

                                 Tobias Smollet

                       The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

                                    Volume I

                   To Mr. Henry Davis, Bookseller, in London

                                                             Abergavenny, Aug. 4
Respected Sir,
    I have received your esteemed favour of the 13th ultimo, whereby it
appeareth, that you have perused those same Letters, the which were delivered
unto you by my friend the reverend Mr. Hugo Behn; and I am pleased to find you
think they may be printed with a good prospect of success; in as much as the
objections you mention, I humbly conceive, are such as may be redargued, if not
entirely removed - And, first, in the first place, as touching what prosecutions
may arise from printing the private correspondence of persons still living, give
me leave, with all due submission, to observe, that the Letters in question were
not written and sent under the seal of secrecy; that they have no tendency to
the mala fama, or prejudice of any person whatsoever; but rather to the
information and edification of mankind: so that it becometh a sort of duty to
promulgate them in usum publicum. Besides, I have consulted Mr. Davy Higgins, an
eminent attorney of this place, who, after due inspection and consideration,
declareth, That he doth not think the said Letters contain any matter which will
be held actionable in the eye of the law. Finally, if you and I should come to a
right understanding, I do declare in verbo sacerdotis, that, in case of any such
prosecution, I will take the whole upon my own shoulders, even quoad fine and
imprisonment, though, I must confess, I should not care to undergo flagellation:
Tam ad turpitudinem, quam ad amaritudinem pæna spectans - Secondly, concerning
the personal resentment of Mr. Justice Lismahago, I may say, non flocci facio -
I would not willingly vilipend any Christian, if, peradventure, he deserveth
that epithet: albeit, I am much surprised that more care is not taken to exclude
from the commission all such vagrant foreigners as may be justly suspected of
disaffection to our happy constitution, in church and state - God forbid that I
should be so uncharitable, as to affirm positively, that the said Lismahago is
no better than a Jesuit in disguise; but this I will assert and maintain, totis
viribus, that, from the day he qualified, he has never been once seen intra
templi parietes, that is to say, within the parish church Thirdly, with respect
to what passed at Mr. Kendal's table, when the said Lismahago was so brutal in
his reprehensions, I must inform you, my good sir, that I was obliged to retire,
not by fear arising from his minatory reproaches, which, as I said above, I
value not of a rush; but from the sudden effect produced by a barbel's row,
which I had eaten at dinner, not knowing, that the said row is at certain
seasons violently cathartic, as Galen observeth in his chapter peri ixtys.
    Fourthly, and lastly, with reference to the manner in which I got possession
of these Letters, it is a circumstance that concerns my own conscience only;
sufficeth it to say, I have fully satisfied the parties in whose custody they
were; and, by this time, I hope I have also satisfied you in such ways, that the
last hand may be put to our agreement, and the work proceed with all conve nient
expedition; in which hope I rest,
respected sir,
your very humble servant,
                                                               JONATHAN DUSTWICH
 
P.S. I propose, Deo volente, to have the pleasure of seeing you in the great
city, towards All-hallowtide, when I shall be glad to treat with you concerning
a parcel of MS. sermons, of a certain clergyman deceased; a cake of the right
leaven, for the present taste of the public. Verbum sapienti, etc.
                                                                           J. D.
 

                   To the Revd. Mr. Jonathan Dustwich, at --

Sir,
    I received yours in course of post, and shall be glad to treat with you for
the MS. which I have delivered to your friend Mr. Behn; but can by no means
comply with the terms proposed. Those things are so uncertain - Writing is all a
lottery - I have been a loser by the works of the greatest men of the age - I
could mention particulars, and name names; but don't choose it - The taste of the
town is so changeable. Then there have been so many letters upon travels lately
published - What between Smollett's, Sharp's, Derrick's, Thickness's,
Baltimore's and Baretti's, together with Shandy's Sentimental Travels, the
public seems to be cloyed with that kind of entertainment - Nevertheless, I
will, if you please, run the risk of printing and publishing, and you shall
have half the profits of the impression - You need not take the trouble to bring
up your sermons on my account - No body reads sermons but Methodists and
Dissenters - Besides, for my own part, I am quite a stranger to that sort of
reading; and the two persons, whose judgment I depended upon in these matters,
are out of the way; one is gone abroad, carpenter of a man of war; and the other
has been silly enough to abscond, in order to avoid a prosecution for blasphemy
- I'm a great loser by his going off - He has left a manual of devotion half
finished on my hands, after having received money for the whole copy - He was
the soundest divine, and had the most orthodox pen of all my people; and I never
knew his judgment fail, but in flying from his bread and butter on this
occasion.
    By owning you was not put in bodily fear by Lismahago, you preclude yourself
from the benefit of a good plea, over and above the advantage of binding him
over. In the late war, I inserted in my evening paper, a paragraph that came by
the post, reflecting upon the behaviour of a certain regiment in battle. An
officer of said regiment came to my shop, and, in the presence of my wife and
journeyman, threatened to cut off my ears - As I exhibited marks of bodily fear,
more ways than one, to the conviction of the byestanders, I bound him over; my
action lay, and I recovered. As for flagellation, you have nothing to fear, and
nothing to hope, on that head - There has been but one printer flogged at the
cart's tail these thirty years; that was Charles Watson; and he assured me it
was no more than a flea-bite. C- S- has been threatened several times by the
House of L-; but it came to nothing. If an information should be moved for, and
granted against you, as the editor of those Letters, I hope you will have
honesty and wit enough to appear and take your trial - If you should be
sentenced to the pillory, your fortune is made - As times go, that's a sure step
to honour and preferment. I shall think myself happy if I can lend you a lift;
and am, very sincerely,
Yours,
                                                                     HENRY DAVIS
London, Aug. 10th.

Please my kind service to your neighbour, my cousin Madoc - I have sent an
Almanack and Court-kalendar, directed for him at Mr. Sutton's, bookseller, in
Gloucester, carriage paid, which he will please to accept as a small token of my
regard. My wife, who is very fond of toasted cheese, presents her compliments to
him, and begs to know if there's any of that kind, which he was so good as to
send us last Christmas, to be sold in London.
                                                                           H. D.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Doctor,
    The pills are good for nothing - I might as well swallow snowballs to cool
my reins - I have told you over and over, how hard I am to move; and at this
time of day, I ought to know something of my own constitution. Why will you be
so positive? Prithee send me another prescription - I am as lame and as much
tortured in all my limbs as if I was broke upon the wheel: indeed, I am equally
distressed in mind and body - As if I had not plagues enough of my own, those
children of my sister are left me for a perpetual source of vexation - what
business have people to get children to plague their neighbours? A ridiculous
incident that happened yesterday to my niece Liddy, has disordered me in such a
manner, that I expect to be laid up with another fit of the gout - perhaps, I
may explain myself in my next. I shall set out to-morrow morning for the Hot
Well at Bristol, where I am afraid I shall stay longer than I could wish. On the
receipt of this, send Williams thither with my saddle-horse and the demi pique.
Tell Barns to thresh out the two old ricks, and send the corn to market, and
sell it off to the poor at a shilling a bushel under market price. - I have
received a sniveling letter from Griffin, offering to make a public submission
and pay costs. I want none of his submissions; neither will I pocket any of his
money - The fellow is a bad neighbour, and I desire to have nothing to do with
him: but as he is purse-proud, he shall pay for his insolence: let him give five
pounds to the poor of the parish, and I'll withdraw my action; and in the mean
time you may tell Prig to stop proceedings. - Let Morgan's widow have the
Alderney cow, and forty shillings to clothe her children: but don't say a
syllable of the matter to any living soul - I'll make her pay when she is able.
I desire you will lock up all my drawers, and keep the keys till meeting; and be
sure you take the iron chest with my papers into your own custody - Forgive all
this trouble from,
Dear Lewis,
Your affectionate
                                                                      M. BRAMBLE
    Gloucester, April 2.
 

                To Mrs. Gwyllim, house-keeper at Brambleton-hall

Mrs. Gwyllim,
    When this cums to hand, be sure to pack up in the trunk male that stands in
my closet, to be sent me in the Bristol wagon without loss of time, the
following articles, viz. my rose collard neglejay, with green robins, my yellow
damask, and my black velvet suit, with the short hoop; my bloo quilted petticot,
my green manteel, my laced apron, my French commode, Macklin head and lappets,
and the litel box with my jowls. Williams may bring over my bum-daffee, and the
viol with the easings of Dr. Hill's dock-water, and Chowder's lacksitif. The
poor creature has been terribly constuprated ever since we left huom. Pray take
particular care of the house while the family is absent. Let there be a fire
constantly kept in my brother's chamber and mine. The maids, having nothing to
do, may be sat a spinning. I desire you'll clap a pad-luck on the wind-seller,
and let none of the men have excess to the strong bear - don't forget to have
the gate shit every evening before dark. - The gardnir and the hind may lie
below in the landry, to partake the house, with the blunderbuss and the great
dog; and I hope you'll have a watchfull eye over the maids. I know that hussy,
Mary Jones, loves to be rumping with the men. Let me know if Alderney's calf be
sould yet, and what he fought - if the ould goose be sitting; and if the cobler
has cut Dicky, and how the pore anemil bore the operation . - No more at
present, but rests,
Yours,
                                                                 TABITHA BRAMBLE
    Glostar, April 2.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Molly,
    Heaving this importunity, I send my love to you and Saul, being in good
health, and hoping to hear the same from you; and that you and Saul will take my
poor kitten to bed with you this cold weather. - We have been all in a sad
taking here at Glostar - Miss Liddy had like to have run away with a player-man,
and young master and he would adone themselves a mischief; but the squire
applied to the mare, and they were bound over. - Mistress bid me not speak a
word of the matter to any Christian soul - no more I shall: for, we servints
should see all and say nothing - But what was worse than all this, Chowder has
had the misfortune to be worried by a butcher's dog, and came home in a terrible
pickle - Mistriss was taken with the asterisks, but they soon went off. The
docter was sent for to Chowder, and he subscribed a repository, which did him
great service - thank God he's now in a fair way to do well - pray take care of
my box and the pillyber, and put them under your own bed; for, I do suppose,
madam Gwyllim will be a prying into my secrets, now my back is turned. John
Thomas is in good health, but sulky. The squire gave away an ould coat to a poor
man; and John says as how tis robbing him of his parquisites. - I told him, by
his agreement he was to receive no vails; but he says as how there's a
difference betwixt vails and parquisites; and so there is for certain. We are
all going to the Hot Well, where I shall drink your health in a glass of water,
being,
Dear Molly,
Your humble servant to command,
                                                                     WM. JENKINS
    Glostar, April 2d.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    As I have nothing more at heart than to convince you I am incapable of
forgetting, or neglecting the friendship I made at college, I now begin that
correspondence by letters, which you and I agreed, at parting, to cultivate. I
begin it sooner than I intended, that you may have it in your power to refute
any idle reports which may be circulated to my prejudice at Oxford, touching a
foolish quarrel, in which I have been involved on account of my sister, who had
been some time settled here in a boarding-school. - When I came hither with my
uncle and aunt (who are our guardians) to fetch her away, I found her a fine,
tall girl, of seventeen, with an agreeable person; but remarkably simple, and
quite ignorant of the world. This disposition, and want of experience, had
exposed her to the addresses of a person - I know not what to call him, who had
seen her at a play; and, with a confidence and dexterity peculiar to himself,
found means to be recommended to her acquaintance. It was by the greatest
accident I intercepted one of his letters; as it was my duty to stifle this
correspondence in its birth, I made it my business to find him out, and tell him
very freely my sentiments of the matter. The spark did not like the stile I
used, and behaved with abundance of mettle. Though his rank in life (which, by
the bye, I am ashamed to declare) did not entitle him to much deference; yet as
his behaviour was remarkably spirited, I admitted him to the privilege of a
gentleman, and something might have happened, had not we been prevented. - In
short, the business took air, I know not how, and made abundance of noise -
recourse was had to justice - I was obliged to give my word and honour, etc. and
to-morrow morning we set out for Bristol Wells, where I expect to hear from you
by the return of the post. - I have got into a family of originals, whom I may
one day attempt to describe for your amusement. My aunt, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble,
is a maiden of forty-five, exceedingly starched, vain, and ridiculous. - My
uncle is an odd kind of humorist, always on the fret, and so unpleasant in his
manner, that rather than be obliged to keep him company, I'd resign all claim to
the inheritance of his estate. - Indeed his being tortured by the gout may have
soured his temper, and, perhaps, I may like him better on further acquaintance:
certain it is, all his servants and neighbours in the country, are fond of him,
even to a degree of enthusiasm, the reason of which I cannot as yet comprehend.
Remember me to Griffy Price, Gwyn, Mansel, Basset, and all the rest of my old
Cambrian companions. - Salute the bed-maker in my name - give my service to the
cook, and pray take care of poor Ponto, for the sake of his old master, who is,
and ever will be,
Dear Phillips,
                                                       Your affectionate friend,
                                                             and humble servant,
                                                                    JER. MELFORD
    Gloucester, April 2.
 

                   To Mrs. Jermyn, at her house in Gloucester

Dear Madam,
    Having no mother of my own, I hope you will give me leave to disburthen my
poor heart to you, who have always acted the part of a kind parent to me, ever
since I was put under your care. - Indeed, and indeed, my worthy governess may
believe me, when I assure her, that I never harboured a thought that was
otherwise than virtuous; and, if God will give me grace, I shall never behave so
as to cast a reflection on the care you have taken in my education. I confess I
have given just cause of offence by my want of prudence and experience. I ought
not to have listened to what the young man said; and it was my duty to have told
you all that passed, but I was ashamed to mention it; and then he behaved so
modest and respectful, and seemed to be so melancholy and timorous, that I could
not find in my heart to do any thing that should make him miserable and
desperate. As for familiarities, I do declare, I never once allowed him the
favour of a salute; and as to the few letters that passed between us, they are
all in my uncle's hands, and I hope they contain nothing contrary to innocence
and honour. - I am still persuaded that he is not what he appears to be: but
time will discover - mean while I will endeavour to forget a connexion, which is
so displeasing to my family. I have cried without ceasing, and have not tasted
any thing but tea, since I was hurried away from you; nor did I once close my
eyes for three nights running. - My aunt continues to chide me severely when we
are by ourselves; but I hope to soften her in time, by humility and submission.
- My uncle, who was so dreadfully passionate in the beginning, has been moved by
my tears and distress; and is now all tenderness and compassion; and my brother
is reconciled to me, on my promise to break off all correspondence with that
unfortunate youth: but, notwithstanding all their indulgence, I shall have no
peace of mind 'till I know my dear and ever honoured governess has forgiven her
poor, disconsolate, forlorn,
Affectionate humble servant,
till death,
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Clifton, April 6
 

                     To Miss Lætitia Willis, at Gloucester

My Dearest Letty,
    I am in such a fright, lest this should not come safe to hand by the
conveyance of Jarvis the carrier, that I beg you will write me, on the receipt
of it, directing to me, under cover, to Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, my aunt's maid,
who is a good girl, and has been so kind to me in my affliction, that I have
made her my confidant; as for Jarvis, he was very shy of taking charge of my
letter and the little parcel, because his sister Sally had like to have lost her
place on my account: indeed I cannot blame the man for his caution; but I have
made it worth his while. - My dear companion and bed-fellow, it is a grievous
addition to my other misfortunes, that I am deprived of your agreeable company
and conversation, at a time when I need so much the comfort of your good humour
and good sense; but, I hope, the friendship we contracted at boarding-school,
will last for life - I doubt not but on my side it will daily increase and
improve, as I gain experience, and learn to know the value of a true friend. -
O, my dear Letty! what shall I say about poor Mr. Wilson? I have promised to
break off all correspondence, and, if possible, to forget him: but, alas! I
begin to perceive that will not be in my power. As it is by no means proper that
the picture should remain in my hands, lest it should be the occasion of more
mischief, I have sent it to you by this opportunity, begging you will either
keep it safe till better times, or return it to Mr. Wilson himself, who, I
suppose, will make it his business to see you at the usual place. If he should
be low-spirited at my sending back his picture, you may tell him I have no
occasion for a picture, while the original continues engraved on my - But no; I
would not have you tell him that neither; because there must be an end of our
correspondence - I wish he may forget me, for the sake of his own peace; and yet
if he should, he must be a barbarous - But 'tis impossible - poor Wilson cannot
be false and inconstant: I beseech him not to write to me, nor attempt to see me
for some time; for, considering the resentment and passionate temper of my
brother Jery, such an attempt might be attended with consequences which would
make us all miserable for life - let us trust to time and the chapter of
accidents; or rather to that Providence which will not fail, sooner or later, to
reward those that walk in the paths of honour and virtue. - I would offer my
love to the young ladies; but it is not fit that any of them should know you
have received this letter. - If we go to Bath, I shall send you my simple
remarks upon that famous centre of polite amusement, and every other place we
may chance to visit; and I flatter myself that my dear Miss Willis will be
punctual in answering the letters of her affectionate,
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Clifton, April 6
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Lewis,
    I have followed your directions with some success, and might have been upon
my legs by this time, had the weather permitted me to use my saddle horse. I
rode out upon the Downs last Tuesday, in the forenoon, when the sky, as far as
the visible horizon, was without a cloud; but before I had gone a full mile, I
was overtaken instantaneously by a storm of rain that wet me to the skin in
three minutes - whence it came the devil knows; but it has laid me up (I
suppose) for one fortnight. It makes me sick to hear people talk of the fine air
upon Clifton-Downs: how can the air be either agreeable or salutary, where the
dæmon of vapours descends in a perpetual drizzle? My confinement is the more
intolerable, as I am surrounded with domestic vexations. - My niece has had a
dangerous fit of illness, occasioned by that cursed incident at Gloucester,
which I mentioned in my last. - She is a poor good-natured simpleton, as soft as
butter, and as easily melted - not that she's a fool - the girl's parts are not
despicable, and her education has not been neglected; that is to say, she can
write and spell, and speak French, and play upon the harpsichord; then she
dances finely, has a good figure, and is very well inclined; but, she's
deficient in spirit, and so susceptible - and so tender forsooth! - truly, she
has got a languishing eye, and reads romances - Then there's her brother,
'squire Jery, a pert jackanapes, full of college-petulance and self-conceit;
proud as a German count, and as hot and hasty as a Welch mountaineer. As for
that fantastical animal, my sister Tabby, you are no stranger to her
qualifications - I vow to God, she is sometimes so intolerable, that I almost
think she's the devil incarnate come to torment me for my sins; and yet I am
conscious of no sins that ought to entail such family-plagues upon me - why the
devil should not I shake off these torments at once? I an't married to Tabby,
thank Heaven! nor did I beget the other two: let them choose another guardian:
for my part, I an't in a condition to take care of myself; much less to
superintend the conduct of giddy-headed boys and girls. You earnestly desire to
know the particulars of our adventure at Gloucester, which are briefly these,
and I hope they will go no further: - Liddy had been so long cooped up in a
boarding-school, which, next to a nunnery, is the worst kind of seminary that
ever was contrived for young women, that she became as inflammable as
touch-wood; and going to a play in holiday-time, - 'sdeath, I'm ashamed to tell
you! she fell in love with one of the actors - a handsome young fellow that goes
by the name of Wilson. The rascal soon perceived the impression he had made, and
managed matters so as to see her at a house where she went to drink tea with her
governess. - This was the beginning of a correspondence, which they kept up by
means of a jade of a milliner, who made and dressed caps for the girls at the
boarding-school. When we arrived at Gloucester, Liddy came to stay at lodgings
with her aunt, and Wilson bribed the maid to deliver a letter into her own
hands; but it seems Jery had already acquired so much credit with the maid, (by
what means he best knows) that she carried the letter to him, and so the whole
plot was discovered. The rash boy, without saying a word of the matter to me,
went immediately in search of Wilson; and, I suppose, treated him with insolence
enough. The theatrical hero was too far gone in romance to brook such usage: he
replied in blank verse, and a formal challenge ensued. They agreed to meet early
next morning and decide the dispute with sword and pistol. I heard nothing at
all of the affair, 'till Mr. Morley came to my bed-side in the morning, and told
me he was afraid my nephew was going to fight, as he had been over-heard talking
very loud and vehement with Wilson at the young man's lodgings the night before,
and afterwards went and bought powder and ball at a shop in the neighbourhood. I
got up immediately, and upon inquiry found he was just gone out. I begged Morley
to knock up the mayor, that he might interpose as a magistrate, and in the mean
time I hobbled after the squire, whom I saw at a distance walking at a great
pace towards the city gate - in spite of all my efforts, I could not come up
'till our two combatants had taken their ground, and were priming their pistols.
An old house luckily screened me from their view; so that I rushed upon them at
once, before I was perceived. They were both confounded, and attempted to make
their escape different ways; but Morley coming up with constables at that
instant, took Wilson into custody, and Jery followed him quietly to the mayor's
house. All this time I was ignorant of what had passed the preceding day; and
neither of the parties would discover a tittle of the matter. The mayor observed
that it was great presumption in Wilson, who was a stroller, to proceed to such
extremities with a gentleman of family and fortune; and threatened to commit him
on the vagrant act. - The young fellow bustled up with great spirit, declaring
he was a gentleman, and would be treated as such; but he refused to explain
himself further. The master of the company being sent for, and examined,
touching the said Wilson, said the young man had engaged with him at Birmingham
about six months ago; but never would take his salary; that he had behaved so
well in his private character, as to acquire the respect and good-will of all
his acquaintance, and that the public owned his merit, as an actor, was
altogether extraordinary. - After all, I fancy, he will turn out to be a
run-away prentice from London. - The manager offered to bail him for any sum,
provided he would give his word and honour that he would keep the peace; but the
young gentleman was on his high ropes, and would by no means lay himself under
any restrictions: on the other hand, Hopefull was equally obstinate; till at
length the mayor declared, that if they both refused to be bound over, he would
immediately commit Wilson as a vagrant to hard labour. I own I was much pleased
with Jery's behaviour on this occasion: he said, that rather than Mr. Wilson
should be treated in such an ignominious manner, he would give his word and
honour to prosecute the affair no further while they remained at Gloucester -
Wilson thanked him for his generous manner of proceeding, and was discharged. On
our return to our lodgings, my nephew explained the whole mystery; and I own I
was exceedingly incensed. - Liddy being questioned on the subject, and very
severely reproached by that wild-cat my sister Tabby, first swooned away, then
dissolving in a flood of tears, confessed all the particulars of the
correspondence, at the same time giving up three letters, which was all she had
received from her admirer. The last, which Jery intercepted, I send you
enclosed, and when you have read it, I dare say you won't wonder at the progress
the writer had made in the heart of a simple girl, utterly unacquainted with the
characters of mankind. Thinking it was high time to remove her from such a
dangerous connexion, I carried her off the very next day to Bristol; but the
poor creature was so frightened and fluttered, by our threats and
expostulations, that she fell sick the fourth day after our arrival at Clifton,
and continued so ill for a whole week, that her life was despaired of. It was
not till yesterday that Dr. Rigge declared her out of danger. You cannot imagine
what I have suffered, partly from the indiscretion of this poor child, but much
more from the fear of losing her entirely. This air is intolerably cold, and the
place quite solitary - I never go down to the well without returning
low-spirited; for there I meet with half a dozen poor emaciated creatures, with
ghostly looks, in the last stage of a consumption, who have made shift to linger
through the winter, like so many exotic plants languishing in a hot-house; but,
in all appearance, will drop into their graves before the sun has warmth enough
to mitigate the rigour of this ungenial spring. - If you think the Bath water
will be of any service to me, I will go thither as soon as my niece can bear the
motion of the coach. - Tell Barns I am obliged to him for his advice; but don't
choose to follow it. If Davis voluntarily offers to give up the farm, the other
shall have it; but I will not begin at this time of day to distress my tenants,
because they are unfortunate, and cannot make regular payments: I wonder that
Barns should think me capable of such oppression - As for Higgins, the fellow is
a notorious poacher, to be sure; and an impudent rascal to set his snares in my
own paddock; but, I suppose, he thought he had some right (especially in my
absence) to partake of what nature seems to have intended for common use - you
may threaten him in my name, as much as you please, and if he repeats the
offence, let me know it before you have recourse to justice. - I know you are a
great sportsman, and oblige many of your friends: I need not tell you to make
use of my grounds; but it may be necessary to hint, that I'm more afraid of my
fowling piece than of my game. When you can spare two or three brace of
partridges, send them over by the stage coach, and tell Gwyllim that she forgot
to pack up my flannels and wide shoes in the trunk-mail - I shall trouble you as
usual, from time to time, 'till at last I suppose you will be tired of
corresponding with
Your assured friend,
                                                                      M. BRAMBLE
    Clifton, April 17.
 

                             To Miss Lydia Melford

Miss Willis has pronounced my doom - you are going away, dear Miss Melford! -
you are going to be removed, I know not whither! what shall I do? which way
shall I turn for consolation? I know not what I say - all night long have I been
tossed in a sea of doubts and fears, uncertainty and distraction, without being
able to connect my thoughts, much less to form any consistent plan of conduct -
I was even tempted to wish that I had never seen you; or that you had been less
amiable, or less compassionate to your poor Wilson; and yet it would be
detestable ingratitude in me to form such a wish, considering how much I am
indebted to your goodness, and the ineffable pleasure I have derived from your
indulgence and approbation - Good God! I never heard your name mentioned without
emotion! the most distant prospect of being admitted to your company, filled my
whole soul with a kind of pleasing alarm! as the time approached, my heart beat
with redoubled force, and every nerve thrilled with a transport of expectation;
but, when I found myself actually in your presence; - when I heard you speak; -
when I saw you smile; when I beheld your charming eyes turned favourably upon
me; my breast was filled with such tumults of delight, as wholly deprived me of
the power of utterance, and wrapt me in a delirium of joy! - encouraged by your
sweetness of temper and affability, I ventured to describe the feelings of my
heart - even then you did not check my presumption - you pitied my sufferings,
and gave me leave to hope - you put a favourable - perhaps too favourable a
construction, on my appearance - certain it is, I am no player in love - I speak
the language of my own heart; and have no prompter but nature. - Yet there is
something in this heart, which I have not yet disclosed - I flattered myself -
But, I will not - I must not proceed - Dear Miss Liddy! for Heaven's sake,
contrive, if possible, some means of letting me speak to you before you leave
Gloucester; otherwise, I know not what will - But I begin to rave again - I will
endeavour to bear this trial with fortitude - while I am capable of reflecting
upon your tenderness and truth, I surely have no cause to despair - yet I am
strangely affected. The sun seems to deny me light - a cloud hangs over me, and
there is a dreadful weight upon my spirits! While you stay in this place, I
shall continually hover about your lodgings, as the parted soul is said to
linger about the grave where its mortal consort lies. - I know, if it is in your
power, you will task your humanity - your compassion - shall I add, your
affection? - in order to assuage the almost intolerable disquiet that torments
the heart of your afflicted,
                                                                          WILSON
    Gloucester, March 31.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

                                                              Hot-well, April 18
Dear Phillips,
    I give Mansel credit for his invention, in propagating the report that I had
a quarrel with a mountebank's merry Andrew at Gloucester: but I have too much
respect for every appendage of wit, to quarrel even with the lowest buffoonery;
and therefore I hope Mansel and I shall always be good friends. I cannot,
however, approve of his drowning my poor dog Ponto, on purpose to convert Ovid's
pleonasm into a punning epitaph. - deerant quoque Littora Ponto: for, that he
threw him into the Isis, when it was so high and impetuous, with no other view
than to kill the fleas, is an excuse that will not hold water - But I leave poor
Ponto to his fate, and hope Providence will take care to accommodate Mansel with
a drier death.
    As there is nothing that can be called company at the Well, I am here in a
state of absolute rustication: This, however, gives me leisure to observe the
singularities in my uncle's character, which seems to have interested your
curiosity. The truth is, his disposition and mine, which, like oil and vinegar,
repelled one another at first, have now begun to mix by dint of being beat up
together. I was once apt to believe him a complete Cynic; and that nothing but
the necessity of his occasions could compel him to get within the pale of
society - I am now of another opinion. I think his peevishness arises partly
from bodily pain, and partly from a natural excess of mental sensibility; for, I
suppose, the mind as well as the body, is in some cases endued with a morbid
excess of sensation.
    I was t'other day much diverted with a conversation that passed in the
Pump-room, betwixt him and the famous Dr. L--n, who is come to ply at the Well
for patients. My uncle was complaining of the stink, occasioned by the vast
quantity of mud and slime, which the river leaves at low ebb under the windows
of the Pump-room. He observed, that the exhalations arising from such a
nuisance, could not but be prejudicial to the weak lungs of many consumptive
patients, who came to drink the water. The Doctor overhearing this remark, made
up to him, and assured him he was mistaken. He said, people in general were so
misled by vulgar prejudices, that philosophy was hardly sufficient to undeceive
them. Then humming thrice, he assumed a most ridiculous solemnity of aspect, and
entered into a learned investigation of the nature of stink. He observed, that
stink, or stench, meant no more than a strong impression on the olfactory
nerves; and might be applied to substances of the most opposite qualities; that
in the Dutch language, stinken signified the most agreeable perfume, as well as
the most fetid odour, as appears in Van Vloudel's translation of Horace, in that
beautiful ode, Quis multa gracilis, etc. - The words liquidis perfusus odoribus,
he translates van civet &amp; moschata gestinken: that individuals differed toto
cælo in their opinion of smells, which, indeed, was altogether as arbitrary as
the opinion of beauty; that the French were pleased with the putrid effluvia of
animal food; and so were the Hottentots in Africa, and the Savages in Greenland;
and that the Negroes on the coast of Senegal would not touch fish till it was
rotten; strong presumptions in favour of what is generally called stink, as
those nations are in a state of nature, undebauched by luxury, unseduced by whim
and caprice: that he had reason to believe the stercoraceous flavour, condemned
by prejudice as a stink, was, in fact, most agreeable to the organs of smelling;
for, that every person who pretended to nauseate the smell of another's
excretions, snuffed up his own with particular complacency; for the truth of
which he appealed to all the ladies and gentlemen then present: he said, the
inhabitants of Madrid and Edinburgh found particular satisfaction in breathing
their own atmosphere, which was always impregnated with stercoraceous effluvia:
that the learned Dr. B-, in his treatise on the Four Digestions, explains in
what manner the volatile effluvia from the intestines, stimulate and promote the
operations of the animal economy: he affirmed, the last Grand Duke of Tuscany,
of the Medicis family, who refined upon sensuality with the spirit of a
philosopher, was so delighted with that odour, that he caused the essence of
ordure to be extracted, and used it as the most delicious perfume: that he
himself, (the doctor) when he happened to be low-spirited, or fatigued with
business, found immediate relief and uncommon satisfaction from hanging over the
stale contents of a close-stool, while his servant stirred it about under his
nose; nor was this effect to be wondered at, when we consider that this
substance abounds with the self-same volatile salts that are so greedily smelled
to by the most delicate invalids, after they have been extracted and sublimed by
the chemists. - By this time the company began to hold their noses; but the
doctor, without taking the least notice of this signal, proceeded to show, that
many fetid substances were not only agreeable but salutary; such as assafetida,
and other medicinal gums, resins, roots, and vegetables, over and above burnt
feathers, tan-pits, candle-snuffs, etc. In short, he used many learned arguments
to persuade his audience out of their senses; and from stench made a transition
to filth, which he affirmed was also a mistaken idea, in as much as objects so
called, were no other than certain modifications of matter, consisting of the
same principles that enter into the composition of all created essences,
whatever they may be: that in the filthiest production of nature, a philosopher
considered nothing but the earth, water, salt, and air of which it was
compounded; that, for his own part, he had no more objection to drinking the
dirtiest ditch water, than he had to a glass of water from the Hot Well,
provided he was assured there was nothing poisonous in the concrete. Then
addressing himself to my uncle, »Sir, (said he) you seem to be of a dropsical
habit, and probably will soon have a confirmed ascites: if I should be present
when you are tapped, I will give you a convincing proof of what I assert, by
drinking without hesitation the water that comes out of your abdomen.« - The
ladies made wry faces at this declaration, and my uncle, changing colour, told
him he did not desire any such proof of his philosophy: »But I should be glad to
know (said he) what makes you think I am of a dropsical habit?« »Sir, I beg
pardon, (replied the doctor) I perceive your ankles are swelled, and you seem to
have the facies leucophlegmatica. Perhaps, indeed, your disorder may be
oedematous or gouty, or it may be the lues venerea: If you have any reason to
flatter yourself it is this last, sir, I will undertake to cure you with three
small pills, even if the disease should have attained its utmost inveteracy.
Sir, it is an arcanum which I have discovered, and prepared with infinite
labour. - Sir, I have lately cured a woman in Bristol - a common prostitute,
sir, who had got all the worst symptoms of the disorder; such as nodi, tophi,
and gummata, verrucæ cristæ Galli and a serpiginous eruption, or rather a pocky
itch all over her body. - By that time she had taken the second pill, sir, by
Heaven! she was as smooth as my hand, and the third made her as sound and as
fresh as a new born infant.« »Sir, (cried my uncle peevishly) I have no reason
to flatter myself that my disorder comes within the efficacy of your nostrum.
But, this patient you talk of, may not be so sound at bottom as you imagine.« »I
can't possibly be mistaken: (rejoined the philosopher) for I have had
communication with her three times - I always ascertain my cures in that
manner.« At this remark, all the ladies retired to another corner of the room,
and some of them began to spit. - As to my uncle, though he was ruffled at first
by the doctor's saying he was dropsical, he could not help smiling at this
ridiculous confession, and, I suppose, with a view to punish this original, told
him there was a wart upon his nose, that looked a little suspicious. »I don't
pretend to be a judge of those matters; (said he) but I understand that warts
are often produced by the distemper; and that one upon your nose seems to have
taken possession of the very keystone of the bridge, which I hope is in no
danger of falling.« L--n seemed a little confounded at this remark, and assured
him it was nothing but a common excrescence of the cuticula, but that the bones
were all sound below; for the truth of this assertion he appealed to the touch,
desiring he would feel the part. My uncle said it was a matter of such delicacy
to meddle with a gentleman's nose, that he declined the office - upon which, the
Doctor turning to me, entreated me to do him that favour. I complied with his
request, and handled it so roughly, that he sneezed, and the tears ran down his
cheeks, to the no small entertainment of the company, and particularly of my
uncle, who burst out a-laughing for the first time since I have been with him;
and took notice, that the part seemed to be very tender. »Sir, (cried the
Doctor) it is naturally a tender part; but to remove all possibility of doubt, I
will take off the wart this very night.«
    So saying, he bowed with great solemnity all round, and retired to his own
lodgings, where he applied a caustic to the wart; but it spread in such a manner
as to produce a considerable inflammation, attended with an enormous swelling;
so that when he next appeared his whole face was overshadowed by this tremendous
nozzle; and the rueful eagerness with which he explained this unlucky accident,
was ludicrous beyond all description. - I was much pleased with meeting the
original of a character, which you and I have often laughed at in description;
and what surprizes me very much, I find the features in the picture, which has
been drawn for him, rather softened than over-charged. -
    As I have something else to say; and this letter has run to an
unconscionable length, I shall now give you a little respite, and trouble you
again by the very first post. I wish you would take it in your head to retaliate
these double strokes upon
Yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

                                                              Hot Well, April 20
Dear Knight,
    I now sit down to execute the threat in the tail of my last. The truth is, I
am big with the secret, and long to be delivered. It relates to my guardian,
who, you know, is at present our principal object in view.
    T'other day, I thought I had detected him in such a state of frailty, as
would but ill become his years and character. There is a decent sort of a woman,
not disagreeable in her person, that comes to the Well, with a poor emaciated
child, far gone in a consumption. I had caught my uncle's eyes several times
directed to this person, with a very suspicious expression in them, and every
time he saw himself observed, he hastily withdrew them, with evident marks of
confusion - I resolved to watch him more narrowly, and saw him speaking to her
privately in a corner of the walk. At length, going down to the Well one day, I
met her half way up the hill to Clifton, and could not help suspecting she was
going to our lodgings by appointment, as it was about one o'clock, the hour when
my sister and I are generally at the Pump-room. - This notion exciting my
curiosity, I returned by a back way, and got unperceived into my own chamber,
which is contiguous to my uncle's apartment. Sure enough, the woman was
introduced, but not into his bed-chamber; he gave her audience in a parlour; so
that I was obliged to shift my station to another room, where, however, there
was a small chink in the partition, through which I could perceive what passed -
My uncle, though a little lame, rose up when she came in, and setting a chair
for her, desired she would sit down: then he asked if she would take a dish of
chocolate, which she declined, with much acknowledgement. After a short pause, he
said, in a croaking tone of voice, which confounded me not a little, »Madam, I
am truly concerned for your misfortunes; and if this trifle can be of any
service to you, I beg you will accept it without ceremony.« So saying, he put a
bit of paper into her hand, which she opening with great trepidation, exclaimed
in an extacy, »Twenty pounds! O, sir!« and sinking down upon a settee, fainted
away - Frightened at this fit, and, I suppose, afraid of calling for assistance,
lest her situation should give rise to unfavourable conjectures, he ran about
the room in distraction, making frightful grimaces; and, at length, had
recollection enough to throw a little water in her face; by which application
she was brought to herself: but, then her feeling took another turn. She shed a
flood of tears, and cried aloud, »I know not who you are: but, sure - worthy
sir! - generous sir! - the distress of me and my poor dying child - Oh! if the
widow's prayers - if the orphan's tears of gratitude can ought avail - gracious
Providence! - Blessings! shower down eternal blessings -« Here she was
interrupted by my uncle, who muttered in a voice still more and more discordant,
»For Heaven's sake be quiet, madam - consider - the people of the house -
'sdeath! can't you -« All this time she was struggling to throw herself on her
knees, while he seizing her by the wrists, endeavoured to seat her upon the
settee, saying, »Pr'ythee - good now - hold your tongue -« At that instant, who
should burst into the room but our aunt Tabby! of all antiquated maidens the
most diabolically capricious - Ever prying into other people's affairs, she had
seen the woman enter, and followed her to the door, where she stood listening,
but probably could hear nothing distinctly, except my uncle's last exclamation;
at which she bounced into the parlour in a violent rage, that dyed the tip of
her nose of a purple hue, - »Fy upon you, Matt! (cried she) what doings are
these, to disgrace your own character, and disparage your family?« - Then,
snatching the bank-note out of the stranger's hand, she went on - »How now,
twenty pounds! - here is temptation with a witness! - Good-woman, go about your
business - Brother, brother, I know not which most to admire; your concupissins,
or your extravagance! -« »Good God, (exclaimed the poor woman) shall a worthy
gentleman's character suffer for an action, that does honour to humanity?« By
this time, uncle's indignation was effectually roused. His face grew pale, his
teeth chattered, and his eyes flashed - »Sister, (cried he, in a voice like
thunder) I vow to God, your impertinence is exceedingly provoking.« With these
words, he took her by the hand, and, opening the door of communication, thrust
her into the chamber where I stood, so affected by the scene, that the tears ran
down my cheeks. Observing these marks of emotion, »I don't wonder (said she) to
see you concerned at the back-slidings of so near a relation; a man of his years
and infirmities: These are fine doings, truly - This is a rare example, set by a
guardian, for the benefit of his pupils - Monstrous! incongrous! sophistical!« -
I thought it was but an act of justice to set her to rights; and therefore
explained the mystery - But she would not be undeceived. »What! (said she) would
you go for to offer, for to arguefy me out of my senses? Did'n't I hear him
whispering to her to hold her tongue? Did'n't I see her in tears? Did'n't I see
him struggling to throw her upon the couch? O filthy! hideous! abominable!
Child, child, talk not to me of charity. - Who gives twenty pounds in charity? -
But you are a stripling - You know nothing of the world - Besides, charity
begins at home - Twenty pounds would buy me a complete suit of flowered silk,
trimmings and all -« In short, I quitted the room, my contempt for her, and my
respect for her brother, being increased in the same proportion. I have since
been informed, that the person, whom my uncle so generously relieved, is the
widow of an ensign, who has nothing to depend upon but the pension of fifteen
pounds a year. The people of the Well-house give her an excellent character. She
lodges in a garret, and works very hard at plain-work, to support her daughter,
who is dying of a consumption. I must own, to my shame, I feel a strong
inclination to follow my uncle's example, in relieving this poor widow; but,
betwixt friends, I am afraid of being detected in a weakness, that might entail
the ridicule of the company upon,
Dear Phillips,
yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
 
Direct your next to me at Bath; and remember me to all our fellow-jesuits.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

                                                              Hot Well, April 20
I understand your hint. There are mysteries in physick, as well as in religion;
which we of the profane have no right to investigate - A man must not presume to
use his reason, unless he has studied the categories, and can chop logic by mode
and figure - Between friends, I think, every man of tolerable parts ought, at my
time of day, to be both physician and lawyer, as far as his own constitution and
property are concerned. For my own part, I have had an hospital these fourteen
years within myself, and studied my own case with the most painful attention;
consequently may be supposed to know something of the matter, although I have
not taken regular courses of physiology et cetera et cetera. - In short, I have
for some time been of opinion, (no offence, dear Doctor) that the sum of all
your medical discoveries amounts to this, that the more you study the less you
know. - I have read all that has been written on the Hot Wells, and what I can
collect from the whole, is, that the water contains nothing but a little salt,
and calcarious earth, mixed in such inconsiderable proportion, as can have very
little, if any, effect on the animal economy. This being the case, I think, the
man deserves to be fitted with a cap and bells, who, for such a paltry advantage
as this spring affords, sacrifices his precious time, which might be employed in
taking more effectual remedies, and exposes himself to the dirt, the stench, the
chilling blasts, and perpetual rains, that render this place to me intolerable.
If these waters, from a small degree of astringency, are of some service in the
diabetes, diarrhæa, and night sweats, when the secretions are too much
increased, must not they do harm in the same proportion, where the humours are
obstructed, as in the asthma, scurvy, gout, and dropsy? - Now we talk of the
dropsy, here is a strange, fantastical oddity, one of your brethren, who
harrangues every day in the Pump-room, as if he was hired to give lectures on
all subjects whatsoever - I know not what to make of him - Sometimes he makes
shrewd remarks; at other times, he talks like the greatest simpleton in nature -
He has read a great deal; but without method or judgment, and digested nothing.
He believes every thing he has read; especially if it has any thing of the
marvellous in it; and his conversation is a surprising hotch-potch of erudition
and extravagance. - He told me t'other day, with great confidence, that my case
was dropsical; or, as he called it, leucophlegmatic: A sure sign, that his want
of experience is equal to his presumption; for, you know, there is nothing
analogous to the dropsy in my disorder - I wish those impertinent fellows, with
their ricketty understandings, would keep their advice for those that ask it -
Dropsy, indeed! Sure I have not lived to the age of fifty-five, and had such
experience of my own disorder, and consulted you and other eminent physicians,
so often, and so long, to be undeceived by such a - But, without all doubt, the
man is mad; and, therefore, what he says is of no consequence. I had, yesterday,
a visit from Higgins; who came hither under the terror of your threats, and
brought me in a present a brace of hares; which he owned he took in my ground;
and I could not persuade the fellow that he did wrong, or that I would ever
prosecute him for poaching - I must desire you will wink hard at the practices
of this rascallion; otherwise I shall be plagued with his presents; which cost
me more than they are worth. - If I could wonder at any thing Fitzowen does, I
should be surprised at his assurance, in desiring you to solicit my vote for
him, at the next election for the county: for him, who opposed me on the like
occasion, with the most illiberal competition - You may tell him civilly, that I
beg to be excused. Direct your next for me at Bath, whither I propose to remove
to-morrow; not only on my own account, but for the sake of my niece, Liddy, who
is like to relapse. The poor creature fell into a fit yesterday, while I was
cheapening a pair of spectacles, with a Jew-pedlar. - I am afraid there is
something still lurking in that little heart of her's; which I hope a change of
objects will remove. Let me know what you think of this half-witted Doctor's
impertinent, ridiculous, and absurd notion of my disorder - So far from being
dropsical, I am as lank in the belly as a grey-hound; and, by measuring my ankle
with a pack-thread, I find the swelling subsides every day - From such doctors,
good Lord deliver us! - I have not yet taken any lodgings in Bath; because there
we can be accommodated at a minute's warning, and I shall choose for myself - I
need not say your directions for drinking and bathing will be agreeable to,
Dear Lewis,
yours ever,
                                                                    MAT. BRAMBLE
 
P.S. I forgot to tell you, that my right ankle pits, a symptom, as I take it, of
its being oedematous, not leucophlegmatic.
 

