

                                   Mark Twain

                  A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

                                    Preface

The ungentle laws and customs touched upon in this tale are historical, and the
episodes which are used to illustrate them are also historical. It is not
pretended that these laws and customs existed in England in the sixth century;
no, it is only pretended that inasmuch as they existed in the English and other
civilizations of far later times, it is safe to consider that it is no libel
upon the sixth century to suppose them to have been in practice in that day
also. One is quite justified in inferring that wherever one of these laws or
customs was lacking in that remote time, its place was competently filled by a
worse one.
    The question as to whether there is such a thing as divine right of kings is
not settled in this book. It was found too difficult. That the executive head of
a nation should be a person of lofty character and extraordinary ability, was
manifest and indisputable; that none but the Deity could select that head
unerringly, was also manifest and indisputable; that the Deity ought to make
that selection, then, was likewise manifest and indisputable; consequently, that
He does make it, as claimed, was an unavoidable deduction. I mean, until the
author of this book encountered the Pompadour, and Lady Castlemaine and some
other executive heads of that kind; these were found so difficult to work into
the scheme, that it was judged better to take the other tack in this book,
(which must be issued this fall,) and then go into training and settle the
question in another book. It is of course a thing which ought to be settled, and
I am not going to have anything particular to do next winter anyway.
    
                                                                     Mark Twain.
HARTFORD, July 21, 1889.
 

                             A Word of Explanation

It was in Warwick Castle that I came across the curious stranger whom I am going
to talk about. He attracted me by three things: his candid simplicity, his
marvellous familiarity with ancient armour, and the restfulness of his company -
for he did all the talking. We fell together, as modest people will, in the tail
of the herd that was being shown through, and he at once began to say things
which interested me. As he talked along, softly, pleasantly, flowingly, he
seemed to drift away imperceptibly out of this world and time, and into some
remote era and old forgotten country; and so he gradually wove such a spell
about me that I seemed to move among the spectres and shadows and dust and mould
of a gray antiquity, holding speech with a relic of it! Exactly as I would speak
of my nearest personal friends or enemies, or my most familiar neighbours, he
spoke of Sir Bedivere, Sir Bors de Ganis, Sir Launcelot of the Lake, Sir
Galahad, and all the other great names of the Table Round - and how old, old,
unspeakably old, and faded and dry and musty and ancient he came to look, as he
went on! Presently he turned to me and said, just as one might speak of the
weather, or any other common matter -
    »You know about transmigration of souls; do you know about transposition of
epochs - and bodies?«
    I said I had not heard of it. He was so little interested - just as when
people speak of the weather - that he did not notice whether I made him any
answer or not. There was half a moment of silence; immediately interrupted by
the droning voice of the salaried cicerone:
    »Ancient hauberk, date of the sixth century, time of King Arthur and the
Round Table; said to have belonged to the knight Sir Sagramour le Desirous;
observe the round hole through the chain-mail in the left breast; can't be
accounted for; supposed to have been done with a bullet since invention of
firearms - perhaps maliciously by Cromwell's soldiers.«
    My acquaintance smiled - not a modern smile, but one that must have gone out
of general use many, many centuries ago - and muttered, apparently to himself:
    »Wit ye well, I saw it done.« Then, after a pause, added: »I did it myself.«
    By the time I had recovered from the electric surprise of this remark, he
was gone.
 
All that evening I sat by my fire at the Warwick Arms, steeped in a dream of the
olden time, while the rain beat upon the windows and the wind roared about the
eaves and corners. From time to time I dipped into old Sir Thomas Malory's
enchanting book, and fed at its rich feast of prodigies and adventures,
breathed-in the fragrance of its obsolete names, and dreamed again. Midnight
being come at length, I read another tale, for a night-cap - this which here
follows, to wit:
 
           How Sir Launcelot slew two giants, and made a castle free.
 
Anon withal came there upon him two great giants, well armed all save the heads,
with two horrible clubs in their hands. Sir Launcelot put his shield afore him,
and put the stroke away of the one giant, and with his sword he clave his head
asunder. When his fellow saw that, he ran away as he were wood,1 for fear of the
horrible strokes, and Sir Launcelot after him with all his might, and smote him
on the shoulder, and clave him to the middle. Then Sir Launcelot went into the
hall, and there came afore him threescore ladies and damsels, and all kneeled
unto him, and thanked God and him of their deliverance. For, sir, said they, the
most part of us have been here this seven year their prisoners, and we have
worked all manner of silk works for our meat, and we are all great gentlewomen
born, and blessed be the time, knight, that ever thou wert born; for thou hast
done the most worship that ever did knight in the world, that will we bear
record, and we all pray you to tell us your name, that we may tell our friends
who delivered us out of prison. Fair damsels, he said, my name is Sir Launcelot
du Lake. And so he departed from them and betaught them unto God. And then he
mounted upon his horse, and rode into many strange and wild countries and
through many waters and valleys, and evil was he lodged. And at the last by
fortune him happened against a night to come to a fair courtelage, and therein
he found an old gentlewoman that lodged him with a good will, and there he had
good cheer for him and his horse. And when time was, his host brought him into a
fair garret over the gate to his bed. There Sir Launcelot unarmed him, and set
his harness by him, and went to bed, and anon he fell on sleep. So soon after
there came one on horseback, and knocked at the gate in great haste. And when
Sir Launcelot heard this he arose up, and looked out at the window, and saw by
the moon-light three knights came riding after that one man, and all three
lashed on him at once with swords, and that one knight turned on them knightly
again and defended him. Truly, said Sir Launcelot, yonder one knight shall I
help, for it were shame for me to see three knights on one, and if he be slain I
am partner of his death. And therewith he took his harness and went out at a
window by a sheet down to the four knights, and then Sir Launcelot said on high,
Turn you knights unto me, and leave your fighting with that knight. And then
they all three left Sir Kay, and turned unto Sir Launcelot, and there began
great battle, for they alight all three, and strake many great strokes at Sir
Launcelot, and assailed him on every side. Then Sir Kay dressed him for to have
holpen Sir Launcelot. Nay, sir, said he, I will none of your help, therefore as
ye will have my help let me alone with them. Sir Kay for the pleasure of the
knight suffered him for to do his will, and so stood aside. And then anon within
six strokes Sir Launcelot had stricken them to the earth.
    And then they all three cried, Sir knight, we yield us unto you as man of
might matchless. As to that, said Sir Launcelot, I will not take your yielding
unto me, but so that ye yield you unto Sir Kay the seneschal, on that covenant I
will save your lives and else not. Fair knight, said they, that were we loth to
do; for as for Sir Kay we chased him hither, and had overcome him had not ye
been; therefore to yield us unto him it were no reason. Well, as to that, said
Sir Launcelot, advise you well, for ye may choose whether ye will die or live,
for and ye be yielden it shall be unto Sir Kay. Fair knight, then they said, in
saving our lives we will do as thou commandest us. Then shall ye, said Sir
Launcelot, on Whitsunday next coming go unto the court of king Arthur, and there
shall ye yield you unto queen Guenever, and put you all three in her grace and
mercy, and say that Sir Kay sent you thither to be her prisoners. On the morn
Sir Launcelot arose early, and left Sir Kay sleeping: and Sir Launcelot took Sir
Kay's armour and his shield and armed him: and so he went to the stable and took
his horse, and took his leave of his host, and so he departed. Then soon after
arose Sir Kay and missed Sir Launcelot: and then he espied that he had his
armour and his horse. Now by my faith I know well that he will grieve some of
the court of king Arthur: for on him knights will be bold, and deem that it is
I, and that will beguile them: and because of his armour and shield I am sure I
shall ride in peace. And then soon after departed Sir Kay, and thanked his host.
 
As I laid the book down there was a knock at the door, and my stranger came in.
I gave him a pipe and a chair, and made him welcome. I also comforted him with a
hot Scotch whisky; gave him another one; then still another - hoping always for
his story. After a fourth persuader, he drifted into it himself, in a quite
simple and natural way:
 



                            The Stranger's History.

 
I am an American. I was born and reared in Hartford, in the State of Connecticut
- anyway, just over the river, in the country. So I am a Yankee of the Yankees -
and practical; yes, and nearly barren of sentiment, I suppose - or poetry, in
other words. My father was a blacksmith, my uncle was a horse-doctor, and I was
both, along at first. Then I went over to the great Colt arms-factory and
learned my real trade; learned all there was to it; learned to make everything:
guns, revolvers, cannon, boilers, engines, all sorts of labour-saving machinery.
Why, I could make anything a body wanted - anything in the world, it didn't make
any difference what; and if there wasn't't any quick, new-fangled way to make a
thing, I could invent one - and do it as easy as rolling off a log. I became
head superintendent; had a couple of thousand men under me.
    Well, a man like that, is a man that is full of fight - that goes without
saying. With a couple of thousand rough men under one, one has plenty of that
sort of amusement. I had, anyway. At last I met my match, and I got my dose. It
was during a misunderstanding conducted with crowbars with a fellow we used to
call Hercules. He laid me out with a crusher alongside the head that made
everything crack, and seemed to spring every joint in my skull and make it
overlap its neighbour. Then the world went out in darkness, and I didn't feel
anything more, and didn't know anything at all - at least for a while.
    When I came to again, I was sitting under an oak tree, on the grass, with a
whole beautiful and broad country landscape all to myself - nearly. Not
entirely; for there was a fellow on a horse, looking down at me - a fellow fresh
out of a picture-book. He was in old-time iron armour from head to heel, with a
helmet on his head the shape of a nail-keg with slits in it; and he had a
shield, and a sword, and a prodigious spear; and his horse had armour on, too,
and a steel horn projecting from his forehead, and gorgeous red and green silk
trappings that hung down all around him like a bed-quilt, nearly to the ground.
    »Fair sir, will ye just?« said this fellow.
    »Will I which?«
    »Will ye try a passage of arms for land or lady or for -«
    »What are you giving me?« I said. »Get along back to your circus, or I'll
report you.«
    Now what does this man do but fall back a couple of hundred yards and then
come rushing at me as hard as he could tear, with his nail-keg bent down nearly
to his horse's neck, and his long spear pointed straight ahead. I saw he meant
business; so I was up the tree when he arrived.
    He allowed that I was his property, the captive of his spear. There was
argument on his side - and the bulk of the advantage; so I judged it best to
humour him. We fixed up an agreement whereby I was to go with him and he was not
to hurt me. I came down, and we started away, I walking by the side of his
horse. We marched comfortably along, through glades and over brooks which I
could not remember to have seen before - which puzzled me and made me wonder -
and yet we did not come to any circus or sign of a circus. So I gave up the idea
of a circus, and concluded he was from an asylum. But we never came to any
asylum - so I was up a stump, as you may say. I asked him how far we were from
Hartford. He said he had never heard of the place; which I took to be a lie, but
allowed it to go at that. At the end of an hour we saw a far-away town sleeping
in a valley by a winding river; and beyond it on a hill, a vast gray fortress,
with towers and turrets, the first I had ever seen, out of a picture.
    »Bridgeport?« said I, pointing.
    »Camelot,« said he.
 
My stranger had been showing signs of sleepiness. He caught himself nodding,
now; and smiled one of those pathetic obsolete smiles of his, and said:
    »I find I can't go on; but come with me, I've got it all written out, and
you can read it if you like.«
    In his chamber, he said:
    »First, I kept a journal; then by and by, after years, I took the journal
and turned it into a book. How long ago that was!«
    He handed me his manuscript, and pointed out the place where I should begin:
    »Begin here - I've already told you what goes before.« He was steeped in
drowsiness by this time. As I went out at his door I heard him murmur sleepily:
    »Give you good den, fair sir.«
    I sat down by my fire and examined my treasure. The first part of it - the
great bulk of it - was parchment, and yellow with age. I scanned a leaf
particularly, and saw that it was a palimpsest. Under the old dim writing of the
Yankee historian appeared traces of a penmanship which was older and dimmer
still - Latin words and sentences: fragments from old monkish legends,
evidently. I turned to the place indicated by my stranger, and began to read -
as follows.
 

                                   Chapter 1

                                    Camelot

»Camelot - Camelot,« said I to myself. »I don't seem to remember hearing of it
before. Name of the asylum, likely.«
    It was a soft, reposeful, summer landscape, as lovely as a dream, and as
lonesome as Sunday. The air was full of the smell of flowers, and the buzzing of
insects, and the twittering of birds; and there were no people, no wagons, there
was no stir or life, nothing going on. The road was mainly a winding path with
hoof-prints in it, and now and then a faint trace of wheels on either side in
the grass - wheels that apparently had a tire as broad as one's hand.
    Presently a fair slip of a girl, about ten years old, with a cataract of
golden hair streaming down over her shoulders, came along. Around her head she
wore a hoop of flame-red poppies. It was as sweet an outfit as ever I saw, what
there was of it. She walked indolently along, with a mind at rest, its peace
reflected in her innocent face. The circus man paid no attention to her; didn't
even seem to see her. And she - she was no more startled at his fantastic
make-up than if she was used to his like every day of her life. She was going by
as indifferently as she might have gone by a couple of cows; but when she
happened to notice me, then there was a change! Up went her hands, and she was
turned to stone; her mouth dropped open, her eyes stared wide and timorously,
she was the picture of astonished curiosity touched with fear. And there she
stood gazing, in a sort of stupefied fascination, till we turned a corner of the
wood and were lost to her view. That she should be startled at me instead of at
the other man, was too many for me; I couldn't make head or tail of it. And that
she should seem to consider me a spectacle, and totally overlook her own merits
in that respect, was another puzzling thing, and a display of magnanimity, too,
that was surprising in one so young. There was food for thought here. I moved
along as one in a dream.
    As we approached the town, signs of life began to appear. At intervals we
passed a wretched cabin, with a thatched roof, and about it small fields and
garden patches in an indifferent state of cultivation. There were people, too;
brawny men, with long, coarse, uncombed hair that hung down over their faces and
made them look like animals. They and the women, as a rule, wore a coarse
tow-linen robe that came well below the knee, and a rude sort of sandals; and
many wore an iron collar. The small boys and girls were always naked; but nobody
seemed to know it. All of these people stared at me, talked about me, ran into
the huts and fetched out their families to gape at me; but nobody ever noticed
that other fellow, except to make him humble salutation and get no response for
their pains.
    In the town were some substantial windowless houses of stone, scattered
among a wilderness of thatched cabins; the streets were mere crooked alleys, and
unpaved; troops of dogs and nude children played in the sun and made life and
noise; hogs roamed and rooted contentedly about, and one of them lay in a
reeking wallow in the middle of the main thoroughfare and suckled her family.
Presently there was a distant blare of military music; it came nearer, still
nearer, and soon a noble cavalcade wound into view, glorious with plumed
helmets, and flashing mail, and flaunting banners and rich doublets and
horse-cloths, and gilded spear-heads; and through the muck, and swine, and naked
brats, and joyous dogs, and shabby huts it took its gallant way, and in its wake
we followed. Followed, through one winding alley and then another, - and
climbing, always climbing - till at last we gained the breezy height where the
huge castle stood. There was an exchange of bugle blasts; then a parley from the
walls, where men-at-arms, in hauberk and morion marched back and forth with
halberd at shoulder under flapping banners with the rude figure of a dragon
displayed upon them; and then the great gates were flung open, the drawbridge
was lowered, and the head of the cavalcade swept forward under the frowning
arches; and we following, soon found ourselves in a great paved court, with
towers and turrets stretching up into the blue air on all the four sides; and
all about us the dismount was going on, and much greeting and ceremony, and
running to and fro, and a gay display of moving and intermingling colours, and an
altogether pleasant stir and noise and confusion.
 

                                   Chapter 2

                              King Arthur's Court

The moment I got a chance I slipped aside privately and touched an ancient
common-looking man on the shoulder and said, in an insinuating, confidential way
-
    »Friend, do me a kindness. Do you belong to the asylum, or are you just here
on a visit, or something like that?«
    He looked me over, stupidly, and said -
    »Marry, fair sir, meseemeth -«
    »That will do,« I said; »I reckon you are a patient.«
    I moved away, cogitating, and at the same time keeping an eye out for any
chance passenger in his right mind that might come along and give me some light.
I judged I had found one, presently; so I drew him aside and said in his ear -
    »If I could see the head keeper a minute - only just a minute -«
    »Prithee do not let me.«
    »Let you what?«
    »Hinder me, then, if the word please thee better.« Then he went on to say he
was an under-cook and could not stop to gossip, though he would like it another
time, for it would comfort his very liver to know where I got my clothes. As he
started away he pointed and said yonder was one who was idle enough for my
purpose, and was seeking me besides, no doubt. This was an airy slim boy in
shrimp-coloured tights that made him look like a forked carrot; the rest of his
gear was blue silk and dainty laces and ruffles; and he had long yellow curls,
and wore a plumed pink satin cap tilted complacently over his ear. By his look,
he was good-natured; by his gait, he was satisfied with himself. He was pretty
enough to frame. He arrived, looked me over with a smiling and impudent
curiosity; said he had come for me, and informed me that he was a page.
    »Go 'long,« I said, »you ain't more than a paragraph.«
    It was pretty severe, but I was nettled. However, it never fazed him; he
didn't appear to know he was hurt. He began to talk and laugh, in happy,
thoughtless, boyish fashion, as we walked along, and made himself old friends
with me at once; asked me all sorts of questions about myself and about my
clothes, but never waited for an answer - always chattered straight ahead, as if
he didn't know he had asked a question and wasn't't expecting any reply; until at
last he happened to mention that he was born in the beginning of the year 513.
    It made the cold chills creep over me! I stopped, and said, a little
faintly:
    »Maybe I didn't hear you just right. Say it again - and say it slow. What
year was it?«
    »513.«
    »513! You don't look it! Come my boy, I am a stranger and friendless: be
honest and honourable with me. Are you in your right mind?«
    He said he was.
    »Are these other people in their right minds?«
    He said they were.
    »And this isn't an asylum? I mean, it isn't a place where they cure crazy
people?«
    He said it wasn't't.
    »Well, then,« I said, »either I am a lunatic or something just as awful has
happened. Now tell me, honest and true, where am I?«
    »IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT.«
    I waited a minute, to let that idea shudder its way home, and then said:
    »And according to your notions, what year is it now?«
    »528 - nineteenth of June.«
    I felt a mournful sinking at the heart, and muttered: »I shall never see my
friends again - never, never again. They will not be born for more than thirteen
hundred years yet.«
    I seemed to believe the boy, I didn't know why. Something in me seemed to
believe him - my consciousness, as you may say; but my reason didn't. My reason
straightway began to clamour; that was natural. I didn't know how to go about
satisfying it, because I knew that the testimony of men wouldn't serve - my
reason would say they were lunatics, and throw out their evidence. But all of a
sudden I stumbled on the very thing, just by luck. I knew that the only total
eclipse of the sun in the first half of the sixth century occurred on the 21st
of June, A. D. 528, O. S., and began at 3 minutes after 12 noon. I also knew
that no total eclipse of the sun was due in what to me was the present year -
i.e., 1879. So, if I could keep my anxiety and curiosity from eating the heart
out of me for forty-eight hours, I should then find out for certain whether this
boy was telling me the truth or not.
    Wherefore, being a practical Connecticut man, I now shoved this whole
problem clear out of my mind till its appointed day and hour should come, in
order that I might turn all my attention to the circumstances of the present
moment, and be alert and ready to make the most out of them that could be made.
One thing at a time, is my motto - and just play that thing for all it is worth,
even if it's only two pair and a jack. I made up my mind to two things: if it
was still the nineteenth century and I was among lunatics and couldn't get away,
I would presently boss that asylum or know the reason why; and if on the other
hand it was really the sixth century, all right, I didn't want any softer thing:
I would boss the whole country inside of three months; for I judged I would have
the start of the best educated man in the kingdom by a matter of thirteen
hundred years and upwards. I'm not a man to waste time after my mind's made up
and there's work on hand; so I said to the page -
    »Now, Clarence, my boy - if that might happen to be your name - I'll get you
to post me up a little if you don't mind. What is the name of that apparition
that brought me here?«
    »My master and thine? That is the good knight and great lord Sir Kay the
Seneschal, foster brother to our liege the king.«
    »Very good; go on, tell me everything.«
    He made a long story of it; but the part that had immediate interest for me
was this. He said I was Sir Kay's prisoner, and that in the due course of custom
I would be flung into a dungeon and left there on scant commons until my friends
ransomed me - unless I chanced to rot, first. I saw that the last chance had the
best show, but I didn't waste any bother about that; time was too precious. The
page said, further, that dinner was about ended in the great hall by this time,
and that as soon as the sociability and the heavy drinking should begin, Sir Kay
would have me in and exhibit me before King Arthur and his illustrious knights
seated at the Table Round, and would brag about his exploit in capturing me, and
would probably exaggerate the facts a little, but it wouldn't be good form for
me to correct him, and not over safe, either; and when I was done being
exhibited, then ho for the dungeon; but he, Clarence, would find a way to come
and see me every now and then, and cheer me up, and help me get word to my
friends.
    Get word to my friends! I thanked him; I couldn't do less; and about this
time a lackey came to say I was wanted; so Clarence led me in and took me off to
one side and sat down by me.
    Well, it was a curious kind of spectacle, and interesting. It was an immense
place, and rather naked - yes, and full of loud contrasts. It was very, very
lofty; so lofty that the banners depending from the arched beams and girders
away up there floated in a sort of twilight; there was a stone-railed gallery at
each end, high up, with musicians in the one, and women, clothed in stunning
colours, in the other. The floor was of big stone flags, laid in black and white
squares, rather battered by age and use, and needing repair. As to ornament,
there wasn't't any, strictly speaking; though on the walls hung some huge
tapestries which were probably taxed as works of art: battle pieces, they were,
with horses shaped like those which children cut out of paper or create in
gingerbread; with men on them in scale armour whose scales are represented by
round holes - so that the man's coat looks as if it had been done with a
biscuit-punch. There was a fire place big enough to camp in; and its projecting
sides and hood, of carved and pillared stone-work, had the look of a cathedral
door. Along the walls stood men-at-arms, in breastplate and morion, with
halberds for their only weapon - rigid as statues; and that is what they looked
like.
    In the middle of this groined and vaulted public square was an oaken table
which they called the Table Round. It was as large as a circus ring; and around
it sat a great company of men dressed in such various and splendid colours that
it hurt one's eyes to look at them. They wore their plumed hats, right along;
except that whenever one addressed himself directly to the king, he lifted his
hat a trifle just as he was beginning his remark.
    Mainly they were drinking - from entire ox horns; but a few were still
munching bread or gnawing beef-bones. There was about an average of two dogs to
one man; and these sat in expectant attitudes till a spent bone was flung to
them, and then they went for it by brigades and divisions, with a rush, and
there ensued a fight which filled the prospect with a tumultuous chaos of
plunging heads and bodies and flashing tails, and the storm of howlings and
barkings deafened all speech for the time; but that was no matter, for the
dog-fight was always a bigger interest anyway; the men rose, sometimes, to
observe it the better and bet on it; and the ladies and the musicians stretched
themselves out over their balusters with the same object; and all broke into
delighted ejaculations from time to time. In the end, the winning dog stretched
himself out comfortably with his bone between his paws, and proceeded to growl
over it, and gnaw it, and grease the floor with it, just as fifty others were
already doing; and the rest of the court resumed their previous industries and
entertainments.
    As a rule, the speech and behaviour of these people were gracious and
courtly; and I noticed that they were good and serious listeners when anybody
was telling anything - I mean, in a dog-fightless interval. And plainly, too,
they were a childlike and innocent lot; telling lies of the stateliest pattern
with a most gentle and winning naivety, and ready and willing to listen to
anybody else's lie, and believe it, too. It was hard to associate them with
anything cruel or dreadful; and yet they dealt in tales of blood and suffering
with a guileless relish that made me almost forget to shudder.
    I was not the only prisoner present. There were twenty or more. Poor devils,
many of them were maimed, hacked, carved, in a frightful way; and their hair,
their faces, their clothing, were caked with black and stiffened drenchings of
blood. They were suffering sharp physical pain, of course; and weariness, and
hunger and thirst, no doubt; and at least none had given them the comfort of a
wash, or even the poor charity of a lotion for their wounds; yet you never heard
them utter a moan or a groan, or saw them show any sign of restlessness, or any
disposition to complain. The thought was forced upon me: »The rascals - they
have served other people so, in their day; it being their own turn, now, they
were not expecting any better treatment than this; so their philosophical
bearing is not an outcome of mental training, intellectual fortitude, reasoning;
it is mere animal training; they are white Indians.«
 

                                   Chapter 3

                           Knights of the Table Round

Mainly, the Round Table talk was monologues - narrative accounts of the
adventures in which these prisoners were captured and their friends and backers
killed and stripped of their steeds and armour. As a general thing - as far as I
could make out - these murderous adventures were not forays undertaken to avenge
injuries, nor to settle old disputes or sudden fallings out; no, as a rule they
were simply duels between strangers - duels between people who had never even
been introduced to each other, and between whom existed no cause of offence
whatever. Many a time I had seen a couple of boys, strangers, meet by chance,
and say simultaneously, »I can lick you,« and go at it on the spot; but I had
always imagined, until now, that that sort of thing belonged to children only,
and was a sign and mark of childhood; but here were these big boobies sticking
to it and taking pride in it clear up into full age and beyond. Yet there was
something very engaging about these great simple-hearted creatures, something
attractive and lovable. There did not seem to be brains enough in the entire
nursery, so to speak, to bait a fish-hook with; but you didn't seem to mind
that, after a little, because you soon saw that brains were not needed in a
society like that, and indeed would have marred it, hindered it, spoiled its
symmetry - perhaps rendered its existence impossible.
    There was a fine manliness observable in almost every face; and in some a
certain loftiness and sweetness that rebuked your belittling criticisms, and
stilled them. A most noble benignity and purity reposed in the countenance of
him they called Sir Galahad; and likewise in the king's, also; and there was
majesty and greatness in the giant frame and high bearing of Sir Launcelot of
the Lake.
    There was presently an incident which centred the general interest upon this
Sir Launcelot. At a sign from a sort of master of ceremonies, six or eight of
the prisoners rose and came forward in a body and knelt on the floor and lifted
up their hands toward the ladies' gallery and begged the grace of a word with
the queen. The most conspicuously situated lady in that massed flower-bed of
feminine show and finery, inclined her head by way of assent, and then the
spokesman of the prisoners delivered himself and his fellows into her hands for
free pardon, ransom, captivity or death, as she in her good pleasure might
elect; and this, as he said, he was doing by command of Sir Kay the Seneschal,
whose prisoners they were, he having vanquished them by his single might and
prowess in sturdy conflict in the field.
    Surprise and astonishment flashed from face to face all over the house; the
queen's gratified smile faded out at the name of Sir Kay, and she looked
disappointed; and the page whispered in my ear with an accent and manner
expressive of extravagant derision -
    »Sir Kay, forsooth! Oh, call me pet names, dearest, call me a marine! In
twice a thousand years shall the unholy invention of man labour at odds to beget
the fellow to this majestic lie!«
    Every eye was fastened with severe inquiry upon Sir Kay. But he was equal to
the occasion. He got up and played his hand like a major - and took every trick.
He said he would state the case, exactly according to the facts; he would tell
the simple straightforward tale, without comment of his own; »and then,« said
he, »if ye find glory and honour due, ye will give it unto him who is the
mightiest man of his hands that ever bare shield or strake with sword in the
ranks of Christian battle - even him that sitteth there!« - and he pointed to
Sir Launcelot. Ah, he fetched them; it was a rattling good stroke. Then he went
on and told how Sir Launcelot, seeking adventures, some brief time gone by,
killed seven giants at one sweep of his sword, and set a hundred and forty-two
captive maidens free; and then went further, still seeking adventures, and found
him (Sir Kay,) righting a desperate fight against nine foreign knights, and
straightway took the battle solely into his own hands, and conquered the nine;
and that night Sir Launcelot rose quietly, and dressed him in Sir Kay's armour
and took Sir Kay's horse and gat him away into distant lands, and vanquished
sixteen knights in one pitched battle and thirty-four in another; and all these
and the former nine he made to swear that about Whitsuntide they would ride to
Arthur's court and yield them to Queen Guenever's hands as captives of Sir Kay
the Seneschal, spoil of his knightly prowess; and now here were these half
dozen, and the rest would be along as soon as they might be healed of their
desperate wounds.
    Well, it was touching to see the queen blush and smile, and look embarrassed
and happy, and fling furtive glances at Sir Launcelot that would have got him
shot, in Arkansas, to a dead certainty.
    Everybody praised the valor and magnanimity of Sir Launcelot; and as for me,
I was perfectly amazed, that one man, all by himself, should have been able to
beat down and capture such battalions of practised fighters. I said as much to
Clarence; but this mocking featherhead only said -
    »An Sir Kay had had time to get another skin of sour wine into him, ye had
seen the accompt doubled.«
    I looked at the boy in sorrow; and as I looked I saw the cloud of a deep
despondency settle upon his countenance. I followed the direction of his eye,
and saw that a very old and white-bearded man, clothed in a flowing black gown,
had risen and was standing at the table, upon unsteady legs, and feebly swaying
his ancient head and surveying the company with his watery and wandering eye.
The same suffering look that was in the page's face was observable in all the
faces around - the look of dumb creatures who know that they must endure and
make no moan.
    »Marry, we shall have it again,« sighed the boy; »that same old weary tale
that he hath told a thousand times in the same words, and that he will tell till
he dieth, every time he hath gotten his barrel full and feeleth his
exaggeration-mill a-working. Would God I had died or I saw this day!«
    »Who is it?«
    »Merlin, the mighty liar and magician, perdition singe him for the weariness
he worketh with his one tale! But that men fear him for that he hath the storms
and the lightnings and all the devils that be in hell at his beck and call, they
would have dug his entrails out these many years ago to get at that tale and
squelch it. He telleth it alway in the third person, making believe he is too
modest to glorify himself - maledictions light upon him, misfortune be his dole!
Good friend, prithee call me for evensong.«
    The boy nestled himself upon my shoulder and pretended to go to sleep. The
old man began his tale; and presently the lad was asleep in reality; so also
were the dogs, and the court, the lackeys, and the files of men-at-arms. The
droning voice droned on; a soft snoring arose on all sides and supported it like
a deep and subdued accompaniment of wind instruments. Some heads were bowed upon
folded arms, some lay back, with open mouths that issued unconscious music; the
flies buzzed and bit, unmolested, the rats swarmed softly out from a hundred
holes, and pattered about, and made themselves at home everywhere; and one of
them sat up like a squirrel on the king's head and held a bit of cheese in its
hands and nibbled it, and dribbled the crumbs in the king's face with naive and
impudent irreverence. It was a tranquil scene, and restful to the weary eye and
the jaded spirit.
    This was the old man's tale. He said:
    »Right so the king and Merlin departed, and went until an hermit that was a
good man and a great leach. So the hermit searched all his wounds and gave him
good salves; so the king was there three days; and then were his wounds well
amended that he might ride and go, and so departed. And as they rode, Arthur
said, I have no sword. No force,2 said Merlin, hereby is a sword that shall be
yours and I may. So they rode till they came to a lake, the which was a fair
water and broad, and in the midst of the lake Arthur was ware of an arm clothed
in white samite, that held a fair sword in that hand. Lo, said Merlin, yonder is
that sword that I spoke of. With that they saw a damsel going upon the lake:
What damsel is that? said Arthur. That is the Lady of the lake, said Merlin; and
within that lake is a rock, and therein is as fair a place as any on earth, and
richly beseen, and this damsel will come to you anon, and then speak ye fair to
her that she will give you that sword. Anon withal came the damsel unto Arthur
and saluted him, and he her again. Damsel, said Arthur, what sword is that, that
yonder the arm holdeth above the water? I would it were mine, for I have no
sword. Sir Arthur king, said the damsel, that sword is mine, and if ye will give
me a gift when I ask it you, ye shall have it. By my faith, said Arthur, I will
give you what gift ye will ask. Well, said the damsel, go ye into yonder barge
and row yourself to the sword, and take it and the scabbard with you, and I will
ask my gift when I see my time. So Sir Arthur and Merlin alight, and tied their
horses to two trees, and so they went into the ship, and when they came to the
sword that the hand held, Sir Arthur took it up by the handles, and took it with
him. And the arm and the hand went under the water; and so they came unto the
land and rode forth. And then Sir Arthur saw a rich pavilion: What signifieth
yonder pavilion? It is the knight's pavilion, said Merlin, that ye fought with
last, Sir Pellinore, but he is out, he is not there; he hath ado with a knight
of yours, that night Egglame, and they have fought together, but at the last
Egglame fled, and else he had been dead, and he hath chased him even to Carlion,
and we shall meet with him anon in the high way. That is well said, said Arthur,
now have I a sword, now will I wage battle with him and be avenged on him. Sir,
ye shall not so, said Merlin, for the knight is weary of fighting and chasing,
so that ye shall have no worship to have ado with him; also he will not lightly
be matched of one knight living; and therefore it is my counsel, let him pass,
for he shall do you good service in short time, and his sons after his days.
Also ye shall see that day in short space, ye shall be right glad to give him
your sister to wed. When I see him, I will do as ye advise me, said Arthur. Then
Sir Arthur looked on the sword, and liked it passing well. Whether liketh you
better, said Merlin, the sword or the scabbard? Me liketh better the sword, said
Arthur. Ye are more unwise, said Merlin, for the scabbard is worth ten of the
sword, for while ye have the scabbard upon you ye shall never lose no blood, be
ye never so sore wounded, therefore keep well the scabbard always with you. So
they rode unto Carlion, and by the way they met with Sir Pellinore; but Merlin
had done such a craft that Pellinore saw not Arthur, and he passed by without
any words. I marvel, said Arthur, that the knight would not speak. Sir, said
Merlin, he saw you not, for and he had seen you ye had not lightly departed. So
they came unto Carlion, whereof his knights were passing glad. And when they
heard of his adventures they marvelled that he would jeopard his person so
alone. But all men of worship said it was merry to be under such a chieftain
that would put his person in adventure as other poor knights did.«
 

                                   Chapter 4

                            Sir Dinadan the Humorist

It seemed to me that this quaint lie was most simply and beautifully told; but
then I had heard it only once, and that makes a difference; it was pleasant to
the others when it was fresh, no doubt.
    Sir Dinadan the Humorist was the first to awake, and he soon roused the rest
with a practical joke of a sufficiently poor quality. He tied some metal mugs to
a dog's tail and turned him loose, and he tore round and around the place in a
frenzy of fright, with all the other dogs bellowing after him and battering and
crashing against everything that came in their way and making altogether a chaos
of confusion and a most deafening din and turmoil; at which every man and woman
of the multitude laughed till the tears flowed, and some fell out of their
chairs and wallowed on the floor in ecstasy. It was just like so many children.
Sir Dinadan was so proud of his exploit that he could not keep from telling over
and over again, to weariness, how the immortal idea happened to occur to him;
and, as is the way with humorists of his breed, he was still laughing at it
after everybody else had got through. He was so set up that he concluded to make
a speech - of course a humorous speech. I think I never heard so many old
played-out jokes strung together in my life. He was worse than the minstrels,
worse than the clown in the circus. It seemed peculiarly sad to sit here,
thirteen hundred years before I was born and listen again to poor, flat,
worm-eaten jokes that had given me the dry gripes when I was a boy thirteen
hundred years afterwards. It about convinced me that there isn't any such thing
as a new joke possible. Everybody laughed at these antiquities - but then they
always do; I had noticed that, centuries later. However, of course the Scoffer
didn't laugh - I mean the boy. No, he scoffed; there wasn't't anything he wouldn't
scoff at. He said the most of Sir Dinadan's jokes were rotten and the rest were
petrified. I said »petrified« was good; as I believed, myself, that the only
right way to classify the majestic ages of some of those jokes was by geologic
periods. But that neat idea hit the boy in a blank place, for geology hadn't
been invented yet. He failed to catch on. However, I made a note of the remark,
and calculated to educate the commonwealth up to it if I pulled through. It is
no use to throw a good thing away merely because the market isn't ripe yet.
    Now Sir Kay arose and began to fire up on his history-mill, with me for
fuel. It was time for me to feel serious, and I did. Sir Kay told how he had
encountered me in a far land of barbarians who all wore the same ridiculous garb
that I did - a garb that was a work of enchantment and intended to make the
wearer secure from hurt by human hands. However, he had nullified the force of
the enchantment by prayer, and had killed my thirteen knights in a three-hours'
battle and taken me prisoner, sparing my life in order that so strange a
curiosity as I was might be exhibited to the wonder and admiration of the king
and the court. He spoke of me all the time, in the blandest way, as this
prodigious giant, and this horrible sky-towering monster, and this tushed and
taloned man-devouring ogre; and everybody took in all this bosh in the naivest
way, and never smiled or seemed to notice that there was any discrepancy between
these watered statistics and me. He said that in trying to escape from him I
sprang into the top of a tree two hundred cubits high at a single bound, but he
dislodged me with a stone the size of a cow, which all-to brast the most of my
bones, and then swore me to appear at Arthur's court for sentence. He ended by
condemning me to die at noon on the 21st; and was to little concerned about it
that he stopped to yawn before he named the date.
    I was in a dismal state by this time; indeed, I was hardly enough in my
right mind to keep the run of a dispute that sprung up as to how I had better be
killed, the possibility of the killing being doubted by some, be cause of the
enchantment in my clothes. And yet it was nothing but an ordinary suit of
fifteen-dollar slop-shops. Still, I was sane enough to notice this detail, to
wit: many of the terms used in the most matter-of-fact way by this great
assemblage of the first ladies and gentlemen in the land would have made a
Comanche blush. Indelicacy is too mild a term to convey the idea. However, I had
read »Tom Jones,« and »Roderick Random,« and other books of that kind, and knew
that the first ladies and gentlemen in England had remained little or no cleaner
in their talk, and in the morals and conduct which such talk implies, clear up
to a hundred years ago; in fact, clear into our own nineteenth century - in
which century, broadly speaking, the earliest samples of the real lady and real
gentleman discoverable in English history - or in European history, for that
matter - may be said to have made their appearance. Suppose Sir Walter, instead
of putting the conversations into the mouths of his characters, had allowed the
characters to speak for themselves? We should have had talk from Rebecca and
Ivanhoe and the soft Lady Rowena which would embarrass a tramp in our day.
However, to the unconsciously indelicate, all things are delicate. King Arthur's
people were not aware that they were indecent, and I had presence of mind enough
not to mention it.
    They were so troubled about my enchanted clothes that they were mightily
relieved, at last, when old Merlin swept the difficulty away for them with a
common-sense hint. He asked them why they were so dull - why didn't it occur to
them to strip me. In half a minute I was as naked as a pair of tongs! And dear,
dear, to think of it: I was the only embarrassed person there. Everybody
discussed me; and did it as unconcernedly as if I had been a cabbage. Queen
Guenever was as naively interested as the rest, and said she had never seen
anybody with legs just like mine before. It was the only compliment I got - if
it was a compliment.
    Finally, I was carried off in one direction, and my perilous clothes in
another. I was shoved into a dark and narrow cell in a dungeon, with some scant
remnants for dinner, some mouldy straw for a bed, and no end of rats for
company.
 

                                   Chapter 5

                                 An Inspiration

I was so tired that even my fears were not able to keep me awake long.
    When I next came to myself, I seemed to have been asleep a very long time.
My first thought was, »Well, what an astonishing dream I've had! I reckon I've
waked only just in time to keep from being hanged or drowned or burned, or
something. ... I'll nap again till the whistle blows, and then I'll go down to
the arms-factory and have it out with Hercules.«
    But just then I heard the harsh music of rusty chains and bolts, a light
flashed in my eyes, and that butterfly, Clarence, stood before me! I gasped with
surprise; my breath almost got away from me.
    »What!« I said, »you here yet? Go along with the rest of the dream!
scatter!«
    But he only laughed, in his light-hearted way, and fell to making fun of my
sorry plight.
    »All right,« I said resignedly, »let the dream go on; I'm in no hurry.«
    »Prithee what dream?«
    »What dream? Why, the dream that I am in Arthur's court - a person who never
existed; and that I am talking to you, who are nothing but a work of
imagination.«
    »Oh, la, indeed! and is it a dream that you're to be burned to-morrow? Ho-ho
- answer me that!«
    The shock that went through me was distressing. I now began to reason that
my situation was in the last degree serious, dream or no dream; for I knew by
past experience of the life-like intensity of dreams, that to be burned to
death, even in a dream, would be very far from being a jest, and was a thing to
be avoided, by any means, fair or foul, that I could contrive. So I said
beseechingly:
    »Ah, Clarence, good boy, only friend I've got, - for you are my friend,
aren't you? - don't fail me; help me to devise some way of escaping from this
place!«
    »Now do but hear thyself! Escape? Why, man, the corridors are in guard and
keep of men-at-arms.«
    »No doubt, no doubt. But how many, Clarence? Not many, I hope?«
    »Full a score. One may not hope to escape.« After a pause - hesitatingly:
»and there be other reasons - and weightier.«
    »Other ones? What are they?«
    »Well, they say - oh, but I daren't, indeed I daren't!«
    »Why, poor lad, what is the matter? Why do you blench? why do you tremble
so?«
    »Oh, in sooth there is need! I do want to tell you, but -«
    »Come, come, be brave, be a man - speak out, there's a good lad!«
    He hesitated, pulled one way by desire, the other way by fear; then he stole
to the door and peeped out, listening; and finally crept close to me and put his
mouth to my ear and told me his fearful news in a whisper, and with all the
cowering apprehension of one who was venturing upon awful ground and speaking of
things whose very mention might be freighted with death:
    »Merlin, in his malice, has woven a spell about this dungeon, and there
bides not the man in these kingdoms that would be desperate enough to essay to
cross its lines with you! Now God pity me, I have told it! Ah, be kind to me, be
merciful to a poor boy who means thee well; for an thou betray me I am lost!«
    I laughed the only really refreshing laugh I had had for some time; and
shouted -
    »Merlin has wrought a spell! Merlin, forsooth! That cheap old humbug, that
maundering old ass? Bosh, pure bosh, the silliest bosh in the world! Why it does
seem to me that of all the childish, idiotic, chuckle-headed, chicken-livered
superstitions that ev - oh, damn Merlin!«
    But Clarence had slumped to his knees before I had half finished, and he was
like to go out of his mind with fright.
    »Oh, beware! these are awful words! Any moment these walls may crumble upon
us if you say such things. Oh call them back before it is too late!«
    Now this strange exhibition gave me a good idea and set me to thinking. If
everybody about here was so honestly and sincerely afraid of Merlin's pretended
magic as Clarence was, certainly a superior man like me ought to be shrewd
enough to contrive some way to take advantage of such a state of things. I went
on thinking, and worked out plan. Then I said:
    »Get up. Pull yourself together; look me in the eye. Do you know why I
laughed?«
    »No - but for our blessed Lady's sake, do it no more.«
    »Well, I'll tell you why I laughed. Because I'm a magician myself.«
    »Thou!« The boy recoiled a step, and caught his breath, for the thing hit
him rather sudden; but the aspect which he took on was very, very respectful. I
took quick note of that; it indicated that a humbug didn't need to have a
reputation in this asylum; people stood ready to take him at his word, without
that. I resumed:
    »I've known Merlin seven hundred years, and he -«
    »Seven hun -«
    »Don't interrupt me. He has died and come alive again thirteen times, and
travelled under a new name every time: Smith, Jones, Robinson, Jackson, Peters,
Haskins, Merlin - a new alias every time he turns up. I knew him in Egypt three
hundred years ago; I knew him in India five hundred years ago - he is always
blethering around in my way, everywhere I go; he makes me tired. He don't amount
to shucks, as a magician; knows some of the old common tricks, but has never got
beyond the rudiments, a never will. He is we enough for the provinces -
one-night stands and that sort of thing, you know - but dear me, he oughtn't to
set up for an expert - anyway not where there's a real artist. Now look here,
Clarence, I am going to stand your friend, right along, and in return you must
be mine. I want you to do me a favour. I want you to get word to the king that I
am a magician myself - and the Supreme Grand High-yu-Mucka-muck and head of the
tribe, at that; and I want him to be made to understand that I am just quietly
arranging a little calamity here that will make the fur fly in these realms if
Sir Kay's project is carried out and any harm comes to me. Will you get that to
the king for me?«
    The poor boy was in such a state that he could hardly answer me. It was
pitiful to see a creature so terrified, so unnerved, so demoralized. But he
promised everything; and on my side he made me promise over and over again that
I would remain his friend, and never turn against him or cast any enchantments
upon him. Then he worked his way out, staying himself with his hand along the
wall, like a sick person.
    Presently this thought occurred to me: how heedless I have been! when the
boy gets calm, he will wonder why a great magician like me should have begged a
boy like him to help me get out of this place; he will put this and that
together, and will see that I am a humbug.
    I worried over that heedless blunder for an hour, and called myself a great
many hard names, meantime. But finally it occurred to me all of a sudden that
these animals didn't reason; that they never put this and that together; that
all their talk showed that they didn't know a discrepancy when they saw it. I
was at rest, then.
    But as soon as one is at rest, in this world, off he goes on something else
to worry about. It occurred to me that I had made another blunder: I had sent
the boy off to alarm his betters with a threat - I intending to invent a
calamity at my leisure; now the people who are the readiest and eagerest and
willingest to swallow miracles, are the very ones who are hungriest to see you
perform them; suppose I should be called on for a sample? Suppose I should be
asked to name my calamity? Yes, I had made a blunder; I ought to have invented
my calamity first. »What shall I do; what can I say, to gain a little time?« I
was in trouble again; in the deepest kind of trouble. ... »There's a footstep! -
they're coming. If I had only just a moment to think. ... Good, I've got it. I'm
all right.«
    You see, it was the eclipse. It came into my mind, in the nick of time, how
Columbus, or Cortez, or one of those people, played an eclipse as a saving trump
once, on some savages, and I saw my chance. I could play it myself, now; and it
wouldn't be any plagiarism, either, because I should get it in nearly a thousand
years ahead of those parties.
    Clarence came in, subdued, distressed, and said:
    »I hasted the message to our liege the king, and straightway he had me to
his presence. He was frighted, even to the marrow, and was minded to give order
for your instant enlargement, and that you be clothed in fine raiment and lodged
as befitted one so great; but then came Merlin and spoiled all; for he persuaded
the king that you are mad, and know not whereof you speak; and said your threat
is but foolishness and idle vaporing. They disputed long; but in the end,
Merlin, scoffing, said, Wherefore hath he not named his brave calamity? Verily
it is because he cannot. This thrust did in a most sudden sort close the king's
mouth, and he could offer naught to turn the argument; and so, reluctant, and
full loth to do you the discourtesy, he yet prayeth you to consider his
perplexed case, as noting how the matter stands, and name the calamity - if so
be you have determined the nature of it and the time of its coming. Oh, prithee
delay not; to delay at such a time were to double and treble the perils that
already compass thee about. Oh, be thou wise - name the calamity!«
    I allowed silence to accumulate while I got my impressiveness together, and
then said:
    »How long have I been shut up in this hole?«
    »Ye were shut up when yesterday was well spent. It is nine of the morning,
now.«
    »No! Then I have slept well, sure enough. Nine in the morning now! and yet
it is the very complexion of midnight to a shade. This is the 20th, then?«
    »The 20th - yes.«
    »And I am to be burned alive to-morrow.« The boy shuddered. »At what hour?«
    »At high noon.«
    »Now then, I will tell you what to say.« I paused, and stood over that
cowering lad a whole minute in awful silence; then in a voice deep, measured,
charged with doom, I began, and rose by dramatically graded stages to my
colossal climax, which I delivered in as sublime and noble a way as ever I did
such a thing in my life: »Go back and tell the king that at that hour I will
smother the whole world in the dead blackness of midnight; I will blot out the
sun, and he shall never shine again; the fruits of the earth shall rot for lack
of light and warmth, and the peoples of the earth shall famish and die, to the
last man!«
    I had to carry the boy out, myself, he sunk into such a collapse. I handed
him over to the soldiers, and went back.
 

                                   Chapter 6

                                  The Eclipse

In the stillness and the darkness, realization soon began to supplement
knowledge. The mere knowledge of a fact is pale; but when you come to realize
your fact, it takes on colour. It is all the difference between hearing of a man
being stabbed to the heart, and seeing it done. In the stillness and the
darkness, the knowledge that I was in deadly danger took to itself deeper and
deeper meaning all the time; a something which was realization crept inch by
inch through my veins and turned me cold.
    But it is a blessed provision of nature that at times like these, as soon as
a man's mercury has got down to a certain point there comes a revulsion, and he
rallies. Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it, and then he is in good
shape to do something for himself if anything can be done. When my rally came,
it came with a bound. I said to myself that my eclipse would be sure to save me,
and make me the greatest man in the kingdom besides; and straightway my mercury
went up to the top of the tube, and my solicitudes all vanished. I was as happy
a man as there was in the world. I was even impatient for to- to come, I so
wanted to gather-in that great triumph and be the centre of all the nation's
wonder and reverence. Besides, in a business way it would be the making of me; I
knew that.
    Meantime there was one thing which had got pushed into the background of my
mind. That was, the half-conviction that when the nature of my proposed calamity
should be reported to those superstitious people, it would have such an effect
that they would want to compromise. So, by and by when I heard footsteps coming,
that thought was recalled to me, and I said to myself, »As sure as anything,
it's the compromise. Well, if it is good, all right, I will accept; but if it
isn't, I mean to stand my ground and play my hand for all it is worth.«
    The door opened, and some men-at-arms appeared. The leader said -
    »The stake is ready. Come!«
    The stake! The strength went out of me, and I almost fell down. It is hard
to get one's breath at such a time, such lumps come into one's throat, and such
gaspings; but as soon as I could speak, I said:
    »But this is a mistake - the execution is to-morrow.«
    »Order changed; been set forward a day. Haste thee!«
    I was lost. There was no help for me. I was dazed, stupefied; I had no
command over myself; I only wandered purposelessly about, like one out of his
mind; so the soldiers took hold of me, and pulled me along with them, out of the
cell and along the maze of underground corridors, and finally into the fierce
glare of daylight and the upper world. As we stepped into the vast enclosed
court of the castle I got a shock; for the first thing I saw was the stake,
standing in the centre, and near it the piled fagots and a monk. On all four
sides of the court the seated multitudes rose rank above rank, forming sloping
terraces that were rich with colour. The king and the queen sat in their thrones,
the most conspicuous figures there, of course.
    To note all this, occupied but a second. The next second Clarence had
slipped from some place of concealment and was pouring news into my ear, his
eyes beaming with triumph and gladness. He said:
    »'Tis through me the change was wrought! And main hard have I worked to do
it, too. But when I revealed to them the calamity in store, and saw how mighty
was the terror it did engender, then saw I also that this was the time to
strike! Wherefore I diligently pretended, unto this and that and the other one,
that your power against the sun could not reach its full until the morrow; and
so if any would save the sun and the world, you must be slain to-day, whilst
your enchantments are but in the weaving, and lack potency. Odsbodkins it was
but a dull lie, a most indifferent invention, but you should have seen them
seize it and swallow it, in the frenzy of their fright, as it were salvation
sent from heaven; and all the while was I laughing in my sleeve the one moment,
to see them so cheaply deceived, and glorifying God the next, that He was
content to let the meanest of His creatures be His instrument to the saving of
thy life. Ah, how happy has the matter sped! You will not need to do the sun a
real hurt - ah, forget not that, on your soul forget it not! Only make a little
darkness - only the littlest little darkness, mind, and cease with that. It will
be sufficient. They will see that I spoke falsely, - being ignorant, as they
will fancy - and with the falling of the first shadow of that darkness you shall
see them go mad with fear; and they will set you free and make you great! Go to
thy triumph, now! but remember - ah, good friend, I implore thee remember my
supplication, and do the blessed sun no hurt. For my sake, thy true friend.«
    I choked out some words through my grief and misery; as much as to say I
would spare the sun; for which the lad's eyes paid me back with such deep and
loving gratitude that I had not the heart to tell him his good-hearted
foolishness had ruined me and sent me to my death.
    As the soldiers assisted me across the court the stillness was so profound
that if I had been blindfolded I should have supposed I was in a solitude
instead of walled in by four thousand people. There was not a movement
perceptible in those masses of humanity; they were as rigid as stone images, and
as pale; and dread sat upon every countenance. This hush continued while I was
being chained to the stake; it still continued while the fagots were carefully
and tediously piled about my ankles, my knees, my thighs, my body. Then there
was a pause, and a deeper hush, if possible, and a man knelt down at my feet
with a blazing torch; the multitude strained forward, gazing, and parting
slightly from their seats without knowing it; the monk raised his hands above my
head, and his eyes toward the blue sky, and began some words in Latin; in this
attitude he droned on and on, a little while, and then stopped. I waited two or
three moments: then looked up; he was standing there petrified. With a common
impulse the multitude rose slowly up and stared into the sky. I followed their
eyes; as sure as guns, there was my eclipse beginning! The life went boiling
through my veins; I was a new man! The rim of black spread slowly into the sun's
disk, my heart beat higher and higher, and still the assemblage and the priest
stared into the sky, motionless. I knew that this gaze would be turned upon me,
next. When it was, I was ready. I was in one of the most grand attitudes I ever
struck, with my arm stretched up, pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect.
You could see the shudder sweep the mass like a wave. Two shouts rang out, one
close upon the heels of the other:
    »Apply the torch!«
    »I forbid it!«
    The one was from Merlin, the other from the king. Merlin started from his
place - to apply the torch himself, I judged. I said:
    »Stay where you are. If any man moves - even the king - before I give him
leave, I will blast him with thunder, I will consume him with lightnings!«
    The multitude sank meekly into their seats, and I was just expecting they
would. Merlin hesitated a moment or two, and I was on pins and needles during
that little while. Then he sat down, and I took a good breath; for I knew I was
master of the situation now. The king said:
    »Be merciful, fair sir, and essay no further in this perilous matter, lest
disaster follow. It was reported to us that your powers could not attain unto
their full strength until the morrow; but -«
    »Your majesty thinks the report may have been a lie? It was a lie.«
    That made an immense effect; up went appealing hands everywhere, and the
king was assailed with a storm of supplications that I might be bought off at
any price and the calamity stayed. The king was eager to comply. He said:
    »Name any terms, reverend sir, even to the halving of my kingdom; but banish
this calamity, spare the sun!«
    My fortune was made. I would have taken him up in a minute, but I couldn't
stop an eclipse; the thing was out of the question. So I asked time to consider.
The king said -
    »How long - ah, how long, good sir? Be merciful; look, it groweth darker,
moment by moment. Prithee, how long?«
    »Not long. Half an hour - maybe an hour.«
    There were a thousand pathetic protests, but I couldn't shorten up any, for
I couldn't remember how long a total eclipse lasts. I was in a puzzled
condition, anyway, and wanted to think. Something was wrong about that eclipse,
and the fact was very unsettling. If this wasn't't the one I was after, how was I
to tell whether this was the sixth century, or nothing but a dream? Dear me, if
I could only prove it was the latter! Here was a glad new hope. If the boy was
right about the date, and this was surely the 20th, it wasn't't the sixth century.
I reached for the monk's sleeve, in considerable excitement, and asked him what
day of the month it was.
    Hang him, he said it was the twenty-first! It made me turn cold to hear him.
I begged him to not make any mistake about it; but he was sure; he knew it was
the 21st. So that feather-headed boy had botched things again! The time of day
was right for the eclipse; I had seen that for myself, in the beginning, by the
dial that was near by. Yes, I was in King Arthur's court, and I might as well
make the most out of it I could.
    The darkness was steadily growing, the people becoming more and more
distressed. I now said:
    »I have reflected, sir king. For a lesson, I will let this darkness proceed,
and spread night in the world; but whether I blot out the sun for good, or
restore it, shall rest with you. These are the terms, to wit: you shall remain
king over all your dominions, and receive all the glories and honours that belong
to the kingship; but you shall appoint me your perpetual minister and executive,
and give me for my services one per cent of such actual increase of revenue over
and above its present amount as I may succeed in creating for the state. If I
can't live on that, I shan't ask anybody to give me a lift. Is it satisfactory?«
    There was a prodigious roar of applause, and out of the midst of it the
king's voice rose, saying:
    »Away with his bonds, and set him free! and do him homage, high and low,
rich and poor, for he is become the king's right hand, is clothed with power and
authority, and his seat is upon the highest step of the throne! Now sweep away
this creeping night, and bring the light and cheer again, that all the world may
bless thee.«
    But I said:
    »That a common man should be shamed before the world, is nothing; but it
were dishonour to the king if any that saw his minister naked should not also see
him delivered from his shame. If I might ask that my clothes be brought again -«
    »They are not meet,« the king broke in. »Fetch raiment of another sort;
clothe him like a prince!«
    My idea worked. I wanted to keep things as they were till the eclipse was
total, otherwise they would be trying again to get me to dismiss the darkness,
and of course I couldn't do it. Sending for the clothes gained some delay, but
not enough. So I had to make another excuse. I said it would be but natural if
the king should change his mind and repent to some extent of what he had done
under excitement; therefore I would let the darkness grow a while, and if at the
end of a reasonable time the king had kept his mind the same, the darkness
should be dismissed. Neither the king nor anybody else was satisfied with that
arrangement, but I had to stick to my point.
    It grew darker and darker, and blacker and blacker, while I struggled with
those awkward sixth-century clothes. It got to be pitch dark, at last, and the
multitude groaned with horror to feel the cold uncanny night breezes fan through
the place and see the stars come out and twinkle in the sky. At last the eclipse
was total, and I was very glad of it, but everybody else was in misery; which
was quite natural. I said:
    »The king, by his silence, still stands to the terms.« Then I lifted up my
hands - stood just so a moment - then I said, with the most awful solemnity:
»Let the enchantment dissolve and pass harmless away!«
    There was no response, for a moment, in that deep darkness and that
graveyard hush. But when the silver rim of the sun pushed itself out, a moment
or two later, the assemblage broke loose with a vast shout and came pouring down
like a deluge to smother me with blessings and gratitude; and Clarence was not
the last of the wash, be sure.
 

                                   Chapter 7

                                 Merlin's Tower

Inasmuch as I was now the second personage in the kingdom, as far as political
power and authority were concerned, much was made of me. My raiment was of silks
and velvets and cloth of gold, and by consequence was very showy, also
uncomfortable. But habit would soon reconcile me to my clothes; I was aware of
that. I was given the choicest suite of apartments in the castle, after the
king's. They were aglow with loud-coloured silken hangings, but the stone floors
had nothing but rushes on them for a carpet, and they were misfit rushes at
that, being not all of one breed. As for conveniences, properly speaking, there
weren't any. I mean little conveniences; it is the little conveniences that make
the real comfort of life. The big oaken chairs, graced with rude carvings, were
well enough, but that was the stopping-place. There was no soap, no matches, no
looking-glass - except a metal one, about as powerful as a pail of water. And
not a chromo. I had been used to chromos for years, and I saw now, that without
my suspecting it a passion for art had got worked into the fabric of my being,
and was become a part of me. It made me homesick to look around over this proud
and gaudy but heartless barrenness and remember that in our house in East
Hartford, all unpretending as it was, you couldn't go into a room but you would
find an insurance-chromo, or at least a three-colour God-Bless-Our-Home over the
door; and in the parlour we had nine. But here, even in my grand room of state,
there wasn't't anything in the nature of a picture except a thing the size of a
bed-quilt, which was either woven or knitted, (it had darned places in it,) and
nothing in it was the right colour or the right shape; and as for proportions,
even Raphael himself couldn't have botched them more formidably after all his
practice on those nightmares they call his celebrated Hampton Court Cartoons.
Raphael was a bird. We had several of his chromos; one was his Miraculous
Draught of Fishes, where he puts in a miracle of his own - puts three men into a
canoe which wouldn't have held a dog without upsetting. I always admired to
study R.'s art, it was so fresh and unconventional.
    There wasn't't even a bell or a speaking tube in the castle. I had a great
many servants, and those that were on duty lolled in the anterooms; and when I
wanted one of them I had to go and call for him. There was no gas, there were no
candles; a bronze dish half full of boarding-house butter, with a blazing rag
floating in it was the thing that produced what was regarded as light. A lot of
these hung along the walls and modified the dark, just toned it down enough to
make it dismal. If you went out at night, your servants carried torches. There
were no books, pens, paper, or ink; and no glass in the openings they believed
to be windows. It is a little thing - glass is - until it is absent, then it
becomes a big thing. But perhaps the worst of all was, that there wasn't't any
sugar, coffee, tea or tobacco. I saw that I was just another Robinson Crusoe
cast away on an uninhabited island, with no society but some more or less tame
animals, and if I wanted to make life bearable I must do as he did - invent,
contrive, create; reorganize things; set brain and hand to work, and keep them
busy. Well, that was in my line.
    One thing troubled me, along at first - the immense interest which people
took in me. Apparently the whole nation wanted a look at me. It soon transpired
that the eclipse had scared the British world almost to death; that while it
lasted the whole country, from one end to the other, was in a pitiable state of
panic, and the churches, hermitages and monkeries overflowed with praying and
weeping poor creatures who thought the end of the world was come. Then had
followed the news that the producer of this awful event was a stranger, a mighty
magician at Arthur's court; that he could have blown out the sun like a candle,
and was just going to do it when his mercy was purchased, and he then dissolved
his enchantments, and was now recognized and honoured as the man who had by his
unaided might saved the globe from destruction and its peoples from extinction.
Now if you consider that everybody believed that, and not only believed it but
never even dreamed of doubting it, you will easily understand that there was not
a person in all Britain that would not have walked fifty miles to get a sight of
me. Of course I was all the talk - all other subjects were dropped; even the
king became suddenly a person of minor interest and notoriety. Within
twenty-four hours the delegations began to arrive, and from that time onward for
a fortnight they kept coming. The village was crowded, and all the countryside.
I had to go out a dozen times a day and show myself to these reverent and
awe-stricken multitudes. It came to be a great burden, as to time and trouble,
but of course it was at the same time compensatingly agreeable to be so
celebrated and such a centre of homage. It turned Brer Merlin green with envy
and spite, which was a great satisfaction to me. But there was one thing I
couldn't understand: nobody had asked for an autograph. I spoke to Clarence
about it. By George, I had to explain to him what it was. Then he said nobody in
the country could read or write but a few dozen priests. Land! think of that.
    There was another thing that troubled me a little. Those multitudes
presently began to agitate for another miracle. That was natural. To be able to
carry back to their far homes the boast that they had seen the man who could
command the sun, riding in the heavens, and be obeyed, would make them great in
the eyes of their neighbours, and envied by them all; but to be able to also say
they had seen him work a miracle themselves - why, people would come a distance
to see them. The pressure got to be pretty strong. There was going to be an
eclipse of the moon, and I knew the date and hour, but it was too far away. Two
years. I would have given a good deal for license to hurry it up and use it now
when there was a big market for it. It seemed a great pity to have it wasted,
so, and come lagging along at a time when a body wouldn't have any use for it as
like as not. If it had been booked for only a month away, I could have sold it
short; but as matters stood, I couldn't seem to cipher out any way to make it do
me any good, so I gave up trying. Next, Clarence found that old Merlin was
making himself busy on the sly, among those people. He was spreading a report
that I was a humbug, and that the reason I didn't accommodate the people with a
miracle was because I couldn't. I saw that I must do something. I presently
thought out a plan.
    By my authority as executive I threw Merlin into prison - the same cell I
had occupied myself, - and I didn't thin out the rats any for his accommodation.
Then I gave public notice by herald and trumpet that I should be busy with
affairs of state for a fortnight, but about the end of that time I would take a
moment's leisure and blow up Merlin's ancient stone tower by fires from heaven;
in the meantime, whoso listened to evil reports about me, let him beware.
Furthermore, I would perform but this one miracle at this time, and no more; if
it failed to satisfy, and any murmured, I would turn the murmurers into horses,
and make them useful. Quiet ensued.
    I took Clarence into my confidence, to a certain degree, and we went to work
privately. I told him that this was a sort of miracle that required a trifle of
preparation; and that it would be sudden death to ever talk about these
preparations to anybody. That made his mouth safe enough. Clandestinely we made
a few bushels of first-rate blasting-powder, and I superintended my armorers
while they constructed a lightning rod and some wires. This old stone tower was
very massive - and rather ruinous, too, for it was Roman, and four hundred years
old. Yes, and handsome, after a rude fashion, and clothed with ivy from base to
summit, as with a shirt of scale mail. It stood on a lonely eminence, in good
view from the castle, and about half a mile away.
    Working by night, we stowed the powder in the tower - dug stones out, on the
inside and buried the powder in the walls themselves, which were fifteen feet
thick, at the base. We put in a peck at a time, in a dozen places. We could have
blown up the Tower of London with these charges. When the thirteenth night was
come we put up our lightning rod, bedded it in one of the batches of powder, and
ran wires from it to the other batches. Everybody had shunned that locality from
the day of my proclamation, but on the morning of the fourteenth I thought best
to warn the people, through the heralds, to keep clear away - a quarter of a
mile away. They added, by command, that at some time during the twenty-four
hours I would consummate the miracle, but would first give a brief notice; by
flags on the castle towers, if in the daytime, or by torch-baskets in the same
places if at night.
    Thunder showers had been tolerably frequent, of late, and I was not much
afraid of a failure; still, I shouldn't have cared for a delay of a day or two;
I should have explained that I was busy with affairs of state, yet, and the
people must wait.
    Of course we had a blazing sunny day - almost the first one without a cloud
for three weeks; things always happen so. I kept secluded, and watched the
weather. Clarence dropped in from time to time, and said the public excitement
was growing and growing all the time, and the whole country filling up with
human masses as far as one could see from the battlements. At last the wind
sprang up, and a cloud appeared - in the right quarter, too, and just at
nightfall. For a little while I watched that distant cloud spread and blacken,
then I judged it was time for me to appear. I ordered the torch-baskets to be
lit, and Merlin liberated and sent to me. A quarter of an hour later I ascended
to the parapet and there found the king and the court assembled and gazing off
in the darkness toward Merlin's tower. Already the gloom was so thick that one
could not see far; these people, and the old turrets, being partly in deep
shadow and partly in the red glow from the great torch-baskets overhead, made a
good deal of a picture.
    Merlin arrived in a sinister mood. I said:
    »You wanted to burn me alive when I had not done you any harm, and latterly
you have been trying to injure my professional reputation. Therefore I am going
to call down fire and blow up your tower; but it is only fair to give you a
chance; now if you think you can break my enchantments and ward off the fires,
step to the bat, it's your innings.«
    »I can, fair sir, and I will. Doubt it not.«
    He drew an imaginary circle on the stones of the roof, and burnt a pinch of
powder in it which sent up a small cloud of aromatic smoke, whereat everybody
fell back and began to cross themselves and get uncomfortable. Then he began to
mutter and make passes in the air with his hands. He worked himself up slowly
and gradually into a sort of frenzy, and got to thrashing around with his arms
like the sails of a windmill. By this time the storm had about reached us; the
gusts of wind were flaring the torches and making the shadows swash about, the
first heavy drops of rain were falling, the world abroad was black as pitch, the
lightning began to wink fitfully. Of course my rod would be loading itself, now.
In fact, things were imminent. So I said:
    »You have had time enough. I have given you every advantage, and not
interfered. It is plain your magic is weak. It is only fair that I begin, now.«
    I made about three passes in the air, and then there was an awful crash and
that old tower leaped into the sky in chunks, along with a vast volcanic
fountain of fire that turned night to noonday and showed a thousand acres of
human beings groveling on the ground in a general collapse of consternation.
Well, it rained mortar and masonry the rest of the week. This was the report;
but I reckon they added on a couple of days.
    It was an effective miracle. The great bothersome temporary population
vanished. There were a good many thousand tracks in the mud the next morning,
but they were all outward bound. If I had advertised another miracle I couldn't
have raised an audience with a sheriff.
    Merlin's stock was flat. The king wanted to stop his wages; he even wanted
to banish him, but I interfered. I said he would be useful to work the weather,
and attend to small matters like that, and I would give him a lift now and then
when his poor little parlour-magic soured on him. There wasn't't a rag of his tower
left, but I had the government rebuild it for him, and advised him to take
boarders; but he was too high-toned for that. And as for being grateful, he
never even said thank-you. He was a rather hard lot, take him how you might; but
then you couldn't fairly expect a man to be sweet that had been set back so.
 

