Harris_Rutledge.txt topic ['13', '324', '378', '393']
a moment, shut the dour and
tried to prepare myself. was a good deal to help
me to be calm; some pride and some humility s. prayer -
and the remembrance of my sorrow and the gulf that lay
between the present and the past ; and went downstairs
quite self-possessed and quiet.
study was so dusky could hardly see my visitor'^ face
as he rose to meet me. longed to keep the dusk, but said :
" you mind twilight, sir ? head aches a little, but
if you prefer it, will send for candles."
" at all," he said, sitting down opposite me in the
window. " am sorry to hear you are not well.
told me, when she admitted me, that it was doubtful
whether you coul^ come down ; but fancied you would
not have the least hesitation in declining to see me if you
were not able."
" did think, sir, when you were first announced, that
would beg you to excuse me ; but remembered that pos-
sibly you might be returning to the city to-morrow, and
this might be my last chance of seeing you, so made an
effort to come down."
was a moment's pause, which broke by saying :
" wanted to see you, sir, about the change in my plans,
which, as . 's nearest friend, you would, per-
haps, be kind enough to sanction."
" was about that that came this evening."
" are very kind, sir, and so may go at once to the
subject. know, of course, of . 's legacy;
that, with my own property, is sufficient to provide very
comfortably for and myself. propose raaki^ig my
arrangements to leave here within a fortnight, keeping
with me ; but for the other servant, , would
ask your advice. has been some time in the family
and is a faithful person. it be best to leave her in
the house till it is otherwise occupied, or to provide a place
for her, and close the house ? know, as shall have
500 .
*
the packing up and settling of all at the last, it is necessary
should know your wishes."
" do not quite comprehend. had understood from
. that it was his wish that you should re-
main for the present here. he not express the same to
you ?"
" did, sir, but it was a mistaken kindness. 1 had
lather go now ; and do not think there can be any wrong
in disregarding a request which he only meant as an indul-
gence and a respite, and would not have insisted on if he
had known my reasons."
" know them ?"
" are so many, sir, it would not be worth while to
trouble you."
" wrong when fancy that one is, that the house
belongs to one from whom you would not endure an obli-
gation ?"
" put it too harshly, sir ; but in truth do not like
obligations."
" would incur none, then, let me assure you, by re-
maining here. house will be unoccupied ; should be
glad to have some one in it, and there is, fear, little
chance of having the parish permanently suited with a
clergyman before fall, and even after that, there is no ne-
cessity of retaining this as a parsonage ; there are one or
two bouses nearer the church, which would, indeed, be
more convenient."
" you, sir, but it will be impossible. do not
estimate the difficulties. cannot stay here : and perhaps
you will be kind enough to tell me what to do about the
arrangement of the books. they be packed, or are
they to remain on the shelves ? here, sir, is the key
of the private drawers in that book-case, that was to give
you when you came,"
voice faltered as delivered my kind friend's lasl
message. was a long pause, then said t
. 6^)]
things are very trying to you now; there m no
need that you should distress yourself by attending to them
at once. them till later.''
" , sir, it is better that they should be all arranged be-
fore you go. do not mind the effort of undertaking it at
once."
** how do you know am going ? will not a
few weeks hence do as well ?"
** , sir, as told you, should prefer that everything
were settled, the papers arranged, the house vacated, be-
fore you go abroad. may make no difference, but it will
be more agreeable to me."
" am not going abroad ; do not intend to leave -
rica again. you not be contented to let things rest as
they are at present, and to let me, in some degree, take the
place of him you have lost ? , you are homeless
and friendless you have no one to direct or guide
you "
" have considered this, sir, more fully, perhaps, than
you have. is not a circumstance in my fate that
have not weighed. , do not need so much pity ;
your attention has just been called to it, and so it sounds
new and dreadful to you for a woman to be left so alone,
am used to the idea, and do not mind it.
will be kind to me, no doubt, and shall do very well."
" you are resolved to go away from here ?"
" a fortnight, sir."
