Lover_Handy_Andy.txt topic ['13', '324', '378', '393']

CHAPTER I

ANDY ROONEY was a fellow who had the most
singularly ingenious knack of doing everything
the wrong way ; disappointment waited on all affairs in
which he bore a part, and destruction was at his fingers'
ends ; so the nickname the neighbours stuck upon him
was Handy Andy, and the jeering jingle pleased them.

Andy's entrance into this world was quite in character
with his after achievements, for he was nearly the death
of his mother. She survived, however, to have herself
clawed almost to death while her darling ^^ babby " was
in arms, for he would not take his nourishment from the
parent fount unless he had one of his little red fists
twisted into his mother's hair, which he dragged till he
made her roar ; while he diverted the pain by scratching
her, till the blood came, with the other. Nevertheless,
she swore he was " the loveliest and sweetest craythur
the sun ever shined upon ; " and when he was able to
run about and wield a little stick, and smash everything
breakable belonging to her, she only praised his pre-
cocious powers, and she used to ask, " Did ever any one
see a darlin' of his age handle a stick so bowld as he
did?"

Andy grew up in mischief and the admiration of his
mammy ; but, to do him justice, he never meant harm
in the course of his life, and he was most anxious to
offer his services on all occasions to those who would

VOL. L I



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2 Handy Andy

accept them \ but they were only the persons who had
not already proved Andy's peculiar powers.

There was a farmer hard by in this happy state of
ignorance, named Owen Doyle, or, as he was familiarly
called, Owny na Coppaly or, " Owen of the Horses," be-
cause he bred many of these animals, and sold them at
the neighbouring fairs; and Andy one day offered his
services to Owny when he was in want of some one to
drive up a horse to his house from a distant ^^ bottom,"
as low grounds by a river-side are called in Ireland.

" Oh, he *s wild, Andy, and you M never be able to
ketch him," said Owny.

Troth, an' I '11 engage I '11 ketch him if you '11 let
me go. I never seen the horse I could n't ketch, sir,"
said Andy.

** Why, you little spridhogue, if he took to runnin'
over the long bottom, it 'ud be more than a day's work
for you to folly him."

" Oh, but he won't run."

*'Why won't he run?"

" Bekaze I won't make him run."

" How can you help it ? "

" I '11 soother him."

** Well, you 're a willin' brat, anyhow ; and so go on,
and God speed you ! " said Owny.

" Just gi' me a wisp o* hay an' a han'ful iv oats," said
Andy, " if I should have to coax him."

*' Sartinly," said Owny, who entered the stable and
came forth with the articles required by Andy, and a
halter for the horse also.

" Now, take care," said Owny, *' that you are able to
ride that horse if you get on him."

"Oh, never fear, 'sir. I can ride owld Lanty Gub-
bins' mule betther nor any o' the boys on the common,
and he couldn't throw me th' other day, though he
kicked the shoes av him."

** After that you may ride anything," said Owny ;



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Handy Andy 3

and indeed it v^as true ; for Lanty's mule, which fed on
the common, being ridden slily by all the young vaga-
bonds in the neighbourhood, had become such an adept
in the art of getting rid of his troublesome customers
that it might well be considered a feat to stick on him.

" Now take great care of him, Andy, my boy," said
the farmer.

" Don't be afeared, sir,** said Andy, who started on
his errand in that peculiar pace which is elegantly called
a " sweep's trot ; " and as the river lay between Owny
Doyle's and the bottom, and was too deep for Andy to
ford at that season, he went round by Dinny Dowling's
mill, where a small wooden bridge crossed the stream.

Here he thought he might as well secure the assist-
ance of Paudeen, the miller's son, to help him in catch-
ing the horse ; so he looked about the place until he
found him, and telling him the errand on which he was
going, said, ^^ If you like to come wid me, we can both
have a ride." This was temptation sufficient for Pau-
deen, and the boys proceeded together to the bottom, and
they were not long in securing the horse. When they
had got the halter over his head, *' Now," said Andy,
*' give me a lift on him ; " and accordingly, by Paudeen's
catching Andy's left foot in both his hands clasped to-
gether in the fashion of a stirrup, he hoisted his friend
on the horse's back ; and as soon as he was secure there.
Master Paudeen, by the aid of Andy's hand, contrived
to scramble up after him ; upon which Andy applied his
heel to the horse's side with many vigorous kicks, and
crying " hurrup ! " at the same time, endeavoured to
stimulate Owny's ste^ into something of a pace as he
turned his head towards the mill.

" Sure am't you going to crass the river ? " said
Paudeen.

" No, I 'm going to lave you at home."

** Oh, I 'd rather go up to Owny's, and it * the
shortest way acrass the river."



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Handy Andy



" Yes, but I don't Uke."

^^ Is it afeared that you are ? " said Paudeen.

" Not I, indeed ! " said Andy ; though it was really the
fact, for the width of the stream startled him, "but
Owny told me to take grate care o' the baste, and I 'm
loath to wet his feet."

" Go *long wid you, you fool ! what harm would it do
him ? Sure he 's neither sugar nor salt, that he 'd melt."

"Well, 1 won't anyhow," said Andy, who by this
time had got the horse into a good high trot, that shook
every word of argument out of Paudeen's body \ besides,
it was as much as the boys could do to keep their seats
on Owny's Bucephalus, who was not long in reaching
the miller's bridge. Here voice and halter were em-
ployed to pull him in, that he might cross the narrow
wooden structure at a quiet pace. But whether his
double load had given him the idea of double exertion, or
that the pair of legs on each side sticking into his flanks

Sand perhaps the horse was ticklish) made him go the
aster, we know not ; but the horse charged the bridge
as if an Enniskilliner were on his back, and an enemy
before him ; and in two minutes his hoofs clattered like
thunder on the bridge, that did not bend beneath him.
No, it did not bend, but it broke ; proving the falsehood
of the boast, " I may break, but I won't bend ; " for,
after all, the really strong may bend, and be as strong as
ever: it is the unsound that has only the seeming of
strength, which breaks at last when it resists too long.

Surprising was the spin the young equestrians took
over the ears of the horse, enough to make all the artists
of Astley's envious ; and plump they went into the river,
where each formed his own ring, and executed some comi-
cal " scenes in the circle," which were suddenly changed
to evolutions on the *' flying cord " that Dinny Dowling
threw to the performers, which became suddenly converted
into a " tight rope " as he dragged the voltigeurs out of the
water ; and for fear their blood might be chilled by the



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Handy Andy s

accident, he gave them an enormous thrashing with a
dry end of the rope, just to restore circulation \ and his
exertions, had they been witnessed, would have charmed
the Humane Society.

As for the horse, his legs stuck through the bridge, as
though he had been put in a chiroplast^ and he went
playing away on the water with considerable execution,
as if he were accompanying himself in the song which
he was squealing at the top of his voice. Half the saws,
hatchets, ropes, and poles in the parish were put in
requisition immediately, and the horse's first lesson in
chiroplastic exercise was performed with no other loss
than some skin and a good deal of hair. Of course
Andy did not venture on taking Owny's horse home ;
so the miller sent him to his owner, with an account of
the accident. Andy for years kept out of Owny na
Coppal's way ; and at any time that his presence was
troublesome, the inconvenienced party had only to say,
^^ Is n't that Owny na Coppal coming this way ? " and
Andy fled for his life.

When Andy grew up to be what in country par-
lance is called ^^ a brave lump of a boy," his mother
thought he was old enough to do something for himself;
so she took him one day along with her to the squire's,
and waited outside the door, loitering up and down the
yard behind the house, among a crowd of beggars and
great lazy dogs, that were thrusting their heads into eveiy
iron pot that stood outside the kitchen door, until chance
might give her " a sight o' the squire afore he wint out,
or afore he wint in ; " and after spending her entire day
in this idle way, at last the squire made his appearance,
and Judy presented her son, who kept scraping his foot,
and pulling his forelock, that stuck out like a piece of
ragged thatch from his forehead, making his obeisance to
the squire, while his mother was sounding his praises for
being the *' handiest craythur alive and so willin'
nothin' comes wrong to him."



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Handy Andy



^^ I suppose the English of all this is, you want me to
take him ? " said the squire.

" Throth, an' your honour, that *s just it if your
honour would be plazed/'

" What can he do ? '*

** Anything, your honour."

'*That means nothings I suppose," said the squire.

** Oh, no, sir. Everything, I mane, that you would
desire him to do."

To every one of these assurances on his mother's
part Andy made a bow and a scrape.

" Can he take care of horses ? "

" The best of care, sir," said the mother j while the
miller who was standing behind the squire, waiting for
orders, made a grimace at Andy, who was obliged to
cram his face into his hat to hide the laugh, which he
could hardly smother from being heard, as well as
seen.

^^Let him come, then, and help in the stables, and
we'll see what we can do."

" May the Lord "

" That '11 do there, now go."

** Oh, sure, but I '11 pray for you, and "

"WiUyougo?"

^^And may the angels make your honour's bed this
blessed night, I pray."

** If you don't go, your son shan't come."

Judy and her hopeful boy turned to the right about in
double-quick time, and hurried down the avenue.

The next day Andy was duly installed into his office
of stable-helper \ and, as he was a good rider, he was
soon nude whipper-in to the hounds, for there was a
want of such a functionary in the establishment ; and
Andy's boldness in this capacity soon made him a
favourite with the squire, who was one of those rollick-
ing boys on the pattern of the old school, who scorned
the attentions of a regular valet, and let any one that



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Handy Andy



chance threw in his way bring him his boots, or his hot
water for shaving, or his coat, whenever it was brushed.
One morning, Andy, who was veiy often the attendant
on such occasions, came to his room with hot water.
He tapped at the door.

^ Who 's that ? " said the squire, who had just risen,
and did not know but it might be one of the women
servants.

" It 's me, sir."

u Oh Andy ! Come in."

" Here 's the hot water, sir," said Andy, bearing an
enormous tin can.

** Why, what the d ^I brings that enormous tin can
here ? You might as well bring the stable bucket."

'* I beg your pardon, sir," said Andy, retreating. In
two minutes more Ancty came back, and, tapping at the
door, put in his head cautiously, and said, ^^ The maids
in the kitchen, your honour, say 's there 's not so much
hot water ready."

^^ Did I not see it a moment since in your hand ? "

" Yes, sir ; but that *s not nigh the full o* the stable-
bucket."

^ Go along, you stupid thief! and get me some hot
water directly."

** Will the can do, sir?"

" Ay, anything, so you make haste."

Off posted Andy, and back he came with the can.

"Where '11 I put it sir?"

" Throw this out," said the squire, handing Andy a
]ug containing some cold water, meaning the jug to be
replenished with the hot.

Andy took the jug, and the window of the room
being open, he very deliberately threw the jug out.
The squire stared with wonder, and at last said

" What did you do that for ? "

** Sure you tcwld me to throw it out, sir."

^ Go out of this, you thick-headed villain ! " said the



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8 Handy Andy

squire, throwing his boots at Andy's head, along with
some very neat curses. Andy retreated, and thought
himself a veiy ill-used person.

Though Andy's regular business was "whipper-in,"
yet he was liable to be called on for the performance of
various other duties: he sometimes attended at table
when the number of guests required that all the subs
should be put in requisition, or rode on some distant
errand for the " mistress," or drove out the nurse and
children on the jaunting-car; and many were the mis-
takes, delays, or accidents, arising from Handy Andy's
interference in such matters ; but as they were seldom
serious, and generally laughable, they never cost him the
loss of his place, or the squire's favour, who rather
enjoyed Andy's blunders.

The first time Andy was admitted into the mysteries
of the dining-room, great was his wonder. The butler
took him in to give him some previous instructions, and
Andy was so lost in admiration at the sight of the
assembled glass and plate, that he stood with his mouth
and eyes wide open, and scarcely heard a word that was
said to him. After the head man had been dinning his
instructions into him for some time, he said he might
go, until his attendance was required. But Andy moved
not ; he stood with his eyes fixed by a sort of fascination
on some object that seemed to rivet them with the same
unaccountable influence which the rattlesnake exercises
over its victim.

" What are you looking at ? ** said the butlen

"Them things, sir,'* said Andy, pointing to some
silver forks.

** Is it the forks ? " said the butler.

" Oh, no, sir ! I know what forks is very well ; but
I never seen them things afore."

" What things do you mean ? "

" These things, sir," said Andy, taking up one of the
silver forks, and turning it round and round in his hand



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Handy Andy



in utter astonishment, while the butler grinned at his
ignorance, and enjoyed his own superior knowledge.

" Well ! " said Andy, after a long pause, " the devil
be from me if ever I seen a silver spoon split that way
before!"

The butler gave a horse laugh, and made a standing
joke of Andy's split spoon; but time and experience
made Andy less impressed with wonder at the show of
plate and glass, and the split spoons became familiar as
*' household words " to him \ yet still there were things
in the duties of table attendance beyond Andy's compre-
hension he used to hand cold plates for fish, and hot
plates for jelly, &c. But ^^ one day," as Zanga says
^ one day " he was thrown off his centre in a remark-
able degree by a bottle of soda-water.

It was when that combustible was first introduced into
Ireland as a dinner beverage that the occurrence took
place, and Andy had the luck to be the person to whom
a gentleman applied for some soda-water.

" Sir ? " said Andy.

^^ Soda-water," said the guest, in that subdued tone in
which people are apt to name their wants at a dinner-
table.

Andy went to the butler. '' Mr. Morgan, there 's a
gintleman "

" Let me alone, will you ? " said Mr. Morgan.

Andy manoeuvred round him a little longer, and again
essayed to be heard.

" Mr. Morgan ! "

" Don't you see I 'm as busy as I can be ? Can't
you do it yourself ? "

" I dunna what he wants."

** Well, go ax him," said Mr. Morgan.

Andy went off as he was bidden, and came behind
the thirsty gentleman's chair, with, " I beg your pardon,
sir."

" Well ! " said the gentleman.



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lo Handy Andy



^^ I beg your pardon, sir \ but what 's this you axed
me for ? "

*' Soda-water/*

" What, sir ? "

" Soda-water : but, perhaps you have not any."

" Oh, there 's plenty in the house, sir ! Would you
like it hot, sir ? "

The gentleman laughed, and supposing the new fashion
was not understood in the present company said, " Never
mind."

But Andy was too anxious to please to be so satisfied,
and again applied to Mr. Morgan.

** Sir ! " said he.

" Bad luck to you ! can't you let me alone ? "

^^ There 's a gentleman wants some soap and wathcr."

" Some what ? "

" Soap and wather, sir."

'' Divil sweep you ! Soda-wather you mane. You '11
get it under the side-board."

" Is it in the can, sir ? "

" The curse o* Crum'U on you ! in the bottles."

^ Is this it, sir ? " said Andy producing a bottle of
ale.

" No, bad cess to you ! the little bottles."

" Is it the little bottles with no bottoms, sir ? "

" I wish you wor in the bottom o' the say ! " said Mr,
Morgan, who was fuming and puffing, and rubbing down
his face with a napkin, as he was hurrying to all quarters
of the room, or, as Andy said, in praising his activity,
that he was " like bad luck everywhere."

" There they are ! " said Mr. Morgan at last.

^^ Oh, them bottles that won't stand," said Andy ;
^^ sure them 's what I said, with no bottoms to them.
How '11 I open it ? it 's tied down."

'' Cut the cord, you fool ! "

Andy did as he was desired ; and he happened at the
time to hold the bottle of soda-water on a level with the



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Handy Andy n

candles that shed light over the festive board from a
large silver branch, and the moment he made the incision,
bang went the bottle of soda, knocking out two of the
lights with the projected cork, which, performing its
parabola the length of the room, struck the squire him'
self in the eye at the foot of the table : while the hostess
at the head had a cold bath down her back. Andy,
when he saw the soda-water jumping out of the bottle,
held it from him at arm's length \ every fizz it made,
exclaiming, '* Ow ! ow ! ow ! " and, at last, when
the bottle was empty, he roared out, ** Oh, Lord ! it 's
aUgone!"

Great was the commotion ; few could resist laughter
except the ladies, who all looked at their gowns, not
liking the mixture of satin and soda-water. The extin-
guished candles were relighted the squire got his eye
open again and the next time he perceived the butler
sufficiently near to speak to him, he said in a low and
hurried tone of deep anger, while he knit his brow,
^^ Send that fellow out of the room ! " but, within the
same instant, resumed his former smile, that beamed on
all around as if nothing had happened.

Andy was expelled the salle i manger in disgrace, and
for days kept out of the master's and mistress' way : in
the meantime the butler made a good story of the thing
in the servants' hall; and, when he held up Andy's
ignorance to ridicule, by telling how he asked for ^^ soap
and water," Andy was given the name of " Suds," and
was called by no other for months after.

But, though Andy's functions in the interior were
suspended, his services in out-of-door ai&irs were occa-
sionally put in requisition. But here his evil genius
still haunted him, and he put his foot in a piece of busi-
ness his master sent him upon one day, which was so
simple as to defy almost the chance of Andy making
any mistake about it; but Andy was very ingenious in
bis own particular line.



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12 Handy Andy



"Ride into the town and see if there's a letter for
me," said the squire one day to our hero.

" Yes, sir."

" You know where to go ? "

" To the town, sir."

" But do you know where to go in the town ? "

"No, sir."

" And why don't you ask, you stupid thief? "

" Sure I 'd find out, sir."

" Did n't I often tell you to ask what you 're to do,
when you don't know ? "

"Yes, sir."

" And why don't you ? "

" I don't like to be throublesome, sir."

" Confound you ! " said the squire 5 though he could
not help laughing at Andy's excuse for remaining in
ignorance.

" Well," continued he, ** go to the post-office. You
know the post-office, I suppose ? "

" Yes, sir, where they sell gunpowder."

"You're right for once," said the squire; for his
Majesty's postmaster was the person who had the privi-
lege of dealing in the aforesaid combustible. " Go then
to the post-office, and ask for a letter for me. Remem-
ber not gunpowder, but a letter."

" Yis, sir," said Andy, who got astride of his hack,
and trotted away to the post-office. On arriving at the
shop of the postmaster (for that person carried on a
brisk trade in groceries, gimlets, broadcloth, and linen-
drapery,) Andy presented himself at the counter, and
said, " I want a letther, sir, if you plaze."

" Who do you want it for ? " said the postmaster, in
a tone which Andy considered an aggression upon the
sacredness of private life : so Andy thought the coolest
contempt he could throw upon the prying impertinence
of the postmaster was to repeat his question.

" I want a letther, sir, if you plaze."



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Handy Andy 13

^ And who do you want it for ? " repeated the post-
master.

** What *s that to you f " said Andy.

The postmaster, laughmg at his simplicity, told him
he could not tell what letter to give him unless he told
him the direction.

"The directions I got was to get a letther here
that 's the directions."

** Who gave you those directions ? "

"Themasther."

** And who 's your master ? "

** What consarn is that o' yours ? '*

"Why, you stupid rascal! if you don't tell me his
name, how can I give you a letter ? "

"You could give it if you liked: but you're fond
of axin' impident questions, bekase you think I 'm
simple."

" Go along out o' this ! Your master must be as
great a goose as yourself, to send such a messenger."

" Bad luck to your impidence," said Andy ; " is it
Squire Egan you dar to say goose to ? "

" Oh, Squire Egan 's your master, then ? "

" Yes, have you anything to say agin it ? "

" Only that I never saw you before."

" Faith, then you '11 never see me agin if I have my
own consint."

" I won't give you any letter for the squire, unless I
know you 're his servant. Is there any one in the town
knows you f "

" Plenty," said Andy, " it 's not every one is as igno-
rant as you."

Just at this moment a person to whom Andy was
known entered the house, who vouched to the post-
master that he might give Andy the squire's letter.
" Have you one for me ? "

^^ Yes, sir," said the postmaster, producing one
* fourpencc."



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14 Handy Andy



The gentleman paid the fourpcnce postage, and left
the shop with his letter.

" Here 's a letter for the squire," said the postmaster;
" you 've to pay me elevenpence postage."

" What 'ud I pay elevenpence for f "

" For postage."

" To the devil wid you ! Did n't I see you give Mr.
Durfy a letther for fourpence this minit, and a bigger
letther than this ? and now you want me to pay eleven-
pence for this scrap of a thing. Do you think I 'm a
fool?"

** No : but I 'm sure of it," said the postmaster.

" Well you 're welkum to be sure, sure \ but don't
be delayin' me now : here 's fourpence for you, and gi'
me the letther."

^^Go along, you stupid thief!" said the postmaster,
taking up the letter, and going to serve a customer with
a mouse-trap.

While this person, and many others were served,
Andy lounged up and down the shop, every now and
then putting in his head in the middle of the customers,
and saying, ** Will you gi* me the letther ? "

He waited for above half an hour, in defiance of the
anathemas of the postmaster, and at last left, when he
found it impossible to get common justice for his master,
which he thought he deserved as well as another man ;
for, under this impression, Andy determined to give no
more than the fourpence.

The squire in the meantime was getting impatient for
his return, and when Andy made his appearance, asked
if there was a letter for him.

" There is, sir," said Andy

" Then give it to me."

** I have n't it, sir."

** What do you mean ? "

" He would n't give it to me, sir.**

** Who would n't give it you ? **



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Handy Andy 15

That owld chate beyant in the town wanting to
charge me double for it."

" Maybe it 's a double letter. Why the devil did n't
you pay what he asked, sir ? "

" Arrah, sir, why would I let you be chated ? It 's
not a double letther at all : not above half the size o' one
Mr. Durfy got before my face for fourpence."

* You 'U provoke me to break your neck some day, you
vagabond ! Ride back for your life, you omadhaun ;
and pay whatever he asks, and get me the letter."

" Why, sir, I tell you he was sellin' them before my
face for fourpence a-piece."

** Go back, you scoundrel ! or I '11 horsewhip you j
and if you 're longer than an hour, I 'U have you ducked
in the horse-pond ! "

Andy vanished, and made a second visit to the post-
office. When he arrived, two other persons were get-
ting letters, and the postmaster was selecting the epistles
for each, from a laige parcel that lay before him on the
counter ; at the same time many shop customers were
waiting to be served.

" I 'm come for that letther," said Andy.

** I '11 attend to you by-and-by."

** The masther 's in a hurry."

" Let him wait till his hurry *s over.'*

** He '11 murther me if I 'm not back soon.'*

" I 'm glad to hear it."

While the postmaster went on with such provoking
answers to these appeals for dispatch, Andy's eye caught
the heap of letters which lay on the counter : so while
certain weighing of soap and tobacco was going forward,
he contrived to become possessed of two letters from
the heap, and, having effected that, waited patiently
enough till it was the great man's pleasure to give him
the missive directed to his master.

Then did Andy bestride his hack, and in triumph
at his trick on the postmaster, rattled along the road



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i6 Handy Andy

homeward as fast as the beast could cany him. He
came into the squire's presence, his face beaming with
delight, and an air of self-satisfied superiority in his
manner, quite unaccountable to his master, until he
pulled forth his hand, which had been grubbing up his
prizes from the bottom of his pocket ; and holding three
letters over his head, while he said, *' Look at that ! " he
next slapped them down under his broad fist on the
table before the squire, saying

" Well ! if he did make me pay elevenpence, by
gor, I brought your honour the worth o' your money
anyhow ! "



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CHAPTER II

ANDY walked out of the room with an air of supreme
triumph, having laid the letters on the table, and
left the squire staring after him in perfect amazement.

** Well, by the powers ! that *s the most extraordinary
genius I ever came across," was the soliloquy the master
uttered as the servant closed the door after him ; and the
squire broke the seal of the letter that Andy's blundering
bad so long delayed. It was from his law-agent on the
subject of an expected election in the county, which
would occur in case of the demise of the then sitting
member; it ran thus:

DuiUNy Thursday.

^^ My dear Squire, I am making all possible ex-
ertions to have every and the earliest information on the
subject of the election. I say the election, because,
though the seat of the county is not yet vacant, it is im-
possible but that it must soon be so. Any other man
than the present member must have died long ago ; but
Sir Timothy Trimmer has been so undecided all his life
that he cannot at present make up his mind to die ; and
it is only by Death himself giving the casting vote that
the question can be decided. The writ for the vacant
county is expected to arrive by everj' mail, and in the
meantime I am on the alert for information. You know
we are sure of the barony of Ballysloughgutthery, and
the boys of Killanmaul will murder any one that dares
to give a vote against you. We are sure of Knock-
doughty also, and the very pigs in Glanamuck would
return you ; but I must put you on your guard on one

VOL. I. 2



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i8 Handy Andy

point where you least expected to be betrayed. You
told me you were sure of Neck-or-nothing Hall ; but I
can tell you you're out there; for the master of the
aforesaid is working heaven, earth, ocean, and all the
little fishes, in the other interest ; for he is so over head
and ears in debt, that he is looking out for a pension,
and hopes to get one by giving his interest to the Hon-
ourable Sackville Scatterbrain, who sits for the Borough
of Old Goosebery at present, but whose friends think
his talents are worthy of a county. If Sack wins, Neck-
or-nothing gets a pension that 's po%. I had it from
the best authority. I lodge at a milliner's here : no
matter; more when I see you. But don't be afraid;
we'll bag Sack, and distance Neck-or-nothing. But,
seriously speaking, it 's too good a joke that O'Grady
should use you in this manner, who have been so kind
to him in money matters : but, as the old song says,
* Poverty parts good company;' and he is so cursed
poor that he can't aflFord to know you any longer, now
that you have lent him all the money you had, and the
pension in prospectu is too much for his feelings. I '11
be down with you again as soon as I can, for I hate the
diabolical town as I do poison. They have altered
Stephen's Green ruined it I should say. They have
taken away the big ditch that was round it, where I
used to hunt water-rats when a boy. They are destroy-
ing the place with their d d improvements. All the
dogs are well, I hope, and my favourite bitch. Remem-
ber me to Mrs. Egan, whom all admire.

" My dear squire, yours per quire,

" MuRTouGH Murphy.
** To Edward Egan^ Esq.^ Merryvale"

Murtough Murphy was a great character, as may be
guessed from his letter. He was a country attorney of
good practice ; good, because he could not help it for
he was a clever, ready-witted fellow, up to all sorts of



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Handy Andy 19

trap, and one in whose hands a cause was very safe ;
therefore he had plenty of clients without his seeking
them. For if Murtough's practice had depended on his
looking for it, he might have made broth of his own
parchment; for though to all intents and purposes a
good attorney, he was so full of fun and fond of amuse-
ment, that it was only by dint of the business being
thrust upon him he was so extensive a practitioner. He
loved a good bottle, a good hunt, a' good joke, and a
good song, as well as any fellow in Ireland : and even
when he was obliged in the way of business to press a
gentleman hard to hunt his man to the death he
did it so good-humouredly that his very victim could not
be angry with him. As for those he served, he was
their prime favourite j there was nothing they could want
to be done in the parchment line, that Murtough would
not find out some way of doing \ and he was so pleasant
a fellow, that he shared in the hospitality of all the best
tables in the county. He kept good horses, was on
eveiy race-ground within twenty miles, and a steeple-
chase was no steeple-chase without him. Then he
betted freely, and, what 's more, won his bets very gen-
erally ; but no one found fault with him for that, and he
took your money with such a good grace, and mostly
gave you a hon mot in exchange for it so that, next to
winning the money yourself, you were glad it was won
by Murtough Murphy.

The squire read his letter two or three times, and
made his comments as he proceeded. *** Working
heaven and earth to ' ha ! so that 's the work
O'Grady's at that's old friendship, foul ! foul!
and after all the money I lent him, too ; he *d better
take care 1*11 be down on him if he plays false;
not that I'd like that much either: but lets's see
who 's this coming down to oppose me ? Sack Scatter-
brain the biggest fool from this to himself; the
fellow can't ride a bit, a pretty member for a sporting



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20 Handy Andy

county! *I lodge at a milliner's* divil doubt you,
Murtough ; I Ml engage you do. Bad luck to him !
he 'd rather be fooling away his time in a back parlour,
behind a bonnet shop, than minding the interests of the
county. * Pension * ha ! wants it sure enough ;
take care, O'Grady, or, by the powers, I '11 be at you.
You may baulk all the bailiffs, and defy any other man
to serve you with a writ ; but, by jingo ! if I take the
matter in hand, I '11 be bound I '11 get it done. * Stephen's
Green big ditch where I used to hunt water-rats.'
Divil sweep you. Murphy, you'd rather be hunting
water-rats any day than minding your business. He 's a
clever fellow for all that. * Favourite bitch Mrs.
gan.' Aye ! there 's the end of it with his bit o'
po'thry, too ! The divil ! "

The squire threw down the letter, and then his eye
caught the other two that Andy had purloined.

" More of that stupid blackguard's work ! robbing
the mail no less! that fellow will be hanged some
time or other. Egad, may be they 'U hang him for this !
What 's best to be done ? May be it will be the safest
way to see whom they are for, and send them to the
parties, and request they will say nothing : that 's it."

The squire here took up the letters that lay before
him, to read their superscriptions; and the first he
turned over was directed to Gustavus Granby O'Grady,
Esq., Neck-or-nothing Hall, Knockbotherum. This
was what is called a curious coincidence. Just as he
had been reading all about O'Grady's intended treachery
to him, here was a letter to that individual, and with the
Dublin post-mark too, and a very grand seal.

The squire examined the arms; and, though not
versed in the mysteries of heraldry, he thought he re-
membered enough of most of the arms he had seen to
say that this armorial bearing was a strange one to him.
He turned the letter over and over again, and looked at
it back and front, with an expression in his face that



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Handy Andy 21

said, as plain as countenance could speak, ^^ I 'd give a
trifle to know what is inside of this." He looked at the
seal again: "Here's a goose, I think it is, sitting on
a bowl with cross-bars on it, and a spoon in its mouth :
like the fellow that owns it, may be. A goose with a
silver spoon in its mouth well, here's the gable-end
of a house, and a bird sitting on the top of it. Could it
be Sparrow? There is a fellow called Sparrow, an
under-secretary at the Castle. D n it ! I wish I knew
what it 's about."

The squire threw down the letter as he said, " D n
it ! " but took it up again in a few seconds, and catching
it edgewise between his forefinger and thumb, gave a
gentle pressure that made the letter gape at its extrem-
ities, and then, exercising that sidelong glance which is
peculiar to postmasters, waiting-maids, and magpies who
inspect marrowbones, peeped into the interior of the
epistle, saying to himself as he did so, "All's fair in
war, and why not in electioneering ? " His face, which
was screwed up to the scrutinising pucker, gradually
lengthened as he caught some words that were on the
last turn-over of the sheet, and so could be read thor-
oughly, and his brow darkened into the deepest frown as
he scanned these lines : '* As you very properly and pun-
gently remark, poor Egan is a spoon a mere spoon."
" Am I a spoon, you rascal ? " said the squire, tearing
the letter into pieces, and throwing it into the fire.
" And so, Misther O'Grady, you say I 'm a spoon ! "
and the blood of the Egans rose as the head of that pug-
nacious family strode up and down the room: "I'll
spoon you, my buck ! I '11 settle your hash ! may be
I 'm a spoon you '11 sup sorrow with yet ! "

Here he took up the poker, and made a very angry
lunge at the fire that did not want stirring, and there he
beheld the letter blazing merrily away. He dropped the
poker as if he had caught it by the hot end, as he ex-
claimed, " What the d ^1 shall I do ? I 've burnt the



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22 Handy Andy

letter ! " This threw the squire into a fit of what he
was wont to call his ^^ considering cap ; " and he sat
with his feet on the fender for some minutes, occasion*
ally muttering to himself what he began with, "What
the d ^1 shall I do ? It 's all owing to that infernal
Andy I '11 murder that fellow some time or other. If
he hadn't brought it I shouldn't have seen it, to be
sure, if I had n't looked \ but then the temptation a
saint could n't have withstood it. Confound it ! what a
stupid trick to bum it ! Another here, too must burn
that as well, and say nothing about either of them : " and
he took up the second letter, and, merely looking at the
address, threw it into the fire. He then rang the bell,
and desired Andy to be sent to him. As soon as that
ingenious individual made his appearance, the squire de-
sired him, with peculiar emphasis, to shut the door, and
then opened upon him with

" You unfortunate rascal ! "

" Yis, your honour."

" Do you know that you might be hanged for what
you did to-day ? "

"What did I do, sir?"

" You robbed the post-office."

How did I rob it, sir ? "

*' You took two letters that you had no right to."

" It 's no robbery for a man to get the worth of his
money."

" Will you hold your tongue, you stupid villain !
I 'm not joking : you absolutely might be hanged for
robbing the post-office."

" Sure I did n't know there was any harm in what I
done \ and for that matther sure, if they *re sitch won-
derful value, can't I go back again wid 'em ? "

"No, you thief! I hope you 've not said a word to
any one about it."

^^ Not the sign of a word passed my lips about it."

" You *rc sure ? "



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Handy Andy 23

Sartin ! ''

** Take care, then, that you never open your mouth
to mortal about it, or you '11 be hanged, as sure as your
name is Andy Rooney."

" Oh ! at that rate I never will. But may be your
honour thinks I ought to be hanged ? "

"No, because you did not intend to do a wrong
thing ; but, only I have pity on you, I could hang you
to-morrow for what you have done."

** Thank you, sir."

** I 've burnt the letters, so no one can know any-
thing about the business unless you tell on yourself: so
remember, not a word."

" Faith, I '11 be dumb as the dumb baste."

" Go now ; and once for all, remember you '11 be
hanged so sure as you ever mention one word about
this affair."

Andy made a bow and a scrape, and left the squire,
who hoped the secret was safe. He then took a rumi^
nating walk round the pleasure-grounds, revolving plans
of retaliation upon his false friend O'Grady ; and having
determined to put the most severe and sudden measure
of the law in force against him, for the money in which
he was indebted to him, he only awaited the arrival of
Murtough Murphy from Dublin to execute his vengeance.
Having settled this in his own mind, he became more
contented, and said, with a self-satisiied nod of the head,
" We '11 see who 's the spoon."

In a few days Murtough Murphy returned from
Dublin, and to Merryvale he immediately proceeded.
The squire opened to him directly his intention of com-
mencing hostile law proceedings against O'Grady, and
asked what most summary measures could be put in
practice against him.

" Oh ! various, various, my dear squire," said Mur-
phy ; ** but I don't see any great use in doing so yet
he has not openly avowed himself."



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24 Handy Andy

^^ But does he not intend to coalesce with the ordet
party ? "

" I believe so that is, if he 's to get the pension/'

^^ Well, and that 's as good as done, you know ; for
if they want him, the pension is easily managed."

" I am not so sure of that."

** Why, they 're as plenty as blackberries."

" Very true ; but, you see, Lord Gobblestown swal-
lows all the pensions for his own family \ and there are
a great 'many complaints in the market against him for
plucking that blackberry-bush very bare indeed ; and
unless Sack Scatterbrain has swingeing interest, the pen-
sion may not be such an easy thing."

^^ But still O'Grady has shown himself not my
friend."

" My dear squire, don't be so hot ; he has not shown
himself yet."

** Well, but he means it."

*' My dear squire, you ought n't to jump at a conclu-
sion as you would at a twelve-foot drain or a five-bar
gate."

" Well, he 's a blackguard ! "

" No denying it j and therefore keep him on your
side if you can, or he '11 be a troublesome customer on
the other."

" I '11 keep no terms with him ; I '11 slap at him
directly. What can you do that 's wickedest ? latitat,
capias fee-faw-fum, or whatever you call it ? "

"Halloo! squire, your overrunning your game : may
be after all, he wotCt join the Scatterb rains, and "

** I tell you it 's no matter ; he intended doing it, and
that 's all the same. I '11 slap at him I '11 blister
him!"

Murtough Murphy wondered at this blind fury of the
squire, who, being a good-humoured and good-natured
fellow in general, puzzled the attorney the more by his
present manifest maligni^ against O'Grady. But hi



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Handy Andy 25

bad not seen the turn-over of the letter: he had not
seen " spoon," the real and secret cause of the ^ war-
to-the-knife " spirit which was kindled in the squire's
breast.

^ Of course, you can do what you please ; but, if
you 'd take a friend's advice "

I tell you I '11 blister him."

" He certainly hied you very freely."

*^ I '11 blister him, I tell you, and that smart. Lose
no time. Murphy, my boy : let loose the dogs of law on
him, and harass him till he 'd wish the d 1 had him."

** Just as you like, but " '

" I '11 have it my own way, I tell you ; so say no
more."

^ I 'U commence against him at once, then, as you
wish it \ but it 's no use, for you know very well that it
will be impossible to serve him."

^ Let me alone for that ! I 'U be bound I '11 find
fellows to get the inside of him."

^ Why, his house is barricaded like a jail, and he has
dogs enough to bait all the bulls in the country."

^ No matter : just send me the blister for him, and I '11
engage I '11 stick it on him."

** Very well, squire ; you shall have the blister as soon
as it can be got ready. I '11 tell you when you may
send over to me for it, and your messenger shall have it
hot and warm for him. Good bye, squire."

** Good bye. Murphy ! lose no time."

** In the twinkling of a bedpost. Are you going to
Tom Durfy's steeple-chase ? "

** I 'm not sure."

" I 've a bet on it. Did you see the widow Flannagan
lately ? You did n't ? They say Tom 's pushing it
strong there. The widow has money, you know, and
Tom does it all for the love o' God ; for you know,
squire, there are two things God hates a coward and
a poor man. Now, Tom 's no coward ; and, that he



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26 Handy Andy

may be sure of the love o' God on the othei score, he's
making up to the widow \ and as he 's a slashing fellow,
she 's nothing loth, and, for fear of any one cutting him
out, Tom keeps as sharp a lookout after her as she does
after him. He 's fierce on it, and looks pistols at any
one that attempts putting his comether on the widow, while
she looks ^ as soon as you plaze,' as plain as an optical
lecture can enlighten the heart of man : in short,
Tom 's all ram's horns, and the widow all sheep's eyes.
Good bye, squire." And Murtough put his spurs to his
horse, and cantered down the avenue, whistling the last
popular tune.

Andy was sent over to Murtough Murphy's for the
law process at the appointed time; and as he had to
pass through the village, Mrs. Egan desired him to call
at the apothecary's for some medicine that was pre-
scribed for one of the children.

What '11 I ax for, ma'am ? "

*' I 'd be sorry to trust to you, Andy, for remember-
ing. Here *s the prescription ; take care of it, and Mr.
M'Garry will give you something to bring back ; and
mind, if it 's a powder **

** Is it gunpowdher, ma'am ? "

a No you stupid will you listen ? I say, if it 's
a powder, don't let it get wet as you did the sugar the
other day."

" No, ma'am."

^^ And if it 's a bottle, don't break it, as you did the
last."

"No, ma'am."

** And make haste."

" Yis, ma'am ; " and off went Andy.

In going through the village, he forgot to leave the
prescription at the apothecary's and pushed on for the
attorney's : there he saw Murtough Murphy, who handed
him the law process, inclosed in a cover, with a note to
the squire.



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Handy Andy 27

**Have you been doing anything very clever lately,
Andy ? " said Murtough.

*' I don't know, sir," said Andy.

^ Did you shoot any one with soda-water since I saw
you last ? "

Andy grinned.

" Did you kill any more dogs lately, Andy ? **

** Faix, you 're too hard on me, sir ; sure I never killed
but one dog, and that was an accident "

**An accident! curse your impudence, you thief!
Do you think, if you killed one of the pack on purpose,
we would n't cut the very heart o' you with our hunting
whips ? "

" Faith, I would n't doubt you, sir j but, sure, how
could I help that divil of a mare runnin' away wid me,
and thramplin' the dogs ? "

" Why did n't you hold her, you thief? "

" Hould her, indeed ! you just might as well expect
to stop fire among flax as that one."

" Well, be off with you now, Andy, and take care of
what I gave you for the squire."

" Oh, never fear, sir," said Andy, as he turned his
horse's head homewards. He stopped at the apothe-
cary's in the village, to execute his commission for the
" misthis." On telling the son of Galen that he wanted
some physic ^^ for one o' the childre up at the big
house," the dispenser of the healing art asked what
physic he wanted.

" Faith, I dunna what physic."

" What's the matter with the child ? "

** He's sick, sir."

" I suppose so, indeed, or you would n't be sent for
medicine, you're always making some blunder. You
come here, and don't know what description of medicine
is wanted."

** Don't I ? " said Andy, with a great air.

^ No, you don't, you omadhaun I " said the apothecary



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28 Handy Andy

Andy fumbled in his pockets, and could not lay hold
of the paper his mistress entrusted him with, until he
had emptied them thoroughly of their contents upon the
counter of the shop ; and then, taking the prescription
from the collection, he said, "So you tell me I don't
know the description of the physic I 'm to get. Now,
you see, you 're out ; for that *s the description ! " and
he slapped the counter impressively with his hand as he
threw down the recipe before the apothecary.

While the medicine was in the course of preparation
for Andy, he commenced restoring to his pockets the
various parcels he had taken from them in hunting for
the recipe. Now, it happened that he had laid them
down close beside some articles that were compounded,
and sealed up for going out, on the apothecary's counter :
and as the law process which Andy had received from
Murtough Murphy chanced to resemble in form another
inclosure that lay beside it, containing a blister, Andy,
under the influence of his peculiar genius, popped the
blister into his pocket instead of the package which had
been confided to him by the attorney, and having ob-
tained the necessary medicine from M'Garry, rode home
with great self-complacency that he had not forgot to
do a single thing that had been entrusted to him.
" I 'm all right this time," said Andy to himself.

Scarely had he left the apothecary's when another
messenger alighted at its door, and asked " If Squire
O'Grady's things was ready ? "

"There they are," said the innocent M'Garry, point-
ing to the bottles, boxes, and blister^ he had made up and
set aside, little dreaming that the blister had been ex-
changed for a law process : and Squire O'Grady's own
messenger popped into his pocket the legal instrument
that it was as much as any seven men's lives were worth
to bring within gunshot of Neck-or-nothing Hall.

Home he went, and the sound of the old gate creak-
ing on its hinges at the entrance of the avenue awoke



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Handy Andy 29

the deep-mouthed dogs around the house, who rushed
infuriate to the spot to devour the unholv intruder on
the peace and privacy of the patrician O'Grady ; but
they recognised the old grey hack and his rider, and
quietly wagged their tails and trotted back, and licked
their lips at the thoughts of the bailiff thev had hoped to
eat. The door of Neck-or-nothing Hall was carefully
unbarred and unchained, and the nurse-tender was
handed the parcel from the apothecary's, and re-as-
cended to the sick room with slippered foot as quietly as
she could ; for the renowned O'Grady was, according
to her account, ** as cross as two sticks ; " and she pro-
tested, furthermore, *'that her heart was grey with
him."

Whenever O'Grady was in a bad humour, he had a
strange &shion of catching at some word that either he
himself, or those with whom he spoke, had uttered, and
after often repeating it, or rather mumbling it over in
his mouth, as if he were chewing it, off he started into
a canter of ridiculous rhymes to the aforesaid word, and
sometimes one of these rhymes would suggest a new
idea, or some strange association which had the oddest
effect possible ; and to increase the absurdity, the jingle
was gone through with as much solemnity as if he were
indulging in a deep and interesting reverie, so that it was
difficult to listen without laughing, which might prove a
serious matter when O'Grady was in one of the tati"
tarumsy as his wife used to call them.

Mrs. O'Grady was near the bed of the sick man as
the nurse-tender entered.

" Here 's the things for your honour, now," said she,
in her most soothing tone.

" I wish the d 1 had you and them ! '* said
O'Grady.

" Gusty, dear ! '* said his wife. (She might have said
stormy instead of gusty.)

" Oh ! they '11 do you good, your honour," said the



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30 Handy Andy

nurse-tender, curtsying, and uncorking bottles, and open-
ing a pill-box.

O'Grady made a face at the pill-box, and repeated the
word " pills " several times, with an expression of ex-
treme disgust. " Pills pills kills wills ay
make your wills make them take them shake
them. When taken to be well shaken shew me
that bottle."

The nurse-tender handed a phial, which O'Grady
shook violently.

" Curse them all ! " said the squire. " A pretty thing
to have a gentleman's body made a perfect sink, for
these blackguard doctors and apothecaries to pour their
dirty drugs into faugh! drugs mugs jugs!" he
shook the phial again, and looked through it.

^^ Is n't it nice and pink, darlin' ? " said the nurse-
tender.

" Pink ! " said O'Grady eying her askance, as if he
could have eaten her. '' Pink, you old besom, pink *
he uncorked the phial, and put it to his nose,
w Pink phew ! " and he repeated a rhyme to pink
which would not look well in print.

^^ Now, sir, dear, there 's a little blisther just to go on
your chest if you plaze."

" A what ? "

''A warm plasther, dear."

'* A blister you said, you old divil ! **

" Well, sure its something to relieve you."

The squire gave a deep growl, and his wife put in the
usual appeal of " Gusty, dear ! "

" Hold you tongue, will you ? How would you like
it ? I wish you had it on your "

" Deed-an-deed, dear,'* said the nurse-tender.

" By the 'ternal war ! if you say another word, I '11
throw the jug at you ! "

And there 's a nice dhrop o' gruel I have on the fire
for you," said the nurse, pretending not to mind the rit-



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Handy Andy 31

ing anger of the squire, as she stirred the gruel with one
hand, while with the other she marked herself with the
sign of the cross, and said in a mumblii^ manner,
^ God presarve us ! he 's the most cantankerous Chris-
tian I ever kem across ! '*

^^ Shew me that infernal thing ! '' said the squire.

" What thing, dear ? "

** You know well enough, you old hag ! that black-
guard blister ! "

** Here it is, dear. Now just open the hurst o* your
shirt, and let me put it an you."

" Give it into my hand here, and let me see it."

" Sartinly, sir ; but I think, if you *d let me just "

" Give it to me, I tell you ! " said the squire, in a
tone so fierce that the nurse paused in her unfolding of
the packet, and handed it with fear and trembling to the
already indignant O'Grady. But it is only imagination
can figure the outrageous fury of the squire when, on
opening the envelope with his own hand, he beheld the
law process before him. There, in the heart of his
castle, with his bars, and bolts, and bull-dogs, and blun-
derbusses around him, he was served absolutely served
and he had no^doubt the nurse-tender was bribed to
betray him.

A roar and a jump up in bed, first startled his wife
into terror, and put the nurse on the defensive.

" You infernal old strap ! " shouted he, as he clutched
up a handful of bottles on the table near him and flung
them at the nurse, who was near the fire at the time :
and she whipped the pot of gruel from the grate, and
converted it into a means of defence against the phial-
pelting storm.

Mrs. O'Grady rolled herself up in the bed-curtains
while the nurse screeched " Murther ! " and at last,
when O'Grady saw that bottles were of no avail, he
scrambled out of bed, shouting, " Where 's my blunder-
buss ? " and the nurse-tender, while he endeavoured to



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32 Handy Andy

get it down from the rack where it was suspended over
the mantel-piece, bolted out of the door and ran to the
most remote comer of the house for shelter.

In the meantime, how fared it at Merryvale. Andy
returned with his parcel for the squire, and his note from
Murtough Murphy, which ran thus :

" My Dear Squire, I send you the blister for
O'Grady as you insist on it \ but I think you won't
find it easy to serve him with it. Your obedient and
obliged,

Murtough Murphy.
" To Edward Egan^ Esq.y Merryvale.**

The squire opened the cover, and when he saw a real
instead of a figurative blister, grew crimson with rage.
He could not speak for some minutes, his indignation
was so excessive. "So," said he at last, " Mr. Mur-
tough Murphy, you think to cut your jokes with me, do
you ? By all that 's sacred, I '11 cut such a joke on you
with the biggest horsewhip I can find, that you '11 re-
member it. ' Dear Squire^ I send you the blister.* Bad
luck to your impidence ! Wait till awhile ago that 's
all. By this and that, you '11 get such a blistering from
me, that all the spermaceti in M*Garry's shop won't
cure you."



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CHAPTER III

QQUIRE EGAN was as good as his word. He
3 picked out the most suitable horsewhip for chastising
the fancied impertinence of Murtough Murphy ; and as
he switched it up and down with a powerful arm, to try
its weight and pliancy, the whistling of the instrument
through the air was music to his ears, and whispered of
promised joy in the flagellation of the jocular attorney.

" We '11 see who can make the sorest blister," said
the squire.

^^ I '11 back whalebone against Spanish flies any day.
Will you bet, Dick ? " said he to his brother-in-law,
who was a wild, helter-skelter sort of fellow, better
known over the country as Dick the Divil than Dick
Dawson

" I'll back your be^ Ned."

" There 's no fun in that, Dick, as there is nobody to
take it up."

" May be Murtough will. Ask him before you thrash
him : you 'd better."

"As for A/Vw," said the squire, " I '11 be bound he '11
back my bet after he gets a taste o' this ; " and the horse-
whip whistled as he spoke.

^^ I think he had better take care of his back than his
bet," said Dick as he followed the squire to the hall-
door, where his horse was in waiting for him, under the
care of the renowned Andy, who little dreamed of the
extensive harvest of mischief which was ripening in
futurity, all from his sowing.
VOL. I. 3



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34 Handy Andy

^^ Don't kill him quite, Ned/' said Dick, as the squire
mounted to his saddle.

" Why, if I went to horsewhip a gentleman, of course
I should only shake my whip at him ; but an attorney is
another aflfair. And, as I 'm sure he '11 have an action
against me for assault, I think I may as well get the
worth of my money out of him, to say nothing of teach-
ing him better manners for the future than to play ofF
his jokes on his employers." With these words off he
rode in search of the devoted Murtough, who was not at
home when the squire reached his house ; but as he was
returning through the village, he espied him coming down
the street in company with Tom Durfy and the widow,
who were laughing heartily at some joke Murtough was
telling them, which seemed to amuse him as much as his
hearers.

^^ I '11 make him laugh at the wrong side of his mouth,"
thought the squire, alighting and giving his horse to the
care of one of the little ragged boys who were idling in
the street. He approached Murphy with a very threaten-
ing aspect, and confronting him and his party so as to
produce a halt, he said, as distinctly as his rage would
permit him to speak, " You little insignificant blackguard,
I '11 teach you how you '11 cut your jokes on me again ;
/'// blister you, my buck ! " and laying hands on the
astonished Murtough with the last word, he began a
very smart horsewhipping of the attorney. The widow
screamed, Tom Durfy swore, and Murtough roared,
with some interjectional curses. At last he escaped from
the squire's grip, leaving the lappel of his coat in his
possession; and Tom Durfy interposed his person be-
tween them when he saw an intention on the part of the
flagellator to repeat his dose of horsewhip.

" Let me at him, sir, or by "

^^ Fie, fie, squire ! to horsewhip a gentleman like a
cart-horse."

"A gentleman! an attorney you mean,"



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Handy Andy 35

^ I say a gentleman, Squire Egan," cried Murtough
fiercely, roused to gallantry by the presence of a lady,
and smarting under a sense of injury and whalebone.
^ I 'm a gentleman, sir, and demand the satisfaction of a
gentleman. I put my honour into your hands, Mr.
Durfy."

^ Between his finger and thumb, you mean, for there 's
not a handful of it," said the squire.

" Well, sir," replied Tom Durfy, " little or much,
I '11 take charge of it. That 's right, my cock,*' said he
to Murtough, who notwithstanding his desire to assume
a warlike air, could not resist the natural impulse of
rubbing his back and shoulders which tingled with pain,
while he exclaimed, ^ Satisfaction ! satis&ction ! "

" Very well," said the squire, " you name yourself as
Mr. Murphy's friend ? " added he to Durfy.

** The same, sir," said Tom. " Whom do you name
as yours ? "

" I suppose you know one Dick the Divil ?"

** A very proper person, sir ; no better : I '11 go to
him directly."

The widow clung to Tom's arm, and looking tenderly
at him, cried, **Oh, Tom, Tom, take care of your
precious life ! "

"Bother!" said Tom.

" Ah, Squire Egan, don't be so bloodthirsty ! "

^ Fudge, woman ! " said the squire.

" Ah, Mr. Murphy, I 'm sure the squire 's veiy sorry
for beating you."

" Divil a bit," said the squire.

" There, ma'am," said Murphy, " you see he '11 make
no apology."

" Apol(^ ! " said Durfy, *' apology for a horsewhip-
ping, indeed ! Nothing but handing a horsewhip (which
I would n't ask any gentleman to do), or a shot, can
settle the matter."

** Oh^ Tom ! Tom! Tom ! " said the widow.



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36 Handy Andy

^ Ba ! ba ! ba ! '' shouted Tom, making a crying &ce
at her. ^^ Arrah, woman, don't be making a fool of
yourself. Go in to the Apothecary's, and get something
under your nose to revive you : and let us mind our own
business."

The widow with her eyes turned up, and an exclama-
tion to Heaven, was retiring to M' Garry's shop, wring-
ing her hands, when she was nearly knocked down by
M'Garry himself, who rushed from his own door, at the
same moment that an awfiil smash of his shop-window
and the demolition of his blue and red bottles alarmed
the cars of the bystanders, while their eyes were drawn
from the late belligerent parties to a chase which took
place down the street of the apothecary, roaring ^^ Mur-
der ! " followed by Squire O'Grady with an enormous
cudgel.

O'Grady, believing that M'Garry and the nurse-
tender had combined to serve him with a writ, determined
to wreak double vengeance on the apothecary, as the
nurse had escaped him; and, notwithstanding all his
illness and the appeals of his wife, he left his bed and
rode to the village, to " break every bone in M'Garry's
skin." When he entered the shop, the pharmacopolist
was much surprised, and said, with a congratulatory grin
at the great man, "Dear me. Squire O'Grady, I'm
delighted to see you."

" Are you, you scoundrel ! " said the squire, making
a blow of his cudgel at him, which was fended oiF by an
iron pestle the apothecary fortunately had in his hand.
The enraged O'Grady made a rush behind the counter,
which the apothecary nimbly jumped over, crying,
" Murder ( " as he made for the door, followed by his
pursuer, who gave a back-handed slap at the window-
bottles en passant^ and produced the crash which aston-
ished the widow, who now joined her screams to the
general hue and cry ; for an indiscriminate chase of all
the ragamuffins in the town, with barking curs and



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Handy Andy 37

screeching children, followed the flight of M'Gany and
the pursuing squire.

" What the divil is all this about ? " said Tom Durfy,
laughing. ** By the powers ! I suppose there 's some-
thing in the weather to produce all this fun though
it 's early in the year to begin thrashing, for the harvest
is n't in yet. But, however, let us manage our little
affair, now that we 're left in peace and quietness, for
the blackguards are all over the bridge after the hunt.
I'll go to Dick the Divil immediately, squire, and
arrange time and place."

" There 's nothing like saving time and trouble on
these occasions," said the squire. ^^ Dick is at my
house, I can arrange time and place with you this minute,
and he will be on the ground with me."

" Very well," said Tom ; " where is it to be ? "

"Suppose we say the cross-roads, halfway between
this and Merry vale ? There 's very pretty ground there,
and we shall be able to get our pistols and all that ready
in the meantime between this and four o'clock and it
will be pleasanter to have it all over before dinner."

" Certainly, squire," said Tom Durfy ; " we '11 be
there at four. Till then, good morning, squire ; " and
he and his man walked off.

The widow, in the meantime, had been left to the
care oi the apothecary's boy, whose tender mercies were
now, for the first time in his life, demanded towards a
fainting lady ; for the poor raw country lad, having to
do with a sturdy peasantry in every-day matters, had
never before seen the capers cut by a lady who thinks it
proper, and delicate, and becoming, to display her sensi-
bility in a swoon ; and truly her sobs, and small screeches,
and little stampings and kickings, amazed young gallipot.
Smelling salts were applied ; they were rather weak,
so the widow inhaled the pleasing odour with a sigh, but
did not recover. Sal volatile was next put into requisi-
tion ; this was something stronger, and made her



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38 Handy Andy

wriggle on her chair, and throw her head about with
sundry " Ohs ! " and " Ahs ! " The boy, beginning to
be alarmed at the extent of the widow's syncope^ be-
thought himself of assafoetida ; and, taking down a
goodly bottle of that sweet-smelling stimulant, gave the
widow the benefit of the whole jar under her nose.
Scarcely had the stopper been withdrawn, when she gave
a louder screech than she had yet executed, and exclaim-
ing " Faugh ! " with an expression of the most concen-
trated disgust, opened her eyes fiercely upon the offender,
and shut up her nose between her forefinger and thumb
against the offence, and snuffled forth at the astonished
boy, ^ Get out o' that, you dirty cur ! Can't you let a
lady &int in peace and quietness \ Gracious Heavens !
would you smother me, you nasty brute ? Oh, Tom,
where are you ? " and she took to sobbing forth '* Tom !
Tom ! " and put her handkerchief to her eyes, to hide
the tears that were not there, while from behind the cor-
ner of the cambric she kept a sharp eye on the street,
and observed what was going on. She went on acting
her part very becomingly, until the moment Tom Durfy
walked off with Murphy ; but then she could feign no
longer, and jumping up from her seat, with an exclama-
tion of *' The brute ! " she ran to the door, and looked
down the street after them. " The savage ! " sobbed
the widow ; ^^ the hardhearted monster ! to abandon me
here to die oh ! to use me so to leave me like a
like a " (the widow was fond of similes) " like
an old shoe like a dirty glove like a like I don't
know what ! " (the usual fate of similes). " Mister
Durfy, I '11 punish you for this I will ! " said the
widow, with an energetic emphasis on the last word ;
and she marched out of the shop, boiling over with in-
dignation, through which nevertheless, a little bubble of
love now and then rose to the surface ; and by the time
she reached her own door, love predominated, and she
sighed as she laid her hand on the knocker : ^^ After all.



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Handy Andy 39

if the dear fellow should be killed, what would become
of me ! oh ! and that wretch, Dick Dawson, too
two of them. The worst of these merry devils is they
are always fighting."

The squire had ridden immediately homewards, and
told Dick Dawson the piece of work that was before
them.

^ And so he will have a shot at you, instead of an
action ? " said Dick. ** Well there 's pluck in that : I
wish he was more of a gentleman, for your sake. It 's
dirty work, shooting attorney.'*

" He 's enough of a gentleman, Dick, to make it im-
possible for me to refuse him."
** Certainly, Ned," said Dick.
** Do you know, is he anything of a shot ? "
" Faith, he makes very pretty snipe shooting ; but 1
don't know if he has experience of the grass before
breakfast."

" You must try and find out from some one on the
ground ; because, if the poor divil is n't a good shot, I
would n't like to kill him, and I '11 let him off easy
I '11 give it to him in the pistol-arm, or so."

^ Very well, Ned. Where are the flutes ? I must
look over them."

" Here," said the squire, producing a very handsome
mahogany case of Rigby's best. Dick opened the case
with the utmost care, and took up one of the pistols
tenderly, handling it as delicately as if it were a young
child or a lady's hand. He clicked the lock back and
forward a few times ; and, his ear not being satisfied at
the music it produced, he said he should like to examine
them : " At all events they want a touch of oil."

" Well, keep them out of the misthriss' sight, Dick,
for she might be alarmed."

** Divil a taste," says Dick ; " she 's a Dawson, and
there never was a Dawson yet that did not know men
must be men."



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40 Handy Andy

" That 's true, Dick, I would not mind so much if
she was n't in a delicate situation just now, when it
could n't be expected of the woman to be so stout ; so go,
like a good fellow, into your own room, and Andy will
bring you anything you want."

Five minutes after, Dick was engaged in cleaning the
duelling pistols, and Andy at his elbow, with his mouth
wide open, wondering at the interior of the locks which
Dick had just taken ofF.

" Oh, my heavens ! but that 's a quare thing, Misther
Dick, sir," said Andy, going to take it up.

" Keep your fingers off it, you thief, do ! " roared
Dick, making a rap of the turnscrew at Andy's
knuckles.

" Shure, I '11 save you the trouble o' rubbin' that, Mis-
ther Dick, if you let me ; here 's the shabby leather."

" I would n't let your clumsy fist near it, Andy, nor
your shabby leather, you villain, for the world. Go get
me some oil."

Andy went on his errand, and returned with a can of
lamp-oil to Dick, who swore at him for his stupidity \
" The divil fly away witli you ! you never do anything
right ; you bring me lamp-oil for a pistol."

" Well, sure I thought lamp-oil was the right thing
for burnin'."

" And who wants to bum it, you savage ? "

" Are n't you going to fire it, sir ? "

^^ Choke you, you vagabond," said Dick, who could
not resist laughing, nevertheless \ ^ be off, and get me
some sweet oil ; but don't tell any one what it 's for."

Andy retired, and Dick pursued his polishing of the
locks. Why he used such a blundering fellow as Andy
for a messenger might be wondered at, only that Dick
was fond of fun, and Andy's mistakes were a particular
source of amusement to him, and on all occasions when
he could have Andy in his company he made him his
attendant. When the sweet oil was produced, Dick



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Handy Andy 41

looked about for a feather \ but, not finding one, desired
Andy to fetch him a pen. Andy went on his errand,
and returned, after some delay, with an ink bottle.

^ I brought you the ink, sir ; but I can't find a
pin.

^ Confound your numskull ! I did n't say a word
about ink I asked for a pen."

^ And what use would a pin be without ink, now I
ax yourself, Misther Dick ? "

^ I 'd knock your brains out if you had any, you
omadhaun ! Go along, and get me a feather, and make
haste."

Andy went off, and having obtained a feather, re-
turned to Dick, who began to tip certain portions of the
lock verjr delicately with oil.

" What *s that for, Misther Dick, sir, if you plaze ? "

" To make it work smooth."

^ And what 's that thing you 're grazin' now, sir f "

" That 's the tumbler."

" O Lord ! a tumbler what a quare name for it.
I thought there was no tumbler but a tumbler for
punch."

" That *s the tumbler you would like to be cleaning
the inside of, Andy."

" Thrue for you, sir. And what *s that little thing
you have your hand on now, sir ? "

"That's the cock."

** Oh, dear, a cock ! Is there e'er a hin in it,
sir?"

"No, nor a chicken either, though there is a
feather."

" The one in your hand, sir, that you *re grazin' it
with ? "

" No : but this little thing that is called the feather-
spring."

" It 's the feather, I suppose, makes it let fly."

"Nodoubt ofit, Andy."



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42 Handy Andy

" Well, there *s some sinse in that name, then ; but
who 'd think of sich a thing as a tumbler and a cock in
a pistle ? And what 's that place that open and shuts,
sir?"

" The pan."

^Well, there's sinse in that name too, bekase there's
fire in the thing \ and it 's as nath'ral to say pan to that as
to a fryin'-pan is n't it, Misther Dick ? "

^ Oh ! there was a great gunmaker lost in you,
Andy," said Dick, as he screwed on the locks, which he
had regulated to his mind, and began to examine the
various departments of the pistol-case, to see that it was
properly provided. He took the instrument to cut
some circles of thin leather, and Andy again asked him
for the name o' that thing ?

" This is called the punch, Andy.'*

^^ So there is the punch as well as the tumbler, sir."

" Ay, and very strong punch it is, you see, Andy ; "
and Dick, struck it with his little mahogany mallet, and
cut his patches of leather.

" And what 's that for, sir ? the leather I mane."

" That 's for putting round the ball."

^ Is it for fear 't would hurt him too much when you
shot him."

" You 're a queer customer, Andy," said Dick,
smiling.

** And what weeshec little balls thim is, sir."

" They are always small for duelling-pistols."

" Oh, then thim is jewellin' pistles. Why, musha,
Misther Dick, is it goin' to fight a jule you are ? " said
Andy, looking at him with earnestness.

^ No, Andy, but the master is ; but don't say a word
about it."

" Not a word for the world. The masther 's goin'
to fight ! God send him safe out iv it ! amin. And
who is he going to fight, Misther Dick ? "

** Murphy, the attorney, Andy."



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Handy Andy 43

^ Oh, won't the masther di^race himself by fightin'
the Homey ? *'

^ How dare you say such a thing of your master ? "

^^ I ax your pard'n, Misther Dick : but sure you
know what I mane. I hope he'll shoot him."

'* Why, Andy, Murtough was always very good to you,
and now you wish him to be shot."

^ Sure, why would n*t I rather have him kilt more than
the masther ? "

^ But neither may be killed."

^^ Misther Dick," said Andy, lowering his voice,
^^ would n't it be an iligant thing to put two balls into
the pistle instead o' one, and give the masther a chance
over the 'torney ? "

*' Oh, you murdherous villain ! "

^Arrah! why shouldn't the masther have a chance
over him! sure he has childre, and 'Torney Murphy
has none."

^^ At any rate, Andy, I suppose you 'd give the
masther a ball additional for every child he has, and
that would make eight. So you might as well give him
a blunderbuss and slugs at once."

Dick loaded the pistol-case, having made all right,
and desired Andy to mount a horse, carry it by a back
road out of the demesne, and wait at a certain gate he
named until he should be joined there by himself and
the squire, who proceeded at the appointed time to the
ground.

Andy was all ready, and followed his master and Dick
with great pride, bearing the pistol-case after them to
the ground, where Murphy and Tom Durfy were ready
to receive them ; and a great number of spectators were
assembled, for the noise of the business had gone abroad,
and the ground was in consequence crowded.

Tom Durfy had warned Murtough Murphy, who
had no experience as a pistol man, that the squire was
a capital shot, and that his only chance was to fire as



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44 Handy Andy

quickly as he could. " Slap at him, Morty, my boy, the
minute you get the word ; and if you don't hit him itself,
it will prevent his dwelling on his aim."

Tom Duriy and Dick the Devil soon settled the pre-
liminaries of the ground and mode of firing, and twelve
paces having been marked, both the seconds opened their
pistol-cases and prepared to load. Andy was close to
Dick all the time, kneeling beside the pistol-case, which
lay on the sod \ and as Dick turned round to settle
some other point on which Tom Durfy questioned him,
Andy thought he might snatch the opportunity of giving
his master ^the chance" he suggested to his second.
^^ Sure, if Misther Dick would n't like to do it, that 's no
raison I would n't," said Andy to himself, ^^ and, by the
powers! I'll pop in a ball mknnunst to him." And,
sure enough, Andy contrived, while the seconds were
engaged with each other, to put a ball into each pistol
before the barrel was loaded with powder, so that when
Dick took up his pistols to load, a bullet lay between the
powder and the touch-hole. Now, this must have been
discovered by Dick, had he been cool : but he and Tom
Durfy had wrangled very much about the point they had
been discussing, and Dick, at no time the quietest
person in the world, was in such a rage that the pistols
were loaded by him without noticing Andy's ingenious
interference, and he handed a harmless weapon to his
brother-in-law when he placed him on his ground.

The word was given. Murtough, following his
friend's advice, fired instantly bang he went, while the
squire returned but a flash in the pan. He turned a
look of reproach upon Dick, who took the pistol silently
from him, and handed him the other, having carefully
looked to the priming after the accident which happened
to the first.

Durfy handed his man another pistol also ; and before
he left his side, said in a whisper, ^^ Don't forget have
the first fire."



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Handy Andy 45

Again the word was given. Murphy blazed away a
rapid and harmless shot ; for his hurry was the squire's
safety, while Andy's murderous intentions were his
salvation.

"D n the pistol!" said the squire, throwing it
down in a rage. Dick took it up with manifest indigna-
tion, and d d the powder.

" Your powder 's damp, Ned."

" No, it 's not," said the squire, " it 's you who have
bungled the loading."

^ Me ! " said Dick, with a look of mingled rage and
astonishment. ^^ / bungle the loading of pistols 1 /, that
have stepped more ground and arranged more afiairs than
any man in the country ! Arrah, be aisy, Ned ! "

Tom Duriy now interfered, and said for the present
it was no matter, as, on the part of his friend, he begged
to express himself satisfied.

^^ But it 's very hard we 're not to have a shot," said
Dick, poking the touch-hole of the pistol with a pricker,
which he had just taken from the case which Andy was
holding before him.

*' Why, my dear Dick," said Durfy, " as Murphy has
had two shots, and the squire has not had the return of
either, he declares he will not iire at him again ; and,
under these circumstances, I must take my man off the
ground."

" Very well," said Dick, still poking the touch-hole,
and examining the point of the pricker as he withdrew it.

" And now Murphy wants to know, since the aflfiur is
all over and his honour satisfied, what was your brother-
in-law's motive in assaulting him this morning, for he
himself cannot conceive a cause for it."

" Oh, be aisy^ Tom."

" *Pon my soul it 's true ! "

" Why, he sent him a blister a regular apothecary's
blister instead of some law process, by way of a joke,
and Ned would n't stand it."



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46 Handy Andy

Durfy held a moment's conversation with Murphy,
who now advanced to the squire, and begged to assure
him there must be some mistake in the business, for
that he had never committed the impertinence of which
he was accused.

"All I know is," said the squire, "that I got a
blister, which my messenger said you gave him."

" By virtue of my oath, squire, I never did it ! I
gave Andy an enclosure of the law process."

"Then it's some mistake that vagabond has made,"
said the squire. " Come here, you sir ! " he shouted to
Andy. Now Andy at this moment stood trembling
under the angry eye of Dick the Devil, who, having
detected a bit of lead on the point of the pricker, guessed
in a moment Andy had been at work, and the unfortu-
nate rascal, from the furious look of Dick, had a
misgiving that he had made some blunder. ^^ Why don't
you come here when I call you ? " said the squire.
Andy laid down the pistol-case, and sneaked up to the
squire. " What did you do with the letter Mr. Murphy
gave you for me yesterday ? "

** I brought it to your honour."

" No, you did n't," said Murphy. " You Ve made
some mistake."

"Divil a mistake I made," answered Andy, very
stoutly. " I wint home the minit you gev it to
me.

" Did you go home direct from my house to the
squire's ? "

" Yis, sir, I did I went direct home, and called at
Mr. M'Garry's by the way for some physic for the
childre."

" That 's it ! " said Murtough ; " he changed my
enclosure for a blister there ; and if M'Gany has only
had the luck to send the bit o' parchment to O'Grady,
it will be the best joke I 've heard this month of
Sundays.'*



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Handy Andy 47

* He did ! he did ! " shouted Tom Durfy ; " for don't
you remember how O'Grady was after M'Gany this
morning ? **

^ Sure enough,'' said Murtough, enjoying the double
mistake. ^^ By dad ! Andy, you Ve made a mistake this
time that I '11 forgive you."

" By the powers o' war !" roared Dick the Devil; "I
won't forgive him what he did now, though* What do
you think ? " said he, holding out the pistols, and growing
crimson with rage, ^^ may I never fire another shot, if he
hasn't crammed a brace of bullets down the pistols
before I loaded them ; so no wonder you burned prime,
Ned."

There was a universal laugh at Dick's expense,
whose pride in being considered the most accomplished
regulator of the duello was well known.

^ Oh, Dick, Dick ! you 're a pretty second ! " was
shouted by all.

Dick, stung by the laughter, and feeling keenly the
ridiculous position in which he was placed, made a
rush at Andy, who, seeing the storm brewing, gradually
sneaked away from the group, and when he perceived
the sudden movement of Dick the Devil, took to his
heels, with Dick after him.

"Hurra!" cried Murphy, "a race a race! I'll
bet on Andy five pounds on Andy."

"Done!" said the squire: "I'll back Dick the
Divil."

"Tare an' ouns!" roared Murphy, "how Andy
runs ! Fear 's a fine spur."

"So is rage," said the squire. "Dick's hot-foot
after him. Will you double the bet?"

" Done ! " said Murphy.

The infection of betting caught the bystanders, and
various gages were thrown and taken up upon the speed
of the runners, who were getting rapidly into the dis-
tance, flying over hedge and ditch with surprising



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48 Handy Andy

velocity, and, from the level nature of the ground|
an extensive view could not be obtained, therefore
Tom Durfy, the steeple-chaser, cried, " Mount, mount !
or we '11 lose the fun into our saddles, and after
them."

Those who had steeds took the hint, and a numerous
field of horsemen joined in the pursuit of Handy Andy
and Dick the Devil, who still maintained great speed.
The horsemen made for a neighbouring hill, whence
they could command a wider view; and the betting
went on briskly, varying according to the vicissitudes
of the race.

" Two to one on Dick he 's closing."

** Done ! Andy will wind him yet."

" Well done there 's a leap ! Hurra ! Dick 's down !
Well done^ Dick I up again and going."

" Mind the next quickset hedge that 's a rasper,
it 's a wide gripe, and the hedge is as thick as a wall
Andy '11 stick in it mind him well leaped, by the
powers ! Ha ! he 's sticking in the hedge Dick '11
catch him now. No, by jingo ! he 's pushed his way
through there, he's going again on the other side.
Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! look at him he 's in tatters ! he
has left half of his breeches in the hedge ! "

^^ Dick is over now. Hurra ! he has lost the skirt of
his coat ! Andy is gaining on him two to one on Andy."

" Down he goes ! " was shouted as Andy's foot slipped
in making a dash at another ditch, into which he went
head over hels, and Dick followed fast, and disappeared
after him.

'* Ride ! ride ! " shouted Tom Durfy ; and the horse-
men put their spurs into the flanks of their steeds, and
were soon up to the scene of action. There was Andy,
rolling over and over in the muddy bottom of a ditch,
floundering in rank weeds and duck's meat, with Dick
fastened on him, pummelling away most unmercifully,
but not able to kill him altogether, for want of breath.



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Handy Andy 49

The horsemen, in a universal screech of laughter, dis-
mounted, and disengaged the unfortunate Andy from the
fangs of Dick the Devil, who was dragged out of the
ditch much more like a scavenger than a gentleman.

The moment Andy got loose, away he ran again,
with a rattling " Tally-ho ! " after him, and he never
cried stop till he earthed himself under his mother's bed
in the parent cabin.

Murtough Murphy characteristically remarked, that
the aflfair of the day had taken a very whimsical turn ;
" Here are you and I, squire, who went out to shoot
each other, safe and well, while one of the seconds has
come off rather worse for the wear ; and a poor devil,
who had nothing to say to the matter in hand, good, bad,
or indifferent, is nearly killed."

The squire and Murtough then shook hands, and
parted friends half an hour after they had met as foes;
and even Dick contrived to forget his annoyance in an
extra stoup of claret that day after dinner filling more
than one bumper in drinking confusion to Handy Andy,
which seemed a rather unnecessary malediction.



VOL. L 4



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CHAPTER IV

AFTER the friendly parting of the foes {pro tempore)^
there was a genend scatter of the party who had
come to see the duel : and how strange is the fact, that
as much as human nature is prone to shudder at death
under the gentlest circumstances, yet men will congre-
gate to be its witnesses when violence aggravates the
calamity! A public execution or a duel is a focus
where burning curiosity concentrates ; in the latter case,
Ireland bears the palm for a crowd ; in the former, the
annals of the Old Bailey can amply testify. Ireland has
its own interest, too, in a place of execution, but not in
the same degree as England. They have been too used
to hanging in Ireland to make it piquant : ^^ toujours
perdrix " is a saying which applies in this as in many
other cases. The ^lows, in its palmy days, was shorn
of its terrors : it became rather a pastime. For the
victim it was a pastime with a vengeance ; for through
it all time was past with him. For the rabble who
beheld his agony, the frequency of the sight had blunted
the edge of horror, and only sharpened that of un-
natural excitement. The great school, where law should
be the respected master, failed to inspire its intended
awe ; the legislative lesson became a mockery ; and
death, instead of frowning with terror, grinned in a fool's
cap from the scaffold.

This may be doubted now, when a milder spirit pre-
sides in the councils of the nation and on the bench ;
but those who remember Ireland not very long ago, can
bear witness how lightly life was valued, or 'death



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Handy Andy 51

regarded. Illustrative of this, one may refer to the
story of the two basket-women in Dublin, who held
gentle converse on the subject of an approaching
execution.

^ Won't you go see de man die to-morrow, Judy ? "

"Oh no, darlin%" said Judy. (By-the-bye, Judy
pronounced the n through her nose, and said ^^Z*)

" Ah do, jewel," said her friend.

Judy again responded, ** Zo.'*

" And why won't you go, dear ? " inquired her friend
again.

" I 've to wash de child," said Judy.

"Sure, did n't you wash it kst week?" said her
friend, in an expostulatory tone.

" Oh, well, I worCt go," said Judy.

" Throth, Judy, you 're ruinin' your health," said
this soft-hearted acquaintance; "dere's a man to die
to-morrow, and you won't come augh 1 you ^/ever
take do divarshin ! "

And wherefore is it thus ? Why should tears bedew
the couch of him who dies in the bosom of his family,
surrounded by those who love him, whose pillow is
smoothed by the hand of filial piety, whose past is
without reproach, and whose future is bright with hope ?
and why should dry eyes behold the duellist or the cul-
prit, in whom folly or guilt may be the cause of a death
on which the seal of censure or infamy may be set, and
whose futurity we must tremble to consider? With
more reason might we weep for the fote of either of*
the latter than the former, and yet we do not. And why
is it so ? If I may venture an opinion, it is that nature
is violated : a natural death demands and receives the
natural tribute of tears; but a death of violence falls
with a stunning force upon the nerves, and the fountain
of pity stagnates and will not flow.

Though there was a general scattering of the persons
who came to see the duel, still a good many rode home*



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52 Handy Andy

ward with Murphy, who, with his second, Tom Durfy,
beside him, headed the party, as they rode gaily towards
the town, and laughed over the adventure of Andy and
Dick.

" No one can tell how anything is to finish," said
Tom Durfy ; ** here we came out to have a duel, and,
in the end, it turned out a hunt."

" I am glad you were not in at my death, however,"
said Murphy, who seemed panicularly happy at not
being killed.

" You lost no time in firing, Murtough," said one of
his friends.

" And small blame to me, Billy," answered Murphy ;
^^ Egan is a capital shot, and how did I know but he
might take it into his head to shoot me ? for he 's very
hot when roused, though as good-natured a fellow in
the main as ever broke bread ; and yet I don't think,
after all, he 'd have liked to do me much mischief either ;
but, you see, he could n't stand the joke he thought I
played him."

" Will you tell us what it was ? " cried another of the
party, pressing forward, " for we can't make it out ex-
actly, though we 've heard something of it wasn't it
leeches you sent to him, telling him he was a blood-
sucking villain ? "

A roar of laughter from Murtough followed this ques-
tion. " Lord, how a story gets mangled and twisted ! "
said he, as soon as he could speak. ^^ Leeches ! what
an absurdity ! No, it was "

" A bottle of castor oil, was n't it, by way of a present
of noyeau ? " said another of the party, hurrying to the
front to put forward bis version of the matter.

A second shout of laughter from Murphy greeted this
third edition of the story. " If you will listen to me,
I '11 give you the genuine version," said Murtough,
"which is better, I promise you, than any which in-
vention could supply. The fact is. Squire Egan is



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Handy Andy 53

enraged against O'Grady, and applied to me to harass
him in the parchment line, swearing he would blister
him ; and this phrase of blistering occurred so often,
that when I sent him over a bit o' parchment, which he
engaged to have served on my bold O'Grady, I wrote to
him, ^ Dear Squire, I send you the blister ; ' and that
most ingenious of all blunderers. Handy Andy, being the
bearer, and calling at M'Garry's shop on his way home,
picked up from the counter a real blister, which was
folded up in an inclosure, something like the process,
and left the law-stinger behind him/'

" That 's grate ! " cried Doyle.

^ Oh, but you have not heard the best of it yet/'
added Murphy. ^I am certain the bit of parchment
was sent to O'Grady, for he was hunting M'Garry this
morning through the town, with a cudgel of portentous
dimensions put that and that together."

^ No misuke ! " cried Doyle ; " and divil pity
O'Grady, for he 's a blustering, swaggering, overbearing,
ill-tempered "

" Hillo, hillo. Bill ! '* interrupted Murphy, " you are
too hard on the adjectives; besides, you'll spoil your
appetite if you ruffle your temper, and that would fret
me, for I intend you to dine with me to-day."

^ Faith an' I '11 do that same, Murtough, my boy, and
glad to be asked, as the old maid said."

" I '11 tell you what it is," said Murphy ; "boys, you
must all dine with me to-day, and drink long life to me,
since I 'm not killed."

" There are seventeen of us," said Durfy ; " the little
parlour won't hold us all."

'' But is n't there a big room at the inn, Tom ? "
returned Murphy, " and not better drink in Ireland than
Mrs. Fay's. What do you say, lads one and all
will you dine with me ? "

** Will a duck swim ? " chuckled out Jack Horan, an
oily veteran, who seldom opened his mouth but to put



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54 Handy Andy

something into it, and spared his words as if they were
of value; and to make them appear so, he spoke in
apophthegms.

** What say you, James Reddy ? " said Murtough.

'* Ready, sure enough, and willing too ! " answered
James, who was a small wit, and made the aforesaid play
upon his name at least three hundred and sixty-five times
every year.

" Oh, we '11 all come," was uttered right and left.

" Good men and true ! " shouted Murphy ; "won't we
make the rafters shake, and turn the cellar inside out !
Whoo ! I 'm in great heart to-day. But who is this
powdhering up the road ? By the powers ! 't is the
doctor, I think ; 't is I know his bandy hat over the
cloud of dust."

The individual thus designated as the doctor now
emerged from the obscurity in which he had been
enveloped, and was received with a loud shout by the
whole cavalcade as he approached them. Both parties
drew rein, and the doctor, lifting from his head the
aforesaid bandy hat, which was slouched over one eye,
with a sinister droop, made a low obeisance to Murphy,
and said, with a mock solemnity, " Your servant, sir
and so you 're not killed ? "

" No," said Murphy ; " and you Ve lost a job, which
I see you came to look for but you *re not to have the
carving of me yet."

" Considering it 's so near Michaelmas, I think you've
bad a great escape, signor," returned the doctor.

'' Sure enough," said Murphy, laughing ; " but you 're
late this time: so you must turn back, and content
yourself with carving something more innocent than an
attorney to-day though at an attorney's cost. You
must dine with me."

'' Willingly, signor," said the doctor ; " but pray don't
make use of the word ' cost.' I hate to hear it out of
an attorney's mouth or hill^ I should say."



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Handy Andy 55

A bugh followed the doctor's pleasantry, but no
smile appeared upon his countenance ; for though utter-
ing quaint and often very good, but oftener very bitter,
things, he never moved a muscle of his face, while
others were shaking their sides at his sallies. He was, in
more ways than one, a remarkable man. A massive head,
large and rather protruding eyes, lank hair, slouching
ears, a short neck, and broad shoulders, rather inclined
to stooping, a long body, and short legs, slightly bowed,
constituted his outward man \ and a lemon-coloured
complexion, which a residence of some years in the
East Indies had produced, did not tend to increase his
beauty. His mind displayed a superior intelligence,
original views, contempt of received opinions, with a
power of satire and ridicule, which rendered him a
pleasing friend or a dangerous enemy, as the case might
be ; though, to say the truth, friend and foe were treated
with nearly equal severity, if a joke or sarcasm tempted
the assault. His own profession hated him, for he
unsparingly ridiculed all stale practice, which his con-
viction led him to believe was inefficient, and he daringly
introduced fresh, to the no small indignation of the more
cut and dry portion of the faculty, for whose hate he
returned contempt, of which he made no secret. From
an extreme coarseness of manner, even those who be-
lieved in his skill were afraid to trust to his humour :
and the dislike of his brother-practitioners to meet him
superadded to this, damaged his interest considerably,
and prevented his being called in until extreme danger
frightened patients, or their friends, into sending for
Dr. Growling. His carelessness in dress, too, inspired
disgust in the fair portion of the creation: and "snuffy"
and " dirty," " savage " and " brute," were among the
sweet words they applied to him.

Nevertheless, those who loved a joke more than they
feared a hit, would run the risk of an occasional thrust
of the doctor's stiletto, for the sake of enjoying the



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56 Handy Andy

mangling he gave other people; and such rollicking
fellows as Murphy, and Durfy, and Dawson, and Squire
Egan petted this social hedgehog.

The doctor now turned his horse's head, and joined
the cavalcade to the town. "I have blown my Rosi-
nante/' said he j "I was in such a hurry to see the fun."

" Yes," said Murphy, " he smokes."

^^ And his master takes snuiF," said the doctor, suit-
ing the action to the word. ^^I suppose, signor, you
were thinking a little while ago that the squire might
serve an ejectment on your vitality ? "

^^Or that in the trial between us I might get dam-
ages," said Murphy.

" There is a difference, in such case," said the doc-
tor, " between a court of law and the court of honour ;
for in the former, the man is plaintiff before he gets his
damages, while in the latter, it is after he gets his dam-
ages that he complains."

^^I 'm glad my term is not ended, however," said
Murphy.

" If it had been," said the doctor, " I think you 'd have
had a long vacation in limbo."

" And suppose I had been hit," said Murphy, " you
would have been late on the ground. You 're a pretty
friend ! "

" It 's my luck, sir," said the doctor ; *' I 'm always
late for a job. By-the-bye, I '11 tell you an amusing
fact of that musty piece of humanity. Miss Jinkins.
Her niece was dangerously ill, and she had that licensed
slaughterer from Killanmaul trying to tinker her up, till
the poor girl was past all hope, and then she sends for
me. She swore, some dme ago, I shall never darken
her doors ; but when she began to apprehend that death
was rather a darker gentleman than I, she tolerated my
person. The old crocodile met me in the hall by-
the-bye, did you ever remark she 's like a crocodile, only
not with so pleasing an expression ? and wringing her



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Handy Andy 57

hands she cried, ^ Oh, doctor, I '11 be bound to you for-
ever!* I hope not, thought I to myself. 'Save my
Jemima, doctor, and there 's nothing I won't do to prove
my gratitude.' ^ Is she long ill, ma'am ? ' said I. ^ A
fortnight, doctor.' * I wish I had been called in sooner,
ma'am,' says I for, 'pon my conscience. Murphy, it
is too ridiculous the way the people go on about me. I
verily believe they think I can raise people out of their
graves ; and they call me in to repair the damages dis-
ease and the doctors have been making ; and while the
gentlemen in black silk stockings, with gold-headed
canes, have been fobbing fees for three weeks, perhaps,
they call in poor Jack Growling, who scorns Jack-a-
dandyism, and he gets a solitary guinea for mending the
bungling that cost something to the tune of twenty or
thirty perhaps. And when I have plucked them from
the jaws of death regularly cheated the sexton out of
them the best word they have for me is to call me a
pig, or abuse my boots, or wonder that the doctor is not
more particular about his linen the fools! But to
return to my gentle crocodile. I was shown upstairs to
the sick room, and there, sir, I saw the unfortunate girl,
speechless, at the last gasp absolutely. The Killanmaul
dandy had left her to die absolutely given her up; and
then^ indeed, I 'm sent for ! Well, I was in a rage, and
was rushing out of the house, when the crocodile way-
laid me in the hall. ' Oh, doctor, won't you do some-
thing for my Jemima ? ' * I can't, ma'am,* says I ; 'but
Mr. Fogarty can.' *Mr. Fogarty!* says she. *Yes,
ma'am,' says I. ' You have mistaken my profession,
Miss Jinkins I 'm a doctor, ma'am; but I suppose
ym took me for an undertaker / " *

" Well, you hit her hard, doctor,'* said Murphy.
"Sir, you might as well hit a rhinoceros," returned
the doctor,

"When shall we dine ? " asked Jack Horan.

" As soon as Mrs. Fay can let us have the eatables,**



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58 Handy Andy

answered Murphy ; " and, by-the-bye, Jack, I leave the
ordering of the dinner to you, for no man understands
better how to do that same ; besides, I want to leave my
horse in my own stable, and I 'U be up at the inn, after
you, in a brace of shakes."

The troop now approached the town. Those who
lived there rode to their own stables, and returned to the
party at Mrs. Fay's : while they who resided at a dis-
tance dismounted at the door of the inn, which soon
became a scene of bustle in all its departments from this
large influx of guests ; and the preparation for the din-
ner, exceeding in scale what Mrs. Fay was generally
called upon to provide, except when the assizes, or races,
or other such cause of commotion, demanded all the
resources of her establishment, and more, if she had
them. So the Dinnys, and the Tims, and the Mickeys,
were rubbing down horses, cleaning knives, or drawing
forth extra tables from their dusty repose; and the
Biddys, and Judys, and Nellys, were washing up plates,
scouring pans, and brightening up extra candlesticks,
or doing deeds of doom in the poultry-yard, where an
audible commotion gave token of the premature deaths
of sundry supernumerary chickens.

Murphy soon joined his guests, grinning from ear to
ear, and rubbing his hands as he entered.

** Great news, boys," said he; "who do you think
was at my house, when I got home, but M'Garry, with
his head bandaged up, and his whole body, as he declares,
bearing black and blue testimony to the merciless attack
of the bold O'Grady, against whom he swears he'll
bring an action for assault and batteiy. Now, boys, I
thought it would be great fun to have him here to din-
ner it 's as good as a play to hear him describe the
thrashing so I asked him to come. He said he was
not in a fit state to dine out; but I egged him on by
saying that a sight of him in his present plight would
excite sympathy for him, and stir up public feeling



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Handy Andy 59

against O'Giady, and that all would tell in the action, as
most likely some of the present company might be on
the jury, and would be the better able to judge how far
he was entitled to damages, from witnessing the severity
of the injury he had received. So he 's coming ; and
mind, you must all be deeply afiected at his suiFerings,
and impressed with the powerful description he gives of
the same."

** Very scientific, of course," said old Growling.

" Extensively so," returned Murphy ; '' he laid on the
Latin heavy,'^

'Yes the fool!" growled the doctor: "he can't
help sporting it even on me. I went into his shop one
day, and asked for some opium wine, and he could not
resist calling it vinum opii as he handed it to me."

*' We '11 make him a martyr ! " cried Durfy.

" We '11 make him dhrunk ! " said Jack Horan, " and
that will be better. He brags that he never was what
he calls inebriated ' in his life ; and it will be great fun
to send him home on a door, with a note to his wife,
who is proud of his propriety."

As they spoke, M'Garry entered, his head freshly
bound up, to look as genteel as possible amongst the
gentlemen with whom he was to have the honour of
dining. His wife had suggested a pink ribbon, but
M'Garry, while he acknowledged his wife's superior taste,
said black would look more professional. The odd fel-
lows to whom he had now committed himself, crowded
round him, and, in the most exaggerated phrases, implied
the high sense they entertained of his wrongs and
O'Grady's aggression.

" Unprovoked attack ! " cried one.

" Savage ruffian ! " ejaculated another.

" What atrocity ! " said a third.

* What dignified composure ! " added a fourth, in an
audible whisper, meant for M'Garry's ear.

" Gentlemen ! " said the apothecary, flurried at the



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6o Handy Andy

extreme attention of which he became the object ; ^^ I
beg to assure you I am deeply that is this proof of
of of of symptoms gentlemen I mean sym-
pathy, gentlemen in short, I really '*

** The fact is," said Growling, ** I see Mr. M'Gariy
is rather shaken in nerve whether from loss of blood
or "

" I have lost a quantity of blood, doctor," said
M'Garry ; " much vascular, to say nothing of extra-
vasated."

" Which, I '11 state in my case," said Murphy.

'* Murphy, don't interrupt," said Growling, who, with
a veiy grave face, recommenced : " Gentlemen, from
the cause already stated, I see Mr. M'Gany is not pre-
pared to answer the out-pouring of feeling with which
you have greeted him, and if I might be permitted "

Every one shouted, " Certainly certainly ! "

" Then as I am permitted, I will venture to respond
for Mr. M'Garry, and address you, as he would address
you. In the words of Mr. M'Garry, I would say
Gentlemen unaccustomed as I am " Some smothered
laughter followed this beginning ; upon which the doctor,
with a mock gravity, proceeded

^^ Gentlemen, this interruption I consider to be an
infringement on the liberty of the subject. I recom-
mence, therefore, in the words of my honourable and
wounded friend, and our honourable and wounded feel-
ings, and say, as my friend would say, or, to speak classi-
cally, M'Garry loquitur "

The apothecaiy bowed his head to the bit of Latin,
and the doctor continued

" Gentlemen unaccustomed to public thrashing, you
can conceive what my feelings are at the present moment,
in mind and body. [Bravo /] You behold an outrage
[much confusion] ! Shall an exaggerated savagery like
this escape punishment, and ^ the calm, sequestered vale'
(as the poet calls it) of private life be ravaged with im-



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Handy Andy 6i

punity ? \Bravo^ bravo /] Are the learned professions
to be trampled under foot by barbarian ignorance and
brutality? No; I read in the indignant looks of my
auditory their high-souled answers. Gentlemen, your
sympathy is better than diachylon to my wounds, and
this is the proudest day of my life."

Thunders of applause followed the doctor's address,
and every one shook M'Garry's hand, till his bruised
bones ached again. Questions poured upon him from
all sides as to the nature and quantity of his drubbing, to
all of which M'Garry innocently answered in terms of
exaggeration, spiced with scientific phrases. Muscles,
tendons, bones, and sinews, were particularised with the
precision of an anatomical demonstration ; he swore he
was pulverised, and paralysed, and all the other lies he
could think of.

" A large stick you say ? " said Murphy.

" Sir ! I never saw such a stick 't was like a
weaver's beam ! "

" I '11 make a note of that," said Murphy. " A
weaver's beam 't will tell well with a jury."

" And beat you all over ? " said Durfy.

^ From shoulder to flank, sir, I am one mass of welts
and weals; the abrasures are extensive, the bruises
terrific, particularly in the lumbar region."

" What 's that," asked Jack Horan.

" The lumbar region is what is commonly called the
loins, sir."

" Not always," said the doctor. *' It varies in differ-
ent subjects : I have known some people whose lumber
region lay in the head."

"You laugh, gentlemen," said M'Garry, with a
mournful smile ; " but you know the doctor he will
be jocular." He then continued to describe the various
other r^ons of his injuries, amidst the well-acted pity
and indignation of the queer fellows who drew him out,
until they were saturated, so far, with the fun of the



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62 Handy Andy

subject. After which. Murphy, whose restless tempera-
ment could never let him be quiet for a moment, sug
gested that they should divert themselves before dinner
with a badger-nght.

^^ Is n't one fight a day enough for you, signor ? "
said the doctor.

" It is not every day we get a badger, you know,"
said Murphy; "and I heard just now from Tim the
waiter that there is a horse-dealer lately arrived at the
stables here, who has a famous one with him, and I know
Reilly the butcher has two or three capital dogs, and
there 's a wicked mastiff below stairs, and I Ml send for
my * buffer,* and we *11 have some spanking sport.*'

He led his guests then to the inn yard, and the horse-
dealer, for a consideration, allowed his badger to wage
battle : the noise of the affair spread through the town,
while they were making their arrangements, and sending
right and left for dogs for the contest; and a pretty
considerable crowd soon assembled at the place of action,
where the hour before dinner was spent in the intellectual
amusement of a badger-fight.



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CHAPTER V

THE fierce yells of the badger-fight ringing far and
wide, soon attracted a crowd, which continued to
increase every minute by instalments of men and boys,
who might be seen running across a small field by the
road-side, close to the scene of action, which lay at the
back of the inn; and heavy-caped and skirted frieze
coats streamed behind the full-grown, while the rags of
the gossoons ^ fluttered in the race. Attracted by this
evidence of ^^ something going on," a horseman, who
was approaching the town, urged his horse to speed, and
turning his head towards a yawning double ditch that
divided the road from the field, he gracefully rode the
noble animal over the spanking leap.

The rider was Edward O'Connor; and he was
worthy of his name the pure blood of that royal race
was in his heart, which never harboured a sentiment
that could do it dishonour, and overflowed with feelings
which ennoble human nature, and make us proud of our
kind. He was young and handsome ; and as he sat
his mettled horse, no lady could deny that Edward
O'Connor was the very type of the gallant cavalier.
TTiough attached to eveiy manly sport and exercise, his
mind was of a refined order ; and a youth passed amidst
books and some of the loveliest scenery in Ireland had -
nurtured the poetic feeling with which his mind was
gifted, and which found its vent in many a love-taught

Boy.



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64 Handy Andy

lyric, or touching ballad, or spirit-stirring song, whose
theme was national glory. To him the bygone days
of his country's history were dear, made more familiar
by many an antique relic which hung around his own
room in his father's house. Celt and sword, and spear-
head of Phoenician bronze, and golden gorget, and silver
bodkin, and ancient harp, and studded crosier, were
there ; and these time-worn evidences of arts, and arms,
and letters flattered the affection with which he looked
back on the ancient history of Ireland, and kept alive the
ardent love of his country with which he glowed a
love too deep, too pure, to be likely to expire, even
without the aid of such poetic sources of excitement.
To him the nafties of Fitzgerald, and Desmond, and
Tyrone, were dear ; and there was no romantic legend
of the humbler outlaws with which he was not familiar :
and Charley of the Horses," and " Ned of the Hill,"
but headed the list of names he loved to recall ; and the
daring deeds of bold spirits who held the hill-side for
liberty, were often given in words of poetic fire from the
lips of Edward O'Connor.

And yet Edward O'Connor went to see the badger-
fight.

There is something inherent in man's nature, urging
him to familiarise himself with cruelty : and, perhaps,
without such a power of witnessing savage deeds, he
would be unequal to the dominion for which he was
designed. Men of the highest order of intellect the
world has known have loved the chase. How admirably
Scott displays this tendency of noble minds, in the
meeting of Ellen with her father, when Douglas says

" The chase I followed far 5
'T is mimicry of noble war.'*

And the effect of this touch of character is heightened
by Douglas in a subsequent scene Douglas, who could
enjoy the sport which ends in death, bending over his



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Handy Andy 65

gentle child, and dropping tears of the tenderest aflection
tears which

** Would not stain an angel's check.*'

Superadded to this natural tendency, Edward O'Con-
nor had an additional motive. He lived amongst a
society of sporting men, less cultivated than he was,
whose self-esteem would have easily ignited the spark of
jealousy if he had seemed to scorn the things which
made their principal enjoyment, and formed the chief
occupation of their lives ; and his good sense and good
heart (and there is an intimate connection between
them) pointed out to him that, wherever your lot is
cast, duty to yourself and others suggests the propriety
of adapting your conduct to the circumstances in which
you are placed (so long as morality and decency are not
violated), and that the manifestation of one's own
superiority may render the purchase too dear, by being
bought at the terrible price of our neighbour's dislike.
He, therefore, did not tell everybody he wrote verses :
he kept the gift as secret as he could. If an error,
however gross, on any subject, were made in his pres-
ence, he never took willing notice of it ; or if circum-
stances obliged him to touch upon it, it was always
done with a politeness and tact that afforded the blun-
derer the means of retreat. If some gross historical
error, for instance, happened to be committed in a con-
versation with himself {znA then only), he would set the
mistake right, as a matter of conscience, but he would
do so by saying there was a great similarity between the
event spoken of and some other event. "I know
what you are thinking of," he would say, " but you
make a slight mistake in the dates ; the two stories are
very similar, and likely to mislead one."

But with all this modest reserve, did the least among
his companions think him the less clever? No. It
was shrewdly suspected he was a poet; it was well
VOL. I. s



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66 Handy Andy

known he was highly educated and accomplished ; and
yet Edward O'Connor was a universal favourite, bore
the character of being a " real fine fellow," and was
loved and respected by the most illiterate of the young
men of the country ; who, in allusion to his extensive
lore on the subject of the legendary heroes of the
romantic history of Ireland, his own Christian name, and
his immediate place of residence, which was near a
wild mountain pass, christened him " Ned of the Hill."

His appearance amidst the crowd assembled to wit-
ness the rude sport was hailed with pleasure varying
from the humble but affectionate respect of the peasant,
who cried **Long life to you, Misther O'Connor," to
the hearty burst of equality, which welcomed him as
"NedoftheHiU."

The fortune of the fight favoured the badger, who
proved himself a trump; and Murphy appreciated his
worth so highly that, when the battle was over, he
would not quit the ground until he became his owner,
at a high price to the horse-dealer. His next move was
to imist on Edward O'Connor dining with him; and
Edward, after many excuses to avoid the party he
foresaw would be a drinking bout of which he had
a special horror, notwithstanding all his toleration
yielded to the entreaties of Murphy, and consented
to be his guest, just as Tim the waiter ran up, steam-
ing from every pore, to announce that the dinner was
"ready to be sarved."

"Then sarve it, sir," said Murphy, "and sarve it
right."

Off cantered Tim, steaming and snorting like a loco-
motive engine, and the party followed to the inn, where
a long procession of dish-bearers was ascending the
stairs to the big room, as Murphy and his friends
entered.

The dinner it is needless to describe. One dinner
it the same as another in the most essential points.



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Handy Andy 67

namely, to satisfy hunger and slake consequent thirst \
and whether beef and cabbage, and heavy wet, are
to conquer the dragon of appetite, or your stomach is
to sustain the more elaborate attack fired from the
hatterie de cuisine of a finished artiste^ and moistened
with champagne, the difference is only of degree in the
fashion of the thing and the tickling of the palate:
hunger is as thoroughly satisfied with the one as the
other ; and headaches as well manufactured out of the
beautiful, bright, and taper glasses which bear the foam
of. France to the lip, as from the coarse, flat-bottomed
tumblers of an inn that reek with punch. At the dinner
there was the same tender solicitude on the part of the
carvers as to " Where would you like it ? " and the
same carelessness on the part of those whom they ques-
tioned, who declared they had no choice, ^^ but if there
was a little bit near the shank," &c., or ^^ if there was a
liver wing to spare J* By the way, some carvers there
are who push an aspirant's patience too far. I have seen
some who, after giving away both wings, and all the
breast, two sidebones, and the short l^s, meet the eager
look of the fifth man on their left with a smile, and ask
him, with an effrontery worthy of the Old Bailey, ** Has
he any choice ? " and, at the same time, toss a drum-stick
on the destined plate, or boldly attempt to divert his
melancholy with a merry-thought. All this, and more,
was there at Murtough Murphy's dinner, long memo-
rable in the country from a frolic that wound up the
evening, which soon began to warm, after the cloth was
removed, into the sort of a thing commonly known by
the name of a jollification. But before the dinner was
over, poor M'Garry was nearly pickled: Jack Horan,
having determined to make him drunk, arranged a sys-
tem of attack on M'Gany's sobriety which bade defi-
ance to his prudence to withstand. It was agreed that
every one should ask the apothecary to take wine ; and
he, poor innocent man ! when gentlemen whom he had



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68 Handy Andy

never had the honour to meet at dinner before addressed
him with a winning smile, and said, ^^ Mr. M'Gariy, will
you do me the honour? " could not do less than fill his
glass eveiy time; so that, to use Jack Horan's own
phrase, the apothecary was ^^ sewed up " before he had
any suspicion of the fact ; and, unused to the indications
of approaching vinous excitement, he supposed it was
the delightful society made him so hilarious, and he
began to launch forth after dinner in a manner quite at
variance with the reserve he usually maintained in the
presence of his superiors, and talked largely. Now,
M'Garry's principal failing was to make himself appear
veiy learned in his profession -, and every new discovery
in chemistry, operation in surgeiy, or scientific experi-
ment he heard of, he was prone to shove in, head and
shoulders, in his soberest moments ; but now that he was
half-drunk, he launched forth on the subject of galvan-
ism, having read of some recent wonderful effects pro-
duced on the body of a recent murderer who was hanged
and given over to the College of Surgeons in Dublin.
To impress the company still more with a sense of his
learning, he addressed Growling on the subject, and the
doctor played him off to advantage.

** Don't you think it very wonderful, doctor?" in-
quired M'Garry, speaking somewhat thickly.

'' Very," answered the doctor, drily.

"They say, sir, the man that is, the subject
when under the influence of the battery,, absolutely
twiddled his left foot, and raised his right arm."

"And raised it to some purpose, too," said the
doctor; "for he raised a contusion on the Surgeon-
General's eye, having hit him over the same."

" Dear me ! I did not hear that."

"It is true, however," said the doctor; "and that
gives you an idea of the power of the galvanic influence,
for you know the Surgeon-General is a powerful man,
and yet he could not hold him down."



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Handy Andy 69

" Wondcrfiil ! " hiccupped M'Garry,

^ But that 's nothing to what happened in London/'
continued the doctor. "They experimented there the
other day with a batteiy of such power, that the man
who was hanged absolutely jumped up, seized a scalpel
from the table, and making a rush on the assembled
Faculty of London, cleared the theatre in less than no
time; dashed into the hall; stabbed the porter who
attempted to stop him ; made a chevy down the south
side of Leicester Square ; and as he reached the comer,
a woman, who was carrying tracts published by the
Society for the Suppression of Vice, shrieked at behold-
ing a man in so startling a condition, and fainted ; he,
with a presence of mind perfectly admirable, whipped
the cloak from her back, and threw it round him, and
scudding through the tortuous alleys which abound in
that neighbourhood, made his way to the house where
the learned Society of Noviomagians hold their convivial
meetings, and, telling the landlord that he was invited
there to dinner as a curiosity, he gained admittance, and,
it is supposed, took his opportunity for escaping, for he
has not since been heard of."

" Good Heaven ! *' gasped M*Garry ; ** and do you
believe that, doctor ? "

** Most firmly, sir ! My belief is, that galvanism is,
in fact, the original principle of vitality."

" Should we not rejoice, doctor," cried M'Garry, " at
this triumph of science ? "

"I don't think you should. Mister M'Garry," said
the doctor, gravely ; " for it would utterly destroy your
branch of the profession : pharmacopolists, instead of
compounding medicine, must compound with their
creditors ; they are utterly ruined. Mercury is no longer
in the ascendent ; all doctors have to do now is to carry
a smaU battery about them, a sort of galvanic pocket-
pistol, I may say, and restore the vital principle by its
application."



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70 Handy Andy

** You are not serious, doctor ? " said M'Garry, be-
coming very serious, with that wise look so peculiar to
drunken men.

*' Never more serious in my life, sir."

" That would be dreadful ! " said M'Gany.

** Shocking^ you mean,*' said the doctor.

** Leave off your confounded scientiiics, there,**
shouted Murphy from the head of the table, ^^ and let us
have a song.**

*' I can't sing, indeed. Mister Murphy," said M'Garry,
who became more intoxicated eveiy moment ; for he con-
tinued to drink, having overstepped the boundary which
custom had prescribed to him.

^ I did n't ask you, man," said Murphy \ ^^ but my
darling fellow, Ned here, will gladden our hearts and
ears with a stave."

^^ Bravo ! " was shouted round the table, trembling
under the *' thunders of applause *' with which heavy
hands made it ring again ; and ^^ Ned of the Hill ! "
" Ned of the Hill ! *' was vociferated with many a
hearty cheer about the board that might indeed be
called '' festive."

" Well,'* said O'Connor, " since you call upon me
in the name of Ned of the Hill, I '11 give you a song
under that very title. Here 's Ned of the Hill's own
shout ; " and in a rich, manly voice he sang, with the
fire of a bard, these lines :

THE SHOUT OF NED OF THE HILL.1
I

The hill ! the hill ! with its sparkling rill.
And its dawning air so light and pure.

Where the morning* s eye scorns the mist, that lie
On the drowsy ^ley and the moor.

1 The songs in this work are published by Duff and HodgsoOa
65, Oidbrd Street.



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Handy Andy 71



Here, with the eagle, I rise betimes ;

Here, with the eagle, my state I keep \
The first we see of the momiDg sun.

And his last as he sets o*er the deep.
And there, while strife is rife below.

Here from the tyrant I am free s
Let shepherd slaves the valley praise,

But the hill 1 the hill for me 1



The baron below in his castle dwells,

And his garden boasts the costly rose %
But mine is the keep of the mountain steep.

Where the matchless wild flower freely blows.
Let him fold his sheep, and his harvest reap

I look down from my mountain throne \
And I choose and pick of the flock and the rick,

And what is his I can make my own.
Let the valley grow in its wealth below.

And the lord keep his high degree \
But higher am I in my liberty

The hill I the hill tor me !

O'Connor's song was greeted with what the music-
publishers are pleased to designate, on their title-pages,
^^ distinguished applause ; " and his ^^ health and song "
were filled to and drank with enthusiasm.

** Whose lines are those ? " asked the doctor.

** I don't know," said O'Connor.

^ That 's as much as to say they are your own," said
Growling. ^ Ned, don't be too modest it is the worst
fault a man can have who wants to get on in this world."

" The call is with you, Ned," shouted Murphy from
the head of the table ; ^^ knock some one down for a
song."

'' Mr. Reddy, I hope, will favour us," said Edward,
with a courteous inclination of his head towards the gen-
tleman he named, who returned a very low bow, with
many protestations that he would " do his best," &c. :
** but after Mr. O'Connor, really," and this was said
with a certain self-complacent smile, indicative of his



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72 Handy Andy

being on very good terms with himself. Now, James
Reddy wrote rhymes bless the mark ! and was tol-
erably well convinced that, except Tom Moore (if he
did except even him), there was not a man in the British
dominions his equal at a lyric. He sang, too, with a
kill-me-quite air, as if no lady could resist his strains ;
and to "give effect," as he called it, he began every
stanza as loud as he could, and finished it in a gentle
murmur tailed it off veiy taper, indeed; in short, it
seemed as if a shout had been suddenly smitten with
consumption, and died in a whisper. And this, his
style, he never varied, whatever the nature or expression
of the song might be, or the sense to be expressed ; but
as he very often sang his own, there were seldom any
to consider. This rubbish he had set to music by the
country music-master, who believed himself to be a better
composer than Sir John Stevenson, to whom the preju-
dices of the world gave the palm ; and he eagerly caught
at the opportunity which the verses and vanity of Reddy
afforded him, of stringing his crotchets and quavers on
the same hank with the abortive fruits of Reddy's muse,
and the wretched productions hung worthily together.

Reddy, with the proper quantity of " hems and haws,"
and rubbing down his upper lip and chin with his fore-
finger and thumb, cleared his throat, tossed his nose
into the air, and said he was going to give them " a
little classic thing."

" Just look at the puppy ! " snarled out old Growling
to his neighbour : " he 's going to measure us out some
yards of his own fustian, I 'm sure he looks so
pleased."

Reddy gave his last " a-hem ! " and sang what he
called

THE LAMENT OF ARIADNE

The graceful Greek, with gem-bright hair.
Her garments rent, and rent the air \



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Handy Andy 73

tt What a tearing rage she was in ! " said old Growl-
ing in an undcr-tone.

With sobs and sighs
And tearful eyes.
Like fountain ur of Helicon I

" Oh, thunder and lightning ! " growled the doctor,
who pulled a letter out of his pocket, and began to
scribble on the blank portions of it, with the stump of a
a blunt pencil, which he very audibly sucked, to enable
it to make a mark.

For ahy her lover false was gone I
The fickle brave,
And fickle wave,

** And pickled cabbage," said the doctor.

Combined to cheat the fickle fair.

O fickle ! fickle I fickle I
But the brave should be true.
And the fair ones too -^
True, true.
As the ocean* 8 blue 1
And Ariadne had not been,
Deserted there, like beauty* s queen.
Oh, Adriadne ! adne ! adne I

^^ Beautiful ! " said the doctor, with an approving nod
at Reddy, who continued his song, while the doctor con-
tinued to write.

The sea-nymphs round the sea-girt shore

Mocked the maiden* s sighs \
And the ocean* s savage roar

Replies
Replies replies replies, replies, replies.
(After the manner of** Tell me where is fimcy bred.**)

** Very original ! ** said the doctor.

With willow wand
Upon the strand.
She wrote, with trembling heart and hand.



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74 Handy Andy

The brave should ne'er
Desert the fair.''
But the wave the moral washed away.
Ah, well-a-day ! well-a-day I
A-day ! a-day ! a-day !

Reddy smiled and bowed, and thunders of applause
followed ; the doctor shouted " Splendid ! ** several
times, and continued to write and take snufF voraciously,
by which those who knew him could comprehend he was
bent on mischief.

*' What a beautiful thing that is ! " said one.

" Whose is it ? " said another.

"A little thing of my own," answered Reddy, with a
smile.

*' I thought so," said Murphy. " By Jove, James,
you are a genius ! "

^^ Nonsense ! " smiled the poet ; ^^ just a little classic
trifle I think them little classic allusions is pleasing in
general Tommy Moore is very happy in his classic
allusions, you may remark not that I, of course, mean
to institute a comparison between so humble an individual
as myself and Tommy Moore, who has so well been
called ^ the poet of all circles, and the idol of his own ; '
and if you will permit me, in a kindred spirit I hope
I may say the kindred spirit of a song in that kindred
spirit I propose his health the health of Tommy Moore!"

** Don't say Tommy ! " said the doctor, in an irascible
tone; "call the man Tom, sir; with all my heart,
Tom Moore ! "

The table took the word from Jack Growling, and
"Tom Moore," with all the honours of "hip and
hurra ! " rang round the walls of the village inn and
where is the village in Ireland that health has not been
hailed with the fiery enthusiasm of the land whose lays
he hath " wedded to immortal verse," the land which
is proud of his birth, and holds his name in honour ?

There is a magic in a great name ; and in this instance
that of Tom Moore turned the current from where it



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Handy Andy 75

was setting, and instead of quizzing the nonsense of the
fool who had excited their mirth, every one launched
forth in praise of their native bard, and couplets from his
favourite songs rang from lip to lip.

" Come, Ned of the Hill," said Murphy, " sing us
one of bis songs, I know you have them all as pat as
your prayers."

'* And says them oftener," said the doctor, who still
continued scribbling over the letter.

Edward, at the uigent request of many, sang that most
exquisite of the melodies, ^^ And doth not a meeting like
this make amends ? " and long rang the plaudits, and
rapidly circulated the bottle, at its conclusion.