                                   Chapter 8

                                    The Boss

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking
world consent to it is a finer. The tower-episode solidified my power, and made
it impregnable. If any were perchance disposed to be jealous and critical before
that, they experienced a change of heart, now. There was not any one in the
kingdom who would have considered it good judgment to meddle with my matters.
    I was fast getting adjusted to my situation and circumstances. For a time, I
used to wake up, mornings, and smile at my dream, and listen for the Colt's
factory-whistle; but that sort of thing played itself out, gradually, and at
last I was fully able to realize that I was actually living in the sixth
century, and in Arthur's court, not a lunatic asylum. After that, I was just as
much at home in that century as I could have been in any other; and as for
preference, I wouldn't have traded it for the twentieth. Look at the
opportunities here for a man of knowledge, brains, pluck and enterprise to sail
in and grow up with the country. The grandest field that ever was; and all my
own; not a competitor nor the shadow of a competitor; not a man who wasn't't a
baby to me in acquirements and capacities: whereas, what would I amount to in
the twentieth century? I should be foreman of a factory, that is about all; and
could drag a seine down street any day and catch a hundred better men than
myself.
    What a jump I had made! I couldn't keep from thinking about it, and
contemplating it, just as one does who has struck oil. There was nothing back of
me that could approach it, unless it might be Joseph's case; and Joseph's only
approached it, it didn't equal it, quite. For it stands to reason that as
Joseph's splendid financial ingenuities advantaged nobody but the king, the
general public must have regarded him with a good deal of disfavor; whereas I
had done my entire public a kindness in sparing the sun, and was popular by
reason of it.
    I was no shadow of a king; I was the substance, the king himself was the
shadow. My power was colossal; and it was not a mere name, as such things have
generally been, it was the genuine article. I stood here, at the very spring and
source of the second great period of the world's history; and could see the
trickling stream of that history gather, and deepen, and broaden, and roll its
mighty tides down the far centuries; and I could note the upspringing of
adventurers like myself in the shelter of its long array of thrones: De
Montforts, Gavestons, Mortimers, Villierses; the war-making, campaign-directing
wantons of France, and Charles the Second's sceptre-wielding drabs; but nowhere
in the procession was my full-sized fellow visible. I was a Unique; and glad to
know that that fact could not be dislodged or challenged for thirteen centuries
and a half, for sure.
    Yes, in power I was equal to the king. At the same time there was another
power that was a trifle stronger than both of us put together. That was the
Church. I do not wish to disguise that fact. I couldn't, if I wanted to. But
never mind about that, now; it will show up, in its proper place, later on. It
didn't cause me any trouble in the beginning - at least any of consequence.
    Well, it was a curious country, and full of interest. And the people! They
were the quaintest and simplest and trustingest race; why they were nothing but
rabbits. It was pitiful for a person born in a wholesome free atmosphere to
listen to their humble and hearty outpourings of loyalty toward their king and
Church and nobility: as if they had any more occasion to love and honour king and
Church and noble than a slave has to love and honour the lash, or a dog has to
love and honour the stranger that kicks him! Why, dear me, any kind of royalty,
howsoever modified, any kind of aristocracy, howsoever pruned, is rightly an
insult; but if you are born and brought up under that sort of arrangement you
probably never find it out for yourself, and don't believe it when somebody else
tells you. It is enough to make a body ashamed of his race to think of the sort
of froth that has always occupied its thrones without shadow of right or reason,
and the seventh-rate people that have always figured as its aristocracies - a
company of monarchs and nobles who, as a rule, would have achieved only poverty
and obscurity if left like their betters to their own exertions.
    The most of King Arthur's British nation were slaves, pure and simple, and
bore that name, and wore the iron collar on their necks; and the rest were
slaves in fact, but without the name; they imagined themselves men and freemen,
and called themselves so. The truth was, the nation as a body was in the world
for one object, and one only: to grovel before king and Church and noble; to
slave for them, sweat blood for them, starve that they might be fed, work that
they might play, drink misery to the dregs that they might be happy, go naked
that they might wear silks and jewels, pay taxes that they might be spared from
paying them, be familiar all their lives with the degrading language and
postures of adulation that they might walk in pride and think themselves the
gods of this world. And for all this, the thanks they got were cuffs and
contempt; and so poor-spirited were they that they took even this sort of
attention as an honour.
    Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting to observe and examine.
I had mine, the king and his people had theirs. In both cases they flowed in
ruts worn deep by time and habit, and the man who should have proposed to divert
them by reason and argument would have had a long contract on his hands. For
instance, those people had inherited the idea that all men without title and a
long pedigree, whether they had great natural gifts and acquirements or hadn't,
were creatures of no more consideration than so many animals, bugs, insects;
whereas I had inherited the idea that human daws who can consent to masquerade
in the peacock-shams of inherited dignities and unearned titles, are of no good
but to be laughed at. The way I was looked upon was odd, but it was natural. You
know how the keeper and the public regard the elephant in the menagerie: well,
that is the idea. They are full of admiration of his vast bulk and his
prodigious strength; they speak with pride of the fact that he can do a hundred
marvels which are far and away beyond their own powers; and they speak with the
same pride of the fact that in his wrath he is able to drive a thousand men
before him: but does that make him one of them? No; the raggedest tramp in the
pit would smile at the idea. He couldn't comprehend it; couldn't take it in;
couldn't in any remote way conceive of it. Well, to the king, the nobles, and
all the nation, down to the very slaves and tramps, I was just that kind of an
elephant, and nothing more. I was admired, also feared; but it was as an animal
is admired and feared. The animal is not reverenced, neither was I; I was not
even respected. I had no pedigree, no inherited title; so, in the king's and the
nobles' eyes I was mere dirt; the people regarded me with wonder and awe, but
there was no reverence mixed with it; through the force of inherited ideas they
were not able to conceive of anything being entitled to that except pedigree and
lordship. There you see the hand of that awful power, the Roman Catholic Church.
In two or three little centuries it had converted a nation of men to a nation of
worms. Before the day of the Church's supremacy in the world, men were men, and
held their heads up, and had a man's pride, and spirit, and independence; and
what of greatness and position a person got, he got mainly by achievement, not
by birth. But then the Church came to the front, with an axe to grind; and she
was wise, subtle, and knew more than one way to skin a cat - or a nation: she
invented divine right of kings, and propped it all around, brick by brick, with
the Beatitudes - wrenching them from their good purpose to make them fortify an
evil one; she preached (to the commoner,) humility, obedience to superiors, the
beauty of self-sacrifice; she preached (to the commoner,) meekness under insult;
preached (still to the commoner, always to the commoner,) patience, meanness of
spirit, non-resistance under oppression; and she introduced heritable ranks and
aristocracies, and taught all the Christian populations of the earth to bow down
to them and worship them. Even down to my birth-century that poison was still in
the blood of Christendom, and the best of English commoners was still content to
see his inferiors impudently continuing to hold a number of positions, such as
lordships and the throne, to which the grotesque laws of his country did not
allow him to aspire; in fact he was not merely contented with this strange
condition of things, he was even able to persuade himself that he was proud of
it. It seems to show that there isn't anything you can't stand, if you are only
born and bred to it. Of course that taint, that reverence for rank and title,
had been in our American blood, too - I know that; but when I left America it
had disappeared - at least to all intents and purposes. The remnant of it was
restricted to the dudes and dudesses. When a disease has worked its way down to
that level, it may fairly be said to be out of the system.
    But to return to my anomalous position in King Arthur's kingdom. Here I was,
a giant among pigmies, a man among children, a master intelligence among
intellectual moles: by all rational measurement the one and only actually great
man in that whole British world; and yet there and then, just as in the remote
England of my birth-time, the sheep-witted earl who could claim long descent
from a king's leman, acquired at second-hand from the slums of London, was a
better man than I was. Such a personage was fawned upon in Arthur's realm and
reverently looked up to by everybody, even though his dispositions were as mean
as his intelligence, and his morals as base as his lineage. There were times
when he could sit down in the king's presence; but I couldn't. I could have got
a title easily enough, and that would have raised me a large step in everybody's
eyes; even in the king's, the giver of it. But I didn't ask for it; and I
declined it when it was offered. I couldn't have enjoyed such a thing, with my
notions; and it wouldn't have been fair, anyway, because as far back as I could
go, our tribe had always been short of the bar sinister. I couldn't have felt
really and satisfactorily fine and proud and set-up over any title except one
that should come from the nation itself, the only legitimate source; and such an
one I hoped to win; and in the course of years of honest and honourable endeavour,
I did win it and did wear it with a high and clean pride. This title fell
casually from the lips of a blacksmith, one day, in a village; was caught up as
a happy thought and tossed from mouth to mouth with a laugh and an affirmative
vote; in ten days it had swept the kingdom, and was become as familiar as the
king's name. I was never known by any other designation afterwards, whether in
the nation's talk or in grave debate upon matters of state at the council board
of the sovereign. This title, translated into modern speech, would be THE BOSS.
Elected by the nation. That suited me. And it was a pretty high title. There
were very few THE'S, and I was one of them. If you spoke of the duke, or the
earl, or the bishop, how could anybody tell which one you meant? But if you
spoke of The King or The Queen or The Boss, it was different.
    Well, I liked the king, and as king I respected him - respected the office;
at least respected it as much as I was capable of respecting any unearned
supremacy; but as men I looked down upon him and his nobles - privately. And he
and they liked me, and respected my office; but as an animal, without birth or
sham title, they looked down upon me - and were not particularly private about
it, either. I didn't charge for my opinion about them, and they didn't charge
for their opinion about me: the account was square, the books balanced,
everybody was satisfied.
 

                                   Chapter 9

                                 The Tournament

They were always having grand tournaments there at Camelot; and very stirring,
and picturesque and ridiculous human bull-fights they were, too, but just a
little wearisome to the practical mind. However, I was generally on hand - for
two reasons: a man must not himself aloof from the things which his friends and
his community have at heart if he would be liked - especially a statesman; and
both as business man and statesman I wanted to study the tournament and see if I
couldn't invent an improvement on it. That reminds me to remark, in passing,
that the very first official thing I did, in my administration - and it was on
the very first day of it, too - was to start a patent office; for I knew that a
country without a patent office and good patent laws was just a crab, and
couldn't travel any way but sideways or backwards.
    Things ran along, a tournament nearly every week; and now and then the boys
used to want me to take a hand - I mean Sir Launcelot and the rest - but I said
I would by and by; no hurry yet, and too much government machinery to oil up and
set to rights and start agoing.
    We had one tournament which was continued from day to day during more than a
week, and as many as five hundred knights took part in it, from first to last.
They were weeks gathering. They came on horseback, from everywhere; from the
very ends of the country, and even from beyond the sea; and many brought ladies,
and all brought squires, and troops of servants. It was a most gaudy and
gorgeous crowd, as to costumery, and very characteristic of the country and the
time, in the way of high animal spirits, innocent indecencies of language, and
happy-hearted indifference to morals. It was fight or look on, all day and every
day; and sing, gamble, dance, carouse, half the night every night. They had a
most noble good time. You never saw such people. Those banks of beautiful
ladies, shining in their barbaric splendours, would see a knight sprawl from his
horse in the lists with a lance-shaft the thickness of your ankle clean through
him and the blood spouting, and instead of fainting they would clap their hands
and crowd each other for a better view; only sometimes one would dive into her
handkerchief, and look ostentatiously broken-hearted, and then you could lay two
to one that there was a scandal there somewhere and she was afraid the public
hadn't found it out.
    The noise at night would have been annoying to me ordinarily, but I didn't
mind it in the present circumstances, because it kept me from hearing the quacks
detaching legs and arms from the day's cripples. They ruined an uncommon good
old cross-cut saw for me, and broke the saw-buck, too, but I let it pass. And as
for my axe - well, I made up my mind that the next time I lent an axe to a
surgeon I would pick my century.
    I not only watched this tournament from day to day, but detailed an
intelligent priest from my Department of Public Morals and Agriculture, and
ordered him to report it; for it was my purpose by and by, when I should have
gotten the people along far enough, to start a newspaper. The first thing you
want in a new country, is a patent office; then work up your school system; and
after that, out with your paper. A newspaper has its faults, and plenty of them;
but no matter, it's hark from the tomb for a dead nation, and don't you forget
it. You can't resurrect a dead nation without it; there isn't any way. So I
wanted to sample things, and be finding out what sort of reporter-material I
might be able to rake together out of the sixth century when I should come to
need it.
    Well, the priest did very well, considering. He got in all the details, and
that is a good thing in a local item: you see, he had kept books for the
undertaker-department of his church when he was younger, and there, you know,
the money's in the details; the more details, the more swag: bearers, mutes,
candles, prayers - everything counts; and if the bereaved don't buy prayers
enough, you mark-up your candles with a forked pencil, and your bill shows up
all right. And he had a good knack at getting in the complimentary thing here
and there about a knight that was likely to advertise - no, I mean a knight that
had influence; and he also had a neat gift of exaggeration, for in his time he
had kept door for a pious hermit who lived in a sty and worked miracles.
    Of course this novice's report lacked whoop and crash and lurid description,
and therefore wanted the true ring; but its antique wording was quaint and sweet
and simple, and full of the fragrances and flavors of the time, and these little
merits made up, in a measure, for its more important lacks. Here is an extract
from it:
 
        Then Sir Brian de les Isles, and Grummore Grummorsum, knights of the
        castle, encountered with Sir Aglovale and Sir Tor, and Sir Tor smote
        down Sir Grummore Grummorsum to the earth. Then came in Sir Carados of
        the dolorous tower, and Sir Turquine, knights of the castle, and there
        encountered with them Sir Percivale de Galis and Sir Lamorak de Galis,
        that were two brethren, and there encountered Sir Percivale with Sir
        Carados, and either brake their spears unto their hands, and then Sir
        Turquine with Sir Lamorak, and either of them smote down other, horse
        and all, to the earth, and either parties rescued other and horsed them
        again. And Sir Arnold, and Sir Gauter, knights of the castle,
        encountered with Sir Brandiles and Sir Kay, and these four knights
        encountered mightily, and brake their spears to their hands. Then came
        Sir Pertolope from the castle, and there encountered with him Sir
        Lionel, and there Sir Pertolope the green knight smote down Sir Lionel,
        brother to Sir Launcelot. All this was marked by noble heralds, who bare
        him best, and their names. Then Sir Bleoberis brake his spear upon Sir
        Gareth, but of that stroke Sir Bleoberis fell to the earth. When Sir
        Galihodin saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep him, and Sir Gareth smote him
        to the earth. Then Sir Galihud gat a spear to avenge his brother, and in
        the same wise Sir Gareth served him, and Sir Dinadan and his brother La
        Cote Male Taile, and Sir Sagramour le Desirous, and Sir Dodinas le
        Savage; all these he bare down with one spear. When king Agwisance of
        Ireland saw Sir Gareth fare so he marvelled what he might be, that one
        time seemed green, and another time, at his again coming, he seemed
        blue. And thus at every course that he rode to and fro he changed his
        colour, so that there might neither king nor knight have ready
        cognisance of him. Then Sir Agwisance the king of Ireland encountered
        with Sir Gareth, and there Sir Gareth smote him from his horse, saddle
        and all. And then came king Carados of Scotland, and Sir Gareth smote
        him down, horse and man. And in the same wise he served king Uriens of
        the land of Gore. And then there came in Sir Bagdemagus, and Sir Gareth
        smote him down horse and man to the earth. And Bagdemagus's son
        Meliganus brake a spear upon Sir Gareth mightily and knightly. And then
        Sir Galahault the noble prince cried on high, Knight with the many
        colours, well hast thou justed; now make thee ready that I may just with
        thee. Sir Gareth heard him, and he gat a great spear, and so they
        encountered together, and there the prince brake his spear: but Sir
        Gareth smote him upon the left side of the helm, that he reeled here and
        there, and he had fallen down had not his men recovered him. Truly, said
        king Arthur, that knight with the many colours is a good knight.
        Wherefore the king called unto him Sir Launcelot, and prayed him to
        encounter with that knight. Sir, said Launcelot, I may well find in my
        heart for to forbear him as at this time, for he hath had travail enough
        this day, and when a good knight doth so well upon some day, it is no
        good knight's part to let him of his worship, and, namely, when he seeth
        a knight hath done so great labour: for peradventure, said Sir
        Launcelot, his quarrel is here this day, and peradventure he is best
        beloved with this lady of all that be here, for I see well he paineth
        himself and enforceth him to do great deeds, and therefore, said Sir
        Launcelot, as for me, this day he shall have the honour; though it lay
        in my power to put him from it, I would not.
 
There was an unpleasant little episode that day, which for reasons of state I
struck out of my priest's report. You will have noticed that Garry was doing
some great fighting in the engagement. When I say Garry I mean Sir Gareth. Garry
was my private pet name for him; it suggests that I had a deep affection for
him, and that was the case. But it was a private pet name only, and never spoken
aloud to any one, much less to him; being a noble, he would not have endured a
familiarity like that from me. Well, to proceed: I sat in the private box set
apart for me as the king's minister. While Sir Dinadan was waiting for his turn
to enter the lists, he came in there and sat down and began to talk; for he was
always making up to me, because I was a stranger and he liked to have a fresh
market for his jokes, the most of them having reached that stage of wear where
the teller has to do the laughing himself while the other person looks sick. I
had always responded to his efforts as well as I could, and had felt a very deep
and real kindness for him, too, for the reason that if by malice of fate he knew
the one particular anecdote which I had heard oftenest and had most hated and
most loathed all my life, he had at least spared it me. It was one which I had
heard attributed to every humorous person who had ever stood on American soil,
from Columbus down to Artemus Ward. It was about a humorous lecturer who flooded
an ignorant audience with the killingest jokes for an hour and never got a
laugh; and then when he was leaving, some gray simpletons wrung him gratefully
by the hand and said it had been the funniest thing they had ever heard, and »it
was all they could do to keep from laughin' right aout in meetin'.« That
anecdote never saw the day that it was worth the telling; and yet I had sat
under the telling of it hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of
times, and cried and cursed all the way through. Then who can hope to know what
my feelings were, to hear this armour-plated ass start in on it again, in the
murky twilight of tradition, before the dawn of history, while even Lactantius
might be referred to as the late Lactantius, and the Crusades wouldn't be born
for five hundred years yet? Just as he finished, the call-boy came; so,
haw-hawing like a demon, he went rattling and clanking out like a crate of loose
castings, and I knew nothing more. It was some minutes before I came to, and
then I opened my eyes just in time to see Sir Gareth fetch him an awful welt,
and I unconsciously out with the prayer, »I hope to gracious he's killed!« But
by ill luck, before I had got half through with the words, Sir Gareth crashed
into Sir Sagramour le Desirous and sent him thundering over his horse's crupper,
and Sir Sagramour caught my remark and thought I meant it for him.
    Well, whenever one of those people got a thing into his head, there was no
getting it out again. I knew that, so I saved my breath, and offered no
explanations. As soon as Sir Sagramour got well he notified me that there was a
little account to settle between us, and he named a day three or four years in
the future; place of settlement, the lists where the offence had been given. I
said I would be ready when he got back. You see, he was going for the Holy
Grail. The boys all took a flier at the Holy Grail now and then. It was a
several-years' cruise. They always put in the long absence snooping around, in
the most conscientious way, though none of them had any idea where the Holy
Grail really was, and I don't think any of them actually expected to find it, or
would have known what to do with it if he had run across it. You see, it was
just the Northwest Passage of that day, as you may say; that was all. Every year
expeditions went out holy grailing, and next year relief expeditions went out to
hunt for them. There was worlds of reputation in it, but no money. Why, they
actually wanted me to put in! Well, I should smile.
 

                                   Chapter 10

                           Beginnings of Civilization

The Round Table soon heard of the challenge, and of course it was a good deal
discussed, for such things interested the boys. The king thought I ought now to
set forth in quest of adventures, so that I might gain renown and be the more
worthy to meet Sir Sagramour when the several years should have rolled away. I
excused myself for the present; I said it would take me three or four years,
yet, to get things well fixed up and going smoothly; then I should be ready; all
the chances were that at the end of that time Sir Sagramour would still be out
grailing, so no valuable time would be lost by the postponement; I should then
have been in office six or seven years, and I believed my system and machinery
would be so well developed that I could take a holiday without its working any
harm.
    I was pretty well satisfied with what I had already accomplished. In various
quiet nooks and corners I had the beginnings of all sorts of industries under
way - nuclei of future vast factories, the iron and steel missionaries of my
future civilization. In these were gathered together the brightest young minds I
could find, and I kept agents out raking the country for more, all the time. I
was training a crowd of ignorant folk into experts - experts in every sort of
handiwork and scientific calling. These nurseries of mine went smoothly and
privately along undisturbed in their obscure country retreats, for nobody was
allowed to come into their precincts without a special permit - for I was afraid
of the Church.
    I had started a teacher-factory and a lot of Sunday schools the first thing;
as a result, I now had an admirable system of graded schools in full blast in
those places, and also a complete variety of Protestant congregations all in a
prosperous and growing condition. Everybody could be any kind of a Christian he
wanted to; there was perfect freedom in that matter. But I confined public
religious teaching to the churches and the Sunday schools, permitting nothing of
it in my other educational buildings. I could have given my own sect the
preference and made everybody a Presbyterian without any trouble, but that would
have been to affront a law of human nature: spiritual wants and instincts are as
various in the human family as are physical appetites, complexions and features,
and a man is only at his best, morally, when he is equipped with the religious
garment whose colour and shape and size most nicely accommodate themselves to the
spiritual complexion, angularities and stature of the individual who wears it;
and besides, I was afraid of a united church; it makes a mighty power, the
mightiest conceivable, and then when it by and by gets into selfish hands, as it
is always bound to do, it means death to human liberty, and paralysis to human
thought.
    All mines were royal property, and there were a good many of them. They had
formerly been worked as savages always work mines - holes grubbed in the earth
and the mineral brought up in sacks of hide by hand, at the rate of a ton a day;
but I had begun to put the mining on a scientific basis as early as I could.
    Yes, I had made pretty handsome progress when Sir Sagramour's challenge
struck me.
 
Four years rolled by - and then! Well, you would never imagine it in the world.
Unlimited power is the ideal thing - when it is in safe hands. The despotism of
heaven is the one absolutely perfect government. An earthly despotism would be
the absolutely perfect earthly government, if the conditions were the same,
namely, the despot the perfectest individual of the human race, and his lease of
life perpetual. But as a perishable perfect man must die, and leave his
despotism in the hands of an imperfect successor, an earthly despotism is not
merely a bad form of government, it is the worst form that is possible.
    My works showed what a despot could do, with the resources of a kingdom at
his command. Unsuspected by this dark land, I had the civilization of the
nineteenth century booming under its very nose! It was fenced away from the
public view, but there it was, a gigantic and unassailable fact - and to be
heard from, yet, if I lived and had luck. There it was, as sure a fact, and as
substantial a fact as any serene volcano, standing innocent with its smokeless
summit in the blue sky and giving no sign of the rising hell in its bowels. My
schools and churches were children four years before; they were grown-up, now;
my little shops of that day were vast factories, now; where I had a dozen
trained men then, I had a thousand now; where I had one brilliant expert then, I
had fifty now. I stood with my finger on the button, so to speak, ready to press
it and flood the midnight world with intolerable light at any moment. But I was
not going to do the thing in that sudden way. It was not my policy. The people
could not have stood it; and moreover I should have had the Established Roman
Catholic Church on my back in a minute.
    No, I had been going cautiously, all the while. I had had confidential
agents trickling through the country some time, whose office was to undermine
knighthood by imperceptible degrees, and to gnaw a little at this and that and
the other superstition, and so prepare the way gradually for a better order of
things. I was turning on my light one candle-power at a time, and meant to
continue to do so.
    I had scattered some branch schools secretly about the kingdom, and they
were doing very well. I meant to work this racket more and more, as time wore
on, if nothing occurred to frighten me. One of my deepest secrets was my West
Point - my military academy. I kept that most jealously out of sight; and I did
the same with my naval academy which I had established at a remote seaport. Both
were prospering to my satisfaction.
    Clarence was twenty-two, now, and was my head executive, my right hand. He
was a darling; he was equal to anything; there wasn't't anything he couldn't turn
his hand to. Of late I had been training him for journalism, for the time seemed
about right for a start in the newspaper line; nothing big, but just a small
weekly for experimental circulation in my civilization-nurseries. He took to it
like a duck; there was an editor concealed in him sure. Already he had doubled
himself in one way: he talked sixth century, and wrote nineteenth. His
journalistic style was climbing, steadily; it was already up to the
back-settlement Alabama mark, and couldn't be told from the editorial output of
that region either by matter or flavour.
    We had another large departure on hand, too. This was a telegraph and a
telephone; our first venture in this line. These wires were for private service
only, as yet, and must be kept private until a riper day should come. We had a
gang of men on the road, working mainly by night. They were stringing ground
wires; we were afraid to put up poles, for they would attract too much inquiry.
Ground wires were good enough, in both instances, for my wires were protected by
an insulation of my own invention which was perfect. My men had orders to strike
across country, avoiding roads, and establishing connection with any
considerable towns whose lights betrayed their presence, and leaving experts in
charge. Nobody could tell you how to find any place in the kingdom, for nobody
ever went intentionally to any place, but only struck it by accident in his
wanderings, and then generally left it without thinking to inquire what its name
was. At one time and another we had sent out topographical expeditions to survey
and map the kingdom, but the priests had always interfered and raised trouble.
So we had given the thing up, for the present; it would be poor wisdom to
antagonize the Church.
    As for the general condition of the country, it was as it had been when I
arrived in it, to all intents and purposes. I had made changes, but they were
necessarily slight, and they were not noticeable. Thus far, I had not even
meddled with taxation, outside of the taxes which provided the royal revenues. I
had systematized those, and put the service on an effective and righteous basis.
As a result, these revenues were already quadrupled, and yet the burden was so
much more equably distributed than before, that all the kingdom felt a sense of
relief, and the praises of my administration were hearty and general.
    Personally, I struck an interruption, now, but I did not mind it, it could
not have happened at a better time. Earlier it could have annoyed me, but now
everything was in good hands and swimming right along. The king had reminded me
several times, of late, that the postponement I had asked for four years before
had about run out, now. It was a hint that I ought to be starting out to seek
adventures and get up a reputation of a size to make me worthy of the honour of
breaking a lance with Sir Sagramour, who was still out grailing, but was being
hunted for by various relief expeditions, and might be found any year, now. So
you see I was expecting this interruption; it did not take me by surprise.
 

                                   Chapter 11

                       The Yankee in Search of Adventures

There never was such a country for wandering liars; and they were of both sexes.
Hardly a month went by without one of these tramps arriving; and generally
loaded with a tale about some princess or other wanting help to get her out of
some far-away castle where she was held in captivity by a lawless scoundrel,
usually a giant. Now you would think that the first thing the king would do
after listening to such a novelette from an entire stranger, would be to ask for
credentials - yes, and a pointer or two as to locality of castle, best route to
it, and so-on. But nobody ever thought of so simple and common-sense a thing as
that. No, everybody swallowed those people's lies whole, and never asked a
question of any sort or about anything. Well, one day when I was not around, one
of these people came along - it was a she one, this time - and told a tale of
the usual pattern. Her mistress was a captive in a vast and gloomy castle, along
with forty-four other young and beautiful girls, pretty much all of them
princesses; they had been languishing in that cruel captivity for twenty-six
years; the masters of the castle were three stupendous brothers, each with four
arms and one eye - the eye in the centre of the forehead, and as big as a fruit.
Sort of fruit not mentioned; their usual slovenliness in statistics.
    Would you believe it? - the king and the whole Round Table were in raptures
over this preposterous opportunity for adventure. Every knight of the Table
jumped for the chance, and begged for it; but to their vexation and chagrin the
king conferred it upon me, who had not asked for it at all.
    By an effort, I contained my joy when Clarence brought me the news. But he -
he could not contain his. His mouth gushed delight and gratitude in a steady
discharge - delight in my good fortune, gratitude to the king for this splendid
mark of his favour for me. He could keep neither his legs nor his body still, but
pirouetted about the place in an airy ecstasy of happiness.
    On my side, I could have cursed the kindness that conferred upon me this
benefaction, but I kept my vexation under the surface for policy's sake, and did
what I could to let on to be glad. Indeed, I said I was glad. And in a way, it
was true: I was as glad as a person is when he is scalped.
    Well, one must make the best of things, and not waste time with useless
fretting, but get down to business and see what can be done. In all lies there
is wheat among the chaff; I must get at the wheat in this case: so I sent for
the girl, and she came. She was a comely enough creature, and soft and modest,
but if signs went for anything, she didn't know as much as a lady's watch. I
said -
    »My dear, have you been questioned as to particulars?«
    She said she hadn't.
    »Well, I didn't expect you had, but I thought I would ask, to make sure;
it's the way I've been raised. Now you mustn't take it unkindly if I remind you
that as we don't know you, we must go a little slow. You may be all right, of
course, and we'll hope that you are; but to take it for granted isn't business.
You understand that. I'm obliged to ask you a few questions; just answer up fair
and square, and don't be afraid. Where do you live, when you are at home?«
    »In the land of Moder, fair sir.«
    »Land of Moder. I don't remember hearing of it before. Parents living?«
    »As to that, I know not if they be yet on live, sith it is many years that I
have lain shut up in the castle.«
    »Your name, please?«
    »I hight the Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise, an it please you.«
    »Do you know anybody here who can identify you?«
    »That were not likely, fair lord, I being come hither now for the first
time.«
    »Have you brought any letters - any documents - any proofs that you are
trustworthy and truthful?«
    »Of a surety, no; and wherefore should I? Have I not a tongue, and cannot I
say all that myself?«
    »But your saying it, you know, and somebody else's saying it, is different.«
    »Different? How might that be? I fear me I do not understand.«
    »Don't understand? Land of - why, you see - you see - why, great Scott,
can't you understand a little thing like that? Can't you understand that the
difference between your - why do you look so innocent and idiotic!«
    »I? In truth I know not, but an it were the will of God.«
    »Yes, yes, I reckon that's about the size of it. Don't mind my seeming
excited; I'm not. Let us change the subject. Now as to this castle, with
forty-five princesses in it, and three ogres at the head of it; tell me - where
is this harem?«
    »Harem?«
    »The castle, you understand; where is the castle?«
    »Oh, as to that, it is great, and strong, and well beseen, and lieth in a
far country. Yes, it is many leagues.«
    »How many?«
    »Ah, fair sir, it were woundily hard to tell, they are so many, and do so
lap the one upon the other, and being made all in the same image and tincted
with the same colour, one may not know the one league from its fellow, nor how to
count them except they be taken apart, and ye wit well it were God's work to do
that, being not within man's capacity; for ye will note -«
    »Hold on, hold on, never mind about the distance; whereabouts does the
castle lie? what's the direction from here?«
    »Ah, please you sir, it hath no direction from here; by reason that the road
lieth not straight, but turneth evermore; wherefore the direction of its place
abideth not, but is sometime under the one sky and anon under another, whereso
if ye be minded that it is in the east, and wend thitherward, ye shall observe
that the way of the road doth yet again turn upon itself by the space of half a
circle, and this marvel happing again and yet again and still again, it will
grieve you that you had thought by vanities of the mind to thwart and bring to
naught the will of Him that giveth not a castle a direction from a place except
it pleaseth Him, and if it please Him not, will the rather that even all castles
and all directions thereunto vanish out of the earth, leaving the places wherein
they tarried desolate and vacant, so warning His creatures that where He will He
will, and where He will not He -«
    »Oh, that's all right, that's all right, give us a rest; never mind about
the direction, hang the direction - I beg pardon, I beg a thousand pardons, I am
not well to-day; pay no attention when I soliloquize, it is an old habit, an
old, bad habit, and hard to get rid of when one's digestion is all disordered
with eating food that was raised forever-and-ever before he was born; good land!
a man can't keep his functions regular on spring chickens thirteen hundred years
old. But come - never mind about that; let's - have you got such a thing as a
map of that region about you? Now a good map -«
    »Is it peradventure that manner of thing which of late the unbelievers have
brought from over the great seas, which, being boiled in oil, and an onion and
salt added thereto, doth -«
    »What, a map? What are you talking about? Don't you know what a map is?
There, there, never mind, don't explain, I hate explanations; they fog a thing
up so that you can't tell anything about it. Run along, dear; good-day; show her
the way, Clarence.«
    Oh, well, it was reasonably plain, now, why these donkeys didn't prospect
these liars for details. It may be that this girl had a fact in her somewhere,
but I don't believe you could have sluiced it out with a hydraulic; nor got it
with the earlier forms of blasting, even; it was a case for dynamite. Why, she
was a perfect ass; and yet the king and his knights had listened to her as if
she had been a leaf out of the gospel. It kind of sizes up the whole party. And
think of the simple ways of this court: this wandering wench hadn't had any more
trouble to get access to the king in his palace than she would have had to get
into the poor-house in my day and country. In fact he was glad to see her, glad
to hear her tale; with that adventure of hers to offer, she was as welcome as a
corpse is to a coroner.
    Just as I was ending-up these reflections, Clarence came back. I remarked
upon the barren result of my efforts with the girl; hadn't got hold of a single
point that could help me to find the castle. The youth looked a little
surprised, or puzzled, or something, and intimated that he had been wondering to
himself what I had wanted to ask the girl all those questions for.
    »Why, great guns,« I said, »don't I want to find the castle? And how else
would I go about it?«
    »La, sweet your worship, one may lightly answer that, I ween. She will go
with thee. They always do. She will ride with thee.«
    »Ride with me? Nonsense!«
    »But of a truth she will. She will ride with thee. Thou shalt see.«
    »What? She browse around the hills and scour the woods with me - alone - and
I as good as engaged to be married? Why, it's scandalous. Think how it would
look.«
    My, the dear face that rose before me! The boy was eager to know all about
this tender matter. I swore him to secrecy, and then whispered her name - Puss
Flanagan. He looked disappointed, and said he didn't remember the countess. How
natural it was for the little courtier to give her a rank. He asked me where she
lived.
    »In East Har -« I came to myself and stopped, a little confused; then I
said, »Never mind now; I'll tell you some time.«
    And might he see her? would I let him see her some day?
    It was but a little thing to promise - thirteen hundred years or so - and he
so eager; so I said yes. But I sighed; I couldn't help it. And yet there was no
sense in sighing, for she wasn't't born yet. But that is the way we are made: we
don't reason, where we feel; we just feel.
    My expedition was all the talk, that day and that night, and the boys were
very good to me, and made much of me, and seemed to have forgotten their
vexation and disappointment, and come to be as anxious for me to hive those
ogres and set those ripe old virgins loose as if it was themselves that had the
contract. Well, they were good children - but just children, that is all. And
they gave me no end of points about how to scout for giants, and how to scoop
them in; and they told me all sorts of charms against enchantments, and gave me
salves and other rubbish to put on my wounds. But it never occurred to one of
them to reflect that if I was such a wonderful necromancer as I was pretending
to be, I ought not to need salves, or instructions, or charms against
enchantments, and least of all, arms and armour, on a foray of any kind - even
against fire-spouting dragons, and devils hot from perdition - let alone such
poor adversaries as these I was after, these commonplace ogres of the back
settlements.
    I was to have an early breakfast, and start at dawn, for that was the usual
way; but I had the demon's own time with my armour, and this delayed me a little.
It is troublesome to get into, and there is so much detail. First you wrap a
layer or two of blanket around your body, for a sort of cushion and to keep off
the cold iron; then you put on your sleeves and shirt of chain-mail - these are
made of small steel links woven together, and they form a fabric so flexible
that if you toss your shirt onto the floor, it slumps into a pile like a peck of
wet fish-net; it is very heavy, and is nearly the uncomfortablest material in
the world for a night- yet plenty used it for that - tax collectors, and
reformers, and one-horse kings with a defective title, and those sorts of
people; then you put on your shoes - flat-boats roofed over with interleaving
bands of steel - and screw your clumsy spurs into the heels. Next you buckle
your greaves on your legs, and your cuisses on your thighs; then come your back
plate and your breastplate, and you begin to feel crowded; then you hitch on to
the breastplate the half-petticoat of broad overlapping bands of steel which
hangs down in front but is scolloped out behind so you can sit down, and isn't
any real improvement on an inverted coal scuttle, either for looks, or for wear,
or to wipe your hands on; next you belt-on your sword; then you put your
stove-pipe joints onto your arms, your iron gauntlets onto your hands, your iron
rat-trap onto your head, with a rag of steel web hitched to it to hang over the
back of your neck - and there you are, snug as a candle in a candle-mould. This
is no time to dance. Well, a man that is packed away like that, is a nut that
isn't worth the cracking, there is so little of the meat, when you get down to
it, by comparison with the shell.
    The boys helped me, or I never could have got in. Just as we finished, Sir
Bedivere happened in, and I saw that as like as not I hadn't chosen the most
convenient outfit for a long trip. How stately he looked; and tall and broad and
grand. He had on his head a conical steel casque that only came down to his
ears, and for visor had only a narrow steel bar that extended down to his upper
lip and protected his nose; and all the rest of him, from neck to heel, was
flexible chain-mail, trousers and all. But pretty much all of him was hidden
under his outside garment, which of course was of chain-mail, as I said, and
hung straight from his shoulders to his ankles; and from his middle to the
bottom, both before and behind, was divided, so that he could ride, and let the
skirts hang down on each side. He was going grailing, and it was just the outfit
for it, too. I would have given a good deal for that ulster, but it was too late
now to be fooling around. The sun was just up, the king and the court were all
on hand to see me off and wish me luck; so it wouldn't be etiquette for me to
tarry. You don't get on your horse yourself; no, if you tried it you would get
disappointed. They carry you out, just as they carry a sun-struck man to the
drug-store, and put you on, and help get you to rights, and fix your feet in the
stirrups; and all the while you do feel so strange, and stuffy, and like
somebody else - like somebody that has been married on a sudden, or struck by
lightning, or something like that, and hasn't quite fetched around, yet, and is
sort of numb, and can't just get his bearings. Then they stood up the mast they
call a spear, in its socket by my left foot, and I gripped it with my hand;
lastly they hung my shield around my neck, and I was all complete and ready to
up anchor and get to sea. Everybody was as good to me as they could be, and a
maid of honour gave me the stirrup-cup her own self. There was nothing more to
do, now, but for that damsel to get up behind me on a pillion, which she did,
and put an arm or so around me to hold on.
    And so we started; and everybody gave us a good-bye and waved their
handkerchiefs or helmets. And everybody we met, going down the hill and through
the village was respectful to us, except some shabby little boys on the
outskirts. They said -
    »Oh, what a guy!« and hove clods at us.
    In my experience boys are the same in all ages. They don't respect anything,
they don't care for anything or anybody. They say »Go up, baldhead,« to the
prophet, going his unoffending way in the gray of antiquity; they sass me in the
holy gloom of the Middle Ages; and I had seen them act the same way in
Buchanan's administration; I remember, because I was there and helped. The
prophet had his bears, and settled with his boys; and I wanted to get down and
settle with mine, but it wouldn't answer, because I couldn't have got up again.
I hate a country without a derrick.
 

                                   Chapter 12

                                  Slow Torture

Straight off, we were in the country. It was most lovely and pleasant in those
sylvan solitudes in the early cool morning in the first freshness of autumn.
From hill-tops we saw fair green valleys lying spread out below, with streams
winding through them, and island-groves of trees here and there, and huge lonely
oaks scattered about and casting black blots of shade; and beyond the valleys we
saw the ranges of hills, blue with haze, stretching away in billowy perspective
to the horizon, with at wide intervals a dim neck of white or gray on a
wave-summit, which we knew was a castle. We crossed broad natural lawns
sparkling with dew, and we moved like spirits, the cushioned turf giving out no
sound of footfall; we dreamed along through glades in a mist of green light that
got its tint from the sun-drenched roof of leaves overhead, and by our feet the
clearest and coldest of runlets went frisking and gossiping over its reefs and
making a sort of whispery music comfortable to hear; and at times we left the
world behind and entered into the solemn great deeps and rich gloom of the
forest, where furtive wild things whisked and skurried by and were gone before
you could even get your eye on the place where the noise was; and where only the
earliest birds were turning out and getting to business with a song here and a
quarrel yonder and a mysterious far-off hammering and drumming for worms on a
tree-trunk away somewhere in the impenetrable remotenesses of the woods. And by
and by out we would swing again, into the glare.
    About the third or fourth or fifth time that we swung out into the glare -
it was along there somewhere, a couple of hours or so after sun-up, - it wasn't't
as pleasant as it had been. It was beginning to get hot. This was quite
noticeable. We had a very long pull, after that, without any shade. Now it is
curious how progressively little frets grow and multiply after they once get a
start. Things which I didn't mind at all, at first, I began to mind now - and
more and more, too, all the time. The first ten or fifteen times I wanted my
handkerchief I didn't seem to care; I got along, and said never mind, it isn't
any matter, and dropped it out of my mind. But now it was different; I wanted it
all the time; it was nag, nag, nag, right along, and no rest; I couldn't get it
out of my mind; and so at last I lost my temper and said hang a man that would
make a suit of armour without any pockets in it. You see, I had my handkerchief
in my helmet; and some other things; but it was that kind of a helmet that you
can't take off by yourself. That hadn't occurred to me when I put it there; and
in fact I didn't know it. I supposed it would be particularly convenient there.
And so now, the thought of its being there, so handy and close by, and yet not
get-atable, made it all the worse and the harder to bear. Yes, the thing that
you can't get is the thing that you want, mainly; every one has noticed that.
Well, it took my mind off from everything else; took it clear off, and centred
it in my helmet; and mile after mile, there it stayed, imagining the
handkerchief, picturing the handkerchief; and it was bitter and aggravating to
have the salt sweat keep trickling down into my eyes, and I couldn't get at it.
It seems like a little thing, on paper, but it was not a little thing at all; it
was the most real kind of misery. I would not say it if it was not so. I made up
my mind that I would carry along a reticule, next time, let it look how it
might, and people say what they would. Of course these iron dudes of the Round
Table would think it was scandalous, and maybe raise Sheol about it, but as for
me, give me comfort first, and style afterwards. So we jogged along, and jogged
along, and now and then we struck a stretch of dust, and it would tumble up in
clouds and get into my nose and make me sneeze and cry; and of course I said
things I oughtn't to have said, I don't deny that. I am not better than others.
We couldn't seem to meet anybody in this lonesome Britain, not even an ogre; and
in the mood I was in then, it was well for the ogre; that is, an ogre with a
handkerchief. Most knights would have thought of nothing but getting his armour;
but so I got his bandanna, he could keep his hardware, for all me.
    Meantime it was getting hotter and hotter in there. You see the sun was
beating down and warming up the iron more and more all the time. Well, when you
are hot, that way, every little thing irritates you. When I trotted, I rattled
like a crate of dishes, and that annoyed me; and moreover I couldn't seem to
stand that shield slatting and banging, now about my breast, now around my back;
and if I dropped into a walk my joints creaked and screeched in that wearisome
way that a wheelbarrow does, and as we didn't create any breeze at that gait, I
was like to get fried in that stove; and besides, the quieter you went the
heavier the iron settled down on you and the more and more tons you seemed to
weigh every minute. And you had to be always changing hands, and passing your
spear over to the other foot, it got so irksome for one hand to hold it long at
a time.
    Well, you know, when you perspire that way, in rivers, there comes a time
when you - when you - well, when you itch. You are inside, your hands are
outside; so there you are; nothing but iron between. It is not a light thing,
let it sound as it may. First it is one place; then another; then another and
another and another; then some more; and it goes on spreading and spreading, and
at last the territory is all occupied, and nobody can imagine what you feel
like, nor how unpleasant it is. And when it had got to the worst, and it seemed
to me that I could not stand anything more, a fly got in through the bars and
settled on my nose, and the bars were stuck, and wouldn't work, and I couldn't
get the visor up; I could only shake my head, which was baking hot by this time,
and the fly - well, you know how a fly acts when he has got a certainty - he
only minded the shaking enough to change from nose to lip, and lip to ear, and
buzz and buzz all around in there, and keep on lighting and biting, in a way
that a person already so distressed as I was, simply could not stand. So I gave
in, and got Alisande to unship the helmet and relieve me of it. Then she emptied
the conveniences out of it and fetched it full of water, and I drank and then
stood up and she poured the rest down inside the armour. One cannot think how
refreshing it was. She continued to fetch and pour until I was well soaked, and
thoroughly comfortable.
    It was good to have a rest - and peace. But nothing is quite perfect in this
life, at any time. I had made a pipe a while back, and also some pretty fair
tobacco; not the real thing, but what some of the Indians use: the inside bark
of the willow, dried. These comforts had been in the helmet, and now I had them
again, but no matches.
    Gradually, as the time wore along, one annoying fact was borne in upon my
understanding - that we were weather-bound. An armed novice cannot mount his
horse without help, and plenty of it. Sandy was not enough; not enough for me,
anyway. We had to wait until somebody should come along. Waiting, in silence,
would have been agreeable enough, for I was full of matter for reflection, and
wanted to give it a chance to work. I wanted to try and think out how it was
that rational or even half-rational men could ever have learned to wear armour,
considering its inconveniences; and how they had managed to keep up such a
fashion for generations when it was plain that what I had suffered to-day they
had had to suffer all the days of their lives. I wanted to think that out; and
moreover I wanted to think out some way to reform this evil and persuade the
people to let the foolish fashion die out; but thinking was out of the question
in the circumstances. You couldn't think, where Sandy was. She was a quite
biddable creature and good-hearted, but she had a flow of talk that was as
steady as a mill, and made your head sore like the drays and wagons in a city.
If she had had a cork she would have been a comfort. But you can't cork that
kind; they would die. Her clack was going all day, and you would think something
would surely happen to her works, by and by; but no, they never got out of
order, and she never had to slack up for words; she could grind, and pump, and
churn and buzz by the week, and never stop to oil up or blow out. And yet the
result was just nothing but wind. She never had any ideas, any more than a fog
has. She was a perfect blatherskite; I mean for jaw, jaw, jaw, talk, talk, talk,
jabber, jabber, jabber; but just as good as she could be. I hadn't minded her
mill that morning, on account of having that hornet's nest of other troubles;
but more than once in the afternoon I had to say -
    »Take a rest, child; the way you are using up all the domestic air, the
kingdom will have to go to importing it by to-morrow, and it's a low enough
treasury without that.«
 

                                   Chapter 13

                                    Freemen!

Yes, it is strange how little a while at a time a person can be contented. Only
a little while back, when I was riding and suffering, what a heaven this peace,
this rest, this sweet serenity in this secluded shady nook, by this purling
stream, would have seemed, where I could keep perfectly comfortable all the time
by pouring a dipper of water into my armour now and then; yet already I was
getting dissatisfied; partly because I could not light my pipe, - for although I
had long ago started a match factory, I had forgotten to bring matches with me -
and partly because we had nothing to eat. Here was another illustration of the
childlike improvidence of this age and people. A man in armour always trusted to
chance for his food on a journey, and would have been scandalized at the idea of
hanging a basket of sandwiches on his spear. There was probably not a knight of
all the Round Table combination who would not rather have died than been caught
carrying such a thing as that on his flagstaff. And yet there could not be
anything more sensible. It had been my intention to smuggle a couple of
sandwiches into my helmet, but I was interrupted in the act, and had to make an
excuse and lay them aside, and a dog got them.
    Night approached, and with it a storm. The darkness came on fast. We must
camp, of course. I found a good shelter for the demoiselle under a rock, and
went off and found another for myself. But I was obliged to remain in my armour,
because I could not get it off by myself and yet could not allow Alisande to
help, because it would have seemed so like undressing before folk. It would not
have amounted to that, in reality, because I had clothes on, underneath; but the
prejudices of one's breeding are not gotten rid of just at a jump, and I knew
that when it came to stripping off that bob-tailed iron petticoat I should be
embarrassed.
    With the storm came a change of weather; and the stronger the wind blew, and
the wilder the rain lashed around, the colder and colder it got. Pretty soon,
various kinds of bugs and ants and worms and things began to flock in out of the
wet and crawl down inside my armour to get warm; and while some of them behaved
well enough, and snuggled up amongst my clothes and got quiet, the majority were
of a restless, uncomfortable sort, and never stayed still, but went on prowling
and hunting for they did not know what; especially the ants, which went tickling
along in wearisome procession from one end of me to the other by the hour, and
are a kind of creatures which I never wish to sleep with again. It would be my
advice to persons situated in this way, to not roll and thrash around, because
this excites the interest of all the different sorts of animals and makes every
last one of them want to turn out and see what is going on, and this makes
things worse than they were before, and of course makes you objurgate harder,
too; if you can. Still, if one did not roll and thrash around he would die; so
perhaps it is as well to do one way as the other, there is no real choice. Even
after I was frozen solid I could still distinguish that tickling; just as a
corpse does when he is taking electric treatment. I said I would never wear
armour after this trip.
    All those trying hours whilst I was frozen and yet was in a living fire, as
you may say, on account of that swarm of crawlers, that same unanswerable
question kept circling and circling through my tired head: how do people stand
this miserable armour? how have they managed to stand it all these generations?
how can they sleep at night for dreading the tortures of next day?
    When the morning came at last, I was in a bad enough plight: seedy, drowsy,
fagged, from want of sleep; weary, from thrashing around; famished, from long
fasting; pining for a bath, and to get rid of the animals; and crippled with
rheumatism. And how had it fared with the nobly born, the titled aristocrat, the
Demoiselle Alisande la Carteloise? Why, she was as fresh as a squirrel; she had
slept like the dead; and as for a bath, probably neither she nor any other noble
in the land had ever had one, and so she was not missing it. Measured by modern
standards, they were merely modified savages, those people. This noble lady
showed no impatience to get to breakfast - and that smacks of the savage, too.
On their journeys those Britons were used to long fasts, and knew how to bear
them; and also how to freight-up against probable fasts before starting, after
the style of the Indian and the anaconda. As like as not, Sandy was loaded for a
three-day stretch.
    We were off before sunrise, Sandy riding and I limping along behind. In half
an hour we came upon a group of ragged poor creatures who had assembled to mend
the thing which was regarded as a road. They were as humble as animals to me;
and when I proposed to breakfast with them, they were so flattered, so
overwhelmed by this extraordinary condescension of mine that at first they were
not able to believe that I was in earnest. My lady put up her scornful lip and
withdrew to one side; she said in their hearing that she would as soon think of
eating with the other cattle - a remark which embarrassed these poor devils
merely because it referred to them, and not because it insulted or offended
them, for it didn't. And yet they were not slaves, not chattels. By a sarcasm of
law and phrase, they were freemen. Seven-tenths of the free population of the
country were of just their class and degree: small independent farmers,
artisans, etc.; which is to say, they were the nation, the actual Nation; they
were about all of it that was useful, or worth saving, or really respect-worthy;
and to subtract them would have been to subtract the Nation and leave behind
some dregs, some refuse, in the shape of a king, nobility, and gentry, idle,
unproductive, acquainted mainly with the arts of wasting and destroying, and of
no sort of use or value in any rationally constructed world. And yet, by
ingenious contrivance this gilded minority, instead of being in the tail of the
procession where it belonged, was marching, head up and banners flying, at the
other end of it; had elected itself to be the Nation, and these innumerable
clams had permitted it so long that they had come at last to accept it as a
truth; and not only that, but to believe it right and as it should be. The
priests had told their fathers and themselves that this ironical state of things
was ordained of God; and so, not reflecting upon how unlike God it would be to
amuse himself with sarcasms, and especially such poor transparent ones as this,
they had dropped the matter there and become respectfully quiet.
    The talk of these meek people had a strange enough sound in a formerly
American ear. They were freemen, but they could not leave the estates of their
lord or their bishop without his permission; they could not prepare their own
bread, but must have their corn ground and their bread baked at his mill and his
bakery, and pay roundly for the same; they could not sell a piece of their own
property without paying him a handsome per centage of the proceeds, nor buy a
piece of somebody else's without remembering him in cash for the privilege; they
had to harvest his grain for him gratis, and be ready to come at a moment's
notice, leaving their own crop to destruction by the threatened storm; they had
to let him plant fruit trees in their fields, and then keep their indignation to
themselves when his heedless fruit-gatherers trampled the grain around the
trees; they had to smother their anger when his hunting parties galloped through
their fields, laying waste the result of their patient toil; they were not
allowed to keep doves themselves, and when the swarms from my lord's dovecote
settled on their crops, they must not lose their temper and kill a bird, for
awful would the penalty be; when the harvest was at last gathered, then came the
procession of robbers to levy their blackmail upon it; first the Church carted
off its fat tenth, then the king's commissioner took his twentieth, then my
lord's people made a mighty inroad upon the remainder; after which, the skinned
freeman had liberty to bestow the remnant in his barn, in case it was worth the
trouble; there were taxes, and taxes, and taxes, and more taxes, and taxes
again, and yet other taxes - upon this free and independent pauper, but none
upon his lord the baron or the bishop, none upon the wasteful nobility or the
all-devouring Church; if the baron would sleep unvexed, the freeman must sit up
all night after his day's work and whip the ponds to keep the frogs quiet; if
the freeman's daughter - but no, that last infamy of monarchical government is
unprintable; and finally, if the freeman, grown desperate with his tortures,
found his life unendurable under such conditions, and sacrificed it and fled to
death for mercy and refuge, the gentle Church condemned him to eternal fire, the
gentle law buried him at midnight at the cross-roads with a stake through his
back, and his master the baron or the bishop confiscated all his property and
turned his widow and his orphans out of doors.
    And here were these freemen assembled in the early morning to work on their
lord the bishop's road three days each - gratis; every head of a family, and
every son of a family, three days each, gratis, and a day or so added for their
servants. Why, it was like reading about France and the French, before the
ever-memorable and blessed Revolution, which swept a thousand years of such
villainy away in one swift tidal wave of blood - one: a settlement of that hoary
debt in the proportion of half a drop of blood for each hogshead of it that had
been pressed by slow tortures out of that people in the weary stretch of ten
centuries of wrong and shame and misery, the like of which was not to be mated
but in hell. There were two Reigns of Terror, if we would but remember it and
consider it: the one wrought murder in hot passion, the other in heartless cold
blood; the one lasted mere months, the other had lasted a thousand years; the
one inflicted death upon ten thousand persons, the other upon a hundred
millions; but our shudders are all for the horrors of the minor Terror, the
momentary Terror, so to speak; whereas, what is the horror of swift death by the
axe, compared with life-long death from hunger, cold, insult, cruelty and
heart-break? what is swift death by lightning, compared with death by slow fire
at the stake? A city cemetery could contain the coffins filled by that brief
Terror which we have all been so diligently taught to shiver at and mourn over;
but all France could hardly contain the coffins filled by that older and real
Terror - that unspeakably bitter and awful Terror which none of us has been
taught to see in its vastness or pity as it deserves.
    These poor ostensible freemen who were sharing their breakfast and their
talk with me were as full of humble reverence for their king and Church and
nobility as their worst enemy could desire. There was something pitifully
ludicrous about it. I asked them if they supposed a nation of people ever
existed, who, with a free vote in every man's hand, would elect that a single
family and its descendants should reign over it forever, whether gifted or
boobies, to the exclusion of all other families - including the voter's; and
would also elect that a certain hundred families should be raised to dizzy
summits of rank, and clothed-on with offensive transmissible glories and
privileges, to the exclusion of the rest of the nation's families - including
his own.
    They all looked unhit; and said they didn't know; that they had never
thought about it before, and it hadn't ever occurred to them that a nation could
be so situated that every man could have a say in the government. I said I had
seen one - and that it would last until it had an Established Church. Again they
were all unhit - at first. But presently one man looked up and asked me to state
that proposition again; and state it slowly, so it could soak into his
understanding. I did it; and after a little he had the idea, and he brought his
fist down and said he didn't believe a nation where every man had a vote would
voluntarily get down in the mud and dirt in any such way; and that to steal from
a nation its will and preference must be a crime, and the first of all crimes.
    I said to myself:
    »This one's a man. If I were backed by enough of his sort, I would make a
strike for the welfare of this country, and try to prove myself its loyalest
citizen by making a wholesome change in its system of government.«
    You see, my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its
institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real thing, the
substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care
for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing,
and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to
protect the body from winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to shout
for rags, to worship rags, to die for rags - that is a loyalty of unreason, it
is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented by monarchy; let monarchy
keep it. I was from Connecticut, whose Constitution declares »that all political
power is inherent in the people, and all free governments are founded on their
authority and instituted for their benefit; and that they have at all times an
undeniable and indefeasible right to alter their form of government in such
manner as they may think expedient.«
    Under that gospel, the citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's
political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for
a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor. That he may be the only one who thinks
he sees this decay, does not excuse him: it is his duty to agitate anyway, and
it is the duty of the others to vote him down if they do not see the matter as
he does.
    And now here I was, in a country where the right to say how the country
should be governed was restricted to six persons in each thousand of its
population. For the nine hundred and ninety-four to express dissatisfaction with
the regnant system and propose to change it, would have made the whole six
shudder as one man, it would have been so disloyal, so dishonourable, such putrid
black treason. So to speak, I was become a stockholder in a corporation where
nine hundred and ninety-four of the members furnished all the money and did all
the work, and the other six elected themselves a permanent board of direction
and took all the dividends. It seemed to me that what the nine hundred and
ninety-four dupes needed was a new deal. The thing that would have best suited
the circus-side of my nature would have been to resign the Boss-ship and get up
an insurrection and turn it into a revolution; but I knew that the Jack Cade or
the Wat Tyler who tries such a thing without first educating his materials up to
revolution- is almost absolutely certain to get left. I had never been
accustomed to getting left; even if I do say it myself. Wherefore, the deal
which had been for some time working into shape in my mind was of a quite
different pattern from the Cade-Tyler sort.
    So I did not talk blood and insurrection to that man there who sat munching
black bread with that abused and mistaught herd of human sheep, but took him
aside and talked matter of another sort to him. After I had finished, I got him
to lend me a little ink from his veins; and with this and a sliver I wrote on a
piece of bark -
                          Put him in the Man-Factory -
and gave it to him, and said -
    »Take it to the palace at Camelot and give it into the hands of Amyas le
Poulet, whom I call Clarence, and he will understand.«
    »He is a priest, then,« said the man, and some of the enthusiasm went out of
his face.
    »How - a priest? Didn't I tell you that no chattel of the Church, no
bond-slave of pope or bishop can enter my Man-Factory? Didn't I tell you that
you couldn't enter unless your religion, whatever it might be, was your own free
property?«
    »Marry it is so, and for that was I glad; wherefore it liked me not, and
bred in me a cold doubt, to hear of this priest being there.«
    »But he isn't a priest, I tell you.«
    The man looked far from satisfied. He said:
    »He is not a priest, and yet can read?«
    »He is not a priest, and yet can read - yes, and write, too, for that
matter. I taught him myself.« The man's face cleared. »And it is the first thing
that you yourself will be taught in that Factory -«
    »I? I would give blood out of my heart to know that art. Why, I will be your
slave, your -«
    »No you won't; you won't be anybody's slave. Take your family and go along.
Your lord the bishop will confiscate your small property, but no matter,
Clarence will fix you all right.«
 

                                   Chapter 14

                              »Defend Thee, Lord!«

I paid three pennies for my breakfast, and a most extravagant price it was, too,
seeing that one could have breakfasted a dozen persons for that money; but I was
feeling good, by this time, and I had always been a kind of spendthrift anyway;
and then these people had wanted to give me the food for nothing, scant as their
provision was, and so it was a grateful pleasure to emphasize my appreciation
and sincere thankfulness with a good big financial lift where the money would do
so much more good than it would in my helmet, where, these pennies being made of
iron, and not stinted in weight, my half dollar's worth was a good deal of a
burden to me. I spent money rather too freely, in those days, it is true; but
one reason for it was that I hadn't got the proportions of things entirely
adjusted, even yet, after so long a sojourn in Britain - hadn't got along to
where I was able to absolutely realize that a penny in Arthur's land and a
couple of dollars in Connecticut were about one and the same thing: just twins,
as you may say, in purchasing power. If my start from Camelot could have been
delayed a very few days I could have paid these people in beautiful new coins
from our own mint, and that would have pleased me; and them, too, not less. I
had adopted the American values exclusively. In a week or two, now, cents,
nickels, dimes, quarters and half dollars, and also a trifle of gold, would be
trickling in thin but steady streams all through the commercial veins of the
kingdom, and I looked to see this new blood freshen up its life.
    The farmers were bound to throw in something, to sort of offset my
liberality, whether I would or no; so I let them give me a flint and steel; and
as soon as they had comfortably bestowed Sandy and me on our horse, I lit my
pipe. When the first blast of smoke shot out through the bars of my helmet, all
those people broke for the woods, and Sandy went over backwards and struck the
ground with a dull thud. They thought I was one of those fire-belching dragons
they had heard so much about from knights and other professional liars. I had
infinite trouble to persuade those people to venture back within explaining
distance. Then I told them that this was only a bit of enchantment which would
work harm to none but my enemies. And I promised, with my hand on my heart, that
if all who felt no enmity toward me would come forward and pass before me, they
should see that only those who remained behind would be struck dead. The
procession moved, with a good deal of promptness. There were no casualties to
report, for nobody had curiosity enough to remain behind to see what would
happen.
    I lost some time, now, for these big children, their fears gone, became so
ravished with wonder over my awe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay there
and smoke a couple of pipes out before they would let me go. Still, the delay
was not wholly unproductive, for it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly
wonted to the new thing, she being so close to it, you know. It plugged up her
conversation-mill, too, for a considerable while, and that was a gain. But above
all other benefits accruing, I had learned something. I was ready for any giant
or any ogre that might come along, now.
    We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my opportunity came about the
middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way of
short-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing nothing, seeing nothing, when
Sandy suddenly interrupted a remark which she had begun that morning, with the
cry -
    »Defend thee, lord! - peril of life is toward!«
    And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little way and stood. I looked
up and saw, far off in the shade of a tree, half a dozen armed knights and their
squires; and straightway there was bustle among them and tightening of
saddle-girths for the mount. My pipe was ready, and would have been lit, if I
had not been lost in thinkings about how to banish oppression from this land and
restore to all its people their stolen rights and manhood without disobliging
anybody. I lit up at once; and by the time I had got a good head of reserved
steam on, here they came. All together, too; none of those chivalrous
magnanimities which one reads so much about - one courtly rascal at a time, and
the rest standing by to see fair play. No, they came in a body, they came with a
whirr and a rush, they came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low
down, plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced at a level. It was a handsome
sight, a beautiful sight - for a man up a tree. I laid my lance in rest and
waited, with my heart beating, till the iron wave was just ready to break over
me, then spouted a column of white smoke through the bars of my helmet. You
should have seen the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was a finer sight than
the other one.
    But these people stopped, two or three hundred yards away, and this troubled
me. My satisfaction collapsed, and fear came; I judged I was a lost man. But
Sandy was radiant; and was going to be eloquent, but I stopped her, and told her
my magic had miscarried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with all
dispatch, and we must ride for life. No, she wouldn't. She said that my
enchantment had disabled those knights; they were not riding on because they
couldn't; wait, they would drop out of their saddles presently, and we would get
their horses and harness. I could not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I
said it was a mistake; that when my fireworks killed at all, they killed
instantly; no, the men would not die, there was something wrong about my
apparatus, I couldn't tell what; but we must hurry and get away, for those
people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy laughed, and said -
    »Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir Launcelot will give battle
to dragons, and will abide by them, and will assail them again, and yet again
and still again, until he do conquer and destroy them; and so likewise will Sir
Pellinore, and Sir Aglovale, and Sir Carados, and mayhap others; but there be
none else that will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will. And, la, as
to yonder base rufflers, think ye they have not their fill, but yet desire
more?«
    »Well, then, what are they waiting, for? Why don't they leave? Nobody's
hindering. Good land, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, I'm sure.«
    »Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that. They dream not of it,
no, not they. They wait to yield them.«
    »Come - really, is that sooth - as you people say? If they want to, why
don't they?«
    »It would like them much; but an ye wot how dragons are esteemed, ye would
not hold them blameable. They fear to come.«
    »Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and -«
    »Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming. I will go.«
    And she did. She was a handy person to have along on a raid. I would have
considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights riding
away, and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. I judged she had somehow failed
to get the first innings - I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interview
wouldn't have been so short. But it turned out that she had managed the business
well; in fact admirably. She said that when she told those people I was The
Boss, it hit them where they lived: smote them sore with fear and dread was her
word; and then they were ready to put up with anything she might require. So she
swore them to appear at Arthur's court within two days, and yield them, with
horse and harness, and be my knights thenceforth, and subject to my command. How
much better she managed that thing than I should have done it myself! She was a
daisy.
 

