 either up or down the kitchen stairs with the
tray, and almost plunged into the parlour, as into a bath, with the tea-things.
The ravages committed by this unfortunate rendering her dismissal necessary, she
was succeeded (with intervals of Mrs. Kidgerbury) by a long line of Incapables;
terminating in a young person of genteel appearance, who went to Greenwich Fair
in Dora's bonnet. After whom I remember nothing but an average equality of
failure.
    Everybody we had anything to do with seemed to cheat us. Our appearance in a
shop was a signal for the damaged goods to be brought out immediately. If we
bought a lobster, it was full of water. All our meat turned out to be tough, and
there was hardly any crust to our loaves. In search of the principle on which
joints ought to be roasted, to be roasted enough, and not too much, I myself
referred to the Cookery Book, and found it there established as the allowance of
a quarter of an hour to every pound, and say a quarter over. But the principle
always failed us by some curious fatality, and we never could hit any medium
between redness and cinders.
    I had reason to believe that in accomplishing these failures we incurred a
far greater expense than if we had achieved a series of triumphs. It appeared to
me, on looking over the tradesmen's books, as if we might have kept the basement
story paved with butter, such was the extensive scale of our consumption of that
article. I don't know whether the Excise returns of the period may have
exhibited any increase in the demand for pepper; but if our performances did not
affect the market, I should say several families must have left off using it.
And the most wonderful fact of all was, that we never had anything in the house.
    As to the washerwoman pawning the clothes, and coming in a state of penitent
intoxication to apologise, I suppose that might have happened several times to
anybody. Also the chimney on fire, the parish engine, and perjury on the part of
the Beadle. But I apprehend that we were personally unfortunate in engaging a
servant with a taste for cordials, who swelled our running account for porter at
the public-house by such inexplicable items as quartern rum shrub (Mrs. C.);
Half-quartern gin and cloves (Mrs. C.); Glass rum and peppermint (Mrs. C.) - the
parentheses always referring to Dora, who was supposed, it appeared on
explanation, to have imbibed the whole of these refreshments.
