 for which, to the shame and indelicacy of our language be it spoke,
there is no chaste word throughout all Johnson's dictionary - let it suffice to
say - it was that particular aperture, which in all good societies, the laws of
decorum do strictly require, like the temple of Janus (in peace at least) to be
universally shut up.
    The neglect of this punctilio in Phutatorius (which by the bye should be a
warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this accident. -
    - Accident, I call it, in compliance to a received mode of speaking, - but
in no opposition to the opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in this matter;
I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it - and are so to
this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the whole event - but that the
chesnut's taking that particular course, and in a manner of its accord - and
then falling with all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no
other -- was a real judgment upon Phutatorius, for that filthy and obscene
treatise de Concubinis retinendis, which Phutatorius had published about twenty
years ago - and was that identical week going to give the world a second edition
of.
    It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy -- much undoubtedly
may be wrote on both sides of the question - all that concerns me as an
historian, is to represent the matter of fact, and render it credible to the
reader, that the hiatus in Phutatorius's breeches was sufficiently wide to
receive the chesnut; - and that the chesnut, some how or other, did fall
perpendicularly and piping hot into it, without Phutatorius's perceiving it, or
any one else at that time.
    The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for the
first twenty or five and twenty seconds, - and did no more than gently solicit
Phutatorius's attention towards the part: - But the heat gradually increasing,
and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure, and
then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain, - the soul of
Phutatorius, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, his attention, his
imagination, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy,
with ten batallions of animal spirits, all tumultuously crouded down, through
different defiles and circuits, to the place in danger, leaving all his upper
regions, as you may imagine, as empty as my purse.
    With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him back,