                                   Chapter 15

                                  Sandy's Tale

»And so I'm proprietor of some knights,« said I, as we rode off. »Who would ever
have supposed that I should live to list-up assets of that sort. I shan't know
what to do with them; unless I raffle them off. How many of them are there,
Sandy?«
    »Seven, please you sir, and their squires.«
    »It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do they hang out?«
    »Where hang they out?«
    »Yes; where do they live?«
    »Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell thee eftsoons.« Then she said
musingly, and softly, turning the words daintily over her tongue: »Hang they out
- hang they out - where hang - where do they hang out; ah, right so: where do
they hang out. Of a truth the phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and is
prettily worded withal. I will repeat it anon and anon in mine idlesse, whereby
I may peradventure learn it. Where do they hang out. Even so! already it falleth
trippingly from my tongue; and forasmuch as -«
    »Don't forget the cow-boys, Sandy.«
    »Cow-boys?«
    »Yes; the knights, you know. You were going to tell me about them. A while
back, you remember. Figuratively speaking, game's called.«
    »Game -«
    »Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to work on your statistics, and
don't burn so much kindling getting your fire started. Tell me about the
knights.«
    »I will well; and lightly will begin. So they two departed and rode into a
great forest. And -«
    »Great Scott!«
    You see, I recognized my mistake, at once. I had set her works agoing; it
was my own fault; she would be thirty days getting down to those facts. And she
generally began without a preface, and finished without a result. If you
interrupted her, she would either go right along without noticing, or answer
with a couple of words, or go back and say the sentence over again. So,
interruptions only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty
frequently, too, in order to save my life; a person would die if he let her
monotony drip on him right along all day.
    »Great Scott!« I said, in my distress. She went right back and began over
again:
    »So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And -«
    »Which two?«
    »Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came to an abbey of monks, and
there were well lodged. So on the morn they heard their masses in the abbey, and
so they rode forth till they came to a great forest; then was Sir Gawaine ware
in a valley by a turret, of twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great
horses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree. And then was Sir Gawaine ware
how there hung a white shield on that tree, and ever as the damsels came by it
they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon the shield -«
    »Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, I wouldn't
believe it. But I've seen it, and I can just see those creatures, now, parading
before that shield and acting like that. The women here do certainly act like
all possessed. Yes, and I mean your best, too, society's very choicest brands.
The humblest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire could teach gentleness,
patience, modesty, manners, to the highest duchess in Arthur's land.«
    »Hello-girl?«
    »Yes, but don't you ask me to explain; it's a new kind of girl; they don't
have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when they are not the least in
fault, and he can't get over feeling sorry for it and ashamed of himself in
thirteen hundred years, it's such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; fact
is, no gentleman ever does it - though I - well, I myself, if I've got to
confess -«
    »Peradventure she -«
    »Never mind her, never mind her; I tell you I couldn't ever explain her so
you would understand.«
    »Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine went
and saluted them, and asked them why they did that despite to the shield. Sirs,
said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a knight in this country that
owneth this white shield, and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he
hateth all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this despite to the
shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil a good knight to
despise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you he hath
some cause, and peradventure he loveth in some other places ladies and
gentlewomen, and to be loved again, and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak
of -«
    »Man of prowess - yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy. Man of brains
- that is a thing they never think of. Tom Sayers - John Heenan - John L.
Sullivan - pity but you could be here. You would have your legs under the Round
Table and a Sir in front of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you
could bring about a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses of
the court in another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort of polished-up
court of Comanches, and there isn't a squaw in it who doesn't't stand ready at the
droping of a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string of scalps at his
belt.«
    »- and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir Gawaine. Now
what is his name? Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus, the king's son of
Ireland, -«
    »Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn't't mean anything.
And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump this gully. ... There, we are
all right, now. This horse belongs in the circus; he is born before his time.«
    »I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as any is on
live, -«
    »On live. If you've got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that you are a
shade too archaic. But it isn't any matter.«
    - »for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were gathered,
and that time there might no man withstand him. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, damsels,
methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he that hung that shield there
he will not be long therefrom, and then may those knights match him on
horseback, and that is more your worship than thus; for I will abide no longer
to see a knight's shield dishonoured. And therewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine
departed a little from them, and then were they ware where Sir Marhaus came
riding on a great horse straight towards them. And when the twelve damsels saw
Sir Marhaus they fled into the turret as they were wild, so that some of them
fell by the way. Then the one of the knights of the tower dressed his shield,
and said on high, Sir Marhaus, defend thee. And so they ran together that the
knight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote him so hard that he
brake his neck and the horse's back -«
    »Well, that is just the trouble about this state of things, it ruins so many
horses.«
    »That saw the other knight of the turret, and dressed him toward Marhaus,
and they met so eagerly together that the knight of the turret was soon smitten
down, horse and man, stark dead -«
    »Another horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that ought to be broken up. I
don't see how people with any feeling can applaud and support it.«
 
                                   * * * * *
 
»So these two knights came together with great random -«
    I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter, but I didn't say
anything. I judged that the Irish knight was in trouble with the visitors by
this time, and this turned out to be the case.
    »- that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his spear brast in pieces on the
shield, and Sir Marhaus smote him so sore that horse and man he bare to the
earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side -«
    »The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little too simple; the
vocabulary is too limited, and so, by consequence, descriptions suffer in the
matter of variety; they run too much to level Saharas of fact, and not enough to
picturesque detail; this throws about them a certain air of the monotonous; in
fact the fights are all alike: a couple of people come together with great
random - random is a good word, and so is exegesis, for that matter, and so is
holocaust, and defalcation, and usufruct, and a hundred others, but land! a body
ought to discriminate - they come together with great random, and a spear is
brast, and one party brake his shield, and the other one goes down, horse and
man, over his horse-tail and brake his neck, and then the next candidate comes
randoming in, and brast his spear, and the other man brast his shield, and down
he goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, and brake his neck, and then
there's another elected, and another and another and still another, till the
material is all used up; and when you come to figure up results, you can't tell
one fight from another nor who whipped; and as a picture, of living, raging,
roaring battle, sho! why, it's pale and noiseless - just ghosts scuffling in a
fog. Dear me, what would this barren vocabulary get out of the mightiest
spectacle? - the burning of Rome, in Nero's time, for instance. Why, it would
merely say, Town burned down, no insurance; boy brast a window, fireman brake
his neck! Why, that ain't a picture!«
    It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it didn't disturb Sandy,
didn't turn a feather; her steam soared steadily up again, the minute I took off
the lid:
    »Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward Gawaine with his spear.
And when Sir Gawaine saw that, he dressed his shield, and they aventred their
spears, and they came together with all the might of their horses, that either
knight smote other so hard in the midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine's
spear brake -«
    »I knew it would.«
    - »but Sir Marhaus's spear held; and therewith Sir Gawaine and his horse
rushed down to the earth -«
    »Just so - and brake his back.«
    - »and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet, and pulled out his sword, and
dressed him toward Sir Marhaus on foot, and therewith either came unto other
eagerly, and smote together with their swords that their shields flew in
cantels, and they bruised their helms and their hauberks, and wounded either
other. But Sir Gawaine, fro it passed nine of the clock, waxed by the space of
three hours ever stronger and stronger, and thrice his might was increased. All
this espied Sir Marhaus, and had great wonder how his might increased, and so
they wounded other passing sore; and then when it was come noon -«
    The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to scenes and sounds of my
boyhood days:
    »N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments-knductor 'll strike the
gong-bell two minutes before train leaves - passengers for the Shore-line please
take seats in the rear k'yar, this k'yar don't go no further - ahh-pls, aw-rnjz,
b'nanners, s-a-n-d'-ches, p--op-corn!«
    - »and waxed past noon and drew toward even-song, Sir Gawaine's strength
feebled and waxed passing faint, that unnethes he might dure any longer, and Sir
Marhaus was then bigger and bigger; -«
    »Which strained his armour, of course; and yet little would one of these
people mind a small thing like that.«
    - »and so, Sir knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have well felt that ye are a
passing good knight, and a marvellous man of might as ever I felt any, while it
lasteth, and our quarrels are not great, and therefore it were pity to do you
hurt, for I feel ye are passing feeble. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye
say the word that I should say. And therewith they took off their helms and
either kissed other, and there they swore together either to love other as
brethren -«
    But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber, thinking about what a
pity it was that men with such superb strength - strength enabling them to stand
up cased in cruelly burdensome iron and drenched with perspiration, and hack and
batter and bang each other for six hours on a stretch - should not have been
born at a time when they could put it to some useful purpose. Take a jackass,
for instance: a jackass has that kind of strength, and puts it to a useful
purpose, and is valuable to this world because he is a jackass; but a nobleman
is not valuable because he is a jackass. It is a mixture that is always
ineffectual, and should never have been attempted in the first place. And yet,
once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what is going
to come of it.
    When I came to myself again and began to listen, I perceived that I had lost
another chapter, and that Alisande had wandered a long way off with her people:
    »And so they rode and came into a deep valley full of stones, and thereby
they saw a fair stream of water; above thereby was the head of the stream, a
fair fountain, and three damsels sitting thereby. In this country, said Sir
Marhaus, came never knight since it was christened, but he found strange
adventures -«
    »This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus the king's son of Ireland
talks like all the rest; you ought to give him a brogue, or at least a
characteristic expletive; by this means one would recognize him as soon as he
spoke, without his even being named. It is a common literary device with the
great authors. You should make him say, In this country, be jabers, came never
knight since it was christened, but he found strange adventures, be jabers. You
see how much better that sounds.«
    - »came never knight but he found strange adventures, be jabers. Of a truth
it doth indeed, fair lord, albeit 'tis passing hard to say, though peradventure
that will not tarry, but better speed with usage. And then they rode to the
damsels, and either saluted other, and the eldest had a garland of gold about
her head, and she was threescore winter of age or more -«
    »The damsel was?«
    »Even so, dear lord - and her hair was white under the garland and -«
    »Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not - the loose-fit kind,
that go up and down like a portcullis when you eat, and fall out when you
laugh.«
    »The second damsel was of thirty winter of age, with a circlet of gold about
her head. The third damsel was but fifteen year of age -«
    Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, and the voice faded out of my
hearing!
    Fifteen! Break - my heart! oh, my lost darling! Just her age who was so
gentle, and lovely, and all the world to me; and whom I shall never see again!
How the thought of her carries me back over wide seas of memory to a vague dim
time, a happy time, so many many centuries hence, when I used to wake in the
soft summer mornings out of sweet dreams of her, and say »Hello, Central!« just
to hear her dear voice come melting back to me with a »Hello, Hank!« that was
music of the spheres to my enchanted ear. She got three dollars a week, but she
was worth it.
    I could not follow Alisande's further explanation of who our captured
knights were, now - I mean, in case she should ever get to explaining who they
were; my interest was gone, my thoughts were far away, and sad. By fitful
glimpses of the drifting tale, caught here and there and now and then, I merely
noted in a vague way that each of these three knights took one of these three
damsels up behind him on his horse, and one rode north, another east, the other
south, to seek adventures, and meet again and lie, after year and day. Year and
day - and without baggage. It was of a piece with the general simplicity of the
country.
    The sun was now setting. It was about three in the afternoon when Alisande
had begun to tell me who the cow-boys were; so she had made pretty good progress
with it - for her. She would arrive some time or other, no doubt, but she was
not a person who could be hurried.
    We were approaching a castle which stood on high ground; a huge, strong,
venerable structure, whose gray towers and battlements were charmingly draped
with ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was drenched with splendours flung from
the sinking sun. It was the largest castle we had seen, and so I thought it
might be the one we were after, but Sandy said no. She did not know who owned
it; she said she had passed it without calling, when she went down to Camelot.
 

                                   Chapter 16

                                 Morgan le Fay

If knights errant were to be believed, not all castles were desirable places to
seek hospitality in. As a matter of fact, knights errant were not persons to be
believed - that is, measured by modern standards of veracity; yet, measured by
the standards of their own time, and scaled accordingly, you got the truth. It
was very simple: you discounted a statement ninety-seven per cent; the rest was
fact. Now after making this allowance, the truth remained that if I could find
out something about a castle before ringing the door-bell - I mean, hailing the
warders - it was the sensible thing to do. So I was pleased when I saw in the
distance a horseman making the bottom turn of the road that wound down from this
castle.
    As we approached each other, I saw that he wore a plumed helmet, and seemed
to be otherwise clothed in steel, but bore a curious addition also - a stiff
square garment like a herald's tabard. However, I had to smile at my own
forgetfulness when I got nearer and read this sign on his tabard:
 
                              »PERSIMMONS'S SOAP -
                                        
                          ALL THE PRIME-DONNE USE IT.«
 
That was a little idea of my own, and had several wholesome purposes in view
toward the civilizing and uplifting of this nation. In the first place, it was a
furtive, underhand blow at this nonsense of knight-errantry, though nobody
suspected that but me. I had started a number of these people out - the bravest
knights I could get - each sandwiched between bulletin-boards bearing one device
or another, and I judged that by and by when they got to be numerous enough they
would begin to look ridiculous; and then, even the steel-clad ass that hadn't
any board would himself begin to look ridiculous because he was out of the
fashion.
    Secondly, these missionaries would gradually, and without creating suspicion
or exciting alarm, introduce a rudimentary cleanliness among the nobility, and
from them it would work down to the people, if the priests could be kept quiet.
This would undermine the Church. I mean would be a step toward that. Next,
education - next freedom - and then she would begin to crumble. It being my
conviction that any Established Church is an established crime, an established
slavepen, I had no scruples, but was willing to assail it in any way or with any
weapon that promised to hurt it. Why, in my own former day - in remote centuries
not yet stirring in the womb of time - there were old Englishmen who imagined
that they had been born in a free country: a free country with the Corporation
Act and the Test still in force in it - timbers propped against men's liberties
and dishonoured consciences to shore up an Established Anachronism with.
    My missionaries were taught to spell out the gilt signs on their tabards -
the showy gilding was a neat idea, I could have got the king to wear a
bulletin-board for the sake of that barbaric splendour - they were to spell out
these signs and then explain to the lords and ladies what soap was; and if the
lords and ladies were afraid of it, get them to try it on a dog. The
missionary's next move was to get the family together and try it on himself; he
was to stop at no experiment, however desperate, that could convince the
nobility that soap was harmless; if any final doubt remained, he must catch a
hermit - the woods were full of them; saints, they called themselves, and saints
they were believed to be. They were unspeakably holy, and worked miracles, and
everybody stood in awe of them. If a hermit could survive a wash, and that
failed to convince a duke, give him up, let him alone.
    Whenever my missionaries overcame a knight errant on the road, they washed
him, and when he got well they swore him to go and get a bulletin-board and
disseminate soap and civilization the rest of his days. As a consequence the
workers in the field were increasing by degrees, and the reform was steadily
spreading. My soap factory felt the strain early. At first I had only two hands;
but before I had left home I was already employing fifteen, and running night
and day; and the atmospheric result was getting so pronounced that the king went
sort of fainting and gasping around and said he did not believe he could stand
it much longer, and Sir Launcelot got so that he did hardly anything but walk up
and down the roof and swear, although I told him it was worse up there than
anywhere else, but he said he wanted plenty of air; and he was always
complaining that a palace was no place for a soap factory, anyway, and said if a
man was to start one in his house he would be damned if he wouldn't strangle
him. There were ladies present, too; but much those people ever cared for that;
they would swear before children, if the wind was their way when the factory was
going.
    This missionary-knight's name was La Cote Male Taile, and he said that this
castle was the abode of Morgan le Fay, sister of King Arthur, and wife of King
Uriens, monarch of a realm about as big as the District of Columbia - you could
stand in the middle of it and throw bricks into the next kingdom. Kings and
kingdoms were as thick in Britain as they had been in little Palestine in
Joshua's time, when people had to sleep with their knees pulled up because they
couldn't stretch out without a passport.
    La Cote was much depressed, for he had scored here the worst failure of his
campaign. He had not worked off a cake; yet he had tried all the tricks of the
trade, even to the washing of a hermit; but the hermit died. This was indeed a
bad failure, for this animal would now be dubbed a martyr, and would take his
place among the saints of the Roman calendar. Thus made he his moan, this poor
Sir La Cote Male Taile, and sorrowed passing sore. And so my heart bled for him,
and I was moved to comfort and stay him. Wherefore I said -
    »Forbear to grieve, fair knight, for this is not a defeat. We have brains,
you and I; and for such as have brains there are no defeats, but only victories.
Observe how we will turn this seeming disaster into an advertisement; an
advertisement for our soap; and the biggest one, to draw, that was ever thought
of: an advertisement that will transform that Mount Washington defeat into a
Matterhorn victory. We will put on your bulletin-board, PATRONIZED BY THE ELECT.
How does that strike you?«
    »Verily, it is wonderly bethought!«
    »Well, a body is bound to admit that for just a modest little one-line ad.,
it's a corker.«
    So the poor colporteur's griefs vanished away. He was a brave fellow, and
had done mighty feats of arms in his time. His chief celebrity rested upon the
events of an excursion like this one of mine, which he had once made with a
damsel named Maledisant, who was as handy with her tongue as was Sandy, though
in a different way, for her tongue churned forth only railings and insult,
whereas Sandy's music was of a kindlier sort. I knew his story well, and so I
knew how to interpret the compassion that was in his face when he bade me
farewell. He supposed I was having a bitter hard time of it.
    Sandy and I discussed his story, as we rode along, and she said that La
Cote's bad luck had begun with the very beginning of that trip; for the king's
fool had overthrown him on the first day, and in such cases it was customary for
the girl to desert to the conqueror, but Maledisant didn't do it; and also
persisted afterwards in sticking to him, after all his defeats. But, said I,
suppose the victor should decline to accept his spoil? She said that that
wouldn't answer - he must. He couldn't decline: it wouldn't be regular. I made a
note of that. If Sandy's music got to be too burdensome, some time, I would let
a knight defeat me, on the chance that she would desert to him.
    In due time we were challenged by the warders, from the castle walls, and
after a parley admitted. I have nothing pleasant to tell about that visit. But
it was not a disappointment, for I knew Mrs. le Fay by reputation, and was not
expecting anything pleasant. She was held in awe by the whole realm, for she had
made everybody believe she was a great sorceress. All her ways were wicked, all
her instincts devilish. She was loaded to the eye-lids with cold malice. All her
history was black with crime; and among her crimes murder was common. I was most
curious to see her; as curious as I could have been to see Satan. To my
surprise, she was beautiful; black thoughts had failed to make her expression
repulsive, age had failed to wrinkle her satin skin or mar its bloomy freshness.
She could have passed for old Uriens's granddaughter, she could have been
mistaken for sister to her own son.
    As soon as we were fairly within the castle gates, we were ordered into her
presence. King Uriens was there, a kind-faced old man with a subdued look; and
also the son, Sir Uwaine le Blanchemains, in whom I was of course interested, on
account of the tradition that he had once done battle with thirty knights, and
also on account of his trip with Sir Gawaine and Sir Marhaus which Sandy had
been aging me with. But Morgan was the main attraction, the conspicuous
personality here; she was head chief of this household, that was plain. She
caused us to be seated, and then she began, with all manner of pretty graces and
graciousnesses, to ask me questions. Dear me, it was like a bird, or a flute, or
something, talking. I felt persuaded that this woman must have been
misrepresented, lied about. She trilled along, and trilled along, and presently
a handsome young page, clothed like the rainbow, and as easy and undulatory of
movement as a wave, came with something on a golden salver, and kneeling to
present it to her, overdid his graces and lost his balance, and so fell lightly
against her knee. She slipped a dirk into him in as matter-of-course a way as
another person would have harpooned a rat!
    Poor child, he slumped to the floor, twisted his silken limbs in one great
straining contortion of pain, and was dead. Out of the old king was wrung an
involuntary »O-h!« of compassion. The look he got, made him cut it suddenly
short and not put any more hyphens in it. Sir Uwaine, at a sign from his mother,
went to the ante-room and called some servants, and meanwhile madame went
rippling sweetly along with her talk.
    I saw that she was a good housekeeper, for while she talked she kept a
corner of her eye on the servants to see that they made no balks in handling the
body and getting it out; when they came with fresh clean towels, she sent back
for the other kind; and when they had finished wiping the floor and were going,
she indicated a crimson fleck the size of a tear which their duller eyes had
overlooked. It was plain to me that La Cote Male Taile had failed to see the
mistress of the house. Often, how louder and clearer than any tongue, does dumb
circumstantial evidence speak.
    Morgan le Fay rippled along as musically as ever. Marvelous woman. And what
a glance she had: when it fell in reproof upon those servants, they shrunk and
quailed as timid people do when the lightning flashes out of a cloud. I could
have got the habit myself. It was the same with that poor old Brer Uriens; he
was always on the ragged edge of apprehension; she could not even turn toward
him but he winced.
    In the midst of the talk, I let drop a complimentary word about King Arthur,
forgetting for the moment how this woman hated her brother. That one little
compliment was enough. She clouded up like a storm; she called for her guards,
and said -
    »Hale me these varlets to the dungeons!«
    That struck cold on my ears, for her dungeons had a reputation. Nothing
occurred to me to say - or do. But not so with Sandy. As the guard laid a hand
upon me, she piped up with the tranquilest confidence, and said -
    »God's wownds, dost thou covet destruction, thou maniac? It is The Boss!«
    Now what a happy idea that was! - and so simple; yet it would never have
occurred to me. I was born modest; not all over, but in spots; and this was one
of the spots.
    The effect upon madame was electrical. It cleared her countenance and
brought back her smiles, and all her persuasive graces and blandishments; but
nevertheless she was not able to entirely cover up with them the fact that she
was in a ghastly fright. She said:
    »La, do but list to thine handmaid! as if one gifted with powers like to
mine might say the thing which I have said, unto one who has vanquished Merlin,
and not be jesting. By mine enchantments I foresaw your coming, and by them I
knew you when you entered here. I did but play this little jest with hope to
surprise you into some display of your art, as not doubting you would blast the
guards with occult fires, consuming them to ashes on the spot, a marvel much
beyond mine own ability, yet one which I have long been childishly curious to
see.«
    The guards were less curious, and got out as soon as they got permission.
 

                                   Chapter 17

                                A Royal Banquet

Madame, seeing me pacific and unresentful, no doubt judged that I was deceived
by her excuse; for her fright dissolved away, and she was soon so importunate to
have me give an exhibition and kill somebody, that the thing grew to be
embarrassing. However, to my relief she was presently interrupted by the call to
prayers. I will say this much for the nobility: that, tyrannical, murderous,
rapacious, and morally rotten as they were, they were deeply and
enthusiastically religious. Nothing could divert them from the regular and
faithful performance of the pieties enjoined by the Church. More than once I had
seen a noble who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage, stop to pray before
cutting his throat; more than once I had seen a noble, after ambushing and
dispatching his enemy, retire to the nearest wayside shrine and humbly give
thanks, without even waiting to rob the body. There was to be nothing finer or
sweeter in the life of even Benvenuto Cellini, that rough-hewn saint, ten
centuries later. All the nobles of Britain, with their families, attended divine
service morning and night daily, in their private chapels, and even the worst of
them had family worship five or six times a day besides. The credit of this
belonged entirely to the Church. Although I was no friend to that Catholic
Church, I was obliged to admit this. And often, in spite of me, I found myself
saying, »What would this country be without the Church?«
    After prayers we had dinner in a great banqueting hall which was lighted by
hundreds of grease-jets, and everything was as fine and lavish and rudely
splendid as might become the royal degree of the hosts. At the head of the hall,
on a dais, was the table of the king, queen, and their son, Prince Uwaine.
Stretching down the hall from this, was the general table, on the floor. At
this, above the salt, sat the visiting nobles and the grown members of their
families, of both sexes, - the resident court, in effect, - sixty-one persons;
below the salt sat minor officers of the household, with their principal
subordinates: altogether a hundred and eighteen persons sitting, and about as
many liveried servants standing behind their chairs or serving in one capacity
or another. It was a very fine show. In a gallery a band, with cymbals, horns,
harps and other horrors, opened the proceedings with what seemed to be the crude
first-draft or original agony of the wail known to later centuries as In the
Sweet By and By. It was new, and ought to have been rehearsed a little more. For
some reason or other the queen had the composer hanged, after dinner.
    After this music the priest who stood behind the royal table said a noble
long grace in ostensible Latin. Then the battalion of waiters broke away from
their posts, and darted, rushed, flew, fetched and carried, and the mighty
feeding began: no words anywhere, but absorbing attention to business. The rows
of chops opened and shut in vast unison, and the sound of it was like to the
muffled burr of subterranean machinery. The havoc continued an hour and a half,
and unimaginable was the destruction of substantials. Of the chief feature of
the feast - the huge wild boar that lay stretched out so portly and imposing at
the start - nothing was left but the semblance of a hoop-skirt; and he was but
the type and symbol of what had happened to all the other dishes.
    With the pastries and so-on, the heavy drinking began - and the talk. Gallon
after gallon of wine and mead disappeared, and everybody got comfortable, then
happy, then sparklingly joyous - both sexes, - and by and by pretty noisy. Men
told anecdotes that were terrific to hear, but nobody blushed; and when the nub
was sprung, the assemblage let go with a horse-laugh that shook the fortress.
Ladies answered back with historiettes that would almost have made Queen
Margaret of Navarre or even the great Elizabeth of England hide behind a
handkerchief, but nobody hid here, but only laughed - howled, you may say. In
pretty much all of these dreadful stories, ecclesiastics were the hardy heroes,
but that didn't worry the chaplain any, he had his laugh with the rest; more
than that, upon invitation he roared out a song which was of as daring a sort as
any that was sung that night.
    By midnight everybody was fagged out, and sore with laughing; and as a rule,
drunk: some weepingly, some affectionately, some hilariously, some
quarrelsomely, some dead and under the table. Of the ladies, the worst spectacle
was a lovely young duchess, whose wedding-eve this was; and indeed she was a
spectacle, sure enough: just as she was, she could have sat in advance for the
portrait of the young daughter of the Regent d'Orleans, at the famous dinner
whence she was carried, foul-mouthed, intoxicated and helpless, to her bed, in
the lost and lamented days of the Ancient Regime.
    Suddenly, even while the priest was lifting his hands, and all conscious
heads were bowed in reverent expectation of the coming blessing, there appeared
under the arch of the far-off door at the bottom of the hall, an old and bent
and white-haired lady, leaning upon a crutch-stick; and she lifted the stick and
pointed it toward the queen and cried out -
    »The wrath and curse of God fall upon you, woman without pity, who have
slain mine innocent grandchild and made desolate this old heart that had nor
chick nor friend nor stay nor comfort in all this world but him!«
    Everybody crossed himself in a grisly fright, for a curse was an awful thing
to those people; but the queen rose up majestic, with the death-light in her
eye, and flung back this ruthless command:
    »Lay hands on her! to the stake with her!«
    The guards left their posts to obey. It was a shame; it was a cruel thing to
see. What could be done? Sandy gave me a look: I knew she had another
inspiration. I said -
    »Do what you choose.«
    She was up and facing toward the queen in a moment. She indicated me, and
said:
    »Madame, he saith this may not be. Recal the commandment, or he will
dissolve the castle and it shall vanish away like the instable fabric of a
dream!«
    Confound it, what a crazy contract to pledge a person to! What if the queen
-
    But my consternation subsided there, and my panic passed off; for the queen,
all in a collapse, made no show of resistance, but gave a countermanding sign
and sunk into her seat. When she reached it she was sober. So were many of the
others. The assemblage rose, whiffed ceremony to the winds, and rushed for the
door like a mob; overturning chairs, smashing crockery, tugging, struggling,
shouldering, crowding - anything to get out before I should change my mind and
puff the castle into the measureless dim vacancies of space. Well, well, well,
they were a superstitious lot. It is all a body can do to conceive of it.
    The poor queen was so scared and humbled that she was even afraid to hang
the composer without first consulting me. I was very sorry for her - indeed any
one would have been, for she was really suffering; so I was willing to do
anything that was reasonable, and had no desire to carry things to wanton
extremities. I therefore considered the matter thoughtfully, and ended by having
the musicians ordered into our presence to play that Sweet By and By again,
which they did. Then I saw that she was right, and gave her permission to hang
the whole band. This little relaxation of sternness had a good effect upon the
queen. A statesman gains little by the arbitrary exercise of ironclad authority
upon all occasions that offer, for this wounds the just pride of his
subordinates, and thus tends to undermine his strength. A little concession, now
and then, where it can do no harm, is the wiser policy.
    Now that the queen was at ease in her mind once more, and measurably happy,
her wine naturally began to assert itself again, and it got a little the start
of her. I mean it set her music going - her silver bell of a tongue. Dear me,
she was a master talker. It would not become me to suggest that it was pretty
late, and that I was a tired man and very sleepy. I wished I had gone off to bed
when I had the chance. Now I must stick it out; there was no other way. So she
tinkled along and along, in the otherwise profound and ghostly hush of the
sleeping castle, until by and by there came, as if from deep down under us, a
far-away sound, as of a muffled shriek - with an expression of agony about it
that made my flesh crawl. The queen stopped, and her eyes lighted with pleasure;
she tilted her graceful head as a bird does when it listens. The sound bored its
way up through the stillness again.
    »What is it?« I said.
    »It is truly a stubborn soul, and endureth long. It is many hours, now.«
    »Endureth what?«
    »The rack. Come - ye shall see a blithe sight. An he yield not his secret
now, ye shall see him torn asunder.«
    What a silky smooth hellion she was; and so composed and serene, when the
cords all down my legs were hurting, in sympathy with that man's pain. Conducted
by mailed guards bearing flaring torches, we tramped along echoing corridors,
and down stone stairways dank and dripping, and smelling of mould and ages of
imprisoned night - a chill, uncanny journey and a long one, and not made the
shorter or the cheerier by the sorceress's talk, which was about this sufferer
and his crime. He had been accused, by an anonymous informer, of having killed a
stag in the royal preserve. I said -
    »Anonymous testimony isn't just the right thing, your Highness. It were
fairer to confront the accused with the accuser.«
    »I had not thought of that, it being of but small consequence. But an I
would, I could not, for that the accuser came masked, by night, and told the
forester, and straightway gat him hence again, and so the forester knoweth him
not.«
    »Then is this Unknown the only person who saw the stag killed?«
    »Marry, no man saw the killing, but this Unknown saw this hardy wretch near
to the spot where the stag lay, and came with right loyal zeal and betrayed him
to the forester.«
    »So the Unknown was near the dead stag, too? Isn't it just possible that he
did the killing himself? His loyal zeal - in a mask - looks just a shade
suspicious. But what is your Highness's idea for racking the prisoner? Where is
the profit?«
    »He will not confess, else; and then were his soul lost. For his crime, his
life is forfeit by the law - and of a surety will I see that he payeth it! - but
it were peril to my own soul to let him die unconfessed and unabsolved. Nay, I
were a fool to fling me into hell for his accommodation.«
    »But, your Highness, suppose he has nothing to confess?«
    »As to that, we shall see, anon. An I rack him to death and he confess not,
it will peradventure show that he had indeed naught to confess - ye will grant
that that is sooth? Then shall I not be damned for an unconfessed man that had
naught to confess - wherefore, I shall be safe.«
    It was the stubborn unreasoning of the time. It was useless to argue with
her. Arguments have no chance against petrified training; they wear it as little
as the waves wear a cliff. And her training was everybody's. The brightest
intellect in the land would not have been able to see that her position was
defective.
    As we entered the rack-cell I caught a picture that will not go from me; I
wish it would. A naked young giant of thirty or thereabouts, lay stretched upon
the frame, on his back, with his wrists and ankles tied to ropes which led over
windlasses at either end. There was no colour in him; his features were contorted
and set, and sweat-drops stood upon his forehead. A priest bent over him on each
side; the executioner stood by; guards were on duty; smoking torches stood in
sockets along the walls; in a corner crouched a poor young creature, her face
drawn with anguish, a half-wild and hunted look in her eyes, and in her lap lay
a little child asleep. Just as we stepped across the threshold, the executioner
gave his machine a slight turn, which wrung a cry from both the prisoner and the
woman; but I shouted, and the executioner released the strain without waiting to
see who spoke. I could not let this horror go on; it would have killed me to see
it. I asked the queen to let me clear the place and speak to the prisoner
privately; and when she was going to object, I spoke in a low voice and said I
did not want to make a scene before her servants, but I must have my way; for I
was King Arthur's representative, and was speaking in his name. She saw she had
to yield. I asked her to endorse me to these people, and then leave me. It was
not pleasant for her, but she took the pill; and even went further than I was
meaning to require. I only wanted the backing of her own authority; but she said
-
    »Ye will do in all things as this lord shall command. It is The Boss.«
    It was certainly a good word to conjure with: you could see it by the
squirming of these rats. The queen's guards fell into line, and she and they
marched away, with their torch-bearers, and woke the echoes of the cavernous
tunnels with the measured beat of their retreating footfalls. I had the prisoner
taken from the rack and placed upon his bed, and medicaments applied to his
hurts, and wine given him to drink. The woman crept near and looked on, eagerly,
lovingly, but timorously, - like one who fears a repulse; indeed, she tried to
furtively touch the man's forehead, and jumped back, the picture of fright, when
I turned unconsciously toward her. It was pitiful to see.
    »Lord,« I said, »stroke him, lass, if you want to. Do anything you're a mind
to; don't mind me.«
    Why, her eyes were as grateful as an animal's, when you do it a kindness
that it understands. The baby was out of her way and she had her cheek against
the man's in a minute, and her hands fondling his hair, and her happy tears
running down. The man revived, and caressed his wife with his eyes, which was
all he could do. I judged I might clear the den, now, and I did; cleared it of
all but the family and myself. Then I said -
    »Now my friend, tell me your side of this matter; I know the other side.«
    The man moved his head in sign of refusal. But the woman looked pleased - as
it seemed to me - pleased with my suggestion. I went on:
    »You know of me?«
    »Yes. All do, in Arthur's realms.«
    »If my reputation has come to you right and straight, you should not be
afraid to speak.«
    The woman broke in, eagerly:
    »Ah, fair my lord, do thou persuade him! Thou canst an thou wilt. Ah, he
suffereth so; and it is for me - for me! And how can I bear it? I would I might
see him die - a sweet, swift death; oh, my Hugo, I cannot bear this one!«
    And she fell to sobbing, and groveling about my feet, and still imploring.
Imploring what? The man's death? I could not quite get the bearings of the
thing. But Hugo interrupted her and said -
    »Peace! Ye wit not what ye ask. Shall I starve whom I love, to win a gentle
death? I wend thou knewest me better.«
    »Well,« I said, »I can't quite make this out. It is a puzzle. Now -«
    »Ah, dear my lord, an ye will but persuade him! Consider how these his
tortures wound me! Oh, and he will not speak! - whenas, the healing, the solace
that lie in a blessed swift death -«
    »What are you maundering about? He's going out from here a free man and
whole - he's not going to die.«
    The man's white face lit up, and the woman flung herself at me in a most
surprising explosion of joy, and cried out -
    »He is saved! - for it is the king's word by the mouth of the king's servant
- Arthur, the king whose word is gold!«
    »Well, then, you do believe I can be trusted, after all. Why didn't you
before?«
    »Who doubted? Not I, indeed; and not she.«
    »Well, why wouldn't you tell me your story, then?«
    »Ye had made no promise; else had it been otherwise.«
    »I see, I see. ... And yet, I believe I don't quite see, after all. You
stood the torture and refused to confess; which shows plain enough to even the
dullest understanding that you had nothing to confess -«
    »I, my lord? How so? It was I that killed the deer!«
    »You did? Oh, dear, this is the most mixed-up business that ever -«
    »Dear lord, I begged him on my knees to confess, but -«
    »You did! It gets thicker and thicker. What did you want him to do that,
for?«
    »Sith it would bring him a quick death and save him all this cruel pain.«
    »Well - yes, there is reason in that. But he didn't want the quick death.«
    »He? Why, of a surety he did.«
    »Well, then, why in the world didn't he confess?«
    »Ah, sweet sir, and leave my wife and chick without bread and shelter?«
    »Oh, heart of gold, now I see it! The bitter law takes the convicted man's
estate and beggars his widow and his orphans. They could torture you to death,
but without conviction or confession they could not rob your wife and baby. You
stood by them like a man; and you - true wife and true woman that you are - you
would have bought him release from torture at cost to yourself of slow
starvation and death, - well, it humbles a body to think what your sex can do
when it comes to self-sacrifice. I'll book you both for my colony; you'll like
it there: it's a Factory where I'm going to turn groping and grubbing automata
into men.«
 

                                   Chapter 18

                            In the Queen's Dungeons

Well, I arranged all that; and I had the man sent to his home. I had a great
desire to rack the executioner; not because he was a good, pains-taking and
pain-giving official, - for surely it was not to his discredit that he performed
his functions well - but to pay him back for wantonly cuffing and otherwise
distressing that young woman. The priests told me about this, and were
generously hot to have him punished. Something of this disagreeable sort was
turning up, every now and then: I mean, episodes that showed that not all
priests were frauds and self-seekers, but that many, even the great majority, of
those that were down on the ground among the common people, were sincere, and
right-hearted, and devoted to the alleviation of human troubles and sufferings.
Well, it was a thing which could not be helped, so I seldom fretted about it,
and never many minutes at a time; it has never been my way to bother much about
things which you can't cure. But I did not like it, for it was just the sort of
thing to keep a people reconciled to an Established Church. We must have a
religion - it goes without saying - but my idea is, to have it cut up into forty
free sects, so that they will police each other, as had been the case in the
United States in my time. Concentration of power in a political machine is bad;
and an Established Church is only a political machine; it was invented for that,
it is nursed, coddled, preserved for that; it is an enemy to human liberty, and
does no good which it could not better do in a split-up and scattered condition.
That wasn't't law, it wasn't't gospel: it was only an opinion - my opinion, and I
was only a man, one man: so it wasn't't worth any more than the pope's - or any
less, for that matter.
    Well, I couldn't rack the executioner, neither would I overlook the just
complaint of the priests. The man must be punished somehow or other, so I
degraded him from his office and made him leader of the band - the new one that
was to be started. He begged hard, and said he couldn't play - a plausible
excuse, but too thin: there wasn't't a musician in the country that could.
    The queen was a good deal outraged, next morning, when she found she was
going to have neither Hugo's life nor his property. But I told her she must bear
this cross; that while by law and custom she certainly was entitled to both the
man's life and his property, there were extenuating circumstances, and so, in
Arthur the king's name I had pardoned him. The deer was ravaging the man's
fields, and he had killed it in sudden passion, and not for gain; and he had
carried it into the royal forest in the hope that that might make detection of
the misdoer impossible. Confound her, I couldn't make her see that sudden
passion is an extenuating circumstance in the killing of venison, - or of a
person - so I gave it up, and let her sulk it out. I did think I was going to
make her see it by remarking that her own sudden passion in the case of the page
modified that crime.
    »Crime!« she exclaimed. »How thou talkest! Crime, forsooth! Man, I am going
to pay for him!«
    Oh, it was no use to waste sense on her. Training - training is everything;
training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is
no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity
and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own: they are
transmitted to us, trained into us. All that is original in us, and therefore
fairly creditable or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden by the
point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms contributed by, and
inherited from, a procession of ancestors that stretches back a billion years to
the Adam-clam or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been so tediously
and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed. And as for me, all that I think
about in this plodding sad pilgrimage, this pathetic drift between the
eternities, is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me: the rest may land in
Sheol and welcome, for all I care.
    No, confound her, her intellect was good, she had brains enough, but her
training made her an ass - that is, from a many-centuries-later point of view.
To kill the page was no crime - it was her right; and upon her right she stood,
serenely, and unconscious of offence. She was a result of generations of
training in the unexamined and unassailed belief that the law which permitted
her to kill a subject when she chose was a perfectly right and righteous one.
    Well, we must give even Satan his due. She deserved a compliment for one
thing; and I tried to pay it, but the words stuck in my throat. She had a right
to kill the boy, but she was in no wise obliged to pay for him. That was law for
some other people, but not for her. She knew quite well that she was doing a
large and generous thing to pay for that lad, and that I ought in common
fairness to come out with something handsome about it, but I couldn't - my mouth
refused. I couldn't help seeing in my fancy, that poor old grandam with the
broken heart, and that fair young creature lying butchered, his little silken
pomps and vanities laced with his golden blood. How could she pay for him? Whom
could she pay? And so, well knowing that this woman, trained as she had been,
deserved praise, even adulation, I was yet not able to utter it, trained as I
had been. The best I could do was to fish up a compliment from outside, so to
speak - and the pity of it was, that it was true:
    »Madame, your people will adore you for this.«
    Quite true, but I meant to hang her for it some day, if I lived. Some of
those laws were too bad, altogether too bad. A master might kill his slave for
nothing: for mere spite, malice, or to pass the time - just as we have seen that
the crowned head could do it with his slave, that is to say, anybody. A
gentleman could kill a free commoner, and pay for him - cash or garden-truck. A
noble could kill a noble without expense, as far as the law was concerned, but
reprisals in kind were to be expected. Anybody could kill somebody, except the
commoner and the slave: these had no privileges. If they killed, it was murder,
and the law wouldn't stand murder. It made short work of the experimenter - and
of his family too, if he murdered somebody who belonged up among the ornamental
ranks. If a commoner gave a noble even so much as a Damiens scratch which didn't
kill or even hurt, he got Damiens's dose for it just the same: they pulled him
to rags and tatters with horses, and all the world came to see the show, and
crack jokes, and have a good time; and some of the performances of the best
people present were as tough, and as properly unprintable, as any that have been
printed by the pleasant Casanova in his chapter about the dismemberment of Louis
XV.'s poor awkward enemy.
    I had had enough of this grisly place by this time, and wanted to leave, but
I couldn't, because I had something on my mind that my conscience kept prodding
me about, and wouldn't let me forget. If I had the remaking of man, he wouldn't
have any conscience. It is one of the most disagreeable things connected with a
person; and although it certainly does do a great deal of good, it cannot be
said to pay, in the long run; it would be much better to have less good and more
comfort. Still, this is only my opinion, and I am only one man; others, with
less experience, may think differently. They have a right to their view. I only
stand to this: I have noticed my conscience for many years, and I know it is
more trouble and bother to me than anything else I started with. I suppose that
in the beginning I prized it, because we prize anything that is ours; and yet
how foolish it was to think so. If we look at it in another way, we see how
absurd it is: if I had an anvil in me, would I prize it? Of course not. And yet
when you come to think, there is no real difference between a conscience and an
anvil - I mean, for comfort. I have noticed it a thousand times. And you could
dissolve an anvil with acids, when you couldn't stand it any longer; but there
isn't any way that you can work off a conscience - at least so it will stay
worked off; not that I know of, anyway.
    There was something I wanted to do before leaving, but it was a disagreeable
matter, and I hated to go at it. Well, it bothered me all the morning. I could
have mentioned it to the old king, but what would be the use? - he was but an
extinct volcano; he had been active in his time, but his fire was out, this good
while, he was only a stately ash-pile, now: gentle enough, and kindly enough for
my purpose, without doubt, but not usable. He was nothing, this so-called king:
the queen was the only power there. And she was a Vesuvius. As a favour, she
might consent to warm a flock of sparrows for you, but then she might take that
very opportunity to turn herself loose and bury a city. However, I reflected
that as often as any other way, when you are expecting the worst, you get
something that is not so bad, after all.
    So I braced up and placed my matter before her royal Highness. I said I had
been having a general jail delivery at Camelot and among neighbouring castles,
and with her permission I would like to examine her collection, her bricabrac -
that is to say, her prisoners. She resisted; but I was expecting that. But she
finally consented: I was expecting that, too, but not so soon. That about ended
my discomfort. She called her guards and torches, and we went down into the
dungeons. These were down under the castle's foundations, and mainly were small
cells hollowed out of the living rock. Some of these cells had no light at all.
In one of them was a woman, in foul rags, who sat on the ground, and would not
answer a question, or speak a word, but only looked up at us, once or twice,
through a cobweb of tangled hair, as if to see what casual thing it might be
that was disturbing with sound and light the meaningless dull dream that was
become her life; after that, she sat bowed, with her dirt-caked fingers idly
interlocked in her lap, and gave no further sign. This poor rack of bones was a
woman of middle age, apparently; but only apparently: she had been there nine
years, and was eighteen when she entered. She was a commoner, and had been sent
here on her bridal night by Sir Breuse Sance Pité, a neighbouring lord whose
vassal her father was, and to which said lord she had refused what has since
been called le droit du Seigneur; and moreover, had opposed violence to violence
and spilt half a gill of his almost sacred blood. The young husband had
interfered, at that point, believing the bride's life in danger, and had flung
the noble out into the midst of the humble and trembling wedding guests in the
parlour, and left him there astonished at this strange treatment, and implacably
embittered against both bride and groom. The said lord, being cramped for
dungeon-room, had asked the queen to accommodate his two criminals, and here in
her bastile they had been ever since; hither, indeed, they had come before their
crime was an hour old, and had never seen each other since. Here they were,
kerneled like toads in the same rock; they had passed nine pitch dark years
within fifty feet of each other, yet neither knew whether the other was alive or
not. All the first years, their only question had been - asked with beseechings
and tears that might have moved stones, in time, perhaps, but hearts are not
stones: »Is he alive?« »Is she alive?« But they had never got an answer; and at
last that question was not asked any more - or any other.
    I wanted to see the man, after hearing all this. He was thirty-four years
old, and looked sixty. He sat upon a squared block of stone, with his head bent
down, his forearms resting on his knees, his long hair hanging like a fringe
before his face, and he was muttering to himself. He raised his chin and looked
us slowly over, in a listless dull way, blinking with the distress of the
torch-light, then dropped his head and fell to muttering again and took no
further notice of us. There were some pathetically suggestive dumb witnesses
present. On his wrists and ankles were cicatrices, old smooth scars, and
fastened to the stone on which he sat was a chain with manacles and fetters
attached; but this apparatus lay idle on the ground, and was thick with rust.
Chains cease to be needed, after the spirit has gone out of a prisoner.
    I could not rouse the man; so I said we would take him to her, and see - to
the bride who was the fairest thing in the earth to him, once - roses, pearls
and dew made flesh, for him; a wonder-work, the master-work of Nature: with eyes
like no other eyes, and a voice like no other voice, and a freshness, and lithe
young grace, and beauty, that belonged properly to the creatures of dreams - as
he thought - and to no other. The sight of her would set his stagnant blood
leaping; the sight of her -
    But it was a disappointment. They sat together on the ground and looked
dimly wondering into each other's faces a while, with a sort of weak animal
curiosity; then forgot each other's presence, and dropped their eyes, and you
saw that they were away again, and wandering in some far land of dreams and
shadows that we know nothing about.
    I had them taken out and sent to their friends. The queen did not like it
much. Not that she felt any personal interest in the matter, but she thought it
disrespectful to Sir Breuse Sance Pité. However, I assured her that if he found
he couldn't stand it I would fix him so that he could.
    I set forty-seven prisoners loose out of those awful rat-holes, and left
only one in captivity. He was a lord, and had killed another lord, a sort of
kinsman of the queen. That other lord had ambushed him to assassinate him, but
this fellow had got the best of him and cut his throat. However, it was not for
that that I left him jailed, but for maliciously destroying the only public well
in one of his wretched villages. The queen was bound to hang him for killing her
kinsman, but I would not allow it: it was no crime to kill an assassin. But I
said I was willing to let her hang him for destroying the well; so she concluded
to put up with that, as it was better than nothing.
    Dear me, for what trifling offences the most of those forty-seven men and
women were shut up there! Indeed some were there for no distinct offence at all,
but only to gratify somebody's spite; and not always the queen's, by any means,
but a friend's. The newest prisoner's crime was a mere remark which he had made.
He said he believed that men were about all alike, and one man as good as
another, barring clothes. He said he believed that if you were to strip the
nation naked and send a stranger through the crowd, he couldn't tell the king
from a quack doctor, nor a duke from a hotel clerk. Apparently here was a man
whose brains had not been reduced to an ineffectual mush by idiotic training. I
set him loose at once, and sent him to the Factory.
    Some of the cells, carved in the living rock, were just behind the face of
the precipice, and in each of these an arrow-slit had been pierced outward to
the daylight, and so the captive had a thin ray from the blessed sun for his
comfort. The case of one of these poor fellows was particularly hard. From his
dusky swallow's-hole high up in that vast wall of native rock he could peer out
through the arrow-slit and see his own home off yonder in the valley; and for
twenty-two years he had watched it, with heart-ache and longing, through that
crack. He could see the lights shine there at night, and in the daytime he could
see figures go in and come out - his wife and children, some of them, no doubt,
though he could not make out, at that distance. In the course of years he noted
festivities there, and tried to rejoice, and wondered if they were weddings, or
what they might be. And he noted funerals; and they wrung his heart. He could
make out the coffin, but he could not determine its size, and so could not tell
whether it was wife or child. He could see the procession form, with priests and
mourners, and move solemnly away, bearing the secret with them. He had left
behind him five children and a wife; and in nineteen years he had seen five
funerals issue, and none of them humble enough in pomp to denote a servant. So
he had lost five of his treasures; there must still be one remaining - one now
infinitely, unspeakably precious, - but which one? wife, or child? That was the
question that tortured him, by night and by day, asleep and awake. Well, to have
an interest, of some sort, and half a ray of light, when you are in a dungeon,
is a great support to the body and preserver of the intellect. This man was in
pretty good condition yet. By the time he had finished telling me his
distressful tale, I was in the same state of mind that you would have been in,
yourself, if you have got average human curiosity: that is to say, I was as
burning up as he was, to find out which member of the family it was, that was
left. So I took him over home myself; and an amazing kind of a surprise party it
was, too - typhoons and cyclones of frantic joy, and whole Niagaras of happy
tears: and by George we found the aforetime young matron graying toward the
imminent verge of her half-century, and the babies all men and women, and some
of them married and experimenting family-wise themselves - for not a soul of the
tribe was dead! Conceive of the ingenious devilishness of that queen: she had a
special hatred for this prisoner, and she had invented all those funerals
herself, to scorch his heart with; and the sublimest stroke of genius of the
whole thing was leaving the family-invoice a funeral short, so as to let him
wear his poor old soul out guessing.
    But for me, he never would have got out. Morgan le Fay hated him with her
whole heart, and she never would have softened toward him. And yet his crime was
committed more in thoughtlessness than deliberate depravity. He had said she had
red hair. Well, she had; but that was no way to speak of it. When red-headed
people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.
    Consider it: among these forty-seven captives, there were five whose names,
offences, and dates of incarceration were no longer known! One woman and four
men - all bent, and wrinkled, and mind-extinguished patriarchs. They themselves
had long ago forgotten these details; at any rate they had mere vague theories
about them, nothing definite, and nothing that they repeated twice in the same
way. The succession of priests whose office it had been to pray daily with the
captives, and remind them that God had put them there, for some wise purpose or
other, and teach them that patience, humbleness, and submission to oppression
was what He loved to see in parties of a subordinate rank, had traditions about
these poor old human ruins, but nothing more. These traditions went but little
way, for they concerned the length of the incarcerations only, and not the names
or the offences. And even by the help of tradition the only thing that could be
proven was that none of the five had seen daylight for thirty-five years: how
much longer this privation had lasted was not guessable. The king and the queen
knew nothing about these poor creatures, except that they were heirlooms, assets
inherited, along with the throne, from the former firm. Nothing of their history
had been transmitted with their persons, and so the inheriting owners had
considered them of no value, and had felt no interest in them. I said to the
queen -
    »Then why in the world didn't you set them free?«
    The question was a puzzler. She didn't know why she hadn't; the thing had
never come up in her mind. So here she was, forecasting the veritable history of
future prisoners of the castle d'If, without knowing it. It seemed plain to me
now, that with her training, those inherited prisoners were merely property -
nothing more, nothing less. Well, when we inherit property, it does not occur to
us to throw it away, even when we do not value it.
    When I brought my procession of human bats up into the open world and the
glare of the afternoon sun, - previously blindfolding them in charity for eyes
so long untortured by light - they were a spectacle to look at. Skeletons,
scarecrows, goblins, pathetic frights, every one: legitimatest possible children
of Monarchy by the Grace of God and the Established Church. I muttered, absently
-
    »I wish I could photograph them!«
    You have seen that kind of people who will never let on that they don't know
the meaning of a new big word. The more ignorant they are, the more pitifully
certain they are to pretend you haven't shot over their heads. The queen was
just one of that sort, and was always making the stupidest blunders by reason of
it. She hesitated a moment; then her face brightened up with sudden
comprehension, and she said she would do it for me.
    I thought to myself: She? why what can she know about photography? But it
was a poor time to be thinking. When I looked around, she was moving on the
procession with an axe!
    Well, she certainly was a curious one, was Morgan le Fay. I have seen a good
many kinds of women in my time, but she laid over them all, for variety. And how
sharply characteristic of her this episode was. She had no more idea than a
horse, of how to photograph a procession; but being in doubt, it was just like
her to try to do it with an axe.
 

                                   Chapter 19

                           Knight-Errantry as a Trade

Sandy and I were on the road again, next morning, bright and early. It was so
good to open up one's lungs and take in whole luscious barrels-full of the
blessed God's untainted, dew-freshened, woodland-scented air once more, after
suffocating body and mind for two days and nights in the moral and physical
stenches of that intolerable old buzzard-roost! I mean, for me: of course the
place was all right and agreeable enough for Sandy, for she had been used to
high life all her days.
    Poor girl, her jaws had had a wearisome rest, now, for a while; and I was
expecting to get the consequences. I was right; but she had stood by me most
helpfully in the castle, and had mightily supported and reinforced me with
gigantic foolishnesses which were worth more for the occasion than wisdoms
double their size; so I thought she had earned a right to work her mill for a
while, if she wanted to, and I felt not a pang when she started it up:
    »Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the damsel of thirty winter of
age southward -«
    »Are you going to see if you can work up another half-stretch on the trail
of the cow-boys, Sandy?«
    »Even so, fair my lord.«
    »Go ahead, then. I won't interrupt this time, if I can help it. Begin over
again; start fair, and shake out all your reefs, and I will load my pipe and
give good attention.«
    »Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with the damsel of thirty winter of
age southward. And so they came into a deep forest, and by fortune they were
nighted, and rode long in a deep way, and at the last they came into a
courtelage where abode the duke of South Marches, and there they asked harbour.
And on the morn the duke sent unto Sir Marhaus, and bad make him ready. And so
Sir Marhaus arose and armed him, and then there was a mass sung afore him, and
he brake his fast, and so mounted on horseback in the court of the castle, there
they should do the battle. So there was the duke already on horseback, clean
armed, and his six sons by him, and every each had a spear in his hand, and so
they encountered, where as the duke and his two sons brake their spears upon
him, but Sir Marhaus held up his spear and touched none of them. Then came the
four sons by couples, and two of them brake their spears, and so did the other
two. And all this while Sir Marhaus touched them not. Then Sir Marhaus ran to
the duke, and smote him with his spear that horse and man fell to the earth. And
so he served his sons. And then Sir Marhaus alight down, and bad the duke yield
him or else he would slay him. And then some of his sons recovered, and would
have set upon Sir Marhaus. Then Sir Marhaus said to the duke, Cease thy sons, or
else I will do the uttermost to you all. When the duke saw he might not escape
the death, he cried to his sons, and charged them to yield them to Sir Marhaus.
And they kneeled all down and put the pommels of their swords to the knight, and
so he received them. And then they holp up their father, and so by their common
assent promised unto Sir Marhaus never to be foes unto king Arthur, and
thereupon at Whitsuntide after, to come he and his sons, and put them in the
king's grace.3
    Even so standeth the history, fair Sir Boss. Now ye shall wit that that very
duke and his six sons are they whom but few days past you also did overcome and
send to Arthur's court!«
    »Why, Sandy, you can't mean it!«
    »An I speak not sooth, let it be the worse for me.«
    »Well, well, well - now who would ever have thought it? One whole duke and
six dukelets; why Sandy, it was an elegant haul. Knight-errantry is a most
chuckle-headed trade, and it is tedious hard work, too, but I begin to see that
there is money in it, after all, if you have luck. Not that I would ever engage
in it, as a business, for I wouldn't. No sound and legitimate business can be
established on a basis of speculation. A successful whirl in the knight-errantry
line - now what is it, when you blow away the nonsense and come down to the cold
facts? It's just a corner in pork, that's all, and you can't make anything else
out of it. You're rich - yes, suddenly rich - for about a day, maybe a week:
then somebody corners the market on you, and down goes your bucket-shop; ain't
that so, Sandy?«
    »Whethersoever it be that my mind miscarrieth, bewraying simple language in
such sort that the words do seem to come endlong and overthwart -«
    »There's no use in beating about the bush and trying to get around it that
way, Sandy, it's so, just as I say. I know it's so. And moreover, when you come
right down to the bed-rock, knight-errantry is worse than pork; for whatever
happens, the pork's left, and so somebody's benefited, anyway; but when the
market breaks, in a knight-errantry whirl, and every knight in the pool passes
in his checks, what have you got for assets? Just a rubbish-pile of battered
corpses and a barrel or two of busted hardware. Can you call those assets? Give
me pork, every time. Am I right?«
    »Ah, peradventure my head being distraught by the manifold matters whereunto
the confusions of these but late adventured haps and fortunings whereby not I
alone nor you alone, but every each of us, meseemeth -«
    »No, it's not your head, Sandy. Your head's all right, as far as it goes,
but you don't know business; that's where the trouble is. It unfits you to argue
about business, and you're wrong to be always trying. However, that aside, it
was a good haul, anyway, and will breed a handsome crop of reputation in
Arthur's court. And speaking of the cow-boys, what a curious country this is for
women and men that never get old. Now there's Morgan le Fay, as fresh and young
as a Vassar pullet, to all appearances, and here is this old duke of the South
Marches still slashing away with sword and lance at his time of life, after
raising such a family as he has raised. As I understand it, Sir Gawaine killed
seven of his sons, and still he had six left for Sir Marhaus and me to take into
camp. And then there was that damsel of sixty winter of age still excursioning
around in her frosty bloom. - How old are you, Sandy?«
    It was the first time I ever struck a still place in her. The mill had shut
down for repairs, or something.
 