** We '11 be the * Alps in the sunset,' my boys," said
Murphy ; ^^ and here 's the wine to enlighten us ! But
what are you about there, doctor ? is it a prescription
you are writing ? "

^^ No. Prescriptions are written in Latin, and this is
a bit of Greek I 'm doing. Mr. Reddy has inspired me
with a classic spirit, and if you will permit me, I '11
volunteer a song [bravo ! bravo /] , and give you another
version of the subject he has so beautifully treated only
mine is not so heart-breaking."

The doctor's proposition was received with cheers, and
after he had gone through the mockery of clearing his
throat, and pitching his voice after the usual manner of
your would-be fine singers, he gave out, to the tune of a
well-known rollicking Irish lilt, the following burlesque
version of the subject of Reddy's song :

LOVE AND LIQUOR
A Gruk Alligpfj



Oh sure *t would amaze j\%
How one Misther Theseus
Desarted a lovely young lady of owld.
On a dissolute bland.



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76 Handy Andy

All lonely and silent.
She sobbed herself sick as she sat in the cowld.

Ohy you M think she was kilt,

As she roarM with the quilt
Wrapped round her in haste as she jumped out of bed.

And ran down to the coast,

Where she looked like a ghost,
Though *t was ht was departed the vagabone fled

And she cried, * Well-a-day I

Sure my heart it is grey :
They 're deceivers, them sojers, that goes on half-pay.*'



Whibt abusing the villain.

Came riding postilion
A nate little boy on the back of a baste.

Big enough, faith, to ate him.

But he lather* d and bate him.
And the baste to unsate him ne*er struggled the laste.

And an iligant car

He was dhrawing by gar I
It was finer by far than a Lord Mayor* s state coach.

And the chap that was in it

He sang like a linnet.
With a nate kag of whisky beside him to broach.

And he tipped now and then

Just a matter o* ten
Or twelve tumblers o' punch to his bold sarving-men.

Ill

They were dressed in green livery.

But seem*d rather shivery.
For 't was only a trifle o' leaves that they wore }

But they caperM away

Like the sweeps on May-day,
And shouted and tippled the tumblers galore.

A print of their masther

Is often in plasther
O' Paris, put over the door of a tap j

A fine chubby fellow.

Ripe, rosy, and mellow.
Like a peach that is ready to drop in your lap.

Hurrah ! for brave Bacchus,

A bottle to crack us.
He *s a friend of the people, like bowld Caius Gracchus.



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Handy Andy 77

IT

Now Bacchus perceiving

The lady was grieving,
He spoke to her civil, and tippM her a wink \

And the more that she fretted.

He soothered and petted,
And gave her a glass her own health just to dhrink ;

Her pulse it beat quicker.

The thrifle o' liquor
Enlivened her sinking hearths cockles, I think ;

So the MORAL is plain.

That if love gives you pain,
nere V nothing can cure it like taking to dhrink !

Uproarious were the " bravos " which followed the
doctor's impromptu; the glasses overflowed, and were
emptied to his hdth and song, as laughing faces nodded
to him round the table. The doctor sat seriously rock-
ing himself in his chair backwards and forwards, to meet
the various duckings of the beaming faces about him ;
for every face beamed, but one and that was the un-
fortunate M'Garry's. He was most deplorably drunk,
and began to hold on by the table. At last he contrived
to shove back his chair and get on his legs ; and making
a sloping stagger towards the wall, contrived by its sup-
port to scramble his way to the door. There he balanced
himself as well as he could by the handle of the lock,
which chance, rather than design, enabled him to turn,
and the door suddenly opening, poor M'Garry made a
rush across the landing-place, and, stumbling against an
opposite door, would have fallen, had he not supported
himself by the lock of that also, which, again yielding to
his heavy tugs, opened, and the miserable wretch making
another plunge forward, his shins came in contact with
the rail of a very low bed, and into it he fell head fore-
most, totally unable to rise, and, after some heavy grunts,
he sank into a profound sleep.

In this state he was discovered soon after by Murphy,
whose inventive faculty for frolic instantly suggested



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78 Handy Andy

how the apothecary's mishap might be made the founda
tion of a good practical joke. Murtough went down-
stairs, and procuring some blacking and red pickled
cabbage by stealth, returned to the chamber where
M'Garry now lay in a state of stupor, and dragging off
his clothes, he made long dabs across his back with the
purple juice of the pickle and Warren's paste, till poor
M'Garry was as regularly striped as a tiger, from his
shoulder to his flank. He then returned to the dinner-
room, where the drinking bout had assumed a formidable
character, and others, as well as the apothecary, began to
feel the influence of their potations. Murphy confided
to the doctor what he had done, and said that, when
the men were drunk enough, he would contrive that
M'Garry should be discovered, and then they would take
their measures accordingly. It was not very long before
his company were ripe enough for his designs, and then
ringing the bell, he demanded of the waiter, when he
entered, what had become of Mr. M'Garry. The
waiter, not having any knowledge on the subject, was
desired to inquire, and, a search being instituted, M'Garry
was discovered by Mrs. Fay in the state Murphy had
left him in. On seeing him, she was so terrified that
she screamed, and ran into the dinner-room, wringing
her hands, and shouting " Murder." A great commotion
ensued, and a general rush to the bedroom took place,
and exclamations of wonder and horror flew round the
room, not only from the gentlemen of the dinncfr-party,
but from the servants of the house, who crowded to the
chamber on the first alarm, and helped not a little to in-
crease the confusion.

" Oh ! who ever see the like of it ! '^ shouted Mrs.
Fay. " He 's kilt with the batin' he got ! Oh, look at
him black and blue all over ! Oh, the murther it is !
Oh, I would n't be Squire O'Grady for all his fort'n."

^^Gad, I believe he's killed sure enough," said
Murphy.



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Handy Andy 79

^ What a splendid action the widow will have ! "
said Jack Horan.

" You forget, man,** said Murphy, " this is not a case
for action of damages, but a felony hanging matter.**

" Sure enough,** said Jack.

" Doctor, will you feel his pulse ? ** said Murphy.

The doctor did as he was required, and assumed a
very serious countenance. ** *T is a bad business, sir
his wounds are mortifying already.**

Upon this announcement, there was a general retreat
from the bed, round which they had been crowding too
close for the carrying on of the joke ; and Mrs. Fay ran
for a shovel of hot cinders, and poured vinegar over
them, to fumigate the room.

** A very proper precaution, Mrs. Fay,** said the doc-
tor, with impertubable gravity.

^That vUlanous smoke is choking me,*' said Jack
Horan.

^ Better that, sir, than have a pestilence in the
house,*' said Growling.

" I *11 leave the place,** said Jack Horan.

" And I, too,*' said Doyle.

** And I,** said Reddy ; '* *t is disgusting to a sensitive
mind.**

" Gentlemen ! ** said Murphy, shutting the door, *' you
must not quit the house. I must have an inquest on
the body.**

" An inquest ! *' they all exclaimed.

" Yes an inquest.**

*' But there *s no coroner here,** said Reddy.

" No matter for that,** said Murphy. " I, as the
under-sheriff of the county, can preside at this inquiry.
Gentlemen, take your places ; bring in more lights, Mrs.
Fay. Stand round the bed, gentlemen.**

" Not too close," said the doctor. ** Mrs. Fay, bring
more vinegar.**

Mrs. Fay had additional candles and more vinegar



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8o Handy Andy

introduced, and the drunken fellows were standing as
straight as they could, each with a candle in his hand,
round the still prostrate M'Garry.

Murphy then opened on them with a speech, and
called in every one in the house to ask did they know
anything about the matter ; and it was not long before it
was spread all over the town, that Squire O'Grady had
killed M'Garry, and that the coroner's inquest brought
in a verdict of murder, and that the squire was going to
be sent to jail.

This almost incredible humbug of Murphy*s had gone
on for nearly half an hour, when the cold arising from
his want of clothes, and the riot about him, and the
fumes of the vinegar, roused M'Garry, who turned on
the bed and opened his eyes. There he saw a parcel of
people standing round him, with candles in their hands,
and countenances of drunken wonder and horror.

He uttered a hollow groan, and cried

" Save us and keep us ! where am I ? "

'* Retire, gentlemen," said the doctor, waving his
hand authoritatively; "retire all but the under-
sherifF."

Murphy cleared the room, and shut the door, while
M'Garry still kept exclaiming, " Save us and keep us !
where am I ? What 's this ? O Lord ! "

*' You 're dead ! " said Murphy j ** and the coroner's
inquest has just sat on you ! "

" Dead ! " cried M'Garry, with a horrified stare.

" Dead ! " repeated the doctor, solemnly.

" Are you not Doctor Growling ? "

" You see the effect, Mr. Murphy," said the doctor,
not noticing M'Garry's question '' you see the effect
of the process."

" Wonderful ! " said Murphy.

" Preserve us ! " cried the bewildered apothecary.
" How could I know you if I was dead, doctor ? Oh,
doctor dear, sure I 'm not dead ? "



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Handy Andy 8i

" As a herring,*' said the doctor.

** Lord have mercy on me ! Oh, Mr. Murphy, sure
I 'm not dead ? "

" You *re dead, sir,*' said Murphy ; ** the doctor has
only galvanised you for a few moments."

" O Lord ! " groaned M'Garry. " Doctor indeed,
doctor ? "

" You arc in a state of temporary animation," said
the doctor.

" I do feel very odd, indeed," said the terrified man,
putting his hands to his throbbing temples. "How
long am I dead ? "

" A week next Tuesday," said the doctor. " Galvan-
ism has preserved you from decomposition."

M'Garry uttered a heavy groan, and looked up
piteously at his two tormentors. Murphy, fearful the
shock might drive him out of his mind, said, " Perhaps,
doctor, you can preserve his life altogether: you have
kept him alive so long ? "

** I '11 try," said Growling ; hand me that tumbler."

Murphy handed him a tumbler full of water, and the
doctor gave it to M'Garry, and desired him to try and
drink it ; he put it to his lips and swallowed a little drop.

" Can you taste it ? " asked the doctor.

" Is n't it water ? " said M'Garry.

" You see how dull the nerves are yet," said Growling
to Murphy \ " that 's aquafortis and assafcetida, and he
can't taste it ; we must give him another touch of the
battery. Hold him up, while I go into the next room,
and immerse the plates."

The doctor left the bed-room, and came back with a
hot poker and some lemon-juice and water.

"Turn him gently round," said he to Murphy,
"while I conduct the wires."

His order was obeyed \ and giving M'Garry a touch
of the hot poker, the apothecary roared like a bull.

" That did him good ! " said Growling. " Now

VOL. I. 6



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82 Handy Andy

try, can you taste anything ? " and he gave him the
lemon-juice and water.

" I taste a slight acid, doctor dear/' said M'Gariy,
hopefully.

^^ You see what that kist touch did/' said Growling
gravely \ ^^ but the palate is still feeble ; that 's nearly
pure nitric."

^ Oh, dear ! " said M'Garry, ** is it nitric ? "

" You see his hearing is coming back too," said the
doctor to Murphy. " Try, can he put his legs under
him?"

*' They raised the apothecary from the bed ; and when
he staggered and fell forward, he looked horrified. ^^ Oh,
dear ! I can't walk. I 'm afraid I am I am no more ! "

" Don't despair," said the doctor ; *' I pledge my pro-
fessional reputation to save you now, since you can
stand at all, and your senses are partly restored. Let
him lie down again; try, could he sleep "

" Sleep ! " said M'Garry, with horror ; ** perhaps
never to awaken ! "

" I '11 keep up the galvanic influence don't be
afraid-, depend upon me there, lie down. Can you
shut your eyes? Yes, I see you can: don't open them
so fast. Try, can you keep them shut ? Don't open
them till I tell you wait till I count two hundred and
fifty. That 's right turn a little more round keep
your eyes fast ; that 's it. One two three four
five six seven;" and so he went on, making
a longer interval between every number, till the monoto-
nous sound, and the closed eye of the helplessly drunken
man, produced the eflFect desired by the doctor ; and the
heavy snoring of the apothecary soon bore witness that
he slept.

We hope it is not necessary to assure our fair readers
that Edward O'Connor had nothing to do with this
scene of drunken absurdity. No : long before the even-
ing's proceedings had assumed the character of a regular



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Handy Andy 83

drinking bout, he had contrived to make his escape, his
head only sufficiently excited to increase his sentimen-
tality ; so, instead of riding home direct, he took a round
of some eight miles, to have a look at Merry vale, for there
dwelt Fanny Dawson the Darling Fanny Dawson,
sister to Dick, whose devilry was more than redeemed
in the family by the angelic sweetness of his lovely and
sportive sister. For the present, however, poor Edward
O'Connor was not allowed to address Fanny ; but his
love for her knew no abatement notwithstanding; and
to see the place where she dwelt had for him a charm.
There he sat in his saddle, at the gate, looking up the
long line of old trees through which the cool moonlight
was streaming; and he fancied that Fanny's foot had
trodden that avenue perhaps a few hours before, and
even that gave him pleasure : for to those who love with
the fond enthusiasm of Edward O'Connor, the very
vacancy where the loved one has been is sacred.

The horse pawed impatiently to be gone, and Edward
reined him up with a chiding voice; but the animal
continuing restless, Edward's apostrophes to his mistress,
and warnings to his horse, made an odd mixture ; and
we would recommend gentlemen, after their second
bottle, not to let themselves be overheard in their love-
fits ; for even as fine a fellow as Edward O'Connor is
likely to be ridiculous under such circumstances.

*' Oh, Fanny ! " cried Edward, '* my adored Fanny ! "
then to his horse, " Be quiety you bruU ! My love,
my angel; you devil^ Pll thrash youy if you dotft be
quiet ! though separated from me, you are always
present to mind ; your bright eyes, your raven locks
your mouth *s as hard as a paving-stone^ you brute ! Oh,
Fanny ! if fate be ever propitious should I be blessed
with the divine possession of your charms, you should
then know what a devil you are ! you should then
know the tenderest care. I '11 guard you, caress you,
fondle you Pll bury my spurs in you^ you devil !



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84 Handy Andy

Oh, Fanny ! beloved one ! farewell good night a
thousand blessings on you ! and now go and be hanged
to you ! " said he, bitterly, putting his spurs to his horse
and galloping home.



When the doctor was satisfied that M'Garry was fast
asleep, he and Murphy left the room, and locked the
door. They were encountered on the lobby by several
curious people, who wanted to know, "was the man
dead ? '* The doctor shook his head very gravely, and
said " Not quite ; " while Murphy, with a serious nod,
said *' All over, I 'm afraid, Mrs. Fay ; " for he perceived
among the persons on the lobby a servant of O'Grady's,
who chanced to be in the town, and was all wonder and
fright at the news of his master having committed mur-
der. Murphy and the doctor proceeded to the dinner-
room, where they found the drunken men wrangling
about what verdict they should bring in, and a discursive
dispute touching on ** murder,*' and " manslaughter,"
and "accidental death," and "the visitation of God,"
mingled with noisy toasts and flowing cups, until any
sagacity the company ever possessed was sacrificed to
the rosy god.

The lateness of the hour, and the state of the com-
pany, rendered riding home impossible to most of them ;
so Mrs. Fay was called upon to prepare beds. The inn
did not afford a sufficiency of beds to accommodate every
gentleman with a single one, so a toss-up was resorted
to, to decide who should sleep double. The fortune of
war cast the unfortunate James Reddy upon the doctor,
who, though one of the few who were capable of self-
protection, preferred remaining at the inn to riding home
some miles. Now James Reddy, though veiy drunk
indeed, had sense enough left to dislike the lot that fate
had cast him. To sleep with such a slovenly man as
the doctor shocked James, who was a bit of a dandy*



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Handy Andy 85

The doctor seemed perfectly contented with the arrange-
ment ; and as he bade Murphy ^^ good night," a lurking
devilment hung about his huge mouth. All the men
staggered off, or were supported, to their various beds,
but one and he could not stir from the floor, where he
lay bugging the leg of the table. To every effort to
disturb him he replied with an imploring grunt, to ^^ let
him alone," and he hugged the leg of the table closer,
exclaiming, " I won't leave you, Mrs. Fay ! my darl-
ing Mrs. Fay ! rowl your arms round me, Mrs. Fay ! "

"Ah, get up and go to bed, Misther Doyle," said
Tim. " Sure the misthress is not here at all."

" I know she *s not," said Doyle. " Who says a
word against her ? "

** Sure you 're talkin' to her yourself, sir."

" Pooh, pooh, man ! you 're dhrunk."

** Ah, come to bed, Misther Doyle ! " said Tim, in an
imploring tone. " Och sure, my heart 's broken with
you."

" Don't say your heart *s broke, my sweet landlady
my darling Mrs. Fay ! the apple of my eye you are."

" Nonsense, Misther Doyle."

" True as the sun, moon, and stars. Apple of my
eye, did I say ? I 'd give the apples of my eyes to
make sauce for the cockles of your heart. Mrs. Fay,
darling, don't be coy. Ha ! I have you fast ! " and he
gripped the table closer.

" Well, you are dhrunk, Misther Doyle," said Tim.

*' I hope my breath is not offensive from drink, Mrs.
Fay," said Doyle, in an amatory whisper to the leg of
the table.

" Ah, get out o' that, Misther Doyle," said Tim ;
accompanying the exclamation with a good shake, which
somewhat roused the prostrate form.

" Who 's there ? "

** I want you to come to bed, sir ; eh, don't be so
foolish, Misther Doyle. Sure you don't think the mis-



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86 Handy Andy

thress would be rowlin' on the flure there wid you, as
dhrunk as a pig '*

** Dare not wound her fame ! Who says a word of
Mrs. Fay ? "

" Arrah, sure you 're talkin' there about her this half-
hour/'

'^ False villain ! Whisht, my darling," said he to the
leg of the table ; " I 'U never betray you. Hug mc
tight, Mrs. Fay ! "

" Bad luck to the care I '11 take any more about you,"
say Tim. '* Sleep on the flure, if you like." And
Doyle was left to pass the night in the soft imaginary
delights of Mrs. Fay's mahogany embraces.

How fared it with James Reddy ? Alas ! poor James
was doomed to a night of torment, the effects of which
he remembered for many days after. In fact, had James
been left to his choice, he would rather have slept with
the house-dog than with the doctor \ but he dreaded the
consequences of letting old Jack perceive his antipathy ;
and visions of future chastisement from the doctor's
satirical tongue awed him into submission to the present
punishment. He sneaked into bed, therefore, and his
deep potations ensured him immediate sleep, from which
he awoke, however, in the middle of the night in torture,
from the deep scratches inflicted upon him by every
kick of old Growling. At last poor Reddy could stand
it no longer, and the earliest hour of dawn revealed him
to the doctor putting on his clothes, swearing like a
trooper at one moment, and at the next apostrophising
the genius of gentility. ** What it is to have to do with
a person that is not a gentleman ! " he exclaimed, as he
pulled on one leg of his trousers.

** What is the matter with you ? " asked old Jack
from the bed.

'' The matter, sir, is, that I 'm going."

" Is it at this hour ! Tut, man, don't be a fool. Get
into bed again."



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Handy Andy 87

*' Never, sir, with ytni at least. I have seldom slept
two in a bed. Dr. Growling, for my gentlemanly habits
forbid it; but when circumstances have obliged me, it
has been with gentlemen gentlemen^ doctor," and he
laid a stress on the word ^^ gentlemen, sir, who cut
their toe-nails. Sir, I am a serious sufferer by your
coarse habits; you have scratched me, sir, nearly to
death. I am one gore of blood *'

"Tut, man! 'twas not my nails scratched you; it
was only my spurs I put on going to bed, to keep you
at a distance from me ; you were so disgustingly drunk,
my gentleman ! look there ! *' and he poked his leg out
of bed, and there, sure enough, Reddy saw a spur
buckled : and, dumb-foundered at this evidence of the
doctor's atrocity, he snatched up his clothes, and rushed
from the room, as from the den of a bear.

Murphy twisted a beneficial result to M'Garry out of
the night's riotous frolic at his expense; for, in the
morning, taking advantage of the report of the inquest
which he knew must have reached Neck-or-Nothing
Hall, he made a communication to O'Grady, so equiv-
ocally worded that the Squire fell into the trap. The
note ran as follows :

** Sir, You must be aware that your act of yester-
day has raised a strong feeling in the country against
you, and that so flagrant a violation of the laws cannot
fail to be visited with terrible severity upon you : for,
though your position in rank places you far above the
condition of the unfortunate man on whom you wreaked
your vengeance, you know, sir, that in the eye of the
law you are equal, and the shield of justice protects the
peasant as well as the prince. Under these circum-
stances, sir, considering the awful consequences of your
ungoverned rage (which, I doubt not, now, you deplore),
I would suggest to you by a timely offer of compromise,
tn the shape of a handsome sum of money say two



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88 Handy Andy

hundred pounds to lull the storms which must other-
wise burst on your devoted head, and save your name
from dishonour. I anxiously await your answer, as pro-
ceedings must instantly commence, and the law take its
course, unless Mrs. M'Garry can be pacified.
" I have the honour to be. Sir,

" Your most obedient Servant,

"MuRTouGH Murphy.
" To Gustavus Granby O^ Grady ^ Esq.^

Neck^r-Nothing Halir

O'Grady was thoroughly frightened ; and strange as
it may appear, did believe he could compromise for kill-
ing only a plebeian ; and actually sent Murphy his note
of hand for the sum demanded. Murt'ough posted off
to M'Garry : he and his wife received him with shouts
of indignation, and heaped reproaches on his head, for
the trick he had played on the apothecary.

" Oh ! Misther Murphy never look me in the face
again ! " said Mrs. M'Garry, who was ugly enough to
make the request quite unnecessary ; " to send my hus-
band home to me a beast ! "

" Striped like a tiger ! " said M'Garry.

" Blacking and pickled cabbage, Misther Murphy ! "
said the wife. "Oh fie, sir! I did not think you
could be so low."

" Galvanism ! " said M'Garry, furiously. " My pro-
fessional honour wounded ! "

*' Whisht, whisht, man!" said Murphy; "there's a
finer plaister than any in your shop for the cure of
wounded honour. Look at that ! " ^ and he handed
him the note for two hundred : " there 's galvanism for
you ! "

" What u this ? " said M'Garry, in amazement.

"The result of last night's inquest," said Murphy.
" You have got your damages without a trial ; so pocket
your money, and be thankful."



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Handy Andy 89

The two hundred pounds at once changed the aspect
of affairs. M'Garry vowed eternal gratitude, with pro-
testations that Murphy was the cleverest attorney alive,
and ought to be chief justice. The wife was equally
vociferous in her acknowledgments, until Murtough,
who, when he entered the house, was near falling a sac-
rifice to the claws of the apothecary's wife, was obliged
to rush from the premises to shun the more terrible con-
sequences of her embraces.



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CHAPTER VI

WE have sat so long at our dinner, that we have
almost lost sight of poor Andy, to whom we
must now return. When he ran to his mother's cabin,
to escape from the fangs of Dick Dawson, there was no
one within : his mother being digging a few potatoes for
supper from the little ridge behind her house, and Oonah
Riley, her niece an orphan girl who lived with her
being up to Squire Egan's to sell some eggs ; for round
the poorest cabins in Ireland you scarcely ever fail to
see some ragged hens, whose eggs are never consumed
by their proprietors, except, perhaps, on Easter Sunday,
but sold to the neighbouring gentry at a trifling price.

Andy cared not who was out, or who was in, pro-
vided he could only escape from Dick ; so without ask-
ing any questions, he crawled under the wretched bed in
the dark corner, where his mother and Oonah slept, and
where the latter, through the blessed influence of health,
youth, and an innocent heart, had brighter dreams than
attended many a couch whose downy pillows and silken
hangings would more than purchase the fee-simple of
any cabin in Ireland. There Andy, in a state of utter
exhaustion from his fears, his race, and his thrashing,
soon fell asleep, and the terrors of Dick the Devil gave
place to the blessing of the profoundest slumber.

Quite unconscious of the presence of her darling
Andy was the widow Rooney, as she returned from the
potato ridge into her cabin ; depositing a skeough of the
newly dug esculent at the door, and replacing the spade



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Handy Andy 91

in its own comer of the cabin. At the same moment
Oonah returned, after disposing of her eggs, and handed
the three pence she had received for them to her aunt,
who dropped them into the deep pocket of blue striped
tick which hung at her side.

" Take the pail, Oonah, ma chree^ and run to the well
for some wather to wash the pratees, while I get the pot
ready for bilin' them ; it wants scourin', for the pig was
atin' his dinner out iv it, the cra3rthur ! "

Off went Oonah with her pail, which she soon filled
from the clear spring; and placing the vessel on her
head, walked back to the cabin with that beautiful erect
form, free step, and graceful swaying of the figure, so
peculiar to the women of Ireland and the East, from
their habit of carrying weights upon the head. The
potatoes were soon washed ; and as they got their last
dash of water in the skeough^ whose open wicker-work
let the moisture drain from them, up came Larry Hogan,
who, being what is called a "civil-spoken man,"
addressed Mrs. Rooney in the following agreeable
manner :

" Them *s purty pratees, Mrs. Rooney ; God save
you, ma'am ! "

"'Deed an' they are thank you kindly, Mr.
Hogan ; God save you and yours too ! And how
would the woman that owns you be ? "

Hearty, thank you."

Will you step in ? "

" No, I 'm obleeged to you I must be aff home
wid me ; but I '11 just get a coal for my pipe, for it wint
out on me awhile agone with the fright."

" Well, I 've heer'd quare things, Larry Hogan," said
Oonah, laughing and showing her white teeth ; " but I
never heer'd so quare a thing as a pipe goin' out with
the fright."

"Oh, how sharp you are! takin' one up afore
they 're down."



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92 Handy Andy

" Not afore they 're down, Larry ; for you said it."

" Well, if I was down, you were down on me ; so you
are down too, you see. Ha, ha ! And afther all now,
Oonah, a pipe is like a Christian in many ways : sure
it 's made o' clay like a Christian, and has the spark o'
life in it, and while the breath is in it the spark is alive ;
but when the breath is out of it the spark dies, and then
it grows cowld like a Christian \ and is n't it a pleasant
companion like a Christian ? "

^^ Faix, some Christians is n't pleasant companions at
all ! " chimed in Mrs. Rooney, sententiously.

" Well, but they ought to be," said Larry ; " and is n't
a pipe sometimes cracked like a Christian, and is n't it
sometimes choked liked a Christian ? "

" Oh, choke you and your pipe together, Larry ! will
you never have done ? " said the widow.

" The most improvinist thing in the world is smokin',"
said Larry, who had now relit his pipe, and squatted him-
self on a three-legged stool beside the widow's fire,
"The most improvinbt in the world" (paugh!)
and a parenthetical whiff of tobacco-smoke curled out of
the comer of Larry's mouth "is smokin' : for the
smoke shows you, as it were, the life o* man passin'
away like a puff (paugh!) just like that; and the
tibakky turns to ashes like his poor perishable body ;
for, as the song says

" Tibakky is an Indian weed,
Alive at inorn and dead at eve \
It lives but an hour,
Is cut down like a flower,
Think o' this when you're smoking tiba-akky !* *'

And Larry sung the ditty as he crammed some of the
weed into the bowl of his pipe with his little finger.

" Why, you 're as good as a sarmint this evenin',
Larry," said the widow, as she lifted the iron pot on the
fire.



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Handy Andy 93

** There *s worse sarmints nor that, I can tell you,"
rejoined Larry, who took up the old song again

" * A pipe it lams us all this thing
, *T is fair without and foul within.

Just like a sowl begrim*d with sin.
Think o* this when you *re smoking tiba-akky I * **

Larry puffed away silently for a few minutes, and
when Oonah had placed a few sods of turf round the
pot in an upright position, that the flame might curl
upward round them, and so hasten the boiling, she drew
a stool near the fire, and asked Larry to explain about
the fright.

" Why I was coming up by the cross-road there,
when what should I see but a ghost "

'' A ghost ! ! ! '* exclaimed the widow and Oonah,
with suppressed voices and distended mouth and eyes.

" To all appearance," said Larry j " but it was only
a thing was stuck in the hedge to freken whoever was
passin' by \ and as I kem up to it there was a groan, so I
started, and looked at it for a minit, or thereaway ;
but I seen what it was, and threwn a stone at it, for fear
I 'd be mistaken : and I heer'd tittherin' inside the hedge,
and then I knew 't was only devilment of some one."

*' And what was it ? " asked Oonah.

" 'T was a horse's head, in throth, with an owld hat
on the top of it, and two buck-briars stuck out at each
side, and some rags hanging on them, and an owld
breeches shakin' undher the head ; 't was just altogether
like a long pale-faced man, with high shouldhers and no
body, and very long arms and short legs : faith, it
frightened me at first."

"And no wondher," said Oonah. "Dear, but I
think I 'd lose my life if I seen the like ? "

" But sure," said the widow, " would n't you know
that ghosts never appears by day ? "

" Ay, but I had n't time to think o' that, bein' taken



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94 Handy Andy

short wid the fright more betoken, 'twas the place
the murdher happened in long ago."

'' Sure enough," said the widow. " God betune us
and harm ! " and she marked herself with the sign of the
cross as she spoke \ ^^ and a terrible murdher it was,"
added she.

" How was it ? " inquired Oonah, drawing her seat
closer to her aunt and Larry.

" 'T was a schoolmaster, dear, that was found dead
on the road one mornin', with his head full of frac-
tions," said the widow.

" All in jommethry," ^ said Lany.]

^^And some said he fell oiF the horse," said the
widow.

*' And more say the horse fell on him," said Larry.

^^And again, there was some said the horse kicked
him in the head," said the widow.

^^ And there was talk of shoe-aside," said Larry.

*' The horse's shoe was it ? " asked Oonah.

'' No, alanna^* said Larry 5 " shoe-aside is Latin for
cutting your throat."

" But he did n't cut his throat," said the widow.

^^ But sure it 's all one whether he done it wid a
razhir on his throat, or a hammer on his head ; it 's
shoe-aside all the same."

^^ But there was no hanmier found, was there ? " said
the widow.

" No," said Larry, *' but some people thought he
might have hid the hammer afther he done it, to take
ofF the disgrace of the shoe-aside."

" But was n't there any life in him when he was
found ? "

" Not a taste. The crowner's jury sot on him, and
he never said a word agin it, and if he was alive he
would."

^ Anything very badly broken is said by the Irish peasantry to
be in jommethry."



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Handy Andy 95

^ And did n't thejr find anything at all ? " said Oonah

" Nothing but the vardict," said Larry.

^ And was that what killed him ? " said Oonah.

" No, my dear ; 't was the crack in the head that
killed him, however he kern by it; but the vardict o' the
crowner was, that it was done, and that some one did it,
and that they wor blackguards, whoever they wor, and
persons onknown ; and sure if they wor onknown then,
they 'd always stay so, for who M know them afther
doing the like ? "

" Thnie for you, Larry," said the widow ; '' but what
was that to the murdher over at the green hills beyant ? "

" Oh ! that was the terriblest murdher ever was in
the place, or nigh it : that was the murdher in earnest ! "

With that eagerness which always attends the relation
of horrible stories, Larry and the old woman raked up
every murder and robbery that had occurred within their
recollection, while Oonah listened with mixed curiosity
and fear. The boiling over of the pot at length recalled
them to a sense of the business that ought to be attended
to at the moment, and Larry was invited to take share
of the potatoes. This he declined \ declaring, as he had
done some time previously, that he must *' be off home,"
and to the door be went accordingly ; but as the evening
had closed into the darkness of the night, he paused on
opening it with a sensation he would not have liked to
own. The fact was that, after the discussion of num-
erous nightly murders, he would rather have had daylight
on the outside of the cabin ; for the horrid stories that
had been revived round the blazing hearth were not the
best preparation for going a lonely road on a dark night.
But go he should, and go he did ; and it is not improb-
able that the widow, from sympathy, had a notion why
Lany paused upon the threshold ; for the moment he had
crossed it, and that they had exchanged their "Good
night, and God speed you," the door was rapidly closed
and bolted. The widow returned to the fireside and was



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96 Handy Andy

silent, while Oonah looked by the light of a candle into
the boiling pot, to ascertain if the potatoes were yet done,
and cast a fearfiil glance up the wide chimney as she
withdrew from the inspection.

^^ I wish Larry did not tell us such horrid stories,"
said she, as she laid the rushlight on the table ; " I '11 be
dhramin' all night o' them."

** 'Deed an' that 's thrue," said the widow ; " I wish
he had n't."

" Sure you was as bad yourself," said Oonah.

" Troth, an' I b'lieve I was, child, and I 'm sorry for
it now : but let us ate our supper, and go to bed, in
God's name."

" I 'm afeared o' my life to go to bed ! " said Oonah.
" Wisha ! but I 'd give the world it was mornin'."

" Ate your supper, child, ate your supper," said her
aunt, giving the example, which was followed by
Oonah ; and after the light meal, their prayers were said,
and perchance with a little extra devotion, from their
peculiar state of mind ; then to bed they went. The
rushlight being extinguished, the only light remaining
was that shed from the red embers of the decaying fire,
which cast so uncertain a glimmer within the cabin,
that its effect was almost worse than utter darkness to a
timid person ; for any object within its range assumed
a form unlike its own, and presented some fantastic
image to the eye ; and as Oonah, contrary to her usual
habit, could not fall asleep the moment she went to bed,
she could not resist peering forth from under the bed-
clothes through the uncertain gloom, in a painful state
of watchfulness, which became gradually relaxed into an
uneasy sleep.

The night was about half spent when Andy began to
awake; and as he stretched his arms, and rolled his
whole body round, he struck the bottom of the bed
above him in the action and woke his mother. ^ Dear
me," thought the widow, ''I can't sleep at all to-



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Handy Andy 97

night." Andy gave another turn soon after, which
roused Oonah. She started, and shaking her aunt,
asked her, in a low voice, if it was she who kicked her,
though she scarcely hoped an answer in the affirmative,
and yet dared not believe what her fears whispered.

** No, a cmhla^^ whispered the aunt.

^^ Did ym feel anything ? " asked Oonah, trembling
violently.

^ What do you mane, alanna ? " said the aunt.

Andy gave another roll. " There it is again ! "
gasped Oonah; and in a whisper, scarcely above her
breath, she added, ** Aunt there 's some one under
the bed ! "

The aunt did not answer ; but the two women drew
closer together and held each other in their arms, as if
their proximity afforded protection. Thus they lay in
breathless fear for some minutes, while Andy began to be
influenced by a vision, in which the duel, and the chase,
and the thrashing were all enacted over again, and soon
an odd word began to escape from the dream. ^^ Gi'
me the pist'l, Dick the pist'l ! "

" There are two of them ! " whispered Oonah. " God
be merciful to us ! Do you hear him asking for the
pistol ? "

" Screech ! *' said her aunt.

I can't," said Oonah.

Andy was quiet for some time, while the women
scarcely breathed.

^ Suppose we get up, and make for the door ? " said
the aunt.

" I would n't put my foot out of the bed for the
world," said Oonah. " I 'm afeard one o' them will
catch me by the leg."

" Howld him ! howld him ! " grumbled Andy.

" I '11 die with the fright, aunt ! I feel I 'm dyin* !
Let us say our prayers, aunt, for we 're goin' to be
murdhered ! " The two women began to repeat with
VOL. I. 7



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98 Handy Andy

fervour their aves and paternosters^ while at this iinme*
diate juncture, Andy's dream having borne him to the
dirty ditch where Dick Dawson had pommelled him, he
began to vociferate, " Murder, murder ! " so fiercely,
that the women screamed together in an agony of terror,
and ^^ Murder ! murder ! " was shouted by the whole
party; for, once the widow and Oonah found their
voices, th^ made good use of them. The noise awoke
Andy, who had, be it remembered, a tolerably long sleep
by this time : and he having quite forgotten where he
had lain down, and finding himself confined by the bed
above him, and smothering for want of air, with the
fierce shouts of murder ringing in his ear, woke in as
great a fright as the women in the bed, and became a
party in the terror he himself had produced; every
plunge he gave under the bed inflicted a poke or a kick
on his mother and cousin, which was answered by the
cry of Murder ! "

" Let me out let me out, Misther Dick ! " roared
Andy. " Where am I at all ? Let me out ! "

" Help ! help ! murdher ! " roared the women.

"I'll never shoot any one again, Misther Dick
let me up ! "

Andy scrambled from under the bed, half awake, and
whole frightened by the darkness and the noise, which
was now increased by the barking of the cur-dog.

" Hie at him. Coaly ! " roared Mrs. Rooney ; " howld
him ! howld him ! "

Now as this address was often made to the cur re-
specting the pig, when Mrs. Rooney sometimes wanted
a quiet moment in the day, and the pig did n't like quit-
ting the premises, the dog ran to the comer of the cabin
where the pig habitually lodged, and laid hold of his ear
with the strongest testimonials of aflFection, which polite
attention the pig acknowledged by a prolonged squeal-
ing, that drowned the voices of the women and Andy
together ; and now the cocks and hens that were roost-



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Handy Andy 99

ing on the rafters of the cabin were startled by the din,
and the crowing and caclding and the flapping of the
frightened fowls, as they flew about in the dark, added
to the general uproar and confusion.

** A h ! " screamed Oonah, " take your hands oflF
me ! " as Andy, getting from under the bed, laid his
hand upon it to assist him, and caught a grip of his
cousin.

** Who are you at all ? " cried Andy, making another
claw, and catching hold of his mother's nose.

** Oonah, they're murdhering me!" shouted the
widow.

The name of Oonah, and the voice of his mother,
recalled his senses to Andy, who shouted, "Mother,
mother ! what 's the matter ? " A frightened hen flew
in his fiice, and nearly knocked Andy down. ^^ Bad cess
to you," cried Andy, ** what do you hit me for ? "

" Who are you at all ? " cried the widow.

" Don't you know me ? " said Andy.

" No, I don't know you ; by the vartue o' my oath, I
don't ; and I '11 never swear again you, jintlemen, if you
lave the place and spare our lives ! "

Here the hens flew against the dresser, and smash
went the plates and dishes.

" Oh, jintlemen dear, don't rack and ruin me that
way: don't destroy a lone woman."

" Mother, mother, what 's this at all ? Don't you
know your own Andy ? "

" Is it you that 's there ? " cried the widow, catching
hold of him.

" To be sure it *8 me," said Andy.

" You won't let us be murdhered, will you ? "

"Who'dmurdheryou?"

" Them people that 's with you." Smash went
another plate. '* Do you hear that ? they 're rackin'
my place, the villains ! "

" Divil a one 's wid me at all ! " said Andy.



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icx Handy Andy



" I '11 take my oath there was three or four under the
bed," said Oonah.

" Not one but myself," said Andy.

" Are you sure ? " said bis mother.

" Cock sure ! " said Andy, and a loud crowing gave
evidence in favour of his assertion.

" The fowls is going mad," said the widow.

" And the pig 's distracted," said Oonah.

" No wonder ! the dog 's murdherin' him," said Andy.

" Get up, and light the rushlight, Oonah," said the
widow : " you '11 get a spark out o' the turf cendhers."

" Some o' them will catch me, maybe," said Oonah.

" Get up, I tell you ! " said the widow.

Oonah now arose, and groped her way to the fire-
place, where, by dint of blowing upon the embers and
poking the rushlight among the turf ashes, a light was at
length obtained. She then returned to the bed, and
threw her petticoat over her shoulders.

"What's this at all?" said the widow, rising, and
wrapping a blanket round her.

" Bad cess to the know I know ! " said Andy.

" Look under the bed, Oonah," said the aunt.

Oonah obeyed, and screamed, and ran behind Andy.
" There 's another here yet ! " said she.

Andy seized the poker, and, standing on the defen-
sive, desired the villain to come out : the demand was
not complied with.

" There 's nobody there," said Andy.

" I '11 take my oath there is," said Oonah ; " a dirty
blackguard, without any clothes on him."

" Come out, you robber ! " said Andy, making a
lunge under the truckle.

A grunt ensued, and out rushed the pig, who had
escaped from the dog the dog having discovered a
greater attraction in some fat that was knocked from the
dresser, which the widow intended for the dipping of
rushes in^ but the dog being enlightened to his own



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Handy Andy loi

interest without rushlights, and preferring mutton fat to
pig's ear, had suffered the grunter to go at large, while
he was captivated by the fat. The clink of a three-
legged stool the widow seized to the rescue was a
stronger argument against the dog than he was prepared
to answer, and a remnant of fat was preserved from the
rapacious Coaly.

" Where 's the rest o* the robbers ? " said Oonah ;
** there's three o' them, I know."

"You're dhramin'," said Andy. "Divil a robber
is here but myself."

" And what brought you here ? " said his mother.

" I was afeard they 'd murdher me ! " said Andy.

" Murdher ! " exclaimed the widow and Oonah
together, still sUrtled by the very sound of the word.
** Who do you mane ? "

" Misther Dick," said Andy.

" Aunt, I tell you," said Oonah, " this is some more
of Andy's blundhers. Sure Misther Dawson wouldn't
be goin' to murdher any one ; let us look round the
cabin, and find out who's in it, for I won't be aisy ontil
I look into every comer, to see there 's no robbers in the
place: for I tell you again, there was three o* them
undher the bed."

The s^ch was made, and the widow and Oonah at
length satisfied that there were no midnight assassins there
with long knives to cut their throats; and then they
began to thank God that their lives were safe.

" But, oh ! look at my chaynee ! " said the widow,
clasping her hands, and casting a look of despair at the
shattered delf that lay around her; "look at my
chaynee ! '*

"And what was it brought you here?" said Qonah,
facing round on Andy, with a dangerous look, rather, in
her bright eye. " Will you tell us that what was it ? "

" I came to save my life, I tell you," said Andy.

^ To put us in dhread of ours, you mane," said



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I02 Handy Andy

Oonah. ^^ Just look at the omadhaun there," said she to
her aunt, ^^ standin' with his mouth open, just as if
nothin' happened, and he after frightening the lives out
of us."

" Thrue for you, alanna^^ said her aunt.

^^ And would no place sarve you, indeed, but undher
our bed, you vagabone ? " said his mother, roused to a
sense of his delinquency j " to come in like a merodin*
villain as you are, and hide under the bed, and frighten
the lives out of us, and rack and ruin my place ! "

" 'T was Misther Dick, I tell you," said Andy.

" Bad scran to you, you unlucky hangin* bone thief ! "
cried the widow, seizing him by the hair, and giving
him a hearty cuff on the ear, which would have knocked
him down, only that Oonah kept him up by an equally
well-applied box on the other.

"Would you murdher me?" shouted Andy, as he
saw his mother lay hold of the broom.

" Are n't you afther frightenin' the lives out of us,
you dirty, good-for-nothing, mischief-making-"

On poured the torrent of abuse, rendered more im-
pressive by a whack at every word. Andy roared, and
the more he roared, the more did Oonah and his
mother thrash him.



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^



n i iy



;ftv^ tr-.htvi'.ii'/ th*.- liws out



the
tnoii.



^' \*' -ajd hrr au.n.
'.-it.- -aj s c yci-, indcfd, but irr'ner.
M c ' ** said hjs nu)ii;tr, rou5t.'0 to a
f i^v ; ** to c()mc in like a mci.Hl:a*
: .1 li wc iii'dtr the lit'd, arcl tVi-.i-h.t.n
.'.'1 rack: aitd niin iny jiacc ! "
' -: 'Juk, I cfl) 3'ju," *^aid A;u!v.
- :* i, you ufjliK Ivv har"ii/i:i' bone thief'*'
A.! ;^ seiz'np; him by the hair, and ^'-i'M);
:\ i\i*\ oil the oai, which woiild hi^ve ki.or ki i
Diilv that (oijah kept ni'n -jp by a-i -tiual!v
li bo on dif other,
' \ou rr.Li.'her nie ? *' sho\iied Andv, a. be

s " ^ ,\ hw!d of the broom.
' .:".. er fri;.hrenin' thf* hvts out of us,

. ii')thin^, n-.i.^'. hicf-ir.akii.^' '*

. . - r^urent A abue, reiuif'i*"d nu*re iin-
- '. - *, " /v K at every worrt. Andy roaret^ ard
'v^'f f.e nM:'d, the more did Ounah ar.d h"s
r r!' \in liiin.



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--i#--r^



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yyifu/'iv/f //'f'/('4*j//t- '. /vv,



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CHAPTER VII

Love rules the camp, the court, the grove.
And men below and saints above :
For Love is Heaven, and Heaven b Love **

SO sang Scott. Quite agreeing with the antithesis of
the last line, perhaps in the second, where he talks
of men and saints, another view of the subject, or turn
of the phrase, might have introduced sinners quite as
success^Uy. This is said without the smallest intention
of using the word sinners in a questionable ! manner.
Love, in its purest shape, may lead to sinning on the
part of persons least interested in the question ; for is it
not a sin when the folly, or caprice, or selfishness of a
third party or fourth makes a trio or quartette of that
which nature undoubtedly intended for a duet, and so
spoils it ?

Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts
ay, and even cousins sometimes put in their oar to
disturb that stream which is troubled enough without
their interference, and, as the Bard of Avon says,

Never did run smooth.**

And so it was in the case of Fanny Dawson and Ed-
ward O'Connor. A piece of innocent fun on the part
of her brother, and blind pertinacity indeed, down-
right absurdity on her father's side, interrupted the
intercourse of affection, which had subsisted silently for
many a long day between the lovers, but was acknowl-
edged, at last, with delight to the two whom it most



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I04 Handy Andy



concerned, and satisfaction to all who knew or held
them dear. Yet the harmony of this sweet concordance
of spirits was marred by youthful frolic and doting ab-
surdity. This welding together of hearts in the purest
fire of nature's own contriving was broken at a blow by
a weak old man. Is it too much to call this a sin?
Less mischievous things are branded with the name in
the common-place parlance of the world. The cold
and phlegmatic may not understand this ; but they who
can love know how bitterly every after-hour of life may
be poisoned with the taint which hapless love has infused
into the current of future years, and can believe how
many a heart equal to the highest enterprise has been
palsied by the touch of despair. Sweet and holy is the
duty of child to parent ; but sacred also is the obligation
of those who govern in so hallowed a position. Their
rule should be guided by justice ; they should pray for
judgment in their mastery.

Fanny Dawson's father was an odd sort of person.
His ancestors were settlers in Ireland of the time of
William the Third, and having won their lands by the
sword, it is quite natural the love of arms should have
been hereditary in the family. Mr. Dawson, therefore,
had served many years as a soldier, and was a bit of a
martinet, not only in military but all other affairs. His
mind was of so tenacious a character, that an impression
once received there became indelible ; and if the Major
once made up his mind, or indulged the belief, that such
and such things were so and so, the waters of truth
could never wash out the mistake stubbornness had
written them there with her own indelible marking-ink.

Now, one of the old gentleman's weak points was a
museum of the most heterogeneous nature, consisting
of odds and ends from all parts of the world, and apper-
taining to all subjects. Nothing was too high or too
low: a bronze helmet from the plains of Marathon,
which, to the classic eye of an artist, conveyed the idea



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Handy Andy 105

of a Minerva's head beneath it, would not have been
more prized by the Major than a cavahy cap with
some bullet-mark of which be could tell an anecdote. A
certain skin of a tiger he prized much, because the ani-
mal had dined on his dearest friend in one of the jungles
of Bengal ; also a pistol which he vouched for as being
the one with which Hatfield fired at George the Third ;
the hammer with which Crawley (of Hessian-boot mem-
ory) murdered his landlady ; the string which was on
Viotti's violin when he played before Queen Charlotte ;
the horn which was supposed to be in the lantern of Guy
Fawkes ; a small piece of the coat worn by the Prince
of Orange on his landing in England ; and other such
relics. But for above these, the Major prized the skel-
eton of a horse's head, which occupied the principal
place in his museum. This he declared to be part of
the identical horse which bore Duke Schombei^ when
he crossed the Boyne, in the celebrated battle so called ;
and with whimsical ingenuity, he had contrived to string
some wires upon the bony fabric, which yielded a sort
of hurdy-gurdy vibration to the strings when touched :
and the Majoi^s most favourite feat was to play the tune
of the Boyne Water on the head of Duke Schomberg's
horse. In short, his collection was composed of trifles
from north, south, east, and west: some leaf from
the prodigal verdure of India, or goi]geous shell from
the Pacific, or paw of bear, or tooth of walrus; but
beyond all teeth, one preeminently was valued it was
one of his own, which he had lost the use of by a wound
in the jaw, received in action -, and no one ever entered
his house and escaped without hearing all about it, from
the first shot fired in the affair by the skirmishers, to the
last charge of the victorious cavalry. The tooth was
always produced along with the story, together with the
declaration, that every dentist who ever saw it protested
it was the largest human tooth ever seen. Now some
little sparring was not unfrequent between old Mr,



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io6 Handy Andy

Dawson and Edward, on the subject of their respective
museums : the old gentleman ^^ pooh-poohing " Edward's
^^ rotten rusty rubbish," as he called it, and Edward de-
fending, as gently as he could, his patriotic partiality for
natural antiquities. This little war never led to any evil
results; for Edward not only loved Fanny too well,
but respected age too much to lean hard on the old
gentleman's weakness, or seek to reduce his fancied
superiority as a collector \ but the tooth, the ill-omened
tooth, at last gnawed asunder the bond of friendship and
affection which had subsisted between the two families
for so many years.

The Major had paraded his tooth so often, that Dick
Dawson began to tire of it, and for the purpose of mak-
ing it a source of amusement to himself, he stole his
father's keys, one day, and opening the cabinet in which
his tooth was enshrined, he abstracted the grinder which
nature had bestowed on the Major, and substituted in
its stead a horse's tooth of no contemptible dimensions.
A party some days after dined with the old gentleman,
tnd after dinner the story of the skirmish turned up, as
% matter of course, and the enormous size of the tooth
wound up the tedious tale.

** Had n't you better show it to them, sir ? " said
Dick, from the foot of the table.

^ Indeed, then, I will," said the Major, '* for it really
is a curiosity."

" Let me go for it, sir," said Dick, well knowing he
would be refused.

" No, no," answered his father, rising ; ** I never let
any one go to my pet cabinet but myself; " and so say-
ing he left the room, and proceeded to his museum. It
has been already said, that the Major's mind was of that
character, which once being satisfied of anything could
never be convinced of the contrary ; and having for
years been in the habit of drawing his own tooth out of
his own cabinet, the increased size of the one which he



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Handy Andy 107

now extracted from it never struck him ; so he returned
to the dining-room, and presented with great exultation
to the company the tooth Dick had substituted. It may
be imagined how the people stared, when an old gentle-
man, and moreover a major, declared upon his honour,
that a great horse's tooth was his own ; but having done
so, politeness forbade they should contradict him, more
particularly at the head of his own table, so they
smothered their smiles as well as they could, and de-
clared it was the most wonderful tooth they ever beheld :
and instead of attempting to question the fact, they
launched forth in expressions of admiration and surprise,
and the fable, instead of being questioned, was received
with welcome,'and made food for mirth. The difficulty
was not to laugh ; and in the midst of twisted mouths,
affected sneezing, and applications of pocket-handker-
chiefs to rebellious cachinnations, Dick, the maker of
the joke, sat unmoved, sipping his claret with a serenity
which might have roused the envy of a Red Indian.

^ I think that 's something like a tooth ! " said Dick.

** Prodigious wonderful tremendous ! " ran round
the board.

^ Give it to me again," said one.

^ Let me look at it once more,'' said another.

^ Colossal ! " exclaimed a third.

^^ Gigantic!" shouted all, as the tooth made the
circuit of the table.

The Major was delighted, and never remembered his
tooth to have created such a sensation ; and when at last
it was returned to him, he turned it about in his own
hand, and cast many fond glances at the monstrosity,
before it was finally deposited in his waistcoat pocket.
This was the most ridiculous part of the exhibition : to
see a gentleman, with the use of his eyes, Ipoking affec-
tionately at a thumping horse's tooth, and believing it
to be his own. Yet this was a key to the Major's whole
character. A received opinion was with him unchanged



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io8 Handy Andy

able, no alteration of circumstances could shake it : //
was his tooth. A belief or a doubt was equally sacred
with him; and though his senses in the present case
should have shown him it was a horse's tooth no, it
was a piece of himself his own dear tooth.

After this party, the success which crowned his anec-
dote and its attendant relic made him fonder of showing
it ofF) and many a day did Dick the Devil enjoy the
astonishment of visitors as his father exhibited the enor-
mous tooth as his own. Fonder and fonder grew the
Major of his tooth and his story, until the unlucky day
Edward O'Connor happened to be in the museum with
a party of ladies, to whom the old gentleman was showing
off his treasures with great effect and some pains ; for the
Major, like most old soldiers, was very attentive to the
fair sex. At last the pet cabinet was opened, and out
came the tooth. One universal exclamation of surprise
arose on its appearance : ^ What a wonderful man the
Major was to have such a tooth ! " Just then, by an
unlucky chance, Edward, who had not seen the Major
produce the wonder from his cabinet, perceived the relic
in the hand of one of the ladies at the extremity of the
group, and, fancying it had dropped from the horse's
head, he said

'* I suppose that is one of the teeth out of old Schom-
beig's skull."

The Major thought this an impertinent allusion to his
political bias, and said, very sharply, ^What do you
mean by old Schomberg ? "

'* The horse's head, sir," replied Edward, pointing to
the musical relic.

" It was of my tooth you spoke, sir, when you said ^ old
Schomberg,* " returned the Major, still more offended at
what he considered Edward's evasion.

" I assure you," said Edward, with the strongest evi-
dence of a desire to be reconciled in his voice and
manner "I assure you, sir, it was of this tooth I



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Handy Andy 109

spoke ; " and he held up the tooth the Major had
produced as his own.

"I know it was, sir," said the Major, "and therefore
I did n't relish your allusions to my tooth."

" Your tooth, sir ? " exclaimed Edward, in surprise.

" Yes, sir, mine ! "

*' My dear sir," said Edward, " there is some mistake
here; this is a horse's tooth."

'' Give it to me, sir ! " said the Major, snatching it
from Edward. " You may think this very witty, Mr.
O'Connor, but / don't ; if my tooth is of superhuman
size, I 'm not to be called a horse for it, sir ; nor
Schomberg, sir ! horse ahem ! better than ass,
however."

While this brief but angry outbreak took place, the
bystanders, of course, felt excessively uncomfortable;
and poor Edward knew not what to do. The Major he
knew to be of too violent a temper to attempt explana-
tion for the present : so bowing to the ladies, he left the
room, with that flushed look of silent vexation to which
courteous youth is sometimes obliged to submit at the
hands of intemperate age.

Neither Fanny nor Dick was at home when this
occurred, so Edward quitted the house, and was forbidden
to enter it afterwards. The Major suddenly entertained
a violent dislike to Edward O'Connor, and hat'ed even to
hear his name mentioned. It was in vain that explana-
tion was attempted ; his self-love had received a violent
shock, of which Edward had been the innocent means.
In vain did Dick endeavour to make himself the peace-
oflFering to his father's wounded consequence ; in vain
was it manifest that Fanny was grieved : the old Major
persisted in declaring that Edward O'Connor was a self-
sufficient jackanapes, and forbade most peremptorily that
further intercourse should take place between him and his
daughter ; and she had too high a sense of duty, and he
of honour, to seek to violate the command. But though



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no Handy Andy

they never met, they loved not the less fondly and truly ;
and Dick, grieved that a frolic of his should have inter-
rupted the happiness of a sister he loved and a friend he
valued, kept up a sort of communion between them by
talking to Edward about Fanny, and to Fanny about
Edward, whose last song was sure, through the good
offices of the brother, to find its way into the sister's
album, already stored with many a tribute from her
lover's muse.

Fanny was a sweet creature one of those choice
and piquant bits of Nature's creation which she some-
times vouchsafes to treat the world with, just to show
what she can do. Her person I shall not attempt to
describe; for however one may endeavour to make
words play the part of colour, lineament, voice, and
expression and however successfully still a verbal
description can never convey a true notion of personal
charms; and personal charms Fanny had, decidedly;
not that she was strictly beautiful, but, at times, never-
theless, eclipsing beauty far more regular, and throwing
symmetry into the shade, by some charm which even
they whom it fascinated could not define.

Her mind was as clear and pure as a mountain
stream ; and if at times it chafed and was troubled from
the course in which it ran, the temporary turbulence
only made its limpid depth and quietness more beautiful.
Her heart was the very temple of generosity, the throne
of honour, and the seat of tenderness. The gentlest
sympathies dwelt in her soul, and answered to the slight-
est call of another's grief; while mirth was dancing in
her eye, a word that implied the sorrow of another
would bring a tear there. She was the sweetest creature
in the world !

The old Major, used to roving habits from his pro-
fession, would often go on a ramble somewhere for
weeks together, at which times Fanny went to Merry-
vale to her sister. Mistress Egan, who was also a fine-



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Handy Andy m

hearted creature, but less soft and sentimental than
Fanny. She was of the dashing school rather, and
before she became the mother of so large a family,
thought very little of riding over a gate or a fence. In-
deed, it was her high mettle that won her the squire's
heart. The story is not long, and it may as well be told
here though a little out of place, perhaps ; but it 's an
Irish story, and may therefore be gently irregular.

The squire (lad admired Letitia Dawson, as most of
the young men of her acquaintance did appreciated
her round waist and well-turned ankle, her spirited eyes
and cheerful laugh, and danced with her at every ball as
much as any other fine girl in the country : but never
seriously thought of her as a wife, until one day a party
visited the parish church, whose old tower was often
ascended for the fine view it commanded. At this time
the tower was under repair, and the masons were draw-
ing up materials in a basket, which, worked by rope and
pulley, swung on a beam protruding from the top of the
tower. The basket had just been lowered for a fresh
load of stones, when Letitia exclaimed, " Would n't it
be fine fun to get into the basket, and be hauled up to
the top of the tower ? how astonished the workmen
would be to see a lady get out of it ! "

^^ I would be more astonished to see a lady get into
it," said a gentleman present.

*'Then here goes to astonish you," said Letitia, lay-
ing hold of the rope and jumping into the basket. In
vain did her friends and the workmen below endeavour
to dissuade her; up she would go, and up she did go;
and it was during her ascent that Egan and a friend
were riding towards the church. Their attention was
attracted by so strange a sight: and, spurring onward,
Egan exclaimed, ** By the powers ! *t is Letty Dawson !
Well done, Letty ! you 're the right girl for my money !
By Jove ! if ever I marry, Letty 's the woman." And
sure enough she was the woman, in another month.



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112 Handy Andy

Now, Fanny would not have done the basket feat,
but she had plenty of fun in her, notwithstanding ; her
spirits were light ; and though, for some time, she felt
deeply the separation from Edward, she rallied after
a while, felt that unavailing sorrow but impaired the
health of the mind, and, supported by her good sense,
she waited in hopefulness for the time that Edward
might claim and win her.

At Mcnyvale now all was expectation about the
anticipated election. The ladies were making up bows
of ribbon for their partizans, and Fanny had been so
employed all the morning alone in the drawing-room \
her pretty fingers pinching, and pressing, and stitching
the silken favours, while now and then her hand
wandered to a wicker-basket which lay beside her, to
draw forth a scissors or a needlecase. As she worked,
a shade of thought crossed her sweet face, like a passing
cloud across the sun ; the pretty fingers stopped the
work was laid down and a small album gently drawn
from the neighbouring basket. She opened the book
and read ; they were lines of Edward O'Connor's
which she drank into her heart ; they were the last he
had written, which her brother had heard him sing and
had brought her

THE SNOW



An old man sadly said,

* Where 's the snow
That fell the year that *s fled ?

Where's the snow ? '*
As fruitless were the task
Of many a joy to ask,

As the snowl

II

The hope of airy birth, ^

Like the snow,
Is stain* d on reaching earth,

JJke the snowt



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Handy Andy 113



While 't is sparkling in the ray,
*T is melting fast away.
Like the snow I



A coldy deceitful thing

Is the snowy
Though it come on dove-like wing -

The false snow I
*T is but rain disguised appears \
And our hopes are frozen tears.

Like the snow !

A tear did course down Fanny's check as she read
the last couplet; and closing the book and replacing it
in the little basket, she sighed, and said, ^^ Poor fellow !
I wish he were not so sad ! "



VOL. L 3



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CHAPTER VIII

LOVE is of as many patterns, cuts, shapes, and
colours as people's garments; and the loves of
Edward O'Connor and Fanny Dawson had very little
resemblance to the tender passion which agitated the
breast of the Widow Flanagan, and made Tom Durfy
her slave. Yet the widow and Tom demand the offices
of the chronicler as well as the more elevated pair ; and
this our veracious history could never get on, if we
exhausted all our energies upon the more engaging
personages, to the neglect of the rest : your plated
handles, scrolls, and mountings are all very well on
your carriage, but it could not move without its plain
iron bolts.

Now the reader must know something of the fair
Mistress Flanagan who was left in very comfortable
circumstances by a niggardly husband, who did her the
favour to die suddenly one day, to the no small satisfac-
tion of the pleasure-loving widow, who married him in
an odd sort of a hurry, and got rid of him as quickly.
Mr. Flanagan was engaged in supplying the export pro-
vision trade, which, every one knows, is considerable in
Ireland ; and his dealings in beef and butter were exten-
sive. This brought him into contact with the farmers
for many miles round, whom he met, not only every
market-day at every market-town in the county, but
at their own houses, where a knife and fork were
always at the service of the rich buyer. One of these
was a certain Mat Riley, who, on small means, man-
aged to live, and rear a son and three bouncing, good



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Handy Andy 115

looking girls, who helped to make butter, feed calves,
and superintend the education of pigs; and on these
active and comely lasses Mr. Flanagan often cast an
eye of admiration, with a view to making one of them
his wife; for though he might have had his pick and
choice of many fine girls in the towns he dealt in, he
thought the simple, thrifty, and industrious habits of
a pkin farmer's daughter more likely to conduce to
his happiness and profit for in that principally lay
the aforesaid happiness of Mr. Flanagan. Now, this
intention of honouring one of the three Miss Rileys
with promotion he never hinted at in the remotest
degree, and even in his own mind the thought was
mixed up with fat cattle and prices current ; and it was
not until a leisure moment one day, when he was pay-
ing Mat Riley for some of his farming produce, that he
broached the subject thus :

"Mat." "Sir."

" I *m thinking o' marrying.*'

"Well, she'll have a snug house, whoever she is,
Misther Flanagan."

" Them *s fine girls o* yours."

Poor Mat opened his eyes with delight at the pros-
pect of such a match for one of his daughters, and said
they were "comely lumps o' girls, sure enough; but,
what was betther, they wor good,"

" That *s what I 'm thinking," says Flanagan.
" There 's two ten-poun' notes, and a five, and one is
six, and one is seven ; and three tenpinnies is two-and-
sixpence ; that 's twenty-seven poun' two-and-sixpence :
cight-pence-ha'penny is the lot j but I have n't copper in
my company. Mat."

" Oh, no matther, Misther Flanagan. And is it one
o* my colleens you 've been throwing the eye at, sir ? "

" Yes, Mat, it is. You 're askin' too much for them
firkins?"

" Oh, Misther Flanagan, consider it *s prime butther.



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ii6 Handy Andy



I *11 back my girls for making up a bit o' butther agen
any girls in Ireland; and my cows is good, and the
pasture prime."

"'Tis a farthing a poun* too high. Mat; and the
market not lively."

**The butther is good, Mr. Flanagan; and not de-
centher girls in Ireland than the same girls, though I 'm
their father."

" I *m thinking I '11 marry one o* them. Mat."

" Sure, an' it 's proud I '11 be, sir ; and which o' them
is it, maybe ? "

" Faith, I don't know myself. Mat. Which do you
think yourself? "

** Throth, myself does n't know they 're all good.
Nance is nice, and Biddy 's biddable, and Kitty 's 'cute."

^^ You 're a snug man. Mat ; you ought to be able to
give a husband a trifle with them."

" Nothing worth your while, anyhow, Misther Flana-
gan. But sure one o* my girls without a rag to her
back, or a tack to her feet, would be betther help to an
honest industherin' man than one o* your showy lan-
therumswash divilsout of a town, that would spend more
than she *d bring with her."

" That *8 thrue. Mat. I '11 marry one o' your girls, I
think."

" You '11 have my blessin', sir ; and proud I '11 be
and proud the girl ought to be that I '11 say. And
suppose, now, you 'd come over on Sunday, and take
share of a plain man's dinner, and take your pick o' the
girls there 's a fine bull goose that Nance tow Id me
she'd have ready afther last mass; for Father Ulick
said he 'd come and dine with us."

^ I can't. Mat ; I must be in the canal boat on Sunday ;
but I '11 go and breakfast with you to-morrow, on my
way to Bill Mooney's, who has a fine lot of pigs to sell
remarkable fine pigs."

" Well, we '11 expect you to breakfast, sir."



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Handy Andy 117

** Mat, there must be no nonsense about the wedding.**

" As you plase, sir."

^^ Just marry her off, and take her home. Short reck-
onings make long friends."

^ Thrue for you, sir."

" Nothing to give with the girl, you say ? "

" My blessin' only, sir."

"Well, you must throw in that butther. Mat, and
take the farthin* off."

** It 's yours, sir," said Mat, delighted, loading Flana-
gan with " Good byes," and ** God save yous," until
they should meet next morning at breakfast.

Mat rode home in great glee at the prospect of pro-
viding so well for one of his girls, and told them a man
would be there the next morning to make choice of one
of them for his wife. The girls, very naturally, inquired
who the man was ; to which Mat, in the plenitude of
patriarchal power, replied, ** that was nothing to them j "
and his daughters had sufficient experience of his temper
to know there was no use in asking more questions after
such an answer. He only added, she would be " well
off that should get him." Now, their father being such
a curmudgeon, it is no wonder the girls were willing to
take the chance of a good-humoured husband instead of
an iron-handed father ; so they set to work to make
themselves as smart as possible for the approaching trial
of their charms, and a battle royal ensued between the
sisters as to the right and title to certain pieces of dress
which were hitherto considered a sort of common prop-
erty amongst them, and of which the occasion of a &ir,
or a pattern,^ or market-day was enough to establish the
possession, by whichever of the girls went to the public
place ; but now, when a husband was to be won, privi-
lege of all sorts was pleaded, in which discussion there

1 A half-holy, half-merry meeting, held at some certain place,
on the day dedicated to the saint who is supposed to be the patron
of the spot hence the name " pattern."



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ii8 Handy Andy



was more noise than sound reason, and so many violent
measures to secure the envied morceaux^ that some de-
struction of finery took place where there was none to
spare ; and, at last, seniority was agreed upon to decide
the question \ so that when Nance had the first plunder
of the chest which held all their clothes in common, and
Biddy nude the second grab, poor Kitty had little left
but her ordinary rags to appear in. But as, in the
famous judgment on Ida's Mount, it is hinted that
Venus carried the day by her scarcity of drapery, so did
Kitty conquer by want of clothes : not that Love sat in
judgment ; it was Plutus turned the scale. But, to leave
metaphor and classic illustration, and go back to Mat
Riley's cabin the girls were washing, and starching,
and ironing all night, and the morning saw them arrayed
for conquest. Flanagan came, and breakfasted, and saw
the three girls. A flashy silk handkerchief which Nancy
wore put her hors de combat veiy soon ; she was set
down at once, in his mind, as extravagant. Biddy
might have had a chance if she had made anything like
a fair division with her youngest sister ; but Kitty had
been so plundered, that her shabbiness won an easy
victory over the niggard's heart: he saw in her "the
making of a thrifty wife \ ** besides which, she was pos-
sibly the best looking, and certainly the youngest of the
three ; and there is no knowing how far old Flanagan
might have been influenced by those considerations.

He spoke very little to any of the girls ; but, when he
was leaving the house, he said to the father, as he was
shaking hands with him, " Mat, I '11 do it ; " and, point-
ing to Kitty, he added, " That's the one I '11 have."

Great was the rage of the elder sisters, for Flanagan
was notoriously a wealthy man; and when he quitted
the house, Kitty set up such a shout of laughter, that her
father and sisters told her several times " not to make a
fool of herself." Still she laughed, and throughout the
day sometimes broke out into sudden roars; and while



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Handy Andy 119

her sides shook with merriment, she would throw herself
into a chair, or lean against the wall, to rest herself after
the fatigue of her uproarious mirth. Now Kitty, while
she laughed at the discomfiture of her greedy sisters, also
bughed at the mistake into which Flanagan had fallen ;
for, as her father said of her, she was, ^^ 'cute,'' and she
more than suspected the cause of Flanagan's choice, and
enjoyed the anticipation of his disappointment, for she
was fonder of dress than either Nancy or Biddy, and re-
velled in the notion of astonishing ^^ die old niggard," as
she called him ; and this she did ^^ many a time and oft."
In vain did Flanagan try to keep her extravagance
within bounds. She would either wheedle, reason, bully,
or shame him into doing what she said ^^ was right and
proper for a snug man like him." His house was soon
well furnished : she made him get her a jaunting car.
She sometimes would go to parties, and no one was
better dressed than the woman he chose for her rags.
He got enraged now and then, but Kitty pacified him by
soft words and daring inventions of her fertile fancy.
Once, when he caught her in the fact of wearing a costly
crimson silk gown, and stormed, she soothed him by
telling him it was her old black one she had dyed ; and
this bouncer, to the great amusement of her female
friends, he loved to repeat, as a proof of what a careful
contriving creature he had in Kitty. She was naturally
quick-witted. She managed him admirably, deceived
him into being more comfortable than ever he had been
before, and had the laudable ambition of endeavouring
to improve both his and her own condition in every way.
She set about educating herself, too, as far as her notions
of education went ; and, in a few years after her marriage,
by judiciously using the means which her husband's
wealth afforded her of advancing her position in society,
no one could have recognised in the lively and well-
dressed Mrs. Flanagan the gawky daughter of a middling
farmer. She was veiy good-natured, too, towards hef



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I20 Handy Andy

sisters I whose condition she took care to improve with
her own \ and a very fair match for the eldest was made
through her means. The younger one was often stay-
ing in her house, dividing her time nearly between the
town and her father's farm, and no party which Mrs.
Flanagan gave or appeared at went off without giving
Biddy a chance to " settle herself in the world." This
was not done without a battle now and then with old
Flanagan, whose stinginess would exhibit itself upon
occasion; but at last all let and hindrance to the merry
lady ceased, by the sudden death of her old husband,
who left her the entire of his property, so that, for the
first time, his will was her pleasure.

After the funeral of the old man, the ** disconsolate
widow" was withdrawn from her own house by her
brother and sister to the farm, which grew to be a much
more comfortable place than when Kitty left; for to
have remained in her own house after the loss of " her
good man" would have been too hard on "the lone
woman." So said her sister and her brother, though, to
judge from the widow's eyes, she was not very heart-
broken : she cried as much, no doubt, as young widows
generally do after old husbands and could Kitty be
expected to do more ?

She had not been many days in her widowhood, when
Biddy asked her to drive into the town, where Biddy had
to do a little shopping that great business of ladies'
lives.

" Oh, Biddy, dear, I must not go out so soon."

** 'T will do you good, Kitty."

" I must n't be seen, you know 't would n't be right ;
and poor dear Flanagan not buried a week ! "

" Sure, who '11 see you ? We '11 go in the covered
car, and draw the curtains close, and who'll be the
wiser ? "

" If I thought no one would see me ! " said the
widow.



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Handy Andy 121

"Ah, who'll sec you ?*' exclaimed Biddy. "Come
along the drive will do you good.*'

The widow agreed; but when Biddy asked for a
horse to put to the car, her brother refused, for the only
horse not at work he was going to yoke in a cart that
moment, to send a lamb to the town. Biddy vowed she
would have a horse, and her brother swore the lamb
should be served first, till Biddy made a compromise,
and agreed to take the lamb under the seat of the car,
and so please all parties.

Matters being thus accommodated, oflF the ladies set,
the lamb tied neck and heels and crammed under the
seat, and the curtains of the car ready to be drawn at a
moment's notice, in case they should meet any one on
the road ; for " why should not the poor widow enjoy
the fresh air as they drove along ? " About half way to
the town, however, the widow suddenly exclaimed

" Biddy, draw the curtains ! "

What 's the matter ? " says Biddy.

" I see him coming after us round a turn o' the road ! '*
and the widow looked so horrified, and plucked at the
curtains so furiously, that Biddy, who was superstitious,
thought nothing but Flanagan's ghost could have pro-
duced such an effect; and began to scream and utter
holy ejaculations, until the sight of Tom Durfy riding
after them showed her the cause of her sister's alarm.

" If that divil, Tom Durfy, sees me, he '11 tell it all
over the country, he 's such a quiz ; shove yourself well
before the door there, Biddy, that he can't peep into the
car. Oh, why did I come out this day ! I wish your
tongue was cut out, Biddy, that asked me ! "

In the meantime Tom Durfy closed on them fast,
and began telegraphing Biddy, who, according to the
widow's desire, had shoved herself well before the door.

" Pull up, Tim, pull up ! " said the widow, from the
inside of the car, to the driver, whom she thumped on
the back at the same time to impress upon him her



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122 Handy Andy

meanings ^^turn about, and pretend to drive back.
We '11 let that fellow ride on," said she, quietly to
Biddy.

Just as this manoeuvre was executed, up came Tom
Durfy.

" How are you, Miss Riley ? " said he, as he drew
rein.

" Pretty well, thank you," said Biddy, putting her
head and shoulders through the window, while the widow
shrunk back into the corner of the car,

^ How very sudden poor Mr. Flanagan's death was !
I was quite surprised."

" Yes, indeed," says Biddy. " I was just taking a
little drive \ good bye."

" I was very much shocked to hear of it," said Tom.

" 'T was dreadful ! " said Biddy.

** How is poor Mrs. Flanagan ? " said Tom.

^As well as can be expected, poor thing! Good
bye ! " said Biddy, manifestly anxious to cut short the
conference.

This anxiety was so obvious to Tom, who, for the
sake of fun, loved cross-purposes dearly, that he deter-
mined to push his conversation further, just because he
saw it was unwelcome.

" To be sure," continued he, " at his time of life "

" Very true," said Biddy. " Good morning."

" And the season has been very unhealthy."
. *' Doctor Growling told me so yesterday," said Biddy ;
"I wonder you're not afraid of stopping in this east
wind colds are very prevalent. Good bye ! "

Just now the Genius of Farce, who presides so parti-
cularly over all Irish affairs, put it into the lamb's head
to bleat. The sound at first did not strike Tom Durfy
as singular, they being near a high hedge, within which
it was likely enough a lamb might bleat ; but Biddy,
shocked at the thought of being discovered in the fact
of making her jaunting-cart a market-cart, reddened up



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Handy Andy 123

to the eyes, while the widow squeezed herself closer into
the comer.

Tom, seeing the increasing embarrassment of Biddy,
and her desire to be oflF, still would talk to her, for the
love of mischief.

" I beg your pardon," he continued, "just one mo-
ment more I wanted to ask, was it not apoplexy, for I
heard an odd report about the death ? "

** Oh, yes," says Biddy 5 ** apoplexy good bye ! "

^ Did he speak at all ? " asked Tom.

" Baa ! " says the lamb.

Tom cocked his ears, Biddy grew redder, and the
widow crammed her handkerchief into her mouth to
endeavour to smother her laughter.

" I hope poor Mrs. Flanagan bears it well ? " says
Tom.

** Poor thing ! " says Biddy, " she 's inconsolable."

" Baa-a ! " says the lamb.

Biddy spoke louder and faster, the widow kicked with
laughing, and Tom then suspected whence the sound
proceeded.

"She does nothing but cry all day ! " says Biddy.

** Baa^-a ! " says the bmb.

The widow could stand it no longer, and a peal of
laughter followed the lamb's bleat.

" What is all this ? " said Tom, laying hold of the
curtains with relentless hand, and, spite of Biddy's
screams, rudely unveiling the sanctuary of sorrowing
widowhood. Oh ! what a sight for the rising I beg
their pardon, the sinking generation of old gentlemen
who take young wives did Tom behold ! There was
the widow lying back in the corner she who was
represented as inconsolable and crying all day shaking
with laughter, the tears, not of sorrow, but irrepressible
mirth rolling down a cheek rosy enough for a bride.

Biddy, of course, joined the shout. Tom roared in
an agony of delight. The very driver's risibility re-



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124 Handy Andy

belled against the habits of respect, and strengthened
the chorus; while the lamb, as if conscious of the
authorship of the joke, put in a longer and louder
^Baaa-^-aUr'

Tom, with all his devilment, had good taste enough to
feel it was not a scene to linger on \ so merely giving a
merry nod to each of the ladies, he turned about his
horse as fast as he could, and rode away in roars of
laughter.

When, in due course of time, the widow again
appeared in company, she and Tom Durfy could never
meet without smiling at each other. What a pleasant
influence lies in mutual smiles ! We love the lips
which welcome us without words. Such sympathetic
influence it was that led the widow and Tom to get
better and better acquainted, and like each other more
and more, until she thought him the pleasantest fellow in
the county, and he thought her the handsomest woman :
* besides, she had a good fortune.

The widow, conscious of her charms and her money,
did not let Tom, however, lead the quietest life in the
world. She liked, with the usual propensity of her sex,
occasionally to vex the man she loved, and assert her
sway over so good-looking a fellow. He, in his turn,
played oflF the widow very well \ and one unfailing source
of mirthful reconciliation on Tom's part, whenever the
widow was angry, and that he wanted to bring her back
to good humour, was to steal behind her chair, and
coaxingly putting his head over her fair shoulder, to par
her gently on her peachy cheek, and cry " Baa ! "



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CHAPTER IX

ANDY was in sad disgrace for some days with his
mother ; but, like all mothers, she soon forgave the
blunders of her son and indeed mothers are well oflF
who have not more than blunders to forgive. Andy did
all in his power to make himself useful at home, now
that he was out of place and dependent on his mother,
and got a day's work here and there where he could.
Fortunately the season afforded him more employment
than winter months would have done. But the farmers
soon had all their crops made up, and when Andy could
find no work to be paid for, he began to cut the ^^ scrap
o' meadow," as he called it, on a small field of his
mother's. Indeed, it was but a ** scrap ; " for the place
where it grew was one of those broken bits of ground so
common in the vicinity of mountain ranges, where rocks,
protruding through the soil, give the notion of a very
fine crop of stones. Now, this locality gave to Andy
the opportunity of exercising a bit of his characteristic
ingenuity ; for when the hay was ready for ** cocking,"
he selected a good thumping rock as the foundation for
his haystack, and the superstructure consequently cut a
more respectable figure than one could have anticipated
from the appearance of the little crop as it lay on the
ground ; and as no vestige of the rock was visible, the
widow, when she came out to see the work completed,
wondered and rejoiced at the size of the haystack, and
said, ^^ God bless you, Andy, but you 're the natest hand
for putting up a bit o' hay I ever seen j throth, I did n't
think there was the half of it in it ! " Little did the



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126 Handy Andy

widow know that the cock of hay was as great a cheat
as a bottle of champagne more than half bottom. It
was all very well for the widow to admire her hay ; but
at last she came to sell it, and such sales are generally
effected in Ireland by the purchaser buying " in the
lump/' as it is called, that is, calculating the value of the
hay from the appearance of the stack as it stands, and
drawing it away upon his own cars. Now, as luck
would have it, it was Andy's early acquaintance, Owny
na Coppal, bought the hay ; and in consideration of the
lone woman^ gave her as good a price as he could afford

for Owny was an honest, open-hearted fellow, though
he was a horse-dealer ; so he paid the widow the price
of her hay on the spot, and said he would draw it away
at his convenience.

In a few days Owny's cars and men were sent for
this purpose ; but when they came to take the haystack
to pieces, the solidity of its centre rather astonished them

and instead of the cars going back loaded, two had
their journey for nothing, and went home empty. Pre-
viously to his men leaving the widow's field, they spoke
to her on the subject, and said, *' 'Pon my conscience,
ma'am, the centre o' your haystack was mighty heavy."

" Oh, indeed, it 's powerful hay ! " said she,

"Maybe so," said thcyj "but there's not much
nourishment in that part of it."

" Not finer hay in Ireland ! " said she,

" What 's of it, ma'am," said they. " Faix, we think
Mr. Doyle will be talkin' to you about it." And they
were quite right ; for Owny became indignant at being
overreached, as he thought, and lost no time in going to
the widow to tell her so. When he arrived at her
cabin, Andy happened to be in the house; and when
the widow raised her voice through the storm of Owny's
rage, in protestations that she knew nothing about it,
but that " Andy, the darlin', put the cock up with his
own hands," then did Owny's passion gather strength.



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Handy Andy 127

** Oh ! it*s you, you vagabone, is it ? '* said he, shak-
ing his whip at Andy, with whom he never had had the
honour of a conversation since the memorable day when
his horse was nearly killed. " So this is more o* your
purty work ! Bad cess to you ! was n't it enough for
you to nigh-hand kill one o' my horses, without plottin'
to chate the rest o' them ? "

^\ \X. me chate them ? " said Andy. " Throth, I
wouldn't wrong a dumb baste for the world."

" Not he, indeed, Misther Doyle ! " said the widow.

" Arrah, woman, don't be talkin' your balderdash to
me," said Doyle \ " sure you took my good money for
your hay ! "

*' And sure I gave all I had to you what more
couldldo?''

" Tare an' ounty, woman ! who ever heerd of sich a
thing as coverin' up a rock wid hay, and sellin' it as the
rale thing ? "

" ' T was Andy done it, Mr. Doyle ; hand, act, or
part, I had n't in it."

" Why, then, are n't you ashamed o' yourself? " said
Owny Doyle, addressing Andy.

" Why would I be ashamed ? " said Andy.

" For chatin' that 's the word, since you provoke
me.

" What I done is not chatin'," said Andy. " I had
a blessed example for it."

" Oh ! do you hear this ! " shouted Owny, nearly
provoked to take the worth of his money out of Andy's
ribs.

** Yes, I say a blessed example," said Andy. ** Sure,
did n't the blessed Saint Peter build his church upon a
rock, and why should n't I build my cock o' hay on a
rock?"

Owny, with all his rage, could not help laughing at
the ridiculous conceit. " By this and that, Andy," said
he, " you 're always sayin' or doin' the quarest things in



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128 Handy Andy

the counthry, bad cess to you ! " So he laid his whip
upon his little hack instead of Andy, and galloped off.

Andy went over the next day to the neighbouring
town, where Owny Doyle kept a little inn and a couple
of post-chaises (such as they were), and expressed much
sorrow that Owny had been deceived by the appearance
of the hay ; " but I '11 pay you the differ out o* my wages,
Misther Doyle in throth I will that is, whenever I
have any wages to get : for the Squire turned me off,
you see, and I 'm out of place at this present.''

" Oh, never mind it," said Owny. " Sure, it was
the widow woman got the money, and I don't begrudge
it ; and now that it 's all past and gone, I forgive you.
But tell me, Andy, what put such a quare thing into
your head ? "

" Why, you see," said Andy, " I did n't like the poor
mother's pride should be let down in the eyes o' the
neighbours ; and so I made the weeshy bit o' hay look
as dacent as I could but, at the same time, I would n't
chate any one for the world, Misther Doyle."

" Throth, I b'lieve you would n't, Andy ; but, 'pon
my sowl, the next time I go buy hay, I '11 take care that
Saint Pether has n't any hand in it."

Owny turned on his heel, and was walking away with
that air of satisfaction which men so commonly assume
after fancying they have said a good thing, when Andy
interrupted his retreat by an interjectional "Misther
Doyle ? "

" Well," said Owny, looking over his shoulder.

" I was thinkin', sir," said Andy.

" For the first time in your life, I b'lieve," said Owny :
and what was it you wor thinkin' ? "

" I was thinkin' o' dhrivin' a chay, sir."

" And what 's that to me ? " said Owny.

" Sure I might dhrive one o' your chaises."

" And kill more o* my horses, Andy eh ? ^ No, no,
6ix, I 'm afecr'd o' you, Andy."



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Handy Andy 129

^Not a bo7 in Ireland knows dhrivin' betther nor
mc, any way/' said Andy.

*' Faix, it 's any way and every way but the way you
ought you 'd dhrive, sure enough, I b'lieve : but, at all
events, I don't want a post-boy, Andy I have Micky
Doolin, and his brother Pether, and them 's enough for
me.

" Maybe you 'd be wantin' a helper in the stable, Mis-
ther Doyle?"

" No, Andy ; but the first time I want to make hay
to advantage, I '11 send for you," said Owny, laughing,
as he entered his house, and nodding at Andy, who re-
turned a capacious grin to Owny's shrewd smile, like
the exaggerated reflection of a concave mirror. But the
grin soon subsided, for men seldom prolong the laugh
that is raised at their own expense ; and the corners of
Andy's mouth turned down as his hand turned up to the
back of his head, which he rubbed, as he sauntered down
the street from Owny Doyle's.

It was some miles to Andy's home, and night over-
took him on the way. As he trudged along in the mid-
dle of the road he was looking up at a waning moon and
some few stars twinkling through the gloom, absorbed
in many sublime thoughts as to their existence, and won-
dering what they were made of, when his cogitations
were cut short by tumbling over something which lay in
the middle of the highway ; and on scrambling to his
legs again, and seeking to investigate the cause of his
faU, he was rather surprised to find a man lying in such
a state of insensibility that all Andy's efforts could not
rouse him. While he was standing over him, unde-
cided as to what he should do, the sound of approach-
ing wheels, and the rapid steps of galloping horses,
attracted his attention ; and it became evident that unless
the chaise and pair which he now saw in advance were
brought to pull up, the cares of the man in the middle
of the road would be very soon over. Andy shouted
VOL. I. 9



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I30 Handy Andy

lustily, but to his every " Halloo there ! " the crack of
the whip replied, and accelerated speed instead of a halt
was the consequence; at last, in desperation, Andy
planted himself in the middle of the road, and with out-
spread arms before the horses, succeeded in arresting
their progress, while he shouted " Stop ! " at the top of
his voice.

A pistol-shot from the chaise was the consequence of
Andy's summons, for a certain Mr. Furlong, a foppish
young gentleman, travelling from the castle of Dublin,
never dreamed that a humane purpose could produce the
cry of "Stop,** on a horrid Irish road; and as he was
reared in the ridiculous belief that every man ran a great
risk of his life who ventured outside the city of Dublin,
he travelled with a brace of loaded pistols beside him ;
and as he had been anticipating murder and robbery ever
since nightfall, he did not await the demand for his
" money or his life " to defend both, but fired away the
instant he heard the word ^ Stop ! " and fortunate it was
for Andy that the traveller's hurry impaired his aim.
Before he could discharge a second pistol, Andy had
screened himself under the horses' heads ; and recognis-
ing in the postilion his friend Micky Doolin, he shouted
out, " Micky, jewel, don't let them be shootin' me ! "

Now Micky's cares were quite enough engaged on
his own account: for the first pistol-shot made the
horses plunge violently, and the second time Furlong
blazed away set the saddle-horse kicking at such a rate,
that all Micky's horsemanship was required to preserve
his seat ; added to which, the dread of being shot came
over him, and he crouched low on the grey's neck, hold-
ing fast by the mane, and shouting for mercy as well as
Andy, who still kept roaring to Mick, ' not to let them
be shootin' him," while he held his hat above him, in
the fashion of a shield, as if that would have proved any
protection against a bullet. ^^Who are you at all?''
said Mick.



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Handy Andy 131

** Andy Rooney, sure."

" And what do you want ? "

" To save the man's life."

The last words only caught the ear of the frightened
Furlong ; and as the phrase ^ his life " seemed a personal
threat to himself, he swore a trembling oath at the pos-
tilion that he would shoot him if he did not dwive on,
for he abjured the use of that rough letter, R, which the
Irish so much rejoice in. ^ Dwive on, you wascal,
dwive on ! " exclaimed Mr. Furlong.

" There 's no fear o' you, sir," said Micky, ^ it *s a
friend o* my own."

Mr. Furlong was not quite satisfied that he was there-
fore the safer.

" And what is it at all, Andy ? " continued Mick.

^^ I tell you there 's a man lying dead in the road here,
and sure you 'U kill him, if you dhrive over him."

^^How could I kill him any more than he is kilt,"
says Mick, " if he *s dead already ? "

" Well, no matther for that," says Andy. " 'Light
off your horse, will you, and help me to rise him ? "

Mick dismounted, and assisted Andy in lifting the pros-
trate man from the centre of the road to the slope of
turf which bordered its side. They judged he was not
dead, however, from the warmth of the body ; but that
he should still sleep seemed astonishing, considering the
quantity of shaking and kicking they gave him.

" I b'lieve it 's drunk he is," said Mick.

" He gave a grunt that time," said Andy ; " shake
him again, and he'll spake."

To a fresh shaking the drunken man at last gave
some tokens of returning consciousness, by making
several winding blows at his benefactors, and uttering
some half-intelligent maledictions.

^^ Bad luck to you, do you know where you are ? **
said Mick.

" Well ! " was the drunken ejaculation.



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132 Handy Andy

"By this and that, it's my brother Pethcr," said
Mick. "We wondhered what had kept him so late
with the return shay, and this is the way it is. He
tumbled off his horses, dhrunk : and where 's the shay,
I wondher ? Oh, murdher ! what will Misther Doyle
say ? "

" What 's the weason you don't dwive on ? " said
Mr. Furlong, putting his head out of the chaise.

"It*s one on the road here, your honour, almost
kUled."

" Was it wobbers ? " asked Mr. Furlong.

'^ Maybe you 'd take him into the shay wid you,
sir?"

" What a wequest ! dwive on, sir ! "

" Sure I can't lave my brother on the road, sir."

" Your bwother ! and you pwesume to put your
bwother to wide with me ? You '11 put me in the
debdest wage if you don't dwive on."

" 'Faith, then, I won't dhrive on and lave my brother
here on the road."

" You rascally wappawee ! " exclaimed Furlong.

"See, Andy," said Micky Doolan; "will you get
up and dhrive him, while I stay with Pether ? "

"To be sure I will," said Andy; "where is he
goin' ? "

" To the Squire's," said Mick ; " and when you lave
him there, make haste back, and I '11 dhrive Pether
home."

Andy mounted into Mick's saddle ; and although the
traveller " pwotested " against it, and threatened " pwo-
ceedings " and " magistrates," Mick was unmoved in
his brotherly love. As a last remonstrance. Furlong
exclaimed, " And pewhaps this fellow can't wide, and
don't know the woad."

" Is it not know the road to the Squire's ? wow !
wow ! " said Andy. " It 's I that '11 rattle you there in
no time, your honour."



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Handy Andy 133

^^ Well, wattle away then ! " said the enraged travel-
ler, as he threw himself back in the chaise, cursing all
the postilions in Ireland.

Now, it was to Squire 0'Grady*s that Mr. Furlong
wanted to go ; but in the confusion of the moment the
name of O'Grady never once was mentioned ; and with
the title of ^^ Squire," Andy never associated another
idea than that of his late master, Mr. Egan.

Mr. Furlong, it has been stated, was an official of
Dublin Castle, and had been despatched on electioneer-*
ing business to the country. He was related to a
gentleman of the same name who held a lucrative post
under government, and was well known as an active
agent in all afiairs requiring what in Ireland was called
^ Castle influence \ " and this, his relative, was now
despatched, for the first time, on a similar employment.
By the way, while his name is before one, a little anec-
dote may be appropriately introduced, illustrative of the
wild waggery prevailing in the streets of Dublin in those
days.

Those days were the good old days of true virtue !
When a bishop who had daughters to marry, would
advance a deserving young curate to a good living, and,
not content with that manifestation of his regard, would
give him one of his own children for a wife ! Those
were the days when, the country being in danger,
fathers were willing to sacrifice, not only their sons,
but their daughters on the altar of patriotism ! Do you
doubt it ? unbelieving and selfish creatures of these
degenerate times ! Listen ! A certain father waited
upon the Irish Secretary, one fine morning, and in that
peculiar strain which secretaries of state must be pretty
weU used to, descanted at some length on the devotion
he had always shown to the government, and yet they
had given him no proof of their confidence. The Secre-
tary declared they had the highest sense of his merits,
and that they had given him their entire confidence.



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134 Handy Andy

" But you have given me nothing else, my lord," was
the answer.

" My dear sir, of late we have not had any proof of
sufficient weight in our gift to convince you."

" Oh, I beg your pardon, my lord ; there's a ma-
jority of the dragoons vacant."

" Very true, my dear sir ; and if you had a child to
devote to the service of your country, no one should
have the majority sooner."

" Thank you, my lord," said the worthy man with
a low bow; "then I have a child."

" Bless me, sir ! I never heard you had a son."

" No, my lord, but I have a daughter."

^' A daughter ! " said my Lord Secretary, with a look
of surprise ; " but you forget, sir this is a regiment
a dragoon regiment."

** Oh, she rides elegant," said her father.

" But, my dear sir a woman ? "

" Why should n't a woman do her duty, my lord, as
well as a man, when the country is in danger ? I 'm
ready to sacrifice my daughter," said the heroic man,
with an air worthy of Virginius.

" My dear sir, this is really impossible ; you knmu it 's
impossible."

" I know no such thing, my lord. But I '11 tell you
what I know : there 's a bill coming on next week
and there are ten friends of mine who have not made up
their minds yet."

" My dear sir," said the Lord Secretory, squeezing his
hand with vehement friendship, " why place us in this
dreadful difficulty? It would be impossible even to
draw up the commission ; fancy, ^ Major Maria^ or
* Major Margery * ! "

"Oh, my lord," said my father quickly, "I have
fancied all that long ago, and got a cure ready for it.
My wife not having been blessed with boys, we thought
it wise to make the girls ready for any chance that might



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Handy Andy 135

turn up, and so we christened the eldest George, the
second Jack, and the third Tom ; which enables us to
call them Georgina, Jacqueline, and Thomasine, in
company, while the secret of their real names rests
between ourselves and the parish roister. Now, my
lord, what do you say? I have George, Jack, and
Tom think of your hill! " The argument was con-
clusive, and the patriotic man got the majority of a
cavalry corps, with perpetual leave of absence, for his
daughter Jack, who would much rather have joined the
regiment.

Such were the days in which our Furlong flourished ;
and in such days it will not be wondered at that a Secre-
tary, when he had no place to give away, invented one.
The old saying has it, that ^' Necessity is the mother of
invention;" but an Irish Secretary can beat necessity
hoUow. For example

A commission was issued, with a handsome salary to
the commissioner, to make a measurement through all
the streets of Dublin, ascertaining the exact distances
from the Castle, from a furlong upwards : and for
many a year did the commission work, inserting hand-
some stone slabs into walls of most ignorant houses,
till then unconscious of their precise proximity or re-
moteness from the seat of government. Ever after
that, if you saw some portly building, blushing in the
pride of red brick, and perfrimed with fresh paint, and
saw the tablet recording the interesting fact thus



FROM THE CASTLE,
ONE FURLONG.



Fancy might suggest that the house rejoiced, as it were,
in its honoured position, and did

look so fine, and smell so sweet,'*



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136 Handy Andy

because it was under the nose of viceroyalty, while the
suburbs revealed poor tatterdemalion tenements, drop-
ping their slates like tears, and uttering their hollow sighs
through empty casements, merely because they were
''one mile two furlongs from the Castle." But the
new stone tablet which told you so seemed to mock
their miseiy, and looked like a fresh stab into their poor
old sides ; as if the rapier of a king had killed a beggar.
This very original measure of measurement was pro-
vocative of ridicule or indignation, as the impatient might
happen to be infected ; but while the afiair was in AiU
blow, Mr. Furlong, who was the commissioner, while
walking in Sackville-street, one day, had a goodly sheet
of paper pinned to his back by some

" sweet Roman hand,**

bearing, in large letters, the inversion of one of his own
tablets.



ONE FURLONG
FROM THE CASTLE.



and as he swaggered along in conscious dignity, he won-
dered at the shouts of laughter ringing behind him, and
turned round occasionally to see the cause ; but ever as
he turned, faces were screwed up into seriousness, while
the laughter rang again in his rear. Furlong was be-
wildered, and much as he was used to the mirthfulness
of an Irish populace, he certainly did wonder what fiend
of fun possessed them that day, until the hall porter of
the secretary's office solved the enigma by respectfully
asking would he not take the placard from his back be-
fore he presented himself. The Mister Furlong who is
engaged in our story was the nephew of the man of
measurement memory ; and his mother, a vulgar woman,
sent her son to England to be educated, that he might



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Handy Andy 137

* pick up the ax'nt ; *t was so jinteel, the Inglish ax*nt ! "
And, accordingly, the youth endeavoured all he could to
become im-Irish in everything, and was taught to be-
lieve that all the virtue and wisdom in Ireland was vested
in the Castle and hangers-on thereof, and that the mere
people were worse than savages.

With such feelings it was that this English Irishman,
employed to open n^otiations between the government
and Squire O'Grady, visited the wilds of Ireland ; and
the circumstances attendant on the stopping of the chaise
afforded the peculiar genius of Handy Andy an oppor^
tunity of making a glorious confusion, by driving the
political enemy of the sitting member into his house,
where, by a curious coincidence, a strange gentleman
was expected every day on a short visit. After Andy
had driven some time, he turned round and spoke to Mr.
Furlong, through the pane of glass with which the front
window-frame of the chaise was not furnished.

^ Faix, you wor nigh shootin' me, your honour," said
Andy.

" I should not wepwoach myself, if I had," said Mr.
Furlong, ^^ when you quied stop on the woad : wobbers
always qui stop, and I took you for a wobber."

" Faix, the robbers here, your honour, never axes you
to stop at all, but they stop you without axin', or by your
lave, or wid your lave. Sure, I was only afeerd you 'd
dhrive over the man in the road."

" What was that man in the woad doing ? "

*' Nothin* at all, 'faith, for he was n't able ; he was
dhrunk, sir."

^^The postilion said he was his bwother."

" Yis, your honour, and he 's a postilion himself
only he lost his horses and the shay he got dhrunk,
and fell off."

^^ Those wascally postilions often get dwunk, I
suppose ? "

^ Oh, common enough, sir, particular now about the



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138 Handy Andy

'lection time; for the gentlemin is dhrivin* over the
country like mad, right and left, and gives the boys
money to dhrink their health, till they are killed a'most
with the falls they get."

" Then postilions often fall on the woads here ? "

" Throth, the roads is covered with them sometimes,
when the 'lections comes an."

" What howwid immowality ! I hope you *re not
dwunk?"

" Faix, I wish I was ! " said Andy. *' It *s a great
while since I had a dhrop \ but it won't be long so, when
your honour gives me something to dhrink your health."

" Well, don't talk, but dwive on."

All Andy's further endeavours to get " his honour "
into conversation were unavailing ; so he whipped on in
silence till his arrival at the gate-house of Merryvale
demanded his call for entrance.

" What are you shouting there for ? " said the travel-
ler ; " caw n't you wing ? "

^^ Oh, they understand the shilloo as well, sir ; " and
in confirmation of Andy's assurance, the bars of the
entrance gates were withdrawn, and the post-chaise rat-
tled up the avenue to the house.

Andy alighted, and gave a thundering tantara-ra at the
door. The servant who opened it was surprised at the
sight of Andy, and could not repress a shout of wonder.
Here Dick Dawson came into the hall, and seeing Andy
at the door, gave a loud halloo, and clapped his hands in
delight for he h^d not seen him since the day of the
chase.

'' An' is it there you are again, you unlucky vaga-
bone ? " said Dick 5 *' and what brings you here ? "

" I come with a jintleman to the masther, Misther Dick."

" Oh, it 's the visitor, \ suppose," said Dick, as he
himself went out, with that unceremonious readiness so
characteristic of the wild fellow he was, to open the door
gf th^ chaise for his brother-in-law's guest.



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Handy Andy 139

" You 're welcome/' said Dick ; " come, step in
the servants will look to your luggage. James, get in
Mr. , I beg your pardon, but 'pon my soul, I for-
got your name, though Moriarty told me."

" Mr. Furlong," gently uttered the youth.

^' Get in the luggage, James. Come, sir, walk into
the dinner-room : we have n't finished our wine yet."
With these words Dick ushered in Furlong to the apart-
ment where Squire Egan sat, who rose as they entered.
Mr. Furlong, Ned," said Dick.

" Happy to see you, Mr. Furlong," said the hearty
Squire, who shook Furlong's hand in what Furlong con-
sidered a most savage manner. " You seem fatigued ? "

" Vewy," was the languid reply of the traveller, as he
threw himself into a chair.

" Ring the bell for more claret, Dick," said Squire Egan.

" I neveh dwink."

Dick and the Squire both looked at him with amaze-
ment, for in the friend of Moriarty they expected to find
a hearty fellow.

^^ A cool bottle would n't do a child any harm," said
the Squire. ^^ Ring, Dick. And now, Mr. Furlong, teU
us how you like the country."

" Not much, I pwotest."

" What do you think of the people ? "

" Oh, I don't know : you '11 pawdon me, but a
in short there are so many wags."

" Oh, there are wags enough, I grant ; not funnier
d Is in the world."

" But I mean wags tatters, I mean."

"Oh, rags. Oh, yes why, indeed, they've not
much clothes to spare."

" And yet these wetches are fweeholders, I 'm told."

* Ay, and stout voters too."

*' Well, that 's all we wequire. By-the-bye, how goes
on the canvass. Squire ? "

" Famously."



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I40 Handy Andy

^ Oh, wait till I explain to you our plan of opewa-
tions from head-qwaters. You'll see how famously
we shall wally at the hustings. These Iw'tih have no
idea of tactics : we 'U intwoduce the English mode
take them by supwise. We must unseat him."

" Unseat who ? " said the Squire.

" That a Egan, I think you call him."

The Squire opened his eyes; but Dick, with the
ready devilment that was always about him, saw how
the land lay in an instant, and making a signal to his
brother-in-law, chimed in with an immediate assent to
Furlong's assertion, and swore that Egan would be un-
seated to a certainty. "Come, sir," added Dick, "fiU
one bumper at least to a toast I propose. Here 's ^ Con-
fusion to Egan, and success to O'Grady.' "

" Success to O'Gwady," faintly echoed Furlong, as
he sipped his claret. " These huish are so wild so
uncultivated," continued he; "you'll see how I'll
supwise them with some of my plans."

"Oh, they're poor ignorant brutes," said Dick,
" that know nothing : a man of the world like you
would buy and sell them."

" You see, they 've no finesse : they have a certain
degwee of weadiness, but no depth no weal finesse."

^^ Not as much as would physic a snipe," said Dick,
who swallowed a glass of claret to conceal a smile.

" What 's that you say about snipes and physic ? "
said Furlong ; " what queer things you hvUh do say."

"Oh, we've plenty o' queer fellows here," said
Dick; "but you are not taking your claret."

** The twuth is, I am fatigued vewy and if
you 'd allow me, Mr. O'Gwady, I should like to go to
my woom ; we'll talk over business to-mowwow."

"Certainly," said the Squire, who was glad to get
rid of him, for the scene was becoming too much for
his gravity. So Dick Dawson lighted Furlong to his
room, and after heaping civilities upon him, left him to



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Handy Andy 141

sleep in the camp of his enemies, and then returned to
the dining-room, to enjoy with the Squire the laugh
they were so long obliged to repress, and to drink
another bottle of claret on the strength of the joke.

" What shall we do with him, Dick ? " said the
Squire.

^^ Pump him as dry as a lime-kiln," said Dick, ^'and
then send him off to O'Grady all *s fair in war."

" To be sure," said the Squire. " Unseat me, in-
deed ! he was near it, sure enough, for I thought I 'd
have dropped off my chair with surprise when he said it."

"And the conceit and impudence of the fellow,"
said Dick. " The ignorant Iwisb nothing will serve
him but abusing his own countrymen ! ^ The ignorant
Irish ! ' oh, is that all you learn in Oxford, my boy ?
just wait, my buck if I don't astonish your weak
mind, it 's no matter ! "

" 'Faith, he has brought his pigs to a pretty market
here," said the Squire ; " but how did he come here ?
how was the mistake made ? "

" The way every mistake in the country is made,"
said Dick. " Handy Andy drove him here."

*'More power to you, Andy," said the Squire.
" Come, Dick, we '11 drink Andy's health this is a
mistake on the right side."

And Andjr's health was drunk, as well as several
other healths. In short, the Squire and Dick the Devil
were in high glee the dining-room rang with laughter
to a late hour ; and the next morning a great many
empty claret bottles were on the table and a few on
the floor.



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CHAPTER X

NOTWITHSTANDING the deep potations of
the Squire and Dick Dawson the night before^
both were too much excited by the arrival of Furlong to
permit their being laggards in the morning ; they were
up and in consultation at an early hour, for the purpose
of carrying on prosperously the mystification so well
begun on die Castle agent.

^ Now, first of all, Dick," said the Squire, " is it fair,
do you think ? "

**Fair!" said Dick, opening his eyes in astonish-
ment. ^ Why who ever heard of any one questioning
anything being fair in love, or war, or electioneering ?
To be sure, it 's fair and more particularly when the
conceited coxcomb has been telling us how he '11 aston-
ish with his plans the poor ignorant Irish, whom he
holds in such contempt. Now, let me alone, and I '11
get all his plans out of him, turn him inside out like a
glove, pump him as dry as a pond in the summer,
squeeze him like a lemon and let him see whether
the poor ignorant Iwishy as he softly calls us, are not an
overmatch for him at the finesse upon which he seems
so much to pride himself."

" Egad ! I believe you 're right, Dick," said the
Squire, whose qualms were quite overcome by the argu-
ment last advanced ; for if one thing more than another
provoked him, it was the impertinent self-conceit of
presuming and shallow strangers, who fancied their
hackneyed and cut-and-dry knowledge of the common-



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Handy Andy 143

places of tbe world gave them a mental elevation above
an intelligent people of primitive habits, whose simplicity
of life is so often set down to stupidity, whose content-
ment under privation is frequently attributed to laziness,
and whose poverty is constantly coupled with the epithet
** ignorant." '' A poor ignorant creature," indeed, is a
common term of reproach, as if poverty and ignorance
must be inseparable. If a list could be obtained of the
rich ignorant people, it would be no flattering document
to stick on the door of the temple of Mammon.

" Well, Ned," said Dick, " as you agree to do the
Englishman, Murphy will be a grand help to us ; it is
the very thing he will have his heart in. Murtough
will be worth his weight in gold to us ; I will ride over
to him and bring him back with me to spend the day
here; and you, in the mean time, can put every one
about the house on their guard not to spoil the fun by
letting the cat out of the bag too soon ; we '11 shake her
ourselves in good time, and maybe we won't have fun
in the hunt ! "

" You 're right, Dick. Murphy is the very man for
our money. Do you be off for him, and I will take
care that all shall be right at home here."

In ten minutes more Dick was in his saddle, and
riding hard for Murtough Murphy's. A good horse
and a sharp pair of spurs were not long in placing him
vis-^-vis with the merry attorney, whom he found in his
stable-yard up to his eyes in business with some ragged
country fellows, the majority of whom were loud in
vociferating their praises of certain dogs; while Mur-
tough drew from one of them, from time to time, a
solemn assurance, given with many significant shakes of
the head, and uplifting of hands and eyes, ^^ that was
the finest badger in the world I " Murtough turned his
head on hearing the rattle of the horse's feet, as Dick
the Devil dashed into the stable-yard, and with a view^
halloo welcomed him.



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144 Handy Andy



" You *re just in time, Dick. By the powers !
we '11 have the finest day's sport you *ve seen for some
time."

" I think we shall," said Dick, " if you come with
me.

'^No; but you come with me," said Murtough.
" The grandest badger-fight, sir."

" Pooh ! " returned Dick ; " I 've better fun for you."
He then told them of the accident that conveyed their
political enemy into their toils \ ^^ and the beauty of it
is," said Dick, ^^ that he has not the remotest suspicion
of the condition he's in, and fancies himself able to
buy and sell all Ireland horse-dealers and attorneys
included."

** That 's elegant ! " said Murphy.

" He 's come to enlighten us, Murtough," said Dick.

" And maybe, we won't return the compliment," said
Murtough. ''Just let me put on my boots. Hilloa,
you Larry ! saddle the grey. Don't you cut the pup's
ears till I come home ! and if Mr. Ferguson sends over
for the draft of the lease, tell him it won't be ready till
to-morrow. Molly ! Molly ! where are you, you old
divil ? Sew on that button for me I forgot to tell
you yesterday make haste ! I won't delay you a
moment, Dick. Stop a minute, though. I say, Lanty
Houligan mind, on your peril, you old vagabone,
don't let them fight that badger without me. Now,
Dick, I '11 be with you in the twinkling of a bedpost,
and do the Englishman, and that smart ! Bad luck to
their conceit ! they think we can do nothing regular in
Ireland."

On his arrival at Merryvale and hearing how matters
stood, Murtough Murphy was in a perfect agony of
delight in anticipating the mystification of the kidnapped
agent. Dick's intention had been to take him along
with them on their canvass, and openly engage him in
all their electioneering movements ; but to this Murphy



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Handy Andy 145

objected, as running too great a risk of discovery. He
recommended rather to engage Furlong in amusements
which would detain him from O'Grady and his party,
and gain time for their side \ and get out of him all the
electioneering plot of the other party, indirectly ; but to
have as little real electioneering business as possible.
"If you do, Dick," said Murphy, "take my word, we
shall betray ourselves somehow or other he could not
be so soft as not to see it; but let us be content to
amuse him with all sorts of absurd stories of Ireland
and the Irish tell him magnificent lies astonish him
with grand materials for a note-book, and work him up
to publish that 's the plan, sir ! "

The three conspirators now joined the family party,
which had just sat down to breakfast ; Dick, in his own
jolly way, hoped Furlong had slept well.

" Vewy,'* said Furlong, as he sipped his tea with an
air of peculiar nonchalance which was meant to &scinate
Fanny Dawson, who, when Furlong addressed to her
his first silly common-place, with his peculiar w-pro-
nunciation of the letter R, established a lisp directly, and
it was as much as her sister, Mrs. Egan, could do to
keep her countenance, as Fanny went on slaughtering
the S's as fast as Furlong ruined R's.

" I '11 twouble you for a little mo' queam," said he,
holding forth his cup and saucer with an affected air.

"Perhapth you'd like thum more theugar," lisped
Fanny, lifting the sugar-tongs with an exquisite curl of
her little finger.

" I 'm glad to hear you slept well," said Dick to
Furlong.

" To be sure he slept well," said Murphy ; " this is
the sleepiest air in the world."

" The sleepiest air ? " returned Furlong, somewhat
surprised. " That 's vewy odd."

" Not at all, sir," said Murphy ; " well known fact.
When I first came to this part of the country, I used to
v6l. I. 10



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146 Handy Andy

sleep for two days together sometimes. Whenever I
wanted to rise early, I was always obliged to get up the
night before."

This was said by the brazen attorney, from his seat
at a side-table, which was amply provided with a large
dish of boiled potatoes, capacious jugs of milk, a quan-
tity of cold meat and game. Murphy had his mouth
half filled with potatoes as he spoke, and swallowed a
laige draught of milk as the stranger swallowed Mur-
phy's lie.

"You don't eat potatoes, I perceive, sir," said
Murphy.

",Not for bweakfast," said Furlong.

" Do you for thupper ? " lisped Fanny.

" Never in England," he replied.

" Finest things in the world, sir, for the intellect,"
said Murphy. ^^I attribute the natural intelligence of
the Irish entirely to their eating them."

"Oh, they are thometimes tho thleepy at the
Cathtle," said Fanny.

" Weally ! " said the exquisite, with the utmost
simplicity.

" Fanny is very provoking, Mr. Furlong," said Mrs.
Egan, who was obliged to say something with a smile,
to avoid the laugh which continued silence would have
forced upon her.

" Oh, no ! " said the dandy, looking tenderly at
Fanny ; " only vewy agweable fond of a little
wepa'tee."

" They call me thatirical here," said Fanny, " only
fanthy ! " and she cast down her eyes with an exquisite
affectation of innocence.

" By-the-bye, when does your post awive here the
mail I mean ? " said Furlong.

" About nine in the morning," said the Squire.

" And when does it go out ? "

" About one in the afternoon."



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Handy Andy 147

^And how far is the post town fwom your
house ? "

" About eight or nine miles."

Then you can answer your letters by wetu'n of
post?"

" Oh dear, no ! " said the Squire ; " the boy takes
any letters that may be for the post the following morn-
ing, as he goes to the town to look for letters."

*' But you lose a post by that," said Furlong.

" And what matter ? " said the Squire.

The official's notions of regularity were somewhat
startled by the Squire's answer ; so he pushed him with
a few more questions. In reply to one of the last, the
Squire represented that the post-boy was saved going
twice a day by the present arrangement.

** Ay, but you lose a post, my dear sir," said Furlong,
who still clung with pertinacity to the fitness of saving
a post. ** Don't you see that you might weceive your
letter at half-past ten ; well, then you '11 have a full
hour to wite you' answer ; that 's quite enough time, I
should think, for you wetu'ning an answer."

" But, my dear sir," said Murtough Murphy, " our
grand object in Ireland is not to answer letters."

4t Oh ! ah ! hum ! indeed ! well, that 's odd j
how vewy odd you Iwish are ! "

^^ Sure, that 's what makes us such pleasant fellows,"
said Murtough. " If we were like the rest of the
world, there would be nothing remarkable about us;
aftd who 'd care for us ? "

"Well, Mr. Muffy, you say such queer things
weally."

"Ay, and I do queer things sometimes don't I,
Squire ? "

" There 's no denying it. Murphy."

" Now, Mr. O'Gwady," said Furlong, " had we not
better talk over our election business ? "

" Oh, hang business to-day ! " said Murphy : " let 's



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148 Handy Andy

have some fishing : I '11 show you such salmon-fishing
as you never saw in your life.*'

" What do you say, Mr. O'Gwady ? " said Furlong.

" 'Faith, I think we might as well amuse ourselves."

