 bed-time; he called for pen, ink, and paper, and
wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions.
 
        My dear brother Toby,
            What I am going to say to thee, is upon the nature of women, and of
        love-making to them; and perhaps it is as well for thee - tho' not so
        well for me - that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon
        that head, and that I am able to write it to thee.
            Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots - and
        thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou
        should'st have dipp'd the pen this moment into the ink, instead of
        myself; but that not being the case -- Mrs. Shandy being now close
        besides me, preparing for bed -- I have thrown together without order,
        and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents as I
        deem may be of use to thee; intending, in this, to give thee a token of
        my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of the manner in which it will be
        accepted.
            In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in
        the affair -- though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as
        I begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing,
        notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou
        neglectest - yet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance of
        thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted;
        and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprize, whether it be in the
        morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the
        protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one.
            Shave the whole top of thy crown clean, once at least every four or
        five days, but oftner if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before
        her, thro' absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has
        been cut away by Time -- how much by Trim.
            - 'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.
            Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it, as a sure maxim, Toby
        --
            »That women are timid:« And 'tis well they are -- else there would
        be no dealing with them.
            Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy
        thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors.
            -- A