                      To Miss Letty Willis, at Gloucester

                                                              Hot Well, April 21
My Dear Letty,
    I did not intend to trouble you again, till we should be settled at Bath;
but having the occasion of Jarvis, I could not let it slip, especially as I have
something extraordinary to communicate - O, my dear companion! What shall I tell
you? for several days past there was a Jew-looking man, that plied at the Wells
with a box of spectacles; and he always eyed me so earnestly, that I began to be
very uneasy. At last, he came to our lodgings at Clifton, and lingered about the
door, as if he wanted to speak to somebody - I was seized with an odd kind of
fluttering, and begged Win to throw herself in his way: but the poor girl has
weak nerves, and was afraid of his beard. My uncle, having occasion for new
glasses, called him up stairs, and was trying a pair of spectacles, when the
man, advancing to me, said, in a whisper - O gracious! what d'ye think he said?
- »I am Wilson!« His features struck me that very moment - it was Wilson, sure
enough! but so disguised, that it would have been impossible to know him, if my
heart had not assisted in the discovery. I was so surprised, and so frightened,
that I fainted away; but soon recovered; and found myself supported by him on
the chair, while my uncle was running about the room, with the spectacles on his
nose, calling for help. I had no opportunity to speak to him; but our looks were
sufficiently expressive. He was paid for his glasses, and went away. Then I told
Win who he was, and sent her after him to the Pump-room; where she spoke to him,
and begged him in my name to withdraw from the place, that he might not incur
the suspicion of my uncle or my brother, if he did not want to see me die of
terror and vexation. The poor youth declared, with tears in his eyes, that he
had something extraordinary to communicate; and asked, if she would deliver a
letter to me: but this she absolutely refused, by my order. - Finding her
obstinate in her refusal, he desired she would tell me, that he was no longer a
player, but a gentleman; in which character he would very soon avow his passion
for me, without fear of censure or reproach - Nay, he even discovered his name
and family; which, to my great grief, the simple girl forgot, in the confusion
occasioned by her being seen talking to him by my brother; who stopped her on the
road, and asked what business she had with that rascally Jew-She pretended she
was cheapening a stay-hook; but was thrown into such a quandary, that she forgot
the most material part of the information; and when she came home, went into an
hysteric fit of laughing. This transaction happened three days ago, during which
he has not appeared; so that I suppose he is gone. Dear Letty! you see how
Fortune takes pleasure in persecuting your poor friend. If you should see him at
Gloucester - or if you have seen him, and know his real name and family, pray
keep me no longer in suspense - And yet, if he is under no obligation to keep
himself longer concealed, and has a real affection for me, I should hope he
will, in a little time, declare himself to my relations. Sure, if there is
nothing unsuitable in the match, they won't be so cruel as to thwart my
inclinations - O what happiness would then be my portion! I can't help indulging
the thought, and pleasing my fancy with such agreeable ideas; which, after all,
perhaps, will never be realised - But, why should I despair? who knows what will
happen? - We set out for Bath to-morrow, and I am almost sorry for it; as I
begin to be in love with solitude, and this is a charming romantic place. The
air is so pure; the Downs are so agreeable; the furze in full blossom; the
ground enamelled with daisies, and primroses, and cowslips; all the trees
bursting into leaves, and the hedges already clothed with their vernal livery;
the mountains covered with flocks of sheep, and tender bleating wanton lambkins
playing, frisking and skipping from side to side; the groves resound with the
notes of black-bird, thrush, and linnet; and all night long sweet Philomel pours
forth her ravishingly delightful song. Then, for variety, we go down to the
nymph of Bristol spring, where the company is assembled before dinner; so
good-natured, so free, so easy; and there we drink the water so clear, so pure,
so mild, so charmingly maukish. There the sun is so cheerful and reviving; the
weather so soft; the walk so agreeable; the prospect so amusing; and the ships
and boats going up and down the river, close under the windows of the Pump-room,
afford such an enchanting variety of moving pictures, as require a much abler
pen than mine to describe. To make this place a perfect paradise to me, nothing
is wanting but an agreeable companion and sincere friend; such as my dear miss
Willis hath been, and I hope still will be, to her ever faithful
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
 
Direct for me, still under cover, to Win; and Jarvis will take care to convey it
safe. Adieu.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

                                                                  Bath, April 24
Dear Phillips,
    You have, indeed, reason to be surprised, that I should have concealed my
correspondence with miss Blackerby from you, to whom I disclosed all my other
connexions of that nature; but the truth is, I never dreamed of any such
commerce, till your last informed me, that it had produced something which could
not be much longer concealed. It is a lucky circumstance, however, that her
reputation will not suffer any detriment, but rather derive advantage from the
discovery; which will prove, at least, that it is not quite so rotten, as most
people imagined - For my own part, I declare to you, in all the sincerity of
friendship, that, far from having any amorous intercourse with the object in
question, I never had the least acquaintance with her person; but, if she is
really in the condition you describe, I suspect Mansel to be at the bottom of
the whole. His visits to that shrine were no secret; and this attachment, added
to some good offices, which you know he has done me, since I left Alma-mater,
give me a right to believe him capable of saddling me with this scandal, when my
back was turned - Nevertheless, if my name can be of any service to him, he is
welcome to make use of it; and if the woman should be abandoned enough to swear
his bantling to me, I must beg the favour of you to compound with the parish: I
shall pay the penalty without repining; and you will be so good as to draw upon
me immediately for the sum required - On this occasion, I act by the advice of
my uncle; who says, I shall have good-luck if I pass through life without being
obliged to make many more compositions of the same kind. The old gentleman told
me last night, with great good-humour, that betwixt the age of twenty and forty,
he had been obliged to provide for nine bastards, sworn to him by women whom he
never saw - Mr. Bramble's character, which seems to interest you greatly, opens
and improves upon me every day. - His singularities afford a rich mine of
entertainment: his understanding, so far as I can judge, is well cultivated: his
observations on life are equally just, pertinent, and uncommon. He affects
misanthropy, in order to conceal the sensibility of a heart, which is tender,
even to a degree of weakness. This delicacy of feeling, or soreness of the mind,
makes him timorous and fearful; but then he is afraid of nothing so much as of
dishonour; and although he is exceedingly cautious of giving offence, he will
fire at the least hint of insolence or ill-breeding. - Respectable as he is,
upon the whole, I can't help being sometimes diverted by his little distresses;
which provoke him to let fly the shafts of his satire, keen and penetrating as
the arrows of Teucer - Our aunt, Tabitha, acts upon him as a perpetual
grind-stone - She is, in all respects, a striking contrast to her brother - But
I reserve her portrait for another occasion.
    Three days ago we came hither from the Hot Well, and took possession of the
first floor of a lodging-house, on the South Parade; a situation which my uncle
chose, for its being near the Bath, and remote from the noise of carriages. He
was scarce warm in the lodgings when he called for his night cap, his wide
shoes, and flannel; and declared himself invested with the gout in his right
foot; though, I believe, it had as yet reached no farther than his imagination.
It was not long before he had reason to repent his premature declaration; for
our aunt Tabitha found means to make such a clamour and confusion, before the
flannels could be produced from the trunk, that one would have imagined the
house was on fire. All this time, uncle sat boiling with impatience, biting his
fingers, throwing up his eyes, and muttering ejaculations; at length he burst
into a kind of convulsive laugh, after which he hummed a song; and when the
hurricane was over, exclaimed, »Blessed be God for all things!« This, however,
was but the beginning of his troubles. Mrs. Tabitha's favourite dog Chowder,
having paid his compliments to a female turnspit, of his own species, in the
kitchen, involved himself in a quarrel with no fewer than five rivals, who set
upon him at once, and drove him up stairs to the dining-room door, with hideous
noise: there our aunt and her woman, taking arms in his defence, joined the
concert; which became truly diabolical. This fray being with difficulty
suppressed, by the intervention of our own foot-man and the cook-maid of the
house, the 'squire had just opened his mouth, to expostulate with Tabby, when
the town-waits, in the passage below, struck up their musick, (if musick it may
be called) with such a sudden burst of sound, as made him start and stare, with
marks of indignation and disquiet. He had recollection enough to send his
servant with some money to silence those noisy intruders; and they were
immediately dismissed, though not without some opposition on the part of
Tabitha, who thought it but reasonable that he should have more musick for his
money. Scarce had he settled this knotty point, when a strange kind of thumping
and bouncing was heard right overhead, in the second story, so loud and violent
as to shake the whole building. I own I was exceedingly provoked at this new
alarm; and before my uncle had time to express himself on the subject, I ran up
stairs, to see what was the matter. Finding the room-door open, I entered
without ceremony, and perceived an object, which I cannot now recollect without
laughing to excess - It was a dancing-master, with his scholar, in the act of
teaching. The master was blind of one eye, and lame of one foot, and led about
the room his pupil; who seemed to be about the age of three-score, stooped
mortally, was tall, raw-boned, hard-favoured, with a woollen night-cap on his
head; and he had stripped off his coat, that he might be more nimble in his
motions - Finding himself intruded upon, by a person he did not know, he
forthwith girded himself with a long iron sword, and advancing to me, with a
peremptory air, pronounced, in a true Hibernian accent, »Mister What d'ye
callum, by my saoul and conscience, I am very glad to sea you, if you are after
coming in the way of friendship; and indeed, and indeed now, I believe you are
my friend sure enough, gra; though I never had the honour to sea your face
before, my dear; for becaase you come like a friend, without any ceremony at
all, at all -« I told him the nature of my visit would not admit of ceremony;
that I was come to desire he would make less noise, as there was a sick
gentleman below, whom he had no right to disturb with such preposterous doings.
»Why, look-ye now, young gentleman, (replied this original) perhaps, upon
another occasion, I might shivilly request you to explain the maining of that
hard word, prepasterous: but there's a time for all things, honey -« So saying,
he passed me with great agility, and, running down stairs, found our foot-man at
the dining-room door, of whom he demanded admittance, to pay his respects to the
stranger. As the fellow did not think proper to refuse the request of such a
formidable figure, he was immediately introduced, and addressed himself to my
uncle in these words: »Your humble servant, good sir - I'm not so prepasterous,
as your son calls it, but I know the rules of shivility - I'm a poor knight of
Ireland, my name is sir Ulic Mackilligut, of the county of Galway; being your
fellow-lodger, I'm come to pay my respects, and to welcome you to the South
Parade, and to offer my best services to you, and your good lady, and your
pretty daughter; and even to the young gentleman your son, though he thinks me a
prepasterous fellow - You must know I am to have the honour to open a ball next
door to-morrow with lady Mac Manus; and being rusted in my dancing, I was
refreshing my memory with a little exercise; but if I had known there was a sick
person below, by Christ! I would have sooner danced a hornpipe upon my own head,
than walk the softest minuet over yours.« - My uncle, who was not a little
startled at his first appearance, received his compliment with great
complacency, insisted upon his being seated, thanked him for the honour of his
visit, and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a gentleman of his
rank and character. Thus tutored, I asked pardon of the knight, who, forthwith
starting up, embraced me so close, that I could hardly breathe; and assured me,
he loved me as his own soul. At length, recollecting his night-cap, he pulled it
off in some confusion; and, with his bald-pate uncovered, made a thousand
apologies to the ladies, as he retired - At that instant, the Abbey bells began
to ring so loud, that we could not hear one another speak; and this peal, as we
afterwards learned, was for the honour of Mr. Bullock, an eminent cow-keeper of
Tottenham, who had just arrived at Bath, to drink the waters for indigestion.
Mr. Bramble had not time to make his remarks upon the agreeable nature of this
serenade, before his ears were saluted with another concert that interested him
more nearly. Two Negroes, belonging to a Creole gentleman, who lodged in the
same house, taking their station at a window in the stair-case, about ten feet
from our dining-room door, began to practise upon the French-horn; and being in
the very first rudiments of execution, produced such discordant sounds, as might
have discomposed the organs of an ass - You may guess what effect they had upon
the irritable nerves of uncle; who, with the most admirable expression of
splenetic surprise in his countenance, sent his man to silence those dreadful
blasts, and desire the musicians to practise in some other place, as they had no
right to stand there and disturb all the lodgers in the house. Those sable
performers, far from taking the hint, and withdrawing, treated the messenger
with great insolence; bidding him carry his compliments to their master, colonel
Rigworm, who would give him a proper answer, and a good drubbing into the
bargain; in the mean time they continued their noise, and even endeavoured to
make it more disagreeable; laughing between whiles, at the thoughts of being
able to torment their betters with impunity. Our 'squire, incensed at the
additional insult, immediately dispatched the servant, with his compliments to
colonel Rigworm; requesting that he would order his blacks to be quiet, as the
noise they made was altogether intolerable - To this message, the Creole colonel
replied, that his horns had a right to sound on a common staircase; that there
they should play for his diversion; and that those who did not like the noise,
might look for lodgings else-where. Mr. Bramble no sooner received this reply,
than his eyes began to glisten, his face grew pale, and his teeth chattered.
After a moment's pause, he splipped on his shoes, without speaking a word, or
seeming to feel any further disturbance from the gout in his toes. Then,
snatching his cane, he opened the door and proceeded to the place where the
black trumpeters were posted. There, without further hesitation, he began to
belabour them both; and exerted himself with such astonishing vigour and
agility, that both their heads and horns were broken in a twinkling, and they
ran howling down stairs to their master's parlour-door. The 'squire, following
them half way, called aloud, that the colonel might hear him, »Go, rascals, and
tell your master what I have done; if he thinks himself injured, he knows where
to come for satisfaction. As for you, this is but an earnest of what you shall
receive, if ever you presume to blow a horn again here, while I stay in the
house.« So saying, he retired to his apartment, in expectation of hearing from
the West Indian; but the colonel prudently declined any farther prosecution of
the dispute. My sister Liddy was frightened into a fit, from which she was no
sooner recovered, than Mrs. Tabitha began a lecture upon patience; which her
brother interrupted with a most significant grin, exclaiming, »True, sister, God
increase my patience and your discretion. I wonder (added he) what sort of
sonata we are to expect from this overture, in which the devil, that presides
over horrid sounds, hath given us such variations of discord - The trampling of
porters, the creaking and crashing of trunks, the snarling of curs, the scolding
of women, the squeaking and squalling of fiddles and hautboys out of tune, the
bouncing of the Irish baronet over-head, and the bursting, belching, and
brattling of the French horns in the passage (not to mention the harmonious peal
that still thunders from the Abbey steeple) succeeding one another without
interruption, like the different parts of the same concert, have given me such
an idea of what a poor invalid has to expect in this temple, dedicated to
Silence and Repose, that I shall certainly shift my quarters to-morrow, and
endeavour to effectuate my retreat before Sir Ulic opens the ball with my lady
Mac Manus; a conjunction that bodes me no good.« This intimation was by no means
agreeable to Mrs. Tabitha, whose ears were not quite so delicate as those of her
brother - She said it would be great folly to move from such agreeable lodgings,
the moment they were comfortably settled. She wondered he should be such an
enemy to musick and mirth. She heard no noise but of his own making: it was
impossible to manage a family in dumb-show. He might harp as long as he pleased
upon her scolding; but she never scolded, except for his advantage; but he would
never be satisfied, even tho'f she should sweat blood and water in his service -
I have a great notion that our aunt, who is now declining into the most
desperate state of celibacy, had formed some design upon the heart of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut, which she feared might be frustrated by our abrupt departure from
these lodgings. Her brother, eyeing her askance, »Pardon me, sister, (said he) I
should be a savage, indeed, were I insensible of my own felicity, in having such
a mild, complaisant, good-humoured, and considerate companion and house-keeper;
but as I have got a weak head, and my sense of hearing is painfully acute,
before I have recourse to plugs of wooll and cotton, I'll try whether I can't
find another lodging, where I shall have more quiet and less musick.« He
accordingly dispatched his man upon this service; and next day he found a small
house in Milsham-street, which he hires by the week. Here, at least, we enjoy
convenience and quiet within doors, as much as Tabby's temper will allow; but
the 'squire still complains of flying pains in the stomach and head, for which
he bathes and drinks the waters. He is not so bad, however, but that he goes in
person to the pump, the rooms, and the coffee-houses; where he picks up
continual food for ridicule and satire. If I can glean any thing for your
amusement, either from his observation or my own, you shall have it freely,
though I am afraid it will poorly compensate the trouble of reading these
tedious insipid letters of,
Dear Phillips,
yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

                                                                  Bath, April 23
Dear Doctor,
    If I did not know that the exercise of your profession has habituated you to
the hearing of complaints, I should make a conscience of troubling you with my
correspondence, which may be truly called the lamentations of Matthew Bramble.
Yet I cannot help thinking, I have some right to discharge the overflowings of
my spleen upon you, whose province it is to remove those disorders that
occasioned it; and let me tell you, it is no small alleviation of my grievances,
that I have a sensible friend, to whom I can communicate my crusty humours,
which, by retention, would grow intolerably acrimonious.
    You must know, I find nothing but disappointment at Bath; which is so
altered, that I can scarce believe it is the same place that I frequented about
thirty years ago. Methinks I hear you say, »Altered it is, without all doubt;
but then it is altered for the better; a truth which, perhaps, you would own
without hesitation, if you yourself was not altered for the worse.« The
reflection may, for aught I know, be just. The inconveniences which I overlooked
in the high-day of health, will naturally strike with exaggerated impression on
the irritable nerves of an invalid, surprised by premature old age, and
shattered with long-suffering - But, I believe, you will not deny, that this
place, which Nature and Providence seem to have intended as a resource from
distemper and disquiet, is become the very centre of racket and dissipation.
Instead of that peace, tranquillity and ease, so necessary to those who labour
under bad health, weak nerves, and irregular spirits; here we have nothing but
noise, tumult, and hurry; with the fatigue and slavery of maintaining a
ceremonial, more stiff, formal, and oppressive, than the etiquette of a German
elector. A national hospital it may be; but one would imagine, that none but
lunatics are admitted; and, truly, I will give you leave to call me so, if I
stay much longer at Bath. - But I shall take another opportunity to explain my
sentiments at greater length on this subject - I was impatient to see the
boasted improvements in architecture, for which the upper parts of the town have
been so much celebrated, and t'other day I made a circuit of all the new
buildings. The Square, though irregular, is, on the whole, pretty well laid out,
spacious, open, and airy; and, in my opinion, by far the most wholesome and
agreeable situation in Bath, especially the upper side of it; but the avenues to
it are mean, dirty, dangerous, and indirect. Its communication with the Baths,
is through the yard of an inn, where the poor trembling valetudinarian is
carried in a chair, betwixt the heels of a double row of horses, wincing under
the curry-combs of grooms and postilions, over and above the hazard of being
obstructed, or overturned by the carriages which are continually making their
exit or their entrance - I suppose after some chairmen shall have been maimed,
and a few lives lost by those accidents, the corporation will think, in earnest,
about providing a more safe and commodious passage. The Circus is a pretty
bauble; contrived for show, and looks like Vespasian's amphitheatre turned
outside in. If we consider it in point of magnificence, the great number of
small doors belonging to the separate houses, the inconsiderable height of the
different orders, the affected ornaments of the architrave, which are both
childish and misplaced, and the areas projecting into the street, surrounded
with iron rails, destroy a good part of its effect upon the eye; and, perhaps,
we shall find it still more defective, if we view it in the light of
convenience. The figure of each separate dwelling-house, being the segment of a
circle, must spoil the symmetry of the rooms, by contracting them towards the
street windows, and leaving a larger sweep in the space behind. If, instead of
the areas and iron rails, which seem to be of very little use, there had been a
corridore with arcades all round, as in Covent-Garden, the appearance of the
whole would have been more magnificent and striking; those arcades would have
afforded an agreeable covered walk, and sheltered the poor chairmen and their
carriages from the rain, which is here almost perpetual. At present, the chairs
stand soaking in the open street, from morning to night, till they become so
many boxes of wet leather, for the benefit of the gouty and rheumatic, who are
transported in them from place to place. Indeed this is a shocking inconvenience
that extends over the whole city; and, I am persuaded, it produces infinite
mischief to the delicate and infirm; even the close chairs contrived for the
sick, by standing in the open air, have their frize linings impregnated, like so
many spunges, with the moisture of the atmosphere, and those cases of cold
vapour must give a charming check to the perspiration of a patient, piping hot
from the Bath, with all his pores wide open.
    But, to return to the Circus: it is inconvenient from its situation, at so
great a distance from all the markets, baths, and places of public
entertainment. The only entrance to it, through Gay-street, is so difficult,
steep, and slippery, that, in wet weather, it must be exceedingly dangerous,
both for those that ride in carriages, and those that walk a-foot; and when the
street is covered with snow, as it was for fifteen days successively this very
winter, I don't see how any individual could go either up or down, without the
most imminent hazard of broken bones. In blowing weather, I am told, most of the
houses in this hill are smothered with smoke, forced down the chimneys, by the
gusts of wind reverberated from the hill behind, which (I apprehend likewise)
must render the atmosphere here more humid and unwholesome than it is in the
square below; for the clouds, formed by the constant evaporation from the baths
and rivers in the bottom, will, in their ascent this way, be first attracted and
detained by the hill that rises close behind the Circus, and load the air with a
perpetual succession of vapours: this point, however, may be easily ascertained
by means of an hygrometer, or a paper of salt of tartar exposed to the action of
the atmosphere. The same artist, who planned the Circus, has likewise projected
a Crescent; when that is finished, we shall probably have a Star; and those who
are living thirty years hence, may, perhaps, see all the signs of the Zodiac
exhibited in architecture at Bath. These, however fantastical, are still designs
that denote some ingenuity and knowledge in the architect; but the rage of
building has laid hold on such a number of adventurers, that one sees new houses
starting up in every out-let and every corner of Bath; contrived without
judgment, executed without solidity, and stuck together, with so little regard
to plan and propriety, that the different lines of the new rows and buildings
interfere with, and intersect one another in every different angle of
conjunction. They look like the wreck of streets and squares disjointed by an
earthquake, which hath broken the ground into a variety of holes and hillocks;
or, as if some Gothic devil had stuffed them altogether in a bag, and left them
to stand higgledy piggledy, just as chance directed. What sort of a monster Bath
will become in a few years, with those growing excrescences, may be easily
conceived: but the want of beauty and proportion is not the worst effect of
these new mansions; they are built so slight, with the soft crumbling stone
found in this neighbourhood, that I should never sleep quietly in one of them,
when it blowed (as the sailors say) a cap-full of wind; and, I am persuaded,
that my hind, Roger Williams, or any man of equal strength, would be able to
push his foot through the strongest part of their walls, without any great
exertion of his muscles. All these absurdities arise from the general tide of
luxury, which hath overspread the nation, and swept away all, even the very
dregs of the people. Every upstart of fortune, harnessed in the trappings of the
mode, presents himself at Bath, as in the very focus of observation - Clerks and
factors from the East Indies, loaded with the spoil of plundered provinces;
planters, negro-drivers, and hucksters, from our American plantations, enriched
they know not how; agents, commissaries, and contractors, who have fattened, in
two successive wars, on the blood of the nation; usurers, brokers, and jobbers
of every kind; men of low birth, and no breeding, have found themselves suddenly
translated into a state of affluence, unknown to former ages; and no wonder that
their brains should be intoxicated with pride, vanity, and presumption. Knowing
no other criterion of greatness, but the ostentation of wealth, they discharge
their affluence without taste or conduct, through every channel of the most
absurd extravagance; and all of them hurry to Bath, because here, without any
further qualification, they can mingle with the princes and nobles of the land.
Even the wives and daughters of low tradesmen, who, like shovel-nosed sharks,
prey upon the blubber of those uncouth whales of fortune, are infected with the
same rage of displaying their importance; and the slightest indisposition serves
them for a pretext to insist upon being conveyed to Bath, where they may hobble
country-dances and cotillons among lordlings, 'squires, counsellors, and clergy.
These delicate creatures from Bedfordbury, Butcher-row, Crutched-Friers, and
Botolph-lane, cannot breathe in the gross air of the Lower Town, or conform to
the vulgar rules of a common lodging-house; the husband, therefore, must provide
an entire house, or elegant apartments in the new buildings. Such is the
composition of what is called the fashionable company at Bath; where a very
inconsiderable proportion of genteel people are lost in a mob of impudent
plebeians, who have neither understanding nor judgment, nor the least idea of
propriety and decorum; and seem to enjoy nothing so much as an opportunity of
insulting their betters.
    Thus the number of people, and the number of houses continue to increase;
and this will ever be the case, till the streams that swell this irresistible
torrent of folly and extravagance, shall either be exhausted, or turned into
other channels, by incidents and events which I do not pretend to foresee. This,
I own, is a subject on which I cannot write with any degree of patience; for the
mob is a monster I never could abide, either in its head, tail, midriff, or
members: I detest the whole of it, as a mass of ignorance, presumption, malice,
and brutality; and, in this term of reprobation, I include, without respect of
rank, station, or quality, all those of both sexes, who affect its manners, and
court its society.
    But I have written till my fingers are crampt, and my nausea begins to
return - By your advice, I sent to London a few days ago for half a pound of
Gengzeng; though I doubt much, whether that which comes from America is equally
efficacious with what is brought from the East Indies. Some years ago, a friend
of mine paid sixteen guineas for two ounces of it; and, in six months after, it
was sold in the same shop for five shillings the pound. In short, we live in a
vile world of fraud and sophistication; so that I know nothing of equal value
with the genuine friendship of a sensible man; a rare jewel! which I cannot help
thinking myself in possession of, while I repeat the old declaration, that I am,
as usual,
Dear Lewis,
Your affectionate
                                                                      M. BRAMBLE
 
After having been agitated in a short hurricane, on my first arrival, I have
taken a small house in Milsham-street, where I am tolerably well lodged, for
five guineas a week. I was yesterday at the Pump-room, and drank about a pint of
the water, which seems to agree with my stomach; and to-morrow morning I shall
bathe, for the first time; so that in a few posts you may expect farther
trouble; mean while, I am glad to find that the inoculation has succeeded so
well with poor Joyce, and that her face will be but little marked - If my friend
Sir Thomas was a single man, I would not trust such a handsome wench in his
family; but as I have recommended her, in a particular manner, to the protection
of lady G--, who is one of the best women in the world, she may go thither
without hesitation, as soon as she is quite recovered, and fit for service - Let
her mother have money to provide her with necessaries, and she may ride behind
her brother on Bucks; but you must lay strong injunctions on Jack, to take
particular care of the trusty old veteran, who has faithfully earned his present
ease, by his past services.
 

                         To Miss Willis, at Gloucester

                                                                  Bath, April 26
My Dearest Companion,
    The pleasure I received from yours, which came to hand yesterday, is not to
be expressed. Love and friendship are, without doubt, charming passions; which
absence serves only to heighten and improve. Your kind present of the garnet
bracelets, I shall keep as carefully as I preserve my own life; and I beg you
will accept, in return, of my heart-housewife, with the tortoise-shell
memorandum-book, as a trifling pledge of my unalterable affection.
    Bath is to me a new world - All is gaiety, good-humour, and diversion. The
eye is continually entertained with the splendour of dress and equipage; and the
ear with the sound of coaches, chaises, chairs, and other carriages. The merry
bells ring round, from morn till night. Then we are welcomed by the city-waits
in our own lodgings: we have musick in the Pump-room every morning, cotillons
every fore-noon in the rooms, balls twice a week, and concerts every other
night, besides private assemblies and parties without number - As soon as we
were settled in lodgings, we were visited by the Master of the Ceremonies; a
pretty little gentleman, so sweet, so fine, so civil, and polite, that in our
country he might pass for the prince of Wales; then he talks so charmingly, both
in verse and prose, that you would be delighted to hear him discourse; for you
must know he is a great writer, and has got five tragedies ready for the stage.
He did us the favour to dine with us, by my uncle's invitation; and next day
'squired my aunt and me to every part of Bath; which, to be sure, is an earthly
paradise. The Square, the Circus, and the Parades, put you in mind of the
sumptuous palaces represented in prints and pictures; and the new buildings,
such as Princes-row, Harlequin's-row, Bladud's-row, and twenty other rows, look
like so many enchanted castles, raised on hanging terraces.
    At eight in the morning, we go in dishabille to the Pump-room; which is
crowded like a Welsh fair; and there you see the highest quality, and the lowest
trades folks, jostling each other, without ceremony, hail-fellow well-met. The
noise of the musick playing in the gallery, the heat and flavour of such a
crowd, and the hum and buz of their conversation, gave me the head-ach and
vertigo the first day; but, afterwards, all these things became familiar, and
even agreeable. - Right under the Pump-room windows is the King's Bath; a huge
cistern, where you see the patients up to their necks in hot water. The ladies
wear jackets and petticoats of brown linen, with chip hats, in which they fix
their handkerchiefs to wipe the sweat from their faces; but, truly, whether it
is owing to the steam that surrounds them, or the heat of the water, or the
nature of the dress, or to all these causes together, they look so flushed, and
so frightful, that I always turn my eyes another way - My aunt, who says every
person of fashion should make her appearance in the bath, as well as in the
abbey church, contrived a cap with cherry-coloured ribbons to suit her
complexion, and obliged Win to attend her yesterday morning in the water. But,
really, her eyes were so red, that they made mine water as I viewed her from the
Pump-room; and as for poor Win, who wore a hat trimmed with blue, what betwixt
her wan complexion and her fear, she looked like the ghost of some pale maiden,
who had drowned herself for love. When she came out of the bath, she took
assafoetida drops, and was fluttered all day; so that we could hardly keep her
from going into hysterics: but her mistress says it will do her good; and poor
Win curtsies, with the tears in her eyes. For my part, I content myself with
drinking about half a pint of the water every morning.
    The pumper, with his wife and servant, attend within a bar; and the glasses,
of different sizes, stand ranged in order before them, so you have nothing to do
but to point at that which you choose, and it is filled immediately, hot and
sparkling from the pump. It is the only hot water I could ever drink, without
being sick - Far from having that effect, it is rather agreeable to the taste,
grateful to the stomach, and reviving to the spirits. You cannot imagine what
wonderful cures it performs - My uncle began with it the other day; but he made
wry faces in drinking, and I'm afraid he will leave it off - The first day we
came to Bath, he fell into a violent passion; beat two black-a-moors, and I was
afraid he would have fought with their master; but the stranger proved a
peaceable man. To be sure, the gout had got into his head, as my aunt observed:
but, I believe, his passion drove it away; for he has been remarkably well ever
since. It is a thousand pities he should ever be troubled with that ugly
distemper; for, when he is free from pain, he is the best-tempered man upon
earth; so gentle, so generous, so charitable, that every body loves him; and so
good to me, in particular, that I shall never be able to show the deep sense I
have of his tenderness and affection.
    Hard by the Pump-room, is a coffee-house for the ladies; but my aunt says,
young girls are not admitted, inasmuch as the conversation turns upon politics,
scandal, philosophy, and other subjects above our capacity; but we are allowed
to accompany them to the booksellers shops, which are charming places of resort;
where we read novels, plays, pamphlets, and news-papers, for so small a
subscription as a crown a quarter; and in these offices of intelligence, (as my
brother calls them) all the reports of the day, and all the private transactions
of the Bath, are first entered and discussed. From the bookseller's shop, we
make a tour through the milliners and toy-men; and commonly stop at Mr. Gill's
the pastry-cook, to take a jelly, a tart, or a small basin of vermicelli. There
is, moreover, another place of entertainment on the other side of the water,
opposite to the Grove; to which the company cross over in a boat - It is called
Spring Garden; a sweet retreat, laid out in walks and ponds, and parterres of
flowers; and there is a long-room for breakfasting and dancing. As the situation
is low and damp, and the season has been remarkably wet, my uncle won't suffer
me to go thither, lest I should catch cold: but my aunt says it is all a vulgar
prejudice; and, to be sure, a great many gentlemen and ladies of Ireland
frequent the place, without seeming to be the worse for it. They say, dancing at
Spring Gardens, when the air is moist, is recommended to them as an excellent
cure for the rheumatism. I have been twice at the play; where, notwithstanding
the excellence of the performers, the gaiety of the company, and the decorations
of the theatre, which are very fine, I could not help reflecting, with a sigh,
upon our poor homely representations at Gloucester - But this, in confidence to
my dear Willis - You know my heart, and will excuse its weakness. -
    After all, the great scenes of entertainment at Bath, are the two public
rooms; where the company meet alternately every evening - They are spacious,
lofty, and, when lighted up, appear very striking. They are generally crowded
with well-dressed people, who drink tea in separate parties, play at cards,
walk, or sit and chat together, just as they are disposed. Twice a-week there is
a ball; the expense of which is defrayed by a voluntary subscription among the
gentlemen; and every subscriber has three tickets. I was there Friday last with
my aunt, under the care of my brother, who is a subscriber; and Sir Ulic
Mackilligut recommended his nephew, captain O Donaghan, to me as a partner; but
Jery excused himself, by saying I had got the head-ach; and, indeed, it was
really so, though I can't imagine how he knew it. The place was so hot, and the
smell so different from what we are used to in the country, that I was quite
feverish when we came away. Aunt says it is the effect of a vulgar constitution,
reared among woods and mountains; and, that as I become accustomed to genteel
company, it will wear off. - Sir Ulic was very complaisant, made her a great
many high-flown compliments; and, when we retired, handed her with great
ceremony to her chair. The captain, I believe, would have done me the same
favour; but my brother, seeing him advance, took me under his arm, and wished
him good-night. The Captain is a pretty man, to be sure; tall and strait, and
well made; with light-grey eyes, and a Roman nose; but there is a certain
boldness in his look and manner, that puts one out of countenance - But I am
afraid I have put you out of all patience with this long unconnected scrawl;
which I shall therefore conclude, with assuring you, that neither Bath nor
London, nor all the diversions of life, shall ever be able to efface the idea of
my dear Letty, from the heart of her ever affectionate
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Molly Jones,
    Heaving got a frank, I now return your fever, which I received by Mr.
Higgins, at the Hot Well, together with the stockings, which his wife footed for
me; but now they are of no survice. No body wears such things in this place - O
Molly! you that live in the country have no deception of our doings at Bath.
Here is such dressing, and fidling, and dancing, and gadding, and courting, and
plotting - O gracious! if God had not given me a good stock of discretion, what
a power of things might not I reveal, consarning old mistress and young
mistress; Jews with beards, that were no Jews; but handsome Christians, without
a hair upon their sin, strolling with spectacles, to get speech of Miss Liddy.
But she's a dear sweet soul, as innocent as the child unborn. She has tould me
all her inward thoughts, and disclosed her passion for Mr. Wilson; and that's
not his name neither; and thof he acted among the player-men, he is meat for
their masters; and she has gi'en me her yallow trollopea; which Mrs. Drab, the
manty-maker, says will look very well when it is scowred and smoked with silfur
- You knows as how, yallow fitts my fizzogmony. God he knows what havoc I shall
make among the mail sex, when I make my first appearance in this killing collar,
with a full soot of gaze, as good as new, that I bought last Friday of madam
Friponeau, the French mullaner - Dear girl, I have seen all the fine shows of
Bath; the Prades, the Squires, and the Circlis, the Crashit, the Hottogon, and
Bloody Buildings, and Harry King's row; and I have been twice in the Bath with
mistress, and na'r a smoak upon our backs, hussy - The first time I was mortally
afraid, and flustered all day; and afterwards made believe that I had got the
heddick; but mistress said, if I didn't go, I should take a dose of bumtaffy;
and so remembering how it worked Mrs. Gwyllim a pennorth, I chose rather to go
again with her into the Bath, and then I met with an axident. I dropped my
petticoat, and could not get it up from the bottom - But what did that signify?
they mought laff, but they could see nothing; for I was up to the sin in water.
To be sure, it threw me into such a gumbustion, that I know not what I said, nor
what I did, nor how they got me out, and rapt me in a blanket - Mrs. Tabitha
scoulded a little when we got home; but she knows as I know what's what - Ah
Laud help you! - There is Sir Yury Micligut, of Balnaclinch, in the cunty of
Kalloway - I took down the name from his gentleman, Mr. O Frizzle, and he has
got an estate of fifteen hundred a year - I am sure he is both rich and generous
- But you nose, Molly, I was always famous for keeping secrets; and so he was
very safe in trusting me with his flegm for mistress; which, to be sure, is very
honourable; for Mr. O Frizzle assures me, he values not her portion a brass
varthing - And, indeed, what's poor ten thousand pounds to a Baron Knight of his
fortune? and, truly, I told Mr. O Frizzle, that was all she had to trust to - As
for John Thomas, he's a morass fellor - I vow, I thought he would a fit with Mr.
O Frizzle, because he axed me to dance with him at Spring Garden - But God he
knows I have no thoughts eyther of wan or t'other.
    As for house news, the worst is, Chowder has fallen off greatly from his
stomick - He eats nothing but white meats, and not much of that; and wheezes,
and seems to be much bloated. The doctors think he is threatened with a dropsy -
Parson Marrofat, who has got the same disorder, finds great benefit from the
waters; but Chowder seems to like them no better than the squire; and mistress
says, if his case don't take a favourable turn, she will sartinly carry him to
Aberga'nny, to drink goat's-whey - To be sure, the poor dear honymil is lost for
want of axercise; for which reason, she intends to give him an airing once a-day
upon the Downs, in a postchaise - I have already made very creditable correxions
in this here place; where, to be sure, we have the very squintasense of satiety
- Mrs. Patcher, my lady Kilmacullock's woman, and I are sworn sisters. She has
shown me all her secrets, and learned me to wash gaze, and refrash rusty siks
and bumbeseens, by boiling them with winegar, chamberlye, and stale beer. My
short sack and apron luck as good as new from the shop, and my pumpydoor as
fresh as a rose, by the help of turtle-water - But this is all Greek and Latten
to you, Molly - If we should come to Aberga'ny, you'll be within a day's ride of
us; and then we shall see wan another, please God - If not, remember me in your
prayers, as I shall do by you in mine; and take care of my kitten, and give my
kind service to Sall; and this is all at present, from your beloved friend and
sarvent,
                                                                WINIFRED JENKINS
    Bath, April 26.
 

