Cockton_Valentine_Vox.txt topic ['13', '324', '378', '393']
CHAPTER I.
THB BIRTH AND EDUCATION OP VALENTINE, WITH THE PARlSfTAL
PBCUUAaiTIES AMD PREMATURE DEATH OF HIB IMMEDIATE AN-
In one of the most ancient and populous boroughs in the county of
Suffolk, there resided a senius named Jonathan Vox, who, in order to
make a fortune with rapidity, tried everything, but fiiiled to succeed in
anything because he could stick long to nothing.
At the age of fiye-and-twoity, this gentleman, who was held to be a
highly respectable christian in consequence of his regular attendance at
diurch twice every sabbath day, became enamoured of the expectations
of Miss Penelope Long, a young lady who had an uncle supposed to
have made a mint of money somehow, and an aunt who was believed
to have another mint somewhere.
To the best of Miss Penelope's belief she had not another relative in
the worid, and as this belief was singularly enough imparted to Jona-
than, he at once became inspired with the conviction that he could
not convemently do better than secure Miss Penelope, seeing that, if
even he were not made wealthy at once, there was wealth in the fEunOy,
which must at some period or other be his, as neither uncles nor aunts,
though they live much too long for the convenienoe of many, are im-
mortaL
Accordingly Jonathan embraced the very earliest opportunity of as-
sailing Miss Penelope's heart, and this he managed to do with consider-
able comfort to himself^ and with no inconsiderable satisfection to the
lady ; for while on the one hand Jonathan had been cast in an insinuat-
ing mould, on the other, he and Penelope were of the s^-same ^* order,"
a cueumstance, which in a town where the eighteenpenny people cannot
associate with the shilling individuals, without being regularly cut dead
by the half-crowners, cleuly renders the first advances in matters of this
description peculiarly agreeable.
2 LIFE AKD ADVENTURES OF
Jonathan, therefore, at once manfully commenced the attack with an
original remark, having reference to the weather ; hut as he found this
a somewhat barren topic, for a man cannot well keep on talking about
the weather, and the weather only, for many hours in succession, he
adroitly changed it to that of the eloquence of the minister of St. James's
a subject with which they were both of course perfectly conversant,
and which lasted them, with sundry affectionate interpolations, until
prudence compelled them to separate for the night.
The next evening, by appointment, the attack was renewed, and the
thing was followed up with appropriate ardour for a period of fifteen
years, Jonathan being naturally anxious to defer the consummation of
his happiness as long as he possibly could, i^ expectation of an event
which might cause both Penelope and himself to sport 'Hhe trappings
and the suits of woe." At the expiration of this period, however, it
having been delicately suggested by Penelope, that they had known
each other long enough to know each other well, the day was fixed, and
in the presence of uncle John and aunt Eleanor, Jonathan and Penelope
were united.
In less than twelve months from this period, Jonathan was gene*
rously presented with an interesting pledge of affection in the perfect
similitude of a son. The presentation of course, made his heart glad.
He kissed his heir, sang to him, danced him on his knee, and would
inevitably have killed him, but for the timely interposition of the
nurse, who insisted upon taking the child away just as Jonathan was
urging him to drink his pa's health in a glass of hot brandy and water
Now Jonathan, as we have stated, could never, in pecuniary matters,
get on, a circumstance which was not attributable solely to his ina-
bility to adhere for any length of time to any one pursuit, but also to
the fact that, with all his ardent love of independence vrith all his
eager anxiety to realize a rapid and a splendid fortune, he was exceed-
ingly improvident, and had a really great contempt for all small sums
of money. He was not a man capable of being prevailed upon exactly
to ram a twenty-pound note down his gun if he wanted wadding, but
he would lend twenty-pounds at any time, without the most remote
prospect of its ever being returned, or accept a bill of exchange for thai
or any other amount without a chance of its being honoured by the
drawer. This kept him perpetually poor. The more money he got,
the more he thus got rid of: indeed he was always in debt, and that
always in proportion to the amount of his income.
Uncle John knowing this to be one of the chief characteristics of
Jonathan, and conceiving it to be high time to convince him of the pro-
priety of acting with less improvidence in future, sought immediately
after the christening of his heir, who at the instance or Aunt Eleanor,
was named Valentine to impress upon his mind the expediency of
reforming. Of course Jonathan saw the force of the suggestion in a
moment. He promised to reform; and he did reform. lie was in-
exorable for a month. He would not lend a shilling ; nor would he
accept a bill to accommodate any man. He had a family, and in justice
to that family he could not consent to do it. At the expiration of the
TALENTINB TOX. 3
month, however, his resolution vanished. He was induced by a friend
to do that which he had often done before, but which he had promised
Uncle John that he would never do again, and when the time came for
honouring the instrument, neither he nor his friend could make up the
amount, and the consequence was that he was immediately arrested.
Valentine was of course then too young to be actively engaged in
promoting the release of the author of his being ; but it is notwith-
standing a fact, that he caused him to be released, seeing that through
him, and through him alone, Uncle John paid the bill, and thus set
him at liberty. This event had a salutary effect upon Jonathan. He
had no more to do with those dangerous instruments. What he lent
was lent in specie; he would not lend his name to any man after
that.
Now, in obedience to nature's immutable law. Master Valentine
gradually grew older ; and when he had arrived at the age of nine years,
he was placed by Uncle John under the care of the iSeverend Henry
Paul, a gentleman, who b^ng unable with any great degree of comfort
to support himself, a wife, and seven children upon the 50/. a-year
which he derived from his curacy, took a limited number of pupils, that
is to say, of course, as many as he could get, at twelve guineas per
annum, and no extras.
The academy of Mr. Paul was in the immediate vicinity of New-
market, and Mr. Paul himself was an extremely benevolent and virtuous
man* He would shrink from even the semblance of a dishonourable
action, and would, rather than be guilty of one, no matter how venial
in the eye of the world it might be, live glorying in the rectitude of his
conduct, on starvation's brink. His father had been an eminent mer-
chant, and so snccessful in the early part of his career, that he had at
one time realised a fortune of at least 200,000/. He did not, however,
rdinquish business. Determined to do all in his power for his son, who
after having received a sound preparatory education, was sent to Cam-
bridge, he continued to pursue his old course of amassing wealth with
as much zeal and energy as if he had been labouring to procure the
bare means of existence. The year, however, in which his son left
Cambridge, was a disastrous year to him. A series of unsuccessful
^peculations completely ruined him. He not only lost every guinea he
possessed, but was plunged into debt so deeply, that extrication was
impossibler He therefore became a bankrupt, and in the room in
which his creditors met for the first time, the consciousness of his posi-
tion overpowered him, and he died of a broken heart.
Mr. Henry Paul was thus thrown at once upon the world without a
shilling, and without a friend. He had neglected to make friends while
at college, by being subservient to mere rank, with a view to patronage,
and had therefore no prospect of promotion. For some considerable
time he was literally starving ; but he at length obtained a curacy, and
soon after became enamour^ of an accomplished young creature, who
was a governess in the rectors &mily, and just as poor as himself,
whom he married, and thus in a pecuniary point of view Iscaled the fate
of both for ever.
4 LTFE AND ADVENTUBB8 OF
From such a man YaloDtine need not turve expected seYerity, alMt
lie bad a lively apprehension of it at first. Mr. Panl regarded lua
pupils with the most considerate tenderness. Had they been his own
children his treatment of them could not have been marked with more
affection. His chief anxiety was to impart to them a knowledffe of
the right course, and a full appreciation of the advantages of whidi its
pursuit is productive. His censure was embodied in his praise of
others ; his only punishment consisted in withholding reward.
When Valentine had been at this academy five yeaxs, during which
time he had made very considerable prcmess, his father, while trying
some nautical experiment in a narzow-bellied water-butt, pitched, to
the unspeakable mortification of an extensive circle of fHends, head-
long to the bottom and was drowned.
This event was to Valentine a source of deep affliction as a natural
matter of course ; and he left school in consequence, nominally for a
month, but in reality never to return, for after the solemn deposit of the
remains of the departed in the family vault, the afflicted widow, as the
only means of obtaining the slightest consolation, kept Valentine at
home.
His grief, however, speedily vanished. He had everything he widied
for ^was petted and spoiled. Uncle John allowed the widow a re-
spectable annuity, and the widow aUowed Val to do just what he
pleased. He was usually from home the greater part of the day, either
shooting, hunting, fishing, driving, bathinff, or cricketing, and aa he
soon became an adept at almost every active game, he invariably had
some match or other on hand.
Thus matters went on for the space of four years, when a circnm*
stance happened which influenced his conduct through life so materi-
ally, that had it not occurred, the probability is that his adventures
would never have been published to the world.
CHAPTER II.
THB GENIUS AND CHARACTERISTIC HONOUR OF A GREAT MAGICIAN:
VALENTINE IN8PIREB THB SPIRIT OF HIS ART.
When the birth-place of Valentine was visited by Signer Antonio
Hesperio de Bellamoniac, juggler extraordinary to the King of Naples,
and teacher of the black art to Gwang Foo Twang, the Grand Emperor
of China, it was announced that a wonderful e:diibition of the noble
science of legerdemain, of which the dgnor was for the nonce an Italian
j^ofessor, would take place in a room at the back of the Bull, an inn
celebrated for the extreme antiquity of its beer.
Now the Bull, in consequence of the peculiar celebrity it had acquired,
was the nightly resort of a select number of townsmen, of whom the
chief in the estimation of the company was a Mr. Timottieas ironsidesi
TAUSMmfE vox. $
tiie leportor snd sob-editor of ono of the jouniab a gentleman whom
the agnor ao delighted the eTening previomily to the wonderful exhibi-
tion, Siat he Tolnntarily piomiBed to ffive him '^ a lifl^' ^in conaideaition
of which promise the signor gave hmi a carte blanche to aend in as
rnanj friends as he pleased.
Well, the honr at which the performances were to take place
amTod, and the signor saw with considerable dismay that he had
embarked in a most atrocious speculation. There were not more than
fiTe-and-twenty patrons of art present, of whom seven only paid the
admission fee; namely, the small chaige of Bd, and therefoxe, aa the
gross receipts amounted to no more than 1. 9(/., Signor Antonio Hes-
perio de Beilamoniac determined on starting the next morning for soma
place in which genius was moxe highly appreciated, and somewhat more
libenlly patronised*
On mentioning this, his Exed determination, after the performance, to
Mr. Ironsides, that gentleman on the instant pointed out the extreme
madness of the idea, explained to him that Wednesday was the grand
market-day, that his paper was published on the Tuesday, that hundreds
of farmers with their wives and daughters would then be in town, and
that he was perfectly certain to have an audience crammed to the
e^ling after the just and impartial criticism he intended to give. To
thra the s^or listened with somewhere about half a smiley which was
clearly indicative of the existence of a species of incredulity, which they
who are in the habit of gulling others, invariably regard those who, as
they imagine, are desirous of gulling them. He didn't see it exactly.
He had not the smallest doubt about its being all correct, and he knew
that he was able to astonish them ; but how were they to be caught ?
What sort of critique could be written to bring them ? These were the
questions which the signor regarded, and, very naturally, as of infinite
importance.
*'* 111 show you," said Ironsides, ^^ how well proceed : step here, and
yon shall judge for yourself."
They acooniingly retiied to a little back parlour, in which they
remained' somewhat more than two hours concocting a criticism on the
evenings performance, which certainly was, aocordmg to the signor^s
own aduowldgement, *^ a regular flamer."
'^ Now," said the Signor, ^* can you get this in V*
^* Certsin,^' cried Ironsides^ ^^ my honour V
^' I don't doubt your honour," said the Signor; '' but have you the
power?"
'^ Beyond every species of doubt !" replied the journalist.
" Good," said the Signor ^*' good, very ^ood : the justice of it
pleases. Excellent ffood! Now I'U tell you what 111 do. That there's
safe to draw 'em there can't be two opinions about that. Vot say you,
then : 111 hire the large concert room upon the Market Hill, and you
shall go r^'lars in the profits."
**" .^greed!" shouted Ironsides. ^ So certain am I that we shall have
a good house, that 111 bear half the losses whatever they may be."
^^ That's precisely the game!" said the Signer^' Tm delighted!
ft LIFE AND ADVBNTURBS OF
Have you got such a thing as a crowB ? I 'spected some retnittanoes
this moming, which can't now he hexe before to-morrow."
^^ With pleasure T cried Ironsides, and the money changed hands in
an instant.
" I want to get some bills out," continued the Signer, ^* worry airly in
the morning."
^^ Leave all that to me," observed Ironsides, ^' Til undertake to do that.
I'll have some flamers, my boy, struck off; aye, and posted before you
are up."
^^ Good again !" cried the Signer. ^^ You know more about them
than I do. I'll leave it to you entirely even as a child will I go by
thy direction,"
'^ You'll find no nonsense about me," observed Ironsides, rising and
taking the Signer by the hand ^* Good night."
'^ Be stirring with the lark, good Norfolk!" cried the Signer, as the
journalist made his exit.
^^Is this to go down to Mr. Ironsides?" anxiously inquired the
landlord.
^'Of course !" replied the Signer ^'of course. Now a light 1'^ In the
space of three minutes Signer Antonio Hesperio de Bellamoniao ^whose
real name, it may perhaps be proper to observe, was John Tod-Haub-
mitted to the embrace of Morpheus with all the Christian resignation
at his command.
The next morning Mr. Ironsides wrote the placards, and had them
printed and posted with so much expedition, that before twelve o'clock
they illumined the town.
The great magician beheld these flamers with delight, and when in
ihe evening Ironsides, whose whole soul was centred in the spec,
brought a paper down to show him the impartial critique, he applauded
him even to the very echo that did, we have no doubt, applaud again.
Everything was that night arranged. The room was swept, the chan-
delier polisned, and the money-taker hired, while the cups, and the ballS|
and the thimbles, and the swords, were placed in order to the infinite
satisfaction, not only of Ironsides, but of Signer Antonio Hesperio de
Bollamoniac himself.
In due course of time, the market morning arrived, and the town
was, as usual, at an early hour, thronged. The Signer was inecataoies,
when he found so many gaily-dressed persons, whose countenances
seemed to indicate that their possessors were perfectly ready to be
duped, walking leisurely up and down the principal streets, with their
mouths wide open, and ready to swallow anyliiinff. He therefore
employed himself during the day in foing round and round the town
with the view of witnessing the avidity with which the contents of
the placards were read, and took especial care ineo^, to impress upon
each group a mysterious idea of the wonderful exhibition.
Well, seven o'clock came, and the Signer sporting a pair of huge
moustaches which he had purchased for this occasion expressly ^wrig-
gled his way through the crowd already assembled. The arrangements
were admirable. Only one could pass in at a time, and there stood the
VALENTINE VOX. 7
magician, ^ho dxew a shilling from each person until the room yrss
nearly filled, when, with an injunction to suffer no one to pass without
paying, he surrendered his post to the responsible individual whom
Ironsides had liberally engaged.
Now the Signer was what the world would call an exceedingly clever
fellow. He knew that he was perfectly uneducated, and was conscious
of the construction of his sentences being anything but strictly gram-
maticaJ. To conceal this, therefore, on uke one hand, and to inspire the
audience with the belief of his being, what he represented himself to be,
an Italian, on the other, he had recourse to a jargon of his own com-
position an indiscriminate mixture of Cockney English and Yankee
French which never by any chance failed him, for when he happened
to be ^' at home" he could make himself well understood, and when
abroad, he had only to resort to his unknown tongue, to render himself
as mysteriously unintelligible as possible.
At eight o'clock precisely the curtain went up and discovered the
great magician enveloped in a horsecloth, which he had borrowed for the
occasion of the ostler at the Bell, and which was meant to convey
the idea of a robe. His appearance was singularly imposing, for he had
tied on a long flowing beard, which, though black, had a peculiarly
cabalistic and patriarchal effect, while his face instead of being vul-
garly daubed with vermillion ^had been carefully rubbed over with
whitening, to give him the aspect of one much addicted to study ; and
lines had been made with the edge of a burnt cork, with the view of.
indicating the furrows which that study had established.
As soon as the enthusiasm with which his appearance was hailed had
subsided, the great magician, with due solemnity, stalked forward and
addressed his audience briefly as follows :
*^ Ladi and Shenteelmongs, I have de honnare to say dis, dat I sail
go troo warious parformong, and ven I sail svaller him sword town him
treat, I vas give you vong speciment ob venter et loquer, dat am to say
speak in him pelly."
What was understood of this gave great satisfaction ; but what was
most applauded was that which was most unintelligible.
The performances then commenced, and the Signer went through a
Taiiety of old tricks very cleverly. But when he came to his ventri-
loquism, he completely astounded his audience, for never having heard
anjrthing like it before, they were in doubt as to whether there was
not in him something superhuman. He then commenced playing the
violin ; and although he was an infomous fiddler, he managed to ravish
his audience by producing a series of the most horrible sounds that ever
assailed the ears of either man or beast, and thus terminated the won-
derful performances of the evening.
Signer Antonio Hesperio de Ballamoniac's next care was, of course,
to get the money which had been taken at the door during the perform-
ance, which, added to the sum he himself had received, made the gross
amount 23/. 155. With this and his implements of jugglery the
whole of which were safely deposited in a small cotton han&erchief
8 LIFE AVD ADVBNTtlRES OF
he repaired to hia quartera^ wbere, of course, he was soon joined by his
partner, the joumaUst.
*^0h! my dear sir!*' exclaimed the Signer, as Ironsides entered,
** I'm bound to you for hever."
^^ Don't mmition it, my boy," cried the jonmaUst. ^^ Yon see I was
right/'
*^ That talented notice of youm did the trick,*' observed the Signer,
*^ that Yos the game !"
** You have a pretty good haul," observed Ironsides.
^'Hexoellent !" warmly exclaimed the Signer; * Words cannot hexpresa
my deep gratitude. Y otll you take ? I mean for to stand a good sup-
per to night, if I never stand another."
Accordingly supper was ordered and eaten, and brandy and water
ad libitum drank, the whole of which was directed by the Siffn
to be put down to the general account, which was accordingly done
upon Ironside's sole responsibility.
^^Now," said the Signer, when Ironsides had drank pretty freely,
^^shall we divide the receipts of this glorious night now, or in the
morning V
^' As you please, my dear boy," said the joumaliBt.
^' WeU, I want to get rid, you know, of some of it," said the Signer,
*^ but perhaps arter hall it 'ud better be done in the morning?"
^^ Perhaps it had," hiccoughed the journalist.
^'Vot time 11 you be down ?" enquired the signer.
*'Any time you like," replied Ironsides.
^* Shall we say twelve then?" observed the magician, '^and by that
time you'll be able to put down all you have paid for bills, and sutterer ;
and I shall insist upon your having a couple of guineas hextra for that
critic of' youm in the paper."
*' Not a copper," cried Ironsides.
*' But I insist," said the Signer.
*'So you may but not a copper not a cop."
** Well I don't of course want to insult you. If you vont^ vy there's
a hend off the matter. Come drink."
But Ironsides could drink no more. He felt that he had already
drank more than enough, and therefore left his friend and partner with
the understanding that they were to meet the next morning at twelve.
The morning came, and the journalist was as punctual as the sun ;
but Signio Antonio Hesperio de Ballamoniao, was non ett inventui. He
had not been seen by any one connected with the Bull that morU'^
ing. He had in short decamped with the money and his implements,
without even leaving so much as his card ! Mr, Ironsides had th^e-
fore to pay for the concert-room, the flamers, the men, and the supper,
with the collateral expenses incurred at the inn, which the Signer had
honoured with his patronage ^the whole of which he paid too in abso-
lute silence, lest the facts S[ the case should become known, for he held
it to be utterly inexpedient to be made the perpetual butt of the town.
TALENTINE VOX.
CHAPTER III.
VALENTINE MAKES RAPID PROGRESS. HIS FIRST GRAND PUBLIC DISPLAY.
6TBIKINO DEVELOPMENT OP POLITICAL INJUSTICE. A SANGUINARY
LOCAL REBELLION SUBDUED.
Op all the magician's auditors on the great occasion to which we have
alluded) Valentine was one of the most attentive, and that portion of
the petformances which struck him with the greatest force was the
Signer's display of his power as a ventriloquist. Indeed, so deep an
impression did it make upon his mind that he firmly resolved to apply
to the maffician the follovdng day with the view of ascertaining if it
were possible for him to become a ventriloquist himself. Finding,
however, that the Signer had so unceremoniously vanished from the
town, he wx left entirely to his own resources, and after tijing with
desperation for several days he discovered, with equal astonishment and
delight, that he in reality possessed the power of speaking with an
abdominal intonation, and that zealous cultivation would cause that
power to be folly developed.
He accordingly commenced a severe course of training. He rose
early every morning and practised in the fields, and in doing so, fre-
quently startled himself for the power that was within him, not being
quite under control, would occasionally send the sound in one place
when be fully intended it to have been in another. The consciousness,
however, of his possessing this extraordinary power urged him to
persevere, and in less than six months it was entirely at his command.
He then began to astonish all whom he met. He would caU an
individual by name, and cause the sound to proceed apparently from
the opposite side of the street. If ladies were walking before him he
would instanUy nuse the dreaded cry of ^^ mad dog!" and imitate the
growlings of the animal in its parox3rsms to perfection. If persons were
passing an empty house, he would loudly cry * murder! thieves I**
when, ifhe could but persuade them to break open the door, he would
lead them from room to room by imitations of convulsive sobs and
dying groans, until the house had obtained the reputation of being
haunted. It enabled him to be revenged upon all who had offended
him ; and so unscrupulous was he when he had such an object in view
that he absolutely on one occasion forbad the marriage of a young lady
by whom he had been insulted, as he imagined, at a dance, by calling
out in a female voice, when the minister had said, ^^ If any of you know
any just cause or impediment why these two persons should not be
joined together in holy matrimony ye are now to declare it." '* / for-
bid that marriage."
'^ The person," said the minister on that occasion with due solemnity,
^ by whom this marriage is forbidden will be pleased to walk into the
vestiy."
The eyes of the congregation had immediate employment, but they
tMrinkled and strained to no purpose. Of course, no person appeared
c
10 LIFE AND ADYEIYTURBS OF
in the vestry ; but the lady whose marriage had been forbidden, and
whom cruel curiosity had prompted to be present at once fieunted, and
was instantly carried away by the sexton.
Valentine's first grand display, however, in public was at a meeting
convened at the Guildhall, for the purpose of electing a fit and proper
person to fill the vacancy occasioned by the lamentable death of Mr.
Faving Commissioner Cobb. Party-feelmg on that occasion ran high;
and the hall at the appointed hour was crowded to excess by the friends
of the candidates, who looked at each other as if the laws only prevented
the perpetration of cannibalism on the spot.
As the mayor was about to open the important business of the day,
with the expression of a lively hope that all parties would have a fur
and impartial hearing, Valentine entered the hall, and having by virtue
of perseverance, reached the steps of the rostrum from which the electors
were to be addressed, prepared at once to commence operations.
The first speaker was Mr. Creedale, an extremely thin gentleman,
with an elaborately-chiseeled nose, who came forward on the liberal
side to nominate Mr. Job Stone.
^' Gentlemen r said Mr. Creedale.
*^ Nonsense !** cried Valentine, in an assumed voice, of course which
appeared to proceed from a remote part of the hall.
^' Gentlemen!" repeated Mr. Creedale, with some additional emphasis.
'' Pooh, pooh !" exclaimed Valentine, changing the tone.
*' It may," said Mr. Creedale, ^^ be nonsense, or it may be pooh, pooh !
but, gentlemen, I address you as gentlemen, and beg that I may not be
interrupted."
^' don't mind Tibbs; go on I" cried Valentine.
** Oh! Tibbs; indeed !" observed Mr. Creedale, with a contemptuous
curl of the lip. " It's Mr. Tibbs, is it!"
*^ No ! no !" cried the accused individual, who was a highly respectable
grocer, and remarkable for his quiet and unassuming demeanour.
^* I am surprised at Mr. Tibbs," said Mr. Creedide in continuation
'' I have until now regarded him as an individual"
^' No, no !" again vociferated Tibbs, ^' It am't me, I am't spoke a
synnable."
^' If Mr. Tibbs," observed the mayor, ^' or if any other gentleman be
desirous of addressing the meeting he wUl have an opportunity of doing
so anon."
cc
Upon my honour!" exclaimed Tibbs, " I've"
Here there were general cries of ^' Order, order ! chair!" when Mr.
Creedale continued :
'^ Gentlemen; without adverting to any extraneous matter, it gives me
unspeakable pleasure to propose "
'' A revolutionist !" growled Valentine in a heavy bass voice.
^^ That's me, I s'pose!" exultingly cried Tibbs, shaking his head and
giving a most triumphant wink.
" I know whose voice that is," said Mr. Creedale, " That's the voice
of the conservative buUy. Yes, that's Mr. Brownrigg."
*' What!** shouted Brownrigg, in a voice of indignant thunder.
VALBNTINB VOX. 11
'' What r echoed Mr. Creedale.
" Saj it's me agam," shouted Brownrigg, ^^ just only so much as
say it's me again.'
^* Mr. Brownrigg," observed the mayor, ^^ will be pleased to conduct
himself here with propriety."
*' What do you mean?" exclaimed Brownrigg, " Why fix upon me?"
^^ That is not the first time," observed Mr. Creedale, ^' that Mr.
Brownrigg has been here with the view of blustering for the Conserva-
tives; but it won't "
** As true as life !" exckuned Brownrigg, " I never opened my lips.
Loud cries of *^ Older, oider! Question! Chair, chair !" drowned the
conclusion of the sentence, however interesting it might have been, and
Mr. Creedale resumed :
^^ As I was about to observe, gentlemen, when disgracefully inter-
rupted, it gives me great pleasure to propose Mr. Stone as "
^^ A Dickey l" screamed Valentine assuming the shrill voice of a
female*^ Don't have him ! he's a dickey 1"*
Here the entire meeting cried ^^ Shame!" and the candidate rose to
repel the insinuation.
*^ Officers !" shouted the mayor, ^' instantly turn that depraved
woroaii out!"
Hereupon a corps of corporate constables entered with their staves,
and rushed to the spot from which the sound appeared to proceed ; but
no woman was discoverable.
" Whoop !" cried Valentine, throwing his voice to another part of
the hall : and the officers rushed to that part with the most praiseworthy
nrocipitation, legally assaulting every elector who stood in their way ;
out no sooner had Uiey reached the spot proposed than ^^ the depraved
woman" appeared to be laughing outright in the very body of the
meeting. Away went the constables, following the sound, and enraged
beyond measure at their inability to catch her, when in an instant
another ^^ Whoop !" was heard to proceed from the spot they had just
quitted. Back went the constables, knocking aside every man whom
they came near, and thus creating a scene of indescribable confusion.
^^ Turn her out !" cried the mayor in loud tones of insulted dignity,
Turn her out !"
^^ Blarm me !" cried the Attest of the constables foaming with rage,
" We can't find her !"
Again loud laughter was heard, in which at length the entire meeting
joined on beholding the laudable ardour with which the constables kept
np the chase.
" You abandoned creature !" cried the mayor, ** why don't you leave
the ball T'
^ Let me alone 1 let me alone !" cried the ^ creature,' *' and 111 be
quiet* and inunediately a scream was heard, succeeded by sounds indi-
* It wiQ probably be necctiary here to observe that io Suffolk a " dickey" is the short
ibrao
12 LIFE AND ADTENTURS8 OF
cative of the ^ creature' being just on the point of fainting. The con-
stables fancied that they were sure of her then, and therefore made
another rush; but without more success. At length the mayoif
exclaimed, '^ Let her be : leave her to her own conscience," when the
constables with the greatest reluctance withdrew, and oomparativo
silence was restored.
Mr. Creedale then resumed: " A weak invention of the enemy
[^No, no ! and loud cheers] I repeat "
'^ You re a fool !" cried Valentine in a singularly gruff tone, on ^duch
there were again loud cries of " Shame !" and " Order !*'
'* 111 commit the first man," cried the mayor with a swell of indigna-
tion, ^' who again interrupts tiiese important proceedings, be he whMn-
soever he may."
" You can't, old boy !" cried Valentine.
'^ Who, who ia that ?" said the mayor '^ I demand to know instantly
who it is that dares thus to-"
" Dares!'' exclaimed Valentine.
*' Dares ! aye dares !" cried the mayor. " I'll give five pounds to any
man who will point out to me that atrocious individual."
Tlie electors at this moment stared at each other, and all appeared
lost in amazement.
The mayor again rose, and assuming a more tranquil tone, said,
^^ Really, gentlemen, this conduct is perfectly disgraceful. In the course
of my experience I never met with anything even remotely com-
parable to "
^' Jonathan Sprawl," cried Valentine, ^^ He is the man.*'
" If," said the mayor, '^ I thought that but no, no, I am oertun,
Mr. Sprawl"
** I assure you," said Jonathan, *' the interruption did not proceed
from me, on my honour. He who says that it did is a slanderer and
no gentleman; and I tell him so openly to his teeth."
^^ I am satisfied," said the mayor, ^^ quite satisfied, and therefore do
trust that we shall now be permitted to proceed."
^' Mr. Creedale, who was still in possession of the chair, again re-
sumed : '^ I am not inclined," said he, ** to indulge on this occasion in
anything which may tend to create feelings of irritation ; but I must be
permitted to say that I am utterly astonished at the conduct of "
^' Mr. MaxiU!'' said Valentine, imitating the voice of Mr. Creedale
the speaker.
^^ Demme !" cried Maxill, who was a short stumpy man, with a
remarkably raw-beefy face, '^ I begs to rise to order. Demme ! I claims
the protection of the cheer, and if so be as Mr, Creedale means for to
mean as it's me, why, demme, I repels tlie insiniwation QApplause]
I repels the insiniwation, and means for to say this, that all I can say
is Bravo Maxill^ all I can say is, demme, is this ^"
"You're an ass;" cried Valentine, throwing his voice inrmiediately
behind Mr. Maxill, "hold your tongue!"
"Within the sphere of the reader's observation, it has in all proba-
bility occurred, that a man, being in nautical phraseology, three sheets
TALBNTINE VOX. 13
in the wind, tad writhing under the tesh of some real or imannary
infinity has made desperate efforts to reach an opponent throu^ the
harrier composed of mutnal friends: if so, if the reader should ever
have heheld an individual in that interesting position, foaming, and
plunging, and hhistering, and occasionally stnking his dearest friend,
in his efibrts to get at the enemy, he is qualified to form some concep-
tion of the scene of which ^4ittle fatty Maxill" was the hero. He
fsmcied that he had discovered the delinquent. Nothing could shake
his fiuth in the assumed fact, that an individual named Abraham Bull,
who happened to be standing at the time in his immediate vicinity, was
the pereon by whom he had been insulted. He therefore sprang at
him with all the ferocity at his command ; but being checked by those
around, who were conscious of Bull*8 perfect innocence, he, bent upon
vengeance, continued kicking and bullying, and dealing out his blows
right and left, with tiie most perfect indiscrimination, until the consta-
bles lifted him clean off his legs, and without any further oeremony rolled
him into the street.
The mayor now fondly imagined that this would have the efiect of
restoring perfect order; he believed that after such an example as that,
no individual, or body of individuals would dare to ofier the slightest
interruption to the proceedings of the day ; and having expressed him-
self quietly to that effect, he bowed and waved his hand to Mr. Cree-
dale.
That gentleman accordingly came forward once more and said
*^ Gentlemen, it is with unspoikable "
**Blamey !" cried Videntine.
'^ Silence!'' exclaimed the Mayor with a melodramatic stamp that
shook the platform.
^^The eye of England," said Mr. Creedale, ^^nay the eye of all Eu-
rope [Asia, Africa, and America, added Valentine] are upon you, and I
can only say that anytning more "
'* Laughable," cried Yfuentine, assuming the voice of a respectable
plumber who stood near him.
^* Good heavens !" exclaimed the Mayor, ^to what a depth of degra-
dation have we dived ! For the love of grace permit me to say ih&i
anything more disgraceful never came within the pale 6f my experience.
Am I to be supported ? (loud cries of yes, yes !) Then in the name
of mighty reason, I call upon you loudly, boldly, emphatically, and
that nth all the energy of which I am capable, to do so. (^^ We will,
we will !" "Down with the tory myrmidons !" ** Down with the rank
revolutionary raff!" and loud cheers.)
At this stage of the proceedings the mayor quietly intimated to Mr.
Creedale, that it wonM perhaps be, imder the circumstances, expedient
to cot it short ; and Mr. Creedale having with half an eye perceived
the propriety of that suggestion, concluded amidst general uproar, with
the following most pointed remark :
" Gentlemen, since you will not hear me speak, I shall beg at once
to nominate, my friend Mr. Stone, a man whose equal as a fit and pro-
per perMm to be a paving commissioner is not to be found."
14 LIFE AMD ADVBNTURS8 OF
Hereupon, there were loud cheere from the libeial party, and hinea
and groans from the tories, and when Mr. Leechamp rose to second the
nommation, the cheering, and hissing, and groaning were renewed.
Mr. Mac Ireling then came forwitfd to propose Mi. Slahb, who had
the whole of the conservatiye interest on his side ; but the moment he
appeared in front of the platform, Valentine cried ^' Now for a signal
retaliation! now for our revenge?"
"Gentlemen/' said Mr. Mac Ireling.
*' You'll not let a rank torj speak if you are men !'' ezdaamed
Valentine; and Mr. Mac Ireling was immediately assailed with a tre-
mendous volley of groans from the liberals, who naturally believed that
the conservatives had created the whole of the previous disturbance.
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen I*' reiterated the mayor
at intervals, appropriately filled up with hissine, groaning, cheering,
whistling, and yelhng. " I demand to be heara. I innst I insist
upon silence. (' Order, order I chair, chair !') In the name of all that's
gracious let it not let it not, oh ! let it not go forth to the world, that
tne men of this ancient and enlightened boreueh, in the nineteenth cen-
tury, in the heart of the British empire ; in the centre, the very bull's-
eye of civilisation, are slaves to passion, idiots, madmen, and fools,
doud cheers.) Am I a cipher? (hear, hear!) On the instant would I
dissolve this most outrageous meeting, were it not that I am determined
to maintain inviolate the dignity of the office I have the honour to hold,
and not to be intimidated, frightened, alarmed, or put down by mere
clamour, (vehement cheering. J If we are to proceed, in the name of
blind and impartial justice, of mighty and inmiortal reason, of invinci-
ble and sound constitutional common sense, in the name of all that is
mighty, respectable, and just, let us do so."
This pointed and poetic appeal, delivered as it was, in tones of the
most eloquent indignation, haa the effect of inspiring the audience with
awe, which induced something bearing the semblance of order to pre-
vail
Mr. Mac Ireling then again stepped forward, and said, "Gentlemen,
I hope that my conduct has becoi of a character to conomand the es-
teem of "
"The Tories I" shouted Valentine.
" Heavens!" exclaimed the mayor, with his hands clenched, and
raising his voice to the highest raging pitch "by all that is powerful
and pure, I'll commit that man who presumes agiun to utter a single
syllable for the purpose of "
Valentine here sent into the body of the meeting an awfully melodra-
matic "Ha ! ha ! ha !" which appeared absolutely to electrify his wor-
ship, who loudly cried " Officers ! now do your duty I"
In vain those respectable functionaries, sweating with indignation,
rushed to the middle of the hall, with the laudable view of arresting
the delinq^uent. Loud laughter was still heard, but invariably behind
them, whichever way they happened to turn. The perspiration poured
down their cheeks, for their exertions were really terrifio. They
stamped, and puffed, and tore, and shook their fists, and looked etonal
VALBNTIKB VOX. 15
daggers at every man in their vicinity. The laughter was heard still ;
ana away they went t^in with fresh energy, inspired hy his worship's
reiterated cries of "Officers, now do your duty !" At length, fairly
driven to desperation, and heing in a state of the most excruciating
mental agony, they resolved on seizing some one, and accordingly
collared Mr. Lym, a highly reputahle haker, whom they happily dis-
oovered in the atrocious act of smiling at the ridiculous character of
their appearance. In vain Mr. Lym proclaimed his innocence ! they
had caught him in the act! and hence proceeded to drag him towards
the door with all possible voilence. In the space of one minute Mr.
Lym was divested of his top coat, under coat, waistcoat, and shirt ! -
those articles of apparel having been torn completely off by the en-
raged functionaries in the due execution of their duty. Lym would
have left the hall quietly enough, but the radicals would by no means
suffer him to do so. They rushed to the rescue ; and on Valentine
shooting out "Down with the republicans!'' in one voice, and ^'Down
with the tories V in another, a general battle ensued, which was kept
np on both sides with infinite spirit, while the mayor, duly mounted on
the table, was engaged in denouncing the irregular proceedings with all
the indignant energy at his command.
The voice of V luentine was now no longer needed. The electors were
making amply sufficient noise without his aid. He therefore mounted
tiie rostrum, partly for safety and partly with a view to the full enjoy-
ment of the scene, and then for the first time discovered that instead of
the combatants being divided into two grand political parties, as they
ought to have been, they were levelling their blows vnth indiscriminate
fary, regardless utterly of everything but the pleasure of conferring
upon some one the honour of a hit. In one comer of the hall there
was a dense mass of electors, of whom the majority were extremely
corpulent) hugging and hanging on each other, like bees when they
swarm, vrith such remarkable tenacity that the entire body formed a
most interesting exemplification of a perfectly dead lock. In another
comer there were two lines of amateur gladiators, hitting out as hard as
ihey could hit, but as they all, very discreetly, closed their eyes to pre-
serve them, and went in head foremost like bucks, their evolutions were
not strictly scientific, although the hardest heads did the greatest
amount of execution. In a third comer of the hall, there was a phalanx
of individuals who formed a complete Gorgian knot, and who contented
themselves vrith elbowing and grinning at each other with most praise-
worthy zeal; while in the fourth there were two distinct ranks of in-
dependent electors, one-half of whom were striving to protect their
firiends, by striking over the shoulders of those friencb whom they kept
with appropriate consideration in the front, to receive all the blows.
The grand point of attraction, however, was in the centre. Here a
circle of about two-and-twenty feet in diameter was strewed with quick
bodies, horizontally tvristing in and out sometimes above the surface,
snd sometimes below like so many eels in a tub, without even the
possibility of any one of them achieving his perpendicular. They could
itol rise. The more desperate, the more abortive were their efforts to do
16 LIFE ANP ADyBNTVRBS OF
60. They writhed, and kicked, and blustered, and rolled, but still pre*
served the true character of the scene, namely, that of a general sprawl.
While these really delightful proceedings were hmne conducted, cer-
tain well-intentioned persons, who had escaped, conceiving it to be the
commencement of a sanguinary revolution, rushed with breathless baste
to the Bell, which they knew to be the head-quarters of a troop of
dragoons, then temporarily stationed in the town, and at once gave the
alarm, that the rebellion might be nipped in the bud. Before the awful
tale could be told twice, the trumpet sounded on the Market Hill, to
horse! and in less than five minutes the entire troop, headed by a
mounted magistrate, galloped to the scene of action.
On reaching the hall, the revolutionists were to the soldiers invisible.
A tumultuous din was heard ^a din which threatened to burst the case
ment ; but nothing could be seen. The doors were fast. Not one of
the rebels within Knew how to open them ; nor coidd they be con-
veniently opened from without. Mr. Alldread, the magistrate, how-
ever, in the king's name, commanded them to be instantly broken down,
which command was obeyed with much alacrity by the alarmists. But
here another difficulty presented itself; the rebels either would not, or
could not come out ! Mr. Alldread, therefore, determined to surmount
every obstacle, in the king's name commanded the soldiers to gallop in.
He was for checking the rebellion ere it got to a head ! so certain was
he, that if energetic measures were not promptly taken, the British em-
pire would be crumbled into one chaotic mass of revolutionary ruin.
Now for a troop of dragoons to gallop pell-mell into a densely
crowded hall, was r^arded, very naturally, by Captain Copeland, the
officer in command, as somewhat of a novelty in military tactics ; how-
ever, partly to humour the alarmed magistrate, and partly because he
felt that the mere sight of the soldiers would be sufficient to put an end
to all civil hostilities, he ordered his men to follow him with all possible
care, and accordingly in they all went.
The eyes of the majority of the insurgents were at this crisis closed,
and as those of the rest were fixed firmly upon their antagonists, the
quiet entrance of the soldiers, except by a few near the door, was for a
moment disregarded. Captain Copeland, however, ordered the trumpet
to sound, and the trumpeter blew a shivering blast, so loud, that in an
instant, as if by magic, hostilities ceased.
"Upon em !" loucUy shouted Mr. Alldread; "char-r-r-r-ge !"
The gallant captain smiled ; and his men had absolutely the cold-
blooded audacity to wink at each other with gleeful significance.
" Heavens !" exclaimed Mr. Alldread, utterly astonished at the mani-
fest indisposition of the soldiers to cut the rebels individually into
mince-meat. " Why, what do you fear ? In the king's name, again
I command you to mow the traitors down !"
Captain Copeland, perceiving every eye fixed upon him, at once grace-
fully waved his bright sword until the point rested opposite the door,
when the rebels, viewing this as an intimation that they would all be
permitted to depart unscotched, rushed with all the alacrity at their
VALBNTTNE TOX. 17
comnumd into the street, and in the space of fiye minutes the entire hody
of the hall was deserted.
A oouncil of war was then held on the spot, at which the mayor was
too exhausted to utter an audible sentence, but Mr. Alldread could not
withhold the loud expression of his unspeakable surprise at Captain
Gopeland's peculiarly unconstitutional indisposition to promote the
circulation of rank rebellious blood. It was, however, eventually
decided that no further steps need be taken in the matter, and as the
captain wished to spend a merry evening, he invited the mayor and every
member of the corporation present to dine with him forthwith at the
Bell. The invitation was accepted, and as they left the hall, certain
etraggliag knots of rebeb who were discussing the cause of the dis-
turbance with great energy, took to their heels and ran to the various
public houses uiey were in the habit of frequenting, each, of course,
with the view of contending for the correctness of his own version of the
origin of the finy . The soldiers smiled as they saw the rebels running ; but,
although Mr. Alldread insisted upon the propriety of the troop giving
ihem diace, the party proceeded with due dignity to dinner, after which
the bottle went round merrily till midnight, when the mayor and the
rest of the members of the corporation, at the particular desire of Mr.
Alldread were conducted to the doors of their respective residences,
imd^ a most formidable military escort.
CHAPTER IV.
MATERNAL SOtldTUDE. GREAT-T7NCLB JOHN IN CONVULSIONS. THB
CHASTITY OF A MAIDEN IMPUONBD.
Nothing could exceed the delight with which Valentine contemplated
the result of the first grand display of his latent power. He went home
in ecstacies, and exercised his voice with so mucn violence, and imitated
the contortions of the constables so grotesquely, that his affectionate
parent absolutely believed him to be possessed of the same spirit as that
which inhabited the swine. Again and again she implored him to
explain to her what had occurred; but, inspired with the conviction
that his power would lose a great portion of its value if its existence in
him became known, he confined himself to a statement of the fact of his
having been to the meeting and upset them all. The singular style,
however, in which this statement was made, and the loud and irre-
pressible laughter by which it was accompanied, caused serious appre-
hensions on the part of Mrs. Vox that h& Valentine had eaten of the
insane root, and prompted her to go for advice to Unde John, while
Val was doing justice to the cokl remains of a fillet of veal and a
knuckle of ham.
Now, for somewhat more than two-and-twenty years, without a day's
intermission. Uncle John had reclined on three well-cushioned chairs,
18 LIFE AND ADYENTURBS OF
with a pipe in his mouth and a glass of remarkably stiff brandy and
water by his side, from the time that the cloth was removed at two
o'clook until five. From this position he never by any chance moved
until old Hannah brought up the tea-tray, and it was in this position
that Mrs. Vox found him.
" Well, Pen!" said Uncle John, as the poor lady entered, " come to
see me eh? There's a good girl."
Mrs. Vox approached the chair on which his head was reclining, and
as she kissed his shining brow a tear dropped upon his nose.
" What's that!" cried Uncle John" What's the matter, my girl ?
what has happened ? Come, come, sit you down and let's know all
about it."
" Oh, Uncle!" said Mrs. Vox, " do, pray, see my Val."
" Why, what's the young dog been up to now ?" cried Uncle
John.
" Once for all," said Mrs. Vox, having taken a deep inspiration, " I
believe that he's mad."
" Pooh, pooh, pooh nonsense, child!" cried Uncle John, ** Mad!
Fiddledeedee, pooh, pooh, pooh what has he been after ?"
" I have told you before," said the afflicted lady, " what singular
noises I have heard about the house when he is in it."
" I know, I know," interrupted Uncle John, " imagination, child,
mere imagination pooh, pooh, pooh don't be superstitious."
" But to-day," continued Mrs. Vox, sobbing "to-day, uncle, when
be came home, not only did I hear dreadful noises all over the house,
but he made up such horrible faces that he frightened me out of my
senses ; and all that I could get from him was, that he had done it
that he'd been to the meeting and had upset them all !"
** The meeting! What right has he to interfere with politics?" cried
Uncle John, ringing the bell with unusual violence. " Surely there's
plenty of politicians in the town without hira ! Upset 'em ! Here,
Hannah," he continued as the old servant entered " go, and tell that
boy Valentine to come to me instantly. Bring him with you: don't
come without him. Upset 'em indeed ! What right has a boy like
that ^he's not twenty yet "
" No," interrupted Mrs. Vox, " he was only nineteen the 14th of last
February ."
" What right has a lad like him to go to meetings? / never go to
such places ; that boy '11 be ruined."
" But it isn't only that," said Mrs. Vox, " I shouldn't care, but I'm
sure that he's touched : I'm quite certain tlie poor boy's possessed."
" Pooh, rubbish, child, rubbish !" observed Uncle John, " the boy's a
splendid boy, a fine high-spirited boy. I'd not break his spirit for the
world : but he mustn't be spoiled no, he mustn't be spoUed. If the
devil he in him, why the devil shall come out of him : I'll not have him
there; but we'll see, child we'll see."
Uncle John then proceeded to refill his pipe, and having directed
Mrs. Vox to mix a leetle more brandy and water, looked earnestly at the
fire, and prepared for the attack.
/; /:..:,/. /,:/,// .u/.,/
TALKNTINB VOX. 19
*^ Well! young gentlemaa !" said he, knitting his brows and locking
desperate.
Mrs. Vox turned quickly towards the door, and found that Uncle
John was only rehearsing. Yalentme, however, immediately alter
entered, and Uncle John commenced :
^' Well! young gentleman! Now, sir, what thet all this mean?"
** All what, uncle?" quietly asked Valentine.
" All what, sir!" exclaimed Uncle John" Why all this this
conduct^ sir I that's what I mean."
*' What conduct V said Yal, with perfect calmness.
" What conduct, mr!" cried Uncle John " why, your conduct.
Are you mad ?"
'* I hope not," said Valentino. " I am not aware that I am."
^ Don't tell me^ sir, that you are not aware of it 1" shouted the old
gentleman. " Here's your poor mother here fit to break her heart about
your horrible noises. I'll have you put into the lunatic asylum, sir!
You want a strait jacket ! ^but where have you been all day ? what
lukve you been after?*'
" I've been at the meeting," said Valentine.
^^ The meeting !" said Uncle John ^' prayt what btuiness had you at
the meeting?"
" Come, uncle, don't be angry," said Valentine, smiling. " 111 tell
you all about it : but you'll not be cross, virill you ?"
" Cross, sir!" exclaimed Uncle John. " I am not cross: I never am
cross."
Valentine then drew a chair near the fire, and commenced an expla-
nation of all that had occurred. At first he utterly astounded -Uncle
John, by the development of his power, and then proceeded with the
relation of its effects upon the meeting. In ten minutes Uncle John had
swallowed more smoke than he had done during the whole thirty years
he had been a smoker. Seven several times did the brandy and witter
go the wrong way ; and as he had a perfect knowledge of almost every
man present at the hall, his imagination entered with so much spirit
into the scene, and he laughed at the description of their movements so
immoderatelys that at length he could neither drink, smoke, nor sit,
but paced the room holding his back and chest together at intervals
ejaculating, ^^stop! stop! stop!" The more, however. Uncle John
laughed, the more spirit did Valentine infuse into his tale, and at length
in an absolute convulsion of mirth, the delighted old gentleman threw
himself upon the sofa, and rolled to and fro like a butt m a groove.
'* You young dog !" cried Uncle John, when he had recovered suffi-
cient steadiness of breath to speak : '' Don't you know, sir, it was
wrong, very wrong thus to .'* Here he was seized with another fit
of laughter, so loud and so painful, that for relief he moved his body
first backwards and forwards, and then from side to side, while he lite-
rally mopped the perspiration from his face, which was as red as that
of the sun, when, through a dark hazy atmosphere, he is seen to
approach the horizon.
Nor did Mrs. Vox fail to fnjoy the relation of the scene, for burying
20 LIFE AJND ADVENTURB8 OF
lier face in her handkerchief, she was equally convnlsedy although not
quite so loud in the manifestation of her mirth.
" Hold your tongue, you young rascal !" was the command of Uncle
John, whenever Valentine re-opened his lips to relate any incident that
had previously escaped him. Valentine, however, was not to be
silenced. So long as he found the old gentleman enjoyed it, so long
did he keep up the fire, until at last Uncle John declaring solemnly that
he could stand it no longer, commanded him to leave the room^ which
he did with the view of alarming old Hannah in the kitchen.
No sooner had Val made his exit from the parlour, than it occurred
to Mrs. Vox, that if the thing became known to the authorities, the
result might be anything but pleasing, and as Uncle John fell at once
into her views, he began to think of the best mode of avoiding the
discovery. At first he thought it sufficient to enjoin silence upon
Valentine, but subsequently nmcyinff that the ''young dogf would
deem the joke infinitely too good to oe concealed, he thought that as
he intended soon to send him to Mr. Gbodman, an old friend of his
who resided in London, the safest plan would be to start him off at
once.
'' But what am /to do r enquired Mrs. Vox anxiously.
'' Why^ come and live with me ;" said Uncle John. '' Now make
no objections. He'll be well taken care of by Goodman, I know, or of
course I wouldn't send him."
It was accordingly decided that he should start on the Wednesday
morning, and when all the preliminaries had been arranged. Uncle John
called Valentine just as he was charging old Hannah with having con-
cealed a child, whose half stifled cries and convulsive sobs, in one of the
laree dresser-drawers, he had been imitating to perfection. Of course,
on Doing called, Val left the surprised and indignant old mud in the
kitchen, to prosecute her search; and after having had a few words with
Great-Uncle John, on the subject of his journey, with the idea of
which he was delighted, the little family separated for the night.
The whole of the morning of the following day, being Tuesday, was
occupied by Valentine and Mrs. Vox in packing up, while Uncle John
was engaged for several hours in the composition of a letter to Mr.
Goodman ; a document written with infinite care, and in a style of
course peculiarly his own ; and in the evening Valentine and his mother
a^n visited the old gentleman, who employed himself till bed-time in
giving Val instniotions, having reference to his conduct in London.
VALENTIKB VOX. 81
CHAPTER V.
EXPLAI1V8 HOW VALBNTIirK STARTED FOB LONDON; HOW KNTBBTAIN-
IN6 TRAYELLINO COMPANIONS CAN BE; HOW A TALIANT BLACK-
SMITH CAN BE A DEAD SHOT; HOW FIRM MAY BE THE FAITH OF
A COACHMAN IN WITCHCRAFT ; AND HOW IT IS POSSIBLE FOR A
JOURNEY TO BE PROTRACTED.
There are probably no feelings at all comparable with those which are
experienced by a sangoine country youth, on the eye of his first depar-
ture for London. His mind is all excitement. The single idea of
viaiiinff a place of which he has heard so much, and knows so little^
engenckis thousands. Asleep or awake his whole soul is set upon the
journey, and were it necessary for him to rise at four in the morning,
though he fi&iled to go to sleep before two, he woidd be just as certam
to wake in tame to hoeur the clock, strike four, as if the ^ warning* wire
communicaied with a galvanic battery sufficiently powerful to force him
out of bed.
Valentine, after dreaming all night of the great city and its glories,
rose some hours before his usual time, but not before Mrs. Vox, who
had not slept at all, bad re-ransacked every drawer and every box in the
house, with the view of ascertaining if anything had been forgotten.
About an hour and a half before the time for starting arrived,
in rushed Uncle John with a view of expressing his firm conviction,
that if Valentine didn't look sharp the coach would certainly go with-
out him, and of explaining moreover, that the coachman, wnom he
knew, was like the eternal tide, seising that he would wait for no man.
Breakfast was therefore immediately prepared, but during the preparation
Uncle John compared watches, and having made them agree, compared
them with the house-dock, and then sent the servant, and then went
himself to ascertain if the house-clock agreed with the church. AU
this being eventually arranged to his entire satisfiiction, down they sat
to breakfistft, with the watches of course upon the table. Valentine
had no appetite. An egg however at length was seduced down his
throat by the preliminary introduction of a piece of broiled ham, but
even this was unconsciously swallowed, while with the coffee in his
hand he was pacing the room. He could not keep in his chair ; nor
could Mrs. Vox keep in hen, nor could Unde John keep in his. They
were all three in motion, but of course doing nothing, there being
in reality nothing to do. A dozen times the gin was dii^tched to see
if the horses were in, and after mudi feverish exdtement it wot at last
announced that two females were standing by the side of three boxes
in the gateway! That was suffident. Off went the luggage in a whed-
barrow, on went Val's two upper coats, round went a large lambs-
wool comforter, and down went a ^ass of raw brandy, and all in the
space of thirty seconds. Mrs. Vox had been prohibited from seeing
Valentine off; they therefore at once bade each other adieu, while
22 LIFE AND ADVBNTUBES OF
Uncle John, standing at the door, was expressing his opinion that the
coach would he gone ; but no sooner had he suc^eded in dragging Yal
away, than in spite of the prohibition, Mrs. Yox hurried on her bonnet
and shawl, and started round the comer of the street, which she knew
the coach would pass, for the purpose of catching a last glance of Val-
entine, and wavinff her hand.
''Now then, look alive there !" shouted the coachman from the book-
ing-office door, as Uncle John and his charge approached. '^ Have yow
got that are mare's shoe made comforble, Simon 7"
*' All right Sir," said Simon, and he went round to see if it were so,
while the mggage was being secured.
'^ Jimp up genelman !" cried the coachman, as he waddled from the
office with his whip in one hand and his way-bill in the other ; and the
passengers accordingly proceeded to arrange themselves on the various
parts of the coach Valentine, by the paxticular desire of Uncle John,
having deposited himself immediately behind the seat of the ooach-
man.
'' If you please," said the old lady, who had been standing with her
daughter in the gateway for upwards of an hour; " will you be good
enow please to tid^e care of my darter ?"
''All safe," said the coachman, untwisting the reins. '' She shaunt
take no harm. Is she goin all the way ?"
" Yes, Sir," replied the old lady ; " God bless her ! she's got a place
in Lunnun an I'm told."
''Hook on them ere two sack o'whoats there behind," cried the
coachman, " I mamt go without 'em this time."
"God bless you, my dear! God bless you!" exclaimed the old
lady, and the tears gushed from her eyes as she kissed her poor girl,
whose heavy sobs choaked her utterance. " Heaven will protect you :
I know it will, my child. You'll think of your poor old mother?
There, cheer up my dear it's all for the best ; I shall be very happy.
You are all the world to me; but indeed I shall be very happy/' and
the tears burst forth in fresh streams, while she tried to reanimate the
spirits of her child by affiscting to smile.
"Now, all right there?" cned the coachman.
" Good bye, my dear," sobbed the old lady, almost heartbroken, kiss-
ing her child again as she stepped upon the ladder. " God bless you !
do write to me soon, be sure you do I only want to hear from you
often. Take care of yourself. Here my love," she added, taking a
handkerchief from her neck, "tie this round your poor dear throat."
" No mother, no," said the poor girl crying bitterly, " that's the only
one you have left. I'll be plenty warm enough."
" Yes do," said the old lady " I'm sure youll take cold."
" Hold hard !" cried the coachman as the horses were dancing, on the
cloths being drawn from their loins. " Whit, whit !" and away they
pranced, as merrily as if they had known that their load was nothing
when compared with the load they had left behind them. Even old
Uncle John, as he cried " Good bye, my dear boy," and waved his hand,
for the last time, felt the tears tnckling fast down his cheeks.
VAIENTINE VOX. 23
*^ No, no room niarm !" said the coachman, shaking his head as he
approached the comer of the street at which Mrs. Vox was standing.
Valentine's attention was thus directed to his mother, who was kiss-
ing her hand with considerable rapidity, when the salute was returned,
aim the coach passed on.
The fullness of Valentine's heart caused him for the first hour to be
silent; but after that, the constant change of scene, and the pure
bracing air had the effect of restoring his spirits, and he felt a very
powerj^il inclination to sing. Just, however, as he was about to com-
mence for his own amusement the coach stopped to change horses, when
Tooler, the coachman, of course got down, and as several of the passen-
gers followed his example, Valentine got down too, and as they all
went into the road-side house, and called for glasses of ale, why Valen-
tine called for a glass like the rest, and drank it with equal enjo3anent.
In less than two minutes they started again, and Valentine, who then
felt ready for anything, began to think seriously of the exercise of his
power.
*' Whit, whit !" said Tooler, between a whisper and a whistle, as the
fireah horses galloped up the hill.
**Stop! hoa!" cried Valentine, assuming a voice, the sound of which
appeared to have travelled some distance.
" You have left one behind," observed a gentleman in black, who
had secured the box-seat.
*' O let un run a bit," said Tooler. ** Whit ! It'll give un a winder up
this little hill, and teach un to be up in time in future. If we was to
v?ait for every passenger as chooses to lag behind, we shouldn't git over
the ground in a fortnit."
*^Uoa! stop! stop! stop;" reiterated Valentine in the voice of a
man pretty well out of breath.
Tooler, without deigning to look behind, retickled the haunches of his
leaders, and gleefully chuckled at the idea of how he was making a
passenger sweat.
The voice was heard no more, and Tooler on reaching the top of the
hill pulled up and looked round, but could see no man running.
** Where is he ?" enquired Tooler.
** In the ditch !" replied Valentine, throwing his voice behind.
** In the ditch !" exclaimed Tooler. " Blarm me, whereabouts ?"
"Thero;" said Valentine.
^' God bless my soul 1" cried the gentleman in black, who was an
exceedingly nervous village clergyman. ^' The poor person no doubt
has fidlen down in an absolute state of exhaustion. How very, very
wrong of you, coachman, not to stop."
Tooler, apprehensive of some serious occurrence, got down with the
view of dragging the exhausted passenger out of the ditch, but although
be rsn sevenu hundred yards down the hill, no such person of course
ooald be found.
^ Who saw nn ?" shouted Tooler as he panted up the hill again.
*^ I saw nothing," said a passenger behind, '' but a boy jumpmg over
the hedge."
24 LIFE AND iJDTBNTITRES OF
Tooler looked at his way-bill, counted the paasengen, found them all
right, and remounting the box, got the horses again into a gallop, in
the perfect conTiction that some villanous young scarecrow had raised
the false alarm.
^* Whit ! blarm them 'ere boys !" said Tooler, ^^ stead o' mindin their
crows they are alius up to suffen. I only wish I had un here, I'd pay an
to their blarmed bodies; if I wouldn't ." At this interesting
moment, and as if to give a practical illustration of what he would
have done in that case, he gave the off-wheeler so telling a cut round
the loins, that the animal without any ceremony kicked over the trace.
Of course Tooler was compelled to pull up again immediately ; and
after having adjusted the trace, and asking the animal seriously what he
meant, at the same time enforcing the question by giving him a blow
on the bony part of his nose, he prepared to remount ; but just as he
had got his left foot upon the nave of the wheel, Valentine so admirably
imitated the sharp snapping growl of a dog in the front boot, that
Tooler started back as quickly as if he had b^en shot, while the gentle-
man in black dropped the reins and almost jumped into the road.
*^Good gracious !*' exclaimed the gentleman in bhick, trembling with
great energy ; '^ how wrong, how very horribly wrong of you, coach-
man, not to tell me that a dog had been placed beneath my feet."
^' Blarm their carcases!" cried Tooler, ^' they never told me a dog
was shoved there. Lay dofcn ! We'll soon have yow out there to-
gether!**
'^Not for the worid!*' cried the gentleman in black, as Tooler ap-
proached the foot- board in order to open it. *' Not for the worid ! un-
un-un-less you le-le-let me get down first. I have no desire to pe-pe-
perish of hydropho-phobia.**
^* Kip yar fut on the board then sir, please," said Tooler, "well soon
have the varmint out o' that." So saying he gathered up the reins,
remounted the box, and started off the horses again at full gallop.
The gentleman in black then began to explain to Tooler how utterly
inconceivable was the number of persons who had died of hydrophobia
within an almost unspeakably short space of time, in the immediate
vicinity of the residence of a friend of his in London, and just as he
had got into the marrow of a most execruciating description of the in-
tense mental and physical agony of which the disease in its worst stage
was productive, both he and Tooler suddenly sprang back, with their
feet in the air, and their heads between the knees of the passengers be-
hind them, on Yalentine giving a loud growling snap, more bitingly
indicative of anger than before.
As Tooler had tightly hold of the reins when he made this involun-
tary spring, the horses stopped on the instant, and allowed him time to
scramble up again without rendering the slow process dangerous.
" I cannot, I-I-I positivdy cannot," said the gentleman in Mack,
who had been thrown again into a dreadful state of excitement. *^ I
cannot sit here my nerves cannot endure it ; its perfectly shocking."
"Blister their bowls!" exclaimed Tooler, whose firat impulse was
to drag the dog out of the boot at all hazArds, but who on seeing the
VALENTINE VOX. 2
K
hioaea waiting in the road a short distance a-head for the next stage,
thought it better to wait till he had reached them. ^' I*H make un
remember this the longest day o' thar blessed lives blarm un ! Pliih I
I'll let un know when I get back, I warrant. Ill lam un to ."^
^^Hoa, coachman! hoa! my hat's off!" cried Valentine, throwing
his voice to the back of the coach.
*' Well may I be pbit !" said Tooler. " I'll make yow run back fort
any bow ^phit !''
In less than a minute the coach drew up opposite the stable, when
the gentleman in black at once proceeded to alight. Just, however, as
his foot reached the plate of the roller bolt, another growl from Valen-
tine frightened him backwards, when Calling upon one of the old horse-
keepers, he knocked him fairly down, and rolled over him heavily.
^^ Darng your cloomsy carkus !" cried the horse-keeper, gathering
himself up, ^' carn't you git oof ar cooarch aroat knocking o' pipple
damr
^' I-I-I beg pardon," trembling, observed the gentleman in black ; ^^ I
hope I-I ."
^^ Whoap 1 pardon !" contemptuously echoed the horsekeeper as he
limped towards the bars to unhook the leaders' traces.
'* Now then yow warmint let's see who yow belong to," said Tooler,
approaching the mouth of the boot ; but just as ho was in the act of
raising the foot board, anotlier angry snap made him close it again with
the utmost rapidity.
^' Lay down ! blarm your body !" cried Tooler, shrinking back. ^' Here
yow Jim, kim here boi and take this era devil of a dog out o* that."
Jim approached, and the growling was louder than oefore, while the
gentleman in black implored Jim to take care that the animal didn't
get hold of his hand.
^ Here yow Harry !" shouted Jim, ^' 3rare noot afeared o' doogs to-
gether darng un / doont like un."
Accordingly Harry came, and then Sam, and then Bob, and then Bill,
but as the dog could not be seen, and as the snarling continued, neither
of them dared to put his hand in to drag the monster forth. Bob
therefore ran off for Tom Titus the blacksmith who^was known to care
for neither dog nor devil, and in less than two minutes Tom Titus
arrived with about three feet and a half of rod iron red hot.
^' Darng un 1" cried Tom, ^Hhis ere '11 maake un quit together I"
^^ Dear me ! my good man," said the gentleman in black, ^^ don't use
that unchristianlike implement! don't put the dumb thing to such
horrible torture!"
"It don't siggerfy a button," cried Tooler, " I mamt go to stop here
all day. Out o' that he must come."
Upon this Tom Titus introduced his professional weapon, and com-
menced poking about with considerable energy, while the snapping and
growling increased with each poke.
" I'll tell you what it is," said Tom Titus, turning round and wiping
the sweat off his brow with his naked arm, " this here eretur here's
stark raavin mad."
B
2G LIFE AND ADYENTURES OF
*' I knew that he waa," cried the gentleman in black, getting into an
empty waggon which stood without horses just out of the road ; ^* I
felt perfecUy sure that he was rabid."
'* He*s a bull-terrier too/' said Tom Titus, ^^I knows it by's growl.
It's the worsest an daigdest to goo maad as is."
*' Well what shall us do wi' w warment V said Tooler.
^^ Shoot him ! shoot him !" cried the gentleman in black.
" O I've goot a blunderbuss. Bob!" said Tom Titus, "yow run fort
together, it's top o' the foige."
Bob started at once, and Tom kept on the bar while Tooler, Sam,
Harry, and Bob held the heads of the horses.
"He's got nn; all right!" cried Tom Ijtus, as Bob neaied the
coach with the weapon on his shoulder. " Yowll be doon for in noo
time," he added as he felt with his rod to ascertain in which comer of
the boot the bull-terrier lay.
"Is she loarded?" asked Bob, as he handed Tom Titus the instru-
ment of death.
" Mind you make the shot come out at bottom," shouted Tooler.
"I hool," said Tom Titus, putting the weapon to his shoidder.
" Noo the loord ha' marcy on yar sool, as joodge says sizes," and in-
stantly let fly.
The horses of course plunged considerably, but still did no mischief;
and before the smoke had evaporated, Valentine introduced into the
boot a low melancholy howl, which convinced Tom Titus that the shot
had taken effect.
*' He's giv oop the ghost ; damg his carkus I" cried Tom, as he poked
the dead body into the comer.
" Well, let's have a look at un," said Tooler, " let's see what the
warment is like."
The gentleman in black at once leaped out of the waggon, and every
one present drew near, when Tom, guided by the rod which he had
kept upon the body, put his hand into the boot and drew forth a fine
haie that had been shattered by the shot all to pieces.
" He arat a bull-tarrier," cried Bob.
" But that amt he,'* said Tom Titus. " He's some'er aboot here as
dead as a darag'd nail: I know he's a corpse."
" Are yow sure on't?" asked Tooler.
" There amt any baim dooor deader," cried Tom. " Here, 1*11 lug
um out an show yar."
" No, no !" shouted Tooler, as Tom proceeded to pull out the luggage.
" I mamt stay for that: I'm an hoiur behind now, blarm un! ^imp
up, genelmen!'
Tom Titus and his companions, who wanted the bull terrier as a
trophy, entreated Tooler to allow them to have it, and having at length
gamed his consent, Tom proceeded to empty the boot. Every eye was,
of eourse, directed to every thing drawn out, and when Tom made a
solemn dieclaiBtion that the boot was empty, they were all, at once,
struck vdth amaxement. Each looked at the other with astounding
incredulity, and overiiauled the luggage again and again.
VALENTINK VOX. 27
" Do you mean to say/' said Tooler, ^' that there arnt nuffin else in
the boot?"
^^ Darnged a thing !" cried Tom Titus, '^ cooni an look." And
Tooler did look, and the gentleman in black looked, and Bob looKed,
and Harry looked, and Bill looked, and Sam looked, and all looked, but
found the boot empty.
Well, blarm me !" cried Tooler ^^ But damg it aU, he must be
some-wheie 1"
^^ 1*11 taake my solum davy," said BiU, ^^ that he tctu there."
'* I seed um myself," exclaimed Bob, '^ wi my oam oyea, an didn't
loike the looks on um a bit."
*' There cannot," said the gentleman in black, '^ be the smaUest pos-
sible doubt about his having been there ; but the question for our mature
consideration is, where is he now?"
" I'll bet a pint," said Harry, " you bio wed um away."
*'Blowed um away, you fool! how could I ha blowed um away?"
said Tom Titus in tones of contempt.
" Why he feu there," said Bob, '^ and he baint there noo, and he
baint here nayther, so you must ha blowed um out o't th' boot: 'sides
look at the muzzle o' this ere blunderbust !"
^^Well, of all the rummest goes as ever happened," said Tooler,
thrusting his hands to the very bottom of his pockets ^^ this ere flogs
em all into nuffin!"
*^ It is perfectly astounding!" exclaimed the gentleman in black,
looking again into the boot while the men stood and stared at each other
with their mouths as wide open as human mouths could be.
" Well in wi em agin," cried Tooler, " In wi em! Blarm me if this
here amt a queer 'un to get over.''
The luggage was accordingly replaced, and Tooler, on mounting the
box, told the men to get a gallon of beer, when the gentleman in black
generously gave them half-a-crown, and the horses started off, leaving
Tom with his blunderbuss, Harry, Bill, Sam, and their companions,
bewildered with the mystery which the whole day spent in the ale-
house by no means enabled them to solve.
Valentine chuckled so desperately over the success of this scheme, that
he dared not, for fear of being suspected, commence another for some
considerable time. The absurd surmises of the puzzled Tooler, and the
inferences of the gentleman in black, which were scarcely less ridiculous,
kept him in a perpetual fever while they met the '* down coach."
^ You leave us here of course V observed the gentleman in black.
" Noo," sud Tooler, *' worse look, I'm agoin right through. I've
made a Vangement wi Waddle, 'tother coachman. He wants to goo
dam and I wants to goo up. It taint often I do goo to tarn, but
whens'ever I do, suffin's sure to be the matter. I've goot a 'pointment
at seven to goo wi moi gab to the play an noo you see, blarm it ^pliit !
pliit! I'm a cupple o hours behind."
'^ Hallo, my cherry bounce!" shouted Waddle, as he and Tooler
pulled up. ^*' What's the natur o'the game note? Here a matter
o' sixteen mile out!" Tooler shook his head thoughtfully. '^ A spill
28 LIFE AND ADTBMTURES OF
my old Wgitable ? ^Anything broke ?" Hxiiiinaed Waddle ^' Any
haccident V
^' AbatU the rummest go," replied Tooler, ^ as yow ever had any
notion on yet. But I mamt stop noo. I'll tell yow ool aboot it
to-morrow phiti phit!"
^^ Well, ta ta, my turnip !" observed Mr. Waddle, and away the
Goaolies rattled in opposite directions, Tooler lashing his leaders with
unparalleled seyerity.
Valentine^ having regained full command over his muscles, and per-
ceiving that Tooler's nerves were so perfectly unstrung, that the diglitest
thing would seriously annoy him, now began to indulge in his favourite
imitations of a fretful child, upon the exactness of which he prided him-
self especially. He sobbed, and squalled, and coughed, and hooped, and
strained, and held his breath, and then struggling convulsively vnth his
voice again, with all the vehemence of which he was capable, while
Tooler was whipping, and shuffling, and fretting himself into a fever of
excitement.
*'*' Blarm that ere child!'' exclaimed Tooler, looking ronnd, '^ If yow'd
keep that ere little un o' yourn quiet, mami, I'd thank yar." Valentine,
however, still continued to persevere in his interesting imitations until
Tooler, having worked himself up to such a pitch of excitement, that
he could scarcely hold the reins, shouted angrily, ^' Marm ! yow must
keep that ere child o' youm a leetle matter still. My horses camt stand
it: they carot get along. Phit! Damg me, if it beant enow to drive
a man mad!"
'^ I dare say it's after it's teeth, poor thing !** observed the gentleman
in black.
'^ It's teeath I" cried Tooler, ^* It ony wants the breast. Jirt listen
to it! Blarm my body "
^' I cant keep it quiet!" cried Valentine, assuming the voice of a
female. ^^ It ant o' no use : I must throw it away," and he immediately
uttered a piercing shriek, and exclaimed, '' Tlie child, the child I ^ the
chUd'soff!"
Tooler, of course, stopped on the instant, and having given the reins
to the gentleman in black, got down with the view of rescuing the
infant from its perilous position, and of pointing out to its mother in
terms of just indignation the extreme inhumanity of her conduct.
^^ Where is it, yow haggageT cried Tooler, looking anxiously along
the road.
*' Ha yow drapped onythin cooarchman?" enquired a countryman,
sitting beliind.
" Drapped anythin !" angrily echoed Tooler. " Wheip, wher is the
child?"
^^ Woot choild?" enquired the countryman.
** Why that wum man's child as she jist throw'd away!" shouted
Tooler.
We amt had noo choild here," said the countryman a fact to
which all who sat behind bore instant testimony.
What!" exclaimed Tooler, "do yow mean to say ? do yow mean to
. /^.,./. y-. .:,,,,',..,,.,.,., . '/.,:,
k
\
TALENTINE VOX. 29
tell me you beant had a child there that's been cryin' the last hour, an*
pattin' my horses into this ere damg'd sweat V*
^^ I tell yow," replied the countryman, '' we amt had no choild ; we
aint seen nuffin like a choild hero."
'^ Well, may I he damgd !" exclaimed Tooler, scratching his head
very violently and swinging his right arm with great force tnrough the
air. '' This beats all as I ever did hear on afore. It doant siggerfy
tawking," added he, on remounting the box ; ^^ the devil's aither an in-
side or an outside passenger. I've got *un, to-day, sure enow." And
Tooler drew out his way-bill with the view of ascertaining which was
likely to be his Satanic Majesty incog.^ while the gentleman in black,
the three passengers who sat on the same seat with Valentine, and
Valentine himself were expressing to each other their utter astonish-
ment at the extraordinary character of the occurrence, with great elo-
quence and warmth.
^^ That's it ! I have it !** said Tooler to himself as a countrywoman
passed with a basket on her arm. '^ She said so she said she would.
Blann her old body f
It was easy to perceive that at that moment something had flitted
across Tooler *s mind, which had proved to him a source of fresh annoy-
ance^ for he appeared to be in a state of extreme agitation, and con-
tinued to be so, muttering short and bitter sentences, scratching his
head, striking the crown of his hat, and violently grinding his teeth,
until he arrived at the end of the stage, when he ran into the stable
with breathless haste, and returned before a second idea of his object
could be concaved, with a box of toob in one hand and a horse-shoe in
the other.
'' Hold hard a bit, BiU," said he, kneeling upon the pole and nailing
the horse-shoe to the foot-board. " There ! now do your worst X
Blarm yar carkus ! I defy yar !" While the horses were being put in,
Tooler shook his head most triumphantly and smiled at the horse-shoe
with intense satisfaction.
" What, in the name of goodness," said the gentleman in black, when
Tooler had re-mounted, " have you nailed to the foot-board ?"
" Hold hard ! Phih ! a horse-shoe ! *' cried Tooler ; " The cooarch is
bewitched, sir ! least ways it teas ; but I've cured it now thai 9 a
settler ! '*
'^ Awful !" exclaimed the gentleman in black with due solemnity.
^' How can you, coachman, entertain so impious a thought ?"
*^ I know it !" said Tooler, '^ that wumman as we passed with a
basket then brought it to my mind. She's, for all the world, like her."
^' Like whom r inquired the gentleman in black.
" Why, like the witch !" replied Tooler. I'll tell yow ool aboot it.
T'other day, when I wor comin' aloong the rooard, I seed this ere
warmint a settin on the path, with a basket by her side. Young
Harry, the nevy of our proprietor, was on the box wi' me, and so says
he, Tooler, say he. 111 bet yow a crown bowl o' punch, yow doant
hook that ere basket up here. Done, says I. It's a bet, says he, done.
So I makes my whip ready, and jist as we come along side o' the
30 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP VALENTINE VOX.
wannint, I winds it round tbe handle of the basket, and, sartin enough,
up it comes, when Hany catches it jist by the middle o' the handle,
and I s*pose it mought ha' had in it a cupple o* score of eggs.wi' the
yolks of which, in course, we was smothered. Well, I puUs up at
once, lor I eouldu t see my horses until I'd wiped some on it off; and
while Harry and me was laughing at aich other, fit to split, up comes
tbe old warment, and, praps, she did nt go it a ffood un ! Well, as
soon as I could get through the mess, to my pocket, I dropped her
half-a-crown, and Harry dropped her another ; but even this didn't
satisfy the nasty old frump ; she wanted them ere eggs, pitickler, it
seemed, and no others would do; and she swore tliat 1 should rue the
day I broke em. So says Harry ; Do yow know who she is ? Noo^
says I, I camt say as I do. Why, says he, that's the famous old
witch ! The devil it is, says I, and so it was ; and this is the way
she's been a sarvin' me out. But I've fixed her wi' the horse-shoei
there, damg her old carkus, she camt do no more mischief now."
'^ Are you sure of tbat ? Beware ! " said Valentine, in an awfully
hollow whisper, sufficiently loud only to reach Tooler's ear.
Tooler trembled for an instant ; but, his faith in the virtue of the
horse-sboe being fixed, he soon regained his self-possession, and, giving,
his head a knowing devil-mav-care twist, sat firmly in his seat, fully
determined to take no heed of any thing that might threaten.
^' Hoa! coarchman!" exclaimed one of the passengers at this moment;
" only look at this wheel !"
Tooler sat like a statue. He did not deign to move a muscle.
" Coarchman I coarchman ! " shouted the countryman who was sit-
ting behind ; '^ lookee how tliis off- wheel 's a waddling !"
" Blarm un !" cried Tooler, " let un waddle ! Phit ! Phit !" and
away went the horses down the hill ; but in an instant Tooler saw the
wheel whizzing a-head, at the rate of full thirty miles an hour.
^' Lean all to the left !" shouted Tooler, and the passengers obeyed
him, but he also pulled the horses to the left so violently that tbe
coach, coming in contact with the jutting bank, turned over and de-
posited him and the passengers upon a newly formed bed of manure.
Witchcraft was, in Tooler'^ view, again triumphant. His faith in
the efficacy of horse-shoes vanished. He felt himself perfectly beaten,
and, therefore, after having, with considerable difficulty, managed to
get his insides out, he left his horses, coach, and luggage in the care of
the persons who had fortunately witnessed the accident, and waddled
with the fragments of the whip in his hand towards a road-side inn a
few hundred yards distant. On reaching the house, of course, a
thousand questions were asked in a breath : not one of them, however,
did Tooler deign to answer. He threw himself carelessly into a large
arm-chair, and^ declaring that he would not drive that day another
step, drank with infinite gusto, in a rummer of raw brandy, " Eternal
perdition to the witch 1"
83
CHAPTER VI.
raCDtlAB UBBRALITT OF THE OENTLBMAN IK BLACK. THB OBBRN-
BTBD M0N8TEB PRBTEllTfl THS PBBFOBMANCB OP A MOffT DIMN-
TEBB8TBD ACT OP PBIEND6HIP.
Upon a man uniifled to profound thinking, profound thought has a
peculiarly somniferous effect. No sooner does he get below the surface
than he Ms &Bt asleep, and although he dreams of his subject with
unspeakable zeal, draws conclusions from his premises, solves^ collateral
problems, establishes positions, and carries his designs into i m a gi n ar y
execution, his mind, when he awakes, leaps back over the interesting
interregnum, and begins to toil again 9i the point from which it started.
Such had been the workings of Tooler's Tivid imapnation, and such
was precisely his position when awakened by the arrival of the paesen-
ters at the Inn. Having proposed with great feeling, and drank with
due sincerity, ^^ Eternal pei^ition to the Witch," ho fell at once into a
train of deep thought which, as a natural consequence, induced deep
sleep, in which he saw and held a visionary conversation vnth the hag
whoee unhallowed influence he was just on the point of overthrowing
when the passengers entered the well-warmed parlour in which he was
snorinff aloud.
*^ We've got un to roights," said John Brown, the landlord, who
headed the group, ^^ we've got un up agin. Sir I" continued he in a much
loudm tone, shaking Tooler with what in any ordinary case might hare
been deemed most unnecessary violence.
Tooler unconsciously nodded an acknowledgment, and began to snore
again just as loudly as before.
'* Uome coachman, come, eame my good man," said the gentleman in
black ; but he could make no impression upon Tooler at all. At length,
however, by virtue of bawling, tickling, and shaking, John Brown
saooeeded in causing him to open his eyes, which he at once commenced
rubbing with great desperation.
" Now, Sir r said John Brovni, " it's aU roight f
w O ah !" observed Tooler.
*^ We've got on the wheel, and all's xcady," continued John Brown.
**Ah yes jis so- well," remarked Tooler at intervals, ^' anythin'
brook?"
** Nothm; couldn't ha' spilt on a softerer place."
^ Wdl, that's a blessing anyhow !" said Tooler. ^^ Is the cooarch
locked up safe T
^ Locked oop !" cried John Brown, '^ noo ! she's standin' at the door
here all ready to start."
** I shaunt stor another step this blessed night if I know it," said
Tooler, taking; his hat off and dashing it to the ground with the air of
one whose mind, having been once made up, possessed the quality of
being immutable.
u
84 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
^* What !" oxclaimed the gentleman in black, ^^ but, no, no ; yon are
jesting."
In order to prove that nothing bearing even the semblance of a jest
was intended, Tooler proceeded to pull off his shawl and box-coat while
the passengers exchanged looks of utter amazement.
^' My good man," continued the gentleman in black, ^' you surely do
not mean to remain here ? come, eomey let us start."
^' Here I am, and here I sticks," said Tooler firmly ; and after shaking
his head, he unbuttoned his boot-straps ^a process which caused the
antique tops, which were as large as a pair of moderate-sized chimney
pots, to fall upon his insteps tans eeremofiie.
" I will not believe it," said the gentleman in black, *^ I cannot believe
that you are serious ; come, come, coachman, come !"
^' It doant siggerfy tawkin' a button," cried Tooler, '' we cam't get to
Tarn noo to-night. 'Sides, if I was to break the wind of all my horses,
I shouldn't be up afore twelve o'clock now, and what is the use o' that?"
YoVd be able to do it by ten," said John Brown.
And what's the use o' ten V enquired Tooler indignantly. *^ What's
the use o' ten, when I ought to ha' bin in at six V
^* I am a man of few words," said the gentleman in black, " a man of
Tery few words ; and I beg you to understand that what I say I fully
mean. I mutt be in London to-night, and therefore, if you are resolved
on remaining here, I will post up to town, and make you or your pro-
prietors bear the expense.'
Having tremblingly delivered himself thus, the gentleman in black
turned exceedingly white, and as he prepared to leave the room with
the view of making certain necessary inquiriea, Valentine, assuming his
voice, ordered seven large glasses of brandy and water, and rump-steaks
and onions for nine.
No sooner was this order given, than the whole of the domestic estab-
lishment of John Brown was in an uproar. Dan was sent out for the
steaks ; Mary was told to peel the onions ; Roger was directed to wipe
the bars of the gridiron, and Sally was ordered to make the fire clear
with salt, while the hostess herself mixed the brandy and water, and
scolded all about her with due bitterness and force.
While these preparations were making, the gentleman in black ascer-
tained, to his unspeakable mortification, tnat there was not a single posting
house within seven miles of the place. He, therefore, deemed it expe-
dient to alter his tone, and having decided upon certain persoasive
arguments, which he felt were too potent to fail, he returned to employ
them as the hostess entered the parlour with the brandy and water on
her best japanned tray.
** Now, coachman," said he, ^* my dear man, do consider the inoon-
venience of which this delay will be productive."
" It's o' no use," sud Tooler, " it's o' no sort o' use. I cam't move
from this ere blessed spot. It's unpossible. I amt no more power over
them are four horses tlian a babby. I eamU drive, and now yow've the
!ong and the short on't."
ftWBtax^JUJJ
.:,.,../. ,J, .,..., ^;,
VALENTINE VOX. 35
*^ O ! for that matter," cried Brown, " as I never am backard in comin
forard to sarve a friend, I'll drive for yar.'*
^^ You're a fool I*^ observed the hostess, in an audible whisper, at the
same time tagging with great violence at John Brown's coat-tails, and
giving him certain significant sidelong glances of great import, as afifect-
ing his conjugal peaoe. John Brown, however, stiU persevered in ex-
pressing the pleasure he should derive from the performance of this act
of disinterested friendship; for although he in general held the hints of his
spouse in high respect, and understood that in this particular instance
sbe was actuated by a desire to make the most of a party, one of whom
had been so liberal in his orders at the commencement, he regarded it as
being by no means improbable that Tooler would be in consequence
discharged, and that he would be put upon the coach aa his successor,
-which l^ppened to be precisely what for several years he had been con-
stantly on the look-out for.
'^ But do you think sariously," said Tooler, after a pause, ^ that
yow'd be able to get up by twelve I**
^^ By twelve /" cried Jobn Brown. '^ If I don't get in afure the clock
strikes tetij 111 be bound to be pisoned. Ony jist say the word, and
whiles the ladies and gentlemen is a havin their snack, I'll be makia'
myself a leetle matter tidy."
^* Come, my good man ; youll agree to it, will you not come V* said
the e^tleman in black, in a tone irresistibly persuasive.
" n dl, well," said Tooler, with evident reluctance, '^ have it as yow
like;" and he proceeded to button up his boot-tops again, while Mary
was carefully laying the cloth.
The grand point being length settled, John Brown left the room,
and the nostess, assisted by her handmaids in clean white aprons, placed
the rump-steaks and onions upon the table.
''*' Now if you please sir," said the hostess, bestowing one of her
blandest smiles upon the gentleman in black, as she gracefully T)laced a
cbair for him at the heM of the table. '^ Do'ee eat it while it's hot :
there's some more inguns doin."
^^ Not any for me, I thank you," said that gentleman with great
politeness. *^ I have not the smallest appetite, I'll take a glass of
sheiry and a biscuit."
^* Oh ! do'ee eat a leetle," ursed the Bhscmating hostess. ** It's done
very beautiful Look'ce 1" added the tempter, as she took off the cover,
and displayed a fine steak garnished with onions, the sight of which at
once drew the rest of the. passengers towards the table.
** Do have a bit with us sir, do !" cried the passengers in a chorus.
** We shaU not enjoy it half so much without you."
* Why not, my good people ?" enquired the pastor.
^^ 'Cause," replied the hostess, " you was kind enow to order it I"
*^ /, my good woman 1" exclaimed the astonished gentleman, peering
over his spectacles with a look of amasement. '^ I ordered, I V'
^' In course sir, you did," replied the hostess, as the pleasing expression
of her countenance vanished.
36 LIFE ASD ADVBNTUIIKS OF
^^Heacmt ! my good wwun," tejoined the pastor, ^ yon mnst Iiav
beeBdxQMnmg!"
^ I 'peal to the gentlemen and bdies present," said the heeteea,
^nvliether yon did n't oider sereo gUuses o' biandy-and-water, and
finop-^Bteaks and ingona for nine."
^^ Oh that's right enough," said one of the passengers, ^ tiiai iror the
order ersacUy, yon doair t mean to go for to say as how it mm% mr,
doyer?"
^' Upon my honour, my good people," returned the pastor ; '^ bdieve
niO) yon nsre nerer more mistaken in yonr lives."
" Not a hit on't," obeenred Tooler, ** I heerd yow myself."
*^ Ood bless my sool ! Impossible ! impossible !*' cned the pastor^ aa.
far strove with gieat etfergy of mind to asoertain what ssnteoee in the
English language, bore the slightest rssemblanee in point of sonnd to
^' seven glasses of brandy-and- water, and rump-steaks and onions for
mne.
**' Well, whether or no,*' observed the hostess, ^^ there's what was
oiderod, and I 'spects to be paid for it at all events."
*^ dome," said the farmer, who had occupied a seat at the back of the
madt^ ^^ let's todde it together, for I feel rayther peckish," and he and
Taleutine with two other passengns commenced; the restmodesdy
keepins' aloof from the table, lest payment should be demanded of them
respectively as a social matter of course.
*'* Yow may as weU just have a mouthful as not," said the fiumer,
^^ sin' yow do mean to pay all the same !"
^^ Esally," observed the gentleman in black, ^* I am unconscious of
having made such an arrangement."
^* Well, well,** said Yalentme, in his natural voice ; '' suppose we
compromise the matter, as there appears to be some slight misunder-
standing on tiie subject : you settle for the steaks, and 111 pay for the
farandy-and-water."
^Wdl, coom, that's handsome I" cried the farmer, ^ and to show that
I doon't wont to shirk from my share, why 111 be a couple o' bottles o'
vrine -coom, what say yow noo ?"
" I cannot, under the droumstanoe?, of course object to join yon,"
replied the pumled pastor ; ^^ but I must be permitted to say that those
circumstances are in my ju^k;ment perfectly inexplicable ; I never in any
case Uke to be poHtive ; I know that human nature is but human
nature, and therefore cannot pretend to claim entire exemption from
those weaknesses which form its distinguishing characteristics : I may
be mistaken : I confess that I may ; mi I nevertheless hold it to be
utterly impossible for any man to give such an order as that without
knowing it."
*' Oh ! 'pon my loife," said the former, " it's a posty ve foct."
^' Of course TU not presume to dispute it," returned tlie pastor, whose
scepticism on the point still developed itself strongly. **' All I can say
is, that I am totally oblivious of the circumstance ; but if I did give the
4der, I bow to your decision."
VALBMTIHS VOX. 37
No aooner had this anangemoit been oonipleted^ than Ite paasdngexB
who had before kept so modestly aloof, lost the whole of their mtevestoig
difUdsttceu They mads tfaonselves pofecdy at heme^ and diow at onoe
towaids the table, at the head of whidi of oooiae sat the geactleBiaii in
black, who appeared to have boirowed, for that particular ocoarioB, the
well trained appetite of an nntaned dephant* As all sodal distinctions
were, for the time being, levelled, Toolr was invited to join theai ; bat
although he tried with zeal to compete with the rest, his gastroDomio
powers entirily deserted him. He ate scarcely anything, albeit the
dish before him was one which on ordinary oocasicns be etpedaBj
fiivoured. He experienced, howevtf, no difficulty in drinkuig. Of
the wine and the brondy-and- water he partook freely, with the view of
diowniag the unhallowed influence of Uie witch ; but the mone deepfy
he dnudL, the more strongly did he feel, that thi^ influenoe was stiU in
the ascendant.
As soon as John Brown found the party had ordered all the spirits
sad wine th^ were likely to order, he entered the xoom to announce
the fact of his being ready, and to explain the expediency of an imrnndiate
start. The bill was consequently called for on the instant, when the
SBBodnt was divided as per agreement, and paid, and the passet^gers
pnparad for the comj^ion of their journey.
The noment, however, John entered the room, Valentine wss M^to
suspect that he had some unfriendly design upon Tooler. Ho tberBfore
'WBtdied him narrowly, and as his searching eye quickly discovered
sufficient to confirm his suspicion, he resolved on thwarting the object
of Mr. John Brown, by causing him to abandon his intention of
performing the act of disinterested friendship proposed.
Accordmgly Valentine at once left the room with the view of ascer-
tainiog what means were available ; and as he saw the hostess standing
with a butcher in the bar, whose conveisation touched the toughness of
a certain lee of mutton, he awaited in the passage the arrival of John
Brown. He had scarcely, however, decided the course to be pursued
wlien John made his appearance, whip in hand. Valentine saw that
no time was to be lost, and therefore, assuming the voice of the hostess,
whispered loud enough to reach John's ear: ^' k now, my love, go ;
and letum by-and-bye : you have nothing to fear ; John will not be
back to-night !"
*^ Indeed!" murmured John, starting back at the sound of an afbc-
tionate kiss with which Valentine conduded. " Indeed !" he repeated,
and bit his lips violently, and breathed with vehemence, as the
group in the back ground pressed him towards tlie dooi^ and thus
forced him to see the pride of his heart and home in conversation- with
one who happened to be the identical butcher upon whom he had long
looked with a peculiarly jealous eye.
ValeBtsDB now kUt tik&i he had struck the right chord, for the com-
plexion of John turned as pale as it could turn that is to say, it turned
tea palaPmssiaa blue, as the nearest approach to whiteness of which it
was ci^pable, while his huge teeth rattled like a pair of castanets, and
indeed his wholefrrame shook convulsively with passion pent up. Con-
38 LIFE AMD ADYEHTVBMB OF
tiaiy, however, to the expectation of Valentine, John, after tunung in
the direction of the bar, hia flashing eyes, which appeared to piesoe the
wooden partition with more &cility than could a pair of the brightest
gimlets, conjured up all his courage, and mounted the box. The start
was a &l8e one, for he dropped one of the reins and his whip at the same
time. This, however, was soon remedied ; but they had not proceeded
ur before the attention of Tooler was drawn to the excited state of John's
nerves.
" A'n't yow been havin' a drop o' suffin extra V inquired Tooler, as
they rolled from side to side.
^'Not a drain !" replied John; and the coach gave another lunge.
^* But the eu^ of the matter's this," continued he, looking round to ascer-
tain if they could be seen from his once happy home '' the finct is, I
feels so oncommon poorly, that I'm afeered I shan't be able to go much
furder arter all."
^' Wdl, give me the ribbons, then," said Tooler, who, feeling some-
what better, began to be ashamed of his inactive position* *^ I can
manage, I des say. Do yow go back I'm obleedged to yer^ you know,
all the same."
'^ Well, if you think you eon drive," observed John.
^^Why," interrupted Tooler, whose professional pride had been
touched by that remark, ^^ if I can't do it better than that, I can't do it
ataUr
This was enough for John Brown. He pulled up on the instant ; and
after apologising for his inability to perform his promise, alighted, with
the view of acquiring that knowledge which would most grieve his
heart, and of disturbing the development of the assumed illicit loves of
his amiable spouse and the cold-blooded butcher.
The moment, however, Tooler regained possession of the reins, the
dreaded influence of the witch regained possession of his soul ; but Va-
lentine, who had removed to the vacant seat on the box, did aU in his
power to cheer him, and, as he firmly resolved to annoy him no more,
he succeeded, after an infinite deal of persuasion, in inspiring him with
the belief of its being an immutable ordinance of Nature, that the power
of no witch should extend beyond the radius of forty miles.
CHAPTER VII.
nrmoDUCES orbat-uncle John's friend and his affectionate
RELATIVES, WITH A KNIGHT OF A NEW ORDER, TWO INVISIBLE
BURGLARS, AND ONE MOST REMARKABLE SWEEP.
Mb. Grimwood Goodman, Great-Uncle John's friend, to whom
Valentine had been consigned, was a gentleman possessed of some con-
siderable wealth, derived chiefly from a series of successful speculations
in sperm oil. He was remarkably thin so thin, indeed, that his heart
VALENTINE VOX. 39
beat against hk bare ribs with an energy which alone might hare caused
it to Be discovered that that organ is more insensible to feeling than to
sight. If^ however, the heart of Goodman was ^like the hearts of men
in the aggregate physically insensible, morally it was by far the most
sensible of all the organs he possessed. A tear touched it acutely ; a
tale of distress at once caused it to open : indeed, sorrow in any shape
had but to approach, to find itself surrounded by feelings of benevolence,
whidi caused it to dry up its natnral tears, and to shed those only of
gratitude and joy.
In stature, Grimwood Goodman although he boasted with pride of
having stood full six feet without his shoes when a private in the Loyal
Yolunteers-^was, at the time of which we write, about five feet eight.
He would never allow that he had sunk so many inches ; but he could
not have been more, for he was able to walk under the six feet standard
with hb military cap on without moving a hair. He had never been
married. Hb relatives the only relatives of whom he happened to have
any knowledge, to wit, a brother, a nephew, and their wives had disinter-
estedly taken especial care of that, for in order that the idea of marrying
might be effectually banbhed from his mind, he never visited them, nor
did they ever visit him, without the occurrence of those interesting
fiunily hroils with which the matrimonial state b occasionaUy enlivened.
Not that hb brother and nephew lived unhappily with those whom
they had respectively pledged themselves to love and to cherish : on the
contrary, they enjoyed a greater share of domestic comfort than com-
monly falls to the lot of married men ; but the arrangement between
them was to appear to be steeped to the very lips in domestic misery
whenever Grimwood happened to be present, with the view of deterring
him from entering into that state of life to which certain maids and wi-
dows had modestly called him. And the scheme proved effectual. He
trembled at the thought of embarking in a business^ which they had
led him to believe was extremely tempestuous at beit; for what deterred
him more than all, was the earnest anxiety which they manifested on
all occasions to convince him that, although they snarled, and frowned,
and growled, and wished each other deac^ they in reality lived as hap*
pily together, if not more happily, than married people in general. He
therefore, having no sort of taste for the loving specimens of matrimo-
nii felicity, which they so constantly placed before his eyes, kept aloof^
resolved firmly to live a life of single blessedness unto the end.
Now, when these peculiarly a^tionate creatures heard that Valen-
tine was coming to Ijondon, they were thrown, perhaps naturally, into
a fevmsh state of alarm ; for, although they had never seen him, the
accounts of ^^ the young wretch" which had reached them, had been
ringularly flattering, and therefore they held him to be one who, by
making a favourable impression on him in whom the whole of their
expectations were concentrated, might ''rob" them, as they termed it,
of some portion of that wealth, for which, through the medium of Grim-
wood's death, they so ardently panted. They uierefore lost no time hi
meeting, with the view of devising some scheme by which the loudest of
their fears might be hushed, and as Mr. Walter Goodman had been
iO LWE AKD ADYBNTURBB OF
d^xited by his hrotiier Grimwood to meet Valentine at tlie Isn, it wa,
after a long ooneultaticMi, decided that he should repraaent himeelf to be
Grimwood, aecnre Valentine in oertain private lod^f^js, and eventnaUf
ttther piocuie for him a berth on board some man-of-war about to
sail fer a foieiga station, or send him out as an adventure to seek his
fortune abroa
Aooordingly, Walter proceeded to the inn at the appointed time,
while his hopeful son, Horace, prepared eveiything for Valentine's re-
oeption-^it being arranged that the moment he arrived he should be
hnrried away, and that when he had leached his new reeidenoe, Grim-
Wood shoold be informed that he had not arrived at all. Fortunately,
however, for Valentine, the coach was so late, that Grimwood, having
despatched the pressmg business he had in hand, became seriously
alarmed, and on eoing down himself to the inn, he insisted upon re-
lieving brother T^lter from all responsibility, and, to the bitter mortifi-
cation of that gentleman, waited in the co&e-room the arrival of the
ooaoh.
The design, however, of the affectionate family-party was not to be
frustrated thus. No sooner had Grimwood determmed on waiting him-
sdf than Walter started off to meet the coach, with the view of securing
Valentine still ; while Grimwood was seated in the cofiee-room, drink-
ing, without enjoyment, the pint of claret he had ordered, and mechani-
oa&y reading the Times. Although his eyes were on the paper, his
thoughts were on the coach, and he had just drank his last glass of
wtne^ and began to marvel at the possibility of a man reading for hours
without bringing his mind to bear upon any single sentence, when the
clock struck ten.
^^ Waiter," said he to a sleek, round-faced person in pumps, ^ this is
very extraordinary ^is it not V
*^ Why, sir," replied that interesting person, who being extremely
fussy, and unable to speak without using his napkin, commenced vriping
the bottom of Groodman's glass with great energy. ^^ Why, sir, it is,
sir, rayther, sir ; but not werry neither, sir, cos the down coachman's
oomin up, sir, to-day, and he's always extroroary late."
*' I fear that some serious accident has occurred," observed Goodman.
^' Oh, no fear of that, sir ;" cried the fussy individual, who had com-
menced operations upon the bottom of the decanter; ^'it*s all right
enourii, sir : old Tooler's rather slow, but worry sure I never knowed
him, however, to be quite so late as this, I mus say."
Relieved somewhat by the fact of the delay not being deemed under
the circumstances Mry extraordinary, by the waiter, the old gentleman
walked to the door of the inn-*-not exactly with the view of accelerating
the arrival of the coach, but in order to speculate upon the probability
of every vehicle that came in sight being the one for which he was so
anxiously waiting. He had scarcely, however, taken his position on
the threshold, when he saw brother Walter, followed by his bopefdl son,
Horace, bustling about the place in a state of feverish excitement, and
inquiring again and again of the porters at the gate if they were perfectly
oertain uiat the coach had not arrived.
VALwmras. vox. +1'
*^ -Walter I Hoisoe!" ehoirted Grraiwood; and those geAHMnM C#r
the momeiilBhtiak back at the sound ; but finding no means of escape,
they approaohed, and after hHiesnn^y muttering something havii^g re-
fevCTce t theb astonishttent, ezprMed their coBTictioii that as the -
evBDiog was oML, and as tiie coach might not come in till midnight^ tie
had better go home and let one of them remain to take charge of Valen- '
tise whan he arrived.
^* I oonnder it very kind of you, Walter and Horace," said Grimwood,
takii^ both by the hand, '^ to manifest so much anxiety about one in
whom I take an interest--*! shall not foiget it. However, he cannot
be long new ; therefoie, let us wait together, and have a glass of mulled
wine.'
Both Walter and Horace tried liaid to be excused, bnt Grimwood
resolved on aecurins ihem as firmly as if he had known the source from '
wluoh all their anxiety sprang. They had scaroely, however, taken their
seats In the eoffee-room when the arrival of the coach was announced,
and Ghimwood instantly left his affectionate relatives in order to reoerve
Valentine in the yard.
'' It's all up !*' said Walter, when Grimwood had left. ' What a ibol
I was not to remain at the turnpike ; but, Lord, I made sure that th^
infienifll coaoh had passed." ' '
^^ / oooldn't imaffine what the devil was the matter," cried Hoface^
*^80 1 pelted down here like the devil to see."
^^ Well, it's of no use now," observed Walter ; ^' we are completely
done this time. But never fear, Horace," he eontmued, after a panse,
^ we shall be able to manage it yet," and both father and son became
mute.
^ Your name, I believe, is Valentine Vox V* said Mr. Goodman,
addressing the youth who had just alighted.
*^ It is, returned Valentine.
'^ My name is Goodman I am happy to see you. I hope that you
met with no accident on the road?*'
*' Nothing of any very great importance," replied Valentine.
^' Doant arks me any more questions," cried Tooler, as he strove to
emerge firom the group of inquiring housekeepers and waiters, by whom
he had been anxiously surrounded. ^^ It's o' no use- blarm me if I
9Xoi sick and tired o' the very thoughts on't. I have,'' continued he,
addressing Goodman, ^^ to thenk this young genelman for gittin' up at
alL If it hadn't ha' bin for he we shouldirtha done it to-night, any
how."
This remark had at once the effect of extorting five shillings irom
Valentine instead of half-a-crown, and of creating a very favourable first
imprsssion in the mind of Mr. Goodman, who, having seen the himage *
secure, presented Valentine to Walter and Horace, who received nim
with locks indicative of anything but delight.
^* Nqw^ my young friend," said Mr. Goodman, taking Valentine '
aoaui by the hand and shaking it with much warmth, ^^I am so ^M'
t^at you are safe ; you are faint and cold *I know you are. Waiteir^'
42 LIFB AND ADYENTURES OF
cofiee for this gentleman ; ^what on earth could have detained you ?
But don't tell me now you are fatigued. "
'^ Not at all, I assure you,'' said Valentine, who felt himself perfectly
at home with the old gentleman, although he viewed with an eye of
suspicion the sinister looks of Walter and Horace.
^^ Come, take a glass of wine," said the warm-hearted Goodman,
who felt as highly delighted with Valentine as if he had heen his own
son. ^' My dear boy I he continued, pressing the hand of his protege,
and looking earnestly in his face, '^ God bless you 1"
This was wormwood to Horace and his father. They could not con-
ceal its effects, and therefore, after having addressed certain sneering
observations to Valentine, who bowed without replying, they departed
with the view of designing some viUanous scheme which might in-
duce the revival of those hopes which appeared to them to be on the
point of being blasted for ever.
'' Well, now," said the old gentleman, when his relatives were gone,
and Valentine appeared to be sufficiently refreshed, " come, tell me the
cause of this extraordinary delay."
Valentine gazed upon him earnestly and smiled. He was at first
almost afraid to explain the real cause ; but the general expression of
the old fi[entleman's countenance was so peculiarly &sciuating, that it
quickly inspired him with confidence : he felt that he might trust him
with the secret of his power, which might moreover be to him a source
of constant amusement, and therefore, aiter a little hesitation, confessed
that the delay was attributable solely to him,
*' But," said Goodman, " I understood that had it not been for you,
the coach would not have reached London to night."
'* That is perfectly true," rejoined Valentine, ^' but it is also true
that had it not been for me, it would have arrived here four hours at
least before it did.'*
*^ Indeed i" exclaimed Giodman with an expression of astonishment;
and Valentine hesitated again ; but at length, eeling certain that the
opinion he had formed of Goodman's character was correct, he pro-
ceeded to explain the whole of the. circumstances described in the fifth
and sixth chapters of this history the relation of which caused the old
gentleman to be so irrepressibly convulsed, that his contortions alone
were sufficiently ridiculous to excite the mirth of all present, and at
length the room rang with peals of sympathetic laughter.
"Now ^now my dear boy," observed Goodman, the very mo-
ment he had regained sufiicient command over his muscles, *' be sure
that you tell tbus to no one. We shall have such amusement ! But
keep it, my boy, mind keep it a secret." And here he was seized with
another fit of merriment in which the whole room again most ridiculously
joined, while Valentine congratulated himself on tlie manner in which
he had been received by his warm-hearted patron.
As soon as the frame of Grim wood Goodman became capable of
assuming the semblance of tranquillity, ho began to manifest impatience
to witness the effect of that which appeared to him still to be almost
VALENTINE VOX. 43
impossible. He therefore strongly urged Valentine to give him a
specimen on the spot, and as Valentine felt that he would be too much
amazed for the moment to indulge in those loud bursts of laughter
which might tend to create suspicion, he consented to do so at once,
^ But, be careful, my dear boy, be careful," said Goodman.
*' Oh I there is not the slightest danger of discovery. Waiter !"
said Valentine, throwing his voice into a l)oz in which two extremely
stout individuals were eating deviUed kidneys.
^^ Yes, sir,'' cried the person in pumps, throwing his napkin under
his arm, and approaching the box in question.
'* Waiter !" said Valentine, assuming a voice which appeared to pro-
ceed from the box opposite.
^*' Yes, sir !" repeated the waiter, turning round on ascertaining that
that party had no orders.
*' Waiter !" cried Valentine in precisely the same voice as at first.
^^ Yes, sir !" exclaimed the sleek functionary returning, '* you call
sir?
^' No," said the gentlemen, ^' we did not call."
^ Waiter !" shouted Valentine, throwing his voice to the other end
of the room, to which end he of the pumps of course inunediatdy
pelted.
** Now, where is that bottle of port V cried Valentine, bringing the
voice about half way back.
*' Beg pardon, sir, I'm sure, sir," said the waiter addressing the per-
son from whom he imagined the sound had proceeded, '^ did you order
a bottle of port, sir ?"
'^ No," said the person addressed, I'm drinking negus."
^' Waiter !" shouted Valentine with all the force of which he was
capable.
^' Yes, Sir !" cried the waiter with corresponding energy, and again
he followed the sound, and continued to follow it until Valentine
ceased, when the knight of the napkin, whose blood began to boil,
approached the fire and poked it with all the power at his command.
^ Jim !" cried Valentine, sending his voice up the chimney, while
the waiter was taking his revenge *'*' get up higher : I*m roasting."
'^ Hush !" said Valentine, assuming the voice of '^ Jim," who ap-
peared to be half-choked. '' Hush ! don't speak so loud."
The waiter who still grasped the instrument of his vengeance with
one hand, raised the ouier to enjoin silence, and walked on tip-toe
towards the bar, from which in an instant he returned with the land-
lord, the hostess, the barmaid, the boots, and in fitct nearly the whole
of the members of the establishment, who crept with the utmoet care
upon their toes towards the fire, when Valentine conducted the fol-
lowing interestmg conversation between ^^Jim" and '^Joe^" in the
chimney.
*^ It s flaming hot here^ Jim, but there that'll do. Did you ever in
your horn days see sich a fire ?"
^ Hold on a bit, Joe ; our sweat 11 soon damp it."
ii ^
44 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
'^ I wish he as poked it was in it."
^' Oh that would'ot do at any price. His fat 'ud blaze to sich a
hextent, it 'ud do us brown in no time.*'
The landlord approached. '^ So weVe caught you at last then, you
blackguards. Hollo V cried he, peering up the chimney.
" Hush !" said the invisible Jim.
*' Aye, ym may say hush," said the host, ^^ but you're trapped now,
my tulips : come down d'ye hear ?"
The tulips did not condescend to reply.
^' Here tferry," continued the host, '^ run out for the pcrficeman," and
Jerry, of course, ran with all possible speed. .
^^ You'd better come down there you wagabones," cried the landlord.
^' Hezcuse us," said Jim, ^' you are worry perlite."
^' If you don't, I'll blow you bang through the pot !" cried the land-
lord.
^^ You haven't enough powder," said the invisible Joe.
The policeman here entered, and bustling up to the grate, shouted
now, young fellows, come along, I wants you."
^^ I)o you, said one of the young fellows.
'. ^'It's o' no use, you know," cried the policeman, who held his
authority to be -contemned, and his dignity insulted, by that tnin^uil
lemsfk. ^' You'd better come at once, you know, my rum ims."
*^ That's werry good advice, I des-say," said one of the rum uns^
*' ony we doesn't think so."
^^ Why, it taint o' no use," urged the policeman, ^'you an't got a
ha'porth 6' chance. Here, give us hold of a stick or a broom," said
he to the waiter, and the chambermaid ran to fetch one, when another
policeman entered, to whom the first said, ^^ Smith, go and stand by
them ere chimley pots, will yer," and accordingly up Smith went with
the boots.
^ Now then,'' said the poKceman, having got a long broom, ^ if yoa
don't come down, my crickets, in course I shaU make you, and that's all
about it."
In reply to this acute observation, one of the ^^ crickets" indulged in
a contemptuous laugh, which so enraged the policeman, that he on the
instant introduced the long broom up the chunney, and brought down
of eourse a sufficient quantity of soot to fill an imperial busheli measure.
This remarkable descension, beinff on his part wholly unexpected,
caused him to spit and sneeze wiUi considerable vehemence, while hia
face was sufficiently black to win the sympathies of any regular philan-
thropist going.
'* Now then, you sirs !" shouted Smith from the top; '' Do you mean
to come up or go down ? Ony say !"
As soon as the first fit of sneezing had subsided, tfie policeman below
was just about to ^ve vent to the indignation which swelled his official
breast, when he was seized with another, which in its effects proved &r
more violent than the first.
^^ kxd luck to you," said he on regaining the power to speak, *^give
OS something to wash it down, or 1 shaU choke. It 'U be all the
T^
VALENTINB VOX. 45
wone for you, my kids, when I gets yon. Do you meftn to coine down
now 1 tJka^t all about it. It's o' no use, yon know, for in coufBe we
don't leaye you. Once for aU, do you mean to come down V^
^ Yon are ^eeny perlite,'' replied one of the kids, *^ but we'd much
rayther not.''
^^Why then," said the constable in cUsgnise, who as fiir as the
makinff up of his face was concerned, appeared perfectly ready to mur-
der Othdlo^^*'*' in course we must make you."
As this obseryation on the part of the policeman, was followed by
another contemptuous laugh, that respectable functionary became so
indignant that he entertained thoughts of achieving their annihilation
by virtue of fire and smoke. While, however, he was considering
whether a jury under the circumstances would bring it in justifiable
homicide, manslaughter, or murder, it was suggested that as there lived
in the neighbourhood an extremely humane and intellectual sweep, who
having become particularly knock-kneed in the profession, and peculiarly
alive to the hardships which the corrupt climbmg system inflicted upon
the sooty seneiation in general, had a machine which was patronised
by the nobuity and gentiy, and which might in this instance have the
eflfect of accelerating the process of ejectment. For this remarkable
master-sweep, therefore, boots was despatched, while the policeman,
bent upon a wicked waste of coab, endeavoured to persuade the in-
visibles to descend by making the fire blaze with a fury which a oouple
of young sakimanders only could stand.
Nothmg, however, beiurine the similitude of bhoes could bring the
burglars down, and just as Valentine's guardian /ro tern, was declaring
that he must dther laugh loudly or burst, a stout stumpy man, who
stood about five feet five, upon legs to which nothine stands recorded
in the annals of legs, at all comparable in point of obfiquity, was led in
by boots, with the machine on his shoulder, and at once assumed the
air of an individual conscious of the immaculate character of his motives,
and of the general integrity of his professional reputation.
*^ I understand," said he, bowling with all the importance of which a
master sweep is comfortably capable towards the fire " I understand
that you have certain burglarious burglars up the flue. Well I as the
integral integrity of this glorious and empirical empire demands that all
nch dishonest thieves should be brought when caught to the barrier of
judicial justice, ergo, tliat is for to say, consequently, therefore, they
mu8t descend down, and this 'U brine 'em ! It was never known to
ftil," he added drawing forth a huge Dread-andnsheese knife to cut the
cord which bound the machine together, ^* in any think successfully
attempted. It is pattermsed by the titled nobility, and clerical clergy
in oly orders, besides the official officers of the lo3ral household, and the
principal aristocratic members of the aristocracy in high life, and ought
to be known in every particle of the globe and her colonies. It was
ony t'other day as I was called in to hoperate upon the chimbleys of one
of our tip topmost dukes, a great agricultural proprietor of landed pro*-
perty, and a petickler friend of mine, wot had heered from some vaga-
bone wot I holds worry properly in contemptuous contempt, that my
46 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
machine had turned out a dead foilure. * So/ says he, when I'd done
the job, ^ Shufflebottom,' sajs he, * youre a werry ill-used man, a hindi-
widual wot's werry much respected uniwersally by all, and therefore,
it's a werry great |nty that you should be sich a wictim of misre-
presentation/ * Why,' says I, ' my lord duke, you knows werry well
as how I treats all sich wi^bones with suitable contempt. But
I'm obleeged to you my lord duke, and I feels wenry gratefol as I alius
does feel for any favor as is showed, and I alius Tikes to return it
too, 'specially if them as shows it puts themselves you know weny
much out of the way in the most friendliest spirit) and has their motives
in consequence suspected."
" Well, come," said the host intemiptiog this remarkable sweep, who
displayed a disposition to go on for an hour, ^' let us see if we can get
these rascals out of the flue."
Shufflebottom marvelled at this un^entlemanlike interruption, but
after hurling a look of contempt at the illiterate landlord, he introduced
the head of his machine into the chimney, and sent it up joint by joint.
Of course, during its progress a considerable quantity of soot descended,
but when the brush had reached the pot, the policeman above grasped
it firmly, ooncdving it to be the rough hair of one of the burglus, and
pulled it completely out of Shufflebottom's hand.
^* The blaggards is at top !" cried ShufBebottom loudly. ^* They 've
stole my machine ! go, go upon the roof !**
^' Come with me," said the policeman, but as Shufflebottom had not
sufficient courage for that, the policeman and boots, went up together
with the view of rendering all necessary assistance. On reaching the
roof, they of courae discovered the cause of great Shufflebottom's alarm,
and having sent his machine down the chimney again, descended with
the view of deciding upon some other course. It was the conviction of
the policeman above, that no burglars were in the chinmey at all, for
he himself had been nearly sufibcated by simply looking from the top ;
but as this very natural idea was repucUated as monstrous by all below,
Shufflebottom in the plenitude of his humanity, suggested that a sack
should be tied tightly over the pot, in order that the invisible burglars
might be stifled into an unconditional surrender. As this appeared to
be decidedly the most efiectual way of oompelliuff them to descend, the
policeman urged it strongly, and as the host did oy no means object to
its adoption, orders were given for the sack to be tied over at once.
This humane and ingenious operation had scarcely been performed,
when the room was of course filled with smoke, and in less than three
minutes, every soul had departed with the exception of the policeman
and Shufflebottom the sweep, who soon deemed it expedient to crawl
out on their hands and knees to avoid snflbcation.
Valentine and his guardian, with several other gentlemen, repaired to
the bar, when orders were given for the removal ^ the sack, and on its
betUff decided that when the smoke had evaporated, one policeman
should remain in the room, and another on the roof of the house all.
ttiglif, a coach was ordered, and h)odman with his ohaige prooeeded
home irrepressibly delighted with the evening's entertainment.
VALENTINE TOX. 47
CHAPTER Vm.
THS OOHSULTATION OF AN INTBBBBTINO FAMILY PARTY, AT WHICH IT
IS PSCIDBD THAT 80MBTHINO MUBT BS 2KNIS.
'^ Well, my love!*' exclaimed the affectionate Mis. Goodiaan, as^
Waiter and his son entered the room, in which she and Mrs, Horace had '
beeo anxiously waiting " we have heen in such a way you can't thinki
for Julia would have it you had failed."
** She was right," muttered Walter, sinking into a chair heavily.
^^ Bight!" cned Mrs. Goodman. ^' What, have you not secured the
young wretch ? Horace ! tell me?"
Horace shook his head.
*^ Ah!" said the old lady, playfully patting the cheek of Walter, and
giving him a series of matrimonial kisses '^ he has not arrived."
'' Bat he has," cried Horace, '^ and Uncle has got him !"
The old lady sank into her chair.
^ Dear me !" said Mrs. Horace, who bad derived a latent feeling of
aatisfiiction from the circumstance of her having predicted a failure,
*' how could you have been so stupid ?"
Horace explained, and the old lady wept, and Walter pulled his boots
off with desperate violence.
^^ Then you did see the wretch ?" said the old lady spitefully.
*^ Of course," returned Horace.
*^ What iori of a creature is he?" enquired the junior Mrs. Goodman.
'^ Why, I don't know," said Horace, '^ a sort of a rakish-looking
scamp. What struck me more than all was his eye."
^^ Has he but one?" cried the old lady, somewhat revived.
*' Not exactly," returned Horace, " he has two "
" And they are odd ones V interrupted the old lady with confidence^
which seemed to be teeming with pleasure.
^' They are," replied Horace, ^' the oddest eyes that ever looked
through a man: such piercers! They'd dart through the dome of St.
Paul's or the earth, and see what was goine on at our antipodes. Hed
make the money fly! he'd show the world how to spend it, if he ever
had the chance."
The mere mention of money had the effect of arousing Walter from
the lethargy into which he had fallen. He drew at once towards the
table, and having placed his arms deliberately upon it, said iinnly and
emphatically, ^^ oomethinff must be done. I saw," contiaued he, after
a pause, ^* the impression the young scamp had made upon Grimwood.
I watched them both narrowly, and when I perceived the extreme
warmth with which Grimwood grasped his hand, and looking earnestly
in his fince^ said, ' My dear boy ^God bless you !' I could not but
feel that the boy the dear boy-^stood a very fur chance of becoming
his heir."
" Great Heaven forbid !" exclaimed Mrs. Goodman, senior, turning
up the yellows of her blood-shot eyes^ and throwing one of her anna
49 LTFB AMO ADTBNTUIIBB OF
fovad ilie delioate vodk of the amiablo Mrs. Qoodman, junior, to exfnm
ffeciioiii while. the other was laised as far above her head as possible;
in order to express the highest pitch of surprise. *' His heir I Gtod
Qnuious! What are his daimsf his pretensions? What is the rela-
tionship eicisting between them ? What right has he to rob ns of any
portion of that which by every law of nature belongs to us alone V
To this interesting string of interroflatories Wslter replied sknpiy hy
remarking, that none were ever robbed by right. ^* The question to be
oonsider^" said he, ^' does not apply to the natural right of the oner
it has referenoe solely to the legal power of the other.'^
^* But what a monstrous shame it is/' said Mrs. Gkodman, '^ that a
man should have the power to leave his property to any but hib
relatives r'
'' It is useless to talk about that,'' observed Walter. ^ He Aiw the
power, and that's sufficient. The question is, how is the exercise of
that power to be in this case prevented ?'
^' 6ut Uncle may not intend to do any thing of the kind," said tlie
junior Mrs. Goodman.
^' Mi^ not !" cried Walter. ^' He may not ; but what if he should?
What if he were to leave every shilling to this fellow : where then should-
we be ? Why instead of living in affluenee as we ou^ki to live, we
should be at once reduced to a state of destitution."
*' Aye, that is the point, dear," said Mrs. Ooodman, senior. *' Just
look at that ! For my part I tremble to think on't."
^^ Dut do you think it likely," observed the junior Mrs. Gkodman,
" that Uncle has the heart to behave so unkindly ?"
*' There's no telling, child," replied Walter. '* If he happen to take
a fimcy to this boy, ne may make him the inheritor of all ; and if be
should, my pitiful income from the stamp office of 200/. a-year will be
all that we shall have to exist upon ; and that, when I go, will go too.
I must, however say, what I have said a thousand times, that if Horace
had played his cards well he might have been a greater favowrite off-
Grimwood than he is."
'' Why, what could I do with the old buck ?" cried Horace, smoking
a black cheroot with unequivocal desperation.
* Do I" replied Walter. ^* Why, you should have endeavoured on all
occasions to please him."
'^ Well, I have!" shouted Horace, ^^ I have tried just as hard as afiy
fellow could try, and he wouldn't be pleased. Haven't I asked him
fifty times to go with me to the masquerade ? didn't I bite the best
part of BullheiuL's tail clean off when he had fast hold of the old boy*a
boot ? and when I pitched him into the water the day they rowed iot
the silver sculls, didn't I hook him out aiin like a Whiteohapel
needle? And yet I'm no favourite because I've not played my cards
weUl"
^' Yon have not gone the right vnty to work," rqjmned Walter.
^' Why, what would he have ?" shouted Horace in a rage. *^ Wfaatf!s-
tbe use of blowing me up about it ? If he won't be pleased^ bow eaii
I make him ? I've done all I could, and if he don't like me^ why he
VALBNTINB TOX. 49
do the otlMT thing." And Hoiaoe, finding the cheroot during his
speeeh had ffone ont^ t&ew it indignantly into the fire, and proceeded
to light anoui^.
*^ Well, well,*' said the aenior Mrs. Goodman, ** it is useless to dwell
upon that subject now. What's done can't be undone, and therefore
we should turn our thoughts to what we have to do."
"" Something must be done," repeated Walter, *' and soon. The will
is in our &our now. I know it : I have seen it. How, then, are we
to keep him from altering that will ?"
^ Yes, that is the question : that's just the very point," observed
Mis. Goodman senior. '' It would be such a very dreadful thing, if,
after having tried so hard all these years to secure it, we should be
robbed of it, just as his constitution 's breaking up. I'm sure none
oooid have taken more pains than we have : none could have taken
more trouble to earn it. Heaven knows it has cost us a world of
anxiety. We could not have watched him more loosely than we have,
if the' sum had been fifty times as much as it is. That's impossible.
He has been our thoughts by day, and our dreams by night. He has
never been out of our heads, and therefore the idea of being robbed of it
at last is quite shocking."
^ Let's persuade the old boy," observed Horace, ^'that he can't
expect to sleep very quiet when he's gone, unless he leaves the whole of
his blunt to those who have the greatest right to it."
" Pooh !" said Walter, contemptuously. *' Grimwood's no fool !'^
^ W^ I'm sure," remarked the senior Mrs. Goodman, ** that he
ought to be made to feel that he cannot be so happy."
^ Of course he ought," said Horace ; ^* and that's just the way the
old boy's to be walked over, too I Why, look at old Thingermybob
there-^what's his name ? Sniggers I he had left nearly the whole of
his dubs to build a jolly lot of alms-houses, for a crew of old women
that didn't belong to him at all. Well, what did his son Harry do
when be heard of it ? Why, he no sooner found that he was to be
pennoned off at so much a-month, than he sent old Fizgig ther^
oinipkinson to talk about the old buffer's ghost, and the result was
that Harry got it all"
^ Well, look at the late Mr. Lucas," said the senior Mrs. Goodman,
in order to give an additional illustration of the position assumed: ^He
had very eorrectly left the whole of his property to his relatives ; but
no sooner did he connect himself with GantaJl's congregation, than
Cbntall ffot hold of him, and worked upon his feelings to a degree which
iadnoed nim in the first place to build a new chapel and a large house
adjoining, and in the next, to will them, with the whole of his other
property, to him who had thus poisoned his mind, and now, while tlie
Ckntalls are lolling in the lap of luxury, the relatives of Lucas are
starving."
*^ To be sore," said Horace, lighting another very black cheroot.
^^ And as the old boy's not always exactly wide awake, he's to be got
o^m just in the same way. Only make him believe that if he should
he guilty of so dirty and disreputable a swindle, hb jolly old ghost will
a
50 LIFE AKD ADTEMTUBBS OF
cut abont in a modi unoomfortable state of excitement from geneialkn
to genemtion, and we shall nail him as dead as a herrinff.^
^ And you think that he wouldn't see through it?" said Walter,
with a sneer.
*' Not if the thing were managed properly/* replied Horace. ** It
wouldn't of course do exactly for me to pitch the blarney, because I
might come it a little too strong ; but a fellow with a serious phiz, like
old Neversweat what's his name ? ^he who sits behind the block bar-
nacles perched upon the stool next to yours the fellow who won't die,
you know, although aware that you have been waiting about a couple
of generations for his shoes."
* What Coggle V suggested Mrs. Goodman senior.
" Aye, that s the cove Coggle : a venerable out-and-out old fool,
now, like that, who never had above half a laugh in him, would be able
to do the trick in no time."
*' Pooh ! nonsense !" cried Walter.
^' Well, there could be no hann, you know," said Horace, ^^ in trpng
it on !"
" I tell you," said Walter, " it is not to be done in that way."
" In what other way is it possible to do it ?" enquired Horace.
Walter Goodman either could not or would not explain ; but afber
supper this really interesting fomily party separated with the mutual
understanding that somethiko must be done.
CHAPTER IX.
VALENTINES VISIT TO THE HOUSE OP COMMONS.
Neither Walter nor Grimwood could sleep during the night, but Oh !
from what opposite causes ! It were curious and interestrag doubtless
to enquire how many causes are capable of producing the same efifeet;
but as the subject need not be long dwelt upon here, it will be perhape
quite sufficient to explain that while Walter was engaged in concocting
certain intricate schemes of villany, Grimwood, delighted with the
almost unbounded prospect of happiness which had opened before him,
lay stretched in the unrestrained indulgence of those pleasing anticipa^
tions which sprang from the conception 'of innumerable scenes that
crowded to tickle his vivid imagination.
Having vnshed for the morning all night, night avenged itself by
introducing morning just as Grimwood had begun to wish morning at a
distance. His head, however, continued to stick to its pillow with all
the tenacity of the polypus until he heard the church clock strike feeen,
when he rang for his water, and rolled out of bed.
Now Valentine, who had slept like a dormouse all night, and whose
usual hour for rising had been mat, could not understand this eleven
o'clock business at all. He had been five hours awake, and was as
VAIBNTINB VOX. 51
kuigiy as a wolf; but as Grimwood's last injunction the previous
nisht had been, ^^ do not get up on any account until you are called^" ha
mL bound to act in obedience to that injunction, and to await the call
with all the Christian patience he could muster. For the first tluree
hoars he amused himself tolerably well by endeavouring to understand
what the fellows had to dispose o^ who kept continually bawling out,
** Yar sto !" '" Meyare mickrell!" " clo! cloT' " weep!" " ool ar rowin
an ool ar' lowin !*' and &om nine o'clock tiU ten he listened attentively
to the strains of a barrel oigan with a remarkably shrill whistling
accompaniment ; but when he heard the clock strike eleven^ he fiwdea
he might as well give the thing up. He had, however, no sooner
turned upon his side to comiose himself, if possible, far another
n^ht's rest, than he heard the knock of Grim wood, who had come to
enquire if he would like to have breakfast in bed. The very knock was
sufficient. He felt himself free ; and having answered the question in
the negative, proceeded to dress with all possible speed.
His reception in the parlour was most ardent. The delighted old
gentleman pressed his hand again and again, and during breakfast
reviewed the occurrences of the previous evening with rapture.
^' Well now, my dear boy," said he, when Valentine had satisfied
his appetite, ^' what shall we do to-day?"
" I have but to write home," returned Valentine, ^^ and then I am
entirely at your disposal."
'^ You have never," said Goodman, ^* been in the Commons? of
course, you have not. Would you like to go V
" Exceedingly," returned Valentine.
^ Well then, remember me at home; seal your letter; and we'll call
upon a member who will take us to-day, I have no doubt."
Accordingly, an early dinner was ordered, and Valentine and his
guaidian. proofed without delay to the residence of a highly distin-
guished member of parliament.
Valentine's spirit had never been broken. His tongue had never
kamt to assume the accents of a slave, nor had his soul been taught to
dirink from the presence of a man, however high might be his station in
society, or however severe and piercing might be his glance. He did,
however, feel in some slight degree tremulous on entering the house of
this eminent senator, of whom he had frequently heard, whose speeches
be had frequently read, and whom he knew to have been distinguished
fior years in a place in which pretenders so soon find their level.
Conceive then his astonishment on being ushered into the sanctum of
this eminent personage, vvhose indefatigable exertions he had heard so
many curse, when, instoid of beholding in a magnificent Ubrary, studded
with richly bound volumes, a stately individual enveloped in a long
flowing robe, with whose splendour the carpet alone might be com-
parable, he saw a stout common looking person in a singularly short
jacket, whose tightness developed to perfection a tremendous swells
po9t0r^frij perched upon a stool with liis toes dangling down within
half a daayen inches of a piece of old oil cloth, which as some sort of an
a|Hili)^y fur a carpet had been nailed to the floor.
52 LIFB AND APTKNTURBB OF
At fiii) Valentiiie natumlly imagined that the oreatuve whom he
htheli was the senator's bu^er, for he saw that he was anxiously
casting up, what he felt might be the baker's account, and was just on
the pomt of concluding, that if the consumption of the family were not
immcDse, the baker gave yery long credit, when the person in questioB
said, ^Seventy-nine ^nine and carry seven, how are you?- --nine
seven, how do V And he cocked a stumpy pen into hu month, and
ttctendiiig his inky hand, added, ^^ Glad to see you: what can I do for
you?"
'^ We want to go to the House to-night," said Goodman
^ Yes; will you call for me, or meet me in the lobby V
" Tfe may as well meet you.''
*^ I shall be down at a minute to four. Oood day." And Qoodman,
who seemed to eapect nothing more, dragged Valentine out of the
Studio as the senator muttered in a sonorous wobble, ^' Seven: seven
nine sixteen, twenty-four, thirty-one, forty, forty-six, fifty-two, sixty*
seven, seventy-six, eighty, eighty-three," and was thus going on witli
amazing rapidity, when the door closed and shut in the sound.
^' Is that the man?" said Valentine, when he had got fairly out.
** It is*the very man !" replied Goodman.
**Well, I shouldn't have supposed it possible," said Valentine, who
had still in his mind's eye the singular jacket, and that which it set off
to so much advantage.
** You will see him in a different character to-night," observed Good-
man. ;;He has somethmg important to eflFect, T can see by his
manner.
Without being impressed with any elevated notions having reference
to the style and address of a British senator, by the eminent specimen
whom he had seen, Valentine was led by his guardian towards home,
ftom which, after having had a somewhat hasty dinner, they proceeded
at once to the House.
It wanted precisely a quarter to four when Goodman and his charge
passed Westminster Hall, and as the eminent statesman who was about
to introduce them was certain to be neither a moment before nor
a moment behind the time appointed, they continued to walk opposite
the Abbey, endeavouring to discover in the countenances of the various
members who approached the House, something indicative of extraor*
dinary talent, until, finding that they were within one minute of the
time, they walked through a room, in which they saw two functionaries,
who looked as if the mending of an additional pen would very seriously
annoy them, and thence into a passage, in which were several hundred
hooks, from each of which was suspended a piece of dirty pasteboard,
on which the name of some honourable member was written.
They had scarcely reached the stairs at the end of this passage when
the statesman whom they had seen in the morning arrived. He had
exchanged his short jacket for a yellow waistcoat and a blue coat with
gilt buttons ; and having hurried them up, he went into a room in which
sat a select committee, tlie members of which were immediately in-
formed that the speaker was at prayers. From this room they pro-
TAL8KT1NB yfX. 53
eeeded atonce into the Houses aad when thek guide had placed tbem
upon an elevated seat near the entranoe, they began to look around
them.
*' And is this the British House of Commons V thought Valentine ;
^'Con it be possible that these are our stateamen ?''
Whatever surprise the dimensions of the House, or the mean appear*
anoe of its members,' might tend to create, he felt that, as there could be
too doubt about the matter, he might as veil direct the whole of his
attention to what was going forward.
In the first place, the speaker cried ^' Order, order I order at the table !
order, order !" and a mob of honourable members who had been stand-
ing round the table, immediately repaired to their seats. It was
interesting to Valentine to behold the respect which the members paid
the speaker. When seated, they kept their hats on ; but if they moved
but a yard, they pulled them off, and replaced them the moment they
were seated again ; and if they passed from one side of the House to Ue
other, they bowed to the chair as they passed, if they went over ev^i
but for an instant.
When a spare individual, who sported a court-dress, and whose only
occupation appeared to be that of bowing profoundly, and cuiying a
maoe, which was nearly as large and as heavy as himself, had been trot-
ting about for some time behmd the bar, ^^ Order, order V was called
again ; and a certain bundle of parchment having been placed in the
hand of the speaker, he gave a brief, a very brief description of its title,
and then observed, ^'This bill be read second time many's 'pinion say
'Aye cent pinion s'no The Ayes have it this bill be committed many's
'pinion say Aye cont 'pinion s'no the Ayes have it ;" without the
members saying either Aye or No or attending, in fact, to the matter
at all!
The speaker then called the name of an extremely spectral personage,
who, albeit the eldest son of a duke, looked as if he had lived all his life
upon chips, and who shuffled up to the table, in remarkably short nan-
keen trousers, which scarcely reached that part of his leg at which
Nature had intended to ^^stablish a calf. He had a petition to present^
and in describing its character, displayed as much eloquence as Demos-
thenes ever could display, before he had recourse to the pebbles. ^^ Laid
upon the table," said the speaker ; and a stout led-faced man at once
crushed it together, and threw it under the table, as a matter of oourse,
when the noble earl by whom it had been presented returned to his seat,
and having cocked upon his head an extremely small hat, put his left
leg carefully over his right, with the air of a man conscious of having
done all in his power to promote the peculiar objects the petitioners had
in view.
*^ 8ergeant !*' cried the speaker, when this job had been jobbed ; and
tlie individual in the court-dress bowed three times during his progress
towards the table, when, taking up the nxace, which had been placed
there, bowed three times during his backward retreat, and having said
something to a couple of masters in Chancery, who were the bearers of
a cottple of documents from the Lords, he and they walked abreast ; to
54 LIFE AKD ADTENT0RE0 OF
the bar, wben they took fowr steps, and then bowed like a leash of
Mandarins, then took fonr steps more, and again bowed, and then
another couple of brace of steps, which brought them up to the table, at
which they bowed again, when, after mumbling somediing having le-
ference to something, and putting the documents down, they walked-
backwards four steps, and then bowed, tlien took four steps more^ and
bowed again, when, by way of a finish, they made four stq)s more, and,
haying bowed, turned round, and rushed out of the House laughing.
This proceeding appeared to Valentine to be supremely ridiculous, but
what tended in some degree to neutralize his disgust was the faet, that
not only were the masters in Chancery afraid to walk backwards, with-
out looking behind to see if anything happened to be standing in the
way, but the person in full dress, whom Valentine ascertained to be the
deputy-sergeant, was compelled to retreat, just as if he had been bimdy
from his birth, because he could not persuade his sword to keep from
between his legs. Despite, therefore, every other feeling whicn this
ceremony might naturally tend to create in one utteny incapable
of perceiving its great national importance, Valentine could not repress
a smile, and the moment he had arrived at the conclusion that neither a
sergeant* at-arms, nor a deputy-sergeant, nor a master in Chancery,
could do the thing well without having served an apprenticeship to a
rope-maker, ^^ Order!" was again called; and then the name of
a certain honourable member, who at once rose to direct the at-
tention of the House to the continued existence of a certain abuse,
with the bearings of which Valentine was not profoundly oon^
versant.
The style of this honourable member was inflexible his voice loud
and sonorous. He had a certain provincial accent, which, to a refined
ear, had a tendency to counteract the effect of whatever eloquence he
might possess, and he assumed tlie tone of a man who had been accus-
tomed to address m3rriada willing to hear and to applaud. He spoke
frequently of the masses, of paper currency, of the markets, of specie, and
commercial ruin, of imports and of exports, of America, France, Portu-
gal, China, and Spain ; in short, he seemed resolved to leave no stone
unturned in any quarter of the globe, which he conceived might tend to
illustrate the position he had assumed.
It soon became manifest to Valentine, that whatever degree of im-
portance might be attached to the opinions of this gentleman elsewhere,
in that house they had no weight at all ; for the few, the very few,
who appeared to be attentive, were mingling tlieir smiles with their
sneers, while the rest were conversing and joking, and laughing,
apparently unconscious of everything but that which liad immediate
reference to themselves. It was easy to perceive that this gentleman
was capable of far more eloquence than that which he displayed ; but
the coldness of the members whom he addressed, appeared to chill his
natural ardour, and he eventually resumed his seat without gaining a
cheer.
Tills seemed to be a consummation that had been devoutly wished,
and no sooner had it arrived than the attention of the house was diMOtod
VAUUnXKE TQX* 55
to one who lbeifc in person extremely small, appealed to be extremely
gient m the estimation of those who occupiea one entire side of tli^
honae. He had risen vnth. the view of showing that the arguments of
the honourable member who had preceded him were entirdy baseless
and absurd ; and although his tone and deportment were by no means
ooaunanding, while his eloquence sank to a great depth below medi-
ocrity,- his ahem-ing and a-ar-ing reputation was applauded with
Tehemenoe, by those who had failed to devote the slightest attention to
the arguments to which the refutation applied.
When this small but important individual had concluded, a fine
portly person whose hair was neither auburn nor absolutely red, and
whose forte eeemed to lie in the delivery of the bitterest sarcasms clothed
in the sweetest tones, rose with what appeared to be a portfolio in his
band, for the purpose of impugning one particular branch of the policy
pursued by the then existing government. He appeared to be regarded
as an oracle, for the house when he rose was as silent as the grave.
Tery point that he made was cheered with rapture by those who
aat on the same side of the house, and whenever he happened to place
a strong emphasis upon the concludon of any sentence in which no
p(Hnt was perceptible, he looked round with the view of making his
ln^[ids understand that although they might not exactly see it, the
sentence did contain a point, when they nailed it with enthusiasm
aecordingly.
The moment this political god had resumed his seat amidst loud and
protracted cheering, an honourable member whose countenance had been
said to resemble an ugly portrait of Charles the First, and who appeared
to hold raaors in sovereign contempt, for he clearly had not used one for
many a day, rose simply to observe that he agreed with every sentence
that either had been said, might be said, or could be said, against the
members of the existing cabinet, whom he held to be the vilest, the
meanest, the shabbiest, and most atrocious political scoundrels with
whom the British Empire ever was or ever could be cursed. " I de-
nounce then," said he with a cannibalistic scowl, which he had assumed
with the view of imparting a most withering effect to the peroration of
his philippic. '^I denounce them as a gang of degraded political
ruffians; who, with a profligate and most unconstitutional suck,
have drained the cup of degradation to the very dregs, and I shouldn't
care so much as the gliost of a dump, if the whole crew were nailed to
the walls of thb house, and stoned to death with sacrificial brickbats
to*morrow !"
To the astonishment of Valentine, this burst of indignation was pro-
ductive of nothing but laughter, and before Mr. Goodman had time to
explain that the house always laughed when that senator spoke, a states-
man in miniature, knitting his brows, started up with almost as
much velocity as if he had been sent like a shell from a mortar to scatter
destruction around.
*^ That's a great gun," said Goodman ; and Valentine thought so, for
he at that moment heard a tremendous report, which he subsequently,
however, ascertained to proceed from a box which adorned one comer
5S LIFE AMD ADYBNTUBBB OF
of the table, and which the little man struck with the force of a jronng
blackamith, while he writhed and wriggled and tortured his poor little
body into eyery conceivable attitude, precisely as if those who sat in his
immediate Tidnity, were out of pure wantonness pinching him behind.
Even the reporters left off to indulge their amazement* for although his
delivery revelled between a squeal and a shriek, his address was thickly
studded with the most beautifully poetic images that ever developed the
scope and power of man's imagination. How the speeches of this little
gentleman could be followed by the reporters Valentine could not con-
ceive. He knew that those speeches did appear, and having heard that
the reports were most faithful, he was just on the point of concluding
that the reporters must depend upon their memory, which he felt must
be very extraordinary, seeing that they on one occasion gave a most
faithful report of a speech which he only intended to deliver, when the
shrieking stopped in an instant, like an alarum run down and the
general cheering became enthusiastic.
Before time bad subdued this vehement applause, the honourable
member by whom the miniature statesman had been preceded, rose
obviously in a state of excitement, to enquire if a certain observation
which had fallen from the httle gentleman, and which appeared to have
reference to buffoonery in general, was intended to apply personally to
him. ^' If it were," said the honourable member, with a swell of
indignation, '^ I hurl back the insinuation with scorn ! I am not a man
to be with impunity insulted by any dirty" (" order ! order ! chair I
chair !")
*^ The good sense," observed the Speaker, '' by which the conduct of
the honourable member is so distinguished, will enable him to perceive
thai the course he is now pursuing is not strictly in order."
*^ I am willing," cried the honourable and indignant member, ^^ to
pay all due deference to the chair ; but in the strongest terms the forms
of the house will allow, will I denounce any vagabondising, dirty," ^The
extraordinary force vrith which he swung his arm round, in order to
give full effect to the last word, caused the honourable member who had
evidently dined, to fall heavily upon the heads of the members below
him. This occurrence of course produced a loud burst of merriment
which had scarcely subsided, when Valentine, whose feelings of contempt
had been aroused, cried '^ Buffoon /" assuming the voice of the mer-
curial statesman, who had made so exceedingly free with the box.
The members at this moment looked with astonishment at each
other, for they did not expect that from him.
^ I am sorry," said the speaker, in his blandest tone, without noticing
the contentions of the member who had fallen, " I am sorry to be
compelled to observe that such language is disorderly in the extr^ne."
The honourable member then rose to explain : '' If sir," said he, ^^ if
it be imagined that / gave utterance to the offensive expression, which
has called for that remark, I can assure you that it is altogether a mis-
take, for upon my honour I did not.''
*^ I oertamly did conceive," said the speaker, '' that the expression
proceeded from the honourable member; but if "
'^If d ^it did !** shoxited several honourable memben.
No, no! it did not!" shouted several othen, who were equaify
rare that it did.
** I have certainly no desire to interfere in this matter,^ said an
hooourable member who had a remarkable profile, and whose busby
hair was flowing luxuriantly down his back, ^* but I roust say that I
hoard the honourable member distinctly make ^" Cries of " No,
no !*' from one side of the House, and loud cheers from the other, effec-
tually drowned this honourable member's voice, A^ain he endeavoured
to make himself heard, and again, but was again ana again interrupted,
ttntn at length he cried aloud in a voice of desperation, '* You will not
hear me now, but the time will come when you ihall hear me I Flu,
the time will come when you shall !"
*' Sir,'' said an honourable and gallant member, who appeared to have
been in the heat of some sanguinary battle, ^' if it did not proceed from
the honourable member, I should like to know from whom it could
proceed ? It there in this House another member with such a voice ?"
** Hear, hear !" exclaimed an honourable member, who prided himself
upon his long top-boots and the barerfaced integrity of pnnciple.
*^Hear, hear, hear!'' shouted another honourable member, whose
small twinklin? eyes imparted lustre to a remarkably fiill-blown coun-
tenance, of which the naturally good-humoured expression was spoiled
by some rather malicious feeling, which appeared to be in tlie
ascendant.
^ Is not the honourable and gallant member satisfied V inquired the
honourable member who had been accused. ^* Is not my word of honour
sufficient ?"
"Of course," replied the honourable and gallant member, "the
forms of this House will not allow me to suppose it even possible for
kny honourable member to be guilty of a deliberate falsehood."
^ Do you mean to impute deliberate falsehood to me V shrieked the
honourable member in question, who, as the reply was " I certainly
heard it," attempted to rush from the House with what was supposed to
be an extremely cold-blooded design, for the speaker's attention was
called immediately to the fact by an obviously important personage,
who might in Greece have been mistaken for King Otho inco^, " Does
he mean to impute deliberate falsehood to me V* cried the honourable
member again, as his friends were doing all in their power to exorcise
the rampant little devil that was within him.
" The honourable and gallant member," observed the speaker, *^ I am
sure, wiU perceive the necessity for doing that which the House has a
right to demand." But the honourable and gallant gentleman stubbornly
kept his seat. Member after member rose to beg of him to withdraw
the offensive imputation ; but his inflexibility was heroic ! He knew,
of course, that he should be compelled either at once to retract or to
lanzuish untH he did in the custody of the sergeant, who, with that pe-
culiar courtesy for which he had ever been distinguished, would have
been but too happy to afford him every accommodation ; but he felt
that his reputation for courage might be perilled, unless he firmly held
58 LIFE AjfD ADTEXTURES OF
out till the last. The speaker rose again and again to demand^ in his
peculiarly bland manner, the withdrawal of that expression which had
given so much pain ; but nothing could move the honourable and gallant
gentleman, until a personage with beautifully tinted cheeks proceeded to
make a well underatood motion, when he declared, what he could not
before hare declared, without involving his honour, that, in imputing
deliberate folsehood to the honourable member, he meant notinng at
all personally offensive, and here the matter ended.
An attempt was now made to recal the attention of honourable mem*
bcrs to business ; but as the majority of them manifested a strong dis-
inclination to attend to any thing of the sort, Valentine, on being urged
by Goodman, resolved upon releasing that majority from their legislative
functions for the night.
Accordingly, just as a prosy individual, who had evidently placed a
written speech in his hat, was trying to pick up the thread of the debate,
Valentine, throwing his voice under one of the galleries, cried, '* Ques-
tion!"
" Why, that is the question !" said the honourable member, who was
compelled again to look at the speech in his hat.
*' Let it be read by the clerk !*' shouted Valentine.
** Order, order, order !" said the speaker.
** Aye, give it to the clerk !" cried two juvenile senators.
^' Question ! question !" and the cry on one side of the House becom-
ing general, the hon. member indignantly resumed his seat.
At this moment two honourable members rose together, and the oalla
for both became general and loud. Both seemed extremely anxious to
speak, and therefore neither felt disposed, for some time, to give way. At
length, however, one of them yielded ; but he had no sooner done so,
than Valentine shouted out, *^ Down !'' which shout found at least a
hundred echoes, for in an instant nothing but **Down ! down ! down !**
could be heard. The honourable gentleman, however, still stood firmly,
and folded his arms with a look of defiance which seemed to enrage
about fifty other honourable members who had previously been silent,
but who now appeared to have caught a very sudden and severe cold, for
they began to cough and sneeze with unspeakable violence.
No sooner had this coughing and sneezing been added to the loud
shouts of '^ Down !" than several honourable gentlemen (kvoured the
company with a little howling ; and then a little yelling was heard,
and then admirable imitations of the languages peculiar to certain in-
teresting zoological curiosities, and then mingling cries of ** Order !'^
" Sliame !" and " Bravo !" and then a very violent clapping of hands,
and then loud and apparently hysterical laughter, until at length there
arose a mass of hideous sounds, to which nothing could be comparable
save those which might proceed from a den in which five hundred
maniacs were battling with a corresponding number of very wild beasts.
Valentine had no idea that a storm could have been raised so soon ;
indeed, he never imagined that mck a storm as that could have been
been raised there at all ; but as it had been raised, he very quietly pro-
VALENTINE VOX. 59
(seeded to analyse the body of sound by separating the various little in-
teresting noises of which it was coinpoeed.
Upon one of the benches sat a couple of highly intellectual individuals
who were naming the Speaker for the next harmony, by knocking hini
down for " a jolly good song," and behind them an honourable member
was seriously engaged in whetting the ghost of a knife upon a spectral
grindstone. A short distance from him sat a statesman promoting the
prosperity of the country in general, and the interests of his constituents
in particular, by buzzing through his teeth in imitation of that notorious
hurdy-gurdy which won't go to more than one tune, and what that in
its infancy might have been, it is utterly impossible to determine ; for,
having been played for so many years, it appears now to have been aU
most wholly worn away. A little farther on, a profound politician was
contending for the eternal nature of his principles by shouting, '^ Quack !
quack!" with an energetic feeling, which any duck in the universe
might naturally have envied. By his side sat a senator resolved on up-
holding the dignity of the crown by playing what by a stretch of the
imagination he had conceived to be a regular trombone, and immediately
above him one who might have been a Premier in embryo, was draw-
ing a lot of imaginary corks. Several aristocratic individuals under the
gadlery, who ought to have had " Ears pierced" painted over the doors
of their respective residences, were whistling with the shrillness of gods,
while a merry old boy who had several slips of paper stuck uuder the
collar of his coat, was playing what he conceived for that particular oc-
casion to be a Jew's harp, which, as a mere matter of justice it must be
admitted, he managed with senatorial subtlety and tact. On one of
the back benches sat a row of individuals, who being determined to
support the Agricultural Interest by ^^ a long pull, a strong pull, and a
pidl altogether," had imagined that they were bawling up an extremely
heavy anchor, and as each had his arms round the waist of the victim
immediately before him, they pulled each other backwards and forwards
in a line, shouting out with great energy '' Yeo heave ho !"
The great point of attraction, however ^that which tended more than
all to inspire Valentine vrith the conviction that he was then in the
midst of the collective wisdom of the nation, inasmuch as those around
him knew how to do everything was a section of politicians who had
formed themselves into a sort of a knot, and who not only seemed quite
resolved to do all in their power to contribute to the harmony of the
evening, but who absolutely did, to a sensible extent, succeed in swell-
ing the general sound. One was striving to obtain justice for Ireland,
by braying in the most natural manner possible : another was saving
the country from revolution by squealing ^' A week, week !" in humble
imitation of a juvenile pig oppressed : a third was avenging the insults
offered to the British flag by an extraordinary effort to crow like a cock : a
fourth ivaa sustaining the integrity of the empire by imparting an idea of
the sound of a French horn : a fifth was supporting the Established Church
by shouting perpetually, ^' Yoiks ! Tallyho !" a sixth pledged to pro-
ciue the abolition of military torture, was showing precisely how cat
60 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
caih to cat : a seventh was endeavouring to pat an end to the san-
gnuiary civil war in Spain, by oonverting his own hat and that of a
statesman who sat immediately before him into a couple of kettle-drums,
which he certainly continued to beat Mrith an energy that *^ nothing dse
could match :'' an eighth who had been pledged to the abolition of the
slave-trade was engaged in giving effect to a popular air: while a ninth
was endeavouring to impress upon the house the necessity for an
immediate extension of the suffrage by imparting to all around what he
conceived to be a highly correct notion of the moral and physical effects
of hydrophobia.
In vain the speaker, during these irregular proceedings, tried to show
that such conduct was not exactly consistent with the character of a
deliberative assembly; in vain he strove to direct the attention of
honourable members to the fact that the interests and the feelings of
the country in general could not be thus really represented: he thun-
dered forth '* Order/' and rose twenty times to enforce it in vain : his
presence was unlieeded, his authority contemned ; and he thereidie at
length sank back in his chair to view t)te scene with mingled feelings
of indifrnation and sorrow. Valentine felt fur the old gentleman, for he
appeared to be shedding tears ; and being therefore determined to put
an end to these proceedings if possible, he took advantage of a moment
when the throats of those who composed the first assembly of gentlemen
in the woM displayed symptoihs of exhaustion, and sent a moat
extraordinary cry of *^ Shame !'' into one of the reflectors, wliioh ap
peared for the moment to be under some supernatural influence, and
which caused the majority of the senators below to look up with
an expression of amazement.
As the noise became in consequence somewhat subdued, Valentine
raised another sepulchral cry of ^' Shame,*' which w*as heard with far
greater distinctness than the first, and which induced the identical old
gentleman who had been playing the imaginary Jew*s harp, and who
was evidently indignant at this strange interruption, to rise with the
yiew of directing attention to an extraordinary fact one of which he
xeally appeared to have had no previous knowledge namely, that of
there being strangers in the gallery ! The very moment this honourable
gentleman rose, a loud burst of laughter drowned every other sound ;
tor the whole house perceived that an humble petition had been
cut into slips, and not only secured by the collar of his coat, but stuck
firmly with wafers all over his back, reaching even below his expansive
eoat-tails. Of this the honourable member of course was unconsotoixs ;
but as his object had been gained in so far as that the noise had been
renewed, he very quietly sat down with the view of playing a few more
popular and interesting tunes, with the instrument which he concmved
he held tightly between bis gums.
He was, however, soon interrupted again, for an honourable member
who had made many inefiectual attempts to obtain a hearing, taking
advantage of a temporary suppression of noise, rose to move an adjourn-
ment. The motion was followed by shouts of ^' No, no !" and a reaUy
extnwrdinary species of yelling; but as the honourable member declared
TALBNTINE VOX. 61
thftt he was detenoined to take the sense of the house, to the utter
astonishment of Valentine, who could not conceive where the sense
conld he found ^the adjouroment was agreed to without a division, and
the immediate rush towards the door was tremendous.
As soon as the coast hecame sufficiently clear, Goodman and his
left the house and proceeded homewards ; hut while the feeling
which prevailed in the bosom of the former was that of unqualified de-
light, that which reigned in the breast of the latter was one of unmingled
and boundless surprise.
CHAPTER X.
IN WHICH GOODMAN IS HONOURED WITH A PECULIAR VISIT, AND
SUBSEQUENTLY SEIZED IN THE MOST MYSTERIOUS MANNER POSSIBLE.
Without presuming to enter those peculiarly chaotic regions Geology
might tempt the imagination to explore w^itliout, indeed, going any
fiuther back than the days of Adam and Eve it may with safety be
asserted^-taking for a point that interesting period of our history when
young Creation beat old Chaos hollow that of all the destructive wars
which have afflicted mankind, the War of Attachments has raged with
the greatest constancy and fierceness. From the birth of the sun,
moon, and stars, to the deluge, from the deluge to tlie commencement of
the Christian era, and from thence to the period of the publication of
these adventures, the attachments have been savagely cutting each
others' throats scourging, smothering, and torturing eacli other in every
oonceivable variety of forms in a word, all the evils with which man
has been cursed are attributable solely to this War of the Attachments.
Now, in proportion as Goodman's attachment to Valentine increased,
his attacliment to his amiable relatives diminished : in fact, the one was
very quietly smothering the other when those relatives in turn formed
certain new attachments which they conceived might promote the great
object they had in view.
One heavenly morning, about twelve o'clock, when the leaves of the
aspen were shivering in the breeze, when the cows were each moment
erpecting to be milked, and when, Valentine having been sent to the
bankers, Goodman was reading in his library alone, the servant entered
with a couple of highly glazed cards, which bore the following remark-
able ]iisoriptions-*-2r. Emanuel W, Batelemmity and Dr. Dionysius
DOBB.
** Dr. Emanuel W. Bowlemout ? Bowlemout Bowlemout" said
Goodman, considering *' Dr Dionysius Dobb? Dobb? Dobb?
I have not the slightest knowledge of these gentlemen. Ask them to
walk in."
While the servant was seducing the two doctors out of the parlour,
62 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
Goodman lead the cards again and again, conceiving that their names
might strike their full length portraits on his memory.
^' Good morning, sir," profoundly observed a remarkably short and
apoplectic individual, who appeared to have been afflicted with the
dropsy from his youth.
^^ Good morning," said Goodman, waving his hand towards a couple
of chairs, of which the doctors took possession.
" My name is Bowlemout," observed the dropsical person '* My
friend. Dr. Day."
Goodman bowed and placed the cards upon the table.
** You are quite well, I hope?" said Dr. Emanuel W. Bowlemout.
^ Perfectly," said Goodman, '* thank Crod, I never had a day's illness
in my life."
Dr. Bowlemout looked at Dr. Dobb, who cocked his chin upon his
stick, and eyed Goodman intently.
^' May I," observed Goodman, after waiting in silence for some const-*
derable time ^' May I enquire the object of this visit V
'^ Most certainly, my dear sir," replied Dr. Bowlemout, looking
again at Dr. Dobb, who still continued to sit like a statue in mourning
for some dear friend ^' It may, my dear sir, appear somewhat extraor-
dinary that we should have called upon you thus without a previous
introduction: but it is perhaps in these cases quite as well quite.*'
And Dr. Bowlemout looked once more at Dr. Dobb, who did conde-
scend then to nod, by way of signifying that that observation had met
his views precisely.
CKodman was still unable to imagine what the object of these gentle-
men could be; but he ventured to suppose that he should know in good
time, and therefore waited for its natural developement with patience,
while those gentlemen were viewing him with what he conceived to be
an expression of pity.
^ Do me the &vour," at length said Dr. Bowlemout, placing his finger
delicately npon Goodman's wrist, as his hand rested upon the tabl^
*' allow me."
*' Gentlemen !" said Goodman firmly, withdrawing his hand. ^^ You
have honoured me with a visit, and you have, I presume, some object
in view : need I add that I consider it necessary for that object to be
explained V*
^^ Wliy, my dear sir," replied Dr. Bowlemout, '' the fact is, we have
called at the request of certain intimate friends of yours, who fancy that
you have not been looking quite so well of late to ascertain the precise
state of your general health."
^* Indeed !*' said Gt)odman smiling, '^ I ought to be exceedingly
obliged to those friends. May I know to whom I am indebted to
this extraordinary act of kindness.
'^ Why that, my dear sir, is a matter of extreme delicaqr," replied
Bowlemout. *' Yon will perceive that they are naturally apprehensive
that they might be deemed too officious" ^too fond of parading their
firiendship."
*^ They," said Goodman, ^* who imagine that I should ful to appre-
ciate this or any other act of kindness, can know me but imperfectly.
VALENTINE VOX. 63
There surely can be no serious objecdou to theii names being men-
tioned?"
^^ I really^" said Dr. Bowlemout, *' do not feel justified in naming
tbem."
" No, no, no !" gruffly exclaimed Dr. Dobb. " There is no necessity
for that sort of thing."
^^ I can perceive no necessity for the other sort of thing," observed
Goodman somewhat piqued at the roughness of Dr. Dobb. ^'This
visit I trust did not originate in any idle curiosity ?"
^'Oh! not at all! not at all, my dear sir; not at all!" cried Dr.
Bowlemout, *' God bless me, no^ not at all !"
'^ Then gentlemen," said Goodman, ^^ I am able to inform those ex-
ceedingly kind friends through you, that I am capable of forming a
judgment on the state of my own health "
"That's the point! ^the very point!" interrupted Dr. Bowlemout,
turning to Dr. Dobb, who gave several short nods.
" W hat's the point Y' enquired Goodman.
" That men are not always able to form such a judgment," growled
Dr. Dionysius Dobb. " You for instance may be afflicted with one of
the moet serious maladies that are incident to the human frame without
being in the slightest degree conscious of the fact. Have yon heard
by-the-bye from your friend the emperor lately ?"
" I am perhaps,** said Goodman after a pause- during which Dr.
Bowlemout gave Dr. Dobb certain slight but mysterious winks ^^ I
am perhaps bound to presume that your object is not to insult me V
" Oh ! dear me, no, not at all !" cried Dr. Bowlemout.
^* I must say that that question appears to me to be extraordinary-
indeed, the whole proceeding is of so strange a character, that I scarcely
know even now what to make of it. Have you any thing more to
say, gentlemen ?"
" Why, there are," said Dr. Bowlemout, " two or three points upon
which I should like to be informed. You are related, I believe to the
Royal FamUy ?"
'^ Sir !" thundered Goodman, and his eyes flashed with all their
wonted fire. " Old as I am, I am not a man to be insulted with impunity.''
" Calm yourself : come, come, my dear sir, be cool !" said Dr.
Bowlemout.
^' Cool, sir !" cried Goodman, '^ do you take me for an idiot ? Think
jon that I'll consent to be made the sport of fools ? Who sent you ?
Were you in fact sent at all ? If you were, why do you not, like men "
^' Mr. Valentine has returned," said the servant, who, after knocking
fiir some time, had entered. " He wishes to know, sir, if he may speak
with you."
" Yes," said Goodman, " tell him I want him," and Valentine who
was then at the door, walked in.
" My dear boy," said Goodman, '^ I have been grossly insulted, I
never was before so insulted as I have been by these two pefsons of
wliom I have no sort of knowledge."
^ We simply asked him," said Bowlemout, ^ if he were not related
to the Royal Family ?"
64 LIFR AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX.
*^ And whyaak bo ridicalousa question?'' said Valentine, with one of
his peculiarly piercing glances.
"Because," replied Dr. Bowlemout, "we were informed that he
claimed the Bntish crown "
" And what if you were thus informed ? "What, if even he had such
a claim, would it interfere with any claim of yours? What have you
to do with the matter ? what is it to you ? Have you," added Va-
lentine, addressing Goodman, "any desire to detain ihcBe gentlemen f
" None whatever," replied Goodman : *' on the contrary, I wish them
gone."
" Tlien you will probably walk with me at once to the door," ob-
served Valentine to the gentlemen in question, who still kept their seats.
" We came here, young man," said Dr. Bowlemout pompously, " to
perform a public duty ; and we shall ^o when we please."
*' Then, if you do,'* rejoined Valentine, " you must please to go im-
mediately."
" Why ?" thundered Dr. Dionysius Dobb.
" Because, if you do not," replied Valentine, " I shall be compelled
to make you go before you please.''
At this moment a laughing duett of derision burst from Drs.
Bowlemout and Dobb. They soon, however, found that they had
made a slight mistake in their estimate of Valentine's character, for on
the instant he seized Dr. Bowlemout by the collar, and without the
smallest difficulty brought him to the ground. The moment Dr.
Bowlemout was down. Dr. Dobb sprang at Valentine with the ferocity
of a tiger, and Goodman sprang at him ; but before he had time to
reach him, Valentine, who was then on one knee, caught hold of the
legs of Dr. Dobb, and threw him cleverly over Dr. Bowlemout's back.
" Keep the fat one down !" shouted Valentine. " Don't let him stir !
I'll come back for him in a moment." And he proceeded to drag Dr.
Dobb to the door, which he opened, and having thrown him into the
street, closed it again, and ran back for the other.
" Now, sir !" said Valentine to Dr. Bowlemout, who was panting for
breath, and seemed nearly exhausted, "Do you wish to be thrown
headlong after your friend, or will you walk ?"
Of the two, Bowlemout decidedly preferred the latter mode of pro-
ceeding, and hastened at once to the door; but tlie moment he had
reached the step in safety, he turned round, and scowling at Goodman,
cried, with all the breath he appeared to have in his body, " Oh I you
shall suffer for this 1 we'll have our revenge !" and Valentine pushed
him off the step, and closed the door.
About half an hour after the departure of these gentlemen, Walter
and Horace looked in to invite Goodman to meet a few friends at their
house, in the eveninc;.
To them he ezplamed what had occurred, and they expressed their
astonishment with extraordinary warmth He also explained that he
and Valentine were just about to start for Gravesend, at which they
appeared to be equally surprised ; and after having ascertained the pre-
cise time the boat started, they hastily quitted the house.
Q5
CHAPTER XI.
THE MYSTERIOUS SEIZURE ^A GENTLEMAN DROWNED IN IMAGINATION
FIRST APPEARANCE OP VALENTINE UPON TUB STAGE OF THE
ITALIAN OPERA.
When Goodman had adjusted the week's aocmnolation of papers, he
and Valentine walked Idsurely towards Comhill, but as he had some
little busiuess to transact in the immediate vicinity of the Bank, he sent
Valentine forward to amuse himself iox half an hour, on the steam-
packet wharf.
Before the half hour had expired, Goodman had completed the busi-
niBflB on hand, and as he felt that he might still be in time for the three*
o'clock boat, he walked rather briskly towards the quay from which it
taiied. He had scarcely, however, tumod into Fish-^treet-Hill, when
^wo powerful looking fellows hastily crossed from the oppotdte side, and
placed themselves indmediately before him.
*^ Fine day, sir," said one of these persons in a singularly rough heavy
tone.
^^ It is a fine day," observed Goodman, endeavouring to pass them,
* a very fine day."
** You'd better have a ride along with us, sir," said the fellow, sdzing
Gioodman*s right arm.
'^ What do you mean, man 4" cried Goodman, as he strove to wring
his ann from l^e fellow's firm grasp.
*' Why on'y that we're going to take a quiet country ride, and we
wants you to obleedge us with your companv, that's all ;" and a coach,
Uiat haul beeii waiting on the opposite side, drew up to tlie spot on tho
instant.
^ In Heaven's name !" exclaimed Goodman, who had become much
alarmed '' what can all this mean?" and again he made an effort to dis-
engage his arm^ but found it held as firmly as though it had been in a
vioe.
" Come, come, you know, be quiet; it an't o' no use, you know : none
o' your tricks; it won't do," said the ^ow.
^^ My good man," cried Goodman, ^' you are labouring under some
airange mistake, indeed, indeed you are mistaken.'^
*^J?ot a bit of it," srowled tbe fellow, "not a ha'porth! your
name's Goodman, an't itl Mr. Grimwood Goodman ?"
" It certaioly b, but"
" Oh ! it's all right ! the fus cousin to the Emp'ror of Chany, you
know ! ^now if so oe as you want to be treated like a genelman, youll
get in at once, without any more bones."
" But I will not get in !" exclaimed Goodman.
" Well," said the fellow, calmly, " there's not the least compulsion in
life, you know, on'y you must."
K
W LIFB iiHD ADVBNTURES OF
^; What^*'-*what does it mean, sir ? wheie is your authority loi this
monstrous proceeding V*
' *^ Oh) we have got lots of authority," cried the Callow ; aad his assis-
tant proceeded to let down the steps, while the coachman held open the
dooivi
^^ Help I help ! " shouted Goodman, as a &;entleman passed. '' For
Heaven's sake, save me from these ruffians !
*' What's all this ahout ?" said the gentleman, approaching.
^' I'is all rights sir ; all quite reg'lar," replied the fellow, fimt tapping
his forehead, and then placing his thumb by the side of his nose, ^^ yoa
understand ?"
^ Poor fellow !*' exclaimed the gentleman in acowts of pity.
" My good sir, but heat me, ^pray hear me !" cried Qoodman.
*'Oo quietly, there's a dear man," said the gentlemaii, evidently
affected. '^ It is all for the best ; these persons will not harm 3F0U,
indeed ithf^ will Bot*-ome, come."
* ^ Sir !'/' exclaimed Goodman '^ Oh ! hear me explain ! stay, stay
but lor w^ inslant !-*^stay mr, if you are a christian !" but the gentleman^
mho i^ppeaied bo be in haste, sighed deeply while a tear stood m his ey^
and pa^ed on.
1 1 ^Now, are we to clap on a jacket or not!" cried the fellow^ who
began to be impatient.
^fGtod God!" exclaimed Goodman ^^wiU no one assist me?
Help! Mp ! For the love of Heaven ! Help 1 help !" he repeated ia
tones the most piercing, while he struggled with all the strength at his
fommand. He was, however, but as a child in the grasp, of a giant;
lor the principal ruffian at once thrust him into the coach, in which
Goodman, the benevolent warm-hearted Goodman, sunk back and
immediately fainted.
While this most extraordinary seizure was being made, Valentine was
waiting with much impatience at the wharf. The packet by which
they were to have started had left, and the latest, which had immediately
after glided like a swan to the spot, was filling fast. It being Saturday^
hundreds of persons, consisting chiefly of merchants, warehousemen, and
clerks, whose families annually reside at Gravesend three weeks or a
month, hastened down with the view of joining those families that
night, and returning to business early on Monday morning. With
thMe persons almost every seat upon deck was soon occupied. Some
b^pan to peruse the weekly journals, some to arrange tlie papers with
whieh their pockets had been filled, while others, with their arms folded
under their coat-tails, were thoughtfully watching the progress of the
tide.
At length the men on board began to bustle about the deck, and the
captain mounted one of the boxes by which the paddles were partially
4mncealed, and commenced giving orders about the adjustment of certain
ropes. As every motion was now indicative of an immediate start,
Valentine at once rushed on board, feeling certain that he must luive
'missed Goodman in the crowd. He searched the deck and cabin^ how-
aver, in vain; and as he looked with anxiety from the side of the veasdy
VALBNTIMB VOX. 07
to asoertain if Goodman were coming, the Captain gave his orders to
let the boat go.
^^Bnt one moment!' cried Valentine, addresang the Captain. *^ I
expect a friend here in an instant."
" Time's up, sir ; can't stop," said the Captain. "Now, my lads, oome^
look alive T' and his people began to nnfesten the ropes, when Valen-
tine leaping npon the barge to which the vessel had been seoared,
resolved on detaining her a few moments longer.
** Captain !" shouted Valentine, making his voice proceed aippai^ntly
from a little wooden watch-box of an office, adorned with ^^ing red
and blue placards.
" Hollo !' cried the Captain.
'' Yon are wanted in the office !" shouted Valentine*
" Why, -we're off ! ^who wants me ?"
*'One of the proprietors. Here ! you must come !"
" Blow one of the proprietors !" growled the indignant Caqptain, 'Mf
taee, ^ Here, old fast a bit ; I wonder what's the matter now/' And
he jumped from the deck upon the landing barge, and prooeedei
towards the office, with a countenance expressive of anything but
delight. ' )
Valentine again looked most anxiously for Goodman, and just as he
saw some one nastening towards the whaif whom he conceived mig^ be
him, the gallant Captain returned, and after kecking aside every man
who stood in his way, shouted, " Who wtw it said I was wanted ? I
should just like to know," he added gruffly, on receiving no answer.
"I'm blowed if I wouldn't pitch him right overboard hangT and
having scrambled to the top of the paddle-box, again gave the signal for
starting.
Valentine, however, being determined to give Goodman a Ibw
minutes more^ no sooner heard the well known signal given, than
sending his voice under the stem of the vessel shouted. " Help I help!
a boat^ a boat ! Help ! help 1 help !" so loudly, that in a moment the
persons who were standing on the wharf joined in the cry simultaneously
with the passengers on boicird. Down dashed the boat which had been
bawled up to the stem, with a force which must have killed any man
out and out if one had happened to have been there ; while other boats
instantly came to the spot, and every available rope was in immediate
requisition. The boats darted round and round the vessel, in vain,
followed by the eyes o{ the passengers, who appeared to be in a state of
great excitement, while the steam was hissing, panting, and snovUng
vnth as mnch angry violence aa if it had been perfectly cogniHmt of the
tnck.
" Poor soul r exclaimed a stout old gentleman, who stood upon the
barge, " he has sunk, I fear, to rise no more V
" Help ! Here, here, here !" shouted Valentine, and away the boats
^w to the spot from which the sound appeared to proceed, while the
passengers mshed from side to side with the most painful anxiety.
" Where, where are you V cried one of the boatmen. " My good
fellow now, now ! give another hail ! ^where are you V
^8 LIFE AND ABVBKTVBE8 OF
" Here T* cried Valentine.
'' Starn ! atom !" shouted the Captain, in haste. '' Look aUve r
And away went the hoats agasn astern. ^Have yon got him ?** he
inquired of the men ; ^^ have yon got him f " But tho r^y wa% *^ if
We could hat only see him we shonldn^t caie.'^
*^ Make haste !" shouted Valentine.
" Where ?" cried the Captain, " where, where, my poor fettow-^vdievB
are you?**
^On the wheel," exclaimed Valentine, faintly.
*^ Hold on but a moment ! now, now, my lads now ! to the whsd;
now, hurrah !" cried the Captam, whose eyes at onoe sparkled witb
joy, for he felt that he should saye the poor fellow at last.
^ Move ahead !" cried Valentine, assuming the voice of a lad whom
he had heard giye the order before, and the wheels on the instant dashed
violently round amidst a general shout of horror!
The wheels were stopped ; the foam subsided ; but the voioe was
heard no more. The passengers looked at each other aghast. The
Captn stared at the boy and the boy stared at the Captain; but
tieither of them uttered a word -indeed, for several minutes a death^^ifae
'silence prevailed, and the general conviction was, that the wheel had
dashed down the unfortunate man, who had become too much exhausted
to rise again to the surface.
Valentine again looked round for his gnardian, but agam was most
grievously disappointed. The vessel was then half an hour behind
time ; and as ho felt that it would be useless to detain her any longer,
lie made up his mind to let her go. The men in the boats were still
watching the surface of the river intently ; the Captain was ezplauiw
to the boy what he had done, and the boy was declaring to the soepticu
Captain that the order to move a-head had not proceeded from him,
while the passengers and the persons who stood upon the barge weie
relating to each other how the poor fellow struggled as they saw him
in imagination go down ; and descanting veiy freely upon all that was
known of the characteristics peculiar to a watery grave.
The Captain, at length, feeling that nothing more could be done for
the ** poor fellow," again prepared to start, and Valentine, in order to
relieve his mind, sent a loud shout of laughter immediately behind him.
The effect was electrical. Nothing could exceed the astonishment dis^
played by the Captain. He turned sharply round, with a bosom
swelling with indignation, in order to ascertain what manner of maa he
could be who thus had the cold Uooded inhumanity to langli nt so
awAil a moment as that.
^^It was only a joke!*' exclaimed Valentine.
^ A joke !" cried the Captain, indignantly, *' a joke !'*
** Why, yes, I wasn't overboard at all!" shouted Valentine. ^I
only made believe !"
^^Made believe f' cried the Captain, looking scomfrilly towards the
quarter from which the sound appeared to proceed. *' Who is it that
'Spoke? who only made bdieve? Ill give a crown out of my own
pocket to know ! for that man, if he was even the king of Enghuid,
TALKNTXKfi YOZ. eV
should not femain aboard of my bo&t anothcf instant. I'd make him
go adioie if I woiddn't teAo was it V
As tiii inhmnan person in question refused to teiply^ and as the
mdigsant Captain found it impoesihle to disoov^ the deiiiiquenty ho
with evident reluctance acain gave the sienal for starting, when the
Tessel was released from her moorings, and glided majesficaUy down
witii the tada.
The yeiy moment the boat was out of sight, Valentine started to the
Ksidenoe of the citissen upon whom Ckodman had called, on his way to
I9i8 wbar^ and having there ascertained that he had left in great haste,
he proceeded home fencyiug that something of importance might have
occurred to induce his guardian to return. On hearing, however, that
he had not returned, he concluded at once that he must have started by
the first boat, unseen in the crowd, and after allowing the servant to
brine; up the tray with some cold beef and salad, heb^n to think how
he should amuse himself until the morning, when he intended to follow
by the earliest boat.
No sooner had he finished his meal and drank a couple of glasses of
port, which bad been left in the decanter, than Horace arrived in a
state of great excitement, to enquire if within the last hour his father
had been there 7 On beinff informed that he had not, his excitement
increased, but on learning 3iat Yalentine had just returned alone, he
emiled with intense satisfaction, and entered the parlour at once.
^ Weil, my youi^ ancient 1 cried Horace, ^^ why, I thought you
wove off to the aristocratic regions of Gravesend i"
** I did start for that purpose," said Valentine, but I unfortunately
niBsed your unde."
^Ofcourse! Why you didn't expect any other thing, did you ? It's
just like the old undeniaUe. He and my governor in that little par-
ticttlar are just as much alike as two wheel-barrows. Only let'em slip,
and i^tnefy go inHmd-out, in-and-out, like a couple of crocodiles, and if you
tfvercaioh so much as a sight of 'em again, why you must have an eye
like a Flanders' bride. But I say, my little antediluvian, haven't you
net a glass of wine to give a fellow ? Where does old owe-nothing keep
hr
^* Upon my word I don't know, but Ann will get us some, doubt-
less," replied Valentine, ringing the belL
'* Aye that's tiie very cs^ observed Horace, *^ for I'm about fit to
drop." And he cocked his legs deliberately upon the table* ^^ I say,
my Serapfaina," he continued as Ann entered the room, ^' h^e's a dreadful
state of mind for a bottle to be in 1 come, give it a beUy-foU ^ someihing,
oldgiii"
I%e order was confirmed by a nod firom Valentine, and a b^tie of
port was brought up witli the corkscrew, when Horace first pronounced
Ann to be an out-and-outer, and then seizing a carving lanfe^ with
whidi he cracked the shoulder of the bottle, very dexterously wrung
te long neck off.
^ Dear me, Mr. Horace !" exclaimed Ann, ^^ how I vrish you'd draw
the corks, you do make such a mess."
70 tIFS AND ADVBNTVRfiS OF
** Bring us another glass, my old giit/' said HoTBce, who, on its being
brought, added, ^ now youll know how mnch better it tastes in this
way, ' and as Ann expressed a great disinclination to try it, he simply
threw her down upon the sofa, when, having kissed her and forced her
to swallow the wine, he laughed at her indignation, and allowed her to
retire.
*^ It strikes me with just about the force of a sledse-hammer,'' said
Horace, after having replenished his glass three times without relinquish-
ing the bottle for a moment, ^^ that you are neither more nor less than
an out-and-out brick. Now what do you dream of doing with your
body to-night?"
" I scarcely know," replied Yalentine.
*' Wen then, I'll tell you what it is ; just cock 3rourself comfortably
under my care, and 111 show you a little of life."
** But I fancied," observed Yalentine, ^^ that you were going to have
a party to-night."
'* And so we are," returned Horace, " but you don't suppose that I'm
such an out-and-out flat as to join them, do you ? If uncle had been
going, why I must then have stuck there of course, for he's such an
excruciating old file, that he couldn't be happy without me ; but as
he'll not, you know, be there at all, don't suppose that I'm going to waste
the evening with a parcel of jolly old dummies, some mumbling about
the weather, some growlin? about the high price of bees-wax, some
whining about the anti-dimmishable character of the national debt, and
others showing how a jolly revolution might be averted by allowing
pickled cabbage to be imported in the raw. A rubber's the very utmost
to which they could be goaded, and then the/re such vride awake vna^
mint, you can't even so much as palm a card without being told of it,
which happens to be about the very thing I most hate. W hy, then,
should I join a crew of this particular kidney, unless indeed I wanted to
cut the throat of time, or to commit an act of self smotheration ? It is
true I shall have tea with'em just for the wetness of the thing, and then
of course I bolt ; so if you like, you know, to place yourself under my
care, I shall just put you up to a thing or two that isn't known to here
and there one."
^* Oh, I shall be most happy," observed Valentine.
*^ Well then, we'll finish this bottle, and stop just an hour at home, and
then we'll run a regular trump to earth, who can take us where you never
were before. But remember, when I light my cheroot, and you see the
old out-and-outers cocking up their jolly old noses, leave the room, and
ril be after you with all the alacrity of a bum."
Accordingly, the bottle was emptied, almost solely by Horace, and
they proceeded to the house of his father, where they found half a dozen
disagreeable old shrews whose husbands were expected to join them
after tea.
** Have you seen your fother, Horace ?" enquired Mrs. Qtodman.
*^ No," replied Horace, who winked at his dear and anxious mother,
and drew her towards the window, where they kept up for some time a
low conversational whisper.
TAL^ITINE VOX. 7t
^^ There he is 1" ezchumed Mrs. Horace Goodman.
'' Not a bit of it, I know," said Horace, '' that isn't the old bufFer's
knock/'
**" I know it is,'' obserred Mrs. Goodman junior.
'^ I tell yon it is not," cried Horace, snappishly, '' I think I ought to
know. He'd never give such an out-and-out know-nothing tat-a-rat, rat-
a-tat business as that. It's somebody tliat's just got over a soft single
knock, and now doesn't know exactly. when to leave off."
At this moment Walter entered . as pale as a ghost, and, on catch-
ing the eye of Valentine, gave . an involuntary shudder. Qe rallied,
however, in an instant ; . but on extending his hand, Valentine found that
it trembled violently.
As soon as Mrs. Goodman could conveniently manage it, she whis-
pered, *'^ Is it done T' and on receiving an intimation in the affirmative,
she communicated the fact to Mrs. Horace Goodman, and it appeared
to be highly satisfactory to both.
Tea was then brought up at once, and the whole party drew round
the table ; but it was easily perceptible by all, that Walter had on his
mind something which bid defiance to tranquillity. When addressed on
any subject he spoke with affected gaiety and smiled, but in an instant
his brow again sank, and his features became sullen and rigid as before.
As Horace had described, it would have been dull work indeed, to
^end the evening in the society of the persons there assembled. There
was talking, it is true, a great quantity of talking, but not a single word
^na uttered in an hour, worth remembering a minute.
As soon, therefore, as this weary tea afl'air was over, Horace pulled
out his case, and b^an to wet a cheroot by rolling it over his tongue
with peculiar rapidity.
^^ You are not going to smoke," observed Mrs. Goodman junior.
^* These ladies, Tm sure, will not mind it," said Horace.
*^ Oil ! certainly not !"* simultaneously exclaimed the majority of the
ladies, at the same time bringing out their scent-bottles to prepare for
the infliction.
^' Mrs. Shre well cannot bear it, I know," said the junior Mrs. Good-
man.
^^ Oh, never mind me !" cried that amiable lady.
** If that's the case," said Horace, " why of course"
** Dear me, no ! by no means ! I never allow Mr. Shrewell to smoke,
but I don't at all mind it. On the contrary I think it rather pleasant
than not"
*' Of course !" exclaimed Horace, who well knew that the old lady
would cough with sufiBcient violence to make her black in the face in
five minutes. " Of course !" and after pulling out a peculiar description
of lncifer,'the nipping of which sent fortli a viSanous odour, he proceeded
to ignite his cheroot.
'Diis being the signal for starting, Valentine gladly left the room, and
was instantly followed by Horace and his cheroot, to the unspeakable
gratification of those amiable ladies of whom he was anything but
ardently enamoured.
72 LIFB AKD ADTBNTUBBa OF
^* Now/' said HoiGe ^^ let ns be oflT/' and aeooidmgly he and yafen
tine started in the direction of the Haymarket^ both highly pleaaed at
having eecaped*
^ It strikes me," said Hoiaoe, on reaching Leioester-squaie* ^* thai
we shall just be in time for old Leatherlungs ; and if so, you'll hare a
bit of a treat to beffin with.'*
^' Who's Leathenungs V enqnired Valentine.
** That's only his professional name," replied Horace. ^^ His real
name is Growlaway. He's in the Opera chorus, and a r^[ular tmmp
he is too : this is the crib he patronises." And Valentine was dragged
into a little dirty pot-house, and eyentually reached a dark room at the
back.
At first he was able to distinguish nothing, for in addition to the
room being dark, it was densely filled with smoke, while a circular ven-
tilator was rattling round and round at the rate of full thirty miles an
hour. Horace, however, at once grasped the hand of a man who was
smoking a remarkably long pipe, and when Valentine had been formally
intiodnced to this gentleman, they all sat down cosily together.
*^ Well, what are you going to stand V was the nrst question asked
by Mr. Ghrowlaway.
** Just whatever you like," replied Horace. ^^ What have yon been
drinkinff ?
' Half and half," said Mr. Growlaway.
^* That I can't stand,'' observed Horace. ^^ Let's have some brandy-
and*water," and the chorister's eyes sparkled, and he pulled away at his
pipe with additional perseverance, until the brandy-and-water arrived,
when he as nearly as poenble swallowed the whole without taking his
lips from the glass.
^^ We want to go behind the scenes," said Horace. ^^ You can manage
it for us, can't you V
" Why," said Mr. Growlaway, ** they're getting so nasty particular,
one doesn't know how to act. x on must take your chance, you know.
Follow me right in. If you attempt to look round, you are done, for
the/11 know in a moment you don't belong to the house."
'^ All right," said Horace.
^' But luid we not better pay at once ?" enquired Valentine.
Horace smiled at his simplicity, and explained that no money was
taken at the door they were to enter ; and it having been eventually
arranged that they should follow the steps of Mr. Growlaway, Valentine
paid for the brandy-and-water out of a well filled purse, which Growl-
away no sooner saw than he suddenly recollected that he was going to
have a benefit on the following Monday evening, at the Bull's-eye and
Rat-trap Tavern, at the same time pulling out a bundle of tickets, five
of which Valentine felt compelled to purchase, at the remarkably small
chaige of half a sovereign, and they then proceeded at once to the stage
door of the Italian Opera.
Having passed the gate at the end of the hall, Mr. Growlaway inti-
mated that all was quite safe, and they leisurely proceeded along a
narrow dirty passage, which happened to be dimly illumined here and
TAIENTTNB VOX. 73
llicw ^tfi tile reinains of a narrow candle, deliberately stmkuig in the
flobket of a tall tin lamp.
On arriving at the end of this passage they ascended a ft)W stain
%liich led to a vnde open space, in which certam painted people dis*
gained as Brigands, and Peasants, and Spanish noblemen, and Tnrks^
were promenading. At the back sat a number of persons with their
ahirt-sleeves tnckcd up drinking porter, wliiie above were suspended
imAimerablo pulleys and ropes and ragged slips of painted canvass. On
tlM left of tliis space stood what Valentine at first sight conceived to be
m tall iron column, but which was in reality a round flight of cast iron
atepa, and the gaily dressed people who were perpetually ascending,
tnaparted the idea of a regiment of butterflies nmning up a corkscrew.
" Now then," said Growlaway, darting up this singular flight of steps,
and Horace and Valentine followed as fost as possible, and after twiriing
round until they were perfectly giddy, they turned into a little fll^y
room near the roof, in which about twenty individuals were dressing.
lii this room Valentine at once seated himsdf upon the edge of an
old chair with one arm and no bottom, which stood by the side of an
imeitai washing stand, the top of which was secnred to the legs* with
what might in its infancy have been a towel, twisted tightly and iir*
gearibttsly hito the similitude of a rope, while in the hole stood a basin
with about half a brim, which was occasionally supplied widi water
from a brown stone jug, which happened to have neitlier a handle nor a
Spout.
As soon as the giddiness occasioned by the twirling ascent had gone off,
Tafentlne directed his attention to the proceedings of the professional
gttitlemen present, whose attitudes few could have failed to admire,
ne was endeavouring to perfect himself in the bass part of the opening
clKnis, by leaning over a book and singing the notes with infinite spirit,
and certainly looked extremely cool and interesting^ seeing that at that
pafdeular time he had nothing on but his shirt ; another, in precisely
the same costume with the exception of a pair of purple stockings, was
engaged in making really desperate efforts to act ; a third who had
nearly completed his disguise, was splitting his habiliments in all direc-
tions, while striving to pull on a remarkable couple of buff cut-throat
boots, which appeared to be about seven sizes too small ; a fourth was
jnmping into a pair of pantaloons which might have been built for a
twenty-stone Dutchman ; a fifth who had dressed for a high-bom
Spaniard, and who looked like a journeyman tinker ineftffy was adjusting
the mantle of another noble person, who, in order that no time might be
lost, was eating the remains of a cold pork-chop, which he had brought
rith bread and mustard in the crown of his hat
In the middle of the room stood a table, round which several other
professional gentlemen were engaged in giving the last tranquil touches
to their formidable countenances, which resuly as a whole looked ex-
tremely picturesque. One was arching his eyebrows with a piece of
btimt cork ; another was bringing out his nose by drawing black zigzag
lines on either side with a pieoe of smoked wire ; another, being a peasant,
wiA establishing upon his long upper lip an exact representation of a
74 LIFE AND ADYBNTURES OF
pair of military moustaches ; another was laying on his cheeks with a
rabbit's foot, a thick coat of red brickdust upon a waistcoat of pomatum ;
another was endeavouring to adjust a judge's wig, which had adorned
the heads of a thousand professional gentlemen before him, while another
was transforming a waggoner's hat into the perfect similitude of an
Italian noble's, by carefiilly pinning the brim up in front, and making
an additional hole in the crown for the reception of a long peacock's
feather.
*^ Will you not dress and go on ?" enquired Horace, when Valentine
had feasted his eyes on this scene, ^' you will not get a view of the house
imless you do."
** Oh, with all my heart !" replied Valentine, who seemed rather to
like the idea than not.
**Of course!" observed Horace, throwing towards him a pair of
yellow tights, which he had taken from a heap. *' On with 'em and
then you'll enjoy your noble self."
*^ But I'd rather not strip," said Valentine, approving of the cut of
the tights by no means.
" Well, tuck up your trowsers, and wind this affair round your
calves" said one who appeared to be the master of the ceremonieSy
throwing several yards of red and blue worsted binding, which was
intended to convey to some distance a silken idea ^ you can as well be
a brigand as not."
Accordingly up went the trousers above the knee, and round went
the blue and red binding, when a jacket with spangles was selected and
put on, and the man who had been fetching the professional gentlemen
broad and cheese and half-and-half, politely offered to make up the face
of the brigand.
As soon as this interesting operation had been performed, the overtnie
commenced, and the call-boy came up to announce the important fact, con-
ceiving probably that the whole of the professional gentlemen might sud-
denly have been seized with total deafness. Valentine just caught a glance
of himself, and a beautiful brigand he fancied he looked ! He then turned
round to exhibit to Horace, but the chair in which Horace had been
sitting, was at that moment occupied by ^' a malignant and a turban'd
Turk," tying up liis garters. He had no time to make farther scrutiny
then, being pressed towards the door by the professional group ; he
therefore, conceiving that he should find his companion below, rushed
down the iron stair-case with the stream, and having remained at the
side until the curtain drew up, tucked a little plump peasant girl under
his arm and gracefully made his debut.
It happened to be one of the grand nights of the season, and the
house had an exceedingly brilliant effect. All the boxes were fuU, and
while the people appeared to be dovetailed into the pit, the spacioua
gallery presented one mass of human beings, which reached from the
rail to the deling.
As soon as he could see clearly over the foot-lights, which had in the
first instance dazzled his eyes, Valentine felt that as he was there oe-
tonsibly with a view to the exercise of his talent, he might as well
VALENTINB VOX. 75
oommence operations as not ; and as he saw a small personage in one of
the hoxes on tl^ie second tier near the proscenium, appkuding the Prima
Donna with extraordinary vehemence, hy shouting out, ^^ bravo ! bra-
vissimo V* and clapping his hands most violently, with the obvious view
of catching the eye of the lady, he thought that he would proceed
to promote the views of that personage, at least so far as to render him
an object of attraction.
Accordingly when the applause, which succeeded a really delightful
soena, had subsided, he dexterously threw his voice into the identical
box in which the lady-killing personage in question was seated, and
exclaimed intones ofecstacy, *^ Beautiful! ye eods! oh! excellent!
aever heard an3rthing like it ! encore ! delicious, aemme !*'
^^ Order I order !" cried at least a hundred voices on the instant.
'^I tell you it is beautiful! demme! did you ever? bravissimo!
encore, encore, encore Y' exclaimed Valentine ; and the small individual,
whose voice he had assumed, sat twiddling his whiskers and grinning
like an ape taking a bird's-eye view of the coimtry from a descending
parachute.
^^ Ordr I order !" again became the general cry, and every eye was
directed towards the particular box in question.
^^ Demme !" continued Yalentine, *^ don't I say that it's beautiful ;
and am I not perfectly in order ? Did you ever hear any thing half so
magnificent ? She's a great creature oh ! she's a great creature, demme I"
^^ Silence !" exchumed several highly indignant persons in the pit,
*^ tujahira out!"
^' I repeat it," cried Valentine, " she is a great creature."
Loud shouts of ^^ Order, order ! silence ! turn him out ! drunk !"
now proceeded from every part of the house, while the little ill-used
gentleman, in a state of interesting unconsciousness, sat wondering why
every glass in the house, both single and double barrelled was so
impertinently brought to bear upon him.
During the whole of this time the legitimate performances were
stopped ; and as the heroine of the opera had struck a certain position
from which she could not possibly move before she had uttered a
certain exclamation, and could not possibly give utterance to that
exdamation before she had received a certain cue, she very quietly
intimated the extreme propriety of dropping the curtain, which was
accordingly done amid general uproar.
The very moment the curtain had fallen, the attention of the little
individual was arrested by two persons who had been deputed to
expostulate with him on the excessive inconvenience of the course which
tliey naturally imagined he had been pursuing. To these persons he
was heard to proclaim his perfect innocence with considerable earnest-
ness and force, but they were seized with a fit of the most inflexible
incredulity, and marvelled that he should so far disgrace the name he
bore, as to descend to the utterance of so deliberate a falsehood as that
of declaring that the interruption had not proceeded from him. Yet
what could they do ? They could have sworn, and would have sworn,
that it had proceeded from him and him alone : yet here was a man, a
7^ LIFB ANV ADVBNTUBES OF
highly distingttislied patron of the opera, a nobleman ! who dedared
tliat if they Aad thus sworn they would have committed an act of
perjury I What could they do ? Why they could do no more than they
did-'^-ejqness a hope that the interruption might not be renewed and
retire.
As the little ill-used personage immediately after this became invisi-
ble to the audience, the uproar speedily subsided ; and when tlie curtain
again rose the accomplished heroine was discovered in precisely the
same attitude as that in which she stood before it had fallen. The
long-expected cue was then given, and then came the piercing exclama-
tion, and tlien a loud burst of enthusiastic applause, during which the
group of choristers marched off the staee, and as Valentine of conrae
was compelled to march with them, uie audience wero left to the
uninterrupted enjo3rment of the recitative^ the duetts, and the trios that
were to follow.
Now, when Valentine had ascertained that the ladies and gwtlemen
of the choir had two or three thousand bars' rest, he felt it to be his
duty to keep them out of that mischief into which they wero display-
ing a disposition to enter by glancing, and kissing, and squeezing,
and whispering the softest possiUe nonsense to each other as they
stood indismminately at the wings. Acting upon this amiable
impulse, he looked anxiously round with the view of occupying their
minds with something of a moro virtuous tendency, for he al that
moment felt more strongly than ever that it was absolutely incumbent
upon every man to check the progress of indiscretion by qH the means
at his command.
Scarcely had he turned from these professional ladies and gentlemen,
whose eyes appeared to be swimming in liquid naughtiness, when he
saw about thirty large pieces of old scenery resting against the wall,
and conceived that he could not conveniently promote the great cause
of morality more than by setting the gentlemen to work to remove
them.
With this extremely laudable object in view he therefore introduced
behind the old scenery in question a shrill cry of *^ murder !" at which,
of course, the ladies and gentlemen started and stared at each other in a
really interesting state of amazement. The cry was repeated ; and the
ladies became akrmed, and crept to the panting bosoms of the gentle-
men for protection. Again the cry was heard, and the excitement
became more intense, but as the gentlemen were equally afirighted with
the ladies, and manifested no disposition to move, Valentine exclaimed
in the voice of a female, " Release me 1 oh ! help ! get me out ! remove
the scenes ! remove the scenes or I faint !**
" Why don't you come here and lend a hand ?" cried one of the car-
penters who had been attracted to the spot, " don't you hear ! haven't
none on you got any bowels ?"
^' This forcible appeal to their humanities had the effect of inducing
the professional gentlemen to approach the old scenes in a body, when
Valentine introduced a low melancholy moan which inspired them
with the conviction that unless aid came speedily all would bo over.
VALENTINE VOX. 77
They th^efore at once set to work, regardless of the dust which lay
upon each scene an inch thick, regardless of the splendour of their
dzesses, and of the dignity they had assumed, in fact, regardless of all
but the removal of those frames which they naturally imagined were
pressing the life out of some one.
*^ 8toop down !'' cried the carpenter, when about half the scenes
had been removed, ^' stoop down and creep out at the bottom."
^ I cannot ; I cannot ! oh ! do, do, Temove them !" cried Yakntine
in the voice of one gasping for breath.
** Now bear a hand gentlemen I bear a hand quick !" cried the
carpentw, and the nobles, and the brigands, and the pure unsophisti-
cated peasantry, already completely covered with thick black dust,
again set to work with unprecedented zeal, while the ladies, whose
natural curioaty had subdued their alarm, were most anxiously peeping
as each scene was removed to ascertain who on earth it cotdd be, and
expressing certain rather unequivocal suspicions, having reference to
the purpose for which a lady had thus been induced to get behind.
As each scene increased both in wdght and in siae, the difficulty of
removing them at length became extreme ; but Valentine being resolved
to keep them at it, stimulated them perpetually to renewed exertions,
by renewing his cries for instant succour. Every man who was not
actually engaged upon the stage was called upon loudly to assist ; and
as the necessary, or rather the required assistance was soon found to be
incompatible with the progress of the opera, the lessee directed the
curtain to be dropped, and went forward to state that a lamentable
accident had unaccountably occurred, and to solicit the indulgence of
the audience for a few moments, which the audience displayed a highly
laudable disposition to concede.