                                   Chapter 20

                               The Ogre's Castle

Between six and nine we made ten miles, which was plenty for a horse carrying
triple - man, woman, and armour; then we stopped for a long nooning, under some
trees by a limpid brook.
    Right-so came by and by a knight riding; and as he drew near he made
dolorous moan, and by the words of it I perceived that he was cursing and
swearing; yet nevertheless was I glad of his coming, for that I saw he bare a
bulletin-board whereon in letters all of shining gold was writ -
 
                          »USE PETERSON'S PROPHYLACTIC
                           TOOTH-BRUSH - ALL THE GO.«
 
I was glad of his coming, for even by this token I knew him for knight of mine.
It was Sir Madok de la Montaine, a burly great fellow whose chief distinction
was that he had come within an ace of sending Sir Launcelot down over his
horse-tail once. He was never long in a stranger's presence without finding some
pretext or other to let out that great fact. But there was another fact of
nearly the same size, which he never pushed upon anybody unasked, and yet never
withheld when asked: that was, that the reason he didn't quite succeed was, that
he was interrupted and sent down over horse-tail himself. This innocent vast
lubber did not see any particular difference between the two facts. I liked him,
for he was earnest in his work, and very valuable. And he was so fine to look
at, with his broad mailed shoulders, and the grand leonine set of his plumed
head, and his big shield with its quaint device of a gauntleted hand clutching a
prophylactic tooth-brush, with motto, »Try Noyoudont.« This was a tooth-wash
that I was introducing.
    He was aweary, he said, and indeed he looked it; but he would not alight. He
said he was after the stove-polish man; and with this he broke out cursing and
swearing anew. The bulletin-boarder referred to was Sir Ossaise of Surluse, a
brave knight, and of considerable celebrity on account of his having tried
conclusions in a tournament, once, with no less a Mogul than Sir Gaheris himself
- although not successfully. He was of a light and laughing disposition, and to
him nothing in this world was serious. It was for this reason that I had chosen
him to work up a stove-polish sentiment. There were no stoves yet, and so there
could be nothing serious about stove-polish. All that the agent needed to do was
to deftly, and by degrees, prepare the public for the great change, and have
them established in predilections toward neatness against the time when the
stove should appear upon the stage.
    Sir Madok was very bitter, and brake out anew with cursings. He said he had
cursed his soul to rags; and yet he would not get down from his horse, neither
would he take any rest, or listen to any comfort, until he should have found Sir
Ossaise and settled this account. It appeared, by what I could piece together of
the unprofane fragments of his statement, that he had chanced upon Sir Ossaise
at dawn of the morning, and been told that if he would make a short-cut across
the fields and swamps and broken hills and glades, he could head off a company
of travellers who would be rare customers for prophylactics and tooth-wash. With
characteristic zeal Sir Madok had plunged away at once upon this quest, and
after three hours of awful crosslot riding had overhauled his game. And behold,
it was the five patriarchs that had been released from the dungeons the evening
before! Poor old creatures, it was all of twenty years since any one of them had
known what it was to be equipped with any remaining snag or remnant of a tooth.
    »Blank-blank-blank him,« said Sir Madok, »an I do not stove-polish him an I
may find him, leave it to me; for never no knight that hight Ossaise or aught
else may do me this disservice and abide on live, an I may find him, the which I
have thereunto sworn a great oath this day.«
    And with these words, and others, he lightly took his spear and gat him
hence. In the middle of the afternoon we came upon one of those very patriarchs
ourselves, in the edge of a poor village. He was basking in the love of
relatives and friends whom he had not seen for fifty years, and about him and
caressing him were also descendants of his own body whom he had never seen at
all till now; but to him these were all strangers, his memory was gone, his mind
was stagnant. It seemed incredible that a man could outlast half a century shut
up in a dark hole like a rat, but here were his old wife and some old comrades
to testify to it. They could remember him as he was in the freshness and
strength of his young manhood, when he kissed his child, and delivered it to its
mother's hands and went away into that long oblivion. The people at the castle
could not tell within half a generation the length of time the man had been shut
up there for his unrecorded and forgotten offence; but this old wife knew; and
so did her old child, who stood there among her married sons and daughters
trying to realize a father who had been to her a name, a thought, a formless
image, a tradition, all her life, and now was suddenly concreted into actual
flesh and blood and set before her face.
    It was a curious situation; yet it is not on that account that I have made
room for it here, but on account of a thing which seemed to me still more
curious. To wit, that this dreadful matter brought from these down-trodden
people no outburst of rage against their oppressors. They had been heritors and
subjects of cruelty and outrage so long that nothing could have startled them
but a kindness. Yes, here was a curious revelation indeed, of the depth to which
this people had been sunk in slavery. Their entire being was reduced to a
monotonous dead level of patience, resignation, dumb uncomplaining acceptance of
whatever might befal them in this life. Their very imagination was dead. When
you can say that of a man, he has struck bottom, I reckon; there is no lower
deep for him.
    I rather wished I had gone some other road. This was not the sort of
experience for a statesman to encounter who was planning out a peaceful
revolution in his mind. For it could not help bringing up the ungetaroundable
fact that, all gentle cant and philosophising to the contrary notwithstanding,
no people in this world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and
moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed,
must begin in blood, whatever may answer afterwards. If history teaches anything,
it teaches that. What this folk needed, then, was a Reign of Terror and a
guillotine, and I was the wrong man for them.
    Two days later, toward noon, Sandy began to show signs of excitement and
feverish expectancy. She said we were approaching the ogre's castle. I was
surprised into an uncomfortable shock. The object of our quest had gradually
dropped out of my mind; this sudden resurrection of it made it seem quite a real
and startling thing, for a moment, and roused up in me a smart interest. Sandy's
excitement increased every moment; and so did mine, for that sort of thing is
catching. My heart got to thumping. You can't reason with your heart; it has its
own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns. Presently, when
Sandy slid from the horse, motioned me to stop, and went creeping stealthily,
with her head bent nearly to her knees, toward a row of bushes that bordered a
declivity, the thumpings grew stronger and quicker. And they kept it up while
she was gaining her ambush and getting her glimpse over the declivity; and also
while I was creeping to her side on my knees. Her eyes were burning, now, as she
pointed with her finger, and said in a panting whisper -
    »The castle! the castle! Lo, where it looms!«
    What a welcome disappointment I experienced! I said -
    »Castle? It is nothing but a pig-sty; a pig-sty with a wattled fence around
it.«
    She looked surprised, and distressed. The animation faded out of her face;
and during many moments she was lost in thought, and silent. Then -
    »It was not enchanted aforetime,« she said, in a musing fashion, as if to
herself. »And how strange is this marvel, and how awful - that to the one
perception it is enchanted, and dight in a base and shameful aspect; yet to the
perception of the other it is not enchanted, hath suffered no change, but stands
fair and stately still, girt with its moat and waving its banners in the blue
air from its towers. And God shield us, how it pricks the heart to see again
these gracious captives, and the sorrow deepened in their sweet faces! We have
tarried long, and are to blame.«
    I saw my cue. The castle was enchanted to me, not to her. It would be wasted
time to try to argue her out of her delusion, it couldn't be done: I must just
humour it. So I said -
    »This is a common case - the enchanting of a thing to one eye and leaving it
in its proper form to another. You have heard of it before, Sandy, though you
haven't happened to experience it. But no harm is done. In fact it is lucky the
way it is. If these ladies were hogs to everybody and to themselves, it would be
necessary to break the enchantment, and that might be impossible if one failed
to find out the particular process of the enchantment. And hazardous, too; for
in attempting a disenchantment without the true key, you are liable to err, and
turn your hogs into dogs, and the dogs into cats, the cats into rats, and so-on,
and end by reducing your materials to nothing, finally, or to an odorless gas
which you can't follow - which of course amounts to the same thing. But here, by
good luck, no one's eyes but mine are under the enchantment, and so it is of no
consequence to dissolve it. These ladies remain ladies to you, and to
themselves, and to everybody else; and at the same time they will suffer in no
way from my delusion, for when I know that an ostensible hog is a lady, that is
enough for me: I know how to treat her.«
    »Thanks, oh sweet my lord, thou talkest like an angel. And I know that thou
wilt deliver them, for that thou art minded to great deeds and art as strong a
knight of your hands and as brave to will and to do, as any that is on live.«
    »I will not leave a princess in the sty, Sandy. Are those three yonder that
to my disordered eyes are starveling swineherds -«
    »The ogres? Are they changed also? It is most wonderful. Now am I fearful;
for how canst thou strike with sure aim when five of their nine cubits of
stature are to thee invisible? Ah, go warily, fair sir; this is a mightier
emprise than I wend.«
    »You be easy, Sandy. All I need to know is, how much of an ogre is
invisible; then I know how to locate his vitals. Don't you be afraid, I will
make short work of these bunco-steerers. Stay where you are.«
    I left Sandy kneeling there, corpse-faced but plucky and hopeful, and rode
down to the pig-sty, and struck up a trade with the swineherds. I won their
gratitude by buying out all the hogs at the lump sum of sixteen pennies, which
was rather above latest quotations. I was just in time; for the Church, the lord
of the manor, and the rest of the tax gatherers would have been along next day
and swept off pretty much all the stock, leaving the swineherds very short of
hogs and Sandy nearly out of princesses. But now the tax people could be paid in
cash, and there would be a stake left besides. One of the men had ten children;
and he said that last year when a priest came and of his ten pigs took the
fattest one for tithes, the wife burst out upon him, and offered him a child and
said -
    »Thou beast without bowels of mercy, why leave me my child, yet rob me of
the wherewithal to feed it?«
    How curious. The same thing had happened in the Wales of my day, under this
same old Established Church, which was supposed by many to have changed its
nature when it changed its disguise.
    I sent the three men away, and then opened the sty-gate and beckoned Sandy
to come - which she did; and not leisurely, but with the rush of a prairie-fire.
And when I saw her fling herself upon those hogs, with tears of joy running down
her cheeks, and strain them to her heart, and kiss them, and caress them, and
call them reverently by grand princely names, I was ashamed of her, ashamed of
the human race.
    We had to drive those hogs home - ten miles; and no ladies were ever more
fickle-minded or contrary. They would stay in no road, no path; they broke out
through the brush on all sides, and flowed away in all directions, over rocks,
and hills, and the roughest places they could find. And they must not be struck,
or roughly accosted; Sandy could not bear to see them treated in ways unbecoming
their rank. The troublesomest old sow of the lot had to be called my lady, and
your Highness, like the rest. It is annoying and difficult to scour around after
hogs, in armour. There was one small countess, with an iron ring in her snout and
hardly any hair on her back, that was the devil for perversity. She gave me a
race of an hour, over all sorts of country, and then we were right where we had
started from, having made not a rod of real progress. I seized her at last by
the tail, and brought her along, squealing. When I overtook Sandy, she was
horrified, and said it was in the last degree indelicate to drag a countess by
her train.
    We got the hogs home just at dark - most of them. The Princess Nerovens de
Morganore was missing, and two of her ladies in waiting: namely, Miss Angela
Bohun, and the Demoiselle Elaine Courtemains, the former of these two being a
young black sow with a white star in her forehead, and the latter a brown one
with thin legs, and a slight limp in the forward shank on the starboard side - a
couple of the try-ingest blisters to drive, that I ever saw. Also among the
missing were several mere baronesses - and I wanted them to stay missing; but
no, all that sausage-meat had to be found; so, servants were sent out with
torches to scour the woods and hills to that end.
    Of course the whole drove was housed in the house, and great guns! - well, I
never saw anything like it. Nor ever heard anything like it. And never smelt
anything like it. It was like an insurrection in a gasometer.
 

                                   Chapter 21

                                  The Pilgrims

When I did get to bed at last I was unspeakably tired; the stretching out, and
the relaxing of the long-tense muscles, how luxurious, how delicious! but that
was as far as I could get - sleep was out of the question, for the present. The
ripping and tearing and squealing of the nobility up and down the halls and
corridors was pandemonium come again, and kept me broad awake. Being awake, my
thoughts were busy, of course; and mainly they busied themselves with Sandy's
curious delusion. Here she was, as sane a person as the kingdom could produce;
and yet, from my point of view she was acting like a crazy woman. My land, the
power of training! of influence! of education! It can bring a body up to believe
anything. I had to put myself in Sandy's place to realize that she was not a
lunatic. Yes, and put her in mine, to demonstrate how easy it is to seem a
lunatic to a person who has not been taught as you have been taught. If I had
told Sandy I had seen a wagon, uninfluenced by enchantment, spin along fifty
miles an hour; had seen a man, unequipped with magic powers, get into a basket
and soar out of sight among the clouds; and had listened, without any
necromancer's help, to the conversation of a person who was several hundred
miles away, Sandy would not merely have supposed me to be crazy, she would have
thought she knew it. Everybody around her believed in enchantments; nobody had
any doubts; to doubt that a castle could be turned into a sty, and its occupants
into hogs, would have been the same as my doubting, among Connecticut people,
the actuality of the telephone and its wonders, - and in both cases would be
absolute proof of a diseased mind, an unsettled reason. Yes, Sandy was sane;
that must be admitted. If I also would be sane - to Sandy - I must keep my
superstitions about unenchanted and unmiraculous locomotives, balloons and
telephones, to myself. Also, I believed that the world was not flat, and hadn't
pillars under it to support it, nor a canopy over it to turn off a universe of
water that occupied all space above: but as I was the only person in the kingdom
afflicted with such impious and criminal opinions, I recognized that it would be
good wisdom to keep quiet about this matter, too, if I did not wish to be
suddenly shunned and forsaken by everybody as a madman.
    The next morning Sandy assembled the swine in the dining room and gave them
their breakfast, waiting upon them personally and manifesting in every way the
deep reverence which the natives of her island, ancient and modern, have always
felt for rank, let its outward casket and the mental and moral contents be what
they may. I could have eaten with the hogs if I had had birth approaching my
lofty official rank; but I hadn't, and so I accepted the unavoidable slight and
made no complaint. Sandy and I had our breakfast at the second table. The family
were not at home. I said:
    »How many are in the family, Sandy, and where do they keep themselves?«
    »Family?«
    »Yes.«
    »Which family, good my lord?«
    »Why, this family; your own family.«
    »Sooth to say, I understand you not. I have no family.«
    »No family? Why, Sandy, isn't this your home?«
    »Now how indeed might that be? I have no home.«
    »Well, then, whose house is this?«
    »Ah, wit you well I would tell you an I knew myself.«
    »Come - you don't even know these people? Then who invited us here?«
    »None invited us. We but came; that is all.«
    »Why, woman, this is a most extraordinary performance. The effrontery of it
is beyond admiration. We blandly march into a man's house, and cram it full of
the only really valuable nobility the sun has yet discovered in the earth, and
then it turns out that we don't even know the man's name. How did you ever
venture to take this extravagant liberty? I supposed, of course, it was your
home. What will the man say?«
    »What will he say? Forsooth what can he say but give thanks?«
    »Thanks for what?«
    Her face was filled with a puzzled surprise:
    »Verily thou troublest mine understanding with strange words. Do ye dream
that one of his estate is like to have the honour twice in his life to entertain
company such as we have brought to grace his house withal?«
    »Well, no - when you come to that. No, it's an even bet that this is the
first time he has had a treat like this.«
    »Then let him be thankful, and manifest the same by grateful speech and due
humility. He were a dog, else, and the heir and ancestor of dogs.«
    To my mind, the situation was uncomfortable. It might become more so. It
might be a good idea to muster the hogs and move on. So I said:
    »The day is wasting, Sandy. It is time to get the nobility together and be
moving.«
    »Wherefore, fair sir and Boss?«
    »We want to take them to their home, don't we?«
    »La, but list to him! They be of all the regions of the earth! Each must hie
to her own home; wend you we might do all these journeys in one so brief life as
He hath appointed that created life, and thereto death likewise with help of
Adam, who by sin done through persuasion of his helpmeet, she being wrought upon
and bewrayed by the beguilements of the great enemy of man, that serpent hight
Satan, aforetime consecrated and set apart unto that evil work by overmastering
spite and envy begotten in his heart through fell ambitions that did blight and
mildew a nature erst so white and pure when-so it hove with the shining
multitudes its brethren-born in glade and shade of that fair heaven wherein all
such as native be to that rich estate and -«
    »Great Scott!«
    »My lord?«
    »Well, you know, we haven't got time for this sort of thing. Don't you see,
we could distribute these people around the earth in less time than it is going
to take you to explain that we can't. We mustn't talk now, we must act. You want
to be careful; you mustn't let your mill get the start of you that way, at a
time like this. To business, now - and sharp's the word. Who is to take the
aristocracy home?«
    »Even their friends. These will come for them from the far parts of the
earth.«
    This was lightning from a clear sky, for unexpectedness; and the relief of
it was like pardon to a prisoner. She would remain to deliver the goods, of
course.
    »Well, then, Sandy, as our enterprise is handsomely and successfully ended,
I will go home and report; and if ever another one -«
    »I also am ready; I will go with thee.«
    This was recalling the pardon.
    »How? You will go with me? Why should you?«
    »Will I be traitor to my knight, dost think? That were dishonour. I may not
part from thee until in knightly encounter in the field some overmatching
champion shall fairly win and fairly wear me. I were to blame an I thought that
that might ever hap.«
    »Elected for the long term,« I sighed to myself. »I may as well make the
best of it.« So then I spoke up and said:
    »All right. Let us make a start.«
    While she was gone to cry her farewells over the pork, I gave that whole
peerage away to the servants. And I asked them to take a duster and dust around
a little where the nobilities had mainly lodged and promenaded, but they
considered that that would hardly be worth while, and would moreover be a rather
grave departure from custom, and therefore likely to make talk. A departure from
custom - that settled it; it was a nation capable of committing any crime but
that. The servants said they would follow the fashion, a fashion grown sacred
through immemorial observance: they would scatter fresh rushes in all the rooms
and halls, and then the evidences of the aristocratic visitation would be no
longer visible. It was a kind of satire on Nature; it was the scientific method,
the geologic method; it deposited the history of the family in a stratified
record; and the antiquary could dig through it and tell by the remains of each
period what changes of diet the family had introduced successively for a hundred
years.
    The first thing we struck that day was a procession of pilgrims. It was not
going our way, but we joined it nevertheless; for it was hourly being borne in
upon me, now, that if I would govern this country wisely, I must be posted in
the details of its life, and not at second hand but by personal observation and
scrutiny.
    This company of pilgrims resembled Chaucer's in this: that it had in it a
sample of about all the upper occupations and professions the country could
show, and a corresponding variety of costume. There were young men and old men,
young women and old women, lively folk and grave folk. They rode upon mules and
horses, and there was not a side saddle in the party; for this specialty was to
remain unknown in England for nine hundred years yet.
    It was a pleasant, friendly, sociable herd; pious, happy, merry, and full of
unconscious coarsenesses and innocent indecencies. What they regarded as the
merry tale went the continual round and caused no more embarrassment than it
would have caused in the best English society twelve centuries later. Practical
jokes worthy of the English wits of the first quarter of the far-off nineteenth
century were sprung here and there and yonder along the line, and compelled the
delightedest applause; and sometimes when a bright remark was made at one end of
the procession and started on its travels toward the other, you could note its
progress all the way by the sparkling spray of laughter it threw off from its
bows as it plowed along; and also by the blushes of the mules in its wake.
    Sandy knew the goal and purpose of this pilgrimage, and she posted me. She
said:
    »They journey to the Valley of Holiness, for to be blessed of the godly
hermits and drink of the miraculous waters and be cleansed from sin.«
    »Where is this watering place?«
    »It lieth a two day journey hence, by the borders of the land that hight the
Cuckoo Kingdom.«
    »Tell me about it. Is it a celebrated place?«
    »Oh, of a truth yes. There be none more so. Of old time there lived there an
Abbot and his monks. Belike were none in the world more holy than these; for
they gave themselves to study of pious books, and spoke not the one to the
other, or indeed to any, and ate decayed herbs and naught thereto, and slept
hard, and prayed much, and washed never; also they wore the same garment until
it fell from their bodies through age and decay. Right-so came they to be known
of all the world by reason of these holy austerities, and visited by rich and
poor, and reverenced.«
    »Proceed.«
    »But always there was lack of water there. Whereso, upon a time, the holy
Abbot prayed, and for answer a great stream of clear water burst forth by
miracle in a desert place. Now were the fickle monks tempted of the fiend, and
they wrought with their Abbot unceasingly by beggings and beseechings that he
would construct a bath; and when he was become aweary and might not resist more,
he said have ye your will, then, and granted that they asked. Now mark thou what
'tis to forsake the ways of purity the which He loveth, and wanton with such as
be worldly and an offence. These monks did enter into the bath and come thence
washed as white as snow; and lo, in that moment His sign appeared, in miraculous
rebuke! - for His insulted waters ceased to flow, and utterly vanished away.«
    »They fared mildly, Sandy, considering how that kind of crime is regarded in
this country.«
    »Belike; but it was their first sin; and they had been of perfect life for
long, and differing in naught from the angels. Prayers, tears, torturings of the
flesh, all was vain, to beguile that water to flow again. Even processions; even
burnt offerings; even votive candles to the Virgin did fail, every each of them;
and all in the land did marvel.«
    »How odd to find that even this industry has its financial panics, and at
times sees its assignats and greenbacks languish to zero, and everything come to
a standstill. Go on, Sandy.«
    »And so upon a time, after year and day, the good Abbot made humble
surrender and destroyed the bath. And behold, His anger was in that moment
appeased, and the waters gushed richly forth again, and even unto this day they
have not ceased to flow in that generous measure.«
    »Then I take it nobody has washed since.«
    »He that would essay it could have his halter free; yea, and swiftly would
he need it, too.«
    »The community has prospered since?«
    »Even from that very day. The fame of the miracle went abroad into all
lands. From every land came monks to join; they came even as the fishes come, in
shoals; and the monastery added building to building, and yet others to these,
and so spread wide its arms and took them in. And nuns came also; and more
again, and yet more; and built over against the monastery on the yon side of the
vale, and added building to building, until mighty was that nunnery. And these
were friendly unto those, and they joined their loving labours together and
together they built a fair great foundling asylum midway of the valley between.«
    »You spoke of some hermits, Sandy.«
    »These have gathered there from the ends of the earth. A hermit thriveth
best where there be multitudes of pilgrims. Ye shall not find no hermit of no
sort wanting. If any shall mention a hermit of a kind he thinketh new and not to
be found but in some far strange land, let him but scratch among the holes and
caves and swamps that line that Valley of Holiness, and whatsoever be his breed,
it skills not, he shall find a sample of it there.«
    I closed up alongside of a burly fellow with a fat good-humored face,
purposing to make myself agreeable and pick up some further crumbs of fact; but
I had hardly more than scraped acquaintance with him when he began eagerly and
awkwardly to lead up, in the immemorial way, to that same old anecdote - the one
Sir Dinadan told me, what time I got into trouble with Sir Sagramour and was
challenged of him on account of it. I excused myself, and dropped to the rear of
the procession, sad at heart, willing to go hence from this troubled life, this
vale of tears, this brief day of broken rest, of cloud and storm, of weary
struggle and monotonous defeat; and yet shrinking from the change, as
remembering how long eternity is, and how many have wended thither who know that
anecdote.
    Early in the afternoon we overtook another procession of pilgrims; but in
this one was no merriment, no jokes, no laughter, no playful ways, nor any happy
giddinesses, whether of youth or age. Yet both were here, both age and youth;
gray old men and women, strong men and women of middle age, young husbands,
young wives, little boys and girls, and three babes at the breast. Even the
children were smile-less; there was not a face among all these half a hundred
people but was cast down, and bore that set expression of hopelessness which is
bred of long and hard trials and old acquaintance with despair. They were
slaves. Chains led from their fettered feet and their manacled hands to a
sole-leather belt about their waists; and all except the children were also
linked together in a file, six feet apart, by a single chain which led from
collar to collar all down the line. They were on foot, and had tramped three
hundred miles in eighteen days, upon the cheapest odds and ends of food, and
stingy rations of that. They had slept in these chains every night, bundled
together like swine. They had upon their bodies some poor rags, but they could
not be said to be clothed. Their irons had chafed the skin from their ankles and
made sores which were ulcerated and wormy. Their naked feet were torn, and none
walked without a limp. Originally there had been a hundred of these
unfortunates, but about half had been sold on the trip. The trader in charge of
them rode a horse and carried a whip with a short handle and a long heavy lash
divided into several knotted tails at the end. With this whip he cut the
shoulders of any that tottered from weariness and pain, and straightened them
up. He did not speak; the whip conveyed his desire without that. None of these
poor creatures looked up as we rode along by; they showed no consciousness of
our presence. And they made no sound but one; that was the dull and awful clank
of their chains from end to end of the long file, as forty-three burdened feet
rose and fell in unison. The file moved in a cloud, of its own making.
    All these faces were gray with a coating of dust. One has seen the like of
this coating upon furniture in unoccupied houses, and has written his idle
thought in it with his finger. I was reminded of this when I noticed the faces
of some of those women, young mothers carrying babes that were near to death and
freedom, how a something in their hearts was written in the dust upon their
faces, plain to see, and lord how plain to read! for it was the track of tears.
One of these young mothers was but a girl, and it hurt me to the heart to read
that writing, and reflect that it was come up out of the breast of such a child,
a breast that ought not to know trouble yet, but only the gladness of the
morning of life; and no doubt -
    She reeled, just then, giddy with fatigue, and down came the lash and
flicked a flake of skin from her naked shoulder. It stung me as if I had been
hit instead. The master halted the file and jumped from his horse. He stormed
and swore at this girl, and said she had made annoyance enough with her
laziness, and as this was the last chance he should have, he would settle the
account now. She dropped on her knees and put up her hands and began to beg and
cry and implore, in a passion of terror, but the master gave no attention. He
snatched the child from her, and then made the men slaves who were chained
before and behind her throw her on the ground and hold her there and expose her
body; and then he laid on with his lash like a madman till her back was flayed,
she shrieking and struggling the while, piteously. One of the men who was
holding her turned away his face; and for this humanity he was reviled and
flogged.
    All our pilgrims looked on and commented - on the expert way in which the
whip was handled. They were too much hardened by life-long every-day familiarity
with slavery to notice that there was anything else in the exhibition that
invited comment. This was what slavery could do, in the way of ossifying what
one may call the superior lobe of human feeling; for these pilgrims were kind
hearted people, and they would not have allowed that man to treat a horse like
that.
    I wanted to stop the whole thing and set the slaves free, but that would not
do. I must not interfere too much and get myself a name for riding over the
country's laws and the citizens' rights roughshod. If I lived and prospered I
would be the death of slavery, that I was resolved upon; but I would try to fix
it so that when I became its executioner it should be by command of the nation.
    Just here was the wayside shop of a smith; and now arrived a landed
proprietor who had bought this girl a few miles back, deliverable here where her
irons could be taken off. They were removed; then there was a squabble between
the gentleman and the dealer as to which should pay the blacksmith. The moment
the girl was delivered from her irons, she flung herself, all tears and frantic
sobbings, into the arms of the slave who had turned away his face when she was
whipped. He strained her to his breast, and smothered her face and the child's
with kisses, and washed them with the rain of his tears. I suspected. I
inquired. Yes, I was right: it was husband and wife. They had to be torn apart
by force; the girl had to be dragged away, and she struggled and fought and
shrieked like one gone mad till a turn of the road hid her from sight; and even
after that, we could still make out the fading plaint of those receding shrieks.
And the husband and father, with his wife and child gone, never to be seen by
him again in life? - well, the look of him one might not bear at all, and so I
turned away; but I knew I should never get his picture out of my mind again, and
there it is to this day, to wring my heartstrings whenever I think of it.
    We put up at the inn in a village just at nightfall, and when I rose next
morning and looked abroad, I was ware where a knight came riding in the golden
glory of the new day, and recognized him for knight of mine - Sir Ozana le Cure
Hardy. He was in the gentlemen's furnishing line, and his missionarying
specialty was plug hats. He was clothed all in steel, in the beautifulest armour
of the time - up to where his helmet ought to have been; but he hadn't any
helmet, he wore a shiny stove-pipe hat, and was as ridiculous a spectacle as one
might want to see. It was another of my surreptitious schemes for extinguishing
knighthood by making it grotesque and absurd. Sir Ozana's saddle was hung about
with leather hat- and every time he overcame a wandering knight he swore him
into my service, and fitted him with a plug and made him wear it. I dressed and
ran down to welcome Sir Ozana and get his news.
    »How is trade?« I asked.
    »Ye will note that I have but these four left; yet were they sixteen whenas
I gat me from Camelot.«
    »Why, you have certainly done nobly, Sir Ozana. Where have you been foraging
of late?«
    »I am but now come from the Valley of Holiness, please you sir.«
    »I am pointed for that place myself. Is there anything stirring in the
monkery, more than common?«
    »By the mass ye may not question it! ... Give him good feed, boy, and stint
it not, an thou valuest thy crown; so get ye lightly to the stable and do even
as I bid ... Sir, it is parlous news I bring, and - be these pilgrims? Then ye
may not do better, good folk, than gather and hear the tale I have to tell, sith
it concerneth you, forasmuch as ye go to find that ye will not find, and seek
that ye will seek in vain, my life being hostage for my word, and my word and
message being these, namely: that a hap has happened whereof the like has not
been seen no more but once this two hundred year, which was the first and last
time that that said misfortune strake the holy valley in that form by
commandment of the Most High, whereto by reasons just and causes thereunto
contributing, wherein the matter -«
    »The miraculous fount hath ceased to flow!« This shout burst from twenty
pilgrim mouths at once.
    »Ye say well, good people. I was verging to it, even when ye spoke.«
    »Has somebody been washing again?«
    »Nay, it is suspected, but none believe it. It is thought to be some other
sin, but none wit what.«
    »How are they feeling about the calamity?«
    »None may describe it in words. The fount is these nine days dry. The
prayers that did begin then, and the lamentations in sackcloth and ashes, and
the holy processions, none of these have ceased nor night nor day; and so the
monks and the nuns and the foundlings be all exhausted, and do hang up prayers
writ upon parchment, sith that no strength is left in man to lift up voice. And
at last they sent for thee, Sir Boss, to try magic and enchantment; and if you
could not come, then was the messenger to fetch Merlin, and he is there these
three days, now, and saith he will fetch that water though he burst the globe
and wreck its kingdoms to accomplish it; and right bravely doth he work his
magic and call upon his hellions to hie them hither and help, but not a whiff of
moisture hath he started yet, even so much as might qualify as mist upon a
copper mirror an ye count not the barrel of sweat he sweateth betwixt sun and
sun over the dire labours of his task; and if ye -«
    Breakfast was ready. As soon as it was over I showed to Sir Ozana these
words, which I had written on the inside of his hat: »Chemical Department,
Laboratory Extension, Section G, Pxxp. Send two of first size, two of No. 3, and
six of No. 4, together with the proper complementary details - and two of my
trained assistants.« And I said:
    »Now get you to Camelot as fast as you can fly, brave knight, and show the
writing to Clarence, and tell him to have these required matters in the Valley
of Holiness with all possible dispatch.«
    »I will well, Sir Boss,« and he was off.
 

                                   Chapter 22

                               The Holy Fountain

The pilgrims were human beings. Otherwise they would have acted differently.
They had come a long and difficult journey, and now when the journey was nearly
finished, and they learned that the main thing they had come for had ceased to
exist, they didn't do as horses or cats or angleworms would probably have done -
turn back and get at something profitable - no, anxious as they had before been
to see the miraculous fountain, they were as much as forty times as anxious now
to see the place where it had used to be. There is no accounting for human
beings.
    We made good time; and a couple of hours before sunset we stood upon the
high confines of the Valley of Holiness and our eyes swept it from end to end
and noted its features. That is, its large features. These were the three masses
of buildings. They were distant and isolated temporalities shrunken to toy
constructions in the lonely wastes of what seemed a desert - and was. Such a
scene is always mournful, it is so impressively still, and looks so steeped in
death. But there was a sound here which interrupted the stillness only to add to
its mournfulness; this was the faint far sound of tolling bells which floated
fitfully to us on the passing breeze, and so faintly, so softly, that we hardly
knew whether we heard it with our ears or with our spirits.
    We reached the monastery before dark, and there the males were given
lodging, but the women were sent over to the nunnery. The bells were close at
hand, now, and their solemn booming smote upon the ear like a message of doom. A
superstitious despair possessed the heart of every monk and published itself in
his ghastly face. Everywhere, these black-robed, soft-sandaled, tallow-visaged
spectres appeared, flitted about, and disappeared, noiseless as the creatures of
a troubled dream, and as uncanny.
    The old Abbot's joy to see me was pathetic. Even to tears; but he did the
shedding himself. He said:
    »Delay not, son, but get to thy saving work. An we bring not the water back
again, and soon, we are ruined, and the good work of two hundred years must end.
And see thou do it with enchantments that be holy, for the Church will not
endure that work in her cause be done by devil's magic.«
    »When I work, Father, be sure there will be no devil's work connected with
it. I shall use no arts that come of the devil, and no elements not created by
the hand of God. But is Merlin working strictly on pious lines?«
    »Ah, he said he would, my son, he said he would, and took oath to make his
promise good.«
    »Well, in that case, let him proceed.«
    »But surely you will not sit idle by, but help?«
    »It will not answer to mix methods, Father; neither would it be professional
courtesy. Two of a trade must not under-bid each other. We might as well cut
rates and be done with it; it would arrive at that in the end. Merlin has the
contract; no other magician can touch it till he throws it up.«
    »But I will take it from him; it is a terrible emergency and the act is
thereby justified. And if it were not so, who will give law to the Church? The
Church giveth law to all; and what she wills to do, that she may do, hurt whom
it may. I will take it from him; you shall begin upon the moment.«
    »It may not be, Father. No doubt, as you say, where power is supreme, one
can do as one likes and suffer no injury; but we poor magicians are not so
situated. Merlin is a very good magician in a small way, and has a quite neat
provincial reputation. He is struggling along, doing the best he can, and it
would not be etiquette for me to take his job until he himself abandons it.«
    The Abbot's face lighted.
    »Ah, that is simple. There are ways to persuade him to abandon it.«
    »No-no, Father, it skills not, as these people say. If he were persuaded
against his will, he would load that well with a malicious enchantment which
would balk me until I found out its secret. It might take a month. I could set
up a little enchantment of mine which I call the telephone, and he could not
find out its secret in a hundred years. Yes, you perceive, he might block me for
a month. Would you like to risk a month in a dry time like this?«
    »A month! The mere thought of it maketh me to shudder. Have it thy way, my
son. But my heart is heavy with this disappointment. Leave me, and let me wear
my spirit with weariness and waiting, even as I have done these ten long days,
counterfeiting thus the thing that is called rest, the prone body making outward
sign of repose where inwardly is none.«
    Of course it would have been best, all round, for Merlin to waive etiquette,
and quit and call it half a day, since he would never be able to start that
water, for he was a true magician of the time: which is to say, the big
miracles, the ones that gave him his reputation, always had the luck to be
performed when nobody but Merlin was present; he couldn't start this well with
all this crowd around to see; a crowd was as bad for a magician's miracle in
that day as it was for a spiritualist's miracle in mine: there was sure to be
some skeptic on hand to turn up the gas at the crucial moment and spoil
everything. But I did not want Merlin to retire from the job until I was ready
to take hold of it effectively myself; and I could not do that until I got my
things from Camelot, and that would take two or three days.
    My presence gave the monks hope, and cheered them up a good deal; insomuch
that they ate a square meal that night for the first time in ten days. As soon
as their stomachs had been properly reinforced with food, their spirits began to
rise fast; when the mead began to go round, they rose faster. By the time
everybody was half-seas over, the holy community was in good shape to make a
night of it; so we stayed by the board and put it through on that line. Matters
got to be very jolly. Good old questionable stories were told that made the
tears run down and cavernous mouths stand wide and the round bellies shake with
laughter; and questionable songs were bellowed out in a mighty chorus that
drowned the boom of the tolling bells.
    At last I ventured a story myself; and vast was the success of it. Not right
off, of course, for the native of those islands does not as a rule dissolve upon
the early applications of a humorous thing; but the fifth time I told it, they
began to crack in places; the eighth time I told it, they began to crumble; at
the twelfth repetition they fell apart in chunks; and at the fifteenth they
disintegrated, and I got a broom and swept them up. This language is figurative.
Those islanders - well, they are slow pay, at first, in the matter of return for
your investment of effort, but in the end they make the pay of all other nations
poor and small by contrast.
    I was at the well next day betimes. Merlin was there, enchanting away like a
beaver, but not raising the moisture. He was not in a pleasant humour; and every
time I hinted that perhaps this contract was a shade too hefty for a novice he
unlimbered his tongue and cursed like a bishop - French bishop of the Regency
days, I mean.
    Matters were about as I expected to find them. The fountain was an ordinary
well, it had been dug in the ordinary way, and stoned up in the ordinary way.
There was no miracle about it. Even the lie that had created its reputation was
not miraculous; I could have told it myself, with one hand tied behind me. The
well was in a dark chamber which stood in the centre of a cut stone chapel,
whose walls were hung with pious pictures, of a workmanship that would have made
a chromo feel good; pictures historically commemorative of curative miracles
which had been achieved by the waters when nobody was looking. That is, nobody
but angels: they are always on deck when there is a miracle to the fore - so as
to get put in the picture, perhaps. Angels are as fond of that as a fire
company; look at the old masters. The well-chamber was dimly lighted by lamps;
the water was drawn with a windlass and chain, by monks, and poured into troughs
which delivered it into stone reservoirs outside, in the chapel - when there was
water to draw, I mean - and none but monks could enter the well-chamber. I
entered it, for I had temporary authority to do so, by courtesy of my
professional brother and subordinate. But he hadn't entered it himself. He did
everything by incantations; he never worked his intellect. If he had stepped in
there and used his eyes, instead of his disordered mind, he could have cured the
well by natural means, and then turned it into a miracle in the customary way;
but no, he was an old numskull; a magician who believed in his own magic; and no
magician can thrive who is handicapped with a superstition like that.
    I had an idea that the well had sprung a leak; that some of the wall stones
near the bottom had fallen in and exposed fissures that allowed the water to
escape. I measured the chain - 98 feet. Then I called in a couple of monks,
locked the door, took a candle, and made them lower me in the bucket. When the
chain was all paid out, the candle confirmed my suspicion; a considerable
section of the wall was gone, exposing a good big fissure.
    I almost regretted that my theory about the well's trouble was correct,
because I had another one that had a showy point or two about it for a miracle.
I remembered that in America, many centuries later, when an oil well ceased to
flow, they used to blast it out with a dynamite torpedo. If I should find this
well dry, and no explanation of it, I could astonish these people most nobly by
having a person of no especial value drop a dynamite bomb into it. It was my
idea to appoint Merlin. However, it was plain that there was no occasion for the
bomb. One cannot have everything the way he would like it. A man has no business
to be depressed by a disappointment, anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get
even. That is what I did. I said to myself, I am in no hurry, I can wait; that
bomb will come good, yet. And it did, too.
    When I was above ground again, I turned out the monks, and let down a
fish-line: the well was a hundred and fifty feet deep, and there was forty-one
feet of water in it! I called in a monk and asked:
    »How deep is the well?«
    »That, sir, I wit not, having never been told.«
    »How does the water usually stand in it?«
    »Near to the top, these two centuries, as the testimony goeth, brought down
to us through our predecessors.«
    It was true - as to recent times at least - for there was witness to it, and
better witness than a monk: only about twenty or thirty feet of the chain showed
wear and use, the rest of it was unworn and rusty. What had happened when the
well gave out that other time? Without doubt some practical person had come
along and mended the leak, and then had come up and told the Abbot he had
discovered by divination that if the sinful bath were destroyed the well would
flow again. The leak had befallen again, now, and these children would have
prayed, and processioned, and tolled their bells for heavenly succor till they
all dried up and blew away, and no innocent of them all would ever have thought
to drop a fish-line into the well or go down in it and find out what was really
the matter. Old habit of mind is one of the toughest things to get away from in
the world. It transmits itself like physical form and feature; and for a man, in
those days, to have had an idea that his ancestors hadn't had, would have
brought him under suspicion of being illegitimate. I said to the monk:
    »It is a difficult miracle to restore water in a dry well, but we will try,
if my brother Merlin fails. Brother Merlin is a very passable artist, but only
in the parlour-magic line, and he may not succeed; in fact is not likely to
succeed. But that should be nothing to his discredit; the man that can do this
kind of miracle knows enough to keep hotel.«
    »Hotel? I mind not to have heard -«
    »Of hotel? It's what you call hostel. The man that can do this miracle can
keep hostel. I can do this miracle; I shall do this miracle; yet I do not try to
conceal from you that it is a miracle to tax the occult powers to the last
strain.«
    »None knoweth that truth better than the brotherhood, indeed; for it is of
record that aforetime it was parlous difficult, and took a year. Natheless, God
send you good success, and to that end will we pray.«
    As a matter of business it was a good idea to get the notion around that the
thing was difficult. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of
advertising. That monk was filled up with the difficulty of this enterprise; he
would fill up the others. In two days the solicitude would be booming.
    On my way home at noon, I met Sandy. She had been sampling the hermits. I
said:
    »I would like to do that myself. This is Wednesday. Is there a matinée?«
    »A which, please you sir?«
    »Matinée. Do they keep open, afternoons?«
    »Who?«
    »The hermits, of course.«
    »Keep open?«
    »Yes - keep open. Isn't that plain enough? Do they knock off at noon?«
    »Knock off?«
    »Knock off? - yes, knock off. What is the matter with knock off? I never saw
such a dunderhead; can't you understand anything at all? In plain terms, do they
shut up shop, draw the game, bank the fires -«
    »Shut up shop, draw -«
    »There, never mind, let it go; you make me tired. You can't seem to
understand the simplest thing.«
    »I would I might please thee, sir, and it is to me dole and sorrow that I
fail, albeit sith I am but a simple damsel and taught of none, being from the
cradle unbaptized in those deep waters of learning that do anoint with a
sovereignty him that partaketh of that most noble sacrament, investing him with
reverend state to the mental eye of the humble mortal who, by bar and lack of
that great consecration seeth in his own unlearned estate but a symbol of that
other sort of lack and loss which men do publish to the pitying eye with
sackcloth trappings whereon the ashes of grief do lie bepowdered and bestrewn,
and so, when such shall in the darkness of his mind encounter these golden
phrases of high mystery, these shut-up shops, and draw the game, and bank the
fires, it is but by the grace of God that he burst not for envy of the mind that
can beget, and tongue that can deliver so great and mellow-sounding miracles of
speech, and if there do ensue confusion in that humbler mind, and failure to
divine the meanings of these wonders, then if so be this miscomprehension is not
vain but sooth and true, wit ye well it is the very substance of worshipful dear
homage and may not lightly be misprized, nor had been, an ye had noted this
complexion of my mood and mind and understood that that I would I could not, and
that I could not I might not, nor yet nor might nor could, nor might-not nor
could-not, might be by advantage turned to the desired would, and so I pray you
mercy of my fault, and that ye will of your kindness and your charity forgive
it, good my master and most dear lord.«
    I couldn't make it all out - that is, the details - but I got the general
idea; and enough of it, too, to be ashamed. It was not fair to spring those
nineteenth-century technicalities upon the untutored infant of the sixth, and
then rail at her because she couldn't get their drift; and when she was making
the honest best drive at it she could, too, and no fault of hers that she
couldn't fetch the home-plate; and so I apologized. Then we meandered pleasantly
away toward the hermit-holes in sociable converse together, and better friends
than ever.
    I was gradually coming to have a mysterious and shuddery reverence for this
girl; for nowadays, whenever she pulled out from the station and got her train
fairly started on one of those horizonless trans-continental sentences of hers,
it was borne in upon me that I was standing in the awful presence of the Mother
of the German Language. I was so impressed with this, that sometimes when she
began to empty one of these sentences on me I unconsciously took the very
attitude of reverence, and stood uncovered; and if words had been water, I had
been drowned, sure. She had exactly the German way: whatever was in her mind to
be delivered, whether a mere remark, or a sermon, or a cyclopedia, or the
history of a war, she would get it into a single sentence or die. Whenever the
literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of
him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his
mouth.
    We drifted from hermit to hermit all the afternoon. It was a most strange
menagerie. The chief emulation among them seemed to be, to see which could
manage to be the uncleanest, and most prosperous with vermin. Their manner and
attitudes were the last expression of complacent self-righteousness. It was one
anchorite's pride to lie naked in the mud and let the insects bite him and
blister him unmolested; it was another's to lean against a rock, all day long,
conspicuous to the admiration of the throng of pilgrims, and pray; it was
another's to go naked, and crawl around on all fours; it was another's to drag
about with him, year in and year out, eighty pounds of iron; it was another's to
never lie down when he slept, but to stand among the thorn-bushes and snore when
there were pilgrims around to look; a woman, who had the white hair of age, and
no other apparel, was black from crown to heel with forty-seven years of holy
abstinence from water. Groups of gazing pilgrims stood around all and every of
these strange objects, lost in reverent wonder, and envious of the fleckless
sanctity which these pious austerities had won for them from an exacting heaven.
    By and by we went to see one of the supremely great ones. He was a mighty
celebrity; his fame had penetrated all Christendom; the noble and the renowned
journeyed from the remotest lands on the globe to pay him reverence. His stand
was in the centre of the widest part of the valley; and it took all that space
to hold his crowds.
    His stand was a pillar sixty feet high, with a broad platform on the top of
it. He was now doing what he had been doing every day for twenty years up there
- bowing his body ceaselessly and rapidly almost to his feet. It was his way of
praying. I timed him with a stopwatch, and he made 1244 revolutions in 24
minutes and 46 seconds. It seemed a pity to have all this power going to waste.
It was one of the most useful motions in mechanics, the pedal-movement; so I
made a note in my memorandum-book, purposing some day to apply a system of
elastic cords to him and run a sewing machine with it. I afterwards carried out
that scheme, and got five years' good service out of him; in which time he
turned out upwards of eighteen thousand first-rate tow-linen shirts, which was
ten a day. I worked him Sundays and all; he was going, Sundays, the same as
week-days, and it was no use to waste the power. These shirts cost me nothing
but just the mere trifle for the materials - I furnished those myself, it would
not have been right to make him do that - and they sold like smoke to pilgrims
at a dollar and a half apiece, which was the price of fifty cows or a blooded
race-horse in Arthurdom. They were regarded as a perfect protection against sin,
and advertised as such by my knights everywhere, with the paint-pot and
stencil-plate; insomuch that there was not a cliff or a boulder or a dead-wall
in England but you could read on it at a mile distance:
    »Buy the Only Genuine St. Stylite; patronized by all the Nobility. Patent
applied for.«
    There was more money in the business than one knew what to do with. As it
extended, I brought out a line of goods suitable for kings, and a nobby thing
for duchesses and that sort, with ruffles down the fore-hatch, and the
running-gear clewed up with a feather- to leeward, and then hauled aft with a
backstay and triced up with a half-turn in the standing rigging forward of the
weather gaskets. Yes, it was a daisy.
    But about that time I noticed that the motive power had taken to standing on
one leg, and I found that there was something the matter with the other one; so
I stocked the business and unloaded, taking Sir Bors de Ganis into camp
financially along with certain of his friends: for the works stopped within a
year, and the good saint got him to his rest. But he had earned it. I can say
that for him.
    When I saw him that first time - however, his personal condition will not
quite bear description here. You can read it in the Lives of the Saints.4
 

                                   Chapter 23

                          Restoration of the Fountain

Saturday noon I went to the well and looked on a while. Merlin was still burning
smoke-powders, and pawing the air, and muttering gibberish as hard as ever, but
looking pretty down-hearted, for of course he had not started even a
perspiration in that well yet. Finally I said:
    »How does the thing promise by this time, partner?«
    »Behold, I am even now busied with trial of the powerfulest enchantment
known to the princes of the occult arts in the lands of the East; an it fail me,
naught can avail. Peace, until I finish.«
    He raised a smoke this time that darkened all the region, and must have made
matters uncomfortable for the hermits, for the wind was their way, and it rolled
down over their dens in a dense and billowy fog. He poured out volumes of speech
to match, and contorted his body and sawed the air with his hands in a most
extraordinary way. At the end of twenty minutes he dropped down panting, and
about exhausted. Now arrived the Abbot and several hundred monks and nuns, and
behind them a multitude of pilgrims and a couple of acres of foundlings, all
drawn by the prodigious smoke, and all in a grand state of excitement. The Abbot
inquired anxiously for results. Merlin said:
    »If any labour of mortal might break the spell that binds these waters, this
which I have but just essayed had done it. It has failed; whereby I do now know
that that which I had feared is a truth established; the sign of this failure
is, that the most potent spirit known to the magicians of the East, and whose
name none may utter and live, has laid his spell upon this well. The mortal does
not breathe, nor ever will, who can penetrate the secret of that spell, and
without that secret none can break it. The water will flow no more forever, good
Father. I have done what man could. Suffer me to go.«
    Of course this threw the Abbot into a good deal of a consternation. He
turned to me with the signs of it in his face, and said:
    »Ye have heard him. Is it true?«
    »Part of it is.«
    »Not all, then, not all! What part is true?«
    »That that spirit with the Russian name has put his spell upon the well.«
    »God's wownds, then are we ruined!«
    »Possibly.«
    »But not certainly? Ye mean, not certainly?«
    »That is it.«
    »Wherefore, ye also mean that when he saith none can break the spell -«
    »Yes, when he says that, he says what isn't necessarily true. There are
conditions under which an effort to break it may have some chance - that is,
some small, some triffling chance - of success.«
    »The conditions -«
    »Oh, they are nothing difficult. Only these; I want the well and the
surroundings for the space of half a mile, entirely to myself from sunset to-day
until I remove the ban - and nobody allowed to cross the ground but by my
authority.«
    »Are these all?«
    »Yes.«
    »And you have no fear to try?«
    »Oh, none. One may fail, of course; and one may also succeed. One can try,
and I am ready to chance it. I have my conditions?«
    »These and all others ye may name. I will issue commandment to that effect.«
    »Wait,« said Merlin, with an evil smile. »Ye wit that he that would break
this spell must know that spirit's name?«
    »Yes. I know his name.«
    »And wit you also that to know it skills not of itself, but ye must likewise
pronounce it? Ha-ha! Knew ye that?«
    »Yes, I knew that, too.«
    »You had that knowledge! Art a fool? Are ye minded to utter that name and
die?«
    »Utter it? Why certainly. I would utter it if it was Welsh.«
    »Ye are even a dead man, then; and I go to tell Arthur.«
    »That's all right. Take your gripsack and get along. The thing for you to do
is to go home and work the weather, John W. Merlin.«
    It was a home shot, and it made him wince; for he was the worst
weather-failure in the kingdom. Whenever he ordered up the danger-signals along
the coast there was a week's dead calm, sure, and every time he prophesied fair
weather it rained brickbats. But I kept him in the weather bureau right along,
to undermine his reputation. However, that shot raised his bile, and instead of
starting home to report my death, he said he would remain and enjoy it.
    My two experts arrived in the evening, and pretty well fagged, for they had
travelled double tides. They had pack-mules along, and had brought everything I
needed - tools, pump, lead pipe, Greek fire, sheaves of big rockets, roman
candles, coloured-fire sprays, electric apparatus, and a lot of sundries -
everything necessary for the stateliest kind of a miracle. They got their supper
and a nap, and about midnight we sallied out through a solitude so wholly vacant
and complete that it quite overpassed the required conditions. We took
possession of the well and its surroundings. My boys were experts in all sorts
of things, from the stoning up of a well to the constructing of a mathematical
instrument. An hour before sunrise we had that leak mended in a ship-shape
fashion, and the water began to rise. Then we stowed our fireworks in the
chapel, locked up the place, and went home to bed.
    Before the noon mass was over, we were at the well again; for there was a
deal to do, yet, and I was determined to spring the miracle before midnight, for
business reasons: for whereas a miracle worked for the Church on a week-day is
worth a good deal, it is worth six times as much if you get it in on a Sunday.
In nine hours the water had risen to its customary level; that is to say, it was
within twenty-three feet of the top. We put in a little iron pump, one of the
first turned out by my works near the capital; we bored into a stone reservoir
which stood against the outer wall of the well-chamber, and inserted a section
of lead pipe that was long enough to reach to the door of the chapel and project
beyond the threshold, where the gushing water would be visible to the 250 acres
of people I was intending should be present on the flat plain in front of this
little holy hillock at the proper time.
    We knocked the head out of an empty hogshead and hoisted this hogshead to
the flat roof of the chapel, where we clamped it down fast, poured in gunpowder
till it lay loosely an inch deep on the bottom, then we stood-up rockets in the
hogshead as thick as they could loosely stand, all the different breeds of
rockets there are; and they made a portly and imposing sheaf, I can tell you. We
grounded the wire of a pocket electrical battery in that powder; we placed a
noble magazine of Greek fire on each corner of the roof - blue on one corner,
green on another, red on another, and purple on the last, and grounded a wire in
each.
    About two hundred yards off, in the flat, we built a pen of scantlings about
four feet high, and laid planks on it, and so made a platform. We covered it
with swell tapestries borrowed for the occasion, and topped it off with the
Abbot's own throne. When you are going to do a miracle for an ignorant race, you
want to get in every detail that will count; you want to make all the properties
impressive to the public eye; you want to make matters comfortable for your head
guest; then you can turn yourself loose and play your effects for all they are
worth. I know the value of these things, for I know human nature. You can't
throw too much style into a miracle. It costs trouble, and work, and sometimes
money; but it pays in the end. Well, we brought the wires to the ground at the
chapel, and then brought them under ground to the platform, and hid the
batteries there. We put a rope fence a hundred feet square around the platform
to keep off the common multitude, and that finished the work. My idea was, doors
open at 10.30, performance to begin at 11.25 sharp. I wished I could charge
admission, but of course that wouldn't answer. I instructed my boys to be in the
chapel as early as 10, before anybody was around, and be ready to man the pump
at the proper time, and make the fur fly. Then we went home to supper.
    The news of the disaster to the well had travelled far, by this time; and now
for two or three days a steady avalanche of people had been pouring into the
valley. The lower end of the valley was become one huge camp; we should have a
good house, no question about that. Criers went the rounds early in the evening
and announced the coming attempt, which put every pulse up to fever heat. They
gave notice that the Abbot and his official suite would move in state and occupy
the platform at 10.30, up to which time all the region which was under my ban
must be clear; the bells would then cease from tolling, and this sign should be
permission to the multitude to close in and take their places.
    I was at the platform and all ready to do the honours when the Abbot's solemn
procession hove in sight - which it did not do till it was nearly to the rope
fence, because it was a starless black night and no torches permitted. With it
came Merlin, and took a front seat on the platform; he was as good as his word,
for once. One could not see the multitudes banked together beyond the ban, but
they were there, just the same. The moment the bells stopped, those banked
masses broke and poured over the line like a vast black wave, and for as much as
a half hour it continued to flow, and then it solidified itself, and you could
have walked upon a pavement of human heads to - well, miles.
    We had a solemn stage-wait, now, for about twenty minutes - a thing I had
counted on for effect; it is always good to let your audience have a chance to
work up its expectancy. At length, out of the silence a noble Latin chant -
men's voices - broke, and swelled up and rolled away into the night, a majestic
tide of melody. I had put that up, too, and it was one of the best effects I
ever invented. When it was finished I stood up on the platform, and extended my
hands abroad for two minutes, with my face uplifted - that always produces a
dead hush - and then slowly pronounced this ghastly word, with a kind of
awfulness which caused hundreds to tremble, and many women to faint:
 
Just as I was moaning out the closing hunks of that word, I touched off one of
my electric connections, and all that murky world of people stood revealed in a
hideous blue glare! It was immense - that effect! Lots of people shrieked, women
curled up and quit in every direction, foundlings collapsed by platoons. The
Abbot and the monks crossed themselves nimbly and their lips fluttered with
agitated prayers. Merlin held his grip, but he was astonished, clear down to his
corns; he had never seen anything to begin with that, before. Now was the time
to pile in the effects. I lifted my hands and groaned out this word - as it
were, in agony -
 
- and turned on the red fire! You should have heard that Atlantic of people moan
and howl when that crimson hell joined the blue! After sixty seconds I shouted -
 
- and lit up the green fire! After waiting only forty seconds, this time, I
spread my arms abroad and thundered out the devastating syllables of this word
of words -
 
- and whirled on the purple glare! There they were, all going at once, red,
blue, green, purple! - four furious volcanoes pouring vast clouds of radiant
smoke aloft, and spreading a blinding rainbowed noonday to the furthest confines
of that valley. In the distance one could see that fellow on the pillar standing
rigid against the background of sky, his see-saw stopped for the first time in
twenty years. I knew the boys were at the pump, now, and ready. So I said to the
Abbot:
    »The time is come, Father. I am about to pronounce the dread name and
command the spell to dissolve. You want to brace up, and take hold of
something.« Then I shouted to the people: »Behold, in another minute the spell
will be broken, or no mortal can break it. If it break, all will know it, for
you will see the sacred water gush from the chapel door!« I stood a few moments,
to let the hearers have a chance to spread my announcement to those who couldn't
hear, and so convey it to the furthest ranks, then I made a grand exhibition of
extra posturing and gesturing, and shouted:
    »Lo, I command the fell spirit that possesses the holy fountain to now
disgorge into the skies all the infernal fires that still remain in him, and
straightway dissolve his spell and flee hence to the pit, there to lie bound a
thousand years. By his own dread name I command it - BGWJJILLIGKKK!«
    Then I touched off the hogshead of rockets, and a vast fountain of dazzling
lances of fire vomited itself toward the zenith with a hissing rush, and burst
in mid-sky into a storm of flashing jewels! One mighty groan of terror started
up from the massed people - then suddenly broke into a wild hosannah of joy -
for there, fair and plain in the uncanny glare, they saw the freed water leaping
forth! The old Abbot could not speak a word, for tears and the chokings in his
throat; without utterance of any sort, he folded me in his arms and mashed me.
It was more eloquent than speech. And harder to get over, too, in a country
where there were really no doctors that were worth a damaged nickel.
    You should have seen those acres of people throw themselves down in that
water and kiss it; kiss it, and pet it, and fondle it, and talk to it as if it
were alive, and welcome it back with the dear names they gave their darlings,
just as if it had been a friend who was long gone away and lost, and was come
home again. Yes, it was pretty to see, and made me think more of them than I had
done before.
    I sent Merlin home on a shutter. He had caved in and gone down like a
landslide when I pronounced that fearful name, and had never come to since. He
never had heard that name before, - neither had I - but to him it was the right
one; any jumble would have been the right one. He admitted, afterwards, that that
spirit's own mother could not have pronounced that name better than I did. He
never could understand how I survived it, and I didn't tell him. It is only
young magicians that give away a secret like that. Merlin spent three months
working enchantments to try to find out the deep trick of how to pronounce that
name and outlive it. But he didn't arrive.
    When I started to the chapel, the populace uncovered and fell back
reverently to make a wide way for me, as if I had been some kind of a superior
being - and I was. I was aware of that. I took along a night-shift of monks, and
taught them the mystery of the pump, and set them to work, for it was plain that
a good part of the people out there were going to sit up with the water all
night, consequently it was but right that they should have all they wanted of
it. To those monks, that pump was a good deal of a miracle itself, and they were
full of wonder over it; and of admiration, too, of the exceeding effectiveness
of its performance.
    It was a great night, an immense night. There was reputation in it. I could
hardly get to sleep for glorying over it.
 