                To Mrs. Gwyllim, house-keeper at Brambleton-hall

I am astonished, that Dr. Lewis should take upon him to give away Alderney,
without my privity and concurrants - What signifies my brother's order? My
brother is little better than Non-compush. He would give away the shirt off his
back, and the teeth out of his head; nay, as for that matter, he would have
ruinated the family with his ridiculous charities, if it had not been for my
four quarters - What between his willfullness and his waste, his frumps, and his
frenzy, I lead the life of an indented slave. Alderney gave four gallons a-day,
ever since the calf was sent to market. There is so much milk out of my dairy,
and the press must stand still: but I won't loose a cheese paring; and the milk
shall be made good, if the sarvents should go without butter. If they must needs
have butter, let them make it of sheeps milk; but then my wool will suffer for
want of grace; so that I must be a looser on all sides - Well, patience is like
a stout Welsh poney; it bears a great deal, and trots a great way; but it will
tire at the long run. Before its long, perhaps I may show Matt, that I was not
born to be the household drudge to my dying day - Gwyn rites from Crickhowel,
that the price of flannel is fallen three- an ell; and that's another good penny
out of my pocket - When I go to market to sell, my commodity stinks; but when I
want to buy the commonest thing, the owner pricks it up under my nose; and it
can't be had for love nor money - I think everything runs cross at
Brambleton-hall - You say the gander has broke the eggs; which is a phinumenon I
don't understand; for when the fox carried off the old goose last year, he took
her place, and hatched the eggs, and partected the goslings like a tender parent
- Then you tell me the thunder has soured two barrels of beer in the seller. But
how the thunder should get there, when the seller was double-locked, I can't
comprehend. Howsomever, I won't have the beer thrown out, till I see it with my
own eyes. Perhaps, it will recover - At least it will serve for vinegar to the
sarvents. You may leave off the fires in my brother's chamber and mine, as it is
unsartain when we return. - I hope, Gwyllim, you'll take care there is no waste;
and have an eye to the maids, and keep them to their spinning. I think they may
go very well without beer in hot weather - It serves only to inflame the blood,
and set them a-gog after the men. Water will make them fair, and keep them cool
and tamperit. Don't forget to put up in the portmantel, that cums with Williams,
along with my riding-habit, hat, and feather, the viol of purl water, and the
tincktur for my stomach; being as how I am much troubled with flutterencies.
This is all at present , from
Yours,
                                                                 TABITHA BRAMBLE
    Bath, April 26.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Dick,
    I have done with the waters; therefore your advice comes a day too late - I
grant that physick is no mystery of your making. I know it is a mystery in its
own nature; and, like other mysteries, requires a strong gulp of faith to make
it go down - Two days ago, I went into the King's Bath, by the advice of our
friend Ch--, in order to clear the strainer of the skin, for the benefit of a
free perspiration; and the first object that saluted my eye, was a child full of
scrophulous ulcers, carried in the arms of one of the guides, under the very
noses of the bathers. I was so shocked at the sight, that I retired immediately
with indignation and disgust - Suppose the matter of those ulcers, floating on
the water, comes in contact with my skin, when the pores are all open, I would
ask you what must be the consequence? - Good Heaven, the very thought makes my
blood run cold! we know not what sores may be running into the water while we
are bathing, and what sort of matter we may thus imbibe; the king's evil, the
scurvy, the cancer, and the pox; and, no doubt, the heat will render the virus
the more volatile and penetrating. To purify myself from all such contamination,
I went to the duke of Kingston's private Bath, and there I was almost suffocated
for want of free air; the place was so small, and the steam so stifling.
    After all, if the intention is no more than to wash the skin, I am convinced
that simple element is more effectual than any water impregnated with salt and
iron; which, being astringent, will certainly contract the pores, and leave a
kind of crust upon the surface of the body. But I am now as much afraid of
drinking, as of bathing; for, after a long conversation with the Doctor, about
the construction of the pump and the cistern, it is very far from being clear
with me, that the patients in the Pump-room don't swallow the scourings of the
bathers. I can't help suspecting, that there is, or may be, some regurgitation
from the bath into the cistern of the pump. In that case, what a delicate
beveridge is every day quaffed by the drinkers; medicated with the sweat, and
dirt, and dandriff; and the abominable discharges of various kinds, from twenty
different diseased bodies, parboiling in the kettle below. In order to avoid
this filthy composition, I had recourse to the spring that supplies the private
baths on the Abbey-green; but I at once perceived something extraordinary in the
taste and smell; and, upon inquiry, I find that the Roman baths in this quarter,
were found covered by an old burying ground, belonging to the Abbey; thro'
which, in all probability, the water drains in its passage: so that as we drink
the decoction of living bodies at the Pump-room, we swallow the strainings of
rotten bones and carcasses at the private bath - I vow to God, the very idea
turns my stomach! - Determined, as I am, against any farther use of the Bath
waters, this consideration would give me little disturbance, if I could find any
thing more pure, or less pernicious, to quench my thirst; but, although the
natural springs of excellent water are seen gushing spontaneous on every side,
from the hills that surround us, the inhabitants, in general, make use of
well-water, so impregnated with nitre, or alum, or some other villainous
mineral, that it is equally ungrateful to the taste, and mischievous to the
constitution. It must be owned, indeed, that here, in Milsham-street, we have a
precarious and scanty supply from the hill; which is collected in an open basin
in the Circus, liable to be defiled with dead dogs, cats, rats, and every
species of nastiness, which the rascally populace may throw into it, from mere
wantonness and brutality. -
    Well, there is no nation that drinks so hoggishly as the English - What
passes for wine among us, is not the juice of the grape. It is an adulterous
mixture, brewed up of nauseous ingredients, by dunces, who are bunglers in the
art of poison-making; and yet we, and our forefathers, are and have been
poisoned by this cursed drench, without taste or flavour - The only genuine and
wholsome beveridge in England, is London porter, and Dorchester table-beer; but
as for your ale and your gin, your cyder, and your perry, and all the trashy
family of made wines, I detest them as infernal compositions, contrived for the
destruction of the human species. - But what have I to do with the human
species? except a very few friends, I care not if the whole was -.
    Heark ye, Lewis, my misanthropy increases every day - The longer I live, I
find the folly and the fraud of mankind grow more and more intolerable - I wish
I had not come from Brambleton-hall; after having lived in solitude so long, I
cannot bear the hurry and impertinence of the multitude; besides, every thing is
sophisticated in these crowded places. Snares are laid for our lives in every
thing we eat or drink: the very air we breathe, is loaded with contagion. We
cannot even sleep, without risk of infection. I say, infection - This place is
the rendezvous of the diseased - You won't deny, that many diseases are
infectious; even the consumption itself, is highly infectious. When a person
dies of it in Italy, the bed and bedding are destroyed; the other furniture is
exposed to the weather, and the apartment white-washed, before it is occupied by
any other living soul. You'll allow, that nothing receives infection sooner, or
retains it longer, than blankets, feather-beds, and matrasses - 'Sdeath! how do
I know what miserable objects have been stewing in the bed where I now lie! - I
wonder, Dick, you did not put me in mind of sending for my own matrasses - But,
if I had not been an ass, I should not have needed a remembrancer - There is
always some plaguy reflection that rises up in judgment against me, and ruffles
my spirits - Therefore, let us change the subject -
    I have other reasons for abridging my stay at Bath - You know sister Tabby's
complexion - If Mrs. Tabitha Bramble had been of any other race, I should
certainly have looked upon her as the most - But, the truth is, she has found
means to interest my affection; or, rather, she is beholden to the force of
prejudice, commonly called the ties of blood. Well, this amiable maiden has
actually commenced a flirting correspondence with an Irish baronet of
sixty-five. His name is Sir Ulic Mackilligut. He is said to be much out at
elbows; and, I believe, has received false intelligence with respect to her
fortune. Be that as it may, the connexion is exceedingly ridiculous, and begins
already to excite whispers. For my part, I have no intention to dispute her
free-agency; though I shall fall upon some expedient to undeceive her paramour,
as to the point which he has principally in view. But I don't think her conduct
is a proper example for Liddy, who has also attracted the notice of some
coxcombs in the Rooms; and Jery tells me, he suspects a strapping fellow, the
knight's nephew, of some design upon the girl's heart. I shall, therefore, keep
a strict eye over her aunt and her, and even shift the scene, if I find the
matter grow more serious - You perceive what an agreeable task it must be, to a
man of my kidney, to have the cure of such souls as these - But, hold, you shall
not have another peevish word (till the next occasion) from
yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Bath, April 28.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Knight,
    I think those people are unreasonable, who complain that Bath is a
contracted circle, in which the same dull scenes perpetually revolve, without
variation - I am, on the contrary, amazed to find so small a place, so crowded
with entertainment and variety. London itself can hardly exhibit one species of
diversion, to which we have not something analogous at Bath, over and above
those singular advantages that are peculiar to the place. Here, for example, a
man has daily opportunities of seeing the most remarkable characters of the
community. He sees them in their natural attitudes and true colours; descended
from their pedestals, and divested of their formal draperies, undisguised by art
and affectation - Here we have ministers of state, judges, generals, bishops,
projectors, philosophers, wits, poets, players, chemists, fiddlers, and
buffoons. If he makes any considerable stay in the place, he is sure of meeting
with some particular friend, whom he did not expect to see; and to me there is
nothing more agreeable, than such casual rencounters - Another entertainment,
peculiar to Bath, arises from the general mixture of all degrees assembled in
our public rooms, without distinction of rank or fortune. This is what my uncle
reprobates, as a monstrous jumble of heterogeneous principles; a vile mob of
noise and impertinence, without decency or subordination. But this chaos is to
me a source of infinite amusement.
    I was extremely diverted, last ball-night, to see the Master of the
Ceremonies leading, with great solemnity, to the upper end of the room, an
antiquated Abigail, dressed in her lady's cast-clothes; whom he (I suppose)
mistook for some countess just arrived at the Bath. The ball was opened by a
Scotch lord, with a mulatto heiress from St. Christopher's; and the gay colonel
Tinsel danced all the evening with the daughter of an eminent tinman from the
borough of Southwark - Yesterday morning, at the Pump-room, I saw a
broken-winded Wapping landlady squeeze through a circle of peers, to salute her
brandy-merchant, who stood by the window, prop'd upon crutches; and a paralytic
attorney of Shoe-lane, in shuffling up to the bar, kicked the shins of the
chancellor of England, while his lordship, in a cut bob, drank a glass of water
at the pump. I cannot account for my being pleased with these incidents, any
other way than by saying, they are truly ridiculous in their own nature, and
serve to heighten the humour in the farce of life, which I am determined to
enjoy as long as I can. -
    Those follies, that move my uncle's spleen, excite my laughter. He is as
tender as a man without a skin; who cannot bear the slightest touch without
flinching. What tickles another would give him torment; and yet he has what we
may call lucid intervals, when he is remarkably facetious - Indeed, I never knew
a hypochondriac so apt to be infected with good-humour. He is the most risible
misanthrope I ever met with. A lucky joke, or any ludicrous incident, will set
him a-laughing immoderately, even in one of his most gloomy paroxysms; and, when
the laugh is over, he will curse his own imbecillity. In conversing with
strangers, he betrays no marks of disquiet - He is splenetic with his familiars
only; and not even with them, while they keep his attention employed; but when
his spirits are not exerted externally, they seem to recoil and prey upon
himself - He has renounced the waters with execration; but he begins to find a
more efficacious, and, certainly, a much more palatable remedy in the pleasures
of society. He has discovered some old friends, among the invalids of Bath; and,
in particular, renewed his acquaintance with the celebrated James Quin, who
certainly did not come here to drink water. You cannot doubt, but that I had the
strongest curiosity to know this original; and it was gratified by Mr. Bramble,
who has had him twice at our house to dinner.
    So far as I am able to judge, Quin's character is rather more respectable
than it has been generally represented. His bons mots are in every witling's
mouth; but many of them have a rank flavour, which one would be apt to think was
derived from a natural grossness of idea. I suspect, however, that justice has
not been done the author, by the collectors of those Quiniana; who have let the
best of them slip through their fingers, and only retained such as were suited
to the taste and organs of the multitude. How far he may relax in his hours of
jollity, I cannot pretend to say; but his general conversation is conducted by
the nicest rules of propriety; and Mr. James Quin is, certainly, one of the best
bred men in the kingdom. He is not only a most agreeable companion; but (as I am
credibly informed) a very honest man; highly susceptible of friendship, warm,
steady, and even generous in his attachments; disdaining flattery, and incapable
of meanness and dissimulation. Were I to judge, however, from Quin's eye alone,
I should take him to be proud, insolent, and cruel. There is something
remarkably severe and forbidding in his aspect; and, I have been told, he was
ever disposed to insult his inferiors and dependants. - Perhaps that report has
influenced my opinion of his looks - You know we are the fools of prejudice.
Howsoever that may be, I have as yet seen nothing but his favourable side; and
my uncle, who frequently confers with him in a corner, declares he is one of the
most sensible men he ever knew - He seems to have a reciprocal regard for old
Square-toes, whom he calls by the familiar name of Matthew, and often reminds of
their old tavern-adventures: on the other hand, Matthew's eyes sparkle whenever
Quin makes his appearance - Let him be never so jarring and discordant, Quin
puts him in tune; and, like treble and bass in the same concert, they make
excellent musick together - T'other day, the conversation turning upon
Shakespeare, I could not help saying, with some emotion, that I would give an
hundred guineas to see Mr. Quin act the part of Falstaff; upon which, turning to
me with a smile, »And I would give a thousand, young gentleman, (said he) that I
could gratify your longing.« My uncle and he are perfectly agreed in their
estimate of life; which, Quin says, would stink in his nostrils, if he did not
steep it in claret.
    I want to see this phenomenon in his cups; and have almost prevailed upon
uncle to give him a small turtle at the Bear. In the mean time, I must entertain
you with an incident, that seems to confirm the judgment of those two cynic
philosophers. I took the liberty to differ in opinion from Mr. Bramble, when he
observed, that the mixture of people in the entertainments of this place was
destructive of all order and urbanity; that it rendered the plebeians
insufferably arrogant and troublesome, and vulgarized the deportment and
sentiments of those who moved in the upper spheres of life. He said, such a
preposterous coalition would bring us into contempt with all our neighbours; and
was worse, in fact, than debasing the gold coin of the nation. I argued, on the
contrary, that those plebeians who discovered such eagerness to imitate the
dress and equipage of their superiors, would likewise, in time, adopt their
maxims and their manners, be polished by their conversation, and refined by
their example; but when I appealed to Mr. Quin, and asked if he did not think
that such an unreserved mixture would improve the whole mass? - »Yes, (said he)
as a plate of marmalade would improve a pan of sirreverence.«
    I owned I was not much conversant in high-life, but I had seen what were
called polite assemblies in London and elsewhere; that those of Bath seemed to
be as decent as any; and that, upon the whole, the individuals that composed it,
would not be found deficient in good manners and decorum. »But let us have
recourse to experience, (said I) - Jack Holder, who was intended for a parson,
has succeeded to an estate of two thousand a year, by the death of his elder
brother. He is now at the Bath, driving about in a phaeton and four, with French
horns. He has treated with turtle and claret at all the taverns in Bath and
Bristol, till his guests are gorged with good cheer: he has bought a dozen suits
of fine clothes, by the advice of the Master of the Ceremonies, under whose
tuition he has entered himself: he has lost some hundreds at billiards to
sharpers, and taken one of the nymphs of Avon-street into keeping; but, finding
all these channels insufficient to drain him of his current cash, his counsellor
has engaged him to give a general tea-drinking to-morrow at Wiltshire's room. In
order to give it the more eclat, every table is to be furnished with sweet-meats
and nose-gays; which, however, are not to be touched till notice is given by the
ringing of a bell, and then the ladies may help themselves without restriction.
This will be no bad way of trying the company's breeding -«
    »I will abide by that experiment, (cried my uncle) and if I could find a
place to stand secure, without the vortex of the tumult, which I know will
ensue, I would certainly go thither and enjoy the scene.« Quin proposed that we
should take our station in the musick-gallery; and we took his advice. Holder
had got thither before us, with his horns perdue; but we were admitted. The
tea-drinking passed as usual; and the company having risen from the tables, were
sauntring in groupes, in expectation of the signal for attack, when the bell
beginning to ring, they flew with eagerness to the desert, and the whole place
was instantly in commotion. There was nothing but justling, scrambling, pulling,
snatching, struggling, scolding, and screaming. The nosegays were torn from one
another's hands and bosoms; the glasses and china went to wreck; the tables and
floor were strewed with comfits. Some cried; some swore; and the tropes and
figures of Billingsgate were used without reserve in all their native zest and
flavour; nor were those flowers of rhetoric unattended with significant
gesticulation. Some snapped their fingers; some forked them out; some clapped
their hands, and some their back-sides; at length, they fairly proceeded to
pulling caps, and everything seemed to presage a general battle; when Holder
ordered his horns to sound a charge, with a view to animate the combatants, and
inflame the contest; but this manoeuvre produced an effect quite contrary to
what he expected. It was a note of reproach that roused them to an immediate
sense of their disgraceful situation. They were ashamed of their absurd
deportment, and suddenly desisted. They gathered up their caps, ruffles, and
handkerchiefs; and great part of them retired in silent mortification.
    Quin laughed at this adventure; but my uncle's delicacy was hurt. He hung
his head in manifest chagrin, and seemed to repine at the triumph of his
judgment - Indeed, his victory was more complete than he imagined; for, as we
afterwards learned, the two amazons who singularized themselves most in the
action, did not come from the purlieus of Puddle-dock, but from the courtly
neighbourhood of St. James's palace. One was a baroness, and the other, a
wealthy knight's dowager - My uncle spoke not a word, till we had made our
retreat good to the coffee-house; where, taking off his hat and wiping his
forehead, »I bless God (said he) that Mrs. Tabitha Bramble did not take the
field to-day!« »I would pit her for a cool hundred (cried Quin) against the best
shake-bag of the whole main.« The truth is, nothing could have kept her at home
but the accident of her having taken physick before she knew the nature of the
entertainment. She has been for some days furbishing up an old suit of black
velvet, to make her appearance as Sir Ulic's partner at the next ball.
    I have much to say of this amiable kinswoman; but she has not been properly
introduced to your acquaintance. She is remarkably civil to Mr. Quin; of whose
sarcastic humour she seems to stand in awe; but her caution is no match for her
impertinence. »Mr. Gwynn, (said she the other day) I was once vastly entertained
with your playing the Ghost of Gimlet at Drury-lane, when you rose up through
the stage, with a white face and red eyes, and spoke of quails upon the
frightful porcofine - Do, pray, spout a little the Ghost of Gimlet.« »Madam,
(said Quin, with a glance of ineffable disdain) the Ghost of Gimlet is laid,
never to rise again -« Insensible of this check, she proceeded: »Well, to be
sure, you looked and talked so like a real ghost; and then the cock crowed so
natural. I wonder how you could teach him to crow so exact, in the very nick of
time; but, I suppose, he's game - An't he game, Mr. Gwynn?« »Dunghill, Madam.«
»Well, dung-hill, or not dunghill, he has got such a clear counter-tenor, that I
wish I had such another at Brambleton-hall, to wake the maids of a morning. Do
you know where I could find one of his brood?« »Probably in the work-house of
St. Giles's parish, madam; but I protest I know not his particular mew.« My
uncle, frying with vexation, cried, »Good God, sister, how you talk! I have told
you twenty times, that this gentleman's name is not Gwynn. -« »Hoity toity,
brother mine, (she replied) no offence, I hope - Gwynn is an honourable name, of
true old British extraction - I thought the gentleman had been come of Mrs.
Helen Gwynn, who was of his own profession; and if so be that were the case, he
might be of king Charles's breed, and have royal blood in his veins -« »No,
madam, (answered Quin, with great solemnity) my mother was not a whore of such
distinction - True it is, I am sometimes tempted to believe myself of royal
descent; for my inclinations are often arbitrary - If I was an absolute prince,
at this instant, I believe I should send for the head of your cook in a charger
- She has committed felony, on the person of that John Dory; which is mangled in
a cruel manner, and even presented without sauce - O tempora! O mores!«
    This good-humoured sally turned the conversation into a less disagreeable
channel - But, lest you should think my scribble as tedious as Mrs. Tabby's
clack, I shall not add another word, but that I am as usual
Yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Bath, April 30.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Lewis,
    I received your bill upon Wiltshire, which was punctually honoured; but as I
don't choose to keep so much cash by me, in a common lodging-house, I have
deposited 250l. in the bank of Bath, and shall take their bills for it in
London, when I leave this place, where the season draws to an end - You must
know, that now being a-foot, I am resolved to give Liddy a glimpse of London.
She is one of the best hearted creatures I ever knew, and gains upon my
affection every day - As for Tabby, I have dropped such hints to the Irish
baronet, concerning her fortune, as, I make no doubt, will cool the ardour of
his addresses. Then her pride will take the alarm; and the rancour of stale
maidenhood being chafed, we shall hear nothing but slander and abuse of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut - This rupture, I foresee, will facilitate our departure from Bath;
where, at present, Tabby seems to enjoy herself with peculiar satisfaction. For
my part, I detest it so much, that I should not have been able to stay so long
in the place if I had not discovered some old friends; whose conversation
alleviates my disgust - Going to the coffee-house one forenoon, I could not help
contemplating the company, with equal surprise and compassion - We consisted of
thirteen individuals; seven lamed by the gout, rheumatism, or palsy; three
maimed by accident; and the rest either deaf or blind. One hobbled, another
hopped, a third dragged his legs after him like a wounded snake, a fourth
straddled betwixt a pair of long crutches, like the mummy of a felon hanging in
chains; a fifth was bent into a horizontal position, like a mounted telescope,
shoved in by a couple of chairmen; and a sixth was the bust of a man, set
upright in a wheel machine, which the waiter moved from place to place.
    Being struck with some of their faces, I consulted the subscription-book;
and, perceiving the names of several old friends, began to consider the group
with more attention. At length I discovered rear-admiral Balderick, the
companion of my youth, whom I had not seen since he was appointed lieutenant of
the Severn. He was metamorphosed into an old man, with a wooden leg and a
weatherbeaten face; which appeared the more ancient from his grey locks, that
were truly venerable - Sitting down at the table, where he was reading a
news-paper, I gazed at him for some minutes, with a mixture of pleasure and
regret, which made my heart gush with tenderness; then, taking him by the hand,
»Ah, Sam, (said I) forty years ago I little thought -« I was too much moved to
proceed. »An old friend, sure enough! (cried he, squeezing my hand, and
surveying me eagerly thro' his glasses) I know the looming of the vessel, though
she has been hard strained since we parted; but I can't heave up the name -« The
moment I told him who I was, he exclaimed, »Ha! Matt, my old fellow cruizer,
still afloat!« And, starting up, hugged me in his arms. His transport, however,
boded me no good; for, in saluting me, he thrust the spring of his spectacles
into my eye, and, at the same time, set his wooden stump upon my gouty toe; an
attack that made me shed tears in sad earnest - After the hurry of our
recognition was over, he pointed out two of our common friends in the room: the
bust was what remained of colonel Cockril, who had lost the use of his limbs in
making an American campaign; and the telescope proved to be my college chum, sir
Reginald Bently; who, with his new title, and unexpected inheritance, commenced
fox-hunter, without having served his apprenticeship to the mystery; and, in
consequence of following the hounds through a river, was seized with an
inflammation in his bowels, which has contracted him into his present attitude.
    Our former correspondence was forthwith renewed, with the most hearty
expressions of mutual good-will; and as we had met so unexpectedly, we agreed to
dine together that very day at the tavern. My friend Quin, being luckily
unengaged, obliged us with his company; and, truly, this was the most happy day
I have passed these twenty years. You and I, Lewis, having been always together,
never tasted friendship in this high goût, contracted from long absence. I
cannot express the half of what I felt at this casual meeting of three or four
companions, who had been so long separated, and so roughly treated by the storms
of life. It was a renovation of youth; a kind of resuscitation of the dead, that
realized those interesting dreams, in which we sometimes retrieve our ancient
friends from the grave. Perhaps my enjoyment was not the less pleasing for being
mixed with a strain of melancholy, produced by the remembrance of past scenes,
that conjured up the ideas of some endearing connexions, which the hand of Death
has actually dissolved.
    The spirits and good-humour of the company seemed to triumph over the wreck
of their constitutions. They had even philosophy enough to joke upon their own
calamities; such is the power of friendship, the sovereign cordial of life - I
afterwards found, however, that they were not without their moments, and even
hours of disquiet. Each of them apart, in succeeding conferences, expatiated
upon his own particular grievances; and they were all malcontents at bottom -
Over and above their personal disasters, they thought themselves unfortunate in
the lottery of life. Baldrick complained, that all the recompense he had
received for his long and hard service, was the half-pay of a rear-admiral. The
colonel was mortified to see himself over-topped by upstart generals, some of
whom he had once commanded; and, being a man of a liberal turn, could ill put up
with a moderate annuity, for which he had sold his commission. As for the
baronet, having run himself considerably in debt, on a contested election, he
has been obliged to relinquish his seat in parliament, and his seat in the
country at the same time, and put his estate to nurse; but his chagrin, which is
the effect of his own misconduct, does not affect me half so much as that of the
other two; who have acted honourable and distinguished parts on the great
theatre, and are now reduced to lead a weary life in this stewpan of idleness
and insignificance. They have long left off using the waters, after having
experienced their inefficacy. The diversions of the place they are not in a
condition to enjoy. How then do they make shift to pass their time? In the
forenoon, they crawl out to the Rooms or the coffee-house, where they take a
hand at whist, or descant upon the General Advertiser; and their evenings they
murder in private parties, among peevish invalids, and insipid old women - This
is the case with a good number of individuals, whom nature seems to have
intended for better purposes.
    About a dozen years ago, many decent families, restricted to small fortunes,
besides those that came hither on the score of health, were tempted to settle at
Bath, where they could then live comfortably, and even make a genteel
appearance, at a small expense: but the madness of the times has made the place
too hot for them, and they are now obliged to think of other migrations - Some
have already fled to the mountains of Wales, and others have retired to Exeter.
Thither, no doubt, they will be followed by the flood of luxury and
extravagance, which will drive them from place to place to the very Land's End;
and there, I suppose, they will be obliged to ship themselves to some other
country. Bath is become a mere sink of profligacy and extortion. Every article
of housekeeping is raised to an enormous price; a circumstance no longer to be
wondered at, when we know that every petty retainer of fortune piques himself
upon keeping a table, and thinks 'tis for the honour of his character to wink at
the knavery of his servants, who are in a confederacy with the market-people;
and, of consequence, pay whatever they demand. Here is now a mushroom of
opulence, who pays a cook seventy guineas a week for furnishing him with one
meal a day. This portentous frenzy is become so contagious, that the very rabble
and refuse of mankind are infected. I have known a negro-driver, from Jamaica,
pay over-night to the master of one of the rooms, sixty-five guineas for tea and
coffee to the company, and leave Bath next morning, in such obscurity, that not
one of his guests had the slightest idea of his person, or even made the least
inquiry about his name. Incidents of this kind are frequent; and every day teems
with fresh absurdities, which are too gross to make a thinking man merry. - But
I feel the spleen creeping on me apace; and therefore will indulge you with a
cessation, that you may have no unnecessary cause to curse your correspondence
with,
Dear Dick,
yours ever,
                                                                    MAT. BRAMBLE
    Bath, May 5.
 

                     To Miss Lætitia Willis, at Gloucester

My Dear Letty,
    I wrote you at great length by the post, the twenty-sixth of last month, to
which I refer you for an account of our proceedings at Bath; and I expect your
answer with impatience. But, having this opportunity of a private hand, I send
you two dozen of Bath rings; six of the best of which I desire you will keep for
yourself, and distribute the rest among the young ladies, our common friends, as
you shall think proper - I don't know how you will approve of the mottoes; some
of them are not much to my own liking; but I was obliged to take such as I could
find ready manufactured - I am vexed, that neither you nor I have received any
further information of a certain person - Sure it can't be wilful neglect! - O
my dear Willis! I begin to be visited by strange fancies, and to have some
melancholy doubts; which, however, it would be ungenerous to harbour without
further inquiry - My uncle, who has made me a present of a very fine set of
garnets, talks of treating us with a jaunt to London; which, you may imagine,
will be highly agreeable: but I like Bath so well, that I hope he won't think of
leaving it till the season is quite over; and yet, betwixt friends, something
has happened to my aunt, which will probably shorten our stay in this place.
    Yesterday, in the forenoon, she went by herself to a breakfasting in one of
the rooms; and, in half an hour, returned in great agitation, having Chowder
along with her in the chair. I believe some accident must have happened to that
unlucky animal, which is the great source of all her troubles. Dear Letty! what
a pity it is, that a woman of her years and discretion, should place her
affection upon such an ugly, ill-conditioned cur, that snarls and snaps at every
body. I asked John Thomas, the foot-man who attended her, what was the matter?
and he did nothing but grin. A famous dog-doctor was sent for, and undertook to
cure the patient, provided he might carry him home to his own house; but his
mistress would not part with him out of her own sight - She ordered the cook to
warm cloths, which she applied to his bowels, with her own hand. She gave up all
thoughts of going to the ball in the evening; and when Sir Ulic came to drink
tea, refused to be seen; so that he went away to look for another partner. My
brother Jery whistles and dances. My uncle sometimes shrugs up his shoulders,
and sometimes bursts out a-laughing. My aunt sobs and scolds by turns; and her
woman, Win Jenkins, stares and wonders with a foolish face of curiosity; and,
for my part, I am as curious as she, but ashamed to ask questions.
    Perhaps time will discover the mystery; for if it was any thing that
happened in the Rooms, it can't be long concealed - All I know is, that last
night at supper, miss Bramble spoke very disdainfully of Sir Ulic Mackilligut,
and asked her brother if he intended to keep us sweltering all the summer at
Bath? »No, sister Tabitha, (said he, with an arch smile) we shall retreat before
the Dog-days begin; though I make no doubt, that with a little temperance and
discretion, our constitutions might be kept cool enough all the year, even at
Bath.« As I don't know the meaning of this insinuation, I won't pretend to make
any remarks upon it at present: hereafter, perhaps, I may be able to explain it
more to your satisfaction - In the mean time, I beg you will be punctual in your
correspondence, and continue to love your ever faithful
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Bath, May 6.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

So then Mrs. Blackerby's affair has proved a false alarm, and I have saved my
money? I wish, however, her declaration had not been so premature; for though my
being thought capable of making her a mother, might have given me some credit,
the reputation of an intrigue with such a cracked pitcher does me no honour at
all - In my last I told you I had hopes of seeing Quin, in his hours of
elevation at the tavern which is the temple of mirth and good-fellowship; where
he, as priest of Comus, utters the inspirations of wit and humour - I have had
that satisfaction. I have dined with his club at the Three Tuns, and had the
honour to sit him out. At half an hour past eight in the evening, he was carried
home with six good bottles of claret under his belt; and it being then Friday,
he gave orders, that he should not be disturbed till Sunday at noon - You must
not imagine that this dose had any other effect upon his conversation, but that
of making it more extravagantly entertaining - He had lost the use of his limbs,
indeed, several hours before we parted, but he retained all his other faculties
in perfection; and as he gave vent to every whimsical idea as it rose, I was
really astonished at the brilliancy of his thoughts, and the force of his
expression. Quin is a real voluptuary in the articles of eating and drinking;
and so confirmed an epicure, in the common acceptation of the term, that he
cannot put up with ordinary fare. This is a point of such importance with him,
that he always takes upon himself the charge of catering; and a man admitted to
his mess, is always sure of eating delicate victuals, and drinking excellent
wine - He owns himself addicted to the delights of the stomach, and often jokes
upon his own sensuality; but there is nothing selfish in this appetite - He
finds that good cheer unites good company; exhilerates the spirits, opens the
heart, banishes all restraint from conversation, and promotes the happiest
purposes of social life. - But Mr. James Quin is not a subject to be discussed
in the compass of one letter; I shall therefore, at present, leave him to his
repose, and call another of a very different complexion.
    You desire to have further acquaintance with the person of our aunt, and
promise yourself much entertainment from her connexion with Sir Ulic
Mackilligut: but in this hope you are baulked already; that connexion is
dissolved. The Irish baronet is an old hound, that, finding her carrion, has
quitted the scent - I have already told you, that Mrs. Tabitha Bramble is a
maiden of forty-five. In her person, she is tall, raw-boned, awkward,
flat-chested, and stooping; her complexion is sallow and freckled; her eyes are
not grey, but greenish, like those of a cat, and generally inflamed; her hair is
of a sandy, or rather dusty hue; her forehead low; her nose long, sharp, and,
towards the extremity, always red in cool weather; her lips skinny, her mouth
extensive, her teeth straggling and loose, of various colours and conformation;
and her long neck shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles - In her temper, she is
proud, stiff, vain, imperious, prying, malicious, greedy, and uncharitable. In
all likelihood, her natural austerity has been soured by disappointment in love;
for her long celibacy is by no means owing to her dislike of matrimony: on the
contrary, she has left no stone unturned to avoid the reproachful epithet of old
maid.
    Before I was born, she had gone such lengths in the way of flirting with a
recruiting officer, that her reputation was a little singed. She afterwards made
advances to the curate of the parish, who dropped some distant hints about the
next presentation to the living, which was in her brother's gift; but finding
that was already promised to another, he flew off at a tangent; and Mrs. Tabby,
in revenge, found means to deprive him of his cure. Her next lover was
lieutenant of a man of war, a relation of the family, who did not understand the
refinements of the passion, and expressed no aversion to grapple with cousin
Tabby in the way of marriage; but before matters could be properly adjusted, he
went out on a cruise, and was killed in an engagement with a French frigate. Our
aunt, though baffled so often, did not yet despair - She layed all her snares
for Dr. Lewis, who is the fidus Achates of my uncle. She even fell sick upon the
occasion, and prevailed with Matt to interpose in her behalf with his friend;
but the Doctor, being a shy cock, would not be caught with chaff, and flatly
rejected the proposal: so that Mrs. Tabitha was content to exert her patience
once more, after having endeavoured in vain to effect a rupture betwixt the two
friends; and now she thinks proper to be very civil to Lewis, who is become
necessary to her in the way of his profession.
    These, however, are not the only efforts she has made towards a nearer
conjunction with our sex. Her fortune was originally no more than a thousand
pounds; but she gained an accession of five hundred by the death of a sister,
and the lieutenant left her three hundred in his will. These sums she has more
than doubled, by living free of all expense, in her brother's house; and dealing
in cheese and Welsh flannel, the produce of his flocks and dairy. At present her
capital is increased to about four thousand pounds; and her avarice seems to
grow every day more and more rapacious: but even this is not so intolerable, as
the perverseness of her nature, which keeps the whole family in disquiet and
uproar. She is one of those geniuses who find some diabolical enjoyment in being
dreaded and detested by their fellow-creatures.
    I once told my uncle, I was surprised that a man of his disposition could
bear such a domestic plague, when it could be so easily removed - The remark
made him sore, because it seemed to tax him with want of resolution - Wrinkling
up his nose, and drawing down his eyebrows, »A young fellow, (said he) when he
first thrusts his snout into the world, is apt to be surprised at many things,
which a man of experience knows to be ordinary and unavoidable - This precious
aunt of yours is become insensibly a part of my constitution - Damn her! She's a
noli me tangere in my flesh, which I cannot bear to be touched or tampered
with.« I made no reply; but shifted the conversation. He really has an affection
for this original; which maintains its ground in defiance of common sense, and
in despite of that contempt which he must certainly feel for her character and
understanding. Nay, I am convinced, that she has likewise a most virulent
attachment to his person; though her love never shows itself but in the shape of
discontent; and she persists in tormenting him out of sheer tenderness - The
only object within doors upon which she bestows any marks of affection, in the
usual stile, is her dog Chowder; a filthy cur from Newfoundland, which she had
in a present from the wife of a skipper in Swansey - One would imagine she had
distinguished this beast with her favour on account of his ugliness and
ill-nature; if it was not, indeed, an instinctive sympathy between his
disposition and her own. Certain it is, she caresses him without ceasing; and
even harrasses the family in the service of this cursed animal, which, indeed,
has proved the proximate cause of her breach with Sir Ulic Mackilligut.
    You must know, she yesterday wanted to steal a march of poor Liddy, and went
to breakfast in the Room without any other companion than her dog, in
expectation of meeting with the Baronet, who had agreed to dance with her in the
evening - Chowder no sooner made his appearance in the Room, than the Master of
the Ceremonies, incensed at his presumption, ran up to drive him away, and
threatened him with his foot; but the other seemed to despise his authority, and
displaying a formidable case of long, white, sharp teeth, kept the puny monarch
at bay - While he stood under some trepidation, fronting his antagonist, and
bawling to the waiter, Sir Ulic Mackilligut came to his assistance; and seeming
ignorant of the connexion between this intruder and his mistress, gave the
former such a kick in the jaws, as sent him howling to the door - Mrs. Tabitha,
incensed at this outrage, ran after him, squalling in a tone equally
disagreeable; while the Baronet followed her on one side, making apologies for
his mistake; and Derrick on the other, making remonstrances upon the rules and
regulations of the place.
    Far from being satisfied with the Knight's excuses, she said she was sure he
was no gentleman; and when the Master of the Ceremonies offered to hand her into
the chair, she rapped him over the knuckles with her fan. My uncle's footman
being still at the door, she and Chowder got into the same vehicle, and were
carried off amidst the jokes of the chairmen and other populace - I had been
riding out on Clerkendown, and happened to enter just as the fracas was over -
The Baronet, coming up to me with an affected air of chagrin, recounted the
adventure; at which I laughed heartily, and then his countenance cleared up. »My
dear soul, (said he) when I saw a sort of wild baist, snarling with open mouth
at the Master of the Ceremonies, like the red cow going to devour Tom Thumb, I
could do no less than go to the assistance of the little man; but I never dreamt
the baist was one of Mrs. Bramble's attendants - O! if I had, he might have made
his breakfast upon Derrick and wellcome - But, you know, my dear friend, how
natural it is for us Irishmen to blunder, and to take the wrong sow by the ear -
However, I will confess judgment, and cry her mercy; and, 'tis to be hoped, a
penitent sinner may be forgiven.« I told him, that as the offence was not
involuntary of his side, it was to be hoped he would not find her implacable.
    But, in truth, all this concern was dissembled. In his approaches of
gallantry to Mrs. Tabitha, he had been misled by a mistake of at least six
thousand pounds, in the calculation of her fortune; and in this particular he
was just undeceived. He, therefore, seized the first opportunity of incurring
her displeasure decently, in such a manner as would certainly annihilate the
correspondence; and he could not have taken a more effectual method, than that
of beating her dog. When he presented himself at our door, to pay his respects
to the offended fair, he was refused admittance; and given to understand, that
he should never find her at home for the future. She was not so inaccessible to
Derrick, who came to demand satisfaction for the insult she had offered to him,
even in the verge of his own court. She knew it was convenient to be well with
the Master of the Ceremonies, while she continued to frequent the Rooms; and,
having heard he was a poet, began to be afraid of making her appearance in a
ballad or lampoon. - She therefore made excuses for what she had done, imputing
it to the flutter of her spirits; and subscribed handsomely for his poems: so
that he was perfectly appeased, and overwhelmed her with a profusion of
compliment. He even solicited a reconciliation with Chowder; which, however, the
latter declined; and he declared, that if he could find a precedent in the
annals of the Bath, which he would carefully examine for that purpose, her
favourite should be admitted to the next public breakfasting - But, I believe,
she will not expose herself or him to the risk of a second disgrace - Who will
supply the place of Mackilligut in her affections, I cannot foresee; but nothing
in the shape of man can come amiss. Though she is a violent church-woman, of the
most intolerant zeal, I believe in my conscience she would have no objection, at
present, to treat on the score of matrimony with an Anabaptist, Quaker, or Jew;
and even ratify the treaty, at the expense of her own conversion. But, perhaps,
I think too hardly of this kinswoman; who, I must own, is very little beholden
to the good opinion of
Yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Bath, May 6.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