All hands were now at work with unquestionable energy, and they
rattled the old scenes about in a style in which they never had been
rattled before. On the removal of each a dense cloud of dust descended,
but neither the nobles, the peasants, nor the brigands, were to be de-
terred from the performance of an act of pure humanity by any consi-
deration of that kind. They worked away like colliers, and were nearly
a. black, while the peption gushed frL eveiy pore. '
At length, by dint of almost super-human exertions, they got to the
three last scenes, and as they appeared to be infinitely superior to the
rest in point of weight, it was suggested that instead of removing them
bodily, it would answer every purpose if their bases were drawn from
the wall. This excellent suggestion was acted upon at once, but Valen-
tine would not cease to moan.
^' Vill you not pe apel to come now out of it V* enquired the stage
manager, who was a Frenchman, and who prided himself upon his
abiHty to sj^eak En^ish with the purity and force of a native.
'* Oh ! no, no/* cried Valentine faintly, " remove them oh ! do re-
move them all ?"
^^ Vale, vale ; put you mosh pe ver pig if you vas non pe apel to
come avay now. Vat for you vas git pehind a tall V
78 LIFE AND ADTBNTURB3 OF
^^ Quick 1 oh quick !*' cried Valentine ; and another large scene was
removed.
" Now giv to me you hand," said the stage-manager, kneeling and
extending his arm behind the two remaining scenes. '^ Now ten, now,"
he continued, '' come and I sail pull you out."
^^ I cannot reach it," said Valentine, ^* oh ! give me some water.*'
^^ Poor ting !" exclaimed the amiable stage-manager, *^ some vatare !"
he shouted to the men who were standing by, and some water was im-
mediately brought in a can which he placed behind the scenes, and
pushed as' far as he could reach.
As there were but two scenes now remaining, they were pulled
further out from the wall ; and as the moaninff had ceased, and the
general impression was that the female had fainted, a lanthom was
brought, with which the manager went behind, but in a moment fell
over the can and extinguished the light. Another lanthom, however,
was instantly procured, and he then began to prosecute his search
" Vere vas you ?" said he, " vere you creep to, poor ting ? Come to
me ! vere sail you pe got ? wre te tepple hap you creep ?*' he continued
in a most emphatic tone ; and becoming somewhat alarmed on being
able to discover no one, he came out at once and exclaimed with a shrug,
^' tere is nopotty in tere a tall !"
^' What r cried the carpenter, seiadne the lanthom, ^^ 111 find some-
body, ril bet a crom," and in he rushed, but in an instant returned
with the confirmation of the interesting fact upon his tongue.
" Well ! have you got her out V enquired the lessee, approaching.
'^ Non, che vas nevare in tere a tall !" replied the astounded stage-
manager.
" Not what !" cried the lessee.
** Nopotty vas tere."
*'^ Pooh ! nonsense ! she has fainted. Here, give me a light,** and in
went the highly indignant lessee ; ^' are you sure," he enquired, after
having looked in viun, " that she did not glide out to escape detection ?"
'^ Te tepple a pit !* replied the manager. ^' I hap von eye upm him
hole all te time ! che could not possible."
^' You don't mean to suppose that you'll make me believe she was
not there, do you ?"
^' It is ver extraordinaire, ver mosh rum, put tere vas noting ven I vas
go in but te vatare vich ve place in ourselfs."
As the audience at this moment began t6 manifest impatience, the
leasee, conceiving it to have been some favourite of the stage-manager
whom he had aUowed to escape, uttered several indignant exclamations,
and ordered the legitimate performances to be immediately resumed.
The principals engaged in the next scene were therefore summoned, and
the curtain again rose despite the earnest entreaties of the chorus-master,
who viewed the extremely dirty condition of those whom he led with a
feeling of horror ; for, independently of the dust which adhered firmly
to their pomatum-covered countenances, streams of perspiration thickly
coated with vermilion, had established themselves in all directions, and
looked like distant rivulets of veritable gore. The necessity for allowing
TALENTINB VOX. 79
ibeae {ndesaonal individuals time to beautify themselves, was therefore
obvious to the meanest capacity ; but the leasee was inflexible, and, as
shortly after this the next ehorus was called, on they went as they were.
The excitement which at this particular moment prevailed caused
them naturally enough to strike up the wrong chorus ^a circumstance
which so highly incensed a fat ruby-nosed person who was prompting
in a little covered pigeon-hole just above the foot^lights ; that after
shouting violently ^^ Cedi il campo alia vendetta ! cedi il campo alia
vendetta /" he was about to pitch his book at the head of an inmvidual
who looked like a long-faced fiend who had just been scratched and
pdted by a mob of young imps, when the band at once ceased operations.
This remarkable little incident had singularly enough the effect of bring-
ing the professional group to their recollection. They therefore com-
menced the right chorus at once, and after dashing clean through it in a
style of which novelty was its only recommendation, the first act con-
cluded amidst a volley of hisses, which five thousand serpents might have
endeaTOured to emulate in vain.
Between the first and second acts the professional gentlemen were
boaily engaged in washing and repainting their faces, while the ladies
were wondering who it was that had got behind the scenery, being all
of them firmly convinced that it was one of the choir, and that she had
glided from that equivocal position unseen* The stage-manager, how-
ever, with whom they were conversing, would not admit even the bare
possibility of such an escape. '' Tere vs put von vay," said he, '^ for
to come out of te place, and I hat my eye upon him^ and nopotty pass,
and so terefore it vas pe te tepple if it vas any potty a tall, and he vas
knock me town ven I entare, and ten fly avay vit himself.''
During the whole of the time the professional gentlemen were making
themselves fit to be seen, Valentine was highly amused at their ridicu-
lous fluid most improbable surmises. It was, however, at length carried
unanimously, that whoever she was she was really *^ no better than she
should be," but how she escaped from behind was a mystery which they
all declared their utter inability to so1vq
The caU-boy now entered to summon the choristers who descended
and the second act commenced. The audience were evidently piqued
about something which might have been easily explained ; but as the
immediate object of Valentine was to restore them to perfect good
humour, he directed his voice into the middle of the pit, and exclaimra in
a half-suppressed tone, '^ mind your pockets."
No sooner had this simple exclamation been uttered, than a simul-
taneous movement on the part of the gentlemen proved how extremely
anxious they were to profit by the advice which it conveyed ; and
while each was ascertaining if all he had brought with him were safe, he
cast an eye of unwarrantoble suspicion upon every individual in his
immediate vicinity.
^'Ladies! have a care T shouted Valentine; and the rustling of
silk dresses became really unexampled. ^ My watch !" he continued
in the voice of a female, '^ you have got it ! my watch ! oh my dear
little watch 1"
80 LIFE AND ADyBNTURBS OF
At this interaating moment the entire pit rose^ whik the ponoae sn
the boxes looked with great anxiety, but, to the perfect amaaeiiient
of them all, they were utterly unable to discover the lady from whom
the said dear little watch had been stolen.
*' Officers ! officers !" cried Valentine, assuming the same voice; and
officers from various parts of the house rushed at once into the pit.
" I've got him !" continued Valentine.
^^ Where 1" cried a gentleman armed with a staff.
'^ Here ! officers ! officers !" and those respectable functionaries
followed tlie sound with considerable zeal and dexterity.
'' You know that you have it ! you know it too well ! oh, give it me
back and 1*11 let you escape."
'^ No I hold him I ^hold him 1" cried an officer, who rushed to the
i^ot from which the sound had apparently proceeded, but having
reached the point proposed, he was stung with disappointment* He
could find neither a person who had stolen a watch, nor a person from
whom any watch had been stolen. The people around him were staling
at each other with astonishment, he could not obtain even the slightest
information, and as the voice was heard no more, it was taken at once
for granted, that the felony had been compromised.
With this conviction impressed deeply upon their minds, the people
gradually resumed their seats, and when order was somewhat restored,
anotlier desperate attempt was made to proceed with the opera.
On ihe preliminary chord being' struck by the gentlemen in the
orchestra, who had just taken snuff all round with extraordinary vio-
lence four of the principal artistes, dashed forward in a rage to sing
an affecting quartette. Tliey commenced witn an apparent omtempi
for the music, and proceeded in an extremely careless style, as if anxious
to let the audience know that they didn't care whether they sang it or
not. In order, therefore, that the house might be somewhat enlivened,
Valentine, before the quartette was half finished, introduced a faithful
echo into the omnibus box ; and as it was brought to bear upon some
of the Prima Donna's brilliant passages, that lady gave a series of
granite-piercing glances at the echo, and boimced off the stage with
more fire than grace.
The progress of the opera was, therefore, aeain checked, and the
audience b^me highly indignant. They called loudly and imperatively
upon the lessee to appear, and when he did appear they would not
permit him to speak. They saw him bowing with due humility, and
trembling with due violence, but although they demanded an explanation
of these irreguhir proceedings, they would by no means allow liim to
comply with that demand. As he bent his graceful body nearly double,
and shrugf^ed, and grinned, and grunted, and placed his hand with
great solemnity upon his heart, he seemed to be asking himself a series
of highly important questions, and answering himself in the most un-
satisfactory manner possible. At length, however, he ventured in an
unrivalled attitude, to glide very cleverly off the stage^ with the view
qf persuading the Prima Donna to re-appear. But he found that thai
lady was stiU inexorable. Nothing could induce her to yield. She
VALBNTTNE VOX. 81
declared thai she would rather sufler death than go forward again then ;
and after having knocked one of her attendants fairly down, and pitched
m looking-glass dexterously at the head of the other, she vented her
indignation upon the unhappy lessee with extraordinary force and
(aiect.
The noise in the hody of the house still continued ; for as the lessee
had anticipated, the audience viewed his departure as a mark of disre-
spect. He peeped through a hole in the curtain and trembled ; then
listeiied at the wings, and kicked a carpenter for sneezing ; when, on
being repeatedly caued for in tones that were particularly unpleasing,
he mrew his hat at an innocent scene -shifter with unwarrantable vio-
lence, and went forward yriih the most profound humility again. His
feappeanmce was hailed vnth a tremendous burst of anger, but he
boldly maintained his ground until the luogs of the audience began to
manifest unequivocal symptoms of exhaustion ; when, getting as near the
foot-lights as he comfortably could, he begged leave to announce, that in
conasqiience of the sudden and Severe indisposition of Madame Placidi,
Madame Giatiani, vnth their kind permission, would have the honour
of goms through the remaining scenes.
On wis proposition being put to the vote, it was impossible to decide
whether the ayes or the noes had it ; the lessee, however, assumed that
his motion had been carried by an overwhelming majority, and left the
stage in order to prevail upon Madame Gratiani, whom envy had placed
upon the shelf to go through the remainder of the opera. The lady
at first expressed her unwillingness to do this, but when the lessee had
portrayed the deep enthusiasm with which he stated the announce-
ment of her name had been hailed, the glowing picture re-inspired her
with hope, and she hastened to prepare for a tnumph. Just, however^
as Madame Gratiani was ready to go on, the astounding fact became
known to Madame Placidi, who so suddenly recovered from her serious
indispodtion, that she insisted upon finishing the part herself. The
lessee, as a sort of punishment, declared that as she would not, when
she felt that it could not be done without her, she should not now she
knew that it could ; but this had no other efiect, than that of making
her the more desperate, and as the lessee had had many striking proofe
of her amiable disposition, he eventually conceived it to be more discreet
under the circumstances to yield. He, therefore, appeared before the
audience again, to announce the extraordinary fact of Madame Placidi
having happily recovered, and the performances were once more
resumed.
Now, as the lessee had been unable to punish Madame Placidi,
Valentine determined that, as a mere matter of justice, he would. He
therefore, again gave breath to the interesting echo, which at length
seemed to amuse the audience rather than not, but nothing could exceed
in power, the rage of Madame Placidi. Whenever she came off the
stage, no soul dared to approach her. She stamped and ground her
teeth, and bit her lips, until they bled ; and if, during her progress from
the wings to her room, any little inanimate object such for instance, as
a brush or a banner happened to stand in her way, she seized it at
82 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
once, dashed it violently to the ground, and trampled upon it with in-
effable scorn.
Under all these ciroumstances, therefore, the expediency of cutting
the opera short, was suggested with great feeling by the bewildeiea
stage-manager ; and as this really excellent suggestion was approved in
the proper quarter, the finale came before it was expected, but it cer-
tainly appeared by no means to be on that account the less welcome.
" Now," said a gentleman, who looked as if he might have been half
an Italian and half a Turk, but whom Valentine eventually found to be
Horace, ^^ let us change our togs at once, and we shall be down before
the ballet commences/
Accordingly, up he uid Valentine ran, and after having hastily
metamorphosed themselves into something bearing the semblance of
respectable Christians, they descended the cast-iron column once more.
The stage now assumed a totally difierent aspect. The curtain was
still down^ and innumerable sylph-like forms, with dresses so short,
and necks so white, and cheeks so rosy, and ancles so thin, were gaily
flitting about in all directions. In the back ground a group of little
fairies were reclining on a piece of deal board so paintea as to convey
the idea of a bank of wild roses, while on either side a row of angelic
creatures were engaged in lifting up their legs to an extraordinary height
^an operation which they repeated with so much perseverance^ that
Valentine positivdy blushed. He felt it to be impossible, however, for
ice to reside in beings who looked so amiable, so pure ! yet while he
was willing to attribute these games, in whicli they seemed to take
delight, to a buoyant, playful spirit ; he nevertheless contended within
himself, that they were games which ought strictly to be confined to
the play-room. But then, oh 1 how beautiful they appeared ! so inno-
cent oh ! so happy !
'^ Qet along, you beast !" cried one of them, addressing a very vene-
rable looking gentleman, who had transferred the roseate hue of her
cheeks to the palms of his white kid gloves. " 1*11 slap your face for
you, you old fool !" observed the angel in continuation, and in driving
past Valentine, she left a great portion of the snowy whiteness of her
neck upon the sleeve of his coat, while the venerable old gentleman,
trying with all his might to look fascinating, continued to hobble after
her with all the youthful agility he could assume. Valentine was
amazed '^ Is it possible that such an exclamation," thought he, '^ could
have proceeded from so elegant a creature as that !*' And he looked at
his coat-sleeve again ; but as he subsequently heard this identical angd
call the venerable gentleman in question her dear, he fancied that lie
must have run against either a baker or a newly whitewashed- wall ; bnt
could by no means obliterate the impression, that although tiie old
gentleman might be her grandpapa, and very tiresome, moreover, and
teasing, it was still extremely wrong of her to call him a beast.
Having taken a general survey of this interesting scene, he proceeded
towards a group of aristocratic individuals the majority of whom were
about sixty years of age near the curtain. They had formed tli^mselves
into a circle, and in the centre a most beautiful girl was dancing appaiently
VALENTINE VOX. 83
in a state of the most perfect unconBciousneas of the presence of those
by whom she was surrounded. Her hair was studded with flowers and
golden combs, while her beautifully symmetrical neck was adorned with
a row of sparkling diamonds secured to her bosom hy almost invisible
pieces of thread. Her dress was of the purest whiteness and most
delicate texture, and as it scarcely descended twelve inches below her
hips, it had the appearance of an open parasol, a? she twirled round
and round upon the point of her toe. While bounding, and pirouetting,
and cutting all sorts of graceful capers, the elderly gentleman around her
appeared to be lost in admiration ; hut there was in the countenances of
them all an expression so pectdiar^ that Valentine was utterly unable
to divine what description of feeling it portrayed.
*^ Well," said Horace, who had just escaped from one of the fairies,
" what do you think of em, eh ? Fine animals, ant they ?"
** They are indeed elegant creatures," said Valentine ; ^' but don't it
strike you that they are somewhat indelicate V
" Indelicate !" echoed Horace with a smile, " why you didn't expect
to find much delicacy hero ?''
'^ But look !" exclaimed Valentine, pointing to a sylph whose left
foot was on a level with the crown of her head ; ^^ now that appears to
me to be highly improper."
Horace again smiled, and after a few more equally innocent observa-
tions, on the part of Valentine, exclaimed, '^ Why, what do you think
these old venerables come here for ? Dont you see how spicily they
^oftt over the scene ? But look presently at those who have their
funilies in the house. See what out-and-out jolly long faces they'll
pull ! Why hy the time they set round to their wives and daughters,
who are perhaps quit6 as beautiful as the creatures that are here, they
will all look as moral as maggots."
At tUs moment a bell began to ring, when the stage was cleared, and
up went the curtain. As Horace had predicted, the majority of the
old gentlemen at once trotted off, and as Valentine had learned quite
sufficient to convince him that virtue was not the distinguishing charao-
toristic of those who remained, he felt that he might probably be con-
finriiig an essential benefit upon society by subjecting them to a grievous
disappointment.
** Wait for me, love, in the hall !" said he, whispering in the ear of
an ancient individual with the palsy, as a nymph glided past him to go
upon the stage.
'* Yes, yes, my little dear, yes I will," said the old gentleman, con-
ceiving that the invitation had proceeded from the nymph ; and he rubbed
his hands rapturously, and pressed his withered lips, and sighed, and
smiled, and looked as killing as he conveniently could.
*' Oh, monstrous !" cried Valentine, throwing his voice behind the
oldgentleman ; ^^ for shame, sir, an old man like you !"
ll%e pakied old gentleman turned round amazed ; but beine unable
to asoertftin whence the sound had proceeded, he inspired at that
moment some feeling which induced him to move from the spot with
ApoesiUe dispatch.
64 LIFE AKD ADYBNTVIIBS OF
In this labour of love, Yalentixie was zealously engaged for the neixt
half hour, and when he had made about fifty appointments, the whole
of which were to be kept in the hall, he was urged by Horace to quit
the scene, which he did without being by any means satisfied that its
tendency was to promote the cause of virtue or to cultivate those feel-
ings which bind man to man.
Horace now endeavoured to prevail upon Valentine to accompany
him to what he called his ^' dub," a large house in the vicinity of the
theatre^ the door of which was partially open, and which appeared to be
brilliantly illumined ; but as it was then twelve o'clock, and as he
wished to rise early in the morning, he excused himself, and having
caUed a coach, he left Horace to keep some appointment at the *^ dub,
and proceeded to the house of his guardian alone.
CHAPTER XII.
valentine's trip to gravesend.
With all their knowledge of the human heart, and of the springs of
human actions, of the impulses, the promptings, and the guides of the
soul, philosophers 4iave never yet deigned to dedde whether it be in
reality natural for a perfectly unsophisticated youth to view the general
conduct of our dashing metropolitan rips with contempt or emulation.
Such a youth, if he be an observer at all, cannot Eiil to perceive in those
rips the total absence of every virtuous or really honourable principle ;
he cannot fail to mark that they are selfish, heartless, brutal, and dead
to every sense of common justice ; and yet our grave men wiU nolf
honour the world by dedding whether nature inspires him who perceives
all this with the spirit of rivalry or that of disgust.
Now this is indeed a most extraordinary piece of business ; but,
without dwelling loug upon a subject so profound without stopping
the current of these adventures to enquire whether the feelings which
actuate those who delight in setting honour, virtue, justice, and decency
at defiance, are attributable to property, blood, or education, ^it may
be said with perfect safety, that Valentine, whether naturally or not,
was impressed with no very high notions of Horace, with reference
either to the strength of his head or to the soundness of his heart, for
having watched his actions narrowly, and viewed the direct tendency of
each, he had seen quite suffident to convince him, that circumstances
might make him a really great villain, but never coidd make him a really
great man.
With this conviction deeply impressed upon his mind, he wound up
his watch and went to sleep, and having dreamt of fairy land through-
out the night, he rose unusually early, ate a most substantial breakfast^
and started at once for the Steam Packet Wharf.
It happened to be an extremely hot morning, and as the sun was'
VALBNTINB VOX. 85
making desperate efforts to send its bright rays through the vapovs
which mantled the earth, the sparrows, resolved to do business while
they were able, were hopping about gaily from tile to tile^ and from
brick to brick, well knowing that when the mist bad been dispelled,
those tiles and those bricks would be too hot to hold them.
As he proceeded, the public vehicles were rattling over the stones with
remarkable velocity, and while the horses were adorned with blue and
yellow rosettes, with the view of enabling them to enjoy tliemselves
with the knowledge of its being Sunday, each driver proudly sported
his gayest clothes and the largest bunch of wall-flowers a penny could
procure.
As Valentine drew near the whar^ crowds of persons were hastening
in precisely the same direction : some with children in their anns, some
with baskets of provisions in their hands, and others who, although with
neither children nor provisions, appeared just as happy as those who
had both.
It was interesting to analyse the mass of individuals who crowded
the deck of the vessel, for they indicated their social positions as plainly
as if each had been stamped with a '^ distinctive die.
There stood the mechanic, the creases in whose coat told plainly not
only that it was worn but once a week, but that infinite care had been
taken to preserve the pristine beauty of the nap by keeping it folded in
a trunk or a drawer. There was, however, a strongly marked differ-
ence between the married and the single mechanic ; for while the former
was calculating precisely how much the trip would cost, the latter, in
the plenitude of his liberality, was priding himself upon the force with
which he sent to perdition all idea of the expense. Nor was the dis-
tinction between the married and the single of this class developed by
the gentlemen alone : the countenance of the married lady displayed an
anxiety about her little household gods, and a strong disposition to show
her authority as a wife by finding Eralt with every trifling thing that
occurred, while the single lady had little thought indeed of home, and
being resolved to appear highly delighted with every thing, laughed
very merrily at anything or nothing. But the mode of wearing the
shawl was alone sufi&cient to mark the distinction between them ; for
while the married lady would have hers spread upon her back in order
that the whole of the pattern might be seen, the single lady carried hers
gracefully upon her arm, with the only ostensible view of showing that
she had such a thing as a shawl in her possession.
Aloof from these persons stood those who kept chandlers', butchers',
and green-grocers' shops ; and each gentleman belonging to this class
prid^ himself especially upon having a handsome turn-out by his side
in the sliape of his ^^ missis," a lady who not only dresses herself, but
superintends the adornment of her husband. He must wear his chain thus,
and his shirt pin thus, and as she allows herself only, to tie his cravat,
she has, of course, whatever knot she may happen to fancy. His hair
must go so, and his waistcoat so in a word, there is nothing in which
she has not a hand, for although it may be true that she permits him to
shave iiis own chin, he must he careful not to place his domestic peace in
86 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
peril by spoiling the shape of his whiskers. With regard to the adorn-
ment of her own person, she exercises of course, her nndoubtedprerogatiye,
by wearmg precisely whatever she thinks proper. If she cannot procure a
couple of red roses sufficiently large, she will establish a brace of becom-
ing sunflowers between her cap and bonnet, the size of which latter
afnir is invariably immense ; and she will have a long white veil and a
plume of feath^s, whether veils and feathers be worn oy the aristocnunr
or not ; and beyond all dispute when ladies in this sphere are dressed,
they are dressed, for there never did appear in any rainbow a colour
that they have not got something about them to match. But even
these with their husbands did not constitute in fact the elite of the
vessel ; there were very, very different beings on board ; the milliners,
the shopmen, and the clerks ! ^but although the clerks and shopmen
might be said to form one class of persons, the difference between even
them was distinctly developed, for the clerks had pale fiEMes and delicate
hands, while the faces of the shopmen were full and their hands red as
blood. There was moreover something in the expression of the eye,
by which tliis distinction was marked. The eyes of the clerks were
comparatively quiet and unassuming, but the shopmen had really very
impudent eyes, and while they were lost in admiration of the ladies, the
clerks appeared lost in admiration of themselves.
When tlie dodc struck ten between five and six hundred individuals
bad managed to establish themselves upon the deck, and as the band,
consisting of a harp, a violin, and a fife, began to play a higlily popular
tune, the boat started. Ginger beer and bottled stout were in immediate
nquisition, and while many of the unencumbered gentlemen were
smoking their cigars, Valentine was learning the various orders that
were |;iven by the Captain through the boy who stood just above the
pUoe m which the engine was working.
Tlie vessel had not proceeded far, when, fanc3nng that he could
imitate the voice of the boy exactly, he determined to try the efiect of
the experiment ; and as he had become quite au /ait to the orders that
were given, the very moment the boat had passed the shipping, he com-
menced with " Ease ar !"
*' No no ; go on," said the captain.^
" Go on !" cried the boy.
*^ Ease ar I" shouted Valentine again.
**" Who told you to ease her ?*' said the Captain to the boy.
** Stop ar !" cried Valentine, and the engine stopped at once.
* What are you about, sir!*' shouted tlie Captain, "you'd better
mind what you are after. Go on sir, and let's have no more of that
nonsense."
** Go on \" cried the boy, who couldn't exactly understand it, al-
though he looked round and scratched his head with great energy.
At this moment a wherry 'Was seen just a-head waiting to put three
passengers on board, and as the vessel approached her, the Captain
raised his hand.
** Ease ar !" cried the boy who was watching that hand, and as it
moved agiun, he added " stop ar !" when the steps were let down, and
VALENTINB VOX. 87
a man stood ready with a boat-hook secured by a rope, while tlie
waterman was pulling away with all the strength he had in him.
'^ Go on r* cried Valentine, just as the boat had reached the side, and
the Tessel dashed away and left the wherry behind her.
^' Stop her !*' shouted the Captain very angrily, ^ what is the matter
with you, sir, this morning ?*'
^^ Stop ar !" cried the innocent boy ; and the waterman, who was
very old and not very strong, pulled away again as hard as he could
pull ; but as he had to row against the tide, and had been left some
considerable distance behind, it was a long time before he could manage
to got up again, although he perspired very freely, lie did, however,
at kngth succeed in gettmg alongside ; but just as he was reaching the
steps again, Valentine cried, '' Move her astam !*' when, as the vessel
went back very fast with the tide, slie left the wherry some considerable
distance ahead.
*' Stop her ! you scoundrel ! go on ! What d*ye mean, sir ?" shouted
the CapUun indignantly.
" Stop ar ! Go on !" cried the boy, who couldn't make it out exactly
even then ^* ease ar !" ^he cried again, as the Captain waved his hand
^'* stop ar !"
^^ Go on I" cried Valentine, in precisely the same tone, and the vessel
again left the wherry behind her.
As the Captain, at this interesting moment^ threw his hat at
the boy, and as the boy began to rub his head violently, as if it had
struck him, the vessel proceeded so far before the order ^^ to go on," had
been counteracted, that the ^atennan feeling that they were having a
game with him, quietly gave the thing up.
Now the Captain was really a remarkable man, but the chief cha-
racteristics of his mind, were even more remarkable than those of his
body. He had been a most extraordinary swearer, but having imbibed
a propensity for literature and art, a ten months' quiet indulgence in
that propensity had made him altogether a different individual. Instead
of going, like a man without a soul, every evening to a neighbouring public
house to smoke his pipe, and to have his stint, namely, seven four-penny-
worths of hot gin-and- water, and he always knew when he had had that
stint by the seven pewter spoons which he had placed in a row before him ;
he kept philosophically at home, with the view of obtaining a perfect
mastery over the subjects of Theology, Geology, Phrenology, and
Physiology, and as for sir earing ! it \nll be necessary only to say this,
that he had sworn tliat he would never swear again.
How, then, to express his feelings when irritated, became a difficulty
which he had every day to surmount. He had not the least notion of
bridling his passion ; his object was simply to bridle his tongue ; and
as swearing if use be indeed second nature had clearly become
natural to him, he was frequently in danger of bursting some very im-
portant blood-vessel, because he would not give vent to his rage in the
language to which he had been so long accustomed. He would keep it
pent up, and it was pent up while the steamer was dodging the wherry ;
but when he found that the waterman had ceased to ply his sculls, and that
88 LIFE AND ABTENTURES OF
the opposition yesael would have the three passengers in consequence,
his rage knew no bounds, '^ Ton beauty !* cried he to the boy at length,
finding that he must either say something or burst. *' Oh ! bless your .
pretty eyes ! You understand me !"
** Ease ar I" cried Valentine.
** At it again t" exclaimed the Captiun ; " oh, you darling, you sweet
pretty boy ! Oh, I'll give you pepper ! ony let me come down to you,
that's aU, you dudt^ and 111 give you the beautifullest towelling you ever
enjoyed. Let her go, sir."
** Go on !* whined the boy. ** It a'n't me ; I can't help it.**
** What ! Say that again ony say it and if I don't make you spin
round and round, like a lying young cockchafer, seize me." And the
poor boy began to dig his knuckles m his eyes, and to whine a repe-
tition of what was held to be a falsehood.
** Ay, whine away, my dear !** cried the Captain, " whine away I
If you dont hold that noise. 111 come down and give you a clout o'
one side o'th' head that you never had afore !*'
" Ease ar !" cried Valentine.
" What, wont you be quiet ?"
"Stoparr
** What is it you mean, you young angd ? What is it you mean?*^
cried the Captain, as he stood m a sitting posture, with hb hands upon
his knees, *^ do you want a good welting? ony say, and you shall catch,
my dear, the blessedest rope's-ending you ever hsul any notion on yet.
Now I give you fair warning. If I hieive any more of this, if it's ever
80 little. 111 come down and give you the sweetest hiding that ever as-
tonished your nerves ! So ony look out, my dear ! Take a friend's advice,
and look out. Well ! are we to perceed V*
** Gh) on !** cried the boy ; and he stiU worked away with his knuckles,
and screwed up his features into the ugliest form they were capable of
assuming.
'** Oh you young beauty ! ^you know what I mean," cried the Captain,
as he ground his great teeth and shook his fists at the innocent boy,
whose eyes were by this time so swollen, that he could scarcely see out
of them at aU. **^ You stink for a good tanning, and I'll ease your
mind, my dear tf I dont, may I be saved I So now you know my
sentiments." And having delivered himself loudly to this effect, he
thrust his hands triumphantly into his breeches pockets, and directed
the whole of his attention a-head.
His eye was, however, no sooner off the boy, than Valentine again
cried " Ease ar ! stop ar !" but long before the sound of the last '^ ar ''
had died away, the Captain seizea a rope about as thick as his wrist,
and without giving utterance even to a word, jumped down upon the
deek with a deep mspiration of the spirit of vengeance.
" Away boy I run !" cried Valentine, quickly ; and the boy, who was
evidently Anything but an idiot, darted, like lightning, among the pas- .
sengers. The Captain, at starting, was close at his heels ; but the boy
shot a^head with such skill, and tiien dodged him round and round, and
VALENTINB VOX. 89
in and out with so much tact and dexterity, that it soon became ob-
vious that he had been chased in a manner not very dissimihir before.
" Lay hold of that boy !" cried the Captain, " lay hold of him there!"
but the passengers who rather enjoyed the chase, refused to do any
such thing. Ihey, on the contrary, endeavoured to shield the boy ; and
whenever they fancied that the Captain was gaining ground, although
he would not have caught him in a fortnight, a dozen of the stout^t
would of course accidentally place themselves quietly before him.
" Come here !" cried the Captain, panting for breath, " Will you
mind what I say, sir ? come here !" but the boy, who didn t seem to
approve of that course, did discreetly refuse to accept the invitation, and
the Captain was, in consequence, after him again.
At length Valentine raised a contemptuous laugh, and as it had in
an instant at least a hundred echoes, the Captain^ philosophy opened
his eyes, and he saw the propriety of giving up the chase.
''Here, Robinson !" said he, ''just give a look out here. Bless hia
littls Bovl, lie shall have a quilting yet, and after telling the gentlemen
below to go on, he silently ascended the paddle-box agam, and Robin-
son took tlie boy's place.
The vessel now proceeded without interruption, and as Valentine
cotdd not conveniently imitate Robinson s voice, until he had actually
heard Robinson speak, he left for a time that particular spot, for the
purpose of looking a little about him. The first person he encountered
was a stoutly built black-whiskered gentleman, who was engaged in
the destruction of a nice little book, by wantonly tearing out the kavcs,
and disposing of each for two shillings. The remarkable avidity with
which these leaves -were purchased, led Valentine naturally to believe
that they contained some very valuable information. He, therefore^
bought one of them at once, and having easily made himself master of
its contents, cried throwing his voice behind the destroyer " Now,
where are my seven !"
'* Seven V* said the destroyer, " yes ; three, five, seven," and seven of
tlie leaves were torn out at one pidl.
** Now then !" said Valentine, assuming the same voice.
'* Here they are, sir, here they are," said the destroyer.
" Well, hand 'em over will you !*' cried Valentine.
*' Here, sir ; seven sir? seven?'' and the seven were offered to every
man near him.
^ Me and my missis vonts two," observed a gentleman who held
his pocket open with one hand, and dived the other down to tiie
bottom.
'^ Tip us a cupple, old boy," said another, who sported a hat with a
niae-inch brim.
^ O pie sir, pa wants flee," sidd a very little lady with four ringlets
hanging down behind rather thicker than her arm.
** Well ! where are my seven ?" cried Valentine again, afisumiag the
same voice as before.
*^ None o' your larks yer know ; cos it wont fit," said the angrv
destroyer without turning round.
N
90 LIFB AlTD ADVBNTURES OF
^ Then I'll just go ashore withotft paying at aU," observed Valen-
tine.
** Will jerV said he who held the book with an ironical smile, at
the same time looking full in the face of an individual who happened
to be laughing at the moment. ^' Then praps you jist wont ; for I'll
jtst keep a hextry look out. You call yourself a genelman, don't
yer ? So don't I ;" and his blood began to boil, and his veins begaa
to swell, and he tore some more leaves out with great indignation.
Valentine then at once proceeded to the ^ Saloon," but as he found
only a few young ladies with their lovers indulging tenderly in sweet
discourse, and sipping from time to time dead ginger beer, he left them
to open their hearts to each other, and made his way into the ^ cabin;'*
In this place the ladies and gentlemen seemed for the most part to have
the same object in view, but were infinitely less sentimental in ito
pursuit. Bottled stout was apparently the favourite beverage, but
0Oine had a little gin-and-water on the top, and as most of the gentle-
men were smoking, each appeared to be then in the full indulgence of
the very purest sublunary pleasure, by holding a pipe in his right
hand, and clasping the waist of his intended vnth the left.
Their conyeisation was by no means of a strictly private character.
Tliat which prevailed, touched the lowness of waces generally, and in
order to demonstrate the cause of this remarkable stote of things, an
individual was creating an immense sensation, by showing the abeohite
necessity for the adoption of universal sufirage. The noise which pro-
ceeded from this highly accomplished orator, drowned the voicee of all
who wished to get a word in ^^ edeeways," and if any one presumed to
oflRsr an opinion, which happened to be even in the slightest degree
opposed to that which he had expressed, a volley of abuse, oouchea in
terms neither elegant nor grammatical, was perfectly sure to assail him.
At length, Valentine, anxious to ascertain the extent to which he
would go in support of his principles, took occasion to observe in a very
gruff voice, as the orator was denouncing every man as a traitor, who
hesitated to go what he termed ''the ole og," with him*'' We don't
want universM suffrage here."
" Ve don't wmt huniwersle suffrage !" cried the orator. " Lor sen I
may live ! not vont it ? Veil strike me ! not vont huniwersle suff
Veil, may I be kicked to the middle o' next veek ! Vy ve vontnothink
helsel I am for hevery man bein alike vithout hextinction; and I
means for to say this, that hevery man as isn't of the same sentiments,
ought to be druv out o* society. Not vont humwersle- Well may I
'but stop, let's ave a little hargriment about that ere. Now then
Vy don't ve vont the sufi&age to be huniwersle ? That's the question 1"
and the orator winked and gave his head a most significant nod. *' Vy
donH ve vont the sufirage to be huniwersle ?"
** Because," replied Valentine, throwing his voice to the other end of
the cabin, " B^use every fool like you, would have it then to abuse.''
That was sufficient. The orator laid down his pipe ; took a deep
dranght of stout ; pulled his coat off; tucked his shirt-aleeves above
VALEIfTU VOX. 91
the dbow8y and challenged the voice to a ^^ kipple o' rouadis-^jist ony
a kipple r
In cue moment the whole eahin was in an uproar. The ladies were
nvpeetively begging their beloveds to abstain from all interference, while
the oiatoTs lady clnng to his neck, and with tears in her eyes, implored
him not to '^ bCTaean himsdf by dirtying his hands with any sich low-
bred felier."
For some considerable time, the enraged orator was inexorable ; but
he was at length prevailed upon to put on his coat, when, although he
vowed vengeance upon all who dared |to differ with him in opmion,
the minds of the ladies and their lovers were once more at ease.
There were, however, several married gentlemen here whose ladies
were languishing on deck, and as Valentine thought this extreniely
iraiair, he went up with a view to their immediate re*union.
** Do you know," said he, whispering, in an assumed voice of course,
in the ear of a highly dressed dame, '^ do you know whom your hus-
bsnd is kissing in the cabin V Tlie lady looked round with an expres-
sion of amazement. ^^ Do you know her ?" he continued, and although
quite unable to discover who had spoken, she started up at once and
went to take a survey.
^^ Don't let your husband drink any more of that gin,*' said he to
another with precisely the same result. '* Do you suffer your husband
to treat every girl he meets T* and thus he went on until he bad sent
oeariy all the married ladies, whose husbands had absented themselves^
into the cabin.
^ Ease hor !" cried Robinson, in a rough heavy tone.
^ That's the voice to imitate V said valentiue to himself. ** Now's
the time for me to reinstate the boy," and as he saw a boat making
towards the vessel ahead, he shouted with true Robinsonian energy,
^Goon!"
No, no r cried the captain, '^ no, no ! you're as bad as the boy I"
Ease hor !" shouted Robinson, ^^ / didn't speak !"
^ k on !" cried Valentine, and round went the paddles again, for
the engineer himself now began to be excited.
^ Do yon want to drive me mad !" cried the Captain.
** What d*yar mean V shouted Robinson, '* that wasn't me 1"
*^ What ! what !" exclaimed the Captain, '^ not you ! Oh Robinson,
Robmson ! don^t you know, Robinson, how very wrong it is for to tett
a Ueesed fEdsity for to hide a fault ?"
*^ i tell you it wasn't me then ! If you don't like to bdieve me yon
may call out yourself!*' and Robinson walked to the head of the
vessel, and laying very violent hands upon a rope, dashed it dei^^
lately down upon the deck, when, having thus tidcen his measure of
vengeance, he folded his arms, and seemed to fedi a little better.
** WiH you promise to behave yourself, boy, if I take you on again ?*
cried the Captain.
** Yes, sir," said the boy, as well as he could, considering that his
mouth was at that moment full of bread and butter ; when, watching
u
u
it
u
92 LIFE ATD ADVENTURES OF
tlie motion of the Captain's hand, lie cried ^ ease ar ! stop ar I" for
the boat was still approaching.
Tlie boy now emptied his mouth as soon as possible, and wiped his
lips clean 'with a handful of oily tow, when Valentine, determined to let
tlie little fellow recover the good opinion of the Captain by pursuing
the proper course, proceeded to the side of the vessel.
In the boat, which drew near, sat an elderly gentleman, and an ex-
ceedingly elegant young person, who appeared to be his daughter.
Valentine was struck with the extreme beauty of her countenance,
and eazed on her intently. He felt that he had never beheld so
beautiful a creature before ; and the nearer she approached the side of
the vessel ^which was still, although the engine had been stopped,
going gently, the more his rapture mcreased. Just, however, as the
person who had the management of the hook caught the head of the
boat, the old gentleman rose from his seat, when the suddenness of the
unexpected jerk which is invariably given at that moment, sent him
back with so much violence, that he was plunged into the river in an
instant.
" My fiEither !" shrieked the lady, " my father !" and extending her
arms, she fell breathless upon him.
Save them !" shouted fifty of the passengers at once*
Let the boat go !" cried the waterman, ^' let the boat go !** But
the hand of the man who held the boat hook was powerless, and as the
bodies clasped together were floating with the tide, Valentine rushed to
the stem of the vessel, and dashed at once into the stream. The force
with which he plunged carried him down to a great depth, and his
clothes became so weighty that they would scarcely allow him to rise,
and when he did rise he found himself still some considerable distance
from them ; but he struck out gallantly, and reached them at the
moment they were sinking to rise no more. The first thing he caught
was the hair of the father, whose effort to seize the hand which held
him was instantaneous ; but Valentine dexterously evaded his grasp,
and having caught the dress of the lady, whose arms were still twined
round her father's neck, he held them up at arm's length, while the
boats were approaching. The struggles of the old genUeman to seize
Valentine now became desperate. His contortions were violent in the
extreme. He dashed, and plunged, and struck at him like a maniac,
and did at length succeed in winding his legs round the body of Valen-
tine so firmly, that had it not been for the aid which arrived at the
moment, they must inevitably have gone down together, for even when
they had been dragged into the boat, the old gentleman would not
relinquish his hold until they had managed to convince him of the fact,
that he and his daughter were perfectly safe.
The vessel, which had been backing all the time with the tide, now
arrived at the spot ; and when the poor old gentleman had been assisted
on board, Valentine took the young lady, who had fainted, in his arms,
and having reached the deck, proceeded at once to the saloon, where
every attention was paid to her and her father, with a view to their
immediate restoration.
VALKNTIICS TOX 03
All being now perfectl j secoie, Yafeoiine left the Bakoii for the cabin,
and on his way a hundsed hands were extended towards him by. the
poasengers, who warmly exclaimed, '' God Uess you, ray fine fellow !
Nobly done ! God bless you 1" The ladies were deeply affected ; and
shed tears of joy as he passed, and would haye dried his dripping doikes
in their bosoms.
On reaching the cabin, he sent one of the men to the Steward for a
shirt and whatever other clothes he might happen to have, and while
the Steward was engaged in looking out a complete suit, he undressed,
and after dr3ring himself as well as ne could without assistance, he got
one of the passengers, who happened to be a master-blacksmith, to rub
him down with a rough towel until his entire body became red as
blood.
As soon as this glowing operation had been performed, he received a
lull suit from the hands of the steward. The first thing he put on was
a rough checked shirt, and then followed a pair of fine white lambswool
hose which belonged to the amiable stewardess : he then drew on a
pair of breeches, m which Daniel Lambert himself would not have felt
at all uncomfortable, and then a pair of real smuggler s boots, which
were indeed a decent fit, considering : then a waistcoat which had to
be doubled over and over again at the back, but even then all the per-
suasion in the world couldn t make it come close, and when by way of
a -finishing touch, he got into the steward's striped jacket ^the sleeves
of which he tucked up about a quarter of a yard, in order to give his hands
a breath of air ^his UnU eMemhle was so complete, that a stranger might
naturally have been led to infer, that if the clothes he then wore did
fit him the day previous, he must have had a very bad night of it
indeed.
However, thus attired he returned to the saloon, to see how those
whom he had rescued were faring. He found the young lady recover-
ing fast, and her father giving utterance to many fervent ejaculations ;
but the moment they were informed that he who had saved them was
present, the old genUeman affectionately grasped one hand, while the
lady seized the other and kissed it warmly.
*^ My brave young fellow ! God bless you !" exclaimed the old
gentleman, when, conceiving from his dress that he belonged to the
vessel, he added, ^^ Here, here is my card : call at my house, and 111
reward you ; my brave young man, 111 reward you."
Valentine, perceiving his mistake, smiled, but took the card and
spoke to the lady, who although extremely pale, looked more beautiful
than before.
^^ Come, drink my fine fellow ! I like you ! ^you're a trump !" cried
a jolly looking gentleman, in checked trousers, as he held out a glass of
hot brandy-and- water. ^^ You did it nobly bravely ! drink it up, my
young hero, and then we'll have another. Up with it, my boy I ^it'll
keep aU the cold out."
Of this fiact, Valentine had not the smallest doubt, for he found it
mnarkably strong ; but as he had drank with several persons before,
ho politely declined taking more than a sip.
M LIFE AND ADVENTVUBB 09
The -vessel now drew near Qravo B ond , and Valoitiiie proceeded to
take leave of her of whom he already felt deeply enamoured.
*^ Yon will eall and see ne, will yon not f^ said the lady, as she
pressed his hand and raised her eyes which looked like brilliants set in
gold.
Valentine gazed on her beautiful face, and vna silent.
** You nlr^ she continued'* yon will promise to call ? Papa will,
I'm sure^ be deKghted to see you ! Why will you not promise V
^ I do/' said YMentine, wfao^ while listening to the music of her Toice,
had been perfectly unconseious of a reply being expected, ** I do, I do
promise ; and when I assure you that nothing could impart so much
pleasure** He pressed her hand, but could say no more, for her eyes
were again turned full upon him, and seemed to be beaming with gratis
tude and love.
^ Come, take another sup T cried the jolly looking gentleman, again
approaching. " It strikes me you look rayther pue ; and as for yon
not taking cold ! why my missus won't have it at no price.*'
^ Not any more,*' sud Valentine, who, although he appredated the
warmth of his heart, at that moment wished him any-where but
there.
^ The young lady periiaps, will have a drain f continued the perse^
yering pest. " Oh ! have a IHtle^ Miss ! It'U do your heart good. My
missis is sure you'll be laid up if yon don't, and whatever she says, why
ef course you know is gospel."
The lady, however, gracefuHy declined, and after many warm ao*
knowledgments, on her part and on the part of the old gentleman her
ihtlier, 'V^entine took leave of them, and went upon deck.
The Pier was now in sight, and the mind of the Captain had happily
recovered its wonted tranquUlity ; but the boy, although he had endea-
voured to do his duty with the utmost aseal, was by no means sure that
the Captain did not still intend to keep his promise with reference to
the ** quiHmg." It was true, the Captain q)oke to him with perhaps
a somewhat greater degree of kindness than he had ever spoken before ;
but this tended to increase the apprehension of the little fellow who-
having heard of the prelude to the crocodile's attack, at once fended
that ti8 was but the jelude to an attack on the part of the Captain.
He therefore most anxiously vratched his every movement, and when
the vessel had reached the pier, he trembled violently, for the Captain
immediately descended feom his post an operation which he usually
deferred until after the whole of the passengen had landed. Nothing
could exceed the steadiness with which the boy kept his eye fixed upon
him, and whenever he went within reach of a rope, he drew himself up
for an immediate start. His fean were however vain ; for the Captmn's
admiration of Valentine'e conduct had efiectually subdued eveiy anfry
feeM n g; and as it became obvious that he had descended with the view
of expressing that admiration, the boy began to feel a little comfortable
again.
^ 1 am delighted," cried the Captain, taking Valentine by the hand,
^'I am perfectly delighted with your hero-like conduct in saving
- -)
VAISNTINB VOX. 95
thetti two Mer crotuxs* There's somethink werry like it in Oasitii's
Iliad Osaian s ? -of couise, it is Oscdan's wlieze a geatleroan, I think
it was Artaxeixes, but that I'm not sure oi^ dived down to the bottom
of the Po to fetch up Peter the Great, who was washing his feet on the
hank with Cassius, who was you know one of the Grecian gods."
^^ Ah, and did he succeed ?*' enquired Valentine, with apparent anxiety.
^^ I dont think it says,'' replied the Captain ; ^' but at all events he
never rose again.''
" What a pity I Tut tut ! what a pity to be sure ! Then, of course,
he couldn't inform the world whether he did or not ?"
^ By no means,** observed the Captain, '^ and that you see's the mis-
chief of history. No man was ever able to write his own life complete.
He's certain to go off the hooks before he has finished it : that's the
misfortune. It strikes me," he continued, looking earnestly at Valen-
tine, ** it strikes me, unless I am werry much mistaken, that you have
the organ of courageousness powerfully deweloped. I should like to
examine your head. That organ there, just above the eye there, seems
to be werry fiiU, and when that is combined to the one that is sittivated
under the ear, it makes up courageousness perfect. But I was sure, that
you'd got it when you dived so beautiful. We find it in ducks werry
stronff.
^* A phrenologist, I perceive."
^* 1 take great delight in the science. I can tell a man's character to
a hair. I've the whole of the organs at my fingers' ends ; now this, for
instance "
^^ You've a fine sharp lad here," said Valentine, as the Captain was
about to finger his organs, '^ he appears to be very attentive."
" Yes, he's all werry weU," said the Captain, " but he a'n't got no
soul. Besides, he don't know exactly how to behave himself sometimes.
Did you see how he went on this morning ?"
**' Boys, you know, are but boys," observed Valentine, and the novelty
of that remarkable observation, proceeding, as it did, from so remarkable
a man, had so striking an effect upon the Captain, that he at once con-
sented to defer the promised " pepper," until the conduct of which he
complained should be repeated.
^' Now," said Valence, '' will you do me the favour to allow the
boy to carry my wet clothes on shore ?"
*^ By all manner of means in the world 1" replied the Captain. " Here,
boy I attend to this gentleman. Go and see after his things ; and mind
how yon behave yourself, sir, d'ye hear ?"
The boy obeyed with alacrity, and Valentine escaped from the Captain
apparently with the view of surveying the pier. The passengers were
stiU, as usual, crowding from the vessel. Hiid they gone in turn quietly
tbey would all have got on shore much sooner, and with an infinitely
greater degree of comfort to themselves ; but they must crowd, and
plunge, and show their teeth, and work away with iheii elbows, as each
strove to get before the other. One lady was loudly lamenting over the
fact of her bonnet being desperately crushed ; another was enaeavouring
to recover her reticule, the strings of which she held, while the bag
96 LIFE AND ADYBNTURBS OF VALBNTINB TOX.
itself was fixed between the hips of two ladies who were going with tlie
stream about five rows behind her, while another was looking par-
ticularly unamiable at a gentleman who was innocentlj digging his
elbow into that particular cavity which is just beneath the ear.
" For goodness sake !" cried one, '* don't squeedee/' * " Where are
you drivin to V* shouted another. '^ I say, you sir !*' cried a third,
*' jist take your fist out of the small of my back, good luck to you !"
They still, however, crowded on and displayed as much anxiety to
quit the vessel as if she had then been in flames.
'^ Have you lost any thing, sir V* whispered Valentine in the ear of
a tall gentleman whose efibrts to drive past his neighbours had been
really very desperate.
The gentleman in an instant drew back, inspired with the horrid
suspicion of having lost something, although it certainly did not appear
that he had much to lose. In the first place, he felt in all his pockets
at once, and then searched them again and again in detail ; and then
laboured to recollect if he had brought anything from home, which he
had not then about him ; but even then, although he emptied his
pockets and found all quite safe, he was anything but sure that he
nadn't been plundered.
* Do you allow that .'" said Valentine, throwing a whisper into the
ear of an old lady, to whom nature, in consideration of her having but a
single eye, had bounteously given a double chin.
'* Mr. Jones !" cried the lady, who perceived two females by the
side of Mr. Jones, " I'm ashamed of you. Keep back, sir ; and let
them gals pass."
^' What's the matter, my dear ?" said Mr. Jones.
*^ Don't dear me, sir ! I saw you !" cried the lady ; and Mr. Jones
looked as if he at that moment felt that if he had never seen her it
would have been a great comfort.
^' Have you got your pass ?" said Valentine, throwing his voice be-
hind the person who was taking the tickets. '^ / want no pass," he
added, assuming another voice, '* I can always pass without.'*
^* O ! can yer ?" cried the black whiskered gentleman, by whom
those interesting little slips of paper had been sold. ^' Then I don't
think you can. Jim! be a leetle hextry partickler there, will yer?"
and he winked at Jim ; and Jim winked at him as he stood in the
gangway perfectly prepared to take his revenge out of the first man who
attempted to pass without a ticket.
While the black-whiskered gentleman and Jim were thus occupied,
Valentine went to the steward, who lent him a large hairy cap ; and
when his clothes had been carefully deposited by the amiable stewardess
in a shawl, he, followed by the boy, took his leave of the philosophic
Captain, and left the vessel, portraying the pleasurable effects of that
astonishment, with which he fondly conceived poor Goodman would
view the extraordinary character of his dress.
9
^
CHAPTER XIII.
IK WHICfH VALBNTINB IS INTRODUCED TO THREE NEW FRIENDS, WITH
ONE OF WHOM HE PASSES A YBRY PLEASANT NIOHT.
The surprise with which Valentine, on reaching the residence of Mr.
Pluinplee, ascertained that his guardian had not arrived, was as great
as that with which he had intended to inspire Goodman, hut of a
cliaiacter of course diametrically opposite. Nor, when the circumstances
were explained was that surprise felt by Valentine alone: Mr. Plumplee,
and Mr. Jonas Beagle, an eccentric old gentleman, who murdered liis
time at Gravesend, with a view to the perfect restoration of his health,
which had never, in fact, deserted him even for a day, felt and expressed
a corresponding amount of astonishment, while Miss Madonna Plumplee,
the virgin sister of Goodman's frigid, began at once to indulge in all
sorts of oonjectuies having reference to the cause, for like most unac-
conotahle occurrences, the scope which it afforded for the pky of tlie
imaginAtion was unbounded.
" Who knows!" cried that amiable person, ^^ he may have been run
over and craved to deaths or a thousand things ! Qie drivers about
London are so horribly reckless. I*m sure it was only the other day I
was three quarters of an hour endeavouring to cross Fleet-street ; and
all it was an absolute miracle I wasn^ killed, i
for a dog cart, with
a dirty person sitting upon the edge, rattled down the street vi,i such a
dreadful rate that I thought, be run over I must ! It is shameful such
ti&igs are alkwed. There sat the filthy creature deliberately smoking
his pipe, and taking no sort of notice of the peril in which he was
placing the lives and limbs of people, not even the slightest ! He was,
however, I am happy to say, properly punished, for no sooner had he
passed me than the wheel, over which he had been sitting bounced into
a hole, when happily the enthe concern upset, and he was instantly
covered with cat's meat and mud."
^* Oh ! I don't expect that any serious accident has occurred," said
Mr. Plumplee. ^^ The report of such an occurrence would be certain
to have reached home before this morning, for he never goes out without
his card case; and his name and address are printed on his pocket-book
I know."
** But," suggested Miss Madonna, ^' he might have had his pockets
previously picked, and then strangers you know would have no clue at
all. London is such a place. I'm sure I was reading the other day
in one of the papers of a gentleman who having lost his handkerchief
vrent in to purchase a new one ready hemmed, and he hadn't left the
riiop five minutes before he lost that."
^' And did he go in to buy another?" enquired Mr. Jonas Beagle.
^^ It didn't say ; but such doings are positively dreadful," repHed
Miss Madonna. ** I'm sure, I've said it a thousand times, and will
98 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
maintain it, the police are of no sort of use. They are never at hand
when people are being plundered.''
'^ For my part," said Mr. Jonas Beagle, ^* I think he has been kid-
napped. The fact of his having been out all night, looks I must say
remarkably suspicious. What Dusiness has a man to be out all night ?
None whatever, not the slightest ; and I hold it to be, therefore, par-
ticularly shocking !" And Mr. Jonas Beagle leered wickedly at Miss
Madonna, while his little twinkling eyes seemed to indicate that in his
judgment Goodman was not quite immaculate.
The attention of Mr. Plumplee and his amiable sister was now
directed to Valentine's dress. A tailor in the vicinity was applied to
at once, but as he had nothing likely to answer the purpose made up,
the case was stated to a family next door, of which one of the younger
branches politely sent in a complete suit, which fortunately happened to
fit Valentine to a hair.
" Now then," said Mr. Beagle, " for a walk ;" and as the con-
viction had obtained that it was useless to wait for Ooodman, who
might not arrive until the evening. Beagle, Plumplee, and Valentine
left the house, and at once got into a stream of gay persons who were
heavily laden with children and provisions, and who appeared to have
made a dead set at a windmill.
^' Let's go to the Belly woo !" shouted one of these persons who had
one child on his arm and another on his back, while he dragged a third
along by the hand.
*^ That's by fur the most delightfullest place," observed a lady who
appeared to be the mother of those interesting babe?, and who carried
a handkerchief in which the shape of a dish was to all distinctly visible.
*' I perfers the Belly woo 'cause there we can set out at top and see the
wessells so nice."
"The Belly wool" cried Valentine, " What's the Belly woo V^
^' The Belle vue they mean, a little tavern on the hill," replied Mr.
Jonas Beagle, who had no sooner imparted this interesting information
than he turned into what he called the Tivoli Gardens, which appeared
to be the principal place of resort. On the right as they entered, a
marquee was fixed for the accommodation of those who preferred a cold
dinner for a shilling to a hot one for eighteen pence : on the left stood
a long wooden shed, or grand dining room, established for the exclusive
accommodation of the eighteen-penny people, round the door of whioh
several polite gentlemen hovered, with the view of soliciting the plea-
sure of the company of all who looked as if they really had such a
thing as one-and-nine*pence about them, while at the farther end were
boxes for the convenience of those who had brought their own pro-
visions ; but as the public spirited proprietor of the establishment
charged, according to the printed scale, something like three pence for
the loan of a table cloth, two pence for plates, three half-pence for a
knife and fork, a penny for pepper, the same for mustard, the same for
vinegar, the same for salt, and for everything else extremely reasonable
in proportion, those boxes were not "very liberally patronised.
VALENTINE VOX. 99
Having taken a survey of these gardens, they made for the hiU, the
summit of which they reached after an infinite deal of panting on the
part of Mr. Plumplee and Mr. Jonas Beagle, and which certainly com-
manded a most extensive and delightful view of the surrounding
country. Mr. Beagle's first task was to point out to Valentine the
various features of the scene both rural and naval, and having developed
in the performance of this task no inconsiderable amount of descriptive
power, he led the way to a favourite spot under the brow of the hill to
which he and Mr. Plumplee repaired daily for the purpose of unravelling
whatever knotty point might happen to suggest itself at the moment.
On reaching this spot they spread their handkerchiefs and took their
seats, while below them groups of persons w^ere sitting up to their lips
in thick furze, and up to their hips in dusty sand, discussing internally
the various viands with which they had been externally laden.
It was not long before a point of the knotty kind was started, and
while Plumplee was engaged in refuting the extremely uncharitable
position of Mr. Beagle, that practically the world's definition of friend-
ship was that which prompts men to study the interests of others with
a view to the promotion of their own, Valentine was occupied in watch*
ing the actions of one particular group that sat immediately below
him. It was obviously a family circle, and in the centre stood a large
beef-steak pie upon a sheet of the Weekly DispatcJi^ which had been
spread with the view of conveying the idea of a table cloth, and of
thereby imparting to the whole thing an unquestionable air of respecta-
bility. The crust of this pie was in proportion as thick as the thatch
of a bam, while the little et-ceteras by which it was surrounded, bore
a corresponding aspect of delicacy ; and when all seemed prepared to
commence operations, the cork of a well washed blacking bottle was
drawn, and the company, by way of grace before meat, had a glass of
gin round. When this feat had been performed with really mfinite
gusto, the carver walked into the pie, and in the plenitude of his bene-
volence submitted to each man, woman, and child, an amount of matter
which would certainly have taken any but a highly gifted stomach
three days and three nights to digest. It was not, however, by any
means long before every nand was empty again ; for as the process of
mastication seemed quite by the way, they no sooner got a mouthful
&irly in than they rinsed it down their throats, as in duty bound,
with porter. The purified blacking bottle again went round, and its
contents seemed to induce renewed gastronomic vigour : to each was
submitted another lump of pie, and when that had been washed away
precisely as before, the gentlemen began to unbutton their waistcoats
and the ladies to unliook their dresses behind in order to enjoy another
small glass of gin without any unpleasant sensation of satiety.
It now became clearly perceptible that their stomachs were about to
assume certain aristocratic airs of pseudo-delicacy, for instead of being
assisted to legitimate doses, they began to fish out the most tempting
little bits they could find, until by virtue of each taking the piece
which the others had rejected, the dish was eventually cleared witli the
100 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
exception of sundry little lumps of crust with which hy wmy of a wind
up the ladies proceeded to pelt the gentlemen, to the infinite satisfactioii
of all parties concerned.
This mutually interesting transaction had no sooner heen closed, than
one of the ladies, in order to cap the climax, produced a very small hut
a very unexpected hottle of hrandy, of which each with great pleasure
partook of a glass, for the purpose of keeping all down. This was
evidently, however, intended as an apology for Nan Ncbisj for the
moment the ceremony had been performed the gentlemen proceeded to
light their pipes, while the ladies seemed determined that it should that
day be known which was able to laugh the longest and the loudest.
By the time they had succeeded in torturing their muscles into the
merriest possible shape, Mr. Plnmplee and Mr. Jonas Beagle, had
finished their argument according to an invariable custom of theirs, by
each convincing himself that the other was wrong. Having thus
brought this highly important afibir to a happy issue, Mr. Plumplee
applied to his watch, and after making an original remark, having
reference to the rapid flight of time, they proceeded down the hil^
passed a multitude of donkeys, which, while they bore their patronesses
on their backs, were very delicately touched up behind by their ownen ;
and reached home precisely at the very moment their presence became
absolutely essential to the continuance of Miss Madonna's tnmquiDity
of mind.
The first question asked was of course about Goodman, and as also of
course Goodman had not arrived, they at once sat down to dinner, after
which Beagle and Plumplee got into an argument touching the lament*
able state of things in general, while Valentine and Miss Madonna were
amusing themselves at the window by making all sorts of deeply in-
teresting remarks on the appearance of the persons who were constantly
passing.
Towards evening, however, Valentine began to feel uneasy, and ex-
pressed a desire to return by the last boat ; but Miss Madonna, whose
word in that house had acquired the reputation of being law, yery
strenuously opposed it. It was by no means safe, she contended.
The boats in the evening were crowded so densely, especially the last,
that to escape being pushed over the side really amounted in her ju^-
ment almost to a miracle. Any attempt to refute an argument so
potent as that would of course have been indicative of madneas, and
therefore it was decided that he should stop there all night.
Now there happened to be only four bed-rooms in the house; the
best of course was occupied by Miss Madonna, the second by Mx.
Plumplee, the third by Mr. Beagle, and the fourth by the servant ; but
that in which Mr. B^gle slept was a double bedded room, and Valen*
tine had, therefore, to make his election between the spare bed and the
sofa. Of course the former was preferred, and as the preference seemed
highly satisfactory to Mr. Beagle himself, they passed the remainder of
the evening very pleasantly tocher, and in due time retired.
Valentine, on having his bed pointed out to him, darted between the
VALENTINE VOX. 101
sheets in the space of a minute, for as Mr. Jonas Beagle faoetioasly
observed, he had but to shake himself and everything came off, when,
as he did not by any means feel drowsy at the time, he fancied that he
might as well amuse his companion for an hour or so as not. He,
therefore, turned the thing seriously over in his mind, while Mr. Beagle
w qnieUy undressing, being anxious for thi^ gendenn to extingaish
the light before he commenced operations.
^^ Now for a beautiful night's rest,*' observed Mr. Jonas Beagle to
himself as he put out the light with a tranquil mind, and turned in with
a great degree of comfort.
*^ Mew! ^mew !" cried Valentine softly, throwing his voice under the
bed of Mr. Beagle.
" Hish ! curse that cat !" cried Mr. Beagle. *' We must have you
out at aU events, my lady.'' And Mr. Beaffle at once slipped out of
bed, and having opened the door cried ^' hisli ! ' again emphatically, and
threw his breeches towards the spot as an additional inducement for the
cat to " stand not on the order of her going," when, as Valentine re-
peated the cry and made jit appear to proceed from the stairs, Mr.
Beagle thanked heaven that she was gone, closed the door and very
carefully groped his way again into bed.
'^Mewl mew! ^mew! cried Valentine, just as Mr. Beagle had
again comfortably composed himself.
^^ What t are you theie still, madam ?" enquired that gentleman in a
highly sarcastic tone, ^' J thought you'd been turned out, madam !
Do you hear this witch of a cat V he continued, addressing Valentine
with the view of conferring upon him the honourable office of Tyler for
the time being ; but Valentine replied with a deep heavy snore, and
began to mew again with additional emphasis.
^^ Well, I don t have a treat every day, it is true ; but if this isn't
one, why Tm out in my reckoning, that's all !" observed Mr. Jonas
Beagle, slipping again out of bed. ^^ I don't much like to handle you,
my Udy, but if I did, I'd of course give you physic 1" and he ^^ hished!"
again with consummate violence, and continued to " hish 1" until Va-
lentine scratched the bedpost sharply, a feat which inspired Mr. Beagle
with the conviction of its being the disturber of his peace in the act of
decamping, when he threw his pillow very energetically towards the
door, which he closed, and then returned to his bed in triumph. The
moment, however, he had comfortably tucked himself up again he
missed the pillow which he had converted into an instrument of ven-
geance, and as that was an article without which he couldn't even hope
to go to sleep, he had of course to turn out again to fetch it.
** How many more times I wonder," he observed to himself " shall
I have to get out of this blessed bed to-night ? Exercise certainly is
a comfort, and very conducive to health ; but such exercise as this why
where have you got to?" he added, addressing the pillow, which, with aU
the sweeping action of his feet he was for some time unable to find
'^ Oh, here you aie, sir, are you ?" and he picked up the object of his
search and gave it several very sovere blows in the belly, when, having
102 LIFK AND ADVMTURS OF
reinstated himself between the sheets, he exclumed in a subdued tone,
"Well! let's try again I"
Now Mr. Jonas Beagle was a man who prided liimself especially
upon the evenness of his temper. His boast was that notliing oould put
him in a passion, and as he had had less than most of his cotemporaries
to vex him, he had certainly been able, in the absence of all cause for
irritation, to preserve his equanimity. As a perfectly natural matter of
course he invariably attributed the absence of such cause to the innate
amiability of his disposition ; and marvelled that men, men of sense
and discernment, should so far forget what was justly expected of them
as reasonable beings, as to suffer themselves to be tortured by excite-
ment, inasmuch aloeit as human nature and difficulties are inseparable,
human nature is sufficiently potent not only to battle with those diffi-
culties, but eventuUay to overcome them. If Mr. Jonas Beagle had had to
contend against many of the " ills that flesh is heir to," he in all proba-
bility would have acted like the majority of his fellow-men ; but as he
had met with very few, and those few had been not of a very serious
complexion, he could affi)rd to be deeply philosophical on the subject,
and felt himself competent, of course, to frame laws by which the tempers
of men in the aggregate should be governed. He did, however, feel
when he violently smote the pillow, that that little ebullition partook
somewhat of the nature of passion, and had just commenced reproaching
himself for having indulged in that little ebullition, when Valentine
cried ** Meyow ! pit ! Meyow !"
*'' Hallo !" exclaimed Mr. Jonas Beagle, " here again!'*
" Mew !*' cried Valentine in a somewhat higher key.
" What ! another come to contribute to the harmony of the even-
" Meyow ! meyow 1" cried Valentine, in a key still higher.
" Well, how many more of you ?" enquired Mr. Beagle. " You'll
be able to get up a concert by and bye ;" and Valentine began to spit
and swear with great felicity.
" Swear away, you beauties I" cried Mr. Jonas Beagle, as he listened
to this volley of feline oaths ; " I only wish that I was not so much
afraid of you for your sakes ! At it again ? Well this is a blessing.
Don't you hear these devils of cats !" he cried, anxious not to have M
the fun to himself; but Valentine recommenced snoring very loudly.
" Well, this is particularly pleasant,'* he continued, as he sat up in bed.
" Don't you hear I What a comfort it is to be able to sleep soundly !"
which remarkable observation was doubtless provoked by the no less
remarkable fact, that at that particular moment the spitting and swear-
ing became more and more desperate. ^^ What's to be done?" he en-
quired very pointedly. " What's to be done ? my breeches are right
in the midst of them all. I can't get out now : they'd tear the very
flesh off my legs ; and that fellow there sleeps like a top. Hallo !
Do you mean to say you don't hear these cats, how they're going it ?"
Valentine certainly meant to say no such thing, for the whole of the
time that he was not engaged in meyowing and spitting, he was dili-
VALENTINE VOX. 103
fently occupied in snoring, which had a very good effect, and served to
II up the intervab excellently well.
At length the patience of Mr. Jonas Beagle began to evaporate ; for
the hostile animals continued to battle apparently with great despera-
tion. He, therefore, threw a pillow with great violence into the bed
of his companion, and shouted so loudly that Valentine, feeling that it
would be deemed perfect nonsense for him to pretend to be asleep any
longer, began to yawn very naturally, and then to cry out *' Who's
there r
" 'Tis I !" shouted Mr. Jonas Beagle. "Don't you hear these witches
of cats V
" Hish !" cried Valentine, " why there are two of them !"
" Two !" said Mr. Beagle, " more likely two-and-twenty ! I've
turned out a dozen myself. There's a swarm, a whole colony of them
here, and I know no more how to strike a light than a fool."
** Oh, never mind," said Valentine : " let's go to sleep, they'll be
quiet by and bye."
" It's all very fine to say, let's go to sleep, but who's to do it?" cried
Beagle emphatically. " Curse tne cats ! I wish there wasn't a cat
nnder heaven^ I do, with all my soul ! They're such spiteful vermin
too when they happen to be put out, and there's one of them in a pas-
sion, I know by her spitting, confound her ! I wish from the bottom
of my heart it was the very last spit she had in her."
While Mr. Jonas Beagle was indulging in these highly appropriate
observations, Valentine was labouring with great energy in the pro-
duction of the various bitter cries which are peculiarly characteristic of
the feline race, and for a man who possessed but a very slight knowledge
of the grammatical construction of the language of that race, it must in
justice be said that he developed a degree of fluency which did him
great credit. He purred, and mewed, and cried, and swore, and spit,
nntil the perspiration oozed from every pore, and made the sheets as
wet as if tliey had just been " damped for the mangle."
" Well this is a remarkably nice position for a man to be placed in,
certainly," observed Mr. Beagle. *' Did you ever hear such wailing and
gnashing of teeth? Are you never going to leave off, you devils V* he
added, throwing the bolster with great violence under ^ the bed, and
therefore, as he fondly conceived, right amongst them. Instead, how-
ever, of striking the cats therewith, he unhappily upset something which
rolled with great velocity from one end of the room to the other, and
made during its progress so singular a clatter, that he began to " tut I
tut !" and ^ scratch his head audibly.
" Who's there ?" demanded Plumplee in the passage below, for he
slept in the room beneath, and the rolling of the article in question had
alarmed him : " Who's there ! d'ye hear? Speak ! or I'll shoot you like
a dog !" and on the instant the report of a pistol was heard, which in all
probability had been fired with the view of convincing all whom it
might concern that he had such a thing as a pistol in the honse.
104 LIFE AN1 ADVRNTURBS OF
^' Who*8 there !" lie again demanded: '* You vagabonds, I'll be at you !'*
an intimation that may be held to have been extremely natural under
the oixcumstanceB, not only becauae he had not even the slightest
intention of carrying so desperate a design into execution, but because
li0.^a consequence of having supped off cucumbers and crabs, of which
he happened to be particularly fond, seeing that as they didn't agree
with him, and invariably made him suffer, they partook of the nature of
forbidden fruit ^he hnud singularly enough been dreaming of being
attacked by a party of burglurs, and of having succeeded in frightening
them away by holding out a precisely similar threat.
" Beagle !" he shouted, after waiting in vain for the street-door to
bang.
^* Here !** cried Beagle, ^' come up here I It's nothing : I'll explain !
For Heaven's sake," he added, addressing Valentine, ^' open the door ;"
but Valentine was too much engaged to pay attention to any such
request.
At this moment the footsteps of Plumplee were heard upon the stairs,
and Mr. Beagle, who then began to feel somewhat better, cried, '^ Oomo
in 1 my good friend, come in !"
'^What on earth is the matter?" enquired Mr. Plumplee, as he
entered the room pale as a ghost in his night-shirt, with a pistol in ono
hand and a lamp in the other.
^' It's all right," said Beagle, ^^ 'twas I that made the noise. I've
been besieged by a cohort of cats. They have been at it here making
most healthful music under my bed for the lost two hours, and in trying
to make them hold tlieir peace with the bolster, I upset that noisy
afoir, thaf s all."
^* Gats I" cried Mr. Plumplee, '^ cats ! you ate a little too much
ettoumber, my friend ! that and the crabs were too heavy for your
stomach! you have been dreaming! you've had the night mare t
We haven't a cat in the house ; I can't bear them."
^' You are mistaken," rejoined Beagle, ** they're about here in swarms.
If I've turned one cat out this night, I'm sure that I've turned out
twenty I I've in fact done nothing else since I came up! In and out,
in and out ! Upon my life, I think I can't have opened that blessed
door less than a hundred and fifty times; aud that young fellow there
has been all the while fast as a church I"
" I tell you, my friend, you've been dreaming ! We have never had
a oat about the premises."
** Meyow, meyow 1" cried Valentine quietly,
^^ Now have I been dreaming !" triumphantly exclaimed Mr. Beagle^
" now have I had the night mare ?"
'^ God bless my life !" cried Mr. Plumplee, jumping upon Mr.
Beade's bed, '' they don't belong to me I"
''1 don't know whom they belong to ;" returned Mr. Beagle, '* nor
do I much care : I only know that there they are! If youll just
hoek those breeches up here, 1*11 get out and half murder tliem I Only
hook 'em this way I I'll wring their precious necks off!"
^^^H
IPBBBP^*^--
^ ^^.im^ Ji i^amm M
P
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1 ^^H
^^^^ ^^^H
m
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I
1 ^
^^^M
^^m
YALBNTINB YOX. 105
''They^ out of my teach," cried Plumplee. "Hkhl kishr
Fbidiiig, howerer, ihathanh temus had no good effect^ he had leoouzse
to the milder nd more perBuasive oiy of '^ fussy, pussy, pussy, pussy !
tit, tit, tit !"
" Hish I you devils !" cried Mr. Jonas Beagle, who began to be zeallj
eniiffedl
** Titty, titty, titty, titty ! puss, puss, puss I" iq)eated Mr. Plum-
plee in the blandest and most seductive tones, as he held the pistol by
the muade to break the back or to knock out the brains of the fiirt
unfortunate cat that made her appearance : but all this persuasion to
oome forth had no effect ; they continued to be invisible, v^hile the mew-
ing proceeded in the most mdlancholy strain.
^ What on earth are we to do ?" enquired Plumplee, '^ I mjrself have
a horror of cats."
*^ The same to me, and many of 'em !*' observed Mr. Beagle, ^^ Let's
wake that young fellow, perhaps he don't mind them."
'' Hollo 1" cried Plumplee.
^* Hul-lo !" shouted Beagle ; but as neither could make any impros-
sion upon Yalentine, and as both were afraid to get off the bed to sliake
him, they proceeded to roll up the blankets and sheets into balk and to
pelt him with infinite zeal.
*^ Who's there ? What's the matter ?" cried Valentine at length, in
the coolest tone imaginable, although his exertions had made him sweat
like a tinker.
^^ For Heaven's sake, my dear youns friend," said Mr. Plumplee,
^^ do asrist us in turning these cats out.
'' Cats I Where are they ? Hish !" cried Yalentine.
*'Oh, that's of no use whatever. I've tried the hishing business
mjrseH All the hishing in the world won't do. They must be beaten
out : you're not afraid of them, are you ?"
^Afraid of them ! afraid of a few cats!" exclaimed Valentine with
the assumption of some considerable magnanimity, ^' Where are they?"
Under my bed," replied Beagle, " There^s a brave fellow ! Break
their blessed necks !" and Valentine leaped out of bed and after striking
at the imaginary animab very furiously with the bolster, he hissed wi^
sreat violence and scratched across the grain of the boards in humble
uiitation of those domestic creatures scampering out of a room, when
he rushed to the door, and proceeded to make a very forlorn meyowing
die gradually away at the bottom of the stairs.
" Thank heaven ! they are all gone at last !" cried Mr. Beagle, *' we
shall be able to get a little rest now, I suppose ;" and after very minutely
surveying every comer of the room in which it was possible for one of
them to have lingered, he lighted his candle, bade Plumplee good night,
and besmd him to go immediately to Miss Madonna, who had been
calling rar an explanation very anxiously below.
As soon as Plumplee had departeo, Valentine assisted Beagle to
remake his bed ; and when they had accomplished this highly important
business with the skill and dexterity of a couple of thoroughbred
\6S LIFE AND ADTBHTimiaS OF
chaiiilemraid9, the light was again eztiogniahed and Mr. Beagle very
nataially made up his mnid to have a six hours' sound and uninterrupted
sleep. He had, howerer, scaieely closed his ef es when the mewing
was renewed, and as he had not even the smallest disposition to '^ listen
to the sounds so fomiHar to hiseai^'he started up at onoe and exclaimed,
^^ I wish I may dU if they're all out now ! Here's one of them left !"
added he, addressing Valentine^ hut Valentine having taken a deep
itispirstion answered only l^ respiring with a prolonged mgKng sound.
*^ He's off again hy the living Jove !" continued Beade. "I never
heard of any one rieeping so soundly. Hollo 1 my good fellow 1 ho !--
Fast as a four-year-old ! Won't you he quiet, you witek ? Are you
determined not to let me have a wink of sleep to-night? She must
be in the cupboard : I must have overlooked her ; and yet I don't see
how I could. Oh ! keep the thing up, dear ! Don't let me rest !" and
he fumbled about for his box, and having taken a hearty pinch of snuff,
began to turn the thing seriously over in his mind and to make a second
person of himself by way of having, under the circumstances, a cn-
panion with whom he could advise, and if necessary rsmonstmte.
** Well, what's to be done now?" enquired he of the second peison
thus established. *^ Wbat's to be the next step, Jonas ? It's of no use
at all, you know ! we can't go to sleep; ^we may just as well tiy to
get a kick at the moon ! nor must we again disturb iETiiA/ you ,
^onas! Jonas ! keep your temper, my bov 1 ^keep your temper ! Dcm't
let a contemptible cat put you out ! and Mr. Beagle took another
I^inch of snuff, ftom which he apparently derived a great degree of con-
solation. *^ What, at it again V* he continued, ** I wish I had the
wringing of your neck off, madam ! You want to put me in a passion ;
but you won't ! you can't do it ! therefore, don't lay thart nattering
unction to your soul ! Well, Jonas : how are we to act ? Shall we sit
here all night, or take up our bed and walk, Jonas? eb?"
Jonas was so struck with the expediency of the latter course, lAiat he
apparently uiged its immediate adoption ; for Mr. Beagle, in the first
'place, hair-dressed himself in bed, and in the next, threw the counter-
pane, a blanket, and a sheet over his shoulder; when, tucking a pillow
und a bolster under his arm, said, '* We'll leave you to your own con-
science, madam ! Good night !" and left the room witii the view of
seeking repose upon the sofa.
Valmitine was astonished at the coolness splayed by Ifr. Beagle
throughout the entire transaction ; and after reproaching the spirit of
mischief that was within him, and striving by way of a pumshment,
to disturb his own repose, and succeeded too as well as the monks of
old did when they Inflicted the scourge upon themselves he proceeded
to justify himself upon the ground that his object was to learn the true
characters of men, and bmng perfectly satisfied with that justificatioa,
went soundly and solemnly to sleep.
In the moming, of course, nothing but tales of horror went down.
'MV. Plumplee told his with the air of a man conscious of having been
inspired with the spirit of valour ; and Miss Madonna told hers with
YALENTnfB YOX 107
SFeat feeling and effect; but when Beegle began to explain to ikeni
Sow ke had been peieeoated, they foigot nieitown troublee and laughed
heartily at his, which was certainly, under the cixcumstanoesy extremely
repieheneibk, however natural pfaik)e^heni may hold it to be for the
rinbie fiicnltiee of meo to be provoked by the little vexations which
others endase.
But where, during the whc^ of this time^ waa poor Goodman?-
While Yalentine is on his way to town for whidi he immediately
after bieakfiwt pivpaied to start the next duster wall briefly eaqdain.
OOAPTEB XIV.
GOaPMAM IS OOMIHKTnED TO HIS MSW RBSIPBIfVB VHB UBBRTY OF TBB
SUBJBOr U.LQflirB4T]a ^TBB CJOmUDrCSKBIfT 09 AM BXFOSITION OV
h SYSIBN WHICH CAIHVOV BB OBNBR4VLY KKOWN.
Whsh Qoodauvi^ who had fiiinted on bebg thrust into the ooacl]^ had
been restored to astate of ooosdousnees, be found himedf perfectly wet^
for the ruffiaaa^ when they perceived all animation suqpendedy became
^ypiehensive of having earned their violence too far, and, therefbiie, at
ooioe pioouied a bottle of water, with which the j continued to i^rinkle
bim, until he awakened to a sense of his position, when, grasping the
arm of the feUow who sat beside him, and looking intently in his iaQe
he cried, ^' Tdl me^ my good man, teU me the meamng of this monstvons
^ uh, youll know the meviing on't soon enough, don't be impatieatiT
replied the fdlow.
^ But why have I thus been seo^ like a felon ? What have I done?
Whom have I injured ? I am uneonscious of having o&nded a single
soul."
'^Donft ask us kdj questions^" replied the fellow. ^^We know
nothing at all about it. We've got our orders, and that's enoii^lu*'
^^ But tell me this," urged Ooo&iaB, *^ oidy this, to what phiee axe
yon taking me now V*
^Oh, you'll know UeX enough 1 all in good time ! wait a little,
and then an idea '11 strike you."
^^ But saiely you oaa have no serious objection to let me know that?"
observed QoodnaiL
^^ O ! teQ the genelman," cried the ruffian who sat opporite. " He
a'n't like some on 'em, you know. 1 tell bim I it can t make much
odds you know now I"
'* It taint reglar," cried the other ; *' I haven't no partickler olgection,
ony it taint the tUng. Howsevei, I don't disbke him, 'cause he w a
genelman, so I don't mind."
lOd LIFE AND ADVEKTURlte OF
' ** Tell me, then/' said Goodman, impatiently.
^* Don't be in sich a hurry 1" cried the fellow, ^ you patients alwIiyB
is in sich a sweat."
*' Don't trifle with me, for Heaven's sake/'
"There you go again!" cried the fellow, "there you go!- why
can't you be cool? i don't mind telling you ! we're gpmg to take you
where you're going to be taken care on/'
" To a Lunatic Asylum ? Is it not so ?" cried Goodman.
*' Tou couldn't have guessed it much nearer if you'd tried every day
for a month. But it's a werry nice place ; werry private and genteel.
None o' your public 'uns !^-everythine slap and respectable I"
Goodman bad heiird much of private Lunatic Asylums: he had
heard of the viUanies practised therein ^villanies, however, which he
had conceived to be mere fictions, coined in the diseased imaginations of
those who had been properly confined, for he had hitherto repudiated
the idea of its being possible for such monstrous proceedings to be
tolerated in a country like this. Those acts of barbarity, however,
which he had assumed to be fictions, at this moment flashed across his
mind in the shape of realities, and prompted him to make a desperate
effort to escape, for he felt quite convmced, that if once they secur^ him
unknown to his friends, they in all probability would keep him there^
lingering in tortures till the day of his death. He, therefore, in order
that no suspicion might be excited, assumed an air of perfect calmness,
and after having, as he imagined, sufficiently ingratiated himself with
the ruffians by whom he had been seized, placed five sovereigns in the
hand of him who appeared to be the principal, and explained to him that
he would give him a cheque for a hundred more, if, instead of driving
him to the so-called asylum, he would permit him to return.
" It's no go," said the fellow. " It can't be done. I wish it could.
It's impossible. We're watched. The two doctors is behind with
your *' Here the fellow checked himself suddenly.
" With whom, my good friend, with whom ?" enquired Goodman.
** Why with with the genelman as sent for the doctors," readied
the fellow with considerable hesitation.
" And who is that ?" said Goodman, anxiously. " Who is it ? Tell
me but that !"
** Why, that's against the law!" cried the fellow, ^" Its a secret !
howsever, you'll know by and bye, I des say."
" Are they behind us now ?" enquired Goodman, attempting to look
out of the window.
** Tes, yes, they're acoming ; sit down, sit down,'' said the fellow,
and Goodman, whose object was to allay all suspicion, at once resumed
his seat.
*^ Have we iSw to go now ?" he enquired.
** Not far ; we're just at hand ; we shall be there in the matter o' ten
minutes."
Goodman now saw that no time was to be lost, for he had mode up
VALENTlNB VOX. 109
fais mind to make one desperate effort. He knew that if he once got
bidy out of the oo^h it wonld reqnire an exceedingly swift man to
overtake him, and emboldened by that knowledge, he prepared for a
spring.
*^ Another five minutes wiU do it/' said one of the men, thrusting his*
bead out of the window, a movement of which Goodman took instant
advantage, and, making a desperate plunge, dashed clean through the
opposite door.
'^ He's off by, Stop ! coachman, stop !" shouted one of the fellows.
*^ We shall never be able to catch him, for he has no flesh to carry.''
Nor would they have caught him, had it not most unfortunately
hi^pened that in plunging he sprained one of his ancles and fell.
llie coach stopped on the instant, and the ruffians leaped out ; and
as Goodman was unable to use both feet with firmness, they easily over-
took him, when one of them struck him a sledge-hammer blow upon
the back of the neck, and felled him at once to the ground.
^^ Is this the way you serve us for all our kindness V cried the fellow,
as he kicked him most cruelly in the stomach. ^* Is this your grati-
tude r
^^ Villains !'* shouted Goodman, and the cowardly scoundrels kicked
him still more severely.
^^ Up with you !" cried one of them, ^* Sam ! here, where are the
ruffles V and the fellow addressed instantly produced a pair of hand-
cn&, and began to unlock them.
^' I will not be manacled 1" cried Goodman, seizing the handcufis,
and holding them up as a weapon of defence. ^' It is for my personal
liberty I fight, and will peril my life to defend it. Although not mad,
I am desperate now, and the blood of him who attempts again to seiaae
me be on his own head 1"
The fellows for the moment held back. Accustomed as they had
been to deal with desperation, they for an instant appeared to be
appalled, ^' Let me have justice !" continued Goodman, '^ If I am
mad, let it be proved before the world I I will not be stolen from
society thus !"
At this moment a coach drew up to the spot, towards which Good-
man's eyes were directed with an expression of anxious hope, which
the ruffians no sooner perceived, than they spmng at him, seized him by
the throat, and kicked his legs from under him violently.
*' Help !*' shouted Goodman, as he saw the coach stop, ^^ Help !
murder !"
^* We'll help you !'' cried a person alighting, ^^ Oh I yes ; we'll assist
you with a vengeance !" cried another, who instantly followed, *^ We'll
help you !"
Goodman remembered those voices well, and on turning to the quarter
whence they came, every hope he had inspired was blasted by the sight
of Doctors Bowlemout and Dobb.
^* In wij^h him !" eried Dobb, with a fiendUke smile.
no LIPB AND AByBNTDRIB OF
^ YoQS yoattff buDy is not heie now 1" shouted Bowldmont; and he
and Dobb anaed Goodman's legs, while the two keepen lifted his body
and oanied him towards the coach doot.
Goodman, however, still stramled with all the strength at his oom*
maad, and sevenl times snooe^d in Ihmstinff the two doetois firam
him; and although they returned each time to m charge with mnewed
despcfalMMv every edbrt to throw him into the coach proved abortive^
which so enraged the two keepers, that after kicking him brutally in
Older to oompd him to bend his h^ they again seised him violently
by the throftt with the view of making him insensible by partial stmH
^kftioiL But all would not do. His struggles were still desperate.
They could not get him in. They applied to the coaolmien for aid ;
but in vain : they would render no asnstance ; they would not interfere.
''Tell him," at lengtik cried Dobb^ ''that he muH come! Ifs of no
use ; we shall never get him in ; come, he mmt !" And as * man,
who had till then kept concealed in the second coach, was being diaoged
forth by Bowlemout^ Goodman shrieked, " Merciftd God I my breimr I
*^h, Walter! Walter ; dear Waker, save me! Save me from these
murderous men V*
Walter approached; and Goodman struffg^ed more violentiy than
before ; but instead of rescuing him from the hands of the ruffians, he
assisted in throwing him into the coach like a dog !
The very moment he was in, the keepeis followed, and the doeleie
followed them : when the former at once seised him by the oeUar and
stuck tiieb knuskks fririously into his throat; while the hufcteor tied his
legs and held them down.
" My bsother !" cried Goodman" my brother against me ! God !
can it be?'' and tears f agony rolled down his cheSks, andhesobbed
like a child. " You need use no violence now," he continued. " My
brothes my own brother ! whom I have cherished, is my enemy : do
with me as you please : I shall now make no further resistance!"
" No ! cried one of Ite ruffians, shaking him brutally, " we'tt take
care you don't I We've had enough of you for one bout, at all events.
We'll take good care we don't have any more of it." And the villain
r' 1 thrust his knuckles into Us throaty and continued to shake him
a fiend.
The ceadi stopped. The outer gates of an attmctive and weU buBl
house opened to adsnt them, and dosed again the moment they wen
in^ when the fellow relaxing his hold, cried, " Now, you old scoundrel,
consider yourself booked here for life. You are safe enough now !
CKve us as much more of your nonsense as you dare!"
As soon as the door of the coach had been opened, the docton
aUghted, and when the keepers had unbound Goodman's legs, they left
him for a moment alone^ still sobbing.
"Ncfw, a'n't yon cominff out V demanded one of them, at len^ ;
and poor Goodman, who felt quite exhausted, made an effort to ahght^
but before he had descended two steps, the heartless ruffian ptfled him
YAtmrmrB vox. Ill
violently ilorwaxd, and dadied him with his face downwards upon tho
rgrugh graTel path.
^^ Come ! up with you !" shooted the ruffian, ktcking him over as
he would a dead do^ ; when, as Qoodman wae utterly unfile to rise, he
proceeded to drag hnn along tho ground, as the blood gushed in streams
ftom his nose and ears.
^* Act like men !" cried the coachman, .who sickened at the s^ht.
^* If he w mad, damme don't treat him like a varmint 1"
^ Mind your own business," cried a black-looking scoundrel, who
appeared to be the proprietor of this inflEunous den. '' What's your
fitte?"
'* Seven shillings I" indignantly shouted the coachman.
"Here it is. Now be off I we want none of your insolence here,"
"Lor send I may never have such another job as this I" cried the
coachman, on mounting his box. *' If I*d ha' knowed it, you should
ha' pulled me up five hundred times afore I'd ha' taken such a fare."
And he lashed his horses violently with a view of expressing his indig-
nation, and gave the fellow who held open the gates an apparently ac-
cidental cut across the cheek, as he drove through.
Poor Goodman, as well as he was able, now looked for his unnatural
brother, who, however, remained in the coach outside but no sooner
had he turned his head round, than he was dragged into a room, when,
another flood of tears having somewhat relieved him, he said faintly
to the person to whom a paper in which Bowlemout and Dobb had
certified to his insanity, was delivered. " Are you, dr, the proprietor
of this establishment ?"
" I am !" said that person, vrith a scowl.
" Will YOU do me the favour then to show me your authority for my
detention f **
" Hold your tongue, sir !"
* I merdy wish"
" Silence r interrupted the scowling brute; "strip him, and put
him to bed !" added he, addressing his myrmidons. " If he dares to
show any of his devil's tricks here, why you know how to servo
him."
Goodman was accordingly dragged into a narrow dark cell, stripped
Had thrown upon a pallet ; when the ruffians, after swearing that they
would come and knock his brains out if he made the slightest noise,
lodted him up for the night.
"Heaven's will be done I" exclaimed Goodman, on being left alone.
"But, oh God! am I mad? I must be ^I feel that I must; for I
thought and still think I saw my brother ! that brother to whom I have
never been unkind whom I have cherished through life, with the most
affectionate tenderness whom I have sustained. Oh 1 it cannot-*-im-
possible! I am, I am nuidf And yet surely, thb cannot be a
dream ? No !- no ! I am awake now ! God ! what can it be ? Not
madness? I can remember every circumstance can connect and re-
112 LIFB AND ADTmrVRBS OF
view. Those ph3r8ician8 ! they spoke of myconnectioninth an empetor !
/ nerer imagined myself to be thus connected ! It must be a mistakcu
Yet who sent them ? Walter I his motive ? ^immediate possession ! It
must have been ! Oh ! what a villanoos system is this ! what man is
secure from being seized, confined, murdered ? If I am not mad, I soon
shall be !" Ana thus he proceeded until mental and physical agony
induced absolute ezhanstion.
CHAPTER XV.
TALBNTINB TISITS THE BRITISH MUSEUM IMPARTS BREATH TO MEMNON
AND RAISES A TOICE FROM THE TOMB.
On reaching the residence of Goodman, Valentine found the old serrant
in tears, and, as he became apprehensive of something of a very serious
character having occurred, he walked immediately into the parlour and
desired her to follow him. ^' Something has happened, Ann," said he
with much earnestness, *' tell me, what is it ?"
Ann sobbed bitterly, but managed to observe, '^ I don't know
what ^I've -done, sir I thought ^I gave good satisfaction."
** What on earth is the matter T cried Valentme impatiently.
" Master, sir's given me wa-aming."
" Oh when did he return V*
** I haven't set eyes on him since Saturday, when he left with you,
sir."
** Then how can he have given you warning V*
*^ He sent it by his brotner," cried Ann. *' Mr. Walter has been
here and read a letter he'd just received from master, where he says
he's going to be out of town for a time, and that I must look out for
another place."
" And where is he now ?*'
" Mr. Walter says that mayn't be known."
^' He read the letter to you ?"
*'' Yes, all but where it came from, and dear me, I'd almost forgot :
He wished me to say, sir, that master's kind regards, and as he shouMn't
p'raps come back for some weeks or a month, he thinks you'd better
return to the country, and he'll send you another invitation by and bye.*'
^' This is very extraordinary I" thought Valentine, ^^ I'd no idea of
his being even in the slightest degree involved. When are you to
leave, Ann V
" To-night, sir."
' To-night !"
^*^ Yes, sir, tliis blessed night ! Mr. Walter has settled with me and
paid me my month, and 1 m to leave this night, sir ! would yon
believe it r
VALifiKTIKB VOX. 113
V Aja4 who'9 to take charge of the house i"
^^ M ra. Horace is coming this evening, and she and her husband are
going to remain."
"Indeed I I must see Mr. Walter."
** Yes, do, air. But wont you have nothing to take ? You'll come
home to dinner, sir, wont you ?"
" N'o, I shall dine out," said Valentine, and he left the house at oiiO0
with the view of calling * upon Walter. " Poor old gentleman !" he
murmured, on his way, ^' He has been entering into some unsuccessful
speculation. What an extraordinary passion is this love of wealth!
An old man like that now, having plenty, to risk probably all that he
possessed with the view of gaining more than he could possibly enjoy !
How is it that men are never satisfied with that which they have V*
Before he had framed a satisfactory answer to this question he reached
the door of Walter s residence.
'* Mr. Groodman is not at home, sir," said the servant, in answer to
Yalentine^s enquiry.
" Nor Mrs. Goodman ?"
" No, sir ; they went out with Mr. and Mrs. Horace, and I don't
expect them home before night.'*
Valentine perceived in a moment by the unsteady eye and the hesir
tating speech of the girl that what she had stated was not exactly correct.
He did not, however, press the matter farther, but left his card, and
bade her say that he would call in the evening.
"Now what shall I do with myself," thought Valentine, as he
walked very leisurely from the house. " I wish that I knew a little
more about London. However, I must, I suppose, be content to take
my chance." And he continued to walk, without knowing or caring
much where. He had not, however, proceeded any very great distance
before he came to an old fashioned red brick building, on either side of
the gates of which a sentinel was walking, with a view to the unin-
termpted circulation of his blood.
" What place is this ? " he enquired of one of these national
guardians.
" Brish Museum," returned the sentinel, marvelling at his ignorance,
and walking away as stiffly as if he had that morning swallowed hb
ramrod by mistake.
"The British Museum!" sud Valentine, without thanking the
oldier for his extraordinary politeness ! " The very place I want to see !"
And he entered the court-yard at once, and after looking with a curious
eye at a creature in a long wooden wig, and at a canoe of great antiquity,
which appeared to have been constructed by some ingenious wild gen*
tlemen out of the bark of a tree, he reached the Hall, when, after having
purchased a catalogue of one individual, and delivered his stick to
another, be passed a well stuffed rhinoceros that had evidently known
what it waB to have a bullet or two in his body, and proceeded up
fltair% at the top of which stood a few very gigantic giraffes, with neekt
114 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
suB.cieDtl7 long to have enabled them to dine without the slightest
inconvenience in an attic, while standing outside the street door.
Having surveyed these lofty creatures, he passed through the rooms
in which the specimens of various animals were so numerous that a
student in Natural History might spend the full term of his natural life
without acquiring a perfect knowledge of their respective characteristics !
These, however, did not appear to tne majority of the visitors to be the
most attractive animals in this vast collection. The chief attraction
seemed to be centred in the visitors themselves, and from the number
of nods of recognition, and meetings by appointment which came under
the immediate cognisance of Valentine, he was naturally led to infer that
this national establishment was a national place of assignation. He
never had lavished upon him at any one time so many really wicked
glances. The widows were desperately intent upon something; tliey
appeared to be especially on the qui vive^ and as his eyes met theirs at
every turn, he jumped at once to the conclusion that if they were really
virtuous they were really not very discreet, and after taking a good
steady look at a lobster, that was pinned very closely to the wainscot,
he proceeded to the Gallery of Antiquities below.
This place he found remarkably cool and pleasant. He surveyed,
without the slightest interruption, a legion of little gods which appeared
to have been barbarously mutilated in their infancy ; and then turned
his attention to a number of young artists, who had obviously inspired
the conviction that they were on the high road to immortal fame.
One was sketching a goddess without a nose : another was portray-
ing a ram-headed lady ; a third was engaged upon a striking colossal
fist ; a fourth was drawing the fragment of seme hero, who appeared to
have lost the greater part of himself in some desperate battle ; a fifth
was depicting an excellent vvoman, who had not only lost her head and
one of her shoulders, but out of whose arm a large piece appeared to
have been bitten, and who was represented kneeling behind a tablet well
covered with exceedingly interesting hieroglyphics ; while a sixth was
engaged upon three very bandy little deities, who looked as if they
might have accomplished great things in their time.
Having inaudibly awarded to these artists all the praise which
appeared to be due to them respectively, Valentine passed on until he
came to a figure of which a number of persons appeared to be at that
moment lost in admiration. This figure was placed upon a huge block
of stone, and although its face was by far the most pleasing of them all,
one side of its head had been chopped 6% apparently with some heavy
implement, while the left arm and shoulder with the whole of the body
below the third rib had been blown clean away.
On referring to his catalogue, Valentine found this to be the bust of
young Memnon, and as certain elderly gentlemen who formed part of
the group were conversing on the subject of oracles in general, he
listened with considerable attention to their discourse, and Kuud them
to be exceedingly communicative men.
" There is nothing," said one of the elderly persons, " that can have
VALENTINE vox. 115
80 great a tendency to prove the rapid progress of the human intellect
as an oracle. If any man of the present age were capable of even
dreaming that a mere mass of stone had the power to speak, he would
be set down at once as a natural fool ; yet to what an extent did the
priests and false prophets, the eugastrimandi of the Greeks, the ma-
gicians, the soothsayers, and sorcerers of Rome, impose, in the remote
ages, upon the superstitions multitude V
"Surely,'' thought Valentine, "those prophets and priests knew
nothing of ventriloquism !"
" They were artful cards doubtless,*' observed a tall thin person,
who wore a singularly small pair of spectacles ; " but how did they ma-
nage it ? that puzzles me. By what means were they able to carry on
their games ?"
" It is utterly impossible to say," replied the elderly gentleman who
had started the subject. " It is reported, you know, of the famous Kire-
ber, that in order to undeceive the credulous people and to account for
certain strange things relating to the celebrated Delphic Oracle, he fixed
a tube in his bed-chamber, so that when persons came to his garden
gate he could hear them if they but whispered, and by means of this
tube he asked questions and gave answers, and that he afterwards re-
moved it to his museum and nxed it in a figure, so that it seemed to be
animated, and distinct sounds apparently issued from its mouth, for he
clearly supposed that the pagan priests by using such tubes, used to
make the superstitious believe that the idol itself returned answers to
their questions. And there can be no doubt that it was done by
some trickery on the part of the priests, who, when they found their
power waning, sought to sustain it by the performance of miracles
of this kind.''
" Was this Memnon a vocal god ?" enquired the tall thin gentleman.
" Of course he was ! and one of the very greatest."
*' He appears to have been a big one, but I can see no tube, nor
any place into which a tube could possibly have been inserted."
" It was not done with tubes !" said Valentine to himself. " In
those days I should have made an excellent miracle-monger ; I may as
well try the effect now ;" when, placing himself in a favourable position,
" Fools," he cried, in a deep sepulchral tone, making his voice proceed
apparently from the thick lips of Memnon, " Think ye that Memnon
was never inspired ?"
The group at once shrank back appalled ! some felt quite faint for tlie
moment, as they stared at the statue and trembled, while the rest
looked amazed at each other, but neither of them ventured to utter
a word.
" Be off!" shouted Valentine through Memnon. " If they had nt left
my legs behind in Egypt, I'd jump down and kick you out of the place !"
*' Wonderful !*' involuntarily exclaimed the old gentleman, who had
been so severe upon the pious men of old.
" Wonderful l" cried Valentine, contemptuously, " convince thyself !
Test my prophetic soul ! test it ! Would'st thou know thy destiny ?
Dpeak !
116 LIFE AND ADVHNTUBBS OF
^* Ye-yes !" cried the stout old gentleman, who evidently prided him-
self upon his courage. ^^ Who's afraid ?"
"Tip then!" cried Memnon. "Tip! I never did duty without it,
and I shan't commence now !"
The astonished group again stared wildly at ^ach other. " Did you
see hi^ lips move?" enquired one. "I thought that I did!" replied another,
*' I fancied I saw them move."
"Fool!" exclaimed Memnon, "Dost thou wish to insult me?
Think'st thou, idiot, the inspired Memnon would condescend to wag hia
sacred lips like a grovelling mortal V
At this moment an individual who had a remarkably red face, and
whose breath told a tale about his having indulged recently in hot rum
and water, approached, and when the assumed fact of Memnon having
spoken had been communicated to him, he laughed very heartily as a
matter of course.
" You will not believe it ? Speak to him, and be convinced," urged
the stout old gentleman seriously.
"Speak to him ?" cried he with the florid face; " Speak to him?
Well my old trump, how's your mother ?"
" Irreverent wretch !" exclaimed Memnon indignantly ; " know thy-
self and drink less mm !"
" Hollo !" cried the gentleman with the highly coloured countenance.
" Hul-lo I" and he closed one eye in order to have a good stare at the
statue with the other, while his mouth was as wide open as a mouth
of that size could conveniently be strained.
" Are ye satisfied ?" cried Memnon. " Learn to respect what yo
cannot comprehend. I want repose. D'ye hear? Be off; and dis-
turb me no more !" And Valentine viewed with silent pleasure the
astonishment depicted in the countenances of the group while engaged
in conversing on the marvellous nature of that which they imagined they
had witnessed.
Having heard these amazed individuals declare, that although they
might meet during their progress through life with many staunch unbe-
lievers, nothing on earth would ever be able to shake their faith in the as-
sumed fact that the oracle had absolutely spoken, Valentine proceeded to
survey the Elgin marbles and derived much amusement from a couple
of highly-gifted connoisseurs, who were loudly and learnedly descanting
on their peculiar excellencies.
" Well, Jones," said one of these gentlemen, " What do you think of
them eh 7*
" Think of 'em !" contemptuously cried Jones, thrusting his hand into
his ample coat pockets. " I would'nt give two-pence for the lot."
" You don't know the value of them surely ?"
" I dont if they 're worth more money. Did you ever in ail your born
days see such rubbisli ? Why I wouldn't pick 'em up in the street I I
wouldn't own 'em ! If they belonged to me I'd pitch the whole biling
into the Thames."
" But look, my dear fellow take this for example just look at the
symmetry"
VALENTINE VOX . 117
'* Symmetry ! What's the good of that ? He aint got no head and
not ahove half a body. Where are his legs gone to ? look at that arm
there chopped all to smash at the elbow I Symmetry ! come, that's good.
Why I've got a group of goddesses at home that I gave fifteen pence
for, that would, in point of symmetry, beat the whole biling into
fitsl"
** But take them as fragments"
^^ That's precisely what do I take 'em as ! I can't take *em as anything
else 1 and pretty fragments they are !"
" But their age, my dear fellow !"
^' Now, don't tell me I Just look at this woman here ! Send I may
live ! why there aint above a quarter on her left !'*
^^Bnt you must look at the parts that are remaining !"
*' And so I just do ! There's nothing else to look at ! It won't do, you
know, at least it won't do for me ! Hotoever they can gammon the
people to believe that there's an3^hing fine in such rubbish as this, puts
me out altogether. There isn't one of 'em perfect, nor anything
like it. That fellow there's the best of the bunch, and they've smashed
off the biggest part of his corporation ! to have a post mortal exa-
mination I s'pose I Of all the rum rotten trash that ever was scraped
together this queer lot bangs all ! Come ! " he added, seizing the arm
of his friend and dragging him from the room ; '^ let's go and look at
something a leetle worth while."
Valentine derived so much pleasure from the learned observations of
this individual and the John- BuU-ish, solemn, self-satisfied air with
which those observations were made, that he left the Elgin marbles to
follow him and his friend, with the view of still farther indulging his
taste for the sublime.
*' This is a pretty good sized coffin," observed Mr Jones, approaching
a ponderous granite sepulchre, the lid of which w.os held up by a strong
wooden frame that the whole of the interior might be viewed. "It
would hold a couple of dozen dead bodies well packed ! The water
couldn't get in very well here I say, could it ? And as to the worms !
they might try till they ground their teeth down to the level of their
old gums before they'd bo able to nibble their way through. This is
just the sort of coffin that I should like to have now only it would cost
so much to carry it to the grave. It would take twenty men, and even
then they'd make a muddle of it. Here's another of them," he added as
he crossed to the opposite side, " they appear to be fellows."
Now as the lid of this happened to be down, and as it was perfectly
obvious that Mr. Jones had entered the Museum expressly in order to
be astonished ; it recurred at once to Valentine, that it would be a pity
to allow him to depart disappointed. He therefore, while apparently
admiring with others an exceedingly broad Egyptian pedestal, intro-
duced a quiet groan into the sepulchre, as Jones was engaged in pointing
out to his friend the ridiculous character of certain hieroglyphics.
'* Hush ! hush ! " cried that gentleman, starting back suddenly and
eizing the arm of his friend. " Hush ! did'nt you hear ? "
118 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
" I thought I heard something, " observwi his friend whispering,
** Hush I hush -sh ! Listen ! " and Valentine sent in another small groan.
*^ Send I may live ! tis a man !" exclaimed Jones.
^^Impossible T'cried his friend. " Why do you know the ageof thisthing?"
^^ I don't care a dump about the age ! If it is in its fifty millionth
year it don't matter a button : there's something alive in it now listen
again !" and the violence of his action drew several persons round, of
course anxious to ascertain what had caused so much excitement.
Now Valentine happened to be by no means conversant with the
language of the Egyptians, and as he conceived that it might spoil the
wliole thing if he ventured to speak, heconfinedhimself simply to the in-
troduction of a long drowsy yawn which he presumed to have been well
understood in all ages and climes. Before he had finished yawning,
however, Jones again started up, and addressing an individual who was
sleeping in a chair with a long white wand in his hand, cried, *'*' Here !
he's been buried alive ! He's just awoke ! do you hear !"
The individual with the wand opened his eyes, and scratched his
head and approached crying, " What's the matter ? what's all
this~eh ?"
*' Why here's somebody been buried alive here," said Jones.
" Pooh ! nonsense ! are you mad ? " cried the person with the wand
assuming some considerable amount of official dignity.
*' I don't care a straw what you say," returned Jones, " I know that
there's some one in there ! did you never hear of a man being buried
iA a trance ?"
"Why you must be insane!" cried the fanctionary. "That tomb
has been empty ever since before you and your grandmothers and grand-
fathers before you were bom !"
" I don't care a button how long it has been empty ! I'll bet fifty
pounds that there's some one in now !" ^
*^ I certainly myself heard something," observed a gentleman who had
been attracted with others to the spot.
" Oh nonsense ! " cried the official ** Why it was only cleaned out
the other day !"
"But satisfy yourself!" exclaimed Jones; really wondering at the
stubborn cold-blooded incredulity of the man.
" I am I am satisfied ! " cried the official ; but another yawn which
Valentine dexterously introduced at the moment, caused him to
start back amazed. Down went his wand and away he flew, in order
to proclaim as well as he could the fact to his brother officers ; who, in-
ferring from the highly excited state of his nerves that something was
the matter, return^ with him at once, with the view of rendering
whatever assistance the case might demand.
The very moment, however, that the case was explained, they treated
the thing with an air of derision. They all laughed as heartily as men
could laugh, and in a manner well calculated to be extremely service-
able to them in a physical point of view inasmuch as it gave them
great pain, as they had not had a really good laugh for an age.
YALENTING VOX. 119
" Why, Simpkins," cried one, " n)on my soul, I didu't tliink youM
been so soft !*' But Mr. Simpkins by no moans regarded it as so excel-
lent a joke as they appeared to imagine. He took an altogether dif-
ferent view of the matter, for although he felt perfectly sure that the
tomb did not contain an Egyptian, as he had seen it but a few days pre-
viously, open and empty, he was not quite so sure that the worktueu in
dosing the lid had not shut in some poor devoted labourer, whom they
had either forgotten or cared not to release. He, therefore, heeded not
their derision ; but being an extremely humane man kept his ear very
closely to the tomb, while they were laughing and joking with glee by
his side.
" For Heaven's sake !'* at length he exclaimed, " be silent for a mo-
ment !*' But they would not be silent : they continued to laugh very
loudly, and very wantonly, until Jones and several others made an
earnest appeal to their humanities, begging them to hold tlieir peace,
but for an instant, in order that they themselves might be convinced
that the sounds were not the offspring of mere imagination.
*' Well, let's give these very silly people a chance !" cried one of
the men who had been so strongly moved to laughter. *' Let us listen
to the cries and groans of this mummy. Now hush ! hush !" And
several of those who had been thus enjoined to silence commenced groan-
ing very furiously a feat which not only excited another peal of laugh-
ter, but inspired Mr. Jones with much real indignation. '^ Inhuman
wretches !" he exclaimed, *' assist me in raising the lid of this tomb, I
tell you there's some one inside ! I know it ; I 'm sure of it ; I'll bet
any one of you fifty pounds of it !" And Mr. Jones produced a pocket-
book containing a roll of notes which astoniihed the official eyes of the
functionaries around him and caused them respectfully to open their ears.
The effect was electric. Their countenances dropped in a moment. A
more powerful argument could not have been adduced, for they began
to believe at onc^ that there must be something in it, and, hence, to pay
all due attention.
Finding that the general impression was that he whom they imagined
to be in the tomb, was not an Egyptian, but a labourer, Valentine
concluded that as a labourer must of course mean an Irishman, he
couldn't go very far wrong if he gave them a spice of the brogue.
** Och ! what the blazes will I do thin !" he cried, " be me sowl I'm
clane didd althegidher entirely murther !"
** Now, what d'ye think of it !" cried Simpkins, triumphantly.
*' Somebody's there, sure enough ;" said one of those who had previ-
ously treated the whole tlung with contempt. " But how could he get
m?
" Never mind a dump," cried Jones, " how he got in ; let's try to
get him out."
" Dirthy wather to yo, lit me thin have a brith of air I'll be shmud-
her'd complate wid th' want of it och !"
** But a moment, my good fellow now ^now give a lift I" And
Mr. Jones and tlie whole of the officials put the palms of their hands to
the lid of the tomb, which however defied all their strength.
120 LIFE AND ADTEMTURES OF
" Run, run, for the workmen \" cried Simpkins, '^ bring them at
once or the man will be a corpse !*' and two wand-bearers started off
immediately for the men who were engaged in a different part of the
museum.
" What a lucky thing it was that I happened to hear him !" observed
Mr. Jones. ^' If I haihi't, the chances are that he'd never have come
out alive. It was the merest miracle in nature I heard him groan."
" Why," said Simpkins, " he must have been in five days ^the thing
hasn't been opened since Wednesday."
^^ Five days \" exclaimed several of the visitors, in a breath, as a
violent thrill of horror ran though them. " Five days !" and they made
up their minds to see a skeleton.
" Shall nobody thrag me out of this ?" cried Valentine. Will I
be shmudher'd at last ?
^' Wait a moment, my good fellow, wait but a moment !" cried Jones
putting his lips to the lid of the tomb.
^' In a moment I'm didd widout doubt. I fale dhreadful. Arrah
thin you devils ! Is it thin at yer aise ye*d be afther shtanthing whin
yer say a boy murther d to dith ! Take the top off complate or be the
sowl that's inside o'me "
" Don't be impatient !" cried Jones " You must not be impatient."
" It's impatient yer mane ? Opin the top then, bad luck t'yer, opin
the top ! Aint it jist like a baste I've bin thrated sure ? Opin the
top !"
At this moment the workmen arrived with their tools, and after some
slight delay during which the imaginary Irishman was engaged in call-
ing out very fiercely they succeeded in introducing a lever. This was
no sooner done than Valentine perceiving that the game was nearly up,
cried, " It's all complately over wid me now. I'm quite murthered
I'm gone I'm at pace !" and turned round with a view to the full
enjoyment of the scene.
The visitors were in a state of the most painful anxiety : the wand-
bearers felt scarcely able to breathe ; while the workmen perspired with
infinite freedom, for the weight of the lid was immense. They did, how-
ever, eventually succeed in raising it sufficiently to enable them to ex-
amine the interior, and this was no sooner accomplished than a dozen
simultaneously looked in, very natiuully expecting to behold a fellow-
creature lying prostrate at the bottom.
** Where is he ?" cried one. " I can't see him 1" cried another. " Not
here !" cried a third " the thing's empty !"
" Oh nonsense !" shouted several of the visitors who were behind.
*' Well you'd better come and find him," said those who had looked,
givingway to the incredulous creatures who had not.
" Where can he be got to ?" inquired Mr. Jones.
** He was never there at ail ! " cried the very official who had
previously laughed the very heartiest of the lot. ^^ It's precisely
what I said ! The idea of a man being in ! How could he have got
there ?"
VALENTINE VOX. 121
" Do you mean to say," observed Jones, " that you don't think a
man was in tliis thing at all V*
" I do !" replied the official very firmly.
" Then / mean to say you know nothing about it ! Tlie go is a rum
f^ certainly, a very rum go ; but isn't a man to believe his own ears ?
heard him myself! Diant you sir? and you?" As several of the
Tisitors bore testimony to the fact of their having heard some voice pro-
ceed from the tomb, Jones continued, " Of course I We all heard it !
One may be deceived, or two may be deceived, or even three may l)e
deceived, but, send I may live, wo can't all be deceived !"
" Well where is he now ? where is he ?"
" That's jist the very pint that I can't make out : it's in fact the only
pint to be considered."
And the point was considered very deeply considered but the con-
sideration yielded nothing bearing even the semblance of a conjecture !
They could not conceive now a man could have escaped, nor could they
believe that no man had been there. They examined the tomb mi-
nutely again and again, but failed to find even so much as a crack to
give weight to any opinion having reference to the exit of any thing
nke a human being. They still, however, tried very hard ^very, very
hard indeed to reconcile the fact of their having licard the voice
of a man, with the fact of no man being there ; and as Valentine's
appetite began to be somewhat troublesome, he left them engaged in
unravelling that mystery which he perfectly well knew they were unable
to solve.
CHAPTER XVI.
**
Having dined at the first decent tavern he came to, Valentino started
for poor Goodman's house ; but as he found it locked up and entirely
deserted he proceeded at once to the residence of Walter, with the view
of ascertaining, if possible, the cause of this unusually sudden change.
On reaching the house, he found the servant at the door, and in
aaswer to his numerous enquiries, the girl told an interesting tale about
how Mr. Goodman, her master, had oeen out all the day with her
mistress : how Mr. and Mrs. Horace had been out all day with them ;
how they were all out together on some pressing business, then, and
how she didn't expect they would be home before midnight.
*' I'll leave a note for your master," said Valentine ; '^ I suppose I
shall find a pen and ink in the parlour V'
* Oh," said the girl, placing herself hurriedly before him, " Missis
R
122 LIFB AMD ADYBNTURE8 OF
has locked up the parlour, sir; she always does when she goes out for
any time."
" Has she locked up the drawing-room too ?" enquired Valentine.
*' Yes, sir, there's a tavern over the way, sir : if you'll write a note
there, sir, if you please, I'll he sure to give it master, directly he comes
home."
At this moment Walter, of course quite unconscious of the door heing
open, rushed out of the parlour in his morning gown and slippers, ana
was ahout to proceed up stairs, when he caught a glance of Valentine
in the passage.
''Oh I how do you do?" he cried, making an extremely awkward
attempt to conceal the confusion into which he had heen thrown.
** Happy to see you ! very happy to see you ! walk in !" and he
gave a most withering look at the girl, although it was clearly hy no
means her fault.
On entering the parlour Valentine found the whole family engaged
in the perusal of a mass of papers with which the tahle had been
strewed ; and although they received him with much affected pleasure,
he perceived in a moment that he was a most unwelcome guest.
"So the old buffers bolted and left you in the lurch," observed
Horace, trying to conceal the iron safe which belonged to Goodman.
'' It's just like the old out and outer."
" I hope nothing serious has occurred,'' observed Valentine.
'' Oh, not a ha'porth of it ! terums I ^no chance of that !" returned
Horace. " But you know he's such a jolly old rum un there's no such
thing as holding him any how."
*' I feared," said Valentine, *' that he had entered into some unsuc-
cessful speculation, and had thus become involved."
*' Speculation !" cried Horace, *' Well, come, that's rich ! Why, did
you ever suppose that a regular old know-nothing out-and-out cove of
his kidney had half enough pluck to"
" My dear Horace, how you do talk !" interrupted Mrs. Goodman,
" When you know that he has been speculating "
*' Oh I ah ! exactly !" said Horace, who had evidently forgotten his
part.
'' The fact is," said Walter, '' he has been dabbling a little, and that
has rendered it inexpedient for him to be seen for a week or two, you
understand ?" Valentine nodded, for he did understand what they
wished him to understand ; but no more. There is something behind^
thought he. These hesitating speeches and secret looks mean iomethirt^,
^ And what do you think of doing, my trump ?" said Walter, as
Valentine was steadily watching their actions. *'Do you mean to
remain here in tiiis littie villa^ or do you mean to cut back ?"
** Why the thing is so sudn, I've not at present made up my mind.
Of oonrse I shall eventually return."
'' My brother," observed Walter, '' in his.letter to me, states that he
dionld advise you to return at once, and that when eveiytbing is
cettkd bo^sfaall again foe most happy to see you."
VALEMTIMB VOX. 123
^ Had he irritten to hm to that eflPect," said Valentine, '' I should,
douhtless have acted at onoe upon his advice ; hut as he has not and
I cannot hut think it most extraordinary that he has not 1 feel justi-
fied in looking to my own feelings for a guide/*
^' We ought, I'm sure, to make a thousand apologies," observed Mrs.
Goodman, as she pinned three pieces of parchment together, and marked
them ; " but I hope that the next time you favour us with a visit we
shall not be so deeply engaged."
^' Where do you think of holding out until you cut it?" enquired
Horace.
I hardly know yet,*' replied Valentine,
I'm sorry," said Mrs. Goodman, *'that we have not a bed to offer
you ; but we shall be truly happy to see you whenever you will fevour
us with a call."
" My boxes," said Valentine, " I suppose that if I send for them to-
morrow, I can have them ?"
" Most certainly, my dear sur," replied Walter, 111 see that they
are safely delivered myself."
" Well, ta, ta, my tulip, if you will go," cried Horace : " Take care
of yourself, and let's know where you are, you know T
Valentine promised to do so, and after taking leave of the ladies was
attended to the door by Walter, who displayed an extraordinary degree
of politeness ; and left the house deeply inspired with the conviction tiiat
something was exceedingly wrong.
As he wandered down the street reviewing steadily all that he had
seen, it occurred to him that in a window immediately opposite the house
in which he and poor Goodman had resided, he haa noticed a card on
which was print^ ^' apartments for a single gentleman /' and as
he strongly suspected foul play, and felt that by engaging those apart-
ments he should be able to watch the movements of Walter and his fa-
mily unseen, he went at once to the house -came to terms with the
widow by whom it was kept, and after stating the fact of his having
lived opposite-^a fact which appeared to be perfectly well known
took immediate possession.
He had not been seated long at his window, which commanded of
course a fuU view of Goodman's house, when he saw Walter, Horace,
his wife and her servant, with two workmen, enter. The moment they
were in, the door closed, and soon after the workmen were seen in the
drawing room and then at the windows above, where they appeared to
be receiving instructions from Walter, with reference to the removal of
certain fixtures, and shortly afterwards quitted the house with him,
leaving in chaige of it Horace and his wife.
As the evenmg drew on, the shutters were closed, and all seemed
secured for the night, when Valentine, who had had but little sleep the
night previously m consequence of having persecuted Beagle with the
cats, had a very early supper and retired.
In the morning the whole family were at work long before he was
up, and throughout the entire day they were busily enga^sd with clerks,
124 LIFE AND ADTBNTURBS OF
caipentezs, and porters with green aprons, examining, tying up and lot-
ting the furniture. Valentine watched their actions narrowly, and to-
wards the evening slipped out, took a coach, and called himself for his
boxes, without apparently noticing the confusion that prevailed ;^ and
after driving right away that they might not know where he resided,
came back to his lodgings unseen.
That night about ten a cart came to the door, and when a number of
baskets which evidently contained plate, china and glass, had been de-
posited with care, it drove ofl^ when Valentme watcmed it to the house
of Walter, saw it emptied, and returned.
Nothing more was removed that night, but early the following morn-
ing tliree hurge vans were loaded with great facility. Walter ajppeared
to be extremely anxious for them to start, and when they did start,
Valentine followed and saw their contents deposited at the rooms of an
Auctioneer. He then knew of course that they were to be sold off at
once, and as he saw by the papers that a sale of household furniture was
to take place the following day at those rooms, he resolved to be there,
in order to fathom the thing, if possible, to the bottom.
Accordingly at twelve the next day he started off, and having arrived
at the entrance ; on dther side of which were exhibited a variety of cata-
logues and placards he proceeded up a long narrow passage, and
then ascended a small flight of steps, which 1^ immediately mto the
Sale Room.
In the centre of this room stood a circular table, round which certain
children of Israel were seated with a view of securing all bargains to
themselves, while behind them stood small mobs of people of the same
persuasion, conversing on the expediency of giving certain sums for cer-
tain lots, and of out- bidding any christian person who might have a
desire to purchase those lots " worth the money."
The moment Valentine entered, he looked round for Walter and his
amiable family, whom, in a short time he saw in a state of great con-
sternation, which had evidently been induced by his unexpected presence.
He seemed, however, to take no notice of them ; but apparently di-
rected the whole of his attention to the actions of those who by con-
stantly attending these Sale Rooms raise fortunes upon Fortunes' ruins.
Before he had concluded the minute survey he had commenced, a tall
white faced personage entered the room, and having jumped upon the
circular table, shut himself quietly in a juvenile pulpit, made a
sort of speech touching the matter in hand, stuck an eye glass very
dextrously between his cheek bone and his brow, and brought forth
his professional hammer. He was a remarkably short-sighted person,
and had to bring his head down within an inch of the catalogue in order
to ascertain the exact number of the first lot ; and when this had been ac-
complished to his entire satisfaction, he very delicately scratched his
head, every whitey -brown hair upon which seemed to be too independent
to stand on any but its own bottom, when after having slightly rubbed
hid nose, which, albeit, it was hooked like the majority of the noses pre-
bent, was yet of a totally different ea:te, inasmuch as in his case the hook
TALEHTIIfB TOX. 1 25
was inyerted ; lie coughed twice with spirit, gave aevenl -heiiis ! and
then boldly commenced operatioiis.
The fiist lot was put up and knocked down without even the slightest
interruption firom Valentine, for, although he bad made up his mind to
stop the sale, he was compelled of course to wait until he had ascertained
precisely how the thing was conducted ; but when the second lot came
which happened to be poor (Goodman's writing desk, worth about
forty or fifty shillings he fdt himself sufficiently aufait to begin.
^ A pound," said a Jew-looking gentleman.
One pound is bid," said the Auctioneer.
Thirty shillings," cried Valentine, in an assumed voice of course.
**" Thirty shillings ; a splendid rose wood writing desk, secret drawers
complete for thirty shillings."
^ Two pounds," cried Valentine in a different voice.
" Two pounds bid ^ng for two pounds !"
'^ five," said an Israelite.
' Five two five for two pounds five!" when as this was the high-
est legitimate offer, Valentine's voices had it all their own wiiy
" Cfoing for two five I"
^Two pounds ten/' cried Valentine.
*' Two ten two pounds ten ^Any advance on two ten T'
" Three pounds."
*' Three bid : three pounds-"
** Ten."
^ Thank you three ten ! This elegant writing desk going for tliree
ten."
" Four pounds."
^^ Four pounds bid : four pound. Any advance on f owe pound "
" Four pounds ten."
^ Four ten in two places ; four ten. This most valuable writing
desk going for four ten."
" Fifteen."
" Four fifteen four fifteen gaitig for four fifteen !*
" Five pounds."
" Five pounds bid : no advance on five pound V
" Five pounds ten."
" Five ten for five ten going for five pounds ten ! I'm sure the
value of it cannot be generaUy known. Any advance on five ten ?"
" Six pounds."
*' Six poundsthis is really a most valuable desk six pound going
for only six pound."
" Ten."
" Six ten six pound going for six ten."
" Seven bid seven pounds any advance on seven pounds yoi^ for
seven !" and down went the hammer.
Tlic Israelites marvelled exceedingly, and began to reproach tlieiii-
selves for not bidding higher ; feeling ])erfectly certain that in one of the
drawers either notes, gold, or diamonds were secreted.
126 LIFE AND AOYBNTUBBS OF
'' What name for this writtng-deBk?" inquired the auctioneer.
*' Goodman !*' cried Valentine, asBuming Goodman's voice, at which
Walter and his family started up amazed, and trembled violently as they
looked round the room in the full expectation of seeing Goodman him
self.
The clerk went to the spot from which the voice appeared to proceed,
but no purchaser could be found.
** Who purchased this writing-desk V* demanded the auctioneer; but
no answer was returned.
** Putsh te pargain up againsh/' cried an Israelitish gentleman,
'^ tatsh te fairesht vay ma tear, tatsh te fairesht vay !" and it was put
up again, nd as the Jews bid higher under the impression that it con-
tained something valuable, Valentine easily ran it up again to seven
pounds, when the Auctioneer, whose sight was not suflficiently strong to
enable him to see who had bid, stopped to inquire the name of the bid-
der, " Who bid seven pounds ?*' said he.
^' Goodman I" cried Valentine.
^' Cootmansh againsh !" cried a Jew, ** Arl for Cootmansh !"
Tlie Clerk looked again for the purchaser, while the violence with
which Walter and his Simily trembled had the effect of confirming the
suspicion of foul play which Valentine had so deeply inspired. Had
they murdered poor Goodman, thought he, they could not be more
alarmed at the sound of his voice ; and the idea of their having murdered
him absolutely seemed to be under the circumstances extremely rea-
sonable.
" Thip is very extraordinary," observed the Auctioneer, when he
found that no purchaser came forward. *'*' If there be any persons here
who have come with the view of creating confusion they had better leave
before they are turned out! our time cannot be wasted in this way.
Put the desk aside ;" he added, addressing the porter, " and let's have
the next lot. The next lot gentlemen is an elegant silver silt tea
seryice, milk jug, and finely-cnased basin, complete. What shall we
say for this elegant service ?"
From thirty shillings the Jews ran it up to four pounds, and from
four pounds Valentine ran it up to ten, when of course, on its being
knocked down, no purchaser was discoverable.
^^ What's the meaning of this ?'* demanded the Auctioneer, indig-
nantly. " Who is the purchaser of this lot ?"
" GooDMAK !" cried Valentine, and Mrs. Walter uttered a loud shriek
and fainted.
^^ Cot plcsh ma hart ! Cootmansh ? veresh Cootmansh ? Nothing
put Cootmansh !" and the whole of the Israelites looked round amazed
as Mrs. Walter was borne insensible from the room.
Under any other circumstances Valentine would have rushed to her
assistance, but the impression that she must have been a party to the
execution of some dark design upon (xoodman caused him to regard
whatever pain he might have mflicted as a measure of retributive justice.
VALBSHTTHE VOX. 127
Indeed, bo perfectly convinced did he feel that the absence of Goodman
had been induced with a view to the promotion of some villanons object,
that he absolntely saw with delight Walter struggling with those feel-
ings which his conscience had created.
" This is very extraordinary," observed the Auctioneer. " If this
course be pursued it will be utterly impossible to so on with the sale/^
" Veresh Cootmansh !" cried a Jew. " Vat iui he ? Letsh know
vat he ish ma tear ! tatsh te propersh vay ma tear to shettle arltish.''
^ Will Mr. Goodman step forward?" said the Auctioneer; and at
that moment Walter being unable to stand, fell into the arms of Horace,
who, with the assistance of a broker, carried him into an adjoining
room.
*' Te shentilmansh fainted arl avay," cried an Israelite. '* Vatsh to
pe tun wit tish lotsh ?*'
" Put it aside," said the bewildered Auctioneer. " The next is a pier
glass with richly carved frame. What shall we say for this lot V*
The Jews bid with their accustomed liberality, and then Valentine
commenced, and when the thing had been knocked down for five times
its value the name of the purchaser was called for again, and the reply
was again *^ Ooodman,"
" Shtill Cootmansh ! arl Cootmansh ! he'll puy ush arl upsb,"
cried a Jew, whose bright sally was received with a loud burst of Israel-
itish merriment.
^* It's of no use going on thus," said the Auctioneer, warmly. '* I
must ascertain the meaning of this," and he bounced out of his pulpit
and proceeded to the room mto which the trembling conscience-stricken
Walter had been carried. During the whole of the time he was there
the Jews were laughing and joking with infinite glee. One of them
seizing the greasy hat of another called out, *' Mishter Cootmansh ma
tear ! vill you pid for tish lotsh V* This produced another loud burst
of laughter which lasted tiU the Auctioneer returned.
" Well, gentlemen, let us proceed ;" said he on re-mounting his pulpit,
and the next lot was brought by the porter and put up and oid for with
precisely the same result, when the Auctioneer really began to exhibit
strong symptoms of pent-up rage.
At length Valentine cried in a loud commanding voice, which appa-
rently proceeded from the other end of the room. ^' Who authorised
this sale ?"
^' Mr. Goodman," replied the Auctioneer.
*^ Cootmansh againsh ! Veil shtrike ma !" exclaimed all the tribe,
in a breath.
" He has no authority," cried Valentine. " The goods are not his."
** Veil vatsh tat mattersh ma tear ?" said several of the Israelites
looking towards the spot from which the voice had apparently proceeded.
^* Te snentelmansh reshponshible ve shposh if he shtole 'em !"
*^ WiU that gentleman accompany roe into the other room ?" said the
Auctioneer, who was really a respectable man, and who had inferred from
the highly excited state of Walter's feelings that something was wrong.
128 LIFE AND ADTBNTURIA OF YALENTINE VOX.
'^ Will he be kind enough to follow me ?" he added, going again towards
the room in which Walter was still trembling.
No one followed, but in he went, and the Jews became more and
more lively. They still called for Goodman to bid for the yarious little
articles which they held in their hands. *^ Vill you puy ma stockingsh,
Mishter Cootmansh ?" cried one of them. '* Vat vill you pid for ma
ahirtsh V cried another. " Heresh a coot pair of beautiful pootsh,"
cried a third, as he forced the legs of his neighbour upon the table, and
displayed a pair of bluchers rather dropsies! and airy, while a fourth
cried, '^ Shelp ma I 1*11 shell ma own shelf to Mishter Cootmansh I*'
The auctioneer returned, and having mounted his desk, said,
^^ Gentlemen, I*m sorry to inform you that this sale cannot proceed."
This announcement was met with a burst of much Israolitish mur-
muring. " I am sorry," he continued, " as sorry as any of you can be,
but I will not be a party to anything wrong. (Cries of " Vy notsh ?
You're intemnified, I shposh ?") No indemnity, gentlemen, vnll do for
me unless I am satisfied that all is correct." An observation which
was treated with marked contempt by the Israelites generally. '^ I,
therefore, gentlemen, will not detain you any longer, and can only
express my sorrow that I have taken up so much of your valuable
time."
The countenances of the tribe at this moment developed much dark
indignation, and by degrees their murmurings swelled into aloud Jewish
3^11, which seemed to threaten extensive destruction. The fact of its
being suspected that all was not right, appeared to possess the sharpest
sting, for they looked at the loss of what they thereby might have
gained. In vain the auctioneer endeavoured to calm them. They
would not be pacified. ^' I'll preak arl te cootsh in te plash !" cried one.
*' Yatsh you mean by making foolsh of us ?* shouted another. " Yy
don't you go on wit te sale?" cried a third, and the auctioneer perceiving
their raffe likely to increase, left the room, followed by the indignant
sons of Israel, who hooted, yelled, and pushed him about, until he had
locked himself securely in an office below, when Yalentine, who had
then no desire to see Walter, or any part of his family, quitted the
place with the angry Jewish stream.
129
CHAPTER XVIL
VALSNTINli TiaiTB GUILDHALL BEOOUES ACQUAINTBD WITH THOSB
ANCIENT AND BBBIQBCTABLE WABBIORS, GOO AND UAGOO, TO WHOM
HB niFABTS BBBBOH PBO TBH., AND THEN PBOCEEDa TO DIBCUSfl
VATTBBS OF PBR60NAL IMPOBTANGE WITH THB BLOQUENT MEM-
BBBS OF THB. OOUBT OV OOHMON COUNCIL.
What a thimblerrig is humaii life !--the thimbles being the emblems of
fiite : the peas the types of its slippery chanoes. How mortals gamble
at this rigf even from the cradle to the grave ! They fix intently on a
pea and see it covered : they watch its windings, firmly convinced of its
being there, or there ; they' back that firm conviction with a stake ; and
when they lose they lavish cnxses on their adverse stars; but sliould they
win, how pleasant^ they swindle themselves into the belief of the feci
being attributable solely to their own most extraordinary acuteness I
they cannot tolerate the slightest reference to the power by which the
thimbles move ^that power which holds the pea at pleasure to place it
where it will. A moment's reflection will enable all well-disposed per-
sona to perceive that this juggle, which has been so vehemently. de-
aoanced, really comprehends fuT human actions, and that its invention
if an inyention it may be called instead of being dated from Alfred the
Qieat, may be tiaeed clearly back, without any mistake, to *^ the good
M days of Adam and Eve."
Now in this most remarkable ^* rig" Yalentine began to take an
extremely active part. He congratulated himself very naturally upon
the skill witii which he foimd out the Furniture pea; but there yet was
a pea which, he had to discover, and that pea was Goodman* His
energies were therefore dincted to the task of aaoertaining under whab
earthly thimble poor Goodman could be found.
Bent upon tins object he, on the morning after the day of the in-
tended aale by auction, started for the city for the purpose of coneulting
with Mr. St. Ledger, the merchant upon whom Goodoflm had called on
his way to the steam-packet wharf. The Royal Exchange clock, as he
paaaed, strudc twelve, and the chimos were pla3ring mernly the favour*,
ito time of ^' See the conquering h^ro comes \" aa he entered the office
of Mr. fit Ledger, and found uiat gentleman not only at home, and
diseiigaged.
^ 1 luLve called," observed Valentine, after the usual brief oeiemoBies
had been performed, ^ to solicit your advice in a matter which to me
i^fiears very extraordiaary."
**WiL, my young fiiend, what is it?" enquired Mr. St. Ledger,
*'*' You may aommana my best judgment ; but why not solicit the
advice of friend Choodman V
*'* It is precisely because I cannot find him," returned Valentine.
^' What ! have you not seen him since you called upoa me before ?
did you not find him at home?"
8
130 LIFE AND ADyXNTITRlS OF
'* He has not been at home since ; and I therefore wish to know by
what means I can ascertain where he is to be found."
** Upon my word I can't guess. Have you been to his brother ?"
*^ I have ; and he says that in consequence of some unsuccessful
specuktion he is at present compelled to keep out of the way."
** Indeed !'' exdauned Mr. St. Ledger, as he pulled down a thick
heavy book, and referred to a certain page with some apparent anxiety.
**" It's very, very singular," he continued, having closed the book vnth
an air of satisfaction, that /should haye known nothing about it. Specu-
lation ! ^Oh ! Spanish of course. Yezy foolish ! 1 could have told
him 11 about it; but if men will act virithout advice in matters of this
kind, they must of course take the consequences. Don't, however,
disturb yourself about it. It will all come round right bye and bye, I
dare say. Foolish man 1 foolish man l"
** But is it not very extraordinary that-"
^ God bless my life not at all ! I know fifty in the same predicamenti
and in another week, mark my words, we diall hear of fifty 'more. I
know it ; I*m sure of it ; I'd stake my existence upon it. I saw how
it vras going from the first."
** But the whole of his furniture "
^* My dear young friend,'' interrupted Mr. St. Ledger, *^ when you
are older youll know more ;'' and having made this remarkable observa-
tion, he placed his hand firmly upon Valentine's shoulder, and in a
lower tone added, ^' Don't say a smgle syllable about it to any soul.
Yon may injure his credit materially. He may be inyolved in other
matters, you know, and if he be, men "mil pounce upon him like tigers
as they invariably do, when there happens to be anything like a screw
a little loose."
** But I fancied that he was a man of some conaderable property."
^ And so he is ; but men don't let their property sleep. Few men
are able to pay all demands at an bourns notice. You have heard of a
run upon the Bank ? Same thing same thing. Foolish man ! He'd
no business to do an3rihing of the sort; but make no stir, no noise^ no
enquiries: not a word on tiie subject to any single soul if you don't wish
to mjure his credit."
Valentine had certainly no wish to do that, and as he found that he
tsould get nothing more from Mr. St. Ledger, who treated the whole thing
as a business-like matter of course, he left the office considerably re-
lieved ; albeit, when he reflected upon the extraordinary conduct of
Walter in the salesroom as he imitated Goodman's voice, he still felt
that there was something at the bottom of the affiur which had not
entered into Mr. St. Ledger's purely commercial calculations. He liiere-
fore resolved to keep an eye upon the fiunily, and just as he had made
up his mind to be silent for a time, he crossed a well-built business-like
street, at the bottom of which stood an old-&shioned edifice, whose front
was adorned with a couple of rampant and highly respectable looking
griffins which seemed to be erinning with remarkable energy at an
overgrown cauliflower cap which stood between them, and dig^ng
their claws into a poor devoted heart which already contained a dagger.
VAX.ENTINB VOX. 131
and which, with the griffins, snrmonnied the motto of ^' Domine Dirigc
Not."
As the ^tes of this remarkable edifice stood open, and as persons
were wolkmg in and out with great freedom of step, he at once passed
the portal, and introduced himself into a fur-sized hall with a flag-stone
floor, two apologies for galleries, four groups of sculpture upon rather
lofty pedestals, and a queerly stained wmdow at each end. As Valen-
tine entered, the place seemed to wear, a vacant hungry aspect, but on
turning to the western extremity, he perceived a rather interesting
couple of full-blown gentlemen on guard, and concluded, that if they
had been trained in that hall, it was clearly no place for the genius of
starvation. As these two gigantic gentlemen seemed to form the chief
attraction, Valentine approached them with a view to a more minute
survey. The first that he examined sported a pair of white trowsers,
which he had outgrown considerably, and he stood in his shirt sleeves
quite ready for action. His breast was adorned with a broad crimson
scarf, and in his rieht hand he held a long pole^ from the top of which
hung a ball studded with interesting spikes, invented obviously to
pume the brains of all with whom they might come in immediate eon-
tact. This personage looked down very mournfully, albeit his counte-
nance was very much flushed, and his brows were adorned with a
painted wooden circlet, which conveyed to the imaginative the idea of a
wreath of laurels. The other was a bolder looking fellow altogether, but
even he looked as if he had not for some time been quite comfortable
in his mind. He wore a green tunic, held a shield in one hand, and a
spear in the other, while his sword belt and sandals were so painted, as
to impart a correct notion of sapphires, rubies and pearls.
Just as Valentine had concluded his survey of these warriors, two
pale thin diminutive individuals approached. They were Spitalfields
weavers, and had been conducted to that quarter of the world to receive
a magisterial admonition for hunting an old cow, which, by an extra-
ordinary stretch of the caoutchouc imagination, they had conceived to
be a raving mad bull.
^ Sen I may live Bill I My hi vot a vunner 1'* exclaimed one of
these interesting young gentlemen. *' Jist on'y twig his shanks ! Vy
it'd take seven yards and a arf o' thrums on'y to make that ere cove a
pair o' garters !"
*'*' Vidi is Oog and vich is Magog V* enquired his companion, who
was an emblem of simplicity in his way.
^*Vy him in the smalls to be sure!" replied the other, ^^an they
both on em cuts avay to dinner ven they ears that ere dock strike
vun."
*'*' Vorker !" observed his companion, as with a knowing wink he
pointed to his left shoulder. *' Tell that to the moreens."
** Veil on'y jist vait till they 'ears it an' then you'll be conwinced,"
said the other with a chuckle. '^ Them *ere*8 the on*y two vich Jack
the Giant-killer couldn't vop" an observation which induced his com-
panion to gaze upon the long-bearded giant with mingled admiration
and amazement.
132 LIFE IKD ADTBNTirKfiS OV
** Well r exclaimed Yalenibe, imparting a deeply iodigiiaiii tene to
thegreat Gog ; ^ What are you staring at-^-M 9'*
l%e greener indiTidnal gnuped the arm of his ffnide, and as he was
at the moment in the act of shrinking back himsdf, the additional im-
petus knocked him fairly down, and his friend ftU heavily npon him.
^* Away !" cried Gog tiiroagh the immedkie instmmeDtdity of
-Valentine. ^' How dare you insult my friend T exdaimed Msffo^,
through precisely the same medium ; *^ Retreat V and the two httte
terror-stncken weaTers scrambled up witii aM imaginable alacrity, aad
rushed towards the portal The moment tiiey lukd reached it, a pei^
eonage, evidently high in office, enveloped in a robe trimmed tastily
with frir and embeSished with an immense gold chain, preceded by m
military individnal, with a Marshal's hat in one hand and a staff in the
other ; and a graver looking person, who carried a remarkably long
sword, hi^pened to be prooeeoinz, with unequivocal solenmity, into
the htHly from a gaily emblazoned carriage, from which he had just
alighted. Against those who composed this truly dignified processioii,
the little weavers ran, most certaanly without premeditation, and almost
unconsciously, but with so much force, that in an instant the personage
adNnied with the chain, was on tbejground, with the two little weavsn
strugffling desperately upon hhn. The grave bearer of the long swoid^
and tibe military-looking individnai, at once dropped their d^nity and
rushed to his assistance, while several minor officials tried to secure the
little weavers, who managed, however, to bob through their hands iifca
a couple of small silver eds, and succeeded eventnaSy in darting right
away.
The affectionate oonoeni manifested by those around towards th
personage who had been so unceremoniously placed ia a horizontal posi-
tion was excessive. Their apprehensions for the safety of his person as
a whole, and for the perfect integrity of each particular Kmb, were m^
speakable. They could not by any process make up their minds to
believe, that he was unhnrt : they weve perfectly certain thht he had
been in the receipt of some serious injury ; and it was not until he had
earnestly rorterBted his assurances that all was quite ri^ht, that the pro-
cession moved slowly and solemi^ across the hall, and then up a mght
of steps into a long narrow passage.
^^ To what place does that lead ?" enquired Valentine, of a persoa
who was standing very thoughtfully wi^ hb thumbs stuck firmly in
the arm-holes of his waistcoat.
^ Which ? That ? Oh, to all sorts of offices, and rooms, and courts,
and places," replied that tlioughtfnl person.
*' Indeed !" observed Valentine, gratefully acknowledging the ex*
tremdy ex^Xmt character of the information ; ^^ Is there any thing of
importance going forward?"
^^ Why, I s'pose," said the communicative creature, ^ ^ey'ie agoing
for to hold a Court of Alderman perhaps, I shouldn^t wonder, or some-
thing of that sort no doubt, but I don't exactly know ;" and he walkri
towards the statue of the great Lord Chatham.
In Valentine's mind the idea of an Alderman was associated with all
-''6, /// ,. // l;,;r /v.,/,w.
TJLUnmMB TOK. iSd
ihsfcisbt, SttemtM qpeoina of bsroiii ef btef, Tetiiaoti, tiiit^ z^
and nraUigfttawny flHted Tividly amroBi hii imagilmtioii tiao retf i^
ment he heard the sound of the nikne. Ha oxpeeted to te* thett all
iNith gkmous cowntekumoeSy adorned, of ooune, with rich poi^ phnples,
aad noees nsemUiiiff fine bunohes of smei with double chms. ittH"
ward as to render it impossUjIe for any one of tmm to oatch even a
glimpse of his toes, which, as a aatuial matter of oonise, he oonosl^idi
must be goutf. He had, from his earMest infimcy, been led to beUere,
by ev^ print which had even the smallest precisions to a futhM
portrayal of aidenmanic diaracteristics, that no kind of men could in
lealitgr bo aldemen, unless they were beefy-fined, broad individuida,
whoso most capadbns paunches nipaited to them the power of eotgteg,
and stowing away quaatities of matter idtogether unexampled. HS,
therefore, t once made up his mind to fiee tweaty-fbur natural curio-
Bities ezdiasiye of the Lord Mayor, idiom, of course, he imagined to be
the fattest and tbe joUiest of the lot, and henoe proceeded up the passage,
placed a coin into tbe open hand of a person m a bine stuff gown, and
requested to be shown at once into the Court.
'^ It ain't a Court of Aldermen to-day," said that penon.
' t^dl, what is H then?''
'' It's a Court of Common OounciL"
** Indeed ! who presides ?
" Vy, the Lord Majror in course !"
** Oh, tiiat iHll do," said Valentine, and into ike chamber he went ;
bbt as he saw a small, thin^faoed personage in the chair the very
peBBonagev *n ^*^ whom he had seen knocked down by the Hftte
weavers^*^ felt peltfeotly sure that ihem inust be some mistake f He^
therefore, casM out at once, and addressiBg tbe individual In tiie gown,
said, ^^ I wanted to go into the ether davai V
" Vot other oonrtl"
*' Why, thto Court of Cmnmon Council."
'' Yell ! that is tiie Court of Common Council I"
^^ Indeed/' observed Valentine with an expression of incredulity ;
^ Whta will the Lord Mayor arrive T
^ The Lord Mayor kat arrived 1 That's him in the cheer.*'
Valentine looked at the Ibllow as if be meant to pin him to the wall.
'* Do you mean to tell me," said he, ^ that that httle man is the real
Lord Mayor T
*^ In course he's the real un, and notlnnk ebe," replied the main.
"" Don't you see his goold chain and the sword of jistice afore him V
^ Weil," thought Valentine, this is extraordinary. Has he been
31?" beenqnfaed.
' Hill ? no ; Tot made yon tUnk of that 'ere?"
'^ Simply because he seems to be v^asted almost wholly away."
'^ Oh, he nevr was bigger," replied llie man. ^ He was always the
same si2e since I know'd him, and a good size too."
Valentine a^in felt amazed. ^ Is it possiUe," thought he, '* that a
person so smaS can be the Lord Mayor of London 1 Why, he is only
134 LIFB AND ADVSNTURBS OF
the ghost of a Lord Mayor !- the mere skeleton of one ! If the whole
of the aldermen at the present day are any thing lik0 the same size,
what a strangely degenerate race they must be !*'
With such reflections as these he re-entered the court, which was
really an unique and a well-arranged place, not certainly quite so large,
but fai more elegantly fitted up than the present House of Commons.
At the extremity sat the president, who, in spite of the unjustifiable
incredulity of Y^entine, was the real Loid Mayor, while on either side
of the chamber, compact rows of civic senators were arranged on re*
markably well stuffed benches, and they aU looked extremiely nice and
comfortable except when they yentured to rise. Valentine could not
help smiling at the change which the mere act of rising induced in the
countenances of the honourable members generally. When sitting
they appeared to be perfectly at ease, conndenoe glowed upon ihea
cheeks, and they looked as fierce as Bengal tigers wheneyer the de-
yelopment of fierceness was deemed essential to the safe conveyance of
an idea of opposition to any sentiment advanced ; but when they rose
they became as pale as spectres crossed in love, and each trembled with
more energy than a Neapolitan greyhound with a cold. There were^
however, two or three honourable exceptions who laid about them, right
and left, with extraordinaiy force and efiect, as men who are great
among little ones will, more especially when the whole of our glorious
institutions are about to crumble into sanguinaiy dusty and revolution
stares us fuU in the face without moving a muscle.
Valentine had no desire to interrupt business. He, therefore, waited
with patience until all the important questions of the day had been duly
Gonffldered, when he felt that he might as well enliven the honourable
members, of whom the majority as was indeed under the circumstances
extremely natural ^manifested a strong inclination to sleep.
Accordingly, as a prosy individual was proceeding to exphun how
essential to the security of the Cit/s health it was that a certam Augean
stable, which formed a short arm of the Thames, should be purified ;
Valentine ventured to cry ** enough !" making his voice proceed ap-
parently from the other end of the court.
*' My Lord Mayor," said the honourable member, who was then on
his legs ; *' it may, my Lord Mayor, be * enough' for the honourable
members opposite. Every thing in nature is * enough' for them.
They would have things remain as they are. Thy would have, my
Lord Mayor, they would have every thing stagnant. They would
have, not a huge heap of physical filth alone, but one chaotic ma$t of
moral muck, that nature might wallow in reeking corruption. They
would have, my Lord Mayor, the City covered witn intellectual chick-
weed, roreading its conta^ous influence from Temple Bar to Aldgate
pump !'^ ^a highly poeticu observation, which was loudly cheered by
the honourable members on the eloquent gentleman's side, of whom
several cried totto voce, " Walk into him ! give it him home ! sarve
him out !" '* They would have," continued the speaker, ^^ they would
have, my Lord Mayor"
" Sit down !" cried Valentine.
YALBNTtMB YOX. 1S5
Ui
Oh! of conne 1 donbtleBB!'' lesnmed the intenrnpied indiYidiial, in a
highly sarcastic tone. '^ Thejr would like me, my lord mayor, to-"
^* Stick to the question !" cried Yalentine.
^^The question, observed the speaker, ^*is the very thing to which
I do stick ! It is solely in consequence of my sticking to the question
that makes me"
" An idiot !'' cried Valentine. " Down ! Dont expose yourself.*
^ Order ! order ! order !'* shouted several honourable members ; while
several others chuckled at the prospect of a somewhat lively scene.
^ Will the honourable member who was pleased to make that obser-
yation stand forth like a man V* cried the eloquent speaker very loudly,
and with no inconsiderable wrath.
Yalentine enquired the name of an honourable member who happened
to be asleep in one comer of the courts and having ascertained his name
to be Snobson, proceeded, in various voices, to call upon Mr. Snobson
for a prompt and unconditional apology. The name of Snobson was
loudly reiterated by honourable members, who felt sure that Snobson
was the man, and that he was then feigning sleep for the sole purpose
of avoiding detection.
At length the calls for Snobson became so loud, that that gentleman
awoke, and after rubbing his eyes with some considerable energy, begged
naturally enough to know why he was called upon, seeing that he had
no motion whatever to bring before the court. His innocence, how*
ever, was felt to be assumed, and it was held that such an assumption
ought not to protect him. They therefore called still more energeti-
cally, *' Snobson ! Snobson !'' accompanying that call, with the demand
for a most ample apology.
Mr. Snobson felt confused. He was a stout stumpy person, but still
he Mi confused. He looked pale and red alternately for some few
minutes, when his complexion settled down into a yellowish blue ; and
as the demand for an vpolosy was reiterated with increased zeal, he at
iength said, with all due sotemnity and point : *' My lord mayor. I
cant say as I exactly understand the true natur of this ere business : but
all I've got to say is, that all I can say is this 'ere, wiz, that if I've done
any body any how vnon^, I am willing in course to make it right ; for
there's no indiwidual in itkw 'ere court more readier to apologise for the
same."
c
Apology ! apology !" shouted several honourable members.
^ Yot for ? Yot have I done ? Tell me that f ' cried Mr. Snobson,
who really began to set warm upon the subject.
^ If the honourabfo member,'' observed the mayor, with much pre-
cision and dignity, ^ made use of the expression attributed to the
honourable member, I am sure the honourable member will perceive
the necessity which exists for its immediate withdrawal."
Here the demands for an apology were loudly reiterated by those
who were anxious to fix upon some one, it mattered not whom a single
136 LIFE ANP ADYBNTUHES OF
meduit9 xema to Mr. Saobson wa9 ragavded 03 an exoeplioa hy no
means.
'^My lord mayor/' sud the honourable accused calmly, aflber a pauses
duriog whicb he had be^ looking about him as if he had lost some
d^ar ui^nd. ^^ Yen I know th^ percise natur of the fucquisaUon, m
perceed for to rebut the same and not afore/'
*^ It wont do, Master Snob^on ; it wont do^ my boy 1*' cried Valentine
ia a sonorous wobbling voice, whose tones singularly enough resembled
those of an honourable member who appeared to be deriving mueh
, amusement from the manifest confusion of the accused.
The lord mayor, as soon as he had recovered from the state of amaae*
ment into which he had been thrown by the anti-senatorial style of thai
wobbling address to Mr. Snobson, rose steadily and solemnly, and look-
ing with due severity of aspect full in the face of the honourable
member whose voice had been so unjustifiably aasumed, said : ^' J
really ^am sorry to be compelled to make any remark touching the
conduct of any honourable member, but I have a great pubUc duty to
perform, which duty I certainly should not perform, were I not to say
that honourable members should remember that they are where they
arer
The tail of this stinging rebuke was so pointed, that it appeared to
pierce the soul of the honourable member for whom the whole of its
poignancy was designed, for he instantly rose, and placing his hand mth
much solemnity upon his heart, said : ^' My lord mayor* Hif it be
imamned it was me, it's a butter misbapprehension, 'cause it wasn't I"
^^Why you know thai it was !" shouted Valentine, throwing his
voice just behind the honourable member, who on the instant turned
round with the velocity of a whipping-top, and scrutinized the counte-
nance of every member in his vicinity, with the view of asoertaining
who had utteied those words.
" Really," said the Mayor, ^^ these proceedings are most inegular;"
and the justice of that observation was duly appreciated by ul, save
Valentine, who, with the most reprehensible temerity, exdaimed,
*^ Mind your own business I" and that to the Lord Mayor I
^^ Mind my own business l" cried his Lordship, utterly shocked ai
the monstrous character of that injunction. ^' Mind my own busi-
ness!" he repeated in a stiU more intensely solemn tone; and he looked
round amaaed, and held his breath to give his bosom an opportunity of
swelling with indignation, and then turned to the Recorder, and said,
" Did you ever?" to which the Recorder replied, " No, I never !"
^ Shame 1 Shame I" shouted several honourable members the very
moment they had recovered the power to shout.
'^ Mind my own business !" cried his Lord^p for the third tim%
and Valentine, regardless of the official d^nity of the firnt magistrate of
the first city in the worlds absolutely cried again, *' Yes I mind your
own business !"
A thr strongest he could
find, which Walter took, and began to smoke desperately.
^^ Try him now," whispered the senior Mrs. Goodman.
" Well, how do you like it V
^' Not at all : it's particidarly nasty," replied Walter, ^* but anything
to drive the blue devils away.
' Begone, dull care ! I pr^ytbee begone from me I'
I say, old girl ! lct*s have a bowl of punch !
' If any pain or care remain,
Let's drown it in a bo o owl.*
Who cares ? who cares, eh ? Give us a kiss, old girl I Why don't
you sing ? Come, let's have a song all round !"
'^ The thing was well managed," said Horace, ^' after all, eh ?
wasn't it ?"
*' No ! not at all ! it wasn't well managed ! ^he saw me; it wasn't
well managed !"
^^ I wonder how he liked it."
^' Ask him 1" cried Walter, directing his eyes to a vacant part of the
room. ^^ There I ask him ! there he is !"
^^ Where I" shouted Horace, as he, liis wife, and mother turned to
the spot to which Walter still pointed.
'^ Why, there ! Are you blind ? He has been standing up there for
the last hour !"
** Good gracious ! how you frighten me !" exclaimed Mrs. Goodman,
^^ you make my very blood run cold. It's just the way you went on
last night. You would have it that he was standing at the foot of the
bed."
^' And so he was ! but who cares ?" and he nodded to the space to
which he had pointed, and emptied the glass. *^ Well, why don't you
sing ? Here 1 mix some more grog."
*'*' I say, where have you stowed him ?" enquired Horace.
" Don't I tell you he's there !"
^^ Oh, nonsense! but where did you take him to ?"
Walter pushed the candles aside, and having closed one eye to make
the other more powerful and steady, looked earnestly at Horace, and
VALttNTlKB vox. 143
eaid, '' Don't ask any qoestions, and then you'll not have to tell lies.
Now, where*8 this brandy and water? ^The treacherous crew I They'd
no light to let him out ! They promised they wouldn't, so long as I
kept up my pajonents ; yet there he is now !" and he covered his eyes
with his handy and sank back in the chair, in which, yielding to the
combined influences of brandy and tobacco, he soon fell asleep.
" He has dropped off," said Horace, " don't wake him. I never
before saw him above half so far gone."
" But how strange !" said Mrs. Goodman, "is it not? There is,
however, one consolation, I think he hasn't rushed into extremes."
'' No ! that's pretty certain," said Horace, ^^ I thought he had at
first. But where can he have stowed him ? That puzzles me above a
bit* He couldn't have cocked him into a workhouse ; nor could he
weU have fixed him in prison. It certiunly is about the rummest thing
I ever heard of."
^* Probably," suggested Mrs. Goodman, '^ he has sent him abroad !"
^* Not a bit of it !" cried Horace, '^ he's somewhere near at hand.
Besides, you know, he isn't a fool. He wouldn't be kept there hush !"
he added sharply, for Walter at the moment gave a strong convulsive
start.
" That's the way he goes on throughout the night," gently whispered
Mrs. Goodman, " hush, listen ! hes dreaming ! '
'' There are a kind of men so loose of soul.
That in their sleep will mutter their affairs ;"
and one of this " kind " was Walter.
" Now do your worst!" cried he, folding his arms with an air of
defiance. ** Do your worst ! ^I am safe ! ^The certificate i ^that was
the authority. Well, I know it ! what of that ? And so you were !
you were mad ! No ! not at all ! Why for your safety ! Look to
those who certified. Not a word ! Do it l-^I'm ready to defend my-
self! Cool! veiy cool! Never! don't believe it." Having uttered
these sentences, as if in answer to a series of interrogatories, he curled
bis lip proudly ; but in toesmg his head, he struck it against the back of
the chair with so much force, that he awoke on the instant, and started
up, exclaiming, " Oky you shall pay dearly for that ! that blow shall
be your last ! Now !"
" Walter !" exclaimed Mrs. Goodman, who, with the assistance of
Horace, sustained him. " Walter ! awake !"
" Did you not see him strike me ?"
" No I no 1 he is not here."
" How can you tell me that? why there he stands now! Am I not
to believe my own eyes ? Have you all turned against me ? Curse you
all ! Why do you hold me ? I'll strangle him ! ^Why do you hold
ine ?" and he stared again wildly, and pomted to the imaginary form of
him whom he had injured. " Let me go !" he continued struggling
with additional violence ; " Am I to be pinioned here, while he thus
triumphs over me?*'
^ dome, come !" said Hoiaee, ^* fight it out another time. I'll bet
i'^4 LIFE AMD ADyBNTURBS OF
ten to one yon can beat him ; bat let*8 have a clear stage, you knoWi
and no fiivour."
' My dear, dear WalteE, wake m" said Mxb. Ooodman, |^ it is
nothing but a diun. ' Indeed, indeedf he is not here, love I he is not,
indeed r
'' No, he isn't here now ; you have let him esoape 1
'' Of course, he has cut it," said Horace. '^ Nev^ mind ; take it
out of him to-morrow. He has got no bottom, you know ; he never
had. Come, governor, oome!" and as Walter had sunk into their
arms in a state of exhaustion, they quietly carried him up to bed.
^ The murder's out now," savd Horace, retaining to the parlour.
*' He has put the old boy into some private madhouse t there can't be
two opinions about it. I now see it all now/'
*' Good gracious me, impossible i" ezcUumed Mrs. Goodman. ^* Why,
he is not mad !"
'^ Oh ! that makes no sort of odds at all !" rejoined Horace.
^* But surely they would not take him in unless he were?"
*^ Wouldn't they I What does it matter to tkmi whether a man's
mad or not, so long as he's paid for ? I could shove the old governor
there to-morrow if I chose; and he could do the same for me. It
don't matter a straw who it is. They've only to send for a eoople of
jolly mad-doctors, the minority of whom are to be bought for half a
sovereign, and they'll sign away like rattle-snakes."
" What ! without knowing whether the man's insane or not ?"
*^ Without knowing I what is it to them I They are called in to
certify ; they are paid to certify ; they therefore do certify, and pocket
the coin."
*' You perfectly astonish me 1" exelumed Mrs. hedman.
*^ That 8 good !- Astonish you /Why one-half the world would be
astonished to learn how the thing is arranged by these medical snobs."
*^ But they examine them of course ?"
*' Not a bit of it I They will occasionally certify without eren seeing
the ' patient ;' and if they do take the trouUe to visit him, they question
him, and harass him, and put him into a most uncomfortaUe state of
excitement^ in order that they may satisfy their beautiful conscienoes
that he is in reality insane."
" But isn't that very wrong ?"
^ Why it's very convenient. Of course, if we oome to the rights of
the thing, it is clear that no man should be confined in any one of these
dens, untU his case had been fully, and publicly investigated. Bat then,
you see, that wouldn't answer ! They would never be able to get a sane
man out of the way, however rich he might be, if that sy^am were
adopted."
^* But how do they manage it V enquired Mrs. Goodman.
^' Why, suppose now I wanted to look up the governor. Well, I
have oidy to write to the propiietor of one of these private bestales to
this efieot:-^
^* Sir, ^I beg you will send me two blank forms of order and oaiiificala
to-morrow momsng, together with two stout keepers, for a very violent
VALENTINE VOX. 145
patient who is danfferoua, and whom I desire to commit to your care
and if you will sena also two doctors to certify, it will save a deal of
trouhle, and much oblige."
^' Well, at the time appointed, in walk the doctors, who bore the
old governor with a series of out-and- out questions, until they excite
him to such a pitch of glory, that he threatens, very naturally, to kick
them out of the house; and he no sooner reaches this point of the
compass, than they call in a couple of coal -heaving keepers, who clap
a strait jacket, or a pair of handcuffs upon him, without any ceremony,
and bundle him off, with the certificate signed, to the bastile to which
they belong/'
^^ And would you be justified in doing this by law ?"
'' Law ! What should I care about utw ? Law has little to do with
private lunatic asylums. Once in, the poor devils are booked for the
whole distance : it must be, indeed, an extraordinary occurrence which
enables them ever to get out. There they are, and there they stick, so
long as the payments are kept up ; and when they die, why what does
it matter wnere or how they are buried ? If they are murdered, it's
just the same thing : no inquest is held upon the body. The coroner
has no power there, ^not a bit of it, ^nothing of the sort.'*
^' This really appears to me," said Mrs. Goodman, ^^ to be er y
dreadful ; but of course they are well treated ?*'
^' Oh! of course !" returned Horace, ironically; '^ of course 1 they
have every comfort in life, and all its luxuries. The proprietor is paid
for each so much a year ; and of course he don't want to make an3rthing
out of them ! He is generally a mild, out-and-out nice man a man
whose humanities are conspicuously developed and he spends all the
money he receives, no doubt, in administering to their several necessities^
and becomes at once so fond of them, that he never parts with one if he
can possibly help it, while the pa3rment8 continue to be regular : nay.
Ills attachments are so extremely strong, that if one of his patients
should die or escape, he regards it as a veiy veiy serious loss indeed."
At this moment the cry of " Murder!" was heard from above, and
that cry was succeeded by a heavy crashing fall, Mrs. Goodman gave
a shrill scream and &inted; and Horace rushed into the bedroom of
Walter, whom he found lying prostrate upon the floor. On being
raised, he was perfectly insensible, and it was some considerable time
before animation could be restored ; and when it was, his delirium con-
tinued wild and powerful. Hoiace, therefore, consented to sit up all
night; and having sent his wife and mother to bed, got a bottle of
brandy and a box of cheroots, and then dropped into a Targe easy chair
with appropriate resignation.
14(? LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
CHAPTER XIX.
THE widow's victim.
As Valentine sat in his own room alone the evening on which the oon^-
science of Walter had developed itself to his amiahle family, wondering
what had hecome of the card which had been given to him by the father
of the lovely creature, whom he rescued from '' Old Father Thames,"
the servant of the widow with whom he lodged knocked gently at the
door, and having entered, said, " O, if you pie, sir, misseses compliments^
and says she hopes you'll excuse the liberty, but she has a little party
to-night, and she will be so happy if you'll join 'em, as she's sure it
must be lonesome to be here alone."
" Your mistress is very polite," said Valentine, " I'll do myself the
pleasure, Oh, have you seen a small glazed card about the room ?"
^' No, I haven't, sir least ways, not to my knowledge ; but if I
should see"
** 1 have it !" said Valentine. *^ My compliments to your mistress ;
I'll be down in five minutes."
Although it may probably be inferred from Valentine's exclamation,
'' I have it !" that he had it, he had it not ; but simply recollected at
the moment that he had left it in the pocket of the steward's striped-
jacket, which had been lent to him to go on shore at Gravesend. He
knew not the name of the steward, nor did he know the name of the
vessel to which he belonged, but then which was certainly the next
best thing he knew the name of the wliarf from which she started.
He, therefore, at once made up his mind to go down to that particular
wharf the next morning, with a view to the recovery of the card, and
proceeded to join his fair landlady's party in the parlour.
Now, of all the speculations whose fruits have a tendency to confer
immortal honour upon the learned, tliere is probably not one so directly,
so eminently calculated to send a man down to posterity, as that which
has reference to the origin of personal names. That there are so many
Smiths, may be easily accounted for, seeing that there are so many
Smiths ^namely, white Smiths, black Smiths, silver Smiths, gold Smiths,
lock Smiths, coach Smiths, guu Smiths, and soon, whose descendants have
assumed the pure name, altiiough clearly the son of the first Mr. Smith
should liave called himself Smitlison ; the son of Mr. Smithson, Smith-
sonson; and the son of Mr. Smithsonson, Smithsonsonson; or, for short-
ness, Smithsonsonsgrandson. This, however, might have been very
fairly objected to, ou the ground that such a course, however proper,
would, in a few generations, draw the names of the descendants of the
original Smith to a somewhat inconvenient length. But how the
thousands, nay, the millions of names whicli are to be met with in
civilized society, were originally got hold of by our ancestors respec-
tively, is a question which opens a very wide field for antiquarian re-
search, a field whose cultivation would doubtless confer upon man-
kind, in the aggregate, benefits incalcubbie. They who might enter
VALENTINE VOX. 147
this glorious field might meet with a few proper names of a very queer
character; they might, indeed, he for a time, in some slight degree,
gloriously puzzled ; hut there could he no douht of their eventual suc-
cess if they holdly and resolutely proceeded upon the just and eternal
principle, that every effect must have a cause.
This profound vein of reflection has heen opened hy the fact that
Valentine's landlady possessed the name of Smugman. That she got it
from her late lamented hushand is manifest, hut how did the original
Smugman ohtain it ? The solution of this mystery is not, however,
absolutely essential to the progress of these adventures, and therefore it
may as well at once be observed, that Mrs. Smugman had been lan-
guishing in a weary state of widowhood for nearly twelve months, and
that, however ardently she might have loved the name of Smugman at
one time, she then had an equally ardent desire to change it. Her
husband had been in the navy, and from the Admiralty, she received,
in consequence, seventy pounds per annum, to which, in conformity
with the general practice, she was entitled so long, but only so long as
she remained a wndow a practice whose tendency is far more immoral
than the wise men by whom it was established, conceived ; for, as the
annuitants cannot legally marry without sacrificing their respective
annuities, the temptation to marry illegally is sometimes too strong
to be resisted by those who do not in reality prize virtue as it ought to
be prized, above all other sublunary blessings.
That such considerations, however, entered not into the head of Mrs.
Smugman, all are bound to believe, for, independently of her being
strictly virtuous, she had her eye upon two most respectable bachelors
namely, Mr. Foxglove, a quiet bank clerk, and Mr. Crankey, a money-
making grocer, the latter of whom she did rcuher prefer, but in conse-
quence solely of his wealth being calculated to cause the match on her
part to obtain the direct sanction of prudence.
The gentleman upon whom this preference was bestowed was a
sour-looking, porcupine-headed person, whose smiles were so forced,
that they gave pain to all who beheld them, yet the widow was con-
versing with him very affectionately when Valentine entered the room.
A vanety of greetings and fussy introductions to the ladies and gentle-
men, who were engaged in the purely commercial game of speculation,
were immediately consequent on his entrSey for the fair widow really
felt honoured by his presence, and scarcely knew how to lionize him
enough.
It soon became manifest, however, to Valentine, that Crankey by no
means approved of these attentions ; that he looked dark and dreadful,
and scowled very furiously, both at the widow and at him ; and as he
subsequently made himself particularly disagreeable, indulging occa-
sionally in certain very pointed insinuations having reference to the
impropriety of such attentions to* young men in general, Valentine re-
solved on punishing Mr. Crankey for his bear-like behaviour.
^* What a sour old crab, to be sure," said he, making his voice ap-
parently proceed from the speculation table. ^^ I can't say I admire
the taste of Mrs. Smugman."
148 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
'* Indeed 1" muttered Crankey, knitting hie black bushy brows, and
looking round the table in question, with the view of ascertaining who
it was that had spoken. ^' My presence," he added, addressing Mrs.
Smugman, ** doesn't appear to be very agreeable to some of your
jfriendsl"
*' Oh nonsense !'^ observed Mrs. Smugman. ^^ It's nothing but a
silly remark. There's no meaning in it : nonsense !*
" You should not invite persons to meet m, Mrs. Smugman, who
are capable of making silly remarks with no meaning in them."
The widow bit her lips, but said nothing. Mn Cnmkey however was
by no means disposed to be silent, for he enlarged rather eloquently
upon the fact of his not having come there that evening to be insulted.
^* Did you ever !" cried Yalentine, throwing his voice in the same
direction. ^^ The fellow's a bear !"
^' Gentlemen," said the widow, approaching the table as a burst of
surprise had been induced, by the fact of a la[dy having turned up the
ace after selling the king for five-pence-halfpenny, '' I really must beg
of you not to mdulgo in unpleasant observations.'^
The whole of the speculators stared at the widow, with an expres-
sion of amazement. " You must rememb(n:, " continued that lady,
^^ that Mr. Crankey is my friend, as you are all my friends, and I should
not like to hear an unpleasant observation applied to any one of you."
" Mr. Crankey, I'm sure, must be mistdcen," observed one of the
gentlemen at the table. ^* I have heard no such observation made.''
^^ But I have !" growled Crankey.
^* Well, all I can say is that / have heard nothing of the sort," re-
turned the gentleman.
^^ Nor have I," cried the whole of the speculators in a breath, which
was literally the fact, for they had all been too busy turning up pre-
maturely and estimating the value of the best card turned in proportion
to the wealth of the pool, to pay attention to any thing else.
Mr. Crankey was not satisfied ; but the speculators were, that Mr.
Crankey had been mistaken, and tke meny game proceeded.
Yalentine had by this time understood the precise terms upon which
Mr. Crankey and the widow were, and very naturally felt that the
sooner such a match were completelv broken off, the better it would bo
for the lady ; and although he clearly recognised the right of that lady
to choose and to judge for herself, he resolved that she should become
that evening acquainted with Mr. Crankey's disposition, of which she
really appeared to be totally ignorant.
^' Come," said the widow, after a very awful pause, during which
Crankey looked as black as a thunder-doud just on the point of burst-
ing ; '^ what say you to a rubber ?"
^^ Any thing you like, ma'am," said Crankey, ^' I am ready for any
thing r and he hurled at the speculation table a dark look of defiance.
" Well, come, you'll cut in, will you not ?" observed the widow, ad-
dressing Yalentine, whom she honoured with one of her sweetest smiles,
which appeared to make Crankey's blood boil.
Yalentine expressed his willingness to join them, and when they had
VALENTINE VOX. 149
cut, lie had Crankey for a partner, and their opponents were Wright-
man and Foxglove, who really were very quiet gentlemanly men.
By the desperate character of his play, it very soon became manifest
that Crankey^s whole soul was in arms, and he devoted so much attention
to the noise which proceeded from the speculation table applying al-
most every observation to himself that in playing the very first hand
he revoked. The fact was duly noticed by Mr. Foxglove, who at once
enforced the penalty.
*' Then you mean to play the itriet game V said Grankey, with much
earnestness.
*' Of course, my dear Sir, we play the game I*
^' Very well. As you please. It makes no odds to me : not a bit,"
said Mr. Grankey, shuffling the cards with unequivocal desperation.
" Now Sir ! Its my deal.*'
" Oh, he can't play !" whispered Valentine, throwing his voice be-
hind Mr. Grankey as he dealt. Mr. Grankey looked round, and albeit
he simply said, ^* Can't he 1" the consequence was a misdeal.
*'*' Who the devil can deal cards or play, or do anything with such
interruptions as these !** exclaimed Grankey.
'* What interruptions ?" inquired Mr. Foxglove.
^ Why these ungentlemanly observations, these whisperings and tit-
terings while a man is dealing."
^' I heard no observations, said Mr. Foxglove.
** But I did. Sir ! I am not deaf. Sir, if other people are !"
*'^ I told you he couldnH play," cried Valentine, throwing his voice
among the speculating people.
Grankey rose and gnashed his teeth with considerable violence, and
msped the back of his chair with great energy and firmness, and after
having taken a comprehensive view of the speculating group, cried,
^^ Indeed ! If be can't, he'll play you any day in the week for what you
like. It makes no odds to me : from a crown to ten pound !" and he
jingled what money he had in his pocket, with the view of imparting
the conviction that he was a man of some considerable pecuniary
substance.
The entire party looked at Mr. Grankey with an expression of wonder,
but as no one accepted the challenge, he hurled a look of contempt upon
the speculators in the aggregate, and eventually resumed his seat.
The game was then continued, but Mr. Grankey was so excited that
he was unable to recollect a single card that had been played. His
opponents were making almost eveiy trick, and the game looked par-
ticularly desperate, when as Wrightman was considering which card he
should next lead, Valentine made it appear that Mr. Foxglove softly
whispered ^^ diamonds," which happened to be trumps, and accordingly
Wrightman conceiving that liis partner had a hand which would carry
aU before it a diamond was led.
^' Oh I that's it, is it V* cried Grankey sarcastically, throwing up his
cards. ^^ I knew it was something of that. / thought we were play-
ing the came !"
" And so we are," said Mr. Foxglove, " are we not V*
150 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
^' Do you call intimations, Sir, pla3ring the game V
' What do you mean?" said Mr. Foxglove.
" Why this is what I mean, Sir, ^that you had no right to tell your
partner to lead trumps. Sir ! that's what I mean !"
" / tell my partner to lead trumps ! I deny it, Sbr, flatly deny it,"
and the denial was so palpably barefaced in the eyes of Mr. Crankey,
that he was at the moment too utterly astounded to veply.
*' You are making yourself very disagreeable," continued Mr. Fox-
glove. ^^ I will not descend to argue the point, but in order to prove
that I did not call for trumps, there are my cards. Sir, I have not a
tingle trump in my hand," and the cards were duly placed upon the
table.
^'/ have all the trumps,'* said Valentine, exhibiting no less than seven,
which would of necessity have carried the game ; but that game was
of course claimed by Mr. Foxglove in consequence of Crankey having
thrown up his hand.
" You are satisfied, I hope," said Mr. Foxglove. ** I presume that
you are satisfied. Come, if we are to play the game, for Heaven's
sake, Sir, let us play it pleasantly. I hate to have any dispute.'^
" And so do I, Sir ; but if I didn't hear it"
" You must have been mistaken," interrupted the widow, who began
to be really ashamed of his conduct, and to recognise tlie justice of Mr.
Foxglove 8 observations, very much to the satisfaction of that gentleman.
"I tell you I heard diamonds called, Mrs. Snuigman !" cried Crankey,
with a look which seemed to chill the widow s blood. '^ Isn't a man
to believe his own ears V
Then it must have been mentioned at the speculation table."
I don't know where it was mentioned, ma'am, nor do I care ; I only
know it lecu mentioned, and that's enough for me."
" Well," said Valentine, " shall we have another game ?"
" Oh, with all my heart !" said Mr. Foxglove.
" Well see them once more, Mr. Crankey ?" said Valentine, and as
that gentleman doggedly consented, the cards were again dealt.
Mr. Crankey maae the first three tricks, but just as he was about to
lead ofi^ for the fourth, Valentine throwing his voice immediately behind
him, whispered ^Miearts."
" I'm obliged to you ; but I play my own game. I want no advice,
no instruction," said Crankey, turning rouud with a most unamiable
scowl, of course expecting to find some gentleman at his elbow, but
as he could see no one standing on the right, he twirled round to the
left, and as he couldn't find any one near him at all, he led spades in
the spirit of opposition. His hand happened to be a good one ; and as
it enabled him to score seven points, he took a deep sip of brandy and
water, with a huge pinch of snuff as an obligate accompaniment, and
began in reality to feel a little better.
'^ I wish to goodness he would go," said Valentine, assuming the
voice of a female.
'' Do you ?" cried Crankey, inspiring at that moment a fresh stock
of indignation. ^' If you do, madam, wTiy I shall stop all the longer!"
VALENTINE VOX. 151
and he bonoored the speculators indiscriminately with a purely sardonic
smile, and waved his hand very gracefully, and bowed with great
politeness, and then, with a look of supreme contempt, turned round to
examine his cards.
" What a comical wretch !*' said Valentine, assuming a totally dif-
ferent voice.
" A wretch Sir ! a comical wretch 1" cried Crankey, starting upon
his \ega* ** What do you mean by a wretch ?"
" For goodness sake what is the matter V cried the widow.
'^ The matter, ma'am ? this is the matter ! I did not come here to be
insulted, ma'am, grossly insulted !*'
*' Who has insulted you, who, who is it V*
" Who is it, ma'am ? Why it's one of your friends, ma^aniy that's who
it is I"
" But which of them ?"
" What do I care !" cried Crankey, and he turned from the widow
and dropped upon his chair, with a force which most powerfully tested
the stability of its bottom.
Had young love himself been lingering in the heart of the widow, in
order to advocate Crankey 's cause, at that moment his retreat would
have been perfectly certain ; but as it was as the widow preferred
Mr. Crankey to Mr. Foxglove only in consequence of his being a little
more wealthy, she simply acknowledged his politeness by a bow, and
took no farther notice of the matter.
" Wliat's trumps ?" cried Crankey. " If people think that Fm to
be insulted, they're mistaken, I can tell 'em as mistaken as ever they
were in their lives !"
" Oh indeed !" said Valentine.
*' Yes I indeed !" cried the victim, turning again to the speculation
table ; '' why I could buy up the whole kit, if that's what you mean !"
'' There's the knave to beat,'' said Valentine in his natural voice.
'^ I see there's the knave to beat," cried Crankey, dashing dom the
queen with extraordinary force.
" Well, well," said Valentine calmly, " don't be angry with me."
'^ Who the devil, sir, can help being angry ? Curse me, if it ain't
enough to turn the very sweetest disposition into verdegris. But /
wont stand it ! They've got the wrong man the wrong man, sir, I
can teU 'em !"
At this moment a burst of merriment proceeded from the specula-
tion-table, and Mr. Crankey immediately started up again, and com-
menced an active scrutiny, but as he found all, save one, laughing
heartily at the hct of that one having given sevenpence-halfpenny for the
queen, when he had both the ace and the king m his ovm hand, Mr.
Crankey again resumed his seat, muttering something which sounded
not much hke a blessing.
" Your play, sir," observed Mr. Foxglove.
'^ I know it !" cried Crankey, who could not then bear to be spoken
to.
'^ Hearts,*' whispered Valentine, assuming the voice of Mr. Foxglove,
152 LIFB AND ABVENTURES OF
and the ace of hearts was led by Mr. Foxglove's partner ; which Crankey
no sooner perceived, than he started up again, dashed the cards very
violently upon the table, and, having hurled upon those around him
a withering look of scorn, placed his arms most majestically beaeath his
coat tails, and bounced out of the room.
His departure was hailed with satisfaction by all ; and the remainder
of the evening was spent most agreeably. The speculators played until
twelve, then nad supper, and then sang some very sweet songs ; and
Mr. Foxglove, who was really a very decent fellow, had that night the
high satisfaction of hearing the amiable widow acknowledge that he was
the absolute master of her heart.
CHAPTER XX.
CONTAINS A BIRD'S-ETB VIEW OF GOODMAN's TJNENTIABLB POSITION.
Although it may be very profoundly contended, that use is second
nature, and that afflictions, however poignant, lose their virtue in time ;
although theorists, in illustration, may bring forth the fact of a man
having l^en sentenced to sleep upon spikes so long that, when com-
pulsion had ceased, he still stuck to his spikes when ne wanted to sleep,
as a matter of comfort ; ^it seems to be abundantly clear that there are
certain states of existence which, however much used to them men may
become, shut out all prospect of reconciliation.
Goodman was an universal-happiness man. He delighted in con-
tending that happiness was equally diffused ; but from the moment of
his incarceration in Dr. Holdem's den, his views on that subject had
gradually changed. It may appear at first sight extraordinary that a
man of fixed principles like Goodman should have been so inconsistent;
but lest his inconsistency should be deemed reprehensible, it will be
perfectly proper to describe the exact process by which the change in
his opinions on this matter had been wrought.
It was about eight o'clock on the morning after the seizure, that a
fellow unlocking uie door of the cell in which Goodman had spent a
most horrible night, shouted, ^^ Now then I up with you I d*ye hear ?"
Goodman, at the moment, involuntarily shrank from the scowl of
this ruffian. He however soon recovered his self-possession, and at~
tempted to rise, but found every limb so stiff and sore, that he sank
back groaning with agony.
*' Now then ! Come, none of that rubbish \ It wont do hereT
** "HLj good man,'' said Goodman, *' pray, pray don't be harsh. I am
too ill, I really am too ill to rise."
*' Well see about that ;" cried the ruffian, catching hold of the edge
of the mattrass, and with a sudden jerk flinging poor Goodman upon
TAU2NTIMB VOX. 153
.the floor, y Come, tumble up with you ! I'm not going to stay here
aU day !"
Qoodman made another desperate effort to rise ; but the pain which
accompanied that effort, at once caused him again to sink back.
*^ Oh ! I*m not going to stand all this here, you know !" shouted the
fellow, as he seized him by the throat and dragged him up.
*' If I am to be murdered," cried Goodman, ^' be merciful ; kQl me
at once ; don't I pray don't torture me thus !"
'^ Do what !" cried the ruffian, clenching his flst, and grinding his
huge teeth desperately ; ^' Give me any more of it eay another word,
ana 1*11 show you what's what in about half a minute/'
Goodman, finding that he was completely in the ruffian's power, was
silent ; and having managed, in a state more dead than alive, to draw on
his clothes, was dragged into a room in which a number of persons
were sitting at breakfast.
As he entered, a chorus of sighs burst at once from the group, and
they gazed upon his countenance with an expression of sorrow. A
person of gentlemanly exterior rose, placed a chair for him at the table,
and then sat beside him, and having pressed him with much delicacy to
partake of the refreshment provided, which consisted of lumps of bread
and butter and weak tea, he endeavoured to cheer him, and did at
length succeed in making him feel that he should have at least one con-
solation, namely, that of his society.
'^ Now then ! come into the garden !" shouted a fellow, when the
lumps of bread and butter had vanished ; and the patients ^as they were
called, but the prisoners as they were rose, and walked away mourn-
fully : Goodman alone lingered.
*^ Now then ! are you going ?" cried the ruffian.
*' I'm really too ill," said Goodman faintly, '* to walk."
" Oh, rubbish I-^Be off ! Now then, start!"
** 1 wish to write a letter !"
^' Be off into the garden, I tell you ! Do you hear what I say ?"
** Yes, yes ! but can I see the proprietor ?"
^^ Don't bother me ! Come, start ! there, that's all about it i"
On his way to the garden he met Dr. Holdem, whom he ventured to
address.
*^ 1 know nothing," said he, ^^ of your regulations ; but, pray do
not suffer your servants to treat me so brutally !"
^* Brutally T cried the doctor ; '* My servants treat you brutally !
pooh, pooh ! its all your delusion !"
No, sir !" said Goodman emphatically ; '* it is not a delusion. I
tc
am, air,"
^* HuUo ! hullo I none of your insolence !*' interrupted Dr. Holdem,
** Be off!" And one of his myrmidons seized him by the collar and
dragged him away.
On reaching the place which was dignified with the appellation of
a garden, in which there were about a dozen withering plants, poor
Goodman was joined by Mr. Whitely, the gentleman who at breikk&st
had so kindly addressed him. From him he learned the raka of this
154 LIFE AND ADTEMTtm&S OF
drandfol plftce; and rcdlved advioe with reference to the mode in which
he might escape much ill-treatment. He advised him to make no com*
plaint-i-to hear whatever indignities might he heaped upon him in
silence, and to hope for the means of eventually escaping/'
" Escaping I" cried Goodman, " why, can I not write to my friends ?*'
" No, that is not allowed."
*' Not allowed ? -you have visiting magistrates f'
'^ The commissioners visit ns occasioniUly. They are compelled to
come four times a-year, hut that is frequently at intervals of five or six
months."
*' TVell, when they do come, and I appeal to them, they will, of
course, see that I am not mad ?''
^^ Ah ! that was my impression. There was my hope ; hut the first
time they came, the keeper gave me a certain drug, and then goaded me
into a state of excitement, which, when I was examined, made me ap-
peaar to he insane, and that impression has never heen removed. '^
^' God hless me !" said Goodman ; ^^ hut there are stnM insane
persons in this wretched place?"
* There are some ; but very, very few," replied Mr. "Whitely.
" That is one, I presume V said Goodman, pointing to a melancholy
creature, who was handcuffed and chained to a log.
^* He is no more insane, sir, than I am," said Whitely ; '' but having,
about twelve months ago, made an effort to escape, he has been hand*
cuffed and chained day and night ever since."
At this moment one of the keepers approached, and with a sincle
blow, knocked down a man for throwing a stone over the wall. The
poor fellow took no notice of this outrage, but rose to avoid being
kicked, and walked away.
^' What a monstrous proceeding !" cried Goodman indignantly.
" Nothing,** said Whitely, '* is too monstrouB to be perpetrated here.
But silence ! ^he's coming this way."
'' So you*U go and tell the doctor you*re ill-used, will yon ?" cried
the ruffian with whom the doctor had expostulated, fearing that as
Goodman was exceedingly weak, too much cruelty would deprive him
of life, and thereby deprive the establishment of a certain suiii per
annum." You'll tell him I hurt you again--eh ? will you V he dotf*
tinned, grasping Goodman by the throat, and shakine him with vio-
lence "I treat you brutally do I? ^Brutally! ^brutaUy ! brutally !**
At each repetition of the word] " brutally" he kicked him with all
the force at his command, and then left him to fall upon the ground in
a state of exhaustion.
While this atrocious outrage was being committed, many of the in*-
mates came to the spot. Whitely's blood boiled, but he dared not in-
terfere ; and several of the other sane victims felt equally indignant but
equally powerless. A religious enthuaiast looked up to Heaven as he
pointed to the ruffian's brutal exerd^ of his power, while two poor
idiots dangled their hands, and appeared to be utterly lost in amaase'-
ment.
The moMent tho feUo w had left the spot, shouting, ^ There ! now
teU ihe dooior flffidii !" Mr. Wbitely lifted Goodman from the ground,
and endmiFOUfed to oonsole him. He begged of him not to mention
Ite oocnrienoe to Dr. Holdem, as the ruGian would be certain to have
his revenge, and laboured to impreds upon his mind the inutility oa
well as the danger of complaining. Goodman sobbed bitterlj, and big
aoaidii^ tears oliased each other down his cheeks as he acknowledged the
kindness of his friend.
At one o'clock they were all ordered in to partake of a miserable
dinner, and immediately afterwards turned again into the yard. At
five, being tea-time^ the same degrading ceremonies were performed ;
and at eight they were all locked up for the night. There was the
same round of wretchedness, day after day, without the sUgiitest em
ployment or amusement of any descriptioo. Not a letter could be
written : not a book could be procured : nothing calculated to mitigate
their misery for a single moment was permitted, from the time they
rose in the morning till they were driven, like cattle, into their cells,
there to linger for twelve weary hours in darkness, torturing their minds
by lefleeting on the monstrous inhumanity of those to whom nature
Ittd piomptod them to look for affection.
CHAPTER XXI.
THE BC^UAUIIOHTITBS MIGHTY DEMONSTRATION.
Why are not all men socially equal ? Are they not bom with equal
lights? Have they not 6[ming from one common parent, and have
they not, therefoiB, a right to share equally every comfort the world
can afford ? If natore l^rself be perfection, does it not follow that that
which is not in accordance with nature must be in proportion imperfect ?
IIThy, of couBse ! And hence, as a state of civilization is diametrically
oppoeed to a state of nature, civilization is palpably the most imperfect
scheme that ever afflicted the world. Nature prescribes no social in-
equality ! ^yet some men are wealthy, while others are poor ; and those
who toil z^dously, day by day, are absolutely, in a social point of
view, worse off than those who are not forced to labour at all I
With a view to the correction of this monstrous state of things, an
appropriately organised body of patriots had a mighty demonstration on
Clerkenwell-gieen, the very day on which Valentine learnt with much
pain that, by some young gentleman acting upon the same eternal
principle of equal right me steward's striped jacket had been stolen.
As he strolled towards the place which had once been an actual Green,
doubtless, but which was a Green only nominally then, he was not in
the happiest spirits ; for although he had previously thought little of
ihe card, or of the lady whose name that csad bore, he now began iq be
unspeakably aiuious about the one, and to feel himself desperately ii^
156 LXFB AND ADrmsrVKEB OF
love with the other. On perceiving, however, the mighhr masses asseni'
bled, he forgot for the moment both, and pushed through the crowd to*
wards a waggon which had been drawn to the spot by an animal, looking
about the nbs really wretched, but still, as he then had his noee^bag on, he
kept nodding his perfect approbation of the arrangements, as ur as they
went. In tbe waggon or to write with more propriety ^npon the
hustings, stood a dense mass of patriots, sweating with indignation, and
panting to inspire the mighty masses with a perfect appreciation of the
blessings which would, of necessity, flow from a system of social
equality : nay, so intense was the anxiety of the patriots present to ad-
vocate boldly their dear country's cause, that when the waggon was full
of them, literally crammed, many very patriotically hung on behind,
which clearly proved to the sovereign people, that there was absolutely
nothing which those patriots would not endure, to earrv out thai
essentially glorious down-with-every-thing-no-nothing prmciple, of
which they professed to be so ardently enamoured.
When the time had arrived for the commencement of the highly im-
portant proceedings of the day, it was most inconsistently felt by some
of the leaders, that they ought to have a chairman ; but an eminent
patriot no sooner stepped forward for the purpose of nominating a highly
distinguished Flamer, than certain whole-hog-equal-rightites contended
that ail of them possessed an equal right to be in the chur ; and that
therefore no one had a right to be placed above another. This was
clearly very appropriate, and very consistent with the eternal equal-
rightite principle ; but as it was suggested that they might, without
compromising that principle, so far yield to the grc^sly corrupt pre-
scriptions of civilization, the mighty masses at once recognized the
Flamer as their president, and hailed him, as he pulled off his hat
to address them, with three very vehement cheers.
^* My Fellow Countrymen !" said he, conceiving doubtless that to
address them as *^ Qentlemen*' would be rather too ifiuch of a joke to
tell well * This indeed is a glorious sight ! When I behold the sove-
reign people pouring down like a mighty torrent which sweeps all
before it, and which nothing can stem when I behold the glorious
masses with agony groaning beneath the iron hoof of oligarchical tyranny
and crushed to the very earth by a monstrous accumulation of bittw
wrongs when I behold you, my countrjrmen, rushing here to burst
your d^rading chains asunder, and to shout with one universal voice
* We will be pree !' ^my heart throbs with delight, my eyes
sparkle with gladness, my soul seems inspired, and my bosom swells
with joy {tmrneme cheering /] What are you, my countrymen what
are you ? Slawt ! base abject spiritless Slaves I Slaves, in the eyes
of the world, of the vilest description : Slaves, with the power to be
free ! Arise ! Shake off that apathy which acts upon your energies
like an incubus. Down with the tyrants by whom you are oppressed.
Arm ! arm to the very teeth [vehement applawe /] Follow the glorious
example of your brave fellow countrymen in the North ! Join them
in the Holy Month. Strike I and run for gold ! Convert all your
notes into specie ! let that be the first grand step towards the univ^isal
VAtiCNTfn TOX. 157
fmtym&m 1 Be lesolute ! Be finn I Act like men who know thor
rights and will maintain them ! The hour is at hand ! Hurl the base
t3nants into nniTersal chaos !*'
^*We will! We will!'' cried the mighty masses holding up and
brandishing a forest of knives which glittered picturesquely in the sun.
Valentine no sooner saw this display than he drew out Am knife the
blade of which was full an inch and a half lone with a view to liis own
safety, by making it appear to those around that he was ready to go
the whole hog, and feeling that he was bound as a loyal subject to put
an end to these proceedings if possible at once, shouted ^^ Soldiers !
sokUeiB !* throring his yoice just behind the chairman and tlie
mighty masses buned thor knives in their breeches' pockets, and
kK&ed round eagerly for the appearance of the troops.
** The soldiers !" cried the chairman, having satisfied himself that
none were near. ^ The soldiers are our friends I And if even they
were not, why why need we care for the soldiers ? But I know that
they are ready to join us to a man ! Let but the Holy Month "
'* The Holy what ?" cried Valentine.
The Chairman contemptuously turned to the quarter from which the
voice appeared to proceed, but scorning the ignorant character of the
question, disdained to make any reply. ^*I say let but the Holy
Month^*' he continued, ^^ be commencdL, and you will see the soldiers''
^' Mowing you down like grass !" cried Valentine.
^ No, no !" ^* Let them tiy it on !*' shouted the mighty masses, again
brandishing their clasp knives and yelling like furies.
** We have, my fellow'-countr3rmen, traitors in the camp T' cried the
chairman. '^ We are surrounded by spies from the Treasury ; but let
the degraded hirelings go back to the tyrants whom they serve, and tell
them from us, that we not only bid them defiance, but hold them in
sovereign contempt I"
This burst of courageous indignation was followed by three dreadful
groans for the spies ; and when the Treasury tyrants, by whom they
were employed, had been similarly honoured, the chairman introduced a
Mr. Coweel for the purpose of proposing the first resolution.
^ Feller'kuntrjrmen ! I'm a hopperative !" shouted Mr. Coweel who
was a powerful man, but very dirty ; '^ I'm for down with all taxes, all
pensions, all sinnycures, and all other speeches of rotten corruption.
I'm halbo for down with the church I Why should we have a holly-
garkle harmy of fat bishops ? Why should we pay 'em a matter o'
nineteen million o' money a-year to support their kids and konkybines
eh ? What is the good on 'em ? Why, I'd"
^^ Down ! down 1" cried Valentine, assumiug the chairman's voice.
^* What d'yar mean by down ?" said Mr. Coweel to the chairman.
The chairman bowed to Mr. Coweel, and assured him that he had
not spoken.
^ Well, I thought," said Mr. Coweel, " the hobserwation was
rayther too hunconstitutional for you ; but as I was a sayin, the holly-
garkle Bishops"
" Get down, you fool l" cried Valentine, throwing his voice behind
the speaker.
158 LIFE 4N0 ADTENTUBES OF
^^ What d'yar mean V* cried Mr. Coweel, ^^ Tli down with you in
just about no time, my cove, if yer any ways nasty. Wliat { dyer
tliink I care for you ? PV'aps you'd like to take it out on me, 'cos if
yer would, yer know, why ony say so, that's hall f and Mr. Coweel
looked dag^rs at every patriot whom he at that moment caught in Um
act of smilm^, and having signified his ability to ^' lick iBeveuty dozen
on 'em, jiet like a sack, one down the tother come on," he rciunied, at
the suggestion of the patriotic chairman, to the Episcopal business he
wishedto explain. ^' Well !" said he, again addressing the mighty
masses, ^^ I'm for down with all hunconstitutional "
" Silence, you idiot I 111 kick you out of the waggon !*' shonted
Valentine with all the power of which he was capable.
" What I" cried Mr. Coweel, turning round with due pronptitude-^
^^ What'U yer do ? kick me out o' the waggon ? How many on yer,
eh 1 I should werry much like to give you a quilting any how !--^kiok
me out ! try it on I kick me out o' the waggon !"