                                   Chapter 24

                                A Rival Magician

My influence in the Valley of Holiness was something prodigious, now. It seemed
worthwhile to try to turn it to some valuable account. The thought came to me
the next morning, and was suggested by my seeing one of my knights who was in
the soap line come riding in. According to history, the monks of this place two
centuries before, had been worldly minded enough to want to wash. It might be
that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still remaining. So I sounded a
Brother:
    »Wouldn't you like a bath?«
    He shuddered at the thought - the thought of the peril of it to the well -
but he said with feeling:
    »One needs not to ask that of a poor body who has not known that blessed
refreshment sith that he was a boy. Would God I might wash me! but it may not
be, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden.«
    And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I was resolved he should
have at least one layer of his real estate removed, if it sized up my whole
influence and bankrupted the pile. So I went to the Abbot and asked for a permit
for this Brother. He blenched at the idea - I don't mean that you could see him
blench, for of course you couldn't see it without you scraped him, and I didn't
care enough about it to scrape him, but I knew the blench was there, just the
same, and within a book-cover's thickness of the surface, too - blenched and
trembled. He said:
    »Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine, and freely granted out
of a grateful heart - but this, oh, this! Would you drive away the blessed water
again?«
    »No, Father, I will not drive it away. I have mysterious knowledge which
teaches me that there was an error that other time when it was thought the
instituting of the bath banished the fountain.« A large interest began to show
up in the old man's face. »My knowledge informs me that the bath was innocent of
that misfortune, which was caused by quite another sort of sin.«
    »These are brave words - but - but right welcome, if they be true.«
    »They are true, indeed. Let me build the bath again, Father. Let me build it
again, and the fountain shall flow forever.«
    »You promise this? - you promise it? Say the word - say you promise it!«
    »I do promise it.«
    »Then will I have the first bath myself! Go - get ye to your work. Tarry
not, tarry not, but go.«
    I and my boys were at work, straight off. The ruins of the old bath were
there yet, in the basement of the monastery, not a stone missing. They had been
left just so, all these life-times, and avoided with a pious fear, as things
accursed. In two days we had it all done and the water in - a spacious pool of
clear pure water that a body could swim in. It was running water, too. It came
in, and went out, through the ancient pipes. The old Abbot kept his word and was
the first to try it. He went down black and shaky, leaving the whole black
community above troubled and worried and full of bodings; but he came back white
and joyful, and the game was made! another triumph scored.
    It was a good campaign that we made in that Valley of Holiness, and I was
very well satisfied, and ready to move on, now, but I struck a disappointment. I
caught a heavy cold, and it started up an old lurking rheumatism of mine. Of
course the rheumatism hunted up my weakest place and located itself there. This
was the place where the Abbot put his arms about me and mashed me, what time he
was moved to testify his gratitude to me with an embrace.
    When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But everybody was full of attentions
and kindnesses, and these brought cheer back into my life and were the right
medicine to help a convalescent swiftly up toward health and strength again; so
I gained fast.
    Sandy was worn out with nursing, so I made up my mind to turn out and go a
cruise alone, leaving her at the nunnery to rest up. My idea was to disguise
myself as a freeman of peasant degree and wander through the country a week or
two on foot. This would give me a chance to eat and lodge with the lowliest and
poorest class of free citizens on equal terms. There was no other way to inform
myself perfectly of their every-day life and the operation of the laws upon it.
If I went among them as a gentleman, there would be restraints and
conventionalities which would shut me out from their private joys and troubles,
and I should get no further than the shell.
    One morning I was out on a long walk to get up muscle for my trip and had
climbed the ridge which bordered the northern extremity of the valley, when I
came upon an artificial opening in the face of a low precipice, and recognized
it by its location as a hermitage which had often been pointed out to me from a
distance, as the den of a hermit of high renown for dirt and austerity. I knew
he had lately been offered a situation in the Great Sahara, where lions and
sandflies made the hermit life peculiarly attractive and difficult, and had gone
to Africa to take possession, so I thought I would look in and see how the
atmosphere of this den agreed with its reputation.
    My surprise was great: the place was newly swept and scoured. Then there was
another surprise. Back in the gloom of the cavern I heard the clink of a little
bell, and then this exclamation:
    »HELLO, CENTRAL! Is this you, Camelot?---Behold, thou mayst glad thy heart,
an thou hast faith to believe the wonderful when that it cometh in unexpected
guise and maketh itself manifest in impossible places - here standeth in the
flesh his mightiness The Boss, and with thine own ears shall ye hear him speak!«
    Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what a jumbling together of
extravagant incongruities; what a fantastic conjunction of opposites and
irreconcileables - the home of the bogus miracle become the home of a real one,
the den of a medieval hermit turned into a telephone office!
    The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I recognized one of my young
fellows. I said:
    »How long has this office been established here, Ulfius?«
    »But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you. We saw many lights in
the valley, and so judged it well to make a station, for that where so many
lights be, needs must they indicate a town of goodly size.«
    »Quite right. It isn't a town, in the customary sense, but it's a good
stand, anyway. Do you know where you are?«
    »Of that have I had no time to make inquiry; for whenas my comradeship moved
hence upon their labours, leaving me in charge, I got me to needed rest,
purposing to inquire when I waked, and report the place's name to Camelot for
record.«
    »Well, this is the Valley of Holiness.«
    It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name, as I had supposed he
would. He merely said -
    »I will so report it.«
    »Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the noise of late wonders that
have happened here! You didn't hear of them?«
    »Ah, ye will remember, we move by night, and avoid speech with all. We learn
naught but that we get by telephone, from Camelot.«
    »Why they know all about this thing. Haven't they told you anything about
the great miracle of the restoration of a holy fountain?«
    »Oh, that? Indeed yes. But the name of this valley doth woundily differ from
the name of that one; indeed to differ wider were not pos-«
    »What was that name, then?«
    »The Valley of Hellishness.«
    »That explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway. It is the very demon for
conveying similarities of sound that are miracles of divergence from similarity
of sense. But no matter, you know the name of the place now. Call up Camelot.«
    He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was good to hear my boy's voice
again. It was like being home. After some affectionate interchanges, and some
account of my late illness, I said:
    »What is new?«
    »The king and queen and many of the court do start even in this hour, to go
to your valley to pay pious homage to the waters ye have restored and cleanse
themselves of sin, and see the place where the infernal spirit spouted true
hell-flames to the clouds - an ye listen sharply ye may hear me wink and hear me
likewise smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made selection of those flames from
out our stock and sent them by your order.«
    »Does the king know the way to this place?«
    »The king? - no, nor to any other in his realms, mayhap; but the lads that
holp you with your miracle will be his guide and lead the way, and appoint the
places for rests at noons, and sleeps at night.«
    »This will bring them here - when?«
    »Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day.«
    »Anything else in the way of news?«
    »The king hath begun the raising of the standing army ye suggested to him;
one regiment is complete and officered.«
    »The mischief! I wanted a main hand in that, myself. There is only one body
of men in the kingdom that are fitted to officer a regular army.«
    »Yes - and now ye will marvel to know there's not so much as one West
Pointer in that regiment.«
    »What are you talking about? Are you in earnest?«
    »It is truly as I have said.«
    »Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen, and what was the method?
Competitive examination?«
    »Indeed I know naught of the method. I but know this-these officers be all
of noble family, and are born - what is it you call it? - chuckleheads.«
    »There's something wrong, Clarence.«
    »Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for a lieutenancy do travel
hence with the king - young nobles both - and if you but wait where you are you
will hear them questioned.«
    »That is news to the purpose. I will get one West Pointer in, anyway. Mount
a man and send him to that school with a message; let him kill horses, if
necessary, but he must be there before sunset to-night and say -«
    »There is no need. I have laid a ground wire to the school. Prithee let me
connect you with it.«
    It sounded good! In this atmosphere of telephones and lightning
communication with distant regions, I was breathing the breath of life again
after long suffocation. I realized, then, what a creepy, dull, inanimate horror
this land had been to me all these years, and how I had been in such a stifled
condition of mind as to have grown used to it almost beyond the power to notice
it.
    I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally. I also
asked him to bring me some paper and a fountain pen, and a box or so of safety
matches. I was getting tired of doing without these conveniences. I could have
them, now, as I wasn't't going to wear armour any more at present, and therefore
could get at my pockets.
    When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing of interest going on. The
Abbot and his monks were assembled in the great hall, observing with childish
wonder and faith the performances of a new magician, a fresh arrival. His dress
was the extreme of the fantastic; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing an
Indian medicine-man wears. He was mowing, and mumbling, and gesticulating, and
drawing mystical figures in the air and on the floor, - the regular thing, you
know. He was a celebrity from Asia - so he said, and that was enough. That sort
of evidence was as good as gold, and passed current everywhere.
    How easy and cheap it was, to be a great magician on this fellow's terms.
His specialty was to tell you what any individual on the face of the globe was
doing at the moment; and what he had done at any time in the past, and what he
would do at any time in the future. He asked if any would like to know what the
Emperor of the East was doing now? The sparkling eyes and the delighted rubbing
of hands made eloquent answer - this reverend crowd would like to know what that
monarch was at, just at this moment. The fraud went through some more mummery,
and then made grave announcement:
    »The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at this moment put money in
the palm of a holy begging friar - one, two, three pieces, and they be all of
silver.«
    A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all around:
    »It is marvellous!« »Wonderful!« »What study, what labour, to have acquired a
so amazing power as this!«
    Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing? Yes. He
told them what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing. Then he told them what the
Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the King of the Remote Seas was about. And
so-on and so-on; and with each new marvel the astonishment at his accuracy rose
higher and higher. They thought he must surely strike an uncertain place some
time; but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, and always with unerring
precision. I saw that if this thing went on I should lose my supremacy, this
fellow would capture my following, I should be left out in the cold. I must put
a cog in his wheel, and do it right away, too. I said:
    »If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know what a certain person is
doing.«
    »Speak, and freely. I will tell you.«
    »It will be difficult - perhaps impossible.«
    »My art knoweth not that word. The more difficult it is, the more certainly
will I reveal it to you.«
    You see, I was working up the interest. It was getting pretty high, too; you
could see that by the craning necks all around, and the half-suspended
breathing. So now I climaxed it:
    »If you make no mistake - if you tell me truly what I want to know - I will
give you two hundred silver pennies.«
    »The fortune is mine! I will tell you what you would know.«
    »Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand.«
    »Ah-h!« There was a general gasp of surprise. It had not occurred to anybody
in the crowd - that simple trick of inquiring about somebody who wasn't't ten
thousand miles away. The magician was hit hard; it was an emergency that had
never happened in his experience before, and it corked him; he didn't know how
to meet it. He looked stunned, confused; he couldn't say a word. »Come,« I said,
»what are you waiting for? Is it possible you can answer up, right off, and tell
what anybody on the other side of the earth is doing, and yet can't tell what a
person is doing who isn't three yards from you? Persons behind me know what I am
doing with my right hand - they will endorse you if you tell correctly.« He was
still dumb. »Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speak up and tell; it is
because you don't know. You a magician! Good friends, this tramp is a mere fraud
and liar.«
    This distressed the monks, and terrified them. They were not used to hearing
these awful beings called names, and they did not know what might be the
consequence. There was a dead silence, now; superstitious bodings were in every
mind. The magician began to pull his wits together, and when he presently smiled
an easy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief around; for it indicated
that his mood was not destructive. He said:
    »It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this person's speech. Let
all know, if perchance there be any who know it not, that enchanters of my
degree deign not to concern themselves with the doings of any but kings,
princes, emperors, them that be born in the purple, and them only. Had ye asked
me what Arthur the great king is doing it were another matter, and I had told
ye; but the doings of a subject interest me not.«
    »Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said anybody, and so I supposed
anybody included - well, anybody; that is, everybody.«
    »It doth - anybody that is of lofty birth; and the better if he be royal.«
    »That, it meseemeth, might well be,« said the Abbot, who saw his opportunity
to smooth things and avert disaster, »for it were not likely that so wonderful a
gift as this would be conferred for the revelation of the concerns of lesser
beings than such as be born near to the summits of greatness. Our Arthur the
king -«
    »Would you know of him?« broke in the enchanter.
    »Most gladly, yea and gratefully.«
    Everybody was full of awe and interest again, right away, the incorrigible
idiots. They watched the incantations absorbingly, and looked at me with a
»There, now, what can you say to that?« air, when the announcement came:
    »The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his palace these two hours
sleeping a dreamless sleep.«
    »God's benison upon him!« said the Abbot and crossed himself; »may that
sleep be to the refreshment of his body and his soul.«
    »And so it might be, if he were sleeping,« I said, »but the king is not
sleeping, the king rides.«
    Here was trouble again - a conflict of authority. Nobody knew which of us to
believe; I still had some reputation left. The magician's scorn was stirred, and
he said:
    »Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and prophets and magicians in my
life-days, but none before that could sit idle and see to the heart of things
with never an incantation to help.«
    »You have lived in the woods, and lost much by it. I use incantations
myself, as this good brotherhood are aware - but only on occasions of moment.«
    When it comes to sarcasming, I reckon I know how to keep my end up. That jab
made this fellow squirm. The Abbot inquired after the queen and the court, and
got this information:
    »They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue, like as to the king.«
    I said:
    »That is merely another lie. Half of them are about their amusements, the
queen and the other half are not sleeping, they ride. Now perhaps you can spread
yourself a little, and tell us where the king and queen and all that are this
moment riding with them are going?«
    »They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrow they will ride, for they go a
journey toward the sea.«
    »And where will they be day after to-morrow at vespers?«
    »Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journey will be done.«
    »That is another lie, by the space of a hundred and fifty miles. Their
journey will not be merely half done, it will be all done, and they will be
here, in this valley.«
    That was a noble shot! It set the Abbot and the monks in a whirl of
excitement, and it rocked the enchanter to his base. I followed the thing right
up:
    »If the king does not arrive, I will have myself ridden on a rail; if he
does I will ride you on a rail instead.«
    Next day I went up to the telephone office and found that the king had
passed through two towns that were on the line. I spotted his progress on the
succeeding day in the same way. I kept these matters to myself. The third day's
reports showed that if he kept up his gait he would arrive by four in the
afternoon. There was still no sign anywhere of interest in his coming; there
seemed to be no preparations making to receive him in state, a strange thing,
truly. Only one thing could explain this: that other magician had been cutting
under me, sure. This was true. I asked a friend of mine, a monk, about it, and
he said, yes, the magician had tried some further enchantments, and found out
that the court had concluded to make no journey at all, but stay at home. Think
of that! Observe how much a reputation was worth in such a country. These people
had seen me do the very showiest bit of magic in history, and the only one
within their memory that had a positive value, and yet here they were, ready to
take up with an adventurer who could offer no evidence of his powers but his
mere unproven word.
    However, it was not good politics to let the king come without any fuss and
feathers at all, so I went down and drummed up a procession of pilgrims and
smoked out a batch of hermits and started them out at two o'clock to meet him.
And that was the sort of state he arrived in. The Abbot was helpless with rage
and humiliation when I brought him out on a balcony and showed him the head of
the state marching in and never a monk on hand to offer him welcome, and no stir
of life or clang of joy-bell to glad his spirit. He took one look and then flew
to rouse out his forces. The next minute the bells were dinning furiously, and
the various buildings were vomiting monks and nuns, who went swarming in a rush
toward the coming procession; and with them went that magician - and he was on a
rail, too, by the Abbot's order; and his reputation was in the mud, and mine was
in the sky again. Yes, a man can keep his trade-mark current in such a country,
but he can't sit around and do it; he has got to be on deck and attending to
business, right along.
 

                                   Chapter 25

                           A Competitive Examination

When the king travelled, for change of air, or made a progress, or visited a
distant noble whom he wished to bankrupt with the cost of his keep, part of the
administration moved with him. It was a fashion of the time. The Commission
charged with the examination of candidates for posts in the army came with the
king to the valley, whereas they could have transacted their business just as
well at home. And although this expedition was strictly a holiday excursion for
the king, he kept some of his business functions going, just the same. He
touched for the evil as usual; he held court in the gate at sunrise and tried
causes, for he was himself Chief Justice of the King's Bench.
    He shone very well in this latter office. He was a wise and humane judge,
and he clearly did his honest best and fairest, - according to his lights. Yes,
according to his lights. That is a large reservation. His lights - I mean his
rearing - often coloured his decisions. Whenever there was a dispute between a
noble or gentleman, and a person of lower degree, the king's leanings and
sympathies were for the former class always, whether he suspected it or not. It
was impossible that this should be otherwise. The blunting effects of slavery
upon the slaveholder's moral perceptions are known and conceded, the world over,
and a privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under
another name. This has a harsh sound, and yet should not be offensive to any -
to even the noble himself - unless the fact itself be an offence: for the
statement simply formulates a fact. The repulsive feature of slavery is the
thing, not its name. One needs but to hear an aristocrat speak of the classes
that are below him to recognize - and in but indifferently modified measure -
the very air and tone of the actual slaveholder; and behind these are the
slaveholder's spirit, the slaveholder's blunted feeling. They are the result of
the same cause, in both cases: the possessor's old and inbred custom of
regarding himself as a superior being. The king's judgments wrought frequent
injustices, but it was merely the fault of his training, his natural and
unalterable sympathies. He was as unfitted for a judgeship as would be the
average mother for the position of milk-distributor to starving children in
famine-time; her own children would fare a shade better than the rest.
    One very curious case came before the king. A young girl, an orphan, who had
a considerable estate, married a fine young fellow who had nothing. The girl's
property was within a seignory held by the Church. The bishop of the diocese, an
arrogant scion of the great nobility, claimed the girl's estate, on the ground
that she had married privately, and thus had cheated the Church out of one of
its rights as lord of the seignory - the one heretofore referred to as le droit
du Seigneur. The penalty of refusal or avoidance was confiscation. The girl's
defence was, that the lordship of the seignory was vested in the bishop, and the
particular right here involved was not transferable, but must be exercised by
the lord himself or stand vacated; and that an older law, of the Church itself,
strictly barred the bishop from exercising it. It was a very odd case, indeed.
    It reminded me of something I had read in my youth about the ingenious way
in which the Aldermen of London raised the money that built the Mansion House. A
person who had not taken the Sacrament according to the Anglican rite, could not
stand as a candidate for sheriff of London. Thus Dissenters were ineligible;
they could not run if asked, they could not serve if elected. The Aldermen, who
without any question were Yankees in disguise, hit upon this neat device: they
passed a bye-law imposing a fine of £400 upon any one who should refuse to be a
candidate for sheriff, and a fine of £600 upon any person who, after being
elected sheriff, refused to serve. Then they went to work and elected a lot of
Dissenters, one after another; and kept it up until they had collected £15,000
in fines; and there stands the stately Mansion House to this day, to keep the
blushing citizen in mind of a long past and lamented day when a band of Yankees
slipped into London and played games of the sort that has given their race a
unique and shady reputation among all truly good and holy peoples that be in the
earth.
    The girl's case seemed strong, to me; the bishop's case was just as strong.
I did not see how the king was going to get out of this hole. But he got out. I
append his decision:
    »Truly I find small difficulty here, the matter being even a child's affair
for simpleness. An the young bride had conveyed notice, as in duty bound, to her
feudal lord and proper master and protector the bishop, she had suffered no
loss, for the said bishop could have got a dispensation making him, for
temporary conveniency, eligible to the exercise of his said right, and thus
would she have kept all she had. Whereas, failing in her first duty, she hath by
that failure failed in all; for whoso, clinging to a rope, severeth it above his
hands, must fall; it being no defence to claim that the rest of the rope is
sound, neither any deliverance from his peril, as he shall find. Pardy, the
woman's case is rotten at the source. It is the decree of the court that she
forfeit to the said lord bishop all her goods, even to the last farthing that
she doth possess, and be thereto mulcted in the costs. Next!«
    Here was a tragic end to a beautiful honeymoon not yet three months old.
Poor young creatures! They had lived these three months lapped to the lips in
worldly comforts. These clothes and trinkets they were wearing were as fine and
dainty as the shrewdest stretch of the sumptuary laws allowed to people of their
degree; and in these pretty clothes, she crying on his shoulder, and he trying
to comfort her with hopeful words set to the music of despair, they went from
the judgment seat out into the world homeless, bedless, breadless; why, the very
beggars by the roadsides were not so poor as they.
    Well, the king was out of the hole; and on terms satisfactory to the Church
and the rest of the aristocracy, no doubt. Men write many fine and plausible
arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man in a
State has a vote, brutal laws are impossible. Arthur's people were of course
poor material for a republic, because they had been debased so long by monarchy;
and yet even they would have been intelligent enough to make short work of that
law which the king had just been administering if it had been submitted to their
full and free vote. There is a phrase which has grown so common in the world's
mouth that it has come to seem to have sense and meaning - the sense and meaning
implied when it is used: that is the phrase which refers to this or that or the
other nation as possibly being capable of self-government; and the implied sense
of it is, that there has been a nation somewhere, some time or other, which
wasn't't capable of it - wasn't't as able to govern itself as some self-appointed
specialists were or would be to govern it. The master minds of all nations, in
all ages, have sprung, in affluent multitude, from the mass of the nation, and
from the mass of the nation only - not from its privileged classes; and so, no
matter what the nation's intellectual grade was, whether high or low, the bulk
of its ability was in the long ranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it
never saw the day that it had not the material in abundance whereby to govern
itself. Which is to assert an always self-proven fact: that even the best
governed and most free and most enlightened monarchy is still behind the best
condition attainable by its people; and that the same is true of kindred
governments of lower grades, all the way down to the lowest.
    King Arthur had hurried up the army business altogether beyond my
calculations. I had not supposed he would move in the matter while I was away;
and so I had not mapped out a scheme for determining the merits of officers; I
had only remarked that it would be wise to submit every candidate to a sharp and
searching examination; and privately I meant to put together a list of military
qualifications that nobody could answer to but my West Pointers. That ought to
have been attended to before I left; for the king was so taken with the idea of
a standing army that he couldn't wait, but must get about it at once, and get up
as good a scheme of examination as he could invent out of his own head.
    I was impatient to see what this was; and to show, too, how much more
admirable was the one which I should display to the Examining Board. I intimated
this, gently, to the king, and it fired his curiosity. When the Board was
assembled, I followed him in, and behind us came the candidates. One of these
candidates was a bright young West Pointer of mine, and with him were a couple
of my West Point professors.
    When I saw the Board, I did not know whether to cry or to laugh. The head of
it was the officer known to later centuries as Norroy King-at-Arms! The two
other members were chiefs of bureaux in his department; and all three were
priests, of course; all officials who had to know how to read and write were
priests.
    My candidate was called first, out of courtesy to me, and the head of the
Board opened on him, with official solemnity:
    »Name?«
    »Mal-ease.«
    »Son of?«
    »Webster.«
    »Webster - Webster. Hm - I - my memory faileth to recall the name.
Condition?«
    »Weaver.«
    »Weaver! - God keep us!«
    The king was staggered, from his summit to his foundations; one clerk
fainted, and the others came near it. The Chairman pulled himself together, and
said indignantly:
    »It is sufficient. Get you hence.«
    But I appealed to the king. I begged that my candidate might be examined.
The king was willing, but the Board, who were all wellborn folk, implored the
king to spare them the indignity of examining the weaver's son. I knew they
didn't know enough to examine him anyway, so I joined my prayers to theirs, and
the king turned the duty over to my professors. I had had a blackboard prepared,
and it was put up, now, and the circus began. It was beautiful to hear the lad
lay out the science of war, and wallow in details of battle and siege, of
supply, transportation, mining and countermining, grand tactics, big strategy
and little strategy, signal service, infantry, cavalry, artillery, and all about
siege guns, field guns, gatling guns, rifled guns, smooth bores, musket
practice, revolver practice - and not a solitary word of it all could these
catfish make head or tail of, you understand - and it was handsome to see him
chalk off mathematical nightmares on the blackboard that would stump the angels
themselves, and do it like nothing, too - all about eclipses, and comets, and
solstices, and constellations, and mean time, and sidereal time, and dinner
time, and bedtime, and every other imaginable thing above the clouds or under
them that you could harry or bullyrag an enemy with and make him wish he hadn't
come - and when the boy made his military salute and stood aside at last, I was
proud enough to hug him, and all those other people were so dazed they looked
partly petrified, partly drunk, and wholly caught out and snowed under. I judged
that the cake was ours, and by a large majority.
    Education is a great thing. This was the same youth who had come to West
Point so ignorant that when I asked him, »If a general officer should have a
horse shot under him on the field of battle, what ought he to do?« answered up
naively and said:
    »Get up and brush himself.«
    One of the young nobles was called up, now. I thought I would question him a
little myself. I said:
    »Can your lordship read?«
    His face flushed indignantly, and he fired this at me:
    »Takest me for a clerk? I trow I am not of a blood that -«
    »Answer the question!«
    He crowded his wrath down and made out to answer »No.«
    »Can you write?«
    He wanted to resent this, too, but I said:
    »You will confine yourself to the questions, and make no comments. You are
not here to air your blood or your graces, and nothing of the sort will be
permitted. Can you write?«
    »No.«
    »Do you know the multiplication table?«
    »I wit not what ye refer to.«
    »How much is 9 times 6?«
    »It is a mystery that is hidden from me, by reason that the emergency
requiring the fathoming of it hath not in my life-days occurred, and so, not
having no need to know this thing, I abide barren of the knowledge.«
    »If A trade a barrel of onions to B, worth 2 pence the bushel, in exchange
for a sheep worth 4 pence, and a dog worth a penny, and C kill the dog before
delivery, because bitten by the same, who mistook him for D, what sum is still
due to A from B, and which party pays for the dog, C or D, and who gets the
money? if A, is the penny sufficient, or may he claim consequential damages in
the form of additional money to represent the possible profit which might have
inured from the dog, and classifiable as earned increment, that is to say,
usufruct?«
    »Verily, in the all-wise and unknowable providence of God, who moveth in
mysterious ways his wonders to perform, have I never heard the fellow to this
question for confusion of the mind and congestion of the ducts of thought.
Wherefore I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these people of the
strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteous
and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for indeed their trouble is
sufficient as it is, whereas an I tried to help I should but damage their cause
the more and yet mayhap not live myself to see the desolation wrought.«
    »What do you know of the laws of attraction and gravitation?«
    »If there be such mayhap his grace the king did promulgate them whilst that
I lay sick about the beginning of the year and thereby failed to hear his
proclamation.«
    »What do you know of the science of optics?«
    »I know of governors of places, and seneschals of castles, and sheriffs of
counties, and many like small offices and titles of honour, but him you call the
Science of Optics I have not heard of before; peradventure it is a new dignity.«
    »Yes, in this country.«
    Try to conceive of this mollusk gravely applying for an official position,
of any kind under the sun! Why, he had all the ear-marks of a type-writer
copyist, if you leave out the disposition to contribute uninvited emendations of
your grammar and punctuation. It was unaccountable that he didn't attempt a
little help of that sort out of his majestic supply of incapacity for the job.
But that didn't prove that he hadn't material in him for the disposition, it
only proved that he wasn't't a type-writer copyist yet. After nagging him a little
more, I let the professors loose on him, and they turned him inside out, on the
line of scientific war, and found him empty, of course. He knew somewhat about
the warfare of the time - bushwhacking around for ogres, and bull-fights in the
tourneyment ring, and such things - but otherwise he was empty and useless. Then
we took the other young noble in hand, and he was the first one's twin, for
ignorance and incapacity. I delivered them into the hands of the Chairman of the
Board with the comfortable consciousness that their cake was dough. They were
examined in the previous order of precedence.
    »Name, so please you?«
    »Pertipole, son of Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash.«
    »Grandfather?«
    »Also Sir Pertipole, Baron of Barley Mash.«
    »Great-grandfather?«
    »The same name and title.«
    »Great-great-grandfather?«
    »We had none, worshipful sir, the line failing before it had reached so far
back.«
    »It mattereth not. It is a good four generations, and fulfilleth the
requirement of the rule.«
    »Fulfills what rule?« I asked.
    »The rule requiring four generations of nobility or else the candidate is
not eligible.«
    »A man not eligible for a lieutenancy in the army unless he can prove four
generations of noble descent?«
    »Even so; neither lieutenant nor any other officer may be commissioned
without that qualification.«
    »Oh come, this is an astonishing thing. What good is such a qualification as
that?«
    »What good? It is a hardy question, fair sir and Boss, since it doth go far
to impugn the wisdom of even our holy Mother Church herself.«
    »As how?«
    »For that she hath established the self-same rule, regarding saints. By her
law none may be canonized until he hath lain dead four generations.«
    »I see, I see - it is the same thing. It is wonderful. In the one case a man
lies dead-alive, four generations - mummified in ignorance and sloth - and that
qualifies him to command live people, and take their weal and woe into his
impotent hands; and in the other case, a man lies bedded with death and worms
four generations, and that qualifies him for office in the celestial camp. Does
the king's grace approve of this strange law?«
    The king said:
    »Why, truly I see naught about it that is strange. All places of honour and
of profit do belong, by natural right, to them that be of noble blood, and so
these dignities in the army are their property and would be so without this or
any rule. The rule is but to mark a limit; its purpose is to keep out too recent
blood, which would bring into contempt these offices, and men of lofty lineage
would turn their backs and scorn to take them. I were to blame an I permitted
this calamity. You can permit it an you are minded so to do, for you have the
delegated authority, but that the king should do it were a most strange madness
and not comprehensible to any.«
    »I yield. Proceed, sir Chief of the Herald's College.«
    The Chairman resumed, as follows:
    »By what illustrious achievement for the honour of the Throne and State did
the founder of your great line lift himself to the sacred dignity of the British
nobility?«
    »He built a brewery.«
    »Sire, the Board finds this candidate perfect in all the requirements and
qualifications for military command, and doth hold his case open for decision
after due examination of his competitor.«
    The competitor came forward and proved exactly four generations of nobility
himself. So there was a tie, in military qualifications that far.
    He stood aside, a moment, and Sir Pertipole was questioned further:
    »Of what condition was the wife of the founder of your line?«
    »She came of the highest landed gentry, yet she was not noble; she was
gracious, and pure, and charitable, of a blameless life and character, insomuch
that in these regards was she peer of the best lady in the land.«
    »That will do. Stand down.« He called up the competing lordling again, and
asked: »What was the rank and condition of the great-grandmother who conferred
British nobility upon your great house?«
    »She was a king's leman, and did climb to that splendid eminence by her own
unholpen merit from the sewer where she was born.«
    »Ah, this indeed is true nobility, this is the right and perfect
intermixture. The lieutenancy is yours, fair lord. Hold it not in contempt; it
is the humble step which will lead to grandeurs more worthy of the splendour of
an origin like to thine.«
    I was down in the bottomless pit of humiliation. I had promised myself an
easy and zenith-scouring triumph, and this was the outcome! I was almost ashamed
to look my poor disappointed cadet in the face. I told him to go home and be
patient, this wasn't't the end.
    I had a private audience with the king, and made a proposition. I said it
was quite right to officer that regiment with nobilities, and he couldn't have
done a wiser thing. It would also be a good idea to add five hundred officers to
it, in fact, add as many officers as there were nobles and relatives of nobles
in the country, even if there should finally be five times as many officers as
privates in it; and thus make it the crack regiment, the envied regiment, the
King's Own regiment, and entitled to fight on its own hook and in its own way,
and go whither it would and come when it pleased, in time of war, and be utterly
swell and independent. This would make that regiment the heart's desire of all
the nobility, and they would all be satisfied and happy. Then we would make up
the rest of the standing army out of commonplace materials, and officer it with
nobodies, as was proper - nobodies selected on a basis of mere efficiency - and
we would make this regiment toe the line, allow it no aristocratic freedom from
restraint, and force it to do all the work and persistent hammering, to the end
that whenever the King's Own was tired and wanted to go off for a change and
rummage around amongst ogres and have a good time, it could go without
uneasiness, knowing that matters were in safe hands behind it and business going
to be continued at the old stand, same as usual. The king was charmed with the
idea.
    When I noticed that, it gave me a valuable notion. I thought I saw my way
out of an old and stubborn difficulty at last. You see, the royalties of the
Pendragon stock were a long-lived race and very fruitful. Whenever a child was
born to any of these - and it was pretty often - there was wild joy in the
nation's mouth, and piteous sorrow in the nation's heart. The joy was
questionable, but the grief was honest. Because the event meant another call for
a Royal Grant. Long was the list of these royalties, and they were a heavy and
steadily increasing burden upon the treasury and a menace to the crown. Yet
Arthur could not believe this latter fact, and he would not listen to any of my
various projects for substituting something in the place of the royal grants. If
I could have persuaded him to now and then provide a support for one of these
outlying scions from his own pocket, I could have made a grand to-do over it,
and it would have had a good effect with the nation; but no, he wouldn't hear of
such a thing. He had something like a religious passion for a royal grant; he
seemed to look upon it as a sort of sacred swag, and one could not irritate him
in any way so quickly and so surely as by an attack upon that venerable
institution. If I ventured to cautiously hint that there was not another
respectable family in England that would humble itself to hold out the hat -
however, that is as far as I ever got; he always cut me short, there, and
peremptorily, too.
    But I believed I saw my chance at last. I would form this crack regiment out
of officers alone - not a single private. Half of it should consist of nobles,
who should fill all the places up to Major General, and serve gratis and pay
their own expenses; and they would be glad to do this when they should learn
that the rest of the regiment would consist exclusively of princes of the blood.
These princes of the blood should range in rank from Lieutenant General up to
Field Marshal, and be gorgeously salaried and equipped and fed by the State.
Moreover - and this was the master stroke - it should be decreed that these
princely grandees should be always addressed by a stunningly gaudy and
awe-compelling title, (which I would presently invent,) and they and they only
in all England should be so addressed. Finally, all princes of the blood should
have free choice: join that regiment, get that great title, and renounce the
royal grant, or stay out and receive a grant. Neatest touch of all: unborn but
imminent princes of the blood could be born into the regiment, and start fair,
with good wages and a permanent situation, upon due notice from the parents.
    All the boys would join, I was sure of that; so, all existing grants would
be relinquished; that the newly born would always join was equally certain.
Within sixty days that quaint and bizarre anomaly, the Royal Grant, would cease
to be a living fact, and take its place among the curiosities of the past.
 

                                   Chapter 26

                              The First Newspaper

When I told the king I was going out disguised as a petty freeman to scour the
country and familiarize myself with the humbler life of the people, he was all
afire with the novelty of the thing in a minute, and was bound to take a chance
in the adventure himself - nothing should stop him - he would drop everything
and go along - it was the prettiest idea he had run across for many a day. He
wanted to glide out the back way and start at once; but I showed him that that
wouldn't answer. You see, he was billed for the king's-evil - to touch for it, I
mean - and it wouldn't be right to disappoint the house; and it wouldn't make a
delay worth considering, anyway, it was only a one-night stand. And I thought he
ought to tell the queen he was going away. He clouded up at that, and looked
sad. I was sorry I had spoken, especially when he said mournfully:
    »Thou forgettest that Launcelot is here; and where Launcelot is, she noteth
not the going forth of the king, nor what day he returneth.«
    Of course I changed the subject. Yes, Guenever was beautiful, it is true,
but take her all around she was pretty slack. I never meddled in these matters,
they weren't my affair, but I did hate to see the way things were going on, and
I don't mind saying that much. Many's the time she had asked me, »Sir Boss, hast
seen Sir Launcelot about?« but if ever she went fretting around for the king I
didn't happen to be around at the time.
    There was a very good layout for the king's-evil business - very tidy and
creditable. The king sat under a canopy of state, and about him were clustered a
large body of the clergy in full canonicals. Conspicuous, both for location and
personal outfit, stood Marinel, a hermit of the quack doctor species, to
introduce the sick. All abroad over the spacious floor, and clear down to the
doors, in a thick jumble, lay or sat the scrofulous, under a strong light. It
was as good as a tableau; in fact it had all the look of being gotten up for
that, though it wasn't't. There were 800 sick people present. The work was slow;
it lacked the interest of novelty for me, because I had seen the ceremonies
before; the thing soon became tedious, but the proprieties required me to stick
it out. The doctor was there for the reason that in all such crowds there were
many people who only imagined something was the matter with them, and many who
were consciously sound but wanted the immortal honour of fleshly contact with a
king, and yet others who pretended to illness in order to get the piece of coin
that went with the touch. Up to this time this coin had been a wee little gold
piece worth about a third of a dollar. When you consider how much that amount of
money would buy, in that age and country, and how usual it was to be scrofulous,
when not dead, you will understand that the annual king's-evil appropriation was
just the River and Harbor bill of that government for the grip it took on the
treasury and the chance it afforded for skinning the surplus. So I had privately
concluded to touch the treasury itself for the king's-evil. I covered
six-sevenths of the appropriation into the treasury a week before starting from
Camelot on my adventures, and ordered that the other seventh be inflated into
five-cent nickels and delivered into the hands of the head clerk of the
King's-Evil Department; a nickel to take the place of each gold coin, you see,
and do its work for it. It might strain the nickel some, but I judged it could
stand it. As a rule, I do not approve of watering stock, but I considered it
square enough in this case, for it was just a gift, anyway. Of course you can
water a gift as much as you want to; and I generally do. The old gold and silver
coins of the country were of ancient and unknown origin, as a rule, but some of
them were Roman; they were ill shapen, and seldom rounder than a moon that is a
week past the full; they were hammered, not minted, and they were so worn with
use that the devices upon them were as illegible as blisters, and looked like
them. I judged that a sharp, bright new nickel, with a first-rate likeness of
the king on one side of it and Guenever on the other, and a blooming pious
motto, would take the tuck out of scrofula as handy as a nobler coin and please
the scrofulous fancy more; and I was right. This batch was the first it was
tried on, and it worked to a charm. The saving in expense was a notable economy.
You will see that, by these figures: We touched a trifle over 700 of the 800
patients; at former rates, this would have cost the government about $240; at
the new rate we pulled through for about $35, thus saving upwards of $200 at one
swoop. To appreciate the full magnitude of this stroke, consider these other
figures: the annual expenses of a national government amount to the equivalent
of a contribution of three days' (average) wages of every individual of the
population, counting every individual as if he were a man. If you take a nation
of 60,000,000, where average wages are $2 per day, three days' wages taken from
each individual will provide $360,000,000 and pay the government's expenses. In
my day, in my own country, this money was collected from imposts, and the
citizen imagined that the foreign importer paid it, and it made him comfortable
to think so; whereas, in fact, it was paid by the American people and was so
equally and exactly distributed among them, that the annual cost to the
100-millionaire and the annual cost to the sucking child of the day labourer was
precisely the same - each paid $6. Nothing could be equaler than that, I reckon.
Well, Scotland and Ireland were tributary to Arthur, and the united populations
of the British islands amounted to something less than 1,000,000. A mechanic's
average wage was 3 cents a day, when he paid his own keep. By this rule, the
national government's expenses were $90,000 a year, or about $250 a day. Thus,
by the substitution of nickels for gold on a king's-evil day, I not only injured
no one, dissatisfied no one, but pleased all concerned and saved four-fifths of
that day's national expense into the bargain - a saving which would have been
the equivalent of $800,000 in my day in America. In making this substitution I
had drawn upon the wisdom of a very remote source - the wisdom of my boyhood -
for the true statesman does not despise any wisdom, howsoever lowly may be its
origin: in my boyhood I had always saved my pennies, and contributed buttons to
the foreign missionary cause. The buttons would answer the ignorant savage as
well as the coin, the coin would answer me better than the buttons; all hands
were happy, and nobody hurt.
    Marinel took the patients as they came. He examined the candidate; if he
couldn't qualify, he was warned off; if he could, he was passed along, to the
king. A priest pronounced the words, »They shall lay their hands on the sick,
and they shall recover.« Then the king stroked the ulcers, while the reading
continued; finally, the patient graduated and got his nickel - the king hanging
it around his neck himself - and was dismissed. Would you think that that would
cure? It certainly did. Any mummery will cure, if the patient's faith is strong
in it. Up by Astolat there was a chapel where the Virgin had once appeared to a
girl who used to herd geese around there - the girl said so herself - and they
built the chapel upon that spot and hung a picture in it representing the
occurrence - a picture which you would think it dangerous for a sick person to
approach; whereas on the contrary, thousands of the lame and the sick came and
prayed before it every year and went away whole and sound; and even the well
could look upon it and live. Of course when I was told these things, I did not
believe them; but when I went there and saw them I had to succumb. I saw the
cures effected myself; and they were real cures and not questionable. I saw
cripples whom I had seen around Camelot for years on crutches, arrive and pray
before that picture, and put down their crutches and walk off without a limp.
There were piles of crutches there which had been left by such people as a
testimony.
    In other places people operated on a patient's mind, without saying a word
to him, and cured him. In others, experts assembled patients in a room and
prayed over them, and appealed to their faith, and those patients went away
cured. Wherever you find a king who can't cure the king's-evil, you can be sure
that the most valuable superstition that supports his throne - the subject's
belief in the divine appointment of his sovereign - has passed away. In my youth
the monarchs of England had ceased to touch for the evil, but there was no
occasion for this diffidence: they could have cured it forty-nine times in
fifty.
    Well, when the priest had been droning for three hours, and the good king
polishing the evidences, and the sick were still pressing forward as plenty as
ever, I got to feeling intolerably bored. I was sitting by an open window not
far from the canopy of state. For the five hundredth time a patient stood
forward to have his repulsivenesses stroked; again those words were being droned
out, »They shall lay their hands on the sick -« when outside there rang clear as
a clarion a note that enchanted my soul and tumbled thirteen worthless centuries
about my ears: »Camelot Weekly Hosannah and Literary Volcano! - latest irruption
- only two cents - all about the big miracle in the Valley of Holiness!« One
greater than kings had arrived - the newsboy. But I was the only person in all
that throng who knew the meaning of this mighty birth, and what this imperial
magician was come into the world to do.
    I dropped a nickel out of the window and got my paper; the Adam newsboy of
the world went around the corner to get my change; is around the corner yet. It
was delicious to see a newspaper again, yet I was conscious of a secret shock
when my eye fell upon the first batch of display head-lines. I had lived in a
clammy atmosphere of reverence, respect, deference, so long, that they sent a
quivery little cold wave through me:
 
- and so-on, and so-on. Yes, it was too loud. Once I could have enjoyed it and
seen nothing out of the way about it, but now its note was discordant. It was
good Arkansas journalism, but this was not Arkansas. Moreover, the next to the
last line was calculated to give offence to the hermits, and perhaps lose us
their advertising. Indeed, there was too lightsome a tone of flippancy all
through the paper. It was plain I had undergone a considerable change without
noticing it. I found myself unpleasantly affected by pert little irreverencies
which would have seemed but proper and airy graces of speech at an earlier
period in my life. There was an abundance of the following breed of items, and
they discomforted me:
 
Of course it was good enough journalism for a beginning; I knew that quite well,
and yet it was somehow disappointing. The Court Circular pleased me better;
indeed its simple and dignified respectfulness was a distinct refreshment to me
after all those disgraceful familiarities. But even it could have been improved.
Do what one may, there is no getting an air of variety into a court circular, I
acknowledge that. There is a profound monotonousness about its facts that
baffles and defeats one's sincerest efforts to make them sparkle and enthuse.
The best way to manage - in fact the only sensible way - is to disguise
repetitiousness of fact under variety of form: skin your fact, each time, and
lay on a new cuticle of words. It deceives the eye; you think it is a new fact;
it gives you the idea that the court is carrying on like everything; this
excites you, and you drain the whole column, with a good appetite, and perhaps
never notice that it's a barrel of soup made out of a single bean. Clarence's
way was good, it was simple, it was dignified, it was direct and business-like;
all I say is, it was not the best way:
 
However, take the paper by and large, I was vastly pleased with it. Little
crudities of a mechanical sort were observable here and there, but there were
not enough of them to amount to anything, and it was good enough Arkansas
proof-reading, anyhow, and better than was needed in Arthur's day and realm. As
a rule, the grammar was leaky and the construction more or less lame; but I did
not much mind these things. They are common defects of my own, and one mustn't
criticise other people on grounds where he can't stand perpendicular himself.
    I was hungry enough for literature to want to take down the whole paper at
this one meal, but I got only a few bites, and then had to postpone, because the
monks around me besieged me so with eager questions: What is this curious thing?
What is it for? Is it a handkerchief? - saddle blanket? - part of a shirt? What
is it made of? How thin it is; and how dainty and frail; and how it rattles.
Will it wear, do you think, and won't the rain injure it? Is it writing that
appears on it, or is it only ornamentation? They suspected it was writing,
because those among them who knew how to read Latin and had a smattering of
Greek, recognized some of the letters, but they could make nothing out of the
result as a whole. I put my information in the simplest form I could:
    »It is a public journal; I will explain what that is, another time. It is
not cloth, it is made of paper; some time I will explain what paper is. The
lines on it are reading-matter; and not written by hand, but printed; by and by,
I will explain what printing is. A thousand of these sheets have been made, and
all exactly like this, in every minute detail - they can't be told apart.« Then
they all broke out with exclamations of surprise and admiration:
    »A thousand! Verily a mighty work - a year's work for many men.«
    »No - merely a day's work for a man and a boy.«
    They crossed themselves, and whiffed out a protective prayer or two.
    »Ah-h-a miracle, a wonder! Dark work of enchantment.«
    I let it go at that. Then I read in a low voice, to as many as could crowd
their shaven heads within hearing distance, part of the account of the miracle
of the restoration of the well, and was accompanied by astonished and reverent
ejaculations all through: »Ah-h-h!« »How true!« »Amazing, amazing!« »These be
the very haps as they happened, in marvellous exactness!« And might they take
this strange thing in their hands, and feel of it and examine it? - they would
be very careful. Yes. So they took it, handling it as cautiously and devoutly as
if it had been some holy thing come from some supernatural region; and gently
felt of its texture, caressed its pleasant smooth surface with lingering touch,
and scanned the mysterious characters with fascinated eyes. These grouped bent
heads, these charmed faces, these speaking eyes - how beautiful to me! For was
not this my darling, and was not all this mute wonder and interest and homage a
most eloquent tribute and unforced compliment to it? I knew, then, how a mother
feels when women, whether strangers or friends, take her new baby, and close
themselves about it with one eager impulse, and bend their heads over it in a
tranced adoration that makes all the rest of the universe vanish out of their
consciousness and be as if it were not, for that time. I knew how she feels, and
that there is no other satisfied ambition, whether of king, conqueror or poet,
that ever reaches half way to that serene far summit or yields half so divine a
contentment.
    During all the rest of the seance my paper travelled from group to group all
up and down and about that huge hall, and my happy eye was upon it always, and I
sat motionless, steeped in satisfaction, drunk with enjoyment. Yes, this was
heaven; I was tasting it once, if I might never taste it more.
 

                                   Chapter 27

                    The Yankee and the King Travel Incognito

About bedtime I took the king to my private quarters to cut his hair and help
him get the hang of the lowly raiment he was to wear. The high classes wore
their hair banged across the forehead but hanging to the shoulders the rest of
the way around, whereas the lowest ranks of commoners were banged fore and aft
both; the slaves were bangless and allowed their hair free growth. So I inverted
a bowl over his head and cut away all the locks that hung below it. I also
trimmed his whiskers and moustache until they were only about a half inch long;
and tried to do it inartistically, and succeeded. It was a villainous
disfigurement. When he got his lubberly sandals on, and his long robe of coarse
brown linen cloth, which hung straight from his neck to his ankle-bones, he was
no longer the comeliest man in his kingdom, but one of the unhandsomest and most
commonplace and unattractive. We were dressed and barbered alike, and could pass
for small farmers, or farm bailiffs, or shepherds, or carters; yes, or for
village artisans, if we chose, our costume being in effect universal among the
poor, because of its strength and cheapness. I don't mean that it was really
cheap to a very poor person, but I do mean that it was the cheapest material
there was for male attire - manufactured material, you understand.
    We slipped away an hour before dawn, and by broad sun-up had made eight or
ten miles, and were in the midst of a sparsely settled country I had a pretty
heavy knapsack; it was laden with provisions - provisions for the king to taper
down on, till he could take to the coarse fare of the country without damage.
    I found a comfortable seat for the king by the roadside, and then gave him a
morsel or two to stay his stomach with. Then I said I would find some water for
him, and strolled away. Part of my project was to get out of sight and sit down
and rest a little myself. It had always been my custom to stand, when in his
presence; even at the council board, except upon those rare occasions when the
sitting was a very long one, extending over hours; then I had a trifling little
backless thing which was like a reversed culvert, and was as comfortable as the
toothache. I didn't want to break him in suddenly, but do it by degrees. We
should have to sit together now, when in company, or people would notice; but it
would not be good politics for me to be playing equality with him when there was
no necessity for it.
    I found the water, some three hundred yards away, and had been resting about
twenty minutes, when I heard voices. That is all right, I thought - peasants
going to work; nobody else likely to be stirring this early. But the next moment
these comers jingled into sight around a turn of the road - smartly clad people
of quality, with luggage-mules and servants in their train! I was off like a
shot, through the bushes, by the shortest cut. For a while it did seem that
these people would pass the king before I could get to him; but desperation
gives you wings, you know, and I canted my body forward, inflated my breast, and
held my breath and flew. I arrived. And in plenty good enough time, too:
    »Pardon, my king, but it's no time for ceremony - jump! Jump to your feet -
some quality are coming!«
    »Is that a marvel? Let them come.«
    »But my liege! You must not be seen sitting. Rise! - and stand in humble
posture while they pass. You are a peasant, you know.«
    »True - I had forgot it, so lost was I in planning of a huge war with Gaul«
- he was up, by this time, but a farm could have got up quicker if there was any
kind of a boom in real estate - »and right-so a thought came randoming
overthwart this majestic dream the which -«
    »A humbler attitude, my lord the king - and quick! Duck your head! - more! -
still more! - droop it!«
    He did his honest best, but lord it was no great things. He looked as humble
as the leaning tower at Pisa. It is the most you could say of it. Indeed it was
such a thundering poor success that it raised wondering scowls all along the
line, and a gorgeous flunkey at the tail end of it raised his whip; but I jumped
in time, and was under it when it fell; and under cover of the volley of coarse
laughter which followed, I spoke up sharply and warned the king to take no
notice. He mastered himself for the moment, but it was a sore tax; he wanted to
eat up the procession. I said:
    »It would end our adventures at the very start; and we, being without
weapons, could do nothing with that armed gang. If we are going to succeed in
our emprize, we must not only look the peasant but act the peasant.«
    »It is wisdom; none can gainsay it. Let us go on, Sir Boss. I will take
note, and learn, and do the best I may.«
    He kept his word. He did the best he could, but I've seen better. If you
have ever seen an active, heedless, enterprising child going diligently out of
one mischief and into another all day long, and an anxious mother at its heels
all the while, and just saving it by a hair from drowning itself or breaking its
neck with each new experiment, you've seen the king and me. If I could have
foreseen what the thing was going to be like, I should have said, No, if anybody
wants to make his living exhibiting a king as a peasant, let him take the
layout; I can do better with a menagerie, and last longer. And yet, during the
first three days I never allowed him to enter a hut or other dwelling. If he
could pass muster anywhere, during his early novitiate, it would be in small
inns and on the road; so to these places we confined ourselves. Yes, he
certainly did the best he could, but what of that? He didn't improve a bit, that
I could see.
    He was always frightening me, always breaking out with fresh astonishers, in
new and unexpected places. Toward evening on the second day, what does he do but
blandly fetch out a dirk from inside his robe!
    »Great guns, my liege, where did you get that?«
    »From a smuggler at the inn, yester eve.«
    »What in the world possessed you to buy it?«
    »We have escaped divers dangers by wit - thy wit - but I have bethought me
that it were but prudence if I bore a weapon, too. Thine might fail thee in some
pinch.«
    »But people of our condition are not allowed to carry arms. What would a
lord say - yes, or any other person of whatever condition - if he caught an
upstart peasant with a dagger on his person?«
    It was a lucky thing for us that nobody came along just then. I persuaded
him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up
some bright fresh new way of killing itself. We walked along, silent and
thinking. Finally the king said:
    »When ye know that I meditate a thing inconvenient, or that hath a peril in
it, why do you not warn me to cease from that project?«
    It was a startling question, and a puzzler. I didn't quite know how to take
hold of it, or what to say; and so of course I ended by saying the natural
thing:
    »But sire, how can I know what your thoughts are?«
    The king stopped dead in his tracks, and stared at me.
    »I believed thou wert greater than Merlin; and truly in magic thou art. But
prophecy is greater than magic. Merlin is a prophet.«
    I saw I had made a blunder. I must get back my lost ground. After deep
reflection and careful planning, I said:
    »Sire, I have been misunderstood. I will explain. There are two kinds of
prophecy. One is the gift to foretell things that are but a little way off, the
other is the gift to foretell things that are whole ages and centuries away.
Which is the mightier gift, do you think?«
    »Oh, the last, most surely!«
    »True. Does Merlin possess it?«
    »Partly, yes. He foretold mysteries about my birth and future kingship that
were twenty years away.«
    »Has he ever gone beyond that?«
    »He would not claim more, I think.«
    »It is probably his limit. All prophets have their limit. The limit of some
of the great prophets has been a hundred years.«
    »These are few, I ween.«
    »There have been two still greater ones, whose limit was four hundred and
six hundred years, and one whose limit compassed even seven hundred and twenty.«
    »Gramercy, it is marvellous!«
    »But what are these, by comparison with me? They are nothing.«
    »What? Canst thou truly look beyond even so vast a stretch of time as -«
    »Seven hundred years? My liege, as clear as the vision of an eagle does my
prophetic eye penetrate and lay bare the future of this world for nearly
thirteen centuries and a half!«
    My land, you should have seen the king's eyes spread slowly open, and lift
the earth's entire atmosphere as much as an inch! That settled Brer Merlin. One
never had any occasion to prove his facts, with these people; all he had to do
was to state them. It never occurred to anybody to doubt the statement.
    »Now, then,« I continued, »I could work both kinds of prophecy - the long
and the short - if I chose to take the trouble to keep in practice; but I seldom
exercise any but the long kind, because the other is beneath my dignity. It is
properer to Merlin's sort - stump-tail prophets, as we call them in the
profession. Of course I whet up now and then and flirt out a minor prophecy, but
not often - hardly ever, in fact. You will remember that there was great talk,
when you reached the Valley of Holiness, about my having prophesied your coming
and the very hour of your arrival, two or three days beforehand.«
    »Indeed, yes, I mind it now.«
    »Well, I could have done it as much as forty times easier, and piled on a
thousand times more detail into the bargain, if it had been five hundred years
away instead of two or three days.«
    »How amazing that it should be so!«
    »Yes, a genuine expert can always foretell a thing that is five hundred
years away easier than he can a thing that's only five hundred seconds off.«
    »And yet in reason it should clearly be the other way: it should be five
hundred times as easy to foretell the last as the first, for indeed it is so
close by, that one uninspired might almost see it. In truth the law of prophecy
doth contradict the likelihoods, most strangely making the difficult easy, and
the easy difficult.«
    It was a wise head. A peasant's cap was no safe disguise for it; you could
know it for a king's, under a diving bell, if you could hear it work its
intellect.
    I had a new trade, now, and plenty of business in it. The king was as hungry
to find out everything that was going to happen during the next thirteen
centuries as if he were expecting to live in them. From that time out, I
prophesied myself baldheaded trying to supply the demand. I have done some
indiscreet things in my day, but this thing of playing myself for a prophet was
the worst. Still it had its ameliorations. A prophet doesn't't have to have any
brains. They are good to have, of course, for the ordinary exigencies of life,
but they are no use in professional work. It is the restfulest vocation there
is. When the spirit of prophecy comes upon you, you merely cake your intellect
and lay it off in a cool place for a rest, and unship your jaw and leave it
alone; it will work itself: the result is Prophecy.
    Every day a knight errant or so came along, and the sight of them fired the
king's martial spirit every time. He would have forgotten himself, sure, and
said something to them in a style a suspicious shade or so above his ostensible
degree, and so I always got him well out of the road in time. Then he would
stand, and look with all his eyes; and a proud light would flash from them, and
his nostrils would inflate like a war-horse's, and I knew he was longing for a
brush with them. But about noon of the third day I had stopped in the road to
take a precaution which had been suggested by the whip-stroke that had fallen to
my share two days before; a precaution which I had afterwards decided to leave
untaken, I was so loath to institute it; but now I had just had a fresh
reminder: while striding heedlessly along, with jaw spread and intellect at
rest, for I was prophesying, I stubbed my toe and fell sprawling. I was so pale
I couldn't think, for a moment; then I got softly and carefully up and
unstrapped my knapsack. I had that dynamite bomb in it, done up in wool, in a
box. It was a good thing to have along; the time would come when I could do a
valuable miracle with it, maybe, but it was a nervous thing to have about me,
and I didn't like to ask the king to carry it. Yet I must either throw it away
or think up some safe way to get along with its society. I got it out and
slipped it into my scrip, and just then, here came a couple of knights. The king
stood, stately as a statue, gazing toward them - had forgotten himself again, of
course - and before I could get a word of warning out, it was time for him to
skip, and well that he did it, too. He supposed they would turn aside. Turn
aside to avoid trampling peasant dirt under foot? When had he ever turned aside
himself - or ever had the chance to do it, if a peasant saw him or any other
noble knight in time to judiciously save him the trouble? The knights paid no
attention to the king at all; it was his place to look out for himself, and if
he hadn't skipped he would have been placidly ridden down, and laughed at
besides.
    The king was in a flaming fury, and launched out his challenge and epithets
with a most royal vigour. The knights were some little distance by, now. They
halted, greatly surprised, and turned in their saddles and looked back, as if
wondering if it might be worth while to bother with such scum as we. Then they
wheeled and started for us. Not a moment must be lost. I started for them. I
passed them at a rattling gait, and as I went by I flung out a hair-lifting
soul-scorching thirteen-jointed insult which made the king's effort poor and
cheap by comparison. I got it out of the nineteenth century, where they know
how. They had such headway that they were nearly to the king before they could
check up; then, frantic with rage, they stood up their horses on their hind
hoofs and whirled them around, and the next moment here they came, breast to
breast. I was seventy yards off, then, and scrambling up a great bowlder at the
roadside. When they were within thirty yards of me they let their long lances
droop to a level, depressed their mailed heads, and so, with their horse-hair
plumes streaming straight out behind, most gallant to see, this lightning
express came tearing for me! When they were within fifteen yards, I sent that
bomb with a sure aim, and it struck the ground just under the horses' noses.
    Yes, it was a neat thing, very neat and pretty to see. It resembled a
steamboat explosion on the Mississippi; and during the next fifteen minutes we
stood under a steady drizzle of microscopic fragments of knights and hardware
and horseflesh. I say we, for the king joined the audience, of course, as soon
as he had got his breath again. There was a hole there which would afford steady
work for all the people in that region for some years to come - in trying to
explain it, I mean; as for filling it up, that service would be comparatively
prompt, and would fall to the lot of a select few - peasants of that seignory;
and they wouldn't get anything for it, either.
    But I explained it to the king myself. I said it was done with a dynamite
bomb. This information did him no damage, because it left him as intelligent as
he was before. However, it was a noble miracle, in his eyes, and was another
settler for Merlin. I thought it well enough to explain that this was a miracle
of so rare a sort that it couldn't be done except when the atmospheric
conditions were just right. Otherwise he would be encoring it every time we had
a good subject, and that would be inconvenient, because I hadn't any more bombs
along.
 

                                   Chapter 28

                               Drilling the King

On the morning of the fourth day, when it was just sunrise, and we had been
tramping an hour in the chill dawn, I came to a resolution: the king must be
drilled; things could not go on so, he must be taken in hand, and deliberately
and conscientiously drilled, or we couldn't ever venture to enter a dwelling;
the very cats would know this masquerader for a humbug and no peasant. So I
called a halt, and said:
    »Sire, as between clothes and countenance, you are all right, there is no
discrepancy; but as between your clothes and your bearing, you are all wrong,
there is a most noticeable discrepancy. Your soldierly stride, your lordly port
- these will not do. You stand too straight, your looks are too high, too
confident. The cares of a kingdom do not stoop the shoulders, they do not droop
the chin, they do not depress the high level of the eye-glance, they do not put
doubt and fear in the heart and hang out the signs of them in slouching body and
unsure step. It is the sordid cares of the lowly born that do these things. You
must learn the trick; you must imitate the trade-marks of poverty, misery,
oppression, insult, and the other several and common inhumanities that sap the
manliness out of a man and make him a loyal and proper and approved subject, and
a satisfaction to his masters, or the very infants will know you for better than
your disguise, and we shall go to pieces at the first hut we stop at. Pray try
to walk like this.«
    The king took careful note, and then tried an imitation.
    »Pretty fair - pretty fair. Chin a little lower, please - there, very good.
Eyes too high; pray don't look at the horizon, look at the ground, ten steps in
front of you. Ah - that is better, that is very good. Wait, please; you betray
too much vigour, too much decision; you want more of a shamble. Look at me,
please - this is what I mean. ... Now you are getting it; that is the idea - at
least, it sort of approaches it. ... Yes, that is pretty fair. But! There is a
great big something wanting, I don't quite know what it is. Please walk thirty
yards, so that I can get a perspective on the thing. ... Now, then - your head's
right, speed's right, shoulders right, eyes right, chin right, gait, carriage,
general style right - everything's right! And yet the fact remains, the
aggregate's wrong. The account don't balance. Do it again, please ... now I
think I begin to see what it is. Yes, I've struck it. You see, the genuine
spiritlessness is wanting; that's what's the trouble. It's all amateur -
mechanical details all right, almost to a hair; everything about the delusion
perfect, except that it don't delude.«
    »What then, must one do, to prevail?«
    »Let me think. ... I can't seem to quite get at it. In fact there isn't
anything that can right the matter but practice. This is a good place for it:
roots and stony ground to break up your stately gait, a region not liable to
interruption, only one field and one hut in sight, and they so far away that
nobody could see us from there. It will be well to move a little off the road
and put in the whole day drilling you, sire.«
    After the drill had gone on a little while, I said:
    »Now sire, imagine that we are at the door of the hut yonder, and the family
are before us. Proceed, please - accost the head of the house.«
    The king unconsciously straightened up like a monument, and said, with
frozen austerity:
    »Varlet, bring a seat; and serve to me what cheer ye have.«
    »Ah, your grace, that is not well done.«
    »In what lacketh it?«
    »These people do not call each other varlets.«
    »Nay, is that true?«
    »Yes; only those above them call them so.«
    »Then must I try again. I will call him villein.«
    »No-no; for he may be a freeman.«
    »Ah - so. Then peradventure I should call him goodman.«
    »That would answer, your grace, but it would be still better if you said
friend, or brother.«
    »Brother! - to dirt like that?«
    »Ah, but we are pretending to be dirt like that, too.«
    »It is even true. I will say it. Brother, bring a seat, and thereto what
cheer ye have, withal. Now 'tis right.«
    »Not quite, not wholly right. You have asked for one, not us - for one, not
both; food for one, a seat for one.«
    The king looked puzzled - he wasn't't a very heavy weight, intellectually. His
head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a
time, not the whole idea at once.
    »Would you have a seat also - and sit?«
    »If I did not sit, the man would perceive that we were only pretending to be
equals - and playing the deception pretty poorly, too.«
    »It is well and truly said! How wonderful is truth, come it in whatsoever
unexpected form it may! Yes, he must bring out seats and food for both, and in
serving us present not ewer and napkin with more show of respect to one than to
the other.«
    »And there is even yet a detail that needs correcting. He must bring nothing
outside; we will go in - in among the dirt, and possibly other repulsive things,
- and take the food with the household, and after the fashion of the house, and
all on equal terms, except the man be of the serf class; and finally, there will
be no ewer and no napkin, whether he be serf or free. Please walk again, my
liege. There - it is better - it is the best yet; but not perfect. The shoulders
have known no ignobler burden than iron mail, and they will not stoop.«
    »Give me, then, the bag. I will learn the spirit that goeth with burdens
that have not honour. It is the spirit that stoopeth the shoulders, I ween, and
not the weight; for armour is heavy, yet is it a proud burden, and a man standeth
straight in it. ... Nay, but me no buts, offer me no objections. I will have the
thing. Strap it upon my back.«
    He was complete, now, with that knapsack on, and looked as little like a
king as any man I had ever seen. But it was an obstinate pair of shoulders; they
could not seem to learn the trick of stooping with any sort of deceptive
naturalness. The drill went on, I prompting and correcting:
    »Now, make believe you are in debt, and eaten up by relentless creditors;
you are out of work - which is horse-shoeing, let us say - and can get none; and
your wife is sick, your children are crying because they are hungry -«
    And so-on, and so-on. I drilled him as representing, in turn, all sorts of
people out of luck and suffering dire privations and misfortunes. But lord, it
was only just words, words, - they meant nothing in the world to him, I might
just as well have whistled. Words realize nothing, vivify nothing to you, unless
you have suffered in your own person the thing which the words try to describe.
There are wise people who talk ever so knowingly and complacently about the
working classes, and satisfy themselves that a day's hard intellectual work is
very much harder than a day's hard manual toil, and is righteously entitled to
much bigger pay. Why, they really think that, you know, because they know all
about the one, but haven't tried the other. But I know all about both; and as
far as I am concerned, there isn't money enough in the universe to hire me to
swing a pickaxe thirty days, but I will do the hardest kind of intellectual work
for just as near nothing as you can cipher it down - and I will be satisfied,
too. Intellectual work is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its
own highest reward. The poorest paid architect, engineer, general, author,
sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor, preacher, singer, is
constructively in heaven when he is at work; and as for the magician with the
fiddle-bow in his hand who sits in the midst of a great orchestra with the
ebbing and flowing tides of divine sound washing over him - why certainly, he is
at work, if you wish to call it that, but lord, it's a sarcasm just the same.
The law of work does seem utterly unfair - but there it is, and nothing can
change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher
shall be his pay in cash, also. And it's also the very law of those transparent
swindles, transmissible nobility and kingship.
 