^^ But the election is weally of such consequence ;
I should think it would be a wema'kably close contest,
and we have no time to lose; I should think with
submission "

" My dear sir," said Murphy, " we '11 beat them
hollow : our canvass has been most prosperous ; there 's
only one thing I 'm afraid of."

" What 's that ? " said Furlong.

^^ That Egan has money ; and I 'm afraid he '11 bribe

high."

"As for bwibewy, neve' mind that," said Furlong,
with a very wise nod of his head and a sagacious wink.
*' Wi '// spend money too. We *re pwepawed for that :
plenty of money will be advanced, for the gov'nment is
weally anxious that Mr. Scatte'bwain should come in."

'*Oh, then, all's right?" said Murphy. "But
whisper Mr. Furlong be cautious how you mention
money ^ for there are sharp fellows about here, and there 's
no knowing how the wind of the word might put the
other party on their guard, and, maybe, help to unseat
our man upon a petition."

" Oh, let me alone," said Furlong. " I know a
twick too many for that : let them catch me betwaying
a secwet ! No, no wather too sharp for that ! "

"Oh! don't suppose, my dear sir," said Murphy,
" that I doubt your caution for a moment. I see, sir,
in the twinkling of an eye, a man's character always
did always could, since I was the height o' that \ "
and Murphy stooped down and extended his hand about
two feet above the floor, while he looked up in the face
of the man he was humbugging with the most unblush-
ing impudence "since I was the height o' that, sir,
I had a natural quickness for discerning character ; and



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Handy Andy 149

I see you 're a young gentleman of superior acuteness
and discretion ; but, at the same time, don't be angry
with me for just hinting to you, that some of these
Irish chaps are d d rogues. I b^ your pardon, Mrs.
O'Grady, for saying d n before a kdy ; " and he
made a low bow to Mrs. Egan, who was obliged to
leave the room to hide her laughter.

^ Now," said Furlong, " suppose befo'e the opening
of the poll, we should pwopose, as it were, with a view
to save time, that the bwibery oath should not be ad-
ministe'd on either side."

" That 's an elegant idea ! " said Murphy. " By the
wig o' the chief justice and that's a big oath
you 're a janius, Misther Furlong, and I admire you.
Sir, you're worth your weight in gold to us!"

^ Oh, you flatte' me ! weally," said Furlong, with
affected modesty, while he ran his fingers through his
Macassar-oUed ringlets.

" Well, now for a start to the river, and won't we
have sport ! You English-taught gentlemen have only
one fault on the face of the earth you 're too fond of
business you make yourselves slaves to propriety
there's no fun in you."

''I beg pawdon there," said Furlong, "we like
fun in good time."

** Ay ; but there 's where we beat you," said Murphy,
triumphantly ; *' the genuine home-bred Paddy makes
time for fun sooner than anything else we take our
own way, and live the longer."

"Ah! you lose your time though excuse me;
you lose your time, indeed."

" Well, ' divil may care,' as Punch said when he lost
mass, ^there's more churches nor one,' says he, and
that 's the way with us," said Murphy. " Come, Dick,
get the fishing-lines ready; heigh for the salmon-
fishery ! You must know, Misther Furlong, we fish
for salmon with line here."



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I50 Handy Andy



"I don't see how you could fish any other way,"
said the dandy, smiling at Murphy, as if he had caught
him in saying something absurd.

^ Ah, you rogue," said Murphy, affecting to be hit j
^ you 're too sharp for us poor Irish fellows ; but you
know the old saying, ^ An Irishman has leave to speak
twice ; ' but, after all, it 's no great mistake I 've made :
for when I say we fish for salmon with a line, I mean
we don't use a rod, but a leaded line, the same as in
sea-fishing."

" How vewy extwao'dinary ! Why, I should think
that impossible."

" And why should it be impossible ? " said Murphy,
with the most unabashed impudence. ^^ Have not all
nations habits and customs peculiar to themselves ?
Don't the English catch their fish by striking them
under water with a long rough stick, and a little cur-
whibble of a bone at the end of it ? "

" Speawing them, you mean," said Furlong.

" Ay, you know the right name, of course ; but is n't
that quite as odd, or more so than our way here ? "

"That's vewy twue indeed; but your sea-line fish-
ing in a wiver, and for salmon, strikes me as vewy
singular."

^ Well, sir, the older we grow the more we learn.
You '11 see what fine sport it is ; but don't lose any
more time : let us be off to the river at once."

" I '11 make a slight change in my dwess, if you
please I '11 be down immediately ; " and Furlong
left the room.

During his absence, the Squire, Dick, and Murphy,
enjoyed a hearty laugh, and ran over the future proceed-
ings of the day.

"But what do you mean by this salmon-fishing,
Murphy ? " said Dick ; " you know there never was
a salmon in the river."

" But there will be to-day," said Murphy ; " and



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Handy Andy 151

a magnificent gudgeon will see him caught. What
a spoon that fellow is ! we 've got the bribery out of
him already.'*

" You did that well, Murphy," said the Squire.

^^ Be at him again when he comes down," said Dick.

'^ No, no," said Murphy, " let him alone ; he is so
conceited about his talent for business, that he will be
talking of it without our pushing him : just give him
rope enough, and he'd hang himself; we^ll have the
whole of their campaign out before the day is over.*^



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CHAPTER XI

ALL men love to gain their ends; most men are
contented with the shortest road to them, while
others like by-paths. Some carry an innate love of
triumph to a pitch of epicurism, and are not content
unless the triumph be achieved in a certain way, mak-
ing collateral passions accessories before or after the
fact i and Murphy was one of the number. To him,
a triumph without fun was beef without mustard, lamb
without salad, turbot without lobster sauce. Now, to
entangle Furlong in their meshes was not sufficient for
him ; to detain him from his friends, every moment
betraying something of their electioneering movements,
though sufficiently ludicrous in itself, was not enough
for Murtough ! he would make his captive a source
of ridicule as well as profit, and while plenty of real
amusements might have served his end, to divert the
stranger for the day, this mock (ishing-party was planned
to brighten with fresh beams the halo of the ridiculous
which already encircled the magnanimous Furlong.

** Pm still in the dark," said Dick, " about the salmon.
As I said before, there never was a salmon in the river."

" But, as I said before," replied Murphy, '' there will
be to-day; and you must help me in playing oiF the
trick."

" But what n this trick ? Confound you, you *re as
mysterious as a chancery suit."

^^I wish I was likely to last half as long," said
Murphy.



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Handy Andy 153

The trick ! '* said Dick. ^ Bad luck to you, tell
me the trick, and don't keep me waiting, like a poor
relation."

** You have two boats on the river ? " said Murphy.

"Yes."

" Well, you must get into one with our victim : and
I can get into the other with the salmon."

" But where 's the salmon, Murphy ? "

" In the house, for I sent one over this morning, a
present to Mrs. Egan. You must keep away about thirty
yards or so, when we get afloat, that our dear friend
may not perceive the trick and in proper time I will
hook my dead salmon on one of my lines, drop him
over the ofF-side of the boat, pass him round to the gun-
wale within view of our intelligent castle customer, make
a great outcry, swear I have a noble bite, haul up my
fish with an enormous splash, and, affecting to kill him
in the boat, hold up my salmon in triumph."

" It *s a capital notion. Murphy, if he does n't smoke
the trick."

" He '11 smoke the salmon sooner. Never mind, if I
don't hoax him : I '11 bet you what you like he 's done."

" I hear him coming down-stairs," said the Squire.

" Then send off the salmon in a basket by one of the
boys, Dick," said Murphy ; " and you. Squire, may go
about your canvass, and leave us in care of the enemy."

All was done as Murphy proposed, and, in something
less than an hour. Furlong and Dick in one boat, and
Murphy and his attendant gossoon in another, were afloat
on the river, to initiate the Dublin citizen into the
mysteries of this new mode of salmon-fishing.

The sport at first was slack, and no wonder 5 and
Furlong began to grow tired, when Murphy hooked on
his salmon, and gently brought it round under the water
within range of his victim's observation.

" This is wather dull work," said Furiong.

" Wait awhile, my dear sir ; they are never lively in



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154 Handy Andy

biting so early as this they're not set about feeding
in earnest yet. Hilloa! by the Hokey I have him!"
shouted Murphy. Furlong looked on with great anxiety^
as Murphy made a well-feigned struggle with a heavy
fish.

" By this and that, he *s a whopper ! '* cried Murphy
in ecstasy. " He 's kicking like a two-year old. I have
him, though, as fast as the rock o' Dunamase. Come
up, you thief! " cried he, with an exulting shout, as he
pulled up the salmon with all the splash he could pro-
duce; and suddenly whipping the fish over the side into
the boat, he began flapping it about as if it were plung-
ing in the death-struggle. As soon as he had afFectoi
to kill it, he held it up in triumph before the castle con-
juror, who was quite taken in by the feint, and protested
his surprise loudly.

" Oh ! that 's nothing to what we '11 do yet. If the
day should become a little more overcast, we'd have
splendid sport, sir."

** Well, I could not have believed, if I had n't seen
it," said Furlong.

" Oh ! you '11 see more than that, my boy, before
we've done with them."

" But I have n't got even a bite yet ! "

" Nor I either," said Dick ; *' you 're not worse oflT
than I am."

^^ But how extwao'dinawy it is that I have not seen
a fish wise since I have been on the wiver."

'' That 's because they sec us watching them," said
Dick. " The d 1 such cunning brutes I ever met with
as the fish in this river : now, if you were at a distance
from the bank, you'd see them jumping as lively as
grasshoppers. Whisht ! I think I had a nibble."

" You don't seem to have good sport there," shouted
Murphy.

" Vewy poo' indeed," said Furlong, dolefully.

*' Play your line a little," said Murphy ; '' keep the



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Handy Andy 155

bait lively you're not up to the way of fascinating
them yet."

" Why, no ; it *s wather noo to me."

'* 'Faith ! " said Muqhy to himself, " it 's new to all
of us. It 's a bran new invention in the fishing line.
Billy," said he to the gossoon^ who was in the boat with
him, ^^we must catch a salmon again to divart that
strange gentleman hook him on, my buck."

" Yes, sir," said Billy, with delighted eagerness, for
the boy entered into the Am of the thing heart and soul,
and as he hooked on the salmon for a second haul, he
interlarded his labours with such ejaculations as, ^^ Oh,
Misther Murphy, sir, but you 're the funny jintleman.
Oh, Misther Murphy, sir, how soft the stranger is, sir.
The salmon 's ready for ketchin' now, sir. Will you
ketch him yet, sir?"

" Coax him round, Billy," said Murphy.

The young imp executed the manoeuvre with adroit-
ness ; and Murphy was preparing for another haul, as
Furlong's weariness began to manifest itself.

" Do you intend wemaining here all day ? Do you
know, I think I 've no chance of any spo't."

^^ Oh, wait till you hook one fish, at all events," said
Murphy ; ^^ just have it to say you killed a salmon in the
new style. The day is promising better. I 'm sure
we 'U have sport yet. Hilloa ! I 've another ! " and
Murphy began hauling in the salmon. ^^ Billy, you ras-
cal, get ready ; watch him that 's it mind him now ! "
Billy put out his gaiF to seize the prize, and, making a
grand swoop, affected to miss the fish. " GafF him, you
thief, gaff him ! " shouted Murphy, " gaff him, or he '11
be off."

"Oh, he's so lively, sir!" roared Billy; "he's a
rogue, sir he won't let me put the gaff undher him,
sir ow, he slipped away agin."

" Make haste, Billy, or I can't hold him."

"Oh, the thief!" said Billy; "one would think he



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156 Handy Andy

was cotcht before, he 's so up to it. Ha ! hurroo ! -^
I have him now, sir." Billy made all the splash he could
in the water as Murphy lifted the fish to the surface and
swung him into the boat. Again there was the flopping
and the riot, and Billy screeching, ^^ Kill him, sir ! kill
him, sir ! or he 'U be oflF out o' my hands ! " In
proper time the fish was killed and shown up in triumph,
and the imposture completed.

And now Furlong began to experience that peculiar
longing for catching a fish, which always possesses men
who see fish taken by others ; and the desire to have a
salmon of his own killing induced him to remain on the
river. In the long intervals of idleness which occurred
between the occasional hooking up of the salmon, which
Murphy did every now and then. Furlong would he talk--
ing about business to Dick Dawson, so that they had not
been very long on the water until Dick became enlight-
ened on some more very important points connected with
the election. Murphy now pushed his boat on towards
the shore.

'' You 're not going yet ? " said the anxious fisher-
man \ ^^'do wait till I catch a fish ! "

'' Certainly," said Murphy : " I 'm only going to
put Billy ashore, and send home what we Ve already
caught. Mrs. O'Grady is passionately fond of salmon."

Billy was landed, and a large basket in which the
salmon had been brought down to the boat, was landed
also empty ; and Murphy, lifting the basket as if it con-
tained a considerable weight, placed it on Billy's head,
and the sly young rascal bent beneath it, as if all the
fish Murphy had pretended to take were really in it;
and he went on his homeward way, with a tottering
step, as if the load were too much for him.

"That boy," said Furlong, "will never be able to
cawwy all those fish to the house."

" Oh, they won't be too much for him," said Dick.
" Curse the fish ! I wish they 'd bite. That thief,



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Handy Andy 157

Murphy, has had all the sport ; but he 's the best fisher*
man in the county, I *11 own that.'*

The two boats all this time had been drifting down
the river, and on opening a new reach of the stream, a
somewhat extraordinary scene of fishing presented itself.
It was not like Murphy's fishing, the result of a fertile
invention, but the consequence of the evil destiny which
presided over all the proceedings of Handy Andy. The
fishing-party in the boats beheld another fishing-party on
shore, with this difference in the nature of what the)^
sought to catch, that while they in the boats were look-
ing for salmon, those on shore were seeking for a post-
chaise ; and as about a third part of a vehicle so called
was apparent above the water. Furlong exclaimed with
extreme surprise

" Well, if it ain't a post-chaise ! "

^ Oh ! that 's nothing extraordinary,'' said Dick ;
** common enough here."

" How do you mean ? "

" We 've a custom here of running steeple-chases in
post-chaises."

" Oh, thank you," said Furlong. " Come, that 's too
good."

" You don't believe it, I see," said Dick. " But you
did not believe the salmon-fishing till you saw it."

^^ Oh, come now ! How the deuce could you leap a
ditch in a post-chaise ? "

^^ I never said we leaped ditches ; I only said we rode
steeple-chases. The system is this : You go for a
given point, taking high road, by-road, plain, or lane, as
the case may be, making the best of your way how you
can. Now our horses in this country are celebrated for
being good swimmers, so it 's a favourite plan to shirk a
bridge sometimes by swimming a river."

^ But no post-chaise will float," said Furlong, regu-
larly arguing against Dick's mendacious absurdity.

** Oh ! we are prepared for that here. The chaises are



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158 Handy Andy

made light, have cork bottoms, and all the solid work is
made hollow ; the doors are made water tight, and, if the
stream runs strong, the passenger jumps out and swims.''

^^ But that's not fair," said Furlong; ^^it alters the
weight."

"Oh! it 's allowed on both sides," said Dick, "so it 's
all the same. It's as good for the goose as the gander."

" I wather imagine it is much fitter for geese and
ganders than human beings. I know I should wather
be a goose on the occasion."

All this time they were nearing the party on shore,
and as the post-chaise became more developed, so did
the personages on the bank of the river : and amongst
these Dick Dawson saw Handy Andy in the custody of
two men, and Squire O'Grady shaking his fist in his
face and storming at him. How all this party came
there, it is necessary to explain. When Handy Andy
had deposited Furlong at Merryvale, he drove back to
pick up the fallen postilion and his brother on the road ;
but before he reached them, he had to pass a public-
house I say had to pass but he did n't. Andy
stopped, as every honourable postilion is bound to do, to
drink the health of the gentleman who gives him the
last half-crown : and he was so intent on " doing that
same," as they say in Ireland, that Andy's driving be-
came very equivocal afterwards. In short, he drove the
post-chaise into the river; the horses got disentangled by
kicking the traces (which were very willing to break)
into pieces ; and Andy, by sticking to the neck of the
horse he rode, got out of the water. The horses got
home without the post-chaise, and the other post-chaise
and pair got home without a postilion, so that Owny
Doyle was roused from his bed by the neighing of the
horses at the gate of the inn. Great was his surprise at
the event, as, half clad, and a candle in his hand, he saw
two pair of horses, one chaise, and no driver, at his
door. The next morning the plot thickened. Squire



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Handy Andy 159

O'Grady came to know if a gentleman bad arrived at
the town on his way to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. The
answer was in the ^affirmative. Then " Where was
he ? " became a question. Then the report arrived
of the post-chaise being upset in the river. Then
came stories of postilions falling off, of postilions being
changed, of Handy Andy being employed to take the
gentleman to the place \ and out of these materiak the
story became current, that " an English gentleman was
dhrownded in the river in a post-chaise." O'Grady
set off directly with a party to have the river dragged,
and near the spot encountering Handy Andy, he
ordered him to be seized, and accused him of murdering
his friend.

It was in this state of things that the boats approached
the party on land, and the moment Dick Dawson saw
Handy Andy, he put out his oars and pulled away as
hard as he could. At the moment he did so, Andy
caught sight of him, and pointing out Furlong and Dick
to O'Grady, he shouted, "There he is ! there he is !
I never murdhered him ? There he is ! stop him !
Misther Dick, stop, for the love of God ! "

" What 's all this about ? " said Furlong, in great
amazement.

" Oh, he *s a process-server," said Dick j " the
people are going to drown him, maybe."

" To dwown him ? " said Furlong, in horror.

" If he has luck," said Dick, " they '11 only give him
a good ducking ; but we had better have nothing to
do with it. I would not like you to be engaged in one
of these popular riots."

'* I should n't wellish it myself," said Furlong.

'' Pull away, Dick," said Murphy ; " let them kill the
blackguard, if they like."

" But will they kill him weally ? " inquired Furlong,
somewhat horrified.

^ 'Faith, it *s just as the whim takes them," said



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i6o Handy Andy

Murphy ; ^^but as we wish to be popular on the hustings,
we must let them kill as many as they please."

Andy still shouted loud enough to be heard. ^ Misther
Dick, they 're goin' to murdher me."

** Poo* w'etch ! " said Furlong, with a very uneasy
shudder.

^^ Maybe you 'd think it right for us to land, and res-
cue him," said Murphy, affecting to put about the boat.

** Oh, by no means," said Furlong. '* You *re bettaw
acquainted with the customs of the countwy than I am."

" Then we '11 row back to dinner as fast as we can,"
said Murphy. ^^ Pull away, my hearties ! " and, as he
bent to his oars, he began bellowing the Canadian Boat-.
Song, to drown Andy's roar, and when he howled

Our voices keep tunc,"

there never was a more practical burlesque upon the
words ; but as he added

* Our oars keep time,"

he seemed to have such a pleasure in pulling, and looked
so lively and florid, that Furlong, chilled by his inactivity
on the water, requested Murtough to let him have an oar,
to restore circulation by exercise. Murtough complied ;
but the novice had not pulled many strokes, before his
awkwardness produced that peculiar effect called ^^ catch-
ing a crab," and a smart blow upon his chest sent him
heek over head under the thwarts of the boat.

** Wha-wha-a-t 's that ? " gasped Furlong, as he
scrambled up again.

^^ You only caught a crab," said Murtough.

^ Good Heaven ! " said Furlong, ** you don't mean
to say there are crabs as well as salmon in the wiver."

^^ Just as many crabs as salmon," said Murtough ;
** pull away, my hearty.

* Row, brothers, row the stream runs fast.
The rapids are near, and the daylight^s past! **



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CHAPTER XII

THE boats doubled round an angle in the river, and
Andy was left in the hands of Squire O'Grady
still threatening vengeance; but Andy, as long as the
boats remained in sight, heard nothing but his own
sweet voice shouting at the top of its pitch, ** They *rc
going to murdher me ! Misther Dick, Misther Dick,
come back for the love o' God ! '*

^ What are you roaring like a bull for i " said the
Squire.

" Why would n't I roar, sir ? A bull would roar if
he had as much rayson."

^^A bull has more reason than ever you had, you
calf," said the Squire.

^^Sure there he is, and can explain it all to you,"
said Andy, pointing after the boats.

" Who is there ? " asked the Squire.

^^ Misther Dick, and the jintleman that I dhruv
there."

** Drove where ? "

" To the Squire's."

"What Squire?"

" Squire Egan's, to be sure."

" Hold your tongue, you rascal ; you 're either drunk
still, or telling lies. The gentleman I mean would n't
go to Mister Egan's ; he was coming to me."

" That 's the jintleman I dhruv that 's all I know.
He was in the shay, and was nigh shootin' me ; and
Micky Doolin stopped on the road, when his brother

VOL. I. n



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i62 Handy Andy

was nigh killed, and towld me to get up, for he would n'l
go no farther, when the jintleman objected "

" What did the gentleman object to ? "

" He objected to Pether goin* into the shay."

"Who is Peter?"

" Pether Doolin, to be sure."

" And what brought Peter Doolin there ? "

" He fell ofFthc horses "

" Was n't it Mick Doolin you said was driving but a
moment ago ? "

" Ay, sir, but that was th* other shay."

" What other chaise, you vagabond ? "

" Th* other shay, your honour, that I never see at all,
good or bad only Pether."

^^ What diabolical confusion you are making of the
story, to be sure ! There 's no use in talking to you
here, I see. Bring him after me," said the Squire, to
some of his people standing by. " I must keep him in
custody till something more satisfactory is made out
about the matter."

" Sure it *s not makin' a presner of me you 'd be ? "
said Andy.

" You shall be kept in confinement, you scoundrel, till
something is heard of this strange gentleman. I 'm
afraid he *s drowned."

" D 1 a dhrowned. I dhruv him to Squire Egan's,
I'll take my book oath."

" That 's downright nonsense, sir. He would as
soon go into Squire Egan's house as go to Fiddler's
Green."

" 'Faith, then, there 's worse places than Fiddler's
Green," said Andy, " as some people may find out one
o' these days."

" I think, boys," said O'Grady, to the surrounding
countrymen, " we must drag the river."

1 Fiddler* s Green is supposed to be situated on this (the cooler)
tide of the regions below.



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, Handy Andy 163

" Dhrag the river if you plase," said Andy ; " but,
for the tendher mercy o' Heaven, don't dhrag me to jail !
By all the crosses in a yard o' check, I dhruv the jintle-
man to Squire Egan's ! and there he was in that boat
I showed you five minutes agone."

Bring him after me," said O'Grady. " The feUow
is drunk still, or forgets all about it; I must examine
him again. Take him over to the hall, and lock him up
till I go home."

^^ Arrah sure, your honour," said Andy, commencing
an appeal.

*' If you say another word, you scoundrel," said the
Squire, shaking his whip at him, ^^ I '11 commit you to
jail this minute. Keep a sharp eye after him, Molloy,"
were the last words of the Squire to a stout-built peas-
ant, who took Andy in charge as the Squire mounted
his horse and rode away.

Andy was marched off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall;
and, in compliance with the Squire's orders, locked up
in the justice-room. This was an apartment where the
Squire, in his magisterial capacity, dispensed what he
called justice, and what he possible meant to be such ;
but poor Justice coming out of Squire O'Grady's hands
was somethii^ like the little woman in the song, who,
having her petticoats cut short while she was asleep,
exclaimed on her waking

As sure as I *m a little woman, this is none of I : **

only that Justice, in the present instance, did not doubt
her identity from her nakedness, but from the pecu-
liar dressing Squire O'Grady bestowed upon her she
was so muffled up in O'Gradyism that her own mother
(who, by the same token, was Themis) would n't know
her. Indeed, if I remember. Justice is worse off than
mortals respecting her parentage ; for while there
are many people who do not know who were their
fathers, poets are uncertain who was Justice's mother :



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i64 Handy Andy

some say Aurora, some say Themis. Now, if I might
indulge at this moment in a bit of reverie, it would not
be unreasonable to suppose that it is the classic dis-
position of Ireland, which is known to be a very ancient
country, that tends to make the operations of Justice
assimilate with the uncertainty of her birth; for her
dispensations there are as distinct as if they were the
offspring of two different influences. One man's justice
is not another man's justice ; which, I suppose, must
arise from the difference of opinion as to who and what
Justice is. Perhaps the rich people, who incline to
power, may venerate Justice more as the child of Jupiter
and Themis ; while the unruly ones worship her as the
daughter of Titan and Aurora ; for undoubtedly the
of&pring of Aurora must be most welcome to " PeepW-
day boys*^

Well not to indulge further in reverie Andy, I
say, was locked up in the justice-room ; and as I have
been making all these observations about Justice, a few
words will not be thrown away about the room which
she was supposed to inhabit. Then I must say Squire
O'Grady did not use her well. The room was a cold,
comfortless apartment, with a plastered wall and an
earthen floor, save at one end, where a raised platform
of boards sustained a desk and one high office-chair. No
other seat was in the room, nor was there any lateral
window, the room being lighted from the top, so that
Justice could be in no way interested with the country
outside she could only contemplate her native heaven
through the sky-light. Behind the desk were placed a
rude shelf, where some ^^ modern instances," and old
ones too, were lying covered with dust and a gun-
rack, where some carbines with fixed bayonets were
paraded in show of authority ; so that, to an imaginative
mind, the aspect of the books and the fire-arms gave the
notion of Justice on the shelf, and Law on the rack.

But, Andy thought not of these things ; he had not



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Handy Andy 165

the imagination which sometimes gives a prisoner a
passing pleasure in catching a whimsical conceit from
his situation, and, in the midst of his anxiety, antici-
pating the satisfaction he shall have in saying a good
thing, even at the expense of his own suffering. Andy
only knew that he was locked up in the justice-room for
something he never did. He had only sense enough to
feel that he was wronged, without the spirit to wish
himself righted ; and he sauntered up and down the cold,
miserable room, anxiously waiting the arrival of "his
honour. Squire O'Grady,** to know what his fate might
be, and wondering if they would hang him for upsetting
a post-chaise in which a gentleman had been riding,
rather than brooding future means of redress for his
false imprisonment.

There was no window to look out of; he had not the
comfort of seeing a passing fellow-creature for the
sight of one's kind is a comfort. He could not even
behold the green earth and the freshness of nature,
which, though all unconsciously, has still a soothing
influence on the uncultivated mind \ he had nothing but
the walls to look at, and they were blank, save here and
there that a burnt stick in the hand of one of the young
O'Gradies emulated the art of a Sandwich Islander, and
sketched faces as grotesque as any Pagan could desire
for his idol; or figures after the old well-established
school-boy manner, which in the present day is called
Persian painting, "warranted to be taught in three
lessons." Now, this bespeaks degeneracy in the arts ;
for, in the time we write of, boys and girls acquired the
art without any lessons at all, and abundant proofs of
this intuitive talent existed on the aforesaid walls.
Napoleon and Wellington were fighting a duel, while
Nelson stood by to see fair play, he having nothing
better to do, as the battle of Trafalgar, represented in
the distance, could, of course, go oh without him. The
anachronism of jumbling Buonaparte, Wellington, and



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i66 Handy Andy

Nelson together, was a trifle amongst the O'Gradies, as
they were nearly as great proficients in history, ancient
and modern, as in the fine arts. Amidst these efforts
of genius appeared many an old rhyme, scratched with
rusty nails by rustier policemen, while lounging in the
justice-room during the proceedings of the great
O'Grady, and all these were gone over again and
again by Andy, till they were worn out, all but one
a rough representation of a man hanging.

This possessed a sort of fascination for poor Andy ;
for at last, relinquishing all others, he stood riveted
before it, and muttered to himself, " I wondher can
they hang me sure it 's no murdher I done but who
knows what witnesses they might get ? and these times
they sware mighty hard ; and Squire O'Grady has such
a pack o' blackguards about him, sure he could get any-
thmg swore he liked. Oh, wirra ! wirra ! what 'U I do
at all ! Faix ! I would n't like to be hanged oh !
look at him there just the last kick in him and a
disgrace to my poor mother into the bargain. Augh !
but it's a dirty death to die to be hung up like a
dog over a gate, or an old hat on a peg, just that-a-
way ; " and he extended his arm as he spoke, suspend-
ing his cauheen^ while he looked with disgust at the
effigy. ^^ But sure they caiCt hang me though now I
remember Squire Egan towld me long ago I 'd be hanged
some day or other. I wondher does my mother know
I 'm tuk away and Oonah, too, the craythur, would
be sorry for me. Maybe, if my mother spoke to Squire
Egan, his honour would say a good word for me :
though that would n't do ; for him and Squire O'Grady *s
bitther inimies now, though they wor once good friends.
Och hone ! sure that 's the way o' the world ; and a
cruel world it is so it is. Sure 't would be well to be
out of it a'most, and in a betther world. I hope there 's
no po'chaises in heaven ! "

The soliloquy of poor Andy was interrupted by a low.



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Handy Andy 167

measured sound of thumping, which his accustomed ear
at once distinguished to be the result of churning ; the
room in which he was confined being one of a range of
offices stretching backward from the principal building
and next door to the dairy. Andy had grown tired by
this time of his repeated contemplation of the rhymes
and sketches, his own thoughts thereon, and his long
confinement ; and now the monotonous sound of the
churn-dash falling on his ear, acted as a sort of husho^ ^
and the worried and wearied Andy at last laid down on
the platform and fell asleep to the bumping lullaby.

^ A softy monotonous chant the nurses sing to children to induce
sleep.



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CHAPTER XIII

THE sportsmen, having returned from their fishing
excursion to dinner, were seated round the
hospitable board of Squire Egan ; Murphy and Dick in
high glee, at still successfully hoodwinking Furlong, and
carrying on their mystification with infinite frolic.

The soup had been removed, and they were in the
act of enjoying the salmon, which had already given so
much enjoyment, when a loud knocking at the door
announced the arrival of some fresh guest.

^^ Did you ask any one to dinner, my dear? " inquired
Mrs. Egan of her good-humoured lord, who was the
very man to invite any friend he met in the course of
the day, and forget it after.

" No, my dear," answered the Squire. " Did you,
Dick? "said he.

Dick replied in the negative, and said he had better
go and see who it was ; for looks of alarm had been ex-
changed between him, the Squire, and Murphy, lest any
stranger should enter without being apprised of the
hoax going forward ; and Dawson had just reached the
dining-room door on his cautionary mission, when it
was suddenly thrown wide open, and in walked, with a
rapid step and bustling air, an active little gentleman
dressed in black, who was at Mrs. Egan's side in a
moment, exclaiming with a very audible voice and
much empressement of manner

" My dear Mrs. Egan, how do you do ? I am de-
lighted to see you. Took a friend's privilege, you see,
and have come unbidden to claim the hospitality of



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Handy Andy 169

your table. The fact is, I was making a sick visit to
this side of my parish ; and finding it impossible to get
home in time to my own dinner, I had no scruple in
laying yours under contribution."

Now this was the Protestant clergyman of the parish,
whose political views were in opposition to those of Mr.
Egan ; but the good hearts of both men prevented politi-
cal feeling from interfering, as in Ireland it too often
does, with the social intercourse of life. Still, however,
if Dick Dawson had got out of the room in time, this
was not the man to assist them in covering their hoax
on Furlong, and the scene became excessively ludicrous
the moment the reverend gentleman made his appear-
ance. Dick, the Squire, and Murphy, opened their eyes
at each other, while Mrs. Egan grew as red as scarlet
when Furlong stared at her in astonishment as the new-
comer mentioned her name. She stammered out wel-
come as well as she could, and called for a chair for
Mr. Bermingham, with all sorts of kind inquiries for
Mrs. Bermingham and the little Berminghams for the
Bermingham manufactory in that line was extensive.

While the reverend gentleman was taking his seat,
spreading his napkin and addressing a word to each
round the table. Furlong turned to Fanny Dawson, be-
side whom he was sitting (and who, by-the-bye, could
not resist a fit of laughter on the occasion), and said with
a bewildered look

^ Did he not addwess Madame as Mistwess Egan ? "

" Yeth," said Fanny, with admirable readiness ; " but
whithper." And as Furlong inclined his head towards
her, she whispered in his ear, ^^ You muth n't mind him
he 's mad, poor man ! that is, a litiU inthane
and thinks every lady is Mrs. Egan. An unhappy pa-
thion, poor fellow ! but quite harmleth**

Furlong uttered a very prolonged " Oh ! ** at Fanny's
answer to his inquiry, and looked sharply round the
table, for there was an indefinable something in the con*



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I70 Handy Andy

duct of every one at the moment of Mr. Bermingham's
entrance that attracted his attention, and the name
" Egan," and everybody's fidgetiness (which is the only
word I can apply), roused his suspicion. Fanny's an-r
swer only half satisfied him ; and looking at Mrs. Egan,
who could not conquer her confusion, he remarked
" How vewy wed Mistwess O'Gwady gwew ! "

*' Oh ! thee can't help bluthing, poor soul ! when he
thays * Egan ' to her, and thinks her \a%furth love."

" How vewy widiculous to be sure," said Furlong.

" Have n't you innothent mad people thumtimes in
England ? " said Fanny.

" Oh vmjy," said Furlong, " but this appea's to me so
wema'kably stwange an abbewation."

" Oh," returned Fanny, with quickness, " I thuppose
people go mad on their ruling pathion, and the ruling
pathion of the Irish, you know, is love."

The conversation all this time was going on in other
quarters, and Furlong heard Mr. Bermingham talking of
his having preached last Sunday in his new church.

" Suwcly," said he to Fanny, '* they would not pe'mit
an insane gle'gyman to pweach ? "

" Oh," said Fanny, almost suffocating with laughter,
^ he only thinkth he 's a clergyman."

" How vewy dwoU you are ! " said Furlong.

" Now you 're only quithing me," said Fanny, look-
ing with affected innocence in the face of the unfor-
tunate young gentleman she had been quizzing most
unmercifully the whole day.

" Oh, Miste' O'Gwady," said Furlong, " we saw them
going to dwown a man to-day."

"Indeed ! " said the Squire, reddening, as he saw Mr.
Bermingham stare at his being caUed O'Grady ; so, to
cover the blot, and stop Furlong, he asked him to take
wine.

" Do they often dwown people here ? " continued
Furlong, after he had bowed.



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Handy Andy 171

** Not that I know of," said the Squire.

" But are not the lowe' o'ders wather given to what
LoM Bacon calls "

** Who cares about Lord Bacon ? " said Murphy.

" My dear sir, you supwise me ! " said Furlong, in
utter amazement. ^^ Lord Bacon's sayings "

" Ton my conscience," said Murphy, " both himself
and his sayings are very rusty by this time."

"Oh, I see, Miste' Muffy. You neve' will be
sewious."

** Heaven forbid ! " said Murphy " at least at dinner,
or afier dinner. Seriousness is only a morning amuse-
ment it makes a very poor figure in the evening."

" By-the-bye," said Mr. Bermingham, " talking of
drowning, I heard a very odd story to-day from O'Grady.
You and he, I believe," said the clergyman, addressing
Egan, " are not on as good terms as you were."

At this speech Furlong did rather open his eyes, the
Squire hummed and hawed. Murphy coughed, Mrs.
Egan looked into her plate, and Dick, making a desper-
ate rush to the rescue, asked Furlong which he pre-
ferred, a single or a double barrelled gun.

Mr. Bermingham, perceiving the sensation his ques-
tion created, thought he had touched upon forbidden
ground, and therefore did not repeat his question, and
Fanny whispered Furlong that one of the stranger's mad
peculiarities was mistaking one person for another \ but
all this did not satisfy Furlong, whose misgivings as to
the real name of his host were growing stronger every
moment. At last, Mr. Bermingham, without alluding
to the broken friendship between Egan and O'Grady,
returned to the " odd story " he had heard that morning
about drowning.

" 'T is a strange affeir," said he, " and our side of the
country is all alive about it. A gentleman who was ex-
pected from Dublin last night at Neck-or-Nothing Hall,
arrived, as it is ascertained, at the village, and thence



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172 Handy Andy

took a post-chaise, since which time he has not been
heard of ; and as a post-chaise was discovered this morn-
ing sunk in the river, close by Ballysloughgutthery
bridge, it is suspected the gentleman has been drowned
either by accident or design. The postilion is in con-
finement on suspicion, and O'Grady has written to the
Castle about it to-day, for the gentleman was a govern-
ment agent."

Why, sir," said Furlong, " that must be me ! "

You^ sir ! " said Mr. Bermingham, whose turn it was
to be surprised now.

" Yes, sir," said Furlong, " I took a post-chaise at the
village last night, and I 'm an agent of the gove'ment."

" But you 're not drowned, sir and he was," said
Bermingham.

To be su'e I 'm not dwowned ; but I *m the pe'son."

" Quite impossible, sir," said Mr. Bermingham.
" You can't be the person."

'' Why, sir, do you expect to pe'suade me out of my
own identity ! "

" Oh," said Murphy, '* there will be no occasion to
prove identity till the body is found, and the coroner's
inquest sits \ that 's the law, sir at least, in Ireland."

Furlong's bewildered look at the unblushing impu-
dence of Murphy was worth anything. While he was
dumb from astonishment, Mr. Bermingham, with marked
politeness, said, ^^ Allow me, sir, for a moment to ex-
plain to you. You see, it could not be you, for the gen-
tleman was going to Mr. O'Grady's."

"Well, sir," said Furlong, "and here I am."

The wide stare of the two men as they looked at each
other was killing ; and while Furlong's face was turned
towards Mr. Bermingham, Fanny caught the clergy-
man's eye, tapped her forehead with the fore-finger of
her right hand, shook her head, and turned up her eyes
with an expression of pity, to indicate that Furlong was
not quite right in his mind.



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Handy Andy 173

^^ Oh, I beg pardon, sir/* said Mr. Bermingham. ^^ I
see it 's a mistake of mine."

''There certainly is a vcwy gweat mistake some-
where," said Furlong, who was now bent on a very
direct question. "Pway, Miste' O'Gwady," said he,
addressing Egan, " that is, if you are Miste' O'Gwady,
will you tell me, art you Miste' O'Gwady ? "

'* Sir," said the Squire, " you have chosen to call me
O'Grady ever since you came here, but my name is
Egan."

''What! the member for the county?" cried
Furlong, horrified.

" Yes," said the Squire, laughing ; " do you want a
frank?"

" *T will save your friends postage," said Dick,
" when you write to them to say you 're safe."

" Miste' W^n," said Furloi^, with an attempt at
offended dignity, "I conside' myself vewy ill used."

" You 're the first man I ever heard of being ill used
at Merryvale House," said Murphy.

" Sir, it 's a gwievous w*ong ! "

" What h all this about ? " asked Mr. Bermingham.

" My dear friend," said the Squire, laughing though,
indeed, that was not peculiar to him^ for every one
round the table, save the victim, was doing the same
thing (as for Fanny, she shouted)^ " My dear friend,
this gentleman came to my house last night, and / took
him for a friend of Moriarty's, whom I have been
expecting for some days. He thought, it appears, this
was Neck-or-Nothing Hall, and thus a mutual mistake
has arisen. All I can say is, that you are most welcome,
Mr. Furlong, to the hospitality of this house as long as
you please."

" But, sir, you should not have allowed me to wemain
in you' house," said Furlong.

" That 's a doctrine," said the Squire, " in which you
will find it difficult to make an Irish host coincide."



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174 Handy Andy



^^ But you must have known, sir, that it was not my
intention to come to your house."

" How could I know that, sir ? " said the Squire,
jocularly.

" Why, Miste' W^an you know that is in
fact confound it, sir ! " said Furlong, at last, losing
his temper, ^^ you know I told you all about our elec-
tioneering tactics."

A loud laugh was all the response Furlong received
to this outbreak.

" Well, sir," repeated he, *' I pwotest it is extremely
unfair."

" You know, my dear sir," said Dick, " we Irish are
such poor ignorant creatures^ according to your own
account, that we can make no use of the knowledge
with which you have so generously supplied us."

"You know," said the Squire, '*we have no real
finesse."

"Sir," said Furlong, growing sulky, "there is a
certain finesse that is /air ^ and another that is unfair
and I pwotest against "

" Pooh, pooh ! " said Murphy. " Never mind trifles.
Just wait till to-morrow, and I *11 show you even better
salmon-fishing than you had to-day."

" Sir, no consideration would make me wemain
anothe' wower in this house."

Murphy screwed his lips together, puffed out some-
thing between a whistle and the blowing out of a
candle, and ventured to suggest to Furlong he had
better wait even a couple of hours, till he had got his
allowance of claret. '* Remember the adage, sir, ' In
vino Veritas^* and we *11 tell you all our electioneering
secrets after we*ve had enough wine."

" As soon, Miste* W^n," said Mr. Furlong, quite
chapfallen, " as you can tell me how I can get to the
house to which I intended to go, I will be weddy to bid
you good evening."



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Handy Andy 175

" If you arc determined, Mr. Furlong, to remain here
no longer, I shall not press my hospitality upon you ;
whenever you decide upon going, my carriage shall be
at your service.**

" The soone* the bette', sir," said Furlong, retreating
still further into a cold and sulky manner.

The Squire made no further attempt to conciliate
him ; he merely said, " Dick, ring the bell. Pass the
claret. Murphy."

The bell was rung the claret passed a servant
entered, and orders were given by the Squire that the
carriage should be at the door as soon as possible. In
the interim, Dick Dawson, the Squire, and Murphy,
laughed as if nothing had happened, and Mrs. Egan
conversed in an under-tone with Mr. Bermingham.
Fanny looked mischievous, and Furlong kept his hand
on the foot of his glass, and shoved it about something
in the fashion of an uncertain chess-player, who does
not know where to put the piece on which he has laid
his filler.

The carriage was soon announced, and Mrs. Egan,
as Furlong seemed so anxious to go, rose from table ;
and as she retired, he made her a cold and formal bow.
He attempted a tender look and soft word to Fanny
for Furlong, who thought himself a heau garfon^ had
been playing off his attraaions upon her all day, but
the mischievously meriy Fanny Dawson, when she
caught the sheepish eye, and heard the mumbled gallan-
try of the Castle Adonis, could not resist a titter, which
obliged her to hide her dimpling cheek and pearly teeth
in her handkerchief, as she passed to the door. The
ladies being gone, the Squire asked Furlong, would he
not have some more wine before he went.

*' No, thank you, Miste' Wegan," replied he, " after
being twicked in the manner that a "

**Mr. Furlong," said the Squire, *'you have said
quite enough about that. When you came into my



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176 Handy Andy

house last night, sir, I had no intention of practising
any joke upon you. You should have had the hospi-
tality of an Irishman's house, without the consequence
that has followed, had you not indulged in sneering at
the Irishman's country, which, to your shame be it
spoken, is your own. You vaunted your own superior
intelligence and finesse over us, sir; and told us you
came down to overthrow poor Pat in the trickery of
electioneering movements. Under these circumstances,
sir, I think what we have done is quite fair. We have
shown you that you are no match for us in the finesse
upon which you pride yourself so much ; and the next
time you talk of your countrymen, and attempt to
undervalue them, just remember how you have been
outwitted at Merryvale House. Good evening, Mr.
Furlong, I hope we part without owing each other any
ill-will." The Squire offered his hand, but Furlong
drew up, and amidst such expletives as ^^weally," and
^^ I must say," he at last made use of the word
" atwocious."

'' What 's that you say ? " said Dick. ' You don't
speak very plain, and I 'd like to be sure of the last
word you used."

'' I mean to say that a " and Furlong, not much

liking the tone of Dick's question, was humming and
hawing a sort of explanation of what ^ he meant to
say," when Dick thus interrupted him

^^ I tell you this, Mr. Furlong ; all that has been
done is my doing I 've humbugged you, sir, hum--
bugged. I 've sold you dead. I 've pumped you,
sir all your electioneering bag of tricks, bribery and
all, exposed ; and now go off to O'Grady, and tell him
how the poor ignorant Irish have done you; and see,
Mr. Furlong," in a quiet under-tone, " if there 's any-
thing that either he or you don't like about the business,
you shall have any satisfaction you like, and as often as
you please."



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Handy Andy 177

** I shall considi of that, sir," said Furlong, as he left
the bouse, and entered the carriage, where he threw
himself back in offended dignity, and soliloquised vows
of vengeance. But the bumping of the carriage over
a rough road disturbed the pleasing reveries of revenge,
to awaken him to the more probable and less agreeable
consequences likely to occur to himself for the blunder
he had made ; for, with all the puppy's self-sufficiency
and conceit, he could not by any process of mental
delusion conceal from himself the fact that he had been
most tremendously done^ and how his party would take
it was a serious consideration. O'Grady, another
horrid Irish squire how should he &ce him f For
a moment he thought it better to go back to Dublin,
and he pulled the check-string the carriage stopped
down went the front glass. '' I say, coachman.''

" I *m not the coachman, sir."

" Well, whoever you are "

"I'm the groom only, sir; for the coachman
was "

" Sir, I don't want to know who you are, or about
your aflairs ; I want you to listen to me caw rCt you
listen ? "

"Yes, sir."

" Well, then dwive to the village."

" I thought it was to the Hall I was to dhrive, sir."

" Do what you 're told, sir the village ! "

"What village, sir?" asked Mat, the groom, who
knew well enough, but from Furlong's impertinence did
not choose to understand anything gratuitously.

" Why the village I came from yeste'day."

" What village was that, sir ? "

" How stoopid you are ! the village the mail
goes to."

"Sure the mail goes to all the villages in Ireland,
sir."

" You pwovoking blockhead ! Good Heavens, how

VOL. I. 13



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178 Handy Andy

stoopid you Iwish are ! the village that leads to
Dublin/^

^ 'Faith they all lead to Dublin, sir."

" Confound you you must know ! the posting
village, you know that is, not the post town, if you
know what a post town is."

^To be sure I do, sir where they sell blankets,
you mane."

"No no no! I want to go to the village
where they keep post-chaises now you know."

** Faix, they have po'chayses in all the villages here ;
there 's no betther accommodation for man or baste in
the world than here, sir."

Furlong was mute from downright vexation, till his
rage got vent in an oath, another denunciation of Irish
stupidity, and at last a declaration that the driver must
know the village.

" How would I know it, sir, when you don't know
it yourself ? " asked the groom ; ^^ I suppose it has a
name to it, and if you tell me that, I'll dhrive you
there hsi enough."

^I cannot wemember your howwid names here it
is a Bal, or Bally, or some such gibbewish "

Mat would not be enlightened.

"Is there not Bal or Bally something ? "

" Oh, a power o' Bailies, sir 5 there 's Ballygash, and

Ballyslash, and Ballysmish, and Ballysmash, and "

so went on Mat, inventing a string of Bailies, till he
was stopped by the enraged Furlong.

" None o' them ! none o' them ! " exclaimed he, in a
fury ; *' 't is something about ' dirt ' or * mud.' "

" Maybe 't would be gutther^ sir," said Mat, who saw
Furlong was near the mark, and he thought he might as
well make a virtue of telling him.

'' I believe you 're right," said Furlong.

" Then it is Ballysloughguttheiy you want to go to.



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Handy Andy 179

^That's the name!" said Furlong, snappishly ;
^ dwive tbert ! ** and, hastily pulling up the glass, he
threw himself back again in the carriage. Another
troubled vision of what the secretary would say came
across him, and, after ten minutes', balancing the ques-
tion, and trembling at the thoughts of an official blowing
up, he thought he had better even venture on an Irish
squire ; so the check-string was again pulled, and the
glass hastily let down.

Mat halted. "Yes, sir," said Mat.

"I think I've changed my mind dwive to the
Hall!"

" I wish you 'd towld me, sir, before I took the last
turn we 're nigh a mile towards the village now."

"No matte', sir!" said Furlong; "dwive where I
tell you."

Up went the glass again, and Mat turned round the
horses and carriage with some difficulty in a narrow
by-road.

Another vision came across the bewildered fancy of
Furlong: the certainty of the fuiy of O'Grady the
immediate contempt as well as anger attendant on his
being bamboozled and the result at last being the
same in drawing down the secretary*s anger. This
produced another change of intention, and he let down
the glass for the third time once more changed his
orders as concisely as possible, and pulled it up again.
All this time Mat was laughing internally at the bewil-
derment of the stranger, and as he turned round the
carriage again he muttered to himself, "By this and
that, you 're as hard to dhrive as a pig ; for you 'U neither
go one road nor th' other." He had not proceeded far,
when Furlong determined to face O'Grady instead of
the Castle, and the last and final order for another
turnabout was given. Mat hardly suppressed an oath ;
but respect for his master stopped him. The glass of
the carriage was not pulled up this time, and Mat was



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i8o Handy Andy



asked a few questions about the Hall, and at last about
the Squire. Now Mat had acuteness enough to fathom
the cause of Furlong's indecision, and determined to
make him as unhappy as he could; therefore to the
question of " What sort of a man the Squire was ? *'
Mat, re-echoing the question, replied *' What sort of
a man, sir ? 'Faith, he 's not a man at all, sir, he 's the
devU."

Furlong pulled up the glass, and employed the in-
terval between Mat's answer and reaching the Hall in
making up his mind as to how he should ^face the
deva."

The carriage, after jolting for some time over a rough
road skirted by a high and ruinous wall, stopped before
a gateway that had once been handsome, and Furlong
was startled by the sound of a most thundering bell,
which the vigorous pull of Mat stimulated to its utmost
pitch ; the baying of dogs which followed was terrific.
A savage-looking gatekeeper made his appearance with
a light not in a lantern, but shaded with his Uttered
hat; many questions and answers ensued, and at last
the gate was opened. The carriage proceeded up a
very ragged avenue, stopped before a lai^e rambling sort
of building, which even moonlight could exhibit to be
very much out of repair, and after repeated knocking at
the door ^for Mat knew bis squire and the other squire
were not friends now, and that he might be impudent),
the door was unchained and unbarred, and Furlong
deposited in Neck-or-Nothing Hall.



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CHAPTER XIV

** Such is the custom of Branksome Hall/*

Lay of the Last Minstrel,

NECK-OR-NOTHING HALL

CANTO I

Ten good nights and ten good days
It would take to tell thy ways.
Various, many, and amazing :
Neck-or-Nothing bangs all praising.
Wonders great and wonders small
Are found in Neck-or-Nothing Hall.

Racing rascals of ten a twain,

Who care not a rush for hail nor rain,

Messages swiftly to go or to come,

Or duck a taxman or harry a bum,i

Or clip a server," did blithely lie

In the stable parlour next to the sky *

Dinners, save chance ones, seldom had they.

Unless they could nibble their beds of hay ;

But the less they got, they were hardier all

'T was the custom of Neck-or-Nothing Hall.

One lord there sat in that terrible hall.

Two ladies came at his terrible call,

One his mother and one his wife.

Each afraid of her separate life j

Three girls who trembled four boys who shook

Five times a day at his lowering look,

1 A ^cetious phrase for bailiff, so often kicked.

* Cutting off the ears of a process-server.

Hayloft.



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i82 Handy Andy

Six blunderbuses in goodly show,
Seven horse-pistols were rang^ed below,
Eight domestics, great and small.
In idlesse did nothing but curse them all \
Nine state beds, where no one slept
Ten for family use were kept ;
Dogs eleven with bums to make free.
With a bold thirteen i in the treasury
(Such its numerical strength, I guess
It can*t be more, but it may be less).
Tar-barrels new and feathers old
Are ready, I trow, for the caitiff bold

Who dares to invade

The stormy shade

Of the grim O' Grade,
In his hunting hold.

When the iron tongue of the old gate bell
Doth summon the growling grooms from cell.

Through cranny and crook

They peer and they look.
With guns to send the intruders to heaven.*
But when passwords pass
That might ** serve a mass,**
Then bars are drawn and chains let fall.
And you get into Neck-or-Nothing HalL



CANTO U

And never a doubt

But when you are in,

If you love a whole skin,

I Ml wager (and win)
You *11 be glad to get out.

Dr, Grotvling^s Metrical Romamce,

The bird*s-cye view which the doctor's peep from
Parnassus has afforded, may furnish the imagination of
the reader with materials to create in his own mind

^ A shilling, so called from its being worth thirteen pence in
those da3r8.

* This is not the word in the MS.

* Serving mass occupies about twenty-five minutes.



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Handy Andy 183

a vague yet not unjust notion of Neck-or-Nothing Hall ;
but certain details of the Hall itself, its inmates and its
customs, may be desired by the matter-of-fact reader or
the more minutely curious, and as the author has the
difficult task before him of trying to please all tastes,
something more definite is required.

The Hall itself was, as we have said, a rambling sort
of structure. Ramifying from a solid centre, which
gave the notion of a founder well to do in the world,
additions, without any architectural pretensions to fitness,
were stuck on here and there, as whim or necessity sug-
gested or demanded, and a most incongruous mass of
gables, roofs, and chimneys, odd windows and blank
walls, was the consequence. According to the circum-
stances of the occupants who inherited the property, the
building was either increased or neglected. A certain
old bachelor, for example, who in the course of events
inherited the property, had no necessity for nurses,
nursery-maids, and their consequent suite of apartments;
and as he never aspired to the honour of matrimony,
the ball-room, the drawing-room, and extra bed-chambers
were n^lected ; but being a fox-hunter, a new kennel
and range of stables were built, the dining-room en-
laiged, and all the ready money he could get at spent in
augmenting the plate, to keep pace with the racing-cups
he won, and proudly displayed at his drinking-bouts;
and when he died suddenly (broke his neck), the plate
was seized at the suit of his wine-merchant ; and as the
heir next in succession got the property in a ruinous
condition, it was impossible to keep a stud of horses
along with a wife and a large family, so the stables
and kennel went to decay, while the ladies and family
apartments could only be patched up. When the house
was dilapidated, the grounds about it, of course, were ill
kept. Fine old trees were there, originally intended to
afFord shade to walks which were so n^lected as to be
no more walkable than any other part of the grounds ^



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i84 Handy Andy

the vista of aspiring stems indicated where an avenue had
been, but neither hoe nor rolling-stone had, for many a
year, checked the growth of grass or weed. So much
for the outside of the house : now for the inside.

That had witnessed many a thoughtless, expensive,
headlong and irascible master, but never one more so
than the present owner; added to which, he had the
misfortune of being unpopular. Other men, thought-
less, and headlong, and irritable as he, have lived and
had friends ; but there was something about O'Grady
that was felt, perhaps, more than it could be defined,
which made him unpleasing perhaps the homely
phrase ^^ cross-grained " may best express it, and
O'Grady was essentially a cross-grained man. The
estate, when he got it, was pretty heavily saddled, and
the *' galled jade " did not " wince " the less for his
riding.

A good jointure to his mother was chargeable on the
property, and this was an excuse on all occasions for
the Squire's dilatory payment in other quarters. " Sir,"
he would say, *' my mother's jointure is sacred it is
more than the estate can well bear, it is true, but it is
a sacred claim, and I would sooner sacrifice my life, my
honour^ sir, than see that claim n^lected ! " Now all
this sounded mighty fine, but his mother could never see
her jointure regularly paid, and was obliged to live in
the house with him : she was somewhat of an oddity^
and had apartments to herself, and, as long as she was
let alone, and allowed to read romances in quiet, did
not complain ; and whenever a stray ten-pound note d
fall into her hands, she gave the greater part of it to her
younger grand-daughter, who was fond of flowers and
plants, and supported a little conservatory on her grand-
mother's bounty, she paying the tribute of a bouquet to
the old lady when the state of her botanical prosperity
could afFord it. The eldest girl was a favourite of an
uncle, and her passion being dogs, all the presents her



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Handy Andy 185

uncle made her in money were converted into canine
curiosities \ while the youngest girl took an interest in
the rearing of poultry. Now the boys, varying in age
from eight to fourteen, had their separate favourites too
one loved bull-dogs 'and terriers, another game-cocks,
the third ferrets, and the fourth rabbits and pigeons.
These multifarious tastes produced strange results. In
the house, flowers and plants, indicating refinement of
taste and costliness, were strongly contrasted with
broken plaster, soiled hangings, and faded paint ; an
expensive dog might be seen lapping cream out of a
shabby broken plate ; a never-ending sequence of wars
raged among the dependent favourites, the buU-dogs and
terriers chopping up the ferrets, the ferrets killing the
game-cocks, the game-cocks killing the tame poultry
and rabbits, and the rabbits destroying the garden, as-
sisted by the flying reserve of pigeons. It was a sort of
Irish retaliation, so amusingly exemplified in the nurseiy
jingle

The water began to quench the fire^
The fire began to burn the stick.
The stick began to beat the dog.
The dog began to bite the kid.

In the midst of all these distinct and clashing tastes,
that of Mrs. O'Grady (the wife) must not be forgotten ;
her weak point was a feather bed. Good soul ! anxious
that whoever slept under her roof should lie softly, she
would go to the farthest comer of the county to secure an
accession to her favourite property and such a col-
lection of luxurious feather beds never was seen in com*
pany with such rickety bedsteads and tattered and
mildewed curtains, in rooms uncarpeted, whose paper was
dropping off the wall, well might it be called paper-
hanging indeed ! whose washing-tables were of deal,
and whose delf was of the plainest ware, and even that
minus sundry handles and spouts. Nor was the re^



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i86 Handy Andy

nowned O'Grady without his hobby, too. While the
various members of his family were thwarting each
other, his master-mischief was thwarting them all \ like
some wicked giant looking down on a squabble of
dwarfs, and ending the fight by kicking them all right
and left. Then he had bU troop of pets too idle
blackguards who were slingeing* about the place eter-
nally, keeping up a sort of ^^ cordon sanitaire," to prevent
the pestilential presence of a bailiff, which is so catching,
and turns to jail fever, a disease which had been fatal in
the family. O'Grady never ventured beyond his domain
except on the back of a fleet horse there he felt se-
cure \ indeed, the place he most dreaded l^al assault in
was his own house, where he apprehended trickery might
invade him : a carriage might be but a feint, and hence
the great circumspection in the opening of doors.

From the nature of the establishment, thus hastily
sketched, the reader will see what an ill-regulated jumble
it was. The master, in difficulties, had disorderly people
hanging about his place for his personal security ; from
these very people his boys picked up the love of dog-
fights, cock-fights, &c. \ and they, from the fights of
their pets, fought amongst themselves, and were always
fighting with their sisters ; so the reader will see the
" metrical romance " was not overcharged in its rhymes
on Neck-or-Nothing Hall.

When Furlong entered the hall, he gave his name to
a queer-looking servant with wild scrubby hair, a dirty
face, a tawdry livery, worse for wear, which had mani-
festly been made for a larger man, and hung upon its
present possessor like a coat upon a clothes-horse ; his
cotton stockings, meant to be white, and clumsy shoes,
meant to be black, met each other half-way, and split the
difference in a pleasing neutral tint. Leaving Furlong
standing in the hall, he clattered up-stairs, and a dialogue
ensued between master and man so loud that Furlong
^ An Hibemicism, expressive of lounging laziness.



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Handy Andy 187

could hear the half of it, and his own name in a tone of
doubt, with that of '* Egan," in a tone of surprise, and
that of his ^ sable majesty " in a tone of anger, rapidly
succeeded one another; then such broken words and
sentences as these ensued ** fudge ! humbug ! ras-
cally trick ! eh ! by the hokey, they 'd better take
care ! put the scoundrel under the pump ! "

Furlong more than half suspected it was to him this
delicate attention was intended, and began to feel uncom-
fortable : he sharpened his ears to their keenest hearing,
but there was a lull in the conversation, and he could
ascertain one of the gentler sex was engaged in it by the
ogre-like voice uttering, ** Fudge, woman ! fiddle-de-
dee ! " Then he caught the words, " perhaps," and
^^ gentleman," in a lady's voice ; then out thundered
** that rascal's carriage ! why come in that ? friend !
humbug ! rascal's carriage ! tar and feather him,
by this and that ! "

Furlong began to feel very uncomfortable ; the con-
versation ended ; down came the servant, to whom Fur-
long was about to address himself, when the man said,
^ He would be with him in a minit," and vanished ; a
sort of reconnoitering party, one by one, then passed
through the hall, eyeing the stranger very suspiciously,
any of them to whom Furlong ventured a word scurrying
off in double-quick time. For an instant he meditated
a retreat, and, looking to the door, saw a heavy chain
across it, the pattern of which must have been had from
Newgate. He attempted to un&sten it, and as it clanked
heavily, the ogre's voice from up-stairs bellowed, " Who
the d 1 's that opening the door ? " Furlong's hand
dropped from the chain, and a low growling went on
up the staircase. The servant whom he first saw
returned.

^ I fear," said Furlong, ** there is some misappwehen-
sion."

*^ A what, sir f "



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i88 Handy Andy

" A misappwehension.**

^^ Oh, no, sir ! it 's only a mistake the master thought
you might be making ; he thinks you mistuk the house,
maybe, sir f "

"Oh, no I wather think he mistakes me. Will
you do me the favo','' and he produced a packet of
papers as he spoke " the favo' to take my cwedentials
to Mr. O'Gwady, and if he throws his eye over these
pape's "

At the word *^ papers," there was a shout from above,
*' Don't touch them, you thief, don't touch them !
another blister, ha ! ha ! By the 'ternal this and that,
I '11 have him in the horse-pond ! " A heavy stamp-
ing overhead ensued, and furious ringing of bells; in the
midst of the din, a veiy pale lady came down-stairs, and
pointing the way to a small room, beckoned Furlong to
follow her. For a moment he hesitated, for his heart
misgave him ; but shame at the thought of doubting or
refusing the summons of a lady overcame his fear, and
he followed to a little parlour, where mutual explanations
between Mrs. O'Grady and himself, and many mes-
sages, questions, and answers, which she carried up
and down stairs, at length set Furlong's mind at ease
respecting his personal safety, and findly admitted him
into the presence of the truculent lord of the castle
who, when he heard that Furlong had been staying in
the enemy's camp, was not, it may be supposed, in a
sweet temper to receive him. O'Grady looked thun-
der as Furlong entered, and eyeing him keenly for some
seconds, as if he were taking a mental as well as an
ocular measurement of him, he saluted him with

" Well, sir, a pretty kettle of fish you 've made of
this. I hope you have not blabbed much about our
aflEairs ? "

u Why, I weally don't know I'm not sure that
is, I won't be positive, because when one is thwown off
his guard, you know "



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Handy Andy 189

^ Pooh, sir ! a man should never be off his guard in an
election. But how the d 1, sir, could you make such a
thundering mistake as to go to the wrong house ? "

"It was a howwid postilion, Miste' O'Gwady."

** The scoundrel ! " exclaimed O'Grady, stamping up
and down the room.

At this moment, a tremendous crash was heard ; the
ladies jumped from their seats ; O'Grady paused in his
rage, and his poor, pale wife exclaimed

" 'T is in the conservatory."

A universal rush was now made to the spot, and there
was Handy Andy, buried in the ruins of flower-pots and
exotics, directly under an enormous breach in the glass
roof of the building. How this occurred a few words
will explain. Andy, when he went to sleep in the
justice-room, slept soundly for some hours, but awoke
in the horrors of a dream, in which he fancied he was
about to be hanged. So impressed was he by the vision,
that he determined on making his escape if he could,
and to this end piled the chair upon the desk, and the
volumes of law books on the chair, and, being an active
fellow, contrived to scramble up high enough to lay his
hand on the frame of the sky-light, and thus make his
way out on the roof. Then walking, as well as the
darkness would permit him, along the coping of the
wall, he approached, as it chanced, the conservatory ;
but the coping being loose, one of the flags turned
under And/s foot, and bang he went through the glass
roof, carrying down in his fall some score of flower-pots,
and finally stuck in a tub, with his legs upwards, and
embowered in the branches of crushed geraniums and
hydrangeas.

He was dragged out of the tub, amidst a shower of
curses from O'Grady ; but the moment Andy recovered
the few senses he had, and saw Furlong, regardless of
the anathemas of the Squire, he shouted out, *' There he
is 1 there he is ! " and rushing towards him, exclaimed.



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190 Handy Andy



" Now, did I dhrowned you, sir, did I ? Sure, 1
never murdhered you ! "

'Twas as much as could be done to keep 0'Grady*s
hands off Andy, for smashing the conservatory, when
Furlong's presence made him no longer liable to
imprisonment.

"Maybe he has a vote," said Furlong, anxious to
display how much he was on the qui vive in election
matters.

" Have you a vote, you rascal ? "

" You may sarche me if you like, your honour," said
Andy, who thought a vote was some sort of property
he was suspected of stealing.

"You are either the biggest rogue or the biggest
fool I ever met," said O'Grady. "Which are you
now ? "

" Whichever your honour plazes," said Andy.

"If I forgive you, will you stand by me at the
election ? "

"1*11 stand anywhere your honour bids me," said
Andy humbly.

" That 's a thorough-going rogue, I 'm inclined to
think," said O'Grady, aside to Furlong.

^^ He looks more like a fool in my appwehension,"
was the reply.

" Oh, these fellows conceal the deepest roguery
sometimes under an assumed simplicity. You don't
understand the Irish."

" Und'stand ! " exclaimed Furlong ; " I pwonounce
the whole countwy quite incompwhensible ! "

"Well!" growled O'Grady to Andy, after a mo-
ment's consideration, "go down to the kitchen, you
house-breaking vagabond, and get your supper ! "

Now, considering the " fee, faw, fum " qualities of
O'Grady, the reader may be surprised at the easy
manner in which Andy slipped through his fingers, after
having slipped through the roof of his conservatory ;



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Handy Andy 191

but as between two stools folks fall to the ground, so
between two rages people sometimes tumble into safety.
O'Grady was in a divided passion first his wrath was
excited against Furlong for his blunder, and just as that
was about to explode, the crash of Andy's sudden
appearance amidst the flower-pots (like a practical
parody on "Love among the roses") called oflF the
gathering storm in a new direction, and the fury suffi-
cient to annihilate one, was, by dispersion, harmless to
two. But on the return of the party from the conser-
vatory, after Andy's descent to the kitchen, O'Grady's
rage against Furlong, though moderated, had settled
down into a very substantial dissatisfaction, which he
evinced by poking his nose between his forefinger and
thumb, as if he meditated the abstraction of that salient
feature from his face, shuffling his feet about, throwing
his right leg over his left knee, and then suddenly, as if
that were a mistake, throwing his left over the right,
thrumming on the arm of his chair, with his clenched
hand, inhaling the air very audibly through his protruded
lips, as if he were supping hot soup, and all the time
fixing his eyes on the fire with a portentous gaze, as if
he would have evoked from it a salamander.

Mrs. O'Grady in such a state of afllairs, wishing to
speak to the stranger, yet anxious she should say nothing
that could bear upon immediate circumstances lest she
might rouse her awful lord and master, racked her in-
vention for what she should say; and at last, with
"bated breath" and a very worn-out smile, faltered
forth

** Pray, Mr. Furlong, are you fond of shuttlecock ? **

Furlong stared, and began a reply of " Weally, I
caw rCt say that ^"

When O'Grady gruffly broke in with, "You'd
better ask him, does he love teetotum."

" I thought you could recommend me the best estab-
lishment in the metropolis, Mr. Furlong, for buying



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192 Handy Andy

shuttlecocks,'* continued the lady, unmindful of the
interruption.

" You had better ask him where you can get mouse-
traps," growled O'Grady.

Mrs. O'Grady was silent, and O'Grady, whose rage
had now assumed its absurd form of tagging changes,
continued, increasing his growl, like a crescendo on the
double-bass, as he proceeded : " You 'd better ask,
I think mouse-traps steel-tmps clap-traps rat-
traps rattle-traps rattle-snakes ! "

Furlong stared, Mrs. O'Grady was silent, and the
Misses O'Grady cast fearful sidelong glances at " Pa,"
whose strange irritation always bespoke his not being in
what good people call a ^^ sweet state of mind ; " he laid
hold of a tea-spoon, and began beating a tattoo on the
mantel-piece to a low smothered whistle of some very
obscure tune, which was suddenly stopped to say to
Furlong, very abruptly

"SoEgan diddled you?"

" Why, he certainly, as I conceive, pwactised, or I
might say, in short he a in fact "

" Oh, yes," said O'Grady, cutting short Furlong's
humming and hawing ; ^^ oh, yes, I know diddled
you."

Bang went the spoon again, keeping time with an-
other string of nonsense. ^^ Diddled you diddle,
diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the
moon who was there ? "

" A Mister Dawson."

*' Phew ! " ejaculated O'Grady with a doleful whistle ;
^^ Dick the devil ! You are in nice hands ! All up
with us up with us

Up, up, up.

And here we go down, down, down, down, derry down I

Oh, murther ! " and the spoon went faster than before.
" Any one else ? "



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Handy Andy 193

** Mister Bermingham."

" Benningham ! " exclaimed O'Grady.

** A cle'gyman, I think," drawled Furlong.

** Benningham ! " reiterated O'Grady. " What busi-
ness has he there, and be ! " O'Grady swallowed

a curse when he remembered he was a clergyman.
" The enemy's camp not his principles ! Oh, Ber-
mingham, Bermingham, Bnmmagem, Brummagem,
Sheffield, Wolverhampton Murther ! Any one else ?
Was Durfy there?"

" No," said Furlong ; " but there was an odd pe'son,
whose name wymes to his as you seem fond of
wymes. Mister O'Gwady."

" What ! " said O'Grady, quickly, and fixing his eyes
on Furlong ; " Murphy ? "

"Yes. Miste' Muffy."

O'Grady gave a more doleful whistle than before,
and banging the spoon faster than ever, exclaimed again,
" Murphy ! then I 'U tell you what it is ; do you see
that ? " and he held up the spoon before Furlong, who,
being asked the same question several times, confessed
he did see the spoon. " Then I '11 tell you what it is,"
said O'Grady again, " I would n't give you that for the
election;" and, with a disdainful jerk, he threw the
spoon into the fire, after which he threw himself back
in his chair with an appearance of repose, while he
glanced fiercely up at the ceiling, and indulged in a very
low whistle indeed. One of the girls stole softly round
to the fire and gently took up the tongs to recover the
spoon; it made a slight rattle, and her father turned
smartly round, and said, "Can't you let the fire alone?
there 's coal enough on it ; the devil burn 'em all
Egan, Murphy, and all o' them ! What do you stand
there for, with the tongs in your hands, like a hairdresser,
or a stuck pig ? I tell you, I 'm as hot as a lime-kiln ;
go out o* that."

The daughter retired, and the spoon was left to its

VOL. L 13



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194 Handy Andy

fate \ the ladies did not dare to utter a word \ O'Grady
continued his gaze on the ceiling and his whistle \ and
Furlong, veiy uncomfortable and much more astonished,
after sitting in silence for some time, thought a retreat
the best move he could make, and intimated his wish to
retire.

Mrs. O'Grady gently suggested it was yet early;
which Furlong acknowledged, but pleaded his extreme
fatigue after a day of great exertion.

" I suppose you were canvassing," said O'Grady, with
a wicked grin.

^^ Ce'tainly not ; they could sca'cely pwesume on such
a thing as that, I should think, in my pwesence."

" Then what fatigued you ? eh ? "

" Salmon-fishing, sir."

" What ! " exclaimed O'Grady, opening his fierce
eyes, and turning suddenly round. "Salmon-fishing!
Where the d 1 were you salmon-fishing?"

" In the wiver, close by here."

The ladies now all stared ; but Furlong advanced a
vehement assurance, in answer to their looks of wonder,
that he had taken some very fine salmon indeed.

The girls could not suppress their laughter; and
O'Grady, casting a look of mingled rage and contempt
on the fisherman, merely uttered the ejaculation, " Oh,
Moses!" and threw himself back in his chair; but
starting up a moment after, he rang the bell violently.
" What do you want, my dear ? " said his poor wife,
venturing to lift her eyes, and speaking in the humblest
tone " what do you want ? "

" Some broiled bones ! " said O'Grady, very much like
an ogre ; " I want something to settle my stomach after
what I 've heard, for, by the powers of ipecacuanha, 't is
enough to make a horse sick sick, by the powers !
shivering all over like a dog in a wet sack. I must
have broiled bones and hot punch ! "

The servant entered, and O'Grady swore at him for



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Handy Andy 195

not coming sooner, though he was really expeditious in
his answer to the bell.

** Confound your lazy bones ; you 're never in time.*'

" 'Deed, sir ; I came the minit I heerd the bell."

'* Hold your tongue ! who bid you talk ? The
devil fly away with you ! and you '11 never go fast till
he does. Make haste now go to the cook"

"Yes, sir."

** Curse you ! can't you wait till you get your mes-
sage ? Go to the devil with you ! get some broiled
bones hot water and tumblers don't forget the
whisky and pepper them well. Mind, hot every-
thing hot screeching hot. Be off, now, and make
haste mind, make haste ! "

"Yes, sir," said the servant, whipping out of the
room with celerity, and thanking Heaven when he had
the door between him and his savage master. When he
got to the kitchen, he told the cook to make haste, if
ever she made haste in her life, " for there 's owld
Danger up-stairs in the divil's temper, God bless us ! "
said Mick.

"Faix, he's always that," said the cook, scurrying
across the kitchen for the gridiron.

" Oh ! but he 's beyant all to-night," said Mick ; " I
think he '11 murther that chap up-stairs before he stops."

" Oh, wirra ! wirra ! " cried the cook -, " there 's the
fire not bright, bad luck to it, and he wantin' a brile ! "

" Bright or not bright," said Mick, " make haste I *d
advise you, or he 'U have your life."

The bell rang violently.

"There, do you hear him tattherin*?" said Mick,
rushing up-stairs.

" I thought it was tay they wor takin'," said Larry
Hogan, who was sitting in the chimney-corner, smoking.

" So they are," said the cook.

" Then I suppose, briled bones is genteel with tay ? "
said Larry.



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196 Handy Andy



'' Oh, no ; it 's not for tay, at all, they want them ;
it 's only ould Danger himself. Whenever he 's in a
rage, he ates briled bones."

" 'Faith, they are a brave cure for anger,'* said Lariy ;
" I would n't be angry myself, if I had one."

Down rushed Mick, to hurry the cook bang, twang !
went the bell as he spoke. " Oh, listen to him ! " said
Mick : ^ for the tendher mercy o' Heaven, make haste ! "

The cook transferred the bones from the gridiron to a
hot dish.

" Oh, murther, but they *re smoked ! " said Mick.

" No matther," said the cook, shaking her red elbow
furiously 5 " I '11 smother the smoke with the pepper
there ! give them a good dab o' musthard now, and
sarve them hot ! "

Away rushed Mick, as the bell was rattled into fits
again.

While the cook had been broiling bones for O'Grady
below, he had been griUing Furlong for himself above.
In one of the pauses of the storm, the victim ventured
to suggest to his tormentor that all the mischief that had
arisen might have been avoided, if O'Grady had met
him at the village, as he requested of him in one of his
letters. O'Grady denied all knowledge of such a re-
quest, and after some queries about certain portions of
the letter, it became manifest it had miscarried.

"There!" said O'Grady; "there's a second letter
astray ; I 'm certain they put my letters astray on pur-
pose. There 's a plot in the post-office against me ; by
this and that, I 'U have an inquiry. I wish all the post-
offices in the world were blown up ; and all the post-
masters hanged, postmaster-general and all I do by
the 'ternal war, I do and all the mail coaches in the
world ground to powder, and the roads they go on into
the bargain devil a use in them but to carry bad news
over the universe for all the letters with any good in
them are lost ; and if there 's a money enclosure in one,



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Handy Andy 197

that 's sure to be robbed. Blow the post-office, I say
blow it, and sink it ! "

It was at this moment Mick entered with the broiled
bones, and while he was in the room, placing glasses on
the table, and making the necessary arrangements for
making ^ screeching hot punch," he heard O'Grady and
Furlong talking about the two lost letters.

On his descent to the kitchen, the cook was spread-
ing a bit of supper there, in which Andy was to join,
he having just completed some applications of brown
paper and vinegar to the bruises received in his fall.
Larry Hogan, too, was invited to share in the repast ;
and it was not the first time, by many, that Larry quar-
tered on the Squire. Indeed, many a good larder was
opened to Larry Hogan ; he held a very deep interest
in the regards of all the female domestics over the
country, not on the strength of his personal charms, for
Larry had a hanging lip, a snub nose, a low forehead,
a large ugly head, whose scrubby grizzled hair grew
round the crown somewhat in the form of a priest's
tonsure. Not on the strength of his gallantry, for
Larry was always talking morality and making sage
reflections, while he supplied the womankind with bits
of lace, rolls of ribbon, and now and then silk stock-
ings. He always had some plausible story of how they
happened to come in his way, for Larry was not a
regular pedlar; carrying no box, he drew his chance
treasures from the recesses of very deep pockets con-
trived in various parts of his attire. No one asked
Larry how he came by such a continued supply of
natty articles, and if they had, Lariy would not have
told them ; for he was a very " close " man, as well as
a " civil-spoken," under which character he was first
introduced to the reader on the memorable night of
Andy's destructive adventure in his mother's cabin.
Larry Hogan was about as shrewd a fellow as any in
the whole country, and while no one could exactly



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198 Handy Andy

make out what he was, or how he made the two ends
of his year meet, he knew nearly as much of every
one's afEurs as they did themselves ; in the phrase of
the country, he was ^^ as 'cute as a fox, as close as wax
and as deep as a draw-well."

The supper-party sat down in the kitchen, and
between every three mouthfuls poor Mick could get, he
was obliged to canter up-stairs at the call of the fiercely
rung bell. Ever and anon, as he returned, he bolted
his allowance with an ejaculation, sometimes pious,
sometimes the reverse, on the hard fate of attending
such a ^^born devil," as he called the Squire.

" Why he 's worse nor ever, to-night," says the cook.
^^ What ails him at all what is it all about ? "

^ Oh, he 's blackguardin' and blastin' away about
that quare slink-lookin' chap, up-stairs, goin' to Squire
Egan's instead of comin' here."

"That was a bit o' your handy work," said Larry,
with a grim smile at Andy.

"And then," said Mick, "he's swearin' by all the
murthers in the world agen the whole counthry, about
some letthers was stole out of the post-office by some-
body."

Andy's hand was in the act of raising a mouthful to
his lips, when these words were uttered ; his hand fell,
and his mouth remained open. Larry Hogan had his
eye on him at the moment.

^^ He swares he '11 have some one in the body o' the
jail," said Mick; "and he'll never stop till he sees
them swing."

Andy thought of the effigy on the wall, and his
dream, and grew pale.

" By the hokey," said Mick, " I never see him in
sitch a tattherin' rage ! " bang went the bell again
" Ow, ow ! " cried Mick, bolting a piece of fat bacon,
wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his liveiy, and run
ning up-stairs.



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Handy Andy 199

"Misses Cook, ma'am," said Andy, shoving back
his chair from the table ; " thank you, ma'am, for your
good supper. I think I '11 be goin' now."

" Sure, you 're not done yet, man alive."

"Enough is as good as a feast, ma'am," replied
Andy.

" Augh ! sure the morsel you took is more like a fast
than a feast," said the cook, " and it 's not Lent."

'^ It 's not lent, sure enough," said Larry Hogan, with
a sly grin ; " it 's not lent^ for you gave it to him."

" Ah, Misther Hogan, you 're always goin' on with
your conundherums," said the cook \ " sure, that 's not
the lent I mane at all I mane Good Friday Lent."

" Faix, every Friday is good Friday that a man gets
his supper," said Larry.

" Well, you will be goin' on, Misther Hogan," said
the cook. " Oh, but you 're a witty man \ but I 'd
rather have a yard of your lace, any day, than a mile
o' your discourse."

"Sure, you ought not to mind my goin' o, when
you're lettin' another man go ^ that-a-way," said
Larry, pointing to Andy, who, hat in hand, was quitting
the kitchen.

" Faix an* he must n't go," said the cook ; " there 's
two words to that bargain ; " and she closed the door,
and put her back against it.

" My mother 's expectin' me, ma'am," said Andy.

"Throth, if 't was your wife was expectin' you, she
must wait a bit," said the cook ; " sure you would n't
leave the thirsty curse on my kitchen ? you must take
a dhrop before you go; besides the dogs outside the
place would ate you onless there was some one they
knew along wid you : and sure, if a dog bit you, you
could n't dhrink wather afther, let alone a dhrop o'
beer, or a thrifle o' sper'ts : is n't that thrue, Misther
Hogan ? "

" Indeed an' it is, ma'am," answered Larry ; " no



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2cx Handy Andy

one can dhrink afther a dog bites them, and that 's the
rayson that the larn'd facideties calls the disaise high-
dhry "

" High-dhiy what ? " asked the cook.

That 's what I 'm thinkin' of," said Larry. " High-
dhry high-dhry something."

" There 's high-dhiy snufF," said the cook.

" Oh, no no, no, ma'am ! " said Larry, waving
his hand and shaking his head, as if unwilling to be
interrupted in endeavouring to recall

Some fleeting remembrance ; **

** high-dhiy po po something about po ; 'faith,
it's not unlike popery," said Larry.

'' Don't say popery," cried the cook ; *' it 's a dirty
word! Say Roman Catholic when you spake of the
faith."

*' Do you think / would undhervalue the faith ? "
said Larry, casting up his eyes. ^^ Oh, Missis Mulligan,
you know little of me ; d' you think I would undher-
value what is my hope, past, present, and to come ?

what makes our hearts light when our lot is heavy ?

what makes us love our neighbour as ourselves ? "

*' Indeed, Misther Hogan," broke in the cook, " I
never knew any one fonder of calling in on a neighbour
than yourself, particularly about dinner-time "

^ What makes us," said Larry, who would not let the
cook interrupt his outpouring of pious eloquence
^^ what makes us fierce in prosperity to our friends, and
meek in adversity to our inimies ? "

" Oh ! Misther Hogan ! " said the cook, blessing
herself.

"What puts the leg undher you when you are in
throuble ? why, your faith : what makes you below
desait, and above reproach, and on neither side of
nothin' ? " Larry slapped the table like a prime minister,
and there was no opposition. " Oh, Missis Mulligan,



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Handy Andy 201

do you think I would desaive or bethray my fellow
crayture ? Oh, no I would not wrong the child
unborn," and this favourite phrase of Larry (and
other rascals) was, and is, unconsciously, true^ for
people, most generally, must be born before they can be
much wronged.

^ Oh, Missis Mulligan," said Larry, with a devo-
tional appeal of his eyes to the ceiling, ^^ be at war with
sin, and you Ml be at paice with yourself! "

Just as Larry wound up his pious peroration, Mick
shoved in the door, against which the cook supported
herself, and told Andy the Squire said he should not
leave the Hall that night.

Andy looked aghast.

Again Larry Hogan's eye was on him.

** Sure I can come back here in the mornin'," said
Andy, who at the moment he spoke was conscious of
the intention of being some forty miles out of the place
before dawn, if he could get away.

''When the Squire says a thing, it must be done,"
said Mick. " You must sleep here."

'' And pleasant dhrames to you," said Lariy, who saw
Andy wince under his kindly worded stab.

" And where must I sleep ? " asked Andy, dolefully.

" Out in the big loft," said Mick.

" I '11 show you the way," said Larry ; " I 'm goin* to
sleep there myself to-night, for it would be too far to
go home. Good night, Mrs. Mulligan good night,
Mickey come along, Andy."

Andy followed Hogan. They had to cross a yard to
reach the stables; the night was clear, and the waning
moon shed a steady though not a bright light on the en-
closure. Hogan cast a lynx eye around him to see if
the coast was clear, and satisfying himself it was, he
laid his hand impressively on Andy's arm as they reached
the middle of the yard, and setting Andy's face right
against the moonlight, so that he might watch the slight^



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202 Handy Andy

est expression, he paused for a moment before he spoke ;
and when he spoke, it was in a low mysterious whisper
low, as if he feared the night breeze might betray
it, and the words were few, but potent, which he
uttered ; they were these " Who robbed the post^ffice ? "

The result quite satisfied Hogan ; and he knew how
to turn his knowledge to account. O'Grady and Egan
were no longer friends; a political contest was pending;
letters were missing; Andy had been Egan's servant;
and Larry Hogan had enough of that mental chemical
power, which, from a few raw facts, unimportant sepa-
rately, could make a combination of great value.

Soon after breakfast at Merryvale the following morn-
ing, Mrs. Egan wanted to see the Squire. She went to
his sitting-room it was bolted. He told her, from
the inside, he was engaged just then, but would see her
by-and-by. She retired to the drawing-room, where
Fanny was singing. "Oh, Fanny," said her sister,
" sing me that dear new song of * The Voices,* *t is so
sweet, and must be felt by those who, like me, have a
happy home."

Fanny struck a few notes of a wild and peculiar
symphony, and sang her sister's favourite.

THE VOICE WITHIN



You ask the dearest place on earth.

Whose simple joys can never die ;
'T is the holy pale of the 4iappy hearth.
Where love doth light each beaming eye.
With snowy ^roud
Let tempests loud
Around my old tower raise their din;^
What boots the shout
Of storms without.
While voices sweet resound within ?
O dearer sound
For the tempests round.
The voices sweet within I



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Handy Andy 203



I ask not wealth, I ask not power;

But, gracious Heaven, oh grant to me
That, when the storms of Fate may lower.
My heart just like my home may be!
When in the gale
Poor Hope* 8 white sail
No haven can for shelter win,
Fate^s darkest skies
The heart defies
Whose still small voice is sweet within
O, heavenly sound,
'Mid the tempests round.
That voice so sweet within !

Egan had entered as Fanny was singing the second
verse ; he wore a troubled air, which his wife at first did
not remark. *' Is not that a sweet song, Edward ? "
said she. " No one ought to like it more than you, for
your home is your happiness, and no one has a clearer
conscience."

Egan kissed her gently, and thanked her for her good
opinion, and asked her what she wished to say to him.
They left the room.

Fanny remarked Egan's unusually troubled air, and it
marred her music ; leaving the piano, and walking to
the window, she saw Larry Hogan walking from the
house, down the avenue.



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CHAPTER XV

IF the morning brought uneasiness and distrust to
Merryvale, it dawned not more brightly on Neck-
or-Nothing Hall. The discord of the former night was
not preparatory to harmony on the morrow, and the
parties separating in ill-humour from the drawing-room
were not likely to look forward with much pleasure to
the breakfast-parlour. But before breakfast sleep was to
intervene that is, for those who could get it and the
unfortunate Furlong was not amongst the number.
Despite the very best feather bed Mrs. O'Grady had
selected for him from amongst her treasures, it was long
before slumber weighed down his feverish eyelids ; and
even then, it was only to have them opened again in
some convulsive start of a troubled dream. All his
adventures of the last four-and-twenty hours were
jumbled together in strange confusion now on a
lonely road, while dreading the assaults of robbers, his
course was interrupted not by a highwayman, but a
river, whereon embarking, he began to catch salmon
in a most surprisingly rapid manner, but just as he was
about to haul in his fish it escaped from the hook, and
the salmon, making wry faces at him, very impertinently
exclaimed, ^^ Sure, you would n't catch a poor, ignorant,
Irish salmon ? '* He then snapped his pistols at the
insolent fish then his carriage breaks down, and he is
suddenly transferred from the river to the road ; thieves
seize upon him and bind his hands, but a charming



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Handy Andy 205

young lady with pearly teeth frees him from his bonds,
and conducts him to a castle where a party is engaged
in playing cards; he is invited to join, and as his cards
are dealt to him he anticipates triumph in the game, but
by some malicious fortune his trumps are transformed
into things of no value, as they touch the board ; he
loses his money, and is kicked out when his purse has
been emptied, and he escapes along a dark road pursued
by his spoilers, who would take his life, and a horrid cry
of *' broiled bones," rings in his ears as he flies ; he is
seized and thrown into a river, where, as he sinks, shoals
of salmon raise a chorus of rejoicing, and he wakes out
of the agonies of dream-drowning to find himself nearly
suflFocated by sinking into the feathery depths of Mrs.
0'Grady*s pet bed. After a night passed in such
troubled visions the unfortunate Furlong awoke unre-
freshed,"* and, with bitter recollections of the past and
mournful anticipations of the future, arose and prepared
to descend to the parlour, where a servant told him
breakfast was ready.

His morning greeting by the family was not of that
hearty and cheerful character which generally distin-
guishes the house of an Irish squire; for though
O'Grady was not so savage as on the preceding even-
ing, he was rather gruff, and the ladies dreaded being
agreeable when the master's temper blew from a
stormy point. Furlong could not help regretting at this
moment the lively breakfast-table at Merryvale, nor
avoid contrasting to disadvantage the two Miss O'Gradys
with Fanny Dawson. Augusta, the eldest, inherited
the prominent nose of her father, and something of his
upper lip too, beard included ; and these, unfortunately,
were all she was ever likely to inherit from him ; and
Charlotte, the younger, had the same traits in a moder-
ated degree. Altogether, he thought the girls the plain-
est he had ever seen, and the house more horrible than
anything that was ever imagined ; and he sighed a faint



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2o6 Handy Andy

fashionable sigh, to think his political duties had ex-
pelled him from a paradise to send him

" The other way the other way ! "

Four boys and a little girl sat at a side-table, where a capa-
cious jug of milk, large bowls, and a lusty loaf were laid
under contribution amidst a suppressed but continuous
wrangle, which was going forward amongst the juniors ;
and a snappish '* I will ** or " I won't," a " Let me
alone " or a ^^ Behav^ yourself," occasionally was dis-
tinguishable above the murmur of dissatisfaction. A
little squall from the little girl at last made O 'Grady
turn round and swear that, if they did not behave them-
selves, he 'd turn them all out.

" It is all Goggy, sir," said the girl.

" No, it 's not, you dirty little thing," cried George,
whose name was thus euphoniously abbreviated.

" He 's putting " said the girl, with excitement.

'* Ah, you dirty little " interrupted Goggy, in a

low, contemptuous tone.

'* He 's putting, sir ^"

** Whisht ! you young devils, will you ? " cried
O'Grady, and a momentary silence prevailed ; but the
little girl snivelled and put up her bib ^ to wipe her eyes,
while Goggy put out his tongue at her. Many minutes
had not elapsed when the girl again whimpered ^

^^ Call to Goggy, papa ; he 's putting some mouse's
tails into my milk, sir."

" Ah, you dirty little tell-tale ! " cried Goggy, re-
proachfully ; ^^ a tell-tale is worse than a mouse's tail."

O'Grady jumped up, gave Master Goggy a box on the
ear, and then caught him by the aforesaid appendage to
his head, and as he led him to the door by the same,
Goggy bellowed lustily, and when ejected from the room
howled down the passage more like a dog than a human

1 Pinafore.



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Handy Andy 207

being. O'Grady, on resuming his seat, told Polshee^
(the little girl) she was always getting Goggy a beating,
and she was a little cantankerous cat and a dirty tell-tale,
as Goggy said. Amongst the ladies and Furlong the
breakfast went forward with coldness and constraint, and
all were glad when it was nearly over. At this period,
Mrs. O'Grady half filled a large bowl from the tea-urn,
and then added to it some weak tea, and Miss O'Grady
collected all the broken bread about the table on a plate.
Just then Furlong ventured to " twouble " Mrs. O'Grady
for a Uetle more tea, and before he handed her his cup he
would have emptied the sediment in the slop-basin, but
by mistake he popped it into the large bowl of miserable
Mrs. O'Grady had prepared. Furlong begged a thou-
sand pardons, but Mrs. O'Grady assured him it was of
no consequence, as it was only for the tutor !

O'Grady, having swallowed his breakfast as fast as
possible, left the room ; the whole party soon followed,
and on arriving in the drawing-room, the young ladies
became more agreeable when no longer under the con-
straint of their ogre father. Furlong talked slip-slop
common-places with them ; they spoke of the country
and the weather, and he of the city ; they assured him
that the dews were heavy in the evening, and that the
grass was so green in that part of the country ; he obliged
them with the interesting information, that the Lifiy ran
through Dublin, but that the two sides of the city com-
municated by means of bridges that the houses were
built of red brick generally, and that the hall-doors were
painted in imitation of mahogany ; to which the young
ladies responded, ^^ La, how odd ! " and added, that in
the countiy people mostly painted their hall-doors green,
to match the grass. Furlong admitted the propriety of
the proceeding, and said he liked uniformity. The young
ladies quite coincided in his opinion, declared they all
were so fond of uniformity, and added that one of their
1 Mary.



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2o8 Handy Andy



carriage horses was blind. Furlong admitted the excel-
lence of the observation, and said, in a very soft voice,
that Love was blind also.

" Exactly," said Miss O'Grady, " and that 's the rea-
son we call our horse * Cupid ' ! "

" How clever ! " replied Furlong.

^^ And the mare that goes in harness with him she 's
an ugly creature, to be sure, but we call her ' Venus.' "

" How dwoll ! *' said Furlong.

** That's for uniformity," said Miss O'Grady.

** How good ! " was the rejoinder.

Mrs. O'Grady, who had left the room for a few min-
utes, now returned and told Furlong she would show
him over the house if he pleased. He assented, of
course, and under her guidance went through many
apartments ; those on the basement story were hurried
through rapidly, but when Mrs. O'Grady got him up-
stairs, amongst the bed-rooms, she dwelt on the excel-
lence of every apartment. " This I need not show you,
Mr. Furlong 't is your own j I hope you slept well
last night ? " This was the twentieth time the question
had been asked. '* Now, here is another, Mr. Furlong ;
the window looks out on the lawn : so nice to look out
on a lawn, I think, in the morning, when one gets up !
so refreshing and wholesome ! Oh ! you are looking
at the stain in the ceiling, but we could n't get the roof
repaired in time before the winter set in last year ; and
Mr. O'Grady thought we might as well have the pain-
ters and slaters together in the summer and the house
does want paint, indeed, but we all hate the smell of
paint. See here, Mr. Furlong," and she turned up a
quilt as she spoke; ^^just put your hand into that bed;
did you ever feel a finer bed ? "

Furlong declared he never did.

" Oh, you don't know how to feel a bed ! put your
hand into it well, that way ; " and Mrs. O'Grady
plunged her arm up to the elbow into the object of her



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Handy Andy 209

admiration. Furlong poked the bed, and was all
laudation.

** Is n't it beautiful ? "

" Cha'ming ! " replied Furlong, trying to pick off the
bits of down which clung to his coat.

^^ Oh, never mind the down you shall be brushed
after; I always show my beds, Mr. Furlong. Now,
here 's another \ " and so she went on, dragging poor
Furlong up and down the house, and he did not get out
of her clutches till he had poked all the beds in the
establishment. As soon as that ceremony was over,
and that his coat had undergone the process of brushing,
he wished to take a stroll, and was going forth, when
Mrs. O'Grady interrupted him, with the assurance that
it would not be safe unless some one of the family be-
came his escort, for the dogs were very fierce Mr.
O'Grady was so fond of dogs, and so proud of a particu-
lar breed of dogs he had, so remarkable for their courage
he had better wait till the boys had done their Latin
lesson. So Furlong was marched back to the drawing,
room.

There the younger daughter addressed him with a
message from her grandmamma, who wished to have the
pleasure of making his acquaintance, and hoped he would
pay her a visit. Furlong, of course, was " quite de-
lighted," and " too happy," and the young lady, there-
upon, led him to the old lady's apartment.

The old dowager had been a beauty in her youth
one of the belles of the Irish court, and when she heard
^^ a gentleman from Dublin Castle " was in the house
she desired to see him. To see any one from the seat
of her juvenile joys and triumphs would have given her
delight, were it only the coachman that had driven a
carriage to a levee or drawing-room; she could ask him
about the sentinels at the gate, the entrance-porch, and
if the long range of windows yet glittered with lights on
St. Patrick's night ; but to have a conversation with an

VOL. I. 14



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2IO Handy Andy



official from that seat of government and courtly pleas-
ure was, indeed, something to make her happy.

On Furlong being introduced, the old lady received
him very courteously, at the same time with a certain
air that betokened she was accustomed to deference.
Her commanding figure was habited in a loose morning
wrapper, made of grey flannel ; but while this gave evi-
dence she studied her personal comfort rather than ap-
pearance, a bit of pretty silk handkerchief about the
neck, very knowingly displayed, and a becoming ribbon
in her cap showed she did not quite neglect her good
looks ; it did not require a very quick eye to see, besides,
a small touch of rouge on the cheek which age had de-
pressed, and the assistance of Indian ink to the eyebrow
which time had thinned and faded. A glass filled with
flowers stood on the table before her, and a quantity of
books lay scattered about ; a guitar not the Spanish
instrument now in fashion, but the English one of some
eighty years ago, strung with wire and tuned in thirds
hung by a blue ribbon beside her ; a corner cupboard, fan-
tastically carved, bore some curious specimens of china
on one side of the room ; while, in strange discord with
what was really scarce and beautiful, the commonest
Dutch cuckoo-clock was suspended on the opposite
wall; close beside her chair stood a very pretty little
Japan table, bearing a looking-glass with numerous
drawers framed in the same material ; and while Furlong
seated himself, the old lady cast a sidelong glance at the
mirror, and her withered fingers played with the fresh
ribbon.

'*You have recently arrived from the Castle, sir, I
understand."

"Quite wecently, madam awived last night."

" I hope his Excellency is well not that I have the
honour of his acquaintance, but I love the Lord Lieu-
tenant and the aides-de-camps are so nice, and the
little pages ! put a marker in that book," said she, in



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Handy Andy 211

an under-tone, to her granddaughter, "page seventy-
four ah," she resumed in a higher tone, " that reminds
me of the Honourable Captain Wriggle, who com-
manded a seventy-four, and danced with me at the
Castle the evening Lady Legge sprained her ankle.
By-the-bye, are there any seventy-fours in Dublin
now ? "

"I wather think," said Furlong, "the bay is not
sufficiently deep for line-of-battle ships."

" Oh dear, yes ! I have seen quantities of seventy-
fours there ; though, indeed, I am not quite sure if it
was n't at Splithead. Give me the smelling salts, Char-
lotte, love \ mine does ache indeed ! How subject the
dear Duchess of Rutland was to headaches ; you did
not know the Duchess of Rutland ? no, to be sure,
what am I thinking of ? you 're too young ; but those
were the charming days ! You have heard, of course,
the duchess's bon mot in reply to the compliment of Lord

, but I must not mention his name, because there

was some scandal about them ; but the gentleman said to
the duchess I must tell you she was Isabella, Duchess
of Rutland and he said, ^Isabelle is a belle^' to which
the duchess replied, ' Isabelle was a belle* "

** Vewy neat, indeed ! " said Furlong.

" Ah ! poor thing," said the dowager, with a sigh, she
was beginning to be a little passee then ; " she looked in
the glass herself, and added, ^^ Dear me, how pale I am
this morning ! " and pulling out one of the little drawers
from the Japan looking-glass, she took out a pot of
rouge and heightened the colour on her cheek. The
old lady not only heightened her own colour, but that
of the witnesses of Furlong particularly, who was
quite surprised. *' Why am I so very pale this morning,
Charlotte love ? " continued the old lady.

" You sit up so late reading, grandmamma."

" Ah, who can resist the &scination of the muses ?
You are fond of literature, I hope, sir ? "



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212 Handy Andy

" Extwemely," replied Furlong.

^^ As a statesman," continued the old lady to whom
Furlong made a deep obeisance at the word ^^ statesman "
^^ as a statesman, of course your reading lies in the
more solid department \ but if you ever do condescend to
read a romance, there is the sweetest thing I ever met I
am just now engaged in ; it is called ^ The Blue Robber
of the Pink Mountain.' I have not come to the pink
mountain yet, but the blue robber is the most perfect
character. The author, however, is guilty of a strange
forgetfulness ; he begins by speaking of the robber as of
the middle age, and soon after describes him as a young
man. Now, how could a young man be of the middle
age?"

*'It seems a stwange inaccuwacy," lisped Furlong.
" But poets sometimes pwesume on the pwivelege they
have of doing what they please with their hewoes."

^^Quite true, sir. And talking of heroes, I hope the
Knights of St. Patrick are well I do admire them so
much ! 't is so interesting to see their banners and
helmets hanging up in St. Patrick's Cathedral, that
venerable pile! with the loud peal of the organ
sublime is n't it ? the banners almost tremble in the
vibration of the air to the loud swell of the ^ A-a-a-
men ! ' the very banners seem to wave ' Amen ! *
Oh, that swell is so fine ! I think they are fond of
swells in the choir ; they have a good eiFect, and some
of the young men are so good looking ! and the little
boys, too I suppose they are choristers* children?"

The old lady made a halt, and Furlong filled up the
pause by declaring, " He weally could n't say."

" I hope you admire the service at St. Patrick's ? "
continued the old lady.

" Ye-s, I think St. Paytwick's a vewy amusing place
of wo'ship."

^ Amusing," said the old lady, half oilended. " In-
spiring, you mean ; not that I tlunk the sermon interest-



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Handy Andy 213

ing, but the anthem ! oh, the anthem, it is so fine !
and the old banners, those are my delight the dear
banners covered with dust ! "

" Oh, as far as that goes," said Furlong, *' they have
impwoved the cathedwal vewy much, fo' they white-
washed it inside, and put up mo banners."

^ Whitewash and new banners ! " exclaimed the in-
dignant dowager ; ^^ the Goths ! to remove an atom
of the romantic dust ! I would not have let a house-
maid into the place for the world ! But they have left
the anthem, I hope ? "

^^ Oh, yes ; the anthem is continued, but with a small
diiFewence: they used to sing the anthem befo' the
se'mon, but the people used to go away afte' the anthem
and neve' waited fo' the se'mon, and the bishop, who is
pwoud of his pweaching, orde'ed the anthem to be post-
poned till afte' the se'mon."

"Oh, yes," said the old lady, "I remember, now,
hearing of that, and some of the wags in Dublin saying
the bishop was jealous of old Spray ; ^ and did n't
somebody write something called ' Pulpit versus
Organloft ' ? "

" I cawn't say."

** Well, I am glad you like the cathedral, sir ; but I
wish they had not dusted the banners ; I used to look
at them all the time the service went on they were
so romantic ! I suppose you go there every Sunday ? "

"I go in the summe'," said Furlong ; *' the place is
so cold in the winte'."

*' That 's true indeed," responded the Dowager, '* and
it 's quite funny, when your teeth are chattering with
cold, to hear Spray singing, ' Comfort ye, my people ; '
but, to be sure, that is almost enough to warm you.
You are fond of music, I perceive ? "

Vewy!"

** / play the guitar (citra cithra or lute, as it is
^ One of the finest tenors of the last century.



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214 Handy Andy

called by poets). I sometimes sing, too. Do you
know ^ The lass with the delicate air ' ? a sweet ballad
of the old school my instrument once belonged to
Dolly Bland, the celebrated Mrs. Jordan now ah,
there, sir, is a brilliant specimen of Irish mirthfulness
what a creature she is ! Hand me my lute, child," she
said to her granddaughter \ and having adjusted the blue
ribbon over her shoulder, and twisted the tuning-pegs,
and thrummed upon the wires for some time, she made
a prelude and cleared her throat to sing ^^ The lass with
the delicate air," when the loud whirring of the clock-
wheels interrupted her, and she looked up with great
delight at a little door in the top of the clock, which
suddenly sprang open, and out popped a wooden bird.

" Listen to my bird, sir," said the old lady.

The sound of'* cuckoo" was repeated twelve times,
the bird popped in again, the little door closed, and the
monotonous tick of the clock continued.

" That 's my little bird, sir, that tells me secrets ;
and now, sir, you must leave me ; I never receive visits
after twelve. I can't sing you *The lass with the
delicate air ' to-day, for who would compete with the
feathered songsters of the grove ? and after my sweet
little warbler up there, I dare not venture : but I will sing
it for you to-morrow. Good morning, sir. I am happy
to have had the honour of making your acquaintance."
She bowed Furlong out very politely, and as her grand-
daughter was following, she said, ** My love, you must
not forget some seeds for my little bird." Furlong
looked rather surprised, for he saw no bird but the one
in the clock ; the young lady marked his expression, and
as she closed the door she said, '* You must not mind
grandmamma ; you know she is sometimes a little queer."

Furlong was now handed over to the boys, to show
him over the domain ; and they, young imps as they
were, knowing he was in no favour with their father,
felt they might treat him as ill as they pleased, and quiz



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Handy Andy 215

him with impunity. The first portion of Furlong's
penance consisted in being dragged through dirty stable-
yards and out-houses, and shown the various pets of
all the parties ; dogs, pigeons, rabbits, weasels, et caetera,
were paraded, and their qualities expatiated upon, till
poor Furlong was quite weary of them, and expressed
a desire to see the domain. Horatio, the second boy,
whose name was abbreviated to Ratty, told him they
must wait . for Gusty, who was mending his spear.
" We 're going to spear for eels," said the boy j "did
you ever spear for eels ? "

" I should think not," said Furlong, with a knowing
smile, who suspected this was intended to be a second
edition of quizzing a la mode de saumon.

'* You think I 'm joking," said the boy, ** but it 's
famous sport, I can tell you ; but if you 're tired of
waiting here, come along with me to the milliner's, and
we can wait for Gusty there."

While following the boy, who jumped along to the
tune of a jig he was whistling, now and then changing
the whistle into a song to the same tune, with very odd
words indeed, and a burden of gibberish ending with
** riddle-diddle-dow," Furlong wondered what a milliner
could have to do in such an establishment, and his
wonder was not lessened when his guide added, " The
milliner is a queer chap, and maybe he '11 tell us some-
thing funny."

" Then the milline' is a man ? " said Furlong.

"Yes," said the boy, laughing; "and he does not
work with needle and thread either."

They approached a small out-house as he spoke, and
the sharp clinking of a hammer fell on the ear. Shov-
ing open a rickety door, the boy cried, " Well, Fogy,
I *ve brought a gentleman to see you. This is Fogy,
the milliner, sir," said he to Furlong, whose surprise
was further increased, when, in the person of the man
called the milliner, he beheld a tinker.



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2i6 Handy Andy

" What a strange pack .of people I have got amongst,"
thought Furlong.

The old tinker saw his surprise, and grinned at him.
^^I suppose it was a nate young woman you thought
you 'd see when he towld you he 'd bring you to the
milliner ha! ha! ha! Oh, they're nate lads, the
Master O'Gradys ; divil a thing they call by the proper
name, at all."

" Yes, we do," said the boy, sharply ; '* we call our-
selves by our proper name. Ha ! Fogy, I have you
there."

" Divil a taste, as smart as you think yourself, Masther
Ratty ; you call yourselves gentlemen, and that 's not
your proper name."

Ratty, who was scraping triangles on the door with a
piece of broken bi^ck, at once converted his pencil into
a missile, and let fly at the head of the tinker, who
seemed quite prepared for such a result, for, raising the
kettle he was mending, he caught the shot adroitly, and
the brick rattled harmlessly on the tin.

'* Ha ! " said the tinker, mockingly, " you missed me,
like your mammy's blessin' ; " and he pursued his
work.

" What a very odd name he calls you," said Furlong,
addressing young O'Grady.

'* Ratty," said the boy. " Oh, yes, they call me
Ratty, short for Horatio. I was called Horatio after
Lord Nelson, because Lord Nelson's father was a
clergyman, and papa intends me for the Church."

" And a nate clargy you '11 make," said the tinker.

" And why do they call you milline' ? " inquired Fur-
long. The old man looked up and grinned, but said
nothing.

" You *11 know before long, I '11 engage," said Ratty ;
" won't he. Fogy ? You were with old Gran* to-day,
were n't you ? "

"Yes."



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Handy Andy 217

"Did she sing to you 'The kss with the delicate
air ' ? " said the boy, putting himself in the attitude of a
person playing the guitar, throwing up his eyes, and
mimicking the voice of an old woman

" So they callM her, they calPd her.
The lass the lass

With a delicate air,
De lick-it lick-it lick-it
The lass with a de lick-it air.'*

The young rascal made frightful mouths, and put out
his tongue every time he said " lick-it," and when he
had finished, asked Furlong, " Was n't that the thing ? "
Furlong told him his grandmamma had been going to
sing it, but this pleasure had been deferred till to-morrow.

" Then you did not hear it ? " said Ratty.

Furlong answered in the negative.

*' Och ! murder ! murder ! I 'm sorry I told you."

" Is it so vewy pa'ticula', then ? " inquired Furlong.

" Oh, you '11 find out that, and more too, if you live
long enough," was the answer. Then turning to the
tinker, he said, '^ Have you any milliner work in hand.
Fogy?"

" To be sure I have," answered the tinker ; " who
has so good a right to know that as yourself ? Throth,
you 've little to do, I 'm thinkin', when you ax that idle
question. Oh, you 're nate lads ! And would nothin'
sarve you but brakin' the weathercock ? "

" Oh, 't was such a nice cock-shot ; 't was impossible
not to have a shy at it," said Ratty, chuckling.

" Oh, you 're nice lads ! " still chimed in the tinker.

" Besides," said Ratty, " Gusty bet me a bull-dog
pup against a rabbit, I could not smash it in three
goes."

" Faix, an' he ought to know you betther than that,"
said the tinker ; " for you 'd make a fair offer ^ at any-

1 A *fair offer" is a phrase amongst the Irish peasantry,
meaning a successful aim.



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2i8 Handy Andy

thing, I think, but an answer to your schoolmasther.
Oh, a nate lad you are a nate lad ! a nice clai^
you'll be, your rivirence. Oh, if you hit oflF the tin
commandments as fast as you hit ofF the tin weather-
cock, it 's a good man you '11 be an' if I never had
a headache till then, sure it 's happy I 'd be ! "

" Hold your prate, old Growly," said Ratty ; ^ and
why don't you mend the weathercock?"

^^I must mend the kittle first and a purty kittle
you made of it ! and would nothing sarve you but the
best kittle in the house to tie to the dog's tail ? Ah,
Masther Ratty, you 're terrible boys, so yiz are ! "

"Hold your prate, you old thief! why wouldn't
we amuse ourselves ? "

" And huntin' the poor dog, too."

" Well, what matter ! he was a strange dog."

" That makes no differ in the cruUtyy

" Ah, bother ! you old humbug ! who was it
blackened the rag-woman's eye ? ha ! Fogy ha !
Fogy dirty Fogy ! "

" Go away, Masther Ratty, you 're too good, so you
are, your rivirince. Faix, I wondher his honour, the
Squire, does n't murdher you sometimes."

" He would, if he could catch us," replied Ratty,
^^ but we run too fast for him, so divil thank him !
and you, too. Fogy, ha, old Growly ! Come along,
Mr. Furlong, here 's Gusty ; bad scran to you.
Fogy ! " and he slammed the door as he quitted the
tinker.

Gustavus, followed by two younger brothers, Theo-
dore and Godfrey (for O'Grady loved high-sounding
names in baptism, though they got twisted into such
queer shapes in family use), now led the way over the
park towards the river. Some fine timber they passed
occasionally ; but the axe had manifestly been busy,
and the wood seemed thinned rather from necessity than
for improvement ; the paths were choked with weeds



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Handy Andy 219

and fallen leaves, and the rank moss added its evidence
of neglect. The boys pointed out anything they thought
worthy of observation by the way, such as the best
places to find a hare, the most covered approach to the
river to get a shot at wild ducks, or where the best
young wood was to be found from whence to cut a
stick. On reaching their point of destination, which
was where the river was less rapid, and its banks
sedgy and thickly grown with flaggers and bulrushes,
the sport of spearing for eels commenced. Gusty first
undertook the task, and, after some vigorous plunges of
his implement into the water, he brought up the prey,
wriggling between its barbed prongs. Furlong was
amazed, for he thought this, like the salmon-fishing,
was intended as a quiz, and, after a few more examples
of Gusty's prowess, he undertook the sport ; a short
time, however, fatigued his unpractised arm, and he
relinquished the spear to Theodore, or Tay, as they
called him, and Tay shortly brought up his fish, and
thus, one after another, the boys, successful in their
sport, soon made the basket heivy.

Then, and not till then, they desired Furlong to carry
it ; he declared he had no curiosity whatever in that
line, but the boys would not let him oiF so easy, and
told him the practice there was, that every one should
take his share in the day's sport, and as he could not
catch the fish he should carry it. He attempted a
parley, and suggested he was only a visitor ; but they
only laughed at him said that might be a very good
Dublin joke, but it would not pass in the country. He
then attempted laughingly to decline the honour; but
Ratty, turning round to a monstrous dog, which hitherto
had followed them, quietly said, " Here ! Bloodybones ;
here ! boy ! at him, sir ! make him do his work,
boy ! " The bristling savage made a low growl, and
fixed his eyes on Furlong, who attempted to remon-
strate; but he very soon gave that up, for anothei



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220 Handy Andy

word from the boys urged the dog to a howl and a
crouch, preparatory to a spring, and Furlong made no
further resistance, but took up the basket amid the
uproarious laughter of the boys, who continued their
sport, adding every now and then to the weight
of Furlong's load ; and whenever he lagged behind,
they cried out, " Come along, man-Jack ! " which was
the complimentary name they called him by for the
rest of the day. Furlong thought spearing for eels
worse sport than fishing for salmon, and was rejoiced
when a turn homeward was taken by the party ;
but his annoyances were not yet ended. On their
return, their route lay across a plank of considerable
length, which spanned a small branch of the river;
it had no central support, and consequently sprang con-
siderably to the foot of the passenger, who was afforded
no protection from handrail, or even a swinging rope,
and this rendered its passage difficult to an unpractised
person. When Furlong was told to make his way
across, he hesitated, and, after many assurances on his
part that he could not attempt it. Gusty said he would
lead him over in security, and took his hand for the
purpose ; but when he had him just in the centre, he
loosed himself from Furlong's hold, and ran to the
opposite side. While Furlong was praying him to
return. Ratty stole behind him sufficiently far to have
purchase enough on the plank, and began jumping till
he made it spring too high for poor Furlong to hold
his footing any longer ; so squatting on the plank, he
got astride upon it, and held on with his hands, every
descending vibration of the board dipping his dandy
boots in the water.