At this interesting moment a patriot, who was panting to address
the sovereign people, and who was standing about six feet from Mr.
Coweel, hiM the temerity, in the plenitude of his impatience, to cry,
** Either go on, or cut it !"
** Oh ho I" exclaimed Mr. Coweel, ^^ I've found you out, have I,
my tulip ? It's you that'll kick me out o' the waggon then, is it ?^
and Mr. Coweel aimed a blow at the tulip, but missed him by about
two feet and a half. This miss did not, by any means, impart satisfac-
tion to Mr. Coweel. He was anxious to hit conviction into the mind
of the tulip that he was not the sort of man to be kicked out of a
waggon. He, therefore, struck out again very fonsibly and freely, but
every blow aimed, fell more or lees short. This seemed to enrage him.
He looked very fierce. His elbows were sharp, and he used them : he
dug them with so much decision and point, and, moreover, to such an
exttaordinary depth into the backs and the stomachs of those who
stood near him, that really his struggles to get at the tulip became so
particularly unpleasant to the patriots who were standing in his imme-
diate vicinity, that, feeling it to be a duty incumbent upon them a
duty which they owed, not only to tliemselves as individuals, but to
society at large- they pinioned his arms, caught hold of his legs, and
pitched him among the mighty masses below.
A loud shout burt from the sovereign people ! a shout which was
echoed by Hicks's Hall, and reverberated clean through the House of
Correction. The masses, albeit they clearly perceived that the prin-
ciple upon which Coweel had been pitched from the waggon was that
of purely physical force, could not at the moment precisely compre-
hend the great fundamental principle upon which that physical fbrce
had been developed. They fancied at first that he was one of the
spies ; but when he mounted the nave of the near hind- wheel, and
after having dealt out his blows with really desperate energy, and that
with .the most absolute indiscriraination-^-addressed the mighty masses
as Britons and as men, denouncing this unconstitutional act of tjrranny,
and calling upon them, as they valu^ their liberties^ to aid him in
VALBKTINB TOX. 159
turning the waggon upside down ^they held him to be' a man who
simply sought the redress of wrongs, and hence felt themselves bound,
by every just and eternal principle by which their souls were guided, to
assist him in pitching the rehide over.
Just, however, as those who were nearest to the hustings were pro-
ceeding with due promptitude to carry this design into actual execution,
a loud and warlike shout of ^^ The Pbelers ! The Peelers 1'' burst
upon their patriotic ears, and induced them to defer their labour of loTe;
while mighty sections of the sovereign people rushed with due mag-
nanimity from the scene, rolling over those masses who had fallen before
them, and forming themselves, in turn, stumbling blocks to those of
whom ihey had courageously taken the precedence.
" The Peders !" thought Valentine " the Peelers !" what manner
of men are the Peelers^ that their presence should generate so much alarm
in the minds of the Sovereign People ?
His conjectures, however, having reference to the probability of
their being either hideous monsters, or gigantic fiends, were very speedily
put an end to by the approach of six policemen, who marched with due
solemnity of step towards the hustings ; and as they approached, those
sections of the mighty masses who still kept their ground, were as quiet
as lambs.
It at once became abundantly manifest, that those six Peelers had
arrived with some object in view ; and before the Sovereign People had
time even to guess what that object might be, one of the Peelers very
coolly deprived the horse of his nose-bag ; another just as coolly re-
turned the bit to his mouth ; and a third, with equal coolness, got hold
of the reins, when a fourth, who was certainly not quite so cool, did,
by virtue of the application of a short round truncheon, persuade the
paseive animal to move on.
At starting, the horse had so tremendous a load that, in order to draw
it all, he was compelled to put out all the physical force he had in him ;
but the patriots displayed so much alacrity in leaping out among the
Sovereign People, who were roaring with laughter, that before, long
before it had reached Mutton-hill, the mighty masses beheld the vehicle
perfectly empty.
Valentine was lost in admiration of the tact, and tranquillity of spirit
displayed by the Peelers- It is true they met with no opposition ; it
is true that they had only to lead the horse off to compel the patriots
either to leap out of the waggon, or to have a ride pratis to the Green-
yard ; but the cool, the dispassionate, the business-like manner in which
they conducted the whole thing, struck Valentine as being admirable in
the extreme.
The vehicle, on reaching Mutton-hill, was lost to view ; and as Va-
lentine turned to ascertain what the mighty masses contemplated next,
he met the full gaxe of a person who looked like a decent master black-
smith, and who, addressing him, said, '^ Are you an Equalrightite V
^^ I certainly profess to have at least an equal right,' replied Valentine,
^' to ask yon that question."
^' You have a knife about your person, have you not V
100 LIFB AND ADTBNTUBB8 OF TALBNTINB TOX.
I have," said Valentine, " What then T
^^ You had it open in the crowd near the hustings."
" Well ! and what is that to yyu ?*'
The individual, who was a Peeler incog.^ at once beckoned to his un-
disguised comrades, who came to the spot, collared Valentine firmly,
and proceeded to drag him away.
The mighty masses had their eyes upon those peelers, whom they
viewed as their natural enemies. They had previously suspected that
they were anxious to capture some one, and as there were but two of
them then, they felt, of course, bound by every principle they pro-
fessed, to oppose with firmness whatever tyrannical movement they
might make. When, therefore, they saw in the seizure of Valentine
the liberty of the subject contemned, they raised a shout of indignation
and rushed boldly to the rescue. The Peelers saw in a moment ^and
it really is astonishing how quickly those fellows do see ^that the so-
vereign people meant something. They, therefore, pulled out their
truncheons and grasped the collar of Valentine with more firmness still ;
but in spite of these palpable signs of determination, the mighty masses
rushed like a torrent upon them and tried to persuade them, by
knocking them down, to relinquish their tyrannous hold. The Peelers
were firm. Althougli down, they held on. They were resolute men,
and would not be defeated. They applied their short truncheons, with
consummate force, to the ankles and shins of the sovereign people, and
that too, with so much ^ffect^ that they again rose up like giants re-
freshed, with Valentine still in their grasp. The mighty masses once
more rushed upon them, and the Peelers once more shook them of by
the prompt application of their tyrannous truncheons to the sacred hats
of the sovereign people, and to the sacred heads of those whose hats
were at their Uncle's. It was in vain that Valentine begged of them to
desist. They wouldn't hear of it ! No ! they returned to the charge,
caught hold of his legs, and felt victory sure !
^^ Let go !" shouted Valentine indignantly. ^* You (UieSy let go I"
which however ungrateful, was perfectly natural under the circum-
stances seeing that between the sovereign people and the Peelers, he
was really bemg torn limb from limb.
The mighty masses were however too i^ear the consummation of
their hopes to attend to this burst of ingratitude. They wanted him
away, and would have him ! if it were only to defeat their natural
enemies. They therefore gave another loud ** Hurrah 1" and in a
moment ^in the twinkling of an eye ! when Valentine thought that
his arms and legs were all off together they got him away uom the
Peelers !
A loud shout of triumph rent the air as they held up their trophy
aloft ; and having given three cheers for the sovereign people, and three
goigonian groans for the Peelers, they converted their high and mighty
shoulders into a species of triumphal car, upon which they paraded him
round the scene of action until tliey were ready to drop; when he broke
away from them, jumped into a coach, and happily made his escape.
#
.-/.:.., /.,,
161
CHAPTER XXII.
IN WHICH HORACE SETS TO WITH THE GHOST OF GOODMAN, AND
WALTER BURNS THE SPECTRE OUT.
^^ Come, come ! I say, goyeraor ! come !" exclaimed Horace, about
the middle of the third night of his sitting up with his venerable father,
whose delirium continued to be active and strong ; " this' tvont do,
you know flesh and blood can't stand it."
^* Hush," cried Walter, raising his hand as he fixed his. glazed eyes
on vacancy; " there !" he continued in a thrilling whisper " there!
there again ! Turn him out ! turn him out !"
There are times at which even the most thoughtless, the most reck-
less are struck with a feeling of awe ; when the blood seems to chill,
and the heart seems to faint, and all physical power appears to be gone
when the soul is startled, and the cheeks are blanched, and each
function appears to be under the influence of some indescribable para-
lyans. Oh ! it is, questionless, on^ of the most strikingly beautiful feelings
of which human nature is susceptible, and this feeling crawled over'
Horace, as he exclaimed, *^ Pooh I it toont fit, you know ! it's all out-and-
out stufl:'' '
Unconscious of haying inspired this amiable sentiment, unconscious of
the character of his a&ctionate son's reply, AValter grasped his arm
firmly, and pointing to the spectre, cried '' Now ! get behind him ! there!
seize him by the throat !"
^* I say, I say, governor !" exclaimed Horace, shaking his parent with
more force than, feeling, ^' can't I any how drive into your stupid head,
that there's nobody here but ourselves ? Just listen to reason ; do you
mean to tell me that you'll make me believe that you think that if he
were really here I couldn't see him ? Is it likely ? Is it like anything
likely ? Pooh ! rubbish, I tell you ! shut your eyes, there's a trump,
and go to sleep."
- " I will have him out !" cried Walter fiercely, " out ! out !"
** Well, well, then I'll turn him out ; come, if that's all," and Horace'
opened the door, and addressing the apparition, said, *' Now, old boy !
just toddle ofl^, will you ? you're not wanted here ; come, cut it !" and
he walked round the room, and lavished upon the apparition a series
of kicks, which, in a spectral sense were extremely severe, and after
grasping him firmly in imagination by the incorporeal collar, he gave
him a spiritual impetus behmd, and dosed the door with an air of the
most absolute triumph.
His venerable father was not to be deceived, however, thus ; the
pantomime of Horace was really very excellent he managed the thing
with consummate ability, nay, with ^* artistical " skill ; but the phantom
was still in the mind's eye of Walter ; to him it appeared to have been
untouched ! and therefore, when Horace returned to the bedside to
receive that applause which the development of genius ought ever to
Y
162 LIFE AND ADTBNTURES OP
ensure, he was utterly astonished to find, not only that his exertions had
not heen appreciated, hut that Walter still glared at the spectre as
hefore.
" Come, I say, he's off now !" exclaimed Horace : " I've given him a
little dose at all events, if I haven't broken his jolly old neck. He
wont come back here in a hurry. I say ! didn't you see how he bolted !
I should think he's had enough of it for one night any how, eh ?
shouldn't you ?"
Walter took no notice of {these appropriate observations. He made
no reply. He appeared not to know that a word had been uttered.
His spiritual enemy was there ! and his eyes were still wildly fixed
upon him. ^' I will have him out I" he exclaimed, after a pause, **he
shall not be here."
*^ He is not here," cried Horaoe, sdadne the arms of his fiithar ; '* I
wish I could drive a little sense into your nead. I say, governor ! why,
don't you know me ?"
Wsdter turned his eyes for an instant, and then again elared at the
spectre ; " 111 not have him here !" he cried, ^^ out he shall eo ! If
you will not do it, I will," and he made another effort to nse, but
Horace held him down ; he struggled, and Horace struggled with him,
until he was struck with an idea Uiat the self-same power which caused
him to imagine some one there, might cause him also to imagine that he
had driven him away, when, in order to give him every possible chance,
he very quietly relinquished his hold.
Walter was no sooner free than he darted towards the space to which
he had pointed, and made a really desperate effort to clutch the phantom,
which, however, appeared to retreat, for he chased it round and round
with great swiftness and zeal, untU he became so exhausted, that Horace
lifted him again into bed, exclaiming, '^ Come, come, it's no sort of
use ; you can t grab him !'*
'^ But I will !" cried Walter, again struggling to rise.
^* No, no ! m tackle him ! stay where you are. I must,*^ he con-
tinued in an under tone, *^ swindle the old boy somehow," and he pulled
off his coat, and threw himself at once into a gladiatorial attitude, and
after having very scientifically squared at the apparition for some con-
siderable time, he struck out with great force and precision, and con-
tinued to strike right and left until he found that he had struck his arms
pretty well out of their sockets^ when, precisely as if the enemy had
been regularly vanquished, he put it to him whether he had had quite
enough, and then, without farther ceremony, threw up the sash, and
^' made believe " to pitch him out of the window.
All this was, however, good energy thrown away ; for while he was
labouring to inspire the j^ief that ne was breaking the neck of the
spectre, that spectre, in Walter s imagination, was stul in the self-same
position as before. Horace was ami^ed, when, on closing tiie window,
he found his father staring as wildly as ever. ^' It's of no use," said he
to himself, in despair, as he mixed another glass of wann brandy-and-
water, and pulled out another cheroot ; '^ I may just as well drop it
lie's not to be done. Come, I say," he continued, addressiDg his father.
VAL6NTINB VOX. 168
*' it*8 all staff, you know I shut your eyes, and then he'll start ; he won't
move a peg till you do."
Walter now lay perfectly motionless. His last effort seemed to have
exhausted him completely ; and as he continued to lie, without utter-
ing a word, Horace fondly conceived that he should have an hour^s
peace, and therefore threw himself back in the easy chair, and very soon
became extremely interested in the report of a fight between Simon the
Tough un and Konky Brown.
Imow, those who have had the intense satisfiiction of sitting up with
a delirious person all night will recollect, that between three and four in
the morning, the mind reverts with peculiar pleasure to a cup of strong
coffee and a muffin. If the patient then under your special protection be
at that hour silent, the silence which reigns over the chamber is avrfhl, and
nothing in nature, save coffise with a muffin, seems calculated either to
occupy the mind or to arouse the dormant energies of the body. This
hour ^this dreary, solemn hour had arrived, when Horace, perceiving
that his &thei^8 eyes were closed, stole softly from the chamber, and
proceeded to the kitchen, where the coffee was on the hob, and the
muffins were on the table, with every thing essential to a comfortable
breakfiist.
The very moment, however, Horace left the room, his &ther, who
had cunningly watched every movement, and had only pretended to be
asleep, leaj^ at once from the bed with the fall determination to turn
out the phantom by which he had been haunted. He first tried to
clutch it^then lost it for a time ^then stared about wildly ^then saw
it again, and then chased it round the room, until he fancied that he
had driven it beneath the bed, when he caught up the candle, set fire to
the clothes, and in an instant the bed was in a blaze.
^* Now !" he cried, '* Now will you go? Ha ! ha 1 ha ! ha ! I can't
get you mt / Ha ! ha! ha ! ha ! ha ! ha !"
Horace heard the loud hysterical laneh and darted up stain in a mo-
ment. Dense volumes of smoke issu^ forth as he burst in the door.
He could not advance ! ^the whole room was in flames.
** Father V he cried, *' Father I fly to the door ! save youisdf 1 save
yourself! Father!"
The laughter was heard still ; but the next moment it died away smd
Walter felL
Fire ! fire ! fire V cried Horace, and his cries were immediately
answered by screams from above. He rushed into the street, and there
raised the alann, and the neighbourhood resounded with cries of ^^ fire !
firer
The police were immediately on the spot ; and several labourers who
were going to work came at once to their assistance,
*^ My fiither ! My fathei^s in the room !" shouted Horace. ** For
k)d'8 sake save him save my iather !'' and he darted up stairs with
the view of rescuing his mother and his wife. His wife had fidnted, and
his mother was too terror-stricken even to move. '^ Help ! help !" he
shouted, ** Here I" and a Uboiirer rushed in a moment to his aid
14 LIFE AND ADTENTURSS OF
and seized the mother, as Horace caught his fainting wife in his anns^
when both were in safety borne into the street.
The fire was now raging- fiercely. The flames were bursting forth in
all directions. The rafters had caught, and the cracking was awful.
'^ Who's in the house now ?" shouted one of the labourers.
*^ My fiither ! my father !" cried Horace, returning.
^' Where's the girl ? where's the servant ?" demanded a policeman.
^' Up stairs !*' replied Horace, by whom she had been forgotten, and
away went the policeman ; but the girl could not be found.
" Father ! father !" he again shouted, and at the moment a deep
thrilling groan reached his ear. '^ To the door ! ^to the door !*'
Crash went the windows, and a stream of water poured into the room
in which Walter was writhing in agony. No one could enter. Tliat
room was one sheet of vivid fire, and the flames, as the water rushed in
at the window, were driven with violence hissing towards the door.
Another groan was heard. It appeared to proceed from a spot near
the wainscot. Horace instantly tore down the bannister, with part of
which he dashed in the panel. An angry stream of fire burst like
lightning through the orifice, but there lay Walter !
^' He is here !" cried Horace, seizing him eagerly and dragging him
into the passage. '' He is not dead ! Help !"
Assistance was at hand ; and Walter was borne at once into the
street ; but presented so frightful a spectacle, that a shutter was procured,
upon which he was placed and carried to the house of the nearest surgeon.
The engines now arrived from all quarters, and began to play gal-
lantly upon the flames, which were bursting through the bricks, and
streaming in liquid curls from every window. Horace, notwithstanding,
rushed again into the house. His object was to secure his father's papers.
He reached the room which contained them, and burst in the door !
another step would have precipitated him at once into a gulf of
hissing fire. The floor of the room had fallen in, and the flames were
a8oenng in forked streams from below. The spectacle struck him with
horror. He stood for a moment paralyzed. A crash was heard be-
hind him ! The stairs the stairs up which he came had given way.
All retreat was cut of. The flames were gathering round and like hide-
ous monsters ready to devour him. What was to be done ? One hope
one poor forlorn hope ^urged him forward ! he dashed through the
cracking blazing passage, reached the stairs, and darted up, with the fire
foUowing fiercely at his heels. By a miracle he gained the attic. The
window was open. He leaped upon the parapet, and there, turning his
eyes to' the opening heavens which reflected the flames, he clasped his
hands, and with fervour thanked God!
A &lling beam beneath him warned him from the spot ; and he crept
on his hands and knees along the roof until his blood chilled on touch-
ing a human face ! It was that of the servant, who, having escaped
through the window, had fainted. He shrank back for the moment, ap-
palled ; but on recovering himself he placed the poor girl upon his back,
and proceeded over the roo& of the adjoining houses until he leached
a stack of chimneys which impeded his further progress.
I
YALENTINE VOX. 165
Hete he put his burden down, and turned to the rains from which he
had escaped, and for the first time felt the dreadful effects of the fiery
ordeal through which he had pa&sed. He was frightfully scorched. His
hair had been singed completely off his head, and the clothes that re-
mained on him were reduced to mere tinder. He cried aloud for help,
but he could not be heard : he could see the mob below ^but he
could not be seen. The engines were playing, and the shouts of those
who worked them would haye drowned the most dreadful clap of
thunder.
'^ Look out !** shouted fifty of the firemen in a breath ; and a rush
was made to the opposite side. The next moment a tremendous crash
was heard. The roof had fallen in ; and the clouds of smoke and dust
which ascended with a roar were succeeded by a sliower of blazing laths
and sparks which threatened destruction to all around. The effect was
terrific. The sky itself seemed to be one sheet of fire descending to
mantle the earth.
Another shout burst forth : Horace was peroeiyed ! every object being
now distinctly visible. An escape-ladder was raised, and a fireman as-
cended. ^*- Here /" he cried, addressing the startled Horace, who had
just caught a dimpse of his head, '^ Get into this canvass ! Now
don't be afiraid.'
Horace carried the poor fainting girl to the parapet, and wished her to
be taken down first.
" Give me the girl," continued the fireman. " There ! Now yon
get in, but mind don't go fast." And Horace got into the canvass
tube, and gradually slipped to the bottom.
On conung out of this tube he was literally naked, for during the de-
scent, his clothes, which were but tinder, had been rubbed completely off.
A blanket, however, was immediately thrown around him, and he was
carried at once with the girl to the suigeon's.
By this time the house was completely gutted, and the engines were
playing only on the hot party walls that nie fire might not reach the
nouses adjoining. This effect was produced : those houses were saved ;
and in a short time although the engines still kept playing, nothing but
moke could be seen.
CHAPTER XXni.
ALBNTIKB ATTENDS A PHRBNOLOGIGAL LECTURE, AND INSPIRES A
murderer's skull WITH INDIGNATION.
What a beautiful science is that of Phrenology ! In the whole range
of sciences where is there one which is either so useful or so ornament^?
Fortune-telling is a fool to it. It stands with consummate boldness upon
the very pinnade of fiitality . To the predestinarian it is a source of great
166 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
30iiifort : to all who deeire to take themselTes eniateiy out of ihmr own
faaada- to get rid of that eort of responfiibility which is sometimes ex-
tremely inoonvenient it is really a positive blessing. When this de-
lightM science shall have made its way home to the hearts of mankind
univenally, as it must, what a lovely scheme of life will be opened be-
fore ns ! what a charming state of society will be based npon the mins
of our present dreadfdl system of civilization ! Then and not till then,
will mankind be quite happy. Then will perfect hberty obtain. Then
will men see the sand-blindness of their ancestors, and sweep away like
chaff the dreadftd injustice which forms the very essence of punishment.
Then will it be seen that law and liberty are inimical a thing which
has but to be seen for our statute books to be converted into one mon-
strous cinder and placed upon a pedestal as an everlasting relio of ezcru-
dating tyranny. It will tnen be acknowledged that men are but men
that &ey are by no means aooountaUe for their actions that they do
thus or tiius simply because they have been predestined to do thus or thus
nd that therefore they cannot be censured or punished with justice.
It will then seem amaaing that punishments should have been counte-
nanced amaiing that men should have been made by their fellow-men
to suffer for actions over which they dearly had no control ^nay, actions
which they were, in &ct, bound to perform ! for, why, it will be argued,
do men commit murders? Why do they peipetrate rapes and pick
pockets ? Why-Yearly because they can't hdp it ! And what line of
Aigument can be shorter ? And as for its soundness ! why that will
of course be perceived at a glance.
It is lamentable absolutely lamentable ^to think that this extremely
blessed state of society stands no sort of chance of being established bo-
fore the next generation ; and we, who endure the atrocities of the pre-
sent cramped-up scheme, may with infinite reason envy the sweet feel-
ings, the delightful sensations, the charming state of mind, which the
establishment of a phrenologically social systmn must of necessity induce.
There are of course some unhappy individuals in existence sufficiently
ill-conditioned to contend that phrenology never can bring about this
unspeakably glorious state of things : and really none can wonder at it !
none can wonder that the cool contemplation of such a delightful state
of society should confirm the mcredulity of the naturally incredulous
but that it will, when carried out to its legitimate length, be productive
of all those extraordinary blessi^s, reflection disinterested reflection
will render abundantly dear. K is all very well and very natural for
lawyers, phjnricians, and such kinds of people to uphold the present sys-
tem, inasmudi as it is by that system they thrive. They p^ectly wdl
know that if a system were established upon these two bold and eternal
prindples ^first, that *^ Whatever is^ is riffht," and secondly, that ^^ They
who are bom to be hanged can never be drowned ;" their respective
occupations would be gone ! seeing that nature would then be dlowed
to take the entire thing into her ovm ample hands.
But there are also ^' phrenologists ** suffidently weak to maintain that
their own immortal sdeooe is by no means designed to aeoorajJish the
**i6at objeota to whidi seference has been had. Theee^ howevar, arft
VAI.KNTINB TOX. 167
not pure phienologista. They take an extremely rotten view of the
thing, and are mnm to be pitied. The professors of a science ought
never to under*ratQ the advantages of the science of which they are pro-
fessors. It isn't right ; such a course has a direct and natural ten-
dency to bring the tiling eventually into contempt. If nature has im-
planted in our skulls certain organs containing the genns of certain
passions, whose internal working not only produce an external deve-
lopmei^t, but force us to act as they direct or in obedience to their will,
we have clearly no right to the reputation of being responsible creatures,
and we have but to believe that we possess no such right, to recognize
the injustice involved in all punishments, and thus to lay the founda-
tion of that sweet social system which cannot be thought of without
pure delight !
Now with the view of inspiring a due appreciation of the blessings with
which this delightful science te^s, a distinguished professor was about
to deliver a highly interesting lecture as Y a&ntine passed an institution
to which his attention had been directed by a crowd pouring in.
Valentine happened to be dull that evening; for while he could ob-
tain no tidings of Goodman, he saw no probability of finding out the
residence of her of whom he felt more than ever enamoured. He there-
fore, with an hour's amusement for his object, applied for a ticket, and
having obtained one, entered a well constructed room, in which there were
seats raised one above the other, and capable of accommodating about four
hundred persons ; while on the rostrum stood a table, upon which were
placed several peculiarly formed skulls, the nominal relics of some of the
greatest scoundrels, fools, philanthropists, and statesmen, that ever had
existence. The place was crowded, and when the appointed time had
passed without the appearance of the professor, the audience began to
manifest that respectable sort of impatience which develops itself in a
gentle timid tapping of sticks and umbrellas. The amount of intelli-
gence displayed by the audience was truly striking ; and as Valentine
was able at a glance to perceive who were reaUy phrenologists, and who
really were not, by the mode in which their hair was arranged for the
phrenologists wore theirs entirely off their foreheads, in order that every
bump which could be seen might be seen, while the anti-individuals suf-
fered theirs to hang roughly, or, if it would curl, to curl accordingly upon
their latent brows he became extremely interested in speculatmg upon
the extent to which the advocates of the science would be, at once, pre-
pared to go. He had not, however, speculated long when a movement was
made upon the rostrum a movement which was palpably indicative of
something. Every eye was of course directed most anxiously towards
the door; and when the professor, who formed part of a solemn processicm
entered, the applause was exceedingly libeial and loud. The members
of the committee then seated themselves at a most respectful distance on
either side, and when the professor had recovered his self-possession, he
coughed sUghtly, eave several peculiar ahems ! and thea in sweet silvery
tones said : ^ Lames and Gentlemen : In speaking of the science of phre-
nology the first consideration which suggests itself is^ whether the ex-
ternal development of man's propensities and passions be the cause or
IBS LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
the effect of those propeDsitie and pasnons. Now, in order that I may
illustrate clearly that such deydopment is the effect, not the cause, I pro*
pose to direct your attention to the peculiar organisation of the heads of
certain well known charactent, whose dculls I have here. Now," con-
tinued the learned professor, taking up a very singularly formed skull in
both hands and looking at it very intently " tms is the head of Tim
Thomhill, the murderer."
^' The what !'' cried Valentine, dexterously pitching his voice into the
skull.
The startled professor dropped it on the instant ; and as it rolled veith
peculiar indignation upon the rostrum, the audience simultaneously burst
into a convidnve roar of laughter.
The professor at first did not laugh. By no means; he looked amazed,
turned pale, very pale, and slightly trembled,, as he stared at the rolling
skull. But when he had sufficiently recovered himself to know that
ail were laughing around him, he certainly made a lamentable effort to
join them. And this gave him courage, for he proceeded to pick up
the object of his amazement ; but no sooner had he got his hand upon
it airain, than Valentine, cried, ^^ A murderer V in a tone of ereat so-
lemSity! ^ ^ 8
The professor again started back; but the laughter of the audience
was ndther so loud nor so general as before, seeing that many had been
struck with the idea that there was something supernatural about it.
'^ This is strange, very strange, extraordinary !" said the professor,
with great intensity of feeling'' very, very extraordinary."
'' A murderer V repeated Valentine, in a deeply rerooachful tone,
which of course seemed to proceed from the relic of Tim Thomhill.
The audience laughed no more. They did not even smile. They
looked at each other with an expression of wonder, and felt that the skuU
was under some ghostly influence, while the learned professor, albeit by
no means prone to superstition, was utterly lost in amazement.
'^ Is it possible," thought he, '^ that this skull can be inhabited by the
spirit of Tim Thomhill ? Is it possible tliat that spirit can have spoken?"
He was not prepared to say that it was impossible, and the assumption
of its not being impossible generated the consideration of its probability,
which, added to the evidence of his own ears, at length reduced the thing
to a certainty, or something very like it. And this eemed to be the
conclusion at which the members of the committee had arrived, for they
looked extremely grave and altogether at a loss to give expression to
their feelings on the subject.
'' Ladies and Grentlemen," said the professor, after a very awful pause,
during which it happened to strike him tiiat he ought to say something.
'^ I scarcely know how to address you. This occurrence is of so extra-
ordinary a character, that I really don't know what to think. With a
view to the promotion of science"
'' Ha ! ha ! ha !" cried Valentine, in a O smithian tone, and at melo-
dramatic intervals, throwing his voice behind the professor, who started,
but daved not look round, '^Ha! ha! ha!" he repeated, making the
voice appear to proceed from a much greater distance ; and while the (aii-
VALENTINE VOX. 169
lai], the professor, and the gentlemen oftlie committee had scarcely the
power to breathe, the skulls on the table seemed to ei^oy the thing ex-
ceedingly ; for they really, in the imagination of all present, appeared to
be grinning more decidedly than ever.
There is nothing in nature which startles men more than a noise for
which they cannot account. However strongly strung may be their
nerves : however slight may be the sound which they hear, if they can-
not account for that sound, it at once chills their blood, and in spite of
them sets their imagination on the rack. If the voice which apparently
proceeded from that skull had reached the ear of a man when alone, the
effect would have been infinitely more striking; inasmuch as, if pious, he
would have looked for that protection for which we all think of looking
when no other aid is near ; while, if impious, he, with the greatest possi-
ble promptitude, would have exclaimed, " Why, the devil's in the skull,"
and run away. As in this case, however, there were nearly four hun-
dred intellectual persons present, they stuck to each other for protection,
and during the awful silence which for some time prevailed, the more
reflecting began to reason themselves over the shock thus : " Why
what have we to fear ? We never injured Tim Thomhill. Ho might
have been a very ill- used man ; but we never ill-used him : he might
have been innocent of the crime for which he suffered, but we did not
cause him to suffer. His spirit therefore cannot be angry with us, unless
indeed it be a very uiureasonable spirit. What then have we to fear?**
By yirtue of this profound course of reasoning many recovered their
self-possession, and as Valentine remained silent to enjoy the effect he
had produced, he had time to reflect upon that moral weakness of which
we are peculiarly the victims.
^' It is probable," thought he, '^ that there are in this assembly many
strong-minded men men whom nothing on earth tangible could appal,
who would fight like lions undismi^yed, and who have courage to en-
dure the most intense physical torture without a groan : yet see how the
slightest sound alarms them ! they can stand unmoved while the mighty
thunder roars ; yet let them hear but a whisper for which they cannot
account, and their blood runs cold and their hearts sink within them."
There are, however, some individuals in the world, who, as soon as the
shock has subsided, begin to ridicule that which alarmed them, and one
of these happened to be the chairman of the committee. He had been
startled by the sounds perhaps more than any other man present ; but
when he could hear it no longer, he no longer feared it ; and therefore
commenced laughing at and pinching those gentlemen who sat near him,
and tried to bring the whole affair into contempt. This course of pro-
ceeding was not, however^ relished by those gentlemen much ; for although
they very naturally shrank back when he pinched them, they preserved
a solemnity of aspect, which was, under the circumstances, highly correct.
He then approached the professor, and laboured to convince him that it
was ** after all, nothing," and did certainly succeed in relaxing the
rigidity of that gentleman's features.
'' Pick up the skull !" cried Valentine, who was anxious to see what
he would do with it ; and the chairman adjusted his cravat, looked
170 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
magnanimous, and picked up the skull ! Valentine was silent, the pro-
fessor was silent, and the audience were silent, while the churman held
the skull in his hand, and examined it minutely. He felt that his
courage had excited admiration, and was by this feeling prompted to
show off a little more. He therefore turned the skull over again and
again, and after placing its grinning jaws to his ear very boldly, he tossed
it up as if it had been a mere ball, and caught it again with considerable
skill.
This had the effect of restoring the audience to something bearing the
semblance of good humour. A smile seemed to be anxious to develop
itself upon their features, and although it was more than half suppressed,
the valiant chairman grew bolder and bolder, and being determined to
throw coittempt upon their fears, he rolled the skull from one point to
another, put his fingers between its huge teeth, and really treated it
altogether with ui^paralleled indignity.
" What is the nlatter with you, eh?*' said he, playfully patting the
skull ; " What ails you ? Are you not well, Mr. Thomhill ? Dear
me, Tm exceedingly sorry you've been so disturbed."
The audience now began to laugh heartily again, and to believe what
they had wished all along to believe, that they had been very grossly
mistaken. But just as they were about to feel ashamed of themselves
for having suffered the sounds which they had heard to alarm them, the
chairman rattled the skull of Tim Thomhill against that of an eminent
philanthropist so violently, that Valentine, in a deep hollow tone, which
appeared to proceed from behind the committee, who were joking with
great freedom and spirit, cried ** Forbear !"
The effect was electric. The members of the committee were on
their legs in an instant ; the chairman dropped the skull, and stood
trembling with due energy ; the professor turned pale, opened his mouth,
and held his breath, while the audience were, if possible, more amazed
than before. ^' Bless me !" cried one, ^* what on earth can it mean !"
'* Good heavens !*' cried another, ** it must be a spirit.*' '^The place is
haunted," cried a third. ^^ Let's go !*' said a fourth ; and ^* Let's go,"
had at once about fifty female echoes.
There was a rush towards the door. The whole of the ladies departed,
and none remained behind but really strong-minded men, who had been
induced to do so in consequence of Valentine having shouted '^ Surely two
hundred of us are a match for one ghost !''
This however was an excessively wicked observation. It was felt to
be so generally, although it had the effect of inducing them to stop ;
for however impious might be the notion, that a ghost, if it felt dis-
posed to tackle them, could not beat them all into fits, they felt that it
was probable that one might appear, and that in the society of two
hundred men, they should rather like to see it. They therefore looked
for its appearance with considerable anxiety, while the members of the
committee were expressing their amazement in decidedly cabalistic
terms.
"What's to be done, gentlemen?" at length said the professor;
" what is to be done ?"
TALENTINE VOX. 171
Those gendemen nosed their eyes to the ceiliug, and shook their
heads solemnly. The chairman looked very mysterious. He shuffled
and fidgetted and pursed his thick lips, and scratched his head violently
^in fact his appearance altogether was nothing at all like what it was
when he playfully patted the skull of Tim Thornhill.
At length one of his colleagues a scraggy individual, whose nose was
quite blue and as round as a hall ^rose to observe that he had always
maintained through thick and thin, right and left, that every effect must
have a regular legitimate cause ; that although it would sometimes occur
that when the cause was absent the effect would be present, it might
not be so in that particular instance and that he would therefore sug-
gest that if the sounds which they had heard did proceed from that
skull, it was perfectly probable that if the skull were removed, the sounds
would go quietly with it.
This was hailed as an excellent suggestion. They all marvelled how
they could have been so stupid as not to have thought of it before. They
felt that of course it was likely ^that nothing in fact could be in reality
more likely than that the removal of the skuU would have precisely that
result : they were certain that it would ; they were never so certain of
any thing in their lives but the question was, who would remove it ?
The professor did not appear anxious to do so : the chairman did not seem
to like the job at all : the gentleman by whoth the suggestion had been
made thought naturally enough that he had done his share towards it,
and his colleagues as naturally imagined that by urging the expediency
of acting upon that suggestion, they had done quite as much as they
could under the circumstances be reasonably expected to do.
At length the chairman was struck very forcibly with a bright and
novel thought. The porter was in the hall ! He might have heard
something about the extraordinary occurrence from those who had de-
parted, but it was held to be very unlikely, seeing that he was not only
an Irishman, but a very sound sleeper. The porter was therefore sent
for at once, and he came. He seemed rather confused as he bowed most
respectfully, first to the professor, and secondly to the chairman, thirdly
to the gentlemen of the committee, and fourthly to the audience, for as
it was clearly his first appearance on any stage, he felt very awkward,
and looked very droll.
'* Murphy,'* said the chairman, ^' pick up that skull, and take it into
the hall."
'^ It's the skull yer mane, sorr? Yes, sorr,'' said Murphy; and he
opened his shoulders precisely as if he had been about to remove some
remarkably heavy weight ; but he had no sooner got it fairly up, than
Valentine, sending his voice very cleverly into it, cried, " Beware !"
" Murther !" cried Murphy, dropping the skull, and raising his hands
with his fingers stretched as widely as possible apart. He appeared
not to have sufficient breath to give utterance to another word, but
standing in that attitude with his mouth wide open, he stared at the
skull with an expression of horror.
^' WeU, sir ? well?" said the chairman after a pause. '' What's the
matter ? Take it up, sir, this moment."
4C
172 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
Murphy stared at the chairman, then at the professor, th^i at the
audience, and then at the skull. He had no wish to be disobedient, :d-
though he feared to obey. He therefore kicked the skull a little ; then
shranJc from it a little ; then examined it a little ; and then kicked it
again. {
Do you hear, sir V shouted the chairman.
Ye-eSy sorr !*' cried Murphy, who trembled with great freedom.
" It's alive, sorr ! taint didd !"
" Nonsense f* cried the chairman, " away with it at once !"
" What the divil will I do," said Murphy, whining in a most melan-
choly tone.
** Do you hear me, sir ? Take it below instantly."
Murphy again approached it ; then rubbed himself all over ; then
tucked up his sleeves to gain time, and then touched it again with his
foot, while he shook his head doubtfully, and eye^ it with great fierce-
ness.
** Now then !*' cried the chairman, and Murphy again stooped, and
then put out his hrnd within a y^ird of the skull, and drew near to it
gradually, inch by inch ; but the moment he was about to place his band
again upon it, Valentine again cried, " Beware !"
'^ Och I" cried Murphy, striking an attitude of terror, in which, with
his eyes fixed firmly upon the skull, he shrank to the very back of the
rostrum.
The chairman and the professor here held a consultation, of which the
result was an announcement that the lecture must be of necessity post-
poned. " What we have this niglit heard," said the professor, " is so
mysterious so strange, that I really cannot trust my^lf to speak on the
subject. It is, however, a mystery which I trust we shall be able to
solve by "
" Bury me," interrupted Valentine, " Let me rest in peace, and seek
to know no more."
The professor did not finish the speech he had commenced ; but bow-
ing to the audience, he left the stage, followed by the chairman and the
gentlemen of the committee. Murphy could not of course take the
precedence of any one of them : he therefore, witli his eyes still fixed
upon the skuU, backed out as closely to the last man as possible, but be
fore he had made his exit an idea seemed to strike him and that too
with horror that when all had departed, he was the man who would
have to extinguish the lights !
CHAPTER XXIV.
BRINGS THE READER BACK TO GOODMAN, WOO BOLDLY CONCEIVES A
PARTICULAR PLAN, THE EXECUTION OP WHICH IS UNAVOIDABLY
POSTPONED.
Although Goodman strongly felt that the parties to the jconspiracy of
which he was the victim would not escape eventual pimishment, little
I Wji titilk"
./ ..
/.W.., ../../y
\
VALENTINE VOX. \7S
did he think that retribution had aLready descended upon the head of
his unnatural brother. Walter, he thought, might be living in luxury ;
having obtained possession of all, he mi^ht be squandering it away, or
existing apparently at ease ; but he envied him not ; he, on the contrary,
pitied him sincerely : he felt that his outraged conscience would afflict
him with mental torture, but he of course had no conception that he was
at that time writhing in the most intense physical agony.
There is a spirit ^let us disguise its effects, or labour to repudiate its
power as we may which prompts us to cherish a feeling of gratifica-
tion when they who have deeply injured us suffer those pangs which
sooner or later bad actions induce. The entertunment of this feeling
may indeed be attributed to want of charity ; but as it forms one of the
chief characteristics of the human heart, it must be at the same time
deemed perfectly natural, and as we are not divine, it may with safety be
asserted that no mere man ever existed on eartli, to whom retributive
justice upon those who had deeply injured him failed to impart secret
pleasure.
Goodman was never vindictive : few indeed could boast of being ac-
tuated so slightly by the spirit of revenge : he laboured to forgive his
enemies; he would have forgiven Walter freely, heartily would he
have forgiven him : still when lie reflected upon the misery which springs
firom the wounded conscience, when he reflected that his brother must
absolutely hate himself for doing that which he had done, the reflection
imparted that amount of gratification which made him feel that, after all,
he was the happier man.
This feeling enabled him to bear up with firmness against all those
indignities and brutalities to which he was then subjected : in fact he
became in a short time comparatively reconciled, and he and his friend
Whitely, who was his constant associate, resolved to make the best of
their position, by amusing themselves as much as the bitter circumstances
would allow.
Goodman very often thought of Valentine, whom he had introduced
by name to his hiond Whitely, and they frequently occupied their minds
aU day in conceiving the various scenes he had the power to produce.
This was indeed to them a source of great enjoyment. They bound each
other down to imagine and to describe scenes alternately, and for hours
and hours they forgot their cares, and laughed as heartily as if they had
been free.
Their laughter, however, struck them very often as sounding strange-
ly, mingling as it did with the screams of a female who was shut up
done within four brick waUs at the bottom of the garden. Goodman
had frequently expressed a desire to see this poor lost creature ; and
AVliitely, who was in favour with one of the keepers, succeeded, after
much solicitation, in persuading the fellow to take him and Goodman
into one of the upper rooms, which directly overlooked the den in which
she was confined.
From the harsh screams and bitter imprecations which proceeded from
this den, Goodman was led to imagine that its inmate was an old
withered, wretched -looking creature, whose intemperance had reduced
*
174 LIFE AMU ADV1SNTDRE8 OF
her to a raving maniac, and whose former life had been spent among
the vilest and most degraded. Conceive, then, his astonishment, when,
instead of a miserable, wasted, haggard being, he beheld a fair girl, whose
skin was as pure as alabaster, and whose hair hung luxuriantly down
her back in flaxen ringlets, running round, shouting, screaming, and
uttering the most dreadful imprecations that ever proceeded from the
lips of the most vicious of her sex.
^^ Qod !*' exclaimed Goodman, ^' what a sight is this !"
^ Horrible !" said his friend, ** most horrible !*'
*'*' Poor, dear girl ! my heart bleeds for her. Has she no friends V
^* Relatives she has," replied Whitely, ^^ or she would not be hexe."
^ But she is insane ?"
*' Doubtless ; but is that the way to cure insanity ? Is it flt that
a young creature like that ^not yet arrived at womanhood, scarcely
eighteen, should be buried within four walls, and not suffered to see a
single soul save the wretch who casts her food into her den during the
day, and chains her down to her pallet at night ? Is that the way, I
ask, to effect a cure? Is it not, on the contrary, directly calculated to
increase the disease ? But she has not been sent here to be cured ;
poor girl ! Eternal shame on her unnatund relatives ! ^their only ob-
ject is to keep her confined."
^ But suppose," suggested Groodman, ^ that having done all in their
power, they found her incurable V
^* Her age," replied Whitely, ^^ forbids the supposition. The malady
with which she is afflicted could not have devdoped itself until she had
arriyed at the age of fifteen or sixteen, and she is not eighteen yet. The
idea of their having done all in their power to cure her is, therefoie,
absurd. If they had wished to have her cured, they would not liave
sent her here. It is monstrous that a lovely young creature, in the
bloom of youth and beauty, should be subjected, under any conceivable
circumstances, to such horrible treatment as this."
**' Hear how wildly she calb upon the skies," said Goodman, ^ as if
she expected aid from there."
*'* From there, and from there only, poor girl ! will aid ever come to
her."
^ Well, you two ! have you seen enough on her?" cried the keeper,
on re-entering the room in which he had left them for a moment, as a
special mark of favour.
^^ Thank you, Johnson,*' said Whitely, who knew how to manage
the ruffian. ^^ How long has this poor girl been with you V
^' Oh, a matter of two year. That there place was built for her.
Nice place for a small party, ain't it ? capitid patient, though, ^pays
more than any on 'em, ^mopusses comes in reglar as clock work."
^^ And has she been always as violent as she is now ?"
*' No, she wasn't at first ; but she soon found her voice. I say, ain't
she got a throat ? Can't she come it when she likes ? and that's in
course always, for she never sleeps, she don't. That's the rummest go.
I don't suppose she's had above a dozen winks the last twelvemonth.
She's night and day, night and day, eternally howling."
VALENTINE VOX. 175
" That is her bed-room, I suppose,'* said Whitely, pointing to the
upper part of the den, for the place was constructed like a pig-sty, one
part being roofed, and the other quite open. -
** Yes, that's where she sleeps, I was going to say, but it's where
she don't sleep ony wliere she's chained down."
" The character of her disease," observed Whitdy, " I suppose, is very
dreadful V
*^ No, there ain't much the matter with her. She only wants a hus-
band ; but as she ain't much chance of meeting one here, why she ain't
much chance of leaving us yet awhile."
At this moment the poor girl saw them at the window, and her
shrieks were truly awful. She raved, and spat at them, and flew round
the den, and endeavoured to clutch them, and folded her arras as if she
had one of them in her embrace, and then shrieked again honribly.
''Come," cried the keeper, " come, come along down ; you've seen quite
enough on her now ;" and he led the way back into the garden.
During the whole of that day the two friends spoke of nothing but
the appalling spectacle they had witnessed, and when the time for being
driven into their cells had arrived, they retired with hearts full of
aorrow.
In the morning, however, Goodman was a different man. His spirits
were buoyant, if not, indeed, gay ; and as he shook the hand of his
friend with more than usual ardour, he smiled with intense satisfaction.
Whitely was delighted with his altered appearance. He felt that he
must have heard some good news, and being well assured that his libe-
ration would be the prelude to his own, he manifested the utmost
anxiety during the whole of the time they were at breakfast.
On reaching the garden, Gtodnuui again smiled; when Whitely
grasped his hand, and looking intently at him, said, ^' My dear friend !
you have heard something ? '
** No," said Gbodman, still however smiling, " No,"
** Heard nothing ?" cried Whitely whose hopes at once vanished.
" Then why do you smile V
** Because I have thought of something," replied Goodman, " which
may perhaps answer our purpose as well."
" Indeed !" cried Whitely, whose hopes again revived. " What
is it?". '
'^ I can of course confide in you, and will therefore explain. I have
arranged it all in my own mind. I have been nearly the whole of the
night bringing the plan to bear. We cannot fail. We are perfectly
certain to be successful."
"Well, what is it? what is it?" cried Whitely with great impa-
tience.
*^ I conceived a scheme last night," said Goodman, ^^ which has but
to be earned into execution, for our freedom to be at once secured.^'
'^ I see I see," said Whitely shaking his head, '' an escape. Ah,
my friend, don't believe it to be possible."
" But I do," said Goodman, ** I cannot but believe it to be possible.
17G LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
In the first place, how many of these fellows these keepers are th^re
here ?"
** Six" replied Wliitcly, ** with the man at the gate."
^^ Six ; yery well. How many patients or prisoners are there 'who
are perfectly sane ?"
" Thirty, perhaps ; but say twenty-five."
^* Well, say tliat there are but twenty. I am an old man, still I have
some strength : you are much younger, and have more strength than I,
and many whom I could point out have much more tlian you. Now
is it not disgraceful that twenty or five-and- twenty strong hearty fellows
should Buffer themselves to be kept in so dreadful a place as this by
half a dozen tyramious scoundrels, whom, if it were necessary, they
could strangle in five minutes ! Is it not, I ask, monstrous, that we,
who have health and strength and justice on our side, should permit
half a dozen degraded myrmidons, hired to sustain one of the most
frightful systems with which men were ever yet cursed, to tyrannize
over and trample upon us, to-chain us down like felons, and to kick us
like brutes, when by simply displaying the strength which we possess,
we might at once obtain our liberty ?"
Mr. Whitcly shook his head, and slightly smiled, and then sighed ;
but he made no reply.
" I admit,*' continued Goodman, '^ that, man to man, they would be
more than a match for us tliat we could not compete with them at
all ; but twenty-five to six that is, more than four to one ! Upon
my life, I do think that the fact of our being here reflects disgrace upon
us as men. There would not be the smallest necessity for hurting
those persons. God forbid that I should injure any man however
cruelly he may have injured me ; but what, my friend, what if we were
to go in a body to the gates, and to tell them firmly and resolutely to
refuse us egress at their peril ? Is it to be supposed that they would
make more than the mere show of resistance, or that if they even were
to resist us, we could not at once overcome them ? Does it not, I ask,
strike you as being dreadful, that five-and-twenty men, who have been
stolen from society as we have been stolen, should continue to suffer
these brutal indignities, should be kept here like convicts by a handful
of wretches whom we have the power to crusli V*
" It does," said Whitely, " it does seem dreadful."
*' Then why do we continue to endure it ?"
" Because simply because we cannot help ourselves, my friend."
** But why can we not ? What is there to prevent our escape in a
body, and that too at once ?"
" Do you think," observed Whitely, with great calmness, ** that
you and I now pould thrash the six keepers, w^ere we to set to work
manfully, and put out our strength ?"
*^ Alone ? certainly not. I have already said that man to man they
would be more than a match for us ; but twenty-five to six I consider
that."
I have, my friend, considered it, calmly considered it, and hAve ar-
VkLBSmSM TOX. 177
liyed at tiiis cotidasion, that if we cannot thiadh the six: keepers onr-
Belvee, yonr scheme is, under the circumstances, utterly impracticable ?**
*' But why is it impracticable V
** Because," replied Whitely, " we should have to depend solely upon
ourselves ; we could not calculate upon having the slightest assistlmce.
Our poor feUow-prisoners have been htre so long, that their minds have
become enervated ; they have not the strength the moral courage to
join us. I readily grant, that if all, or even a third of them were staunch,
we might, by taking these mjnrmidons by surprise, effect our object ; but
their nirits are broken ; they have lost all energy ; they could not be
depended upon for a moment ; they have no heart, no resolution. Were
we to propose the thing to them, no matter with what eloquence and
force, tney would shrill from the attempt; they would not daie to join
us ; they would at once agree with you, that our imprisonment under
the circumstances, reflects disgrace upon us as men, and that, if an
attempt were made, success would be almost certain ; but they would
look at the consequences of a failure^ and that would be sufficient to
deter them from acting ; for they know by sad experience, that albeit
they are assumed to be unconscious of their actions, they are punished
for those actions in spite of that assumption, and that the punishment
which would inevitably follow the failure of an attempt like that which
you have suggested would be dreadful. I myself thought of the same
plan the day! came here, and felt as certain as you now feel, that it
might with ease be carried into immediate execution ; but when I had
sounded several of those whom I bad fancied were likely to join me,
I found their minds so enfeebled, dunr spirits so low, that if ev^i I
had succeeded in goading them on to an attempt, they would in all
probability have deserted me at the very moment when enexgy and
resolution were most essential to success. They have not the courage,
my friend depend upon it they have not the coura^. Every man,
sir, in an enterprise of that kind, would act like a child."
Goodman was silent, but by no means convinced of the impracticar
bility of his scheme. He still felt sure that it might be carried into
effect, for ^ what,'' thought he, ** if the minds of these persons are
enervated, is it impossible for their energies to be aroused ?** As how-
ever precipitation was in a matter of this kind to be condemned, the
subject was for that time dropped ; but he still resolved to make every
effort in his power to inspire his companions with spirit sufficient to
join bim and Whitely in effecting theur escape.
CHAPTER XXV.
VALENTINfi VISITS THB VICTUALLBRS' PAlfCY FAIR.
Ik the Coffee Room of the tavern at which Valentine occasionally dined
he eaw, few days after his diqphiy among the phieaokgiste^ a placard,
A A
178 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
which was headed, "The Licensed Victuallers' Asylum," and which
announced that a Fancy Fair and a Fete Champetrb were about to
take place under most distinguished patronage.
" The Licensed Victuallers' Asylum !" thought Valentine, who had
been taught to associate Licensed Victuallers with all that is seliish,
grasping, and gross ; is it possible that they can have erected an asylum
that they can have been prevailed upon to sustain the unfortunate,
the aged, and the inrm ! And yet why should they not V
He stuck at this question. He couldn't answer it. He couldn't tell
why they should not be benevolent ; and being anxious to study tlie
character of every class of men with whom he came in contact, he in-
vited a remarkably corpulent, good-natured looking old fellow, who he
felt could be nothing but the landlord, to have a glass of wine.
^^ What is the nature of this asylum V said Valentine, when the old
boy had squatted himself down, which he did without a second invi-
tation, and began to pant fiercely, blowing out his cheeks at every pant,
as if, conscious of the remarkably precious nature of breath, he wished
to retain it in his mouth as long as possible.
^* Why, sir," said the landlord, whose name was Broadsides, " that,
sir, 's the Witlers' 'Sylum, 'stablished by Witlers, and a capital 'sylum
it is, sir, too."
" No doubt," observed Valentine ; " but what are its objects ?"
" Why of course, sir, to perwide a good home for old broken down
Witlers, and a werry good home it perwides. We take care of their
children too, poor things ! We've a school for 'em fit for any nobleman
in the land. You should see 'em, God bless 'em ! how happy they are.
It's a blessing to look at 'em, that it is, a blessing."
" You are going to have a Fancy Fair, I perceive ?"
" Of course, sir ! We always do, annally ; and an out-and-out thing
it is too. You'd be pleased, if you never was there. If you've nothing
better to do, I'd adwise you to go. It's a treat, sir. I love it, the
object is so good."
Valentine was delighted with the feeling tones in which the old gen-
tleman spoke, more especially when he alluded to the children ; for tears
stood in his eyes, as he said, ^' Poor things ! God bless 'em !" which,
without the slightest effort to conceal them, he mopped up mechanically
with his thick Belcher handkerchief, and seemed to blow away with
considerably more freedom.
" There is much of the pure spirit of benevolence in this man's com-
position," thought Valentine, ^^ rough as he is ; and if he be in reality
a fair sample or the lot, they are indeed a very good set of fellows.''
*' Say youll go ?" cried Broadsides, slaping the thigh of Valentine,
as if he had known him for years.
" Well, I will !" cried Valentine, rubbing his thigh, and smiling.
" Then I'll tell you what it is. I rayther like you ; I think you're
a good sort, and I'm not often out of my reckoning ; if youll go, I'll
drive you down, and give you as good a glass of wine as can be got
when we get there."
" You must leave the wine to me m that case," said Valentine ;
TALBNTINB VOX. 179
'^ but I hope that I shall not be depriving any part of your fiimily
of a seat V
" By no means in life ! My Missus and the girls goes the second
day, 'cause you know, business must be attended to ; so, of course, I
shall be glad to have your company down."
It was settled. The morning came, and Valentine went to the house
of Mr. Broadsides, who shook nim by the hand with the warmth of a
friend ; introduced him to his wife and two daughters, and after hav-
ing, what he termed a '^ leetle snack '^ in the bar, the gig was brought
to the door, and they started.
The very moment they were off, the old boy be^an to talk. He, in
the first place, gave the pedigree of his horse, explamed how many miles
an hour he had done, how many miles an hour he was able to do then^
and how about twenty yeans ago, when he was younger^ hetrbtted from
London to Brighton within the six hours, and that, without sweating a
hair. He then spoke of the peculiarly good qualities of Mrs. Broad-
sides, as a woman of business; he explained that she was *^ an extror -
nary good wife, and an excellent mother," but that she had a ^^ par-
ticular nasty temper," and that that was all he had to complain of. He
then touched upon the virtues of his daughters, whom he described as
^^ the best girls any where, none could be better, let them come from
where they might ; he showed very clearly what treasures they would
be to those who might have the good fortune to marry them ; and after
having dwelt upon their peculiar characteristics for some considerable
time with great eloquence and pride, they reached a road-side inn, at
which he put up his horse, and then waddled by the side of Valentine
down a lane, which led at once to the Asylum.
A scene of gaiety presented itself the moment they reached the gate ;
and after passing the marquee, in which toys of every description were
set out for sale, they entered the building, which was really very ex-
tensive, and reflected great credit upon the Victuallers as a body.
Broadsides was recognised at once by a number of jolly looking per-
sons, who wore their hats on one side, and their hands in their pockets,,
and never took them out, except indeed for the purpose of greeting their
friends. After an infinite deal of nodding, and slapping, and squeezing,
through the passage, Valentine and Broadsides pro^eded up stairs to
the board-room, round which the names of the donors and the amounts
of the donations were emblazoned in letters of gold.
^' That," said Broadsides, pointing to a well-executed portrait which
hung at one end of the room, ^^that, of course, is the founder of the
institution."
Valentine could not resist the temptation ; he therefore threw his
voice into the picture, and said, ^^ How are you ? how do ?"
Broadsides started ; and the expression of his countenance was sin-
gularly droll. ^^ Didn't you hear?" he cried, seizing the arm of
Valentine, who replied that he heard something.
^^ Something !" he continued. ^' It's the picture I" and he began to
blow away with great energy.
^^ Don't be alarmed ! don t be alarmed !" said Valentine, again throw-
180 UFE ^KD APTSNTVBB8 OF
ing kilB Toioe towuds thA portrait, and the founder aeemed to amOe 88
Broadsides nodded, but in a waj that seemed to indicate that he didn't
vnderstand it all.
^^ I say, Bowles ! Bowles !'' cried Mr. Broadsides, seizmg the arm of
a friend who had jnst entered. ^ I say, here ; look at tlutt pictor I*-
I just heered it sp^ T*
^ Heered it what V cried Mr. Bowles, with a smile of incredulity.
*^ Speak !" returned Broadsides, and Mr. Bowles laughed very heartily.
^^ As true as I'm here, it's a fiftct ; I heered him, as |dain as I erer
did when he was aliye !"
^^ Why what are you talking about, you jolly old fool 1" said Mr.
Bowles. ^* Have you been havmg a drain already this morning ? What
have you oot iato your stupid old head ?"
*^ I don^ care a fiuden about what you say. I tell you I hesrod the
pietur speak as plain as flesh and blood !"
''But how could it?"
'' I don't know how it oould ; I only know that it did, and thai'a
enough for me."
Bowles sUpped Mr. Broadsides on the baek, and told him in friendly
terms, that be was an out-nd-out old ass ; and moieover dhaevved, that
he should see him again, he supposed, by and bye.
'' Well, this is sutny aboui the rummest go," said Mr. Broadsides,
when Bowles had left the room, ''that mortal man ever heeored
teU on."
"By no means," said Yalmitine, through the medium of the
founder ; " did you never hear of a spirited portrait ?"
The idea of a spirited portrait appeared to strike a light into the soul
of Mr. Broadsides. He had heard of a spirited portrait, and leli that
he never knew, till then, to what species the term legitimately- applied.
He fancied, however, that he saw it then deariy ; anid, although be did
not exactly tremble, he felt very queer.
"Did you know him?" enquired Valentine, who feigned great
amaiement.
"Know him I" replied Broadrides. "Him and me were bnsBEum
friends I Man3r'8 the bottle of wine we've had together !"
" Well, then, you've no reason to fear hinu"
" Fear him 1" cried Broadsides, " he wouldn't hurt a hair of my head.
It isn't that, it's only themmnessof the thing, you see, that gets over
me." And Mr. Broadsides sat down, and gaiseq upon the portrait, until
he fancied that he could see the benevolent founder^s lips curl and hia
eyes sparkle, as they were wont, when the original received aa nn-^
usually large order.
" Well, shall we see what they are doing below ?" said Valentine.
" Yes ^yes !" replied Mr. Broadsides, whose eyes were atill fixed
on the portrait. " Yes : the only thing, you see, that punles pie ia^
that it isn't his voice ;" a feet which was certainly by no means oxtra-
ordinaiy, seeing that Valentine had never, of course, heard the founder
speak. " But I suppose," continued Broadsides, " that spirits don't
lieak in the same tones as regular flesh and blood."
TALBfTflfB YOX, 181
*^Oood day/* observed Yafentmo, throwing bis flo again towaids
the portmt.
*^ God bless 7011 ! Good day,*' aaid Mr. Broadsides^ who after taking
another long gaze, caught hold of the ann of Valentine and waddled
from the room.
Now when Broadsides had got abont half way down stairs, it struck
bim again as being veij extraordinary. He tiiezefore stopped short ;
and after blowing out his cheeks to the fullest extent, and looking
with considerable earnestness at Valentine, said, '^ Wdl, this is out of
all donbt the most smgularest thing I ever met with in all my born
days/' and having dehvered himseu of this remarkable sentiment, he
and Valentine slowly descended.
On reaching the end of the passage which led through the buildings
Valentine found that, altliou^ the Fancy Fair was confined to the
front of the Asylum, the chief attraction was behind ; for a spacious
lawn opened before them, which was literally crowded vrith gaily dxessed
persons, promenading vrith great propriety, and looking very happy, while
at the bottom of the lawu there won several weS-construcied mar-
quees^ which weie uniformly pitched, and had a strikinff effect.
*^ Well, now, this exceeda my expectations," said Vafentine, v^vii^
hand towaids the scene which so brilliantly opened before him.
^ Yes," observed Broadsides, ^^ yes, yes ; very pretty, very pretty;
but that pictQik**I can't get that out of my head; that gets orer mo
above a bit."
*^ Oh never mind the picture,*' laid Valentine. ** What are they
doing here ?" and he dragged Mr. Broadsides, who lodged very solemn,
iovnuds one ol the marquees before which a crowd of persons were
standing. In this place there was a very great variety of toys ; but
the attnotion was an a&ir which was termed ^* the wheel of fortune,"
out of which, by X)aying the small charge of one shilling, any
lady or gentleman was entitled to draw a slip of paper, the
number emblazoned upon which r^ieaed to some valuable little
article in stock. An interesting child about seven years old tumad the
wiieel, and when a bluff uidividual-*^who kept oontinusUy recommend-
ing the ladies and gentlemen present to ^^ try their ludc^ for as they
was all prizes and no blanks at all, they couldn't do nothing but
vrii&''-*-bad looked at the papers drav?n, he caUed the numbers^ and
another individual with a list in his hand named the articles to which
the numbers respectively applied, which articles were delivered to the
individuab who had had the extraordinary good fortune to gain them.
When Valentine had ascertained how this business was managed, he
could not be silent ; he felt himself bound to phiy some of his nighly
reprehensible trieks. He theieibre imitated the voice of the bluff indi-
vidajJ to such perfection, and called so oontinuaUy certain numbers
whieh had never been drawn, that at l^gth that individual became
extiemely Mgry vriith the other individutd, who kept as continually
naming mile articles which had not been won.
** Kow then,'* said the former, " twenty-two."
* Ko, twenty-seven," cried Valentine^ assuming his voice.
182 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
*^ Twenty-seven," said the person who held the paper. '^ Twenty-
seven ."
" Twenty-two f' cried the bluff individual. ''Mind what you're
about."
'^ But you said twenty-0en/' said his assistant, who didn't at all
like to be spoken to thus before company.
*' I say that I said twenty-Two, sir," shouted the bluff individual,
looking particularly black.
'^ Twenty-two," said his assistant, *^ is a shaving brush," which
article was at once handed over to the lady by whom it had been so
appropriately won.
Valentine perceived that if he went on in this way he should probably
destroy that good understanding which had previously existed between
these two persons, and as he had no desire to do that, especially as one
of them clearly felt compelled to put up with the blustering insolence
of the other, he took the arm of Mr. Broadsides, who still kept harping
upon the ^' pictur*' and walked to the principal marquee.
^* Ob, ho !" cried Valentine on entering, '^ all who drink here wiU
not go home sober to-night !" which, although it was unheeded by Mr*
Bro^Lsides, was certainly a very natural ezdamation, inasmuch as the
marquee in question was lined with flaming pink-and- white festooned
gla2sed cambric, which had so exceedingly daasding an effect, that a single
pint of wine diank there would have excited a man as much as a couple
of bottles would, drank in a quiet-coloured room.
*' Come," said Mr. Broadsides, '* now let's have a little bit of summut
to eat here. Here, waiter ! Now, what have you got V and an ugly
little rascal, who was the counterpart of Fieschi, and who personated
the character of a waiter for that particular occasion, replied, *^ Fowls,
sir, ham, sir, fowls and ham, roast beef, ham and bee^ sir, tongue and
roast duck."
Fowl and ham were ordered for two, tmd part of a leg with part of a
wing were eventually placed upon the table.
*^ What d'ye mean by bringing us these two mites ?" cried Mr. Broad-
sides, indignantly digging his fork into one of them with the view of in-
specting its dunensions more closely.
'' Fowl and ham for two, sir, you ordered," said the waiter.
*^ D'ye call this fowl and ham for two ? Bring us a whole un, and
plenty of ham, not two tiny dabs like them 1"
Fieschi looked if possible more ugly than before, as he took away the
dish, the contents of which looked, after having been disturbed, by no
means calculated to imput satisfaction to any man's stomach. He soon
however returned with what was by courtesy termed a whole fowl, par-
ticularly small and very skinny. But such as it was, Broadsides pushed
it towards Valentine for the purpose of dissection, and Valentine not
hems a family man, thought the shortest way of carvine up the animal
would be to cut at once right across the breast bone, and thus to divide
the thing equally ; but he had no sooner made the first cut which effec-
tually severed the body in twain, than Broadsides cried, *' Send I may
live ! What are you at ? Here give us hold'' and called upon Fiesclii
VALENTINE VOX. 183
to bring him a skewer. Fieschi accordingly produced a skewer which he
said he had "drawed from a buttick o' beef," with which Mr. Broad-
sides stuck the fowl again together, and then proceeded to cut it up very
scientifically into a number of pieces which Valentine fancied unne-
cessarily small, as it would be all the same in the long run which was
about to take place in the course of five minutes Mr. Broadsides ob-
serving, as he dextrously took out the small bones which young
ladies in farm houses pull to ascertain whose fate it is first to be mar-
ried, that he had been " head cook in the principalist tavern in Lond9n,
and never in all his experience seed a chicken attempted to be carved in
sich a fashion as that." He contended that half tho beauty of it was in
the carving, while Valentine thought it all consisted in the eating ; but
as the experience of Broadudes enabled him to get the better of the ar-
gument, he felt satisfied, and called for a bottle of wine.
" Have you got a bottle now," said he, " at all fit to drink V
Capital wine, sir V replied Fieschi.
Well, bring us some of the decentest yon have, d'ye hear?" and
a bottle of sherry was accordingly brought, which Broadsides no sooner
tasted, than he began at once to spit, and to blow, and to make up such
a very extraordinary fiice, that Fieschi imagined that he had by mis*
take brought forward a bottle of vinegar.
** Do you call this wine V cried Broadsides, spitting and blowing still
with remarkable energy.
*^ Beg pardon," repUed Fieschi, putting the cork to his nose, '^ it
smells like wine, sir.*'
*' Smells like wine," echoed Broadsides, contemptuously. *' It has
nayther th& smell nor the taste of wine. It's enough to give an elephant
the deliberate tremens. Give my compliments to your master, and tell
him that my name's Broadsides, and if he can't send me a little better bottle
of wine than that, he'd better set to work at once and drink it himself.
Here, leave this now as it's opened, and go and fetch something a little
matter fit to go into a christian's stomach. Did yon ever taite such
-wine," he continued, addressing Valentine, who thought it very fair wine,
and said so ; but Broadsides declared that *' if he ever brought up such a
bottle of wine as that to any customer of his he'd go and cut his tiiroat."
The name of Broadsid^es appeared to have a great effect upon the
master of Fieschi, for he not only sent a bottle of wine of which Broad-
sides approved, but ordered Fieschi to bring the other bottle away !
This act of liberality had in return a great effect upon Broadsides, who
pnused the last bottle before he had tasted it, and told Fieschi to let the
other remain. Fieschi, however, respectfully insisted upon obe3dng his
master's order, and Broadsides in return insisted upon Fieschi's master
coming to take a glass with him as soon as he had a moment to spare.
*^ I^w, this is very decent, considering," said he, ^ but lor! it ain't no
more like what's in my cellar but then, lor! how can you expect it V
J3j this time Valentine had demolished his share of the chicken, and
had even commenced the process of flaying the back bone, when another
ipvas produced, which Mr. Broadsides instructed him how to carve pro^
perly, and he eventually did it to the entire satisfaction of that gentle-
i
184 LIFB ANO ADTBIfTUftBS OF
man, who dediiod thati alter ihai he ** would be fit to cut up aayUiing
in the world, at any table in life/'
Now, when Valentine and Broadsidea had finished their meal, Mr.
Bowles came into the marquee with three remarkably red-fiMed Mends,
to whom BroadsideB, although he knew them weU was introduced as
*^ the man wot heard the pictur speak."
^ I just did,'' said Broadsides, ^' and no mistake 1" ITpon whidi Mr.
Bowles and his red-&ced friends began to laugh very heartily and yery
loudly. '^ I don't care a dump," he continaed, ^^ about what you think,
or what you say. If I didn't hear it speak, why, I neyer heered no-
thine."
^ You always was a rum'un," chaetvei Mr. Bowles.
'' I don't care for that," returned Broadsides. *" Come, 111 teU you
what I do now, Fll bet you a rump and doaen I heard it now, come !"
This &Tourite and highly approved method of settling an argument,
seemed for a moment to stagg^ Mr. Bowles, for he felt that he could
not prove that Mr Broadsides didn't hear it, and that if the onus of
proof even rested with Broadsides, he had the evidence of his own ears
at least, to bring forward, while he himsdf could produce no e vide n ce at
all ; thinkii^, however, subsequently that the affirmative could not be
proved, he said, *^ Done," and Yakntme throwing his voice behind Mr.
Bowles cried, ^ You've lost"
^ How lost V* shouted Mr. Bowles, turning sharply round. ^ Who
says I have lost?" His red-fiued friends stared at each other, but
neither of them spoke. ^ Who says I have lost T' he again inquired.
Who's to prove it V
'* I," cried Yalentine, sending his voice above. *^ I f the spirit of
Hodffson !"
*^ Now, will you believe me ?" cried BroadsideB, triumphantly, ^* Now
am I a stupid old ass?"
Mr. Bo^^es looked anaoed, and so did the red-fiused friends of Mr.
Bowles. They stared, first at each other, and then round the marquee^
and after Mr. Bowles had expressed his decided conviction tiiat the
thing was ^ onaccountably rum," he and his friends at once sat dovm,
and having thrust their hands to the very bottom of their breeches
pockets, began to look partieulariy solemn.
^ Isn't it queer ?" said Mr. Broadsides, who was the first to break
^ Queer T replied Bowles, ** Here, give us some wine, and dont
say a word more about it." And Mr. Bowles hdped himself, and then
pinshed the bottle round, and idien his frfiends had fiDed their passes,
they said with due solemnity, ^' Here's luck," and the wine was out of
sight in an instant.
Another bottk was ordered ; and when Fieschi had produced it, Mr.
Broadsides begged leave to propose, as a toast, ^^^ The immortal memory
of the Founder," which, of course, was duly honoured in silence.
A pause ensued. They were aU deep in thought : they were tomiog
the cireumstanoe over in their minds, and were, apparently, just about
eoming to the conchiAon that the soiuids were imagmaiy after all, when
VALENTINE VOX. 185
Valentine) throwing his voice into the folds of the pink-and-white cam-
bric, said, in tones of appropriate solemnity^ ^^ Gentlemen, I rise to
thank you for the honour you have conferred upon me, and beg, in
i^tum, to drink all your eood healths."
Mr. Broadsides, Mr. mwles, and his red-faced friends, hold their
breath. They stared at the cambric with an expression of astonish-
ment, but for some moments neither of them uttered a word. At length,
Mr. Bowles broke silence. '' Well," said he, ^^ this beats all my ac-
quaintance. I'm not going to stop here, and that's all about it."
The friends of Mr. Bowles seemed to like this idea ; and as Broad-
sides did not appear to be by any means opposed to such a proceeding,
the bottle was anptied, and when the amount of what was termed
the ^' damage," had been paid, the whole party left the marquee.
On reaching the lawn again, where they began to breathe with in-
finitely more freedom, the firing of cannon was heard, and several per-
sons in the crowd exclaimed, *^ The children ! the children !'' Again
and again the cannon were fired, and the visitors rushed to the sides of
the lawn, round which the poor children were to pass. The band by
which they were preceded drew nearer and nearer, and all hearts seemed
gay, although the eyes of the old people glistened with tears.
At length a policeman marched out of the passage which led through
the Asylum. He was followed by the band ; then came a double row
of octogenarian pensioners, whose appearance was calculated at once to
upset aiU the tea-total doctrines in the world, at least, as far as those doc-
trines have reference to longevity : then came the gentlemen of the
board, with their blue rosett^ and smiling faces : then came the child-
ren, and then the schoolmaster I whose head, albeit, remarkably large,
and attached to a body weighing, at least, sixteen stone, seemed in-
clined to repudiate the idea of its being impossible to find out perpetual
inotion. Thus formed, the procession marched round the ample lawn,
and the children appeared to impart great delight to the bosoms of their
benevolent patrons.
^^ I don*t know how it is," said Mr. Broadsides, when they had
passed, ^' but them children there always makes me feel, I don't know
how ;" and a couple of big tears, as he spoke^ dropped into his white
wsustcoat-pockets.
^^ I say. Broadsides," said Bowles, who at the moment approached
with his red-faced friends, '' what fools we all are !"
' What about r said Mr. Broadsides.
** Why about that there voice, there," replied Mr. Bowles. "I see
it all now. Why mightn't it have come from some vagabone at the
top V* and Mr. Bowles gave Mr. Broadsides a dig in the ribs, and
hioghed again loudly, and his red-faced friends joined in full chorus.
Mr, Broadsides dropped his head on his left shoulder, thoughtfully ;
but after a time an idea seemed to strike him, and he exclaimed, *^ So
it might ! some wagabone miffht have been a top o' the tent, but how
oonld he get in the pictur ?**
This, in return, seemed to puisele Mr. Bowles ; but after scratching
his head for some considerable time, he cried, ^' Well ! I don't care ; -
B B
186 LIFB AMD ADTBNTVRES OF
I won't believe in any of your snpernatteral nonsense. I say there must
have heea some blaggard outside. Will you make me believe that a
ghost could return thanks in that there way? Ain't it out of all
reason ? Come, let's go and see where the vagabone could have stood.*'
And he dragged Mr. Broadsides to the bad^ of the marquee, when
Valentine, fancying that if he remained with them the wine would go
round perhi^s a Tittle too fast, left the spot, and proceeded to anotlMr
marquee, in which the whole of the provisions were dispensed.
The person who presided over this large establishment was a man
whom nothing seemed to please. He cut about among the bottles in
such a dreadful state of mind, fredy sweating, and loudly swearing that
every body robbed him, and labouring apparently under the horrible
apprehension that he was working very hard to make himself a ruined
man. The good which he did himself was, indeed, very trifling ; but he
jumped firom one end of the tent to the other with the velocity of a mss-
hopper, pushing aside all who happened to come in his way scolding
some for putting too much spirit in the grog, and others, for not putting
in enough declaring that one hadn't paid him for a bottle of stout, and
that another wished to swindle him out of a plate of boiled bee^ ^in
short, he seemed to be, on the whole, a most unhappy individual,
although a decidedly good-looking man.
^ Well, old boy," said Yalentme, throwing his voice behind this re-
markable person ; *^ and how do you eet on ?
** On I" cried that person, *^ good Tuck to you, don't say a word to
me now, whoever you are. i shall go raving mad ; ve^ body's
robbing me ; every body's at it ; I don't believe I've got a single boniest
man about me."
" Do you see," cried Valentine, " how your wine's going under the
tent there ?"
*^ Under the tentl" cried the busy person, ^^ where? Here Tom-
kins! Smith, Lucas I'rtm behind, and knock down those vagabonds,
dy*e hear I Behind there! behind!" and away went three wraiters.
^* I thoughty* he continued, ^' that the wine went somewhere. I've lost
a couple of dozen, at least ; and nobody 11 look out, nobody 11 assist
me, although I am surrounded by plundering thieves ; nobody '11 move
hand or foot ; I must do all myself."
^ Ther^M nobody behind !" cried Lucas, returning; and Tomkins, and
Smith bore testimony to the fiatct.
^^ I tell you they've been forking out the wine I but you're all in a
gang. I expect to see you all, by and by, as drunk as devils. If I've
bst one bottle, I've lost five doasen. But let 'em come again,- only let
them try it on ! Fll keep my eye upon 'em, ^111 sarve 'em out, the
warmint!" and he placed an empty bottle near a hole in the canvas, and
a carving-knife upon a hamper beside it, with the view of having a cut
at the very next hand that happened to be clandestinely introduced.
Valentine feeling that it would be cruel to tease this unhappy man
under the circumstances any longer, left the spot, and proceeded across
the lawn with the view of inspecting the female visitors, of whom all
were well dressed, and some very beautiful, but none in his judgment
TALBHTmB TOX. 187
one-half so beautiful as the fair unknown whom he had saved to lose, he
Bared, for ever. There was in the crowd one who, with soft sleepy
eyes, which when opened were briUiaat and fuU, bore some slight re-
semblance to his idol ; but even she was not compaiable to her of whom
he felt so much enamoured, for while her features were irregular, and her
figure inelegant, her voice, which he heard as he passed, contrasted
harahly with those sweet silvery tones which he so well remembered.
His ear was, however, at this moment assailed with a different species
of music, for the band commenced the overture to Der Frietchutz^ with
the wild unearthly phrases of which he had before felt enchanted. He
had scarcely, however, reached the lawn m front of the Asylum, on which
the band was stationed, when he was started by a remarkably heavy
sUp on the shoulder, which on turning round he found to proceed from
Mr. Broadsides, who had evidently been taking more wine, and who
exclaimed, " Well, old follow, why, where have you been poking to ?
We've been running all over the place to find you. Come, let's see
what's agoing forrud here;" and taking the arm of Valentine, he at
once led the way into the booth termed the " Ladies' Bazaar," in which
all sorts of toys were exposed for sale, and the avenue was crowded, but
they nevertheless stopped to inspect every stall.
^^ Will you buy me a work-box please, Mr. Broadsides," said Valen-
tine, assuming a female voice, which appeared to proceed from a very
gaily dressed little lady who stood just Inside him.
Mr. Broadffldes ohudked the little lady under the chin, and said,
*' Certainly, my little dear, which would you like T
*'*' Sir I" cried the little lady, tossing her head proudly, and turning
away with a look of indignation.
Broadsides blew out his cheeks with an energy which threatened to
crack them, and after giving a puff which nearly amounted to a whistle,
he tossed his head in humble imitation of the little lady, and turned
round to Bowlea
'* Hullo !" said that gentleman, '* Can't let the girls alone, eh ? still
np to your old tricks ? I shall tell Mrs. Broadsides. '
Now, although Mr. Bowles had no intention whatever of carrying this
threat into actual execution, the bare mention of that lady's name caused
Broadsides to blow with more energy than before. " Why," said he,
** didn't you hear the cretur ask me to buy her a work-box ?"
*^ It's all very fine," replied Bowles, *^ but it won't do, old boy, it
won't do."
"" Well, if she didn't, I m blessed 1" rejoined Broadsides, '' and that's
all about it."
Mr. Bowles, however, still very stoutly maintained that if she had,
she would never have bounced off in that way, and as that was an argu-
ment over which Mr. Broadsides could not very comfortably get, he
nmod. Valentine's arm and pressed back through the crowd.
^^ Well," said he, on returning to the lawn, " how do you find your-
self now ?*'
^' Why," replied Valentme, ^ particularly thirsty, can't we have some
tea?"
1
188 LIFB AMD ADVBMTUBBS OF
^^ Tea is a thing I nerer do drink," said Broadsides; ^^ bat if you'd like
to have some I'll tell you what we*U do ; we'll give one of the old wo-
men a turn, jou know, instead of going down to that there toit."
Valentine, of coune, was quite wuling to do so ; and as the charitable
suggestion was applauded by Mr. Bowfes and the only red-&oed firiend
he had with him, they w^t into one of the little rooms in the Asylum,
and after Broadsides had warmly kissed its occupant who was remsrk-
ably old, but remarkable clean, he at once ordered tea for half a doeen.
^^ There are but four of us,^' observed Mr. Bowles, as the delighted
old lady left the room to make the necessary preparations.
^*' Oh ! never mind," said Broadsides, " iVll be ail the better, you know,
for the old woman. She don't have a turn every day. You wouldn't
believe it,'' he continued, ^^ but that old cretur, there, when I first
knew her, kept one of the best houses of business in London !
^' Is she a widder?" inquired Mr. Bowles.
^' Now she is, but she wasn't then ; old Sam was alive at that time."
" And when he died I suppose things went to rack and ruin V
'^ Oh, that occurred before he went home. He was the steadiest man
any where, the first seven 3rearB he was in business, and made a mint
o' money ; but when he lost his daughter, a beauti^ girl, just for all
the world like my Betsy, he all at once turned out a regular Lushington,
and everything of course went sizes and sevens. He always made a
pint of getting drunk before breakfast, and ruination in one way of
course, brought on ruination in another, imtil he was obliged for to go
all to smash. Poor Sam died very soon after that time you see, because
he couldn't eat. It don't matter what a man drinks, so long as he can
eat, but when he can't eat, he ought to leave off drinking ull he can.
That's my sentiments."
^' There's a good deal in that," said Mr. Bowles, ^* a good deal."
^^ Well, dame," said Broadsides, as the widow re-entoed the room ;
^^ why you are looking younger and younger every day. It's many
years now since you and me first met."
^' Ah !" said the poor old lady, with a sich, '^ I've gone through a
world of trouble sin' then ; but, kd be praised for aU his goodness,
I'm as happy now as the dayB are long."
'' That's right, my old girl," said Mr. Broadsides, '' that's right I I
say now, can't you set us a bottle of decent port anywhere about here?"
'^ I dares to say I can," replied the old lady, and she put on her
bonnet, and having received a sovereign, trotted out.
Mr. Bowles nowbecan to roast Mr. Broadsides about the little indig-
nant lady and the work-box ; but that gentleman turned the tables on
Mr. Bowles by reminding him, that when he lived at Brixton, and was
at a party at Kennington, he insisted upon seeing a young lady home,
not knowing where she lived ; and when the feivour was granted, he had
to walk wiuL her, at twelve o'clock at night, into Bed Gow Lane, near
Stepney Qieen.
'' Is that a fact ?" enquired the red-faced friend of Mr. Bowles.
'^ Oh that's true enough," replied Bowles, ^^ and all I could do, I
couldn't get her to ride."
VALBNTINS TOX. 189
Hereupon Mr. Broadsides, and Valentine, and the red-fiieed gentle-
man indulged in loud lauffhter, and Mr. Bowles very heartily joined
them, and when the old kdy entered with the wine, she laughed too ;
but the sight of the bottle soon subdued Mr. Broadsides, who in an
instant b^;an to unoork it. ^' Keep the change, old girl, till I call for
it," said he, and the old lady said that he was a very good man, and
hoped that God wonld bless him, and that his unily might prosper.
Valentine had to make tea ; and Mr. Broadsides sat at another little
table over his wine, which he drank yery fast and very mechanically,
for his thoughts were on the mysterious oocuzrences of the day. Valen-
tine, however, would not let him rest, for taking advantage of an
unusually nlent moment, he introduced under the table at which he
was sitting, an exact imitation of the squeaking of a rat.
^' Hallo i^' cried Broadsides, starting up in a moment, and seiong
the poker, and in doing so, knocking down the shovel and tongs ; ^^ only
let me oome across you.''
^^ What's the matter with you now I*' exclaimed Mr. Bowles.
^' Shet the door, shot the door 1" cried Broadsides to the widow, who
bad entered, on hearing the rattling of the irons. ^* Here's a rat- a rat !"
and the old lady dropped upon a chair and wound her clothes in an
instant round her 1^ as tightly as possible, while Broadsides was
anxiously removing every article of furniture in the room, and searching
in every comer with the poker in his hand.
^^ Lor^ bless us 1" cried the widow, ^' I didn't know there was a mt in
the place," and another squeak was heard, upon which Mr. Broadsides
jumped upon a chair with all the alacrity at his command, which was
not very considerable, and looked very fierce.
The laughter of Mr. Bowles and his red-faced Mend at that moment
was particularly hearty, for they were not afraid of rats 1 but Mr.
Broadsides was, and so was the old lady, who continued to sit in an
interesting heap.
'' Only let me come across him !" cried Broadsides again, and doubt-
less had a rat at that moment appeared, it would have stood a Tery ur
chance of giving up the ghost, for Mr. Broadsides shook the poker with
great desperation, and looked altogether extremely ferocious.
'^ Come down from that chair, do, you jolly old fool,'' cried Mr.
Bowles ; '' as true as life, I shaU bust 1" and another roar of laughter
proceeded from him and his friend, in which Valentine could not help
joining. Indeed he laughed so heartily, that all alarm subsided, for as
he couldnH t^ueak for liuighing, Broadsides eventually descended from
the chair.
'' They're nasty things are rats," said he, ^^ particular nasty things.
I can't abear 'em," and he began to give an account of the ferocious
oharacteristics of those little animala, describing the different species
and the different parts at which each of those different species took it
into their heads to fly ; and while he was drawing the line between the
grey rat and the black rat, the old lady still holding her clothes down
very tightly, managed to rush, with great presence of mind, from ttie
room.
190 LIFE AND AOTBNTirBSS OF
Mr* Bowles and bis firiend, however, conlamied to lanch, and as the
sqaee^ing had ceased, Mr. Broadsides laughed too, while Yalentiiie,
who then had a stitoh in his side, slipped away in a dreadful state of
muscular excitement.
The very moment he got out of the place, he met one of theied-ftoed
finends of Mr. Bowles, walking between two gaudily dressed ladies, one
of whom was remarkably short and &t, whfle the other was remaikable
only for her decided skeletcmian characteristics. To these ladies Valen-
tine was formally introduced ; the short fiftt lady, as the wife of the red-
faced gentleman, and the tall Uiin lady, as Miss Amelia Spinks.
^* We are going to have a danoe^" said the red-iaced gentleman, ^* will
you join us i
^' With pleasure," replied Valentine, looking into the little laoghing
eyes of the short &t lady, who mechanically drew her arm from that of
her husband, and Valentine as mechaiiically offered her his.
Thus paiitsd, though by no means matched, they proceeded araoss the
lawn, and having reached the dancing booth, they paid the admission
fee, and entered.
The place was dreadfully hot, as were indeed all who were in it,
for tliey not only danced with all their souls, and with all their strength,
but, in consequence of the place being so crowded, they bumped up
against each other's bustles at every tiun, while the professional gentle*
men in a sort of a box were scraping and blowing away, like JN^orth
Britons.
Valentine solicited the hand of the short iai lady for tiie next set.
^ Oh dear,'' said that lady, '^ I am so weny horkard ; but is it to be
a country daiice V*
Valentine hoped not, firom his sonl, under the circumstances, and
was gratified to learn that country diuices were there repudiated, as
nlgar. He^ however, ascertained that th^ were going to have a
Spanish dance, which certainly was the next best thing ; and, havine
eommnnicsted that interesting hct to the lady in question, he prevailed
upon her eventually to stand up.
The gentlemen now clapped their hands, vnth due energy witii the
view of intimating to the musicians, who were sweating like bullodu,
that they were perfectly prepared to start off, and after a time those
professional individuals did consent to sound the note of preparation.
Now in order that aU might be in motion together, every third ooupb
were expected to lead off, and as Valentine and his partner happened
to form a third couple, they of course changed sides, and the dance
commenced.
*^ I do hope," said she, when they had got to the bottom, * that
we shall have to go all the way down again, it is so beautiful." But
unfortnnatdiy for ner the music ceased the next moment, and the daooe
was at an end. And then, oh ! how she did run on I Nothing was
ever half so lovely, one quarter so nice, or one hundred and mlbieth
part so delightful as that Spanish dance. She was sore there never was
soch an elegant dancer in this world as Valentine, and she did sinoerely
=3^^
J
TALMMTnrB YOX. 191
hope to have the pkasuie of seeii^ liim often at ^' the Monntain and
Mutton Chops."
And Yalentuie was yery happy ; and the red-faoed gentleman was
Tory happy ; and they were all very happy, and laughed very merrily,
and peiepiied yery freely.
*' Come," said the led-foced gentleman, holding forth a glass of hot
brandy-and-water. ^' Drink, sir : I'm happy to know yon as the friend
of Mr. Broadsides, and you're worthy of being the friend, sir, of any
man ^nk !"
Valentine apped. He fancied that hot brandy-and-water would not
be exactly the Ihing after the work he had had to perform, and therefore
went for some ices and sundry bottles of lemonade for himsdif and the
ladies, who, during his absence, were lost in admiration of his pleasing
companionable qualities, which certainly were very conspicuous.
The next dance was called the Caledonians ! Now, thought Yalen-
tine, I am in for it beautifully.
** I shall have you a^n for a partner," said he, *' of course ?"
^'Oh dear me, yes, I shall be so happy," cried the little fat lady,
star&g up, ^' but you must teach me, you know ; and then I don't
mind.' Nor did Ate, Had it been a minuet or eyen a hornpipe, it
would not have been of the slightest possible importance to her then, so
long indeed as Valentine consented to instruct her.
The music commenced. ^^ Hands across, back again to plaoes," cried
a person who officiated as master of the ceremonies in a voice so pecu-
liar that Valentine fancied that he mi^t as well imitate it as not. The
first figure was accomplished ; and Uie little fat lady who would not
stir an inch without being led by Valentine, went through it very well ;
but just as they were commencing the second, Valentine assuming
the voice of the M. C. cried, ^^LHiT* and those who happened to
hear him, began to do Uiti in defiance of the master of the ceremonies,
who shouted, ^^ No, no 1 Caledonians ! ^not the first set !"
The error, after some slight confusion, was rectified, and they went
on advancing and retiring very properly ; but when they arrived at the
*^ promenade " Valentine cried, ^^ Chanez craitez ! " and those who
obeyed, met those who were promenading with great energy of mind,
well knowing that they were right, and so violent was the contact, that
in a moment at least fifty couples were on the eroundl The pro*
menaders had the worst of it deddedly, for they galloped round at such
a rapid rate, that when one couple fell in a set, the others rolled over
them, as a purely natural matter of course. The oonfiiaion for a time
was unpandleled, and the lauffhter which succeeded amounted to a roar,
but Valentine gallantly saved his little partner ; for, suspecting what
was about to occur, he seized her by the waist, and drew her at once
into the centre, where he stood viewing the tumult he had thus repre*
hensibly induced with feelings of intense satisfieustion.
Of course the fiiUen parties were not long before they scrambled up
again, and when they had risen, the brushing on the part of the gen-
tlemen, and the blushing on the part of the hMies, were altogether un-
exampled, while the musicians, whose eyes were firmly fixed upon the
192 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINR VOX.
notes, worked away as if nothing had happened, ttntil they had com*
pleted the tune.
^^ Why did you call chassez-eroUez f" shouted seTetal of the gentlemen,
in tones of reproach. ^* We were all right enough imtil you interfered."
The master of the ceremonies assured those gentlemen, individually
and collectively, that he did not call out ^' chtutez-eramz** at aU, and
that somehody else did
Valentine now thought that it would be a pity to disturb the clear
current of their enjoyment again. He, therefore, permitted them, with-
out interruption, to go through the various figures prescribed, and made
the fat little lady perform so much to her own satisfaction, and that of her
husband who appeared to be exceedingly fond of his little wife that
at the conclusion, their pleasure knew no bounds.
Every dance after that, she stood up for, and she and her husband ap-
peared to be 80 grateful to Valentine, and made him feel so conscious
that the highest possible pleasure is involved in the act of imparting
pleasure to others, that he really felt happy in giving her instructions,
although she did work him most cruelly. Indeed, so much did he
enjoy himself^ that he continued in the booth until the band struck up
the national anthem, when finding that it was past ten o'clock, he took
hb leave,. and went to look after Broadsides.
That gentleman, he ascertained, after having searched for him in all
directions but the right one, had started ten minutes before with Mr.
Bowles. He therefore immediately left the gay scene, and having
found that every vehicle about the place had been previously engaged,
he set off on foot towards town. He had not proceeded for, however,
before he arrived at a spot, on one side of which was an open field, and
on the other a row of houses, which stood back some distance from the
road. All was silent, and dark : it appeared so especially to him, hav-
ing just left the glitter and noise of the fair. He, however, walked on
pretty briskly ; but just as he had reached the termination of this field,
two fellows stood immediately before him. He could see them but
indistinctly, but he heard them with remarkable distinctness cry, '* Stand !
your money, or your life !"
^*0h, oh !" muttered Valentine, "that's the game, is it I'* and he
drew himself back with the view of striking out with freedom, but the
fellows, as if conscious of his object, seized him in an instant, and one of
them, holding to his head something, he couldn't tell whether it was
the muzzle of a pistol, or the end of a bludgeon, nor did he much car&
cried *^ Out with it ! quick ! and your watch !"
Valentine did not like to part with hi^ watch; nor was he very
anxious to part with his money : he, therefore, finding the rascals par-
ticularly impatient, and by no means disposed to wait until he had con-
sulted a friend, shouted, throwing his voice behind him ^' Here they
are! here are the scoundrels ! Secure them !"
The fellows, on the instant, relinquished their hold, and turned
round with unspeakable velocity; and just as the last man was darting
away, Valentine presented him with a souvenir, in perfect similitude of
a kick, and proceeded towards home without further molestation.
193
CHAPTER XXVI.
IN WHICH VALBNTINE VTSTTS THE LONDON DOCKS, AND MOST REPRB^
HENSIBLT INDUCES A WICEXD WASTE OF WINE.
As a matter of christian courtesy, Yalentine called upon Broadsides the
following morning, and found that gentleman undeigoing the connubial
operation of haymg his ears pierced painfully by the amiable Mrs.
Broadsides, in consequence of his having returned from the Fancy Fair,
in her judgment, a little too affectionate and merry. The very moment,
however, Yalentine passed the bar- window, BrcMtdsides felt somewhat
relieved, seeing that, strange as it may appear, he had been waiting all
the morning for the entrance of some friend, whose presence might cause
his lady's tongue to sound somewhat less harshly. He, therefore, on
the instant, started up, and, having grasped the hand of Valentine, ob-
served that he really was a very pretty fellow, for running away the
previous evening ; and, having made this truly remarkable observation,
he caused him at once to sit down in the bar, and slapped his thigh with
all the force of which he was capable, and wished, very particularly, to
know how he felt himself then.
*^ Why, he's not like somebody I know," observed the highly sarcas-
tic Mrs. Broadsides, volunteering an answer to the question proposed.
'' He can go out and have a day's pleasure without making a beast of
himself, and that's more than some people can do." And she looked
very spitefully at Mr. Broadsides, and bottled some bitters, and, having
driven the cork against the edge of the bar very violently, began to dam
np an esrtraordinary hole in Mr. Broadsides' speckled worsted stockings.
^^ Why," said Valentine, addressing Mr. Broadsides, ^' you were all
right when you came home, were you not?"
*' Right, sir !" cried the lady, '^ he never is right. Go where he may,
and when he may, he alwa3rs comes home like a beast. It's wonderfal
to me^^it really is wonderful, that men can't go out without drinking
and swilling, and guttling, to such an extent, as to make themselves
stupid. What pleasure, what comfort, what enjo3anent can there be
in it ? That's what I want to know ! We can go out, and be pleasant
and happy, and come home without getting tipsy : but you ! there, if
I wouldn't have every man who gets m that state, kept on brown br^td
and water for a month I'm not here ! What, if I were to go out, and
oome home like you, reeling I"
** Oh, that would be a worry different thing," observed Broadsides.
^ Not at all ! Don't tell me ! We have just as much right to get
tipsy as you have. It's just as bad for one as for the other, and no
worse. If a woman gets tipsy, she's everything that's dreadful. Oh !
nothing's too bad for her: it's then the fore-runner of all sorts of
wicke&ess. But a man ! ^he has only to get sober again, and nothing
more is said or thought about the matter. I say, that like many other
CO
194 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
things, it's as bad for the man as for the woman, only the mischief of it
is, it isn't thought so, that's all/'
During the rapid delivery of these interesting observations, Mr.
Broadsides was scratching his whiskers, and fidgeting, and winking, and
nodding towards the door, with the view of inspiring Valentine with the
conviction, that by leaving the bar, their mutual comfort would, in all
probability, bo very matenally enhanced. It was some time, however,
before he was able to make these peculiarly cabalistic signs understood ;
but he was at length. sucoessfuU and Valentine, acting upon the natural
suggestion^ directed a pint of wine to be sent into the coffee-room, and
invited Mr. Broadsides to join him.
^ Yon fa^ better stay here," said the lady, addressing Valentine, ^^ I
don't allow every one to be in the bar, but I don't mind you ; and it
ghall be more oomfoctable here than in that cold room : it has just been
scoured out and is stillivery damp."
Valenlane appaiently felt, flattered. He had not the smallest objec-
timi to remain; but Bioadndes ifiost certainly had, and this was no
sooner perceived by his lady, than she enquiid, with bitter earnestness,
whether* be had any pantiimlar wish to have another fit of the gout ?
This affectionate interrogatory settled the busmess. They r^oiaiued in
the bar; and Valsntine, with appropriate solemnity^ enquired. if Broad-
ddes were really very bad when he retumed.
^* As sober as a judge, sir !" replied that gentleman.
^^ Qood gracious !" exclaimed the lady, as Broadades left the bar to
look after a boBfld*chicken . '^How can you say that, when you know
that you were as tipsy as tipsy could be ?"
*^ Wdl," cried Yidentine, throwing his voice immediately, bebind
Mrs. Bioad^dea, '* that's a good bne.*^
The lady^ on the instant, wheetod round, expecting, of course, to see
some person there ; but, as this expectation was by no means realized,
she feh, in- some slisbt dmee, alannidd, and looked very mysterious,
and then turned to Valentme, of whom she enquired if he had heard
that extraoidinary remark.
Valentine, who seemed to be reading most intently^ took no appar-
ent notice of this natural question, but added, with his eyes' still fixed
upon the paper^-**^ I intended it for you. It could reach no fartber.
Why, I ask, axe you a scold ?"
The tones in which this observaltion was made bore, in the judgment
of Mrs. B^Midsides,' some resemblance to those of the voice of the waiter,
who happened to be' standing a short distance firom the bar, countii^ hii
money again and again,, sotatchiAg his head with great violeooe^ and
endeavouring to recollect whether two very hungiy individnala^ wbo
had consumed nine chbpe and six kidneys the previous nigbi^ bad, in
reality, paid hun or not.
^What's that you say, sur?'' enquired the lady, with a sharpness
which quite confused all his calculations.
*^ Me, mum!" cried thd waiter, turning round with great velocity,
^^ / did'nt speak, mum."
TAiBirnNB vox. 195
'' You did speak I I hMid you, iir ! Let me have no more of your
impertinent^, I beg/'
Tbia Walter felt eonftiBed. He oonldn't understand it I He twisted
his napkin and swung it under his arm with great eneigy of mind ; but
he coiiid not unravel tKe mystery at all. He did, however, eventually
venture td observe thai, upon his soul, he had nefver opened his lips.
** How date you," cAed the lady, ^teUme that wicked firisriiood,
when I heard you as plain as "
'' No ! yon heard me, mum V eried YiJentine, ikio^Rring his Toioe
wKh reprehensible dezteritjr into the mouth of the waiter.
^ Don't I say so!* continued the lady, ^^Iknowit was yon, and
yet you have the impudence to tell me to my fitoe, that upon your soul
you didn't open your lips r
** No more I did ! 'twasn't me !*' ciied the Waiter, whose Mood really
began to bubble up.
**If it wasnt you. who was it then, strt Thai si what /want to
know!'' cried the lady ; but the waiter ooddn't tett her H0'koked
extremely ^usaded, and so did his mistress, who at length iNlgah ta \i&-
fieve that it ooiddn't have been him, and whila^ vnth thelff moikhs -wid^
open, they were giving each other a lingMtng' lok;- whMcjdaafy so-
nified that it mu^ have been some one; V^alentiiie,^ who. seemed to be
still itttent upon the paper, entd in a d&bp hollow Toice, whiish appeared
to recede gradnaOy ^^ Farewell ! treat him better. He's kind to you :
be kind to him !" ....
Now, whether the tendeir conscience of the lady was pieced by thesi^
pointed remarks : whether she felt it impossible to iMat^ BroaUdsi
better, or was anxious to keep him in a blissM state f ignorance of
bett^ treatment, having thus been enjefaied, a liberal and highly lenlight*
ened pubHo will in aU probability be able to guess, on being infemed
that not a syllable having reference to the mystery vras breathed HiCtt
Mr. Broadsides returned to the baar. It was, however^ easy lO'peveei^
that an impreesicii had been made upon the mind of the lady, K^ albeit
she appeared to be thoughtful and gloomy, her tone was oonsidMably
changed, wheti in reply to Mr. BroMbides eiH{uii7,as to whether sh^
hitended to go with this girk to tiie feir, ihe Said-*^^ Well, dear, 1 don't
much csHfOif I do."* ' ....-, ,^ ,....,. /
^^That's right, my good giH l** tocUdined Bioadsidei^ absolutely electric
fied. ^'I lovo the old woman when she's pleasant and happy t" and
he re#aided her at once with aemacking kiss^ which might have
been heaid iii the mid^ lif A seoftn: - t '
Bxtty^ siiiclthe l*dy, *hiw long shall you be gohe f''
Oh, tiot -abov^ a couplo of hours ; but dosCi waiit foime; run away
now and tuPn^ ydiiraelf tidy, and gb off a% bncob 111 make it aU right
befere I leave. *^I\n going dOWn to thd' docks;" he continued, addrw-
ing Talentiife. ^^Yoti nevei^wtoe ther^ I suppose? What liay you?
you may just lid well tiin down with Hie.** '
Valentin^ cotisente^j Mrs. -BroadsMeir left- the bar; and the wmter,
who had evideiitly not got quite ove* it, bought in the tray.
cc
.^ 1
196 LiFB aud abtxntures of
'^That's the best wife in the world," obeerred Bioadaidee, ''that of
mine. It is true, there ain't none on us perfect, but if she could but
get over that temper of hem, sir, she'd be perfection, and not a ha'porth
&s."
'^ But you were of course tipsy last evening V said Valentuie.
'' Why as to the matter of that, perhaps f was, you see, a little bit
sprung, I don't deny it ; I might have been a small matter so, but,
lorl that makes no odds in the least. I've been married now two-aud-
twenty year, and I don't suppose that during that period of time I ever
came home drunk, or sober, without being, according to the old woman's
reckoning, a beast. But lor ! practice makes perfwt, and use is second
natur. She has done it so long, that she has brought the thing at last
to such perfection, that I railly shouldn't feel myself quite at home
without it. But she's a worry good sort; and you know there's
always something ; and the best thmg a man can do, Tk not to look at
either the dark or the bright side alone, but to mix 'em up together,
and see then what a sort of a colour they produce. They say that
white is the union of all colours, and depend upon it, woman is the
same. They're, in the lump, the union of all that s good and bad ; yet
the miztur you see is so particular pretty, that we can't get on at all
without loving 'em, no how."
Valentine agreed with this practical philosophy, and in due'course
of time, which was not inconsiderable, Mrs. Broadsides descended full-
dressed ^not indeed in an aristocratic sense, for in that sense the term
*' fuU-dressed" may signify, when interpreted, the state of being nearly
half naked ; but in a really legitimate sense full-dressed, swelled out to
an enormous extent at every point ; and as she was an extremely stout
lady, and rather tall for her age, which fluctuated at that interesting
period of her existence, between forty-five and sixty, her toui emenMe
was particularly fascinating a fact of which she appeared to be by no
means unconscious. She sported, on the occasion, a lilac satin dress,
vrith four full twelve-inch flounces, which were delicately edged with
crimson fringe, a yeUow velvet shawl, striped with crimson, to match
the iringe of the flounces, and trimmed with bright emerald bullion ;
a pink-and-blue bonnet of extraordinary dimensions, with a bouquet
of variegated artificiab on one side, and a white ostrich plume tipped
with scarlet on the other ; and a long white veil, sweetiy flowered all
over, and so arranged as to form a sort of festooned curtain, which hung
about tax inches over the front. Nor will it be improper to speak of
the jewellenr, with which certain points of her person were adorned,
for she had on a pair of really Brobdignagian ear-drops studded
with Lilliputian spangles, an elegant mother o' pearl necklace with a
cross attached in front ; a massive gold chain, which hung completely
over her shoulders, and which communicated with an immense gold
chronometer on one side of her waist, and on the other to an extraordi-
nary bunch of about a dozen seals of all sorts and sizes; an eye-glaas
attached to a chain made of hair, which enabled it to bang dovm in
front quite as low as her knees ; an average of three rings on each
-"irticular finger of each particular hand,' and a scent bottle adorned
TALBNTINB VOX. 197
"with a chased gold top, which peeped for a breath of air jast out of her
heaving bosom. Thns equipped, she had a small glass of brandy-and-
water warm, ^and when the two young ladies had pronounced them-
selves ready, Valentine submitted a glass of wine to each, and then
handed them elegantly into a decent hackney coach, the driver of which
had engaged to take them there and bring them back for twelve shillings
and two drops of something to drink.
'^ Now," said Mr. Broadsides, the moment they had started, ^^ we'll
be off,'' and after having given certain instructions to his servants, he
and Valentine walked to the stand, and got into a low sedan-chair sort
of a cab, which, as Broadsides very justly observed, might have been
kicked into very little bits if the horse had felt disposed to be handy
with his hind legs. They sat, however, in the most perfect safety, for
they happened to be behind one of those poor devoted animals which
have not more than half a kick in them, albeit in the space of half an
hour he brought them to the entrance of the London Docks.
^* Well, here we are,*' said Broadsides, as they passed through the
gates, at which certain official individuaJs were looking with peculiar
suspicion at every person who passed out. **' Them are the sarchers
which saroh all the labourers afore they go home, which I don't Hke the
principle o^ 'cause it is treating them all just as if they was thieves."
^^ And I suppose by that means they are kept honest V observed
Valentine.
** Why 1 des-say it keeps a good many from stealing ; but that's
altogether a different thing you know from keeping 'em honest. Ho-
nesty's honesty all over the world. If a man has the inclination to steal,
he ain't a ha'porth the honester 'cause he can't do it. That's my senti*
ments."
*' I suppose that, notwithstanding, there is a great deal of smuggling
going forward I"
*' 1 believe you ! The men does a pretty goodish bit in that way ;
but the women are by fax the most regkrest devils, 'cause, you see,
them at the gate can't so easily detect 'em. They wind long bladders,
filled with spirits, round their bodies to such an extent you'd be sur-
prised. But they can't smug quite so much away at a time now,
'cause in consequence you see of the alteration of the fashion. But
when the balloon sleeves and weny large bustles were in wogue, they
oonld manage to walk away gallons at a time."
" Indeed !" said Valentme, *' but how ?"
^^ Why, you see, independent of the bladders which they wound werry
comfortably round 'em, they could stow away nearly half a gallon in
each sleeve, for as them sort of sleeves required something to make 'em
stand out, they werry natterally fancied that they might just as well
have the buleers blown out with rum and brandy as with air, so all
they had to do was to strap their little water-proo& carefully round
their arms, and their sleeves look as fashionable as life ; and then, as for
their bustles, why that you know, of course, was werry easily managed,
for they bad but to tie their big bulgers with different compartments
round thor waists, and they could stow away a gallon of stuff any
198 LIFE AMD ADTBIITUIIBS OF
hour in the cby, and then walk through the gates with it hanging on
l)ehind, just as natteral as clock-work."
Yalentine smiled ; but Broadsides hraghed so loudly at the idea, that
his promsB was for a very considerable time impeded. He did, how-
ever, aSter haying blown out his cheeks with great vehemence to che^
the current of his mirth, succeed in regaining the power to waddle on-
wards. ^' There,'' said he, stoppiuff at the wmdow of one of the little
shops which are let to certain merchants who deal in ship's stores, and
^iirecting the attention of Yalentine to a row of little canisters, labelled
.'' Boast Beef;" '' Beef and Yegefcables^" &o., '' That there's the stuff to
make your hair eurl I That* s the sort of tadde to take out on a lone
woyage ! There's a pound on it smashed into about a sq[uare inch. ' X
course the merest mite on it will fill a man's belly. He can't starve any
how, so long as he's got a quarter of an inch of that in him. But come,
we must keep on moving, you know, or we sha'n't get half over the busi-
ness to-day."
'* Are those empty V enquired Yalentine pointing to several hundred
oasks whicli were lyinff to the left of the entranoe.
*^ Empty I Full of wme, sir full, sir, eveiy man jack on 'em. But lor !
that's notlung to what you'll see below. Why they've giot inlhewault
about a huned thousimd pipes; and the rent, if we awerage'em atfive
and twenty shillings a-year a-pieoe^ will be something like a hundred
and twenty-five thousand pounds, while the walue, if we take 'em aQ
round at five and forty pound a pipe, will be nearly five million of
m6ney ! five million, sir ! What do you think of that ?"
Yalentine thou^t it enormous, and said so ; and Broadsides expressed
his opinion, that England could never be conquered, so long as she pos-
sessed such an immense stock of wine. *^ What," said he, "^ has made
the British nation so ^orions ? What has made our generals and ad-
mirals so wictorious ? \Vine, sir, wine, and nothing biit wine ! Wine^
sir I as sound as a nut. That's my sentiments;" and the eloquence with
which thoee sentiments were delivered, threw him into such a i^te of
penpiration, that he stood at the entrance of the vault for some con*-
aiderable time with his hat o^ in order to wipe himsdf dry.
*^ Liffhts 1" shouted a man, as they eventually descended; and two
very ouy individuals fired the wicks of two jcircular lamps, which were
stuck upon sticks about two feet long ; one of which it was the custom
to give to each person to cany in his hand round the vault. Broadsides
then drew forth some papers, and bavins arranged them to his own satis-
fiMtion and that of the clerk in attendance, a cooper was called, who
conducted them at once into the faa-ieaned. place which contained, ac-
cording to Broadsides^ a hundred thousand pipes of the essence of Gbeai
Bntams^oiy.
Yalentme was for some time unable to see any thing distinctly, hut the
lamps, which were stationed in various parts of the vault, and which
burned very dull and very red; but Broadndes who had long been aoena-
tomed to liie place, was not nearly so much affected by the gloom. ** I
say," said he, holding up the lamp he had in his hand, ^ only look at tbe
fungus!" and Yalentme saw, 8uqended from the aiohee^ huge
TAIiENTIlfE VOX. 199
of cobweb, which had the appearance of fine black wool. Some of these
cobwebs weie hanging in festoons from point to point, about as thick as
a man's leg, while others hung in bunches about the size of a man's
bod J, and formed altogether an extraordinary mass of matter, which
certain learned members of the British Association would do well to
examine with appropriate minuteness, with the praiseworthy view of
reporting thereon at the next merry meeting.
^' How much of this rail is there down in the wault V enquired
Broadsides, of the cooper, as he pointed to the iron plates which were
planted along the middle of each avenue, for the purpose of rolling the
casks with focility.
*^ Nine-and-twenty mile," replied the cooper.
^^ Twenty-nine miles !*' cried Valentine in amazement.
*^ Nine-and-twenty mile, sir ; and 111 be bound to say there ain't a
foot over or imder. Here we shall find them," he continued on reach-
ing the arch under which were some of the wines that Mr. Broadsides
wished to taste ; and while the cooper was looking for the particular
casks, Broadsides called the attention of Valentine to one of the venti-
lators. ^^ There's a glorious battle !'' said he, ^' did you ever behold
Buch a shindy? It's the foul air fighting with the fresh. One yon
see wants to come in, and the other one wants to get out : neither on
'em seems inclined to wait for the other, and thus they go on con-
tinally at it in that state of mind, you see, world without end."
** This is No. 1," said the cooper, at this moment bringing an al^
glass full of wine.
l^roadsides took the glass by its foot, and held it up to the light, and
then shook it a little, and spilt about half, and then smelt it, and
turned up his nose, and then tasted it, and spurted it out again, and
having made up an extraordinary &ce, he proceeded to blow out his
cheeks to an extent which made it appear that he might at that time
have had in his mouth a remarkable couple of overgrown codlings.
^That won't do at no prke," sud he, after a time, ^^just walk into
Slk," and a glass of No. 6, was accordingly drawn, and when he had
ahaken it and smelt it, and tasted it as before, he pronounced the whole
lot to be ^^ pison."
*'*' I suppose," obeerved Valentine, while Broadsides was occupied in
bringing his mouth into shape, 'Hhat you frequently make persons
tipsy down here ?"
** They frequently make theirselves tipsy," replied the cooper.
** when they come down to look and not to buy, you know^to swill
and not to taste. There was yesterday, for instance, three young
bloods came in with an order to taste five and twenty quarter casks, and
mae enough they did taste 'em. They made me tap every cask, and
ewallowed every glass that I drawed, and when I'd gone right clean
ihiotngh 'em, they tried to overpersuade me to b^n the lot again at
the begimiing. Now, there ain't above four of these 'ere to a pint, so
they couldn't have taken in less than three bottles a-piece. I warned
'em of the consequence, for I saw they knew nothing at all about it,
bat the fact was, they came for a swill, and a swill they most certainly
200 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
had. They didn't, however, feel it any great deal down heie, but
pre-haps they didn't when they got out ! I knew how it'd be, so I
went up the steps just to watch them, and lor I directly they smelt
the fresh air, and saw the light of the blessed heayen, they all began
to reel just like so many devils. I thought that bang into the dock
go they must, and if they'd only seen the water, in of course they
would have soused, for they ran right bust against everything they
tried to avoid."
^^ Then persons don't feel it much while they are down here ?" ob-
served Valentine.
*^ No," replied the cooper, '' very seldom unless they happen to
have bad a glass of ale before they come down, and then they just
do if they drink at all any ways freely. The other day, now, a
lushington of this kind came in with two others, and I attended 'em ;
and when they had tasted, and tasted, and tasted until I thought
they'd all drop down dead drunk together, tliis gent slipped away, and
his friends very natterly &ncied that, finding his stomach a little out of
order, he'd started off home, and as I couldn't see him no where about,
why, I natterly &ncied so too ; but the next mominff just as I went
into No. 5, north, for a sample, who should I see, but this identical
indiwidual sitting in the sawdust with his head upon a pipe as com-
fortable as a biddy, and snoring away like a trooper. I woke him of
course, and he got up as fresh as a daisy ; but in order to avoid all row,
you see, I made him keep behind till a party came in, and he slipped
out with them without any body knowing a bit about the matter.
" I presume you don't drink much yourselves?" observed Valentine.
*' Why, that, you see, depends upon circumstances. The old hands
douH : the smell's enough for them ; but the new and worry green
uns are contini/y sucking like infrmto. It's a long time before sich
as them can be weaned. It was only the Saturday night before last,
that one of this sort got locked down. We didn't know a word about
the matter, and the vault wasn't of course going to be opened again
before Monday ; but he got pretty sober in me course of Sunday morn-
ing, and after having spent a few happy hours at the grating, he gave a
wiew holler to one of the outside watchmen, who sent for Uie key, and
got him out very quietly. But it cured him. I don't believe he has had
so much as a suck since then."
*' Well, come," said Broadsides, ^* now I am here, let's see how my
extra-particular get's on."
This happenea to be under the opposite arch, and while the cooper
was in it with Broadsides, Valentine, who was looking very intently
at some cobwebs, perceived a tall dark figure march past him in a
manner which struck him as being extremely mysterious. He was
angry, very angry with himself for being startled, although he couldn't
help it ; and after having reproached himself severely in consequence, he
walked to the opposite arch. ^' A tall person passed just now," said
lie to the cooper. " Who was it ?"
'' One of the watchmen. They walk in and out in the dark to see
TALENTIME VOX. 201
ihat no indiwidual pajrs twice. There's lots on 'em about. You'll see
him again by'n bye."
" Very well," thought Valentine, " if I do, I'll startle Atm," and
while the cooper was oroaching the extra-particular, he looked round
4he vault with an anxious eye.
^^ Now then,'' said Broadsides, handing him a glass, '^ just tell me
now what you think of that"
Valentine tasted, and found it so splendid, that he almost uncon-
sciously finished the glass.
''That's something like, ain't it? That's what I call wine! It's
as sound as a nut. Ijet's have another glass," and another glass was
drawn, and while Broadsides was smeUing it, and shaking it, and
spilling it, and tasting it, and spurting it over the saw dust, and making
it go through all sorts of manoeuvres, the watchman passed aeain.
*' Hu$hr* cried Valentine throwing his voice among the ca&s, which
were near him. '' He's here !"
The watdiman stood perfectly still. He wonld scarcely allow him-
jself to breathe. He was a man who reflected upon the imaginary re-
hearsal of his actions an extremely cautious man, and liis name was
Job Scroggins. Instead therefore of rushing like a fool to the spot,
he, with admirable tact, held up his hand to enjoin silence, and tried
with great optical energy to pierce the extremely dense gloom of the
vault. This he found to be impracticable. All was dark, pitch-dark,
in the direction from which the voice appeared to proceed. Nothing
oonld be distinguished. Twenty men might have been drinking there
onpeiceived. Scroggins therefore having formed his plan of attack,
said in a delicate whisper to the cooper, '' If you stand here, we
ahall nab 'em," and crept very stealthily round to the opposite side of
the aich.
Now this was precisely what Valentme wanted. He wished but to
excite the suspicion of the watchman that persons were having a clan-
destine treaty to enable him to keep up the game. Job Scroggins bad
therefore no sooner got round than Valentine sent a fiunt whisper very
near him, the purport of which was tiiat Harry was a fool not to get
behind the casks.
'' HaUo /" shouted Scroggins in a voice of thunder, on hearing the
&int expression of that affectionate sentiment.
*' Oet behind ! get behind 1" cried Valentine, '' we shall be caught !"
" Hallo !" again shouted Job Scroggins with all the energy at fais
command. '' What ate you about there ? D'ye hear !"
'' Hush !" said Valentine, '' hush I not a word.''
'' I hear you, my rum 'uns ! Come out of tiiat, will you I Here
Jones 1"
^ Hallo !" shouted Jones. '' What d'ye want V
''Come here!" cried Scrogsins. "Here, quick! No. 9! Well
nab you, my lushingtois I Wil find you out !" and he tore away a
stout piece of scan&ng, while Broadsides handed the glass of wine to
Valentiiie, and tucked up his sleeves to assist in the caption.
" Now then," cried Jones, who had been engaged in the fortification
202 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
of two pipes of port, and whose nose glowed with ineflectiud Sse.
What's the row r
^' Here's a lot of fellows here," replied Scroggins, *^ swilling away at
the wine like devils."
^' Where ?*' cried the fiery-nosed cooper with extraoidinaiy fierce-
Bess.
** Here I" shouted Scroggins. " Lights ! lights !"
" What's the matter ? Uallo !" cried two Toices in the distance.
^' Here ! Nine ! Lights ! lights I*' reiterated Scroggins, who ap
peared to he in a dreadful state of excitement just then.
*^ All safe now. Lie still,'' said Valentine throwing his voice he-
hmd a lot of quarter casks which stood to the left of Job Scroggins.
^' Ah, ycu'io safe enough !" exclaimed Job, in a tone of bitter irony.
^' Pray don'u alann your blessed selves ! you're quite safe to be
nabbed in loss than no time. Now then there, look alive now, quick !"
he continued, as two additional coopers approached the spot with lights.
'* If you get away now, my fine fellows, why, may I be blowed. There,
you go behind there, and you stand here, and you keep a sharp look
out there. Now then, if they escape, we'll forgive 'em !"
Having stationed the coopers with lamps in their hands at various
ports of toe arch. Job Scroggins stole gently between two distinct rows
of pipes, and Valentine, wishmg to renckr all the assistance in his power,
preceded him. Just, however, as he had reached the darkest part of
the arch, he cried, in an assumed voice of course, ^' Let's drown him/'
and threw the glass of vrine he held in his hand over his head so dex-
terously, that the whole of it went into the fiice of Mr. Scroggins,
who was looking about behind in a state of anxiety the most intense.
''Here they are! Here are the thieves!" shouted Scroggins,
wiping his wine- washed face with the sleeve of his coat. '' Look out
there ! look out !" and he rushed past Valentine with great indigna-
tion, and peered with considerable fierceness of aspect into every cavity
sufficiently large to admit the tail of a consumptive rat.
''Hush!" cried Valentine, sending his voice right a-head; and
away went Soroggins to the spot from which the whisper appeared to
proceed, while the coopers were looking about vrith great eagemessi
expecting every moment to see the thieves rise.
" Quiet, Harry ! quiet ! They'U catch us," whispered Valentine.
" Catch you !" cried Scroggins, " to be sure we shall 1" And he poked
his stick with infinite violencebetween the casks, and rattled it about vrith
consummate desperation, and looked /-^as the lamp was beneath his
wine-stained face, it imparted so ghastly a hue to his featmes, that
really he looked like a fiend.
" Ha ! ha ! ha! ha !" cried Valentine, merrily sending his voice ri^t
under the arch adjoining.
Away went Job Scroggins backed up by the coopers, who atmck
their ihins cleverly against the comer casks, and stumbled cvvr tlie
scaatling, one after the other with infinite presence of mind.
" Away, away !" shouted Valentine, throwing his voice towards the
wpoi they had just left; and Job Scroggins rushed baok with the
VALENTINE TOX. 203
coopers at his tail, of whom tbe whole were inspired with the spirit of
vengeance.
^' Stand there ! *' shouted Scroggins ; " they mnst pass that way !''
and he poked his thick stick between the casks again desperately, and
flourished it about with unparalleled zeal.
^' It's all up with uSy Harry : we're blocked right in," whispered
Valentine despairingly. ** Forgive us !" he added m a different voice,
as if Harry had tesMy become very much alarmed '* Forgive us !
we'll do so no more : have mercy ! "
Mercy / If there be in tbe English language one word which tends
more than another to soften a truly British heart, that word is beyond
question, Mercy. There is magic in the sound of that soft soothing
word. A true EngUshnnans sympathies swell when it is breathed, and
his anger is strangled by that string of benevolence, which he winds with
pride round his compassionate heart. Tears of blood, flow they never
so freely, are not more effectual in cutting the throat of vengeance,
than the magical sound of this beautiful word, for the moment it
strikes on the drum of the ear, the spirit of Ate is kicked from the
soul, and benevolence rises great, glorious and free in loveliness, even
surpassing itself. About this it is clear there can't be two opinions ;
and hence, none can marvel, that when the word reached the soft sen
sitive ear of the true-hearted Scroggins, he should have exclaimed with
all the fervour of which he was capable : ^* Mercy ! Mercy ? You
don't have a squeak I**
" Come out I '^ he continued ; '^ you guzzling vagabones ! ^mercy
indeed ! with a hook !"
" We have not drank a great deal," said Valentine imploringly. " We
haven't indeed. You shaU have it all back if you will but forgive us."
Scroggins smiled a sardonic smile.
^^ This is how the wine goes," said Mr. Broadsides.
*^ And then we get's bio wed up sky-high for the 'flciency,'' added
the fiery-nosed cooper.
^*' Now then ! are you coming out or not ? " shouted Scroggins.
Valentine sent forth a laugh of defiance, which caused the heaving
bosom of Scroggins to swell with the essence of wrath. He might
have been somewhat subdued by humility, although that was
not extremely probable then still he might by such means have been
softened ; but when he reflected on the monstrous idea of being defied!
he couldn't stand it ! he would't stand it ! He flew to the spot from
which the laugh had apparently proceeded, and struck the surrounding
tsasks with peculiar indignation.
*' Will yon come out or not," he exclaimed, *^ before I do you a mis-
chief?"
' No," shouted Valentine.
^' Then take the sconsequence," cried Scroggins, vrho looked at that
moment remarkably fierce. ^'Now then," he continued, addressing
tine coopers, ^' we'll give 'em no quarter : we'll have no more parley :
we'll drag 'em out now, neck and eels !"
Previously, however, to the effectual accoraplishmont of this ex-
I
204 LIPS AND ADYBNTURBS OF
tremely kudable object, it was obviously and absolutely neeeesary to
find them a remarkable fact, which struck Scroggins and the coopers
with such consummate force, that they set to worK at once, with the
iew of effecting this highly important preliminary, and displayed aa
amount of zeal, which really did them great credit.
*^ They're somewhere about here, I know,'* observed the fiery-nosed
cooper.
" Oh, we shall find 'em ! well have 'em ! " cried Scrqggina ; ** and
when we do catch 'em, they'll know it ! "
The hieMy sarcastic tone in which these words were uttered, was
clearly indicative of something very desperate ; and as the coopers, who
were beginning to get very impatient, were running round the arch
with unparallded energy, Yalentine, nnperceived, threw the glass he had
had in his hand upon a pOe of pipes under tiie gloomy arch opposite^
and immediately cried : " There's a fool I now we can't get another
drop."
^' Here they are !" shouted Scroggins, on hearing the crash. '* Now
then, boys ! hurrah ! we shall naiPem ! "
This soul-stirring speech put the coopers on theur mettle, and they
rushed towards the arch with unprecedented spirit; but before they
reached the spot in which the broken glass was lyings Yalentine who
did not exactly comprehend the precise meaning of the words : ^now
we'll nail 'em," albeit he fSemcied, that if poor unhappy persons had
really been there, they would have stood a fiiir chance of being mer*
eilessly hammered cried ^^Now let us start: we can get no more
wine! "
*' Stop there, you vagabones !" cried Scroggins, vebemently, thinking
to frighten tliem out of their wits. '' We are cocksure to catch you,
you know ! You may just as well give up at once !"
They had now reached the spot in which the glass lay smashed into a
really extraordinary number of little pieces. " Here we have hocklar
demonstration," he continued : " Here's where the vagabones was."
* Stoop doWn," whispered Yalmtine.
** Come oiUl" cried Scroffffins. " It's o' no use you know; we see
you!" An observation whi^, how laudable soever its object might
have been, involved a highly reprehensible fidsehood.
" Now then ! crawl gently," whispered Valentine." Come on !"
Scroggins leaped over the pipes in an instant, and looked round and
round with an expression of surprise.
Have you got 'em ?" enquind the fiery-nosed cooper.
" Got 'em !" echoed Scroggins, " I ony just wish I had, for thdr
sakes. I 'stablish a trifle or two in theur mem'ries to sarve 'em for
life. I'll warrant they wouldn't forget it a one while."
Valentine now sent a slight laugh so very near the legs of Mr. Scrog-
gins, that that gentleman spun round with the velocity of a cockchafer,
and felt very angry indeed with himself when he reflected that the
*^ Lushingtons" still were at large. ^ Where can they be crept to V be
cried, in amazement. ^^ They're not a yard from me, and yet why
where the "
VALBNTIMB VOX. 205
^' There's no room for two men to hide their bodies here,*' observed
the fiery-nosed cooper.
'^ They must be particular small," said Mr. Broadsides.
*' They must be particular active/* said Scroggins ; and Valentine sent
another laugh yery near him.
Job Scrogsins looked savage undoubtedly savage ! He shook his
red head with extreme desperation, and ground his ereat teeth vnth
maniacal zeal. ^' Where can they be hid ?*' he exchumed, vnth great
emphasis. ^' Blister 'em ! Where can the scoundrelB be got to ?"
tie paused for a reply, and fixed his eyes upon his companions, and
his companions fixed their eyes upon him, wmle Broadsides scratched
his head with his right hand, and rubbed his chin very mysteriously
with his left.
At thb interesting moment an intelligent cooper, who had thereto-
fore searched without uttering a syllable, ventured to offer a rational
suggestion, the purport of which was, that they certainly must be
somewhere.
^^ Somewhere !" cried Scroggins, very angrily : *' We know they must
be somewhere; but where is that somewhere? That's the grand
pint !"
The intelligent cooper, who offered this suggestion, was silent, for he
saw that Mr. Scroggins looked ready to eat him : and Scroggins was a big
man, and had an excessively carnivorous aspect. Silence was, there-
fore, a species of wisdom, which the litUe intelligent cooper displayed,
and the search was resumed with increased perseverance.
But Valentine himself now became somewhat puzzled. He scarcely
knew how to proceed. He was anxious to send the invirible ^' Lush-
ingtons" off with ecku, but the question was, how could he get them
away ? While, therefore, the watchman and the coopers were hunting
about in all directions, poking their sticks into every kind of cavity,
asking themselves all sorts of queer questions, and answering themselves
in all sorts of queer ways, he was quietly conceiving a design to cany
into immediate execution, with the view of thickemng the mystery in
which they were involved. He had not, however, to puzade himself
long, for, being blessed with an exceedingly vivid imagination, he had
but to give it rail swing for a time, and a host of ideas would dart across
his bram with about the velocity of lightning ; and, although it occa-
sionally happened that they rushed in so vrildly, and upset each other
so wantonly, and caused so much confusion, that he was really com-
pelled, in self-defence, to kick them all out together ; in this particular
instance they entered in the most orderly manner possible, and, after
playing at leap-frog clean down each other's throats, the most powerful
remained, having swallowed all the rest ; and that Valentine seized by
the coUar at once, with the view of making it perform that particnkr
office for which it had been created. This was, however, a desperate
idea, it being no other than that of introducing his voice into one of the
pipes of wine, in order to see how Job Scroggins and his companions
would act; but Valentine, resolved not to repudiate it in consequence of J
its desperate character, held it firmly, and just as the energetic Job,
206 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
after runnijig round Mid round with gtmi fieioenesa of aspect, and vow*
ing the most extraordinary species of vengeance, had paused to regain
a little breath, and to wipe the perspiration from his &ce, with the
cuff of his bob-tailed coat, he pitchjed his voice dexterously into an
extremely old cask and cried, ^^ Wasn't it lucky we found this one
empty, eh V*
Job Scroggins stared; and so did old Broadsides, and so did the
fiery-nosed cooper ; and they drew near the cask from which the sound
had apparently- proceeded, and hstened again with an expressioQ of
amazement.
^ Keep in the head,'' whispered Valentine, very audibly.
^^ They're here !" shouted Scroggins, snatching an adze ftom the
fiery-nosed cooper. ^^ Look out I now they're nailed !*' and without
a single moment's reflection, without considering whether the cask were
fiill or empty, without even giving the slightest notice to those who
were with him, he smashed in the head of the pipe, and the wine, of
course, rushed out in torrents.
^' You fool !" cried the fiery-nosed cooper, as the stream dadied the
lamps from their hands, and extinguished the lights.
** Help ! help !" shouted Scroggins.
^* Silence, you om / hold your tongue !" cried the fiery-nosed cooper.
" Hoist the cask up on end ! Now ! Stick to it ! Now ! All
together ! Hurrah !"
In an instant the thins w& accomplished, for Valentine, who was
really very sorry for what liad happened, put forth with the rest all the
strength at his command.
*^ Now, don't make a noise," said the fiery-nosed cooper; *^ get a
Ught from the lamp, there, quick I" And Scroggins, who was then
in a dreadfrd state dT mind, groped his way at once out of the arch,
while the rest were, of course, in total darkness, and up to their ankles
in wine. It was not, however, long before Scro^ins returned, and
when he did, the very first question asked was, ^' What cade is it t'*
^ All rieht : all right T said the fiery^nosed co^r, after having
examined it miimtely. *' It's one of them old una that's been here so
long."
*' What, one of them three I" cried his comrade. ^' Well, that's
werry lucky as &r as it goes. It '11 never be cleared. It was only
t'other day I was saying that I'd bet any money the wanants was
lost."
*' Come, that's most fortunate," thought Valentine.
'* But what are we to do ?" cried the greatly alarmed Scroggins.
** How are we to hide it? There's such a rare lot on it spOt !"
*' Now don't make no noise," said his fiery-nosed friend : '* 111 cooper
it up, and you get aU the sawdust you can, now be handy ! It's an
awful puddle, snrdiy ; but the sawdust 11 soon suck it up." And he
began to repair the cask, while the rest were engaged in sending saw-
diut together and mixing it up with the wine, and then throwing it,
when it became perfectly saturated, imder the scantling to dry.
By dint of great labour, for all, including Broadsides, who pufibd
^^Twllir^
'.A.'...r.AA/,..iM-:--
VALENTINE VOX. 207
away frightfully, assisted, in the space of twenty minutes the pool
became pretty well absorbed; and as the fiery-nosed cooper had by
that time completed his job, the pipe was carefally placed upon the
scantling again, and when more fresh sawdust had been strewn over the
spot, the place looked ao much as if nothing had happened, that it
might even then have been passed unnoticed.
" Well," cried Scroggins, *' it's well it isn't no worse ; but if I'd
ony ha' caught them ^re warmint, whoever they are, if I wouldn't
have sarved ^m out, blister 'em, blow me !"
" But did you ever hear of such a fool," observed the fiery-nosed
cooper, " to smash in the head of a pipe, when he knew we hadn't got
an empty cask in the place?"
" Why, you see," said Mr. Scroggins, in extenuation, " I did n't
then give it a thought. It was a maa go ; I know it, a werry mad
go; but, you see, I was so savage, that I didn't know rayly what I
did ; and I fancied I heercd the two wagabones inside."
" And so did I," said his fiery-nosed mend ; " but then I know'd it
couldn't be."
" They must ha' been lehind that 'ere pipe," continued Scroggins,
^* I'm sartain th^ must, and I ony just wish I'd ha' caught 'em, that's
all ; if I wouldn t ha' given 'em pepper ! may I never set eyes on my
babbies again !"
During this extremely interesting colloquy. Broadsides and Valentine
were industriously occupied in wiping their sticky hands and faces, and
making themselves sufficiently decent to pass without exciting special
notice. They found this, however, a difficult job, for the wine had
spurted over them freely ; but when they had carefully turned down
their collars, and buttoned their coats so closely up to their chins that
scarcely a particle of their deeply-stained shirts could bo perceived, it
was unanimously decided that they might venture.
" But you want to taste the other pipe of port, sir, don't you V* ob-
served the cooper.
** The stink of them lamps," replied Broadsides, " has spylt my
taste for a fortnit : besides, I don't care a bit about it ; I only came to
taste, what I wouldn't have at no price, them six pipes of pison."
The business being therefore at an end, the fiery-nosed cooper polish-
ed Valentine's boots with his apron, when Broadsides gave the men
half-a-crovni to drink his health, and he and Valentine, who gave
them half-a-BOvereign, were ushered very respectfully out of the vault,
and after passing the gates without exciting more than ordinary atten-
tion, got into a cab, and rode home.
208 LIFE AND ADVENTURBS OF
CHAPTER XXVII.
ALSNTDCE BECOMES ACQUAINTED WITH A FRIGHTFUL CALAMITT, AND
HAS A HEART-RENDING INTERVIEW ON THE SUBJECT WITH HORACE.
There is a remarkable bit of sublimity a powerful, pale, uniyezsal
reflector, which is sometimes above us, and sometimes below us, and
sometimes on a line precisely parallel with us a reflector of which the
composition is unknown, but which is ycleped by our sublunary philo-
sophers a moon. That this moon will be ever cut up into stars, may
rationally, notwithstanding the idea originated with our own immortal
Shakspeare, be doubted ; but there can oe no doubt that as it derives
its pale lustre from the sun, so mankind in the aggregate derive their
lus^ from money ; and albeit the connection between the moon and
money may not at a glance be perceived, except, indeed, by superficial
men of genius, and philosophers steeped to the very lips in learned mud,
that there is a connection between them will be acknowledged by all,
when they reflect upon the fact of the moon being silver by pre-
scription.
Now, money is said to be the devil ; and if it be, it is beyond all
dispute an extremely pleasant devil, and one of which men are so
ardently enamoured, that they absolutely worship it as if it were a god.
No matter of what material this money may be composed no matter
whether it consists of precious metals, precious stones, or precious little
bits of paper, for every convertible representative of money is equally
precious, its accumulation and distribution in reality constitute the
principal business of men's lives. Some despise it for a time ; they
never despise it long : they soon suffer for the indulgence in that bad
passion. Others will do anything, however dishonourable, to obtain it*
if a man has money, he's all right ; if he has none, he is all wrong. It
matters not what hermits and monks may say, if an honest man be poor,
his fellow-men despise him ; while a wealthy villain, in the world's esti-
mation, is a highly respectable member of society, and hence the penalty
on poverty is greater than that which is attached to any absolute crime.
Nor is this all, as the saying is ; nothing like all. It's astonishing the
spirit of independence tibe possession of money inspires, and equally
astonishing are the dejection and humility which the non-possession oif
it induces. If a man has no money, his mind is ill at ease ; he cannot
feel comfortable any how ^it amounts to an absolute physical impossi-
bility for him to hold up Jiis head like a man who has lots. He can't
do it ! It's of no use to physic him with philosophy I AU the philo-
sophy in the world is insufficient to cure his pecuniary disease. He
can't understand your philosophy then, and he won't understand. He
knows better. He knows that he has got no money I a spedes of
knowledge which affects alike body and souL And yet, notwithstand-
ing money is so valuable so precious, that its absence teems with
misery and humiliation; notwithstanding it is so dear, so highly
TALENTINU VOX. 209
prized when it is wanted, that we will risk even our lives to obtain it,
how thoughtlessly we waste it I how freely we squander it away, when
it is gained, as if its possession inspired the belief, that we should never
want another five-pound note so long as we had the ability to breathe !
Beyond all dispute for there cannot exist two opinions on the subject
^in this little matter a man is an ass.
Now, all this is very profound, but Valentine really knew nothing
about it. He only knew this, that in a pecuniary sense he was getting
remarkably short, and that it became absolutely necessary to write to
Uncle John for a fresh supply. A blessed position for a man to be
placed in is that, in which he has but to say, '' I want so much,*' and
80 much is sent, as a matter of course. Tiiis was precisely the position
of Valentine ; but before he wrote home, he was anxious to see the
Goodmans, in order to ascertain if they could, or would, give him any
irther information with respect to his benevolent old friend.
Accordingly, on the morning of the day on which he intended to
write to Uncle John, he set off for the residence of Walter, and was
certainly somewhat startled on being unable to discover the house in
which he had lived. On arriving at the spot where the house had stood, he
could see but the foundation, and a few burnt beams ; but on making
enquiries at a shop in the vicinity, he not only ascertained what had
happened from a person who gave him a really heart-rending account
of the occurrence, but was informed that Walter and his family were at
that time lodging in a house directly opposite. Thither of course he
immediately went, and having sent up his card, paced the parlour into
which he had been shown with considerable anxiety ; for, possessing a
heart in which the kindliest feelings of our nature had been implanted,
he deeply sympathised with those of whose dreadful sufferings so fright-
ful a picture had been drawn. He had not, however, dwelt upon the
calamity long, when a person dashed into the room, and exclaimed,
*' Hallo, my young trump ! don't you know me V
Valentine in a moment knew the voice to be that of Horace ; but
his person he certainly would not have known. *' Good God !" said he,
grasping his hand, ^' is it possible ?"
'^ It just is," cried Horace, *' and no mistake about it. Don*t I look
a beauty, eh ? Did you ever see such a Guy ? But thank Heaven for all
things," he continued, pulling off a large wig, and displaying his head,
the black skin of which had just began to peel. '' It's a comfort no
doubt, if you can but just look at the thing in the right light."
^ And how is your father?" enquired Valentine.
*' Why," replied Horace with great solemnity of aspect, '* he's as
much like a jolly old cinder as possible. He's frizzled all up into one
lump of coke. I'm rummy enough, but lor! he*s out and out!
There's no mistake at all about him."
But he's out of all danger, I hope ?"
Oh I yes ; he's getting on like a brick. I thought he was booked
though at one time, for of all the unhappy looking bits of black crack-
ling ! did you ever happen to see a smoked pig ? Because if you
ever did, you have seen something like him. You wouldn't believe liim
E E
210 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
to be flesh and blood. You wouldn't know him in hct from a jollj
old piece of burnt cork. lie stood it, however, throughout, like a
trump, and I'll back him after this against an7 regulu sahimander
going."
*' And the ladies, how are they V*
" Why, they're only tolloUsh. You know what women are. They
don't like the look of the governor at all, and certainly he don't look
particularly fresh."
*^ Well," said Valentine, rising, ^' I'm really very sorry for what has
occurred, and if you think that I can be of service to you in any way,
I hope you will command me. I'll not detain you now."
' I wish yon would, old boy," said Horace, with much earnestness.
" You'd be doing me a very great favour. The fact is, our out-and-
out old fool of a doctor won't let me have more than one glass of wine
a day, which of course is particularly rotten, more especially now I'm
getting all right again. But the old fool won't listen to reason ; nor
will the two women, who are of course on his side, and who keep the
blessed wine locked up, just as if body and soul oould be kept on
decent terms with each other, by that nasty lush which he expects me
to swallow by the pailful. Upon my soul, that little wretch of a boy,
to whom he gives about two pence a month to carry out all his poison,
is everlastin^y at the door with his basket Jidl of some infemai tinc-
ture of filth. I've kicked him right bang into the road three times ;
but he still comes, and comes. I U half murder him some day."
'' But of course it does you good V
*'^ Is it rational to suppose it ? Is it any thing like rational to enter-
tain the idea, that such hog- wash as that can do any fellow good? It's
the nastiest muck that ever was concocted to disorder the bowels of
a Christian. Do you happen to know what asafcstida is ? Because, if
you do, you know what sort of physic I swill, for they shove a lot of
that into every blessed bottle. I'm certain it's that : there can be no
mistake, I should know it a mile off; that, and the stuff they seU to
poison the bugs, constitute ^ the mixture as before," and an eztremdy
pleasant mixture it is, if you can but get it down. Now, I want yon,
therefore, to do me this kindness; if you'll stop if it be only for a
quarter of an hour, I shall take it as an especial mark of friendship,
for I can gammon them out of some wine for you, and that's the only
way in which I can see my way clear to ffet a glass for myself; for of
course I can't stir out of the house with this jolly old smoke-dried
countenance, tattooed and scored like the nob of a Chocktaw Chief.
It's worse, ten to one worse, than having the small-pox. The measles
are a fool to it ; and as for the itch ! ^there, you may believe me or
not, as you like, but if all the infernal tribes of wasps, bugs, musqui-
toes, fleas, and every other kind of vennin in nature were marching
about me in everlasting legions, they couldn't produce an itch like it.
I'll defy them to do it ! and yet thai old donkey that scours me out,
has the face to tell me that I ought not to scratch it ! I'm regularly
drowned about seven times a day, in what hs christens lotion ^the
nastiest, greasiest, slipperiest muck that ever made a tom-cat sick. It
/
-,jM.,/
YALBNTINE VOX. 211
does me no good ; it only makes me itch more, as I tell the old fool,
who however takes no sort of notice at all of what / say, as if I didn't
know about my own feelings best! If I seriously expostulate with
him, he only laughs and directs them to 'rub it in ; rub it in ! Oh !
never mind ; rub it in!' And they do rub it in like devils. 'But don't
ffo just yet, there's a trump,' he added, and rushed from the room quite
ddighted with the idea of having an additional elass of wine."
^' What an extraordinary creature !'* thought Valentine on being
left akne. ^* How dreadfully he must suffer ; and yet how his spirits
sustain him. Most men, if in his present state, wotdd be lying in bed,
increasing by dwelling upon their agony, and groaning as if groans alone
were capable of effecting a cure."
^'AU right! all right!" cried Horace, bouncing into the room,
^ I've done the trick. I've gammoned them both, that youVe been
walking a veiy long distance, and feel most particularly faint. So
it's to come down directly. They wouldn't trust me with it, though ;
I suppose they &ncied that I should walk into the decanter on the
stairs. But no matter -^come in! Now I look upon this as very
friendly."
The servant at this moment entered with the wine; and Horace
observed that there was no mistake about her.
'' If you please, sir," said the girl, addressing Valentine, '' Missises.
compHments, and she'd take it as a particular favour, if you wouldn't
allow Mr. Horace to have more than half a glass."
** Why, you out-and-out, know nothing, wretch I what d'ye mean?"
cried Horace. ^ Is this your gratitude? Didn't I cany you over the'
^es ? Be off! I hate the sight of you !" and he pulled off his wig
and threw it at her with great energy, as she darted like lightning
from the. room. '^ You see V he continued, as he picked up his wig,
*^ this is just the way they serve mo day after day. If I hadn't the.
temper of an angel, they'd drive me into fits. But come ! May we
never wani nothmff."
Having earnestly delivered this beautiful sentiment, and emptied
his ^ass, he smacked his lips with reaHy infinite gusto, and replenished.
^^ Bring me a bottle of wine, there's a trump !" said he. ^' Do^ if
you have any Aarity in you. You haven't an idea what a favour I
should esteem it. It's the handsomest present you could possibly make
me. Yon eould call to-morrow, you know, and bring it snugly in
your pocket. But don't let them see it ; if you do, Fm done. It
would be to me the highest treat in nature. Success to you, old boy 1"
he continued, again emptying his glass. *^ You don't know how happy
I am to see you !"
'^Well, now," said Valentine, ''how did this dreadful calamity
occur ?"
*' Why, you see," replied Horace, " the old governor was a little
bit thick in the dear, and they fancied that somebody ought to sit up
with him. Of course, I saw in a twinkling, who that somebody must
be; I knew that being a pleasant job, I was to have it ; and I wasn't
at all out of my reckoning. I did have it, naturally ; I had it for three
212 LIFE AND ADTENTUR&S OF
blessed nights, and as I went to bed immediately after bieak&st, I
snoozed very soundly till supper time came. Well, yon see, on the
third night the governor was unbearable, for what must he do but take
it into his jolly old sconce, that Uncle Grim was in the room ! It's a
&ct, upon my soul ! He would have it that he was standing at the
foot of the bed, and nothing could drive it out of him. I tried all I
knew to swindle the old ass into the belief that I had pitched him neck
and crop out of the window ; but no ; he wouldn't have it ; he fancied
he saw him there still; and after cutting away like a jolly old lunatic
for two or three hours, he dropped off, as I thought to sleep. Well I
as soon I saw his eyes closed right and tight, I left the room to get a
cup of hot coffee, which 1 knew was all regular in the kitchen, and I
9uppo96 that as soon as my blessed back was turned, the old ass jumped
out and set fire to the bed-clothes, for on running up again, which I
did like a wheelbarrow, I found the room in flames, and him laughing
like a fool fit to split. I called to him again and again, but he took
no notice; I put it to him whether he didn't think he was a donkey,
but he made no reply, I couldn't drag him out ; I couldn't get at him ;
I couldn't even get into the room, and it was not until the whole house
was one flake of fire, and he was as black as an old tin pot, that I was
able, by smashing in the panel of the wainscot, to lug him into the passage,
and thence out of the house. I ran up again after that, to lay my fist
upon a little lot of documents ; but lor ! the room was full of blazes,
and to add to the comfort of my position, I wish I may die, if the
jolly old stairs didn't fall the very moment I wished to descend. Well,
up to the attic I flew, and out upon the tiles I bounced like a baU. It
was there, that I met with that girl whom you saw - who cer-
tainly did startle me a little above a bit and there we were
forced to remain, till one of the firemen who was a trump every
inch of him came to our assistance. Well ! having caught hold
of the girl, with about the same coolness, as if there 1^ been
nothing the matter, he cocked me into a sort of a long cotton stocking,
and down I slipped gradually from the parapet to the ground.
But the friction! Oh! don't mention it! My skin was like the
crackling of a roast leg of pork over done; and as for my poor old tog-
gery I the fire had made it so particularly rotten, that I came out as
naked as a new-bom devil. I didn't, however, feel much more then ;
but in the morning, when the excitement had gone a little off, perhaps
I didn't ! Talk of Fox*s Book of Martyrs ! fu bet ten to one there
wasn't a martyr among them that suffered a tithe of what I did. It
made me so savage ! But don't let us talk any more about it. Every
evil is pregnant with good : the ofispring of this, is the fact of its being
over, and that is an absolute blessing."
Valentine listened to all this with the utmost attention ; but that
which struck him with greater force than all the rest, was the &ct of
Walter having endeavoured to bum the apparition of his brother out of
the room. **What could possibly have induced him," thought he^
to have recourse to such an expedient? One would have tnought
that the notion of his brother being present, instead of exciting angiy
TALBNTINB TOX. 213
feelings, would have been calculated to comfort and console him But
every thin^ tends to confirm my belief of bis bemg the victim of some
foul play.
There was a pause ; but it was not of long duration, for Horace
again replenished his glass, and gave as a toast : '' the knock-kneed
qnaker."
"Have you seen or heard any thing of your unde?" enquired
Valentine with considerable earnestness.
Horace looked at him intently, as if he vdshed to read the motive
which prompted the question, and then answered, " No, I can't say
that I have ; I believe that he is all right somewhere, but where I
don't know, .nor does any one else but the governor/'
" Then," thought Valentine, *' when the governor is convalescent,
since his imagination is so susceptible of apparently supernatural influ-
**6S, 1*11 wring the secret from him by apparently supernatural
means."
** What, are you off I" cried Horace as Valentine rose.
" I have letters to write, which will take me some time."
" Well, if you must go, you know, why you must : but mind, don't
forget me, there's a charitable soul. You've no idmt what a relief this
glass or two of wine has been to me to-day. If you can't bring a
bottle, you know, bring a pint. That thief of a doctor, I know, wants
to rattle my life out, with his nasty messes; therefore, don't foiget
to bring me some, there's a good fellow."
Valentine promised that he would not, and after wishing him well
over it, and. requesting to be remembered up-stairs, he left the house,
with the view of writing forthwith to Uncle John.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
THB MASinERADE AT VAUXHALL.
Moralists declaim against masquerades ; they contend that they are
things which ought not to be countenanced ; they will not hear a sylla-
ble advanced in their favour, although it is manifest that they who de-
nounce them, are extremely inconsistent, if they fail to denounce the
whole world, inasmuch, as the world is one grand masquerade, and all
who live in it are maskers : from the king to the mendicant, all are
masked, and their actions form neither more nor less than one grand
social system of mummery. Deception is the primary object of all,
and there is nothing they seek to disguise more than that. What man
can tell what another man is ? He may guess ; he may make up his
mind that he is this or that ; but he is able to discover his true charac-
ter no more, than he is able to discover the seat of the soul ; for while
each assumes a character he wishes to sustain, all strive to appear to be
that which they are not.
214 LIFB AND ADYENTUSBS OF
Masquerades are therefore the types of the world, aod are, with the
world to be applauded or cenfiured equally. Each is a miniature wNcld
of itself, in which goodness, vice, foUy, and knavery mix with the most
absolute indiscrimination, and whether our view be oom|niriienBive or
limited, we see that the object of all is disffuise.
Ind^endently. however, of this high consideration, masqnendeB an
an exceedingly pleasant species of entertainment, and the only wonder
is, that in private life they are not to greater extent upheld. When
men say, that vice invariably attends them, they say but that which
is appUcable to all entertainments ; but if they be properiy conducted,
a more really delightful kind of amusement can scarcely be conceived.
Now Valentine had lieard much about masquerades, but of course, as
they are confined to the metropolis, he had never been at one. Having
an anxious desire, however, to witness the scene, he embraced an oppor-
tunity which a '' carnival" at Yauxhall afforded, and having purchased
on the evening appointed a ticket, and a very extraordinary nose, v^ch
he placed in his hat, thai it might not be spoiled, started off in high
spirits alone.
It ras a beautiful evening, and as the moon shone bririitly and the
air was refreshing, he made up his mind to walk at leastlialf the dis-
tance ; but he had not proceeded far, before his attention was attracted
towards a really maenificent-lookinff creature, in a splendid Giecian
dress, who was holdmg a conversation with a dirty-looking cabman.
Valentine thought the association odd, but as he heard, in repLy to the cab-
man's remark, ^' It's a hateenpenny toe" ^the Grecian beauty say, ^' I
have but a shilling,'' the mystery was solved in a moment.
'^ I can lend you some nlver," said Valentine, ^' how modi do you
want?"
^ I feel obliged," said the Grecian beauty, who seemed greatly con-
fused, *' I want but sixpence."
Valentine placed half-a- crown in her hand, and walked on until he
came to the coach-stand, at Kennington Cross, when fancying he had
walked for enough, he jumped into a cab, and was whirled to Vauxhall
in the space of five minutes.
There was a crowd round the entrance, consisting of about a thousand
persons, who had assembled for the purpose of catching a glance of the
maskers ; and as Valentine had seen at the bottom of the bills, an an-
nouncement to the effect, that no person would be admitted without a
mask, he fancied it proper to put on his nose before he alighted from
the cab.
^' Oh ! oh ! there's a conk ! there's a smeller ! Oh ! oh !" exolainiied
about fifty voices in chorus.
Valentine felt flattered by these notes of admiration, and having
bowed to the crowd passed in.
Now when their Royal Highnesses Rieza Koolee Meerza, Najaf
Koolee Meerza, and Saymoor Meerza, of Persia, were in London, they
wont to Vauxhall on an ordinary night, and this is their description ^
the place and its glories : ^' In the evening we visited a laige garden,
beautifuUy lighted up, and the fireworks we saw here made us forget aO
TALBNTTNB TOX 215
others that we had already seen. A garden, a heaven ; large, adorned
with roeee of different colours in every direction, the water was running
on the beautiful green, pictures were drawn on every walL Here and
there were young moonly-faces selling refreshments. There were burn-
ing in this pla^ about two millions of lights, each giving a different
eoTour ; the lanterns and lights are so arranged as to make poetry, in
such a manner that they have no end. On every side tliere appeared
the moon and the son, with the planets, each moving in its orbit ; and
in every, there were about 10,000 Frank moons, vmking and gazing
about, where the roses and their tribes were admiring their beautiful
cheeks. Each was taken by the hand; such a company in such a
place says to the soul, ' Behold thy paradise !' "
Now, however absurd this description may seem however ridiculous
it may in reality be, it portra}^ the feelings with which Valentine was
inspired, when the brilliant scene opened before him. He felt absolutely
enchanted, and gazed upon the spectacle in a state of amazement the
most intense. He beheld the apparently interminable festoons of varie-
gated lamps, and heard the merry shouts, and the martial music in the
distance. His whole soul was inspired, and he felt that peculiarly
thrilling sensation which modem philosophers so beautifully describe,
when they say of a mortal, that *' he don^t know exactly whether he is
standing on his liead or his heels.*' He pulled off* his nose, but that
made no diffisrenoe: he was still completely lost in admiration; and
when he did at length manage to find himself again, he saw around him
groups of gaily diessed creatures, who appeared to have come from all
quarters of the globe, with the view of imparting life and spirit to the
soeneu Greeks^ (Germans, Chinese, Russians, Dutchmen, Turks, Per-
sians, Italians, apes, bears, sylphs, w^ Indians, and devik, were the
most distinguished foreigners present; while the most distinguished
natives were, beadles, downs, pantaloons, sotctiers, sailors, sweeps, jug-
glers, barristers, knights, jockeys, beef*eater8, firem^i, nuns, footmen^
widows, harlequins, ballad-singers, romps, and old maids. The Persian
prinees saw the ^ ftiU-moons" in petticoats only ; but Valentine beheld
a great variety of them in trowsers, and after having reviewed them for
some considerable time, his astonishment somewhat subsided; he began
to feel himedf again, and replaced his nose, and having got into the
middle of a stream of mortals and immortals, who were following the
sound of a beli, he soon found himself within a really elegant little
theatre, in which a poor man was mouthing what were termed ** imi-
tations" of some of Uie most popular actors of the day.
Valentine listened to the commencement of this pitiful business with
an expression of contempt. He felt it to be a drnidful waste of time
which ought not, on sudi an occasion, to be tolerated ; and, therefore,
throwing his voice just behind the poor creature, said solemnly in the
notorious jumping wobble of the particular actor whom the man was
pretending to imitate, '^ Sir-r-r, do you-er expect me to endure* er this
IBSUlt?"
The fellow turned round veiy sharply in the full expectation of sedng
his prototype behind him ; and although he was in this little particalM
210 tlFE AND ADTENTURE8 OF
disappointedy the confusion into 'which the idea of his beine there had
thrown him, made him look so exceedingly droll, that the audience began
to laugh very naturally and very merrily.
** Enough ! enough !" shouted Valentine, and the shout had at least
a hundred echoes, which had the effect of confusing the poor man still
more ; and although he tried desperately hard to recover his self-pos-
session, every faithful imitation he attempted drew forth such ludicrous
expressions of ridicule, that he eventually shuffled off the stage with a
look of scorn which was highly theatrical, appropriate, and telling.
The audience, however, remained to see some other dreadful business
fact which Valentine held to be, under the circumstances, monstrous.
He therefore rushed from the theatre with the laudable view of hunting
up the individual who had the management of the bell, and having
happily found him with the instrument under his arm, he made up his
mind to get hold of it somehow.
*' Welly old fellow," said he, sitting down in one of the boxes, *' Do
you ever drink brandy-and- water?"
^' Always, sir, when I can get it," replied the witty bellman.
*^ Well,'' said Valentine, tburowing down a shilling, ^^ then run and
get a glass and bring it hot."
Tlie unsuspecting mdividual placed his bell upon the table, and trotted
off at once with an expression of pleasure the most profound, virhich
happened to be precisely what Valentine wanted ; for he immediately
laid hold of the noisy instrument in question, and taking it with him
into one of the dark walks near the back of the Uieatre, com-
menced ringing away with unparaUeled fury. This suited his
views to a hair. The efiect was instantaneous throughout the
gardens: all were in motion a living stream issued from the
Uieatre in fact, from all quarters the rush towards the spot in
which he rang the bell so furiously was sufficiently tremendous
to realize his fondest anticipations. He beheld with delight the
mighty torrent coming towards him in the full expectation of seeing
something very grand; but as tliey approached, he slipped away through
the shrubbery which led to another walk equally dark, where, hold-
ing the bell in both hands, he began to ring again with all the energy
in tiiB nature. Back went the crowd, thinking naturally enough that
they had taken the wrong direction, and as Valentine kept ringing as
if he wished to raise the dead, their curiosity vnis excited to an ex-
traordinary pitch, and they increased their speed in proportion. The
stream turned the comer ; and down the walk it rushed, when Valen-
tine perceiving a somewhat short cut into the middle of the gardens,
vraUced very deliberately in that direction, deriving at the same time
considerable amusement from the fact of the people still rushing down
the walk, of course wondering what on earth was to be seen. By the
time this particular walk became full, he had reached the open space in
the centre of the gardens, and having jumped upon one of the tables
which stood just oehind the grand orchestra, he recommenced ringing
as furiously as before. The crowd for a moment hesitated, as if tbey
reaQy doubted the evidence of thor own ears; but having satisfied
VALBNTINB VOX- 217
theanaelTes m to the qiMrtex firom which the sound of the bell pro-
ceeded, they rushed hack at once, and there ValentiDe stood, still
linging away with all the foree at his command. He did not attempt
to move an inch firom the spoti nor did he mean to move until he bad
drawn them all round him, which he had no sooner accomplished,
than, perceiving the hoax, they simultaneously burst into one roar of
laughter.
Determined to keep up the spirit of the thing, he now began to
issue a formal proclamation ; but the crowd were so convulsed, and
made so deafening a noi6% that hia own voice was drowned in the
general clamour.
^' Hurrali ! now my lads I" shouted the leader of a press-gang
^' Now, then 1 bear a hand 1" and a dooten stout fellows, whom he led,
nused the table upon which the Herald Valentine was standing,
with the praiseworthy intention of bearing him in triumph round the
gardens.
Any thing but that would have met his views precisely; but it
did so happen that he had been borne in triumph before ! the equal-
riffhtites had borne him in triumph round Clerkenwell Green a fact of
which he had so lively a recollection, that, he seized the very earliest
opportunity of le|kping from the table, when, puUing off his nose, that
he might not be recognised, he mixed with the crowd, who seemed
to enjoy the thing exceedingly.
His first object now was to restore the bell to the individual who
had the really legitimate management thereof^ and having accomplished
this to the entire satisfaction of that individual, he proceeded very
leisurely towards the spot in which Neptune was represented sitting
majestically in his shell drawn by fiery looking steeds, out of whose
extended nostrils issued streams of living water. This group looked
extremely picturesque, and while it was being admired by Valentine,
a little feUow dressed as a school boy vrith a hoop in his hand,
approached with a child who had a skipping rope tied round her
waist.
^^ That my little dear," said the school-boy, '^ is Neptune the god
of the sea," and the tones in which this information was conveyed,
had the effect of even startling Valentine, who thonght it a most ex-
traordinary voice to proceed uom a boy ; and yet ne was dressed in
every particular like a boy, and had on an exceedingly juvenile
^^It's very pretty, isn't itT observed the little girl. " But what
does it mean r' The school boy began to explain to her Neptune's
tiansfbrmationa and their object; but Valentine no sooner perceived
his design, than throwing his voice towards Neptune, he exclaimed,
** Wretch I Forbear !"
^ The boy trembled, and dropped his hoop, and thei^ fumbled about
his pockets, and eventually drew out a pair of gold spectacles ; but
the moment he lifted up his juvenile mask to put them on, the child
durieked and ran away, for he displayed the shrivelled face of a de-
crepit old man, who leaUy appeared to be an octogenarian.
F p
218 LIFE AND ADyfiNTURfiS OF
Valentine naturally felt disgusted, and drew a littie aside; wheiii
as he took no apparent notice of what had occurred, the hoy pulled
off his cap, and exhibited a little head perfectly hald, and haying
lifted his juvenile mask up higher in order to see through his spec-
tacles with greater distinctness, he examined the group with an ex-
pression of amazement.
^* Shame !'' cried Valentine, sending his voice in the same direction,
^' You wretched, wretched old man ! Are my actions fit to be ex-
plained to a child ?"
The '^ boy" trembled again violently, and while looking and shuf-
fling about in a state of great alarm, he placed his foot upon the edge
of the hoop that had fadlen, and as it rose on the instant it came m
contact with his shin with so much force that he absolutely groaned
with the pain it occasioned.
*'Away!" cried Valentine, through Neptune, ''Reform! ere it be
too late!*' and the ^^boy" hobbled away as fast as his feeble legs
could carry him towards a spot in which the lights were most bru-
liant. Here he got into one of the boxes to look at his old shin, and
while he was rubbing away with great energy, and cursing both Nep-
tune and the hoop very profoundly, Valentine entered the same box
and sat down unperceived.
'' Have you hurt yourself much, my little fellow ?*' said he at leneth.
*' Oh ! never mind, my man. It will soon be well ! Don't cry ! Let
me rub it with a little cold brandy-and-water. Here, waiter ! some
brandy-and- water, cold quick!"
The very moment, however, the '^ boy" became conscious of Valen-
tine's presence, he left off both rubbing and cursing, and limped with
considerable dexterity into the next box.
^^That poor little boy has hurt his leg,'* said Valentine, on the brandy-
and- water being produced. ^* Just see what you can do for him will
you V* and he and the waiter proceeded at once to the box in which the
Uttle boy was rubbing his shin, still in great apparent agony. ^' Here,
my little man," he continued, '^ let the waiter rub some of this in for
you, there's a good boy. I'm sure you must have injured yourself very
much.''
The good little boy left off rubbmg again, and having mutteted some*
thing which sounded very much like a naughty exclamation, he limped
across the gardens with his dear little hoop.
^ You'll excuse me. Sir," said the waiter, who had been labouring
Tery laudably to suppress a fit of laughter, '* but how worry green you
are, sir ! Why that little boy's a hold man !"
^ I know it," said Valentine, *^ I was anxious to make him ashamed
of himself, that was all."
^ Ah !" exclaimed the waiter, shaking his head very piously, '* you'd
never do that, sir ; he's too fiir gone. He's a lord, sir, and nothing can
shame him. He's always here after the worry little gals, and the leetl
they are, sir, the better he likes 'em."
As Valentine made no farther observation, the waiter of course left
him, and he continued in the box until the fireworks were announced,
TALSzrriNB vox. 219
when he pMoeeded at oaee to the gaUery, iu order to have an unmter-
rupted view.
*' Oh ! oh ! oh !" exchdmed at least a hundred voices, as the first
splendid rocket ascended with a roar ; but, albeit these ironical excla-
mations wefe perpetually uttered, they failed to divert the attention of
Valentine, who really thought the whole exhibition magnificent. Ho
had never witnessed any thing at all comparable in point of grandeur,
and hence the only thing which failed to delight him, was the fact of
the last device shooting itself away.
The very moment tne fireworks were over, there was a firesh impor-
tation of noise. A mob of sweeps, and a legion of recruits were intro-
duced, and the clamour they raised was decidedly terrific. The sweeps
bad appaieaUy been boiled for the occasion, and then very delicately
tinted with soot ; while the recruits were preceded by the ** mcny fife
and dmm," which had an effect so enlivening, that Valentine almost
unconsciously marched with them, imtil he came in front of a place
which was called the grand pavilion, and which commanded a view of
the greater portion of the gardens.
^^That's a delightful place to sit in," thought Valentine, ** I may as wcU
go up at once"; and accordingly into the pavilion he went, and found it
thronged with very droll-lookmg creatures, apparently full of life and
spirit*
Having seated himself in one of the boxes in front, so as to have
a full view of the scene, he again took off his really extraordinary nose
to look round him with more perfect freedom. Immediately beneath
him, some remarkable characters were having a quadrille, and this had
a very curious effect, inasmuch as all distinctions appeared to be
levelled. A dustman was dancing with a Persian princess ; a wild red
Indian with a nun; a learned juc^ge with a nut-brown gipsy; and a
sweep in his May-day habiliments with a sylph ; while the style in
which each of them moved, was so strikingly characteristic, that they
appeared to have studied to make the scene as grotesquely ludicrous as
possible.
*' Most potent, grave, and reverend signers," said a scraggy creature,
stalking into the pavilion, in the character of Othello, with a remarkably
short pipe in his mouth, ^* that I have ta'en away this old cock's
daughter ." He was about to proceed, but as he had placed his
heavy hand upon the head of a very fiery old gentleman, he received in
an instant a glass of champagne in his sooty countenance an insult
which the ^' vuiant Moor," put m his pipe, and stalked out with appro-
priate solemnity to smoke it.
^^ Wliat did you order, sir?" enquired one of the waiters addressing
Valentine.
^ Nothing : what have you to eat ?"
'^ Ham and chicken, sir, roast '*
*^ That will do: let me have it as soon as possible,'* said Valentino,
who in the excitement had altogether forgotten his stomacli, which now
began to hint at the fact of its being empty.
220 LIFB AKD AJOTBNTUIIES OF
He had scarcely, however, time to reflect upon this otttuinstaiioe,
hefore the dishes were placed before him, and having ordered some
wine, he commenced a very pleasing operation, to which the gay scene
imparted an additional zest.
As the place in which he sat was so conspicuous that those who
passed the pavilion could scarcely fail to see him, it was not long be-
fore he was recognised by the identical Qrecian beauty, whom he had
seen in conversation with the cabman, and who enteied the pavilion at
once
*^ I have to thank you,'' siud she, removing her mask, ^ for your
kindness to me this evening. It ia more than I could have expected
from a perfect stranger."
" Oh, the cab !" said Valentine, recollecting the circumstance, ** don't
name it. You have been here of course ever since T'
*^ I have," she replied, '' I have been looking in vain for a penon
whom I fully expected to see."
** You must feel veiy &int ?" observed Valentine, *' flit down and
have some supper."
" Fm extremely obliged, but I fear I shaU be intruding.'*
^^ Not at all ! not in the least ! sit down." And she did so, but with
evident timidity.
" There is,'' thought Valentine, ^^ in the midst of this scene at least
one heavy heart a neart probably susceptible of all the most amiable
feelings of our nature, yet blasted by the consciousness of guilt." And
he gazed with a feeling of pity upon the beautiful creature before him,
and as he gazed, he perceived the tears trickling down her chedES,
which she appeared to be most anxious to conceal.
Fancying that his steady look had somewhat embarrassed her, he
assumed an air of gaiety although he did not at that moment feel gay
^and began to direct her attention to the most grotesque creatures
that came within view. He could not, however, extort from her a
smile. She appeared to feel grateful, exceedingly grateful, for all the
attentions shown, but her features were as rigid as marble. She ate
but little, and was silent, except indeed when it became necessary for
her to answer the direct questions of Valentine.
'' You are not in good spirits this evening V* he observed, after having
for some considerable time tried to divert her.
^' I never am," she replied fiiiutly, *^ 1 have not been for many, Teiy
many dreadful months."
^* There was something irreostibly touching in the heart-broken
tones in which these words were uttered ; but as Valentine was anxious
not to increase the pain she evidentiy endured, he at once waived the
subject, and tried again to cheer her.
^'Is that the earl?" enquired a person who sat behind Valentine,
pointing to a small sallow consumptive- looking creature, who was
leaning against the side of the pavihon, as if he^ had not the power to
stand without support.
The Grecian beauty started, and appeared much oonfiiaed.
t
~^^^^^^
VAUDfTINB VOX. 221
Why do yon tcemble ?" enqnired YaleiltU^e.
'Tis he," she replied, ^^ he who has been the cause of all my af-
fliction.'' And the teats again qprang into her eyes, and she sobbed,
while endearomine to conceal them.
Valentine turned towards the earl, and looked at him with an eoqprea-*
sion of contempt.
^ But for him," continued ^ miserable girl, '* I should still haye
been virtnons stiil pure."
*^ Is it possible ?" said Yalestine, ^ that a wretdied-looking cre a iute
like that could have robbed you of virtue V
^ It was his tide,'' she replied, '' it was thai by wMch I was fiuei*-
nated not by bis person."
** But how came you first to know him ?' enquired Valentine.
^ Come, come, tell me all," and having at kng^ succeeded in somewhat
subduing her emotion, he prevaikd upon her to explain to ban, fanefly,
the circumstances out of which her affliction arose.
*^My poor father," said she, ''is a clergyman residing nearly a
hnndred miles froin London, and the dinnrace which I liave brought
upon him, afflicts me more, fiur more, than aS besides. By him, about six
months since, I was taken to our election bail. The earl was there ; I
danced with him ; he paid me marked attention throughout the even-
ing, and called the followinff day, and on becoming acquainted with
the uircamstances of my father, who bad then an exceedingly fimited
income, he exerted his influence in his fiivour, and the result was, my
father's preferment.- I was grateful we were all, of course, exceedinff^
grateful to him for this act of kindness, and he became a constant visi-
tor ; but his object although, alas ! it was not then peroeired' was
my ruin, and that he eventually accomplished. I eloped and came
with him to London, where he engaged a house for me, and was for a
few short weeks most attentive and kind, but after that his visits gra-
dually became less and less frequent, until at length he deserted me
entirely."
'' And is your &ther aware of your present position?"
'' He is not ; I have not dared to write to him.*'
^ Do you think that he would not receive you again, if you were to
explain to him how you are situated, and that you are anxious to re-
turn ?"
''I fear not: I much fear that he would not; but having heard that
the earl would be here to-night, I borrowed this dress, which is like one
he gave me, and came expressly in order to prevail upon him, if possi-
ble, to give me a sum sufficient to enable me to return to my poor dis-
graced mther, that I may throw myself in penitence at his feet, and on
my knees implore forgiveness."
*' Uow much do you require for that purpose ?" said Valentine, whom
the relation of these circumstances had touched most acutely.
'' I could manage it with even thirty shillings,'' she replied, '' even
that would enable me to return."
Valentine instantly drew out his purse. He had but two sove-
reigns and some silver. He gave her the two sovereigns, and urged her
222 THB Lira AND ADTBNTURBB OP
not to speak to the earl, bat to go home at once and prepaie for her
journey.
The poor giil appeared to be overwhehned with gratitude. She a
thousand times thanked him with eloquence and vrarmth, and having
blessed him and kissed his hand ferventlj, left the pavilion unseen by
the earl.
V.'' ^ 'ne now tried to shake off the feeling which the tale of this
beautiful girl had inspired. He replaced his nose, walked anun round
the gardens, went to look at the hermit, and astonished tne penons
who were standing around, by sending his voice into the moon-lit oell,
and making the old anchorite apparently repeat certain passages in
Byron's Cartair.
Still he felt somewhat duU, and returned tovrards the theatre, and
as he found that the maskers were dancing there merrily, he joined them
at once, and having engaged an active partner, in the sinulitude of a
little female midshipman, he became again one of the gayest of the
gay-
Having enjoyed himself exceedingly for about an hour here, his ears
were suddenly assailed by a series of extraordinary shrieks which ap
parently proceeded from the pavilion, and as several of the females
rushed in to inform their friends that ** Slashing Soph " was having
glorious set to with a broom girl, he ran with the stream which at once
issued forth, towards the spot.
In front of the pavilion a crowd had assembled : a ring was formed,
and the spectators stood a dozen deep. He could still hear the shrieks,
mixed with loud exclamations of "^ Cut away. Soph ! ^Pitch into her
broomy I* and so on, but could not obtain even a glimpse of the belli-
gerent powers.
*^ I will see who she is 1" shrieked a female in the centre.
'^ That voice 1* thought Valentine, ** that voice I" He instantly
elbowed his wvy through the crowd, and beheld in ^^ Slashing Soph " the
Grecian beauty !
He rushed to her at once and drew her back ; but she desperately re-
sisted every effort to hold her.
^^ Let me alone !" she exclaimed, " I can lick her ! HI murder her !
Let me alone !"
*^ Foolish sirl ! I will not !" cried Valentine firmly ; but he had no
sooner uttered the words, than she turned round and struck him in the
ice with considerable violeoce.
He indignantly relinquished his hold, and she no sooner found herself
free, than she sprang at the broom-girl, who was backed by a dustman,
and tore her cap and mask in an instant to tatters. The broom-girl, al-
though a much more formidable-looking person, stood no chance whatever
with ner, for she stood up firmly, and struck fiiirly out right and left,
like a man ; and while she did so, indulged in the most horrible lan-
guage that ever proceeded from human lips.
Valentine was so utterly disgusted, that he pressed at once out of the
ring, and on approaching a female in the character of a nun, he enquired
if she knew the Grecian beauty.
TALBNTINB TOX, 229
** Know her!*' ezcbdmed the nun, *' what, Slashing Soph ! ^who
don't ? Why I'ye known her ever since she wasn't higher than nx-
pen'orth of ha'pence. We were brought np t(M[ether only she hap-
pened to have a better education than me, ana that has made her the
most artful card that ever walked on two legs."
*^ But her parents are respectable, are they not V said Yalentine.
*' Her Ccither was, no doubt," replied the nun, '^ for her mother made
him pay pretty handsomely for her. Why, she's the daughter of old
mother Maxwell, don't yon know V*
Most certainly Valentine knew nothing of the sort: he knew,
well knew, that he had been duped, and that was all he did know
about the matter. ** But what was the cause of this battle?" he
enquired.
*^ Why, you see," replied the nun, ^* about an hour ago, Soph got
together a few of the eirls, and stood champagne all round, and then
brandy-and-water. She had just been playing modest, she said, to a
sensitive young fool, whom she wheedled out of a couple of sovereigns,
to enable her to return to her father, and she laughed so heartily as she
ezphuned to them how she did it, and drank so freely, that when she
had spent all she had, she became so quarrelsome as she always is
when she has been drinking that she pitched into the very first girl
she could lay hold of, who happened to be this poor Broomy, as
hannless a creature as ever lived."
^^ But he who gave her the money must have been a fool indeed 1"
observed Valentine, by no means expecting a reply very flattering to
himself.
^* Why, I don't know so much about that," said the nun, ^* When
she makes a dead set at a man, she never leaves him until she has ac-
complished her object. He is down to eveiy move on the board, who
is able to get over Soph."
At this moment another fight commenced. The dustman, who had
backed Uie broom-girl, becoming excessively indignant at what he con-
sidered an unwarrantable interference on the prt of an ape, thought
proper to strike that gentleman, who at once returned the blow with
full interest thereon, and at it they went with appropriate desperation.
The ape being by far the more active of the two, had decidedly the
4e8t of the battle, a fact which so enraged a very singular looking
Scotchman, that, determined to take his revenge out of some one, he
began to hammer away at a tall thin milita^ individual, who was
conversing with a lady in a Turkish dress, and this a sailor regarded
as so strikingly unfair, that he rushed upon the Scotchman, and beat
him most cruelly. This in return had the efect of arousing the pug-
nacity of many others, and in a short time the battle became genend.
Nor was it confined to this particular qot, for as a gentleman in the
character of Punch, while leaning over the front of the pavilion, had
amused himself by pouring a quantity of wine into the mouth of a
mask which its owner had raised expressly for the purpose of kissing a
flower-girl, the individual thus operated upon, was so indignant at
224 LIFB AlfD DTBNT0RS8 OF
the outn^ thai he rushed up at (moe with the laudable view of
defiberatefy pummelKng Punch iu the pavilion, which he did so
unmeicifuUy, that, as some cried *' shame ! and otlien, cried *^ hravo !"
two parties were immediately formed, and the fight became general
there.
From the pavilion, the battle ffxaduaUy spread over the gardens, and
a series of rumung fights were Kept up with great spirit. The peace-
ably disposed shneked with fear, and ran about in all directions with
desperate energy. Some sought refuge in the theatre, but even tiiat
soon became a gladiatorial arena, while others rushed into the bar, near
the entrance, and the rattling of punch bowls and glasses became
awful. Boxes were broken down, and benches were pulled up, trees
were shorn of their branches, and tables were smashed in short, every
thing which could be made available as a wei^MMi, was with the utmost
avidity seized by the more desperate, while at the extreme end of the
gardens, the more rational were engaged in the interesting occupation of
pulling down the variegated lamps, and pitching them dexterously at
each other, which had a very good efiect, inasmuch as each lamp con-
tained a quantity of oil, with which those whom they struck were pro-
fusely anointed, and contrasted very amusingly with the furious on-
slaught made by those, who appeared to feel that they were bound by
some just and eternal principle to do all the serious mischief in their
power.
Valentine wisely kept aloof from all this. He saw the combatants
dealing out desperate blows with the most perfect indiscrimination, and
had no disposition whatever to join them, for their weapons were
employed, in some instances, wiUi frightful efiect. The men were
shouting and swearing, while the women were screaming ; some were
struggling on the ground, while others were trampling over them ;
some were climbing into the pavilion, while others were leaping from
it upon the heads of those below ; in fiftct, they fought so fiercely, and
yelled with so much friry, that had a corresponding number of maniacs
been let loose, they could neither have made more noise, nor have
battled with more desperation.
The police did all in their power to quell the riot, but were incapable
of accomplishing much; their authority was utterly contemned, for
their numerical strength was but small. They did, however, eveni-
nally, by dint' of great exertions, succeed in getting hold of the Grecian
beauty, whom they dn^;ed out of the Gudens, vrith the view of
locking her up; when Valentine who by no means regretted this
Erooeeding, and who had seen quite enough of the madmen who were
attlin^, they knew not why nor with whom 4eft them, while they
were still very deqpemtdy at it, with just sufficisilt money in his purse
to carry him home, and no more.
TALENTINiS VOX. 225
CHAPTER XXIX.
IN VTHICH YALENTINB HAS THE PLEASURE OF MEETINa TWO PERSONS
IN WHOM HE TAKES GREAT INI
TO A WAX-WORK EXHIBITION.
IN WHOM HE TAKES GREAT INTEREST, AND WHOM HE ACCOMPANIES
" It is !" exclaimed Valentiney one calm delightful eveding, as be
turned into Grosyenor-square. ^^ It must be the dear, sweet girl whom
I rescued !" And this was unquestionably, under the circumstanoee,
an exceedingly natural exclamation ; for he at that moment met a most
elegant creature, whose glance, as she passed him, appeared to pierce
his soul.
He stopped on the instant; and breathed extremely hard. His blood
thrilled through his veins : he heard his heart beat yiolendy, and felt
altogether particularly odd.
'' I am sure," he continued, " quite sure ! and and- why what
an idiot I am !" and he began to be really very angry with himself for
entertaining a feeling so essentiaUy queer; still he had not the power to
shake it on. " Yaf ! Val 1'' he exclaimed, addressing himself in the
second person singular, ^* What, what are you about ? Do you mean
to remun standing here like a statue ?*' The person thus addsessed,
appeared to repucEate the idea ; for he instantly commenced an irregular
rush towards ihe object of his adcHratipn.
With what graceful dignity she moved ! with what elegant ease did
she hang on the arm of him who, as a natural matter of eourse, was
her &ther I Her air was, in the bright imagination of Valentine, that
of a sylph, or of an angel! there was poetry even in the folds of hes
train as it swept the ground clean at each fairy-like step.
He approached her ! and experienced that peculiar heart-sinkine sens-
ation in a greater degree than before. He passed ! and felt that he
had never m the whole course of his life walked so awkwardly. He
could scarcely walk at all ! and as for keeping on the same row of flags 1
that becam eat once an absolute impossibility. And then, where were
his hands ?^His right was sometimes in his breast; then it wandered
to the arm-hole of his waistcoat then up to his stock and then into
his coat pocket -- while his left was, if possible, more restless still. He
could not tell exactly how it was, but he had never found his hands
at all troublesome before. He drew off his gloves, and then drew them
on, and in doing so, split one of them clean across the back. Well,
then, that woulcm't do : he pulled it off again, and carried it in his
hand ; and after fid^tting forward in this most undignified fashion for
a very considerable distance, he made a dead set at some celestial body
which his vivid imagination had established in the heavens for that par-
ticular occasion, and stopped with the view of making a few profound
astronotnical observatiiMis thereon, until the beautiful creature came up.
This he held to be an admirable ruse^ and therefore looked and looked
and felt so droll ! She was a long time coming ! a very long time.
He must have shot a-head very fast ! He became quite impatient ^he
G o
220 LIFE AND ADTBNTURBB OF
ventured to look back ; and found to his horror that she had yanished !
Which house could thej have entered? It must have been one
of them ! Did they reside there ? It was then too late for them
to be making flying calls! Well! what wta to be done? Was
he to remain there tin midnight, or, to give a look up in the morning ?
He stood still, and turned the thing over in his mind, and eventuauy
arrived at the conclusion, that it would be, under the circumstances,
best for him to walk up and down for an hour or so then, when, if they
did not come out, the probability would be, that they did reside there,
in which case he would simply have to come every morning until he
saw her, which he argued must, in the natural course of things, be
very soon. The instant, however, he had arrived at this remarkable
conclusion, a most extraordinary idea struck him ! They miffht have
turned down the street he had just passed over ! They mi^t ! He
flew to the comer of that particular street^ and there they were walking
very leisurely in the distance.
'' Well of all the stupid idiots," thought he, *^ but no matter. I
pass them no more until I see them safefy housed/' And he followed
them straight ; and walked much more steadily, and felt himself very
considerably better. ^* And have I discovered you at last ?*' he ex-
claimed, as he viewed the graceful creature before him with a feeling
which amounted to ecstasy. His heart told him that he had ; and he
began to consider how he should act when he had succeeded in tracing
them home, and continued to be occupied with this important con-
sideration until he saw them step into a house, near which stood a long
line of public and private carriages. He hurried forward and reached
the spot. It was not a private house. *^ Some concert," thought he,
^ and I am not dressed. Well, have I not time to run home r* He
looked round for a cab ; but before he called one, he enquired of a
person who was standing at the entrance, what place it was.
*^ The Wax-work Euiibition, sir," replied that person.
** Excellent !" thought Valentine ; ** nothing could have been better ;"
and he passed through the hall and ascended the stairs, and having
given some money, he scarcely knew what, to a little old lady who sat
on the left, he proceeded at once into a fine lofty room, in which a
variety of Ufe-like figures were arranged in strikingly picturesque groups ;
while from the ceiung were suspended innumerable lamps, which im-
parted an additional lustre to the scene, which, on the whole, looked ex-
tremely imposing.
Without, however, giving more than a cursory glance at these figures,
he walked round the room, and, of course, soon found himself imme-
diately opposite the fair one, for a sight of whose beautiful features, he
had so long, and so ardently panted. Her veil was down ; and as she
held it in her hand, it was fluted, of course, treble, and it was, moreover,
one of those tiresome thick veils which ought not, in any christian
country, to be tolerated. He could not see her fiice. Her eyes he
could perceive, and they appeared to sparkle brilliantly, but that was
not enough : he wished to see her* entire foce, and that he could not do.
Well ! how was he to act? He looked at her fiither again and again,
cj Wn^^'^ a*^
4jv/^^;r ^vii///Ty !///..f-M/r ^.-^- /
YALBNTINE VOX. 22?
and he certainly appeared to be a different man ; but then, men will
look different under different circumstances, and be bad to consider tbat
when he saw him before, he had just been rescued from the muddiest
part of the Thames. His altered appearance was therefore held to be
no proof at all of his not being the same individual. But that was of
very little moment. The object of Valentine was to see the fine features
of her and his panting heart told him in language the most intelligible
that it was her of whom he was so deeply enamoured; yet those
features continued to be concealed by this villanous veil.
*^ Patience, Val, patience," he whispered to himself; ^* she may pre
senily raise it." And she might have done so ; but as he perceived no
symptoms of the fond hope involved in that act being realized, he
felt himself bound by every principle of love and manhood to have
recourse to some quiet manoeuvre. But what could he do ? He con-
sidered for a moment. An idea flashed across his brain. They were
examining every figure minutely : they would not suffsr one to escape
notice. Well, could he not himself represent a wax figure, and thereby
attract their especial attention ? It was then the only thing he could
think of: he determined to do it, and being thus determined, he placed
himself firmly by the side of a life-like representation of some diabolical
person at wluch he appeared to be looking most intently.
He had scarcely been standing in this position a moment when a
company of ladies drew near, and gazed upon him with an expression of
wonder. ^' Bless me," said one, " Did you ever see an3rthing so per-
fectly natural ?" '' Why it seems absolutely to breathe," said another.
** Well I declare," said a third, in a somewhat merry mood, ^' I don*t
know what they will bring things to next, but I suppose they will be
brought by and bye to such perfection that we shall be having for
husbands wax men, by mistake."
Valentine felt that it would do, and therefore kept his position, while
the ladies were first looking about him to see if he were ticketed, and
then referring to their catah)gues respectively, in order to ascertain what
distinguished individual he could be ; but as he soon became anxious
for them to depart, he turned his eyes full upon them, when they shrank
back almost as much alarmed as if he had absolutely risen from the
tomb. He could not avoid smiling at the astonishment displayed, and
as the smile had the effect of destroying the illusion, the amassed ones,
after indulging in a few highly appropriate exclamations of surprise,
,iotto voce, passed on. The very moment they had left him he perceived
the approach of her whose attention he was anxious to attract and there-
fore stood as before like a statue.
" That's very good I excellent indeed ! Is it not V observed the
fiither of the lady, waving his hand towards Valentine. '^ Who is it ?"
The lady referred to her book, and Valentine stood with a firmness
which really, under the circumstances, did him great credit. Being
unable to find an3rthing like a description of him in the catalogue,
she again raised her eyes, and looked earnestly at him, and as she
found it impossible to see him with sufficient distinotness, she lifted her
veil ! In an instant Valmtine turned his eyes upcm her, and beheld
228 LIFE AVD ADTSNTURES OF
4iof her in whom all his hopes were concentered ! no, nothing at all
like her ! It was a lady with dark, piercing eyes, it is true, but with
a face thickly studded with scarlet carbuncles.
^^ You did it ezoellenily well, sir/' observed the old gentleman, smiling,
and tapping him playfully on the shoulder ; ^' Upon my life I imagined
you to be a real figure."
Valentine of course felt flattered ^highly flattered ; but was really so
enraged that he would scarcely be civil. He did, however, manage to
force up about half a smile, of a particularly wretched eoitej and walked
at once to the other end of the room. He had never before met witii
so serious a disappointment^ and he felt so ezoeedingly vexed, that he
could with pleasure have quarrelled with any man breathing. He threw
himsdf carelessly upon one of the seats, and looked upon all around
him as if they had been really his natural enemies. He several times
called himself a fool most emphatically, and twisted, and fidgetted, and
knocked himself about ^very naturally, it is true, for he was then ex-
tremely wretched but certainly with most unwarrantable violence.
He felt that he wanted something, either to do or to drink, he nather
knew nor cared which, albeit at that moment he could have drunk a
pint of wine off with infinite gusto. Wine, however, could not be had
there ; but, as he saw a very decent old fellow in spectacles sittmg
beside him, and looking about very quietly with a little black box in
his hand, he felt that perhaps a pinch of snuff, if it gave him no com-
fort, might somewhat revive him ; and, therefore, addressing this spec-
tacled person said, ^^ Will you obhge me V*
The old boy appeared not to hear him. He continued to move his
head right and left, and to turn his eyes about in all directions, but
neither uttered a syllable nor oflered the box. Valentine, therefore^
fancying that he must be either deaf or lost in a maze of admiration,
said, raising his voice, " May I trouble you ?"
The old fellow still looked about him, but positively took no more
notice of the request than if it had never been made ! Of course Valen-
tine thought this extraordinaiT conduct, and began to be very angry
with the cross old bear; but just as he was about to expostulate with
him to ask him what it was he really meant ^for he was just
in the humour to consider himself insulted he heard a half-suppressed
titterinff, which he found to proceed from two merry little ladies behind
him, when in an instant his eyes were opened, and he saw at once that
tMKv was the materiel with which the old boy had been built.
*^ Well, this is extraordinary I" thought Valentine, whom the in-
cident restored to good humour ; and he smiled at the deception indeed
he as nearly as possible laughed, and on looking round, saw many very
pleasant people who were hiughing both at him and with him.
*^ Thart's a dead tak in, zir, thart there be," observed a ruddy-faced
person, who was dressed like a fonner ; ^* I thowt mysel it wor flash an
bind, damg me if I didn't, ;" and he grinned very desperately, and
crammed a great portion of his handkerchief into his mouth, feeling,
probably, that, although he had a very sweet laugh when it had its full
VALBNTIKE YOX. 229
natural swing, it mi^ht not be altogether decent to allow it to break
loose there.
^* It is very amusing/' said Valentine, addressing this person ; and
he absolutely felt it to be so, and that feeling prompted him to walk
round the room with the view of examining the rest of the figures,
wliich he did with that species of pleasure which is at once very natural
and' Yery remarkable ; for although curiosity may be generally acknow-
ledged to be a feeling, of which the indulgence is essential to tlie
pleasurable existence of us all, there is probably nothing in which that
feeling is so strikingly manifested as in the peculiar gratification which
we derive from a sight of the most famous, and most infamous men of
tlie age. Whether they, who step out of the ordinary track, be phil-
anthropists, murderers, warriors, or villains, we are anxious to see what
sort of men they are, and if that be impossible ^if we cannot see them
in prcprid penond why the next best thing in public estimation, is
to see their portraits ^being public lions, or objects of public curiosity
-*-and as wax models are a species of portraiture which is by far the
most striking, and which approaches the nearest to nature, the gratifi-
cation they impart, if they be perfect, is greater than that which is
derived from representations on canvass. Nothing can give so correct
an idea of the features and figures of men as wax models : every shade,
every line, every little peculiarity, may be so pourtrayed as to make it
appear that the originals are living and breathing before you. It is im-
possible to take a portrait on canvass for life ; but a perfect wax model
may be taken for a living man ; and hence, if the most exact imitation
of nature be the perfection of art, the art of wax-modelling, as &r as
portraiture is concerned, may be held to be by far the most perfect.
This is, however, by no means established; nor is it absolutely
essential to the progress of this history that it should be ; for if all the
legitimate orthodox artists in the universe were to form themselves into
one grand corporation, with the view of upsetting it m toto^ it would
not mterfere with the indisputable fact, that Valentine was pleased with
the whole exhibition, and fancied that as he had taken one of the figures
for Kfe, he ought, in justice to himself, to extend the deception, in order
to witness its effect upon others.
Now this singular fancy had no sooner been conceived, than he ob-
served at the upper part of the room a little ancient individual, who
was obviously, in his ovm estimation, a decided Narcissus. His hair
was powdered, and his coat was powdered too : a white cravat sustained
a very highly glazed collar, which appeared to entertain the design of
sawing off both his ears ; and while his waistcoat was white, and his
hat was white, he sported white cords, and white tops to his boots,
and carried in one hand a pair of white gloves, and a scented white
handkerchief gracefully in the other. Valentine of course became
highly amused with the bearing and dress of this respectable individual,
whose politeness was so excessive, that when persons approached in an
opposite direction, he would bow and slip aside to allow them to pass,
an operation which he had to perform about ten times per minute.
He nevertheless looked at every figure most intently, and as Valentine
230 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
almost nneonsciouslj drew near, it struck him that he might, perhaps,
for a moment inspire the belief that there were fewer inammate objects
in the room than there really were. Accordingly, just as the ancient
Narcissus was about to examine the representation of an elderly gentleman
standing alone, Valentine, throwing his yoioe towards that elderly gen-
tleman, exclaimed, '^ Ah ! glad to see you ! how do V*
Nareissus gazed very curiously, and bowed very profoundly, and
then with a sweet smile, observed, ^^ Upon my honour, you have the
advantage of me, really, I beg pardon but positively I "
^* What ! have you forgotten me quite ?" said Valentine.
*' Why where have I had the pleasure of meeting tut ! bless my
life and heart, how stupid to be sure ! ^I know those features ; and yet,
for the life of me, I cannot call to mind "
'^ Do you mean to say," observed Valentine^ ^' that you don't re-
member me?"
Narcissus dropped his head upon his shoulder, and tried with all the
energy of mind he possessed to recollect where he had met that gentle-
man before. '^ Why I know you," said he, ^' as well as possible ; and
yet, do you think that I can call to my recollection ? bless my life
and soul, what a memory I have ! Now this is really very extra-
ordinary. But wait wait a bit," he continued, raising his hand to
enjoin silence ; ^' At Brighton ? ^Why to be sure ! Mr. Pringle.
My dear friend, how are you 7 I hope I have the pleasure "
Narcissus paused, and very properly; for albeit he held out his
hand with the view of grasping that of Pringle with affectionate warmth,
Mr. Pringle by no means displayed a corresponding amount of affection.
Nareissus looked utterly amazed! He was perfectly unconscious of
having offended Mr. Pringle ; and therefore felt quite at a loss to account
for that gentleman's coldness. He could not at all understand it. He
felt that an immediate explanation was due, and was just on the point
of demanding such explanation vnth appropriate firmness and force,
when a remarkable idea flashed at once across his mind, of which the
substance was, that Pringle was not the man he tookj him for,
that he was, in a word, a man of wax ! He therefore pulled up his
fiery indignation, and examined the figure before him more minutely,
and having eventually satisfied himself on the particular point at issue,
he took off his hat and exclidmed, ^' Well ! I never !" And the fact
of his having indulged in this extraordinary exclamation was, under
the peculiar circumstances of the case, an extremely natural &ct ; and
liere the matter would have ended, but for the mystery ! he had dis-
tinctly heard a voice I His eyes might have been, and evidently had
been, deceived : he was fully prepar^ to admit that; but he certainly
was not prepared to admit that his ears had been deceived at the same
time. And yet, whence could the voice have proceeded ? The thing
was inanimate ! It could not have proceeded from that : it was im-
possible ; and yet he had heard it ! He examined it again from head
to foot very minutely, and drew his hand across his chin very lightly, and
very thoughtfully : but he could not get over it, and Valentine, leaving
him lost m conjecture, adjourned to a seat in the centre of the room.
VALBffTimc VOX. 23 1
Now on the left of this seat there was a figure which he had not seen
hefore, but which was nominally an exact representation of the beautiful
Madame St. Amaranthe, of whom the wretch, Robespierre, became
enamoured, and whom he eyentually destroyed for being sufficiently
virtuous to reject his addresses. This figure was l3dng at full length
on a couch ; and it certainly did look as much as possible like a lovely
little creature asleep. It was perfectly evident that the sympathies of
those who stood around were very strongly excited, and as they were
descanting very freely upon the character of the sanguinary monster of
whom Madame St. Amaranthe was the victim, Valentine threw a series
of well-directed sobs beneath the veil with which the figure was covered,
when in an instant the persons who were standing around simulta-
neously shrank back appalled.
'^ My goodness !" cried a remarkably stout matron, ^^ if it isn't alive,
I'm not here !"
" Gracious, Ma !" exclaimed one of her interesting daughters, ^' How
excessively ridiculous I"
*^ Don't tell me, child," rejoined the affectionate matron, *^ when I
heard the poor dear sobbing, fit to break her heart."
Valentine here introducea a short cough and after that a long yawn,
which, seeing that the arm of the figure was placed above the head,
had a strikingly natural effect.
'^ There, there ! I knew it was alive ! I said so l^ continued the old
lady, who being disposed to render ail the assistance in her power was
about to remove the veil.
** You reely mustn't touch, mam, if you please," said a girl who was
stationed near the couch, and who began to explain to an individual in
her immediate vicinity how extraordinary a thing it was, that notwith-
standing there was an announcement on almost every figure to the
efieet, that visitors were not to touch, touch they would, and nothing
in nature could keep them from touching.
** Depend upon it, dear," said the matron, in a whisper, it's all an
imposition ; it's alive dear, and that's the very reason why we mustn't
touch, to see whether it is or is not.''
This acute observation, on the part of the old lady, induced her
exemplary daughter, who was dressed with extraordinary gaiety, to
toss her head proudly, and to curl her lip contemptuously, and to ex-
claun very pointedly, ''Dear me. Ma! now excessively vulgar to be
sure!"
^'You may say what you please," rejoined the matron, ''but I
know what I know," and having made this highly appropriate and
self-satis&ctory observation, she lo^ed at Madame St. Amaranthe very
earnestly again.
