. It was a lack of
robust self, she had no natural sufficiency, there was a terrible void, a lack,
a deficiency of being within her.
    And she wanted someone to close up this deficiency, to close it up for ever.
She craved for Rupert Birkin. When he was there, she felt complete, she was
sufficient, whole. For the rest of time she was established on the sand, built
over a chasm, and, in spite of all her vanity and securities, any common
maid-servant of positive, robust temper could fling her down this bottomless pit
of insufficiency, by the slightest movement of jeering or contempt. And all the
while the pensive, tortured woman piled up her own defences of æsthetic
knowledge, and culture, and world-visions, and disinterestedness. Yet she could
never stop up the terrible gap of insufficiency.
    If only Birkin would form a close and abiding connection with her, she would
be safe during this fretful voyage of life. He could make her sound and
triumphant, triumphant over the very angels of heaven. If only he would do it!
But she was tortured with fear, with misgiving. She made herself beautiful, she
strove so hard to come to that degree of beauty and advantage, when he should be
convinced. But always there was a deficiency.
    He was perverse too. He fought her off, he always fought her off. The more
she strove to bring him to her, the more he battled her back. And they had been
lovers now, for years. Oh, it was so wearying, so aching; she was so tired. But
still she believed in herself. She knew he was trying to leave her. She knew he
was trying to break away from her finally, to be free. But still she believed in
her strength to keep him, she believed in her own higher knowledge. His own
knowledge was high, she was the central touchstone of truth. She only needed his
conjunction with her.
    And this, this conjunction with her, which was his highest fulfilment also,
with the perverseness of a wilful child he wanted to deny. With the wilfulness
of an obstinate child, he wanted to break the holy connection that was between
them.
    He would be at this wedding; he was to be groom's man. He would be in the
church, waiting. He would know when she came. She shuddered with nervous
apprehension and desire as she went through the church-door. He would be there,
surely he would see how beautiful her dress was, surely he would