" Well done. Ratty ! " shouted all the boys.

" Splash him, Tay ! " cried Gusty. " Pull away,
Goggy."

The three boys now began pelting large stones into
the river close beside Furlong, splashing him so thor-^



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Handy Andy 221

oughly, that he was wringing wet in five minutes. In
vain Furlong shouted, " Young gentlemen ! young
gentlemen ! " and, at last, when he threatened to com-
plain to their father, they recommenced worse than
before, and vowed they M throw him into the stream if
he did not promise to be silent on the subject ; for, to
use their own words, if they were beaten, they might as
well duck him at once, and have the ^^ worth of their
licking." At last, a compromise being effected. Fur-
long stood up to walk off the plank. ^ Remember,"
said Ratty, " you won't tell we hoised ^ you ? "

^ I won't indeed," said Furlong and he got safe to
land.

" But I will ! " cried a voice from a neighbouring
wood ; and Miss O'Grady appeared, surrounded by a
crowd of little pet-dogs. She shook her head in a
threatening manner at the ofienders, and all the little
dogs set up a yelping bark, as if to enforce their mis-
tress's anger. The snappish barking of the pets was
returned by one hoarse bay from " Bloodybones," which
silenced the little dogs, as a broadside from a seventy-
four would dumbfounder a flock of privateers, and the
boys returned the sister's threat by a universal shout of
** Tell-tale!"

*' Go home, tell-tale ! " they all cried ; and with an
action equally simultaneous, they ' stooped one and all
for pebbles, and pelted Miss Augusta so vigorously, that
she and her dogs were obliged to run for it.

^ A vulgarism for * hoisted."



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CHAPTER XVI

HAVING recounted Furlong*s out-door adventures,
it is necessary to say something of what was
passing at Neck-or-Nothing Hall in his absence.

O'Grady, on leaving the breakfast-table, retired to his
justice-room to transact business, a principal feature in
which was the examination of Handy Andy, touching
the occurrences of the evening he drove Furlong to
Merry vale i for though Andy was clear of the chai]ge
for which he had been taken into custody, namely, the
murder of Furlong, O'Grady thought he might have
been a party to some conspiracy to drive the stranger to
the enemy's camp, and therefore put him to the question
very sharply. This examination he had set his heart
upon ; and reserving it as a bonne bouche^ dismissed all
preliminary cases in a very ofF-hand manner, just as
men carelessly swallow a few oysters preparatory to
dinner.

As for Andy, when he was summoned to the justice-
room, he made sure it was for the purpose of being
charged with robbing the post-office, and cast a sidelong
glance at the effigy of the man hanging on the wall, as
he was marched up to the desk where O'Grady sat in
magisterial dignity; and, therefore, when he found it was
only for driving a gentleman to a wrong house all the
pother was made, his heart was lightened of a heavy load,
and he answered briskly enough. The string of question
and reply was certainly an entangled one, and left
O'Grady as much puzzled as before whether Andy



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Handy Andy 223

was stupid and innocent, or too knowing to let himself
be caught and to this opinion he clung at last. In
the course of the inquiry, he found Andy had been in
service at Merryvale ; and Andy, telling him he knew
all about waiting at table, and so forth, and O'Grady
being in want of an additional man-servant in the house
while his honourable guest, Sackville Scatterbrain, should
be on a visit with him, Andy was told he should be
taken on trial for a month. Indeed, a month was as
long as most servants could stay in the house they
came and went as fast as figures in a magic lantern.

Andy was installed in his new place, and set to work
immediately scrubbing up extras of all sorts to make the
reception of the honourable candidate for the county as
brilliant as possible, not only for the honour of the
house, but to make a favourable impression on the
coming guest; for Augusta, the eldest girl, was mar-
riageable, and to her father's ears ^^ The Honourable
Mrs. Sackville Scarterbrain " would have sounded much
more agreeably than " Miss O'Grady."

^ Well who knows ? " said O'Grady to his wife ;
^^ such things have come to pass. Furbish her up, and
make her look smart at dinner he has a good fortune,
and will be a peer one of these days worth catching.
Tell her so."

Leaving these laconic observations and directions be
hind him, he set off to the neighbouring town to meet
Scatterbrain, and to make a blow-up at the post-office
about the missing letters. This he was the more anxious
to do, as the post-office was kept by the brother of
M'Garry, the apothecary ; and since O'Grady had been
made to pay so dearly for thrashing him, he swore
eternal vengeance against the whole family. The
post-master could give no satisfactory answer to the
charge made against him, and O'Grady threatened a
complaint to headquarters, and prophesied the post-
master's dismissal. Satisfied for the present with this



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224 Handy Andy

piece of prospective vengeance, he proceeded to the inn,
and awaited the arrival of his guest.

In the interim, at the Hall, Mrs. O 'Grady gave
Augusta the necessary hints, and recommended a short
walk to improve her colour ; and it was in the execution
of this order that Miss O'Grady's perambulation was
cut short by the pelting her sweet brothers gave her.

The internal bustle of the establishment caught the
attention of the dowager, who contrived to become
acquainted with its cause, and set about making her-
self as fascinating as possible ; for though, in the ordi-
nary routine of the family affairs, she kept herself
generally secluded in her own apartments, whenever any
affair of an interesting nature was pending, nothing
could make her refrain from joining any company
which might be in the house ; nothing ; not even
O'Grady himself. At such times, too, she became
strangely excited, and invariably executed one piece
of farcical absurdity, of which, however, the family
contrived to confine the exercise to her own room. It
was wearing on her head a tin concern, something like
a chimney-cowl, ornamented by a small weathercock,
after the fashion of those which surmount church-
steeples ; this, she declared, influenced her health won-
derfully, by indicating the variation of the wind in her
stomach, which she maintained to be the grand ruling
principle of human existence. She would have worn
this head-dress in any company, had she been permitted,
but the terrors of her son had sufficient influence over
her to have this laid aside for a more seemly coiffure
when she appeared at dinner or in the drawing-room ;
but while she yielded really through fear, she af^ted to
be influenced through tenderness to her son's infirmity
of temper.

" It is very absurd," she would say, " that Gustavus
should interfere with my toilette ; but, poor fellow, he 's
very queer, you know, and I humour him."



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Handy Andy 225

This at once explains why Master Ratty called the
tinker " the milliner."

It will not be wondered at that the family carefully
excluded the old lady from the knowledge of any ex-
citing subject; but those who know what a talkative
race children and servants are, will not be surprised that
the dowager sometimes got scent of proceedings which
were meant to be kept secret. The pending election,
and the approaching visit of the candidate, somehow ot
other, came to her knowledge, and of course she put on
her tin chimney-pot. Thus attired, she sat watching
the avenue all day ; and when she saw O'Grady return
in a handsome travelling carriage with a stranger, she
was quite happy, and began to attire herself in some
ancient finery, rather the worse for wear, and which
might have been interesting to an antiquary.

The house soon rang with bustle bells rang, and
footsteps rapidly paced passages, and pattered up and
down stairs. Andy was the nimblest at the hall-door
at the first summons of the bell ; and, in a livery too
short in the arms and too wide in the shoulders, he
bustled here and there, his anxiety to be useful only
putting him in everybody's way, and ending in getting
him a hearty cursing from O'Grady.

The carriage was unpacked, and letter-boxes, parcels,
and portmanteaus strewed the hall. Andy was desired
to carry the latter to "the gentleman's room," and,
throwing the portmanteau over his shoulder, he ran
upstairs. It was just after the commotion created by
the arrival of the Hsnourable Mr. Scatterbrain that Fur-
long returned to the house, wet and weary.

He retired to his room to change his clothes, and
fancied he was now safe from further molestation, with
an inward protestation that the next time the Master
O'Gradys caught him in their company, they might
bless themselves ; when he heard a loud sound of hust-
ling near his door, and Miss Augusta's voice audibly
VOL. I. 15



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226 Handy Andy

exclaiming, " Behave yourself. Ratty ! Gusty, let me
go ! " when, as the words were uttered, the door of
his room was shoved open, and Miss Augusta thrust in,
and the door locked outside.

Furlong had not half his clothes on. Augusta ex-
claimed, " Gracious me ! " first put up her hands to
her eyes, and then turned her face to the door.

Furlong hid himself in the bed-curtains, while Ratty,
the vicious little rascal, with a malicious laugh, said,
" Now, promise you '11 not tell papa, or I '11 bring him
up here and then, how will you be? "

" Ratty, you wretch ! " cried Augusta, kicking at the
door, " let me out ! "

" Not a bit, till you promise."

" Oh, fie, Maste' O'Gwady ! " said Furlong.

" I '11 scream. Ratty, if you don't let me out ! " cried
Augusta.

" If you screech, papa will hear you, and then he '11
come up and kill that fellow there."

" Oh, don't squeam. Miss O'Gwady ! " said Furlong,
very vivaciously, from the bed-curtains \ '' don't squeam,
pway ! "

^^ I 'm not squeamish, sir," said Miss Augusta ; ^^ but
it's dreadful to be shut up with a man who has no
clothes on him. Let me out. Ratty let me out ! "

"Well, will you tell on us ? "

"No."

" *Pon your honour ? "

" 'Pon my honour, no ! Make haste ! Oh, if papa
knew of this ! "

Scarcely had the words been uttered, when the heavy
tramp and gruff voice of O'Grady resounded in the
passage, and the boys scampered off in a fright, leaving
the door locked.

" Oh, what will become of me ! " said the poor girl,
with the extremity of terror in her look a terror so
excessive, that she was quite heedless of the dishabille



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Handy Andy 227

of Furlong, who jumped from the curtains, when he
beard O'Grady coming.

" Don't be fwightened. Miss 0*Gwady," said Fur-
long, half frightened to death himself. " When we
explain the afiair "

" Explain ! " said the girl, gasping. '' Oh, you don't
know papa ! "

As she spoke, the heavy tramp ceased at the door
a sharp tap succeeded, and Furlong's name was called
in the gruff voice of the Squire.

Furlong could scarcely articulate a response.

" Let me in," said O'Grady.

" I am not dwessed, sir," answered Furlong.

" No matter," said the Squire ; " you 're not a
woman."

Augusta wrung her hands.

^^ I '11 be down with you as soon as I am dwessed,
sir," replied Furlong.

^^I want to speak to you immediately and here are
letters for you open the door."

Augusta signified by signs to Furlong that resistance
would be vain ; and hid herself under the bed.

" Come in, sir," said Furlong, when she was secreted.

'' The door is festened," said O'Grady.

" Turn the key, sir," said Furlong.

O'Grady unlocked the door, and was so inconsistent
a person, that he never thought of the impossibility of
Furlong's having locked it, but, in the richest spirit of
bulls, asked him if he always fastened his door on the
outside. Furlong said he always did.

*' What 's the matter with you P " inquired O'Grady.
"You 're as wKite as the sheet there ; " and he pointed
to the bed as he spoke.

Furlong grew whiter as he pointed to that quarter.

" What ails you, man ? Are n't you well ? "

**Wather fatigued but I'll be bette' pwesently.
What do you wish with me, sir ? "



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228 Handy Andy



" Here are letters for you I want to know what 's
in them Scatterbrain 's come do you know that ? "

uNo_I did not."

*' Don't stand there in the cold go on dressing
yourself 5 I '11 sit down here till you can open your let-
ters : I want to tell you something besides." O'Grady
took a chair as he spoke.

Furlong assumed all the composure he could j and
the girl began to hope she should remain undiscovered,
and most likely she would have been so lucky, had not
the Genius of Disaster, with aspect malign, waved her
sable wand, and called her chosen servant. Handy Andy,
to her aid. He, her faithful and unfailing minister,
obeyed the call, and at that critical juncture of time
gave a loud knock at the chamber-door.

" Come in," said O'Grady.

Andy opened the door and popped in his head. " I
beg your pardon, sir, but I kem for the jintleman's
portmantle."

" What gentleman ? " asked O'Grady.

^^ The Honourable, sir ; I tuk his portmantle to the
wrong room, sir ; and I *m come for it now, bekase he
wants it."

" There 's no portmanteau here," said Furlong.

" O yis, sir," said Andy ; " I put it undher the bed."

" Well, take it and be off," said O'Grady.

" No no no," said Furlong, " don't distu'b my
woom, if you please, till I have done dwessing."

^^ But the Honourable is dhressing too, sir \ and that 's
why he wants the portmantle."

" Take it, then," said the Squire.

Furlong was paralysed, and could offer no further
resistance : Andy stooped, and lifting the valance of the
bed to withdraw the portmanteau, dropped it suddenly,
and exclaimed, " O Lord ! "

" What 's the matter ? " said the Squire.

" Nothin*, sir," said Andy, looking scared.



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Handy Andy 229

^^ Then take the portmanteau, and be hanged to you."

" Oh, I *ll wait till the jintleman 's done, sir," said
Andy, retiring.

" What the devil is all this about ? " said the Squire,
seeing the bewilderment of Furlong and Andy. " What
is it at all ? " and he stooped as he spoke, and lifted the
valance. But here description must end, and imagina-
tion supply the scene of fury and confusion which
succeeded. At the first fierce volley of imprecation
O'Grady gave vent to, Andy ran off and alarmed the
family, Augusta screamed, and Furlong held for support
by the bedpost, while, between every hurricane of oaths,
O'Grady ran to the door, and shouted for his pistols,
and anon returned to the chamber to vent every abusive
epithet which could be showered on man and woman.
The prodigious uproar soon brought the whole house to
the spot \ Mrs. O'Grady and the two spare girls amongst
the first ; Mat, and the cook, and the scullion, and
all the housemaids in rapid succession ; and Scatterbrain
himself at last ; O'Grady all the time foaming at the
mouth, stamping up and down the room, shaking his
fist at Furlong, and, after a volley of names impossible
to remember or print, always concluding with the phrase,
" Wait till I get my pistols ! "

" Gusty, dear," said his trembling wife, " what is it
all about?"

He glared upon her with his flashing eyes, and said,
"Fine education you give your children, ma'am.
Where have you brought up your daughters to go to,
eh?"

" To church, my dear," said Mrs. O'Grady, meekly ;
for she being a Roman Catholic, O'Grady was very
jealous of his daughters being reared staunch Protestants,
and she, poor simple woman, thought that was the drift
of his question.

" Church, my eye, woman ! Church, indeed !
'iith, she ought to have gone there before she came



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230 Handy Andy

where I found her. Thunderan'ouns, where are my
pistols ? "

'' Where has she gone to, my love ? " asked the wife
in a tremor.

^^ To the divil, ma'am. Is that all you know about
it ? " said O'Grady. " And you wish to know where
she is ? "

" Yes, love," said his wife.

^^ Then look under that bed, ma'am, and you '11 see
her without spectacles."

Mrs. O'Grady now gave a scream, and the girls and
the housemaids joined in the chorus. Augusta bellowed
from under the bed, " Mamma ! mamma ! indeed it 's
all Ratty I never did it."

At this moment, to help the confusion, a fresh ap-
pearance made its way into the room \ it was that of
the Dowager O'Grady arrayed in all the bygone
finery of faded full-dress, and the tin chimney-pot on
her head. ^What is all this about?" she exclaimed,
with an air of authority; ''though my weathercock
tells me the wind is nor'west, I did not expect such
a storm. Is any one killed ? "

^ No," said O'Grady ; " but somebody will be soon.
Where are my pistols ? Blood and fire ! will nobody
bring me my pistols ? "

" Here they are, sir," said Handy Andy, running in.

O'Grady made a rush for the pistols, but his mother
and his wife threw themselves before him, and Scatter-
brain shoved Andy outside the room.

"Confound you, you numscull ! would you give
pistols into the hands of a frantic man ? "

*' Sure, he ax'd for them, sir."

" Go out o' this, you blockhead ! Go and hide them
somewhere, where your master won't find them."

Andy retired, muttering something about the hard-
ness of a servant's case, in being scolded and called
names for doing his master's bidding. Scatterbrain re-



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Handy Andy 231

turned to the room, where the confusion was still in
full bloom \ O'Grady swearing between his mother and
wife, while Furlong endeavoured to explain how the
young lady happened to be in his room \ and she kick-
ing in hysterics amidst the maids and her sisters, while
Scatterbrain ran to and fro between all the parties, giv-
ing an ear to Furlong, an eye to O'Grady, and smelling
salts to his daughter.

The case was a hard one to a milder man than
O'Grady his speculation about Scatterbrain all knocked
on the head, for it could not be expected hi would marry
the lady who had been found under another man's bed.
To hush the thing up would be impossible, after the pub-
licity his own fury had given to the afHur. *' Would
she ever be married after such an afiair was eclate? "
The question rushed into his head on one side, and the
answer rushed in at the other, and met it with a plump
" No ! " the question and answer then joined hands
in O'Grady's mind, and danced down the middle to the
tune of " Haste to the wedding ! "

" Yes," he said, slapping his forehead, " she must be
married at once." Then, turning to Furlong, he said,
" You 're not married, I hope ? "

Furlong acknowledged he was not, though he re-
gretted the moment he had made the admission.

"*T is well for you," said O'Grady, " for it has saved
your life. You shall marry her, then ! " He never
thought of asking Furlong's acquiescence in the measure.
" Come here, you baggage ! " he cried to Augusta, as
he laid hold of her hand, and pulled her up from her
chair ; ^ come here ! I intended you for a better man ;
but since you have such a hang-dog taste, why, go to
him ! " And he shoved her over to Furlong. " There ! "
he said, addressing him^ ^ take her, since you will have
her. We '11 speak of her fortune after."

The poor girl stood abashed, sobbing aloud, and
tears pouring from her downcast eyes. Furlong was so



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232 Handy Andy

utterly taken by surprise, that he was riveted to the
spot where he stood, and could not advance a step
towards his drooping intended. At this awkward
moment, the glorious old dowager came to the rescue ;
she advanced, tin chimney-pot and all, and taking a
hand of each of the principals in hers, she joined them
together in a theatrical manner, and ejaculated, with a
benignant air, " Bless you, my children ! *'

In the midst of the mingled rage, confusion, fright,
and astonishment of the various parties present, there
was something so exquisitely absurd in the old woman's
proceeding, that nearly every one felt inclined to laugh ;
but the terror of O'Grady kept their risible faculties in
check. Fate, however, decreed the finale should be
comic ; for the cook, suddenly recollecting herself, ex-
claimed, "Oh, murther! the goose will be burned!"
and ran out of the room; a smothered burst of laughter
succeeded, which roused the ire of O'Grady, who, mak-
ing a charge right and left amongst the delinquents, the
room was soon cleared, and the party dispersed in vari-
ous directions, O'Grady's voice rising loud above the
general confusion, as he swore his way down-stairs, kick-^
ing his mother's tin turban before him.



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CHAPTER XVII

CANVASSING before an election resembles skir-
mishing before a battle ; the skirmishing was
over, and the arrival of the Honourable Sackville Scatter-
brain was like the first gun that commences an engage-
ment; and now both parties were to enter on the
final struggle.

A jolly group sat in Murphy's dining-parlour on the
eve of the day fixed for the nomination. Hitting points
of speeches were discussed plans for bringing up
voters tricks to interrupt the business of the opposite
party certain allusions on the hustings that would
make the enemy lose temper; and, above all, every-
thing that could cheer and amuse the people, and make
them rejoice in their cause.

" Oh, let me alone for that much," said Murtough.
" I have engaged every piper and fiddler within twenty
miles round, and divil a screech of a chanter ^ or a scrape
of catcut Scatterbraip can have for love or money
that's one grand point."

" But," said Tom Durfy, " he has engaged the yeo-
manry band."

"What of that?" asked Dick Dawson; **a band is
all very well for making a splash in the first procession
to the hustings, but what good is it in working out the
details ? "

" What do you call details ? " said Durfy.

**Why, the popular tunes in the public-houses and

1 The principal tube of a bagpipe.



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234 Handy Andy

in the tally-rooms, while the fellows are waiting to go
up. Then the dances in the evening Wow ! won't
Scatterbrain's lads look mighty shy when they know
the Eganites arc kicking their heels to *Moll in the
Wad/ while they have n't a lilt to shake their bones to ? "

" To be sure," said Murphy ; " we '11 have the de-
serters to our cause from the enemy's camp before the
first night is over ; ^ wait till the girls know where the
fiddles are and won't they make the lads join us ! "

" I believe a woman would do a good deal for a dance,"
said Doctor Growling ; ** they are immensely fond of
saltatory motion. I remember, once in my life, I used
to flirt with a little actress who was a great favourite in
a provincial town where I lived, and she was invited to
a ball there, and confided to me she had no silk stockings
to appear in, and without them her presence at the ball
was out of the question."

** That was a hint to you to buy the stockings," said
Dick.

it No you *re out," said Growling. *' She knew I
was as poor as herself; but though she could not rely
on my purse, she had every confidence in my taste and
judgment, and consulted me on a plan she formed for
going to the ball in proper twig. Now, what do you
think it was ? "

** To go in cotton, I suppose," returned Dick.

"Out, again, sir you 'd never guess it; and only a
woman could have hit on the expedient; it was the
fashion in those days for ladies in full dress to wear pink
stockings, and she proposed painting her legs ! "

" Painting her legs ! " they all exclaimed.

"Fact, sir," said the doctor; "and she relied on mc
for telling her if the cheat was successful ^"

" And was it ? " asked Durfy.

"Don't be in a hurry, Tom. I complied on one
condition namely, that I should be the painter."
^ In those times elections often lasted many days.



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Handy Andy 235

* Oh, you villain ! " cried Dick.

" A capital bargain ! " said Tom Durfy.

^ But not a safe covenant," added the attorney.

"Don't interrupt me, gentlemen," said the doctor.
" I got some rose-pink accordingly, and I defy all the
hosiers in Nottingham to make a tighter fit than I did on
little Jinney ; and a prettier pair of stockings I never
saw."

" And she went to the ball ? " said Dick.

'^ She did!"

*' And the trick succeeded ? " added Durfy.

" So completely," said the doctor, ** that several ladies
asked her to recommend her dyer to them ! So you see
what a woman will do to go to a dance. Poor little
Jinney ! she was a merry minx. By-the-bye, she
boxed my ears that night, for a joke I made about the
stockings. * Jinney,* said I, 'for fear your stockings
should fall down when you 're dancing, had n't you bet-
ter let me paint a pair of garters on them \ ' "

The fellows laughed at the doctor's quaint conceit
about the garters, but Murphy called them back to the
business of the election.

" What next ? " he said, " public-houses and tally-
rooms to have pipers and fiddlers ay and we'll get
up as good a march, too, as Scatterbrain, with all his
yeomanry band ; think a cartfuU of fiddlers would have
a fine effect ! "

'^ If we could only get a double-bass amongst them ! "
sdid Dick.

"Talking of double-basses," said the doctor, "did
you ever hear the story of the sailor in an admiral's
ship, who, when some fine concert was to be given on
board ''

** Hang your concerts and stories I " said Murphy \
" let us go on with the election."

" Oh, the doctor's story ! " cried Tom Durfy and
Dick Dawson together.



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236 Handy Andy

"Well, sir," continued the doctor, "a sailor was
handing in, over the side, from a boat which bore the
instruments from shore, a great lot of fiddles. When
some tenors came into his hand he said those were real
good-sized fiddles ; and when a violoncello appeared.
Jack, supposing it was to be held between the hand and
the shoulder, like a violin, declared ^ He must be a strap-
ping chap that fiddle belonged to! ' But when the double-
bass made its appearance, ^ My eyes and limbs ! ' cried
Jack, ' I would like to see the chap as plays that !!!***

" Well, doctor, are you done ? " cried Murphy ; " for,
if you are, now for the election. You say, Dick, Major
Dawson is to propose your brother-in-law ? "

"Yes/'

" And he *11 do it well, too ; the Major makes a very
good straightforward speech."

" Yes," said Dick ; '* the old cock is not a bad hand
at it. But I have a suspicion he's going to make a
greater oration than usual and read some long rigma-
rolish old records."

" That will never do ! " said Murphy, " as long as a
man looks Pat in the face, and makes a good rattling
speech ' out o' the face,' Pat will listen to him ; but when
a lad takes to heavy readings, Pat grows tired. We must
persuade the Major to give up the reading."

" Persuade my father ! " cried Dick. " When did you
ever hear of his giving up his own opinion ? "

*' If he could be prevailed on even to shorten "

said Murphy.

" Oh, leave him to me,"said Dick, laughing ; " I 'II
take care he '11 not read a word."

" Manage that, Dick, and you 're a jewel ! "

" I will," said Dick. " I '11 take the glasses out of
his spectacles the morning of the nomination, and then
let him read, if he can."

" Capital, Dick ; and now the next point of discus-
sion is "



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Handy Andy 237

^ Supper, ready to come up, sir," said a servant, open-
ing the door.

** Then, that *8 the best thing we could discuss, boys,"
said Murphy to his friends ^^ so up with the supper,
Dan. Up with the supper! Up with the Egans!
Down with the Scatterbrains hurrah ! we 'II beat
them gaily."

" Hollow ! " said Durfy.

" Not hollow," said Dick ; " we *11 have a tussle for
it."

" So much the better," cried Murphy ; *' I would not
give a fig for an easy victory there *s no fun in it.
Give me the election that is like a race now one
ahead, and then the other ; the closeness calling out all
the energies of both parties developing their tact and
invention, and, at last, the return secured by a large
majority."

" But think of the glory of a large one," said Dick.

Ay," added Durfy, " beside crushing the hope of a
petition on the part of your enemy to pull down the
majority."

" But think of Murphy's enjoyment," said the doctor,
^in defending the seat, to say nothing of the bill of
costs."

"You have me there, doctor," said Murphy ; " a fair
hit, I grant you \ but see, the supper is on the table. To
it, my lads ; to it ! and then a jolly glass to drink suc-
cess to our friend Egan."

And glass after glass they did drink in all sorts and
shapes of well-wishing toasts ; in short, to have seen the
deep interest those men took in the success of their
friend, might have gladdened the heart of a philanthro-
pist ; though there is no knowing what Father Mathew,
had he flourished in those times, might have said to their
overflowing benevolence.



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CHAPTER XVIII

THE morning of nomination which dawned on
Neck-or-Nothing Hall saw a motley group of
O'Grady's retainers assembling in the stable-yard, and
the out-offices rang to laugh and joke over a rude but
plentiful breakfast tea and coffee, there, had no place
but meat, potatoes, milk, beer, and whisky were at
the option of the body-guard, which was selected for the
honour of escorting the wild chief and his friend, the
candidate, into the town. Of this party was the yeo-
manry-band of which Tom Durfy spoke, though, to say
the truth, considering Tom*s apprehensions on the
subject, it was of slender force. One trumpet, one
clarionet, a fife, a big drum, and a pair of cymbals, with
a ^^real nigger" to play them, were all they could
muster.

After clearing off everything in the shape of break-
fast, the " musicianers " amused the retainers, from
time to time, with a tune on the clarionet, fife, or trum-
pet, while they waited the appearance of the party from
the house. Uproarious mirth and noisy joking rang
round the dwelling, to which none contributed more
largely than the trumpeter, who fancied himself an
immensely clever fellow, and had a heap of cut-and-dry
jokes at his command, and practical drolleries in which
he indulged to the great entertainment of all, but of
none more than Andy, who was in the thick of the row,
and in a divided ecstasy between the " hlaky-moor^i **
turban and cymbals and the trumpeter's jokes and



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Handy Andy 239

music ; the latter articles having a certain resemblance,
by-the-bye, to the former in clumsiness and noise, and
therefore suited to Andy's taste. Whenever occasion
offered, Andy got near the big drum, too, and gave it
a thump, delighted with the result of his ambitious
achievement.

Andy was not lost on the trumpeter : " Arrah, maybe
you 'd like to have a touch at these ? " said the joker,
holding up the cymbals.

'* Is it hard to play them, sir ? " inquired Andy.

" Hard ! " said the trumpeter ; " sure they 're not
hard at all but as soft and smooth as satin inside
just feel them -^ rub your fingers inside."

Andy obeyed; and his finger was chopped between
the two brazen plates. Andy roared, the bystanders
laughed, and the trumpeter triumphed in his wit. Some-
times he would come behind an unsuspecting boor, and
give, close to his ear, a discordant bray from his trum-
pet, like the note of a jackass, which made him jump,
and the crowd roar with merriment ; or, perhaps, when
the clarionet or the fife was engaged in giving the
people a tune, he would drown either, or both of them,
in a wild yell of his instrument. As they could not
make reprisals upon him, he had his own way in playing
whatever he liked for his audience; and in doing so
indulged in all the airs of a great artist pulling out
one crook from another blowing through them softly,
and shaking the moisture from them in a tasty style
arranging them with a fastidious nicety then, after
the final adjustment of the mouth-piece, lipping the
instrument with an affectation exquisitely grotesque ; but
before he began he always asked for another drink.

" It 's not for myself," he would say, " but for the
thrumpet, the crayther; the divil a note she can blow
without a dhrop."

Then, taking a mug of drink, he would present it to
the bell of the trumpet, and afterwards transfer it to his



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240 Handy Andy

own lips, always bowing to the instrument first, and
saying, "Your health, ma'am ! "

This was another piece of delight to the mob, and
Andy thought him the funniest fellow he ever met, though
he did chop his finger.

Faix, sir, an' it is dhry work, I 'm sure, playing the
thing."

"Dhry!" said the trumpeter, " 'pon my ruffles and
tuckers and that's a cambric oath it's worse nor
lime-burnin,' so it is it makes a man's throat as
parched as pays."

** Who dar says pays ? " cried the drummer.

** Howld your prate ! " said the trumpeter, elegantly,
and silenced all reply by playing a tune. As soon as it
was ended, he turned to Andy and asked for a cork.

Andy gave it to him.

The man of jokes aflected to put it into the trumpet.

^ What 's that for, sir ? " asked Andy.

"To bottle up the music," said the trumpeter
"sure all the music would run about the place if I
did n't do that."

Andy gave a vague sort of " ha, ha ! " as if he were
not quite sure whether the trumpeter was in jest or ear-
nest, and thought at the moment that to play the trum-
pet and practical jokes must be the happiest life in the
world. Filled with this idea, Andy was on the watch
how he could possess himself of the trumpet, for could
he get one blast on it, he would be happy : a chance at
last opened to him ; after some time, the lively owner
of the treasure laid down his instrument to handle a
handsome blackthorn which one of the retainers was
displaying, and he made some flourishes with the weapon
to show that music was not his only accomplishment.
Andy seized the opportunity and the trumpet, and made
oflT to one of the sheds where they had been regaling ;
and, shutting the door to secure himself from observa-
tion, he put the trumpet to his mouth and distended



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Handy Andy 241

his cheeks near to bursting with the violence of his
efforts to produce a sound ; but all his puffing was un-
availing for some minutes. At last a faint cracked
squeak answered a more desperate blast than before, and
Andy was delighted. " Everything must have a begin-
ning," thought Andy, " and maybe I '11 get a tune out
of it yet." He tried again, and increased in power ; for
a sort of strangled screech was the result. Andy was
in ecstas^', and began to indulge visions of being one
day a trumpeter; he strutted up and down the shed like
the original he so envied, and repeated some of the
drolleries he heard him utter. He also imitated his
actions of giving a drink to the trumpet, and was more
generous to the instrument than the owner, for he really
poured about half a pint of beer down its throat : he
then drank its health, and finished by ^^ bottling up the
music," absolutely cramming a cork into the trumpet.
Now Andy, having no idea the trumpeter made a sham
of the action, made a vigorous plunge of a goodly cork
into the throat of the instrument, and, in so doing, the
cork went further than he intended : he tried to with-
draw it, but his clumsy fingers, instead of extracting,
only drove it in deeper he became alarmed and,
seizing a fork, strove with its assistance to remedy the
mischief he had done, but the more he poked, the worse ;
and, in his fright, he thought the safest thing he could
do was to cram the cork out of sight altogether, and
having soon done that, he returned to the yard, and laid
down the trumpet unobserved.

Immediately after, the procession to the town started.
O' Grady gave orders that the party should not be throw-
ing away their powder and shot, as he called it, in un-
timely huzzas and premature music. "Wait till you
come to the town, boys," said he, " and then you may
smash away as hard as you can -, blow your heads off, and
split the sky."

The party of Merryvale was in motion for the place

VOL, 1. 16



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242 Handy Andy

of action about the same time, and a merrier pack of
rascals never was on the march. Murphy, in accord-
ance with his preconceived notion of a " fine effect,"
had literally ^^ a cart full of fiddlers ; " but the fiddlers
had n't it all to themselves, for there was another cart
full of pipers ; and, by way of mockery to the grandeur
of Scatterbrain's band, he had four or five boys with
gridirons, which they played upon with pokers, and half
a dozen strapping fellows carrying large iron tea-trays,
which they whopped after the manner of a Chinese
gong.

It so happened that the two roads from Merry vale and
Neck-or-Nothing Hall met at an acute angle, at the
same end of the town, and it chanced that the rival can-
didates and their retinues arrived at this point about the
same time.

** There they are ! " said Murphy, who presided in
the cart full of fiddlers like a leader in an orchestra,
with a shillelah for his hatoriy which he flourished over his
head as he shouted, ^^ Now give it to them, your sowls !

rasp and lilt away, boys ! slate the gridirons, Mike !

smaddher the tay-tray, Tom ! "

The uproar of strange sounds that followed, shouting
included, may be easier imagined than described ; and
O'Grady, answering the war-cry, sung out to his band

" What are you at, you lazy rascals ? don't you hear
them blackguards beginning ? fire away, and be hanged
to you ! ^ His rascals shouted, bang went the drum,
and clang went the cymbals, the clarionet squeaked,
and the fife tootled, but the trumpet ah ! the trum-
pet their great reliance where was the trumpet?
O'Grady inquired in the precise words, with a diabolical
addition of his own. " Where the d is the trum-
pet ? " said he ; he looked over the side of the carriage
as he spoke, and saw the trumpeter spitting out a mouth-
ful of beer which had run from the instrument as he
lifted it to his mouth.



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Handy Andy 243

" Bad luck to you, what are you wasting your time
there for ? " thundered O'Grady in a rage ; ^ why did n't
you spit out when you were young, and you M be a
clean old man ? Blow and be d to you ! "

The trumpeter filled his lungs for a great blast, and
put the trumpet to his lips but in vain ; Andy had
bottled his music for him. O'Grady, seeing the inflated
cheeks and protruding eyes of the musician, whose vis-
age was crimson with exertion, and yet no sound pro-
duced, thought the fellow was practising one of his jokes
upon him, and became excessively indignant ; he thun-
dered anathemas at him, but his voice was drowned in
the din of the drum and cymbals, which were plied so
vigorously, that the clarionet and fife shared the same
fate as O'Grady's voice. The trumpeter could judge
of O'Grady's rage from the fierceness of his actions
only, and answered him in pantomimic expression, hold-
ing up his trumpet and pointing into the bell, with a grin
of vexation on his phiz, meant to express something was
wrong ; but this was all mistaken by the fierce O'Grady,
who only saw in the trumpeter's grins the insolent
intention of jibing him.

" Blow, you blackguard, blow ! " shouted the Squire.
Bang went the drum.

'* Blow or I '11 break your neck ! " Crash went
the cymbals.

" Stop your banging there, you ruffians, and let me be
heard ! " roared the excited man ; but as he was stand-
ing up on the seat of the carriage, and flung his arms
about wildly as he spoke, the drummer thought his
action was meant to stimulate him to further exertion,
and he banged away louder than before.

" By the hokey, I '11 murder some o' ye ! " shouted
the Squire, who, ordering the carriage to pull up, flung
open the door and jumped out, made a rush at the drum-
mer, seized his principal drumstick, and giving him a
bang over the head with it, cursed him for a rascal for



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244 Handy Andy

not stopping when he told him \ this silenced all the
instruments together, and O'Grady, seizing the trum-
peter by the back of the neck, shook him violently, while
he denounced with fierce imprecations his insolence in
daring to practise a joke on him. The trumpeter pro-
tested his innocence, and O' Grady called him a lying
rascal, finishing his abuse by clenching his fist in a
menacing attitude, and telling him to play.

" I can't, yer honour ! "
^ " You lie, you scoundrel."

" There 's something in the trumpet, sir,'*

*' Yes, there 's music in it ; and if you don't blow it
out of it "

" I can't blow it out of it, sir."

" Hold your prate, you ruffian ; blow this minute,"

"Arrah, thry it yourself, sir," said the frightened
man, handing the instrument to the Squire.

** D n your impudence, you rascal ; do you think
I 'd blow anything that was in your dirty mouth ? Blow,
I tell you, or it will be worse for you."

" By the vartue o' my oath, your honour "

** Blow, I tell you ! "

" By the seven blessed candles "

" Blow, I tell you ! "

" The trumpet is choked, sir."

'* There will be a trumpeter choked, soon," said
O'Grady, gripping him by the neck-handkerchief, with
his knuckles ready to twist into his throat. ^^ By this
and that I '11 strangle you, if you don't play this minute,
you humbugger."

"By the Blessed Virgin, I'm not humbiggin' your
honour," stammered the trumpeter with the little breath
O'Grady left him.

Scatterbrain, seeing O'Grady's fury, and fearful of its
consequences, had alighted from the carriage and came
to the rescue, suggesting to the infuriated Squire that
what the man said might be true. O'Grady said he



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Handy Andy 245

knew better, that the blackguard was a notorious joker,
and having indulged in a jest in the first instance, was
now only lying to save himself from punishment; fur-
thermore, swearing that if he did not play that minute
he 'd throw him into the ditch.

With great difficulty O'Grady was prevailed upon to
give up the gripe of the trumpeter's throat; and the
poor breathless wretch, handing the instrument to the
clarionet-player, appealed to him if it were possible to
play on it. The clarionet-player said he could not
tell, for he did not understand the trumpet.

" You see there ! " cried O'Grady. " You see he 's
humbugging, and the clarionet-player is an honest man."

" An honest man ! " exclaimed the trumpeter, turn-
ing fiercely on the clarionet-player. '' He *s the big-
gest villain unhanged for sthrivin' to get me murthered,
and refiisin* the evidence for me ! " The man's eyes
flashed fury as he' spoke, and throwing his trumpet
down, ** Mooney ! by jakers, you're no man!"
Clenching his fist as he spoke, he made a rush on the
clarionet-player, and planted a hit on his mouth with
such vigour, that he rolled in the dust ; and when he
rose, it was with such an upper lip that his clarionet-
playing was evidently finished for the next week
certainly.

Now the fifer was the clarionet-player's brother ; and
he, turning on the trumpeter, roared

^ Bad luck to you ! you did not sthrek him fair ! "

But while in the very act of reprobating the foul
blow, he let fly under the ear of the trumpeter, who
was quite unprepared for it, and he, too, measured
his kngth on the road. On recovering his legs he
rushed on the fifer for revenge, and a regular scuffle
ensued among "the musicianers," to the great delight
of the crowd of retainers, who were so well primed
with whisky that a fight was just the thing to their
taste.



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246 Handy Andy

In vain O'Grady swore at them, and went amongst
them, striving to restore .order, but they would not be
quiet till several black eyes and damaged noses bore
evidence of a busy five minutes having passed. In
the course of ''the scrimmage,** Fate was unkind to
the fifer, whose mouth-piece was considerably impaired ;
and ''the boys" remarked, that the worst stick you
could have in a crowd was a "whistling stick," by
which name they designated the fifer^s instrument.

At last, however, peace was restored, and the trum-
peter again ordered to play by O'Grady.

He protested, again, it was impossible.

The fifer, in revenge, declared he was only humbug-
ging the Squire.

Hereupon O'Grady, seizing the unfortunate trum-
peter, gave him a more sublime kicking than ever fell
to the lot of even piper or fiddler, whose pay^ is
proverbially oftener in that article than the coin of the
realm.

Having tired himself, and considerably rubbed down
the toe of his boot with his gentlemanly exercise,
O'Grady dragged the trumpeter to the ditch, and rolled
him into it, there to cool the fever which burned in his
seat of honour.

O'Grady then re-entered the carriage with Scatter-
brain, and the party proceeded ; but the clarionet-player
could not blow a note ; the fifer was not in good playing
condition, and tootled with some difficulty ; the drum-
mer was obliged now and then to relax his efforts in
making a noise that he might lift his right arm to his
nose, which had got damaged in the fray, and the pro-
cess of wiping his face with his cuff changed the white
facings of his jacket to red. The negro cymbal-player
was the only one whose damages were not to be ascer-
tained, as a black eye would not tell on him, and his
lips could not be more swollen than nature had made

1 Fiddlers* fare, or pipers* pay - more kicks than halfpence.



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Handy Andy 247

them. On the procession went, however ; but the rival
mob, the Eganites, profiting by the delay caused by the
row, got ahead, and entered the town first, with their
pipers and fiddlers, hurrahing their way in good humour
down the street, and occupying the best places in the
court-house before the arrival of the opposite party,
whose band, instead of being a source of triumph, was
only a thing of jeering merriment to the Eganites, who
received them with mockery and laughter. All this by
no means sweetened 0'Grady*s temper, who looked
thunder as he entered the court-house with his candi-
date, who was, though a good-humoured fellow, a little
put out by the accidents of the morning ; and Furlong
looked more sheepish than ever, as he followed his leaders.

The business of the day was opened by the high-
sherifF, and Major Dawson lost no time in rising to
propose, that Edward Egan, Esquire, of Merryvale, was
a fit and proper person to represent the county in
parliament.

The proposition was received with cheers by " the
boys ** in the body of the court-house ; the Major pro-
ceeded, full sail, in his speech his course aided by
being on the popular current, and the *' sweet voices "
of the multitude blowing in his favour. On concluding
(as ** the boys " thought) his address, which was straight-
forward and to the point, a voice in the crowd proposed
" Three cheers for the owld Major." Three deafening
peals followed the hint.

" And now," said the Major, " I will read a few ex-
tracts here from some documents, in support of what I
have had the honour of addressing to you." And he
pulled out a bundle of papers as he spoke, and laid them
down before him.

The movement was not favoured by " the boys," as
it indicated a tedious reference to facts by no means to
their taste, and the same voice that suggested the three
cheers, now sung out



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248 Handy Andy

"Never mind, Major sure we'll take your word
for it ! "

Cries of " Order ! " and " Silence ! " ensued -, and
were followed by murmurs, coughs, and sneezes, in the
crowd, with a considerable shuffling of hobnailed shoes
on the pavement.

" Order ! " cried a voice in authority.

" Order anything you plaze, sir ! " said the voice in
the crowd,

" Whisky ! " cried one.

" Porther ! " cried another.

" Tabakky ! " roared a third.

** I must insist on silence ! " cried the sheriff, in 9
very husky voice. "Silence ! or I '11 have the court-
house cleared."

" 'Faith, if you cleared your own throat it would be
better," said the wag in the crowd.

A laugh followed. The sheriff felt the hit, and was
silent.

The Major all this time had been adjusting his spec-
tacles on his nose, unconscious, poor old gentleman, that
Dick, according to promise, had abstracted the glasses
from them that morning. He took up his documents
to read, made sundry wry faces, turned the papers up
to the light, now on this side, and now on that,
but could make out nothing ; while Dick gave a know-
ing wink at Murphy. The old gentleman took off his
spectacles to wipe the glasses.

The voice in the crowd cried, "Thank you. Major."

The Major pulled out his handkerchief, and his fingers
met where he expected to find a lens : he looked very
angry, cast a suspicious glance at Dick, who met it with
the composure of an anchorite, and quietly asked what
was the matter.

**I shall not trouble you, gentlemen, with the ex-
tracts," said the Major.

" Hear, hear," responded the genteel part of the
auditory.



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Handy Andy 249

" I tould you we M take your word. Major," cried the
voice in the crowd.

Egan's seconder followed the Major, and the crowd
shouted again. O'Grady now came forward to propose
the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, as a lit and proper
person to represent the county in parliament. He was
received by his own set of vagabonds with uproarious
cheers, and " O'Grady for ever ! " made the walls ring.
" Egan for ever ! " and hurras, were returned from the
Mcrryvalians. O'Grady thus commenced his address :

" In coming forward to support my honourable friend,
the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, it is from the
conviction the conviction "

"Who got the conviction agcn the potteen last
sishin ? " said the voice in the crowd.

Loud, groans followed this allusion to the prosecution
of a few little private stills, in which O'Grady had
shown some unnecessary severity that made him unpop-
ular. Cries of " Order ! " and " Silence ! " ensued.

** I say the conviction," repeated O'Grady fiercely,
looking towards the quarter whence the interruption
took place, " and if there is any blackguard here who
dares to interrupt me, I '11 order him to be taken out by
the ears. I say, I propose my honourable friend, the
Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, from the conviction
that there is a necessity in this county "

** 'Faith, there is plenty of necessity," said the tor-
mentor in the crowd.

** Take that man out," said the sheriff.

*' Don't hurry yourself, sir," returned the delinquent,
amidst the laughter of "the boys," in proportion to
whose merriment rose O'Grady's ill-humour.

" I say there is a necessity for a vigorous member to
represent this county in parliament, and support the laws,
the constitution, the crown, and the the interests
of the county ! "
. " Who made the new road ? " was a question that



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250 Handy Andy

now arose from the crowd a laugh followed and
some groans at this allusion to a bit of jobbing on the
part of O'Grady, who got a grand jury presentment to
make a road which served nobody's interest but his own.

"The frequent interruptions I meet here from the
lawless and disaffected show too plainly that we stand in
need of men who will support the arm of the law in
purging the country."

"Who killed the 'pothecary?" said a fellow, in a
voice so deep as seemed fit only to issue from the jaws
of death.

The question, and the extraordinary voice in which it
was uttered, produced one of those roars of laughter
which sometimes shake public meetings in Ireland ; and
O' Grady grew furious.

" If I knew who that gentleman was, I *d pay him ! *'
said he.

"You'd better pay them you know^* was the answer j
and this allusion to O'Grady's notorious character of a
bad payer, was relished by the crowd, and again raised
the laugh against him.

"Sir," said O'Grady, addressing the sheriff, "I hold
this ruffianism in contempt. I treat it, and the authors
of it, those who no doubt have instructed them, with
contempt." He looked over to where Egan and his
friends stood, as he spoke of the crowd having had in-
struction to interrupt him.

" If you mean, sir," said Egan, " that I have given
any such instructions, I deny, in the most unqualified
terms, the truth of such an assertion."

" Keep yourself cool, Ned," said Dick Dawson, close
to his ear.

" Never fear me," said Egan ; *' but I won't let him
bully."

The two former friends now exchanged rather fierce
looks at each other.

" Then why am I interrupted ? *' asked O'Grady.



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Handy Andy 251

^ It is no business of mine to answer that,'* replied
Egan ; ^ but I repeat the unqualified denial of your
assertion."

The crowd ceased its noise when the two Squires
were seen engaged in exchanging smart words.) in the
hopes of catching what they said.

^^ It is a disgraceful uproar," said the sheriff.

"Then' it is your business. Mister Sheriff," returned
Egan, "to suppress it not mine; they are quiet
enough now."

" Yes, but they '11 make a wow again," said Furlong,
" when Miste' O'Gwady begins."

" You seem to know all about it," said Dick \
" maybe you have instructed them."

" No, sir, I did n't instwuct them," said Furlong,
very angry at being twitted by Dick.

Dick laughed in his face, and said, " Maybe that 's
some of your electioneering tactics eh ? "

Furlong got very angry, while Dick and Murphy
shouted with laughter at him "No, sir," said Fur-
long, "I don't welish the pwactice of such di'ty
twicks."

** Do you apply the word * dirty ' to me, sir ? " said
Dick the Devil, ruffling up like a game-cock. " I 'II
tell you what, sir, if you make use of the word * dirty '
again, I 'd think very little of kicking you ay, or eight
like you I '11 kick eight Furlongs one mile."

" Who 's talking of kicking ? " asked O'Grady.

" I am," said Dick, " do you want any ? "

" Gentlemen ! gentlemen ! " cried the sheriff, " order !
pray order ! do proceed with the business of the day."

" I 'II talk to you after about this ! " said O'Grady,
in a threatening tone.

*' Very well," said Dick ; " we Ve time enough, the
day 's young yet."

O'Grady then proceeded to find fault with Egan, cen-
suring his politics, and endeavouring to justify his de



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252 Handy Andy

fection from the same cause. He concluded thus :
" Sir, I shall pursue my course of duty -, I have chalked
out my own line of conduct, sir, and I am convinced
no other line is the right line. Our opponents are
wrong, sir totally wrong all wrong; and, as I
have said, I have chalked out my own line, sir, and
I propose the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as a
fit and proper person to sit in parliament for the repre-
sentation of this county."

The 0*Gradyites shouted as their chief concluded;
and the Merry valians returned some groans, and a ciy
of ** Go home, turncoat ! "

Egan now presented himself, and was received with
deafening and long-continued cheers, for he was really
beloved by the people at large ; his frank and easy
nature, the amiable character he bore in all his social
relations, the merciful and conciliatory tendency of his
decisions and conduct as a magistrate, won him the
solid respect as well as affection of the country.

He had been for some days in low spirits in conse-
quence of Lariy Hogan's visit and mysterious communi-
cation with him ; but this, its cause, was unknown to
all but himself, and therefore more difficult to support ;
for none but those whom sad experience has taught
can tell the agony of enduring in secret and in silence
the pang that gnaws a proud heart, which. Spartan
like, will let the tooth destroy, without complaint or
murmur.

His depression, however, was apparent, and Dick
told Murphy he feared Ned would not be up to the
mark at the election ; but Murphy, with a better knowl-
edge of human nature, and the excitement of such a
cause, said, " Never fear him ambition is a long spur,
my boy, and will stir the blood of a thicker-skinned
fellow than your brother-in-law. When he comes to
stand up and assert his claims before the world, he'll
be all ri^tl''



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Handy Andy 253

Murphy was a true prophet, for Egan presented him-
self with confidence, brightness, and good-humour on his
open countenance.

** The first thing I have to ask of you, boys," said
Egan, addressing the assembled throng, ^^ is a fair hear-
ing for the other candidate."

" Hear, hear," followed from the gentlemen in the
gallery.

^^ And, as he 's a stranger amongst us, let him have
the privilege of first addressing you."

With these words he bowed courteously to Scatter-
brain, who thanked him very much like a gentleman,
and accepting his offer, advanced to address the electors.
O'Grady waved his hand in signal to his body-guard,
and Scatterbrain had three cheers from the ragamuffins.

He was no great things of a speaker, but he was a
good-humoured fellow, and this won on the Paddies;
and although coming before them under the disadvan-
tage of being proposed by O'Grady, they heard him with
good temper : to this, however, Egan's good word
considerably contributed.

He went very much over the ground his proposer had
taken, so that, bating the bad temper, the pith of his
speech was much the same, quite as much deprecating
the political views of his opponent, and harping on
O'Grady's worn-out catch-word of " Having chalked
out a line for himself," &c. &c. &c.

Egan now stood forward, and was greeted with fresh
cheers. He began in a very Irish fashion; for, being
an unaffected, frank, and free-hearted fellow himself, he
knew how to touch the feelings of those who possess
such qualities. He waited till the last echo of the
uproarious greeting died away, and the first simple
words he uttered were

" Here I am, boys ! "

Simple as these words were, they produced " one
cheer more."



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254 Handy Andy

^ Here I am, boys the same I ever was*^

Loud huzzas and ^^ Long life to you ! " answered the
last pithy words, which were sore ones to O'Grady,
who, as a renegade, felt the hit.

"Fellow-countrymen, I come forward to represent
you, andls however I may be unequal to that task, at
least I will never m/jrepresent you.*'

Another cheer followed.

** My past life is evidence enough on that point ;
God forbid I were of the mongrel breed of Irishmen
who speak ill of their own country. I never did it,
boys, and I never will ! Some think they get on by it,
and so they do, indeed; they get on as sweeps and
shoe-blacks get on they drive a dirty trade and find
employment ; but are they respected ? "

Shouts of "No! noM'

** You 're right ! No ! they are not respected
even by their very employers. Your political sweep
and shoe-black is no more respected than he who cleans
our chimneys or cleans our shoes. The honourable
gentleman who has addressed you last confesses he is a
stranger amongst you ; and is he^ a stranger, to be your
representative ? You may be civil to a stranger it is
a pleasing duty, but he is not the man to whom you
would give your confidence. You might share a hearty
glass with a stranger, but you would not enter into a
joint lease of a farm without knowing a little more of
him ; and if you would not trust a single farm with a
stranger, will you give a whole county into his hands ?
When a stranger comes to these parts, I 'm sure he '11
get a civil answer from every man I see here, he will
get a civil ' yes * or a civil * no ' to his questions ; and
if he seeks his way, you will show him"^ his road. As to
the honourable gentleman who has done you the favour
to come and ask you civilly, will you give him the
county, you as civilly may answer * No,' and show him
bis road home again. (' So we will.') As for the gentle*



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Handy Andy 255

man who proposed him, he has chosen to make certain
strictures upon my views, and opinions, and conduct.
As for views there was a certain heathen god the
Romans worshipped, called Janus; he was a fellow
with two heads and by-the-bye, boys, he would have
been just the fellow to live amdngst us ; for when one
of his heads was broken he would have had the other
for use. Well, this Janus was called * double-face,'
and could see before and behind him. Now, Vm no
doubU-facty boys ; and as for seeing before and behind
me, I can look back on the past and forward to the
future, and both the roads are straight ones. (Cheers.)
I wish every one could say as much. As for my
opinions, all I shall say is, / never changed mine ; Mr.
O'Grady can't say as much."

"Sure there's a weathercock in the family," said
the voice in the crowd.

A loud laugh followed this sally, for the old dowager's
eccentricity was not quite a secret. O'Grady looked as
if he could have eaten the whole crowd at a mouthful.

" Much has been said," continued Egan, " about
gentlemen chalking out lines for themselves ; now,
the plain English of this determined chalking of their
own line is rubbing out every other man's line, (Bravo.)
Some of these chalking gentlemen have lines chalked up
against them, and might find it difficult to pay the score
if they were called to account. To such, rubbing out
other men's lines, and their own too, may be conven-
ient ; but I don't like the practice. Boys, I have no
more to say than this, ff^e know and can trust each
other r'

Egan's address was received with acclamation, and
when silence was restored, the sheriff demanded a show
of hands; and a very fine show of hands there was, and
every hand had a stick in it.

The show of hands was declared to be in favour of
Egan, whereupon a poll was demanded on the part of



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256 Handy Andy

Scatterbrain, after which every one began to move from
the court-house.

O'Grady, in very ili-humour, was endeavouring to
shove past a herculean fellow, rather ragged and very
saucy, who did not seem inclined to give place to the
savage elbowing of the Squire.

" What brings such a ragged rascal as you here ? "
said O'Grady, brutally ; " you 're not an elector."

" Yis, I am ! " replied the fellow, sturdily.

" Why, you can't have a lease, you beggar."

'* No, but maybe I have an article." ^

" What is your article ? "

** What is it ? " retorted the fellow, with a fierce look
at O'Grady. " 'Faith, it 's a fine brass blunderbuss; and
I *d like to see the man would dispute the title.**

O'Grady had met his master, and could not reply;
the crowd shouted for the ragamuffin, and all parties
separated, to gird up their loins for the next day's poll.

^ A name given to a written engagement between landlord and
tenant, promising to grant a lease, on which registration is allowed
in Ireland.



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CHAPTER XIX

AFTER the angry words* exchanged at the nomina
tion, the most peaceable reader must have an^
ticipated the probability of a duel ; but when the
inflammable stuff of which Irishmen are made is con-
sidered, together with the excitement and pugnacious
spirit attendant upon elections in all places, the certainty
of a hostile meeting must have been apparent. The
sheriff might have put the gentlemen under arrest, it is
true, but that officer was a weak, thoughtless, irresolute
person, and took no such precaution ; though, to do the
poor man justice, it is only fair to say that such an in-
tervention of audiority at such a time and place would
be considered on all hands as a very impertinent, un-
justifiable, and discourteous interference with the private
pleasures and privileges of gentlemen.

Dick Dawson had a message conveyed to him from
O'Grady, requesting the honour of his company the
next morning to " grass before breakfast ! " to which,
of course, Dick returned an answer expressive of the
utmost readiness to oblige the Squire with his presence ;
and, as the business of the election was of importance,
it was agreed they should meet at a given spot on the
way to the town, and so lose as little time as possible.

The next morning, accordingly, the parties met at the
appointed place, Dick attended by Edward O'Connor
and Egan the former in capacity of his friend ; and
O'Grady, with Scatterbrain for his second, and Furlong
a looker-on: there were some straggling spectators
besides, to witness the aflair.
VOL, I. 17



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258 Handy Andy

** O'Grady looks savage, Dick," said Edward.

" Yes," answered Dick, with a smile of as much un-
concern as if he were going to lead off a country dance.
^^ He looks as pleasant as a bull in a pound."

" Take care of yourself, my dear Dick," said Edward
seriously.

'* My dear boy, don't make yourself uneasy ,** replied
Dick, laughing. "1*11 bet you two to one he misses
me.

Edward made no reply, but, to his sensitive and more
thoughtful nature, betting at such a moment savoured
too much of levity, so, leaving his friend, he advanced
to Scatterbrain, and they commenced making the pre-
liminary preparations.

During the period which this required O'Grady was
looking down sulkily or looking up fiercely, and striking
his heel with vehemence into the sod, while Dick Daw-
son was whistling a planxty and eyeing his man.

The arrangements were soon made, the men placed
on their ground, and Dick saw by the intent look with
which O'Grady marked him, that he meant mischief;
they were handed their pistols the seconds retired
the word was given, and as O'Grady raised his pistol,
Dick saw he was completely covered, and suddenly ex-
claimed, throwing up his arm, " I beg your pardon for
a moment."

O'Grady involuntarily lowered his weapon, and see-
ing Dick standing perfectly erect, and nothing following
his sudden request for this suspension of hostilities} asked,
in a very angry tone, why he had interrupted him. ** Be-
cause I saw you had me covered," said Dick, "and
you 'd have hit me if you bad fired that time : now fire
away as soon as you like ! " added he, at the same mo-
ment rapidly bringing up his own pistol to the level.

O'Grady was taken by surprise, and fancying Dick
was going to blaze at him, fired hastily, and missed his
adversary.



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Handy Andy 259

Dick made him a low bow, and fired in the air.

O'Grady wanted another shot, saying Dawson had
tricked him, but Scatterbrain felt the propriety of Ed-
ward O'Connor's objection to further fighting, after
Dawson receiving O'Grady's fire; so the gentlemen
were removed from the ground and the afiair terminated.

O'Grady, having fully intended to pink Dick, was
excessively savage at being overreached, and went off to
the election with a temper by no means sweetened by
the morning's adventure, while Dick roared with laugh-
ing, exclaiming at intervals to Edward O'Connor, as he
was putting up his pistols, ^^ Did not I do him neatly? "

Off they cantered gaily to the high road, exchanging
merry and cheering salutations with the electors, who
were thronging towards the town in great numbers and
all variety of manner, group, and costume, some on foot,
some on horseback, and some on cars ; the gayest show
of holiday attire contrasting with the every-day rags of
wretchedness; the fresh cheek of health and beauty
making gaunt misery look more appalling, and the elastic
step of vigorous youth outstripping the tardy pace of
feeble age. Pedestrians were hurrying on in detach-
ments of five or six the equestrians in companies less
numerous; sometimes the cavalier who could boast a
saddle carrying a woman on a pillion behind him. But
saddle or pillion were not an indispensable accompani-
ment to this equestrian duo, for many a ** bare-back "
garran carried his couple, his only harness being a halter
made of a hay-rope, which in time of need sometimes
proves a substitute for " rack and manger," for it is not
uncommon in Ireland to see the garran nibbling the end
of his bridle when opportunity offers. The cars were in
great variety ; some bore small kishes,^ in which a
woman and some children might be seen ; others had a
shake-down of clean straw to serve for cushions ; while

1 A large basket of coarse wicker-work, used mostly for carrying
turf Anglice, peat



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26o Handy Andy

the better sort spread a feather-bed for greater comfort,
covered by a patchwork quilt, the work of the "good
woman" herself, whose own quilted petticoat vied in
brightness with the calico roses on which she was sitting.
The most luxurious indulged still further in some arched
branches of hazel, which, bent above the car in the
fashion of a booth, bore another coverlid, by way of
awning, and served for protection against the weather;
but few there were who could indulge in such a luxury
as this of the " chaise marine^^ which is the name the
contrivance bears, but why, Heaven only knows.

The street of the town had its centre occupied at the
broadest place with a long row of cars, covered in a
similar manner to the chaist marine^ a door or a shutter
laid across underneath the awning, after the fashion of a
counter, on which various articles were displayed for sale ;
for the occasion of the election was as good as a fair to
the small dealers, and the public were therefore favoured
with the usual opportunity of purchasing uneatable ginger-
bread, knives that would not cut, spectacles to increase
blindness, and other articles of equal usefulness.

While the dealers here displayed their ware, and were
vociferous in declaring its excellence, noisy groups passed
up and down on either side of these ambulatory shops,
discussing the merits of the candidates, predicting the
result of the election, or giving an occasional cheer for
their respective parties, with the twirl of a stick or the
throwing up of a hat ; while from the houses on both
sides of the street the scraping of fiddles, and the lilting
of pipes, increased the mingled din.

But the crowd was thickest and the uproar greatest in
front of the inn where Scatterbrain*s committee sat, and
before the house of Murphy, who gave up all his estab-
lishment to the service of the election, and whose stable-
yard made a capital place of mustering for the tallies of
Egan's electors to assemble ere they marched to the poll.
At last the hour for opening the poll struck, the inn



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Handy Andy 261

poured forth the Scatterbrains, and Murphy's stable-
yard the Eganites, the two bodies of electors uttering
thundering shouts of defiance, as, with rival banners
flying, they joined in one common stream, rushing to
give their votes for as for their voices^ they were
giving them most liberally and strenuously already. The
dense crowd soon surrounded the hustings in front of
the court-house, and the throes and heavings of this
living mass resembled a turbulent sea lashed by a tem-
pest : but what sea is more unruly than an excited
crowd ? what tempest fiercer than the breath of polit-
ical excitement ?

Conspicuous amongst those on the hustings were both
the candidates, and their aiders and abettors on either
side O'Grady and Furlong, Dick Dawson and Tom
Durfy for work, and Growling to laugh at them all.
Edward O'Connor was addressing the populace in a
spirit-stirring appeal to their pride and affections, stimu-
lating them to support their tried and trusty friend, and
not yield the honour of their county either to fears or
favours of a stranger, nor copy the bad example which
some (who ought to blush) had set them, of betraying
old friends and abandoning old principles. Edward's
address was cheered by those who heard it : but being
heard is not essential to the applause attendant on polit-
ical addresses, for those who do not hear cheer quite as
much as those who do. The old adage hath it, ^^ Show
me your company, and I '11 tell you who you arc ; "
and in the spirit of the adage one might say, " Let me see
the speech-maker, an' I '11 tell you what he says." So
when Edward O'Connor spoke, the boys welcomed him
with a shout of "Ned of the Hill for ever!" and
knowing to what tune his mouth would be opened, they
cheered accordingly when he concluded. O'Grady, on
evincing a desire to address them, was not so success-
ful ; the moment he showed himself, taunts were flung
at him : but spite of this, attempting to frown down



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262 Handy Andy

their dissatisfaction, he began to speak ; but he had not
uttered six words when his voice was drowned in the
discordant yells of a trumpet. It is scarcely necessary to
tell the reader that the performer was the identical
trumpeter of the preceding day, whom O'Grady had
kicked so unmercifully, who, in indignation at his
wrongs, had gone over to the enemy \ and having, aftei
a night's hard work, disengaged the cork which Andy
had crammed into his trumpet, appeared in the crowd
ready to do battle in the popular cause. " Wait," he
cried, ^^ till that savage of a baste of a Squire dares for to
go for to spake ! won't I smother him ! " Then he
would put his instrument of vengeance to his lips, and
produce a yell that made his auditors put their hands to
their ears. Thus armed, he waited near the platform for
O'Grady's speech, and put his threat effectually into exe-
cution. O'Grady saw whence the annoyance proceeded,
and shook his fist at the delinquent, with protestations
that the police should drag him from the crowd, if he
dared to continue \ but every threat was blighted in the
bud by the withering blast of a trumpet, which was
regularly followed by a peal of laughter from the crowd.
O'Grady stamped and swore with rage, and calling
Furlong, sent him to inform the sheriff how riotous the
crowd were, and requested him to have the trumpeter
seized.

Furlong hurried ofF on his mission, and after a long
search for the potential functionary, saw him in a dis-
tant corner, engaged in what appeared to be an urgent
discussion between him and Murtough Murphy, who
was talking in the most jocular manner to the sheriff,
who seemed anything but amused with his argumenta-
tive merriment. The fact was. Murphy, while pushing
the interests of Egan with an energy unsurpassed, did
it with all the utmost cheerfulness, and gave his oppo-
nents a laugh in exchange for the point gained against
them, and while he defeated, amused them. Furlong,



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Handy Andy 263

after shoving and elbowing his way through the crowd,
suffering from heat and exertion, czm^ fussing up to the
sheriff, wiping his face with a scented cambric pocket-
handkerchief. The sheriff and Murphy were standing
close beside one of the poUing-desks, and on Furlong's
lisping out " Miste' Shewiff," Murphy, recognising the
voice and manner, turned suddenly round, and with the
most provoking cordiality addressed him thus, with a
smile and a nod, ^^ Ah ! Mister Furlong, how d' ye do ?
delighted to see you ; here we are at it, sir, hammer
and tongs of course you are come to vote for Egan ? "

Furlong, who intended to annihilate Murphy with an
indignant repetition of the provoking question put to
him, threw as much of defiance as he could in his
namby-pamby manner, and exclaimed, ^^ / vote for
Egan ! "

'' Thank you, sir," said Murphy. " Record the
vote," added he to the clerk.

There was loud laughter on one side, and anger as
loud on the other, at the way in which Murphy had
entrapped Furlong, and cheated him into voting against
his own party. In vain the poor gull protested he
never meant to vote for Egan.

" But you did it," cried Murphy.

" What the deuce have you done ? " cried Scatter-
brain's agent, in a rage.

"Of course, tbey know I would n't vote that way,"
said Furlong. " I could nU vote that way it *s a mis-
take, and I pwotest against the twick."

" We Ve got the trick, and we '11 keep it, however,"
said Murphy.

Scatterbrain's agent said 't was unfair, and desired the
polling-clerk not to record the vote.

" Did n't every one hear him say, * I vote for Egan ? ' "
asked Murphy.

" But he did n't mean it, sir," said the agent.

" I don't care what he meant, but I know he said it/



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264 Handy Andy

retorted Murphy ; ^ and every one round knows he said
h; and as I mean what I say myself, I suppose every
other gentleman does the same down with the vote,
Mister Polling-clerk."

A regular wrangle now took place between the two
agents, amidst the laughter of the bystanders, whose
merriment was increased by Furlong's vehement assur-
ances he did not mean to vote as Murphy wanted to
make it appear he had ; but the more he protested, the
more the people laughed. This increased his energy in
fighting out the point, until Scatterbrain's agent recom-
mended him to desist, for that he was only interrupting
their own voters from coming up. " Never mind now,
sir," said the agent, " I '11 appeal to the assessor about
that vote."

^Appeal as much as you like," said Murtough; ^^that
vote is as dead as a herring to you."

Furlong, finding further remonstrance unavailing, as
regarded his vote, delivered to the sheriff the message
of O'Grady, who was boiling over with impatience,
in the meantime, at the delay of his messenger, and
anxiously expecting the arrival of sheriff and police to
coerce the villanous trumpeter and chastise the applaud-
ing crowd, which became worse and worse every minute.

They exhibited a new source of provocation to
O'Grady, by exposing a rat-trap hung at the end of a
pole, with the caged vermin within, and vociferated " Rat,
rat," in the pauses of the trumpet. Scatterbrain, re-
membering the hearing they gave him the previous
day, hoped to silence them, and begged O'Grady to
permit him to address them ; but the whim of the mob
was up, and could not be easily diverted, and Scatterbrain
himself was hailed with the name of " Rat-catcher."

" You cotch him and I wish you joy of him ? "
cried one.

" How much did you give for him ? " shouted an-
other.



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Handy Andy 265

" What did you bait your thrap with ? " roared a third.

"A bit o' threasury bacon^^ was the answer from a
stentorian voice amidst the multitude, who shouted with
laughter at the apt rejoinder, which they reiterated
from one end of the crowd to the other, and the cry
of " threasury bacon " rang far and wide.

Scatterbrain and P'Grady consulted together on the
hustings what was to be done, while Dick the Devil
was throwing jokes to the crowd, and inflaming their
mischievous merriment, and Growling looking on with
an expression of internal delight at the fun, uproar,
and vexation around him. It was just a dish to his
taste and he devoured it with silent satisfaction.

^^ What the deuce keeps that sneaking dandy ? " cried
O'Grady to Scatterbrain. " He should have returned
long ago." Oh ! could he have only known at that
moment, that his sweet son-in-law elect was voting
against them, what would have been the consequence ?

Another exhibition, insulting to O'Grady, now ap-
peared in the crowd a chimney-pot and weather-
cock, after the fashion of his mother's, was stuck on
a pole, and underneath was suspended an old coat,
turned inside out \ this double indication of his change,
so peculiarly insulting, was elevated before the hust-
ings, amidst the jeers and laughter of the people.
O'Grady was nearly frantic he rushed to the front
of the platform, he shook his fist at the mockery,
poured every abusive epithet on its perpetrators, and
swore he would head the police himself and clear the
crowd. In reply, the crowd hooted, the rat-trap and
weathercock were danced together after the fashion of
Punch and Judy, to the music of the trumpet; and
another pole made its appearance, with a piece of
bacon on it, and a placard bearing the inscription of
" Treasury bacon," all which Tom Durfy had run off
to procure at a huckster's shop the moment he heard
the waggish answer, which he thus turned to account.



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266 Handy Andy

" The military must be called out ! " said O'Grady ,
and with these words he left the platform to seek the
sheriff.

Edward O'Connor, the moment he heard O'Grady's
threat, quitted the hustings also, in company with old
Growling. ** What a savage and dangerous temper that
man has ! " said Edward ; " calling for the military
when the people have committed no outrage to require
such interference."

'* They have polled up the bear with their poles,
sir, and it is likely he '11 give them a hug before he 's
done with them," answered the doctor.

" But what need of military ? " indignantly exclaimed
Edward. **The people are only going on with the
noise and disturbance common to any election, and the
chances are, that savage man may influence the sheriflF
to provoke the people, by the presence of soldiers, to
some act which would not have taken place but for
their interference; and thus they themselves originate''
the offence which they are forearmed with power to
chastise. In England such extreme measures are never
resorted to until necessity compels them. How I
have envied Englishmen, when, on (he occasion of
assizes, every soldier is marched from the town while
the judge is sitting ; in Ireland the place of trial bris-
tles with bayonets ! How much more must a people
respect and love the laws, whose own purity and jus-
tice are their best safeguard whose inherent majesty
is sufficient for their own protection ! The sword of
justice should never need the assistance of the swords
of dragoons ; and in the election of their representa-
tives, as well as at judicial sittings, a people should
be free from military despotism."

^^ But, as an historian, my dear young friend," said
the doctor, " I need not remind you, that dragoons
have been considered ' good lookers-on ' in Ireland
since the days of Strafford."



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Handy Andy 267

" Ay ! " said Edward ; " and scandalous it is, that
the abuses of the seventeenth century should be per-
petuated in the nineteenth.^ While those who govern
show, by the means they adopt for supporting their
authority, that their rule requires undue force to up-
hold it, they tacitly teach resistance to the people, and
their practices imply that the resistance is righteous."

" My dear Master Ned," said the doctor, " you 're
a patriot, and I 'm sorry for you ; you inherit the free
opinions of your namesake 'of the hill,' of blessed
memory ; with such sentiments you may make a very
good Irish barrister, but you '11 never be an Irish judge
and as for a silk gown, 'faith you may leave the
wearing of that to your wife, for stuff is all that will
ever adorn your shoulders."

" Well, I would rather have stuff there than in my
head," answered Edward.

" Very epigrammatic, indeed. Master Ned," said the
doctor. '' Let us make a distich of it," added he, with
a chuckle ; " for, of a verity, some of the K. C.'s of
our times are but dunces. Let 's see how will it
go r

Edward dashed off this couplet in a moment

* Of modem king^s counsel this truth may be said.
They have silk on their shoulders, and stuff xn their head.'*

"Neat enough," said the doctor; "but you might
contrive more sting in it something to the tune of
the impossibility of making ' a silk purse out of a sow's
ear,' but the facility of manufacturing silk gowns out
of bores^ heads."

" That 's out of your bitter pill-box. Doctor," said
Ned, smiling.

^ When Strafford's infamous project of the wholesale robbery of
Connaught was put in practice, not being quite certain of his juries,
he writes that he will send three hundred horse to the province
during the proceedings, as good lookers-on."



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268 Handy Andy

"Put it into rhyme, Ned and set it to music
and dedicate it to the bar mess, and see how you '11
rise in your profession ! Good bye I will be back
again to see the fun as soon as I can, but I must go
now and visit an old woman who is in doubt whether
she stands most in need of me or the priest. It 's
wonderful, how little people think of the other world
till they are going to leave this ; and, with all their
praises of heaven, how very anxious they are to stay
out of it as long as they can."

With this bit of characteristic sarcasm, the doctor
and Edward separated.

Edward had hardly left the hustings, when Murphy
hurried on the platform and asked for him.

" He left a few minutes ago," said Tom Durfy.

" Well, I dare say he 's doing good wherever he is,"
said Murtough ; " I wanted to speak to him, but when
he comes back send him to me. In the meantime,
Tom, run down and bring up a batch of voters we 're
getting a little ahead, I think, with the bothering I 'm
giving them up there, and now I want to push them
with good strong tallies run down to the yard, like a
good fellow, and march them up."

Off posted Tom Durfy on his mission, and Murphy
returned to the court-house.

Tom, on reaching Murphy's house, found a strange
posse of O'Grady's party hanging round the place, and
one of the fellows had backed a car against the yard
gate which opened on the street, and was the outlet for
Egan's voters. By way of excuse for this, the car was
piled with cabbages for sale, and a couple of very unruly
pigs were tethered to the shafts, and the strapping fellow
who owned all kept guard over them. Tom immedi-
ately told him he should leave that place, and an alter-
cation commenced ; but even an electioneering dispute
could not but sayour of fun and repartee, between
Paddies.



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Handy Andy 269

** Be off! " said Tom.

'* Sure I can't be ofF till the market 's over," was the
answer.

" Well, you must take your car out o* this."

" Indeed now, you '11 let me stay, Misther Durfy."

" Indeed I won't."

" Arrah ! what harm ? "

^ You 're stopping up the gate on purpose, and you
must go."

" Sure your honour would n't spile my stand ! "

" 'Faith, I '11 spoil more than your stand, if you don't
leave that."

" Not finer cabbage in the world."

^ Go out o' that now, ' while your shoes are good,' " ^
said Tom, seeing he had none \ for, in speaking of
shoes, Tom had no intention of alluding to the word
choux^ and thus making a French pun upon the cabbage
for Tom did not understand French, but rather
despised it as a jack-a-dandy acquirement.

"Sure, you would n't ruin my market, Misther Durfy."

*' None of your humbugging but be off at once,"
said Tom, whose tone indicated he was very much in
earnest.

" Not a nicer slip of a pig in the market than the
same pigs I'm expectin' thirty shillin's apiece for
them."

" 'Faith, you *11 get more than thirty shillings," cried
Tom, " in less than thirty seconds, if you don't take
your dirty cabbage and blackguard pigs out o' that ! "

" Dirty cabbages ! " cried the fellow, in a tone of
surprise.

The order to depart was renewed.

" Blackguard pigs ! " cried Paddy, in aflected wonder.
" Ah, Masther Tom, one would think it was afther
dinner you wor."

1 A saying among the Irish peasantry meaning there is dangei
in delay.



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270 Handy Andy

** What do you mean, you rap ? do you intend to
say I 'm drunk ? "

" Oh no, sir ! But if it 's not afther dinner wid you,
I think you would n't turn up your nose at bacon and
greens."

" Oh, with all your joking," said Tom, laughing,
" you won't find me a chicken to pluck for your bacon
and greens, my boy ; so, start ! vanish ! disperse!
my bacon-merchant."

While this dialogue was going forward, several cars
were gathered round the place, with a seeming view to
hem in Egan's voters, and interrupt their progress to the
poll \ but the gate of the yard suddenly opened, and the
fellows within soon upset the car which impeded their
egress, gave freedom to the pigs, who used their liberty
in eating the cabbages, while their owner was making
cause with his party of O'Gradyites against the out-
break of Egan's men. The affair was not one of
importance ; the numbers were not sufficient to consti-
tute a good row it was but a hustling affair, after all,
and a slight scrimmage enabled Tom Durfy to head his
men in a rush to the poll.

The polling was now prosecuted vigorously on both
sides, each party anxious to establish a majority on the
first day ; and of course the usual practices for facilitating
their own, and retarding their opponents' progress were
resorted to.

Scatterbrain's party, to counteract the energetic move-
ment of the enemy's voters and Murphy's activity, got
up a mode of interruption seldom made use of, but of
which they availed themselves on the present occasion.
It was determined to put the oath of allegiance to all the
Roman Catholics, by which some loss of time to the
Eganite party was effected.

This gave rise to odd scenes and answers, occasion-
ally : some of the fellows did not know what the oath
of allegiance meant ; some did not know whether there



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Handy Andy 271

might not be a scruple of conscience against making it ;
others, indignant at what they felt to be an insulting
mode of address, on the part of the person who said to
them, in a tone savouring of supremacy ^^ You We a
Roman Catholic ? " would not answer immediately,
and gave dogged looks and sometimes dogged answers;
and it required address on the part of Egan's agents to
make them overcome such feelings, and expedite the
work of voting. At last the same herculean fellow who
gave O'Grady the fierce answer about the blunderbuss
tenure he enjoyed, came up to vote, and h\x\y bothered
. the querist with his ready replies, which, purposely,
were never to the purpose. The examination ran
nearly thus :

** You're a Roman Catholic ? "

"Am I?" said the fellow.

" Are you not ? " demanded the agent.

" You say I am," was the answer.

" Come, sir, answer What 's your religion ? "

" The thrue religion."

" What religion is that ? "

" My religion."

'^ And what *s your religion ? "

"My mother's religion."

"And what was your mother's religion ? "

" She tuk whisky in her tay**

" Come, now, I '11 find you out, as cunning as you
are," said the agent, piqued into an encounter of wits
with this fellow, whose bafBing of every question pleased
the crowd.

"You bless yourself, don't you?"

" When I 'm done with, I think I ought."

" What place of worship do you go to ? "

"The most convaynient."

" But of what persuasion are you ? "

" My persuasion is that you won't find it out."

"What is your belief?"



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272 Handy Andy



" My belief is that you We puzzled."

" Do you confess ? "

" Not to you."

'^ Come ! now I have you. Who would you send for
if you were likely to die ? "

" Doctor Growlin'."

" Not for the priest ? "

" I must first get a messenger."

"Confound your quibbling! tell me, then, what
your opinions are your conscientious opinions I mean."

" They are the same as my landlord's."

" And what are your landlord's opinions ? "

" Faix, his opinion is, that I won't pay him the last
half-year's rint ; and I 'm of the same opinion myself."

A roar of laughter followed this answer, and dumb-
foundered the agent for a time; but, angered at the
successful quibbling of the sturdy and wily fellow before
him, he at last declared, with much severity of manner,
that he must have a direct reply. " I insist, sir, on your
answering, at once, are you a Roman Catholic ? "

" I am," said the fellow.

" And could not you say so at once ? " repeated the
officer.

" You never axed me," returned the other.

" I did," said the officer.

" Indeed, you did n't. You said I was a great many
things, but you never axed me you wor dhrivin'
crass words and cruked questions at me, and I gev you
answers to match them, for sure I thought it was
manners to cut out my behavor on your patthern."

" Take the oath, sir."

" Where am I to take it to, sir ? " inquired the pro-
voking blackguard.

The clerk was desired to " swear him," without
further notice being taken of his impertinent answer.

" I hope the oath is not woighty^ sir, for my conscience
is tindher since the last alibi I swore."



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Handy Andy 273

The business of the interior was now suspended for
a time by the sounds of fierce tumult which arose from
without. Some rushed from the court-house to the
platform outside, and beheld the crowd in a state of
great excitement, beating back the police, who had been
engaged in endeavouring to seize the persons and
things which had offended O'Grady; and the police
falling back for support on a party of military which
O'Grady had prevailed on the sheriff to call out. The
sheriff was a weak, irresolute man, and was over-per-
suaded by such words as " mob " and ** riot," and
breaches of the peace being about to he committed, if the
ruffians were not checked beforehand. The wisdom of
preventive measures was preached, and the rest of the
hackneyed phrases were paraded, which brazen-feced
and iron-handed oppressors are only too familiar with.

The people were now roused, and thoroughly defeated
the police, who were forced to fly to the lines of the
military party for protection ; having effected this object,
the crowd retained their position, and did not attempt to
assault the soldiers, though a very firm and louring front
was presented to them, and shouts of defiance against
the " Peelers " ^ rose loud and long.

" A round of ball cartridge would cool their courage,"
said O'Grady.

The English officer in command of the party, looking
with wonder and reproach upon him, asked if he had the
command of the party.

" No, sir ; the sheriff, of course ; but if I were
in his place, I 'd soon disperse the rascals."

" Did you ever witness the effect of a fusilade, sir ? "
inquired the officer.

" No, sir," said O'Grady, gruffly ; " but I suppose I
know pretty well what /t is."

* The name given to the police by the people the force being
first established by Sir Robert Feel, then Mr. Peel, Secretary for
Ireland.

VOL. I. 18



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274 Handy Andy

^^ For the sake of humanity, sir, I hope you do not, or
I am willing to believe you would not talk so lightly of
it ; but it is singular how much fonder civilians are of
urging measures that end in blood, than those whose
profession is arms, and who know how disastrous is
their use."

The police were ordered to advance again and seize
the " ringleaders : " they obeyed unwillingly ; but being
saluted with some stones, their individual wrath was ex-
cited, and they advanced to chastise the mob, who again
drove them back ; and a nearer approach to the soldiers
was made by the crowd in the scuffle which ensued.

" Now, will you fire ? " said O'Grady to the sheriff.

The sheriff, who was a miserable coward, was filled
with dread at the threatening aspect of the mob, and
wished to have his precious person under shelter before
hostilities commenced; so, with pallid lips, and his
teeth chattering with fear, he exclaimed :

'* No ! no ! no ! don't fire don't fire don't be
precipitate : besides, I have n't read the Riot Act."

'* There 's no necessity for firing, I should say," said
the captain.

" I thought not, captain I hope not, captain," said
the sheriff, who now assumed a humane tone. ^^ Think
of the effusion of blood, my dear sir," said he to
O'Grady, who was grinning like a fiend all the time
"the sacrifice of human life I could n't, sir I can't,
sir besides, the Riot Act have n't it about me
must be read, you know. Mister O'Grady."

" Not always," said O'Grady, fiercely.

" But the inquiry is always very strict after, if it is
not, sir I should not like the effusion of human blood,
sir, unless the Riot Act was read, and the thing done
regularly, don't think I care for the d d rascals a
button, sir, only the regularity, you know ; and the
effusion of human blood is serious, and the inquiry, too,
without the Riot Act. Captain, would you oblige me



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Handy Andy 275

to fall back a little closer round the court-house, and
maintain the freedom of election? Besides, the Riot
Act is up-stairs in my desk. The court-house must be
protected, you know, and I just want to run up-stairs
for the Riot Act ; I '11 be down again in a moment.
Captain, do oblige me draw your men a leetle closer
round the court-house."

^ I 'm in a better position here, sir," said the captain.

^^ I thought you were under ray command, sir," said
the sheriff.

^^ Under your command to fire, sir, but the choice of
position rests with me \ and we are stronger where we
are; the court-house is completely covered, and while
my men are under arms here, you may rely on it the
crowd is completely in check without firing a shot."

Off ran the sheriff to the court-house.

" You *re saving of your gunpowder, I see, sir," said
O'Grady to the captain, with a sardonic grin.

^^ You seem to be equally sparing of your humanity,
sir," returned the captain.

^^ God forbid I should be afraid of a pack of ruffians,"
said O'Grady.

'* Or I of a single one," returned the captain, with
a look of stern contempt.

There is no knowing what this bitter bandying of
hard words might have led to, had it not been inter-
rupted by the appearance of the sheriff at one of the
windows of the court-house ; there, with the Riot Act
in his hand, he called out :

" Now I Ve read it fire away, boys fire away ! "
and all his compunction about the effusion of blood
vanished the moment his own miserable carcass was
safe from harm. Again he waved the Riot Act from
the window, and vociferated, " Fire away, boys ! " as
loud as his frog-like voice permitted.

" Now, sir, you *re ordered to fire," said O'Grady to
the captain.



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276 Handy Andy

" I '11 not obey that order, sir," said the captain ;
^^ the man is out of his senses with fear, and I '11 not
obey such a serious command from a madman."

** Do you dare disobey the orders of the sheriff, sir ? "
thundered O'Grady.

" I am responsible for my act, sir," said the captain
" seriously responsible ; but I will not slaughter unarmed
people until I see further and fitter cause."

The sheriff had vanished he was nowhere to be
seen and O'Grady as a magistrate had now the com-
mand. Seeing the cool and courageous man he had
to deal with in the military chief, he determined to
push matters to such an extremity that he should be
forced, in self-defence, to fire. With this object in view
he ordered a fresh advance of the police upon the peo-
ple, and in this third affair matters assumed a more
serious aspect ; sticks and stones were used with more
effect, and the two parties being nearer to each other,
the missiles meant only for the police overshot their
mark and struck the soldiers, who bore their painful
situation with admirable patience.

" Now will you fire, sir ? " said O'Grady to the
officer.

^^ If I fire now, sir, I am as likely to kill the police
as the people 5 withdraw your police first, sir, and then
I will fire."

This was but reasonable so reasonable, that even
O'Grady, enraged almost to madness as he was, could
not gainsay it ; and he went forward himself to with-
draw the police force. O'Grad/s presence increased
the rage of the mob, whose blood was now thoroughly
up, and as the police fell back they were pressed by the
infuriated people, who now began almost to disregard
the presence of the military, and poured down in a
resistless stream upon them.

O'Grady repeated his command to the captain, who,
finding matters thus driven to extremity, saw no longer



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Handy Andy 277

the possibility of avoiding bloodshed; and the first
preparatory word of the &tal order was given, the
second on his lips, and the long file of bright muskets
flashed in the sun ere they should quench his light for
ever to some, and carry darkness to many a heart and
hearth, when a young and handsome man, mounted
on a noble horse, came plunging and ploughing his way
through the crowd, and, rushing between the half-
levelled muskets and those who in another instant
would have fallen their victims, he shouted in a voice
whose noble tone carried to its hearers involuntary
obedience, '' Stop ! for God's sake, stop ! " Then
wheeling his horse suddenly round, he charged along
the advancing front of the people, plunging his horse
fiercely upon them, and waving them back with his
hand, enforcing his commands with words as well as
actions. The crowd fell back as he pressed upon them
with fiery horsemanship unsurpassable by an Arab \ and
as his dark clustering hair streamed about his noble face,
pale from excitement, and with flashing eyes, he was
a model worthy of the best days of Grecian art ay,
and he had a soul worthy of the most glorious times
of Grecian liberty !

It was Edward O'Connor.

'* Fire ! " cried O'Grady again.

The gallant soldier, touched by the heroism of
O'Connor, and roused by the brutality of O'Grady
beyond his patience, in the excitement of the moment,
was urged beyond the habitual parlance of a gentleman,
and swore vehemently, " I '11 be damned if I do ! I
would n't run the risk of shooting that noble fellow for
all the magistrates in your county."

O'Connor had again turned round, and rode up to
the military party, having heard the word " fire ! "
repeated.

'' For mercy's sake, sir, don't fire, and I pledge you
my soul the crowd shall disperse."



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278 Handy Andy

*' Ay ! " cried O'Grady, *' they won't obey the laws
nor the magistrates , but they'll listen fast enough to
a d d rebel like you."

** Liar and ruffian ! " exclaimed Edward. " I 'm a
better and more loyal subject than you, who provoke
resistance to the laws you should make honoured."

At the word "liar," O'Grady, now quite frenzied,
attempted to seize a musket from a soldier beside him \
and had he succeeded in obtaining possession of it,
Edward O'Connor's days had been numbered ; but the
soldier would not give up his firelock, and O'Grady,
intent on immediate vengeance, then rushed upon
Edward, and seizing him by the leg, attempted to
unhorse him; but Edward was too firm in his seat
for this, and -a struggle ensued.

The crowd, fearing Edward was about to fall a
victim, raised a fierce shout, and were about to advance,
when the captain, with admirable presence of mind,
seized O'Grady, dragged him away from his hold, and
gave freedom to Edward, who instantly used it again
to charge the advancing line of the mob, and drive
them back.

'* Back, boys, back ! " he cried, " don't give your
enemies a triumph by being disorderly. Disperse
retire into houses, let nothing tempt you to riot col-
lect round your tally-rooms, and come up quietly to the
polling and you will yet have a peaceful triumph."

The crowd, obeying, gave three cheers for " Ned-
o'-the-Hill," and the dense mass, which could not be
awed, and dreaded not the engines of war, melted away
before the breath of peace.

As they retired on one side, the soldiers were ordered
to their quarters on the other, while their captain and
Edward O'Connor stood in the midst; but ere they
separated, these two, with charity in their souls, waved
their hands towards each other in token of amity, and
parted, verily, in friendship.



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CHAPTER XX

AFTER the incidents just recorded, of course great
confusion and excitement existed, during which
O'Grady was forced back into the court-house in a state
bordering on insanity. Inflamed as his furious passions
had been to the top of their bent, and his thirst of
revenge still remaining unslaked, foiled in all his move-
ments, and flung back as it were into the seething caul-
dron of his own hellish temper, he was a pitiable sight,
foaming at the mouth like a wild animal, and uttering
the most horrid imprecations. On Edward O'Connor
principally his curses fell, with denunciations of imme-
diate vengeance, and the punishment of dismissal from
the service was prophesied on oath for the English
captain. The terrors of a court-martial gleamed fit-
fully through the frenzied mind of the raving Squire
for the soldier ; and for O'Connor, instant death at his
own hands was his momentary cry.

" Find the rascal for me," he exclaimed, " that I may

call him out and shoot him like a dog yes, by ,

a dog a dog ; I 'm disgraced while he lives I wish
the villain had three lives that I might take them all at
once all all ! " and he stretched out his hands as
he spoke, and grasped at the air as if in imagination
he clutched the visionary lives his bloodthirsty wishes
conjured up.

Edward, as soon as he saw the crowd dispersed, re-
turned to the hustings and sought Dick Dawson, that
he might be in readiness to undertake, on his part, the
arrangement of the hostile meeting, to which he knew



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28o Handy Andy

he should be immediately called. *' Let it be over, my
dear Dick, as soon as possible," said Edward ; *' it 's
not a case in which delay can be of any service \ the
insult was mortal between us, and the sooner expiated
by a meeting the better.*'

" Don't be so agitated, Ned," said Dick ; '* fair and
easy, man fair and easy keep yourself cool."

" Dear Dick I '11 be cool on the ground, but not
till then I want the meeting over before my father
hears of the quarrel \ I 'm his only child, Dick, and you
know how he loves me ! "

He wrung Dick's hand as he spoke, and his eye
glistened with tenderness ; but with the lightning quick-
ness of thought all gentle feeling vanished as he saw
Scatterbrain struggling his way towards him, and read
in his eye the purport of his approach. He communi-
cated to Edward his object in seeking him, and was
at once referred to Dawson, who instantly retired with
him and arranged an immediate meeting. This was
easily done, as they had their pistols with them since
the duel in the morning; and if there be those who
think it a little too much of a good thing to have two
duels in one day, pray let them remember it was elec-
tion time, and even in sober England that period often
gives rise to personalities which call for the intervention
of the code of honour. Only in Ireland the thing is
sooner over. We seldom have three columns of a
newspaper filled with notes on the subject, numbered
from I to 25.^ Gentleman don't consider whether it
is too soon or too late to fight, or whether a gentle-
man is perfectly entitled to call him out or not. The
title in Ireland is generally considered sufficient in the
will to do it, and few there would wait for the poising
of a very delicately balanced scale of etiquette before
going to the ground ; they would be more likely to fight

^ Just such a lengthy correspondence had appeared in the Lon*
don journals when the first edition of this book was published.



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Handy Andy 281

first, and leave the world to argue about the niceties
after.

In the present instance a duel was unavoidable, and
it was to be feared a mortal one, for deadly insult had
been given on both sides*

The rumour of the hostile meeting flew like wildfire
through the town, and when the parties met in a field
about a quarter of a mile beyond the bridge, an anxious
.crowd was present. The police were obliged to be in
strong force on the ground to keep back the people,
who were not now, as an hour before, in the town, in
uproarious noise and action, but still as death ; not a
murmur was amongst them ; the excitement of love
for the noble young champion, whose life was in danger
for his care of them^ held them spell-bound in a tran-
quillity almost fearful.

The aspect of the two principals was in singular con-
trast. On the one side a man burning for revenge,
who, to use a common but terrible parlance, desired to
** wash out the dishonour put upon him in blood." The
other was there, regretting that cause existed for the
awful arbitrament, and only anxious to defend his own,
not take another's life. To sensitive minds the reaction
is always painful of having insulted another, when the
excitement is over which prompted it. When the hot
blood which inflamed the brain runs in cooler currents,
the man of feeling always regrets, if he does not re-
proach himself with, having urged his fellow-man to
break the commandments of the Most High, and deface,
perhaps annihilate, the form that was moulded in His
image. The words ^^ liar and ruffian " haunted Ed-
ward's mind reproachfully \ but then the provocation
** rebel ! " no gentleman could brook it. Because
his commiseration for a people had endeared him to
them, was he to be called ^nheV^? Because, at the
risk of his own life, he had preserved perhaps scores,
and prevented an infraction of the law, was he to be



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282 Handy Andy

called ** rebel " ? He stood acquitted before his own
conscience: after all, the most terrible bar before
which he can be called in this world.

The men were placed upon their ground, and the
word to fire given. O'Grady, in his desire for ven-
geance, deliberately raised his pistol with deadly aim,
and Edward was thus enabled to fire first, yet with such
cool precision, that his shot took effect as he intended;
O'Grady's arm was ripped up from the wrist to the
elbow \ but so determined was his will, and so firm his
aim, that the wound, severe as it was, produced but a
slight twitch in his hand, which threw it up slightly, and
saved Edward's life, for the ball passed through his hat
just above his head.

O'Grady's arm instantly after dropped to his side, the
pistol fell from his hand, and he staggered, for the pain
of the wound was extreme. His second ran to his
assistance.

"It is only in the arm," said O'Grady, firmly,
though his voice was changed by the agony he suffered \
** give me another pistol."

Dick at the same moment was beside Edward.

" You 're not touched," he said.

Edward coolly pointed to his hat.

" Too much powder," said Dick ; '' I thought so
when his pistols were loaded."

" No," said Edward, '* it was my shot j I saw his
hand twitch."

Scatterbrain demanded of Dick another shot on the
part of O'Grady.

" By all means," was the answer, and he handed a
fresh pistol to Edward. " To give the devil his due,"
said Dick, " he has great pluck, for you hit him hard
see how pale he looks I don't think he can hurt you
much this time but watch him well, my dear Ned."

The seconds withdrew \ but with all O 'Grady's des-
perate courage, he could not lift the pistol with his right



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Handy Andy 283

arm, which, though hastily bound in a handkerchief, was
bleeding profusely, and racked with torture. On find-
ing his right hand powerless, such was his unflinching
courage, that he took the pistol in his left; this of
course impaired his power of aim, and his nerve was so
shattered by his bodily suffering, that his pistol was dis-
charged before coming to the level, and Edward saw the
sod torn up close beside his foot. He then, of course,
fired in the air. O'Grady would have fallen but for the
immediate assistance of his friends \ he was led from
the ground and placed in a carriage, and it was not until
Edward O'Connor mounted his horse to ride away, that
the crowd manifested their feelings. Then three tre-
mendous cheers arose \ and the shouts of their joy and
triumph reached the wounded man as he was driven
slowly from the ground.



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CHAPTER XXI

THE Widow Flanagan had long ago determined that,
whenever the election should take place, she
would take advantage of the great influx of visitors that
event would produce, and give a grand party. Her
preparations were all made to secure a good muster of
her country friends, when once the day of nomination
was fixed j and after the election began, she threw out
all her hooks and lines in every direction, to catch every
straggler worth having, whom the election brought into
the town. It required some days to do this ; and it
was not until the eve of the fifth, that her house was
turned upside down and inside out for the reception of
the numerous guests whose company she expected.

The toil of the day's election was over j the gentle-
men had dined and refreshed themselves with creature
comforts; the vicissitudes^ and tricks, and chances of
the last twelve hours were canvassed when the strik-
ing of many a clock, or the consultation of the pocket-
dial, warned those who were invited to Mrs. O'Flana-
gan's party, that it was time to wash off the dust of the
battle-field from their faces, and mount fresh linen and
cambric. Those who were pleased to call themselves
" good fellows " declared for " another bottle j " the
faint-hearted swore that an autograph invitation from
Venus herself to the heathen Olympus, with nectar and
ambrosia for tea and bread-and-butter, could not tempt
them from the Christian enjoyment of a feather-bed after
the fag of such a day; but the preux chevaliers those
who did deserve to win a &ir lady shook off sloth



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Handy Andy 285

and their morning trousers, and taking to tights and
activity, hurried to the party of the buxom widow.

The widow was in her glory \ hospitable, she enjoyed
receiving her friends, mirthful, she looked forward to
a long night of downright sport, coquettish, she would
have good opportunity of letting Tom Durfy see how
attractive she was to the men, while from the women
her love of gossip and scandal (was there ever a lady in
her position without it ?) would have ample gratification
in the accumulated news of the county of twenty miles
round. She had but one large room at her command,
and that was given up to the dancing \ and being cleared
of tables, chairs, and carpet, could not be considered by
Mrs. Flanagan as a proper reception-room for her guests,
who were, therefore, received in a smaller apartment,
where tea and coiFee, toast and muffins, ladies and gen-
tlemen, were all smoking-hot together, and the candles
on the mantel-piece trickling down rivulets of fat in the
most sympathetic manner, under the influence of the
gentle sighing of a broken pane of glass, which the head
of an inquiring youth in the street had stove in, while
flattening his nose against it in the hope of getting a
glimpse of the company through the opening in the
window-curtain.

At last, when the room could hold no more, the com-
pany were drafted oflF to the dancing-room, which had
only long deal forms placed against the wall to rest the
weary after the exertions of the jig. The aforesaid
forms, by-the-bye, were borrowed from the chapel ; the
old wigsby who had the care of them for some time
doubted the propriety of the sacred property being put
to such a profane use, until the widow's arguments con-
vinced him it was quite right, after she had given him a
ten penny-piece. As the dancing-room could not boast
of a lustre, the deficiency was supplied by tin sconces
hung against the wall ; for ormulu branches are not ex-
pected to be plenty in the provinces. But let the widow



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286 Handy Andy

be heard for herself, as she bustled through her guests
and caught a critical glance at her arrangements:
*' What 's that you *re Suiting now ? is it my deal
seats without cushions ? Ah ! you 're a la%y Larry^ Bob
Larkin. Cock you up with a cushion indeed ! if you
sit the less, you '11 dance the more. Ah, Matty, I see
you're eyeing my tin sconces there j well, sure they
have them at the county ball, when candlesticks are
scarce, and what would you expect grander from a poor
lone woman ? besides, we must have plenty of lights, or
how could the beaux see the girls ? though I see,
Harry Cassidy, by your sly look, that you think they look
as well in the dark ah ! you divil ! " and she slapped
his shoulder as she ran past. ^^ Ah ! Mister Murphy,
I 'm delighted to see you j what kept you so late ? the
election to be sure. Well, we 're beating them, ain't
we ? Ah ! the old country for ever. I hope Eldward
O'Connor will be here. Come, begin the dance ; there 's
the piper and the fiddler in the corner as idle as a mile-
stone without a number. Tom Durfy, don't ask me to
dance, for I 'm engaged for the next four sets."

" Oh ! but the first to me," said Tom.

" Ah ! yis, Tom, I was ; but then, you know, I
could n't refuse the stranger from Dublin, and the Eng-
lish captain that will be there by-and-by ; he 's a nice
man, too, and long life to him, would n't fire on the
people the other day ; I vow to the Virgin, all the
women in the room ought to kiss him when he comes
in. Ah, doctor ! there you are ; there 's Mrs. Gubbins
in the corner dying to have a chat with you ; go over to
her. Who 's that taazing the piano there ? Ah ! James
Reddy, it 's you^ I see. I hope it 's in tune ; 't is only
four months since the tuner was here. I hope you 've a
new song for us, James. The tuner is so scarce, Mrs.
Riley, in the country not like Dublin ; but we poor
country people, you know, must put up with what we
can get ; not like you citizens, who has lashings of lux-



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Handy Andy 287

uries as easy as peas." Then, in a confidential whisper,
she said, ^^ I hope your daughter has practised the new
piece well to-day, for I could n't be looking after her,
you know, to-day, being in such a bustle with my party \
I was just like a dog in a fair, in and out everywhere \
but I hope she 's perfect in the piece j " then, still more
confidentially, she added, " for he 'j here ah ! / wish
it was^ Mrs. Riley ; " then, with a nod and a wink, off
she rattled through the room with a word for everybody.

The Mrs. Riley, to whom she was so confidential,
was a friend from Dublin, an atrociously vulgar woman,
with a more vulgar daughter, who were on a visit with
Mrs. Flanagan. The widow and the mother thought
Murtough Murphy would be a good speculation for the
daughter to **cock her cap at " (to use their own phrase),
and with this view the visit to the country was projected.
But matters did not prosper \ Murphy was not much of
a marrying man ; and if ever he might be caught in the
toils of Hymen, some frank, joyous, unaffected, dashing
girl would have been the only one likely to serve a writ
on the jovial attorney's heart. Now, Miss Riley was, to
use Murtough Murphy's own phrase, ^^ a batch of brass
and a stack of affectation," and the airs she attempted to
play off on the country folk (Murphy in particular) only
made her an object for his mischievous merriment ; as
an example, we may as well touch on one little incident
en passant.

The widow had planned one day a walking party to a
picturesque ruin, not far from the town, and determined
that Murphy should give his arm to Miss Riley ; for the
party was arranged in couples, with a most deadly design
on the liberty of the attorney. At the appointed hour
all had arrived but Murphy; the widow thought it a
happy chance, so she hurried off the party, leaving Miss
Riley to wait and follow under his escort. In about a
quarter of an hour he came, having met the widow in
the street, who sent him back for Miss Riley. Now



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288 Handy Andy

Murtough saw the trap which was intended for him,
and thought it fair to make what fun he could of the
affair, and being already sickened by various disgusting
exhibitions of the damsel's affectation, he had the less
scruple of " taking her down a peg," as he said himself.

When Murtough reached the house and asked for
Miss Riley, he was ushered into the little drawing-room \
and there was that very full-blown young lady, on a chair
before the fire, her left foot resting on the fender, her
right crossed over it, and her body thrown back in a
reclining attitude, with a sentimental droop of the head
over a greasy novel : her figure was rather developed by
her posture, indeed more so than Miss Riley quite in-
tended, for her ankles were not unexceptionable, and the
position of her feet revealed rather more. A bonnet and
green veil lay on the hearth-rug, and her shawl hung
over the handle of the fire-shovel. When Murphy en-
tered, he was received with a faint " How d' do ? "

" Pretty well, I thank you how are you ? " said
Murphy, in his rollicking tone.

" Oh ! Miste' Murphy, you are so odd,"

" Odd, am I how am I odd ? "

"Oh! j(?odd."

" Well, you 'd better put on your bonnet and come
walk, and we can talk of my oddity after."

'^ Oh, indeed, I caw rCt walk."

" Can't walk ! " exclaimed Murphy. " Why can't
you walk? I was sent for you."

'* 'Deed I caw n't."

" Ah, now ! " said Murphy, giving her a little tender
poke of his forefinger on the shoulder.

" Don't, Mister Murphy, pray don't."

" But why won't you walk ? "

" I 'm too delicate."

Murphy uttered a very long " Oh !!!!!"

" 'Deed I am, Mistc' Murphy, though you may dis-
believe it."



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Handy Andy 289

*' Well a nice walk is the best thing in the world
for the health. Come along ! "

^^ Caw n't indeed \ a gentle walk on a terrace, or a
shadowy avenue, is all very well the Rotunda Gar-
dens, for instance."

*' Not forgetting the military bands that play there,"
said Murphy, "together with the officers of all the
barracks in Dublin, clinking their sabres at their heels
along the gravel walks, all for the small charge of a
fi'penny bit."

Miss Riley gave a reproachful look and shrug at the
vulgar mention of a *' fi'penny bit," which Murphy pur-
posely said to shock her ** Brummagem gentility."

"How can you be so odd, Miste' Murphy?" she
said. " I don't joke, indeed ; a gentle walk I repeat
it is all very well; but these horrid rough country
walks these masculine walks, I may say are not
consistent with a delicate frame like mine."

" A delicate frame ! " said Munough. " 'Faith, I '11
tell you what it is. Miss Riley," said he, standing bolt
upright before her, plunging his hands into his pockets,
and fixing his eyes on her feet, which still maintained
their original position on the fender "I '11 tell you
what it is. Miss Riley ; by the vartue of my oath, if
your other leg is a match for the one I see, the div'tl a
harm a trot from this to Dublin would do you ! "

Miss Riley gave a faint scream, and popped her legs
under her chair, while Murphy ran off in a shout of
laughter, and joined the party, to whom he made no
secret of his joke.

But all this did not damp Miss Riley's hopes of win-
ning him. She changed her plan ; and seeing he did
not bow to what she considered the supremacy of her
very elegant manners, she set about feigning at once
admiration and dread of him. She would sometimes
lift her eyes to Murtough with a languishing expression,
and declare she never knew any one she was so afraid

VOL. I. lo



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290 Handy Andy

of; but even this double attack on his vanity could not
turn Murphy's flank, and so a very laughable flirtation
went on between them, he letting her employ all the
enginery of her sex against him, with a mischievous
enjoyment in her blindness at not seeing she was throw-
ing away her powder and shot.

But to return to the party ; a rattling country dance
called out at once the energies of the piper, the fiddler,
and the ladies and gentlemen, and left those who had
more activity in their heads than their heels to sit on the
forms in the background and exercise their tongues in
open scandal of their mutual friends and acquaintances
under cover of the music, which prevented the most
vigorous talker from being heard further than his or her
next-door neighbour. Dr. Growling had gone over to
Mrs. Gubbins', as desired, and was buried deep in
gossip.

^^What an extraordinary afl^ir that was about Miss
O'Grady, doctor."

" Very, ma*am."

" In the man's bed she was, I hear."

" So the story goes, ma'am."

" And they tell me, doctor, that when her father, that
immaculate madman God keep us from harm ! saia
to poor Mrs. O'Grady, in a great rage, * Where have
you brought up your daughters to go to, ma'am ? ' said
he ; and she, poor woman, said, ^ To church, my dear,'
thinking it was the diflFerent religion the Saracen was
after ; so, says he, * Churchy indeed ! there 's the church
she 's gone to, ma'am,' says he, turning down a quilted
counterpane."

" Are you sure it was not Marseilles, ma'am ? " said
the doctor.

" Well, whatever it was, * There *s the church she is
in,' says he, pulling her out of the bed."

" Out of the bed ? " repeated the doctor.

" Out of the bed, sir ! "



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Handy Andy 291

" Then her church was in the diocese of Down^' said
the doctor.

" That 's good, docthor indeed, that 's good. *She
was caught in bed,' says I ; and ^ It 's the diocese of
Down^ says you : 'faith, that's good. I wish the diocese
was your own; for you're funny enough to be a bishop,
docthor, you lay howld of everything."

^^ That's a great qualification for a mitre, ma'am,"
said the doctor.

^^ And the poor young man that has got her is not
worth a farthing, I hear, docthor."

" Then he must be the curate, ma'am ; though I
don't think it 's a chapel of ease he has got into."

'' Oh ! what a tongue you have, docthor," said she,
laughing; "'faith you'll kill me."

"That's my profession, ma'am. I am -a licentiate
of the Royal College; but, unfortunately for me, my
humanity is an overmatch for my science. Phrenologi-
cally speaking, my benevolence is large, and my
destructiveness and acquisitiveness small."

" Ah, there you go off on another tack ; and what a
funny new thing that is you talk of! that free knowl-
edge or crow-knowledge, or whatever sort of knowledge
you call it. And there 's one thing I want to ask you
about : there 's a bump the ladies have, the gentlemen
always laugh at, I remark."

** That 's very rude of them, ma'am," said the doctor
drily. " Is it in the anterior region, or the "

" Docthor, don't talk queer."

" I 'm only speaking scienrifically, ma'am."

"Well, I think your scientific discourse is only an
excuse for saying impudent things; I mean the back
of their heads."

" I thought so, ma'am."

" They call it dear me, I forget something
motive motive it's Latin but I am no scholard^
docthor."



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292 Handy Andy

" That 's manifest, ma'am."

" But a lady is not bound to know Latin, docthor."

*' Certainly not, ma'am nor any other language
except that of the yes."

Now, this was a wicked hit of the doctor's, for Mrs.
Gubbins squinted frightfully \ but Mrs. Gubbins did not
know that, so she went on.

" The bump I mean, docthor, is motive something
motive motive I have it ! motive-r."

"Now, I know what you mean," said the doctor;
"amativeness."

*' That 's it," said Mrs. Gubbins ; ** they call it num-
ber one, sometimes \ I suppose amativeness is Latin for
number one. Now, what does that bump mean ? "

" Ah, madam," said the doctor, puzzled for a moment
to give ai explanation; but in a few seconds he
answered, " That 's a beautiful provision of nature.
That, nu'am, is the organ which makes your sex take
compassion on ours." ^

" Wonderful ! " said Mrs. Gubbins ; " but how good
nature is in giving us provision ! and I don't think there
is a finer provision county in Ireland than this."

" Certainly not, ma'am," said the doctor ; but the mo-
ment Mrs. Gubbins began to speak of provisions, he was
sure she would get into a very solid discourse about her
own farms ; so he left his seat beside her and went over to
Mrs. Riley, to see what fun could be had in that quarter.

Her daughter was cutting all sorts of barefaced capers
about the room, " astonishing the natives," as she was
pleased to say ; and Growling was looking on in amused
wonder at this specimen of vulgar effrontery, whom he
had christened " The Brazen Baggage " the first time
he saw her.

" You are looking at my daughter, sir," said the
delighted mother.

^ This very ingenious answer was really given by an Irish pro-
fessor to an over-inquisitive lady.



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Handy Andy 293

" Yes, ma'am," said the doctor, profoundly.

" She 's very young, sir."

^^ She '11 mend of that, ma'am. We were young once
ourselves."

This was not very agreeable to the mother, who
dressed rather in a juvenile style.

^^ I mean, sir, that you must excuse any little awk-
wardness about her that all arises out of timidity
she was lost with bashfulness till I roused her out of it
but now I think she is beginning to have a little self-
possession."

The doctor was amused, and took a large pinch of
snuffy he enjoyed the phase ^^ beginning to have a little
self-possession " being applied to the most brazen bag-
gage he ever saw.

" She 's very accomplished, sir," continued the mother.
" Mister Jew-val (Duval) taitches her dancin', and
Musha Dunny-ai (Mons. Du Noyer) ^ French. Misther
Low-jeer (Logier) has n't the like of her in his academy
on the pianya; and as for the harp, you'd think she
would n't lave a sthring in it."

^^ She must be a treasure to her teachers, ma'am," said
the doctor.

^^ 'Faith, you may well say threasurey it costs handfuls
o' money; but sure, while there's room for improve-
ment, every apartment must be attended to, and the
vocal apartment is filled by Sir John fifteen shillin's a
lesson, no less."

" What silvery tones she ought to bring, out, ma'am,
at that rate ! "

" 'Faith, you may say that, sir. It 's coining, so it is,
with them tip-top men, and ruins one a'most to have a
daughter ; every shake I get out of her is to the tune of
a ten-poun' note, at least. You shall hear her by-and-
by y the minit the dancin' is over, she shall sing you the

1 My own worthy and excellent master, to whom I gladly pay
thb tribute of kindly remembrance.



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294 Handy Andy

* Bewildhered Maid.' Do you know the * Bcwildhered
Maid/ sir?"

^^ I have n't the honour of her acquaintance, ma'am,"
said the doctor.

The dancing was soon over, and the mother's threat
put into execution. Miss Riley was led over to the
piano by the widow, with the usual protestations that
she was hoarse. It took some time to get the piano
ready, for an extensive clearance was to be made from
it of cups and saucers, and half-empty glasses of negus,
before it could be opened \ then, after various thrum-
mings and hummings and hawings, the ^^ Bewildhered
Maid" made her appearance in the wildest possible
manner, and the final shriek was quite worthy of a
maniac. Loud applause followed, and the wriggling
Miss Riley was led from the piano by James Reddy, who
had stood at the back of her chair, swaying backward
and forward to the music, with a maudlin expression of
sentiment on his face, and a suppressed exclamation of
u B-u-tiful ! " after every extra shout from the young
lady.

Growling listened with an expression of as much
dissatisfaction as if he had been drinking weak
punch.

