 an excuse. I see well enough now that I hoped for the impossible - for the
laying of what is the most obstinate ghost of man's creation, of the uneasy
doubt uprising like a mist, secret and gnawing like a worm, and more chilling
than the certitude of death - the doubt of the sovereign power enthroned in a
fixed standard of conduct. It is the hardest thing to stumble against; it is the
thing that breeds yelling panics and good, little, quiet villainies; it's the
true shadow of calamity. Did I believe in a miracle? And why did I desire it so
ardently? Was it for my own sake that I wished to find some shadow of an excuse
for that young fellow, whom I had never seen before, but whose appearance alone
added a touch of personal concern to the thoughts suggested by the knowledge of
his weakness - made it a thing of mystery and terror - like a hint of a
destructive fate ready for us all whose youth - in its day - had resembled his
youth? I fear that such was the secret motive of my prying, I was, and no
mistake, looking for a miracle. The only thing that at this distance of time
strikes me as miraculous is the extent of my imbecility. I positively hoped to
obtain from that battered and shady invalid some exorcism against the ghost of
doubt. I must have been pretty desperate too, for, without loss of time, after a
few indifferent and friendly sentences which he answered with languid readiness,
just as any decent sick man would do, I produced the word Patna wrapped up in a
delicate question as in a wisp of floss silk. I was delicate selfishly; I did
not want to startle him; I had no solicitude for him; I was not furious with him
and sorry for him: his experience was of no importance; his redemption would
have had no point for me. He had grown old in minor iniquities, and could no
longer inspire aversion or pity. He repeated Patna? interrogatively, seemed to
make a short effort of memory, and said, Quite right. I am an old stager out
here. I saw her go down. I made ready to vent my indignation at such a stupid
lie, when he added smoothly, She was full of reptiles.
    This made me pause. What did he mean? The unsteady phantom of terror behind
his glassy eyes seemed to stand still and look into mine wistfully. They turned
me out of my bunk in the middle watch to look at her sinking, he pursued in a
reflective tone. His voice
