was, How to do it. Then would the noble lord, or right
honourable gentleman, in whose department it was to defend the Circumlocution
Office, put an orange in his pocket, and make a regular field-day of the
occasion. Then would he come down to that house with a slap upon the table, and
meet the honourable gentleman foot to foot. Then would he be there to tell that
honourable gentleman that the Circumlocution Office not only was blameless in
this matter, but was commendable in this matter, was extollable to the skies in
this matter. Then would he be there to tell that honourable gentleman, that,
although the Circumlocution Office was invariably right and wholly right, it
never was so right as in this matter. Then would he be there to tell that
honourable gentleman that it would have been more to his honour, more to his
credit, more to his good taste, more to his good sense, more to half the
dictionary of commonplaces, if he had left the Circumlocution Office alone, and
never approached this matter. Then would he keep one eye upon a coach or crammer
from the Circumlocution Office sitting below the bar, and smash the honourable
gentleman with the Circumlocution Office account of this matter. And although
one of two things always happened; namely, either that the Circumlocution Office
had nothing to say and said it, or that it had something to say of which the
noble lord, or right honourable gentleman, blundered one half and forgot the
other; the Circumlocution Office was always voted immaculate, by an
accommodating majority.
    Such a nursery of statesmen had the Department become in virtue of a long
career of this nature, that several solemn lords had attained the reputation of
being quite unearthly prodigies of business, solely from having practised, How
not to do it, at the head of the Circumlocution Office. As to the minor priests
and acolytes of that temple, the result of all this was that they stood divided
into two classes, and, down to the junior messenger, either believed in the
Circumlocution Office as a heaven-born institution, that had an absolute right
to do whatever it liked; or took refuge in total infidelity, and considered it a
flagrant nuisance.
    The Barnacle family had for some time helped to administer the
Circumlocution Office. The Tite Barnacle Branch, indeed, considered themselves
in a general way as having vested rights in that direction, and took it ill if
any other family had much to say to it. The Barnacles were a very high family,
and a very large family. They were dispersed all over the public offices, and
held