^^ I see you don't like that," said the widow to him,
under her breath ; " ah, you 're too hard, doctor con-
sider she sung out of good-nature."

^^ I don't know if it was out of good-nature," said he \
*' but I am sure it was out of tune. "

James Reddy led back Miss Riley to her mamma, who
was much delighted with the open manifestations of
" the poet's " admiration.

" She ought to be proud, sir, of your conjunction^ I 'm
sure. A poet like you, sir! what beautiful rhymes
them wor you did on the 'lection."

^^ A trifle, ma'am a mere trifle a little occasional
thing."



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! ' :



I '. :.ui , *'\. ' * . .



i .( '.'..! .1 ;.'-vC fit, ' -.:i.. M^ \\ . \ ;( *.

ij.' ' / I ' . 't'l , ** .ih. vM 'it :.M *' .i i, I. ; ' ' . .
\ 'M -A :r ii w .1^ w ii v . ^- H -n n.iiv', s .';! i

* 'ih tht ('{U M Sli-'^i't- t .Im '\

ti ; I ... I 1 i\ n "



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Handy Andy 295

^ Oh ! but them two beautiful lines

We tread the land that bore us
Our green flag glitters o*er us I **

** They are only a quotation, ma'am," said Reddy.

*' Oh, like every man of true genius, sir, you try and
undervalue your own work; but call them lines what
you like, to my taste they are the most beautiful lines in
the thing you done."

Reddy did not know what to answer, and his confusion
was increased by catching old Growling's eye, who was
chuckling at the mal-^-propos speech of the flourishing
Mrs. Riley.

*' Don't you sing yourself, sir ? " said that lady.

" To be sure he does," cried the Widow Flanagan ;
^ and he must give us one of his own. "

** Oh ! "

*' No excuses ; now, James ! "

*' Where 's Duggan ? " inquired the poetaster, aflTect-
edly ; " I told him to be here to accompany me. "

^^ I attend your muse, sir, " said a miserable structure
of skin and bone, advancing with a low bow and obse-
quious smile : this was the poor music-master, who set
Reddy's rhymes to music as bad, and danced attendance
on him everywhere.

The music-master fumbled over a hackneyed prelude
to show his command of the instrument.

Miss Riley whispered to her mamma that it was out of
one of her first books of lessons.

Mrs. Flanagan, with a seductive smirk, asked, ^^ what
he was going to give them ? " The poet replied, '* a
little thing of his own ^Rosalie; or, the Broken
Heart,' sentimental, but rather sad. "

The musical skeleton rattled his bones against the
ivory in a very one, two, three, four symphony; the
poet ran his fingers through his hair, pulled up his collar,
gave his head a jaunty nod, and commenced :



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296 Handy Andy



ROSALIE;

OR, THE BROKEN HEART.

Fare thee fare thee well alas !

Fare farewell to thee !
On pleasure's wings, as dew-drops fede.

Or honey stingy the bee,
My heart is as sad as a black stone

Under the blue sea.

Oh, Rosalie ! Oh, Rosalie!

As ruder rocks with envy glow.

Thy coral lips to see,
So the weeping waves more briny grow

With my salt tears for thee !
My heart b as sad as a black stone

Under the blue sea.

Oh, Rosalie ! Oh, Rosalie 1

After this brilliant specimen of the mysteriously-senti-
mental and imaginative school was sufficiently applauded,
dancing was recommenced, and Reddy seated himself
beside Mrs. Riley, the incense of whose praise was sweet
in his nostrils. " Oh, you have a soul for poetry indeed,
sir," said the lady. '*I was bewildered with all your
beautiful idays; that ^ honey stings the bee ' is a beautiful
iday so expressive of the pains and pleasures of love.
Ah ! I was the most romantic creature myself once.
Mister Reddy, though you would n't think it now ; but
the cares of the world and a family takes the shine out
of us. I remember when the men used to be making
hats in my father's establishment for my father was
the most extensive hatter in Dublin I don't know if
you knew my father was a hatter ; but you know, sir,
manufactures must be followed, and that's no reason
why people shouldn't enjoy po'thry and refinement.
Well, I was going to tell you how romantic I was, and
when the men were making the hats I don't know
whether you ever saw them making hats "



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Handy Andy 297

Reddy declared he never did.

"Well, it's like the witches round the iron pot in
Macbeth ; did you ever see Kemble in Macbeth ? Oh !
he 'd make your blood freeze, though the pit is so hot
you would n't have a dhry rag on you. But to come to
the hats. When they 're making them, they have
hardly any crown to them at all, and they are all with
great sprawling wide flaps to them; well, the moment I
clapt my eyes on one of them, I thought of a Spanish
nobleman directly, with his slouched hat and black
feathers like a hearse. Yes, I assure you, the broad
hat always brought to my mind a Spanish noble or an
Italian noble (that would do as well, you know), or
a robber or a murderer, which is all the same thing."

Reddy could not conceive a hat manufactory as a
favourable nursery for romance ; but as the lady praised
his song, he listened complacently to her hatting.

"And that's another beautiful iday, sir," continued
the lady, " where you make the rocks jealous of each
other that 's so beautiful to bring in a bit of nature
into a metaphysic that way."

" You flatter me, ma'am," said Reddy ; " but if I
might speak of my own work that is, if a man may
ever speak of his own work "

" And why not, sir ? " asked Mrs. Riley, with a
business-like air ; " who has so good a right to speak of
the work as the man who done it, and knows what 's in
it?"

" That 's a very sensible remark of yours, ma'am, and
I will therefore take leave to say, tl^t the idea / am
proudest of, is the dark and heavy grief of the heart
being compared to a black stone, and its depth of misery
implied by the sea,^*

"Thrue for you," said Mrs. Riley; "and the blue
sea ah ! that did n't escape me ; that 's an elegant
touch the black stone and the blue sea ; and black
and blue, such a beautiful conthrast ! "



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298 Handy Andy



"I own," said Reddy, "I attempted, in that, the bold
and daring style of expression which Byron has in-
troduced."

" Oh, he 's a fine pcU certainly, but he 's not moral,
sir; and I'm afeard to let my daughter read such
combustibles."

" But he's grand," said Reddy ; " for instance

She walks in beauty like the night.*

How line ! "

" But how wicked ! " said Mrs. Riley. "I don't like
that night-walking style of poetry at all, so say no more
about it; we'll talk of something else. You admire
music, I 'm sure."

" I adore it, ma'am."

" Do you like the piano ? "

'^ Oh, ma'am ! I could live under a piano."

^^ My daughter plays the piano beautiful."

" Charmingly."

" Oh, but if you heerd her play the harp, you 'd think
she would n't lave a sthring on it " (this was Mrs.
Riley's favourite bit of praise); "and a beautiful harp
it is, one of Egan's double action, all over goold, and
cost eighty guineas ; Miss Cheese chuse it for her. Do
you know Miss Cheese ? she 's as plump as a partridge,
with a voice like a lark ; she sings elegant duets. Do
you ever sing duets ? "

" Not often."

" Ah ! if you could hear Pether Dowling sing duets
with my daughter ! he 'd make the hair stand straight on
your head with the delight. Oh, he 's a powerful singer !
you never heerd the like ; he runs up and down as fast
as a lamplighter; and the beautiful turns he gives;
oh ! I never heerd any one sing a second like Pether.
I declare he sings a second to that d^ree that you 'd think
it was the first^ and never at a loss for a shake ; and
then off he goes in a run that you 'd think he 'd never
come back ; but he does bring it back into the tune again



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Handy Andy 299

with as nate a fit as a Limerick glove. Oh ! I never
hcerd a singer like Pether!!!"

There is no knowing how much more Mrs, Riley
would have said about " Pether," if the end of the
dance had not cut her eloquence short by permitting
the groups of dancers, as they promenaded, to throw in
their desultory discourse right and left, and so break
up an)rthing like a consecutive conversation.

But let it not be supposed that all Mrs. Flanagan's
guests were of the Gubbins and Riley stamp. There
were some of the better class of the country people
present ; intelligence and courtesy in the one sex, and
gentleness and natural grace in the other, making a
society not to be ridiculed in the mass, though individ-
ual instances of folly and ignorance and purse-proud
effrontery were amongst it.

But to Growling every phase of society afforded grati-
fication ; and while no one had a keener relish for such
scenes as the one in which we have just witnessed him,
the learned and the courteous could be met with equal
weapons by the doctor when he liked.

Quitting the dancing-room, he went into the little
drawing-room, where a party of a very different stamp
was engaged in conversation. Edward O'Connor and
the ^^ dear English captain," as Mrs. Flanagan called
him, were deep in an interesting discussion about the
relative practices in Ireland and England on the occa-
sions of elections and trials, and most other public
events; and O'Connor and two or three listeners
amongst whom was a Mr. Monk, whose daughters,
remarkably nice girls, were of the party were delighted
with the feeling tone in which the Englishman spoke of
the poorer classes of Irish, and how often the excesses
into which they sometimes fell were viewed through an
exaggerated or distorted medium, and what was fre-
quently mere exuberance of spirit pronounced and pun-
ished as riot.



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3CX) Handy Andy



" I never saw a people over whom those in authority
require more good temper," remarked the captain.

"Gentleness goes a long way with them," said
Edward.

" And violence never succeeds," added Mr. Monk.

" You are of opinion, then," said the soldier, ** they
are not to be forced ? "

" Except to do what they like," chimed in Growling.

" That 's a very Irhh sort of coercion," said the cap-
tain, smiling.

"And therefore fit for Irishmen," said Growling;
"and I never knew an intelligent Englishman yet, who
came to Ireland, who did not find it out. Paddy has a
touch of the pig in him he won't be driven; but
you may coax him a long way : or if you appeal to his
reason for he happens to have such a thing about him
you may persuade him into what is right if you take
the trouble."

" By Jove ! " said the captain, " it is not easy to argue
with Paddy; the rascals are so ready with quip, and
equivoque, and queer answers, that they generally get
the best of it in talk, however fallacious may be their
argument ; and when you think you have Pat in a corner
and escape is inevitable, he *s off without your knowing
how he slipped through your fingers."

When the doctor joined the conversation, Edward,
knowing his powers, gave up the captain into his hands
and sat down by the side of Miss Monk, who had just
entered from the dancing-room, and retired to a chair in
the corner.

She and Edward soon got engaged in a conversation
particularly interesting to him. She spoke of having
lately met Fanny Dawson, and was praising her in such
terms of affectionate admiration, that Edward hung upon
every word with delight. I know not if Miss Monk
was aware of Edward's devotion in that quarter before,
but she could not look upon the bland though somewhat



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Handy Andy 301

sad smile which arched his expressive mouth, and the
dilated eye which beamed as her praises were uttered,
without being then conscious that Fanny Dawson had
made him captive.

She was pleased, and continued the conversation with
that inherent pleasure a woman has in touching a man's
heart, even though it be not on her own account ; and it
was done with tact and delicacy which only women
possess, and which is so refined that the rougher nature
of man is insensible of its drift and influence, and he is
betrayed by a net whose meshes are too fine for his per-
ception. Edward O'Connor never dreamt that Miss
Monk saw he was in love with the subject of their dis-
course. While they were talking, the merry hostess en-
tered; and the last words the captain uttered fell upon
her ear, and then followed a reply from Growling, saying
that Irishmen were as hard to catch as quicksilver. " Ay,
and as hard to keep as any other silver," said the widow ;
*' don't believe what these wild Irish fellows tell you of
themselves, they are all mad divils alike you steady
Englishmen are the safe men and the girls know it.
And 'faith, if you try them," added she, laughing, " I
don't know any one more likely to have luck with them
than yourself 5 for, 'pon my conscience, captain, we all
doat on you since you would not shoot the people the
other day."

There was a titter among the girls at this open avowal.

** Ah, why would n't I say it ? " exclaimed she, laugh-
ing. " I am not a mealy-mouthed miss ; sure / may
tell truth 5 and I would n't trust one o' ye," she added,
with a very significant nod of the head at the gentle-
men, " except the captain. Yes I 'd trust one more
I'd trust Mister O'Connor; I think he really could
be true to a woman."

The words fell sweetly upon his ear ; the expression
of trust in his faith at that moment, even from the
laughing widow, was pleasing ; for his heart was full of



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302 Handy Andy

the woman he adored, and it was only by long waiting
and untiring fidelity she could ever become his.

He bowed courteously to the compliment the hostess
paid him \ and she, immediately taking advantage of his
acknowledgment, said that after having paid him such a
pretty compliment he could n't refuse her to sing a song.
Edward never liked to sing in mixed companies, and
was about making some objections, when the widow in-
terrupted him with one of those Irish " Ah, now's," so
hard to resist. ^^ Besides, all the noisy pack are in the
dancing-room, or indeed I would n't ask you ; and here
there 's not one won't be charmed with you. Ah, look
at Miss Monk, there I know she 's dying to hear you ;
and see all the ladies hanging on your lips absolutely. Can
you refuse me after that^ now ? "

It was true that in the small room where they sat
there were only those who were worthy of better things
than Edward would have ventured on to the many \ and
filled with the tender and passionate sentiment his con-
versation with Miss Monk had awakened, one of those
efRisions of deep, and earnest, and poetic feeling which
love had prompted to his muse rose to his lips, and he
began to sing.

All were silent, for the poet singer was a favourite,
and all knew with what touching expression he gave his
compositions \ but now the mellow tones of his voice
seemed to vibrate with a feeling in more than common
unison with the words, and his dark earnest eyes beamed
with a devotion of which she who was the object might
be proud.

A LEAF THAT REMINDS OF THEE



How sweet is the hour we give,
When fancy may wander free,
To the friends who in memory live!
For then I remember thee !



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Handy Andy 303



Then wing'd, like the dove from the ark.
My hearty o'er a stormy sea,

Brings back to my lonely bark
A leaf that reminds of theel



But still does the sky look dark.

The waters still deep and wide \
Oh! when may my lonely bark

In peace on the shore abide ?
But through the future far,

Dark though my course may be,
nou art my guiding star!

My heart still turns to thee.

Ill

When I see thy friends I smile,

I sigh when I hear thy name ;
But they cannot tell the while

Whence the smile or the sadness came \
Vainly the world may deem

The cause of my sighs they knowt
The breeze that stirs the stream

Knows not the depth below.

Before the first verse of the song was over, the en-
trance to the room was filled with eager listeners, and, at
its conclusion, a large proportion of the company from
the dancing-room bad crowded round the door, attracted
by the rich voice of the singer, and fascinated into si-
lence by the charm of his song. Perhaps after mental
qualities, the most valuable gift a man can have is a fine
voice ; it at once commands attention, and may therefore
be ranked in a man's possession as highly as beauty in a
woman's.

In speaking thus of voice, I do not allude to the power
of singing, but the mere physical quality of a fine voice,
which in the bare utterance of the simplest words is
pleasing, but, becoming the medium for the interchange
of higher thoughts, is irresistible. Superadded to this gift,
which Edward possessed, the song he sang had meaning



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304 Handy Andy

in it which could reach the hearts of all his auditory,
though its poetry might be appreciated by but few \ its
imagery grew upon a stem whose root was in every
bosom, and the song that possesses this quality, whatever
may be its defects, contains not only the elements of
future fame, but of immediate popularity. Startling was
the contrast between the silence the song had produced
and the simultaneous clapping of hands outside the door
when it was over ; not the poor plaudit of a fashionable
assembly, whose '' bravo " is an attenuated note of ad-
miration, struggling into a sickly existence and expiring
in a sigh applause of so suspicious a character, that
no one seems desirous of owning it a feeble forgery
of satisfaction which people think it disgraceful to be
caught uttering. The clapping was not the plaudits of
high-bred hands, whose sound is like the fluttering of
small wings, just enough to stir gossamer but not the
heart. No \ such was not the applause which followed
Edward's song ; he had the outburst of heart-warm and
unsophisticated satisfaction unfettered by chilling con-
vention. Most of his hearers did not know that it was
disgraceful to admit being too well pleased, and the poor
innocents really opened their mouths and clapped their
hands. Oh, Ae ! tell it not in Grosvenor-square.

And now James Reddy contrived to be asked to sing ;
the coxcomb, not content with his luck in being listened
to before, panted for such another burst of applause as
greeted Edward, whose song he had no notion was any
better than his own ; the puppy fancied his rubbish of the
^^ black stone under the blue sea " partook of a grander
character of composition, and that while Edward's
" breeze " but " stirred the stream," he had fathomed the
ocean. But a " heavy blow and great discouragement **
was in store for Master James, for as he commenced a
love ditty which he called by the fascinating title of
" The Rose of Silence," and verily believed would have
enraptured every woman in the room, a powerful voice,



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Handy Andy 305

richly flavoured with the brogue, shouted forth outside
the door, " Ma*am^ if you plaxe^ supper *s sarvedr The
effect was magical ; a rush was made to supper by the
crowd in the doorway, and every gentleman in the lit-
tle drawing-room oflfered his arm to a lady, and led her
off without the smallest regard to Reddy's singing.

His look was worth anything as he saw himself thus
unceremoniously deserted and likely soon to be left in
sole possession of the room; the old doctor was en-
chanted with his vexation \ and when James ceased to
sing, as the last couple were going, the doctor inter-
posed his request that the song should be finished.

"Don't stop, my dear fellow," said the doctor;
^^ that 's the best song I have heard for a long time,
and you must indulge me by finishing it that 's a
gem.

'* Why, you see, doctor, they have all gone to supper.*'

" Yes, and the devil choke them with it," said Grow-
ling, " for their want of taste ; but never mind that : one
judicious listener is worth a crowd of such fools, you '11
admit ; so sit down again and sing for me."

The doctor seated himself as he spoke, and there he
kept Reddy, who he knew was very fond of a good sup-
per, singing away for the bare life, with only one person
for audience, and that one humbugging him. The scene
was rich ; the gravity with which the doctor carried on
the quiz was admirable, and the gullibility of the cox-
comb who was held captive by his affected admiration
exquisitely absurd and almost past belief; even Growling
himself was amazed, as he threw in a rapturous " charm-
ing " or " bravissimo," at the egregious folly of his dupe,
who still continued singing, while the laughter of the
supper-room and the inviting clatter of its knives and
forks were ringing in his ear. When Reddy concluded,
the doctor asked might he venture to request the last
verse again ; " for," continued he, " there is a singular
beauty of thought and felicity of expression in its num^
VOL. I. 20



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3o6 Handy Andy

bers, leaving the mind unsatisfied with but one hearing ;
once more, if you please."

Poor Reddy repeated the last verse.

" Very charming, indeed ! " said the doctor.

*' You really like it ? " said Reddy.

" Like ? " said the doctor " sir, like is a faint ex-
pression of what I think of that song. Moore had bet-
ter look to his laurels, sir ! "

" Oh, doctor ! "

" Ah, you know yourself," said Growling.

" Then that last, doctor ? " said . Reddy, in-
quiringly.

^^ Is your most successful achievement, sir \ there is a
mysterious shadowing forth of something in it which is
very fine.'*

" You like it better than the ' Black Stone ' ? "

" Pooh ! sir ; the ' Black Stone,' if I may be allowed
an image, is but ordinary paving, while that ^ Rose of
Silence ' of yours might strew the path to Parnassus."

" And is it not strange, doctor," said Reddy, in a re-
proachful tone, " that them people should be insensible
to that song, and leave the room while I was singing
it?"

"Too good for them, sir above their compre-
hension."

" Besides, so rude ! " said Reddy.

" Oh, my dear friend," said the doctor, *' when you
know more of the world, you '11 find out that an appeal
from the lower house to the upper," and he changed his
hand from the region of his waistcoat to his head as he
spoke, " is most influential."

" True, doctor," said Reddy, with a smile ; " and sup-
pose we go to supper now."

" Wait a moment," said Growling, holding his but-
ton. " Did you ever try your hand at an epic ? "

" No, I can't say that I did."

" I wish you would."



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Handy Andy 307

" You flatter mc, doctor ; but don't you think we had
better go to supper ? '*

" Ha ! " said the doctor, *' your own House of Com-
mons is sending up an appeal eh ? "

'* Decidedly, doctor."

" Then you see, my dear friend, you can't wonder at
those poor inferior beings hurrying off to indulge their
gross appetites, when a man of genius like you is not in-
sensible to the same call. Never wonder again at peo-
ple leaving your song for supper. Master James," said
the doctor, resting his arm on Reddy, and sauntering
from the room. " Never wonder again at the triumph
of supper over song, for the Swan of Avon himself
would have no chance against roast ducks."

Reddy smacked his lips at the word ducks, and the
savoury odour of the supper-room which they approached
heightened his anticipation of an onslaught on one of
the aforesaid tempting birds ; but, ah ! when he entered
the room, skeletons of ducks there were, but nothing
more ; the work of demolition had been in able hands,
and the doctor's lachrymose exclamation of *' the devil a
duck ! " found a hollow echo under Reddy's waistcoat.
Round the room that deluded minstrel went, seeking
what he might devour, but his voyage of discovery for
any hot fowl was profitless; and Growling, in silent
delight, witnessed his disappointment.

** Come, sir," said the doctor, " there 's plenty of
punch left, however \ I '11 take a glass with you, and
drink success to your next song, for the last is all I
could wish ; " and so indeed it was, for it enabled him to
laugh at the poetaster, and cheat him out of his supper.

" Ho, ho ! " said Murtough Murphy, who approached
the door; ^^you have found out the punch is good, eh?
'Faith it is that same, and I '11 take another glass of it
with you before I go, for the night is cold."

" Are you going so soon ? " asked Growling, as he
clinked his glass against the attorney's.



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3o8 Handy Andy

" Whisht ! " said Murphy, " not a word, I *in
slipping away after Dick the Divil ; we have a trifle of
work in hand quite in his line, and it is time to set about
it. Good bye, you '11 hear more of it to-morrow
snug 's the word."

Murphy stole away, for the open departure of so
merry a blade would not have been permitted, and in
the hall he found Dick mounting a large top-coat and
mufliing up.

^^Good people are scarce, you think, Dick," said
Murphy.

" I 'd recommend you to follow the example, for the
night is bitter cold, I can tell you."

^^ And as dark as a coal-hole," said Murphy, as he
opened the door and looked out.

^ No matter, I have got a dark lantern," said Dick,
^ which we can use when required \ make haste, the gig
is round the corner, and the little black mare will roU
us over in no time."

They left the house quietly, as he spoke, and started
on a bit of mischief which demands a separate chapter.



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CHAPTER XXII

THE night was pitch dark, and on rounding the
adjacent corner no vehicle could be seen; but
a peculiar whistle from Dick was answered by the
sound of approaching wheels and the rapid footfalls of
a horse, mingled with the light rattle of a smart gig.
On the vehicle coming up, Dick took his little mare,
that was blacker than the night, by the head, the apron
of the gig was thrown down, and out jumped a sman
servant-boy.

" You have the horse ready, too, Billy ? "

" Yis, sir," said Billy, touching his hat.

" Then follow, and keep up with me, remember."

"Yis, sir."

** Come to her head, here," and he patted the little
mare's neck as he spoke with a caressing " whoa,"
which was answered by a low neigh of satisfaction,
while the impatient pawing of her fore foot showed the
animal's desire to start. "What an impatient little
devil she is," said Dick, as he mounted the gig ; "I '11
get in first. Murphy, as I *m going to drive. Now up
with you hook on the apron that's it are you
aU right ? "

" Quite," said Murphy.

" Then you be into your saddle and after us, Billy,"
said Dick ; " and now let her go."

Billy gave the little black mare her head, and away
she went, at a slapping pace, the fire from the road
answering the rapid strokes of her nimble feet. The

VOL. II. I



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3IO Handy Andy

servant then mounted a horse which was tied to a
neighbouring palisade, and had to gallop for it to come
up with his master, who was driving with a swiftness
almost fearful, considering the darkness of the night and
the narrowness of the road he had to traverse, for he
was making the best of his course by cross-ways to an
adjacent roadside inn, where some non-resident electors
were expected to arrive that night by a coach from
Dublin; for the county town had every nook and
cranny occupied, and this inn was the nearest point
where they could get any accommodation.

Now don't suppose that they were electors whom
Murphy and Dick in their zeal for their party were
going over to greet with hearty welcomes and bring up
to the poll the next day. By no means. They were
the friends of the opposite party, and it was with the
design of retarding their movements that this night's
excursion was undertaken. These electors were a
batch of plain citizens from Dublin, whom the Scatter-
brain interest had induced to leave the peace and quiet
of the city to tempt the wilds of the country at that
wildest of times during a contested election ; and a
night coach was freighted inside and out with the
worthy cits, whose aggregate voices would be of im-
mense importance the next day ; for the contest was
close, the county nearly polled out, and but two days
more for the struggle. Now, to intercept these plain
unsuspecting men was the object of Murphy, whose
well-supplied information had discovered to him this
plan of the enemy, which he set about countermining.
As they rattled over the rough by-roads, many a laugh
did the merry attorney and the untameable Dick the
Devil exchange, as the probable success of their scheme
was canvassed, and fresh expedients devised to meet the
possible impediments which might interrupt them. As
they topped a hill Murphy pointed out to his companion
a moving light in the plain beneath.



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Handy Andy 311

** That's the coach, Dick there are the lamps,
we 're just in time spin down the hill, my boy let
me get in as they 're at supper, and 'faith they '11 want
it, after coming off a coach such a night as this, to say
nothing of some of them being aldermen in expectancy
perhaps, and of course obliged to play trencher-men as
often as they can, as a requisite rehearsal for the parts
they must hereafter fill."

In fifteen minutes more Dick pulled up before a
small cabin within a quarter of a mile of the inn, and
the mounted servant tapped at the door, which was
immediately opened, and a peasant, advancing to the
gig, returned the civil salutation with which Dick
greeted his approach.

*' I wanted to be sure you were ready, Barny."

" Oh, do you think I 'd fail you, Misther Dick, your
honour?"

'* I thought you might be asleep, Barny."

" Not when you bid me wake, sir ; and there 's a nice
fire ready for you, and as fine a dhrop o' potteen as ever
tickled your tongue, sir."

"You're the lad, Barny! good fellow I'll be
back with you by-and-by;" and off whipped Dick
again.

After going about a quarter of a mile further, he
pulled up, alighted with Murphy from the gig, unhar-
nessed the little black mare, and then overturned the
gig into the ditch.

"That's as natural as life,", said Dick.

" What an escape of my neck I 've had ! " said
Murphy.

" Are you much hurt ? " said Dick.

"A trifle lame only," said Murphy, laughing and
limping.

" There was a great boccagh ^ lost in you. Murphy.
Wait; let me rub a handful of mud on your face
^ Lame beggar.



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312 Handy Andy

there you have a very upset look, 'pon my soul,**
said Dick, as he flashed the light of his lantern on him
for a moment, and laughed at Murphy scooping the mud
out of his eye, where Dick had purposely planted it.

" Devil take you," said Murtough ; " that 's too
natural/'

** There 's nothing like looking your part," said Dick.

"Well, I may as well complete my attire," said
Murtough, so he lay down in the road and took a roll
in the mud; "that will do," said he; "and now, Dick,
go back to Barny and the mountain dew, while I storm
the camp of the Philistines. I think in a couple of
hours you may be on the look-out for me ; I '11 signal
you from the window, so now good bye ; " and Murphy,
leading the mare, proceeded to the inn, while Dick, with
a parting " Luck to you, my boy," turned back to the
cottage of Barny.

The coach had set down six inside and ten out
passengers (all voters) about ten minutes before Murphy
marched up to the inn door, leading the black mare, and
calling " ostler " most lustily. His call being answered
for " the beast," " the man " next demanded attention ;
and the landlord wondered all the wonders he could
cram into a short speech, at seeing Misther Murphy,
sure, at such a time ; and the sonsy landlady, too, was
all lamentations for his illigant coat and his poor eye,
sure, all ruined with the mud: and what was it at
all ? an upset, was it ? oh, wirra ! and was n't it lucky
he was n't killed, and they without a spare bed to lay
him. out dacent if he was sure, would n't it be horrid
for his body to be only on sthraw in the barn, instead
of the best feather-bed in the house ; and, indeed, he 'd
be welcome to it, only the gintlemen from town had
them all engaged.

" Well, dead or alive, I must stay here to-night, Mrs.
Kelly, at all events."

" And what will you do for a bed ? "



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Handy Andy 313

** A shake down in the parlour, or a stretch on a sofa,
will do; my gig is stuck fast in a ditch my mare
tired ten miles from home cold night, and my knee
hurt/* Murphy limped as he spoke.

" Oh ! your poor knee," said Mrs. Kelly ; " I '11 put
a dhrop o* whisky and brown paper on it, sure "

"And what gentlemen are these, Mrs. Kelly, who
have so filled your house?"

" Gintlemen that came by the coach a while agone,
and supping in the parlour now, sure."

"Would you give my compliments, and ask would
they allow me, under the present peculiar circumstances,
to join them ? and in the meantime, send somebody
down the road to take the cushions out of my gig \ for
there is no use in attempting to get the gig out till
morning."

" Sartinly, Misther Murphy, we Ml send for the cush-
ions ; but as for the gentlemen, they are all on the other
side."

" What other side ? "

" The Honourable's voters, sure."

"Pooh! is that all?" said Murphy, "I don't mind
that, I've no objection on that account; besides, they
need not know who / am," and he gave the landlord a
knowing wink, to which the landlord as knowingly
returned another.

The message to the gentlemen was delivered, and
Murphy was immediately requested to join their party ;
this was all he wanted, and he played off his powers of
diversion on the innocent citizens so successfully, that
before supper was half over they thought themselves in
luck to have fallen in with such a chance acquaintance.
Murphy fired away jokes, repartees, anecdotes, and
country gossip, to their delight ; and when the eatables
were disposed of, he started them on the punch-drinking
tack afterwards so cleverly, that he hoped to see three
parts of them tipsy before they retired to rest.



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314 Handy Andy

" Do you feel your knee better now, sir ? " asked one
of the party, of Murphy.

" Considerably, thank you \ whisky punch, sir, is
about the best cure for bruises or dislocations a man
can take."

^^ I doubt that, sir,'' said a little matter-of-fact man,
who had now interposed his reasonable doubts for the
twentieth time during Murphy's various extravagant
declarations, and the interruption only made Murphy
romance the more.

" You speak of your fiery Dublin stuff, sir ; but our
country whisky is as mild as milk, and far more whole-
some ; then, sir, our fine air alone would cure half the
complaints without a grain of physic."

" I doubt that, sir ! " said the little man.

" I assure you, sir, a friend of my own from town
came down here last spring on crutches, and from
merely following a light whisky diet and sleeping with
his window open, he was able to dance at the race ball
in a fortnight; as for this knee of mine, it's a trifle,
though it was a bad upset too."

" How did it happen, sir ? Was it your horse or
your harness or your gig or "

" None o' them, sir ; it was a Banshee,*\

" A Banshee ! " said the little man ; " what 's that ? "

" A peculiar sort of supernatural creature that is com-
mon here, sir. She was squatted down on one side of
the road, and my mare shied at her, and being a spirited
little thing, she attempted to jump the ditch and missed
it in the dark."

" Jump a ditch, with a gig after her, sir ? " said the
little man.

" Oh, common enough to do that here, sir ; she 'd
have done it easy in the daylight, but she could not
measure her distance in the dark, and bang she went
into the ditch : but it 's a trifle, after alU I am gener-
ally run over four or five times a year/*



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Handy Andy 315

" And you alive to tell it ! " said the little man, in-
credulously.

^^ It 's hard to kill us here, sir, we are used to ac-
cidents."

" Well, the worst accident I ever heard of," said one
of the citizens, " happened to a friend of mine, who
went to visit a friend of his on a Sunday, and all the
family happened to be at church -, so on driving into the
yard there was no one to take his horse, therefore he
undertook the office of ostler himself; but being unused
to the duty, he most incautiously took off the horse's
bridle before unyoking him from his gig, and the ani-
mal, making a furious plunge forward my friend
being before him at the time the shaft of the gig
was driven through his body, and into the coach-house
gate behind him, and stuck so fast that the horse could
not drag it out after; and in this dreadful situation they
remained until the family returned from church, and saw
the awful occurrence. A servant was despatched for a
doctor, and the shaft was disengaged, and drawn out of
the man's body just at the pit of the stomach ; he was
laid on a bed, and every one thought of course he must
die at once, but he did n't ; and the doctor came next day,
and he was n't dead did what he could for him and,
to make a long story short, sir, the man recovered."

^ Pooh ! pooh ! " said the diminutive doubter.

" It 's true," said the narrator.

" I make no doubt of it, sir," said Murphy ; " I
know a more extraordinary case of recovery myself."

" I beg your pardon, sir," said the cit ; "I have not
finished my story yet, for the most extraordinary part of
the story remains to be told ; my friend, sir, was a very
sickly man before the accident happened a very sickly
man, and after that accident he became a hale healthy
man. What do you think of that, sir ? "

^^ It does not surprise me in the least, sir," said
Murphy ; " I can account for it readily."



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3i6 Handy Andy

" Well, sir, I never heard it accounted for, though I
know it to be true; I should like to hear how you
account for it ? "

" Very simply, sir," said Murphy ; " don't you per-
ceive the man discovered a mine of health by a shaft
being sunk in the pit of his stomach ? "

Murphy's punning solution of the cause of cure was
merrily received by the company, whose critical taste
was not of that aiFected nature which despises jeu de mots^
and will not be satisfied under a jeu cT esprit ; the little
doubting man alone refused to be pleased.

" I doubt the value of a pun always, sir. Dr. John-
son said, sir "

^^ I know," said Murphy ; ^^ that the man who would
make a pun would pick a pocket ; that 's old, sir, but
is dearly remembered by all those who cannot make
puns themselves."

'* Exactly," said one of the party they called Wiggins.
'* It is the old story of the fox and the grapes. Did you
ever hear, sir, the story of the fox and the grapes ? The
fox one day was "

" Yes, yes," said Murphy, who, fond of absurdity as
he was, could not stand the fox and the grapes by way
of something new.

** They 're sour, said the fox."

" Yes," said Murphy, '' a capital stoiy."

'' Oh, them fables is so good ! " said Wiggins.

^^ All nonsense ! " said the diminutive contradictor.

^^ Nonsense, nothing but nonsense ; the ridiculous
stuff of birds and beasts speaking ! As if any one could
believe such stuff."

u I do firmly for one," said Murphy.

" You do ? " said the little man.

" I do and do you know why ? "

" I cannot indeed conceive," said the little man, with
a bitter grin.

^^ It is, sir, because I myself know a case that oc-
curred in this very country of a similar nature."



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Handy Andy 317

" Do you want to make me believe you knew a fox
that spoke, sir ? " said the mannikin, almost rising into
anger.

" Many, sir/' said Murphy, ^ many."

Well ! after that ! " said the little man.

^^ But the case I immediately allude to is not of a fox,
but a cat," said Murphy.

" A cat ? Oh, yes to be sure a cat speak, in-
deed ! " said the little gentleman.

" It is a fiict, sir," said Murphy ; " and if the com-
pany would not object to my relating the story, I will
state the particulars."

The proposal was received with acclamation; and
Murphy, in great enjoyment of the little man's annoy-
ance, cleared his throat, and made all the preparatory
demonstrations of a regular raconteur; but, before he
began, he recommended the gentlemen to mix fresh
tumblers all round that they might have nothing to do
but listen and drink silently. ^^ For of all things in the
world," said Murtough, " I hate a song or a story to be
interrupted by the rattle of spoons."

They obeyed ; and while they are mixing their punch,
we will just turn over a fresh page, and devote a new
Chapter to the following

MARVELLOUS LEGEND



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CHAPTER XXIII

MURTOUGH MURPHY'S STORY}

BEING

YE MARVELLOUS LEGEND OF TOM CONNOR'S CAT

" 'T"^HERE was a man in these parts, sir, you must
X know, called Tom Connor, and he had a cat
that was equal to any dozen of rat-traps, and he was
proud of the baste, and with rayson ; for she was worth
her weight in goold to him in saving his sacks of meal
from the thievery of the rats and mice ; for Tom was
an extensive dealer in corn, and influenced the rise and
fall of that article in the market, to the extent of a full
dozen of sacks at a time, which he either kept or sold,
as the spirit of free trade or monopoly came over him.
Indeed, at one time, Tom had serious thoughts of ap-
plying to the government for a military force to protect
his granary when there was a threatened famine in the
county."

" Pooh ! pooh ! sir," said the matter-of-fact little
man : " as if a dozen sacks could be of the smallest con-
sequence in a whole county pooh ! pooh ! "

" Well, sir," said Murphy, " I can't help if you don't
believe ; but it 's truth what I am telling you, and pray
don't interrupt me, though you may not believe ; by the
time the story 's done you '11 have heard more wonder-
ful things than thaty and besides, remember you 're a
stranger in these parts, and have no notion of the extra-
ordinary things, physical, metaphysical, and magical,
which constitute the idiosyncrasy of rural destiny."



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Handy Andy 319

The little man did not know the meaning of Mur-
phy's last sentence nor Murphy either; but, having
stopped the little man's throat with big words, he pro-
ceeded

^^ This cat, sir, you must know, was a great pet, and
was so up to everything, that Tom swore she was a'most
like a Christian, only she could n't speak, and had so
sensible a look in her eyes, that he was sartin sure the
cat knew every word that was said to her. Well, she
used to sit by him at breakfast every morning, and the
eloquent cock of her tail, as she used to rub against his
leg, said, ' Give me some milk, Tom Connor,' as plain
as print, and the plenitude of her purr afterwards spoke a
gratitude beyond language. Well, one morning, Tom
was going to the neighbouring town to market, and
he had promised the wife to bring home shoes to the
childre' out o' the price of the corn ; and sure enough,
before he sat down to breakfast, there was Tom taking
the measure of the children's feet, by cutting notches on
a bit of stick ; and the wife gave him so many cautions
about getting a * nate fit ' for * Billy's purty feet,' that
Tom, in his anxiety to nick the closest possible measure,
cut oiF the child's toe. That disturbed the harmony
of the party, and Tom was obliged to breakfast alone,
while the mother was endeavouring to cure Billy; in
short, trying to make a heal of his toe. Well, sir, all the
time Tom was taking measure for the shoes, the cat
was observing him with that luminous peculiarity of eye
for which her tribe is remarkable ; and when Tom sat
down to breakfast the cat rubbed up against him more
vigorously than usual; but Tom, being bewildered
between his expected gain in corn and the positive loss
of his child's toe, kept never minding her, until the cat,
with a sort of caterwauling growl, gave Tom a dab of
her claws, that went clean through his leathers, and a
little further. 'Wow ! ' says Tom, with a jump, clap-
ping his hand on the part, and rubbing it, ' by this and



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320 Handy Andy

that, you drew the blood out o' me,' says Tom ; ' you
wicked divil tish ! go along ! ' says he, making a
kick at her. With that the cat gave a reproachful look
at him, and her eyes glared just like a pair of mail-coach
lamps in a fog. With that, sir, the cat, with a mys-
terious ' miHfWy fixed a most penetrating glance on Tom,
and distinctly uttered his name.

^ Tom felt evexy hair on his head as stiiF as a pump-
handle; and scarcely crediting his ears, he returned a
searching look at the cat, who very quietly proceeded in
a sort of nasal twang

" ' Tom Connor,' says she.

" ' The Lord be good to me ! ' says Tom, * if it is n't
spakin' she is ! '

** ' Tom Connor,' says she again.

" * Yes, ma'am,' says Tom.

'* ' Come here,' says she ; * whisper I want to talk
to you, Tom,' says she, ' the laste taste in private,' says
she rising on her hams, and beckoning him with her
paw out o' the door, with a wink and a toss o* the head
aiqual to a milliner.

" Well, as you may suppose, Tom did n't know
whether he was on his head or his heels, but he followed
the cat, and o(F she went and squatted herself under the
edge of a little paddock at the back of Tom's house ;
and as he came round the corner, she held up her paw
again, and laid it on her mouth, as much as to say, ^ Be
cautious, Tom.' Well, divil a word Tom could say at
all, with the fright, so up he goes to the cat, and says
she

" ' Tom,' says she, ' I have a great respect for you,
and there's something I must tell you, becase you're
losing character with your neighbours,' says she, 'by
your goin's on,' says she, * and it 's out o' the respect that
I have for you, that I must tell you,* says she.

" ' Thank you, ma'am,' says Tom.

" * You 're goin' off to the town,' says she, * to buy



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Handy Andy 521

shoes for the childre',' says she, ^ and never thought o'
gettin' me a pair.'

" ' You ! ' says Tom.

" ' Yis, me, Tom Connor,' says she ; ' and the neigh-
bours wondhers that a respectable man like you allows
your cat to go about the counthry barefutted,' says she.

'' ' Is it a cat to ware shoes ? ' says Tom.

'* ' Why not ? ' says she ; ' does n't horses ware shoes ?

and I have a prettier foot than a horse, I hope,' says
she, with a toss of her head.

" ' Faix, she spakes like a woman ; so proud of her
feet,' says Tom to himself, astonished, as you may sup-
pose, but pretending never to think it remarkable all the
time ; and so he went on discoursin' ; and says he, ^ It 's
thrue for you, ma'am,' says he, * that horses wares shoes

but that stands to rayson, ma'am, you see seeing
the hardship their feet li^s to go through on the hard
roads.'

^^ ^ And how do you know what hardship my feet has
to go through ? ' says the cat, mighty sharp.

'* ' But, ma'am,' says Tom, * I don't well see how
you could fasten a shoe on you,' says he.

" ' Lave that to me,' says the cat.

" ' Did any one ever stick walnut shells on you,
pussy ? ' says Tom, with a grin.

" * Don't be disrespectful, Tom Connor,' says the cat,
with a frown.

"'I ax your pard'n, ma'am,' says he, 'but as for the
horses you wor spakin' about wearin' shoes, you know
their shoes is fastened on with nails, and how would your
shoes be fastened on ? '

*' ' Ah, you stupid thief! ' says she, ' have n't I illigant
nails o* my own ? ' and with that she gave him a dab of
her claw, that made him roar.

" ' Ow ! murdher ! * says he.

** * Now, no more of your palaver, Misther Connor,*
says the cat ; 'just be ofFand get me the shoes.'



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322 Handy Andy

" * Tare an' ouns ! ' says Tom, ' what '11 become o' me
if I 'm to get shoes for my cats ? ' says he, * for you in-
crease your family four times a year, and you have six or
seven every time,' says he ; ' and then you must all have
two pair a piece wirra ! wirra ! I '11 be ruined in
shoe-leather,' says Tom.

" * No more o' your stuff,' says the cat ; ' don't be
standin' here undher the hedge talkin', or we '11 lose our
karacthers for I 've remarked your wife is jealous,
Tom.'

" ' 'Pon my sowl, that 's thrue,' says Tom, with a smirk.

"*More fool she,' says the cat, 'for, 'pon my con-
science, Tom, you 're as ugly as if you wor bespoke.'

"Off ran the cat with these words, leaving Tom in
amazement. He said nothing to the family, for fear of
fright'ning them, and off he went to the town^ as he
pretended ^-^ for he saw the cat watching him through a
hole in the hedge ; but when he came to a turn at the
end of the road, the dickings a mind he minded the
market, good or bad, but went off to Squire Botherum's,
the magisthrit, to sware examinations agen the cat."

" Pooh ! pooh ! nonsense ! ! " broke in the little
man, who had listened thus far to Murtough with an
expression of mingled wonder and contempt, while the
rest of the party willingly gave up the reins to nonsense,
and enjoyed Murtough's Legend and their companion's
more absurd common sense.

" Don't interrupt him, Goggins," said Mister Wiggins,

" How can you listen to such nonsense ? " returned
Goggins. " Swear examinations against a cat, indeed !
pooh ! pooh ! "

" My dear sir," said Murtough, " remember this is a
fair story, and that the country all around here is full of
enchantment. As I was telling you, Tom went off to
swear examinations."

" Ay, ay ! " shouted all but Goggins \ " go on with
the story."



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Handy Andy 323

" And when Tom was asked to relate the events of
the morning, which brought him before Squire Botherum,
his brain was so bewildered between his corn, and his
cat, and his child's toe, that he made a very confused
account of it.

^^ ^ Begin your story from the beginning,' said the mag-
istrate to Tom.

" ' Well, your honour,' says Tom, * I was goin' to
market this momin', to sell the child's corn I beg
your pard'n my own toes, I mane, sir.'

" * Sell your toes ! ' said the Squire.

" ' No, sir, takin' the cat to market, I mane '

" * Take a cat to market ! ' said the Squire. * You 're
drunk, man.'

" ' No, your honour, only confused a little ; for when
the toes began to spake to me the cat, I mane I
was bothered clane '

" * The cat speak to you ! ' said the Squire. ' Phew !
worse than before you 're drunk, Tom.'

" ' No, your honour ; it 's on the strength of the cat I
come to spake to you '

" ' I think it 's on the strength of a pint of whisky,
Tom '

" ' By the vartue o' my oath, your honour, it 's nothin'
but the cat.' And so Tom then told him all about the af-
&ir, and the Squire was regularly astonished. Just then
the bishop of the diocese and the priest of the parish hap-
pened to call in, and heard the story ; and the bishop and
the priest had a tough argument for two hours on the
subject ; the former swearing she must be a witch ; but
the priest denying that^ and maintaining she was only en-
chanted ; and that part of the argument was afterwards
referred to the primate, and subsequently to the conclave
at Rome ; but the Pope declined interfering about cats,
saying he had quite enough to do minding his own bulls.

^^ ^ In the meantime, what are we to do with the cat ? '
says Botherum.



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324 Handy Andy

" * Burn her,' says the bishop, ' she 's a witch.*

" * Only enchanted,' said the priest ' and the eccle-
siastical court maintains that '

** * Bother the ecclesiastical court ! ' said the magis-
trate ; ^ I can only proceed on the statutes ; ' and with
that he pulled down all the law-books in his library, and
hunted the laws from Queen Elizabeth down, and he
found that they made laws against everything in Ireland,
except a cat. The devil a thing escaped them but a cat,
which did not come within the meaning of any act of par-
liament : ~ the cats only had escaped.

** ' There 's the alien act, to be sure,' said the magis-
trate, ' and perhaps she *s a French spy, in disguise/

" * She spakes like a French spy, sure enough,' says
Tom ; ^ and she was missin', I remember, all last Spy-
Wednesday.*

" ' That 's suspicious,' says the squire * but convic-
tion might be difficult; and I have a fresh idea,' says
Bother um.

" ' 'Faith, it won't keep fresh long, this hot weather,*
says Tom ; ^ so your honour had betther make use of it
at wanst.'

" *- Right,' says Botherum, ' we '11 make her subject
to the game laws ; we '11 hunt her,' says he.

" * Ow ! elegant ! ' says Tom ; 'we '11 have a
brave run out of her.'

" * Meet me at the cross roads,' says the Squire, ' in
the morning, and I '11 have the hounds ready.'

" Well, off Tom went home ; and he was racking his
brain what excuse he could make to the cat for not bring-
ing the shoes ; and at last he hit one off, just as he saw
her cantering up to him, half-a-mile before he got home.

" ' Where 's the shoes, Tom ? ' says she.

*' ' I have not got them to-day, ma'am,' says he.

" ' Is that the way you keep your promise, Tom ? *
says she ; ' I '11 tell you what it is, Tom I '11 tare
the eyes out o' the childre' if you don't get me shoes.*



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Handy Andy 325

" * Whisht ! whisht ! ' says Tom, frightened out of
his life for his children's eyes. ' Don't be in a passion,
pussy. The shoemaker said he had not a shoe in his
shop, nor a last that would make one to fit you ; and
he says, I must bring you into the town for him to take
your measure.'

^^^And when am I to go?' says the cat, looking
savage.

** ' To-morrow,' says Tom.

" ' It 's well you said that, Tom,' said the cat, * or the
devil an eye I 'd leave in your family this night ' and
off she hopped.

*' Tom thrimbled at the wicked look she gave.

*** Remember ! ' says she, over the hedge, with a
bitter caterwaul.

" ' Never fear,* says Tom.

*' Well, sure enough, the next mornin' there was the
cat at cock-crow, licking herself as nate as a new pin, to
go into the town, and out came Tom with a bag undher
his arm, and the cat afther him.

'''Now git into this, and I'll carry you into the
town,' says Tom, opening the bag.

" ' Sure I can walk with you,' says the cat.

" ' Oh, that would n't do,' says Tom ; ' the people in
the town is curious and slandherous people, and sure it
would rise ugly remarks if I was seen with a cat afther
me : a dog is a man's companion by nature, but cats
does not stand to rayson.'

" Well, the cat, seeing there was no use in argument,
got into the bag, and off Tom set to the cross roads
with the bag over his shoulder, and he came up, quite
innocent-like^ to the corner, where the Squire, and his
huntsman, and the hounds, and a pack o' people were
waitin'. Out came the Squire on a sudden, just as if
it was all by accident.

" ' God save you, Tom,' says he.

" ' God save you kindly, sir,' says Tom,
VOL. II. a



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326 Handy Andy

" ' What 's that bag you have at your back ? * says
the Squire.

" * Oh, nothin' at all, sir,' says Tom makin' a face
all the time, as much as to say, I have her safe.

" ' Oh, there 's something in that bag, I think,' says
the Squire ; ^ and you must let me see it/

" * If you bethray me, Tom Connor,' says the cat in
a low voice, ^ by this and that I '11 never spake to you
again ! '

" * 'Pon my honour, sir,' said Tom, with a wink and
a twitch of his thumb towards the bag, ^ I have n't any-
thing in it.'

** ' I have been missing my praties of late,* says the
Squire ; ^ and I 'd just like to examine that bag,' says he.

^^ ^ Is it doubting my charackther you 'd be, sir ? ' says
Tom, pretending to be in a passion.

" * Tom, your sowl ! ' says the voice in the sack, ' if
you let the cat out of the bag^ I '11 murther you.'

^^^An honest man would make no objection to be
sarched,' said the Squire ; ^ and I insist on it,' says he,
laying hold o' the bag, and Tom purtending to fight all
the time ; but, my jewel ! before two minutes, they
shook the cat out o' the bag, sure enough, and o(F she
went with her tail as big as a sweeping brush, and the
Squire, with a thundering view halloo after her, clapt
the dogs at her heels, and away they went for the bare
life. Never was there seen such running as that day
the cat made for a shaking bog, the loneliest place in the
whole country, and there the riders were all thrown out,
barrin' the huntsman, who had a web-footed horse on
purpose for soft places; and the priest, whose horse
could go anywhere by reason of the priest's blessing;
and, sure enough, the huntsman and his riverence stuck
to the hunt like wax ; and just as the cat got on the
border of the bog, they saw her give a twist as the fore-
most dog closed with her, for he gave her a nip in the
flank. Still she went on, however, and headed them



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Handy Andy 327

well, towards an old mud cabin in the middle of the
bog, and there they saw her jump in at the window, and
up came the dogs the next minit, and gathered round
the house with the most horrid howling ever was heard.
The huntsman alighted, and went into the house to turn
the cat out again, when what should he see but an old
hag lying in bed in the corner ?

" ' Did you see a cat come in here ? * says he.

" ' Oh, no o o o ! ' squealed the old hag, in a
trembling voice ; * there 's no cat here,' says she.

" * Yelp, yelp, yelp ! * went the dogs outside.

" ' Oh, keep the dogs out o* this,' says the old hag
'oh 00^-0!' and the huntsman saw her eyes glare
under the blanket, just like a cat's.

'^ ' Hillo ! ' says the huntsman, pulling down the
blanket and what should he see but the old hag's
flank all in a gore of blood.

" ' Ow, ow ! you old divil is it you ? you ould
cat ! ' says he, opening the door.

" In rushed the dogs up jumped the old hag, and
changing into a cat before their eyes, out she darted
through the window again, and made another run for it ;
but she could n't escape, and the dogs gobbled her while
you could say ' Jack Robinson.' But the most remark-
able part of this extraordinary story, gentlemen, is, that
the pack was ruined from that day out ; for after having
eaten the enchanted cat, the devil a thing they would ever
hunt afterwards hut mice**



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CHAPTER XXIV

MURPHY'S story was received with acclamation
by all but the little man.

** That is all a pack of nonsense/* said he.

"Well, you're welcome to it, sir," said Murphy,
" and if I had greater nonsense you should have it ; but
seriously, sir, I again must beg you to remember that
the country all around here abounds in enchantment;
scarcely a night passes without some fairy frolic ; but,
however you may doubt the wonderful fact of the cat
speaking, I wonder you are not impressed with the
points of moral in which the story abounds "

" Fiddlestick ! " said the miniature snarler.

" First, the little touch about the corn monopoly ^
then maternal vanity chastised by the loss of the child's
toe then Tom's familiarity with his cat, showing the
danger arising from a man making too free with his
female domestics the historical point about the penal
laws the fatal results of letting the cat out o' the bag,
with the curious final fact in natural history."

*' It 's all nonsense," said the little man, '* and I am
ashamed of myself for being such a fool as to sit -alisten-
ing to such stuff instead of going to bed, after the fatigue
of my journey and the necessity of rising early to-mor-
row, to be in good time at the polling."

" Oh ! then you 're going to the election, sir ? " said
Murphy.

" Yes, sir there 's some sense in that and you^

^ Handy Andy was written when the vexed question ** of the
** Corn Laws ** was the all-absorbing subject of discussion.



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Handy Andy 329

gentlemen, remember we must be all up early and I
recommend you to follow my example."

The little man rang the bell the bootjack and slip-
pers were called for, and, after some delay, a very sleepy-
looking gossoon entered with a bootjack under his arm,
but no slippers.

^^ Did n't I say slippers ? " said the little man.

'* You did, sir."

" Where are they, sir ? "

" The masther says there is n't any, if you plaze, sir."

" No slippers ! and you call this an inn ? Oh !
well, ^ what can't be cured must be endured ' hold me
the bootjack, sir."

The gossoon obeyed the little man inserted his
heel in the cleft, but, on attempting to pull his foot
from the boot, he nearly went heels over head back-
ward. Murphy caught him and put him on his legs
again. ^^ Heads up, soldiers," exclaimed Murtough ;
" I thought you were drinking too much."

^^ Sir, I 'm not intoxicated ! " said the mannikin,
snappishly. " It is the fault of that vile bootjack
what sort of a thing is that you have brought ? " added
he in a rage to the gossoon.

" It 's the bootjack, sir j only one o' the horns is gone,
you see,'* and he held up to view a rough piece of board
with an angular slit in it, but one of ^^ the horns," as he
called it, had been broken off at the top, leaving the
article useless.

^^ How dare you bring such a thing as that ? " said the
little man, in a great rage.

'* Why, sir, you ax'd for a bootjack, sure, and I
brought you the best I had and it 's not my fault it 's
bruk, so it is, for it was n't me bruk it, but Biddy batin'
the cock."

" Beating the cock ! " repeated the little man in sur-
prise. ^^ Bless me ! beat a cock with a bootjack !
what savages ! "



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330 Handy Andy

*' Oh, it 's not the hen cock I mane, sir," said the
gossoon, " but the beer cock she was batin' the cock
into the barrel, sir, wid the bootjack, sir."

"That was decidedly wrong," said Murphy; "a
bootjack is better suited to a heel-tap than a full
measure."

" She was tapping the beer, you mean ? " said the
little man.

" Faix, she was n't tapping it at all, sir, but hittin' it
very hard, she was, and that 's the way she bruk it."

** Barbarians ! " exclaimed the little man j " using a
bootjack instead of a hammer ! "

" Sure the hammer was gone to the priest, sir ; bekase
he wanted it for the crucifixion."

" The crucifixion ! " exclaimed the little man, horri-
fied ; " is it possible they crucify people ? "

" Oh no, sir ! " said the gossoon, grinning, " it *s the
picthure I main, sir an illigant picthure that is hung
up in the chapel, and he wanted a hammer to dhrive the
nails "

" Oh, a picture of the crucifixion," said the little man.

" Yes, sure, sir the alther-piece, that was althered
for to fit to the place, for it was too big when it came
down from Dublin, so they cut off the sides where the
sojers was, bekase it stopt out the windows, and would n't
lave a bit o' light for his riverence to read mass ; and
sure the sojers were no loss out o' the alther-piece, and
was hung up afther in the vesthery, and serve them
right, the blackguards. But it was sore agen our will
to cut off the ladies at the bottom, that was cryin' and
roarin'; but great good luck, the head o' the Blessed
Virgin was presarved in the corner, and sure it 's beauti-
ful to see the tears runnin' down her face, just over the
hole in the wall for the holy wather which is re^
markable."

The gossoon was much offended by the laughter that
followed his account of the altar-piece, which he had no



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Handy Andy 331

intention of making irreverential, and suddenly became
silent, with a muttered " More shame for yiz ; " and as
his bootjack was impracticable, he was sent off with
orders for the chamber-maid to supply bed candles im-
mediately.

The party soon separated for their various dormi-
tories, the little man leaving sundry charges to call
them early in the morning, and to be sure to have hot
water ready for shaving, and, without fail, to have their
boots polished in time and left at their room doors ;
to all which injunctions he severally received the answer
of " Certainly, sir ;" and as the bed-room doors were
slapped-to, one by one, the last sound of the retiring
party was the snappish voice of the indefatigable little
man, shouting, ere he shut his door, " Early early
don't forget. Mistress Kelly early ! "

A shake-down for Murphy in the parlour was hastily
prepared ; and after Mrs. Kelly was assured by Mur-
tough that he was quite comfortable, and perfectly con-
tent with his accommodation, for which she made
scores of apologies, with lamentations it was not better,
&c., &c., the whole household retired to rest, a^id in
about a quarter of an hour the inn was in perfect
silence.

Then Murtough cautiously opened his door, and
after listening for some minutes, and being satisfied he
was the only watcher under the roof, he gently opened
one of the parlour windows and gave the preconcerted
signal which he and Dick had agreed upon. Dick was
under the window immediately, and after exchanging a
few words with Murtough, the latter withdrew, and tak-
ing ofF his boots, and screening with his hand the light
of a candle he carried, he cautiously ascended the stairs,
and proceeded stealthily along the corridor of the dormi-
tory, where, from the chambers on each side, a concert
of snoring began to be executed, and at all the doors
stood the boots and shoes of the inmates awaiting the



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332 Handy Andy

aid of Day and Martin in the morning. But, oh ! in-
nocent calf-skins destined to a far different fate
not Day and Martin, but Dick the Devil and Company
are in wait for you. Murphy collected as many as he
could carry under his arms and descended with them to
the parlour window, where they were transferred to
Dick, who carried them directly to the horse-pond
which lay behind the inn, and there committed them
to the deep. After a few journeys up and down stairs,
Murtough had left the electors without a morsel of sole
or upper leather, and was satisfied that a considerable
delay, if not a prevention of their appearance at the poll
on the morrow, would be the consequence.

** There, Dick," said Murphy, " is the last of them,"
as he handed the little man's shoes out of the window,
" and now, to save appearances, you must take mine
too for I must be without boots as well as the rest in
the morning. What fun I shall have when the uproar
begins don^t you envy me, Dick ? There, be ofF
now: but hark 'e, notwithstanding you take away my
boots, you need not throw them into the horse-pond."

" 'faith, an* I will," said Dick, dragging them out of
his hands ; " *t would not be honourable, if I did n't
I 'd give two pair of boots for the fun you '11 have."

"Nonsense, Dick Dick, I say my boots ! '*

" Honour ! " cried Dick, as he vanished round the
corner.

" That devil will keep his word," muttered Murphy,
as he closed the window " I may bid good bye to that
pair of boots bad luck to him ! " And yet the meny
attorney could not help laughing at Dick making him a
sufferer by his own trick.

Dick did keep his word ; and after, with particular
delight, sinking Murphy's boots with the rest, he, as it
was preconcerted, returned to the cottage of Barny, and
with his assistance drew the upset gig from the ditch,
and with a second set of harness, provided for the occa-



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Handy Andy 333

sion, yoked the servant's horse to the vehicle and drove
home.

Murphy, meanwhile, was bent on more mischief at the
inn ; and lest the loss of the boots and shoes might not be
productive of sufficient impediment to the movements of
the enemy, he determined on venturing a step further.
The heavy sleeping of the weary and tipsy travellers en-
abled him to enter their chambers unobserved, and over
the garments they had taken ofF he poured the contents of
the water-jug and water-bottle he found in each room,
and then laying the empty bottle and a tumbler on a chair
beside each sleeper's bed, he made it appear as if the
drunken men had been dry in the night, and, in their en-
deavours to cool their thirst, had upset the water over their
own clothes. The clothes of the little man, in particular.
Murphy took especial delight in sousing more profusely
than his neighbour's, and not content with taking his
shoes, burnt his stockings, and left the ashes in the dish
of the candlestick, with just as much unconsumed as
would show what they had been. He then retired to
the parlour, and with many an internal chuckle at the
thought of the morning's hubbub, threw off his clothes
and flinging himself on the shake-down Mrs. Kelly had
provided for him, was soon wrapt in the profoundest slum-
ber, from which he never awoke until the morning uproar
of the inn aroused him. He jumped from his lair and
rushed to the scene of action, to soar in the storm of his
own raising ; and to make it more apparent that he had
been as great a sufFerer as the rest, he only threw a quilt
over his shoulders and did not draw on his stockings.
In this plight he scaled the stairs and joined the storming
party, where the little man was leading the forlorn hope,
with his candlestick in one hand and the remnant of his
burnt stocking between the finger and thumb of the
other.

^^ Look at that, sir ! " he cried, as he held it up to the
landlord.



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334 Handy Andy

The landlord could only stare.

" Bless me ! " cried Murphy, " how drunk you must
have been to mistake your stocking for an extinguisher!"

" Drunk, sir I was n't drunk ! "

" It looks very like it," said Murphy, who did not
wait for an answer, but bustled off to another party who
was wringing out his inexpressibles at the door of his
bed-room, and swearing at the gossoon that he must have
his boots.

" I never seen them, sir, " said the boy.

'* I left them at my door," said the man.

" So did I leave mine," said Murphy, " and here I am
barefooted it is most extraordinary."

" Has the house been robbed ? " said the innocent
elector.

" Not a one o* me knows, sir ! " said the boy ; " but
how could it be robbed and the doors all fast this
mornin' ? "

The landlady now appeared, and fired at the word
*' robbed!"

" Robbed, sir ! " exclaimed Mrs. Kelly ; " no, sir no
one was ever robbed in my house my house is respect-
able and responsible, sir a vartuous house none o'
your rantipole places, sir, I 'd have you to know, but
decent and well behaved, and the house was as quiet
as a lamb all night."

" Certainly, Mrs. Kelly," said Murphy "not a
more respectable house in Ireland I '11 vouch for that."

"You're a gentleman, Misther Murphy," said Mrs.
Kelly, who turned down the passage, uttering indignant
ejaculations in a sort of snorting manner, while her
words of anger were returned by Murphy with expres-
sions of soothing and condolence as he followed her
down-stairs.

The storm still continued above, and while there they
shouted and swore and complained. Murphy gave hh
notion of the catastrophe to the landlady below, inferring



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Handy Andy 335

that the men were drunk and poured the water over
their own clothes. To repeat this idea to themselves he
re-ascended, but the men were incredulous. The little
man he found buttoning on a pair of black gaiters, the
only serviceable decency he had at his command, which
only rendered his denuded state more ludicrous. To him
Murphy asserted his belief that the whole affair was
enchantment, and ventured to hope the smalt individual
would have more faith in fairy machinations for the
future; to which the little abortion only returned his
usual " Pho ! pho ! nonsense ! "

Through all this scene of uproar, as Murphy passed to
and fro, whenever he encountered the landlord, that
worthy individual threw him a knowing look ; and the
exclamation of, '* Oh, Misther Murphy by dad ! "
given in a low chuckling tone, insinuated that the land-
lord not only smoked but enjoyed the joke.

" You must lend me a pair of boots, Kelly ! " said
Murtough.

" To be sure, sir ha ! ha ! ha ! but you are the
quare man, Misther Murphy "

*' Send down the road and get my gig out of the
ditch."

" To be sure, sir. Poor devils ! purty hands they got
into," and off went the landlord, with a chuckle.

The messengers sent for the gig returned, declaring
there was no gig to be seen anywhere.

Murphy affected great surprise at the intelligence
again went among the bamboozled electors, who were
all obliged to go to bed for want of clothes ; and his bit-
ter lamentations over the loss of his gig almost recon-
ciled them to their minor troubles.

To the fears they expressed that they should not be
able to reach the town in time for polling that day.
Murphy told them to set their minds at rest, for they
would be in time on the next.

He then borrowed a saddle as well as the pair of boots



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336 Handy Andy

from the landlord, and the little black mare bore Mur-
phy triumphantly back to the town, after he had securely
impounded Scatterbrain's voters, who were anxiously and
hourly expected by their friends. Still they came not.
At last. Handy Andy, who happened to be in town with
Scatterbrain, was despatched to hurry them, and his
orders were not to come back without them.

Handy, on his arrival at the inn, found the electors in
bed, and all the fires in the house employed in drying
their clothes. The little man, wrapped in a blanket,
was superintending the cooking of his own before the
kitchen grate; there hung his garments on some cross
sticks suspended by a string, after the fashion of a roast-
ing-jack, which the small gentleman turned before a
blazing turf fire; and beside this contrivance of his
swung a goodly joint of meat, which a bouncing kitchen
wench came over to baste now and then.

Andy was answering some questions of the inquisitive
little man, when the kitchen maid, handing the basting-
ladle to Andy, begged him to do a good turn and just to
baste the beef for her, for that her heart was broke with
all she had to do, cooking dinner for so many.

Andy, always ready to oblige, consented, and plied
the ladle actively between the troublesome queries of the
little man ; but at last, getting confused with some very
crabbed questions put to him, Andy became completely
bothered, and lifting a brimming ladle of dripping, poured
it over the little man's coat instead of the beef.

A roar from the proprietor of the clothes followed,
and he implanted a kick at such advantage upon Andy,
that he upset him into the dripping-pan ; and Andy, in
his fall, endeavouring to support himself, caught at the
suspended articles above him, and the clothes, and the
beef, and Andy, all swam in gravy.



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CHAPTER XXV

WHILE disaster and hubbub were rife below, the
electors up-stairs were holding a council whether
it would not be better to send back the " Honourable's "
messenger to the town and request a supply of shoes,
which they had no other means of getting. The debate
was of an odd sort ; they were all in their several beds at
the time, and roared at each other through their doors,
which were purposely left open that they might enjoy
each other's conversation; number seven replied to num-
ber three, and claimed respect to his arguments on the
score of seniority ; the blue room was completely con-
troverted by the yellow ; and the double-bedded room
would, of course, have had superior weight in the argu-
ment, only that everything it said was lost by the two
honourable members speaking together. The French
king used to hold a council called a '' bed of justice," in
which neither justice nor a bed had anything to do, so
that this Irish conference better deserved the title than
any council the Bourbon ever assembled. The debate
having concluded, and the question being put and carried,
the usher of the black counterpane was desired to get out
of bed, and, wrapped in the robe of office whence he de-
rived his title, to go down-stairs and call the " Honour-
able's " messenger to the " bar of the house," and there
order him a pint of porter, for refreshment after his ride ;
and forthwith to send him back again to the town for a
supply of shoes.

The house was unanimous in voting the supplies.
The usher reached the kitchen and found Andy in his



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338 Handy Andy

shirt sleeves, scraping the dripping from his livery with
an old knife, whose hackled edge considerably assisted
Andy's own ingenuity in the tearing of his coat in many
places, while the little man made no effort towards the
repair of his garment, but held it up before him, and re-
garded it with a piteous look.

To the usher of the black counterpane's question,
whether Andy was the " Honourable's messenger," Andy
replied in the affirmative ; but to the desire expressed,
that he would ride back to the town, Andy returned a
decided negative.

" My ordhers is not to go back without you," said
Andy.

" But we have no shoes," said the usher ; " and can-
not go until we get some."

" My ordher is not to go back without you."

'' But if we can't go ? "

" Well, then, I can't go back, that 's all," said Andy.

The usher, the landlord, and the landlady all ham-
mered away at Andy for a long time, in vain trying to
convince him he ought to return, as he was desired \
still Andy stuck to the letter of his orders, and said he
often got into trouble for not doing exactly what he
was bid, and that he was bid ^^ not to go back without
them, and he would not so he would n't divil a
fut."

At last, however, Andy was made to understand the
propriety of riding back to the town ; and was desired to
go as fast as his horse could carry him, to gallop every
foot of the way \ but Andy did no such thing ; he had
received a good thrashing once for being caught gallop-
ing his master's horse on the road, and he had no inten-
tion of running the risk a second time, because '^ the
stranger " told him to do so. " What does he know
about it ? " said Andy to himself; " 'faith, it 's fair and
aisy I '11 go, and not disthress the horse to plaze any one."
So he went back his ten miles at a reasonable pace only ;



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Handy Andy 339



and when he appeared without the electors, a storm
burst on poor Andy.

" There ! I knew how it would be," said he, " and
not my fault at all."

'' Were n't you told not to return without them ? "

" But wait till I tell you how it was, sure ; " and
then Andy began an account of the condition in which
the voters lay at the inn ; but between the impatience
of those who heard, and the confused manner of
Andy's recital, it was some time before matters were
explained ; and then Andy was desired to ride back
to the inn again, to tell the electors shoes should be
forwarded after him in a post-chaise, and requesting
their utmost exertions in hastening over to the town,
for that the election was going against them. Andy
returned to the inn \ and this time, under orders from
head quarters, galloped in good earnest, and brought in
his horse smoking hot, and indicating lameness. The
day was wearing apace, and it was so late when the
electors were enabled to start that the polling-booths
were closed before they could leave the town ; and in
many of these booths the requisite number of electors
had not been polled that day to keep them open \ so
that the next day nearly all those outlying electors,
about whom there had been so much trouble and ex-
pense, would be of no avail. Thus, Murphy's trick
was quite successful, and the poor pickled electors
were driven back to their inn in dudgeon.

Andy, when he went to the stable to saddle his steed,
for a return to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, found him dead
lame, so that to ride him better than twelve miles home
was impossible. Andy was obliged to leave him where
he was, and trudge it to the hall ; for all the horses
in Kelly's stables were knocked up with their day's
work.

As it was shorter by four miles across the country
than by the road, Andy pursued the former course; and



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340 Handy Andy

as he knew the country well, the shades of evening,
which were now closing round, did not deter him in
the least. Andy was not very fresh for the journey
to be sure, for he had ridden upwards of thirty miles
that day, so the merry whistle, which is so constantly
heard from the lively Irish pedestrian, did not while
away the tedium of his walk. It was night when
Andy was breasting up a low ridge of hills, which lay
between him and the end of his journey; and when
in silence and darkness he topped the ascent, he threw
himself on some heather to rest and take breath. His
attention was suddenly caught by a small blue flame,
which flickered now and then on the face of the hill,
not very far from him ; and Andy's fears of fairies
and goblins came crowding upon him thick and fast.
He wished to rise, but could not; his eye continued
to be strained with the fascination of fear in the
direction he saw the fire, and sought to pierce the
gloom through which, at intervals, the small point of
flame flashed brightly and sunk again, making the
darkness seem deeper. Andy lay in perfect stillness,
and in the silence, which was unbroken even by his
own breathing, he thought he heard voices underground.
He trembled from head to foot, for he was certain they
were the voices of the fairies, whom he firmly believed
to inhabit the hills.

" Oh ! murdher, what '11 I do ? " thought Andy to
himself: "sure I heerd often, if once you were within
the sound of their voices, you could never get out o'
their power. Oh ! if I could only say a pother and
ave^ but I forget my prayers with the fright. Hail,
Mary ! The king o' the fairies lives in these hills,
I know and his house is undher me this minit, and
I on the roof of it I '11 never get down again
I'll never get down again they'll make me slater
to the fairies; and sure enough I remember me, the
hill is all covered with flat stones they call faiiy slates.



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Handy Andy 341

OH! I am ruined God be praised!" Here he
blessed himself, and laid his head close to the earth.
" Guardian angels I hear their voices singin' a
dhrinking song Oh ! if I had a dhrop o' water my-
self, for my mouth is as dhry as a lime-burner's wig
and I on the top o' their house see there 's the
little blaze again I wondher is their chimbley afire
Oh ! murther, I '11 die o' thirst Oh ! if I had only
one dhrop o' wather I wish it would rain or hail
Hail, Mary, full o' grace whisht ! what 's that ? "
Andy crouched lower than before, as he saw a figure
rise from the earthy and attain a height which Andy
computed to be something about twenty feet ; his heart
shrank to the size of a nut-shell, as he beheld the mon-
ster expand to his full dimensions ; and at the same mo-
ment, a second, equally large, emerged from the ground.

Now, as fairies are notoriously little people, Andy
changed his opinion of the parties into whose power
he had fallen, and saw clearly 'they were giants, not
fairies, of whom he was about to become the victim.
He would have ejaculated a prayer for mercy, had not
termor rendered him speechless, as the remembrance of
all the giants he had ever heard of, from the days of
Jack and the Bean-stalk down, came into his head ;
but though his sense of speaking was gone, that of
hearing was painfully acute, and he heard one of the
giants say

" That pot is not big enough."

" Oh ! it howlds as much as we want," replied the
other.

" O Lord," thought Andy j " they 've got their pot
ready for cooking."

'* What keeps him ? " said the first giant.

'' Oh ! he 's not far off," said the second.

A clammy shivering came over Andy.

^^ I 'm hungry," said the first, and he hiccupped as
he spoke.

VOL. II. 3



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342 Handy Andy

"It's only a false appetite you have," said the second,
" you 're drunk."

This was a new light to Andy, for he thought giants
were too strong to get drunk.

" I could ate a young child, without parsley and but-
ther," said the drunken giant. Andy gave a faint spas-
modic kick.

" And it 's as hot as down there," said the giant.

Andy trembled at the horrid word he heard.

" No wonder," said the second giant ; " for 1 can
see the flame popping out at the top of the chimbley ;
that 's bad : I hope no one will see it, or it might
give them warning. Bad luck to that young divil for
making the fire so sthrong."

What a dreadful hearing this was for Andy : young
devils to make their fires ; there was no doubt what
place they were dwelling in. "Thunder and turf!"
said the drunken giant \ ** I wish I had a slice of "

Andy did not hear what he wished a slice of, for
the night wind swept across the heath at the moment,
and carried away the monster's disgusting words on
its pure breath.

" Well, I 'd rather have " said the other giant ;

and again Andy lost what his atrocious desires were
"than all the other slices in the world. What a
lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round
ankle of her "

The word "ankle" showed at once it was a woman
of whom he spoke, and Andy shuddered. " The mon-
sters! to eat a woman."

" What a fool you are to be in love," said the
drunken giant with several hiccups, showing the in-
crease of his inebriation.

'*Is that what the brutes call love," thought Andy,
"to ate a woman ? "

" I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my
flesh," said the second giant.



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Handy Andy 343

Of this speech Andy heard only "bone" and "flesh,"
and had great difficulty in maintaining the serenity of
his diaphragm.

The conversation of the giants was now more fre-
quently interrupted by the wind which was rising, and
only broken sentences reached Andy, whose senses
became clearer the longer he remained in a state of
safety; at last he heard the name of Squire Egan
distinctly pass between the giants.

" So they know Squire Egan," thought Andy.

The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the men-
tion of Squire Egan's name, and exclaimed

" Don't be afraid of him (hiccup) ; I have him
undher my thumb {hiccup). I can crush him when I
plase."

" O ! my poor owld masther ! " mentally ejaculated
Andy.

Another break in their conversation occurred, and
the next name Andy overheard was " O'Grady."

" The big bully ! " said the second giant.

" They know the whole country," thought Andy.

" But tell me, what was that you said to him at the
election ? " said the drunken one.

The word "election" recalled Andy to the business
of this earth back again ; and it struck upon his hitherto
bewildered sensorium that giants could have nothing
to do with elections, and he knew he never saw them
there ; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the
giants diminished in size, and did not appear quite so big.

" Sure you know," said the second.

" Well, I *d like to hear it again," said the drunken
one (hiccup),

" The big bully says to me, * Have you a lease ? '
says he ; ' No,' says I ; ' but I have an article ! ' ' What
article ? ' says he j ' It 's a fine brass blunderbuss,' says
I, * and Pd like to see the man would dispute the title! ' "

The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke



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344 Handy Andy

the spell of supernatural terror which had hung over
Andy *, he knew, by the words of the speaker, it was
the bully joker of the election was present, who brow-
beat O 'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath
of allegiance ; and the-voice of the other he soon recog-
nised for that of Larry Hogan. So now his giants
were diminished into mortal men the pot, which had
been mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the
making of whisky instead of human broth and the
^^ hell " he thought his giants inhabited was but a private
still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been lifted from
his heart when he found it was but mortals he had to
deal with ; for Andy was not deficient in courage when
it was but thews and sinews like his own he had to
encounter. He still lay concealed, however, for smug-
glers might not wish their private haunt to be discovered,
and it was possible Andy would be voted one too many
in the company should he announce himself; and with
such odds as two to one against him he thought he had
better be quiet. Besides, his curiosity became excited
when he found them speaking of his old master, Egan,
and his present one, O' Grady ; and as a woman had
been alluded to, and odd words caught up here and
there, he became anxious to hear more of their con-
versation.

" So you *re in love," said Larry, with a hiccup, to
our friend of the blunderbuss ; ^^ ha ! ha ! ha ! you big
fool."

" Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl
yourself ? "

" I did, when I was young and foolish."

" 'Faith, then, you 're young and foolish at that rate
yet, for you 're a rogue with the girls, Lany," said the
other, giving him a slap on the back.

" Not I ! not I ! " said Larry, in a manner expressive
of his not being displeased with the charge of gallantry ;
*' he ! he ! he ! how do you know, eh ? " (Hiccup.)



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Handy Andy 345

" Sure^ I know myself; but as I wos telling you^ if I

could only lay howld of " here his voice became

inaudible to Andy, and the rest of the sentence was
lost.

Andy's curiosity was great. " Who could the girl
be?"

" And you 'd carry her off ? " said Larry.

" I would," said the other ; 'f I 'm only afraid o*
Squire Egan."

At this announcement of the intention of " carrying
her off," coupled with the fear of *' Squire Egan,"
Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the person became
so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to
the speakers.

" I tell you again," said Larry, '* I can settle htm aisy
(hiccup) he 's undher my thumb {hiccupy*

" Be aisy," said the other, contemptuously, who
thought this was a mere drunken delusion of Larry's.

" I tell you I 'm his masther ! " said Larry, with a
drunken flourish of his arm ; and he continued bragging
of his power over the Squire in various ejaculations, the
exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss
could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him
that the discovery of the post-office affair was what
Larry alluded to.

That Larry, a close, cunning, circumventing rascal,
should so far betray the source of his power over Egan
may seem strange; but be it remembered Larry was
drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally
guarded him from falling into, but which being in, his
foible was bragging of his influence, and so running the
risk of losing it.

The men continued to talk together for some time,
and the tenour of the conversation was, that Larry as-
sured his companion he might carry off the girl without
fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover.
His own name he heard more than once, and voluptu*



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346 Handy Andy

ous raptures poured forth about lovely lips and hips and
ankles from the herculean knight of the blunderbuss,
amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry,
who continued to brag of his power, and profess his
readiness to stand by his friend in carrying oiF the girl.

" Then," said the Hercules, with an oath, " I '11 soon
have you in my arms, my lovely "

The name was lost again.

Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach
of a man and woman, the former being the person for
whose appearance Larry made so many inquiries when
he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant ; the
other was the sister of the knight of the blunderbuss.
Larry having hiccupped his anger against the man for
making them wait so long for the bacon, the woman
said he should not wait longer without his supper now,
for that she would go down and fry the rashers immedi-
ately. She then disappeared through the ground, and
the men all followed.

Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with
caution raised himself gradually from the ground with a
careful circumspection, lest any of the subterranean
community might be watchers on the hill; and when he
was satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away
from the spot with stealthy steps for about twenty paces,
and there, as well as the darkness would permit, after tak-
ing such landmarks as would help him to retrace his way
to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at the top
of his speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had
placed nearly a mile between him and the scene of his
adventure ; he then paced slowly to regain his breath.
His head was in a strange whirl ;* mischief was threat-
ened against some one of whose name he was ignorant ;
Squire Egan was declared to be in the power of an old
rascal ; this grieved Andy most of all, for he felt he was
the cause of his old master's dilemma.

^^Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble,'*



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Handy Andy 347

said Andy, ^ the kind and good masther he was to me
ever, and I live to tell it like a blackguard throth I M
rather be hanged any day than the masther would come
to throuble maybe if I gave myself up and was
hanged like a man at once, that would settle it ; 'faith,
if I thought it would, I 'd do it sooner than Squire Egan
should come to throuble ! " and poor Andy spoke just
what he felt. " Or would it do to kill that blackguard
Hogan ? sure they could do no more than hang me afthery ^
and that would save the masther, and be all one to me,
for they often towld me I 'd be hanged. But then
there's my sowl," said Andy, and he paused at the
thought ; " if they hanged me for the letthers, it would
be only for a mistake, and sure then I 'd have a chance
o' glory ; for sure I might go to glory through a mistake ;
but if I killed a man on purpose, sure it would be slap-
pin' the gates of Heaven in my own face. Faix, I '11
spake to Father Blake about it." *

1 How often has the sanguinary penal *code of past years sug-
gested this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to awe \
Happily, now our laws are milder, and more protective from their
mildness.

2 In the foregoing passage, Andy stumbles on uttering a quaint
pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll the notion of a
man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too
seldom lead us there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain
place is said to be paved with * good " ones, and surely "bad '*
ones would not lead us upwards. Then the phrase of a man
" slapping the gates of Heaven in his own face,** is one of those
wild poetic figures of speech in which the Irish peasantry often
indulge. The phrase " slapping the door ** is every-day and
common ; but when applied to **thc gates of Heaven,*' and ** in
a man*s own face,** the common phrase becomes fine. But how
often the commonest things become poetry by the fitness of their
application, though poetasters and people of small minds think
greatness of thought lies in big words.



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CHAPTER XXVI

THE following day was that eventful one which
should witness the return of either Edward Egan,
Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as mem-
ber for the county. There was no doubt in any reason-
able man's mind as to the real majority of Egan, but the
numbers were sufficiently close to give the sheriff an op-
portunity of doing a bit of business to oblige his friends,
and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville Scat-
terbrain duly elected. Great was the uproar ; the people
hissed, and hooted, and groaned, for which the Honour-
able Sackville very good-naturedly returned them his
thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in the sheriff's face,
and told them his honourable friend should not long re^
main member, for that he must be unseated on petition,
and that he would prove the return most corrupt, with
which words he again snapped his fingers in the sheriff's
face.

The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such con-
duct was repeated.

Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his hon-
ourabUy upright^ and impartial conduct, whereupon all
Egan's friends took off their hats also, and made pro-
found bows to the functionary, and then laughed most
uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the
opposite party, who begged to remind the Eganites of
the old saying, " that they might laugh who win." A
cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two par-
ties as they were crushing forward out of the court-
house; and at the door, before entering his carriage.



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Handy Andy 349

Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, and trusted
that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they
nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest
respect for the squire, offered his hand in amity.

Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his
hand cordially ; declaring he attributed to him none of
the blame which attached to other persons. ^^ Besides,
my dear sir," said Egan, laughing, ^^ I should be a very
ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence
as being member of parliament/^ a month or so.^*

Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and
replied that, " at all events, he had the seat."

" Yes, my dear sir," said Egan, " and make the most
of it while you have it. In short, I shall owe you an
obligation when I go over to St, Stephen's, for you will
have just aired my seat for me good bye."

They parted with smiles, and drove to their respective
homes ; but as even doubtful possession is preferable to
expectation for the time being, it is certain that Neck-or-
Nothing Hall rang with more merriment that night on
the reality of the present, than Merry vale did on the hope
of the future.

Even O'Grady, as he lay with his wounded arm on
the sofa, found more healing in the triumph of the hour
than from all the medicaments of the foregoing week,
and insisted on going down-stairs and joining the party at
supper.

"Gusty, dear," said his wife, "you know the doctor
said"

" Hang the doctor ! "

" Your arm, my love."

** I wish you M leave off pitying my arm, and have
some compassion on my stomach."

'* The doctor said **

" There are oysters in the house ; I *11 do myself more
good by the use of an oyster-knife than all the lancets in
the College of Surgeons."



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350 Handy Andy

" But your wound, dear ? "

" Are they Carlingfords or Poldoodies ? **

" So fresh, love/'

" So much the better."

'' Your wound I mean, dear ? "

*' Nicely opened."

*' Only dressed an hour ago ? "

" With some mustard, pepper, and vinegar."

" Indeed, Gusty, If you take my advice "

" I 'd rather have oysters any day."

O'Grady sat up on the sofa as he spoke and requested
his wife to say no more about the matter, but put on his
cravat. While she was getting it from his wardrobe,
his mind wandered from supper to the pension, which
he looked upon as secure now that Scatterbrain was re-
turned ; and oyster-banks gave place to the Bank of Ire-
land, which rose in a pleasing image before O'Grady's
imagination. The wife now returned with the cravat,
still dreading the result of eating to her husband, and her
mind occupied wholly with the thought of supper, while
O'Grady was wrapt in visions of a pension.

" You won't take it. Gusty, dear," said his wife with
all the insinuation of manner she could command.

' Won't I, 'faith ? " said O'Grady. " Maybe you
think I don't want it?"

** Indeed, I don't, dear."

" Are you mad, woman ? Is it taking leave of the
few senses you ever had you are ? "

" 'T won't agree with you."

" Won't it ? just wait till I 'm tried."

"Well, love, how much do you expect to be
allowed?"

"Why I can't expect much just yet we must be-
gin gently feel the pulse first ; but I should hope, by
way of start, that six or seven hundred "

" Gracious Heaven ! " exclaimed his wife, dropping
the cravat from her hands.



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Handy Andy 351

* What the devil is the woman shouting at ? " said
O'Grady.

*' Six or seven hundred ! ! ! " exclaimed Mrs. O'Grady ;
" my dear, there 's not as much in the house."

" No, nor has not been for many a long day ; I know
that as well as you," said O'Grady ; ** but I hope we
shall get as much for all that."

" My dear, where could you get them ? " asked the
wife, timidly, who b^an to think his head was a little
light.

" From the treasury, to be sure.'*

" The treasury, my dear ? " said the wife, still at fault }
'' how could you get oysters from the treasury ? "

" Oysters ! " exclaimed O'Grady, whose turn it was
now to wonder, " who talks of oysters ? "

" My dear, I thought you said you 'd eat six or seven
hundred of oysters ! "

" Pooh ! pooh ! woman ; it is of the pension I 'm
talking six or seven hundred pounds pounds cash
per annum \ now I suppose you '11 put on my cravat.
I think a man may be allowed to eat his supper who
expects six hundred a year."

A great many people besides O'Grady order suppers,
and dinners too, on the expectation of less than six hun-
dred a year. Perhaps there is no more active agent for
sending people into the Insolvent Court than the afore-
said '* expectation.^^

O'Grady went down-stairs, and was heartily wel-
comed by Scatterbrain on his re-appearance from his
sick-room ; but Mrs. O'Grady suggested that, for fear
any excess would send him back there for a longer time,
a very moderate indulgence at the table should suffice.
She begged the honourable member to back her argu-
ment, which he did ; and O'Grady promised temperance,
but begged the immediate appearance of the oysters, for
he experienced that eager desire which delicate health so
often prompts for some particular food.



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352 Handy Andy

Andy was laying the table at the time, and was
ordered to expedite matters as much as possible.

" Yis, ma'am."

'* You 're sure the oysters are all good, Andy ? "

** Sartin, ma'am."

" Because the last oysters you know "

*'Oh, yis, ma'am were bad, ma'am bekase they
had their mouths all open. I remember, ma^am ; but
when I'm towld a thing once, I never forget it again;
and you towld me when they opened their mouths once
they were no good. So you see, ma'am, I 'II never
bring up bad oysthers again, ma'am."

"Very good, Andy; and you have kept them in
a cool place, I hope."

" Faix, they *re cowld enough where I put them,
ma'am."

" Very well ; bring them up at once."

OflF went Andy, and returned with all the haste he
could with a large dish heaped up with oysters.

O'Grady rubbed his hands with the impatience of
a true lover of the crustaceous delicacy, and Scatterbrain,
eager to help him, flourished his oyster-knife ; but
before he had time to commence operations the olfac-
tory nerves of the company gave evidence that the
oysters were rather suspicious; every one began sniflS-
ing, and a universal " Oh dear ! " ran round the table.

" Don't you smell it. Furlong ? " said Scatterbrain,
who was so lost in looking at Augusta's mustachios
that he did not mind anything else. /

" Is n't it horrid ? " said O'Grady, with a look of
disgust.

Furlong thought he alluded to the mustachio, and
replied with an assurance that he "liked it of all
things."

" Like it ? " said O'Grady ; " you *ve a queer Uste.
What do you think of it, miss ? " added he to Augusta,
" it 's just under your nose."



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Handy Andy 353

Furlong thought this rather personal, even from
a father.

" I '11 try my knife on one," said Scatterbrain, with
a flourish of the oyster-knife, which Furlong thought
resembled the preliminary trial of a barber's razor.

Furlong thought this worse than O'Grady; but he
hesitated to reply to his chief, and an honourable into
the bargain.

In the meantime, Scatterbrain opened an oyster,
which Furlong, in his embarrassment and annoyance,
did not perceive.

"Cut oflr the beard," said O'Grady, I don't like it."

This nearly made Furlong speak, but, considering
O'Grady's temper and ill-health, he hesitated, till he
saw Augusta rubbing her eye, in consequence of a
small splinter of the oyster-shell having struck it from
Scatterbrain's mismanagement of his knife ; but Furlong
thought she was crying, and then he could be silent
no longer; he went over to where she sat, and with
a very affectionate demonstration in his action, said,
" Never mind them, dear Gussy never mind
don't cwy I love her dear little moustachios, I do."
He gave a gentle pat on the back of the neck as he
spoke, and it was returned by an uncommonly smart
box on the ear from the young lady, and the whole
party looked thunderstruck. " Dear Gussy " cried for
spite, and stamped her way out of the room, followed
by Furlong.

" Let them go," said O'Grady ; " they '11 make it up
outside."

'* These oysters are all bad," said Scatterbrain.

O'Grady began to swear at his disappointment he
had set his heart on oysters. Mrs. O'Grady rang the
bell Andy appeared.

'' How dare you bring up such oysters as these ? "
roared O'Grady.

" The misthris ordhered them, sir.'*



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354 Handy Andy

"I told you never to bring up bad oysters," said
she.

" Them 's not bad, ma'am," said Andy.

" Have you a nose? " says O'Grady.

" Yes, sir."

" And can't you smell them, then ? "

" Faix, I smelt them for the last three days, sir."

" And how could you say they were good, then ? **
asked his mistress.

" Sure you tould me, ma'am, that if they did n't open
their mouths they were good, and I '11 be on my book
oath them oysters never opened their mouths since
I had them, for I laid them on a coolflag in the kitchen
and put the jack-we^ht over them."

Notwithstanding O'Grady's rage, Scatterbrain could
not help roaring with laughter at Andy's novel contriv-
ance for keeping oysters fresh. Andy was desired to
take the " ancient and fish-like smell " out of the room,
amidst jeers and abuse ; and, as he fumbled his way to
the kitchen in the dark, lamenting the hard fate of
servants, who can never give satisfaction, though they
do everything they are bid, he went head over heels
down-stairs, which event was reported to the whole
house as soon as it happened, by the enormous clatter
of the broken dish, the oysters, and Andy, as they all
rolled one over the other to the bottom.

O'Grady, having missed the cool supper he intended,
and had longed for, was put into a rage by the disap-
pointment; and as hunger with O'Grady was only
to be appeased by broiled bones, accordingly, against
all the endeavours of everybody, the bells rang violently
through the house, and the ogre-like cry of '* broiled
bones ! " resounded high and low.

The reader is sufficiently well acquainted with
O'Grady by this time to know, that of course, when
once he had determined to have his broiled bone, noth-
ing on the face of the earth could prevent it but the



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*



Handy Andy 355

want of anything to broil, or the immediate want of his
teeth ; and as his masticators were in order, and some-
thing in the house which could carry mustard and
pepper, the invalid primed and loaded himself with as
much combustible matter as exploded in a fever the next
day.

The supper-party, however, in the hope of getting
him to bed, separated soon ; and as Scatterbrain and
Furlong were to start early in the morning for Dublin,
the necessity of their retiring to rest was pleaded. The
honourable member had not been long in his room when
he heard a tap at his door, and his order to " come in "
was followed by the appearance of Handy Andy.

^ I found somethin' on the road nigh the town to-day,
sir, and I thought it might be yours, maybe," said Andy,
producing a small pocket-book.

The honourable member disavowed the ownership.

"Well, there's something else I want to speak to
your honour about."

" What is it. Handy ? "

" I want your honour to see the account of the money
your honour gave me that I spint at the shebeen ^ upon
the 'lecthors that could n't be accommodated at Mrs.
Fay's."

** Oh ! never mind it, Andy ; if there *s anything over,
keep it yourself."

*' Thank your honour, but I must make the account
all the same, if you plaze, for I *m going to Father
Blake, to my duty,^ soon, and I must have my con-
science as clear as I can, and I wouldn't like to be
keeping money back."

'* But if I give you the money, what matter ? "

" I *d rather you 'd just look over this little bit of a
count, if you plaze," said Andy, producing a dirty piece
of paper, with some nearly inscrutable hieroglyphics
upon it.

1 Low publick house. Confession.



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356 Handy Andy

Scatterbrain commenced an examination of this literary
phenomenon from sheer curiosity, asking Andy at the
same time if be wrote it.

** Yis, sir/* said Andy ; " but you see the man could n't
keep the count of the piper's dhrink at all, it was so
confusin', and so I was obliged to pay him for that
every time the piper dhrunk, and keep it separate, and
the 'lecthors that got their dinner afther the bill was
made out I put down myself too, and that 's it you see,
sir, both ating and dhrinkin'."

To Dhrinkin A blinD piper everry day

wan and in Pens six dab 0166

To atein four Tin Illikthurs And Thare ) i 8 8

horses on Chewsdai j o 14 o

Toe til 2194

Lan lord Bil For All Be four 7178^

10 18 12^



" Then I owe you money, instead of your having a
balance in hand, Andy," said the member.

"Oh, no matter, your honour; it's not for that I
showed you the account."

" It 's very like it, though," said Scatterbrain, laugh-
ing; " here, Andy, here are a couple of pounds for you,
take them, Andy take it and be off; your bill is worth
the money," and Scatterbrain closed the door on the
great accountant.

Andy next went to Furlong's room, to know if the
pocket-book belonged to him ; it did not, but Furlong,
though he disclaimed the ownership, had that small
curiosity which prompts little minds to pry into what
does not belong to them, and taking the pocket-book
into his hands, he opened it, and fumbled over its leaves ;
in the doing of which a small piece of folded paper fell
from one of the pockets unnoticed by the impertinent
inquisitor or Andy, to whom he returned the book when
he had gratified his senseless curiosity.



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Handy Andy 357

Andy withdrew, Furlong retired to rest; and as it
was in the grey of an autumnal morning he dressed him-
self, the paper still remained unobserved: so that the
housemaid, on setting the room to rights, found it, and
fancying Miss Augusta was the proper person to confide
Mr. Furlong's stray papers to, she handed that young
lady the manuscript which bore the following copy of
verses:



I CAN NE'ER FORGET THEE



It is the chime, the hour draws near

When you and I must sever \
Alasy it must be many a year^

And it may be for ever !
How long till we shall meet again !

How short since first I met thee!
How brief the bliss how long the pain-

For I can ne'er forget thee.



You said my heart was cold and stem |

You doubted love when strongest :
In future days you '11 live to learn

Proud hearts can love the longest.
Oh ! sometimes think, when pressed to hear.

When flippant tongues beset thee.
That all must love thee, when thou 'rt near.

But tme will ne'er forget thee I

ui

The changeful sand doth only know

The shallow tide and latest \
The rocks have mark'd its highest flow.

The deepest and the greatest ;
And deeper still the flood -marks grow t-*

So, since the hour I met thee.
The more the tide of time doth flow.

The less can I forget thee 1
TOL. n. 4



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358 Handy Andy

When Augusta saw the lines, she was charmed. She
discovered her Furlong to be a poet! That the lines
were his there was no doubt they were found in his
room^ and of course they must be his, just as partial critics
say certain Irish airs must be English, because they are
to be found in Queen Elizabeth's music-book.

Augusta was so charmed with the lines that she
amused herself for a long time in hiding them under the
sofa-cushion and making her pet dog find and fetch
them. Her pleasure, however, was interrupted by her
sister Charlotte remarking, when the lines were shown
to her in triumph, that the writing was not Furlong's,
but in a lady's hand.

Even as beer is suddenly soured by thunder, so the
electric influence of Charlotte's words converted all
Augusta had been brewing to acidity; jealousy stung
her like a wasp, and she boxed her dog's ears as he was
barking for another run with the verses.

^^ A lady^s hand ? " said Augusta, snatching the paper
from her sister; "1 declare if it ain't! the wretch so
he receives lines from ladies."

^^ I think I know the hand, too," said Charlotte.

" You do ? " exclain^cd Augusta, with flashing eyes.

" Yes, I 'm certain it is Fanny Dawson's writing."

^ So it is," said Augusta, looking at the paper as if
her eyes could have burnt it; **to be sure he was
there before he came here."

" Only for two days," said Charlotte, trying to slake
the flame she had raised.

^^ But I 've heard that girl always makes conquests at
first sight," returned Augusta, half crying; "and what
do I see here ? some words in pencil."

The words were so faint as to be scarcely perceptible,
but Augusta deciphered them; they were written on
the margin, beside a circumflex which embraced the
last four lines of the second verse, so that it stood
thus:



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Handy Andy 359



Oh! sometimes think, when press' d to hear, "

When flippant tongues beset thee, I Dtaresty I

That all must love thee when thou *rt near, ( oui//.
But ont will ne*er forget thee !



'\



" Will you, indeed ? " said Augusta, crushing the
paper in her hand, and biting it; ^^ but I must not
destroy it I must keep it to prove his treacheiy to
his face." She threw herself on the sofa as she spoke,
and gave vent to an outpour of spiteful tears.



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CHAPTER XXVII

HOW many chapters have been written about love
verses and how many more might be written!
might, would, could, should, or ought to be written !
I will venture to say, will be written ! I have a mind
to fulfil my own prophecy and write one myself; but
no my story must go on. However, I will say ^ that
it is quite curious in how many ways the same little bit
of paper may influence different people : the poem whose
literary merit may be small becomes precious when some
valued hand has transcribed the lines; and the verses
whose measure and meaning viewed in type might win
favour and yield pleasure, shoot poison from their very
sweetness, when read in some particular hand and under
particular circumstances. It was so with the copy of
verses Augusta had just read they were Fanny Daw-
son's manuscript that was certain and found in
the room of Augusta's lover; therefore Augusta was
wretched. But these same lines had given exquisite
pleasure to another person, who was now nearly as
miserable as Augusta in having lost them. It is pos-
sible the reader guesses that person to be Edward
O'Connor, for it was he who had lost the pocket-book
in which those (to him) precious lines were contained ;
and if the little case had held all the bank-notes he ever
owned in his life, their loss would have been regarded less
than that bit of manuscript, which had often yielded him
the most exquisite pleasure, and was now inflicting on
Augusta the bitterest anguish.

To make this intelligible to the reader, it is necessary



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Handy Andy 361

to explain under what circumstances the lines were
written. At one time, Edward, doubting the likelihood
of making his way at home, was about to go to India
and push his fortunes there; and at that period, those
lines, breathing of farewell implying the dread of rivals
during absence and imploring remembrance of his
eternal love, were written and given to Fanny; and
she, with that delicacy of contrivance so peculiarly a
woman's, hit upon the expedient of copying his own
verses and sending them to hini in her writing, as an
indication that the spirit of the lines was her own.

But Edward saw that his father, who was advanced
in years, looked upon a separation from his son as an
eternal one, and the thought gave so much pain, that
Edward gave up the idea of expatriation. Shortly after,
however, the misunderstanding with Major Dawson took
place, and Fanny and Edward were as much severed as
if dwelling in different zones. Under such circum-
stances, those lines were peculiarly precious, and many
a kiss had Edward impressed upon them, though Augusta
thought them fitter for the exercise of her teeth than
her lips. In fact, Edward did little else than think of
Fanny ; and it is possible his passion might have degen-
erated into mere love- sickness, and enfeebled him, had
not his desire of proving himself worthy of his mistress
spurred him to exertion, in the hope of future distinc-
tion. But still the tone of tender lament pervaded all
his poems, and the same pocket-book whence the verses
which caused so much commotion fell contained the fol-
lowing also, showing how entirely Fanny possessed his
heart and occupied his thoughts :

WHEN THE SUN SINKS TO REST

I

When the sun sinks to rest.
And the star of the west

Sheds its soft silver light o*er the sea ;
What sweet thoughts arise.



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362 Handy Andy

As the dim twilight dies

For then I am thinking of thee !

Oh ! then crowding fast

Come the joys of the past.

Through the dimness of days long gone by.

Like the stars peeping out.

Through the darkness about,

From the soft silent depth of the sky.



And thus, as the nigh^:
Grows more lovely and bright

With the clustering of planet and star.
So this darkness of mine
Wins a radiance divine

From the light that still lingers afar.
Then welcome the night.
With its soft holy light !

In its silence my heart is more free
The rude world to forget.
Where no pleasure I ^ve met

Since the hour that I parted from thee.

But we must leave love verses, and ask pardon for the
few remarks which the subject tempted, and pursue our
story.

The first prompting of Augusta's anger, when she
had recovered her burst of passion, was to write '* such a
Utter " to Furlong and she spent half a day at the
work; but she could not please herself she tore
twenty at least, and determined, at last, not to write at
all, but just wait till he returned and overwhelm him
with reproaches. But, though she could not compose
a letter, she composed herself by the endeavour, which
acted as a sort of safety-valve to let off the superabun-
dant steam; and it is wonderful how general is this
result of sitting down to write angry letters : people vent
themselves of their spleen on the uncomplaining paper,
which silently receives words a listener would not.
With a pen for our second, desperate satisfaction is
obtained with only an efRision of ink, and when once



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Handy Andy 363

the pent-up bitterness has oozed out in all the blackness
of that fluid most appropriately made of the best galls
the time so spent, and the *' letting of words," if I
may use the phrase, has cooled our judgment and our
passions together ; and the first letter is torn : 't is too
severe ; we write a second ; we blot and interline till it
is nearly illegible ; we begin a third ; till at last we are
tired out with our own angry feelings, and throw our
scribbling by with a " Pshaw ! what 's the use of it ? "
or, " It 's not worth my notice ; " or, still better, arrive
at the conclusion, that we preserve our own dignity best
by writing without temper, though we may be called
upon to be severe.

Furlong at this time was on his road to Dublin in
happy unconsciousness of Augusta's rage against him,
and planning what pretty little* present he should send
her specially, for his head was naturally running on such
matters, as he had quantities of commissions to execute
in the millinery line for Mrs. O'Grady, who thought it
high time to be getting up Augusta's wedding-dresses,
and Andy was to be despatched the following day to
Dublin to take charge of a cargo of bandboxes back
from that city to Neck-or-Nothing Hall. Furlong had
received a thousand charges from the ladies, ^^ to be sure
to lose no time " in doing his devoir in- their behalf, and
he obeyed so strictly, and was so active in laying mil-
liners and mercers under contributions, that Andy was
enabled to start the day after his arrival, sorely against
Andy's will, for he would gladly have remained amidst
the beauty and grandeur and wonders of Dublin, which
struck him dumb for the day he was amongst them, but
gave him food for conversation for many a day after.
Furlong, after racking his invention about the souvenir
to his " dear Gussy," at length fixed on a fan, as the
most suitable ^ft ; for Gussy had been quizzed at home
about ^^ blushing," and all that sort of thing, and the
puerile perceptions of the attache saw something veiy



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364 Handy Andy

smart in sending her wherewith '*to hide her blushes."
Then the fan was the very pink of fans ; it had quivers
and arrows upon it, and bunches of hearts looped up in
azure festoons, and doves perched upon them ; though
Augusta's little sister, who was too young to know what
hearts and doves were, when she saw them for the first
time, said they were pretty little birds picking at apples.
The fan was packed up in a nice case, and then on
scented note paper did the dear dandy indite a bit of
namby-pamby badinage to his fair one, which he thought
excessively clever :

"Dear Ducky Darling, You know how naughty
they are in quizzing you about a little something, / worCt
say whaty you will guess, I dare say but I send you
a little toy, / wonU sa^ what^ on which Cupid might
write this label after the doctor's fashion, * To be used
occasionally, when the patient is much troubled with the
symptoms.'

" Ever, ever, ever yours,

" P.S. Take care how you open it." " J.F."

Such was the note that Handy Andy was given, with
particular injunctions to deliver it the first thing on his
arrival at the Hall to Miss Augusta, and to be sure to
take most particular care of the little case; all which
Andy faithfully promised to do. But Andy's usual des-
tiny prevailed, and an unfortunate exchange of parcels
quite upset all Furlong's sweet little plan of his pretty
present and his ingenious note: for as Andy was just
taking his departure. Furlong said he might as well leave
something for him at Reade's, the cutler, as he passed
through College Green, and he handed him a case of
razors which wanted setting, which Andy popped into
his pocket, and as the fan case and that of the razors
were much of a size, and both folded up, Andy left the
fan at the cutler's and took the case of razors by way of
present to Augusta. Fancy the rage of a young lady



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Handy Andy 365

with a very fine pair of moustachios getting such a sou-
venir from her lover, with a note, too, every word of
which applied to a beard and a razor, as patly as to a
blush and a fan and this, too, when her jealousy was
aroused and his fidelity more than doubtful in her
estimation.

Great was the row in Neck-or-Nothing Hall; and
when, after three days, Furlong came down, the nature
of his reception may be better imagined than described.
It was a difficult matter, through the storm which raged
around him, to explain all the circumstances satis-
factorily, but, by dint of hard work, the verses were
at length disclaimed, the razors disavowed, and Andy at
last sent for to ^^ clear matters up."

* Andy was a hopeful subject for such a purpose, and
by his blundering answers nearly set them all by the ears
again ; the upshot of the afEur was, that Andy, used as
he was to good scoldings, never had such a torrent of
abuse poured on him in his life, and the affair ended in
Andy being dismissed from Neck-or-Nothing Hall on the
instant ; so he relinquished his greasy livery for his own
rags again, and trudged homewards to his mother's cabin.

*' She '11 be as mad as a hatter with me," said Andy j
" bad luck to them for razhirs, they cut me out o' my
place: but I often heard cowld steel is unlucky, and
sure I know it now. Oh ! but I 'm always unfort'nate
in having cruked messages. Well, it can't be helped;
and one good thing at all events is, I'll have time
enough now to go and spake to Father Blake;" and with
this sorry piece of satisfaction poor Andy contented him-
self.



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CHAPTER XXVIII

THE Father Blake, of whom Andy spoke, was
more familiarly known by the name of Father
Phil, by which title Andy himself would have named
him, had he been telling how Father Phil cleared a fair,
or equally ** leathered " both the belligerent parties in a
faction-fight, or turned out the contents (or malcontents)
of a public-house at an improper hour; but when he
spoke of his Reverence respecting ghostly matters, the
importance of the subject begot higher consideration
for the man, and the familiar " Father Phil " was dropped
for the more respectful title of Father Blake. By either
title, or in whatever capacity, the worthy Father had
great influence over his parish, and there was a free-and-
easy way with him, even in doing the most solemn
duties, which agreed wonderfully with the devil-may-care
spirit of Paddy. StiflF and starched formality in any
way is repugnant to the very nature of Irishmen ; and I
believe one of the surest ways of converting all Ireland
from the Romish faith would be found, if we could only
manage to have her mass celebrated with the dry cold-
ness of the Reformation. This may seem ridiculous at
first sight, and I grant it is a grotesque way of viewing
the subject, but yet there may be truth in it ; and to
consider it for a moment seriously, look at the fact, that
the north of Ireland is the stronghold of Protestantism,
and that the north is the least Irish portion of the island.
There is a strong admixture of Scotch there, and all who
know the country will admit that there is nearly as much
difference between men from the north and south of Ire-



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Handy Andy 367

land as from different countries. The Northerns retain
much of the cold formality and unbending hardness of
the stranger-settlers from whom they are descended,
while the Southerns exhibit that warm-hearted, lively,
and poetical temperament for which the country is
celebrated. The prevailing national characteristics of
Ireland are not to be found in the north, where Protes-
tantism flourishes ; they are to be found in the south and
west, where it has never taken root. And though it has
never seemed to strike theologians, that in their very
natures some people are more adapted to receive one
faith than another, yet I believe it to be true, and per-
haps not quite unworthy of consideration. There are
forms, it is true, and many in the Romish church, but
they are not cold forms, but attractive rather, to a sensi-
tive people; besides, I believe those very forms, when
observed the least formally, are the most influential on
the Irish \ and perhaps the splendours of a High Mass
in the gorgeous temple of the Holy City would appeal
less to the affections of an Irish peasant than the service
he witnesses in some half-thatched ruin by a lone hill-
side, familiarly hurried through by a priest who has
sharpened his appetite by a mountain ride of some fifteen
miles, and is saying mass (for the third time most likely)
before breakfast, which consummation of his morning's
exercise he is anxious to arrive at.

It was just in such a chapel, and under such circum-
stances, that Father Blake was celebrating the mass at
which Andy was present, and after which he hoped to
obtain a word of advice from the worthy Father, who
was much more sought after on such occasions than his
more sedate superior who presided over the spiritual wel-
fare of the parish and whose solemn celebration of the
mass was by no means so agreeable as the lighter service
of Father Phil. The Rev. Dominick Dowling was aus-
tere and long-winded ; his mass had an oppressive effect
on his congregation, and from the kneeling multitude



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368 Handy Andy

might be seen eyes fearfully looking up from under bent
brows; and low breathings and subdued groans often
rose above the silence of his congregation, who felt like
sinners, and whose imaginations were filled with the
thoughts of Heaven's anger ; while the good-humoured
face of the light-hearted Father Phil produced a corre-
sponding brightness on the looks of his hearers, who
turned up their whole faces in trustfulness to the mercy
of that Heaven whose propitiatory offering their pastor
was making for them in cheerful tones, which associated
well with thoughts of pardon and salvation.

Father Dominick poured forth his spiritual influence
like a strong dark stream that swept down the hearer
hopelessly struggling to keep his head above the torrent,
and dreading to be overwhelmed at the next word.
Father Phil's religion bubbled out like a mountain rill
bright, musical, and refreshing. Father Dominick's
people had decidedly need of cork jackets ; Father Phil's
might drink and be refreshed.

But with all this intrinsic worth, he was, at the same
time, a strange man in exterior manners ; for, with an
abundance of real piety, he had an abruptness of delivery
and a strange way of mixing up an occasional remark to
his congregation in the midst of the celebration of the
mass, which might well startle a stranger ; but this very
want of formality made him beloved by the people, and
they would do ten times as much for Father Phil as for
Father Dominick.

On the Sunday in question, when Andy attended the
chapel. Father Phil intended delivering an address to his
flock from the altar, urging them to the necessity of be-
stirring themselves in the repairs of the chapel, which
was in a very dilapidated condition, and at one end let in
the rain through its worn-out thatch. A subscription
was necessary ; and to raise this among a very impover-
ished people was no easy matter. The weather hap-
pened to be unfavourable, which was most favourable to



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Handy Andy 369

Father Phil's purpose, for the rain dropped its arguments
through the roof upon the kneeling people below in the
most convincing manner; and as they endeavoured to
get out of the wet, they pressed round the altar as much
as they could, for which they were reproved very smartly
by his Reverence in the very midst of the mass, and
these interruptions occurred sometimes in the most
serious places, producing a ludicrous effect, of which the
worthy Father was quite unconscious in his great anxiety
to make the people repair the chapel.

A big woman was elbowing her way towards the rails
of the altar, and Father Phil, casting a sidelong glance at
her, sent her to the right-about, while he interrupted his
appeal to Heaven to address her thus :

'* Agnus Dei you M better jump over the rails of the
althar, I think. Go along out o' that, there 's plenty o'
room in the chapel below there."

Then he would turn to the altar, and proceed with the
service, till turning again to the congregation he per-
ceived some fresh offender.

** Orate^fratres ! will you mind what I say to you
and go along out of that ? there 's room below there.
Thrue for you, Mrs. Finn it 's a shame for him to be
thramplin' on you. Go along. Darby Casy, down there,
and kneel in the rain ; it 's a pity you have n't a dacent
woman's cloak undher you indeed ! OraU^fratres! "

Then would the service proceed again, and while he
prayed in silence at the altar, the shuffling of feet edg-
ing out of the rain would disturb him, and casting
a backward glance, he would say

*' I hear you there can't you be quiet and not be
disturbin' the mass, you ha3rthens?"

Again he proceeded in silence, till the crying of
a child interrupted him. He looked round quickly.

" You 'd better kill the child, I think, thramplin' on
him, Lavery . Go out o' that your conduct is scanda-
lous D$minus vobiscum I "



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370 Handy Andy



Again he turned to pray, and after some time he
made an interval in the service to address his congrega-
tion on the subject of the repairs, and produced a paper
containing the names of subscribers to that pious work
who had already contributed, by way of example to
those who had not.