                                   Chapter 29

                               The Small-Pox Hat

When we arrived at that hut at mid-afternoon, we saw no signs of life about it.
The field nearby had been denuded of its crop some time before, and had a
skinned look, so exhaustively had it been harvested and gleaned. Fences, sheds,
everything had a ruined look, and were eloquent of poverty. No animal was around
anywhere, no living thing in sight. The stillness was awful, it was like the
stillness of death. The cabin was a one-story one, whose thatch was black with
age, and ragged from lack of repair.
    The door stood a trifle ajar. We approached it stealthily - on tip-toe and
at half-breath - for that is the way one's feeling makes him do, at such a time.
The king knocked. We waited. No answer. Knocked again. No answer. I pushed the
door softly open and looked in. I made out some dim forms, and a woman started
up from the ground and stared at me, as one does who is wakened from sleep.
Presently she found her voice -
    »Have mercy!« she pleaded. »All is taken; nothing is left.«
    »I have not come to take anything, poor woman.«
    »You are not a priest?«
    »No.«
    »Nor come not from the lord of the manor?«
    »No, I am a stranger.«
    »Oh, then, for the fear of God, who visits with misery and death such as be
harmless, tarry not here, but fly! This place is under his curse - and his
Church's.«
    »Let me come in and help you - you are sick and in trouble.«
    I was better used to the dim light, now. I could see her hollow eyes fixed
upon me, I could see how emaciated she was.
    »I tell you the place is under the Church's ban. Save yourself - and go,
before some straggler see thee here, and report it.«
    »Give yourself no trouble about me; I don't care anything for the Church's
curse. Let me help you.«
    »Now all good spirits - if there be any such - bless thee for that word.
Would God I had a sup of water! - but hold, hold, forget I said it, and fly; for
there is that here that even he that feareth not the Church must fear: this
disease whereof we die. Leave us, thou brave good stranger, and take with thee
such whole and sincere blessing as them that be accursed can give.«
    But before this, I had picked up a wooden bowl and was rushing past the king
on my way to the brook. It was ten yards away. When I got back and entered, the
king was within, and was opening the shutter that closed the window-hole, to let
in air and light. The place was full of a foul stench. I put the bowl to the
woman's lips, and as she gripped it with her eager talons, the shutter came open
and a strong light flooded her face. Small-pox!
    I sprang to the king, and said in his ear:
    »Out of the door on the instant, sire! the woman is dying of that disease
that wasted the skirts of Camelot two years ago.«
    He did not budge.
    »Of a truth I shall remain - and likewise help.«
    I whispered again:
    »King, it must not be. You must go.«
    »Ye mean well, and ye speak not unwisely. But it were shame that a king
should know fear, and shame that belted knight should withhold his hand where be
such as need succor. Peace, I will not go. It is you who must go. The Church's
ban is not upon me, but it forbiddeth you to be here, and she will deal with you
with a heavy hand an word come to her of your trespass.«
    It was a desperate place for him to be in, and might cost him his life, but
it was no use to argue with him. If he considered his knightly honour at stake
here, that was the end of argument; he would stay, and nothing could prevent it;
I was aware of that. And so I dropped the subject. The woman spoke:
    »Fair sir, of your kindness will ye climb the ladder there, and bring me
news of what ye find? Be not afraid to report, for times can come when even a
mother's heart is past breaking - being already broke.«
    »Abide,« said the king, »and give the woman to eat. I will go.« And he put
down the knapsack.
    I turned to start, but the king had already started. He halted, and looked
down upon a man who lay in a dim light, and had not noticed us, thus far, or
spoken.
    »Is it your husband?« the king asked.
    »Yes.«
    »Is he asleep?«
    »God be thanked for that one charity, yes - these three hours. Where shall I
pay to the full, my gratitude! for my heart is bursting with it for that sleep
he sleepeth now.«
    I said:
    »We will be careful. We will not wake him.«
    »Ah, no, that ye will not, for he is dead.«
    »Dead?«
    »Yes. What triumph it is to know it! None can harm him, none insult him
more. He is in heaven, now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and is
content; for in that place he will find neither abbot nor yet bishop. We were
boy and girl together; we were man and wife these five and twenty years, and
never separated till this day. Think how long that is, to love and suffer
together. This morning was he out of his mind, and in his fancy we were boy and
girl again and wandering in the happy fields; and so in that innocent glad
converse wandered he far and farther, still lightly gossiping, and entered into
those other fields we know not of, and was shut away from mortal sight. And so
there was no parting, for in his fancy I went with him; he knew not but I went
with him, my hand in his - my young soft hand, not this withered claw. Ah, yes,
to go, and know it not; to separate and know it not: how could one go peacefuler
than that? It was his reward for a cruel life patiently borne.«
    There was a slight noise from the direction of the dim corner where the
ladder was. It was the king, descending. I could see that he was bearing
something in one arm, and assisting himself with the other. He came forward into
the light; upon his breast lay a slender girl of fifteen. She was but half
conscious; she was dying of small-pox. Here was heroism at its last and loftiest
possibility, its utmost summit; this was challenging death in the open field
unarmed, with all the odds against the challenger, no reward set upon the
contest, and no admiring world in silks and cloth of gold to gaze and applaud;
and yet the king's bearing was as serenely brave as it had always been in those
cheaper contests where knight meets knight in equal fight and clothed in
protecting steel. He was great, now; sublimely great. The rude statues of his
ancestors in his palace should have an addition - I would see to that; and it
would not be a mailed king killing a giant or a dragon, like the rest, it would
be a king in commoner's garb bearing death in his arms that a peasant mother
might look her last upon her child and be comforted.
    He laid the girl down by her mother, who poured out endearments and caresses
from an overflowing heart, and one could detect a flickering faint light of
response in the child's eyes, but that was all. The mother hung over her,
kissing her, petting her, and imploring her to speak, but the lips only moved,
and no sound came. I snatched my liquor flask from my knapsack, but the woman
forbade me, and said:
    »No - she does not suffer; it is better so. It might bring her back to life.
None that be so good and kind as ye are, would do her that cruel hurt. For look
you - what is left to live for? Her brothers are gone, her father is gone, her
mother goeth, the Church's curse is upon her and none may shelter or befriend
her even though she lay perishing in the road. She is desolate. I have not asked
you, good heart, if her sister be still on live, here overhead; I had no need;
ye had gone back, else, and not left the poor thing forsaken -«
    »She lieth at peace,« interrupted the king, in a subdued voice.
    »I would not change it. How rich is this day in happiness! Ah, my Annis,
thou shalt join thy sister soon - thou'rt on thy way, and these be merciful
friends, that will not hinder.«
    And so she fell to murmuring and cooing over the girl again, and softly
stroking her face and hair, and kissing her and calling her by endearing names;
but there was scarcely sign of response, now, in the glazing eyes. I saw tears
well from the king's eyes, and trickle down his face. The woman noticed them,
too, and said:
    »Ah, I know that sign: thou'st a wife at home, poor soul, and you and she
have gone hungry to bed, many's the time, that the little ones might have your
crust; you know what poverty is, and the daily insults of your betters, and the
heavy hand of the Church and the king.«
    The king winced under this accidental home-shot, but kept still; he was
learning his part; and he was playing it well, too, for a pretty dull beginner.
I struck up a diversion. I offered the woman food, and liquor, but she refused
both. She would allow nothing to come between her and the release of death. Then
I slipped away, and brought the dead child from aloft, and laid it by her. This
broke her down again, and there was another scene that was full of heart-break.
By and by I made another diversion, and beguiled her to sketch her story:
    »Ye know it well, yourselves, having suffered it - for truly none of our
condition in Britain escape it. It is the old, weary tale. We fought and
struggled, and succeeded; meaning by success, that we lived and did not die;
more than that is not to be claimed. No troubles came that we could not outlive,
till this year brought them; then came they all at once, as one might say, and
overwhelmed us. Years ago the lord of the manor planted certain fruit trees on
our farm; in the best part of it, too - a grievous wrong and shame -«
    »But it was his right,« interrupted the king.
    »None denieth that, indeed; an the law mean anything, what is the lord's is
his, and what is mine is his also. Our farm was ours by lease, therefore 'twas
likewise his, to do with it as he would. Some little time ago, three of those
trees were found hewn down. Our three grown sons ran frightened to report the
crime. Well, in his lordship's dungeon there they lie, who saith there shall
they lie and rot till they confess. They have naught to confess, being innocent,
wherefore there will they remain until they die. Ye know that right well, I
ween. Think how this left us: a man, a woman and two children, to gather a crop
that was planted by a so much greater force; yes, and protect it night and day
from pigeons and prowling animals that be sacred and must not be hurt by any of
our sort. When my lord's crop was nearly ready for the harvest, so also was
ours; when his bell rang to call us to his fields to harvest his crops for
nothing, he would not allow that I and my two girls should count for our three
captive sons, but for only two of them; so, for the lacking one were we daily
fined. All this time our own crop was perishing through neglect; and so both the
priest and his lordship fined us because their shares of it were suffering
through damage. In the end the fines ate up our crop - and they took it all;
they took it all, and made us harvest it for them, without pay or food, and we
starving. Then the worst came when I, being out of my mind with hunger and loss
of my boys, and grief to see my husband and my little maids in rags and misery
and despair, uttered a deep blasphemy - oh! a thousand of them! - against the
Church and the Church's ways. It was ten days ago. I had fallen sick with this
disease, and it was to the priest I said the words, for he was come to chide me
for lack of due humility under the chastening hand of God. He carried my
trespass to his betters; I was stubborn, wherefore, presently upon my head, and
upon all heads that were dear to me, fell the curse of Rome.
    Since that day, we are avoided, shunned with horror. None has come near this
hut to know whether we live or not. The rest of us were taken down. Then I
roused me and got up, as wife and mother will. It was little they could have
eaten in any case; it was less than little they had to eat. But there was water,
and I gave them that. How they craved it! and how they blessed it! But the end
came yesterday; my strength broke down. Yesterday was the last time I ever saw
my husband and this youngest child alive. I have lain here all these hours -
these ages, ye may say - listening, listening, for any sound up there that -«
    She gave a sharp quick glance at her eldest daughter, then cried out, »Oh,
my darling!« and feebly gathered the stiffening form to her sheltering arms. She
had recognized the death-rattle.
 

                                   Chapter 30

                         The Tragedy of the Manor House

At midnight all was over, and we sat in the presence of four corpses. We covered
them with such rags as we could find, and started away, fastening the door
behind us. Their home must be these people's grave, for they could not have
Christian burial, or be admitted to consecrated ground. They were as dogs, wild
beasts, lepers, and no soul that valued its hope of eternal life would throw it
away by meddling in any sort with these rebuked and smitten outcasts.
    We had not moved four steps when I caught a sound as of footsteps upon
gravel. My heart flew into my throat. We must not be seen coming from that
house. I plucked at the king's robe and we drew back and took shelter behind the
corner of the cabin.
    »Now we are safe,« I said, »but it was a close call - so to speak. If the
night had been lighter he might have seen us, no doubt, he seemed to be so
near.«
    »Mayhap it is but a beast, and not a man at all.«
    »True. But, man or beast, it will be wise to stay here a minute and let it
get by and out of the way.«
    »Hark! It cometh hither.«
    True again. The step was coming toward us - straight toward the hut. It must
be a beast, then, and we might as well have saved our trepidation. I was going
to step out, but the king laid his hand upon my arm. There was a moment of
silence, then we heard a soft knock on the cabin door. It made me shiver.
Presently the knock was repeated, and then we heard these words, in a guarded
voice:
    »Mother! father! open - we have got free, and we bring news to pale your
cheeks but glad your hearts; and we may not tarry but must fly! And - but they
answer not. Mother! father! -«
    I drew the king toward the other end of the hut and whispered:
    »Come - now we can get to the road.«
    The king hesitated, was going to demur; but just then we heard the door give
way, and knew that those desolate men were in the presence of their dead.
    »Come, my liege! in a moment they will strike a light, and then will follow
that which it would break your heart to hear.«
    He did not hesitate, this time. The moment we were in the road, I ran; and
after a moment he threw dignity aside and followed. I did not want to think of
what was happening in the hut - I couldn't bear it; I wanted to drive it out of
my mind; so I struck into the first subject that lay under that one in my mind:
    »I have had the disease those people died of, and so have nothing to fear;
but if you have not had it also -«
    He broke in upon me to say he was in trouble, and it was his conscience that
was troubling him:
    »These young men have got free, they say - but how? It is not likely that
their lord hath set them free.«
    »Oh, no, I make no doubt they escaped.«
    »That is my trouble; I have a fear that this is so; and your suspicion doth
confirm it, you having the same fear.«
    »I should not call it by that name, though. I do suspect that they escaped,
but if they did, I am not sorry, certainly.«
    »I am not sorry, I think - but -«
    »What is it? What is there for one to be troubled about?«
    »If they did escape, then are we bound in duty to lay hands upon them and
deliver them again to their lord; for it is not seemly that one of his quality
should suffer a so insolent and high-handed outrage from persons of their base
degree.«
    There it was, again. He could see only one side of it. He was born so,
educated so, his veins were full of ancestral blood that was rotten with this
sort of unconscious brutality, brought down by inheritance from a long
procession of hearts that had each done its share toward poisoning the stream.
To imprison these men without proof, and starve their kindred, was no harm, for
they were merely peasants and subject to the will and pleasure of their lord, no
matter what fearful form it might take; but for these men to break out of unjust
captivity was insult and outrage, and a thing not to be countenanced by any
conscientious person who knew his duty to his sacred caste.
    I worked more than half an hour before I got him to change the subject - and
even then an outside matter did it for me. This was a something which caught our
eyes as we struck the summit of a small hill - a red glow, a good way off.
    »That's a fire,« said I.
    Fires interested me considerably, because I was getting a good deal of an
insurance business started, and was also training some horses and building some
steam fire engines, with an eye to a paid fire department by and by. The priests
opposed both my fire and life insurance, on the ground that it was an insolent
attempt to hinder the decrees of God; and if you pointed out that they did not
hinder the decrees in the least, but only modified the hard consequences of them
if you took out policies and had luck, they retorted that that was gambling
against the decrees of God, and was just as bad. So they managed to damage those
industries more or less, but I got even on my Accident business. As a rule, a
knight is a lummox, and sometimes even a labrick, and hence open to pretty poor
arguments when they come glibly from a superstition-monger, but even he could
see the practical side of a thing once in a while; and so of late, you couldn't
clean up a tournament and pile the result without finding one of my accident
tickets in every helmet.
    We stood there a while, in the thick darkness and stillness, looking toward
the red blur in the distance, and trying to make out the meaning of a far-away
murmur that rose and fell fitfully on the night. Sometimes it swelled up and for
a moment seemed less remote; but when we were hopefully expecting it to betray
its cause and nature, it dulled and sank again, carrying its mystery with it. We
started down the hill in its direction, and the winding road plunged us at once
into almost solid darkness - darkness that was packed and crammed in between two
tall forest walls. We groped along down for half a mile, perhaps, that murmur
growing more and more distinct all the time, the coming storm threatening more
and more, with now and then a little shiver of wind, a faint show of lightning,
and dull grumblings of distant thunder. I was in the lead. I ran against
something - a soft, heavy something which gave, slightly, to the impulse of my
weight - at the same moment the lightning glared out, and within a foot of my
face was the writhing face of a man who was hanging from the limb of a tree!
That is, it seemed to be writhing, but it was not. It was a grewsome sight.
Straightway there was an ear-splitting explosion of thunder, and the bottom of
heaven fell out; the rain poured down in a deluge. No matter, we must try to cut
this man down, mustn't we, on the chance that there might be life in him yet?
The lightning came quick and sharp, now, and the place was alternately noonday
and midnight. One moment the man would be hanging before me in an intense light,
and the next he was blotted out again in the darkness. I told the king we must
cut him down. The king at once objected.
    »If he hanged himself, he was willing to lose his property to his lord; so
let him be. If others hanged him, belike they had the right - let him hang.«
    »But -«
    »But me no buts, but even leave him as he is. And for yet another reason.
When the lightning cometh again - there, look abroad.«
    Two others hanging, within fifty yards of us!
    »It is not weather meet for doing useless courtesies unto dead folk. They
are past thanking you. Come - it is unprofitable to tarry here.«
    There was reason in what he said; so we moved on. Within the next mile we
counted six more hanging forms by the blaze of the lightning, and altogether it
was a grisly excursion. That murmur was a murmur no longer, it was a roar; a
roar of men's voices. A man came flying by, now, dimly through the darkness, and
other men chasing him. They disappeared. Presently another case of the kind
occurred, and then another and another. Then a sudden turn of the road brought
us in sight of that fire - it was a large manor house, and little or nothing was
left of it - and everywhere men were flying and other men raging after them in
pursuit.
    I warned the king that this was not a safe place for strangers. We would
better get away from the light, until matters should improve. We stepped back a
little, and hid in the edge of the wood. From this hiding place we saw both men
and women hunted by the mob. The fearful work went on until nearly dawn. Then,
the fire being out and the storm spent, the voices and flying footsteps
presently ceased, and darkness and stillness reigned again.
    We ventured out, and hurried cautiously away; and although we were worn out
and sleepy, we kept on until we had put this place some miles behind us. Then we
asked hospitality at the hut of a charcoal burner, and got what was to be had. A
woman was up and about, but the man was still asleep, on a straw shake-down, on
the clay floor. The woman seemed uneasy until I explained that we were travellers
and had lost our way and been wandering in the woods all night. She became
talkative, then, and asked if we had heard of the terrible goings-on at the
manor house of Abblasoure. Yes, we had heard of them, but what we wanted now,
was rest and sleep. The king broke in:
    »Sell us the house, and take yourselves away, for we be perilous company,
being but late come from people that died of the Spotted Death.«
    It was good of him, but unnecessary. One of the commonest decorations of the
nation was the waffle-iron face. I had early noticed that the woman and her
husband were both so decorated. She made us entirely welcome, and had no fears;
and plainly she was immensely impressed by the king's proposition; for of course
it was a good deal of an event in her life to run across a person of the king's
humble appearance who was ready to buy a man's house for the sake of a night's
lodging. It gave her a large respect for us, and she strained the lean
possibilities of her hovel to their utmost to make us comfortable.
    We slept till far into the afternoon, and then got up hungry enough to make
cotter fare quite palatable to the king, the more particularly as it was scant
in quantity. And also in variety; it consisted solely of onions, salt, and the
national black bread - made out of horse-feed. The woman told us about the
affair of the evening before. At ten or eleven at night, when everybody was in
bed, the manor house burst into flames. The countryside swarmed to the rescue,
and the family were saved, with one exception, the master. He did not appear.
Everybody was frantic over this loss, and two brave yeomen sacrificed their
lives in ransacking the burning house seeking that valuable personage. But after
a while he was found - what was left of him - which was his corpse. It was in a
copse three hundred yards away, bound, gagged, stabbed in a dozen places.
    Who had done this? Suspicion fell upon a humble family of the neighbourhood
who had been lately treated with peculiar harshness by the baron; and from these
people the suspicion easily extended itself to their relatives and familiars. A
suspicion was enough; my lord's liveried retainers proclaimed an instant crusade
against these people, and were promptly joined by the community in general. The
woman's husband had been active with the mob, and had not returned home until
nearly dawn. He was gone, now, to find out what the general result had been.
While we were still talking, he came back from his quest. His report was
revolting enough. Eighteen persons hanged or butchered; and two yeomen and
thirteen prisoners lost in the fire.
    »And how many prisoners were there altogether, in the vaults?«
    »Thirteen.«
    »Then every one of them was lost.«
    »Yes, all.«
    »But the people arrived in time to save the family; how is it they could
save none of the prisoners?«
    The man looked puzzled, and said:
    »Would one unlock the vaults at such a time? Marry, some would have
escaped.«
    »Then you mean that nobody did unlock them?«
    »None went near them, either to lock or unlock. It standeth to reason that
the bolts were fast; wherefore it was only needful to establish a watch, so that
if any broke the bonds he might not escape, but be taken. None were taken.«
    »Natheless, three did escape,« said the king, »and ye will do well to
publish it and set justice upon their track, for these murthered the baron and
fired the house.«
    I was just expecting he would come out with that. For a moment the man and
his wife showed an eager interest in this news and an impatience to go out and
spread it; then a sudden something else betrayed itself in their faces, and they
began to ask questions. I answered the questions myself, and narrowly watched
the effects produced. I was soon satisfied that the knowledge of who these three
prisoners were, had somehow changed the atmosphere; that our hosts' continued
eagerness to go and spread the news was now only pretended and not real. The
king did not notice the change, and I was glad of that. I worked the
conversation around toward other details of the night's proceedings, and noted
that these people were relieved to have it take that direction.
    The painful thing observable about all this business was, the alacrity with
which this oppressed community had turned their cruel hands against their own
class in the interest of the common oppressor. This man and woman seemed to feel
that in a quarrel between a person of their own class and his lord, it was the
natural and proper and rightful thing for that poor devil's whole caste to side
with the master and fight his battle for him, without ever stopping to inquire
into the rights or wrongs of the matter. This man had been out helping to hang
his neighbours, and had done his work with zeal, and yet was aware that there was
nothing against them but a mere suspicion, with nothing back of it describable
as evidence; still neither he nor his wife seemed to see anything horrible about
it.
    This was depressing - to a man with the dream of a republic in his head. It
reminded me of a time thirteen centuries away, when the poor whites of our South
who were always despised, and frequently insulted, by the slave lords around
them, and who owed their base condition simply to the presence of slavery in
their midst, were yet pusillanimously ready to side with the slave lords in all
political moves for the upholding and perpetuating of slavery, and did also
finally shoulder their muskets and pour out their lives in an effort to prevent
the destruction of that very institution which degraded them. And there was only
one redeeming feature connected with that pitiful piece of history; and that
was, that secretly the poor white did detest the slave lord, and did feel his
own shame. That feeling was not brought to the surface, but the fact that it was
there and could have been brought out, under favoring circumstances, was
something - in fact it was enough; for it showed that a man is at bottom a man,
after all, even if it doesn't't show on the outside.
    Well, as it turned out, this charcoal burner was just the twin of the
Southern poor white of the far future. The king presently showed impatience, and
said:
    »An ye prattle here all the day, justice will miscarry. Think ye the
criminals will abide in their father's house? They are fleeing, they are not
waiting. You should look to it that a party of horse be set upon their track.«
    The woman paled slightly, but quite perceptibly, and the man looked
flustered and irresolute. I said:
    »Come, friend, I will walk a little way with you, and explain which
direction I think they would try to take. If they were merely resisters of the
gabelle or some kindred absurdity I would try to protect them from capture; but
when men murder a person of high degree and likewise burn his house, that is
another matter.«
    The last remark was for the king - to quiet him. On the road, the man pulled
his resolution together, and began the march with a steady gait, but there was
no eagerness in it. By and by I said:
    »What relation were these men to you - cousins?«
    He turned as white as his layer of charcoal would let him, and stopped,
trembling.
    »Ah, my God, how knew you that?«
    »I didn't know it; it was a chance guess.«
    »Poor lads, they are lost. And good lads they were, too.«
    »Were you actually going yonder to tell on them?«
    He didn't quite know how to take that; but he said, hesitatingly:
    »Ye-s.«
    »Then I think you are a damned scoundrel!«
    It made him as glad as if I had called him an angel.
    »Say the good words again, brother! for surely ye mean that ye would not
betray me an I failed of my duty.«
    »Duty? There is no duty in the matter, except the duty to keep still and let
those men get away. They've done a righteous deed.«
    He looked pleased; pleased, and touched with apprehension at the same time.
He looked up and down the road to see that no one was coming, and then said in a
cautious voice:
    »From what land come you, brother, that you speak such perilous words, and
seem not to be afraid?«
    »They are not perilous words when spoken to one of my own caste, I take it.
You would not tell anybody I said them?«
    »I? I would be drawn asunder by wild horses first.«
    »Well, then, let me say my say. I have no fears of your repeating it. I
think devil's work has been done last night upon those innocent poor people.
That old baron got only what he deserved. If I had my way, all his kind should
have the same luck.«
    Fear and depression vanished from the man's manner, and gratefulness and a
brave animation took their place:
    »Even though you be a spy, and your words a trap for my undoing, yet are
they such refreshment that to hear them again and others like to them, I would
go to the gallows happy, as having had one good feast at least in a starved
life. And I will say my say, now, and ye may report it if ye be so minded. I
helped to hang my neighbours for that it were peril to my own life to show lack
of zeal in the master's cause; the others helped for none other reason. All
rejoice to-day that he is dead, but all do go about seemingly sorrowing, and
shedding the hypocrite's tear, for in that lies safety. I have said the words, I
have said the words! the only ones that have ever tasted good in my mouth, and
the reward of that taste is sufficient. Lead on, an ye will, be it even to the
scaffold; for I am ready.«
    There it was, you see. A man is a man, at bottom. Whole ages of abuse and
oppression cannot crush the manhood clear out of him. Whoever thinks it a
mistake, is himself mistaken. Yes, there is plenty good enough material for a
republic in the most degraded people that ever existed - even the Russians;
plenty of manhood in them - even in the Germans - if one could but force it out
of its timid and suspicious privacy, to overthrow and trample in the mud any
throne that ever was set up and any nobility that ever supported it. We should
see certain things yet, let us hope and believe. First, a modified monarchy,
till Arthur's days were done, then the destruction of the throne, nobility
abolished, every member of it bound out to some useful trade, universal suffrage
instituted, and the whole government placed in the hands of the men and women of
the nation there to remain. Yes, there was no occasion to give up my dream yet a
while.
 

                                   Chapter 31

                                     Marco

We strolled along in a sufficiently indolent fashion, now, and talked. We must
dispose of about the amount of time it ought to take to go to the little hamlet
of Abblasoure and put justice on the track of those murderers and get back home
again. And meantime I had an auxiliary interest which had never paled yet, never
lost its novelty for me, since I had been in Arthur's kingdom: the behaviour -
born of nice and exact subdivisions of caste - of chance passers-by toward each
other. Toward the shaven monk who trudged along with his cowl tilted back and
the sweat washing down his fat jowls, the coal burner was deeply reverent; to
the gentleman he was abject; with the small farmer and the free mechanic he was
cordial and gossipy; and when a slave passed by with countenance respectfully
lowered, this chap's nose was in the air - he couldn't even see him. Well, there
are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.
    Presently we struck an incident. A small mob of half naked boys and girls
came tearing out of the woods, scared and shrieking. The eldest among them were
not more than twelve or fourteen years old. They implored help, but they were so
beside themselves that we couldn't make out what the matter was. However, we
plunged into the wood, they skurrying in the lead, and the trouble was quickly
revealed: they had hanged a little fellow with a bark rope, and he was kicking
and struggling, in the process of choking to death. We rescued him, and fetched
him around. It was some more human nature; the admiring little folk imitating
their elders; they were playing mob, and had achieved a success which promised
to be a good deal more serious than they had bargained for.
    It was not a dull excursion for me. I managed to put in the time very well.
I made various acquaintanceships, and in my quality of stranger was able to ask
as many questions as I wanted to. A thing which naturally interested me, as a
statesman, was the matter of wages. I picked up what I could under that head
during the afternoon. A man who hasn't had much experience, and doesn't't think,
is apt to measure a nation's prosperity or lack of prosperity by the mere size
of the prevailing wages: if the wages be high, the nation is prosperous; if low,
it isn't. Which is an error. It isn't what sum you get, it's how much you can
buy with it that's the important thing; and it's that that tells whether your
wages are high in fact or only high in name. I could remember how it was in the
time of our great civil war in the nineteenth century. In the North, a carpenter
got three dollars a day, gold valuation; in the South he got fifty - payable in
Confederate shin-plasters worth a dollar a bushel. In the North, a suit of
overalls cost three dollars - a day's wages; in the South it cost seventy-five -
which was two days' wages. Other things were in proportion. Consequently, wages
were twice as high in the North as they were in the South, because the one wage
had that much more purchasing power than the other had.
    Yes, I made various acquaintances in the hamlet, and a thing that gratified
me a good deal, was, to find our new coins in circulation - lots of milrays,
lots of mills, lots of cents, a good many nickels, and some silver; all this
among the artisans and commonalty generally; yes, and even some gold - but that
was at the bank, that is to say, the goldsmith's. I dropped in there while Marco
the son of Marco was haggling with a shopkeeper over a quarter of a pound of
salt, and asked for change for a twenty-dollar gold-piece. They furnished it, -
that is, after they had chewed the piece, and rung it on the counter, and tried
acid on it, and asked me where I got it, and who I was, and where I was from,
and where I was going to, and when I expected to get there, and perhaps a couple
of hundred more questions; and when they got aground, I went right on and
furnished them a lot of information voluntarily: told them I owned a dog, and
his name was Watch, and my first wife was a Free Will Baptist, and her
grandfather was a Prohibitionist, and I used to know a man that had two thumbs
on each hand and a wart on the inside of his upper lip, and died in the hope of
a glorious resurrection, and so-on, and so-on, and so-on, till even that hungry
village questioner began to look satisfied, and also a shade put out; but he had
to respect a man of my financial strength, and so he didn't give me any lip, but
I noticed he took it out of his underlings, which was a perfectly natural thing
to do. Yes, they changed my twenty, but I judged it strained the bank a little,
which was a thing to be expected, for it was the same as walking into a paltry
village store in the nineteenth century and requiring the boss of it to change a
twothousand-dollar bill for you all of a sudden. He could do it, maybe; but at
the same time he would wonder how a small farmer happened to be carrying so much
money around in his pocket; which was probably this goldsmith's thought, too;
for he followed me to the door and stood there gazing after me with reverent
admiration.
    Our new money was not only handsomely circulating, but its language was
already glibly in use; that is to say, people had dropped the names of the
former moneys, and spoke of things as being worth so many dollars or cents or
mills or milrays, now. It was very gratifying. We were progressing, that was
sure.
    I got to know several master mechanics, but about the most interesting
fellow among them was the blacksmith, Dowley. He was a live man and a brisk
talker, and had two journeymen and three apprentices, and was doing a raging
business. In fact, he was getting rich, hand over fist, and was vastly
respected. Marco was very proud of having such a man for a friend. He had taken
me there ostensibly to let me see the big establishment which bought so much of
his charcoal, but really to let me see what easy and almost familiar terms he
was on with this great man. Dowley and I fraternized at once; I had had just
such picked men, splendid fellows, under me in the Colt arms-factory. I was
bound to see more of him, so I invited him to come out to Marco's, Sunday, and
dine with us. Marco was appalled, and held his breath; and when the grandee
accepted, he was so grateful that he almost forgot to be astonished at the
condescension.
    Marco's joy was exuberant - but only for a moment; then he grew thoughtful,
then sad; and when he heard me tell Dowley I should have Dickon the boss mason,
and Smug the boss wheelwright out there, too, the coal-dust on his face turned
to chalk, and he lost his grip. But I knew what was the matter with him; it was
the expense. He saw ruin before him; he judged that his financial days were
numbered. However, on our way to invite the others, I said:
    »You must allow me to have these friends come; and you must also allow me to
pay the costs.«
    His face cleared, and he said with spirit:
    »But not all of it, not all of it. Ye cannot well bear a burden like to this
alone.«
    I stopped him, and said:
    »Now let's understand each other on the spot, old friend. I am only a farm
bailiff, it is true; but I am not poor, nevertheless. I have been very fortunate
this year - you would be astonished to know how I have thriven. I tell you the
honest truth when I say I could squander away as many as a dozen feasts like
this and never care that for the expense!« and I snapped my fingers. I could see
myself rise a foot at a time in Marco's estimation, and when I fetched out those
last words I was become a very tower, for style and altitude. »So you see, you
must let me have my way. You can't contribute a cent to this orgy, that's
settled.«
    »It's grand and good of you -«
    »No, it isn't. You've opened your house to Jones and me in the most generous
way; Jones was remarking upon it to-day, just before you came back from the
village; for although he wouldn't be likely to say such a thing to you, -
because Jones isn't a talker, and is diffident in society, - he has a good heart
and a grateful, and knows how to appreciate it when he is well treated; yes, you
and your wife have been very hospitable toward us -«
    »Ah, brother, 'tis nothing - such hospitality!«
    »But it is something; the best a man has, freely given, is always something,
and is as good as a prince can do, and ranks right along beside it - for even a
prince can but do his best. And so we'll shop around and get up this layout,
now, and don't you worry about the expense. I'm one of the worst spendthrifts
that ever was born. Why, do you know, sometimes in a single week I spend - but
never mind about that - you'd never believe it anyway.«
    And so we went gadding along, dropping in, here and there, pricing things,
and gossiping with the shopkeepers about the riot, and now and then running
across pathetic reminders of it, in the persons of shunned and tearful and
houseless remnants of families whose homes had been taken from them and their
parents butchered or hanged. The raiment of Marco and his wife was of coarse
tow-linen and linsey-woolsey respectively, and resembled township maps, it being
made up pretty exclusively of patches which had been added, township by
township, in the course of five or six years, until hardly a hand's breadth of
the original garments was surviving and present. Now I wanted to fit these
people out with new suits, on account of that swell company, and I didn't know
just how to get at it with delicacy, until at last it struck me that as I had
already been liberal in inventing wordy gratitude for the king, it would be just
the thing to back it up with evidence of a substantial sort; so I said:
    »And Marco, there's another thing which you must permit - out of kindness
for Jones - because you wouldn't want to offend him. He was very anxious to
testify his appreciation in some way, but he is so diffident he couldn't venture
it himself, and so he begged me to buy some little things and give them to you
and Dame Phyllis and let him pay for them without your ever knowing they came
from him - you know how a delicate person feels about that sort of thing - and
so I said I would, and we would keep mum. Well, his idea was, a new outfit of
clothes for you both -«
    »Oh, it is wastefulness! It may not be, brother, it may not be. Consider the
vastness of the sum -«
    »Hang the vastness of the sum! Try to keep quiet for a moment, and see how
it would seem; a body can't get in a word edgeways, you talk so much. You ought
to cure that, Marco; it isn't good form, you know, and it will grow on you, if
you don't check it. Yes, we'll step in here, now, and price this man's stuff -
and don't forget to remember to not let on to Jones that you know he had
anything to do with it. You can't think how curiously sensitive and proud he is.
He's a farmer - pretty fairly well-to-do farmer - and I'm his bailiff; but - the
imagination of that man! Why, sometimes when he forgets himself, and gets to
blowing off, you'd think he was one of the swells of the earth; and you might
listen to him a hundred years and never take him for a farmer - especially if he
talked agriculture. He thinks he's a Sheol of a farmer; thinks he's old Grayback
from Wayback; but between you and me privately he don't know as much about
farming as he does about a running a kingdom - still, whatever he talks about,
you want to drop your underjaw and listen, the same as if you had never heard
such incredible wisdom in all your life before, and were afraid you might die
before you got enough of it. That will please Jones.«
    It tickled Marco to the marrow to hear about such an odd character; but it
also prepared him for accidents; and in my experience, when you travel with a
king who is letting on to be something else and can't remember it more than
about half the time, you can't take too many precautions.
    This was the best store we had come across yet; it had everything in it, in
small quantities, from anvils and dry goods all the way down to fish and
pinchbeck jewellery. I concluded I would bunch my whole invoice right here, and
not go pricing around any more. So I got rid of Marco, by sending him off to
invite the mason and the wheelwright, which left the field free to me. For I
never care to do a thing in a quiet way; it's got to be theatrical, or I don't
take any interest in it. I showed up money enough, in a careless way, to corral
the shopkeeper's respect, and then I wrote down a list of the things I wanted,
and handed it to him to see if he could read it. He could, and was proud to show
that he could. He said he had been educated by a priest, and could read and
write both. He ran it through, and remarked with satisfaction that it was a
pretty heavy bill. Well, and so it was, for a little concern like that. I was
not only providing a swell dinner, but some odds and ends of extras. I ordered
that the things be carted out and delivered at the dwelling of Marco the son of
Marco by Saturday evening, and send me the bill at dinner time Sunday. He said I
could depend upon his promptness and exactitude, it was the rule of the house.
He also observed that he would throw in a couple of miller-guns for the Marcos
gratis - that everybody was using them, now. He had a mighty opinion of that
clever device. I said:
    »And please fill them up to the middle mark, too; and add that to the bill.«
    He would, with pleasure. He filled them, and I took them with me. I couldn't
venture to tell him that the miller-gun was a little invention of my own, and
that I had officially ordered that every shopkeeper in the kingdom keep them on
hand and sell them at government price - which was the merest trifle, and the
shopkeeper got that, not the government. We furnished them for nothing.
    The king had hardly missed us when we got back at nightfall. He had early
dropped again into his dream of a grand invasion of Gaul with the whole strength
of his kingdom at his back, and the afternoon had slipped away without his ever
coming to himself again.
 

                                   Chapter 32

                              Dowley's Humiliation

Well, when that cargo arrived, toward sunset, Saturday afternoon, I had my hands
full to keep the Marcos from fainting. They were sure Jones and I were ruined
past help, and they blamed themselves as accessories to this bankruptcy. You
see, in addition to the dinner-materials, which called for a sufficiently round
sum, I had bought a lot of extras for the future comfort of the family: for
instance, a big lot of wheat, a delicacy as rare to the tables of their class as
was ice cream to a hermit's; also a sizeable deal dinner-table; also two entire
pounds of salt, which was another piece of extravagance in those people's eyes;
also crockery, stools, the clothes, a small cask of beer, and so-on. I
instructed the Marcos to keep quiet about this sumptuousness, so as to give me a
chance to surprise the guests and show off a little. Concerning the new clothes,
the simple couple were like children; they were up and down, all night, to see
if it wasn't't nearly daylight, so that they could put them on, and they were into
them at last as much as an hour before dawn was due. Then their pleasure - not
to say delirium - was so fresh and novel and inspiring that the sight of it paid
me well for the interruptions which my sleep had suffered. The king had slept
just as usual - like the dead. The Marcos could not thank him for their clothes,
that being forbidden; but they tried every way they could think of to make him
see how grateful they were. Which all went for nothing: he didn't notice any
change.
    It turned out to be one of those rich and rare fall days which is just a
June day toned down to a degree where it is heaven to be out of doors. Toward
noon the guests arrived and we assembled under a great tree and were soon as
sociable as old acquaintances. Even the king's reserve melted a little, though
it was some little trouble to him to adjust himself to the name of Jones along
at first. I had asked him to try to not forget that he was a farmer; but I had
also considered it prudent to ask him to let the thing stand at that, and not
elaborate it any. Because he was just the kind of person you could depend on to
spoil a little thing like that if you didn't warn him, his tongue was so handy,
and his spirit so willing, and his information so uncertain.
    Dowley was in fine feather, and I early got him started, and then adroitly
worked him around onto his own history for a text and himself for a hero, and
then it was good to sit there and hear him hum. Self-made man, you know. They
know how to talk. They do deserve more credit than any other breed of men, yes,
that is true; and they are among the very first to find it out, too. He told how
he had begun life an orphan lad without money and without friends able to help
him; how he had lived as the slaves of the meanest master lived; how his day's
work was from sixteen to eighteen hours long, and yielded him only enough black
bread to keep him in a half-fed condition; how his faithful endeavours finally
attracted the attention of a good blacksmith, who came near knocking him dead
with kindness by suddenly offering, when he was totally unprepared, to take him
as his bound apprentice for nine years and give him board and clothes and teach
him the trade - or mystery, as Dowley called it. That was his first great rise,
his first gorgeous stroke of fortune; and you saw that he couldn't yet speak of
it without a sort of eloquent wonder and delight that such a gilded promotion
should have fallen to the lot of a common human being. He got no new clothing
during his apprenticeship, but on his graduation day his master tricked him out
in spang-new tow-linens and made him feel unspeakably rich and fine.
    »I remember me of that day!« the wheelwright sung out, with enthusiasm.
    »And I likewise!« cried the mason. »I would not believe they were thine own;
in faith I could not.«
    »Nor others!« shouted Dowley, with sparkling eyes. »I was like to lose my
character, the neighbours wending I had mayhap been stealing. It was a great day,
a great day; one forgetteth not days like that.«
    Yes, and his master was a fine man, and prosperous, and always had a great
feast of meat twice in the year, and with it white bread, true wheaten bread; in
fact, lived like a lord, so to speak. And in time Dowley succeeded to the
business and married the daughter.
    »And now consider what is come to pass,« said he, impressively. »Two times
in every month there is fresh meat upon my table.« He made a pause here, to let
that fact sink home, then added - »and eight times, salt meat.«
    »It is even true,« said the wheelwright, with bated breath.
    »I know it of mine own knowledge,« said the mason, in the same reverent
fashion.
    »On my table appeareth white bread every Sunday in the year,« added the
master smith, with solemnity. »I leave it to your own consciences, friends, if
this is not also true?«
    »By my head, yes!« cried the mason.
    »I can testify it - and I do,« said the wheelwright.
    »And as to furniture, ye shall say yourselves what mine equipment is.« He
waved his hand in fine gesture of granting frank and unhampered freedom of
speech, and added: »Speak as ye are moved; speak as ye would speak an I were not
here.«
    »Ye have five stools, and of the sweetest workmanship at that, albeit your
family is but three,« said the wheelwright, with deep respect.
    »And six wooden goblets, and six platters of wood and two of pewter to eat
and drink from withal,« said the mason, impressively, »and I say it as knowing
God is my judge, and we tarry not here alway, but must answer at the last day
for the things said in the body, be they false or be they sooth.«
    »Now ye know what manner of man I am, Brother Jones,« said the smith with a
fine and friendly condescension, »and doubtless ye would look to find me a man
jealous of his due of respect and but sparing of outgo to strangers till their
rating and quality be assured, but trouble yourself not, as concerning that; wit
ye well ye shall find me a man that regardeth not these matters but is willing
to receive any he as his fellow and equal that carrieth a right heart in his
body, be his worldly estate howsoever modest. And in token of it, here is my
hand; and I say with my own mouth we are equals - equals« - and he smiled around
on the company with the satisfaction of a god who is doing the handsome and
gracious thing, and is quite well aware of it.
    The king took the hand with a poorly disguised reluctance, and let go of it
as willingly as a lady lets go of a fish; all of which had a good effect, for it
was mistaken for an embarrassment natural to one who was being beamed upon by
greatness.
    The dame brought out the table, now, and set it under the tree. It caused a
visible stir of surprise, it being brand new and a sumptuous article of deal.
But the surprise rose higher still, when the dame, with a body oozing easy
indifference at every pore, but eyes that gave it all away by absolutely flaming
with vanity, slowly unfolded an actual simon-pure table-cloth and spread it.
That was a notch above even the blacksmith's domestic grandeurs, and it hit him
hard; you could see it. But Marco was in Paradise; you could see that, too. Then
the dame brought two fine-new stools - whew! that was a sensation; it was
visible in the eyes of every, guest. Then she brought two more - as calmly as
she could. Sensation again - with awed murmurs. Again she brought two - walking
on air, she was so proud. The guests were petrified, and the mason muttered:
    »There is that about earthly pomps which doth ever move to reverence.«
    As the dame turned away, Marco couldn't help slapping on the climax while
the thing was hot; so he said with what was meant for a languid composure but
was a poor imitation of it:
    »These suffice; leave the rest.«
    So there were more yet! It was a fine effect. I couldn't have played the
hand better, myself.
    From this out, the madam piled up the surprises with a rush that fired the
general astonishment up to a hundred and fifty in the shade, and at the same
time paralysed expression of it down to gasped »Oh's« and »Ah's,« and mute
upliftings of hands and eyes. She fetched crockery - new, and plenty of it; new
wooden goblets and other table furniture; and beer, fish, chicken, a goose,
eggs, roast beef, roast mutton, a ham, a small roast pig, and a wealth of
genuine white wheaten bread. Take it by and large, that spread laid everything
far and away in the shade that ever that crowd had seen before. And while they
sat there just simply stupefied with wonder and awe, I sort of waved my hand as
if by accident, and the store-keeper's son emerged from space and said he had
come to collect.
    »That's all right,« I said, indifferently. »What is the amount? give us the
items.«
    Then he read off this bill, while those three amazed men listened, and
serene waves of satisfaction rolled over my soul, and alternate waves of terror
and admiration surged over Marco's:
 
2 pounds salt 200
8 dozen pints beer, in the wood 800
3 bushels wheat 2,700
2 pounds fish 100
3 hens 400
1 goose 400
3 dozen eggs 150
1 roast of beef 450
1 roast of mutton 400
1 ham 800
1 sucking pig 500
2 crockery dinner sets 6,000
2 men's suits and underwear 2,800
8 wooden goblets 800
1 stuff and 1 linsey-woolsey
gown and underwear 1,600
Various table furniture 10,000
1 deal table 3,000
8 stools 4,000
2 miller-guns, loaded 3,000
 
He ceased. There was a pale and awful silence. Not a limb stirred. Not a nostril
betrayed the passage of breath.
    »Is that all?« I asked, in a voice of the most perfect calmness.
    »All, fair sir, save that certain matters of light moment are placed
together under a head hight sundries. If it would like you, I will sepa -«
    »It is of no consequence,« I said, accompanying the words with a gesture of
the most utter indifference; »give me the grand total, please.«
    The clerk leaned against the tree to stay himself, and said:
    »Thirty-nine thousand one hundred and fifty milrays!«
    The wheelwright fell off his stool, the others grabbed the table to save
themselves, and there was a deep and general ejaculation of -
    »God be with us in the day of disaster!«
    The clerk hastened to say:
    »My father chargeth me to say he cannot honourably require you to pay it all
at this time, and therefore only prayeth you -«
    I paid no more heed than if it were the idle breeze, but with an air of
indifference amounting almost to weariness, got out my money and tossed four
dollars onto the table. Ah, you should have seen them stare!
    The clerk was astonished and charmed. He asked me to retain one of the
dollars as security, until he could go to town and - I interrupted:
    »What, and fetch back nine cents? Nonsense. Take the whole. Keep the
change.«
    There was an amazed murmur, to this effect:
    »Verily this being is made of money! He throweth it away even as it were
dirt.«
    The blacksmith was a crushed man.
    The clerk took his money and reeled away drunk with fortune. I said to Marco
and his wife:
    »Good folk, here is a little trifle for you« - handing the miller-guns as if
it was a matter of no consequence, though each of them contained fifteen cents
in solid cash; and while the poor creatures went to pieces with astonishment and
gratitude, I turned to the others and said as calmly as one would ask the time
of day:
    »Well, if we are all ready, I judge the dinner is. Come; fall to.«
    Ah, well, it was immense; yes, it was a daisy. I don't know that I ever put
a situation together better, or got happier spectacular effects out of the
materials available. The blacksmith - well, he was simply mashed. Land! I
wouldn't have felt what that man was feeling, for anything in the world. Here he
had been blowing and bragging about his grand meat-feast twice a year, and his
fresh meat twice a month, and his salt meat twice a week, and his white bread
every Sunday the year round - all for a family of three: the entire cost for the
year not above 69.2.6 (sixty-nine cents, two mills and six milrays,) and all of
a sudden here comes along a man who slashes out nearly four dollars on a single
blow-out; and not only that, but acts as if it made him tired to handle such
small sums. Yes, Dowley was a good deal wilted, and shrunk-up, and collapsed; he
had the aspect of a bladder-balloon that's been stepped on by a cow.
 

                                   Chapter 33

                        Sixth-Century Political Economy

However, I made a dead set at him, and before the first third of the dinner was
reached, I had him happy again. It was easy to do - in a country of ranks and
castes. You see, in a country where they have ranks and castes, a man isn't ever
a man, he is only part of a man; he can't ever get his full growth. You prove
your superiority over him in station, or rank, or fortune, and that's the end of
it - he knuckles down. You can't insult him after that. No, I don't mean quite
that; of course you can insult him, I only mean it's difficult; and so, unless
you've got a lot of useless time on your hands, it doesn't't pay to try. I had the
smith's reverence, now, because I was apparently immensely prosperous and rich;
I could have had his adoration if I had had some little gimcrack title of
nobility. And not only his, but any commoner's in the land, though he were the
mightiest production of all the ages, in intellect, worth, and character, and I
bankrupt in all three. This was to remain so, as long as England should exist in
the earth. With the spirit of prophecy upon me, I could look into the future and
see her erect statues and monuments to her unspeakable Georges and other royal
and noble clothes-horses, and leave unhonored the creators of this world - after
God - Gutenberg, Watt, Arkwright, Whitney, Morse, Stephenson, Bell.
    The king got his cargo aboard, and then, the talk not turning upon battle,
conquest, or iron-clad duel, he dulled down to drowsiness, and went off to take
a nap. Mrs. Marco cleared the table, placed the beer-keg handy, and went away to
eat her dinner of leavings in humble privacy, and the rest of us soon drifted
into matters near and dear to the hearts of our sort - business and wages, of
course. At a first glance, things appeared to be exceeding prosperous in this
little tributary kingdom - whose lord was King Bagdemagus - as compared with the
state of things in my own region. They had the protection system in full force,
here, whereas we were working along down toward free trade, by easy stages, and
were now about half way. Before long, Dowley and I were doing all the talking,
the others hungrily listening. Dowley warmed to his work, snuffed an advantage
in the air, and began to put questions which he considered pretty awkward ones
for me, and they did have something of that look:
    »In your country, brother, what is the wage of a master bailiff, master
hind, carter, shepherd, swineherd?«
    »Twenty-five milrays a day; that is to say, a quarter of a cent.«
    The smith's face beamed with joy. He said:
    »With us they are allowed the double of it! And what may a mechanic get -
carpenter, dauber, mason, painter, blacksmith, wheelwright, and the like?«
    »On the average, fifty milrays: half a cent a day.«
    »Ho-ho! With us they are allowed a hundred! With us any good mechanic is
allowed a cent a day! I count out the tailor, but not the others - they are all
allowed a cent a day, and in driving times they get more - yes, up to a hundred
and ten and even fifteen milrays a day. I've paid a hundred and fifteen myself,
within the week. Rah for protection - to Sheol with free trade!«
    And his face shone upon the company like a sunburst. But I didn't scare at
all. I rigged up my pile-driver, and allowed myself fifteen minutes to drive him
into the earth - drive him all in - drive him in till not even the curve of his
skull should show above ground. Here is the way I started in on him. I asked:
    »What do you pay a pound for salt?«
    »A hundred milrays.«
    »We pay 40. What do you pay for beef and mutton - when you buy it?« That was
a neat hit; it made the colour come:
    »It varieth somewhat, but not much; one may say 75 milrays the pound.«
    »We say 33. What do you pay for eggs?«
    »Fifty milrays the dozen.«
    »We pay 20. What do you pay for beer?«
    »It costeth us 81/2 milrays the pint.«
    »We get it for 4; 25 bottles for a cent. What do you pay for wheat?«
    »At the rate of 900 milrays the bushel.«
    »We pay 400. What do you pay for a man's tow-linen suit?«
    »Thirteen cents.«
    »We pay 6. What do you pay for a stuff gown for the wife of the labourer or
the mechanic?«
    »We pay 8.4.0.«
    »Well, observe the difference: you pay eight cents and four mills, we pay
only four cents.« I prepared, now, to sock it to him. I said, »Look here, dear
friend, what's become of your high wages you were bragging so about, a few
minutes ago?« - and I looked around on the company with placid satisfaction, for
I had slipped up on him gradually and tied him hand and foot, you see, without
his ever noticing that he was being tied at all. »What's become of those noble
high wages of yours? - I seem to have knocked the stuffing all out of them, it
appears to me.«
    But if you will believe me, he merely looked surprised, that is all! he
didn't grasp the situation at all; didn't know he had walked into a trap, didn't
discover that he was in a trap. I could have shot him, from sheer vexation. With
cloudy eye and a struggling intellect, he fetched this out:
    »Marry, I seem not to understand. It is proved that our wages be double
thine; how then may it be that thou'st knocked therefrom the stuffing? - an I
miscall not the wonderly word, this being the first time under grace and
providence of God it hath been granted me to hear it.«
    Well, I was stunned; partly with this unlooked-for stupidity on his part,
and partly because his fellows so manifestly sided with him and were of his mind
- if you might call it mind. My position was simple enough, plain enough; how
could it ever be simplified more? However, I must try:
    »Why look here, Brother Dowley, don't you see? Your wages are merely higher
than ours in name, not in fact.«
    »Hear him! They are the double - ye have confessed it yourself.«
    »Yes-yes, I don't deny that at all. But that's got nothing to do with it;
the amount of the wages in mere coins, with meaningless names attached to them
to know them by, has got nothing to do with it. The thing is, how much can you
buy with your wages? - that's the idea. While it is true that with you a good
mechanic is allowed about three dollars and a half a year, and with us only
about a dollar and seventy-five -«
    »There - ye're confessing it again, ye're confessing it again!«
    »Consound it, I've never denied it I tell you! What I say is this. With us,
half a dollar buys more than a dollar buys with you - and therefore it stands to
reason and the commonest kind of common sense, that our wages are higher than
yours.«
    He looked dazed; and said, despairingly:
    »Verily I cannot make it out. Ye've just said ours are the higher, and with
the same breath ye take it back.«
    »Oh, great Scott, isn't it possible to get such a simple thing through your
head? Now look here - let me illustrate. We pay four cents for a woman's stuff
gown, you pay 8.4.0., which is 4 mills more than double. What do you allow a
labouring woman who works on a farm?«
    »Two mills a day.«
    »Very good; we allow but half as much; we pay her only a tenth of a cent a
day; and -«
    »Again ye're conf -«
    »Wait! Now, you see, the thing is very simple; this time you'll understand
it. For instance, it takes your woman 42 days to earn her gown, at 2 mills a day
- 7 weeks' work; but ours earns hers in 40 days - two days short of 7 weeks.
Your woman has a gown, and her whole 7 weeks' wages are gone; ours has a gown,
and two days' wages left, to buy something else with. There - now you understand
it!«
    He looked - well he merely looked dubious, it's the most I can say; so did
the others. I waited - to let the thing work. Dowley spoke at last - and
betrayed the fact that he actually hadn't gotten away from his rooted and
grounded superstitions yet. He said, with a trifle of hesitancy:
    »But - but - ye cannot fail to grant that two mills a day is better than
one.«
    Shucks! Well, of course I hated to give it up. So I chanced another flyer:
    »Let us suppose a case. Suppose one of your journeymen goes out and buys the
following articles:
 
1 pound of salt;
1 dozen eggs;
1 dozen pints of beer;
1 bushel of wheat;
1 tow-linen suit;
5 pounds of beef;
5 pounds of mutton.
 
The lot will cost him 32 cents. It takes him 32 working days to earn the money -
5 weeks and 2 days. Let him come to us and work 32 days at half the wages; he
can buy all those things for a shade under 141/2 cents; they will cost him a
shade under 29 days' work, and he will have about half a week's wages over.
Carry it through the year: he would save nearly a week's wages every two months,
your man nothing; thus saving five or six weeks' wages in a year, your man not a
cent. Now I reckon you understand that high wages and low wages are phrases that
don't mean anything in the world until you find out which of them will buy the
most!«
    It was a crusher.
    But alas, it didn't crush. No, I had to give it up. What those people valued
was high wages; it didn't seem to be a matter of any consequence to them whether
the high wages would buy anything or not. They stood for protection, and swore
by it; which was reasonable enough, because interested parties had gulled them
into the notion that it was protection which had created their high wages. I
proved to them that in a quarter of a century their wages had advanced but 30
per cent, while the cost of living had gone up 100; and that with us, in a
shorter time, wages had advanced 40 per cent while the cost of living had gone
steadily down. But it didn't do any good. Nothing could unseat their strange
beliefs.
    Well, I was smarting under a sense of defeat. Undeserved defeat, but what of
that? That didn't soften the smart any. And to think of the circumstances! the
first statesman of the age, the capablest man, the best informed man in the
entire world, the loftiest uncrowned head that had moved through the clouds of
any political firmament for centuries, sitting here apparently defeated in
argument by an ignorant country blacksmith! And I could see that those others
were sorry for me! - which made me blush till I could smell my whiskers
scorching. Put yourself in my place; feel as mean as I did, as ashamed as I felt
- wouldn't you have struck below the belt, to get even? Yes, you would; it is
simply human nature. Well, that is what I did. I am not trying to justify it;
I'm only saying that I was mad, and anybody would have done it.
    Well, when I make up my mind to hit a man, I don't plan out a love-tap; no,
that isn't my way; as long as I'm going to hit him at all, I'm going to hit him
a lifter. And I don't jump at him all of a sudden, and risk making a blundering
half-way business of it; no, I get away off yonder to one side, and work up on
him gradually, so that he never suspects that I'm going to hit him at all; and
by and by, all in a flash, he's flat of his back, and he can't tell for the life
of him how it all happened. That is the way I went for Brother Dowley. I started
to talking, lazy and comfortable, as if I was just talking to pass the time; and
the oldest man in the world couldn't have taken the bearings of my
starting-place and guessed where I was going to fetch up:
    »Boys, there's a good many curious things about law, and custom, and usage,
and all that sort of thing, when you come to look at it; yes, and about the
drift and progress of human opinion and movement, too. There are written laws -
they perish; but there are also unwritten laws - they are eternal. Take the
unwritten law of wages: it says they've got to advance, little by little,
straight through the centuries. And notice how it works. We know what wages are
now, here and there and yonder; we strike an average, and say that's the wages
of to-day. We know what the wages were a hundred years ago, and what they were
two hundred years ago; that's as far back as we can get, but it suffices to give
us the law of progress, the measure and rate of the periodical augmentation; and
so, without a document to help us, we can come pretty close to determining what
the wages were three and four and five hundred years ago. Good, so far. Do we
stop there? No. We stop looking backward; we face around and apply the law to
the future. My friends, I can tell you what people's wages are going to be at
any date in the future you want to know, for hundreds and hundreds of years.«
    »What, goodman, what!«
    »Yes. In seven hundred years, wages will have risen to six times what they
are now, here in your region, and farm hands will be allowed 3 cents a day, and
mechanics 6.«
    »I would I might die now, and live then!« interrupted Smug the wheelwright,
with a fine avaricious glow in his eye.
    »And that isn't all; they'll get their board besides - such as it is: it
won't bloat them. Two hundred and fifty years later - pay attention, now - a
mechanic's wages will be - mind you, this is law, not guess-work; a mechanic's
wages will then be twenty cents a day!«
    There was a general gasp of awed astonishment. Dickon the mason murmured,
with raised eyes and hands:
    »More than three weeks' pay for one day's work!«
    »Riches! - of a truth, yes, riches!« muttered Marco, his breath coming quick
and short, with excitement.
    »Wages will keep on rising, little by little, little by little, as steadily
as a tree grows; and at the end of three hundred and forty years more there'll
be at least one country where the mechanic's average wage will be two hundred
cents a day!«
    It knocked them absolutely dumb! Not a man of them could get his breath for
upwards of two minutes. Then the coal-burner said prayerfully:
    »Might I but live to see it!«
    »It is the income of an earl!« said Smug.
    »An earl, say ye?« said Dowley; »ye could say more than that, and speak no
lie; there's no earl in the realm of Bagdemagus that hath an income like to
that. Income of an earl - mf! it's the income of an angel!«
    »Now then, that is what is going to happen as regards wages. In that remote
day, that man will earn, with one week's work, that bill of goods which it takes
you upwards of five weeks to earn now. Some other pretty surprising things are
going to happen, too. Brother Dowley, who is it that determines, every spring,
what the particular wage of each kind of mechanic, labourer, and servant shall be
for that year?«
    »Sometimes the courts, sometimes the town council; but most of all, the
magistrate. Ye may say, in general terms, it is the magistrate that fixes the
wages.«
    »Doesn't ask any of those poor devils to help him fix their wages for them,
does he?«
    »Hm! That were an idea! The master that's to pay him the money is the one
that's rightly concerned in that matter, ye will notice.«
    »Yes - but I thought the other man might have some little trifle at stake in
it, too; and even his wife and children, poor creatures. The masters are these:
nobles, rich men, the prosperous generally. These few, who do no work, determine
what pay the vast hive shall have, who do work. You see? they're a combine - a
trade union, to coin a new phrase - who band themselves together to force their
lowly brother to take what they choose to give. Thirteen hundred years hence -
so says the unwritten law - the combine will be the other way, and then how
these fine people's posterity will fume and fret and grit their teeth over the
insolent tyranny of trade unions! Yes, indeed! the magistrate will tranquilly
arrange the wages from now clear away down into the nineteenth century; and then
all of a sudden the wage-earner will consider that a couple of thousand years or
so is enough of this one-sided sort of thing, and he will rise up and take a
hand in fixing his wages himself. Ah, he will have a long and bitter account of
wrong and humiliation to settle.«
    »Do ye believe -«
    »That he actually will help to fix his own wages? Yes, indeed. And he will
be strong and able, then.«
    »Brave times, brave times, of a truth!« sneered the prosperous smith.
    »Oh - and there's another detail. In that day, a master may hire a man for
only just one day, or one week, or one month at a time, if he wants to.«
    »What?«
    »It's true. Moreover, a magistrate won't be able to force a man to work for
a master a whole year on a stretch, whether the man wants to or not.«
    »Will there be no law or sense in that day?«
    »Both of them, Dowley. In that day a man will be his own property, not the
property of magistrate and master. And he can leave town whenever he wants to,
if the wages don't suit him! - and they can't put him in the pillory for it.«
    »Perdition catch such an age!« shouted Dowley, in strong indignation. »An
age of dogs, an age barren of reverence for superiors and respect for authority!
The pillory -«
    »Oh, wait, brother; say no good word for that institution. I think the
pillory ought to be abolished.«
    »A most strange idea. Why?«
    »Well, I'll tell you why. Is a man ever put in the pillory for a capital
crime?«
    »No.«
    »Is it right to condemn a man to a slight punishment for a small offence and
then kill him?«
    There was no answer. I had scored my first point! For the first time, the
smith wasn't't up and ready. The company noticed it. Good effect.
    »You don't answer, brother. You were about to glorify the pillory a while
ago, and shed some pity on a future age that isn't going to use it. I think the
pillory ought to be abolished. What usually happens when a poor fellow is put in
the pillory for some little offence that didn't amount to anything in the world?
The mob try to have some fun with him, don't they?«
    »Yes.«
    »They begin by clodding him; and they laugh themselves to pieces to see him
try to dodge one clod, and get hit with another?«
    »Yes.«
    »Then they throw dead cats at him, don't they?«
    »Yes.«
    »Well, then, suppose he has a few personal enemies in that mob - and here
and there a man or a woman with a secret grudge against him - and suppose,
especially, that he is unpopular in the community, for his pride, or his
prosperity, or one thing or another - stones and bricks take the place of clods
and cats presently, don't they?«
    »There is no doubt of it.«
    »As a rule he is crippled for life, isn't he? - jaws broken, teeth smashed
out? - or legs mutilated, gangrened, presently cut off? - or an eye knocked out,
maybe both eyes?«
    »It is true, God knoweth it.«
    »And if he is unpopular he can depend on dying, right there in the stocks,
can't he?«
    »He surely can! One may not deny it.«
    »I take it none of you are unpopular - by reason of pride, or insolence, or
conspicuous prosperity, or any of those things that excite envy and malice among
the base scum of a village? You wouldn't think it much of a risk to take a
chance in the stocks?«
    Dowley winced, visibly. I judged he was hit. But he didn't betray it by any
spoken word. As for the others, they spoke out plainly, and with strong feeling.
They said they had seen enough of the stocks to know what a man's chance in them
was, and they would never consent to enter them if they could compromise on a
quick death by hanging.
    »Well, to change the subject - for I think I've established my point that
the stocks ought to be abolished - I think some of our laws are pretty unfair.
For instance, if I do a thing which ought to deliver me to the stocks, and you
know I did it and yet keep still and don't report me, you will get the stocks if
anybody informs on you.«
    »Ah, but that would serve you but right,« said Dowley, »for you must inform.
So saith the law.«
    The others coincided.
    »Well, all right, let it go, since you vote me down. But there's one thing
which certainly isn't fair. The magistrate fixes a mechanic's wage at 1 cent a
day, for instance. The law says that if any master shall venture, even under
utmost press of business, to pay anything over that cent a day, even for a
single day, he shall be both fined and pilloried for it; and whoever knows he
did it and doesn't't inform, they also shall be fined and pilloried. Now it seems
to me unfair, Dowley, and a deadly peril to all of us, that because you
thoughtlessly confessed, a while ago, that within a week you have paid a cent
and fifteen mil -«
    Oh, I tell you it was a smasher! You ought to have seen them go to pieces,
the whole gang. I had just slipped up on poor smiling and complacent Dowley so
nice and easy and softly, that he never suspected anything was going to happen
till the blow came crashing down and knocked him all to rags.
    A fine effect. In fact as fine as any I ever produced, with so little time
to work it up in. But I saw in a moment that I had overdone the thing a little.
I was expecting to scare them, but I wasn't't expecting to scare them to death.
They were mighty near it, though. You see they had been a whole lifetime
learning to appreciate the pillory; and to have that thing staring them in the
face, and every one of them distinctly at the mercy of me, a stranger, if I
chose to go and report - well, it was awful, and they couldn't seem to recover
from the shock, they couldn't seem to pull themselves together. Pale, shaky,
dumb, pitiful? Why, they weren't any better than so many dead men. It was very
uncomfortable. Of course I thought they would appeal to me to keep mum, and then
we would shake hands, and take a drink all round, and laugh it off, and there an
end. But no; you see I was an unknown person, among a cruelly oppressed and
suspicious people, a people always accustomed to having advantage taken of their
helplessness, and never expecting just or kind treatment from any but their own
families and very closest intimates. Appeal to me to be gentle, to be fair, to
be generous? Of course they wanted to, but they couldn't dare.
 