" Where are you pushing ?" cried Valentine, assuming the shrill
voice of a scolding woman, and throwing it towards the figure of a
little old lady, in a black silk cloak which stood at the foot of the
couch.
" You are very polite, I must say," observed a rough individual,
turning very sharply round, ^" where did ym go to school f You'd better
y
232 ^IFE AND ADVENTURISS OP
have the whole room to yourself, mann ! Well I'm sure ! what next !"
and he looked very fiercely, and felt very indignant, until he discovered
his mistake, when he laughed very heartily, and the people around, of
couree, joined him very fteely.
At this moment, however, the two persons who had be^i the imme-
diate cause of Valentine's visit to the Ezhihition walked past, and the
sight of them plunged him into misery again. He felt wretched, par-
ticularly wretched. His dearest hopes liuod heen dashed from the emi*
nence to which they had been raised, and that eminence was so high
that they appeared to have reached the very deptlis of despair. '^ Am
I never to see her again," thought he, '* never V* He rose and left the
room ; and as he proceeded towards home, two lines of a song which
he had heard in infancy suggested themselves, and wliich ran somehow
thtts:-
** Shall I never again hear her yoice,
Nor Bee her loyed form any mote ?
i
And the peculiarly interesting interrogatoiy involved was so appropriate,
that he involuntanly hummed the poetical reply, namely,
" No, no, no, I shall never see her more!
No, no, no, I shall never see her more 1
No ! no ! no ! I shall netjer see her more !"
CHAPTER XXX.
(KX)DHAN MATURES BIS PLAN OF ESCAPE. THE C0MMIS8I0NEBS AR-
BXVE. HE PREPARES TO CONVINCE THEM OF HIS ABSOLUTE SANITY,
AND IS GOADED ON TO MADNESS. HE RECOVERS; AND HAVING
REORGANIZED HIS FORCES, RESOLUTELY MAKES THE ATTACK.
Notwithstanding Whitely laboured to inspire his friend with the
conviction that the design he had conceived would be impracticable,
Goodman, who saw no other prospect before him than that c^ perpetual
imprisonment if that design were not carried into actual execution, had
been busily occupied, maturing his scheme every day since that on which
the important subject was broached. He sounded all in whom he felt
that confidence might be placed, and with pleasure found aJl whom he
sounded willing to join lum. Still Whitely felt doubtful of success.
He saw twenty men, of whom the majority were young and muscular,
prepared to make a simultaneous effort to regain that Imerty of which
they had been with really cruel injustice deprived ; yet, although there
were but five or six keepers to be conquered, he bdieved that the minds
of the twenty had become so enfeebled, that their spirits had been, by
brutal treatment, so broken, and their native resolution so completely
subverted, that however delighted with the project they might be, how-
ever anxious they might seem to cany it into effect, when the moment
VALENTINE TOX. 233
for aciton anived, they would shrink hack dismayed, and thus secure
to the siz ruffians a signal triumph.
The process of organization, notwithstanding, went on,* the day
was fixed ; but in proportion as Goodman became more resolute and
sanguine of success,. his friend Whitely became more feverish and fear*
fuL
The day arrived; and on the morning of that day, they ascertained
that two of the keepers out of the six were to be absent, in all proba-*
bility with the view of seizing another victim.
^^ Now," exclaimed Goodman, on hearing this news, " we aiie safe I
Nothing could have been more fortunate. Kveiything, my friend, is in
our favour. There will now be but four of these men to overcome, and,
if taken by surprise, there may be but one. What, therefore, think
you now 7 Why if even the hearts of two-thirds of our companions
were to sink, success would be certain."
Whitely shook his head mournfully and sighed, and slightly trembled,
^' My dear, dear friend," continued Goodman, '^ be firm. Upon my
life, I doubt your resolution more than that of any man to whom I have
spoken on the subject. Consider the monstrous character of our po-
sition. Consider how we have been kidnapped stolen from society ;
consider also, that unless we do make our escape thus, imprisonment
for life is inevitable."
^' I do," returned Whitely, ^* I do consider all ; but I cannot avoid
looking at the consequences of a a.iluie."
'^ A failure !" exclidmed Goodman ; *^ It is madness to think of it.
Think of success, my dear friend, not of failure. Suppose we admit
the possibility, or even the probabihty of failure ; what then ? Is
not the chance of regainmg our liberty worth all the risk ? Are we,
or are we not to make the attempt? If we are, why then, perish the
thought of a failure! Why should we think of it 7 What was ever
achieved by entertaining the thought ? What would have been our
national character if the consequences of failure had preyed upon our
souk ? We have been, as a nation, invariably successful, because we
have invariably felt sure of success, even under the most adverse cir-
cumstances. Had it not been for that, we should have been in the
world's estimation a nation of cowards. Why speak of a fiiilure, tiien,
now? In a case like this, which entirely depends upon individual
firmness and resolution, we must succeed, if we believe we shall succeed ;
but we cannot succeed if we fear that we shall fail. Come ! come I
be a man. Think of twenty opposed to four ; and the cause of that
twenty indisputably just: think of this, and feel ashamed to dream
even of a failure. If we be but firm, our freedom will be achieved : I
feel perfectly certain of that. All depends upon us. We are to lead,
and have therefore the power within ourselves to inspire our companions
with the courage of lions, or to cause them to cringe like spaniels again.
Shall we not make the attempt?"
** We will !" cried Whitely, with unusual firmness, grasping the
hand of Ghodman as he spoke, ^* We will ! come what may, the at-
tempt shall be made."
H H
284 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
(Goodman was delighted. He felt far more sangaiiie than ever. He
went round to his companions, spoke to them cautiously one hy one,
lest suspicion should be excited, and found them all impatient to com
mence the attack. Twilight, however, was considered the fittest period
for the commencement of operations. Goodman was then to ^ve the
signal by drawing forth a sheet which he had cut into strips, with which
the principal keeper was to be bound, when, having obtsuned the keys,
they were to rush to the door which led to the residence of the proprietor
of the asylum, and which they had but to pass to be free. This waa
well understood by them all, and all were anxious for the day to wear
away ; but just as they were about to be summoned to what, by an ex-
traordinary stretch of the imaginatioD, was conceived to be a dinner, it
was announced that the commissioners had unexpectedly arrived, when,
of course a general rush was made by the servants of the establishment,
with the view of getting things in order for the mockery of an in-
spection about to toke phtce.
^' Now," sidd Whitely, the moment he heard of their arrival, ^ as
ur as you are 'concerned, this attempt need not be made. The commie-
sioners were not expected : the keepers have therefore no time to excite
you ; and as you are the only 'patient' whom they have not yet seen, yon
are perfectly sure to be called before them. Be firm ; be composed : for
Heaven 8 sake, my friend, say nothing which may develop the smaUeat
degree of excitement. Appeal to their judgment. Be calm quite calm.
The keepers may wish you to take ^ glass of wine before you enter
the drawing-room : if they should, be sure that it is drugged ; be quite
sure ! on no account touch it. Remember, my friend, the way in
which they excited me^ and thus made it appear that I was really
insane, which the conmiissioners believe to this day. Therefore do not
touch anything before you see them, as you value your liberty."
This caution was received with gratitude by (Goodman, who fdt sure
that he should be able to convince the commissioners that he was a per-
fectly sane man, and therefore at once began to think of the best mode of
commencing his appeal ; but while he was thus engaged in the full convic-
tion of success, the proprietor was occupied in giving instructions to his
head-keeper ; for he aLao felt certain that Goodman whose mildness
and perfect self-possession he had had ample opportunities of witnessing
^would, if fair play were allowed, succeed in establishing his perfect
sanity ; and he did not forget that, in such an event, he should, of
oourse, lose one of the most profitable patients he had.
Accordingly, Goodman had scarcely time to decide on the com-
mencement of his address, before the head-keeper Altered the garden,
and addressing him, shouted, '* Now then, ^here, yn$ ! ^This way,
here, you're wanted !"
'' Success I success !" exclaimed Whitely ; *' Be calm ! God bless you !
My dear friend, God bless jom !" And as the friends shook hands, the
tear which stood in Whitely 's eye portrayed the feelings of his heart
with far more eloquence than words.
*^ Now then I" shouted the keeper, *' how much longer are you going
for to make me keep waiting here, hay V*
' ^,;/,://., ,/,:,,
VALENTINE VOX. 2S5
Goodman joined him at once with the utmost firmness. He felt that
all depended upon his tranquil bearing then, and hence determined not
to notice any indignity that might be offered. Instead, however, of
being introduced to the Commissioners, who were appropriately taking
wine in the drawing-room, the keeper led him to the cell in which
he slept, and in which he found another keeper loaded with an arm-
full of chains.
*^Now then," cried the principal ruffian, ^^come, strip! and look
alive."
^' Am I not to see the commissioners ?" enquired Goodman, caliply.
^^ And no mistake, you are. They're a coming here directly. So
you'd better look sharp !"
"^Pray," said Gtodman, humbly, yet earnestly, "allow me to see them
as I am."
" Strip, I say, and be quick ! d*ye hear me ? come ! I'm not going to
stand all thish 'ere dilly dallying. Sam ! here, just lug off his coat."
And the fellow threw the chains upon the ground, and tore the coat
off accordingly.
" My good men, pray tell me your object in "
" Silence V interrupted the ruffian, "Hold your mouth, or I'll make
yer I"
The very moment the coat was off, they slipped on a strait waistcoat,
and then threw him down upon the bed ; and while one of them was
fastening an iron collar round his neck, and locking the chain attached
to a stanchion, the other was engaged in pulling off his shoes and stock-
ings, and chaining his legs firmly to the Irnttom of the bed.
G^oodman remamed silent. " Let them do what they please," thought
he, " I shall still have the power to speak to the commissioners. Let
them load me with chains, I must not be excited."
The fiileeves of the strait wainscoat, were now tied to the bedstead, on
either side; his bare feet were chained securely; he was unable to
move hand or foot, he had not even the power to raise his head.
" Now," said the principal ruffian, addressing his assistant, " Do you
go down, and let me know when they're a-coming."
The fdlow obeyed, and the moment he had done so, the keeper de-
liberately drew a feather from his breast, and having straightened it,
and looked at it with an air of the most intense satis&ction, knelt down
at the foot of the bed.
" What, in Heaven's name," thought Goodman, "is about to take place ?
My good man," he exclaimed, in a state of great alarm, " what, what
are you going to do with me V*
Scarcdy had the last word been uttered when the miscreant began
to tickle the soles of his victim's feet !
" Oh ! ohr exclaimed Goodman ; " Oh ! Do not ! Pray do not !
Oh ! God ! I cannot endure it ! Mercy ! Murder ! Murder ! Murder !"
and he struggled and shrieked, and the more he shrieked and struggled
the more quickly was the feather applied. The blood rushed to his
head. He strained horribly. The torture was exquisite. His cries
might have pierced the heait even of a fiend, yet that wretch still kept
23^ LIFB AKD ADTEIfTUBSS OF
up the dreadftd process. ^ My Ood ! My Ood V* exclaimed Goodman,
"What agony!"
These were the last woids he oonsdonsly uttered, for his veins began
to swell, and his face became black, and his eyes appeared to be in the
act of starting from their sockets. The room shook with his conyu]-
sions. He raved with maniacal fury ! In a word, he had been goaded
to madness.
^^ They are here ! they are here !" cried the assistant, rushing into the
room.
" All rieht ; I*ve done the trick,'* said the miscreant, concealing the
feather, and throwing a blanket over the feet of his victim.
The commissioners entered ! Goodman was a maniac I ^lanshing
and raving, alternately torturing his features into shapes the most hideous
writhing with frightful energy to get loose, and screaming horribly.
" Here is the poor man," observed the humane proprietor, with an
expression of the purest sympathy ; " Poor gentleman ! Really, it is
enough to make one's heart bleed to see him."
'' Dreadful !" cried one of the commissioners.
" Dreadful, indeed I" exclaimed another.
" Poor fellow ! Is he often thus V enquired a third.
" Not very often so out-and-out bad, sir," replied the brutal keeper ;
^^ only about twice a week ; and he's much to be pitied : there ain't a
patient I pities more than him." And he winked at the proprietor, uid
the proprietor winked at him, as the commissioners drew near to the
bedside, while poor Goodman was shouting, "Villains I Murderers!
Fiends !" He was mad ! ^raving mad I xhe commissioners were
satisfied. Accustomed as they had been to such scenes, this struck
them with horror, and they prepared to leave the room.
" It's shocking when they are so," observed the christian proprietor,
" truly shocking. Take care of him, Johnson ; treat him tenderly, poor
man!"
" I will, sir, depend on't," replied the keeper ; and the commissioners
quitted the scene, much affected.
The very moment they had left, the miscreant burst into a loud roar
of laughter, and congratulated himself on the success of his brutal ex-
periment. He had tried it before frequently ; and althouffh one of his
victims had died under the dreadful operation, while anotner had been
struck with paralysis, and a third had been reduced to a state of idiotcy,
in which he continued till death, it had occasionally so far failed as to
induce almost immediate exhaustion, which had been found not to
answer the proposed end so well. In this case, however, he had been
perfectly successful, and therefore, after having remained in the room
until the commissioners had quitted the asylum, he left his raving
victim with a fiend-like smile to receive the applause of his infiuions
master.
Poor Goodman's dreadful paroxysm lasted without a moment's inter-
mission for more than six hours ; and when consciousness returned, his
exhaustion was so absolute, that he instantly sank into a deep heavy
sleep a sleep, indeed, so profound, that although the two keepers di
VALEMTDCB VOX. 287
vested him of the ohains, the strait waistcoat, and the iron collar, and
even completely undressed him, he did not awake.
About twelve o'dock, however, that night, he was aroused by a
series of desperate pinches, and, on opening his eyes, he perceived the
groprietor who had become apprehensive of losing a patient for whom
e was so liberally paid stanmng over him.
*^ Wa-ater 1" he gasped, after a violent effort to uncleave his tonffue
from the roof of his mouth ; and the proprietor gave him a cormal,
which in a short time considerably revived him.
" How horribly ! oh I how horribly have I been used \" said Good-
man, fiiintly, as soon as he had recovered the power to speak. *' I
hope you did not authorise this dreadful treatment V he continued, aa
the feverish tears rolled upon the pillow on either side as he lay.
** Dreadful treatment !" exclaimed the proprietor, with an expression
of utter amazement. '' What dreadful treatoient?"
Goodman briefly, but warmly explained.
** Pooh ! It's aU your delusion," exclaimed the proprietor, ^*' It's all
your deltman !*'
'* Delusion !" fechoed Goodman in a mournful tone. '^ That man,
that desperately wicked man well knows that it is no delusion. May
God in his mercy forgive him !" he continued ; and again the tears
gushed from his eyes ; his heart was full, and he sobbed bitterly.
^* Johnson \" said the proprietor in an angry tone, *^ Have you been
ill-using this patient V*
^* Me, sir ! Me ill-use patients ! I never ill-uses 'em : on the con-
trajrry, I always treats 'em in the kindestest manner. How ever pa-
tients can get up sich 'bom'nable lies, puts me out altogether : but then
they know nothink, you know, when they're that way. The Gonunift-
sioners seed that there wam't no mistake."
^^ The commissioners !" cried Goodman, *' Then they have been here*
They have seen me, in all probability, raving. They are satisfied that
I -am mad ! Oh, vUlany ! Monstrous villany I"
*^ Come, come ! none of that ! none of that !" cried the proprietor ;
* compose yourself, and don't run away with such flwcies. I tell you,
it's all your delusion, and nothing but delusion: go to sleep: go to
sleep." And thus he left him.
*^ Now," said the ruffian, when his master had left, *' do you want
any other little thing afore I ^o ; cos if you do, you don't have it. I
ill-uses you, do I ? Never mmd. I'U sarve you out for that, one of
these here odd days, mark my words; now, you mind if I don't !" And
he slammed the door of the oeU, and having locked it securely, poor
Goodman was left to his reflections for the mght.
For one entire week he never quitted his cell ; which, independently
of the acute physical pain he endured was, of itself, a dreadful species of
torture, for neither a book nor a paper of any description was he
allowed ; not a soul was he permitted either to speak to or to see, with
the single exception of that savage ruffian, the very right of whom in*
duoed an involuntary slmdder.
Meanwhile, his companions in misfortune were marvelling what had
238 LIFB AND ADVENTVRBS OF
become of him. The keepers would of couiqe, give them no information.
They could not hear of his being still in the asylum, nor could they
hear of his liaving obtained his liberty ; but when four or five days had
elapsed, the impression became general that, having succeeded in con-
vincing the commissioners of his sanity, he had been quietly suffered to
depart.
At the expiration of the week, however, he acain appeared amongst
them, and the feelings which were excited by his re^appearanoe, were
those of mingled pleasure and regret. As far as they were concerned,
they were detighted to see him; for the goodness of his heart, which
was at all times conspicuous, had won their affections ; but as for as
lemded himself, they beheld him with sorrow.
Their ^dness was, however, soon permitted to preponderate ; for al-
though he was feverish and ph3r8ically weak, his strength of mind had
been unimpaired by the monstrous outrage to which he had been sub-
jected, and being, if possible, more firmly determined than before to
effect an escape, they viewed him as their liberator, and phoed im-
plicit confidence in his judgment and resolution. He aroused their
enthusiasm by an explanation of what had occurred, and they looked
upon success as a matter of course. There was, however, one whose
enthusiasm he could not excite, and that was Whitely the hor-
rible consequences of a fiulure having again taken possession of his
BouL
**My friend," said that gentleman, when Goodman had laboured
to warm him asain with his eloquence^ ^' let us now trust entirely to
Providence. He never deserts those who put their whole trust in
Him."
'^ I believe it," said Goodman, ^' I firmly, religiously believe it : I
do trust in Providence, and have implicit confidence in His goodness :
it is hence that I believe that our enterprise will be successful, being, as
it is, indisputably based upon justice ; but be assured that it never was
intended that a man should trust in Providence and be inactive, that
be should sufier those faculties with which he has been endowed, to lie
dormant, looking to Providence for the accomplishment of that which
Providence has given him the power to achieve."
" If we believe," rejoined Whitely, " that He who works the uni-
verse, ffuides even the wprm ; that He permits the varied ills of human
life, and forms the varied moulds in which the minds of men are oast^ and
that in His judgments He is merdfiil and just ; how can we believe that
He will ever desert those who put their whole trust and confidence in
Him ? We have suffSsied ; we suffsr still ; but did suffering increase in
power with its age, we must have been goaded to deatli or to madness ;
but even in our position, we see that pain and pleasure cannot be di-
oroed, for there is no wound which can be inflicted, at which we do not
feel the God of Nature administering, at least, the balm of hope. Man
never despairs. He cannot do so wholly. He looks to Him with con-
fidence^ even in the last extremity. In Him, therefore, let us confide.
Let us look to Him for aid. Let us hope! still hope! and be
resigned."
YALENTINE TOX. 230
^^ My friend," said Goodman, solemnly, ^^ the presence of lesignation
in such a case as this of necessity supposes the absence of hope. When
liberty is wounded, men tcill hope ; they mourn, and mourn, and call
her virtues up, and pant and pray for her recovery the slightcst change
reanimates their souls while they believe that she yet may be restored :
it is when she becomes to us dead, when we are sure that she is gone,
never, never to return, that hope gives place to resignation. I feel, with
you, that they who finnly confide in Him will not do so in vain ; but that
feeling by no means prompts the conviction, that all human exertion is
therefore unnecessary, or that all such exertion, of necessity, amounts to
opposition to His will. We look to Him for aid ; but is it, therefore,
our duty to lie dormant ? That, indeed, would be illustrating with a
vengeance the apathetic faith of the fabled waggoner, who called for the
aid of Jupiter. We must put our own shoulders to the i^dieel, my
friend. Aide tot, et U del faidera"
It by no means required all this to convince Mr. Whitely of the fact,
that trusting in Providence did not suppose it to be the duty of man to
remain inactive ; but being anxious to induce Goodman to forego his
design, he had recourse to every thing bearing even the semblance of an
argument which might tend to subvert his resolution. Finding, how-
ever, that this was impossible, he again declared his readiness to join
him, and promised to think no more of a failure, but to act with the
resolute firmness of a man feeling perfectly sure of success.
Accordingly, the next day was fixed upon as the one on which the
attempt should be made, about twilight ; and Goodman, by calling into
action all the eloquence at his command, succeeded in inspiring his
companions with so much courage, that they were to a man as deter-
mined as himself.
The morning came ; and on being turned into the garden, they all
seemed to have the impression, that it was for the li^ time. They
breathed more freely, and stepped more lightly, and smiled at each other
with an air of satisfaction tiie most absolute. The day appeared to
wear away but slowly, for they held as little communication as possible
with each other lest the keepers should have their suspicion aroused.
Twilight approached ! and all, save Goodman and Whitely, who
remained firm as rocks, were in a state of the most feverish excitement.
Their lips were pale, and their hearts beat violently. They walked
round and round, and to and fro, with hurried steps, tugging at the
sleeves of their coats, trying the firmness of the muscles of their arms,
and grinding their teeth with apparent desperation. They could not
control the dovelopment of their feelings. *^^Be firm I" whispered Good-
man to each as they passed him, ^* Be firm 1" and each replied with a
look of resolution.
^^Now^ said Goodman, addressing Whitely, as the ruffian who had
tortured him entered the garden. " The time is come I Every eye is
upon us. See ! all are prepared. They will rush to our aid in an
instant. Not a man vnSL keep back ; not one of them I know it !
Now, all is understood. The very moment we have him down, we
bind him ; when, having obtained possession of his keys, we rush to
%$0 LIFE AND DTENTURBS OF
that door which leads into thehouBe, and we are ficee, my friend ^free!
Ones commenoey we ronet, of oonxse, break ihioufffa all oppoation,"
The friends shook hands. ^* I am ready/' said Whitdy. The keeper
approached, with his hands in his pockets, whistline snatches of popular
tunes. Every eye was fixed on Goodman. The Keeper passed I and
Croodman, in an instant, drew the cord from his breast, and haying
thrown it over the head of the ruffian, brou^t him heavily to the grouniL
^ Now !" cried Whitely, ^' Now f" and his companions rushed like
lightning to the spot. '* Help ! Murder !" shouted the keeper, struggling
desperately, and dragging down several of his assailants.
** Stop his mouth, cned Goodman, ^^ Bind his legs ! Now his arms !
The keys ! the keys !" he shouted, holding them up, and his com-
panions gave a deafening cheer.
Such a cheer had never before been heard within those waUs. The
poor insane people appeared perfectly electrified, and began to laugh and
shout, and to perform the most extraordinary antics, dancing, capering,
and rolling about the garden in a state of ecstatic delight.
Two keepers rushed 5ut ! The insane people ran into a comer ; but
Goodman's companions were firm. " Down with them !" cried Whitely,
and the keepers were dashed to the ground on the instant. Another
appeared ! *' Ofier no opposition I" wouted Ghodman, '* stand aside !"
But the fellow at once sprang at him and seiased him t^y the throat,
which Whitely no sooner perceived, than with one well-aimed blow he
struck the ruffian to the earth ; and another shout, louder than the first,
re-inspired them.
" To the door 1" cried Goodman, " To the door I Follow me !" and
they darted through the asylum to the door which communicated with
the residence of the proprietor.
At that door, a gigantic keeper armed with a bludgeon, stood
wuting to receive them. '' Stand back !" he cried, '' Standi 111 dash
the brams out of the fint man that dares to come near me !"
Goodman sprang at him on the instant, and the uplifted bludgeon
descended upon the head of Whitely with so much force, that it brought
him to the ground.
^* Villain !" cried Goodman, seizing the instrument, which he even-
tually wrenched from the ruffian's grasp.
" Go on !" shouted Whitely, " I'm not hurt ; go on ! ^Now ! ^the
keys I"
They were lost ! ^*^ No matter !" cried (Goodman, and he dashed in
the door at one blow with the bludgeon.
** Hurrah !" again shouted the prisoners. Another door had to be
passed. The proprietor on hearing the shouts, had darted to that door,
which he opened the very moment it was about to be dashed down.
** Stand aside!" cried Goodman; '^ Stop us at your peril I" and he
and Whitely sprang through the house and were free !
Nome followed. ^ Let us go back," cried Goodman, " to thdr as-
* Not for your /t.'" ^xdaimed Whitely, '' Come on!**
On th^ went. Still none followed ! ^not one ! ^The very instant
TALBNTINB YOX. 241
ihe^ had padaed, the pvQprietory with desperate energy forced to the
door and looked the spring I In Tain the prisoners dacdied up against
it. It defied all their efforts. They could not make it yield. They
eventually succeeded in kicking in the weakest portion of the lower
panel, but at the moment three of the keepers, armed with pitchforks,
came round, and, by striking at the legs of the patients through the
iq)erture, Iwoied all who sto(Kl within their reach.
^* Back I back !'' they shouted, *^ back ! if you value your souls ;**
and having stuck their forks into the flesh of tho patients until they
retreated in despair, they threw open the door, rushed upon them wi^
savage desperation, and in less than ten minutes they were in a state of
the most absolute insensibility, handcuffed and chained !
** Where's Johnson ? Where's Johnson V* cried the proprietor, when
this had been accomplished. '' Where's Johnson V
He was still in the garden, where he lay bound and bellowing with
n^ while half a dosaen idiots were dan^ng their hands and moing
immd and round him with infinite elee.
His bvother ruffians now heard him. He was instantly lelcaaed, and
on being informed of the escape of Goodman and Whitely, he and the
giant mslied into the stable, twisted the halters mto the moutlis of two
hetsee, and, taking a rope with them, gallopped off at once without
either saddle or brrale towards town.
The two friends had got some considerable distance, when, being
exhausted, they crept behind a hedge. They heard the horses tearing
along the road, and saw the keepers urging them forward with looks of
desperation. They approached; and tne two friends would scarcely
allow themselves to breathe. They passed ! at full gallop. ** Bravo 1"
said Whitely, ** now, now we are secure. Now let us be off."
** No, no I'' cried Goodman, *^ not yet; not yet: they are not out
of sight."
" Be guided by me," r^oined Whitely, " I know every inch of the
road. Let us once get across this field, and we shall be far more safe
than we are here. Gome, come ! there's not a moment to be lost."
Goodman yielded : they started off, and the keepers saw them in an
instant.
^ Quick, quick ! we are perceived 1" cried Whitby.
The keepers turned ; leaped their horses over the hedge, and were in
the field before Groodman had got half across it.
" Come on !" shouted Whitely, " Come on I"
^^ Th^ must catch us," cried Goodman, " let us stop to take breath,
and meet them firmly man to man."
** Come on ! come on !" reiterated Whitely.
*^ TuibT shouted Goodman, ^ we shall be exhausted : we shall not
be able to oope with tliem. Tumi"
Whitely did tinrn. '* Be resolute," he cried ; '' give me the stick :
I am stronger than you."
The next mmnent l&e keepers were on the spot. ** As you value
your lives," exclaimed Whitely, '^ keep off!"
The keepers alighted with an expression of contempt, and at onoe
1 1
242 LIPB AKD ADTENTUSBS OF
rashed upon them. Whitely aimed a desperate blow at the' head of
Johnson, and struck him to the ground, and at the same instant| Good-
man was felled by the giant.
^^Fij and save yourself I Fly!" shouted (Goodman, as the giant
knelt upon him.
^* Never f' cried Whitely, *^ until you are free.'* And he rashed
upon the gigantic ruffian, who caught him as he rashed, and held them
both down together.
^^ Now, now!" cried the giant^ *^ bring the ropes! bring the
ropes !"
Johnson rose and shook his head. Whitely's blow had confused him.
He did, however, manage to stagger up to the spot, and the giant,
while kneeling upon Goodman's neoL, bound Whitely hand and foot.
^' Now for the horses ! Bring the horses ! ^here !*' shouted the giant.
Johnson staggered towards them and fell.
Goodnum could not be bound. They had no more rope left. To secure
him, the ^ant, therefore, gave him a blow upon the head which stunned
him, and ran for the horses himsdf. He soon brought them to the
spot, and threw Whitely across the back of one of them just as he would
have thrown a sack of oats ; ' and having placed Johnson behind, he
threw Goodman in the same way across the back of the other and
mounted himself; and thus the two friends were carried back to the
asylum as nearly as possible dead. -
CHAPTER XXXI.
UNCLE JOHN ANNOUNCES HIS INTENTION OF RUNNING UP TO TOWN,
AND VALENTINE VISITS A WEALTHY INDIVIDUAL, TO WHOM HE
FAILS TO IMPART MUCH PLEASURE.
On the morning of the day on which the occurrences recorded in the
preceding chapter took place, Yalentine received a long-expected letter
from Uncle John, which ran as follows:
*^ Mt Dear Bot. I vrish to know what it is you mean, sir, by want-
ing more money ? Have you any idea how much you have had ? Does it
happen totirike you that you are living at a rainous rate ? I dare say that
you have been at some expense in endeavouring to discover friend Good-
man ; and you are a good boy, no doubt, for your pains, poor fellow !
But do you think that I am made of money, eh ? I shall send you
no more, sb ! ^not another shilling. It puzzles me however yon get
rid of so much. When I was your age, a hundred a-year would have
enabled me to live like a prince ; and here yon have been living away at
the rate of four ! What do you mean, sir ? Do you thiiu: that I
pick money up in the street? An extravagant dog! Why, you'd
beggar the Bank of England, and so your mother says, and I perfectly
VALENTINE VOX. 243
agiee with her ; and she insists upon your keeping an account of every
shilling you spend, and how you spend it, that we may know that you
spend it properly. No doubt you get sadly imposed upon, and living
in London is very ezpensiYe I dare say; but these extravagancies
must be checked, and they ought to be checked: your mother says
that they ought to be checked ; and I am exactly of her way of thinking.
Mark my words, eir, extravagance is the root of all evil ; and I there-
fore don't feel myself justified in encouraging you in anything of the
sort, by supplying you with the means of being extravagant. But
don't return. I'll not allow you t come back until you have found
Goodman. I am quite of your opinion that there has been some
foul play. I'll be bound to say that it is so ; but I'm not at all
satisfied with your exertions in the matter. Do you suppose that if I
were in London I should not have discovered him long before this ?
You don't go the right way to work about the business. I'm sure you
don't. You can't. And now I come to think of it, 111 run up to
London myself. I'll soon find him out. It is all very well to look, and
look ; but it is ahivays my plan to go to the fountain head at once^
You will see me some day, about the week after next. I don't exactly
know which day ; but as you have nothing much to do, you can be at
the inn where the coach arrives, every evemng till you see me.
*' Your poor mother has not been so well the last two or three days.
She caught cold the other evening coming from the Beeches. I knew
she womd, because she always does ; and I said so, but she wouldn't
believe me, and now she finds out her mistake. She sends her dearest
love, which is more than you deserve, and accept the same firom,
" My dear boy,
^^ Your most affectionate Uncle,
"John Long."
^ P.S. I have said, that I'll not send you up another shilling, and
111 not break my word ; but, if you shoiUd ^mark ! if you tJwuld
want any money, before you see me, you can go to Mr. Fledger ; you
know his address, and as there is a balatice between us of sixty pounds
or so in my fiivour, you tnay get him to give you five pounds, if you
like, but on no account draw more than twenty ^mind l^at.
" Expect to see me about next Wednesday se'nnight. Be sure, my
dear boy, that you meet me at the coach. God bless you. J. L."
The portion of this affectionate episUe which gave the greatest
pleasure to Valentine was the announcement of Uncle John's intention
to visit London. He knew that, whatever might be said about extra-
vaganoe in the body of the letter, there would oe something in a pecu-
niary point of view rather pleasing in the postscript ; but he did not
expect that the old gentleman could ever have been prevailed upon to
come up to town. It was precisely what Valentine wanted him to do,
and he was therefore delighted with the announcement ; and having
ascertained from the widow, Smugman, that she would, with much
pleasure, and moreover could, with great convenience and comfort,
provide the accommodation required, he began to think of Pledger, who
244 LIFE Aim ADTBMTUBBB OP
resided at BennoiidBey, and of whom he was to loeeive nol wmrt than
twenty pounds.
Valentine had fireqnently heaxd of Mr. Pledger. He had heaid of hk
heing the owner of an immense number of houses, and consequently a
man of confflderable wealth. He knew that Uncle John became ac*
quainted with the ezistonoe of such an individual thxourii a friend to
whom he had sold some property in Essex, of which fled^er beeame
subsequently possessed, in conaderation of his pa3dhg to Unde John the
balance of the purchase-money due, and this was all that he knew of
Mr. Fledffer.
He had however heard, in addition to this, that there was no dianos
of catching that gentleman at home until the evening, and havine aooord-
ingly waited until the evening drew near, he started off, with his heart
and purse equally light.
It struck iiim, however, as he passed down Regent Street, that the
distance to Bermondsey was rather too great for him to walk ; and
being anxious on that particular occasion to act upon the most approved
principle of economy, he decided upon patronizing an Omnibus as frr as
tlie Elephant and Castle. He, therefore, hailed the very first that
came up, and jumped in ; but, before he could reach a vacant seat, the
conductor, who perceived at that moment an opposition Omubns ap-
proaching, slammed the door, when, as the horses, knovnng the ngnal,
at once started off, he was forcibly thrown backwards upon the knees
of the passengers, who permitted him to slip very quietlyupon the straw.
This was pleasant. Ho thought it very pleasant ; especially as the
people at that interesting moment began to laugh very loudly and veiy
merrily. He scrambled up, however, by no means disconcerted, and
having at length reached a seat, he waited patienUy until the burst of
merriment had subsided, when being determined to take his revenge out
of the conductor, he shouted, ^^ Ho !" throwing his voice tovmr that
person, who was perched upon a board by the side of the door, where,
with one of his arms hooked in a straip, and the other raised high in the air,
he peipetnally bawled, ' Cas-o// / Elephant Cas-a^/ Cas-otf /"
** Ho r' shouted Valentine, louder than before.
'' Hold hard !" cried the conductor, and the vehicle stopped. Of
course no one attempted to move. ^^ Look alive, sir, please," he con-
tiuued, as thb opposition omnibus passed him. ^ Any lady or gend-
man want to get out V
^* The Circus !" cried Valentine, in an assumed voice, of course.
*^The Cirkiss ! Why couldn't yer say so?*' observed the oonductor,
and he slammed the door to with additional violence.
It thus became clear, that this course of proceeding was one of which
he did not exactiy approve. He, notwithstanding, cried, ^ Hold hard,''
on reaching the Circus, and descended from his perch to re-open the
door. ^' Now then, sir ! The Cirkiss !" he continued, '^ what genelman
wants to get dovm at the Cirkiss ?"
To this natural question no answer was returned, a foct which struck
the conductor as being most extraordinary ! he didn't know exactly
what to make of it ! he couldn't understand it at all !
TALBMnXB VOX. 24&
^ Yoa will not foiffoi to put me down al the Aiheiifleuin Club/' ob-
served aa elderly genfleman who sat near the door.
^^ The Athneem ! you said the Cirkias just now! I wish people
could know thnr own minds I'' cried the conductor, who was not per-
haps the mildest individual in existence, and who had possibly been
prompted to make that observation by the foot, that at that particular
instant, a$iotker oppontion omnibus passed him.
^ ^^ It was not I," observed the elderly ffentleman, who evidently prided
himself upon the strikingly grammatiou construciion of hb sentences.
**" It was not I who said the Circus : it was the gentleman whom you
previonaly addiessed."
Long before this highly appropriate speech, short as it was, had been
brought to a conclusion, the conductor had closed the door, and the
hones had started oP again ; while the passengers were lookii^ very
earnestly at each other, wiUi the Liudable view of ascertaining who it
was that had agnified a v?ish to alight at the Circus.
They were utterly unable, however, to get at the fact which at that
particular period of time interested them so deeply. They had their
sn^ctons ; and the object of those suspicions was a cadaverous looking
person, with black wiry whiskers, who appeared to be fast asleep at the
fiurther end of the vehide ; but that, of course, according to the general
impression, was a feint.
^^ Now/' said the conductor, as he opened the door on arriving at the
comer of Waterloo-place, " p'raps this ere 'U suit yer V
^^ It is here that I wished to alight/' replied the Athenaoum gentle-
man emphatically.
^' Wdl, come, that's a blessing any how," rejoined the conductor,
who was by no means an ill-tempered man, but occarionally very
sarcastic.
*^ What is that you say, sir?" cried the Athenseum ^ntleman,
whom the conductor's ironicaJ observation had fiiiled to propitiate.
^' Why, ony that it's a comfort you're suited at last."
^^ I beg," said the gentleman of the Athenasum, handing over his
sixpence, ^ that you 'mil not be impertinent, or I shall be under the
disagreeable necessity of taking your number."
Tliis roused the indignation of the conductor, who very prpmntly,
and very loudly cried, ** Take it ! D'yer vnmt to stop the buss a million
o' times, while all the other busses is cuttin past us ?"
The gentleman of the Athenaaum looked perfectly amazed, and wbb
about to give expression to his sentiments on the subject ; but before he
had time to commence, the conductor having intimated that that wouldn't
agree vrith his comphunt, banged the door, hopped with infinite alacrity
upon his perch, and renewed his *' Cas-o// / l'phant,Cas-atf / Cas-o// 1"
and continued thus to shout until they stopped at Charing Cross.
In front of the house before which the *' buss " stopped, stood a
person enveloped dn a peculiarly constructed great coat, a small pocket
on one side of which had been made for the reception of a watch, upon
the fiMse of which he gased, on the average, about twenty times per
minute. He held a paper in his hand, and a pen in his moutbi and
246 LIFB AMD ADVBNTUREB OF
appeared to have been established in that particular spot for the express
purpose of proving to all whom it might concern, that time would fly
away, despite his efforts to keep it.
^* You're behmd Bill again Bob, and Joe too, this time," observed
that individual, addressing the conductor.
^^ Behind Bill and Joe !" cried the conductor, *' and no wonder,
nayther. An old file has been a havin' a game with me a comin' along,
makin me pull up at one place to tell me he wanted for to stop at
another. I should ony just like to 've had a fair kick at him ; that's
all the harm I wish him, I'll warrant he wouldn't be able to sit in
my buss a one while with any degree of comfort;" and having de-
livered himself thus, he proceeded into the house vnth the view of
drowning his cares in a pint of porter.
After remaining in this spot for about three minute8,*-dnring which
time the passengers had been engaged in the expression of the most con-
flicting opinions, having reference mimediately to the subject which had
so much confused them the individual vnth the watch cried, ^* All
right !'' and the conductor resumed his professional position.
^^ Downing-street, please," said Valentine, assuming the voice of a
female.
** Yes, marm" said the conductor, who appeared to have got over it
a little ; but the passengers looked round and round with great curiosity.
They had not perceived the lips of either of the ladies move; but that
was attributed to the hct of its beine dusk. At all events, the sus-
picion which attached to the individuid who sported the wiry whiskers,
was not, in this particular instance, strengthened, and the omnibus went
on until it arrived at the comer of that street, tiie offices in which are
considered so extremely eligible.
The door was opened. The conductor stood holding it in his hand.
*^ Now, marm !" said'he, when he found that no one offered to alight.
" Downing-street, marm, if you please ! Is this 'ere another came V
^* Please bring a lamp to find a purse in the straw," said Valentine.
'^ Well, this IS pleasant !" observed the conductor, ^^ we shall get the
buss along by and by, p'raps, no doubt ! I wish people ud just keep their
pusses in their pockets. I aint got no lamps," which was a &ct ;
although one of which Valentine had no previous knowledge.
** 1 don't care !" said he, ^* I'll not get out without my money."
^' Then you must go a little furder till we gets to the shops," cried the
conductor ; who, after having' shouted '* All right !" began to mutter
away desperately, and to give indications of something being, in hit
view, decidedly ** all wrong."
Having turned the comer of Bridge-street, he politely procured a
lantern, and, on opening the door, cried, ** Now, tlien, where's this
puss?"
^' Here," said Valentine, throwing his voice to the extreme end of the
vehicle, and the conductor thence proceeded, treading, of course acd-
dentaUy, but not very lightly, upon the toes of the passengers during
his progress, when having at length arrived at the spot, he knelt down
and searched with great perseverance among the straw.
VALENTINE VOX. 247
^ I can't see it no where abont. It isn't heie, marm T said he,
nusing his eyes to the lady at whose feet he had been so diligently
prosecuting the search. *^ Are you sartin you dropped it V
^* It does not bdons to me," replied the lady addressed.
**Then it's yours?" enquired the conductor, of the lady who sat
opposite.
** Oh 1 dear me, no, it's not mine !"
*^ Well there's no other lady in the buss !" cried the conductor, ^^ it
must belong to one on yer, any how ! Who does it belong to, ony say ?
Who told me to pull up at Downing Street ?"
'^ Not I," said one of the ladies. *' Nor did I," said the other.
** Well, then, what d'yer mean !" cried the conductor. " This here's
a nice game, and no mistake /" And he looked very fierce, and gmm-*
bled very naturally ; and as another oppo^tion buss passed as he retired,
he gave it as his opinion, that in this, his extremity, it was enough to
drive a man to make a hole in the water.
^^ What's in the wind now. Bob !" shouted the driver.
^^ What's in the wind !" echoed Bob. ^* I've a nice load this journey,
and no mistake about it. They're only bavin' a lark."
^' A lark I" ezdaimed the driver. '^ We can't stop for larks !" and
with great impartiality he lashed both his horses, apparently that one
miffht not Liugh at the other, and they flew over the bridge as if unable
to forget it.
' Marsh Gate!" cried Valentine, \* Stop at the Marsh Gate !"
The conductor descended from his emmenoe to the steps beneath, the
door, and having introduced his head into the omnibus, in which he saw
his *^ nice load ' in a convulsion of laughter, said, with a drollery of
expression which was of itself irresistible, '^ Now, is this another game,
or ain't it, ony say ? Does any body want to get out at the Mash
Gate r
^^ Did I not say the Marsh Gkte !" replied Yalentine, assuming a
tone which seemed to be indicative of some slight degree of anger.
^^ Oh ! very well, sir, very well 1 I ony i^ed ! There am't much
harm in that, I wppose /"
Thery reached the gate in question, and the omnibus stopped. **Mash
Chite! cried the conductor, "Now then, sir, Mash Gate! What
another dodge !" he continued, on perceiving that no one attempted to
move ; '' Oh ! Its all very fine, but I don't stop no more, you know,
for nobody : that's all about it ! All riffkt /"
The conductor kept his word. He would not stop. Valentine tried
him in vain. An individual was anxious to get out at the Obelisk ; but
although this was perfectly legitimate, he could make no impression at
all upon the conductor, who amused himself by quietly informing that
individual that he would take him right on to the Elephant and Castle,
without any extra charge ; and having reached his destination, he en-
quired very deliberately if they were perfectly satisfied with their
evening's entertainment, and, moreover, wished parti^arly to know if
they were going to return that same night, because, as he explained, if
248 LIFE junr abtsnturbs of
tbejr were, he would roAer ^if it Hiade no diffBrenoe at all to themr that
they pationised some other ^^ buss."
This sally had the efieot of inducine him to believe, that he really
had the best of it after all, and as Yuentine was by no means anxious
to diminish the pleasure with which this belief very OTidently teemed,
he passed through the merry group of passengers, who continued to
laugh with extraordinary zeal, and proceeded along the New Kent
Road, until he arrived at an inn, yokped the Brickhiyers' Arms.
Not being well acquainted with the locality of the plaee, he entered
a shop to make the neoessaiy enquiries ; and on being informed that he
was to take tlie first turning to the left, and the second to the right,
and then to keep straight on till he got to the top, he went down a
street which led to the bottom of the Grange Road, and which appeared
to be a spot to which the whole of the labouring poor of the metropolis
had sent all their children to play. He had never before beheld such a
dense mob of infants. They were running about in legions, shouting,
laughing, crying, fighting, pelting each othw with mud, tumbling into
the gutter, and scraping the filth off their habilimente with oyster shells
and sticks. Some ^ the young gentlemen, larger than the vest, had,
with biteof ragged packthread, hameesed others, whom they were driving
in the imaginary similitude of teams of prancing horses : some were
valiantly tucking up thdr rieeves, and givbg expression to their anxw^
that certain other young gentlemen, by whom they had been assaulteo,
would only just hit them again ; some were squatting near the base of
a highly popular piece of ardiitecture, while others whom they had
diosen as the most eloquent members of the corporation they had
fcMrmed, were importuning every passenger for a slight contribution,
and beg^g of him earnestly to ^^ remember the giotto." By fi
the most striking and apparently pleasurable species of amusement,
however, was the perpetual shaking of two bits of slate or broken
crockeiy, which by being placed ingeniously between the fingen did,
by dint of zealous exertion, produce a rattling which might in tiie dark
ages have been taken for the soul-stirring music of the Spanish castanets;
but, beyond all dispute, the great majority of the young ladies and
gentlemen were bawling, and running, and rolling about, without any
specific object, apparenuy, in view, save that of promoting the circulation
of their blood. Valentine had never in the course of his me seen so many
little children tosether. He could scarcely get along for th^ra I really
it was like walkmg through a flock of sheep.
He did, however, succeed eventually in wading through the swann ;
and having reached a certain point, which appears to be tiieir boundary,
he had notiiinff to do but to walk on and snift, for the air appeared to
have a scent different from that of any air he had ever before mhaled
a remarkable fiust which he was indiiMd to attribute to the children, but
which was in reality attributable to the tan.
On arrivingat the top of the Grange Road, he enquired for the resi*
deuce of Mr. lledger, and was directed to a dirty, old, dilapidated house,
which stood fifty feet from the road, and which appeared to have been
VAIBNTIKfi VOX. 249
erected in a hole. The gate was split in divers directions, and the rails
which once adorned it were crumbling deliberately away. Nearly the
whole of the windows were broken the apertures being filled up with
old rags while the tiles, the majority of which had au-eady fallen off,
appeiued to threatoi to split the heads of all who had the boldness to
Tcuture beneath them*
As eyerything, therefore, indicated penury and want, it was but
natural for Valentine to suppose that this could not be the residence
of the wealthy Mr. Pledger, and hence, on perceiving a little shop almost
immediately opposite, he crossed the road at once to enquire again.
^^ Can you tell me," said he, addressing a person behind the counter,
where Mr. Pledger lives ?"
Pledger ! over the way, sir," replied that person.
*^ I mean the Mr. Pledger," said Valentine, emphatically, ^^ the rich
Mr. Pledger."
^^Well, that's it; you can't make a mistake," replied the man.
^^ There is only one Pledger in Bermondsey."
'^ Oh, indeed ! ah, thank you," said Valentine, who be^n to be ex-
tremely apprehensive about the sum of twenty pounds, which he thought
it most unreasonable to expect that he should ever get there ; and it
must be conceded, that appearances were decidedly m fovour of the
irrational character of such expectation. Across the road, however, he
went, and having opened the gate of which the timber was particularly
rotten, while the hinges were remarkably rusty, he walked over the
space in front of the house very firmly, and knocked at the door very
boldly.
** Who's there ?" demanded the cracked voice of a female, after a
pause. *
'^ Is Mr. Pledger within ?" enquired Valentine.
*^ Yes; what do you want?" cried the female.
'^ I want," replied Valentine, '' to see Mr. Pledger."
The mild tones in which this appropriate information was conveyed
seemed to allay the suspicions of the female inside, for after drawing a
few bolts, and removing a few bars, and turning a few keyB with very
great apparent difficulty, she opened the door as far as the chain would
allow it to be opened ; and having taken a survey through the aperture
thus established, she made certain enquiries which had immediate
reference to the business in hand.
^' I wish to see Mr. Pledger," repeated Valentine, ^^ my business is
with him."
*^ Well, so I suppose," returned the female, somewhat piqued, and
having again exammed him minutely, and being eventually satisfied
that there was nothing very desperate in his appearance, she closed the
door, for the purpose of unhooking the chain, and Valentine was ad-
mitted into a most filthy passage, where he remained in the dark, untO
the woman had taken in his name and that of his uncle.
*' Well," thought he, ^^ this is rather a black beginning, but there
tna^f be something a little more lively inside."
K K
2o0 LIFE AND ADTENTURfiS OF
*' You may come in !" shouted the miserable looking woman, as she
returned with her rushlight ; and Valentine was accordingly ushered,
with the smallest possible ceremony, into a truly wretched den, which
appeared to be the kitchen, parlour, bedchamber, scullery, and all.
'^ Sit down," said Mr. Pledger, whose features bore some slight re-
semblance to those of a respectable fiend, newly whitewashed. ^^ Well,
what is your business V
" I have received," replied Valentine, " a letter, in which my uncle
states, that on applying to yon I shall reo^ve twenty pounds."
" Ah," said Pledger, pursing his lips, *' I have no authority for paying
you that sum. I can't do it without an order."
^' Will not this be a sufficient authority ?" said Valentine, producing
the letter, and pointing to the postscript.
Fledffer coolly drew nis spectacles from his forehead, and cocked them
upon his nose.
^* Five pounds," said he, having read the important postscript.
^^ Or not more than twenty," added Valentine. ** Twenty is the sum
that I want."
^^ Ah ; but this you know isn't an order. It should have been an
order to me to pay the bearer, and so on."
^^ But will not my acknowledgment do as well ?"
" No. How do 1 know that you are the person to whom this letter
is addressed ?"
*^ Do you take me for a swindler ?" exclaimed Valentine, fiocely.
* Do you think that I should make application for this money, if I
were not the person to whom this letter is addressed V
** I cannot tell ;" was the laconic reply.
*^ You cannot tell !" echoed Valentine, whose blood began to boiL
** Do I look like a swindler V
Pledger opened the drawer of the table at which he sat, and after
Bearching for some considerable time, produced a coin, which he breathed
upon, and rubbed very deliberately : he then drew forth another from
his pocket, and bavin? placed them before Valentine, said, ^^ Did you
ever see two coins look more like each other V*
*^ That has nothing to do with me !" cried Valentine, very angrily;
** I came to you on business."
** I see that you are too hot to answer this question. I will answer
it for you. They seem to have been struck from the self-same die to
be equally valuable. To all appearance they are precisely alike ; and
yet one is a counterfeit ! Sir, I took that for an honest shilling : I was
deceived. What follows ? Why, that if I take you for an honest man,
I may be equally deceived. As nothing looks so much like a bad coili
as a good one, so no man looks so mum like an honourable man as an
accomplished villain. Were it not for the resemblance they bear to
each other, villany could never, to any great extent, succeed."
Valentine fdt that he was correct in this particular, and therefore be-
came more subdued.
*^ How then am I to know," continued Pledger, ** that you are an
VALENTINE VOX. 251
honest man- that you are really the person you represent yourself to
'* The poasession of this letter, I should think, would be sufficient-"
^^ Not at all I not at all ! You may have stolen that letter ^mark
me well !" he continued, on perceiving that Valentine was again getting
up in his stirrups, '* I say you marf have stolen it ! How am I to tell
that you have not V
Valentine indignantly crushed the letter into his pocket, and rose.
^ Don't be ra^ ! don't be rash, young man ! don't be rash I I'm
an older, a much older man than you. / have lived long enough to
know that no one can thrive in this world, who does not look upon
and deal with every man as a rogue, until he has proved him to be an
honest man. I don't mean to say that I believe you are one ; but I do
mean to say, I can't tell that you are not."
" Then, of course, you refuse," said Valentine, with impatience,
" to let me have this money ?"
" I did not say that. I am disposed to believe, in this instance, thai
all is straight-forward and correct. It is a risk, it is true ; but I am
inclined, notwithstanding, to run that risk at least I should have been
inclined, but that it happens that I have no money by me just now."
'' Had you told me that at first," said Valentine, ^' you might have
saved yourself all this trouble ;" and he again rose, and looked very
angrily at Mr. Fledcer.
*'^ Do you particumrly want the money ?" enquired that gentleman.
'^ Of course I do, or I should not have come here."
^^ Well, if you want it particularly now, you can draw upon me if
you like for three months."
^' Draw upon you !" said Valentine, who was ignorant of the meaning
in this case, of that popular term ^' Draw upon you ?"
'* Aye ; I've no objection to give you my bill for the amount."
^^ And of what use would that be to me ?"
*^ Of what use I Why certainly of no other use than this, that you
could get it cashed immediately."
" Where?" enquired Valentine. " Who would do it?"
" I don't know whether you are aware of it, young gentleman, but
my bill is as good as a bank note, sir ! Any man in we habit of doing
bills, will do mine."
" But I know of no man who is in the habit of doing biUs."
^' Well, in that case I tell you what 111 do : I have got, I think, as
nearly as possible, twenty pounds in the house, which I must of neces-
sity pay away to-morrow ; but as I am anxious to do the utmost in my
power to oblifle your unde and I suppose that by obliging you, I shall he
also obliging him, draw the bill for twenty pounds, d^uct the discount,
and I wiU give you the money now. It strikes me very forcibly thai
a friend of mine will be able to get it done for me in the morning."
" Well," thought Valentine, ^^ this is certainly better," and according
to dictation he drew Uie bill. '^ Now," said he,'^^ what am I to deduct
for discount ?"
252 LIFB AND ADTENTURGS OF
^^ Oh, the usual business : fifteen per cent.," replied Pledger.
Valentine knew nothing about the ^' usual business," but he deducted
fifteen per cent, which reduced the amount to nineteen pounds five.
^' But you haye only deducted fifteen per cent, per annum^ said
Pledger.
^' 1 know it. Is not that correct V
^' No ; fifteen per cent, upon the amount ; that is to say, a shilling in
the pound, per month."
'^ Why that's sixty per cent !" returned Valentine ; ^^ I have then to
receive, instead of twenty pounds, only seventeen T
^ Exactly T replied Pledger, ^^ with a viUanous grin, ^^ deducting
two-and-sixpence for the stamp, and a penny which they always charge
for profit. 1 see you understand it."
^ ^^ But I don't understand. I think it most exorbitant/'
*^ And so it is," rejoined Pledger, *' so it is most exorbitant ; but
these people alwajrs are most exorbitant, always. The question amounts
simply to this : will it be worth your while to pay them for the ac-
commodation ?"
^' I had no idea that I should haye all this difficulty about the matter,
and I am sure that my uncle had not. I fimcied the money was due."
^' I know it's due," replied Pledger ; ^* I don't dispute that. But
then, what's to be done ? You want the money, and I have not got
it ; and a man without money can't pay ! The question therefore is,
wUl it answer your purpose better to give a shilling in the pound, per
month, for it now, or to wait until I can pay, wnich will be in the
course of three months, I've no doubt."
Valentine could not wait three months, that was clear : he therefore
consented to take off the sixty per cent. ; when Pledger, delighted at
having made so good a bargain, proceeded to a cupboard, and Drought
forth an iron-bound box, which he placed yezy carefblly upon the
table.
Of course Valentine knew not that this man had been a notorious
money lender himself^ ^that he had ruined more persons by discounting
biUs, than any other man alive, that he had obtained the whole of his
houses by insuting upon holding the titles as collateral security for dis-
honoured acceptances, and by goading the acceptors by renewals, ex-
tortion, and legal expenses, either to commit suicide, or to surrender
all daim to those titles, and that he had then become an abject, miser-
able miser, and had given up the recognized game of extortion, in
consequence solely of ms having become so distrustful, that he had not
'sufficient courage left to risk even a shilling. Of all this, Valentine
was utterly ignorant ; but there was something in the creature's coun-
tenance when he brought out the box which inspired him at once with
the conviction that he was, in reality, an usurious wretch ; and therefore
richly deserved to be frightened at least
well, he opened the box, and placed the back of it towards Valen-
tme, who comd tell in an instant by the sound, as the sovereigns were
cardfuOy extracted one by one, that the box was as nearly as possible
-^jV^Ai^^
VALSKTllfB VOX. 258
full, and that, therefore, in stating that he had but twenty pounds in
the house, the wretch had told him an abominable falsehood, with the
view of swindling him out of the sixty per cent. He therefore felt
that, as a matter of justice, he ought to be punished ; and having im-
bibed this feeling, which was not, under the circumstances, highly re-
prehensible, he cried, throwing his voice into the passage, just as ten
of the sovereigns bad been counted, ^' In this room ! now the door !"
Tlie effect upon the miser was electric. He instantly leaped up, as
if he had received a pistol-shot in his heart ; and in doing so, upset the
ricketty table. Down went the box, and away flew the sovereigns I^
five hundred, at least, were rolling in all directions upon the floor.
This was somewhat more than was anticipated by Valentine, who
smiled ; but the miser stood aghast ! trembling with the utmost
violence, and rolling his eyes from the door to the gold^ and from the
gold to the door, while his sister, who was not quite so utterly lost,
seized the broom as the miserable gir) whom they nominally kept, and
who displayed far more courage than either of them, peeped through
the keyhole of the door.
In tnis position they remained for some considerable time, as if utterly
unable to move hand or foot. Valentine, however, at length broke
silence by enquiring if he should assist in gathering up the gold.
" No, no, no !" cried the paralysed wretch, whom the question at
once restored to a state of consciousness, and he placed his skinny hand
upon the shoulder of Valentine, as if in order to compel him to remain
in his seat. He then flew to the cupboard, and bringing forth a brace
of pistols, thrust them hurriedly into the hands of Valentine, and im-
plored him to shoot through the heart of the very first man that entered,
when, sinking upon the ground, he commenced at once picking up the
gold with unparsdleled zesJ and dexterity.
His sister stiU kepi near the door, her fears prompting her to fancy
that she heard strange breathings, divers delicate whispenngs, and an in-
finite variety of footsteps outside; while Valentine quietly amused
himself with watching the grasping exertions of the wretch upon the
ground, who still trembled as energetically as if he had been seized with
a violent fit of the ague.
At length he completed his task. The whole of the sovereign^- at
least all he could find were restored to the box, which he locked, and
placed securely in a hole up the chimney, when, dropping into a chair
by the side of Valentine, apparently hsdf dead, he enquired what was
best to be done.
^^ Be silent !" said Valentine, ^' let ns first see what they mean to do.
I am perfectly prepared to receive them."
" I thank you I I thank you ! I know that you are biave ! ^very
brave !" cried the miser, ^^ yonll be a match for them,-^I know you'll
be a match for them. Hark / lidn't you hear T*
^* No, no !" replied Valentine very firmly, and looking very valiant,
'^ I thiiJc the noise alarmed them. It strikes me they are j^ne. If
not, why let them come 1 they will meet with a wann reception."
25 4i LIFE AKD ADTEMTURES OF
The unflinching finnness exhibited by Valentine gradually inepired
the wretched trio with courage. The females withdrew from the door,
the table was raised, the miser resumed his old position, and Valentine
began in an ironical strain to congratulate him on the sudden acquisition
of 80 much wealth.
It is astonishing how much easier men find it to do evil than to bear
to be told of the evil they have done ; and it is equally astonishing that
men who can utter a series of straight-forward falsehoods, without a
blush, find it difficult to endure the punful process of conviction. Even
this wretched miser, dead as he was apparently to every feelinff which
actuates the human heart, save that of avarice, shrank from uie gaae
of Valentine ^whom he could browbeat before ^when he found that
that gaze was intended to convey to his sordid soul the impression, that
the ffusehood of which he had been guilty was now too apparent to
deceive.
^^ Well I" said Valentine, when the limbs of the wretch had in some
degree resumed their accustomed tranquillity ; ^* since it seems that you
have a little more money in the house than you expected, you will be
able to give me the twenty pounds in full V*
** No no," said the miser, *' at least, not now, not now well talk
about it : give a look up in the morning."
" Why, that," said Valentine, " will be very inconvenient."
" I cannot help it. I'm sorry for it, but cannot help it. I would
not touch that box again now for the world."
" Why you have nothing to fear," rejoined Valentine, who now felt
determhied to have the money ; '* I will still keep strict guard."
*^ I don't care," said the miser, ^^ It's safe where it is. It shall not
come out of that place to-night, if I know it."
'^ Indeed," thought Valentine, ''we'll very soon se^ about that."
And he rose from his seat, saying, '' Well then, I suppose that I must
call upon you in the morning."
" If you please," said the miser ; '' Yes, do."
'' Have you got it ?" enquired Valentine throwing his voice very dex-
terously into the chimney.
" I'm ruined I I'm ruined !" cried the miser. '' I'm ruined !" and he
darted, like lightning, across the room ; and having found the box,
of course, where he had placed it, he drew it fort^ and hugged it
fondly to his heart, shouting, '' Thieves I Fire I Murder 1 Thieves !
Thieves!"
His sister at this moment followed his example, ''Thieves! thieves!"
she cried, opening the window which overlooked a field ; but as the
room was at the back of the house, and they dared not go in firont, the
wind carried their voices from the road, and they gradually died away,
unheard.
" Where are the pistols V shouted Valentine. They were Ijrin^ upon
the table. He seized one in an instant, and having cooked it with an
air of invincible valour, let fly up the chimney.
Of course nothing but soot descended ; but it did the chimney good.
TALENTINB VOX. 255
for it was previously choked as nearly as possible up to the pot : it there-
fore cured that completely, and this was all the good it could do ; but
the bravery involved in the act so excited the admiration of the miser,
that he tUmoit relinquished the box to embrace him.
" Do you think that there could have been any one there ?" en-
quired Valentine, very mysteriously.
^* I heard a voice V cried the miser, ^' I'm sure I heard a voice !
Didn't you ?" he continued, addressing his sister.
" Of course I did I" replied that respectable female, vrith infinite
promptitude and spirit ; '* Do you think that I'm deaf? It's my belief
there's a man in there now."
*' If there be, he's a dead man," said Valentine, *^ if the pistol I dis-
charged contained a ball."
^^ Oh yes ! oh yes !" cried the miser, ^^ oh yes ! and a capital ball it
was too. It*s a pity it was fired off for nothing."
^* It if a pity, when you come to think of it, said Valentine.
^^ That powder too : powder costs a deal of money ; it's very expen-
sive, very."
^^ Well," said Valentine, apparently in the act of departing an act
which he had really no intention to perform, without having the snm of
twenty pounds in his pocket-'^ I suppose that I can be of no more
service now ?"
** Stay, stay I" cried the miser. *^ Pray do not go yet. Stay a quarter
of an hour longer ; but a quarter of an hour !"
*^ I really cannot," returned Valentine, " if I'm to come up here again
in the morning.''
* Well stay ! ^1*11 give it you now 111 give it you now. Only
stop."
Of eoune Valentine stopped ! He had not the least intention of going,
until he had gained possession of that which he came for. He there-
fore sat down again, withbut a second invitation, and displayed a very
laudable anxiety to come to the point at once. *'^ You mean, of course,"
said he, ^ to pay me now in full."
" Well, well ; but you must take me off discount."
** What, sixty per cent !" exclaimed Valentine.
'^ No no !" said the miser, " 111 be satisfied with ten. You must take
me off ten ?"
^^ As the money is due, I don't feel myself justified in consenting even
to that. But, perhaps," he added, rising again, *' I had better look up
in the morning."
** No no," said the miser, still dreadfully alarmed ; " 111 not trouble
you ; no. 111 not trouble you. But really you must take me off five !
It's a regular thing, you know, quite quite a regular thing."
* Well, you'd better settle tliat with my Uncle, when you see him.
He understands more about the business than I do."
** -Well, well ; I suppose I must. Hush !" he exclaimed, and having
listened most attentively for several seconds, he opened the box
All was silent. He would not suffer one of the sovereigns to click
256 LIFE AND ADYBirTUREa OF
against another. He drew them out one by one, very carefully, and
very reluctantly ; and having counted them ever again and again, locked
liis box and said, '^ There, there are twenty."
Valentine had been in the habit of counting money only when he
paid it away ; but in this particular instance he felt that, as a matter
of common justice to himself he ought to adopt the same plan when
he received it. He therefore did count it : he counted it twice as the
sovereigns were lying on the table, and the result was a natural result,
under the circumstances, seeing that there were but nineteen.
^' There's one short," said he, eyeing the miserable doe, ^' only one."
*^ Dear me, I thought I counted twenty, I'm sure !" cned the wretch,
with a villanous smirk, and he counted them aeain, and again, for the
show of the thing, and then added, ^^ Why there are but nineteen I
How singular I"
" Very 1" said Valentine, sarcastically, " Very /" and he looked at
the wretch as he reluctantly drew forth the twentieth, with ati ex-
pression which seemed to confuse him a little. He nevertheless counted
them over again, being firmly determined not to suffer him to reap, even
from sleightnof-hand viUany, the smallest advantage; and having satis-
fied himself as to the correctness of the sum, he surveyed the wretched
group with a feeling of disgust.
There sat the miser, whose soul seemed to have sunk beneath the
weight of his iniquities, trembling and groaning under the lively ap-
prehension of losing that which, to him, was intrinsically valueless,
seeing that, with the means of procuring all the luxuries, he denied
himself even the common necessaries of life ; and while his sister, the
very type of sordid wretchedness, sat, with her elbows upon her knees,
and her chin upon her hands, in a chair, the ragged horse-hair of
which, that once formed its plump bottom, hanging down to the floor,
the poor girl, whom fate had doomed to live beneath the same roof, lay
miserably huddled up in one comer of the room, starving, absolutely
starving in the midst of wealth !
Valentine sickened at the sight, and therefore put on his hat.
^' Must you go V said the miser. ^
" I must," replied Valentine.
^^ Well, well !" said the miser, seizing the pistol that was loaded,
^' do carry this for me till you get to the door. My hand trembles*
I'm sure I can't take a true aim. '
Valentine carried the pistol accordingly, and after an infinite deal of
listening, they reached the outer door, which was no sooner opened
than he fired the pistol off, which so alarmed the trembling wretch^
that he closed the door instantly, shutting his unsuspected tormentor
outside.
^' What shall I do with the pistol?" thought Valentine.
He had not to think long. He dashed it at once through the window,
and departed ; while the feelings with which the inmates were ini^ired
by the rattling of the glass, were questionless very lively, but not very gay.
VALENTINE VOX. 257
CHAPTER XXXII.
THE FIRST CONCERT OIYEN BT THE NATIVE TALENT ASSOCIATION. ^
Valentine had from childhood been extremely fond of music. He
was unable to play upon any instrument; he knew nothing of the
technicalities of the science, nor had he the slightest wish to know.
Tlie enchanting effects were sufficient for him ; ho cared not to study
the minutisB of the cause. Having had, however, an ardent desire at
one period to become acquainted with musical men, that desire had
been gratified to no inconsiderable extent, and he for some time enjoyed
their society, being delighted with their apparent simplicity of soul ;
but the charm which their companionship primarily imparted was
quickly broken, when their prevailing characteristics were laid open to
his view. He found them reckless, gay, improvident, polite, but
not one was ho able to point to as being a really virtuous man. He
was aware of course that virtue in classes was difficult to be found, but
although in every other class he had perceived it shining brightiy in
the actions of individuals, he had never had the pleasure to meet a
professionally musical man, whose private character would bear even a
superficial investigation. As men they were indolent and dishonour-
able ; as husbands they were faithless; as fathers they were heartless;
as friends they were envious and insincere.
Valentine had in all probability been unfortunate in his introductions
to these musical people, seeing that doubtless he might have been in-
troduced to some who were really good men ; but naving been in a
position to analyse the characters of many from the highest to the
lowest in the profession, it was but natural for him to infer from the
result of his experience, that however kind, generous, and amiable they
might appear, they were all at heart equally hollow.
This consideration, however, by no means subdued the ardour of his
passion for music, and he was anxious to do all in his power to promote
its cause, by the cultivation of a musical taste among the people, it
being, to him at least, manifest, that nothing could have a more power-
ful tendency to soften their tone, to counteract their bad passions, or to
induce that refinement in popular pleasures which is so absolutely essen-
tial to a high state of civilization. It is true, that when this v^as placed
in juxtaposition with the view which he entertained of the private
characters of professionallv musical men, they at first appeared inimical ;
but when he looked at the mode of life so peculiar to those creatures,
when he saw the temptations to vice and ^honour with which they
were perp^ually assailed, and perceived that if their minds were not
indeed too weak to make any resistance to those temptations, they ex-
hibited no inclination to resist them ; when he found that every thing
bearing even the semblance of domestic happiness was their abhorrence,
and that all they had to talk about, or cared to talk about, or even
seemed to have the ability to talk about, was music mixed up vidth in-
trigue, he very soon became convinced that their characters were not
LL
258 LIFE AND ADTSNTITRES OF
formed by music, but in spite of its softening influence, by their per-
nicious communication with those by whom vice and dishonour in
every shape are applauded.
Now it happened, that at this particular period of our history, a
great outcry was raised about what was then yclept native talent.
The court was denounced ; the aristocracy was denounced ; the whole
country was denounced because native talent failed to be patronised
with commensurate liberality. Cargoes of foreign artistes were im-
ported from time to time, and exported with wreaths of laurel and
purses crammed with British gold, to the great discouragement of na-
tive talent. At the Royal Concerts none but foreigners were engaged ;
at the soirees of tlie nobility none but foreigners were engaged, while
every theatre in which foreigners were not engaged was empty; in feet,
native talent appeared to be in such a dreadfid state, that they who
possessed the real and recognized ability to snatch it from contempt^
crossed the Atlantic ^it being well understood that the Americans up-
held native talent, which wbs certainly much to their credit ^while our
citizens gloried in being jammed in the pit, or stewed to rags in the
gallery of the Opera, to near that which they could by no means under-
stand, with the view of having it in their power to speak with enthu-
rnnam of the briUiancy of the prima donna, wad the 8ttrpang riohne
of the prime buffo, and to explain how they adored- You know wochee
poke afar; and how deeply they were enamoured of Dye pUch her my
balsam core.
Such being the lamentable state of the case then, certain highly influ-
ential and remarkably staunch musical individuals, entertaining an ex-
tremely laudable anxiety to rescue native talent from the impending doom
of extinction, conceived the idea of establishing a Native Talent Associa-
tion, with the view of getting up a series of native talent concerts, at
which nothing of course but native talent should be developed ; and
having perfected their project, they proceeded to carry it at once into
execution, in order to prove that, although foreign talent might then be
the rage, native talent was of an infinitely superior caste, and, therefore,
ousht to be more liberally patronised by a truly enlightened British
public.
Accordingly, the first of the series was announced, and Valentine
having purchased a ticket, attended. The room was crowded. He at
first saw no prospect at all of obtaining a seat; but having secured one
at length near the orchestra, he commenced a perusal of the programme
which had been given to him at the door. It began with a proepectua,
and that prospectus read well ; very well ; ^it promised much, it is
true; but it promised no more than might vnth ease have been per-
formed. He was therefore delighted with the prospectus; but how sreat
was his astonishment, when, on looking below he found that nouung
but German and Italian pieces were to be sung! " Is this," thought
he, ^^ intended to develope native talent I Why, at best, it can be but
the native talent of imitation ! Here we have a selection of Italian
and German music to be sung by English singers, after the fashion of
the Italians and the Germans, and that with the view of inspiring an
VALENTINE VOX. 259
appreciation of native talent T He of course, and very naturally, felt
that this ought not 'to be ; and as he wished most sincerely to promote
the cause which its more active advocates, doubtless with the best pos-
sible intentions, had laboured with so much zeal to injure, he felt him-
self bound, as one who possessed the power to warn them with effect
against the course they were pursuing, to impress upon their minds
that the act of imitating the singing of foreigners, however excellent
that imitation might be, developed native talent no more than the act
of imitating the language of foreigners, and that instead of inducing
a higher appreciation of native talent, its tendency was to depreciate it,
seeing that it raised foreign talent in public estimation.
This to Valentine appeared to be indisputable; and while he was
endeavouring to decide upon the course, which under the circumstances,
he ought to pursue, the band commenced the overture to ZauberfloUy
and certainly went through it very well. The audience applauded ve-
hemently, and demand^ an encore, which was of course extremely
grateful to the feelings of the performers in the aggregate ; and while
they were taking snuff with due gusto and effsct, the conductor veiy
quietly winked at the leader, who as quietly winked at the conductor in
return.
Having enquired of a polite old gentleman who sat in his immediate
vicinity, V alentine ascertained that the projector of the scheme was the
identical individual who on this occasion wielded the baton, and as he
felt that he was, therefore, the man whom he ought to address, he fixed
his eyes very intently upon him.
Now the visage of this individual was extremely long, and strongly
marked, and pale in proportion. His hair was black ; and while it was
parted in front with the utmost nicety, it hung in wild ringlets upon
his shoulders. He had on an undeniable black satin stock, figured
delicately with very little lillies, and studded with three remarkably
suspicious-looking Brobdignagian brilliants. An eye-glass attached to
a piece of black ribbon was stuck with consummate ingenuity between
his left cheek bone and brow ; and a gold coloured cham of surpassing
circumference was really very tastefully arranged over a white satin
yest. His coat was of course a full dress coat, an indigo blue coat^
with black velvet collar, silk facings, and figured silk buttons, and while
his left hand was adorned with a delicate French white kid glove, the
taper fingers of his right were embellished with a variety of rings^
which he positively felt himself bound to display as much as possible.
Valentine could not avoid smiling as he inspected this elegant, fan-
tastic, and really fascinating creature; but as the overture was now
again brought to a conclusion amidst thunders of applause, he was on
the qui vive. A rattling Italian buffo song stood first upon the list,
and as he perceived a professional genius stepping forward to do execu-
tion on the same, he very naturally conceived that it was then the time
for action.
Well ! the symphony commenced ; and as the professional gentleman
whose uvula appeared to be down, was a-hcming witli unprecedented
violence, Valentine throwing his voice behind the exquisite conductor,
260 LIFE AKD ADTSNTURBS OF
who was then at the piano-forte, ran up and down the scale in anch a
singularly unprofessional fashion, that all eyes were directed towards
the spot in an instant.
^^ Hist ! hist ! *' hissed the conductor, looking very sharply round,
*^ Hish ! hUh r But Valentine kept on- changing the key for the ex-
press accommodation of each particular roulade with a perseverance,
which under any other circumstances certainly would have been highly
reprehensible.
The conductor became indignant, and cried '' hish ! hiih ! " with
greater vehemence than before. It seemed perfectly clear to him, that
there was some one very near him in a truly provoking state of in-
ebriety. But who was it? He could not tell. He took the glass
from his eye, for as he could see better vnthout it, he thought it highly
probable that that might have theretofore prevented the discovery upon
which he had set his soul. But no, he saw the instrumental people
looking with amazement at each other, and the bosoms of the vocalists
swelling with scorn ; but he could see nothing more : nothing more.
He tried back : he recommenced the brilliant symphony, and the stout
Tocal genius, who felt much confused, for he could not at all understand
it, again plucked up his courage and his collar to begin, when Valentine
introduced a very admirable imitation of the French-horn. In an
instant every eye was upon the French-horn players, who were zea-
lously engaged in amputating their instruments, with the laudable view
of pouring out the concentered perspiration, which the performance
of the overture had induced. It could not have been them. That was
clear. The conductor looked at them ! No : their instruments were
in bits. This was held to be most extraordinary ; but Valentine did
not stop to wonder much at it, but proceeded to give excellent imita-
tions of a variety of little instruments until the conductor became so
enraged, that he started from his seat, and looked round with an ex-
pression^of indignation, the most powerful his strongly marked features
could portray.
The harmony produced by Valentine ceased, and all was sUent. The
audience were amazed, they were utterly unable to make it out ; but as
anon they began to hiss vnth unequivocal zeal, the conductor, who
looked as if he couldn't really stand it much longer, bounced down upon
his stool, and struck the chord with an energy altogether unparalleled
in musical annals.
The vocal genius became nervous. The truth flashed across his
mind, that in this world men have not the choice of their own posi-
tions. He would clearly not have chosen that in which he then
stood, for it certainly was a most unpleasant position. He slightly
trembled : Valentine saw that he trembled, and pitied him nay he was
eventually so far melted as to suffer him to go through his Largo
Factotum,
The style, however, in which he accomplished this song was parti-
cularly droU. It was abundantly manifest that the gemus did not
know the meaning of a word he had to utter, and equally manifest was
it that he didn't want to know : all he cared a single straw about, was
" '~
. ^ &!!ujWi_^
- ^/, . /u/.,/,-ir.;,,, . /,,,a/,-,,
y.,^; f.p^^v.^.
ft '
I
YALSNTINB TOX. ^261
an imitation of the Yoiee and gestures of the particniar primo buffo,
'whom at the opera he had heard sing the piece with great applause,
and as the gestures which he laboured to imitate were remarkably
extravagant, the whole exhibition was a caricature of the most gross
and ridiculous caste.
This Valentine held to be monstrous, and felt it to be incumbent
upon him to express his extreme dissatisfaction, when the features of
the genius who during the applause had smiled blandly as he bowed
underwent a most extraordinary change as he retired.
^' Native talent !*' cried Valentine, throwing his voice into the middle
of the room, *' Is this the development of native talent ?"
The conductor stared wildly, and so did the whole of the gentlemen
in the orchestra ; but although two or three individuals cried ^^ silence l"
in a very authoritative tone, the majority of the audience were so
powerfully struck with the novelty of the question, that they glanced
at the programme-, and looked at each other very mysteriousfy, and
really began to consider it an extremely proper question, and one vrhich
ought therefore to be answered.
'^English music! English music!'* again shouted Valentine, and
the audience now responded to the shout with loud cheers, which caused
the conductor to shrug his shoulders and pass his taper fingers through
his curls, and to open his eyes very "widely, and to look altogether re-
markably odd. He, however, said nothing ; but began to play the
symphony of an Italian tcenay as Valentine repeated his demand for
English music, the propriety of which was acknowledged by the
audience again.
Several gentlemen who were stationed near the orchestra, and who
appeared to be members of the native talent committee, now conferred
with the conductor, who after the conference came forward and said
with due emphasis, ^^ Ladies and gentlemen : if there be any person in
the room at all dissatisfied with die performances, his money will be
returned on application being made at the doors."
This was fair, very fair : nothing in fact could have been fairer, but
this was not at all what Valentine desired : he wished to make them
imderstand that mere imitations of the Italians could not tend to the
development of native talent, and therefore cried ^^ No : the money is
not what we want : we simply want English music!" and as this was
agun hailed with loud cheers, the conductor again conferred with the
gentlemen of the committee, and during the conference, Valentine was
occupied in assuming various voices, and sending them in various parts
of the room expressive of an anxiety to open the eyes of those gentle-
men, that they might clearly see the course which they ought to pur-
sue; and eventually their eyes became opened: they appeared to be
enlightened on the subject as if by magic ! ^but what was to be done?
the singing people had studied those pieces for the occasion, and
although they had questionless the ability to sing others, it was held to
be uni^e for the experiment, without notice, to do tried. They there-
fore pretended to be still completely blind to the propriety of the^ sug-
gestion, a course which Valentine held to be remarkably stupid, inas-
262 LIFE A2n ADVSNTimBS OF
much as tbey had bnt to announce that the eiror would in ftituie be
rectified, and the concert might have gone on without any further
interruption ; but as it was, as the committee were still stubborn, and
as the conductor, who didn't like it, as the selection had been left to
him ^began to look extremely big, and to shake his head angrily, and
to purse his lips contemptuously, and to frown and pitch flie music
about the orchestra, uid knock down the stands in the fulness of his
rank official pride, of course Valentine felt determined to bring him to
his senses, and therefore again loudly demanded a display of native
talent.
" Ladies and gentlemen I" said the conductor, stepping again in
front of the orchestra, after indulging in an additional series of really
unbecoming airs,'* If any rival society has employed noisy persons to
inteiTupt the performances of the evening"
^^ No, no !" shouted Valentine, '^ no, no ! We are simply anxious
to promote the cultivation of native talent !" And as loud cheers fol-
lowed this appropriate explanation, the conductor felt it to be a duty
incumbent upon him to be signally savage, and he retired to the piano
forte, and struck a variety of chords with unprofessional violence ; and
after amusiug himself in this way for several seconds, he commanded A
female to come forward in order to sing the next ic&na. Tlie lady did
not much approve of the tone which the conductor had assumed in this
particular instance ; but she nevertheless glided very gracefully forward
with a dirty piece of music in one hand, and m. the other a lace-edged
faan^erchief pinched precisely in the middle ; but she had no sooner
reached the f^ont rail of the orchestra, than Valentine introduced *
highly correct imitation of the trombone.
This the oonduotor very naturally conceived to be dreadful, and he
therefore began to pere^ire with rage. He thought it quite enough^
and so it was quite enough-^that the audience were against him; but the
idea of his own instrumental performers having joiuM in the opposition
made his blood bubble up ! He therefore instantly turned towards the
professional individuals who performed on the delicate instrument in
question, and discovered them in the very act of enjoying a quiet pindi of
snuff together in the utmost amity. The trombone nevertheless did ap-
parently continue to sound. This he thought more extraordinary still 1
He couldn't tdl, he didn't know, what to make of it at all. It was
clearly not the men whom he had suspected, and yet -well : the trom-
bone ceased, but at that particular moment another most unpleasant
sound broke upon his ear ! The majority of the audience were roaring
with laughter ! and that too at him 1 This he held to be extremely
inconsistent with the character of a British audience, and he conse-
quently felt quite confused.
^^Goon! Go on!'* exclaimed several voices in the distance; but
albeit these highly appropriate exclamations were benevolently intended
for his especial solace, they in reality did not console him at all.
The professional lady whose plume waved proudly about a foot and
a half tlbovQ her forehead, now became extxemdy fidgetty, and felt very
VALENTINE VOX. 263
awkward and very warm, and was about to retreat, when the con-
ductor struck a chord with unexampled desperation.
^' Retire !*' said Valentine, throwing a whisper just behind the fair
aftiste; and the lady, to whom the whisper appeared to be most
welcome, bowed and blushed, and retired accordingly.
'^ Madam !" cried the conductor, as she passed him, ^' remain."
" You requested me to retire,** said the lady.
^^ No such thing ! No such thing, madam. No such thing !" But
the lady, who felt much confused, without appearing to notice these
hasty observations, passed on.
The conductor now imagined and perhaps it was but rational for
him to imagine ^that it was a regularly planned thing ^that all in the
room had conspired against his peace. He therefore bounced up again
with the view of conferring with the committee, who saw plainly
that a very wrong course had been pursued; but then he didn't
see it, and couldn't see it, and wouldn't see it I The committee, how-
ever, at length insisted upon his expressing their sentiments on the
subject, when he accordingly, but with infinite reluctance, came for-
ward and said : ^^ Ladies and gentlemen : it appears to be the opinion
of the committee of management, that the fact of English artistes sing-
ing nothing but foreign music, tends rather to create a morbid taste for
such music, and to enhance it in the estimation of the public, than to
promote the cultivation of native talent, which is of course their chief
aim. I am, therefore, ladies and gentlemen, directed to state that as
this appears to be also your impression, ladies and gentlemen, if you
will be kind enough to permit the performances chosen for this evening
to proceed, as we are not exactly prepared on so short a notice to
change them, especial care, ladies and gentlemen, will be taken, that in
future, at these concerts, English music alone shall be suns."
The audience cheered this announcement. It was all they required,
and as Valentine wished for nothing more, the performances proceeded
without the slightest additional interruption ; although every piece
tended^to convince him and them more and more that the view he had
taken of the subject was correct, inasmuch as if it even were admitted
that those pieces were well sung, it must also be admitted that the
Italians sang them better, which alone had the effect of inspiring the
conviction of their superiority, instead of a due appreciation of that
style in which the English excel.
Valentine was therefore quite satisfied. He felt that he had inflicted
some pain by the confusion he^ had created ; but he also felt that
he had thus succeeded in accomplishing an excellent object, namely,
that of promoting the cultivation of native talent, by inducing English-
men, instead of imitating, and thereby enhancing the value of foreign
singers, to leave foreign talent to itself.
264 LIFE AND ADYENTURES OF
CHAPTER XXXIII.
IN WHICH WALTER AND BIS AMIABLE FAMILY HAYE A HIGHLY
CHARACT]
RELEASE.
CHARACTERISTIC C0NYER8ATI0N ON THE SUBJECT OF OOODMAN's
Although Walter had been gradually recoYering from the efiects of
the fire, he* was still extremely weak, and continued to be occupied
night and day by Nature, whose efforts to restore him to his pristine
complexion were accompanied by a certain cutaneous excitement which
he held to be particularly disagreeable. His appearance at this time
was indeed Yery singular : the skin on one side of his face being black,
while on the other it was as sanguine and shiny as that of a fair-haired
boy. This rendered it natural, perhaps, for him to amuse himself by
prematurely peeling off the deaA skin by inches, in order to re-establish
a facial uniformity. This was not, howoYer, the most interesting part
of his active occupation : by no means. While under the regimen
originally prescribed by the physician, his mind was comparatively at
ease ; but no sooner was he permitted to take somewhat more generous
food, and a glass or two of wine every day, with a view to the resto-
ration of his ph3rsical strength, than his vivid imagination began to
revel again in the creation of the most extraordinary phantasms which
failed not to afford him perpetual entertainment. Nor were the minds of
his amiable fetmily at this time unoccupied : their nights were spent in
dreaming, and their days in relating those dreams to each other, for the
purpose of ascertaining and establishing the most approved interpret-
ation thereof. The house of Walter was therefore a very busy house ;
but the business of its inmates was unhappily not of a character cal-
culated to increase their joy. On the contrary, their spirits were
dreadfully depressed : even those of the volatile Horace albeit he still
retained his vulgarity ^sank several degrees below par ; for while con-
finement did not meet his views, three somewhat severe attacks of fever,
induced by his going out too early, and drinking too freely, had con-
vinced him that such confinement, how unpleasing soever it might be,
was absolutely essential to his perfect restoration.
Of course every member of the fiunily was now acquainted with
the manner in which Walter had disposed of poor Ooodman, and the
female portion failed not to ascribe the whole of their recent misfortunes
to that.
*' I am sure/' said Mrs. Horace, one evening when the fiimily, for
the first time since the accident, were having tea in the parlour, *' I
am perfectly sure that we shall never have a moment's peace of mind
until uncle is released firom confinement."
^^ I am quite of your opinion, dear," observed Mrs. Goodman, '^ for
we really have had nothing but misfortune and misery since ; and I am
fully p^snaded by the tnuy firightfnl dreams I have had of late, that
we can expect no comfort, no happiness, no peace, so long as he remains
whexe he is."
Tl -
TALBKTINE VOX. 2^5
** Then I deserve all I've ^i, I suppose ! You regard it as a species
of retributive justice/' cried Walter with a scowl.
** No, no, my love ! I did not say that.'*
*^ Didn't say it ! I know you didn't say it ; but you mean it never-
theless."
^^ All I mean to say is this/' rejoined his wife with unusual firmness,
^^ that the horrible dreams I have had of late convince me that until he
is released, we shall have nothing but misfortune; and it reaUy is
very dreadful that he should be thus imprisoned, you know, when you
come to think of it."
*^ Tlio only question at issue," said Horace, '^ is this, ^will the old
boy's release tend to improve our position ? That's the only point now
to be considered. Never mind about dreams, because they are all
rubbisli, and may be produced by pickled salmon or stewed cheese ;
let us look at the thing as it stands, thus :- what wUl be the effect of
his release upon us ?" /
'^ Why this 1" replied Walter, " we shall be at once reduced to a
state of absolute beggary."
'^ Well, in that case, you know," rejoined Horace, " there can't be
two rational opinions about the conclusion at which we ought, as
reasonable beings, to arrive."
" Well, I'm sure," said Mrs. Horace, " that for my part 1 had
rather be poor and happy, than live in such continual misery as
this."
" Poor and happy !" cried Horace, " It's all very fine. I might
say the same thing : / might say, oh, I'd much rather live* poor and
happy : O yes ! but who s to do it ? Had we been reared with the
heavy hand of poverty upon us, we should probably not be much
Btartied by her slaps, because a thing, you know, is nothing when you
are used to it ; but fancy yourself now in a state of destitution ! I know
that I should be walking into the jugular, or perpetrating some other
sanguinary business ; while you woidd be flying off the Monument, or
pitching head first over Westminster bridge ; and then how would you
bringit in ? not, * poor and happy !' "
^^ But I'd work the very flesh off my bones, rather than continue to
live as we do now."
^* Work the flesh off your bones !" echoed Horace contemptuously.
** How could you get it to do ; and if you did get it, how could you
do it? and what do you fancy you are fit for? I might say that I'd
work the very flesh off my bones ; but who'd emplov me ! That's the
point; and then what could I do? While thousands upon thousands,
who are capable of performing the various jolly littie offices of life are
unemployed, how can I, who Know nothing at idl about anything, hope
to walk over their heads ? I know better, you know ; it's all stuff."
^*It certainly would, I must confess," said Mrs. Goodman, "be a
very dreadful thing to be reduced ; but do you really think we should
be so utterly destitute V
^' Nobody can doubt it for a moment," replied Horace; ^^ for what
resource hav^ we? What have we got to fly to ? The governor has
M M
2C6 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
given up his berth, which I have said all along he onght not to have
done ; and then what are my prospects ? I have no profession !- we
have nothing to look to." ,
^^But don^t jrott really think," said Mrs. Goodman, addressing her
husband, " that we might manage it so as to set him fipee, and yet be
as well off at least as we were ?"
"How absurdly you talk !" replied Walter. ** Why any one would
think you were an idiot ! What on earth have I to hope for from him?
Suppose, for a moment, that I were to release him; what would be the
consequence? He knows that I placed him where he is; the house in
which he lived of course is clean gone, and I have sold all hb furniture.
Well ! ho comes out. I am the first man to whom he applies. He
cannot proceed criminally against me, because the certificate of the doc-
tors had the effect of taking from me the whole of the responsibility of
the seizure; but ho demands the restitution of his property, and how is
it possible for me to meet that demand ? A great portion of that pro-
perty is not now in my possession; ho has, therefore, but to bring an
action against me, and my ruin is complete. But let us take the most
favourable view of the case. Suppose he insists only on the restoration
of his papers. They are restored ; and he, as a matter of course, in-
stant]^ discards us. What then are we to do ? I have no property^
no income. We must starve. Any assistance from him were alto-
gether out of the question. He would have, of course, nothing what-
ever to do with us. How should , we act in that case ? We could
not act at all ; we should go to the dogs."
" Of course I" cried Horace. " And that's the very bottom of it. We
can't be such fools as to believe that he wouldn't at once cut us dead.
He might not, as the governor fciys, proceed you know legally but
blister this itching !" he added rubbing his back against the chair very
violently, and making up a very extraordinary fiice. " I shall mb idl
the flesh off my bones: I know I shall; and now the old governor's
at it ! Well, what was I saying ? Come, come I I must rub if yon
do. If it were not for you, I shouldn't do it at alL You put me in
mind of it. Come, I say, governor ! Give it up, come ! I cannot
think of anything while you keep rubbing away thus." And really
the process of iteming is a very extraordinary process. It amounts to
a contagion. Mankind itch by virtue of sympathy ; and it is highly
probable that most living philosophers have observed that the power of
sympathy is extremely comprehensive ; but whether the profound ob-
servations of those philosophers have extended to this interesting parti-
cular or not, it is nevertheless true, that of this most extraor^naiy
power men are absolute slaves.
^*But do you not think now," observed Mrs. Goodman, **that if
you were to acknowledge that you have acted very wrong, and were to
throw yourself as it were at once upon his generosity, that **
^' Pooh !" exclaimed Horace. ^^ Grenerosity ! Fancy the govermnr
throwing himself upon any thing like the old boy's generosity 1 How
would he have to go to work ? Ill just tell you, and then you'll
know how it would sound : ' My brother' he would have to say
I
YALKNTINB VOX. 267
pollioff the longeat possible phis, ' my dear brother, I cocked you into
a madhouse, in order of course to swindle you out of your property.
You are not mad, my brother ; you noTsr were mad I know that re-
markably well; but notwithstanding into the lunatic den yon were
thrust, as indeed you are in all probability aware. Now, I really am
sorry, particularly sorry; I have sold the old house, sold the whole of
the furniture, pocketed the pecuniary chips they produced, and as
a matter of course, spent tlioee ohips liberally. My conscience, how-
ever, told me that I had done extremely wrong, and that I ought to
release you. I acted upon the suggestions of that unhappy wretch of a
conscience, and released you accordingly ; and now, my|dear brother,
having acknowledged my error, I throw myself upon your generosity.'
Now I know the old boy pretty well : I know him to be occasionaliy
rather of the warmest ; but leaving what he would be likely to do for
a moment out of the question. 111 just explain to you how / should
act in a case of the kind mjrself :-^In the first place, then, I should
secure all the papers, and having secured them, I should say, ^Now I
tell you what it is :* you're my brother ^more's the pity ^but as you
are my brother why I don't want to ruin your prospects in life ; but
if you don't leave the room before I can lift up my foot, I'll do my
best to kick you into the autumn of next year ; and if ever I catch you
near my house again, I shall consider it my duty on purely public
grounds, to hunt you at once from society.' * But I throw myself upon
your generosity !' you would exclaim, * I am sorry for what I have done,
dear brother : I cannot say more I ' ' Be oF I ' I should cry with cer-
tain highly appropriate epithets, * and never, by any chance, let me see
you ag^n ! ' That I should hold, vnthout any disguise, to be about
the most generous act of my life."
*' You are right ; you are right," said Walter, " quite right. No,
no, no ; it won't do. I am sorry, and that's a foct, sincerely sorry
I went so far; but I cannot now retreat: he must remain where
he is."
^'As a natural matter of course!" cried Horace. ''It would
never do now. Let him be. The old boy, I've no doubt, is as happy
as a Hottentot, and what can he want more ? The idea of his being
locked up there as an old lunatic is rather of the ratherest, certainly ;
but he'U soon get over that. And then they shouldn't have such laws.
Blister the laws ! they make it positively dangerous lor a man to bo
safe. Therefore, henceforth, lay all the blame upon the laws, and let
him remain. I don't suppose I can't suppose ho wants for any
comfort : I dare say they treat him as a friend of the family : at all
events we must not bring upon ourselves an uncomfortable load of
starvation, that's clear."
'' Well, I cannot but feel," said Mrs. Goodman, '' that we shall
never be happy again that wo shall never have anytliing but misery
and ill luck."
** And wliat sort of luck would that be which reduced us to a state
of destitution ?" rejoined Horace. *'* It strikes me that such luck
would be extremely rotten : it would not, at all events, be particularly
268 LIFB AMD ADTENTVRBB OF
brilKant ; and as for yonr miseries ! compare them with the miseries
with which abject poverty teems, and then say no more about it. We
of course have no practi^ knowledge of those miseries ; but it occurs
to me that they must be unpleasant m the extreme. It is true that if
we were thus reduced, the old governor, by trotting out daily with a
broom, might manage to pick up a few odd coppers ; and it is also true
that, by driving a cab, I might possibly obtain enough to buy bread
and cheese ; but when I take mto calm consideration all the rotten
ramifications of the buriness, I really don't think that it would answer
our purpose so well."
" No, no, no I" cried Walter, ^' it will not bear a thought. Come
what may, he must remain where he is."
And to this opinion, all of them eventually subscribed ; for, although
their dreadful dreams were recounted, and interpreted according to we
best book of fete, when the miseries which they had to endure then,
were fiurly weighed with those which Goodman's release would entail,
it was found that the former at once kicked the beam, and were there-
fore, of course, to be preferred.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
UMCLB JOHN ARRIVES IS TOWN, AND WITH YALENTINB ATTENDS TH
CIVIC PAGBANT AND FEAST.
On the evening appointed for Uncle John's arrival, Valentine went
to the inn, and the very first man whom he recognized there was the
waiter who had exhibited so laudable an anxiety to expel tlie invisible
burglars. Of this person he enquired how they eventually acted on
that remarkable occasion; and from him he ascertained tiiat it was
generally deemed the most extraordinary thing in nature, inasmuch as,
notwithstanding one policeman paraded the leads, while another v^as
stationed at the coffee-room door throughout the night, those burglarious
individuals could not be captured. ^^ In the morning,'' continued the
waiter, ^* we all thought they were still in the chimbley, you know, and
to tell you the truth, you know, I had a hidea that, having been smothered
in smoke, wo shoidd have found 'em a couple of corpses, you know ;
so what did we do, but we sent for a chimbley sweeper's boy, who
went up for to see into the merits of the case; but no, not a bit of it I
they were not there-^they were nowhere 1 However they managed
to cut away, you know, as they must have done some how or ano-
ther, is a mystery which can't be exploded."
Valentine smiled at the recollection of the scene ; but as the waiter
was about to give additional particulars, the coach rattled into the
yard. There sat Uncle John upon the box by the side*of Tooler, and
Valentine, without vraiting for him to alight, at once leaped upon the
wlieel and grasped his hand.
VALENTIinB VOX. 969
Uncle John was for a moment unable to speak. His heart was far
too full of joy ; and as he pressed the hand of his nephew with the
rarmth of affection, his eyes swam in tears.
'^ I am so pleased to see you 1" said Valentine.
' My boy I my boy I" cried the affectionate old gentleman, gazing
upon him as well as he coidd through his tears with an expression of
ecstasy, " God bless you ! God l)lees you I ^Why how you have
grown r he continued, afto a pause. ^' Your poor mother would
scarcely believe her own eyes !*'
" She is well, I hope V
^^ Oh, yes : quite well ! quite well \" and while ho answered, he
continued to gaze upon his ^ boy" in the fulness of affectionate pride.
He was then so happy that it singularly enough did not occur to him
that he was still on the box : nor woidd it in all probability have oc-
curred to him for the next half hour, had not Tooler addre^ed him on
the subject of his luggage.
^^ Well," said Valentine, when his uncle had alighted, ^^ what sort
of a journey have you had Y*
^^ You young dog, sir I" exclaimed Unde John, '' I never had such
a journey ! My hfe has been in jeopardy all the way. I have, as
nearly as possible fallen off that box twenty times ! How dare you
serve a man as you served poor old Tooler the day you came up, sir ?
He has told me all about it. I know that it was you I He has kept
me for the last forty miles in one continual roar. The idea ! and
then for him to fancy " Here he again began to laugh with so much
energy and spirit, that it was with difficulty he managed to point out
his ancient portmanteau and trunk. This feat was, however, eventually
accomplished, and the coachman came up ostensibly with the view of
expressing his most anxious solicitude, having reference to its being all
right.
Well, Tooler," said Valentine, " how is the witch T
** Oh I ^Ah I Yow were the young genehnan as were wi' me, sir.
How d'ye due ? We were puty nigh makin a muddle on't that time,
sir, wam't we ? the baggage !"
** Have you seen her of late V
^^ Oh bliumi her no, not very lately ; nor don't seems to want. She
out to be swum, sir I that ud cule her !"
^^ Qet away you young dog 1" said Uncle John, as he placed a half-
crown in Tooler's hand ; when as Valentine smiled, and as Undo Jolm
laughed, Tooler stared precisely as if he was unable to tell the meaning
of it exactly, while Valentine who had no disposition to enlighten him
on the subject, directed one of the porters to call a coach, into which he
and his uncle got with the luggage without any unnecessary delay.
On arriving at Valentine's lo^ng8, they found that everjrthing re-
quired had been duly prepared by tne attentive little widow ; the (ire
was blamng brightly ; the tea was quite ready, and a ham which had
been cooked for that particular occasion, stood prominently forward
embelUshed with an infinite variety of devices which had been cut out
of carrots and turnips with surpassing ingenuity, and truly artistical
270 LIFB AND ADTENTURBS OP
taste. Uncle John looked carefully round the room, and having ex-
pressed himself satisfied with the whole of the arrangements, drew the
sofa near the fire^ and sat deliberately down with the air of a man
having no other object in view than that of making himself quite at
home.
After tea^ Valentine presented him with a meerschaum, which he
had purchased expressly for that occasion, and which Uncle John ex-
amined and appeared to prize more highly than any other thing in his
possession. But before he commenced smoking, he insisted that Valen-
tine should enter into a compact of a serious character, the spirit of
which was, that the conversation should be confined that evening to the
extraordinary case of Goodman, for as he had akeady laughed enough
for one day, ho contended that he could not endure the relation of any
reprehensible tricks. This was accordingly understood and agreed to,
and on the subject of Qoodman's absence, they therefore conversed.
Uncle John felt quite sure that he should be able to find him, being
determined as he explained, to go at once to head-quarters, and witli
this conviction strongly impressed upon his mind, he eventually retired
for the night.
Now it happened that on the foUowing morning he had occasion to go
into the city, and it also happened that that very rooming was the morn-
ing of the 8th of November. For the city therefore, immediately after
breakfast, he and Valentine started, and on reaching Cheapside, they
heard Bow church bells ringing very merrily and firing very fiercely, and
hence naturally imagined that some civic business of importance was
about to take place. They had not proceeded far before they heard a lively
flourish of trumpets, and saw a long line of private carriages approach-
ing, some of which were extremely gay, preceded by certain official
individuals on horseback, having under tlieir immediate surveillance a
little legion of constables, of whom the majority were zealously occu-
pied in striking the noses* of horses attached to vulgar vehicles with
their staves, and commanding their drivers, in a duly authoritative tone,
to get out of the way down the back streets at once, if they vrished to
avoid the consequences of their official displeasure.
Of course Valentine enquired into the meaning of all this, and was
informed that the newly elected lord mayor was about to be sworn into
office : he also ascertained that none were admitted into the Guildhall
to witness the solemn ceremony, but those who had orders. *^ I should
like to be present exceedingly," said he, *'but then where are these
orders to be procured ?"
*^ Probably," suggested Uncle John, ^' we shall be able to get them
of Clarkson, upon whom we are now about to call"
To Clarkson's they therefore hastened, and after the business in hand
had been transacted, Mr. Clarkson sent out for an order at once.
*^ But you should go to the Lord Mayor's dinner," said that gentle-
man, when the messenger had departed. ^^That indeed would be a treat
if you never were there."
*' Is it possible," said Uncle John, ^^ for any but members of the cor-
poration to be admitted without a special invitation ?"
YALBNTINE VOX. 271
** Oh dear me, yes I Yon have but to procure a ticket of an alder-
man, or one of the common-council.*'
^' It unfortunately happens, that I have not the honour to be ac-
quainted with any one of those gentlemen," rejoined Unde John; ^^but
could I not purchase two, for me and my nephew, by implying at head
quarters ?"
^^ They are not to be purchased there."
** I'd give ten pounds for two of them to any man with pleasure."
^^ In that case," observed Mr. Clarkson, '* you have only to put an
advertisement to that effect into one of the morning papers, to be grati-
fied. Tho common-councilmen frequently dispose of them in that way.
But, now I come to think of it, it strikes me that there is a chance of
my being able to get them without any such expense. It is certainly
rather late; but I'u try 111 do my utmost. Leave your address. I
think that I may almost venture to promise."
** My dear sir !" cried Uncle John, " you can't conceive how much
obliged to you I should feel. Why, it would be to us tlie highest
treat in nature ! Val, write the address."
This was accomplished of course with great alacrity, and the mes-
senger having returned with tho order. Uncle John again explained
how highly he should esteem the promised favour, and proceeded with
Yaleutme at once to Guildhall, descanting with due eloquence on the
politeness of Mr. Glarkson.
On reaching the entrance, they found it surrounded by a number of con-
stables, who were watching with apparently intense interest, certain groups
of ratlier suspicious-looking young gentlemen, who wore their hats over
their eyes, that the back of their heads might be sufficiently well aired, and
one tastefully inverted curl immediately over each temple. Without en-
tering, however, into the spirit of the interest thus created. Uncle John
submitted tho order to a person in attendance, and they proceeded at once
into the body of the Hall, which then assumed an appearance very dif-
ferent from that which distinguished it when Valentine imparted appa-
rently speech to the civic giants. On this occasion, a great variety of
banners, shields, and other insignia were displayed with appropriate taste
in all directions ; and while on the left a number of workmen were
engaged, some in making all the noise they deemed essential to* the
manufacture of tables and forms, and others on taking the mock men
in armour out of blankets, with the view of placing them in the various
niches of the Hall ; on the right stood between three or four hundred
persons, who were occupied in looking, vnth great apparent curiosity,
at about fifty solemn individuals, in gowns trimmed with fur, who
were sitting with appropriate grace and gravity on either side of an
open space, at the upper end of which stood a large arm chiur, behind
an ancient and dirty little table.
^ Who are those gentlemen ?" enquired Valentine, of a person who
stood near him.
^^ Tho common councilmen, " replied that person ; '^ they are waiting
for the Lord Mayor and aldermen, who are now in the council chamber
up them there steps."
272 LIFB AND ADTENTURBS OF
At thb intereetiog moment, snndry hiffh oAcial penomiges ran
down those stops, and after bustling backwards and forwards, and
looking very mysterions, ran np them again with great presence of
mind. Thb proceeding appeared to be indicative of something, for it
instantly caused many others to bustle, with equal dexterity and tact,
and doubtless, with an equally high object in Tiew.
At length an extremely important Ipersonage made his appearance,
and every eye was in an instant directed to the steps down which he
had majestiodly glided. The noise of the workmen ceased a proces-
sion approached. A death-like silence pervaded the hall: the sus-
pense was truly awful. The style in which the mighty individuals
who composed this procession stepped out, was inconceivably grand !
Solemnity was the chief characteristic of each look importance was
perched upon each ample brow. Thdr air was noble 1 They seemed
to feel the weight of their respective responsibilities, albdt they bore
them with dignity and ease. Some were adorned with violet gowns,
richly embellished with massive chains of virgin gold ; but although
some hod gowns without any such embellishment, and others had no
gowns at sdl, all who formed .'the procesdon looked equally immense,
and equally resolved to inspire spectators with awe.
Well! on arriving at that part of the Hall, in which the grave
common councilmen were sitting in all their glory, the civic king, who
was about to abdicate, proceeded majestically to the chair. He really
appeared to know that it was for the last time, but he nevertheless
kept up his spirits, and absolutely smiled upon all around vriih sur-
passing grace, although it was, beyond dispute, an extremely trying
moment.
It may have been in all probability observed, that when mortals do
anything for the last time conscious of its bdng for the last time ^they
feel it ; but who that hath not been a Lord Mayor himself^ can appreciate
the feelings which rack a lord mayor on hua resigning in ioio^ that which
had 4br years been placed upon the pinnacle of his ambition ? It was
suggested, some few years ago, that it was hard that the Mayor should
lose his title with his office ; and it is hard, very hard, particulariy
hard ! ^the title ought to be retained. To be addressed as ^* my lord,*
for twelve calendar months, and as ^ sir" for ever after, is monstrous !
But this matter will be seen in the right light by-and-bye^ and posterity
will hold the age in which we now live, to be one of ilie dark ones in
consequence. However, be this as it may, there is one thing quite
dear, and that is this ^Uiat the Lord Mayor, in this instance, sat for
the last time in the state chair, with truly admirable resignation, and
that the Lord Mayor dect, who was a much stouter man, sat besidehim.
Sodi, therefore, bdng the state of the case then, an individual, who
was at that time ydept the [common crier, walked solemnly in front of
the state chair, and made an extremdy profound reverence, with the
maoe upon his shoulder. He then took three very graceful stepe^and made
another low reverence, and then three steps more, when having made
another reverence of a character still more profound, he ingeniously
made the maoe stand upright before the table. On this highly appro-
YALENTINB VOX. 273
priate piece of unspeakable aolemnity, being accomplbhed to the entire
satiafaction of all concerned, a grave personage, who rejoiced in the
extraordinary title of Town Clerk, marched in front of the state chair,
and after taking nine well-measured steps, halting three times of course,
to make three very distinctly marked reverences, which were quite as
low as those tliat had been made by the Town Crier he happily ar-
rived at the table, when the Lord Mayor elect most majestic^y r6se
with a view to the reception of the oaths.
Those oaths were administered; and when the Lord Mayor elect
had placed his signature in a journal expressly provided for that pur-
pose, the old Lord Mayor left the chair, and after solemnly ap-
proaching the new Lord Mayor and taking him affectionately by the
hand, he smiled a peculiarly gracious smile, said an encouraging some-
thing, handed him, with unexampled elegance ^to that seat which he
had for twelve months occupied with honour to himself and advantage
to the city, and sat beside him amidst a loud clapping of liands, which
was at once very solemn and very enthusiastic. The worthy aldermen
then rose with all the dignity at their command, for the purpose of
congratulating the new civic king, and shaking hands with his lordship
individually, and warmly, and when this had been gracefully and satis-
fiictorily accomplished, the Chamberlain a person, on the subject of
whose solemnity of aspect two rational opinions could not be enter-
tained, stood in front of the new Lord Mayor and made a reverence,
and having measured the distance with his eye, took four steps in
consequence of his steps being shorter, although his legs were longer
than those of the Common Crier and the Town Clerk, who, in three steps
got over the same space of ground and made another low reverence ;
and then he took four steps more, and having made a third reverence,
equally profound, he presented the late Lord Mayor with a sceptre,
and the late Lord Mayor having nothing then to do with it, handed it
over to the new Lord Mayor, when the new Lord Mayor returned it
to the Chamberlain, who placed it upon the table and made a fourth
low reverence, and took four steps backwards to make a fifth low re-
verence, and then four steps more to make a sixth low reverence, when
he held out his hand for the seal, and having advanced and retired in
like manner, taking the same number of steps, and making the same
number of reverences, he gracefully held forth his hand for the
purse, .with which the same solemn ceremony was perform^ with this
addition, that the new Lord Mayor did shake the purse with the view
iA ascertaining what was in it a proceeding which shocked the grave
personages present, who obviously held it to be a species of levity
which was, under the awful circumstances of the case, reprehensible in
the extreme.
This feeling, however, lasted but for a moment, and the Chamberlain
had no sooner finished his task, which he appeared to hold in high ad-
miration, than the junior clerk advanced in the self-same fashion, but
with somewhat less grace than the Chamberlain had displayed, and
having taken the sceptre, seal, and purse from the table, retired, stepping
backwards as a matter of course, and making six profound reverences
N N
274' LIFE AND ADVENTDRES OF
altogether, when another individual bearing a sword, which seemed to
be within an inch or two as long as himself, advanced and presented it
to the late Lord Mayor, who presented it to the new Lord Mayor, who
returned it to the individual who had submitted it to their notice, and
who retired with it backwards, having made the prescribed number of
reverences with a tact which the junior clerk must have envied.
This was all very solemn and very interesting; but Uncle John
could not appreciate its importance ! ^' What," said he in a whisper,
*^what in the name of reason is the use of it? What does it all
mean?"
Valentine was not then prepared to explain either its use or its con-
nection wdth the name of reason, but he suggested that the probability
was that it meant something, and hinted at the possibility of those
reverences being absolutely essential to the preservation of the city's
charter. It struck him, however, at the same time forcibly that a suffi-
cient number of reverences had not been made, for he remembered that
at the House of Commons they made eighteen bows that is to say
three to every four steps ^whereas here they had made but six, which
amounted to a clear taking off of two-thirds of the solemnity.
Thus, however, this part of the ceremony was accomplished, and the
late Lord Mayor, when the bearer of the sword had retired, rose again
to shake hands with the new Lord Mayor, when the Aldermen rose for
the same solemn purpose, then the whole of the common councilmen,
and then tlie great officers of the various companies, and then all the
rest of the functionaries attached to the corporation : in fine, his lord-
ship was shaken by the hand by about three hundred individuals, and as
they all shook as 'ii they were anxious to shake his hand off, his lord-
ship, immediately after the operation, very carefully placed his right
hand in his bosom with a view to the eventual restoration of his wnst,
when the whole of the ceremony being thus completed, he and the late
Lord Mayor, preceded by the officers, and followed by the aldermen,
left the hall in the same solemn style as that in which they had entered.
Uncle John, however, still thought the whole of the ceremony ^with
the exception of the process of aaministering the oaths most absurd.
He did not approve of it : he could not approve of it : he held it to be
the most foolishly ridiculous piece of mummery he had ever beheld ;
but Valentine suggested that men should not denounce or even deem
that absurd, the utility and meaning of which they could not under-
stand. ''In those reverences," said he, " for example, there may be
more, much more than meets the eye. Upon them the rights and privi-
leges of the citizens may for aught we know entirely depend. But in-
dependently of this, it is abundsmtly clear that in denouncing these
proceedings as mere foolery, we denounce by implication as fools, all by
whom these proceedings are upheld, and we must not allow it to escape
us, that we are now in the very first city in the world, the most en-
lightened spot upon the face of the globe, the very centre of civili-
zation. We therefore ought not to suppose it to be likely that these
ceremonies, however ridiculous they may appear, would be upheld if
there were not something in them of a solemn and useful character."
VALENTINE VOX. 275
Uncle John was by no means convinced of the soundness of this
argument which he fancied at the time had been seriously adduced.
He felt still that the ceremony was foolish, and although he would not
go so far as to say that those grave and enlightened looking personages
whom he had seen were really fools, he contended that they ought to
repudiate those absurdities as things which were utterly beneath uiem.
'^ But/' said Valentine, although he quite agreed with Uncle John,
'' if we even admit that these eeremonies {gre in the abstract absurd, are
we sure that it is not expedient to uphold them ? Authority must not
be stripped of its trappings ; and as the world still consents to be de-
ceived by ornament, the universality of the deception forbids the sup-
position of its maintenance being utterly vain."
*' There is certainly a little more in that/' said Uncle John, '* and I
suppose we should find it the same at head-quarters ; but I must say
that in this case the thing has been carried a little beyond bounds, for
instead of those ceremonies having the effect of inspiring the people
with awe, they have a tendency only to excite their contempt ; and so
that question's settled." And as Valentine permitted it to be thus
settled, they at once left the hall; but as Uncle John on reaching
Cheapside, would stop to inspect, minutely, the contents of almost
every shop- window, their progress was indeed but slow. They did,
however, eventually arrive at St. Paul's Church Yard, and as they per-
ceived, on passing tlie north door of the Cathedral, that it was about
half open. Uncle John expressed an anxious wish to enter the noble
edifice, and having ascended the steps, they saw the door-keeper
just inside, with a piece of cold meat on a thick slice of bread in
one hand, and a clasp knife of really assassinating dimensions in the
other.
^'Can we be admitted ?" enquired Valentine of this person.
*^ Tuppence each !" said the fellow, as he unhooked the chain which
held the door.
'' Two-pence each !" cried Uncle John, with an expression of indig-
nation. *^What do you mean, sir? Here is my card, I demand ad-
mittance !"
^^ It's tuppence each !" repeated the door-keeper emphatically ; and
Valentine drew out his purse.
''By no means!" said Uncle John, restraining him, ''by no means.
It is not the money but the principle at which I look. It is a mon-
strous principle a principle that I never will encourage ; it being nei-
ther more nor less than that of converting the House of God mto a
twopenny exhibition. It is perfectly disgraceful," he continued, ad-
dressing the door-keeper. "Your conduct shall be known, sir, at head-
quarters!"
The fellow replaced the chain, laughed, and took another mouthful
of bread and meat, as Uncle John descended the steps with Valentine,
descanting with due eloquence upon the monstrous character of this
truly impious species of extortion.
lliey now proceeded home, where they found that Mr. Clarkson had
already sent the tickets, with a most polite note, in which he strongly
276 UFE AND ADVlSNTUREa OF
jrecommended them to s^ the procession. This thej thought eitremehf
kind. Uncle John at onoe declared that he should never forget it, and
a very conmderable portion of the evening was in consequence occupied
with a discussion, the ohject of which was to decide which had the pre-
ponderance in the world good or evil.
In the morning, immediately after breakfast, they started for Guild-
hall, and London seemed to have poured the whole of her artisans into the
city. It was then, and had been for the three preceding centuries at least,
a erand day for the sight-seejrs of the metropolis. The streets through
which the glorious pageant had to pass, were densely thronged with
men, women, and chilcuen, splashed up to their very necks, while the
windows of the houses on either side were filled with gaily dressed per-
sons, who amused themselves by making the most pleasing observa-
tions upon those who were moving below them in the )nud.
The neaier they got to QmldhaS, the more dense the crowd became^
but as Uncle John msisted upon goinff to *^ head-quarters,'^ they turned
into King Street, and tried with desperation to thread the mortal
labyrinth there established. Unde John was, however, very soon out
of breath, for he met vnth all sorts of obstructions ; and as those ob-
structions increased, and were likely to increase as he proceeded, he
wisely resolved upon seeking some spot, in which he might stand com-
paratively free from annoyance.
" What a shame it is, that women should bring children in arms,"
said he, on hearing a female, who had an infiint at ner breast, scolding
two men for '' squeedging her babby." On looking round, however,
he saw that by far the greater portion of the women were similarly
circumstanced, and hence, assuming that the fact might have some
direct, or indirect, connection with the privileges peculiar to the city,
he said no more on the subject ; but passed on at onoe to a place, in
which they felt the mighty pageant might be viewed without any
serious pressure,
** The sight must, I should say, be magnificent to draw such a
multitude together," observed Valentine.
*^ Magnificent !" exclaimed Uncle John, ^^ I have always understood
it to be the most goigeous afiair the imagination of man can conceive !
But we shall see. I don't pretend to understand the utility of it
exactly ; but I expect it will be splendid. We shall see."
The crowd now increased about the spot in which they stood, and
all were naturally anxious to get in front. ^^ Vill you be so obleeging
as to let my httle boy stand uore you, if you please," said a woman
addressing Uncle John.
**^ By adl means, my good woman," and he immediately made way
for the little boy ; but the moment the space was opened, the good
woman herself, duly followed by a knot of tall coal-heaving creatures,
rushed in, and thus placed Unde John in a position in which he could
not see at all. He, therefore, made an observation, of which the pur-
port was, that such a proceeding was by no means polite : and the
coat-heaven heard this remarkabk observation; and it struck them
a
#
'/, i,,,,- . '/:,.y,,-,,/-
YALENTINE TOX. 277
as being so novel and so good, that they enjoyed it exceedingly, and
laughed very loudly.
Valentine, therefore, drew Unele John to another choice spot, in
which they waited with due patience for some considerable time,
making other obserrations of an equally remarkable casUy and being
occasionally enlivened by sundry loud cries of " Here they come T
At length they saw a mighty rush, and heard the trembling trumpets
sound I The efifect was electric ! The crowd was sdzed with an uni-
versal thrill ! The glorious pageant was on the move I The band
approached ! ^the drums rolled ! ^the earth seemed in convulsions !
An immense individual on horseback now darted about, spurring his
proud steed so hard that already had he fretted him into such a dreadful
state of perspiration, that his neck, back, and haunches were covered
with white steaming foam.
** That's a fool ! said Uncle John, as this person galloped backwards
and forwards with the view of making himself as conspicuous as posnble.
*^ He ought to blush. That horse is not his own ; or if it be, it's the
first he ever had, and he hasn't had it long. He seems to me to be
quite new in office : hence he thus frets and stews that poor animal in
OTder to show his official assiduity.'*
^^ It's essential to the progress of the pageant, no doubt," observed
Valentine. ^^ Depend upon it, the procession couldn't get along without
him. Behold with what elegance he bows I ^and see those respect^ible
coal-heavers there, how gracefully, with a nod of recognition, they
wave their lily hands. He has, doubtless, the honour of being ex-
tremely intimate with those gentlemen." ^And away the great officer
galloped again, as Uncle John boldly declared it to be his unbought and
unbiassed opinion that the animal must very soon drop down dead.
A mounted military band now passed plapng fiercely ; then came a
mighty host of distinguished individuals in blue and yellow caps, and
pink calico gowns, most appropriately headed by an extremely dirty
streamer, the arms magnificently emblazoned upon which miffht, in
ancient times, in all probability, have been sensible to sight. The first
of these warlike creatures eroaned beneath the weight of a mighty
scaffoM-pole, of which the curcumference at its base was about twenty
inches, and to which were attached three other long poles, borne by
tiiree other creatures for the purpose of keeping the mighty one steady ;
but despite all their effi:rts ^which were really very desperate, and very
laudable every slight gust of wind which caught the glorious streamer,
made them stagger like warriors in the last stage of lively intoxication.
** What do they make those poor men carry such an enormous thing
as that for ?" enquired Uncle John.
** Doubtless," replied Valentine, ^' with a view to the maintenance
of the peculiar r^hts and privileges of the city." And other hosta
passed ynih other long streamers, looking equally ancient and equally
glorious ; and after a line of glass-coaches the drivers of which were
adorned with cockades of extraordinary dimensions there came a
mighty warrior clad in complete steel, with a countenance which, while
278 LIFE AND ADTElfTURES OF
it expressed irae nobility of soul, was embellished with wfaiteiiiiig
burnt cork, and yermilion. He was mounted, of course, on a wariike
charger, which appeared to be endeavouring to understand the precise
meaning of a piece of steel which had beoi strapped in front of his
head, with the view of imparting to him the sembhuice of an unicorn ;
but the warrior himself really looked very fierce, very noble, and very
uncomfortable.
*^ What is that fellow for ?" enquired Uncle John, with really repre-
hensible irreverence.
'^In all probability," replied Valentine, ^Ho Ji^ikt for the peculiar
rights and privileges of the city."
^' To fight ! ^and there's another in brass ! Do they look like fight-
ing meuf A cane would be sufficient to unhorse them^ and what
would they have it in their power to do then ?"
Tins was clearly a very ungracious observation, for the noble war-
riors tried to look as desperate as possible as they passed, with the
yeomen of the guard with remarkably low crowned hats, and eqnaDy
remarkable high plaited frills on either side.
The late Lord Mayor followed, leaning back in his carriage, and
looking very grave and very gloomy. His chief object was to conceal
himself from the crowd as much as possible, and this is acknowledged
universally to be a development of sound discretion. Late Lord Mayors
are seldom popular with the mob. In the performance of their high
functions, they are called upon to punish so many, that were they to
make themselves at all conspicuous, they would be sure to be popu-
larly recognised, and recognitions of that kind are at all times, and on
both sides extremely disagreeable.
T\ke late Lord Mayor, therefore, passed in solemn silence, without
apparently wishing to provoke any unpleasant recollections, and was
followed by six individuals who sported very highly polished pumps,
and very delicate French- white silk stockings, and who, as they walked
on the tips of their toes, appeared to be in a dreadful state of mind,
although the tact and dexterity with which they all hopped from stone
to stone, were truly amazing. They took no sort of notice of the ad-
miration they inspired ; and as for raising their eyes from the mud !
-'they wouldn't have looked at their own mothers. Their whole souls
eemed centered in the one great and glorious object of avoiding the
innumerable little puddles in the road, and to this all their mona and
physical energies were exclusively devoted, while they bore umbrellaa
expecting rain as a purely natural matter of course with the view
of imparting to all around, the conviction, that a smart shower only
was required to render their happiness complete.
On that great occasion, however, this was denied them. They, never-
theless, pasi^ on in peace, and were immediately followed by the chief
object of attraction.
The Right Honourable the Lord Mayor!
There sat his Right Honourable Lordship, in that extremely unique
VALENTINE YOX. 279
lad notorious machine, yclept by the vulgar the ''civic state carriage/'
scarcely knowing what to make of it, and looking as fascinating, and
bowing as grot^quely as possible, while two important personages sat
looking out of the windows, apparently with the view of exciting loud
laughter, their prominent chanu^ristics being really so droll.
'^ Hooray!" exclaimed a mob of very dirty individuals on the
left of Uncle John. '' Hooray !" His Right Honourable Lordship
smiled graciously, and bowed with excessive dignity, and looked very
happy, and very healthy. The sight was glorious ! ^but as this ma
chme wound up the pageant, it had no sooner passed than Uncle John
began to swell with indignation. '* Is it can it be possible ?" he ex-
claimed, ^* that this trumpery, pitiful, gingerbread busmess, should have
induced so many thousands of persons to leave their homes to be
knocked about, insulted, and covered with mud! Why, it is beyond
dispute, the most vile and contemptible piece of mummerv I ever vrit-
neieed. Is this, forsooth, your most enlightened city m the world ?
What is the object of it what does it all mean ? As true as I'm alive
it's the most paJtry, the most absurd, unmeaning, tin*pot piece of foolery,
the most ridiculous, disgraceful I've been robbed!" he continued,
thrusting his hand into his pockets. '^ I've been plundered ! they've
stolen my handkerchief."
*' Nothinff else ?*' enquired Valentine.
Uncle John felt in the whole of his pockets at once, and then
searched them seriatim, and then said : '* No-*no nothing else. But
then what could I expect? If the object were to draw together mul-
titudes of thieves, it were utterly impossible to conceive a better plan.
Nothing in life could be more directly calculated to give the pick-
pockettmg scoundreb full swing. It is fit for nothing else in the world
The authorities, and those who uphold or even ul to denounce it,
onght to blush."
**But how can you conceive it to be possible," urged Valentine, ''for
the dignity of the city to be upheld without it?"
'' The dignity of the city 1" echoed Uncle John contemptuously,
*' Don't tell me that the dignity of the city can be upheld by such an
atrocious and trumpery mockery as this. It is an absolute disgrace to
the city. It tends to bring every thine bearing the semblance of dig-
nity into contempt. It is amarang, that the people at head-quarters
should sanction so childish an e&ibition. There is not a spark of
reason in it ^nothing to save it from ridicule, or to qualify contempt.
It is pardonable certainly under the circumstances that tee came ; but
if it were possible for any man livmg to prevail upon me to witness
such a display of tom-foolery twice, I should never forgive myself-*
never ! If they must go to Westminster, let them go Ime men but
come along my boy, come along."
" But you'll go and see the pageant on the water V said Valentine.
" / see the pageant on the water !" exclaimed Uncle John, " No, no ;
I've had enough of it, more than enough ;" and having called the first
coach that came in sight, they at once proceeded home.
Valentine was higUy amused at the indignation displayed by Uncle
280 LIFB AND ADVENTURBS OF
John. He regaided it as a sort of oompenBation for the dieappoini-
ment he had ezperienoed, and he could not disgaise from himself
that he had heen diBappointed, for instead of the procesnon being
magnificent, as he certainly expected it would have been, he held it to
be a most senseless a&ir, and wondered quite as much as Uncle John,
how the grave authorities of the City of London could uphold a species
of mummery so wretched.
^ Well r said Uncle John, on reaching home, ^^ we will go at ail
events and see the end of this business ; but if the banquet be con-
ducted in a similar style, I shall set down the grsat corporation of
London at once as a great corporation of fools." And having thus
expressed his sentiments on the subject, he began to bustle about, and
continued to be particularly busy until the time for starting had arrived,
when they sent for a coach, and set off for Guildhall, with no very mag-
nificent anticipations.
On entering the hall. Uncle John was, however, so struck vnth the
dazzling splendour of the scene, that Valentine could scarcely get him
alone. ^^ Well," said he, ** this is indeed very brilliant. It makes up
fior iQl. They could produce nothing better than this at head-quarters.*'
Valentine assented at once to thu opinion, but urged him again to
proceed, and after an immense deal of pulling and persuasion, he suc-
ceeded in seating him at one of the tables, when he explained that he
was at that moment perfectly happy.
This was pleasant ; and when the ceremony of receiving the distin-
guished guests had been duly aooomplished, the tables hemn to crack
Beneath the weight of immense tureens : and when eraoe had been said
with due solemnity and force, the guests commenced operations in the
twinkling of an eye.
Uncle John, however, at first felt quite nervous. The scene had so
excited him, that it was not until he had been challenged by several
gentlemen, with extraordinary politeness and grace, that he was able
to enjoy himself at all. The wine, however, very soon braced up his
nerves by placing him on somewhat better terms with himself, and he
began to feel perfectly at home, and succeeded in eating an excellent
dinner, and freely expressed his sentiments on the chief characteristics
of the banquet, and conversed with much eloquence and warmth with
several exceedingly communicative persons, who politely pointed out
the most distinguished of the guests an operation in the performance
of which, most men experience peculiar pleasure.
Well ! in due time the Lord Mayor commenced the list of toasts, and
the speedies, cheers, and glees which succeeded were so enlivening and
appropriate, that they seemed to impart universal delight.
But it happened that at that particular period of British history, the
Mimsters of the Crown were extremely unpopular with the party to
which their immediate official predecessors belonged*-a fact which is of
so striking and extraordinary a character, that it oecomes highly correct
to record it in these adventures. They were remarkably unpopular
with that particular party ; but as it was usual on such occasions for
the Ministers of the Crown to be invited, all who happened at the time
TAJtwmm Toz. 281
to be in London, notwitlistanding their extreme nnpopulariij, came,
and moreover the health of those Ministos of the Chrown was pkoed
on the list of toasts.
Now Yalentioe knew something of the power of party spirit. He
knew that principle and honour were perpetually sacriSced at its shrine.
In the town in which he was bom, he bad witnessed it rising upon the
ruins of friendship and afiection ; and had found it in the metropolis to
be equally powerful, and equally pemietous. The little experience he
had had of its effects, had hence inspired him with the conviction of its
being alone sufficiently powerful to subvert almost every generous
feeling by which men are actuated ; but he wondered if it were possible
for its development to be induced there, where so many of the first men
of the age men distinguished for wealth, probity, and wisdom ^had
assembled, and where joy and good fellowship seemed to be in the as-
cendant.
He looked round : they all appeared happy. The dark passions
were subdued. Envy, hatred, msdice, and all uncharitableness seemed,
for the time being, by common consent, to be extinguished. They had
assembled for no party purpose ; but with a view to the cultivation of
those feelings which impart a asest to life, and which bind man to man.
very heart seemed open- every hand seemed ready to give and to
receive the warm pressure of friendship. It appeared to be a moment
peculiarly adapted for the reconciliation of friends who had become
enemies, their hearts seemed so ardent ^their feelings so pure.
Notwithstanding all this, however, Valentine determined, for his own
satisfaction, on trying the experiment. He inclined to the opinion, that
the slightest manifestation of party-spirit would, at such a time, be
treated as so great an indignity, that it would instantly be drowned in
enthusiastic cheers, in which men of all parties would readily Join;
but in order to test the soundness of this opinion he resolved, never-
theless, when the time came, to manifest some slight disapprobation,
just sufficient to make it understood, and no more.
Accordingly, when in due course the Lord Mayor rose with the view
of proposing the health of the Ministers, Talentine, the very moment
their names were announced, sent a sound along the table, which
amounted to no more than a murmuring buss. In an instant the
demon of party arose I That sound, slight as it was, was hailed as the
signal for confusion. Every countenance changed as if by magic.
They of the Ministerial party applauded with unparalleled vehemence ;
while they of the Opposition hissed and groaned like tortured fiends.
The Lord Mayor knit his brows and pursed his lips, and looked very
indignant. His exertions to restore order were desperate but ineffec-
tual. In vain he denounced it as an irregular proceeding. Innumer-
able were his efforts to convince them of its being one of which he did
not, and could not, and ought not to approve. The Opposition would
not hear him. Tlio party tocsin had been sounded, and it proved
the knell of peace. They who a moment before seemed so happy
and so joyous, were now in fierce contention, their bosoms swelling
with party spite.
o o
282 LIFB AND DYENTURE8 OF
At length, however, the action of the Mayor was bo extremely
energetic, that it produced an effect Which enabled him to make a few
additional observations, which were really very just and very much to
the purpose; but the moment the Premier rose with his colleagues,
with a view to the simple acknowledgment of the toast, the frantic
sounds which assailed them were comparable only with those which
Valentine had heard in the House of Commons. Had the Ministers been
fiends, the Opposition could not have expressed a greater amount of
indignation: had they been gods, the Ministerialists could not with
greater enthusiasm have cheered them.
Tliey nevertheless still kept their ground and that with just as much
calmness as if they had been used to it. The Premier slightly smiled
at his colleagues, and his colleagues smiled slightly at him. This
seemed to enrage the Opposition still more ; but the louder they mani-
fested their sentiments on the subject, the louder were the sentiments of
the Ministerialists expressed. The Lord Mayor agpin rose, and the
Opposition seemed to groan even at him, when Uncle John deeming that
most atrocious, started up and cried '' shame !" with an expression of
indignation which nothing else -could match.
Valentine, however, immediately drew him down, and begged of
him earnestly not to interfere ; buib Uncle John could not endure it.
^^ The ingrates !" he cried, ^* thus to groan at head-quarters after
having been swelled out as they have been, and that with all the deli-
cacies of life ! It*s really monstrous \"
^^ It is, it is, I know it is," said Valentine, *' but don't interfere/'
Uncle John shook his head very fiercely ; he was very indignant ;
and the Lord Mayor said something which could not be heard ; but
which appeared to be generally understood to be very severe, for it had
the effect of somewhat subduing th^ most noisy ; but the moment the
Premier opened his lips to address them, the Opposition recommenced
operations, and the conflict between them and the Mimsterialists became
far more desperate than ever.
^^ Silence ! You wretches P* exclaimed Uncle John.
^^ Uncle ! Uncle 1" cried Valentine, pulling him down, ^' they'll tilke
you for one of the Opposition !"
'^ Let them l" returned Uncle John. '* Let them take me for one of
the Opposition ; I am one of the Opposition ; but I'd scorn to oppose
men in this cowardly way."
The Lord Mayor again rose, and with most indignant emphasis
said, '^ Really ;" but as this was all the Opposition sufiSred him to say,
he at once resumed his seat with a look very istrongly indicative of
anger.
It became quite impossible now for Unde John to remain quiet.
He kept fidgetting about, grindmg his teeth, and biting his lips, and
exclaiming as he clenched his fists, ^' Oh ! I should like to be at some
of them dearly !" He put it to those around him, whether it were not
most disgraceful, and their affirmative replies made him infinitely worse.
Had they wisely dissented, they might have calmed him at least in so
AtBNTINB VOX. 283
far as to indaoe him to arf^e the point, but as the case stood, Valen-
tine fonnd it impossible to restrain him.
^'If/' said the Premier, with really admirable coolness and self-
possession, taking advantage of a temporary lull : '^ If the gentlemen
will only be silent for one moment " No ! They would not be for
one moment silent : they recommenced groaning like furies, and this
of course agun induced thunders of applause.
** Where are these eroaners?" thought Yalentine. He could hear
them distinctly enough, but couldn't see them. ** Are they ail Ven-
triloquists ?"
His attention was at this particular moment directed to an elderly
individual whose mouth was apparently closed. He watched him nar*
rowly. He was straining at somethmg. His face was remarkably
red, and while his eyes appeared to be in the act of starting from their
sockets, he was obviously perspiring with infinite freedom. Could he
be a groaner ? He was ! He was then hard at work : no man could
have oeen more zealous although he kept his eyes fixed vdth surpassing
firmness upon the table as if watching the evolutions, of some very
minute natural curiosity, and apparently noticing no other thing.
''Shame!" cried Valentine, throwing his voice dexterously behind
this indefatigable person, who turned sharply round, being duly appre-
hensive of detection, but as, contrary to his lively anticipations, he saw
no one there, he very wisely returned to his interesting task, which
really seemed to aFord him unspeakable pleasure.
'^ I see you," said Valentine, throwing his voice again just behind
the individual in question, and again he looked round with an expres-
sion of intense interest ; but as of course he could see no one near him,
he appeared to regard it as by far the most astonishing circumstance
that ever occurred to him during the whole course of his life. *' I see
you !" repeated Valentine, which was really the fact : he saw him in a
state of amazement the most remarkable he ever beheld. The indivi-
dual seemed not to know at all what to make of it. He felt that
surely he could not be mistaken, that surely he had heard some one
speak, and that surely he was at that moment under no direct or indi-
rect supernatural influence ! and yet, where was the man who had
addressed him ? This was a mystery which he had by no means the
ability to solve, but it had the effect of inducing him to be silent^
although the groaning in other quarters was as fierce as before.
Tlie Opposition, however, were not alone to be blamed. The Minis-
terialists themselves were highly culpable. Had they left the groaning
people to pursue that great course, which appeared to inspire them with
so much delight, unmolested ; had they been content vnth giving at the
commencement, three glorious rounds of enthusiastic cheers, and
then leaving the groaners to themselves, the confusion might thus have
been avoid^. But this they would not do. They would have a bat-
tle. They seemed to be prompted by some eternal, and essentially
cabalistic principle, to beat them. They would make more noise ; and
they did make more noise : they made ten times more noise tlian the
groaners. It was they who would not let the Premier speak : it was
284 ' LIFB AMP ADTnTUUS OF
they who diowned the ymoe of the Lord Mayor. The giouien eonld
nerer have stopped the speeches themsdvefli, and of this, the Minisleria-
bsta appeared to be consoioiis, for they lent them throughout their most
powerfdl aid.
It is a fact, which may in all probability be held to be exiiaotdinafy,
that the slightest sound of disapprobation, if peneTered in, is soficient
to create in an assembly, howcYW hononraUe and enlightened, univer-
sal oonfhsion ; but there is yet another faot, whidi is not perhaps of
quite 80 extraordinary a diameter, but which is this that oonstani
straining, to state it shortly, will in fulness of time produce exhaos-
tion; and the moment a practical illustration of that hci was in this
particular instance afforded, the Lord Mayor, who was a manly and
rather a handsome indiTidual, again rose, and said very properly, and
Very energetically, '* that he and the shaiffii had not been treated as
they exp;ted."
^ Of course not ! '* exclaimed Unde John, who very serionsly
thought, that as every thing had been provided in a style the most
ddioatei, and the most sumptuous, from the two hundred and fifty tureens
of real turtle to the several hundred thousand plates of pippins, sodi
treatment was monstrous in the extreme.
The Lord Mayor said no more : he resumed his seat with dignity,
but still with an expression of noble indignation, and tiiat expression
was hailed with loud cheers ; but the moment the Premier ^who with
his colleagues still manfully maintained his position re-opened his lips,
the Opposition, vdio felt themselves bound to produce the next harmony,
favoured the company with a little more groaning. The Ministerialists
again knew their cue, and they again set to work as one man, and did
lodly succeed in the production of the greatest amount of noise that
ever issued from a corresponding number of human throats. Nor were
they content with vocal music. By no means. They beat the tables
with aU the energy of young drummers, while Unde John was striking
that at which he was sitting with the force of a Cyd^M.
The glasses danced with peculiar animation, and shook out the wine
that was in thm that they might do it with all possible efiect ; md
while the pippins seemed to fancy, that they had been magically meta-
morphosed into marbles, the dishes they had deserted rattled afler them
fieroely, with the apparent view of convincing them that such was not
the fiict.
The Lord Mayor now appeared to be somewhat more tranquiL It
seemed to have struck him with peculiar force, that it was perfectly
vseless to manifest anger. Hiere the belligerents were: some were
faissinff, some were groaning, some were shovtinff, and some were
kaghmg, while others were mdignantly fidgettmg diout and explain-
ing what they thought of the matter on the whofo. It was impossiUe
therefore for his lordship to do any good by being an^. He coold
not by SQch means quell the riot. He seemed to fed this forcibly, and
faeno^ qoite oonsdous of having done aU he had the power to do, he
very wisdy made up his mind tnat it was a duty incsmbent upon him
TAUENTINB TOX. 285
08 a magSfiinte, as a mayor, and as a man, to endure it all with the
moBt perfect resigiiation.
The Premier stood like a smiling statue. He was anxious to have
it distinctly understood, that if they conceived him to be the man
to sit down, before he had said what he had to say, they were dreadfully
mistaken. He, therefore, stood as firmly as a rock, and continued thus
to stand, until the majority of those who were engaged in the con-
flict, displayed unequivocal symptoms of exhaustion, when taking
advantage of that interesting moment, he managed to say something,
which appeared to have some slight reference to the army and navy,
and resumed his seat boldly and instantaneously, amidst an unexampled
burst, composed of hisses, cheers, and groans.
This, however, in a very few minutes subsided, and the glorious
conflict was over. The Opposition party prided themselves on having
produced it, and the Mijusterialists with equal pride, felt that they
had had the best of it on the whole. The Lord Mayor expressed
his sentiments on the subject to those around him, and those around
him expressed theirs, with due eloquence and point : in fact, every
man present ^not excluding the professional individuals in the orchestra
was on this subject warmly contributing to the universal buzz,
which for a long time pervaded the Hall.
Valentine redly was very much annoyed at having tried the experi-
ment. He contended within himself that he ought to have known
that party spirit was sure to develop itself^ whenever an opportunity
arose ; it mattered not, whether it were in the senate, the banqueting
hall, or the church. He was, therefore, by no means content : for
although he was perfectly conscious, that they who had permitted
themselves to be so powerfully influenced by party feelings at such a
time, and on such an occasion, ought to blush ; he felt, nevertheless,
that he had awakened those feehngs ; that although it had all been
accomplished by a murmur he had converted a joyous happy scene
into one of msdicious confusion.
The mischiei^ however, had been done, and as he thought that it
was, therefore, extremely impolitic to vex himself any more about
the matter then, he turned, with the view of diverting the current
of his thoughts to some more agreeable subject, and found Unde
Jolm fast asleep I He had been beating the table with so much energy,
and shouting order ! silence ! and shame ! ^with such extraordinary
zeal, that he had become quite exhausted; and there he sat with
folded arms, his soul sealed to the consciousness of care, and his lips
pouting perfect contentment, while, as he nodded, nature gave him an
occasional jerk, with the sublime view of keeping him up.
^ Uncle 1" said Valentine, shaking the sleeper, who murmured and
nodded, and went to sleep again. '* Uncle !'' he continued, '' Do you
know where you are ?"
The sleeper was unable at that precise moment, to tell whether he
really did or not, but he opened his eyes in order to satisfy himself on
the subject, and then said, ^^ Why, bless me ! I'd no idea tliat I war
."
289 LITE AND ADYENTimES OF
aaleep ! not the slightest ! I hope no one noticed it ? Dear me ! it's
highly incorrect ; very wrong : very wrong. Bnt I'm all right now
as wide awake as I was in flie morning. Well ! they have settled it
I see : you have had no more disturhance V
** No/' replied Valentine ; " bnt look at the people : how dull they
all are I The Lord Mayor has been labouring vezy hard to restore
them to good humour, but without any sensible effect. They have
made up their minds now not to be pleased." And this really
appeared to be the case. They seemed to be dissatisfied with eveiy
thing. Toasts were proposed, and speeches were made; butnather
speeches nor toasts could re-inspire them.
Of course the Lord Mayor could not, under these cireumstanoes, feel
very happy. He did all of which he was capable with a view to the
restoration of those harmonious feelings which existed before ihe dis-
turbance commenced ; but as he failed in this signally fadled he left
the chair as soon as he could with due regard unto his dignity, and
before twelve o'clock, every guest liad departed.
The matter was, however, by no means allowed to rest here, the
effects of the disturbance were terrific ! ^it induced a paper war of the
most desperate character a war which raged with really unparalleled
fierceness for weeks. Tlie Opposition journals hailed it as a glorious
and indisputable proof of the surpassing unpopularity of those Ministen
whom they had vrith extraordinary acuteness discovered to be totally
unfit to rule the destinies of this mighty empire.
" How," they exclaimed, ^' can those atrocious, and dbgusting po-
litical anthropophagi dare to drag on their disreputable, dirty, and de-
graded official existence after this unexampled this mighty demon-
stration of universal scorn ? It is an insult to the whole British nation !
a gross, comprehensive, unmitigated insult ! an insult which cannot,
and shall not be endured ! What can be in reality more contemptibly
atrocious than the conduct of men who have the brazen audacity ^the
unblushing impudence to pretend to rule a deeply reflecting people
who cannot regard them but with loathing and disgust ? Can anything
reflect more disgrace upon a mighty ana highly enlightened nation,
than the existence of men as ministers, so utterly contemptible, so
justly abhorred ? How, then, with anv show of decency, can they for
a moment retain office after such an universal burst of popular execra-
tion ? Yet are they in office still ! Conscious of the whole countiy
being against them ; conscious of being the laughing - stock of
Europe ; conscious they cannot but be conscious of being despised
and contemned by all the intelligence, all the wisdom, all the
wealth, respectability, and virtue of this great nation ; these abhorrent,
these imbecile, shabby, contemptible, political jugglers still cling, with
the tenacity of | polypi, to power, that they may dip their un-
hallowed fingers into the public purse to enrich themselves and their
execrable satellites ! Englishmen \ will you suffer this humiliating
state of things any longer to exist ? Britons ! are you prepared to
become the slaves tlie vile, crawling, abject slaves of that detestable
VALENTINE TOX. 287
clique, of which the memhers now 6id you defiance ? If there be a
single drop of the patriotic blood of your forefathers thrilling through
your veins, you will arise, and with one universal and simultaneous
burst of indignation, denounce these degraded political reptiles as they
were denounced at Guildhall, and hurl them at once from that position
in which they now have the impudence to stand I"
While the Opposition joumaUsts were engaged in the manufacture of
these highly appropriate philippics, they on the Ministerial side were
contending with extraordinary force and ingenuity, that the disturbance
in question, instead of being as pretended, a striking proof of the un*
popularity of the ministers, in reality proved that they never were so
popular, seeing that whereas it all originated with a disappointed alder-
man who had under his immediate surveillance just forty individuals,
about twenty years of age, from whom the whole of the groaning pro*
ceeded, it would not have been worth any disappointed alrman s while
to have organized those groaning Individuals, if the popularity of the
Ministers had been on the wane, or if it had not in fact been in-
creasing.
And this was held to be an extremely strong argument one which
absolutely carried conviction on the face of it ; and as the Opposition
journalists, in their presumptuous efforts to answer it, tried desperately
to shake it to its base ; it was again and again repeated with additional
tropes, and hereupon the fierce journalists fell foul of each other.
The Ministerialists commenced the attack ; they undertook to prove,
with mathematical precision, that they of the Opposition were black-
guards ; and the Opposition journalists being equally chivalrous, assumed
to themselves the province of reducing to a dead certainty, that they on
the Ministerial side were natural fools. And strange to say, they
both eventually succeeded to their own most entire satisfaction, but
which is still more strange they were utterly unable to obtain acknow-
ledgments of success from each other! hence, at the happy termination
of the struggle, they ostensibly held the same views on the subject as
those which they held when the struggle began^
It is a dutv, however, which the historian owes as well to himself
as to the public, to state that these amiable and truly ferocious journa-
lists in aU their contentions for the one grand point were sincere. They
who were on the Opposition side of the question, did most sincerely
think that the statesmen who were at that particular period in office,
ought not to retain it that they ought to make way for the statesmen
whom they had supplanted, and who \7ith a species of patriotism not
often to be met with, but as admirable as it is rare were absolutely
ready again to take upon themselves the cares of office, and thus to
sacrifice, to an extent altogether unknown, their private comforts
and conveniences to the public good: they did most sincerely feel
that this glorious opportunity was one which ought not to be lost
that the country owed those patriots a debt of gratitude amounting to
Bometfaing very considerable, for offering without the slightest solicita-
tion, to come forward at that truly awfiil erisis, to snateU the British
288 LIFB AND ADTBHrVRES OF
empire from the jaws of destrnoiton, aad thereby to save those instita*
tions^which were crambliiig into iiie undistingnishable mass of lerola-
tionary dust. And equally sincere were the Ministerial journalists, when
they declared it to he their decided opinion that the Ministers ought by
no means to resign that the goyemment of the country could not by
possibility be confided to men of whose principles and general conduct
they could so highly approve ^that they were just the very men whom
the people should support through thick and thin as the only men'
capable of meeting the exigencies peculiar to that period and that
they could have no manner of confidence in those who then formed the
corrupt and purely fieustious Opposition. Hence they laboured night
and dEiy to inspire the people with a due appreciation of the importance
of sustaining the Ministers, as the only chance left of averting a most
sanguinary revolution, and hence they were inde&tigable in their efibrts
to disseminate the betief that every act of the Ministers developed sur-
passing soundness of judgment, and perfectly unexampled intellectual
vigour while every act of the Opposition displayed an extrone nax^
rowness of soul and a dearth of judgment really pitiable.
The sincerity of those journalists being then so conspicuous and ex-
tensive, it can scarcely be deemed marvefious, that the contest on that
occasion should have been so extremely desperate as it was ; but that
which in all probability will, in the present day, appear more extra-
ordinary than all, is the &ct, that notwithstanding the choicest epithets
were culled on both sides, with due care, and applied with due ferocity,
the contest failed to affect in any way the stability of the government,
for while the zealous exertions of the Opposition did weaken it by no
means, it derived from those of the Ministeralists no additional strength;
and the result of the glorious war was, that while on the one hand,
the Ministers were recommended never again to accept an invitation to
the grand civic feast; on the other, it was boldly and powerfully
urged, that as Ministers they surely never would.
From this struggle Valentine certainly did derive much amusement,
and whra he had explained to Uncle John, that the whole afiur (vigi-
nated with his own slight murmuring buzz, that gentleman all^t
he very properiy condemned the thing at first ^viewed the progress of
the battle with feelings of delight. Morning after morning, and even-
ing after evening did he study the various modes of attack and de-
fence, but although he laughed heartily and constantly at the argu-
ments based upon arguments that were themselves based upon no^mg,
the contest failed to increase his admiration of that uncompromisbg
zeal, which forms so peculiarly the characteristic of the fourtli estate of
the realm.
VALENTINE VOX. 289
CHAPTER XXXV.
VALENTINE RECOVERS THE HIGHLY VALUED CARD, AND PROCEEDS
WITH UNCLE JOHN TO THE EXHIBITION OF FAT CATTLE.
Albeit Uncle John had come to London expressly to go at once to
head-quarters, with a view to the discovery of Goodman ; he was in
Town more than a month before he managed to find time to take even
the preliminary step. He had formed highly laudable resolutions every
evening, with a species of regularity which was really of itself truly
striking; but every morning with precisely corresponding regularity
there had arisen fresh temptations sufficiently powerful to set those
highly laudable resolutions at defiance. ^' I never saw such a place as
this London/' he would observe ; '* upon my life I don't appear to have
time to do a thing : I keep going on and on in a perpetual state of
fever, driving here, there, and everywhere, racing and chasing, and
bobbing in and out, and really seem to do nothing after all. 1 can't
understand it. It*s a mystery to me. The place seems to have been
designed expressly to worry men to death." And it really is an absolute
fact that he did feel occasionally very much confused ^nay it would some-
times happen that a temporary derangement of his intellects would do-
velope itself and hence it will not be deemed in the long run extraor^
dinary that every day after dinner he should fall fast a^eep with his
highly-prized meerschaum in his mouth.
Now as it is not very generally known, it cannot l)e very incorrect to
observe that Uncle John was one of those remarkable men who invariably
make a dead stop in the street when they have an3rthing striking to
communicate, to look at, or to learn. This practice at hrst annoyed
Valentine exceedingly, for although his uncle never stopped dead in the
road, but flew over every crossing with as much of the facility of a
greyhound as he comfortably could, whether carriages were or were not
within view; he would frequently do so in the midst of a mortal
stream, when they who happened to be behind could not avoid running
forcibly against him. Sometimes a butcher's boy would poke his hat
off with his tray, and then a heavily laden porter would send him stag-
gering a dozen yards or so, and then a carpenter shouting politely ^' by'r
leave,*' would cut a piece out of his coat with the end of a saw, which
invariably disdains to be wholly smothered in a basket ; but even these
natural results failed to cure him of the practice : he would adhere to
it in spite of them ; but certainly the most remarkable stop he ever
made was precisely at the bottom of Holbom Hill.
^* Now there's a place !" said he on that memorable occasion. '' Did
you ever ? How people can biilathe in such holes puzzles me I Let's
go and have a look at them ; come ; I dare say the poor creatures are
all fit to drop; pale, emaciated, spiritless, and wretched. Shall we
gor
'* Oh ! with all my heart," said Valentine ; and they entered the
hole which bore the semblance of a great commercial alley, the ancient
p p
290 LIFE AND ADTENTCRES OF
houses on either side of which seemed as if they had been striving for a
century at least to lean against their neighbours opposite for support,
and had still a trembling hope of accomplishing that object before their
tottering frames had quite crumbled into dust. Instead of being spirit-
less and wretched, however, the inhabitants were all life and jollity
laughing, singing, joking, and chatting as gaily as if they had been in
the fielb of Elysium. Some were vending old shoes, some fried fish,
and some tenth or eleventh-hand garments ; but the real aristocracy of
the place were those who exhibited an infinite variety of handkerchief
pinned upon sticks, and so arranged that each windowless shop formed
a most attractive picture. Into these shops from time to time sundry
young gentlemen darted, and taking off their hats as became them, pro-
duced from the interior in some cases three and in some half-a-dozen
bandannas which they seemed to have been fortunate enough to pick
up in the street just before.
'^ Can't I sell you one to-day ?*' said a blaok-eyed Jewess, whose
tightly twisted ringlets, like well tarred cords, lashed her bosom. '' I
should like to deal with you," she continued, addressing Uncle John
with a perfectly heart-winning smile.
'' They don't appear to me to be new," observed that really unsophis-
ticated gentleman.
The Jewess turned her black eyes frdl upon him, and seemed in an
instant to have road the whole history of the man. '^ I think we can
do a little business together,'* she observed. ^^ Just step inside here,
There*s no harm done, you know : I have something particular to show
you."
*'*' Uncle John looked at Valentine as if he did not understand it
exactly ; but as Valentine who did understand it but smiled. Uncle John
at once followed the fascinating Jewess, who proceeded at once to a dmwer,
and producing a bundle, said, '^ Now I've something here that 11 do
your eyes a world of good to look at."
** The bundle was opened, and the first thing which struck Undo
John was the handkerchief he lost in Cheapside while looking at the
Lord Mayor's pageant. '' Why," said he, '' what's this 7 Why that's
mine !"
" That's what every gentleman sajrs when he sees a hankeoher at
all like his'n," replied the Jewess.
^^ But how did you come by it ?" enquired Uncle John.
^* Oh, I took it in the regular way of business, of course."
^' But it's mine," exclaimed Uncle John.
' Now what a mistake that is when its mine,* said the Jewess.
^^ But how do you know it ever did belong to yon ? Do yon think
they never make two hankeohers alike ?"
^^ ril soon convince you : mine are all marked," said Unde John ;
and while he looked at each comer with very great minuteness, the
Jewess smiled, and eventually asked him if he were satisfied.
*' No, I am not," said he ; *' I am not by any means. Although I
can't find the mark, I still believe it to be mine." And as he looked
round, it absolutely struck him that the whole of those handkeichiefe
VALENTINE VOX. 291
which then met his view had been stolen! an extraordinary idea,
which at that moment made him so indignant, that he prepared to
leave the shop.
^* But come, we can deal for all that,'' said the Jewess. ^' Here take
it for three-and-six, and say you've got a good bargain."
" What, compound a felony!" exclaimed Uncle John.
" Well, here take it for three," said the Jewess, " and I shan't get a
ha'penny by you."
Uncle John looked remarkably fierce, and said very severely, ^ It's
my firm belief that these things yon have here were not honestly come
by," and having pointedly dehvered himself to this efiect, he turned his
back upon the Jewess, who was laughing very loudly, and quitted the
shop. " It is really my opinion," he continued, addressing Valentine^
'Uhat the whole of those things have been stolen."
" Why, of course. That is well understood."
*^ Indeed !" cried Uncle John, and as he stopped short to wonder
that things which were well understood to have been stolen, should be
nnblushingly exposed in open day, the attention of Valentine was fixed
upon a jacket which hung at an old clothes shop opposite. ** It must
be the same," thought he, '' surely ! but then there's no chance of the
card being in it."
** Any things in ma vay to-day ?" said a Jew who had been watching
his countenance. " Any things to puy or to shell ?"
** Let me look at that jacket," said Valentine.
** What are you about V cried Uncle John.
**' 1 merely vdsh to see that jacket."
**What, are you going to set up on your own account Val, as a barber ?"
Uncle John smiled and felt much amused; but Valentine smiled
not at all : he took the jacket with great eagerness from the hands
of the Jew, and searched the pockets. They were empty! His
hopes were again blasted. He searched them again, and again ; and
at length found a hole ! He revived. The card might have worked
its way through it. He extended his search zealously between the
striped materiid and the lining, and eventually in the comer he felt
something closely doubled up. He drew it forth : it tixu the card of
him whom he had rescued ! the father of her in whom his dearest
hopes had been centred. He saw the name of Raven distinctly:
he could also make out the greater part of the address. At that mo-
ment how pure was his happiness ! He felt so delighted, so joyous !
Uncle John looked amazed, and the Jew, whose fiist impression was
that the card was at the very least a fifty pound note, looked quite as
much amazed as Uncle John.
** What is the price of this Jacket ?" enquired Valentine.
"Vy," said the Jew, "it shan't be tear at a crown. The card
sheems to pe vorth arl the moneesh."
" I wan't but the card," said Valentine, giving the sum donanded.
'* III make you a present of the jacket."
" Nothing elsh in ma vay ?" said the Jew who felt very much dis-
satisfied with himself for having asked so small a sum.
292 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
" No, nothing," replied Valentine. '" Nothing/' and he hunied his
uncle out of the lane as soon as possible.
^' Now what's all this what's all this business ?* demanded Uncle
John, having made a dead stop at the comer.
" I am happy," cried Valentine, " perfectly happy," and he entered
at once into a minute explanation of the circumstances connected with
the miich valued card.
" Well, and what do you want to see the girl again for ?*' enquired
Uncle John. " You can do nothing more for her now."
^' But she wished me to call," observed Valentine ; ^' and so did her
father, and therefore I must, as a matter of mere courtesy."
"Courtesy! Fiddlesticks!" rejoined Uncle John. "It's my
opinion that you'd not be so anxious about the business if it were but
a matter of mere courtesy. Did you ever see the girl before ?"
"No, never!"
" Tlien its my firm belief that you had better not see her again.
You'll only make a fool of yourself. I don't at all like these romantic
afiairs ^they never come to any good. It was all very well for you to
save a fellow-creature. I admire your spirit and your motive ; but,
take my advice, and don't go."
" But she is so sweet a girl," observed Valentine.
" Sweet ! pooh ! so they are all : I never heard of a girl being saved
who was not. Besides, how do you know who she is, or what she is?
that's the point."
'' I don't know of course I can't tell. I am hence the more anxi-
ous to ascertain."
" Well, I know how it will be I see it all plain enough. But you
can't go to-day, that's quite clear."
" But, why can I not ? "
" What ! have you forgotten that this is the last day of the cattle
show ? I wouldn't miss that for fifty pounds."
" But it surely is not necessary for me to go with you ? "
" Not necessary ! How do you think it possible for me to find my
way about in this wilderness alone ? Besides, I may be run over. A
thousand things may occur. How can you or I, or any body, tell what
may happen !
Of course Valentine could not pretend to any knowledge of what
might occur ; but he nevertheless vdshed the fat cattle were drowned
in the Dead Sea. He had, however, one great consolation ^he had
recovered the card ; and as they rode towards the place at which the
cattle were exhibited, he felt twenty times to ascertain if it were secure,
and eventually determined to wait, with all the patience at his com-
mand, till the following morning.
" Now," said Uncle John, on arriving at the place of exhibition, " I
expect to have a treat, Val, a glorious treat ! " and having entered,
they found the place crowded with all sorts of people, from the noble-
man down to the butclier's boy without a hat.
To the pigs on the left Uncle John first directed his attention. He
was a great judge of pigs, and there lay the poor animals, grunting and
VALENTINE VOX. 293
finoring, and panting, and sqaeaking, while the connoisseurs around
were engaged in the pleasing occupation of slapping their haunches and
pinching and twisting their tails, with the ostensible view of ascertain-
ing how much noise it was possible for them to make. They had, of
course, been made so fat that their ability to stand was out of the
question altogether ; yet, although they were all in the finest state of
corpulency, they looked as uncomfortable as pigs could look by any
conceivable possibility.
" Now, there's a pig for you !" observed Uncle John, as he pointed
to a black lump of flesh, which appeared to be particularly uidiappy.
" That pig weighs ^now, what shall I say ? it weighs above fifty
score!"
" You're wrong!" cried Valentine, throwing his voice towards the
head of the pig ; ^^ 111 bet you a bottle of wine I don't weigh above
forty ! "
Uncle John pursed his lips and knit his brows, and then looked at
the pig's head in a very straightforward manner, and then cocked his
hat on one side, and scratched his head with great freedom, and felt
altogether in a confused state of mind, until he turned towards Valen-
tine, who happened to be smiling, when he saw in the twinkling of an
eye what it was, and cried, lifting his stick, ^*' You young dog 1 there !
if I didn't think that pig spoke, I'm not here !" and Uncle John roared
with laughter. " What a fool !" he continued. " The idea of a pig
offering to bet a bottle of wine he didn't weigh forty score !" and
again iFncle John burst out very merrily, until at length, screwing his
countenance to a very solemn pitch, he gravely added, ^^ But he weighs
fifty score for all that."
Well, they now left the pigs, and went at once to the other side,
where the first class oxen were arranged, with backs as broad as those
of full-sized elephants, and withal so remarkably flat, that had they
happened to have rolled upon those backs, they would have stood no
more chance of getting up again, without mortal aid, than a turtle, on
being placed in a corresponding predicament. And they appeared to be
perfectly cognisant of this, for whenever nature called upon the beasts
to lie down, they obeyed her call as cautiously as Christians.
^' What is the use," enquired Valentine, '^ of fattening these creatures
up to such an extent?"
" The use !" cried Uncle John, " the use ! Why, the use of it is
to see how fat they can be made."
^' But what is the use of seeing how fat they can be made ?"
'^ Why, of course, to ascertain which kind of cattle will fatten, and
which kind will not."
^^ Is that the only good accomplished ?"
^^ The only good !" exclaimed Uncle John. *' Is not that good
enough ? What would be the use of throwing away a lot of fodder
upon cattle that won't fatten at all?"
^^ There is," said Valentine, as gravely as possible, ^' a society in this
wilderness, as you are pleased to term it, for the prevention of cruelty
to animals. Now the officers of that society, I think, ought to take
294 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
Special cognisance of this exhibition, for in my view there cannot be s
species of cruelty more refined than that of fattening animals up to a
state in which they are compelled to gasp at least a hundred and twenty
times per minute. Just notice those poor distressed creatures, how
they pant! Can any man believe that they are not in great pain?
Suppose, for instance, that you and I were in the power of grasners
who felt disposed to experimentalise upon us ; what a sweet state of
mind we should be in if they succeeded in making us in proportion as
fiftt as those beasts."
^^ The grazier who oould succeed, Val, in making you fat, would
deserve a gold medal, thickly studded with precious stones. But we
are men, and they are beasts ; that makes all the difierenoe. The cases
are therefore by no means analogous.'^
Valentine did not suppose that they were; but he conceived that
Uncle John might have oeen brought to explain more distinctly why
beasts were thus fattened to an extent which rendered their existence a
burden, and hence, following the example of Uncle John with the pig,
adhered firmly to his first position, that the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals were bound to interfere.
Now it really was interesting to observe how the farmers and the
butchers felt the various popular parts of the animals as they stood ; but
more interesting still was it to notice how the far more fashionably-
dressed individuals, having stolen a few lessons from the butchers and the
farmers, felt precisely the same parts of those animals, and looked quite
as learned as the butchers and the farmers themselves. One individual,
an external pink of the purest water, made himself particularly con-
spicuous in this way ; first performing the operation of nipping the
animals, and then giving his judgment upon each to two ladies, who
were of his party, with infinite eloquence and point. Valentine was
highly amused by this exquisite pretender : he felt his proceedings to
be ridiculous in the extreme, and therefore watched him very narrowly
until he reached the ox which had gained the first prize, and which he
began to feel, of course, with consummate dexterity.
** Now, dim*t pinch !'' cried Valentine, throwing his voice towards
the mouth of the ox, which, as if to complete the illusion, at that mo-
ment turned its head round, ** it's of no use ! ^you don't understand it !"
The exquisite started back greatly confused, while the ladies were
excessively alarmed at the announcement.
'* Well, dang my boottons ! " cried a countryman, " if ever I heerd
tell o' the like o' that !"
It is very extraordinary,'* suggested the exquisite.
Stromary ! I never come across such a thing afore in all my boom
days. That's woot he goot the prize for, dang me, I shoodn't wonder,
I'll be bound to say no doot."
Uncle John oould keep silent no longer. He burst into a roar, which
80 powerfully convulsed him, that be felt liimself bound to hold on by
the tail of the next ox.
This seemed to awaken the suspicions of the pink. He could not,
it b true, understand it exactly ; but he was satisfied that the animal
4C
r i
r T
YALENTTNE VOX. 295
had spoken by no means. His courage therefore returned, and being
positively brave, he placed his hand upon the animal again.
" Don't ! there's a good fellow I pray don't ! " said Valentine, throw-
ing his voice as before. ^' You've no idea how sore I am round about
the tail."
And this doubtless was precisely what the animal would have said,
if it could in reality have spoken ; for as be had been at the exhibi-
tion some days, his most popular points, that is, being interpreted,
those points which true judges invariably assail, must have been ex-
tremely tender ; but whether these were the words which the animal
would in such an event have uttered, or not, it is perfectly certain that
they had the effect not only of inducing the exquisite to withdraw
his hand on the instant, but of inspiring those aionnd him with
wonder.
'* Here^ Bill ! " cried a butcher, addressing his friend, ^' p^raps this
aint a rum start ! sen I may live if this box cam*t talk reg'lar.''
^^'Do vot?'* cried the gentleman to whom this importuit com-
munication had been addressed.
^^ Vy, talk like a brick, and as regular as a Christian.*'
"Yes -over!" said his friend, with an expression of incredulity.
"But I tell yer I heered him so there cam't be no mistake."
"VotI do you mean to go for to think that you'll gammon me
mto that ere?"
^' Veil arks these ere genelmen ! don't believe me arout you like !
they all heered him." And the batcher proceeded to aocumidate such
collateral evidence as he felt must* establish the thing to the entire sa-
tisfaction of his incredulous friend; but as Uncle John still roared
with laughter, and kept holding on by the tail of the next ox with such
unexampled firmness that the animal must have felt that the design was
to puU out that ornament by the root, it was deemed right by Valentine
just as the butchdr was eloquently entering into the details of the
affair to leave the interesting group t6 solve that which of course was
regarded as a mystery by all.
It was, however, by no means the work of a moment to release the
ox's tul from the grasp of Uncle John. The poor animal stood the
tugging with really exemplary patience; and being too fat to kick,
looked round simply, as if anxious for a brief explanation of the circum-
stances connected therewith ; but he clearly must have felt that if an
assault of such a character had been made before he was fattened* the
assailant would have had his reward.
By dint of great exertion on the part of Valentine, however. Uncle
John was eventually severed from the tail ; but before they had reached
the place in which the sixth and seventh classes were exhibited, loud
cries of " A bull ! a bull ! a bull broke loose !" were heard, and an
awful rush was made towards the pigs. Some terror-stricken gentle-
men leaped with due agility upon the broad flat backs of the cattle,
others mounted the frames near the horns of the beasts, which those
beasts were by no means inclined to submit to, and hence used the
weapons with which nature had provided them, with no inconsiderable
206 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
force and effect ; but by far the greater portion of the alarmed con-
noisseurs rushed with all discreet haste towards the entrance with
countenances strongly expressive of the most lively apprehensions, while
the females were screaming, and the male alarmists shouting ^' A pole
axe ! a pole axe there ! ^let him be killed !"
As soon as the place from which the terrorists had so unceremoniously
decamped became clear, Uncle John, who had slipped with suipaasing
dexterity behind an ox, followed Valentine in, and beyond all dispute
there was a short-homed heifer endeavouring with all the zeal and in-
genuity of which she was capable to slip the halter oyer her head,
having evidently been pinched until her popular points had become so
sore that she had made up her mind to endure it no longer. Two la-
bourers however most bravely approached and effectually frustrated her
ladyship's design, a striking fact which was duly and promptly an-
nounced, and as the alarmists were returning with appropriate caution.
Uncle John ascertained that it v^as time for him to start, when he and
Valentine left the exhibition highly pleased vdth the varied entertain-
ment it had afforded.
CHAPTER XXXVI.
THE MUTUAL RECOGNITION AND THE INTERVIEW THE POLITE IN-
VITATION, AND THE DINNER.
It may, as a general thing, be stated that men spend their most
miserable hours in bed, when they are anxious to go to sleep and
cannot. They turn and turn, and with every turn thoughts of a most
uncomfortable character are engendered ; yet although they pray heartily
and fervently for the morning, their heads really seem to be sealed to
their pillows, when that whidi they prayed for arrives. Such, however,
was not the case with Valentine. It is true he turned over and over
continually throughout the night, but his thoughts were of the most
pleasing character, being of her ^whom he felt that he loved : it is
also true that he wished for the morning, but when it arrived instead
of finding him apparently sealed to the pillow, it found him knocking
violently at Uncle John's door, and exerting all the powers of suasion
at his command to induce him to get up at once. He really marvelled
that men should lie in bed so long. It was then eight o'clock, and al-
though his own time had been heretofore nine, it then struck him as
extraordinary that it had not been seven, and having eventually ex-
torted a promise from Uncle John that he would rise on the instant, ho
returned to his own room to dress.
Now, it has been said that all is vanity ; and if vanity be thus con-
tradistinguished from pride, that whereas pride prompts us to esteem
ourselves highly, vanity stimulates us to win the esteem of others ^it
is quite clear that vanity is not a bad passion, but on the contrary one
VALBNTINB VOX. 297
which ought fondly to be cherished. But it has also been said, and
that too hj an ancient philosopher, that man is too proud to be vain,
and if he be, it is abundantly- manifest that vanity is not quite so
general a thing ; but assuming this to be wrong, that is to say, assuming
that men are in reality vain, and that vain men are in the abstract es-
sentially wicked, it still appears to be quite consistent with reason to
contend that if there be a time at which the development of vanity is
venial, it is that at which men are about to see those whom they love,
and by whom they therefore hope to be loved in return. They are
then the most anxious to win the esteem of others ; and if this be the
true definition of vanity, it follows that Valentine himself was most
vain on the memorable morning in question. He was never so long
dressing before. He was indeed so extremely particular that he even
astonished himself; but eventually, conceiving that Uncle John must be
out of patience, he gave a last long lingering look at the glass, and went
down into the parlour. Uncle John was not there. He too must have
been more than usually particular that morning; for in general he was
dressed and down in less than five minutes. Well, Valentine waited :
he waited ten minutes^ and thought that sufficiently horrible; but
when he had waited a quarter of an hour, he darted at once up to
Uncle John's room, and knocked as if the house had been in
flames.
^' Aye, aye," cried Uncle John, whom* the knocking had awakened
from a dream which had reference to some astonishing turnips which
he had seen at the show the day before, and immediately after he had
said " Aye, aye,^' he gave a very, very long cosey yawn.
*^ What, are you not up yet V cried Valentine.
Uncle John instantly rolled out of bed and cried ^^ Up ! yes, of
course I" which of course was the Ukd, " 111 be down in five minutes,"
he added with truly remarkable presence of mind, and within the five
minutes he was down.
^ What a time you have been !" observed Valentine, seating himself
at the table.
^^ I've been dreaming," returned Uncle John, " of those turnips. I
thought that you un&rtook to swallow one m and thirty inches in
circumference whole."
" And did I do it ?"
^* To the utter astonishment of all beholders it slipped clean down
like a pill."
'' It must have appeared that I possessed a most extraordinary
swallow ; but do you think of going out this morning at all ?"
^' Why no, my boy, really i don t think I can. This racing about
day after day knocks me up altogether."
^^ Then I'll return as soon as possible. I shall not be gone long."
*' Gone? Why where are you going ?"
*^ To call on those persons I named to you yesterday. Don't you
remember ?"
Uncle John it was clear had forgotten all about it ; but he now re-
collected the circumstance and shook his head gravdy. '^ I know,"
QQ
298 LIFB AND ADTBNTURBB OF
said he, " that if I endeavouT to penuade you to keep away finmi tliat
girl, you will be the more anxious to go ; that is perfectly dear. I shall
therefore say no more about it. You are at liberty to go, sir, but
remember, if you associate yourself with any creature who can be
picked up on board a steam-packet, I disown you at once, sir, I dis-
own you."
*' Uncle !" said Valentine, in a tone of remonstrance, *^ can yon
suppose "
'^ I'll hear nothing more about it,'* interrupted Uncle John, *^ I see
clearly how it will be. You'll make a fool of yourself, sir ! ^but go by
all means, and if you are not back in less than two hours, I shall go out
without you. I can't live in this hole of London without a litue ex-
ercise ; no man can do it. Therefore^ two hours, mark ! I'll not wait
another moment."
It will hence be perceived that Uncle John was rather angry ; bat
he notwithstanding shook hands with Valentine, and explained before
he left that as he had great confidence in his judgement and discretion,
he felt sure that he would commit no act of foUy that would shake it.
The concluding observation he deemed highly politic. *^ Suspicion,**
thought he, '* is the parent of the thing we suspect ; but let any one
feel that fiiU confidence is reposed in him and he will think and think
a long time before he betrays it."
Without hearing anothw discouraging word, therefore, Valentine
started for Bryanrtone-square, but on ms wbj felt as if within the
hour he should know if the germ of his life's happiness would strike
root or wither. He had never before conceived it to be possible for
the slightest imperfection to characterise her in whom his hopes were
concentered. His impression had been that he had but to see her
again to be happy. Uncle John had placed his thoughts in a doubting
direction : yet where the grounds were that could justify doubt, really
Valentine could not conceive. ^^ If she be not," thought he, *^ what 1
feel that Ae is, why ^why then must I strive to foivet her : but 111
not do her the injustice to suppose that she is not. I feel convinced
that I am not mistaken." And with this convictioa firmly impressed upon
his mind, he readied the house.
Itwas a larffB one ! rather awfully large : he could not help feeling that
he should have liked it somewhat better, had it been a little smaller 1 ^he
had had no idea of its being sudi a size I It could not be the right one !
He must have made a mistake, either in the name of the square, or in
the number I He passed it, and drew forth the card. No ! all was*
correct I ^' Surdy," thought he, ^ this must be the game card V And
he leaUy bmm to feel not quite sure even of that ; but in order to put
an end to aJl doubt on the subject, he went to the door and knocked
boldly ^albeit, there was somethmg in the sound of the knocker a little
too aristocratic.
^' Mr. Raven," said he, when the door had been opened, in a tone
more than usually dedded and severe.
^* Not at home, dr," replied the servant, whose Uray was of the
gayest description.
VALENTINE TOX. 299
^^ What time is he nsoally at home V enquired Valentiiie, drawing
forth his card-case.
*^ About this time, sir, generally," said the servant. ^^ He is seldom
out before one or two."
Valentine having left his card, thereupon turned from the door; but
his eye was at the moment attracted by one who had darted to the
window, and who recognised him instantly ! What was to be done ?
The recognition veas mutual ; yet ought he-Hshe bowed to him ! that
was sufficient : he returned : the door had not been closed ; but before
he had time to say a syllable to the servant, an angel, in the perfect si-
militude of her wh(n he had saved, seized his hand, and led him into
the room.
^^ I am so glad to see you !" she exclaimed. '^ Indeed I scarcely can
tell how delighted I am !" and she led him to a seat, and sat very,
very near him ; and they gazed upon each other, and looked very pale,
and felt really very awkward and stupid.
Valentine could not get over it at all ! -but he had always been a
fool in the presence of ladies. He would have met Satan himself, in
tlie shape of a man, wiUiout a nerve being fluttered ; but if one of his'
majesty's most minute imps had appeared in the semblance of a woman,
that imp would in limine have b^ten him hollow.
It will not, therefore, by any means be deemed very extraordinary,
that the lady, in this instance, should have been the first to recover : in
hdy the recovery of Valentine was rather remote^ when she exclaimed,
^^ Oh, how I do wish that papa would return ! He would, indeed, be
so happy to see you. He has been talking about you every day since ;
and we did so wonder you had not called there he is !" she continued,
starting up, as a knock came to the door. And it really was a most
undeniable knock. It vvas like the commencement of the overture to
Semiramide. She therefore could not by any possible chance have
been mistaken. It seemed, too, as if the servant knew something of the
tune ; for the last bar had scarcely been executed, when he flew across
the hall, with an apparently just and well-groimded apprehension of
an immediate encore.
Valentine now heard the voice of authority, which was also the
voice of Mr. Baven ; and as his daughter glided gracefully to meet
him in the hall, he cried, ^^Well, Louise ! an^hing turned up
fresh r
** This is the gentleman, papa, who preserved us," said Louise, as he
entered the room.
*' Ah ! my brave fellow 1" exclaimed Mr. Baven. '' How are you ?
Glad to see you ^very glad right glad ! God bless you ! But why
have you not been before V*
Valentine whom the presence of Mr. Raven had relieved from all
embarrassment ^now explained all the circumstances connected with
the card ; and as he dwelt vrith considerable emphasis and eloquence
upon his anxiety to regain it, and the pleasure its recovery had induced,
Louise watched his countenance with the earnestness of love; and
every word, every tone, sank deq into her heart.
300 LIFE AlTD ADTSNTURES OP
*^ God blesB you ! God bless you !" excbiimed Mr. Raven, and some-
thing like a tear stood in his eye as he spoke ; and he shook the hand
of Valentine again very warmly, as he added, *' You don't know you
can't know how atunotu we have been to see you 1 But come, come !
you'll dine with us to-day, as a matter of course V
" I should be happy ^most happy ^but my uncle is in town," ob-
served Valentine.
" Well, bring your uncle with you, of course !" said Mr. Rai^eo.
^^ Give my compliments, and tell him I shall be happy to see him to
take pot-luck. I'll send my carriage for him at five."
" Pot-luck !" thought Valentine " that's very extraordinary." He
had heard of pot-luck before, certainly ; but never in immediate connec-
tion with a carriage. However, he&ncied that all this would tend to as-
tonish the nerves of Uncle John ; and therefore having acknowledged
the politeness of Mr. Raven, he rose and took leave, as the bell rang a
peal that would have inspired a whole village with spirit.
" WeU, what think you now, Val ? What think you now T said he,
addressing himself in the second person singular, the moment he had
'left the house. ^^ She is indeed veiy beautiful very ! But what sort
of people can they be ? She is elegant in her mannen very ladylike
indeed ^but her fiither is clearly not very refined ; and yet what a su-
perb style they live in I He must be some one of importance ^yet I
cannot remember to have heard the name associated with distinction !
He was puzded greatly pu2zled. He conceived that Mr. Raven had
scarcely the manners of a gentleman, and certainly not those of an aris-
tocrat ! Still he found it hard to associate vulgarity with the style in
which he lived. What he had been, or what he could be, therefore,
Valentine was unable to conceive. It was a mystery altogether ; and
one in which he continued to be so mentally involved, that he had
reached home before he even thought that he was near.
" Well, my boy," said Uncle John, who as Valentine entered was
sitting with lus heds upon the mantel-piece ; ^^ well, have you seen
herr
" I have," replied Valentine.
^' Ah ! she's a lovely girl, isn't she ? fascinating, interesting, beau-
tiful ! eh ?"
' She is, indeed !"
" Of course !" cried Uncle John, " I could have sworn it ! She is
all that is graceful and elegant, highly, very highly accomplished, with
a German or perhaps a Grecian nose, and a remarkable couple of beau-
tiful black eyes of course blazing away like brilliants. That's the gin-
Is she a milHner ?"
" No, she lives with her &ther."
^' Is her father a cobbler, or does he keep a snuff-shop ?"
'^ I can't make out at all what he is. I am unable to imagine what
he can be."
^' He lives by his wits, perhaps; a gambler, or something of thft^
sort?"
^' No, I don't think he is," said Valentine carelessly.
VALElfTniE VOX. 301
^* Don't think he is ! Pray, did you see him f
^^ Oh, yes ; he has invited you and me to go and take pot-luck i^vith
him."
^^ Pot-luck !" said Uncle John; '^ I expect it would indeed be pot-
luck, and very poor pot-luck too. What is he going to have, Val,
pickled pork and cabbage V
" I don*t at all know what he'll give us; but of course you'll go?"
"Go, I go? Decidedly not."
" But his carriage will be here for you at five. "
" His what !" cried Uncle John ; '^ his carriage !" The idea struck
him as being so amusing and so good, that he laughed very heartily ;
he really could not help it. " What sort of a carriage is it, Yal ?" he
enquired, " what sort of a carriage, my boy V*
*^ Upon my life," replied Valentine, '^ I don't know what colour it
is, never having seen it ; but if it conesponds at all with the liveries,
and I dare say it does, it's a dasher V
Uncle John looked at Valentine earnestly. He thought there was
something in it certainly he did go so far as to think that; but then
he really could not go one single step fJEurther. *^ Now," said he, " i$
this one of your jokes ? Because if it is, you had better tell me, that
I may know how to act. Is it, or is it not, a joke V
" Upon my honour," sud VaJentine, " no." And to the utter as-
tonishment of Undo John, he explained all the circumstances just as
they occurred.
" Why, what an extraordinary piece of busmess to be sure !" said
Unde John, with an expression of amazement. " But I'll go ! oh !
Ill go ! although I'm sure to make a fool of myself. I'm sure of it !
/ know nothing of.aristocratic etiquette, which changes, I'm told, about
twenty times a month. It may, for example, be the feshion to take
soup with a fork, and I'm just as likely as not, you see, to catch up a
spoon."
" Oh, you'll be able to manage it very well. Besides, these are not
very, very aristocratic people."
" I don't know so much about that," sidd Unde John, " you can't
judge. Sometimes that which is in others deemed the essence of vul-
garity, is in them held to be the very acme of refinement. They do
it, I suppose, to show off their independence ^to prove that they can
do that which, but for them, others would never dare attempt. I
recollect that, at our last election dinner, we had Lord George Rattle,
who is considered, of course, the veiy perfection of refinement, and
every eye was, in consequence, upon him. Well he cocked the knife
in his mouth, and took the win^ of a fowl in his fingers, and placed his
elbows upon the table, and picked his teeth violently. Why, such
proceedings had been considered by all rather unparliamentary, if not
mdeed vmgar in the extreme : but then, what was the consequence ?
Why, at the next public dinner we had, lliere was scarcely a fork used ;
the flesh of the chickens was gnawed off the bones, and while almost
CYery man placed his elbows upon the table, there was really such a
picking of teeth, you would have thought that all the crickets in all
302 LIFB AND APTBNTURBS OF
the bake-houses in the empire had assembled in honour of the occasion.
But 111 go ! of course, that I have made up my mind to." And he
commenc^ at once bustling about, with the view of making himself as
tidj as possible.
Well, five o'clock came, and a carriage rattled up to the docnr. Unde
John ran to the window, and was amazed ! It was one of the very
gayest he had seen, not excepting even that of the under-sheriff. The
widow Smugman was struck almost dumb ! she could scarcely axmounoe
its arrival.
^'Are you ready?" said Valentine, addressing Uncle John, who
really felt fidgetty himself at the moment.
^ Yes, quite ready -quite," was the hasty reply, and they descend-
ed, of course with due dignity of aspect, and entered the carriage
forthwith.
** I don't think that fellow could look at a man," said Uncle John,
as the carriage drove off, ^' without touching his hat. It comes, how-
ever, natural to him, I suppose. A little less of it, perhaps, would be
as well. But what will Uie widow think of a canriage like this, lined
with rose-pink satin, driving up to her door ! Why, slie'U be about as
proud of it as if it were her own ! Did you see how astonished
she looked? Upon my life, she must suppose that we are highly
connected."
And it really was an elegant carriage ; but then no man oonld see it
without feeling sure that display was the hobby of its owner. The
horses, too, were of the most^showy character, and, as they seemed to
be unable to go at a less rapid rate than that of ten miles an hour, they
of course very soon reached the house, before which they stopped
almost as instantaneously as if the pole had been absolutely driven
against an unyielding stone wall.
^^ They muat have gone upon their haunches. I don't mysdf see
how they could ." At this moment Uncle John was interrupted
by an unexampled knock at tlie door, which was instantly opened,
when he and Valentine alighted with all the dignity of which they
were capable, and were shown at once into a magnificent drawing-
room, in which the really-beautiful Louise and her father received them
vrith great cordiality and warmth.
Louise looked more bvely than ever; and as Valentine was com-
paratively free from embarrassment, he certainly did appear to great
advantage himself. This imparted mutual pleasure, and they chatted
very freely and with infinite gaiety, while Uncle John was made to
feel just as much at home as if he had known Mr. Baven for years.
This was pleasant ^they all felt it to be pleasant ; and when dinner
was announced, Mr. Baven looked at Valentine, as he bowed, and
waved his hand towards Louise, and then seizing the arm of Unde
John, observed, ** We two old fogies will go down togetha'," an obser-
vation which was certainly remarkable in itself.
Now the first thing which struck Uncle John, as he entered tiie
dining-room, was the plate. It was really of the most massive and
gorgeous description, and displayed in such style, and moreover in such
I'
*
t
'1
\
? )
TALENTINE VOX. 303
extraoidmary qnantitiea, that he could not but think that Mr. Raven
must poneas the wealth of Croesus.
Tliere was, however, one thing which, in Uncle John's judgment,
spoilt all ; and that was the restless anxiety of Mr. Raven to inspire
him with the belief that he was totally unprepared to receive him. *' I
beg that you will excuse us to-^day," he would observe : then, ^* You see
we are quite in the rough ;" then, ^^ I*m afraid you'll not be able to
make a dinner^' then, ** You see we have only a snack ; as, of course,
we didn't expect to have the pleasure of your company." And these
apologies were so constantly reiterated, that Uncle John ^who had
never in his life sat down to a more sumptuous dinner was heartily
filad when it was over, for he didn't like to say, '* Oh, don't mention
it ;" or " I beg that you'll not apolo^ae"* or ** Really it will do very
well ;" or indeed anything of that sort, because he felt that that would
not convey quite enough : nor did he like to say, *^ Upon my life, I
never sat down to a more splendid dinner," because he felt that that
fniffkt convey a little too much 1 he therefore said nothing, in reply
to those apologies ; but laboured to put down the nuisance, by bowing.
Of course Valentine could not help noticing this ; but he was then &r
too deeply engaged with Louise, to think much about the motive which
prompted the annojrance. It was perfectly manifest that he was not
annojred. On the contiary, he had never felt so happy before : nor,*'in-
deed, had Louise. Thev were really delighted with each other : and
their eyes ! It will probably be useless to say how they looked ; but
tiiat they met as if the two pair had been under the absolute guidance
of one soul, is quite certain.
Mr. Raven, immediately after dinner, commenced drinking ynth
great fireedom ; and this had the effect of causing him gradually to
throw off that sort of restnunt, which his wealth and the style in
which he lived had imposed. He became very communicative indeed,
and v^y joyous, when Valentine, who had taken spedal care of hb own
fiicuhies, cUscovered the real character of the man.
^^ Come, come ! you don't drink f cried Mr. Raven, slapping Undo
John heartily upon the shoulder. ^* Come I never mind the young un's
cleave them to themselves, while we too old codgers enjoy ourselves,
eh ? You're just the sort of fellow I like ! None of your stiff, upstart
penniless men in buckram, for me ! You're just the man after my own
heart ! so let's both be jolly, eh ? let's both be jolly !"
Uncle John had no objection.
*^ Bui," continued Mr. Raven, with truly awful solemnity, ^^ I feel
that I have one great duty to perform. Louise, my girl, fill up a bumper
a bumper, my girl, for this toast I I rise," he continued, very slowly and
very emphatically, ^* I rise to propose the health of one to whose brave
and noble nature we ^I and my girl- owe our present existence. That
young man,'' he added, pointing to Valentine and looking at Uncle John,
^^ saved my life, he saved the life of my child ! God bless him !" Here
Valentine rose to take the hand extended towards him, the owner of
which was for some time unable to proceed. *^ I can't," he at length
added, ^give expression to my fedings, my feelings won't let roe ;
but if ever I forget him, may I be forgotten ! If ever I cease to be
304 LIFE AlfD ADTENTITRIB OF
giateful God bless you !" He could then sfty no mme, bat andcbAdL
in his chair, and having wiped away the tean which almost blinded
him, emptied his crlaes and replenished.
Ilie pride of Uncled John at that interesting moment was quite
beyond conception. His opinion of Valentine hm previously of course
been very high ; but at that moment really, in his judfimeot,he was the
most splendid fellow that ever lived, and in the warmth of his fillings he
expressed himself precisely to this ejBFect, and Mr. Raven entirely a^eed
with him, when Valentine acknowledged the toast in a highly appropriate
speech, and shortly after Louise, though reluctantly, retired.
*^ There," said Mr. Raven, addressing Uncle John the very moment
Louise had left the room, '' what do you think of that girl, eti ?
what do you think of her for a pawnbroker's daughter ?"
' Upon my life," said Uncle John, ^' you ought to be proud of her.**
'' Proud, sir, I am proud ! Why that girl, when I was in busiDeaB,
kept the whole of my books, sir ! what do you think of that ? and
never made an error of a penny ? Would you believe it ? She wae
worth to me more than fifty clerks put together. She worked like a
horse, and now see what she is I"
*^ She is indeed very elegant," observed Uncle John.
^^ I believe you !" exclaimed Mr. Raven. ** Talk of your aris-
tocracy I rd back her against the first lady in the land, altiiough she
ii but a pawnbroker's daughter."
'^ You have of course been out of business some 3rear8 V
^* Five, sir, five years come Christmas. Td a long spell at it, a veiy
long spell ; but I've done the trick, although I did commence as a poor
ra^;ed boy V*
'' Nothing," said Unde John, ^^can be more pleasing than the reflec-
tions of a man who has been the architect of his own fortune."
^' Of course not !*' exclaimed Mr. Raven, who was highly delighted.
^' Of course not. I glory in it. I feel that there's ttie more credit
due to me, eh ? Why when I began life I hadn't, if you'll believe me^
such a thing as a penny in my pocket, nor scarcely a rag to my back,
yet ^ now what I am ! I began as a boy to run of enands, clean
knives, shoes and windows, in short, to make myself generally uselu).
I did so; and worked my 'way into the shop, and then married the
governor's daughter and had a share in the business; and then I got it
all, and now I can buy up one-half of your beggarly aristocracy, and
be even then a rich man ! *
^^ It must be a very profitable business," observed Uncle John.
" Yes, it is it is profitable : there's no denying that. But people
make a mistake when they suppose that the profits are chiefly derived
from the poor. The little sums tell up, no doubt ; but fortunes are
made by supplying the wants of our proud peacock beggariy aris-
tocracy ! That is how fortunes are realised ; when you oome to for-
tunes ! Why I've had in one morning in my little room no less than
ten ladies of title ! in one sinele morning, sir ! What do you think
of that?" * ^
'^ You astonish me 1" excUumed Uncle John : and it really is a fact
VALENTINE VOX. 305
that Uncle John was ationiahed. He had never befoce heard of such
ft thing in his life.
** Some," continued Mr. Raven, who was now &irly wanned npon
the subject ^^ some brought me their cases of jeweb; some wore them
and took them off before me, while others brought with them the most
valuable portion of their plate."
^ But did they go into the shop ?"
** No I ^bless your soul, no ; they were somewhat too cunning for
that. They would come to the private door, and whenever they came
they were sure to be trembling on the very verge of ruin. Of course
I understood it ! I knew what it meant. I used to tease them some-
times you know -pretend to be poor just to hear what they would
say. It wouldn't do, however, to carry on long, because they'd go
right dean off into hysterics. I have had them, sir, crying and foint-
ing, and begging and praying ! ^ Now upon my word,' I used to say,
* money is very scarce, but how much wiU do for you V * Oh !' they
would almost aeream * I must have a hundred pounds, or I'm ruined.
Ill leave you my jewels, which cost a thousand ^I must have them
ajB^n to go to Lady Tontine's ball and 111 give you for the accommo-
dation ^irty, forty, fifty, sixty pounds, or anything you like to name.
^Dear, dear, Mr. Raven, do oblige me I' "
^ I wonder," said Uncle John, ^^ they were not ashamed of them-
selves."
** Ashamed I" cried Mr. Raven ; ** your beggarly aristocracy asham-
ed ! Catch them at it ! Sir, they are ashamed of nothing ! they've
got no shame in them. I've seen such scenes, and heard such tales !
the/ve made my hair stand on end, sir, right up on end ! they have
almost made me vow that I'd never again put the smallest faith in
woman ; and I surely never should, but that I knew these tricks were
confined to our beggarly aristocracy. TheyH do any thing to cheat
their husbands any thing in the world ; they gloiy in it absolutely
glory in it ! But, r^y, I couldn't help laughing sometimes. There was
old Lady Lumley she's dead now ; she died about the year , but
tiiat's of no consequence well, she would come, say on a Tuesday,
bustling into the room, in such a fidget and so out of breath, you'd
have thought she had not got another moment to live ^ Well^ Mr.
Raven,' she would say, ^ I've got into another dreadful scrape, and I
must have your dear^ kind asswtance ; I lost all my money last night.
I positively never saw cards go so cross. There really mutt have been
cheating ; but I'm going to meet the same party to-night, and unless I
have a hundred pounds now, I shall never be able to recover my loss.
Ill leave my suite of brilliants : I am sure not to want them till
Friday ; but I have no doubt at all of being able to call for them to-
morrow.' Well, I'd lend her the hundred, and after calling me a ^dear
good creature,' and the rest of it, although if I passed her in the park,
or elsewhere, she'd turn up her aristocratic nose and woiddn't know
me; she'd trot off delighted to her carriage, which she invariably left
at the comer. The next morning she'd call again, not to take away
her diamonds, but to beg of me to let her have another hundred pounds.
R R
BOG LIFE AND ADYBNTURES OF
She'd have lost the hundred she had the day be6iei and perhaps two
or three hundred hesides, which had been given to her by the earl for
some very special purpose. I'd let her have another hundred, for the
diamonds were worth three thousand at least; I believe they originally
cost five ; and the very next morning she'd htteOe in again, the earl
had missed them ! They were his first gift, and unless sue could have
them to wear that night, she would be for ever ruined ! She would
bring, perhaps, a suite of torquoise, pearls, or any thing else she mi^ht
happen to have worn the night before to deposit, until she oould brmg
back the diamonds. And thus she went on ^and thus they all go on,
paying in the long-run at least a thousand per cent, for their money ;
and I've had in my house at one time, sir, jewels, which couldn't have
cost less than five hundred thousand pounds."
'' But of course," said Uncle John, ^^ they eventually redeemed them ?*'
'^ By no means, sir, is it a matter of course ^by no manner of
means. They would go on and on, getting deeper and deeper, until
they could not pay the money advanced, and then of oouise would oome
another jewel robbery."
^^ Why, I'm utterly amazed !" cried Uncle John.
^^ Amazed, sir ! Why, sir, I have known no less than three most
mysterious jewel robberies to be blazing away in the papers in one
single week, when the identical jewels have been in my possession.
Rewards have been offered for the apprehension of the offenders, the
servants have been searched, the houses have been turned upmde down,
and the track of the villains distinctly chalked out, while the creatures
themselves, the very creatures from whose hands I received them, have
been running about from place to place, to give colour to the thing,
apparently in a state of i}^e most absolute distraction. Those lovely
brilliants, those beautiful pearls, those amethysts, Uiose rubies, whidi
they would not have lost for the world ; their birth-day presents and
their marriage gifts, were, alas ! all gone, the cold-hearted robbers had
not left a gem ! These are the tricks, sir these are the tricks ; and
this is how fortunes are made when you oome to speak of fortwim^
not by taking in a string of flat-irons for twopence, or lending a
shilling upon a chemise ! But come, let us sink the diop and talk of
something else. But you woiddn't have supposed it though, would
you ?"
^' I should not, indeed," said Uncle John. ^* Upon my life I could
scarcely have conceived it to be possible."
At this moment a servant entered with a communication from
Louise, which was found to be the prelude to the introduction of oofiee.
This induced Uncle John at once to look at his watch, and to dedaie,
when he had discovered to his astonishment that it was already past
twelve, that he had not an idea of its being so late. He however had
coffee^ and so had Valentine, who had been throughout an attentive
auditor, drawing inferences, and balanmng oonciusions, aa Mr. Raven pro-
ceeded, and at length fiiUy made up his mind to this, that he aidently
loved Louise, but could not have a very high opinion of her tather.
Uncle John now developed strong symptoms of impatience, and a
VAtfiNTTNfe VOX. 307
Mitftiit WHS aooordingly deepatdied for a coach, and wlien its arrivai had
been announced, he and Valentine took leave of Mr. Raven, who was
then, as in &ct he had been throughout the evening, on very high terms
with himself indeed.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
SHOWS HOW UNCLE JOHN ANB VALENTINE MANAGED TO ACERTAIN
THAT KODMAN WAS CONFINED AS A LUNATIC, AND HOW THEY ALSO
MANAQBD TO INTBOBUCB THEMSELVES BODILY INTO THE ASYLUM.
*^' Now I say, governor, what's to be done with this old guy V* en-
quired Horace, alluding to Uncle John, the morning after he and
Valentine had dined with Mr. Raven. ^' He has been here a series of
times you know, and I suppose he'll commence anew series to-morrow.
Now I think you'd better see him. You can't keep on ^ not at home^
forever; besides it looks rotten, precisely as jjf you were anxious to
avoid him^ which don't do you know, and never did ; therefore my
undeniable opinion upon the matter is, that you'd better make a formal
appointment, it will look more like business.''