" Here it is," said Father Phil, " here it is, and no
denying it down in black and white ; but if they who
give are down in black, how much blacker are those
who have not given at all ! but I hope they will be
ashamed of themselves when I howld up those to
honour who have contributed to the uphowlding of the
house of God. And is n't it ashamed o' yourselves you
ought to be, to leave His house in such a condition
and doesn't it rain a' most eveiy Sunday, as if He
wished to remind you of your duty? aren't you wet
to the skin a' most every Sunday ? Oh, God is good
to you ! to put you in mind of your duty, giving you
such bitther cowlds that you are coughing and sneezin'
every Sunday to that degree that you can't hear the
blessed mass for a comfort and a benefit to you ; and
so you '11 go on sneezin' until you put a good thatch on
the place, and prevent the appearance of the evidence
from Heaven against you every Sunday, which is con-
demning you before your faces, and behind your backs
too, for don't I see this minit a strame o' wather that
might turn a mill running down Micky Mackavoy's
back, between the collar of his coat and his shirt ? "

Here a laugh ensued at the expense of Micky
Mackavoy, who certainly wai under a very heavy drip
from the imperfect roof.

" And is it laughing you are, you haythens ? " said
Father Phil, reproving the merriment which he himself
had purposely created, that he might reprove it. '' Laugh-
ing is it you are at your backslidings and insensibility
to the honour of God laughing, because when you
come here to be saved you are lost intirely with the wet ;



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Handy Andy 371

and how, I ask you, are my words of comfort to enter
your hearts, when the rain is pouring down your backs
at the same time ? Sure I have no chance of turning
your hearts while you are undher rain that might turn
a mill but once put a good roof on the house, and
I will inundate you with piety ! Maybe it 's Father
Dominick you would like to have coming among you,
who would grind your hearts to powdher with his heavy
words." (Here a low murmur of dissent ran through
the throng.) " Ha ! ha ! so you would n't like it, I see.
Very well, veiy well take care then, for if I find you
insensible to my moderate reproofs, you hard-hearted
ha)rthens you malefacthors and cruel persecuthors,
that won't put your hands in your pockets, because your
mild and quiet poor fool of a pasthor has no tongue in
his head ! I say your mild, quiet, poor fool of a
pasthor (for I know my own faults, partly, God forgive
me !), and I can't spake to you as you deserve, you hard-
living vagabones, that are as insensible to your duties as
you are to the weather. I wish it was sugar or salt you
were made of, and then the rain might melt you if I
could n't : but no them naked rafthers grin in your
face to no purpose you chate the house of God ; but
take care, maybe you won't chate the divil so aisy "
(here there was a sensation). ^^ Ha ! ha ! that makes
you open your ears, does it ? More shame for you ;
you ought to despise that dirty enemy of man, and
depend on something betther but I see I must call
you to a sense of your situation with the bottomless pit
undher you, and no roof over you. Oh dear! dear!
dear! I 'm ashamed of you troth, if I had time and
sthraw enough, I 'd rather thatch the place myself than
lose my time talking to you ; sure the place is more like
a stable than a chapel. Oh, think of that ! the house
of God to be like a stable ! for though our Redeemer,
in his humility, was born in a stable, that is no reason
why you are to keep his house always like one.



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372 Handy Andy

^ And now I will read you the list of subscribers, and
it will make you ashamed when you hear the names of
several good and worthy Protestants in the parish, and out
of it, too, who have given more than the Catholics.'*

He then proceeded to read the following list, which
he interlarded copiously with observations of his own ;
making viva voce marginal notes as it were upon the
subscribers, which were not unfrequently answered by
the persons so noticed, from the body of the chapel, and
laughter was often the consequence of these rejoinders,
which Father Phil never permitted to pass without a
retort. Nor must all this be considered in the least
irreverent. A certain period is allowed between two
particular portions of the mass, when the priest may
address his congregation on any public matter : an
approaching pattern, or fair, or the like; in which,
exhortations to propriety of conduct, or warnings against
faction fights, &c., are his themes. Then they only
listen in reverence. But when a subscription for such
an object as that already mentioned is under discussion,
the flock consider themselves entitled to "put in a
word " in case of necessity.

This preliminary hint is given to the reader, that he
may better enter into the spirit of Father Phil's

SUBSCRIPTION LIST

FOR THE REPAIRS AND ENLARGEMENT OF BALLY-
SLOUGHGUTPHERY CHAPEL

I t, A. Philip Blake, P.P.

Mioky Hicky ..076 ^^ He might as well have made ten
shillings : but half a loaf is betther
than no bread."

"Plase your reverence," says
Mick, from the body of the chapel,
**8ure seven and six-pence is more



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BiUj Riley .
John Dwyer



Peter Heffiemmn
Jmmes Mnrphy
Mmt Donoran .
Lake Danndy .
Jack Quigly .
Pat Pinnenn .
drard OXon-
nor, Eaq.



Ifleholaa Pagan
Toang NicluiUa
Pagan . . .



Tim Doyle .
Owny Doyl



Handy Andy



373



I ^ ^ than the half of ten^ shillings.
Ittugb^

" Oh ! how witty you are. 'Faith,
if you knew your duty as well as
your arithmetic, it would be betther
for you, Micky."

Here the Father turned the laugh
against Mick.

" Of course he means to subscribe
again.

"That's something like! I'll
be bound he 's only keeping back
the odd five shillings for a brush full
o' paint for the althar *, it 's as black
as a crow, instead o' being as white
as a dove."

He then hurried over rapidly some
small subscribers as follows :



o 1 4



o 15 o



o I 8

o a 6

o I I

O } o

O ft I

o a a

ft o o



o ft 6
050



076
100



VOL. II. S



" There 's for you ! Edward
O'Connor, Esq., a Protestant in the
parish Two pounds ! "

" Long life to him," cried a voice
in the chapel.

" Amen," said Father Phil ; I 'm
not ashamed to be clerk to so good
a prayer.

*' Young Nick is better than owld
Nick, you see."

The congregation honoured the
Father's demand on their risibility.

" Well done, Owny na Coppal
you deserve to prosper for you
make good use of your thrivings.



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374 Handy Andy

,, , / . d. u You oueht to be ashamed o*

Simon Lesrr . o ft 6 . ^

Bridget Morpbj .0100 youfsclf, Simoii I a lone widow
woman gives more than you."

Simon answered, ^^ I have a large
family, sir, and she has no childhre."
" That *s not her fault," said the
priest " and maybe she *11 mend
o' that yet." This excited much
merriment, for the widow was buxom,
and had recently buried an old hus-
band, and, by all accounts, was cock-
ing her cap at a handsome young
fellow in the parish.

Judy MojUn ..050 ** Very good, Judy ; the women are
behaving like gentlemen \ they '11 have
their reward in the next world.

Pat Pinnerty ..034 '* I *m not surc if it is 8s. 4d. or
3s. 4d., for the figure is blotted
but I believe it is 8s. 4d."

^^ It was three and four pince
I gave your reverence," said Pat
from the crowd.

" Well, Pat, as I said eight and
four pence you must not let me go
back o' my word, so bring me five
shillings next week."

" Sure you would n't have me pay
for a blot, sir ? "

"Yes, I would that's the rule
of back-mannon, you know, Pat.
When I hit the blot, you pay
for it."

Here his reverence turned round,
as if looking for some one, and
called out, " Rafferty ! Rafferty !
Rafferty ! Where are you, Raf-
ferty ? "



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Handy Andy 375

/ An old grey-headed man appeared,
bearing a large plate, and Father
Phil continued

'^ There now, be active I 'm
sending him among you, good peo-
ple, and such as cannot give as
much as you would like to be read
before your neighbours, give what
little you can towards the repairs,
and I will continue to read out the
names by way of encouragement to
you, and the next name I see is
that of Squire Egan. Long life to
him!

iqaireBgaa ..500 ^^ Squire Egan five pounds
listen to that five pounds a
Protestant in the parish five
pounds ! 'Faith, the Protestants will
make you ashamed of yourselves, if
we don't take care.

Mn.nanagaa. .too ^^ Not her own paHsh, either a

i?^M|[J| kind lady,

town ...100 "And here I must remark that
the people of Roundtown have not
been backward in coming forward
on this occasion. I have a long list
from Roundtown I will read it
separate." He then proceeded at a '
great pace, jumbling the town and
the pounds and the people in a most
extraordinaiy manner: " James
Milligan of Roundtown, one pound ;
Darby Daly of Roundtown, one
pound; Sam Finnigan of Round-
town, one pound; James Casey of
Roundpound, one town ; Kit Dwyer
of Townpound, one round pound



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376 Handy Andy

X . i. I mane ; Pat Roundpound Poun-
den, I mane Pat Pounden a pound
of Poundtown also there 's an
example for you ! but what are you
about, Rafferty ? IdotCt like the sound
of that plate of yours; you are not a
good gleaner go up first into the
gaUery there, where I see so many
good-looking bonnets I suppose
they will give something to keep
their bonnets out of the rain, for the
wet will be into the gallery next
Sunday if they don't. I think that
is Kitty Crow I see, getting her bit
of silver ready; them ribbons of
yours cost a trifle, Kitty. Well,
good Christians, here is more of the
subscription for you.
Mftttkcw Lsrtrf . o a 6 ** /// does n't belong to Round-
town Roundtown will be re-
nowned in future ages for the sup-
port of the Church. Mark my
words Roundtown will prosper
from this day out Roundtown
will be a rising place.
Mark HenncMjr . o 6 " One would think they all aereed
Job* DooUn . . o 6 Only to givc two and sixpence apiece.
And they comfortable men, too !
And look at their names Mat-
thew, Mark, Luke, and John, the
names of the Blessed Evangelists,
and only ten shillings among them !
Oh, they are apostles not worthy of
the name we '11 call them the Poor
Apostles from this out" (here a low
laugh ran through the chapel)
" Do you hear that, Matthew, Mark,



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Handy Andy 377

iC fc i. Luke, and John ? 'Faith ! I can tell
you that liame will stick to you."
(Here the laugh was louder.)

A voice, when the laugh subsided,
exclaimed, " I '11 make it ten shillin's,
your reverence."

Who 's that ? " said Father Phil.

" Hennessy, your reverence."

"Very well, Mark. I suppose
Matthew, Luke, and John will fol-
low your example ? "

" We will, your reverence."

^^ Ah ! I thought you made a mis-
take ; we '11 call you now the Faith-^
ful Apostles and I think the change
in the name is betther than seven
and sixpence apiece to you.

"I see you in the gallery there,
Raffeny. What do you pass that
well-dressed woman for? thry back

ha i see that she had her
money ready if you only asked for it

don't go by that other woman
there oh, oh ! So you won't give
anything, ma'am. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself. There is a
woman with an elegant sthraw bon-
net, and she won't give a farthing.
Well now afther that remember

I give it from the althar, that
from this day out sthraw bonnets pay
fP penny pieces,

'^^^\ . i o o "It's not his parish and he's a

brave gentleman.
**warT^^r i o o "^ Protestant out of the parish^

and a sweet young lady, God bless

her ! Oh, 'faith, die Protestants is

shaming you ! ! !



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378 Handy Andy

Deani. Piain . i 7 6 '' Vciy good, indeed, for a working

mason,
jemmj RUej ,.050 *' Not bad for a hedge-carpenther."
"I gave you ten, plaze, your
reverence," shouted Jemmy, " and
by the same token, you may remem-
ber it was on the Nativity of the
Blessed Vargin, sir, I gave you the
second five shiilin's."

"So you did. Jemmy," cried Father
Phil "I put a little cross before it,
to remind me of it ; but I was in a
hurry to make a sick call when you
gave it to me, and forgot it afther :
and indeed myself does n't know
what I did with that same five
shillings."

Here a pallid woman, who was

kneeling near the rails of the altar,

uttered an impassioned blessing, and

exclaimed, " Oh, that was the very

five shillings, I 'm sure, you gave to

me that very day, to buy some little

comforts for my poor husband, who

was dying in the fever ! " and the

poor woman burst into loud sobs as

she spoke.

A deep thrill of emotion ran through the flock as this

accidental proof of their poor pastor's beneficence burst

upon them \ and as an affectionate murmur began to rise

above the silence which that emotion produced, the burly

Father Philip blushed like a girl at this publication of

his charity, and even at the foot of that altar where he

stood, felt something like shame in being discovered

in the commission of that virtue so highly commended

by the Holy One to whose worship the altar was

raised. He uttered a hasty "Whisht whisht!" and



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Handy Andy 379

waved with his outstretched hands his flock into
silence.

In an instant one of those sudden changes common
to an Irish assembly, and scarcely credible to a stranger,
took place. The multitude was hushed the grotesque
of the subscription list had passed away and was for-
gotten, and that same man and that same multitude
stood in altered relations tbey were again a reverent
flock, and be once more a solemn pastor ; the natural
play of his nation's mirthful sarcasm was absorbed in a
moment in the sacredness of his office; and with a
solemnity befitting the highest occasion, he placed his
hands together before his breast, and raising his eyes to
Heaven he poured forth his sweet voice, with a tone of
the deepest devotion, in that reverential call to prayer,
" Orateyfratres''

The sound of a multitude gently kneeling down fol-
lowed, like the soft breaking of a quiet sea on a sandy
beach \ and when Father Philip turned to the altar to
pray, his pent-up feelings found vent in tears ; and while
he prayed, he wept.

I believe such scenes as this are not of unfrequent
occurrence in Ireland ; that country so long-suffering, so
much maligned, and so little understood.

Suppose the foregoing scene to have been only de-
scribed antecedent to the woman in the outbreak of her
gratitude revealing the priest's charity, from which he
recoiled, suppose the mirthfulness of the incidents
arising from reading the subscription-list a mirthful-
ness bordering on the ludicrous to have been recorded,
and nothing more, a stranger would be inclined to be-
lieve, and pardonable in the belief, that the Irish and
their priesthood were rather prone to be irreverent ; but
observe, under this exterior, the deep sources of feeling
that lie hidden and wait but the wand of divination to be
revealed. In a thousand similar ways are the actions
and the motives of the Irish understood by those who



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380 Handy Andy

are careless of them \ or worse, misrepresented by those
whose interest, and too often business^ it is to malign
them.

Father Phil could proceed no further with the reading
of the subscription-list, but finished the office of the
mass with unusual solemnity. But if the incident just
recorded abridged his address, and the publication of
donors' names by way of stimulus to the less active, it
produced a great effect on those who had but smaller
donations to drop into the plate ; and the grey-headed
collector, who could have numbered the scanty coin
before the bereaved widow had revealed the pastor's
charity, had to struggle his way afterwards through the
eagerly outstretched hands that showered their hard-
earned pence upon the plate, which was borne back to
the altar heaped with contributions, heaped as it had not
been seen for many a day. The studied excitement of
their pride and their shame and both are active agents
in the Irish nature was less successful than the acci-
dental appeal to their affections.

Oh! rulers of Ireland, why have you not sooner
learned to lead that people by love, whom all your
severity has been unable to drive ? *

When the mass was over, Andy waited at the door
of the chapel to catch " his riverence " coming out, and
obtain his advice about what he overheard from Larry
Hogan; and Father Phil was accordingly accosted by
Andy just as he was going to get into his saddle to ride
over to breakfast with one of the neighbouring farmers,
who was holding the priest's stirrup at the moment.
The extreme ui^gency of Andy's manner, as he pressed
up to the pastor's side, made the latter pause and in-
quire what he wanted.

^ When this passage was written Irebmd was disturbed (as she has
too often been) by special parliamentary provocation: the rem-
tious vigilance of legislative lynxes the peevishness of paltry
persecutors.



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Handy Andy 381

** I want to get some advice from your riverence,"
said Andy.

" 'Faith, then, the advice I give you is never to stop
a hungry man when he is going to refresh himself,"
said Father Phil, who had quite recovered his usual
cheerfulness, and threw his leg over his little grey hack
as he spoke. " How could you be so unreasonable as
to expect me to stop here listening to your case, and
giving you advice indeed, when I have said three
masses ^ this morning, and rode three miles ; how could
you be so unreasonable, I say ? "

" I ax your riverence's pardon," said Andy; "I
wouldn't have taken the liberty, only the thing is
mighty particular intirely."

'' Well, I tell you again, never ask a hungry man
advice ; for he is likely to cut his advice on the patthern
of his stomach, and it 's empty advice you '11 get. Did
you never hear that a * hungry stomach has no ears ' ? "

The farmer who was to have the honour of the
priest's company to breakfast exhibited rather more
impatience than the good-humoured Father Phil, and
reproved Andy for his conduct.

'' But it 's so particular," said Andy.

" I wondher you would dar' to stop his riverence, and
he black fastin'. Go 'long wid you ! "

" Come over to my house in the course of the week,
and speak to me," said Father Phil, riding away.

Andy still persevered, and taking advantage of the
absence of the farmer, who was mounting his own nag
at the moment, said the matter of which he wished to
speak involved the interests of Squire Egan, or he would
not " make so bowld."

This altered the matter; and Father Phil desired
Andy to follow him to the farm-house of John Dwyer,
where he would speak to him after he had breakfasted.

^ The office of the mass must be performed fasting.



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CHAPTER XXIX

JOHN DWYER'S house was a scene of activity that
day, for not only was the priest to breakfast there
always an affair of honour but a grand dinner was
also preparing on a large scale ; for a wedding-feast was
to be held in the house, in honour of Matty Dwyer's
nuptials, which were to be celebrated that day with a
neighbouring young farmer, rather well to do in the
world. The match had been on and off for some time,
for John Dwyer was what is commonly called a " close-
fisted fellow," and his would-be son-in-law could not
bring him to what he considered proper terms, and
though Matty liked young Casey, and he was fond of
her, they both agreed not to let old Jack Dwyer have
the best of the bargain in portioning off his daughter,
who, having a spice of her father in her, was just as
fond of number one as old Jack himself. And here it is
worthy of remark, that, though the Irish are so prone in
general to early and improvident marriages, no people
are closer in their nuptial barter, when they are in a
condition to make marriage a profitable contract. Re-
peated meetings between the elders of &milies take
place, and acute arguments ensue, properly to equalise
the worldly goods to be given on both sides. Pots and
pans are balanced against pails and chums, cows against
horses, a slip of bog against a gravel-pit, or a patch of
meadow against a bit of a quarry ; a little lime-kiln
sometimes bums stronger than the flame of Cupid
the doves of Venus herself are but crows in comparison
with a good flock of geese -^ and a love-sick sigh less



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Handy Andy 383

touching than the healthy grunt of a good pig ; indeed,
the last-named gentleman is a most useful agent in this
traffic, for when matters are nearly poised, the balance is
often adjusted by a grunter or two thrown into either
scale. While matters are thus in a state of debate,
quarrels sometimes occur between the lovers \ the gentle-
man's caution sometimes takes alarm, and more fre-
quently the lady's pride is aroused at the too obvious
preference given to worldly gain over heavenly beauty \
Cupid shies at Mammon, and Hymen is upset and left
in the mire.

I remember hearing of an instance of this nature,
when the lady gave her ci-devant lover an ingenious
reproof, after they had been separated some time, when
a marriage-bargain was broken off, because the lover
could not obtain from the girl's father a certain brown
filly as part of heir dowry. The damsel, after the
lapse of some weeks, met her swain at a neighbour-
ing fair, and the flame of love still smouldering in his
heart was re-illumined by the sight of his charmer,
who, on the contrary, had become quite disgusted with
him for his too obvious preference of profit to true
affection. He addressed her softly in a tent, and asked
her to dance, but was most astonished at her return-
ing him a look of vacant wonder, which tacitly implied,
** Who are you ? " as plain as looks could speak.

" Arrah, Mary," exclaimed the youth.

" Sir ! ! ! " answered Mary, with what heroines

call '* ineffable disdain."

*' Why one would think you did n*t know me ! "

^^ If I ever had the honour of your acquaintance, sir,"
answered Mary, " I forget you entirely."

'^ Foiget me, Mary ? arrah be aisy is it forget
the man that was courtin* and in love with you ? "

^^ You 're under a mistake, young man," said Mary,
with a curl of her rosy lip, which displayed the
pearly teeth to whose beauty her woman's nature re-



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384 Handy Andy

joiccd that the recreant lover was not yet insensible
" You *re under a mistake, young man," and her height-
ened colour made her eye flash more brightly as she
spoke " you 're quite under a mistake no one was
ever in love with me ; " and she laid signal emphasis
on the word. "There was a dirty mane blackguard,
indeed, once in love with my father^ s brown filly^ but I
forget him intirely."

Mary tossed her head proudly as she spoke, and her
filly-fancying admirer, reeling under the reproof she
inflicted, sneaked from the tent, while Mary stood up
and danced with a more open-hearted lover, whose
earnest eye could see more charms in one lovely
woman than all the horses of Arabia.

But no such result as this was likely to take place
in Matty Dwyer's case j she and her lover agreed with
one another on the settlement to be made, and old
Jack was not to be- allowed an inch over what was con-
sidered an even bargain. At length all matters were
agreed upon, the wedding-day fixed, and the guests
invited; yet still both parties were not satisfied, but
young Casey thought he should be put into absolute
possession of a certain little farm and cottage, and
have the lease looked over to see all was right (for
Jack Dwyer was considered rather slippery), while old
Jack thought it time enough to give him possession
and the lease and his daughter altogether.

However, matters had gone so far that, as the reader
has seen, the wedding-feast was prepared, the guests
invited, and Father Phil on the spot to help James
and Matty (in the facetious parlance of Paddy) to " tie
with their tongues what they could not undo with
their teeth."

When the priest had done breakfast, the arrival of
Andy was announced to him, and Andy was admitted
to a private audience with Father Phil, the particulars
of which must not be disclosed; for in short, Andy



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Handy Andy 385

made a regular confession before the Father, and, we
know, confessions must be held sacred ; but we may
say that Andy confided the whole post-office affair to
the pastor told him how Larry Hogan had contrived
to worm that afiair out of him, and by his devilish
artifice had, as Andy feared, contrived to implicate
Squire Egan in the transaction, and, by threatening a
disclosure, got the worthy Squire into his villanous
power. Andy, under the solemn queries of the priest,
positively denied having said one word to Hogan to
criminate the Squire, and that Hogan could only infer
the Squire's guilt; upon which Father Phil, having
perfectly satisfied himself, told Andy to make his mind
easy, for that he would secure the Squire from any
harm, and he moreover praised Andy for the fidelity
he displayed to the interests of his old master, and
declared he was so pleased with him, that he would
desire Jack Dwyer to ask him to dinner. " And that
will be no blind nut, let me tell you," said Father Phil
"a wedding dinner, you lucky dog ^ lashings^ and
lavings,' and no end of dancing afther ! "

Andy was accordingly bidden to the bridal feast, to
which the guests began already to gather thick and fast.
They strolled about the field before the house, basked in
groups in the sunshine, or lay in the shade under the
hedges, where hints of future marriages were given to
many a pretty girl, and to nudges and pinches were re-
turned small screams suggestive of additional assault
and inviting denials of "Indeed I won't," and that
crowning provocative to riotous conduct, "Behave
yourself."

In the meantime, the barn was laid out with long
planks, supported on barrels or big stones, which planks,
when covered with clean cloths, made a goodly board,
that soon began to be covered with ample wooden
dishes of corned beef, roasted geese, boiled chickens and
1 Overflowing abundance, and plenty left after.



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386 Handy Andy

bacon, and intennediate stacks of cabbage and huge
bowls of potatoes, all sending up their wreaths of smoke
to the rafters of the barn, soon to become hotter from
the crowd of guests, who, when the word was given,
rushed to the onslaught with right good will.

The dinner was later than the hour named, and the
delay arose from the absence of one who, of all others,
ought to have been present, namely, the bridegroom. -
But James Casey was missing, and Jack Dwyer had
been closeted from time to time with several long-headed
greybeards, canvassing the occurrence, and wondering at
the default on the bridegroom's part. The person who
might have been supposed to bear this default the worst
supported it better than any one. Matty was all life and
spirits, and helped in making the feast ready, as if noth-
ing wrong had happened ; and she backed Father Phil's
argument to sit down to dinner at once; "that if
James Casey was not there, that was no reason dinner
should be spoiled, he 'd be there soon enough ; besides,
if he did n't arrive in time, it was better he should have
good meat cold, than everybody have hot meat spoiled :
the ducks would be done to cindhers, the beef boiled to
rags, and the chickens be all in jommethry."

So down they sat to dinner : its heat, its mirth, its
clatter, and its good cheer we will not attempt to de-
scribe ; suffice it to say, the viands were good, the guests
hungry, and the drink unexceptionable ; and Father
Phil, no bad judge of such matters, declared he never
pronounced grace over a better spread. But still, in the
midst of the good cheer, neighbours (the women particu-
larly) would suggest to each other the " wondher " where
the bridegroom could be ; and even within ear-shot of
the bride elect, the low-voiced whisper ran, of" Where
in the world is James Casey ? "

Srill the bride kept up her smiles, and cheerfully re-
turned the healths that were drunk to her ; but old Jack
was not unmoved; a cloud hung on his brow, which grew



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Handy Andy 387

darker and darker as the hour advanced, and the bride-
grooih yet tarried. The board was cleared of the eatables,
and the copious jugs of punch going their round \ but the
usual toast of the united healths of the happy pair could
not be given, for one of them was absent. Father Phil
hardly knew what to do j for even his overflowing cheer-
fulness began to forsake him, and a certain air of em-
barrassment began to pervade the whole assembly, till
Jack Dwyer could bear it no longer, and, standing up,
he thus addressed the company :

" Friends and neighbours, you see the disgrace that 's
put on me and my child."

A murmur of " No, no ! " ran round the board,

" I say, yis."

** He '11 come yet, sir," said a voice.

" No, he won't," said Jack, " I see he won't I
know he won't. He wanted to have everything all his
own way, and he thinks to disgrace me in doing what
he likes, but he shan't ; " and he struck the table
fiercely is he spoke ; for Jack, when once his blood was
up, was a man of desperate determination. ^^ He 's a
greedy chap, the same James Casey, and he loves his
bargain betther than he loves you, Matty, so don't look
glum about what I 'm saying : I say he 's greedy : he 's
just the fellow that, if you gave him the roof off your
house, would ax you for the rails before your door ; and
he goes back of his bargain now, bekase I would not let
him have it all his own way, and puts the disgrace on
me, thinkin' I '11 give in to him, through that same ; but
I won't. And I tell you what it is, friends and neigh-
bours ; here 's the lease of the three-cornered field below
there," and he held up a parchment as he spoke, ^^ and a
snug cottage on it, and it 's all ready for the girl to walk
into with the man that will have her ; and if there 's a
man among you here that 's willing, let him say the word
now, and I '11 give her to him ! "

The girl could not resist an exclamation of surprise^



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388 Handy Andy

which her father hushed by a word and look so peremp
tory, that she saw remonstrance was in vain, and a
silence of some moments ensued; foi it was rather
startling, this immediate offer of a girl who had been so
strangely slighted, and the men were not quite prepared
to make advances, until they knew something more of
the why and wherefore of her sweetheart's desertion.

"Are yiz all dumb?" exclaimed Jack, in surprise.
** Faix, it 's not every day a snug little field and cottage
and a good-looking girl &lls in a man's way. I say
again, I '11 give her and the lase to the man that will say
the word."

Still no one spoke, and Andy began to think they
were using Jack Dwyer and his daughter very ill, but
what business had he to think' of offering himself, " a
poor devil like him " ? But, the silence still continuing,
Andy took heart of grace ; and as the profit and pleasure
of a snug match and a handsome wife flushed upon him,
he got up and said, " Would I do, sir f "

Every one was taken by surprise, even old Jack him-
self ; and Matty could not suppress a faint exclamation,
which every one but Andy understood to mean "she
did n't like it at all," but which Andy interpreted quite
the other way, and he grinned his loutish admiration of
Matty, who turned away her head from him in sheer
distaste, which action Andy took for mere coyness.

Jack was in a dilemma, for Andy was just the last
man he would have chosen as a husband for his daugh-
ter ; but what could he do ? he was taken at his word,
and even at the worst he was determined that some one
should marry the girl out of hand, and show Casey the
" disgrace should not be put on him ; " but, anxious to
have another chance, he stammered something about the
fairness of "letting the girl choose," and that "some
one else might wish to spake ; " but the end of all was,
that no one rose to rival Andy, and Father Phil bore
witness to the satisfaction he had that day in finding



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Handy Andy 389

so much uprightness and fidelity in ^ the boy ; '* that he
had raised his character much in his estimation by his
conduct that day ; and if he was a little giddy betimes,
there was nothing like a wife to steady him ; and if he
was rather poor, sure Jack Dwyer could mend that,

'' Then come up here/* says Jack ; and Andy left his
place at the very end of the board and marched up to the
head, amidst clapping of hands and thumping of the
table, and laughing and shouting.

" Silence ! " cried Father Phil, '' this is no laughing
matther, but a serious engagement and, John Dwyer,
I tell you and you Andy Rooney, that girl must not
be married against her own free-will ; but if she has no
objection, well and good/*

"My will is her pleasure, I know,** said Jack,
resolutely.

To the surprise of every one, Matty said, " Oh, I '11
take the boy with all my heart ! **

Handy Andy threw his arms round her neck and gave
her a most vigorous salute which came smacking off, and
thereupon arose a hilarious shout which made the old
rafters of the barn ring again.

*' There 's the lase for you,** said Jack, handing the
parchment to Andy, who was now installed in the place
of honour beside the bride elect at the head of the table,
and the punch circulated rapidly in filling to the double
toast of health, happiness, and prosperity to the ^^ happy
pair; " and after some few more circuits of the chliven-
ing liquor had been performed, the women retired to the
dwelling-house, whose sanded parlour was put in imme-
diate readiness for the celebration of the nuptial knot
between Matty and the adventurous Andy.

In half an hour the ceremony was performed, and the
rites and blessings of the Church dispensed between two
people, who, an hour before, had never looked on each
other with thoughts of matrimony.

Under such circumstances it waswonderfiil with what

VOL. II. 6



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390 Handy Andy

lightness of spirit Matty went through the honours con-
sequent on a peasant bridal in Ireland : these, it is need-
less to detail ; our limits would not permit ; but suffice it
to say, that a rattling country-dance was led off by Andy
and Matty in the barn, intermediate jigs were indulged
in by the "picked dancers" of the parish, while the
country dancers were resting and making love (if making
love can be called rest) in the corners, and that the
pipers and punch-makers had quite enough to do until
the night was far spent, and it was considered time for
the bride and bridegroom to be escorted by a chosen
party of friends to the little cottage which was to be their
future home. The pipers stood at the threshold of Jack
Dwyer, and his daughter departed from under the " roof-
tree " to the tunc of " Joy be with you ; " and then the
lilters, heading the body-guard of the bride, plied drone
and chanter right merrily until she had entered her new
home, thanked her old friends (who did all the estab-
lished civilities, and cracked all the usual jokes attendant
on the occasion) ; and Andy bolted the door of the snug
cottage of which he had so suddenly become master, and
placed a seat for the bride beside the lire, requesting
'* Miss Dwyer " to sit down for Andy could not bring
himself to call her " Matty " yet and found himself in
an awkward position in being " lord and master " of a
girl he considered so far above him a few hours before ;
Matty sat quiet, and looked at the fire.

" It *s very quare, is n't it ? " says Andy with a grin,
looking at her tenderly, and twiddling his thumbs.

'' What *s quare ? " inquired Matty, very drily.

" The estate," responded Andy.

'* What estate ? " asked Matty.

" Your estate and my estate," said Andy.

"Sure you don't call the three-cornered field my
father gave us an estate, you fool ? " answered Matty.

"Oh no," said Andy. "I mane the blessed and
holy estate of matrimony the priest put us in possession



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Handy Andy 391

of; " and Andy drew a stool near the heiress, on the '
strength of the hit he thought he had made.

" Sit at the other side of the fire/' said Matty, very
coldly.

** Yes, miss," responded Andy, very respectfully j and
in shoving his seat backwards the legs of the stool
caught in the earthen floor, and Andy tumbled heels
over head.

Matty laughed while Andy was picking himself up
with increased confusion at this mishap ; for even amidst
rustics 'there is nothing more humiliating than a lover
placing himself in a ridiculous position at the moment
he is doing his best to make himself agreeable.

" It is well your coat 's not new," said Matty, with a
contemptuous look at Handy's weather-beaten vestment.

" I hope I '11 soon have a betther," said Andy, a little
piqued, with all his reverence for the heiress, at this
allusion to his poverty. ^^ But sure it was n't the coat
you married, but the man that 's in it ; and sure I '11
take ofF my clothes as soon as you please, Matty, my
dear Miss Dwyer, I mane I beg your pardon."

"You had better wait till you get better," answered
Matty, very drily. " You know the old saying, ' Don't
throw out your dirty wather until you get in fresh.' "

'' Ah, darlin', don't be cruel to me ! " said Andy, in
a suppUcating tone. "I know I'm not desarvin' of
you, but sure I did not make so bowld as to make up
to you until I seen that nobody else would have you."

" Nobody else have me ! " exclaimed Matty, as her
eyes flashed with anger,

" I beg your pardon, miss," said poor Andy, who in
the extremity of his own humility had committed such
an offince against Matty's pride. "I only meant
that "

" Say no more about it," said Matty, who recovered
her equanimity. " Did n't my father give you the lasc
of the field and house ? "



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392 Handy Andy

"Yis, miss."

" You had better let me keep it then ; *t will be safer
with me than you."

'' Sartainly," said Andy, who drew the lease from his
pocket and handed it to her, and as he was near to
her he attempted a little familiarity, which Matty
repelled very unequivocally.

'* Arrah ! is it jokes you are crackin' ? " said Andy,
with a grin, advancing to renew his fondling.

'* I tell you what it is," said Matty, jumping up,
"I'll crack your head if you don't behave yourself!"
and she seized the stool on which she had been sitting,
and brandished it in a very amazonian fashion.

" Oh, wirra ! wirra ! " said Andy, in amaze " are n't
you my wife ? "

'' Your wife ! " retorted Matty, with a very devil in
her eye ^Your wife, indeed, you great omadhaun ;
why, then, had you the brass to think I 'd put up with
you?''

" Arrah, then, why did you many me ? " said Andy,
in a pitiful argumentative whine.

*' Why did I marry you ? " retorted Matty " Did n't
I know betther than refuse you, when my father said
the word when the divil was busy with him ? Why did
I marry you ? it 's a pity I did n't refuse, and be
murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's
backs was turned. Oh, it's little you know of owld
Jack Dwyer, or you would n't ask me that ; but, though
I 'm afraid of him, 1 'm not afraid of you so stand off
I tell you."

'' Oh, Blessed Virgin ! " cried Andy ; " and what
will be the end of it ? "

There was a tapping at the door as he spoke.

" You '11 soon see what will be the end of it," said
Matty, as she walked across the cabin and opened to
the knock.

James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms;



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Handy Andy 393

and half a dozen athletic fellows and one old and
debauched-looking man followed, and the door was
immediately closed after their entry.

Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty
caressed each others and the old man said in a voice
tremulous with intoxication, "A very pretty filly, by
jingo ! "

^^1 lost no time the minute I got your message,
Matty," said Casey, "and here's the Father ready to
join us."

" Ay, ay," cackled the old reprobate '' hammer and
tongs ! strike while the iron 's hot ! I *m the boy
for a short job ; " and he pulled a greasy book from his
pocket as he spoke.

This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland
under the title of " Couple-Beggar," who is ready to
perform irregular marriages on such urgent occasions as
the present \ and Matty had contrived to inform James
Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home,
and recommended him to adopt the present plan, and
so defeat the violent measure of her father by one still
more so.

A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take
matters quietly, but made a pretty considerable row,
which was speedily quelled, however, by Casey's body-
guard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that help-
less state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed
by the " couple-beggar," between Casey and the girl he
had looked upon as his own five minutes before.

In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding ;
the '* couple-beggar " smothered his objections in ribald
jests.

"You can't take her from me, I tell you," cried
Andy.

" No ; but we can take you from her," said the
"couple-beggar;" and, at the words, Casey's friends
dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a rollicking



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394 Handy Andy

adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the
door after them and became possessor of the wife and
property poor Andy thought he had secured.

To guard against an immediate alarm being given,
Andy was warned on pain of death to be silent as
his captors bore him along, and he took them to be
too much men of their word to doubt they would
keep their promise. They bore him through a lonely
by-lane for some time, and on arriving at the stump
of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him
to pass his wedding-night in the tight embraces of
hemp.



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CHAPTER XXX

THE news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself,
and being celebrated before so many, spread
over the country like wildfire, and made the talk of
half the barony for the next day, and the question,
'' Arrahj did you hear of the wondherful wedding ? " was
asked in high-road and by-road, and scarcely a boreen
whose hedges had not borne witness to this startling
matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other
stories, of course got twisted into various strange shapes,
and fanciful exaggerations became grafted on the orig-
inal stem, sufficiently grotesque in itself; and one of
the versions set forth how old Jack Dwyer, the more
to vex Casey, had given his daughter the greatest for-
tune that ever had been heard of in the country.

Now one of the open-eared people who had caught
hold of the story by this end happened to meet Andy's
mother, and, with a congratulatory grin, began with
** The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and
sure I wish you joy."

"Och hone, and for why, dear?" answered Mrs.
Rooney, "sure, it's nothin' but trouble and care I
have, poor and in want, like me."

" But sure you '11 never be in want any more."

" Arrah, who towld you so, agra ? "

"Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he ? "

" What boy ? "

" Andy, sure ! "

" Andy ! " replied his mother, in amazement.
" Andy, indeed ! out o' place, and without a baw-



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396 Handy Andy

bee to bless himself with ! stayin' out all night, the
blackguard ! "

^^ By this and that, I don't think you know a word
about it," cried the friend, whose turn it was for won-
der now.

'* Don't I, indeed ? " said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at
having her word doubted, as she thought. ^^ I tell you
he never was at home last night, and maybe it 's your-
self was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad
coorses the slingein' dirty blackguard that he is."

Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which in-
creased the ire of Mrs. Rooney, who would have passed
on in dignified silence but that Micky held her fast, and
when he recovered breath enough to speak, he pro-
ceeded to tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a
disjointed way, that it was some time before Mrs.
Rooney could comprehend him for his interjectional
laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should be
the last to know it, and that he should have the luck to
tell it, sometimes broke the thread of his story and
then his collateral observations so disfigured the tale,
that its incomprehensibility became very much increased,
until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by
direct questions.

" For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me
sinsible, and don't disthract me is the boy married?"

" Yis, I tell you."

" To Jack Dwyer*s daughter ? "

"Yis."

" And gev him a fort'n'? "

"Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he *11
have all when the owld man's dead."

" Oh, more power to you, Andy ! " cried his mother
in delight : " it 's you that is the boy, and the best
child that ever was ! Half his property, you tell me,
Misther Lavery ? " added she, getting distant and polite
the moment she found herself mother to a rich man.



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Handy Andy 397

and curtailing her familiarity with a poor one like
Laveiy.

** Yes, ma'amy^ said Laveiy, touching his hat, '' and
the whole of it when the owld man dies."

" Then indeed I wish him a happy relase ! " * said
Mrs. Rooney, piously " not that I owe the man any
spite but sure he 'd be no loss and it 's a good
wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. Good
mornin', Misther Lavery," said Mrs. Rooney, with a
patronising smile, and ^^ going the road with a dignified
air."

Mick Laveiy looked after her with mingled wonder
and indignation. ^^ Bad luck to you, you owld sthrap ! "
he muttered between his teeth. " How consaited you
are, all of a sudden by Jakers, I 'm sorry I towld
you cock you up, indeed put a beggar on horse*
back to be sure humph ! the devil cut the tongue
out o* me if ever I give any one good news again.
IVe a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his
horse is in the pound."

Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long
as she was in sight of Lavery, but the moment an
angle of the road screened her from his observation, off
she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her
darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears
all the good news she had heard. She puffed out by
the way many set phrases about the goodness of Provi-
dence, and arranged at the same time sundiy fine
speeches to make to the bride; so that the old lady's
piety and flattery ran a strange couple together along
with herself; while mixed up with her prayers and
her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack
Dwyer as to how long he could live and how
much he might leave.

It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill
which commanded a view of the three-cornered field

1 A happy release ** it the Irish phrase for departing this life.



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398 Handy Andy

and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to embrace
her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blow-
ing like a porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and
Matty being the first person she met, she flung herself
upon her, and covered her with embraces and blessings.

Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before
she could shake off the old beldame's hateful caresses ;
but at last getting free and tucking up her hair, which
her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her ears,
she exclaimed in no very gentle tones

" Arrah, good woman, who axed for your company
who are you at all ? "

" Your mother-in-law, jewel ! " cried the Widow
Rooney, making another open-armed rush at her beloved
daughter-in-law; but Matty received the widow's pro-
truding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips,
and the old woman's nose coming in for a share of
Matty's knuckles, a ruby stream spurted forth, while all
the colours of the rainbow danced before Mrs. Rooney's
eyes as she reeled backward on the floor.

" Take that, you owld faggot ! " cried Matty, as she
shook Mrs. Rooney's tributary claret from the knuckles
which had so scientifically tapped it, and wiped her hand
in her apron.

The old woman roared "millia' murthur" on the
floor, and snuffled out a deprecatory question ^^ if that
was the proper way to be received in her son's house."

" Tour son's house, indeed ! " cried Matty. " Get out
o' the place, you stack o' rags."

'* Oh, Andy ! Andy ! " cried the mother, gathering
herself up.

" Oh that 's it, is it ! " cried Matty ; " so it 's
Andy you want?"

" To be sure : why would n't I want him, you hussy ?
My boy ! my darlin' ! my beauty ! "

" Well, go look for him ! " cried Matty, giving her a
shove towards the door.



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Handy Andy 399

"Well, now, do you think I '11 be turned out of my
son's house so quietly as that, you unnatural baggage ? "
cried Mrs. Rooney, facing round, fiercely. Upon which
a bitter altercation ensued between the women ; in the
course of which the widow soon learnt that Andy was
not the possessor of Matty's charms : whereupon the old
woman, no longer having the fear of damaging her
daughter-in-law's beauty before her eyes, tackled to for
a fiight in right earnest, in the course of which some
reprisals were made by the widow in revenge for her
broken nose ; but Matty's youth and activity, joined to
her Amazonian spirit, turned the tide in her favour,
though, had not the old lady been blown by her long
run, the victory would not have been so easy, for she
was a tough customer, and left Matty certain marks of
her favour that did not rub out in a hurry while she
took away (as a keepsake) a handful of Matty's hair, by
which she had long held on till a successful kick from the
gentle bride finally ejected Mrs. Rooney from the house.

Off she reeled, bleeding and roaring, and while on her
approach she had been blessing Heaven and inventing
sweet speeches for Matty, on her retreat she was curs-
ing fate and heaping all sorts of hard names on the
Amazon she came to flatter. Alas, for the brevity of
human exultation !

How fared it in the meantime with Andy? He,
poor devil ! had passed a cold night, tied up to the old
tree, and as the morning dawned, every object appeared
to him through the dim light in a distorted form ; the
gaping hollow of the old trunk to which he was bound
seemed like a huge mouth, opening to swallow him,
while the old knots looked, like eyes, and the gnarled
branches like claws, staring at and ready to tear him in
pieces.

A raven, perched above him on a lonely branch,
croaked dismally, till Andy fancied he could hear words
of reproach in the sounds, while a little tomtit chattered



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400 Handy Andy

and twittered on a neighbouring bough, as if he enjoyed
and approved of all the severe things the raven uttered.
The little tomtit was the worst of the two, just as the
solemn reproof of the wise can be better borne than the
impertinent remark of some chattering fool. To these
imaginary evils was added the reality of some enormous
water-rats that issued from an adjacent pool and b^an
to eat Andy's hat and shoes, which had fallen off in his
struggle with his captors ; and all Andy's warning ejacu-
lations could not make the vermin abstain from his shoes
and his hat, which, to judge from their eager eating,
could not stay their stomachs long, so that Andy, as he
looked on at the rapid demolition, began to dread that
they might transfer their favours from his attire to him-
self, until the tramp of approaching horses relieved his
anxiety, and in a few minutes two horsemen stood be-
fore him they were Father Phil and Squire Egan.

Great was the surprise of the Father to see he fellow
he had married the night before, and whom he supposed
to be in the enjoyment of his honeymoon, tied up to a
tree and looking more dead than alive \ and his indigna-
tion knew no bounds when he heard that a ^^couple-
beggar " had dared to celebrate the marriage ceremony,
which fact came out in the course of the explanation
Andy made of the desperate misadventure which had
befallen him; but all other grievances gave way in the
eyes of Father Phil to the '* couple-beggar.**

" A ' couple-beggar * ! the audacious vagabones ! "
he cried, while he and the Squire were engaged in loos-
ing Andy's bonds. "A * couple-beggar ' in my parish !
How fast they have tied him up. Squire ! " he added, as
he endeavoured to undo a knot. ** A ' couple-beggar,'
indeed ! I'll undo the marriage ! have you a knife
about you. Squire ? the blessed and holy tie of matri-
mony ! it *s a black knot, bad luck to It, and must be
cut take your leg out o' that now and wait till I
lay my hands on them a * couple-beggar ' indeed ! "



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Handy Andy 401

" A desperate outrage this whole affair has been ! "
said the Squire.

" But a ' couple-beggar/ Squire."

" His house broken into "

" But a ' couple-beggar ' "

" His wife taken from him "

" But a * couple-beggar * "

" The laws violated "

** But my dues^ Squire think o' that ! what would
become o* them^ if * couple-beggars ' is allowed to show
their audacious faces in the parish. Oh, wait till next
Sunday, that *s all I '11 have them up before the althar,
and I '11 make them beg God's pardon, and my pardon,
and the congregation's pardon, the audacious pair ! " ^

" It 's an assault on Andy," said the Squire,

" It 's a robbery on me," said Father Phil.

" Could you identify the men ? " said the Squire.

".Do you know the *- couple-be^ar ' ? " said the priest.

" Did James Casey lay his hands on you ? " said the
Squire ; " for he 's a good man to have a warrant
against."

" Oh, Squire, Squire ! " ejaculated Father Phil ; " talk-
ing of laying hands on him is it you are ? did n't that
blackguard * couple-beggar * lay his dirty hands on a
woman that my bran new benediction was upon ! Sure,
they 'd do anything after that ! "

1 A man and woman who had been united by a couple-beg-
gar " were called up one Sunday by the priest in the face of the
congregation, and summoned, as Father Phil threatens above, to
beg God^s pardon, and the priest* s pardon, and the congregation*!
pardon ; but the woman stoutly refused the last condition. IMl
beg God*s pardon and your Reverence's pardon," she said, " but
I won't beg the congregation's pardon." * You won't " says
the priest. " I won't," says she. ** Oh you conthrairy bag-
gage," cried his Reverence: "take her home out o' that," said
he to her husband who had humbled himself take her home,
and leather her well for she wants it \ and if you don't leather
her, you '11 be sorry for if you don't make her afraid of you,
the 'II master You, too take her home and leather her.'* Fact.



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402 Handy Andy

By this time Andy was free, and having received the
Squire's directions to follow him to Merryvale, Father
Phil and the worthy Squire were once more in their
saddles and proceeded quietly to the same place, the
Squire silently considering the audacity of the coup^-
main which robbed Andy of his wife, and his reverence
puffing out his rosy cheeks and muttering sundry angry
sentences, the only intelligible words of which were
'' couple-beggar."



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CHAPTER XXXI

DOUBTLESS the reader has anticipated that the
presence of Father Phil in the company of the
Squire at this immediate time was on account of
the communication made by Andy about the post-office
aSair. Father Phil had determined to give the Squire
freedom from the strategetic coil in which Larry Hogan
had ensnared him, and lost no time in setting about it;
and it was on his intended visit to Meriyvale that he
met its hospitable owner, and telling him there was a
matter of some private importance he wished to com-
municate, suggested a quiet ride together; and this it
was which led to their traversing the lonely little lane
where they discovered Andy, whose name was so prin-
cipal in the revelations of that day.

To the Squire those revelations were of the dearest
importance ; for they relieved his mind from a weight
which had been oppressing it for some time, and set his
heart at rest. Egan, it must be remarked, was an odd
mixture of courage and cowardice : undaunted by per-
sonal danger, but strangely timorous where moral cour-
age was required. A remarkable shyness, too, made
him hesitate constantly in the utterance of a word which
might explain away any difficulty in which he chanced
to find himself; and this helped to keep his tongue tied
in the matter where Larry Hogan had continued to
make himself a bugbear. He had a horror, too, of
being thought capable of doing a dishonourable thing,
and the shame he felt at having peeped into a letter was



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404 Handy Andy

so stinging, that the idea of asking any one's advice in
the dilemma in which he was placed made him recoil
from the thought of such aid. Now, Father Phil had
relieved him from the difficulties his own weakness im-
posed ; the subject had been forced upon him \ and once
forced to speak he made a full acknowledgment of all
that had taken place; and when he found Andy had not
borne witness against him, and that Larry Hogan only
inferred his participation in the transaction, he saw on
Father Phil's showing that he was not really in Larry
Hogan's power ; for though he admitted he had given
Larry a trifle of money from time to time when Larry
asked for it, under the influence of certain innuendoes,
yet that was no proof against him ; and Father Phil's
advice was to get Andy out of the way as soon as pos-
sible, and then to set Larry quietly at defiance that is
to say, in Father Phil's own words, " to keep never
minding him."

Now Andy not being encumbered with a wife (as
fate had so ordained it) made the matter easier, and the
Squire and the Father, as they rode towards Merryvale
together to dinner, agreed to pack oflf" Andy without
delay, and thus place him beyond Hogan's power ; and
as Dick Dawson was going to London with Murphy, to
push the petition against Scatterbrain's return, it was
looked upon as a lucky chance, and Andy was at once
named to bear them company.

" But you must not let Hogan know that Andy is
sent away under your patronage. Squire," said the
Father, '' for that would be presumptive evidence you
had an interest in his absence ; and Hogan is the very
blackguard would see it fast enough, for he is a know-
ing rascal."

" He 's the deepest scoundrel I ever met," said the
Squire.

" As knowing as a jailer," said Father Phil. " A
jailer, did I say by d[ad, he bates any jailer I ever



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Handy Andy 405

heard of for that fellow is so 'cute, he could keep New^
gate with a hook and eye**

'* By-the-bye, there 's one thing I forgot to tell you,
respecting those letters I threw into the fire ; for remem-
ber, Father, I only peeped into one and destroyed the
others^ but one of the letters, I must tell you, was
directed to yourself."

" 'Faith, then, I forgive you that. Squire," said Father
Phil, " for I hate letters ; but if you have any scruple of
conscience on the subject, write me one yourself, and
that will do as well."

The Squire could not help thinking the Father's mode
of settling the difficulty worthy of Handy Andy himself;
but he did not tell the Father so.

They had now reached Merryvale, where the good-
humoured priest was heartily welcomed, and where
Doctor Growling, Dick Dawson, and* Murphy were also
guests at dinner. Great was the delight of the party at
the history they heard, when the cloth was drawn, of
Andy's wedding, so much in keeping with his former
life and adventures, and Father Phil had another oppor-
tunity of venting his rage against the " couple-beggar."

** That was but a slip-knot you tied. Father," said the
doctor.

" Aye, aye ! joke away, doctor."

*'Do you think. Father Phil," said Murphy, "that
that marriage was made in heaven, where we are told
marriages are made ? "

" I don't suppose it was, Mr. Murphy \ for if it had
it would have held upon earth."

" Very well answered. Father," said the Squire.

" I don't know what other people think about matches
being made in heaven," said Growling, " but I have my
suspicions they are sometimes made in another place."

" Oh, fie, doctor ! " said Mrs. Egan.

" The doctor, ma'am, is an old bachelor," said Father
Phil, " or he would n't say so."
VOL. n. 7



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4o6 Handy Andy

'' Thank you, Father Phil, for so polite a speech.**

The doctor took his pencil from his pocket and began
to write on a small bit of paper, which the priest observ-
ing, asked him what he was about, ^^ or is it writing a
prescription you are/' said he, " for compounding better
marriages than I can ? *'

^Something very naughty, I dare say, the doctor is
doing," said Fanny Dawson.

"Judge for yourself, lady fair," said the doctor, hand-
ing Fanny the slip of paper.

Fanny looked at it for a moment and smiled, but
declared it was very wicked indeed.

*' Then read it for the company, and condemn me out
of your own pretty mouth. Miss Dawson," said the
doctor.

" It is too wicked."

*' If it is ever, so wicked," said Father Phil, *' the
wickedness will be neutralised by being read by an
angel."

" Well done, St. Omer's," cried Murphy.

"Really, Father," said Fanny, blushing, "you arc
desperately gallant to-day, and just to shame you, and
show how little of an angel I am, I wiU read the doctor's
epigram :

Though matches are all made in heaven, they say,
Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches,
Sometimes deab with the house father side of the tvay^
And then they make Lucifer matches/ ''

" Oh, doctor ! I *m afraid you are a woman-hater,"
said Mrs. Egan. " Come away, Fanny, I am sure they
want to get rid of us."

" Yes," said Fanny, rising and joining her sister, who
was leaving the room, "and now, after abusing poor
Hymen, gentlemen, we leave you to your favourite
worship of Bacchus."

The departure of the ladies changed the conversation,



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Handy Andy 407

and after the gentlemen had resumed their seats, the
doctor asked Dick Dawson how soon he intended going
to London.

" I start immediately," said Dick. *' Don't forget to
give me that letter of introduction to your friend in
Dublin, whom I long to know."

" Who is he ? " asked the Squire.

**One Tom Loftus or, as his friends call him,
' Piping Tom,' from his vocal powers ; or, as some nick-
name him, * Organ Loftus,* from his imitation of that
instrument, which is an excessively comical piece of
caricature."

" Oh ! I know him well," said Father Phil.

*'How did you manage to become acquainted with
him ? " inquired the doctor, " for I did not think he lay
much in your way."

" It was he became acquainted with me," said Father
Phil, " and this was the way of it he was down on a
visit betimes in the parish I was in before this, and his
behaviour was so wild that I was obliged to make an
allusion in the chapel to his indiscretions, and threaten
to make his conduct a subject of severe public censure if
he did not mind his manners a little better. Well, my
dear, who should call on me on the Monday morning
after but Misther Tom, all smiles and graces, and pro-
testing he was sorry he fell under my displeasure, and
hoping I would never have cause to find fault with him
again. Sure, I thought he was repenting of his misdeeds,
and I said I was glad to hear such good words from him.
' A' then. Father,' says he, ' I hear you have got a great
curiosity from Dublin a shower-bath, I hear ? ' So I
said I had : and indeed, to be candid, I was as proud as
a peacock of the same bath, which tickled my fancy
when I was once in town, and so I bought it. *- Would
you show it to me ? ' says he. * To be sure,' says I,
and off I went, like a fool, and put the wather on the
top, and showed him how, when a string was pulled.



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4o8 Handy Andy



down it came and he pretended not clearly to under-
stand the thing, and at last he said, ^ Sure it 's not into
that sentry-box you get ? ' says he. * Oh yes,* said I,
getting into it quite innocent ; when, my dear, he slaps
the door and fastens it on me, and pulls the string and
souses me with the water, and I with my best suit of
black on me. I roared and shouted inside while Misther
Tom Loftus was screechin' laughing outside, and danc-
ing round the room with delight. At last, when he
could speak, he said, ' Now, Father, we 're even,' says
he, ' for the abuse you gave me yesterday,' and off he
ran.

" That 's just like him," said old Growling, chuckling ;
'* he 's a queer devil. I remember on one occasion a
poor dandy puppy, who was in the same office with him
for Tom is in the Ordnance department, you must
know this puppy, sir, wanted to go to the Ashbourne
races and cut a figure in the eyes of a rich grocer's
daughter he was sweet upon."

" Being sweet upon a grocer's daughter," said Mur-
phy, " is like bringing coals to Newcastle."

" 'Faith ! it was coals to Newcastle with a vengeance,
in the present case, for the girl would have nothing to
say to him, and Tom had great delight whenever he
could annoy this poor fool in his love-making plots. So,
when he came to Tom to ask for the loan of his horse,
Tom said he should have \i\vci if he could make the smallest
use of him * but I don't think you can,' said Tom.
^ Leave that to me,' said the youth. *- 1 don't think you
could make him go,' said Tom. ^ I '11 buy a new pair
of spurs,' said the puppy. ^ Let them be handsome ones,'
said Tom. ^ I was looking at a very handsome pair at
Lamprey's, yesterday,' said the young gentleman. * Then
you can buy them on your way to my stables,' said
Tom ; and sure enough, sir, the youth laid out his money
on a very costly pair of persuaders, and then proceeded
homewards with Tom. ^ Now, with all your spurs,' said



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Handy Andy 409

Tom, *- 1 don't think you '11 be able to make him go.'

* Is he so very vicious, then ? ' inquired the youth, who
began to think of his neck. * On the contrary,' said
Tom, * he 's perfectly quiet, but won't go for you^ I 'II
bet a pound.' *- Done ! ' said the youth. ' Well, try
him,' said Tom, as he threw open the stable door.
' He 's lazy, I see,' said the youth ; ' for he 's lying down.'

* 'Faith, he is,' said Tom, * and has n't gcft up these two
days ! ' ' Get up, you brute ! * said the innocent youth,
giving a smart cut of his whip on the horse's flank ; but
the horse did not budge. ' Why^ he 's dead ! ' says he.

* Yes,' says Tom, *- since Monday last. So I don't think
you can make him go, and you 've lost your bet ! ' "

" That was hardly a fair joke," said the Squire.

" Tom never stops to think of that," returned the doc-
tor ; '' he 's the oddest fellow I ever knew. The last
time I was in Dublin, I called on Tom and found him one
bitter cold and stormy morning standing at an open win-
dow, nearly quite undressed. On asking him what he
was about, he said he was getting up a bass voice ; that
Mrs. Somebody, who gave good dinners and bad con-
certs, was disappointed of her bass singer, *- and I think,'
said Tom, ' I '11 be hoarse enough in the evening to take
double B flat. Systems are the fashion now,' said he;
^ there is the Logierian system and other systems, and
mine is the Cold-air-ian system, and the best in the
world for getting up a bass voice.' "

" That was very original certainly," said the Squire.

" But did you ever hear of his adventure with the
Duke of Wellington ? " said the doctor.

" The Duke ! " they all exclaimed.

" Yes that is, when he was only Sir Arthur Welles-
ley. Well, I 'U tell you."

" Stop," said the Squire, " a fresh story requires a fresh
bottle. Let me ring for some claret."



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CHAPTER XXXII

THE servant who brought in the claret announced at
the same time the arrival of a fresh guest in the
person of " Captain Moriarty," who was welcomed by
most of the party by the name of Randal. The Squire
regretted he was too late for dinner, inquiring at the
same time if he would like to have something to eat at
the side-table; but Randal declined the offer, assuring
the Squire he had got some refreshment during the day
while he had been out shooting ; but as the sport led
him near Merryvale, and ^ he had a great thirst upon
him," he did not know a better house in the country
wherein to have ^^ that same " satisfied.

" Then you 're just in time for some cool claret," said
the Squire ; '* so sit down beside the doctor, for he must
haVe the first glass and broach the bottle, before he
broaches the story he 's going to tell us that 's only
fair."

The doctor filled his glass, and tasted. '* What a nice
* chateau^ *- Margaux ' must be," said he, as he laid down
his glass. ^^ I should like to be a tenant-at-will there,
at a small rent."

*'*' And no taxes," said Dick.

" Except my duty to the claret," replied the doctor.

** * My favourite chateau.
Is that of Margaux.*

" By-the-bye, talking of chateau^ there *s the big brewer
over at the town, who is anxious to affect gentility, and
he heard some one use the word cbapeauy and having



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Handy Andy 411

found out it was the French for hat^ he determined to
show off on the earliest possible occasion, and selected a
public meeting of some sort to display his accomplish-
ment. Taking some cause of objection to the proceed-
ings, as an excuse for leaving the meeting, he said,
* Gentlemen, the fact is I can't agree with you, so I may
as well take my chateau under my arm at once, and
walk.' "

" Is not that an invention of your own, doctor ? " said
the Squire.

" I heard it for fact," said Growling.

** And 't is true," added Murphy, " for I was present
when he said it. And at an earlier part of the proceed-
ings he su^ested that the parish clerk should read the
resolutions, because he had a good ' laudable voice.* "

" A parish clerk ought to have," said the doctor
" eh. Father Phil ? * Laudamus ! ' "

" Leave your Latin," said Dick, *' and tell us that
story you promised about the Duke and Tom Loftus."

" Right, Misther Dick," said Father Phil.

" The story, doctor," said the Squire.

" Oh, don't make such bones about it," said Growl-
ing ; ^^ 't is but a trifle after all ; only it shows you what
a queer and reckless rascal Tom is. I told you he was
called ' Organ * Loftus by his friends, in consequence of
the imitation he makes of that instrument ; and it cer-
tainly is worth hearing and seeing, for your eyes have
as much to do with the affair as your ears. Tom
plants himself on a high office-stool, before one of those
lofty desks with long rows of drawers down each side
and a hole between to put your legs under. Well, sir,
Tom pulls out the top drawers, like the stops of an
organ, and the lower ones by way of pedals : and then
he begins thrashing the desk like the finger-board of an
organ with his hands, while his feet kick away at the
lower drawers as if he were the greatest pedal performer
out of Germany, and he emits a rapid succession of grunts



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412 Handy Andy

and squeaks, producing a ludicrous reminiscence of the
instrument, which I defy any one to hear without laughs
ing. Several sows and an indefinite number of sucking
pigs could not make a greater noise, and Tom himself
declares he studied the instrument in a pigsty, which he
maintains gave the first notion of an organ. Well, sir,
the youths in the office assist in ' doing the service,' as
they call it, that is, making an imitation of the chanting
and so forth in St. Patrick's Cathedral."

*' Oh, the haythens ! " said Father Phil.

" One does Spray, and another Weyman, and another
Sir John Stevenson, and so on ; and they go on respons-
ing and singing ' Amen ' till the Ordnance Office rings
again."

" Have they nothing better to do ? " asked the Squire.

'* Very little but reading the papers," said the doctor.

" Well Tom you must know, sir was trans-
ferred some time ago, by the interest of many influential
friends, to the London department ; and the fame of his
musical powers had gone before him from some of the
English clerks in Ireland who had been advanced to the
higher posts in Dublin, and kept up correspondence
with their old friends in London ; and it was not long
until Tom was requested to go through an anthem on
the great office-desk. Tom was only too glad to be
asked, and he kept the whole office in a roar for an hour
with all the varieties of the instrument from the diapa-
son to the flute-stop and the devil a more business
was done in the office that day, and Tom before long
made the sober English fellows as great idlers as the
chaps in Dublin. Well it was not long until a sud-
den flush of business came upon the department, in con-
sequence of the urgent preparations making for supplies
to Spain, at the time the Duke was going there to take
the command of the army, and organ-playing was set
aside for some days ; but the fellows, after a week's ab-
stinence, began to yearn for it and Tom was requested



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Handy Andy 413

to ^ do the service.' Tom, nothing loath, threw aside
his official papers, set up a big ledger before him, and
commenced his legerdemain, as he called it, pulled out
his stops, and began to work away like a weaver, while
every now and then he swore at the bellows-blower for
not giving him wind enough, whereupon the choristers
would kick the bellows-blower to accelerate his flatu-
lency. Well, sir, they were in the middle of the ser-
vice, and all the blackguards making the responses in
due season, when, just as Tom was quivering under a
portentous grunt, which might have shamed the principal
diapason of Harlaem, and the subs were drawing out a
resplendent *A a a men,' the door opened, and in
walked a smart-looking gentleman, with rather a large
nose and quick eye, which latter glanced round the office,
where a sudden endeavour was made by everybody to get
back to his place. The smart gentleman seemed rather
surprised to see a little fat man blowing at a desk instead
of the fire, and long Tom kicking, grunting, and squeal-
ing like mad. The bellows-blower was so taken by sur-
prise he could n't stir, and Tom, having his back to
them, did not see what had taken place, and went on as
if nothing had happened, till the smart gentleman went
up to him, ^d tapping on Tom's desk with a little rid-
ing-whip, he said, ^ I 'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but I
wish to know what you 're about.' * We 're doing the
service, sir,' said Tom, no ways abashed at the sight of
the stranger, for he did not know it was Sir Arthur
Wellesley was talking to him. * Not the public service,
sir,' said Sir Arthur. ' Yes, sir,' said Tom, * the service
as by law established in the second year of the reign of
King Edward the Sixth,' and he favoured the future hero
of Waterloo with a touch of the organ. ' Who is the
head of this office ? ' inquired Sir Arthur. Tom, with a
very gracious bow, replied, *- 1 am principal organist, sir,
and allow me to introduce you to the principal bellows-
blower ' and he pointed to the poor little man who let



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414 Handy Andy

the bellows fall from his hand as Sir Arthur fixed his
eyes on him. Tom did not perceive till now that all
the clerks were taken with a sudden fit of industry, and
were writing away for the bare life ; and he cast a look
of surprise round the office while Sir Arthur was looking
at the bellows-blower. One of the clerks made a wry
face at Tom, which showed him all was not right. ^ Is
this the way His Majesty's service generally goes on
here ? ' said Sir Arthur, sharply. No one answered ; but
Tom saw, by the long faces of the clerks and the short
question of the visitor, that he was somebody,

^^ ^ Some transports are waiting for ordnance stores,
and I am referred to this office,' said Sir Arthur; ^can
any one give me a satisfactory answer ? '

** The senior clerk present (for the head of the office
was absent) came forward and said, ' I believe, sir *

" * You believe^ but you don't know^ said Sir Arthur ;
^so I must wait for stores while you are playing tom-
foolery here. I '11 report this.' Then producing a
little tablet and a pencil, he turned to Tom and said,
* Favour me with your name, sir ? ' ,

C4 * I give you my honour, sir,' said Tom.

" * I 'd rather you 'd give me the stores, sir, I '11
trouble you for your name ? '

*' * Upon my honour^ sir,' said Tom, again.

(^ ( You seem to have a great deal of that article on
your hands, sir,' said Sir Arthur : ^ you 're an Irishman,
I suppose ? '

*' ' Yes, sir,' said Tom.

" ' I thought so. Your name ? '

" * Loftus, sir.'

"'Ely family?'

* No, sir.'

"* Glad of it.'

" He put up his tablet after writing the name.

" ' May I beg the fevour to know, sir,' said Tom,
' to whom I have the honour of addressing myself ? '



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Handy Andy 415

***Sir Arthur Wellesley, sir/

a c Oh ! J 8 ! ' cried Tom, ' I 'm done ! '

^^ Sir Arthur could not help laughing at the extra-
ordinary change in Tom's countenance ; and Tom,
taking advantage of this relaxation in his iron manner,
said in a most penitent tone, * Oh, Sir Arthur Wellesley,
only forgive me this time, and 'pon my sowl^ says he
with the richest brogue ' I '11 play a Te Deum for the
first licking you give the French/ Sir Arthur smiled
and left the office."

'* Did he report as he threatened ? " asked the
Squire.

" 'Faith, he did.*'

*' And Tom ?" inquired Dick.

" Was sent back to Ireland, sir."

^^That was hard, after the Duke smiled at him,"
said Murphy.

** Well, he did not let him suiFer in pocket ; he was
transferred at as a good a salary to a less important
department ; but you know the Duke has been cele-
brated all his life for never overlooking a breach of
duty."

^ And who can blame him ? " said Moriarty.

" One great advantage of the practice has been,"
said the Squire, ^^ that no man has been better served.
I remember hearing a striking instance of what, perhaps,
might be called severe justice, which he exercised on
a young and distinguished officer of artillery in Spain ;
and though one cannot help pitying the case of the
gallant young fellow who was the sacrifice, yet the
question of strict duty, to the very word^ was set at rest
for ever under the Duke's command, and it saved much
^/r-trouble by making every officer satisfied, however
fiery his courage or tender hb sense of being suspected
of the white feather, that implicit obedience was the
course he must pursue. The case was this : the army
was going into action "



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4i6 Handy Andy

" What action was it ? " inquired Father Phil, with
that remarkable alacrity which men of peace evince
in hearing the fullest particulars about war, perhaps
because it is forbidden to their cloth ; one of the many
instances of things acquiring a fictitious value by being
interdicted just as Father Phil himself might have
been a Protestant only for the penal laws.

^^ I don't know what action it was," said the Squire,
** nor the officer's name for I don't set up for a mili-
tary chronicler ; but it was, as I have been telling you,
going into action that the Duke posted an officer, with
his six guns, at a certain point, telling him to remain
there until he had orders from him. Away went the
rest of the army, and the officer was left doing nothing
at all, which he did n't like; for he was one of those
high-blooded gentlemen who are never so happy as
when they are making other people miserable, and he
was longing for the head of a French column to be
hammering away at. In half an hour or so he heard
the distant sound of action, and it approached nearer
and nearer, until he heard it close behind him ; and he
wondered rather that he was not invited to take a share
in it, when, pat to his thought, up came an aide^e-camp
at full speed, telling him that General Somebody ordered
him to bring up his guns. The officer asked did not
the order come from Lord Wellington ? The aide-de^
camp said no, but from the General, whoever he was.
The officer explained that he was placed there by Lord
Wellington, under command not to move, unless by an
order from himself. The aide^e^amp stated that the
General's entire brigade was being driven in and must
be annihilated without the aid of the guns, and asked,
' would he let a whole brigade be slaughtered ? ' in
a tone which wounded the young soldier's pride, savour-
ing, as he thought it did, of an imputation on his
courage. He immediately ordered his guns to move
and joined battle with the General ; but while he was



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Handy Andy 417

away, an atde^^camp from Lord Wellington rode up
to where the guns had been posted^ and, of course, no
gun was to be had for the service which Lord Welling-
ton required. Well, the French were repulsed, as it
happened ; but the want of those six guns seriously
marred a preconcerted movement of the Duke's, and
the officer in command of them was immediately
brought to a court-martial, and would have lost his
commission but for the universal interest made in
his favour by the general officers in consideration of
his former meritorious conduct and distinguished gallan-
try, and under the peculiar circumstances of the case.
They did not break him, but he was suspended, and
Lord Wellington sent him home to England. Almost
every general officer in the army endeavoured to get
his sentence revoked, lamenting the fiite of a gallant
fellow being sent away for a slight error in judgment
while the army was in hot action ; but Lord Wellington
was inexorable saying he must make an example to
secure himself in the perfect obedience of officers to
their orders ; and it had the effect."

*' Well, that 's what I call hard ! " said Dick.

** My dear Dick," said the Squire, " war is altogether
a hard thing, and a man has no business to be a General
who is n't as hard as his own round shot."

" And what became of the dear young man ? " said
Father Phil, who seemed much touched by the readiness
with which the dear young man set oiF to mow down
the French.

" I can tell you," said Moriarty, ** for I served with
him afterwards in the Peninsula. He was let back
after a year or so, and became so thorough a disciplina-
rian, that he swore, when once he was at his post
* They might kill bis father before his face and he
would n't budge until he had orders.' "

*' A most Christian resolution," said the doctor.

*' Well, I can tell you," said Moriarty, ** of a



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4i8 Handy Andy

Frenchman, who made a greater breach of discipline,
and it was treated more leniently. I heard the stoiy
from the man's own lips, and if I could only give you
his voice and gesture and manner it would amuse you.
What fellows those Frenchmen are, to be sure, for
telling a story ! they make a shrug or a wink have
twenty different meanings, and their claws are most
eloquent one might say they talk on their fingers
and their broken English, I think, helps them.''

"Then give the story, Randal, in his manner,"
said Dick. "I have heard you imitate a Frenchman
capitally."

" Well, here goes," said Moriarty ; " but let me wet
my whistle with a glass of claret before I begin a
French story should have French wine." Randal
tossed off one glass, and filled a second by way of
reserve, and then began the French officer's story.

** You see, sare, it vos ven in Espagne de bivouac vos
vairy ard indeet 'pon us, vor ve coot naut get into de
town at all, nevair, becos you dam Ingelish keep all de
town to yoursefs vor ve hW back at dat time becos
we get not support no corps de reserve^ you perceive
so ve mek retrograde movement not retreat no, no
but retrograde movement. Veil von night I was
wit my picket guart, and it was raining like de devil,
and de vind vos vinding up de valley, so cold as noting
at all, and de dark vos vot you could not see no
not your nose bevore your face. Veil, I hear de tramp
of horse, and I look into de dark for ve vere vairy
moche on the qui vive^ because ve expec de Ingelish to
attaque de next day but I see noting ; but de tramp
of horse come closer and closer, and at last I ask,
* Who is dere ? ' and de tramp of de horse stop. I run
forward, and den I see Ingelish offisair of cavallerie. I
address him, and tell him he is in our lines, but I do not
vant to mek him prisonair for you must know dat he
vos prisonair, if I like, ven he vos vithin our line. He



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Handy Andy 419

is very polite he says, * Bien oblige bon enfant ; *
and we tek oiF our hat to each ozer. ^ I aiF lost my
roat,' he say ; and I say, * Yais * bote I vill put him
into his roat, and so I ask for a moment pardon, and go
back to my caporal, and tell him to be on de qui vive till
I come hack. De Ingelish offisair and me talk very
plaisant vile ve go togezer down de leetel roat, and ven
ve come to de turn, I say, ^ Bon soir^ Monsieur le Capi-
taine dat is your vay.' He den tank me, vera moche
like gentilman, and vish he coot mek me some return for
my genirositiy as he please to say and I say, ^ Bah ! In-
gelish gentilman vood do de same to French offisair who
lose his vay/ * Den come here,' he say, ' bon enfant^ can
you leave your post for *aflF an hour ? ' * Leave my
post ? ' I say. * Yais,' said he, ' I know your army has
not moche provision lately, and maybe you are ongrie ? '
' Mafoi^ yais,' said I ; * I aflF naut slips to my eyes, nor
meat to my stomach, for more dan fife days.' ^ Veil, bon
enfant^ he say, *- come vis me, and I vill gif you good
supper, goot vine, and goot velcome.' ' Coot I leave
my post ? ' I say. He say, ' Bah ! Caporal take care
till you come back.' By gar, I coot naut resist he
vos so vairy moche gentilman and / vos so ongrie I
go vis him not fife hunder yarts ah ! bon Dieu
bow nice ! In de comer of a leetel ruin chapel dere is
nice bit of fire, and hang on a string before it de half of
a kid oh del ! de smell of de ros-hif was so nice I
rub my hands to de fire I sniff de cuisine I see in
anozer corner a couple bottles of wine sacri! it vos
all watair in my mouts ! Ve sit down to suppair I
nevair did ate so moche in my life. Ve did finish de
bones, and vosh down all mid ver good wine excel-
lent ! Ve drink de toast a la gloire and ve talk of
de campaign. Ve drink a la Patrie^ and den / tink of
la belle France and ma douce amie and he fissel, ^ Got
safe de king.' Ve den drink a Famitii^ and shek hands
over dat fire in good frainship dem two hands that



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420 Handy Andy

might cross de swords in de morning. Yais, sair, dat
was fine 't was galliard *t was la vrai chivalrie
two sojair ennemi to share de same kid, drink de same
wine, and talk like two friends. Veil, I got den so
sleepy, dat my eyes go blink, blink, and my goot friend
says to me, * Sleep, old fellow ; I know you aff got hard
fare of late, and you are tired ; sleep, all is quiet for to-
night, and I will call you before dawn.' Sair, I vos so
tired, I forgot my duty, and fall down fast asleep. Veil,
sair, in de night de pickets of de two armie get so close,
and mix up, dat some shot gets fired, and in one moment
all in confusion. I am shake by de shoulder I wake
like from dream I heard shzrip fusillade my friend
cry, * Fly to your post, it is attack ! ' We exchange one
shek of de hand, and I run oiF to my post. Oh^ del !
it is driven in I see dem fly. Oh^ mon desespoir a ce
moment'la ! I am ruin dishortore I rush to de front

I rally mes braves ve stand ! ^ ve advance ! ! ve
regain de post ! ! ! I am safe ! ! ! ! De fusillade cease

it is only an afiair of outposts. I tink 1 am safe I
tink I am very fine fellow but Monsieur F Aide-Major
send for me and speak, ' Vere vos you last night, sair ? '
' I mount guard by de mill.' * Are you sure ? ' ' 0/,
monsieur.^ * Vere vos you when your post vos attack ? '
I saw it vos no use to deny any longair, so I confess to
him everyting. * Sair,* said he, * you rally your men very
good, or you should be shot ! Young man, remember,'
said he I will never forget his vorts * young man,
vine is goot slip is goot goat is goot but honners is
betters ! ' "

" A capiul story, Randal," cried Dick ; ** but how
much of it did you invent ? "

" 'Pon my life, it is as near the original as possible."

^^ Besides, that is not a fair way of using a story,"

said the doctor. ^^ You should take a story as you get

it, and not play the dissector upon it, mangling its poor

body to discover the bit of embellishment ; and as long



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Handy Andy 421

as a raconteur maintains vraisemblance^ I contend you
are bound to receive the whole as true."

" A most author-like creed, doctor," said Dick ;
"you are a story-teller yourself, and enter upon the
defence of your craft with great spirit."

"And justice, too," said the Squire; "the doctor is
quite right."

" Don't suppose I can't see the little touches of the
artist," said the doctor; "but so long as they are in
keeping with the picture, I enjoy them; for instance,
my friend Randal's touch of the Englishman ^fissling
Got safe de King ' is very happy quite in character."

" Well, good or bad, the story in substance is true,"
said Randal, " and puts the Englishman in a fine point
of view a generous fellow, sharing his supper with
his enemy whose sword may be through his body in the
next morning's ' affair.' "

"But the Frenchman was generous to him first,"
remarked the Squire.

" Certainly I admit it," said Randal. " In short,
they were both fine fellows."

"Oh, sir," said Father Phil, "the French are not
deficient in a chivalrous spirit. I heard once a very
pretty little bit of anecdote about the way they behaved
to one of our regiments on a retreat in Spain."

" Tour regiments ! " said Moriarty, who was rather
fond of hitting hard at a priest when he could ; " a regi-
ment of friars is it ? "

"No, captain, but of soldiers; and it 's going through
a river they were, and the French, taking advantage of
their helpless condition, were peppering away at them
hard and fast."

" Very generous indeed ! " said Moriarty, laughing.

" Let me finish my story, captain, before you quiz it.
I say they were peppering them sorely while they were
crossing the river, until some women the followers of
the camp ran down (poor creatures) to the shore, and

VOL. II. 8



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422 Handy Andy

the stream was so deep in the middle they could scarcely
ford it ; so some dragoons who were galloping as hard
as they could out of the fire pulled up on seeing the
condition of the women-kind, and each horseman took
up a woman behind him, though it diminished his own
power of speeding from the danger. The moment the
French saw this act of manly courtesy, they ceased
firing, gave the dragoons a cheer, and as long as the
women were within gunshot, not a trigger was pulled
in the French line, but volleys of cheers instead of ball-
cartridge was sent after the brigade till all the women
were over. Now was n't that generous ? "

^^'Twas a handsome thing!" was the universal
remark.

" And 'faith I can tell you. Captain Moriarty, the
army took advantage of it ; for there was a great struggle
to have the pleasure of the ladies' company over the
river."

^^ I dare say. Father Phil," said the Squire, laughing.

** Throth, Squire," said the padrt^ " fond of the girls
as the soldiers have the reputation of being, they never
liked them better than that same day."

"Yes, yes," said Moriarty, a little piqued, for he
rather affected the " dare-devil," " I see you mean to
insinuate that we soldiers fear fire."

" I did not say * fear,' captain but they 'd like to
get out of it, for all that, and small blame to them
are n't they flesh and blood like ourselves ? "

" Not a bit like you," said Moriarty. " You sleek
and smooth gentlemen who live in luxurious peace know
little of a soldier's danger or feelings."

" Captain, we all have our dangers to go through ;
and may be a priest has as many as a soldier ; and we
only show a difference of taste, after all, in the selection."

" Well, Father Blake, all I know is, that a true sol-
dier fears nothing ! " said Moriarty with energy.

" Maybe so," answered Father Phil, quietly.



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Handy Andy 423

" It is quite clear, however," said Murphy, ** that
war, with all its horrors, can call out occasionally the
finer feelings of our natures , but it is only such redeem-
ing traits as those we have heard which can reconcile
us to it. I remember having heard an incident of war,
myself, which affected me much," said Murphy, who
caught the infection of military anecdote which circled
the table \ and indeed there is no more catching theme
can be started among men, for it may be remarked that
whenever it is broached it flows on until it is rather
more than time to go to the ladies.

*' It was in the earlier portion of the memorable day
of Waterloo," said Murphy, '* that a young officer of the
Guards received a wound which brought him to the
ground. His companions rushed on to seize some point
which their desperate valour was called on to carry, and
he was left, utterly unable to rise, for the wound was in
his foot. He lay for some hours with the thunder of
that terrible day ringing around him, and many a rush
of horse and foot had passed close beside him.
Towards the close of the day he saw one of the Black
Brunswick dragoons approaching, who drew rein as his
eye caught the young Guardsman, pale and almost
fainting, on the ground. He alighted, and finding he
was not mortally wounded, assisted him to rise, hfted
him into his saddle, and helped to support him there
while he walked beside him to the English rear. The
Brunswicker was an old man ; his brow and moustache
were grey ; despair was in his sunken eye, and from
time to time he looked up with an expression of the
deepest yearning into the face of the young soldier, who
saw big tears rolling down the veteran's cheek while he
gazed upon him. * You seem in bitter sorrow, my kind
friend,* said the stripling. ' No wonder,' answered the
old man, with a hollow groan. ^ I and my three boys
were in the same regiment they were alive the morn-
ing of Ligny I am childless to-day. But I have



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424 Handy Andy

revenged them ! ' he said fiercely, and as he spoke he
held out his sword, which was literally red with blood.
* But, oh ! that will not bring me back my boys ! * he
exclaimed, relapsing into his sorrow. * My three gallant
boys!' and again he wept bitterly, till clearing his
eyes from the tears, and looking up in the young soldier's
handsome face, he said tenderly, 'You are like my
youngest one, and I could not let you lie on the field.' "

Even the rollicking Murphy's eyes were moist as he
recited this anecdote ; and as for Father Phil, he was
quite melted, ejaculating in an under tone, ^ Oh, my
poor fellow ! my poor fellow ! "

" So there," said Murphy, " is an example of a man,
with revenge in his heart, and his right arm tired with
slaughter, suddenly melted into gentleness by a resem-
blance to his child."

"'Tis very touching, but very sad," said the Squire.

" My dear sir," said the doctor, with his peculiar dry-
ness, '^ sadness is the principal fruit which warfare must
ever produce. You may talk of glory as long as you
like, but you cannot have your laurel without your
cypress, and though you may select certain bits of senti-
ment out of a mass of horrors, if you allow me, I will
give you one little story which shan't keep you long,
and will serve as a commentary upon war and glory in
general.

" At the peace of 1803, ^ happened to be travelling
through a town in France where a certain count I knew
resided. I waited upon him, and he received me most
cordially, and invited me to dinner. I made the excuse
that I was only en route^ and supplied with but travelling
costume, and therefore not fit to present myself amongst
the guests of such a house as his. He assured me I
should only meet his own family, and pledged himself
for Madame la Comtesse being willing to waive the
ceremony of a grande toiUtte. I went to the house at
the appointed hour, and as I passed through the hall I



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Handy Andy 425

cast a glance at the dining-room and saw a very long
table laid. On arriving at the reception-room, I taxed
the count with having broken faith with me, and was
about making my excuses to the countess when she
assured me the count had dealt honestly by me, for that
I was the only guest to join the family party. Well,
we sat down to dinner, three-and-twenty persons \ my-
self, the count and countess, and their twenty children !
and a more lovely family I never saw ; he a man in the
vigour of life, she a still attractive woman, and these
their offspring lining the table, where the happy eyes of
father and mother glanced with pride and affection from
one side to the other on these future staffs of their old
age. Well, the peace of Amiens was of short duration,
and I saw no more of the count till Napoleon's abdica-
tion. Then I visited France again, and saw my old
friend. But it was a sad sight, sir, in that same house,
where, little more than ten years before, I had seen the
bloom and beauty of twenty children, to sit down with
three all he had left him. His sons had fallen in
battle his daughters had died widowed, leaving but
orphans. And thus it was all over France. While the
public voice shouted ' Glory ! * wailing was in her homes.
Her temple of victory was filled with trophies, but her
hearths were made desolate."

"Still, sir, a true soldier fears nothing," repeated
Moriarty.

" Baithershin,'* said Father Phil. *' 'Faith I have been
in places of danger you 'd be glad to get out of, I can
tell you, as bould as you are, captain."

" You '11 pardon me for doubting you. Father Blake,"
said Moriarty, rather huffed.

" 'Faith then you would n't like to be where I was
before I came here ; that is, in a mud cabin, where I
was giving the last rites to six people dying in the
typhus fever."

" Typhus ! " exclaimed Moriarty, growing pale, and






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426 Handy Andy

instinctively withdrawing his chair as far as he could
from the padre beside whom he sat.

" Ay, typhus, sir ; most inveterate typhus."

" Gracious Heaven ! " said Moriarty, rising, " how
can you do such a dreadful thing as run the risk of bear-
ing infection into society ? "

" I thought soldiers were not afraid of anything," said
Father Phil, laughing at him ; and the rest of the party
joined in the merriment.

" Fairly hit, Moriarty," said Dick.

"Nonsense," said Moriarty 5 "when I spoke of
danger, I meant such open danger as in short, not
such insidious lurking abomination as infection ; for
I contend that "

"Say no more, Randal," said Growling, "you'rt
done ! Father Phil has floored you."

" I deny it," said Moriarty, warmly ; but the more
he denied it, the more every one laughed at him.

" You 're more frightened than hurt, Moriarty," said
the Squire ; " for the best of the joke is. Father Phil
was n't in contact with typhus at all, but was riding
with me and 'tis but a joke."

Here they all roared at Moriarty, who was exces-
sively angry, but felt himself in such a ridiculous posi-
tion that he could not quarrel with anybody.

" Pardon me, my dear captain," said the Father ;
"I only wanted to show you that a poor priest has
to run the risk of his life just as much as the boldest
soldier of them all. But don't you think. Squire, 't is
time to join the ladies ? I 'm sure the X2.y will be tired
waiting for us."



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CHAPTER XXXIII

MRS. EGAN was engaged in some needlework, and
Fanny turning over the leaves of a music-book,
and occasionally humming some bars of her favourite
songs, as the gentlemen came into the drawing-room.
Fanny rose from the pianoforte as they entered.

" Oh, Miss Dawson," exclaimed Moriarty, " why
tantalise us so much as to let us see you seated in that
place where you can render so much delight, only to
leave it as we enter ? "

Fanny turned oiF the captain's flourishing speech with
a few lively words and a smile, and took her seat
at the tea-table to do the honours.

" The captain," said Father Phil to the doctor, ** is
equally great in love or war."

'* And knows about as little of one as the other,"
said the doctor. " His attacks are too open."

** And therefore easily foiled," said Father Phil.
** How that pretty creature, with the turn of a word
and a curl of her lip, upset him that time ! Oh ! what
a powerful thing a woman's smile is, doctor ? I often
congratulate myself that my calling puts all such mun-
dane follies and attractions out of my way, when I
see and know what fools wise men are sometimes made
by silly girls. Oh, it is fearful, doctor; though, of
course, part of the mysterious dispensation of an all-wise
Providence."

" That fools should have the mastery, is it ? " in-
quired the doctor, drily, with a mischievous query in his
eye as well.



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428 Handy Andy

"Tut, tut, tut, doctor," replied Father Phil, im-
patiently; "you know well enough what I mean, and
I won't allow you to engage me in one of your ingenious
battles of words. I speak of that wonderful influence
of the weaker sex over the stronger, and how the word
of a rosy lip outweighs sometimes the resolves of a
furrowed brow ; and how the - pooh ! pooh ! I 'm
making a fool of myself talking to you but to make
a long story short, I would rather wrastle out a logical
dispute any day, or a tough argument of one of the
fathers, than refute some absurdity which fell from a
pretty mouth with a smile on it."

" Oh, I quite agree with you," said the doctor, grin-
ning, "that the fathers are not half such dangerous
customers as the daughters."

" Ah, go along with you, doctor ! " said Father Phil,
with a good-humoured laugh. "I see you are in one
of your mischievous moods, and so I '11 have nothing
more to say to you."

The Father turned away to join the Squire, while the
doctor took a seat near Fanny Dawson and enjoyed
a quiet little bit of conversation with her, while Moriarty
was turning over the leaves of her album; but the
brow of the captain, who affected a taste in poetry,
became knit, and his lip assumed a contemptuous curl,
as he perused some lines, and asked Fanny whose was
the composition.

" I forget," was Fanny's answer.

" I don't wonder," said Moriarty ; " the author is not
worth remembering, for they are very rough."

Fanny did not seem pleased with the criticism,
and said that, when sung to the measure of the air
written down on the opposite page, they were very
flowing.

" But the principal phrase, the * refrain^ I may say,
is so vulgar," added Moriarty, returning to the charge.
" The gentleman says, ' What would you do ? * and the



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Handy Andy 429

lady answers, ' That 's what I M do/ Do you call that
poetry ? "

" I don't call that poetry," said Fanny, with some
emphasis on the word \ ^^ but if you connect those two
phrases with what is intermediately written, and read all
in the spirit of the entire of the verses, I think there is
poetiy in them but if not poetry^ ceminly feeling "

" Can you tolerate * That 's what Pd do' f the pert
answer of a housemaid."

" A phrase in itself homely," answered Fanny, " may
become elevated by the use to which it is applied."

*' Quite true. Miss Dawson," said the doctor, joining
in the discussion. ^' But what are these lines which
excite Randal's ire ? "

" Here they are," said Moriarty. " I will read them,
if you allow me, and then judge between Miss Dawson
and me.

" What will you do, love, when I am going.
With white sail flowing.

The seas beyond ?
What will you do, love, when ' **

**Stop thief! stop thief!" cried the doctor.
" Why, you are robbing the poet of his reputation
as fast as you can. You don't attend to the rhythm
of those lines you don't give the ringing of the
verse."

"That's just what I have said in other words," said
Fanny. " When sung to the melody, they are smooth."

" But a good reader. Miss Dawson," said the doctor,
** will read verse with the proper accent, just as a musi-
cian would divide it into bars ; but my friend Randal
there, although he can tell a good story and hit off prose
very well, has no more notion of rhythm or poetry than
new beer has of a holiday."

'' And why, pray, has not new beer a notion of a
holiday?"

" Because, sir, it works of a Sunday."



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430 Handy Andy

*' Your heer may be new, doctor, but your joke is not
I have seen it before in some old form/'

^^ Well, sir, if I found it in its old form, like a hare,
and started it fresh, it may do for folks to run after as
well as anything else. But you shan't escape your
misdemeanour in mauling those verses as you have
done, by finding fault with my joke redevivus. You
read those lines, sir, like a bellman, without any atten-
tion to metre."

"To be sure," said Father Phil, who had been listen-
ing for some time ; "they have a ring in them "

** Like a pig's nose," said the doctor.

** Ah, be aisy," said Father Phil. ** I say they have a
ring in them like an owld Latin canticle

** * What nuill you do^ love, when I am go-mg^

With white sail^oi4;-ingy

The says ht-yond t '
That 'sit!"

" To be sure," said the doctor. ^ I vote for the
Father's reading them out on the spot."

" Pray, do. Mister Blake," said Fanny.

" Ah, Miss Dawson, what have I to do with reading
love verses ? "

" Take the book, sir," said Growling, '* and show me
you have some faith in your own sayings, by obeying a
lady directly."

" Pooh ! pooh ! " said the priest.

" You won't refuse me ? " said Fanny, in a coaxing
tone.

" My dear Miss Dawson," said the padre.

^^ Father Phil!^* said Fanny, with one of her rosy
smiles.

" Oh, wow ! wow ! wow ! " ejaculated the priest, in
an amusing embarrassment, " I see you will make me
do whatever you like." So Father Phil gave the rare
example of a man acting up to his own theory, and could
not resist the demand that came from a pretty mouth.



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Handy Andy 431

He took the book and read the lines with much feeling,
but with an observance of rhythm so grotesque, that it
must be given in his own manner.



WHAT WILL YOU DO, LOVE?



" What nvill you do^ love, when I am ^-ing.

With white faj\ fi(nu^\xi%^

The seas be-yondf

What nvill you Jo, love, when waves di-*vide us.

And friends may chUe us.

For being ///'"

** Though waves ^a^^ide us, and friends be rAi-ding,
In faith a-^i-ding,

I Ml still be /nf/;
And I *11 pray for thu on the stormy 0-cean,
In deep de-a;o-tion,

Thafswyitf/I'Udo!"



What nvould you do, love, if distant //-dings
Thy fond con^/f-dings

Should under-Mi/
And I a-^i-ding *neath sultry skies.

Should think other eyes

Were as bright as thine f '*

Oh, name it not ,* though guilt and shame
Were on thy name,

I'd still ht true-.
But that heart of thine, should another share it,
I could not bear it ;

What wtfii/i/ I do?''

Ill

What nuould you do, when, home re-ftim-ing,

With hopes high ^nr-ing,

With wealth forjou,
If my bark, that bound-td o'er foreign y^ain.

Should be lost near home,

Ah, what ivouU you do ? '*



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432 Handy Andy

** So thou wcrt spar-d^ I 'd bless the iw^-row.
In want and ior-rowy

That left mtjou |

And I M welcome thei from the wasting bilAow,

My heart thy /lAlow !

That's wkat I'd do!''i

" Well done, padre ! " said the doctor 5 " with good
emphasis and discretion.'*

" And now, my dear Miss Dawson/* said Father Phil,
^^ since I Ve read the lines at your high bidding, will you
sing them for me at my humble asking ? ''

" Veiy antithetically put, indeed,** said Fanny ; '* but
you must excuse me.**

" You said there was a tune to it ? **

^^ Yes ; but I promised Captain Moriarty to sing him
/A/x,** said Fanny, going over to the pianoforte, and lay-
ing her hand on an open music-book.

"Thanks, Miss Dawson,** said Moriarty, following
fast.

Now, it was not that Fanny Dawson liked the captain
that she was going to sing the song ; but she thought he
had been rather ** mahhed '* by the doctor and the padre
about the reading of the verses, and it was her good
breeding which made her pay this little attention to the
worsted party. She poured forth her sweet voice in a
simple melody to the following words :

1 Note to the third edition. The foregoing dialogue and
Moriarty *s captious remarks were meant , when they appeared in
the first edition, as a hit at a certain small critic a would-be song-
writer who does ill-natured articles for the Reviews, and ex-
pressed himself very contemptuously of my songs because of their
simplicity ; or, as he was pleased to phrase it, ** I had a knack of
putting common things together.** The song was written to illus-
trate my belief that the most common-place expression, appropri-
ately applied^ may successfully serve the purposes of the lyric \ and
here experience has proved me right, for this very song of " What
will you do ? ** (containing within it the other common-place,
That *s what I *d do **) has been received with special favour by
the public, whose long-continued goodwill towards my composi-
tions generally I gratefully acknowledge.



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Handy Andy 433

SAY NOT MY HEART IS COLD



Say not my heart is cold.

Because of a silent tongue 1
The lute of faultless mould

In silence oft hath hung.
The fountain soonest spent

Doth babble down the steep \
But the stream that en)er went

Is silent, strong, and deep.



The charm of a secret life

Is given to choicest things :
Of flowers, the fragrance rife

Is wafted on viewless wings }
We see not the charmed air

Bearing some witching sound )
And ocean deep is where

The pearl of price is found.

in

* Where are the stars by day ?

They bum, though all unseen I
And love of purest ray

Is like the stars, I ween :
Unmarked is the gentle light

When the sunshine of joy appears.
But ever, in sorrow's night,

'T will glitter upon thy tears ! "

" Well, Randal, does that poem satisfy your critical
taste ? of the singing there can be but one opinion."

"Yes, I think it pretty," said Moriarty; "but there
is one word in the last verse I object to."

" Which is that ? " inquired Growling.

" Weeni' said the other ; " ' the stars, I ween,* I ob-
ject to."

" Don't you see the meaning of that } " inquired the
doctor. " I think it is a very happy allusion."



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434 Handy Andy

*' I don't see any allusion whatever," said the critic.

^ Don't you see the poet alluded to the stars in the
milky way, and says, therefore, * The stars I wean ' ?*'

^^ Bah ! bah ! doctor," exclaimed the critical captain ;
^you are in one of your quizzing moods to-night, and
*t is in vain to expect a serious answer from you," He
turned on his heel as he spoke, and went away.

" Moriarty, you know, Miss Dawson, is a man who
aiFects a horror of puns, and therefore I always punish
him with as many as I can," said the doctor, who was
left by Moriarty's sudden pique to the enjoyment of a
pleasant chat with Fanny, and he was sorry when the
hour arrived which disturbed it by the breaking up of
the party and the departure of the guests.



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CHAPTER XXXIV

WHEN the Widow Rooney was forcibly ejected
from the house of Mrs. James Casey, and
found that Andy was not the possessor of that lady's
charms, she posted off to Neck-or-Nothing Hall, to
hear the full and true account of the transaction from
Andy himself. On arriving at the old iron gate, and
pulling the loud bell, she was spoken to through the
bars by the savage old janitor and told to ^^ go out o'
that." Mrs. Rooney thought fate was using her hard
in decreeing she was to receive denial at eveiy door, and
endeavoured to obtain a parley with the gate-keeper, to
which he seemed no way inclined.

" My name 's Rooney, sir ? "

'' There *s plenty bad o' the name," was the civil
rejoinder.

" And my son *s in Squire O'Grady's sarvice, sir."

u Oh you 're the mother of the beauty we call
Handy, eh ? "

^ Yis, sir."

" Well, he left the sarvice yistherday."

" Is it lost the place ? "

" Yis."

" Oh dear ! Ah, sir, let me up to the house and
spake to his honour, and maybe he'll take back the
boy."

"He doesn't want any more servants at all for
he 's dead."

** Is it Squire O'Grady dead ? "



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436 Handy Andy

'* Aye did you never hear of a dead squire before ? **

" What did he die of, sir ? "

^^ Find out/' said the sulky brute, walking back into
his den.

It was true the renowned O'Grady was no more.
The fever which had set in from his *' broiled bones,"
which he would have in spite of anybody, was found
difficult of abatement ; and the impossibility of keeping
him quiet, and his fits of passion, and consequent fresh
supplies of ^ broiled bones,'' rendered the malady un-
manageable ; and the very day after Andy had left the
house the fever took a bad turn, and in four-and-twenty
hours the stormy O'Grady was at peace.

What a sudden change fell upon the house ! All the
wedding paraphernalia which had been brought down
lay neglected in the rooms where it had been the object
of the preceding day's admiration. The deep, absorbing,
silent grief of the wife, the more audible sorrow of
the girls, the subdued wildness of the reckless boys,
as they trod silently past the chamber where they no
longer might dread reproof for their noise, all this was
less touching than the effect the event had upon the old *
dowager mother. While the senses of others were
stunned by the blow, hers became awakened by the
shock ; all her absurd aberration passed away, and she
sat in intellectual self-possession by the side of her son's
death-bed, which she never left until he was laid in his
coffin. He was the first and last of her sons. She had
now none but grandchildren to look upon the inter-
mediate generation had passed away, and the gap
yawned fearfully before her. It restored her, for the
time, perfectly to her senses \ and she gave the neces-
sary directions on the melancholy occasion, and superin-
tended all the sad ceremonials befitting the time, with a
calm and dignified resignation which impressed all
around her with wonder and respect.

Superadded to the dismay which the death of the head



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Handy Andy 437

of a family produces was the terrible fear which existed
that O'Grady's body would be seized for debt a
barbarous practice, which, shame to say, is still per-
mitted. This fear made great precaution necessary to
prevent persons approaching the house, and accounts
for the extra gruffiiess of the gate porter. The wild
body-guard of the wild chief was on doubly active duty ;
and after four-and-twenty hours had passed over the
reckless boys, the interest they took in sharing and
directing this watch and ward seemed to outweigh all
sorrowful consideration for the death of their father.
As for Gustavus, the consciousness of being now the
master of Neck-or-Nothing Hall was apparent in a boy
not yet fifteen ; and not only in himself, but in the grey-
headed retainers about him, this might be seen : there
was a shade more of deference the boy was merged
in " the young master!^ But we must leave the house
of mourning for the present, and follow the Widow
Rooney, who, as she tramped her way homeward, was
increasing in hideousness of visage every hour. Her
nose was twice its usual dimensions, and one eye was
perfectly useless in showing her the road. At last,
however, as evening was closing, she reached her cabin,
and there was Andy, arrived before her, and telling
Oonah, his cousin, all his misadventures of the preced-
ing day.

The history was stopped for a while by their mutual
explanations and condolences with Mrs. Rooney, on the
" cruel way her poor face was used."

" And who done it all ? " said Oonah.

" Who but that born divil, Matty Dwyer and sure
they towld me you were married to her,** said she to
Andy.

^^ So I was,** said Andy, beginning the account of his
misfortunes afresh to his mother, who from time to time
would break in with indiscriminate maledictions on
Andy, as well as his forsworn damsel ; and when the

VOL. II. 9



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438 Handy Andy

account was ended, she poured out a torrent of abuse
upon her unfortunate forsaken son, which riveted him to
the floor in utter amazement.

"I thought I*d get pity here, at all events," said
poor Andy ; " but instead o' that it \ the worst word
and the hardest name in your jaw you have for me."

" And sarve you right, you dirty cur," said his
mother. " I ran off like a fool when I heerd of your
good fortune, and see the condition that baggage left me
in my teeth knocked in and my eye knocked out,
and all for your foolery, because you could n't keep
what you got."

" Sure, mother, I tell you "

" Howld your tongue, you omadhaun ! And then I
go to Squire O'Grady's to look for you, and there I
hear you lost that place, too."

" Faix, it *s little loss," said Andy.

^^ That 's all you know about it, you goose ; you lose
the place just when the man 's dead and you 'd have had
a shuit o' mournin'. Oh, you are the most misfortu-
nate divil, Andy Rooney, this day in Ireland why did
I rear you at all ? "

^^ Squire O'Grady dead ! " said Andy, in surprise and
also with regret for his late master.

" Yis and you 've lost the mournin' augh ! "

" Oh, the poor Squire ! " said Andy.

" The iligant new clothes ! " grumbled Mrs. Rooney.
" And then luck tumbles into your way such as man
never had ; without a place, or a rap to bless your-
self with, you get a rich man's daughter for your wife,
and you let her slip through your fingers."

" How could I help it ? " said Andy.

** Augh ! you bothered the job just the way you
do everything," said his mother.

^ Sure I was civil-spoken to her."

'' Augh ! " said his mother.

" And took no liberty."



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Handy Andy 439

** You goose ! ''

'* And called her Miss."

" Oh, indeed you missed it altogether.'*

^ And said I was n't desarvin' of her."

*' That was thrue hut you should not have towld her
so. Make a woman think you 're betther than her,
and she '11 like you."

" And sure, when I enday voured to make myself
agreeable to her "

^ Endayvoured ! ^* repeated the old woman contemp-
tuously. ^'^Endayvoured, indeed ! Why did n't you
make yourself agreeable at once, you poor dirty goose ?
no, but you went sneaking about it I know as well
as if i was looking at you you went sneakin' and
snivelin' until the girl took a disgust to you ; for there 's
nothing a woman despises so much as shilly-shallying."

** Sure, you won't hear my defince," said Andy.

" Oh, indeed you 're betther at defince than attack,"
said his mother.

" Sure, the first little civil'ty I wanted to pay to her,
she took up the three-legged stool to me."

** The divil mend you ! And what civil'ty did you
offer her?"

^^ I made a grab at her cap, and I thought she 'd
have brained me."

Oonah set up such a shout of laughter at Andy's
notion of civility to a girl, that the conversation was
stopped for some time, and her aunt remonstrated with
her at her want of common sense ; or, as she said,
had n't she '* more decency than to laugh at the poor
fool's nonsense?"

^ What could I do agen the three-legged stool ? "
said Andy.

"Where was your own legs, and your own arms,
and your own eyes, and your own tongue ? eh ? "

"And sure I tell you it was all ready conthrived,
and James Casey was sent for, and came."



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440 Handy Andy

" Yi$," said the mother, '* but not for a long time,
you towld me yourself; and what were you doing all
that time ? Sure, supposing you wor only a new ac-
quaintance, any man worth a day's mate would have
discoorsed her over in the time and made her sinsible
he was the best of husbands.''

^^ I tell you she would n't let me have her ear at all,"
said Andy.

** Nor her cap either," said Oonah, laughing.

" And then Jim Casey kem."

*' And why did you let him in ? "

** It was she let him in, I tell you."

" And why did you let her ? He was on the wrong
side of the door that 's the outside ; and you on the
right that 's the imide ; and it was your house, and she
was your wife, and you were her masther, and you had
the rights of the church, and the rights of the law, and
all the rights on your side ; barrin' right rayson that
you never had ; and sure without thatj what 's the use
of all the other rights in the world ? "

'* Sure, had n't he his friends, sthrong^ outside ? "

** No matther, if the door was n't opened to them, for
then YOU would have had a stronger friend than any o'
them present among them."

" Who ? " inquired Andy.

'* The hangman^* answered his mother ; *' for break-
ing doors is hanging matther \ and I say the presence
of the hangman 's always before people when they have
such a job to do, and makes them think twice some-
times before they smash once ; and so you had only to
keep one woman's hands quiet."

^^ Faix, some of them would smash a door as soon as
not," said Andy.

" Well, then, you 'd have the satisfaction of hanging
them," said the mother, " and that would be some con-
solation. But even as it is, I '11 have law for it
I will for the property is yours, any how, though the



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Handy Andy 441

girl is gone and indeed a brazen baggage she is, and
is mighty heavy in the hand. Oh, my poor eye ! it 's
like a coal of fire but sure it was worth the risk liv-
ing with her for the sake of the purty property. And
sure I was thinkin' what a pleasure it would be living
with you, and tachin' your wife housekeepin', and bring-
ing up the young turkeys and the childhre but, och
hone, you '11 never do a bit o' good, you that got sitch
careful bringin' up, Andy Rooney ! Did n't I tache
you manners, you dirty hanginbone blackguard ? Did n't
I tache you your blessed religion ? may the divil
sweep you ! Did I ever prevent you from sharing the
lavings of the pratees with the pig ? and did n't you
often clane out the pot with him ? and you 're no
good afther all. I 've turned my honest penny by
the pig, but I '11 never make my money of ym^ Andy
Rooney ! "

There was some minutes' silence after this eloquent
outbreak of Andy's mother, which was broken at last
by Andy uttering a long sigh and an ejaculation.

" Och ? it 's a fine thing to be a gintleman," said
Andy.

" Cock you up ! " said his mother. *' Maybe it 's
a gintleman you want to be ; what puts that in your
head, you omadbaun ? "

" Why, because a gintleman has no hardships, com-
pared with one of uz. Sure, if a gintleman was mar-
ried, his wife would n't be tuk off from him the way
mine was."

" Not so soon, maybe," said the mother, drily.

" And if a gintleman brakes a horse's heart, he 's only
a * howld rider^ while a poor sarvant is a ' careless black-
guard ' for only taking a sweat out of him. If a gintle-
man dhrlnks till he can't see a hole in a laddher, he *s
only ^feeshy but ^ dhrunk' is the word for a poor
man. And if a gintleman kicks up a row, he 's a * fine
sperited fellow,' while a poor man is a * disordherly



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442 Handy Andy

vagabone * for the same ; and the Justice axes the one
to dinner and sends th' other to jail. Oh, faix, the
law is a dainty lady ; she takes people by the hand who
can alFord to wear gloves, but people with brown fists
must keep their distance."

^ I often remark/' said his mother, ^ that fools spake
mighty sinsible betimes ; but their wisdom all goes with
their gab. Why did n't you take a betther grip of your
luck when you had it? You're wishing you wor a
gintleman, and yet when you had the best part of
a gintleman (the property, I mane) put into your way,
you let it slip through your fingers ; and afther lettin*
a fellow take a rich wife from you and turn you out of
your own house, you sit down on a stool there, and
begin to wish indeed! you sneakin' fool wish,
indeed ! Och ! if you wish with one hand, and wash
with th* other, which will be clane first eh ? "

" What could I do agen eight ? " asked Andy.

^^ Why did you let them in, I say again ? " said the
mother, quickly.

" Sure the blame was n't with me,'* said Andy, " but
with "

^^ Whisht, whisht, you goose ! " said his mother.
" Av course you '11 blame every one and everything but
yourself * The losing horse blames the saddle.* "

"Well, maybe it's all for the best," said Andy,
" afther all."

" Augh, howld your tongue ! "

" And if it wasnt to be, how could it be ? "

" Listen to him ! "

** And Providence is over us all."

" Oh ! yis ! " said the mother. " When fools make
mistakes they lay the blame on Providence. How have
you the impidence to talk o' Providence in that manner ?
ril tell you where the Providence was. Providence
sent you to Jack Dwyer's, and kep Jim Casey away,
and put the anger into owld Jack's heart that 's what



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Handy Andy 443

the Providence did ! and made the opening for you
to spake up, and gave you a wife a wife with property !
Ah, there 's where the Providence was ! and you
were the masther of a snug house that was Provi-
dence ! And would n't myself have been the one to be
helping you in the farm rearing the powlts, milkin'
the cow, makin' the iligant butther, with lavings of
butthermilk for the pigs the sow thriving, and the
cocks and hens cheering your heart with their cacklin'
the hank o' yarn on the wheel, and a hank of ingins
up the chimbley oh ! there 's where the Providence
would have been that would have been Providence
indeed! but never tell me that Providence turned you
out of the house ; that was your own goostherumfoodle.**

'' Can*t he take the law o' them, aunt ? " inquired
Oonah.

" To be sure he can and shall, too," said the
mother. ** I '11 be off to 'tomey Murphy to-morrow ;
I '11 pursue her for my eye, and Andy for the property,
and I '11 put them all in Chancery, the villains ! "

" It 's Newgate they ought to be put in," said Andy.

** Tut, you fool. Chancery is worse than Newgate :
for people sometimes get out of Newgat?, but they
never get out of Chancery, I hear."

As Mrs. Rooney spoke, the latch of the door was
raised, and a miserably clad woman entered, closed the
door immediately after her, and placed the bar against
it. The action attracted the attention of all the inmates
of the house, for the doors of the peasantry are uni-
versally ** left on the latch," and never secured against
intrusion until the family go to bed.

^ God save all here ! " said the woman, as she
approached the fire.

"Oh, is that you, ragged Nance?" said Mrs.
Rooney; for that was the unenviable but descriptive
title the new-comer was known by : and though she
knew it for her soubriquet^ yet she also knew Mrs.



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444 Handy Andy

Rooney would not call her by it if she were not in ac
ill temper, so she began humbly to explain the cause of
her visit, when Mrs. Rooney broke in gruffly

^^ Oh, you always make out a good rayson for com-
ing ; but we have nothing for you to-night."

" Throth, you do me wrong," said the beggar, " if
you think I came shooling} It's only to keep harm
from the innocent girl here."

^ Arrah, what harm would happen her, woman ? "
returned the widow, savagely, rendered more morose
by the humble bearing of her against whom she directed
her severity ; as if she got more angry the less the poor
creature would give her cause to justify her harshness.
*' Is n't she undher my roof here ? "

^ But how long may she be left there ? " asked the
woman, significantly.

*^ What do you mane, woman ? "

^^I mane there's a plan to carry her oiF from you
to-night."

Oonah grew pale with true terror, and the widow
screeched, after the more approved manner of elderly
ladies making believe they are very much shocked, till
Nance reminded her that crying would do no good, and
that it was requisite to make some preparation against
the approaching danger. Various plans were hastily
suggested, and as hastily relinquished, till Nance ad-
vised a measure which was deemed the best. It was to
dress Andy in female attire and let him be carried off
in place of the girl. Andy roared with laughter at the
notion of being made a girl of, and said the trick
would instantly be seen through.

'* Not if you act your part well ; just keep down the
giggle, jewel, and put on a moderate phillelew^ and do
the thing nice and steady, and you '11 be the saving of
your cousin here."

** Tou may deceive them with the dhress \ and / may

^ Going on chance here and there^ to pick up what one can.



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Handy Andy 445

do a bit of a small shilloo^ like a colleen in disthress, and
that 's all very well," said Andy, " as far as seeing and
hearing goes; but when they come to grip me, sure
they '11 find out in a minute."

" We '11 stuff you out well with rags and sthraw, and
they '11 never know the differ besides, remember, the
fellow that wants a girl never comes for her himself,^
but sends his friends for her, and they won't know the
differ besides, they 're all dhrunk."

" How do you know ? "

" Because they 're always dhrunk that same crew ;
and if they 're not dhrunk to-night, it 's the first time
in their lives they ever were sober. So make haste,
now, and put off your coat, till we make a purty young
colleen out o' you."

It occurred now to the widow that it was a service
of great danger Andy was called on to perform; and
with all her abuse of ^^ omadhaun " she did not like the
notion of putting him in the way of losing his life,
perhaps.

" They '11 murdher the boy, maybe, when they find
out the chate," said the widow.

" Not a bit," said Nance.

" And suppose they did," said Andy, " I 'd rather die,
sure, than the disgrace should fall upon Oonah, there."

" God bless you, Andy dear ! " said Oonah. " Sure,
you have the kind heart, anyhow ; but I would n't for
the world hurt or harm should come to you on my
account."

" Oh, don't be afeard ! " said Andy, cheerily ; " divil a
hair I value all they can do ; so dhress me up at once."