You ask me, why I don't take the air a-horseback, during this fine weather? - In
which of the avenues of this paradise would you have me take that exercise?
Shall I commit myself to the highroads of London or Bristol, to be stifled with
dust, or pressed to death in the midst of post-chaises, flying-machines,
wagons, and coal-horses; besides the troops of fine gentlemen that take to the
high-way, to show their horsemanship; and the coaches of fine ladies, who go
thither to show their equipages? Shall I attempt the Downs, and fatigue myself
to death in climbing up an eternal ascent, without any hopes of reaching the
summit? Know then, I have made divers desperate leaps at those upper regions;
but always fell backward into this vapour-pit, exhausted and dispirited by those
ineffectual efforts; and here we poor valetudinarians pant and struggle, like so
many Chinese gudgeons, gasping in the bottom of a punch-bowl. By Heaven, it is a
kind of inchantment! If I do not speedily break the spell, and escape, I may
chance to give up the ghost in this nauseous stew of corruption - It was but two
nights ago, that I had like to have made my public exit, at a minute's warning.
One of my greatest weaknesses is that of suffering myself to be over-ruled by
the opinion of people, whose judgment I despise - I own, with shame and
confusion of face, that importunity of any kind I cannot resist. This want of
courage and constancy is an original flaw in my nature, which you must have
often observed with compassion, if not with contempt. I am afraid some of our
boasted virtues may be traced up to this defect. -
    Without further preamble, I was persuaded to go to a ball, on purpose to see
Liddy dance a minuet with a young petulant jackanapes, the only son of a wealthy
undertaker from London, whose mother lodges in our neighbourhood, and has
contracted an acquaintance with Tabby. I sat a couple of long hours, half
stifled, in the midst of a noisome crowd; and could not help wondering, that so
many hundreds of those that rank as rational creatures, could find entertainment
in seeing a succession of insipid animals, describing the same dull figure for a
whole evening, on an area, not much bigger than a tailor's shop-board. If there
had been any beauty, grace, activity, magnificent dress, or variety of any kind,
howsoever absurd, to engage the attention, and amuse the fancy, I should not
have been surprised; but there was no such object: it was a tiresome repetition
of the same languid, frivolous scene, performed by actors that seemed to sleep
in all their motions - The continual swimming of those phantoms before my eves,
gave me a swimming of the head; which was also affected by the fouled air,
circulating through such a number of rotten human bellows - I therefore
retreated towards the door, and stood in the passage to the next room, talking
to my friend Quin; when an end being put to the minuets, the benches were
removed to make way for the country-dances; and the multitude rising at once,
the whole atmosphere was put in commotion. Then, all of a sudden, came rushing
upon me an Egyptian gale, so impregnated with pestilential vapours, that my
nerves were overpowered, and I dropped senseless upon the floor.
    You may easily conceive what a clamour and confusion this accident must have
produced, in such an assembly - I soon recovered, however, and found myself in
an easy chair, supported by my own people - Sister Tabby, in her great
tenderness, had put me to the torture, squeezing my head under her arm, and
stuffing my nose with spirit of hartshorn, till the whole inside was excoriated.
I no sooner got home, than I sent for doctor Ch--, who assured me, I needed not
be alarmed, for my swooning was entirely occasioned by an accidental impression
of fetid effluvia upon nerves of uncommon sensibility. I know not how other
people's nerves are constructed; but one would imagine they must be made of very
coarse materials, to stand the shock of such a horrid assault. It was, indeed, a
compound of villainous smells, in which the most violent stinks, and the most
powerful perfumes, contended for the mastery. Imagine to yourself a high exalted
essence of mingled odours, arising from putrid gums, imposthumated lungs, sour
flatulencies, rank arm-pits, sweating feet, running sores and issues, plasters,
ointments, and embrocations, hungary-water, spirit of lavender, assafoetida
drops, musk, hartshorn, and sal volatile; besides a thousand frowzy steams,
which I could not analyse. Such, O Dick! is the fragrant æther we breathe in the
polite assemblies of Bath - Such is the atmosphere I have exchanged for the
pure, elastic, animating air of the Welsh mountains - O Rus, quando te aspiciam!
- I wonder what the devil possessed me -
    But few words are best: I have taken my resolution - You may well suppose I
don't intend to entertain the company with a second exhibition - I have
promised, in an evil hour, to proceed to London, and that promise shall be
performed; but my stay in the metropolis shall be brief. I have, for the benefit
of my health, projected an expedition to the North, which, I hope, will afford
some agreeable pastime. I have never travelled farther that way than
Scarborough; and, I think, it is a reproach upon me, as a British freeholder, to
have lived so long without making an excursion to the other side of the Tweed.
Besides, I have some relations settled in Yorkshire, to whom it may not be
improper to introduce my nephew and his sister - At present, I have nothing to
add, but that Tabby is happily disentangled from the Irish Baronet; and that I
will not fail to make you acquainted, from time to time, with the sequel of our
adventures: a mark of consideration, which, perhaps, you would willingly
dispense with in
Your humble servant,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Bath, May 8.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    A few days ago we were terribly alarmed by my uncle's fainting at the ball -
He has been ever since cursing his own folly, for going thither at the request
of an impertinent woman. He declares, he will sooner visit a house infected with
the plague, than trust himself in such a nauseous spital for the future, for he
swears the accident was occasioned by the stench of the crowd; and that he would
never desire a stronger proof of our being made of very gross materials, than
our having withstood the annoyance, by which he was so much discomposed. For my
part, I am very thankful for the coarseness of my organs, being in no danger of
ever falling a sacrifice to the delicacy of my nose. Mr. Bramble is
extravagantly delicate in all his sensations, both of soul and body. I was
informed by Dr. Lewis, that he once fought a duel with an officer of the
horse-guards, for turning a-side to the Park wall, on a necessary occasion, when
he was passing with a lady under his protection. His blood rises at every
instance of insolence and cruelty, even where he himself is no way concerned;
and ingratitude makes his teeth chatter. On the other hand, the recital of a
generous, humane, or grateful action, never fails to draw from him tears of
approbation, which he is often greatly distressed to conceal.
    Yesterday, one Paunceford gave tea, on particular invitation - This man,
after having been long buffetted by adversity, went abroad; and Fortune,
resolved to make him amends for her former coyness, set him all at once up to
the very ears in affluence. He has now emerged from obscurity, and blazes out in
all the tinsel of the times. I don't find that he is charged with any practices
that the law deems dishonest, or that his wealth has made him arrogant and
inaccessible; on the contrary, he takes great pains to appear affable and
gracious. But they say, he is remarkable for shrinking from his former
friendships, which were generally too plain and home-spun to appear amidst his
present brilliant connexions; and that he seems uneasy at sight of some old
benefactors, whom a man of honour would take pleasure to acknowledge - Be that
as it may, he had so effectually engaged the company at Bath, that when I went
with my uncle to the coffee-house in the evening, there was not a soul in the
room but one person, seemingly in years, who sat by the fire, reading one of the
papers. Mr. Bramble, taking his station close by him, »There is such a crowd and
confusion of chairs in the passage to Simpson's, (said he) that we could hardly
get along - I wish those minions of fortune would fall upon more laudable ways
of spending their money. - I suppose, sir, you like this kind of entertainment
as little as I do?« »I can't say, I have any great relish for such
entertainments,« answered the other, without taking his eyes off the paper -
»Mr. Serle, (resumed my uncle) I beg pardon for interrupting you; but I can't
resist the curiosity I have to know if you received a card on this occasion?«
    The man seemed surprised at this address, and made some pause, as doubtful
what answer he should make. »I know my curiosity is impertinent, (added my
uncle) but I have a particular reason for asking the favour.« »If that be the
case, (replied Mr. Serle) I shall gratify you without hesitation, by owning,
that I have had no card. But, give me leave, sir, to ask in my turn, what reason
you think I have to expect such an invitation from the gentleman who gives tea?«
»I have my own reasons; (cried Mr. Bramble, with some emotion) and am convinced,
more than ever, that this Paunceford is a contemptible fellow.« »Sir, (said the
other, laying down the paper) I have not the honour to know you; but your
discourse is a little mysterious, and seems to require some explanation. The
person you are pleased to treat so cavalierly, is a gentleman of some
consequence in the community; and, for aught you know, I may also have my
particular reasons for defending his character -« »If I was not convinced of the
contrary, (observed the other) I should not have gone so far -« »Let me tell
you, sir, (said the stranger, raising his voice) you have gone too far, in
hazarding such reflections -«
    Here he was interrupted by my uncle; who asked peevishly, if he was Don
Quixote enough, at this time of day, to throw down his gauntlet as champion for
a man who had treated him with such ungrateful neglect. »For my part (added he)
I shall never quarrel with you again upon this subject; and what I have said
now, has been suggested as much by my regard for you, as by my contempt of him
-« Mr. Serle, then pulling off his spectacles, eyed uncle very earnestly,
saying, in a mitigated tone, »Surely I am much obliged - Ah, Mr. Bramble! I now
recollect your features, though I have not seen you these many years.« »We might
have been less strangers to one another, (answered the 'squire) if our
correspondence had not been interrupted, in consequence of a misunderstanding,
occasioned by this very --, but no matter - Mr. Serle, I esteem your character;
and my friendship, such as it is, you may freely command.« »The offer is too
agreeable to be declined; (said he) I embrace it very cordially; and, as the
first fruits of it, request that you will change this subject, which, with me,
is a matter of peculiar delicacy.«
    My uncle owned he was in the right, and the discourse took a more general
turn. Mr. Serle passed the evening with us at our lodgings; and appeared to be
intelligent, and even entertaining; but his disposition was rather of a
melancholy hue. My uncle says he is a man of uncommon parts, and unquestioned
probity: that his fortune, which was originally small, has been greatly hurt by
a romantic spirit of generosity, which he has often displayed, even at the
expense of his discretion, in favour of worthless individuals - That he had
rescued Paunceford from the lowest distress, when he was bankrupt, both in means
and reputation - That he had espoused his interests with a degree of enthusiasm,
broke with several friends, and even drawn his sword against my uncle, who had
particular reasons for questioning the moral character of the said Paunceford:
that, without Serle's countenance and assistance, the other never could have
embraced the opportunity, which has raised him to this pinnacle of wealth: that
Paunceford, in the first transports of his success, had written, from abroad,
letters to different correspondents, owning his obligations to Mr. Serle, in the
warmest terms of acknowledgement, and declaring he considered himself only as a
factor for the occasions of his best friend: that, without doubt, he had made
declarations of the same nature to his benefactor himself, though this last was
always silent and reserved on the subject; but for some years, those tropes and
figures of rhetoric had been disused: that, upon his return to England, he had
been lavish in his caresses to Mr. Serle, invited him to his house, and pressed
him to make it his own: that he had overwhelmed him with general professions,
and affected to express the warmest regard for him, in company of their common
acquaintance; so that every body believed his gratitude was as liberal as his
fortune; and some went so far as to congratulate Mr. Serle on both.
    All this time Paunceford carefully and artfully avoided particular
discussions with his old patron, who had too much spirit to drop the most
distant hint of balancing the account of obligation: that, nevertheless, a man
of his feelings could not but resent this shocking return for all his kindness;
and, therefore, he withdrew himself from the connexion, without coming to the
least explanation, or speaking a syllable on the subject to any living soul; so
that now their correspondence is reduced to a slight salute with the hat, when
they chance to meet in any public place; an accident that rarely happens, for
their walks lie different ways. Mr. Paunceford lives in a palace, feeds upon
dainties, is arrayed in sumptuous apparel, appears in all the pomp of equipage,
and passes his time among the nobles of the land. Serle lodges in Stall-street,
up two pair of stairs backwards, walks a- in a Bath-rug, eats for twelve
shillings a-week, and drinks water as a preservative against the gout and gravel
- Mark the vicissitude. Paunceford once resided in a garret; where he subsisted
upon sheeps'-trotters and cow-heel, from which commons he was translated to the
table of Serle, that ever abounded with good-cheer; until want of economy and
retention, reduced him to a slender annuity in his decline of years, that scarce
affords the bare necessaries of life - Paunceford, however, does him the honour
to speak of him still, with uncommon regard; and to declare what pleasure it
would give him to contribute in any shape to his convenience: »But you know, (he
never fails to add) he's a shy kind of a man - And then such a perfect
philosopher, that he looks upon all superfluities with the most sovereign
contempt.«
    Having given you this sketch of 'squire Paunceford, I need not make any
comment on his character, but leave it at the mercy of your own reflection; from
which, I dare say, it will meet with as little quarter as it has found with
yours always
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Bath, May 10.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Molly,
    We are all upon the ving - Hey for London, girl! - Fecks! we have been long
enough here; for we're all turned tipsy turvy - Mistress has excarded Sir Ulic
for kicking of Chowder; and I have sent O Frizzle away, with a flea in his ear -
I've shown him how little I minded his tinsy and his long tail - A fellor, who
would think for to go, for to offer, to take up with a dirty trollop under my
nose - I ketched him in the very fect, coming out of the housemaids garret. -
But I have gi'en the dirty slut a siserary. O Molly! the sarvants at Bath are
devils in garnet - They lite the candle at both ends - Here's nothing but
ginketting, and wasting, and thieving, and tricking, and trigging; and then they
are never content - They won't suffer the 'squire and mistress to stay any
longer; because they have been already above three weeks in the house; and they
look for a couple of ginneys apiece at our going away; and this is a parquisite
they expect every month in the season; being as how no family has a right to
stay longer than four weeks in the same lodgings; and so the cuck swears, she
will pin the dish-clout to mistress's tail; and the house-maid vows, she'll put
cowitch in master's bed, if so be he don't discamp without further ado - I don't
blame them for making the most of their market, in the way of vails and
parquisites; and I defy the devil to say I am a tail-carrier, or ever brought a
poor sarvant into trouble - But then they oft to have some conscience, in
vronging those that be sarvants like themselves - For you must no, Molly, I
missed three-quarters of blond lace, and a remnant of muslin, and my silver
thimble; which was the gift of true love: they were all in my work-basket, that
I left upon the table in the sarvants-hall, when mistresses bell rung; but if
they had been under lock and kay, 'it would have been all the same; for there are
double keys to all the locks in Bath; and they say as how the very teeth an't
safe in your head, if you sleep with your mouth open - And so says I to myself,
them things could not go without hands; and so I'll watch their waters: and so I
did with a vitness; for then it was I found Bett consarned with O Frizzle. And
as the cuck had thrown her slush at me, because I had taken part with Chowder,
when he fit with the turnspit, I resolved to make a clear kitchen, and throw
some of her fat into the fire. I ketched the chare-woman going out with her load
in the morning, before she thought I was up, and brought her to mistress with
her whole cargo - Marry, what do'st think she had got in the name of God? Her
buckets were foaming full of our best bear, and her lap was stuffed with a cold
tongue, part of a buttock of beef, half a turkey, and a swinging lump of butter,
and the matter of ten mould kandles, that had scarce ever been lit. The cuck
brazened it out, and said it was her rite to rummage the pantry; and she was
ready for to go before the mare: that he had been her potticary many years, and
would never think of hurting a poor sarvant, for giving away the scraps of the
kitchen - I went another way to work with madam Betty, because she had been
saucy, and called me skandelus names; and said O Frizzle couldn't abide me, and
twenty other odorous falsehoods. I got a varrant from the mare, and her box
being sarched by the constable, my things came out sure enuff; besides a full
pound of vax candles, and a nite-cap of mistress, that I could sware to on my
cruperal oaf - O! then madam Mopstick came upon her merry bones; and as the
'squire would'nt hare of a pursecution, she 'scaped a skewering: but the longest
day she has to live, she'll remember your
humble sarvant,
                                                                WINIFRED JENKINS
    Bath, May 15.
 
If the hind should come again, before we be gone, pray send me the shift and
apron, with the vite gallow manky shoes; which you'll find in my pillober -
Sarvice to Saul -
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart., of Jesus college, Oxon.

You are in the right, dear Phillips; I don't expect regular answers to every
letter - I know a college-life is too circumscribed to afford materials for such
quick returns of communication. For my part, I am continually shifting the
scene, and surrounded with new objects; some of which are striking enough. I
shall therefore conclude my journal for your amusement; and though, in all
appearance, it will not treat of very important or interesting particulars, it
may prove, perhaps, not altogether uninstructive and unentertaining.
    The musick and entertainments of Bath are over for this season; and all our
gay birds of passage have taken their flight to Bristolwell, Tunbridge,
Brighthelmstone, Scarborough, Harrowgate, etc. Not a soul is seen in this place,
but a few broken-winded parsons, waddling like so many crows along the North
Parade. There is always a great show of the clergy at Bath: none of your thin,
puny, yellow, hectic figures, exhausted with abstinence and hard study,
labouring under the morbi eruditorum; but great overgrown dignitaries and
rectors, with rubicund noses and gouty ankles, or broad bloated faces, dragging
along great swag bellies; the emblems of sloth and indigestion -
    Now we are upon the subject of parsons, I must tell you a ludicrous
adventure, which was atchieved the other day by Tom Eastgate, whom you may
remember on the foundation of Queen's. He had been very assiduous to pin himself
upon George Prankley, who was a gentleman-commoner of Christ-church, knowing the
said Prankley was heir to a considerable estate, and would have the advowson of
a good living, the incumbent of which was very old and infirm. He studied his
passions, and flattered them so effectually, as to become his companion and
counsellor; and, at last, obtained of him a promise of the presentation, when
the living should fall. Prankley, on his uncle's death, quitted Oxford, and made
his first appearance in the fashionable world at London; from whence he came
lately to Bath, where he has been exhibiting himself among the bucks and
gamesters of the place. Eastgate followed him hither; but he should not have
quitted him for a moment, at his first emerging into life. He ought to have
known he was a fantastic, foolish, fickle fellow, who would forget his
college-attachments the moment they ceased appealing to his senses. Tom met with
a cold reception from his old friend; and was, moreover, informed, that he had
promised the living to another man, who had a vote in the county, where he
proposed to offer himself a candidate at the next general election. He now
remembered nothing of Eastgate, but the freedoms he had used to take with him,
while Tom had quietly stood his butt, with an eye to the benefice; and those
freedoms he began to repeat in common-place sarcasms on his person and his
cloth, which he uttered in the public coffee-house, for the entertainment of the
company. But he was egregiously mistaken in giving his own wit credit for that
tameness of Eastgate, which had been entirely owing to prudential
considerations. These being now removed, he retorted his repartee with interest,
and found no great difficulty in turning the laugh upon the aggressor; who,
losing his temper, called him names, and asked, If he knew whom he talked to?
After much altercation, Prankley, shaking his cane, bid him hold his tongue,
otherwise he would dust his cassock for him. »I have no pretensions to such a
valet; (said Tom) but if you should do me that office, and overheat yourself, I
have here a good oaken towel at your service.«
    Prankley was equally incensed and confounded at this reply. After a moment's
pause, he took him aside towards the window; and, pointing to the clump of firs
on Clerken-down, asked in a whisper, if he had spirit enough to meet him there,
with a case of pistols, at six o'clock to-morrow morning. Eastgate answered in
the affirmative; and, with a steady countenance, assured him, he would not fail
to give him the rendezvous at the hour he mentioned. So saying, he retired; and
the challenger stayed some time in manifest agitation. In the morning, Eastgate,
who knew his man, and had taken his resolution, went to Prankley's lodgings, and
roused him by five o'clock -
    The 'squire, in all probability, cursed his punctuality in his heart, but he
affected to talk big; and having prepared his artillery over-night, they crossed
the water at the end of the South Parade. In their progress up the hill,
Prankley often eyed the parson, in hopes of perceiving some reluctance in his
countenance; but as no such marks appeared, he attempted to intimidate him by
word of mouth, »If these flints do their office, (said he) I'll do thy business
in a few minutes.« »I desire you will do your best; (replied the other) for my
part, I come not here to trifle. Our lives are in the hands of God; and one of
us already totters on the brink of eternity -« This remark seemed to make some
impression upon the 'squire, who changed countenance, and with a faltering
accent observed, »That it ill became a clergyman to be concerned in quarrels and
blood-shed -« »Your insolence to me (said Eastgate) I should have bore with
patience, had not you cast the most infamous reflections upon my order, the
honour of which I think myself in duty bound to maintain, even at the expense of
my heart's blood; and surely it can be no crime to put out of the world a
profligate wretch, without any sense of principle, morality, or religion -«
»Thou may'st take away my life, (cried Prankley, in great perturbation) but
don't go to murder my character. - What! has't got no conscience?« »My
conscience is perfectly quiet (replied the other); and now, sir, we are upon the
spot - Take your ground as near as you please; prime your pistol; and the Lord,
of his infinite mercy, have compassion upon your miserable soul!«
    This ejaculation he pronounced in a loud solemn tone, with his hat off, and
his eyes lifted up; then drawing a large horse-pistol, he presented, and put
himself in a posture of action. Prankley took his distance, and endeavoured to
prime, but his hand shook with such violence, that he found this operation
impractible - His antagonist, seeing how it was with him, offered his
assistance, and advanced for that purpose; when the poor 'squire, exceedingly
alarmed at what he had heard and seen, desired the action might be deferred till
next day, as he had not settled his affairs. »I ha'n't made my will (said he);
my sisters are not provided for; and I just now recollect an old promise, which
my conscience tells me I ought to perform - I'll first convince thee, that I'm
not a wretch without principle, and then thou shalt have an opportunity to take
my life, which thou seem'st to thirst after so eagerly -«
    Eastgate understood the hint; and told him, that one day should break no
squares; adding, »God forbid that I should be the means of hindering you from
acting the part of an honest man, and a dutiful brother -« By virtue of this
cessation, they returned peaceably together. Prankley forthwith made out the
presentation of the living, and delivered it to Eastgate, telling him at the
same time, he had now settled his affairs, and was ready to attend him to the
Fir-grove; but Tom declared he could not think of lifting his hand against the
life of so great a benefactor - He did more: when they next met at the
coffee-house, he asked pardon of Mr. Prankley, if in his passion he had said any
thing to give him offence; and the 'squire was so gracious as to forgive him
with a cordial shake of the hand, declaring that he did not like to be at
variance with an old college-companion - Next day, however, he left Bath
abruptly; and then Eastgate told me all these particulars, not a little pleased
with the effects of his own sagacity, by which he has secured a living worth 160
l. per annum.
    Of my uncle, I have nothing at present to say; but that we set out to-morrow
for London en famille. He and the ladies, with the maid and Chowder in a coach;
I and the man-servant a-horseback. The particulars of our journey you shall have
in my next, provided no accident happens to prevent,
Yours ever,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Bath, May 17.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Dick,
    I shall to-morrow set out for London, where I have bespoke lodgings, at Mrs.
Norton's in Golden-square. Although I am no admirer of Bath, I shall leave it
with regret; because I must part with some old friends, whom, in all
probability, I shall never see again. In the course of coffee-house
conversation, I had often heard very extraordinary encomiums passed on the
performances of Mr. T--, a gentleman residing in this place, who paints
landscapes for his amusement. As I have no great confidence in the taste and
judgment of coffee-house connoisseurs, and never received much pleasure from
this branch of the art, those general praises made no impression at all on my
curiosity; but, at the request of a particular friend, I went yesterday to see
the pieces, which had been so warmly commended - I must own I am no judge of
painting, though very fond of pictures. I don't imagine that my senses would
play me so false, as to betray me into admiration of any thing that was very
bad; but, true it is, I have often over-looked capital beauties, in pieces of
extraordinary merit. - If I am not totally devoid of taste, however, this young
gentleman of Bath is the best landscape-painter now living: I was struck with
his performances in such a manner, as I had never been by painting before. His
trees not only have a richness of foliage and warmth of colouring, which
delights the view; but also a certain magnificence in the disposition, and
spirit in the expression, which I cannot describe. His management of the chiaro
oscuro, or light and shadow, especially gleams of sun-shine, is altogether
wonderful, both in the contrivance and execution; and he is so happy in his
perspective, and marking his distances at sea, by a progressive series of ships,
vessels, capes, and promontories, that I could not help thinking, I had a
distant view of thirty leagues upon the back-ground of the picture. If there is
any taste for ingenuity left in a degenerate age, fast sinking into barbarism,
this artist, I apprehend, will make a capital figure, as soon as his works are
known -
    Two days ago, I was favoured with a visit by Mr. Fitz-owen; who, with great
formality, solicited my vote and interest at the general election. I ought not
to have been shocked at the confidence of this man; though it was remarkable,
considering what had passed between him and me on a former occasion - These
visits are mere matter of form, which a candidate makes to every elector; even
to those who, he knows, are engaged in the interest of his competitor, lest he
should expose himself to the imputation of pride, at a time when it is expected
he should appear humble. Indeed, I know nothing so abject as the behaviour of a
man canvassing for a seat in parliament - This mean prostration, (to
borough-electors especially) has, I imagine, contributed in a great measure to
raise that spirit of insolence among the vulgar; which, like the devil, will be
found very difficult to lay. Be that as it may, I was in some confusion at the
effrontery of Fitz-owen; but I soon recollected myself, and told him, I had not
yet determined for whom I should give my vote, nor whether I should give it for
any. - The truth is, I look upon both candidates in the same light; and should
think myself a traitor to the constitution of my country, if I voted for either.
If every elector would bring the same consideration home to his conscience, we
should not have such reason to exclaim against the venality of p--ts. But we are
all a pack of venal and corrupted rascals; so lost to all sense of honesty, and
all tenderness of character, that, in a little time, I am fully persuaded,
nothing will be infamous but virtue and public-spirit.
    G. H--, who is really an enthusiast in patriotism, and represented the
capital in several successive parliaments, declared to me t'other day, with the
tears in his eyes, that he had lived above thirty years in the city of London,
and dealt in the way of commerce with all the citizens of note in their turns;
but that, as he should answer to God, he had never, in the whole course of his
life, found above three or four whom he could call thoroughly honest: a
declaration, which was rather mortifying than surprising to me; who have found
so few men of worth in the course of my acquaintance, that they serve only as
exceptions; which, in the grammarian's phrase, confirm and prove a general canon
- I know you will say, G. H-- saw imperfectly through the mist of prejudice, and
I am rankled by the spleen - Perhaps, you are partly in the right; for I have
perceived that my opinion of mankind, like mercury in the thermometer, rises and
falls according to the variations of the weather.
    Pray settle accompts with Barnes; take what money of mine is in his hands,
and give him acquittance. If you think Davis has stock or credit enough to do
justice to the farm, give him a discharge for the rent that is due; this will
animate his industry; for I know that nothing is so discouraging to a farmer, as
the thoughts of being in arrears with his landlord. He becomes dispirited, and
neglects his labour; and so the farm goes to wreck. Tabby has been clamouring
for some days about the lamb's skin, which Williams, the hind, begged of me,
when he was last at Bath. Pr'ythee take it back, paying the fellow the full
value of it, that I may have some peace in my own house; and let him keep his
own counsel, if he means to keep his place - O! I shall never presume to despise
or censure any poor man, for suffering himself to be hen-pecked; conscious how I
myself am obliged to truckle to a domestic dæmon; even though (blessed be God)
she is not yoked with me for life, in the matrimonial wagon - She has
quarrelled with the servants of the house about vails; and such intolerable
scolding ensued on both sides, that I have been fain to appease the cook and
chamber-maid by stealth. Can't you find some poor gentleman of Wales, to take
this precious commodity off the hands of
yours,
                                                                      M. BRAMBLE
    Bath, May 19.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Docter Lews,
    Give me leaf to tell you, methinks you mought employ your talons better,
than to encourage servants to pillage their masters - I find by Gwyllim, that
Villiams has got my skin; for which he is an impotent rascal. He has not only
got my skin, but, moreover, my butter-milk to fatten his pigs; and, I suppose,
the next thing he gets, will be my pad to carry his daughter to church and fair:
Roger gets this, and Roger gets that; but I'd have you to know, I won't be
rogered at this rate by any ragmatical fellow in the kingdom - And I am
surprised, docter Lews, you would offer to put my affairs in composition with
the refuge and skim of the hearth. I have toiled and moyled to a good purpuss,
for the advantage of Matt's family, if I can't safe as much owl as will make me
an under petticoat. As for the butter-milk, ne'er a pig in the parish shall
thrust his snout in it, with my good-will. There's a famous physician at the Hot
Well, that prescribes it to his patience, when the case is consumptive; and the
Scots and Irish have begun to drink it already, in such quantities, that there
is not a drop left for the hogs in the whole neighbourhood of Bristol. I'll have
our butter-milk barrelled up, and sent twice a-week to Aberginny, where it may
be sold for a halfpenny the quart; and so Roger may carry his pigs to another
market - I hope, Docter, you will not go to put any more such phims in my
brother's head, to the prejudice of my pockat; but rather give me some raisins
(which hitherto you have not done) to subscribe myself
your humble servant,
                                                                    TAB. BRAMBLE
    Bath, May 19.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    Without waiting for your answer to my last, I proceed to give you an account
of our journey to London, which has not been wholly barren of adventure. Tuesday
last, the 'squire took his place in a hired coach and four, accompanied by his
sister and mine, and Mrs. Tabby's maid, Winifrid Jenkins, whose province it was
to support Chowder on a cushion in her lap. I could scarce refrain from
laughing, when I looked into the vehicle, and saw that animal sitting opposite
to my uncle, like any other passenger. The 'squire, ashamed of his situation,
blushed to the eyes: and, calling to the postilions to drive on, pulled the
glass up in my face. I, and his servant John Thomas, attended them on
horse-back.
    Nothing worth mentioning occurred, till we arrived on the edge of
Marlborough Downs. There one of the fore horses fell, in going down hill at a
round trot; and the postilion behind, endeavouring to stop the carriage, pulled
it on one side into a deep rut, where it was fairly overturned. I had rode on
about two hundred yards before; but, hearing a loud scream, galloped back and
dismounted, to give what assistance was in my power. When I looked into the
coach, I could see nothing distinctly, but the nether end of Jenkins, who was
kicking her heels and squalling with great vociferation. All of a sudden, my
uncle thrust up his bare pate, and bolted through the window, as nimble as a
grasshopper, having made use of poor Win's posteriors as a step to rise in his
ascent - The man (who had likewise quitted his horse) dragged this forlorn
damsel, more dead than alive, through the same opening. Then Mr. Bramble,
pulling the door off its hinges with a jerk, laid hold on Liddy's arm, and
brought her to the light; very much frighted, but little hurt. It fell to my
share to deliver our aunt Tabitha, who had lost her cap in the struggle; and
being rather more than half frantic, with rage and terror, was no bad
representation of one of the sister Furies that guard the gates of hell - She
expressed no sort of concern for her brother, who ran about in the cold, without
his periwig, and worked with the most astonishing agility, in helping to
disentangle the horses from the carriage: but she cried, in a tone of
distraction, »Chowder! Chowder! my dead Chowder! my poor Chowder is certainly
killed!«
    This was not the case - Chowder, after having tore my uncle's leg in the
confusion of the fall, had retreated under the seat, and from thence the footman
drew him by the neck; for which good office, he bit his fingers to the bone. The
fellow, who is naturally surly, was so provoked at this assault, that he saluted
his ribs with a hearty kick, exclaiming, »Damn the nasty son of a bitch, and
them he belongs to!« A benediction, which was by no means lost upon the
implacable virago his mistress - Her brother, however, prevailed upon her to
retire into a peasant's house, near the scene of action, where his head and hers
were covered, and poor Jenkins had a fit - Our next care was to apply some
sticking plaster to the wound in his leg, which exhibited the impression of
Chowder's teeth; but he never opened his lips against the delinquent - Mrs.
Tabby, alarmed at this scene, »You say nothing, Matt (cried she); but I know
your mind - I know the spite you have to that poor unfortunate animal! I know
you intend to take his life away!« »You are mistaken, upon my honour! (replied
the 'squire, with a sarcastic smile) I should be incapable of harbouring any
such cruel design against an object so amiable and inoffensive; even if he had
not the happiness to be your favourite.«
    John Thomas was not so delicate. The fellow, whether really alarmed for his
life, or instigated by the desire of revenge, came in, and bluntly demanded,
that the dog should be put to death; on the supposition, that if ever he should
run mad hereafter, he, who had been bit by him, would be infected - My uncle
calmly argued upon the absurdity of his opinion, observing, that he himself was
in the same predicament, and would certainly take the precaution he proposed, if
he was not sure he ran no risk of infection. Nevertheless, Thomas continued
obstinate; and, at length declared, that if the dog was not shot immediately, he
himself would be his executioner - This declaration opened the flood-gates of
Tabby's eloquence, which would have shamed the first-rate oratress of
Billingsgate. The footman retorted in the same stile; and the 'squire dismissed
him from his service, after having prevented me from giving him a good
horse-whipping for his insolence.
    The coach being adjusted, another difficulty occurred - Mrs. Tabitha
absolutely refused to enter it again, unless another driver could be found to
take the place of the postilion; who, she affirmed, had overturned the carriage
from malice aforethought - After much dispute, the man resigned his place to a
shabby country fellow, who undertook to go as far as Marlborough, where they
could be better provided; and at that place we arrived about one o'clock,
without farther impediment. Mrs. Bramble, however, found new matter of offence;
which, indeed, she had a particular genius for extracting at will from almost
every incident in life. We had scarce entered the room at Marlborough, where we
stayed to dine, when she exhibited a formal complaint against the poor fellow
who had superseded the postilion. She said, he was such a beggarly rascal, that
he had ne'er a shirt to his back; and had the impudence to shock her sight by
showing his bare posteriors, for which act of indelicacy he deserved to be set
in the stocks. Mrs. Winifred Jenkins confirmed the assertion, with respect to
his nakedness, observing, at the same time, that he had a skin as fair as
alabaster.
    »This is a heinous offence, indeed, (cried my uncle) let us hear what the
fellow has to say in his own vindication.« He was accordingly summoned, and made
his appearance, which was equally queer and pathetic. He seemed to be about
twenty years of age, of a middling size, with bandy legs, stooping shoulders,
high forehead, sandy locks, pinking eyes, flat nose, and long chin - but his
complexion was of a sickly yellow: his looks denoted famine; and the rags that
he wore, could hardly conceal what decency requires to be covered - My uncle,
having surveyed him attentively, said with an ironical expression in his
countenance, »An't you ashamed, fellow, to ride postilion without a shirt to
cover your backside from the view of the ladies in the coach?« »Yes, I am, an
please your noble honour; (answered the man) but necessity has no law, as the
saying is - And more than that, it was an accident - My breeches cracked behind,
after I had got into the saddle -« »You're an impudent varlet, (cried Mrs.
Tabby) for presuming to ride before persons of fashion without a shirt -« »I am
so, an please your worthy ladyship, (said he) but I'm a poor Wiltshire lad. - I
ha'n't a shirt in the world, that I can call my own, nor a rag of clothes, an
please your ladyship, but what you see - I have no friend, nor relation upon
earth to help me out - I have had the fever and ague these six months, and spent
all I had in the world upon doctors, and to keep soul and body together; and,
saving your ladyship's good presence, I han't broke bread these four and twenty
hours -«
    Mrs. Bramble, turning from him, said, she had never seen such a filthy
tatterdemalion, and bid him begone; observing, that he would fill the room full
of vermin - Her brother darted a significant glance at her, as she retired with
Liddy into another apartment; and then asked the man if he was known to any
person in Marlborough? - When he answered, that the landlord of the inn had
known him from his infancy; mine host was immediately called, and being
interrogated on the subject, declared that the young fellow's name was Humphry
Clinker. That he had been a love-begotten babe, brought up in the work-house,
and put out apprentice by the parish to a country black-smith, who died before
the boy's time was out: that he had for some time worked under his ostler, as a
helper and extra postilion, till he was taken ill of the ague, which disabled
him from getting his bread: that, having sold or pawned every thing he had in
the world for his cure and subsistence, he became so miserable and shabby, that
he disgraced the stable, and was dismissed; but that he never heard any thing to
the prejudice of his character in other respects. »So that the fellow being sick
and destitute, (said my uncle) you turned him out to die in the streets.« »I pay
the poors rate, (replied the other) and I have no right to maintain idle
vagrants, either in sickness or health; besides, such a miserable object would
have brought a discredit upon my house -«
    »You perceive (said the 'squire, turning to me) our landlord is a Christian
of bowels - Who shall presume to censure the morals of the age, when the very
publicans exhibit such examples of humanity? - Heark ye, Clinker, you are a most
notorious offender - You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and
want - But, as it does not belong to me to punish criminals, I will only take
upon me the task of giving you a word of advice - Get a shirt with all
convenient despatch, that your nakedness may not henceforward give offence to
travelling gentlewomen, especially maidens in years -«
    So saying, he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow, who stood
staring at him in silence, with his mouth wide open, till the landlord pushed
him out of the room.
    In the afternoon, as our aunt stepped into the coach, she observed, with some
marks of satisfaction, that the postilion, who rode next to her, was not a
shabby wretch like the ragamuffin who had drove them into Marlborough. Indeed,
the difference was very conspicuous: this was a smart fellow, with a
narrow-brimmed hat, with gold cording, a cut bob, a decent blue jacket, leather
breeches, and a clean linen shirt, puffed above the waist-band. When we arrived
at the castle on Spin-hill, where we lay, this new postilion was remarkably
assiduous, in bringing in the loose parcels; and, at length, displayed the
individual countenance of Humphry Clinker, who had metamorphosed himself in this
manner, by relieving from pawn part of his own clothes, with the money he had
received from Mr. Bramble.
    Howsoever pleased the rest of the company were with such a favourable change
in the appearance of this poor creature, it soured on the stomach of Mrs. Tabby,
who had not yet digested the affront of his naked skin - She tossed her nose in
disdain, saying she supposed her brother had taken him into favour, because he
had insulted her with his obscenity: that a fool and his money were soon parted;
but that if Matt intended to take the fellow with him to London, she would not
go a foot further that way - My uncle said nothing with his tongue, though his
looks were sufficiently expressive; and next morning Clinker did not appear, so
that we proceeded without further altercation to Salt-hill, where we proposed to
dine - There, the first person that came to the side of the coach, and began to
adjust the foot-board, was no other than Humphry Clinker - When I handed out
Mrs. Bramble, she eyed him with a furious look, and passed into the house - My
uncle was embarrassed, and asked him peevishly, what had brought him hither? The
fellow said, his honour had been so good to him, that he had not the heart to
part with him; that he would follow him to the world's end, and serve him all
the days of his life, without fee or reward -
    Mr. Bramble did not know whether to chide or laugh at this declaration - He
foresaw much contradiction on the side of Tabby; and, on the other hand, he
could not but be pleased with the gratitude of Clinker, as well as with the
simplicity of his character - »Suppose I was inclined to take you into my
service, (said he) what are your qualifications? what are you good for?« »An
please your honour, (answered this original) I can read and write, and do the
business of the stable indifferent well - I can dress a horse, and shoe him, and
bleed and rowel him; and, as for the practice of sow-gelding, I won't turn my
back on e'er a he in the county of Wilts - Then I can make hog's-puddings and
hob-nails, mend kettles, and tin saucepans -« Here uncle burst out a-laughing;
and enquired, what other accomplishments he was master of - »I know something of
single-stick, and psalmody, (proceeded Clinker) I can play upon the Jew's-harp,
sing Black-ey'd Susan, Arthur-o'Bradley, and divers other songs; I can dance a
Welsh jig, and Nancy Dawson; wrestle a fall with any lad of my inches, when I'm
in heart; and, under correction, I can find a hare when your honour wants a bit
of game.« »Foregad! thou art a complete fellow, (cried my uncle, still laughing)
I have a good mind to take thee into my family - Pr'ythee, go and try if thou
can'st make peace with my sister - Thou ha'st given her much offence by showing
her thy naked tail.«
    Clinker accordingly followed us into the room, cap in hand, where,
addressing himself to Mrs. Tabitha, »May it please your ladyship's worship
(cried he) to pardon and forgive my offences, and, with God's assistance, I
shall take care that my tail shall never rise up in judgment against me, to
offend your ladyship again - Do, pray, good, sweet, beautiful lady, take
compassion on a poor sinner - God bless your noble countenance; I am sure you
are too handsome and generous to bear malice - I will serve you on my bended
knees, by night and by day, by land and by water; and all for the love and
pleasure of serving such an excellent lady -«
    This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon Tabby; but she made no
reply; and Clinker, taking silence for consent, gave his attendance at dinner.
The fellow's natural aukwardness and the flutter of his spirits were productive
of repeated blunders in the course of his attendance - At length, he spilt part
of a custard upon her right shoulder; and starting back, trod upon Chowder, who
set up a dismal howl - Poor Humphry was so disconcerted at this double mistake,
that he dropped the china dish, which broke into a thousand pieces; then, falling
down upon his knees, remained in that posture gaping, with a most ludicrous
aspect of distress - Mrs. Bramble flew to the dog, and, snatching him in her
arms, presented him to her brother, saying, »This is all a concerted scheme
against this unfortunate animal, whose only crime is its regard for me - Here it
is; kill it at once; and then you'll be satisfied.«
    Clinker, hearing these words, and taking them in the literal acceptation,
got up in some hurry, and, seizing a knife from the side-board, cried, »Not
here, an please your ladyship - It will daub the room - Give him to me, and I'll
carry him in the ditch by the roadside -« To this proposal he received no other
answer, than a hearty box on the ear, that made him stagger to the other side of
the room. »What! (said she to her brother) am I to be affronted by every mangy
hound that you pick up in the highway? I insist upon your sending this
rascallion about his business immediately -« »For God's sake, sister, compose
yourself, (said my uncle) and consider, that the poor fellow is innocent of any
intention to give you offence -« »Innocent as the babe unborn« - (cried
Humphry.) »I see it plainly, (exclaimed this implacable maiden) he acts by your
direction; and you are resolved to support him in his impudence - This is a bad
return for all the services I have done you; for nursing you in your sickness,
managing your family, and keeping you from ruining yourself by your own
imprudence - But now you shall part with that rascal or me, upon the spot,
without farther loss of time; and the world shall see whether you have more
regard for your own flesh and blood, or for a beggarly foundling, taken from the
dunghill -«
    Mr. Bramble's eyes began to glisten, and his teeth to chatter. »If stated
fairly, (said he, raising his voice) the question is, whether I have spirit to
shake off an intolerable yoke, by one effort of resolution, or meanness enough
to do an act of cruelty and injustice, to gratify the rancour of a capricious
woman - Heark ye, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, I will now propose an alternative in my
turn - Either discard your four- favourite, or give me leave to bid you
eternally adieu - For I am determined, that he and I shall live no longer under
the same roof; and now to dinner with what appetite you may -« Thunderstruck at
this declaration, she sat down in a corner; and, after a pause of some minutes,
»Sure I don't understand you, Matt!« (said she) »And yet I spoke in plain
English -« answered the 'squire, with a peremptory look. »Sir, (resumed this
virago, effectually humbled) it is your prerogative to command, and my duty to
obey. I can't dispose of the dog in this place; but if you'll allow him to go in
the coach to London, I give you my word, he shall never trouble you again -«
    Her brother, entirely disarmed by this mild reply, declared, she could ask
him nothing in reason that he would refuse; adding, »I hope, sister, you have
never found me deficient in natural affection.« Mrs. Tabitha immediately rose,
and, throwing her arms about his neck, kissed him on the cheek: he returned her
embrace with great emotion. Liddy sobbed, Win Jenkins cackled, Chowder capered,
and Clinker skipped about, rubbing his hands for joy of this reconciliation.
    Concord being thus restored, we finished our meal with comfort; and in the
evening arrived at London, without having met with any other adventure. My aunt
seems to be much mended by the hint she received from her brother. She has been
graciously pleased to remove her displeasure from Clinker, who is now retained
as a footman; and in a day or two will make his appearance in a new suit of
livery; but as he is little acquainted with London, we have taken an occasional
valet, whom I intend hereafter to hire as my own servant. We lodge in
Golden-square, at the house of one Mrs. Norton, a decent sort of a woman, who
takes great pains to make us all easy. My uncle proposes to make a circuit of
all the remarkable scenes of this metropolis, for the entertainment of his
pupils; but as both you and I are already acquainted with most of those he will
visit, and with some others he little dreams of, I shall only communicate what
will be in some measure new to your observation. Remember me to our Jesuitical
frie nds, and believe me ever,
Dear knight,
yours affectionately,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    London, May 24.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Doctor,
    London is literally new to me; new in its streets, houses, and even in its
situation; as the Irishman said, »London is now gone out of town.« What I left
open fields, producing hay and corn, I now find covered with streets, and
squares, and palaces, and churches. I am credibly informed, that in the space of
seven years, eleven thousand new houses have been built in one quarter of
Westminster, exclusive of what is daily added to other parts of this unweildy
metropolis. Pimlico and Knightsbridge are now almost joined to Chelsea and
Kensington; and if this infatuation continues for half a century, I suppose the
whole county of Middlesex will be covered with brick.
    It must be allowed, indeed, for the credit of the present age, that London
and Westminster are much better paved and lighted than they were formerly. The
new streets are spacious, regular, and airy; and the houses generally
convenient. The Bridge at Blackfriars is a noble monument of taste and
public-spirit - I wonder how they stumbled upon a work of such magnificence and
utility. But, notwithstanding these improvements, the capital is become an
overgrown monster; which, like a dropsical head, will in time leave the body and
extremities without nourishment and support. The absurdity will appear in its
full force, when we consider, that one sixth part of the natives of this whole
extensive kingdom is crowded within the bills of mortality. What wonder that our
villages are depopulated, and our farms in want of day-labourers? The abolition
of small farms, is but one cause of the decrease of population. Indeed, the
incredible increase of horses and black cattle, to answer the purposes of
luxury, requires a prodigious quantity of hay and grass, which are raised and
managed without much labour; but a number of hands will always be wanted for the
different branches of agriculture, whether the farms be large or small. The tide
of luxury has swept all the inhabitants from the open country - The poorest
'squire, as well as the richest peer, must have his house in town, and make a
figure with an extraordinary number of domestics. The plough-boys, cow-herds,
and lower hinds, are debauched and seduced by the appearance and discourse of
those coxcombs in livery, when they make their summer excursions. They desert
their dirt and drudgery, and swarm up to London, in hopes of getting into
service, where they can live luxuriously and wear fine clothes, without being
obliged to work; for idleness is natural to man - Great numbers of these, being
disappointed in their expectation, become thieves and sharpers; and London being
an immense wilderness, in which there is neither watch nor ward of any
signification, nor any order or police, affords them lurking-places as well as
prey.
    There are many causes that contribute to the daily increase of this enormous
mass; but they may be all resolved into the grand source of luxury and
corruption - About five and twenty years ago, very few, even of the most opulent
citizens of London, kept any equipage, or even any servants in livery. Their
tables produced nothing but plain boiled and roasted, with a bottle of port and
a tankard of beer. At present, every trader in any degree of credit, every
broker and attorney, maintains a couple of footmen, a coachman, and postilion.
He has his town-house, and his country-house, his coach, and his postchaise. His
wife and daughters appear in the richest stuffs, bespangled with diamonds. They
frequent the court, the opera, the theatre, and the masquerade. They hold
assemblies at their own houses: they make sumptuous entertainments, and treat
with the richest wines of Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Champagne. The substantial
tradesman, who wont to pass his evenings at the ale-house for fourpence
half-penny, now spends three shillings at the tavern, while his wife keeps
card-tables at home; she must likewise have fine clothes, her chaise, or pad,
with country lodgings, and go three times a-week to public diversions. Every
clerk, apprentice, and even waiter of tavern or coffee-house, maintains a
gelding by himself, or in partnership, and assumes the air and apparel of a
petit maitre - The gayest places of public entertainment are filled with
fashionable figures; which, upon inquiry, will be found to be journeymen
taylors, serving-men, and abigails, disguised like their betters.
    In short, there is no distinction or subordination left - The different
departments of life are jumbled together - The hod-carrier, the low mechanic,
the tapster, the publican, the shop-keeper, the pettifogger, the citizen, and
courtier, all tread upon the kibes of one another: actuated by the demons of
profligacy and licentiousness, they are seen every where, rambling, riding,
rolling, rushing, justling, mixing, bouncing, cracking, and crashing in one vile
ferment of stupidity and corruption - All is tumult and hurry; one would imagine
they were impelled by some disorder of the brain, that will not suffer them to
be at rest. The foot-passengers run along as if they were pursued by bailiffs.
The porters and chairmen trot with their burdens. People, who keep their own
equipages, drive through the streets at full speed. Even citizens, physicians,
and apothecaries, glide in their chariots like lightning. The hackney-coachmen
make their horses smoke, and the pavement shakes under them; and I have actually
seen a wagon pass through Piccadilly at the hand-gallop. In a word, the whole
nation seems to be running out of their wits.
    The diversions of the times are not ill suited to the genius of this
incongruous monster, called the public. Give it noise, confusion, glare, and
glitter; it has no idea of elegance and propriety - What are the amusements at
Ranelagh? One half of the company are following one another's tails, in an
eternal circle; like so many blind asses in an olive-mill, where they can
neither discourse, distinguish, nor be distinguished; while the other half are
drinking hot water, under the denomination of tea, till nine or ten o'clock at
night, to keep them awake for the rest of the evening. As for the orchestra, the
vocal musick especially, it is well for the performers that they cannot he heard
distinctly. Vauxhall is a composition of baubles, overcharged with paltry
ornaments, ill conceived, and poorly executed; without any unity of design, or
propriety of disposition. It is an unnatural assembly of objects, fantastically
illuminated in broken masses; seemingly contrived to dazzle the eyes and divert
the imagination of the vulgar - Here a wooden lion, there a stone statue; in one
place, a range of things like coffee-house boxes, covered a-top; in another, a
parcel of ale-house benches; in a third, a puppet-show representation of a tin
cascade; in a fourth, a gloomy cave of a circular form, like a sepulchral vault
half lighted; in a fifth, a scanty slip of grass-plat, that would not afford
pasture sufficient for an ass's colt. The walks, which nature seems to have
intended for solitude, shade, and silence, are filled with crowds of noisy
people, sucking up the nocturnal rheums of an aguish climate; and through these
gay scenes, a few lamps glimmer like so many farthing candles.
    When I see a number of well-dressed people, of both sexes, sitting on the
covered benches, exposed to the eyes of the mob; and, which is worse, to the
cold, raw, night-air, devouring sliced beef, and swilling port, and punch, and
cyder, I can't help compassionating their temerity, while I despise their want
of taste and decorum; but, when they course along those damp and gloomy walks,
or crowd together upon the wet gravel, without any other cover than the cope of
Heaven, listening to a song, which one half of them cannot possibly hear, how
can I help supposing they are actually possessed by a spirit, more absurd and
pernicious than any thing we meet with in the precincts of Bedlam? In all
probability, the proprietors of this, and other public gardens of inferior note,
in the skirts of the metropolis, are, in some shape, connected with the faculty
of physic, and the company of undertakers; for, considering that eagerness in
the pursuit of what is called pleasure, which now predominates through every
rank and denomination of life, I am persuaded, that more gouts, rheumatisms,
catarrhs, and consumptions are caught in these nocturnal pastimes, sub dio, than
from all the risques and accidents to which a life of toil and danger is
exposed.
    These, and other observations, which I have made in this excursion, will
shorten my stay at London, and send me back with a double relish to my solitude
and mountains; but I shall return by a different route from that which brought
me to town. I have seen some old friends, who constantly resided in this
virtuous metropolis, but they are so changed in manners and disposition, that we
hardly know or care for one another - In our journey from Bath, my sister Tabby
provoked me into a transport of passion; during which, like a man who has drank
himself pot-valiant, I talked to her in such a stile of authority and
resolution, as produced a most blessed effect. She and her dog have been
remarkably quiet and orderly, ever since this expostulation. How long this
agreeable calm will last, Heaven above knows - I flatter myself, the exercise of
travelling has been of service to my health; a circumstance, which encourages me
to proceed in my projected expedition to the North. But I must, in the mean
time, for the benefit and amusement of my pupils, explore the depths of this
chaos; this mishapen and monstrous capital, without head or tail, members or
proportion.
    Thomas was so insolent to my sister on the road, that I was obliged to turn
him off abruptly, betwixt Chippenham and Marlborough, where our coach was
overturned. The fellow was always sullen and selfish; but, if he should return
to the country, you may give him a character for honesty and sobriety; and,
provided he behaves with proper respect to the family, let him have a couple of
guineas in the name of
yours always,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    London, May 29.
 