*' But what am I to say to the man ?" cried Walter.
** Say to him! stick to your original tez^-pecuniary uncomfortables
^unexampled shortness of chips a horrid accumulation of respectable
duas striking his monetary system with paralysis. You know how to
do it.
^' But he's Ghrimwood's greatest friend," said Walter. ^^ He has
come to town, depend upon it, expressly in order to get him out of
those pecuniary difficulties in which we have stated he is involved.
He wUl therefore insist upon knowing where he is. He will put it to
2ue whether I would rather see my brother kept in a state of embar^
vaisment or completely disencumbered. That's the way he'll put it.
I'm sure of it, and what can I say then ? Can I say. No, let him be ;
don't give him any assistance; all wOl come right by and bye? It
strikes me that that wouldn't look gtdte the thing 1"
** Then 111 teU you what had better be done. Fve just thought of
it. Suppose we were to write a lot of letters, you know, dating the
first, for example, at Penzance, there, out by the Land's End, signed
ofoourse ^Grimwood Qoodman/all regular, inviting the old buffer to
run down, and when he gets there let him find another dated Great
Yarmouth, with a similar invitation, and when he gets to Great
Yarmouth let him find another addressed to him stating that business,
which pressed immediately, compelled the undiscoveiable to go to
York, where he should be inexpressibly delighted to see him, and then
when he reaches York let him in a precisely similar fashion be seduced
over to Shrewsbury or Welch Fool ; and thus keep him cutting about
the country until he gi^es the thing up as a bad job eh ? don't you
think that^that would be Mbout the sort of Uaino; ?"
308 LIFS AKD ADTENTVRB8 OF
*^ Honu,'' said hb fiUlier, ^^ you are a very ingenious feUow; but
you are always making the one little mistake oi supposing that eveiy
other man is a fool."
^ Well, but don't you think it would answer to make him go to the
extremes of east, west, north, and south ? I don't know wnat your
sentiments may be upon the matter, but my impression is, that there's
nothing in life so well calculated to make a man give up a chase of this
description,"
^^ And you fimcy he*d ^ frcMn place to place in that way V
" Oo I of course he'd go, ian there be two opinions about it ?"
^^ Psha I nonsense I We might get him, no doubt, to any one of the
places you have mentioned; but wbat if we did? Why, he'd find out
at once that it was a hoax, and then his suspicions for that he has
suspicions now is quite cleai^ would be stronger than ever."
** Well, have it your own way, of couzse you always will. You
never were^ you know, guilty of bdng influenced by those who were
anxious to advise you for your own good. My opinion is, still, that
this dodge might be managed ; but if you won't do it, why, then the
next best thing is to put a bold m upon the matter, and see him at
once. It is perfectly certain that hell never leave London until he has
seen you, and hema^ come across you when you are quite unprepared."
^^ There is certainly something in that," said Widter, ^* and as of
course, I'm never safe, if I leave the house but for a moment, I begin
to think that it wiU perhaps be better to see him here, when I'm pa-
fectly cool and collected."
^^ There can't be half a doubt about it. You know your old nerves
are not worth so much as twopence when they are taken by surpiise.''
^^ Well, give me the pen and ink : 111 write to him now : TU be at
home this evening at seven ? say eight."
A note to this effect wa9 theiefore written and despatdied ; and when
Uncle John and Valentine, whom Raven and Louise had engaged in
conversation that morning for nearly two hours, returned, th^ found it
lying upon the table.
^^ Well, come," said Uncle John, having read the contents, ^Vm to
see this man at last. We shall now, perhaps, hear something about
Goodman."
^^ I fear not," said Valentine, looking at the note. ^' His object, I ap-
prehend, is to tell you the tale he tola me, and if it should, theie wm
remain but one way in which it is posnble to get at the truth. But
tlien that depends so much upon you."
'' Well, my boy 1 Well! Am I not to be trusted ?"
*^ Scarcely in tiiis matter : I'll explain to you why. This man is
very nervous. He conjures up spectres and so on : he actually set fiie
to his house, with the view of bumine out the phantom of his brother,
a circumstanoe which tended, more tiian anything else, to confirm my
suspicions of foul play. Now, if I thought that you could keep youjr
countenance, let what might occur, I'd so frighten that man, that, if
there be anything wrong, we should be perfecUy certain to have a liiO
confessdon."
TALBNTDfB TOX. 909
** There's no danger/' said Unde John, ^ of my bdag unable to do
thai. The thing is too seriooA ur too serious.*'
^^ But can you look steadily at the object, and at nothing but the
object, however ridiculous may be the drcumstanoes connected with its
attainment?"
*^ In such a case I can : I feel that I can and will."
'' Then," said Valentine, '' it shaU be tried. We shall see how he
wiH act : we shall hear what explanation he will give ; and if that ex-
planation be not satisfiustory, and I cannot suppose for a moment that
it wiH be^ why then we must work upon his fears, end I have not the
smallest doubt of the result. There is only one drawback ; Horaoe,
his son, who is perhaps quite as reckless as he is vulgar, will doubtless
be with him. It will not be very easy, I apprehend, to alarm him ;
but our point will be gained, notwithstanding, provided you look at the
object alone."
'' rU do it !** said Uncle John firmly. ' I'll do it I 111 not move a
muscle, except indeed it be with the ^ew of expressing surprise."
Very well. This point being thus satisfactorily settled, they sat
down to dinner, and at half past seven precisely they started for Wal-
ter's residence, where they found him and Horace with a pile of docu-
ments before them, with which they appeared to have been deeply en-
gaged.
^ Ah ! my old tar ?" exclaimed Horace, seizing Valentine's hand as
he and Uncle John entered the room, ''Why what have you been
doins with your body for the last half centuiy ? We havn't seen so
much as a bit of you for an age 1"
** You are^o seldom at home 1" observed Valentine significantly.
*^l%r," said Walter, addressing Uncle John, 'Tm proud to know
you. Take a seat. I am sorry that I should have been so unfortunate
as to be out whenever you have done me the honour of calling : but
I have been so much engaged with my brother's busmess that really
I've had scarcely a moment to myself."
^ Have you heard from him lately ?" enquired Uncle John,
'* The other day/' replied Walter. ^^ Last what day was it Horace 7
Thursday ? Friday ?"
^* Thursday, you know," said Horaoe. ** Don't you remember ? -
The day you went to Lincoln's Inn."
** Aye ! so it was, of course I ^it was Thursday. I had forgotten."
^ He was quite well, I hope ?"
^* Why, yes: as weU as you might expect, you know, under the cir-
cumstances. His difficulties have been and are still very pressing and
Tery vexatious. When a man once gets back, sur, it's a long time before
he gets forward again."
*'That is true," said Unde John; ''very true. But what is the
nature of those d^culties, may I ask f '
** They are of an excee^gly complicated character : indeed, so com-
plicated are they, that I fear we shall never be able to arrange them
vrith any degree of completeness. These papers which you now see
before you au relate to tfie various speculations in which he has been
310 LIFB AHD A IIVKH T URB fl OP
engaged. My son and I have been woiking at them oonetaiitfy, almost
night and day for the last month, bnt we really can make notiimg of
them.*'
^ Well, Fto known him for a nnmber of j^eais," said Unde J^ii,
** but I never before knew that he was a specnktmg man. I know he
nsed not to be.''
^No : it's only within the last year or two that he has been mad
enoneh to engage in them, and some of them are really of the wildest
description tmit can possibly be conceived. It wonld have beoi indeed
a happy thing could he have been satisfied with that which he had.
Bnt he was led into it blindly led into it."
** Bnt what kind of speculations were they ?*'
^ Speculations, sir ; some of them of a description so absurd, that
you'd think that the man must have been insane to have aoythmg to
do with them."
^ But what is thek nature ?"
** Upon my word they axe so various and so mixed up together, that
it IB perfectly impossible to explain. There is only one thin^quite cer-
tain, which is this, that he's an utteriy mined man."
*^ That is indeed most unfortunate ; but if such be the case, why does
he continue to keep out of the way ?- why does he not meet the thing
boldly? IsheinTovm?"
Oh I dear me, no : he left immediately : he wouldn't stop an hour
after he found how thiujB^s were."
^ I suppose," said nude John, *^ in hct^ I believe you have ex-
plained to my nephew that he is anxious for his present place of re-
sidence to be kept a profound secret. Now, sir, we are friends of long
standing : I have known him now nearly forty years ; and during the
whole of that period, our confidence in each other has been of a cha-
racter the most implicit and unreserved. I therefore feel that he cannot
Dbject to my knowing where he is ; my conviction, in &ct, is strong,
that he cannot be anxious to remain concealed from me."
** My dear sir," said Walter, ^^ If there be one friend whom he respects
more than another, it is yourself; but he has enjoined me most stricUy
to communicate the secret to no one, not even to you."
Tis false !" cried Valentine, assuming the voice of GkKdman, and
making it appear to proceed from the passage.
" Hal-lo !" exclaimed Horace. " Why, what's o'clock, now ?" and
seizing one of the candles, he rushed towards the door, ^while Walter
trembled from head to foot.
*^ What* s that ?" quickly demanded Uncle John ^looking earnestly
at the trembling virretch before him. ^* What's that l"-*he repeated m
a whisper, which seemed absolutely to strike to the vrretch's heart.
Walter started : he was speechless : his eyes glared wildly ; and al-
though they were directed stealthily towards the door, he had not the
courage to turn his head.
'^Who are you 9" cried Horace, on reaching the passage. ^^Come
in ! don't stand shivering there in the cold ! Oh, there s nobody"-
VALENTINE VOX. 811
he contimied as he banged the door with violenee. ^' It's nothbg but
fimoy,"
*^ It's a very extraordinary fancy," observed Uncle John, ^' if &ncy it
be ; and very mysterious in its effects."
^^ Why governor ! governor V cried Horace, shaking his father an
operation v^hich was perfectly unnecessary seeing that he was shaking
quite sufficiently, vnthout such assistance. ^^ Why, what are you about!
are you mad V
The blood of Walter appealed to be freezing in his veins ; his lips
became livid ; while his eyes seemed glazed with an unearthly film, and
he looked altogether very horrible. He did, however, at length, on
being roused, manage to articulate indistinctly, what was understood to
be a declaration that, since his illness, his nerves had been so weak, that
the slightest noise alarmed him.
^' Valentine is right," thought Uncle John. '^ There is, indeed, some-
thing very wrong here."
^^ Walter !" said Valentine, in a tone of great solemnity, throvring his
voice as before.
" Who's there?" cried Walter, with an expression of terror the
most absolute.
" Governor /" cried Horace, " Don't be a fool ! You're enough to
make a man jump clean out of his skin. There's no one !-^of course,
there is no one."
^^ Some one pronounced the name of Walter," observed Uncle John,
looking seriously at Horace.
" Oh ! it's only somebody having a game l" returned Horace ; ^^ I
should like to be behind him, whoever he is. I'd make him remember it."
'' Walter !" repeated Valentine.
" Oh I this won't do !" cried Horace, darting to the door. " Who's
there ? I'll soon see who it is," he continued, returning for a light.
^' Now, old fellow, where are you ? I only want to see you, that's alL
D'ye hear 1 Susan ! Have you any fellow there with you ? because if
you have. 111 just break his blessed neck, you know ; and no mistake
about it."
Susan, on the instant, indignantly flew up, vnth the view of repu-
diating the implied imputation.
^' Have you let any fellow in, I ask you ?" cried Horace.
'FeUerI if^ let a feUer in ! Wellj I'm sure l"
^^ I only want to catch one I that's aU ! If I wouldn't give him
pqfper ! Has any one been ?"
^' No ! " cried Susan, *^ I never lets fellers in ; I'll not have my
character taken away, / know.''
*^ Oh 1 don't bother me with your rubbish," cried Horace, returning
to the room, and closing the door agn violently. ^^ I should only just
like to set eyes on hnn! that's aU the harm I wish him. But,
Governor ! come ! don't be a fool ! "
Walter tried desperately to shake off his feais^ but in vain. He still
sat as if utterly paralysed. His mouth was open; his limbs were
312 UPB AND ADVENTURES OP
powerleBBy and h looked as if he expected eveiy instant to hear the
voice again.
** This won't de, you know !" cried "Biomoe. ** Here have a glass
of wine." And he rose in order to reach the decanter, which stood cm
the sideboard ; but the moment he had risen, a knock was heard at the
door!
Again Walter started, and cauffht his breath convulsivdy; but
Horace, lifdne his hand to enjoin silence, crept softly across the room.
Another knock was heard, and in an instant Horace had opened the
door, and seized Susan by the throat.
She screamed, of course, violently, and struggled with approprii^
desperation ; but it was not until Horace ^whoee lace having recently
been burnt, was very tender^ had been dreadfhUy scratcheo, that he
became sensible of the error he had committed.
*^ GKod Heavens ! " ezdaimed Mrs. GK)odman from above. ^* What
on earth is the matter ?"
^* Here's Mr. Horace, ma*am, been throttling at me just for all the
world like a pole-cat, and all 'cause I knocked at the door just to tdl
him you wanted to see him."
'' Well, how did I know ? " cried Horace. '' Why didn't you speak ?
How do you think I could tell who it was in the dark ?"
^^ Horace ! for Heaven's sake come up ! " cried Mrs. kx)dinan.
*^ Tm coming," muttered Horace ; and, as he returned for a candle,
it was plain tliat his personal appearance had not by any means been
improved.
At this moment Uncle John felt an almost irresistible inclination to
smile ; but on turning towards Walter, that inclination was subdued
without an effort. Acre the guilty creature sat, without the power
either to move or to speak, writhing under the torturing lash of
oonscience, and looking as pale as a ghost. He was indeed the very
picture of horror, presenting altogether a spectacle which would have
excited the powerful commiseration of those who were near him, but
that they felt strongly felt that he had been guilty of some dreadful
crime.
*' Brother !" said Valentme, in a deep sepulchred tone.
^* Mercy ! *' cried Walter, whose agony at the moment appeared to be
most intense.
*^ Brother ! " repeated Valentine.
Walter again started ; and stopping his ears, shrank back appalled.
^^ Well I ho.w do you bring it in now ? " cried Horace, re-enterine
the room with his fiioe bleeding fireely. *^ What I not got over it yet f
Here take a glass of wine : youll feel fifty per cent, bietter after that.
Whatever is the maUer with you, I can't conceive." And he fiUed a
glass, and handed it to his father, who had no sooner raised it to his
fips than he dropped it ; for at that moment Valentine, throwing his
voice as before into the passage, again most solemnly cried, '^ Walter I "
^* It don't signify talking," said Horace, ^^ there mtttt be some fellow
in the house. I'm sure of it ! " And he again went to the door, and
listened very attentively, and ground hie teeth, and clenched his fists
VALENTINE VOX. 31 S
With great desperation. " You'd better look out, my fine fellow," he
cried, " because if 1 do happen to catch you, you'll find no mistake
about me ! Well, how do you find yourself now, after spilling your
wine like a senseless old infant ? I'll make it out now before I afeep."
" No ! Horace, no ! " said Walter faintly. " You will find no one
there."
^*' Oh ! but I know better ! You don't think there is anybody then,
don't you ? "
Walter shook his head very mournfully, and heaved a sigh, which
amounted almost to a groan.
" Brother, brother !" said Valentine, solemnly throwing his voice just
behind the trembling man.
" I will not, I cannot endure it ! " cried Walter with startling energy.
" It's far worse than death. I must and will explain."
" Don't be an ass ! " said Horace. " What have you got to explain V
and he pinched his father s arm very secretly but very severely.
" There is evidently something," observed Uncle John, ** that re-
quires explanation, and I certainly do think it had better be done at
once."
' Explain ! " cried Valentine in a truly awful tone, which really had
the efi^ect of startling even Horace, for he looked towards the spot from
which it apparently proceeded, with an expression, if not indeed of ab-
solute terror, of something which looked very like it.
" Explain ! " repeated Valentine in a tone of still greater solemnity ;
and Walter, who continued to tremble as if with the paky, was about
to explain, when Horace stopped him, and with a countenance indica-
tive of no inconsiderable alarm, said, " If it must be known, I'll poob!
I won't have it ! " and he looked round as if to defy that influence
which a moment before he had conceived to be supernatural.
" Beware!" cried Valentine " beware!"
" What is it ? " enquired Uncle John.
" Why, the fact of the matter is this," replied Horace, whose firm-
ness the voice had again shaken. ^' The fact is, the old man went mad,
and the governor deemed it prudent, you know, for his own personal
safety, to have him taken care of. And that's the long and the short
of it."
" Mad ! " cried Uncle John.
** Mad, Sir ! mad as a four-year-old."
*' Bless my life and soul ! I'd no idea of such a thing. I'd always
supposed him to be a remarkably strong-minded man."
" He is mad and no mistake," rejoined Horace, " and I'm sorry to
say that madness runs a little in the family. The governor there is
frequently mad, but then when the fit's on him he'll no more believe it
than nothing. You might just as well try to persuade a brick waH."
" My poor old friend mad ! Dear ^bless me ! " said Uncle John, who
believed it, and was really very sorry to hear it. *' And what have
you done with him ? Where is he confined?"
**^ In a nice quiet private asylum, where he is well taken care of, and
treated with the utmost kindness and attention.'*
s s
314 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
^* Yes,'' said Walter, fiuntly, altbotigh he felt quite relieved by the
manifest credulity of Unde John, ^^ it is very expensive to me, certainly,
but I really did not feel myself justified in sending him to any one of
those horrible public places where poor creatures are treated you don't
know how. I therefore went to the expense of placing him in a
respectable private establishment, where he has every comfort, and is, I
am glad to say, as happy as possible."
*' You acted well, Sir. It does you great credit, and proves that
you possess a good heart," said Uncle John.
*^ 1 feel that I have done no more than my duty," said Walter. ^^ He
is my brother." And having got thus fur, the hypocrite began to
breathe freely and to feel very considerably better.
^' Right ; right ; very right,*' said Uncle John, '^ that consideration
is, ind^, very powerful. And with whom have you placed him ?
what establishment is he in V
*' Dr. Holdem's," said Walter, and Horace looked at him as if with
the view of conveying his conviction that in stating that fact he had
done very wrong ; but Walter, who knew the strict rules of the esta-
blishment having reference to communications between patients and
their Mends, also knew that unless suspicion were excited and a public
stir made, his brother would be just as secure as before. *"*" Dr.
Holdem," he continued, '^ is a most humane man, and, moreover, a man
of extraordinary talent. I therefore feel much more satisfied under the
circumstances than I should if he were here.''
^^ Of course I of course !" said Uncle John. ^^ You could do nothing
with him, poor fellow ! He is better where he is much better. Then
his affairs ? "
^^ Why, they certainly are somewhat embarrassed,'* said Walter ;
^^ but if even they were not, such a misrepresentation would be, under
the circumstances, venial. Yon are aware as a man of sense and
reflection, you must be aware that it is very, very painful, to have
the &Lct of a relative being confined as a lunatic generally known. The
calamity is sufficiently afflicting of itself, but the torture would be
far more exquisite if accompanied by the perpetual enquiries of anxious
friends."
"Very true, very true," said Uncle John, "you would be placed
in a position very similar to that of a man having multitudes of friends
pourmg in to console him for the loss of one whom he most dearly loved."
" Precisely," said Walter, who conceived that he had made a most
palpable hit ; and so he had, indeed, as &r as Uncle John was con-
coned. "You therefore see,** he continued, "and properly I hope,
appreciate, my motive in having attributed his absence to the existence
of difficulties of a pecuniary character ? "
" Oh ! you acted very right. Under the circumstances, no doubt I
should have done the same myself."
"You will believe that it was out of no disrespect to you that
I hesitated to explain the real fikcts as they stood. I do assure you that
I esteem most highly all who take a kind interest in my poor brother's
vdfue ; but had I not known that he and you had been bosom fitiends
VALENTINE VOX. 315
SO loDg, I really could not, in justice to my own feelings, have entered
into this most afflicting explanation."
" Poor fellow ! " said Uncle John, " who'd have thought it ! I
always fancied that he was rather eccentric, but I never for an instant
supposed that he was not in reality sane. And yet he certainly would
wmetimes run on very strangely ! I should like, although I should, at
the same time, be very sorry, to see him. I wonder whether he*d
know me ! "
^' In a moment," said Walter. ^' That is, unfortunately, the worst
of it. While none but strangers are near he is full of gaiety and hap-
piness; but if he sees an old friend, he becomes so excited, and
his subsequent depression is so dreadful, that it is absolutely dangerous
to allow a friend to go near him."
^' In that case then, certainly," said Uncle John, '' I must subdue my
anxiety to see him. I would not be the means of exciting him for the
world; although, I must confess, that I should like to have had
a word ^if it were only one word with him before I left town.
However, under the circumstances, I shall return far more satisfied
than I came for even to know the worst is more tolerable than to be
tortured with vague suspicions ; ^and I trust th^t before long I shall
have the happiness to hear that he is perfectly recovered."
Uncle John now rose, vnth the view of taking his departure ; and when
Walter, having breathed an apparently fervent prayer for the recovery
of his brother, had promised to advise him of the slightest favourable
change, he and Valentine, with minds more at ease than when they
entered, left, much to the satisfaction of Walter and his son.
^* It's very dreadful : is it not ? " said Uncle John, as he left the
house.
" Do you believe it ? " enquired Valentine.
*^ Why, my boy, I don't see how there can be mueh doubt about the
business."
'^ I believe that they have placed him in a madhouse," said Va-
lentine. '^ I do go so far as to believe that ; but I'll no more believe that
he is mad than I'll believe that yon are mad."
^^ But if he's in a madhouse, he mtist be mad ! They can't answer
to put a man there unless he is ; so that the fact of his being there is
proof positive of his madness ! don't you see ? The thing is as clear
as the sun at noon-day."
" Uncle," said Valentine, " you have not heard of the system
upon which these private lunatic asylums are based ; you have not
heard that under that villanous system, men perfectly sane men
can be seized, gagged, chained, and imprisoned for life, to promote the
interests or to gratify the malignity of those to whom they are
prompted by nature to look for affection; you have not heard that
husbands can bo incarcerated by wives, wives by husbands, brothers by
sisters, sisters by brothers, sons by fathers, and fathers by sons ; you
have not heard "
" Now, before you go any farther," said Uncle John, stopping in his
usual manner ; " have t/ou ? "
316 LIFE AND ADV^TURES OF
^^ I have," replied Valentine, '^ and firmly believe that such things are
of constant occurrence."
" 1 tell you they can't answer to do it."
" To whom need they answer ? "
*' To the law ! to the law, sir," exclaimed Uncle John " to the
law!"
^^ What has the law to do with private lunatic asylums ? They are
virtually placed beyond the pale of the law. The private rules of each
establishment absolutely fonn the constitution under which the inmates
live ; they are the only laws by which they are governed ^the only laws
to which they have the power to appeal."
" But their friends, my dear boy ! their friends !"
^'How can their friends act in ignorance of the matter? A man is stolen
from society from his home : he is carried away secretly : none but
those who have been instrumental, and are interested, perhaps pecu-
niarily, in his capture, are cognizant of the place of his concealment :
how in such a case, then, can his friends appeal to the law, or act at all,
not knowing where he is ? "
'* Clearly, if they don't know where he is, it's quite impossible for
them to act ; but do you mean to tell me that such monstrous iniqui-
ties are in reality practised ? "
" Uncle," said Valentine, " I have conversed on this truly dreadful
subject with many who have been, like you, incredulous, and they
have all asked the self-same question, namely. Are these iniquities
practised ? My answer has been invariably If I say yes^ you'll turn
away, disbelieve me, and think no more of it : let, therefore, the first
question be this Can these monstrous iniquities be practised? and
when you have clearly ascertained that they can, you have simply to
look at the temptations which exist, and the facilities which are afforded,
to feel perfectly sure that they are. Suppose I were a villain and
wished to enjoy your property, what need I do to secure it ? write to
the proprietor of one of these private bastilcs, who would at once send
doctors to sign the certificate of your insanity, and keepers to manacle
and carry you off, without a soul besides knowing a single word about
the matter. Suppose I were married and had an abandoned wife, who
wished with impunity to enjoy the society of her paramour, what need
she do to get rid of me for ever ? The same ! Nay, suppose any case
in which the concealment of a man, a woman, or even a child is deemed
necessary, either to the promotion of the interests, or to the gratifica-
tion of the malignant spirit of any relative or friend, the same need
but be done for the object to be secured ! I therefore have not the
smallest doubt that in this case those ereatures whom we have this
night seen, have sent our poor friend to one of these dreadful places,
expressly in order to secure whatever property he may have, paying a
certain sum weekly, or monthly, with the view of depriving him for
ever of the power to reclaim it. This is my conviction a conviction
which every cireumstance that has occurred since his absence now tends
to confirm."
" You araazse me!" exclaimed Uncle John. " But if it should be
VALENTINE VOX. 817
tke case, we'll have him out to-morrow. lie shall not be there another
day ! We'll have him out to-morrow."
" That, I fear," said Valentine, " is much easier said than accom-
plished. But we'll first ascertain where this Holdem's asylum is, and
in the morning we'll go and see what can be done."
" So we wiu ! so we will ! You're a fine fellow, Val ! We will
go in the morning, and if he be there ! Well, well : we shall see : we
shall see : we shall know better then how to act : sliall we not ? Poor
fellow ! Bless my life ! what a world this is to live in ! I am really
80 astonished that I feel quite confused ! " And this indeed was a fact.
Uncle John was confused. There were so many things entirely new to
him pressing upon his mind, that he scarcely knew what he was about :
in fact, he felt so bewildered, and so perfectly exhausted, that from
eleven that night till eleven the next morning he was utterly lost to
the cares of the world.
Valentine, however, rose early. His first object was to learn where
the establishment of Dr. Holdem was situated, and having eventually
succeeded in this, he returned just as Uncle John came down.
" WeH," said Valentine, ' I have ascertained where this place is."
*' There's a good fellow !" said Uncle John. " Then we'll just have
a little bit of breakfast and start oJQf at once. We shall manage it,
Val ! I feel sure that we shall do it ! But the existence of such a
system as that which you explained to me last night is an absolute
disgrace to the country. We'll not, however, say any more about that
now : come ! let's make a breakfast."
They did so, and sent for a cab, and in less than an hour they were
at the gates of Dr. Holdem's asylum.
" Well, this don't appear to be a very dreadful place," said Uncle
John. " It looks quiet and comfortable enough : at all events it has a
very fair outside."
Without replying to this observation, which was, however, quite
natural under the circumstances, Valentine rang the bell, and in duo
time a person appeared at the gate.
*^ I wish to see Dr. Holdem," said Valentine.
*' He is out," said the man, ^ but if it's on business, Mr. Jones, per-
haps, will do just as well."
^^ It if on business : let me see Mr. Jones."
They now entered, and when the gate had been secured they were
shown into a handsomely built private house, which formed the front of
the asylum.
^' You have," said Valentine, addressing Mr. Jones, who had im-
mediately made his appearance. ^^ You have a gentleman in your es-
tablishment named Goodman."
" How do you know that ?" demanded Mr. Jones.
" We have it from good authority," replied Valentine, " and we
are anxious to see him if it be but for a moment."
" Oh, is that all you want ?"
" That is all," said Valentine.
'' Well then, if that's all, of course you can't see him."
318 LIFB AND ADVENTURES OF
^' But we are friends," said Uncle John. ^' I have known him for at
least forty years."
" It don't matter if you've known him for at least forty thousand !
I tell you again you can t see him."
" But ^e only wish to speak one word."
" It can't be done, I tell you ! So that if that's all you want I just
wish you a very good morning."
' My good friend," said Uncle John, in a soothing strain, " I have
travelled between seventy and eighty miles in order to sec him, and "
" It don't matter a button," interrupted Mr. Jones, " if you have tra-
velled between seventy and eighty millions of miles, it don't make a bit
of difference."
^*' But surely there can be no serious objection to my having one
word ?"
" It isn't to be done ! there, that's all about it !"
^^ Indeed, I think it very hard that I should not be permitted to see
a friend whom"
" Now the bottom of it is," said Mr. Jones, " that it isn't of any uso
talking. If you were to stop here till doomsday, and talk all the time,
you wouldn't be a single bit nearer the mark."
^^ But consider, my good friend, what a dreadful thing it is to be thus
precluded "
" It's of no use, I tell you ! By stopping here you're only wasting
your own time and mine."
^' Then I can't see him ? Nothing will induce you to let me have a
word with him ?" n
" Nothing ! You may safely take your oath of it !"
" Then,** said Uncle John, who now began to feel particularly in-
dignant, "I see how it is. I see it all ! Til have recourse to other
means ! ^to other means I Justice shall be had if it costs ten thousand
pounds I I'll see if the law is inoperative here."
" Oh ! don't bother me with your law !" cried Jones, who was really
impatient for them to go, " Do what you like ! ice don't care what
you do ! What do we care ?"
We'll see, sir ! we'll see !" cried Uncle John, who, after looking
at Mr. Jones with surpassing fierceness, took Valentine's arm and de-
parted. ^'I'm satisfied now," he continued as he passed the outer
gates; '^ I'm perfectly satisfied that the practice which you explained to
me last night has in this case been put into operation."
** 1 wish," said Valentine, that we could but have got inside. But I
scarcely expected that we should. Yon see how impossible it is for the
inmatc of these dreadful places to hold communication with their
friends. But what's to be done now ? We have gained one point tliat
of knowing that he is in reality there."
'' Let us go back at once to his brother," said Uncle John, ^' and tell
him plainly our suspicions, and threaten him boldly with exposure, un-
less he immediately consents to release him."
'* Stop," cried Valentine, looking back from the cab window. " Let
ns go a little out of the road ;" and having given the necessary instruc-
VALENTINE VOX. 319
tions to tlie driver, he continued, ^' That seems to be the garden of the
asylum. I wish we had a ladder. We might perhaps see him from
tlie top of the wall."
** So we might !'' cried Uncle John. " Stop the cab so we might."
" But then you see a ladder is a thing we have not got ! However,
the wall is not very high, certainly. Well get out and see what can
be done."
They accordingly alighted, and having directed the cabman to wait,
went round by the side of the wall. It was higher, much higher than
it appeared from the road, but they notwithstanding walked to the back,
where Valentine perceived a kind of shed built against it, whicji had
been raised to within four or five feet of the top.
" The very thing," said Valentine. " If we can but get upon that
shed, we shall be able to look into the garden." They therefore went
round, with the view of ascertaining to whom the shed belonged ; and
having easily obtained the permission of the owner, Valentine instantly
mounted.
He was at first very cautious, and taking off his hat, just peeped
over the wall, lest, by being seen, his object should be frustrated. He
saw a number of emaciated creatures crawling about : but he could not
distinguish poor Goodman amongst them. Some looked idiotic, others
seemed to have reached the very depths of despair; but as Valen-
tine's object was not to contemplate the chief characteristics of
the scene, every feeling was merged in his anxiety to distinguish his
friend.
*' Can you seen him ? *' enquired Uncle John from below.
** No ! " replied Valentine, " or if he be one of those whom I do see,
he must indeed be dreadfully altered."
'^ Here, let me come up," said Uncle John, ^' I shall know him from
a thousand."
^^ I'm afraid, sir, it wont bear you^^ observed the owner of the
shed.
" Oh ! I'm bulky, but not very weighty : I'll try it," returned Uncle
John, who, by dint of great exertion, reached the roof. lie looked
round : Goodman was not amongst them ! ^' Bless my life ! I wish
they'd come this way," said he. " Val, can't we beckon to oiie
of them ? Now, there's a man ! ^he seems to be no more mad than I
am ; can't we attract his attention ? "
" Keep your head down," cried Valentine ; " he sees us ^he's
conyng this way ; " and as he spoke, the person alluded to, who hap-
pened to be no other than Wbitely, approached.
" Do you know Mr. Goodman? " enquired Valentine,
" Alas, yes !" replied Wbitely.
' Will you do me the favour to tell him cautiously that Valentino is
here ?"
" I've heard of you," said Whitely, at once bursting into tears.
^^ But he cannot leave his bed ; nor will he ever again, untu he ceases to
breathe."
^^ Indeed 1 " exclaimed Valentine. ^' What has been the cause ? "
320 LIFE AMD ADYENTURBS OF
*' Brutality, sir ! absolute brutality ! We some time once tried to
escape, and succeeded to a certain extent, but were retaken ; and, on
being brought back, we were subjected to the most horrible cruelties
you have the power to conceive. He happened to be the originator of
the scheme, and on this becoming known, they inflicted upon him the
greatest amount of torture."
^' The wretches l" cried Valentine. '' But is there no hope of his
recovery ? "
"None!" replied Whitely. "They have murdered him. Sir,
cruelly, brutally, murdered him. He is now on the very brink of .
death."
^^ What's that ? what's that you say 1" cried Uncle John, starting up ,
and leaning completely over to the top of the wall. " Murdered, say
you ? ^murdered him !"
" Hush ! " said Mr. Whitely, " for Heaven s sake, hush ! " And he
instantly walked from the spot ; for at that moment Uncle John was
seen by the whole of the patients, who raised a shout, and ran towards
him with an expression of amazement the most intense.
" But one word ! " said Uncle John, addressing Whitely. ' But
one single word ! " Mr. Whitely, however, fearful of being seen by the
keepers, did not turn his head. He had but just recovered from the
dreadful efiects of the treatment he had experienced on being recap- *
tured ; he therefore dared not again excite tlie vengeance of the keepers,
well knowing that if another brutal attack were made upon him, it
would be utterly impossible for him to survive it ; and hence he walked
away with a heavy bursting heart, without taking, however, the
slightest apparent notice.
" Do you also know my friend Goodman ? " demanded Uncle John of
the poor insane creatures, who were by this time beneath him.
" Hooray ! " they cried, dangling their hands and dancing about, and
looking altogether as delighted as possible.
" Sir ! " cried Uncle John, again shouting after Whitely, and putting
one leg over the wall, in order to get as near to him as he could.
" Sir ! but one word ! /* he mad ? "
The energy with which Uncle John put this question, and the
anxiety which he manifested to receive a reply, were so excessive, that
he at once lost his balance, and fell over the wall.
Valentine, who had seized the tail of his coat, and thus split it com-
pletely up the back, as he was falling, now saw two brutal-looking
fellows running fiercely towards, the spot. He therefore instantly
leaped from the wall to jom his uncle, and to protect him, if possible,
from the keepers, who appeared to be inspired with the spirit of
vengeance.
(i
^ "j; i;.iW.CTilp
n
a
It
k
VALENTINE VOX. 321
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
A FORCIBLE EXPULSION, AND A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED ESCAPE.
As Uncle Johii, in falling, threw bis anns round the neck of a poor idiot
who, conceiving himself to be the king of the universe, bad embellished
his cap with a variety of young onions, he alighted without sustaining
any very serious injury, although his weight drove his majesty, the
monarch of the world, with great violence against a friend who was
perfectly clear only upon the one grand point of his baving been
swindled out of his privileges as the Lord High Chancellor of England
ever since a certain antediluvian era, the cbief characteristics of which
it appeared had been washed from his memory by the Flood.
Before, however, Uncle John could rise, one of the keepers had
seized liim by the collar, with the laudable view, as he promptly ex-
plained, of letting him know the difference; but Valentine, in an
instant sprang at the throat of the ruffian, and compelled him to relin-
quish his hold. ^' No violence !" be exclaimed, " It will not do with
us."
'^ No, it won't do with us, sir !" echoed Uncle John, inspiring courage
from Valentine, although it must be confessed, that he even then felt
rather frightened than not. ^' There's the law against violence ! ther
law, sir ! the law !"
^ What's the law to do with us ? what right have you in here ?*
demanded the keeper.
'^ I overbalanced myself," said Uncle John, ^* I overbalanced myself.
Do you think that I should have tumbled if I could have helped it ?"
^^ But what business had you on the wall ?"
^*' To look for Goodman !" cried Valentine. ^* Goodman, whom you
are murdering T
^* Valentine ! Valentine !" faintly exchumed an emaciated form whom
the noise had attracted to the window of bis celL
'' It is hodman !" cried Valentine.
*' My firiend ! my dear friend I" cried Uncle John. '* But one word!"
The form sank back, and was seen no more.
^' My good man !" said Uncle John, addressing the keeper, '^ if you
are a Christian, you will let me see my friend. Let me have but a
word with him ! and 1*11 give you all the money I've got."
'' What ! corruption !" exclaimed the immaculate keeper, alternately
looking most virtuously indignant and wistfully glancing at the weli-
filled purse which Uncle John very promptly held forth. *' Do yet
want to corrupt me T
^' Let me ^eak to him but for an instant !"
^^ Come along !" cried the keeper, ^' we'll werry soon see what you're
made on."
^^ Now then !" shouted Valentine, making his voice apparently pro^
T T
322 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
' ceed from the otber side of the waU. '^ Let's attack them at once !
Now, down with the ruffians T
'^ Hal-lo 1" cried the principal keeper, looking round with an expres-
sion of amazement. '^ What, more on yer !" he continued ; and as at
that moment the person to whom the shed belonged peeped over the
wall to see how things were going on, he raised an alarm which in an
instant brought four additional keepers to the spot.
'^ Look out ! We*re attacked 1 There's a mob on 'em eoming !" cried the
fellow, as his scowling companions approached.
'^ Where are they ?" demanded a ruffian, who looked as if he had
that day returned from transportation.
'^ Over the wall !" was the reply, and a ladder was procured, while
Valentine still in a feigned voice, kept shouting.
^' Let's see how many on 'em there is !" cried the creature who looked
so much like a returned convict ; and he ascended the ladder and looked
anxiously round, but the only man whom he could see was the owner
of the shed, whose person was perfectly well known.
^^ Have you seen a mob o' pipple any wheres about here ?" he enquired
of this person.
" No," was the reply, " tliere's been nothing of the sort."
" There's none here !" said he who occupied the ladder, looking round.
" I know better !" cried the principal keeper ; " I heard *em !"
I tell yer there ain't then ! can't yer believe me ?"
Well, come let's secure these ere too as we've got !" and while the
principal keeper and two of his companions seized Valentine roughly,
the other tlfrce fastened, like tigers, upon Uncle John.
" Keep off !" cried Valentine, '* We'll go where you please, and before
whom you please, but we will not be dragged !"
. In an instant one of the ruffians seized him by the legs, while two
others secured his arms and lifted him bodily upon their shoulders, and
as Uncle John was favoured with a precisely similar lift, they were
carried straggling desperately but ineffectually across the garden, while
the sovereign of the universe, and those idiotic subjects whom he termed
continually, and with all the characteristic regularity of nature, '^ my
people," were dancing and shouting, and performing the most extraor-
dinary antics, apparently with the view of rendering it obvious to all
that they were absolutely filled with delight.
The keepers now reached the house with their burden, and as Holdem
the proprietor of the Asylum, had just returned from town, they threw
Uncle John and Valentine before him.
*' Hollo, hollo, hollo ! What's all this T cried Dr. Holdem, whose
grateful impression at the moment was, that he had been blessed with
two additional patients. ^^ Won't they be quiet ? What*B the mean-
ing of it, eh ?"
** Why these two owdayshus indiwiduals,*' replied the chief keeper,
*^ is the leaders of a whole mob o' rabble as is come here to let out the
patients."
^' What !" exclaimed the doctor with an expression of unlimited
tonishment. " And how did they get in ?"
VALBNTINB VOX. 323
*' Why they shied 'emselves over the wall : the big un come fust, and
the tother un follered."
*^ And what have you to say to this monstrous proceeding V cried
the doctor with highly appropriate scowl. *^ Pray what is your
object r
'* This :" said Valentine, ** you have in confinement a friend of ours
whom you have cruelly ill used."
^' How dare you talk to me in that fashion ?" interrupted the doctor.
^^ Dare !" said Valentine, ^' you shall find that we dare do more than
talk. Our object was to see that friend whose name is Goodman, and
who has been wickedly incarcerated here as an insane man. We ap-
plied for permission to see him, and as that was refused us, we mounted
the wall."
'^ I admire your impudence ! But are you aware that in trespassing
thus upon my premises, you have rendered yourselves liable to be
punished most severely V
**" But that was an accident 1" cried Uncle Jolm, ** I overbalanced
myself, and fell into the garden by accident."
^* Indeed !" said the doctor sarcastically. *' Indeed ! And did you
overbalance yourself, and slip down by accident ?"
^* No,'* replied Valentine. ^^ I did not. But we are quite prepared
to answer for what we have done before a magistrate at once, or in any
other way, for I presume the thing will not be allowed to drop here."
'^ I have a great mind to give you into custody, and have you both
dragged off like felons."
''Do so," said Valentine, ^'that we may have an opportunity at
once of explaining publicly all the circumstances connected with our
present position. Let us be taken without delay before a magistrate.
It cannot but tend to promote the object we have in view."
*' Upon my word, young man, you treat the matter very coolly. But
pray how many did you bring with you ?"
" None," replied Valentine.
'^ Oh !" exclaimed the pure and incorruptible keeper, apparently
shocked at what he believed to be a falsehood. '^ What ! none ? when
I heered a whole mob on 'em a hoUerin ? Oh !"
" We came alone," said Uncle John. '* There was no mob with us."
*' Well !" said Valentine, '* are we to be given into custody, or how
do you mean to act ?"
*' As I please !" replied the doctor. '* I shall act as I please. If I
thought you were worth powder and shot I should pursue a very dif-
ferent course, but as it is, I shall simply have you bundled out of the
place, believing you to be a couple of characterless vagabonds."
^' Vagabonds ! characterless vagabonds 1 " exclaimed Uncle John,
whose indignation had gained the ascendancy over his fears. '^ What
do you mean, sir ? Here is my card !" But before he had time to
produce it, the six keepers seized him and Valentine as before, and
having carried them to the entrance, threw them completely into the
road.
The moment Valentine recovered himself, he flew at the chief inyr-
824 LIFB AND ADVENTURES OF
midon and certainly did administar unto him one Mow wfaich made him
wink and shake his head, and screw up his features, until they por-
trayed great intellectual confusion. As, however, Uncle John on the
one liand dragged Valentine away, and the doctor on the other ordered
his men in at once, the gates were closed hefore the intellects of the
fellow were perfectly restored, or doubtless Valentane would have
felt the full force of his vengeance.
'' Thank Heaven, we are out I*' exclaimed Unde John, when he saw
the gates closed. '' I really at one time began to feel alarmed."
*' Alarmed at what V* enquired Valentine.
** Why, suppose they had kept us in there with the rest V*
^' Surely you did not suppose they would do that ?"
** Why, my boy, I didn't know what to think. But if they Aoe^ kept
us in, it would have been very dreadful, seeing that not a single &iend
would have known that we were there."
'^ You now see precisely the position in whicli the victims of this
horrible system are placed. Their friends are not suPered to know that
they are there ! But we were quite safe, for none are kept but those
who are paid for. No, all that I was afraid of was, that they would
have taken it into their heads to half murder us, for those fellows are
very powerful, and we should liave been able to do nothing with the
six. As for taking us before a magistrate, I felt sure that they would
not do tiiat. Their object is secrecy : it would never do for them to
make a stir."
^' Well, well, we ought to be thankful that things are no wse.
But poor Goodman ! My heart bleeds for him 1 The vile wretches !
But well have him out, my boy ! Well never rest till we have him
out."
^*' I fear that it is now too late," said Valentine. ^' My impfession
is that on seeing us he sank to rise no more."
" I hope not, my boy," said Uncle John, '' I hope not," and aa he
felt for his handkerchief to wipe the tears from his eyes, ke became
oognisant of the fact of his coat being split from the waist to the collar.
"Why, my boy I why what on eaith ! why what's this?" said
he, turning round and pulling the tails of the coat before him. " What
IS It?
" Why it looks sometiiing like a small slit," replied Valentine. " It
is by no means bad cloth : if it had been, it certainly would not have
had two tails now. It was done when you fell from the wall."
" Well, well," said Uncle John. " Well, never mind that. I don't
care a straw about that." And as he spoke they came within sight of
the cab which they had ordered to wait their return.
The driver was standing with the door in his hand, and seemed some-
what confused when they appeared, for he hastily dosed the door,
mounted his box and drove towards them.
We have kept you a long time," said Unde John.
No sconsequence at all, sir ; I knowed you was genehnen," replied
the man, who looked anxiously inside the cab before he opened the door
to allow them to enter. ^ Beg pardon, sir," he added, as Uncle John
44
44
TALIDITINB TOX. 325
'was stepping in, '^but de yet know, sir, as yer coat's a leetle damaged
in the back, sir V
^' Oh yes," said Uncle John, good humourediy. ^ I met with an
.accident."
'^ Beg pardon ; I didn't know as you was awares on it, that's all,"
lejoined the man, who then mounted his box, and made his horse under-
stand that he had not only a whip, but the power to use it.
*^ We'll go and see that wretch of a brother to night," said Uncle
-John, after a pause, during which he and Valentine hadbe^ completely
lost in thought. ^* Tliat's tlie first stq), my boy : that's the first step :
well work him !"
^^ My friend \" said a voico which appeared to proceed from under
the seat of the cab.
^^ Valentine I Valentine !" cried Uncle John, starting up as if some
dog had bitten his calf. *' My dear boy ! you should not ! you really
'sbmild not, particularly at such a time as this !"
Upon my honour," said Valentine, 'Mt was not I that spoke."
Not you !" said Uncle John. ^* Bless my life, it was some one !"
'* My friend !" repeated the voic^, and Uncle John again started, for
.at the moment, he felt something touch his legs. Valentine therefore
exunined the cab, and found crouched beneath the seat poor Whitely.
*^ Do not be alarmed, my good friends," said he, ^* it is only the poor
creature whom you spoke to in the garden."
^* I*m right glad to see yon, sir," cried Uncle John ; ^^ but come out
of that hole, you'U be smothered ! There's plenty of room."
^ I thank you," said Whitely, ** but I am much safer here. They
may suddenly pass by and see me.''
^ Well, sit between onr legs," said Uncle John, ^' and then III defy
them to see you. You'll be cramped to death there."
** No, indeed I'm very comfortable," said Whitely, although there
was scarcely sufficient room for a dog. He was, however, at length
prevailed upon, although with great reluctance, to sit at the bottom of
the cab.
*^ And how did you manaee to escape ?" enquired Valentine.
" I owe it all to you," said Whitely, grasping his hand. ** Our poor
friend had told me of your power as a ventriloquist, and therefore when
I heard what appeared to be voices in the distance, I felt quite sura
that it was yon. You will remember that a ladder was brought into
the garden immediately after the shouting was heard. It was oy that
I escaped. The man who ascended it to look over the wall, instead of
taking it away with him, simply threw it down to assist his fellows
in carrying you into the house, when, taking advantage of the confusion
that prevailed, I raised the ladder, and having reached the top of the
wall unpereeived, drew it over to the other side, and thus alighted in
safety. I had not proceeded far before I saw this vehicle, and having
ascertained that it was waiting for two gentlemen, I begged of the man
to allow me to lie concealed beneath the seat, in order that if it had
happened that the cab was not waiting for you, I might still have been
safe ; but when I heard you mention our friend's wretched brother, and
326 LIFE AND OTBHTURBS OP
thus knew you were alone, I ventured to speak, feeling perfectly soie
that you would not only not betray me, but pardon tny intrusion."
*^ My dear sir !" cried Uncle John, extending his hand, ** Fm glad
to see yon. I only wish that I had found my poor friend here as wdL
But we'll have him out ! well have him out before "
^' Husk /*' cried Whitely, trembling with great violence, and crouch-
ing again beneath the scat. " I hear them coming ! they are behind
us ! For God's sake, don*t suffer them to seize me again."
At tliis moment the sound of horses' hoofs were heard in the dis-
tance ; and Valentine on looking back perceived two persons on horse-
back tearing along the road at full gallop. *' Don't be alarmed," said
he, ^* dont be alarmed, let what may occur, you are safe." But poor
Wliitcly trembled from head to foot, while the perspiration poured down
the face of Uncle John, who was scarcely less frightened than Whitely
himself.
Tlie horsemen now gained upon them Cut, and their excitement
increased in proportion. '* These men may be after our poor friend,"
said Valentine, addressing the cabman ; ^ if it be necessary you wUI
stick to us ?"
''And no mistake," replied the man, ''I dont stop for nobody.
Keep him snug. They shouldn't ketch us at all, ony the wust on it
is, I cam't git this ere hold oss along. Phit ! keame up !" he added,
as he pulled out of the road. ** Here they come ! fit for to break their
blessed necks, good luck to em !"
They were now just behind, and Uncle John perspired more freely.
They passed ! Two butchers were testing the speed of their horses
to decide a bet of some given quantity of beer.
^* Thank Heaven !" exclaimed Uncle John, much relieved. ^ AU
right, my friend ; come forth, all safe."
Mr. Whitely, however, remained where he was ; he neither moved
nor uttered a word.
'' There is no danger now," said Valentine, endeavouring to rouse
him. He still, however, continued to be motionless, and silent.
'* Come^ come, my friend !" said Uncle John, who thought it strange.
** Are you not well, my friend ? are you not well V*
As Whitely made no answer, Valentme gently drew him forth. He
was inanimate 1
''Good Godl" cried Uncle John, "the man has been frightened to
death."
*' No, he*s not dead," said Valentine ; " I feel sure that he's not dead.
He has fainted only fainted. Pull up at the first house you come to,"
he continued, addressing the cabman.
" All right, sir ! there's one close at hand." And in less than three
minutes tliey were before it.
Valentine now darted into the house, and having procured a glaas of
water, applied it to the temples and palms of poor Whitely ; but with-
out any sensible effect. No pulse was perceptible ; not a muscle moved ;
some brandy was brought, and when that bad been zealously applied for
some time, he inspired, as Valentine exclaimed, ^' He's alive !"
ALBNTtNE VOX. 327
Uncle John now began to breathe with somewhat more fineedom.
He had been dreadfully apprehenaiTe of Whitely beinff dead ; but when
he saw the first symptom of reanimation quickly Allowed by other
signs of returning consciousness, he felt for the moment quite happy.
** My friends ! said Whitely at lengtli, looking up. ** Am I still
safe ? God bless you, my dear friends, GKd bless you !"
^ Will you go with us into the house, till you revive V enquired
Valentine.
^* No, my eood friends, no ; let me remain here, I shall not be out of
danger, until i reach town. Pray proceed, I am quite well now ; I am
ind^ quite quite well now !"
Uncle John and Valentine accordingly readjusted themselves, and
having given instructions to the cabman who drove off as fast as his
horse could go they stopped no more, till they reached the house of
the Widow Smugman.
The widow was utterly but very naturally astonished, when on
answering the knock she saw Uncle John and Valentine assisting a
poor enfeebled creature, who looked like death in a dressing gown, out
of the cab. She had, however, an extremely high opinion of those
gentlemen ; and hence, when Uncle John introduced Whitoly as his
friend, she expressed herself happy to see him.
** Now then," said Valentine, placing Whitely upon the sofa, ** you
must banish all your fears ; you are quite secure now."
Whitely, however, was unable to rally. He tried with all the
power at his command ; but sank back in a state of exhaustion, in
which Uncle John attended him, while Valentine was rewarding the
driver of the cab with a liberality altogether unexpected.
The dinner was now immediately served up, but of this poor Whitely
was unable to partake ; he was, however, after a time prevailed upon
to have some slight refreshment, and was then placed in Uncle John's
bed, completely overwhelmed with gratitude.
The attention of Uncle John and Valentine was now turned to the
course which they, under the circumstances, ought to pursue. The
escape of Whitely was held to be a grand point gained. ^* We can
take him with ua," said Valentine, ^' and convict poor Goodman s un-
natural brother at once."
*^ So we can," said Uncle John ; ^^ that's quite right. So we can ;
and we will ! but it can't be done to-night."
^* No ; but I think that I had better so to-night, and make an ap-
pointment, if possible, for to-morrow, whitely is uninjured ; he has
only been alarmed, and will therefore be himself again doubtless in the
morning. What do you think ? Shall I go V
^^By all means, by all means. Tell him I wish to have five-
minutes' conversation with him before I leave town, which is the fact
you know, of course I I do wish to converse with him before I leave
town. But I'll leave it to you, my boy ; you know how to manage it.
Go ; go at once. I'll remain at home, and see after our friend. We
must have him restored by to-morrow."
328 LIFK ANII ADVENTURSS OP
Valenliiie aecordingly started, leayiBg Whit^ in the cai6 of Uncle
John, who threw himself at cmoe upon the sola, and went soiuidly 4o
sleep.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
ALENTINB BECOMES INITIATED INTO THE MYSTERIES OF TUB ANTI-
LEGAL-MARRIAGE ASSOCIATION.
On reaching Walter s residence, Valentine was informed that he and
Horace were out, but were certain to be at home at nine o'clock or half
past at the very latest. It was then but just seven ; and as Valentine
conceived it to be scarcely worth while to return to Uncle John, he
walked leisurely on, without having any object in view, save that of
strolling about for two hours.
He had not, however, proceeded far, when his attention was attracted
by a flaming placard, on which was inscribed
THE UNIVERSAL ANTI-LBOAL-MAARLAOE ASSOCIATION I
NOTICn !
A Professor of surpcusing eminence will deliver a Lecture on ths
Natural^ Social^ and Univenal Community Principle this evening^
precisely at Seven.
'*Tlie natural, social, and universal community principle !*' thought
Valentine. '* What do they mean ? The univeisal anti-legal-marriaga
association ! Anti -legal-marriage association I I must look in here."
And having paid the admission-fee, he was shown into a room in which
a number of persons, of whom the majority were gaily attired femdes,
had assembled.
The professor had not arrived, and therefore Valentine had time to
look round before the lecture commenced. He thought it strange, veiy
strange, that the persons whom he saw there should patronise or in any
way countenance such a thing as an anti-legal-marriage association.
What the natural, social, and universal community principle might be,
it is true he could not very clearly comprehend ; but y^mi was meant
by the term, '^ Anti-legal-marriage/' was so plain, that it could not be-
misunderstood. And yet, was he to infer from the presence of those
persons that they were opposed to the institution of marriage ? Impofr
sible I They appeared to him to be the very persons by whom marriage
would be he]d to be one of the greatest sublunary blessings. He changed
his position, in order to comnumd a full view of the countenance of each.
The females, he thought, looked particularly wicked ! He really never
saw eyes rolling about with such extraordinary restlessness before.
Such smiling, sucn leering, such glancing he beheld ! He was perfectly
VALENtXNE VOX. 52^
jni^ed. He cotild not understand it ! And 3ret they seemed to under-
stand each other very well I Had any thing like a mutnal dead
set been made ; had one pair of eyes been brought to bear upon another,
with the view of being employed with reciprocal firmness the object
would not have been quite so inconc^vable ; but as it was, as they
wandered about with such peculifur inconstancy, as'if the design of their
owners had been to inspire the souls of all at whom they glanced with
affection, Valentine could not tell really what to make of it, although
he did think it just possible, that tliey had assembled for the purpose of
quizzing the professor.
The bare possibility of this being their object, was, however, repu-
diated on the entrance of that gentleman, for he was cheered, loudly
cheered, and with an enthusiasm which forbade the idea of its being
ironical. No, it was plain that they were perfectly sincere, and there-
fore Valentine became more than ever impatient for an explanation of
this natural, social and universal principle, of which it was dear they
were deeply enamoured.
^' My friends," said the professor, after proving to the apparent satis^-
faction of the ladies that he knew as well how to use his eyes as the
best. ^' My friends ! The last lecture I had the pleasure to deliver to
the members of this peculiarly wide spreading association, had reference
to the assumed Free Agency of Man, and as I proved to demonstration
that man is not a free agent, consequently not a responsible agent, and
therefore no agent at all, I propose now to show that human laws in
opposition to the laws of nature ought not to be upheld [^loud cheers,']
My friends ! It is on all hands admitted that nature is perfection, yet
the state of society in which we now live is essentially and purely arti*
ficial! What is the inference? Why that, being essentially and
purely artificial, it is essentially and purely the most imperfect state of
society tiuit ever obtained. To be perfect we must be natural. That
I hold to be as clear as the proposition of the great Huxley in his
Watuierftd Heart or the Liver ^Love, that to be natural, man must be
perfect. It hence follows that the nearer we approach to nature, the
nearer we are to perfection, and that that state of society is, in reality,
the most perfect which is^ in reality, the most natund. [^Applause.']
Now look at our present social system ! Is there aii3rthing natural
about it? Have our natural feelings and passions fair play? Is not
their development checked at every point by human laws diametrically
opposed to the laws of nature ? Look for example at those unnatural
laws to which I have so frequently directed attention I mean the
laws lelatinff to marriage I What is marriage ? Is it not a most un-
naturid bond ? See with what consummate tightness individuals are
tied ! It is indeed a Gordian knot : there's no end to it !-^nor can they
cut it. My friends ! just look at its operation for one moment : A
man marries not naturally, but legally marries well ! in a month he
becomes tired of his wife, yet is he by law compelled to keep her ! She
may not at all suit him : they may quarrel perpetually, nay, they may
fight ! Still keep her lie must till she sinks into the grave ! Why, is
not this monstrous ? But even this is not all. He may see some one
330 LIFE XTiD ADTENTURBB OF
whom he likea infinitely better fiome one moxe interesting, amiaUe,
and acoomplishedy yet he cannot many her^ becanse, and solely becanse
he is marned to another ! Surely such an unnatural state of thinga
ought no longer to exist ! What I ask, does a man commonly marry
a woman for? The law, it is true, says '^ for better (or worse/' [hmd
lauffhter.] But it is because she is handsome? Well, her beauty
fiides : she no longer possesses that for which he married her ; still
must he keep h 1 Does he marry her because be believes her to be
engaging, and sweet tempered ? A month after marriage she begins to
let out in a style of which he cannot approve, by any means yet must
he stick to her still ! Is it for her wealth that he marries her ? Well ;
he obtains full possession of that wealth, which be may ^her spend or
lose, but in any case is he compelled to keep her even after that fov
which alone he married her is gone ! Why, my friends, this appears to
be so truly diabolical, that the only wonder is that a system so repug-
nant to the perfect laws of nature shoidd not have been blown up cen-
turies ago. But let us take the case of a woman for women I
contend have natural rights as well as men. She marries ; and why ?
Because she believes that the man whom she marries w^ be kind ?
Well, she finds that he is not : still must she be his ! Does she msrry
because she believes that she shall be happy? She finds that ^e
is not, but she must be his still I Sickness may overtake him ; he may
become poor ; he may have no other prospect than of starvation 1
yet let what may happen to him she must stick I Is this just ? Is it
rational ? Does it bear even the semblance of any principle by which
men of intelligence should be guided ? My friends ! legal marriages
have cursed every country into which they have be^i introduced.
They are the bane of society. They utterly spoil both women and
men. Women would indeed be very different beings were it not for the
institution of marriage. It destroys their amiability, poisons their sweet
ness, and renders them insolent, cross-grained and vicious. When
legally married, tliey know that they are secure, and that very know-
ledge prompts them at once to show off: whereas, were they as they
ought to be, naturally married, the absence of that security would in-
duce them to preserve aU their natural sweetness of disposition, all their
amiability, in short, all which renders their society diarming. Nor
would men, were it not for legal marriages be so tyrannous, haughty,
and overbearing. The security which those legal marriages impart, has
a precisely corresponding efiect upon them. Hence, I say, let none bnt
natural marriages be sanctioned. [Jaud ekeersJ] If persons be unable to
live happily together, let them part and marry, as nature' prescribes,
those with whom they are able to live happily. Why should we, as
intelligent beings, adliere to social wretchedii^ when we have the
purest social fdicity within our reach ? We should tolerate natural
marriages only V*
At Siis interesting point the enthusiastic professor was interrupted
by Valentine, who conceiving that he had gone far enough, cried
making his voice apparently proceed from an individual who was
deeply engaged with a lady from whom he had just received a card
" And pray what are natural marriages V*
, ^l- ,i,7/, /r,/u/ ^/.,lh.M.- .^.....v.
1^
\
VALENTINE VOX. 331
^' Natural marriages !*' exclaimed the professor i^ith a look of as-
tonishment the most absolute, " Wliat are they V
"Turn him out! Turn him out!" shouted several gentlemen, by
whom the natural, social and universal community principle was upheld.
'' Wliat are natural marriages V repeated the professor.
** Aye !" said Valentine, assuming the same voice, *' I simply ask
you what they are I Do you mean those peculiar broom-stick solem-
mtics r
^^ Broom-stick solemnities !" exclaimed the professor with an expres-
ion of contempt the most supreme, and a^in the universal community-
principle-mongers expressed their strong disapprobation.
" Well, tell us," said Valentine when the noise had subsided, ^ what
it is you really mean ?"
" By natural marriages," said the professor, addressing the person
from whom he imaging the voice had proceeded. *^ By natural mar-
riages I mean those which are in conformity with the law of nature !
marriages by which parties are solemnly bound to live with each otlier
as long as they like."
Loud applause followed this clear explanation. The ladies waved
their handkerchiefs and screamed with delight ; but as during their
enthusiasm, Valentine perceived that the majority of them wore that
golden shackle by which they appropriately conceived they had been
enslaved, he at once became perfectly disgusted. He now distinctly
saw what the social community principle meant ! he saw that it struck
at the very root of social virtue and fidelity.
" Is that gentleman satisfied ?" enquired the pjrofessor.
** Perfectly," said Valentine, "perfectly satisfied that immorality
forms the basis of the principle in question."
^ Immorality !" exclaimed the professor, who really appeared to be
utterly shocked. " Immorality ! That principle forms the basis of the
new moral world I It is the present corrupt system of legal marriages
that is based upon immorality. With natural marriages inmiorality
has nothing to do, seeing that that which is natural cannot be immoral.
Is it natural I would ask for two persons whose dispositions and feel-
ings and paanons are inimical to be bound to each other for life ? Is it
not on the contrary natural for them to part with the view of forming
alliaaoes more to their taste ? I contend that it is monstrous to bind
two mlional beings togetker when their sentiments and views are diame-
trically opposed. Dist^reements should prompt them to separate at
miee and form other unions in the pure coarse of nature."
*'*' How often ?" enquired Valentine.
" How often ! As often as they conceive that their happiness will
be thereby enhanced. Why shomld a man be bound to a woman whom
he once might liave loved when circumstances have led him to love
another better ? Why should a woman be tied to a man for whom she
might once have had an affection, when her natural passions prompt
her to repudiate him, and turn to one upon whom she has set her sofb
iieart? I say that the law which prohibits this indidgence in those
passions which are implanted in us by nature is an infiunous law, and
332 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
one of which the existence reflects indelible disgrace upon us as rational
and intelligent creatures."
At this point the professor was again enthnsiaBtically cheered, and
so perfectly were his sentiments in unison with the views of his amiable
satellites, that when Valentine enquired if they really expected that
their principles would be adopted by any but the most vicious and
depraved, their indignation knew no bounds.
He had certainly heard yelling before yelling too of a really extra-
ordinary character in sundry places and on divers occasions ; but
never not even in tlie House of Conunons ! had he heard any species
of yelling at all comparable with that which proceeded from the mem-
bers of the anti-legal-marriage association. They were not very nume-
rous it is true, but being extremely energetic they fully made up for
the absence of any numerical strengUi, ana as the room in which they
were, was comparatively small, their shouts, groans and shrieks were
absolutely stunning.
*'Who is he! Where is he! Drag him forth!" they exchumed.
The ladies were especially anxious to see him.
'* That's the man in the comer !" cried the professor, promptly point-
ing to the individual to whom the lady had given her card, and the
association doubtless would have pulled him to pieces had he not had
the presence of mind to declare his perfect inuocenee ; for nothing but
the tones of his voice would have convinced them that the professor had
made a mistake.
*' Wretches !" cried Valentine, throwing his voice immediateiy be-
hind the professor, who turned with all the velocity of which he was
capable, and really appeared to be somewhat alarmed.
" Who's that ?" cried the professor. " Who was that T
None could tell. He looked firmly and with an eye of suspicion at
every member, in his immediate vicinity, but no ! ^Uiey were equally
amazed with himself. '' Who was it?" he repeated. ^^ Who was it,
I ask ?" ^
^' One,'' replied Valentine, in a tone of great solemnity, making his
voice appear to proceed from the ceiling. *^ One who sees that you are
iaithlcss, abandoned and profligate one by whom vice is abhorred."
In an instant every eye was directed towards the coiling. The
gentlemen became very nervous, while the ladies felt dreadAilly alarmed,
which was not at all wonderful, seeing tliat superstition and inmiorality
invariably go hand in hand. It viras held to be veiy mysterious!
They could not make it out ! They were filled with appr^enaion, and
as the ladies clung to their natural protectors, the gentlemen started,
and shrank from their touch, so cowardly a slave does vice make the
human heart.
The professor, who looked quite as pale as the rest, however, felt him-
self bound to say something. He therefore rose with the view of
addressing his satellites, when Valentine cried. ^ Down ! I denounce
you as a villain. But for you and wretches like yYu, hundreds who
are now depraved, would have been reaping those blessings oi which
virtue is the germ."
TALElfTINB YOX. 933
The pzofesBor seemed utterly panily^ : and his satellites stared
with open mouths round the room with an expression of terror.
" Let us go, " said one of the females addressing her friend ^ pniyy
pray let us go, I'm very frightened !"
*'*' Go r* cried Valentine. ^^ Repudiate these proceedings, if you be
not quite lost to every sense of female delicacy and virtue. Be not
blinded by sophistry : spurn those who, to gratify their own bad pas-
sions, would place you on a level with the beasts of the field. Be
virtuous and happy in the perfect assurance, that from virtue alone real
happiness can spring."
The females now tremblingly rushed to the door ; and so exceedingly
terrified were they, that scarcely one minute had elapsed before they
had vanished from the room. The professor was utterly astounded, and
stared at his male disciples, who in return stared at him. Had any
man come forward to deliver that address, which had just been deliv-
ered by Valentine, he would have contested every point with warmth,
eloquence and firmness ; but as his opponent was apparently invisible,
he could not say a word. He seemed perfectly lost, and so indeed did
they all, and as Valentine who in strsuning to give effect to his speech,
had bcco^le very warm, he left them at once in a state of great amaze-
ment to solve that which they manifestly felt to be a mystery of no
inconsiderable depth.
CHAPTER XL.
UNCLE JOHN HAS ANOTHER IHPORTANT INTBRVIBW WITH WALTER,
TO WHOM HE DECLARES HIS INTENTIONS WITH FORCE AND EFFECT.
WuH those feelings of satisfaction which commonly spring from the
consciousness of having promoted the cause of virtue, Valentine
letumed to the residence of Walter, and found him and Horace at
home.
^^ Well, my young rattlesnake !" cried Horace, as he entered, ^* and
how do they brmg it in now ? Come to an anchor ! I3 there anything
extra o'clock ? How's the ancient V
Uncle John was the gentleman to whom he alluded, and Valentine
said that he was perfectly well ; but was struck with the extremely
v?retched aspect of Walter. He was the very t3rpe of misery. His
cheeks were hollow, and his lips were parched, while his eyes swam
dimly in their sockets by which they were almost entirely concealed.
*' You are not so well this evening V said Valentine.
^^ I am not, indeed," said Walter faintly ; '^ I am not, indeed."
'^ No, the governor don't look particularly spicy !" cried Horace,
^' But then, you see it's all his own fault I he won't be ruled ! If I've
told him once, I have told him five hundred times, that he'll never be
well till he gets beastly drunk. I am sure of it ! nothing can alter
my opinion upon the point. If he were but to got into a profoundly
334 LIFE AND AOTSNTITREB OF
elaborate state of mops and brooms, he'd be as right as a Roman. But
then be won't do it I You may as well talk to a tuniip.*
^* I wish I was dead !" ezohumed Walter.
" Of course 1 that's a species of donkeyfication yon never will get
over, if you live a thousand years. You wish you woe dead ! And
what would you do, if you were dead ?"
Walter sighed.
** Are you engaged to-morrow evening ?" enquired Valentine^ taking
advantage of a temporary pause.
" Not that I am aware of at this moment," replied Walter.
*' My Uncle,** said Valentine, ^' is anxious to have five or ten minutes'
conversation with you, before he leaves town."
" What," cried Ilorace, " is he eoing to cut it ?"
'^ If you will say," continued valentine, ^ at what hour it will be
convenient for you to see him, he will be here ; hell not oecupy much
of your time."
*^ Will eight o'clock suit him ? If not say nine/'
'' Eight will suit him well. He vnll be here at that hour."
*^ But, I say," cried Horace, ^^are wm going to toddle back with
him r
"I am' not sure of that ; but at all events I shall see you again
before I leave. Good evening."
*' WeU, remember me, you know, to the old tar," said Horace.
*' He's perhaps about the rummest and roughest old reed that ever
diil come to town. But I don't dislike him. Good night l"
Valentine now left the house, and he was no sooner gone, than Horace
put it to his father very pointedly, whether he did not consider himself an
idiot. ^^ What did you want to sigh away for." said he, *"* like an old
distressed alligator, right before Attn f And why couldn't you let that old
Rufus trot oft, without having him boring here again ? You know
that you have got just as much nerve as nothing !"
^^ I was anxious to make him think that I wiui not afraid to see him,"
replied Walter, ^^ and thus to allay any suspicion that may have been
excited."
^' Well, but you know that you are not at all fit to be seen. Besides,
there is more in the wind than you expect. I know, by that fellow's
manner, there's something o'clock. I shouldn't be a bit surprised to
hear that he has found it all out"
-* How could he ?"
*^ Why you told him all about the place yourself ! How do you
know that he has not been there V
** And if he has, is it likely that they would give him any infor-
mation ?"
'^ Well, if you'll take my advice but you never will, you know,
and hence it is that you're invariably wrong but if you wish to be
secure you'll remove him to some other crib, and then no one will know
a bit about it."
** But how can thbt be done?"
*'' Why, don't you see T Old Neversweat what's bis nagie ? UoUeoi,
TALENTINE VOX. 335
has connection with another den a hnndred milee off. Well, can't you
make arrangements with him to send the old boy there in another
nameT'
** But, why in another name V
*^ Because then they may search all the books in the uni verso without
ascertaining where he is. Tliey may go to Dr. Holdem's ^ Is Mr.
Goodman here V ' No, he has left r ' Where is he r Can't say/
They may apply to the commissioners, and get a sight of the register.
They look for the name of Goodman. Goodman itcu at Dr. Holdem's.
Discharged such a date. Don't you see ? Suppose he is entered as
Jonathan Scroggins. Who is Jonathan Scroggins ? They may see the
name of Scroggins. They know no such a man. He may call him-
self Goodman down there, it is true ; but then theyH call him Scroggins^
and if he insists upon it that Gdodman is his name, they will rationally
conclude that he is labouring under some strong delusion, and hold it to
be an invincible proof of his oeiug incurably mvA. To be secure, there-
fore, all you have to do is to send him away under some assumed name,
when, if they ever find him out you may safd^y forgive them, discoveiy in
such a case being an utterly impossible thing."
^* There is something in that, certainly," said Walter. *^ There cer-
tainly is something in that. But had we not better, in the first place,
see what their object is in coming here to-morrow V
^ Why, as fur as that goes, there is no earthly use in doing that
which is useless : that*s as clear as cream ; and his removal will be
useless, in the event of their having no doubt about its being all right ;
but if they have the least suspicion of anything wrong, take my advice^
and pack him off at once."
Walter saw in a moment tlie force of this suggestion, and as security
was his object, it was eventually decided, that if anything should tran-
spire to convince him that the secret had in reality become known,
Goodman should be removed in the name of Scroggins to some distant
Asylum, and thus placed for ever beyond the reach of his friends.
By the time these two amiable persons had arrived at this decision.
Valentine had reached home, where he found Uncle John still asleep on
the sofa, playing loudly upon his nasal organ, that notorious tune of
which Morpheus alone can be really enamoured.
By dint of great exertion on the part of Valentine, Uncle John awoke,
and when he did awake, he said with great presence of mind, ^ Ah
yes well ;" and yawned, and then added, " What not off yet ? Come,
come, you had better start. Ill see after Whitely : 111 take care of him.^
* Will yon do me the fiivour to look at your watch V* said Valentine.
Uncle John did him this favour, and then observed, that the thing
had stopped ever since eleven that moniing.
" You are really a very watchful attendant," said Valentine. " Why,
you have been asleep nearly five hours."
^ Nonsense," cried Uncle John, *^ Nonsense ! I hav'n't had balf-a-
doaen winks."
** It was ludf-past six when I left, and it's now past eleven."
^* Tut ! bless my Mfe and soul ! Why, I couldn't have believed it.
336 LIFE AND ADYBNTTTREfl Of
Have I been adleep all that time ? Dear me, how rery neglecifol i-^
Our poor old friend ! Let's go and see how he get's on."
They accordingly went into the bed-room softly, and as, much to
their satisfaction they found Whitely asleep, they returned with equal
oaution to the room they had just left, when Valentine dwelt upon his
interview with Walter*
^' He is now extremely ill/' said he, after an explanation of all that
had occurred, ^' My firm impression is, that he is on the very brink of
the grave. If therefore Whitely cannot go with us to-morrow, it will
be better for me and Horace to leave the room, while you explain what
you know, and how you mean to proceed, if poor Goodman be not
immediately released."
"I seo^-exactly, " said Uncle John, *'I see precisely what you
mean. It will be better ^much bettar." And Uncle John was en-
gaged in rehearsing his part from that time till he retired to bed.
In the morning, Whitely found that his nerves had gained consider-
able strength : his fears were calmed, and he paced the room 6nnly.
He felt that he was free ; and that feeling, however limited may be
the space in which he dwells, will prompt a roan to be content to
remain within it, where the knowledge of his being confined even to
Europe^ would generate within him a wish to go beyond. As how-
ever he did not feel equal to the task of meeting Walter, and as more-
over his iMresence on that occasion was not absolutely necessary. Uncle
John and Valentine left him, and at the hour appointed found Walter
and his son deeply engaged with a pile (^ dusty documents as before.
When a variety of common-place observations had passed between
them, Valentine engaged the attention of Horace, while Uncle John in-
timated to Walter that he wished to say a few words in privato.
*^ Horace," said Walter, ** entertain your young friend. We wish
to be by ourselves a short time."
Horace looked at his fiitther veith unspeakable significance. He clearly
did not think it safe. However, feeling that he oonid not with any
show of politeness remain in the room after that, he rose, and taking
the arm of Valentine, said, *^ Come ; let us leave these old incomprehen-
sibles together."
** Mr. Goodman ;" said Uncle John, when he found that they were
alone ; ^* my object in coming here this evening is to speak upon a
subject which concerns you deeply. It has rNevence, sir, to your
brother, whom yesterday I saw ! ^I perceive, '^ he continued as Walter
started and trembled, ** I perceive l^at you did not expect to hear that ;
but I saw him, sir, yesterday at the asylum you named, and there dis-
covered him to be, sir no^ mad ! but an enfeebled, emaciated martyr
to that fold, that iniquitous system, the existence of which is a national
d]i^;nce."
^ Not mad !" said Walter hurriedly. '' Not road ! I have proofs r
And having opened his desk, he drew forth a printed paper which he
placed with an air of triumph before Unde John. ^ There, there, sir,"
he eontimed, ^ there yon have the certificate of two eminent physicians,
Dis. Bowlemont and Dobb. Thai vrill be perfectly satisfiietoiy, I
VALENTINB VOX. 387
*' Not at all,'' said Uncle John, '' Not at all. I am happily not ig-
norant of the mode in which these things are managed, although I
oould not till recently have conceived it to he possible that men could
in a country like ours resort to practices so monstrous."
" Do you mean, sir," said Walter, ^^ to insinuate that / have had
recourse to monstrous practices ?*'
*'*' Mr. Goodman ! I have no inclination to have any angry words ;
but I am not a man to mince a matter of this kind. Your brother is
incarcerated in a lunatic bastile as an insane man : he is not insane :
never was insane : you incarcerated him ! I ask you why t"
^^ There is my authority !" said Walter, pointing to the certificate.
''Sir !" cried Uncle John, " I am not a child. I know that these
things, ^though potent in depriving men of liberty arc to be purchased
with ease ; and you know that if I were villain enough I could bribe
two professional scoundrels to certify to your insanity to-morrow.
What proof then is that of the madness of my friend ? Under the
present iniquitous state of the law of lunacy, it is, it is true, held to be a
proof a l^al proof a proof sufficient to indemnify those into whose
hands the victim may be placed, but in reality it is no proof of madness
at all. Who are these men, Drs. Bowlemont and Dobb ? where are
they to be found V
''They are eminent physicians," replied Walter, ''attached to Dr.
Holdem's asylum."
" I thought so. But you did not apply to these eminent physicians !
you did not engage them I You applied to Dr. Holdem : Dr. Holdem
sent them to my mend : they saw him once, and then signed that certi-
ficate. That was the process. And why did you apply to Dr. Holdem ?"
" Of course, because I believed my brother to be insane."
" But why did you not in the first place apply to two physicians of
known respectabihty ? It does not follow as a matter of course that you
applied to Dr. Holdem, because you believed that your brother was
insane. But if even you had that belief what induced it ? - Why did
you think that he was mad V
** Why," said Walter, " because he acted strangely."
" Because he acted strangely ! Are we to pronounce every man to
be mad who acts strangely 7 Why every man living acts strangely at
times. We have all our eccentricities. We are all apt to deviate from
the straight beaten path, and every such deviation is an eccentricity.
Eccentricity is the parent of all that is eminent. No man ever yet
nused himself into eminence who was not eccentric. But are we to pro-
nounce all such men to be mad ? That were in itself indeed madness,
and yet you have not only pronounced your own brother to be mad,
but have stolen him from society with a view to his perpetual imprison-
ment, because he acted strangely I"
" Stolen him from society !" exclaimed Walter ; " I don't understand
you."
" Then let me explain ; for I am anxious to make you understand
me. ^ Your brother is not mad. Nor is he in the vulgar acceptation of
the term eccentric. He is as free from eccentricities as you are, unless,
X X
338 LTFB AND ADYENTTTRES OF
indeed, it be those eccentricities which characterise a benevolent heart.
He is a perfectly sane man ; and yet you have caused him to be kid-
napped carried away secretly- dragged by brutal ruffians to a lunatic
asylum, with a view to his being conhned there for life. Now let me
be understood. Your brother is my friend. The loss of ten thousand
pounds will not ruin me. I am prepared to spend ten thousand pounds
to effect his liberation, and to punish those by whom he has been in-
carcerated, and ten thousand more when that is gone. I am no idle
boaster. I am resolved to see him either dead or free ; and in order to
carry into effect that resolution, I will willingly spend every shilling I
have. If, therefore, you wish to avoid being harassed ; if you wish to
avoid being held up to public scorn ; if you wish not to have your life
embittered, and your death accelerated by the knowledge of being
universally execrated and denounced, you will consent, without delay,
to his Uberation ; for be assured, that if you will not do this, my friend-
ship for him is so pure, and so firm, that all that can be done shall be
done ; every available means shall be had recourse to, with the view of
exposing and punishing the parties to this nefarious kansaction ; and if
once I begin, sir, nothing shall stop me. But let me appeal to your
sehse of justice to your feelings ^to your conscience. Let me reason
with you calmly. Like me, you are an old man a very old man : we
are both sinking fast into the grave : we must both soon appear before
Him to whom all hearts are open, and from whom no secrets are hid.
Now, assuming that I know your real motive for proceeding against
your brother as you have done : assuming that your object was the
possession of his property "
^' But that was not my object !" cried Walter ; " that was not my
object !'x
'^ I simply say, assuming that your object was the possession of his
property, how inhuman *how unjust how unnatuial do the means
by which you have sought the attainment of that object appear ! He
is your brother ! your own brother ! Nature, therefore, prompts him
to look to you for affection. Persecution at your hands is abhorrent to
every principle which claims an alliance with nature ; and yet have
you bitterly persecuted him I You have deprived him, in his old age,
of liberty, you have placed every comfort beyond his reach, you
have subjected him to a species of brutality the most horrible ; ^you
have banished him from all society, save that of poor idiots and raving
maniacs; and solely with the view of obtaining possession of that
which, if it prove not indeed an immediate curse to you, sir, you can
never eiyoy. '
'' But I tell you again, that that was not my object. My object was
to keep him from harm."
^^ And in order that that object might be effisctually aooomplished,
you placed him in the power of ruffians by whom he has been nearly
murdered."
" Nearly murdered !*' exclaimed Walter.
" Sir, if your brother be not already dead, he is dying. He, a short
time mnce, tried to escape, and on being recaptured, was subjected to
VALENTINB YOX. 830
treatment of so brutal a character, that his recovery is held to be almost
impossible. Humanity, therefore, cries aloud for his release. I appeal
to you as a brother as a christian as a man whether his con-
tinued incarceration be not now the very acm^ of brutality and injustice.
Put it to yourself, sir. Suppose that you were placed in the position
he occupies, writhing with physical agony on the very verge of deaths
and morally tortured with the consciousness of having been plac^ in
that position by a brother a brother, too, whom you had ever treated
with the utmost kindness, and who was always at hand in the hour of
need. Would you not think it dreadful ? would it not be sufficient to
drive you mad indeed ? But assuming for a mument that you believed
him to be insane, let me ask if you thought that his madness was in*
curable V
" I certainly did not."
'' Tlien why send him to such a place as this, when you knew it to
be directly against the interest of the projector to allow liim to be
'^ I did not know that, nor do I know it now.''
^^ You know, I presume, that the proprietor established that asylum
for profit: you know that his object is to get as many patients as he
can, and to keep them as long as ho can ; you know this, and yet you
are anxious to induce the belief that you do not know it to be directly
opposed to his interest to allow them to be cured ! His design is not to
cure, but to keep them, seeing that in proportion as they are cured, so in
proportion do his emoluments decrease ; it being from them only that
his income is derived. This is no mere assertion, sir, based upon
theory ; but a straightforward, practical, self-evident truth. Why then,
I again ask, if you really were anxious for the restoration of your
brother, did you place him in a private asylum V*
*' I did all for the best. I was told that he would have every at-
tention."
*' But do you not see that the interest of every proprietor of a private
asylum runs counter to his duty V
^'It certainly, I must confess, seems feasible."
*' Can you ^en hesitate to release him ?"
Walter remained silent.
*' I wish you to understand, sir," continued Uncle John, ^^ that I am
not in the habit of holding forth threats ; but as I have, sir, the means at
my command ^means of which you little dream, for you cannot for a
moment suppose that I derived any part of my information from the
proprietor of this asylum ; but as I have, sir, the means of proving
not only that your brother is not mad, but that the possession of his
property was the object ^the sole object at which you aimed, those
meuis shall be publicly employed forthwith, unless you consent to
restore him to society. I wish it to be an act of yours. I vrish to
have it appear that you are vrilling to make all the reparation in your
power for the injury you have inflicted, and the agony you have caused
Itim to endure. Again, therefore, I ask will you release him ?"
** But what can I do with him then?" cried Walter.
340 LIFE AND ADVENTUBES OF
^* I will take care of him, I'll undertake to keep him secnre from
all harm. If he be insane, let it be fairly and openly proved. What
objection can yon possibly have ? If your object be to see him taken
care of, and treated with a view to his restoration, and not the pos*
session of his property, pray tell me what objection you can have to
his being released ?"
This Walter could not teU, and therefore kept silent.
** Liberate him then," continued Uncle John, firmly, " and I will
strive to allay any ill feeling that circumstances may have engendered.
But you know his benevolent, charitable disposition ; you know that
be is of a most forgiving nature. If, however, you will not, his liber-
ation can and shall be accomplished, without your assistance, in which
case I speak to you now as a mere man of the world, looking solely
to your own interest and security I will urge him to banish every
feeling consanguinity may have implanted in his breast, and to proceed
as a matter of justice to society against you with all possible rigour.
Your oym interest, therefore, if nothing else be sufficiently powerful,
the very consideration of your own security must prompt you to con-
sent. Will you do it ?"
'' I will I'* said Walter. '' I will. On Monday morning, the first
step shall be taken."
" I may rely upon you in this ?"
" You may. Go with me yourself. Call early on Monday morning,
and we'll proceed to the asylum together."
^^ Very well. Reflect upon all that I have said. I depend upon
you^nw/y."
Uncle John now pushed his chair from the table, and wiped his
forehead, for he had been so extremely energetic that he was then in a
state of steaming perspiration. ^* Will you do me the favour to ring
for my nephew ? ' said he, and the bell was accordingly rung, when as
Valentine and Horace were summoned, they promptly re-entered the
room.
'^ Why, what in the name of a// that's incog, have you two unhappy
old conspirators been up to T' cried Horace. *^ Plotting against the
jolly old state ? Are we to have another Guy-Fawkesification V*
" Good night," said Uncle John, as he rose to take leave.
^^ What, are you off?" cried Horace, with a look of amaasement.
^' Good night," repeated Uncle John, coolly, as he drew tovrards the
door.
* WeD," cried Horace, " you are about tlie rummest old ^"
Horace !" cried Walter,
^* Well," continued Horace, ^^ I was only going to say ! ^because
look here ! directly I come down, you cut it that's all ! But, if you
will go, you know, why you will, and no mistake at all about it !"
And having thus delivered his sentiments upon this subject, he saw
Uncle John and Valentine out with all the politeness which chaiao-
terised him commonly.
** Well," he continued, on returning to the room, *^and what hat
VALENTINE VOX. 341
that old fool been gammoning 70U about ? the one subject though, I
suppose f"
*' Yes,'' said Walter. " Heaven only knows where he obtained his
information, but be knows all about it, from beginning to end.''
^' What ! has that avaricious old breeches-pocketed crocodile that
what's his name ? Holdem been splitting T
^^ Not he ! you may take your oath that nothing has been got out
of him."
'^ From whom then did the old fool derive his information ?"
^* Can*t tell ; can't guess," said Walter. ^' He says that he has the
means at his command of proving every circumstance connected with
the a^ir ; and I believe him, for he stated to me all that I knew to be
true."
^^ Then no time must be lost in removing the old nominal."
** He can't be removed now."
"Why not? What's to prevent it ?"
*^ You may depend upon it, that this information has been derived
from the fellows attached to the asylum. It would be therefore quite
useless, if even it were possible, for him now to be removed. Besides,
I have solemnly promised to release him."
" You have done what ?" cried Horace. ^' Do you mean to tell me
Oh ! we are all up the flue ! Do you mean to say you have given
that promise V*
" I have."
" Then we may as well just go and smother ourselves in the thickest
possible mud upon the face of the earth. It's all up ! There's no
mistake at all about the matter! If you release him, I'd strongly
advise you to sell out, and cut away as fasit as you can pelt over to
Van Diemen's Land or New Zealand, and establish yourself among the
blacks."
" But if I do not release him, he will be released, and I therefore
may as well make a virtue of necessity."
" Well, you know my sentiments. Do as you like : but if you do
that, mark my words, you'll make a mull of it ! What do you want
to release him at all for ?"
" The thing is done," said Walter, " and can't be helped now !"
" No, the thing is not done ! it can be helped now !"
" But he is coming on Monday morning to go with me to the
asylum."
" What of that !" cried Horace, " what of that ! Can't you ^
down to-morrow and tell Holdem all about it, and have him removed
in the night ! It matters not a straw about to-morrow being Sunday ;
all days are alike to them. They think nothing of Sunday there. All
you have to do is to trot down in the morning, and explain to Holdem
how the matter stands ; and if he don't, before midnight, remove the
old nominal to a far distant den. 111 be bound toto swallow him
whole."
But what am I to say on Monday morning V
w
948 LIFE AND ADTENTURE8 OF
^' What are you to say on Monday nioniing ! Why don't yon tee ?
When you go the bird has flovni ! * Blesi my Kfe ! Why, where is
Mr. Goodman ? He is nowhere to be found ! Who saw Mr. Good-
man this morning ? Here Figgins, Jenkins, Hoggins ! have you seen
Mr. Goodman ? Ck, and search for him again ! Search every room
in the asylum. I saw him last night, poor man 1 and he seemed a little
better. Well, have you found him ? not found him ? Bless my life !
how veryextraordinary ! He must have escaped ! * What then can be
done ? How can you be involved ? You went expressly in order to
release him. What could a man do more ? He has escaped ! He's
not there ! Let his friends find out then where he is if they can."
Walter looked in the fire thoughtfully. His mind was by no means
made up. " I'll think of it," said he,' at length ; " Til think of it
Say no more now. Go and sit with your 'v^ife and mother: go, leave
me."
Horace, feeling quite certain of gaining bis point, accordingly left
Walter musing done.
CHAPTER XLI.
VALENTINE BECOMES A LITTLE BETTER ACQUAINTED WITH THB
CHARACTER OF LOUISE, OF WHOM HE TAKES HIS FIRST LESSON.
The next morning, Valentine, Uncle John, and Whitely went to
church, and nothing could surpass the pure fervour with which Whitely
ofiered up thanks to the throne of Mercy for his deliverance. He had
not been at church before for many weary years ; and hence, although
he had prayed constantly to Him in whom all his hopes were concentred,
the sacred place at once awakened the sweetest recollections of his
youth. All the miseries he had endured were forgotten. His heart
was full of joy, and he wept like a child. Each prayer each response
brought fresh tears into his eyes ; and while the solenm swell of the
organ struck awe into his soul, the voices of the children, singing the
praises of the Most High, seemed to him so celestial, that he felt,
during the service, as if in heaven with the angels, and left in^ired
vrith the purest happiness a mortal can know.
He and his friends, however, had scarcely reached home, when the car-
riage of Mr. Raven dashed up to the door, and vdien the widow ^who
would tnist no one to answer double knocks- had communicated some
interesting intelligence, having reference to the fiict of Valentine and
his XJnde being at home, Mr. Kaven himself alighted, and, according
to instructions, was shown at once into the room.
^' Ah ! how do, my friends ? How do ; how do T cried that gmtle-
man, shaking them both by the hand at onoe. ^^ I've come, you see,
without any aristocratic ceremony : come to press you ! mu$t go ! I
want you to spend the whole day with us. Come, you re not
engaged?*'
TALBNTone vox. 343
^^ Why the fa^t is," replied Uncle John, ^' we haye a friend staying
with us who "
^^ Come, now, none of your aristocracy ! can you not bring your
friend with you ?"
^' He is not sufficiently well," said Uncle John, who was about to
explain in continuation, when Mr. Baven, addressing Valentine, said,
*^ Well, I must have you, at all events. Louise is in the carriage : you
had better get in at once, while I see what I can make of my old friend
here."
Of course Valentine did not remain very long in the room after that :
on the contrary, he went at once to take leave of Whitely, who had re-
tired on the approach of Mr. Raven, and whom he urged to accept the
invitation, if it were pressed, and then without even the slightest un-
necessary delay, proceeded to the carriage to join Louise.
Uncle John, to the utter astonishment of Raven, now briefly ex*
plained Whitely's case, and begged of him at the conclusion to believe
tliat he should have been inde^ happy to return with him ; but that
he was anxious not to leave his poor friend so long alone.
*' But why can he not come with us V enquired Mr. Raven. ^^ He
will be just as well there, you know, as here. We'll doctor him up.
We'll take every possible care of him. Will you go and try to per-
suade him to come ?"
^* By all means," said Uncle John, who went at once for that pur-
pose ; but Whitely most earnestly begged to be excused, and at the
same time endeavoured to prevail upon Uncle John not to remain at
home on hb account one moment.
" Well," said Mr. Raven, when Uncle John had communicated the
result, ^' then I tell you what 1*11 do with you. Suppose we split the
difference. We dine at six : will you join us then ?"
" I will, with pleasure.'*
" That's all right ! Now we'll be off. When your poor friend is
well enough to come, I shall be happy to see him. But these are your
laws, my friend ! the laws of your beggarly aristocracy ! framed on
purpose to swindle their own flesh and blood ! But they 11 come down !
mark my words, they'll come down, and that before many more years
roll over their heads I However, six precisely !*'
'Mil be punctual," said Uncle John, and he saw Mr. Raven to his
carriage^ expressly with the view of shaking hands with Louise, who
looked so beautiful and so happy, and smiled so sweetly, that really,
while her hand was in his, she made him feel that he should have fallen
in love with her himself, had he seen her about forty years before.
The carriage of course was not long rolling home ; but had it been
dragged by a couple of crabs, the time would not have seemed long to
Vakntine and Louise. They could not keep their eyes off each other
one moment. Every instant they met, and then dropped, and met
again, and although Mr. Raven tried to fix their attention upon the
beggarly characteristics of certain aristocsratic equipages which passed
them on the way, the attempt was in every case a failure, alUiongh
ke was doomed not to know it.
344 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
They now reached home, and Valentine asrisied Loiuse out of the
carriage with all possible grace, only being unaccustomed to the business^
he stood as a mere matter of chance on the wrong side, and thus took
the thing entirely out of the hands of the servant. The importance of
this was however but slight : it only proved to Mr. Raven, that he did
not belong to the " beggarly aristocracy," and as he led Louise into
the house very fairly, he thereby recovered his ground.
It was not very long before Louise again jomed him, and although
Mr. Raven was anxious for him to sit over a biscuit and a glass of
wine, and chat about the aristocracy, she very soon had him away.
He had not seen those beautiful pictures : he had not seen those fiinny
Dutch chairs : he had not even been in the library ! Oh ! he must
come : Slio had so much to show him, and so much to say that she
robbed Mr. Raven of his society in a short space of time, and they ran
about the house like brother and sister. She called him plain Valentine,
and taught him to call her Louise ; and they seemed to understand each
other perfectly ; and were both very happy in that understanding ; and
thus they spent the first three hours occasionally looking in upon Mr.
Raven just to see how he got on vrith his " beggarly aristocracy," and
then starting off again upon some fresh expedition.
As the time flew away, however, Valentine thought that this really
was an opportunity which ought not to be lost. They were then in
the drawing-room, and the beggarly aristocracy's natural enemy was
below. He therefore went to the vdndow, while Louise was looking
over an annual with the view of finding a piece of poetry, which she
held in very high admiration, and began to wdgh the importance of
the first sentence he wished to utter with as much minuteness as if in-
deed immortality hung upon every word.
" Why, what is the matter ?" cried Louise, whenhe had been stand-
ing in this position for some time. *^ Why on earth are you so serious ?
I know what you are thinking about," she continued smiling archly, as
her laughing eyes sparkled with pleasure. '^ I think that I could guess
pretty nearly !"
'' Indeed ! Tell me what you imagine my thoughts were now, come !"
" Nay, I tcill not tell that : but it strikes me that I coidd if I felt so
disposed.'' And she ran away to look for the poetry again, with as
much anxiety as if that really bore upon the point.
^' Louise ! ' said Valentine after a pause, and she flew to the window
at which he was standing ; but as her hasty approach drove away all
his courage, he simply stated it to be his unbiassed conviction that ap-
pearances were decidedly in favour of rain.
^' Oh I" said Louise. " And is that all you called me for V
** Why," returned Valentine, recovering himself a little, " I cer-
tainly had something else to communicate, and have still, but- "
" Anything very particular?"
" Very."
'' Well, tell me at once what it is. I am impatient to know all
about it."
-- 1 I k^t *u
VALENTINE VOX. 34i5
'' Louise, I am really so awkward, so stupid, that I wish to becoma
at once a pupil of yours."
*' And pray what am I to teach you V*
" How to win your affections."
^* Indeed, I know nothing about it," said Louise. ^^ 1 have had no
experience in matters of that sort." And again she ran away, but only
pretended this time to look for that extremely beautiful piece of poetry.
^* But," said Valentine, " I really wish you would give me a littie
instruction !"
'' But how can I ? How is it possible to teach you that, of which I
myself am ignorant V
" Many begin to learn, only when they begin to teach ; and I really
think that if anything can justify that practice, it is a case of a precisely
similar character to this/'
" Well," said Louise, sitting down upon the sofa, " as you seem to be
so very very anxious to learn, I will give you a lesson." And Valentine
at once left the window, and sat beside her. '^ In the first place then,"
she continued playfully, '' you must be a ^fiod boy, and come veiy,
very often. Secondly : Whenever I expect you, and you find it impos-
sible to come, you must send me a note to that effect "
*' Exactly; and how am I to begin it ?"
" Why, how would you begin it ?"
*' My dear Miss Raven ? or my dear madam V
** Neither, sir ! Were you to address me as *my dear madam ;* or
even as ^ my dear Miss Raven,' I would instantly tear off that part,
and send it back in a very sharp note. My dear madam, indeed ! My
dear Louise ! or my dearest Louise ! or something even stronger than
that ; and then go on to say that so and so, whatever it may be, you
know precludes the possibility of your having the pleasure or the
happiness, and so on, subscribing yourself Yours. '
" I see : et cetera^ et cetera."
*' No, sir ! not Yours et cetera, et cetera ; but Yours you may say,
dear Louise ! here again if you please ; but at all events, Yours ever
&ithfully and affectionately ; and then sign your own name your own
christian name at full length. Well! that is in the second place.
Thirdly : you must never say a word in my favour, that you are not
quite convinced that I shall believe to be true; for, although ^a little
flattery sometimes does well,' we cannot bear to believe it to be flattery
^but in this little particular, you may go to some extent before you
fiaD into any very serious error. Fourthly : you must never Good
gracious !" she continued, suddenly starting from her plajrfuUy energetic
position, and looking down as pensively as possible.
Valentine slightly turned his head, and saw Uncle John and Raven
in the room.
They appeared to be delighted ; but Louise and her pupil felt really
so confused I What could be done ? It is true, there was the Annual
lying by her side ; but then, what is an Annual in such a case as this?
^^ 1 our most obedient," said Uncle John, holditig his spectacles to
his eyea, and bowing very profoundly.
Y Y
346 LIFE AND ADTBNTURE8 OP
. Louise looked up and smiled : all her courage returned, and she ran
to shake hands with Uncle John.
** I thought that we should find them at last !" said Mr. Raven.
*^ You are two very, very naughty creatures," said Louise ; *' I
have a great mind not to forgive you. How long, pray, have yon
been behind that screen ?" .
^' I have but just come," said Undo John.
*' But this moment I You have heard nothing, then ? You are
sure you have heard nothing ? ^uite sure V
'' We simply heard you giving your pupil a lesson."
*'*' Now that is too bad of you, really ! I was simply explaining **
'' Yes, yes ! we are aware you were simply explaining,'* returned
Uncle John. ^ Well, sir ! and pray have y&u nothing to say for
yourself V
Valentine smiled and took the hand of Louise, but was silent.
'^ Well," said Mr. Raven, who had been highly amused, '^ when
you have finished the fourth division. It is, I believe, the fourth ?
Yes ; well, when the fourth division is finished, we, perhaps, may have
tlie honour of your company below. That's rather aristocratic, I
think I" And Mr. Raven really laughed very merrily, and so did
Uncle John, whose arm he took, and left the apt pupil and his pre-
ceptress together.
^' Dear me ! how very awkward to be sure !*' said Louise. ^^ What
tiresome people to come in just then. But, gracious I how odd yon
did look !"
*^ I have not the slightest doubt of it ; but then, even yon MonMfekai
chan^d !"
^' Did I ? Well, I dare say I did. But we must not remain here.
You run down at once, and I'll follow immediately."
^' Very well," said Valentine ; ** but first let me whisper one word
in your ear. They may be even now behind the screen."
^ Well, what is it ? quick I" said Louise, and as she held her ear
towards him, he kissed her ! absolutely kissed her ! which was very
extraordinary. Yet what's in a kiss ? Really, when people come to
reflect upon the matter calmly, what can they see in a kiss ? The lips
pout slightly and touch the cheek softly, and then they just part, and
the job is complete. There's a kiss in the abstract ! view it in the
abstract I take it as it stands ! look at it philosophically ! what
b there in it? Millions upon millions of soids have been made
happy, while millions upon millions have been plunged into misery
and despair by this kissing ; and yet when you look at the character
of the thing, it is simply a pouting and parting of the lips. In
every grade of society there's kissing. Qo where you will, to what
country you will, you are perfectly sure to find kissing ! There is,
however, some mysterious virtue in a kiss after all, and as every one
knows what kissing is, it perhaps will be just now sufficient to state,
that the peculiarly sweet kind of influenee which it has was by bo
means unfelt by either Valentine or Louise, although they actually, in
less than five minutes after, sat at the table, and in the presence of
VALENTINE VOX. 347
Baven and Unole John, looking precisely as if nothing of the kind had
oGcuned!
Daring dinner the ^^ lesson " was a source of great amnsement ; for
both Uncle John and Raven rallied Louise and her pupil at every point.
'' In the first place,*' said Raven, ^*- shall I send yon some soup V*
. This kept them merry for some time.
*'*' Secondly," said Uncle John, ^ shall I have the pleasure to take
wine with you V
Tliis also told well, and so indeed did every division of the subject,
even up to the nineteenth ; but as Valentine and Louise took up the
weapons of their assailants, they eventuaUy beat them completely out
of the field.
^^ Well," sud Mr. Raven, immediately after dinner, ^^ and what is
your opinion of the state of things in general?"
" Do you allude to the state of the country V enquired Uncle John.
^^ The countiy, sir, I blush for the country. I blush, sir, for those
who rule the destinies of the country. My &rm impression is, sir, that
^e country is goin^ to pot.**
^^ Indeed ! Reauy I have heard nothing at all of it ! I am sorry to
hear that."
*^ Sorry ! and so am I, sir, sorry ; but how can it be helped ? Look
at the state of things in general I Everything is in the hands of our
beggarly aristocracy ; and when that is the case, sir, what country can
prosper V*
**" But how long has this country been in the hands of the aristocracy V
'^ How long ? It always has been in their hands, ever nnce it was
a country."
**' That is to say, that they have alwa3rs had the government of it ^
the ruling of its destinies ?"
" Precwely."
^' Then by that I am of course to nndeistand that they have made
this country what it is l**
^* To be sure they have, they and they alone, sir, have made it what
IS."
*^ The envy of surrounding nations, and the admiration of the world I"
*^ But we have not to thrak the aristocracy for that !"
*^ If they have made this country what it is, they have made it great
and glorious beyond all other nations of the earth ; and if they have
UMle it so great and so glorious, they cannot in the long run have mis-
numaged much."
^^ But what would this country have been, sir, had it not been for
them?"
*^ It is utterly impossible for me to tell."
*^ Qreater," continued Mr. Raven, ^* ten thousand times greater and
more glorious ! But, waiving this subject, just look at the set ! Can
yon conceive a more arrogant haughty upstart set of wretches ? Why,
nineteen, sir, out of erery twenty are paupers, viewing the country as
their parish, and living upon the rates."
^ But there is great wealth amongst them I"
348 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
'^ No doubt of it ; but what I complain of most is that they who have
it will not even support their own children. They must quarter them
upon the public : they must make them national paupers. In their
view the provision for one son in each family is sufficient : all the rest,
it UHitters not a single straw, sir, how many there may be must be
provided for out of the public purse. That is what I look at ! and I
mean to contend that it is monstrous that this country should be taied
for the support of a legion of aristocratic locusts who suck the pecuniary
blood of the people, and who while they suck, tyrannize over and
trample them to the earth. Look at them ! See with what anstocratic
contempt they look down upon a man who by dint of honest industry,
has realized sufficient to buy a thousand of them up ! They will prey
upon him, borrow of him, gamble with him, cheat him, but they will
not associate with him. Oh, no ; his veins are untainted by aristo*
cratio blood, the impurity of which is notorious. They wiU dance with
a dustman, drink with a sweep, shake hands with a pugilist, a jockey,
or a black-leg ; but he comes too near them, his wealth cuts them out^
he can buy them all up ! ^they'U do neither with him. The whole
system is rotten, sir^ rotten at the core. If we have an aristocracy at
all, sir, let it be a monied aristocracy : an aristocracy of wealth. He
who has most should stand first : the richest man should be king.
That^ sir, is the sort of aristocracy to establish ; not a beggarly aris-
tocracy, composed of mean, stiff-necked hereditary paupers. What
would become of the crew, were it not for the public purse ? Why,
they'd run about as bare, sir, as unfledged birds : they would not h&ve
a rag to their backs not a rag ; but as it is they make John Bull
stand Sam, and John Bull is an ass; but when he does kick and kick
he wiU, mark my words, soon down comes your beggarly aristocracy."
To Uncle John all this was highly amusing : he, of course, saw in a
moment how the matter stood between the anstocracy and Mr. Raven,
and felt disposed to humour him, seeing that he cared to converse
upon no other topic ; but to Louise and her pupil the thing vras really
tiresome in the extreme, and therefore Valentine no sooner lost his fiur
preceptress that he resolved upon changing the subject at once.
^^Vou see, sir," continued Mr. Raven, having refilled his glssB,
^^ When we speak of an aristocracy as an aristocracy*^"
^^ Ahem !" cried Valentine, throwing his voice near the 1^ of the
fl|eaker
'' Hullo ! Who have we here ?" cried that gentleman, looking most
anxiously under the table. *' Who are you V
^' One of the aristocracy,'* said Valentine.
*^ One of the aristocracy ?" and again Mr. Raven looked under the
table, but really could see no one there. " One of the aristocracy V be
repealed looking earnestly in the fiokce of Unde John.
*'*' 1 heard some one,'' said Uncle John, say, ^* One of the aristocracy,"
and As also looked with great apparent anxiety beneath the table, al-
though he perfectly well knew from whom the voice had proceeded.
^^ Ahem !** repeated Valentine, throwing his voice this time beneath
the easy chair in which Raven was sitting.
VALENTINE VOX. 349
*'*' Oh you're here, are 7011 ?" cried Mr. Raven, Btartins^ at once upon
his legs, and upsetting the chair in question* *^ Why, woere on earth \
where can he be !" he continued. *' He must be somewhere !" And
he looked round the room with an anxious eye, and turned the chair
upside down with the view of making quite sure that the invisible one
of the aristocracy was not in reality perched upon the frame.
'^ I donH see him/' observed Uncle John, with an air of mystery,
which did him great credit.
" Nor do I," said Mr. Raven, ^' but then he must be here ! Again
I ask who are yon ?"
^^ Again I say, one of the aristocracy V*
This was indeed held to be very strange. The idea of one of the
varistocracy being concealed in his room, struck Raven as being ciboui
the njost extraordinary thing in life. He had heard of nothing read of
nothing iu history either ancient or modem at all to be compared with
it, and therefore said, '^ What do you want ?"
^' To converse with you upon that great topic," said Valentine.
*'*' What right have you here ? But come out and let's have a look
at you I" And he quietly winked at Uncle John which wink seemed
to signify that he simply wished to see him that was all.
'^ Fray be seated," said Valentine.
'^ I will not be seated till I see who you are.*'
'^ Come, come, now be calm."
^^ Calm ! I vrill not be calm. What business have you here, sir ?
who are your
^* One of the aristocracy !" said Valentine, with an emphasis which
implied that he had said so before.
Raven thought this indeed most mysterious, but he cried with great
energy, " Wtll you come out ?"
" Not till you are perfectly tranquil."
'^ Tranquil I I'll summon my servants and expel you with the utmost
violence !"
*^ You have not the power. The power is all in the hands of the
aristocracy."
^' We'll see about that !" and he rang the bell with due desperation,
and then paced the room with an air of some considerable dignity and
importance.
A servant now entered.
'^ Bring William and Thomas with you, " said Raven. '^ Tell
them to come instantly, with John, and Coachman too, if they are
below."
The servant, looking very droll for he did not understand it, ^pro-
ceeded rather mysteriously to obey orders.
^' 111 guard the door," said Uncle John, who enjoyed it very much,
but kept his countenance pretty well'; '^and Val ! suffer no one to
dart through the window !
Each now took his station, and Raven still walked abiut chuckling
at the idea of how he would trounce, when he caught the invisible
one of the aristocracy.
350 LIFB AND ADTKNTURBB OF
The nrvants entered. They all looked xemaikahlj odd. They had
done nothing I Why were they carpeted ?
^ Now you fellows,*' cried Raven, who drove them like alavefl^ and
mied them with a rod of iron, because he didn't belong to tlie aristo-
ciacy, ^ 8eaich the room ! there's some vagabond hm 1 find him
out !"
A change came over the conntoianoes of the servants. There was
nothing to be charged aeaiost them, and as they natura&y at the mo-
ment held that to be a bleaeing, they commenced a strict search, with
unparalleled zeal. They looked under every chair, and into every cre-
vice sufficiently large for a mouse to be concealed, but of ooaise no
human being could tliey see, and they expressed themselves eventually
and precisely to that effect.
**" You must find him somewhere," said Raven. ^^ I know he's in
the room !" And a^ain tliey looked about with tlie utmost minute-
ness, until they positively began to bdieve that their master must have
made a slight mistake f
^* Ahem I" cried Valentine^ seeing them together in one comer, and
throwing his voice dexterody into the comer opposite. ^^ Ahem I"
" Now then !" cried Raven, '* Now, no w secure him i" and
away flew the servants to the comer of the room from which the voice
had apparently proceeded, prepared both to clutch and to torture the
very nrst man whom they saw. But they were able to see no man
no ghost of a man. Their master had evidently made no mistake; but
then, where viras the vagabond in question 7
They found it imposmle to tell. They could not so much as con-
ceive.
You'd better come out !" cried coachman, desirous of conveying
an idea of mercy being extended in the event of a voluntary surrender.
Itll be all the worse for you if you don't !"
'^ Do you think so ?" said Valentine, making his voice appear to
come from another quarter of the room, and away the servants
rushed to that particular quarter, but, of course, vrith no greater
success.
Where, where could he be ? He ws nowhere oftov^ 4ie nrast be
beneath the carpet, and coachman was proceeding to pull the carpet
up, but the rest acutely feeling that they, in that case, should have
a most unpleasant job in the rooming, put a veto upon the proceeding in
the similitude of a hint, thai if they heavily trampled over every purt
of it, it would have a more immediate efiect.
They acted upon this suggestion ^they did trample over it, and as-
suredly if any one kqd been beneath, he would have knoim it : bat,
no ! they met with no lump no obstruction the carpet was peifeolly
smooth.
They now began to feel that all must have been mistaken, and Hiey
looked at each other with the view of imparting some idea of what
they 1^ and there mally appeared to be a perfect unanimity establish-
ing itself among them, whoi Raven cried, ^ Gome ! look about ! look
about! Ill have him found I"
TALXNTINB VOX. 35 1
The serTants oibViouBly had an idea at this moment that it was all
eiy well for Mr. Raven to say, '* I'll have htm found I I'U have him
found !" hut where were they to find him ! That was the grand point
at issue.
They did, however, recommence their search with the most praise-
worthy diligence, looking again in every quarter in which they knew
that they had looked, as well as in every quarter in which they con-
ceived that they had not.
Again they rdaxed. Tliey really felt it to he of no use. They
were tired and very warm. Their collars and cravats were disarranged ;
m short, their exertions were upsetting each particular thing which their
nature had taught them the expediency of keeping tidy.
*' Come ! come V cried Mr. Raven, on noticing this natural disin-
elination on their part to do more than the existing circumstances really
required. ^' I'll not have you give up. He's about here somewhwe.
I will have him found.'*
*^ Ahem !" repeated Valentine, finding that they required some
slight additional '* spur to prick the sides of their intent," and they
were all alive acain in a moment. But they now looked angry and
desperate; and,doubtle88,if they had disoovctred any one then, they would
have handsomely rewarded him for all their trouhle. They only wanted
to find him. Tliey wanted noihinff more ! They Icnmo^ at that in-
t^esting moment, of no other wish than that ! But^ unUest souls !
even that was denied them ! They could not discover the object of
their search, although th^ really did run about the room with an
energetic seal, altogether unexampled.
They stopped again to blow a littie after a time. But Raven
wouldn't have it ! He loudly insisted upon their keeping up the
search, and as Valentine cried '^ Ahem !" again at this point, they flew
across the room with renewed despemtion, upsetting every chair which
stood in the path of their flight.
^* What on earth is the matter !" cried Louise, darting into the room
at this moment. *^ rood gracious ! what in the world can it be T
Raven seiaasd the arm of Valentine, and telling him to take her
away, promptly hurried them both out of the room. -
The game was up. The real '^ One of the aristocracy" was no
longer present. Still, although they heard no more aheming, they, for
a long time, continued to prosecute the search.
Uncle John tried to calm Mr. Raven ; but nothing could banish
from his mind the conviotion that some one was stiU in the room. He
thouffht it strange of course, he thought it very stnnge ^but then he
felt it to be impossible for them a/? to have been deceived ! He
wouldn't believe it : he couldn't believe it ! But what was to be done ?
There were the servants panting with unspeakable energy, and really
looking greatly fatigued : they had searched every comer every
crevice every hole and yet could not find one of the aristocracy !
Why, it was marvellous ! Raven himself felt it to be marvellous ; and,
having eventually explained that he felt it to be so with great
352 LIFB AND ADTENTURES OF
promptitude and point, he dismissed the sweating servants, who were
really quite knocked up, and sat down with a subdued spirit to
argue the case with Uncle John.
" Well, what do you think of this ?" said he ; *' What do you think
of this ? It strikes me as being rather of the ratherest !"
'^ I certainly heard a voice," said Unde John ; ** I don't think that
I can be mistaken in that."
^^ Mistaken ! Fd take my oath of it ! I have, it is true, heard of
imps and such cattle ; and I have also heard that they are in the service
of the aristocracy; but I never had uth in the existence of such
things ; and yet, what in the world could it have been ! It is pretty
clear now that there is no one in the room but ourselves ! What think
you?"
'^ Oh, that has been abundantly proved !" said Unde John, and he
looked with an air of mystery again round the room, which was then
in a state of the utmost confusion.
*'^ Well I IVe seen and heard of many marvellous things in my life-
time; that's clear I but this beats all that I ever saw or beard of!
Dear me, though, what strange unaccountable things tl^ere are in
nature to be sure ! I have hearcl of haunted houses ; but I never heard
noises in this house before !" At this moment, quite a novel idea
seemed to strike him, for he at once seized the poker and thrust it up
the chimney, whidi dearly contained his last hope. ^ No ! ^no !" he
continued, having brandished that instrument with infinite tact and
dexterity in vain. *^ Well ! this is extraordinary ! I will not believe it
to have been any supernatural thing ; and yet, what on earth could it
have been ? I'd give any money to know what it was."
'^' You have no parrot in the house, I presume?*' said Unde
John.
^^ Parrot ! bless your life, no ! nothing of the sort I Besides,
where is the parrot in nature that could articulate ^ one a( the aris-
tocracy ' with so much distinctness ? No ! that was no parrot!"
Uncle John, of course, kept the whole thing a profound secret ; and as
he did so, Mr. Raven could make nothing at all of it. The more he tried
to unravel the mystery, the more en tanked, in his judgment, it became ;
and when he had so confused himself with conjectures some of whicli
were of a very extraordinary character that he declared that he
would puzzle himself no more about the matter, he most appropriately
apologised for the way in which the peace of the evening had been
disturoed, and, shortly afterwards, Valentine and his Uncle left the
house inexpressibly delighted.
TALBNTINE VOX. 353
CHAPTER XLII.
IK WHICH GOODMAN 18 LIBEBATBD FROM THB LUNATIC ASYLUM.
'On the following morning, Horace, who had been quite iinflucceseful
the previous day in convincing Walter of the perfect soundness of his
advice, tried again to make him feel that, if he did not adopt the pre-
cise course he had suggested, their prospects would be gathered within
the dark pale of ruin.
^' I suppose that you have been tnming that point a^ain over in
your, nob V* said he, alluding in the first place to the proposition for
sending Goodman to a distant asylum in a fictitious name, and m the
second to the head of his honoured father : '^ I suppose you have deemed
the point worth another thought ?"
" I have," replied Walter.
^' Then of course you mean to go the whole quadruped ?"
Walter looked as if a slight interpretation were essential to a perfect
understanding of that question.
^' I say," continued Horace, really marvelling at his father's dense
stupidity ; ^^ I -say, of course yon mean to do as I suggest, and have
him taken off at once V
^^ Most decidedly not," replied Walter, ^' I have considered the mat-
ter in all its bearings ; I have looked at it in every conceivable point of
view, and having done so, I have arrived at the fixed determination to
set him free."
*' Then of course," said Horace, " we may just go and groan. We
have not half a chance. We must go to the pups. In my view,
there's nothing now stares us in the face but lean, leaden-visaged, lan-
tern-jawed starvation."
" And what have we had for months staring us in the face but the
most appalling wretchedness ?"
^^ Wretchedness ! pooh ! Don't talk to me about wretchedness.
Have we not had money ? I virill not contend that they cannot co-
exist ; but he who is wretched with money is a fool, while he who is
not wretched without it must be mad. Look at the wretchedness in-
volved in starvation. Stop till we haven't a dinner and can't get one i
then behold how enviable will be our position I AVhat multitudes of
friends we shall have pouring in ! what lots of assistance they will
be anxious to offer ! what mobs of grouse, pheasants and fawns will
be sent when they know that our pantry is empty !"
" Aye, aye ! that is all very fine ; but you look at the dark side of
the picture."
'* The dark side ! Show me, if you can, that that picture has a
bright one ! He must pursue one of two courses ; he must either dis-
card you and prosecute the matter no farther, or proceed at once against
you for the recovery of that portion of his property which, of course,
z z
354t LIFE AMP ADYBNTURES OP
you are utterly unable to restore. It mattere not a straw, therefore,
which he may choose ; either must involve ns in beegary."
'^ But suppose we can persuade him that we TOlieved him to be
insane V
^' I can't suppose anything half so absurd."
" I've no patience with you, Horace I" exclaimed Walter, pettishly.
'' A more rash and unreasonable fellow never lived ! One can't reason
with you at all !"
** Oh ! of course not : I knew that last year !-*But do you mean to
think that you'll make me believe that you fimcy yourself that he can
be led to suppose that we entertained any such impresnon ?"
^^ I do ! Can we not say that we were strongly recommended, in
the first place, to have the advice of two eminent physicians, and in the
second, to place him under the care of Dr. Holdem, understandinff
that he was a most humane man, ^when those eminent phjrsiciana had
pronounced him to be insane V
" No doubt of it ! Of course we can say all this, and just as much
more as we please. But that is not the grand point : the question is,
will lie believe it ?"
'' My firm impression is, that he will : for as his friend, Valentines
uncle, has promised to do all in his power to allay whatever ill-
feeling he may entertain towards us, we have but to play onr cards
well to win the game."
" Win the game!" echoed Horace. " However any man, in the
possession of all his blessed faculties, can cut away and stake his future
prospects in life upon an argument so palpably rotten, is a thing which
altogether surpasses my weak comprehension. But of course you most
have your own way !"
^' In this," said Walter, firmly, '^ I will. I have borne enou|[h al*
ready. I'll endure no more. Whatever may be the result of his hbera-
tion, liberated he certainly shall be l"
*^ Oh, well ; pursue your own course : I have nothing to do with it.
^^ Yes, Horace, you have : you have much to do with it. It will
be useless for us to oppose each other now ; but by acting in concert,
we may succeed, at least in averting a great portion of that calamity
whicli you hold to be inevitable."
^^ Oh I if that's it ; if that's what you mean I why of course I shall
stick to you as tightly as mortar can stick to a brick. My only object
was to show that the speculation was any tiling but a safe one ; but as
you are resolved to enter into it, and nothing can change you, why the
oracle must be worked in the best manner possible. Of course I must
be as anxious for his liberation as you are ?"
^' Precisely ; nay, more so : you must for months have been doing
all you could to pereuade me to release him ; but while I felt naturally
anxious to do so, I reluctantly sacrificed that natural feeling to that
which I conceived to be essential, as well to his inunediate safety, as to
his eventual restoration."
" I see !" cried Horace, ^^ I see. It is not a bad move by any
ana."
9
TALENTIlfE VOX. ' 355
^'So that if even he should," continued Walter, ^^be in the first
instance bitter against nie, the probability is that he will do something
for you, which will at all events be one point gained."
" And a grand one !" cried Horace, " a grand one. 1*11 work it.
He shall be utterly amazed at the constancy and zeal wdth which I have
been in the habit of advocating his cause."
** Here they aje," cried Walter, as a coach rattled up to the door,
containing Uncle John and Valentine. ** Come, you had better go
with us."
^^ Of course !" cried Horace, ^' I have to play the first fiddle, and in
a case of this kind it's no fool of a fiddle to play."
Valentine now entered to ascertain if they were ready to join Uncle
John in the coach, and on being informed that they were, he was
about to return, when Horace arrested his progress. " You are just
the very fellow I want," said he, unhooking what appeared to be a
piece of coarse frieze from a peg in tlie passage, *'*' Just help me to get
into my new pea. It*s a rum un. There's no mistake about it."
Nor was there. It had two sleeves, two gaping pockets, and sundry
laree horn buttons in front, which comprised its entire shape and make,
and so exoeediagly convenient was the thing upon the whole, that it
might have been put on upside down, and worn with the tail round the
throat, and the collar luxuriating about the knees without making any
material difiPerence in point of fit.
" Well how do you like it ?" said Horace, when Valentine had suc-
ceeded in getting as much of it on as the maker originally designed
for that purpose; ** What do you think of it ?"
Why it's ugly enough," replied Valentine.
That's . the beauty of it," said Horace. " Nine and six ! Lined
with this blue business all regular. There were only two of them left.
I wanted the Governor to have the other, but no, he wouldn't bite :
I did all that a man could do to inspire him with a high appreciation
of the difference it would make in his personal appearance ; but it was
no go : the Goth wouldn't have it."
By this time Walter had entered the coach, and as Valentine and
Horace immediately followed, they were the next moment whirled from
the door. As they proceeded, Walter, Uncle John, and Valentine felt
strongly disposed to be silent ; but Horace displayed the most restless
anxiety to explain to Uncle John how inexpressibly delighted he had
been to find that that whieh he had been so long and so ardently
striving in vain to effect had at length been accomplished. ^^ The very
moment I heard of his incarceration," said he, *'*' whispering very mys-
teriously in the ear of Uncle John, ^^ I begged of the Governor to liave
him home again that we might attend to him ourselves, for although
you know he might have been a little far gone, he might not have been
dangerous, and if even he had been, we coidd have engaged a private
keeper ; but you see "
^^ Young man," interrupted Uncle John, *^ it gives me no pleasure to
hear any person speak against his father."
^ You mistake," rejoined Horace, ** I was about to observe that his
j
356 tlFB AXD ADTBHTURBS OP
argument was, that as uncle would be much better treated in an
asylum, be could not in justice to him consent-
M see It all: I see it all,]' said Uncle John. 'I see it all.-*! re-
quire to have nothing explained. Yon are doubtless an intelligent,
and a very amiable young man ; but, excuse me, I have something of
importance to think of."
This certainly was not what Horace expected. He did not antici-
pate that a communication of so much interest and truth would have
been received with so much coldness and apparent incredulity. He,
nevertheless, looked out of the window, and having examined the horses
which drew them, observed that he would bet any man ten pounds to
a tin pot that he would buy a much better pair of trotters for five and
forty shillings any market day in Smithfield ; and as this observation
absolutely fell' unheeded to the ground, he declared that he was not
going to try to strike life into a lot of dummies, and, therefore, the
whoto of the remaining distance was accomplished in silence.
They now reached the hateful bastile where Uncle John and Valen*
tine anticipated a storm for which their companions were quite unpre-
pared. The bell was rung; the gates were opened, the coach waa
ordered to wait and they entered. Walter sent in his card, and they
had scarcely reached the receiving room when the Doctor himself made
his appearance. To Walter he was particularly obsequious, and to
Horace, who nodded knowingly, he was scarcely less polite, but when
he recognised Uncle John ana Valentine his countenance changed as if
by magic, and he stepped back and looked at them with an expression
of fierceness which was doubtless designed to be appalling.
*^ Why these are the very men," said he, '* tliese are the very per-
sons who burglariously entered my asylum, for the purpose of stimu-
lating my patients to break loose I '*
^' We had no such object," said Valentine.
^^ Silence ! " exclaimed Dr. Holdem, in a tone of authoritative thun-
der.
^^ Silence ! " said Valentine contemptuously ; ^ you are the keeper of
an asylum it is true ; but recollect that /am not one of your patients !"
The Doctor looked at him scowlingly through his beetle brows as if
he only wished that he had been I ^^ Do you know these fellows ? "
said he, addressing Walter.
* Oh yes ; they are friends of my brother."
'^ Friends of your brother ! They are enemies to society. They
wish to let maniacs loose upon society ! They came the other day and
got over my wall, and would have set every madman I have in the
place free, had my servants not been on the alert to frustrate their im-
pudent design."
*'^ It is fa&e," cried Valentine, '^ you miserable mass of wickedness,
you know it to be false ! '*
^* How dare you," cried the Doctor, *' How dare you talk in this
manner to me ? *
'^ I say again and again that it is false ! We luul no such design
and you know it."
YALENTINB VOX. 357
^^ We told you at the time,*' said Uncle John, ^^ that it was purely
accidental."
** Purely accidental ! It was purely accidental, I suppose, that you
assisted one of my best patients to escape ! a raving maniac ! one
whom I had had for a number of years, and who has never been heard
of since ! that I suppose was also purely accidental ? "
^' By one of your best patients, said Uncle John vnth great point,
^' I presume you mean one of those patients for whom you were best
paid ? "
^* What do you mean. Sir ? What do you mean by that gross insi-
nuation ? I am not to be insulted with impunity, and I will not by
any man. Sir ! ^not by any man ! " and he struck in an instant an
extraordinary attitude, and squared at his antagonist, with grace it must
be granted, but with a peculiarly cold-blooded aspect; while Uncle
John, whose knowledge of the science of pugilism may be said to have
been equal with that of the Doctor, had his eye upon his man, while
he held his hat in one hand, and doubled up the other into a striking
gladiatorial fist.
"Well done old pigswigt" cried Horace, giving the Doctor a
patronising pat upon the shoulder, '^you have been taking lessons
lately I see ! Now keep up your nob, and hit straight from the arm-
pits. You have nothing to do but to go in and win."
The Doctor scowled at the enemy with due darkness, and firmly
maintained his appalling position. He would not move a muscle, so
perfectly conscious did he feel that his picturesque attitude, being in
the abstract terrific, had a tendency to strike an immense amount of
awe into the soul of Uncle John.
'^ We did not come here to fight ! " cried Valentine, who had been
standing between the belligerents, watching the out-stretched arm of
the Doctor very sharply, ^^ We came hero to liberate our friend Mr.
Goodman."
The Doctor dropped his imposing guard, and looked earnestly at
Walter. The last words of Valentine liad so far unnerved him as to
render him for the time being quite indisposed to do battle. ^' I would
speak a word with you,'' said he to Walter* *^ Do me the favour to
step into this room for one moment."
^* If you desire," said Uncle John, ^* to do justice to your brother;
if you desire to keep faith with me ; if you desire to have allayed
whatever feelings of enmity injustice may have engendered in his
breast, you will hold no private communication with that man."
^' I desire nothing," said Walter, " but that which is perfectly open
and straightforward."
^^ Then you can have no objection to this matter being arranged in
the presence of us alL"
'^ None whatever ! None whatever ! Decidedly not. Dr. Holdem,
I am anxious to remove my brother forthwith."
^^ Am I to understand that you wish to remove him now? "
** I wish to take him back with me thb morning.*'
358 LIFB AMD PTBRTDBSS OF
^^ What ! as he is ! " cried the doctor, ^ He is not fit to be remoyed.
It will not be hy any means safe to remove him."
'' Is he so ill ? " enquired Walter.
^^ 111 ! In his paroxysms, which have of late been unusually power-
ful and wild, he has bem knocking himself all to pieces^''
*'*' Indeed,*' said Undo John, who found it difficult to controul his
indignation, ^' Let us see him. We shall then be able to judge of his
fitness to be removed."
^ I have nothing whatever to do with you," said the Doctor, ^ I
have no knowledge of yon in the transaction. With this gentleman
only I have to d^.'*
"*' Then be pleased to let him be brought," said Walter, *^ that we
may see if we can with safety take him with us.'*
*'' Well, well ; if you insist, I have but to produce him, and if con-
trary to my judgment you deem it safe for him to leave, you are of
course at perfect liberty to take him."
^^ Thus," said Valentine privatdy to Uncle John, as the doctor left
the room, ^ Thus any man whom avarice or malignity may prompt can
take the whole of this odious law of lunacy into his own hands ! He
can liberate, you see, as well as confine ; and yet the law, in an enlight-
ened age too, is the instrument with which he works !"
** It is monstrous l" said Uncle John, ^* truly monstrous. It is aroaa-
ing that such a law should be sufiered to exist."
*''' If one political faction could incarcerate the other,'' rejoined Valen-
tine : ^' if the little band who make up the majority of the House of
Commons : if twenty or twenty-three membeis were to be seiied jusi
before a division on some party question, though they were liberated
within the hour, a speedy remedy would be found ; but I fear that until
we can drag faction into it in some way, until we can make faction feel
that its interests axe either mediately or immediately involved, the glar-
ing evil wUl not be removed."
^^ We shall see, my dear boy," said Uncle John. " We shall see.
The thing cannot have been properly tried. We shall see."
'' What an everlasting length of time this old unhappy pigswig is !"
cried Horace. " I wonder whether nature has implanted in him the
smallest idea of his being able to fight I 1 should like to be clear upon
tliat point, because it is one of great public interest, inasmuch as
if she has, the fact ought to be exhibited at the British Museum among
the rest of the natural phenomena forthwith. I say Val I what
wouldn't I give to see him set to in a regular ring witli his match !
The magistrate who would interfere to put an end to suck sport ought
no longer to be in the commission of the peace. It woidd be one of
the most interesting battles that have come off since knives, pikes, and
daggers have been popularly patronized as an improvement upon British
bone and muscle."
The door now opened and the doctor re-appeared. He was followed
by three of his mjntnidons, who supported in their arms a pafe emaci-
ated creature of frightful aspect, with hollow eyes, which ecemed glazed
the film of death. It was Goodman !
YALENTnm vox. 359
^^ My God !" cried Undo John, as the tears gushed forth in torrents.
^^ Why why i" He was unahle to articulate another syllable ; his
utterance was choked.
Goodman feebly pressed his hand and that of Valentine, and having
kissed them, held them still, and faintly whispered, ^^ God will bless
you, my dear friends I God will bless you !" but he seemed to be un-
able to shed a tear.
The rufGians now placed him upon the sofa, and as Valentine natu-
rally imagined that if Walter and Horace approached he might spurn
them, which they still had the power to resent^ as he was not yet free^
he suggested to his Uncle the policy of keeping ;them off if possible until
the whole thing had been arranged*
With this view Unble John on the instant joined Hozaee, and urged
the necessity for nn immediate removal.
'^ Then you think be is fit to be removed T said Dr. Holdem.
" Decidedly,*' replied Uncle John, " and the sooner the better. It
is the only thing tliat can in my judgment save his life."
*^ And do you think that he ought to be removed in that state ?"
said the doctor, addressing Walter.
" Why, I really cannot say," re|^ed Walter, displaying a strong
disposition to waver. '^ I wish to be guided. If you think that he
had better remain a few days longer where he is, why, perhaps it would
be better."
*' My firm impression is," said the doctor '* and I have had some
experience in these matters ^my firm impression is, that if you take
him with you now, he will expire before you reach home."
This settled the irresolution of Walter. It decided the point at once.
His death was the very thing he most desired, for the will was in his
favour then ! He therefore turned to Uncle John with alacrity, and
asked him what he thought had bettor be done, when, finding him to
be still strongly in favour of a removal, he said, " Well, it shall be so ;
I am anxious to be guided entirely by you. Dr. Holdem, we have de-
cided on taking him with us."
*' Very welt" said the doctor. ^' Very well. Do as you please ;
but remember you will have killed him, not I ! ^Here," he continued
addressing one of the keepers, '^ tell Jones to make out Mr. Goodman's
bill immediately."
^^ The amount, without the items, will be sufficient," suggested Uncle
John.
^' Tlie amount of the balance !" cried the doctor. ^^ Bring it with
you. Be quick."
^^ Will you allow one of your men to tell the coachman to drive into
the gates, that he may tdce up at once at your door V said Uncle
John.
*^ No, I shall not," replied the doctor, ^ I shall do no such thing.
Nor will I allow the coach to come inside my gates. If you wiU take
him, take him outside, and the sooner you are i& gone the better. Now
then, here is my bill," he added, taking a slip of pj4per from the hand of
his servant, and passing it on to Walter.
960 LIFB A^ AOYSHTURBB OF
^' Blesfi me I" cried Walter^ on looking at this doeHment^ *^ 1 had no
idea oC its being bo much as this. Why, it was but the other day I
paid up. However, I'll send you the amount in the morning, -of eourte
that wiU do V
** 'By no means. I trust no man. The account must be settled
before I part with the patient. He is the only security I have for ill
dischaige."
^^ Horace," said Walter, ^' what money have you about you V
'' Come, I like that,** said Horace. '' That's good. Its about tbe
richest thing I have heard for some time. Why, you know I've no
money. I never have ! you always take special care of that."
*^ What is the amount of it 1" enquired Uncle John.
" Thirty pounds and six-pence," said Horace ; '^ I had no idea of its
being more than seven or eight."
"How much did you bring?" ^
** Just ten pounds.''
" We shall be able to manage with that, no doubt. Val, ray boy,
give me your purse."
Valentine threw it from the sofa upon which he was sitting with
Goodman, when thirty sovereigns and a sixpence weie placed upon the
table.
" Now," said Uncle John, " we vnll be off." And he placed one of
poor Goodman's arms round his neck, while Valentine placed the other
round his, and having joined hands, they lifted him carefully up and
carried him slowly to the coach.
The moment they had entered, Horace prepared to follow, which
Goodman no sooner perceived, than he shrunk back, and begged that he
might not be suffered to come near.
" Your brother wishes to be with us," said Uncle John, as Walter
stood upon the step.
" Well," said Walter, "but where am I to ride ? with the coachman r
" If you do," cried Horace, " where am / to ride ? That's the point
at issue ! But I suppose / may hang on behind or tie myself to ons
of the spokes of the wheel, and be twirled round and round to town
in that way. Of course I may do what I please with tny body !"
And he went at once to look at the state of things behind, but as
he found the foot-board studded with formidable spikes, he returned
on the instant and exclaimed, " Now you must get inside. It's all
spikey behind, so you see if you ride with the jarvey there'll be no
room for me, unless I crawl into the boot, and consent to be smothered
between two nose-bags."
" Do not detain us," said Uncle John earnestly. " Indeed, sir, you
must not detain us. Surely there are plenty of other conveyances by
which you can ride to town 7"
" There's short stages passes every quarterv a nour," observed the
coachman, as he put up the steps and closed the door. "There's vun
on em comen along now."
" Dear bless me !" observed Horace, " you don't say so, Mr. Jarvis.
Do you mean it?"
YALBNTINB VOX. 361
The ooaohman looked at him; but, taking no further notiee, mounted
hie box to obey the oideis of Unde John to drive back with all pos-
ible speed.
^^ Well, if this isn't gratitude," cried Horace, as the coach dashed
away, *^ I don't know what it is. I did ezpeot- I won't deny it I did
expect to be codted on the box with the Jarvey, but I did noi expect to
be mulled out of it altogether. This is what you get, you see, by
doing an act of kindness I But never mind, here is the sti^ : we
shall be in' town now as soon as they are. That's one oonsolatiGn."
Before, however, the coach reached the point at which they stood, it
very suddenly struck Walter that he had not a shilling! He had
brotigfat but ten sovereigns out with him, and those he had given to
Unora John towards the payment of Holdem's account.
^' Don't hail the coach," said he, ^' don't stop the ooach. We oaiit
ride. I've no money."
^* No what !" exclaimed Horace, almost petrified. ^ No inoney ?
But come, I say, governor ! you don't mean that ?"
'' All that I had went to settle Holdem's bilL"
*^ I wish that Holdem's bill were in Holdem's breeches-pocket, and
that his breeches-pocket were dangling just half-way down his throat.
Here we have another proof of what men get by acts of kindness I
Well I never mind. We must tramp it. It isn't mofe than seven
miles, or seven and a half, I suppose. Come along. But, I say! are
you qpite sure you haven't such a thmg as a little sixpence, just to get
us the ghost of a bait on the road ?"
** I biven't a'penny !" replied Walter.
*^ Well, this is a blessing 1 There can't be two rational opinions
about it ! It's a pure unadidterated blessing ; one of those which pe-
culiarly spring from an act of human benevolence. But^ come, let us
make a beginning I" And they did make a beginning; and they
walked on and on with the most exemplary perseverance for six miles
and a half, when they miraculously met with a four-wheeled cab,
which took them in triumph to the door.
CHAPTER XLIII.
CONTAINS AN ACCOUNT OF A BREACH OF THE PRIVILBGB8 OF TBV
commons' HOUBB OF PARLIAMENT.
Contrary to the expressed conviction of the delicate and disinterested
doctor, when Goodman arrived at the house of the widow, who was
delighted to see him, for more reasons than one, ^he was not only
alive, but, so powerful is the influence of the mind over the body.
362 LIFE AND ADTSHTUBSB OP
nrach betler than when he left the asylnm, aod that which tended to
naniiiuite him sdll more, was the sight of his Tallied friend Whitely,
of whose escape he had been, np to that honr, nnconscioos.
Notwithstanding these (aYourable symptoms, however. Uncle John
at once sent for a cdebrated physician, and a general practitioner of
some eminence. These gentlemen came promptly. They met at the
house. Uncle John nnreseryedly stated the case, and when they had
duly examined the patient, they decided that his frame had bran so
shattered, and his fine constitution so cruelly undermined, that although
there was no immediate danger, his complete restoration would amonnt
almost to a miracle.
The fact of there being no immediate danger, satisfied Uncle John
for the time being. For the rest, he hoped ! and he was a man with
whom hope had great weight. He begged (^ them, earnestly, to py
all possible attention to his firiend, and to call into action all the talent
they possessed, and they in return gave him certain instructions, which
he took great delight in having performed to the very letter.
Of ooufse, as Uie patient was excellently well nursed, having Uhcle
John, Whitely, the widow, and her two servants constantly attending to
him, Valentine was not much required at home. But if even he bad
been, it is questionable whether Louise would have spared him for two
consecutive days, so imperative had she become, and so firmly did die
insist upon his visiting her daily. It was therefore, perhaps, fortunate
that there was no rrad necessity for his running counter to her wishes
in this respect; and as there was none, no man could have been moie
constant in his attendance upon her who had obtained fall possession of
bis heart.
Now, it happened at this memorable period of British histoiy,
ihat the majority of the Commons' House of Parliament, bang com*
posed chiefly of men of extraordinary sapience, and being, therefore,
greenly jealous of their dignity and importance, moral, legal, and po-
litical, sought to establish to alh eternity First : That the virtue ij
their Will was superior to that of the British Constitutim ; and
Second: That having elevated themselves above the Law, they h^^
a dear and inalienable right to denounce and to repudiate the decision
of any old fool of a judge who, in the due administration of the La^
had nothing whatever but the Law for his guidance. Tlie marvellous
wisdom involved in these two eternal principles will be seen by toe
enlightened at a glance ; but the particular species of diablerie which
cau^ the full development of that beautiful spirit, which fonns the
very essence of those two eternal principles, it will be highly correct to
explain here, that the present stiff-necked generation may understand
that if anything analogous should occur during their brief existence,
they must not presume to set up their dark views in opposition to the
bright views of those who compose by prescription the first assembly
of the first gentlemen in the world.
In the first place then, at the period in question the libel laws m
England were so extremely comprehensive that anything was ft ^^^^
TALENTINB VOX. 363
and malidoaa fibel at which any man chose to take offence. Of course
the truth or falsehood contained in that libel had legally a great deal to
do with the matter, inasmuch as its truth was adduced in aggravation,
and vice vena it being held that '' the greater the truth the greater
tlie libel," truth having the greater tendency to provoke a breach of the
peace, so that the libel which was most strictly true was the foulest
and most malicious, while that which was really the most venial was
the libel which contained the most infamous falsehoods. That such
laws were just, may be rationally inferred from their existence ; but,
independently of this potent and indisputable proof, confirmation may
be gathered from the recognised fact that innumerable petitions had
been presented to the Commons' House of Parliament, praying for their
revision in vain. It is manifest, therefore, that the members of that
day, in the fulness of their wisdom, conceived that the existing law of
libel was so equitable and sound that it ought to be neither repealed
nor revised.
Such being the admirable state of things then, a philanthropic pub*
Usher who, having an eye to the improved morals of the rising gene-
ration, was unlike the generality of publishers, inasmuch as he publ^hed
works which others would have contemptuously rejected found his
celebrated name set forth in a certain report on the s^te of certain pri
sons, as the publisher of a certain book found in a certain ward in New^
gate, in which certain young gentlemen had been with a view to their
edification confined. j*
As this was most true, it was of course a most foul and malicious
libel, and the philanthropist accordingly brought his action thereon, and
as this did not succeed to his heart's content, action upon action was
brought for the^ self-same libel, notwithstanding the publishers of the
libel were the servants of the House of Commons, and the Members of
the House of Commons had declared by resolution tliat they were pri-
vileged to authorise the publication of whatever libels they pleased and
upon whomsoever they pleased, and that, therefore, he who dared to bring
on action for any such authorized libel, and all concerned with the plain-
tiff in such action, were guilty of a breach of the privileges of the House
of Commons, and would be mercifully dealt with accoi^ingly.
Notwithstanding this, however, the plaintiff in this case proceeded.
He had at length obtained a comfortable verdict, and absolutely went on to
execution. The servants of the House of Commons of course would not
pay : their chattels were therefore seized by the Sheriff and deliberately
and ignominiously sold I What then under these afilicting circum-
stances, did the majority of the House of Commons do ? Why, stung
to the very quick by the contumacious temerity of the wretches, they
sent the plaintiff to prison ; they sent the plaintiff's attorney to prison ;
they sent the attorney's son to prison, and the attorney's clerk to prison ;
they also sent the sheriffs to prison, and hero they stopped. But why ?
Why did they stop at this point ? Why did they not imprison all con-
cerned in this villanoua proceeding, from the judge to the broker, in-
cluding the jury, counsel^ officers, and all ? This strong disinclination
364 LIFB AUD ADVKrrUUfiS OF
to do more than was absolately essential to the vindicatiofi of their d^-^
nity is attributable only to their proverbial forbearaooe.
But that which made the matter worse, as far ae the sherifis were
concertied, was the fact of their setting up a plea of justification !
They pleaded, forsooth, that they were compelled to act as they did act
by law ! which was perfectly monstrous, inasmuch as they were bound
by an absolute resolution in direct opposition to tlie law to act in obe-
dience to the will of those who had set themselves above it. They,
moreover^ pleaded that they could not have acted in opposition to the
law without violating their oaths ; which was more monstrous still, for
what were their oaths ?-what were they when compared with their
manifest duty to the majority of the Commons' House of Parliament ?
They were bound to obey the behest of that majority, as their impri-
sonment proved. The mere fact of their behest in this case being
directly opposed to the law had nothing whatever to do with the
matter. They were privileged to trample upon the law if they liked :
they were privileged to establish whatevw privileges they pleased.
Their power to create privileges for themselves, with the view of meet-
ing every conceivable exigency, was unlimited, and the only wonder is
that that high-souled majority, when tliey found themselves vilified
and denounced in all quarters, did not start a privileged periodical,
wherein to lampoon their opponents right and left, and to choke if
they dared to bring their actions ^to chcS^e vrith the contumacious both
Neweate and the Tower. Nearly all who composed that majority
would' have contributed to such a periodical. They might have got it
up vrithout any assistance of a literary character, and brought it out
daily ; while, being a privileged publication, matters would not have
been minced in any sensible degree. This is clearly what they ought
to have done under the peculiar circumstances of the case, and the fact
of their having abstuned fhm the pursuit of such a course shows the
extent of their noble forbearance.
Now this question of privilege as it was termed although it vras in
reality no question at all, there being no question about anything being
a privilege which the majority chose to designate a privilege was one
which the anti-aristocratic Mr. Raven entered into with infinite spirit.
Be happened to be on terms of close intimacy with one of the sheri&,
land their incarceration was a source of great comfort to him, seeing
that as he viewed it as an act of purely aristocratic tyranny, he enter*
tained a livdy hope that its tendency would be to bring the abhorred
of his soul, the aristocracy, down. In this, however, Mr. Raven made
a slight mistake. The aristocracy had little or nothing to do with it.
There were members of the aristocracy in the majority, it was true;
but then all their political associations were with the democracy ; and,
although they were joined by certain eminent men who had placed
themselves politically in the aristocratic ranks, they were chiefly men
of plebeian origin, whom Mr. Raven usually held in high esteem.
The fact, therefore, of its being an essentially democratic moTement
proved the purity of its character, by affording a strong guarantee that
/: a ^, '::(.;
VALENTIHE VOX. 365
there was nothing in it bearing the eemblanoe of tyranny, it being pro*
verbial that democrats cannot, in the nature of thin^ be actuated by
anything like a tyrannous spirit.
Mr. Raven, however, did not care to look at the matter in this point of
view. He contended that all power was in the hands of the aristocracy,
and that therefore, every exercise of povrer was an act of aristocratic
tyranny. ^ I am going to see these victiips of your beggarly aristocracy,
these martyred incarcerated sherifiB," said he to Valentine, a few morn-
ings after poor Goodman's liberation. ^' Will you accompany me ?*'
*' Oh yes ! I shall feel great pleasure,*' said Yalentine, ^^ I should like
to see them much."
The carriage was ordwed, and they soon after started, Mr. Raven
having put on his most haughty frown and screwed his lips into an
expression of contempt the most superb*
^ What do you think of this question ?" said he on the way '* this
unparalleled barbarous question ! '
^ Why ;" replied Valentine, ^* my impression is that while on the
one hand the particular puUication complained of ought not to be held to
be a libel at all, on the other if the servants of the House of Commons
are to be privileged to write and publish what they please of any man
with impunity, as we possess no security against the malignity of such
Servants, they may assail in their reports the reputation of any honour-
able man and plunge him and his family into inextricable ruin."
As this was an extremely narrow view of the matter, Mr. Raven
^reed with every word, and contended, moreover, tliat the CommonflT
House of Parliament had no constitutional right to create for themselves
just what privileges they pleased^ which was in the abstract particularly
stupid.
The carriage now stopped, and they alighted, and were ushered with
others, by a remarkably thin individusd, into the presence of two dark
jolly looking gentlemen, who were in &ct the martyred sheriff.
They did not appear to be much cut up : on the contrary, they looked
rather waggish as if they would not have cared to intimate privately and
confidentially that as a whole they rather liked it than not. One of
them it is true seemed to want a change oi air, lor his breath was rather
short, and he wfaeeEcd Sometimes slightly ; but with this single excep-
tion they appeared to be perfectly easy in their minds and absolutely
induced the belief that they derived from their position a very consider-
able amount of secret satisfaction. Of course they spoke firmly and
boldly on the subject. They declared that they would never give in I
Tliey had by some strange perversion of reason deluded themselves into
the conviction that in acting in direct opposition to the supreme will of
the majority of the House of Commons they had actually done no mors
than their duty, and such being the case, they gave pointed expression
to their fixed and immovable determination to suffer death rather than
jrield to what they denounced as a most tyrannous exercise of uncon-
stitutional power. They couldn't do it I They wouldn't do it ! their
principles wouldn't let them ! They felt of course giateful to those
969 LIFE AMD ADYSNTURES OP
afeotionate firiends who had done them the honoar to vimt them Aero
in the dark fog^ day of tribulation ; but as for sunendering to the
tTrannoos majonty of the House of Commons ! they wouldn t.
Of course as these strong and undutiful expressions reached the ears
of thoee who composed the majority against whom they were directed,
no merciful consideration could be hoped for from them. They were
daring expressions, remarkably daring. The noble and jealous majo-
rity, who felt that they oueht to be treated with the utmost deference
by those whom they had mcarcerated for a breach of tlieir privileges,
strongly disapproved of tliose expressions, and hence when, a few days
afterwards, a meeting was convened by the contumacious sheriffs to
take into consideration the circumstances connected with their impri-
sonment, and to adopt such prooeedinffs as might be expedient to effect
their liberation, a deputation from that noble majority, composed of
half a dozen of the most popular statesmen backed by a legion of
individuals, each of wliom had been secured by a small retaining fee to
advocate privilege for ever ! marched into the hall in which the meet-
ing was to be held, about an hour before the regular proceedings were
to commence.
Having thus obtained possession of the place, they determined, in-
stead of waiting for those tardigrade creatures whose province it was
to lead the business of the meeting, to commence and carry on the pro-
ceedings themselves, and therefore one of the deputation stepped for*
ward to propose that another of the deputation should be requested to
take the chair. This produced some slight disapprobation, forasmuch
as there were already a fe w ^' friends of fair play" in the room, they pro
tested against the under-sheriffs whom the sheriffs had deputed to
attend -being thus by a dignified manosuvre forestalled.
^^ Gentlemen !" said the proposer, addressing the retainers, '^ Is it
your wish that our old and tried friend should take the chair ?"
In the midst of a slight senatorial yell, the question was nominally
seconded and carried with surpassing unanimity, and tlie old and tried
friend vaulted into the chair in the due course of nature.
^^ We are met here to-day," said that statesman, '* to discuss a vital
principle of extraordinary vitality."
'^ You have not been elected to the chair !" cried one of the friends
of fair play.
^ Haven't I,*' said the statesman. " Never mind, I am in it !" and
he winked at the Senators around him. *'*' 1 am not going to make
a lone speech," he continued. ** Has any gentleman a resolution to
submit to the meeting V
^' I have a resolution !** cried a remarkable senator, who took great
delight in beholding dead bodies, and prided himself especially upon the
statesmanlike quality of making faces of a character peculiarly gio*
tesque. ^^ I have a resolution to propose."
One of the friends of ur play here protested against the irregularity
of the proceedings.
"-* Why, your honest and straightforward Chairman," exclaimed^ the
TALENTIKE YOX. 367
femarkibld senator, ^* asked if any one had a resolution to propose.
I answer, yes, I have one.**
" I beg to rise to order," said a gentleman, who was at that time well
known in the city.
*^ Order!'* cried the remarkable senator, ^*why there's no disorder
now, except that which you make !"
The gentleman, however, insisted npon suggesting, that, in. their
eagerness to do business, they had forgotten to read the requisition,
which, just for the sake of quieting that gentleman, was borrowed and
read.
^^ Now," said the Senator, who was still on his legs, " we have every
thing regular, and "
'* But," interrupted an enemy to privilege, " we want fair play l"
^* Why, the gintleman who calls for fair play," cried one of the
deputation, who boasted of having tropically a tail with seven million
supple joints, '* is u^y enough to be angry ! Did ye iver now say
sich an ugly baste ! Be me soul thin, he*s ugly in the extrame."
This sound and unanswerable argument in uvonr of the privileges of
the House of Commons, and consequently in favour of the incaroeration
of the Sheriff, had an electric effect, and again cleared the way for that
remarkable senator, who was still in possession of the chair. ^^ Wo
have to consider," he resumed, ^^ We have to consider, in the first
place "
* Down ! down ! " shouted the friends of fair play.
^* Indeed ! " said the Senator with an expression of contempt.
^ Down ! down ! Don't you wish you may get it ? Down ! who's to
'4^ it? Who'll put me down? that's what I ask: who'll put me
down ? Down i It won't do ! It's no go 1 It's been tried on bo-
ftire."
'^^ Are you a freeholder?" demanded one of the friends of Eur
play.
" Am I a freeholder? there's a pretty fellow ! there's a most sensible
animal ! Why the fellow must be a natural fool to "
Here there were loud cries of question.
^Question!" cried the Senator. ^^The question is too much for
you ! You have too much stupidity to understand the question. I
am not at all surprised at a lot of idiots bawling out ^ question ! ques-
tion ! question ! ' " And the Senator, screwing up his legislatorial
mouth, gave interesting imitations of the various tones in which the
word question was cap&le of being uttered.
An elderly gentleman on the hustings here had the unblushing auda-
city to caU " Order ! "
*'*' I wish," said the Senator with infinite propriety, '^ that I had a
strait waistcoat for that old lunatic."
This observation was greatly applauded, but before the applause had
died away another gentleman, who was dressed rather better than any
member of the Deputation, suggested the propriety of the speaker
confining his remarks to the object for which the meeting had been
398 LXFB AND AVrEtmnSB OF
eiUed. ^ What do yon mmni " cried the Senator. ^ Who is this
roan-milliner who dares to interrupt me ? What has he done with his
band-hox?"
At this interesting stage of the proceedings the nnder*sherifh entered
with their friends, among whom were several highly influential, bat
grossly deluded magistrates of the county. They proceeded at once
to the platform, and one of the under-sheriff had the daring to
request the statesman who occupied the chair to give it up. To
this cool, but extremely audacious request of course Uiat great states*
man refused to concede. ^^ I am here,*' said he, ^* and here I stick,
and no mistake about it !" an appropriate observation which called
forth a remark from the under-sheriff, to the effect, that an attempt
had been made to corrupt the meeting, which remark had no sooner
been uttered than a rush was made from the back of the platform,
of which the object was obviously to hurl the under-sheriff and their
influential friends headlong into Uie body of the meeting.
There were many superncial individuals at this time present, who
conceived that this was not precisely the fiwhion in which a great prin-
ciple ought to be discussed ; but then these individuals really knew
nothing at all about the matter : they foolishly imagined that it was
the duty of the deputation to allow the Sherifl&' friends to be heard,
whereas it was their duty a duty which they owed to that majority
whom they foirly represented ^to silence the Sheriff' friends, by all the
means at their command.^
The under-sherifls, notwithstanding, kept their ground, with that
physical inflexibility by which bold bad men are in the aggregate
characterised, and a regular battle ensued. The deputation themselveB
were particularly active, while the spirit and courage developed
by their retainers were admirable in the extreme. They tore down
the partition that enclosed the platform, as if it had been touch-
wood, and crumbled- the chairman's table into one chaotic mass of in-
finitesimal dust.
' The Riot Act 1 The Riot Act !" exclaimed one of the dastardly
enemies to unlimited privilege, and the undOT-sherifi actually did
read the Riot Act, and quitted the room with their friends like
cowards, leaving the noble deputation of the majority of the Com-
mons' House of Parliament in full possession of the field, after having
triumphantly struck the conviction into every British breast, that both
in and out olP the House they were resolved to leign supreme !
ALSNTDnS VOX. SCD
CHAPTER XLIV.
BBOWa WHAT CURIOUS CREATURES LADIES IN LOTE BIAY APPEAR.
In the coune of their lives, men frequently find tlieir estimate of the
character of ladies to he incorrect ; and althoudi it may occasionally
happen say once in an age ^tliat a lady will mistake the real charac-
ter of a man, the striking truth involved in the position loses none of
its legitimate force, for it has hut to he experienced to inspire the soul
with a due appreciation of its purity and importance.
It does not, however, hy any means follow of necessity, that when
circumstances prompt men to form a second estimate, the second muH
be more correct than the first, for the qualities of ladies, especially if
they be loveable, lovely, and young, are so variously developed and
concealed, that a man can make sure of being somewhat out, only, when
after having added the little items up, he discovers that he has reckoned
the amount to he an aneel
It will hence be perceived, that how various and irreconcileable soever
may be the estimates of men touching this extremely interesting point,
it IS perfectly possible for the first to be the true one, albeit the proba-
bility inclines to the second. It is, however, strictly within the scope
of the imagination to conceive that they may in some cases be equally
wrong, and in order to prove this remarkable fact, it will be necessary
to explain how Valentine, after having formed his first estimate of the
character of Louise was induced to form a second, and how that was
found to be quite as incorrect as the first.
He had for some time observed what he conceived to be an inexplie-
&ble change in the general tone and bearing of Louise. She had be-
come in his view, more imperative, more haughty, more assuming, and
laboured apparently to make him understand that she had m inalienable
right to insist upon his devoting the whole of his time and attention to
her. Whenever he failed to caU precisdy when sho happened to expect
him, &be would address him in a style which bore the semblance of
asperity, and demand to know the reason ; when, if he did not explain
to her entire satis&ction, she would turn from him at once and for hours
flit sullenly silent alone.
Of course Valentine did not approve of this mode of displaying
affection. He felt that she might love him indeed, fondly, passion-
ately : still he conceived that the object she had in view was to make
him her slave, to which his spirit would not allow him to snbmit.
His feelings towards her were of the purest and most affectionate caste :
he had cherished those feelings from the first, and still fostered them
fondly, albeit he had been led to suspect that she was not that sweet
tempered, mild, calm, gentle creature his heart induced him originally
to believe her to be ; but when he discovered, or thought he had dis-
covered, that she presumed upon the existence of those feelings and ap-
pealed to take deUght in wounding, playing with, and tyrannising over
3b
870 LIFB AND AUVENTURES OF
them, he naturally felt tlmt if the spirit hy which she was actuated,
were not promptly checked it would eventually acquire too muc'
strength to he suhdued.
The more he tried, however, to accomplish the task he had proposed
the more impatient she heoame. He remonstrated calmly, and deli-
cately pointed out the folly of giving way to a habit which could he
productive of nothing but discontent. **" My dear Louise T be would
exclaim, ^^why do you thus strive to make me wretched? Why
assume a false character ? This is one to which I ani sure you have
no real claim, and I cannot for the Kfe of me conceive what pleasure
you can derive from its assumption, wlien you know it to be a source
of unhappiness to me."
^ Sir," she would reply, '^ understand that I am not to be schooled
like a child. I will not be spoken to thus. I cannot bear it. It dis-
plays an overbearing disposition to which I will never submit. If I
am so odious that my society is the source ef pain to you, I do not
conceive that you are bound to endure it. There are others more
amiable, nunre calculated doubtless to impart pleasure. I am therefore
surprised that you do not prefer their society to mine."
These, and other remarks of a similar character had the effect of in-
ducing Yalentine to believe, tliat while her ostensible aim was to
monopolise the whole of his time and attention, her latent object was to
tire him out, and thus to force him to do that which she was anxious
to avoid doing directly herself. He knew that on the death of her ftther
she would be mistress of some considerable wealth; he knew that
Raven belonged to the mere monied aristocracy, and that his purse-
proud spirit had been imbibed to some extent by Louise ; it was there-
fore but natural for him to imagine that on its being discovered that
his expectations were nothing at all comparable with hers, her fether
had prompted her to resort to some indirect means of breaking off what
he considered an ineligible match.
Of course he no sooner conceived this idea than he resolved to absent
himself at least for a time. There had been nothing in Raven s conduct
towards him to justify such an impression, while his hopes were in favoor
of its being utterly false ; still he felt himself bound, as a matter of com-
mon justice to himself to have recourse to the only available mode of as-
certaming if the notion he had conceived were well founded or not.
He accordingly ceased to visit as usual, and as he kept away for two
entire days without hearing one word from Louise, he began to be par-
ticulariy wretched in the conviction that what he had imagined was
really conect. On the third day, however, his hopes revived, when be
saw Raven's carriage drive up to the door. He was of course *' not
at home," but that was perfectly unnecessary, seeing that Louise who
was alone in the carnage, simply enquired after the state ^ his genenJ
health, and having sent in her Other's card, drove off at once.
The lightness and freedom with which Valentine, after this, breathed
were remaritable. He actually began to feel himself i^in, and it really
required but little to re-assure him that Louise loved him stilL
'^ Why, Val, '^ said Uncle John, who entered the room as the cud
VALBNTIKB YOX. d71
was brought up. ^^ Wliat is the matter, my boy, between you and your
ladye love, anythmg wrong ?"
*' I am not quite satisfied," said Valentine.
*^ Not quite satisfied ! then you ought to be. That's my impression,
^you ought to be satisfied. What would you have ? She is interesting,
amiable, beautiful, intelligent. What more can you desire V
" Sincerity !" replied Valentine.
'^ And do you mean to tell me that she is not sincere ? Pooh, ab-
surd ! I'll not believe it. She is full of sincerity; that girl is all heart.
I know it : I am sure of it ! Val, you must not have such fiuicies.
You deceive yourself while you trifle with her, and no man has a right
to play with the feelings of a woman."
'^ Iliat, I am sure I have no desire to do ; but she appears to take
pleasure in trifling with mine."
^' Why, of course ! They all do it. You ought to know that. It
is a thing which every man must expect. It is their province, but
their object is simply to see what men are made of."
^'That may be very correct," said Valentine, 'Hhey may all be
coquettes more or less ; but I fea^ that, as I am not rich and they are,
the impression of Raven is that Louise, by marrying me, would be to
some extent sacrificed."
^^ Sacrificed !" exclaimed Uncle John, with an appropriate look of
indignation. '' Why what does he mean by that ? What does he
mean by his daughter being sacrificed? Does he take you for a
pennyless beggar? Never enter the house again, my boy I Show
your indepenaence ! ^sacrificed indeed !"
^^ RecoUect I have no proof of this being his impression."
'^ But have you any reason to suppose it to be so ?"
'' I cannot say that I have any strong direct reason to believe it."
'^ But has he ever hinted such a thing ? Has he ever in any shape
given you the slightest intimation of anyUiing of the kind ?"
" Never.
'^ Then how came you to entertain the notion V*
^' Simply because I have of late observed a change in the manner of
Louise.''
" Is tliat all ? Why you silly fellow ! Did you ever expect to find her
always the same ? do you not know that all women are as vari-
able as the wind ? A change in her manner ! why, they are always
changing. They are continually at it ! And so because she has
simply done that which is recognised generally as being one of their
privileges, poor things ! you consider yourself justified in supposing
that she is anxious to discard you in consequence of her pecu-
niary expectations being somewhat more brilliant than your own!
Don't be stupid. Go as usual. If, indeed, any hint of the kind be
given, you will know how to act ; leave the house that very instant
and never enter it again. But I don't believe anything of the sort.
The girl is passionately fond of you. I am sure of it. Can you im-
agine that she would have called here this morning if her object were
what you suspect it to be ? Is it likely ? My boy, you do her an in-
372 LIFE AND ADTENTURBS OP
justice. Go to her at once. You are wounding hor feefingv, which
you ought as a man to be anxious to avoid. Depend upon it, Yal^iihe
is a good little creature. She is the very sort of girl with whom, if I
were again young, I should be likely to fall OTer head and eais in
love."
As the firmness, as well as the birth of afFection, in a great degree de-
pends upon our views being backed by the judgment of others, Valen-
tine heard this with pleasure. He felt at the time quite sure that the
opinion expressed by Uncle John was correct, and therefbre made up
his mind to call the following morning. In the evening, however,
while engaged in a conversation touchmg the villany of Goodman'is
relatives, a note superscribed by Louise and embliusoned with the
flaming crest of Raven, was brought into the room, witir the infor-
mation that the servant had been desired to wait.
The note was immediately opened of course, and the following were
found to be its afiectionate contents :
^* Miss Raven has to apologise for having thus taken the liberty of
troubling one so superior in every respect to herself; but as she has the
presumption to conceive it to be possible that he may condescend to
state whether she may expect him to honour her with a call to-monow
morning, and if not, whether jshe will be justified in expecting ever to
have that high honour again ; she humbly begs the &vour of some
slight information on the subject, albeit, she is ndly aware of its being
one which to him is extremely displeasing.^'
Twice Valentine read this afiectionate note, being naturally anxious
to understand all its peculiar points and bearings, and then smiled as he
submitted it to Uncle John, who having laughed very merrily, handed
it to Whitely, upon whom it had a totaUy different effect, for he shed
tears the moment he saw it, and on being strongly urged to state the
reason, explained, that it was in consequence of its being precisely like
the handwriting of her, by whom fifteen years before, he bad been
shamefuUy dbhonoured.
'^ Bless my life and soul!'' said Uncle John. ^^Why, how was
faatr
'' Some day," replied Whitely,' ^' I will explain. It is a long sad
tale a tale of wretchedness on the one hand, and infamy on the
other;" and fresh tears gushed forth as he looked agun at the
writing, which appeared to call up recollections of a character the most
painful.
While Whitely was thus occupied, Valentine was preparing to
answer the note. He knew not how to begin, ^ My dear Louise f"
No, that would not do. '^ Madam V no : nor would that. At length,
having decided upon sending an answer, in a style corresponding with
her own for the time being, he wrote thus :
*^ Miss Raven is hereby informed, that he, whose immense superiority
has been so happily acknowledged, will have the peculiar condescension
to honour Miss Raven with a visit in the morning."
This he thought very fair and highly appropriate, considering; and,
having dispatched it, he turned to resume the conversation having
TALENTINE VOX, 375
refeience to Goodman's podtion with his brother. Whitely was, how-
ever, then deeply engaged with hid own thoughts, while Uncle John
seemed quite disposed to commune with himseff in silence; and, there-
fore, as Valentine also had private considerations to entertain him, the
subject was not renewed, and they all retired early.
Valentine slept most soundly that night. His rest had, for some
time previously, been broken. He had had dreadful dreams : nay, hi
vivid imagination had actually, on one occasion, placed him in a posi-
tion from which ^although hotly pursued by a mob of individual
whom he wished to avoid ^lie was utterly unable to stir an inch !
which was very unpleasant. His mind was now, however, compara-
tively tranquil; and as he, in consequence, made up to some extent foi
the sleep which he had lost, he rose in the morning very sensibly
refreshed, and, having eaten an unusually hearty breakfEist, proceeded to
keep his appointment with Louise.
** I wonder," thought he on the way, " I wonder how she will
receive me ? Angrily, perhaps ^perhaps coldly ^perhaps with a smile."
He could scarcely teU which of tfie three was the most probable conjec-
ture, although it may just as well at once be confessed, that, as his hopes
were with the hist, he inclined to the belief that the greatest amount of
probability rested decidedly upon that.
The thing was, however, soon proved. He reached the house,
and was shown into a room, in which Louise sat in state. He ap-
proached her : she bowed with that peculiar grace which freezes on
the hottest day in June. He took her hand : she withdrew it. He
attempted to kiss her ! she would not allow that attempt to succeed,
but waved her hand towards a chair in the distance.
^* Louise," said he, tranquilly, ^* may I know your object in wishing
me to visit you this morning ?"
^^Sir, my object was to ascertain why you treat me with con-
tempt. I conceived that if even you had no regard for me, you at least
had the feelings of a gentleman. But it appears that even in that, I
have been grossly deceived."
** You are inclined to be severe, Miss Raven," said Valentine, good-
hnmouredly.
*' Not more so than circumstances warrant. If, after having been
but too successful in inducing me to believe that your professions were
sincere, you discovered in my character, or general conduct, anything
calculated to render my society painful, why had you not the manliness
to avow it ? why absent yourself from me without a single word of
explanation without uttering a syllable having reference to the cause?
Is it gentleman-like ? Is it "
'^ Miss Raven, shall I call to-morrow morning ? The probability is,
that you will then be more calm."
^^ I am sufficiently calm now, sir. I shall never be more calm until
you have explained to me that which seems attributable, not to mere
caprice, but to something far worse. What have I done? What
offence have I committed ? Why have you not called hero as usual ?
374 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
Gire me a single xeason for your absence, and then at least I shall know
how to act."
*^ Louise, I will be frank with joti," said Valentine, who still pre-
served his calmness, ''I will candidly explain to yon the cause of my
absence. When I first had the pleasure of seeing you, and for some
time after I had discovered your residence, it was not alone your beauty
by which I was enthralled, although to that I was never insensible-^"
*' Sir !" inteirupted Louise, ^^ I am aware that we are all sufficiently
open to flattery ; but allow me to su^;est, that there are times at which
it becomes too palpable to be pleasing. I demand to know, as briefly
as possible, the reason why you have absented yourself from meV
^^ Upon my word, Miss Raven, you are somewhat imperious."
'^ Have I not a right, sir, to demand this, after what haa happened ?
What was the cause V
^' Briefly this : I have noticed, of late, an extraordinary change in
your conduct towards me, and, conceiving that my presence had become
somewhat irksome, I "
'' How could you possibly imagine anything of the kind, when yon
know that I have done all in my power to induce you to call more con-
stantly than ever ?"
*' Nay, nay, hear me out. Having conceived this, I felt that there
must be some motive, some secret cause for so sudden a change ; and,
beinff utterly unconscious of bavins done aught to induce it, I naturally
attributed the &ct to your knowledge of my expectations, in a pecu*
niary point of view, being greatly inferior to your own."
'^ What have I to do with pecuniary expectatioiks ? Have I ever
inquired what they were? Have I ever dropped a syllable, which
could be construed into a hint upon the subject ? Never ! But you
conceal the real cause, which lies deeper. You once saved my lile ;
you saved the life of my father, and, toerefore, know that I am bound
to you in gratitude for ever. You presume upon that, and hence trifle
with, and trample upon, my feelings ; or if not, you have been intro-
duced to some brilliant coquette, some fascinating creature, more accom-
plished and highly connected than myself, in whose society yon
experience more pleasure than in mine, and to whom you devote all
your happier hours "
^ Indeed, Louise, you do me wrong, and I feel that in your calmer
moments you will acknowledge, at least to yourseli^ that your expressed
views on both points are baseless and unjust.'*
^ You then wish me to believe that, although you thus shun me, you
neither take advantage of the circumstance I have named, nor oourt the
society of another ? You wish me to believe this ?"
** I wish you to believe, that although my afiections are fixed upon
you firmly, I never vrill consent to be a passive, abject slave, to be
tyrannized over, and tortured perpetually by the violence of her from
whom I ought to expect nothing but gentleness and love."
^* Yon understand, sir, of course," said Louise, with great dignitj;
*' that, at least as far as I am concerned, you are perfectly free."
*' It would give me great pleasure to make you understand, that, at
"^ OrujjW uji}
''"'"' "/'^A''"-"y
VALENTINE VOX. 375
least as far as I am concerned, these strong bursts of passion are very
painful."
" You would have me then endure all in silence ! though spumed,
shunned, contemned, and treated with every other species of contumely,
I must be silent ! She to whom you hav^e devoted the last three days
may do this, but be assured that I will not."
'' The last three days I have devoted to those poor old gentlemen, of
whom I have so frequently spoken."
*^ Assuming such to have been the case, even that would not justify
your conduct to me. If you derive more pleasure in the society of two
old lunatics than in mine, I, of course, feel flattered, and can only,
under the circumstances, say that you had better return to it at once."
** I will do 80, if you wish it."
** You will ? You will leave me ?"
^^ Most certainly," said Valentine, and he rose on the instant.
^* Go," said Louise, who bit her lips violently, and turned pale with
passion. ^^ I have no right, no wish, to detain you. By all means,
sir, go. But remember, if you do, if vou do leave me thus never,
never ^my heart will break ! I cannot bear it "
^^ Louise V cried Valentine, who flew to her side instantly, and caught
her in his arms, as she was falling. She had fainted. The perspiration
stood like dew upon her brows, which were icy cold, .and she looked
pale as death. For a moment he felt paralysed. He knew not how to
act. He gazed upon, and kissed her ; but no sign of reanimation ap-
peared. He reached the bell, still bearing her in his arms, but the rope
seemed useless. He tried the other. The shock was far too great for
that ; it came down as instantaneously as if it had been held by a single
thread, but before it descended he had unconsciously made sufficient
noise to alarm all the servants, of whom four rushed, at once, into
the room, in a state of great es^citement.
Of course, they were aU stunned on beholding Louise, like a dead
individual, in Valentine's arms ; but the attitude of the coachman was
the most picturesque, although many might have admired the repose of
the porter, an extraordinary-looking, sentimental scoundrel, whose com-
prehensive mind teemed with homd suspicions, and whom the scene
struck physically tranquil.
*' My goodness me, what is the matter !" cried the lady's maid, in
whose peculiar apron had been established two remarkable pockets,
whi^ were always as open as the day. ^' My dear Miss I come !
poor thing ! Run and fetch the Eau de Cologne," she continued, ad-
dressing one of the servants, ^' It is lying on my tablei a long, narrow
bottle, all neck ! You vrill find it ^but stav ; I'U run myself."
^' You had better remain," said Valentme, ** you had better not
leave."
^* Tell Susan to get it then : tell her to make haste ! I hope to
goodness her papa vrill not return before she recovers; if he should,
there'U be such a to do ! My dear young lady ! look up ! I never
saw her so before. I never did. I cannot think what it could be. I
cannot conceive. Susan ! Susan ! What a time the girl is, to be sure.
97^ LTFB AND ADYElfTUREB OF
But there's no getting anything done nnless one does it one's sell
Coachman, see after Susan. What can she be about V
Susan entered, and the Eau de Cologne was applied to the nostrils,
the temples, and palms of Louise, who eventually sighed, and thus at
once dispelled Valentine's fears. That sigh was the prelude to her
recoyery. Her bosom began to heave with its usual freedom ; the
blood mdually retnmed to her cheeks, and she looked round with per-
fect seu-possession.
^^Lead me to my room/' said she, faintly, to the servants, who
carefully raised her firom the sofia. ^ I.am better, much better but I
shall there be more quiet and at ease.*'
Valentine offered his hand, which she pressed and kissed warmly,
and as she left him, he fondly conceived that her gaze developed a pure
and affectionate heart.
**' She still loves me,* said he, on being left alone. **" She can
not conceal that ; but as her peace of mincT as well as my own is in-
volved in this struggle, I must not yield now. It is lamentable that
she thus allows anny passions to &sffuise the beauty of her natural
affections, but more lamentable still would it be if those passions were
allowed to gain a permanent mastery. It is clear that my impressions
were fidse. She has no wish to break off the connection. Her object
is simply to contend for her own supremacy, with a view to the es-
tablishment of a species of domestic despotism, which all experience
proves to be pernicious ; nay, utterly destructive of the happiness both
of her who is the ruler, and of him whom she rules. I feel that I am
as little inclined as most men, to be a domestic tyrant, but this spirit
must be checked ; and as I imagine that I possess sufficient influence to
check it, I consider myself bound to exert that influence by all the
means at my command."
Being unable to ring the bell, he now desired the peculiarly senti-
mental porter, who was still engaged in turning up the yellows of his
eyes in the hall, to make the necessary enquiries, and having at length
ascertained that Louise had completely recovered, he at once left the
house, with a firm determination to carry the object he had proposed
to himself into efiect.
CHAPTER XLV.
TAUSNTINB VISITS THE ZOOLOGICAL OAROBNt.
The next morning Valentine called and left his card, having leaned
that Louise was quite well. It is true, that he was not exactly satis-
fied with having done this simply. Had his feelings been unfettered,
had he oonsultea them alone, he would have seen her ; but as prudence
"^ggested that the better course was that which he had punned, he
VALENTINE VOX. 377
started off for a long walk instead. He, notwithstanding, a thousand
times wished she had heen with him, and as the morning was dclight-
fuHy clear and calm, he actually turned, on arriving at the gates of the
Regent's Park, with a view of retracing his steps. Prudence, however,
again interposed, and compelled him to walk on alone.
This was harsh on the part of Prudence, and her dictates are often
particularly harsh, although it happens hy mere chance of course
that she is almost invariahly right in the long run, seeing thai she looks
beyond the enjoyment of the passing hour. It is, however, a striking
fact, and one which cannot be too extensively known, that that which
lexicographers generally call Irresolution, is frequently mistaken for Pru-
dence ! It is strange, that so pernicious a mistake should be made
that the one should be taken for the other ; yet it is so, yea, even as a
bitter bad shilling is frequently taken for a good one. For example ;
A man is anxious to know himself and goes to an accomplished Phre-
nologist, who finds an extraordinary bump about the middle of each
parietal bone. ^* You have a deal of caution," observes the professor,
as he gropes about in vain for some counteracting organ. ^^ A deal of
caution," and assuming the ^* science" of Phrenology^ for the nonce to
be in this small particular correct, that man would be considered a
prudent man, by those who confound prudence with irresolution. But
see such a man in the street. He vrants something : he wants it
very much, but he doesn't know whether to have it or not. He has a
very strong desire to enter a house. He goes up to the door, stops to
hesitate a little, and then turns away to think it over again. Well, shall
he go in ? Eh ? Yes and yet no. But then, let- him see ! and
he walks back again. He can't make up his mind. He ttants to go
in ! but, perhaps no ; and again he walks away a few paces ; and
thus he will amuse you by trotting to and fro, knitting his brows and
scratching his head just as long as you like to look at him. Catch such
a man taking unto himself a wife, or entering into, anything like a
speculation. You cannot do it. He is not to be caught. He has not a
single spark of the spirit of enterprise in him. He must ^* see his way
dear ;" and even then he wont move, for '^ a bird in the hand is worth
two in the bush." A perfect specimen of this peculiar species would be a
blessing to himself and an honour to his country, for he would never
voluntarily stir, because he would never be able to make up his mind
to do it. A perfect specimen, however, perhaps never existed. Hy-
pochondriacal individuals approach the nearest to perfection in this
respect, their disease being the fruit of irresolution legitimately ripened
into rottenness.
Mighty minds must therefore hold it to be marvellous, that prudence
should be so generally confounded with irresolution, and although it is
perfectly possible that Valentine might not have thought of this as he
walked round the park, it is clear that lie was guided at the time by
real prudence, and was sad only because he then felt it to be harsh.
Having reached a gate, which he found on enquiry to be that of the
Zoological Gardens, it struck him that as he never had been in, he
might as well spend an hour in viewing the '^wonderful'* animals, as
3c
878 LIFB AND ADTENTUREB OF
they are termed, eolely because they are in this oountiy rare, which k
partial and nnjnst, seeing that fleas, which are not rare in civilised
Europe, are equally wonderful, theb physical orangiiation being equally
perfect.
Oaring, however, but little for this, he went up to the lodge, and
having tendered his shilling, was asked for a ticket.
^* I have no ticket," said Valentine.
^ Yon can't be admitted without," said the man.
" Well, where am I to get one V
*^ Oh, any where ! at any of the shops. But you can pass with the
next party."
At this moment a person approached, and, having tendered a small
slip of paper, with a shilling, walked in, when Valentine put down his
shilling and followed, which made all the difference.
On entering the grounds, the first thing that attracted his attention
was a pole, established in the centre of a well, at the bottom of which
three melancholy bears were crawling round and round, as pensivdy as
possible. Two of these gentlemen had very decent coats to their backs,
but the third was rather ragged, in consequence, probably, of his pros-
pects having in early life b^n blighted, by circumstances over which he
could have no control.
Round the verge of this well stood sundry individuals, of whom the
majority had purchased buns, biscuits, and cakes, wherewith to treat
the animals generally, and who were having recourse to every roedes of
suasion, with the view of inducing one of the bears to mount ^e pole.
Biscuit after biscuit viras thrown into the well, and bun after bun, in
little pieces ; but, as the bears swallowed all without even looking up
to express thanks, the generous donors became disgusted with their in-
gratitude, and stopped the supplies. This had a very sensible eflfect,
for, almost immediately aflerwaids, one of ihe bears climbed the pole,
and leaned back, with his moutii wide open, to receive whatever might
happen to be put in, which went instantaneously, without masticatioii,
down into the general stock. At this moment, how pure was the de-
light of those around t They experienced such happiness ! nothing
could surpass it ! They only, by whom buns to bears have been given,
can know the soft pleasure of which it is the source. Every person
who had a bun gave it to bruin in many little pieces, that the pleasure
might be multiplied just as many fold. Sometimes half a dozen would
be at it together, in which case the gentlemen below stood a chance,
although a poor one ; for, as a genend thing, the one on the pole caught
all, vrithout either trouble or care.
*' Now then /" said Valentine, throwing his voice into the' widely-
extended mouth of the animal '* You are not half quick enough :
come !"
Tlie feeders started. Upon them the effect was striking. It shook
all their nerves, and they looked at each other with an expression of
wonder. Was it possible? They turned the matter over in their
minds. No, surely they must have been deceived. Pooh ! Ridiculous!
TALENTINE VOX. 37d
Absurd ! ^and yet, had they not heard it ? and could they not belieye
their own ears 7
While they were thus trying to solve this mysterious piece of
business, ihe bear, finding that nothing was put into his mouth,
thought that he might as well climb to the top of the pole as not ; and,
haYing done so, he placed his paws over the oall, and appeared to be
exceedingly anxious to ascertain the true cause of the mental con-
fusion of his feeders. He looked at them steadily, and they looked at
him; but they did not appear to understand eaeh other, even then,
exactly I
** What are the odds V* said Valentine, throwing hb voice into the
animal's mouth, as before^ What are the odds, that I don't spring
right in amongst you V
No odds were offered I Nothing of the sort ! Tliey flew, in an in-
stant, from the spot like uncivilised beings, while bruin stuck firmly to
the pole, wondering what on earth could be the matter. The thing
appeared to him to be utterly inexplicable. He couldn't make it
out ! He seemed perfectly puzzled ! He looked at the people, as if
anxious to induce them to come back; but no! they continued to keep
at a most respectful distance, until he conceived it to be useless to waste
any more of his valuable iime there, when he descended with the view
of communicating the circumstances, as far, at least, as he understood
them, to his brother bears below.
The very moment he had descended, the people began to explain to
each other their views on the subject, with eloquence and force, starting
all sorts of curious conjectures, and bringing old ^sop to illustrate the
point, with remarkable tact and erudition. As Valentine, however,
like bruin, conceived it to be useless to waste any more of hi i valuable
time there, he left the amazed ones, before even the boldest of the group
had re-insiured sufficient courage to return to the well, and pursued his
way along the most frequented path.
As he proceeded, an infinite variety of ugly animals met his view ;
but, regarding them, as he did, as creatures formed by his Creator, he
perceived points of beauty in them all.
^* Would you like to have a ride, Sir V* inquired a man who had
charge of a female elephant, which seemed to stand in awe of a little
ragged switch, ^^ she's as tame as a Christian, and goes along as steady
*^ Does she trot V inquired Valentine.
^* Why, it aint, you see, exactly a trot, cause she ony makes a shuffle
on it, cause she's so big about the pins ; but she'll do a good eight mile
an hour !"
" Well, mount," said Valentine, " 111 have a ridfi by proxy."
The keeper simply said to his charge, *' Come," when the elephant
dropped upon her knees ; and, having allowed him to mount, rose, and
shuffled along the path, with a gait precisely like tliat of an exquisite
walking upon his toes. ,
This was a source of great amusement to sundiy young ladies, whose
presence caused Valentine to wish that Louise had been there ; but as
380 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
after having rewarded the keeper of the elephant he went into tbe
place in which the monkeys were exhihited, her ahsence no longer
annoyed him.
There had heen, just preTioudy to that period, a renuu-kahle mor-
tality among monkeys. The sharp, easterly winds had swept off the
tender creatures by wholesale, and the cages were, in consequence, com-
paratively empty. The few that remained, however, did not, by any
means, fail to excite the admiration of the ladies, who watched them as
anxiously as if they had been children, and applauded their pla3rful
manoBuvres with really affectionate warmth. ^'Liook at that little
dearT said one, pointing to a ragged little gentleman, sitting in a
singularly graceful position, while two little friends of his were hunting
up the fleas about his dear little person, and biting off their heads aa
they caught them, with infinite dexterity " Isn't he a love ? Pretty
creature ! Look ! Bless him, how patiently he sits !*'
*' Disgusting,*' said Valentine, directing his voice behind her whose
admiration had thus been so strongly excited. '^Are you not
ashamed V
It appeared that she was, for she dared not look round, but dropped
her veil hastily, and quitted the place veith her friends, when all tbe
other ladies who were present had at once the good sense and propriety
to follow their example.
Yalentine now went to see the Giraffes, and found them exceedingly
beautiful creatures ; but his attention was soon arrested by what, at
first sight, appeared to be a little, emaciated, withered old man, who
had recently experienced some appalling domestic calamity, or in conse-
quence of bad debts, or a falling off in business, expected every day to
have the docket struck against him, with something like four-
pence in the pound flitting scraggily across his* diseased imagina-
tion. He accordingly approached this diminutive individual who, as
he sat with remarkable gravity in a chair, appeared to have made up
his mind to begin life again with a blanket ^but as he found the cage
in which that individual was confined, duly labelled '^ Pithectu Sa-
tyru9 : Orang Utan^* all his sympathy vanished. And yet the little
animal looked most unhappy. Indeed, it was abundantly manifest, that
he had not only caught an extremely severe cold, but had something
then presdng upon his mind, with suflicient weight to impart to his
whole countenance an expression of sadness.
^' Now there's a striking specimen of the animal creation," observed
a grave person in -spectacles, accompanied by a friend from the country,
whom he felt quite determined to astonish. '* Do you know now,
whenever I look at these creatures, I always feel puzzled ! Did you
ever see any living thing look so much like a man ? Look at his hands,
look at his eyes, look at his lips, look at his cheeks, nay, look at his
general aspect ! Talk to me about instinct and reason I Draw the
Une ! draw the line, I say; show me the difference distinctly point
out to me where the one ends and the other begins, and I'll then, but
not till then, give in. Here we have, without doubt, the connecting
link of Nature's extraordinary chain. Just look at him picking his
VALBMTIKB VOX. 381
teeth with a straw I Is there any other thing besides man, in the
comprehensiye scope of creation, that understand how, why, and when
to do that ? And then see how he folds that blanket around him ! Is
there any other animal on earth besides man that understands what a
blanket is for ?"
^' As to that," observed the friend of this gentleman, ** I suppose he
keeps that on because he finds it warm/'
'^ Not a bit of it I Not by any manner of means, because, in a
blanket there's no warmth to find. He knows there's no warmth in a
blanket. He knows that a blanket would warm him no more than it
would a lump of lead. No ! ^lie keeps it on solely because he is cog-
nisant of its virtue being to check the evaporation of perspiration.
And does any man mean to tell me, that a creature that can, aye, and
does do this, being moreover conscious of what he is doing, is utterly
destitute of reason ? Will any man contend that the creature before
us don't know as well what he's about as we do or that he ever does
an3^hing for that's the grand point without having a reason ^mark,
having a reason^ for doing what he does? Why, the very idea is
absurd ! Few men who nave lived since the ancients have studied
this subject more deeply than I have. You may, therefore, with safety
depend upon this, that that animal there is a species of man. It is
true he is not in every particular precisely like either you or me, but
then show me, if you can, in the whole scope of the universe, two men
that are precisely in every particular alike. Show me two but two
^that look alike, walk alike, think alike, act alike, laugh alike, frown
alike, or feel alike, precisely, and then I'll give in."
^^ Now, if so be as these things here could talk, I'd then say some-
thing to you."
^' Talk, my dear Sir ! they can talk. They can talk in their own
language."
** Aye, yaye ! but not in ours I'
^' What do you mean by that ?** cried Valentine, sharply, making his
voice appear to proceed from the animal in question ^^ Do you wish to
insult me ?"
Tlie mouth, hands, and eyes of the amazed country gentleman were,
in an instant, wide open, while his learned friend started from the rail
upon which he had been leaning, and established his spectacles more
firmly upon his nose ; but the creature in the blanket usplayed more
astonishment than either, for, after having turned his head right and
left rapidly, being startled by the sound of a human voice so near him,
he muttered, and chattered, and sprang from his chair, and having
reached the highest branch of the stump in the cage, sat and grinned
with extraordinary fieroenesd.
" What do you think of that ?" said the spectacled individual ; but
his friend could not tell at all ichat to think of it. He shook his head,
and scratched it, but made no reply.
^^ Why," said Valentine, throwing his voice as before " why don't
you acknowledge your error like a man, instead of standing there
scratching your liead like a fool ? Do you hear me?"
\tf
382 LIFE iJfD ADVEI9TURB8 OF
Again tke ahraied aumal leaped from branch to biaiich. The thiBg
was altogether new to him. He had never either heard of, or met with,
anything like it. The idea of a voice thus hovering about hb ean,
without being able even to guess where it came from, was really too
much for his nerves I He did not approve of it at all, but shook hb
bead, and sliowed his teeth, and, at length, made such an extraordinary
chattering, that the man who had the care of him entered the place,
wonderinff what could be the matter.
*^ You d better stand a leetle furder off, marm, please," said the man,
as he drew near the animal s cage. *^ If you don't, the giratife there'll
nibble off the takole of them green leaves of youm, and &ey does him
no good."
In an instant the lady to whom this was addressed plaoed her hand
upon her bonnet, and found her wreath gone.
^* Now, what s the matter. Jocko V* said the keeper. ^* Wliat have
they been doing to you, eh V
^' Oh, we've Deen doing nothing," observed the spectaded individual.
*^ I was merely conversing witli my friend, when the animal inquired if
we wished to insult him.*
^^ The animal ! what Jocko what insult him !'* cried the
keeper, who felt quite disposed to kuffh loudly ^* and eo you
heard him speak, Sir, eh, did you ? He tauLS very wdl. Sir, consideruig,
don the?"
*' It*8 wimderfiil ! really I never heard ^I*d no idea of that qiecies
oi creation being able to talk in our language."
** Lor bless you. Sir I didn't you V
*^ Never I I couldn't have conceived it to be posnble. If I hadn't
with my own ears heard him, no power on earth could have made me
believe it."
** No, I dare say not. There aint many that would."
*' I'm astonished, absolutely astonished, that the fi^t is not made
more generally known. It ouffht to be disseminated throughout the
whole scope ^ creation. Nothmg but that was required to settle the
point of the connecting link for ever."
^^ That's just my sentiments to a hair.".
** And who taught him, my friend ?"
' Why, that I can't say. Sir, rac/y."
^ He deserves well of his country, be he whomsoever he may."
** Jocko perhaps can tdi. Sir, if you ask him."
** Dear me, I shouldn't wonder. I never thought of that. My little
man," he continued, addressing the animal, as the keeper, who was able
no longer to bear it, burst into a loud roar of langht^, of which, how-
ever, the querist took no direct notice. '^ My little man, who taught
yon the English language ?"
^^ Indeed, I shall not tdl you," said Valentine, through Jocko^ *^ I
feel most indignant."
** Hullo !" cried the keeper, whose oonntenanoe changed as if by
iBMnc, as Jocko again jumped about and looked perfectly bewikLeied.
^ What's the meaning of aU this? Is the cieatnr bewitohedT
YALEMTIZfE VOX. 383
He went ronnd to the door at the side of the cage, and having opened
it said, ** Why, Jocko I"
**" Don't apeak to me," cried Yalentme, ** Yve heen grosalj insulted.
Away ! or Til be reveneed on you."
As Joeko flew towards him, in aO probability for protection, being
alarmed whenefor Valentine spoke, the keeper closed the door in an
instant, and said, *^ Wdl, thit beats all my acquaintance f He now
no longer addressed the spectacled gentleman in tones of roguish
sarcasm, for he felt that however absurd it might baye appeared^
he could not then dispute the apparent fact of the animal having
spoken.
''Why, how in the world is this?" ezchdmed the person m
spectacles. '* How comes it that you are so greatly surprised T'
The keeper felt himself compelled to acknowledge, that he had been
as he termed it, "" roasting" that gentleman, never having heard the
animal in his life speak before ; which was all very well and cleared the
way, of course, as far as it went ; but the chief point, the grand con-
sideration, the assumed fiict of his having then actually spoken the
English language, with the accent and the emphasts of an Englishman,
remained.
Various were the guesses of the gentleman in spectacles ^his friend
from the country was too much amazed to say a word and bold were
the assertions of the keeper touching Jocko's being victimised by vritch-
craft ; but although they both displayed great imaginative power, and
no inconsiderable amount of ingenuity, the more they laboured to un-
ravel the mystery the more entangled it became ; and as Valentine now
began to feel that he had been sufficiently amused by their ridiculow
conjectures, he quitted the gardens and w^ed home to dine.
CHAPTER XLVL
WHEREIN WHITELY EXPLAINS THE REAL CAUSE OF ALL HIS MIBBRT.
From tlie moment Whitely mentioned the hct of his having been dis-
honoured by her, in whom all his hopes of happiness on earth had been
centred. Uncle John had experienced an irrepressible anxiety to know
the whole of the cireumstances involved from first to last. We may
hear of the occurrence of such deep misfortunes daily, pass thran over
with a word and think of them no more; but when so great a calamity
befals either a friend or one of whom we have some knowledge, how-
ever slight it may be, our curiosity as well as our sympathy is awakened,
and we regard as deeply interesting each minute point.
No idea of the real cause of Whitelys abject vrretdkedness had
tlieretofore entered the imagination of Uncle John. He had attributed
the fact of his being tiien a fiU'lora broken-fipirited creature, to the
brutal treatment he had experienced in tlie asylum, but had never
384 LIFB AMD ADVENTURES OF
thought of inquiring how or bj whom he had been placed in that
asylum, until, on gUndng at the note of Louise, Whitely mentioned
the subject in tears. But even then. Uncle John regarded any fiurther
allusion to the matter as a point of extreme delicacy, seeing that his
impression was, that Whitel/s calamity had driven him to absolute
madness, which had, of course, justified his incarceration : still, being
extremely anxious to know all, he resolved on giving Whitely the very
earliest opportunity of performing the direct promise he had given, that
all should be explained.
Accordingly, after dinner, on the day of Valentine's visit to the
Zoological Gardens, he started the subject of the character of Louise,
with a view of bringing the matter round. ^' Well," said he, ^^ how
was Miss Raven this morning ?"
" Quite well," replied Valentine.
^' Ah I quite recovered ? And did she let out again, Val ?"
Oh, I simply left my card.*'
What ! did you not see her ? Ill tell you what it is, my boy :
youll play with that poor little girl till you lose her. You ought to
have gone in by all means. You ought to have made her without
taking the slightest notice of what had happened, put on her things to
go for a walk. Tliat's the way I used to do, when I paid my addresses
to the girls ; and it's the best way too, you may depend upon that
What do you think her state of mind has been to-day, now, to bring
the matter close ? Why, there she has been, poor thing ! sitting alone,
sighing, and moping, and fretting her little life out ; whereas, had you
taken her for a walk, it would have cheered her up, and made her so
happy, that nothing could be like it. It's all very fine, and very flat-
tering, to be able to break a girl's spirit and tame her down to nothing;
but what is she fit for, when your object has been accomplished ? What
is she fit for as a wife 7 She's fit for uothing ! she is not even fit to be
trusted ! All she can do, is to administer to the despicable vanity of
him, by whom the sickening milk-and-watery namby-pambyism of
slavish obedience is exacted. It strikes me I'm about right there,
my friend?" he added, addressing Whitely, who was pa3dng great
attention to every word.
''Quite; quite right," replied that gentleman. '^ Thousands have
been plunged into misery and despair, through breaking the spirit of
those whom they love, and thus depriving thran at once of that shield
which is essential ^no matter how innately virtuous they may be to
the resistance of powerful temptations."
** So you see, my boy ," resumed Uncle John, *' that you must not
expect to have it all your own way. But there's another thing to be
thought of : It isn't al wa3r8 that a man can break a woman's spirit, if
he tnes ; and when he fisiils in the attempt, she either rewards him be-
fore marriage, or settles with him afterwards in full of all demands.
Besides and that's another thing to look at you'll not find eveiy
woman fool enough to marry a man who displays a disposition to leign
supreme : so you d better look out, Val, you'd better look out I"
VALBNTIKB YOX. d85
*' Bot I am quite sure," said Whitely, '* that Valentine has no dis-
position to play the t3r7ant."
*^ And so am I/' said Uncle John, ^* so am I. But he's such a proud
independent dog ! I'm sure he'll lose her : I'm sure of it, if he don't
mind what he's about. And she's a beautiful girl, too ! a most beau-
tiful girl ! You noTor saw her, I belicTe T
^' No, I should like to see her much," replied Whitely.
" Well ! you have only to say when you'll go ! ^By the way, it is
strange- I have often thought of it since that you should have been
so much struck with her handwriting !"
** It is strange," said Whitely, *"* and yet it is after all, probably
attributable to the fact of my not having seen a lady's writing before
for years/'
*^ Very likely. But then, hers is not a common hand by any
fcneans. Where is that note, my boy ?"
Valentine produced it.
^ I should know this hand from a million, there is something so pe-
culiar in the formation of the letters. It is wliat I should call a re-
markable hand. There is nothing, you see," he continued, as he gave
the note to Whitely, ** there is notlung, you see, formal or stiff about
the 8t3rle : all is perfectly free."
^' It is not a common hand, which makes the resemblance the more
extraordinary. Fifteen yean since, I could have sworn, conscientiously
have sworn, to this being the handwriting of her who was my wife.
Butabs!"--
Whitely paused, and both XJnde John and Valentine watched him
intently. In his eye there was no tear, but his heart's wound appeared
to have been re-opened.
^' Had you been married long," said Uncle John, at length, ^^ when
the unhappy separation took place ?"
** Five years, only : five short happy, happy years."
' ** You will, I am afraid, think me too curious ; but ever since you
alluded to that lamentable affikir, I have felt deeply anxious to have the
circumstances connected with it explained. It will, however, bo too
painful to you, perhaps, to relate them V
" *' No, my friend, no ; the relation of our woes is sometimes a relief:'
but I shall weary you. Calamities which strike to the very hearts
of those who bear them, luive indeed but little effect upon men by whom
theb force has been happily unfelt."