After some more objections on the part of his mother,
which Andy overruled, the women all joined in making
up Andy into as tempting an imitation of feminality as
they could contrive; but to bestow the roundness of
outline on the angular form of Andy was no easy
1 This is mostly the case.



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446 Handy Andy

matter, and required more rags than the house afforded^
so some straw was indispensable, which the pig's bed
only could supply. In the midst of their fears, the
women could not help laughing as they effected some
likeness to their own forms, with their stuffing and pad-
ding j but to carry off the width of Andy's shoulders re-
quired a very ample and voluptuous outline indeed, and
Andy could not help wishing the straw was a little
sweeter which they were packing under his nose. At
last, however, after soaping down his straggling hair on
his forehead, and tying a bonnet upon his head to shade
his face as much as possible, the disguise was com-
pleted, and the next move was to put Oonah in a place
of safety.

^^ Get upon the hurdle in the comer, under the
thatch," said Nance.

" Oh, I 'd be afeard o' my life to stay in the house
at aU."

" You 'd be safe enough, I tell you," said Nance ;
"for once. they see that fine young woman there, point-
ing to Andy, and laughing, " they '11 be satisfied with
the lob we 've made for them,"

Oonah still expressed her fear of remaining in the
cabin.

" Then hide in the pratee-trench, behind the house."

" That 's better," said Oonah.

"And now I must be going," said Nance; " for they
must not see me when they come."

" Oh, don't leave me, Nance dear," cried Oonah, " for
I 'm sure I '11 faint with the fright when I hear them
coming, if some one is not with me."

Nance yielded to Oonah's fears and entreaties, and
with many a blessing and boundless thanks for the
beggar-woman's kindness, Oonah led the way to the
little potato garden at the back of the house, and there
the women squatted themselves in one of the trenches
and awaited the impending event.



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4 40 Handy u4ndy

ni'^rr-, i-* ', . red n:orf 'Uc;s than the hnisc a.Foni*""
so ^f*' I'* - w-is InUKsoensable, \\;[iich the pi:! s K; .
u'.\' .. "J .; ^,^'^ -V- i^i ^^t* midst uf their fears, il.
V r'- . ...I ;i t help hiuehing as they effected so.t
!*'.. ;. t-j 'l.e r ()**vij torni^, with fh.ir stunting and p^-'
f. i* u* t.i.iv otf' the.wyith of Anay's shoulders ri-
.., . ; .1 \:\\ .1 : 'e and vu-uptuo'is outline indeed, a:'..
.- ., e.n.j It help wisliing the straw was a htil.
..^lr v-.' :he' Wire packiiu^ under his nose. A
^v, h ;'\-*" '^ ;itrer shaping down his st^a;^]I^o; hair oi
ins roiehra-,' J. id u ic a bonnet ujjon his head to shad-.
hi^' taee as nn;- h i*^ possible, the disguise was co.n-
pletea, and thf m^ ti move was to put Oonah in a pluv

fr,- hurdle in the corner, under tb*
. .. c.
a.'.ard o' my life to stay in the heu.

s. re cnout^h, I tell yc)u," said Nanrc
see that fine joung woman there, poiiit
iy, and laughmg, "they'll be saii'5tVd \v^
we *ve made for them.*'
; K.'..ih still expressed her fear of rcniainm-j; in ih
f t' '.

** Then hide in the p^atec-trench, behind the house."
" That 's better," said Oonah.

" And now I m-ist be going,'* said Nance; '*' for th* .
rv.ust nc^t see me when they come."

'* t )h, don't leave mc, Nance dear," cried Ooriah, '' '
I'm s;re I'll faint with the fright when I hear the.
coil ...-^ if i*rne one is not w'th me."

N.i V \'etded to ( )onah's fears and entreat'cs, a*
A.'J) 1-., V a blessing and boundless thanks for
h-"; -.v-Aoman's kmdness, Ocmah led the wav to
l-ir.e p')rato garden at the back of the house, and th* -
the women squatted themselves in one of the trench'
and awaited the impending event.



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Handy Andy 447

It was not long in arriving. The tramp of approach-
ing horses at a sharp pace rang through the stillness of
the night, and the women, crouching flat beneath the
overspreading branches of the potato tops, lay breathless
in the bottom of the trench, as the riders came up
to the widow's cottage and entered. There they found
the widow and her pseudo niece sitting at the iire \ and
three drunken vagabonds, for the fourth was holding the
horses outside, cut some fantastic capers round the
cabio, and making a mock obeisance to the widow,
the spokesman addressed her with

" Your sarvant, ma'am ! "

"Who arc yiz at all, gintleman, that comes to my
place at this time o' night, and what 's your business ? "

"We want the loan o' that young woman there,
ma'am," said the ruffian.

Andy and his mother both uttered small squalls.

" And as for who we are, ma'am, we 're the blessed
society of Saint Joseph, ma'am our coat of arms is
two heads upon one pillow, and our motty, ^ Who 's
afraid ? Hurroo ! ' " shouted the savage, and he twirled
his stick and cut another caper. Then coming up to
Andy, he addressed him as " young woman," and said
there was a fine strapping fellow whose heart was break-
ing till he " rowled her in his arms."

Andy and the mother both acted their parts very well.
He rushed to the arms of the old woman for protection,
and screeched small, while the widow shouted ^^millia
murther ! " at the top of her voice, and did not give up
her hold of the make-believe young woman until her cap
was torn half off, and her hair streamed about her face.
She called on all the saints in the calendar, as she knelt
in the middle of the floor and rocked to and fro, with
her clasped hands raised to heaven, calling down curses
on the "villains and robbers" that were tearing her
child from her, while they threatened to stop her breath
altogether if she did not make less noise, and in the



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448 Handy Andy

midst of the uproar dragged off Andy, whose struggles
and despair might have excited the suspicion of soberer
men. They lifted him up on a stout horse, in front of
the most powerful man of the party, who gripped Andy
hard round the middle and pushed his horse to a hand
gallop, followed by the rest of the party. The prox-
imity of Andy to his cavaliero made the latter sensible to
the bad odour of the pig's bed, which formed Andy's
luxurious bust and bustle; but he attributed the unsa-
voury scent to a bad breath on the lady's part, and would
sometimes address his charge thus :

" Young woman^ if you plaze, would you turn your
face th' other way ; " then in a side soliloquy, " By
Jaker, I wondher at Jack's taste she 's a fine lump of
a girl, but her breath is murther inrirely phew
young woman, turn away your face, or by this and that
I '11 fall off the horse. I 've heerd of a bad breath
that might knock a man down, but I never met it till
now. Oh, murther ! it 's worse it 's growin' I sup-
pose 't is the bumpin' she 's gettin' that shakes the breath
out of her sthrong oh, there it is again phew! "

It was as well, perhaps, for the prosecution of the
deceit, that the distaste the fellow conceived for his
charge prevented any closer approaches to Andy's vis-
age, which might have dispelled the illusion under which
he still pushed forward to the hills and bumped poor
Andy towards the termination of his ride. Keeping a
sharp look-out as he went along, Andy soon was able to
perceive they were making for that wild part of the hills
where he had discovered the private still on the night of
his temporary fright and imaginary rencontre with the
giants, and the conversation he partly overheard all
recurred to him, and he saw at once that Oonah was
the person alluded to, whose name he could not catch, a
circumstance that cost him many a conjecture in the
interim. This gave him a clue to the persons into
whose power he was about to fall, after having so far



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Handy Andy 449

defeated their scheme, and he saw he should have to deal
with very desperate and lawless parties. Remembering,
moreover, the herculean frame of the inamorato, he cal-
culated on an awful thrashing as the smallest penalty he
should have to pay for deceiving him, but was, never-
theless, determined to go through the adventure with a
good heart, to make deceit serve his turn as long as he
might, and at the last, if necessary, to make the best
fight he could.

As it happened, luck favoured Andy in his adventure,
for the hero of the blunderbuss (and he, it will be re-
membered, was the love-sick gentleman) drank profusely
on the night in question, quaffing deep potations to the
health of his Oonah, wishing luck to his friends and
speed to their horses, and every now and then ascending
the ladder from the cave, and looking out for the ap-
proach of the party. On one of these occasions, from
the unsteadiness of the ladder, or himself, or perhaps
both, his foot slipped, and he came to the ground with
a heavy fall, in which his head received so severe a blow
that he became insensible, and it was some time before
his sister, who was an inhabitant of this den, could
restore him to consciousness. This she did, however,
and the savage recovered all the senses the whisky had
left him ; but still the stunning effect of the fall cooled
his courage considerably, and, as it were, " bothered "
him so, that he felt much less of the "gallant gay
Lothario " than he had done before the accident.

The tramp of horses was heard overhead ere long,
and Shan More^ or Big John, as the Hercules was called,
told Bridget to go up to "the darlin'," and help her
down.

" VoT that 's a blackguard laddher," said he ; " it
turned undher me like an eel, bad luck to it ! tell
her I 'd go up myself, only the ground is slipping from
undher me and the laddher -^ "

Bridget went off, leaving Jack growling forth anathe-



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450 Handy Andy

mas against the ground and the ladder, and returned
speedily with the mock-lady and her attendant squires.

" Oh, my jewel ! " roared Jack, as he caught sight
of his prize. He scrambled up on his legs, and made
a rush at Andy, who imitated a woman's scream and
fright at the expected embrace ; but it was with much
greater difficulty he suppressed his laughter at the head-
long fall with which Big Jack plunged his head into a
heap of turf,^ and hugged a sack of malt which lay
beside it.

Andy endeavoured to overcome the provocation to
merriment by screeching; and as Bridget caught the
sound of this tendency towards laughter between the
screams, she thought it was the commencement of a fit
of hysterics, and it accounted all the better for Andy's
extravagant antics.

" Oh, the craythur is frightened out of her life ! "
said Bridget. ^^ Leave her to me," said she to the men.
" There, jewel machree ! " she continued to Andy,
soothingly, "don't take on you that way don't be
afeerd, you 're among friends Jack is only dhrunk
dhrinking your health, darlin', but he adores you."
Andy screeched.

" But don't be afeerd, you '11 be thrated tender, and
he 'U marry you, darlin', like an honest woman ! "

Andy squalled.

" But not to-night, jewel don't be frightened."

Andy gave a heavy sob at the respite.

" Boys, will you lift Jack out o' the turf, and carry
him up into the air ? 't will be good for him, and this
dacent girl will sleep with me to-night."

Andy could n't resist a laugh at this, and Bridget
feared the girl was going off into hysterics again.

*' Aisy, dear aisy sure you '11 be safe with mc."

" Ow ! ow ! ow ! " shouted Andy.

" Oh, murther ! " cried Bridget, " the sterricks will
1 Peat.



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Handy Andy 451

be the death of her ! You blackguards, you frightened
her coining up here, I 'm sure."

The men swore they behaved in the genteelest
manner.

^^ Well, take away Jack, and the girl shall have share
of my bed for this night."

Andy shook internally with laughter.

" Dear, dear, how she thrimbles ! " cried Bridget.
'* Don't be so frightful, lanna machree there, now
they 're taking Jack away, and you 're alone with myself
and will have a nice sleep."

The men all the time were removing Shan Mare to
upper air^ and the last sounds they heard as they left
the cave were the coaxing tones of Bridget's voice,
inviting Andy, in the softest words, to go to bed.



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CHAPTER XXXV

THE workshops of Neck-or-Nothing Hall rang with
the sounds of occupation for two days after the
demise of its former master. The hoarse grating sound
of the saw, the whistling of the plane, and the stroke of
the mallet denoted the presence of the carpenter; and
the sharper clink of a hammer told of old^Fogy, the
family ^^ milliner," being at work ; but it was not on
millinery Fogy was now employed, though neither was
it legitimate tinker's work. He was scrolling out with
his shears, and beating into form, a plate of tin, to serve
for the shield on O'Grady's coffin, which was to record
his name, age, and day of departure ; and this was the
second plate on which the old man worked, for one was
already finished in the corner. Why are there two
coffin-plates ? Enter the carpenter's shop, and you will
see the answer in two coffins the carpenter has nearly
completed. But why two coffins for one death ? Listen,
reader, to a bit of Irish strategy.

It has been stated that an apprehension was entertained
of a seizure of the inanimate body of O'Grady for the
debts it had contracted in life, and the harpy nature of
the money-lender from whom this movement was dreaded
warranted the fear. Had O'Grady been popular, such
a measure on the part of a cruel creditor might have
been defied, as the surrounding peasantry would have
risen en masse to prevent it ; but the hostile position in
which he had placed himself towards the people alien-
ated the natural affection they are born with for their
chiefs, and any partial defence the few fierce retainers



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Handy Andy 453

whom individual interest had attached to him could
have made might have been insufficient ; therefore, to
save his father's remains from the pollution (as the son
considered) of a bailiff's touch, Gustavus determined to
achieve by stratagem what he could not accomplish by
force, and had two coffins constructed, the one to be
filled with stones and straw, and sent out by the front
entrance with all the demonstration of a real funeral,
and be given up to the attack it wks feared would be
made upon it ; while the other, put to its legitimate use,
should be placed on a raft, and floated down the river
to an ancient burial-ground which lay some miles below
on the opposite bank. A facility for this was afforded
by a branch of the river running up into the domain, as
it will be remembered; and the scene of the bearish
freaks played upon Furlong was to witness a trick of
a more serious nature.

While all these preparations were going forward, the
" waking " was kept up in all the barbarous style of old
times ; eating and drinking in profusion went on in the
house, and the kitchen of the hall rang with joviality.
The feats of sports and arms of the man who had
passed away were lauded, and his comparative achieve-*
ments with those of his progenitors gave rise to many a
stirring anecdote ; and bursts of barbarous exultation, or
more barbarous merriment, rang in the house of death.
There was no lack of whisky to fire the brains of these
revellers, for the standard of the measurement of family
grandeur was, too often, a liquid one in Ireland, even so
recently as the time we speak of; and the dozens of
wine wasted during the life it helped to shorten, and the
posthumous gallons consumed in toasting to the memory
of the departed, were among the cherished remembrances
of hereditary honour. " There were two hogsheads of
whisky drank at my father's wake ! " was but a moderate
boast of a true Irish squire, fifty years ago.

And now the last night of the wake approached, and
VOL. II. 10



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454 Handy Andy

the retainers thronged to honour the obsequies of their
departed chief with an increased enthusiasm, which rose
in proportion as the whisky got low \ and songs in praise
of their present occupation that is, getting drunk
rang merrily round, and the sports of the field and the
sorrows and joys of love resounded ; in short, the ruling
passions of life figured in rhyme and music in honour
of this occasion of death and as death is the maker
of widows, a very animated discussion on the subject of
widowhood arose, which aflForded great scope for the
rustic wits, and was crowned by the song of '' Widow
Machree" being universally called for by the company;
and a fine-looking fellow with a merry eye and large
white teeth, which he amply displayed by a wide mouth,
poured forth in cheery tones a pretty lively air which
suited well the humorous spirit of the words :



WIDOW MACHREE



*' Widow machree^ it *s no wonder you frown,

Och hone ! widow machree:
* Faith, it ruins your looks, that same dirty black gown,

Och hone ! widow machree.
How altered your hair.
With that close cap you wear
'T is destroying your hair

Which should be flowing free:
Be no longrer a churl
Of its black silken curl,

Och hone ! widow machree.



" Widow machree, now the summer is come,
Och hone ! widow machree ;

When everything smiles, should a beauty look glum t
Och hone! widow machree.

See the birds g^ in pairs.

And the rabbits and hares



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Handy Andy 455



Why even the bears

Now in couples agree \
And the mute little fish.
Though they can't spake, they wish,

Och hone! widow machrec.

Ill

** Widow machree, and when winter comes in,

Och hone I widow machree.
To be poking the fire all alone is a sin,

Och hone! widow machree.
Sure the shovel and tongs
To each other belongs.
And the kittle sings songs

Full of family glee,
While alone with your cup.
Like a hermit ^otf sup

Och hone ! widow machree.



* And how do you know, with the comforts I 've towld,

Och hone! widow machrec.
But you 're keeping some poor fellow out in the cowld

Och hone! widow machree.
With such sins on your head.
Sure your peace would be fled.
Could you sleep in your bed.

Without thinking to see
Some ghost or some sprite.
That would wake you each night.

Crying, * Och hone! widow machrec.'



Then take my advice, darling widow machree,

Och hone I widow machree.
And with my advice, 'faith I wish you *d take mc,

Och hone! widow machree.
You'd have me to desire
Then to sit by the fire ;
And sure hope is no liar

In whispering to me
That the ghosts would depart,
When you M me near your heart,

Och hone! widow machrec.**



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456 Handy Andy

The singer was honoured with a round of applause,
and his challenge for another lay was readily answered,
and mirth and music filled the night and ushered in the
dawn of the day which was to witness the melancholy
sight of the master of an ample mansion being made the
tenant of the ** narrow house."

In the evening of that day, however, the wail rose
loud and long ; the mirth which " the waking " permits
had passed away, and the ulican^ or funeral cry, told
that the lifeless chief was being borne from his hall.
That wild cry was heard even by the party who were
waiting to make their horrid seizure, and for that party
the stone-laden coffin was sent with a retinue of mourn-
ers through the old iron gate of the principal entrance,
while the mortal remains were borne by a smaller pany
to the river inlet and placed on the raft. Half an hour
had witnessed a sham fight on the part of O'Grady's
people with the bailiffs and their followers, who made
the seizure they intended, and locked up their prize in
an old barn to which it had been conveyed, until some
engagement on the part of the heir should liberate it;
while the aforesaid heir, as soon as the shadows of even-
ing had shrouded the river in obscurity, conveyed the
remains, which the myrmidons of the law fancied they
possessed, to its quiet and lonely resting-place. The
raft was taken in tow by a boat carrying two of the
boys, and pulled by four lusty retainers of the departed
chief, while Gustavus himself stood on the raft, astride
over the coffin, and with an eel-spear, which had afforded
him many a day's sport, performed the melancholy task
of guiding it. It was a strangely painful yet beautiful
sight to behold the graceful figure of the fine boy en-
gaged in this last sad duty ; with dexterous enei]gy he
plied his spear, now on this side and now on that, direct-
ing the course of the raft, or clearing it from the flaggers
which interrupted its passage through the narrow inlet.
This duty he had to attend to for some time, even after



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Handy Andy 457



leaving the little inlet; for the river was much over-
grown with flaggers at this point, and the increasing
darkness made the task more difficult.

In the midst of all this action not one word was
spoken ; even the sturdy boatmen were mute, and the
fall of the oar in the rowlock, the plash of the water,
and the crushing sound of the yielding rushes as the
" watery bier " made its way through them were the
only sounds which broke the silence. Still Gustavus
betrayed no emotion ; but by the time they reached the
open stream, and that his personal exertion was no
longer required, a change came over him. It was night,
die measured beat of the oars sounded like a knell to
him there was darkness above him and death below,
and he sank down upon the coffin, and plunging his face
passionately between his hands, he wept bitterly. Sad
were the thoughts that oppressed the brain and wrung
the heart of the high-spirited boy. He felt that his dead
father was escaping^ as it were, to the grave, that even
death did not terminate the consequences of an ill-spent
life. He felt like a thief in the night, even in the exe-
cution of his own stratagem, and the bitter thoughts of
that sad and solemn time wrought a potent spell over
after-years; that one hour of misery and disgrace in-
fluenced the entire of a future life.

On a small hill overhanging the river was the ruin of
an ancient early temple of Christianity, and to its sur-
rounding burial-ground a few of the retainers had been
despatched to prepare a grave. They were engaged in
this task by the light of a torch made of bog-pine, when
the flicker of the flame attracted the eye of a horseman
who was riding slowly along the neighbouring road. Won-
dering what could be the cause of light in such a place, he
leaped the adjoining fence and rode up to the grave-yard.

" What are you doing here ? " he said to the labour-
ers. They paused and looked up, and the flash of the
torch fell upon the features of Edward O'Connor.



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458 Handy Andy

'* We 're finishing your work," said one of the men
with malicious earnestness.

" My work ? '* repeated Edward.

'' Yes," returned the man, more sternly than before
" this is the grave of O'Grady."

The words went like an ice-bolt through Edward's
heart, and even by the torchlight the tormentor could
see his victim grew livid.

The fellow who wounded so deeply one so generally
beloved as Edward O'Connor was a thorough ruffian.
His answer to Edward's query sprang not from love of
O' Grady, nor abhorrence of taking human life, but
from the opportunity of retort which the occasion
offered upon one who had once checked him in an act of
brutality.

Yet Edward O'Connor could not reply it was a
home thrust. The death of O'Grady had weighed
heavily upon him \ for though O'Grady's wound had
been given in honourable combat, provoked by his own
fury, and not producing immediate death \ though that
death had supervened upon the subsequent intractabil-
ity of the patient ; yet the fact that O'Grady had never
been " up and doing " since the duel tended to give the
impression that his wound was the remote if not the im-
mediate cause of his death, and this circumstance weighed
heavily on Edward's spirits. His friends told him he
felt over keenly upon the subject, and that no one but
himself could entertain a question of his total innocence
of O'Grady's death ; but when from the lips of a com-
mon peasant he got the answer he did, and that beside
the grave of his adversary, it will not be wondered at
that he reeled in his saddle. A cold shivering sickness
came over him, and to avoid falling he alighted and
leaned for support against his horse, which stooped, when
freed from the restraint of the rein, to browse on the
rank verdure ; and for a moment Edward envied the un-
consciousness of the animal against which he leaned.



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Handy Andy 459

He pressed his forehead against the saddle, aiid from
the depth of a bleeding heart came up an agonised
exclamation.

A gentle hand was laid on his shoulder as he spoke,
and, turning round, he beheld Mr. Bermingham.

" What brings you here ? " said the clergyman.

" Accident," answered Edward. " But why should I
say accident ? it is by a higher authority and a better
it is the will of Heaven. It is meant as a bitter
lesson to human pride : we make for ourselves laws of
honour^ and forget the laws of God ! '*

" Be calm, my young friend," said the worthy pastor ;
" I cannot wonder you feel deeply but command your-
self." He pressed Edward's hand as he spoke and left
him, for he knew that an agony so keen is not benefited
by companionship.

Mr. Bermingham was there by appointment to per-
form the burial service, and he had not left Edward's
side many minutes when a long wild whistle from the
waters announced the arrival of the boat and raft, and
the retainers ran down to the river, leaving the pine-
torch stuck in the upturned earth, waving its warm blaze
over the cold grave. During the interval which ensued
between the departure of the men and their reappear-
ance, bearing the body to its last resting-place, Mr. Ber-
mingham spoke with Edward O/Connor, and soothed
him into a more tranquil bearing. When the coffin
came within view he advanced to meet it, and began the
sublime burial-service, which he repeated most impres-
sively. When it was over, the men commenced filling
up the grave. As the clods fell upon the coffin, they
smote the hearts of the dead man's children ; yet the
boys stood upon the verge of the grave as long as a ves-
tige of the tenement of their lost father could be seen ;
but as soon as the coffin was hidden, they withdrew from
the brink, and the younger boys, each taking hold of the
hand of the eldest, seemed to imply the need of mutual



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46o Handy Andy

dependence : as if death liad drawn closer the bond of
brotherhood.

There was no sincerer mourner at that place than
Edward O'Connor, who stood aloof, in respect for the
feelings of the children of the departed man, till the
grave was quite filled up, and all were about to leave
the spot \ but then his feelings overmastered him, and,
impelled by a torrent of contending emotions, he rushed
forward, and throwing himself on his knees before Gus-
tavus, he held up his hands imploringly, and sobbed
forth, " Forgive me ! "

The astonished boy drew back.

" Oh, forgive me ! " repeated Edward "I could not
help it it was forced on me it was "

As he struggled for utterance, even the rough retain-
ers were touched, and one of them exclaimed, " Oh, Mr.
O'Connor, it was a fair fight ! "

" There ! " exclaimed Edward " you hear it ! Oh,
give me your hand in forgiveness ! "

" I forgive you," said the boy, " but do not ask me to
give you my hand to-night."

" You are right," said Edward, springing to his feet
" you are right you are a noble fellow ; and now, re-
member my parting words, Gustavus : Here, by the
side of your father's grave, I pledge you my soul that
through life and till death, in all extremity, Edward
O'Connor is your sworn and trusty friend."



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CHAPTER XXXVI

WHILE the foregoing scene of sadness took place
in the lone churchyard, unholy watch was kept
over the second coffin by the myrmidons of the law.
The usurer who made the seizure had brought down
from Dublin three of the most determined bailiffs from
amongst the tribe, and to their care was committed the
keeping of the supposed body in the old barn. Asso-
ciated with these worthies were a couple of ill-condi-
tioned country blackguards, who, for the sake of a
bottle of whisky, would keep company with Old Nick
himself, and who expected, moreover, to hear *' a power
o' news " from the "gentlemen " from Dublin, who, in
their turn did not object to have their guard strength-
ened, as their notions of a rescue in the country parts of
Ireland were anything but agreeable. The night was
cold, so, clearing away from one end of the barn the
sheaves of corn with which it was stored, they made a
turf fire, stretched themselves on a good shake-idown of
straw before the cheering blaze, and circulated among
them the whisky, of which they had a good store. A
tap at the door announced a new-comer ; but the Dublin
bailiffs, fearing a surprise, hesitated to open to the knock
until their country allies assured them it was a friend
whose voice they recognised. The door was opened,
and in walked Larry Hogan, to pick up his share of
what was going, whatever it might be, saying
^ I thought you wor for keeping me out altogether."
" The gintlemin from Dublin was afeard of what they



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462 Handy Andy

call a riskya " (rescue), said the peasant, ^^ till I told them
't was a friend."

" Divil a riskya will come near you to-night," said
Larry, ^^ you may make your minds aisy about that, for
the people does n't care enough about his bones to get
their own broke in savin' him, and no wondher. It 's
a lantherumswash bully he always was, quiet as he is
now. And there you are, my bold squire," said he, apos-
trophising the coffin which had been thrown on a heap
of sheaves. " Faix, it 's a good kitchen you kep', any-
how, whenever you had it to spind ; and indeed when
you hadn't you spint it all the same, for the divil a much
you cared how you got it ; but death has made you pay
the reckoning at last that thing that filly-officers call
the debt o' nature must be paid, whatever else you may
owe."

^^ Why, it 's as good as a sarmon to hear you," said
one of the bailiffs.

^^ O Larry, sir, discourses iligant," said a peasant.

" Tut, tut, tut," said Larry, with affected modesty :
" it 's not what / say, but I can tell you a thing that
Docthor Growlin' put out on him more nor a year ago,
which was mighty 'cute. Scholars calls it an * epithet
of dissipation,' which means getting a man's tombstone
ready for him before he dies \ and divil a more cutting
thing was ever cut on a tombstone than the doctor's
rhyme; this is it

** ' Here lies O* Grady, that cantankerous creature,
Who paid, as all must pay, the debt of nature ;
But, keeping to his general maxim still,
Paid it like other debts agaunst his will.* " *

" What do you think o' that, Goggins ? " inquired

one bailiff from the other ; " you *re a judge o' po'thry."

" It 's sevariy* answered Goggins, authoritatively,

* These bitter lines on a '* bad pay " were written by a Dublin
medical wit of high repute, of whom Dr. Growling is a prototype.



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Handy Andy 463

" but coarse^ I wish you 'd brile the rashers ; I begin to
feel the calls o' nature, as the poet says."

This Mister Goggins was a character in his way.
He had the greatest longing to be thought a poet, put
execrable couplets together sometimes, and always talked
as fine as he could \ and his mixture of sentimentality,
with a large stock of blackguardism, produced a strange
jumble.

" The people here thought it nate^ sir," said Larry.

" Oh, very well for the country ! " said Goggins ;
"but 'twould n't do for town."

" Misther Goggings knows best," said the bailiff who
first spoke, " for he 's a pote himself, and writes in the
newspapers."

** Oh, indeed ! " said Larry.

" Yes," said Goggins, " sometimes I throw off little
thmgs for the newspapers. There's a friend of mine
you see, a gentleman connected with the press, who is
often in defficulties, and I give him a hint to keep out
o* the way when he 's in trouble, and he swears I 've
a genus for the muses, and encourages me '*

*' Humph 1 " says Larry.

" And puts my things in the paper, when he gets the
editor's back turned, for the editor is a consaited chap
that likes no one's po'thry but his own ; but never mind
if I ever get a writ against that chap, worCt I sarve
it!"

" And I dar say some day you will have it agen him,
sir," said Larry.

"Sure of it, a' most," said Goggins; "them litherary
men is always in defficulties."

" I wondher you 'd be like them, then, and write at
all," said Larry.

" Oh, as for me, it 's only by way of amusement ;
attached as I am to the legal profession, my time
wouldn't permit; but I have been infected by the
company I kept. The living images that creeps over



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464 Handy Andy

a man sometimes is irresistible, and you have no pace
till you get them out o' your head."

'' Oh, indeed, they are very throublesome/' says Larry,
'^ and are the litherary gintlemen, sir, as you call them,
mostly that way ? '*

" To be sure ; it is that which makes a litheraiy man:
his head is full teems with creation, sir."

'* Dear, dear ! " said Larry.

^ And when once the itch of litherature comes over
a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen."

^^But if you have not a pen, I suppose you must
scratch any other way you can."

" To be sure," said Goggins, " I have seen a litheraiy
gentleman in a sponging-house do crack things on the
wall with a bit of burnt stick, rather than be idle they
must execute."

" Ha ! " says Larry.

^^ Sometimes, in all their poverty and difficulty, I envy
the 'fatal fatality,' as the poet says, of such men in
catching ideas."

" That 's the genteel name for it," says Larry.

** Oh ! " exclaimed Goggins, enthusiastically, ** I know
the satisfaction of catching a man, but it 's nothing at
all compared to catching an idea. For the man, you
see, can give bail and get off, but the idea is your own
for ever. And then a rhyme when it has puzzled
you all day, the pleasure you have in nabbing it at last ! "

** Oh, it *8 po'thry you 're spakin' about," said Larry.

" To be sure," said Goggins ; " do you think I *d
throw away my time on prose ? You 're burning that
bacon, Tim," said he to his sub.

" Poethiy, agen the world ! " continued he to Larry,
'' the Castilian sthraime for me ! Hand us that whisky "
he put the bottle to his mouth and took a swig
" That 's good you do a bit of private here, I suspect,"
said he, with a wink, pointing to the bottle.

Larry returned a significant grin, but said nothing.



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Handy Andy 465

" Oh, don't be afraid o* mc I would n't 'peach "

'^ Sure it 's agen the law, and you 're a gintleman o'
the law," said Larry.

" That 's no rule," said Goggins : " the Lord Chief
Justice always goes to bed, they say, with six tumblers
o' potteen under his belt ; and dhrink it myself."

" Arrah, how do you get it ? " said Larry.

"From a gentleman, a friend o* mine, in the
Custom-house."

^^ A-dad, that 's quare," said Larry, laughing.

^^ Oh, we see queer things, I tell you," said Goggins,
" we gentlemen of the law."

" To be sure you must," returned Larry ; " and mighty
improvin' it must be. Did you ever catch a thief, sir ? "

"My good man, you mistake my profession," said
Goggins, proudly ; " we never have anything to do in
the criminal line, that *s much beneath x."

" I ax your pardon, sir."

'' No offence no offence."

" But it must be mighty improvin', I think, ketching
of thieves, and finding out their thricks and hidin'-places,
and the like ? "

"Yes, yes," said Goggins, "good fun; though I
don't do it, I know all about it, and could tell queer
things too."

" Arrah, maybe you would, sir ? " said Larry.

" Maybe I will, after we nibble some rashers will
you take share ? "

" Musha, long life to you," said Larry, always willing
to get whatever he could. A repast was now made,
more resembling a feast of savages round their war-fire
than any civilised meal ; slices of bacon broiled in the
fire, and eggs roasted in the turf-ashes. The viands
were not objectionable ; but the cooking ! Oh ! there
was neither gridiron nor frying-pan, fork nor spoon ; a
couple of clasp-knives served the whole party. Never-
theless, they satisfied their hunger and then sent the



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466 Handy Andy

bottle on its exhibrating round. Soon after that, many
a story of burglary, robbery, swindling, petty larceny, and
every conceivable crime, was related for the amusement
of the circle ; and the plots and counterplots of thieves
and thief-takers raised the wonder of the peasants. Larry
Hogan was especially delighted ; more particuhrly when
some trick of either villany or cunning came out.

^^Now women are troublesome cattle to deal with
mostly," said Goggins. " They are remarkably 'cute
first, and then they are spiteful after ; and for circum-
ventin* either way are sharp hands. You see they do it
quieter than men; a man will make a noise about it, but
a woman does it all on the sly. There was Bill Morgan
and a sharp fellow he was, too and he had set his
heart on some silver spoons he used to see down in a
kitchen windy, but the servant-maid, somehow or other,
suspected there was designs about the place, and* was on
the watch. Well, one night, when she was all alone,
she heard a noise outside the windy, so she kept as quiet
as a mouse. By-and-by the sash was attempted to be
riz from the outside, so she laid hold of a kittle of boil-
ing wather and stood hid behind the shutter. The
windy was now riz a little, and a hand and arm thrust
in to throw up the sash altogether, when the girl poured
the boiling wather down the sleeve of Bill's coat. Bill
roared with the pain, when the girl said to him, laugh-
ing, through the windy, 'I thought you came for
something.' "

"That was a 'cute girt/* ssud Larry, chuckling.

** Well, now, that 's an instance of a woman's clever-
ness in preventing. I '11 teach you one of her deter-
mination to discover and prosecute to conviction; and
in this case, what makes it curious is, that Jack Tate
had done the bowldest thing, and run the greatest risks,
^ the eminent deadly,' as the poet says, when he was
done up at last by a feather-bed."

" A feather-bed," repeated Larry, wondering how a



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Handy Andy 467

feather-bed could influence the fate of a bold burglar,
while Goggins mistook his exclamation of surprise to
signify the paltriness of the prize, and therefore chimed
in with him.

"^Quite true no wonder you wonder quite below
a man of his pluck ; but the fact was, a sweetheart of
his was longing for a feather-bed, and Jack determined
to get it. Well, he marched into a house, the door of
which he found open, and went up-stairs, and took the
best feather-bed in the house, tied it up in the best quilt,
crammed some caps and ribbons he saw lying about into
the bundle, and marched down-stairs again ; but you see,
in carrying off even the small thing of a feather-bed.
Jack showed the skill of a high practitioner, for he de-
scendhered the stairs backwards."

" Backwards ! " said Lariy, '' what was that for ? "

"You'll see by-and-by," said Goggins; "he de-
scendhered backwards when suddenly he heard a door
opening, and a faymale voice exclaim, ^ Where are you
going with that bed ? '

"*I am going up-stairs with it, ma'am,' says Jack,
whose backward position favoured his lie, and be began
to walk up again.

** ' Come down here,' said the lady, ' we want no beds
here, man.'

" ^ Mr. Sullivan, ma'am, sent me home with it himself,'
said Jack, still mounting the stairs.

" * Come down, I tell you,' said the lady, in a great
rage. ' There 's no Mr. Sullivan lives here go out of
this with your bed, you stupid fellow.'

"* I beg your pardon, ma'am,' says Jack, turning round,
and marching off with the bed fair and aisy. Well,
there was a regular shilloo in the house when the thing
was found out, and cart-ropes would n't howld the lady
for the rage she was in at being diddled ; so she offered
rewards, and the dickens knows all ; and what do you
think at last discovered our poor Jack ? "



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468 Handy Andy

''The sweetheart, maybe," said Lariy, grinning in
ecstasy at the thought of human perfidy.

'* No," said Goggins, " honour even among sweet-
hearts, though they do the trick sometimes, I confess ;
but no woman of any honour would betray a great man
like Jack. No *t was one of the paltry ribbons that
brought conviction home to him ; the woman never lost
sight of hunting up evidence about her feather-bed, and,
in the end, a ribbon out of one of her caps settled the
hash of Jack Tate."

From robbings they went on to tell of murders, and
at last that uncomfortable sensation which people expe-
rience after a feast of horrors began to pervade the
party \ and whenever they looked round, there was the
coffin in the background.

" Throw some turf on the fire," said Goggins, " *t is
burning low ; and change the subject ; the tragic muse
has reigned sufficiently long enough of the dagger
and the bowl sink the socks and put on the buck-
skins. Leather away, Jim sing us a song."

" What is it to be ? " asked Jim.

'* Oh that last song of the Solicitor-General's," said
Goggins, with an air as if the Solicitor-General were his
particular friend.

" About the robbery ? " inquired Jim.

*' To be sure," returned Goggins.

'* Dear me," said Larry, " and would so grate a man
as the Solicithor-General demane himself by writin'
about robbers ? "

" Oh ! " said Goggins, " those in the heavy profession
of the law must have their little private moments of rol-
lickzation ; and then high men, you see, like to do a
bit of low by way of variety. ' The Night before
Larry was stretched ' was done by a bishop, they say;
and ^ Lord Altamont's Bull ' by the Lord Chief Justice ;
and the Solicitor-General is as up to fun as any bishop
of them all. Come, Jim, tip us the stave ! "

Jim cleared his throat and obeyed his chief.



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Handy Andy 469

THE QUAKER'S MEETING



A traveller wended the wilds amohg.
With a purse of gold and a silver tongue ;
His hat it was broad, and all drab were his clothes.
For he hated high colours except on his nose.
And he met wiUi a lady, the story goes.

Heigho! jea thee and nay thee.



The damsel she cast him a merry blink,
And the traveller nothing was loth, I think ;
Her merry black eye beamed her bonnet beneath.
And the quaker, he grinned, for he 'd very good teeth.
And he asked, Art thee ^ going to ride on the heath ? *
Heigho! yea thee and nay thee.

Ill

I hope you *ll protect me, kind sir,' said the maid,
* As to ride this heath over I 'm sadly afraid ;
For robbers, they say, here in numbers abound.
And I would n't for anything " I should be found.
For, between you and me, I have five hundred pound.'
Heigho! yia thee and nay thee.



If that is thee own, dear,' the quaker he said,
I ne'er saw a maiden I sooner would wed j
And I have another five hundred just now,
In the padding that 's under my saddle-bow.
And I '11 settle it all upon thee, I vow! '

Heigho ! yta thee and nay thee.



** The maiden she smiled, and her rein she drew,
Your offer I '11 take, though I '11 not take you 5 '

1 The inferior class of quakers make thee serve not only its own
grammatical use, but also do the duty of thy and thine.
VOL. u. II



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470 Handy Andy

A pistol the held at the quaker^s head

Now give me your gold, or I Ml give you my lead,

*Tis under the saddle I think you said/

Heigfaol yia thee and nay thee.



VI

"The damsel she ripp*d up the saddle-bow,
And the quaker was never a quaker till now ;
And he saw by the ftur one he wish'd for a bride
His purse borne away with a swaggering stride.
And the eye that looked tender now only defied.

Heigho ! jta thee and nay thee.



* The spirit doth move me, friend Broadbrim,* quoth she,
To take all this filthy temptation from thee \
For Mammon deceiveth, and beauty is fleeting t
Accept from thy maai-d^n a right loving greeting,
For much doth she profit by this quaker* s meeting.

Heigho! yia thee and nay thee.

YIII

*^ And hark 1 jolly quaker, so rosy and sly.
Have righteousness more than a wench in thine tjt,
Don*t go again peeping girls* bonnets beneath,
Remember the one that you met on the heath,
Hir name *s Jimmy Barlow I tell to your teeth I *
Heigho ! yia thee and nay thee.



** Friind James,* quoth the quaker, pray listen to me.
For thou canst confer a great favour, d* ye see ;
The gold thou hast taken is not mine, my friend.
But my master* s and on thee I depend
To make it appear I my trust did defend.

Heigho! yia thee and nay thee.



** So fire a few shots through my clothes, here and there.
To make it appear *t was a desp*rate affiur.*



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Handy Andy 471

So Jim he popped first through the skirt of his coat,
And then through his collar quite close to his throat.
* Now once through my broad-brim/ quoth Ephraim, I vote.
Heighol jta thee and nay thee.

XI

I have but a brace/ said bold Jim, and they 're spent.
And I wonU load again for a make-believe rent.^
Then,' said Ephraim producii^ his pistols just give
My ^y^ hundred pounds back or, as sure as you live,
I'll make of your body a riddle or sieve.'

Heigho 1 yta thee and nay thee.



Jim Barlow was diddled, and though he was game.
He saw Ephraim' s pistol so deadly in aim.
That he gave up the gold, and he took to his scrapers \
And when the whole story got into the papers,
They said that * tht thirves *wiri no match for the quakers,^
Heigho! yea thee and nay thee."

^Well, it's a quare thing you should be singin' a
song here/' said Larry Hogan, ^^ about Jim Barlow, and
it 's not over half a mile out of this very place he was
hanged."

^ Indeed ! " exclaimed all the men at once, looking
with great interest at Larry.

" It 's truth I *m telling you. He made a very bowld
robbery up by the long hill there, on two gintlemen, for
he was mighty stout."

" Pluck to the back-bone," said Goggins.

" Well, he tuk the purses afF both o' them j and just
as he was goin' on aft her doin' the same, what should
appear on the road before him, but two other travellers
coming up forninst him. With that the men that was
robbed cried out, ^ Stop thief! ' and so Jim, seein' him-
self hemmed in betune the four o' them, faced his horse
to the ditch and took across the counthry; but the
thravellers was well mounted as well as himself, and
powdhered afther him like mad. Well, it was equal to



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472 Handy Andy

a steeple chase a'most; and Jim, seein' he could not
shake them oiF, thought the best thing he could do was
to cut out some troublesome work for them ; so he led
oiF where he knew there was the divil's own leap to
take, and he intended to 'pound ^ them there, and be oiF
in the mane time \ but as ill luck would have it, his
own horse, that was as bowld as himself, and would
jump at the moon if he was faced to it, missed his foot
in takin' oiF, and fell short o' the leap and slipped his
shouldher, and Jim himself had a bad fall of it too, and,
av coorse, it was all over wid him and up came the
four gintlemen. Well, Jim had his pistols yet, and he
pulled them out, and swore he 'd shoot the first man
that attempted to take him ; but the gintlemen had
pistols as well as he, and were so hot on the chase they
determined to have him, and closed on him. Jim fired
and killed one o' them ; but he got a ball in the shoul-
dher himself, from another, and he was taken. Jim
stfaruv to shoot himself with his second pistol, but it
missed fire ^ The curse o' the road is on me,' said
Jim ; ^ my pistol missed fire, and my horse slipped his
shouldher, and now I '11 be scragged,* says he, *but it 's
not for nothing I 've killed one o' ye,* says he."

^ He was all pluck," said Goggins.

" Desperate bowld," said Larry. ^ Well, he was
thried and condimned av coorse^ and was hanged, as
I tell you, half a mile out o' this very place, where
we are sittin', and his appearance walks, they say,
ever since."

*' You don't say so ! " said Goggins.

" 'Faith, it 's thrue ! " answered Larry.

" You never saw it," said Goggins.

" The Lord forbid ! " returned Larry ; " but it 's
thrue, for all that. For you see the big house near
this barn, that is all in ruin, was desarted because Jim's
ghost used to walk."

^ Impound.



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Handy Andy 473

" That was foolish," said Goggins ; " stir up the
fire, Jim, and hand me the whisky."

""Oh, if it was only walkin', they might have got
over that; but at last one night, as the story goes,
when there was a thremendious storm o' wind and



ram "

" Whisht ! " said one of the peasants, " what *s
that ? "

As they listened, they heard the beating of heavy
rain against the door, and the wind howled through
its chinks.

** Well," said Goggins, " what are you stopping for ? "

** Oh, I 'm not stoppin'," said Larry ; " I was sayin'
that it was a bad wild night, and Jimmy Barlow's
appearance came into the house and asked them for
a glass o' spePts, and that he 'd be obleeged to them
if they 'd help him with his horse that slipped his
shouldher ; and, 'faith, afther that^ they 'd stay in the
place no longer; and signs on it, the house is gone
to rack and ruin, and it 's only this barn that is kept
up at all, because it 's convaynient for owld Skinflint
on the form."

" That 's all nonsense," said Goggins, who wished,
nevertheless, that he had not heard the '' nonsense."
**Come, sing another song, Jim."

Jim said he did not remember one.

" Then you sing, Ralph."

Ralph said every one knew he never did more than
join a chorus.

" Then join me in a chorus," said Goggins, *' for
I '11 sing, if Jim 's afraid."

" I 'm not afraid," said Jim.

*' Then why won't you sing ? "

" Because I don't like."

" Ah ! " exclaimed Goggins.

" Well, maybe you 're afraid yourself," said Jim, " if
you towld thruth,"



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474 Handy Andy

^^ Just to show you how little I 'm afeard," said
Goggins, with a swaggering air, ^^ I '11 sing another
song about Jimmy Barlow."

'^ You 'd better not," said Larry Hogan. " Let him
rest in pace ! "

" Fudge ! " said Goggins. " Will you join chorus,
Jim ? "

" I will," said Jim, fiercely.

" We '11 all join," said the men (except Larry), who
felt it would be a sort of relief to bully away the
supernatural terror which hung round their hearts after
the ghost story by the sound of their own voices.

" Then here goes ! " said Goggins, who started an-
other long ballad about Jimmy Barlow, in the open-
ing of which all joined. It ran as follows :

* My name it is Jimmy Barlow,
I was bom in the town of Carlow,
And here I lie in the Maryborough jail,
All for the robbing of the Wicklow mail.
Fol de rol de rol de riddle-ido ! *'

As it would be tiresome to follow this ballad through
all its length, breadth, and thickness, we shall leave
the singers engaged in their chorus, while we call the
reader's attention to a more interesting person than
Mister Goggins or Jimmy Barlow.



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CHAPTER XXXVII

WHEN Edward O'Connor had hurried from the
burial-place, he threw himself into his saddle,
and urged his horse to speed, anxious to fly the spot
where his feelings had been so harrowed; and as he
swept along through the cold night wind which began
to rise in gusty fits, and howled past him, there was
in the violence of his rapid motion something con-
genial to the fierce career of painful thoughts which
chased each other through his heated brain. He con-
tinued to travel at this rapid pace, so absorbed in
bitter reflection as to be quite insensible to external
impressions, and he knew not how far nor how fast
he was going, though the heavy breathing of his horse
at any other time would have been signal sufficient to
draw the rein; but still he pressed onward, and still the
storm increased, and each acclivity was topped but to
sweep down the succeeding slope at the same des-
perate pace. Hitherto the road over which he pur-
sued his fleet career lay through an open country, and
though the shades of a stormy night hung above it,
the horse could make his way in safety through the
gloom; but now they approached an old road which
skirted an ancient domain, whose venerable trees threw
their arms across the old causeway, and added their
shadows to the darkness of the night.

Many and many a time had Edward ridden in the
soft summer under the green shade of these very trees,
in company with Fanny Dawson, his guiltless heart full
of hope and love ; perhaps it was this very thought



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476 Handy Andy

crossing his mind at the moment which made his
present circumstances the more oppressive. He was
guiltless no longer he rode not in happiness with the
woman he adored under the soft shade of summer trees,
but heard the wintry wind howl through their leafless
boughs as he hurried in maddened speed beneath them,
and heard in the dismal sound but an echo of the voice
of remorse which was ringing through his heart. The
darkness was intense from the canopy of old oaks
which overhung the road, but still the horse was urged
through the dark ravine at speed, though one might not
see an arm's length before. Fearlessly it was performed,
though ever and anon, as the trees swung about their
heavy branches in the storm, smaller portions of the
boughs were snapped oflF and flung in the faces of the
horse and the rider, who still spurred and plashed his
headlong way through the heavy road beneath. Emerg-
ing at length from the deep and overshadowed valley,
a steep hill raised its crest in advance, but still up the
stony acclivity the feet of the mettled steed rattled
rapidly, and flashed fire from the flinty path. As they
approached the top of the hill, the force of the storm
became more apparent ; and on reaching its crest, the
fierce pelting of the mingled rain and hail made the
horse impatient of the storm of which his rider was
heedless almost unconscious. The spent animal with
short snortings betokened his labour, and shook his head
passionately as the fierce hail-shower struck him in the
eyes and nostrils. Still, however, was he urged down-
ward, but he was no longer safe. Quite blown, and
pressed over a rough descent, the generous creature,
that would die rather than refuse, made a false step, and
came heavily to the ground. Edward was stunned by
the fall, though not seriously hurt \ and, after the lapse
of a few seconds, recovered his feet, but found the
horse still prostrate. Taking the animal by the head,
he assisted him to rise, which he was not enabled to do



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Handy Andy 477

till after several efforts ; and when he regained his legs,
it was manifest he was seriously lamed; and as he
limped along with difficulty beside his master, who led
him gently, it became evident that it was beyond the
animal's power to reach his own stable that night.
Edward for the first time was now aware of how much
he had punished his horse; he felt ashamed of using
the noble brute with such severity, and became con-
scious that he had been acting under something little
short of frenzy. The consciousness at once tended
to restore him somewhat to himself, and he began to
look around on every side in search of some house
where he could find rest and shelter for his disabled
horse. As he proceeded thus, the care necessarily
bestowed on his dumb companion partially called off
his thoughts from the painful theme with which they
had been exclusively occupied, and the effect was most
beneficial. The ftrst violent burst of feeling was past,
and a calmer train of thought succeeded; he for the
first time remembered the boy had forgiven him, and
that was a great consolation to him ; he recalled, too,
his own words, pledging to Gustavus his friendship, and
in this pleasing hope of the future he saw much to
redeem what he regretted of the past. Still, however,
the wild flare of the pine-torch over the lone grave
of his adversary, and the horrid answer of the grave-
digger, that he was but "finishing his work," would
recur to his memory and awake an internal pang.

From this painful reminiscence he sought to escape,
by looking forward to all he would do for Gustavus,
and had become much calmer, when the glimmer of
a light not far ahead attracted him, and he soon was
enabled to perceive it proceeded from some buildings
that lay on his right, not far from the road. He turned
up the rough path which formed the approach, and the
light escaped through the chinks of a large door which
indicated the place to be a coach-house, or some such



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478 Handy Andy

office, belonging to the general pile which seemed in
a ruinous condition.

As he approached, Edward heard rude sounds of
merriment, amongst which the joining of many voices
in a ^^ ree-raw " chorus indicated that a carouse was
going forward within.

On reaching the door he could perceive through a
wide chink a group of men sitting round a turf fire
piled at the far end of the building, which had no
fire-place, and the smoke, curling upwards to the roof,
wreathed the rafters in smoke; beneath this vapoury
canopy the party sat drinking and singing, and Edward,
ere he knocked for admittance, listened to the following
strange refrain :

" For my name it is Jimmy Barl0*w,
I ivas bom in the tonvn of Carlonv^
And here I lie in Maryborough jail.
All for the robbing of the fFicklotv mail,

Fol de rol de riddU-iddle-ido I ^

Then the principal singer took up the song, which
seemed to be one of robbery, blood, and murder, for it
ran thus :

** Then he cocked his pistol gaily.
And stood before him bravely,
Smoke and fire is my desire,
So blaze away, my game-cock squire.
For my name it is Jimmy Barlovo^
I was bom &cJ*^

Edward O'Connor knocked at the door loudly ; the
words he had just heard about ^^ pistols," ^ blazing
away," and, last of all, " squire^'* fell gratingly on his
ear at that moment, and seemed strangely to connect
themselves with the previous adventures of the night
and his own sad thoughts, and he beat against the door
with violence.

The chorus ceased ; Edward repeated his knocking.



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Handy Andy 479

Still there was no answer ^ but he heard low and
hurried muttering inside. Determined, however, to gain
admittance, Edward laid hold of an iron hasp outside
the door, which enabled him to shake the gate with
violence, that there might be no excuse on the part of
the inmates that they did not hear \ but in thus making
the old door rattle in its frame, it suddenly yielded to his
touch and creaked open on its rusty hinges; for when
Larry Hogan had entered, it had been forgotten to be
barred.

As Edward stood in the open doorway, the first
object which met his eye was the coffin and it is
impossible to say how much at that moment the sight
shocked him ; he shuddered involuntarily, yet could not
withdraw his eyes from the revolting object; and the
pallor with which his previous mental anxiety had invested
his cheek increased as he looked on this last tenement
of mortality. " Am I to see nothing but the evidences
of death's doing this night ? " was the mental question
which shot through Edward's over-wrought brain, and
he grew livid at the thought. He looked more like one
raised from the grave than a living being, and a wild
glare in his eyes rendered his appearance still more
unearthly. He felt that shame which men always
experience in allowing their feelings to overcome them ;
and by a great effort he mastered his emotion and spoke,
but the voice partook of the strong nervous excitement
under which he laboured, and was hollow and broken,
and seemed more like that which one might fancy to
proceed from the jaws of a sepulchre than one of flesh
and blood. Beaten by the storm, too, his hair hung in
wet flakes over his face and added to his wild appearance,
so that the men all started up at the first glimpse they
caught of him, and huddled themselves together in the
farthest corner of the building, from whence they eyed
him with evident alarm.

Edward thought some whisky might check the feeling



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480 Handy Andy

of faintness which overcame him ; and though he deemed
it probable he had broken in upon the nocturnal revel
of desperate and lawless men, he nevertheless asked them
to give him some ; but instead of displaying that alacrity
so universal in Ireland, of sharing the "creature " with
a new-comer, the men only pointed to the bottle which
stood beside the fire, and drew closer together.

Edward's desire for the stimulant was so great, that
he scarcely noticed the singular want of courtesy on the
part of the men ; and seizing the bottle (for there was
no glass), he put it to his lips, and quaffed a hearty dram
of the spirit before he spoke.

^^ I must ask for shelter and assistance here,'* said
Edward. " My horse, I fear, has slipped his shoul-
der "

Before he could utter another word, a simultaneous
roar of terror burst from the group ; they fancied the
ghost of Jimmy Barlow was before them, and made a
simultaneous rush from the barn ; and when they saw
the horse at the door, another yell escaped them, as they
fled with increased speed and terror. Edward stood
in amazement as the men rushed from his presence;
he followed to the gate to recall them ; they were gone ;
he could only hear their yells in the disunce. The
circumstance seemed quite unaccountable; and as he
stood lost in vain surmises as to the cause of the strange
occurrence, a low neigh of recognition from the horse
reminded him of the animal's wants, and he led him into
the barn, where, from the plenty of straw which lay
around, he shook down a litter where the maimed animal
might rest.

He then paced up and down the barn, lost in wonder
at the conduct of those whom he found there, and whom
his presence had so suddenly expelled ; and ever as he
walked towards the fire, the coffin caught his eye. As
a fitful blaze occasionally arose, it flashed upon the plate,
which brightly reflected the flame, and Edward was



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Handy Andy 481

irresistibly drawn, despite his original impression of hor-
ror at the object, to approach and read the inscription.
The shield bore the name of *' O'Grady," and Edward
recoiled from the coffin with a shudder, and inwardly
asked, was he in his waking senses ? He had but an
hour ago seen his adversary laid in his grave, yet here
was his coffin again before him, as if to harrow up his
soul anew. Was it real, or a mockery ? Was he the
sport of a dream, or was there some dreadful curse fallen
upon him that he should be for ever haunted by the
victim of his arm, and the call of vengeance for blood
be ever upon his track ? He breathed short and hard,
and the smoky atmosphere in which he was enveloped
rendered respiration still more difficult. As through
this oppressive vapour, which seemed only fit for the
nether world, he saw the coffin-plate flash back the
flame, his imagination accumulated horror on horror;
and when the blaze sank, and but the bright red of the
fire was reflected, it seemed to him to burn, as it were,
with a spot of blood, and he could support the scene no
longer, but rushed from the barn in a state of mind
bordering on frenzy.

It was about an hour afterwards, near midnight, that
the old barn was in flames ; most likely some of the
straw near the fire, in the confusion of the breaking up
of the party, had been scattered within range of ignition,
and caused the accident. The flames were seen for
miles round the country, and the shattered walls of the
ruined mansion-house were illuminated brightly by the
glare of the consuming barn, which in the morning
added its own blackened and reeking ruin to the desola-
tion, and crowds of persons congregated to the spot for
many days after. The charred planks of the coffin were
dragged from amongst the ruin; and as the roof in
falling in had dragged a large portion of the wall along
with it, the stones which had filled the coffin could not
be distinguished from those of the fallen building, there-



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482 Handy Andy

fore much wonder arose that no vestige of the bones
of the corse it was supposed to contain should be dis-
covered. Wonder increased to horror as the strange
fact was promulgated, and in the ready credulity of a
superstitious people, the terrible belief became general,
that his sable majesty had made oiF with O'Grady and
the party watching him \ for as the Dublin bailiflfs never
stopped till they got back to town, and were never seen
again in the country, it was most natural to suppose
that the devil had made a haul of them at the same time.
In a few days rumour added the spectral appearance
of Jim Barlow to the tale, which only deepened its
mysterious horror ; and though, after some time, the true
story was promulgated by those who knew the real state
of the case, yet the truth never gained ground, and was
considered but a clever sham, attempted by the family
to prevent so dreadful a story from attaching to their
house ; and tradition perpetuates to this hour the belief
that the devil flew away with O'Grady.

Lone and shunned as the hill was where the ruined
house stood, it became more lone and shunned than ever,
and the boldest heart in the whole country-side would
quail to be in its vicinity, even in the day-time. To
such a pitch the panic rose, that an extensive farm which
encircled it, and belonged to the old usurer who made
the seizure, fell into a profitless state from the impossi-
bility of men being found to work upon it. It was use-
less even as pasture, for no one could be found to herd
cattle upon it ; altogether it was a serious loss to the
money-grubber; and so far the incident of the burnt
barn, and the tradition it gave rise to, acted beneficially
in making the inhuman act of warring with the dead
recoil upon the merciless old usurer.



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CHAPTER XXXVIII

WE left Andy in what may be called a delicate
situation, and though Andy's perceptions of the
refined were not very acute, he himself began to wonder
how he should get out of the dilemma into which cir-
cumstances had thrown him ; and even to his dull com-
prehension various terminations to his adventure
suggested themselves, till he became quite confused in
the chaos which his own thoughts created. One good
idea, however, Andy contrived to lay hold of out of the
bundle which perplexed him ; he felt that to gain time
would be an advantage, and if evil must come of his
adventure, the longer he could keep it off the better ; so
he kept up his affectation of timidity, and put in his sobs
and lamentations, like so many commas and colons, as
it were, to prevent Bridget from arriving at her climax
of going to bed.

Bridget insisted bed was the finest thing in the world
for a young woman in distress of mind.

Andy protested he never could get a wink of sleep
when his mind was uneasy. Bridget promised the most
sisterly tenderness.

Andy answered by a lament for his mother.

" Come to bed, I tell you," said Bridget.

" Are the sheets aired ? " sobbed Andy.

'^^ What ! " exclaimed Bridget, in amazement.

" If you are not sure of the sheets bein* aired," said
Andy, ** I 'd be afeard of catchin' cowld."

^ Sheets, indeed ! " said Bridget ; ^^ 'faith, it 's a dainty
lady you are, if you can't sleep without sheets."



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484 Handy Andy

u What ! " returned Andy, " no sheets ? "

" Divil a sheet/'

" Oh, mother, mother ! " exclaimed Andy, " what
would you say to your innocent child being tuk away
to a place where there was no sheets ? "

** Well, I never heerd the like ! " says Bridget.

'* Oh, the villains ! to bring me where I would n't
have a bit o' clane linen to lie in ! "

" Sure, there 's blankets, I tell you."

Oh, don't talk to me ! " roared Andy ; " sure, you
know, sheets is only dacent."

^^ Bother, girl ! Is n't a snug woolly blanket a fine
thing?"

" Oh, don't brake my heart that-a-way!" sobbed
Andy ; " sure, there 's wool on any dirty sheep's back,
but linen is dacency ! Oh, mother, mother, if you
thought your poor girl was without a sheet this
night!"

And so Andy went on, spinning his bit of ^ linen
manufacture " as long as he could, and raising Bridget's
wonder that, instead of the lament which abducted
ladies generally raise about their ^^ vartue," this young
woman's principal complaint arose on the scarcity of
flax. Bridget appealed to common sense if blankets
were not good enough in these bad times; insisting,
moreover, that, as ^^ love was warmer than friendship,
so wool was warmer than flax," the beauty of which
parallel case nevertheless failed to reconcile the discon-
solate abducted. Now Andy had pushed his plea of
the want of linen as far as he thought it would go,
and when Bridget returned to the chai^, and reiterated
the oft-repeated " Come to bed, I tell you ! " Andy had
recourse to twiddling about his toes, and chattering his
teeth, and exclaimed in a tremulous voice, ^^ Oh, I 've a
thrimblin' all over me ! "

^^ Loosen the sthrings o' you, then," said Bridget, about
to suit the action to the word.



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Handy Andy 485



" Ow ! ow ! ** cried Andy, " don't touch me I 'm
ticklish."

" Then open the throat o* your gown yourself, dear,"
said Bridget.

'* I 've a cowld on my chest, and dar n't," said Andy ;
^^ but I think a dhrop of hot punch would do me good if
I had it."

" And plenty of it," said Bridget, " if that '11 plaze
you." She rose as she spoke, and set about getting
'^ the materials " for making punch.

Andy hoped, by means of this last idea, to drink
Bridget into a state of unconsciousness, and then make
his escape ; but he had no notion, until he tried, what a
capacity the gentle Bridget had for carrying tumblers of
punch steadily \ he proceeded as cunningly as possible,
and, on the score of ** the thrimblin' over him," repeated
the doses of punch, which, nevertheless, he protested he
could n't touch, unless Bridget kept him in countenance,
glass for glass; and Bridget genial soul was no
way loth ; for living in a still, and among smugglers, as
she did, it was not a trifle of stingo could bring her to a
halt. Andy, even with the advantage of the stronger
organisation of a man, found this mountain lass nearly
a match for him, and before the potations operated as he
hoped upon her, his own senses began to feel the influ-
ence of the liquor, and his caution became considerably
undermined.

Still, however, he resisted the repeated offers of the
couch proposed to him, declaring he would sleep in his
clothes, and leave to Bridget the full possession of her
lair.

The fire began to burn low, and Andy thought he
might facilitate his escape by counterfeiting sleep; so
feigning slumber as well as he could, he seemed to sink
into insensibility, and Bridget unrobed herself and retired
behind a rough screen.

It was by a great effort that Andy kept himself awake,

VOL. 11. 12



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486 Handy Andy

for his potations, added to his nocturnal excursion,
tended towards somnolency ; but the desire of escape,
and fear of a discovery and its consequences, prevailed
over the ordinary tendency of nature, and he remained
awake, watching every sound. The silence at last be-
came painful so still was it, that he could hear the
small crumbling sound of the dying embers as they
decomposed and shifted their position on the hearth,
and yet he could not be satisfied from the breathing
of the woman that she slept. After the lapse of half
an hour, however, he ventured te make some move-
ment. He had well observed the quarter in which the
outlet from the cave lay, and there was still a faint
glimmer from the fire to assist him in crawling towards
the trap. It was a relief when, after some minutes of
cautious creeping, he felt the fresh air breathing from
above, and a moment or two more brought him in
contact with the ladder. With the stealth of a cat
he began to climb the rungs he could hear the men
snoring on the outside of the cave : step by step as he
arose he felt his heart beat faster at the thought of
escape, and became more cautious. At length his
head emerged from the cave, aud he saw the men
lying about its mouth ; they lay close around it he
must step over them to escape the chance is fearful,
but he determines to attempt it he ascends still higher
his foot is on the last rung of the ladder the next
step puts him on the heather when he feels a hand
lay hold of him from below !

His heart died within him at the touch, and he could
not resist an exclamation.

*' Who *s that ? " exclaimed one of the men outside.
Andy crouched.

" Come down," said the voice softly from below ; ** if
Jack sees you, it will be worse for you."

It was the voice of Bridget, and Andy felt it was
better to be with her than exposed to the savagery of



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Handy Andy 487

Shan More and his myrmidons; so he descended quietly,
and gave himself up to the tight hold of Bridget, who,
with many asseverations that ^^ out of her arms she would
not let the prisoner go till morning," led him back to the
cave.



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CHAPTER XXXIX

** Great wit to madness nearly is allied.
And thin partitions do the bounds divide.**

SO sings the poet ; but whether the wit be great or
little, the ^ thin partition " separating madness
from sanity is equally mysterious. It is true that the
excitability attendant upon genius approximates so closely
to madness, that it is sometimes difficult to distinguish
between them ; but, without the attendant " genius " to
hold up the train of madness, and call for our special
permission and respect in any of its fantastic excursions,
the most ordinary crack-brain sometimes chooses to
sport in the regions of sanity, and, without the license
which genius is supposed to dispense to her children,
poach over the preserves of common sense. This is
a well-known fact, and would not be reiterated here, but
that the circumstances about to be recorded hereafter
might seem unworthy of belief; and as the veracity of
our history we would not have for one moment ques-
tioned, we have ventured to jog the memory of our
readers as to the close neighbourhood of madness and
common sense, before we record a curious instance of
intermitting madness in the old dowager O'Grady.

Her son's death had, by the violence of the shock,
dragged her from the region of fiction in which she
habitually existed ; but after the funeral she relapsed into
all her strange aberration, and her bird-clock and her
chimney-pot head-dress were once more in requisition.

The old lady had her usual attendance from her



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Handy Andy 489

granddaughter, and the customary offering of flowers
was rendered, but they were not so cared for as before,
and Charlotte was dismissed sooner than usual from her
morning's attendance, and a new favourite received in
her place. And "of all the birds in the air," who
should this favourite be but Master Ratty. Yes!
Ratty the caricaturist of his grandmamma, was, "for
the nonce," her closeted companion. Many a guess
was given as to " what in the world " grandmamma could
want with Ratty; but the secret was kept between
them, for this reason, that the old lady kept the reward
she promised Ratty for preserving it in her own hands,
until the duty she required on his part should be accom-
plished, and the shilling a day to which Ratty looked
forward kept him faithful.

Now the duty Master Ratty had to perform was
instructing his grandmamma how to handle a pistol ; the
bringing up quick to the mark, and levelling by "the
sight," was explained ; but a difficulty arose in the old
lady's shutting her left eye, which Ratty declared to be
indispensable, and for some time Ratty was obliged to
stand on a chair and cover his grandmamma's eye with
his hand while she took aim ; this was found incon-
venient, however, and the old lady substituted a black
silk shade to obfuscate her sinister luminary in her exer-
cises, which now advanced to snapping the lock, and
knocking sparks from the flint, which made the old lady
wink with her right eye. When this second habit was
overcome, the " dry " practice, that is, without powder,
was given up 5 and a " flash in the pan " was ventured
upon, but this made her shut both eyes together, and it
was some time before she could prevail on herself to
hold her eye fixed on her mark, and pull the trigger.
This, however, at last was accomplished, and when she
had conquered the fear of seeing the flash, she adopted
the plan of standing before a handsome old-fashioned
looking-glass which reached from the ceiling to the



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490 Handy Andy

floor, and levelling the pistol at her own reflection
within it, as if she were engaged in mortal combat ; and
every time she snapped and burned priming she would
exclaim, ^ I hit him that time ! I know I can kill him
tremble^ villain ! "

As long as this pistol practice had the charm of
novelty for Ratty, it was all very well ; but when, day
by day, the strange mistakes and nervousness of his
grandmamma became less piquant from repetition, it
was not such good fun; and when the rantipole boy,
after as much time as he wished to devote to the old
woman's caprice, endeavoured to emancipate himself
and was countermanded, an outburst of " OA, bother ! **
would take place, till the grandmother called up the
prospective shillings to his view, and Ratty bowed before
the altar of Mammon. But even Mammon &iled to
keep Ratty loyal ; for that heathen god, Momus, claimed
a superior allegiance ; Ratty worshipped the ^^ cap and
bells" as the true crown, and ^the bauble" as the
sovereign sceptre. Besides, the secret became trouble-
some to him, and he determined to let the whole house
know what ^^ gran " and he were about, in a way of his
own.

The young imp, in the next day's practice, worked
up the grandmamma to a state of great excitement,
urging her to take a cool and determined aim at the
looking-glass. ^^ Cover him well, gran," said Ratty.

** I will," said the dowager, resolutely.

** You ought to be able to hit him at six paces."

** I stand at twelve paces."

^^ No you are only six from the looking-glass."

^^ But the reflection, child, in the mirror, doubles the
distance."

"Bother!" said Ratty. "Here, take the pistol
mind your eye and don't wink."

^^ Ratty, you are singularly obtuse to the charms of
science."



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Handy Andy 491

What 's science ? " said Ratty.

^^ Science, child, is knowledge of a lofty and abstruse
nature, developing itself in wonderful inventions gun-
powder, for instance, is made by science.'*

"Indeed it is not," said Ratty; "I never saw his
name on a canister. Pigou, Andrew, and Wilks, or
Mister Dartford Mills, are the men for gunpowder.
You know nothing about it, gran."

" Ratty, you are disrespectful, and will not listen to
instruction. I knew Kirwan the great Kirwan, the
chemist, who always wore his hat "

"Then he knew chemistry better than manners."

"Ratty, you arc very troublesome. I desire you
listen, sir. Kirwan, sir, told me all about science, and
the Dublin Society have his picture, with a bottle in his
hand "

" Then he was fond of drink," said Ratty.

" Ratty, don't be pert. To come back to what I was
originally saying I repeat, sir, I am at twelve paces
from my object, six from the mirror, which, doubled by
reflection, makes twelve ; such is the law of optics. I
suppose you know what optics are ? "

"To be sure I do."

" Tell me, then."

" Our eyes," said Ratty.

^^ Eyes ! " exclaimed the old lady, in amaze.

" To be sure," answered Ratty, boldly. " Did n't I
hear the old blind man at the fair asking charity ^ for
the loss of his blessed optics ' ? "

** Oh, what lamentable ignorance, my child ! " ex-
claimed the old lady. " Your tutor ought to be ashamed
of himself."

" So he is," said Ratty. " He has n't had a pair of
new breeches for the last seven years, and he hides him-
self whenever he sees mamma or the girls."

^^ Oh, you ignorant child ! Indeed, Ratty, my love,
you must study. I will give you the renowned Kirwan's



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492 Handy Andy

book. Charlotte tore some of it for curl papers; but
there 's enough left to enlighten you with the sun's rays,
and reflection and refraction "

** I know what that is," said Ratty.

"What?"

** Refraction."

" And what is it, dear ? "

" Bad behaviour," said Ratty.

** Oh, Heavens ! " exclaimed his grandmother.

** Yes, it is," said Ratty, stoutly ; ** the tutor says I *m
refractory when I behave iU ; and he knows Latin better
than you."

** Ratty, Ratty ! you are hopeless ! " exclaimed his
grandmamma.

" No, I am not," said Ratty. " I 'm always hoping.
And I hope Uncle Robert will break his neck some day,
and leave us his money."

The old woman turned up her eyes, and exclaimed,
" You wicked boy ! "

" Fudge ! " said Ratty ; *' he *s an old shaver, and we
want it; and indeed, gran, you ought to give me ten
shillings for ten days' teaching, now ; and there 's a fair
next week, and I want to buy things."

" Ratty, I told you when you made me perfect in the
use of my weapon I would pay you. My promise is
sacred, and I will observe it with that scrupulous honour
which has ever been the characteristic of the family ; as
soon as I hit something, and satisfy myself of my mas-
tery over the weapon, the money shall be yours, but not
till then."

" Oh, very well," said Ratty ; " go on then. Ready
don't bring up your arm that way, like the handle of
a pump, but raise it nice from the elbow that 's it.
Ready fire ! Ah ! there you blink your eye, and drop
the point of your pistol try another. Ready fire !
That's better. Now steady the next time."

The young villain then put a charge of powder and



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Handy Andy 493

ball into the pistol he handed his grandmother, who took
steady aim at her reflection in the mirror, and at the
words, " Ready fire ! " bang went the pistol the
magnificent glass was smashed the unexpected recoil
of the weapon made it drop from the hand of the
dowager, who screamed with astonishment at the report
and the shock, and did not see for a moment the mis-
chief she had done ; but when the shattered mirror
caught her eyes, she made a rush at Ratty, who was
screeching with laughter in the far corner of the room
where he ran to when he had achieved his trick, and he
was so helpless from the excess of his cachinnation, that
the old lady cuffed him without his being able to defend
himself. At last he contrived to get out of her clutches
and jammed her against the wall with a table so tightly,
that she roared " Murder ! " The report of the pistol
ringing through the house brought all its inmates to the
spot; and there the cries of murder from the old lady led
them to suppose some awful tragedy, instead of a comedy,
was enacting inside; the door was locked, too, which
increased the alarm, and was forced in the moment of
terror from the outside. When the crowd rushed in.
Master Ratty rushed out, and left the astonished family
to gather up the bits of the story, as well as they could,
from the broken looking-glass and the cracked dowager.



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CHAPTER XL

THOUGH it is clear the serious events in the
O'Grady family had not altered Master Ratty's
propensities in the least, the case was far different with
Gustavus. In that one night of suffering which he had
passed, the gulf was leaped that divides the boy from the
man ; and the extra frivolity and carelessness which
clung from boyhood up to the age of fifteen was at
once, by the sudden disrupture produced by events, thrown
off, and as singular a ripening into manhood commenced.
Gustavus was of a generous nature; and even his
faults belonged less to his organisation than to the devil-
may-care sort of education he received, if education
it might be called. Upon his generosity the conduct
of Edward O'Connor beside the grave of the boy's
father had worked strongly \ and though Gustavus could
not give his hand beside the grave to the man with
whom his father had engaged in deadly quarrel, yet he
quite exonerated Edward from any blame; and when,
after a night more sleepless than Gustavus had ever
known, he rose early on the ensuing morning, he
determined to ride over to Edward O'Connor's house to
breakfast, and commence that friendship which Edward
had so solemnly promised to him, and with which the
boy was pleased ; for Gustavus was quite aware in
what estimation Edward was held ; and though the
relative circumstances in which he and the late Squire
stood prevented the boy from " caring a fig " for him, as
he often said himself, yet he was not beyond the influence
of that thing called " reputation," which so powerfully



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Handy Andy 495

attaches to and elevates the man who wins it ; and the
price at which Edward was held in the country influenced
opinion even in Neck-or-Nothing Hall, albeit though
^^ against the grain." Gustavus had sometimes heard,
from the lips of the idle and ignorant, Edward sneered
at for being " cruel wise," and " too much of a school-
master," and fit for nothing but books or a boudoir, and
called a " piano man," with all the rest of the hackneyed
** dirt " which jealous inferiority loves to fling at the
heights it cannot occupy \ for though as it has been
said Edward, from his manly and sensible bearing,
had escaped such sneers better than most men, still some
few there were to whom his merit was offensive.
Gustavus, however, though he sometimes heard such
things, saw with his own eyes that Edward could back
a horse with any man in the country was always fore-
most in the chace could bring down as many brace
of birds as most men in a day had saved one or two
persons from drowning ; and if he did all these things
as well as other men, Gustavus (though hitherto too idle
to learn much himself) did not see why a man should be
sneered at for being an accomplished scholar as well.
Therefore he had good foundation for being pleased at the
proffered friendship of such a man, and remembering
the poignancy of Edward's anguish on the foregoing eve,
Gustavus generously resolved to see him at once and
offer him the hand which a nice sense of feeling made
him withhold the night before. Mounting his pony, an
hour's smart riding brought him to Mount Eskar, for
such was the name of Mr. O'Connor's residence.

It was breakfast-time when Gustavus arrived, but
Edward had not yet left his room, and the servant went
to call him. It need scarcely be said that Edward had
passed a wretched night ; reaching home, as he did,
weary in mind and body, and with feelings and imagina-
tion both overwrought, it was long before he could sleep ;
and even then his slumber was disturbed by harassing



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496 Handy Andy

visions and frightful images. Spectral shapes and things
unimaginable to the waking senses danced and crawled
and hissed about him. The torch flared above the
grave, and that horrid coffin, with the name of the dead
O'Grady upon it, "murdered sleep." It was dawn
before anything like refreshing slumber touched his
feverish eyelids, and he had not enjoyed more than a
couple of hours of what might be called sleep, when the
servant called him ; and then, after the brief oblivion he
had obtained, one may fancy how he started when the
first words he heard on waking were, " Mister O'Grady
is below, sir."

Edward started up from his bed and stared wildly on
the man, as he exclaimed, with a look of alarm,
" O'Grady ! For God's sake, you don't say
O'Grady ? "

" 'T is Master Gustavus, sir," said the man, wonder-
ing at the wildness of Edward's manner.

" Oh, the boy ! ay, ay, the boy ! " repeated Ed-
ward, drawing his hands across his eyes and recovering
his self-possession. "Say I will be down presently."

The man retired, and Edward lay down again for
some minutes to calm the heavy beating of his heart
which the sudden mention of that name had produced ;
that name so linked with the mental agony of the past
night; that name which had conjured up a waking
horror of such might as to shake the sway of reason for
a time, and which afterwards pursued its reign of terror
through his sleep. After such a night, fancy poor
Edward doomed to hear the name of O'Grady again the
first thing in the morning, and we cannot wonder that
he was startled.

A few minutes, however, served to restore his self-
possession \ and he arose, made his toilet in haste, and
descended to the breakfast-parlour, where he was met by
Gustavus with an open hand, which Edward clasped
with fervour and held for some time as he looked on the



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Handy Andy 497

handsome face of the boy, and saw in its frank expres-
sion all that his heart could desire. They spoke not a
word, but they understood one another; and that
moment commenced an attachment which increased with
increasing intimacy, and became one of those steadfast
friendships which are seldom met with.

After breakfast Edward brought Gustavus to his
^^ den," as he called a room which was appropriated to
his own particular use, occupied with books and a small
collection of national relics. Some long ranges of that
peculiar calf binding, with its red label, declared at once
the contents to be law ; and by the dry formal cut of
the exterior gave little invitation to reading. The very
outside of a law library is repulsive; the continuity of
that eternal buff leather gives one a surfeit by anticipa^
tion, and makes one mentally exclaim in despair,
** Heavens ! how can any one hope to get all that into
his head ? " The only plain honest thing about bw is
the outside of the books where it is laid down there
all is simple; inside all is complex. The interlacing
lines of the binder's patterns find no place on the covers ;
but intricacies abound inside, where any line is easier
found than a straight one. Nor gold leaf nor tool is
employed without, but within how many fallacies are
enveloped in glozing words ; the gold leaf has its repre-
sentative in " legal fiction; " and as for " tooling^* there 's
plenty of that !

Othfcr books, also, bore external evidence of the
nature of their contents. Some old parchment covers
indicated the lore of past ages ; amidst these the brightest
names of Greece and Rome were to be found, as well
as those who have adorned our own literature, and
implied a cultivated taste on the part of the owner.
But one portion of the library was particularly well
stored. The works bearing on Irish history were
numerous, and this might well account for the ardour
of Edward's feelings in the cause of his country ; for



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498 Handy Andy

it is as impossible that a river should run backwards to
its source, as that any Irishman of a generous nature
can become acquainted with the real history of his
country, and not feel that she has been an ill-used and
neglected land, and not struggle in the cause of her
being righted. Much has been done iit the cause since
the days of which this story treats, and Edward was
amongst those who helped to achieve it ; but much has
still to be done, and there is glorious work in store for
present and future Edward O'Connors.

Along with the books which spoke the cause of Ire-
land, the mute evidences, also, of her former glory and
civilisation were scattered through the room. Various
ornaments of elegant form, and wrought in the purest
gold, were tastefully arranged over the mantel-piece ;
some, from their form, indicating their use, and others
only aiFording matter of ingenious speculation to the
antiquary, but all bearing evidence of early civilisation.
The frontlet of gold indicated noble estate, and the long
and tapering bodkin of the same metal, with its richly
enchased knob or pendent crescent, implied the robe
it once fastened could have been of no mean texture,
and the wearer of no mean rank. Weapons were there,
too, of elegant form and exquisite workmanship, wrought
in that ancient bronze, of such wondrous temper that
it carries effective edge and point. The sword was of
exact Phoenician mould ; the double-eyed spear-head,
formed at once for strength and lightness, might have
served as the model for a sculptor in arming the hand
of Minerva. Could these be the work of an unculti-
vated people ? Impossible ! The harp, too, was there,
that unfailing mark of polish and social elegance. The
bard and barbarism could never be coeval. But a relic
was there, exciting still deeper interest an ancient
crosier, of curious workmanship, wrought in the precious
metals and partly studded with jewels ; but few of the
latter remained, though the empty collets showed it had



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Handy Andy 499

once been costly in such ornaments. Could this be
seen without remembering that the light of Christianity
first dawned over the western isles in Ireland? that
there the Gospel was first preached, there the work of
salvation begun ?

There be cold hearts to which these touching recol-
lections do not pertain, and they heed them not \ and
some there are, who, with a callousness which shocks
sensibility, have the ignorant effrontery to ask, "Of
what use are such recollections ? " With such frigid
utilitarians it would be vain to argue ; but this question,
at least, may be put in return : Why should the
ancient glories of Greece and Rome form a large portion
of the academic studies of our youth ? why should
the evidences of their arts and their arms be held pre-
cious in museums, and similar evidences of ancient
cultivation be despised because they pertain to another
nation ? Is it because they are Irish they are held in
contempt ? Alas ! in many cases it is so ay, and
even (shame to say) within her own shores. But never
may that day arrive when Ireland shall be without enough
of true and fond hearts to cherish the memory of her
ancient glories, to give to her future sons the evidences
of her earliest western civilisation, proving that their
forefathers were not (as those say who wronged and
therefore would malign them) a rabble of rude barbarians,
but that brave kings, and proud princes, and wise law-
givers, and just judges, and gallant chiefs, and chaste
and lovely women were among them, and that inspired
bards were there to perpetuate such memories !

Gustavus had never- before seen a crosier, and asked
what it was. On being informed of its name, he then
said, " But what is a crosier ? "

" A bishop's pastoral staff," said Edward.

*' And why have you a bishop's staff, and swords, and
spears, hung up together ? "

" That is not inappropriate," said Edward. " Unfor-



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500 Handy Andy

tunately, the sword and the crosier have been frequently
but too intimate companions. Preaching the word of
peace has been too often the pretext for war. The
Spaniards, for instance, in the name of the gospel, com-
mitted the most fearful atrocities."

" Oh, I know," said Gustavus, " that was in the time
of bloody Mary and the Armada."

Edward wondered at the boy's ignorance, and saw in
an instant the source of his false application of his
allusion to the Spaniards. Gustavus had been taught to
vaguely couple the name of '' bloody Mary " with every-
thing bad, and that of " good Queen Bess " with all
that was glorious ; and the word " Spanish," in poor
Gusty's head, had been hitherto connected with two ideas,
namely, " liquorice " and the " Armada."

Edward, without wounding the sensitive shame of
ignorant youth, gently set him right, and made him
aware he had alluded to the conduct of the Spaniards
in America under Cortes and Pizarro.

For the first time in his life Gustavus was aware that
Pizarro was a real character. He had heard his grand-
mamma speak of a play of that name, and how great
Mr. Kemble was in Rollo, and how he saved a child ;
but as to its belonging to history, it was a new light
the utmost Gusty knew about America being that it
was discovered by Columbus.

"But the crosier," said Edward, "is amongst the
most interesting of Irish antiquities, and especially
belongs to an Irish collection, when you remember the
earliest preaching of Christianity in the western isles
was in Ireland."

" I did only know that," said the boy.

"Then you don't know why the shamrock is our
national emblem ? "

" No," said Gustavus, *' though I take care to mount
one in my hat every Patrick's day."

^Well," said Edward, anxious to give Gustavus



u^



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Handy Andy 501



credit for any knowledge he possessed, " you know at
least it is connected with the memory of St. Patrick,
though you don't know why. I will tell you. When
St. Patrick first preached the Christian faith in Ireland,
before a powerful chief and his people, when he spoke
of one God, and of the Trinity, the chief asked how one
could be in three. St. Patrick, instead of attempt-
ing a theological definition of the faith, thought a simple
image would best serve to enlighten a simple people, and
stooping to the earth he plucked from the green sod a
shamrock, and holding up the trefoil before them he
bade them there behold one in three. The chief, struck
by the illustration, asked at once to be baptised, and all
his sept followed his example."

" I never heard that before," said Gusty. " *T is very
beautiful."

" I will tell you something else connected with it,"
said Edward.

"After baptising the chief, St. Patrick made an elo-
quent exhortation to the assembled multitude, and in the
course of his address, while enforcing his urgent appeal
with appropriate gesture, as the hand which held his
crosier, after being raised towards heaven, descended
again towards the earth, the point of his staff, armed
with metal, was driven through the foot of the chief,
who, fencying it was part of the ceremony, and but a
necessary testing of the firmness of his faith, never
winced."

" He was a fine fellow," said Gusty. " And is that
the crosier ? " he added, alluding to the one in Edward's
collection, and manifestly excited by what he had
heard.

" No," said Edward, ^ but one of early date, and be-
longing to some of the first preachers of the gospel
amongst us."

" And have you other things here with such beautiful
stories belonging to them ? " inquired Gusty, eager
VOL. II. 13



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502 Handy Andy

for more of that romantic lore which youth loves so
passionately.

" Not that I know of," answered Edward \ " but if
these objects here had only tongues, if every sword, and
belt, and spear-head, and golden bodkin, and other trinket
could speak, no doubt we should hear stirring stories of
gallant warriors and their ladye-loves."

^^ Aye, that would be something to hear ! " exclaimed
Gusty.

" Well," said Edward, *' you may have many such
stories by reading the history of your country ; which if
you have not read, I can lend you books enough."

*' Oh, thank you," said Gusty ; " I should like it so
much."

Edward approached the book-shelf and selected a vol-
ume he thought the most likely to interest so little prac-
tised a reader ; and when he turned round he saw Gusty
poising in his hand an antique Irish sword of bronze.

" Do you know what that is ? " inquired Edward.

" I can't tell you the name of it," answered Gusty,
** but I suppose it was something to stick a fellow.^*

Edward smiled at *the characteristic reply, and told
him it was an antique Irish sword.

" A sword ? " he exclaimed. " Is n*t it short for a
sword ? "

" All the swords of that day were short."

" When was that ? " inquired the boy.

" Somewhere about two thousand years ago."

** Two thousand years," exclaimed Gusty, in surprise.
^^ How is it possible you can tell this is two thousand
years old ? "

^^ Because it is made of the same metal and of the
same shape as the swords found at Cannae, where the
Carthaginians fought the Romans."

^^ I know the Roman history," said Gusty, eager to
display his little bit of knowledge \ ^^ I know the Roman
history. Romulus and Remus were educated by a wolf."



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Handy Andy 503

Edward could not resist a smile, which he soon sup-
pressed, and continued: ^' Such works as you now hold
in your hand are found in quantities in Ireland, and sel-
dom anywhere else in Europe, except in Italy, particu-
larly at Cannse, where some thousands of Carthaginians
fell \ and when we find the sword of the same make and
metal in places so remote, it establishes a strong connect-
ing link between the people of Carthage and of Ireland,
and at once shows their date."

" How curious that is ! " exclaimed Gusty ; " and
how odd I never heard it before ! Are there many such
curious things you know ? '*

" Many," said Edward.

" I wonder how people can find out such odd things,'*
said the boy.

" My dear boy," said Edward, " after getting a cer-
tain amount of knowledge, other knowledge comes very
fast ; it gathers like a snowball or perhaps it would be
better to illustrate the fact by a milldam. You know,
when the water is low in the milldam, the miller cannot
drive his wheel ; but the moment the water comes up to
a certain level it has force to work the mill. And so it
is with knowledge ; when once you get it up to a cer-
tain level, you can ^work your mill,' with this great
advantage over the milldam, that the stream of knowl-
edge, once reaching the working level, never runs dry."

" Oh, I wish I knew as much as you do," exclaimed
Gusty.

" And so you can if you wish it," said Edward.

Gusty sighed heavily, and admitted he had been very
idle. Edward told him he had plenty of time before him
to repair the damage.

A conversation then ensued, perfectly frank on the
part of the boy, and kind on Edward's side to all his
deficiencies, which he found to be lamentable, as far as
learning went. He had some small smattering of Latin ;
but Gustavus vowed steady attention to his tutor and



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504 Handy Andy

his studies for the future. Edward, knowing what a
miserable scholar the tutor himself was, offered to put
Gustavus through his Latin and Greek himself. Gus-
tavus accepted the offer with gratitude, and rode over
every day to Mount Eskar for his lesson ; and, under
the intelligent explanations of Edward, the difficulties
which had hitherto discouraged him disappeared, and it
was surprising what progress he made. At the same
time he devoured Irish history, and became rapidly tinc-
tured with that enthusiastic love of all that belonged to
his country which he found in his teacher \ and Edward
soon hailed, in the ardent neophyte, a noble and intelli-
gent spirit redeemed from ignorance and rendered capa-
ble of higher enjoyments than those to be derived merely
from field sports. Edward, however, did not confine
his instructions to book-learning only ; there is much to
be learned by living with the educated, whose current
conversation alone is instructive ; and Edward had Gus-
tavus with him as constantly as he could \ and after some
time, when the frequency of Gusty's visits to Mount
Eskar ceased to excite any wonder at home, he some-
times spent several days together with Edward, to whom
he became continually more and more attached. Ed-
ward showed great judgment in making his training
attractive to his pupil : he did not attend merely to his
head ; he thought of other things as well ; joined him in
the sports and exercises he knew, and taught him those
in which he was uninstructed. Fencing, for instance,
was one of these ; Edward was a tolerable master of his
foil, and in a few months Gustavus, under his tuition,
could parry a thrust and make no bad attempt at a hit
himself. His improvement in every way was so remark-
able, that it was noticed by all, and its cause did not
long remain secret ; and when it was known, Edward
O'Connor's character stood higher than ever, and the
whole country said it was a lucky day for Gusty O'Grady
that he found such a friend.



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Handy Andy 505

As the limits of our story would not permit the in-
tercourse between Edward and Gustavus to be treated
in detail, this general sketch of it has been given \
and in stating its consequences so far, a peep into the
future has been granted by the author, with a benev-
olence seldom belonging to his ill-natured and crafty
tribe, who endeavour to hoodwink their docile followers
as much as possible, and keep them in a state of igno-
rance as to coming events. But now, having been so
indulgent, we must beg to lay hold of the skirts of
our readers and pull them back again down the lad-
der into the private still, where Bridget pulled back
Andy very much after the same fashion, and the results
of which we must treat of in our next chapter.



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w



CHAPTER XLI

HEN Bridget dragged Andy back and insisted
on his going to bed



No I will not be too good natured and tell my
story in that way ^ besides, it would be a very difficult
matter to tell it^ and why should an author, merely
to oblige people, get himself involved in a labyrinth
of difficulties, and rack his unfortunate brain to pick
and choose words properly to tell his story, yet at the
same time to lead his readers through the mazes of
this very ticklish adventure, without a single thorn
scratching their delicate feelings, or as much as mak-
ing the smallest rent in the white muslin lobe of pro-
priety ? So, not to run unnecessary risks, the story
must go on another way.



When Shan More and the rest of the " big black-
guards " began to wake, the morning after the abduction,
and gave a turn or two under their heather coverlid, and
rubbed their eyes as the sun peeped through the *' cur-
tains of the east " for these were the only bed-
curtains Shan More and his companions ever had
they stretched themselves and yawned, and felt very
thirsty, for they had all been blind drunk the night
before, be it remembered ; and Shan More, to use his
own expressive and poetic imagery, swore that his
tongue was " as rough as a rat's back," while his com-
panions went no further than saying theirs were as
*' dry as a lime-burner's wig.'*



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Handy Andy 507

We should not be so particular in those minute
details but for that desire of truth which has guided
us all through this veracious history ; and as in this
scene, in particular, we feel ourselves sure to be held
seriously responsible for every word, we are determined
to be accurate to a nicety, and set down every syllable
with stenographic strictness.

" Where 's the girl ? " cried Shan, not yet sober.

" She 's asleep with your sisther," was the answer.

" Down-stairs ? " inquired Shan.

** Yes," said the other, who now knew that Big Jack
was more drunk than he at first thought him, by his
using the words stairs ; for Jack when he was drunk
was very grand, and called iiown the ladiier ^^ downstairs."

** Get me a drink o' wather," said Jack, " for I 'm
thundherin' thirsty, and can't deludher that girl with
soft words till I wet my mouth."

His attendant vagabond obeyed the order, and a large
pitcher full of water was handed to the master, who
heaved it upwards to his head and drank as audibly
and nearly as much as a horse. Then holding his
hands to receive the remaining contents of the pitcher,
which his followers poured into his monstrous palms,
he soused his face, which he afterwards wiped in a
wisp of grass the only towel of Jack's which was
not then at the wash.

Having thus made his toilet, Big Jack went down-
stairs, and as soon as his great bull-head had disappeared
beneath the trap, one of the men above said, " We '11
have a sbilloe soon, boys."

And sure enough they did before long hear an extra-
ordinary row. Jack first roared for Bridget, and no
answer was returned; the call was repeated with as
little effect, and at last a most tremendous roar was
heard above, but not from a female voice. Jack
was heard below, swearing like a trooper, and, in a
minute or two, back he rushed ^^up^stairs" and began



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5o8 Handy Andy

cursing his myrmidons most awfully, and foaming at the
mouth with rage.

" What 's the matther ? " cried the men.

'* Matther ! " roared Jack ; " oh, you 'tarnal villains !
You 're a purty set to carry off a girl for a man a
purty job you 'vc made of it ! "

" Arrah, did n't we bring her to you ? "

'' Her^ indeed bring her much good what you
brought is to me ! "

'^ Tare an' ouns ! what 's the matther at all ? We
dunna what you mane ! " shouted the men, returning
rage for rage.

" Come down, and you Ml see what 's the matther,"
said Jack, descending the ladder ; and the men hastened
after him.

He led the way to the further end of the cabin, where
a small glimmering of light was permitted to enter from
the top, and lifting a tattered piece of canvas, which
served as a screen to the bed, he exclaimed, with a
curse, " Look there, you blackguards ! "

The men gave a shout of surprise, for what do
you think they saw? An empty bed!



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CHAPTER XLII

IT may be remembered that, on Father Phil's recom-
mendation, Andy was to be removed out of the
country to place him beyond the reach of Larry Hogan's
machinations, and that the proposed journey to London
afforded a good opportunity of taking him out of the
way. Andy had been desired by Squire Egan to repair
to Merryvale ; but as some days had elapsed and Andy
had not made his appearance, the alarms of the Squire
that Andy might be tampered with began to revive, and
Dick Dawson was therefore requested to call at the
Widow Rooney's cabin as he was returning from the
town, where some business with Murphy, about the peti-
tion against Scatterbrain's return, demanded his presence.

Dick, as it happened, had no need to call at the
widow's, for on his way to the town who should he
see approaching but the renowned Andy himself. On
coming up to him, Dick pulled up his horse, and Andy
pulled off his hat.

*' God save your honour," said Andy.

" Why did n't you come to Merryvale, as you were
bid?" said Dick.

** I could n't, sir, becase "

" Hold your tongue, you thief; you know you never
can do what you're bid you are always wrong one
way or other."

" You 're hard on me, Misther Dick."

" Did you ever do anything right ? I ask yourself? "

^^ Indeed, sir, this time it was a rale bit o' business I
had to do."



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5IO Handy Andy

^^ And well you did it, no doubt. Did you many any
one lately?'' said Dick, with a waggish grin and a
wink.

^^ Faix, then, maybe I did," said Andy, with a know-
ing nod.

" And I hope Matty is well ? " said Dick .

"Ah, Misther Dick, you're always goin' on with
your jokin', so you are. So, you heerd o' that job, did
you? Faix, a purty lady she is oh, it's not her at all
I am married to, but another woman."

" Another woman ! " exclaimed Dick, in surprise.

" Yis, sir, another woman a kind craythur."

" Another woman ! " reiterated Dick, laughing ; " mar-
ried to two women in two days ! Why you 're worse
than a Turk!"

"Ah, Misther Dick!"

** You Tarquin ! "

" Sure, sir, what harm 's in it ? "

"You Heliogabalus!!"

"Sure, it's no &ult o' mine, sir."

" Bigamy, by this and that, flat bigamy ! You '11 only
be hanged, as sure as your name 's Andy."

" Sure, let me tell you how it was, sir, and you '11 see
I am quit of all harm, good or bad. 'T was a pack
o' blackguards, you see, come to take oflF Oonah, sir."

" Oh, a case of abduction ! "

" Yis, sir ; so the women dhressed me up as a girl,
and the blackguards, instead of the seduction of Oonah,
only seduced me."

" Capital ! " cried Dick ; " well done, Andy ! And
who seduced you ? "

"Shan More^ 'faith no less."

" Ho, ho ! a dangerous customer to play tricks on,
Andy."

" Sure enough, 'faith, and that 's partly the rayson of
what happened; but, by good luck. Big Jack was blind
dhrunk when I got there, and I shammed screechin' so



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Handy Andy 511

well that his sisther took pity on me, and said she 'd
keep me safe from harm in her own bed that night.'*

Dick gave a " view hallo " when he heard this, and
shouted with laughter, delighted at the thought of Shan
More, instead of carrying off a girl for himself, intro-
ducing a gallant to his own sister.

"Oh, now I see how you are married," said Dick^
"that was the biter bit indeed."

" Oh, the divil a bit I 'd ha* bit her only for the cross
luck with me, for I wanted to schame off out o' the
place, and escape ; but she would n't let me, and cotch
me and brought me back."

" I should think she would, indeed," said Dick, laugh'
ing. " What next ? "

" Why I drank a power o' punch, sir, and was off my
guard, you see, and could n't keep the saycret so well
afther that, and by dad she found it out."

" Just what I would expect of her," said Dick.

" Well, do you know, sir, though the thrick was agen
her own brother, she laughed at it a power, and said I was
a great divil, but that she could n't blame me. So then
I 'd sthruv to coax her to let me make my escape, but
she told me to wait a bit till the men above Wi^s faster
asleep ; but while I was waitin' for them to go to sleep,
faix, I went to asleep myself, I was so tired \ and when
Bridget, the crathur, 'woke me in the morning, she was
cryin' like a spout afther a thunder-storm, and said her
characther would be ruined when the story got abroad
over the counthry, and sure she dar n't face the world if
I would n't make her an honest woman."

"The brazen ba^age!" said Dick; "and what did
you say ? "

"Why what could any man say, sir, afther that?
Sure her karacther would be gone if "

" Gone," said Dick, " 'faith it might have gone fur-
ther before it fared worse."

" Arrah ! what do you mane, Misther Dick ? "



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512 Handy Andy

"Pooh, pooh! Andy you don't mean to say you
married that one ? ''

Faix, I did," said Andy.

" Well, Andy," said Dick, grinning, " by the powers,
you have done it this time ! Good morning to you ! '*
and Dick put spurs to his horse.



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CHAPTER XLIII

ANDY, " knocked all of a heap," stood in the mid-
dle of the road, looking after Dick as he cantered
down the slope. It was seldom poor Andy was angry
but he felt a strong sense of indignation choking him
as Dick's parting words still rung in his ears. ^^ What
does he mane ? " said Andy, talking aloud v ^^ what does
he mane ? " he repeated, anxious to doubt and therefore
question the obvious construction which Dick's words
bore. " Misther Dick is fond of a joke, and maybe
this is one of his making ; but if it is, 't is not a &ir
one, 'pon my sowl : a poor man has his feelin's as well
as a rich man. How would you like your own wife to
be spoke of that way, Misther Dick, as proud as you
ride your horse there humph ? "

Andy, in great indignation, pursued his way towards
his mother's cabin to ask her blessing upon his mar-
riage. On his presenting himself there, both the old
woman and Oonah were in great delight at witnessing
his safe return; Oonah particularly, for she, feeling
that it was for her sake Andy placed himself in danger,
had been in a state of great anxiety for the result of
the adventure, and, on seeing him, absolutely threw her-
self into his arms, and embraced him tenderly, impress-
ing many a hearty kiss upon his lips, between whiles
that she vowed she would never forget his generosity
and courage, and ending with saying there was noth-
ing she would not do for him.

Now Andy was flesh and blood like other people, and



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SH Handy Andy

as the showers of kisses from Oonah's ripe lips fell fast
upon him he was not insensible to the embrace of so
very pretty a girl a girl, moreover, he had always had
a " sneaking kindness " for, which Oonah's distance of
manner alone had hitherto made him keep to himself;
but now, when he saw her eyes beam gratitude, and her
cheek flush, after her strong demonstration of regard, and
heard her last words, so very like a hint to a shy man, it
must be owned a sudden pang shot through poor Andy's
heart, and he sickened at the thought of being married,
which placed the temptii^ prize before him hopelessly
beyond his reach.

He looked so blank, and seemed so unable to return
Oonah's fond greetii^, that she felt the pique which
every pretty woman experiences who fancies her favours
disregarded, and thought Andy the stupidest lout she
ever came across. Turning up her hair, which had
fallen down in the excess of her friendship, she walked
out of the cottage, and, biting her disdainful lip, fairly
cried for spite.

In the meantime, Andy popped down on his knees
before the widow, and said, "Give me your blessing,
mother ! "

" For what, you omadhawn ? " said his mother,
fiercely; for her woman's nature took part with Oonah's
feelings, which she quite comprehended, and she was
vexed with what she thought Andy's disgusting insensi-
bility. " For what should I give you my blessing ? "

" Bekase I 'm marri'd, ma'am."

What ! " exclaimed the mother. *^ It 's not marri'd
again you are ? You 're jokin' sure."

" Faix, it 's no joke," said Andy, sadly, " I 'm marri'd
sure enough ; so give us your blessin', anyhow," cried
he, still kneeling.

" And who did you dar^ for to marry, sir, if I make
so bowld to ax, without my lave or license ? "

" There was no time for axin', mother 't was done



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Handy Andy 515

in a hurry, and I can't help it, so give us your blessing
at once.'*

** Tell me who is she, before I give you my blessin' ? "

" Shan More*s sister, ma'am."

^^ What ! " exclaimed the widow, staggering back
some paces ^^Shan More's sisther, did you say
Bridget rhua^ is it?"

" Yis, ma'am."

" Oh, wirrasthru ! plillelew ! millia murther ! "
shouted the mother, tearing her cap off her head, -
"Oh blessed Vargin, holy St. Dominick, Pcther an'
Paul the 'possel, what '11 I do ? Oh, patther an' ave

you dirty bosthoon blessed angels and holy marthyrs !

kneelin' there in the middle o' the flure as if nothing
happened look down on me this day, a poor vartuous
dissolute woman ! Oh, you disgrace to me and all
belonging to you, and is it the impidence to ask my
blessin' you have, when it 's a whippin' at the cart's tail
you ought to get, you shameless scapegrace ? "

She then went wringing her hands, and throwing them
upwards in appeals to Heaven, while Andy still kept
kneeling in the middle of the cabin, lost in wonder.

The widow ran to the door and called Oonah in.

" Who do you think that blackguard is marri'd to ? "
said the widow.

" Married ! " exclaimed Oonah, growing pale.

*^ Ay, marri'd, and who to, do you think ? Why to
Bridget rhua**

Oonah screamed and clasped her hands.

Andy got up at last, and asked what they were
making such a rout about ; he was n't the first man who
married without asking his mother's leave ; and wanted
to know what they had to " say agen it."

** Oh, you barefaced scandal o' the world ! " cried the
widow, "to ax sitch a question to marry a thrampin'

sthreel like that a great red-headed jack "

^ Red-haired Bridget.



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5i6 Handy Andy

She can't help her hair," said Andy.

^^ I wish I could cut it off, and her head along with
it, the sthrap ! Oh, blessed Vargin ! to have my
daughter-in-law '*

" What ? " said Andy, getting rather alarmed.

" That all the country knows is "

" What ? " cried Andy.

" Not a fair nor a market-town does n*t know her as
well as Oh, wirra ! wirra ! "

"Why you don't mane to say anything agen her
charackther, do you ? " said Andy.

" Charakther, indeed ! " said his mother, with a sneer.

" By this an' that," said Andy, " if she was the child
unborn she couldn't make a greater hullabaloo about
her charakther than she did the mornin' afther."

" Afther what ? " said his mother.

^^ Afther I was tuk away up to the hill beyant, and

found her there, and but I b'lieve I did n't tell you

how it happened."

^^ No," said Oonah, coming forward, deadly pale, and
listening anxiously, with a look of deep pity in her
soft eyes.

Andy then related his adventure as the reader already
knows it ; and when it was ended, Oonah burst into
tears and in passionate exclamations blamed herself for
all that had happened, saying it was in the endeavour
to save her that Andy had lost himself.

** Oh, Oonah ! Oonah ! " said Andy, with more
meaning in his voice than the girl had ever heard before,
" it is n't the loss of myself I mind, but I *ve lost you
too. Oh, if you had ever given me a tendher word or
look before this day, 't would never have happened, and
that desaiver in the hills never could have deludhered
me. And tell me, lanna machree^ is my suspicions right
in what I hear tell me the worst at oncet is she
mn compos?^*

"Oh, I never heerd her called by that name



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Handy Andy 517

before/' sobbed Oonah, **but she has a great many
others just as bad."

" Ow ! ow ! ow ! " exclaimed Andy. " Now I know
what Misther Dick laughed at; well, death before
dishonour I '11 go 'list for a sojer, and never live
with her!"



VOL. II. 14



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CHAPTER XLIV

IT has been necessary in an earlier chapter to notice
the strange freaks madness will sometimes play.
It was then the object to show how strong affections
of the mind will recall an erring judgment to its true
balance; but, the action of the counterpoise growing
weaker by time, the disease returns, and reason again
kicks the beam. Such was the old dowager's case : the
death of her son recalled her to herself; but a few days
produced relapse, and she was as foolish as ever. Never-
theless, as Polonius remarks of Hamlet,

There is method in his madness;'^

SO in the dowager's case there was method not of a
sane intention, as the old courtier implies of the Danish
Prince, but of msane birth begot of a chivalrous feel-
ing on an enfeebled mind.

To make this clearly understood it is necessary to
call attention to one other peculiarity of madness,
that, while it makes those under its influence liable to
say and enact all sorts of nonsense on some subjects, it
never impairs their powers of observation on those
which chance to come within the reach of the un-
diseased portion of the mind; and moreover, they are
quite as capable of arriving at just conclusions upon
what they so see and hear, as the most reasonable person,
and, perhaps, in proportion as the reasoning power is
limited within a smaller compass, so the capability of
observation becomes stronger by being concentrated.

Such was the case with the old dowager, who, while



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Handy Andy 519

Furlong was" doing devotion" to Augusta, and appeared
the pink of faithful swains, saw very clearly that Furlong
did not like it a bit, and would gladly be off his bargain.
Yea, while the people in their sober senses on the same
plane with the parties were taken in, the old lunatic, even
from the toppling height of her own mad chimney-pot,
could look down and see that Furlong would not marry
Augusta if he could help it.

It was even so. Furlong had acted under the influ-
ence of terror when poor Augusta, shoved into his bed-
room through the devilment of that rascally imp. Ratty,
and found there, through the evil destiny of Andy, was
flung into his arms by her enraged father, and accepted
as his wife. The immediate hurry of the election had
delayed the marriage the duel and its consequences
further interrupted " the happy event" and O'Grady's
death caused a further postponement. It was delicately
hinted to Furlong, that when matters had gone so far
as to the wedding-dresses being ready, that the sooner
the contracting parties under such circumstances were
married, the better. But Furlong, with that afi^ectation
of propriety which belongs to his time-serving tribe,
pleaded the ** regard to appearances " "so soon after
the ever-to-be-deplored event," and other such spe-
cious excuses, which were but covers to his own ras-
cality, and used but to postpone the " wedding-day."
The truth was, the moment Furlong had no longer the
terrors of O'Grady's pistol before his eyes, he had re-
solved never to take so bad a match as that with Augusta
appeared to be indeed was, as far as regarded money ;
though Furlong should only have been too glad to be
permitted to mix his plebeian blood with the daughter of
a man of high family, whose crippled circumstances and
consequent truckling conduct had reduced him to the
wretched necessity of making such a cur as Furlong the
inmate of his house. But so it was.

The family began at last to suspect the real state of



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520 Handy Andy

the case, and all were surprised except the old dowager ;
she had expected what was coining, and had prepared
herself for it. All her pistol practice was with a view
to call Furlong to the ^^ last arbitrament " for this slight
to her house. Gusty was too young, she considered, for
the duty ; therefore she, in her fantastic way of looking
at the matter, looked upon herself as the head of the
family, and, as such, determined to resent the affront
put upon it.

But of her real design the family at Neck-or-Nothing
Hall had not the remotest notion. Of course, an old
lady going about with a pistol, powder-flask, and bullets,
and practising on the trunks of the trees in the park,
could not pass without observation, and surmises there
were on the subject; then her occasional exclamation
of ** Tremble, villain ! " would escape her ; and some-
times in the family circle, after sitting for a while in a
state of abstraction, she would lift her attenuated hand
armed with a knitting-needle or a ball of worsted, and
assuming the action of poising a pistol, execute a smart
click with her tongue, and say, ** I hit him that time."

These exclamations, indicative of vengeance, were
supposed at length by the family to apply to Edward
O'Connor, but excited pity rather than alarm. When,
however, one morning, the dowager was nowhere to be
found, and Ratty and the pistols had also disappeared,
an inquiry was instituted as to the old lady's where-
abouts, and Mount Eskar was one of the first places
where she was sought, but without success; and all
other inquiries were equally unavailing.

The old lady had contrived, with that cunning pecu-
liar to insane people, to get away from the house at
an early hour in the morning, unknown to all except
Ratty, to whom she confided her intention, and he
managed to get her out of the domain unobserved,
and thence together they proceeded to Dublin in a post-
chaise.



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Handy Andy 521

It was the day after this secret expedition was under-
taken that Mr. Furlong was sitting in his private apart-
ment at the Castle, doing " the state some service " by
reading the morning papers, which heavy official duty
he relieved occasionally by turning to some scented
notes which lay near a morocco writing-case, whence
they had been drawn by the lisping dandy to flatter his
vanity. He had been carrying on a correspondence
with an anonymous fair one, in whose heart, if her
words might be believed. Furlong had made desperate
havoc.

It happened, however, that these notes were all ficti-
tious, being the work of Tom Loftus, who enjoyed play-
ing on a puppy as much as playing on the organ ; and
he had the satisfaction of seeing Furlong going through
his paces in certain squares he had appointed, wearing a
flower of Tom's choice and going through other antics
which Tom had demanded under the signature of
^^ Phillis," written in a delicate hand on pink satin note-
paper with a lace border ; one of the last notes suggested
the possibility of a visit from the lady, and, after assur-
ances of " secrecy and honour " had been returned by
Furlong, he was anxiously expecting *^ what would be-
come of it ; " and filled with pleasing reflections of what
" a devil of a fellow " he was among the ladies, he
occasionally paced the room before a handsome dressing-
glass (with which his apartment was always furnished),
and ran his fingers through his curls with a complacent
smile. While thus occupied, and in such a frame of
mind, the hall messenger entered the apartment, and
said a lady wished to see him.

" A lady ! " exclaimed Furlong, in delighted surprise.

** She won't give her name, sir, but "

^^ Show her up ! show her up ! " exclaimed the
Lothario, eagerly.

All anxiety, he awaited the appearance of his donna *,
and quite a donna she seemed, as a commanding figure.



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522 Handy Andy

dressed in black, and enveloped in a rich veil of the
same, glided into the room.

" How vewy Spanish ! ** exclaimed Furlong, as he
advanced to meet his incognita, who, as soon as she
entered, locked the door, and withdrew the key.

" Quite pwactised in such sec wet affairs," said Fur-
long slily. " Fai' lady, allow me to touch you' fai'
hand, and lead you to a seat."

The mysterious stranger made no answer; but lifting
her long veil, turned round on the lisping dandy, who
staggered back, when the dowager O'Grady appeared
before him, drawn up to her full height, and anything
but an agreeable expression in her eye. She stalked up
towards him, something in the style of a spectre in a
romance, which she was not very unlike; and as she
advanced, he retreated, until he got the table between
him and this most unwelcome apparition.

**I am come," said the dowager, with an ominous
tone of voice.

" Vewy happy of the hono', I am sure, Mistwess
O'Gwady," faltered Furlong.

" The avenger has come." Furlong opened his eyes.
" I have come to wash the stain ! " said she, tapping
her fingers in a theatrical manner on the table, and, as it
happened, she pointed to a large blotch of ink on the
table-cover. Furlong opened his eyes wider than ever,
and thought this the queerest bit of madness he ever
heard of; however, thinking it best to humour her, he
answered, " Yes, it was a little awkwa'dness of mine
I upset the inkstand the othe' day."

^^ Do you mock me, sir ? " said she, with increasing
bitterness.

" La, no ! Mistwess O'Gwady."

" I have come, I say, to wash out in your blood the
stain you have dared to put on the name of O'Grady."

Furlong gasped with mingled amazement and fear.

^* Tremble, villain ! " she said ; and she pointed



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Handy Andy 523

toward him her long attenuated finger with portentous
solemnity.

*' I wcally am quite at a loss, Mistwess O'Gwady, to
compwehend "

Before he could finish his sentence, the dowager had
drawn from the depths of her side-pockets a brace of
pistols, and presenting them to Furlong, said, ^^ Be at a
loss no longer, except the loss of life which may ensue :
take your choice of weapons, sir."

" Gwacious Heaven ! " exclaimed Furlong, trembling
from head to foot.

" You won't choose, then ? " said the dowager.
" Well, there 's one for you ; " and she laid a pistol be-
fore him with as courteous a manner as if she were
making him a birthday present.