                     To Miss Lætitia Willis, at Gloucester

My dear Letty,
    Inexpressible was the pleasure I received from yours of the 25th, which was
last night put into my hands by Mrs. Brentwood, the milliner, from Gloucester -
I rejoice to hear that my worthy governess is in good health, and, still more,
that she no longer retains any displeasure towards her poor Liddy. I am sorry
you have lost the society of the agreeable miss Vaughan; but, I hope, you won't
have cause much longer to regret the departure of your school companions, as I
make no doubt but your parents will, in a little time, bring you into the world,
where you are so well qualified to make a distinguished figure. When that is the
case, I flatter myself you and I shall meet again, and be happy together; and
even improve the friendship which we contracted in our tender years - This at
least I can promise - It shall not be for the want of my utmost endeavours, if
our intimacy does not continue for life.
    About five days ago we arrived in London, after an easy journey from Bath;
during which, however, we were overturned, and met with some other little
incidents, which had like to have occasioned a misunderstanding betwixt my uncle
and aunt; but now, thank God, they are happily reconciled: we live in harmony
together, and every day make parties to see the wonders of this vast metropolis,
which, however, I cannot pretend to describe; for I have not as yet seen one
hundredth part of its curiosities, and I am quite in a maze of admiration.
    The cities of London and Westminster are spread out into an incredible
extent. The streets, squares, rows, lanes, and alleys, are innumerable. Palaces,
public buildings, and churches, rise in every quarter; and, among these last,
St. Paul's appears with the most astonishing pre-eminence. They say it is not so
large as St. Peter's at Rome; but, for my own part, I can have no idea of any
earthly temple more grand and magnificent.
    But even these superb objects are not so striking as the crowds of people
that swarm in the streets. I at first imagined, that some great assembly was
just dismissed, and wanted to stand aside till the multitude should pass; but
this human tide continues to flow, without interruption or abatement, from morn
till night. Then there is such an infinity of gay equipages, coaches, chariots,
chaises, and other carriages, continually rolling and shifting before your eyes,
that one's head grows giddy looking at them; and the imagination is quite
confounded with splendour and variety. Nor is the prospect by water less grand
and astonishing than that by land: you see three stupendous bridges, joining the
opposite banks of a broad, deep, and rapid river; so vast, so stately, so
elegant, that they seem to be the work of the giants: betwixt them, the whole
surface of the Thames is covered with small vessels, barges, boats, and
wherries, passing to and fro; and below the three bridges, such a prodigious
forest of masts, for miles together, that you would think all the ships in the
universe were here assembled. All that you read of wealth and grandeur, in the
Arabian Night's Entertainment, and the Persian Tales, concerning Bagdad,
Diarbekir, Damascus, Ispahan, and Samarkand, is here realized.
    Ranelagh looks like the inchanted palace of a genie, adorned with the most
exquisite performances of painting, carving, and gilding, enlightened with a
thousand golden lamps, that emulate the noonday sun; crowded with the great, the
rich, the gay, the happy, and the fair; glittering with cloth of gold and
silver, lace, embroidery, and precious stones. While these exulting sons and
daughters of felicity tread this round of pleasure, or regale in different
parties, and separate lodges, with fine imperial tea and other delicious
refreshments, their ears are entertained with the most ravishing delights of
musick, both instrumental and vocal. There I heard the famous Tenducci, a thing
from Italy - It looks for all the world like a man, though they say it is not.
The voice, to be sure, is neither man's nor woman's; but it is more melodious
than either; and it warbled so divinely, that, while I listened, I really
thought myself in paradise.
    At nine o'clock, in a charming moonlight evening, we embarked at Ranelagh
for Vauxhall, in a wherry, so light and slender, that we looked like so many
fairies sailing in a nut-shell. My uncle, being apprehensive of catching cold
upon the water, went round in the coach, and my aunt would have accompanied him,
but he would not suffer me to go by water if she went by land; and therefore she
favoured us with her company, as she perceived I had a curiosity to make this
agreeable voyage - After all, the vessel was sufficiently loaded; for, besides
the waterman, there was my brother Jery, and a friend of his, one Mr. Barton, a
country gentleman, of a good fortune, who had dined at our house - The pleasure
of this little excursion was, however, damped, by my being sadly frighted at our
landing; where there was a terrible confusion of wherries, and a crowd of people
bawling, and swearing, and quarrelling: nay, a parcel of ugly-looking fellows
came running into the water, and laid hold on our boat with great violence, to
pull it a-shore; nor would they quit their hold till my brother struck one of
them over the head with his cane. But this flutter was fully recompensed by the
pleasures of Vauxhall; which I no sooner entered, than I was dazzled and
confounded with the variety of beauties that rushed all at once upon my eye.
Image to yourself, my dear Letty, a spacious garden, part laid out in delightful
walks, bounded with high hedges and trees, and paved with gravel; part
exhibiting a wonderful assemblage of the most picturesque and striking objects,
pavilions, lodges, groves, grottoes, lawns, temples, and cascades; porticoes,
colonades, and rotundos; adorned with pillars, statues and painting: the whole
illuminated with an infinite number of lamps, disposed in different figures of
suns, stars, and constellations; the place crowded with the gayest company,
ranging through those blissful shades, or supping in different lodges on cold
collations, enlivened with mirth, freedom, and good-humour, and animated by an
excellent band of musick. Among the vocal performers I had the happiness to hear
the celebrated Mrs. --, whose voice was so loud and so shrill, that it made my
head ake through excess of pleasure.
    In about half an hour after we arrived we were joined by my uncle, who did
not seem to relish the place. People of experience and infirmity, my dear Letty,
see with very different eyes from those that such as you and I make use of - Our
evening's entertainment was interrupted by an unlucky accident. In one of the
remotest walks we were surprised with a sudden shower, that set the whole
company a-running, and drove us in heaps, one upon another, into the rotunda;
where my uncle, finding himself wet, began to be very peevish and urgent to be
gone. My brother went to look for the coach, and found it with much difficulty;
but as it could not hold us all, Mr. Barton stayed behind. It was some time
before the carriage could be brought up to the gate, in the confusion,
notwithstanding the utmost endeavours of our new footman, Humphry Clinker, who
lost his scratch periwig, and got a broken head in the scuffle. The moment we
were seated, my aunt pulled off my uncle's shoes, and carefully wrapped his poor
feet in her capuchin; then she gave him a mouth-full of cordial, which she
always keeps in her pocket, and his clothes were shifted as soon as we arrived
at lodgings; so that, blessed be God, he escaped a severe cold, of which he was
in great terror.
    As for Mr. Barton, I must tell you in confidence, he was a little
particular; but, perhaps, I mistake his complaisance; and I wish I may, for his
sake - You know the condition of my poor heart; which, in spite of hard usage -
And yet I ought not to complain: nor will I, till farther information.
    Besides Ranelagh and Vauxhall, I have been at Mrs. Cornelys' assembly,
which, for the rooms, the company, the dresses, and decorations, surpasses all
description; but as I have no great turn for card-playing, I have not yet
entered thoroughly into the spirit of the place: indeed I am still such a
country hoyden, that I could hardly find patience to be put in a condition to
appear, yet I was not above six hours under the hands of the hairdresser, who
stuffed my head with as much black wool as would have made a quilted petticoat;
and, after all, it was the smallest head in the assembly, except my aunt's -
She, to be sure, was so particular with her rumpt gown and petticoat, her scanty
curls, her lappet-head, deep triple ruffles, and high stays, that every body
looked at her with surprise: some whispered, and some tittered; and lady
Griskin, by whom we were introduced, flatly told her, she was twenty good years
behind the fashion.
    Lady Griskin is a person of fashion, to whom we have the honour to be
related. She keeps a small rout at her own house, never exceeding ten or a dozen
card-tables, but these are frequented by the best company in town - She has been
so obliging as to introduce my aunt and me to some of her particular friends of
quality, who treat us with the most familiar good-humour: we have once dined
with her, and she takes the trouble to direct us in all our motions. I am so
happy as to have gained her good-will to such a degree, that she sometimes
adjusts my cap with her own hands; and she has given me a kind invitation to
stay with her all the winter. This, however, has been cruelly declined by my
uncle, who seems to be (I know not how) prejudiced against the good lady; for,
whenever my aunt happens to speak in her commendation, I observe that he makes
wry faces, though he says nothing. - Perhaps, indeed, these grimaces may be the
effect of pain arising from the gout and rheumatism, with which he is sadly
distressed - To me, however, he is always good-natured and generous, even beyond
my wish. Since we came hither, he has made me a present of a suit of clothes,
with trimmings and laces, which cost more money than I shall mention; and Jery,
at his desire, has given me my mother's diamond drops, which are ordered to be
set a-new; so that it won't be his fault if I do not glitter among the stars of
the fourth or fifth magnitude. I wish my weak head may not grow giddy in the
midst of all this gallantry and dissipation; though, as yet, I can safely
declare, I could gladly give up all these tumultuous pleasures, for country
solitude, and a happy retreat with those we love; among whom, my dear Willis
will always possess the first place in the breast of her
ever affectionate,
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    London, May 31.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    I send you this letter, franked by our old friend Barton; who is as much
altered as it was possible for a man of his kidney to be - Instead of the
careless, indolent sloven we knew at Oxford, I found him a busy talkative
politician; a petit-maître in his dress, and a ceremonious courtier in his
manners. He has not gall enough in his constitution to be enflamed with the
rancour of party, so as to deal in scurrilous invectives; but, since he obtained
a place, he is become a warm partizan of the ministry, and sees every thing
through such an exaggerating medium, as to me, who am happily of no party, is
altogether incomprehensible - Without all doubt, the fumes of faction not only
disturb the faculty of reason, but also pervert the organs of sense; and I would
lay a hundred guineas to ten, that if Barton on one side, and the most
conscientious patriot in the opposition on the other, were to draw, upon honour,
the picture of the k-- or m--, you and I, who are still uninfected, and
unbiased, would find both painters equally distant from the truth. One thing,
however, must be allowed for the honour of Barton, he never breaks out into
illiberal abuse, far less endeavours, by infamous calumnies, to blast the moral
character of any individual on the other side.
    Ever since we came hither, he has been remarkably assiduous in his attention
to our family; an attention, which, in a man of his indolence and avocations, I
should have thought altogether odd, and even unnatural, had not I perceived that
my sister Liddy has made some impression upon his heart. I can't say that I have
any objection to his trying his fortune in this pursuit: if an opulent estate
and a great stock of good-nature are sufficient qualifications in a husband, to
render the marriage-state happy for life, she may be happy with Barton; but, I
imagine, there is something else required to engage and secure the affection of
a woman of sense and delicacy: something which nature has denied our friend -
Liddy seems to be of the same opinion. When he addresses himself to her in
discourse, she seems to listen with reluctance, and industriously avoids all
particular communication; but in proportion to her coyness, our aunt is coming.
Mrs. Tabitha goes more than half way to meet his advances; she mistakes, or
affects to mistake, the meaning of his courtesy, which is rather formal and
fulsome; she returns his compliments with hyperbolical interest, she persecutes
him with her civilities at table, she appeals to him for ever in conversation,
she sighs, and flirts, and ogles, and by her hideous affectation and
impertinence, drives the poor courtier to the very extremity of his
complaisance: in short, she seems to have undertaken the siege of Barton's
heart, and carries on her approaches in such a desperate manner, that I don't
know whether he will not be obliged to capitulate. In the mean time, his
aversion to this inamorata struggling with his acquired affability, and his
natural fear of giving offence, throws him into a kind of distress which is
extremely ridiculous.
    Two days ago, he persuaded my uncle and me to accompany him to St. James's,
where he undertook to make us acquainted with the persons of all the great men
in the kingdom; and, indeed, there was a great assemblage of distinguished
characters, for it was a high festival at court. Our conductor performed his
promise with great punctuality. He pointed out almost every individual of both
sexes, and generally introduced them to our notice, with a flourish of
panegyrick - Seeing the king approach, »There comes (said he) the most amiable
sovereign that ever swayed the sceptre of England; the deliciæ humani generis;
Augustus, in patronizing merit; Titus Vespasian in generosity; Trajan in
beneficence; and Marcus Aurelius, in philosophy.« »A very honest kind-hearted
gentleman (added my uncle); he's too good for the times. A king of England
should have a spice of the devil in his composition.« Barton, then turning to
the duke of C--, proceeded, - »You know the duke; that illustrious hero, who
trod rebellion under his feet, and secured us in possession of every thing we
ought to hold dear, as Englishmen and Christians. Mark what an eye, how
penetrating, yet pacific! what dignity in his mien! what humanity in his aspect
- Even malice must own, that he is one of the greatest officers in Christendom.«
»I think he be (said Mr. Bramble); but who are these young gentlemen that stand
beside him?« »Those! (cried our friend) those are his royal nephews; the princes
of the blood. Sweet young princes! the sacred pledges of the Protestant line; so
spirited, so sensible, so princely -« »Yes; very sensible! very spirited! (said
my uncle, interrupting him) but see the queen! ha, there's the queen! - There's
the queen! let me see - Let me see - Where are my glasses? ha! there's meaning
in that eye - There's sentiment - There's expression - Well, Mr. Barton, what
figure do you call next!« The next person he pointed out, was the favourite
yearl; who stood solitary by one of the windows - »Behold yon northern star,
(says he) shorn of his beams - What! the Caledonian luminary, that lately blazed
so bright in our hemisphere! methinks, at present, it glimmers through a fog;
like Saturn without his ring, bleak, and dim, and distant - Ha, there's the
other great phænomenon, the grand pensionary, that weathercock of patriotism
that veers about in every point of the political compass, and still feels the
wind of popularity in his tail. He too, like a portentous comet, has risen again
above the court-horizon; but how long he will continue to ascend, it is not easy
to foretel, considering his great eccentricity - Who are those two satellites
that attend his motions?« When Barton told him their names, »To their characters
(said Mr. Bramble) I am no stranger. One of them, without a drop of red blood in
his veins, has a cold intoxicating vapour in his head; and rancour enough in his
heart to inoculate and affect a whole nation. The other is (I hear) intended for
a share in the ad--n, and the pensionary vouches for his being duly qualified -
The only instance I ever heard of his sagacity, was his deserting his former
patron, when he found him declining in power, and in disgrace with the people.
Without principle, talent, or intelligence, he is ungracious as a hog, greedy as
a vulture, and thievish as a jackdaw; but, it must be owned, he is no hypocrite.
He pretends to no virtue, and takes no pains to disguise his character - His
ministry will be attended with one advantage, no man will be disappointed by his
breach of promise, as no mortal ever trusted to his word. I wonder how lord --
first discovered this happy genius, and for what purpose lord -- has now adopted
him: but one would think, that as amber has a power to attract dirt, and straws,
and chaff, a minister is endued with the same kind of faculty, to lick up every
knave and blockhead in his way -« His elogium was interrupted by the arrival of
the old duke of N--; who, squeezing into the circle with a busy face of
importance, thrust his head into every countenance, as if he had been in search
of somebody, to whom he wanted to impart something of great consequence - My
uncle, who had been formerly known to him, bowed as he passed; and the duke,
seeing himself saluted so respectfully by a well-dressed person, was not slow in
returning the courtesy - He even came up, and, taking him cordially by the hand,
»My dear friend, Mr. A--, (said he), I am rejoiced to see you - How long have
you been come from abroad? - How did you leave our good friends, the Dutch? The
king of Prussia don't think of another war, ah? - He's a great king! a great
conqueror! a very great conqueror! Your Alexanders and Hannibals were nothing at
all to him, sir - Corporals! drummers! dross! mere trash - Damned trash, heh? -«
His grace being by this time out of breath, my uncle took the opportunity to
tell him he had not been out of England, that his name was Bramble, and that he
had the honour to sit in the last parliament but one of the late king, as
representative for the borough of Dymkymraig. »Odso! (cried the duke) I remember
you perfectly well, my dear Mr. Bramble - You was always a good and loyal
subject - a staunch friend to administration - I made your brother an Irish
bishop -« »Pardon me, my lord (said the 'squire) I once had a brother, but he
was a captain in the army -« »Ha! (said his grace) he was so - He was, indeed!
But who was the bishop then? Bishop Blackberry - Sure it was bishop Blackberry -
Perhaps some relation of yours -« »Very likely, my lord (replied my uncle); the
Blackberry is the fruit of the Bramble - But, I believe, the bishop is not a
berry of our bush -« »No more he is - No more he is, ha, ha, ha! (exclaimed the
duke) there you gave me a scratch, good Mr. Bramble, ha, ha, ha! - Well, I shall
be glad to see you at Lincoln's-inn-fields - You know the way - Times are
altered. Though I have lost the power, I retain the inclination - Your very
humble servant, good Mr. Blackberry -« So saying, he shoved to another corner of
the room. »What a fine old gentleman! (cried Mr. Barton) what spirits! what a
memory! - He never forgets an old friend.« »He does me too much honour,
(observed our 'squire) to rank me among the number - Whilst I sat in parliament,
I never voted with the ministry but three times, when my conscience told me they
were in the right: however, if he still keeps levee, I will carry my nephew
thither, that he may see, and learn to avoid the scene; for, I think, an English
gentleman never appears to such disadvantage, as at the levee of a minister - Of
his grace I shall say nothing at present, but that for thirty years he was the
constant and common butt of ridicule and execration. He was generally laughed at
as an ape in politics, whose office and influence served only to render his
folly the more notorious; and the opposition cursed him, as the indefatigable
drudge of a first-mover, who was justly stiled and stigmatized as the father of
corruption: but this ridiculous ape, this venal drudge, no sooner lost the
places he was so ill qualified to fill, and unfurled the banners of faction,
than he was metamorphosed into a pattern of public virtue; the very people who
reviled him before, now extolled him to the skies, as a wise, experienced
statesman, chief pillar of the Protestant succession, and corner stone of
English liberty. I should be glad to know how Mr. Barton reconciles these
contradictions, without obliging us to resign all title to the privilege of
common sense.« »My dear sir, (answered Barton) I don't pretend to justify the
extravagations of the multitude; who, I suppose, were as wild in their former
censure, as in their present praise: but I shall be very glad to attend you on
Thursday next to his grace's levee; where, I'm afraid, we shall not be crowded
with company; for, you know, there's a wide difference between his present
office of president of the council, and his former post of first lord
commissioner of the treasury.«
    This communicative friend having announced all the remarkable characters of
both sexes, that appeared at court, we resolved to adjourn, and retired. At the
foot of the stair-case, there was a crowd of laqueys and chairmen, and in the
midst of them stood Humphry Clinker, exalted upon a stool, with his hat in one
hand, and a paper in the other, in the act of holding forth to the people -
Before we could inquire into the meaning of this exhibition, he perceived his
master, thrust the paper into his pocket, descended from his elevation, bolted
through the crowd, and brought up the carriage to the gate.
    My uncle said nothing till we were seated, when, after having looked at me
earnestly for some time, he burst out a-laughing, and asked if I knew upon what
subject Clinker was holding forth to the mob - »If (said he) the fellow is
turned mountebank, I must turn him out of my service, otherwise he'll make Merry
Andrews of us all -« I observed, that, in all probability, he had studied
medicine under his master, who was a farrier. -
    At dinner, the 'squire asked him, if he had ever practised physic? »Yes, an
please your honour, (said he) among brute beasts; but I never meddle with
rational creatures.« »I know not whether you rank in that class the audience you
was harranguing in the court at St. James's, but I should be glad to know what
kind of powders you was distributing; and whether you had a good sale -« »Sale,
sir! (cried Clinker) I hope I shall never be base enough to sell for gold and
silver, what freely comes of God's grace. I distributed nothing, an like your
honour, but a word of advice to my fellows in servitude and sin.« »Advice!
concerning what?« »Concerning profane swearing, an please your honour; so horrid
and shocking, that it made my hair stand on end.« »Nay, if thou can'st cure them
of that disease, I shall think thee a wonderful doctor indeed -« »Why not cure
them, my good master? the hearts of those poor people are not so stubborn as
your honour seems to think - Make them first sensible that you have nothing in
view but their good, then they will listen with patience, and easily be
convinced of the sin and folly of a practice that affords neither profit nor
pleasure -« At this remark, our uncle changed colour, and looked round the
company, conscious that his own withers were not altogether unwrung. »But,
Clinker, (said he) if you should have eloquence enough to persuade the vulgar,
to resign those tropes and figures of rhetoric, there will be little or nothing
left to distinguish their conversation from that of their betters.« »But then
your honour knows, their conversation will be void of offence; and, at the day
of judgment, there will be no distinction of persons.«
    Humphry going down stairs to fetch up a bottle of wine, my uncle
congratulated his sister upon having such a reformer in the family; when Mrs.
Tabitha declared, he was a sober civilized fellow; very respectful, and very
industrious; and, she believed, a good Christian into the bargain. One would
think, Clinker must really have some very extraordinary talent, to ingratiate
himself in this manner with a virago of her character, so fortified against him
with prejudice and resentment; but the truth is, since the adventure of
Salt-hill, Mrs. Tabby seems to be entirely changed. She has left off scolding
the servants, an exercise which was grown habitual, and even seemed necessary to
her constitution; and is become so indifferent to Chowder, as to part with him
in a present to lady Griskin, who proposes to bring the breed of him into
fashion. Her ladyship is the widow of sir Timothy Griskin, a distant relation of
our family. She enjoys a jointure of five hundred pounds a-year, and makes shift
to spend three times that sum. Her character before marriage was a little
equivocal; but at present she lives in the bon ton, keeps card-tables, gives
private suppers to select friends, and is visited by persons of the first
fashion - She has been remarkably civil to us all, and cultivates my uncle with
the most particular regard; but the more she strokes him, the more his bristles
seem to rise - To her compliments he makes very laconic and dry returns -
T'other day, she sent us a pottle of fine strawberries, which he did not receive
without signs of disgust, muttering from the Æneid, timeo Danaos et Dona
ferentes. She has twice called for Liddy, of a forenoon, to take an airing in
the coach; but Mrs. Tabby was always so alert, (I suppose by his direction) that
she never could have the niece without her aunt's company - I have endeavoured
to sound Square-toes on this subject; but he carefully avoids all explanation.
    I have now, dear Phillips, filled a whole sheet; and if you have read it to
an end, I dare say, you are as tired as
Your humble servant,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    London, June 2.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Yes, Doctor, I have seen the British Museum; which is a noble collection, and
even stupendous, if we consider it was made by a private man, a physician, who
was obliged to make his own fortune at the same time: but great as the
collection is, it would appear more striking if it was arranged in one spacious
saloon, instead of being divided into different apartments, which it does not
entirely fill - I could wish the series of medals was connected, and the whole
of the animal, vegetable, and mineral kingdoms completed, by adding to each, at
the public expense, those articles that are wanting. It would likewise be a
great improvement, with respect to the library, if the deficiencies were made
up, by purchasing all the books of character that are not to be found already in
the collection - They might be classed in centuries, according to the dates of
their publication, and catalogues printed of them and the manuscripts, for the
information of those that want to consult, or compile from such authorities. I
could also wish, for the honour of the nation, that there was a complete
apparatus for a course of mathematics, mechanics, and experimental philosophy;
and a good salary settled upon an able professor, who should give regular
lectures on these subjects.
    But this is all idle speculation, which will never be reduced to practice -
Considering the temper of the times, it is a wonder to see any institution
whatsoever established, for the benefit of the public. The spirit of party is
risen to a kind of frenzy, unknown to former ages, or rather degenerated to a
total extinction of honesty and candour - You know I have observed, for some
time, that the public papers are become the infamous vehicles of the most cruel
and perfidious defamation: every rancorous knave - every desperate incendiary,
that can afford to spend half a crown or three shillings, may skulk behind the
press of a newsmonger, and have a stab at the first character in the kingdom,
without running the least hazard of detection or punishment.
    I have made acquaintance with a Mr. Barton, whom Jery knew at Oxford; a good
sort of a man, though most ridiculously warped in his political principles; but
his partiality is the less offensive, as it never appears in the stile of
scurrility and abuse. He is a member of parliament, and a retainer to the court;
and his whole conversation turns upon the virtues and perfections of the
ministers, who are his patrons. T'other day, when he was bedaubing one of those
worthies, with the most fulsome praise, I told him I had seen the same nobleman
characterized very differently, in one of the daily-papers; indeed, so
stigmatized, that if one half of what was said of him was true, he must be not
only unfit to rule, but even unfit to live: that those impeachments had been
repeated again and again, with the addition of fresh matter; and that as he had
taken no steps towards his own vindication, I began to think there was some
foundation for the charge. »And pray, sir, (said Mr. Barton) what steps would
you have him take? - Suppose he should prosecute the publisher, who screens the
anonymous accuser, and bring him to the pillory for a libel; this is so far from
being counted a punishment, in terrorem, that it will probably make his fortune.
The multitude immediately take him into their protection, as a martyr to the
cause of defamation, which they have always espoused - They pay his fine, they
contribute to the increase of his stock, his shop is crowded with customers, and
the sale of his paper rises in proportion to the scandal it contains. All this
time the prosecutor is inveighed against as a tyrant and oppressor, for having
chosen to proceed by the way of information, which is deemed a grievance; but if
he lays an action for damages, he must prove the damage, and I leave you to
judge, whether a gentleman's character may not be brought into contempt, and all
his views in life blasted by calumny, without his being able to specify the
particulars of the damage he has sustained.
    This spirit of defamation is a kind of heresy, that thrives under
persecution. The liberty of the press is a term of great efficacy; and, like
that of the Protestant religion, has often served the purposes of sedition - A
minister, therefore, must arm himself with patience, and bear those attacks
without repining - Whatever mischief they may do in other respects, they
certainly contribute, in one particular, to the advantage of government; for
those defamatory articles have multiplied papers in such a manner, and augmented
their sale to such a degree, that the duty upon stamps and advertisements has
made a very considerable addition to the revenue.« Certain it is, a gentleman's
honour is a very delicate subject to be handled by a jury, composed of men, who
cannot be supposed remarkable either for sentiment or impartiality - In such a
case, indeed, the defendant is tried, not only by his peers, but also by his
party; and I really think, that of all patriots, he is the most resolute who
exposes himself to such detraction, for the sake of his country - If, from the
ignorance or partiality of juries, a gentleman can have no redress from law, for
being defamed in a pamphlet or newspaper, I know but one other method of
proceeding against the publisher, which is attended with some risk, but has
been practised successfully, more than once, in my remembrance - - A regiment of
horse was represented, in one of the news-papers, as having misbehaved at
Dettingen; a captain of that regiment broke the publisher's bones, telling him,
at the same time, if he went to law, he should certainly have the like
salutation from every officer of the corps. Governor -- took the same
satisfaction on the ribs of an author, who traduced him by name in a periodical
paper - I know a low fellow of the same class, who, being turned out of Venice
for his impudence and scurrility, retired to Lugano, a town of the Grisons, (a
free people, God wot) where he found a printing press, from whence he squirted
his filth at some respectable characters in the republic, which he had been
obliged to abandon. Some of these, finding him out of the reach of legal
chastisement, employed certain useful instruments, such as may be found in all
countries, to give him the bastinado; which, being repeated more than once,
effectually stopped the current of his abuse.
    As for the liberty of the press, like every other privilege, it must be
restrained within certain bounds; for if it is carried to a breach of law,
religion, and charity, it becomes one of the greatest evils that ever annoyed
the community. If the lowest ruffian may stab your good-name with impunity in
England, will you be so uncandid as to exclaim against Italy for the practice of
common assassination? To what purpose is our property secured, if our moral
character is left defenceless? People thus baited, grow desperate; and the
despair of being able to preserve one's character, untainted by such vermin,
produces a total neglect of fame; so that one of the chief incitements to the
practice of virtue is effectually destroyed.
    Mr. Barton's last consideration, respecting the stamp-duty, is equally wise
and laudable with another maxim which has been long adopted by our financiers,
namely, to connive at drunkenness, riot, and dissipation, because they inhance
the receipt of the excise; not reflecting, that in providing this temporary
convenience, they are destroying the morals, health, and industry of the people
- Notwithstanding my contempt for those who flatter a minister, I think there is
something still more despicable in flattering a mob. When I see a man of birth,
education, and fortune, put himself on a level with the dregs of the people,
mingle with low mechanics, feed with them at the same board, and drink with them
in the same cup, flatter their prejudices, harangue in praise of their virtues,
expose themselves to the belchings of their beer, the fumes of their tobacco,
the grossness of their familiarity, and the impertinence of their conversation,
I cannot help despising him, as a man guilty of the vilest prostitution, in
order to effect a purpose equally selfish and illiberal.
    I should renounce politics the more willingly, if I could find other topics
of conversation discussed with more modesty and candour; but the dæmon of party
seems to have usurped every department of life. Even the world of literature and
taste is divided into the most virulent factions, which revile, decry, and
traduce the works of one another. Yesterday, I went to return an afternoon's
visit to a gentleman of my acquaintance, at whose house I found one of the
authors of the present age, who has written with some success - As I had read
one or two of his performances, which gave me pleasure, I was glad of this
opportunity to know his person; but his discourse and deportment destroyed all
the impressions which his writings had made in his favour. He took upon him to
decide dogmatically upon every subject, without deigning to show the least cause
for his differing from the general opinions of mankind, as if it had been our
duty to acquiesce in the ipse dixit of this new Pythagoras. He rejudged the
characters of all the principal authors, who had died within a century of the
present time; and, in this revision, paid no sort of regard to the reputation
they had acquired - Milton was harsh and prosaic; Dryden, languid and verbose;
Butler and Swift, without humour; Congreve, without wit; and Pope destitute of
any sort of poetical merit - As for his cotemporaries, he could not bear to hear
one of them mentioned with any degree of applause - They were all dunces,
pedants, plagiaries, quacks, and impostors; and you could not name a single
performance, but what was tame, stupid, and insipid. It must be owned, that this
writer had nothing to charge his conscience with, on the side of flattery; for,
I understand, he was never known to praise one line that was written, even by
those with whom he lived on terms of good-fellowship. This arrogance and
presumption, in depreciating authors, for whose reputation the company may be
interested, is such an insult upon the understanding, as I could not bear
without wincing.
    I desired to know his reasons for decrying some works, which had afforded me
uncommon pleasure; and, as demonstration did not seem to be his talent, I
dissented from his opinion with great freedom. Having been spoiled by the
deference and humility of his hearers, he did not bear contradiction with much
temper; and the dispute might have grown warm, had it not been interrupted by
the entrance of a rival bard, at whose appearance he always quits the place -
They are of different cabals, and have been at open war these twenty years - If
the other was dogmatical, this genius was declamatory: he did not discourse, but
harangue; and his orations were equally tedious and turgid. He too pronounces ex
cathedra upon the characters of his cotemporaries; and though he scruples not to
deal out praise, even lavishly, to the lowest reptile in Grubstreet who will
either flatter him in private, or mount the public rostrum as his panegyrist, he
damns all the other writers of the age, with the utmost insolence and rancour -
One is a blunderbuss, as being a native of Ireland; another, a half-starved
louse of literature, from the banks of the Tweed; a third, an ass, because he
enjoys a pension from the government; a fourth, the very angel of dullness;
because he succeeded in a species of writing in which this Aristarchus had
failed; a fifth, who presumed to make strictures upon one of his performances,
he holds as a bug in criticism, whose stench is more offensive than his sting -
In short, except himself and his myrmidons, there is not a man of genius or
learning in the three kingdoms. As for the success of those, who have written
without the pale of this confederacy, he imputes it entirely to want of taste in
the public; not considering, that to the approbation of that very tasteless
public, he himself owes all the consequence he has in life.
    Those originals are not fit for conversation. If they would maintain the
advantage they have gained by their writing, they should never appear but upon
paper - For my part, I am shocked to find a man have sublime ideas in his head,
and nothing but illiberal sentiments in his heart - The human soul will be
generally found most defective in the article of candour - I am inclined to
think, no mind was ever wholly exempt from envy; which, perhaps, may have been
implanted, as an instinct essential to our nature. I am afraid we sometimes
palliate this vice, under the specious name of emulation. I have known a person
remarkably generous, humane, moderate, and apparently self-denying, who could
not hear even a friend commended, without betraying marks of uneasiness; as if
that commendation had implied an odious comparison to his prejudice, and every
wreath of praise added to the other's character, was a garland plucked from his
own temples. This is a malignant species of jealousy, of which I stand acquitted
in my own conscience - Whether it is a vice, or an infirmity, I leave you to
inquire.
    There is another point, which I would much rather see determined; whether
the world was always as contemptible, as it appears to me at present? - If the
morals of mankind have not contracted an extraordinary degree of depravity,
within these thirty years, then must I be infected with the common vice of old
men, difficilis, querulus, laudator temporis acti; or, which is more probable,
the impetuous pursuits and avocations of youth have formerly hindered me from
observing those rotten parts of human nature, which now appear so offensively to
my observation.
    We have been at court, and 'change, and every where; and every where we find
food for spleen, and subject for ridicule - My new servant, Humphry Clinker,
turns out a great original; and Tabby is a changed creature - She has parted
with Chowder; and does nothing but smile, like Malvolio in the play - I'll be
hanged if she is not acting a part which is not natural to her disposition, for
some purpose which I have not yet discovered.
    With respect to the characters of mankind, my curiosity is quite satisfied:
I have done with the science of men, and must now endeavour to amuse myself with
the novelty of things. I am, at present, by a violent effort of the mind, forced
from my natural bias; but this power ceasing to act, I shall return to my
solitude with redoubled velocity. Every thing I see, and hear, and feel, in this
great reservoir of folly, knavery, and sophistication, contributes to inhance
the value of a country life, in the sentiments of
yours always,
                                                                    MAT. BRAMBLE
    London, June 2.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Mary Jones,
    Lady Griskin's botler, Mr. Crumb, having got 'squire Barton to frank me a
kiver, I would not neglect to let you know how it is with me, and the rest of
the family.
    I could not rite by John Thomas, for because he went away in a huff, at a
minute's warming. He and Chowder could not agree, and so they fitt upon the
road, and Chowder bitt his thumb, and he swore he would do him a mischief, and
he spoke saucy to mistress, whereby the 'squire turned him off in gudgeon; and
by God's providence we picked up another footman, called Umphry Klinker; a good
sole as ever broke bread; which shows that a scalded cat may prove a good
mouser, and a hound be staunch, thof he has got narro hare on his buttocks; but
the proudest nose may be bro't to the grinestone, by sickness and misfortunes.
    O Molly! what shall I say of London? All the towns that ever I beheld in my
born-days, are no more than Welsh barrows and crumlecks to this wonderful sitty!
Even Bath itself is but a fillitch, in the naam of God - One would think there's
no end of the streets, but the land's end. Then there's such a power of people,
going hurry skurry! Such a racket of coxes! Such a noise, and haliballoo! So
many strange sites to be seen! O gracious! my poor Welsh brain has been spinning
like a top ever since I came hither! And I have seen the Park, and the paleass
of Saint Gimses, and the king's and the queen's magisterial pursing, and the
sweet young princes, and the hillyfents, and pye-bald ass, and all the rest of
the royal family.
    Last week I went with mistress to the Tower, to see the crowns and wild
beastis; and there was a monstracious lion, with teeth half a quarter long; and
a gentleman bid me not go near him, if I wasn't't a maid; being as how he would
roar, and tear, and play the dickens - Now I had no mind to go near him; for I
cannot abide such dangerous honeymils, not I - but, mistress would go; and the
beast kept such a roaring and bouncing, that I tho't he would have broke his
cage and devoured us all; and the gentleman tittered forsooth; but I'll go to
death upon it, I will, that my lady is as good a firchin, as the child unborn;
and, therefore, either the gentleman told a fib, or the lion oft to be set in
the stocks for bearing false witness again his neighbour; for the commandment
sayeth, Thou shall not bear false witness again thy neighbour.
    I was afterwards of a party at Sadler's-wells, where I saw such tumbling and
dancing upon ropes and wires, that I was frightened, and ready to go into a fit
- I tho't it was all inchantment; and, believing myself bewitched, began for to
cry - You knows as how the witches in Wales fly upon broom-sticks; but here was
flying without any broom-stick, or thing in the varsal world, and firing of
pistols in the air, and blowing of trumpets, and swinging, and rolling of
wheel-barrows upon a wire, (God bless us!) no thicker than a sewing-thread;
that, to be sure, they must deal with the devil! - A fine gentleman, with a
pig's-tail, and a golden sord by his side, came to comfit me, and offered for to
treat me with a pint of wind; but I would not stay; and so, in going through the
dark passage, he began to show his cloven futt, and went for to be rude: my
fellow-sarvant, Umpry Klinker, bid him be sivil, and he gave the young man a
dowse in the chops; but, I fackins, Mr. Klinker wa'n't long in his debt - with a
good oaken sapling he dusted his doublet, for all his golden cheese-toaster; and
fipping me under his arm, carried me huom, I nose not how, being I was in such a
flustration - But, thank God! I'm now vaned from all such vanities; for what are
all those rarities and vagaries to the glory that shall be revealed hereafter? O
Molly! let not your poor heart be puffed up with vanity.
    I had almost forgot to tell you, that I have had my hair cut and pippered,
and singed, and bolstered, and buckled, in the newest fashion, by a French
freezer - Parley vow Francey - Vee madmansell - I now carries my head higher
than arrow private gentlewoman of Vales. Last night, coming huom from the
meeting, I was taken by lamp-light for an iminent poulterer's daughter, a great
beauty - But as I was saying, this is all vanity and vexation of spirit - The
pleasures of London are no better than sower whey and stale cyder, when compared
to the joys of the new Gerusalem.
    Dear Mary Jones! An please God when I return, I'll bring you a new cap, with
a turkey-shell come, and a pyehouse sermon, that was preached in the Tabernacle;
and I pray of all love, you will mind your vriting and your spilling; for,
craving your pardon, Molly, it made me suet to disseyffer your last scrabble,
which was delivered by the hind at Bath - O, voman! voman! if thou had'st but
the least consumption of what pleasure we scullers have, when we can cunster the
crabbidst buck off hand, and spell the ethnitch vords without lucking at the
primmer. As for Mr. Klinker, he is qualified to be clerk to a parish - But I'll
say no more - Remember me to Saul - poor sole! it goes to my hart to think she
don't yet know her letters - But all in God's good time - It shall go hard, but
I will bring her the A B C in ginger-bread; and that, you nose, will be learning
to her taste.
    Mistress says, we are going a long gurney to the North; but go where we
will, I shall ever be,
Dear Mary Jones,
yours with true infection,
                                                                    WIN. JENKINS
    London, June 3.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Wat,
    I mentioned in my last, my uncle's design of going to the duke of N--'s
levee; which design has been executed accordingly. His grace has been so long
accustomed to this kind of homage, that though the place he now fills does not
imply the tenth part of the influence, which he exerted in his former office, he
has given his friends to understand, that they cannot oblige him in any thing
more, than in contributing to support the shadow of that power, which he no
longer retains in substance; and therefore he has still public days, on which
they appear at his levee.
    My uncle and I went thither with Mr. Barton, who, being one of the duke's
adherents, undertook to be our introducer - The room was pretty well filled with
people, in a great variety of dress; but there was no more than one gown and
cassock, though I was told his grace had, while he was minister, preferred
almost every individual that now filled the bench of bishops in the house of
lords; but, in all probability, the gratitude of the clergy is like their
charity, which shuns the light - Mr. Barton was immediately accosted by a
person, well stricken in years, tall, and raw-boned, with a hook-nose, and an
arch leer, that indicated, at least, as much cunning as sagacity. Our conductor
saluted him, by the name of captain C--, and afterwards informed us he was a man
of shrewd parts, whom the government occasionally employed in secret services -
But I have had the history of him more at large, from another quarter - He had
been, many years ago, concerned in fraudulent practices, as a merchant, in
France; and being convicted of some of them, was sent to the gallies, from
whence he was delivered by the interest of the late duke of Ormond, to whom he
had recommended himself in letter, as his name-sake and relation - He was in the
sequel, employed by our ministry as a spy; and in the war of 1740, traversed all
Spain, as well as France, in the disguise of a capuchin, at the extreme hazard
of his life, in as much as the court of Madrid had actually got scent of him,
and given orders to apprehend him at St. Sebastian's, from whence he had
fortunately retired but a few hours before the order arrived. This and other
hair-breadth 'scapes he pleaded so effectually as a merit with the English
ministry, that they allowed him a comfortable pension, which he now enjoys in
his old age - He has still access to all the ministers, and is said to be
consulted by them on many subjects, as a man of uncommon understanding and great
experience - He is, in fact, a fellow of some parts, and invincible assurance;
and, in his discourse, he assumes such an air of self-sufficiency, as may very
well impose upon some of the shallow politicians, who now labour at the helm of
administration. But, if he is not belied, this is not the only imposture of
which he is guilty - They say, he is at bottom not only a Roman-catholic, but
really a priest; and while he pretends to disclose to our state-pilots all the
springs that move the cabinet of Versailles, he is actually picking up
intelligence for the service of the French minister - Be that as it may, captain
C-- entered into conversation with us in the most familiar manner, and treated
the duke's character without any ceremony - »This wise-acre (said he) is still
a-bed; and, I think, the best thing he can do, is to sleep on till Christmas;
for, when he gets up, he does nothing but expose his own folly. - Since
Granville was turned out, there has been no minister in this nation worth the
meal that whitened his periwig - They are so ignorant, they scarce know a crab
from a cauliflower; and then they are such dunces, that there's no making them
comprehend the plainest proposition - In the beginning of the war, this poor
half-witted creature told me, in a great fright, that thirty thousand French had
marched from Acadie to Cape Breton - Where did they find transports?« (said I)
»Transports! (cried he) I tell you, they marched by land -« By land to the
island of Cape Breton? »What! is Cape Breton an island?« Certainly. »Ha! are you
sure of that?« When I pointed it out in the map, he examined it earnestly with
his spectacles; then, taking me in his arms, »My dear C--! (cried he) you always
bring us good news - Egad! I'll go directly, and tell the king that Cape Breton
is an island -«
    He seemed disposed to entertain us with more anecdotes of this nature, at
the expense of his grace, when he was interrupted by the arrival of the Algerine
ambassador; a venerable Turk, with a long white beard, attended by his dragoman,
or interpreter, and another officer of his household, who had got no stockings
to his legs - Captain C-- immediately spoke with an air of authority to a
servant in waiting, bidding him go and tell the duke to rise, as there was a
great deal of company come, and, among others, the ambassador from Algiers -
Then, turning to us, »This poor Turk (said he) notwithstanding his grey beard,
is a green-horn - He has been several years resident in London, and still is
ignorant of our political revolutions. This visit is intended for the prime
minister of England; but you'll see how this wise duke will receive it as a mark
of attachment to his own person -« Certain it is, the duke seemed eager to
acknowledge the compliment - A door opening, he suddenly bolted out, with a
shaving-cloth under his chin, his face frothed up to the eyes with soap lather;
and, running up to the ambassador, grinned hideous in his face - »My dear
Mahomet! (said he) God love your long beard, I hope the dey will make you a
horse-tail at the next promotion, ha, ha, ha! - Have but a moment's patience,
and I'll send to you in a twinkling -« So saying, he retreated into his den,
leaving the Turk in some confusion. After a short pause, however, he said
something to his interpreter, the meaning of which I had great curiosity to
know, as he turned up his eyes while he spoke, expressing astonishment, mixed
with devotion - We were gratified by means of the communicative captain C--, who
conversed with the dragoman, as an old acquaintance. Ibrahim, the ambassador,
who had mistaken his grace for the minister's fool, was no sooner undeceived by
the interpreter, than he exclaimed to this effect - »Holy prophet! I don't
wonder that this nation prospers, seeing it is governed by the counsel of
ideots; a series of men, whom all good mussulmen revere as the organs of
immediate inspiration!« Ibrahim was favoured with a particular audience of short
duration; after which the duke conducted him to the door, and then returned to
diffuse his gracious looks among the crowd of his worshippers.
    As Mr. Barton advanced to present me to his grace, it was my fortune to
attract his notice, before I was announced - He forthwith met me more than half
way, and, seizing me by the hand, »My dear sir Francis! (cried he) this is so
kind - I vow to Gad! I am so obliged - Such attention to a poor broken minister
- Well - Pray when does your excellency set sail? - For God's sake have a care
of your health, and eat stewed prunes in the passage - Next to your own precious
health, pray, my dear excellency, take care of the Five Nations - Our good
friends the Five Nations - The Toryrories, the Maccolmacks, the Out-o'-the-ways,
the Crickets, and the Kickshaws - Let 'em have plenty of blankets, and
stinkubus, and wampum; and your excellency won't fail to scour the kettle, and
boil the chain, and bury the tree, and plant the hatchet - Ha, ha, ha!« When he
had uttered this rhapsody, with his usual precipitation, Mr. Barton gave him to
understand, that I was neither Sir Francis, nor St. Francis, but simply Mr.
Melford, nephew to Mr. Bramble; who, stepping forward, made his bow at the same
time. »Odso! no more it is Sir Francis - (said this wise statesman) Mr. Melford,
I'm glad to see you - I sent you an engineer to fortify your dock - Mr. Bramble
- your servant, Mr. Bramble - How d'ye, good Mr. Bramble? Your nephew is a
pretty young fellow - Faith and troth, a very pretty fellow! - His father is my
old friend - How does he hold it? Still troubled with that damned disorder, ha?«
»No, my lord, (replied my uncle) all his troubles are over - He has been dead
these fifteen years.« »Dead! how - Yes, faith! now I remember: he is dead, sure
enough - Well, and how - does the young gentleman stand for Haverford West? or -
a - what d'ye - My dear Mr. Milfordhaven, I'll do you all the service in my
power - I hope I have some credit left -« My uncle then gave him to understand,
that I was still a minor; and that we had no intention to trouble him at
present, for any favour whatsoever - »I came hither with my nephew (added he) to
pay our respects to your grace; and I may venture to say, that his views and
mine are at least as disinterested as those of any individual in this assembly.«
»My dear Mr. Brambleberry! you do me infinite honour - I shall always rejoice to
see you and your hopeful nephew, Mr. Milfordhaven - My credit, such as it is,
you may command - I wish we had more friends of your kidney -«
    Then, turning to captain C--, »Ha, C--! (said he) what news, C--? how does
the world wag? ha!« »The world wags much after the old fashion, my lord
(answered the captain): the politicians of London and Westminster have begun
again to wag their tongues against your grace; and your short-lived popularity
wags like a feather, which the next puff of antiministerial calumny will blow
away -« »A pack of rascals (cried the duke) - Tories, Jacobites, rebels; one
half of them would wag their heels at Tyburn, if they had their deserts -« So
saying, he wheeled about; and, going round the levee, spoke to every individual,
with the most courteous familiarity; but he scarce ever opened his mouth without
making some blunder, in relation to the person or business of the party with
whom he conversed; so that he really looked like a comedian, hired to burlesque
the character of a minister - At length, a person of a very prepossessing
appearance coming in, his grace ran up, and, hugging him in his arms, with the
appellation of »My dear Ch--s!« led him forthwith into the inner apartment, or
Sanctum Sanctorum of this political temple. »That (said captain C--) is my
friend C-- T--, almost the only man of parts who has any concern in the present
administration - Indeed, he would have no concern at all in the matter, if the
ministry did not find it absolutely necessary to make use of his talents upon
some particular occasions - As for the common business of the nation, it is
carried on in a constant routine by the clerks of the different offices,
otherwise the wheels of government would be wholly stopped amidst the abrupt
succession of ministers, every one more ignorant than his predecessor - I am
thinking what a fine hovel we should be in, if all the clerks of the treasury,
of the secretaries, the war-office, and the admiralty, should take it in their
heads to throw up their places in imitation of the great pensioner - But, to
return to C-- T--; he certainly knows more than all the ministry and all the
opposition, if their heads were laid together, and talks like an angel on a vast
variety of subjects - He would really be a great man, if he had any consistency
or stability of character - Then, it must be owned, he wants courage, otherwise
he would never allow himself to be cowed by the great political bully, for whose
understanding he has justly a very great contempt. I have seen him as much
afraid of that overbearing Hector, as ever schoolboy was of his pedagogue; and
yet this Hector, I shrewdly suspect, is no more than a craven at bottom -
Besides this defect, C-- has another, which he is at too little pains to hide -
There's no faith to be given to his assertions, and no trust to be put in his
promises - However, to give the devil his due, he's very good-natured; and even
friendly, when close urged in the way of solicitation - As for principle, that's
out of the question - in a word, he is a wit and an orator, extremely
entertaining, and he shines very often at the expense even of those ministers to
whom he is a retainer - This is a mark of great imprudence, by which he has made
them all his enemies, whatever face they may put upon the matter; and sooner or
later he'll have cause to wish he had been able to keep his own counsel - I have
several times cautioned him on this subject; but 'tis all preaching to the
desert - His vanity runs away with his discretion -« I could not help thinking
the captain himself might have been the better for some hints of the same nature
- His panegyric, excluding principle and veracity, puts me in mind of a contest
I once over-heard, in the way of altercation, betwixt two apple-women in
Spring-garden - One of those viragos having hinted something to the prejudice of
the other's moral character, her antagonist, setting her hands in her sides,
replied - »Speak out, hussy - I scorn your malice - I own I'm both a whore and a
thief; and what more have you to say? - Damn you, what more have you to say?
bating that, which all the world knows, I challenge you to say black is the
white of my eye -« We did not wait for Mr. T--'s coming forth; but after captain
C-- had characterised all the originals in waiting, we adjourned to a
coffee-house, where we had buttered muffins and tea to breakfast, the said
captain still favouring us with his company - Nay, my uncle was so diverted with
his anecdotes, that he asked him to dinner, and treated him with a fine turbot,
to which he did ample justice - That same evening I spent at the tavern with
some friends, one of whom let me into C--'s character, which Mr. Bramble no
sooner understood, than he expressed some concern for the connexion he had made,
and resolved to disengage himself from it without ceremony.
    We are become members of the Society for the Encouragement of the Arts, and
have assisted at some of their deliberations, which were conducted with equal
spirit and sagacity - My uncle is extremely fond of the institution, which will
certainly be productive of great advantages to the public, if, from its
democratical form, it does not degenerate into cabal and corruption - You are
already acquainted with his aversion to the influence of the multitude, which,
he affirms, is incompatible with excellence, and subversive of order - Indeed
his detestation of the mob has been heightened by fear, ever since he fainted in
the room at Bath; and this apprehension has prevented him from going to the
Little Theatre in the Hay-market, and other places of entertainment, to which,
however, I have had the honour to attend the ladies.
    It grates old Square-Toes to reflect, that it is not in his power to enjoy
even the most elegant diversions of the capital, without the participation of
the vulgar; for they now thrust themselves into all assemblies, from a ridotto
at St. James's, to a hop at Rotherhithe.
    I have lately seen our old acquaintance Dick Ivy, who we imagined had died
of dram-drinking; but he is lately emerged from the Fleet, by means of a
pamphlet which he wrote and published against the government with some success.
The sale of this performance enabled him to appear in clean linen, and he is now
going about soliciting subscriptions for his Poems; but his breeches are not yet
in the most decent order.
    Dick certainly deserves some countenance for his intrepidity and
perseverance - It is not in the power of disappointment, nor even of damnation,
to drive him to despair - After some unsuccessful essays in the way of poetry,
he commenced brandy-merchant, and I believe his whole stock ran out through his
own bowels; then he consorted with a milk-woman, who kept a cellar in Petty
France: but he could not make his quarters good; he was dislodged and driven up
stairs into the kennel by a corporal in the second regiment of footguards - He
was afterwards the laureat of Blackfriars, from whence there was a natural
transition to the Fleet - As he had formerly miscarried in panegyric, he now
turned his thoughts to satire, and really seems to have some talent for abuse.
If he can hold out till the meeting of the parliament, and be prepared for
another charge, in all probability Dick will mount the pillory, or obtain a
pension, in either of which events his fortune will be made - Mean while he has
acquired some degree of consideration with the respectable writers of the age;
and as I have subscribed for his works, he did me the favour t'other night to
introduce me to a society of those geniuses; but I found them exceedingly formal
and reserved - They seemed afraid and jealous of one another, and sat in a state
of mutual repulsion, like so many particles of vapour, each surrounded by its
own electrified atmosphere. Dick, who has more vivacity than judgment, tried
more than once to enliven the conversation; sometimes making an effort at wit,
sometimes letting off a pun, and sometimes discharging a conundrum; nay, at
length he started a dispute upon the hackneyed comparison betwixt blank verse
and rhyme, and the professors opened with great clamour; but, instead of keeping
to the subject, they launched out into tedious dissertations on the poetry of
the antients; and one of them, who had been a school-master, displayed his whole
knowledge of prosody, gleaned from Disputer and Ruddiman. At last, I ventured to
say, I did not see how the subject in question could be at all elucidated by the
practice of the antients, who certainly had neither blank verse nor rhyme in
their poems, which were measured by feet, whereas ours are reckoned by the
number of syllables - This remark seemed to give umbrage to the pedant, who
forthwith involved himself in a cloud of Greek and Latin quotations, which
nobody attempted to dispel - A confused hum of insipid observations and comments
ensued; and, upon the whole, I never passed a duller evening in my life - Yet,
without all doubt, some of them were men of learning, wit, and ingenuity. As
they are afraid of making free with one another, they should bring each his
butt, or whet-stone, along with him, for the entertainment of the company - My
uncle says, he never desires to meet with more than one wit at a time - One wit,
like a knuckle of ham in soup, gives a zest and flavour to the dish; but more
than one serves only to spoil the pottage - And now I'm afraid I have given you
an unconscionable mess, without any flavour at all; for which, I suppose, you
will bestow your benedictions upon
your friend,
and servant,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    London, June 5.
 