                                   Chapter 34

                     The Yankee and the King Sold as Slaves

Well, what had I better do? Nothing in a hurry, sure. I must get up a diversion;
anything to employ me while I could think, and while these poor fellows could
have a chance to come to life again. There sat Marco, petrified in the act of
trying to get the hang of his miller-gun - turned to stone, just in the attitude
he was in when my pile-driver fell, the toy still gripped in his unconscious
fingers. So I took it from him and proposed to explain its mystery. Mystery! a
simple little thing like that; and yet it was mystery enough, for that race and
that age. I never saw such an awkward people, with machinery; you see, they were
totally unused to it. The miller-gun was a little double-barreled tube of
toughened glass, with a neat little trick of a spring to it, which upon pressure
would let a shot escape. But the shot wouldn't hurt anybody, it would only drop
into your hand. In the gun were two sizes - wee mustard-seed shot, and another
sort that were several times larger. They were money. The mustard-seed shot
represented milrays, the larger ones mills. So the gun was a purse; and very
handy, too; you could pay out money in the dark with it, with accuracy; and you
could carry it in your mouth; or in your vest pocket, if you had one. I made
them of several sizes - one size so large that it would carry the equivalent of
a dollar. Using shot for money was a good thing for the government; the metal
cost nothing, and the money couldn't be counterfeited, for I was the only person
in the kingdom who knew how to manage a shot tower. Paying the shot soon came to
be a common phrase. Yes, and I knew it would still be passing men's lips, away
down in the nineteenth century, yet none would suspect how and when it
originated.
    The king joined us, about this time, mightily refreshed by his nap, and
feeling good. Anything could make me nervous now, I was so uneasy - for our
lives were in danger; and so it worried me to detect a complacent something in
the king's eye which seemed to indicate that he had been loading himself up for
a performance of some kind or other; confound it, why must he go and choose such
a time as this? I was right. He began, straight off, in the most innocently
artful, and transparent, and lubberly way, to lead up to the subject of
agriculture. The cold sweat broke out all over me. I wanted to whisper in his
ear, »Man, we are in awful danger! every moment is worth a principality till we
get back these men's confidence; don't waste any of this golden time.« But of
course I couldn't do it. Whisper to him? It would look as if we were conspiring.
So I had to sit there, and look calm and pleasant while the king stood over that
dynamite mine and mooned along about his damned onions and things. At first the
tumult of my own thoughts, summoned by the danger-signal and swarming to the
rescue from every quarter of my skull, kept up such a hurrah and confusion and
fifing and drumming that I couldn't take in a word; but presently when my mob of
gathering plans began to crystalize, and fall into position and form line of
battle, a sort of order and quiet ensued, and I caught the boom of the king's
batteries, as if out of remote distance:
    »- were not the best way, methinks, albeit it is not to be denied that
authorities differ as concerning this point, some contending that the onion is
but an unwholesome berry when stricken early from the tree -«
    The audience showed signs of life, and sought each other's eyes in a
surprised and troubled way.
    »- whileas others do yet maintain, with much show of reason, that this is
not of necessity the case, instancing that plums and other like cereals do be
always dug in the unripe state -«
    The audience exhibited distinct distress; yes, and also fear.
    »- yet are they clearly wholesome, the more especially when one doth assuage
the asperities of their nature by admixture of the tranquilizing juice of the
wayward cabbage -«
    The wild light of terror began to glow in these men's eyes, and one of them
muttered, »These be errors, every one - God hath surely smitten the mind of this
farmer.« I was in miserable apprehension; I sat upon thorns.
    - »and further instancing the known truth that in the case of animals, the
young, which may be called the green fruit of the creature, is the better, all
confessing that when a goat is ripe, his fur doth heat and sore engame his
flesh, the which defect, taken in connection with his several rancid habits, and
fulsome appetites, and godless attitudes of mind, and bilious quality of morals
-«
    They rose and went for him! With a fierce shout, »The one would betray us,
the other is mad! kill them! kill them!« they flung themselves upon us. What joy
flamed up in the king's eye! He might be lame in agriculture, but this kind of
thing was just in his line. He had been fasting long, he was hungry for a fight.
He hit the blacksmith a crack under the jaw that lifted him clear off his feet
and stretched him flat of his back. »St. George for Britain!« and he downed the
wheelwright. The mason was big, but I laid him out like nothing. The three
gathered themselves up and came again; went down again; came again; and kept on
repeating this, with native British pluck, until they were battered to jelly;
reeling with exhaustion, and so blind that they couldn't tell us from each
other; and yet they kept right on, hammering away with what might was left in
them. Hammering each other - for we stepped aside and looked on while they
rolled and struggled, and gouged, and pounded and bit, with the strict and
wordless attention to business of so many bulldogs. We looked on without
apprehension, for they were fast getting past ability to go for help against us,
and the arena was far enough from the public road to be safe from intrusion.
    Well, while they were gradually playing out, it suddenly occurred to me to
wonder what had become of Marco. I looked around; he was nowhere to be seen. Oh,
but this was ominous! I pulled the king's sleeve, and we glided away and rushed
for the hut. No Marco there, no Phyllis there! They had gone to the road for
help, sure. I told the king to give his heels wings, and I would explain later.
We made good time across the open ground, and as we darted into the shelter of
the wood I glanced back and saw a mob of excited peasants swarm into view, with
Marco and his wife at their head. They were making a world of noise, but that
couldn't hurt anybody; the wood was dense, and as soon as we were well into its
depths, we would take to a tree and let them whistle. Ah, but then came another
sound - dogs! Yes, that was quite another matter. It magnified our contract - we
must find running water.
    We tore along at a good gait, and soon left the sounds far behind and
modified to a murmur. We struck a stream, and darted into it. We waded swiftly
down it, in the dim forest light, for as much as three hundred yards, and then
came across an oak with a great bough sticking out over the water. We climbed up
on this bough, and began to work our way along it to the body of the tree; now
we began to hear those sounds more plainly; so the mob had struck our trail. For
a while the sounds approached pretty fast. And then for another while they
didn't. No doubt the dogs had found the place where we had entered the stream,
and were now waltzing up and down the shores trying to pick up the trail again.
    When we were snugly lodged in the tree, and curtained with foliage, the king
was satisfied, but I was doubtful. I believed we could crawl along a branch and
get into the next tree, and I judged it worth while to try. We tried it, and
made a success of it, though the king slipped, at the junction, and came near
failing to connect. We got comfortable lodgement, and satisfactory concealment
among the foliage, and then we had nothing to do but listen to the hunt.
    Presently we heard it coming - and coming on the jump, too; yes, and down
both sides of the stream. Louder - louder - next minute it swelled swiftly up
into a roar of shoutings, barkings, tramplings, and swept by like a cyclone.
    »I was afraid that the overhanging branch would suggest something to them,«
said I, »but I don't mind the disappointment. Come, my liege, it were well that
we make good use of our time. We've flanked them. Dark is coming on, presently.
If we can cross the stream and get a good start, and borrow a couple of horses
from somebody's pasture to use for a few hours, we shall be safe enough.«
    We started down, and got nearly to the lowest limb, when we seemed to hear
the hunt returning. We stopped to listen.
    »Yes,« said I, »they're baffled, they've given it up, they're on their way
home. We will climb back to our roost again, and let them go by.«
    So we climbed back. The king listened a moment and said:
    »They still search - I wit the sign. We did best to abide.«
    He was right. He knew more about hunting than I did. The noise approached
steadily, but not with a rush. The king said:
    »They reason that we were advantaged by no parlous start of them, and being
on foot, are as yet no mighty way from where we took the water.«
    »Yes, sire, that is about it, I am afraid, though I was hoping better
things.«
    The noise drew nearer and nearer, and soon the van was drifting under us, on
both sides of the water. A voice called a halt, from the other bank, and said:
    »An they were so minded, they could get to yon tree by this branch that
overhangs, and yet not touch ground. Ye will do well to send a man up it.«
    »Marry, that will we do!«
    I was obliged to admire my cuteness in foreseeing this very thing and
swapping trees to beat it. But don't you know, there are some things that can
beat smartness and foresight? Awkwardness and stupidity can. The best swordsman
in the world doesn't't need to fear the second best swordsman in the world; no,
the person for him to be afraid of is some ignorant antagonist who has never had
a sword in his hand before; he doesn't't do the thing he ought to do, and so the
expert isn't prepared for him; he does the thing he ought not to do: and often
it catches the expert out, and ends him on the spot. Well, how could I, with all
my gifts, make any valuable preparation against a nearsighted, cross-eyed,
pudding-headed clown who would aim himself at the wrong tree and hit the right
one? And that is what he did. He went for the wrong tree, which was of course
the right one, by mistake, and up he started.
    Matters were serious, now. We remained still, and awaited developments. The
peasant toiled his difficult way up. The king raised himself up and stood; he
made a leg ready, and when the comer's head arrived in reach of it there was a
dull thud, and down went the man floundering to the ground. There was a wild
outbreak of anger, below, and the mob swarmed in from all around, and there we
were, treed, and prisoners. Another man started up; the bridging bough was
detected, and a volunteer started up the tree that furnished the bridge. The
king ordered me to play Horatius and keep the bridge. For a while the enemy came
thick and fast; but no matter, the head man of each procession always got a
buffet that dislodged him as soon as he came in reach. The king's spirits rose,
his joy was limitless. He said that if nothing occurred to mar the prospect we
should have a beautiful night, for on this line of tactics we could hold the
tree against the whole countryside.
    However, the mob soon came to that conclusion themselves; wherefore they
called off the assault and began to debate other plans. They had no weapons, but
there were plenty of stones, and stones might answer. We had no objections. A
stone might possibly penetrate to us once in a while, but it wasn't't very likely;
we were well protected by boughs and foliage, and were not visible from any good
aiming-point. If they would but waste half an hour in stone-throwing, the dark
would come to our help. We were feeling very well satisfied. We could smile;
almost laugh.
    But we didn't; which was just as well, for we should have been interrupted.
Before the stones had been raging through the leaves and bouncing from the
boughs fifteen minutes, we began to notice a smell. A couple of sniffs of it was
enough of an explanation: it was smoke! Our game was up, at last. We recognized
that. When smoke invites you, you have to come. They raised their pile of dry
brush and damp weeds higher and higher, and when they saw the thick cloud begin
to roll up and smother the tree, they broke out in a storm of joy-clamors. I got
enough breath to say:
    »Proceed, my liege; after you is manners.«
    The king gasped:
    »Follow me down, and then back thyself against one side of the trunk, and
leave me the other. Then will we fight. Let each pile his dead according to his
own fashion and taste.«
    Then he descended, barking and coughing, and I followed. I struck the ground
an instant after him; we sprang to our appointed places, and began to give and
take with all our might. The pow-wow and racket were prodigious; it was a
tempest of riot and confusion and thick falling blows. Suddenly some horsemen
tore into the midst of the crowd, and a voice shouted:
    »Hold - or ye are dead men!«
    How good it sounded! The owner of the voice bore all the marks of a
gentleman: picturesque and costly raiment, the aspect of command, a hard
countenance, with complexion and features marred by dissipation. The mob fell
humbly back, like so many spaniels. The gentleman inspected us critically, then
said, sharply, to the peasants:
    »What are ye doing to these people?«
    »They be madmen, worshipful sir, that have come wandering we know not
whence, and -«
    »Ye know not whence? Do ye pretend ye know them not?«
    »Most honoured sir, we speak but the truth. They are strangers and unknown to
any in this region; and they be the most violent and bloodthirsty madmen that
ever -«
    »Peace! Ye know not what ye say. They are not mad. Who are ye? And whence
are ye? Explain.«
    »We are but peaceful strangers, sir,« I said, »and travelling upon our own
concerns. We are from a far country and unacquainted here. We have purposed no
harm; and yet but for your brave interference and protection these people would
have killed us. As you have divined, sir, we are not mad; neither are we violent
or bloodthirsty.«
    The gentleman turned to his retinue and said calmly:
    »Lash me these animals to their kennels!«
    The mob vanished in an instant; and after them plunged the horse-men, laying
about them with their whips, and pitilessly riding down such as were witless
enough to keep the road instead of taking to the bush. The shrieks and
supplications presently died away in the distance, and soon the horsemen began
to straggle back. Meantime the gentleman had been questioning us more closely,
but had dug no particulars out of us. We were lavish of recognition of the
service he was doing us, but we revealed nothing more than that we were
friendless strangers from a far country. When the escort were all returned, the
gentleman said to one of his servants:
    »Bring the led horses and mount these people.«
    »Yes, my lord.«
    We were placed toward the rear among the servants. We travelled pretty fast,
and finally drew rein some time after dark at a roadside inn some ten or twelve
miles from the scene of our troubles. My lord went immediately to his room,
after ordering his supper, and we saw no more of him. At dawn in the morning we
breakfasted and made ready to start. My lord's chief attendant sauntered forward
at that moment, with indolent grace, and said:
    »Ye have said ye should continue upon this road, which is our direction
likewise; wherefore my lord, the earl Grip, hath given commandment that ye
retain the horses and ride, and that certain of us ride with ye a twenty mile to
a fair town that hight Cambenet, whenso ye shall be out of peril.«
    We could do nothing less than express our thanks and accept the offer. We
jogged along, six in the party, at a moderate and comfortable gait, and in
conversation learned that my lord Grip was a very great personage in his own
region, which lay a day's journey beyond Cambenet. We loitered to such a degree
that it was near the middle of the forenoon when we entered the market square of
the town. We dismounted, and left our thanks once more for my lord, and then
approached a crowd assembled in the centre of the square, to see what might be
the object of interest. It was the remnant of that old peregrinating band of
slaves! So they had been dragging their chains about, all this weary time. That
poor husband was gone, and also many others; and some few purchases had been
added to the gang. The king was not interested, and wanted to move along, but I
was absorbed, and full of pity. I could not take my eyes away from these worn
and wasted wrecks of humanity. There they sat, grouped upon the ground, silent,
uncomplaining, with bowed heads, a pathetic sight. And by hideous contrast, a
redundant orator was making a speech to another gathering, not thirty steps
away, in fulsome laudation of »our glorious British liberties!«
    I was boiling. I had forgotten I was a plebeian, I was remembering I was a
man. Cost what it might, I would mount that rostrum and -
    Click! the king and I were handcuffed together! Our companions, those
servants, had done it; my lord Grip stood looking on. The king burst out in a
fury, and said:
    »What meaneth this ill-mannered jest?«
    My lord merely said to his head miscreant, coolly:
    »Put up the slaves and sell them!«
    Slaves! The word had a new sound - and how unspeakably awful! The king
lifted his manacles, and brought them down with a deadly force; but my lord was
out of the way when they arrived. A dozen of the rascal's servants sprang
forward, and in a moment we were helpless, with our hands bound behind us. We so
loudly and so earnestly proclaimed ourselves freemen, that we got the interested
attention of that liberty-mouthing orator and his patriotic crowd, and they
gathered about us and assumed a very determined attitude. The orator said:
    »If indeed ye are freemen, ye have naught to fear - the God-given liberties
of Britain are about ye for your shield and shelter! [Applause.] Ye shall soon
see. Bring forth your proofs.«
    »What proofs?«
    »Proofs that ye are freemen.«
    Ah - I remembered! I came to myself; I said nothing. But the king stormed
out:
    »Thou'rt insane, man. It were better, and more in reason, that this thief
and scoundrel here prove that we are not freemen.«
    You see, he knew his own laws just as other people so often know the laws:
by words, not by effects. They take a meaning, and get to be very vivid, when
you come to apply them to yourself.
    All hands shook their heads, and looked disappointed; some turned away, no
longer interested. The orator said - and this time in the tones of business, not
of sentiment:
    »An ye do not know your country's laws, it were time ye learned them. Ye are
strangers to us; ye will not deny that. Ye may be freemen, we do not deny that;
but also ye may be slaves. The law is clear: it doth not require the claimant to
prove ye are slaves, it requireth you to prove ye are not.«
    I said:
    »Dear sir, give us only time to send to Astolat; or give us only time to
send to the Valley of Holiness -«
    »Peace, good man, these are extraordinary requests, and you may not hope to
have them granted. It would cost much time, and would unwarrantably
inconvenience your master -«
    »Master, idiot!« stormed the king. »I have no master. I myself am the m-«
    »Silence, for God's sake!«
    I got the words out in time to stop the king. We were in trouble enough
already; it could not help us any to give these people the notion that we were
lunatics.
    There is no use in stringing out the details. The earl put us up and sold us
at auction. This same infernal law had existed in our own South in my own time,
more than thirteen hundred years later, and under it hundreds of free men who
could not prove that they were freemen had been sold into life-long slavery,
without the circumstance making any particular impression upon me; but the
minute the law and the auction block came into my personal experience, a thing
which had been merely improper before, became suddenly hellish. Well, that's the
way we are made.
    Yes, we were sold at auction, like swine. In a big town and an active market
we should have brought a good price; but this place was utterly stagnant, and so
we sold at a figure which makes me ashamed, every time I think of it. The king
of England brought seven dollars, and his prime minister nine; whereas the king
was easily worth twelve dollars and I as easily worth fifteen. But that is the
way things always go; if you force a sale on a dull market, I don't care what
the property is, you are going to make a poor business of it, and you can make
up your mind to it. If the earl had had wit enough to -
    However, there is no occasion for my working my sympathies up on his
account. Let him go, for the present. I took his number, so to speak.
    The slave dealer bought us both, and hitched us onto that long chain of his,
and we constituted the rear of his procession. We took up our line of march and
passed out of Cambenet at noon; and it seemed to me unaccountably strange and
odd, that the king of England and his chief minister, marching manacled and
fettered and yoked, in a slave convoy, could move by all manner of idle men and
women, and under windows where sat the sweet and the lovely, and yet never
attract a curious eye, never provoke a single remark. Dear, dear, it only shows
that there is nothing diviner about a king than there is about a tramp, after
all. He is just a cheap and hollow artificiality when you don't know he is a
king. But reveal his quality, and dear me, it takes your very breath away to
look at him. I reckon we are all fools. Born so, no doubt.
 

                                   Chapter 35

                               A Pitiful Incident

It's a world of surprises. The king brooded; this was natural. What would he
brood about, should you say? Why, about the prodigious nature of his fall, of
course - from the loftiest place in the world to the lowest; from the most
illustrious station in the world to the obscurest; from the grandest vocation
among men to the basest. No, I take my oath that the thing that graveled him
most, to start with, was not this, but the price he had fetched! He couldn't
seem to get over that seven dollars. Well, it stunned me so, when I first found
it out, that I couldn't believe it; it didn't seem natural. But as soon as my
mental sight cleared and I got a right focus on it, I saw I was mistaken: it was
natural. For this reason: a king is a mere artificiality, and so a king's
feelings, like the impulses of an automatic doll, are mere artificialities, but
as a man, he is a reality, and his feelings, as a man, are real, not phantasms.
It shames the average man to be valued below his own estimate of his worth; and
the king certainly wasn't't anything more than an average man, if he was up that
high.
    Confound him, he wearied me with arguments to show that in anything like a
fair market he would have fetched twenty-five dollars, sure - a thing which was
plainly nonsense, and full of the baldest conceit; I wasn't't worth it myself. But
it was tender ground for me to argue on. In fact I had to simply shirk argument
and do the diplomatic instead. I had to throw conscience aside, and brazenly
concede that he ought to have brought twenty-five dollars; whereas I was quite
well aware that in all the ages, the world had never seen a king that was worth
half the money, and during the next thirteen centuries wouldn't see one that was
worth the fourth of it. Yes, he tired me. If he began to talk about the crops;
or about the recent weather; or about the condition of politics; or about dogs,
or cats, or morals, or theology - no matter what - I sighed, for I knew what was
coming: he was going to get out of it a palliation of that tiresome seven-dollar
sale. Wherever we halted, where there was a crowd, he would give me a look which
said, plainly: »If that thing could be tried over again, now, with this kind of
folk, you would see a different result.« Well, when he was first sold, it
secretly tickled me to see him go for seven dollars; but before he was done with
his sweating and worrying I wished he had fetched a hundred. The thing never got
a chance to die, for every day, at one place or another, possible purchasers
looked us over, and as often as any other way, their comment on the king was
something like this:
    »Here's a two-dollar-and-a-half chump with a thirty-dollar style. Pity but
style was marketable.«
    At last this sort of remark produced an evil result. Our owner was a
practical person and he perceived that this defect must be mended if he hoped to
find a purchaser for the king. So he went to work to take the style out of his
sacred majesty. I could have given the man some valuable advice but I didn't;
you mustn't volunteer advice to a slave-driver unless you want to damage the
cause you are arguing for. I had found it a sufficiently difficult job to reduce
the king's style to a peasant's style, even when he was a willing and anxious
pupil; now then, to undertake to reduce the king's style to a slave's style -
and by force - go to! it was a stately contract. Never mind the details - it
will save me trouble to let you imagine them. I will only remark that at the end
of a week there was plenty of evidence that lash and club and fist had done
their work well; the king's body was a sight to see - and to weep over; but his
spirit? - why, it wasn't't even fazed. Even that dull clod of a slave-driver was
able to see that there can be such a thing as a slave who will remain a man till
he dies; whose bones you can break, but whose manhood you can't. This man found
that from his first effort down to his latest, he couldn't ever come within
reach of the king but the king was ready to plunge for him, and did it. So he
gave up, at last, and left the king in possession of his style unimpaired. The
fact is, the king was a good deal more than a king, he was a man; and when a man
is a man, you can't knock it out of him.
    We had a rough time for a month, tramping to and fro in the earth, and
suffering. And what Englishman was the most interested in the slavery question
by that time? His grace the king! Yes; from being the most indifferent, he was
become the most interested. He was become the bitterest hater of the institution
I had ever heard talk. And so I ventured to ask once more a question which I had
asked years before and had gotten such a sharp answer that I had not thought it
prudent to meddle in the matter further: Would he abolish slavery?
    His answer was as sharp as before, but it was music this time; I shouldn't
ever wish to hear pleasanter, though the profanity was not good, being awkwardly
put together, and with the crash-word almost in the middle instead of at the
end, where of course it ought to have been.
    I was ready and willing to get free, now; I hadn't wanted to get free any
sooner. No, I cannot quite say that. I had wanted to, but I had not been willing
to take desperate chances, and had always dissuaded the king from them. But now
- ah, it was a new atmosphere! Liberty would be worth any cost that might be put
upon it, now. I set about a plan, and was straightway charmed with it. It would
require time, yes, and patience, too, a great deal of both. One could invent
quicker ways, and fully as sure ones; but none that would be as picturesque as
this, none that could be made so dramatic. And so I was not going to give this
one up. It might delay us months, but no matter, I would carry it out or break
something.
    Now and then we had an adventure. One night we were overtaken by a
snow-storm while still a mile from the village we were making for. Almost
instantly we were shut up as in a fog, the driving snow was so thick. You
couldn't see a thing, and we were soon lost. The slave-driver lashed us
desperately, for he saw ruin before him, but his lashings only made matters
worse, for they drove us further from the road and from likelihood of succor. So
we had to stop, at last, and slump down in the snow where we were. The storm
continued until toward midnight, then ceased. By this time two of our feebler
men and three of our women were dead, and others past moving and threatened with
death. Our master was nearly beside himself. He stirred up the living, and made
us stand, jump, slap ourselves, to restore our circulation, and he helped as
well as he could with his whip.
    Now came a diversion. We heard shrieks and yells, and soon a woman came
running, and crying; and seeing our group, she flung herself into our midst and
begged for protection. A mob of people came tearing after her, some with
torches, and they said she was a witch who had caused several cows to die by a
strange disease, and practised her arts by help of a devil in the form of a
black cat. This poor woman had been stoned until she hardly looked human, she
was so battered and bloody. The mob wanted to burn her.
    Well, now, what do you suppose our master did? When we closed around this
poor creature to shelter her, he saw his chance. He said, burn her here, or they
shouldn't have her at all. Imagine that! They were willing. They fastened her to
a post; they brought wood and piled it about her; they applied the torch while
she shrieked and pleaded and strained her two young daughters to her breast; and
our brute, with a heart solely for business, lashed us into position about the
stake and warmed us into life and commercial value by the same fire which took
away the innocent life of that poor harmless mother. That was the sort of master
we had. I took his number. That snow-storm cost him nine of his flock; and he
was more brutal to us than ever, after that, for many days together, he was so
enraged over his loss.
    We had adventures, all along. One day we ran into a procession. And such a
procession! All the riff-raff of the kingdom seemed to be comprehended in it;
and all drunk at that. In the van was a cart with a coffin in it, and on the
coffin sat a comely young girl of about eighteen, suckling a baby, which she
squeezed to her breast in a passion of love every little while, and every little
while wiped from its face the tears which her eyes rained down upon it; and
always the foolish little thing smiled up at her, happy and content, kneading
her breast with its dimpled fat hand, which she patted and fondled right over
her breaking heart.
    Men and women, boys and girls, trotted along beside or after the cart,
hooting, shouting profane and ribald remarks, singing snatches of foul song,
skipping, dancing - a very holiday of hellions, a sickening sight. We had struck
a suburb of London, outside the walls, and this was a sample of one sort of
London society. Our master secured a good place for us near the gallows. A
priest was in attendance, and he helped the girl climb up, and said comforting
words to her, and made the under-sheriff provide a stool for her. Then he stood
there by her on the gallows, and for a moment looked down upon the mass of
upturned faces at his feet, then out over the solid pavement of heads that
stretched away on every side, occupying the vacancies far and near, and then
began to tell the story of the case. And there was pity in his voice - how
seldom a sound that was in that ignorant and savage land! I remember every
detail of what he said, except the words he said it in; and so I change it into
my own words:
    »Law is intended to mete out justice. Sometimes it fails. This cannot be
helped. We can only grieve, and be resigned, and pray for the soul of him who
falls unfairly by the arm of the law, and that his fellows may be few. A law
sends this poor young thing to death - and it is right. But another law had
placed her where she must commit her crime or starve, with her child - and
before God that law is responsible for both her crime and her ignominious death!
    A little while ago this young thing, this child of eighteen years, was as
happy a wife and mother as any in England; and her lips were blithe with song,
which is the native speech of glad and innocent hearts. Her young husband was as
happy as she; for he was doing his whole duty, he worked early and late at his
handicraft, his bread was honest bread well and fairly earned, he was
prospering, he was furnishing shelter and sustenance to his family, he was
adding his mite to the wealth of the nation. By consent of a treacherous law,
instant destruction fell upon this holy home and swept it away! That young
husband was waylaid and impressed, and sent to sea. The wife knew nothing of it.
She sought him everywhere, she moved the hardest hearts with the supplications
of her tears, the broken eloquence of her despair. Weeks dragged by, she
watching, waiting, hoping, her mind going slowly to wreck under the burden of
her misery. Little by little all her small possessions went for food. When she
could no longer pay her rent, they turned her out of doors. She begged, while
she had strength; when she was starving, at last, and her milk failing, she
stole a piece of linen cloth of the value of a fourth part of a cent, thinking
to sell it and save her child. But she was seen, by the owner of the cloth. She
was put in jail and brought to trial. The man testified to the facts. A plea was
made for her, and her sorrowful story was told in her behalf. She spoke, too, by
permission, and said she did steal the cloth, but that her mind was so
disordered of late, by trouble, that when she was overborne with hunger all
acts, criminal or other, swam meaningless through her brain and she knew nothing
rightly, except that she was so hungry! For a moment all were touched, and there
was disposition to deal mercifully with her, seeing that she was so young and
friendless, and her case so piteous, and the law that robbed her of her support
to blame as being the first and only cause of her transgression; but the
prosecuting officer replied that whereas these things were all true, and most
pitiful as well, still there was much small theft in these days, and mistimed
mercy here would be a danger to property - Oh, my God, is there no property in
ruined homes, and orphaned babes, and broken hearts that British law holds
precious! - and so he must require sentence.
    When the judge put on his black cap, the owner of the stolen linen rose
trembling up, his lip quivering, his face as gray as ashes; and when the awful
words came he cried out, Oh, poor child, poor child, I did not know it was
death! and fell as a tree falls. When they lifted him up, his reason was gone;
before the sun was set, he had taken his own life. A kindly man; a man whose
heart was right, at bottom; add his murder to this that is to be now done here;
and charge them both where they belong - to the rulers and the bitter laws of
Britain. The time is come, my child; let me pray over thee - not for thee, dear
abused poor heart and innocent, but for them that be guilty of thy ruin and
death, who need it more.«
    After his prayer they put the noose around the young girl's neck, and they
had great trouble to adjust the knot under her ear, because she was devouring
the baby all the time, wildly kissing it, and snatching it to her face and her
breast, and drenching it with tears, and half moaning half shrieking all the
while, and the baby crowing, and laughing, and kicking its feet with delight
over what it took for romp and play. Even the hangman couldn't stand it, but
turned away. When all was ready the priest gently pulled and tugged and forced
the child out of the mother's arms, and stepped quickly out of her reach; but
she clasped her hands, and made a wild spring toward him, with a shriek; but the
rope - and the under-sheriff - held her short. Then she went on her knees and
stretched out her hands and cried:
    »One more kiss - Oh, my God, one more, one more - it is the dying that begs
it!«
    She got it; she almost smothered the little thing. And when they got it away
again, she cried out:
    »Oh, my child, my darling, it will die! It has no home, it has no father, no
friend, no mother -«
    »It has them all!« said that good priest. »All these will I be to it till I
die.«
    You should have seen her face then! Gratitude? Lord, what do you want with
words to express that? Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
She gave that look, and carried it away to the treasury of heaven, where all
things that are divine belong.
 

                                   Chapter 36

                            An Encounter in the Dark

London - to a slave - was a sufficiently uninteresting place. It was merely a
great big village; and mainly mud and thatch. The strees were muddy, crooked,
unpaved. The populace was an ever flocking and drifting swarm of rags, and
splendours, of nodding plumes and shining armour. The king had a palace there; he
saw the outside of it. It made him sigh; yes, and swear a little, in a poor
juvenile sixth-century way. We saw knights and grandees whom we knew, but they
didn't know us in our rags and dirt and raw welts and bruises, and wouldn't have
recognized us if we had hailed them, nor stopped to answer, either, it being
unlawful to speak with slaves on a chain. Sandy passed within ten yards of me,
on a mule - hunting for me, I imagined. But the thing which clean broke my heart
was something which happened in front of our old barrack in a square, while we
were enduring the spectacle of a man being boiled to death in oil for
counterfeiting pennies. It was the sight of a newsboy - and I couldn't get at
him! Still, I had one comfort; here was proof that Clarence was still alive and
banging away. I meant to be with him before long; the thought was full of cheer.
    I had one little glimpse of another thing, one day, which gave me a great
uplift. It was a wire, stretching from housetop to housetop. Telegraph or
telephone, sure. I did very much wish I had a little piece of it. It was just
what I needed, in order to carry out my project of escape. My idea was, to get
loose some night, along with the king, then gag and bind our master, change
clothes with him, batter him into the aspect of a stranger, hitch him to the
slave-chain, assume possession of the property, march to Camelot, and -
    But you get my idea; you see what a stunning dramatic surprise I would wind
up with, at the palace. It was all feasible, if I could only get hold of a
slender piece of iron which I could shape into a lock-pick; I could then undo
the lumbering padlocks with which our chains were fastened, whenever I might
choose. But I never had any luck; no such thing ever happened to fall in my way.
However, my chance came at last. A gentleman who had come twice before to dicker
for me, without result, or indeed any approach to a result, came again. I was
far from expecting to ever belong to him, for the price asked for me, from the
time I was first enslaved, was exorbitant, and always provoked either anger or
derision, yet my master stuck stubbornly to it - twenty-two dollars. He wouldn't
bate a cent. The king was greatly admired, because of his grand physique, but
his kingly style was against him, and he wasn't't saleable; nobody wanted that
kind of a slave. I considered myself safe from parting from him because of my
extravagant price. No, I was not expecting to ever belong to this gentleman whom
I have spoken of, but he had something which I expected would belong to me
eventually, if he would but visit us often enough. It was a steel thing with a
long pin to it, with which his long cloth outside garment was fastened together
in front. There were three of them. He had disappointed me twice, because he did
not come quite close enough to me to make my project entirely safe; but this
time I succeeded; I captured the lower clasp of the three, and when he missed it
he thought he had lost it on the way.
    I had a chance to be glad about a minute; then straightway a chance to be
sad again. For when the purchase was about to fail, as usual, the master
suddenly spoke up and said what would be worded thus - in modern English:
    »I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm tired supporting these two for no good.
Give me twenty-two dollars for this one, and I'll throw the other one in.«
    The king couldn't get his breath, he was in such a fury. He began to choke
and gag, and meantime the master and the gentleman moved away, discussing.
    »An ye will keep the offer open -«
    »'Tis open till the morrow at this hour.«
    »Then will I answer you at that time,« said the gentleman, and disappeared,
the master following him.
    I had a time of it to cool the king down, but I managed it. I whispered in
his ear, to this effect:
    »Your grace will go for nothing, but after another fashion. And so shall I.
To-night we shall both be free.«
    »Ah! How is that?«
    »With this thing which I have stolen, I will unlock these locks and cast off
these chains to-night. When he comes, about nine-thirty, to inspect us for the
night, we will seize him, gag him, batter him, and early in the morning we will
march out of this town, proprietors of this caravan of slaves.«
    That was as far as I went, but the king was charmed and satisfied. That
evening we waited patiently for our fellow slaves to get to sleep and signify it
by the usual sign, for you must not take many chances on those poor fellows if
you can avoid it. It is best to keep your own secrets. No doubt they fidgeted
only about as usual, but it didn't seem so to me. It seemed to me that they were
going to be forever getting down to their regular snoring. As the time dragged
on I got nervously afraid we shouldn't have enough of it left for our needs; so
I made several premature attempts, and merely delayed things by it; for I
couldn't seem to touch a padlock, there in the dark, without starting a rattle
out of it which interrupted somebody's sleep and made him turn over and wake
some more of the gang.
    But finally I did get my last iron off, and was a free man once more. I took
a good breath of relief, and reached for the king's irons. Too late! in comes
the master, with a light in one hand and his heavy walking staff in the other. I
snuggled close among the wallow of snorers, to conceal as nearly as possible
that I was naked of irons; and I kept a sharp lookout and prepared to spring for
my man the moment he should bend over me.
    But he didn't approach. He stopped, gazed absently toward our dusky mass a
minute, evidently thinking about something else; then set down his light, moved
musingly toward the door, and before a body could imagine what he was going to
do, he was out of the door and had closed it behind him.
    »Quick!« said the king. »Fetch him back!«
    Of course it was the thing to do, and I was up and out in a moment. But dear
me, there were no lamps in those days, and it was a dark night. But I glimpsed a
dim figure a few steps away. I darted for it, threw myself upon it, and then
there was a state of things, and lively! We fought and scuffled and struggled,
and drew a crowd in no time. They took an immense interest in the fight, and
encouraged us all they could, and in fact couldn't have been pleasanter or more
cordial if it had been their own fight. Then a tremendous row broke out behind
us, and as much as half of our audience left us, with a rush, to invest some
sympathy in that. Lanterns began to swing in all directions; it was the watch,
gathering from far and near. Presently a halberd fell across my back, as a
reminder, and I knew what it meant. I was in custody. So was my adversary. We
were marched off toward prison, one on each side of the watchman. Here was
disaster, here was a fine scheme gone to sudden destruction! I tried to imagine
what would happen when the master should discover that it was I who had been
fighting him; and what would happen if they jailed us together in the general
apartment for brawlers and petty law-breakers as was the custom; and what might
-
    Just then my antagonist turned his face around in my direction, the freckled
light from the watchman's tin lantern fell on it, and by George, he was the
wrong man!
 

                                   Chapter 37

                              An Awful Predicament

Sleep? It was impossible. It would naturally have been impossible in that
noisome cavern of a jail, with its mangy crowd of drunken, quarrelsome and
song-singing rapscallions. But the thing that made sleep all the more a thing
not to be dreamed of, was my racking impatience to get out of this place and
find out the whole size of what might have happened yonder in the slave quarters
in consequence of that intolerable miscarriage of mine.
    It was a long night, but the morning got around at last. I made a full and
frank explanation to the court. I said I was a slave, the property of the great
Earl Grip, who had arrived just after dark at the Tabard inn in the village on
the other side of the water, and had stopped there over night, by compulsion, he
being taken deadly sick with a strange and sudden disorder. I had been ordered
to cross to the city in all haste and bring the best physician; I was doing my
best; naturally I was running with all my might; the night was dark, I ran
against this common person here, who seized me by the throat and began to pummel
me, although I told him my errand, and implored him, for the sake of the great
earl my master's mortal peril -
    The common person interrupted and said it was a lie; and was going to
explain how I rushed upon him and attacked him without a word -
    »Silence, sirrah!« from the court. »Take him hence and give him a few
stripes whereby to teach him how to treat the servant of a nobleman after a
different fashion another time. Go!«
    Then the court begged my pardon, and hoped I would not fail to tell his
lordship it was in no wise the court's fault that this highhanded thing had
happened. I said I would make it all right, and so took my leave. Took it just
in time, too; he was starting to ask me why I didn't fetch out these facts the
moment I was arrested. I said I would if I had thought of it - which was true -
but that I was so battered by that man that all my wit was knocked out of me -
and so forth and so-on, and got myself away, still mumbling.
    I didn't wait for breakfast. No grass grew under my feet. I was soon at the
slave quarters. Empty - everybody gone! That is, everybody except one body - the
slave-master's. It lay there all battered to pulp; and all about were the
evidences of a terrific fight. There was a rude board coffin on a cart at the
door, and workmen, assisted by the police, were thinning a road through the
gaping crowd in order that they might bring it in.
    I picked out a man humble enough in life to condescend to talk with one so
shabby as I, and got his account of the matter.
    »There were sixteen slaves here. They rose against their master in the
night, and thou seest how it ended.«
    »Yes. How did it begin?«
    »There was no witness but the slaves. They said the slave that was most
valuable got free of his bonds and escaped in some strange way - by magic arts
'twas thought, by reason that he had no key, and the locks were neither broken
nor in any wise injured. When the master discovered his loss, he was mad with
despair, and threw himself upon his people with his heavy stick, who resisted,
and brake his back and in other and divers ways did give him hurts that brought
him swiftly to his end.«
    »This is dreadful. It will go hard with the slaves, no doubt, upon the
trial.«
    »Marry, the trial is over.«
    »Over!«
    »Would they be a week, think you - and the matter so simple? They were not
the half of a quarter of an hour at it.«
    »Why, I don't see how they could determine which were the guilty ones in so
short a time.«
    »Which ones? Indeed they considered not particulars like to that. They
condemned them in a body. Wit ye not the law? - which men say the Romans left
behind them here when they went - that if one slave killeth his master all the
slaves of that man must die for it.«
    »True. I had forgotten. And when will these die?«
    »Belike within a four and twenty hours; albeit some say they will wait a
pair of days more, if peradventure they may find the missing one meantime.«
    The missing one! It made me feel uncomfortable.
    »Is it likely they will find him?«
    »Before the day is spent - yes. They seek him everywhere. They stand at the
gates of the town, with certain of the slaves who will discover him to them if
he cometh, and none can pass out but he will be first examined.«
    »Might one see the place where the rest are confined?«
    »The outside of it - yes. The inside of it - but ye will not want to see
that.«
    I took the address of that prison, for future reference, and then sauntered
off. At the first second-hand clothing shop I came to, up a back street, I got a
rough rig suitable for a common seaman who might be going on a cold voyage, and
bound up my face with a liberal bandage, saying I had a toothache. This
concealed my worst bruises. It was a transformation. I no longer resembled my
former self. Then I struck out for that wire, found it, and followed it to its
den. It was a little room over a butcher's shop - which meant that business
wasn't't very brisk in the telegraphic line. The young chap in charge was drowsing
at his table. I locked the door, and put the vast key in my bosom. This alarmed
the young fellow, and he was going to make a noise; but I said:
    »Save your wind; if you open your mouth you are dead, sure. Tackle your
instrument. Lively, now! Call Camelot.«
    »This doth amaze me! How should such as you know aught of such matters as -«
    »Call Camelot! I am a desperate man. Call Camelot, or get away from the
instrument and I will do it myself.«
    »What - you?«
    »Yes - certainly. Stop gabbling. Call the palace.«
    He made the call.
    »Now then, call Clarence.«
    »Clarence who?«
    »Never mind Clarence who. Say you want Clarence; you'll get an answer.«
    He did so. We waited five nerve-straining minutes - ten minutes - how long
it did seem! - and then came a click that was as familiar to me as a human
voice; for Clarence had been my own pupil.
    »Now, my lad, vacate! They wouldn't have known my touch, maybe, and so your
call was surest; but I'm all right, now.«
    He vacated the place, and cocked his ear to listen - but it didn't win. I
used a cipher. I didn't waste any time in sociabilities with Clarence, but
squared away for business, straight off - thus:
    »The king is here, and in danger. We were captured and brought here as
slaves. We should not be able to prove our identity - and the fact is, I am not
in a position to try. Send a telegram for the palace here which will carry
conviction with it.«
    His answer came straight back:
    »They don't know anything about the telegraph; they haven't had any
experience yet, the line to London is so new. Better not venture that. They
might hang you. Think up something else.«
    Might hang us! Little he knew how closely he was crowding the facts. I
couldn't think up anything for the moment. Then an idea struck me, and I started
it along:
    »Send five hundred picked knights, with Launcelot in the lead; and send them
on the jump. Let them enter by the south-west gate, and look out for the man
with a white cloth around his right arm.«
    The answer was prompt:
    »They shall start in half an hour.«
    »All right, Clarence; now tell this lad here that I'm a friend of yours and
a dead-head; and that he must be discreet and say nothing about this visit of
mine.«
    The instrument began to talk to the youth, and I hurried away. I fell to
ciphering. In half an hour it would be nine o'clock. Knights and horses in heavy
armour couldn't travel very fast. These would make the best time they could, and
now that the ground was in good condition, and no snow or mud, they would
probably make a seven mile gait; they would have to change horses a couple of
times; they would arrive about six, or a little after; it would be still plenty
light enough; they would see the white cloth which I should tie around my right
arm, and I would take command. We would surround that prison and have the king
out in no time. It would be showy and picturesque enough, all things considered,
though I would have preferred noonday, on account of the more theatrical aspect
the thing would have.
    Now then, in order to increase the strings to my bow, I thought I would look
up some of those people whom I had formerly recognized, and make myself known.
That would help us out of our scrape, without the knights. But I must proceed
cautiously, for it was a risky business. I must get into sumptuous raiment, and
it wouldn't do to run and jump into it. No, I must work up to it by degrees,
buying suit after suit of clothes, in shops wide apart, and getting a little
finer article with each change, until I should finally reach silk and velvet,
and be ready for my project. So I started.
    But the scheme fell through like scat! The first corner I turned, I came
plump upon one of our slaves, snooping around with a watchman. I coughed, at the
moment, and he gave me a sudden look that bit right into my marrow. I judge he
thought he had heard that cough before. I turned immediately into a shop and
worked along down the counter, pricing things, and watching out of the corner of
my eye. Those people had stopped, and were talking together and looking in at
the door. I made up my mind to get out the back way if there was a back way, and
I asked the shopwoman if I could step out there and look for the escaped slave,
who was believed to be in hiding back there somewhere, and said I was an officer
in disguise, and my pard was yonder at the door with one of the murderers in
charge, and would she be good enough to step there and tell him he needn't wait,
but had better go at once to the further end of the back alley and be ready to
head him off when I rousted him out.
    She was blazing with eagerness to see one of those already celebrated
murderers, and she started on the errand at once. I slipped out the back way,
locked the door behind me, put the key in my pocket and started off, chuckling
to myself, and comfortable.
    Well, I had gone and spoiled it again, made another mistake. A double one,
in fact. There were plenty of ways to get rid of that officer by some simple and
plausible device, but no, I must pick out a picturesque one; it is the crying
defect of my character. And then, I had ordered my procedure upon what the
officer, being human, would naturally do; whereas when you are least expecting
it, a man will now and then go and do the very thing which it's not natural for
him to do. The natural thing for the officer to do, in this case, was to follow
straight on my heels; he would find a stout oaken door, securely locked, between
him and me; before he could break it down, I should be far away and engaged in
slipping into a succession of baffling disguises which would soon get me into a
sort of raiment which was a surer protection from meddling law-dogs in Britain
than any amount of mere innocence and purity of character. But instead of doing
the natural thing, the officer took me at my word, and followed my instructions.
And so, as I came trotting out of that cul de sac, full of satisfaction with my
own cleverness, he turned the corner and I walked right into his handcuffs. If I
had known it was a cul de sac - however, there isn't any excusing a blunder like
that; let it go. Charge it up to profit and loss.
    Of course I was indignant, and swore I had just come ashore from a long
voyage, and all that sort of thing - just to see, you know, if it would deceive
that slave. But it didn't. He knew me. Then I reproached him for betraying me.
He was more surprised than hurt. He stretched his eyes wide, and said:
    »What, wouldst have me let thee, of all men, escape and not hang with us,
when thou'rt the very cause of our hanging? Go to!«
    »Go to« was their way of saying »I should smile!« or »I like that!« Queer
talkers, those people.
    Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his view of the case, and so I
dropped the matter. When you can't cure a disaster by argument, what is the use
to argue? It isn't my way. So I only said:
    »You're not going to be hanged. None of us are.«
    Both men laughed, and the slave said:
    »Ye have not ranked as a fool - before. You might better keep your
reputation, seeing the strain would not be for long.«
    »It will stand it, I reckon. Before to-morrow we shall be out of prison, and
free to go where we will, besides.«
    The witty officer lifted at his left ear with his thumb, made a rasping
noise in his throat, and said:
    »Out of prison, yes - ye say true. And free likewise to go where ye will, so
ye wander not out of his grace the Devil's sultry realm.«
    I kept my temper, and said, indifferently:
    »Now I suppose you really think we are going to hang within a day or two.«
    »I thought it not many minutes ago; for so the thing was decided and
proclaimed.«
    »Ah, then you've changed your mind, is that it?«
    »Even that. I only thought, then; I know, now.«
    I felt sarcastical; so I said:
    »Oh, sapient servant of the law, condescend to tell us, then, what you know.
«
    »That ye will all be hanged to-day, at mid-afternoon! ... Oho-o! that shot
hit home! Lean upon me.«
    The fact is, I did need to lean upon somebody. My knights couldn't arrive in
time. They would be as much as three hours too late. Nothing in the world could
save the king of England; nor me, which was more important. More important, not
merely to me, but to the nation - the only nation on earth standing ready to
blossom into civilization. I was sick. I said no more; there wasn't't anything to
say. I knew what the man meant: that if the missing slave was found, the
postponement would be revoked, the execution take place to-day. Well, the
missing slave was found.
 

                                   Chapter 38

                    Sir Launcelot and Knights to the Rescue

Nearing four in the afternoon. The scene was just outside the walls of London. A
cool, comfortable, superb day, with a brilliant sun; the kind of day to make one
want to live, not die. The multitude was prodigious and far reaching; and yet we
sixteen poor devils hadn't a friend in it. There was something painful in that
thought, look at it how you might. There we sat, on our tall scaffold, the butt
of the hate and mockery of all those enemies. We were being made a holiday
spectacle. They had built a sort of grand stand for the nobility and gentry, and
these were there in full force, with their ladies. We recognized a good many of
them. The crowd got a brief and unexpected dash of diversion out of the king.
The moment we were freed of our bonds he sprang up, in his fantastic rags, with
face bruised out of all recognition, and proclaimed himself Arthur, king of
Britain, and denounced the awful penalties of treason upon every soul there
present if hair of his sacred head were touched. It startled and surprised him
to hear them break into a vast roar of laughter. It wounded his dignity, and he
locked himself up in silence, then, although the crowd begged him to go on, and
tried to provoke him to it by cat-calls, jeers, and shouts of -
    »Let him speak! the king! the king! his humble subjects hunger and thirst
for words of wisdom out of the mouth of their master his Serene and Sacred
Raggedness!«
    But it went for nothing. He put on all his majesty and sat under this rain
of contempt and insult unmoved. He certainly was great, in his way. Absently, I
had taken off my white bandage and wound it about my right arm. When the crowd
noticed this, they began upon me. They said:
    »Doubtless this sailor-man is his minister - observe his costly badge of
office!«
    I let them go on until they got tired, and then I said:
    »Yes, I am his minister, The Boss; and to-morrow you will hear that from
Camelot which -«
    I got no further. They drowned me out with joyous derision. But presently
there was silence; for the sheriffs of London, in their official robes, with
their subordinates, began to make a stir which indicated that business was about
to begin. In the hush which followed, our crime was recited, the death warrant
read, then everybody uncovered while a priest uttered a prayer.
    Then a slave was blindfolded, the hangman unslung his rope. There lay the
smooth road below us, we upon one side of it, the banked multitude walling its
other side - a good clear road, and kept free by the police - how good it would
be to see my five hundred horsemen come tearing down it! But no, it was out of
the possibilities. I followed its receding thread out into the distance - not a
horseman on it, or sign of one.
    There was a jerk, and the slave hung dangling; dangling and hideously
squirming, for his limbs were not tied.
    A second rope was unslung, in a moment another slave was dangling.
    In a minute a third slave was struggling in the air. It was dreadful. I
turned away my head a moment, and when I turned back I missed the king! They
were blindfolding him! I was paralysed; I couldn't move, I was choking, my
tongue was petrified. They finished blindfolding him, they led him under the
rope. I couldn't shake off that clinging impotence. But when I saw them put the
noose around his neck then everything let go in me, and I made a spring to the
rescue - and as I made it I shot one more glance abroad - by George, here they
came, a-tilting! - five hundred mailed and belted knights on bicycles!
    The grandest sight that ever was seen. Lord, how the plumes streamed, how
the sun flamed and flashed from the endless procession of webby wheels!
    I waved my right arm as Launcelot swept in - he recognized my rag - I tore
away noose and bandage, and shouted:
    »On your knees, every rascal of you, and salute the king! Who fails shall
sup in hell to-night!«
    I always use that high style when I'm climaxing an effect. Well, it was
noble to see Launcelot and the boys swarm up onto that scaffold and heave
sheriffs and such overboard. And it was fine to see that astonished multitude go
down on their knees and beg their lives of the king they had just been deriding
and insulting. And as he stood apart, there, receiving this homage in his rags,
I thought to myself, well really there is something peculiarly grand about the
gait and bearing of a king, after all. I was immensely satisfied. Take the whole
situation all around, it was one of the gaudiest effects I ever instigated.
    And presently up comes Clarence, his own self! and winks, and says, very
modernly:
    »Good deal of a surprise, wasn't't it? I knew you'd like it. I've had the boys
practicing, this long time, privately; and just hungry for a chance to show
off.«
 

                                   Chapter 39

                       The Yankees Fight with the Knights

Home again, at Camelot. A morning or two later I found the paper, damp from the
press, by my plate at the breakfast table. I turned to the advertising columns,
knowing I should find something of personal interest to me there. It was this:
 
Clarence's editorial reference to this affair was to this effect:
 
Up to the day set, there was no talk in all Britain of anything but this combat.
All other topics sank into insignificance and passed out of men's thoughts and
interest. It was not because a tournament was a great matter; it was not because
Sir Sagramour had found the Holy Grail, for he had not, but had failed; it was
not because the second (official) personage in the kingdom was one of the
duelists; no, all these features were commonplace. Yet there was abundant reason
for the extraordinary interest which this coming fight was creating. It was born
of the fact that all the nation knew that this was not to be a duel between mere
men, so to speak, but a duel between two mighty magicians; a duel not of muscle
but of mind, not of human skill but of super human art and craft; a final
struggle for supremacy between the two master enchanters of the age. It was
realized that the most prodigious achievements of the most renowned knights
could not be worthy of comparison with a spectacle like this; they could be but
child's-play, contrasted with this mysterious and awful battle of the gods. Yes,
all the world knew it was going to be in reality a duel between Merlin and me, a
measuring of his magic powers against mine. It was known that Merlin had been
busy whole days and nights together, imbuing Sir Sagramour's arms and armour with
supernal powers of offence and defence, and that he had procured for him from
the spirits of the air a fleecy veil which would render the wearer invisible to
his antagonist while still visible to other men. Against Sir Sagramour, so
weaponed and protected, a thousand knights could accomplish nothing; against him
no known enchantments could prevail. These facts were sure; regarding them there
was no doubt, no reason for doubt. There was but one question: might there be
still other enchantments, unknown to Merlin, which could render Sir Sagramour's
veil transparent to me, and make his enchanted mail vulnerable to my weapons?
This was the one thing to be decided in the lists. Until then the world must
remain in suspense.
    So the world thought there was a vast matter at stake here, and the world
was right; but it was not the one they had in their minds. No, a far vaster one
was upon the cast of this die: the life of knight-errantry. I was a champion, it
was true, but not the champion of the frivolous black arts, I was the champion
of hard, unsentimental, common-sense and reason. I was entering the lists to
either destroy knight-errantry or be its victim.
    Vast as the show-grounds were, there were no vacant spaces in them outside
of the lists, at ten o'clock on the morning of the 16th. The mammoth grand stand
was clothed in flags, streamers, and rich tapestries, and packed with several
acres of small-fry tributary kings, their suites, and the British aristocracy,
with our own royal gang in the chief place, and each and every individual a
flashing prism of gaudy silks and velvets - well, I never saw anything to begin
with it but a fight between an Upper Mississippi sunset and the aurora borealis.
The huge camp of beflagged and gay-coloured tents at one end of the lists, with a
stiff-standing sentinel at every door, and a shining shield hanging by him for
challenge, was another fine sight. You see, every knight was there who had any
ambition or any caste feeling; for my feeling toward their order was not much of
a secret, and so here was their chance. If I won my fight with Sir Sagramour,
others would have the right to call me out as long as I might be willing to
respond.
    Down at our end there were but two tents; one for me, and another for my
servants. At the appointed hour the king made a sign, and the heralds, in their
tabards, appeared and made proclamation, naming the combatants and stating the
cause of quarrel. There was a pause, then a ringing bugle blast, which was the
signal for us to come forth. All the multitude caught their breath, and an eager
curiosity flashed into every face.
    Out from his tent rode great Sir Sagramour, an imposing tower of iron,
stately and rigid, his huge spear standing upright in its socket and grasped in
his strong hand, his grand horse's face and breast cased in steel, his body
clothed in rich trappings that almost dragged the ground - oh, a most noble
picture! A great shout went up, of welcome and admiration.
    And then out I came. But I didn't get any shout. There was a wondering and
eloquent silence, for a moment, then a great wave of laughter began to sweep
along that human sea, but a warning bugle blast cut its career short. I was in
the simplest and comfortablest of gymnast costumes - flesh-coloured tights from
neck to heel, with blue silk puffings about my loins, and bare-headed. My horse
was not above medium size, but he was alert, slender-limbed, muscled with
watch-springs, and just a greyhound to go. He was a beauty; glossy as silk, and
naked as he was when he was born, except for bridle and ranger-saddle.
    The iron tower and the gorgeous bed-quilt came cumbrously but gracefully
pirouetting down the lists, and we tripped lightly up to meet them. We halted;
the tower saluted, I responded; then we wheeled and rode side by side to the
grand stand and faced our king and queen, to whom we made obeisance. The queen
exclaimed:
    »Alack, Sir Boss, wilt fight naked, and without lance or sword or -«
    But the king checked her and made her understand, with a polite phrase or
two, that this was none of her business. The bugles rang again, and we separated
and rode to the ends of the lists, and took position. Now old Merlin stepped
into view, and cast a dainty web of gossamer threads over Sir Sagramour which
turned him into Hamlet's ghost; the king made a sign, the bugles blew, Sir
Sagramour laid his great lance in rest, and the next moment here he came
thundering down the course, with his veil flying out behind, and I went
whistling through the air like an arrow to meet him - cocking my ear, the while,
as if noting the invisible knight's position and progress by hearing, not sight.
A chorus of encouraging shouts burst out for him, and one brave voice flung out
a heartening word for me - said:
    »Go it, Slim Jim!«
    It was an even bet that Clarence had procured that favour for me - and
furnished the language, too. When that formidable lance-point was within a yard
and a half of my breast I twitched my horse aside without an effort and the big
knight swept by, scoring a blank. I got plenty of applause that time. We turned,
braced up, and down we came again. Another blank for the knight, a roar of
applause for me. This same thing was repeated once more; and it fetched such a
whirlwind of applause that Sir Sagramour lost his temper, and at once changed
his tactics and set himself the task of chasing me down. Why, he hadn't any show
in the world at that; it was a game of tag, with all the advantages on my side;
I whirled out of his path with ease whenever I chose, and once I slapped him on
the back as I went to the rear. Finally I took the chase into my own hands, and
after that, turn, or twist, or do what he would, he was never able to get behind
me again, he found himself always in front, at the end of his maneuver. So he
gave up that business and retired to his end of the lists. His temper was clear
gone, now, and he forgot himself and flung an insult at me which disposed of
mine. I slipped my lasso from the horn of my saddle, and grasped the coil in my
right hand. This time you should have seen him come! - it was a business trip,
sure; by his gait, there was blood in his eye. I was sitting my horse at ease,
and swinging the great loop of my lasso in wide circles about my head; the
moment he was under way, I started for him; when the space between us had
narrowed to forty feet, I sent the snaky spirals of the rope a-cleaving through
the air, then darted aside and faced about and brought my trained animal to a
halt with all his feet braced under him for a surge. The next moment the rope
sprang taught, and yanked Sir Sagramour out of the saddle! Great Scott, but
there was a sensation!
    Unquestionably, the popular thing in this world is novelty. These people had
never seen anything of that cow-boy business before, and it carried them clear
off their feet with delight. From all around and everywhere, the shout went up -
    »Encore! encore!«
    I wondered where they got the word, but there was no time to cipher on
philological matters, because the whole knight-errantry hive was just humming,
now, and my prospect for trade couldn't have been better. The moment my lasso
was released and Sir Sagramour had been assisted to his tent, I hauled in the
slack, took my station and began to swing my loop around my head again. I was
sure to have use for it as soon as they could elect a successor for Sir
Sagramour, and that couldn't take long where there were so many hungry
candidates. Indeed, they elected one straight off - Sir Hervis de Revel.
    Bzz! Here he came, like a house afire; I dodged; he passed like a flash,
with my horse-hair coils settling around his neck; a second or so later, fst!
his saddle was empty.
    I got another encore; and another, and another, and still another. When I
had snaked five men out, things began to look serious to the iron-clads, and
they stopped and consulted together. As a result, they decided that it was time
to waive etiquette and send their greatest and best against me. To the
astonishment of that little world, I lassoed Sir Lamorak de Galis, and after him
Sir Galahad. So you see there was simply nothing to be done, now, but play their
right bower - bring out the superbest of the superb, the mightiest of the
mighty, the great Sir Launcelot himself!
    A proud moment for me? I should think so. Yonder was Arthur, king of
Britain; yonder was Guenever; yes, and whole tribes of little provincial kings
and kinglets; and in the tented camp yonder, renowned knights from many lands;
and likewise the selectest body known to chivalry, the knights of the Table
Round, the most illustrious in Christendom; and, biggest fact of all, the very
sun of their shining system was yonder couching his lance, the focal point of
forty thousand adoring eyes; and all by myself here was I laying for him. Across
my mind flitted the dear image of a certain hello-girl of West Hartford, and I
wished she could see me now. In that moment, down came the Invincible, with the
rush of a whirlwind - the courtly world rose to its feet and bent forward - the
fateful coils went circling through the air, and before you could wink I was
towing Sir Launcelot across the field on his back, and kissing my hand to the
storm of waving kerchiefs and the thunder-crash of applause that greeted me!
    Said I to myself, as I coiled my lariat and hung it on my saddle-horn, and
sat there drunk with glory, »The victory is perfect - no other will venture
against me - knight-errantry is dead.« Now imagine my astonishment - and
everybody else's, too - to hear the peculiar bugle call which announces that
another competitor is about to enter the lists! There was a mystery here; I
couldn't account for this thing. Next, I noticed Merlin gliding away from me;
and then I noticed that my lasso was gone! The old sleight-of-hand expert had
stolen it, sure, and slipped it under his robe.
    The bugle blew again. I looked, and down came Sagramour riding again, with
his dust brushed off and his veil nicely re-arranged. I trotted up to meet him,
and pretended to find him by the sound of his horse's hoofs. He said:
    »Thou'rt quick of ear, but it will not save thee from this!« and he touched
the hilt of his great sword. »An ye are not able to see it, because of the
influence of the veil, know that it is no cumbrous lance, but a sword - and I
ween ye will not be able to avoid it.«
    His visor was up; there was death in his smile. I should never be able to
dodge his sword, that was plain. Somebody was going to die, this time. If he got
the drop on me, I could name the corpse. We rode forward together, and saluted
the royalties. This time the king was disturbed. He said:
    »Where is thy strange weapon?«
    »It is stolen, sire.«
    »Hast another at hand?«
    »No, sire, I brought only the one.«
    Then Merlin mixed in:
    »He brought but the one because there was but the one to bring. There exists
none other but that one. It belongeth to the King of the Demons of the Sea. This
man is a pretender and ignorant; else he had known that that weapon can be used
in but eight bouts only, and then it vanisheth away to its home under the sea.«
    »Then is he weaponless,« said the king. »Sir Sagramour, ye will grant him
leave to borrow.«
    »And I will lend!« said Sir Launcelot, limping up. »He is as brave a knight
of his hands as any that be on live, and he shall have mine.«
    He put his hand on his sword to draw it, but Sir Sagramour said:
    »Stay, it may not be. He shall fight with his own weapons; it was his
privilege to choose them and bring them. If he has erred, on his head be it.«
    »Knight!« said the king. »Thou'rt overwrought with passion; it disorders thy
mind. Wouldst kill a naked man?«
    »An he do it, he shall answer it to me,« said Sir Launcelot.
    »I will answer it to any he that desireth!« retorted Sir Sagramour hotly.
    Merlin broke in, rubbing his hands and smiling his low-downest smile of
malicious gratification:
    »'Tis well said, right well said! And 'tis enough of parleying, let my lord
the king deliver the battle signal.«
    The king had to yield. The bugle made proclamation, and we turned apart and
rode to our stations. There we stood, a hundred yards apart, facing each other,
rigid and motionless, like horsed statues. And so we remained, in a soundless
hush, as much as a full minute, everybody gazing, nobody stirring. It seemed as
if the king could not take heart to give the signal. But at last he lifted his
hand, the clear note of the bugle followed, Sir Sagramour's long blade described
a flashing curve in the air, and it was superb to see him come. I sat still. On
he came. I did not move. People got so excited that they shouted to me:
    »Fly, fly! Save thyself! This is murder!«
    I never budged so much as an inch, till that thundering apparition had got
within fifteen paces of me; then I snatched a dragoon revolver out of my
holster, there was a flash and a roar, and the revolver was back in the holster
before anybody could tell what had happened.
    Here was a riderless horse plunging by, and yonder lay Sir Sagramour, stone
dead.
    The people that ran to him were stricken dumb to find that the life was
actually gone out of the man, and no reason for it visible, no hurt upon his
body, nothing like a wound. There was a hole through the breast of his
chain-mail, but they attached no importance to a little thing like that; and as
a bullet wound there produces but little blood, none came in sight because of
the clothing and swaddlings under the armour. The body was dragged over to let
the king and the swells look down upon it. They were stupefied with
astonishment, naturally. I was requested to come and explain the miracle. But I
remained in my tracks, like a statue, and said:
    »If it is a command, I will come; but my lord the king knows that I am where
the laws of combat require me to remain, while any desire to come against me.«
    I waited. Nobody challenged. Then I said:
    »If there are any who doubt that this field is well and fairly won, I do not
wait for them to challenge me, I challenge them.«
    »It is a gallant offer,« said the king, »and well beseems you. Whom will you
name, first?«
    »I name none, I challenge all! Here I stand, and dare the chivalry of
England to come against me - not by individuals, but in mass!«
    »What!« shouted a score of knights.
    »You have heard the challenge. Take it, or I proclaim you recreant knights
and vanquished, every one!«
    It was a bluff, you know. At such a time it is sound judgment to put on a
bold face and play your hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine
times out of fifty nobody dares to call, and you rake in the chips. But just
this once - well, things looked squally! In just no time, five hundred knights
were scrambling into their saddles, and before you could wink a widely
scattering drove were under way and clattering down upon me. I snatched both
revolvers from the holsters and began to measure distances and calculate
chances.
    Bang! one saddle empty. Bang! another one. Bang-bang! and I bagged two.
Well, it was nip and tuck with us, and I knew it. If I spent the eleventh shot
without convincing these people, the twelfth man would kill me, sure.
    And so I never did feel so happy as I did when my ninth downed its man and I
detected the wavering in the crowd which is premonitory of panic. An instant
lost, now, could knock out my last chance. But I didn't lose it. I raised both
revolvers and pointed them - the halted host stood their ground just about one
good square moment, then broke and fled.
    The day was mine. Knight-errantry was a doomed institution. The march of
civilization was begun. How did I feel? Ah, you never could imagine it.
    And Brer Merlin? His stock was flat again. Somehow, every time the magic of
fol-de-rol tried conclusions with the magic of science, the magic of fol-de-rol
got left.
 

