« said Sam.
    »I mean this here, Sammy,« replied the old gentleman, »that wot they drink,
don't seem no nourishment to 'em; it all turns to warm water, and comes a'
pourin' out o' their eyes. 'Pend upon it, Sammy, it's a constitootional
infirmity.«
    Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many confirmatory frowns
and nods; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, and concluding that they bore some
disparaging reference either to herself or to Mr. Stiggins, or to both, was on
the point of becoming infinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on his legs
as well as he could, proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for the benefit
of the company, but more especially of Mr. Samuel, whom he adjured in moving
terms to be upon his guard in that sink of iniquity into which he was cast; to
abstain from all hypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all things exact
pattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in which case he might calculate on
arriving, sooner or later at the comfortable conclusion, that, like him, he was
a most estimable and blameless character, and that all his acquaintance and
friends were hopelessly abandoned and profligate wretches. Which consideration,
he said, could not but afford him the liveliest satisfaction.
    He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the vice of
intoxication, which he likened unto the filthy habits of swine, and to those
poisonous and baleful drugs which being chewed in the mouth, are said to filch
away the memory. At this point of his discourse, the reverend and red-nosed
gentleman became singularly incoherent, and staggering to and fro in the
excitement of his eloquence, was fain to catch at the back of a chair to
preserve his perpendicular.
    Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guard against those
false prophets and wretched mockers of religion, who, without sense to expound
its first doctrines, or hearts to feel its first principles, are more dangerous
members of society than the common criminal; imposing, as they necessarily do,
upon the weakest and worst informed, casting scorn and contempt on what should
be held most sacred, and bringing into partial disrepute large bodies of
virtuous and well-conducted persons of many excellent sects and persuasions. But
as he leant over the back of the chair for a considerable time, and closing one
eye, winked a good deal with the other, it is presumed that he thought all this,
but kept it to himself.
    During the