                                   Volume II

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Lewis,
    Your fable of the monkey and the pig, is what the Italians call been trovata:
but I shall not repeat it to my apothecary, who is a proud Scotchman, very thin
skinned, and, for aught I know, may have his degree in his pocket - A right
Scotchman has always two strings to his bow, and is in utrumque paratus -
Certain it is, I have not 'scaped a scouring; but, I believe, by means of that
scouring, I have 'scaped something worse, perhaps a tedious fit of the gout or
rheumatism; for my appetite began to flagg, and I had certain croakings in the
bowels, which boded me no good - Nay, I am not yet quite free of these
remembrances, which warn me to be gone from this centre of infection -
    What temptation can a man of my turn and temperament have, to live in a
place where every corner teems with fresh objects of detestation and disgust?
What kind of taste and organs must those people have, who really prefer the
adulterate enjoyments of the town to the genuine pleasures of a country retreat?
Most people, I know, are originally seduced by vanity, ambition, and childish
curiosity; which cannot be gratified, but in the busy haunts of men: but, in the
course of this gratification, their very organs of sense are perverted, and they
become habitually lost to every relish of what is genuine and excellent in its
own nature.
    Shall I state the difference between my town grievances, and my country
comforts? At Brambleton-hall, I have elbow-room within doors, and breathe a
clear, elastic, salutary air - I enjoy refreshing sleep, which is never
disturbed by horrid noise, nor interrupted, but in a-morning, by the sweet
twitter of the martlet at my window - I drink the virgin lymph, pure and
crystalline as it gushes from the rock, or the sparkling beveridge, home-brewed
from malt of my own making; or I indulge with cyder, which my own orchard
affords; or with claret of the best growth, imported for my own use, by a
correspondent on whose integrity I can depend; my bread is sweet and nourishing,
made from my own wheat, ground in my own mill, and baked in my own oven; my
table is, in a great measure, furnished from my own ground; my five-year old
mutton, fed on the fragrant herbage of the mountains, that might vie with
venison in juice and flavour; my delicious veal, fattened with nothing but the
mother's milk, that fills the dish with gravy; my poultry from the barn-door,
that never knew confinement, but when they were at roost; my rabbits panting
from the warren; my game fresh from the moors; my trout and salmon struggling
from the stream; oysters from their native banks; and herrings, with other
sea-fish, I can eat in four hours after they are taken - My sallads, roots, and
pot-herbs, my own garden yields in plenty and perfection; the produce of the
natural soil, prepared by moderate cultivation. The same soil affords all the
different fruits which England may call her own, so that my desert is every day
fresh-gathered from the tree; my dairy flows with nectarious tides of milk and
cream, from whence we derive abundance of excellent butter, curds, and cheese;
and the refuse fattens my pigs, that are destined for hams and bacon - I go to
bed betimes, and rise with the sun - I make shift to pass the hours without
weariness or regret, and am not destitute of amusements within doors, when the
weather will not permit me to go abroad - I read, and chat, and play at
billiards, cards, or back-gammon - Without doors, I superintend my farm, and
execute plans of improvement, the effects of which I enjoy with unspeakable
delight - Nor do I take less pleasure in seeing my tenants thrive under my
auspices, and the poor live comfortably by the employment which I provide - You
know I have one or two sensible friends, to whom I can open all my heart; a
blessing which, perhaps, I might have sought in vain among the crowded scenes of
life: there are a few others of more humble parts, whom I esteem for their
integrity; and their conversation I find inoffensive, though not very
entertaining. Finally, I live in the midst of honest men, and trusty dependants,
who, I flatter myself, have a disinterested attachment to my person - You,
yourself, my dear Doctor, can vouch for the truth of these assertions.
    Now, mark the contrast at London - I am pent up in frowzy lodgings, where
there is not room enough to swing a cat; and I breathe the steams of endless
putrefaction; and these would, undoubtedly, produce a pestilence, if they were
not qualified by the gross acid of sea-coal, which is itself a pernicious
nuisance to lungs of any delicacy of texture: but even this boasted corrector
cannot prevent those languid, sallow looks, that distinguish the inhabitants of
London from those ruddy swains that lead a country-life - I go to bed after
mid-night, jaded and restless from the dissipations of the day - I start every
hour from my sleep, at the horrid noise of the watchmen bawling the hour through
every street, and thundering at every door; a set of useless fellows, who serve
no other purpose but that of disturbing the repose of the inhabitants; and by
five o'clock I start out of bed, in consequence of the still more dreadful alarm
made by the country carts, and noisy rustics bellowing green pease under my
window. If I would drink water, I must quaff the maukish contents of an open
aqueduct, exposed to all manner of defilement; or swallow that which comes from
the river Thames, impregnated with all the filth of London and Westminster -
Human excrement is the least offensive part of the concrete, which is composed
of all the drugs, minerals, and poisons, used in mechanics and manufacture,
enriched with the putrefying carcases of beasts and men; and mixed with the
scourings of all the wash-tubs, kennels, and common sewers, within the bills of
mortality.
    This is the agreeable potation, extolled by the Londoners, as the finest
water in the universe - As to the intoxicating potion, sold for wine, it is a
vile, unpalatable, and pernicious sophistication, balderdashed with cyder,
corn-spirit, and the juice of sloes. In an action at law, laid against a carman
for having staved a cask of port, it appeared from the evidence of the cooper,
that there were not above five gallons of real wine in the whole pipe, which
held above a hundred, and even that had been brewed and adulterated by the
merchant at Oporto. The bread I eat in London, is a deleterious paste, mixed up
with chalk, alum, and bone-ashes; insipid to the taste, and destructive to the
constitution. The good people are not ignorant of this adulteration; but they
prefer it to wholesome bread, because it is whiter than the meal of corn: thus
they sacrifice their taste and their health, and the lives of their tender
infants, to a most absurd gratification of a mis-judging eye; and the miller, or
the baker, is obliged to poison them and their families, in order to live by his
profession. The same monstrous depravity appears in their veal, which is
bleached by repeated bleedings, and other villainous arts, till there is not a
drop of juice left in the body, and the poor animal is paralytic before it dies;
so void of all taste, nourishment, and savour, that a man might dine as
comfortably on a white fricasee of kid-skin gloves, or chip hats from Leghorn.
    As they have discharged the natural colour from their bread, their
butcher's-meat, and poultry, their cutlets, ragouts, fricasees, and sauces of
all kinds; so they insist upon having the complexion of their pot-herbs mended,
even at the hazard of their lives. Perhaps, you will hardly believe they can be
so mad as to boil their greens with brass half-pence, in order to improve their
colour; and yet nothing is more true - Indeed, without this improvement in the
colour, they have no personal merit. They are produced in an artificial soil,
and taste of nothing but the dunghills, from whence they spring. My cabbage,
cauliflower, and 'sparagus in the country, are as much superior in flavour to
those that are sold in Covent-garden, as my heath-mutton is to that of St.
James's market; which, in fact, is neither lamb nor mutton, but something
betwixt the two, gorged in the rank fens of Lincoln and Essex, pale, coarse, and
frowzy - As for the pork, it is an abominable carnivorous animal, fed with
horse-flesh and distillers' grains; and the poultry is all rotten, in
consequence of a fever, occasioned by the infamous practice of sewing up the
gut, that they may be the sooner fattened in coops, in consequence of this cruel
retention.
    Of the fish, I need say nothing in this hot weather, but that it comes
sixty, seventy, fourscore, and a hundred miles by land-carriage; a circumstance
sufficient, without any comment, to turn a Dutchman's stomach, even if his nose
was not saluted in every alley with the sweet flavour of fresh mackarel, selling
by retail - This is not the season for oysters; nevertheless, it may not be
amiss to mention, that the right Colchester are kept in slime-pits, occasionally
overflowed by the sea; and that the green colour, so much admired by the
voluptuaries of this metropolis, is occasioned by the vitriolic scum, which
rises on the surface of the stagnant and stinking water - Our rabbits are bred
and fed in the poulterer's cellar, where they have neither air nor exercise,
consequently they must be firm in flesh, and delicious in flavour; and there is
no game to be had for love or money.
    It must be owned, that Covent-garden affords some good fruit; which,
however, is always engrossed by a few individuals of overgrown fortune, at an
exorbitant price; so that little else than the refuse of the market falls to the
share of the community; and that is distributed by such filthy hands, as I
cannot look at without loathing. It was but yesterday that I saw a dirty
barrow-bunter in the street, cleaning her dusty fruit with her own spittle; and,
who knows but some fine lady of St. James's parish might admit into her delicate
mouth those very cherries, which had been rolled and moistened between the
filthy, and, perhaps, ulcerated chops of a St. Giles's huckster - I need not
dwell upon the pallid, contaminated mash, which they call strawberries; soiled
and tossed by greasy paws through twenty baskets crusted with dirt; and then
presented with the worst milk, thickened with the worst flour, into a bad
likeness of cream: but the milk itself should not pass unanalysed, the produce
of faded cabbage-leaves and sour draff, lowered with hot water, frothed with
bruised snails, carried through the streets in open pails, exposed to foul
rinsings, discharged from doors and windows, spittle, snot, and tobacco-quids
from foot-passengers, overflowings from mud-carts, spatterings from
coach-wheels, dirt and trash chucked into it by roguish boys for the joke's
sake, the spewings of infants, who have slabbered in the tin-measure, which is
thrown back in that condition among the milk, for the benefit of the next
customer; and, finally, the vermin that drops from the rags of the nasty drab
that vends this precious mixture, under the respectable denomination of
milk-maid.
    I shall conclude this catalogue of London dainties, with that table-beer,
guiltless of hops and malt, vapid and nauseous; much fitter to facilitate the
operation of a vomit, than to quench thirst and promote digestion; the tallowy
rancid mass, called butter, manufactured with candle-grease and kitchen-stuff;
and their fresh eggs, imported from France and Scotland. - Now, all these
enormities might be remedied with a very little attention to the article of
police, or civil regulation; but the wise patriots of London have taken it into
their heads, that all regulation is inconsistent with liberty; and that every
man ought to live in his own way, without restraint - Nay, as there is not sense
enough left among them, to be discomposed by the nuisances I have mentioned,
they may, for aught I care, wallow in the mire of their own pollution.
    A companionable man will, undoubtedly, put up with many inconveniences for
the sake of enjoying agreeable society. A facetious friend of mine used to say,
the wine could not be bad, where the company was agreeable; a maxim which,
however, ought to be taken cum grano salis: but what is the society of London,
that I should be tempted, for its sake, to mortify my senses, and compound with
such uncleanness as my soul abhors? All the people I see, are too much engrossed
by schemes of interest or ambition, to have any room left for sentiment or
friendship - Even in some of my old acquaintance, those schemes and pursuits
have obliterated all traces of our former connexion - Conversation is reduced to
party-disputes, and illiberal altercation - Social commerce, to formal visits
and card-playing - If you pick up a diverting original by accident, it may be
dangerous to amuse yourself with his oddities. He is generally a tartar at
bottom; a sharper, a spy, or a lunatic. Every person you deal with endeavours to
overreach you in the way of business; you are preyed upon by idle mendicants,
who beg in the phrase of borrowing, and live upon the spoils of the stranger -
Your tradesmen are without conscience, your friends without affection, and your
dependants without fidelity. -
    My letter would swell into a treatise, were I to particularize every cause
of offence that fills up the measure of my aversion to this, and every other
crowded city - Thank Heaven! I am not so far sucked into the vortex, but that I
can disengage myself without any great effort of philosophy - From this wild
uproar of knavery, folly, and impertinence, I shall fly with double relish to
the serenity of retirement, the cordial effusions of unreserved friendship, the
hospitality and protection of the rural gods; in a word, the jucunda oblivia
vitæ, which Horace himself had not taste enough to enjoy. -
    I have agreed for a good travelling-coach and four, at a guinea a-day, for
three months certain; and next week we intend to begin our journey to the North,
hoping still to be with you by the latter end of October - I shall continue to
write from every stage where we make any considerable halt, as often as any
thing occurs, which I think can afford you the least amusement. In the mean
time, I must beg you will superintend the economy of Barns, with respect to my
hay and corn harvests; assured that my ground produces nothing but what you may
freely call your own - On any other terms I should be ashamed to subscribe
myself
your unvariable friend,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    London, June 8.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart., of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    In my last, I mentioned my having spent an evening with a society of
authors, who seemed to be jealous and afraid of one another. My uncle was not at
all surprised to hear me say I was disappointed in their conversation. »A man
may be very entertaining and instructive upon paper, (said he) and exceedingly
dull in common discourse. I have observed, that those who shine most in private
company, are but secondary stars in the constellation of genius - A small stock
of ideas is more easily managed, and sooner displayed, than a great quantity
crowded together. There is very seldom any thing extraordinary in the appearance
and address of a good writer; whereas a dull author generally distinguishes
himself by some oddity or extravagance. For this reason, I fancy, that an
assembly of Grubs must be very diverting.«
    My curiosity being excited by this hint, I consulted my friend Dick Ivy, who
undertook to gratify it the very next day, which was Sunday last. - He carried
me to dine with S--, whom you and I have long known by his writings. - He lives
in the skirts of the town, and every Sunday his house is open to all unfortunate
brothers of the quill, whom he treats with beef, pudding, and potatoes, port,
punch, and Calvert's entire butt beer. - He has fixed upon the first day of the
week for the exercise of his hospitality, because some of his guests could not
enjoy it on any other, for reasons that I need not explain. I was civilly
received in a plain, yet decent habitation, which opened backwards into a very
pleasant garden, kept in excellent order; and, indeed, I saw none of the outward
signs of authorship, either in the house or the landlord, who is one of those
few writers of the age that stand upon their own foundation, without patronage,
and above dependence. If there was nothing characteristic in the entertainer,
the company made ample amends for his want of singularity.
    At two in the afternoon, I found myself one of ten mess-mates seated at
table; and, I question, if the whole kingdom could produce such another
assemblage of originals. Among their peculiarities, I do not mention those of
dress, which may be purely accidental. What struck me were oddities originally
produced by affectation, and afterwards confirmed by habit. One of them wore
spectacles at dinner, and another, his hat flapped; though (as Ivy told me) the
first was noted for having a seaman's eye, when a bailiff was in the wind; and
the other was never known to labour under any weakness or defect of vision,
except about five years ago, when he was complimented with a couple of black
eyes by a player, with whom he had quarrelled in his drink. A third wore a laced
stocking, and made use of crutches, because, once in his life, he had been laid
up with a broken leg, though no man could leap over a stick with more agility. A
fourth had contracted such an antipathy to the country, that he insisted upon
sitting with his back towards the window that looked into the garden, and when a
dish of cauliflower was set upon the table, he snuffed up volatile salts to keep
him from fainting; yet this delicate person was the son of a cottager, born
under a hedge, and had many years run wild among asses on a common. A fifth
affected distraction - When spoke to, he always answered from the purpose -
sometimes he suddenly started up, and rapped out a dreadful oath - sometimes he
burst out a-laughing - then he folded his arms, and sighed - and then he hissed
like fifty serpents.
    At first, I really thought he was mad, and, as he sat near me, began to be
under some apprehensions for my own safety, when our landlord, perceiving me
alarmed, assured me aloud that I had nothing to fear. »The gentleman (said he)
is trying to act a part, for which he is by no means qualified - if he had all
the inclination in the world, it is not in his power to be mad. His spirits are
too flat to be kindled into frenzy.« »'Tis no bad p-p-puff, how-ow-ever
(observed a person in a tarnished laced coat): aff-ffected m-mad-ness w-will
p-pass for w-wit w-with nine-ninet-teen out of t-twenty.« - »And affected
stuttering for humour: replied our landlord, tho', God knows, there is no
affinity betwixt them.« It seems, this wag, after having made some abortive
attempts in plain speaking, had recourse to this defect, by means of which he
frequently extorted the laugh of the company, without the least expense of
genius; and that imperfection, which he had at first counterfeited, was now
become so habitual, that he could not lay it aside.
    A certain winking genius, who wore yellow gloves at dinner, had, on his
first introduction, taken such offence at S--, because he looked and talked, and
ate and drank like any other man, that he spoke contemptuously of his
understanding ever after, and never would repeat his visit, until he had
exhibited the following proof of his caprice. Wat Wyvil, the poet, having made
some unsuccessful advances towards an intimacy with S--, at last gave him to
understand, by a third person, that he had written a poem in his praise, and a
satire against his person; that if he would admit him to his house, the first
should be immediately sent to press, but that if he persisted in declining his
friendship, he would publish the satire without delay. S-- replied, that he
looked upon Wyvil's panegyrick, as in effect, a species of infamy, and would
resent it accordingly with a good cudgel; but if he published the satire, he
might deserve his compassion, and had nothing to fear from his revenge. Wyvil
having considered the alternative, resolved to mortify S-- by printing the
panegyrick, for which he received a sound drubbing. Then he swore the peace
against the aggressor, who, in order to avoid a prosecution at law, admitted him
to his good graces. It was the singularity in S--'s conduct on this occasion,
that reconciled him to the yellow-gloved philosopher, who owned he had some
genius, and from that period cultivated his acquaintance.
    Curious to know upon what subjects the several talents of my fellow-guests
were employed, I applied to my communicative friend Dick Ivy, who gave me to
understand, that most of them were, or had been, understrappers, or journeymen,
to more creditable authors, for whom they translated, collated, and compiled, in
the business of book-making; and that all of them had, at different times,
laboured in the service of our landlord, though they had now set up for
themselves in various departments of literature. Not only their talents, but
also their nations and dialects were so various, that our conversation resembled
the confusion of tongues at Babel. We had the Irish brogue, the Scotch accent,
and foreign idiom, twanged off by the most discordant vociferation; for, as they
all spoke together, no man had any chance to be heard, unless he could bawl
louder than his fellows. It must be owned, however, there was nothing pedantic
in their discourse; they carefully avoided all learned disquisitions, and
endeavoured to be facetious; nor did their endeavours always miscarry - some
droll repartee passed, and much laughter was excited; and if any individual lost
his temper so far as to transgress the bounds of decorum, he was effectually
checked by the master of the feast, who exerted a sort of paternal authority
over this irritable tribe.
    The most learned philosopher of the whole collection, who had been expelled
the university for atheism, has made great progress in a refutation of lord
Bolingbroke's metaphysical works, which is said to be equally ingenious and
orthodox; but, in the mean time, he has been presented to the grand jury as a
public nuisance, for having blasphemed in an alehouse on the Lord's day. The
Scotchman gives lectures on the pronunciation of the English language, which he
is now publishing by subscription.
    The Irishman is a political writer, and goes by the name of my Lord Potatoe.
He wrote a pamphlet in vindication of a minister, hoping his zeal would be
rewarded with some place or pension; but finding himself neglected in that
quarter, he whispered about, that the pamphlet was written by the minister
himself, and he published an answer to his own production. In this he addressed
the author under the title of your lordship with such solemnity that the public
swallowed the deceit, and bought up the whole impression. The wise politicians
of the metropolis declared they were both masterly performances, and chuckled
over the flimsy reveries of an ignorant garretteer, as the profound speculations
of a veteran statesman, acquainted with all the secrets of the cabinet. The
imposture was detected in the sequel, and our Hibernian pamphleteer retains no
part of his assumed importance, but the bare title of my lord, and the upper
part of the table at the potatoe-ordinary in Shoe-lane.
    Opposite to me sat a Piedmontese, who had obliged the public with a humorous
satire, intituled, The Balance of the English Poets, a performance which evinced
the great modesty and taste of the author, and, in particular, his intimacy with
the elegancies of the English language. The sage, who laboured under the
agropobia or horror of green fields, had just finished a treatise on practical
agriculture, though, in fact, he had never seen corn growing in his life, and
was so ignorant of grain, that our entertainer, in the face of the whole
company, made him own, that a plate of hominy was the best rice pudding he had
ever eat.
    The stutterer had almost finished his travels through Europe and part of
Asia, without ever budging beyond the liberties of the King's Bench, except in
term-time, with a tipstaff for his companion; and as for little Tim Cropdale,
the most facetious member of the whole society, he had happily wound up the
catastrophe of a virgin tragedy, from the exhibition of which he promised
himself a large fund of profit and reputation. Tim had made shift to live many
years by writing novels, at the rate of five pounds a volume; but that branch of
business is now engrossed by female authors, who publish merely for the
propagation of virtue, with so much ease and spirit, and delicacy, and knowledge
of the human heart, and all in the serene tranquillity of high life, that the
reader is not only enchanted by their genius, but reformed by their morality.
    After dinner, we adjourned into the garden, where, I observed, Mr. S-- gave
a short separate audience to every individual in a small remote filbert walk,
from whence most of them dropped off one after another, without further ceremony;
but they were replaced by fresh recruits of the same clan, who came to make an
afternoon's visit; and, among others, a spruce bookseller, called Birkin, who
rode his own gelding, and made his appearance in a pair of new jemmy boots, with
massy spurs of plate. It was not without reason, that this midwife of the Muses
used exercise a-horseback, for he was too fat to walk a-foot, and he underwent
some sarcasms from Tim Cropdale, on his unweildy size and inaptitude for motion.
Birkin, who took umbrage at this poor author's petulance in presuming to joke
upon a man so much richer than himself, told him, he was not so unweildy but
that he could move the Marshalsea court for a writ, and even overtake him with
it, if he did not very speedily come and settle accounts with him, respecting
the expense of publishing his last Ode to the king of Prussia, of which he had
sold but three, and one of them was to Whitefield the methodist. Tim affected to
receive this intimation with good humour, saying, he expected in a post or two,
from Potsdam, a poem of thanks from his Prussian majesty, who knew very well how
to pay poets in their own coin; but, in the mean time, he proposed, that Mr.
Birkin and he should run three times round the garden for a bowl of punch, to be
drank at Ashley's in the evening, and he would run boots against stockings. The
bookseller, who valued himself upon his mettle, was persuaded to accept the
challenge, and he forthwith resigned his boots to Cropdale, who, when he had put
them on, was no bad representation of captain Pistol in the play.
    Every thing being adjusted, they started together with great impetuosity,
and, in the second round, Birkin had clearly the advantage, larding the lean
earth as he puff'd along. Cropdale had no mind to contest the victory further;
but, in a twinkling, disappeared through the back-door of the garden, which
opened into a private lane, that had communication with the high road. - The
spectators immediately began to hollow, »Stole away!« and Birkin set off in
pursuit of him with great eagerness; but he had not advanced twenty yards in the
lane, when a thorn running into his foot, sent him hopping back into the garden,
roaring with pain, and swearing with vexation. When he was delivered from this
annoyance by the Scotchman, who had been bred to surgery, he looked about him
wildly, exclaiming, »Sure, the fellow won't be such a rogue as to run clear away
with my boots!« Our landlord, having reconnoitred the shoes he had left, which,
indeed, hardly deserved that name, »Pray, (said he) Mr. Birkin, wa'n't your
boots made of calf-skin?« »Calf-skin or cow-skin, (replied the other) I'll find
a slip of sheep-skin that will do his business - I lost twenty pounds by his
farce, which you persuaded me to buy - I am out of pocket five pounds by his
damn'd ode; and now this pair of boots, bran new, cost me thirty shillings, as
per receipt. - But this affair of the boots is felony - transportation. - I'll
have the dog indicted at the Old Bailey - I will, Mr. S--. I will be reveng'd,
even though I should lose my debt in consequence of his conviction.«
    Mr. S-- said nothing at present, but accommodated him with a pair of shoes;
then ordered his servant to rub him down, and comfort him with a glass of
rum-punch, which seemed, in a great measure, to cool the rage of his
indignation. »After all, (said our landlord) this is no more than a humbug in
the way of wit, though it deserves a more respectable epithet, when considered
as an effort of invention. Tim, being (I suppose) out of credit with the
cordwainer, fell upon this ingenious expedient to supply the want of shoes,
knowing that Mr. Birkin, who loves humour, would himself relish the joke upon a
little recollection. Cropdale literally lives by his wit, which he has exercised
upon all his friends in their turns. He once borrowed my poney for five or six
days to go to Salisbury, and sold him in Smithfield at his return. This was a
joke of such a serious nature, that, in the first transports of my passion, I
had some thoughts of prosecuting him for horse-stealing; and even when my
resentment had in some measure subsided, as he industriously avoided me, I
vowed, I would take satisfaction on his ribs with the first opportunity. One
day, seeing him at some distance in the street, coming towards me, I began to
prepare my cane for action, and walked in the shadow of a porter, that he might
not perceive me soon enough to make his escape; but, in the very instant I had
lifted up the instrument of correction, I found Tim Cropdale metamorphosed into
a miserable blind wretch, feeling his way with a long stick from post to post,
and rolling about two bald unlighted orbs instead of eyes. I was exceedingly
shocked at having so narrowly escaped the concern and disgrace that would have
attended such a misapplication of vengeance: but, next day, Tim prevailed upon a
friend of mine to come and solicit my forgiveness, and offer his note, payable
in six weeks, for the price of the poney. - This gentleman gave me to
understand, that the blind man was no other than Cropdale, who having seen me
advancing, and guessing my intent, had immediately converted himself into the
object aforesaid. - I was so diverted at the ingenuity of the evasion, that I
agreed to pardon his offence, refusing his note, however, that I might keep a
prosecution for felony hanging over his head, as a security for his future good
behaviour - But Timothy would by no means trust himself in my hands till the
note was accepted - then he made his appearance at my door as a blind beggar,
and imposed in such a manner upon my man, who had been his old acquaintance and
pot-companion, that the fellow threw the door in his face, and even threatened
to give him the bastinado. Hearing a noise in the hall, I went thither, and
immediately recollecting the figure I had passed in the street, accosted him by
his own name, to the unspeakable astonishment of the footman.«
    Birkin declared he loved a joke as well as another; but asked if any of the
company could tell where Mr. Cropdale lodged, that he might send him a proposal
about restitution, before the boots should be made away with. »I would willingly
give him a pair of new shoes, (said he) and half a guinea into the bargain, for
the boots, which fitted me like a glove; and I shan't be able to get the fellows
of them till the good weather for riding is over.« The stuttering wit declared,
that the only secret which Cropdale ever kept, was the place of his lodgings;
but, he believed, that, during the heats of summer, he commonly took his repose
upon a bulk, or indulged himself, in fresco, with one of the kennel-nymphs,
under the portico of St. Martin's church. »Pox on him! (cried the bookseller) he
might as well have taken my whip and spurs - In that case, he might have been
tempted to steal another horse, and then he would have rid to the devil of
course.«
    After coffee, I took my leave of Mr. S--, with proper acknowledgments of his
civility, and was extremely well pleased with the entertainment of the day,
though not yet satisfied, with respect to the nature of this connexion, betwixt
a man of character in the literary world, and a parcel of authorlings, who, in
all probability, would never be able to acquire any degree of reputation by
their labours. On this head I interrogated my conductor, Dick Ivy, who answered
me to this effect - »One would imagine S-- had some view to his own interest, in
giving countenance and assistance to those people, whom he knows to be bad men,
as well as bad writers; but, if he has any such view, he will find himself
disappointed; for if he is so vain as to imagine he can make them subservient to
his schemes of profit or ambition, they are cunning enough to make him their
property in the mean time. There is not one of the company you have seen to-day
(myself excepted) who does not owe him particular obligations. - One of them he
bailed out of a spunging-house, and afterwards paid the debt - another he
translated into his family, and clothed, when he was turned out half naked from
jail in consequence of an act for the relief of insolvent debtors - a third, who
was reduced to a woollen nightcap, and lived upon sheeps' trotters, up three
pair of stairs backward in Butcher-row, he took into present pay and free
quarters, and enabled him to appear as a gentleman, without having the fear of
sheriff's officers before his eyes. Those who are in distress he supplies with
money when he has it, and with his credit when he is out of cash. When they want
business, he either finds employment for them in his own service, or recommends
them to booksellers to execute some project he has formed for their subsistence.
They are always welcome to his table, (which, though plain, is plentiful) and to
his good offices as far as they will go; and when they see occasion, they make
use of his name with the most petulant familiarity; nay, they do not even
scruple to arrogate to themselves the merit of some of his performances, and
have been known to sell their own lucubrations as the produce of his brain. The
Scotchman you saw at dinner once personated him at an ale-house in
West-Smithfield, and, in the character of S--, had his head broke by a
cow-keeper, for having spoke disrespectfully of the Christian religion; but he
took the law of him in his own person, and the assailant was fain to give him
ten pounds to withdraw his action.«
    I observed, that all this appearance of liberality on the side of Mr. S--
was easily accounted for, on the supposition that they flattered him in private,
and engaged his adversaries in public; and yet I was astonished, when I
recollected that I often had seen this writer virulently abused in papers,
poems, and pamphlets, and not a pen was drawn in his defence. - »But you will be
more astonished (said he) when I assure you, those very guests whom you saw at
his table to-day, were the authors of great part of that abuse; and he himself
is well aware of their particular favours, for they are all eager to detect and
betray one another.« - »But this is doing the devil's work for nothing (cried
I). What should induce them to revile their benefactor without provocation?«
»Envy (answered Dick) is the general incitement; but they are galled by an
additional scourge of provocation. S-- directs a literary journal, in which
their productions are necessarily brought to trial; and though many of them have
been treated with such lenity and favour as they little deserved, yet the
slightest censure, such as, perhaps, could not be avoided with any pretensions
to candour and impartiality, has rankled in the hearts of those authors to such
a degree, that they have taken immediate vengeance on the critic in anonymous
libels, letters, and lampoons. Indeed, all the writers of the age, good, bad,
and indifferent, from the moment he assumed this office, became his enemies,
either professed or in petto, except those of his friends who knew they had
nothing to fear from his strictures; and he must be a wiser man than me, who can
tell what advantage or satisfaction he derives from having brought such a nest
of hornets about his ears.«
    I owned, that was a point which might deserve consideration; but still I
expressed a desire to know his real motives for continuing his friendship to a
set of rascals equally ungrateful and insignificant. - He said, he did not
pretend to assign any reasonable motive; that, if the truth must be told, the
man was, in point of conduct, a most incorrigible fool; that, though he
pretended to have a knack at hitting off characters, he blundered strangely in
the distribution of his favours, which were generally bestowed on the most
undeserving of those who had recourse to his assistance; that, indeed, this
preference was not so much owing to want of discernment as to want of
resolution, for he had not fortitude enough to resist the importunity even of
the most worthless; and, as he did not know the value of money, there was very
little merit in parting with it so easily; that his pride was gratified in
seeing himself courted by such a number of literary dependants; that, probably,
he delighted in hearing them expose and traduce one another; and, finally, from
their information, he became acquainted with all the transactions of
Grub-street, which he had some thoughts of compiling, for the entertainment of
the public.
    I could not help suspecting, from Dick's discourse, that he had some
particular grudge against S--, upon whose conduct he had put the worst
construction it would bear; and, by dint of cross-examination, I found he was
not at all satisfied with the character which had been given in the Review of
his last performance, though it had been treated civilly, in consequence of the
author's application to the critic. By all accounts, S-- is not without weakness
and caprice; but he is certainly good-humoured and civilized; nor do I find,
that there is any thing over-bearing, cruel, or implacable in his disposition.
    I have dwelt so long upon authors, that you will perhaps suspect I intend to
enroll myself among the fraternity; but, if I were actually qualified for the
profession, it is at best but a desperate resource against starving, as it
affords no provision for old age and infirmity. Salmon, at the age of fourscore,
is now in a garret, compiling matter, at a guinea a sheet for a modern
historian, who, in point of age, might be his grand-child; and Psalmonazar,
after having drudged half a century in the literary mill, in all the simplicity
and abstinence of an Asiatic, subsists upon the charity of a few booksellers,
just sufficient to keep him from the parish - I think Guy, who was himself a
bookseller, ought to have appropriated one wing or ward of his hospital to the
use of decayed authors; though, indeed, there is neither hospital, college, nor
work-house, within the bills of mortality, large enough to contain the poor of
this society, composed, as it is, from the refuse of every other profession.
    I know not whether you will find any amusement in this account of an odd
race of mortals, whose constitution had, I own, greatly interested the curiosity
of
Yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    London, June 10.
 