" you refuse all offers of assistance from me, of aU
kinds ?"
'* , sir, you know it would be useless to trouble yon,
when do not need any ; but hope you understand that
am very grateful for your goodness."
" understand it fully, and that you decline any further
demonstration of it. if you have no scruple against
telling me where you intend to go, perhaps it would be
wiser to do it, as some cases may occur which you cannot
502 .
foresee, in which it would be safer for yoa to havo the
judgment and advice of one whose age and pxperieuee
place him above you in knowledge, of the world, at
least."
" would be impossible for me to tell you, sir, for
do not know in the least where shall go. know
1 have not had time to arrange my plans definitely it is
only two days since since have had to think about
them."
" you will not take more time, and put off any
change for a few months you will not let me advise you ?"
'* . , you are trying to make me seem rude ;
have but one answer to make, and it sounds so ungracious
you are not kind to oblige me to repeat it."
" will not ; believe understand how you wish it to
stand ; and perhaps you are right. is not necessaiy to
detain you longer," he continued, rising, " there is nothing
of importance left to say, believe. the books and
furniture, should prefer having them left for the present
in the house ; will not trouble you to do anything but to
send the keys, when you leave, to my house. .
will take charge of them. papers can look over at
my leisure. regard to the servant you spoke of will
mention her to . , and will see that she is
provided with a situation. there anything more ?"
" that remember at this moment, sir.
are very kind ; shall endeavor to leave everything in the
order you would ."
" do not doubt it; hope you will be able to bear
whatever you intend to put upon yourself, but you will do
well not to overtask your strength or fortitude just
now; you are not at present fit for exertion.
forget "
rose, and held out my hand ; he went on : " know
you have always my best wishes ; \here is no need for m^
to say that.'*'
. 608
** know it, sir,'* replied, with what steadiness of voice
could. " wish could tell you how" but the words
choked me. did not relinquish my hand, but with a
change from the cold tone of his last words, he
exclaimed hurriedly, and with a smothered vehemenct :
" wish you could tell me what? wish you
could tell me what already know could tell me that you
pity me that you are sorry for the pain you give me ?
you know how much it costs me to say a final farewell
to you and that you are sorry sorry. ! need
not wish to do it ; can spare you that. came to you
to-night to see if time, and sorrow, and necessity had not
helped me in my suit ; to try, for the last time, whether
there was any chance of winning you ; came to tempt
you by the fortune and the luxury could offer you, just to
endure my love, and to repay, by ever so cold a kindness,
the devotion of years, came, misled by a hope held out
by one who loved us both too well to be an impartial
judge ; and find you colder, more distant than erer, and
that the hope have been trying to extinguish so long is
only rekindled to be quenched at last utterly
" girl " he went on, in a lower tone, " how little
you know what you throw away. vain to cling so
fondly to a memory. me, it will not be wronging
the dead little thought should ever stoop to ask
it, but only try to love me only consent to give me your
esteem and consideration, and will take the risk of teach-
ing you to love me. it nothing to be loved as have
loved you ? be the first, and last, and only choice of a
man who has had so many to choose from? you no
vanity that can be touched no pride ? you had, could
allure you by the promise that you should be proud of the
position you would hold ; those who have slighted you
should look at you with envy ^those who '*
" , . do not talk of those things now 1
60i .
haTe given them up forever; shall never care again for
the world but there is something else "
" relent 1" he murmured, eagerly. " will con
sent to forget the past ^you will*'
" must tell you one thing first ; must tell you some-
thing that have told to no one else. . have mercy
on me if it is a sin, or if am betraying what should stil\
conceal. never felt the love you think did. deceived
him and you ; but as have been bitterly punished, and
bitterly penitent, so forgive me for it !
him and me there was another love, that began before
ever saw him that is not ended yet that has never known
change or wavering."
" that love ?"
his arms, my face hidden on his shoulder, could
whisper the answer to that question, and the confession of
the folly, acd deceit, and pride, that had so long kept me
from him.