' ** You need not, my friend, be at all apprehensive of wearying me.
I feel tcH) deep an interest in the subject to be wearied. You are a
native of London I believe ?"
^^ Yes ; and no man ever had or could have had a fairer prospect of a
long life of happiness before him than I had from the period of my
marriage, up to the time when every earthly hope was blasted. My
&ther died while I was a minor, leaving me that which I ever regarded
as a competence, but I remained sin^e for some years after I had at-
tained my majority. At length, I met her in whom my heart would
permit me to see nothing but perfection. She was an orphan, and was
3d
366 LIFE AlfB ADTBNTUIUB OF
livmg at ihe time as oompaiiioD to a lady, who had known me from
childnood. A moie amiaole or a more interesting creature never
breathed : I believe her to have had, then, a heart as free from soile as
that of an infant. We married ; and for nearly five years, lived in the
pure and onintermpted enjojrment of each other's sociefy, when a viper,
an illiterate, low, cunning miscreant whom were he now before me ^I
could strangle, poisoned the mind of her whom I valued more highly
than my life, and eventually, induced her to leave me/'
** Was he a friend, as the phrase goes ? a villain in whom you had
confided V
** A perfect stranser ! whose assumed name was Howard : his real
name I never could Team."
^* Well, but how did they bring it about ? How did she meet with
himr
^' I know not. For some months previoudy to her leaving me, I
observed an extraordinary change, not only in her manner, but in her
language and style of dress. I not unfifequently saw about her penon,
jewels, which to me appeared to be of inunense value; but havmg the
most implicit confidence in her honour, I took no frirther notice than
that of expressing my admiration of their beauty; and on being asked
whether I did not consider them excellent imitations of the most pre-
cious gems, I was satisfied in attributing thdr display to that nwcies of
vanity which, in a woman, is to some extent venuJ. At lengUii how*
ever, they became so brilliant and so numerous, and v?ere worn with so
much ostentation, that I felt m3rself bound to look into the matter more
closely. With that recklessness which impunity genentea, even in
those who are the most tremblingly apprehensive of detection at the
commencement of a career of vice or crime, she would leave these
sparkling gems carelessly about, and feeling then quite justified in icmg
that, whi^ under any other circumstances I should have held to be a
pitifrd act of meanness, I on one occasion took them to a jevreller,
and having learned their real value, my suspicions were aroused. Still
I did not, I could not beUeve her to be ndse. I felt, indeed, sure
that she had been tempted, nay, that she was then on the brink of
destruction; but so implicit was the confidence I had been ao*
customed to repoee in her, had she then simply stated thai her
eyes had been opened, and thenceforth concealed those jewds firom my
nght, I should have felt quite convinced that she had retnme4
them to the villain, and should have held her to my heart more
fondly than ever. She vras not, however, sufficiently subtle for this.
Instead of striving to allay my suspicions by the invention of frdsehood%
the very moment I alluded to the subject---although I did it vnth all
possible calmness and delicacy she assailed me vnth a vident burst of
passion, of which I never before supposed her to be capable. Sh^
would submit to no dictation in a matter of this kind ! She would not
suffer any such unmanly interference I She would wear what she
pleased : she would receive what presents she pleased, and that, too^
from whomsoever she pleased I*-and, having expressed hersdf loudly
and indignantly to this effect, she bounced vnth a look of contempt
"^"Jl j^r" 10
T-'
ALsnnxB tox. 887
firom the room, leayiDg me in a state of amasemait. My Mend ; that
Yely night she left me ! left me without another word I ^taking with
her our two dear children 4he sweetest innocents that were ever sent
as a hlesBong to man. Had she allowed them to remain, I might have
borne the rt in silence. Conscious of her guilt, I might .not have
pursued her ; bat^ as it was, I made every possible exertion to discover
her retzeat, with a view to the restoration of my children. For weeks,
for months i was unsncoossful. I searched in eveiy place in which I
conceived it to be even remotely probable slie had concealed herself; but
no ; every eflfbrt waa unavailing, every hope of recovering my little ones
witii:ed. I became a wretched being ; I felt tiiat I ha4 for ever lost
all that I cared for on earth ; and was then zeckless even of life. At
length, however, I received information of her having been seen in the
neighbourhood of Knightsbridge, and to Knightsbridge I went accord-
IngTjr, day aftw day, walking through and through the place fitm
morning tall night without success, until nearly a month had elapsed,
when I saw her one evening at a window, with my children by her side.
The recognition was not mutual, and I did not then wonder at it much,
for I had become quite careless of my dress and person, and looked, if
poeedble, more wretched Idian now. I went, however, instantly to the
door, and knocked loudly. I knew not for whom to inquire, but the
fiict of her being in the house was sufficient, and having said, I know
not what, to the servant, who seemed satisfied, I made my way at once
into the room, at the vdndow of which she had been standing. As I
entered, she was drawing down the blinds, and turned instantly to wel-
come, not me, but the vfllain whom she expected. On perceiving me,
however, i^e stopped, as if struck with paralj^s. She knew me in a
moment; but uttered no word. I demanded my children, and she
.dropped upon her knees, with the view of pressing them more closely
to her bosom. It was a sight I could scarcely endure. I could not
attempt to tear them forcibly from her, for they clung to her as firmly
as she clune to them. Still, still I was resolved to have my children.
I demanded them again : she made no reply ; she was pale, deadly
pale, and trembled violently, but would not give utterance to a word.
I spoke to them, to my children, to my own oear little ones ; I called
them by name : I was not their papa : their papa would not be home
till by and bye ! Maddened at this, I determined at once to separate
them from her ; but, before I could accomplish this object, the very
miscreant' rushed into the room, when I turned to fix upon him. I
sprang at his throat, but I had lost my wonted strength. He shook me
off, and, having reached a case of pistols that happened to be then
upon the table, he seized one, and presented it firmly at my head. In
an instant my wretched wife flew to him, in order to induce him not to
fire ; but, having by this time got the other pistol in my grasp, I called
upon hex loudly to stand aside. I could have shot him dead, with less
remorse than I would a dog ; but I could not shoot even him through
her I Affain, therefore, and again, I called upon her to stand aside.
She womd not. She would cling to him still! when, taking a
deliberate aim over her shoulder, he fired, and I fell. The ball
388 LIFE AND APTEimmES OF
entered my breast, but, though utterly powerless, I wds not iiueiisible:
I remember all that occurred from first to last, as distinctly as if it bad
happened bat yesterday. It will, however, be sufficient to states that
I was lifted upon a bed, where I remained for nearly three hours bleed-
ing that I was visited then by two persons, for whom the miscreant
had started soon after I had tdlen and that, having dressed my wound,
which they pronounced not dangerous, they removed me at once to a
lunatic asylum, as one who had made a desperate attempt upon his own
life 1 While on the way I knew not at all where I was going ; and if
I had known, it would have been useless, for I had then no poww to
offer any resistance; but the moment I entered the asylum I saw
through the infamous scheme, and considered mjrself a lost man. With
all the strength that remained to me, I demanded to know by whose
authority they had acted. Tlie demand was regarded with utter con-
tempt, I begged earnestly then, as a finvour, to be infonned. As a
fwDour they showed me the certificate. My friend, ^it had been fflgned
by my wife I ^God, forgive her ! There was I, stolen for ever, as I
imagined, from society, a poor, wretched, broken-hearted ooktuie,
vmthing, moreover, with physical agony, without a friend with whom
to communicate without a single soul who cared for me knowing
where I was; and there I remained for nearly fifteen yeaxs^ sub-
jected to every conceivable species of brutality, deprived of every-
thing-^-even of my name ; for, as they insisted from the first upon
calling me Whitely instead of Whitbread, I adopted it in order to avoid
annoyance, and have ever since answered to the name of Whitely, as if
it were reaUy my own."
*' To say," said Uncle John, ^^ that I am aroaaed, were, indeed, but a
weak expression of what I feel. But what became of W, my friend?
what became of her ?"
^^ While there--hut out, as I was, from the world, as completely as
if I had been in my grave it was utterly imposnble for me to learn;
nor have I, since my escape, been able to ascertain whether she is, at
this present moment, dead or alive. I have inquired of the few that
remain on earth by whom I was known, but can obtain no information
either of her or of the children. It is my children, my friend, for whom
I am anxious : I care but little, indeed, about what has become of her ;
but my soul yearns to hear of my children.''
" Well, who knows !" exclaimed Uncle John " you may hear of
them still \ You may see them they may yet be a comfort to you, my
friend, and a blessing. Who knows I But your property : what be-
came of that V
^ Not a vestige remains. It consisted entirely in houses, of which
every one, I have ascertained, was immediately sold. I have daamed
them all, and the answer in each case has been the production of the
title. He who was my solicitor is dead ; but I have learned, from a
man who was formerly my servant, that the sales were effected, in
every instance, by that wretch whom I hope to meet again, before I
sink into the grave. I should know him were I to see him even now.
Never shall I forget his scowling, villanous aspect."
TALENTIMB TOX. 889
^* Have yoa no knowledge at all of who he was^ or what he was V
" Not the slightest. I uiould say that he was a dealer in diamonds,
or a jeweller, or something of that sort. That he was wealthy there
can be no doubt ; but, aluiough he was dressed in the highest style of
the da^, he was the yilest, the most Tulgar, low-bred sooimdrel I ever
met with."
**' The jeweb ! ^the jewels did it all !" cried Unde John. ^^ But I am,
noYerthdess^ astonished that so inteUigent, so accomplished a creature
should have connected herself with a f^ow so illiterate.''
^^ My friend," said Whitely, ^^ be astonished at nothing a woman may
do, when she yields up her virtue. If once she be guided by the spirit
of wickedness, she will elope with a sweep or a satjrr. Every quality,
which she before highly prized, becomes nothing in her esteem then.
The veiy loveliest will ding to wretches the most shrivelled and
withered : the most highly accomplished will connect themselves with,
boors. Then all connderations of intellect and honour are lost : every
feeling is meiged in the mere gratification of their infiaanous passions,
for when a woman becomes wicked, she is wicked indeed."
*^ That is true," said Uncle John ^* very true." And this was all
he did say ; for the circumstances related by Whitely had so amazed,
him, that he ran them over and over again in his mind, while Valentine,
upon whom they had made a deep impression, had no disporition to
break that silence which throughout the remainder of the evening
prevailed*
CHAPTER XLVII.
SHOWS HOW VALBNTINE TRIED AN EXPERIMENT IN THE HOUSE OF
LORDS AND FAILED.
If he who was the first to abuse his fellow man, instead of knocking
out his brains without a word, laid thereby the bans of civilization, it
as naturally as possible follows, that the more highly dvilised we be-
come, the more bitterly abusive we must be ; and if this bright deduc-
tion be perfectly sound, we may infer, without straining the imagina-
tion much, that we are now fiist approaching the very perfection of
dvilization, which, of course, is a very great blessing.
Now, in a land of liberty like this, in which every public man, bdng
hdd to be public property, is abused precisely as the generous public
please, it is by no means an unusual thing for public men to be con-
sidered queer- creatures in the aggregate, by those who have derived
their information on the subject from gentlemen who write satires, draw
caricatures, and fulminate political philippics, and hence it will not be
deemed droll that Valentine when about to pay a visit to the House
of Lords ^should have expected to behold some of the oddest indi-
300^ LIFB AMD IDfJCNTDUBB OF
#
Tidaak, on the one hand, and on the other, some of the haaest and most
pahiably black-hearted yillains that ever breathed.
Me luKew that the artistes in question were worshippeiB of Yiitae :
he know that at that particuhir period they were a pecidiariy patriotio
spectes of people in the lump ; but although he made a liberal allow-
anoe for all this ^taking off, perhaps, someUiiDg like seventy per cent. *
he yet Uiought that if, m their representations, there was a sufficient
lesemblanoe to identify the men, the peers of the realm still must be a
most remarkable lookmg lot*
Well 1 -having been engased all the morning with the solicitor, into
whose hands poor Qoodmans affairs had been placed, he happily made
sufficient intcoiest to procure a peei^s order, and went alone down to the
House.
There was an air of what Raven would have designated '^b^^garly
aristoorac/^ about the various persons in attendance; but, mUiout
having recourse to a phrase so harsh, it may be stated with perfect
truth, that they were on ezceUent terms with tiieir ovm individuids, and
seemed to have an amaaingly high sense of their position, rmiding
haughtily as dirt all but peers, to whom their nature compelied tiiem to
oringe most servilely.
Of course, Val^tine smiled as he passed, at the excessive sdf-
importance of these gentlraaen ; but the smile had scarcely quitted his
IipE^ when he found himself actually vnthin the House of Lords I
vvnich v^as very surprising. Instead, however, of being, as he ex-
pected to have been, introduced into a galleiy, he discovered himself
on the floor of the House, and was shown into something which seemed
to be a superior sort of witness box in a comer, while behind the bar
stood a number of persons, who looked as if they were about to be
tried for high treason.
In the body of the House there were three individuals, two sitting at
the table in wigs, and one with a dress sword standing beride them.
There were no peers then present. It was not five o'clock. But thegr
entered in a body, when that hour arrived, with as much punctuality as
if they had been waiting to hear the clock strike. As they entcrod,
Valentine looked at them earnestly, but he really was unable to see
many of those oddities, whose appearance he had been led to expect, nor
could he discover any creatures whose countenances were indicative of
any peculiar blackness of heart. On the contrary, they appeared to be
pliun, mild, unassuming people; and with the exception of the Lord
Chaifcpellor and the Bishopft were dressed with remarkaUe simplicity.
Their manners, too^ were gentle and courteous. There was not even
the subtest attempt at display. They conversed in the most finniliar
strain ; and, indeed, looked as much like other men as possible.
About the period at which Valentine arrived at this striking condu-
sioD, the business of the nation commenced* In the first phwe, a tall
and startlinff person approached the bar, and, addressing the Lord
Chancellor, delivered liimself precisely to the eflfeot that somebody had
got something. He then produced a little gentleman who singulariy
enouf^ happened to have some important documents under his arm
ALBlfTIinB VOX. aei
and made him bow thiee times irith dae distincinen and bmoilityy be-
fore he took hifi oath that all he meant to aay was true.
** What haye you got there V* inquired the Lord Chancellor.
The gentleman commenced a little speech, that was understood
by his lordship before it was delivered, which was fortunate, see^
ing that had it not b^en for that^ it would not have been underatood
atalL
*^ Have you examined them ?" demanded the Lord High Chanoellor.
** Yes, my lord." This was said boldly.
" Do you find them correct ?"
'^ Yes, my lord," replied the little gentleman, who spoke up again
like a man ; and, having delivered the K;uments in question, retired,
highly pleased at the fia^ of the job being done.
The peers now commenced the presentation of petitions, which is
beyond all dispute the most interesting portion of the business of the
House, although it seems highly ratiomd to suppose, that there would
be fewer to present if they, oy whom petitions generally are got up and
rigned, knew the astounding effect they produce when presented.
^* My lords,'' a noble peer will observe, with surpassing tranquillity^
^' Petition-^Norwich against destruction-glorious constitution."
Tetion," the derk at the toble will then edio '* Tetion Norge
'struction glorse constution.''
Such petition in eveiy section of which there may be an argument
sound as a nut ^is then crushed together carelessly, and thrown under
the table, tiiough heaven and earth may have been moved to obtain
signatures thereto*
While the peers were thus engaged in the performance of this solemn
duty, there was a movement at the door near which Valentine stood,
most strikingly indicative of something. Sevwal persons ran in, appa*
rently in a stote of great excitement ; and, having glanced round and
round, ran out again, for the purpose of briuffing in others. The ma-
jority of them happened to have papers in their possession, but they all
looked as if they had discovered some horrible plot aeainst the State^
and were excessively anxious to communics&te to the House all they
knew about the matter. In this state of feverish anxiety they continued
for some time ; but, having at length got themselves together, they
poured some great secret into the ear of the person with the sword, who
nodded, as if ne was not at all surprised at it, and then approached the
bar as before.
* My lords I" said he, *^ a message from the House of Commons !"
The Lord Chancellor rose and at once waddled towards them, and placed
tlio respectable-looking carpet-bag he had in his hand upon the bar ; and
when one of the gentkmen of the House of Commons had delivered to
him a document, and advised him, as it seemed, not to drop it, he
waddled back to his seat as they retired three paces in redly admiiabb
order.
As soon as this job had been accomplislied, the person with the sword
went again to the bar, and said, ^' My lords I a message from the
House of Commons !*'
399 LIFB AKD ADYBtmniBS OP
The Lord Chanoellor snatched up his carpet-bag again, and bowled
down to the bar as before, and havinc received another document from
another individual, bowled back wim that sweet satisfaction, which
aprings from the consdousness of having MthfuUj performed a great
duty.
*' My lords ! a message from the House of Commons T cried the
person with the sword, the very moment his lordship had returned to
the table, and again the Loxd Chancellor took up his bag without
which he appeared to be unable to stir and again rolled down to the
honourable members.
Valentine thought it a little too bad to make his lordship trot back-
wards and forwards so often, when they might just as wdl have put the
whole of their documents into his carpet-baff at once. He did not, in
fact, like to see a Lord Chancellor played with, and run off his legs in
this way, and hence perceiving that his lordship had too much polite-
ness to say a word about the matter himself, although he evidenUy felt
it very deeply he threw his voice behind the deputation, as they were
bowing, and said, ^^Why could you not have sent them all in to-
gether f*
The members seemed startled as they tumed to look round, and ih6
person with the sword cried ^* Order 1" and looked very fiercely at the
strangers behind the bar, of course conceiving that one of them had
spoken. The members, however, eventuidly again reached the bag, and,
having placed the third document upon it, Valentine, making his voice
apparcnily proceed from the lips of the Lord Chancellor, whispered in
tensely, " I say ! have you got any more ?"
^* One more, my lord only one more," replied an honourable mem-
ber, as the Lord High Chancellor looked at the person who stood^
embdHshed with a bob wig, behind him with the mace. His lordship^
however, took no farther notice, but bundled back again to his seat.
^ My lords ! a message from the House of Commons !'' again cried
the deputy serjeant, and again the Lord ChanceUor snatched up his bag
and came down to the bar with due presence of mind.
^^Now, is tliis the last?" inquired Valentine, pitching his voice
towards the mace-bearer.
^* Yes, my lord, this is the last."
** WeU, come, that's a comfort."
The Lord High Chancellor again looked gravely at his attendant,
and his attendant looked gravely at him. His lordship, however, with
striking forbearance, said nothing, but having bowed veiy profoundly,
returned to his sack.
The members of the Commons now left the House, laughing, and
the person with the sword distinctly intimated to the strangers, that
if they did not keep quiet, they should not remain. Severu of the
most prominent protested their innocence, and all the rest were very
ready to do the same thing ; but that was perfectly absurd, he knew
better, and therefore advised them most strongly to mind what they
were about.
At this moment a noble lord rose, for the purpose of directing the
....,.,. /Ld 6, ,.,...
VALENTINE VOX. 303
.1
attention of the House to some measure designed expressly for the pro-
motioB of the love of religion. He commenced in a quiet, conversa-
tional tone^ as if anxious to reserve all his power for his points ; but,
although he spoke fluently for nearly an hour, he ended as coolly as he
began, while the only kind of action in which he indulged was that of
occaaionaUy tapping the palm of his left hand with two of the fingers
of his right.
The very moment- his speech had been brought to an end, another
noble lord started up to denounce it, and in doing so his violence was so
excessive, that at times he was utterly unable to express the indignation
with which his bosom swelled. He looked frightfully at the, noble
lords opposite showed his teeth, foamed at the mouth, and eventually
worked himself up into a passion so terrible, that the noble lords oppo-
site actually smiled 1 This made him still worse. He became quite
hot : and the more indistinct his articulation grew, the more rapidly he
rattled away.
*^ I wonder,'^ thought Yalentine, as he listened to this vehement de^
nunciation ^^ I wonder if it be possible to produce a scene here at all
like the one I witnessed in the House of Commons V* On reflection he
felt that it was not ; but, being anxious to try the efiect of an attempt^
he cried " Question ! Down ! Down !" throwing his voice behind
the fulminating peer, who turned in an instant and stopped. The
^ing was really so unusual that the noble lord seemed quite struck !
Had it proceeded from noble lords opposite, why then, indeed, he might
not have felt so nttich amazed, although, impious as they all were in his
estimation, he had never heard anything so indecent even from them ;
but the idea of beii^ thus interrupted by noble lords on his side of the'
House ^by his own noble friends---hi8 own party ^was shocking ! he
held it to be, indeed, a heavy blow and a great discouragement, and
seemed anxious to move that the journals of the House be searched for
a precedent, when the noble lords around him said, '' Go on go on.'*
*' Sit down i" cried Valentine, assuming a totally diflerent voice.
** Order ! order I order !" cried the peers on both sides; for, although
they had all had enough of the eloquence of the noble lord then on his
legs, not one of them would even by his silence seem to sanction an
interruption at once so unusual and inconvenient.
The noble. lord then resumed. He seemed to feel a little better,
although he obviously could not forget it. *' My lords," said he, *^ in
the annals-" '
"Monstrous!" cried Valentine " Why do you hear him?"
*' Order, order, order!" cried the peers simultaneously '* Order,
order, order 1" and again they looked round, with the view of ascer-
tuning which noble lord it was.
This, in the House of Commons, as Valentine had proved, would
have been quite sufficient to produce a little yelling ; but- albeit party
feeling, at tiiat particular period, ran quite as high there as it did in the
House of Commons ^he could not get a single peer to join him. He
was, on the contrary, opposed by them all. Not one would lend his
countenance to any such proceeding. They were absolutely shocked at
dB
394 LIFE AND ADVENTURSS OF
the interrnption, and Valentine at length became oonvinoed that no
storm could be raised.
This was the only fiiilnre he had ever experienced. In every ether
place his success had been agnal, but there even Faction itself refosed to
aid him ; even Faction !^from which he had ^ver before derived the
most prompt and effectual assistance.
But, although it was impossible to raise an actual storm, was it
equally impose^le to shake their dense gravity ?
Valentine put this great question to himself, and conceiving it to be a
point which might as well be ascertuned, he resolved at once to bring
them to the test.
There were several members of the House of Commons at the bar.
They had been running in and out continually, in order to hear what
v^as going forward, but at that particular time there were about a
dozen present, when Valentine, assuming the voice of the Deputy Ser-
geant, cried, '' My lords ! 4i message Som the House of Commons T
The Lord Chancellor left the Woolsack, as a matter of course ; and,
vdth characteristic dignity, approached the bar, vnth the man in the
bob-wiff bdiind him. He thought it stranee, very strange, that
he shoiud have been troubled agam, but he thought it stranger still,
when, on reaching the bar, he found that the members of the Commons
had no message to deliver*
^' It is a mistake, my lord,'' said the Deputy Sergeant, who had been
startled by what appeiued to be the sound of his own voice. ^ It must
have been one of the strangers.''
^' Let the strangers withdraw," said the Lord High Chancellor, which
settled the business at once, for the strangers were accordingly ordered
to withdraw; and as Valentine happened to be one of the strangers,
of course he withdrew with the rest.
CHAPTER XLVIII.
RETUBNB TO WALTBE AND HIS AMIABLE FAMILY, V7H0SB POSITION
BECOMES QUITE ALABMXNG.
^' What is that, Ghvemor ? what have you got there ?'' demanded
Horace, as he perceived the bright countenance of his honoured father
fall, while perusing a remarkably legal-looking letter, which had just
been delivered by a legal-looking clerk. '*A six-and-eightpenny
touch r
Walter made no reply. His heart was fiiU, and he sighed, as he
handed the letter to Horace.
" Of course," said Horace, with elevated brows, having made him-
self master of the contents. ^' I don't know what you may think of it
Governor^ but to me it appears to be very much like the beginning ^
the end !"
'* I knew," said Walter, ^' by my dream last night"
YALENTIMB TOX. 395
^^Oh, blUter your dreams! your dieams have done it all. We
ehonld not have been placed in this blessed podtion, bnt for your pre-
dons hypochondriacal dreams. I knew how it would be, the very mo-
ment you took to dreaming. I saw the whole business, and told you
ail about it, directly I perceived that you were pbantomised like a fool.
So you can't blame me. You would have your own way. Yon would
be guided by your own morbid nob, and what's the consequence?
Why, afifcer havine lived in a state of spectralisation, frizded up to
cinder, and reduced to helpless wretchedness, here you are, rith palsied
nerves and a shattered constitudon, without twopence in tlie world to
call your own ! Had you listened to reason ; had you taken my advice ;
had you kept the thing dark, or even, after you had throvm a light upon
it, had you sent the old man to another den in another name, which
you ought to have done"
*' It matters not," said Walter, ^^ what ought to have been done : the
question is, what's to be done now V*
^* Well, what's to be done now ? / may just as well sneeze as say a
word upon the subject. What is it you mean to do ? What do you
propose?"
^^ I don't really see how I can help myself."
"Don't you?"
" The property must be given up !*
*' Governor ! Oh ! but it's just like you. Do you want to descend
into the region of rags ? Do you want to see mother and yourself in
the workhouse, and Poll and me bawling duetts in the street ? Because
if you do, you'll do that."
** Why, what else can I do ?"
" What else can you do ! Start off to America, Van Diemen's Land,
Nova Scotia, or any other place upon earth, and take all you have
with you."
" Of what use would it be to me in dther of those places ?'*
** Can you not turn it into money ?"
*' Not a quarter of it, unless I commit foigery."
" Well i what is forgery compared with starvation 7 But without
that ^tum into cash all you can, and let's start. They can't stop us -
they can't do a single thing with us in less than two months."
" But the letter says, tlutt all must be delivered up immediately !"
"I know it: what of that? You will not ^ve it up, and what
then ? They bring their action : you will defend it, and let it go to
trial. Why, before it can be tried, we can be ten thousand miles SS^ as
jolly as possible."
" I wUl not leave my country," said Walter.
" You will not leave your country ! Well, that is a start ! Why,
what need you care for your country ? Do you imagine that your
country cares about you. I mean to say, that it's a very uncom-
fortable country to live in, without either money or Mends. You'll
not leave your country !"
" Besides, Horace, I feel that I cannot be so great a villain."
" That's another go ! Thus, little villains are the greatest, because
396 UFE AXU ADTBHTUIIBS OF
9
they ue viUaiiiB to themadTea. No man ahonld oommenoe a career of
viUany, witkoot being pcepaied to go tluaogh with it ; ahonld he halt,
he and hia fiunily moat anffn. I know yon luvra no wiflh t# bci 'a
TiUain, nor hare I ; but then yon aeo^ if oiioninatBBoea pteaoribe attta'
of YiOany in apite of onndvea, what rv we to do ? Jvat look at the
thing aa it atttida. We mnat either be TiIkiBfl^ and live in ft Myle of
comfort, or honeat men and atarrn^ Theae ia no nuddloooaiae.''
'* Yea, Horace, there i. a middle oonraa, and that oonrae mnat be
pnraoed* Eziating ciicaaiatanoea, yon mnat remenber, hhre been
created by onraelYea, and can, therefore, afford na no jnatifieation. The
property must be ffiven up !"
*^ Yon have made np your mind 1 hope to be forgiven for calling it
a mind ^bnt auch aa it is, yon hnve made it np to that ?"
*' Horace I ^Do yon know whom you are apeaking to V
^ Yea r replied Horace, with an expreaaion of bittemeaa *^ I am
apeaking to one who confined hia only brother in a Innatic- aaylnm to
gain po ooooo ion of his property, and who ia now about to rednce hiniadf
and family to beggary, becanae he haa not the convage to retaiii it."
Walter abed tears, and if , to a man who will do that of which he
cannot bear to be told, a word even from a straneer be sufficiently gall*
ing, what must have been the feelinsa of this other, oo being thus
reminded by hia son that he was a villain !
^' It were folly/' resumed Horace, *^ to mince the matter now. You
have gone too for to retreat, without involving oa all in min. I would
not have said what I have aaid, (Governor, but that I am anxious to
bring you to a aenee uf your poation. You reatore thia property.
Weil ! what will be the consequence ? Rags. What riiaD we have to
live upon ? Nothing. You have given up your berth, from which vre
derived the only, means we had of keeping body and aonl at all peace-
ably together, while there isn't a single creotnie in the world from
whom we have any right to claim assistance. As to friends ! they
are all very well, and very pleasant^ when you are rich, but a man has
no friends when he is poor. They are too wide awake : although Uind
before to his vices and crimes, tiieir eyes become marvellomuy open.
Independently, therefore, of being beggars, we shall have for this
affair is quite sure to be known-*we ahaJl have the pleasing conscious-
ness of being regarded aa scoundrels and thievea by the world eo com-
pletely and so suddenly does poverty diange a good f^ow into an
unrivalled, unsightly rogue. Look ai the thug in this light, Ghyvemor,
and then you'll perceive what madness it would be to give up aD vritb
the view of satisfjring that time-aerving hypocrite, conscience."
^ But do you think," said Walter **' do you reolly think my brother
would ever allow us to starve V
*'*' Why, what else,'' returned Horace, ^* have we the smallest con-
ceivable right to expect ? Can you expect aflfection from him now f ot
do you suppose that be can be deluded into the belief that he oi^t to
be gratefol to us for having delivered him from the aaylnm ? But even
supposing that he would not allow us to starve ^that ia, supposing he
wouldn't mind giving us a pound, if he saw us all shivering on starva-
VALENTINE VOX. 397
tion*8 brink what if he were saddenly to dieand I don,'t.tlunk he's
got a great deal of life in him^ which makes me so mad, for ii^ leas than
a month we should hAve had to pnt on mourning, when all would h^ye
been secured-; but what, I si^, if he were to die,, where, should we be
then ? Do you think' it iEit till fikelj that he has avowed, his old .will to
remain as it was ? Is it likely at aU that hell leav^ us. a shilling ?"
** We cannot know what he may do."
*' But is it l^ely 7 tt iisn't as if he were now well affected towai^
us. See how l-^even / am treated when I caD, as I have done twjoe
a-day ever since, and that with all the regularity of the dock. He'll
ndt see me. He's ' much the same, thank you,'' but never to be sei^n*
If I could only get at him, to tell him /how affectionately anxious X
have been on his account, and how dreadfully delighted I should be, to
see him perfectly restored, I should make something' of him ; but as it
is, I may just as well get up that chimney, and smother myself, in soot
twice a-day, as go there. I * meet with no sort of politeness, no cere-
mony, not a bit. They answer me at once, without quitting the door.
I did make the old woman go up this morning, but even then Mr.
Goodman could not be seen : he felt obliged by my calling so frequently,
but would feel mote obliged if I wouldn't call at all. So you see, we
are bound, in strict justice to ourselves, to take care of ourselves^ He'U
not leave us anything. It isn't to be expected."
I think he will,*^ said Walter" I slill think he will. Knowing
him so well as I do, I cannot believe that he will allow us to become
utterly destitute."
" However a man can thus struggle to deceive himself," said Horace,
is to me a perfect mystery. There isn't a shade of probability about
it. And if even there were, what madness it would be to run the
risk ! Look at it in this point of view. Of course, you will admit
that he $nay not leave us anything, and if he should not, what then
can we do?"
Horace paused, for he felt that he had made a deep impression ; but
Walter, whom conscience had tortured so remorselessly, would not be
convinced. He had proved the benevolence of his brother's disposition :
he knew well the goodness of his heart ; and although he was unable,
for an instant, to disguise from himself the fact of his having injured
him deeply and most unnaturally, he still felt persuaded that tne injury
would bo forgiven, and hence eventually said, '* I will trust him."
" You vriU ?" cried Horace, starting up in a rage^" I am to under-
stand this to be your fixed determination : You are determined, quite
determined to pursue this course ?"
" I am," teid Walter, firmly.
" Very well ; very well ! I now know how to act. It is high time
now for me to look to myself. I'll nothe ruined by you ! Ill not be
dragged down to the lowest pitch of penury. Ill have some of those
papets."
*' You shall not!" cried Walter.
"But I will r
" I tell you nbt one shall be touched T
898 LIFB AND ADYENTUBB8 OF
'' And I tell jfott 111 have tbem !"
^' Why, von insolent scoundrel ! ^what do yon mean, air ? -what do
you mean ?
** That all the papers that can be conyerted into mcmey 111 have 1"
*' You shall not have one of them, sir !"
** Who will prevent me ?"
*^ 1 wiU ! Attempt even to touch them, and 111 knock you down,
rascal !'* cried Walter, who, aa Horace smiled contemptuously, roee in an
instant.
'* Now, keep off," cried Horace ; ^' you had better not oome near me 1
I don't want to hurt you ! Keep off l*"
Regardless of this warning, Walter rushed at him wildly, when Ho-
race caught his arms, and, naving pinioned them, threw him at once
upon the sofift.
** What, in the name of goodness, is the matter!" cried Walter^s wife,
who rushed into the room at this moment *' what is it ? ^what's the
meaning of it ? what's it all about V*
" Why, this old cripple "
*'How dare you," mtemipted Mrs. Walter '^how dare you call
your father an old cripple, sir f are you not ashamed of yoursdf ? Let
him get up, sir, this moment !"
** Oh, he may get up ! but I'm not, you know, going to be pom-
meUed !"
** But what is the cause of it ? What does it all mean ?"
** Why," said Horace, '* the meaning of it all is simply this : he has
taken it mto his head to reduce us to beggary, and, because I won't
have it, he must try to knock me down."
" But how ? By what means V
** Why, by stripping us naked of everything we haye^ that he may
send all back to his brother !"
*' Well, but surely you can talk this unfortunate matter over without
fighting ! Come, my dear, draw to the table, and let us see what can
be done."
** I will not be thus treated," cried Walter, ** by my own flesh and
blood. I will not be insulted by that villain T
" He who taught me to be a villain "
'* Horace, Horace 1" exclaimed Mrs. Walter, ^^ recollect yourself sirr
'' Well, why can't he be easy ? I don't want to quarxeL I'd
rather go and have a roll in the mud, ten to one; but it's a hard
thing-?'
*' Well, well, your finther didn't mean it, I know. Come, let us talk
the matter over calmly. What is it, my dear, you mean to do ? Have
you made up your mmd to restore all to your brother T'
** I have."
** Well then, now, my dear, let us consider how shocking that will be.
In the first place, how are we to live ? '*
** Of course ! ^that's the way to put it."
** Be silent, Horace: let us be quite calm and cool, for the thiiu; now
begins to assume a serious aspect. If^ I ask, this property or your
, y, ..,./,. /,^.. /../..;^
*'
f
YALSNTINB VOX. 399
brother be restored to him, how that being now onx only means of
support ^how are we to live V*
** We must do the best we can/' replied Walter.
** Do the best we can ! Yes, dear, but what can we do ? You
have no profession : Horace has no profession ; and, therefore, I reallj
cannot see how on earth we shall be able to manage !"
*' Then you also think that he would do nothing for us ?"
i Why, my dear, place yourself in the same position : what would
you do under similar circumstances V*
'^ But he's a different man to me altogether. What I would do,
therefore, can afford no criterion."
^' But, granting that he is a different man, what grounds have we for
believing that he will not discard us ? We have no grounds for any
such beuef . On the contrary, since his liberation he has given us every
reason to believe that he will. He may be and doubtless is of a gener-
ous and forgiving disposition ; but you see, my dear, the question is,
will he unckr the circumstances feel himaeU justified in doing anything
for us ? If he should not. Heaven only knows what will become of us,
or how we shall manage to exist."
^ Depend upon it he will never allow us to starve !**
*^ No, dear, perhaps not ; but how dreadful will be our sufferings be-
fore we reach the pomt of starvation V^
'' Besides," said Horace, '^ if I may speak hell be dead in about a
fortnight ; and therefore as we have it, we may as well keep it as not.
What I look at most is, that that fellow that Valentine should be
enriched by our folly ; for, of course, he'll have it aU, there's no doubt
about that, and therefore nothing can be clearer than that by giving it
up to the old man we in reality give it up to him."
^^ Exactly,' said Mrs. Walter, ** and, as I have said again and again,
it will indeed be a shocking thing if, after having tried all these years to
secure it, it should be left to a person who has done nothing for it, and
who has therefore no right to it whatever."
^' But how do we know that he will die so soon ? how can we
teU?"
** Very true, dear ; we cannot exactly tell ; but then it appears that
the chances are in our favour."
*^ And do you think that he*d die and leave us nothing ?"
'* Why, he might not, my dear ; but if he ehould ? What in the name
of goodness should we be able to do then? There should we be
starving, I know we should starve, for we cannot work like those who
have been used to it all their lives, ^there I say we should be starving,
while others who have no earthly right to it are living luxuriously upon
that which we clearly ought to have. Why, my dear, it would be
terrible ! For goodness 9ce look again at the matter before you decide."
** Then you too would have me continue to be a villain V*
**' Nay, my dear, that is a most unkind word ; and equally unkind is
it of you to suppose that I wish you to be anything of the sort.
Heaven knows I am sorry as indeea we must all be truly sorry that
you were induced to go so fitf ; but as it is, I look solely at the cironm*
\
400 TALENTIXB TOX.
tUDCes %diidi st pment exist, and I feally, m j dear, cannot aee how,
under those dreninfltanopw, yoa can act as yon propose without reducing
US to abeolate wretchedness."
'I wish that I was dead !" exdumed Walter, ''I heartily wish that
I wasdeadr
*' Nay, that is mere folly ."
*' Jnst like Imn/' said Horace: **he never could erapple with a diffi-
eolty in order to sormonnt it. The reiy moment it appears he must
wish himself dead."
** Well, Dvell ; wishing that will not at all mend the matter ; nor shall
we do much good hy dwelling upon the point. The question is, will
H be better under the present unhappy drcumstanoes to retain what
we have at all haxards, or by giving it up at once to run the risk of in-
Tolring ourselves in utter ruin ? For my part although I i^ould be
but too happy to advise the immediate restoration of all if it were pos-
sible to do it with safety to oursdves I do not perceive how it can be
done now without the result as fiu* aa we are concerned being dreadful.
We are placed you see, my dear, in so peculiar a position. I would go
myself at once to your brother; but then what could I say? I could
notaak him to compromise the matter. I could not say to him ^ Indeed
we are truly sorry for what has occurred, and will restore all that be-
longs to you if yo\i will kindly undertake to aUow us so much a-ycar !'
nor can I aok what he intends to do for us when we have made an
unconditional surrender. I might indeed say * I do hope that you will
oonmder our unfortunate position : 1 trust that our destitute circum-
stnoes will induce you to save us from absolute want / but although I
might say this and dwdl with great feeling upon each point, the very
moment he alluded to the cause of my appeu I should be dumb, so th^
yon see, my dear, we cannot act in this case as we might in any other.
We must of necessity take one of two courses, that is to say, we must
either retain what we have, and defend the possession in the best way we
can, or give up all, and be thereby reduced to destitution.*
^ I tdl you,'* died Walter, ''that it isn't at all likely that we shaD
be thus reduced."
''But, my dear! what security have we against it? We have
none. We can have none. It is a terrible risk, and one which ought
not on any account to be incurred. Now, if I miglit advise I should say,
dear, convert all you can into money at once, restore all that is not avail-
able, and retire to some distant part of the country. We could assume
another name, and I am sure that we should live very happily : at all
events, we should not have starvation before our eyes, which is really
very shocking, dear, when you come to think of it ! However, 1 will
not tease you any more now ; we will leave you to yourself, and I do
hope and trust indeed I feel quite convinced that when you have
thought the matter over again, you will see how really absolute the
necessity is for reversing your expressed determination."
Even when he feels most sincerefy anxious to do so, how exceedingly
difficult is it for a man who has quitted the path of honesty to return !
likeft liar, whom the first falsehood prompts with a show of necessity
VALENTINE VOX. 401
to He oiif he oreaies, by the^r#^ crime, circumstances which urge him to
proceed in his criminal career. Walter, base as he had been, was most
anxious to make all the reparation in his power. He would have
given up all and trusted solely to his brother s senerosity, but the ciicum-
stances which his crime had created induced him to pause.
CHAPTER XLIX.
CtOODMAN HOLDS A CONSULTATION WITH HIS FRIENDS, AT WHICH tTNCLB
JOHN FINDS HIS JUDGMENT FETTERED.
While "Walter was brooding over the prominent points of the inter-
esting conversation detailed in the preceding chapter, with the view of
conceiving, if possible, some medium course, the pursuit of which,
while it in some degree satisfied his conscience, might meet at least half-
way the views of his amiable family, his deeply injured brother was
engaged with Valentine, Uncle John, and Whitely, in a discussion
which had reference to the propriety of framing a fresh will. Goodman
felt the hand of death upon him. It did not press painfully, nor with
sufficient weight to justify the apprehension of an immediate dissolu-
tion ; but his frame had been so shattered, his constitution so under-
mined by the brutal treatment he had experienced, that be had become
quite convinced, that although human skill might enable him to linger
on for weeks or even months, that hand would never more be removed
till it had crushed him. This rendered his spirit quite calm. Every
harsh, every irritable feeling was subdued. He held it to be peculiarly the
time for the forgiveness of ii^uries, and hence his benevolenee reigned
in the ascendant. Thus actuated, he could not deal justice to W^ter.
He felt that it did not, in fact, come then within his province to do
so: nor did he desire to leave him to his own conscience, as it Is
termed, seeing that that would be in effect to desire that he might by
his conscience be tortured. He was anxious to express his forgiveness
to make it manifest that he believed him to have been actuated, not
by any innate vileness, but by some evil influence, over which he
might not at the moment have had entire control. He did all he pos-
sibly could to invent excuses for him, with the view of establishing a
show of justification ; but as this was an object he was utterly unable
to accomplish, he b^n to look not at what Walter had been, but at
what he misht become. He conceived that his repentance miglit be
sincere, that he might henceforth be virtuous, and that therefore he who
had the power to save him from those temptations to dishonour, with
which a state of utter destitution teems, would not perform his duty
as a Christian, if he permitted the exercise of that power to be with-
held.
It was while in this charitable frame of mind that poor Goodman
solicited the advice of his friends, more with the view, as is custo-
mary with those who seek advice, of having the satisfaction of inducing
3 p
^y^ LITE AXD ADTEXTTKEB OF
ihem in think a? he th**nchu tliao f4 artini; upon tfadr 8iigge8tioo&
He odM ii.4 bat fed tk^t tb^^y woaM ai 6i^ beindiDcd tobehanh
thai th-r wncM r?pi*.l^tf the hlea of hi* pnrsiuDS the ooune he had
proposed, aid hence ^ hi he en^iired if thej did not think that he
maa kjG::d to let \tU viU remain salstantiallr as it waa. he was not at
all surpri-sed at th-ir iD:?tant replj btir.?, **CertainlT not !"
** What !"" exclaimed Whiteir^ * w^lild too reward the wntdi, who
soa^t to rh t.-u by moans o unnatoiaL with wealth ? WonU jon
pre Aim the p-wer f lirin^ in hixnry^ who depnTcd tou not only of
liberty bat cf b^hh. the greatest b!e^n^ i*f lile^ Reflect upon what
yon hare efil3re], npn the dreadfdl p5itioo in wUdi yxm were
placed ap-^n tlie n:onstnii3 bnxtaiity to which yon hftTe been snb-
jected and up* n the result of that bratality, even np to tlie present
tirae. Who indaced all this? Wliy he whoae nnnatmal malignity
and fordid aTarice yon now wish to !!Tatify, by lenrii^ him nil tiiat yon
potgscs?!"
^ Whaterer he may hare been,* obserred Goodman, however
wrooi; he mav have acted, I cannot fors^ei that he is mv btother."
^ or oaght yon to fur;p?t it. for that increases his gnilt a tbonmnd-
fold. Yoa OQ^ht to rrrud him as a brothet; wbo Tiulated ereiy fed-
in^ by which he ought to hare been actuated with the riew of injniing
yoa. and who thereby sacri6ced aD Haim upon yonr aflcctiuiia . In a
case of this description ^the admirable precept whicfa nrges ns to retnm
good for evil may in practice be carried too &r. Yon, for instanoe,
would set a most pemicions example, inaannch as yon wtvnld show
that, however infamous may be the oondoct of a man, howeTer fool and
nnnatoial may be his deigns, he may pracciw his inbmies with im-
panity apon a brother if thjit brother poseesB a benerolent heait. Were
he a brother of mine I would discard him ntteily : if I d not I sfaonM
eon?nder that I had failed in performing mv dn^ to ama e iy as n man."
**' But what if I were to discard him?" said Goodman. ^ What
woald become of his fiunily? Onght the innoccot to sofler for the
gnilty r
** Yon cannot tell that ther are hmocent. His fomilr mar be m
gnilty a? himself, and in this case the probability is thai ther are. Bnt
e'iffn SQpjiogng that they are not, what woold become of jnstaoe if men
were not to be pimished for crimes, lest the punishment should be fek
by those with whom they are connected ? If, having no proof of their
jTiflt, you could punish him without involving them, yon wtvnld he
b^fund, of course, to do so ; but as this is imder the circnmstaDoes ini-
pf/vdhU^ justice demands that 3ron should act as if they wre mot earn-
cwmed.'*
** But would not thai object be to some extent attaiBsd,** mgg t Mud
Valentine, '*if, instead of the property beii^ left to Wahn, it were se-
f:nrd to his wife, and the wife of Horace ?*
"* It might," returned Whitelj, *' it m%ht thus be attaiiwd; bt it
'svnld be so only in tlie event of the women being uniutlilnL If tbey
cMttmne to be virtuous, it will be of dight importance, it wiB
nt whether it be left to him or them ; it is only in the evcal of
VALENTINE VOX. 403
being wicked that he can suffer from such an arrangement ; and con-
sidering how frequently women, whose principles of virtue are not fixed,
feel the &ct of their being, in a pecuniary point of view, independent of
their husbands, to be an additional spur to an indulgence in vicious
practices, I never should, in any case, feel myself justified in advising
such an arrangement to be made. No ; rather let the property go to
him and leave his punishment to Heaven, than secure it so as to ope-
rate thus as an additional incentive to vice."
^^ But do you not think," said Goodman, " that he has been punished
sufficiently tdready ?"
" Certainly not," replied Whitely. " He ought to be hanged. I
am not vindictive ; I hope I am not cruel ; but a man like that. Sir, de-
serves to be burnt alive."
^^ He has endured a far greater amount of torture," rejoined Good-
man, *^ than was ever yet endured at the stake. He has been burnt
alive ! He has been burnt until reduced to a state of insensibility, and
then, when death could have given him no additional pang, he has
been compelled to suffer those exquisite agonies which must necessarily
have accompanied his gradual restoration. And this I attribute en-
tirely to the fact of his having so deeply injured me ; for his mind was
in consequence so diseased at the time that he fancied he saw me in the
room. I therefore cannot even looking at him only feel myself
justified in inflicting upon him the additional punishment of utter des-
titution, and when I look at those who must be involved in his ruin,
and who may have been innocent even of the knowledge of his offence
until the last, I still think that I cannot, consistently with my duty as
a Christian, do aught else than that which I propose. But what is
your opinion, my friend?" he continued, addressing Uncle John.
^' You have been silent ! Do you think that I shall be justified in
reducing my brother and his family to abject wretchedness and want ?
Is it not your impression that he has been sufficiently punished ?"
" Why," said Uncle John, " you see I am placed in a peculiar posi-
tion. I promised your brother that I would strive to allay whatever
ill-feeling recent circumstances might have engendered: I promised
this on condition that he would liberate you at once from the Asylum.
It was a sort of contract between us : but now ihat he has performed
his part, I find it exceedingly difficult to perform mine. I had much
rather, therefore, that this afiair should be settled v^thout me, for
while I cannot conscientiously say any thing in favour of the man, I am
bound by my promise to say nothing iigainst him, and even then I am
not quite sure Uiat I shall have done m reality all that my promise con-
vey^."
^^ Why," said Goodman, '' You promised nothing more than that
you would strive to allay any ill-feeling that might have been engen-
dered : and, most certainly, whatever iU-feeling might have existed has
already been allayed. AU the difficulty is, therefore, at an end : as I
have no iU-feeling whatever towards hiin now, you can have no ill-
feeling to repress : so that all you have to do is to avoid saying any-
444 LITK A2n API P T IK B OP
calcojxted lo excite ai ffl-fefiling, aad jmi w9 Inve
jmir f rofbiae fiiUifaHy.'*
** If T prjinirs awTered more thsB tfa^" wid Uncle Job. * I
don't at this mocDein lecoCcct what 1 wialied lini lo wmdtaiamd ; Wi I
am saxe tbal it eooreved mofe liiaB that. 1 am Boi qmte
I did Bot mean boc oiilj that I would do wlni I eonld to
feelings bat that I vookl do all I eoold to cflect ai
ciludoo. I sh yold like to be dear iipoa that pont : I Jwld fike ta
know what he imagined I mcaat ai the tane."
**' But, mj frien^** aid Goodmao, **' that has BOtlua|r to dB witfi
jooj opinion on the point now at iasoe."
** Whr, it may not haie aarthing to do with it^ ootainlj; Imt, at
present, I am inclined to believe that it has; ^'^^'ti, yam. flse, if I
cxpres an opinion to the cfiect that he has been thetdy waAekealij
pimiahed, I maj perhaps he expresBing an opinioB which I do not ea-
scieotiooslf entertain, while, on the other faaad, by slating it to be my
opinion that he has not, I niay be acting m opposition to Ihn spiiit of
a oontiact which, no matter with whom it mmy have been mnde^ ^vg^fc
of coarse to be strictly aditered to.**
^ Well ! 1 certainly shoofcl like to ImTe yonr opinian vpon Um adb-
jcct before I decide; beeanae 1 riint bnt fed liiat it mny, and donbt-
lem will be, tJie last important aci of my fife. Howwci; as yon dnnol
at piesent feel jnslified in staling what yonr teal opinion m, my dednon
had better be defierred.'*
"^ Yes : that wiU be mndi the better wny," said Unds Jolm, wko
had really no desiie to giTe an op ini o n npon the point; for ahhongh he
lelt couTinoed that in rodity Walter did not deserre the sfightsst cen-
sidcration, he ooald not satisfy himself that if he stated th^ bs bntf
his oonriction, he shoold be doing under the dienmstinrfn thai which
was right.
Tlie matter was therefore left open, and Goodman was hk[hly pleased
to find that his friend had giTen that promise to Walter, mx he feand
thai some powerful augument miglit be addneed to pBOve that, after
what had happened, he ought not to leaie the will as it was, in fiiTonr
of him by whom he had been injured so unnaturally and so deeply.
As far as forgiveness went, he forgave him from his heart. The on^
point upon which he was anxious to be satis6ed, was the justice of ths
course lie proposed to pursue. And yet again he oonoeiTed that
although if the thing were made public it might perhaps be deemed a
bad example in a private caee like this he could not do mneh wrong
in doing that which his beneTolent feelings suggested. Besides he fcli
that, even if he were justified in taking the administration of justice in
this particular case into his own hands, it was not a time at whidi he
ought to administer it harshly, and harslily he could not hdp fediag
it would be administered, if he deprived not only Walter, but his fenn*
ly, of all they had to depend upon in the world. He knew thai they
had no other means of existence ; he knew, that if he left them p ^
less, they must either starve or phioge into the vortex of infemy ;
TAixmnm tox. 405
knowiDff tliisy he cduld not reconcile tlie act of driving them into
temptation, with his duty either as a Christian or as a man. He there-
fore eventnallj resolved not to renew the painful subject. He Itad an-
thoriased the recovery of the property, and that authority there was no
sufficient reason to withdraw ; but he hoped that no act on the part of
Walter ^that no argument of Unde John or Whitely ^that nothing, in
shorty might occur to induce him to alter the will.
CHAPTER L.
EXPLAINS THB POSBILITY OF MAKING A MAN DIG AN BXTRAORDIKART
HOLE*
As Valentine had not seen Louise for five days as he had called five
times and left his card witliout finding her ^^ at home," and as he had
received from her no communication whatever he began to think tliat
Unde John was right ! that he really had suffered his spirit of inde-
pendence to carry him a little too far.
And yet, what had he done ? It is true he absented himself for two
entire days ; but then he was calm, quite calm, while she was burstiw
with passion^ He did not retaliate ; he simply said, '^ Well, I will go, if
you wish it f He had said nothing more, and yet, never since then
bad he been able to see her ! He did think that this was not strictly
correct. He was not at all satisfied with it : he felt that he had been
somewhat ill used ! For what could she expect ? Could she expect
him to submit to every species of indignity ? Could she expect that
he would ever suffer himsdf to be her slave ? He loved her, fondly
loved her, and she knew it ; but never would he consent to become the
puppet of her caprice. No, he would call once more but once !
and if she was denied to him, the course which manliness suggested
was dear, and he made up his mind to pursue it. He would not sur^
render bis spirit as a man ! nor would Louise yield her spirit as a wo-
man ! They were playing the same game : they had both the same
object in view, and they were now equally sure of achieving that ob-
ject, for although Louise had theretofore felt herself somewhat over-
matched, she had a weapon now in store for biro, in the shape of a
Welshman, whom she meant to use so as to enable her to obtain a sig-
nal triumph !
In the warm hearts of lovers whose affections are fixed, and who are
really so attached to each other that they seem to be scarcely able to
exist but in each other's society, there must be some beauti^l feeling
in operation while they strive to make it appear that they are perfectly
free. The general motive may perhaps be highly laudable ; but vrith
the ladies it is sometimes inscrutable, seeing thai they will labour to
make men believe that it would be a matter of very slight importance
indeed, if they weie to do that which, if done, would snap ihsai dear
4M
This cooiae k, perbaps in maojr instaaee^ panaed villi tbe
of testing tbe saength of man's affection ; bni tins wsb not the
object of IjiKuse : she wiabed to obtain the magterj to be^B wi^ ;
and ahe plajed a toj dangerous game ; for while ValcBtiBe's lofve
of too manljT a caste to be inacceaable to leaeon, be had not had
cient experience in these delicate mattfr^ to know how to make ladies
when they are eocqnered belieme that they are icaflj Tici(anoii& It
was unfortunate, perhaps, that he did iMi Imow thk; fani that be did
not is nererthekss a faicu He was nnich too serions about the matter.
When he called for the last time, in the erent of I muiae beii^ denied to
kim, he seriously meant it to be for the last time : he would moi bare
called again without a special inritation ! It may tberefove be held to
be on all hands fortunate that when he called Loinae was at home.
This he had scarcely expected ; bat Looise expected bim, and had
laid her j^ans accordingly : she had directed him to be shown into the
break&st-room, which oreriooked the garden, and the moment he
entered this room, he saw her kaning upon the am of s tall yoong
iellow, with whom &fae appeared to be on the most alfecdoaale
terms!
Valentine lookedof coorse he looked ! and his aspect was
8he gazed at the feUow, and smiled, and chatted gaity, and
particularly plajrfnl ! Valentine polled a piece dean oot of his gloT&
Who was it? What right had be there? He couldn't tdl: be eovkl
only guess! He iiaisd the room, and knH his Wows, and pnaed his
lip4iy and breathed hard through his nostrils, and thrust his hands
Urmly to the Tery bottom of bis pockets. Tlioe they wcte ! oh, yes,
there they were ! there could scarcely be two sound opinkns about it!
He had a great mind to go to them : he had a great mind to ascertain
at once what it meant. And yet ^Wdl! why did she not oome?
He rang the bell ^with Tidence he rai^ it ! he was not in s sweet
temper at the time. ^ Does Miss Raren know that I am here T' he
enqutred of the serrani, as he entered.
** Beg pardon. Sir ; quite foigot to tdl her. Six : dear mc^ beg
pardrm.
** Why, you thick-headed fool !" excbimed Va]entin&--nd it oer-
tAinly was a very hanh exclamation ^but befve he could get any
farther the servant ^who only acted up to his instructions ^bsd van-
ished from the room.
^ Now,'* ilionght Valentine, ^ 1 shall see how the heartless coquette
win conduct herself^ when she is told that I am here."
He stood finnly in the middle of the room, and kept his eye stead-
fastly upon her. The servant entered the garden : he addreased her;
and retired. 8lie turned, she did not withdraw her arm : she did not
even tremble! She smiled, and looked up at the mortal, and said
eomething to him, and then instead of leaving him there, led him |^y-
fully into the house.
Valentine now took hb seat upon the sofii, and tried to look as cahn
and collected as possible. They entered the room, and she abaolntdy
introduced the long wretch to him as Mr. Llewdlen.
VALENTINE VOX. 407
Valentine looked at him ! he was too big to eat but he was not
too big to be annihilated !
" Are you not well ?*' said Louise.
" I am not," replied Valentine.
"What is the matter?"
" Nothing of importance, I shall be able no doubt to survive it. Oh
I shall mrvive it !"
" Inteet, then look you, these pleak wints plow nopotty coot," ob-
served Mr. Llewellen.
Valentine's tougue itched to mimic the mortal ; but, although he felt
that it was perfectly impossible to treat him vnih anything like com-
mon civility, he thought that it might perhaps be better not to insult
him in any direct manner, then. lie therefore bowed very distantly,
and looked rather contemptuously at Mr. Llewellen, and then turned
abruptly towards the window, at which Louise was engaged in
making an effort to suppress a hearty laugh. He knew neither what
to say nor how to act. He could not speak before that fellow Llew-
ellen, and as to speaking to him ! he would not deign to do it. A
pause therefore ensued a long paiise during which both gentlemen
looked particularly stupid, while Louise did not dare to turn ner head.
At length, however, Llewellen who had been no more fascinated by
Valentine than Valentine had been fascinated by him happened to
think, strangely enough) that he really was not wanted, and no sooner
had he conceived this extraordinary idea, than inspired with the spirit
of independence he stalked from the room.
This, of course, was precisely what Valentine wanted. The absence
of that taU wretch for as a wretch he most uncharitably looked upon
him then was a thing which he had strongly desired ; and yet he did
not take immediate advantage of his absence. He wanted Louise to
speak first, and she would not speak first. She still kept at the win-
dow, and appeared to be lost in admiration of Llewellen, who was then
busily occupied in pulling up the weeds. The very moment, however,
Valentine perceived that Llewellen was again in the garden, he felt
himself bound to break silence. " I have to apologise, said he, vnth
a bitterness both of emphasis and of aspect, "for having disturbed
you. Had I known that you had been thus affectionately engaged, I
should certainly not have intruded."
" Why, what do you mean V
" You know what I mean. Who is that fellow ^that creature
that Llewellen ?"
" LleweUen 1 oh, he is a very old friend."
'' Indeed !"
" Oh yes, I have known him from infancy. We were play-fellows
together."
" And are j^to^^-fellows still, I perceive !"
" Why, we cannot forget the very many happy hours we spent to-
gether in childhood. Besides, he is such an affectionate creature, and
80 fond of me 1"
408 LIFB AND ADTBNTURES OP
** I haye not the slighteflt doabt of it; and 700 appear to be equally
fond of him/'
" Why, you surely are not jealous V
^'Jealous!" echoed Valentine, smiling Tery bitterly. ^* Wliat, 01
him 9 He is a nice compactly built, intellectual looking aninial for
a man to be jealous of, o^tainly !"
** Why, what is the matter with him ? Really, I cannot see much
to complain ol He is taller than you and much stouter, and I am
sure that he possesses a good kind heart."
*' In your eyes. Miss Raven, he is perfection, no doubt. But look
you, pless you, tlie pleak wint b plowing upon his potty. It may,
look yon, too him no coot. Inteet, his pTut may pe chilt : it may set
ftst his pones !"
^ You are satirical/' said Louise, ** you always were ; but your satire
has malice in it now, I am afraid. Come, why are you so cross with
him ? What has he done to offend you V
^^ Oh, nothings-nothing," replied Valentine, carelessly.
'* Why will you not be friendly with him then ? you are angry per*
haps, because you saw us walking in the gardm, but surely tl&re was
no harm in that."
^* Oh 1 of course not. There can be no harm in anything Miss Raven
does. There can be no harm in clinging to him as if yon loved
him dearly. There can be no harm in allowing him to play with your
hand, your hair, your chin, or your waist 1*'
" I cannot help his bemg fond of me I"
^ Propriety, Miss Raven, might suggest that you are not exactly bound
to encourage his fondness. But that, of course, is nothing to me. I have
no voice at all in the matter, although I must say, that had you dealt
somewhat more justly, it might perhaps, on all hands have been quite
as welL However, I feel that I am in the way here, now, and shall
therefore at once take my leave/'
** You are a very cross, unkind creature !" said Louise. ^^ I did intend
to press you to dine with us to-day ; but I am not quite sure that I
shall do so now/'
^' I beg that you will not trouble yourself. I would not stay if even
you were to press me. You have some one else ioprea; theteHore my
presence cannot be required."
** Of course, it must be as you please. I have not the slightest in-
fluence over you, I am aware ; but I certainly did hope that we might
have spent a very happy day together, in mutual foigetfuhiesB of aD
that has passed. But I perceive that you are of a most unfoigiving
disposition, and perceiving this, I cannot but observe in my own vindi-
cation, that ytw were the cause of all that transpired at our last inter-
view ^that your neglect urged me to say what I did."
^ Of what passed at our last interview. Miss Raven, 1 have not since
I entered the house even thought."
** Then, why are you so angry ? because I walked and ehatted
lieweilen in the garden ? Do you know who he is ?"
VALENTINE VOX. 40D
*' No : nor do I care."
" If you do not care to know, why I do not care to tell you. But I
think that you would like to know nevertheless, and I tcill tell you
that is, provided you ask me prettily."
'' Miss Raven, you treat me like a child, and as a cliild I will be
played with no longer. I perceive that you are faithless, and unworthy
the love of an honourable man ; I therefore take leave of you for ever."
'^ If you are an honourable man," said Louise, who now became
somewhat alarmed, ^^ if you possess any one of the feelings of a gentle-
man, you will sit down at once in that chair and explain to me clearly
what you mean by those words. To whom have I been faithless?
Why am I unworthy the love of an honourable man ?"
^' You have been faithless to me !" returned Valentine, ^* and I have
this day proved you to be a coquette."
^ I deny it ! " cried Louise, '^ I have been faithless to no one : nor
have I ever been a coquette ! But are you really serious ? Do you
really mean to say that I am a coquette, which, if I were, I should
despise myself because I see no impropriety in chatting with my
cousin ? "
" Is liewellen your cousin ?"
" To be sure he is !"
" Why did you not say so before ?*'
"You said you did not care to know who he was !"
" But why did you not introduce him as your cousin ?"
^ I certainly might have done that," said Louise, instead of answering
the question, " but, come come, for goodness sake don't look so cross,
you surely are satisfied now ?"
The fact of Llewellen being her cousin somewhat softened him, but
he did not feel satisfied exactly. He had heard of ladies' cousins before,
and he knew that it frequently happened that constant communication
with each other engendered feelings which outstripped those of con-
san^inity. He therefore felt that be ought to look sharply after the
Welshman, especially as Louise bad confessed that he was so fond : he
also felt, that although they were cousins, those playful familiarities
which he had noticed ought not to be sanctioned.
" Well," said Louise, after a pause, " you will dine with us now, I
presume V
" I still beg to be excused. My presence may have a tendency to
restrain-perhaps the playfulness of your cousin."
" Oh ! no ; not at all !"
" And if it does not," thought Valentine, " Til work him !"
At this moment Raven played one of his fifteen-barred stuccatoed
knocks at the door, and immediately afterwards marched into the room.
** Ah ! Valentine, mj boy !" he cri^, extending his hand, " why, where
faav^ you been for the last half century ? I tell you what it is you
two," he ontinued, " you conduct yourselves just for all the world as
if you belonged to the aristocracy. Why can't you carry on pleasantly
togeUier ? What's the use of quarzelling, and mumping, and making
yourselves miserable ? I know you*ve been at it again. I don't want
da
410 LIFE AND APTENTURBS OF
to be told ; I saw it the very moment I entered the loom* Now take
mj advice : quarrel no more ; let this be the last, and make it up as
soon as possible. You are not like the heggBoij aristocracy whose
object in matters of this kind is not to secure the affections, but to
over-reach each otlier. But what's become of Fred where is he T
" In the garden," replied Louise.
" Have you not introduced him ?**
** Oh yes ; he has been talking about the wints "pemg pleak."
** He is a droll fellow that ; it would do your heart good to see him
eat/'
** But Valentine will not dine with us to-day," said Louise.
*' Not dine with us ! Why not ? Pooh ! nonsense ; he must ; he
has no other engagement. He is here now, and here he must remun.
There, run away, and see if you can keep from quarrelling. 1 have a
long letter to write. If you want to be amused, join Fred."
Louise at once took the arm of Valentine, and they went into the
garden, where the Welshman was still engaged pulling up weeds.
^ It's poiling hot look you to tay," said Llewellen, as he wiped the
perspiration from his red round frice.
^ Do you find many weeds ?" enquired Valentine, who now thought
it might be as well to be civil.
^ Weets ! my potty ! look you, there's nothing put weets. They
tont at all understant how to pluck them here : they pieak them off
at the pottoms, when they crow acun, pless yon, insteet you see of
tragging them up py the roots."
Valentine at once perceived the force of this remark, and was aUe to
look at Llewellin with comparative pleasure. He was not quite so
ugly as he appeared to be before ; he was tall, but quite straight ; stout,
but symmetricaL The change he had undergone was amaving,
and it may seem extraordinary to some, that although he was a
finely- made, and rather a handsome fellow, Valentine should have
thought him at first the ugliest wretch lie ever bdield; bat they
who know the fedings whidi are generated in the breast of a rival vrill
nnderstand how Llewdkn oould appear a very ill-conditioned mortal
in the eyes of Valentine, when he supposed him to be a lover of Tjonwy-^
ibr as love often blinds na to physical defects, so rivalry in matters of
love often blinds ns to physical beauties. But although lievreUen
looked somewhai better than b^re, Valentine viewed bun still as an
awkward individual, and resolved to reward him in some vray or other
for eveiy affectionate word he dared to utter to Louise.
Louise, on the other band, resolved to reward kimu She had reason
to be satisfied with all that had occurred. She had saeoeeded in making
him jealous, whidi wwb to her, as it is indeed to the ladies in general,
extremely pleasarahle ; and although it had been essential to her ovm
aecarity to let him know that Uewdlen vims her eonsin, she still de-
tenained to tease him by beh^ as afectionate to the Wefahnan as one
kivii^ oooain oonld be to another.
^^Xook yov, honey teat;'* shouted Llewdkn, who was really ^F^oy
J
f
TALENTIMB TOX. 411
industrious fellow, '^ shall hur peny those weets at the pottom of the
carten, or pom 'em V
^^ That I must leave to you/' replied Louise.
Uewellen at onoe pulled off his coat, and chalked out his plans for a
hole.
" Louey tear !" thought Valentine, " Why oould he not have con-
tented himself with ^Louey?' what did he want to add ^tear' for?"
He did not approve of this mode of address; he thought it highly incor-
rect notwithstanding they were cousins ; and although he sud nothing
about it then, he made up bis mind to punish him even for that.
Coolly and tranquilly therefore did he walk, while Llewellen was
digging the hole; and when he fancied that he had got to a 8uGlcient
depth for his purpose, he observed that he had had a tough job.
*' Yesm,'' said Lewellen, who looked very hot, '^the crount is hart,
look you."
^' Now is the time to work him," thought Valentine, who accordingly
threw his voice into the hole, and groandl in the most piteous manner
possible.
Llewellen started. He leaped from the hole in an instant, and
turned with an expression of horror, while Louise dung to Valentine,
who also looked slightly alarmed, with the laudabte view of keeping up
the delusion.
" Tit you not hear !" cried Llewellen in a sharp thrillins whisper,
^ tit you not hear a croan ! Potty of me I phot coot it pe Took you ?
Somepotty perried ? Hark 1 pless you, harkl" he continued, as Valen-
tine sent another groan under ground.
" Good gracious I" cried Louise, '' what on earth can it be ! Had
you not better dig deeper ?"
Llewellen seemed paralysed. He kept his eyes fixed upon the
hole, and imagined ho saw the earth move ; and yet it struck him at the
moment as being impossible for any human being to be there. ^' No-
potty could preathe!" ssud he, after having eyed the ground in eveiy
conceivable way with great intensity of feeling, *^ ant nopotty coot live
without preath !"
Valentine, who saw the inexpediency of allowing the thing to be
reasoned upon, enquired with much earnestness of manner, if he had
ever heard of persons being buried in a trance.
**' Perried in a trance 1" cried Llewellen, qmte struck with the novelty
of the question, ^* inteet hur have ; put then ^no put then never at the
pottoms of cartons !''
** Let me out ! let me out ! oh, do let me out !" cried Valentine,
feigning a half smothered voice, which appeared to proceed from about
two feet below the bottom of the hole.
^^ Hur will, look you V shouted Llewellen, who had then no doubt
about the matter at all, ^* hur will tig till hur fint you V
^' If you do/' thought Valentine, ^^ you will ^ to an extraordinary
depth."
Llewellen now set to work in earnest. He used his spade with sur-
412 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
passing dezteritj. Had he served an appienticeship to the first
metropolitan grave-digger he could not have been more au font to
the work.
^ Can I assist 70U ?*' said Valentine, as a mere matter of politeness.
^' No, look you, the hole b not pig enough for poth."
Nor was it ; it was then but about two feet in diameter, and as
Llcwcllen had got about three feet deep, he could not opiate with any
degree of comfort to himself. Of course Valentine perceived this with
pleasure, and being resolved to keep him at it, continued to exert him-
self so zealously in the cause, that Uewellen soon enlarged his sphere
of action.
*' A little pit longer V he cried, ^* ant yonll then pe rdeast, look
you V
** Oh i" exclaimed Valentine, ^ don't tread so heavily npon me !*
^^ Hur wont, my tear poy ! hur wont tret upon you any more than
hur can help."
'* I cannot bear it I" cried Valentine, " Oh !"
** Put pless you, hur must tret a little to tig ! Phot part am bur
upon you V*
' My back V
^' Your pack !" cned Llewellen, when looking up at Valentine, he
added, '* ho*s perried upon his pelly !"
Ho exceedingly natural was this conclusion, and so long was the coun-
tenance with which it was drawn and declared, that Valentine could
scarcely refrain from laughing. He did, however, by dint of mat ex-
ertion, succeed in preserving that gravity of aspect which the deep and
solemn character of the occasion demanded, and Llewellen again set to
work with all the zseal and rapidity of which he was capable. His first
object now was to cut out a small standing place for himself, that he
might not give pain to the unfortunate person whom he natuially pre-
sumed to be beneath; and as he of course soon accomplished that praise-
wortliy object, he worked away like a sapper, and exhibited the most
benevolent anxiety to avoid digging the spade into any part of the body
of that unfortunate person; liing convinced that if he did so, the
wound he should inflict would be neither slight nor pleasant, and might
be exceedingly difficult to heal, inasmuch as the dirt would be sure to
got in it.
" Now work away V cried Valentine, in his feigned voice, of course;
and Llewellen, who was already working away like a convict, re-
doubled his exertions, as big drops of sweat left his brow to bedew the
hole.
*' Come, quick !" oried Valentine, ^' I only wish you were here in-
stead of me.
This Llewellen conceived to be an ungrateful observation ; but as he
felt that the life of an unfortunate fellow-creature was at stake, he took
no further notice of the matter, but continued to work with all the spirit
and strength he had in him.
'^^ Hollo, hoUo, hollo !" cried Raven, coming up at this moment,
having noticed the extraordinary exertions of Llewellen from the win-
VALENTINE VOX. 413
dow. " What do you mean by cutting up the garden in this way ?
For whom are you digging that grave ? *
^^ Oh, papa !" cried Louise, as Llewellen kept on, for he thought
that no time was to be lost, and very properly ; ^^ some poor unhappy
creature has been buried alive !"
" Buried alive ! What, here? Pooh, nonsense, absurd!*'
" But we have heard him !"
" I tell you it's absurd !"
" How too you fint yourself now, my tear poy ?" enquired Llewellen
of the person assumed to bo below.
Work away !" cried Valentine. A little to the left !"
" Bless my life and soul !'' exclaimed Raven, who heard this.
" Why, how could it be? Run for those fellows, my girl. Tell them
all to come instantly ! Yal, you will find a lot of spades and a pick-
axe in the tool-house ; bring them all here, quick, there's a good fellow.
Keep at it, Fred ! dig away !*' And Fred did dig away ! no Pole on
being sent to the Siberian mines ever dug away harder.
'^ Now then !" cried Raven, as the servants appeared. '^ Now, off
with your coats, and help Mr. Llewellen."
The servants looked at the hole in a state of amazement ; but strip-
ped, as they were desired, in a moment, although they could not con-
ceive 'what the object was, exactly.
^* Now make this place larger: be quick!" cried Raven; and as
two of them caught hold of spades, the other seized the pickaxe, and
dropped into the hole.
" Get out !" cried Valentine, " you hurt me !" And he with the
pickaxe did get out, and that with remarkable promptitude, for really
ho felt much alarmed.
'^ Work round the edge !'* cried Raven ; ^' and make the hole
larger ! How came you fiurst to hear him ?*'
" Hur was tigging a hole, look you, to perry the weets," replied
Llewellen, who nearly broke his back in standing up to give an an-
swer to the question, " when I hurt a lout croan, pless you, unter the
crount,"
*' How very fortunate you happened to select this spot," observed
Raven ; and it was held to be a singularly fortunate selection, under
the circumstances, by all.
" What do you leave off for !" cried Valentine, as the sweating
Llewellen was engaged in readjusting the muscular economy of his
back. *' Do you hear I"
Llewellen did not exactly like being addressed in so imperative a
style by a man to preserve whose life he had been working like a slave.
He still, however, felt himself bound, as a Christian, to do all in his
power to release him, notwithstanding his manifest ingratitude, and
therefore again went to work, but with the full determination to expos-
tulate with him the very moment he got him out.
The servants, under the strict surveillance of Raven, were now dig-
ging away like young sextons. They never before had such a job. In
loss than ten minutes from the time they commenced, the perspiration
414 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
oozed from every pore. The intense curiosity involved in the hope of
digging a man up alive for some short time sustained them ; but, as the
harder they worked, and the deeper they dug, the more distent the
actual realization of that hope seemed to be, tney very soon began to
flag, as if unable to stand it. Raven, however, made them stick to it
closely ; and they felt it to be, under the circumstances, as much as
tlieir respective situations were worth, to give in. They felt already
nearly exhausted : work was altogether new to them ; they puffed, and
panted, and groaned ; but Raven still kept them at it."
" Let's have some peer !" cried Llewellen*, ** Hur'm poiling !"
The servants simultaneously looked at their master in the hope of being
ordered to run for the beer, seeing that that to either of them would
have been a great relief, because neither would have felt himself bound
to hurry back ; but no. Raven sent Louise to their manifest mortifi-
cation, and made them keep on, although they declared to each other
in strict confidence aside that they felt fit to drop. Their philanthropy
had vanished. That beautiful feeling of humanity, which prompted
them at first to work with the view of saving the life of a fellow-crea-
ture, had died away. They now felt for themselves, and that feeline
was at the moment so powerful, that in it all others were merged. It
was not, however, thus with Llewellen. He was determined to rescue
him whom he believed to be underground, if possible. All consider-
ations having reference to himself were set aside in the pure spirit of
benevolence, and therefore when the beer came, he opened his shoulders,
and, without even taking his lips from the vehicle, swallowed at least
three pints. The servants looked at him while he was drinking, with
astonisliment, mingled vrith dismay, forasmuch as they beheld the wide
bottom of the can go gradually up into the air, they became most in-
tensely apprehensive of his drawing every drain ; for they knew that
that can for them alone, would never by the order of their master be
replenished. When Llewellen, therefore, left them a pint, it was just a
pint more than they expected, and they felt themselves bound in drink-
ing that pint, to be just as long as if it had been half a gallon.
" Come, come /" cried Valentine, " work away there ! you don t
consider !"
" Yesm, my poy," said Llewellen, whose face glowed like fire. " Are
you much teeper town, look you now ?**
*' How can I tell V* replied Valentine. " Can you not guess from
the sound of my voice ?"
^'Inteet, how the tevil you can speak at all, I can't think, look
you !
" Now then don t chatter, but work !" cried Valentine, and Llew-
ellen more firmly than ever resolved to deliver to the invisible indi-
vidual a lecture upon his glaring impropriety of speech the very instant
he had succeeded in digging him out.
The hole was now' about nine feet long by six wide, while its depth
was between five and six, and as they had just reached a stratum of
brickbats and tile^, the difficulty experienced in digging considerably
increased. Llewellen was nothing daunted by this singular circum-
VALENTINE VOX. 415
stance^ but the servants who had for some time previously exhibited
symptoms of exhaustion, now took upon themselves the responsibility
of declaring that they should not be able to stand it much longer.
" Let's have some more peer !" cried Llewellen.
** What, again !" exclaimed Valentine.
" Yesm, can't tig without peer."
^' Again then, Louise was dispatched with the can, and on her re-
turn Llewellen did succeed in emptjdng it at a draught, but sent her
to fill it once more for the servants.
*' Now, are you going to work away, again, or are you not ?" en-
quired Valentine, whose voice now appeared to proceed from about a
foot below the bottom of the hole. ^' You think more of swilling, than
of me !"
^* Tout pe ancry, my poy. Flesh and ploot must po sustaint while
tigging, in truth."
"If we may judge from the sound," observed Raven, "he don't lie
much deeper. You had better dig a trench round, and then you'll be
able to pull him up at once, without injury."
" You can't jutch from the sount how teep he is, pless you. Hur
jutcht from the sount that he wasn't a foot teep an hour ago ; put
hur'U try."
He then took the pickaxe, and used it so dexterously that he kept
the men fully employed with their spades, until the* trench had been
established. " Are you pelow this, look you V he then enquired.
" I think not," replied Valentine.
** All you have to do then," said Raven, " is to raise that earth there
in the middle."
" Yesm. Now my poys work away !" cried Llewellen, " he'll soon
pe out now."
The hopes of the servants revived : their spirits were reanimated to
a sensible extent, and they did work away very laudably. They now
again firmly believed that they should see that unhappy individual, of
whose existence underground they were satisfied to a man. They
therefore used their spades with really great ardour, considering : but as
time had cemented the bricks and loam firmly together, the ground was
so stiff that, after the first five minutes they were quite inclined to give
the thing up, as being utterly hopeless. The indefatigable zeal of Llew-
ellen, however, again urged them on. He once more seized the pickaxe
to loosen the earth, in utter forgetfulness of the fact thai he firmly be-
lieved the man to be lying in the very spot to which he applied it with
all his power. Valentine perceived this, of course, and when Llewellen
had picked a deep hole, into which he was driving the implement again
and again, with all the strength at his command, he cried, *^ Oh ! it
has entered my leg ! now let roe lie in peace."
Llewellen paused, and listened. All was silent beneath. His im-^
pression then was that he had unhappily injured the individual very
seriously.
" Phot's to pe tone ?" he enquired, addressing Raven.
" Why dig him out, of course," replied that gentleman, *^ it's only
416 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
his leg ! that's not of much importance. We are sure he*8 there now ;
therefore let's have him out at once, dead or alive."
Llewellen abandoned the dangerous pickaxe, and again had recourse
to the innocent spade, which after having called for a '^ trop more peer,"
he continued to employ, with unequivocal success, while the servants,
who now, as they conceived, had something of a tangible character to
work upon, seeing that the victim had really called out about his leg,
backed the glorious efforts of Llewellen most manfully, which, duly
considering aS things, certainly did them great credit.
Upwards of an hour they worked at this solid piece of earth ; for as
Llewellen would not use the pickaxe again, their progress was singu-
larly slow. As they proceeded they of course thought it strange that
they should meet with* nothing indicative of the presence of a man.
Had they come across a finger, or even a toe, they strongly felt that
under the circumstances it would have been something ; but as they
dug out nothing but bricks and tiles, it was natural for them to infer
therefrom, that there was something about the afiair rather mysterious.
They nevertheless worked away in the hope of picking up anon a loose
leg, an odd arm, or the head of an individual, until they had got below
the point to which Llewellen had pierced, when the mystery became
very dense.
"Nopotty here!" exclaimed Llewellen, '^ where is the leek that hur
injurt? Hur've 'cot pelow that !"
'^ And it seems to be impossible for him to have moved in sucli hard
stoney earth," added Raven.
'^ Oh ! if he has the apility to move apout the crount, why we may
keep on tigging till toomstay. Where are you, my poy, look you,
where are you now V
No answer was returned to this plain simple qu^ion.
" Areyoutet?"
Tliere was still no answer.
** Well, this is, beyond all doubt," observed Raven, " the most ex-
traordinary thing I ever met with."
'' Extraortinary I hur is thunterstruck, look you !" cried Llewellen,
and he really appeared to be so at that moment. '' He's tet ; there's
no tout apout that : liur've kilt him with the pickaxe ; ant therefore as
hur can now too no more coot to-tay, hur'll have another tig to-morrow
morning for the potty."
^' But I don't see how you could have touched him, " said Raven.
*' Nor can hur, look you ; put there's no tout that he's there ; ant as
hur can't hear him speak, there's no tout that he's tet ; ant as he is tet,
hur can't pring him to life again, so that hur hat petter pegin fresh
acain to-morrow."
To this series of opinions all promptly subscribed, and Llewellen got
out of the hole. Tlie servants followed; not indeed with much lua-
crity, but with peculiar satisfaction, far as the mere cessation from
labour was concerned, but no farther. They w*erc unable to stand erect :
every attempt they made to reassume that manly position was accom-
panied by a pain of the most acute character in the back. They were
VALElfTINE VOX. . 417
therefore eontent to walk for a time nearly double, as the only available
means of avoiding immediate agony. This however was not the case
with Llewellen ^he gave one mighty stretch, and all was over ; but his
appearance at the time was anything but aristocratical, seeing that his
hands, arms, and face were begrimed with dirt, while his clothes were in
a most untidy condition. He had done more work in those three
hours, than his assistants could have accomplished in a month ; not
only because he possessed more strength, but because his had been ]5urely
voluntary labour, while theirs would of necessity be compulsory, inas-
much as, except upon compulsion, they would never work at all.
^' WeU," said Raven, after having stood over the hole with Llewellen
for some time in deep contemplation, ^ I can't make it out ; I shaU not
be satisfied until we have him up. It certainly is the strangest thing
I ever either heard of or met with.''
^ Oh hur 11 have him up to-morrow, never fear. Hur'll tig till hur
fint him, if lie's town twenty feet."
" Well, come Fred, run away and make yourself decent for dinner."
" Hur wish it was retty look you, now," said Llewellen, " hur shall
eat a goot tinner to-tay."
Of this Raven appeared to have no doubt whatever, and when he had
fiven certain instructions to his nearly exhausted servants, who were
oubled up still, Louise and Valentine were left in the garden alone.
The fact of a voice having been heard to proceed apparently from the
earth, rendered Louise for the time being oblivious of almost everything
else : she could speak, she could think, m fact, of nothing but that ; for
although the thing in itself must appear extremely stupid to those who
know the means by which the effects of ventriloquism are produced,
they, who have not even the most remote conception of those means, are
not inclined to think so lightly of the effects at the time. To them
those effects are invariably astounding, and it may with perfect safety
be asserted, that there is scarcely a man who, on hearing a voice pro-
ceed apparently from the earth, and being at the same time unconscious
of the power of ventriloquy, would not dig a hole, in order to ascertain
the cause, as deep as that dug by Llewellen. Hs was as firmly con-
vinced as he was of his own existence, that some unhappy person was
alive under ground, and so was Raven, and so was Louise, whose con-
jectures were certunly of a most extraordinary character. Valentine
would willingly have undeceived her^ but as his object was to make
Llewellen anon appear as ridiculous as possible in the event of his con-
tinuing to address her in those terms of endearment of which he did not
and could not approve, he very naturally kept the thing a secret ev^n
from her, and contented himself with subduing her fears.
In a short time Llewellen reappeared in the garden, very warm stiU,
but tidy. His object was to have another glance at the hole before
dinner, and he therefore walked up to it thoughtfully and firmly, and
stood upon its brink, and shook his head, and looked down, first
in the most straightforward manner, and then obliquely. While at
his toilet he had conceived the idea that he had not in reality dug be-
low the point the pickaxe had reached ; but as after a very minute ex-
dH
41 S LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
amination he dbooreied that he had, the thing appeared to him to be
tea more myBierioiis than eTer. He could not understand it at all, and
he said so, and continued to announce the same fact, ynth TanatioDS,
until he sat down to dinner, when, from the time he b^;an till he had
finished, he did not appear to have a moment's opportunity for the de-
livery of any opinion upon any subject whatever. ^' Hur will tmpple
yon acain,'* ^^ Shall hur have the pleasure?" *'*' Hur shall pe piout,"
" Yesm," ^ No," and " A littel more peer," were the only words
he uttered.
Valentine had been led by Raven to expect that Uewellen was able
to eat, but he had, he could have had, no idea of the extent of his gor-
mandizing powers. Four times he was helped to soup, three times to
fish, and three times to beef, although Raven, knowing his customer,
took special care to send him upwards of a pound each time, ^after
which he demolished a chicken and a half with a fully proportionate
quantity of ham, and then set to work upon the pastry, precisely
if nothing at all had happened, vrinding up the whole by emptying the
bread-basket with a view to ^e full enjoyment of two good half-pound
slices of cheese.
It is true that his appetite on this occasion had been very much pro-
voked. As a matter of justice this must be admitted. He had worked
very hard, and digging is a species of labour which renders a man
liable to eat a great deal. But, allowing for all this, the way in which
Uewellen ate proved that it was not for him a very extraordinary
quantity, although sufBcient to have satisfied a family of twelve, if
even they had not had a respectable meal for a month.
*'* How many meals a-day do you have when you are at home,
Fred?" enquired Mr. Raven, as soon as Llewellen was disengaged.
*^ Only five, look you : preakfiist, lunch, tinner, tea, and supper."
*' And do you have animal food at every meal ?"
'^ Yesm. A man in Caermarthen inteet must have foot : he can't
live without eating." Which, however extraordinary it may appear,
is a positive fact.
Dinner now being at an end, the mystery again formed the topic of
conversation.
^' That some poor creature," said Raven, ^^ lies buried at the bottom
of our garden, there cannot be a rational doubt, and if I were at aH
supexstitiouB, I should say that the hct of his being there accounts for
the singular noises we have frequently heard. If you remember,
Valentine, the last time your uncle was here, we heard a strange voice
in this very room ! I have never been able to make that out yet.
You recollect ?"
" Oh ! yes : ' One of the Aristocracy !' "
^'Exactly. Now that was a wonderful circumstance, when yon
come to think of it 1 Ws could find no one in the room, you know !
The voice would answer questions, but nothing could be seen !
Nearly the whole of the following day was I endeavouring to find out
what it could possibly have been, and as I could obtain no clue what*
ever to the mystery, I'd lay my life, if I were at all superstitious, that
TALBMTINB VOX. 419
this aFair in the garden is connected with it in some way. I bavo
heard of haunted houses, it is true ; but then I never put uth in such
absurdities I have invariably looked upon them either as the morbid
imaginings of hypochondriacs, or as the idle fancies of ignorant minds
wrought upon by superstitious fear. Thank Heaven I am not super-
stitious : I never was I am only saying, that if I were, the chances
are that I should attribute the strange noises that I have heard to the
iact of some one having been buried m the garden."
" Some of these things,'' observed Valentine, " are very nnaocount-
able."
'^ They are indeed. I have heard many persons, strong-minded per-
sons too, declare that they have seen apparitions, and no argument, no
reasoning, could ever induce them to. believe that they had not. I con-
fess that if there be such things as spectres, I should exceedingly like to
see one ; bat I have no belief in anyUiing of the sort. I can, of course^
understand how men can imagine that they behold them. We all see
visions in our dreams, and when m^i see them while, as they &ncy,
they are awake, they do but dream that they see them, for the process
of beholding apparitions is but a morbid species of dreaming after all."
''But both these things to which you have alluded maybe mys-
terious, and yet have no connection with each other,*' observed Valen-
tine.
'* Exactly. With regaid to the affair in the garden, I don't know
at all what to think about that. The fact of an absolutely dead man
being buried in such a place, would lead one to suppose that there had
been some foul play, while, if it be any one who has been buried in a
trance, it is exceedingly strange that they should have buried him
there. Of course, that people have been thus buried we cannot doubt.
Many cases have occurred, which prove jbeyond all dispute, the possi-
bility of persons under those circumstances, being able to exist in the
earth."
At this moment, Llewellen commenced snoring most hideously.
''Fred!" cried Raven. "My good fellow, come, come, we can't
stand that !"
Poor LleweUen, whom the labour of love in the garden had ex-
hausted, remained quite unconscious of being thus adcuessed. Haven
shook him very manfully, and bawled in his ear, but although the
snoring almost instantaneously ceased, it was a long time before he
could be persuaded to open his eyes.
" I say Fred !" continued Raven, when he had accomplished this
praiseworthy object. " We can't stand snoring I"
'^Tear me ! tit hur snore ? Hur peek parton, look you, put really
hur really." Having got to this highly satisfiftctory point, he drop-
ped off again as soundly as before, when, as the music of his " most
miraculous organ" had ceased, no attempt was made a^dn to disturb
him. He slept, and slept on, and as Ravan soon followcSl his example,
Louise and Valentine passed an extremely {feasant evening, although
neither could be said to have absolutely relinquished the object they
both had in view.
420 UFS AKD ADTENTURUS OP
CHAPTER LI.
IN WHICH TALENTINB ABOUBB A FODfT IN orPOfllTION TO THE
VIEWS OP MANY THOUBANIW.
When Valentine called the foUowii^ morning, he ibmid poor Uewdlen
in the bole. He had been digging away ever since six o'clock, but, of
conrse, without any success. When he commenced at that interesting
hour, he had firmly resolved to keep at it until he found the ** potty, '
but as the ground, when Valentine arrived, was becoming sufficiently
damp to convince him that he could not be very hr off water, his
ardour was somewhat subdued, and he began to put it seriously to him-
self, whether it was worth while under all the circumstances of the
case, to adhere to his original resolution.
*' Still at it," cried 'V alentine, on looking down the hole. *' Have
you had any sport ?"
*^ Hur have not fount the potty," replied Uewellen, in despair, ^ ant
the pottom is ketting rather tamp, inteet, look you T
'' WeUr said VJentine, who really began to think that be had had
enough digging, *' if I were you I'd give tbe thing up."
** Hut tout like to too that, ant yet, if hur tig mudi teeper her fint
hur shall have inteet to tig in a welL"
** Ebcactly ; you have gone deep enourii now to satisfy the conscienoe
of any man. Come ! give me your hand. The thing has now become
hopeless."
Uewellen did not at all like to relinquish his task; but as reason
suggested to him at the moment, that he might as well do so as not, he
** listened to the voice of the charmer," and leaped at once out of the hole.
*^ Well," said he, '^ now there's a jop to fiU it up acain, look yon."
^ Oh, leave that to the servants. Let them do it at ihdr leisore.
Don't trouble yourself about that."
In this particular also, Llewellen allowed himself to be guided, and
he went to restore the respectability of his appearance, vi4iile Valen
tine was pleasantly mgaged with Louise. She had become quite her-
self again, and chatted so gaily, and seemed to be so happy in his so-
ciety, that every feeling he had entertained of an unfit vourable chancier
towaids Llewdlen subsided, and he began rather to like him than not
And this happy change of feeling was mutual. Llewdlen bad become
quite partial to him : indeed, when he rejoined him on that occasion,
so good an understanding existed between them, that they agreed to
spend the evening together ^ somewhere."
Louise, however, md not approve of this arrangement. She nataally
wished that ^' somewhere " to be there, and would assuredly have pat
her teio at once upon its being anywhere else, if she had not leiinquiibed
the imperative mood quite so recently. As it was, she very prudently
deemed it expedient to vrithhold her countenance from the proposed
anangement simply, although she cauidhmyn ddivered her opinion upon
VALENTINE VOX. 421
the subject with no inconsiderable eloquence and wannth ! No direct
opposition therefore having been offered, the arrangement remained un-
disturbed, and Valentine, who had promised to dine with his uncle, left
with every feeling of jealousy crushed.
He looked upon Uewellen no longer as a rival, so differently do men
under different circumstances appear. He knew but little of him
scarcely anything indeed yet he felt that he possessed qualities the
knowledge of which would be pleasing. There are some men whose
characters may be seen at a glance; while the characters of others
require time to be understood, and there can be as little doubt about
which of the two classes succeed best with the superficial as about
which are as associates to be preferred ; for the difference between them
consists simply in this, that whereas the former strive to create a
fi&vourable impression by means which are easily seen through, the
latter are content to leave all to be discovered.
To this latter class Uewellen belonged, and Valentine, now the film
of jealousy had been removed, did not fail to perceive it. It was there-
fore with pleasure that he called for him in the evening, and, when
they had listened to Louise, who had prepared for the occasion a few
touching inuendos, which had reference to social influences in general,
they set forth in search of some new entertainment.
The first thing which arrested the attention of Uewellen, was a
flaming placard, upon which two men were represented in a pugilistic
attitude.
^' Oh r he exclaimed, ^' hur shoot like to co there and see them apove
aU thinks in life 1"
Valentine read the placard, and as he found that a grand pugilistic
display was to take place that evening, they started off at once, and
soon reached the scene of action. On entering the arena, they found
the sport had not yet commenced, and the audience, of whom the majority
were respectably attired, while some of them were dressed in the* first
style of fashion, manifesting symptoms of impatience, it being then past
the hour announced in the placard. They were not however kept much
longer in suspense, for almost immediately afterwards a person appeared
upon a stage, about four or five-and-twenty feet square, and intro-
duced two finely-formed athletic fellows to the audience, one as " The
Birmingham Bull," and the other as '' The Brixton Chicken." They
were, notwithstanding this, fairly matched in appearance. They were
about the same height, and the same weight ; and while the muscles of
both were developed with equal beauty, their skin was equally healthy
and clear.
As they shook hands as well as th^ could with their gloves on,
they smiled at each other good humouredly, and then with the utmost
coolness set to work. For some considerable time, not a single blow
was offered. They looked at each otliex^s eyes firmly, and prepared
their defence at every feint ; and when they did strike out, for the
amusement of the spectators, Valentine was amazed at the rapidity and
tact with which each blow was parried. It seemed for some time to
be impossible for either, to break fiiirly tliough his antagonist's guard ;
422 UFB AMD ADVENTURES OP
and wheu at leoffth, as if tired of defending themselves siaiply, they
relinquished the defence for the attack, the blows that weie givea were
mutually received with every demonstration of good will.
A shower of sixpences followed this display, which the oombatants
picked up with infinite alacrity, and looked as if as far as their own pri-
vate feelings were concerned ^it would have been extremely pleasant to
see it rain thus for a month. To them, however, the gods were not quite
so propitious : they very soon suooeoded in clearing the stage; and when
they had left it, two others were introduced by the master of the oere-
roonies, whose general style was so extraordinary, that Vabntine oould
not resist the temptation to have a word with him ineoff.
'' The Bo^y and the Pet ! the Pet ! the Bogey !" cried the master of
the ceremonies, pointing distinctly to each in his turn*
^' Which is the Pet V' enquired Valentine, throwing his voice among
the shilling individuals.
*^ This is the Pet, and this is the Bogey; this is the Bogey and this
is the Pet."
'' But which is the Bogey ?"
*' Why this is the Bogey I" And as he said so, he looked rather
severely towards the spot from which the voice appeared to proceed.
'' But the Pet !" cried Valentine, '' which is the Pet ?"
The master of the ceremonies felt rather ruffled, and left the stage
determined to have no more of it.
The Pet and the Bogey then commenced ; but Valentine's attention
was arrested at the moment by Llewellen, who had discovered a fnend
by his side, who resided in Caennarthen, and who appeared to be quite
shocked at the idea of being caught in mch a place on $uch an occasion.
Llewellen introduced this gentleman as Mr. Jarvis Jones, and subse-
quently stated, aside, that he was an exceedin^y charitable, kind-
hearted person, who, by his acts of benevolence, had acquired through-
out Wales, the reputation of a philanthropist. Under these pecuuar
circumstances, Valentine was pleased with the introduction ; but al-
though, after what had been stated by liewellen, he believed him to be
a ^od sort of creature, he could not help thinking that there was some-
thmg in his general aspect at the time inappropriately severe.
" Are you a patron of the art of self defence V* enquired Valentitte.
^' Heaven forbid !" exclaimed Mr. Jarvis Jones.
" Indeed !"
''*' I came here as a matter of curiosity ; but I assure you that I am
disgusted with the whole exhibition."
^' Upon my word you somewhat surprise me," said Valentine, '* iot
really I am unable to perceive anything in it at all calculated to excite
the slightest feehng of disgust !"
" I do not perhaps look so much at the exhibition per m, as at its
tendency ; although it is of itself sufficiently degrading to our nature,
that men should come forward thus to knock each other about for gain."
'' I fear that the love of gain," rejoined Valentine, '^ prompts men to
acts of a chamcter hi more degrading to our nature."
*^ No doubt of it I that I have no desire to dispute ; but it does not
TALENTINB VOX. 423
follow thiit one species of degradation should be countenanced because
there may happen to be another more vile."
'^ That of course must be admitted ; but if we look at the members of
such professions, as are not deemed degrading, but which, on the contrary,
are held to be highly honourable, we shall find, I apprehend, human
nature in your sense degraded to at least an equal depth."
^' You mean of course occasionally ?^*by individuals ? "
** No ; in the aggregate : looking at the principle which actuates
them all. Take, for mstance, the profession of a soldier."
'^ Surely you do not mean to compare a soldier to a pugilist ?"
^^ Why should I not ? Can the love of gain be said to have no
influence over him ? Take him as he is as a man ; and tell me why,
if fighting for gain be indeed degrading, he is not in that respect as
degnided as the pugilist."
'^ But the soldier fights the battles of his country."
'^ No doubt of it ; and were he occasionally to r^tue to fight what
ate termed ^ the battles of his country,' he would be just as good a
patriot ; but, apart from this, he figlit? with a view to his own aggran-
diaement : with this view he enlisted ; for gain he entered the army as
one willing to kill whomsoever he might be directed to kill, without
remorse, because the country calls it ^ory, and without the slightest
reference to the justice of the cause in which he fights ; for that of
course he is not supposed to understand. It may be said, indeed, that
the leading star of the soldier is fame. Fame is equally the leading
star of the pugilist. Its influence is equally felt ; it is as dear to the
one as to the odier. But this is not the point : the question is sijnply
this : Is the pugilist degraded because he fights for gain ? If he be^
then are all men who fight for gain plunged into the depths of degrada-
tion, no matter with what weapon tliey may fight, whether with
swords, fists, pistols, or tongues V
**" Then you would place politicians on a level with pugilists ?''
" All of them, of course, who do battle for gain."
'^ And advocates generally barristers for example ?"
'^ I would place tnem considerably lower in the scale of venality, for
they without having ignorance to plead in extenuation^^will prosti-
tute their talents in any cause, however unjust to individuals, or per-
nicious to society. For a fee, they will plunge the most amiable and
exemplary into wretchedness and want, by violating every just, every
honourable principle, to make the worse appear the better reason ; for
a fee, they will snatch from justice, and fling upon society again, those
whom they krww to be guilty of crimes the most hideous."
^^ You will remember,'' observed Mr. Jones, ^* I admitted that the
love of gaiu, urged men to acts more degrading to our nature than those
even of pugilists, while you in turn, acknowledged that it did not follow
that one species of degradation should be countenanced, because another
existed of a character more vile. But, as I said, I look more at the
tendency of such exhibitions as these, than at either the exhibitions
themselves, or the characters of those engaged in them."
'* And what do yon conceive their tendency to be V*
424 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
'^ To generate pugnacity among the lower orders to render them
revensefiu ^to accustom them to scuffles and drunken braids and to
lead them into scenes of debauchery and vice."
^^ This is an awful account, certainly/* said Valentine. ** Bat how
comes it that, since pugilism as an art has been discountenanced, the
lower orders have been as pugnacious, as revengeful, as accustomed to
scuffles and brawls, and as vicious at least as before V
*^ Because the influence of pugilism, in its palmy dajrs, has not yet
been effectually suppressed."
*^ If it has been suppressed at all, these vices if attributable to that
influence must have decreased in proportion. Years have passed
away since the art was discouraged, and that its influence Am been
weakened no man can doubt ; for, since its discouragement^ I may
say its almost total suppression, ^the cowardly spirit which actuates
secret assassins, has supplanted the manly courage it inspired. Knives,
daggers, and pikes, are now the popular instruments of revenge. The
use of the fist is exploded. Men are murdered outright in lieu of being
disfigured. Where they used to have cut lips, black eyes, and swollen
noses, they have stabs in the throat, the abdomen, and the back. Wives
are made widows, and children orphans, in an instant : where men re-
ceived blows which simply made their eyes twinkle, they now fidl
dead upon the spot."
** Deaths sometimes occurred, you are aware, in pugilistic en-
counters.*'
^' They did : but how rarely ! But, independently of all consider-
ations having reference to actual death, the practice of using deadly
weapons in silly private quarrels, is repugnant to every British feeling.
If the lower orders must quarrel, and quarrel they will, ^let than
not be made to forget the use of their fists : let them raih be prompted
to pommel each other till they are tired, than induced to resort to the
cowardly, murderous practice of stabbing."
*' But how can we ascertain that the increase of stabbing, which all
must deplore, is attributable to the suppression of the pugilistic art ?*'
^V By looking at the character of the lower orders of society 4n con-
junction with the promptings of human nature in general : they will
quarrel ; and when they do, they must have weapons. Teach them
to forget the use of those which they have heretofore employed, and
they will deem themselves justified in flying to others. They have
been taught this : they have been taught to forget the use of their fists,
and hence fly to knives, pikes, and daggers."
*' But pugilists in general are such abominable characters, so profli-
gate, so dishonourable 1"
'^ All this may be granted, without diminishing the inexpediency of
running them down like wild beasts."
** But do you not perceive, that, if they were directly countenanced,
we should be in effect countenancing profligacy and dishonour V
'' 1 do not perceive that ; but if even it followed as a necessary con-
sequence, we should attach due weight to the fact that they need not
be in any direct manner sanctioned I In all matters of this kind then
TALENTIHB VOX. 425
ifl a wide difiere&ce between direct sanction and active suppression.
Let pugilists no longer be hunted from county to county by those
elderly ladies who have the honour to be in the commission of the
peace, and that manly courage by which the lower orders used to be
distinguished will again be inspired ; they will again, in the spirit of
emulation^ use their hands without deadly weapons in them."
** Come, come !" cried Llewellen, " you've pin losing all the sport,
look you ! Phot have you pin talking apout all this time ? Have
yon cot any silver V
This put an end to the conversation : and when Valentine had given
Llewellen his purse, he and Jones again turned towards the stage.
Although by no means convinc^ of the soundness of Valentine's
arguments, the philanthropist thought that there must be something in
them, for he found that tlie disgust which he had befote felt had Van-
ished. He was able then to witness the exhibition with comparative
pl^sure, and to smile at the ardour of Llewellen, who was really so
delighted tliat he continued, as he had begun, to throw silver to the
combatants after every round.
^ The more the evening advanced, the more judgment and science were
displayed : the best men had been evidently kept in reserve, and their
tactics were so various and so clever, that the spirit of the exhibition
was kept up till the last.
" Hur can too it I" exclaimed Llewellen, as he left with his Mends.
" Hur can too it I Hur'll py a set of duffy, in the morning, ant kiff
you a challench, look yon.*'
^' Oh, I'll accept it f said Valentine, and the thing was agreed upon
at once, when the philanthropist insisted upon their having supper
with him, at his hotd, where they remained, until Valentine, with
a view to hie own reputation, deemed it highly expedient to take
Llewellen home.
CHAPTER LII.
VALENTINE AT GREENWICH FAIR.
So much had Llewellen and Valentine been together since their recon-
ciliation, that Louise, who had expected all sorts of amusement to spring
from the presence of her cousin, began to wish him at Wales again
heartfly, before he had been in town a week. It was not simply one
or two evenings that she had been left alone : no, that she might have
endured : they had been out together every evening 1 which was really
very terrible to her feelings. However men could wish to be out so
often, she could not conceive. Whatever they could see was a mystery
to her. She lectured Llewellen, and insisted upon knovnng where he had
been, and whom he had seen, and appealed to her father whether she
had not a dear and indispuiable right to know, and pointedly expo6tU'
3 I
426 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
lated with Valentine ; but in vain : they agreed with all she said ; bat
continued to go out ! admitted their error, but would not reform.
This was not, however, Valentine's fault. He fcould have spent his
evenings with her, had it not been that Llewellen was continually at
him. It mattered not whether any appointment had been actually
made or not, when Llewellen awoke in the morning Valentine was the
very first person whom he thought of, and immediately after breakfast,
if no engagement had been made between them, he would call upon
him in order to seduce him out somewhere. He could do nothing at
all without Valentine. He could not move out without him. Valen-
tine, of course, must go wherever he went, and when Baven insisted
upon his dining at home, Valentine, of course, must dine with him.
While this very manifestly tended to raise Valentine in the estimation
of Louise, it palpably diminished her regard for Llewellen. Upon
his broad shoulders all was laid. Valentine was, in her view,
Llewellen's victim. Zealously did she labour to open his eyes to
this interesting fiict ; and constantly did she express her amazement
that he should suffer himself to be o led away ; she declared it to be
her unbiassed opinion, that the practice of going out every evening was
fraught with pernicious effects, and contended, that if the thing went on
much longer thus, she should be justified in believing that he loved
Llewellen s society infinitely better than hers.
With Valentine all this had great apparent weight ; but he did not
conceive it to be strictly just, that all the blame should be attached to
Llewellen. He, therefore, with the view of taking some portion of it
to himself^ did enquire of LleweUen, immediately aiter Louise had been
delivering to him one of her most eloquent lectures whether he
would or would not like to go to Greenwich Fair ?
^* Apove all things in the worlt !" exclaimed Llewellen, who was
invariably ready for anything of the sort. *'*' Then is it to pe ?"
*' Greenwich fair !" cried Louise, perfectly astounded, not only at
the idea of Greenwich fair, but at the &ct of that idea having pro-
ceeded from him whom she had hitherto believed to be the victim,
** Greenwich fi&ir ! why surely you would never think of going to such
a dreadful place as that !"
'* Put phen is it to pe ? That's the point,'* sud Llewellen,-^* phen is
it toper
*^ On Monday," replied Valentine, *^ and the sport I understand is
mporb."
*' That's peautiful look you ; hurll pe retty, hurll pe retty I
*' Why, Valentine," said Louise, *^ you amaze me ! Do yon know,
sir, what sort of place Greenwich fair is? Are you aware of its
being the resort of the very lowest of the low a place in which any
one would blush to be seen who had the slightest pretensions to respec-
tabiUty."
** If an3rpotty sees me plush "
**" Hold your tongue, Fred ! you cannot know anything about it."
^* 1 have no desire at all to see the fiur," said Valentine, ^' I am anx-
ious only to go into the park, to see the pretty girls roll down the hill."
TALENTINB VOX. 42?
*' Peautiful ! Oh ! I phootn't miaa it for the worH !"
^* I am ashamed of you, Valentine, ^perfectly ashamed of you. Ah !
you do not mean it ; I see by your smiling that you do not mean it
do you ?"
^' If he ton't mean it look you, he ought to be smuttert."
** I have nothing at all to say to you, sir ! but, Valentine : you
have no real intention of going now have you V
'' Why, really I cannot see why I should not. Llewellen you know
will be there to protect me !"
" Oh, hur'll protect every hair of your het !"
'^ I have no doubt of tliat, sir. You will so far protect him as to
keep him out one half the night."
^^ No ; I mean to be home early, very early. I do not intend to
remain after dark."
^* Well, if you will promise me that, I shall offer no further opposi-
tion, although I cannot bear the thought of your going at all, 1 haya
heard so many dreadful accounts of the place."
The thing was therefore decided ; and when the morning, to which
so many thousands, not in England alone, but in every part of Europe,
look forward with delight, had arrived, Valentine called for Llewellen,
who of course was quite ready, and had been for hours.
Having made up their minds to go by water, they proceeded to Hun-
gerford Stairs, where they found a steamer just on the point of starting,
and at once got on board. The vessel was crowded in every part to
excess. The deck was covered with a mass of human beings, which
must have appeared at a distance to be as nearly as possible
solid. They had no room at all to shift about : they were fixed in
their respective positions as firmly as if they had been nailed to the
deck. l}ieir eyes, lips, and tongues were the only things on board
which to human perception did move, and their motion was certainly
perpetual. It is true there were two individuals near the funnel, one
of whom was making a peculiarly constructed violin squeak, by some
cabalistic means, without moving his elbow, while the other was blow-
ing away like Boreas through a powerful trombone, three parts of
which he was of necessity compelled to conceal between a stout licensed
victualler's legs which seemed to have been actually built for the pur*
pose, the knees, although the ancles were close, were so very vnde
apart in order to get the notes which he conceived the tune demanded ;
but, with the exception of these two individuals and the captain, whose
arms went up and down as perpetually as if he had been engaged to
play the character of a windmill, all on board were firmly fixed.
On passing London Bridge, a scene presented itself of a character the
most imposing. This was and still is the grand starting-place for
steamers; and thousands were on the various wharfs panting for a
chance to get on board of them, and thousands more were alr^y on
board, laughing and looking so happy I while the water, as thick as
respectable pease -soup, looked at the time as if Vesuvius bad been
beneath it, so furiously did it boiL
Billingsgate was abandoned ; but the beautiful esplanade of the CuSf
*28 YALBNTINE TOK.
tom-honse was ibronfled. At the Tower Stairs, which used to be
embellisbed, on these happy occasions, with the stars of the east, the
ilite of Whitechapel and Spitalfields, nothing could be seen save a few
grim withered old watermen sitting upon the bottoms of their wherrieSy
which they had rowed indeed they knew not how oft ; but which were
now fast turning into touchwood, and mournfully bringing to each other's
recollection the bright characteristics of those truly blened times when
they were able to carry eight at eightpence.
Below these justly celebrated stairs, no striking point presented itself
on either side, and the thoughts of the passengers were turned towards
their stomachs. It is a beautiful feature in Uie character of English-
men, that they are never truly happy but when they are either eatmg
or drinking. The rapid action of their digestive organs seems to be
essential to their enjoyment of any scene, however exciting in itself.
They must set tAem to work upon something, or their hearts are not at
ease; they cannot feel comfortable, their thoughts revert to pecuniary
affairs, and their spirits evaporate. It is hence that on this gay occa-
sion the persons upon deck became dull, when they discovered that
they could get nothing either to eat or to drink. It is true there was
plenty below, but the cabin was so choked up that they could not
insinuate themselves by any means down its throat* They were ther^
fore compelled, and the idea of being compelled to do anything, is one
which a Briton cannot bear, to defer the commencement of their
pleasures until they reached Oreenwich, which was a pity, inasmuch as
a little sour stout, or even a little ginger-beer, would have made them
feel joyous and happy.
They, however, made up for the mortification they had endured, the
very moment they landed, by pouring into the various pubHo-houses in
the immediate vicinity of the pier ; when, having obtamed a supply of
the essence of mirth, their features relaxed, and they were all Ufe and
spirit.
Valentine and Llewellen made at once for Uie Park, and as they
entered, it presented a scene of surpassing gaiety. Little indeed of the
green sward could be seen, while the hill which rose before them ap-
peared to be one moving mass of hats, bonnets, scarfs, ribbons, and
shawls. The effect was striking. Every colour that art could produce
was displayed, and in the sun all harmonised brilliantly. Such was
the appearance of the mass, but when analysed, its softness and beauty
were lost.
As Llewellen was excessively anxious to be active, and as Yalentitte
was not in a contemplative mood, they mounted the hill without de-
lay, and before they had reached the summit, partook freely of the
pleasure with which all around them appeared to be inspired. It was
delightful to view their manifestations of happiness, for on all such oc-
casions the poorest enjoy themselves the most. Give a poor gizl a
holiday, place anything like a sweetheart by her side, let her have some
pink ribbon ^and plenty of it, that the ends may hang well over her
shoulders, with a little white handkerchief to carry in her hand, and
when in the Park, princesses might envy her feelings.
YALEMTINII YOX. 429
*' How peantiful all the drls look I" ezolaimed Llawellen. ^* Can't
we haye a came with them, look you ? Hur want to eee more of
them roll town the hill."
^^ I've no douht we ahall eee plenty of them do that hj and bye.
They are not yet sufficiently excited. But the people appear to be
flocking this way. Let us join them. There is sure to be something
worth seeing, or the attraction would not be so strong."
^' Hur ton't think we shall too much petter," said Llewellen, '^pnt
we'll CO."
They went accordingly down the avenue which leads to Blackheath,
and which was' thronged by persons, of whom the majority were in
much better circumstances than others whom they saw, and who ap^
peared to be extremely anxious that those others should know it, they
did walk so stately and looked so severe.
The Heath was covered : not alone by human beings, for there were
donkeys beyond calculation, and forty-year-old ponies, and marqueeii
and cockshies, and innumerable other great attractions, which combined
to swell out the importance of the scene.
Llewcllen felt as if every limb hung upon wires. He could not keep
quiet. He ran about like a young lunatic : now getting his hat filled
with gingerbread-nuts to pelt the children of the gypsies, ^who have
always swarms of those little articles at command, and then pulling
the girls about and kissing aye, absolutely kissing them, and that too
in the face of the sun ! tie did not know at all what to do with him-
self, and at length declared that nothing could or should content his
soul until he had had a ride on one of the ponies. ^* Hur'll kiff you,"
said he, " fifty yarts, look you, out of five huntert, ant peat you, ant
you shall have which you please. There I" he added, pointing to
a poor little poney, ^^ he a a Welshman : I know he's a Welshman :
hur'll let you take him."
Valentine looked at the little animal ; and he might have been a
Welshman, but he must have been foaled in the middle aces.
'^ Phot say you !" cried Llewellen, who was then aU impatience.
" Will you accept my challench ?"
^' I will, if you'U ride that nice white one," said Valentine, pointing
to a dirty little wretch of a mare that in point of years looked at least
a thousand.
^' No, no : that's too pat ; there's nothing in her : there's no blut in
her potty ; no pone."
*^ Why she's all bone ! what would you have ? ^Take her ; and
111 not have the fifty yards you offered."
" Well : hur'll try her speet 1" And he mounted, when Valentine
mounted the Welshman ; and they made a fair start.
The Welshman went a-head, for there wm a little stuff still in
him ; but the other, with all Llewellen's jockeyship, could not be pre-
tailed upon to believe that it was necessary for her to go. The strong-
ly exciting moment of starting indeed did stimulate her into a trot ;
during which, the active energies of Llewellen caused the saddle to slip
off, although he managed, by dint of great dexterity, to stick on ; but
430 LIFE AND ADVENTURSS OF
I
I
after that great event the mare would not stir an inch : she would not
even make the slightest effort to go alone, knowing perhaps that if she
did, such effort would be unsuccessful, inasmuch as the saddle was
dangling between her legs, while her rider sat firmlj upon the girth.
Of all this Llewellen was utterly unconscious until Valentine pomted
it out to him on his return. His firm impression was that he had left
the saddle behind him ! He could not understand at all the motive of
the mare, and wondered that all around him should be roaring with
laughter. He very soon however dismounted after that, and acknow-
ledged that Valentine had won.
This calmed him a little for at least ten minutes, during which time
he walked very quietly along, but he broke loose again veiy soon after
that, and ran about as much elated as before.
*^ My little tear, phot shall I treat you to, look you V he enquired
of a smart servant-girl, who was rather a shrewd little creature in her
way. " Phot will you have for a fairink ?"
**' That thimble and pincushion, please," replied the girl, as Ae
pointed to the articles stuck upon a stick.
'^ Which of course you shall have, my little tear," said Llewellen.
" Year, yer bar, sir ! ^Three throws a penny, and six for tuppence !"
cried a fellow who approached at this moment with an armful of
sticks.
*' Hur want these two little thinks, look you : phot's the price ?"
** Can't sell 'em hoff the sticks, sir ; it's three throws a penny.*'
" Oh, nonsense ! Hur'll kiff you photever price you ask. Hur
shall preak them, if hur throw, look you !*'
" Oh, no yer von't, sir I D'yer vomt them petickler V*
" Why, of course ! ant must have them for this laty."
" Worry well, sir ! year's three throws a penny : yer safe to bring
'em down !"
" Oh, hurll pring them town ! ^there's no tout apout that !" cried
Llewellen, and he at once took three sticks and repaired to the place
appointed.
The first he pitched gently, lest he should injure the little articles,
but missed them : the next he delivered with a sweep,, and down they
came in an instant.
'^ Ifin the ole, upon me soul !" cried the fellow, who danced to the
spot to stick them up again.
Llewellen did not understand this proceeding, and expressed himself
exactly to that effect, when the proprietor explained to his own satis-
faction that, in order to obtain them, it was absolutely necessary for
them to fall out of the hole.
'' Very well !" said Llewellen, who threw the third stick which,
however, went wide of the mark.
^' Ow worry near, sure-/y /" exclaimed the active proprietor, who
seemed to pride himself especially upon the performance of the most
extraordinary antics. ^' Try again, sir ! safe to get 'em ! no mistake,
sir ! Year's three more !"
Llewellen now took a most deliberate aim, holding the stick hoiiion-
YALENTIKE VOX. 431
tally in the middle to make sure ; and again the little articles fell, but
r'n they dropped into the hole. Conceiving that this was not exactly
way to win them, he seized the next firmly at one end, and with a
slashing sweep sent it whizzing at them ! ^he struck the stick upon
which the little articles were perched, but those articles dropped as
before into the hole. What could be the meaning of it ? Did he not
throw with sufficient force ? He threw the next more forcibly ; but,
alas ! with the same result.
" Try agin, sir ! yer cam't be off gittin 'em ! Ave another shy I"
Llewellen had another " shy," and another, and another ! The little
articles would faU into the hole.
He therefore changed his tactics in toto; for he had begun very
calmly to reason upon the matter. '^ If,'' thought he, ^' I roll the
stick just over the hole, the little articles wiU fall upon the stick, and,
of course, will not allow them to go in !'' which, in the abstract, was
a very ingenious idea, and he proceeded to act upon it, but found that
the practical part of the business was not quite so easy as he had an-
ticipated. The difficulty was in persuading the sticks to roll "just
over the hole." They wouldn't do it. He tried again and again ; for
he felt, of course, that the theory of the thing was very excellent; but
no : it was not to be dune at least it was not to be done by him ; and
hence he had recourse to the slashing mode again.
^' That's your sort ! yer cam't do better, sir ; that'll beat the
world !" exclaimed the proprietor, who informed his victim every time
he gave him fresh sticks, that "a faint heart never yet won a fair
lady."
Llewellen now threw with desperation he swept all before him, and
at length the little thimble on falling into the hole for about the
fiftieth time absolutely leaped out again ! Well ! that was something.
He seized the prize and presented it to the lady, and then wished to pur-
chase the pincushion. Oh ! the proprietor would not take any money for
it ! it was invaluable to him ! Llewellen went, therefore, again to the
sticks, which he threw as if he wished to knock a house down.
'^ Throw them perpendicularly," said a worthy mechanic, who was
pained to see so much money wasted upon a thing which was not
worth three farthings. " You will never get it fairly down by striking
at the stick."
The proprietor looked at this mechanic with an aspect indicative of
anything but friendship. He wished him dead and buried ; for Llew-
ellen, by acting upon this highly correct suggestion, went alarmingly
near the pincushion at every throw, and did eventually knock it off I
when the proprietor gave another sweet look at the mechanic; and,
conceiving that he had robbed him of a little fortune, felt bound to
inform him that, for " two pins," he'd show him the difference between
them.
Jjlewellen of course was delighted. He picked up the cushion in an
instant, and the very next instant discovered that the cause of its re-
markable tendency towards the hole, was involved in the fact of its
being laden with dirt. Considering, however, the various conflicting
432 LIFE AND ADTBNTVBES OP
cireamstanoes of the caae, he did not explain to the roan his piivata
sentiments upon the point ; but presented the priae with great delicscy
to the hklj, whom he moreover loaded with ginserbread-nuts, of mhvk
she appeared to be remarkably fond, and then left her.
^* Hur tit pckin to think," said he to Valentine, as they walked from
the spot, '^ that hur never shoult be apel to kit it at all, look yon !
There's a pair of peautiful plack eyes I' he added, directing attentioii
to a dirty young woman, whose features were certainly of the most
handsome caste. ^* Phot is she ?*'
^ A gipsy," replied Valentine, as ^e approached them.
^* Shall I tell you your fortuney good gentleman V she enquired,
addressing Llewellen, whom, at a glance, she perceived to be the greeoer
of the two.
** My fortune, pless you ! my fortune is mate !"
^* But I can tell you something much to your advantage. I can tdl
you the lady you love, and who loves you the colour of her hair ^tbe
first letter of her name, and something besides you U be much pleased
to know."
^^ Inteet, then : phot is it, look you ?"
^ Let me see your hand."
Llewellen at once held it forth, and the gipsy proceeded to examioe
the palm with great intensity of feeling to trace the cabalistic lines
in all their varied ramifications, and to look altogether mysterious.
** There is great fortune here, good gentleman," she observed, after
this minute preliminary examination, ^^ great fortune. Just cross
your hand with silver."
^^ That of course is indispensable," said Valentine.
^^ The charm is in the silver," rejoined the gipsy.
And it is a mysterious fact that therein lies the charm. In all mat-
ters of this kind there is infinite virtue in silver.
Of course Llewellen acted quite up to her instructions, when she exa-
mined the palm again very minutely, and looked occasionally into bis
eyes with the view of giving some additional effect to the thing.
^^ You will be married," she observed, in a low tone of voice, ^* before
the present year is out, to the lady you love."
'' Inteet l-^that's coot. Put who is she ?"
*' Her name begins with an L : she is handsome, rather tall, very
rich, has dark brown hair, and a delicate con^iplexion."
" Peautiful ! Well ! ant how many chiltren look you V
^^ 1 can only count eleven ; but you may have more. I can't take
upon myself to say to one.''
*^ Oh, that's quite near enough ! Eleven will too. Well ?*'
*' I see nothing mwe but iat you will always be prosperous and
happy."
'* Her name begins with an L !" thought Valentine. ** Handsome,
rather tall, rich, dark hair, and delicate complexion ! Why, that is
Louise r
'' ShaU I tell 5F0t#r fortune, good gentleman," said the gipsy, who
had a splendid eye to business.
VALENTINE VOX. 433'
*^ No," said Valentine, abruptly.
** Oh, too !" cried Uewellen. " Too, too have it toU."
*' Not I ! Come \** said Valentine, taking Llewellen's ann.
^' I can tell you something which, if it does not please you, good
gentleman, will put you on your guard !"
And this was very ingenuous on the part of the gipsy, and reflected
great credit upon her powers of perception ; for she saw in a moment
that what she had said to liewellen had not imparted much pleasure to
Valentine, and felt that, under the circumstances, a warning was the
only means available by which lie could be caught. '' Beware !'* she
exclaimed, as she followed him. ^' Beware of false friends !" And
this had its effect; but not the effect she desired, for he still kept
on.
^* It is strange," thought he, as they passed through the gate from
the Heath into the Park, *^ very strange : and yet how is it possible
that she can tell ? Phoo ! Absurd ! and even if she could, it would
not follow of necessity that it should be Louise. L is the first letter of
Laura, Lucy, Lucretia, Lydia, Leonora, and many other names which do
not occur to me at the moment ; and why should not one of these be
handsome, rather tall, and rich, with dark hair, and a delicate com-
plexion ? But the idea of her being able to tell is ridiculous T
And so it was : truly ridiculous ; but it was notwithstanding an idea
which he could not repudiate. It continued to to haunt him, and to
make him feel very uncomfortable. In vain he brought reason to bear
upon the point : although he tried very hard to persuade himself that
be ought to feel asham^ of allowing such an absurdity to vex him, he
could not avoid feeling vexed at it still.
" Phot is the matter, look you ? Phy are you so tuU ?'* enquired
Uewellen, whom Valentine, in spite of himself, again regarded with a
feeling of jealousy.
" Dull ! Am I dull ? TVcll, we shall see more to enliven us pre-
sently."
*' Oh ! too let us mount the other hill 1" exclaimed Llewdilen, on
reaching the Observatory. ^^ Look you ! What thousants of people
there are 1"
^' Now then !" cried Valentine, determined to shake off all thought
of the gipsy and her prophecy if possible. '^ Let's have a run."
*^ Apove all things ! come on !" cried Uewellen, who started off at
once very swiftly, valentine stopped to watch him. He had had some
experience upon Thetford hill, and therefore felt that Liewellen would
not loiter long. Nor did he. No man ever made so much haste. His
strides gradually increased in length as he descended, until they became
amazing. He seemed to fly down. No swallow could have beaten
him. He lost his hat, but would not stop to pick even that up, he was
in such a hurry, and when he happily arrived at the bottom, he flew
over about five hundred yards of level ground before he deemed it ex-
pedient to stop.
He then sat down upon the grass and panted freely, while Valentine
descended. But he did not do it half so fost : his was no run at all !
3k
(
434 LIFE AND ABTENTVRES OF
it ^ass in fact, nothing more than a most disgraoeful shuffle. He did,
however, get down eventually, and having secured Llewellen's hat,
reached the spot from which its owner had no immediate disposition to
move.
" Hnr tit peat you there," he cried, " look you ! Put in truth, hnr
tit not mean to come town so fast."
** Have vou hurt yourself at all ?"
^^Oh no, not a pit : put hur might just as well have run against a
tree, as not, for hur tit not see phere hur was coink. Hur lost sight of
everythink, look you ; put hur thought hur could not too much petter
than stretch out my leeks.**
^ Well, come. Shall we mount the other hill, as yon proposed V*
" Oh yes ! ^liur m quite retty," said Llewellen, who rose from the
ground on the instant, and it may he helieved tliat, profiting hy experi-
ence, he actually did not run up tAat hill so hst as he ran down the
other.
On reaching the top, they at once perceived that as &r as life and
gaiety were concerned, it was incomparahly the more attractive hill of
the two. It was less aristociatic than the other. The people were
more free and merry. They laughed more loudly, and chatted more
cheerfully, giving a more extensive scope to the development of their
feelings, and all was in consequence jollity and joy.
The grand point of attraction, however, was the slope of the hill on
the other side, where thousands of comfortahle creatures were seated en-
joying the juvenile revels below. Some had gin in litUe bottles, to
which they applied their lips occasionally ; others had somewhat larger
bottles of beer; others were eating cakes, gingerbread, and oianges^
while others were glancing, and it must be written kissing !
It was pleasing to distinguish the lovers from the rest of those who
formed this extensive amphitheatre of happiness. They sufered not
** concealment like a worm i*the bud, to prey on tAeir damask cheeks!**
they knew better ! They loved ; and were not ashamed to let the
world know it ! while the warmth vriih which they loved did develope
itself in this, that, whereas the ladies sported the hats of the gentlemen,
the gentlemen embellished themselves jnv tem^ with the upper habili-
ments of the ladies. And, oh ! how dearly a lady loves to pat on the
hat of her lover ! ^how well it becomes her ! how cbanningly she
looks ! although, it most be admitted, sometimes a little rakish. Still,
she loves it ; and there vras not a single lady that sported a hat on this
memorable occasion, who tried to conceal this &ct from either her lover
or herself. They all, on the oontnury made the very most of it : they
felt that they looked most bewitching; and so they did ; which is more
than can be said of their lovers, seeing that gentlemen in bonnets, caps,
scarfs, shawls, and tippets, do not look bewitching at all.
The grei^t game going forward below, however, commanded the
special attention both of Valentine and UeweDeii. They saw from
fonr to five hundred lively little jronths with their months widdly ex-
tended, giving the very sharpest poerable look out for the oranges that
were thrown from the brow of the hill. For eadi orange thrown there
VALENTINE VOX. 485
Were, at least a hundred candidates, and the beautiful spirit of emulation
it inspired, imparted a high degree of pleasure to all around. If well
directed, one orange caused fifty youths to fall, which of course was
about one of the purest delights in nature. Scarcely anything, in
foct, can be conceived more delightful to a generous and intellectual
mind, than the process of a mob of little eager individuak rolling over
each other down a hill after an orange which is of course crushed by
him who has the joy to fall upon it. It is useless to throw them at the
heads of the little mob, for they are caught by the dexterous, and cause
no fun : they must be rolled down rapidly to produce the effect desired,
and whenever that effect is produced, what a thrilling sensation of
delight doth it impart !
Of course Llewellen was at it in a moment, and Valentine very soon
joined him. They threw an immense number, and with so much dex-
terity and tact, that they gave great pleasure to all around save one,
and that one was the lady who had supplied them with ammunition.
They had used all her oranges, for which she had had her own price ;
but as she happened to have a lot more at home, she left the spot with
her empty basket, growling gruffly at herself for having been such a
fool as not to bring them out with her.
'' Well," said V alentine, as soon as he found that no more ammuni
tion could be obtained,'* have you anything like an appetite 7*'
^^ An appetite ! pless you, hur never was so huncry ! I coot eat, look
you, anything in the worlt !"
^^Then we had better return to the town at once, and see after
dinner : we shall be able no doubt to get something."
They accordingly descended the hiU, and left the park ; and after
having been stopped by a variety of ladies in long white aprons, who
informed them that they could have at their establishments respectively
excellent accommodation for tea, with all the fascinating smiles at their
command, they sought and found a decent inn in the middle of the
town, where they ordered whatever sort of dinner could be immediately
placed before them.
In less than ten minutes the table was covered. As they had ordered
nothing hot, they had everything cold ; but they nevertheless enjoyed
it, and ate like giants.
The window of the room into which they had been shown commanded
a fine view, not only of the opposite houses, but of the street in which
those houses were situated, together with the people with whom it was
thronged. To this window they, therefore, repaired to enjoy their
wine, and Valentine felt quite resolved to return to town as soon as it
became dark, as he had promised. Llewellou was of course quite op-
posed to such a proceeding; but as Valentine was firm, his oppo-
sition was not urged beyond a certain extent. There, then, they sat,
sipping their port and smoking cigars, highly pleased with the scene
before them, until twilight arrived.
It may, by some few, have been remarked, that a man's feelings
vary. It is strange and mysterious no doubt that they should ; but
that they do, is a sound philosophical tnith which no sophistry can
436 LIFK AND ADTElVTirRBS OF
shake. They will vary ; and as if with the view of proying to demoii-
atration that they wiU, Valentine, who had before felt eo fiimly molved
not to look at the har^ now proposed a walk thiongh it.
Of coarse Ue.wellen was delighted with this propoeitioii, and *^ plesl
the peantifal wine" that had inchiced it. ** Let's ring tiie pdl for the
pill," said he, ^^ ant well oo off at once my poy, look yon."
The bill was therefore ordered, and on its being discharged, they
started direct for the &ir.
The space between the booths was densely crowded. They oonld
scarcely get along, but being in they went forward with the stm^iQgling
stream. The pleasure of being in snch a place is doubtless great,
although involved to some considerable extent in myst^y ; bnt Inden-
tine and UeweUen having resolved to go through it, disdained to retreat,
they kept on, and were driven past many great attractionfl, at which
they had not time even to look until they arrived at the top, where a
rush was made, and in an instant the crowd was wedged in !
*^ Now then, take care of your pockets,'' said Valentine, who sffl
stuck close to Llewellen, and who understood the movement exactly.
'^They must be clever inteet to kit anything out of me," said liew-
ellen, with a chuckle which denoted security; and by drawing the tails
of his coat forward, he covered all his pockets at once with his hands.
The mass now moved to and fro for some moments very gently; but
presently the women began to scream, and, singulaily enough, the
very instant they left off screaming, the pressure relaxed, and all were
able to move.
*' Too let us CO into that show," said Llewellen, when the mass had
given way, '' I shoot to like to co into one.*'
" Very well," said Valentine, ' I am quite willing. We may ss
well go up at once."
Up accordingly they went, and on reaching the place at which the
money was taken, Llewellen could not find his purse.
^* I told you," said Valentine, on being informed of this interesting
fact, '' to take care of your pockets."
*' And so hur teet !" cried Llewellen, '^ until the cirb pecan to scream !
There were two little tears just pehind me, nearly smuttert : of course
hur teet all hur coot for them !"
^^ And while you were doing all you could for them, the little dears
rebbed you of your purse.
Phot the cirls !"
*' Of course ! They are the most successful and dexterous pick-
pockets we have. Whenever you hear them scream in a crowd Iftc
that, look to your pockets. They do not scream because they are hurt:
the fellows whom they are with protect them."
'' The little tevils. Oh ! hur vnsh hur hat known it ! Put new
mint, yon are all right, that's a plessing."
The entertainments of the evenin? were varied and attractive. In
the bills at which they glanced, while a brigand was bawling " AU
in ! all in !" it was announced that the performances would commence
with a serio-historical tragedy, called The Speechlef9 Spectre ; or^ the
TALENTINB VOX. 4S7
San^inary Stah : after which, there would be an infinite variety of
comic einging : the whole to oonolnde with the celebrated pantomimic
pantomine of How are ym off for ChipM f
This promised a highly intellectaal treat ; and on reaching the in-
terior of the theatre-^which they did, by divinff through a Luge hole
in a blanket, which appeared to have been established expressly for the
purpose they found " the house crowded to the oeilii^."
The aristocracy, of course, were duly separated from the democracy.
There wete both pit and boxes ; and, as in theatres of larger dimensions,
they convert the worst part of the pit into stalls ; so here, as the crowd
poured in, they stuck up an additional plank, and called it boxes;
which boxes were immediately filled with the ilite^ to the imminent
danger of their necks.
When all had been thus satisfactorily arranged, the curtain rose and
the tragedy commenced. An individual who appeared to have, for
several months, repudiated the practice of shaving, stole in, and after
bouncing about the stage like a maniacal individual, and making a
variety of desperate attempts, stabbed a lady who was sleeping
upon a plank, placed so as to convey the idea of a couch, and who
gave a loud scream, and all was over. This finished the first act ;
and then came the second. The murderer entered with a number
of his associates, dressed in a variety of styles, from that of the duke
to that of the dustman ^for he evidently kept all sorts of society and
when he had said something which appeared to be highly satirfactory
to them all, two sweet ladies entered ; but no sooner had he taken the
hand of one of them, than the elements let loose their fury ! the
thunder roared ! and the lightnings flashed 1 and the rain came down in
torrents ! Oh ! dreadful were the feelings of the murderer then I A
gong was heard ! all nature shook I from a hole in the earth, white
smoke arose, and the Speechless Spectre stood before him ! The
murderer trembled ! of course be trembled ! he must have been in a
horrible way. He tried to speak ! in vain he tried ! but while he was
trying, an infinite host of merry devils ran up to him with links, and
dragged him down into the bowels of the earth, as the blue fixe blazed
and the elements crashed !
Thus ended the historical tragedy : the moral of which was, that in
Nature there is such a thing as retributive justice. The comic singing
came next, and then the pantomime; and as the performances concluded
in less than ten minutes from the period at which they commenced, it
vrill be highly correct to state, that the attention of Uie audience was
kept all alive from first to last.
As they came out on one side, hundreds who had assembled on the
stage in front, were waiting to go in at the other : which was pleasant
to all concerned in the speculation, and tended to show the highly in-
tellectual character of the age.
'* Now let us CO into that lonk pooth, look you," sud Llewellen,
'' in wiiich they were tancink."
** It is getting rather late," said Valentine ; ^' I think we had better
return."
^38 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
" Well, well ! put only just to look !"
Valentine consented ; and after Btruggling back through the ciowd
for some distance, they reached the entrance of a brilliantly illuminated
booth, which at tliat particular period was called the Crown and Anchor.
On the right as they entered, rows of benches, and planks in the simi-
litude of tables were established for the accommodation of those who
loved to pick perri winkles and shrimps, while discussing gin-and-
water in mugs; while on the left about five hundred couples were
engaged in the performance of an extremely picturesque country dance.
To the left, therefore, Valentine and Uewellen went at once, and
found the dancers looking all hot and happy. The freedom with which
they perspired was perfect, while they seemed to breathe nothing but
dust.
As in his innocence Valentine conceived that the place must be ven-
tilated somewhere, they went to the upper end, but there they found it
hotter still, and more dusty. They very soon, however, became accus-
tomed to the thing ; and while Llewellen was seeking a partner, Va-
lentine sat upon one of the tables to look on.
It may here be remarked that this booth, at that period, was
a celebrated place of assignation; and that the ruin of thousands
of poor weak girls might be dated from their ^rst introductioD
therein. It was not a place for the amusement of the lower classes of
society ^at least not as far as the men were concerned. The dubs of
the West End, and the counting-houses of the city poured forth their
hundreds on these occasions in search of virtue to corrupt ; and as they
invariably introduced those whom they meant to destroy, there, it ii
length became difficult indeed to find a female who wished to preserve
her virtue, if even she happened to have any to preserve.
Valentine was not aware of this when he entered, but it soon became
manifest that that was not the place for really innocent enjoyment.
Llewellen, however, had diametrically opposite ideas on this subject,
at that moment. He had managed to get a partner, and she was a
flamer : her face was as red as the sun as it declines, and her dress was
as red as her face. She was tall and stout, very hot, but very active,
and when she laughed she did it flEiirly from ear to ear. With such a
partner, at such a time, of course, Llewellen could not but feel meiry,
and as he was not a small man, it really was an awful thing for Uioee
against whom they came in contact.
While they were thus happily engaged, a larse party of gentlemen-
each of whom had a nice penny trumpet, which he played in the most
engaging manner possible ^marched round the booth. Oh, it was such
sport, and they looked so interesting, and felt so happy ! Some of them
had masks on, while others were attired as fresh-water sulors, but the
style in which they dressed was of little importance, the thing was so
truly delightful : for they not only looked most valiant, hut made ^^ most
healthful music."
*'^ Now my tear," said Llewellen, when the dance had concluded.
^^ Phot will you have to trink ? Put first allow me, look you, to intro-
duce you to my frient?"
VALENTINE VOX. 43D
The introduction took place with due formality, and Valentine felt
himself, of course, highly honoured : and as the lady immediately after
the introduction, declared that she preferred brandy-and-water to any
other thing, of course, brandy-and- water was immediately ordered.
" It is rather warm work I should imagine," observed Valentine,
addressing the flame of Llewellen.
" It is indeed warm," said the lady, ^' but then I don't mind it."
'* Have you been dancing much this evening V*
" Ever since they commenced."
" You have friends with you of course ?"
" No ; I expected to meet some here, but they have not yet arrived."
The waiter now brought the brandy and water, and the lady having
taken a very fair sip, politely passed it to Llewellen.
*^ Too you call this pranty and water !" cried Llewellen, after having
put his lips to it.
* Yes, sir, brandy and water, sir, you ordered I believe, sir.**
" Put this is pranty and water without pranty, look you."
" They never give you anything l)etter here," said the lady. " If you
want a glass of good brandy and water you must go to one of the
houses out of the fair."
" Well, come then, let's co ; bur can't trink this !"
" Oh, with all my heart !* said Valentine, who was really very anx-
ious to get out of the place.
" Now, my tear, are you retty V*
^' Don*t take her with you," said Valentine, having drawn Llewellen
aside.
" Phy not ? She's a coot cirl ! hur know she's a coot cirl."
'* I am quite at your service," said the lady, who at this moment
took Uewellen's arm.
^^ I am afraid that we are taking you from that which you much
enjoy," observed Valentine, with great consideration.
'* Not at all !*' cried the lady, " I can return if I wish it. I should
like a breath of air above all things."
Of course there was no help for it then ; and as such was the case,
why they left the booth together.
The space between the gingerbread stalls was not quite so much
crowded as before, and the consequence was that Llewellen was pulled
into almost every one of them expressly for the purpose of pressing to
buy nuts.
The seductive arts of the ladies who attend these stalls surpass nature.
They are so zealous, their importunities are so fascinating, that it ia
almost impossible to resist them. Llewellen on two occasions felt com-
pelled to make a purchase. They laid violent hands upon him ; they
would not let him pass, and as it was perfectly immaterial to the lady
whom he was with, how many nuts he bought for her, for of course she
had them all, she with admirable forbearance abstained from pressing
him forward when she conceived he was most in danger of being
seduced.
They did, however, eventually get out of the fair, and when that
important feat had been accomplished, Llewellen's lady led them to an
440 L1F AND ADVENTURBS OF
inn, in which the people were eii^ing very loadly* Vakntiiie wu not
at all anxious to enter, but ae LleweUen ezplanied thai he oonld not
with aof degree of propriety refuae to give tiie hdy aome faraDdj-and -
water, i^ter having induced h^ to leave the booth, expressly in order
to point out the puce, they went in.
** Oh, do come into one of the rooms to hear them ung !" aaid the
lady.
'^ Of course !*' said LleweUen; and they entered a room in which
between two and three hundred persons were sitting. In the mouth of
every man there was a pipe, and in the mouth of every woman, a
gingerbread nut. And they were all getting tipsy ; and they looked
upon themselves as being just as good as the best, and caied for no
man ! Why should they ? This question they wished very much to
have answered
** Silence for the next harmony !" was now loudly commanded, and
a gentleman volunteered to sing a song for a lady who had been called
upon in vain. He conunenoed. It was a plaintive ditty, and he
had an extremely small voice ; but at the end of the veise, to hb utter
amazement, he had a chorus which broke forth like thunder. In vain
the little volunteer expostulated with them ' in vain he explained that
the song had no chorus ; a chorus they would have ! and they had it
throughout, and as it harmonized sweetly, Valentine and Uewellen at
once left the room.
**Well," said Valentine, as they walked towards the place firom
which the coaches started, ** what do you think of Greenwich
Fair?"
** Phy, I think it very coot, look you, very coot inteet.'*
^* Then, of course, you do not think that it ought to be suppressed ?"
^' Suppressed ! No ; do you think it ought to be suppressed V*
^' As far as the fair is concerned, I most certainly do."
^^ Put surely you are not one of those who would take away the in-
nocent pleasures of the poor !"
" On the contrary, 1 would extend them : but the suppression of
this &ir would not at all interfere with the innocent pleasures of the
poor. Let them assemble on these occasions as usual : let the beauti-
ful park be thrown open to them as now : let them enjoy themsdves
there ; and there the poor do enjoy themselves who seek only pleasures
which are innocent."
" Put the shows," said LleweUen, *' the shows I"
^* If they are fond of dramatic entertainments let them go to the
theatres. They can see there far more inteUectual and attractiTe per-
formances than any that can be seen at the &ir, and that too at the
same price. The foir itself is a mere nursery of immorality and crime,
and as its suppression could not in the slightest degree diminidi the in-
nocent pleasures of the poor, my firm conviction is that it ought to be
suppressed as a glaringly dangerous nuisance."
They now entered a coach, and, as it started immediately, LleweUen
immediately dropped off to sleep, and did not wake until they arrived
at Charing-cross.
VALENTINE VOX. 441
CHAPTER LIII.
IN WHICH A CERTAIN INTERESTING QUESTION IS PROPOSED.
When ValeDtin^ called the next morning upon Louise, he found her in
the very act of lecturing Llewellen with severity ; she had him on the
80&, and nothing could exceed the intensity of feeling with which she
insisted upon his making a full confession of all the circumstances con-
nected with their visit to the fair, but more especially those which had
direct reference to what they did, whom they saw, and what induced
them to keep out so late.
At first Llewellen made an extremely clear and straightforward
statement ; but as ladies in general conduct matters of this kind in the
spirit of the celebrated Spanish Inquisition, so Louise in this parti-
cular instance, although professing the discovery of truth to be her
object, would not believe truth when it appeared, because its appearance
did not meet her views. Llewellen was therefore subjected to a very
searching cross-examination, during which she managed so to confuse his
faculties, that at length he knew neither what to say, what he meant
to say, nor what he had said ; and as, under these peculiarly pleasing
circumstances, she, with infinite presence of mind, recapitulated the
evidence and proved it thereby to be one chaotic mass of contradictions,
he started up the very instant Valentine entered, exclaiming, '^ My tear
poy ! hur*m so clad you're come ; she*s pin patchering me apout this
pisiness until hur ton't know inteet t' cootness phether nur'm standing
upon my bet or my heels."
*' What business ?" inquired Valentine, as he approached Louise.
'^ Don't come near me, sir, until you have explained your conduct."
Valentine looked at Llewellen as if he really did not understand it
exactly ; but Llewellen on the instant threw a light on the subject by
exclaiming, ^* It's apout the fair, pless you I hur never was so patgert
in all my pom tays.
"Oh, the fair!" cried Valentine, "just so. Well, let us sit down
and explain all about it."
*' Hur '11 have no more to too with the pisiness," cried Llewellen,
approaching the window. " Hur've hat quite enough. Hur'll leave
you to it : Cot pless you ! hur wish you joy !"
^' Now then, Louise, what am I to explain ?"
" Your conduct sir, at that wicked fair. I know that it's a wicked
place : I'm sure of it !"
" You are quite right : it is a wicked place, and I may say that
perhaps Fred and I were two of the most wicked persons that were
present."
At this point Llewellen turned and looked quite bewildered.
" His conduct," continued Valentine, " was probably more dreadful
than mine ; but I confess to you that mine was bad enough."
" Coot !" cried Llewellen, whose countenance relaxed.
3l
442 LIFB AKD ADTKNTURES OF
*^ I know," said Louise, *' that you are a very clever creature ; but I
am not to foe induced to believe that you are better, because you choose
to represent yourself ironically as being worse, than you really are."
" Oh," cried Llewellen, " we were poth pat poys."
" Hold your tongue, sir. I was not addressing you."
** If you wish to know seriously," said Valentine, ** how we passed
our time there, I can assure you that we did so most innocently and
pleasantly. We saw thousands of happy people in the paik, and
thousands more upon the river, upon the heath, and in the town, and
as it was on the whole a most adivening scene, I shall never regret
having visited Greenwich."
** Upon my word," said Louise, " your explanation is very lucid and
very minute. I ought, I am sure, to feel obliged to you for bdng so
explicit, for I find that I can make nothing of either of you !"
Louise, however, did not despair. She privately made up her
mind to subject Llewellen to another severe cross-examination the very
rst opportunity, feeling certain of being by such means enabled even-
tually to elicit the truth.
The subject was then dropped, and Llewellen who did not mudi
like the idea of Valentine being let off so easily, aft what he himself
had endured began to whistle, which act being invariably indicative
of a desire on his part to go out, Louise well understood, and tberefora
cried, '^ Fred, Fred ! If you want to go out again, 0 ; for goodness
sake, don't annoy us with that dreadful whistling ; roiUy, one may just
as well be in Smithfield."
" Come, my tear poy !" cried Llewellen. " We've cot leave to co.*
** You have sir; but Valentine wishes to remain.''
Which was an absolute fact : he did wish to remain ; for although
he was not inclined to put the smallest faith in the gipsy's prophecy,
he found that it had made a deep impression on his mind, and was
therefore most anxious to have a httle strictly private conversation with
Louise, on a subject which bore directly upon the point. Of this,
however, Louise was entirely unconscious. When she suggested that
Valentine wished to remain, she did so on speculation merelyTout albeit,
that speculation answered her views as far as the wish of itself was
concerned, it signally failed to realise the hope she entertained of gettii^
rid of Llewellen. He was as anxious to go out as any man comd be;
but then without Valentine nothing oould induce him to stir from the
house. Where he went, his '' tear poy^' also must eo, which, on that
occasion, Valentine as well as Louise thought particu&rly disagreeable.
** Fred, I wish you would fetch Poodle's Poems from thelibraiy/'
said Louise, who had conceived a vague notion that Valentine was
anxious to communicate something in private.
^^ Pootle's Poems. Phery coot," said Llewellen, who proceeded to
the library in search of them, at once.
^ Do you feel at all disposed for a walk f ' inquired Valentine.
** Quite : I should enjoy it : but then we shall have that pest with
us."
** Oh, we shall be able to get rid of him. You can send him soid-
VALBNTINB TOX. 443
where when we get out; let me see oh ! send him for some ribbon or
anything of that sort."
** The only question is, will he go V
^* No doubt of it If hell go for Poodle's Poems, hell go for any-
thing. Let him walk with us, for instance, as far as the Horse Quards,
and then we can tell him where to find us in the park."
^ *^ Well, what will be the best thing to send him lor? Let me con-
sider,'' said Louise, and while she was engaged with this high consider-
ation, Llewellen re-entered the room. ^' Inteet hur can't nnt Pootle's
Poems," said he. ^' There's Gowper's ant Pyron's, putt tevil of any
PootleV'
^* You are a very stupid creature," said Louise, who could scarcely
keep her countenance.
*^ Phell I putt there are no Pootle's poems, look you ! Is it a pig
pook?"
" No matter. It's of no importance now."
" We are going for a walk," said Valentine, " will you join us V
'' Of course : putt just come with me, my poy, while Louey is putting
on her ponnet, and see if you can fint this Pootle's pook. Inteet hur
can't see it, look you !"
" Oh, never mind : the book is not wanted now. You will not be
long, Louise V
" Scarcely a moment."
^^ I say, Fred," said Valentine, when Louise had left the room.
" What was the matter this morning ?"
^^ Oh, Louey was poring and pothering me apout the fair, ant although
hur tolt her everything putt apout the cockshy pisiness and the pooUi,
she questioned me just like a parrister, look you, until hur titn't know
inteet phot hur was apout. Putt hur say, my poy, phere shaU we go ?
Hur wish that little tevil, look you, woultn't co with us."
*^ Oh, we must take her out you know sometimes, poor eirl !"
^* Yes, yes : putt she is such a pore. Hur say ! phill this blue coat
too to waUc with a latey, look you ?"
^' Oh, that will do ; but ruu away and put on another if you like."
'* Phery coot. Hur'll not pe half a secont."
^ You need not hurry yourself. You know how like an hour a
lad3r's moment is, doubtless."
Immediately after Llewellen left the room Louise entered, and Valen*
tine thought that he never saw her look so really beautiful. He took
her hands and pressed them, and gazed upon her fervently and ez
claimed, ^* My own Louise l" and kiased her I
Louise blushed deeply, but was silent.
^^ Phot too you thmk of my new pottle-creen ?" cried LleweUen, as
he bounced into the room, and buttoned his coat, and looked over his
left shoulder, and turned round and round with the view of displaying
his figure to the best advantage possible. '^ Ton't you think it looks
pherry peautiful and smart V
^* Oh, very," said Valentine, but Louise said nothing, although she
wished him at Wales then, more heartily than ever.
444 LIFB AND ADVBirTURfiS OP
UeweUen was amazed that she failed to proDooDoe upon his boitk^-
green coat, seeing that generallj she took particoLir interest in those
matters, and made him wear jnst what the pleased, and voy few
articles of dress indeed had he, with which the expression of her plesr-
sure had heen nnqualified. At anj other time she might haTe
given her opinion upon the suhject with some fireedom, bnt her
thoughts were then engaged on a matter of greater moment, and Uew-
eUen therefore natnraSj attributed her silence to what he conoeiTod to
be a fiict, that his new bottle-green was a thing with which no fimlt
whatever could be found.
They now started, and as they walked towards the point they had
proposed, Louise and Valentine wei both extremely thoughtful not
dull but in the silent enjoyment of those happy feelings which spring
from reciprocal love. Occasionally their eyes met, and then they would
smile, but with such an expression ! the soul of each seemed to com-
mune with the other.
'^ Oh Fred !" exclaimed Louise, suddenly starting, as they reached
the Horse Guards, as if something of importance had just occurred to
her. " Will you do me a favour ?"
" Any thing in the worlt !"
*' Run, then, there's a good creature, and desire Bull the butcher to
send home that beef."
"Phot! is it for tinner?"
" Desire him to send it immediately.^
Phery coot ; phere toes he live ?"
At the top of this street youll see a church, and then inquire of
any one. Come back to us. We shall be in the Park : but keep on
that, the south side of the water."
LleweUen promised to be back as soon as possible, and started off in
search of the undiscoverable butcher.
" Poor Fred !" said Louise, as they entered the Park. ^' Upon my
word it is almost too bad."
And so it was in reality : and therefore, as he had been directed to
keep on the south side of the water, they immediately proceeded to the
north.
If any doubt had remained in Valentine's mind having reference to
the feelings of Louise with respect to Llewellen, this proceeding would
at once, have dispeUed it : but he spumed the gipsy s prophecy, and
utterly repudiated the idea of Llewellen being m any shape his rival;
still he felt that he might as well make *' assurance doubly sure" by
virtue of coming at once to the point.
Louise knew that a crisis was at hand and the quickness with
which ladies generally discover these things is really very surprising
she knew as well as Valentine himself knew that something relatmg
to something which had not before been mentioned was about to be
communicated, and therefore she clung to him more closely than ever,
and waited with breathless impatience for him to speak, for as the subject
was one of deep interest, she conceived it to be entitled to the most pro-
found attention.
TALEMTINB VOX. 445
For some considerable time not a syllable was breathed: they
walked upon the grass very slowly, and felt very oddly ; but although
the impatience of Louise did prompt her to peep in order to ascertain
what was going on next door, not a single word on either side was
uttered. Valentine knew that he had to put a question; but how
was that question to be put ? He felt pumled. He had conceived it to
be a mere matter-of-fact kind of thing which caused simple people only
to feel embarrassed ; but he now iound that if indeed such were the
case, he was one of the most simple creatures breathing.
It is not perhaps to be with truth asserted that men who are anxious
to marry for wealth or convenience merely, experience these feelings of
embarrassment at such a time in any great degree. They in ^neral
find no difficulty at all about the matter : they manage the prelmiina-
ries like men of business; they put the grand question as a purely com-
mercial matter of course, and come to the point without any unneces-
sary nonsense. It is however questionable whether any man who sin-
cerely and tenderly loved ever did or ever could do the thing quite so
coolly. It is perfectly certain that Valentine could not, for he felt very
droll, and thought himself very stupid.
'^ Louise !" said he at length. " Shall we sit down, Louise V
Louise looked at him archly, and smiled, and then said, ^' Why
I have no objection !"
Very well! This was quite satisfactory as far as it went; and
they did sit down, but were silent again ; which Louise thought par-
ticularly tiresome. She wished he would say what he had to say,
really, and yet she felt half afraid to hear it : she knew not why she
should have this feeling, but this feeling she certainly had, despite her
natural anxiety to give him every encouragement to begin. Still in
silence they continued to sit she playing with the fringe of her Lilli-
putian parasol, and he wringing the necks of the buttons of his waist-
coat with his watch -guard until he began to think that this never
would do, when he summoned all liis courage and spoke !
" Louise," said he, softly. *' Upon my word I am very stupid."
" What a number of new and interesting observations you have made
this morning !" exclaimed Louise, playfully, conceiving that she might
perhaps encourage him in that way. " You have really become more
entertaining than ever. One would imagine that you had something on
your mind which pressed very, very heavily !*'
" I certainly have something on my mind, Louise, which makes me
feel very, very awkward. Can you not guess what it is V
" Now how is that possible? Can you guess I know you are
very clever ^but can you guess what is passing at this moment in my
mind V
" I think that I am sufficiently clever for that ! Yon are thinking
of precisely the same thing as that which occupies my thoughts !"
'^ Dear me ! what an extraordinary coincidence ! But what were
you thinking of?"
^^ The day," replied Valentine, taking her hand.
446 LIFE AND ADYINTUBSS OF
''Oh! the day! Well, it leaUy is a fine day. The san, it is trae,
is lather wann, but then the breeze is extremely refreshing/'
'^ You are a rogue, Louise. You know that I do not mean this day,
but that on which we are both to be made happy."
'* That on which we are both to be made happy? Are you not
happy now ?"
^ Not nearly so happy as I hope to be then. I expect^ Louise, thai
that will be indeed a happy day."
'^ Well, I'm sure I hope it may be : but what particular day do you
mean?"
'^ The day," said Valentine, earnestly, '' on whidi we are to be united."
'^ Oh !'' said Louise, between a whisper and a ngh, and she began to
pick the fringe of her parasol again ; for althou^ she had deemed it
moumbent upon her to accelerate Valentine's arrival at that interesting
point, concoiving that nothing at all could be done if both were embar-
rassed at one and the same time, she now found that it was her turn to
feel rather droll, and it really was a moment of veiy deep interest.
'' Louise," said Yalentine, who now began to feel a little better ;
'^ Louise : when is that happy day to be ?"
Louise was silent, but she tugged at the fringe with more violence
than ever.
'* I need not, my dearest," continued Valentine, '^ explain howsinoerely,
how fondly I love you : I feel that you already know it alL Tell me,
therefore, comei when when is it to be?"
*' Indeed," sud Louise, " I know nothing at all about it."
" Do you prefer May to June V
^* Really I ^it is such a curious question !"
** Perhaps it is, but I think it one which might be very easily
answered.**
*^ But I don't know how to answer it. Upon my word, I I have
had no experience in such matters ^I never had to answer such a
question before."
" Indeed^I never for a moment supposed that you had ; but what
can be in rdity more simple ? Assuming I wiU if you please put it
so ! $9uminff that you were about to become a dear little vrife, in
which month. May or June, would you prefer befaig married ?"
'' Why, I don't know, I cannot tell, really ; but I think that if I
were ever to be placed in that dreadful position, I should perhaps like
June rather better than May."
^* Louise ! ^let us come to the point : we have known each other
long enough to know each other well. I know you to be a
tiresome little creature, upon whom the happiness of my whole fife
depends, and you know me to be the most handsomo-^I think the
most handsome and perhaps the most afiectionate fellow that ever
breathed, who will study to do all in his power to make yon
wretched. Under these frightful circumstances now, what say you,
shall we, my sweet girl, be married in June V
" Marry ? I marry ? in June ? ^however ecmU sueh a fency have
entered your head ?"
J
TALENTINB TOX. 447
'^ I cannot pretend to be able to explain the exact process ; but most
certainly yon introdaoed it among otiier strange fancies which I occa-
sionally entertain when inclined to gire a party of that description.
But Louise, are you conscious of the fact that you have not yet given
me an answer ?"
'* I really I don't at ail know I ^how can I possibly ^it is such
a question- you have taken me so much by surprise I don't know
how to give an answer, really."
" Let me teach you say ' yes.' It will save a world of trouble.
Say ' yes' and have done with it. Take my advice, and say ^yes.'
^' But do you think now, really, that tliis is a strictly proper ques-
tion to put to me V
*' Why I think that I thought so, or I don't think I should have
proposed it."
^^ Have you forgotten that I have a father ?"
" By no means.
^* Have you ever named the subject to him ?"
*' Never directly. But of course he is prepared to receive the dread*
ful blow. He has, I have no doubt, been waiting some considerable
period for us to inflict it."
^ But do you not conceive that he is the first person to whom such
a subject as this should be named ?"
'* Why, Louise, I like you have had but little experience in these
matters ; but I really thought that he was the second : I did indeed.
If however you imagine that in the present afflicting state of things, he
ought to be the first, I will first obtain his answer, provided you pro-
mise me fiiithfiilly now, that if he should say yes and I shall strongly
advise him to do so your answer will be tlie same."
*^ Why I am bound of course to act in obedience to my father's
wishes : you would not^ I feel sure, in the event of such an answer
being returned, have me act in opposition to him !"
*' IBdteve me, not for the world! It is then understood: if he
should say ^ yes, let it take place in June,' you will also say ^ yes, let
it take*place in June ;' that is to say in other words, that you are per-
fectly willing that it should take place then, if he has no particular
objection. That is it I apprehend?"
^' You are a very teasing creature ; FU have nothing more to say to
you on the subject."
^^ Until I have obtained the consent of your father?"
^ Indeed I'm not going to answer any more questions. You in-
vdgled me here, I perceive, expressly in order to tease me, and now
if you please well return."
It was natural, ^perhaps, highly natural, ^that during this brief,
but, to the parties concerned, deeply interesting conversation, Llew-
ellen should have been altogether forgotten, or nothing could have been
urged to excuse their obhvion in this particular; for they actually
thought of him no more than if he had not been at all in existence,
until they rose to return, when they happened to see him on the oppo*
site nde deeply engaged in the delightful occupation of feeding the ducks.
448 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
There is in all probability no species of pleasure at once so exciting,
so ffenerous, and so pure, as that which springs from the strictly philo-
sofmical process of feeding these acute and deeply interesting birds.
They are so highly intelligent, so sensible ; they know as weU when
they have got a bit of biscuit in their bills as possible ! They will
swallow it, and enjoy it, and dart after more, and fight and plunder
each other like Christians. It is delightful to observe the dignity with
which they assert their clsdm to whatever they can get. It really
affords a great social lesson ; for although in the Park the majority are
foreigners, they insist upon having equal rights with the natives ; and
as the natives are not sufficient^ strong to put them down, they ac-
commodate themselves to those republican principles which have of
late years in spite of them obtained.
Under all these circumstances, then, it will not be deemed marvellous
that Llewellen's attention could not be drawn to the opposite side of
the water ; and as such was the case, Louise and Valentine were com-
pelled to go round, where they surprised him in the very act of playing
with a mob of little Muscovites, that by dint of zealous dill3ring he had
seduced upon land.
^' Where on earth have you been !" cried Louise, as they ap-
proached him.
" Phere have you pin V retorted Llewellen, " hurVe pin pack here
a long time ! Phell !*' he continued with a mournful expression,
*^ there'll pe no peef for tinner to tay ! Inteet hur can't fint the putcher,
look youl"
'^ What !" exclaimed Louise.
^* Nopotty knows Pull the putcher at all !"
" Did you ever !"
*' PheU hur ton't care ; hur tit all her coot to fint him out ; bar
phent into all the shops; but no,^-ephery potty laught phen hur
mquirt, put nopotty knew anything apout any putcher named Pull."
'* This is always the case," said Louise; " I don't think, Fred, that I
shall ever ask you to do me anotlier favour while I live."
*^ Hur can't help it. Hur knew you't co on ; put hur tit all hur
coot, ant phith the tirection phich you cave me, the tevil himself cootn't
fint Pull the putcher."
^^ Well, come Louise," said Valentine, *^ say no more about it. It
is not I presume of any very great importance. You had better, per-
haps, show Fred at once where Bull lives, and then he will know
where to find him."
*' Yes too, Louey, come ; hur shoot like apove all things in the worlt
to know phere he's to be fount, for hur huntit him in ephery tirection.
It phill not take you mucb out of the phay, look you come !"
^^ Indeed, sir, I shall not do anything of the sort," said Louise, pinch-
ing Valentine's arm very severely; " it people are so extremely stupid
as to be actually unable to find out the shop of a butcher, I really don't
feel myself bound to take any trouble with them at alL As to yon,
sir," she added, addressing Valentine, ** you ought to be ashamed of
having made such a suggestion : I beg that the subject may not be
renewed. "
VALENTINE VOX. 449
Llewellen now conceived that she was indeed very angiy, and there-
fore said nothing more ahont it ; and as Valentine had no desire to
induce him to suspect that he had been plajed with, the propriety of
adopting the suggestion he had offered was not urged. They at once
proceeded home ; and, although the lovers were not quite so silent as
before, they were still very thoughtful, and would, to common ob-
servers, have appeared very dull.
Of course Valentine felt himself bound under the circumstances to
dine there that day. It is true he thought a( one time that it might
perhaps be better to excuse himself, in order that both he and Louise
might reflect upon what had happened, before he took the next step ;
but having considered the matter for a moment, he felt that this would
be quite unnecessary, seeing that while he had firmly made up his
mind, he had not the smallest doubt that she had as firmly made up
hers ; and that therefore the subject might as well be named to Raven
without any further delay.
He accordingly consented to remain, and continued to amuse himself
in the garden with Llewellen until they were summoned to dinner,
when he found that in honour of the occasion Louise had taken pains
to look more than usually attractive. Her manner was however much
altered ; ^e was far more reserved, spoke but little, and felt in some
slight degree embarrassed.
" You are not yourself to-day, my girl," said Raven, on noticing
this change, '' who has been putting you out ?"
" Oh, pless you, she's only pin plowink me up," said Llewellen,
** pecause hur cootn't fint, look you, Mr. Pull the putcher!"
" Indeed, sir, you are mistaken,'' cried Louise, *' and I beg that you
will be silent."
" What, have you been changing your butcher, my girl ?** inquired
Raven.
" No, it is only his stupidity he gets worse and worse."
" "Well, but I thought Scraggs supplied us ?"
" Of course," replied Louise.
" Putt you said Pull! Titnt she say Pull, my poy ? Oh ! hur'll
take my oath slie sait Pull."
Did you ever know any one so stupid V
" Perhaps," observed Raven, " he was thinking of bull beef !'
Oh ! as likely as not," cried Louise.
xrernaps, ODseryeu xiAYen, " oe was inmKing oi uuii oeei f"
^' Putt too you mean to say that you titn't say Pull?"
^ Good gracious hold your tongue Fred, and don't be so silly !"
" Putt bur say, Louey, look you, ^too you mean Louey too you
mean to say that you titn't tell me Pull V
'* I mean, sir, to say nothing more on the subject. I am ashamed
of you."
'* Doubtless," observed Raven, ^^ the mistake originated in the re-
markable similarity of the names."
" Phot, petween Pull and Scraggs !" cried Llewellen, " phell, coot-
ness knows ! putt is it propaple; is it, look you, at all ? oh ! ^pesites
hur know Scraggs, look you; putt she sait Pull I
3 M
450 LIFE AND ADTENTURES OF
^* Yoa had better say no more abont the matter," said Louise, *^ I'm
sorry you expose yourself in this way."
^' Never mind, Fred," said Raven, ^^ mistakes will occur ; let me
send you a little more Bsh/'
liewellen had no objection to a little more fish, but he had an
objection a very serious objection to its being supposed that he
had mistaken the name of Scraggs for that of Bull. He would not
however sufier that circumstance to interfere at all with his dinner : he
ate heartily ^fiercely ; but he made up his mind to have the thing
satis&ctorily cleared up anon.
The dinner therefore passed off without any farther allusions being
made to the afiair; and when Liewellen began to exhibit strong
symptoms of a very deep anxiety to renew it, Valentine happily
started a subject which precluded the possibility of its bdng hedged in.
In due time Louise made her exit, and as she had previously
intimated to Liewellen that she had something of importance to
communicate to him in the drawing-room, he almost immediately
followed, leaving Raven and Valentine alone.
Of course Valentine perfectly understood this arrangement, although
he had had nothing whatever to do with it. He knew for what pur-
pose Liewellen haa been withdrawn, and he also knew that his absence
would in all probability be prolonged, inasmuch as Louise, if she could
but get him near the piano after dinner, had the marvellous fiiculty of
playing him to sleep. He therefore made up his mind to speak to
Raven on the subject at once. He felt certainly rather awkward at
the moment, and scarcely knew how to begin ; but being encouraged
by the conviction that the consent which he was about to solidt would
not be withheld, he conquered his scruples and commenced.
^' Mr. Raven," said he, replenishing his glass as if about to propose
a toast, which invariably fixed Raven's attention, it being a practice of
which he was particularly fond, *' Mr. Raven : the umfonn kindness
vnth which you have received me, and for which I shall ever feel
deeply indebted, induces me to hope that you will entertain that which
I am now most anxious to propose."
^' Certainly ; by aU means," said Raven, who fiUed his glass, and
listened attentively again.
'^ The affection which exists between Louise and myself" continued
Valentine, ^' I believe to be mutual and firm."
'* I have no doubt of it," said Raven, '* no doubt of it in the
world."
*' And as you have never appeared to discountenance the growth
of that afiEection, I am encouraged to believe that you have no dmre to
check it now."
'^ None at all, my boy : not the least in life."
*' Such being the case, then, my present object is to obtain your con-
sent 'to our union."
'* My dear boy," said Raven, '* you have it ! I ffive it freely, and
at once. I will not disguise from you how hi^ly I admire your
character, and as I feel that as a husband you will be faithfiil and
VALENTINE TOX. 451
affectionate^ take her, and may every earthly blessing throughout life
be yours. God bless you both !*' he added, raising the glass to his
lips, as the tears stood and sparkled in his eyes. ^' fiut I am sure you
will be happy : I am quite sure of that. She is a good girl : I know
that she is a good girl, and as a wife will be all that a man can
desire."
He then drank off his wine, and having instantly replenished, pro-
posed the health of Louise in a bumper.
'* Louise and I," said Valentine, when with heartfelt pleasure he had
done honour to the toast, *' had some little conversation on the subject
this morning, but as with very great propriety she suggested that you
were the ^rst person to whom J ought to speak, she left it in your
hands entirely.*'
'^ Just like her !" exclaimed Raven, highly pleased with the fact.
** She is the best and most amiable girl in the world."
^' Now I was thinking,'' said YsJentine, ^' that June is a very plea-
sant month."
*^ So it is : but I must leave aU that to be settled between yourselves.
Only tell me when it is settled. Let me see June oh ! yes. I wish
vou would give my compliments to your uncle, and tell him 1 shall be
happy to see him when convenient. Perhaps he will dine with us
to-morrow ? Just ask him."
Valentine promised to do so ; and after drinking a few more appro-
priate toasts, they left the table to join Louise.
'^ My girl !" said Raven, as he entered the drawing room. '^ Come
here."
Louise approached, and he placed her hand in Yalentine's, and
blessed them, and then went to pommel LleweUen. That gentleman
was soundly asleep on the sofa : but although it was usually very diffi-
cult to rouse him under those peculiar circumstances, Raven, being
then in high spirits, soon succe^ed in waking him up.
" Now don't you think, Fred, that you are a very pretty fellow !"
cried Raven, when his efforts had been crowned with success.
^' Inteet cootness knows hui^ve pin asleep !" said Llewellen, which
with him was an occurrence of so extraordinary a character, that he
felt quite confused. ^' Putt," he added, '^ it phos all Louey^s fault.
She setucet me up here, and phootn't let me co town acain, look
you!"
Louise, doubtless, at any other time would have given free expression
to her opinion on the propriety of this observation ; but she was then
too much engaged, having coffee to dispense and certain feelings to
conceal, to attend to any tiling so really unimportant. Her reserve
was remarkable. She scarcely said a word. She looked, and blushed,
and occasionally smiled, but she did not by any means feel selfpos-
ses^. Valentine, on the contrary, was buoyant and merry; he
chatted with Raven, and rallied Llewellen with unusual spirit, until
the evening became far advanced, when he took leave of them, and left
the room with Louise, who appeared to be somewhat anxious, on that
particular occasion, to see him safely out.
452 LIFE A^D ADVENTURES OF
^' My dearest love/' said he, stopping near the drawing room door,
'' I need not perbaps state that your &ther has freely consented to onr
union. With me he thinks that June would be a very pleasant month ;
but as he leaves that entirely to you, pray think of it : I shall see you
in the morning. Oh, Louise ! I have felt, and still do feel, so happy !
My dear girl, good night."
Louise was silent, but she returned bis embrace with afectionate
warmth, when he once agun bade her adieu, and departed.
CHAPTER LIV.
VALBNTIKE VISITS THE ROYAL ACADEMY, AND RAVEN ASTONISHES
THE FACULTIES OF UNCLE JOHN.
On reaching home, Valentine briefly exph&ined the substance of all that
. had occurred to Uncle John, who was in consequence highly delighted.
He had passed a mournful evening ; for Whitcly, who now despaired
of obtaining the slightest clue to the discovery of his children, had been
his only companion ; but when Valentine arrived with his ^' glorious
news," he at once made up his mind to have an additional glass, and
resolved moreover that Whitely and Valentine should join him. He
found it however extremely difficult to prevail upon Whitely to do this,
for that gentleman cherished his sad thoughts as if he loved them, and
appeared to have a horror of every thing likely to cause them to he
even for a moment dispelled : but eventually Uncle John succeeded in
inducing him, in honour of the occasion, to yield, when despair by de-
grees was supplanted by hope, and after an hour s enlivening conver-
sation, he retired comparatively happy.
In the morning after having held a deep consultation with Uncle
Jolm, who felt that he had that day to perform a great duty Valen-
tine proceeded to call upon Louise, whom he found still embarrassed,
but affectionate and gentle. She appeared to have been completely
disarmed ; and although she flew to receive him as he entered, she was
silent, and subsequently w^henever her eyes met his, which did not un-
frequently happen, she blushed, and seemed greatly confused.
" Hur say, my poy," whispered Llewellen^ embracing the first op-
portunity of drawing him aside. ^^ Phot is the matter phith Louey ?
She hasn't plown me up all the morning !"
** You have not offended her, probably."
'^ Oh, cootness knows it, that's no rule to co py : there's something
pesites in the wint."
" Don't despair," said Valentine, encouragingly. " You will have
it no doubt by and bye. Louise !" he added.
" No, no, no !" interrupted Llewellen. ** Inteet hur ton't want it !
No, no ! hur ton't want it ! pe still !"
" I was about to ask Louise if she felt inclined to go to tlie R"y^
Academy this morning."
(
^5ijj*t)"
VALEiNTINK VOX. 453
^^ Oh, that*s another pisincss ! Hur ehoot like that apove all things
in the worlt."
*' Well, shall we go, my love ?"
" I should enjoy it much/' replied Louise, softly.
*^ Run away, then, and prepare. And Louise I tell your father
that my uncle tcill do himself the pleasure of dining here to-day."
Louise left the room ; and the moment she was gone, Llewellen said,
'^ My poy, you mate me tremple. Hur was afndt that you were coing
to tell Louey phot hur salt, pecause then she woot have pecan, look
you, at once. Putt hur say ! phot s the matter ? Pelieve me she
titn't say a wort all the time we were at proakfiist. Is there anything
.wrong ?"
" Nothing," replied Valentine. " Every thing is perfectly right.
You will soon know the cause of this change in Louise/'
" Phot ! Are you coing to pe marriet !"
'* Married : how came you to think of that V
^^ Phel, hur titn*t know, look you. However, hur ton't care a pit, if
there's nothing coing wrong."
As Louise returned shortly after this, they proceeded at once to
the exhibition. Llewellen was a great connoisseur : he could tell in a
moment if a picture pleased him, and wouldn't pretend to admire what
he didn't. To such a connoisseur the exhibition of the Royal Academy
did at that particular period present many charms which few others
could see, and hence it will not be held to be very extraordinary that
Llewellen was highly delighted. He looked at the portraits. Very
good ! As far as the likenesses were concerned, why of course he
knew nothing, and didn't mean to care ; they all appeared to be very
pleasant people, and that was sufficient for him. The dogs however
attracted his particular attention : he was at once almost )st in ad-
miration of them.
*' How phery font people are kitting of togs," he observed.
" It would appear so, certainly," said Valentine. " One would
imagine that we were a nation of dog fanciers."
^^ How do you account," inquired Louise, *'*' for so many being
painted ?''
*^ Young artists are advised to direct attention to that particular
branch," replied Valentine, '^ it being assumed that all who are anxious
to have portraits of their dogs can albrd to pay handsomely for them."
*'*' Then if things co on so, phe shall have nothing putt tog painters
ly ant py, look you !"
'^ See how highly they are admired," said Valentine, directing the
attention of Louise to two ladies and a highly rouged gentleman, who
were extolling the sublimity of a portrait of a bloodhound.
" Dear me I" exclaimed one of the ladies, ^^ what a love ! is he
not?"
^' Foine animal ! foine dog ! foine creachor V cried the highly rouged
gentleman ; but he had no sooner got to the *'*' creachor," than Valentine
made an angry growl proceed apparently from the bloodhound, whioh
caused the admirers of the ^' creachor " to start back amazed.
454 LIFE AMD APTEirTURES OP
*^ Why what l- why ! why ! aloiTe !" ezdaimed the highly rouged
gentleman, with an aspect of horror.
*' Don't he alarmed, my love," said Valentiney whispering to Lonise,
*^ it was I that made the noise."
^ Yon ! why it appeared to be the dog !"
^* Exactly ; FU explain to you presenUy. Take no notice now."
In a state of the most intense astonishment did the highly rouged
gentleman look at the ladies whom he had accompanied, and then at
the bloodhound. He couldn't make it out 1 He had heard it, surely !
Oh ! the ladies themselves had borne testimony to that, for while one
of them said *^ Did you ever," the other exclaimed ^^ Well, I never !"
which of course was conclusive. But then the ^ creacho/' was not alive !
and if the '* creachor " was not alive, why^what then ? He couldn't
tell; he only knew that he had heard the ^^ creachor" growL He looked
again, and approached him graduaUy, until he was able to make a
very minute inspection indeed. It certainly was not alive! He
touched the *' creachor '' ^not near the mouth it is true^ but he ab-
solutely touched hinu
'' Keep your hands off the pictchors," said Valentine, throwing his
voice behind the offender, ^^ how dare you touch the pictchors !''
The highly rouged gentleman turned, and really fdt quite frightened ;
but as he saw no one behind him that looked like a man who had the
courage to speak to him in that style, he naturally felt himself bound
to give the ladies a little idea of his valour. Perceiving a veiy quiet
looking elderly gentleman on one of the seats, be therefore marched up
to him boldly, and said in a tone which conveyed a great deal of indig-
nation, ^* Did you speak to me, sor V
The old gentleman looked at him over his spectacles very inquisitively,
and after having carefully exammed the animal, replied, ^* I don't know
you, I don*t understand you."
'^ I ask if you spoke to me just now in that abrupt and particularly
ungentlemanlike manner?"
" Decidedly not."
'^ Oh," said the highly rouged gentleman, '^ oh !*' and the bdies
becoming alarmed, drew him at once from the spot, but he turned to
look agam at the ^* creachor."
*^ Is it possible," said Louise, ^' that it was you in reality ?"
*' Quite. But, Louise, you must keep what I am now about to
impart to you a most profound secret.*'
Louise promised to do so, and to her utter amazement, he proceeded
to explain to her his power as a ventriloquist, while Uewellen was
particularly engaged with a painting in the subject of which he ap~
peared to take the deepest possible mterest. This psunting told a phun
tale of heartlessaess on the one hand, and weakness on the other, a
tale of seduction and its wretched results ; and while he sympathised
deeply with the victim who was there represented sitting in abject
misery upon the steps of a mansion, with her infant at her breast^ while
the tears trickled fast down her cheeks, he shook his fist at her seducer
VALBNTINE VOX. 465
with an energetic action which seemed to intimate that he conld, with
a great deal of pleasure, knock his head out of the canvass.
^* Oh, do," said Louise, when Valentine had explained, ^^ do try the
effect upon Fred."
" Well, but you must be cautious ; I shall have an opportunity pre-
sently. But see how excited he appears."
^* What on earth is the matter?" inquired Louise, as they approached
him.
**' Inteet, now," said Llewellen, addressing Valentine, and pointing to
the seducer, ^* that's a creat scountrel, look you V*
^^ A what !" cried Valentine, whose voice seemed to proceed from the
figure alluded to, '^ a what !"
*^ A creat scountrel!" repeated Llewellen, nothing daunted, for he
was very indignant, and looked at the figure very fiercely. He how-
ever recollected himself the next moment, and turned to look alternately
at Valentine and Louise.
^^ Why, what in the name of goodness are you about ?" exclaimed
Louise.
Llewellen, without immediately replying, examined the painting
very closely ; but having satisfied himself that it was really a painting,
and that no one could possibly be behind it, he thought it better under
the circumstances, not to subject himself to the rallying sarcasm of
Louise, and therefore, having said *' hur only thought somepotty spoke,"
moved away.
" Dear me,*' cried Louise, " how excessively natural it seems. For
goodness sake don't tell any one about it. We shall have such sport,
I'll assist you. But do you not move your lips at all T
** Can you see them move ?*' said Valentine, sending his voice be-
hind her.
Louise turned in an instant. ^'Good gracious!" she exdidmed,
*^ that person overheard us !*'
^* Of course," said Valentine, throwing his voice as before.
^^ Let us go," said Louise, ^' he'll insult us."
" Insult you !"
^* Oh, do let us go into the next room."
^^ Why, that person has not spoken," said Valentine, in his natural
voice, smiling. ** He has not said a word."
** But you don't mean to say that it was you ?"
* Why, of course l"
" Well I never ! But you know you must not frighten me .'"
" Oh ! any one else ?"
*' Nay, it vfill not be fiiir to frighten me ! you would not wish to do
it, would you ? No, let that be clearly understood."
*' Very well. Of course, what you say now amounts to law !"
" No, no, not so. At least," she added playfully, " not yet."
**Is Mr. Llewellen in the room?'' cried Valentine, throwing his
voice to the opposite comer.
^' Cootness," said Llewellen, turning to Valentine, ^' toes he mean
me?"
450 LIFE AND ADVSNTURES OF
*'Mr. Llewellen of Caermarthen !** cried Valentine as befote, and
looking at the same time steadily at the victim.
"Yesml" cried Llewellen, '^somefrient of mine, no tout. Who
t'cootness can it pe ?"
As Llewellen walked anxiously towards the spot from which the
voice appeared to proceed, every eye was upon him. The thing was
so unusual ! The idea of calling out a gentleman s name in such a
manner, and in such a place ! It was evidently held by all to be ex-
tremely incorrect, and even Louise exclaimed, '^ what a vulgar person
to be sure !"
" Do you really conceive him to be a vulgar person V* inquired Valen-
tine, with a smile, which clearly intimated something.
" Why gracious Valentine ! surely that was not you then V
*' Why, is it at all likely to have been any one else ?"
" Oh ! how glorious. Well, I thought it very singular ! ^Now, let
us hear what he*ll say. But you should tell me ! i ou should let me
know beforehand ! I should enjoy it so much more if you were to do
that. Here he comes.''
^* Hur can't fint any potty," said Llewellen, as he approached with
a countenance remarkably vacant. ^' Inteet t cootness, now bur shoot
like to know pho it coot pe ! Phot are you laughing at, Louey ?" he
added, as Louise covered her face to conceal her convulsions.
'^ Ilave you really no idea who it was ?*' enquired Valentine.
^' Pless you ! not the least. It was some fnent, no tout. Hur
shoot like now to fint him apove all things in the worlt." And again
he looked round and round the room in the lively hope of seeing some
friend from Caermarthen.
" Louise," whispered Valentine, " this will never do ! you'll spoil
all if you do not keep your countenance."
^* Yes I know, but I really could not help it. He did look so
silly poQ^r Fred !"
^' How do you like that style of painting V* said Valentine, alluding
more with the view of restoring the tranquillity of her counte-
nance than anything else to a flaming red and blue lightninff subject,
which appeared to have been done by some eminent artist, while
looking through a pair of kaleidoscopic spectacles '' Do you admire
'^ Why, upon my word I cannot understand it !" replied Louise.
*' Nor can I, nor can any one else, I should say, with the exception
of the artist himself. But do you admire the style ?"
^' It is so indistinct and glaring."
^' There is an infinite de^ of something about it : it may by possi-
bility be very sublime, but I should say its chief merit consists in its
being altogether incomprehensible."
** Well, well," said Louise with impatience, "never mind; I've no
doubt that it was meant to be very poetic, but do, there's a dear, tease
Fred."
The fact is, after Valentine had entrusted her with the secret of his
power, Ijouiso took but little interest in the paintings : it had ftt once
ALBNTINB VOX, 457
eo delighted and amazed her, that she looked at them only as a medium
through which that power might with effect be developed ; and as it
was but natural that Valentine should, under existing circumstances, be
anxious to please her by all the means at his command, he went up to
Llewellen, who had been running about in all directions in search of his
undiscoverable friend, and, looking steadily at him, said, in the mosit
cordial manner possible, ^* Ah! Llewellen !'
The voice apparently proceeded from behind him, and he turned on
the instant and scrutinised the features of every maq whom he saw.
But no ! No friend was visible ! He could not see a soul of whom
he had the slightest knowledge! which in the abstract was very
remarkable.
^* There's somepotty having a came with me," he observed, when he
had satisfied his conscience that every creature behind him was un-
known to him ; ^' Inteet t' cootness hur shoot like to fint him out I*'
And it was not by any means extraordinary tliat he did wish to do so,
more especially as he felt in some slight degree displeased !
^^ Now, now," said Louise, " make that picture appear to speak to
bun: dor
" No, no ; it's too bad," said Valentine. *' Besides, he will begin to
suspect."
** Never mind," said Louise, '' he will not suspect us. Do, there's a
dear: once more: come, only once l"
*^ TVell, well ; you must draw his attention to it."
" Oh, I'll do that. Fred, I want you to give me your opinion upon
this portrait. Now what do you really think of it ? Be candid."
^* Phell, look you, hur ton't know : hur ton't pretent to pe a jutch ;
putt hur should say it's phery peautiful/'
*' Do you really," said Valentine, assuming the voice of a female, and
making it appear to proceed from the canvas, '^ Do you really think
me beautiful ?"
Llewellen started, and then looked at the portrait in a very steady,
straightforward, unflinching manner, and then looked at Louise and
ibfia at Valentine, and then at the portrait again. At length, being
unable to make any thing at all of it, in the fulness of his heart he
exclaimed ^^ Inteet t' cootness, hur think now the tevil's in the
pictures !"
'^ For shame 1" cried Louise. *' How dare you make use of that
wicked expression?"
^^ Phell hur ton't care, Louey; he's in the room somephere, look you,
that's my pelief. Tit n't you hear ?"
^^ I heard you say that the portrait was very beautiful."
** So hur tit ! so hur tit ! ant then it asked if hur tU think it peau-
tiful !"
^^ It ! what, the portrait ! Why, you do not mean to be so ridicu-
lous as to imagine that the portrait spoke, surely !"
'^ Hur ton't care a pit apout the pisiness, look you, Louey, putt coot*
11688 knows hur heart somepotty speak ! Tit n't you, my poy ?~r-
iit n't you ?*
3n
458 LIFE AND ADTDfTURBS OP
^ I heard some one speak : that's qniie oertam ; but H coiildn% hj
any possibility be the painting !''
" Absurd !" cried Louise. " Now really Fred give me your
candid opinion do you not yourself think that you are getting yery
stupid ?"
'^ Hur ton't care phot you say : you may caQ me stupit if ytm
please, putt if hur tit n't hear that phery picture ask me plain plank
phether Imfiit think her peautiful, pless me !**
** But how is it possible ? How could it ?"
'* Hur ton't pretent to know how it coot ; put li tit! Cootness knows,
am hur not to pelieve my own ears ?"
It does seem hard that a man cannot always with safety have the
firmest and the most implicit faith in the evidence of those useful and
ornamental organs ; but it is notwithstanding a fact, that in aO such
cases as those m which ventriloquism is concerned, such evidence is
perfectly certain to be false. However direct it may be, however spe-
cious, however strong, it is sure to mislead the inquiring mind, so in-
variable is its perversion of truth so stubborn its adherence to error.
Of all this Lewellen was utterly ignorant, and hence he stuck firmly
to his faith. He of course thought it strange, unaccountably strange ;
but no reason which he could bring to bear upon the point wns suffi-
ciently powerful to shake his conviction ; no species of ridicule nay,
not even the manifest impossibility of the thing itself could induce
him to repudiate or even to doubt the evidence of those false witnesses,
his ears.
This was a source of great enjoyment to Louise. She rallied him
cruelly, not only at the exhibition, but as they returned. He was a
martyr ; and with the characteristic firmness of a martyr he endured it.
On reaching home, however, Louise became thoughtful again.
Knowing that Uncle John was to dine there that day, her thoughts
reverted to the cause of his being specially invited, and, although she
was as happy as any afiectionate little creature under the circumstances
could be, she could not but feel in some slight degree embarrassed.
From Valentine this was concealed as much as possible. She natu-
rally did not vrish him to know all ; she therefore left him imme-
diately on their return with the full determination and it reaUy vras a
very important determination not to make her appearance again until
Uncle John arrived.
The interim would doubtless have been somewhat tedious to Valev-
tine if matters had taken their usual course ; but the nsoment she had
left him, Raven entered the reom, and, actuated by his characteristio
love of display, begged Valentine as a favour to take the carri^ for his
Uncle. Of course, any thing calculated to please the bitter enemy of
the aristocracy Valentine haa then no inclination to oppose. The car-
riage was therefore immediately ordered, for Raven suggested that
although it was early, his old friend might like to have an airing befoie
he dined : which was very afiectionate.
Matters being thus arranged. Raven left the room with dignity, when
Llewellen claimed the privilege of going with Valentine, on the gronnd
VALENTINE TOX. 459
of his being a great favourite of Uncle John. ^' Hur too like him/'
said he, just to strengthen his claim, ^' pecause hur pelieve him to pe a
eoot tempert, kint, ant penevolent olt soul, ant hur know he likes me
pecause phenever hur speak to him, look you, he smiles,"
This was held to be conclusive, and as in a very few minutes the
carriage was announced, they proceeded to put Uncle John in a fidget.
This, strange as it may appear, was the effect which the] sight of that
carriage invariably had upon him. He was sufficiently feverish when
it came to the door on any ordinary occasion, but whenever it was sent
expressly for him it threw him at once into a dreadful state of mind,
for he held it to be beyond all doubt or dispute entirely out of the
regular course.
Fortunately, however, in this particular instance he was sitting with
Whiiely in poor Goodman's room, when it dashed up to the door, [and
was therefore unconscious of the fact until Valentine announced it. '
** But, dear me," said Uncle John, pulling out his watch with great
promptitude and tact, '' why, it wants a full hour and a half of the
time I''
Whitely enjoined silence, for Unde John's lungs were very powerful,
and Goodman was asleep. They therefore repaired to the drawing-
room in which Valentine had left IJewellen, a fact of which both Uncle
John and Whitely were unconscious.
Ah 1 Mr. Llewellen !" exclaimed Uncle John, ^^ I hope you're well.
Sir, I hope you're very well 1 Allow me to introduce to you my friend
Mr. Whitely."
^^ Hur 'm prout to know you," said Llewellen, extending his hand.
*' Hur 've heart of you t' cootness knows how often."
Whitely during the salutation looked at him intensely ! He seemed
to be struck with Llewellen's appearance, and yet there was nothing in
it very extraordinary. Still he inspired on the instant some feeUng
which caused him to turn pale as death I
Neither Uncle John nor Valentine noticed the agitation into which
he had been thrown, but Llewellen did, and therefore said, *' You are
not well, my frient ? Come for a rite. Inteet t' cootness it will too
you all the coot in the worlt I*'
Whitely tremulously bc^ed to be excused, and almost immediately
after retired from the room.
" Now then, my tear olt frient ; come, let us have a demons rite
pefore tinner, ant then you'll pe aple to keep me in countenance, for,
look you, nopotty can eat at all here ! hur ton t know t' cootness how
it is people manache to live phithout eating."
" But bless my life !" exclaimed Uncle John, '' I'm not dressed ! You
have taken me quite by surprise !"
' Oh, never mint that, look you 1 never mint that. We can wait
phile you tress ! Cootness knows it, our time is not so precious !''
Eventually Uncle John consented : for although he thought it hard
that he could not be suffered togo quietly, he was pressed so warmly,
not only by LleweUen but by Valentine, who explained how highly
4^0 LIFE aud adventures of
Baven would be pleased, that he felt himself bound, as a disagreesUe
matter of courtesy on this one particnkr occanon to yidd.
He therefon left the room to make himself tidy, and Valentine
ordered up the tray, it being questionable whether he could by any
other means hold liewellen in a perfect state of happiness. He had
not the smallest doubt of being able to effect this great object in that
way, and the correctness of his judgment in this particular was abun-
dantly proved by the result. The very moment UeweQen saw a
ham and three ribs of beei^ that very moment did his ejres begin to
sparkle with pleasure, and he set to work like a new man.
^^ I think you will find that a decent glass of sherry," said Valentine,
plactDg the bottle before him.
^^ Iny poy," cried liewellen, ** too let's have some peer !"
The beer was ordered on the instant, and when that was produced
his views were met to a hair. Nothing could have been better. He
slashed away, and ate with so much energy and gusto, that really any
stranger would have imagined that he had been experimentalised upon
by the poor-law commissioners, from whom he had just escaped. The
only thing which at all interfered with his enjoyment was a lively ap-
prehension of Uncle John's return. Every sound made him start;
every footstep alarmed him ; he trembled whenever he heard a door
bang.
His apprehensions, however, were perfectly vun. Unde John it is
true was in a very great hurry, but it is diao true that he could not
make haste. He had a ten minutes' hunt for a particular stocking,
which as a matter of convenience he had thrown over his shoulder, and
a period of ten minutes more was occupied in looking for a waistcoat he
had on.
Under these afflicting drcumstances, Liewellen was in no actual
danger of being interrupted. But then he did not know that:
which was a pity. Had he possessed the slightest cognisance of the
real state of things at that period in Uncle John's dressing room, doubt-
less he would have been, although equally energetic, more eool ; but
working away as he was in the dark as to the actual state of the cue
there, it was but natural that he should have the unpleasant idea that
courtesy would compel him prematurely to give in.
It was not however untU some time after he had said to himsdf
privately, *^ Now hur ton't care if he toes come," that Unde John
actually made his appearance.
^^ I have to apologise," said that gentleman, who was in a very
great heat, ^^ I have te apologise for keeping you so long."
'^ Hur peg youll make no apology at all," cried Uewdlen, which
was really very good of him considering, '^ hur've not pin itle, look you !
Hur'd recommend you to have a pit ! the peef is peautiful !"
Uncle John very gracefully declined, and having miraculoudy found a
pair of gloves, he searched the whole of his pockets at onoe, with the
view of ascertaining if any important little matter had been forgotten,
and then declared himself to be quite at Uewellen's service.
" Put hur must pit your olt frient coot py," cried UeweUen.
YALBNTINX TOX. 461
** He is now in a sound sleep," said Uncle John.
** Tear t' cootness how oit ! Toes he alphays co to rieep in the
mitUeoftheiay?"
'* Do you mean poor friend Goodman V*
" No, look yon, Mr. Phitely !"
*^ Oh," said VaJentine, ^* he is not asleep ; 111 go and tell him."
He did so, and found him in tears, which he hastened, hut in yain, to
conceal.
^^ My good friend ! come, keep up your spirits !* said Yalentine,
^^ Llewellen wants to hid you good day."
*' I look at that young man with pleasure," returned Whitely, ^^ hut
that pleasure is accompanied with a hitter, hitter pang."
^^ Then do not see him. I'll tell him 1 have said good day for him."
*^ Yes, do, please ^yet oh no. 111 hid him good day." And he
dashed away a tear which stood trembling in his eye, and went at once
to shake hands with Llewellen.
^' God bless you !" said he, ^^ I shall see^you again ?"
** Oh ! yes ; hur shall alpha3rs pe coming. Putt hnr wish you't co
phith us for a rite ! Inteet it phoot too you a creat teal of coot."
Again Wliitely begged to be excused, and after having again shaken
Llewellen warmly by the hand, he saw him into the carriage, and they
started.
^^ Home I" cried the servant, as he mounted behind.
^^ Phot a set of stupit togs to be sure !" cried Llewellen, pulling the
check string with violence.
The carnage stopped in an instant. ^^ What a pity it is," said Uncle
John, ^^ that fine horses like those should be pulled upon their haunches
Uke that."
*^ Titn t hur tell you the park I" cried Llewellen, as the servant reap-
peared at the door, '^ co rount the park ant then home."
Correct oiders were then conveyed, and they dashed towards the
park ; and as they^proceeded. Uncle John, although he had been put out
of his way very seriously, could not help thinking that a carriage was
rather a comfortable sort of thing than Dot ! He was cool and col-
lected then, and had the whole of his faculties about him, which was
pleasant, and he enjoyed himself exceedingly, and thought, as he rode
round the ring, that the Park was in reality very delightfdl.
*^ Phoot you like to co rount once more ? We have plenty of time,"
sud Llewellen.
^* If we have plenty of time I really should," said Uncle John, ^* for
although I have walked in the Park frequently, I had no idea of its
being so pleasant a drive."
Llewellen therefore at once gave the necessary orders, and they went
round again, and then ^' home.
It is a singular thing perhaps to place upon record, and yet it is an
absolute fact nevertheless, that every time Yalentine saw Louise now, he
fancied she looked more lovely than before. Especially so vras it in
this particular instance, for on reaching the drawing-room he really did
believe that he had never beheld any creature so Mautifiil. She was
468 LIFE AND ADTENTDRB8 OF
calm, very calm ; except indeed when Unole John held her hand for a
moment, and paaaed a high compliment, to the justice of which her heart
cheerfully suhscrihed ; and when Valentine led her to the window to
converse with her alone, she really felt that she never wae so happy.
Raven's reception of Uncle John was of the most cordial character,
and Undo John did not fail to appreciate it highly ; nor did he omit to
explain how much he had enjoyed his ride, which pleased Raven per-
haps more than anything else.