                     To Miss Lætitia Willis, at Gloucester

My dear Letty,
    There is something on my spirits, which I should not venture to communicate
by the post, but having the opportunity of Mrs. Brentwood's return, I seize it
eagerly to disburthen my poor heart, which is oppressed with fear and vexation.
- O Letty! what a miserable situation it is, to be without a friend to whom one
can apply for counsel and consolation in distress! I hinted in my last, that one
Mr. Barton had been very particular in his civilities: I can no longer mistake
his meaning - he has formally professed himself my admirer; and, after a
thousand assiduities, perceiving I made but a cold return to his addresses, he
had recourse to the mediation of lady Griskin, who has acted the part of a very
warm advocate in his behalf: - but, my dear Willis, her ladyship over-acts her
part - she not only expatiates on the ample fortune, the great connexions, and
the unblemished character of Mr. Barton, but she takes the trouble to catechise
me; and, two days ago, peremptorily told me, that a girl of my age could not
possibly resist so many considerations, if her heart was not pre-engaged.
    This insinuation threw me into such a flutter, that she could not but
observe my disorder; and, presuming upon the discovery, insisted upon my making
her the confidante of my passion. But, although I had not such command of myself
as to conceal the emotion of my heart, I am not such a child as to disclose its
secrets to a person who would certainly use them to its prejudice. I told her,
it was no wonder if I was out of countenance at her introducing a subject of
conversation so unsuitable to my years and inexperience; that I believed Mr.
Barton was a very worthy gentleman, and I was much obliged to him for his good
opinion; but the affections were involuntary, and mine, in particular, had as
yet made no concessions in his favour. She shook her head with an air of
distrust that made me tremble; and observed, that if my affections were free,
they would submit to the decision of prudence, especially when enforced by the
authority of those who had a right to direct my conduct. This remark implied a
design to interest my uncle or my aunt, perhaps my brother, in behalf of Mr.
Barton's passion; and I am sadly afraid that my aunt is already gained over.
Yesterday in the forenoon, he had been walking with us in the Park, and stopping
in our return at a toy-shop, he presented her with a very fine snuff-box, and me
with a gold etuis, which I resolutely refused, till she commanded me to accept
it on pain of her displeasure: nevertheless, being still unsatisfied with
respect to the propriety of receiving this toy, I signified my doubts to my
brother, who said he would consult my uncle on the subject, and seemed to think
Mr. Barton had been rather premature in his presents.
    What will be the result of this consultation, Heaven knows; but I am afraid
it will produce an explanation with Mr. Barton, who will, no doubt, avow his
passion, and solicit their consent to a connexion which my soul abhors; for, my
dearest Letty, it is not in my power to love Mr. Barton, even if my heart was
untouched by any other tenderness. Not that there is any thing disagreeable
about his person, but there is a total want of that nameless charm which
captivates and controuls the inchanted spirit - at least, he appears to me to
have this defect; but if he had all the engaging qualifications which a man can
possess, they would be excited in vain against that constancy, which, I flatter
myself, is the characteristic of my nature. No, my dear Willis, I may be
involved in fresh troubles, and I believe I shall, from the importunities of
this gentleman and the violence of my relations; but my heart is incapable of
change.
    You know, I put no faith in dreams; and yet I have been much disturbed by
one that visited me last night. - I thought I was in a church, where a certain
person, whom you know, was on the point of being married to my aunt; that the
clergyman was Mr. Barton, and that poor forlorn I stood weeping in a corner,
half naked, and without shoes or stockings. - Now, I know there is nothing so
childish as to be moved by those vain illusions; but, nevertheless, in spite of
all my reason, this hath made a strong impression upon my mind, which begins to
be very gloomy. Indeed, I have another more substantial cause of affliction - I
have some religious scruples, my dear friend, which lie heavy on my conscience.
- I was persuaded to go to the Tabernacle, where I heard a discourse that
affected me deeply. - I have prayed fervently to be enlightened, but as yet I am
not sensible of these inward motions, those operations of grace, which are the
signs of a regenerated spirit; and therefore I begin to be in terrible
apprehensions about the state of my poor soul. Some of our family have had very
uncommon accessions, particularly my aunt and Mrs. Jenkins, who sometimes speak
as if they were really inspired; so that I am not like to want for either
exhortation or example, to purify my thoughts, and recall them from the vanities
of this world, which, indeed, I would willingly resign, if it was in my power;
but to make this sacrifice, I must be enabled by such assistance from above as
hath not yet been indulged to
Your unfortunate friend,
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    June 10.
 

                To Sir Watkin Phillips, of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    The moment I received your letter, I began to execute your commission - With
the assistance of mine host at the Bull and Gate, I discovered the place to
which your fugitive valet had retreated, and taxed him with his dishonesty - The
fellow was in manifest confusion at sight of me, but he denied the charge with
great confidence, till I told him, that if he would give up the watch, which was
a family piece, he might keep the money and the clothes, and go to the devil his
own way, at his leisure; but if he rejected this proposal, I would deliver him
forthwith to the constable, whom I had provided for that purpose, and he would
carry him before the justice without further delay. After some hesitation, he
desired to speak with me in the next room, where he produced the watch, with all
its appendages, and I have delivered it to our landlord, to be sent you by the
first safe conveyance - So much for business.
    I shall grow vain, upon your saying you find entertainment in my letters;
barren, as they certainly are, of incident and importance, because your
amusement must arise, not from the matter, but from the manner, which you know
is all my own - Animated, therefore, by the approbation of a person, whose nice
taste and consummate judgment I can no longer doubt, I will cheerfully proceed
with our memoirs - As it is determined we shall set out next week for Yorkshire,
I went to-day in the forenoon with my uncle to see a carriage, belonging to a
coach-maker in our neighbourhood - Turning down a narrow lane, behind Longacre,
we perceived a crowd of people standing at a door; which, it seems, opened into
a kind of a methodist meeting, and were informed, that a footman was then
holding forth to the congregation within. Curious to see this phoenomenon, we
squeezed into the place with much difficulty; and who should this preacher be,
but the identical Humphry Clinker. He had finished his sermon, and given out a
psalm, the first stave of which he sung with peculiar graces - But if we were
astonished to see Clinker in the pulpit, we were altogether confounded at
finding all the females of our family among the audience - There was lady
Griskin, Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, my sister Liddy, and Mr.
Barton, and all of them joined in the psalmody, with strong marks of devotion.
    I could hardly keep my gravity on this ludicrous occasion; but old
Square-toes was differently affected - The first thing that struck him, was the
presumption of his lacquey, whom he commanded to come down, with such an air of
authority as Humphry did not think proper to disregard. He descended
immediately, and all the people were in commotion. Barton looked exceedingly
sheepish, lady Griskin flirted her fan, Mrs. Tabby groaned in spirit, Liddy
changed countenance, and Mrs. Jenkins sobbed as if her heart was breaking - My
uncle, with a sneer, asked pardon of the ladies, for having interrupted their
devotion, saying, he had particular business with the preacher, whom he ordered
to call a hackney-coach. This being immediately brought up to the end of the
lane, he handed Liddy into it, and my aunt and I following him, we drove home,
without taking any further notice of the rest of the company, who still remained
in silent astonishment.
    Mr. Bramble, perceiving Liddy in great trepidation, assumed a milder aspect,
bidding her be under no concern, for he was not at all displeased at any thing
she had done - »I have no objection (said he) to your being religiously
inclined; but I don't think my servant is a proper ghostly director, for a
devotee of your sex and character - if, in fact, (as I rather believe) your aunt
is not the sole conductress of this machine -« Mrs. Tabitha made no answer, but
threw up the white of her eyes, as if in the act of ejaculation - Poor Liddy
said she had no right to the title of a devotee; that she thought there was no
harm in hearing a pious discourse, even if it came from a footman, especially as
her aunt was present; but that if she had erred from ignorance, she hoped he
would excuse it, as she could not bear the thoughts of living under his
displeasure. The old gentleman, pressing her hand with a tender smile, said she
was a good girl, and that he did not believe her capable of doing any thing that
could give him the least umbrage or disgust.
    When we arrived at our lodgings, he commanded Mr. Clinker to attend him up
stairs, and spoke to him in these words - »Since you are called upon by the
spirit to preach and to teach, it is high time to lay aside the livery of an
earthly master; and, for my part, I am unworthy to have an apostle in my service
-« »I hope (said Humphry) I have not failed in my duty to your honour - I should
be a vile wretch if I did, considering the misery from which your charity and
compassion relieved me - but having an inward admonition of the spirit -« »An
admonition of the devil - (cried the 'squire, in a passion) What admonition, you
blockhead? - What right has such a fellow as you to set up for a reformer?«
»Begging your honour's pardon, (replied Clinker) may not the new light of God's
grace shine upon the poor and the ignorant in their humility, as well as upon
the wealthy, and the philosopher in all his pride of human learning?« »What you
imagine to be the new light of grace, (said his master) I take to be a deceitful
vapour, glimmering through a crack in your upper story - In a word, Mr. Clinker,
I will have no light in my family but what pays the king's taxes, unless it be
the light of reason, which you don't pretend to follow.«
    »Ah, sir! (cried Humphry) the light of reason, is no more in comparison to
the light I mean, than a farthing candle to the sun at noon -« »Very true, (said
uncle) the one will serve to show you your way, and the other to dazzle and
confound your weak brain - Heark-ye, Clinker, you are either an hypocritical
knave, or a wrong-headed enthusiast; and, in either case, unfit for my service -
If you are a quack in sanctity and devotion, you will find it an easy matter to
impose upon silly women, and others of crazed understanding, who will contribute
lavishly for your support - if you are really seduced by the reveries of a
disturbed imagination, the sooner you lose your senses entirely, the better for
yourself and the community. In that case, some charitable person might provide
you with a dark room and clean straw in Bedlam, where it would not be in your
power to infect others with your fanaticism; whereas, if you have just
reflection enough left to maintain the character of a chosen vessel in the
meetings of the godly, you and your hearers will be misled by a Will-i'the-wisp,
from one error into another, till you are plunged into religious frenzy; and
then, perhaps, you will hang yourself in despair -« »Which the Lord of his
infinite mercy forbid! (exclaimed the affrighted Clinker) It is very possible I
may be under the temptation of the devil, who wants to wreck me on the rocks of
spiritual pride - Your honour says, I am either a knave or a madman; now, as
I'll assure your honour I am no knave, it follows that I must be mad; therefore,
I beseech your honour, upon my knees, to take my case into consideration, that
means may be used for my recovery -«
    The 'squire could not help smiling at the poor fellow's simplicity, and
promised to take care of him, provided he would mind the business of his place,
without running after the new-light of methodism: but Mrs. Tabitha took offence
at his humility, which she interpreted into poorness of spirit and worldly
mindedness - She upbraided him with the want of courage to suffer for conscience
sake - She observed, that if he should lose his place for bearing testimony to
the truth, Providence would not fail to find him another, perhaps more
advantageous; and, declaring that it could not be very agreeable to live in a
family where an inquisition was established, retired to another room in great
agitation.
    My uncle followed her with a significant look, then, turning to the
preacher, »You hear what my sister says, - If you cannot live with me upon such
terms as I have prescribed, the vineyard of methodism lies before you, and she
seems very well disposed to reward your labour -« »I would not willingly give
offence to any soul upon earth (answered Humphry); her ladyship has been very
good to me, ever since we came to London; and surely she has a heart turned for
religious exercises; and both she and lady Griskin sing psalms and hymns like
two cherubims - But, at the same time, I'm bound to love and obey your honour -
It becometh not such a poor ignorant fellow as me, to hold dispute with
gentlemen of rank and learning - As for the matter of knowledge, I am no more
than a beast in comparison of your honour; therefore I submit; and, with God's
grace, I will follow you to the world's end, if you don't think me too far gone
to be out of confinement -«
    His master promised to keep him for some time longer on trial; then desired
to know in what manner lady Griskin and Mr. Barton came to join their religious
society. He told him, that her ladyship was the person who first carried my aunt
and sister to the Tabernacle, whither he attended them, and had his devotion
kindled by Mr. W--'s preaching: that he was confirmed in this new way, by the
preacher's sermons, which he had bought and studied with great attention: that
his discourse and prayers had brought over Mrs. Jenkins and the house-maid to
the same way of thinking; but as for Mr. Barton, he had never seen him at
service before this day, when he came in company with lady Griskin - Humphry,
moreover, owned that he had been encouraged to mount the rostrum, by the example
and success of a weaver, who was much followed as a powerful minister: that on
his first trial, he found himself under such strong impulsions, as made him
believe he was certainly moved by the spirit; and that he had assisted in lady
Griskin's, and several private houses, at exercises of devotion.
    Mr. Bramble was no sooner informed, that her ladyship had acted as the
primum mobile of this confederacy, than he concluded she had only made use of
Clinker as a tool, subservient to the execution of some design, to the true
secret of which he was an utter stranger - He observed, that her ladyship's
brain was a perfect mill for projects; and that she and Tabby had certainly
engaged in some secret treaty, the nature of which he could not comprehend. I
told him I thought it was no difficult matter to perceive the drift of Mrs.
Tabitha, which was to ensnare the heart of Barton, and that in all likelihood my
lady Griskin acted as her auxiliary: that this supposition would account for
their endeavours to convert him to methodism; an event which would occasion a
connexion of souls that might be easily improved into a matrimonial union.
    My uncle seemed to be much diverted by the thoughts of this scheme's
succeeding; but I gave him to understand, that Barton was pre-engaged: that he
had the day before made a present of an etuis to Liddy, which her aunt had
obliged her to receive, with a view, no doubt, to countenance her own accepting
of a snuff-box at the same time: that my sister having made me acquainted with
this incident, I had desired an explanation of Mr. Barton, who declared his
intentions were honourable, and expressed his hope that I would have no
objections to his alliance: that I had thanked him for the honour he intended
our family; but told him, it would be necessary to consult her uncle and aunt,
who were her guardians: and their approbation being obtained, I could have no
objection to his proposal; though I was persuaded that no violence would be
offered to my sister's inclinations, in a transaction that so nearly interested
the happiness of her future life: that he had assured me, he should never think
of availing himself of a guardian's authority, unless he could render his
addresses agreeable to the young lady herself; and that he would immediately
demand permission of Mr. and Mrs. Bramble, to make Liddy a tender of his hand
and fortune.
    The 'squire was not insensible to the advantages of such a match, and
declared he would promote it with all his influence; but when I took notice that
there seemed to be an aversion on the side of Liddy, he said he would sound her
on the subject; and if her reluctance was such as would not be easily overcome,
he would civilly decline the proposal of Mr. Barton; for he thought that, in the
choice of a husband, a young woman ought not to sacrifice the feelings of her
heart for any consideration upon earth - »Liddy is not so desperate (said he) as
to worship fortune at such an expense.« I take it for granted, this whole affair
will end in smoke; though there seems to be a storm brewing in the quarter of
Mrs. Tabby, who sat with all the sullen dignity of silence at dinner, seemingly
pregnant with complaint and expostulation. As she hath certainly marked Barton
for her own prey, she cannot possibly favour his suit to Liddy; and therefore I
expect something extraordinary will attend his declaring himself my sister's
admirer. This declaration will certainly be made in form, as soon as the lover
can pick up resolution enough to stand the brunt of Mrs. Tabby's disappointment;
for he is, without doubt, aware of her designs upon his person - The particulars
of the denouement you shall know in due season: mean while I am
always yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    London, June 10.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Lewis,
    The deceitful calm was of short duration. I am plunged again in a sea of
vexation, and the complaints in my stomach and bowels are returned; so that I
suppose I shall be disabled from prosecuting the excursion I had planned - What
the devil had I to do, to come a plague hunting with a leash of females in my
train? Yesterday my precious sister (who, by the bye, has been for some time a
professed methodist) came into my apartment, attended by Mr. Barton, and desired
an audience with a very stately air - »Brother, (said she) this gentleman has
something to propose, which I flatter myself will be the more acceptable, as it
will rid you of a troublesome companion.« Then Mr. Barton proceeded to this
effect - »I am, indeed, extremely ambitious of being allied to your family, Mr.
Bramble, and I hope you will see no cause to interpose your authority.« - »As
for authority, (said Tabby, interrupting him with some warmth) I know of none
that he has a right to use on this occasion - If I pay him the compliment of
making him acquainted with the step I intend to take, it is all he can expect in
reason - This is as much as I believe he would do by me, if he intended to
change his own situation in life - In a word, brother, I am so sensible of Mr.
Barton's extraordinary merit, that I have been prevailed upon to alter my
resolution of living a single life, and to put my happiness in his hands, by
vesting him with a legal title to my person and fortune, such as they are. The
business at present, is to have the writings drawn; and I shall be obliged to
you, if you will recommend a lawyer to me for that purpose -«
    You may guess what an effect this overture had upon me; who, from the
information of my nephew, expected that Barton was to make a formal declaration
of his passion for Liddy; I could not help gazing in silent astonishment,
alternately at Tabby, and her supposed admirer, which last hung his head in the
most awkward confusion for a few minutes, and then retired on pretence of being
suddenly seized with a vertigo - Mrs. Tabitha affected much concern, and would
have had him make use of a bed in the house; but he insisted upon going home,
that he might have recourse to some drops, which he kept for such emergencies,
and his inamorata acquiesced - In the mean time I was exceedingly puzzled at
this adventure, (though I suspected the truth) and did not know in what manner
to demean myself towards Mrs. Tabitha, when Jery came in and told me, he had
just seen Mr. Barton alight from his chariot at lady Griskin's door - This
incident seemed to threaten a visit from her ladyship, with which we were
honoured accordingly, in less than half an hour - »I find (said she) there has
been a match of cross purposes among you good folks; and I'm come to set you to
rights -« So saying, she presented me with the following billet -
 
        »Dear Sir,
            I no sooner recollected myself from the extreme confusion I was
        thrown into, by that unlucky mistake of your sister, than I thought it
        my duty to assure you, that my devoirs to Mrs. Bramble never exceeded
        the bounds of ordinary civility; and that my heart is unalterably fixed
        upon Miss Liddy Melford, as I had the honour to declare to her brother,
        when he questioned me upon that subject - Lady Griskin has been so good
        as to charge herself, not only with the delivery of this note, but also
        with the task of undeceiving Mrs. Bramble, for whom I have the most
        profound respect and veneration, though my affection being otherwise
        engaged, is no longer in the power of
Sir,
your very humble servant,
                                                                  RALPH BARTON.«
 
Having cast my eyes over this billet, I told her ladyship, that I would no
longer retard the friendly office she had undertaken; and I and Jery forthwith
retired into another room. There we soon perceived the conversation grow very
warm betwixt the two ladies; and, at length, could distinctly hear certain terms
of altercation, which we could no longer delay interrupting, with any regard to
decorum. When we entered the scene of contention, we found Liddy had joined the
disputants, and stood trembling betwixt them, as if she had been afraid they
would have proceeded to something more practical than words - Lady Griskin's
face was like the full moon in a storm of wind, glaring, fiery, and portentuous;
while Tabby looked grim and ghastly, with an aspect breathing discord and
dismay. - Our appearance put a stop to their mutual revilings; but her ladyship
turning to me, »Cousin, (said she) I can't help saying I have met with a very
ungrateful return from this lady, for the pains I have taken to serve her family
-« »My family is much obliged to your ladyship (cried Tabby, with a kind of
hysterical giggle); but we have no right to the good offices of such an
honourable go-between.« »But, for all that, good Mrs. Tabitha Bramble, (resumed
the other) I shall be content with the reflection, that virtue is its own
reward; and it shall not be my fault, if you continue to make yourself
ridiculous - Mr. Bramble, who has no little interest of his own to serve, will,
no doubt, contribute all in his power to promote a match betwixt Mr. Barton and
his niece, which will be equally honourable and advantageous; and, I dare say,
miss Liddy herself will have no objection to a measure so well calculated to
make her happy in life -« »I beg your ladyship's pardon, (exclaimed Liddy, with
great vivacity) I have nothing but misery to expect from such a measure; and I
hope my guardians will have too much compassion to barter my peace of mind for
any consideration of interest or fortune -« »Upon my word, miss Liddy! (said
she) you have profited by the example of your good aunt - I comprehend your
meaning, and will explain it when I have a proper opportunity - In the mean
time, I shall take my leave - Madam, your most obedient, and devoted humble
servant,« said she, advancing close up to my sister, and curtsying so low, that
I thought she intended to squat herself down on the floor - This salutation
Tabby returned with equal solemnity; and the expression of the two faces, while
they continued in this attitude, would be no bad subject for a pencil like that
of the incomparable Hogarth, if any such should ever appear again, in these
times of dullness and degeneracy.
    Jery accompanied her ladyship to her house, that he might have an
opportunity to restore the etuis to Barton, and advise him to give up his suit,
which was so disagreeable to his sister, against whom, however, he returned much
irritated - Lady Griskin had assured him that Liddy's heart was pre-occupied;
and immediately the idea of Wilson recurring to his imagination, his
family-pride took the alarm - He denounced vengeance against that adventurer,
and was disposed to be very peremptory with his sister; but I desired he would
suppress his resentment, until I should have talked with her in private.
    The poor girl, when I earnestly pressed her on this head, owned, with a
flood of tears, that Wilson had actually come to the Hot Well at Bristol, and
even introduced himself into our lodgings as a Jew pedlar; but that nothing had
passed betwixt them, further than her begging him to withdraw immediately, if he
had any regard for her peace of mind: that he had disappeared accordingly, after
having attempted to prevail upon my sister's maid, to deliver a letter; which,
however, she refused to receive, though she had consented to carry a message,
importing that he was a gentleman of a good family; and that, in a very little
time, he would avow his passion in that character - She confessed, that although
he had not kept his word in this particular, he was not yet altogether
indifferent to her affection; but solemnly promised, she would never carry on
any correspondence with him, or any other admirer, for the future, without the
privity and approbation of her brother and me.
    By this declaration, she made her own peace with Jery; but the hot-headed
boy is more than ever incensed against Wilson, whom he now considers as an
impostor, that harbours some infamous design upon the honour of his family - As
for Barton, he was not a little mortified to find his present returned, and his
addresses so unfavourably received; but he is not a man to be deeply affected by
such disappointments; and I know not whether he is not as well pleased with
being discarded by Liddy, as he would have been with a permission to prosecute
his pretensions, at the risk of being every day exposed to the revenge or
machinations of Tabby, who is not to be slighted with impunity. - I had not much
time to moralize on these occurrences; for the house was visited by a constable
and his gang, with a warrant from justice Buzzard, to search the box of Humphry
Clinker, my footman, who was just apprehended as a highwayman - This incident
threw the whole family into confusion. My sister scolded the constable for
presuming to enter the lodgings of a gentleman on such an errand, without having
first asked, and obtained permission; her maid was frightened into fits, and
Liddy shed tears of compassion for the unfortunate Clinker, in whose box,
however, nothing was found to confirm the suspicion of robbery.
    For my own part, I made no doubt of the fellow's being mistaken for some
other person, and I went directly to the justice, in order to procure his
discharge; but there I found the matter much more serious than I expected - Poor
Clinker stood trembling at the bar, surrounded by thief-takers; and at a little
distance, a thick, squat fellow, a postilion, his accuser, who had seized him in
the street, and swore positively to his person, that the said Clinker had, on
the 15th day of March last, on Blackheath, robbed a gentleman in a post-chaise,
which he (the postilion) drove - This deposition was sufficient to justify his
commitment; and he was sent accordingly to Clerkenwell prison, whither Jery
accompanied him in the coach, in order to recommend him properly to the keeper,
that he may want for no convenience which the place affords.
    The spectators, who assembled to see this highwayman, were sagacious enough
to discern something very villainous in his aspect; which (begging their pardon)
is the very picture of simplicity; and the justice himself put a very
unfavourable construction upon some of his answers, which, he said, savoured of
the ambiguity and equivocation of an old offender; but, in my opinion, it would
have been more just and humane to impute them to the confusion into which we may
suppose a poor country lad to be thrown on such an occasion. I am still
persuaded he is innocent; and, in this persuasion, I can do no less than use my
utmost endeavours that he may not be oppressed - I shall, to-morrow, send my
nephew to wait on the gentleman who was robbed, and beg he will have the
humanity to go and see the prisoner; that, in case he should find him quite
different from the person of the highwayman, he may bear testimony in his behalf
- Howsoever it may fare with Clinker, this cursed affair will be to me
productive of intolerable chagrin - I have already caught a dreadful cold, by
rushing into the open air from the justice's parlour, where I had been stewing
in the crowd; and though I should not be laid up with the gout, as I believe I
shall, I must stay at London for some weeks, till this poor devil comes to his
trial at Rochester; so that, in all probability, my northern expedition is blown
up.
    If you can find any thing in your philosophical budget, to console me in the
midst of these distresses and apprehensions, pray let it be communicated to
your unfortunate friend,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    London, June 12.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Wat,
    The farce is finished, and another piece of a graver cast brought upon the
stage. - Our aunt made a desperate attack upon Barton, who had no other way of
saving himself, but by leaving her in possession of the field, and avowing his
pretensions to Liddy, by whom he has been rejected in his turn. - Lady Griskin
acted as his advocate and agent on this occasion, with such zeal as embroiled
her with Mrs. Tabitha, and a high scene of altercation passed betwixt these two
religionists, which might have come to action, had not my uncle interposed. They
are however reconciled, in consequence of an event which hath involved us all in
trouble and disquiet. You must know, the poor preacher, Humphry Clinker, is now
exercising his ministry among the felons in Clerkenwell prison. - A postilion
having sworn a robbery against him, no bail could be taken, and he was committed
to jail, notwithstanding all the remonstrances and interest my uncle could make
in his behalf.
    All things considered, the poor fellow cannot possibly be guilty, and yet, I
believe, he runs some risk of being hanged. - Upon his examination, he
answered with such hesitation and reserve, as persuaded most of the people, who
crowded the place, that he was really a knave, and the justice's remarks
confirmed their opinion. Exclusive of my uncle and myself, there was only one
person who seemed inclined to favour the culprit. - He was a young man, well
dressed, and, from the manner in which he cross-examined the evidence, we took
it for granted, that he was a student in one of the inns of court. - He freely
checked the justice for some uncharitable inferences he made to the prejudice of
the prisoner, and even ventured to dispute with his worship on certain points of
law.
    My uncle, provoked at the unconnected and dubious answers of Clinker, who
seemed in danger of falling a sacrifice to his own simplicity, exclaimed, »In
the name of God, if you are innocent, say so.« »No, (cried he) God forbid, that
I should call myself innocent, while my conscience is burdened with sin.« »What
then, you did commit this robbery?« resumed his master. »No, sure, (said he)
blessed be the Lord, I'm free of that guilt.«
    Here the justice interposed, observing, that the man seemed inclined to make
a discovery by turning king's evidence, and desired the clerk to take his
confession; upon which Humphry declared, that he looked upon confession to be a
popish fraud, invented by the whore of Babylon. The templar affirmed, that the
poor fellow was non compos; and exhorted the justice to discharge him as a
lunatic. - »You know very well, (added he) that the robbery in question was not
committed by the prisoner.«
    The thief-takers grinned at one another; and Mr. Justice Buzzard replied
with great emotion, »Mr. Martin, I desire you will mind your own business; I
shall convince you one of these days that I understand mine.« In short, there
was no remedy; the mittimus was made out, and poor Clinker sent to prison in a
hackney-coach, guarded by the constable, and accompanied by your humble servant.
By the way, I was not a little surprised to hear this retainer to justice bid
the prisoner to keep up his spirits, for that he did not at all doubt, but that
he would get off for a few weeks confinement. - He said, his worship knew very
well that Clinker was innocent of the fact, and that the real highwayman, who
robbed the chaise, was no other than that very individual Mr. Martin, who had
pleaded so strenuously for honest Humphry.
    Confounded at this information, I asked, »Why then is he suffered to go
about at his liberty, and this poor innocent fellow treated as a malefactor?«
»We have exact intelligence of all Mr. Martin's transactions; (said he) but as
yet there is not evidence sufficient for his conviction; and as for this young
man, the justice could do no less than commit him, as the postilion swore
point-blank to his identity.« »So if this rascally postilion should persist in
the falsity to which he has sworn, (said I) this innocent lad may be brought to
the gallows.«
    The constable observed, that he would have time enough to prepare for his
trial, and might prove an alibi; or, perhaps, Martin might be apprehended and
convicted for another fact; in which case, he might be prevailed upon to take
this affair upon himself; or, finally, if these chances should fail, and the
evidence stand good against Clinker, the jury might recommend him to mercy, in
consideration of his youth, especially if this should appear to be the first
fact of which he had been guilty.
    Humphry owned, he could not pretend to recollect where he had been on the
day when the robbery was committed, much less prove a circumstance of that kind
so far back as six months, though he knew he had been sick of the fever and
ague, which, however, did not prevent him from going about - then, turning up
his eyes, he ejaculated, »The Lord's will be done! if it be my fate to suffer, I
hope I shall not disgrace the faith, of which, though unworthy, I make
profession.«
    When I expressed my surprise, that the accuser should persist in charging
Clinker, without taking the least notice of the real robber, who stood before
him, and to whom, indeed, Humphry bore not the smallest resemblance; the
constable (who was himself a thief-taker) gave me to understand, that Mr. Martin
was the best qualified for business of all the gentlemen on the road he had ever
known; that he had always acted on his own bottom, without partner or
correspondent, and never went to work, but when he was cool and sober; that his
courage and presence of mind never failed him; that his address was genteel, and
his behaviour void of all cruelty and insolence; that he never encumbered
himself with watches or trinkets, nor even with banknotes, but always dealt for
ready money, and that in the current coin of the kingdom; and that he could
disguise himself and his horse in such a manner, that, after the action, it was
impossible to recognize either the one or the other - »This great man (said he)
has reigned paramount in all the roads within fifty miles of London above
fifteen months, and has done more business in that time, than all the rest of
the profession put together; for those who pass through his hands are so
delicately dealt with, that they have no desire to give him the least
disturbance; but for all that, his race is almost run - he is now fluttering
about justice, like a moth about a candle - there are so many lime-twigs laid in
his way, that I'll bett a cool hundred, he swings before Christmas.«
    Shall I own to you, that this portrait, drawn by a ruffian, heightened by
what I myself had observed in his deportment, has interested me warmly in the
fate of poor Martin, whom nature seems to have intended for a useful and
honourable member of that community upon which he now preys for subsistence? It
seems, he lived some time as a clerk to a timber-merchant, whose daughter Martin
having privately married, was discarded, and his wife turned out of doors. She
did not long survive her marriage; and Martin, turning fortune-hunter, could not
supply his occasions any other way, than by taking to the road, in which he has
travelled hitherto with uncommon success. - He pays his respects regularly to
Mr. Justice Buzzard, the thief-catcher-general of this metropolis, and sometimes
they smoke a pipe together very lovingly, when the conversation generally turns
upon the nature of evidence. - The justice has given him fair warning to take
care of himself, and he has received his caution in good part. - Hitherto he has
baffled all the vigilance, art, and activity of Buzzard and his emissaries, with
such conduct as would have done honour to the genius of a Cæsar or a Turenne,
but he has one weakness, which has proved fatal to all the heroes of his tribe,
namely, an indiscreet devotion to the fair sex, and, in all probability, he will
be attacked on this defenceless quarter.
    Be that as it may, I saw the body of poor Clinker consigned to the gaoler of
Clerkenwell, to whose indulgence I recommended him so effectually, that he
received him in the most hospitable manner, though there was a necessity for
equipping him with a suit of irons, in which he made a very rueful appearance.
The poor creature seemed as much affected by my uncle's kindness, as by his own
misfortune. When I assured him, that nothing should be left undone for procuring
his enlargement, and making his confinement easy in the mean time, he fell down
on his knees, and kissing my hand, which he bathed with his tears, »O 'squire!
(cried he, sobbing) what shall I say? - I can't - no, I can't speak - my poor
heart is bursting with gratitude to you and my dear - dear - generous - noble
benefactor.«
    I protest, the scene became so pathetic, that I was fain to force myself
away, and returned to my uncle, who sent me in the afternoon with a compliment
to one Mr. Mead, the person who had been robbed on Black-heath. As I did not
find him at home, I left a message, in consequence of which he called at our
lodgings this morning, and very humanely agreed to visit the prisoner. By this
time, lady Griskin had come to make her formal compliments of condolance to Mrs.
Tabitha, on this domestic calamity; and that prudent maiden, whose passion was
now cooled, thought proper to receive her ladyship so civilly, that a
reconciliation immediately ensued. These two ladies resolved to comfort the poor
prisoner in their own persons, and Mr. Mead and I 'squired them to Clerkenwell,
my uncle being detained at home by some slight complaints in his stomach and
bowels.
    The turnkey, who received us at Clerkenwell, looked remarkably sullen; and
when we enquired for Clinker, »I don't care, if the devil had him; (said he)
here has been nothing but canting and praying since the fellow entered the
place. - Rabbit him! the tap will be ruined - we han't sold a cask of beer, nor
a dozen of wine, since he paid his garnish - the gentlemen get drunk with
nothing but your damned religion. - For my part, I believe as how your man deals
with the devil. - Two or three as bold hearts as ever took the air upon
Hounslow, have been blubbering all night; and if the fellow an't speedily
removed by Habeas Corpus, or otherwise, I'll be damn'd if there's a grain of
true spirit left within these walls - we shan't have a soul to do credit to the
place, or make his exit like a true-born Englishman - damn my eyes! there will
be nothing but snivelling in the cart - we shall all die like so many
psalm-singing weavers.«
    In short, we found that Humphry was, at that very instant, haranguing the
felons in the chapel; and that the gaoler's wife and daughter, together with my
aunt's woman, Win Jenkins, and our house-maid, were among their audience, which
we immediately joined. I never saw any thing so strongly picturesque as this
congregation of felons clanking their chains, in the midst of whom stood orator
Clinker, expatiating, in a transport of fervour, on the torments of hell,
denounced in scripture against evil-doers, comprehending murderers, robbers,
thieves, and whoremongers. The variety of attention exhibited in the faces of
those ragamuffins, formed a group that would not have disgraced the pencil of a
Raphael. In one, it denoted admiration; in another doubt; in a third, disdain;
in a fourth, contempt; in a fifth, terror; in a sixth, derision; and in a
seventh, indignation. - As for Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, she was in tears,
overwhelmed with sorrow; but whether for her own sins, or the misfortune of
Clinker, I cannot pretend to say. The other females seemed to listen with a
mixture of wonder and devotion. The gaoler's wife declared he was a saint in
trouble, saying, she wished from her heart, there was such another good soul,
like him, in every gaol in England.
    Mr. Mead, having earnestly surveyed the preacher, declared his appearance
was so different from that of the person who robbed him on Blackheath, that he
could freely make oath he was not the man: but Humphry himself was by this time
pretty well rid of all apprehensions of being hanged; for he had been the night
before solemnly tried and acquitted by his fellow-prisoners, some of whom he had
already converted to methodism. He now made proper acknowledgments for the
honour of our visit, and was permitted to kiss the hands of the ladies, who
assured him, he might depend upon their friendship and protection. Lady Griskin,
in her great zeal, exhorted his fellow-prisoners to profit by the precious
opportunity of having such a saint in bonds among them, and turn over a new leaf
for the benefit of their poor souls; and, that her admonition might have the
greater effect, she reinforced it with her bounty.
    While she and Mrs. Tabby returned in the coach with the two maid-servants, I
waited on Mr. Mead to the house of justice Buzzard, who, having heard his
declaration, said his oath could be of no use at present, but that it would be a
material evidence for the prisoner at his trial; so that there seems to be no
remedy but patience for poor Clinker; and, indeed, the same virtue, or medicine,
will be necessary for us all, the 'squire in particular, who had set his heart
upon his excursion to the northward.
    While we were visiting honest Humphry in Clerkenwell prison, my uncle
received a much more extraordinary visit at his own lodgings. Mr. Martin, of
whom I have made such honourable mention, desired permission to pay him his
respects, and was admitted accordingly. He told him, that having observed him,
at Mr. Buzzard's, a good deal disturbed by what had happened to his servant, he
had come to assure him he had nothing to apprehend for Clinker's life; for, if
it was possible that any jury could find him guilty upon such evidence, he,
Martin himself, would produce in court a person, whose deposition would bring
him off clear as the sun at noon. - Sure, the fellow would not be so romantic as
to take the robbery upon himself! - He said the postillion was an infamous
fellow, who had been a dabbler in the same profession, and saved his life at the
Old Bailey by impeaching his companions; that being now reduced to great
poverty, he had made this desperate push, to swear away the life of an innocent
man, in hopes of having the reward upon his conviction; but that he would find
himself miserably disappointed, for the justice and his myrmidons were
determined to admit of no interloper in this branch of business; and that he did
not at all doubt but that they would find matter enough to stop the evidence
himself before the next gaol-delivery. He affirmed, that all these circumstances
were well known to the justice; and that his severity to Clinker was no other
than a hint to his master to make him a present in private, as an acknowledgement
of his candour and humanity.
    This hint, however, was so unpalatable to Mr. Bramble, that he declared,
with great warmth, he would rather confine himself for life to London, which he
detested, than be at liberty to leave it to-morrow, in consequence of
encouraging corruption in a magistrate. Hearing, however, how favourable Mr.
Mead's report had been for the prisoner, he is resolved to take the advice of
counsel in what manner to proceed for his immediate enlargement. I make no
doubt, but that in a day or two this troublesome business may be discussed; and
in this hope we are preparing for our journey. If our endeavours do not
miscarry, we shall have taken the field before you hear again from
Yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    London, June 11.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Thank Heaven! dear Lewis, the clouds are dispersed, and I have now the clearest
prospect of my summer campaign, which, I hope, I shall be able to begin
to-morrow. I took the advice of counsel, with respect to the case of Clinker, in
whose favour a lucky incident has intervened. The fellow who accused him, has
had his own battery turned upon himself. - Two days ago, he was apprehended for
a robbery on the highway, and committed, on the evidence of an accomplice.
Clinker, having moved for a writ of habeas corpus, was brought before the lord
chief justice, who, in consequence of an affidavit of the gentleman who had been
robbed, importing that the said Clinker was not the person who stopped him on
the highway, as well as in consideration of the postillion's character and
present circumstances, was pleased to order, that my servant should be admitted
to bail, and he has been discharged accordingly, to the unspeakable satisfaction
of our whole family, to which he has recommended himself in an extraordinary
manner, not only by his obliging deportment, but by his talents of preaching,
praying, and singing psalms, which he has exercised with such effect, that even
Tabby respects him as a chosen vessel. If there was any thing like affectation
or hypocrisy in this excess of religion, I would not keep him in my service;
but, so far as I can observe, the fellow's character is downright simplicity,
warmed with a kind of enthusiasm, which renders him very susceptible of
gratitude and attachment to his benefactors.
    As he is an excellent horseman, and understands farriery, I have bought a
stout gelding for his use, that he may attend us on the road, and have an eye to
our cattle, in case the coachman should not mind his business. My nephew, who is
to ride his own saddle-horse, has taken, upon trial, a servant just come from
abroad with his former master, sir William Strollop, who vouches for his
honesty. The fellow, whose name is Dutton, seems to be a petit-maître - He has
got a smattering of French, bows, and grins, and shrugs, and takes snuff à la
mode de France, but values himself chiefly upon his skill and dexterity in
hair-dressing. - If I am not much deceived by appearance, he is, in all
respects, the very contrast of Humphry Clinker.
    My sister has made up matters with lady Griskin; though, I must own, I
should not have been sorry to see that connexion entirely destroyed: but Tabby
is not of a disposition to forgive Barton, who, I understand, is gone to his
seat in Berkshire for the summer season. I cannot help suspecting, that in the
treaty of peace, which has been lately ratified betwixt those two females, it is
stipulated, that her ladyship shall use her best endeavours to provide an
agreeable help-mate for our sister Tabitha, who seems to be quite desperate in
her matrimonial designs. Perhaps, the matchmaker is to have a valuable
consideration in the way of brokerage, which she will most certainly deserve, if
she can find any man in his senses, who will yoke with Mrs. Bramble from motives
of affection or interest.
    I find my spirits and my health affect each other reciprocally - that is to
say, every thing that discomposes my mind produces a correspondent disorder in
my body; and my bodily complaints are remarkably mitigated by those
considerations that dissipate the clouds of mental chagrin. - The imprisonment
of Clinker brought on those symptoms which I mentioned in my last, and now they
are vanished at his discharge. - It must be owned, indeed, I took some of the
tincture of ginseng, prepared according to your prescription, and found it
exceedingly grateful to the stomach; but the pain and sickness continued to
return, after short intervals, till the anxiety of my mind was entirely removed,
and then I found myself perfectly at ease. We have had fair weather these ten
days, to the astonishment of the Londoners, who think it portentous. If you
enjoy the same indulgence in Wales, I hope Barns has got my hay made, and safe
cocked, by this time. As we shall be in motion for some weeks, I cannot expect
to hear from you as usual; but I shall continue to write from every place at
which we make any halt, that you may know our track, in case it should be
necessary to communicate any thing to
Your assured friend,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    London, June 14.
 