Furlong stared down upon it with a look of horror.

^ Now we must toss for choice of ground," said the
dowager. ^^ I have no money about me, for I paid my
last half-crown to the post-boy, but this will do as well
for a toss as anything else;" and she laid her hands on
the dressing-glass as she spoke. ^^ Now the call shall be
* safe,' or ' smash ; ' whoever calls * safe,' if the glass
comes down unbroken, has the choice, and vice versa.
I call first ^ Smash ^ " said the dowager, as she flung
up the dressing-glass, which fell in shivers on the floor.
" I have won," said she ; " oblige me, sir, by standing
in that far corner. I have the light in my back and
you will have something else in yours before long ; take
your ground, sir,"

Furlong, finding himself thus cooped up with a mad
woman, in an agony of terror suddenly bethought him-
self of instances he had heard of escape, under similar
circumstances, by coinciding to a certain extent with the
views of the insane people, and suggested to the dowager
that he hoped she would not insist on a duel without
their having a " friend " present.

** I beg your pardon, sir," said the old lady : " I quite



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524 Handy Andy

forgot that form, in the excitement of the moment,
though I have not overlooked the necessity altogether,
and have come provided with one."

" Allow me to wing for him," said Furlong, rushing to
the bell.

'' Stop ! " exclaimed the dowager, levelling her pistol
at the bell-pull ; ^^ touch it, and you are a dead man ! "

Furlong stood riveted to the spot where his rush had
been arrested.

" No interruption, sir, till this little afFair is settled.
Here is my friend," she added, putting her hand into her
pocket and pulling out the wooden cuckoo of her clock.
" My little bird, sir, will see fair between us \ " and she
perched the painted wooden thing, with a bit of feather
grotesquely sticking up out of its nether end, on the
morocco letter-case.

" Oh, Lord ! " said Furlong.

^^ He 's a gentleman of the nicest honour, sir ! " said
the dowager, pacing back to the window.

Furlong took advantage of the opportunity of her back
being turned, and rushed at the bell, which he pulled
with great fury.

The dowager wheeled round with haste. ^ So you
have rung," said she, " but it shall not avail you the
door is locked; take your weapon, sir, quick!
what ! a coward ! "

" Weally, Mistwess O'Gwady, I cannot think of
deadly arbitrament with a lady."

" Less would you like it with a man, poltroon ! " said
she, with an exaggerated expression of contempt in her
manner. " However," she added, " if you are a coward,
you shall have a coward's punishment." She went to a
corner where stood a great variety of handsome canes,
and laying hold of one, began soundly to thrash Furlong,
who feared to make any resistance or attempt to disarm
her of the cane, for the pistol was yet in her other hand.

The bell was answered by the servant, who, on find-



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Handy Andy 525

ing the door locked, and hearing the row inside, be-
gan to knock and inquire loudly what was the matter.
The question was more loudly answered by Furlong,
who roared out, " Bweak the door ! bweak the door ! "
interlarding his directions with cries of " mu'der ! "

The door at length was forced. Furlong rescued, and
the old lady separated from him. She became perfectly
calm the moment other persons appeared, and was re-
placing the pistols in her pocket, when Furlong requested
the ^^ dweadful weapons " might be seized. The old
lady gave up the pistols very quietly, but laid hold of her
bird and put it back into her pocket.

^^ This is a dweadful violation ! " said Furlong, ^^ and
my life is not safe unless she is bound ove' to keep the
peace."

^ Pooh ! pooh ! " said one of the gentlemen from the
adjacent ofSce, who came to the scene on hearing the
uproar, " binding over an old lady to keep the peace
nonsense ! "

^^ I insist upon it," said Furlong, with that stubborn-
ness for which fools are so remarkable.

" Oh very well ! " said the sensible gentleman, who
left the room.

A party, pursuant to Furlong's determination, pro-
ceeded to the head police-ofSce close by the Castle, and
a large mob gathered as they went down Cork-hill and
followed them to Exchange-court, where they crowded
before them in front of the office, so that it was with
difficulty the principals could make their way through
the dense mass.

At length, however, they entered the office; and
when Major Sir heard any gentleman attached to the
Government wanted his assistance, of course he put any
other case aside, and had the accuser and accused called
up before him.

Furlong made his charge of assault and battery, with
intent to murder, &c., &c.



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526 Handy Andy

"Some mad old rebel, I suppose/* said Major Sir.
" Do you remember '98, ma'am ? " said the major.

" Indeed I do, sir and I remember you too : Major
Sir I have the honour to address, if I don't mistake."

" Yes, ma'am. What then ? "

" I remember well in '98 when you were searching
for rebels, you thought a man was concealed in a dairy-
yard in the neighbourhood of my mother's house, major,
in Stephen's Green ; and you thought he was hid in a
hay-rick, and ordered your sergeant to ask for the loan of
a spit from my mother's kitchen to probe the haystack."

" Oh ! then, madam, your mother was loyal^ I
suppose."

" Most loyal, sir."

" Give the lady a chair," said the major.

"Thank you, I don't want it but, major, when
you asked for the spit, my mother thought you were
going to practise one of your delightfully ingenious bits
of punishment, and asked the sergeant who it was you
were going to roast f "

The major grew livid on the bench where he sat, at
this awkward reminiscence of one of his friends, and a
dead silence reigned through the crowded office. He
recovered himself, however, and addressed Mrs. O'Grady
in a mumbling manner, telling her she must give security
to keep the peace, herself and find friends as sureties.
On asking her had she any friends to appear for her, she
declared she had.

"A gentleman of the nicest honour, sir," said the
dowager, pulling her cuckoo from her pocket, * Indeed, you're not," said Edward, laying his hand
kindly on the boy's shoulder j '* you have plenty of
courage."

" I 'd have licked him," said Ratty, " if they 'd have
let me have two or three rounds more."

" My dear boy, other things are needful in this world
besides courage. Prudence, temper, and forbearance



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Handy Andy 537

are required ; and this may be a lesson to you, to re-
member, that, when you get abroad in the world, you
are very little cared about, however great your conse-
quence may be at home; and I am sure you cannot be
proud about your having got into a quarrel with a
sweeps

Ratty made no answer his blood began to cool
he became every moment more sensible that he had re-
ceived heavy blows. His eyes became more swollen, he
snuffled more in his speech, and his blackened condi-
tion altogether, from gutter, soot, and thrashing, con-
vinced him a fight with a sweep was not an enviable
achievement.

The coach drew up at the hotel. Edward left Gusty
to see about the dowager, and made an appointment for
Gusty to meet him at their own lodgings in an hour;
while he in the interim should call on Dick Dawson,
who was in town on his way to London.

Edward shook hands with Ratty and bade him kindly
good bye. "You're a stout fellow. Ratty," said he,
** but remember this old saying, ' ^arreUome dogs get
dirty coats.* "

Edward now proceeded to Dick's lodgings, and found
him engaged in reading a note from Tom Durfy, dated
from the " Bower of Repose," and requesting Dick's aid
in his present difficulty.

" Here 's a pretty kettle of fish," said Dick : " Tom
Durfy, who is engaged to dine with me to-day to take
leave of his bachelor life, as he is going to be married
to-morrow, is arrested, and now in quod^ and wants me
to bail him."

" The shortest way is to pay the money at once," said
Edward ; " is it much ? "

"That I don't know; but I have not a great deal
about me, and what I have I want for my journey to
London and my expenses there not but what I 'd help
Tom if I could."



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538 Handy Andy

^^ He must not be allowed to remain there^ however
we manage to get him out/' said Edward ; " perhaps I
can help you in the aiFair."

"You're always a good fellow, Ned," said Dick,
shaking his hand warmly.

Edward escaped from hearing any praise of himself
by proposing they should repair at once to the sponging-
house, and see how matters stood. Dick lamented he
should be called away at such a moment, for he was
just going to get his wine ready for the party particu-
larly some champagne, which he was desirous of seeing
well iced ; but as he could not wait to do it himself, he
called Andy, to give him directions about it, and set off
with Edward to the relief of Tom Durfy.

Andy was once more in service in the Egan family j
for the Squire, on finding him still more closely linked
by his marriage with the desperate party whose influence
over Andy was to be dreaded, took advantage of Andy's
disgust against the woman who had entrapped him, and
offered to take him off to London instead of enlisting ;
and as Andy believed he would be there sufficiently out
of the way of the false Bridget, he came ofF at once to
Dublin with Dick, who was the pioneer of the party
to London.

Dick gave Andy the necessary directions for icing the
champagne, which he set apart and pointed out most par-
ticularly to our hero, lest he should make a mistake and
perchance ice the port instead.

After Edward and Dick had gone, Andy commenced
operations according to orders. He brought a large tub
up-stairs containing rough ice, which excited Andy's
wonder, for he never had known till now that ice was
preserved for and applied to such a use, for an ice-house
did not happen to be attached to any establishment in
which he had served.

" Well, this is the quarest thing I ever heerd of,"
said Andy. " Musha ! what outlandish inventions the



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Handy Andy 539

quolity has among them ! They *re not contint with
wine, but they must have ice along with it and in a
tub, too ! just like pigs ! throth it 's a dirty thrick, I
think. Well, here goes ! " said he ; and Andy opened
a bottle of champagne, and poured it into the tub with
the ice. " How it fizzes ! " said Andy, ** Faix, it 's al-
most as lively as the soda-wather that bothered me long
ago. Well, I know more about things now ; sure it 's
wondherful how a man improves with practice!"-^
and another bottle of champagne was emptied into the
tub as he spoke. Thus, with several other complacent
comments upon his own proficiency, Andy poured half-
a-dozen of champagne into the tub of ice, and remarked,
when he had finished his work, that he thought it would
be " mighty cowld on their stomachs."

Dick and Edward all this time were on their way to
the relief of Tom Durfy, who, though he had cooled
down from the boiling-pitch to which the misadventure
of the morning had raised him, was still simmering^ with
his elbows planted on the rickety table in Mr, Goggins'
** bow^r," and his chin resting on his clenched hands.
It was the very state of mind in which Tom was most
dangerous.

At the other side of the table sat James Reddy,
intently employed in writing ; his pursed mouth and
knitted brows bespoke a labouring state of thought, and
the various crossings, interlinings, and !)lottings gave ad-
ditional evidence of the same, while now and then a rush
at a line which was knocked off in a hurry, with slash-
ing dashes of the pen, and fierce after-crossings of /*j,
and determined dottings of i*x, declared some thought
suddenly seized, and executed with bitter triumph.

" You seem very happy in yourself in what you are
writing," said Tom. "What is it? Is it another
epithalamium ? "

" It is a caustic article against the successful men of



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540 Handy Andy

the day/' said Reddy ; " they have no merit, sir none.
'T is nothing but luck has placed them where they are,
and they ought to be exposed." He then threw down
his pen as he spoke, and, after a silence of some minutes,
suddenly put this question to Tom :

" What do you think of the world ? "

"'Faith, I think it so pleasant a place," said Tom,
" that I 'm confoundedly vexed at being kept out of it
by being locked up here ; and that cursed bailiiF is so
provokingly free-and-easy coming in here eveiy ten
minutes, and making himself at home."

" Why, as for that matter, it is his home, you must
remember."

" But while a gentleman is here for a period," said
Tom, '* this room ought to be considered his, and that
fellow has no business here and then his bows and
scrapes, and talking about the feelings of a gentleman,
and all that 't is enough to make a dog beat his father.
Curse him ! I 'd like to choke him."

" Oh ! that 's merely his manner," said James.

" Want of manners, you mean," said Tom. " Hang
me, if he comes up to me with his rascally familiarity
again, but I '11 kick him down stairs."

" My dear fellow, you are excited," said Reddy ;
'* don't let these sublunary trifles ruffle your temper
you see how I bear it ; and to recall you to yourself, I
will remind you of the question we started from, ' What
do you think of the world ? ' There 's a general ques-
tion a broad question, upon which one may talk with
temper and soar above the petty grievances of life in the
grand consideration of so ample a subject. You see me
here, a prisoner like yourself, but I can tadk of the world.
Come, be a calm philosopher, like me ! Answer, what
do you think of the world ? "

" I 've told you already," said Tom ; " it 's a capital
place, only for the bailiffs."

** I can't agree with you," said James. " I think it



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Handy Andy 541

one vast pool of stagnant wretchedness, where the mala^
ria of injustice holds her scales suspended, to poison
rising talent by giving an undue weight to existing
prejudices."

To this lucid and good-tempered piece of philosophy,
Tom could only answer, " You know I am no poet, and
I cannot argue with you j but, 'pon my soul, I have
known, and do know, some uncommon good fellows in
the world."

" You 're wrong, you *re wrong, my unsuspecting
friend. 'T is a bad world, and no place for susceptible
minds. Jealousy pursues talent like its shadow supe-
riority alone wins for you the hatred of inferior men.
For instance, why am / here ? The editor of my paper
will not allow my articles always to appear; pre-
vents their insertion, lest the effect they would make
would cause inquiry, and tend to my distinction ; and
the consequence is, that the paper / came to uphold
in Dublin is deprived of my articles, and / don't get
paid ; while / see inferior men, without asking for it,
loaded with favour ; they are abroad in affluence, and /
in captivity and poverty. But one comfort is, even in
disgrace I can write, and they shall get a slashing."

Thus spoke the calm philosopher, who gave Tom a
lecture on patience.

Tom was no great conjuror; but at that moment, like
Audrey, " he thanked the gods he was not poetical."
If there be any one thing more than another to make an
" every-day man " content with his average lot, it is the
exhibition of ambitious inferiority, striving for distinc-
tion it can never attain ; just given sufficient perception
to desire the glory of success, without power to measure
the strength that can achieve it ; like some poor fly, which
beats its head against a pane of glass, seeing the sunshine
beyond, but incapable of perceiving the subtle medium
which intervenes too delicate for its limited sense to
comprehend, but too strong for its limited power to pass.



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542 Handy Andy

But though Tom felt satisfaction at that moment, he
had too good feeling to wound the self-love of the vain
creature before him ; so, instead of speaking what he
thought, viz., ^^ What business have you to attempt
literature, you conceited fool ? " he tried to wean him
civilly from his folly by saying, " Then come back to
the country, James ; if you find jealous rivals bere^ you
know you were always admired there.^*

" No, sir," said James 5 " even there my merit was
unacknowledged."

** No ! no ! " said Tom.

" Well, underrated, at least. Even there, that Ed
ward O'Connor, somehow or other, I never could tell
why I never saw his great talents but somehow or
other, people got it into their heads that he was clever."

'' I tell you what it is," said Tom, earnestly, ** Ned-
of-the-Hill has got into a better place than people's
heads he has got into their hearts ! "

" There it is ! " exclaimed James, indignantly. " You
have caught up the cuckoo-cry the heart ! Why, sir,
what merit is there in writing about feelings which any
common labourer can comprehend ? There *s no poetry
in that ; true poetry lies in a higher sphere, where you
have difficulty in following the flight of the poet, and
possibly may not be fortunate enough to understand him
that 's poetry, sir."

" I told you I am no poet," said Tom ; " but all I
know is, I have felt my heart warm to some of Ed-
ward's songs, and, by jingo, I have seen the women's
eyes glisten, and their cheeks flush or grow pale, as they
have heard them and that 's poetry enough for me."

"Well, let Mister O'Connor enjoy his popularity,
sir, if popularity it may be called, in a small country
circle let him enjoy it I don't envy him hisy though
I think he was rather jealous about mine."

" Ned jealous ! " exclaimed Tom, in surprise.

" Yes, jealous ; I never heard him say a kind word of



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Handy Andy 543

any verses I ever wrote in my life ; and I am certain he
has most unkind feelings towards me."

" I tell you what it is," said Tom, " getting up " a
bit ; " I told you I don't understand poetry, but I do un-
derstand what 's an infinitely better thing, and that 's
fine, generous, manly feeling j and if there 's a human
being in the world incapable of wronging another in his
mind or heart, or readier to help his fellow-man, it is
Edward O'Connor: so say no more, James, if you
please."

Tom had scarcely uttered the last word, when the key
was turned in the door.

" Here 's that infernal bailiff again ! " said Tom,
whose irritability, increased by Reddy's paltry egotism
and injustice, was at its boiling-pitch once more. He
planted himself firmly in his chair, and putting on his
fiercest frown, was determined to confront Mister
Goggins with an aspect that should astonish him.

The door opened, and Mister Goggins made his
appearance, presenting to the gentlemen in the room
the hinder portion of his person, which made several
indications of courtesy performed by the other half of
his body, while he uttered the words, ^^ Don't be aston-
ished, gentlemen ; you '11 be used to it by-and-by." And
with these words he kept backing towards Tom, making
these nether demonstrations of civility, till Tom could
plainly see the seams in the back of Mr. Goggins's
pantaloons.

Tom thought this was some new touch of the
" free-and-easy " on Mister Goggins's part, and, losing
all command of himself, he Jumped from his chair, and
with a vigorous kick gave Mister Goggins such a lively
impression of his desire that he should leave the room,
that Mister Goggins went head foremost down the
stairs, pitching his whole weight upon Dick Dawson
and Edward O'Connor, who were ascending the dark
stairs, and to whom all his bows had been addressed.



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544 Handy Andy

Overwhelmed with astonishment and twelve stone of
bailiff, they were thrown back into the hall, and an
immense uproar in the passage ensued.

Edward and Dick were near coming in for some hard
usage from Goggins, conceiving it might be a precon-
certed attempt on the part of his prisoners and their
newly arrived friends to achieve a rescue \ and while he
was rolling about on the ground, he roared to his evil-
visaged janitor to look to the door first, and keep him
from being "murthered" after.

Fortunately no evil consequences ensued, until matters
could be explained in the hall, and Edward and Dick
were introduced to the upper room, from which Goggins
had been so suddenly ejected.

There the bailiiF demanded in a very angry tone the
cause of Tom's conduct \ and when it was found to be
only a mutual misunderstanding that Goggins would n't
take a liberty with a gentleman " in defficulties " for the
world, and that Tom would n't hurt a fly, " only under
a mistake " matters were cleared up to the satisfaction
of all parties, and the real business of the meeting com-
menced ; that was to pay Tom's debt out of hand ;
and when the bailiiF saw all demands, fees included,
cleared off, the clouds from his brow cleared oiF also,
he was the most amiable of sherifPs officers, and all
his sentimentality returned.

Edward did not seem quite to sympathise with his
amiability, so Goggins returned to the charge, while
Tom and Dick were exchanging a few words with
James Reddy.

" You see, sir," said Goggins, *' in the first place, it
is quite beautiful to see the mind in adversity bearing
up against the little antediluvian afflictions that will
happen occasionally, and then how fine it is to remark
the spark of generosity that kindles in the noble heart
and rushes to the assistance of the destitute ! I do
assure you, sir, it is a most beautiful sight to see the



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Handy Andy 545

gentlemen in defficulties waitin' here for their friends to
come to their relief, like the last scene in Blue Beard,
where sister Ann waves her handkerchief from the tower
the tyrant is slain and virtue rewarded !

" Ah, sir ! " said he to Edward O'Connor, whose
look of disgust at the wretched den caught the bailifPs
attention, ^^ don't entertain an antifassy from first impris-
sions, which is often desaivin'. I do pledge you my
honour, sir, there is no place in the 'varsal world where
human nature is visible in more attractive colours than
in this humble retrait."

Edward could not conceal a smile at the fellow's
absurdity, though his sense of the ridiculous could not
overcome the disgust with which the place inspired him.
He gave an admonitory touch to the elbow of Dick
Dawson, who, with his friend Tom Durfy, followed
Edward from the room, the bailiiF bringing up the rear,
and relocking the door on the unfortunate James Reddy,
who was left '^ alone in his glory," to finish his slashing
article against the successful men of the day.

Nothing more than words of recognition had passed
between Reddy and Edward. In the first place,
Edward's appearance at the very moment the other was
indulging in illiberal observations upon him rendered the
ill-tempered poetaster dumb \ and Edward attributed this
distance of manner to a feeling of shyness which Reddy
might entertain at being seen in such a place, and there-
fore had too much good breeding to thrust his civility
on a man who seemed to shrink from it ; but when he
left the house he expressed his regret to his companions
at the poor fellow's unfortunate situation.

It touched Tom Durfy's heart to hear these expres-
sions of compassion coming from the lips of the man he
had heard maligned a few minutes before by the very
person commiserated, and it raised his opinion higher
of Edward, whose hand he now shook with warm
expressions of thankfulness on his awn account, for



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546 Handy Andy

the prompt service rendered to him. Edward made
as light of his own kindness as he could, and begged
Tom to think nothing of such a trifle.

" One word I will say to you, Durfy, and I *m sure
you'll pardon me for it."

"Could you say a thing to offend me?" was the
answer.

'^ You are to be married soon, I understand ? "

*' To-morrow," said Tom.

" Well, my dear Durfy, if you owe any more money,
take a real friend's advice, and tell your pretty good-
hearted widow the whole amount of your debts before
you many her."

" My dear O'Connor," said Tom, " the money you've
lent me now is all I owe in the world ; 't was a tailor's
bill, and I quite forgot it. You know, no one ever
thinks of a tailor's bill. Debts, indeed ! " added Tom,
with surprise ; ^^ my dear fellow, I never could be much
in debt, for the devil a one would trust me."

" An excellent reason for your unencumbered state,**
said Edward, ^^ and I hope you pardon me."

" Pardon ! " exclaimed Tom, *' I esteem you for your
kind and manly frankness."

In the course of their progress towards Dick's
lodgings, Edward reverted to James Reddy's wretched
condition, and found it was but some petty debt for
which he was arrested. He lamented, in conunon with
Dick and Tom, the infatuation which made him desert
a duty he could profitably perform by assisting his father
in his farming concerns, to pursue a literary path, which
could never be any other to him than one of thorns.

As Edward had engaged to meet Gusty in an hour,
he parted from his companions and pursued his course
alone. But, instead of proceeding immediately home-
ward, he retraced his steps to the den of the bailiflF and
gave a quiet tap at the door. Mister Goggins himself
answered to the knock, and began a loud and florid



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Handy Andy 547

welcome to Edward, who stopped his career of elo-
quence by laying a finger on his lip in token of silence.
A few words sufficed to explain the motive of his visit.
He wished to ascertain the sum for which the gentleman
up-stairs was detained. The bailiiF informed him \ and
the money necessary to procure the captive's liberty was
placed in his hand.

The bailiiF cast one of his melodramatic glances at
Edward, and said, " Did n't I tell you, sir, this was the
place for calling out the noblest feelings of human
nature ? "

^^ Can you oblige me with writing materials ? " said
Edward.

^ I can, sir," said Goggins, proudly, " and with other
materials * too, if you like and 'pon my honour, I '11 be
proud to drink your health, for you 're a raal gintleman."

Edward, in the civilest manner, declined the oflFer,
and wrote, or rather tried to write, the following note,
with a pen like a skewer, ink something thicker than
mud, and on whity-brown paper :

^ Dear Sir, I hope you will pardon the liberty
I have taken in your temporary want of money. You
can repay me at your convenience. Yours,

"E. O'C."

Edward left the den, and so did James Reddy soon
after a better man. Though weak, his heart was
not shut to the humanities of life and Edward's
kindness, in opening his eyes to the wrong he had
done one man, induced in his heart a kinder feeling
towards all. He tore up his slashing article against
successful men. Would that every disappointed man
would do the same.

The bailiiF was right : even so low a den as his
becomes ennobled by the presence of active benevo-
lence and prejudice reclaimed.

1 The name given in Ireland to the necessary materials for the
compounding of whisky-punch.



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CHAPTER XLVII

EDWARD, on returning to his hotel, found Gusty
there before him, in great delight at having seen
a ^ splendid " horse, as he said, which had been brought
for Edward's inspection, he having written a note on
his arrival in town to a dealer stating his want of a first-
rate hunter.

" He 's in the stable now," said Gusty ; " for I
desired the man to wait, knowing you would be here
soon."

** I cannot sec him now. Gusty," said Edward : *' will
you have the kindness to tell the groom I can look at
the horse in his own stables when I wish to purchase ? "

Gusty departed to do the message, somewhat in won-
der, for Edward loved a fine horse. But the truth was,
Edward's disposable money, which he had intended
for the purchase of a hunter, had a serious inroad
made upon it by the debts he had discharged for other
men, and he was forced to forego the pleasure he had
proposed to himself in the next hunting season; and
he did not like to consume any one's time, or raise
false expectations, by affecting to look at disposable
property with the eye of a purchaser, when he knew
it was beyond his reach ; and the flimsy common-places
of " I '11 think of it," or " If I don't sec something bet-
ter," or any other of the twenty hackneyed excuses
which idle people make, after consuming busy men's
time, Edward held to be unworthy. He could ride a
hack and deny himself hunting for a whole season, but



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Handy Andy 549

he would not unnecessarily consume the useful time
of any man for ten minutes.

This may be sneered at by the idle and thoughtless \
nevertheless, it is a part of the minor morality which
is ever present in the conduct of a true gentleman.

Edward had promised to join Dick's dinner-party
on an impromptu invitation, and the clock striking the
appointed hour warned Edward it was time to be oiF;
so, jumping up on a jaunting car, he rattled oiF to
Dick's lodgings, where a jolly party was assembled
ripe for fun.

Amongst the guests was a rather remarkable man, a
Colonel Crammer, who had seen a monstrous deal of
service one of Tom Durfy's friends whom he had
asked leave to bring with him to dinner. Of course,
Dick's card and a note of invitation for the gallant
colonel were immediately despatched j and he had but
just arrived before Edward, who found a bustling sen-
sation in the room as the colonel was presented to those
already assembled, and Tom Durfy giving whispers,
aside, to each person touching his friend; such as
"Very remarkable man" "Seen great service"
" A little odd or so " "A fund of most extraor-
dinary anecdote," &c., &c.

Now this Colonel Crammer was no other than Tom
Loftus, whose acquaintance Dick wished to make, and
who had been invited to the dinner after a preliminary
visit ; but Tom sent an excuse in his own name, and
preferred being present under a fictitious one this
being one of the odd ways in which his humour broke
out, desirous of giving people a " touch of his quality "
before they knew him. He was in the habit of assum-
ing various characters; a methodist missionary the
patentee of some unheard-of invention the director
of some new joint-stock company in short, anything
which would give him an opportunity of telling tre-
mendous bouncers was equally good for Tom. His

VOL. II. l6



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550 Handy Andy

reason for assuming a military guise on this occasion
was to bother Moriarty, whom he knew he should meet^
and held a special reason for tormenting ; and he knew
he could achieve this, by throwing all the stories Mori-
arty was fond of telling about his own service into the
shade, by extravagant inventions of ^^ hair-breadth
'scapes '' and feats by ^^ flood and field." Indeed, the
dinner would not be worth mentioning but for the
extraordinary capers Tom cut on the occasion, and
the unheard-of lies he squandered.

Dinner was announced by Andy, and with good
appetite soup and fish were soon despatched ; sherry
followed as a matter of necessity. The second course
appeared, and was not long under discussion when Dick
called for the " champagne."

Andy began to drag the tub towards the table, and
Dick, impatient of delay, again called ** champagne."

" I 'm bringin' it to you, sir," said Andy, tugging at
the tub.

" Hand it round the table," said Dick.

Andy tried to lift the tub, ^^to hand it round the
table \ " but, finding he could not manage it, he whis-
pered to Dick, " I can't get it up, sir."

Dick, fancying Andy meant he had got a flask not in
a sufficient state of eflFervescence to expel its own cork^
whispered in return, " Draw it, then."

"I was dhrawin* it to you, sir, when you stopped
me.

" Well, make haste with it," said Dick.

^^ Mister Dawson, I '11 trouble you for a small slice
of the turkey," said the colonel.

*'With pleasure, colonel; but first do me. the honour
to take champagne. Andy champagne ! "

" Here it is, sir ! " said Andy, who had drawn the tub
close to Dick's chair.

" Where *s the wine, sir ? " said Dick, looking first at
the tub and then at Andy.



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Handy Andy 551

"There, sir/' said Andy, pointing down to the ice.
" I put the wine into it, as you towld me/*

Dick looked again at the tub, and said, " There is not
a single bottle there what do you mean, you stupid
rascal ? "

" To be sure, there 's no bottle there, sir. The
bottles is all on the sideboord, but every dhrop o' the
wine is in the ice, as you towld me, sir ; if you put
your hand down into it, you *11 feel it, sir."

The conversation between master and man growing
louder as it proceeded attracted the attention of the
whole company, and those near the head of the table
became acquainted as soon as Dick with the mistake
Andy had made, and could not resist laughter \ and as
the cause of their merriment was told from man to man,
and passed round the board, a roar of laughter uprose,
not a little increased by Dick's look of vexation, which
at length was forced to yield to the infectious merriment
around him, and he laughed with the rest, and making a
joke of the disappointment, which is the very best way
of passing one off, he said that he had the honour of
originating at his table a magnificent scale of hospitality ;
for though he had heard of company being entertained
with a whole hogshead of claret, he was not aware of
champagne being ever served in a tub before. The
company were too determined to be meriy to have their
pleasantry put out of tune by so trifling a mishap, and it
was generally voted that the joke was worth twice as
much as the wine. Nevertheless, Dick could not help
casting a reproachful look now and then at Andy, who
had to run the gauntlet of many a joke cut at his
expense, while he waited upon the wags at dinner, and
caught a lowly muttered anathema whenever he passed
near Dick's chair. In short, master and man were both
glad when the cloth was drawn, and the party could be
left to themselves.

Then, as a matter of course, Dick called on the



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552 Handy Andy

gentlemen to charge their glasses and fill high to a toast
he had to propose they would anticipate to whom he
referred a gentleman who was going to change his
state of freedom for one of a happier bondage, &c., &c.
Dick dashed oiF his speech with several mirth-moving
allusions to the change that was coming over his friend
Tom, and, having festooned his composition with the
proper quantity of " rosy wreaths," &c., &c., &c.,
naturally belonging to such speeches, he wound up with
some hearty words free from badinage^ and meaning
all they conveyed, and finished with the rhyming benedic-
tion of a " long life and a good wife " to him.

Tom having returned thanks in the same laughing
style that Dick proposed his health, and bade farewell to
the lighter follies of bachelorship for the more serious
ones of wedlock, the road was now open for any one
who was vocally inclined. Dick asked one or two, who
said they were not within a bottle of their singing-point
yet, but Tom Durfy was sure his friend the colonel
would favour them.

" With pleasure," said the colonel ; " and I '11 sing
something appropriate to the blissful situation of philan-
dering in which you have been indulging of late, my
friend. I wish I could give you any idea of the song
as I heard it warbled by the voice of an Indian princess,
who was attached to me once, and for whom I ran
enormous risks but no matter that's past and gone,
but the soft tones of Zulima's voice will ever haunt my
heart ! The song is a favourite where I heard it on
the borders of Cashmere, and is supposed to be sung by
a fond woman in the valley of the nightingales 't is so
in the original, but as we have no nightingales in Ireland,
I have substituted the dove in the little translation I have
made, which, if you will allow me, I '11 attempt."

Loud cries of " Hear, hear ! " and tapping of applaud-
ing hands on the table followed, while the colonel gave
a few preliminary hems ; and after some little pilot tones



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Handy Andy 553

from his throat, to show the way, his voice ascended in
all the glory of song.

THE DOVE^ONG



" Cm/ Cm/ Coo! Coo!

Thus did I hear the turtle-dove.
Coo! Coo! Coo!

Munnuring forth her love ;
And as she flew from tree to tree.
How melting seemed the notes to mc

Coo! Coo! Coo!
So like the voice of lovers,

*T was passing sweet to hear
The birds within the covers.

In the spring-time of the year.

II

"Cw/ Coo! Coo! Coo!

Thus the song's returned again
Coo! Coo! Coo!

Through the shad^ glen -y
But there I wandered lone and sad.
While every bird around was glad.
Coo! Coo! Coo!
Thus so fondly murmured they,

Coo! Coo! Coo!
While mj love was away.
And yet the song to lovers,

Though sad, is sweet to hear.
From birds within the covers.
In the spring-time of the year.'*

The colonel's song, given with Tom Loftus* good
voice, was received with great applause, and the fellows
all voted it catching, and began " cooing " round the
table like a parcel of pigeons.

" A translation from an eastern poet, you say ? "

" Yes," said Tom.

"*T is not very eastern in its character," said Moriarty.



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554 Handy Andy

"I mean a free translation, of course," added the
mock colonel.

(( Would you favour us with the song again, in the
original ? " added Moriarty.

Tom Loftus did not know one syllable of any. other
language than his own, and it would not have been
convenient to talk gibberish to Moriarty, who had a
smattering of some of the eastern tongues; so he
declined giving his Cashmerian song in its native purity,
because, as he said, he never could manage to speak their
dialect, though he understood it reasonably well.

^^ But there *s a gentleman, I am sure, will sing some
other song and a better one, I have no doubt," said
Tom, with a very humble prostration of his head on the
table, and anxious by a fresh song to get out of the
dilemma in which Moriarty's question was near placing
him.

^^ Not a better, colonel," said the gentleman who was
addressed, ^^ but I cannot refuse your call, and I will do
my best ; hand me the port wine, pray ; I always take a
glass of port before I sing I think 't is good for the
throat what do you say, colonel ? "

" When I want to sing particularly well," said Tom,
" I drink canary.**

The gentleman smiled at the whimsical answer, tossed
off his glass of port, and began.

LADY MINE



** Lady mine ! lady mine !
Take the rosy wreath I twine.
All its sweets are less than thine.

Lady, lady mine !
The blush that on thy cheek is found
Bloometh fresh the nvhoU year round ;
Thy sweet breath as sweet gives sund^

Lady, lady mine t



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Handy Andy 555



Lady mine 1 lady mine !
How I love the graceful vine.
Whose tendrils mock thy ringlets' twine.

Lady, lady mine !
How I love that gen^ous tree.
Whose ripe clusters promise me
Bumpers bright, to pledge to tktt^
Lady, lady mine 1

III

Lady mine ! lady mine (

Like the stars that nightly shine.
Thy sweet eyes shed light divine.

Lady, lady mine !
And as sages wise, of old.
From the stars could fate unfold.
Thy bright eyes mj fortune told.
Lady, lady mine ! **

The song was just in the style to catch gentlemen
after dinner the second verse particularly, and many
a glass was emptied of a ^ bumper bright," and pledged
to the particular ^thee^* which each individual had
selected for his devotion. Edward, at that moment,
certainly thought of Fanny Dawson.

Let teetotallers say what they please, there is a genial
influence inspired by wine and song not in excess,
but in that wholesome d^ree which stirs the blood and
warms the fancy ; and as one raises the glass to the lip,
over which some sweet name is just breathed from the
depth of the heart, what libation so fit to pour to absent
friends as wine? What is wine? It is the grape
present in another form ; its essence is there, though the
fruit which produced it grew thousands of miles away,
and perished years ago. So the object of many a tender
thought may be spiritually present, in defiance of space
and fond recollections cherished in defiance of time.

As the party became more convivial, the mirth began
to assume a broader form. Tom Durfy drew out



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556 Handy Andy

Moriarty on the subject of his services, that the mock
colonel might throw every new achievement into the
shade; and this he did in the most barefaced manner,
but mixing so much of probability with his audacious
fiction, that those who were not up to the joke only
supposed him to be a very great romancer ; while those
friends who were in Loftus' confidence exhibited a most
capacious stomach for the marvellous, and backed up his
lies with a ready credence. If Moriarty told some fear-
ful incident of a tiger hunt, the colonel capped it with
something more wonderful, of slaughtering lions in a
wholesale way, like rabbits. When Moriarty expatiated
on the intensity of tropical heat, the colonel would up-
set him with something more appalling.

"Now, sir," said Loftus, "let me ask you what is
the greatest amount of heat you have ever experienced
I say experienced^ not heard of for that goes for
nothing. I always speak from experience."

" Well, sir," said Moriarty, " I have known it tp be
so hot in India, that I have had a hole dug in the ground
under my tent, and sat in it, and put a table standing
over the hole, to try and guard me from the intolerable
fervour of the eastern sun, and even then I was hot.
What do you say to that, colonel ? " asked Moriarty,
triumphantly.

" Have you ever been in the West Indies ? " inquired
Loftus.

"Never," said Moriarty, who, once entrapped into
this admission, was directly at the colonel's mercy,
and the colonel launched out fearlessly.

" Then, my good sir, you know nothing of heat. I
have seen in the West Indies an umbrella burned over
a man's head."

" Wonderful ! " cried Loftus* backers.

"'Tis strange, sir," said Moriarty, "that we have
never seen that mentioned by any writer."

" Easily accounted for, sir," said Loftus. " 'T is so



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Handy Andy 557

common a circumstance, that it ceases to be worthy of
observation. An author writing of this country might
as well remark that the apple-women are to be seen
sitting at the comers of the streets. That 's nothing,
sir ; but there are two things of which I have personal
knowledge, rather remarkable. One day of intense heat
(even for that climate) I was on a visit at the plantation
of a friend of mine, and it was so out-o'-the-way scorch-
ing, that our lips were like cinders, and we were obliged
to have black slaves pouring sangaree down our throats
by gallons I don't hesitate to say gallons and we
thought we could not have survived through the day;
but what could we think of our sufferings, when we
heard that several n^roes, who had gone to sleep under
the shade of some cocoa-nut trees, had been scalded to
death?"

" Scalded ? *' said his friends ; " burnt, you mean.'*

" No, scalded ; and hvo) do you think ? The intensity
of the heat had cracked the cocoa-nuts, and the boiling
milk inside dropped down and produced the fatal result.
The same day a remarkable accident occurred at the
battery ; the French were hovering round the island at
the time, and the governor, being a timid man, ordered
the guns to be always kept loaded."

" I never heard of such a thing in a battery in my
life, sir," said Moriarty.

" Nor I either," said Loftus, " till then."

"What was the governor's name, sir?" inquired
Moriarty, pursuing his train of doubt.

" You must excuse me, captain, from naming him,"
said Loftus, with readiness, ^^ after incautiously saying he
was timid!^

^^ Hear, hear ! " said all the friends.

" But to pursue my story, sir : the guns were loaded,
and with the intensity of the heat went off, one after
another, and quite riddled one of his Majesty's frigates
that was lying in the harbour."



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558 Handy Andy

^^ That 's one of the most difScult riddles to compre-
hend I ever heard," said Moriarty.

" The frigate answered the riddle with her guns, sir,
I promise you."

** What ! " exclaimed Moriarty, " fire on the fort of
her own king ? "

'^ There is an honest principle exists among sailors,
sir, to return fire under all circumstances, wherever it
comes from, friend or foe. Fire, of which they know
the value so well, they won't take from anybody."

" And what was the consequence ? " said Moriarty.

^ Sir, it was the most harmless broadside ever delivered
from the ports of a British frigate ; not a single house
or human being was injured the day was so hot that
every sentinel had sunk on the ground in utter exhaustion
the whole population were asleep; the only loss of
life which occurred was that of a blue macaw, which
belonged to the commandant's daughter."

** Where was the macaw, may I beg to know ? " said
Moriarty, cross-questioning the colonel in the spirit of
a counsel for the defence on a capital indictment.

" In the drawing-room window, sir."

^^ Then surely the ball must have done some damage
in the house ? "

" Not the least, sir," said Loftus, sipping his wine.

" Surely, colonel ! " returned Moriarty, warming, " the
ball could not have killed the macaw without injuring
the house ? " ,

"My dear sir," said Tom, **I did not 'say the haU
killed the macaw, I said the macaw was killed ; but that
was in consequence of a splinter from an epaulement of
the south-east angle of the fort which the shot struck
and glanced off harmlessly except for the casualty of
the macaw."

Moriarty returned a kind of grunt, which implied
that, though he could not further question^ he did not be^
lirue. Under such circumstances, uking snuff is a great



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Handy Andy 559

relief to a man ; and, as it happened, Moriarty, in tak-
ing snuiF, could gratify his nose and his vanity at the
same time, for he sported a silver-gilt snuiF-box which
was presented to him in some extraordinary way, and
bore a grand inscription.

On this ^^ piece of plate " being produced, of course
it went round the table, and Moriarty could scarcely
conceal the satisfaction he felt as each person read the
engraven testimonial of his worth. When it had gone
the circuit of the board, Tom Loftus put his hand into
his pocket and pulled out the butt-end of a rifle, which
is always furnished with a small box, cut out of the solid
part of the wood and covered with a plate of brass act-
ing on a hinge. This box, intended to carry small im-
plements for the use of the rifleman, to keep his piece in
order, was filled with snufF, and Tom said, as he laid it
down on the table, ^^ This is my snuiF-box, gentlemen ;
not as handsome as my gallant friend's at the opposite
side of the table, but extremely interesting to me. It
was previous to one of our dashing affairs in Spain that
our riflemen were thrown out in front and on the flanks.
The rifles were supported by the light companies of the
regiments in advance, and it was in the latter duty I was
engaged. We had to feel our way through a wood, and
had cleared it of the enemy, when, as we debouched
from the wood on the opposite side, we were charged by
an overwhelming force of Polish lancers and cuirassiers.
Retreat was impossible resistance almost hopeless.
* My lads,* said I, ' we must do something novel here, or
we are lost startle them by fresh practice the bay-
onet will no longer avail you club your muskets, and
hit the horses over the noses, and they '11 smell danger.'
They took my advice; of course we first delivered a
withering volley, and then to it we went in flail-fashion,
thrashing away with the butt-ends of our muskets \ and
sure enough the French were astonished and driven back
in amazement. So tremendous, sir, was the hitting on



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56o Handy Andy



our side, that in many instances the butt-ends of the
muskets snapped off like tobacco-pipes, and the field was
quite strewn with them after the affair : I picked one of
them up as a little memento of the day, and have used
it ever since as a snuff-box."

Every one was amused by the outrageous romancing
of the colonel but Moriarty, who looked rather disgusted,
because he could not edge in a word of his own at all ; he
gave up the thing now in despair, for the colonel had it
all his own way, like the bull in a china-shop ; the more
startling the bouncers he told, the more successful were
his anecdotes, and he kept pouring them out with the
most astounding rapidity ; and though all voted him the
greatest liar they ever met, none suspected he was not a
military man.

Dick wanted Edward O'Connor, who sat beside him,
to sing ; but Edward whispered, ^ For Heaven's sake
don't stop the flow of the lava from that mighty erup-
tion of lies ! he 's a perfect Vesuvius of mendacity.
You 'U never meet his like again, so make the most of
him while you have him. Pray, sir," said Edward to
the colonel, '' have you ever been in any of the cold
climates ? I am induced to ask you, from the very
wonderful anecdotes you have told of the hot ones."

^^ Bless you, sir, I know every comer about the north
pole."

^^ In which of the expeditions, may I ask, were you
engaged ? " inquired Moriarty.

^^ In none of them, sir. We knocked up a UttU ama--
teur party^ I and a few curious friends, and certainly we
witnessed wonders. You talk here of a sharp wind ; but
the wind is so sharp there that it cut off our beard and
whiskers. Boreas is a great barber, sir, with his north
pole for a sign. Then as for frost ! I could tell you
such incredible things of its intensity ; our butter, for in-
stance, was as hard as a rock ; we were obliged to knock
it oflF with a chisel and hammer, like a mason at a piece



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Handy Andy 561

of granite, and it was necessary to be careful of your eyes
at breakfast, the splinters used to fly about so ; indeed,
one of the party did lose the use of his eye from a butter-
splinter. But the oddest thing of all was to watch two
men talking to each other : you could observe the words,
as they came out of their mouths, suddenly frozen and
dropping down in little pellets of ice at their feet, so that,
after a long conversation, you might see a man standing
up to his knees in his own eloquence."

They all roared with laughter at this last touch of the
marvellous, but Loftus preserved his gravity.

" I don't wonder, gentlemen, at your not receiving
that as truth I told you it was incredible in short,
that is the reason I have resisted all temptations to pub-
lish. Murray, Longmans, Colbum, Bentley, all the
publishers have offered me unlimited terms, but I have
always refused not that I am a rich man, which makes
the temptation of the thousands I might realise the
harder to withstand ; 't is not that the gold is not pre-
cious to me, but there is something dearer to me than
gold // is my character for veracity ! and therefore, as I
am convinced the public would not believe the wonders
I have witnessed, I confine the recital of my adventures
to the social circle. But what profession aflFords such
scope for varied incident as that of the soldier ? Change
of clime, danger, vicissitude, love, war, privation one day,
profusion the next, darkling dangers, and sparkling joys !
Zounds ! there 's nothing Uke the life of a soldier ! and,
by the powers ! I '11 give you a song in its praise."

The proposition was received with cheers, and Tom
rattled away these ringing rhymes

THE BOWLD SOJER BOY

I

Oh there *8 not a trade that ^s going
Worth showing.
Or knowing.
Like that from glory growing.



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562 Handy Andy



For a bowld sojer boy \
Where right or left we go.
Sure you know.
Friend or foe
Will have the hand or toe

From a bowld sojer boy!
There 's not a town we march thro'.
But the ladies, lookmg arch thro*
The window-panes, will search thro'

The ranks to find their joy )
While up the street,
Each girl you meet.
Will look so sly.
Will cry
My eye !
Oh, is n't he a dariing, the bowld sojer boy!*



But when we get the route.
How they pout
And they shout
While to the right about

Goes the bowld sojer boy.
Oh, 't is then that ladies fair
In despair
Tear their hair.
But the divil-a-one I care,'

Says the bowld sojer boy.
For the world is all before us,
Wheru the landladies adore us,
And ne'er refuse to score us.

But chalk us up with joy \
We taste her tap.
We tear her cap'
Oh, that's the chap
Forme!'
Says she \
Oh, is n't he a darling, the bowld sojer boy.*

Ill

* Then come along with me,
Gramachree,
And you '11 see
How happy you will be



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Handy Andy 563

With your bowld sojcr boy \
'Faith! if you 're up to fun.
With me run \
'T will be done
In the snapping of a gun,'

Sajrs the bowld sojer boy$
And 't is then that, without scandal.
Myself will proudly dandle
The little farthing candle

Of our mutual flame, my joy!
May his light shine
As bright as mine,
Till in the line
He '11 blaze.
And raise
The glory of his corps, like a bowld sojer boy ! ' "

Andy entered the room while the song was in pro-
gress, and handed a letter to Dick, which, after the
song was over, and he had asked pardon of his guests,
he opened.

" By Jove ! you sing right well, colonel,'* said one
of the party.

^^ I think the gallant colonel's songs nothing in com-
parison with his wonderful stories," said Moriarty.

^ Gentlemen," said Dick, " wonderful as the colonel's
recitals have been, this letter conveys a piece of in-
formation more surprising than anything we have heard
this day. That stupid fellow who spoiled our cham-
pagne has come in for the inheritance of a large
property."

" What ' Handy Andy ? " exclaimed those who
knew his name.

" Handy Andy," said Dick, " is now a man of
fortune ! "



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CHAPTER XLVIII

IT was a note from Squire Egan which conveyed the
news to Dick that caused so much surprise ; the
details of the case were not even hinted at; the bare
fact alone was mentioned, with a caution to preserve
it still a secret from Andy, and appointing an hour for
dinner at " Morrison's " next day, at which hotel the
Squire expected to arrive from the country, with his
lady and Fanny Dawson, en route for London. Till
dinner-time, then, the day following, Dick was obliged
to lay by his impatience as to the " why and where-
fore " of Andy's sudden advancement ; but, as the morn-
ing was to be occupied with Tom Durfy's wedding,
Dick had enough to keep him engaged in the meantime.

At the appointed hour a few of Tom's particular
friends were in attendance to witness the ceremony, or,
to use their own phrase, " to see him turned off," and
among them was Tom Loftus. Dick was holding out
his hand to *' the colonel," when Tom Durfy stepped
between, and introduced him under his real name. The
masquerading trick of the night before was laughed at,
with an assurance from Dick that it only fulfilled all
he had ever heard of the Protean powers of a gentle-
man whom he so much wished to know. A few min-
utes' conversation in the recess of a window put Tom
Loftus and Dick the Devil on perfectly good terms,
and Loftus proposed to Dick that they should execute
the old-established trick on a bridegroom, of snatching
the first kiss from the bride.

*' You must get in Tom's way," said Loftus, '* and
I '11 kiss her,"



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Handy Andy 565

** Why, the fact is," said Dick, " I had proposed
that pleasure to myself; and, if it's all the same to
you, you can jostle Tom, and 77/ do the remainder
in good style, I promise you."

"That I can't agree to," said Loftus; "but as it
appears we both have set our heart on cheating the
bridegroom, let us both start fair, and 'tis odd if
between us Tom Durfy is not done,^*

This was agreed upon, and many minutes did not
elapse till the bride made her appearance, and "hos-
tilities were about to commence." The mutual enemy
of the " high contracting parties " first opened his
book, and then his mouth, and in such solemn tones,
that it was enough to frighten even a widow, much
less a bachelor. As the ceremony verged to a con-
clusion, Tom Loftus and Dick the Devil edged up
towards their 'vantage-ground on either side of the
blooming widow, now nearly finished into a wife, and
stood like greyhounds in the slip, ready to start after
puss (only puss ought to be spelt here with a B).
The widow, having been married before, was less
nervous than Durfy, and, suspecting the intended
game, determined to foil both the brigands, who
intended to rob the bridegroom of his right ; so, when
the last word of the ceremony was spoken, and Lof-
tus and Dick made a simultaneous dart upon her, she
very adroitly ducked, and allowed the two "ruggers
and rievers " to rush into each other's arms, and rub
their noses together, while Tom Durfy and his bloom-
ing bride sealed their contract very agreeably without
their noses getting in each other's way.

Loftus and Dick had only a laugh at their own ex-
pense, instead of a kiss at TVm'x, upon the failure of
their plot ; but Loftus, in a whisper to Dick, vowed he
would execute a trick upon the ** pair of them " before
the day was over.

There was a breakfast as usual, and chicken and
VOL. II. 17



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566 Handy Andy

tongue and wine, which, taken in the morning, are
provocative of eloquence; and, of course, the proper
quantity of healths and toasts were executed selon la
regle^ until it was time for the bride and bridegroom to
bow and blush and curtsey out of the room, and make
themselves food for a paragraph in the morning papers,
under the title of the " happy pair," who set off in a
handsome chariot, &c., &c.



Tom Durfy had engaged a pretty cottage in the neigh-
bourhood of Clontarf to pass the honeymoon. Tom
Loftus knew this, and knew, moreover, that the sitting-
room looked out on a small lawn which lay before the
house, screened by a hedge from the road, but with a
circular sweep leading up to the house, and a gate of
ingress and egress at either end of the hedge. In this
sitting-room Tom, after lunch, was pressing his lady fair
to take a glass of champagne, when the entrance-gate
was thrown open, and a hackney jaunting-car with Tom
Loftus and a friend or two upon it, driven by a special
ragamuffin blowing a tin horn, rolled up the skimping
avenue, and as it scoured past the windows of the sitting-
room, Tom Loftus and the other passengers kissed hands
to the astonished bride and bridegroom, and shouted,
" Wish you joy ! "

The thing was so sudden that Durfy and the widow,
not seeing Loftus, could hardly comprehend what it
meant, and both ran to the window ; but just as they
reached it, up drove another car, freighted with two or
three more wild rascals who followed the lead which had
been given them ; and as a long train of cars were seen
in the distance all driving up to the avenue, the widow,
with a timid little scream, threw her handkerchief over
her face and ran into a corner. Tom did not know
whether to laugh or be angry, but, being a good-humoured
fellow, he satisfied himself with a few oaths against the
incorrigible Loftus, and when the cortege had passed.



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Handy Andy 567

endeavoured to restore the startled fair one to her
serenity.



Squire Egan and party arrived at the appointed hour
at their hotel, where Dick was waiting to receive them,
and, of course, his inquiries were immediately directed
to the extraordinary circumstance of Andy*s elevation,
the details of which he desired to know. These we
shall not give in the expanded form in which Dick heard
them, but endeavour to condense, as much as possible,
within the limits to which we are prescribed.
The title of Scatterbrain had never been inherited
directly from father to son ; it had descended in a zigzag
fashion, most appropriate to the name, nephews and
cousins having come in for the coronet and the property
for some generations. The late lord had Jed a roue
bachelor life up to the age of sixty, and then thought it
not worth while to marry, though many mammas and
daughters spread their nets and arrayed their charms to
entrap the sexagenarian.

The truth was, he had quaflFed the cup of licentious
pleasure all his life, after which he thought matrimony
would prove insipid. The mere novelty induces some
men, under similar circumstances, to try the holy estate ;
but matrimony could not offer to Lord Scatterbrain the
charms of novelty, for he had been once married, though
no one but himself was cognisant of the fact.

The reader will certainly say, '' Here 's an Irish bull ;
how could a man be married, without, at least, a woman
and a priest being joint possessors of the secret ? "

Listen, gentle reader, and you shall hear how none
but Lord Scatterbrain knew Lord Scatterbrain was
married.

There was nothing at which he ever stopped for the
gratification of his passions no wealth he would not
squander, no deceit he would not practise, no disguise
he would not assume. Therefore, gold, and falsehood,



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568 Handy Andy



and masquerading were extensively employed by this reck-
less roue in the service of Venus, in which service, com-
bined with that of Bacchus, his life was entirely passed.

Often he assumed the guise of a man in humble life,
to approximate some object of his desire, whom fine
clothes and bribery would have instantly warned ; and
in too many cases his artifices were successful. It was
in one of these adventures he cast his eyes upon the
woman hitherto known in this story under the name
of the Widow Rooney ; but all his practices against her
virtue were unavailing, and nothing but a marriage could
accomplish what he had set his fancy upon ; but even
this would not stop him,yar he married her.

The Widow Rooney has appeared no very inviting
personage through these pages, and the reader may wonder
that a man of rank could proceed to such desperate
lengths upon such slight temptation ; but, gentle reader,
she was young and attractive when she was married
never to say handsome^ but good-looking decidedly, and
with that sort of figure which is comprehended in the
phrase " a fine girl."

And has that fine girl altered into the Widow Rooney ?
Ah ! poverty and hardship are sore trials to the body as
well as to the mind. Too little is it considered, while
we gaze on aristocratic beauty, how much good food,
soft lying, warm wrapping, ease of mind, have to do
with the attractions which command our admiration.
Many a hand moulded by nature to give el^ance of form
to a kid glove, is " stinted of its fair proportion " by
grubbing toil. The foot which might have excited the
admiration of a ball-room, peeping under a flounce of
lace in a satin shoe, and treading the mazy dance, will
grow coarse and broad by tramping in its native state
over toilsome miles, bearing perchance to a market town
some few eggs, whose whole produce would not purchase
the sandal-tie of my lady's slipper; will grow red and
rough by standing in wet trenches, and feeling the winter's



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Handy Andy 569

' frost. The neck on which diamonds might have wor-
thily sparkled, will look less tempting when the biting
winter has hung icicles there for gems. Cheeks formed
as fresh for dimpling blushes, eyes as well to sparkle,
and lips to smile, as those which shed their brightness
and their witchery in the tapestried saloon, will grow
pale with want, and forget their dimples, when smiles are
not there to wake them \ lips become compressed and
drawn with anxious thought, and eyes the brightest are
quenched of their fires by many tears.

Of all these trials poor Widow Rooney had enough.
Her husband, after living with her a month, in the
character of a steward to some great man in a distant
part of the country, left her one day for the purpose of
transacting business at a fair, which, he said, would
require his absence for some time. At the end of a
week, a letter was sent to her, stating that the make-
believe steward had robbed his master extensively, and
had fled to America, whence he promised to write to
her, and send her means to follow him, requesting, in
the meantime, her silence, in case any inquiry should be
made about him. This villanous trick was played off
the more readily, from the fact that a steward had
absconded at the time, and the difference in the name
the cruel profligate accounted for by saying that, as he
was hiding at the moment he married her, he had
assumed another name.

The poor deserted girl, fully believing this trumped-up
tale, obeyed with unflinching fidelity the injunctions of
her betrayer ; and while reports were flying abroad of
the absconded steward, she never breathed a word
of what had been confided to her, and accounted for the
absence of " Rooney " in various ways of her own ; so
that all trace of the profligate was lost, by her remaining
inactive in making the smallest inquiry about him, and
her very fidelity to her betrayer became the means of
her losing alJ power of procuring his discovery. For



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570 Handy Andy

months she trusted all was right; but when moon
followed moon, and she gave birth to a boy without
hearing one word of his father, misgiving came upon
her, and the only consolation left her was, that, though
she was deserted, and a child left on her hands, still she
was an honest woman. That child was the hero of our
tale. The neighbours passed some ill-natured remarks
about her, when it began to be suspected that her hus-
band would never let her know more about him \ for
she had been rather a saucy lady, holding up her nose
at poor men, and triumphing in her catching of the
^^ steward," a man well to do in the world ; and it may
be remembered, that this same spirit existed in her when
Andy's rumoured marriage with Matty gave the prospect
of her aflBnirs being retrieved, for she displayed her love
of pre-eminence to the very first person who gave her
the good news. The ill-nature of her neighbours, how-
ever, after the birth of her child and the desertion of her
husband, inducing her to leave the scene of her un-
merited wrongs and annoyances, she suddenly decamped,
and, removing to another part of Ireland, the poor
woman b^an a life of hardship, to support herself and
rear the offspring of her unfortunate marriage. In this
task she was worthily assisted by one of her brothers,
who pitied her condition, and joined her in her retreat.
He married in course of time, and his wife died in
giving birth to Oonah, who was soon deprived of her
other parent by typhus fever, that terrible scourge of the
poor ; so that the praiseworthy desire of the brother to
befriend his sister only involved her, as it happened, in
the deeper difficulty of supporting two children instead
of one. This she did heroically, and the orphan girl
rewarded her, by proving a greater comfort than her
own child ; for Andy had inherited in all its raciness the
blood of the Scatterbrains, and his deeds, as recorded in
this history, prove he was no unworthy representative
of that illustrious title.



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Handy Andy 571

To return to his father who had done the grievous
wrong to the poor peasant girl : he lived his life of
profligacy through, and in a foreign country died at last ;
but on his death-bed the scourge of conscience rendered
every helpless hour an age of woe. Bitterest of all was
the thought of the wife deceived, deserted, and unac-
knowled^. To face his last account with such fearful
crime upon his head he dared not, and made all the
reparation now in his power, by avowing his marriage in
his last will and testament, and giving all the informa-
tion in his power to trace his wife, if living, or his heir,
if such existed. He enjoined, by the most sacred in-
junctions upon him to whom the charge was committed,
that neither cost nor trouble should be spared in the
search^ leaving a large sum in ready money besides, to
establish the right, in case his nephew disputed the will.
By his own order, his death was kept secret, and secretly
his agent set to work to discover any trace of the heir.
This, in consequence of the woman changing her place
of abode, became more diiEcult ; and it was not until
after very minute inquiry that some trace was picked
up, and a letter written to the parish priest of the dis-
trict to which she had removed, making certain general
inquiries. It was found, on comparing dates some time
after, that it was this very letter to Father Blake which
Andy had purloined from the post-office, and the Squire
had thrown into the fire; so that our hero was very
near, by his blundering, destroying his own fortune.
Luckily for him, however, an untiring and intelligent
agent was engaged in his cause, and a subsequent in-
quiry, and finally a personal visit to Father Blake,
cleared the matter up satisfactorily, and the widow was
enabled to produce such proof of her identity, and that
of her son, that Handy Andy was indisputably Lord
Scatterbrain ; and the whole affair was managed so
secretly, that the death of the late lord, and the claim of
title and estates in the name of the rightful heir, were



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572 Handy Andy

announced at the same moment ; and the ^^ Honourable
Sackville," instead of coming into possession of the
peerage and property, and fighting bis adversary at the
great advantage of possession, could only commence a
suit to drive him out, if he sued at all.

Our limits compel us to this brief sketch of the
circumstances through which Handy Andy was entitled
to and became possessed of a property and a title, and
we must now say something of the effects produced by
the intelligence on the parties most concerned.

The Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain, on the advice
of high legal authority, did not attempt to dispute a
succession of which such satisfactory proofs existed, and,
fortunately for himself, had knocked up a watering-place
match, while he was yet in the bloom of heirship pre-
sumptive to a peerage, with the daughter of an English
millionaire.

When the Widow Rooney heard the extraordinary
turn aflfairs had taken, her emotions, after the first few
hours of pleasurable surprise, partook of r^ret rather
than satisfaction. She looked upon her past life of
suffering, and felt as if Fate had cheated her. She, a
peeress, had passed her life in poverty and suffering,
with contempt from those over whom she had superior
rights 5 and the few years of the prosperous . future
before her offered her poor compensation for the pinch-
ing past. But after such selfish considerations, the
maternal feeling came to her relief, and she rejoiced that
her son was a lord. But then came the terrible thought
of his marriage to dash her joy and triumph.

This was a source of grief to Oonah as well. " If
he was n't married," she would say to herself, '* I might
be Lady Scatterbrain ; " and the tears would burst
through poor Oonah's fingers as she held them up to
her eyes and sobbed heavily, till the poor girl would try
to gather consolation from the thought that, maybe,
Andy's altered circumstances would make her disregarded.



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Handy Andy 573

" There would be plenty to have him now," thought
she, ^^ and he would n't think of me, maybe so 't is
well as it is."

When Andy heard that he was a lord a real lord
and, after the first shock of astonishment, could compre-
hend that wealth and power were in his possession, he,
though the most interested person, never thought, as the
two women had done, of the desperate strait in which
his marriage placed him, but broke out info short
peals of laughter, and exclaimed in the intervals, ^^ that
it was mighty quare ; " and when, after much question-
ing, any intelligible desire he had could be understood,
the first one he clearly expressed was ^^ to have a goold
watch'*

He was made, however, to understand that other
things than " goold watches " were of more importance ;
and the Squire, with his characteristic good nature, en-
deavoured to open Andy's comprehension to the nature
of his altered situation. This, it may be supposed, was
rather a complicated piece of work, and too difficult to
be set down in black and white ; the most intelligible
portions to Andy were his immediate removal from
servitude, and a ready-made suit of gentlemanly apparel,
which made Andy pay several visits to the looking-glass.
Good-natured as the Squire was, it would have been
equally awkward to him as to Andy for the newly
fledged lord, though a lord, to have a seat at his table,
neither could he remain in an inferior position in his
house; so Dick, who loved fun, volunteered to take
Andy under his especial care to London, and let him
share his lodgings, as a bachelor may do many things
which a man surrounded by his family cannot. Besides,
in a place distant from such extraordinary chances and
changes as those which befell our hero, the sudden and
startling diflFercnce of position of the parties not being
known renders it possible for a gentleman to do the
good-natured thing which Dick undertook, without com-



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574 Handy Andy

promising himself. In Dublin it would not have done
for Dick Dawson to allow the man who would have
held his horse the day before, to share the same board
with him merely because Fortune had played one of her
frolics and made Andy a lord ; but in London the case
was different.

To LfOndon therefore they proceeded. The incidents
of the journey, sea-sickness included, which so astonished
the new traveller, we pass over, as well as the number-
less mistakes in the great metropolis, which afforded
Dick plentiful amusement, though, in truth, Dick had
better objects in view than laughing at Andy's embar-
rassments in his new position. He really wished to
help him in the difficult path into which the new lord
had been thrust, and did this in a merry sort of way
more successfully than by serious drilling. It was haixl
to break Andy of the habit of saying " Misther Dick,**
when addressing him, but, at last, ^^ Misther Dawson '*
was established. Eating with his knife, drinking as
loudly as a horse, and other like accomplishments, were
not so easily got under, yet it was wonderful how much
he improved, as his shyness grew less, and his conscious-
ness of being a lord grew stronger.

But, if the good nature of Dick had not prompted him
to take Andy into training, the newly discovered noble-
man would not have long been in want of society. It
was wonderful how many persons were eager to show
civility to his lordship, and some amongst them even
went so far as to discover relationship. Plenty were
soon ready to take Lord Scatterbrain here, and escort
him there, accompany him to exhibitions and other pub-
lic places, and charmed all the time with his lordship's
remarks " they were so original " " quite delightful
to meet something so fresh " " how remarkably clever
the Irish were ! " Such were among the observations
his ignorant blunders produced ; and he who, as Handy
Andy, had been anathematised all his life as a ^^ stupid



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Handy Andy 575

rascal," " a blundering thief," ** a thick-headed brute,"
&c., under the title of Lord Scatterbrain all of a sudden
was voted '* vastly amusing a little eccentric, perhaps,
but so droll in fact, so witty ! "

This was all very delightful for Andy so delightful
that he quite forgot Bridget rbua. But that lady did not
leave him long in his happy obliviousness. One day,
while Dick was absent, and Andy rocking on a chair
before the fire, twirling the massive gold chain of his
gold watch round his forefinger, and uncoiling it again,
his repose was suddenly disturbed by the appearance of
Bridget herself, accompanied by Shan More and a shrimp
of a man in rusty black, who turned out to be a shabby
attorney who advanced money to convey his lady client
and her brother to Lrondon, for the purpose of making a
dash at the lord at once, and securing a handsome sum
by a coup de main.

Andy, though taken by surprise, was resolute. Bitter
words were exchanged ; and as they seemed likely to
lead to blows, Andy prudently laid hold of the poker, and,
in language not quite suited to a noble lord, swore he
would see what the inside of Shan Morels head was
made of, if he attempted to advance upon him. Bridget
screamed and scolded, while the attorney endeavoured to
keep the peace, and, beyond everything, urged Lord
Scatterbrain to enter at once into written engagements
for a handsome settlement upon his ^^lady."

" Lady ! " exclaimed Andy ; " oh ! a pretty lady
she is!"

^^ I 'm as good a lady as you are a lord, anyhow,'' cried
Bridget.

" Altercation will do no good, my lord and my lady,"
said the attorney ; ^^ let me suggest the propriety of your
writing an engagement at once ;" and the Uttle man
pushed pen, ink, and paper towards Andy.

" I can't, I tell you ! " cried Andy.

** You must ! " roared Shan More.



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576 Handy Andy

" Bad luck to you, how can I when I never lamed ? "

" Your lordship can make your mark," said the
attorney.

" Taith I can with a poker," cried Andy ; " and
you 'd better take care, master parchment. Make my
mark, indeed ! do you think I 'd disgrace the House
o' Peers by lettin' on that a lord could n't write ? Quit
the buildin', I tell you ! "

In the midst of the row, which now rose to a tremen-
dous pitch, Dick returned \ and after a severe reprimand
to the pettifogger for his sinister attempt on Andy,
referred him to Lord Scatterbrain's solicitor. It was
not such an easy matter to silence Bridget, who extended
her claws towards her lord and master in a very menac-
ing manner, calling down bitter imprecations on her own
head if she would n't have her rights.

Every now and then between the bursts of the storm
Andy would exclaim, " Get out ! "

" My lord," said Dick, " remember your dignity."

" Av coorse ! " said Andy ; " but still she must get
out ! "

The house was at last cleared of the uproarious party;
but though Andy got rid of their presence, they left their
sting behind. Lord Scatterbrain felt, for the first time,
that a lord can be very unhappy.

Dick hurried him away at once to the chambers of
the law agent, but he, being closeted on some very
important business with another client on their arrival,
returned an answer to their application for a conference,
which they forwarded through the double doors of this
sanctum by a hard-looking man with a pen behind his
ear, that he could not have the pleasure of seeing them
till the next morning. Lord Scatterbrain passed a more
unhappy night than he had ever done in his life even
than that when he was tied up to the old tree croaked
at by ravens, and the despised of rats.

Negotiations were opened the next day between the



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Handy Andy 577

pettifogger on Bridget's side and the law agent of the
noble lord, and the arguments, fro and con.y lay thus :

In the first place, the opening declaration was LfOrd
Scatterbrain never would live with the aforesaid Bridget.

Answered that nevertheless, as she was his lawful
wife, a provision suitable to her rank must be made.

They (the claimants) were asked to name a sum.

The sum was considered exorbitant ; it being argued
that when her husband had determined never to live
with her, he was in a far different condition, therefore it
was unfair to seek so large a separate maintenance now.

The pettifogger threatened that Lady Scatterbrain
would run in debt, which Lord Scatterbrain must dis-
charge. My Lord's agent suggested that my Lady
would be advertised in the public papers, and the public
cautioned against giving her credit.

A sum could not be agreed upon, though a fair one
was offered on Andy's part ; for the greediness of the
pettifogger, who was to have a share of the plunder,
made him hold out for more, and negotiations were
broken off* for some days.

Poor Andy was in a wretched state of vexation. It
was bad enough that he was married to this abominable
woman, without an additional plague of being persecuted
by her. To such an amount this rose at last, that she
and her big brother dodged him every time he left the
house, so that in self-defence he was obliged to become
a close prisoner in his own lodgings. All this at last
became so intolerable to the captive, that he urged a
speedy settlement of the vexatious question, and a larger
separate maintenance was granted to the detestable
woman than would otherwise have been ceded, the only
stipulation of a stringent nature made being, that Lord
Scatterbrain should be free from the persecutions of his
hateful wife for the future.



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CHAPTER XLIX

SQUIRE EGAN, with his lady and Fanny Dawson,
had now arrived in London ; Murtough Murphy,
too, had joined them, his services being requisite in
working the petition against the return of the sitting
member for the county. This had so much promise of
success about it, that the opposite party, who had the
sheriff for the county in their interest, bethought of a
novel expedient to frustrate the petition when a reference
to the poll was required.

They declared the principal poll-book was lost.

This seemed not very satisfactory to one side of the
committee, and the question was asked, ^^ how could it
be lost ? '* The answer was one which Irish contrivance
alone could have invented: ^^ It fell into a pot ofbroth^
and the dog ate it'' *

This protracted the contest for some time ; but
eventually, in spite of the dog's devouring knowledge so
greedily, the Squire was declared duly elected and took
the oaths and his seat for the county.

It was hard on Sackville Scatterbrain to lose his seat
in the house and a peerage, nearly at once; hut the
latter loss threw the former so far into the shade, that he
scarcely felt it. Besides, he could console himself with
having buttered his crumbs pretty well in the marriage-
market ; and, with a rich wife, retired from senatorial

1 If not this identical answer, something like it was giren on a
disputed Irish election, before a Committee of the House of
Commons.



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Handy Andy 579

drudgery to private repose, which was much more con-
genial to his easy temper.

But while the Squire's happy family circle was re-
joicing in his triumph while he was invited to the
Speaker's dinners, and the ladies were looking forward
to tickets for ^^ the lantern/' their pleasure was suddenly
dashed by fatal news from Ireland.

A serious accident had befallen Major Dawson so
serious, that his life was despaired of; and an immediate
return to Ireland by all who were interested in his life
was the consequence.

Though the suddenness of this painful event shocked
his family, the act which caused it did not surprise them ;
for it was one against which Major Dawson had been
repeatedly cautioned, involving a danger he had been
affectionately requested not to tempt ; but the habitual
obstinacy of his nature prevailed, and he persisted in
doing that which his son and his daughters and
friends prophesied would kill him some time or other,
and did^ at last. The Major had three little iron guns,
mounted on carriages, on a terrace in front of his house ;
and it was his wont to fire a salute on certain festival
days from these guns, which, from age and exposure to
the weather, became dangerous to use. It was in vain
that this danger was represented to him. He would
reply, with his accustomed ^^ Pooh, pooh ! I have been
firing these guns for forty years, and they won't do me
any harm now."

This was the prime &ult of the Major's character.
Time and circumstances were never taken into account
by him ; what was done once, might be done ahvays
ought to be done always. The bare thought of change
of any sort, to him, was unbearable ; and whether it was
a rotten old law or a rotten old gun, he would charge
both up to the muzzle and fire away, regardless of con-
sequences. The result was, that on a certain festival his
favourite gun burst in discharging ; and the last mortal



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58o Handy Andy

act of which the Major was conscious, was that of put-
ting the port-fire to the touchhole, for a heavy splinter
of iron struck him on the head, and though he lived for
some days afterwards, he was insensible. Before his
children arrived he was no more; and the only duty
left them to perform was the melancholy one of ordering
his funeral.

The obsequies of the old Major were honoured by a
large and distinguished attendance from all parts of the
country; and amongst those who bore the pall was Edward
O'Connor, who had the melancholy gratification of tes-
tifying his respect beside the grave of Fanny's father,
though the severe old man had banished him from his
presence during his lifetime.

But now all obstacle to the union of Edward and
Fanny was removed ; and after the lapse of a few
days had softened the bitter grief which this sudden be-
reavement of her father had produced, Edward received
a note from Dick, inviting him to the manor-house,
where all would be glad to see him.

In a few minutes after the receipt of that note Edward
was in his saddle, and swiftly leaving the miles behind
him till, from the top of a rising ground, the roof of
the manor-house appeared above the trees in which it
was embosomed. He had not till then slackened his
speed ; but now drawing rein, he proceeded at a slower
pace towards the house he had not entered for some
years, and the sight of which awakened such varied
emotions.

To return after long years of painful absence to some
place which has been the scene of our former joys, and
whence the force of circumstance, and not choice, has
driven us, is oppressive to the heart. There is a
mixed sense of regret and rejoicing, which struggle for
predominance ; we rejoice that our term of exile has ex-
pired, but we regret the years which that exile has de-
ducted from the brief amount of human life, never to



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Handy Andy 581

be recalled, and therefore as so much lost to us. We
think of the wrong or the caprice of which we have
been the victims, and thoughts will stray across the
most confiding heart, if friends shall meet as fondly as
they parted ; or if time, while impressing deeper marks
upon the outward form, may have obliterated some
impressions within* Who has returned after years of
absence, however assured of the unflinching fidelity of
the love he left behind, without saying to himself, in
the pardonable yearning of affection, ^^ Shall I meet
smiles as bright as those that used to welcome me ?
Shall I be pressed as fondly within the arms whose
encompassment were to me the pale of all earthly
enjoyment ? "

Such thoughts crowded on Edward as he approached
the house. There was not a lane, or tree, or hedge, by
the way, that had not for him its association. He
reached the avenue gate ; as he flung it open he remem-
bered the last time he passed it \ Fanny had then leaned
on his arm. He felt himself so much excited, that, in-
stead of riding up to the house, he took the private path
to the stables, and throwing down the reins to a boy, he
turned into a shrubbery and endeavoured to recover his
self-command before he should present himself. As he
emerged from the sheltered path and turned into a walk
which led to the garden, a small conservatory was opened
to his view, awaking fresh sensations. It was in that very
place he had first ventured to declare his love to Fanny.
There she heard and frowned not; there, where nature's
choicest sweets were exhaling, he had first pressed her to
his heart, and thought the balmy sweetness of her lips
beyond them all. He hurried forward in the enthusiasm
the recollection recalled, to enter that spot consecrated
in his memory ; but on arriving at the door, he suddenly
stopped, for he saw Fanny within. She was plucking a
geranium the flower she had been plucking some years
before, when Edward said he loved her. She, all that

VOL. II. 18



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582 Handy Andy

morning, had been under the influence of feelings similar
to Edward's \ had felt the same yearnings the same
tender doubts the same fond solicitude that he should
be the same Edward from whom she parted. But she
thought of more than this ; with th^ exquisitely delicate
contrivance belonging to woman's nature, she wished to
give him a signal of her fond recollection, and was pluck-
ing the flower she gathered when he declared his love, to
place on her bosom when they should meet. Edward
felt the meaning of her action, as the graceful hand
broke the flower from its stem. He would have rushed
towards her at once, but that the deep mourning in
which she was arrayed seemed to command a gentler
approach; for grief commands respect. He advanced
softly she heard a gentle step behind her turned
uttered a faint exclamation of joy, and sank into his
arms! In a few moments she recovered her con-
sciousness, and opening her sweet qres upon him,
breathed softly, " dear Edward ! " and the lips which,
in two words, had expressed so much, were impressed
with a fervent kiss in the blessed consciousness of pos-
session, on that very spot where the first timid and
doubting word of love had been spoken.

In that moment he was rewarded for all his years of
absence and anxiety. His heart was satisfied ; he felt
he was dear as ever to the woman he idolised, and the
short and hurried beating of both their hearts told more
than words could express. Words ! what were words
to them? thought was too swift for their use, and
feeling too strong for their utterance ; but they drank
from each other's eyes large draughts of delight, and,
in the silent pressure of each other's welcoming em-
brace, felt how truly they loved each other.

He led her gently from the conservatory, and they
exchanged words of affection ** soft and low," as they
sauntered through the wooded path which surrounded
the house. That live-long day they wandered up and



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Handy Andy 583

down together, repeating again and again the anxious
yearnings which occupied their years of separation, yet
asking each other was not all more than repaid by the
gladness of the present

^^ Yet hmu painful has been the past ! '' exclaimed
Edward.

" But now ! " said Fanny, with a gentle pressure of
her tiny hand on Edward's arm, and looking up to
him with her bright eyes '' but now ! "

'' True, darling ! ** he cried ; ** *t is ungrateful to
think of the past while enjoying such a present and
with such a future before me. Bless that cheerful
heart, and those hope-inspiring glances ! Oh, Fanny !
in the wilderness of life there are springs and palm-
trees you are both to me ! and heaven has set its
own mark upon you in those laughing blue eyes which
might set despair at defiance."

" Poetical as ever, Edward ! *' said Fanny, laughing.

" Sit down, dearest, for a moment, on this old tree,
beside me ; 't is not the first time I have strung rhymes
in your presence and your praise.*' He took a small
note-book from his pocket, and Fanny looked on smil-
ingly as Edward's pencil rapidly ran over the leaf and
traced the lover's tribute to his mistress.

THE SUNSHINE IN YOU



* It 18 sweet when we look round the wide world* s waste
To know that the desert bestows
The palms where the weary heart may rest.
The spring that in purity flows.

And where have I found

In this wilderness round
That spring and that shelter so true )

Unfailing in need.

And my own, indeed ?
Oh 1 dearest, I e found it in you t



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584 Handy Andy



* And, oh when the cloud of some darkening hour
O^rshadows the soul with its gloom,
Then where is the light of the vestal pow'r.
The lamp of pale Hope to illume ?

Oh ! the light ever lies

In those bright fond eyes.
Where Heaven has impressM its own blue

As a seal from the skies

As my heart relies
On that gift of its sunshine in you ! **

Fanny liked the lines, of course. ** Dearest," she
said, ** may I always prove sunshine to you ! Is it not
a strange coincidence that these lines exactly fit a little
air which occurred to me some time ago ? "

" 'T is odd," said Edward ; " sing it to me, darling."
Fanny took the verses from his hand, and sung them
to her own measure. Oh, happy triumph of the poet !
to hear his verses wedded to sweet sounds, and warbled
by the woman he loves ! Edward caught up the strain,
adding his voice to hers in harmony, and thus they saun-
tered homewards, trolling their ready-made duet together.
There were not two happier hearts in the world that day
than those of Fanny Dawson and Edward O'Connor.



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CHAPTER L

RESPECT for the memory of Major Dawson of course
prevented the immediate marriage of Edward and
Fanny ; but the winter months passed cheerfully away in
looking forward to the following autumn which should wit-
ness the completion of their happiness. Though Edward
was thus tempted by the society of the one he loved best
in the world, it did not make him neglect the duties he
had undertaken in behalf of Gustavus. Not only did he
prosecute his reading with him regularly, but he took no
small pains in looking after the involved affairs of the
family, and strove to make satisfactory arrangements
with those whose claims were gnawing away the estate
to nothing. Though the years of Gusty's minority were
but few, still they would give the estate some breathing-
time ; and creditors, seeing the minor backed by a man
of character, and convinced a sincere desire existed to
relieve the estate of its encumbrances and pay all just
claims, presented a less threatening front than hitherto,
and listened readily to such terms of accommodation as
were proposed to them. Uncle Robert (for the break-
ing of whose neck Ratty's pious aspirations had been
raised) behaved very well on the occasion. A loan from
him, and a partial sale of some of the acres, stopped the
mouths of the greedy wolves who fatten on men's ruin,
and time and economy were looked forward to for the
discharge of all other debts. Uncle Robert, having so
far acted the friend, was considered entitled to have a
partial voice in the ordering of things at the Hall } and



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586 Handy Andy

having a notion that an English accent was genteel, he
desired that Gusty and Ratty should pass a year under
the roof of a clergyman in England, who received a
limited number of young gentlemen for the completion
of their education. Gustavus would much rather have
remained near Edward O'Connor, who had already done
so much for him; but Edward, though he regretted
parting with Gustavus, recommended him to accede to
his uncle's wishes, though he did not see the necessity
of an Irish gentleman being ashamed of his accent.

The visit to England, however, was postponed till the
spring, and the winter months were used by Gustavus
in availing himself as much as he could of Edward's
assistance in putting him through his classics, his pride
prompting him to present himself creditably to the Eng-
lish clergyman.

It was in vain to plead such pride to Ratty, who paid
more attention to shooting than his lessons. His mother
strove to persuade Ratty was deaf. His " gran "
strove to bribe Ratty was incorruptible. Gusty
argued Ratty answered after his own fashion.

" Why won't you learn even a little ? "

" I *m to go to that * English fellow ' in spring, and I
shall have no fun then, so I 'm making good use of my
time now."

" Do you call it * good use ' to be so dreadfully idle
and shamefully ignorant?"

*' Bother ! the less I know, the more the English
fellow will have to teach me, and Uncle Bob will have
more worth for his money;" and then Ratty would
whistle a jig, fling a fowling-piece over his shoulder, and
shout " Ponto ! Ponto ! Ponto ! " as he traversed the
stable-yard ; the delighted pointer would come bounding
at the call, and, after circling round his young master
with agile grace and yelps of glee at the sight of the gun,
dash forward to the well-known ** bottoms " in eager
expectancy of ducks and snipe.



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Handy Andy 587

How fared it all this time with the lord of Scatter-
brain? He became established, for the present, in a
house that had been a long time to let in the neighbour-
hood, and his mother was placed at the head of it, and
Oonah still remained under his protection, though the
daily sight of the girl added to Andy's grief at the
desperate plight in which his ill-starred marriage placed
him, to say nothing of the constant annoyance of his
mother's growling at him for his making ** such a judy
of himself; " for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain could
not get rid of her vocabulary at once. Andy's only
resource under these circumstances was to mount his
horse and fly.

As for the dowager Lady Scatterbrain, she had a car-
riage with " a picture " on it, as she called the coat of
arms, and was fond of driving past the houses of people
who had been uncivil to her. Against Mrs. Casey (the
renowned Matty Dwyer) she entertained an especial
spite, in consideration of her treatment of her beautiful
boy and her own pair of black eyes ; so she determined
to " pay her ofF" in her own way, and stopping one day
at the hole in the hedge which served for entrance to the
estate of the " three-cornered field," she sent the foot-
man in to say the dowjer Lady ScatterAr/^w wanted to
speak with " Casey's wife."

When the servant, according to instructions, delivered
this message, he was sent back with the answer, ^ that
if any lady wanted to see Casey's wife, * Casey's wife,'
was at home."

" Oh, go back, and tell the poor woman I don't want
to bring her to the door of my carriage, if it 's inconvay-
nient. I only wished to give her a little help \ and tell
her if she sends up eggs to the big house. Lady Scatter-
breen will pay her for them."

When the servant delivered this message, Matty
grew outrageous at the means "my lady" took of
crowing over her, and rushing to the door, with her



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588 Handy Andy

face flushed with rage, roared out, ^ Tell the old bag-
gage I want none of her custom \ let her lay eggs for
herself."

The servant staggered back in amaze; and Matty,
feeling he would not deliver her message, ran to the hole
in the hedge and repeated her answer to my lady herself,
with a great deal more which need not be recorded.
Suffice it to say, my lady thought it necessary to pull up
the glass, against which Matty threw a handful of mud ;
the servant jumped up on his perch behind the carriage,
which was rapidly driven away by the coachman, but
not so fast that Matty could not, by dint of running,
keep it ** within range " for some seconds, during which
time she contrived to pelt both coachman and footman
with mud, and leave her mark on their new livery. This
was a salutary warning to the old woman, who was more
cautious in her demonstrations of grandeur for the future.
If she was stinted in the enjoyment of her new-born
dignity abroad, she could indulge it at home without let
or hindrance, and to this end asked Andy to let her
have a hundred pounds, in one-pound notes, for a par-
ticular purpose. What this purpose was no one veas
told or could guess, but for a good while after she used
to be closeted by herself for several hours during the
day.

Andy had his hours of retirement also, for with praise-
worthy industry he strove hard, poor fellow, to lift
himself above the state of ignorance, and had daily at-
tendance from the parish schoolmaster. The mysteries
of " pothooks and hangers " and ABC weighed heavily
on the nobleman's mind, which must have sunk under
the burden of scholarship and penmanship, but for the
other '^ship" the horsemanship which was Andy's
daily self-established reward for his perseverance in his
lessons. Besides he really could ride; and as it was the
only accomplishment of which he was master, it was no
wonder he enjoyed the display of it; and, to say the



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Handy Andy 589

truth, he did, and that on a first-rate horse too. Having
appointed Murtough Murphy his law-agent, he often
rode over to the town to talk with him, and as Murtough
could have some fun and thirteen and fourpence also per
visit, he was always glad to see his '* noble friend." The
high road did not suit Andy's notion of things ; he pre^
ferred the variety, shortness, and diversion of going
across the countiy on these occasions \ and in one of
these excursions, in the most secluded portion of his
ride, which unavoidably lay through some quarries and
deep broken ground, he met *' Ragged Nance," who
held up her finger as he approached the gorge of this
lonely dell, in token that she would speak with him.
Andy pulled up.

'* Long life to you, my lord," said Nance, dropping a
deep curtsey, ^^ and sure I always liked you since the
night you was so bowld for the sake of the poor girl
the young lady, I mane, now, God bless her and I
just wish to tell you, my lord, that I think you might as
well not be going these lonely ways, for I see them hang-
ing about here betimes, that maybe it would not be good
for your health to meet ; and sure, my lord, it would be
a hard case if you were killed now, havin' the luck of
the sick calf that lived all the winther and died in the
summer."

*' Is it that big blackguard, Shan More^ you mane ? "
said Andy.

"No less," said Nance growing deadly pale as she
cast a piercing glance into the dell, and cried, in a low,
hurried tone " Talk of the divil and there he is
I see him peep out from behind a rock."

" He *s running this way," said Andy.

" Then you run the other way," said Nance ; " look
there I see him strive to hide a blunderbuss under his
coat gallop ofF, for the love o' God ! or there *11 be
murther."

** Maybe there will be that same," said Andy, " if I



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590 Handy Andy

leave you here, and he suspects you gave me the hard
word." *

"Never mind me/' said Nance, " save yourself
see, he 's moving fast, he Ml be near enough to you soon
to fire."

" Get up behind me," said Andy ; " I won't leave you
here."

" Run, I tell you."

" I won't."

" God bless you, then," said the woman, as Andy held
out his hand and gripped hers firmly.

*' Put your foot on mine," said Andy.

The woman obeyed, and was soon seated behind our
hero, gripping him fast by the waist, while he pushed his
horse to a fast canter.

" Hold hard now," said Andy, *' for there 's a stiff
jump here." As he approached the ditch of which he
spoke, two men sprang up from it, and one fired, as
Andy cleared the leap in good style, Nance holding on
gallantly. The horse was not many strokes on the oppo-
site side, when another shot was fired in their rear,
followed by a scream from the woman. To Andy's
inquiry, if she was " kilt," she replied in the negative,
but said " they hurt her sore," and she was " bleeding a
power ; " but that she could still hold on, however, and
urged him to speed. The clearance of one or two more
leaps gave her grievous pain ; but a large common soon
opened before them, which was skirted by a road leading
directly to a farm-house, where Andy left the wounded
woman, and then galloped off for medical aid ; this soon
arrived, and the wound was found not to be dangerous,
though painful. The bullet had struck and pierced a
tin vessel of a bottle form, in which Nance carried the
liquid gratuities of the charitable, and this not only dead-
ened the force of the ball, but glanced it also ; and the
escapement of the butter-milk, which the vessel con
1 Hard word ** implies a caution.



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Handy Andy 591

tained, Nance had mistaken for the effusion of her own
blood. It was a clear case, however, that if Nance had
not been sitting behind Andy, Lord Scatterbrain would
have been a dead man, so that his gratitude and gallan-
try towards the poor beggar woman proved the means of
preserving his own life.



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CHAPTER LI

THE news of the attack on Lord Scatterbrain ran
over the country like wildfire, and his conduct
throughout the afiair raised his character wonderfully in
the opinion of all classes. Many who had hitherto held
aloof from the mushroom lord, came forward to recog-
nise the manly fellow, and cards were left at " the big
house," which were never seen there before. The
magistrates were active in the affair, and a reward was
immediately offered for the apprehension of the offen-
ders ; but before any active steps could be taken by the
authorities, Andy, immediately after the attack, collected
a few stout fellows himself, and knowing where the den
of Shan and his miscreants lay, he set off at the head of
his party to try if he could not secure them himself; but
before he did this, he despatched a vehicle to the farm-
house, where poor Nance lay wounded, with orders that
she should be removed to his own house, the doctor
having said that the transit would not be injurious.

A short time served to bring Andy and his followers
to the private still, where a little looking about enabled
them to discover the entrance, which was covered by
some large stones, and a bunch of furze placed as a mask
to the opening. It was clear that it was impossible for
any persons inside to have thus covered the entrance, and
it suggested the possibility that some of its usual inmates
were then absent. Nevertheless, having such desperate
characters to deal with, it was a service of danger to be
leader in the descent to the cavern when the opening
was cleared ; but Andy was the first to enter, which he



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Handy Andy 593

did boldly, only desiring his attendants to follow him
quickly, and give him support in case of resistance. A
lantern had been provided, Andy knowing the darkness
of the den ; and the party was thereby enabled to ex-
plore with celerity and certainty the hidden haunt of the
desperadoes. The ashes of the fire were yet warm, but
no one was to be seen, till Andy, drawing the screen of
the bed, discovered a man lying in a seemingly helpless
state, breathing with difficulty, and the straw about him
dabbled with blood. On attempting to lift him, the
wretch groaned heavily and muttered, ** D n you, let
me alone you 've done for me I *m dying."

The man was gently carried from the cave to the open
air, which seemed slightly to revive him. His eyes
opened heavily, but closed again ; yet still he breathed.
His wounds were staunched as well as the limited means
and knowledge of the parties present allowed ; and the
ladder, drawn up from the cave and overlaid with tufts
of heather, served to bear the sufferer to the nearest
house, whence Andy ordered a mounted messenger to
hurry for a doctor. The man seemed to hear what was
going forward, for he faintly muttered, " the priest the
priest."

Andy, anxious to procure this most essential comfort
to the dying man, went himself in search of Father
Blake, whom he found at home, and who suggested
that a magistrate might be also useful upon the occa-
sion ; and as Merryvale lay not much out of the way,
Andy made a detour to obtain the presence of Squire
Egan, while Father Blake pushed directly onward upon
his ghostly mission.

Andy and the Squire arrived soon after the priest had
administered spiritual comfort to the sufferer, who still
retained sufficient strength to make his depositions before
the Squire, the purport of which turned out to be of the
utmost importance to Andy.

This man, it appeared, was the husband of Bridget^



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594 Handy Andy

who had returned from transportation, and sought his
wife and her dear brother, and his former lawless asso-
ciates, on reaching Ireland. On finding Bridget had
married again, his anger at her infidelity was endeavoured
to be appeased by the representations made to him that
it was a " good job," inasmuch as ** the lord " had been
screwed out of a good sum of money by way of sepa-
rate maintenance, and that he would share the advantage
of that. When matters were more explained, however,
and the convict found this money was divided among so
many, who all claimed right of share in the plunder, his
discontent returned. In the first place, the pettifogger
made a large haul for his services. Shan More swore it
was hard if a woman's own brother was not to be the
better for her luck; and Larry Hogan claimed hush-
money, for he could prove Bridget's marriage, and so
upset their scheme of plunder. The convict maintained
his claim as husband was stronger than any \ but this, all
the others declared, was an outlandish notion he brought
* back with him from foreign parts, and did not prevail in
their code of laws by any manner o' means, and even
went so far as to say they thought it hard, after they had
" done the job," that he was to come in and lessen their
profit, which he would, as they were willing to give an
even share of the spoil ; and after that, he must be the
most discontented villain in the world if he was not
pleased.

The convict feigned contentment, but meditated at
once revenge against his wife and the gang, and separate
profit for himself. He thought he might stipulate for a
good round sum from Lord Scatterbrain, as he could
prove him free of his supposed matrimonial engagement,
and inwardly resolved he would soon pay a visit to his
lordship. But his intentions were suspected by the
gang, and a strict watch kept upon him ; and though his
dissimulation and contrivance were of no inferior order,
Larry Hogan was his overmatch, and the convict was



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Handy Andy 595

detected in having been so near Lord Scatterbrain's
dwelling, that they feared their secret, if not already
revealed, was no longer to be trusted to their new con-
federate's keeping) and it was deemed advisable to
knock him on the head, and shoot my lord, which they
thought would prevent all chance of the invalidity of the
marriage being discovered, and secure the future pay-
ment of the maintenance.

How promptly the murderous determination was acted
upon, the preceding events prove. Andy's courage in
the first part of the affair saved his life; his promptness
in afterwards seeking to secure the offenders led to the
important discovery he had just made \ and as the con-
vict's depositions could be satisfactorily backed by proofs
which he showed the means of obtaining, Andy was con-
gratulated heartily by the Squire and Father Blake, and
rode home in almost delirious delight at the prospect of
making Oonah his wifcv On reaching the stables, he
threw himself from his saddle, let the horse make his
own way to his stall, dashed through the back hall, and
nearly broke his neck in tumbling up-stairs, burst open
the drawing-room door, and made a rush upon Oonah,
whom he hugged and kissed most outrageously, amidst
exclamations of the wildest affection.

Oonah, half strangled and struggling for breath, at
last freed herself from his embraces, and asked him,
angrily, what he was about in which inquiry she was
backed by his mother.

Andy answered by capering round the room, shouting,
" Hurroo ! I'm not married at all hurroo ! " He
turned over the chairs, upset the tables, threw the
mantelpiece ornaments into the fire, seized the poker
and tongs, and banged them together as he continued
dancing and shouting.

Oonah and his mother stood gazing at his antics in
trembling amazement, till at last the old woman ex-
claimed, " Holy Vargin ! he 's gone mad ! " whereupon



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596 Handy Andy

she and her niece set up a violent screaming, which
called Andy back to his propriety, and, as well as his
excitement would permit, he told them the cause of his
extravagant joy. His wonder and delight were shared
by his mother and the blushing Oonah, who did not
struggle so hard in Andy's embrace on his making a
second vehement demonstration of his love for her.

**Let me send for Father Blake, my jewel," said
Andy, " and I '11 marry you at once."

His mother reminded him he must first have his
present marriage proved invalid. Andy uttered several
pieces of original eloquence on "the law's delay.**
" Well, anyhow," said he, " I *11 drink your health, my
darling girl, this day, as Lady Scatterbrain for you
must consider yourself as sitch."

** Behave yourself, my lord," said Oonah, archly.

" Bother ! " cried Andy, snatching another kiss.

" Hillo ! " cried Dick Damrson, entering at the
moment, and seeing the romping-match. "You're
losing no time, I see, Andy."

Oonah was running from the room, laughing and
blushing, when Dick interposed, and cried, " Ah, don't
go, ' my lady,' that is to be J*

Oonah slapped down the hand that barred her pro-
gress, exclaiming, " You 're just as bad as he is. Mister
Dawson ! " and ran away.

Dick had ridden over, on hearing the news, to con-
gratulate Andy, and consented to remain and dine with
him. Oonah had rather, after what had taken place, he
had not been there, for Dick backed Andy in his tor-
menting the girl and joined heartily in drinking to
Andy's toast, which, according to promise, he gave to
the health of the future Lady Scatterbrain.

It was impossible to repress Andy's wild delight ; and
in the excitement of the hour he tossed off bumper after
bumper to all sorts of love-making toasts, till he was
quite overcome by his potations, and fit for no place but



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Handy Andy 597

bed. To this last retreat of '* the glorious " he was
requested to retire, and, after much coaxing, consented.
He staggered over to the window-curtain, which he
mistook for that of the bed ; in vain they wanted to lead
him elsewhere he would sleep in no other bed but
that and, backing out at the window-pane, he made a
smash, of which he seemed sensible, for he said it
was n't a fair trick to put pins in the bed. " I know it
was Oonah did that ! hip ! ha ! ha ! Lady Scatter-
brain ! never mind hip ! I '11 have my revenge on
you yet ! "

They could not get him up-stairs, so his mother sug-
gested he should sleep in her room, which was on the
same floor, for that night, and at last he was got into the
apartment. There he was assisted to disrobe, as he
stood swaying about at a dressing-table. Chancing to
lay his hands on a pill-box, he mistook it for his watch.

" Stop stop ! " he stammered forth "I must wind
my watch;" and, suiting the action to the word, he
began twisting about the pill-box, the lid of which came
off and the pills fell about the floor. ** Oh, murder ! "
said Lord Scatterbrain, ^^the works of my watch are
fallin* about the flure pick them up pick them up

pick them up " He could speak no more, and

becoming quite incapable of all voluntary action, was
undressed and put to bed, the last sound which escaped
him being a faint muttering " pick them up."



VOL. 11.^19



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CHAPTER THE LAST

THE day following the eventful one just recorded,
the miserable convict breathed his last. A printed
notice was posted in all the adjacent villages, offering
a reward for the apprehension of Shan More and " other
persons unknown," for their murderous assault; and
a small reward was promised for such ^^ private informa-
tion as might lead to the apprehension of the aforesaid,"
&c., &c. Larry Hogan at once came forward and put
the authorities on the scent, but still Shan and his
accomplices remained undiscovered. Larry's information
on another subject, however, was more effective. He
gave his own testimony to the previous marriage of
Bridget, and pointed out the means of obtaining more,
so that, ere long. Lord Scatterbrain was a " free man."
Though the depositions of the murdered man did not
directly implicate Larry in the murderous attack, still it
showed that he had participated in much of their villany ;
but, as in difficult cases, we must put up with bad
instruments to reach the ends of justice, so this rascal
was useful for his evidence and private information, and
got his reward.

But he got his reward in more ways than one. He
knew that he dare not longer remain in the country after
what had taken place, and set off directly for Dublin by
the mail, intending to proceed to England ; but England
he never reached. As he was proceeding down the
Custom-house quay in the dusk of the evening, to get
on ship-board, his arms were suddenly seized and drawn
behind him by a powerful grasp, while a woman in front
drew a handkerchief across his mouth, and stifled his



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Handy Andy 599

attempted cries. His bundle was dragged from him,
and the woman ransacked his pockets; but they con-
tained but a few shillings, Lariy having hidden the
wages of his treachery to his confederates in the folds
of his neck-cloth. To pluck this from his throat, many
a fierce wrench was made by the woman, when her
attempts on the pockets proved worthless; but the
handkerchief was knotted so tightly that she could not
disengage it. The approach of some passengers along
the quay alarmed the assailants of Larry, who, ere the
iron grip released him, heard a deep curse in his ear
growled by a voice he well knew, and then he felt him-
self hurled with gigantic force from the quay wall.
Before the base, cheating, faithless scoundrel could make
one exclamation, he was plunged into the LifFey even
before one mental aspiration for mercy, he was in the
throes of suffocation ! The heavy splash in the water
caught the attention of those whose approach had alarmed
the murderers, and seeing a man and woman running,
a pursuit commenced, which ended by Newgate having
two fresh tenants the next day.

And so farewell to the entire. of the abominable crew,
whose evil doings and merited fates have only been
recorded when it became necessaiy to our story. It is
better to leave the debased and the profligate in oblivion
than drag their doings before the day ; and it is with
happy consciousness an Irishman may assert, that there
is plenty of subject afforded by Irish character and Irish
life honourable to the land, pleasing to the narrator, and
sufficiently attractive to the reader, without the unwhole-
some exaggerations of crime which too often disfigure
the fictions which pass under the title of " Irish," alike
offensive to truth as to taste alike injurious both for
private and public considerations.



It was in the following autumn that a particular
chariot drove up to the door of the Victoria Hotel, on



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6oo Handy Andy

the shore of Killarney lake. A young man of elegant
bearing handed a very charming young lady from the
chariot; and that kindest and most accommodating of

hostesses, Mrs. F ^ welcomed the fresh arrival with

her good-humoured and smiling face.

Why, amidst the crowd of arrivals at the Victoria,
one chariot should be remarkable beyond another, arose
from its quiet elegance, which might strike even a casual

observer; but the intelligent Mrs. F saw with half

an eye the owners must be high-bred people. To the
apartments already engaged for them they were shown ;
but few minutes were lost within doors where such
matchless natural beauty tempted them without. A
boat was immediately ordered, and then the newly arrived
visitors were soon on the lake. The boatmen had
already worked hard that day, having pulled one party
completely round the lakes no trifling task; but the
hardy fellows again bent to their oars, and made the
sleeping waters wake in golden flashes to the sunset, till
told they need not pull so hard.

*' 'Faith, then, we '11 pla%e you, sir," said the stroke-
oarsman, with a grin, ^ for we have had quite enough
of it to-day."

" Do you not think, Fanny," said Edward O'Connor,
for it was he who spoke to his bride, " Do you not think
'tis more in unison with the tranquil hour and the
coming shadows, to glide softly over the lulled waters ? "

"Yes," she replied, "it seems almost sacrilege to
disturb this heavenly repose by the slightest dip of the
oar see how perfectly that lovely island is reflected."

"That is Innisfallin, my lady," said the boatman,
hearing her allude to the island, " where the hermitage
is." As he spoke, a gleam of light sparkled on the
island, which was reflected on the water.

"One might think the hermit was there too," said
Fanny, " and had just lighted a lamp for his vigils."

" That 's the light of the guide that shows the place



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Handy Andy 601

to the quality, my lady, and lives on the island always in
a corner of the ould ruin. And, indeed, if you 'd like
to see the island this evening, there 's time enough, and
*t would be so much saved out of to-morrow."

The boatman's advice was acted upon, and as they
glided towards the island, Fanny and Edward gazed
delightedly on the towering summits of Magillicuddy's
reeks, whose spiral pinnacles and graceful declivities
told out sharply against the golden sky behind them,
which, being perfectly reflected in the calm lake, gave
a grand chain of mountain the appearance of being sus*
pended in glowing heather, for the lake was one bright
amber sheet of light below, and the mountains one
massive barrier of shade, till they cut against the light
above. The boat touched the shore of Innisfallin, and
the delighted pair of visitants hurried to its western point
to catch the sunset, lighting with its glory the matchless
foliage of this enchanting spot, where every form of
grace exhaustless nature can display is lavished on the
arborial richness of the scene, which, in its unequalled
luxuriance, gives to a fanciful beholder the idea that the
trees themselves have a conscious pleasure in growing there.
Oh ! what a witching spot is Innisfallin !

Edward had never seen anything so beautiful in his
life \ and with the woman he adored resting on his arm,
he quoted the lines which Moore has applied to the Vale
of Cashmere, as he asked Fanny would she not like to
live there.

" Would you ? " said Fanny.

Edward answered

If woman can make the worst wilderness dear,
Think think what a heaven she must make of Cashmere/*

They lingered on the island till the moon arose, and
then re-embarked. The silvery light exhibited the lake
under another aspect, and the dimly discovered forms of
the lofty hills rose one above another, tier upon tier.



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6o2 Handy Andy

circling the waters in their shadowy frame, the beauty
of the scene reached a point of sublimity which might be
called holy. As they returned towards the shelving
strand, a long row of peeled branches, standing upright
in the water, attracted Fanny's attention, and she asked
their use.

" All the use in life, my lady," said the boatman, '' for
without the same branches, maybe it 's not home to-night
you 'd get.**

On Fanny inquiring further the meaning of the boat-
man's answer, she learned that the sticks were placed
there to indicate the only channel which permitted a
boat to approach the shore on that side of the lake,
where the water was shoal, while in other parts the
depth had never been fathomed.

An early excursion on the water was planned for the
morning, and Edward and Fanny were wakened from
their slumbers by the tones of the bugle; a soft Irish
melody being breathed by Spillan, followed by a more
sportive one from the other minstrel of the lake,
Ganzy.

The lake now appeared under another aspect the
morning sun and morning breeze were upon it, and the
sublimity with which the shades of evening had invested
the mountains was changed to that of the most varied
richness ; for Autumn hung out its gaudy banner on the
lofty hills, crowned to their summits with all variety of
wood, which, though tinged by the declining year, had
scarcely shed one leafy honour. The day was glorious,
and the favouring breeze enabled the boat to career
across the sparkling lake under canvas, till the over-
hanging hills of the opposite side robbed them of their
aerial wings, and the sail being struck, the boatmen bent
to their oars. As they passed under a promontory,
clothed from the water's edge to its topmost ridge with
the most luxuriant vegetation, it was oointed out to the
lady as " the minister's back.**



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Handy Andy 603

" 'T is a strange name," said Fanny. " Do you know
why it is called so ? "

** Faix, I dunna, my lady barrin' that it is the best
covered back in the country. But here we come to the
aichos^^ said he, resting on his oars. The example was
followed by his fellows, and the bugler, lifting his instru-
ment to his lips, gave one long well-sustained blast. It
rang across the waters gallantly. It returned in a few
seconds with such unearthly sweetness, as though the
spirit of the departed sound had become heavenly, and
revisited the place where it had expired.

Fanny and Edward listened breathlessly.

The bugle gave out its notes again in the well-known
" call," and as sweetly as before the notes were returned
distinctly.

And now a soft and slow and simple melody stole
from the exquisitely played bugle, and phrase after phrase
was echoed from the responding hills. How many an
emotion stirred within Edward's breast, as the melting
music fell upon his ear ! In the midst of matchless
beauties he heard the matchless strains of his native land,
and the echoes of her old hills responding to the
triumphs of her old bards. The air, too, bore with it
historic associations ; it told a tale of wrong and of
suffering. The wrong has ceased, the suffering is past,
but the air which records them still lives.

" Oh ! triumph of the minstrel ! " exclaimed Edward
in delight. " The tyrant crumbles in his coffin, while
the song of the bard survives ! The memory of a
sceptred ruffian is endlessly branded by a simple strain,
while many of the elaborate chronicles of his evil life
have passed away and are mouldering like himself."

Scarcely had the echoes of this exquisite air died
away, when the entrancement it carried was rudely
broken by one of the vulgarest tunes being brayed from
a bugle in a boat which was seen rounding the headland
of the wooded promontory.



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6o4 Handy Andy

Edward and Fanny writhed, and put their hands to
their ears. " Give way, boys ! " said Edward ; *' for
pity's sake get away from these barbarians. Give
way ! "

Away sprang the boat. To the boatman's inquiry
whether they should stop at *' Lady Kenmare's Cottage,"
Fanny said " no," when she found on inquiry it was a
particularly " show-place," being certain the vulgar party
following would stop there, and therefore time might be
gained in getting away from such disagreeable followers.

Dinas Island, fringed with its lovely woods, excited
their admiration, as they passed underneath its shadows,
and turned into Turk Lake ; here the labyrinthine nature
of the channels through which they had been winding
was changed for a circular expanse of water, over which
the lofty mountain, whence it takes its name, towers in
all its wild beauty of wood, and rock, and heath.

At a certain part of the lake, the boatmen, without
any visible cause, rested on their oars. On Edward
asking them why they did not pull, he received this
touching answer:

^^ Sure, your honour would not have us disturb Ned
Macarthy's grave ! '*

^ Then a boatman was drowned here, I suppose ? '*
said Edward.

" Yes, your honour." The boatman then told how
the accident occurred ** one day when there was a stag-
hunt on the lake \ " but as the ancedote struck Edward
so forcibly that he afterwards recorded it in verse, wc
will give the story after his fiishion.

MACARTHY S GRAVE

I

The breeze was fresh', the morn was fair.
The stag had left his dewy lair ;
To cheering horn and baying tongue,
Killamey^s echoes sweetly rung.



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Handy Andy 605



With sweeping oar and bending mast,
The eager chase was following fast $
When one light skiff a maiden steer' d
Beneath the deep wave disappeared :
Wild shouts of terror wildly ring,
A boatman brave, with gallant spring
And dauntless arm, the lady bore \
But he who saved was seen no more !



Where weeping birches wildly wave.

There boatmen show their brother's grave \

And while they tell the name he bore,

Suspended hangs the lifted oar ;

The silent drops they idly shed

Seem like tears to gallant Ned \

And while gently gliding by,

The tale b told with moistenM eye.

No ripple on the slumbering lake

Unhallow'd oar doth ever make ;

All undisturbed, the placid wave

Flows gently o'er Macarthy's grave.

Winding backwards through the channels which lead
the explorers of this scene of nature's enchantment from
the lower to the upper lake, the surpassing beauty of
the " Eagle's nest " burst on their view ; and as they
hovered under its stupendous crags, clustering with all
variety of verdure, the bugle and the cannon awoke
the almost endless reverberation of sound which is
engendered here. Passing onward, a sudden change is
wrought ; the soft beauty melts gradually away, and the
scene hardens into frowning rocks and steep acclivities,
making a befitting vestibule to the bold and bleak preci-
pices of " The Reeks," which form the western barrier
of this upper lake, whose savage grandeur is rendered more
striking by the scenes of fairy-like beauty left behind.
But even here, in the midst of the mightiest desolation,
the vegetative vigour of the numerous islands proves the
wondrous productiveness of the soil in these regions.

On their return, a great commotion was observable as



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6o6 Handy Andy

they approached the rapids formed by the descending
waters of the upper lake to the lower, and they were
hailed and warned by some of the peasants from the
shore that they must not attempt the rapids at present,
as a boat, which had just been upset, lay athwart the
passage. On hearing this, Edward and Fanny landed
upon the falls, and walked towards the old bridge,
where all was bustle and confusion, as the dripping pas-
sengers were dragged safely to shore from the capsized
boat, which had been upset by the principal gentleman
of the party, whose vulgar trumpetings had so disturbed
the delight of Edward and Fanny, who soon recognised
the renowned Andy as the instigator of the bad music
and the cause of the accident. Yes, Lord Scatterbrain,
true to his original practice, was author of all.

Nevertheless, he and his party, soused over head and
ears as they were, took the thing in good humour, which
was unbroken even by the irrepressible laughter which
escaped from Edward and Fanny, as they approached
and kindly offered assistance. An immediate removal
to the neighbouring cottage on Dinas Island was recom-
mended, particularly as Lady Scatterbrain was in a deli-
cate situation, as well, indeed, as Mrs. Durfy, who, with
her dear Tom, had joined Lord Scatterbrain's party of
pleasure.

On reaching the cottage, sufficient change of clothes
was obtained to prevent evil consequences from the
ducking. This, under ordinary circumstances, might
not have been easy for so many ; but, fortunately. Lord
Scatterbrain had ordered a complete dinner from the
hotel to be served in the cottage, and some of the assist-
ants from the Victoria, who were necessarily present,
helped to dress more than the dinner. What between
cookmaids and waiters, the care-taker of the cottage and
the boatmen, bodies, and skirts, jackets and other con-'
veniences, enabled the party to sit down to dinner in
company, until fire could mend the mistake of his lord



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Handy Andy 607

ship. Edward and Fanny courteously joined the party ;
and the honour of their company was sensibly felt by
Andy and Oonah, who would have borne a ducking a
day for the honour of having Fanny and Edward as their
guests. Oonah was by nature a nice creature, and
adapted herself to her elevated position with a modest
ease that was surprising. Even Andy was by this time
able to conduct himself tolerably well at table only on
that particular day he did make a mistake ; for when
salmon (which is served at Killarney in all sorts of
variety) made its appearance for the first time in the novel
form *' en papillote^^ Andy ate paper and all. He refused
a second cutlet, however, saying he " thought the skin
tough,** The party, however, passed off mirthfully, the
very accident helping the fun ; for, instead of any one
being called by name, the " lady in the jacket," or the
** gentleman in the bedgown," were the terms of address ;
and, after a merrily spent evening, the beds of the Vic-
toria gave sleep and pleasing dreams to the sojourners of
Killarney.

Kind reader ! the shortening space we have prescribed
to our volume warns us we must draw our story to an
end. Nine months after this Killarney excursion. Lord
Scatterbrain met Dick Dawson near Mount Eskar, where
Lord Scatterbrain had ridden to make certain inquiries
about Mrs. O'Connor's health. Dick wore a smiling
countenance, and to Andy's inquiry answered, " All
right, and doing as well as can be expected."

Lord Scatterbrain, wishing to know whether it was a
boy or a girl, made the inquiry in the true spirit of Andy-
ism " Tell me, Misther Dawson, are you an uncle or
an aunt ? "

Andy's mother died soon after of the cold caught by
her ducking. On her death-bed she called Oonah to
her, and said, "I leave you this quilt, alanna 'tis
worth more than it appears. The hundred-pound notes
Andy gave me I quilted into the lining, so that if I lived



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6o8 Handy Andy

poor all my life till lately, I died under a quilt of bank-
notes, anyhow."

Uncle Bob was gathered to his fathers also, and left
the bulk of his property to Augusta, so that Furlong had
to regret his contemptible conduct in rejecting her hand.
Augusta indulged in a spite to all mankind for the future,
enjoying her dogs and her independence, and defying
Hymen and hydrophobia for the rest of her life.

Gusty went on profiting by the early care of Edward
O'Connor, whose friendship was ever his dearest posses-
sion; and Ratty, always wild, expressed a desire for
leading a life of enterprise. As they are both " Irish
heirs," as well as Lord Scatterbrain, and heirs under
very different circumstances, it is not improbable that
in our future " accounts " something may yet be heard
of them, and the grateful author once more meet his
kind readers.