Llewellen was of course quite shut out ; hut he was not inactive : he
had got the little delicate Neapolitan greyhound, which used to he the
very first favourite with Louise ^upon the sofii, and while instead of
allowing him to hound with delight, he rolled him over and over, as if
he had heen hut a surfeited pug, the little wretch looked at his tormen-
tor with all the intelligenoe of which those stupid things are possessed,
for he really didn't like it.
Dinner was now announced, and Uncle John took Louise with all
the grace he had in him, when, as Raven took Valentine, Uewelleii,
who couldn't take the dog, and the dog did'nt want him ! weai
down with his appetite alone.
During dinner Raven proved that he was in the highest possdhle
spirits, which Uncle John of course was delighted to perceive ; hut as
nearly the whole of his ohservations had indirect reference to the com-
ing event, Louise was sadly emhairassed, although Valentine and
Unde John too did all in thdr power to neutralize the efiect of
inuendos which opened even the eyes of Llewellen. Still Raven kept
on : it was seldom indeed that he was in a happy vein ; hut when tins
did occur, no trifle could stop him. It will hence be inferred tiurt
Louise was not sorry when dinner was over, having the power to leave
when she pleased ; but it strangdy enough happened that Raven then
dropped the subject, much to the mortification of Llewellen, who, hav-
ing had but little time to attend to it while any thing remained on the
table to eat, now prepared himself to listen to any observation which
might have a tendency to show him a light. It was therefore particu-
larly annoying to him, privatdy, that no audi observation was made ;
for|up to the time Louise rose to retire, they continued to converse
exdttsivdy upon matters in which he took really no interest at all.
^' Now then/' said Raven, when he saw Louise move ; ^^ now run
away, all you young people : we don't want you here V
Valentine, of course, started up in an instant ; but Llewellen, who
really did not understand it, looked round very naturally for a little ex-
planation. The very moment, however, Valentine beckoned him, he
rose, and permitted himself to be led from the room in a state of mental
darkness.
^' Well, my old friend !" exclaimed Raven, when he and Uncle John
were alone. ^^ In the first place, we'll drink the health of Val and
Louise ! Kd bless them bodi : may they be happy !*'
Unde John most heartily refunded to this toast, and made an addi-
tion directly touching the little consequences of their union. He tlien
gave the health of liewdlen, whom he lauded as one of the best-
ALEHTINB VOX. 463
hearted fellows that ever lived ; and when Raven had made a very
slisht, but a highly eulogistic^ addition to that^ he said, ^^ Now let us
dnnk our noble selves, and then to business."
^' Valentine/' he continued, when this toast had been appropriately
honoured, *^ has doubtless told you that he has had a little quiet con-
versation with me on the subject of his marriage with Louise/'
Uncle John nodded an affirmative.
*^ He has also told you that the result was my free and unconditionid
consent to their union ? Yery well. Now I admire the character of
that boy. Were he my own flesh and blood, I could not love him
more. He is a fine fellow, a noble, firm, affectionate, fellow, and
Louise is about the best girl that ever breathed. They love each other
fondly and firmly : I know it ! and they are worthy of each other*
And as they are about to be united to each other, now ! what can we
do for them ?"
" What / have," said Uncle John, promptiy, " I have made up my
mind to divide with them. I have been thinking of this matter all the
morning, and as I calculate that I cannot be worth, on the whole, more
than sixteen thousand pounds, and as I shall have no one then but
his mother to provide for, Til give them eight thousand at once to be-
gin with,"
" My friend," said Raven, grasping the hand of Uncle John. " If
you have made up your mind to do that, I have made up my mind
that you shall not. You shall not, my friend, do any tning of the
sort I and if we are to have a quarrel about the matter, we h^ better
at once fight it out. I don't wish to say anything in disparagement of
your circumstances, but I will say this, that I can afford to provide for
them better tlian you can. I'll at once give them twenty thousand
pounds. I'll not give them a single penny more, because I don't wish
to spoil them by tempting them to launch into a sea of aristocratic ex-
travagancies. No : I'll give them that which is as much as they
ought to have, and as much as I will consent to let them have to begin
with and if you will not allow me to do this alone, why the only
alternative is, you must fight me !"
" If J were"
** Stop," said Raven, ^* stop. Before you speak let us have a glass
of wine."
This interruption was indeed a great relief to Uncle John, who had
been so startldl by Raven's generous proposition, that he scarcely at
the moment knew how to reply.
" Now," continued Raven. " What have you to say against it ?"
^^ Why, I hardly know what I have to say, with the exception that
I cannot consent to do nothing. I think with you, that they ought
not to have more than twenty thousand, but why can you not give
twelve and let me give the rest V
" 111 not have it I"
" Well then come, I'll meet your views if I can ! yoa shall put
down fifteen and I'll eive the odd money."
" I tell you, my fnend, 111 do nothing of Uie sort. I have made up
4C
464 LIFE AND ADTBNTURBI OF
my mind to give the whole, and the whole I will give ! I, of course, do
not wish to deprive you of the pleasuie of doing something ! Make
them a present ! 111 let you do that I''
^* Well then, 111 give them a house to live in."
Nonsense !" cried Raven, ^^ young people don't like to he tied. If
you give them a house to live in, they'll want to remove the second
quarter I Now, 111 tell you what I'll do- 111 conciliate you if pos-
tihlel I'll consent to your furnishing a house for them, hut, to
nothii^ more will I consent, I'm determined.
^^ ]^. Raven l" said Uncle John, *^ really your generosity has sur-
prised me."
^' I am not a man," said Raven, with dignity and pride, " I am not
a man to boast of my wealth and resources ; but I may be permitted
to state in justification of the tone I have assumed, that as this sum of
money is to me a mere flea-bite, I feel that I have a rieht to insist
upon giving it alone. But come, the thing is now settled. I am to
have my way and you are to have yours."
^^ No, no : not exactly 1"
*^ To the stipulated extent ! therefore without saying another sbde
word upon the subject, I'll give you what ? Hoilth and prospenty
to the forthcoming branches, and may they be numerous and strong."
*^ With all my heart !" cried Uncle John, *^ with ail my soul ! and
may we live to see the lovely little cherubs playing around us and
strewing with flowers our path to the grave.''
A pause ensued^; but it was not of long duration. The glasses were
replenished, and Raven said, ^^ Now sir, I'll give you oh ! of course
their grandmamma !"
^' Again, with all my heart !*' cried Uncle John, ^* she is one of the
best women in creation a natural woman ! if "
^^ Those are the women for me 1" exclaimed Raven. ^^ None of your
rouged stuck-up beggarly aristocracy 1 a natural woman will beat
them all into fits."
^ If ever there existed a really good woman in the world she is
one!"
ii
We must have her up !*' cried Raven. ^' We must have her up
in time. This afiair you know must not take place in her absence.
Apropos we've not drunk our absent friends !"
"Our absent fiiendsl" echoed Uncle John, prcmptly, "And may,"
for he would make an addition to every toast" may they always be
as firm as firm ^may they idways be as firm as tiie rock of Oi^
raltar /"
" Bravo 1" cried Raven, " Very sood, very good ! And now I rise to
propose the health of one whom I highly esteem, whom I love, and
will cherish of one to whom I owe my present state of existence of
one of of a brave of a brave who of one who who 111 tell
you what it is, my old friend, ^if I go much &rther I shall stick in the
mud ! I am no public speaker ; not a bit of it ; but I do with aU
sincerity propose, and I know I feel sure *t least, I know you will
with equal smcerity, ^nnk the health of Valentine !"
VALENTINE VOX. *^5
*^ Let me see, I think we drank that before V*
" Did we ? Well, I believe we did, now yon have mentioned it ;
you are right. But never mind ! ^let ua drink it again. And yet, if
my memory serves me you know if my memory serves me, we only
drank them together ! so let's have them separately Valentine ! he's
a fine noble fellow ! I drmk his health with all my heart ! and success
to him !"
Of course, after this Uncle John proposed Louise, and then Llew-
ellen, and then every other toast which had been previously drank,
until really he did begin to think that the things around him were
getting particularly restless ! Happily, however, the real state of the
case did not fail to strike him, and he addressed himself to Raven as
nearly as possible to that effect, and suggested that albeit they were
perfectly right then, the probability was, that if they drank much more
they should not be quite so right, and as this correct suggestion ac-
corded precisely with the vi^ws as well as the feelings of Raven himself,
that gentleman promptly made another suggestion which had immediate
reference to coffee. In vain Uncle John made one more suggestion
which, touched upon the abstract propriety of having it below : Raven
would have him up ! and up they went.
At first, Valentine feared from the somewhat studied stateliness of
his walk, that Uncle John was not exactly so correct as he had seen
him; but he found that he was merry, not tipsy elated, nothing
more. Immediately after cofiee, notwithstanding, he conceived it to be
proper to send for a coach, and Uncle John, as he gracefully took his
leave, declared openly and warmly, that he never spent so happy an
evening in his life.
CHAPTER LV.
THE DAY IS NAMED. ECHO INSISTS UPON FORMING AN ALLIANCE
WITH LLEWELLEN.
^^ He is a prince, my boy ! ^nothinff less than a prince !" exclumed
Uncle John, while in the coach, and this was all in the shape of expla-
nation that could be obtained from him xmtil they reached home, when
he entered at length into the matter.
That Valentine was delighted when he heard, not only of Raven's
generosity, but of the high estimation in which he was held, is a fact
which it were useless to attempt to conceal. Everything now shone
brightly before him : he knew of no joy which he could not possess ;
with love on the one hand and competence on the other, he felt that he
and Louise had but to live and be happy.
" Now the very first thing," said Uncle John, when he had ex-
plained all clearly " The very first thing, my boy, that you have to do
IS to get the day fixed, that we may know what we are about. There
Mte many important xnattere to attend to which cannot be done in a day.
3 o
(06 LIFK AND ADVENTURES OF
Tliere's the house to look after : there's that to prepare : there's your
mother to run down for, and a hundred other things which require
time and study. Therefore let the day he fixed, that we may know
how much time we have to do it all in."
Valentine promised to prevail upon Louise to name the day if pos-
sihle in the morning, and accordingly when he and Uncle John called
together, he remained with that ohject in view.
Louise was still very gentle, and although rather timid, very happy ;
and as Valentine had, the previous evenmg, imparted the secret to
Llewellen, that gentleman correctly felt that his presence was not
on all occasions ahsolutely wanted. He therefore left them together on
the morning in question the very moment they hegan to converse, and
as this was what Valentine deemed strictly proper and very agreeable,
he reverted to the subject at once.
'' My deaiest Louise," said he, ^* all is now happily settled with the
exception of one point, which rests with ypu entirely. The day^ my
Louise ! when is it to be ? Indeed it pains me to tease you, appre-
ciating as I do that delicacy of feeling by which you are actuated ; hut
you know, my dear girl, that I must be importunate until I can prevail
upon you to give mo an answer. Come, settle it at once ! Why, you
silly girl ! why do you tremble ? Smile, my Louise, and be joyous as
I am ! I know that we shall be happy ! Do you not believe that we
shall r
^^ I do I do indeed," replied Louise.
^' Come, then, why are you so pensive ? Look up, my girl, and
settle the point at once. Do you think that I would be so teased when
I could put an end at once to it, and that with a single word ? Well,
well, let me manage it for you. Now attend to my instructions. It
is to be in June : I will therefore commence with the first of the
month, and go on until I reach the day on which you would like it to
take place, when you must kiss me and say ^' yes," or to simplify the
thing say " yes," and then 1 will kiss you. Now then : would you
like it to be on the first of June V
^* Yes," said Louise, but in a whisper so soft that, had it not been for
the hissing of the s, it must have been mistaken for silence.
The moment Valentine heard it he pressed her to his heart, and
paid his debt in the coin above alluded to with the most usurious
interest.
" Now, my love," said he, *'you must be cheerful and gay I I have
to tease you no more : all is settled now : come i banish that melan^
choly look, Louise, and smile I Where is Fred ? I must get him to
put you in spirits. I ynW not allow you to be dull Shall we find him
in the garden ? Yes, there he is, come."
Into the garden they accordingly went, and Valentine, making his
voice appear to proceed from various quarters, shouted '^ Llewellen !-*
Llewellen ! Uewellen ! Llewellen V
Llewellen promptiy turned towards every point, and then exclaimed^
'* Tear t' cootness now phot an extraortinary echo !'*
'* Did you never notice it before ?" inquired Valentine.
TALSMTINB VOX. 467
*^ Cootness know's it, Dover."
" You try it : sing."
^^Tol, loly lol, lol !" saog liewelkn, very correctly jumping up an
octave.
'* Tol, lol, lol, lol !" echoed Valentine, faintly, thereby making it ap-
pear to proceed from an immense distance.
^* Phunterful I Phell I never tit ! ^pecause there are no mountains,
no hills, look you, here !"
^' What is ihat tome V said Valentine, aBSuming a female voice, which
appeared to come from the adjoining garden.
^* Pho is that V inquired lieweUen. ^' Some potty pelonging to next
toor ! hurll see pho it is !" And he instantly ran for a ladder, which
he placed against the wall, and then cautiously mounted with the view
of peeping over.
'^ I see you," said Valentine in the same assumed voice.
^' Hur ton't care !" cried Llewellen, as he showed himself boldly.
" Get down : don't expose yourself there. If you wish to say any-
thing to me, ril come over to you. Now," continued Valentine,
having drawn his voice cleverly within ilie garden, " now what have
you to say V
Llewellen stared with an expression of the most intense amazement.
There was no one in the garden adjoining ! he could not see a soul, and
yet he heard the voice as plainly as he ever heard anything in his life !
Of course Valentine and Louise stood as if they were astonished, which
was perhaps under the circumstances venial.
" Came down I" cried the voice, " don't stand there !"
Llewellen was not a man whom a trifle could alarm, but it must be
recorded that the blood left his cheeks. He however descended, and
feeling secure in the integrity of his intentions, stood firmly again upoii
the fsbce of the earth.
" Now what have you to say?" inquired the voice.
" Who are you V demanded Llewellen.
^^ Dear me, don't be alarmed I I'm otly Echo !"
*' cho ! putt t'cootness, phere are you ? Hur can't see you any
phere apout."
*^ See me ! How can you expect to see me when you know that
there is nothing of me left but my voice?"
Llewellen hdd this as fiu as it went to be conclusive. He cleaily
could not see a voice, and as there was nothing else of Echo, it followed
of course that there was nothing to see. But although this sufficiently
accounted for the invisibility of the nymph, Uewellen could not under-
stand the exact meaning of her immediate presence ; nor had he ever
either heard or read of her having the power to converse. ^ Speak to
her," said he to Valentine. ^^ Inteet it's phery ott !"
'*ril have nothing to say to him," observed Echo, ^I have thi
moment taken a regikr fancy to you, and to you only will I speak."
^' Oonverse with the lady," said Louise, ^^ she will not harm you.'*
^* Putt, look you, hur ton't unterstant !"
** Freddy," said Echo, ^^ I love you ! Speak to me, my dearest t
converse with me ; do, tliere's a duck !"
468 UFB AND ADVBNTURB8 OF
'' Oh, speak to her Fied 1" said Valentine, ''speak to her !"
** Putt pho am hor to speak to V
'' Oh, hear what the lady has to say, and make snitable replies.
Shall we retire ?"
" Not for the worlt !"
'' Well, come then, say something as a matter of oonrtesy !"
'' Putt her ton't know phot to say 1 Inteet hnrton't know phot she
wants !"
^ I remain here," said Echo, ^ expressly for the purpose of telling
you how dearly I love you."
'' Phell ! you have tolt me so pefore ! Is there anything pesites?"
*' Cannot your heart suggest the rest ?"
'' No ; inteet it cannot, '
" Oh ! Fred ; you cruel creature !"
'' Oh, hur won't stant pothering here with a thing hur can't see !"
cried Llewellen, who was about to bounce into the house, when Louise
taking his arm, said, do obtain permission for me to speak to her.*
**" Phill you allow this laty to speak to you V said Llewellen, who
appeared to be rather pleased with the notion than not.
'' By all means," replied Echo.
" Do you really love my cousin V inquired Louise.
^ Oh, most fondly, and he knows it. Hell break my voice, the
cruel creature ! and when that is gone, I shall be no more ; I then shall
have nothing left to lose."
'' Her ton t care. Let her lose her voice : inteet the sooner it's cone
the petter."
'' But would you marry him V inquired Louise.
*^ Would? I will ! I'll unite myself to him at onee. He shall cany
me about. Ill mock his every word. Ill ride in his pocket. I'm in!'
As the last words were thrown behind LleweOen, he thrust his
hands into the pockets of his coat very fiercely, and turned round and
round as a cockchafer might under circumstauaces of a corresponding
character, for he couldn't tell at all what to make of it. ^^ Hnr'm in a
mess !" he cried, ^^ cootness knows it, hur'm in a mess !*
'^ How marvellous I" exclaimed Louise, with appropriate solenmity,
" how excessively Strang !"
^ Well," said Yalentme, ^'you have a vrife that will stick to yon at
all events."
Stick to me ! Putt I won't have it."
" Well, but how do you mean to get rid of her V
" How am hur to kit rit of her V
*^ By smothering her voice ! I cannot conceive a better plan. It is
sure to be effectual. Sew up your pocket, and smother her voice V*
** Coot !" cried Llewellen, and on the instant he grasped the taib of
his coat with surpassing tightness, in the perfect conviction that Echo
must be in one of them, lie didn't care which.
*^ Now then," said Valentine, " pull the coat off. But be sure yon
don't relinquish your hold 1 If you let go for an instant, shell be out."
Llewellen was about to act upon t(iis excellent suggestion, but he
VALENTINE VOX. i^d
had no sooner made the attempt than he was struck with an idea, which
prompted him to ask how it was possible for him to take off his coat
while he kept fast hold of the tails? which was indeed a highly correct
question to put.
" Kif me a lift, my poy, look you/' he added, ^* because hur can't
kit it off at all now myself."
Valentine wishing to meet his views to some extent, pulled the collar
of the coat off his shoulders.
*' There, now you catch holt of the tails," said Uewellen, ^^ ant then
hur can pull out my arms."
'' No ; although I suggested the murder, I'll have nothing to do with
its execution."
" Phill Louey tear ?"
" Not for the world !" cried Louise.
*^ Cootness knows it now, that is too pat !"
^' Let me out !" exclaimed Eclio, " let me out !"
^* Not a pit of it matam," cried Llewellen, who, grasping his tails yet
more firmly, hastened out of the garden with the view of obtaining the
assistance of one of the servants, and as he walked with the collar of his
coat below his elbows, both Valentine and Louise were convulsed with
laughter, he really did look in their view so ungraceful.
*' How ridiculous these things appear," observed Valentine. **^ With-
out having actually witnessed them, should we not regard it as almost
impossible for men possessing any sense at all, to be placed in positions
so absurd ?"
*^ It appears to be so natural," said Louise. *^ Upon my word I am
not at all astonished at its effect being to make people look so very
silly."
^' They are taken by surprise, you see ! Wore^ they to reflect for a
moment they would doubtless repudiate the notions which alarm them;
but they are called upon to act on the instant : they are astounded at
once ; they have no time for thought. I have seen men -courageous,
strong-minded men men whom nothing on earth visible could appal, so
shaken at the moment by sounds for which they could not account, as to
appear to be the veriest cowards in existence."
" Oh, I've not the slightest doubt of it !" returned Louise. " Now,
this echo: why, I really should have been alarmed myself! althoneh
conscious of ito having but a merely mythological existence, and of its
being in reality nothing more than a repercussion of sound, upon my
word, at the moment I shouldn't know what to make of it : I am sure
I should be frightened ; I am certain that I should 1 But poor Fred ! Oh
do let him carry his wife in his pocket. Don't let her voice be smothered
just yet. It will be so glorious 1"
This put Louise in high spirits, and her liveliness continued
throughout the day. It is true that occasionally the thought of
her position would intrude to cast over her beautiful features a slight
shade of meditative gloom ; but Valentine, whenever he perceived this,
dispelled it, and then all was sunshine and happiness again.
470 LIFE AND ABTENTURES OP
CHAPTER LVI.
THB PBEPABATIONB FOR THE MARRIAGE. ^A SVRPRIBE.
Business ! business was now the order of the day : and it is a
highly popular ffkct that business must be attended to. Unde John
pronounced himself to be up to his eyes in it! Valentine, Raven,
Louise, and all concerned were now plunged into the depths of business.
As the day that day to which lovers m general look forward with
joy ^had been fixed ; all felt that no time was to be lost. The pre-
parationsespecially those which had fallen to the lot of Uncle John
i were considered immense, for he had made up his mind fully, finnly,
and without any supererogatory deliberation, not only to do his duty,
but to astonish the nerves of Raven if possible. He felt strongly that
he had but a fortnight to do it all in, and it took him a week to look
after a house. He never had such a job ! At the full expiration of
that time, however, he got one, and then he did think he saw his
way pretty clearly.
Louise at thb period felt dreadfully embarrassed. She had no
female friends. The social position of Raven, since he retired from
business, had been so peculiar, that they had lived, although in midst of
wealth and splendour, almost secluded from the world. He sconied to
associate with any below the aristocracy, and the aristocracy looked
upon him with contempt. Hence his bitter hatred of them in the
aggregate, and hence the embarrassed position of Louise. She had no
one to advise with, no one to confide in, but her maid. There were but
two ladies in the world with whom she had ever been on any thing like
teims of intimacy, and they were both absent firom town. She was
therefore left entirely to her own resources, which she naturally at that
period felt to be very distressing.
Valentine although every effort was made to conceal it firom him
was not long understanding the state of the case precisely, and the mo-
ment he did understand it he felt himself bound to do all in his power
to relieve her.
^* Louise," said he, embracing the very first opportunity that pre-
sented itself, *' Louise, I feel very much hurt."
^* Dear Valentine ! at what V
*^ Nay, I do not know indeed that I shall ever foigive you."
**' My dear boy I why what on earth is it V
^* My mother," said Valentine. ^' You have not invited her. Yoa
do not know, my loye, how happy she would be, if you were to send
for her at once to spend a week with you, to advise with you, to relieve
you of any little difficulty you may be under, to do, in short, any thing
for you."
^* Dear Valentine I" cried Louise, as the tears sprang into her eyes,
for she in an instant perceived his object. ^' You do not know how
much I love you for this. Oh ! that would indeed make me happy*
VALENTINE TOX. 471
I knew not how to mention this, my Jove ; but believe me, my dearest
boy, that situated as I am, nothing could delight me so much."
^' You are a good girl, Louise : she shall come up at once. I will
send her a letter by thb night's post, and ruii down myself for her in
the morning."
" There's a dear ! But you will not be long, my love, before you
return ?"
^^ I'll be back, my Louise, as soon as possible. She does not at pre-
sent expect to come up before the thirtieth : but 111 manage that ; and
as Fred is now only in the way here, I may as well take him down
with me."
Most gladly did poor Louise consent to this arrangement; and
Valentine, who would not detain her, went at on^e to communicate
with LlewcUen.
That gentleman at the time was in the library, reading ** Fox's Book
of Martyrs," with an ^aspect of terror, and when Valentine without
any ceremony entered, he gave a sudden start, and felt strikingly
queer.
^' Tear t'cootness !" he exclaimed. ^^ You mate me tremple ! Hur've
pin reating apout these colt-plootet intivituals, until inteet hur pecan to
'pe/riffhtenty look you !"
" Dear me !" said Valentine, gravely. " But I hope it's all over ?"
*^ Oh, it's all over now : putt, upon my wort, phen hur reat apout
these tevils puming poor peoples' pellies, ant the like of that, hur
plush for their prutality."
'^ Well, never mind them now : I have something to say to you,
Fred. To-morrow, I am going into the country."
" To-morrow ! Oh I phot for V
^ To bring my mother up. T start early in the morning.''
^* Then inteet hur'll lie in pet all tay. Hur wont kit up ! It's no
use at all, look you ! Hur've nopotty to speak to : Louey is pusy,
ant ephery potty's pusy : and if hur co out, hur ton't know phere to
CO to."
" Would you like to go with me ?"
'* Phoot hur like ! My tear poy ! Apove all things pesites in the
worlt !"
*' Well then, be it so : well go down together ; but it is upwards of
seventy miles !"
'^ Hur ton't care a pit apout the miles, if it's seventy millions. ^You
say hur may co ?"
** I shall be glad of your company !"
^^ That's enough. Hur'll pe retty ; if hur sit up all night."
^' Oh ! we shall not have to start before nine ; so that if you call on
me about eight, we'll have breakfast together, and be off."
*' Hu/11 pe there, my poy : oh ! hur'll pe there. Hur'll kit lots of
cicais, ant we shall have such a peautiful rite. Too you phont any
coats ? pecause inteet hur've cot three of the pest in the worlt."
^* Well, you had better bring two : you may find them both usefuL
But I must be off to tell my unde ; for Ad has no idea of it yet."
472 LIFE AND ADTENTITRBS OF
" Hur mustn't co phith you ?"
^ Oh, yes : come along."
To the delight of Uewellen, they accordingly started, first to book
their places, and then to search for Uncle John, whom they eventually
found at the house, in the midst of the workmen, as dusty as any pri*
Tate gentleman need be.
^^ Ah ! Mr. Llewellen," he exclaimed, ^^ here we are you see, up to
our eyes in business. It will be a diiSbrent place though to look at this
day week," he added privately. '^ I intend to have all this done up,
and all this. Before I have done with it, Mr. Llewellen, it shall be fit
for any prince ! ^mark my words."
Valentine, drawing him aside, now explained to him what he pro-
posed to do in the morning.
^' I am right glad to hear it, my boy," cried Uncle John. *^ I was
thinking of the same thing myself this very day, for there are many
little matters that I find I can't manage: by all means, Yal, bring
her up !"
^' But I want her to be with Louise."
'' Well, well ; so she can be, my boy ; so she can ; but she vrill also
be able to give me a little advice if I should want it ! You had
better run and get my cheque book. The bank will be closed, you
know, before I get home."
^^ I have quite enough money," said Valentine.
" Well, but your mother may want some."
" I have plenty for both."
"If you are quite sure, why be it so. Have you an3rthing more
to say ?"
* Nothing."
'* Very well ; then run away with you. Mr. Llewellen, I'm going
to turn you out. I shall be home at six. You will dine with us, Mr.
Llewellen ?"
^^ Inteet hur shall pe most happy."
" You will not," said Uncle John, taking his hand " you vnll not
be more happy to be there, Mr. Llewellen, than I shall be to see yt)a.
But be off with you come, you have no business here !"
Being thus fairly turned out of the house, Valentine took Oewellen
* home with him, and gave him some cold beef and beer to amuse him-
self with, while he wrote to his mother, when they went for a stroll
until six.
At this hour Uncle John returned, and declared himself knocked up
as nearly as possible ; but as he felt an immense deal better during
dinner, everything passed off vrith unusual spirit. Whitely and Llew-
dlen became neat friends ; they paid the most marked attention to
each other : they seemed to be happy in each other's society, and con-
versed together with as little restraint as if they had been intimately ac-
quainted for years. The entertainments during the evening^ were various.
Valentine related how Echo had determined on marrj^ing jLlewellen,'and
Llewellen related how the portraits at the exhibition bail mysteriously
spoken, and how loudly he had been called by some particular friend of
VALBNTHTB tOX. 473
his, whom he was utterly nnable to find, and aa all this was perfectly
well undezstood both by Wbitely and Unole John, they were kept in
one continued roar of laughter.
Poor Whitely had not spent so happy an eyening for many, many
years ; he forgot all bis cares until Llewdlen had left, when tiie thought
of his boy buried gaiety in gloom.
With all the justly oelebrated punctuality of the sun, LleweUen re-
appeared in the morning at eight, and he and Valentine sat down to
breakfast ; but strange as it may appear ^and perhaps it was one of the
most extraordinary things that ever occurred to him Llewdlen
couldn't eat ! He had no appetite 1 A most substantial break&st had
been provided a breakfast which was after his own heart, and to
which he would at any other time have done the most ample justice ;
but while he tried hard, and marvelled greatly what on earth could be
the matter inside, all he could do was to get down five small cups of
coffee, three eggs, and a few extremely delicate slices of ham, which
could not altogether have weighed more than a pound. With this,
however, he felt himself bound to be content, and as Valentine finished
about the same time as he did, they took leave of Uncle John and
Whitely, and started.
As the coachman was about to mount his box when they arrived at
the inn, they at once took their seats and were off, and no sooner had
they got quite clear of the smoke than Uewellen sang every song he
could think of. He was in the highest possible spirits, and enjoyed
himself exceedingly : he got down every time they changed horses to
have a glass of '^ peautifuT peer," and offered his cigar case ever and
anon to every creature upon the coach.
In due time- to his unspeakable satisfaction ^they reached the
house at which the coach stops about seven minutes to enable the pas-
sengeis to have what is technically termed down there '' dinner," which
customarily consists of a roast leg of mutton, bread, potatoes, and cab-
bage, liewellen was not, however, at that particular period dainty,
and therefore at once set to work upon the mutton. Ho ought to have
paid for six. Being resolved to make up for what he deemed his lost
breakfast, he made the look of the joint vanish as if by magic. The
passengers were amazed : but said nothing, which was in all probability
much less than the host said when he looked at the remains of the
departed.
They now resumed their journey, and mirth and good humour again
began to flow, and continued to flow on until they arrived at their place
of destination, when the passengers, who usually tlten bless their
stars, seemed to think it a pity to part.
It was of course not long after this before Valentine felt that he was
in the arms of his mother. In the arms of no other creature breathing
could he have had those feelings which he experienced then. The poor
lady, it is true, could scarcely speak, but she expressed so much rapture,
and smiled through her tears with so much visible joy, that Liewellen,
as she welcomed him eloquently and warmly, really felt he possessed
a somewhat sensitive heart.
3p
474 LIFE AND APyENTITRES OF
^*' Well, now, my dear, tea is qnite ready," she obserred, as soon as
this buret of affection was over, '^ I'm sure you must feel vy fiunt. I
hope, ^*' she added, addressing liewellen, '^ that you wiU make youzadf
perfectly at home."
*^ Inteet t* oootness you have mate me at home alretty,'* replied
Uewellen.
^* I'm delighted to hear it ; come, draw to the table. Wdl, and how
did you leaye Miss Raven, my love ? I do so long to see her, you can^t
think !"
** She is qnite well ; all are quite weU," replied Valentine, ^^ of oooise
you will be able to go up with us to-morrow V
** To-morrow ! impossible ! my dearest boy, consider ! I have not
the least thing ready ! I've been preparing ever since I received your
letter this morning ; but as for going to-morrow ! indeed, my dear, the
thing is altogether out of the question. Besides it is not proper that
you should return to-morrow. I would not have you do it for the
world. To come down one day and go up again the next ! It would
really be sufficient to throw you on a bed of sickness. I am certain,
my love, you couldn't bear the fatigue. No ; what I was thinking of
is this : that if I can arrange things to-morrow, we can go up the next
day ! ^that will be pleasant if wo can manage it so."
*' You are not then quite sure even of that V
Why I think it can be done. At all events, I'U try. Yon. have
given me no time to pVepare ! The thing was so unexpected ! But I
think notwithstanding that I may venture to say that I am sure we
shall be able to go then."
During this short colloquy the chickens were fiist disappearing.
Liewellen was at them, and doing full justice to each particular joint.
^ I am glad to see you eat," said the widow, very innocently;
** Valentine, my love, pray help Mr, liewellen to some more ham."
^' Mr. Liewellen," returned Valentine, ^^ likes to help himself,
mother," which was a fact.
*^ Cootness knows it, these chickens are peautifiil," observed Llew-
eUen."
" I am very glad you like them."
** Inteet hur enjoy them much, look you ; ant as for the peer I they
ton't prew such peer in Caermarthen."
** We are famous for beer here," observed Valentine ; *^ how old is
this, mother?"
" Two years, my love."
** Two years olt ! Tear t' cootness, now, is it two years olt ? Phy
town phere hur come from, they prew it on the Satortay, and trink it on
the Montay ! Two years ! phell inteet now, it is very excellent."
And it was very excellent, and he drank a great quantity of it, and
he enjoyed himself over it during the whole of the evening, whioh was
spent vety happily by all.
The next day was occupied chiefly by Valentine in showing Liewellen
the ancient architectural beauties of the town, and by the vridow, in
VALENTINE VOX 475
making preparations for her journey, which she looked upon as being
tremendous, and the following morning they started.
As a pure matter of courtesy to the lady, ^by whom he felt that he
had been most kindly treated, and whom he reidly admired very much,
Llewellen had insisted upon riding inside. This Valentine knew was
an ordeal which, as he went through it, he would feel very severely, and
for the first forty miles he most certainly did, for he could neither smoke
the beautiful cigars he had with him, nor get out etery time they
changed horses for beer ; but when they had dmed, he felt nothing more
of it, for he instantly fell fast asleep, and slept soundly untu they
reached town.
As Valentine had duly advised Uncle John of their intention to come
up that day, he considerately met them at the coach and conducted
them home. Here every thing essential to their immediate com-
fort was prepared, and they had tea together, and were really very
happy. The widow thought that Uncle John looked, if anything,
somewhat more pale than he was wont ; but as he assured her that he
never was better in liis life she was perfectly content.
^^ But do I look pale T he inquired. '^ Do you really now think T
look pale T
*' Why, I do not mean to say that it is an unhealthy paleness ; but
you do not look so ruddy as you did."
Uncle John went to the glass and examined the colour of his coun-
tenance most minutely ; but he really could not himself perceive any
striking alteration. But then, seeing himself as he did fs^^iY day, he
admitted mentally that he was not perhaps quite so well able to judge
as one who had not seen him for months. Still he did think that the
change was not very alarming, more especially as he remembered that
wliile shaving that morning, it had struck him that he looked extremely
well. And yet when he came to recollect himself he had felt for
several days rather queer, which might, it was true, be indicative of the
gradual decay of nature ; but he really, when he reflected upon the
matter calmly again, was not by any means willing to believe that it
was so. *' The foct is, my girl," said he, *' I have been of late so
flurried, that it wouldn't be surprising if I looked even paler than I do.
For the last week, indeed, I have scarcely had a wink ; and 111 defy any
man, if he's as strong as an elephant, to look so well as he ought to
look, if he hasn't his natural rest."
" Oh, you look very well. My remark applied simply to your
colour ; but mere colour does not always, you know, indicate the exist-
ence of health."
Uncle John was, however, not satisfied: if any other friend had
then dropped but a hint having reference to his paleness, he would
doubtless have fancied himself rather ill.
Immediately after tea, Llewellen and Valentine left them, the one to
herald the virtues of the widow to Louise, and the other to assure her
of his safe return. Valentine found that he had been anxiously ex-
pected, and when she had eflectionately welcomed him back, Llewellen
commenced a long tale having reference to the admirable characteristica
of the widow.
476 LIFE AND ADTBNTURES OF
^'She is a plain, good, kind, motherly cieatoie," said Valentine, an*
zious to put an end to liewellen's wann eulogia. '' But Fred is going
rather too far.''
^^ Not a pit," cried liewellen, ^^ she's a tear of a woman, bur atmiie
her I ant Louey ! she cave me such peer ! two years olt, Louey I
peer two years olt !"
^' Oh, I'm sure I shall love her !" said Louse. ^' I know I shall,
dearly. I must be introduced to her you know, the first thing in the
morning. What time shall I call ?"
^* Oh ! do not call, my love," stud Valentine. ^ There will be no
necessity for that, she can come with me here."
"But papa, my dear, insists upon my calling. He says that 1
ought to call first, in order to prevml upon her to return with me ; and
I am sure that I am anxious, most anxious to show her every possible
respect."
Valentine, in a moment saw how the matter stood, and therefore said
no more about it, he simply at the suggestion of Louise, named the
time and there left it.
And now," said Louise, playfully, looking at her watch, " 111
allow you to remain with me ten minutes longer, and then you must
go home and have a long night's rest."
" I am not at all fatigued, my dear girl."
" Oh, I am sure that you must be ! Poor Fred, you see, is already
asleep."
** Well, it certainly is extraordinary that he should be asleep."
" I am aware, of course, that that is no criterion ; but ten minutes
loiter ! 111 allow you no more."
Valentine consented to remain but ten minutes ; and they then con-
versed earnestly upon the subject which almost exclusively occupied
their thoughts, until something induced Louise to look again at the
watch, when she found that two hours had flovni away somehow.
^' Good gracious!" she exclaimed. "There, do not remain another
moment. Here, have I been keeping you all this time when you ou^ht
to have been at rest, poor boy ! There, good night. Be sure you give
my dearest love at home I"
They embraced each other, and having mutually exclaimed, ^' Ood
bless you !" with heartfelt nncerity- they parted.
In the morning, at the appointed time, Louise arrived in the carriage.
Valentine had quite prepared his mother for this, and had endeavouied
to oonvince her that it was '' nothing," which the good lady even when
she saw it could scarcely believe. But oh ! when Louise entered the
room and flew towards her, and kissed her, and hung on her neck, and
expressed herself happy, all considerations having reference to stylc
vanished ; she felt that she loved her at once.
Louise, on this occasion was dressed as plainly as possible, and this
tended not only to heighten the effect of her natural charms, but to
enhance the good opimon of her friend, who saw in her, not what she
would have turned a ^' fine lady," but a gentle affectionate amiable girli
one whom she could love without any restraint. On the other baa^
TALENTINB VOX. 477
Louise was delighted with her : she felt that she had then indeed a friend
in whom she could confide : nay, she felt that she then had a mother.
Under these delightful circumstances and they were most delightful
to hoth ^they sat down side by side upon the sofa, and chatted together,
and opened their hearts to each other as unreservedly as if they had
really been parent and child. Louise was impatient to take her homo.
^' I will indeed," she exclaimed, ^' endeavour to make you so happy !
and papa will be so highly pleased to see you ; and everjrthing will be
so delightful !''
*'*' Indeed, my dear child, I feel already that I cannot but be happy
with you I"
^' You are a dear good soul,'* returned Louise, *' and I equally feel
that I cannot but love you."
Talentine at this point re-entered the room, and as the widow then
retired to '^ put on her things," Louise began to laud her to the skies.
And she did so with most unaffected sincerity ; she felt what she ex-
pressed : she did love her with the purest affection.
^' Now my dear child ; I am quite at your service," said the widow,
on her return with much gaiety.
The bell was rung and Valentine prepared to go with them, when
it was pla3rfully intimated that the honour of his company was not then
desired.
" Well, but give me a ride !" cried Valentine. " Let me see you
home ! I don't want to interfere with your mystic arrangements I"
Nor did he. All he wanted was to bo by the side of his mother,
lest on getting into the carriage she should feel at all embarrassed ; but
as he found that they both understood each other perfectly, he just saw
her introduced to Raven and left them*
* During his absence from town great progress had been made. The
carpenters, and the plasterers, ana the glaaders, and the paper-hangers,
under the active surveillance of Uncle John, had prepared the house for
the reception of the furniture which had already been chosen, and
which certainly reflected great credit upon his taste. Tliat only had to
come in, and when it did come in it was interesting to notice the spirit
and pride with which he superintended the whole of the arrangements.
In his view Raven must of necessity be astonished. He felt perfectly
certain of that ; and as that was one of the greatest immediate objects
he had in view he was happy.
On the other hand Raven had not been inactive. Jewels, which had
not for years seen the light, had been drawn from their obscurity, po-
lished and reset to embeilbh Louise on the bridal mom.
These Louise in the natural pride of her heart could not conceal from
the eyes of her dear kind friend. To her all were displayed, and the
widow was amazed at their dazzling beauty ; but when Louise placed
before her a watch thickly studded with brilliants, which Raven in-
tended to present actually to her^ she scarcely knew how to express, or
what to do with herself, her delight was so intense.
And thus matters proceeded ; each taking the greatest pleasure in
the task to be performed, and all feeling in the highest degree happy.
478 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
Louise got on amazingly with the assistance of her frirad, whom she
considered the most clever creature breathing ! Oh, no one could be
by possibility comparable with her ! The Misses Stevens who were
to be the bridemaids were nothing equal to her, although at one time
she did think them clever in the extreme.
The day approached. Louise began to count the hours, and Valen-
tine's heart beat high. Nothing could exceed in brightness the pros-
pect before them. Not a cloud was visible : all was clear to Uie
uorizon, and below it they had not the smallest doubt that all was
equally beautiful and fiur.
Uncle John was nearly ready. They felt certain, from the delight
which his features pourtrayed, that his views had been met ; but not
one of them was suffered to enter the house ! No : tphn the place was
tidy, they might all be admitted : he should indeed be most happy to
see them all then : but not before !^Such was the edict.
The task which Raven had proposed to himself had already been
performed, with the exception, of course, of that which was not to be
accomplished until the very day. He had therefore more time on his
hands than the rest: which time he spent chiefly alone. On the
evening, however, before the day on which they were all to dine spe-
cially with him which was the day before that on which the ceremony
was appointed to take place ^he took occasion to intimate to Valentine
that he wished to have a word with him in private. Valentine
was then on the point of leaving for the night, but he stopped of course
then, and as the rest, hearing the intimation given, at once retired, he
and Raven were left alone.
'' My dear boy," said Raven after a pause, ^' the day is at hand ^the
day on which I hope that you and Louise will commence a long and
uninterrupted career of happiness and as I shall not have another
opportunity of speaking to you on the subject I wish now to say a few
but a yery few words, before you take my girl from me. My boy,"
he continued, with great intensity of feeling '^ All the confidence that
man can have in man I have in you. I know you to be affectionate, I
know you to be firm : I know that you possess too the spirit of a man,
to bear up boldly against difficulties whatever shape they may assume ;
but I am getting old, and weak, and apprehensive, my boy, and that
weakhess in spite of my conviction of its being unnecessary
prompts me to claim of you now a solemn promise, that whatever may
occur to me God knows what may ! ^but whatever may occur, you
will be firm, still firm, to Louise !*'
** Most solemnly," said Valentine, " I do promise this ; and every
feeling of affection, as well as every principle of honour, binds me to the
faithful performance of that promise. '
" You will never desert her, let what may happen to me f '
* Never !"
'' I am content. I never doubted your firmness, I never doubted
your sincerity : believe me, my boy, I never did ; but I felt it my duty
to obtain this promise from you although it was previously implied
being sure that by any promise directly given, you would feel bound
VALENTINE VOX. 479
for ever. In life, my dear boy, a variety of things occur to us of
which we have no previous conception, while things of which we are
daily nay hourly in dread never occur to us at all. None of us can tell
what may happen. But I am happy in the conviction, that whatever
may happen to me, you will still be firm to poor Louise."
^^ Heaven forbid that anything should happen to you of sufficient im
portance to bring my firmness to the test."
"Tothat Isay Amen."
** I cannot conceive," continued Valentine, "the possibility of anything
occurring to you which could do so much as that, for were you even to
be lost to us, the effect upon me would be to make me feel that 1 was
bound to Louise by an additional tie, being the only one as I should
be then ^to whom she had to look for protection. Fear not then :
under any circumstances I tcill be firm : I cannot be a traitor to my
hefuri l"
*' You are a noble boy ! I hope nothing may occur ; still the brain
of an old man teems with strange fears. But away now with all ap-
prehensions. May you be for ever happy ! Were anything to happen
to that poor girl, I should never survive it. She has been to me all
that a child should be to a father, and I feel in my heart that to her I
have been all that a father should be to a child. God bless her ! bless
you both ! You will not mention what I have said to a soul ; for
others might imagine that I should not have said what I have if I did
in reality ^as I do in reality place implicit confidence in your
honour !"
Valentine promised that not a syllable on the subject should be men-
tioned, and when Raven had again assured him that he held him in the
highest admiration he took his leave. Still he could not but think all
this strange. He could well understand how a father, on the eve of the
marriage of his child, should feel anxious deeply anxious for her
welfare ; but he could not at all understand why troubles of which
no prospect appeared should at such a time as that be, without the
slightest reason, apprehended. He would not, however, dwell upon
that then. Raven he knew was an eccentric creature, and to that he
attributed all.
In the morning Uncle John, having completed his task, gave notice
that at one o'clock precisely he should do himself the pleasure of calling
at the residence of Mr. Raven, to take him, Louise, Valentine, Llew-
ellen, and the widow to see the house ; and accordingly at the hour
appointed he did call, and found them all prepared, and very anxious
to see it.
" I have the honour to announce to you, ladies and gentlemen,'' he
observed, with all possible pomp, as his little eyes twinkled with plea-
sure, " I have the honour to announce that the future residence of
certain parties, one of whom shall be especially nameless, for her
name is bow scarcely worth twenty hours' purchase, is perfectly ready
for inspection ; and I have also the honour to announce that the humble
individual who now stands before you will be happy to conduct you
thereto without delay !"
480 LIFE Ain ADTBNTVBSS OF
This announcement was huled with delight, andthef were all moei
happy to shake hands with the herald. Mid to plaee UieinselTes under
his guidance. The carriage, which had heen ordered at one on the
strength of his reputation for punctuality, was then at the door ; and
therefore all but Llewellen and Valentine entered it at onoe^ Unde
John having given instructions to the two outcasts to take a cab and
keep behind them ; and thus in due time they arrived at the theatre of
his glory.
What pleasure they afl expressed when they eiitered tlie house; what
raptures they were all in as they passed through the rooms; what de-
light in short every arrangement inspired, may be conceived. Under
less auspicious circumstances probably they would have felt, as a
matter of course, bound to express themselves with some oonsid^able
warmth ; but here was ample reason for their rapture. Unde John
had not realised his sanguine anticipations alone; he had surpaased
them ! he had indeed made it ^^ a residence iit for any prinoe !"
8uch being the case then, Valentine, knowinff that the cdlars had
been also well furnished, proposed with great eloquence, Unck John's
health, a propositioa to which all responded, and the wine was produced,
when his health was drank, and then, ^' Health to the bride !" and
then that of the bridegroom, and then Mr. Raven's, and then the
widow's, and then Llewellen's the whole of which were honoured
with the utmost cordiality, and every heart seemed filled with joy.-
AU but Uncle John then returned. He had to go home to drees for
dinner, and to give an impetus to the movements of Whitely ^who, on
this particular occasion had been especially invited whidi he did, and
that with so much success, that precisely M half past six, they left
home to join the happy people at the house of Mr. Raven.
On their arrival Louise, Valentine, Raven, liewellen, and the widow,
were assembled in the drawing-room, chatting so gaily, and lookii^ so
joyous, that they seemed quite resolved that the cares of the woild
should be shut out at least for the night.
At this happy moment Uncle John and Whitely entered, and Louise
ran to meet Mr. Wliitely and to give him a smiling welcome, which fae
gracefully acknowledged ; but the instant the eye of Raven met fais^ he
started as if struck with paralysis. In Raven he beheld the seducer oi
his wife! and ho stood for a moment struggling with those (JeeliBgs
which the sight of him had aroused ; but as the vivid recollection of
his wrongs rushed at once with overwhelming impetuosity upon him,
he sprang at Raven's throat vrith maniacal fury.
^' Villain !" he exclaimed fiereely. *' Gruel, heartless, monstrous
villain ! My children ! where, tthere are my children ?"
''Stand off!" cried LleweUen.
'' Are you mad ?" exclaimed Valentine. '' Let go your hold I" and
he instantly forced him back and held him.
Raven uttered not a word. He sank at onoe upon the breast of
LleweUen, by whom he was borne senseless from the room.
o
VALENTINE VOX. 481
CHAPTER LVII.
EXPLAINING VARIOUS MATTEBS TOUCHING THE ILL-TIMED RECOGNITION.
For some time after Raven who was instantly followed by the fainting
Louise, and her dear trembling friend ^had left the room, Whitely,
Uncle John, and Valentine, stood in mute amazement. The expression
of Whitely's countenance, however, amounted almost to that of mad-
ness ; his eyes rolled frightfally, and he ground his teeth fiercely,
while his hands were ti^tly clenched, as if indeed he had liad still
Raven's throat in his grasp.
At length a word from Uncle John broke the spell which thus bound
him, and he exclaimed, '^ ^hy, why, do I stand heie^ when I have him
in my power V
^' Hold !" cried Valentine, as Whitely made an attempt to rush from
the room. " Would you murder the man ?"
Murder him !"
^' This is neither the time nor the place for you to seek -redress of
wrongs.'*
" What are time and place to me ?" exclaimed Whitely. *' What
is courtesy to me, when I have that monstrous villain within my
reach!"
" By Heaven !" cried Valentine, " you shall not leave this room
except with the view of quitting the house. If he he the man by
whom you have been injured, you know where he is to be found :
proceed against him legiJly as you please ; but while / have strength
to prevent it, you shall touch him no more."
Whiiely stood and looked wildly at Valentine; but knowing his
resolute character, he made no attempt to force his way.
*' My good Mend,*' said Uncle John, soothingly, " pray be advised :
pray, pray do not let passion blind you to reason. I know you have
cause for being thus ; I know that your wrongs have been dreadful ;
but come, let us talk the matter over : let us see what is best to be
done. It is certainly a melancholy thing a very melancholy thing ;
but my dear friend, no good can arise from any frantic desire for re-
venge ! Come, let us go together : be guided by me : indeed I would
not advise you to pursue any course inconsistent with your duty as a
man. There, let us return : there, that's right : I knew that you would
be reasonable : I knew you'd be advised."
Whitely was passive as Uncle John took his arm, and permitted
himself to be led from the house without uttering anotlier word.
Valentine now was alone; but although the event had come
like a thunderbolt upon him, he soon recovered his self-possession.
" This, then, is what Raven so much dreaded !" thought he, " this
is the discovery which he imagined would so strongly test my
firmness. Well ; the test has been applied. Has that firmness been
shaken ? Why should it be ? why should I love Louise less than
3q
482 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
before ! Doubtless her father deserves the epithet applied to him by
Whitely : doubtless he has been a seducer, a villain ; but ought that to
undermine my affection for Louise, or to induce me to lreak my
plighted faith to her, solely because she is his child ? Are we never to
admit the fact when we behold it, that a &ir branch may spring
from a foul stem ? Is every beautiful bud to be blighted, because cor-
ruption is to be found in the parent tree ? If the child cannot be free
from those vices which characterise the parent^ honour, innocence, and
purity, can have no existence but in name. However desperately
wicked a &ther may be, it sorely does not follow that he must of ne-
cessity contaminate his child. In this case I am sure that it is not so,
and hence, were he even loaded with iniquities, I could never desert
her/'
Having paced the room for some time, deeply engaged in sng^estjog
with the view of repudiating every objection which could by possibiUty
be urged, he rang the bell, for all in the house appeared to be in a most
extraordinary state of excitement. No one answered. He rang again;
still no one appeared. A third time he rang with some violence, and
eventually the sentimental porter came up, and with tears in his eyes,
inquired if it were true that he had rung.
" I want Mor^n," said Valentine, " tell her to come here."
'^ She's with Missis, sir: poor dear Missis! which is very iU, sir*
I*m afeared that' she never will get over it."
" Get over what, sir ? What do you mean ? Desire one of the
girls to tell my mother I wish to see her."
The fellow heaved a heavy sigh, and having turned his eyes upwards,
so dexterously that the pupils became completely invisible, quitted the
room with an elaborately lengthened visage.
In a short time the widow appeared, and having throvm her arms
round the neck of Valentine, buried her face in his bosom and sobbed
aloud.
'' Mother, mother!" said he, as he led her te the sofa. ^'Come,
come, come, you must not go on thus."
^' Oh, my dear, this is sad, very sad : it is indeed very shocking,
and at such a time too !"
^' It is unfortunate, most unfortunate : but how is Louise ?"
" Poor thing ! I don't know how in the world she will ever survive
it. She has been twice in the most violent hysterics, and she is now
crying fit to break her heart. I much fear that it will prove her death-
blow."
**' Nonsense, nonsense, mother I The thing is bad enough, it is true;
but it is not so dreadful as it at first sight appears."
" Oh, but it is a very terrible shock to the feelings of a poor dear
girl, at so critical a time as this."
" Well, well : can I see Louise V
^^ Bless you, my dear, not on any account. She is in bed, and we
have sent for the physician, and I expect him here every instant. |
am sure that if she were to see you now, she would go off again and
we should never bring her to."
VALENTINE TOX. 483
*' I am afraid that you are but a poor comforter, mother : but return
to her and cheer her, and give her this kiss, and tell her from me that
she must bear up against it ; that the effects of the shock will very
soon pass away ; that it really is nothing particularly terrible, and that
notwithstanding what has occurred, I shall be ready in the morning at
eleven precisely/'
**" Oh ! that, my love, is altogeiher out of the question ; that must
be postponed."
*' Why should it V
^^ Hark I that is the physician ; yes, there is his carriage. Ill come
again, my poor boy, as soon as I can ; but pray keep up your spirits."
^^ Keep up your's, mother; and be sure you keep up those of
Louise."
The widow promised to do so, if possible, and darted from the room
to receive the physician.
Valentine could not feel surprised at Louise having been shocked at
this ill-timed discovery ; he thought it, under the circumstances, but
natural ; and as he did not apprehend that any thing serious would en-
sue, he resolved not to give way at all to dejection. He therefore rang
the beU again, and when the same puritanical person, whom Valentine
did not suppose to be more virtuous than the rest of his easte^ re-ap-
peared, he desired him to inform Mr. Llewellen, that he was anxious
to have a word with him there.
The porter, who appeared to be somewhat more dreadfully afflicted
than before, vanished gradually to accomplish the object of his mission,
and in a short time Llewellen came into the room.
'' My tear poy," said he, '* phot's all this treatful pusiness? Inteet hur
can make neither het nor tail of it at all, look you !"
" How is your Uncle?" inquired Valentine.
*^ Inteet, now, he seems very poorly. Put phot tit Whitely mean
py his chiltren ?"
^' He was enraged," replied Valentine, who perceived that Llewellen
had not been much enlightened on the subject. ^^ It appears to be an
unhappy affair altogether."
^^ So it is ; put hur tout unterstant it ! hur fear there's something
treatful at the pottom of it, look you ! Inteet t'cootness hur to."
^^ I wish you would do me a favour," said Valentine^ who felt that
as Llewellen knew nothing about the matter, he might just as weU bo
kept still in ignorance as not. '' I wish you would iml Mr. Raven that
I should be happy to speak with him for one moment."
** By all means. Hur wish you coot kit to the pottom of it ; for al-
though hurVe pin sitting with him all thb time, hur havn't pin aple to
kit him to explain a single wort."
* Tell him I'll not detain him long."
*^ Very coot," said Llewellen, who left the room at once ; and after a
lapse of three minutes, which were occupied by Valentine in rehearsing
the part he had to perform, he returned with a communication, the sub-
stance of which was, that Raven was so unwell, that he felt quite un-
equal to the task of conversing with him upon the subject then ; but he
484 LIFE AND ADYENTURES OF
hoped, that in a few hours he should be sufficiently recovered to do so.
*' Hur tout at all ki^ow phot's the matter," added Llewellen. ** Inteet
it's all a mysterious trcam to me ; hur, only know, that hur neyer saw
tears in my Uncle's eyes pefore. Put hur say, my poy : how apout
tinner ? Is that to pe totally knocked on the hot V
*' Unhappily, tho dinner which we were to have had, has been com-
pletely set aside by this unfortunate affiur."
^* Put we must have some sort of a tinner. We can't pe starved to
teth ! Hur wish t' cootness that Whitely hat pin at the pottom of the
Tet Sea, insteat of coming here to kick up a preese before tinner. Pat
let's see apout it : let's co town at once. Hur know there are some
peautiful things, pecausc poor Louey tolt me : therefore let's eo town
and see apout the pusiness. We shall all pecome skeletons upon the
face of the earth 1"
Valentine consented to accompany him, not, indeed, because be had
the slightest inclination to eat then ; but because, having nothing else
to do, it was, at least, as far as he was concerned, immaterial whether
he sat at the table with him or not. Llewellen, of course, did not suffer
much time to elapse before he ordered dinner up, and when in r^ular
course it was produced, he certainly held it to be a lamentable thing
that the rest should have been deprived of the enjoyment thereof. He
did not, however, consider himself justified in permitting his gnef on
that account, to interfere with his appetite. It would, perhaps, have
been unwise if he had ; but whether such would in reality have been
the case or not, ho thought it perfectiy unnecessary, and therefore as-
sailed each course with all his wonted zeal. He was, notwithstanding,
much annoyed at the fact of Valentine being so delicate on that occasion,
and contended that the circumstance of a man s appetite having the
faculty of being destroyed by other means than those of eating, was a
phenomenon which had never been sufficienUy explained. This position
was not impugned. Valentine had no disposition at that time to sup-
ply the desideratum, for although he had firmly resolved on bearing up
agunst any disappointment of which the ill-timed event might be pro*
ductive, he was not in good spirits, nor did he feel then the slightest
inclination to force them.
It was not until Llewellen had nearly finished his dinner, that the
physician left the house, but the moment he had left, the widow came
to communicate to Valentine the fact, that poor Louise was in a high
state of fever, and that therefore she would have to be kept for seveial
days perfectly quiet. ^^ I explained to the physician," she added, ^' what
was to have taken place in the morning ; but although he assured me
that the poor dear girl was in no absolute danger, ne dedaied that
every idea of that kind must be utterly abandoned."
This point, then, was settled, and Valentino received the intelligeDce
with firmness ; and having begged of his mother to return to Ix^uise
instantly, and to let him know the moment the slightest change took
place, he buried himself in his own thoughts, making his ardent anxiety
for Louise, to some extent, counteract the bitterness of that feeling of
disappointment, which he found it impossible entirely to suppiess*
VALENTINE TOX. 485
While he was thus occupied, expecting every moment to be summoned
by Raven, Whitely and Uncle John were engaged in a warm conver-
sation, touching the most correct course to be pursued. Whitely, as
might have been anticipated, argued the propriety of vengeance. He
contended that he was justified in inflicting upon his enemy the utmost
terrors of the law : and declared that if he succeeded in doing nothing
else, he would have him denounced in a court of justice to the world,
and held up to lasting execration. Uncle John, on the contrary, sug-
gested a compromise, and offered to effect it on the most briUiant terms,
having resolved, if even Raven would not accede to his proposal, to
make up the amount himself. But Whitely spumed the idea at once.
'^ What 1" he exclaimed indignantly, *^ compromise in a case of this
description with so 'consummate, so monstrous a villain ! Never! I'll
pursue him with the utmost rigour : it shall never be said that 1 com-
promised my honour, which in reality I should do, by consenting to
compromise with him.'*
^* But let us look at this matter more calmly, my friend," said Uncle
John ; 'Met us look at it solely as men of the world. You have been
wronged, deeply wronged: of that I cannot entertain the smallest
doubt, and you are justified in bringing him who has wronged you to
justice, nay, you are in a social sense bound to do so if it be possible ;
but although I can have no moral doubt whatever of the u;t, allow me
to ask, what l^aU proof have you that you have been wronged by this
man?"
" Oh ! I can produce a chain of circumstances, sufficiently*strong to
bring it home to him legally. Fll fix him I Oh, he.shall not escape 1'*
'^ Very well, in that case I still say that you are bound to act pre-
cisely as you propose ; but for your own sake, be sure that ample
means are available before you proceed too far.''
It was perfectly clear to Uncle John that Whitely had no such means ;
and being, therefore, more anxious to effect a compromise than ever, he
left him to call upoa Raven with the view of suggesting to him the
expediency of some private arrangement.
On arriving at the house, he was immediately shown into the dining
room, which was occupied still by Valentine and Uewellen ; and al-
though he expected that, as a matter of course, the suddrai shock would
be sufficient to induce a postponement of the marriage, it affected him
deeply when he heard of the serious illness of Louise.
Having expressed his concern very feelingly, and endeavoured to con-
sole Valentine by all the means in his power knowing well that he
felt much more than he appeared to feel he inquired for Raven, and
on learning that he was still in his room, he begged Uewellen to inform
him that he wished to have five minut^' conversation with him alone.
^' Tell him," he added, ^Hhat it is on a subject of immediate importance,
and that although it may be settled in five minutes, there is now not a
moment to bo lost."
Llewellen accordingly went to deHver this message, and shortly
returned with an answer to the effect, that although Itaven still felt
exceedingly ill, he had consented to see him. Uncle John, therefore,
486 LIFE AND AOTENTURB8 OF
immediately followed his guide, by whom he was ushered at onoe into
the room.
As he entered, RaTen was sitting at the table in a state of eztRsne
dejection, but he rose on the instant, and said with a fBJtering Toioe,
** My friend, for a friend I must still consider you, however mudi yon
may loathe the sight of me, ^this, indeed, is a terrible afair/'
Uncle John took his hand, and then sat down beside him, and then
eaid^ ''It is a sad business. But,* he added, after a pause, '' it is a
thing which must be met ! It is useless now to mourn the event or to
dweU upon that which induced it. What has happened has happened.
I wish not to refer to it now, but as a thing which having been done
cannot be undone. But here is an immediate difficulty, one which
must be fiioed : the only question, therefore is, how is it to be sur-
mounted r
*' That, indeed, is the question. How can it be ? What can be pro-
posed ? How am I to act?"
'' Can it not be in some way arranffedl Can it not be done privatdy
without having recourse to law V*
'' As far as I am concerned, most willingly would I do anything to
settle it. I'll give him ten thousand pouncua, or if that will not satisfy
him, I'll give liim fifteen or even twenty, provided he will undertake
to annoy me no more."
" It was in order to suggest something of that kind that I came here
this evening. I have named the subject to him already, and although
he was naturally indignant, and spumed the idea of a compromise,
declaring that he would have law and nothing but law, I think that
eventually he might bo induced to consent to some arrangement, which
I am sure would be better for all parties concerned."
'' Let him but consent to any arrangement, and I am willing to
agree to it at once. I'U give him anything to settle it : any sum he
thinks proper to demand : and I could suggest something which would
render the expediencv of such a settlement apparent in his calmer mo-
ments, even to him.'
'' What is it ? Let me know that I may urge it, for I am really
most anxious to prevail upon him to adopt, as a matter of expediency,
the course now proposed."
'' My friend," said Raven, with deliberate intensity, '' I am perfectly
well aware that you abhor the crime of which I at once acknowledge to
you that I am guilty, as much as any man can; but as, before me, you
have suppressed what you feel, and have come to me in the diancter
of a man of the world to argue the matter upon worldly grounds alone,
I will meet you upon those grounds, with ihe view of stating what I
conceive to be sufficient to convince Mr. Whitdy or Whitbread, as I
alwa3rs understood his name to be of the expediency at least of con-
senting to settle the matter, as I am anxious it should be settled, and
that without delay. In the first place, then, let us look at the oouisa
which he proposes to pursue : I would not injure that man more deeply
than he has already been injured ; I would not have him incur legal
expenses, which must, of necessity, fall upon him ; nor am I willing to
VALBNTIKB VOX. 487
take advantage of his position, as I sufficiently prove, by offering him
any sum of money he thinks proper to claim. But he proposes to go
to law ; and he can do so, doubtless : there is nothing more easy than
for a man to go to law ; but I am anxious to have hun imderatand, at
once, that no law can touch me ! He has, of course, told you all. Ho
charges me, in the first place, with the seduction of his wife. How
can he, legsJly^ substantiate that charge ? How is he to prove it ?
What witnesses can he produce ? He can produce no witnesses ; and,
if he could, as the thing happened nearly fifteen years ago, he could not
brin^ an action against me now ; wlule, even, if we assume that he
could bring his action, the amount of damages he could obtain would
be as nothing when compared with the sum I now offer to give him.
As far as that is concerned then, it is manifest that he would in any
case be a loser by going to law ; and when we come to the other charge,
which refers to his confinement as a lunatic, it cannot be shown that I
had any thing to do with that transaction ; and, if even it could, he
must know it to be perfectly ridiculous to suppose that I am legally
responsible for the acts of the two physicians, by whom the certificate
was signed, and whose signatures alone would indemnify me if J had
even been directly instrumental in obtaining them ; but I had nothing
whatever to do with the certificate ; my name does not in any way
appear ; so that he can have no possible grounds for proceeding against
me as the person who caused him to be confined. If, therefore, he will
but reflect upon this ; if he can but be brought to understand his posi-
tion, which is in reality one of utter helplessness, as far as the law is
concerned, he cannot fail to perceive the expediency of consenting to
some such arrangement as that now proposed. I should not have
spoken thus on a subject of this kind, had you not appeared here with
the view, not of denouncing the crime of which I have been guilty,
but of suggesting the best means of meeting the difficulty which that
crime has induced. I should have been, under any other circumstances,
ashamed to argue the matter as I have done in this cool calculating
strain ; for, however hateful I may appear, I still hope that I am not
dead to every proper feeling; but as you wished to know what I
could urge, at all calculated to promote a private settlement of this
most unhappy affair, I felt myself justified in stating the case as if the
point to be considered were one of a pecuniary character solely."
To every word of this Uncle John listened with deep attention. He
weighed eyery sentence as Raven deliberately proceeded, and could not
but feel, that in a worldly point of view, nothing could be more con-
clusive. He had, indeed, formed an exceedingly bad opinion of bis
character as a man, but he looked upon him then but as an advocate ;
and being firmly convinced that the course proposed was the only one
which Wnitely could pursue with any chance of success, he at once ex-
pressed his determination to employ all the means in his power, with
the view of inducing him to adopt it.
^^ Pray, do sa," said Raven ; ^^ not for me, but for the sake of my
child. For her sake I am anxious that this matter should not be ex-
posed in a court of law ; for although I know that no law can reach
488 LIFE AND ADVBNTURBB OP
me, the public disgrace of which the fiict of its beine hroiigbt into
court) might be productive, would lender my poor gin wretched for
life. lie is justified, of course, in doing all he can against me; but by
eoing to law, he will but injure himself, not me ; except, indeed, in so
Sir as the expoti may be concerned ; and I question much, whether he
can brii^ sufficient evidence to induce even the public to believe him,
anxious as Uiey invariably are to believe every ihmg which happens to
be charged against a man. Urge him - pray, urge him I to look at
the thing in this light. He cannot, in any way, benefit himself: he
vnll, on the contrary, have to pay ruinously for any attempt to obtain
l^al revenge. Use your utmost influence : prevail upon him, if pos-
sible, to consent to an arrangement. I think, that if he can bring him-
self to look at the case as it stands, with reference solely to his power
to injure me, he will eventually yield.''
" I think so, too," said Uncle John ; ^^ I'll return to him at once,
and put each point as strongly as possible.*
^^ But, my friend, independently of this, what is to be done ?'*
'* We had better enter into no other subject at present. Let this be
settled first. That to which we have looked forward with so mudi
pleasure, must now, of course, be postponed."
*^ That," said Raven, '^ is inevitable. But, Valentine, he has been
waiting to see me all the evening, and I know that he bears up against
it like a man ; but I really have not nerve enough to meet him, my
friend T
*^ It is unnecessary that you should do so now. I'll take him home
with me. He has been waiting, I apprehend, more with the view of
beinenear poor Louise."
^' Thank Heaven ! she is now much more calm. If any thing were
to happen to her, the little time I have to live would be passed in con-
stant torture."
*^ Let us hope for the best. I have not the smallest doubt that with
care she will soon be restored. But, good-night. This task must, if
possible, be accomplished before I sleep. '
*^ I leave it with confidence entirely in your hands. Whatever you
propose I will gladly accede to."
Uncle John tiien left him, and looked in upon Valentine, who, having
just heard from his mother that Louise was going on extremely well,
and that, moreover, she was then calmly sleeping, consented to aooom-
?any him home; and on their way he applauded the anxiety of his
[ncle to effect a private settlement of the affair ; and his Uncle, in re-
turn applauded his declaration, that, notwithstanding what had oc-
curred, or what might occur hereafter, prejudicial to the character of
Raven, he felt, and should continue to feel, bound to keep fuih with
Louise.
On reaching home, they were informed by Mrs. Smugman, who ap-
peared at the door much perturbed, that Horace was in the house in a
state of intoxication, as she strongly suspected ; that he had forced his
way into Goodman's chamber ; and that, after having acted with much
violence there, he went into the drawing-room, from which he declared
TALBNTINE VOX. 4W
that he never u)ould stir till they returned. They were both, of course,
highly indignant at this, and proceeded at once to the drawing-room,
where they found Horace stretched fast asleep upon the so& It was
not long before they aroused him, although he cdept soundly, for they
were not at the moment extremely choice of the means by which
persons are, under peculiar circumstances, awakened : they had him up
in the shortest possible period of time, and the moment their efforts had
been crowned with success, he exclaimed, *^ Ah ! my two trumps !
Well, how aite you V
*^ What is your business with us ?" sternly demanded Uncle John.
*^ Now, is that the way to address an old firiend ?" returned Horace
with an extraordinary look, and in an equally extraordinary tone of re-
monstrance. " Is it regular ? does it sound at all pretty V*
^^ Whatever you have to say, young man, say at once. We cannot
have our time wasted now."
*' There you go again, ^young man! Why do you cut away in that
nasty manner ? Can't you address me with a little more elegance V
" Why are you here V
*^ That's the point ! I am here in the responsible capacity of plenipo-
extraordinary firom the governor, and when I produce my credentials, I
do expect to be treated with all the courtesy that's regular. I have got
a whole lot of dirty documents here, which I am authorised to give up
on a certain condition. But come, chn't be crusty ; sit down and look
pleasant, and then I'll let you into the whole business."
'^ I wish," said Uncle John, " that you had come at a more season-
able hour."
^^ Well, how could I help it ? I started off this morning to come
early enough, and I should have been here at a more seasonable hour,
only I happened on my way to meet with a few out-and-outers, who
couldn't at all do without me !"
Conceiving that his object was to restore Goodman's papers, Uncle
John then gravely took his seat.
" Now then," said Horace, " here we have, you see, a lot of rummy
pieces of parchment, which the governor wished me to deliver into the
hands of his brother ; but as that old fool, who never was known to
listen to reason when it proceeded firom my lips, has referred me to you,
I have waited here all this time, and would have continued to wait, if
you hadn't come home till the week after next."
** Well, Sir, what do you propose ?"
" Why, assuming that you have full powers to act, I propose to
deliver them to you, on condition that, as the governor is not very
flush, he is never to be called upon to pay the litUe biU of those dirty
scamps of lawyers."
*^ Are these all the papers which belonged to my firiend ?"
^^ Why, of course ! Do you think that I would bring less than all ?"
*' Very well. Sir; I am willing to receive them."
^^ And to give me an acknowledgment of your having received them,
and to name the condition of course? Then you know it will be all
right and regular."
3r
490 LIFE AND ADTSNTURBS OF
^ WeU, tir, I'll even take it npon myBelf to do tfaiit," said Unde
John, who aocordinely wrote an acknowledgment to the effect thai
he had received the docnments on the condition named, the terms of
which he on the part of Mr. Goodman had agreed to."
^ Wen,* said Horace, on taking the receipt. ^' And now, what are
yon going to stand ? Yon never bring ont the ghost of a glass of wine
to give a fellow."
" We aie bnsy, very busy," said Uncle John, ** J. beg that you will
detain us no longer."
" Oh ! very well ! Why don't you say at once, * There's the door :
you'd better cut it !* You want to offend me, 1 suppose, but yon wont ;
although it's enough to make a man go slap into hysterics, to see the
base ingratitude of this blessed world. But never mind. Ta, ta I You
don't suppose that I want your eighteen-penny port. It's only the look
of the thing that stuns me ! But adieu ! It'll be all one in the grave.
We never know the value of a friend till we've lost him."
Having calmly delivered himself to this effect, he stuck his hat on
one side of his head so ingeniously, that his right eye and ear were com-
pletely concealed, and walked with an air of magnanimity from the
house, when Uncle John at once proceeded to Goodman's chamber with
the documents, conceiving that the property of his friend was now secure.
It will, however, be proper to mention here, that these documents
were uttorly valueless. WiJter, 3rielding to his wife, who was wannlj
backed by Horace, had disposed of every available species of property,
and had sent these worthless pieces of parchment back, in the full con-
viction that his brother, being then much too weak to examine them,
would give instructions for all legal proceedings to be stayed, if indeed
he did not undertake to defray the expenses ahready incurred.
All this had been effectually aoeoinplished : Uncle John had under-
taken, in his friend's name, to settle with the attorney, and when the
documents were carried to Goodman, he felt so exhausted, that they
were at once set aside without even bdmg looked at. The (act of
Horace havmg burst into the room, had thrown him into a state of
excitement which nearly proved fatal. It was evident to Uncle John
when he entered, that another such a shock would be the last he would
ever experience. He trembled violently even then, and gasped for
breath as he preased his friend's hand, and begged of him not to leave
him, until he had become more composed.
^^ Valentine, that good boy," said he, after a pause, in a voice so faint
that it verged upon a whisper, ^^ is going to be married in the momiDg.
I pray that he may be happy I"
^ The marriage," said Uncle John, ^^ has been postponed. The young
lady has been taken very suddenly ill."
" I am very sorry for it. Young or old young or old, my dear
friend, all have their afflictions."
Goodman, with a sigh, relapsed affain into silence, which Uncle John
did not disturb, but sat patiently with him until he con^eived that he
had fallen into a slumber, when he stealthily quitted the room. It wtf
then that he ascertained that while he was with G^dman, Whitely,
VALENTINE VOX. 491
who had been, oonirary to hia usual cuatom, from home the whole of
the evening, had returned ; and tliat, having learned that Valentine, by
whom he had been spoken to aomewhat harshly at Raven'a, was in the
drawing-room, he had retired at once to hia chamber. Unde John
was, therefore, compelled to defer the performance of the task he had
proposed, but sat up till midniffht converainff with Valentine, who waa
still auatained by that profound firmneaa which enablea a man to remd
difficultiea but aa evila to be surmounted, no matter what abape Uiey
may aasume.
CHAPTER LVIIL
THS INTERVIEW OF UNCLE JOHN AND WHITELT WITH MIU WBITALL,
AN ATTOBNBY-AT-LAW.
luMEJitkTEhY after break&at the following mominff, Valentine left
with the lively hope of hearing that Louiae had made aome progreaa
towarda leatoration ; and the moment he had done ao. Uncle Jcibn very
ouitioualy re-opened the aubject of Uie compromiae he ao anxioualy de-
aired to elfect between Whitely and Raven.
*^ I aaw Raven laat evening," aaid he, *^ and I do not believe that I
ever beheld any one ao conacience-atiicken in the whole coune of my
life."
*^ The acoundrel !" exclaimed Whitdy, " I wonder he ia not adiamed
to ahow his hce to you or any other honourable man."
^' He ia ashamed : he waa aahamed to aee me laat evening. I had
the utmost difficulty in obtaining an interview with him, aira when I
did, I found him frightfully dejected. Of course, our oonveraation
touched aolely upon thia unhappy aubject, and he urged me most
eamestly^to exert whatever influence I might have, with the view of
prevailing upon you to conaent to aome private arrangement^ not for hia
sake indeed, but for the aake of hia child, who ia now lying aerioualy
*' For her, poor girl, I am aorry ^very aoiry ; I feel that I could not
be more ao were ahe even my own ; for Valentine, alao, am I aony ;
for, although he apoke unkindly to me, I cannot but believe that he did
it aolely to check a apeciea of perhaps unjustifiable raahneaa: I am aorry
for them both, and would do much to aave them from annoyance ; but
I cannot bring myaelf to believe that I ahould be acting, aa a man under
the circumatanoea ought to act, if^ even for them, I permitted that
villain to eacape."
^^ It was for them only for them, that he pleaded. Aa &r aa he
waa concerned he acknowledged that you were bound aa a man to pur-
sue him by all the meana in your power."
*' And pursue him I will l"
^^ Of course, knowing him aa I do, and being in some degxee con-
nected with him through Valentine; aa I am, it will be but neural for
492 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
you to imagine that I lean aomewhat towards him without Aufficiently
considering you."
'* Indec^ my dear friend, I do not. Your honesty of purpose, your
integrity, the pure principles by which I know you to be guided, tend
to strengthen my conviction that you are incapable of advising me to
adopt any course which you deem inconsistent with my honour.
^^ I acknowledge at once, that I lean so far towards him as to be
anxious to have this melancholy affair settled, as fiur as it can be settled,
privately : not for him ^for his conduct admits of no extenuation ^bnt
for his poor child, whose heart any public exposure would go ftr to-
wards breaking. But if even I had no knowledge whatever of him or
of any one wiSi whom he is connected, as your friend, I should advise
you for your own sake alone, not to plunge into the uncertain depths
of the law, being afraid as I should be m such a case as this that
although in reputation you might seriously injure him, you would in
doing so more seriously injure yourself. You know more of the law
which bears upon this point, doubtless, much more than I do : but
even in the event of my having no knowledge whatever of the party on
the other side, I should argue with you thus : You are anxious to go
to law : very well. You cannot proceed criminally ; you must bring
a civil action ; you may even bring two : you bring two actions : you
succeed in both : and the punishment awarded is of a pecuniary dia-
racter. Now, what amount of damages, I ask, would you be likely to
get ? anything like five thousand pounds V
**^ In all probability, not half that amount.'*
^^ Well, assuming that there was a prospect of obtaining that amount,
what would you say if^ instead of the trouble, the anxiel^, the riik of
a trial, you were offered ten thousand pounds down V
^' My answer would be this : I cannot feel justified in entering into
any thing like a compromise vrith a villain."
^* Are you justified in utterly ruining youiself to be revenged on a
villain? And would you not be utterly ruined in the event of a
failure?"
^^ 1 am poor, very poor : that cannot be disguised."
*' Avoid then, going to law with a rich man."
^' But if that doctrine were to obtain, the poor would be crudied by
the rich with impunity !"
*^ Not in a case of this description, in which the rich man proposes
to pay, perhaps ten times the amount that could be gained by resorting
to law. This is not like a case in which a man offers to give a certain
sum to escape corporeal punishment : If it were possible to punish him
in any other way than that of attacking his purse, there might periiaps
be some grounds for hesitation ; but he can only be thus punished, and
he offers to punish himself ten times more : he offers to pay at once
ten thousand pounds, and thus to relieve you from all anxiety aboat
the issue of a trial, and I must say that the issue in this case, to say
the least of it, is of an extremely doubtfrd character."
^ I do not think so. From all that I can learn, I am induced to be-
Heve that 1 ought not to entertain the smallest doubt about the matter.
VALBNTINB VOX. 493
Last night I was introduced to an exceedingly clever lawyery^th
whom I have an appointment this morning at twelve, who assured me
distinctly, when I had expUined the chief features, that in such a case
as mine, which exhibits so monstrous a combination of wrongs, the law
would fall upon the wronger with terrible vengeance. Now, as I am
anxious to remove the impression you entertain, that the law is inope-
rative in a case of this description, I shall be glad if you will accom-
pany me this morning as my friend, that you may hear how the law
stands, and judge for yourself."
*^ I shall indeed be most happy to do so, feeling perfectly assured of
your belief, that although I am still in communication with Raven, I
shall take no advantage of any thing I may hear, which, if known on
the other side, might tend to prejudice your case."
*^ You may be assured that that is my belief. For were it not so,
I certainly should not have been so anxious for you to go with me.
You can appear in the sole character of my friend : your knowledge of
the other party need not at all transpire."
It was at once then arranged that they should wait upon this gen-
tleman together, and accordingly, at the hour appointed, they proceeded
to the office of Mr. Writall.
On ringing the office-bell, their ears were addressed by a slight
consumptive tick, when, as that caused the door to fly open, they en-
tered, and beheld an emaciated little beine, who was then in the act of
enjoying a pinch of snuff, which appeared to be the only luxury within
his reach, and who, in answer to Whitely's question, which had re-
ference to the fact of Mr. Writall being within, said he didn't know
exactly, but he'd see, when, in order to enable himself to see with dis-
tinctness, he inquired the name of Whitely, and disappeared. He was
not absent long. He soon became enlisfatened on the subject, and, on
his return, announced that Mr. Writcdl was within, and immediately
ushered them into the sanctum.
As they entered, Mr. Writall, who was a man of immense personal
importance, and whose cheeks were peculiarly bloated, was standing
with his rieht thumb in the arm hole of his waistcoat, and his left foot
on a chair, looking as pompous as if he had just before swallowed a pot
of porter.
^' I hope you are well. Sir," said he, in a singularly diffnifled wob-
ble, swelHng each word until it became as much as his mouth could hold.
'^ A friend, I presume ?"
Whitely answered by formally introducing Uncle John, and they sat
down wiUi business-like views.
*^ I have been thinking, Sir, of this immense case, of which you told
me. I have been turning it deliberately over in my mind, and having
deeply consulted the best authorities upon the subject, I have no hesi-
tation in saying, that the course ia quite clear."
^* I have," said Whitely, ^^ an absolute hold upon him, then ?"
Undoubtedly : beyond all dispute ; an immense hold."
That is the grand point,'' returned Whitely, for the satisEu;tion of
Undo John ; *^ that is the gnuid point that I am anxious to have ex-
plained."
u
u
494 LIFE AND ADYSMTUBIS OF
^^ Than which explanation, Sir, nothing can be more easy. The de-
fendant sednoed your wife. He oohabitdi with her. She was nnder
his protection* Of course an action for erim. con. will lie thoe."
'* Notwithstanding it occurred nearly fifteen years since V
^ Notwithstanding it occurred nearly fifteen yean since. All we
shall have to do will be to show, tliat by nudidously causiag you to be
confined in an asylum for lunatics, he placed it complete^ out of yonr
power to bring your action within the period prescribed by the statute."
^' Exactly : I understand ; and this, of ooune, can be diown V
" Of course."
'' WiU you allow me,** said UWe John, " to ask how?"
^^ By the production of witnesses."
^ ^' But unfortunately my friend Mr. Whitby has no witnesws."
^* No witnesses ! Where is the proprietor cf the ai^lain ? where are
the keepers ? Subpoena them all ; bnng them all up !"
^' Can ihey prove that the defendan^ Baveo, conmassed, or was in
any way connected with the incaroeration of my friend?"
*^ That remains to be seen."
*' But| like all prudent men, Mr. Whitely is anxious to see his way
clearly before he proceeds."
*' It is impossible for him not, Sir, to see his way dearly."
" Upon my word," observed Whitely, ^^ I confess that I cannot at
present."
^ Have you, yourself, the slightest doubt that these persons can
prove the defendant to have, directly or indiieotly, caused yon to be
confined?"
^^ I am afraid they know nothing of him. His name did not in
any way appear."
*^ Well, that is a difficulty very soon gotover. If tk^ cannot prove
it, other witnesses can."
^* What other witnesses ?" inquired Whitely.
*^ Oh, 111 undertake to produce witnesses," replied Mr. Wrilall,
nodding very mysteriously.
*' I really cannot see where we shall find them."
^^ Oh, that is a difficulty soon overcome. Ill stake my reputation
on finding sufficient witnesses."
^ Then of course,'* said Uncle John, who looked at Whitely as if he
did not understand it, ^ we may assume that point to be settled ?"
** Of course."
**' And that the settlement of that point wiO be snffieient?'
** And that the settlement of that point wiU be suAcm
^^ But, on what authority was my friend here received and detained
by the proprietor of the asylum in question ? Was not his anihority
the certificate of the two physicians V
^^ Undoubtedly : the certificate of the two physicians."
^^ How then can we impugn this, Uieir evidence of my fiisnd's insa*
nity at the time ?"
*' rU manage it. Leave that to me."
' But,*' ur^ Whitely, '' how is it to be done T
9f
TALBNTIHB YOX. 495
** If it oannot be done in one w7, it can in another. We can even
indict all concerned for a conspiracy/'
'' But what witneaaes have we to sustain such an indictment ?"
*^ Witnesses are to be found : affidavits are to be had. Leave the
whole thing* to me, and it shaU be done. If the worst comes to the
worst, we can harass him so, that he will be but too happy to compro-
mise the matter, by coming down handsomely."
^^ And what, may I ask," said Uncle John, *' would you consider a
handsome sum in snch a case ?"
^^ Why, as he is a rich man, I'd make him come down with a couple
of thousand pounds. I'd let him off for very little less."
** But were he to offer to put down at once such a sum as say ten
thousand pounds-"
** Oil, SHch a som as that is altogether out of the question. It's a
Luge sum, air, recollect, is that of ten thousand, a sum which is not
to be picked up every day I But whatever sum he might offer, how-
ever large, I'd take care to harass him well before I consented to re-
oeive it.
^' But i^ after having discovered that your object was to harass
him,' he were to defy you, and refuse then to compromise at all, what
sort of podtion would my friend be in then ?"
^^ Money," said Whitely, ^ is not the primary object. I want to
punish him, it is true, and he deserves to be punished severely; but
my chief aim is to compel him to produce, or at least to give me some
snifioient due to the discovery of my children."
'' Punish him first," said Mr. Writall, '' settle that matter first, and
iksn make him piodnce the children."
^^ But," suggested Uncle John, ^* were he to propose now not only
to pnt down al once say ten thousand pounds ^but to give, with re-
spect to the children, all the information in his power, would it not,
under the circumstances, be adviseable to accede at once to such a pro-
position?"
^^ Why, as I said before, ten thousand pounds, 3nou know, is an
amount which is out of all reason ; but if a good round sum were to be
ofieted, together with the required information, I have no hesitation in
saying, that it toimld be advisable to do so, but not before proceedings
had Men commenced, in order that he might know that we are really m
earnest."
'* I, of course, can compel him to produce my children ?"
*^ Of course. Andfyet there is some slight difficulty there. I should
advise nay, now I come to reflect on the matter, if he be obstinate, he
might be taken on suspicion of having murdered those children I"
^^ Murdered them !" cried Whitely, with a shudder.
^^ But," said Uncle John, ^* how can we prove that he ever saw
them?"
^^ Oh, that could be proved ; but as flEur as the murder is concerned
why, I confess, that it is somewhat difficult to secure witnesses as to
murder; but even they are to be had."
" What may you mean by ueuring witnesses ?"
496 I'IFE AND ADTBNTURBS OF
** It 18 a pnotioe, sir, well understood in the profession. At all
events, assuming that we should fail in this, the threat alone of charg-
ing him with murder would be sufficient to induce him to come down
with a little more."
Again, Whitely and Uncle John looked earnestly at each other, and
after a pause of some seconds they rose.
" I will reflect, sir," said Whitely, " upon all you have ezpbiined,
and let you know my decision in the momine.
" Very well, sir," returned Mr. Writall, who was evidently surprised
at the fact of the consultetion being so abruptly put an end to. " Very
well, sir. If the case, sir, be placS in my hands, it shall be properly
managed. It is my pride, sir, that I never yet sufiered a client of mine
to be defeated."
Uncle John and Whitely then took leave of Mr. Writall, with whom
they were not highly pleased. He had, indeed, supplied them both
with food for reflection; but while one of them looked upon him merely
with contempt, the other regarded him with ineffiible disgust
' I cannot say that I am even yet convinced of the incorrectness of
my view," said Uncle John, after having walked for some time in
silence. '' But where could he get all those witnesses firom V
^' My friend,^' replied Whitely, ^' that is a legal scoundrel. Those
witnesses are villiuns who can be got to swear to any thing in any case,
to the ruin of any man."
' Is it possible V
^^ Quite. They are to be had at all prices, from ten shillings up to
ten pounds, either to appear and give evidence, or to make affidavits.
Such witnesses he proposed to secure in my case, for clearly none others
exist."
Uncle John was amazed. He could scaicdy believe it, and thou-
sands, who possess far more knowledge of the profession than he did,
would have been quite as incredulous, on being told that the practice of
^' hard swearing," more especially that branch ycleped *^ affidavit
making," had Income quite a, trade.
This, however, did not shake the purpose of Whitely ; he still was
for law ; but, as during the consultation with Writall, certain doubts
had arisen, he resolved on having the opinion of some eminent counsel,
upon whose judgment and integrity he might safely depend.
CHAPTER LIX.
IN WHICH VALENTINE PROVES A GOOD MORAL PHYSICIAN.
That under any conceivable circumstances, Louise would have felt the
postponement of her marriage severely, is a fact which must not be con-
cealed, but under such serious circumstances as those by which the post-
VALENTINE VOX. 497
ponement had been induced, she naturally held it to bo indeed terrible.
It was not, however, the mere disappointment which retarded her re-
covery from the shock she had received ; when the physical effects of
tliat shock had been subdued, its moral effects continued in painful ope-
ration ; for she could not but feel that the disgrace of her father would
inevitably, to some extent, reflect upon her.
For three weary days she had not beheld him whom she had taught
herself to adore ; but although she had felt this to be of itself very wA^
and had panted for the time when she might again see him, when that
time arrived her spirit shrank from the interview, as tf she feared that
he could not be faithful to her then without dbhonour.
Eventually, however, at the earnest solicitation of her dear kind friend,
whom she regarded as her mother, she tremblingly consented io see him ;
and when he entered the room in which she was sitting, pale as death,
she rose and flew to him, as if all eause for sorrow had vanished ; but
after having embraced him, and passed her hand fondly over his brow,
uid gazed upon him with an expression of laptnre for an instant, the
sudden flash of joy was extinguished, tears gushed from her eyes, and
she sobbed like a child.
'' My own Louise!", exclaimed Valentine, pressing her fervently ^to
his heart. ''Look up, my sweet girll You see / am firm, Louise!
you see / am firm !'' But^ as he spoke, bis voiee faltsred, while the
tears -were fast rolling down his cheeks. He could not ' bear to see her
thus afflicted. He could firmly endure any thing but that ; that alone
had the power to unman him.
A pause ensued, during which he endeavoured to conceal his emotion,
and led Jjouise to a chair, while hts mother, whom the interview had
deeply affected, was sobbing as if her heart were about to break..
At length, however, they all became comparatively calm ; and while
Talentine was standing with the hand of Louise in his, pouring elo-
quent balm into her deeply wounded heart, the widow sat down beside
her, with the view of imparting that solace which she deemed most
c^fbctual, and soon after quitted the room.
'' My dear girl," said Valentine, the moment they were alone, '' come,
you must not be so sad ; you must not, my love, indeed."
'' Valentine," said Louise, with the most impressive earnestness, '' I
love you dearly, fondly you know how I love you ; but this un-
happy interview mttst be our last !"
" Why, you silly girl : what do you mean V
'' That I never wifi consent to bring dishonour upon you."
" I believe it ; I am sure of it : I know you never will."
'' But this I should be doing, if, after this hour, I consented to re-
ceive you as before.*'
'' Louise, knowing the purity of your mind, and the beautiful deli-
cacy of your feelings, I cannot but be conscious that this lamentable
affair appears to you in the darkest colours in which it can appear to
innocence : thus let it appear still, my good girl : thus may it ever ap-
pear ! I would not have those colours brighter in the eyes of one so
pure. But, my love, even assuming all we have heard to be true, and
36
408 LIFE XSU ADYMSrVHES OP
looking at it without the most remote reference to any eitenuating cir-
camstanoeSy how can my alliance with you bring dishonour upon me?
I will not aflect, for one moment^ to be incapaUe of perceiTing your
iews ; and that they spring from an amiable source is quite miuiifest :
But how can this act affect me ? It is not an act of yours : nor is it one
over which it is possible for you to have had even &e slightest control.
It is one of which yon poflseased no knowledge until now ! How then
can you or I be dtsgraoed or dishonoured ?"
" Disgrace will attach to the name," said Louise.
'^ That name will no longer be yours !"
^* But will it not be said, and with truths by the malicious, that you
married into a family whose character was tainted T
^' This, indeed, by the malicious nii^ht be said ; but not with troth.
If the character of a family could be said to be tainted, because the acts
of any one of its members are impure, few fiunilies indeed would be in a
position to boast of their characters being without a sttun. Bat let
the malicious say what they will : they must be ingenious indeed, if
they show that any disgrace that may attach to the name you now bear
can reflect in the slightest degree upon me. But, my sweetest giri,
no such disgrace will attach even to the name. The thing will not
be knoMm. 1 have the most perfect confidence in the success of those
efforts which my unde is now making, with the view of prevailing
upon Whitely to consent to some private arrangement. If it be thus
arranged, and I have not the smallest doubt that eventually it will be,
unless we ourselves publish the matter to the malicious, their ingenuity
cannot be brought to the test."
'^ Still I fear, ' urged Louise, *' that you may be annoyed ; and that
such an annoyance as that would interfere with your happiness, and
cause you to regret "
^' Ix)ui8e ! if you did not at this moment look so delicatdy beautiful,
I really do think that I should scold you. Why, you little trembUng
creature ! who is to annoy me if the thing be not known T*
^' But we are by no means sure that it will not be known !"
^ Well, oven if it be : I am sorry to say that the worid does not
attach so much importance to an af&ir of ^is description as you do.
But if this be the case, the thing must not be kno^vn ! I'll go and tell
Whitely all about it. I will give ^our compliments to him, and tell
him that if he will consent to an arrangement you will have me : but
that if he will not^ it's all over."
Louise slightly, but very slightly, smiled.
*' You wul think," continued Valentine, " that I view this matter
with levity, although indeed, I do not ; but it really is useless to grieve
and mourn and be miserable about it. Were we to run about the
streets, and fill the air with our lamentations, we might astonish the
people certainly, and perhaps we might amuse them ; but we could not
alter the case as it stands. The thing has been done, and we are bound
to make the best of it ; but I question if even Llewellen himself can
instance a case in which any disagreeable position was rendered more
pleasant by an indulgence io excessive grief."
VALENTINE VOX. 499
^^ You are a dear good soul^" said Louise, arranging his hair as he
sat on a stool beside her.
^ I'm glad you think so/' said Valentine; '' I ought to terminate my
engagement with eclat, I ought to make a decent impression on this
my last appearance, as it mtut be the last !"
" I would not lose you for the world I" cried Louise, as she
kissed his fine brow and appeared to forget all her troubles; "yet/*
she added, with intensity of feeling and expression, ** I would rather
lose you, the world and all, than render you unliappy ! But, my love,
this sad affair : you say that there is a prospect of its being settled
privately ?"
" A very fair prospect. In fact I have no doubt whatever of its
being thus arranged. Wliitely holds out at present it is true ; but I'm
convinced that we shall eventually induce him to consent."
^' Poor man ! I had no thought of my dear father having acted as he
has. I could not have believed it if he had not himself told me that it
was true. Poor Mr.Whitely! how dreadful his feelings must have been !
But she must have been a very wicked creature ! I am sure that she
must have given my father great encouragement, or he never would
have forgotten himself so far. Of course that was the cause of Mr.
Wbitely's insanity?"
By this question Valentine perceived that she did not know all, and,
therefore, being most anxious not to throw any additional light upon
a subject which wotild tend to sink Raven in her estimation, he replied
that Whitely had never been insane, and that he had been confined in
a lunatic asylum by some person, who wished to get him out of the
way : which was the fiict.
^* Then it is not so dreadful," observed Louise, '* as it would have
been had he been driven to madness by that."
**' Of course not," said Valentine ; '^ that would have been a different
thing altogether."
*'But oh ! you gentlemen, you gentlemen ! ^you are terrible people !
But did Mr. Whitely treat her kindly?"
" Upon my word, I don't know."
*'^ Perhaps not : he might have been very unkind to her; perhaps very
harsh ; and yet nothing could justify her conduct. She must have been
bad. I am convinced that if she had not been, she never could have
induced my father to bring upon us this dreadful calamity. But what
became of her ? It is a delicate question perhaps for me to put, but did
you ever happen to hear what became of her ?''
* Indeed I never did."
^^ Perhaps she went over to America, taking the poor children with her."
^* Perhaps she did : but let us dismiss this painful subject. I have
been thinking, Louise, of a certain matter to which it strikes me I never
alluded before, but in deciding upon which you can render me very
material assistance."
*' Indeed ! Then, I am sure that I shall be most happy to do so."
"Your politeness is proverbial. Well, then ; when do you think
I will put it in that form as being the least unintelligible when do yo
500 LIFE AND ADTENTITRES OF
think that that ought to be done which was to have been done on the
first of the month V
^' The first of the month? Oh, indeed my dear Valentine, we must
not think of that."
'* But that happens to be the vexy thing of which I cannot hdp
thinking I"
"But I I don't ^really I don't we must wait till this sad
afiair is settled."
" Why should we, my dearest ? Why should we wait for that ?
We have nothing to do with the settlement of it V*
" My dearest love, pray do m^ the favour to say no more about it at
present. It is useless, t find, to oppose you on any subject. You
cheat me of every purpose. I really don't know how it is ; but no one
else could ever do so !"
The widow at this moment entered the room, and was agreeably sur-
prised to see Valentine smiling.
*' I beg pardon, my dears, " she observed, " I only came for my bag.
Well, come !" she added, gazing with pleasure at Louise. *' Dear me,
how much better you look ! Well, really now, what an extraordinary
change !"
And it is a &ct well worthy of being placed on record, that the change
thus notieed was particularly striking. Louise looked herself again ;
sadness disappeared ; her eyes sparkled with all their wonted brilliancy,
and she felt that a heavy load of sorrow had been removed from her
heart. And thus for hours she continued to feel cheered by the affec-
tionate eloquence of Valentine, who sat with her until the widow turned
him out of the room, deeming it quite inconsistent with her duty as a
nurse to allow him to remain with her patient any longer.
CHAPTER LX.
YALSMTINB VISITS ASCOT RACES.
Valentine was now unremitting in his attention to Louise, whose
spirits, by virtue of his enlivening influence, were, in a great degree, re-
stored ; but nothing could shake the resolution she had formed, not to
fix another day for the celebration of their marriage until her father's
unhappy affair had been privately arranged, although, when a fortnight
from the day of the discovery had elapsed, Whitely's consent to such an
arrangement had not been obtained. Uncle John, day by day, had en-
deavoured to induce him to adopt the mode proposed, but in vain : he
could not be, by any means, prevailed upon to yield : he had made up
his mind to take the opinion of a certain distinguished member of the
bar, who happened to be then out of town, but liad promised, that tbe
moment he had obtained that opinion he would dhe way or the other
decide.
TALBNTINB VOX. 501
Now it may not perhaps be improper to mention, that Llewellen,
during the whole of this time, was a singularly miserable roan. He
felt wretched. His appetite was fiEklling off frightfully ; and although
he was utterly unable to explain what was ph3^ologically the
matter, his feelmgs convinced him, that internally there was something
uncommonly wrong. He applied to the phyrician who attended Louise,
but the physician, mstead of prescribing, locked at him and smiled. He
applied again : he drew him aside the very next time he called, and put
out his tongue and held out his wrist, and described the diagnosis of his
complaint very pointedly, and then indeed he had a prescription ; to
take a run round his hat fifty times v^thout stopping, and to repeat the
dose five times a-day, keeping his fore finger aU the time strictly upon
the crown. And an excellent prescription it was. It was, however,
one which he thought might be dispensed v^th, although it did induce
him to believe that a little exercise of some sort might not prove per-
nicious. But then what was he to do ? He had no one to so out with !
Valentine was constantly engaged with Louise. He could not go out
alone ! he would not go out alone ; and the consequence was, that his
case was getting daily worse and worse.
At length Louise, conceiving that a day's relaxation would be of ser-
vice to Valentine, suggested the propriety of his having a rural stroll ;
and as it happened a strange and inscrutable coincidence, to be the
Ascot race week, he hinted to Llewellcn that he did think it possible
that he might go and see the Cup run for, in which case he hoped to
have the honour of his company.
For some few seconds Llewellen could not believe that Valentine really
meant this ; but when, as with a vivid flash of lightning, ho was struck
with the conviction that the thing in reality was as it was, he was in
extacies, and ran about the room, and performed a variety of extraor-
dinaiy evolutions ; some of which were of a character strikingly original.
" Is Luey coing too V he enquired.
^ No, I cannot persuade her to do so."
^' Very well," said Llewellen, who was not at all sorry on his account,
" phen to we co, my poy, phen are we to start ?"
^^ In the morning ; but as we have no conveyance of our own, ^e
must be off rather early.*'
*' As early as you please ! Well now t' cootness knows it, look you,
iliis will pe peautiful ! Put how apout preakfast ? Shall hur come as hur
titpefore r'
** That will be the better way."
^^ Very well. And phot coat shall hur put on ? Must hur co in sport-
ing style ? Hur'vo cot top poots ant preeches."
** No, no ; go as you are."
** Very coot," said Llewellen, to whom Valentine's every word was
law. *' Very coot, Hurll pe retty. Inteet t'cootness now tliis is a ples-
sing." And he absolutely felt it to be one, and that feeling prompted
him to run about so much, that he ate that day a respectable dinner.
In the morning he awoke about four, and fearing that he might over-
sleep himself somewhat, as he had to be with Valentine at half past
602 ttPE AND ADTBNTURE8 OF
eight, if he suffered his head to remain upon the pillow, he rose, tod
embellished himself deliberately, and whistled like a lark, and sung se-
veral new songs, and then wended his way into Uie pantry, to see if any
little article therein had the power to tempt him ; and having discovered
a variety of things rather delicious, he laid a substantial foundation for
a breakfast, and took his departure for the day.
It was then nearly six ; and as he walked from street to street, be
really couldn't tell exactly what to make of the silence that prevailed.
It struck him as being rather awful. He looked acutely up and down :
not a soul could be seen : there he was walking about with his hands
in his coat pockets, a solitary individual in a wilderness of houses. He
didn t like it. His intellects were, in some degree, confused. Was it a
dream ? Had all the people emigrated during the night ? Was he in
some deserted city ? It all at once struck him that the people were not
up yet; and when he looked round, he really didn't wonder at it. Pre-
sently he heard a few human beings singing, and the chorus he dis-
covered to be strictly to this effect.
" For we're all jolly good fellows,
For we're all jolly good fellows,
For wcVe all jolly good fellows !"
And so say all of us."
But although he could hear them with a distinctness, which to him,
at that time, was peculiarly refreshing, he was unable to see them until
he arrived at the comer of the next street, when he beheld four gentle-
men coming towards him, arm in arm, with a striking irregularity of
step, appearing to be very happy, but looking indeed very pale.
^' Ah ! old fellow !" exclaimed one of these gentlemen. ^* How are
you !"
" How to you too," said liewellen in return.
*' Come tip us your fin, old fellow ! you're one of the right sort !'*
Hereupon the whole party shook him cordially by the hand, which was
very affectionate. '* I say, is there any house open about here V
'* Well, inteet now, I think all the people are in pet, look you I"
A loud burst of laughter immediately followed the announcement of
this thought, which was very remarkable ; but, as liewellen inferred,
from suny vague observations, which had reference to leeks and toasted
cheese, and other purely unintelligible matters, that the gentlemen were,
to some extent, tipsy, he passed on, and the last he heard of them was
an exceedingly loud declaration in song, that they wouldn't go home till
the morning.
The fact of his having met with this interesting party, notwithstand-
ing, relieved his mind a little ; and as he walked on, a few sober persons
appeared, some with baskets of tools, some with hods, rules, and
spades ; but the whole of them carried cotton handkerchiefs, containing
something destined for the stomach ; still time seemed to move as if en-
gaged in some political conversation, while walking arm in arm with a
tortoise.
At length Liewellen, which is really very singular, foimd himself
VALENTINE TOX. 503
standing before the house in which Valentine dwelt ; but the blinds
were all down, no sign of life appeared : the house could not have been
in less of a bustle, hstd all the occupants been dead. He would not,
however, then leave the street ; he walked up and down whistling, until
he saw the girl open the parlour shutters, when he knocked at the door,
got into the house, went at once up to Valentine's room, was admitted,
and was happy.
Valentine was not long dressing ; nor was it long when he had dressed,
before they had bre&kfast ; and when that had been disposed of satis-
factorily, they started for the Railway terminus at Paddington, with the
view of going by one of the early trains. On reaching this place, a train
was just about to start, and immediately after they nad entered one of
the carriages, they were off at the rate of some considerable number of
miles an hour.
^' Time," observed liewellen, '^ must put his best foot forward, to
keep up with us now."
^' He'll not allow himself to be beaten," returned Valentine. '^ Let us
go at whatever rate we may, he'll be there as soon as we are.''
*' Tcootness knows now that's very extraortinary inteet, phen you
come to reflect upon it, look you."
^' It is extraordinary, that while he goes at all paces, he should pre-
serve, with perfect steadiness, his own pace still."
" Ant will wait for nopotty."
Nor will he be hurried l"
Liewellen was done. He tried very hard to come again, but failed,
although he did not entirely give the thing up until they had arrived at
Slough. Here they alighted ; but they had no sooner done so, than
down came a peltinff shower of rain.
^ Hascot, nr I course, yer honour ! take yer there in no time !
slap wehide! ^hex^lent 'ossi ride, sir ride!" exclaimed a number
of extremely anxious persons, placing themselves before each other al-
ternately, as if among them no question of precedence had been settled.
^^ What's the fi&re V' enquired Valentine, of one of the most forward.
^^ A guinea an edd, sir ; k^ no bistake at all about the haddibal."
Valentine looked to windward ; and as he saw at a glance the black
cloud coming up, leaving all fair behind, he decided upon standing
under shelter for a time, during which the individual, whom he had ad-
dressed, came up and stated, confidentially, that he would take them
both for a pound. This offer was not accepted. The cloud passed over
and the sun again shone brightly, when the fellow again approached
and offered to take them for hidf-a-crown a head ! conceiving, however,
that the walk would do them much more good, they declined even this,
and passed on.
In due time they reached Windsor, where they stopped to have some
slight refreshment, and then started again; and having enjoyed their
walk exceedingly, up that delightful avenue, called Queen Anne's
Drive, the course opened before them, and a brilliant scene it was.
Liewellen s rapture was unbounded when he beheld it ; while Valen-
tine had never seen any thing to equal it in splendour.
504 LIFE AKD ADVENTURES OP
Having sufficiently dwelt upon the spectacle at a distance, they drew
near the course and viewed each attractive feature with admiration.
For some time Llewellen was dumb with enthusiasm, but when they
approached the Grand Stand, he let his tongue loose at once, and it
rattled away in Welsh with amazing rapidity. It did, however, after
the first eloquent burst, happen to strike him, that although the Welsh
language was beautifully flowing, and, moreover, comprehensively ex-
pressive, it was rather unintelligible to those who knew nothing at all
about it ; and this idea had the effect of inducing him to descend into
that which he was unable to speak with equal force and purity.
For some considerable time they promenaded the course, studying ;
and it was, indeed, amusing, as well as instructive, to study the dis-
tinguishing points which mark those who move in each social sphere,
from the highest to the lowest from that of royalty to that of
beggary.
*'' Well, inteet," observed Llewellen, '' phot a horse-racing nation
this is, look you?*'^
^^ It is the first in the world, certainly; but we must not suppose that
the whole of these persons are here with the view of seeing the races
solely."
^^ No, inteet ? Phot pesitcs too they come for V*
'^ Tlie great majority to see and to be seen by each other. They
themselves form the principal attraction."
" Then, look you, it must pe py their own attraction they are at-
tracted r
^ Very good, I don't know that we shall make any thing better
of it."
'' All the worlt comes pccause all the worlt comes," added Llewel-
len, who theii really did think that he had done very weU.
The horses entered for the first race now appeared, and Valentine
and Llewellen at once made their way towards them, for the purpose
of seeing them saddled. They experienced, however, some slight dif-
ficulty here, for hundreds were rushing at the same moment with the
view of seeing the same ceremony performed. They did, however,
eventually, by dint of perseverance^ manage to get to the point pro-
posed; and the sight of the highly-trainusd beautiful creatures, that
seemed to be anxious to exhibit their symmetry and action to the best
possible advantage, well repaid them for the temporary inoonvenienoe of
a rush. . .
At various points groups of sharp-featured, hard-mouthed, sporting
individuals, were engaged in giving and taking the odds, with as much
profound earnestness as if, in^ed, betting not only formed the principal
business of their lives, but the only great object for which they itA
been bom. It was pleasant to behold the sensation created by the ap-
pearance of a rich and inexperienced young fellow, as he approached
these acute old characters. They eyed him, and wriggled round and
round him, apparently bent upon searching his very som to ascertain ia
what way it was possible to take him fairly in. It was evident that
they viewed it as a general commercial rnatt^, and as they all seemed
C/ /,.,.- /. ^C.w
YALBNTINB TOX. 505.
most anxions to do business, Valentine, making his roice appear to pro-
ceed from the lips of a likely looking personage, cried ^^ fifty to one
against the saint 1"
" Done, my Lord, in thousands !" cried one of the sharpest, produc-
ing his book on the instant.
" ni take you, my Lord," said another.
^^ I'll take you over again,'' cried a third ; and his Lordship, on being
thus suddenly beset, looked at them as mysteriously as possible.
^^ Is it to be in thousands, my Lord ?" enquired the person who had
first addressed him, and who had already half entered the bet.
*' Is what to be in thousands ?" demanded his Lordship.
** Why the fifty to one your Lordship offered."
" I never offered fifty to one."
^ Beg pardon, my Lord, but really I fancied indeed I some gen-
tleman offered that bet !" when, as they certainly were, under the cir-
cumstances, wonderful odds, he looked round with extraordinary sharp-
ness for him who had offered to give them.
By this time one horse only remained to be saddled for the Castle
stakes, and he was indeed a noble animal, and seemed actually to know
it. His owner was standing by his side, apparently lost in admiration
of his beauty, while the litQe old jockey, who had adjusted the saddle
upon his own back, as if he intended to mount himself was twisting
about, and looking knowingly at every point, as if povverfully struck
with an idea that he should win.
'^ 111 bet a hundred to one against that horse," cned Valentine.
^^ He's sure to be last."
*'*' What, my oss ! Til take you !" cried the little old jockey, turning
round with astonishing promptitude and spirit, while the owner of the
animal looked at him, from whom the yoice seemed to proceed with an
expression of ineffable contempt.
This person was a farmer, and one who would not have offered any
such odds; and he sud so distinctly, and with consummate point, as the
jockey observed, that if he meant any thing, he had better then put his
mobey down. This threw the innocent farmer into a state of perspira-
tion, which poured upon a gentleman who sat under the rail, bobbing
At a cherry, with unspeakable delight.
The horse was now saddled ; and when the jockey had mounted, they
all repaired to the starting post at once. Although it was not the
grand race, great anxiety prevailed : it was manifest that thousands
upon thousands of pounds had been staked ttpdn the issue even of that.
*' Hur say, mj poy, eyetj potty's petting," said Ilewellen ; ** can't
we have a pet?"
^ Why, I think we might manage even that," replied Val^itine.
WeU, phot shaU it pe ?'
^* Oh, any thing you please ; I am not at all particular."
^ Very coot. Hurll pet you the pest tinner to pe hat, that the
horse that was last sattled wins."
**' Very well," returned Valentine, " let it be so. He ou^ht to win ;
that seems quite dear : but a race is not invariably won by the best horse."
3 T
506 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
'* Phot, tont 70a think the jocke3rs will win, if they can V*
^' Undoubtedly they wiU, if they can get more by winning than by
loMng."
'^ Tear now, t'cootness, are they not to pe trusted ?"
'' There are but few of them whom / should feel at all inclined to trust.
Human nature, as we find it developed in jockeyism, certainly is not
quite perfect."
'^ Put, look you, if one of those fellows were to keep a horse pack,
wouldn't he therepy lose his character ?**
'^ Oh, not at all ; he may struggle with desperation ; he may appa-
rently do his utmost to urge the horse on, and get applauded for doing
his utmost, without allowing him to win."
" Phy then it all depends upon the jockey !"
**" Entirely, if he be on the best horse ; he has the power in his
own hands ; and prizes are sometimes afloat, too brilliant to be resisted
by even the honour of a jockey."
^' Then look you, when we pet upon a race, we in reality pet upon the
honour of the fellow who happens to rite the pest horse !*'
*' Precisely. It amounts but to that."
All was now ready ; the course was clear ; the signal was given, and
the horses were off. ^^ Here they come; here they come!' shouted
the mass. " Hats off there, hats off'! Hurrah ! Go along !
Cut away ! Now ! now ! now I Blue for a million ! Stripe !
Fly ! ^There's a pace ! Nofff then ! Beautiful I In to him ! Out
and out I Bravo !"
The race was decided, and the next moment all on the course knew
which had won. The excitement was no sooner raised than subdued.
The thing was over in a minute. No species of pleasure can be of itself
more fleeting, than that of a race. The horses are off; they pass, they
are in ! ^the eye can scarcely rest upon them before the issue is
known.
" Well, my poy," said Llewellen, " HurVe cot to stant the tinner.
To you think that little wretch tit his pest ?*'
" He appeared to do all in his power."
" Well, perhaps he tit, look you ; put t'cootness knows it now
bur tit think that he titn't. But come along ; shall we have tinner now,
or phen ?"
^* Oh, not yet ! Let us wait until after the Cup race, and then we
can take our own time."
" Very coot : yes, that will pe petter. But bur say, my poy, let's
CO into one of those pooths, and win some money."
" Let us go in and lose some, you mean, of course."
" Phot, don't they play faur?"
** Upon my word, I'd not undertake to prove that they do ; bat if
you do play, you had better, at once, make up your mind to lose."
'* Well, it won't matter much if hur too lose a little."
*' But why do you want to play at all ? You have plenty of money ;
quite as much as you want : you have no use for more. But you
certain to lose."
YALENTINB VOX. 507
" Well, never miud : llur'U only lose a sovereign ; a sovereign is
nothing !"
" Fred," said Valentine, pointing to a poor withered heartbroken crea-
ture, who seemed to have travelled far to beg, but knew scarcely how to
do it, for she had evidently seen more prosperous days, '* would a
sovereign be considered nothing there ?"
Llewellen drew his purse, and having taken out a sovereign, placed
it in the hand of the poor old creature, who looked at it, and then looked
at him, and then burst into tears. From her soul she seemed to bless
him, but she had not the power of utterance then.
^^ Will not that do more good than if you had given it to those swin-
dlers V* said Valentine.
'* Ilur feel it will," replied Llewellen, " hur feel it will. Put hur
say, my poy, let's co in only to look."
^' Oh, by all means ! All I object to is the encouragement given to such
pernicious scoundrels !"
" Phot, are they all scountrels, look you ?*'
** There's not a commonly honest man amongst them. They have
no honour to keep them honest: in fact, they know nothing of the
feeling of honour !"
^' Then they must pe pat fellows, pecause they want put to pe poor,
to pe retty for plunter."
^* They profess to be as honest as they can afford to be, Fred, which
has a most comprehensive meaning. Well, it matters not, I suppose,
which we go into : let us go into this."
They accordingly entered, and found every thing arranged in brilliant
style : the place was elegantly festooned ; the ground was carpeted;
there was a table on either side, and one at the top, while a tempo-
rary side-board stood near the entrance, on which there were sherry,
champagne, soda-water, and brandy, for those players who might de-
scend to call for a glass of either gratis. On each table an immense
amount of money appeared : piles of notes, heaps of gold, and imperial
pecks of silver : but as the upper appeared to be the principal table,
they made their way to it at once.
The person who presided at this table was one of those excessively
amiable creatures who appear to have no real enemy but the law. His
countenance was screwed into an inflexible grin ; every muscle appeared
to be at its utmost stretch. Men laughed when they looked at him
laughed when they lost : he defied them to help it he would make
them laugh. Had he picked their pockets in the most literal manner,
they could scarcely have felt offended with the man ; while, if even
they had given him in charge, he would have made the police laugh too
heartily to hold him.
Valentine watched him for a time with some interest, for he found
him to possess-^although he did grin perpetually the keenest eye to
business he ever beheld ; and as he coidd not help wishing to ascertain
if it were possible to make him look serious, he made up his mind,
having no great respect for the profession, to try.
" Notr^ my leetle roley poky," cried the presiding genius ^his
50& LIFE AND ADYtarrVBBa OP
custom always when he sent round the ball *^ off agin, my little hin-
nooent ! therels a leetk beauty ! make yer game, gendmen's sons !
makeyer game !"
*^ Hush !" cried Valentiney with a desperate hiss, which he dexter-
ously sent beneath the table.
^' Hul-lo !" in a sweet tone, exclaimed the laughing cieainre.
^ Bless yer leetle heart ! Are you any there? nathiwc more? Yell,
come now, that's werry reasonable "at the price. I say, BiE, m j afiec-
tionate ! ^here's ony a hindiwidual which is anxious for you to take
him by the scruff off" the neck, and to shj him bang out off the
booth."
" Vare V* cried the affectionate Bill, whose general aspect was not
quite so amiable as that of his friend. ** Yare his e ?**
^* Oh, any under the table here ! and nothink less."
^ Ilunder tlie table !" cried the affectionate, darting round with
something like ferocity.
" Don^ go for to wring the blessed neck of the genelman : don't
mercycree him, not by no manner off' means."
^ Hullo, I say !" cried the affectionate, peering beneath the table
with remarkable acuteness ; " now bout o' that will yer ?-^Tort d'yer
Yomt there ?"
" Hush r whispered Yalentine, Hush !"
** Ony a kipple I*' exclaimed the laughing genius, ^' and w more !*
*^ Yort d'yer mean !" cried the affectionate Bill, who now got com-
pletely under the table, and looked about him with praiseworthy zeal.
^^ Yy, there's no coves here !" he added, addressing his friend.
^' Aint there ! I des say there aint. 'No,prap9 I didn't hear 'em !
No, it aint a bit likely I did ! How un/ort*nate Fm deaf!"
^' I tell yer, it*s pickles !" cried the affectionate Bill. '^ There aint
nobody here. Can t yer believe me ? Look yersdf."
^' Not if I know it. What, don't you see the dodge ? Don't you
see, if I was for to take my leeile eyes off the tin, their pals wouldn't
p'raps borrow a trifle ? Oh^ no ! I don*t s'pose they would."
" Camt yer kiver it up ?" cried the affectionate.
*' Keep close ! ^keep close !" whispered Yalentine.
^* There aint no one there, you think, don't you ?" cried the genius,
and in an instant his affectionate friend resumed his search, while he
himself kept rather a keen eye upon the specie, expecting every mo-
ment an attack upon the bank. But the affectionate certainly could
see no one there ! ^not a soul ! ^which was indeed somewhat striking,
and he said so pointedly, and without the slightest fear of contradiction,
and he felt himself in consequence justified in declaring that there wu
no one there, which, however, failed to shake the conviction of his
friend, who intimated boldly that he wouldn't believe him if even he
were to swear till he sweat.
Da you think," he added, with an ironical grin, '* that you'll go
for to gammon me into that air ! I'm hinnocen^ I know, but I wasn't
bom yesterday exactly."
Yidentine now introduced a remarkably slight chuckle, which, slight
VALENTINE VOX. 509
as it was, caused the laughing genius to come at once to a decision.
'^ I'll see after you now, my Teetle darlings !" said he, as he gathered
up the cloth with which the table was covered, to render the bank
more secure. '^ I'll see what you're made on, and no mistake in any
indiwidual pint. Now," he added, after having made all safe, ^' let*8
see the colour o/f your complection/'
He stooped, and looked round the interior, with one fist duly prepared
for the delivery of an extraordinary blow, and one foot just as ready for
the prompt adminbtration of an equally extraordinary kick. But where
were they for whom these fieivours were designed ? He really couldn't
see them ! he couldn't see one of them, not even one ! He wished
he could ; and if he had, the immediate consequences to that one let
him have been whomsoever he might would in all probability have
been unpleasant.
^^ Where are you, my darlings V he enquired, in the most insinuating
manner. '* Ony say I I shall, indeed, be worry happy to see you !
I*m sorry you should cut your little interesting sticks."
^* Vale, can you see 'em ?" spitefully demanded the affectionate.
*^ I^ot exact. Praps I -wouldn't give a small trifle if I could. How
they managed their luckies though, oert'ny gets over me a leeUe above
a bit."
'^ They couldn't do it !" cried the affectionate. ^^ How could they
go for to get out if they was in ?"
*'*' That's the peticular dodge as walks over me, rayther. Howsoever
the hinnocents aint here now ! ^that's about as clear as mud ! still the
go's oncommon. But never mind : I've ony lost the pleasure off letting
^m know that I wouldn't have given 'em nothink by no means. BtUy
to business," he added, readjusting the cloth. '^ Now, genelmen's sons,
make yer game ! ^make yer game ! Here's fortun at yer feet, and
you've ony got /or to pick it up ^make yer game !"
During the whole of this time, the shining countenance of the genius
presented one immutable grin. A frown never came over it for an in-
stant : not a cloud even approached it ^a fact which went far to induce
Valentine to suppose that his face was incapable of any other expression
than that of unadulterated gleo. He was not, however, quite convinced
of this, and therefore, in order that he might not, on a point of so
much importance, entertain a false impression, he resolved to bring the
matter once more to the test.
The genius was still actively engaged with the ball, lavishing upon it
the most endearing eulogia, and making it abundantly clear to all
around that he appreciated highly its innocence and beauty. Nor was
this unnatural. He was winning very fast, and the stakes were rather
heavy, and as it, strangely enough, happened that the more he won, the
more rapturous he became, he had juBt attained the highest pitch of
ecstasy, when Valentine sent beneath the table an extraordinary
laugh.
^^ Hullo /" cried tlie genius, who kicked out furiously, and by virtue
of doing so injured his shin. *' Bill, come here ! Here they are a^n !
Ony let me jist ketch 'em, the warroint !"
510 LIFE AKD ADVENTUBBi OP
His countenance fell ! ^Tliis was not to be borne. He was leaping
a harvest of plunder, and his time might be valued at ten pounds per
minute. It was cutting. He couldn't bear it ; and as the' laughter
still continued, his rage rose to a high pitch of phrenzy. No endearing
terms were applied to the invisibles then : they were no longer
darlings no longer little innocents : he no longer blessed their little
hearts ; but on the contrary, his epithets proved to all around that, like
the rest of his patronized caste, he was a most depraved niBan ; when
as Valentine was more especially satisfied of this, he and Liewellen left
the booth, duly impressed with the conviction of its being monstrous
that the practices of these degraded wretches should be so extensively
encouraged.
During the time they were in this den of ^^ honourable " thieves, the
second race had been run ; they therefore established themselves
in a commanding position to see the grand race of the day. In this all
the interest appeared to be centered. Thousands were waiting the issue
with an anxiety the most intense ; and although thousands more cared
but Httle about which might be the winner, it was the grand race, and
that was sufficient to rivet the attention of all.
^^ Well, my poy !** said Liewellen, '' let us have another pet : come,
hur'U pet you a pottle of wine.''
"About what?"
" Oh, any thing you please. Hur tont know one of the horses.
Come, how is it to pe ?"
" Why one of us had better take the two first horses against the
field.*'
" Very well ! Which shall have the first ?"
" Oh, it matters not ! You take them."
" Very coot ! Now look out : the two first are mine."
The horses started. It was an excellent start. Tliey were all off
together, and seemed to fly. It was a long and most beautiful race,
and being on all hands admirably contested, the excitement was wdl
kept up till the last. The favourite won by half a length, and when
the result became known, it was interesting to discriminate between the
winners and the losers. Sunshine on the one hand, and clouds on the
other, marked those of each class with unerring distinctness. It
seemed to be impossible to make a mistake. No man could suppose
that they who sported heavy overhanging brows and compressed lips,
were the winners ; or that they were the losers who looked round and
smiled. Some it is true can bear to lose better than others ; for there
are men who cannot lose to the extent even of a pound without feeling
remarkably wretched ; but although there are many who make a point
of kindling up their countenances, m order to make it appear when they
lose that they feel just as joyful as if they had won ; the amiable hy-
pocrisy is perceptible at a glance, so sure are they to overdo the thing
"With a smile which is truly expressive of nothing but pain.
Valentine lost of course, but his loss was so mconsiderable that he
scarcely gave it a thought ; yet even he did not appear to be so highly
pleased quite as Liewellen : for although it is possible for a man to
VALENTINE VOX. 511
avoid the expresdon of pain when he loses, he cannot avoid expressing
pleasure when he wins.
As soon as the excitement produced hy the race had suhsided, Llcwellen
became impatient for dinner, and as his importunities increased in ear-
nestness every moment, they entered a booth in which various kinds of
provisions were displayed in the most tempting manner possible.
" Now, my poy," said Llewellen, *' pefore we pekin, too let's have
a pottle of peer, for inteet cootness knows it, hur feel fit to trop."
A bottle of stout was therefore obtained, and while Llewellen was
whetting his appetite with that, Valentine ordered the dinner of an ex-
tremely fat fussy attendant, who obviously prided himself much upon
his agility. It appeared that he had never learned to walk : run he
could witli any man in England of his size ; but he was clearly afraid
to trust himself out of a trot. His pace was about eight miles an hour,
and out of that pace, when in motion, it was manifestly impossible for
him to get. When called, he seemed startled : his legs were shocked :
they could no more have kept still when a man shouted ^^ Waiter !"
than they could if they had been at the moment pow^erfuUy galvanized.
He was, in short, one of the most perfect pieces of mechanism ever
produced in the shape of a man; while the state of excitement in
which he revelled was, in the abstract, distressing.
Wliile dining, Valentine watched the extraordinary movements of this
automaton with a high degree of pleasure. It was the first of the
species he had ever seen, for a regular waiter is a different thing alto-
gether. There is little about nim to excite admiration. He is all
starch and method. When sober he seems to know exactly what he is
about. Nothing can get him into a run : he wouldn't do it to save the
soul of any man upon earth. But here was one of the ^^ occasional "
hands, whose assiduity is at all times striking. They can no more be
Sot to walk than the ^' regulars " can be got to run, wherein lies the
ifference between the two classes.
No sooner had Valentine brought his mind to bear upon this highly
impressive distinction, than an over-dressed personage marched into the
booth with a rather remarkable degree of pomposity, and having looked
very severely upon all around, took his seat with an immense air, re-
moved his hat, of which the shape was rather recherchS^ adjusted his
curls, raised his stock, and called ^^ Waiter I"
The occasional on the instant flew to him, as if a flash of forked
lightning had been pricking him behind, and rather trembled to behold
the immense one who, as he frowned, said with much regal dignity,
" Waiter ! or er, bring me some lunch."
^^ Weal an am sir chicken sir beef roast an biled ?"
" Well-or-m ! bring me a dish of ham an beef. And-or '* he added
with great deliberation, waving his hand with theatrical elegance
" You may-or " He was about to say more, but the occasional was
out of sight, and had they both kept on, by the time the one had
finished, the other might with ease have got a mile or two below the
horizon. As the occasional however had not so far to go, he soon shot
back with the dish of ham and beef that had been ordered, and when
512 LIFE AND ADTENTUABB OP
the great man had given another order for some stout, he set to work
with considerable spirit.
It was then five o'clock a fiict which would not, perhaps, have
been placed upon record, but for the circumstance of the individual in
question having called for a ^^ lunch " and as Valentine thought that
he did not look much like a man who had been in the habit of dining
at eight, he felt curious to know whetlier that dish of ham and beef
viras or was not to be in reality his dinner.
But then the question was how could this knowledge be got at :
how could the interesting fact be ascertained ? Valentme considered
for a moment, and having conceived a scheme which he imagined would
be efiectual, he resolved to embrace the first opportunity for carrying it
into execution.
By this time the immense one had about half emptied the dish, and
as the occasional was assiduously hovering near him, Valentine imitating
the voice of the pompous personage, who at the moment was raising a
glass of stout to his lips, crie(^ ^* Waiter! take away waitor!^-
cheese !"
In an instant the occasional seized the dish and plate, and before the
immense one, who was drinking, could speak, he had reached the
other end of the booth, and shot the contents of both into a backet of
kitchen-stuff.
** Waiter ! wutor f shouted the immense one, half choked, for the
last gulp of stout had been excessively violent. ^^ Waiter !",
^' Comin, sir ! Ksomin, sir !" cried Uie occasional, who shot back at
once with a small slice of cheese.
*' What do you mean, waiter, by taking away my dinner before I'm
half done ?"
^^ I beg pardon, sir, reely sir, I thought sir, you told me."
'' Told you ! Not a bit of it ! Bring it back instantly ! What do
you mean V
Bring it back ! The utterance of these awful words made the occa-
sional look unspeakably blue. Bring it back ! It was all very well;
but how was he to eet it ? He wasn't going to pay out of his own
pocket for half a dish of fresh ! A thought struck him ! ^He glided
like a sound substantial sylph towards the bucket, and fished the pieces
out, and having scr&ped them into cleanliness, he placed them pictu-
resquely upon the dish, and then did ^' bring it back " with great
presence of mind.
^^ Another time, waiter," said the immense one, " remove not a gentle-
man's plate till he is done ;" and having delivered himself with some
striking dramatic action to this efect, he recommenced operations, and
appeared to enjoy it much.
Valentine was now of course satisfied on the particular point pro-
posed ; but the actor for an actor he evidently was continued to be-
have in so ridiculous a fashion, that had Valentine met with him in any
other place, he would doubtless have worked him into a high state of
frothy excitement.
^* Ganhong !" cried the gceat one, when the ham and beef had
OWuWnWj"
VALSNTINB VOX. 513
wholly disappeared. ^' Garshong !" he repeated, heing anxious to make
a hit, as there were several persons near him ^' Cfarshan^ I**
The occasional heard him, but conceiving veiy natnraUy that some
other gentleman had been called, he of course did not feel it to be his
dnty to interfere.
^' Waitor !*' at .length shouted the immense one, disgusted with the
fellow's profound ignorance of the French . language-" Some from-
midge here l^-cheese !"
" I es, sir, beg pardon sir ; cheese, sir, and what else ?"
"Nothing, you unintellectual individual,'' replied the great man,
who looked round for some applause, but to his horror he " hadn't a
hand." When therefore the cheese had been produced, he set to work
upon it at'once in a somewhat savage manner, which Valentine no
sooner perceived than assuming his voice, and making it appear to pro-
ceed firom his lips, he cried " Waitor ! a bottle of the best champagne 1"
The occasional started off at a rate which rather exceeded his usual
eifffat miles an hour to execute this order, and on hb return venr natu-
rally placed it before the great one, who seemed somewhat struck.
" Waiter, what's this ? he demanded.
*^ Champagne, sir."
** I want it not ; why bring it here ?"
" You ordered it, sir."
" Fellow ! what do you mean? I ordered it not."
" I'd be sorry to say, sir, you did, if you didn't."
" Am I to inform your master of your insolence ? Away with it.
Do you hear T
" Beg pardon, sir, but IVe paid ion it. I'm obleedged to pay for
every thing as I has 'em." ^
" And what's that to me ? Let me have no more of it, I desire."
" Very well, sir ; only yon ordered it sir, that's all. I shouldn't
have brought it if you hadn't."
" Waiter !" cried Valentine, in his natural voice.
" Yes^ sir," said the occasional, who approached rather gloomily.
" "What have you there ? gooseberry wine V
" Champagne, sir : the best in the world."
"Itweood?"
" Excellent, sir ! the finest ever made."
" Then open it."
With all the alacrity in life, the occasional drew the cork, and as he
evidently felt mnch better, he was off for another glass like a shot.
The immense one now prepared to make his exit. He did not
appear to feel happy. The production of the champagne had unsettled
hun somewhat, but having made up his noble mind to leave with Maij
he cried, ^^ Waitor ! now uien, what's the damage T
" Am an beef sir cheese sir bread, bottle stout seven an rix."
" What !" exclaimed the great one, inspired with amazement.
" Seven an six sir," repeated the occasional, coolly.
" Seven and nxpence ! Seven and six I What, for a lunch 7"
^* That's the charge sir for what you've had."
3ir
99
514 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
" Why, they never charged me seven and sixpence for a lunch at the
Clarendon !"
" Werry like, sir, some stablishments cuts werry low ; but, sir, we
gives the best of every think here."
'^ Extortionate ! seven shillings and sixpence for a lunch ! Why I
never in my life heard of so gross an imposition."
*"* It aint a imposition, sir. It's nothiuk but the reg'lar charge.'*
'' Silence, sir ! don't talk to me ! I say it is an imposition a vile
imposition ! The idea of seven and sixpence for a lunch I There's the
money. I'll post you all over the course."
The waiter took up the silver which had been thrown down with
great indignation, and having counted it slowly three times, looked
with singular significance at the victim.
' Well ! why look at me ? Is it right V
" Seven an six, sir. Waiter, sir, please.'
" Not the ghost of a copper, if I know it.'
" We has nothink sir ony what we gets," urged the occasional ; hut
the immense one contemning this powerful argument in favour of a
gratuity, frowned darkly, and marched from the booth.
*' He is some creat man, I suppose," said Llcwellen, who had been
watching his movements for some time with interest.
^' No doubt," returned Valentine, " in his own estimation be is tlie
greatest man of the age."
'' Putt is ^he no potty inteet ? Tout you think he's a gentleman,
look you ?"
'* Did you over see a gentleman act like him ? ^But come, let us be
off, or we shall lose the last race/'
" Very coot, hur'm quite ready,"
The waiter was called, and when they had settled with him to his
entire satisfaction, they returned to the course full of spirit. All but
the last race had been decided, and Valentine began to amuse himself
again by offering the most extraordinary odds upon record. The
betting men were perfectly amazed. They perspired with anxiety to
take the odds offered, but their utter inability to discover him whom
they 80 eagerly panted to victimise, was a thing which they could not
at all understand, and which thWfore created a singular sensation.
To Llewellen all this was uninteresting of course. Had he been in
possession of Valentine's secret, his rapture would doubtless have been
rather alarming ; but being in a state of utter ignorance on the subject,
he naturally held it to be extremely dull work, and therefore endea-
voured to prevail upon him to mingle with those who seemed
somewhat more lively. Valentine consented, and as there were yet no
symptoms of an immediate start, he proceeded to initiate him into the
various systems of swindling which characterise race-courses in the
aggregate. Llewellen was absolutely astounded when practices, of
which he had never had the most remote conception, were explained,
and when Valentine had pointed out to him divers illustrations ' of
the truth of what he had stated, lie began to look upon all who thus
permitted themselves to be victimised as fools, although on many occa-
VALBNTINB VOX 515
sions he'found it difficult to abstain from becoming a victim himself. Tliis
was made more particularly manifest while they were standing at a
^^ prick in the garter " table, at which a gentleman had a long piece of
list, which he wound round and offered any money that no man could
prick in the middle. This seemed to be simple, very simple, indeed,
and the gentleman who presided laboured zealously to convince all
luround that although he would bet all he had that none coidd do it, his
private impression was that nothing on earth could more easily be
done. Several gentlemen who were perfectly unknown to him of
course ! tried and won divers sovereigns oP hand, which had the effect
of inducing Llewellen to believe that the conductor was most intensely
stupid, and ought not to have been trusted out alone, and so 6rmly did
he entertain this belief, that he pitied the man, and was about to stako
a sovereign himself solely in order to convince him that as he had not
the most remote chance of winning, he had better shut up shop and go
quietly iiome to his wife and family ; but Valentine, the moment he
perceived Llewellen's object, did without the slightest ceremony drag
nim away.
The next respectable group they met with, had been attracted by a
thimble rigging gentleman, w^ho seemed to have set his soul upon
losing every sovereign he had and he displayed about forty so
bungliug and awkward he appeared. In Llewellen's view ho didn't
half understand his business. It was perfectly ridiculous to suppose a
man incapable of discovering the pea ; an infant might have told where
it was ; the only thing which seemed to him to be extraordinary was
that a roan with eyes m his head should be sufficiently blind to make
any mistake at all about it. The thing was so palpable, so singularly
clear; the impossibility of being deceived was manifest even to the
meanest capacity.
I *' Why, my poy !" said Llewellen, " can't you tell phere it is every
time ?"
" Yes," replied Valentine, " / can tell, but you can't."
'' Pless your soul ant potty ! Ilurll pe pount to tell ninety-nine
times out of a huntret."
" Where do you suppose it to be now ?"
" Why, under the mittle thimple, of course."
'* It is not under either of the thimbles ; depend upon it, Fred, the
fellow has it in his hand."
" Putt, my dear poy, hur saw him place the thimple right over it."
^^ He appeared to do so ; but as he placed the thimble down he took
the pea up : he has it now between his fingers, and were he to raise the
one nearest to us, he coidd make it appear to have been under tiiat."
Llewellen held this to be impossible, and began to argue the
matter aside with great spirit. lie contended for the absurdity of
the idea of a fellow Tike that being able to deceive hiniy and expressed
himself anxious to have one trial for the sole purpose of convincing
Valentine of his error.
^^ How strange it is," said Valentine, '' that men will not be guided
by the experience of others."
516 LIFB AND ABTENTURES OP
**Putt, my coot fellow, in such a case as this, it is only my own
experience that can satisfy me that what yon conceive to be conect
rei^ is so. Shall hnr try ? Jnst to convince you ?"
Valentine smiled, and Llewellen took a sovereign out of his purse
and went close to the table. It was in an instant perceived that he
liad been caught, and the thimbles were adjusted, when with the most
perfect confidence he threw down his sovereign, but on raising the
thimble beneath which he felt quite sure the pea was, he discovered, as
a mere matt^ of course, that beneath that thimble the pea really was
not.
On this highly important discovery being made, the respectable indi-
viduals who were standing round the table began to laugh very loudly,
as if indeed they lookea upon it as an extremely good joke; but
Llewellen, after having made a series of mysterious faces, while he yet
held the thimble between his finger and thumb, made no sort of remark
upon this general manifestation of merrimeni^ but left the spot vrith
Valentine, vriser than before.
*^ You are right, my poy, quite right," said he, ^ t' cootness knows
it ! Putt phy tit they laugh so particularly phen hur lost ? Phen the
others lost they titn't laugh at all T
*^ No, tha others were confederates ; each has a share of the profits of
the speculation ; they have nothing to laugh at when they win or lose
among themselves; they laugh only when they happen to catch a
gudgeon like you, Fred, and that they should laugh at such a time is
not amazing."
'* Well, mteet, now hur never was pefore so much teceived. Hur
was as sure that that little fool of a thing vms there, as hur ever was of
anything in my life. Putt, however, they will have to kit up very
early in the morning inteet to kit any thing like another sovereign out
of me."
*^ You have made up your mind then not to patronise them regularly ?**
"Never more, my poy, never more," said Llewellen, who aiter
having shaken his head with sufficient solemnity to convey an idea of
the firmness of his resolution, became as merry on the subject as if he
had merely seen the process performed upon some other victim.
The horses were now about to start for the last race, and the friends
took their station. They had another bet of course ; Llewellen foauld
have a bet, for as they had made up their minds to walk back to the
railway, he suggested the propriety of stopping to have one more bottle
of champagne at Windsor, and coffee at Slough, which suggfsstion was
unopposed, and the race commenced, and it singularly enough happened
to be as much like all other races as possible. The horses started;
they ran the distance, and on reaching the winning post one was a-head.
It is inscrutable perhaps, that this should be invariably so ; but that it
is so invariably, is a fact which no man may dispute.
Immediately after the termination of this race all around became one
scene of bustle and confusion. Thousands of horses were put to simul-
taneously, and every creature seemed anxious to quit the scene as soon
as possible. Had a hostile army appeared in the distance they could
VALSNTINB VOX. 517
DOt have been in more eager haste to retreat, while each charioteer
seemed to have made up his mind to break the necks of all under his
immediate protection.
Valentine and liewellen walked coolly from the course, noticing
every thing worthy of notice, and, accompanied by thousands, reached
Windsor, where they stopped as they had previously proposed. They
then went on to Sloueh, and after having had coffee, returned to tovni
by one of the trains, highly delighted with their day's recreation.
CHAPTER LXI.
DESCRIBES 8BTERAL INTERVIEWS, BUT MORE PARTICULARLY ONE
BETWEEN WRITALL AND RAVEN,
Another week elapsed, and nothing had been decided. Whitely, who
had resolved not to act in any way until he had taken the opinion of
Serjeant Talbot, was waiting for the Serjeant's arrival in town, although
Uncle John urged him again and again to delay the thing no longer,
but to take the best advice he could immediately procure. In the
mean time Haven confined himself almost exclusively to his room.
His spirits continued to be dreadfully depressed, and he had become so
excessively peevish, that the servants absolutely trembled to go near
him. He had never been a very affectionate master, and they knew it,
but the way in which he treated them then was in their view insuf-
ferable beyond all precedent I and it was very harah.
There was, however, one of them to whom he was particularly mild,
and that was Joseph, the sentimental porter, whose comprehensive
faculties, Valentine, who viewed him as a most superb hypocrite in his
way, had ever gloried in distressing. Raven's conspicuous kindness to
this fellow had always appeared to be inexplicable. No one in the
house could at all understand why }ie should be petted^ for petted he
had ever been, albeit he was a most decided wretch in appearance, and
remarkably insolent if he happened to be put at all out of his way.
His fellow-servants hated him heartily, forasmuch as they did very
strongly suspect him of having on sundry occasions told divers abomi-
nable tales about them, with the view of deprecating their value as
confidential individuals in their master's estimation ; but they never did
hate him so intensely as then, for while Raven's special behaviour to
him was rendered by contrast more striking, he had become a great
man, and boasted not only of the money he possessed, but of the fact
of his having a certain person under his thumb ! which they held to be
very mysterious, particularly as he often condescended to exjilain to
them, that he might if he chose, have the best place in the house, and
teoidd^ but that the one he then occupied afforded him more leisure for
reflection. AH this was intended exclusively for the kitchen, but it soon
reached the ears of Louise through her maid, who conceived it to be
$18 LIF& AND ADTENTURES OF
her duty on all occasions to be as communicative as possible, and the
moment she heard of it, it became known to Valentine of course, for he
and Louise were now as one: they lived in each others hearts: tliey
seemed to have but one soul, and while in him she found a perfect
realization of her dearest hopes, he loved her sp fondly that
" If Heaven had made him such another world
Of one entire and perfect chrysolite,
He'd not have sold her for it."
""" It is very extraordinary," she observed, after explaining the whole
matter, "is it not? What on earth can he mean by his boast of
having a certain person under his thumb V*
" Oh, servants will talk,'' said Valentine, who was anxious for Louise
to think nothing more of it. " We ought not to examine such matters
too closely ; it were indeed a most unprofitable task to analyse every-
thing ^y say."
"But whom can he mean by a certain person? Surely he cannot
mean papa ? And yet the way in which papa behaves usually to him,
has frequently struck me as being most strange. I cannot endure the
creature myself; I never by any chance speak to liim; but papa is
continually making the man presents. Upon my life I tliink there is
something very mysterious about it"
" Do not distress yourself, my love," said Valentine. " The proba-
bility is that the man knew the secret which has just been disdoseid, and
presumed upon it, as such fellows will ; but now that the thing is no
longer a secret, his power is of course at an end."
*'That was it ! no doubt of it. Well, now it never struck me. I
have always thought it singular that he should have been treated with
so much consideration ; but this accounts for it at once."
*'*' If I were your father I'd kick him out of the house. I'd not have
such a fellow about the premises.''
" Nor would I ; for he is a very idle person, and moves like a sloth,
except indeed it be to promote any species of mischief. Ill speak to
papa about him, I should like to have the matter cleared up.**
^' You had better not mention the subject to hinv at present. It will
but annoy, him. Let us wait till things are settled."
^^Well, perhaps under the circumstances it will be as well to do
that. But I do think it very bad conduct, and I am sure it ought not
to be concealed from papa."
Valentine now changed the subject, for although he afiTected to treat
the thing lightly before Louise, he felt that the mystery had not yet
been solved, and that therefore it was a matter upon which she ought
not to be permitted to dwelL
A few days after this, Serjeant Talbot returned to town, and Whitely
lost no time in going to consult him. He explained to him how the
case stood precisely: every circumstance was mentioned: he kept
nothing back, and the result was that the Serjeant, after due considera-
tion, declared that there was no law in existence by which Raven could
be reached.
VALENTINE VOX. 519
" He is in fact," said he, " shielded by the law. It is his panoply ;
it affords him the most complete protection. It is of course disgraceful
that it should be so ; but the law as it at present stands allows a man
to incarcerate another, however sane, under the plea of insanity. It
protects him in the act ; no malice can be shown, and if even it could,
the signatures of the medical men exonerate him ; their certificate is
his indemnity, and they are indemnified in turn by the law, which
assumes that at the time such certificate was signed, the victim was, in
their judgment, insane. For this then you have no redress, and as far
as regards the collateral villanies the seduction of your wife, the dis-
position of your property, and so on you are not in a position to
adduce a single particle of proof ; you have not the slightest evidence to
bring forward ; not a witness ; not a document of any kind to show.
My advice to you, therefore, under the circumstances, is to come to an
arrangement with this person, and make the best terms you can."
^' But is it not,'' said Whitely, ** a duty I owe to society to expose
such a villain V
" It may be ; but have you the power to do it ? And if you have,
can you afford to do it ? These are two highly important questions to
be considered. An attempt to expose him effectually would in iill pro*
bability cost five hundred pounds, and if you failed in that attempt,
and faO you most assuredly would, you would subject yourself to an
action for slander, which would cost you at least five hundred pounds
more."
'' But can I not compel him to restore, or at least to give me some
information respecting my children ?"
^* No. What if he were to say that he knows nothing of them :
how can you prove that he does ? Nay, how can you prove that he ever
saw those children ? You have no such proof: in-law, his word of
course, would be held to be equal in value with your own."
^' But do you not think that if I were to threaten a public exposure
in the event of his withholding this iuformation from me, it would have
some efiect ?"
^' As a man of the world he would despise such a threat. No ; as
he appears not to be quite lost to every sense of justice for clearly if
he were he would not have offered the compromise as a sort of repara-
tion you can stipulate for such information being given : that is to
say, you can promise, provided it be given, to consent to a private
arrangement. But let me, sir, strongly recommend you to avoid mis-
taking perhaps a natural desire for revenge, for any sense of public
duty. They are perfectly distinct, but often confounded, so specious
an excuse does the idea of such public duty afford for indulging our
most vindictive passions. Men frequently inflict upon themselves
irreparable injury by faUing into this very error ; in your unhappy case
this mistake would amount to utter rain.'^
Whitely was convinced. He now plainly perceived that Raven was
beyond the reach of law, and therefore immediately after hb consulta-
tion with Serjeant Talbot, he decided upon giving his answer to Uncle
John, who had been anxiously waiting his return.
520 UFB AND ADTBMTUIUai OF
^* Well, my friend," said Uncle John, as Whitely entered the room ;
^ have you seen him V
*^ Yes," replied Whitely, who appeared to be anosoally depiessed.
"And what is his opinion r
" He has proved to me, my friend, that you were right, ^that I can-
not with any degree of safety proceed. I have therefore no altematiTe:
I must consent to an arrangement, provided I receive from him such
information as may lead to the recovery of my children."
" All the information he can give respecting them you may make up
your mind, my friend, to have. Vm" quite sure he'll do it. He can
now have no motive for withholding it from you. What then shall I
propose ? Shall I say that in the event of his giving you this informa-
tion, you will accept the sum he offered ?"
" No," replied Whitely ; *^1 will receive nothing from him but that
which is my own. I cannot of course tell what my property realised ;
but as ke can for I have not the smallest doubt that he sold it and
took the proceeds let him return to me that which it produced : I re*
quire nothing more."
" If he did sell it, as you imagine, he must be a very bad man indeed,
and one vrith whom I should not like to have any dealings. However,
as I have gone so &r I'll not retreat. I'll go to him at once, and depend
upon it all that I can do to promote your views and interests shall be
done."
"Of that I feel convinced, my dear friend," replied Whitely; "I
leave the whole matter with the most perfect confidence in your
hands."
Uncle John then started ; and at about the same time a person called
at Raven's house, and having ascertained that he was within, sent up
his card with an intimation tnat he wished to speak privately with him
on business of immediate importance.
" Mr. Writall !" said Raven, on looking at the card ; " I don't know
him. Writall ? WeU let him walk up."
When the servant had departed to fetch Mr. Writall, Raven endea-
voured not only to remember Uie name, but to conceive what this bosi*
ness of importance could be. In both points, however, he failed, and
Mr. Writall was formally ushered into the room.
'' Mr. Raven, I presume," said Mr. Writall, with all his characteristic
pomposijiy ; " I hope, sir, you are well."
" Be seated, sir, said Raven, without replying to this affectionate
interrogatory, and Mr. Writall accordingly took a seat and coughed
three tmies in order that his throat might be dear, and drew out his
handkerchief gracefully and wiped his noble brow, and then said,
** Mr. Raven, my object in calling upon you, requires perhaps some
little preliminary explanation in order to its being distinctly understood.
I am a solicitor, sir, and among my clients I have the honour to num-
ber Mr. Whitely, of whom I believe you have some slight knowledge."
Mr. Writall here paused to watch the effdct of Whitely's name iSn^
mentioned; but Raven, who was reposing in an easy chair, saic^
'' WeU, sir ?" without displaying the slight^ emotion.
VALENTINE VOX. 521
" My client, sir," continued Mr. Writall, '* iiaving of course entered
into that unfortunate affair, to which I need not perhaps more particu-
larly allude, has placed the matter entirely in my hands; but as I
find him resolutely bent upon vengeance, and as I make it a point
never to promote the purely vindictive views of any of my clients, I
have called upon you, conceiving you to be a man of the world, to
ascertain whether the thing cannot be arranged, you know, privately be-
tween us."
" Has Mr. Whitely authorised you to call ?" enquired Raven.
'* Decidedly not. No, he has not the most remote idea of my
calling."
" Then in plain terms," said Raven, " your object is to sell him ?"
" Why er not exactly," replied Mr. Writall, who at tlie moment
felt somewhat confused by the prompt way in which this matter-of-fact
question was put. " Most decidedly, not exactly."
" Am I to understand," said Raven, pointedly, " that you regard mo
as a mere man of the world T
" Most decidedly," replied Mr. Writall.
" Very well, then ; the plainer you speak to me the better. Let
there be no disguise ; no beating about the bush ; let every thing be
perfectly pkin and straightforward. What is it you propose V*
" Mr. Raven, you have saved me a world of trouble. I'd rather do
business with one man like you, than with iifty who have no idea of
the nature of things, and who are laden with scruples, and doubts, and
apprehensions. It is pleasurable in the extreme to transact "
*'Well, sir," said Raven, impatiently, **let us come to the point.
You have, you say, the management of this affair for Whitely ?"
*' I have ; and he certainly has been ^"
^ No matter what he has been ; that has nothing whatever to do
with it. The question is, what proposition have you now to
make to me ?"
" In a word then, to be plain, for I find that we perfectly understand
each other, I am prepared to undertake of course for a consideration
either to put him upon the wrong scent, by bringing actions which
cannot be maintained, or to induce him to agree to whatever proposition
for a private arrangement you may feel disposed to make."
**Is it your impression that any action which may be brought
against me can be maintained ?"
"Why," said Writall, with an air of mystery, "that is a question
which you cannot at present expect me to answer. It would hardly
be honest to "
" In this business,** interrupted Raven, " we had better not speak
about honesty."
" Well, I agree with you ; perhaps it would be better to put that
altogether out of view ; but you see, as far as I am alone concerned, it
would not be quite prudent to explain just at present my own private
feelings upon that point."
"I understand you. Nor is it essential that you should. Your
dx
522 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
disinclination to answer the question is a sufficient proof to me that
you do Tiot think that any action can succeed."
" AVhy, I don't know that."
" As a lawyer, you must know that no law can touch me !*'
^^ Well, even assuming it to be so, of course you are aware that you
are in a position to be seriously annoyed."
^' Now you speak ! I am quite aware of that, and am anxious to
avoid it. I wish to take no advantage of your client ; on the contrary,
I am willing to give him the sum I proposed, provided he will give me
an undertaking that he will let the unhappy affair drop for ever. If
you can induce him to do this, you and I may come to terms ; if not,
why he must take his own course, and the matter as between you and
me will be at an end."
^^ I will undertake at once to induce him to do this."
" You of course have the power?"
" Beyond all dispute."
'^ Very well. As his legal adviser you ou^At to possess the power to
do it ; and in the event of its being done, what would you consider a
fair remuneration?"
" Why you see I can scarcely tell. I'd much rather leave it to
your liberality."
^* Leave nothing to my liberality. Let us come to terms at once."
" Well, should you as it's rather an irregular thing should you
consider now, a hundred pounds too much ?"
" No; ril give you a hundred pounds, and the sooner you earn it
the better."
^' Depend upon it, sir, it shall be done."
" Very well ; then set to work immediately, and let me either see
you or hear from you as soon as his consent has been obtained."
" That I'll do," said Mr. Writall, and a pause ensued, during which
he looked mysteriously at Raven, who at length inquired if anything
more need be said ?
" Why," replied Mr. Writall, with great deliberation, " Of course you
are aware that in cases of this kind -I can speak to you because you
are quite a man of business, a man of the world, and perfectly under-
stand the nature of things I therefore say, that of course, you are
aware that in all such cases it is usual, you understand, to pay in
advance."
*^ Oh ! it w usual ? Well, I'll not dispute the matter with yon. I
take it for granted that it is so, for I should say that few men know
better than you whether in all 9uch cases it be usual or not ! But if
you imagine that / shall pay you in advance for this service, I may as
well tell you at once that you are mistaken. You give me credit for
being a man of business, a man of the world, and yet you would deal
with me as with a natural fool. Were I to pay you in advance, what
security should I have that this service vrill be performed ?"
'' Oh ! I'll undertake to do it ! I pledge you my honour it shall be
done !"
"Your honour, Mr. Writall, is a thing to which I should never
VALENTINE VOX. 523
dream of trusting. You are a great rogue, Writall ; you know it,
and you evidently hold me to be almost as great a rogue as yourself."
Mr. Writall smiled at this, and would liave laughed heartily, had not
Raven continued : '^ Let us, therefore, in this business, deal with each
other as rogue deals with rogue. When the thing has been done, I'll
pay, but not before."
" Well, sir, I like every man to be candid ; I admire him who tells
me at once what he means; but when you speak of security, what
security have /, that when I have effected the object the money will
be paid r
*' 1 am always to be found 1"
** And so am I ! I am always to be found, and you object to trust
me / Besides, what if you are always to be found ? You well know
that I could not attempt to recover, were you inclined to be dishonour-
able, without compromising my reputation as a professional man. No ;
I'll tell you what, as one of us must trust the other, we had better split
the difference thus : you pay me now half the money down, and Til
trust to your honour to pay me the rest when the work has been
accomplished. You understand V
" Oh, perfectly ! I understand I But it will not do, Writall. I
should be sorry to mislead you on any point, and therefore I tell you
at once, that it will not do. You are as honest, I have no doubt, as
you appear to be : I am quite disposed to go so far as that, although
I am bound to admit that that is no great distance. It is, howcTcr, as
well that you should know this, in order that you may be well assured
I shall not pay you until you have accomplished the object proposed."
*' Well, sir ; that is certainly as it should be plain, and much to the
purpose. But as you see, I am entirely in your hands, or as it were,
at your mercy, what say you to advancing five-and-twenty pounds or
so, just to go on with, or rather as an earnest of what you intend to
do when I have performed my part of the contract ? Surely you cannot
with any show of reason object to that ?"
" Bring me in writing your client's consent to my proposal, and I'll
instantly give you a cheque for the amount ; but before that is brought
to me I'll not advance a shilling."
" But," urged Writall, who seemed determined not to give the thing
up, '^ do you conceive that to be under the circumstances quite fair!
You will not trust me to the extent of one quarter of the amount ; yet
1 must trust you to the extent of the whole ?"
** Why, surely I am safe for a paltry hundred pounds !"
^' Safe, my dear sir ! You are safe, I have no doubt, for a hundred
thousand ! But that haa nothing whatever to do with it ! I would
trust you in the regular way to any amount, because I perfectly well
know that I should in that case be able to recover. But you see, this
is an altogether different thing ! It is not like a regular transaction.
It cannot even appear in my books. It depends entirely upon your
honour, and if you should mark, I only say if you should when I
have done what is necessary, be indisposed to pay me, I should be
utterly unable to compel you to do so, without exposing myself, and
524 LIFK AND ADVENTURES OF
thus destroying my reputation, which of course I would not do for a
hundred times the amount. So that you sco I have no security at
all!"
At this moment Uncle John knocked loudly at the door, when Baven,
who knew his knock, exclaimed, ^^ That's fortunate!" and rang the
hell to desire the servant to show him up. ^^ Uere is a friend," he
continued, ''to whom the whole affair is known. Ue will be my
surety."
"Is he a man upon whom you can depend?'* inquired Writall.
" You must remember, my character is at stake in this business, and
that the most profound secrecy must be observed."
" Fear nothing from him," replied Raven ; " I would trust him with
my life. Your cliaracter is as secure in his hands as it is in mine."
Mr. Writall did not much approve of the idea of introducing a
friend ; he felt fidgctty for the moment, but on being reassured that liis
secret would be safe, he had just succeeded in calming his apprehensions
as Uncle John entered. Tlie very moment, however, he saw him^ the
expression of his face was at all points peculiar. He recognised in him
Whitely's friend at a glance; but as there was no possibility of escape,
he bridled himself up, and facing the enemy like a rat in a comer,
made up his mind to the worst.
Uncle John bowed distantly as Raven introduced him, and wondered
very naturally what had brought him there, lie had scarcely, how-
ever, taken his seat when Raven proceeded to enlighten him on the
subject with all possible gravity and effect.
*' This gentleman," said he, " who is Mr. Whitely s legal adviser,
has called to make a proposition to which I am inclined to accede : not
because I am desirous of taking the slightest advantage of Mr. Whitely,
but because I consider that man to be his friend who will induce him to
consent to a private arrangement instead of foolishly having recourse to
law. Mr. Writall has offered to do this, and I am disposed to accept
his offer, conceiving it to be the best possible course he can recommend
his client to pursue.''
Uncle John was surprised. He scarcely knew what to make of it.
He looked at Writall and Raven alternately for some few moment^
and then exclaimed, " Why, what a shameless man he must bo who,
while acting as the solicitor fur one party, betrays him by offering to
meet the views of the other !"
^* We are aware," said Mr. WritaU, " that this is not a regular trans-
action."
^^A regular transaction! Why you ought to be struck off the
rolls !"
" Strike me off ! Who's to do it ? What can you prove ?"
^' Are you not rather hasty, my friend ?" observed Raven, addressing
Uncle John. " This proceeding is dishonourable ; Writall knows it to
be dishonourable, and were it calculated to injure Mr. Whitely, it
should not have my countenance ; but as it must tend to his good,
don't you think that it would be better to sanction it rather than induce
him to resort to law, in which he must of necessity fail ?"
YALRNTINB VOX. 525
" You don't know that man/' said Uncle John, " you don't know
what he is. Of course you are to pay him for this service ?"
*'*' He has offered to do it for a hundred pounds, which sum I have
consented to give him."
** You have not yet-done so, I hope ?"
" No, I have told him that I decidedly object to pay in advance."
" Then he did want the hundred pounds down ? Of course ! just
what I expected."
" Did you indeed !" said Writall, with a sneer. " Dear me, how
very wonderful ! So it was what you expected eh ? was it ?"
*' Why what a disreputable man you must be !" said Uncle John.
'^ How disgraceful is your conduct ! You have had the audacity to
come here for the purpose of robbing this gentleman, when "
" Rob, sir ! rob ! What do you mean ?" cried Writall, who finding
that it was now all over with him there, felt that the best thing he
could do was to brazen it out ; '^ Do you mean to say that / wish to
rob any man ?" #
" I do, distinctly," returned Uncle John ; " you came here for the
express purpose of getting a hundred pounds of Mr. Ilaven under the
])retcnce of being Whiteljr s solicitor, when you perfecHy well know
that you are not."
" You are " (this was a very bad expression).
** You infamous man !" cried Uncle John, very indignantly, " how
dare you apply such an epithet to me, when I never, to my knowledge,
told a falsehood in my life ! I say again that you are not his solicitor*
He never called upon you but once, and that was when he was accom-
panied by me, and when you disgusted him by offering to procure false
witnesses to prop up his case V*
Again the gross epithet was applied by Mr. Writall, which made
Uncle John look remarkably red.
'* Did you go with Mr. Whitely to the house of this man V* in-
quired Raven.
^^ I did ; at his request : he being anxious to prove to me tliat Iris
intentions were perfectly honourable and straightforward."
'^ Leave the house !" said Raven, pointing to the door.
" Leave the house !" echoed Writall. "That is rather a cool way of
addressing a man."
" Do you wish me to have you thrown into the street ?"
" That is still more cool ! Thrown into the street ! Very rich ! I
should like to see the fellow that could do it V
*' You bad man," said Uncle John, rising. " Do you mean, sir, to
leave the house quietly ?"
" What if I don't V
" Why in that case, you impudent person, I must make you."
" Make me 1 You make me ! Why that's about the most spicy
thing I've heard yet !"
" You would soon be glad to retreat, sir, if my Valentine were hero."
" Your Valentine ! Who's she ? Did she send you anything wry
inflaming on the fourteenth of February, eh ?"
520 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
i)
** My friend, ring the bell. Now, sir, do you mean to leave Uie
room V
Wntall placed himself firmly upon the edge of the table and cried
" No ! not until I think proper. What do you mean by telling lies
about me, you abominable old slanderer ?"
Uncle John was now excessively ruffled, and approached him more
nearly.
" Touch me !" cried Writall, " only touch me ! ^lay so much as a
finger upon me, and I'll give you a little law. Do it ! now here I
am ! do it ! you can't well miss me ! I'm big enough and near
enough ! why don't you do it ? I only wish you would."
*' Now, sir, am I to summon the whole of my servants !" said Raven,
as one of them entered.
*' Don't distress yourself," said Writall, " I beg. I should be sorry to
give a gentleman of your refined feelings tlie slightest unnecessary
trouble ; but if you think to intimidate me, sir, you are mistaken. I
go, because and solely because I have no wish to remain, but I am not,
sir, a man to be intimidated ! of that you may take your oath. Good
morning to you, gentlemen I Privacy is your object ! Oh, everytliiii^
shall be kept Strictly private ! The time will come, sir, when you will
curse the day on which you insulted me /"
Mr. Writall then screwed his thick lips into the best expression of
superb contempt of which they were capable, and having frowned at
them both with inimitable darkness, stuck his thumbs into the arm-
holes of his waistcoat, and marched with a series of swings fronf the
room.
Uncle John now proceeded to describe the interview which he and
Whitely had had with this " limb " of the law, and concluded by
stating that he did not feel justified in entering before into this ex-
planation, nor should he have felt justified then, had not Whitely at
length consented to a private arrangement.
^' Is that a fact ?" exclaimed Raven, on hearing this. *' Is it a fact T
^^ It is. I have just left him. He came to a decision this morning."
" I am very glad to hear it ! My friend, I owe you much. Well
how is it to be ? What does he propose ? What will he consent to ?"
'^ He has authorised me to say that he will consent to recdve the sum
his property realised, provided you will give him all such information
as may lead to the recovery of his children."
Raven paused, but as it immediately stnick him that he might
betray the feeling by which that pause had been induced, he said,
^' Well, my friend, and what did his property realise ?"
" He cannot tell ! He says that of course you know, as the sales
were effected by you."
*^ Effected by me ! Why who could have told him this monstrous
fiilsehood r
'' He received his information from a man who was formerly his
servant."
" And where is that scoundrel ? Where is he to be found V
^^ That Whitely is unable to tell. He saw him but once and desired
l
VALENTINE VOX. 527
him to call, but he has not yet done so. He told him distinctly that
you that is to say, he with whom his wife eloped sold the properiy
and took the proceeds."
'^ I should like to see that villain.! Believe me, my friend, it is a
most groundless falsehood. I had nothing whatever to do with it : I
knew nothing of it, as I hope for mercy ! No, no ; I'm bad enough it
is true, but not quite so bad as that."
" Well, I thought that it was rather-
*' Rather, sir ! But where were the title deeds at the time?"
^^ In the hands of his solicitor."
^^ And where is that solicitor ?"
"He is dead."
^' He was some such solicitor, I apprehend, as the one who has just
left us. Besides, look at the absurdity of the thing ! Is it likely that
he or any otlier solicitor would have given those title deeds to mev
^' Why, when 1 come to loek at it, I certainly must say that it does
not appear to be probable. It never struck me before, and I am sure that
it never struck Whitely. I'll name the point to him : I have no doubt
hell see it at once."
^*' I hope that he will, for I declare most solemnly that what I have
stated is true. But, to the point. What does he consider this pro-
perty to have been worth V
'^ About six thousand pounds.'
" Very well. The sum I proposed then will cover the whole. I
will give him that sum."
^' He will not consent to receive more than the value of his property,
I *now."
" Then let it be thus settled. He shall have what he considers its
value to have been."
" Well, then, the thing is arranged io far ! Now about the chil-
dren."
'^ On that subject," said Raven, '' he must not expect that I can give
him the slightest information."
^^ Ah ! That's the grand point. That is the very thing about which
he is most anxious. Uan you give him no clue ? The man whom he
saw hinted that he could obtain information which might lead to their
recovery ! If he can do so, what a pity it is he has not called, is it not ?.
Although I must say that after what you have told me, I am inclined
to believe that he knows nothing of them."
" What sort of man teas this 1 Have you any idea ?"
'^ Not the slightest. Whitely never described him ; but I'U get him
to do so."
" I wish you would, I should like to know much."
*^ Then," said Uncle John, " the thing amounts to this : that you will
send him a cheque for this sum on his giving you an undertaking that
he will trouble you on the subject no more, and that unhappily with
respect to the children, you cannot give him the slightest information."
" You see, my friend," said Raven, ^' it may be supposed that I
ought to know all about them ; but you are aware that the woman who
528 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
O
u
cc
proros un&ithful to her liusband, seldom prides herself much upon her
fidelity to another."
Very true," said Uncle John. '* Very true."
The subject, of course, is painful for me to enter into ; but I have
stated enough for you to understand all."
" I see, 1 see ! Well ! You cannot do impossibilities, and therefore
this mtist be no bar to an arrangement. I should have been far more
pleased if you could have given this information, but as you cannot,
why you cannot, and nothing more can be said. Til go back to him at
once and explain all you have stated, for the sooner the thing is settled
now the better, and as he is not an unreasonable man, I hope to be able
to bring you his written undertaking in the course of the day."
" Do so, my friend, and he shall at once have the cheque. I cannot
sufficiently express to you how much I feel obliged **
" Not a word, not a word," said Uncle Jolm, who then left in the
full conviction that Raven*s answers had been ingenuous, although a
man more prone to suspicion would have perceived that, as far as the
children were concerned, those answers evinced studied prevarication.
CHAPTER LXII.
EXPLAINS A VAniETY OP MATTEHS OP IMPORTANCE TO THE PARTIES
CONCERNED.
Llewellen, a few days after he accompanied Valentine to Ascot,
relapsed into wretchedness; and as his appetite again most signally
failed, he began to suspect that he was somewhat consumptive a sns-
picion which was to a lamentable extent confirmed, on reading a highly
popular work upon consumption, which induced him to feel the very
symptoms described.
Under these unhappy circumstances he took to writing poetry, and
in the short space of two days did really succeed in composing the
burden of a song, which he sang aloud from morning till night for in-
spiration, thus :
Peautiful peer,
Peautiful peer,
Theresa no triok io Nature like peautiful peer !
But having miraculously accomplished the burden, he was utterly
unable to do any more. The rhymes puzzled him frightfully. Tliey
wouldn't come. Let him drink what he might, or pull his shirt collar
down ever so low, he couldn't get them ; and hence, having gone through
a whole quire of paper without any, even the most remote prospect of
success, he gave the thing up in a fit of despair, and took to beauing
out Valentine's mother.
Nor was this at all amazing. He had no one else to go out
with ! and certain it is that no one else could have appreciated his
ALENTINE VOX. 529
politeness more hidily; for he had always been a most especial
fayourite of the widow : she had always esteemed him a well-behaved
good-hearted creature, and therefore did not at all disapprove of his
practice of taking her about : in point of fact she rather liked it than
not ! And so did Valentine ; and so did Louise ; for although Louise
loved the widow dearly, while Valentine possessed a strong feeling of
friendship for Llewellen, in the view of the lovers their presence was
not at all times ameable, and more particularly now that Valentine,
in order to raise &e spirits of Louise, walked out with her daily.
Now it happened that on the morning on which Writall had an
interview with Raven, Llewellen and the widow went to see the
industrious fleas, and they had no sooner started, than Louise and
Valentine left the house with the view of having their customary walk
in the Park. On their way, however, the attention of Louise was
attracted to the window of a linen draper's shop, in which was dis-
played a peculiar style of shawl which she admired very much.
*^ Dear me," she exclaimed, '* how exceedingly elegant ! I should
so like to look at it ! .Would you mind going in with me V
'^ Oh ! not at all," replied Valentine, and they accordingly entered,
and were instantly addressed in the most obsequious style by an
extraordinary individual, the business of whose valuable life seemed to
consist in walking up and down the shop, with great presence of mind,
placing chairs for those who entered, with infinite grace, and calling
*' Forward !*' in a highly authoritative tone, and with an expression
which obviously sigmfied something.
^ What can we have the pleasure ?" said this remarkable being, ad-
dressing Louise with a most winning smile.
Louise briefly explained, uid when the elegant creature had placed
her a chair with all the tranquil fascination at his command, he cried
*' Forward !** as if he had been addressing some dog that had had the
unfaappiness to introduce himself clandestinely among the silks.
In an instant an exquisitely dressed young man who had clearly
been used to this style of address, for he did not throw anything at the
head of the individual, nor did he indeed appear to think a very great
deal about it-^approached Louise with characteristic politeness, and
having ascertained what it was she wished to see, he produced it with
all imaginable alacrity, and displayed it to the best advantage pos-
sible.
While Louise was listening to the voice of the charmer, who spake
eloquently, blandly, and with much poetic feeling of the innumerable
beanties which peculiarly characterised this unparalleled article, Valen-
tine was watching the conduct of the individual who walked the shop
with some interest, for he had never before seen the tyrant and the
slave by any one man so conspicuously devdoped. To those who
entered he was the crin^g, smirking eel-backed creature ; but to all
over whom he presided, ne was the tyrannous scowling despotic bully :
lie would crawl and lick the dust from the feet of the former, and the
next moment frown down and trample upon the latter.
'' Allow me,'' said he, addressing a customer who was leaving,
3 Y
630 LIFB AMD ADTBNTimBB OF
allow me to have the happiness of sendine tbat small parcel ? I beg
that you will. I will do eo with infinite pkaauie !"
The customer declined, and was bowed out with the utmost
humility by the creature, who immediately walked up to him by whom
she had been attended, and demanded to know why he had not sold
her a dress.
'* The lady didn't want one," replied the young man, and Valentine
thought this a very good reason, substantial, conclusive, and perfectly
sound, but diametrically opposed to this view was the creature. " Not
want.one I" he cried, as if no reason could have been more dead and
rotten. ^^ Do I keep you to sell merely what people want ! Any fool,
any idiot, can do that ! I expect you to serve them with what they
don't want, sir ! that, sir, is what I keep you for !*' and he scowl^
with great ferocity at the delinquent, who never raised his eyes, but
having rolled up some material that was before him, walked alently
away.
'^ Why what kind of men can these be," thought .Valentine, ^* who
thus endure the degrading tjrranny of so pitiful a slave ? Have they
neither soul nor sense ? What can they be made of ? They seem to
have been decently educated : they talk very well, although tiiey dress
very absurdly, and have some of the most remarkable neada of hair
tonsorial art ever designed ; bt they cannot possess a particle of
manly spirit, they cannot have the independent feelings of honest
men, or they never could bear to be thus tyrannised over and treated
like convicts I"
** Why don't you show the six quarters, sir, do yon hear ?" cried the
creature, addressing one of his slaves, for he dearly conceived it to be
much to his own interest to degrade his young men in the eyes of those
whom they were serving.
^' It strikes me that I must have a word with you," thought Valen-
tine, who was really disgusted with the fellow's behaviour ; and he had
no sooner satisfied himsdf that the pursuit of such a course would not
be at all incorrect, than throwing his voice behind him some distance,
he said, ^' Who is that ridiculous person in the middle of the shop 7"
The person alluded to turned with great promptitude and frowned.
EidictUous person above all things in the world ! He didn't like it
In the spot from which the voice appeared to proceed there happened
not to be a soul, which pusoded lum a little, but he notwithstanding
walked up the shop with great dignity, and glanced at each customer
as he passed with suspicion.
'* Is that the proprietor V enquired Valentine of the young man who
was waiting upon Louise.
'^ Yes, sir, one of them : that is Mr. Todd/'
Valentine waited the return of Mr. Todd, whose nerves seemed
seriously unsettled, and when he did return, be occupied his mind with
the adjustment of his neckerchief and hair, during the progress of
his fingers through which latter ornament Valentine shouted *' Here,
Todd I'^
Mr. Todd looked contemptuously round. The idea of being ad-
~ f o;^-^^^
YALBNTINB VOX. 531
dressed as ^^ Todd '' struck him as being extremely vulgar. ^' Mr, Todd "
would have commanded his immediate attention, but it appeared to
be a settled principle with him that plain ^* Todd " should not.
" I say, Toddy, my boy ! how are you T* cried Valentine ; and Mr.
Todd looked round again with an aspect of intense magnanimity.
Whom could it possibly be ! There were but two gentlemen in the
shop ! Valentine, whom of course he could not suspect, seeing that
he was close to his side, and another, who was perched upon a stool at
the end. He therefore concluded that it must have been the gentleman
on the stool, and conceiving that he might be some person of impor-
tance, he approached him. But no : that gentleman took not the slightest
notice of his approach : nor did he appear to be a person at all ukely
to address any man with any imdue familiarity. Besides, his voice was
so strikingly different ! ^it could not have been him ; and as such was
the case, Mr. Todd at once conceived the horrid notion that it must
have been one of the young men.
^^ Who was that V* he demanded, with a withering glance, and the
young man addressed declared promptly, upon his honour, he didn't
know.
^^ Don't tell me you don't know," said Mr. Todd, *^ you must know !
it was one of you !"
Again the young man, with considerable earnestness, protested his
ignorance of the matter, but Mr. Todd would not believe him : he was
sure that he did know, and having announced that be the delinquent
whomsoever he might, he should ^^ start " on conviction, he returned to
his station near the door.
Valentine, assuming the voice of a female, now made a dead set at
one of the slaves. ^' How daie you !" he exclaimed, ^^ you insolent
fellow ! in tell Mr. Todd, sir, Fll tell Mr. Todd !" and the voice was
80 loud and so shrill, that every eye was directed at once towards the
spot from which it appeared to proceed.
Mr. Todd was there in an instant, and looked right and left with in-
defatigable zeal, and perspired at the idea of being able to make nothing
of it. He could perceive no lady in a rage ! They all appeared to be
perfectly tranquil. What could be the meaning of it! It was
quite clear to him that one of them had been insulted. Could she have
been pacified on his approach ? In his view nothing could be more
probable, and he therefore went round and enquired of them if any-
thing unpleasant had occurred, but as they all declared that nothing of
the kind had, he could not but deem it remarkably stnmge.
*^ Did yon not hear some lady complain of insolence ?" he enquired
of one of the slaves, who having nothing else to do, was endeavouring
to ascertain how long it was possible for a man to be smoothing a piece
of coloured muslin.
" Why," replied the individual who was engaged in this experiment,
'' it struck me that I did."
*' Just sive a look out then : there's something wrong somewhere."
'* Mr. Todd," said Valentine, in an assumed voice, of course.
^^ Well, sir !" cried Todd, with great sharpness.
532 LIFE AND ADTENTVRES OF
" Mr. Todd," repeated Valentine.
" Well I what do you want T
*^ Have the goodness to step here for one moment."
Mr. Todd marched to the point to which the voice had been thrown,
and said, '^ Now, sir ! what is it V to the first whom he approached,
but as this person intimated boldly that he had not called, Mr. Todd
very naturally wished to know who had.
" Mr. Todd ! Mr. Todd ! Mr. Todd !" cried Valentme, in three
distinct voices, and making them apparently proceed from three dif-
ferent points.
^' What is the meaning of this ?" cried Todd, on looking round, lor
he began to feel very indignant. '^ Who called me V
*^ Mr. Todd," repeated Valentine, in a very calm tone.
^' Come here, sir, if you want me ! come here, I desire !*
^' Valentine now introduced a very highly elective laugfa ; indeed,
80 effective was it, that he was joined by almost every person present,
to the utter annihilation of Mr. Todd's tranquillity of spirit.
^' What are you laughing at, sir ?" he demanded of the- slave who
stood near him.
^' Nothing, sir, nothing," was the prompt reply.
*' Do you always laugh at nothing ? I desire to know instantly
why you were laughing ?
^' I don't know, sir. I laughed because the rest laughed for no
other cause."
^^ If you cannot conduct yourself properly, nr, you had better make
out your account."
Here Valentine burst forth again, and was again joined with spirit.
The customers gave full swing to their mirth, having nothing whatever
to fear, but the people behind the counter laughed only at intervals :
when the awful eye of Todd was upon them, each seemed to have his
moutli quite full of a laugh, which was struggling to burst his lips
asunder.
In the midst of this general joy, Todd stood with a dignified firovm.
Why they were laughing he could not pretend to tell, but as every eye
seemed to be upon him, lie was suddenly struck with an idea that they
were actually laughing at him, and as in his judgment this could be possi-
ble only in the event of something being very wrong in his dress, he put
it plainly to Mr. Jubbins, his partner, whether such were the Bbct, and
although Mr. Jubbins declared solemnly that Ite could see nothing, so
firmly bad the idea taken possession of Todd*s soul that there must be
of necessity something incorrect, that he quitted the shop with tlie air
of a man quite resolved on having prompt satisfaction.
Mr. Jubbins now performed Todd's duty of looking as fascinating as
possible in the middle of the shop. He was a better looking fellow
altogether than Todd, and if possible more highly dressed, but his
manners were precisely the same.
' You seem to be merry here," said Valentine, as Jubbins approached
him.
" Yes, very, very, very !" replied Mr. Jubbins. " It's a mystery to
YALENTINE VOX. 583
nie : it passes my comprehension altogether. I oannot make it out.
It's excessively odd. By the bye, sir, we have just received fifty
thousand pounds worth of superb cambric handkerchiefs, the immense
superiority of which over the French is universally acknowledged, and
which we are now selling at a sacrifice truly alarming. Allow me to
have the pleasure of introducing them to your notice. Mr. Higginbot-
tom, where are thoee handkerchiefis V
Which, sir r
*^ Which? Have you lived all these years and ask me which?
Why the Pses Q's of course, sir ! ^Which should I mean V*
This seemed to be conclusive, for Mr. Hicginbottom inunediatelr
produced the P'ses Q's, which Jnbbins subniitted to YalentineVi
mspection.
'^ This, sir," said he, *^ is the most elegant lot imaginable, and dirt
cheap, sir ! two and eleven pence three farthings. '^
^^ They appear to be cheap," siud Valentine, '* but I am ignorant '
of the value of these things."
*^ The value, sir, is seven and nine. Had they been purchased in the
regular way, sir, I couldn't have sold one for less, but having picked
the whole from a bankrupt's stock, we are enabled to put them in
frightftilly low. The size, sir, is alarming for the price, while the
texture is magnificently delicate !-^ Allow me to say a dozen V
^^ I have plenty at present," said Valentine.
^* Were you to purchase them to put by, sir, they would pay you
good interest for your money."
** I have not a doubt of its being a splendid investment," said Va-
lentine, " but unhappily at present my capital is tied up."
Mr. Jubbins smiled sweetly, and eaid, ^' But, upon honour, I hold
this to be an opportunity which seldom presents itself: in point of fJEMst
I don't know that we are not running counter to our interest in
pushing them ; but let me say a dozen 7 Half a dozen ? I assure
you they are an article seldom to be met with. It is a sacrifice of
upwards of seventy per cent., which is very distressing."
^' So it i^ : so it is :" said Valentine. ^^ Did the person of whom
you bought them fiiil for much V*
^* About forty thousand pounds."
^' That is rather a huge sum for a man to fiul for, especially as he
had about fifty thousaua pounds worth of cambric handkerchie& in
stock. What do you suppose the value of the entirB stock to have
been when he failed ?"
^^ Why," replied Mr. Jubbins, who did feel a littU confused, for he
happened to remember that he had purchased the fifty thousand pounds
worth, ^^ I scarcely can tell. It is difficult to form a judgment, ve^
difficult, very."
*^ Of course he will be able to pay a very decent dividend ?"
^^ Yes, a very fair dividend, I should say, I've no doubt of it, very.
* Then you'll not allow me to tempt you with a dozen V*
w No, I think not to day."
^^ An3rthing in Irish linens or gloves of any kind ?"
534 LIFB AMD ADTBNTnitBB OF
^' Noy they never allow me to puichaae those things : they imagme
I am not to be trusted/'
Again Jubbins smiled ; but as he understood the state of the cue
precisely, he said nothing more about the matter.
^^ Well, now I have indeed tried your patience," said Louise.
*^ Dear me, what a quantity of things I have purchased ! There now,"
she added, addressing the clever creature by whom she had been tempted
to spend twenty pounds, although she had no idea of purchasing any-
thing but the shawl, ^' you must show me nothing more : you really
must not, indeed."
^' Has the lady seen those satins, sir V enquired Mr. Jubbins^ with a
scowl.
^^ I cannot look at any thing else,'' said Louise ; ^^ no ! let me have
my bill as soon as possible, or you can send it with the parcel, any time
after four."
Louise then presented her card ; and after observing to Yalentiiie,
that she was sure that he had lost all patience, they were bowed out of
the shop most gracefully by Mr. Jubbms, who, notwithstanding all the
young man had done, was exceedingly angry with him, because he had
not introduced '' those satins."
^' What singular creatures they are !" observed Valentine, on leaving
the shop.
^' They are, indeed," returned Louise ; ^^ and their politeness is so
excessive, that you positively feel yourself in a measure bound to pur-
chase the things they introduce to you, whether you really want them
or not."
" But while admiring their politeness, did you notice the brutal con-
duct of those tyrannous, slave-driving dogs, their employers ?"
'* Oh yes ! that is generally conspicuous. But what I object to
most is, their interference with him who is serving me. That is very
annoying, and whenever it occurs, I have done : no matter how many
articles I may want, I take those which I have purchased, but will
have nothing more."
They now proceeded to the park, and had a most delightful walk ;
and while sitting beneath their fevourite tree, Llewellen and the widow
unexpectedly approached them.
'^ Hur knew we shoot fint them,'' cried Llewellen ; *' titn't hur tell
you they were sure to pe here? Oh, Louey ! such peautiful fleas!
Trest, ant armt, ant mountet on horse-pack like Oliristians. Oh ! too oo
ant see 'em apove all things in the worlt !"
^' What sort of horses are they ?" enquired Valentine. ^* Fine cattle,
Fredr
*^ Horses ? Fleas 1 every horse is a fie% look yon, pritled ant
sattled ant all !"
^^ We must go and see these warriors on flea-back !" said Valentine
to Louise.
"Do,
creatures
3.
by all means, my love," said the widow ; ^^ they are wonderfnl
I f Buch active, intelligent little dears. Fm quite in love with
VALENTINE TOX. 535
them reallj ! Do go there this evening : I should so like to see them
again."
''This evening!" said Uewellen, looking archly at the widow;
'' have 70U forgotten your engagement this evening ?"
" The promenade concerts ! ' cried the widow ; " dear me, how very
stupid ! Oh ! is not that kind of Mr. liewellen ? He is going to tako
me to the promenade concerts !"
'' Upon my life ! Master Fred," observed Valentine, ** if you con-
tinue to go on in this way winning the heart of my mother, I shall feel
myself bound to demand an explanation of your intentions V
The widow blushed, and patted Valentine playfully on the cheek, and
Liewellen informed him that all had been settled, and that he was there-
fore quite ready to explain, which was very agreeable and highly
enjoyed.
'' At all events," said Valentine, addressing Louise, '' it will be our
duty to accompany them to the concert this evening."
''' Too CO, py all means!" said Liewellen, and as this invitation was
backed by the widow strongly, it was decided that they should all go
toffether.
While they were thus happily engaged. Uncle John was endeavouring
to prevail upon Whitely to allow the assumed impossibility of Raven
giving the required information about the children, to form no barrier
to an immediate settlement. He had abeady succeeded in convincing
him that Raven had had nothing to do with his property ; but he
found it extremely difficult to induce him to believe diat he knew no-
thingwhatever of his children.
''The only thing," urged Whitely, ^' which tends to justify such a
bdief is the assumed act, that she became so abandoned as to leave
even him for another : but even in that case it seems scarcely probable
that being lost, as she must have been, to every sense of decency, as
well as to every proper feeling, that she would have taken the children
with bar."
" Why, I don't know that," said Uncle John. " It is very clear to
me that her affection for those children was very strong : my firm im-
pression is, that had it not been, she would not have clung to them so
tenaciously when she left you ; and as it is but natural to suppose that,
as they grew older and more engaging, the strength of that afiection
increasec^ I am inclined to believe it to be extremely probable that she
did take them with her ; for clearly if her affection for them did thus
increase, she would have been less disposed to part with them then than
before."
" Very true ; very true : but this is merely assumption."
*' I grant it : but it is a very natural assumption. Besides, what
motive could he possibly have in withholding this information, if he
really possessed the power to give it ? Upon my life ! I cannot conceive
what motive he could have. He can scarcely be supposed to have
cared much about them, and if he had provided for them, he would
surely be proud to let you know it, in erder that you might not deem
him quite so depraved as you do. But even assuming that he could
586 LIFE AMD ADyBNTURES OF
five you such infoimation as might lead to their leooveiy, hia lefiinl to
80, ought not to prevent an immediate arrangement, at least in so u
AS pecuniary matters are concerned ; but feeling as I do, quite con-
vinced that he is utterly unable to do so, I cannot see why you should
hesitate for a moment."
^^ Well, my friend, if I give him an undertaking to annoy him, as he
terms it, no more, it must be with this proviso, that if I should at any
time discover that he absolutely does know where they are to be
found, I am not to be precluded from demanding of him such infor-
mation as may be essential to their being restored."
" Most decidedly. You vnll still have the right to do so. I look at
the spirit of this arrangement. You agree to it on the assumption that he
does not know where the children are : should you at any time dis-
cover that he doeiy your right, with reference to them will, of course,
stand the same as if no such arrangement had been made."
^* Very well. Let this be, on all hands, distinctly understood, and
I am ready to sign the undertaking."
Uncle John now opened his dedt, and they began to draw out an
agreement, but how to introduce the proviso, without leading Raven to
suppose that they believed him to have told a direct fiilsehood, was a
task which pu^ed them exceedingly. In the first place they drew np
A "sketch" which of itself would have done very well and then
their labour commenced ; but they stuck to it zealously, amending and
erasing, until their interlineations stood perfectly unincumbered by a
single word of the original, when, on beins summoned to dinner, they
left it thus, to be tackled again when they had done.
' Wliitely was by no means scrupulous about the matter : he was an
advocate for its beinff done as plainly as possible ; but Uncle John,
judging from the sensitive character of his own feelings, contended for
the correctness of its being done with so much delicacy, that while it
had the force of a law, not a word should be introduced at aU calcu-
lated to inflict the slightest wound upon the feelings of him whom it
bound.
On this, as on all other occasions, Whitely wished to meet the views
of Unde John, and immediately after dinner they again set to work,
and did eventually succeed in accomplishing their taek in evoy point
to their entire satisEu;tion. Two fair copies were then drawn up, and
when both had been signed by Whitely, Undo John left in order to
obtain the signature of itayen.
The party which had been formed in the morning for the'concert,
prepared to start soon after dinner, and Uncle John happened to arrive
m great spirits at the moment they were about to leave the house;
" Any news ?" enquired Yalentine.
" Yes, my boy ; good news : come here," said Uncle John, taking
bis arm and leading him into the parlour.
" Please let me come too ?" said Louise.
" May she come, Yal ? Well ! yes you may. But I mean to set
a price upon the information I have to impart. I intend to have a kiss
for it."
VALENTINE VOX. 537
^* Oh I that you shaU. I will pay you with pleaBure ! What is
it?*^ ^
'' AU's settled !" ezckimed Uncle Johilf '' All's settled."
^ Bless yoa !" cried Louise. *^ jfou deserve two for that. But are
you sure? quite r
** I have the agreement now in my pockety with Whitely's signature
attached."
*^ Well this is indeed great news. Oh ! I feel 90 delighted !"
^* Of course," said Valentine, *' Mr. Raven knows nothing of it
yet.-
^^ He expects it, and I have come as soon as possible to put an end to
his suspense. But where are you all going V*
**' To the promenade concert."
*^ Very well, let your minds be at ease. Now, be happy both of you :
there, run away. I must be detained no longer."
Valentine and Louise shook him warmly by the hand, and having
kissed each other fervently, they rejoined the widow and LleweUen, and
proceeded to the theatre in which the concerts were held.
As they entered one of tlie boxes the first piece was beinc; performed,
and the action of the conductor was so extremely strikmg, that he
rivetted their attention at once. He was a small man and singularly
thin : his cheeks were hollow, but his eyes were full, and while at
certain forte passages they appeared to be anxious to start from tlieir
sockets, he closed them at each piano phrase, with the view of con-
ve3dng to the performers an idea of how mild were the moon beams
contrasted with thunder. The performers, however, seemed not to take
the slightest notice of his eloquent gestures, for they worked away like
blacksmiths, with their eyes fixed firmly upon the music, with the
single exception*of the individual ,who did the drums ; and even he,
having thirty or forty bars' rest, seemed to be counting his one two
three four, tfo two three four, three two three four, up, with extr^ne
depth of thouj^t.
Having sufficiently admired the poetic action of the conductor
who, had the whole of the instruments been mute, could have rendered
the thing, by virtue of his pantomine, effective, so distinctly smd so
delicately was each phrase expressed the happy party left their box
for the promenade.
The place was crowded, but to the majority the music was but a
secondary consideration, which indeed is invariably the case in England,
and speculators generaUy would do well to understand that patronage
here is extended, not in proportion to the excellence of an entertainment,
but precisely in proportion to the facilities which it affords for the dis-
play of weidik, fashion, and beauty.
On this occasion the display of these three attractive articles was in
a measure magnificent, but if any one could be said to surpass the
others, it was fashion. The dresses both of the Lidies and of the gen-
tlemen had been made in conformity with the most extraordinary con-
ceptions, while the hair was so arranged ^if an arrangement, as &r as
3z
538 LIFE AMD ADVENTURES OF
the gentlemen were concerned, it could be called that it coTered the
ears as completely as if, at that particular period of British history, it
had been no uncommon thiftg for those useful and ornamental organs
to be nailed, for political offences, to .posts.
As the space behind the orchestra was the only spot which could be
promenaded with comfort, thither Valentine and Louise repaired, and
walked for some time in silence, but with feelings of pleasure, listening
attentively to the various pieces which were admirably performed, and
which seemed to inspire general delight;
" Valentine," said Lomse, at lengUi, " why are you so silent V
*' I apprehend it is because I am so happy !"
" Are you happy ? Well so am I : very, very happy : I could cry
I am so happy. And I shall cry, I am sure of it, unless you make me
laugh. Now do, there's a dear, put some poor unfortunate person in a
fever. You will, to please me ; will you not ?**
" Oh ! I had better astonish the whole house at once !"
^^ But you must not startle me ! You know that is a thing which
is perfectly understood."
'* Of course ! I am sure you wUl be an excellenA wife, Louise : you
are so fond of looking at home ! But listen."
At this moment the band was plajring a set of quadrilles, in which
an echo was introduced by dint of estaUishing an individual in the one
shilling gallery to do the refrain out of sight. This had a good effect,
and on its being repeated, Valentine sent an echo into the slips, and
then one into the upper boxes, and then one into the dress circle near
the proscenium, and then another, most dexterously, into the chande-
lier ! This of course produced several rounds of applause, and the
demand for an encore was universal ; but the conductor stood struck
with amazement : he could not even guess what it could mean, and his
first impulse was to send round to the various parts of the house from
which the sounds had apparently proceeded, with the view of setting
his Dmsc against every echo save the one which he himself had established.
On turning the matter again over in his mind, however, he could not as
the thing was efiective and had brought down thunders of applause
see why it should not be repeated. He therefore gave the usual signal,
and the band recommenced, and when he came to the echo, he Ibtened
with a peculiar expression for the invisible auxiliaries ; but what was
his dismay when Valentine, instead of following the established ortho-
dox echo, introduced, in various parts of the house, snatches of popular
tunes, and thus produced fits of laughter ! '* Ha !" said he gutturally,
grinning like a griffin in great anguish, and holding his ears as if a
couple of wasps had introduced themselves clandestinely therein
^^ Perdu !*' whereupon the whole house was in a roar.
'^ Bravo ! bravo!" shouted the audience. ^'Encore! encore!
I"
encore
^' Not if I know it," the conductor seemed to say confidentially to
himself, for he looked very droU, and almost buried his head between
hb shoulders ; but although his indisposition to repeat the thing was
ViLLBNTINE VOX. 539
manifest ; although it was evident generally that he wished to intimate
that he had had no hand in the matter, the enlightened audience still
continued to demand an encore, which, to his own private feelings, was
very afflicting. He sent an emissary up to the slips, and another into
the upper tier of boxes; and while he planted sundry confidential
fiddlers as spies upon the dress circle, he himself strained his eyes with
the bright and lovely hope of discovering one of ihe individuals among
the multitude of promenaders. In this he was, however, unsuccessful ;
and as the audience still remorselessly demanded an encore, he did, in
his extremity, shake his head with much significance, and having givoi
the signal, the band made a dash at the next piece.
This silenced the majority at once, and they would with due
patience have waited for a repetition of the novel echo, had not the
minority, who, having somewhat more refined and experienced ears, on
perceiving that this was not the same piece, shouted ^' No, no !
Encore ! encore ! No, no, no, no !" which had the effect of inducing
the whole house to join them.
The band notwithstanding kept on. The conductor was firm. He
would have no more Ki libitum echoes: he had already had quite
enough of tAem^ and hence resolved within his own mind that, come
vvhat might, he would go through the piece then in band as completely
as if nothing whatever had happened.
The audience, fortunately for him, were in an excellent humour: they
had enjoyed the echoes much, and that they did wish to have them
again is a fact which ought not to be disputed, but when tliey saw the
distress of the conductor, who was an accomplished, and withal a very
amiable man, they pitied him as an individiud, and soon became calm.
*' Dear me !" said Louise, when the storm had subsided, ^^ how very,
very cleverly that was done, to be sure ! Poor man ! what odd faces
lie made !"
" They were rather droll," said Valentino. " I wonder what he
thinks of it. I should like to know his strictly secret feelings upon
the point."
The band ceased : the first part was concluded, and shortly after, a
small thin man, in an old hat, came close to the spot with several per-
sons whom he knew. He seemed powerfully excited, and looked very
fierce, and said in answer to a question which touched upon the echo,
^^ Sare, I sail give you five pounce with great plaisir forj^to diKOvaie
sem tarn pepel.
^^ They ought," said one of his friends, ''* to have their instruments
taken from them and broken about their heads."
^^ Instnimence ! say vas' ton^ wisout instrumenoe ! Say teed him
wis sare mouse, and pe tam !"
This caused Louise to laugh so immoderately, that Valentine was
compelled to remove her from the spot, and when the conductor had
given sufficient vent to those feelings of indignation which were plainly
effervescing within him, he gave one desperate shrug, which seemed
perfectly conclosive, and then left the enquiring group to cool himself
with an iee.
540 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OP
^' My poy," said Llewellen, on coming up with the widow, after a
very long absence, *^ Tect jou hear that wonterful echo T
^' The whole house heard it, I apprehend," replied Valentine.
^' There is a numerous family of the Echoes it appears. They are
all relatives, you will remember, of your invisible wife."
*^ His invisible wife !" cried the widow ; ^' has Mr. Llewellen an in-
visible wife ?"
^ Yes, the mother of the whole family. She became enamoured of
him in the garden, and would have him.^
The widow, who now saw it all, exclaimed, ^' Gracious, my dear,
and was that really you V*
Louise instantlj^placed her finger upon her lips to enjoin silenoe; bat
Llewellen, who was struck with the smgularity of the question, had a
very strong desire to know what it meant.
^^ There is some creat secret apout this, some extraortinary secret
Too tell me phot it is ? Pless your soul, too ? Inteet hur shoot
like to pe tolt, cootness knows it T
*^ What secret do you allude to T enquired the widow.
" Hur ton't know inteet then ; putt "
^' This is not a place for tellix^ secrets,'' said Valentine. ^ Come,
come, let us go in and have some refresliment.''
^' Apove ^ thm2s in the worlt !" cried Llewellen. '^ Ob ! that is
the pusiness. Phot have they cot T
^* We shall see by the carte,'' said Valentine.
" Well, my poy, you order all : hur'm font, you know, of any thing
in the worlt."
^^ Order ices," whispered Louise, '^ and let us see how Fred will
like them. We have had none at home since he came up, and I don't
think they ever gave him any in Wales."
Ices were accordingly ordered*: and when Llewellen took hi% he
looked at it for sohie time studiously.