                                   Chapter 40

                               Three Years Later

When I broke the back of knight-errantry, that time, I no longer felt obliged,
to work in secret. So, the very next day I exposed my hidden-schools, my mines,
and my vast system of clandestine factories and work-shops to an astonished
world. That is to say, I exposed the nineteenth century to the inspection of the
sixth.
    Well, it is always a good plan to follow up an advantage promptly. The
knights were temporarily down, but if I would keep them so, I must just simply
paralyze them - nothing short of that would answer. You see, I was bluffing,
that last time, in the field; it would be natural for them to work around to
that conclusion, if I gave them a chance. So I must not give them time; and I
didn't.
    I renewed my challenge, engraved it on brass, posted it up where any priest
could read it to them, and also kept it standing, in the advertising columns of
the paper. I not only renewed it, but added to its proportions. I said, name the
day, and I would take fifty assistants and stand up against the massed chivalry
of the whole earth and destroy it.
    I was not bluffing, this time. I meant what I said; I could do what I
promised. There wasn't't any way to misunderstand the language of that challenge.
Even the dullest of the chivalry perceived that this was a plain case of put up,
or shut up. They were wise, and did the latter. In all the next three years they
gave me no trouble worth mentioning.
    Consider the three years sped. Now look around on England. A happy and
prosperous country, and strangely altered. Schools everywhere, and several
colleges; a number of pretty good newspapers. Even authorship was taking a
start; Sir Dinadan the Humorist was first in the field, with a volume of
gray-headed jokes which I had been familiar with during thirteen centuries. If
he had left out that old rancid one about the lecturer, I wouldn't have said
anything; but I couldn't stand that one. I suppressed the book and hanged the
author.
    Slavery was dead and gone; all men were equal before the law; taxation had
been equalized. The telegraph, the telephone, the phonograph, the type-writer,
the sewing machine, and all the thousand willing and handy servants of steam and
electricity were working their way into favour. We had a steamboat or two on the
Thames, we had steam war-ships and the beginnings of a steam commercial marine;
I was getting ready to send out an expedition to discover America.
    We were building several lines of railway, and our line from Camelot to
London was already finished and in operation. I was shrewd enough to make all
offices connected with the passenger service places of high and distinguished
honour. My idea was to attract the chivalry and nobility, and make them useful
and keep them out of mischief. The plan worked very well, the competition for
the places was hot. The conductor of the 4.33 express was a duke, there wasn't't a
passenger-conductor on the line below the degree of earl. They were good men,
every one, but they had two defects which I couldn't cure, and so had to wink
at: they wouldn't lay aside their armour, and they would knock down fares - I
mean, rob the company.
    There was hardly a knight in all the land who wasn't't in some useful
employment. They were going from end to end of the country in all manner of
useful missionary capacities; their penchant for wandering, and their experience
in it, made them altogether the most effective spreaders of civilization we had.
They went clothed in steel, and equipped with sword and lance and battle-axe,
and if they couldn't persuade a person to try a sewing machine on the instalment
plan, or a melodeon, or a barbed wire fence, or a prohibition journal, or any of
the other thousand and one things they canvassed for, they removed him and
passed on.
    I was very happy. Things were working steadily toward a secretly longed-for
point. You see, I had two schemes in my head, which were the vastest of all my
projects. The one was, to overthrow the Catholic Church and set up the
Protestant faith on its ruins - not as an Established Church, but a
go-as-you-please one; and the other project was, to get a decree issued by and
by, commanding that upon Arthur's death unlimited suffrage should be introduced,
and given to men and women alike - at any rate to all men, wise or unwise, and
to all mothers who, at middle age, should be found to know nearly as much as
their sons at twenty-one. Arthur was good for thirty years yet, he being about
my own age - that is to say, forty - and I believed that in that time I could
easily have the active part of the population of that day ready and eager for an
event which should be the first of its kind in the history of the world - a
rounded and complete governmental revolution without bloodshed. The result to be
a Republic. Well, I may as well confess, though I do feel ashamed when I think
of it: I was beginning to have a base hankering to be its first President
myself. Yes, there was more or less human nature in me; I found that out.
    Clarence was with me, as concerned the revolution, but in a modified way.
His idea was a Republic, without privileged orders, but with a hereditary royal
family at the head of it instead of an elective chief magistrate. He believed
that no nation that had ever known the joy of worshiping a royal family could
ever be robbed of it and not fade away and die of melancholy. I urged that kings
were dangerous. He said, then have cats. He was sure that a royal family of cats
would answer every purpose. They would be as useful as any other royal family,
they would know as much, they would have the same virtues and the same vices,
the same fidelities and the same treacheries, the same disposition to get up
shindies with other royal cats, they would be laughably vain and absurd and
never know it, and they would be wholly inexpensive; finally, they would have as
sound a divine right as any other royal house, and Tom VII, or Tom XI, or Tom
XIV by the grace of God King, would sound as well as it would when applied to
the ordinary royal tomcat with tights on. »And as a rule,« said he, in his neat
modern English, »the character of these cats would be considerably above the
character of the average king, and this would be an immense moral advantage to
the nation, for the reason that a nation always models its morals after its
monarch's. The worship of royalty being founded in unreason, these graceful and
harmless cats would easily become as sacred as any other royalties, and indeed
more so, because it would presently be noticed that they hanged nobody, beheaded
nobody, imprisoned nobody, inflicted no cruelties or injustices of any sort, and
so must be worthy of a deeper love and reverence than the customary human king,
and would certainly get it. The eyes of the whole harried world would soon be
fixed upon this humane and gentle system, and royal butchers would presently
begin to disappear; their subjects would fill the vacancies with catlings from
our own royal house; we should become a factory; we should supply the thrones of
the world; within forty years all Europe would be governed by cats, and we
should furnish the cats. The reign of universal peace would begin, then, to end
no more forever. ... Me-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow - FZT!-wow!«
    Hang him, I supposed he was in earnest, and was beginning to be persuaded by
him, until he exploded that cat-howl and startled me almost out of my clothes.
But he never could be in earnest. He didn't know what it was. He had pictured a
distinct and perfectly rational and feasible improvement upon constitutional
monarchy, but he was too feather-headed to know it, or care anything about it,
either. I was going to give him a scolding, but Sandy came flying in at that
moment, wild with terror, and so choked with sobs that for a minute she could
not get her voice. I ran and took her in my arms, and lavished caresses upon
her, and said, beseechingly:
    »Speak, darling, speak! What is it?«
    Her head fell limp upon my bosom, and she gasped, almost inaudibly:
    »HELLO-CENTRAL!«
    »Quick!« I shouted to Clarence; »telephone the king's homeopath to come!«
    In two minutes I was kneeling by the child's crib, and Sandy was dispatching
servants here, there and everywhere all over the palace. I took in the situation
almost at a glance - membranous croup! I bent down and whispered:
    »Wake up, sweetheart! Hello-Central!«
    She opened her soft eyes languidly, and made out to say -
    »Papa.«
    That was a comfort. She was far from dead, yet. I sent for preparations of
sulphur, I rousted out the croup-kettle myself: for I don't sit down and wait
for doctors when Sandy or the child are sick. I knew how to nurse both of them,
and had had experience. This little chap had lived in my arms a good part of its
small life, and often I could soothe away its troubles and get it to laugh
through the tear-dews on its eye-lashes when even its mother couldn't.
    Sir Launcelot, in his richest armour, came striding along the great hall,
now, on his way to the stock-board; he was President of the stock-board, and
occupied the Siege Perilous, which he had bought of Sir Galahad; for the
stock-board consisted of the knights of the Round Table, and they used the Round
Table for business purposes now. Seats at it were worth - well, you would never
believe the figure, so it is no use to state it. Sir Launcelot was a bear, and
he had put up a corner in one of the new lines, and was just getting ready to
squeeze the shorts to-day; but what of that? He was the same old Launcelot, and
when he glanced in as he was passing the door, and found out that his pet was
sick, that was enough for him; bulls and bears might fight it out their own way
for all him, he would come right in here and stand by little Hello-Central for
all he was worth. And that is what he did. He shied his helmet into the corner,
and in half a minute he had a new wick in the alcohol lamp and was firing up on
the croup-kettle. By this time Sandy had built a blanket canopy over the crib,
and everything was ready.
    Sir Launcelot got up steam, he and I loaded up the kettle with unslaked lime
and carbolic acid, with a touch of lactic acid added thereto, then filled the
thing up with water, and inserted the steam-spout under the canopy. Everything
was ship-shape now, and we sat down on either side of the crib to stand our
watch. Sandy was so grateful and so comforted that she charged a couple of
church-wardens with willow-bark and sumach-tobacco for us, and told us to smoke
as much as we pleased, it couldn't get under the canopy, and she was used to
smoke, being the first lady in the land who had ever seen a cloud blown. Well,
there couldn't be a more contented or comfortable sight than Sir Launcelot in
his noble armour sitting in gracious serenity at the end of a yard of snowy
church-warden. He was a beautiful man, a lovely man, and was just intended to
make a wife and children happy. But of course Guenever - however, it's no use to
cry over what's done and can't be helped.
    Well, he stood watch-and-watch with me, right straight through, for three
days and nights, till the child was out of danger; then he took her up in his
great arms and kissed her, with his plumes falling about her golden head, then
laid her softly in Sandy's lap again, and took his stately way down the vast
hall, between the ranks of admiring men-at-arms and menials, and so disappeared.
And no instinct warned me that I should never look upon him again in this world!
Lord, what a world of heart-break it is.
    The doctors said we must take the child away, if we would coax her back to
health and strength again. And she must have sea air. So we took a man of war,
and a suite of two hundred and sixty persons, and went cruising about, and after
a fortnight of this we stepped ashore on the French coast, and the doctors
thought it would be a good idea to make something of a stay there. The little
king of that region offered us his hospitalities, and we were glad to accept. If
he had had as many conveniences as he lacked, we should have been plenty
comfortable enough; even as it was, we made out very well, in his queer old
castle, by the help of comforts and luxuries from the ship.
    At the end of a month I sent the vessel home for fresh supplies, and for
news. We expected her back in three or four days. She would bring me, along with
other news, the result of a certain experiment which I had been starting. It was
a project of mine to replace the tournament with something which might furnish
an escape for the extra steam of the chivalry, keep those bucks entertained and
out of mischief, and at the same time preserve the best thing in them, which was
their hardy spirit of emulation. I had had a choice band of them in private
training for some time, and the date was now arriving for their first public
effort.
    This experiment was base-ball. In order to give the thing vogue from the
start, and place it out of the reach of criticism, I chose my nines by rank, not
capacity. There wasn't't a knight in either team who wasn't't a sceptred sovereign.
As for material of this sort, there was a glut of it, always, around Arthur. You
couldn't throw a brick in any direction and not cripple a king. Of course I
couldn't get these people to leave off their armour; they wouldn't do that when
they bathed. They consented to differentiate the armour, so that a body could
tell one team from the other, but that was the most they would do. So, one of
the teams wore chain-mail ulsters, and the other wore plate armour made of my new
Bessemer steel. Their practice in the field was the most fantastic thing I ever
saw. Being ball-proof, they never skipped out of the way, but stood still and
took the result; when a Bessemer was at the bat and a ball hit him, it would
bound a hundred and fifty yards, sometimes. And when a man was running, and
threw himself on his stomach to slide to his base, it was like an ironclad
coming into port. At first I appointed men of no rank to act as umpires, but I
had to discontinue that. These people were no easier to please than other nines.
The umpire's first decision was usually his last; they broke him in two with a
bat, and his friends toted him home on a shutter. When it was noticed that no
umpire ever survived a game, umpiring got to be unpopular. So I was obliged to
appoint somebody whose rank and lofty position under the government would
protect him.
    Here are the names of the nines:
 
BESSEMERS. ULSTERS.
King Emperor
Arthur Lucius
King Lot King
of Lothian Logris
King of King Marhalt
Northgalis of Ireland
King King
Marsil Morganore
King of King Mark
Little Britain of Cornwall
King King Nentres
Labor of Garlot
King Pellam King Meliodas
of Listengese of Liones
King King of
Bagdemagus the Lake
King Tolleme The Sowdan
la Feintes of Syria
UMPIRE - Clarence.
 
The first public game would certainly draw fifty thousand people; and for solid
fun would be worth going around the world to see. Everything would be favourable;
it was balmy and beautiful spring weather, now, and Nature was all tailored out
in her new clothes.
 

                                   Chapter 41

                                 The Interdict

However, my attention was suddenly snatched from such matters; our child began
to lose ground again, and we had to go to sitting up with her, her case became
so serious. We couldn't bear to allow anybody to help, in this service, so we
two stood watch-and-watch, day in and day out. Ah, Sandy, what a right heart she
had, how simple, and genuine, and good she was! She was a flawless wife and
mother; and yet I had married her for no particular reason, except that by the
customs of chivalry she was my property until some knight should win her from me
in the field. She had hunted Britain over for me; had found me at the
hanging-bout outside of London, and had straightway resumed her old place at my
side in the placidest way and as of right. I was a New Englander, and in my
opinion this sort of partnership would compromise her, sooner or later. She
couldn't see how, but I cut argument short and we had a wedding.
    Now I didn't know I was drawing a prize, yet that was what I did draw.
Within the twelvemonth I became her worshiper; and ours was the dearest and
perfectest comradeship that ever was. People talk about beautiful friendships
between two persons of the same sex. What is the best of that sort, as compared
with the friendship of man and wife, where the best impulses and highest ideals
of both are the same? There is no place for comparison between the two
friendships; the one is earthly, the other divine.
    In my dreams, along at first, I still wandered thirteen centuries away, and
my unsatisfied spirit went calling and harking all up and down the unreplying
vacancies of a vanished world. Many a time Sandy heard that imploring cry come
from my lips in my sleep. With a grand magnanimity she saddled that cry of mine
upon our child, conceiving it to be the name of some lost darling of mine. It
touched me to tears, and it also nearly knocked me off my feet, too, when she
smiled up in my face for an earned reward, and played her quaint and pretty
surprise upon me:
    »The name of one who was dear to thee is here preserved, here made holy, and
the music of it will abide alway in our ears. Now thou'lt kiss me, as knowing
the name I have given the child.«
    But I didn't know it, all the same. I hadn't an idea in the world; but it
would have been cruel to confess it and spoil her pretty game; so I never let
on, but said:
    »Yes, I know, sweetheart - how dear and good it is of you, too! But I want
to hear these lips of yours, which are also mine, utter it first - then its
music will be perfect.«
    Pleased to the marrow, she murmured -
    »HELLO-CENTRAL!«
    I didn't laugh - I am always thankful for that - but the strain ruptured
every cartilage in me, and for weeks afterwards I could hear my bones clack when
I walked. She never found out her mistake. The first time she heard that form of
salute used at the telephone she was surprised, and not pleased; but I told her
I had given order for it: that thenceforth and forever the telephone must be
always invoked with that reverent formality, in perpetual honour and remembrance
of my lost friend and her small namesake. This was not true. But it answered.
    Well, during two weeks and a half we watched by the crib, and in our deep
solicitude we were unconscious of any world outside of that sick-room. Then our
reward came: the centre of the universe turned the corner and began to mend.
Grateful? It isn't the term. There isn't any term for it. You know that,
yourself, if you've watched your child through the Valley of the Shadow and seen
it come back to life and sweep night out of the earth with one all-illuminating
smile that you could cover with your hand.
    Why, we were back in this world in one instant! Then we looked the same
startled thought into each other's eyes at the same moment: more than two weeks
gone, and that ship not back yet!
    In another minute I appeared in the presence of my train. They had been
steeped in troubled bodings all this time - their faces showed it. I called an
escort and we galloped five miles to a hill-top overlooking the sea. Where was
my great commerce that so lately had made these glistering expanses populous and
beautiful with its white-winged flocks? Vanished, every one! Not a sail, from
verge to verge, not a smoke-bank - just a dead and empty solitude, in place of
all that brisk and breezy life.
    I went swiftly back, saying not a word to anybody. I told Sandy this ghastly
news. We could imagine no explanation that would begin to explain. Had there
been an invasion? an earthquake? a pestilence? Had the nation been swept out of
existence? But guessing was profitless. I must go - at once. I borrowed the
king's navy - a ship no bigger than a steam-launch - and was soon ready.
    The parting - ah, yes, that was hard. As I was devouring the child with last
kisses, it brisked up and jabbered out its vocabulary! - the first time in more
than two weeks, and it made fools of us for joy. The darling mispronunciations
of childhood! - dear me, there's no music that can touch it; and how one grieves
when it wastes away and dissolves into correctness, knowing it will never visit
his bereaved ear again. Well, how good it was, to be able to carry that gracious
memory away with me!
    I approached England the next morning, with the wide highway of salt water
all to myself. There were ships in the harbour, at Dover, but they were naked, as
to sails, and there was no sign of life about them. It was Sunday; yet at
Canterbury the streets were empty; strangest of all, there was not even a priest
in sight, and no stroke of a bell fell upon my ear. The mournfulness of death
was everywhere. I couldn't understand it. At last, in the further edge of that
town I saw a small funeral procession - just a family and a few friends
following a coffin - no priest; a funeral without bell, book or candle; there
was a church there, close at hand, but they passed it by, weeping, and did not
enter it; I glanced up at the belfry, and there hung the bell, shrouded in
black, and its tongue tied back. Now I knew! Now I understood the stupendous
calamity that had overtaken England. Invasion? Invasion is a triviality to it.
It was the INTERDICT!
    I asked no questions; I didn't need to ask any. The Church had struck; the
thing for me to do was to get into a disguise, and go warily. One of my servants
gave me a suit of his clothes, and when we were safe beyond the town I put them
on, and from that time I travelled alone; I could not risk the embarrassment of
company.
    A miserable journey. A desolate silence everywhere. Even in London itself.
Traffic had ceased; men did not talk or laugh, or go in groups, or even in
couples; they moved aimlessly about, each man by himself, with his head down,
and woe and terror at his heart. The Tower showed recent war-scars. Verily, much
had been happening.
    Of course I meant to take the train for Camelot. Train! Why, the station was
as vacant as a cavern. I moved on. The journey to Camelot was a repetition of
what I had already seen. The Monday and the Tuesday differed in no way from the
Sunday. I arrived far in the night. From being the best electric-lighted town in
the kingdom, and the most like a recumbent sun of anything you ever saw, it was
become simply a blot - a blot upon darkness - that is to say, it was darker and
solider than the rest of the darkness, and so you could see it a little better;
it made me feel as if maybe it was symbolical - a sort of sign that the Church
was going to keep the upper hand, now, and snuff out all my beautiful
civilization just like that. I found no life stirring in the sombre streets. I
groped my way with a heavy heart. The vast castle loomed black upon the
hill-top, not a spark visible about it. The drawbridge was down, the great gate
stood wide, I entered without challenge, my own heels making the only sound I
heard - and it was sepulchral enough, in those huge vacant courts.
 

                                   Chapter 42

                                      War!

I found Clarence, alone in his quarters, drowned in melancholy; and in place of
the electric light, he had re-instituted the ancient rag lamp, and sat there in
a grisly twilight with all curtains drawn tight. He sprang up and rushed for me
eagerly, saying:
    »Oh, it's worth a billion milrays to look upon a live person again!«
    He knew me as easily as if I hadn't been disguised at all. Which frightened
me; one may easily believe that.
    »Quick, now, tell me the meaning of this fearful disaster,« I said. »How did
it come about?«
    »Well, if there hadn't been any Queen Guenever, it wouldn't have come so
early; but it would have come, anyway. It would have come on your own account by
and by; by luck, it happened to come on the queen's.«
    »And Sir Launcelot's?«
    »Just so.«
    »Give me the details.«
    »I reckon you will grant that during some years there has been only one pair
of eyes in these kingdoms that has not been looking steadily askance at the
queen and Sir Launcelot -«
    »Yes - King Arthur's.«
    - »and only one heart that was without suspicion -«
    »Yes - the king's; a heart that isn't capable of thinking evil of a friend.«
    »Well, the king might have gone on, still happy and unsuspecting, to the end
of his days, but for one of your modern improvements - the stock-board. When you
left, three miles of the London, Canterbury &amp; Dover were ready for the
rails, and also ready and ripe for manipulation in the stock market. It was
wildcat, and everybody knew it. The stock was for sale at a give-away. What does
Sir Launcelot do, but -«
    »Yes, I know; he quietly picked up nearly all of it, for a song; then he
bought about twice as much more, deliverable upon call; and he was about to call
when I left.«
    »Very well, he did call. The boys couldn't deliver. Oh, he had them - and he
just settled his grip and squeezed them. They were laughing in their sleeves
over their smartness in selling stock to him at 15 and 16 and along there, that
wasn't't worth 10. Well, when they had laughed long enough on that side of their
mouths, they rested-up that side by shifting the laugh to the other side. That
was when they compromised with the Invincible at 283!«
    »Good land!«
    »He skinned them alive, and they deserved it - anyway, the whole kingdom
rejoiced. Well, among the flayed were Sir Agravaine and Sir Mordred, nephews to
the king. End of the first Act. Act Second, scene first, an apartment in
Carlisle castle, where the court had gone for a few days' hunting. Persons
present, the whole tribe of the king's nephews. Mordred and Agravaine propose to
call the guileless Arthur's attention to Guenever and Sir Launcelot. Sir
Gawaine, Sir Gareth and Sir Gaheris will have nothing to do with it. A dispute
ensues, with loud talk; in the midst of it, enter the king. Mordred and
Agravaine spring their devastating tale upon him. Tableau. A trap is laid for
Launcelot, by the king's command, and Sir Launcelot walks into it. He made it
sufficiently uncomfortable for the ambushed witnesses - to wit, Mordred,
Agravaine, and twelve knights of lesser rank, for he killed every one of them
but Mordred; but of course that couldn't straighten matters between Launcelot
and the king, and didn't.«
    »Oh, dear, only one thing could result - I see that. War, and the knights of
the realm divided into a king's party and a Sir Launcelot's party.«
    »Yes - that was the way of it. The king sent the queen to the stake,
proposing to purify her with fire. Launcelot and his knights rescued her, and in
doing it slew certain good old friends of yours and mine - in fact some of the
best we ever had; to wit, Sir Belias le Orgulous, Sir Segwarides, Sir Griflet le
Fils de Dieu, Sir Brandiles, Sir Aglovale -«
    »Oh, you tear out my heart-strings.«
    »- wait, I'm not done yet - Sir Tor, Sir Gauter, Sir Gillimer -«
    »The very best man in my Subordinate Nine. What a handy right-fielder he
was!«
    »- Sir Reynold's three brothers, Sir Damus, Sir Priamus, Sir Kay the
Stranger -«
    »My peerless short-stop! I've seen him catch a daisy-cutter in his teeth.
Come, I can't stand this!«
    »- Sir Driant, Sir Lambegus, Sir Herminde, Sir Pertilope, Sir Perimones, and
- whom, do you think?«
    »Rush! Go on.«
    »Sir Gaheris, and Sir Gareth - both!«
    »Oh, incredible! Their love for Launcelot was indestructible.«
    »Well, it was an accident. They were simply on-lookers; they were unarmed,
and were merely there to witness the queen's punishment. Sir Launcelot smote
down whoever came in the way of his blind fury, and he killed these without
noticing who they were. Here is an instantaneous photograph one of our boys got
of the battle; it's for sale on every news-stand. There - the figures nearest
the queen are Sir Launcelot with his sword up, and Sir Gareth gasping his latest
breath. You can catch the agony in the queen's face through the curling smoke.
It's a rattling battle-picture.«
    »Indeed it is. We must take good care of it; its historical value is
incalculable. Go on.«
    »Well, the rest of the tale is just war, pure and simple. Launcelot
retreated to his town and castle of Joyous Gard, and gathered there a great
following of knights. The king, with a great host, went there, and there was
desperate fighting during several days, and as a result all the plain around was
paved with corpses and cast-iron. Then the Church patched up a peace between
Arthur and Launcelot and the queen and everybody - everybody but Sir Gawaine. He
was bitter about the slaying of his brothers, Gareth and Gaheris, and would not
be appeased. He notified Launcelot to get him thence, and make swift
preparation, and look to be soon attacked. So Launcelot sailed to his Duchy of
Guienne, with his following, and Gawaine soon followed, with an army, and he
beguiled Arthur to go with him. Arthur left the kingdom in Sir Mordred's hands
until you should return -«
    »Ah - a king's customary wisdom!«
    »Yes. Sir Mordred set himself at once to work, to make his kingship
permanent. He was going to marry Guenever, as a first move; but she fled, and
shut herself up in the Tower of London. Mordred attacked; the Bishop of
Canterbury dropped down on him with the Interdict. The king returned; Mordred
fought him at Dover, at Canterbury, and again at Barham Down. Then there was
talk of peace, and a composition. Terms, Mordred to have Cornwall and Kent,
during Arthur's life, and the whole kingdom afterwards.«
    »Well, upon my word! My dream of a Republic to be a dream, and so remain.«
    »Yes. The two armies lay near Salisbury. Gawaine - Gawaine's head is at
Dover Castle, he fell in the fight there - Gawaine appeared to Arthur in a
dream, at least his ghost did, and warned him to refrain from conflict for a
month, let the delay cost what it might. But battle was precipitated by an
accident. Arthur had given order that if a sword was raised during the
consultation over the proposed treaty with Mordred, sound the trumpet and fall
on! for he had no confidence in Mordred. Mordred had given a similar order to
his people. Well, by and by an adder bit a knight's heel; the knight forgot all
about the order, and made a slash at the adder with his sword. Inside of half a
minute those two prodigious hosts came together with a crash! They butchered
away all day. Then the king - however, we have started something fresh since you
left - our paper has.«
    »No? What is that?«
    »War correspondence!«
    »Why, that's good.«
    »Yes, the paper was booming right along, for the Interdict made no
impression, got no grip, while the war lasted. I had war correspondents with
both armies. I will finish that battle by reading you what one of the boys says:
 
        Then the king looked about him, and then was he ware of all his host,
        and of all his good knights, were left no more on live but two knights,
        that was Sir Lucan de butlere, and his brother Sir Bedivere: and they
        full were sore wounded. Jesu mercy, said the king, where are all my
        noble knights becomen? Alas that ever I should see this doleful day. For
        now, said Arthur, I am come to mine end. But would to God that I wist
        where were that traitor Sir Mordred, that hath caused all this mischief.
        Then was king Arthur ware where Sir Mordred leaned upon his sword among
        a great heap of dead men. Now give me my spear, said Arthur unto Sir
        Lucan, for yonder I have espied the traitor that all this woe hath
        wrought. Sir, let him be, said Sir Lucan, for he is unhappy: and if ye
        pass this unhappy day, ye shall be right well revenged upon him. Good
        lord, remember ye of your night's dream, and what the spirit of Sir
        Gawaine told you this night, yet God of his great goodness hath
        preserved you hitherto. Therefore, for God's sake, my lord, leave off by
        this. For blessed be God ye have won the field: for here we be three on
        live, and with Sir Mordred is none on live. And if ye leave off now,
        this wicked day of destiny is past. Tide me death, betide me life, saith
        the king, now I see him yonder alone, he shall never escape mine hands,
        for at a better avail shall I never have him. God speed you well, said
        Sir Bedivere. Then the king gat his spear in both his hands, and ran
        toward Sir Mordred, crying, Traitor, now is thy death day come. And when
        Sir Mordred heard Sir Arthur, he ran until him with his sword drawn in
        his hand. And then king Arthur smote Sir Mordred under the shield, with
        a foin of his spear throughout the body more than a fathom. And when Sir
        Mordred felt that he had his death's wound, he thrust himself, with the
        might that he had, up to the bur of king Arthur's spear. And right so he
        smote his father Arthur with his sword holden in both his hands, on the
        side of the head, that the sword pierced the helmet and the brain-pan,
        and therewithal Sir Mordred fell stark dead to the earth. And the noble
        Arthur fell in a swoon to the earth, and there he swooned oft-times.
 
That is a good piece of war correspondence, Clarence; you are a first-rate
newspaper man. Well - is the king all right? Did he get well?«
    »Poor soul, no. He is dead.«
    I was utterly stunned; it had not seemed to me that any wound could be
mortal to him.
    »And the queen, Clarence?«
    »She is a nun, in Almesbury.«
    »What changes! and in such a short while. It is inconceivable. What next, I
wonder?«
    »I can tell you what next.«
    »Well?«
    »Stake our lives and stand by them!«
    »What do you mean by that?«
    »The Church is master, now. The Interdict included you with Mordred; it is
not to be removed while you remain alive. The clans are gathering. The Church
has gathered all the knights that are left alive, and as soon as you are
discovered, we shall have business on our hands.«
    »Stuff! With our deadly scientific war-material - with our hosts of trained
-«
    »Save your breath - we haven't sixty faithful left!«
    »What are you saying? Our schools, our colleges, our vast workshops, our -«
    »When those knights come, those establishments will empty themselves and go
over to the enemy. Did you think you had educated the superstition out of those
people?«
    »I certainly did think it.«
    »Well, then, you may unthink it. They stood every strain easily - until the
Interdict. Since then, they merely put on a bold outside - at heart they are
quaking. Make up your mind to it - when the armies come, the mask will fall.«
    »It's hard news. We are lost. They will turn our own science against us.«
    »No they won't.«
    »Why?«
    »Because I and a handful of the faithful have blocked that game. I'll tell
you what I've done, and what moved me to it. Smart as you are, the Church was
smarter. It was the Church that sent you cruising - through her servants the
doctors.«
    »Clarence!«
    »It is the truth. I know it. Every officer of your ship was the Church's
picked servant, and so was every man of the crew.«
    »Oh, come!«
    »It is just as I tell you. I did not find out these things at once, but I
found them out finally. Did you send me verbal information, by the commander of
the ship, to the effect that upon his return to you, with supplies, you were
going to leave Cadiz -«
    »Cadiz! I haven't been at Cadiz at all!«
    - »going to leave Cadiz and cruise in distant seas indefinitely, for the
health of your family? Did you send me that word?«
    »Of course not. I would have written, wouldn't I?«
    »Naturally. I was troubled, and suspicious. When the commander sailed again
I managed to ship a spy with him. I have never heard of vessel or spy since. I
gave myself two weeks to hear from you in. Then I resolved to send a ship to
Cadiz. There was a reason why I didn't.«
    »What was that?«
    »Our navy had suddenly and mysteriously disappeared! Also as suddenly and as
mysteriously, the railway and telegraph and telephone service ceased, the men
all deserted, poles were cut down, the Church laid a ban upon the electric
light! I had to be up and doing - and straight off. Your life was safe - nobody
in these kingdoms but Merlin would venture to touch such a magician as you,
without ten thousand men at his back - I had nothing to think of but how to put
preparations in the best trim against your coming. I felt safe myself - nobody
would be anxious to touch a pet of yours. So this is what I did. From our
various works I selected all the men - boys, I mean - whose faithfulness under
whatsoever pressure I could swear to, and I called them together secretly and
gave them their instructions. There are fifty-two of them; none younger than
fourteen, and none above seventeen years old.«
    »Why did you select boys?«
    »Because all the others were born in an atmosphere of superstition, and
reared in it. It is in their blood and bones. We imagined we had educated it out
of them; they thought so, too; the Interdict woke them up like a thunderclap! It
revealed them to themselves, and it revealed them to me, too. With boys it was
different. Such as have been under our training from seven to ten years have had
no acquaintance with the Church's terrors, and it was among these that I found
my fifty-two. As a next move, I paid a private visit to that old cave of
Merlin's - not the small one, the big one -«
    »Yes, the one where we secretly established our first great electric plant
when I was projecting a miracle.«
    »Just so. And as that miracle hadn't become necessary then, I thought it
might be a good idea to utilize the plant now. I've provisioned the cave for a
siege -«
    »A good idea, a first-rate idea.«
    »I think so. I placed four of my boys there, as a guard - inside, and out of
sight. Nobody was to be hurt - while outside; but any attempt to enter - well,
we said, just let anybody try it! Then I went out into the hills and uncovered
and cut the secret wire which connected your bedroom with the wires that go to
the dynamite deposits under all our vast factories, mills, work-shops,
magazines, etc., and about midnight I and my boys turned out and connected that
wire with the cave, and nobody but you and I suspects where the other end of it
goes to. We laid it under ground, of course, and it was all finished in a couple
of hours or so. We shan't have to leave our fortress, now, when we want to blow
up our civilization.«
    »It was the right move - and the natural one; a military necessity, in the
changed condition of things. Well, what changes have come! We expected to be
besieged in the palace some time or other, but - however, go on.«
    »Next, we built a wire fence.«
    »Wire fence?«
    »Yes. You dropped the hint of it yourself, two or three years ago.«
    »Oh, I remember - the time the Church tried her strength against us the
first time, and presently thought it wise to wait for a hopefuler season. Well,
how have you arranged the fence?«
    »I start twelve immensely strong wires - naked, not insulated - from a big
dynamo in the cave - dynamo with no brushes except a positive and a negative one
-«
    »Yes, that's right.«
    »The wires go out from the cave and fence-in a circle of level ground a
hundred yards in diameter; they make twelve independent fences, ten feet apart -
that is to say, twelve circles within circles - and their ends come into the
cave again.«
    »Right; go on.«
    »The fences are fastened to heavy oaken posts only three feet apart, and
these posts are sunk five feet in the ground.«
    »That is good and strong.«
    »Yes. The wires have no ground-connection outside of the cave. They go out
from the positive brush of the dynamo; there is a ground-connection through the
negative brush; the other ends of the wire return to the cave, and each is
grounded independently.«
    »No-no, that won't do!«
    »Why?«
    »It's too expensive - uses up force for nothing. You don't want any
ground-connection except the one through the negative brush. The other end of
every wire must be brought back into the cave and fastened independently, and
without any ground-connection. Now, then, observe the economy of it. A cavalry
charge hurls itself against the fence; you are using no power, you are spending
no money, for there is only one ground-connection till those horses come against
the wire; the moment they touch it they form a connection with the negative
brush through the ground, and drop dead. Don't you see? - you are using no
energy until it is needed; your lightning is there, and ready, like the load in
a gun; but it isn't costing you a cent till you touch it off. Oh, yes, the
single ground-connection -«
    »Of course! I don't know how I overlooked that. It's not only cheaper, but
it's more effectual than the other way, for if wires break or get tangled, no
harm is done.«
    »No; especially if we have a tell-tale in the cave and disconnect the broken
wire. Well, go on. The gatlings?«
    »Yes - that's arranged. In the centre of the inner circle, on a spacious
platform six feet high, I've grouped a battery of thirteen gatling guns, and
provided plenty of ammunition.«
    »That's it. They command every approach, and when the Church's knights
arrive, there's going to be music. The brow of the precipice over the cave -«
    »I've got a wire fence there, and a gatling. They won't drop any rocks down
on us.«
    »Well, and the glass-cylinder dynamite torpedoes?«
    »That's attended to. It's the prettiest garden that was ever planted. It's a
belt forty feet wide, and goes around the outer fence - distance between it and
the fence, one hundred yards - kind of neutral ground, that space is. There
isn't a single square yard of that whole belt but is equipped with a torpedo. We
laid them on the surface of the ground, and sprinkled a layer of sand over them.
It's an innocent looking garden, but you let a man start in to hoe it once, and
you'll see.«
    »You tested the torpedoes?«
    »Well, I was going to, but -«
    »But what? Why, it's an immense oversight not to apply a -«
    »Test? Yes, I know; but they're all right; I laid a few in the public road
beyond our lines, and they've been tested.«
    »Oh, that alters the case. Who did it?«
    »A Church committee.«
    »How kind!«
    »Yes. They came to command us to make submission. You see they didn't really
come to test the torpedoes; that was merely an incident.«
    »Did the committee make a report?«
    »Yes, they made one. You could have heard it a mile.«
    »Unanimous?«
    »That was the nature of it. After that, I put up some signs, for the
protection of future committees, and we have had no intruders since.«
    »Clarence, you've done a world of work, and done it perfectly.«
    »We had plenty of time for it; there wasn't't any occasion for hurry.«
    We sat silent a while, thinking. Then my mind was made up, and I said:
    »Yes, everything is ready; everything is ship-shape, no detail is wanting. I
know what to do, now.«
    »So do I: sit down and wait.«
    »No, sir! rise up and strike!«
    »Do you mean it?«
    »Yes, indeed! The defensive isn't in my line, and the offensive is. That is,
when I hold a fair hand - two-thirds as good a hand as the enemy. Oh, yes, we'll
rise up and strike; that's our game.«
    »A hundred to one, you are right. When does the performance begin?«
    »Now! We'll proclaim the Republic.«
    »Well, that will precipitate things, sure enough!«
    »It will make them buzz, I tell you! England will be a hornet's nest before
noon to-morrow, if the Church's hand hasn't lost its cunning - and we know it
hasn't. Now you write and I'll dictate - thus:
 

                                 Proclamation.

        Be it known unto all. Whereas, the king having died and left no heir, it
        becomes my duty to continue the executive authority vested in me, until
        a government shall have been created and set in motion. The monarchy has
        lapsed, it no longer exists. By consequence, all political power has
        reverted to its original source, the people of the nation. With the
        monarchy, its several adjuncts died also; wherefore there is no longer a
        nobility, no longer a privileged class, no longer an Established Church:
        all men are become exactly equal, they are upon one common level, and
        religion is free. A Republic is hereby proclaimed, as being the natural
        estate of a nation when other authority has ceased. It is the duty of
        the British people to meet together immediately, and by their votes
        elect representatives and deliver into their hands the government.«
 
I signed it »The Boss,« and dated it from Merlin's Cave. Clarence said:
    »Why, that tells where we are, and invites them to call, right away.«
    »That is the idea. We strike - by the Proclamation - then it's their
innings. Now have the thing set up and printed and posted, right off; that is,
give the order; then, if you've got a couple of bicycles handy at the foot of
the hill, ho for Merlin's Cave!«
    »I shall be ready in ten minutes. What a cyclone there is going to be
to-morrow when this piece of paper gets to work! ... It's a pleasant old palace,
this is; I wonder if we shall ever again - but never mind about that.«
 

                                   Chapter 43

                          The Battle of the Sand-Belt

In Merlin's Cave - Clarence and I, and fifty-two fresh, bright, well educated,
clean-minded young British boys. At dawn I sent an order to the factories, and
to all our great works, to stop operations and remove all life to a safe
distance, as everything was going to be blown up, by secret mines, and no
telling at what moment - therefore, vacate at once. Those people knew me, and
had confidence in my word. They would clear out without waiting to part their
hair, and I could take my own time about dating the explosion. You couldn't hire
one of them to go back during the century, if the explosion was still impending.
    We had a week of waiting. It was not dull for me, because I was writing all
the time. During the first three days, I finished turning my old diary into this
narrative form; it only required a chapter or so to bring it down to date. The
rest of the week I took up in writing letters to my wife. It was always my habit
to write to Sandy every day, whenever we were separate, and now I kept up the
habit for love of it and her, though I couldn't do anything with the letters of
course after I had written them. But it put in the time, you see, and was almost
like talking; it was almost as if I was saying, »Sandy, if you and Hello-Central
were here in the cave, instead of only your photographs, what good times we
could have!« And then, you know, I could imagine the baby goo-gooing something
out in reply, with its fists in its mouth, and itself stretched across its
mother's lap on its back, and she a-laughing and admiring and worshiping, and
now and then tickling under the baby's chin to set it cackling, and then maybe
throwing in a word of answer to me herself - and so-on and so-on - well, don't
you know, I could sit there in the cave with my pen, and keep it up, that way,
by the hour with them. Why, it was almost like having us all together again.
    I had spies out, every night, of course, to get news. Every report made
things look more and more impressive. The hosts were gathering, gathering; down
all the roads and paths of England the knights were riding; and priests rode
with them, to hearten these original Crusaders, this being the Church's war. All
the nobilities, big and little, were on their way, and all the gentry. This was
all as was expected. We should thin out this sort of folk to such a degree that
the people would have nothing to do but just step to the front with their
Republic and -
    Ah, what a donkey I was! Toward the end of the week, I began to get this
large and disenchanting fact through my head: that the mass of the nation had
swung their caps and shouted for the Republic for about one day, and there an
end! The Church, the nobles and the gentry then turned one grand
all-disapproving frown upon them and shriveled them into sheep! From that moment
the sheep had begun to gather to the fold - that is to say, the camps - and
offer their valueless lives and their valuable wool to the righteous cause. Why,
even the very men who had lately been slaves were in the righteous cause, and
glorifying it, praying for it, sentimentally slobbering over it, just like all
the other commoners. Imagine such human muck as this; conceive of this folly!
    Yes, it was now Death to the Republic! everywhere - not a dissenting voice.
All England was marching against us! Truly this was more than I had bargained
for.
    I watched my fifty-two boys narrowly; watched their faces, their walk, their
unconscious attitudes: for all these are a language - a language given us
purposely that it may betray us in times of emergency, when we have secrets
which we want to keep. I knew that that thought would keep saying itself over
and over again in their minds and hearts, All England is marching against us!
and ever more strenuously imploring attention with each repetition, ever more
sharply realizing itself to their imaginations, until even in their sleep they
would find no rest from it, but hear the vague and flitting creatures of their
dreams say, All England - ALL ENGLAND! - is marching against you! I knew all
this would happen; I knew that ultimately the pressure would become so great
that it would compel utterance; therefore, I must be ready with an answer at
that time - an answer well chosen and tranquilizing.
    I was right. The time came. They had to speak. Poor lads, it was pitiful to
see, they were so pale, so worn, so troubled. At first their spokesman could
hardly find voice or words; but he presently got both. This is what he said -
and he put it in the neat modern English taught him in my schools:
    »We have tried to forget what we are - English boys! We have tried to put
reason before sentiment, duty before love: our minds approve, but our hearts
reproach us. While apparently it was only the nobility, only the gentry, only
the twenty-five or thirty thousand knights left alive out of the late wars, we
were of one mind, and undisturbed by any troubling doubt; each and every one of
these fifty-two lads who stand here before you, said, They have chosen - it is
their affair. But think! - the matter is altered - all England is marching
against us! Oh, sir, consider! - reflect! - these people are our people, they
are bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh, we love them do not ask us to destroy
our nation!«
    Well, it shows the value of looking ahead, and being ready for a thing when
it happens. If I hadn't foreseen this thing, and been fixed, that boy would have
had me! - I couldn't have said a word. But I was fixed. I said:
    »My boys, your hearts are in the right place, you have thought the worthy
thought, you have done the worthy thing. You are English boys, you will remain
English boys, and you will keep that name unsmirched. Give yourselves no further
concern, let your minds be at peace. Consider this: while all England is
marching against us, who is in the van? Who, by the commonest rules of war, will
march in the front? Answer me.«
    »The mounted host of mailed knights.«
    »True. They are 30,000 strong. Acres deep, they will march. Now, observe:
none but they will ever strike the sand-belt! Then there will be an episode!
Immediately after, the civilian multitude in the rear will retire, to meet
business engagements elsewhere. None but nobles and gentry are knights, and none
but these will remain to dance to our music after that episode. It is absolutely
true that we shall have to fight nobody but these thirty thousand knights. Now
speak, and it shall be as you decide. Shall we avoid the battle, retire from the
field?«
    »NO!!!«
    The shout was unanimous and hearty.
    »Are you - are you - well, afraid of these thirty thousand knights?«
    That joke brought out a good laugh, the boys' troubles vanished away, and
they went gaily to their posts. Ah, they were a darling fifty-two! As pretty as
girls, too.
    I was ready for the enemy, now. Let the approaching big day come along - it
would find us on deck.
    The big day arrived, on time. At dawn the sentry on watch in the corral came
into the cave and reported a moving black mass under the horizon, and a faint
sound which he thought to be military music. Breakfast was just ready; we sat
down and ate it.
    This over, I made the boys a little speech, and then sent out a detail to
man the battery, with Clarence in command of it.
    The sun rose presently, and sent its unobstructed splendours over the land,
and we saw a prodigious host moving slowly toward us, with the steady drift and
aligned front of a wave of the sea. Nearer and nearer it came, and more and more
sublimely imposing became its aspect; yes, all England was there, apparently.
Soon we could see the innumerable banners fluttering, and then the sun struck
the sea of armour and set it all aflash. Yes, it was a fine sight; I hadn't ever
seen anything to beat it.
    At last we could make out details. All the front ranks, no telling how many
acres deep, were horsemen - plumed knights in armour. Suddenly we heard the blare
of trumpets; the slow walk burst into a gallop, and then - well, it was
wonderful to see! Down swept that vast horse-shoe wave - it approached the
sand-belt - my breath stood still; nearer, nearer - the strip of green turf
beyond the yellow belt grew narrow - narrower, still - became a mere ribbon in
front of the horses - then disappeared under their hoofs. Great Scott! Why, the
whole front of that host shot into the sky with a thunder-crash, and became a
whirling tempest of rags and fragments; and along the ground lay a thick wall of
smoke that hid what was left of the multitude from our sight.
    Time for the second step in the plan of campaign! I touched a button and
shook the bones of England loose from her spine!
    In that explosion all our noble civilization-factories went up in the air,
and disappeared from the earth. It was a pity, but it was necessary. We could
not afford to let the enemy turn our own weapons against us.
    Now ensued one of the dullest quarter-hours I had ever endured. We waited in
a silent solitude enclosed by our circles of wire, and by a circle of heavy
smoke outside of these. We couldn't see over the wall of smoke, and we couldn't
see through it. But at last it began to shred away lazily, and by the end of
another quarter-hour the land was clear and our curiosity was enabled to satisfy
itself. No living creature was in sight? We now perceived that additions had
been made to our defences. The dynamite had dug a ditch more than a hundred feet
wide, all around us, and cast up an embankment some twenty-five feet high on
both borders of it. As to destruction of life, it was amazing. Moreover, it was
beyond estimate. Of course we could not count the dead, because they did not
exist as individuals, but merely as homogeneous protoplasm, with alloys of iron
and buttons.
    No life was in sight, but necessarily there must have been some wounded in
the rear ranks, who were carried off the field under cover of the wall of smoke;
there would be sickness among the others - there always is, after an episode
like that. But there would be no reinforcements; this was the last stand of the
chivalry of England; it was all that was left of the order, after the recent
annihilating wars. So I felt quite safe in believing that the utmost force that
could for the future be brought against us would be but small; that is, of
knights. I therefore issued a congratulatory proclamation to my army, in these
words:
 
        »Soldiers, Champions of Human Liberty and Equality: Your General
        congratulates you! In the pride of his strength and the vanity of his
        renown, an arrogant enemy came against you. You were ready. The conflict
        was brief; on your side, glorious. This mighty victory having been
        achieved utterly without loss, stands without example in history. So
        long as the planets shall continue to move in their orbits, THE BATTLE
        OF THE SAND-BELT will not perish out of the memories of men.
                                                                      THE BOSS.«
 
I read it well, and the applause I got was very gratifying to me. I then wound
up with these remarks:
    »The war with the English nation as a nation, is at an end. The nation has
retired from the field and the war. Before it can be persuaded to return, war
will have ceased. This campaign is the only one that is going to be fought. It
will be brief - the briefest in history. Also the most destructive to life,
considered from the stand-point of proportion of casualties to numbers engaged.
We are done with the nation; henceforth we deal only with the knights. English
knights can be killed, but they cannot be conquered. We know what is before us.
While one of these men remains alive, our task is not finished, the war is not
ended. We will kill them all.« [Loud and long continued applause.]
    I picketed the great embankments thrown up around our lines by the dynamite
explosion - merely a lookout of a couple of boys to announce the enemy when he
should appear again.
    Next, I sent an engineer and forty men to a point just beyond our lines on
the south, to turn a mountain brook that was there, and bring it within our
lines and under our command, arranging it in such a way that I could make
instant use of it in an emergency. The forty men were divided into two shifts of
twenty each, and were to relieve each other every two hours. In ten hours the
work was accomplished.
    It was nightfall, now, and I withdrew my pickets. The one who had had the
northern outlook reported a camp in sight, but visible with the glass, only. He
also reported that a few knights had been feeling their way toward us, and had
driven some cattle across our lines, but that the knights themselves had not
come very near. That was what I had been expecting. They were feeling us, you
see; they wanted to know if we were going to play that red terror on them again.
They would grow bolder in the night, perhaps. I believed I knew what project
they would attempt, because it was plainly the thing I would attempt myself if I
were in their places and as ignorant as they were. I mentioned it to Clarence.
    »I think you are right,« said he; »it is the obvious thing for them to try.«
    »Well, then,« I said, »if they do it they are doomed.«
    »Certainly.«
    »They won't have the slightest show in the world.«
    »Of course they won't.«
    »It's dreadful, Clarence. It seems an awful pity.«
    The thing disturbed me so, that I couldn't get any peace of mind for
thinking of it and worrying over it. So, at last, to quiet my conscience, I
framed this message to the knights:
 
        »To the Honorable the Commander of the Insurgent Chivalry of England:
        You fight in vain. We know your strength - if one may call it by that
        name. We know that at the utmost you cannot bring against us above five
        and twenty thousand knights. Therefore, you have no chance - none
        whatever. Reflect: we are well equipped, well fortified; we number 54.
        Fifty- four what? Men? No, minds - the capablest in the world; a force
        against which mere animal might may no more hope to prevail than may the
        idle waves of the sea hope to prevail against the granite barriers of
        England. Be advised. We offer you your lives; for the sake of your
        families, do not reject the gift. We offer you this chance, and it is
        the last: throw down your arms; surrender unconditionally to the
        Republic, and all will be forgiven.
                                                            [Signed]. The Boss.«
 
I read it to Clarence, and said I proposed to send it by a flag of truce. He
laughed the sarcastic laugh he was born with, and said:
    »Somehow it seems impossible for you to ever fully realize what these
nobilities are. Now let us save a little time and trouble. Consider me the
Commander of the knights yonder. Now then, you are the flag of truce; approach
and deliver me your message, and I will give you your answer.«
    I humored the idea. I came forward under an imaginary guard of the enemy's
soldiers, produced my paper, and read it through. For answer, Clarence struck
the paper out of my hand, pursed up a scornful lip, and said with lofty disdain
-
    »Dismember me this animal, and return him in a basket to the base-born knave
his master; other answer have I none!«
    How empty is theory in presence of fact! And this was just fact, and nothing
else. It was the thing that would have happened, there was no getting around
that. I tore up the paper and granted my mistimed sentimentalities a permanent
rest.
    Then, to business. I tested the electrical signals from the gatling platform
to the cave and made sure that they were all right; I tested and re-tested those
which commanded the fences - these were signals whereby I could break and renew
the electric current in each fence independently of the others, at will. I
placed the brook-connection under the guard and authority of three of my best
boys, who would alternate in two-hour watches all night and promptly obey my
signal if I should have occasion to give it - three revolver-shots in quick
succession. Sentry-duty was discarded for the night, and the corral left empty
of life; I ordered that quiet be maintained in the cave, and the electric lights
turned down to a glimmer.
    As soon as it was good and dark, I shut off the current from all of the
fences, and then groped my way out to the embankment bordering our side of the
great dynamite ditch. I crept to the top of it and lay there on the slant of the
muck to watch. But it was too dark to see anything. As for sounds, there were
none. The stillness was deathlike. True, there were the usual night-sounds of
the country - the whir of night-birds, the buzzing of insects, the barking of
distant dogs, the mellow lowing of far-off kine - but these didn't seem to break
the stillness, they only intensified it, and added a grewsome melancholy to it
into the bargain.
    I presently gave up looking, the night shut down so black, but I kept my
ears strained to catch the least suspicious sound, for I judged I had only to
wait and I shouldn't be disappointed. However, I had to wait a long time. At
last I caught what you may call indistinct glimpses of sound - dulled metallic
sound. I pricked up my ears, then, and held my breath, for this was the sort of
thing I had been waiting for. This sound thickened, and approached - from toward
the north. Presently I heard it at my own level - the ridge-top of the opposite
embankment, a hundred feet or more away. Then I seemed to see a row of black
dots appear along that ridge - human heads? I couldn't tell; it mightn't be
anything at all; you can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of
focus. However, the question was soon settled. I heard that metallic noise
descending into the great ditch. It augmented fast, it spread all along, and it
unmistakably furnished me this fact: an armed host was taking up its quarters in
the ditch. Yes, these people were arranging a little surprise party for us. We
could expect entertainment about dawn, possibly earlier.
    I groped ma way back to the corral, now; I had seen enough. I went to the
platform and signaled to turn the current onto the two inner fences. Then I went
into the cave, and found everything satisfactory there - nobody awake but the
working-watch. I woke Clarence and told him the great ditch was filling up with
men, and that I believed all the knights were coming for us in a body. It was my
notion that as soon as dawn approached we could expect the ditch's ambuscaded
thousands to swarm up over the embankment and make an assault, and be followed
immediately by the rest of their army.
    Clarence said:
    »They will be wanting to send a scout or two in the dark to make preliminary
observations. Why not take the lightning off the outer fences, and give them a
chance?«
    »I've already done it, Clarence. Did you ever know me to be inhospitable?«
    »No, you are a good heart. I want to go and -«
    »Be a reception committee? I will go, too.«
    We crossed the corral and lay down together between the two inside fences.
Even the dim light in the cave had disordered our eyesight somewhat, but the
focus straightway began to regulate itself and soon it was adjusted for present
circumstances. We had had to feel our way before, but we could make out to see
the fence-posts, now. We started a whispered conversation, but suddenly Clarence
broke off and said -
    »What is that?«
    »What is what?«
    »That thing yonder?«
    »What thing? - where?«
    »There beyond you a little piece - a dark something - a dull shape of some
kind - against the second fence.«
    I gazed, and he gazed. I said:
    »Could it be a man, Clarence?«
    »No, I think not. If you notice, it looks a lit - why, it is a man! -
leaning on the fence.«
    »I certainly believe it is; let's go and see.«
    We crept along on our hands and knees until we were pretty close, and then
looked up. Yes, it was a man - a dim great figure in armour, standing erect, with
both hands on the upper wire - and of course there was a smell of burning flesh.
Poor fellow, dead as a doornail, and never knew what hurt him. He stood there
like a statue - no motion about him, except that his plumes swished about a
little in the night wind. We rose up and looked in through the bars of his
visor, but couldn't make out whether we knew him or not - features too dim and
shadowed.
    We heard muffled sounds approaching, and we sank down to the ground where we
were. We made out another knight vaguely; he was coming very stealthily, and
feeling his way. He was near enough, now, for us to see him put out a hand, find
an upper wire, then bend and step under it and over the lower one. Now he
arrived at the first knight - and started slightly when he discovered him. He
stood a moment - no doubt wondering why the other one didn't move on; then he
said, in a low voice, »Why dreamest thou here, good Sir Mar -« then he laid his
hand on the corpse's shoulder - and just uttered a little soft moan and sunk
down dead. Killed by a dead man, you see - killed by a dead friend, in fact.
There was something awful about it.
    These early birds came scattering along after each other, about one every
five minutes in our vicinity, during half an hour. They brought no armour of
offence but their swords; as a rule they carried the sword ready in the hand,
and put it forward and found the wires with it. We would now and then see a blue
spark when the knight that caused it was so far away as to be invisible to us;
but we knew what had happened, all the same, poor fellow: he had touched a
charged wire with his sword, and been elected. We had brief intervals of grim
stillness, interrupted with piteous regularity by the clash made by the falling
of an iron-clad; and this sort of thing was going on, right along, and was very
creepy, there in the dark and lonesomeness.
    We concluded to make a tour between the inner fences. We elected to walk
upright, for convenience sake; we argued that if discerned, we should be taken
for friends rather than enemies, and in any case we should be out of reach of
swords, and these gentry did not seem to have any spears along. Well, it was a
curious trip. Everywhere dead men were lying outside the second fence - not
plainly visible, but still visible; and we counted fifteen of those pathetic
statues - dead knights standing with their hands on the upper wire.
    One thing seemed to be sufficiently demonstrated: our current was so
tremendous that it killed before the victim could cry out. Pretty soon we
detected a muffled and heavy sound, and next moment we guessed what it was. It
was a surprise in force coming! I whispered Clarence to go and wake the army,
and notify it to wait in silence in the cave for further orders. He was soon
back, and we stood by the inner fence and watched the silent lightning do its
awful work upon that swarming host. One could make out but little of detail; but
he could note that a black mass was piling itself up beyond the second fence.
That swelling bulk was dead men! Our camp was enclosed with a solid wall of the
dead - a bulwark, a breastwork, of corpses, you may say. One terrible thing
about this thing was the absence of human voices; there were no cheers, no war
cries: being intent upon a surprise, these men moved as noiselessly as they
could; and always when the front rank was near enough to their goal to make it
proper for them to begin to get a shout ready, of course they struck the fatal
line and went down without testifying.
    I sent a current through the third fence, now; and almost immediately
through the fourth and fifth, so quickly were the gaps filled up. I believed the
time was come, now, for my climax; I believed that that whole army was in our
trap. Anyway, it was high time to find out. So I touched a button and set fifty
electric suns aflame on the top of our precipice.
    Land, what a sight! We were enclosed in three walls of dead men! All the
other fences were pretty nearly filled with the living, who were stealthily
working their way forward through the wires. The sudden glare paralysed this
host, petrified them, you may say, with astonishment; there was just one instant
for me to utilize their immobility in, and I didn't lose the chance. You see, in
another instant they would have recovered their faculties; then they'd have
burst into a cheer and made a rush, and my wires would have gone down before it;
but that lost instant lost them their opportunity forever: while even that
slight fragment of time was still unspent, I shot the current through all the
fences and struck the whole host dead in their tracks! There was a groan you
could hear! It voiced the death-pang of eleven thousand men. It swelled out on
the night with awful pathos.
    A glance showed that the rest of the enemy - perhaps ten thousand strong -
were between us and the encircling ditch, and pressing forward to the assault.
Consequently we had them all! and had them past help. Time for the last act of
the tragedy. I fired the three appointed revolver shots - which meant:
    »Turn on the water!«
    There was a sudden rush and roar, and in a minute the mountain brook was
raging through the big ditch and creating a river a hundred feet wide and
twenty-five deep.
    »Stand to your guns, men! Open fire!«
    The thirteen gatlings began to vomit death into the fated ten thousand. They
halted, they stood their ground a moment against that withering deluge of fire,
then they broke, faced about and swept toward the ditch like chaff before a
gale. A full fourth part of their force never reached the top of the lofty
embankment; the three-fourths reached it and plunged over - to death by
drowning.
    Within ten short minutes after we had opened fire, armed resistance was
totally annihilated, the campaign was ended, we fifty-four were masters of
England! Twenty-five thousand men lay dead around us.
    But how treacherous is fortune! In a little while - say an hour - happened a
thing, by my own fault, which - but I have no heart to write that. Let the
record end here.
 

                                   Chapter 44

                            A Postscript by Clarence

I Clarence, must write it for him. He proposed that we two go out and see if any
help could be afforded the wounded. I was strenuous against the project. I said
that if there were many, we could do but little for them; and it would not be
wise for us to trust ourselves among them, anyway. But he could seldom be turned
from a purpose once formed; so we shut off the electric current from the fences,
took an escort along, climbed over the enclosing ramparts of dead knights, and
moved out upon the field. The first wounded man who appealed for help, was
sitting, with his back against a dead comrade. When the Boss bent over him and
spoke to him, the man recognized him and stabbed him. That knight was Sir
Meliagraunce, as I found out by tearing off his helmet. He will not ask for help
any more.
    We carried the Boss to the cave and gave his wound, which was not very
serious, the best care we could. In this service we had the help of Merlin,
though we did not know it. He was disguised as a woman, and appeared to be a
simple old peasant goodwife. In this disguise, with brown-stained face and
smooth shaven, he had appeared a few days after the Boss was hurt, and offered
to cook for us, saying her people had gone off to join certain new camps which
the enemy were forming, and that she was starving. The Boss had been getting
along very well, and had amused himself with finishing up his record.
    We were glad to have this woman, for we were short handed. We were in a
trap, you see - a trap of our own making. If we stayed where we were, our dead
would kill us; if we moved out of our defences, we should no longer be
invincible. We had conquered; in turn we were conquered. The Boss recognized
this; we all recognized it. If we could go to one of those new camps and patch
up some kind of terms with the enemy - yes, but the Boss could not go, and
neither could I, for I was among the first that were made sick by the poisonous
air bred by those dead thousands. Others were taken down, and still others.
To-morrow -
    To-morrow. It is here. And with it the end. About midnight I woke, and saw
that hag making curious passes in the air about the Boss's head and face, and
wondered what it meant. Everybody but the dynamo-watch lay steeped in sleep;
there was no sound. The woman ceased from her mysterious foolery, and started
tip-toeing toward the door. I called out -
    »Stop! What have you been doing?«
    She halted, and said with an accent of malicious satisfaction:
    »Ye were conquerors; ye are conquered! These others are perishing - you
also. Ye shall all die in this place - every one - except him. He sleepeth, now
- and shall sleep thirteen centuries. I am Merlin!«
    Then such a delirium of silly laughter overtook him that he reeled about
like a drunken man, and presently fetched up against one of our wires. His mouth
is spread open yet; apparently he is still laughing. I suppose the face will
retain that petrified laugh until the corpse turns to dust.
    The Boss has never stirred - sleeps like a stone. If he does not wake
to-day, we shall understand what kind of a sleep it is, and his body will then
be borne to a place in one of the remote recesses of the cave where none will
ever find it to desecrate it. As for the rest of us - well, it is agreed that if
any one of us ever escapes alive from this place, he will write the fact here,
and loyally hide this Manuscript with the Boss, our dear good chief, whose
property it is, be he alive or dead.
 
                             End of the Manuscript.
 

                              Final P. S. by M. T.

The dawn was come when I laid the Manuscript aside. The rain had almost ceased,
the world was gray and sad, the exhausted storm was sighing and sobbing itself
to rest. I went to the stranger's room, and listened at his door, which was
slightly ajar; I could hear his voice, and so I knocked. There was no answer,
but I still heard the voice. I peeped in. The man lay on his back, in bed,
talking brokenly but with spirit, and punctuating with his arms, which he
thrashed about, restlessly, as sick people do in delirium. I slipped in softly,
and bent over him. His mutterings and ejaculations went on. I spoke - merely a
word, to call his attention. His glassy eyes and his ashy face were alight in an
instant with pleasure, gratitude, gladness, welcome:
    »O, Sandy, you are come at last, - how I have longed for you! Sit by me - do
not leave me - never leave me again, Sandy, never again. Where is your hand? -
give it me, dear, let me hold it - there - now, all is well, all is peace, and I
am happy again - we are happy again, isn't it so, Sandy? You are so dim, so
vague, you are but a mist, a cloud, but you are here, and that is blessedness
sufficient; and I have your hand, don't take it away - it is for only a little
while, I shall not require it long. ... Was that the child? ... Hello-Central!
... She doesn't't answer. Asleep, perhaps? Bring her when she wakes, and let me
touch her hands, her face, her hair, and tell her good-bye. ... Sandy! ... Yes,
you are there. I lost myself a moment, and I thought you were gone. ... Have I
been sick long? It must be so; it seems months to me. And such dreams! such
strange and awful dreams, Sandy! Dreams that were as real as reality - delirium,
of course, but so real! Why, I thought the king was dead, I thought you were in
Gaul and couldn't get home, I thought there was a revolution; in the fantastic
frenzy of these dreams, I thought that Clarence and I, and a handful of my
cadets fought and exterminated the whole chivalry of England! But even that was
not the strangest. I seemed to be a creature out of a remote unborn age,
centuries hence, and even that was as real as the rest! Yes, I seemed to have
flown back out of that age into this of ours, and then forward to it again, and
was set down, a stranger and forlorn in that strange England, with an abyss of
thirteen centuries yawning between me and you! between me and my home and my
friends! between me and all that is dear to me, all that could make life worth
the living! It was awful - awfuler than you can ever imagine, Sandy. Ah, watch
by me, Sandy - stay by me every moment - don't let me go out of my mind again;
death is nothing, let it come, but not with those dreams, not with the torture
of those hideous dreams - I cannot endure that again. ... Sandy? ...«
    He lay muttering incoherently some little time; then for a time he lay
silent, and apparently sinking away toward death. Presently his fingers began to
pick busily at the coverlet, and by that sign I knew that his end was at hand.
With the first suggestion of the death-rattle in his throat he started up
slightly, and seemed to listen; then he said:
    »A bugle? ... It is the king! The drawbridge, there! Man the battlements! -
turn out the -«
    He was getting up his last effect; but he never finished it.
 

                                     Notes

1 Demented.
 
2 No matter.
 
3 The story is borrowed, language and all, from the Morte d'Arthur. - M. T.
 
4 All the details concerning the hermits, in this chapter, are from Lecky - but
greatly modified. This book not being a history but only a tale, the majority of
the historian's frank details were too strong for reproduction in it. - EDITOR.
