 once. Had
I died, - in what peculiar misery should I have left you, my nurse, my friend,
my sister! - You, who had seen all the fretful selfishness of my latter days;
who had known all the murmurings of my heart! - How should I have lived in your
remembrance! - My mother too! How could you have consoled her! - I cannot
express my own abhorrence of myself. Whenever I looked towards the past, I saw
some duty neglected, or some failing indulged. Every body seemed injured by me.
The kindness, the unceasing kindness of Mrs. Jennings, I had repaid with
ungrateful contempt. To the Middletons, the Palmers, the Steeles, to every
common acquaintance even, I had been insolent and unjust; with an heart hardened
against their merits, and a temper irritated by their very attention. - To John,
to Fanny, - yes, even to them, little as they deserve, I had given less than
their due. But you, - you above all, above my mother, had been wronged by me. I,
and only I, knew your heart and its sorrows; yet, to what did it influence me? -
not to any compassion that could benefit you or myself. - Your example was
before me: but to what avail? - Was I more considerate of you and your comfort?
Did I imitate your forbearance, or lessen your restraints, by taking any part in
those offices of general complaisance or particular gratitude which you had
hitherto been left to discharge alone? - No; - not less when I knew you to be
unhappy, than when I had believed you at ease, did I turn away from every
exertion of duty or friendship; scarcely allowing sorrow to exist but with me,
regretting only that heart which had deserted and wronged me, and leaving you,
for whom I professed an unbounded affection, to be miserable for my sake.«
    Here ceased the rapid flow of her self-reproving spirit; and Elinor,
impatient to sooth, though too honest to flatter, gave her instantly that praise
and support which her frankness and her contrition so well deserved. Marianne
pressed her hand and replied,
    »You are very good. - The future must be my proof. I have laid down my plan,
and if I am capable of adhering to it - my feelings shall be governed and my
temper improved. They shall no longer worry others, nor torture myself. I shall
now live solely for my family. You, my mother, and Margaret, must henceforth be
all the