^' It's a mighty little trifle," said he, at length. *' Cootness knows
it." And having taken the whole of it up with the spoon, he put it
bodily into his mouth. It was, however, no sooner in than out. He
shuddered, and dropped it without a second thought.
^^ Is it too hot for you ?" said Valentine, gravely, although Louise
and the widow were convulsed.
" Hot !" cried Llewellen. '^ It makes me shiver to think of it !
Cruel cold I My whole potty's freezing, look you ! Ant my teeth !
Oh!"
^' Did you never have an ice before T
^' No, never, cootness knows : ant hur never wish to have one
agun.
" Well, what will you have V
^^ Any thing in the whole worlt putt that."
Wdl, as I have been so unfortunate, I must leave you now to
order for yourself. There is the yarpon."
^' Phoi9 his name?" enquired Llewellen.
( Upon my word I don't know. You had beetter call ^ Waiter."
VALENTIMB TOX. 541
Uewcnen did so ; and a foreign individual, whose mind seemed to be
intently fixed upon something, approached him.
^^ Waiter/' said liewellen, in a confidential tone ; ^* have you cot
any peer?"
The foreign individual dropped his head upon his right shoulder, and
shrugged up his left, but said nothing.
^^ ^ot coot r said Llewellen, who misunderstood altogether what the
action of the Frenchman was designed to convey. " Is it not coot in
pottles V
The Frenchman employed the same gesture as before, with this addi-
tion : he extended his chin, which was naturally a long one, and looked
most intensely mysterious.
^' This is a very honest fellow," thought Llewellen. ^^ It isn't often
one meets with a man who will refuse to sell an article which is not
quite the thing to a stranger. Well," said he, *^ never mint. You're
a coot fellow to tell me, for hur hate pat peer apove all things in the
worlt; putt let me have some pranty-and- water, look you; warm."
The Frenchman again gave a national shruff.
*^ Phot !** said Llewellen, ^^ is that pat tool Cootness knows it 1"
*^ Ve sal vas, monsieur," 'said the waiter, who prided himself es*
pecially upon the purity of his English. '^ Ye sal nevere is eau de vie
non monsieur."
^' Phot to you say?" enquired Llewellen, as Valentine, Louise and
the widow were laughing convulsively. '^ Come, let's have it at
once."
^^ Mais I sal vos non oomprendre a tall vous."
^^ Yes," said Llewellen, '^ hur*ll pe pount it's all right, olt poy, so
you'd peitter run away, now, ant fetch it." And as he waved his hand
precisely as if he wished him to be off, the puzzled Frenchman took the
hint at once, and started.
** Wdl," said Llewellen, addressmg Valentine ; ^^ I shall pe all right
at last."
" What have you ordered ?"
^* Some peau^ul pranty-aat-water, look you ! ant cootness knows
it!"
^^ Hell bring you no brandy- and- water."
'^ Inteet then hu/11 wrine Us plesset neck, if he ton't."
^^ If he brings you any thing, hell bring you an ice."
*^ An ice ! Oh ! it freesses my plut !"
*^ If he don't bring you that, hell bring nothing."
" Phy,;hur ortert it, look you I"
*' And he told you, as plainly as he could, that they hadn't got it ;
and you sent him away."
'' Oh, huiOl see apout that," said Uewellen. '' Here, waiter !"
** Garden !" cried Valentine, throwing his voice a short distance
from him.
** Oui, monsieur."
^^ Gargon ! Gar^on ! Garden l" cried Valentine, at appropriate
intervals^ and in three distinct tones.
54^ LIFB AND ADTBNTUBES OF
*^Oui, raonsiear, oui !" cried the Frenchman^ who seemed in aome
measure perplexed.
^^ If hur ton t make an effort, my poy," said liewellen, ^^ hnr shall
not, hur see, pe aple to get any thing, look you ! Phot am hur to
brter ?"
** Why, as you want something warm, ask him why he has not
brought the ^laee. Tell him you want a plaee^ distinctly, and then
he'll understand you/'
" There's a coot fellow," said Llewellen. " Now ! waiter T
*' Qui, monsieur?"
'^ Come, come, you have not brought my glass ! ^There, noTcr mbd
making those faces : hur prefer pranty-ant- water ; put pring me a
gla^s of any thing, no matter what, if it's putt a coot glai9*'
The Frenchman bowed, and looked 'as if he saw his way now pretty
clearly, which rather delighted Llewellen, who, when he had left, sud :
'* Wdl, hur have mate him unterstant me at last !*'
'' I'm dad of it," said Valentine. *' But if he'should make a mis-
take, you nad better teU him what you mean in Welsh."
The Frenchman now returned with a strawberry ice, which he pre-
sented with characteristic grace to Llewellen. Llewellen looked at it !
he knew what it was m a moment ! ^ and then he looked at the
Frenchman. His blood was a little up : he felt indeed very angiy, and
proceeded to explain, with due severity of aspect, the precise stote of
his feelings in Welsh to the Frenchman, who was p^ectly amazed,
and on perceiving that Llewellen was very indignant, he let loose in
French, and thus made a duet of it, which was interesting, because
highly calculated to bring about a good understanding between them.
Valentine, however, when he fancied that the thing had gone quite
far enough for Llewellen was turning very red, while the Frenchman
was grinning and gnashing his teeth fiercely shouted ^^ Garden !
gar9on ! gargon I'' when the Frenchman, hearing himself thus impe-
ratively caued, screwed up his lips, and with a ferocious look of scorn,
left the spot much excited.
*^ Tit you ever in all your bom tays," said lieweUen, ^^hear anypotty
chatter like that little wretch ?"
'^ I was afraid you would come to blows,'' said Valentine.
" Plows ! hur coot eat him, cootness knows it."
^' You are always getting into some scrape," said Louise.
*^ Well, Louey, it wasn't my fault. Phen a fellow prings an ice for
warm pranty-and-water, it's enough to make a man's plut poil I"
^' It's too bad," said the widow, who sympathised with Llewellen;
^^ It is indeed," and she looked at the carte, and then consulted a
female attendant, and in a short time some wmch d la Bomame was
produced, which she presented to Llewellen, wno, having tasted it, was
m^extacies, and called her an angel.
^' Now," said Valentine, when Llewellen had finished his punch,
which he indeed highly relished, '* a little more music, and then we'll
return."
Llewellen, who was blessed with a most happy dispositioa, had now
TALENTINE VOX. 59B
foigott^n all his troubles, and on their return to the body of the
theatre, he chatted and laughed in the merriest mood, and enjoyed the
scene perhaps much more than any other person present. The pleasure
which Louise felt was probably of itself not less pure, but its brightness
was occasionally dimmed by thought, which was pe^ectly absent from
the mind of Llewellen. Could she hope to be always as happy?
Should she always experience in Valentine's society the same degree of
pleasure ? Would he always be the same kind, good, dear creature
always as anxious to inspire her with delight ? These were questions
which would suggest themselves constantly ; for although she had no
reason to suppose that he would ever change ; although me tried on all
occasions to repudiate the notion ; she was still apprehensive, because,
and solely because, she neither knew nor could conceive more perfect
pleasure than that which she invariably experienced when with him.
Her fears on this subject, however, were vain. Valentine was always
himself. He never thought of assuming another character : he never
desired to make himself appear to be that which he really was not.
This, of course, it was impossible for her to know ; and as she thought
on the subject most, when she felt most happy, she, on this occasion,
while clinging fondly to him, gazed occasionally upon him with an
aspect of sadness.
" My poor girl," said h^ " are you fatigued V
" Oh, no ; not at alL"
** You look so sad !"
'^ I am so happy,'' said Louise, and as she spoke, a tear glistened in
her eye.
They now went in search of Llewellen and the widow, who were
perfectly certain to go astray the very moment the attention of
Valentine happened to be directed to some other quarter, and having
eventually discovered them engaged in a close examination of certain
plants which were placed round a fountain, Valentine gave them the
word of command, and they followed him and Louise out with all due
obedience.
They then entered a coach, and at once proceeded home,"and it may
be said, that no party was ever more happy. They were on the highest
possible terms with themselves and each other, and it is not quite cer-
tain that both Louise and the widow did not, on their way home, shed
tears of joy.
The very moment they arrived at the house, Louise, as usual,
enquired for her father, and on being informed that he was still where
she had left him, and that it was supposed that he was asleep, as
they had heard nothing of him for more than two hours, she ran up at
once to his room, and as on reaching the door she heard Joseph, the
porter say, in a loud and threatning voice, " I'll not go for a shilling
less : and if you don't give me that, I'll blow up the whole afiair !"
she, without the slightest ceremony, entered the room, and was struck
with amazement on finding him seated at the table with her father.
*^ Hmh I" whispered ^ven, the moment she appeared.
'' How dare you, sir, thus address your master !" cried Louise.
.e
544 LIFE AND ADTSNTURES OF
^^ Mind yonr own bnnnesBy Hiss !*' said the fellow ; '^ Master 11 ndnd
hisn, and Til mind mine."
^' You insolent man ! how dare 70a apeak to me ? Leave the loom,
sir, I desire \"
The fellow did leave the room ; bat with a sneer, whidi, io Baveo,
was one of great significance.
^^ Why, papa, why do you allow yonrself to be thus insulted by one
of your own servants ?" cried Louise.
^^ My dear child 1" said Raven, ^^ do not distress yonrseif. I shall
soon, very, very soon get rid of him now !''
** But how dare he presume even to sit in your presence 1 Father!
have you anything to fear from that man V*
'' Anything to fear from him, my child V*
*' If not, vrny keep him in the house ? If he knew of that, which
is now no k)nger a secret, and kept it fiutfafully, reward him ; but do
not allow him to remain."
** My child, have I not said that I am about to set rid of him ! Bat
why do you imagine that he knew of that secret ?
*^ Because he was continually boasting of the power be had over
you : nay, he boasts that you are in his power now !"
^^ Indeed ! to whom does he make that boast V*
" To the servants. He is constantly telling them that he could
command the best place in the house ; that he could force you to do
an3rthing for him he pleased, and that^ to use his own expression, he has
you under his thumb."
Raven pressed his lips and breathed very hard, and having drawn
Louise closely to him, kissed her with much warmth.
^^ Dear papa," she continued, ^^ tdl me, pray teU me, what mystery
is this V
'* Mystery ? What mytteryy my child T
^' I fear that there is more than has yet transpired, and if so, do
dtaolose it ; but if there be not, I do beg of you, ftther, to discharge
that man, for there is in him something which, while I look at him, 1
feel that I have reason to fear."
'* Fear nothing, my child. You are correct in supposing that he
knew my secret ; he did know it ; he knew it from the first ; had it
not been so, I never should have kept about the house so pernicious a
scoundrel. But you have nothing to fear from him now."
^* Have you, papa? You will not object to answer me the qaestiou.
Is there no other secret ? Has all been explained ? Has that man the
power to make knovm any circumstance you are anxious to keep un-
known?"
^^ My good child," said Raven, ^^ you shall know all anon. He
shall quit the house to-morrow. Go, my ^1: go, there leave me.
But, Louise, not a word of this to Valentine ! You will promise me
that?"
Louise did so and kissed him ; but she left with a heavy heart, and
a mind teeming with fredi apprehensions.
VALENTINE VOX. 54^5
CHAPTER LXIII.
GOODMAN QUITS THE SCENE FOR EVER.
Unconscious of all that had occurred between Louise and her father
during tlieir interview, Valentine in due time left for the night. lie
did indeed perceive, on her retuni to him, that she was agitated; nay,
he perceived that she had been in tears ; but as she frequently wept for
joy, and as, since her father s secret had been proclaimed, her smile had
always been seen through a soft veil of sadness, her appearance failed
to make a deep impression; and, therefore, after having playfully
delivered a lecture on the pliysical operation of tears upon beauty, he
gave his sweet pupil the preliminary kiss, wlien as usual, at lingering
intervals, they twenty times reiterated, as if they had really become
enamoured of the words " Good night !"
As in the early part of the evening Uncle John had explained to him
that Whitely had consented to a private arrangement, Valentine
liastened home,, being anxious to ascertain if that which formed the
only bar to his immediate union with Louise had been entirely
removed.
A mournful scene, however, awaited his arrival : poor Goodmap was
dying. .
He had been tempted by that fallacious strength which declining
nature, struggling to the last, seldom indeed fails to summon on the
near approach of death, to make an effort to walk across the chamber ;
but no sooner had that effort, been made than he sank npon the floor in
a state of absolute exhaustion. This occurred about an hour before
Valentine arrived ; and as, immediately on his arrival, he was informed
of the fact, he proceeded at once to his good old friend's room, in
which, besides the attendants, were Uncle Joljin and the physician.
As he entered Goodman smiled : his appearance seemed to che^r
him. He took his hand, and pressed it feebly, but with earnestness,
and kissed it.
There is before the eyes of men on the brink of dissolution a glassy
film, which Death imparts that they may have a brief prospect of
eternity, when some behold the angels of light, wliile others have the
demons of darkness before them. This film then glazed the eyes of
Goodman ; but his spirit was calm, and his look serene : resignation
was seated on his brow : Death had no terrors for him.
Having gazed for a few. moments at Valentine vrith an expression of
pleasure, a slight cloud seemed suddenly to pass over liis countenance,
and he looked round the chamber, and then gently drew Valentine
nearer, when whispering in his ear, he said, " My brother : I should
like to see my brother : do you not think that he would come to me
now r
*' He would be but too happy," said Valentine. '^ I will go to him
instantly."
4 A
5^6 LIPB AND ADVENTURES OF
^' Do, mj dear boy : Heaven bless you ! Tell him I am anxious to
say farewell ; but haste, for I feel that my hour is come."
Valentine again pressed his hand, and left the room, and thi
proceeded without delay to Walters residence, in the full conviction
that fraternal affection would overcome shame, and that the summona
would be instantly obeyed. He reached the house : no light was to be
seen. It was late, certainly, but earlier than Walter was wont to
retire. He knocked ; no answer was returned : ho knocked again and
again ; still no one appeared. At length, however, after knocking and
ringing with sufficient violence to have aroused the seven sleepers, he
heard one of the upper windows open, and on looking up, saw the head
of a female, who half screamed, " Who^s there ?**
" I must see Mr. GKodman immediately," cried Valentine. " Open
the door."
" Go away, tipsy man !" cried the female ; *' there's no one of that
name lives here."
'^ My good woman," said Valentine, having satisfied himself that he
had not mistaken the house, " He did live here : can you tell me where
he is to be found ?"
**' I know nothing about him. I'm only in the house to take care of
it. The family that left last week are gone a long way in the country;
I don't know where but they're gone."
The female then disappeared and closed the window, when Valentine
went to the public-house opposite ^to which he knew that Horace had
been in the habit of going and there learned that Walter and his
family, after having sold everything off, had indeed left town ; but how
they went, or where they were gone, he could not ascertain.
He therefore immediately retraced his steps, and being anxious of
course to keep everything from Goodman at all calculated to give him
the slightest uneasiness, he made up his mind on the way to conceal
from him all but the naked fact of Walter being absent.
As he cautiously returned to the chamber, the eyes of Goodman were
closed as if in death ; but they were re-opened the very moment he en-
tered, and turned enquiringly towards him as he drew near the bed.
^* He will come ?" said Goodman, feebly, for he was sinking very fast
" He will come ?"
" He would," returned Valentine, " I am sure that he would with
pleasure ; but unhappily he is at present out of town."
" Well, well. The meeting might have been painful to him yes,
it might have given him pain. You will not fail to let him know that
all all has been forgiven ? I should have been pleased much pleased
but for his peace for his peace it is perhaps ^as well."
Valentine now sat beside him, with one hand in his ; and while tbe
physician, who expected his death every moment, was watching his
countenance with the utmost anxiety, Uncle John was in an easy chair
blinded v\dth tears, though his sorrow was silent. Goodman was his
oldest friend : he had been his companion in infancy ; and w^hile bis
name was associated with his earliest recollections, their friendship in
manhood had been cemented by the knowledge of each other's integrity
VALENTINE VOX. S^*?
and goodness of heart. lie was therefore much affected, and wept bit-
terly, albeit still in silence.
Philosophy at such a time as this has no effect ; nor can religion
and philosophy conjoined check, when over the bed of death, the tears
which gush from the reservoir of Nature. We must weep. But why ?
The dymg do not weep ! they may be calm, serene, free from pain,
tappy most happy in the enjoyment of the prospect of celestial bliss
-still we weep ! Is it to lose them ? They lose us ! But in their
view then they lose us but for a time, while in ours we lose them for
ever. We therefore weep : we weep to be left in the world Mdthout
them, while the fountain of their tears is dried up with the sweet hope
of meeting us " where the wicked cease from troubling, and the vresuj
are at rest," in the realms of peace, to part no more.
'^^ Hush ! hush l" exclaimed the dying man, in a thrilling, startling
whisper, after having gazed on vacancy for some time in silence
" Hark ! do you not hear ?"
The physician raised his hand to enjoin silence.
" Hark I ^hark !" he continued, with an expression of rapture, rais-
ing his feeble hands and straining his eyes upwards.
A sigh escaped a heavy lingering sigh : it was his last ^he breathed
no more ! His eyes were still fixed, but his spirit had fled !
Thus died the benevolent, amiable Goodman, the victim of a mon-
strous, a barbarous system, which has long been a foul and pernicious
blot upon civilization, and of which the existence in full force still, re-
flects the deepest disgrace upon us as Christians and as men.
CHAPTER LXIV.
HORACE ANNOUNCES THE FACT TO WALTCB.
Nearly a fortnight elapsed after the mournful occurrence detailed in
the preceding chapter, before Valentine was relieved in any sensible
degree of the sadness that scene had induced. His knowledge of poor
Ooodman had been in reality but slight the seizure having been
effected so soon after his arrival but his death still had made a deep
impression upon his mind, for he had seen sufficient of him to feel weU
convinced that no man ever did or could possess a more purely benevo-
lent heart.
Louise, too albeit, under the then existing circumstances, it was but
natural for her to partake of any feeling wnich gave him pain was
affected more deeply than might have been anticipated, considering that
Goodman was a man whom she had never even seen. She, however,
knew his history: she knew of his cruel incarceration, and of the brutal
means by which his death had been induced, and that knowledge was
548 LIFE AVD ADVENTURES OP
accompanied by the ever constant thought that the self-same means
had been employed by her fiither. She therefore felt it very acutely,
as indeed they did all ; for while Uncle John mourned the loss of his
friend as if, indeed, he had been a brother, Whitely became still more
inveterate against Raven, and Raven himself appeared to have lost bis
own esteem.
There was, however, one wiio felt it more deeply still : and that was
Walter !
Horace had been left by him in town to watch the progress of events,
and to report from time to time; and as he was in constant communication
with the servant by whom Goodman was attended, and whom he bad
promised to marry ^' when the old man was dead," he of course was in-
formed of that event as soon as possible, and no sooner did he hear of
his death than he called to enquire particularly after his health.
Of course, on receiving the only answer he could receive on that occa-
sion, he was perfectly struck with amazement ! He had made up bis
mind to be suddenly struck : it was part of the plan he had deliberately
laid down, and after having, in his own peculiar style, expressed bis
concern to the widow Smugman, whose grief was excessive, he thanked
her for feeling so much for his uncle, and begged of her to prevul upon
Valentine to see him, that he might know if there was anything in tbe
world that he could ^o.
The affected widow who began to look upon Horace as an
individual who had been scandalously libelled of course consented,
and proceeded to tlie drawing-room, in which Valentine was sitting
with Uncle John, with the view of inducing him by her eloquence to see
him whom she termed ^^ tlie poor afflicted young gentleman."
Valentine, however, needed no such inducement : the very moment
he heard that Horace was below he came down, and was by no means
displeased to perceive that he was not dead to every propel feeling, for
he had made up his face for the occasion, while the tones in whidi he
spoke resembled those which are subdued by real grief.
The interview was but short. Valentine explained to him all that
had occurred, but dwelt emphatically upon Goodman's earnest wish to
see his brother before he died ; and when Horace had ingeniously got at
the fact that the will had not been altered which, indeed, was the
only thing he cared to know ^he promised to communicate immediately
with his father, and with that view at once took his leave.
The country is beyond doubt the most unpleasant place to which a
man with a stinging conscience can retire. Sucli a man must keep
in town if he expects even partially to drown his thoughts: the country
cannot calm kis troubled breast : its tranquillity affords no peace for him.
Tliis "Walter felt strongly. Tlie peace which he there saw around
him so strikingly contrasted with the perpetual agitation within him,
that it drove him almost mad. Drink was the only means of excite-
ment which he found available there. Whether he walked abroad or
remained at home, to him it was still the same : everything appeared
to be tranquil but his conscience, and by that he was tortured so per-
petually that the very day on which Goodman died he made up his
VALENTINE VOX. 549
mind to return to town; not only with the view of escaping the
torture which the peaceful character of a rural life induced, hut in order
to see his hrother, and to solicit his forgiveness. Upon this he had
fully and firmly resolved, and was on the point of explaining that reso-
lution to his wife, and to urge her to prepare immediately for their de-
parture, when Horace arrived to announce his brother's death.
^^ What has happened V enquired Walter, as he entered.
" There now, sit down," said Horace, " and don't be in a fever.
Take a drop of brandy, and give me ditto, and then as soon as I've got
off my benjamin, I'll tell you all the news. I can't before.''
Walter trembled. He had no conception of his brothers death, but
he felt that something might have occurred that would plunge them
at once into ruin.
" Well," said Horace, bavins adjusted himself to his entire satisfac-
tion, ^' we seem to have maSe a bit of a mull of this business,
after all."
" What business ?" cried Walter, impatiently.
" Why, the old bufiei^s gone, and "
"Gone?^dead?"
" Wliy, of course I" replied Horace. '* Come, come," he continued,
on perceiving the strong effect the announcement had upon Walter ;
^' There, that s quite enough ; you do it on the whole pretty fairly ; but
now, come, cut it. It's all very natural to be struck aU of a
heap when you've got your game to play, but here there's no necessity
for it. WelL may I be swindled ! I say, governor ! do you mean
it?"
" Silence /" shouted Walter, with an expression of rage.
" Well, that's very pleasant and very pretty, and would sound very
correct if set to music ; but the tone doesn't harmonise exactly with my
feelings, I must say. Haven't I done all I could do? didn't I
swindle the bufiers into the belief that the papers I returned were the
papers, and nothing but ? didn't I get a written acknowledgment for
the lot ? and didn 1 1 get hold of the slavey, and make her believe that
I was single and was going to marry her, in order to get at the bottom
of every move ? and yet it s * Silence /' This is the reward of virtue !"
"Horace! Horace !" exclaimed his mother, "don't for goodness
sake go on so !"
" Go on, how ? This you know is what I call gratitude, this is !"
" We know that you have done a great deal ; we know that ; and
we appreciate it ?"
" Yes, so it seems ! it bears a striking resemblance to that !"
" But do, for Heaven's sake, talk more like a Christian."
"Talk more like a Christian! Well, that's rather rich rich
enough to disagree with any stomach, that is. How am I to talk ?"
" With less vulgarity, Horace ! It is really quite shocking."
" Well, I shouldn't be surprised. But what's the governor dreaming
about now? He hasn't heard above a quarter of what I have to
tell hirt."
" TeU me all," said Walter, " and at once."
550 LIFE AlfD ADVENTURES OP
''Now don't speak in sach an uncomfortable tone. It wonld be
much more mild if it wasn't so strong. I should before haye pulled it
all out at once if you hadn't stopped me. But to whom do you think
he has left all hb property now ? guess.**
*' Perhaps to that Valentine," exclaimed Mrs. Walter, " I shouldn't
be surprised."
^* I care not if he has," said Walter, despondingly, ^^ I am reckless
of everything now."
'^ What !" exclaimed Horace, '' what would you say now if he had
left the lot to you? made you his sole executor, notwithstanding
what has occurred ? forgiven and forgotten all, like a good Christian.''
'^ l8 that the fact ?" enquired Walter, with the most intense earnest-
ness. " Has he really done that ?"
** He has. He has left no one else the value of twopence."
"Thank Heaven!" exclaimed Mrs. Walter; but Walter himaetf
became motionless and silent. Had his brother displayed the slightest
feeling of enmity or revenge ; had he, as a punishment for hb unnatu-
ral conduct, left him destitute, it would have affected him but slightly :
he would have regarded it but as a punishment, and all his energies
would at once have been directed to the means of avoiding it by
retaining illegally that which he had ; but as, notwithstanding the in-
juries he had received at his hands, ^notwithstanding he had been
treated by him with the most unnatural cruelty, he had acted pre-
cisely the same as if he liad experienced nothmg but kindness and
brotherly afection ; it cut him to the quick : for hearts are wounded
far more deeply by kindness undeserved, than by the barbed shafts of
malice or revenge.
" Why," said Horace, who expected fully that his fitth^ would, of
course, be elated, "you don't appear to be particularly up in the
stirrups even now."
Walter rose and left the room, and as he left, his eyes seemed to be
starting from their sockets, while he groaned and ground his teeth, and
with his clenched fists struck his head with violence.
" Well," said Horace, " did you ever see anything to come up to
that ? I' tell him the very best news that could possibly be told, and
instead of being in regular ecstacies, he cuts away, and knocks his old
head about, just like a man without hope."
" The news of his brother's death," said Mrs. Walter, " has affected
him, and very naturaUy."
" Well, that may be regular, as f&r as it goes ; but it won't go veiy
far, you know, when he has been expecting his death daily for
months !"
" Very true ; still, however long it may have been expected, when it
does come we cannot but feel it."
"Well, I shouldn't be surprised. But it wasn't the death that
affected him most ; it was the property that put him in that state of
mind. But I say though, what donkeys we have been in this busi-
ness ! That's what I look at. Here have we been muddling away
the money like mad individuals, in the first instance sacrificing one-haff
VALENTINE VOX. 551
in order to keep the other, and then catting away with that as if we
hadn't above six months to live, when if we had but kept quiet we
should have had the whole in the regular course of nature, and that too
in a lump, which of course would have enabled us to live like fighting-
cocks, in a state of the most pleasant independence for the rest of our
days."
" Very true ; very true ; we have indeed been extravagant."
'* Extravagant, yes; but that which hurts my feelings most is the
fact of our having seen nothing at all for it ! The money has been
regularly slobbered away. It is true we havn't had much luck : that
must be admitted by universal nature. That fool of a fire was the
first go ^that cost a little above a trifle. Then there was the buying
of that Spanish, only just as it was on the point of dropping down to
nothing. Had we waited but half-an-hour longer, we shouldn't have
been in time for that. Then the loss of the governor's mysterious
pocket-book containing those notes that was another nice blessing. I
never saw such a sweet run of luck; it beats all my acquaintance.
And then again you see, buying that house full of furniture at the
very highest price, and then soiling it at about the very lowest to come
down here, and now we shall have to buy another house-full, at the
very highest. You see all these things tell !"
''They do indeed. We have had neither a moment's peace of mind
nor any thing but misfortune since your uncle was taken to that
place."
'* It was a badly managed busix^s ; nay, the whole thing has been
most miserably muffed, and I don't care who knows it. However, we
must make the best we can of it now."
'' I am very sorry we disposed of that furniture. Had we delayed
the sale but a few days, you see there would have been no necessity for
selling it at all."
" That's the beauty of it ! That's the very thing I look at ! We
are always ^t^ in time !"
'' But then who could have supposed it ? Who could have supposed
that your uncle after all would have been so considerate, so good ? I
am sure, for my own part, I never expected it. I never supposed it to
be at all probable. I fully made up my mind when you mentioned the
property that the whole had been left to that young man, to whose
arrival in town I attribute all our misfortunes, and that we should have
been in consequence compelled either to quit the country or to remain
here concealed, to avoid being ruined by actions at law. But say
what you will, Horace, your uncle must have been a good man."
'' Oh ! he was a decent old fellow enough, I dare say. I should
have liked him perhaps better had he liked me better, for there is
always a great deal in that; but as he didn't much care about me,
why I didn't, care much about him. But where's the governor ? It
will never do, you know,' to allow him to get into a state of confirmed
uncomfortables. I must say I don't like the look of him sometimes."
'' I fear that he never wiU be himself again."
" Well, you'd better see after him, you know. He may give us a
652 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
little more of his hanky-panky husineas, and set us all in a blaze as he
did before. Tliere's no accounting for buffers that see apparitions.*'
Mrs. Walter took the hint and left the room, when on entering tiie
little back parlour, she found Walter seated at the table, with his eyes
fixed on vacancy, and groaning with intense mental an^ish. She
spoke to him, he started, but returned no answer. She tned to rouse
him from his reverie, but in vain.
From that hour his misery became appalling.
CHAPTER LX7.
IN WHICH THE DAY IS FIXED AGAIN.
When a month from the period of poor Goodman's death had passed
without a single syllable on the subject of the marriage having been
mentioned, Valentine very naturally felt, that as every thing which
might have been considered a bar to its immediate celebration had
been effectually removed, it would be absurd to defer the renewal of
that subject any longer, particularly as he began to be very impatient.
He saw Louise daily ; he dined and conversed with her daily ; and he
could not but feel that they might as well be married as not ; nay, he
thought it would be better, inasmuch as their minds would be more at
ease, and they would feel far more settled, and so on.
Accordingly, having satisfied himself that nothing could be more
correct, he resolved to revert to the subject at once, and as at the time
this unimpeachable resolution was formed, he and Louise were in the
drawing-room alone, he closed the book he had in his hand, and drew
up to the table at which she had been working for some time in
silence.
It is a curious fact in natural philosophy, that ladies in almost
every case of interest, clearly understand the designs of their lovers.
The process by which they arrive at this clear understanding is inscru-
table of course, but that they do possess the faculty of perceiving it at
once when an interesting proposition is about to be made to them, is a
fact which experience has placed beyoud dispute. It is hence that at
such a time as this they are never off their guard, for let a man go
round and round, and beat about as his apprehensions or his natural
diffidence may prompt, they well know that his design is to come to
the point, and that sooner or later to the point he will come; and
hence it was that in this particular instance Louise no sooner perceived
Valentine draw mysteriously up to the table, than she began to work
away at an extraordinary rate, and to feel her cheeks glowing with
" ineffectual fire."
'^ Louise," said he, ** I mean to be merry again. I have been solemn
already too long ; for although the mournful scene which caused me to
ALBNTINB TOX. S5B
be sad, made an impression which I sincerely hope may never be obli-
terated, still I hold it to be the very reverse of wisdom to cherish
gloomy thoughts until they obtain so great an influence over the mind
as to tinge every feeling of pleasure with sadness."
At this point he paused ; but Louise kept on working with great
intensity and zeal without offering the slightest remark, or even laismg
her eyes for an instant.
*' Louise," he continued, *' you are very indnstrions to-day f
'' That is rather an equivocal compliment^" said Louise; ^^ Am I
not always industrious ?"
'* Your mind is lUways active, I admit ; but I never saw yon
work quite so fast, I thmk, before ! Shall yon be long about &at
business ?"
What bnsmess, dear?"
" Why, that muslin afiair. What is it ? Oh ! by no means !
I have no wish to know!-Bnt you'U not be long about it, I
presume ?"
'' Oh 1 no. But why do yon ask V
^'Because, when you have completed it whatever it may be I
should like to have a little conversation with you on a subject of some
interest."
^* Can we not converse while I am working qnite as weU ?*
'' No, my Louise, not quite, for yonr eyes are then fixed upon the
work when I am anxious to have them fixed upon me."
Louisa bowed, and having set the work aside, was all attention.
'* You heard me say just now," he continued, "that I mean to be
merry again. Louise, we must both be merry."
"I fear," said Louise, 'Hhat I shaU nevor again be habitually
cheerful."
"That, my dear girl, is the effect of the very influence to ^bich I
alluded, and against which we must take care to guard. I am glad,
however, to find that you fear you never shall, because as that implies
a wish that you may, I have no doubt you vnll. Cherish that fear
until you prove it to be groundless. Entertain it till then, and you
are safe. But / have no fear of the kind : I have nolf even a doubt
that you will be, and that soon, the same light-hearted, animated,
merry little tyrant you were three months ago."
Louise shook her head, and sighed.
" You do not think so, of course," he continued; "I don't see how you
can ! But, my good girl, we must not hug sorrow to our hearts as if we
loved it* We shall have enough of it, vidthout courting its society. It
vnll come often enough, without any invitation, and stop lon^ enough,
without being either welcomed or fostered. We roust give it no en-
couragement ; if we do, it will stick to us, and make itself so perfectly at
home, that after a time we shall not be able to get rid of it at all. Th^
are the wisest people who turn sorrow out at once, for it really has
no engaging qualities: it is always looking wretched, and groaning
about something. How ever rational beings can love such a companion
I cannot oonoeive*"
4b
5^4 LIFE AND ADTENTUttlBS OP
*^It8 viaitSi" said Louise, ^'aie, unfortunately, not confined to those
by whom it is beloved/'
" Of course not. It will force itself anywhere ; it is etemdly
trying to extend the circle of its acquaintance ; but having gained an
introduction, the length of its visit depends entirely upon the treat-
ment it receives. If you meet it with spirit, it will be too much
shocked to reraun long ; but if once you fall into its views, it will love
you too dearly to leave you. Now I perceive, my dear girl, that it b
getting rather too fond of you : its affection for you, indeed, is he-
coming very conspicuous, and as such is the case, would it not be wise
to make it understand that on your part there is no reciprocity of
feeling ? What is your opinion upon the point V
*' Upon my word," said Louise, " I cannot say."
** Are you enamoured of sorrow V*
" No."
*^ You have no desire to be wedded to it for life V
Certainly not."
*' If you knew how to remove the heavy burden from your heart,
you would do so wOlingly ?"
"I .would."
** Then the thing shall be done. I will undertake to show you how
to do it. But let us have a clear and distinct understanding. You
engage to be guided by me ? You promise to act upon my instnic-
tions to the very letter V
Louise paused, but at length said, ^' I do." "
*'Very well. In the fiwt place then (now I expect the most
implicit obedience) in the first place, let me see, this is the sixth :
yes ; well then, dmde upon what day, between this and the twentieth,
we shall take fall possession of our house."
*' Oh ! that's an entirely different thing !" exclaimed Louise. '* We
were speaking on the subject of sorrow I
'' We were ; and as I have made up my mind to entertain no sonow
at that house, the sooner we take possession of it the better. Remem-
ber, you have promised obedience ! between this and the twentieth."
^'Nay, but Ihis is a snare! You can hardly expect me to feel
myself bound by a promise into which I have bc^n entrapped ! But
seriously, my love, pray let us defer it a little longer."
" Well, my dear girl, I will consent to defer it provided jrou can
prove to me that it ought to be deferred."
^^ Would not the mere expression of my wish on the subject be
sufficient?''
" Why that depends entirely upon what form of government we aie
under. If it be an absolute despotism, of course the wish would have
but to be expressed to be obeyed ; but if it be but a limited monarchy,
the consent of others must be obtimied before it can have the force of
law. But I thought you were my pupil my subject for the time
being. I thought you promised to obey tne. Was it not so ?
*'I certainly did promise; but "
'* That is sufi&cient ! Your will then of course is quite out of ^the
VALENTINE VOX. 555
question : my will is the law to which you have pyomised obedience :
nevertheless, if you can show me any just cause or impediment why
we should not take possession of that house before the twentieth, I am
perfectly willing to yield ; at the same time I think that I am quite
safe in making that promise, believing tliat no sufficient reason can be
adduced. But what have you to urge V
^^ I know of nothing wluch you would consider a sufficient reason ;
but I don t, my love, feel exactly ^prepared."
" Well, surely you will have plenty of time for preparation before
the twentieth I Consider, an immense deal can be done in fourteen
days. Besides, look at that furniture ! Now, I should be very sorry
indeed to see that fall into decay ; and is it likely that it will not all
be spoiled if we drive this affiiir off much longer V
^^ Oh ! but I hope it is well taken care of."
^^ It may be ; I say it may be ; but you know what servants are
when they have no one to see after them. But independently of that,
I don't like to see the house as it is now. We should feel more at
home there, much more at home. I admire the house. And shall
we not be happy in it, my love? Yes, I feel that we shall, and
you feel that we shall, too. Let us then be happy at once. I am not
at all particular as to the day ; any day between this and the twentieth.
The earlier, the better, of course. Come, my Louise, we must have no
more gloom, no more melancholy thoughts or afflicting apprehensions.
To-morrow I will not press you too closely now ^but to-morrow let
me know the day on which our happiness is reaUy to commence, and
then well make sorrow^y before the prospect !"
Louise was silent. Valentine had drawn his chair quite close
to hers, and had both her hands in his ; and although she endeavoured
to fix her eyes firmly upon her dress, they would aunost every moment
meet his, which of cotirse she couldn't help.
'' Louise," said he, after a pause, during which he gazed with the
highest and purest feelings of admiration upon her, ^' what say you ;
shall we so this morning and look at our house, and see how the furni-
ture stands, and so on V
" Ob, yes ! I should like it indeed.'^
** Then we'll go, my dear girl ; run away and prepare."
Louise now raised her eyes, and before she left the room fixed them
firmly upon him, and said that he was a dear good creature, and that
she loved him more and more ; for which, of course, Valentine appro-
priately rewarded her, and a heavy burden seemed to have been
removed from the hearts of both.
" OA, Louey !" exclaimed Llewellen, who happened to enter unper-
ceived at the very moment their lips accidentally met, " Oh /"
Louise blushed, and darted from the room with all possible speed.
'^ Well, Fred !" said Valentine, precisely as if nothing 9i all had
happened, " What's the news V
^^ Well, cootness knows it, now, that's the first time I ever
frightened Louey ! Hur'm so clat ! Won't bur tease her now, look
you !*'
$5 LIPB AMD ADTBKTinUBi OF
^ TeMe herr sttd Ydentiae, '' What about?''
UewcHen nubde a Toy 4rdl fiioe, and gave five or six Terydekibeiaie
nods as if he quite nndentood it.
^ Why, you dcm't euppoee, Fred, that it ia Tery extiaofdiiiaiy a
lady to leoeiTO a kiaa firam hm to whom A is juat on the point of
beinff manied ?*'
* No" aaid liewdkn, ''no I It isn't eztiaortinary, tkaij but look
you, there's a tiffisienoe between kissing phen nopotty^s apout, ant kiss-
ing phen somepotty^s hanty ; and oootness knows Louey woultn*t hsTe
hSi me seen liar for the wofit ; eo hui^fl loast her to teath apoat it, look
you! Putt hur say, my poy, woultn't you like to have a walk?
liui^ve pin leating those pleaaet books pelow tiU hur'm plind."
^ Louise and I are going to look at tiie honse."
** Oh ! apoye all things u the wodi ! Hur may eo, hur anpposer
'' Of oourse! that is to si^, if Louise haa no objeotion; but I know
she will put her veto upon it at once if yon say another word about the
kiss.''
** Oh, very well ; hur ton't oare so Umg as hur can co, only hur
shoot like to tease her a pit apout that.''
** But her sfMrits, poor sirl, have of late been depressed, and you
ought not, you know, to twe any advantage"
^ Not for the worlt T cried Llewellen, with much feding, ** Not for
the worlt! For hur love Louey, lo(^ you; were she my sister, hur
coultn't loTe her more."
Valentine grasped his hand, and shook it warmly ; and, haTing ssid
that he was a good fellow, strongly recommended him to go andbnd
his hair, not because it was at all disananged, but in order that Loniae,
when she returned, might not feel at all embanassed.
'^ Hur ton't think bureau make it look much potter, look yon," said
Llewellen, after having snrv^ed it in the glass. '' Phot's tiie matter
with it, my poy 7 Ton't you like the ix? of it T
''Oh, go and give it a brush ; it will look all the smoother, especially
bdiind."
" Very coot : hurll make it co potter if hur can."
" That's ri^ht ; but be quick ; don't keep us vraiting long. Ron
away, Louise is coming."
Llewdlen vras off like a diot to arrange his hair, and Louise the next
moment returned.
" Oh ! where is Fred?" she enquired, having looked stealthily round.
" Giaeious ! what did he say ?"
" What did he say ! Why, he 9aid that he diould like to go with
ns."
*' Yes, yes ; but about- you know what I mean. Did he make any
remark?^
I believe that he eaid ' Oh !' or something'of that kind playfully,
before you left the room."
*' Dear me, what a fidget I was in."
Llewellen now entered, with his hair in the best trim. He had
altered the '* go^'' and it looked rather tidy.
ALBirriKB vox. 557
*' Will it too r he enqvjfed, addressiiig Ydeiituie.
'* Aye ! now it looikfi more like the thing !"
*^ Hur wish, Louey tear, you woult puy mo aome pears* gieaee, will
you, Looey ? ^there's a coot cirl !'^
Louise promised to do so, and they left the house, and at the sugges-
tion of Valentine called for Uude John, whom they found alone, and
in rather low spirits. He was, however, pleased to see them, for their
appearance was dieerine ; more espeoially that of Louise.
*' We are oome," said Louise, alter a moat cordial greeting, ** to steal
from you those ^oomy thoughts which Valentine thinks we have all
entertained long enough."
*' And I helieve that he is riglit, my dear," returned Uncle John, " I
believe that he is right/'
^^ I am glad that you think so too," said Louise. ^' You will ac-
company us ? We are going to look at the house."
*^ Too come," urged Llewellen ; '^ it's a plesset deal petter tlian peing
here, and cootness knows it."
" Oh I I'll go with you with pleasure."
^' But I thought," said Louise, ^ that my dear fnend was here ?"
^^ She has been here ; but we shall find her there : I have just sent
her to sec that everything is going on right."
^^ Well, that U fortunate. I hope she will not have left."
*^ SSiali hur oo pefore," said Llewellen, ^' and tell her you aie
coming?"
'^ X es, do," replied Louise, ^^ there's a dear fellow, do."
Llewdlen started off, and they followed him leisurely, and on the
way Valentine hinted to Uncle John that between that day and the
twentieth they should bo in possesion, which pleased Uncle John, al-
tliough it slightly, but very slightly, embarrassed Louise.
*'* I do not see," said the old gentleman, ^* the slightest necessity now
for delaying the thing any longer ; on the contrary, I think that as
every obstacle has been removed, anjr further delay would be folly ; for
of course we shall aU fed unsettled until it takes place."
Valentine was delighted to hear his uncle speak out on the subject,
and Louise was by no means unhappy about it, albeit she was silent.
On arriving at the house, they were received by the widow, who
with Louise at once proceeded to make a most minute inspection, while
Valentine, his uncle, and Llewellen, were having a glass of wine. This
inspection, however, did not occupy the whole of the time the ladies
were absent, for Louise, embracing the earliest opportunity, opened her
heart to her affectionate friend, and having explained the substance of
all that passed between her and Valelitine that morning, it was decided
then that the fifteenth should be fixed, and the widow was deputed to
announce the &ct to Valentine, in order that he might immediately
oommunicaite with Raven.
Accordingly, on entering the drawing-room in which the gentlemen
wre enjoying themselves, the widow drew Valentine aside, and to his
great satisfoction, imparted to him the result of their private conference.;
bitt Louise at the time felt so excessively awkward, and trembled with
558 LIFE AND ADYSMTURBS OP
80 mnch yiolenoe, that she dated not attempt to raise the glass of wine
presented by Uncle John, to her lips ; nor was it until Valentine, on re-
joining them with a smile, began to converse on general topics with the
highest consideration for her feelings, which he on all occasions studied,
that she was able to reassnme her scif-possession. On recoyering her-
self, howeyer, she began to explain how mnch delighted she was with
the whole of the arrangements, and soon made it manifest that she
really did feel that the sooner matters were settled the better.
The object proposed having been thus accomplished, Valentine,
Louise, and Llewellen, left the house in the occupation of Unde
John and the widow, who remained to give additional instructioDs;
and as Valentine was resolved that Louise should be gay, that she
might feel as little embarrassed under the circumstances as possible, he
suggested that they should go to a certain scientific exhibition, which
he had seen advertised in the papers that momins. Louise alwajs
peculiarly happy to visit exhibitions with her Vatontine, who had the
power to render them all sources of infinite amusement applauded the
suggestion, and they proceeded to act upon it at once.
On passing Langham Church, however, Valentine's attention was
attracted by two persons who were in earnest conversation at the
comer. He saw at a glance that one of these persons waa Whitely ;
but beinff anxious that the thoughts of Louise should not revert to the
affiiir witli which his name was associated, he of course took no notice,
and they were about to pass on, when at the moment Llewellei
exclaimed, '' Look you ! Is not that Mr. Phitely V*
Louise in an instant turned her eyes, and saw not only Whitdy, but
Joseph, her &ther's late porter.
^' Too you know the other, Louey V added Llewellen. ** Apove sH
other people in the worlt it's that lazy scountrel Joe, ant oootness
knows it !"
*' Don't appear to notice them," said Valentine. " The fellow is^
perhaps, merely trying to get another situation.'
*' Phitely ton't live with you now, I pelieve Y
^^ No, he left about a fortnight ago."
They passed on, and Llewellen agann expressed his wonder that
Whitely should converse with a fellow like that ; but Louise neither
said a single word upon the snbject, nor felt at aJl surprised ; indeed,
as she knew that Ilaven's secret had been known to the man, she
viewed it as a thing to be expected that whenever he and Whitely hap-
pened to meet, they would speak on the subject as a matter of course.
To Valentine this was unknown, and hence he thought iar more of
the matter ; but he appeared to be as gay as before, and conversed in
as lively a strain, and kept Louise constantly smiling until they reached
the exhibition, being anxious for her to thiiJc as littie as possible abont
that which they had seen, and which on his mind had made a deep im-
pression.
On entering the exhibition, the first thing which attracted their
notice was the process of spinning glass by steam, which Llewellea
pronounced to be '* wonterful beyont all things in the worlt," and when
M
ALENTINB VOX. 569
informed that the glass thus spun could with nlk or thread be manu-
foctured into various articles of dress, he declared in a conSdential
whisper to Valentine, that he would have a pair of ^'peautiful preeches"
made of it, but that, if he ^^tit happen to tumple town, then they
would certainly preak into pits."
They then proceeded to the principal room, which was crowded
with models, and scientific apparatus, which Uewellen minutely ex-
amined, and upon which he made divers extraordinary remarks.
^^ Valentine," whispered Louise, ^' I don't think that Fred has ever
been^dvanised. I wonder how he would like it 1"
''We'll see," said Valentine, '* there's a wire in that basin: drop
something in, and ask him, as a ayour, to get it out."
'' Oh that will be glorious ; but what shall it be ? my purse V
'' Anything : a ring will be better ; he'll be some time getting at
that"
Louise drew off a ring, and let it fall into the basin, and when
Llewellin, who had been looking at the model of a steam-boat, ap-
proached, she cried, '' Oh, Fred, I've just dropped my ring into the
water ; can you see it ?"
^'Yes," replied Llewellen, 'Hhere it is at the pottom. Wait a
minute ; Til get it !"
He drew off his glove, and put his hand into the water, but it was
out again, of course, in an instant 1 the shock, being perfectly unex-
pected, astonished every nerve he possessed.
" Why, Fred, what's the matter Y' enquired Valentine.
LleweUen couldn't tell. He stood and looked at the water with
great intensity of feeling, and with a very remarkable aspect; but
what it was that had thus travelled through his system with the velo-
city of light, he was not in a position to say.
'' My poy," said he, at length, '' do you see anything there in that
pasin ?"
'' I see a ring at the bottom."
" Putt nothing alive, look you ? nothing alive ?"
** No," replied Valentine, gravely.
*' Nor can I^ ant yet there was something which made my pint
curtie, and shook every pone in my potty."
'' Come, Fred," said Ixuise, who had been convulsed from the first,
" you said you would get me my ring."
** So hur tit, Louey, yes, ant so hur tcill ^putt cootness knows it !"
Hereupon he put his hand into the water again, and as it was out in
an instant, as before, he demanded to know what it was.
' Phot M it r he cried,'' Phot in the name of Saint Tavit can it
pe ? Hur never saw water alive pefore I Just tiy it^ my poy : just
try it."
"Is it hot?"
" Oh no, cootness knows its not hot, putt o queer ! too try it."
" Nonsense," said Louise, affecting to be serious. ^' I suppose that
I must get it out mjrself."
"Not for the worltl" exclaimed LleweUen, "not for the worlt!
50 LIFE ANB ADTBaVTUlUB OF
it will shake you to pits ! No, hnrll get it oat pieeently , putt inteet
her ton't know phot to make of it at aU."
He now tried very caatiously with one of his fingers, and the resolt
caused him to feel a deep interest in the thing, and he became lees
alarmed, still he could make nothing of it.
^^ Now," said Louise, ** did you ever see so silly a creature ! There
has he been for tlie last ten minutes dipping lor my zing^ and hasn't
got it up yet IT
^^ Hur ton't care phot you say, Louey : there's a mystery in this
pusiness, cootness knows, ant hu/11 get to the pottom of it, look you !*
*' Well, I wish you would, for at the bottom lies the ring."
^* Hur^ton't mean that : but hur say, my poy ; try it : too try it T*
*^ Oh I Fve no objection," said Valentine, who quietly removed the
wire, and drew out the ring, without the sinallest inconvenience.
'^ Well," said Uewellen, ^' how very extraortinary I Put titn't yon
feel something that mate you tremple ?*'
^* No," repued Valentine, as he slipped the wire in aeain.
^* Well, hur can't pear to pe peat ! hur'U try it again, look yon V*
He did so, and on finding that, as a matter of course, the efieet
upon him was the same, he became quite distressed. *^How very
remarkable," he cried; " how very troll T
' Oh ! Fred, Fred I" cried Louise.
*' Hur ton't oare, Louey, the water's pewitehed. You try it ; only
try one finger ! If Valentine can stant it hur can't, and hurm sure it
will shake you to pieces."
^^ I've no particular desire to wet my fingers," said Louise, as Va-
lentine again removed the wire, unperoeivM, ^* but in order to show
what a very silly creature you are, Fred, I will."
She then at once introduced her little hand into the water, and held
it there, of couise, with perfect steadiness, which so amaaed liewellen,
that he scarcely knew how to express what he felt.
'^ Now," said Louise, ^^ I do hope you are satisfied." But Lleweflen
was not by any means ; and he was about to explain, with great force,
that he was not, when Louise playfully told him to say no more about
it, and with gentle force led him away.
At that moment a man in a diving dress was about to enter a basin
at the upper end of the room, about twelve feet in diameter and ei^t
feet deep. They therefore drew as near as possible at once, in oraer
to have a good view of the operations, and when ho had got beneath
the surface, he appeared to walk about with very great deliberation
and safety, his movements being marked by the water which con*
tinuidly boiled above his head. Having been down for some time, he
ascended, and when a box had been handed to him with the view of
fiving a practical illustration of the power of voltaic electricity, he went
own again, but he had no sooner done so, than Valentine, having
whispered to Louise, threw his voice towards the diver, and cried
"Pull me out r
In an instant the men who were in attendance, threw ropes to the
diver and held a life-preserver above his head^ and would doubtless
VALENTINE VOX. 561
have proceeded to great eztremities in order to save him, had he not,
on perceiving through the elass in his helmet, a very unnsaal hustle
ahove, reasoended the rope &dder to see v?hat it was all ahont, in the per-
fect conviction that wmethin^ was decidedly vnrong. He had scarcely,
however, got above the surface, when he was seized by the attendants,
who exhibited the most laudable anxiety to render him every assistance
in their power, which astonished the diver more and more, and he shook
his head at them and seemed by his gestnres to be demanding an
explanation ; but it had no efiect ; they led him with great humanity
to the edge of the badn and made him sit down, and having carefully
removed his helmet, they anxiously asked him how he felt himself
then.
Of course; the diver didn't know what to make of this display of
affectionate zeal, and very naturally begged to know what it meant, for
being totally unaccustomed to such considerate attention, it rather con*
fused him than not.
" What's the matter V said he, " any thing broke ?"
'' What was the matter with you?*' enquired one of the men.
*' The matter with me ! ^nothing/*
" What did you call out for tlien V
*^ I call out ! How came you to think of that ? / didn't call out !*
Here the spirit of incredulity seized them all, and they asked him
distinctly if he really meant to say that he had not uttered the words
" Pull me out."
" Of course I do," he replied. " Why should I want to be ptdled
out ? If I'd felt queer, couldn't I have come out of my own accord in
about the space of half an instant ?"
The men said no more ; but they looked at each other as if they felt
eometliing very acutely.
The hdmet was now readjusted, and when the submarine explosion
had taken place, the diver again went down for a short time, and
having completed his task, reascended.
" Any lady or gentleman for the diving-bell V shouted one of the
attendants. '' The diving-bell !"
^^ Have you courage enough to go down, Louise ?" said Valentine,
hardly expecting that she had.
^^ I have oourage enough to go any where vnth you," replied Louise.
*' I fear nothing when you are with me."-
Valentine smiled, and pressed her hand. '^ Would you hke," said
he, " to go dovm with us, Fred V
^' Apove all things in the worlt 1'* replied Llewellen ^^ Hnr shouki
like it, if only to say that hur hat pin tovm, look you !"
The' necessary tickets were therefore procured, and they entered the
bell, which would have held five persons, but they were (done, and the
moment they were seated they were launched into the middle of the
basin, and began to descend. The pumping then commenced, and they
began to experience a singular sensation, which gradually increased as
they descended, until it became one of absolute pain. Their ears
seemed to be completely stopped up one moment, and the next to have
4 c
562 LIFE AND ADTENTUBSfi OF
a passage directly through them, while their heads tAi as if they weie
quite prepared to split.
*' Oh ! I shall tie I" cried Llewellra, ^ ant cootness knows it/*
'^ Nonsense !" said Valentine.
" Oh I put hur can't preathe !*'
Valentine knocked for more air, and they immediately felt more
oppressed ; he then knocked for less, and although they fdt in some
degree relieved, the sensation was still very painful.
" Oh my poor hot ! it will pust !" cried LleweUen.
*' We are ascending now, my love," said Valentine, who regretted
exceedingly that he had brought Louise down ; for although she ex-
hibited no signs of fear, he well knew that she must be in pain.
" Oh ! my potty's as empty as a putt !" cried Llewellen ; "a/ my
het ! Oh ! my het !"
'' We are very near the surface now," said Valentine.
" Only let me once more get apove it !" cried Uewellen ** hurll
never get pelow it in a tiving pell acain." And he shook his head, sad
gave some extraordinary^ wmks; and appeared to be altogether very
uncomfortable.
The next moment they got above the surface, and begaa to breathe
freely again; and the instant the bell had been lanckd, LleweUen
rushed out, holding his ears, and looking very mysterious. The persons
who stood round smiled, of course, but the knowledge of that Hftct did
not hurt his private feelings : he thought of his head* he then cared
about nothing in nature but that.
^^You are in pain, my poor girl," said Valentine, having handed
Louise from the bell.
^' No, I don't feel much now," replied Louise ; ^^ I have a tingling
sensation in my ears ; but it isn't very painful.'!
^' I am indeed very sorry that I induced you to go down ; but I had
no idea of its having this effect."
" Oh it will very soon go dff i Do you feel much of it ?"
** Very Uttle, But look at poor Fred !"
Llewellen was at that time standing vdth his hands to his ears, and
his elbows on the frame, looking very severely at the water. His ex-
pression was that of a deaf individual, and the whole of his intellectual
faculties appeared to be in a most distressing state of confusion.
** How do you feel now, Fred ?" said Valentine, " Better T
*' Fetter !" cried Llewellen, '^ my het's in a roar ! Its tang^ons, look
you I ^very tangerous indeed !"
Valentine admitted that it was dangerous; and that ladies espe-
cially ought never to go dovm ; for altiiough in the bell there were
instructions to knock once for more air, twice for less, and so on, nine
persons out of ten, when they experience a difficidty in breaUiing,
suppose that they have too little air when they have too much, and
knock for more : independently of which, his decided impression was, that
its tendency in many cases of weak9ess was to produce instant death.
An announcement was now made, to the effect that something was
going forward in the Theatre of the Institution ; and as Valentine and
VALENTINE VOX. 563
Louise had nearly recovered from the e^^ts of their diving experi-
ment, they playftiUy rallied Uewellen, and havine insisted upon his
keeping his fingers out of his ears, proceeded with him in the direction
pointed out.
As they entered the theatre, it was perfectly dark, which rather
alarmed Fred, who displayed an inclination to retire. " Is this another
scientific experimental pusiness V* he enquired, '^ pecause if it pe, hur
can't stant it, my poy, hur can't inteet."
^' It is only the microscope,'' said Valentine, and the next moment
the disc appeared hefore Uiem, exhibiting a mass of unhappy little
wretches, that appeared to be in a frightful state of excitement. They
darted about, and drove against each other, and lashed their tails, and
kicked as if conscious that they had not another minute to Hve, and
were therefore resolved to make the most of the time allowed them.
lieweUen was delighted. He at once forgot his head, and took the
deepest possible interest in the evolutions of the little animals, which
were somewhere about a million times less than they appeared.
*^ Phot are they ?" he enquired, " Phot are they all about? They
appear to have pins in their tails, look you !"
'' Listen," said Valentine, and at the moment an individual began to
explain that what they saw was merely a drop of Thames water, and
that the animals therein ^ ^re so minute, that the idea of being able to
see them with the na\ eye was about the most ridiculous tbit could
be conceived.
^^ Oh !" exclaimed Valentine, sending his voice some distance from
him. '^ How then can they see each other ? Are their eyes stronger
than ours ?"
This was done of course merely, to create a sensation, and that object
was in an instant achieved ; and the Lecturer paused, but disdained to
reply to so strikingly irregular a question.
" Well !" said Valentine. " But I suppose you cannot tell."
The Lecturer scientifically struggled for some time with his feelings ;
but at length said with very great solemnity, ^^ What is it the genue-
man wishes to know 7"
" Whether," rpplied Valentine, " their eyes are more powerful than
oursT
^' Beyond doubt !" said the Lecturer, in a very severe tone,
'^ infinitely mo^ powerful in their sphere. Eyes are not powerful in
proportion to ^ -leir size. If they were, the eagle would be able to see
a far less distance than the elephant, and assuming that the elephant
has the power to distinguish objects at a distance of twenty miles, the
ant would be able to see nothing beyond half a millionth part of a
quarter of an inch."
Here the Lecturer was applauded, and by the light of the lamp
bende him, it was perceptible that he felt a little better.
'* What a very silly person he must be," observed Louise, " to ask
so ridiculous a question !"
'^ Very," returned Valentine; when, assuming the same voice as
befoie, he added, ^' Who is it that says I am a very silly person?"
564 LIFB AND ADTENTURfiS OF
^* Good giaciouB !*' cried Louise, ^^ I had no idea of his having oyer-
heard me/'
^ Who is itf again demanded Valentine, when many b^an to laugh,
and many more cned, '^ I ! I i I ! We all say that you are a veiy
silly person/'
^ How daie you laugh at me !'' cried Yaleniine, and the laughter re-
commenced. ^' I know/' he continued, *^ I well know the langh of
one excited individual : it is that of Fred UeweUen, who has just beea
down in the diving-beU/'
Oh r cried Louise, '^it is you!"
'' Hush I" said Valentine.
^' Tit you hear?*' cried Llewellen; ^ tit you hear? Co jiheie hor
will, hur am sure to pe known."
*^ I know you," cried Valentine.
^^ Silence ! alence ! ^Order 1 order 1" shouted several persons, who
began to feel indignant.
'* Am I to be insulted by a Wdshman V* cried Valentine, in a very
scornful tone, '* Is it likely ?"
^' Phot to you mean, sir ?" pointedly demanded Llewellen, for his
blood began to boiL ^^ Phot to you mean ? Who are you V*
^' G^tlemen," said the Lecturer, soothingly, ^^ it wUl be perfectly
impossible for us to proceed unless you are sUent."
^' Do not be brow-beaten, Fred,*' said Louise, in a yery wicked
whisper.
^' Too you think to prow-peat me?" shouted Llewellen, whom
Louise had thus inspired with unlimited courage. ^ If you too^ yon
are mistaken. You're no gentleman, sir I"
^^ What r shouted Valentine^ at the same time patting him encou-
ragingly on the shoulder.
^^ Hur say you're no gentleman I" repeated Llewdlen, under tiie in-
fluence of the liveliest indignation.
^^ Gentlemen P said the Lecturer, ^^ Gentlemen ! I would put it to
your own good sense whether this ought to be. Is it decent ? Is it
correct ? ^Is it a thing which ought to be tolerated for one moment ?
You really must be silent, or we cannot proceed."
^* He may be silent," cried Valentine, ^^ but I vrill not : 111 have
satisfaction !"
^ It is to you, sir, I more particularly address myself," said the Lec-
turer. *^ You aie the aggressor."
" Do you tell me that to my teeth ?" said Valentine. *' 111 have
satisfaction of you I"
Loud cries of *^ Turn him out ! turn him out !" now proceeded
from every quarter, and when the noise and excitement had reached the
highest pitch, the shutter of the skylight was suddenly removed, and
al^ut three hundred persons were dscovered in a state of great
anxiety.
This unexpected and instantaneous introduction of Dght had a
striking effect. The noise ceased on the instant, but all appeared to be
panting to catch a glimpse of him who had created the unseemly dis-
turbance.
TALENTIKE VOX. 505
*^ Which is the gentleman,'* enquired the Lecturer, *^ who is so
anxious to have sati^action V*
No one answered. The question was repeated more emphatically ;
still no one answered.
^'As he thought proper to insult me personally," said Llewellen,
^' hur shall he mt if he'll make his appearance, that hur may invite
him to walk quietly out."
'' He durst not show himself," cried several voices.
'* Who says that ?" demanded Yalentine, promptly, making his
voice appear to proceed from the other side of the theatre.
" 1 1" cried Llewellen, looking towards the quarter from which the
sound apparently proceeded. ''1 say that you tare not show yourself.'
Another pause ensued, and every eye was directed towards the spot ;
hut although a low muttering was heard distinctly, no one appeared,
with the view of asserting his dignity as a man.
^^ My impression is, that he's a plackcart l" cried Llewellen, ** a tixty
plackcart V
*' That's enough!" said Valentine, throwing his voice as before,
** that's enough ! I'll be with you !"
Tlie effect which this had upon those who were in the quarter from
which the voice seemed to come was extraordinary. They looked at
each other in a state of amazement, and marvelled not only that they
were unable to see him there, but that they could not discover him
while he was speaking.
**Now then!'' shouted Valentine^ throwing his voice towards the
door, " are you comins ?"
This puaoled the audience still more. They had seen no one making
his way out, and they felt sure that if any one had, they mtut have seen
him. It was a mystery to them; they couldn't understand it
Llewellen, however, without waiting to see what effect this had upon
the audience generally, started out the veiy moment he ^heard the
summons with all the alacrity at his command. Valentine and Louise
followed, and the majority of the audience, who seemed to take parti-
culiur interest in the matter, followed them, and foimd Llewellen very
naturally looking about the entrance for the person by whom he had
been challenged.
**' Well, have you seen him ?" enquired Valentine.
*' No, cootness knows it ; hur'm afrait he knows petter than to let
me."
^'Now then! Here I am!" cried Valentine, throwing his voice
among the crowd.
Llewellen again looked about with great acnteness, and the crowd,
who sympathised with him, assisted him in his efibrts to discover the
individual, but in vain ; he was there, there could be no doubt of that,
but he evidently hadn't the courage to stand forth.
** Now, phot can you too with such a fellow V said LleweDen,
appealing to Valentine. ^* Phot can you too with him ? If hni coult
see him, hur shoult know petter apout it; put as he won't pe seen,
phy cootness knows, hur ton'i know phot's to pe tone !"
560 LIFE AND ADYENTUBBS OF
^^ Treat him with contempt,'* said Valentine, in his natural Toioe,
*' He is quite heneath your notice. I thought from the first, you'd be
unable to discover him. Now, let us be off."
'^ Putt we had potter not oo just tirectiy, my poy ! He will say
that hur was afrait, and run away !"
*^ Not he," returned Yalentine ; ^* but we shall walk out leisuidy,
and if his courage should come up, he can follow us to the door.''
They then proceeded towards the entrance, and on the way
UeweUen, the thought of whose head had eone out of that head alto-
gether, turned to see if the invisible individual had plucked up suffi-
cient courage to follow ; but no one did so no one approached to an-
nounce himself boldly like a man, which liewellen could not but
think strange ; but still more strange did he consider the &ct of his
invisible enemy having addressed him by name.
Of course Louise was delighted with this little adventure. 8be
thought it, indeed, too bad tnat poor Fred should have been teased to
so great an extent; but he was soon made perfectly happy by her and
Yalentine, who felt themselves bound to applaud the invincible courage
he had displayed.
CHAPTER LXVI.
IN WHICH ANOTHBB IMPORTANT SBCBBT IS RSYBALED.
On the following morning, when Valentine called at the usual hour,
he just present^ himself to Louise, and then proceeded to the libraiy,
having ascertained that Raven was there alone, with the view of com-
municating with him on the subject, which then almost exclusively oc-
cupied his mind.
It was the first time that he had sought a private interview with
him since the unhappy recognition took place. He had seen him he
had dined with him indeed almost daily since then, but as he had on
all occasions appeared to be anxious to avoid being with him alone,
Valentine had, of course, never thrust himself upon him.
The time, however, had now arrived when\it was absolutely neces-
sary for him to do so ; and as he entered the library. Raven appeared
to know his object, for he threw aside the paper he was reading, and
having shaken his hand warmly, pointed to a seat.
^' Well, Valentine," said he, ^* so you have come to have a little
private tdk with me at last. Of course I know upon what subject ;
at least I presume that it is on that of your marriage V
"Exactly/' returned Valentine. *'It is thought that, if it meet
your views, the fifteenth will be a very correct day."
" The fifteenth, my dear boy, then let it be, by all means ; and the
sooner the fifteenth comes^ why ibe sooner I shall be bi^py. I hope
TALENTIME VOX. 567
that this time nothing may occur to cause the slightest disappoint-
ment."
'* I hope so too. I have no fear of that."
*' Nor had you before, and yet you see "
" Nay, nay," said Valentine, gently interrupting him, " don't let us
revert to that subject; let us shun it; let us forget it. The thing is
over now settled let it rest."
^^ There is one consideration, and only one," rejoined Raven, '^ which
enables me to recur to it with pleasure, and that consideration has
reference directly and solely to you. When I intimated to you am-
biguously, that that which did occur might happen, you promised
that come what might, you would be faithful and firm to Louise.
You have kept that promise nobly : you have been firm : I am con-
vinced that you never wavered for an instant, but felt as a man ought
to feel, that whatever might be my errors, she was pure, poor girl ! and
I admire you for it."
^^ I apprehend," said Valentine, '' that in that instance far less credit is
due to me than you are inclined to award ; for I much question whe-
ther, if even my head had made an effort to shake my firmness, my
heart would have allowed it to succeed. But let me suggest that we bury
this matter for ever ^that we never, in any shape, or on any occasion,
allude to it again. Come, let us change the scene. We have been
looking already too long at the dark side of things ; let us turn to the
bright one, for a bright one there is ! The day of our marriage must
not be one of gloom/'
*^ You are a fine fellow, Valentine^a noble fellow : there is none of
that sickly, sentimental aristocracy about you. You see things at a
glance, as they are. I have the highest opinion of your judgment."
" The fifteenth then," said Valentine, " is to be the day r
" The fifteenth. Exactly. And as your wish is to avoid all allu-
sion to that affair, I had better not enter into any esqplanation."
'* That will be by far the better way. I should like things to go on
now, precisely as if nothing of the kind had occurred."
*^ Well it's useless to make ourselves miserable eternally about that,
which being done, can't be helped. It was a sad affair certainly.
However, it's passed, and we'll say no more about it. Will your uncle
be here to-day V
" It's very likely hell caU."
^^ If he should, let me see him. We have not to go over the same
ground again, exactly ; but -don't let him go away without looking
m upon me."
Valentine promised that he would not ; and as the object for which
he had sought the interview had been accomplished, he was about to
leave the room, when Raven, as if a thought had just occurred to him,
said, ^' Valentine ! Mr. Whitely has left yon, has he not ?"
" Yes," returned Valentine.
** Have you seen him latdy V
^^ Not to speak to him.'
*^ I am not very anxious to know of course ; but you have seen him ?
568 LIFE AND OTENTURES OF
*' Why, I just taio him, yesterday."
^* Yesterday 1 Oh ! indeed, so recently as that ? Then he intends
to remain in town, I suppose ?"
*' Upon my word, I am unable to say."
*' Oh ! it's a matter of no importance. I merdy thought that he
intended to go into the country : that's all."
Valentine looked at him intently. He was half inclined to mention
the fact of his having seen Whitely with Joseph ; but as it struck him
that its tendency could only be to reproduce unpleasant feelings, he
abstained, and Ic^t the room.
Louise and the widow now began to be excessively busy again ; for
although it is true that every thing from the most important even to the
most minute had been previously prepared to their entire satisfaction, it
is equally true that when they came to look again calmly over everything,
everything required to be slightly altered. They therefore became as full
of business as before ; nay, their minds were niore constantly occupied,
seeing that whereas in the making of matters a great deal had been left
to the judgment of other persons, the alterations were efiected under
their inunediate superintendence, it being absolutely necessary for those
alterations to be in accordance with their mutually improved taste.
In this business, of course, Valentine was shut entirely out of all oon
fidenoe. Generally he stood in the position of family counsel, for his
opinion vras solicited in cases of emergency, and acted upon without
another thought ; but in this particular case he was not applied to at
all ! a fact which did not however disturb him.
Uncle John, having been deeply engaged about the booae the
appearance of which in every point, may be said to Imve been the sub-
ject of his ^' thoughts by day, and his dreams by night" did not, as was
expected, call the day on which Valentine had his interview with
Baven. On the following morning, however, having been informed
that Raven had expressed a wish to see him, he did call, and found
him in unusually high spirits. He had just received a letter, it
appeared, dated from a vessel which had that morning sailed. He did
not, however, enter into the subject of this letter ; but he seemed to feel
that the whole of his troubles were at an end, and shook the hand of
Uncle John vriih extraordinary warmth.
*' My friend," he exclaimed, '^ we shall not sink beneath this blow
now."
^' I hope not," said Undo John ^* I hope not."
*' It must all be forgotten, my friend, it must all be forgotten. We
have had these aristocratic miserables too long. We must now turn
and dwell upon the prospect before us."
'^ I am ffiad to pexoeive," said Uncle John, ^^ that you have come to
that viise determination."
^'A weight/' cried Raven, striking his breast with violence; ^'a
dead weight has been removed, and I feel myself again. Oh, my
friend, you don't know what I have suffered ; you can't know : but as
Valentine says the marriage-day must not be one of gloom, it shall
not be ; it shall be a joyous day. I have not felt so happy for years !"
VALENTINE VOX. 509
^^ I am right glad to' hear it !" said Uncle John, ^^ I hope smcerely
that that happiness will be lastii^/'
*' It's sure to be now/' said Raven ; ^' quite suxe to be now ! Bat
to business/' he added, and he proceeded to open a secret drawer in his
desk, and to deposit the letter therein.
It was perfectly evident to Uncle John that something had happened
more than Raven cared to explain. He felt sure that the fact of the
marriage-biy having been fixed again, had not alone elated him thus
Since the day of the recognition, he had been a wretched being ; he
had kept himself almost entirely secluded, and had worn the aspect of
a miserable man : yet now he was in raptures ; his eyes sparkled with
pleasure, and he spoke of happiness, as if he had then felt it for the
first time. In the judgment of Undo John there was fiur more in this
than appeared, seeing that Raven had not dined, and therefore could not
be supposed to have been under the influence of wine. However, he
felt that he had no right to pry into the matter, and that as no expk-^
nation was oflered, it was a thing which Raven had no desire to
explain.
" Valentine," said Raven, having settled himself down, ^' has in-
formed you, of course, that his marriage has been fixed for the
fifteenth ?"
" Yes ; that is to say, this day week."
^ Precisely. Well then, my friend, this day week must be a day of
perfect happiness; and as happiness must be the prominent feature,
what can be done to secure it?"
" Why," replied Uncle John, deliberately, '^ I don't exactly see that
we can do much more towards the accomplishment of that object, than
we have done already !"
^'I have done nothing. I want to do something. I must do some*
thing. WAat can I do ?"
^^ I really don't know what you can do ! I know of nothing that
requires to be done. There is everything prepared for them every-
thing! As far as their own personal happiness is concerned, it of
course depends now lipon themselves ; we have at least the satisfac-
tion of knowing that we have done all we could to promote it."
'^ You have that satisfaction ; but I have not. I have as yet done
absolutely nothing. I wish you would suggest something. What
can I do r
" Well now, do you know," said Uncle John, " you couldn't possibly
have asked me a more puasding question I"
^^ Of course the transfer of the sum we before fixed upon has been
arranged, and the little marriage presents have been prepared, and so
on. It strikes me, however, still, that I ought to do something
more !"
** Well, I am sorry I am unable to assist you in deciding upon what
that something is ; for upon my honour, I can't conceive w^at it can
be ! No, my friend, be assured, that nothing more can bo done. We
4d
570 LIFB AND ADYEHTURES OF
Start them fidrly, and I 'should say that few, indeed/ ever had a
brighter prospect of happiness before them."
" That I feel,'' rejoined Raven ; ^' nor have I the smallest doubt of
that prospect being realized. Still I should like, you see, to bring the
a&ir off, as the beggarly aristocracy say, with ielai ! Now let us
put our heads together. How is this to be done V
^ For my own part," said Uncle John, ^' I am inclined to believe the
less dinlay we make the better." %
^'Well, what would you suggest? Some arrangement must be
made. How do you think we ought to proceed ?--on the day I
mean the day of the marriage."
^' Why " said Uncle John, ** I don't know what your views on the
subject may be, nor what arrangements you have in contemplation,
but I would suggest, that on returning from church, we should have
some slight refreshment, and that the young people then should stait off
to spend the honeymoon, leaving us happy in viewing the prospect of
their happiness, and in the conviction of having done our duty."
^^ What, then, are we two old fogies to be left dreaming at
home r
*^ I dare say that they would rather be without us than with us !"
** Well now, do you know, I don't think so ! I think that they
would enjoy themselves more if we were all to be actively happy
together. The consciousness of having performed one's duty is all very
weU, and very pleasing ; but that is not exactly the thing : it do^n*t
meet my views of what a wedding-day ought to be at au. My im-
pression is, and always has been, that on such a day as that, we ought
not to be becalmed ! It ought to be a joyous day ; a merry day a
day upon which we can all cune, drink, and be jolly together !*'
'* Well, what do you propose V
^^ Why, to act upon your suggestion in all but one point. Let them
leave by all means to pass the hone3rmoon at Brighton, or wherever
else they may please : they shall have my carriage and four, or six if
they like : immediately after the ceremony let them be off 1 But let
us go with them. Let us start immediately after them : let us race
them down ; let us have a joyous, glorious day of it ; and a glorious
night too !*'
'^ Well, of course,'' said Undo John, *' I can have no objection. I
should like to be with them."
" Of course you would ! I know you would ! Why should they
go mopmg down there alone ?"
^^ They would not be exactly alone ; they would have the brides*
maids and the old lady, an d "
^^ What are they ? What can they do ? How can they of them-
selves form a really happy party? They have all the elements of
happiness in them, but they want a couple of young fellows like us io
inspire them with spirit. Just imagine the party down there. There
they are, after a fifty miles' ride, say, at dinner. There's oidy one mas
amongst the lot, and that man's the bridegroom. Why, what can he
TALENTINB VOX* 571
do with them ? How can he keep them from sighing themselves down
into a state of sentimental misery ? He can't do it ! Ill defy him to
do it. But even if he eould, look at him, mark his position.
Give him the best of it ; say that the dinner passed off weU, and that
they were all full of gaiety and joy, which of course they wouldn't be,
but say that they were. Well, an hour after dinner the women retire
of course they retire, and when they do, look at him I There's a
lively position for a bridegroom to be placed in \ there's jollity I
there's joy ! He sits there, silently sipping his wine; not a creature to
speak to ; perfectly alone. Why such a position is monstrous for a
man to be placed in at such a time as that. Come, let ns go with
them."
^' Oh ! with all my heart !" said Uncle John, ^' I should enjoy it ;
but I didn't know how tax such a course might be correct."
'^Why, you see, our arrangements wouldn't interfere with theirs.
Besides, why should we follow the beggarly aristocratic fashion of di-
viding families at the very time they ought especially to be together ?
Let us accompany them. I am sure fliat they wUl be much more
happy with us than without us. They are sure to be merry then ; but
if we let them go alone, my firiend, mark my words^ neither for them
nor for us, will it be a joyous day.''
^^ Well, then, let it be so ; let us all go together. There can be no
doubt about our being more merry in that case."
^' None, whatever. You see I'm not one of your beggarly aristo*
cracy ; I haven't fifty thousand dowagers, and toadies, and hangers-on
to give a sumptuous dinner to on such an occasion ; with the exception
of yourself, there's scarcely a man whom I'd care to break bread with
in any place, much less at my own table; and although I have no
doubt that you and I should enjoy ourselves, and be in a measure jolly,
it wouldn't, it couldn't come up within a mile of my notions of what
ought to be the glorious characteristics of a wedding-day. As, there-
fore, you are wiUing to fall into my views, I would suggest that it .be
proposed to the young people, who wUl agree, I know, to anything
of the kind, ^that immediately after the ceremony which ought to be
over early, say ten ^they take my carriage and four horses, and start,
say for Brighton, in the lively expectation of being passed by ns on the
road ; that we drive there all together, and then stop a week or a month,
or in fact, just as long as we tmnk proper."
'' Very good," said Uncle John. ** And if the bride and bridegroom
wish to leave us after a few days, why they can start off and go where
they please."
'^ Exactly ! They may start the next day if they like. All I am
anxious for is, that we may have the wedding dinner together."
Very well. It was decided that this plan should be proposed forth-
with both to Valentine and Louise, and Uncle John was deputed to
make the proposition, before he left the house, which he did, and
they were both much delighted.
Valentine, however, was not exactly at ease ; he had nothing to do ;
57^ LIFE AND ABTEmnmlES OP
all were busy but him, and they would not allow bim to aasist them.
Ho could scarcely be said to be uncomfortable, or annoyed, but he felt
fidgetty and impatient, and looked at his watch very often, and walked
about without an object in a word, he Mras unsettled.
Such being the case, having plenty of time for thought, he conceived
the idea of getting up a dinner at the house, that Louise might officiate
as mistress before tier time. He thought that under the circamstaoces
it would tell extremely well, more particularly as they should not be
able to give a dinner there for some considerable time, and therefore as
nil kind of restraint had worn away, for the party to be invited
folt as if they were already one family, he named the subject to
Uncle John immediately after he had communicated the result of his
interview with Raven, and that gentleman not only had no objection
to the course proposed, but applauded the notion highly, as one calca-
latcd to be a source of great* amusement and delight. The next stq)
was to obtain the consent of Louise, and with that view Valentine
returned to her at once.
*' My love !" said he, ^' I want you to be my wife before we are
married."
" Oh ! of course," said Louise, with a playful expression, ^ by all
means. What have you got for me to do ? I have not much time yon
know to spare; but I'll do it if I can. What is it?"
'* Why, I am anxious that we should give a party at our house to-
morrow, in which case you, of course, must be there to receive our
guests,"
" We 9 Of course you mean that you and your undo will give a
party V
'^ No ; I mean that you and I should give the party, Louise."
"What, already?"
" Aye! a sort of preliminary party, just to let them know what wc
can do."
" But will it be correct V
*^ I should say that there will be nothing at all inconect about it"
" Oh, well, if you think that, I should enjoy it amarangly. Oh !
it will be glorious ! the idea is so new. I am sure that it ts
yours. I need not ask you that. Did you ever hear of. such a thing
before ?"
" I confess that I never did ; but I don't see why that should prevent
us from doing it !"
*' By no means. On the contrary, it will be all tlie better. I shall
enjoy it the more. The novelty of the thing will be delightful ! But
understand, sir, I must not be teased too much. Oh ! my Yalcntine,
do not suppose that I am inclined to treat the great subject of our mar-
riage with levity. Indeed, indeed, I am not ; but I am so happy !
oh, 90 happy ! I feel that the time is past for it to be neoessaiy to
conceal my feelings from you."
" My own Louise I" exclaimed Valentine, with fervour, " 1 know
that the native purity of your heart is to be equalled only by the cor-
TiLENTINE VOX* 5^3
rectness of your mind. Fear not, my love, that I can entertain a
thought ^'hich can tend to diminish my estimation of either. My
object in proposing this is to render you, if possible, more happy
still !"
'^ I know it ; I feel it, oh, believe me I am quite sure of that.
Well "well !* she added, playfully, " and whom shidl we invite ?"
^^ Why, it must, of course, under the circumstances, be confined to
ourselves."
" Why, of coarse ! What a silly thing I am I Well, then, let me
see, there'll be papa, and oh ! six altogether. Well, have you any
invitation cards ? If not, I have some beauties ! they have been
printed ^perhaps more than a thousand years I can't say: at all
events we have had them ever since we came here, and not one of them
has ever been, by any chance, used. I'll eo and hunt them up imme-
diately. Qet the envelopes ready, and well despatch them at
once."
Louise then ran for the cards, and on her return they were pre-
pared and enclosed ; and when Valentine went to the house with the
view of eiving the necessary instructions for the dinner, he despatched
them with all due formality, by one of his own servants.
This, as Valentine expected, delighted them all ; but not one of them
was so much delighted as Raven. He was in ecstacies ! He declared to
Uncle John confidentially for ho spoke to no one else on the subject
that it was, beyond every species of doubt, the best thing he ever
heard of.
*^ We must go full dressed," said he. ^^ What can we wear to asto-
nish them ? "Let me see. That, perhaps, does'nt much matter ; but
we must go full dressed. We must keep the thing up. We must do
it in style. Ill call for you in the carriage at a quarter to six."
The thing being thus arranged, he did call with the Widow and
Llewellen, and when Uncle John had joined them, they proceeded full
of life and spirits to the house, where Valentine and Louise, vrith due
dignity, received them.
Valentine had ordered the best dinner that could be, on so short
a notice prepared ; leaving the thing, of course, entirely to the cook.
But although it was really excellent, the dinner itself was quite a
secondary consideration with them : it was the fact of their having been
thus invited which rendered their enjoyment so rich, for they really
were in raptures the whole of the evening, and left inspired with the
highest and purest delight.
On the following morning, however, as Valentine and Louise were
in the drawing-room, conversing in a most happy strain, each pointing
out to the other the various bright little features of the prospect in
view, which had before been overlooked or indistinctly perceived, a
coach drove up to the door, and Whitely, with an expression of mingled
pleasure and indignation, alighted.
'^ Good gracious 1" exclaimed Louise, as her heart sank within
her. *^ What can be about to happen now !"
574 LIFB AKD ADVENTURES OP
^' Be calm, my sweetest girl ; be composed/ Vsaid Yalentine.
*^ Look !" she exclaimed, starting, and buisting into tears, as Joseph
also alighted. " Yalentine ! Valentine ! ^my deaiest love ! Some
dreadful mystery is about to be revealed I"
** My Louise ! Come, come, my sweetest I- Oouiage I Why inspire
these fears on speculation, my love ?"
** What can they want here ?"
^* Oh ! Whitely may be dissatisfied ; he may wish to have the tenns
of his engagement slightly altered a thousand things may have oc-
curred to mduce him to caU."
^^ But why brine that man with him ? Oh, my Valentine! I can-
not but anticipate tne disclosure of some dreadful secret/'
^' Well, my Louise, let it be disclosed ; and let us meet it boldly,
whatever it may be; not tremblingly sink beneath it, as if a con-
sciousness of guilt made us imbecUe. Be firm, my Louise ; I know
that you can be firm ; let it come ! Let it be even tlie worst
that can befall us, my love, it shall not subdue us without a struggle.
But, my girl, it may be nothing of unportance after all ! Come, kt us
wait the result of this interview with patience."
By this time Whitely and his companion had been shown into the
parlour. The latter was unknown to his successor, who therefore
made no distinction between them, but bowed to both as he left to
take Whitely's card to Raven, who was at the time in a pleasing
reverie, aknost buried in an easy chair.
The very moment, however. Raven saw the card, he started, and
turned pale as death, and then fixed his eyes wildly upon the carpet,
until after a time he seemed to become again conscious of the pre-
sence of the servant, when he made a strong effort to rally.
'^ This person," said he, waving his hand, and affecting an air of
supreme indifference, "may walk up. Be 9k' man!" he continued,
muttering to himself when the servant had left him. " Display the
spirit of a man ! What have I now to fear ? What danger is there
now V
He rose, and struck his breast, and breathed deeply, and
tried to subdue every feeling of fear, and succeeded at least in recover-
ing his apparent firmness by the time Whitely was ushered into the
room.
*' Well, sir !'' said Raven, with marked deliberation, ^ and what is
your business with me V*
Whitely stood and looked at him fiercely for a moment, and then said
with a sarcastic smile, ^^ Are you at all astonished to see me V*
" I am," replied Raven. " I am astonished. I thought that you
were to annoy me no more V
" I did undertake to annoy you no more ; but with this proviso, that
if at any time I discovered that you had not dealt foiriy and openly
with me, the undertaking should be cancdled. I have discovered this ;
I have diiseovered "
** Well^ sir ! what have you discovered ?"
YALENTINB VOX. 575
^* That 70a are a more conBummate villain than I even euppoeed you
to be before."
*^ Sir r shouted Raven, as he rose from his seat fiercely, ^^ I can
endure much: I have endured much; but if you suppose that I
am to be trampled upon, you are deceived. Have you come here
expressly to insult me ? Is that your onlff object in coming ?"
*'^ No 1" replied Whitely ; ^' my object in coming here is to claim my
children ! my children ! villain I"
At this moment Yalentiney Llewdlen, and Louise, rushed into the
room.
^^ What in the name of Heaven is all this V demanded Yalentme,
as Louise flew to Haven, and tried to calm him. ^^What does it
mean?"
He is a madman !" cried Raven, ** A madman !*'
What M this?" said Valentine, addressing Whitely. " Why,
why are you here ? Is it fair ^is it just when the thing was under-
stood to have been for ever at an end r'
'^ Valentine," said Whitely, looking at him vrith a most intense
expression, " I respect you : I always have respected you highly !- do
not destroy that respect by interfering hotly in this matter while in
ignorance of its merits. I have come to claim my children ! They are
here I These are my children !"
The effect produced by this announcement was electric. A thrill ran
through the veins of them all ; but Louise clung still more closely to
Raven, who again and again declared that Whitely was mad.
'^ No !" cried Whitely, '' I am not mad. They are my children.
They know me not ; of course they do not know me, although there
vras a time but that is passed.*'
" Mr. Whitely," said Valentine, ^' are you acting advisedly in this
matter ^What proof have you T
^' Aye l" cried Raven, *^ what proof has he ? Let him produce his
proof!"
^* I hafoe proof ample proof; and toiU produce it !" cried Whitely,
who instantly rushed from the room.
During his absence not a syllable vras spoken. They were dumb
vdth amazement, and remained in a state of breathless suspense until he
returned with his witness.
The very instant Raven saw this man, he started, and looked at him
as if he had been a spectre.
^' Don't you know me ?" said the fellow, with a sneer.
" DevU r cried Raven, " is it you ?"
^* It's nobody else ! What, yoifre caught then at last ! You
thought I was off to America, didn't you ? I hope you received my
affectionate epistle, because "
*' Silence, fellow !" cried Valentine.
" FeUow I"
^^ Aye, fellow ! State what you know of this matter, and no
more."
576 l-IF* -^^^ ADVENTURES OP
" I shall have my levence od every one of you, before Tve done
with you, it strikes me. I owe you ail a gruc^, tlie whole set of
you !"
" Now," said Whitely, " suppress whatever feeling of enmity or
anger you may have, and answer me distinctly, and with truth.
There stands ^Miss Raven,' there *Mr. Uewellen;' whose children
are they ?"
" Yours !"
Here Raven rose suddenly, as if about to seize the witness, who
placmg his foot against the door, cried, " Come, keep off ! keep off !
I know what you^ up to ; I won't be turned out !"
" No one wishes to turn you out," said Valentine.
" Don't they ! I don't want nothing from you. I speak nothing
but the truth, and he knows it! and that's what cuts him to the
** Now, sir," sidd Whitely, " attend to me : You say that these are
my children T* ^ ^^
" Of course they are, and he knows it.
*' State how you know them to be mine."
" Why, wasn't I with 'em when they were in&nts, and haven't I
been with 'em all along ? Whose should they be ? He never had no
children. He never had no wife, but your wife which died of a broken
heart ; and didn't she take 'em with her when she left home ? I can't
be mistaken in 'em, it strikes me !"
^^ Have you no other proof than this man's word V enquired Valen-
tine. *' Are you yourself sure that he has not invented this tale for
the gratification of some malicious feeling ?"
" Certain," replied Whitely.
^ Of course, he is certain !" cried the man. ^^ And if he wasn't, I
could make him. It don't depend upon me ; if it did, he*d stand me
out in it. I can produce both documents and witnesses ; but look at
him ! That '11 tell you whether what I say is truth or not. Only look
at him ! That's quite enough I He hasn't got so much as the face
to say they're his. He knows that what I say is right He don't
deny it; he hasn't denied it yet. Let him deny it, that's all ! Let
him deny it I"
" Father !" exclaimed Louise, in agony. " Father ! I feel that yon
are my father still ; you have always been like a &ther to me ; is it
no ! ^I'll not believe it."
" Let him deny it ! Let him deny it !"
** Say but one word," cried Louise ; '^ but one word to silence for ever
this slanderous man. Is it true V
Raven sank into his chair, exclaiming, ^^ My dear child, it is 3"
ALBNTINB VOX. 577
CHAPTER LXVII.
nf iHIOH A YARIETT OF MATTBRS ARB BXPIiAIlfBD.
Ab ibis oonfeeston at onoe sealed the lipa of incredulity albeit Louiae
dung to Raven stiU as if she felt it even then to be impossible
Valentine, whom nothing could deprive of self-possession, on the
instant begged of Whitelj to retire with him, in order that the effects
of the sudden disclosure might in some deme subside before any other
decisive steps were taken. To this Whitdy consented, and they quit-
ted the room, leaving Louise with her &oe buried in her hands by
the side of Raven, who appeared to have reached the very depths
of despair, while LJewellen stood at his back, as motionless as if he
had beien absolutely petrified.
On reaching the drawing-room, Yalentine and Whitely, with the
view of consictering what course would be the best to pursue under the
drcumstances, drew to the table, while the sentimental Joseph, in order
to listen without being suspected, went to one of the windows, where,
having drawn a hymn-book firom his pocket, he seemed to be lost in
religious contempLeition.
" Well," said Valentine, *' of course there can be no doubt now
about the correctness of that which this man has disclosed, Raven him-
self havine admitted it to be true : the only question therefore is, what
is best to be done ?"
^' That is the only question," sud Whitely; *^ I vrish to do nothing
with rashness nothing without due consideration.''
^^ I am sure of it : I am also sure that, however great may be your
contempt for the fimlings of Raven, you will avoid doing an3rthing
which may inflict an adcutional wound upon those of poor CDuise."
'^ I am of course anjdous, most anxious, to act with strict regard to
the feeHngs of my own dear child," said Whitely.
*' Bemg quite certain of that," rejoined Valentine, *' it is with con-
fidence I suggest that the immediate departure of Louise firom this
house ought not to be insisted upon."
^' What I" exclaimed Whitely, ^* leave her here, and that with the
wretch who would have kept her for ever from me?"
*' For the present! ^until i^e becomes more calm 1 ^until matters can
be arranged ! You would not surely insist upon her leaving at onoe,
without having time allowed to make the slightest preparation ? But
I wish you wotdd speak with my uncle on the subject. Will you re-
main here till he comes ? I will send for him instantly."
*^ 111 wait for him with pleasure. Before I act in this matter I'd
rather, much rather see him."
Valentine therefore rang the bell, and having written a hasty note to
his ancle, requesting him to come without a moment's delay, he denred
the servant to take it with all possible speed, it being a matter of the
highest importance.
4 R
578 LIFB AND ADVENTURES OF
While the servant was waiting for this note be caught sight of the
sentimental Joseph^-notwithstanding that pions individual was so deep
in the beautiful spirit of his hymns that he kept the book strictly up
to his eyes, that those organs might not vainly wander and haiiDg
become assured of its being the Joseph and no one but the Joseph, be
took the note, and promised to make all possible haste ; but before he
left the house, he communicated what be had seen to the rest of the
servants^ who undertook to keep a remarkably sharp look-out till he
returned.
Valentine, as soon as the note had been despatched, begged Whitety
to excuse him, and returned to Louise, whom he found in tears on the
8ofi& with Llewellen, while Raven, with his hand over his eyes, still
sat in his easy chair motionless.
^* This," said Louise, extending her hand to Valentine as he entered,
** Oh ! this is a heavy blow indeed !"
^ It is," returned Valentine, as he approached and sat beside her;
^^ it is a heavy blow, my dearest girl ; but we must not sink beneath
even this."
Louise moved her head mournfully, and sighed.
*' Courage, my own Louise, courage {" continued Valentine. '^ Retire
for the present ; come, let us seek my mother : with her you will be
more calm : come ! come !"
He raised her from the sofa, and led her gently^to the door, but they
had no sooner reached it than Raven cried, ^' Louise !" when on the
instant she turned and flew into the arms extended to receive her, ex-
claiming, " My father ! Oh, be my father still !"
For some time she remained clasped in Raven's arms, but neither
uttered, nor attempted to utter, another word : she sobbed aloud, while
the tears gushed down his furrowed cheeks, and they both seemed to
endure the most intense mental anguish.
At length Valentine approached with the view of prevailing upon
them to separate until they had become more tranquil, and eventually
succeeded in inducing them to do so, having declared again and agaia
that he would not allow Louise to be taken abruptly from the house.
^^ I rely with the utmost confidence upon you," said Raven. ^' I feel
that whatever I may be, or may appear for I appear, in thb case, to
be worse than I am you vnll not sufier her to be torn from me
yet."
Valentine repeated his assurance, and left the room with Louise.
The widow had heard nothing of this revelation. She had indeed
been informed by one of the servants that there had been something
of a stir ; but of the cause she continued to be in the most perfect
ignorance until Valentine explained it on bringing up Louise. How
great her surprise was then may be imagined. She confSessed that she
m reality kndw neither what to think nor what to say, and when
Valentine had intimated to her that, until the whole matter had been
explained, the less she thought and said about it the better, he left her
and Louise, to rejoin Whitely and his pseudo-sentimental companion.
On the stairs, however, he encountered LleweUen, who was in a truly
TALBNTINB VOX. 579
wretched state. Tlie whole of his mtelleotual faculties appeared to he
deranged : he looked like a morally disorganized man.
(^ My tear poy," said he, '^ here's a plesset pnsiness ! here's ttxnngs
and cootness knows it ! Putt phot's to pe tun, my poy, phot's to be
tun ? Too step here, ant just tell me phot hur'm to too."
Here he took the arm of Yabntine, and having led him into an
apartment with an expression of vacant wonder, resumed :-^
"" Now phot's to pe tun ? How am hur to act ? Phot can hur too,
look you ? I never tit ! ^ oh I my tear poy, too tell me how hur'm to
proceet."
^^ Have patience for a short time, Fred, and I shall know how to
advise you. At present there is but one thing I feel myself justified in
recommending you to do, and that is to keep silent."
'^ Putt it IS such a pusiness 1 Am hur pount to pelieve that Mr.
Phitely is really my father V
'* Why, I think there can be but little doubt about it now."
^' Well, putt intect, now, look you, cootness knows, it will pe so
very ott to call him father, inteet !"
** I have no doubt it will seem rather strange at first ; but you will
soon get accustomed to that."
'* Very coot, my poy ; putt hur'll not pelieve it ! Have'nt bur an-
other father town at Caermarthen ?"
'^ I should say that the chances are, if Mr. Whitely be your father,
that you have not."
^* Putt hur ton't pelieve that he is mj father. Hur'll write town to
Caermarthen by this plesset tay's post, and ask my own father ^that is,
my father Llewellen phethcr he is my father or not. If he says that he
is, hur shall know phot to too: hur'll not pelieve Phitely, nor ten
thousant Phitelys pcsites! Hur'll write town this plesset tay, look
you!"
** Wait, my dear fellow ; have patience," said Valentine ; " at least
for a day or two wait."
" Well, welli if you think it will pe petter to wait, phy hur^ll too
80."
'^ Before the day is at an end, we shall doubtless know more, much
more than we do now."
" Very well ; then hur'll tefcr writing, look you ; putt hur ton't
inteet like to pe pount to pelieve that any potty's my father that
chooses to say so without any particle of proof, ant cootness knows it.
Putt hur say, my poy," he added, vrith a singular expression, *' phot a
very troll co it wiU pe if Louey thoot pe my sister ! hur say, if she
ahooti If that phere all, look you, hur shootn't care a pit apout
that, for hur always tit love Louey toarly ; putt hur won t pelieve
Phitely's my father pecause hur shootn't mint if Louey phere my
aster."
" No, that would be scarcely worth while. I confess to you that at
present I have very litUe doubt about it myself ; but we shall see. In
a few hours the thing will be placed beyond dispute."
A coach at this moment drew up to the door, with the servant who
580 UFB AND DTEMTURES OF
bad been sent for Unde Jobn upon tbe box. ^ Now," cried
'^ we shall soon know all. Here is my nnole. I most go and explain
to him before be sees Whitely; but immediatdy after our interview H
let you know, Fred, precisely how tbe matter stands."
He then ran down, and met Unde John in the ball, and having led
him into the parlour, related what bad occurred with all poenble brevity.
Uncle John was astounded at the intellisence*
^* Is it posnble !" he exclaimed, ^ is it possible ! Is it^ean it be
possible! Whitdy^s children ^not his! He has hot kept fiuth with me;
I've been deceived ! He led me to belieYo What could be bis motive I
Not hiS| but Whitd^'s children, after aU 1 Are they together T
^^ No. Whitdy is in the drawing-room with ihe man whom he
brought as a witness. He is waiting to see you. I bmped of him to
do so, being anxious for you to prevail upon him not to insist upon the
immediate removal of Louise, because, as that mu9i not be, lus refoad
to consent may create a disturbance which it would be of course better
to avoid."
^* Of course, my boy ; of course : yes, I^ go to him at oncew Come
with me. Bad conduct; bad, vezy bad conduct."
They now reached the drawing-room, and Whitdy rose to meet
Unde John as he entered, and they shook hands with all their wonted
warmth.
^^ Why, my friend," said Unde John, wiping his brow with grest
enersy, the perspiration the intelligence bad caused being TCiy profiue^
** I have been amaaoed !-*absolutely amaxed 1"
^^ And well you may be," cried Whitdy, *^ well you may be amaied;
but not at the falsehood of a villain !~Htio, that is not aroaadng I"
^^ I couldn't have believed it !" rejomed Uncle John ; ^ I redlj
couldn't have bdieved it !"
*' I don't see that we had any right to expect that what be stated
was the truth. It is now, however, usdess to dwdl upon that The
Juestion is, having (thank Heaven I) discovered my children, how am
to proceed ? As I explained to Valentine, I vvish to do nothing
rashly. Before I act^ I am, therefore, anxious to have your
advice."
^* Upon my word/' said Unde John, ^ I scarcdy fed competent to
five any advice at all ; I seem bewildered ; the thing appears hke a
ream. Did Raven himself enter into any explanation ?"
^*' Not the slightest ; nor was any explanation demanded. It was
8uELcient for me that he confessed that tbe children were mine."
*^ But I cannot conceive what induced him to widi to keep them
from you! What object could be have! what motive! Until I
have some explanation from him, I shall not fed myself justified ia
advising you how to act. You are not I hope in baste ; let me go to
him at once and hear what be has to say upon the subject. I shall then
bo better able to judge. ShaU I do so ?"
^* By all means if yon wish it," replied Whitdy, *^ I am in no 8(t
of haste, I can wait."
" 111 detain you but a very short time/' said Unde John ; IH be
TALBNTINE VOX. 681
back 80 soon as possible. Yalentine, zemain with Mr. Whitely till I
xotnni.
He then left them, and after havuiff sent to Raven to request an
immediate interview, which was granted, he proceeded to the room in
which the secret had been revealed, and in which he found Raven
apparently half dead.
Their meeting was awkward. Raven himself seemed ashamed to
advance, while Uncle John felt that if he offered his hand as a friend
he shoidd be a h3rpocrite. They therefore regarded each other with
coldness ; but Uncle John, the very moment he had taken a chair, said
** My good friend, how came you to mislead, to deceive me ? While
conducting the arrangement which it gave me great pleasure to con-
duct, I did expect, I had a right to expect, that acting as I was in the
capacity of friend to both parties, both parties womd treat me with
fairness and candour. I am however sorry to find that you were not
candid with me that you induced me to believe that which has been
proved to be false."
'^ It is true," said Raven, ^' that although I was guilty of no direct
falsehood, I led yon to believe, when I said that I womd not, that I
meant that I could not give any information on the subject of the
children: that I admit, and I was prompted to this species of prevarica-
tion by a most powerful motive ; but as I have ever regarded you as
one who would scorn to press heavily upon a fisdlen man, harshness
from you is what I did not expect : it is, sir, a thing which I will not
endure."
'' I have no desire to be harsh," said Uncle John ; '^ I have no right
to be harsh ; but I have a right, when a man misleads me, to let him
know that I feel myself aggrieved."
^' Even assuming that you have this right," rejoined Raven, ^^ is it
correct, is it generous to exerdse it just as you see a man's spirit
broken down ?
'^ Ueaven forbid that I should augment any man's affliction,
but-"
'^ Had I been lost," resumed Raven, ^' to every sense of generosity
and of justice, or dead to every virtuous feeling, viewing the world as it
is, and like a man of the world holding its opinion in contempt ; all this
would have been avoided. I should not have been placed in so humi-
liating a position ; but as by virtue of endeavouring to conciliate those
who never could be conciliated, instead of putting at onoe a bold &oe
upon the matter, and setting them at defiance 3 am in this position,
unkindness at the hands of those from whom I expected friendly advice
and assistance, has a tendency to make me callous and to incline me to
treat the world, as the world treats me, with disdain.''
^' Mr. Raven," said Uncle John gravely, ^^ I do not think that yon
will fed yourself justified in saying iat I ever behaved in an unfriendly
manner towards you."
*^ It is unfriendly to speak with harshness to me at such a time as
thb. At any other time I could have borne it. It is only when a
man b in an extremity that he needs a friend, and that is precisely the
582 LIFB AKD ADTBNTURBS OF
time when he finds himself deserted. All that I have done siooe tbe
first false step was taken the whole world may know ; with that mngk
exception there is no act of mine of which I need be ashamed, baring
been prompted by generosity on the one hand, and on tbe other by Uie
purest affection. However I have no wish to explain ; I find that all
are against me."
^' I am not against jou ; none who were previously for yon are
against you. I spoke to you on the subject rather sternly I admit ; but
why ? not because I wished to be against you, but solely because I
conceived it to be a pity that you were not more ingenuous, more
candid."
*'*' I was as candid as under the circumstances I could be, or at least
could feel myself justified in being. The fact of those children being
Wiiitely's I wished from my heart to conceal. I promised her who wu
their mother ^I promised her on her death-bed that I would keep from
them all knowledge of her shame, and for ever would it have been kept
from them, had it not been for that atrocious hypocritical vilhun
whom I have pampered for years, and who of course sold the seati
after having sworn solemnly to preserve it in consideration of mj
having given him a sum sufficient to keep him independent for lifis."
*' Then," said Unde John, ^* their mother is dead?"
*' Yes, she died soon, very soon after she left her husband; for
although she had every possible comfort, and was treated by me with
the utmost tenderness and affection, the step she had taken weighed so
heavily upon her heart, that it was not long before that heart was
broken. Her children I loved as dearly as if they had been nj
own, and had they been my own they oould not have displayed a
greater affection for me. That dear girl, Louise, was especially foinl
of me : I need not add that I doated upon her, I doat upon her still ;
I love her vnth all the fond intensity of an affectionate fiither, and must
continue thus to love her till I sink into the grave. 8he has been more
than a child to me; she has been an angel! May the angels hover
round and protect her for ever! Oh, my friend, it may have been
thought that my commerce with the world would have destroyed the
best feelings of my nature; but if you knew how purely, how devotedly
I love that affectionate girl, you would not be surprised at my having
descended to prevarication in order that she might still be, in her view,
as well as in the view of the world in general, my own dear child. As
my own I have cherished her fondly, tenderly : she was my comfort, the
fountain of my joy : it was my delight, and the highest delight I ever
experienced to promote her happiness ; and yet on the very eve of
my pleasurable task being perfected just as that happiness 'was about
to be permanently secured, she is proclaimed to be not my own child,
and torn from me for ever I It is this which afflicts me beyond the
power of expression. Nothing could have afflicted me more; no cala-
mity which could have be&llen me could have struck so deeply into vnj
heart, for I now feel completely alone in the world, deprived for ever of
her who was my solace- my child !**
Here Raven was much affected, and so indeed was Uncle John, who,
VALBNTINB VOX. 583
scarcely knowing what to say, remained silent. At length Raven, with
considerable emotion, resumed :
*^ It may have been wrong," said he, " nay, I cannot bnt feel it to
have been wrong, very wrong, even to wish to conceal those children
from their father. I cannot justify myself^ nor can I on any grounds
be justified ; still, in extenuation, it may be said that I did not conceal
them wantonly, or with any cruel aim, my object for such concealment
besides that of fostering that fond devoted girl as my own ^being the
performance of my promise to her broken-hearted mother, that her
children should if possible be kept for ever in utter ignorance of her
dbgrace. This was the great object I had in view, and that object
would assuredly have been attained, had it not been for the treachery of
that pernicious miscreant. But the die is cast I am alone !"
Raven again paused, but Uncle John still knew not what to say.
He could not tell what Raven really was. He could not believe him
to be an absolutely heartless villain ; for, notwithstanding his conduct
towards Whitely himself had been villanous in the extreme, he, in the
view of Uncle John, had certain redeeming points, to which he was not
indisposed to attach due weiglit. He therefore did not feel justified in
saying anything which could be construed into an opinion upon the
subject ; but, at length, finding that Raven was not about to proceed,
he, conniving that he ought to say something on the occasion, inquired
why Fred had in infancy been separated from Louise.
^' I parted them," said Raven, *' I brought them up, not as brother
and sister, but as cousins, in order that the secret might be the more
effectually preserved. I regarded it as being highly probable that when
Fred became a man his curiosity would prompt him to go back, with
the view of ascertaining certain matters having reference to their origin,
which Louise would not think of herself, or if she did, she would not
have those facilities which would be at his command. I therefore sent
him into Wales, and placed him under the care of a kind, quiet creature,
who brought him up as his own son, and a good fellow he has made of
him ; a better hearted boy never breathed : still the loss of him, my
friend, I could endure : I have not, of course, those feelings for him
that I have for Louise ; she has ever been with me, she has ever been
my joy, my sweet companion, my pride ; I cannot bear to part witli
her : I feel that I shall not long survive it ; but at all events she must
not be torn from me yet."
*^ We shall be able to arrange that, I have no doubt," said Undo
John. *^ Valentine has already spoken to Whitely on the subject. I'll
return to him, and urge it still further. I think that I may say you
may be sure that that at least will be arranged."
" Now that I am in your hands again," observed Raven, ^^ my
mind is more at ease. You will do the best you can for me, I
know."
*^ All that can be done shall be done, be assured of that. I will go
at onoe, and make the best arrangement I can."
Uncle John then returned to the drawing-room, where Valentine and
Whitely were still engaged in earnest conversation, while the sly senti-
584 LIFB AND ADTBfTUKBB OF
meotelitfc, with the utmost attention, was listening at the window
the hymn-book in his hand.
It was abundantly evident to Uncle John, as he entered, thai Talen-
tine had been appljrinff the bafan of reason to Whitelj's inflamed
passions with suooessy tor he was pedeotly cahn, and spoke with the
utmost oomposoie.
^ Well, my fnend," said he, when Uncle John had taken a seat be-
side him, ^aie you now in a position to give me advice f
^ I now feel that I am," relied Undo Jdm. *^ But in the fint
place, in order that you may judge for yourself, I'll not only relate the
substance of what passed between us, but will repeat it word for word,
as neady at least as I can remember."
He cQd so: he went through it fiiithfolly: he made no effort to
colour any fiict : the points which rebted to Raven's great affection for
Louise were extremely effective; but that effect was produced without
design.
Whitely was throughout most attentive. He weighed every word.
Sitting in a studious attitude, his head resting upon his band, not a
sin^ mnsde moved, nor did he utter a syllable until Unde John had
concluded, when he exclaimed aloud, ^^ Had he not been the seducer of
my wife, I could have honoured him ! had he taken the children of a
fiJKen woman, not being himself the cause of her fiiU, and thus cherished
them until the feelings of a father had been engendered, I would have
worshipped -aye, worMpped that man ! ^but being the seducer, the
murderer of my wife, his love for them prompts me to hate him the
more ! But I will bo calm I will still be calm ! he has robbed me
of thdr aflfection the dear love of my own children still I will be
calm."
During this burst of passion, brief as it was, the sentimentalist at the
vnndow placed the hjrmn-book upon his knees, and rubbed his hands
in a state of extacy. He was in raptures, and would have gloried in it
had Whitely, in a paroxjrsm of rage, rushed into Raven's room, and
either strangled him or ^bbed him to the heart. Whitely, however,
as if to cut the sentimentalist to the soul, resumed his former attitude,
and after a pause, said, tranquilly, ^^ Well, my friend, what do you
advise?"
^^ Why," replied Unde John, ^ I should say that for the sake of
poor Louise, and for her sake alone, things ought to remain for the pre-
sent as ihey are. You of course would not tink of compelling her to
quit the house at an hour's notice. Under the circumstances, that
would be on your part impolitic, seeing that it might tend to shock her
feelings, and thus to create an imavourable first unpression. No, let
what IS to be done be done gently. For a day or two, say, let no stir
be made in the matter; in the interim, you know, something may
strike us : at ail events, nothing can be gained either by harshness or
precipitation."
^ In that I quite agree with you," said Whitely. ^ Well, my friend,
well 1 I will be advised by you : for the sake of my child. 111 allow
Imt to remain for a day or so, in order-"
ALBKTINE TOX. 585
Toti're a fool, cdr, if yon do, sir !" exclaimed the sentimentalist.
^^ Come here, sir/* said Valentine.
^ D'jer thiiik I'm afeared, then, to comeT cried the fellow, closmg
bis hymn-book^ and bouncing up to the table with great ferocity of
aspect.
Now, sir," said Valentine, " why will Mr. Whitely be a * fool* for
allowing his daughter to remain here for the present?"
** Why will he !" eried the sentimentalist'' why will he ! What!
d'yer think Fd let her stop with him? No, not another hour! I'd
drag her away at onoe ! I'd break his heart ! That would do it ! I
know it ! I'm sure of it I Oh ! I'd let her remain with that son of
Satan! not "
^ Joseph," said Whitely, with much coolness, '* I don*t think that f
shall want you again to-day : you can go now, but let me see you
early in the morning.*
" Very well, sir ! Oh ! very well ; but you take my advice, sir ;
don't you let her stop : if you do, you only study the comfortabilities
of a man which has a soul as never can and never ought to be
saved."
'^ At ten in the morning,'' said Whitely, '' I shall eipect you."
This quiet way of repucuating the advice of the sentimentalist did not
exactly meet his approoation ; ne, notwithstanding, on the instant pre-
pared to depart, and having delivered himself finely of '' Oh ! very
well !" he raised his extensive cravat, and left the room with the air of
an individual slightly offended.
** Is that the man who was formerly in your service ?'* inquired
Uncle John.
^ Yes," replied Whitely, '' and I believe him to be one of the vilest
and most contemptible scoundrels that ever had existence, although in
this case I have been of course compelled to employ him* However,
to revert to the great subject, for to me it is great, indeed all in all, I
am willing to follow your advice, that is to say, III consent to idlow
iny children to remain here a day or two longer, or until they shall
have recovered from the sudden effects of the aisclosure, provided, my
friend, you 'feel sure, quite sure, that there will be nothing like con-
ceahnent."
'* I do feel sure," said Uncle John, ^' to sure, that I would willingly
stake my life that nothing of the sort will be attempted.*'
'^ And so would I," cned Valentine ; '' indeed, I might perhaps be
justified in declaring, in the name of Louise, that if under the eironm-
stances such a proposition were made, it would be spumed."
'' I am satisfied," said Whitely. '' Thus, then, let it be. I shall
probably see you in the course of to-morrow ?"
^^ At any time," replied Uncle John ; *' but if you are not engaged,
let us dine together to-day. Walk home wHh me, and then we can
talk matters quietly over. It will be much better : oome, what say
you?"
Whitely consented, and they almost immediately afterwards left the
house, much to the gratification of Valentine, with whom Whitely
4f
586 LIFE AND ADTEIVTURIB OF
shook hands with unusual wannth, on being acoompamed by him to
the door.
While descending the stain with them, Valentine heard a most an-
gular uproar below ; but the moment they were gone, his ears were
assailed with half-stifled cries of ^^ Murder! ^murder! Fire! ^fiie!
Help ! *help ! ^Fire I*' mingled with certain shouts of indignation and
of derision.
As all this was extremely irregular, Valentine, without the slightest
ceremony, hastened below, and on arriving at the door of the k&hen,
beheld a strikingly effective and deeply interesting scene.
Joseph, the sanctimonious and sentimental Joseph who, on being
dismissed by Whitely, had been silently seized by the servants, who
*nfvere anxious to settle certain matters with him pnvately -was at that
particular period before the fire, between the reflector and the drippbg
utensil, in the central pool of which his devoted smalls had been
immersed ; and while the coachman held him tightly by the collar, and
looked at him very fiercely indeed, the cook shook him with grett
ability with one hand, while with the other she held to his noble least
a sacrificial spit, which rendered it impossible for him, without bong
pierced, to move forward, and as for stepping back ! why, the fire was
yery large, and very dear at the bottom, vmile at the top the flames
ascendea with a roar. It was an affecting sisht. In the Martyrology
of the middle ages, there is nothing at aU like it described. The i&
of an individui^ a tidy individual, an individual, moreover, of soiti-
ment and feeling, being pinned in this position, ^the tails of his respectar
ble coat being scorche^ even after his smalls had been saturated with hot
mutton fat, is appalling; and if the idea, the bare idea, is appalling,
what must the reality have been !
And yet there stood Valentine coolly at the door, while the victim
was being thus roasted behind and assaulted in ront by two creatuiea,
neither of whom had the slightest respect for his feelings, and who were
stimulated by the applause of the butler, the footman, and two houae-
maids, who were absolutely base enough to glory in the scene ! Why,
it was monstrous ! almost as monstrous as the outrage itsdf ! And
why was that outrage committed? Why simply because this
individual had in the plenitude of his poUtoiess undertaken to pay
into a certain Savings' Bank certain sums of money, belonging to those
two creatures, whidi money, while lost in the contempktion of the
world's unrighteousness, he had altogether forgotten to pay in, albeit
every sum, vrithout a single exception, had been entered in their books
with the utmost regularity ! It was for this, forsooth this omission,
this oversight ^that he, a respectable person, was pummelled that ht
was made to sit with white kerseymere smalls, first in a dripping-pan s
well-supplied pool, and then in an adjacent scuttle of coals wat he
was throttled, half-strangled, and shaken, by the coachman, and scari-
fied, nay, almost sacrificS by the cook, while, the perspiration starting
in a state of alann (torn every pore, he was being roasted behind into
actual crackling! Again, it may be said to haVe been an aflecting
sight. It was touching in the extreme to hear him implore them to
i
ALBNTINB VOX. 587
desist. He spoke to them with all the atdour of a righteous man upon
the subject. He besought them for their own dear sakes to give m :
he assured them, with a beautiful expression, that if they did not they
could neyer be saved ; but he couldn't reach their hearts he could
make no impression ; they still kept on, until he caught a glimpse of
Valentine, to whom he on the instant cried aloud for aid.
" Oh ! save me, sir ! save me !" he exclaimed, in the most touching
tones, and with a heart-rending aspect, ** save me, or I drop !"
'' What is all this ?" cried Y alentine, coming forward. ** Why are
you here V
" They dragged me down here, sur ; I didn't come down o' my own
accord."
*^ Well I why do you make so much noise V
^* Oh I they've been a-murdering of me, sir : they've been a-using me
shameful ! They have indeed !
Hereupon the iU-used individual burst very correctly into tears.
*^ What is the meaning of all this V inquired Valentine of the coach-
man. ** What is it all about V
The coachman and the cook on the instant set to work, and ex-
plained it all with amazing clearness, considering they made a duet of it
throughout.
^* You are a scoundrel!" said Valentine, addressing the sentimentalist,
which was highly reprehensible ; but he said, ^ You are a scoundrel !''
and then add^ *^ Do you mean to return this money V
** You haven't heered the merits of the case," cried the grossly ill-
used man, while with a knife he was endeavouring to scrape the
grease off his clothes, and thereby to restore the respectability of his
appearance.
" You received this money to pay in, did you not ?"
" I certingly did."
*^ And you did not pay it in."
" Why, that's where it is that's the point !*
^' Exactly I" said Valentine, " that is the pomt. Instead of putting
it into the bank you put it into your pocket. There's no mistaking
the point I Now, villain, I mean to take this matter entirely into
my own hands. The sum you have thus stolen is twenty-five pounds."
^' I didn't steal it ! nor it aint twenty-five pounds ! But I'll give
'em the twenty-five pounds I Lor bless us ! I aint destitute of twenty-
five pounds !"
** I know that you are not," said Valentine ; " but we shall want a
hundred pounds of you to settie this affair."
" A hundred pounds ! You won't get a hundred pounds out of me
I can tell you."
*' Oh, yes, we shall !" said Valentine. '^ Coachman I I want you to
run to Mr. Whitely "
^^ Mr. Whitely has nothing to do with my private affiuxs."
*^ Oh ! but in this case he will have a little to do with them.
You have a cheque of his now in your possession. That cheque shall
be stopped."
588 LIFB AMD ADVISHTUUBB OF
^ Bat ii Bhall not be stopped! And if it is, I gmi noo^or: I cul
TBOoYer, or, by law."
^ Law I ThMi ia well thoagbt of I an ezoalleiit somsttoa. It w31
be the shorter way. Oh 1 neTsr mind the money. Coachmsn ! letch
me an offioe^.'*
''An officer 1 Whaiforr
'' Mefdy to take }roa into oostody."
^ But Fyo committed no erimel It's dy a debt-^it ain( a rob-
bery!"
^ We shall see what it is^ when we get before the maeistraie; and
since I haye taken the matter in hand, be assured that if it be a tians-
portaUe offence, you ikall be transported. Fetch me an officer.^
^ Oh ! for the loye of ^pno^ sir^ don't send for no officers ! I don't
like officers; I don\ sir, mdeedi sir ! I*U give cook and coachman the
mon^ bade with pleasure."
*^ 1 on shall ffivOi sii*, Mj pounds to each of them. By dung so
only can you inwice me not to proceed according to law/'
'' But fifty pounds a-piece, that is to say, a hundred pounds sir, con-
sider, sir, what ai| enormity l**
*' Well ! it is not of much importance. It will be better that joa
should psy in person, perhaps, after all."
*^ But rd n^er not, sir ! much rather not.**
'' Whftt is the amount of that cheque ?'*
'' It's only a hundred and fifty, sir : only a hundred and fifty.**
** Very welL Mr. Raven had provided aipply lor you ^hea yon
betrayed him : you will therefore take your choice ; either give ens
hundred pounds out of that cheque, to thoee two persons whom yoo
have robbed, or take the consequences of being pursued, as I will pnr-
sue you with the utmost rigour of the law."
'' But fifty, sir ! fifty between 'em I surely that wiU content ^cm !
they wouldn't like to press upon me too hard I**
'' Nothing less than the sum I named shall they xeceiye. Decide at
once : if you hesitate "
*' No, no, no ; I don't hesitate, only it is vtry hard ; HI send
them the money to-morrow."
** You are not to be trusted. No, that will not do."
^^ WdD, as soon as I get the cheque cashed, sir, I'll come hack, vftut
my word and honour."
** I have no faith in either your word or your honour. Besides, I
am indmed to take the responsibiUty entirdy off your hands. Give
coachman the cheque. It will save you a deal of trouble. Let bim get
it cashed, ^nd then the thing will be settled."
*^ 111 not give him the cheque ! I'd rather die than be thus phmdned
of my money. \ won't do it"
** Very well. We now see the value of your word and hoaoor.
You have taken your choice. Well have no further parley. An
officte shall be sent for at once, and I'd have you understand, that if
once you get into an officer's hands, the thing must go o^ ; a com-
promise then, will be out of the question."
VAIiBNTINE VOX. 589
The craelly ill*u8ed individual did not Kke this by way means. He
wept bitterly and sobbed like a child, bnt having a natural horror of
being brought to justice, and beinff ignorant of the amount of punish-
ment that would be inflicted upon him, in the event of bis being unable
to convince the court that, in keeping the money he had no &honest
motivci he eventually drew forth the cheque^ and gave it to the coach-
man to get cashed, and while doing so it was really heart-rending to see
him. Thd coachman was, of course, in the highest posaible spirits, and
so was the cook, but the rest of the servants were not, perhaps, in such
ecstacies as they would have been, had it happened that they had been
plundered as well. They were not, however, displeased ; on the con-
trary, they enjoyed the thing much ; and endeavoured in their way to
solace the victim, who was at that time a most intensely miserabk
man.
As the coachman had been ordered to take a cab to the bankei^B and
back, he soon returned with three fifty pound notes, which he placed in
the hands of Valentine, who, in the name of the victim, gave one to
cook, another to coachman, and the third to the victim hiinsel^ ai the
same time intimating to him that he was then at perfect liberty to go.
Of course, the stote of the sentimentalist's mind at that period was
extremely afflicting : his heart was wQunded to an Qoftthomable depth,
while the feelings which reigned in the ascendant vrere those of aoony.
He, notvntbstanding, vnthout delay, took the hint that he might bave^
for, having deposit^ his note in a bag, he looked at his enemies with
unspo^me ferodty, and stepped into the area, from which he declared
with great solemnity, that they should suffer for what they had done,
and that he would have his revenge upon them all, and having delivered
himself fre^y to this effect, he rushed up the steps in a state bordering
upon madness.
Valentine who felt that although the settlement of this matter had
taken up s(Hne time, that time hsKl npt been altogether wasted ^now
returned to Louise, whom he found with the widow still in tears.
^ Come, my dear girl,'' said he, taking her band ; ** this, indeed^
must not be ; I must not have you trembling as if you were on the
very brink of despair !"
^* Oh I my dear Valentine !" ezckimed Louise, again bursting into
tears; '^you axe the only one on earth now, to whom I can with con-
fidence look for protection I"
'* I know it,' said Valentine, assuming a gaiety, with the view of
relieving her, to some extent, of her sadness. ^ I know it, my Louise,
and I shall presume upon it accordingly. I have you now in my
power, and shall therefoie^ of course^ make you act precisely as I may
command."
^^I am not afraid of you, my dearest," said Louise^ with much
emotion. ^' The more I might feel myself in your power, the less I
should fear your tyranny, mj love."
'^ Have you so much confidence in me ? WeD, I believe it. You are
a dear good ffily but you vrant more courage."
^^ But consider, my dearest boy !" cried the vridow, ^ ooneadet what
590 LIFB AKD ADYBNTUBES OF
an awfiil thing it is ! It is not like one of those common oocmfences
-which may he borne without a pang, because their character is ephe-
meraL It is a permanent thing, my love, you must remember, and a
dreadful thing it is to be permanent, when you come to think of it T
^^ That is a very correct obeerration of yours, mother. You are per-
fectly right. But I can't see very distinctly why we should either cover
ourselves with sackcloth and ashes, or lie down and die^ because a dr-
cumstanoe occurs over which we had and could have no control!
Resignation, mother, your own &vourite resignation, is a great
Christian virtue, I admit ; but I hold that it does not become us as
Christians to sank under every trouble which may assiul us, seeing
that we are morally and physically formed to oppose them with snoceaa*
It is our duty to grapple with troubles as they rise : if we do so boldly
and at once, they are perfectly sure to be overcome."
^^ Yes, my dear boy, that is all very well ; but we cannot hdp fed-
ing : when troubles like these come so suddenly upon us, we cannot
but be shocked : it is natural."
^ 1 admit it ; but it is not natural for a shock to continue. It sood
ceases to be a shock. We have no control over it : we cannot grapple
with it. But we have control over, and therefore ought to grapple
with the effects of that shock. A shock no sooner comes than it goes,
leaving its effects for us to manage, which effects can be managed and
ought to be managed : he who allows them in any case to obtain the
mastery over him, must never presume to boast his moral strength."
^^ Yes, my dear, this mode of bidding defiance to Fate, by standing
erect and with a bold front exclaiming, ' No circumstance shall ever
bow me down to the earth ; no series of troubles shall ever break mj
spirit ; nothing shall ever prevent me from grappling with an enemy
who will be sure to conquer me if I fail to conquer him T this I saj,
is all very correct, and very laudable in you men, and nothing more
than we have a right to expect ; but with us it is totally difierent, mj
dear ; we haven't the strength, we haven't the nerve to bear up agunst
these things : we are more sensitive : our feelings are more acute ; our
hearts are more easily wounded, more delicate, more tender, mors sos-
ceptible of sad impressions; this boldness is not to be expected from ns."
" I have often," said Valentine, as the widow took the hand of
Louise, and pressed it and held it in her lap, "I have often thought it a
pity that it should be the fashion to cultivate female weakness."
^' The fashion to cultivate female weakness ! The fashion, my love !
thaidea!"
*^ Doubtless in your view it seems very absurd ; but if you examine
the morally enervating tendency of the present system of female educa-
tion, you will find that weakness in every point is cultivated studioufllj)
and that therefore the application of the term ^fashion' is correct. But
we will not dwell upon this. Whatever your phjrsical weakness maf
be, your moral strength although enervated by education is natniallj
equal with ours. You have the power to meet troubles for troubltf
form our text with equal firmness. If you repudiate the exeiciBe of
that power, of course weakness will prevail."
VALBNTINE VOX. 5dl
^* Bui this of ours," said Louise, " can scarcely be called one of the
ordinary troubles of life ^a mere casualty !"
^' Granted. If it were, its importance would be diminished. If such
things were to happen erery day, we should think but little of them ; but
troubles, my love, are the emblems of cowardice : you no sooner oppose
them than they take to their heels ; but if you fear them, or try to run
from them, or sink before them, or exhibit the slightest irresolution,
they will tyrannize over, trample upon, and torture you. Meet them
boldly, my Louise, and behold how they fly !"
*^ But how is this to be met ? How am I to meet this V*
^' I can tell yon, and will, if you promise to act upon my adTice."
^' Well, I never saw any one take things so coolly in my life I*'
exclaimed the widow. ^^ Whatever may occur, however serious, how-
ever momentous, you look at it as calmly as if you had expected it :
nothing seems to disturb you ^nothing seems to put you out.*'
^^ Many things disturb me, mother; but I look at whatever difficulty
may occur as a thing which ought promptly to be met, and I accord-
ingly make up my mind at once to meet it."
^^ What^ then, in this instance, would you propose V inquired
Louise.
^ You promise to be guided by me V
'^ I have so much confidence in you, my love, that I do, without a
moment*s hesitation. I place myself entirely in your hands. I will go
by your directions ; whatever you direct me to do shall be done."
^ You are a dear, good, confiding little creature, my Louise ; but I
believe you know that I knew that hefure. Now attend: Mr. Whitely
is your father there can, of course, be no doubt of that now and as a
&&er, you are called upon to regard and to love him. Very weU.
Now although we have frequently heard of such things and have fre-
quently seen them represented on the stage, I hold it to be impossible
for you at once to inspire those feelings of affection for him which a
child ought to feel for a father, and which, although they may be indeed
engendered in infancy, time and constant communication alone can
establish. But your position is one of even greater difficulty than that:
your affections as a child having been engrossed, cherished, and ripened
by the love and fostering care of another, you are called upon suddenly
to transfer those affections from him whom you have ever beli^ed to
be your &tber to one of whom you had previously no absolute know-
ledge."
^^ Precisely so," interposed Louise. ^^ It is that which I feel most
acutely. It is, indeed, the very difficulty which I fear is insurmount-
able,"
"A moment's patience," said Valentine. *^That is the point to
which we are coming. It is abundantly clear, that, if under these cir-
cumstances you were to leave this bouse in other words, that if you
were to leave Mr. Raven, to live with Mr. Whitely, you would feel, to
say the least of it, excessively awkward."
^* Oh I I should be wretched ! perfectly miserable I"
^' Exactly. However highly you might esteem Mr. Whitely ; how-
592 LIFB AND ADVBNTITRBS OF
ever nnoereljr yoa might respect him, or howeyer annoiui joa mif;fat
be to love him ; you would be conscioae that you. posseeeed not those
feetinga towards him, whioh a child ought to luire towards a parent^
for those feelings muit be established by degrees and tiiat yery oon-
soiousness would renda you unhappy."
'^ It would indeed; I mig^t perhaps, ill time, teach my heart how to
love him ; but to love him at once) as I ML that as his child I ought
to love him, would be impossible, and the impoanbility of doing so, to
me, would be dreadfuL"
*'Thi8, then^ is the difieulty which we have now to meet. It is
manifest that you will not be permitted to remain here mudi longer.
It is scarcely to be eneoted, that Mr. Whitely wiU consent to that : 1
confess to you, that if I were he, I would not mysell The question,
then, resolves itself to this. Ill put it plainly, because I conceive Uiat,
in aU such cases, pUiinness is much to be preferred. Will it be better,
under the ciroumstances, fOr you to live with Mr. Whitely, or with
mer
Louise blushed, and dropped her head.
** Nay," continued Valentine, ^' I do not expect yon to answer this
question. I have undertaken to answer it for you ; / have to decide,
and really, to give expression to that which I most sincerely feel, I do
think that all things considered, it wiU be infinitely better for us to
marry at once, when, without the slightest annoyance, you will be ahle
to imbibe and to cherish by degrees, those fee&ngs for Mr. Whitdj,
which, of course, you will be anxious to entertain.*
Valentine paused ; but Louise was still silent.
*' What think you, mother V* he at length eontinued. '* Do you not
think that that will be the better course to pursue V
** Why, my dear," returned the widow, ** that you know, is an ex-
tremely delicate question for me to answer. It would ceiPtainly, at once,
do away with that which we conceived to be the greatest difficulty to
be encountered."
" Of course,*' rejoined Valentine. ^^ What I propose then, is this :
that the fifteenth be still the happy day, that we, Louise, be as we
had previously settled, on the fifteentii, united. This is what I propotf^
and as I can te no objection at all to it, I hereby direct you seeing,
that you have promised to go by my directions to prepare for our
union on the fifteenth instant, not only that you may escape that
position of embarrassment which we have just been considering, hot
that we may no longer be subjected to those disappointments and de-
lays which we have found so particularly disagreeable."
Still, with downcast eyes, Louise was silent ; her heart beat an ap-
proval, which her tongue, however, refused to express.
^' Having thus," resumed Valentine^ with a smile, ^ Having thus,
then, given my directions, my task is for the present at an end; unless^
indeed for I have no desire to be despotic you can give me a single
reason why those directions should not be implicitly obeyed. Am T,"
he added, after a pause, ** to understand by your silence, that you know
of no such reason V
V^LENTIKE TOX. 593
*^My dearest Valentine !*' exclaimed Louise, fervently, *^ I am at
jrouT disposal. I iaid that I would be guided by you, Valentine ; I
will ! But do not, pray do not wish me to take this step before the
consent of Mr. Whitely I mean, of my father ^has been obtained.'^
*' Of course, my love, he must be consulted : I would not, on any
account, proceed without first consulting him."
" There's a dear T
^'Although I, on one occasion, did speak harshly to him in
order to protect Mr. Raven, I believe that he has ceased to think of
that ; and I feel quite convinced, that when I point out to him tlie
peculiar position in which you will otherwise be placed, his consent to
our immediate union wiU not be withheld. He dines to-day with my
uncle. It may, perhaps, appear too precipitate if I name it to him to-
day ; but when I join them in the evening they will, no doubt, have
been conversing on the subject I will invite him to dine with me to-
morrow, at our house, when I will lay the whole matter before
him, and I have not the smallest doubt that, for the sake of your
feelings, which, I am sure, he is anxious to study, he will readily
give his consent. Do not, therefore, for a moment, anticipate an
unfavourable answer from him; feel certain, as I do, that we shall
have to encounter no opposition, and act precisely as if he had con-
sented already."
*^ I will do 80," said Louise, *' you have made me comparatively
happy : you have, indeed, proved to me that difficulties, when promptly
met, vanish, and have thereby taught me a lesson which, if acted upon,
must smooth the path of life."
'^ It is tlie grand secret, my love," returned Valentine. ^^ But I wish
it were a secret no longer : if it were but uniyersally known, the hap-
piness of mankind in the aggregate would be very materially enhanced,
for it would then be apparent to all, that although men are ^bom
to troubles,' they ore also bom to surmount them.**
" Well, now, really !" exclaimed the widow, " upon my word, this
appears to be comparatively nothing, my love, now 1
*' The difficulty," said Louise, '^ does seem to be, in a measure, over-
come. I shall not, at all events, be placed in that distressing position,
i^ indeed, we are not opposed."
^^ Expect no opposition from Mr. Whitely," said Valentine, ^' I am
convinced that he will gladly agree to anjrthiug calculated to promote
your happiness."
'' Do you think so ?"
*' I am sure of it ! he has proved it already."
^' He is a good creature : I feel that I almost love him now."
^' Proceed with your preparations," said Valentine, risino; from his
seat ; ^' you have nothing to fear, nor have you any time to lose. You
will remember this is the tentii! The fifteenth will soon be here
Louise^ and then, my love ! and then I" he added, embracing her, and
gaadng upon her with the fondest affection ^*' But you know the rest !
I'll now detain you no longer : for the present, adieu !" And again he
embraced herj and having given the widow, who was more than ever
4g
596 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
** Did it never sirike you before ?*'
^* Ne-vei ! cootness knows it, now, that will pe peantifiil, inteet!
Well, apoye all other things in the worlt ! Oh ! hur ton't care now a
pit Apout it V
^^ Then shall we go this evening V
*' Oh, yes! hurll co, my poy, hur*ll co; hor shall feel very awkwait,
putt hur'Il CO."
^^ I think it will be better. Besides, it will break the ice. In a few
days you will have to live with him, you know."
^' Hur unterstant. Very coot. Yes, hur think it will pe petter.
Putt, my poy ! the idea of our peing protheis-in^law 1"
He dwelt upon this idea for some considerable time, and carried it
out to a great extent, and viewed it in every shape with pleasure; in
fact, the subject in all its varied ramifications at intervals lasted him
untU they returned to town, indeed, it may be said, until they entered
the room in which Whitely and Uncle John were sitting.
To Whitely their appearance wns happiness. He rose the momeot
they entwed, and grasped them both by the hand, and stood and looked
at them alternately, as the tears gushed from his eyes, scarcely knowing
which gave him the greater pleasure, the presence of Fred, or the fact
of Valentine having brought him. Uncle John, too, was ddighted to
see them come in : indeed, the introduction made them all very happy,
and they spent the remainder of the evening together in the most
pleasant manner possible.
On the following day Valentine having, in the course of the pre-
vious evening, invited Whitely and Fred to dine veith him and hb
uncle at the house -they all met at the time appointed, and had a very
agreeable dinner; shortly after which, Fred- as had been previously
arranged was sent for post-haste by Louise ; and as soon as he had
left vnth the promise to return as soon as possible, Valentine opened
th^^subject which was nearest his heart.
" Well," said he, gaily, " you have not told yet me how you like
the house?"
^' I like it much," replied Whitely : ^' it is an elegant house, and the
way in which it is furnished reflects great credit upon somebody*^ judg-
ment and taste."
Uncle John bowed and smiled: he felt that remark to be particulariy
agreeable.
*' Mr. Whitely," said Valentine, with some deliberation, ** tliis house,
as you are aware, was taken and furnished for one special purpose."
" I am aware of it," returned Whitely, " and as I guess your
object in introducing the subject now, I will say at once that I hope
that that purpose wm be eventually fulfilled."
*' As I view this," said Valentine, ^' as a consent on your part as the
father of Louise, to our union, I am anxious, in connection with thb
subject, to appeal at once to your feelings as a father, and to your judg-
ment as a man. Of course, Mr. Whitely, I need not explain to yoa
the position of that good girl, Louise ; you understand her feelings as
well as I do : of that I am quite cortam. But first allow me to ask
VALENTIMB VOX. 597
you what jou intend to do with her when you take her from Raven s
house V
^' I mean to give her to you : to enjoy for a few months her sweet
society alone, that our affections as parent and child may he developed
and cherished, and then to give her to you."
*^ Give her to me now," said Yalentine, with great fervour of expres-
snon; '' forego the pleasure which you anticipate from her society before
marriaee, and give her to me now."
Whitely was for some time silent ; but after weighing the matter
deliberately in his mind, he said, ^^ If I should oppose your immediate
marriage I do not know that I shall, but if I should ^you must not
attribute that opposition to any objection on my part to you as a son-
in-law; for I candidly confess to you that I have none: you must
ascribe it solely to my desire to cultiyate previously those feelings of
affsction which I am of course anidous should exist between me and my
child."
*^ Precisely,'' said Uncle John, ^* I understand your inotive, and I
appreciate it highly. Although not a father myself, I can enter into
your feelings as a father, and I must say that the anxiety you have ex-
pressed is very natural, very."
** You see, my friend," said Whitely, " I have been deprived of the
affections of my children from thdr infancy. They have been uncon-
scious even of my existence. Others have taken that place in their
hearts which I ought to have occupied, and hence mv desire to resume
my natural position with regard to them must by all be understood and
respected."
^' Of course," said Uncle John, ^^ and I am sure that Valentine see
the matter in precisely the same light."
^* I do," said Valentine, '' I do understand that desire, and I respect
it. Heaven forbid that I should wish it to be in the smallest degree '
diminished. But why are you anxious to cidtivate those feelings 4^
affection previously to our marriage V
*' Because," replied Whitely, ^* after marriage I apprehend her affec-
tions will be devoted to you."
^^ I hope they will : I am sure that they will : but not exclunvely !
That kind of affection to which I as her husband may be supposed to
be entitled will not, I submit, interfere vnth her aJPection for you.
Women, I apprehend, do not love their parents less for loving their
husbands more. If that were the case, marriage would be destructive
of the love which exists between parents and children, and he who gave
his daughter in marriage to the man whom she loved would be thereby
surrendering the affections of his child, a thing of which he never
dreams."
" I see that," said Whitely, I clearly see that."
^^ Take it in another point of view," continued Valentine : ^^ assume
that Louise loves me which I believe from my very soul is it to be
expected that, in the event of her remaining for some time nngle, her
love for me will be diminished in proportion as her affection for you
598 UFB Aim DVBNTURE8 OF
flhall inereaae^. or thai, foster her afieotions for you as 70a mi^, alie will
love me in conaeqaence less V
'' Decidedly not."
^^ I^ then, her afiection for her father would not interfere with her
affection for her lover, why shonld her love for me after marriage inter-
fere with her love for you? But waiving that point for under the
drcumstanoes it is not the grand one let ns look at her feelings in the
matter without reference to our own. She leaves Raven, whom from
infiuM^ she had looked upon as her father, to live with you, who have
been, up to this time, a stranger. Conceive what her feelings must be
in such a position, while strivmg to transfer her affections from one to
the other ! Must it not be one of great embarrassment ? Must she not
fiDel awkward in the extreme ? If so, why should she be placed in that
position at all ? I am perfectly sure that whatever fading you may
have of a selfish characteiv^if I may in its mildest sense use the term
is so natural, that you cannot repudiate its entertainment; but I am
also sure that you are inclined to study her feelings in preference to your
own.**
*' In that you do me but justice," said Whitely.
^* Do you not conceive, then," said Yalentme, ^ that slie would
rather escape the position to which I have alluded than embrace it ?
that she would rather ^to speak plainly ^be married, and then imbibe
and fondly foster those feelings of affection for you gradually, than be
compelled to wait until you have become satisfied that her affection as
a child has been firmly established ? Which do you think she would
prefer ?"
'' Why, I must confess," replied Whitely, '' that I think she would
prefer entering into the marriaee state at once. I must say that under
the circumstances it would be but natural for her to give that the pre-
ference*"
^' But independently of that," continued Valentine, ^^ as a matter of
expediency, I would urge the adoption of this course, without the fear
of being re^jarded as an advocate pleading for myselfL Your sreat im-
mediate object is of course to gain the auctions of Louise. Very welL
How would you proceed to accomplish this object ? Is it easier or
more efiectually to be done by opposing in limine that step in which
she believes that her happiness is involved, than by allowing that step
to be taken, and thereby proving not only that you have her happiness
at heart, but that you are wilHng to sacrifice your own strictly personal
feelings with a view to promote it ? Will you not, by giving your
consent, be lajring the foundation of her love? ^in other words, will she
not rather love you for giving that consent than for withholding it ? I
do not mean to say that I believe for one moment that your opposition
would have the effect of engendering in her mind any species of dislike^
but I do think that, as matters now stand, the surest and the speediest
way to win her affections is by giving your content. It will strike her
at once as being an act of kindness : it will prove to her that your
greai object is to see her happy: it will foice the conviction that
VALENTINE VOX. 599
you fondly love her, and will thereby inspire her with fbnd love for
you."
'* I am inclined to agree with you/' eaid Whitely; ' I am quite in-
clined to agree with you. You have put it very forcibly and very
correcUy. 1 did not eee it in that light before. Having set her mind
upon marriage, certainly my consent would be more pleasurable than
my oppositioD, however mildly, or with whatever arguments it might
be urged. There is no absolute necessity for any farther delays that is
quite clear ; and as by withholding my consent I now perceive that I
should be studying my own feelings alone, it shall not he withheld. I
give it freely. I have so much con&denoe in you that I will willingly
accede to whatever you may propose. She has had, poor girl, sufficient
trouble already. I feel now that I ought not to diiaappoint her in this
matter aeain. Let the day be named no matter how early ^you will
meet with no opposition from me."
'* I felt certain," said Valentine ** that I should induce 3rou to take
this view of the matter, but I am not on that account less happy, in
haying succeeded.*'
'^ ifpKDn my life, thouffh," observed Undo John, *^ I didn't see it in
that point of view : much as I desired the settlement of this affiur, I
thought that another delay of a few months must have taken place, as
a matter of course."
'^ That was certainly my impression,** rejoined Whitely, *' but I per-
ceive the force and justice of Yalentine's observations, and I therefore
need not ask if Louise is I will not say anxious^ but, willing for the
marriage to take place immediately."
**Ohr cried Unob John, playfully, '^ they have settled it between
them, there is no doubt of that. It was all arranged, my friend, before
we knew a word about the matter."
^' As far as the consent of Louise is concerned," said Valentine, *^ it
certainly was : after much persuasion on my part ^for I had far more
difficulty with her than I have had with you; Louise did consent, but
only on the condition that I succeeded in obtaining the consent of her
father.-
^^Did she make that a tine qua nan?" inquired Whitely, with
much feeling.
*' Indeed she did ; and urged it with great earnestness."
" God bless her I God bless her !" exclaimed Whitely, with a broken
voice, as the tears sparkled in his eyee^ ^^ Ghd bless her !"
'* She is a jewel,'' said Uncle John, ** a jewel ! you are a happy Hdi-
low, Val a happy fellow."
^' I believe hun to be worthy of her,** said Whitely ; *^ I am sure of
it. Well," he continued, addressing Valentine, ^' and when is the day
tober
'* Why, as the fifteenth yns fixed before the secret was revealed, I
thought it would be as well not to alter the day. I therefore propose
that the ceremony take place on the fifteenth."
^* Well, be it so, I have no objection to urge. The fifteenth will
soon be here, but the sooner the better, peraaps. Let it be the
600 LIFB IXD ABTSHTVBBS OF
fifteenth. I haye, however, one sttpnlatton to make: slie mni not
many from the hooae of that man."
''Of oonxse not," said Valentine, ''I anticipated that, and have
arranged it in my own mind thus : that on the morning of the four-
teenth, she leaves Raven's house with my mother to take up her abode
here ; that we dine here together on that day, and that the next morn-
ing you accompany her from here to church."
'' That will do !" said Whitely, ' that will do. I quite approve of
that arrangement ; it will do very well."
It was according thus settled, and immediately after the settlement
had taken place, Fred returned in high glee. Louise had introduced
him to Miss Lovelace, a young lady who was to be one of the brides-
maids, and of all the most peautiful cirls he had ever seen in the worli,
with the single exception of little sister Louey, she was the most
peautiful, and cootness knew it I
This, of course, was quite sufficient for Valentine to go on with.
He seized it with avidity, and rallied poor Fred in a style which pro-
duced roars of laughter. He assailed him at every point, and Fred met
him in a manner too droll to be resisted. He again and aeain, de-
clared that he felt himself in love, and didn't care if the whole world
knew it ! Thus the remainder of the evening was spoit veiy merrily,
and at elevoi they all left the house much dehghted.
Valentine, however, was determined to communicate to Louise the
pleasing result of his consultation with Whitely, without delay. He
had therefore no sooner seen Whitely and Uncle John home, than he
walked with Fred to Raven's, and found that Louise had been expecting
his arrival, her heart having told her that, however late it might be,
when the party broke up he would call. When, therefore, he entered
the drawing-room, she new to meet him, and with a look of intense
anxiety, read the expression of success in his countenance, and was
happy.
'' Why do you look so intently at me ?" inquired Valentine. ^ Is
it to see if I have been taking too much wine V*
'' No," replied Louise, with a plajrful movement of her head. ^ It
is not that. You know why I look at you so earnestly. You know
that it is to read that which I feel that I do read, the &ct of my father
having given his consent. It is so, is it not ?"
^* My dearest girl, it is," said Valentine, who then sat beside her
and explained to her all he deemed it necessary for her to know,
and having impressed upon her how worthy Whitely was of her
affection, he drew one picture of happiness, and left another behind
him.
It was then past twelve ; but as the night was calm though daik,
he decided on walking home, notwithstanding he knew that Uncle John
would not retire till he returned. He had scarcely, however, left the
house, when an emaciated form with an aspect of madness, huiried past
him muttering incoherently to himself^ and then suddenly stopped, and
then hurried on aoain, and then again stopped, and turned, and thea
again hurried on, utemately laughing and groaning.
VALENTINE VOX. 601
Valentine^ when the form Uimed, felt a sadden thrill. He had
certainly seen that 'figure before! who could it possibly be! Re-
solved on being satisfied, he quickened his pace. Again the figure
stopped. He passed it, and on reaching the next lamp, turned, that
the light by falling upon the face of the man, might aid him in dis-
covering who he was. The form came on, groaning and gnashing his
teeth as before, and on reaching the lamp stopped again, as if struck.
The light fell full upon him ; it was Walter ! mad ; obviously mad i
His sunken eyes glared, and he looked like a fiend.
^'Just Heaven!" thought Valentine. ''This, indeed, is a dreadful
retribution ! Do you not know me ?" said he, addressing Widt^r, and
takine his arm.
'' You can't prove ii I" cried Walter, fixing his eyes upon Valentine,
wildly. '' You have no proof. I must be acquitted. I did not mur-
der him ! let me go."
** Do you not remember Valentine V
'' Yes ! he was the cause ! the only cause ! ^I know him : I know
him."
'' He is here : he stands before you : I am he."
Walter again glared upon him, and seized his arm, and having passed
his hand over his eyes several times, shook his head, and said, "No
no ^no. You are not ! Let me go home 1 ^home."
" I'll go with you," said Valentine. " Tell me where you live."
'' I told you before. Let me go. I must not be detained. You
have no proof, I tell you ! Ha, ha! No proof! ^no proof! Do your
worst ! No proof ! Ill twt be detained !
Having suddenly disengaged his arm from Valentine's grasp, he
hurried on, still muttering wildly to himself, and occasionally giving a
maniacal chuckle.
Valentine now scarcely knew how to act ; should he give him in
charge of the police, or follow him ? He had spoken of nome. He
might then be going home. Valentine knew not at all where he lived,
but eventually deciaed on alloveing him to proceed without interruption,
resolved, however, not to lose sight of him until he should enter some
house. He accordingly kept a few paces behind him, but in order to
do so, he was compelled to walk as fast as he possibly could, and some-
times, indeed, to run, for Waltei^s pace conld not have been much less
than six miles an hour.
On reaching Bloomsbury Square, Walter suddenly stopped, but as
on turning sharply round, he saw Valentine approaching, he kept on,
and got into Hollom, where he increased his speed, being evidently
anxious to avoid all pursuit. Valentine, however, kept up with him,
marvelling at the extraordinary strength he displayed, and expecting
every moment, of course, that he would either turn or stop at some
house ; but he still kept on and on, until he reached the bottom of
Holbom-HiU, when he turned up Farringdon Street, muttering and
laughing, and clenching his fists, and striking out with incseased
^oiergy.
4h
002 LIFE AND ADT2NTVRBS OF
'^ Well," thought Valentme, who began to feel fiitigued, ** it is im-
possible for him to keep on at this rate much longer," when, oonoeifi]^
that the fact of his keeping behind him, might accelerate his pace, and
perhaps, deter him from going in even when he reached homey he
crossed the street and walked on the opposite side.
Still Walter kept on. He passed Fleet Street, and when he had
done so, he looked sharply round, and as he could perceive no one be-
hind him he slackened his pace, but stopped not untO he had arrived at
Chatham Place, where he made a dead stand, fixing his eyes upon the
ground, dropping his hands listlessly, and muttering aloud. Having
stood in this position for some few moments without raising hla eyes,
he suddenly started off again, and proceeded over the bridge at a ia{d
rate, apparently most anxious to get home. Just, however, as he had
reached the centre arch of the bri%e, he turned into one oi the receases
and leaped upon the seat. In an instant Valentine flew towards him,
and called to him by name ! The wretched maniac heard him, but
uttering a dreadful yell of defiance, sprang over the balustrade, and Tal-
entine but reached the spot in time to hear the water opening to te-
oeive him with a roar.
How was it possible to aid liim ? How could he be saved ? ** Po-
lice! Police! Help! help!" shouted Valentine, darting to the staici^
and a person on the instant ran towards him.
'^ A gentleman has thrown himself from the bridge,*' cried Valenttne.
** How can we save him V
^*I fear we can render him no assistance," said the stnuigeri
" There's no waterman near."
Valentine rushed doven the steps, and the stranger followed. Vb
tide was running down : it was nearly low water : every boai was
aground, and nothing could be Been moving upon the river vfiOiiii
hail.
" What, what can we do V exclaimed Valentine.
*' Nothing !*' replied the stranger. ^^ Nothing : nothing can be done!
He's lost."
The tide glided smoothly on. Scarcely a ripple could be
Once Valentine saw, or imagined he saw, the head of a man
above the surface, but in an instant it disappeared, and was seen no
more.
Still he lingered at the water^s edge, his eyes fixed upon the
stream, while dwelling upon the frightful catastrophe, almost in a state
of unconsciousness, until the stranger aroused him, when, with a heavy
heart he proceeded home, and by relating the sad event filled the mind
of his uncle with horror.
.:'A.. ./,:' /:,A'c,
VALENTINE VOX. G03
CHAPTER LXVIII.
IN WHICH THB HISTORY DRAWS TO A CONCLUSION.
Nearly the whole of the following day/Yalentine was endeaTouring
to asoertain if the body of Walter had been found ; but his efforts were
unsuccessful. He took a boat at the Tower Stairs, and was rowed a
considerable distance down the river, stoppmg to make inquiries at
every point, but could hear nothing of him ; nor could he communicate
with his family, not knowing where they resided. He could, therefore,
do nothing ; and although he strongly felt that it would have been bet-
ter had he arrested Water's progress on perceiving his madness, and
placed him at once under restraint, he could not reproach himself under
the circumstances, seeing that he had done that which at the time
appeared to him to be most advisable ; still the dreadful event made a
deep impression on his mind.
From Louise, of course, this was concealed. Whitely was informed
of it, but it went no farther : the preparations for the marriage, there-
fore, proceeded as if nothing of the kind had occurred, and Valentine, in
the presence of Louise, appeared to be as gay as before.
As Raven had been informed of its having been decided that Louiae
should leave his house the day previously to that of her marriaee, his
spirits now became more than ever depressed. He was indeed a
wretched being. He felt that, although in the midst of wealth and
splendour, he should be thenceforth alone in the world without a child
to love him, without a friend to esteem him, without a single crea-
ture near him with whom he cared to associate; excluded from all
society an outcast.
Sometimes he would shut himself up in his room for hours, and seek
relief in tears; sometimes he would bitterly rail at the world; at
others he would sit and gaze upon Louise with all the fondness of a
father, for that he loved her dearly no doubt could exist. To him this
parting was a heavy blow indeed. It blasted every prospect, withered
every earthly hope ; not a flower could he perceive in his path from
thence to the grave.
As the day of parting approached, his wretchedness increased, and
when the thirteenth arrived, he sent to beg of Uncle John to look in
upon him if even it were but for a quarter of an hour.
Uncle John went accordingly the moment he recdved the mes-
sage, and found him dreadfully dejected. His eyes were dim and half
closed ; his cheeks were hollow, and his lips livid ; he was spiritless,
nerveless : Despair seemed to have marked him for her own.
*' My friend," said he, '^ if I may still call you so, I am a miserable
man. I cannot bear to part for ever with her whom from infancy I
ha?e reared, loved, and cherished as my own. I am childless, friendless,
helpless. I have been actively battlmg for more than half a century
with the world, but my spirits never deserted me, my strength never
604 LIFB Ain ADVENTrAIEB OF
failed me, tiU now. What am I to do, my friend ? Give me your
advioe."
*' Why, upon my life," said Uncle John, ** I don't see what adTioe I
can give you, unless, indeed, it be to raise your spirits, and to bear up
against the calamity."
^^ Which is precisely what I feel that I can*t do. I seem to have no
moral strength, no courage, no nerve, as if I were the only man in the
world by whom a wrong had been inflicted. Other men can commit
crimes, and think comparatively nothing of it. The fact does not
afflict them ; they are not bowed to the earth by the reflection ; they
can stand erect, and bid the world defiance : yet I, who in a moment
of passion, folly, phrenzy call it what you wiU oonunitted an act of
which thousands upon thousands around me hare been guilty, am thus
struck down and tortured."
^* It must not be imagined," obsenred Uncle John, ^ that he who,
having committed a criminal act, braves the world, is not afflkted.
He may feel it the more, for that feeling is usually most acute which a
man takes most pains to conoeaL I hold it to be impossible for any
man capable of xeflection in its popular sense, to inflict any serious in-
jury upon another, or to commit any crime, which in his heart he
acknowledges to be a crime, without being afflicted. Some men may
show it more than others, but that is no proof that others feel it less."
" Well, but my friend now do you Oh ! I remember the time
when my pride would have swelled, when my heart would have revolted
at the idea of asking any man's forgiveness ; but my spirit is now so
subdued, I am now so humble, that if you think that he whom I have
injured would forgive me, I would solicit his forgiveness aye, even on
my knee*-
'* Why, as for as his forgiveness is concerned," said Uncle John,
pausing ** But what do you mean by forgiveness ? As Christians,
we are taught to pray for forgiveness of our trespasses * at we foigive
them that trespass against us ; but the forgiveness which we pray for
is so perfect that it comprehends reception and reconciliation. Do you
mean by forgiveness, in this case, reception and reconciliation V
^' I would willingly give all I possess in the world to be thus for-
given by that man.
*'*' You mean of course for him to be reoondled to you, to associate
with you, to reoeive you as a friend V
Ido."
Uncle John shook his head with a veiy, very doubtful expression.
^ You think it impossible ?" said Raven.
^ Most certainly I do. I have heard of men, who, actuated by the
vilest and most sordid motives, have received and associated with the
seducers of their wives, but I never heard of a virtuous man becoming
reconciled to, or receiving him, by whom the wife of his boeom had been
corrupted. Inasmuch, Uierefore, as I feel that Whitdy loved his wife,
fondly, passionately loved her, and as I know him to be a strictly
honourable man, I do think it impossible, utterly impossible, to prevail
upon him to reoeive you now as his friend."
VALENTINE VOX. 005
**I am satidfied," said Raven, '^ quite satisfied now. But without
such a reconciliation on his part^ might I not he allowed occasionally
to visit his children ?"
^^ Why, that may he managed. It may be managed without any
formal consent on his part. He will not be always with them."
You see, my friend, I know that you see and understand the po-
sition in which I am placed. I have studiously kept aloof from all
society : I am a mau of no family : I have not, to my knowledge, a
smgle relative in the wcfrld. I have formed no connections, no friend-
ships : I have not a single creature to care for me with the exception
of yourself, Valentine, Fred, and Louise : there* is, it is true, one be-
sides whose &vour I would conciliate ^I mean t^alentine's mother, but
I feel that I must not think of that. If therefore you desert me, if I
am henceforth deprived of your society, and that of those with whom
^ou are connected, the world will be to me a perfect wilderness ; I shall
mdeed be alone."
^^ You speak like a man without hope," said Undo John. '^ You
will not be deserted. I will not desert you : Valentine will not desert
you : nor is it at all likely that you will be deserted by Louise, whom
you have treated with so much kindness and afiFection."
^* My friend ^and you have proved yourself to be a friend indeed
we are all edlible : not that I wish to shield myself under this general
proposition; but we are all of us occasionally led into temptations,
which we feel at the time to be too strong to be resisted. This was my
case, at the period from which the birth of all my troubles may be
dated, I yielded to the temptation into which I had been led ; but
although I cannot expect, that he whom, by thus jrielding, I wronged,
will so perfectly forgive me as to receive me as a friend, I do think that
^having proved that I am not only sorry for having acted as I have
done, but anxious to make all possible reparation others may without
dishonour."
*' I would rather," said Uncle John, " associate with a man, who, like
you, not only feels, but acknowledges that he is sorry for having com-
mitted an o^ce, than with one who treats that offence with levity,
and affects to hold the opinion of the world in contempt."
^' Then will you come often and see me, notwithstanding what has
occurred V
" I will," replied Uncle John.
'* You will come and dine with me ?"
*' Frequently. I think of living entirely in town now."
" I am very glad to hear it. I think I need not say that I shall be
at all times most happy to see you. When my poor girl is gone, I
shall feel, I well know that I shall feel very wretched."
*^ Come, come, you must bear up against it."
*^ I will as well as I possibly can, out this is a dreadful portion for
an old man like me to be placed in."
^' Well, well : we must make the best we can of it. These things
always seem to be greater in anticipation. You will feel it no doubt;
but we must endeavour to let you feel it as little as possible."
606 LIVE AND ADTEirnmBS OF
''My dear friend; I have no right to expect this kindnesB ficom
you."
'' Yee you haye : you have a right to expect kindness from ereiy
man^ who professes to he your friend. But let us say no more ahout
it. Although we cannot do all, something may he done, and yon may
rest assured of this, that all I can do I wiS."
Raven, whose spirit was indeed suhdued, again and again thanked
him, and the gratitude which he warmly expressed was unfeigned.
He did feel grateful to him, very, yexy grateful, for the loneliness of his
position pressed heavily upon his heart, and none appreciate kindness so
highly as those whom society in general spurns. An act of friend-
ship then, shines forth as an act of friendship indeed. The veriest
wretch feels it: it. strikes to his heart's core: he would fly through
fire and water to protect or to serve him who treats him with
common kindness, when he feels that he is treated hy all hut him
with scorn, or who extends the hand of friendship when idl other friends
are gone.
The conduct of Uncle John may, in this particular instance, he hy
some rigid moralists condemned; but let those who would condemn
him pomt out what save penitence can be oRsred for injuries which
cannot he redressed : and, if on discovering their inability to do this,
they still condemn him, they must deny that that Heavenly attribute,
Charity, ought ever to enter the soul of a just man.
He viewed the crime of which Raven had been guilty and none
could have had a greater horror of that crime than he nad per # with
due reference to the proverbial fallibility of man's nature : nothing could
have induced him to palliate that crime ; but, although he regmed it
not alone as a personal offsnce, but also as an offence against society in
the aggregate -when he saw Raven spiritless, bowed to the very earth,
and broken-hearted, he would not trample upon him : no I prompted
by the voice of nature, he extended his hand to raise him, vrith those
charitable feelings which he felt that he could not repudiate either as
a Cliristian or as a man.
But notwithstanding he thus benevolently sought to inspire him
with sufficient strength to bear the pang of parting with Louise, Raven
was still much dejected. He felt indeed, greatly relieved while Uncle
John was with him, but when he had left, he sank again beneath the
dread of the morrow, and when the morrow came, it found him as
wretched as before.
Having passed a restless, miserable night, he rose early, and tried to
raise his spirits, but in vain : on being summoned to breakfast he burst
into tears.
Louise, who as usual presided at the table, rose to meet him as he
entered the room, when he took her hands and pressed them, and gazed
upon her mournfully, and kissed her pale brow, and gazed upon hei
again ; but neither uttered a word : their hearts were too frill to speak;
they sat down in silence, and scarcely, during the time they were at
breakfast, was that silence broken.
Fred, who like the rest, felt miserable, was the first to leave the
i
''^I^W^^Iv^
VALENTINE VOX. 607
table, and soon after him Louise and the widow retired, leaving Raven
in sadness alone.
'* With whom shall I breakfast to-morrow," thonght he, ** and to-
morrow, and to-morrow? Henceforth I shaU be desolate. What
comfort, what joy can I hope for now ? This, twenty years since, or
even ten, I might have borne : I had energy then spirit nerve : I
could have struggled with it then; but to be left thus now in the vale
of years, when i most need the comfort which those whom I have che-
rished flJone can impart, whoi my faculties, both moral and physica],
are withering, when I am sinking, &st sinking into the grave, is just,
just; I admit it to be just, but dreadful."
Pursuing this sad train of thought, he sat weeping like a child ^- for
all his mamiood seemed to have left him ^until the clock struck twelve,
when he started up, and paced the room, trembling with violence.
It was the hour appomted for the departure of Louise, and soon
afterwards she entered the room to take leave, accompanied by Fred
and the widow.
^' I know, my dear child," said he, with a tremulous voice, as she
approached him in tears, '^ I know your object in coming to me
now. It is ^it is yes I am getti^, my dear child, a feeble old man
^bowed down bowed down hy aflfiction Well, well ^the grave^
the cold grave God forgive me I God forgive me I"
^' Father 1" exclaimed Louise, passionately, *' if you are not my
iJEither, I feel that you have been to me all that a fiither- should be for
mercy's sake, do not do not &ther T she added, falling upon his
neck, ^' my heart will break."
*^ My child 1" exclaimed Raven, whose utterance was half-choked,
while tears of agony gushed from his eyes- '* my sweetest, loveliest
child, yof must not be unhappy ! Wretdiedness is mine ^I alone must
be wretched I The only comfort, the only comfort I can hope for now
is to see you happy to see you happy 1 You will not deprive me of
that ! No, you wiU not Bless you I Come- come," he continued,
albeit scarcely able to articulate a word, ''come: to-morrow, you
know, to-monow 1 You only leave this for a happier home I But
you will not forget me? You will think of me sometimes? You will
not forget him who loved you from childhood so fondly, so dearly ?
You vnll not despise me ? No, you will not despise me V
'' Never I" exclaimed Louise, fixing her eyes earnestly upon him, al-
though they swam in tears ; ^ my heart teUa me that, whatever may
have happened, whatever may occur, I can never despise, I can never
forget, I can never cease to love him by whom from my infancy I have
hem treated with so much affection."
Again Raven blessed her, and pressed her to his heart, and endea-
voured to cheer her, although tears were trickling fast down his cheeks,
and he continued to sob bitterly.
'' 111 no longer a9ict you, my loveliest girl," said he. '' No ! Ill
no longer afflict you. This parting is sad, very sad. You would say
fiureweU to me : yes, farewell you would say : it may be the last the
last time. I am sinking, I know I am gmking; my strength has
608 LIPB AND AOTENTITRES OF
deserted me; I am getting very feeble; I shall not surviTO it long: no,
I feel that I can't survive it long Bui^ he added emphatically, laising
his eyes with great fervonr of expression, ^^ in the midst of my afflic-
tion I have one comfort, one consolation, which is, that whatever I may
have been, whatever I am now, I have done towards her of whom I
am now to be deprived all that a parent could conceive to be his duty
to a child, and tiiat she leaves me now with a heart as guileless and a
mind as pure as when in infancy I fondly adopted her as my own."
At this moment a coach drew up to the door, and Fred who had
been standing at the window, apparently firm as a iw^ while engaged
in closing his eye-lids as his eyes became full, that the tears might M
straight upon the carpet unseen announced Valentine's anivaL
Raven took Fred's hand, and pressed it warmly, and then drew Louiae
aade.
^ My dear girl," said he, producing a small pocket-book, and placmg
it in her hand, ** before you leave me, my love, take this : give it to
Valentine. He will take care of it for you ; but promise me it maybe
my last request, Louise yes, my dear, it may be my last promise
me that you vnll not name it to your ikther. I know that you will
not refuse to take it for my sake ^I know you will not; but it need
not be mentioned to him, my dear : it fised not. You promise?"
" I do," replied Louise, " I do."
'* K)d bless you, my child I Kd bless you ! And now," he added
in broken accents, as Valentine entered, ^fiuewell! fiu)well! Be
happy ! May Heaven protect you all !" when, placing Lonise in the
arms of Valentine, he turned and sobbing aloud left the room.
His utter prostration of spirit touched Uiem nearly. Even Valentine
was deeply aR9cted ; but as upon him devolved the task of restoring
them ad, his feelings were studiously concealed. He assumed an air
not of gaiety, but of calnmess; and as he felt that the sooner they left
then the better, he hastened their departure as much as strict delicacy
could sanction, and soon succeeded m getting them into the coach.
Here he allowed their feelings to have free vent. He did not attempt
to check them ; but on arriving at the house, he soon subdued them by
explaining how ill they would accord vnth the feelings of Whitdy, and
how calculated to induce him to believe that Raven rail held that place
in their afiections which on^t to be occupied by him.
Louise saw at a glance the justice, as well as the expediency of act-
ing upon this suggwtion, whidi Valentine no sooner perceived than he
began to talk m a livelier strain, and thus by degrees raised her
spirits.
Having partaken of some lefireshment, Lonise and the widow, who
were inseparable, left Valentine and Fred, playfully intimatmg that
they hoped to have the honour of their company at six. Before, how-
ever, Louise left the room, she gave Valentine the pocket-book which
Raven had presented to her, and having explained to him the promise
6he had given, told him to see when we was gone what it contained.
He did so: it was the cover of a pocket-book merely; but he found
therein twenty one-thousand pound-notes, and a packet, apparently of
VALENTINE VOX. 609
parchment, sealed and addressed to him, with instructions that the seal
was not to he broken until after Raven's death.
'' I scarcely know," thought Valentine, '' that we ought to receive
this ; and yet, were we to return it, it would perhaps break his heart I
Well, well ; we shall see."
'' Hur never tit !" cried Fred, as if he had that moment awakened
from a dream. ^' As true as cootness ! ^Well, now, inteet, look you,
really, ant in truth, now : hur never cootness knows it !"
" Did you speak ?" inquired Valentine, as if he had not been quite
positive about the matter.
'^ Hur was only thinking apout the treatful scene petween my uncle
that is, Mr. Raven ant Louey. Hur titn't like to let them see me,
although cootness knows it. Putt hur say, my poy, how tuU he must
pe now, without anypotty apout himi Hur wish he was coing to
tine witii us to-day, after all ; hur too inteet,"
" J'red," sud Valentine, ^' to-day you must on no account suffer his
name to escape your lips."
'^ !No, hur know, hur know I - it*s only to you. Putt as true as
hur*iii alive, hur wish he was coing to tine with us."
^^ You would rather that he snould dine with us than Miss Love-
lace?"
^^ No, cootness, no : hur'd rather have her than five thousant Mr
Ravens. Putt is she coming, my poy ? la she coming V
*' She will dine with us, of course."
*^ Hur titn't know that, now. Inteet, then, hur titn*t. Hur'm very
clat you tolt me."
*^ Ai^ you really in love with that girl, Fred ?**
^^ Over het ant ears I Putt isn't she a peautiful creature ?"
^* She appears to be a very sweet girl. But I shall know more
about her in the morning. I shall have to kiss her to-morrow, you
know : all day long I sliaS be at iW
^' Phot ! kiss Mus Lovelace ?"
*^ As the bridesmaid, of course."
*' Is that the etiquette of the pusiness ? If it is* oh ! hur wish hur
was you ! Ant yet hur tout, pecause then hur shoot pe marriet to
LfOuey, ant shoot have to love nopotty pesites. Putt hur ton't think
bur coot kiss Miss Lovelace I Hur think hur shoot plush too much,
ant tremple. However, hur*m very clat you tolt me she was coming,
pecause hur must co ant tress a little for tinner."
^^ Of course ! That is indispensable. But will you first go with
me?"
Anyphere in the worlt !'* replied Fred.
Let us start, then," said Valentine ; and they left the house at
once, and proceeded to a jeweller's, where Valentine purchased several
rings, but especially one which he was anxious for Louise to present to
Whitely. They then caUed upon Uncle John, and while he was dress-
ing, Valentine summoned the widow Smugman, and commissioned her
to purchase a bride cake ^the richest she could meet with and an ex-
traordinary quantity of white kid gloves^ which were to be sent to the
4 I
dlO LIFB AND ADYHNTOiEB OF
house forthwith ; and when Uncle John conndered himself soffieientlf
beautified to accompany them, they entered a coach, and drove round
for Whitely, who was delighted with the idea of their calling for him
nnder the circumstances, and joined them without delay.
On arriving at the house, they were received with much elegance by
Louise, who mtroduced Uiem to Miss Lovelace, the only stranger pre-
sent; and then addressed herself almost exclusively to her father, whom
she thereby made perfectly happy. Fred managed he would have
been indeed puzzled to tell how but he did manage, to get to one of
the windows with Miss Lovelace^ and while Uncle John and the
widow were on the sofa conversing about sundry domestic arrange-
ments, Valentine was giving various instructions to the servants, but
more especially for the cake to be produced in the event of its arriving
in time for the dessert. He was however but a short time absent, and
soon after his return to the drawing-room dinner was announced, when
Whitely of course took Louise, and Valentine Miss Lovelace, which
Fred thought particularly hard. He sat however next to her at table,
which was a great consolation ; but then he couldn't eat ! He managed
the soup very fairly; the wine too he managed : he also disposed of a
little fish, but after that he had no more appetite than an infimt. He
could not tell at all what to make of it. He was more than half in-
clined to become alarmed. He did fimcy at one time the breast of a
chicken; but as it happened that on its being placed before him be
caught the eyes of Miss Lovelace, the breast of the chicken remained
untouched. He held this to be somewhere about the oddest thing in
life ; but that which he considered more particularly odd, was the hid
that Miss Lovelace arranged it so that her eyes met his every moment
He had no idea that her immediate object was to give him every scope
to take wine with her. No : that indeed was the very thing he was
anxious to do, and he tried to do it several times; but the very moment
her eyes were turned towards him with an encouraging expression, he
averted his and looked extremely stupid. To his purely private
feelings this was very distressing, while it was not very pleasant to
Miss Lovelace, for she certainly md try very hard to give him courage,
and thought it very odd that it should be without success. At length
being quite out of patience, she gave the thing up, when he became
more composed ; still he never in his life made so frightful a dinner !
the quantity he consumed was really out of all character trifling : in-
deed so trifling, that when his appetite returned with the tranquillity
of his mind, no cherished serious thoughts of temporary starvation
until the cake was produced with the dessert according to tiie
instructions of Valentine, who conceived that while its production could
not be very incorrect, as they were by themselves, it would at least
have novelty to recommend it when he fully made up for lost time
by setting to work upon it with unexampled zest.
There was however one at the table whose enjoyment was superior
to that of any other person present, and that was Whitely. His plea-
sure was of a peculiar character. He felt intensely happy : his Mcity
was toanquil, but^his heart was filled with the truest, the purest delights
VALENTINE VOX. 611
He addressed himself chiefly to Louise, with whom he felt more than ever
charmed, and when she had retired, his burden was his child, whose name
he appeared to be unable to pronounce without shedding tears of joy.
As they had all to be up early in the morning ten being the honr
appointea for the ceremony to take place they sat but a short time
over their wine. Nor did they remain long on rejoining the ladies. They
all, indeed, seemed most unwilling to leave, for they aU felt most happy ;
but certain considerations which had reference to the repose more
especially of Louise, induced them to take their departure early, when
Uncle John suddenly recollecting that although the health of the
bride and the bridegroom had been drunk, it nad not been drunk
properly would have them all home with him, and with him they
remained till past midnight.
In the morning at mne precisely, as had been previously arranged,
Valentine and Uncle John who had risen at half past five with the
view of being in time called for Whitely and Fred, and then pro-
ceeded in the highest possible spirits to the house which contained thd
fair bride.
It has been said by some philosqpher dther ancient or modem, that
a woman never looks so beautiful as on the morning of her marriage
with him whom she loves; but as it seems perfecuy unnecessary to
say that which has been said perhaps several times before, it will in all
probability, be suflBcient to state that on this happy occasion Louise
looked more lovely than ever. She was dressed with extreme neatness,
and that very neatness imparted to her appearance an additional charm,
while from her eye softly beamed fond affection, and she smiled with
surpassing sweetness upon him by whom she knew that she was ten-
derly beloved.
" Well, now mteet," said Fred addressing Miss Lovelace, as Valen-
tine and Louise were exchanging such terms of endearment as those
which lovers in general under the same sweet circumstances are prone
to exchange ; '^ phot am hur to too, look you, phen hur'm in church ?
Hur've peen looking over the pumness, put cootness knows hur can fini
no instructions inteet neither for you nor for me, look you ! phot
have we poth cot to too V
*^ Why unfortunately," replied Miss Lovelace, as her meny eyes
twinkled ^^ we have to do nothing but to stand and look on."
^^ Tit you say unfortunately V inquired Fred with much emphasis.
" Why I think yes I'm qmte inclined to believe that I did.
But do you wish to have something to do ?"
" Tecititly I ant something to say."
^' And so do I. What a remarkable coincidence ! Suppose we
insist upon having something to say ! suppose we are married at the
same time !"
'' Oh! apove all other putt too you mean cootness knows I-
too y6u really mean that f"
" Why" said Miss Lovelace, archly" hesitating " not exactly."
^^ Now that is too pat ! pecause if you tecititly tit, inteet the
pusiness shoot pe tone ! '
12 LIFE AND ABTKNTVIUB OF
^^ Your politeness is oonspionons. I appreciate ii, believe me. Bat
I am strongly disposed to think, do 70U know, that if we defo* mr
marriage it will perhaps taking all things into consideration be as
well !"
^' You are a very creat tease to me," said Fred, ^* ant oootness knows
it. You first raise my hopes, ant then tash them to the crount."
Had Fred studied for a month to make a formal declaration, he
could not more effectually have imparted to Miss Lovelace the know-
ledge of how matters stood. She however disdained, of course ! to
make it appear that she knew aught about it, and continued to address
him in the most playful style, without apparently giving it a sinde
thought that with her playfulness, she was dealing destraction to hk
peace.
The time for starting now arrived, and the carriages dashed up to
the door, when Whitely took the hand of Louise, and having fondly
embraced her, he blessed her with fervour and led her forth wiui pride.
On arriving at the church, Valentine saw a figure anxiously hurry-
ing into one of the curtained pews near the altar. He merely caught a
glimpse of that figure, but he knew it in an instant to be Raven. He
was, however, silent on the subject, for as he alone had seen him he
was anxious of course, that to all besides, the fact of his presence
should remain unknown.
Having been courteously received by the officiating minister, they
proceeded to the altar, and the ceremony commenced, and during its
progress the firmness of Louise never deserted her for an instant.
Whitely shed tears, and so did the Widow and Uncle John : the eyes
of Fred sparkled, and so did those of Miss Lovelace : but Louise was
as firm as Valentine himself: her hand never trembled, her voice never
faltered : the purity of her heart and mind sustained her, and both
were as calm as they were pure.
The ceremony ended, they repaired to the vestry, but while at the
altar Valentine frequently heard a deeply drawn sigh and a fervent
response proceed from the pew which the broken-hearted Raven had
entered. He would have gone to him willingly, had it been only to
shake hands with him in silence, but as this was impossible without
being observed, he tried to forget him and the agony which he knew
he would that day especially have to endure, and so far he succeeded,
that on leaving the church all his thoughts were fixed on his beautifal
bride.
On their return they sat down to a sumptuous breakfast, and all
felt inspired with gaiety and joy. Each dwelt upon how the others
looked during the ceremony, but nothing was lauded so generally or so
highly as the firmness and graceful deportment of Louise.
As the carriage had been ordered at twelve, to convey the bride
and bridegroom. Miss Lovelace and the Widow, to Brighton where,
as originally proposed, the honey-moon was to be passed the
ladies immediately after breakfast retired to prepare for tiieir journey,
and thus occupied themselves in a transport of happiness until the
hour appointed for their departure had arrived, when, after a most
VALENTINE VOX. (513
wann and affectionate adiea, they started with the understanding
that Whitely, Uncle John, and Fred, should join them at Brighton on
the morrow.
CHAPTER LXIX.
BRINGS THE HISTORY TO A CLOSE.
The life and adventures of Valentine as a ventriloquist may he said to
have ended with his marriage. He did for the pure gratification of
Louise, whom he continued to love with the most affectionate warmth
indulge occasionally in the development of his power; hut as he
found that in proportion as the strength of his assumed voice increased,
that of his natural voice diminished, he on all other occasions con-
tented himself with a relation of the various scenes which his peculiar
&culty had enabled him to produce, and never fidled to excite by
such relation the most uproarious mirth.
As a wife Louise was most devoted and most happy. Before
marriage, words had passed between her and her Valentine indicative of
the possession of a fiery disposition ; but that fire which is commonly
kindled in those who have been petted and spoiled, who have been the
kings or the queens of their immediate sphere, and who have neither
known society beyond their own circle nor tasted affliction was extin-
guished. She seemed to live upon his smiles : her highest aim was to
make him happy. No frown ever gathered upon h^ fair brow ; no
word of reproof ever passed her lips. He gave her indeed but little
cause for reproof; for while in him no vicious habits had been engen-
dered, he had seen far too much of the world to be drawn by its
daasding ephemeral follies from the sphere of honour and permanent
peace ; but, independently of everything which might have been sup-
posed to be a cause, she felt disinclined at all times to notice any slight
accidental irregularity, which morbid minds are too prone to construe
into neglect, and this disinclination was based upon the knowledge of
that all-important matrimonial secret, that wives, to be happy, must
study at all times the happiness of their husbands.
^' Dear Valentine," she would say, ^^ I know not whether all married
people enjoy the felicity which we enjoy ; but if, my love, they do,
marriage in general must indeed be a delightful state of existence."
^' It w in general a delightful state of existence," Valentine would
reply ; ^^ but Uie felicity which we enjoy is experienced only by those
who, like us, strive to promote each other's happiness. It is not every
man, my Louise, that has a wife so devoted, so affectionate, as I have ;
but vrith all that affection, with all that devotion, I should not, I could
not be happy, did I not believe that you were. Amiability, if even it
be without fond affection, is a greater promoter of happiness, my love.
CI 4 LIFE AMB ADYENTinMES OF
than the fondest affection without amiability; bnt where a man has, as
I hare, a dear little wife, who deyelopee, as you do, both, he mnst be
if, indeed, he can appreciate both he must be as I am, happy
indeed."
And .thus they lived, devotedly attached to each other, cheEishiiig
reciprood confidence and love.
Kaven did not long survive the blow inflicted upon him by the less
of Louise. On the morning of her marriage, he returned home after
the ceremony in a state of extreme wretchedness, and was in conse-
quence, for several days, confined to his bed ; but by virtue of great
care and skilful treatment on the part of his physician, he rallied, and
was no sooner enabled to set about again, than in a letter, in whidi
his whole history was condensed, and in which he again and again ex-
pressed his contrition for what had occurred between him and the wife
of Whiteiy he sent a formal proposition of marriage to Vakntine's
mother, declaring, in terms the most eloquent, that the remainder of his
life should be [proudly devoted to the pleasurable task oi renderii^ her
happiness complete.
The widow, on the recapt of this proposal, scarcely knew how to
act. She consulted Undo John ; she consulted Valentine ; she con-
sulted Louise ; but as from neither could she extort a single word of
advice, she was compelled to fidl back upon her own judgment, and the
result of the deliberate exercise of that judgment was that die gracefully
decfined, on the sole specific ground of her having resolved not to
marry agam.
This refusal altiiongh couched in the most delicate and el^aiit
terras was a death-blow to Raven. He never left the house 2ive
after that. He considered his &te to be thereby sealed, and, as he
ascribed it to the assumed fiict of his being despised, he gave himself up
to despair. While on his death-bed, he was frequently visited by
Uncle John. Valentine, too, often saw him, and when on the point oi
dissolution, his spirit was cheered by the presence of Louise, vdiom he
caressed vrith all the rapture he had strength to ^splay. Tlie delighii
however, which her visit excited had the eroct of accelerating his dwth.
Almost immediately after her departure, he ceased to breathe, while in
the act of praying that she might be blessed and protected for ever.
To Valentine he bequeathed the whole of his wealth, and although
he had lived for many years in the most splendid affluence, so strieUy
had he kept aloof from all society, that had it not bera for the mere
sake of appearance, Valentine and his uncle were the only two persons
by whom he would have been followed to the grave.
Nor did Whiteiy lone survive him. The cruel treatment he had ex-
perienced while confined in Uie Asylum had so efiectuaUy undennined
his constitution, that when the excitement which gave him an unnatural
strength had subsided, he calmly and gradually sank. In his bat mo-
ments, however, he had the joy of being attended by his children : he
was happy in viewmg their prospect of happiness, and thus he tranquilly
died.
Soon after his death, Fred mairied Miss Lovdaec, and goodness
T4Z.BNTINB VOX. 615
knei^ it. It was a long time before she would give her consent al-
though the afiair had b^n to all intents and purposes settled at Brighton
but at length she reaOy could not any longer withhold it: he was
such an extremely good-natnred soul l-^he had so happy a dispositicm !
he was so attentive, so kind, so affectionate, so excessively affec-
tionate i so devoted ! And they lived very happily together, and in
the due course of time had a very fair fiimUy of children ; but if the
truth must be told and the necessity for telling it may be fairly
admitted she most certainly did idbeit not much enamoured of
equestrian exercises in general -ride the high horse in reality rough-
shod over the proud pre-eminence of his position as a man. Sometimes
he would attempt to reason vnth her on this special point ; but in the
vocal department she oould beat him out of the field. He stood no
chance at all vrith her there : competition was quite out of the question.
He, notwithstanding, often thought that if she could only understand a
little Webh that being the tongue in which he was able to express
his sentiments with most eloquence he should have a better prospect
of success, and with this view he tried on various occasions, by divers
strong arguments, to prevail upon her to learn that peculiarly euphonious
and hquid language, but in vain ; she had a horror of the ^*buz2" of it;
she could not endure it : she pointedly declared that it set her teeth on
edge, and he was therefore compelled to give it up. Still Fred was not
unhappy fiar, very hx from it. He loved his little Caroline, and she
loved him : neither would have been separated from the other for the
world ; but she would go occasionally to rather alarming lengths, with
the view of establishing her ascendancy upon a sound substantial
basb.
** Toes Louey," he inquired of Valentine, with a singular expression,
in the early part of hb matrimonial career, '* toes Louey ever pounce
apout, my poy, ant plow up, look you ?"
** Never !" replied Valentine.
" Not phen you are with her alone ?"
^' Never ! She is always the same gentle creature, always amiable,
always cahn."
**' Well, inteet, then, cootness knows, Gary's not a pit like her.
Hur ton*t mean to say that she's anj^thine 'pat, look you! No,
she's a coot cirl; at heart a very coot cin inteet; putt hur must
say that if she were a little more like Louey hur shoot like it all
the petter."
*^ Why Caroline always appears to be very amiable and kind ; and I
am sure she is fond of you, Fred."
** So she is, my poy ; yes, so she is I Ant she pehaves herself like
a princess Tphen aproat ; it's quite peautifiil to pe with her ; putt phen
she gets home it is nai inteet so peautifiil !"
' What 1 does she scold, Fred T
*^ Soolt ! Hur pelieve you. Hur ton't wish to say a ringle wort
against Cary, nor woot hur say a wort to any other creature preathing;
putt if hur coot putt make her unterstant that it woot pe most tecitetly
GIO LIFE AMD ADVBNTURB8 OF
pefcter if she were always as milt as Looey, hur shoot like it, look yoa^
apore all other things in the worlt !"
Fred however never did suoceed in preyailing upon Caroline to on-
derstand thisn His very inability to pronounce his b's formed an in*
superable bar to his perfect success, although this was not so great a
thing as might have been expected, for notwithstanding the ezistenoe
of this bar luie was very well considering, when she had her own way;
but whenever he Moshed to have his, or offered the slightest opposition
to her will, it became strictly necessary for him to look out.
They visited Valentine constantly. He was poor Fred's adviser
although he never interfered : Carohne needed no adviser ; she found
that she could manage matters very well without ; but although they
dined with Valentine, Louise, and Unde John, twice and frequently
three times a week, she never by any accident exhibited there the pre-
eminence she had acquired, which made things pleasant to all, and
thus year after year their social intercourse continued to be unin-
terupted.
One morning, as Valentine and Louise, having sent the carriage on,
were pursuing their way towards Pall Mall, their attention was at-
tracted by an extraordinary looking cabman, who while bowing to
them and smiling, and raising his hat, seemed to be in a state of general
extacy. Valentine shook his head with a view of intimating to him
that his services were not required; but the fellow about whom
there was a great deal of style, for his cravat was tied in the newest
knot, and while he sported an imperial beneath his nether lip, an eye-
glass appeared by the side of his badge was not satisfied with this,
but contmued to smile and to raise his hat with unexampled grace, and
at length drove up to them, when Valentine recognized him at once
it was Horace.
^^ What Horace !" he cried, smiling with an expression of amaze-
ment.
^^ This is the dodge, sir : this is the dodge," observed Horace, ^ I
hope you are in a state of salubrity. Haven't seen you for 9everal
generations."
" Why, how long have you been at this work V
*^ A blessed six months come the seven-and-twentieth."
^^ Well, call upon me," said Valentine, giving his card, *^ well talk
things over and see what can be done."
'^ Let me drive you home," said Horace. *^ Do let me drive you.
I want a bit of felicity just at this time, and that will be about the
thing. It's much better than pedestrianising over the stones- Be-
sides it will make me happy."
*' Well !" said Valentine, ^' be it so ;" and when he and Louise had
entered the cab, the horse dashed away in the highest style of which he
was capable.
On arriving at the house and they Vere not long doing the dis-
tanceHorace leaped from his seat with amazing alacrity, and per^
formed one of the most rScherehi knocks upon record.
ic
u
VALENTINB VOX. 17
*' Come in," said Valentine, on alighting ; '' the servant shall hold
your horse."
" You are very polite," returned Horace, " but he never stirs with-
out me, except upon the stand. But you may," he added, addressing
the servant, and waving his hand with an air, ^' you may give an eye
to the animal !"
^ Nf^w then," said Valentine, when he and Horace had entered the
parlour, ^^ let us have a glass of wine. How are they all at home ?"
" Polly is pretty salubrious," replied Horace, " but the old lady's
no great tiiines. She has never been able to get over the fact of the
governor havmg walked into the water. You heard of that affair I
suppose V
* Unhappily, I saw it."
" You did !-
I happened to be on the bridge at the very time.**
What, did he leap off the bridge ? How was it ? Do tell me :
we never could lesm. All we know is, that he was picked up at
Limehouse Hole, dead as but how did it happen V
Valentine explained, and with so much feeling, that he even drew
tears from the eyes of Horace !
*^ After all," said Horace, when Valentine paused ; " it's of no use
for a man to go crooked in this world. Things are sure to come round;
it's sure to come home to him ; he's sure to be served out in some way.
That property of uncle's ^you know all about it ? What good did it
do us ? Why it flew like blessed chaff before the hurricane ! Twenty
shares in this dodge, fifty shares in that, and a hundred shares in the
other : safe to turn up something out and out : safe ! And so they
did : they all turned up swindles, the dirtiest swindles, and thus the
money was dodged away. The day on which we missed the old
governor, an execution was in the house, and there were we without
the money even to buy a leg of mutton. Of course every stick was
walked off with the utmost regularity : we hadn't a bed to lie upon,
nor a gridiron to cook a mutton chop. The governor was buried by
the parish, because as we didn't happen to hear of it in time, we
couldn't own him, so that expense was spared ; but starvation looked
us right full in the face, and starved we must have been beyond all
dispute, had it not been that the old lady luckily had a whole mob of
pawnbroker's tickets for every thing portable had been pledged
which tickets we gradually sold, and for a week or two, managed to
get a bellyfull of victuals with the proceeds. I endeavoured, of course,
to obtain employment, but the fools to whom I applied made a point of
setting up a loud laugh, as if they derived the most exalted satisfaction
from the idea ! I knocked several of them down, and got fined for the
assault, but that was a luxury I was soon obliged to cut, for the fines
walked into the tickets most amazingly ! I was willing to do any thing
in the world, but was able to get nothing in the world to do. I tried
it on at the wharfs : it was no go there : stronger men were standing
about unemployed. I answered a lot of advertisements for clerks : no
character, no recommendation. I tried to get a birtli as a grooro
4 k
1S LIFE AND APYSNTUREfi OF
'How long did you lire in your last place?' That settled it. I told them
all as plainly as a man could speak that I'd do my very utmost and try aU
I knew. But no, the fools would not have me ! What then was I to
do? I would not come any felonification. I made up my mind to that,
come what might ; although it certainly was a very rotten positiim for
a fellow to be placed in without twopence halfpenny in his pocket,
and without a Mend whom he could borrow twopence halfpenny of :
lor all those trumps whom I used to meet and treat with brandy-and-
water cut me dead when I became a litUe seedy : it was Wonderful
how suddenly they became short-sighted: they oould not see a bit
beyond their noses : it was quite an epidemic omonsst them, and I had
some thoughts of applying to the opticians for emfU03rment, conceiving
that the spectacle trade must of necessity be looking up ; but then what
did I know about the spectacle trade or any other tr^e ? what did I know
about any thing ? Nothing. Look at the way in which I was brought
up ! Train up a child in the way he should toddle you know the rat,
but what was I fit for ? That's where I felt it ! What coidd I do ? I
should not have cared if I alone had had to grub my way through it : I
shouldn't have cared if I'd had no one to look to but myself. I'd have
trotted into the Army if that had been all, or gone on board a man-of-
war, or walked over to Australia or New Zealand, or any other uncul-
tivated feature on the face of the earth. I'd have got a crust some-
where for myself; but there were the wcrnien ! what were they to do ?
That was the puU ! I couldn't leave them ! They sufiered enough as it
was, for I couldn't earn a penny, nor they couldn't earn a penny. They
had strong thoughts at one time of taking in mangling, but we hadn't
enough money to get a machine. We hadn't sufficient even to buy
a board *" Mangling done here' ^although that might have been adver-
tised in chalk upon the shutter; but the machine was the thing; let
them have tried all they knew, they couldn't have mangled without a
machine. Nor would the washing dodge do, for they hadn't a tub,
while there was not a creature under the canopy of heaVen who would
give them credit for a ha'porth of soap. I tried to raise money on my
own personal security ; but that was no go, they wouldn't have it,
although I offered them anything per cent. And thus we went mud-
dling on week after week and month after month, I out from
morning till night to get sufficient for a meal, and they at home more
than half naked, praying for my success. Sometimes I took home a
sixpence, but more frequently nothing. They knew the moment I en-
tered whether I had anything for them or not. If I had, thdr eyes
brightened up like brilliants as they kissed me ; if not, they kissed me
all the same, and I heard no complaint but that involved in a sigh,
which they would have suppressed if they could."
" That was very sad, very sad indeed," observed Valentine.
^ Sad !" echoed Horace, ^^ thete, if you'll believe roe, I was some-
times ready to go and crib a mutton-chop! I was indeed! And
I should have done it frequently, when I saw them at home starving ;
I know I should ; but that I had firmly resolved that as an act of dish
honesty had brought us to that, I would never, while I lived, be
engaged in another."
VALENTINE VOX. 6*19
** And to that lesolation jovl adhered ?"
^^ I did, and ever will. I cannot have greater temptations than I
have had, and I know now that I can resist them."
" But why did yon not apply to me ?"
'^ Pride was the first cause, inability the second. I was too proud
to do so till everything was gone, and by that time you had left
the house in which yon used to live, and I suppose they thought you
didn't want to be troubled with me at all, for I couldn't persuade them
to give me your address."
" That was wrong of them ; very, very wrong."
'^ Fortunately, however, soon after I (UIed, which was not till every
other hope was witliered to a stalk, I managed to pick up a few six-
pences by assisting the grooms to rub their horses down, and so on,
which carried me for a long time over the ground, indeed until one of
the grooms turned livery-staUe keeper, when, fanncying that I knew,
perhaps, somethine about a horse, and I flatter mysdf I do, he did
the handsome, and put me on a cab, which suits me very well, and I
have been at it ever nnee, and the women are of course gatlierine toge-
ther a littile flesh again, although I douH suppose that the old lady will
ever get over the governor's death. However he could dream of
cutting out of the world in that way I can't for the lifd of me
imagine."
^^ But of course you believe him to have been insane at the time V
** Why, to tell you the truth, and it's useless now to disguise it,
he was never in his right senses after that unblest kidnapping afiair.
His mind vras always diseased, always wandering. His imagination
was always on the rack. He v^as continually conjuring up some
spectral nonsense, continually fancying that hia brother stood before
him. But that which hurt him more than all was the fact of his bro-
ther having left him the whole of his property precisely as if nothing
had occurred. That was the thing; that was his real death-blow.
After that he took to brandy, of which he drank enormous quantities,
sufficient, I should say, in a week, to sew up a whole regiment of
soldiers. But it never made him drunk ! That was the most remark-
able point of the compass. It made him mad, doubtless, and desperate
in his speculations, for of all the* extraordinary there, I do firmly
believe that if a company had been started for the restoration of rotten
eggs, he would have taken a hundred shares at a premium. However,
he is gone, and perhaps the less that is said of his errors the better."
** Well," said Valentine, " touching your present position : you
must be doing something better for yourself than driving a cab. Turn
the thing over in your mind, and let me in a day or two see you again.
If there be any kind of business into which you would like to enter, let
me know, and if I see the slightest prospect of your being successful,
I'll lend you sufficient money to commence with, and you shall under-
take to return it to me when you grow rjph. In the mean time," he
continued, vnriting a cheque for a hundred pounds, ^' give this to your
wife, and tell her to hope for better days."
For some time Horace looked as if unable to believe what he heard ;
but wh.en Valentine shook hands with him, and gave him the cheque
G20 LIFE AND ADTENTURBS OF VALENTINE VOX.
at tbe same time, hia feelings of gratitude overcame him, and he buist
into tears.
'' I don't know what to say !" he cried at length.
^^ Sajr nothing," returned Valentine. ^^ Let me see you ag^n soon."
Horace wiped his eyes with the bow of his cravat, and prepared to
depart ; but oefore he left the room, he grasped Valentine's hand, and
with the most intense earnestness and fi^ng, said, ^' In the names of
my poor wife and mother I thank you."
Valentine frequently saw him after this. He assisted him in every
posable way, and Horace lost no opportunity of evincing his gratitude.
He purchased for him the lease of some liveiy-stables, which were a
source of considerable emolument, and had the gratification of sedng
him prosper by virtue of indefatigable zeal. And to Valentine who
gloried in acts of benevolence it was a high gratification indeed.
Being exceedingly wealthy, he had the power at his command to do an
inunense amount of good, and he never permitted an opportonity for
the exercise of that power to escape him. The more happiness he im-
parted to others, the more happy he felt. He was esteemed by all who
knew him : he was honoured, beloved. With his beautiful, devoted
Louise, his sweet children, his good mother, and Uncle John who was
always in a state of rapture, and seldom, indeed, whether at home or
abroad, without a child upon his knee he continued to live in the
purest enjojrment of health, wealth, honour, and peace.