                  To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall, etc.

Dear Mary,
    Having the occasion of my cousin Jenkins, of Aberga'ny, I send you, as a
token, a turkey-shell comb, a kiple of yards of green ribbon, and a sarment upon
the nothingness of good works, which was preached in the Tabernacle; and you
will also receive a horn-buck for Saul, whereby she may learn her letters; for
I'm much consarned about the state of her poor sole - and what are all the
pursuits of this life to the consarns of that immortal part? - What is life but
a veil of affliction? O Mary! the whole family have been in such a constipation!
- Mr. Clinker has been in trouble, but the gates of hell have not been able to
prevail against him. - His virtue is like poor gould, seven times tried in the
fire. He was tuck up for a robbery, and had before gustass Busshard, who made
his mitta-mouse; and the pore youth was sent to prison upon the false oaf of a
willian, that wanted to sware his life away for the looker of cain.
    The 'squire did all in his power, but could not prevent his being put in
chains, and confined among common manufactors, where he stud like an innocent
sheep in the midst of wolves and tygers. - Lord knows, what mought have happened
to this pyehouse young man, if master had not applied to Apias Korkus, who lives
with the ould bailiff, and is, they say, five hundred years ould, (God bless
us!) and a congeror; but, if he be, sure I am he don't deal with the devil,
otherwise he wouldn't have sought out Mr. Clinker, as he did, in spite of stone
walls, iron bolts, and double locks, that flew open at his command; for Ould
Scratch has not a greater enemy upon hearth than Mr. Clinker, who is, indeed, a
very powerfull labourer in the Lord's vineyard. I do no more than yuse the words
of my good lady, who has got the infectual calling; and, I trust, that even
myself, though unworthy, shall find grease to be excepted. - Miss Liddy has been
touch'd to the quick, but is a little timor-some: howsomever, I make no doubt,
but she, and all of us, will be brought, by the endeavours of Mr. Clinker, to
produce blessed fruit of generation and repentance. - As for master and the
young 'squire, they have as yet had narro glimpse of the new light. - I doubt as
how their harts are hardened by worldly wisdom, which, as the pyebill saith, is
foolishness in the sight of God.
    O Mary Jones, pray without seizing for grease to prepare you for the
operations of this wonderful instrument, which, I hope, will be exorcised this
winter upon you and others at Brambleton-hall. - To-morrow, we are to set out in
a cox and four for Yorkshire; and, I believe, we shall travel that way far, and
far, and farther than I can tell; but I shan't go so far as to forget my
friends; and Mary Jones will always be remembered as one of them by her
Humble sarvant,
                                                                    WIN. JENKINS
    London, June 14.
 

                To Mrs. Gwyllim, house-keeper at Brambleton-hall

Mrs. Gwillim,
    I can't help thinking it very strange, that I never had an answer to the
letter I wrote you some weeks ago from Bath, concerning the sour bear, the
gander, and the maids eating butter, which I won't allow to be wasted. - We are
now going upon a long gurney to the north, whereby I desire you will redouble
your care and circumflexion, that the family may be well manged in our absence;
for, you know, you must render accunt, not only to your earthly master, but also
to him that is above; and if you are found a good and faithfull sarvant, great
will be your reward in haven. I hope there will be twenty stun of cheese ready
for market by the time I get huom, and as much owl spun, as will make half a
dozen pair of blankets; and that the savings of the butter-milk will fetch me a
good penny before Martinmass, as the two pigs are to be fed for baking with
bitchmast and acrons.
    I wrote to doctor Lews for the same porpuss, but he never had the good
manners to take the least notice of my letter; for which reason, I shall never
favour him with another, though he beshits me on his bended knees. You will do
well to keep a watchfull eye over the hind Villiams, who is one of his
amissories, and, I believe, no better than he should be at bottom. God forbid
that I should lack christian charity; but charity begins at huom, and sure
nothing can be a more charitable work than to rid the family of such vermine. I
do suppose, that the brindled cow has been had to the parson's bull, that old
Moll has had another litter of pigs, and that Dick is become a mighty mouser.
Pray order every thing for the best, and be frugal, and keep the maids to their
labour. - If I had a private opportunity, I would send them some hymns to sing
instead of profane ballads; but, as I can't, they and you must be contented with
the prayers of
Your assured friend,
                                                                      T. BRAMBLE
    London, June 14.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    The very day after I wrote my last, Clinker was set at liberty - As Martin
had foretold, the accuser was himself committed for a robbery, upon
unquestionable evidence. He had been for some time in the snares of the
thief-taking society; who, resenting his presumption in attempting to incroach
upon their monopoly of impeachment, had him taken up and committed to Newgate,
on the deposition of an accomplice, who has been admitted as evidence for the
king. The postillion being upon record as an old offender, the chief Justice
made no scruple of admitting Clinker to bail, when he perused the affidavit of
Mr. Mead, importing that the said Clinker was not the person that robbed him on
Blackheath; and honest Humphry was discharged - When he came home, he expressed
great eagerness to pay his respects to his master, and here his elocution failed
him, but his silence was pathetic; he fell down at his feet, and embraced his
knees, shedding a flood of tears, which my uncle did not see without emotion -
He took snuff in some confusion; and, putting his hand in his pocket, gave him
his blessing in something more substantial than words - »Clinker, (said he) I am
so well convinced, both of your honesty and courage, that I am resolved to make
you my life-guard-man on the highway.«
    He was accordingly provided with a case of pistols, and a carbine to be
slung a-cross his shoulders; and every other preparation being made, we set out
last Thursday, at seven in the morning; my uncle, with the three women in the
coach; Humphry, well mounted on a black gelding bought for his use; myself
a-horseback, attended by my new valet, Mr. Dutton, an exceeding coxcomb, fresh
from his travels, whom I have taken upon trial - The fellow wears a solitaire,
uses paint, and takes rappee with all the grimace of a French marquis. At
present, however, he is in a riding-dress, jack-boots, leather breeches, a
scarlet waistcoat, with gold binding, a laced hat, a hanger, a French
posting-whip in his hand, and his hair en queue.
    Before we had gone nine miles, my horse lost one of his shoes; so that I was
obliged to stop at Barnet to have another, while the coach proceeded at an easy
pace over the common. About a mile short of Hatfield, the postillions, stopping
the carriage, gave notice to Clinker that there were two suspicious fellows
a-horseback, at the end of a lane, who seemed waiting to attack the coach.
Humphry forthwith apprised my uncle, declaring he would stand by him to the last
drop of his blood; and, unslinging his carbine, prepared for action. The 'squire
had pistols in the pockets of the coach, and resolved to make use of them
directly; but he was effectually prevented by his female companions, who flung
themselves about his neck, and screamed in concert - At that instant, who should
come up at a hand-gallop, but Martin, the highwayman, who, advancing to the
coach, begged the ladies would compose themselves for a moment; then, desiring
Clinker to follow him to the charge, he pulled a pistol out of his bosom, and
they rode up together to give battle to the rogues, who, having fired at a great
distance, fled a-cross the common. They were in pursuit of the fugitives when I
came up, not a little alarmed at the shrieks in the coach, where I found my
uncle in a violent rage, without his periwig, struggling to disentangle himself
from Tabby and the other two, and swearing with great vociferation. Before I had
time to interpose, Martin and Clinker returned from the pursuit, and the former
paid his compliments with great politeness, giving us to understand, that the
fellows had scampered off, and that he believed they were a couple of raw
'prentices from London. He commended Clinker for his courage, and said, if we
would give him leave, he would have the honour to accompany us as far as
Stevenage, where he had some business.
    The 'squire, having recollected and adjusted himself, was the first to laugh
at his own situation; but it was not without difficulty, that Tabby's arms could
be untwisted from his neck, Liddy's teeth chattered, and Jenkins was threatened
with a fit as usual. I had communicated to my uncle the character of Martin, as
it was described by the constable, and he was much struck with its singularity -
He could not suppose the fellow had any design on our company, which was so
numerous and well armed; he therefore thanked him, for the service he had just
done them, said he would be glad of his company, and asked him to dine with us
at Hatfield. This invitation might not have been agreeable to the ladies, had
they known the real profession of our guest, but this was a secret to all,
except my uncle and myself - Mrs. Tabitha, however, would by no means consent to
proceed with a case of loaded pistols in the coach, and they were forthwith
discharged in complaisance to her and the rest of the women.
    Being gratified in this particular, she became remarkably good-humoured, and
at dinner behaved in the most affable manner to Mr. Martin, with whose polite
address and agreeable conversation she seemed to be much taken. After dinner,
the landlord accosting me in the yard, asked, with a significant look, if the
gentleman that rode the sorrel belonged to our company? - I understood his
meaning, but answered, no; that he had come up with us on the common, and helped
us to drive away two fellows, that looked like highwaymen - He nodded three
times distinctly, as much as to say, he knows his cue. Then he inquired, if one
of those men was mounted on a bay mare, and the other on a chestnut gelding with
a white streak down his forehead? and being answered in the affirmative, he
assured me they had robbed three post-chaises this very morning - I inquired, in
my turn, if Mr. Martin was of his acquaintance; and, nodding thrice again, he
answered, that he had seen the gentleman.
    Before we left Hatfield, my uncle, fixing his eyes on Martin with such
expression as is more easily conceived than described, asked, if he often
travelled that road? and he replied with a look which denoted his understanding
the question, that he very seldom did business in that part of the country. In a
word, this adventurer favoured us with his company to the neighbourhood of
Stevenage, where he took his leave of the coach and me, in very polite terms,
and turned off upon a cross-road, that led to a village on the left - At supper,
Mrs. Tabby was very full in the praise of Mr. Martin's good-sense and
good-breeding, and seemed to regret that she had not a further opportunity to
make some experiment upon his affection. In the morning, my uncle was not a
little surprised to receive, from the waiter, a billet couched in these words -
 
        »Sir,
            I could easily perceive from your looks, when I had the honour to
        converse with you at Hatfield, that my character is not unknown to you;
        and, I dare say, you won't think it strange, that I should be glad to
        change my present way of life, for any other honest occupation, let it
        be ever so humble, that will afford me bread in moderation, and sleep in
        safety - Perhaps you may think I flatter, when I say, that from the
        moment I was witness to your generous concern in the cause of your
        servant, I conceived a particular esteem and veneration for your person;
        and yet what I say is true. I should think myself happy, if I could be
        admitted into your protection and service, as house-steward, clerk,
        butler, or bailiff, for either of which places I think myself tolerably
        well qualified; and, sure I am, I should not be found deficient in
        gratitude and fidelity - At the same time, I am very sensible how much
        you must deviate from the common maxims of discretion, even in putting
        my professions to the trial; but I don't look upon you as a person that
        thinks in the ordinary stile; and the delicacy of my situation, will, I
        know, justify this address to a heart warmed with beneficence and
        compassion - Understanding you are going pretty far north, I shall take
        an opportunity to throw myself in your way again, before you reach the
        borders of Scotland; and, I hope, by that time, you will have taken into
        consideration, the truly distressful case of,
honoured sir,
your very humble,
and devoted servant,
                                                                  EDWARD MARTIN«
 
The 'squire, having perused this letter, put it into my hand, without saying a
syllable; and when I had read it, we looked at each other in silence. From a
certain sparkling in his eyes, I discovered there was more in his heart, than he
cared to express with his tongue, in favour of poor Martin; and this was
precisely my own feeling, which he did not fail to discern, by the same means of
communication - »What shall we do (said he) to save this poor sinner from the
gallows, and make him a useful member of the commonwealth? and yet the proverb
says, Save a thief from the gallows, and he'll cut your throat.« I told him, I
really believed Martin was capable of giving the proverb the lie; and that I
should heartily concur in any step he might take in favour of his solicitation.
We mutually resolved to deliberate upon the subject, and, in the mean time,
proceeded on our journey. The roads having been broke up by the heavy rains in
the spring, were so rough, that although we travelled very slowly, the jolting
occasioned such pain to my uncle, that he was become exceedingly peevish when we
arrived at this place, which lies about eight miles from the post-road, between
Wetherby and Boroughbridge.
    Harrigate-water, so celebrated for its efficacy in the scurvy and other
distempers, is supplied from a copious spring, in the hollow of a wild common,
round which, a good many houses have been built for the convenience of the
drinkers, though few of them are inhabited. Most of the company lodge at some
distance, in five separate inns, situated in different parts of the common, from
whence they go every morning to the well, in their own carriages. The lodgers of
each inn form a distinct society, that eat together; and there is a commodious
public room, where they breakfast in dishabille, at separate tables, from eight
o'clock till eleven, as they chance or choose to come in - Here also they drink
tea in the afternoon, and play at cards or dance in the evening. One custom,
however, prevails, which I look upon as a solecism in politeness - The ladies
treat with tea in their turns; and even girls of sixteen are not exempted from
this shameful imposition - There is a public ball by subscription every night at
one of the houses, to which all the company from the others are admitted by
tickets; and, indeed, Harrigate treads upon the heels of Bath, in the articles
of gaiety and dissipation - with this difference, however, that here we are more
sociable and familiar. One of the inns is already full up to the very garrets,
having no less than fifty lodgers, and as many servants. Our family does not
exceed thirty-six; and I should be sorry to see the number augmented, as our
accommodations won't admit of much increase.
    At present, the company is more agreeable than one could expect from an
accidental assemblage of persons, who are utter strangers to one another - There
seems to be a general disposition among us to maintain good-fellowship, and
promote the purposes of humanity, in favour of those who come hither on the
score of health. I see several faces which we left at Bath, although the
majority are of the Northern counties, and many come from Scotland for the
benefit of these waters - In such a variety, there must be some originals, among
whom Mrs. Tabitha Bramble is not the most inconsiderable - No place where there
is such an intercourse between the sexes, can be disagreeable to a lady of her
views and temperament - She has had some warm disputes at table, with a lame
parson from Northumberland, on the new birth, and the insignificance of moral
virtue; and her arguments have been reinforced by an old Scotch lawyer, in a tye
periwig, who, though he has lost his teeth, and the use of his limbs, can still
wag his tongue with great volubility. He has paid her such fulsome compliments,
upon her piety and learning, as seem to have won her heart; and she, in her
turn, treats him with such attention as indicates a design upon his person; but,
by all accounts, he is too much a fox to be inveigled into any snare that she
can lay for his affection.
    We do not propose to stay long at Harrigate, though, at present, it is our
headquarters, from whence we shall make some excursions, to visit two or three
of our rich relations, who are settled in this county. - Pray, remember me to
all our friends of Jesus, and allow me to be still
yours affectionately,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Harrigate, June 23.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Doctor,
    Considering the tax we pay for turnpikes, the roads of this country
constitute a most intolerable grievance. Between Newark and Weatherby, I have
suffered more from jolting and swinging than ever I felt in the whole course of
my life, although the carriage is remarkably commodious and well hung, and the
postilions were very careful in driving. I am now safely housed at the New Inn,
at Harrigate, whither I came to satisfy my curiosity, rather than with any view
of advantage to my health; and, truly, after having considered all the parts and
particulars of the place, I cannot account for the concourse of people one finds
here, upon any other principle but that of caprice, which seems to be the
character of our nation.
    Harrigate is a wild common, bare and bleak, without tree or shrub, or the
least signs of cultivation; and the people who come to drink the water, are
crowded together in paltry inns, where the few tolerable rooms are monopolized
by the friends and favourites of the house, and all the rest of the lodgers are
obliged to put up with dirty holes, where there is neither space, air, nor
convenience. My apartment is about ten feet square; and when the folding bed is
down, there is just room sufficient to pass between it and the fire. One might
expect, indeed, that there would be no occasion for a fire at Midsummer; but
here the climate is so backward, that an ash tree, which our landlord has
planted before my window, is just beginning to put forth its leaves; and I am
fain to have my bed warmed every night.
    As for the water, which is said to have effected so many surprising cures, I
have drank it once, and the first draught has cured me of all desire to repeat
the medicine. - Some people say it smells of rotten eggs, and others compare it
to the scourings of a foul gun. - It is generally supposed to be strongly
impregnated with sulphur; and Dr. Shaw, in his book upon mineral waters, says,
he has seen flakes of sulphur floating in the well. - Pace tanti viri; I, for my
part, have never observed any thing like sulphur, either in or about the well,
neither do I find that any brimstone has ever been extracted from the water. As
for the smell, if I may be allowed to judge from my own organs, it is exactly
that of bilge-water; and the saline taste of it seems to declare that it is
nothing else than salt water putrified in the bowels of the earth. I was obliged
to hold my nose with one hand, while I advanced the glass to my mouth with the
other; and after I had made shift to swallow it, my stomach could hardly retain
what it had received. - The only effects it produced were sickness, griping, and
insurmountable disgust. - I can hardly mention it without puking. - The world is
strangely misled by the affectation of singularity. I cannot help suspecting,
that this water owes its reputation in a great measure to its being so
strikingly offensive. - On the same kind of analogy, a German doctor has
introduced hemlock and other poisons, as specifics, into the materia medica. - I
am persuaded, that all the cures ascribed to the Harrigate water, would have
been as efficaciously, and infinitely more agreeably performed, by the internal
and external use of sea-water. Sure I am, this last is much less nauseous to the
taste and smell, and much more gentle in its operation as a purge, as well as
more extensive in its medical qualities.
    Two days ago, we went across the country to visit 'squire Burdock, who
married a first cousin of my father, an heiress, who brought him an estate of a
thousand a year. This gentleman is a declared opponent of the ministry in
parliament; and having an opulent fortune, piques himself upon living in the
country, and maintaining old English hospitality. - By the bye, this is a phrase
very much used by the English themselves, both in words and writing; but I never
heard of it out of the island, except by way of irony and sarcasm. What the
hospitality of our fore-fathers has been I should be glad to see recorded,
rather in the memoirs of strangers who have visited our country, and were the
proper objects and judges of such hospitality, than in the discourse and
lucubrations of the modern English, who seem to describe it from theory and
conjecture. Certain it is, we are generally looked upon by foreigners, as a
people totally destitute of this virtue; and I never was in any country abroad,
where I did not meet with persons of distinction, who complained of having been
inhospitably used in Great Britain. A gentlemen of France, Italy, or Germany,
who has entertained and lodged an Englishman at his house, when he afterwards
meets with his guest at London, is asked to dinner at the Saracen's-head, the
Turk's-head, the Boar's-head, or the Bear, eats raw beef and butter, drinks
execrable port, and is allowed to pay his share of the reckoning.
    But to return from this digression, which my feeling for the honour of my
country obliged me to make - our Yorkshire cousin has been a mighty fox-hunter
before the Lord; but now he is too fat and unwieldy to leap ditches and five-bar
gates; nevertheless, he still keeps a pack of hounds, which are well exercised;
and his huntsman every night entertains him with the adventures of the day's
chase, which he recites in a tone and terms that are extremely curious and
significant. In the mean time, his broad brawn is scratched by one of his
grooms. - This fellow, it seems, having no inclination to curry any beast out of
the stable, was at great pains to scollop his nails in such a manner that the
blood followed at every stroke. - He was in hopes that he would be dismissed
from this disagreeable office, but the event turned out contrary to his
expectation. - His master declared he was the best scratcher in the family; and
now he will not suffer any other servant to draw a nail upon his carcase.
    The 'squire's lady is very proud, without being stiff or inaccessible. - She
receives even her inferiors in point of fortune with a kind of arrogant
civility; but then she thinks she has a right to treat them with the most
ungracious freedoms of speech, and never fails to let them know she is sensible
of her own superior affluence. - In a word, she speaks well of no living soul,
and has not one single friend in the world. Her husband hates her mortally; but,
although the brute is sometimes so very powerful in him that he will have his
own way, he generally truckles to her dominion, and dreads, like a schoolboy,
the lash of her tongue. On the other hand, she is afraid of provoking him too
far, lest he should make some desperate effort to shake off her yoke. - She,
therefore, acquiesces in the proofs he daily gives of his attachment to the
liberty of an English freeholder, by saying and doing, at his own table,
whatever gratifies the brutality of his disposition, or contributes to the ease
of his person. The house, though large, is neither elegant nor comfortable. - It
looks like a great inn, crowded with travellers, who dine at the landlord's
ordinary, where there is a great profusion of victuals and drink, but mine host
seems to be misplaced; and I would rather dine upon filberts with a hermit, than
feed upon venison with a hog. The footmen might be aptly compared to the waiters
of a tavern, if they were more serviceable and less rapacious; but they are
generally insolent and inattentive, and so greedy, that, I think, I can dine
better, and for less expense, at the Star and Garter in Pall-mall, than at our
cousin's castle in Yorkshire. The 'squire is not only accommodated with a wife,
but he is also blessed with an only son, about two and twenty, just returned
from Italy, a complete fidler and dillettante; and he slips no opportunity of
manifesting the most perfect contempt for his own father.
    When we arrived, there was a family of foreigners at the house, on a visit
to this virtuoso, with whom they had been acquainted at the Spa: it was the
count de Melville, with his lady, on their way to Scotland. Mr. Burdock had met
with an accident, in consequence of which both the count and I would have
retired, but the young gentleman and his mother insisted upon our staying
dinner; and their serenity seemed to be so little ruffled by what had happened,
that we complied with their invitation. The 'squire had been brought home over
night in his post-chaise, so terribly belaboured about the pate, that he seemed
to be in a state of stupefaction, and had ever since remained speechless. A
country apothecary, called Grieve, who lived in a neighbouring village, having
been called to his assistance, had let him blood, and applied a poultice to his
head, declaring, that he had no fever, nor any other bad symptom but the loss of
speech, if he really had lost that faculty. But the young 'squire said this
practitioner was an ignorantaccio, that there was a fracture in the cranium, and
that there was a necessity for having him trepanned without loss of time. His
mother, espousing this opinion, had sent an express to York for a surgeon to
perform the operation, and he was already come with his 'prentice and
instruments. Having examined the patient's head, he began to prepare his
dressings; though Grieve still retained his first opinion that there was no
fracture, and was the more confirmed in it as the 'squire had passed the night
in profound sleep, uninterrupted by any catching or convulsion. The York surgeon
said he could not tell whether there was a fracture, until he should take off
the scalp; but, at any rate, the operation might be of service in giving vent to
any blood that might be extravasated, either above or below the dura mater. The
lady and her son were clear for trying the experiment; and Grieve was dismissed
with some marks of contempt, which, perhaps, he owed to the plainness of his
appearance. He seemed to be about the middle age, wore his own black hair
without any sort of dressing; by his garb, one would have taken him for a
quaker, but he had none of the stiffness of that sect, on the contrary, he was
very submissive, respectful, and remarkably taciturn.
    Leaving the ladies in an apartment by themselves, we adjourned to the
patient's chamber, where the dressings and instruments were displayed in order
upon a pewter dish. The operator, laying aside his coat and periwig, equipped
himself with a night-cap, apron, and sleeves, while his 'prentice and footman,
seizing the 'squire's head, began to place it in a proper posture. - But mark
what followed. - The patient, bolting upright in the bed, collared each of these
assistants with the grasp of Hercules, exclaiming, in a bellowing tone, »I han't
lived so long in Yorkshire to be trepanned by such vermin as you;« and leaping
on the floor, put on his breeches quietly, to the astonishment of us all. The
surgeon still insisted upon the operation, alleging it was now plain that the
brain was injured, and desiring the servants to put him into bed again; but no
body would venture to execute his orders, or even to interpose: when the 'squire
turned him and his assistants out of doors, and threw his apparatus out at the
window. Having thus asserted his prerogative, and put on his clothes with the
help of a valet, the count, with my nephew and me, were introduced by his son,
and received with his usual stile of rustic civility; then turning to signor
Macaroni, with a sarcastic grin, »I tell thee what, Dick, (said he) a man's
scull is not to be bored every time his head is broken; and I'll convince thee
and thy mother, that I know as many tricks as e'er an old fox in the West
Riding.«
    We afterwards understood he had quarrelled at a public house with an
exciseman, whom he challenged to a bout at single stick, in which he had been
worsted; and that the shame of this defeat had tied up his tongue. As for madam,
she had shown no concern for his disaster, and now heard of his recovery without
emotion. - She had taken some little notice of my sister and niece, though
rather with a view to indulge her own petulance, than out of any sentiment of
regard to our family. - She said Liddy was a fright, and ordered her woman to
adjust her head before dinner; but she would not meddle with Tabby, whose
spirit, she soon perceived, was not to be irritated with impunity. At table, she
acknowledged me so far as to say she had heard of my father; though she hinted,
that he had disobliged her family by making a poor match in Wales. She was
disagreeably familiar in her enquiries about our circumstances; and asked, if I
intended to bring up my nephew to the law. I told her, that, as he had an
independent fortune, he should follow no profession but that of a country
gentleman; and that I was not without hopes of procuring for him a seat in
parliament. - »Pray, cousin, (said she) what may his fortune be?« When I
answered, that, with what I should be able to give him, he would have better
than two thousand a year, she replied, with a disdainful toss of her head, that
it would be impossible for him to preserve his independence on such a paltry
provision.
    Not a little nettled at this arrogant remark, I told her, I had the honour
to sit in parliament with her father, when he had little more than half that
income; and I believed there was not a more independent and incorruptible member
in the house. »Ay; but times are changed, (cried the 'squire) - Country
gentlemen now-a-days live after another fashion. - My table alone stands me in a
cool thousand a quarter, though I raise my own stock, import my own liquors, and
have every thing at the first hand. - True it is, I keep open house, and receive
all comers, for the honour of Old England.« »If that be the case, (said I) 'tis
a wonder you can maintain it at so small an expense; but every private gentleman
is not expected to keep a caravansera for the accommodation of travellers:
indeed, if every individual lived in the same stile, you would not have such a
number of guests at your table, of consequence your hospitality would not shine
so bright for the glory of the West Riding.« The young 'squire, tickled by this
ironical observation, exclaimed, »O che burla!« - His mother eyed me in silence
with a supercilious air; and the father of the feast, taking a bumper of
October, »My service to you, cousin Bramble, (said he) I have always heard there
was something keen and biting in the air of the Welch mountains.«
    I was much pleased with the count de Melville, who is sensible, easy, and
polite; and the countess is the most amiable woman I ever beheld. In the
afternoon they took leave of their entertainers, and the young gentleman,
mounting his horse, undertook to conduct their coach through the park, while one
of their servants rode round to give notice to the rest, whom they had left at a
public house on the road. The moment their backs were turned, the censorious
dæmon took possession of our Yorkshire landlady and our sister Tabitha. - The
former observed, that the countess was a good sort of a body, but totally
ignorant of good breeding, consequently awkward in her address. The 'squire said
he did not pretend to the breeding of any thing but colts; but that the jade
would be very handsome, if she was a little more in flesh. »Handsome! (cried
Tabby) she has indeed a pair of black eyes without any meaning; but then there
is not a good feature in her face.« »I know not what you call good features in
Wales; (replied our landlord) but they'll pass in Yorkshire.« Then turning to
Liddy, he added, »What say you, my pretty Redstreak? - what is your opinion of
the countess?« »I think, (cried Liddy, with great emotion) she's an angel.«
Tabby chide her for talking with such freedom in company; and the lady of the
house said, in a contemptuous tone, she supposed Miss had been brought up at
some country boarding-school.
    Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the young gentleman, who
galloped into the yard all aghast, exclaiming, that the coach was attacked by a
great number of highwaymen. My nephew and I rushing out, found his own and his
servant's horse ready saddled in the stable, with pistols in the caps. - We
mounted instantly, ordering Clinker and Dutton to follow with all possible
expedition; but notwithstanding all the speed we could make, the action was over
before we arrived, and the count, with his lady, safe lodged at the house of
Grieve, who had signalized himself in a very remarkable manner on this occasion.
At the turning of a lane, that led to the village where the count's servants
remained, a couple of robbers a-horseback suddenly appeared, with their pistols
advanced: one kept the coachman in awe, and the other demanded the count's
money, while the young 'squire went off at full speed, without ever casting a
look behind. The count desiring the thief to withdraw his pistol, as the lady
was in great terror, delivered his purse without making the least resistance;
but not satisfied with this booty, which was pretty considerable, the rascal
insisted upon rifling her of her ear-rings and necklace, and the countess
screamed with affright. Her husband, exasperated at the violence with which she
was threatened, wrested the pistol out of the fellow's hand, and turning it upon
him, snapped it in his face; but the robber knowing there was no charge in it,
drew another from his bosom, and in all probability would have killed him on the
spot, had not his life been saved by a wonderful interposition. Grieve, the
apothecary, chancing to pass that very instant, ran up to the coach, and with a
crab-stick, which was all the weapon he had, brought the fellow to the ground,
with the first blow; then seizing his pistol, presented it to his colleague, who
fired his piece at random, and fled without further opposition. The other was
secured by the assistance of the count and the coachman; and his legs being tied
under the belly of his own horse, Grieve conducted him to the village, whither
also the carriage proceeded. It was with great difficulty the countess could be
kept from swooning; but at last she was happily conveyed to the house of the
apothecary, who went into the shop to prepare some drops for her, while his wife
and daughter administered to her in another apartment.
    I found the count standing in the kitchen with the parson of the parish, and
expressing much impatience to see his protector, whom as yet he had scarce found
time to thank for the essential service he had done him and the countess. - The
daughter passing at the same time with a glass of water, monsieur de Melville
could not help taking notice of her figure, which was strikingly engaging. -
»Ay, (said the parson) she is the prettiest girl, and the best girl in all my
parish; and if I could give my son an estate of ten thousand a year, he should
have my consent to lay it at her feet. If Mr. Grieve had been as solicitous
about getting money, as he has been in performing all the duties of a primitive
Christian, Fy would not have hung so long upon his hands.« »What is her name?«
said I. »Sixteen years ago (answered the vicar) I christened her by the names of
Seraphina Melvilia.« »Ha! what! how! (cried the count eagerly) sure, you said
Seraphina Melvilia.« »I did; (said he) Mr. Grieve told me those were the names
of two noble persons abroad, to whom he had been obliged for more than life.«
    The count, without speaking another syllable, rushed into the parlour,
crying, »This is your god-daughter, my dear.« Mrs. Grieve, then seizing the
countess by the hand, exclaimed with great - agitation, »O madam! - O sir! - I
am - I am your poor Elinor. - This is my Seraphina Melvilia. - O child! these
are the count and countess of Melville, the generous - the glorious benefactors
of thy once unhappy parents.«
    The countess rising from her seat, threw her arms about the neck of the
amiable Seraphina, and clasped her to her breast with great tenderness, while
she herself was embraced by the weeping mother. This moving scene was completed
by the entrance of Grieve himself, who falling on his knees before the count,
»Behold (said he) a penitent, who at length can look upon his patron without
shrinking.« »Ah, Ferdinand! (cried he, raising and folding him in his arms) the
play-fellow of my infancy - the companion of my youth! - Is it to you then I am
indebted for my life?« »Heaven has heard my prayer, (said the other) and given
me an opportunity to prove myself not altogether unworthy of your clemency and
protection.« He then kissed the hand of the countess, while monsieur de Melville
saluted his wife and lovely daughter, and all of us were greatly affected by
this pathetic recognition.
    In a word, Grieve was no other than Ferdinand count Fathom, whose adventures
were printed many years ago. Being a sincere convert to virtue, he had changed
his name, that he might elude the enquiries of the count, whose generous
allowance he determined to forego, that he might have no dependence but upon his
own industry and moderation. He had accordingly settled in this village as a
practitioner in surgery and physic, and for some years wrestled with all the
miseries of indigence, which, however, he and his wife had borne with the most
exemplary resignation. At length, by dint of unwearied attention to the duties
of his profession, which he exercised with equal humanity and success, he had
acquired a tolerable share of business among the farmers and common people,
which enabled him to live in a decent manner. He had been scarce ever seen to
smile; was unaffectedly pious; and all the time he could spare from the
avocations of his employment he spent in educating his daughter, and in studying
for his own improvement. - In short, the adventurer Fathom was, under the name
of Grieve, universally respected among the commonalty of this district, as a
prodigy of learning and virtue. These particulars I learned from the vicar, when
we quitted the room, that they might be under no restraint in their mutual
effusions. I make no doubt that Grieve will be pressed to leave off business,
and re-unite himself to the count's family; and as the countess seemed extremely
fond of his daughter, she will, in all probability, insist upon Seraphina's
accompanying her to Scotland.
    Having paid our compliments to these noble persons, we returned to the
'squire's, where we expected an invitation to pass the night, which was wet and
raw; but, it seems, 'squire Burdock's hospitality reached not so far for the
honour of Yorkshire: we therefore departed in the evening, and lay at an inn,
where I caught cold.
    In hope of riding it down before it could take fast hold on my constitution,
I resolved to visit another relation, one Mr. Pimpernel, who lived about a dozen
miles from the place where we lodged. Pimpernel being the youngest of four sons,
was bred an attorney at Furnival's-inn; but all his elder brothers dying, he got
himself called to the bar for the honour of his family, and soon after this
preferment, succeeded to his father's estate, which was very considerable. He
carried home with him all the knavish chicanery of the lowest pettifogger,
together with a wife whom he had purchased of a drayman for twenty pounds; and
he soon found means to obtain a dedimus as an acting justice of peace. He is not
only a sordid miser in his disposition, but his avarice is mingled with a spirit
of despotism, which is truly diabolical. - He is a brutal husband, an unnatural
parent, a harsh master, an oppressive landlord, a litigious neighbour, and a
partial magistrate. - Friends he has none; and in point of hospitality and good
breeding, our cousin Burdock is a prince in comparison of this ungracious
miscreant, whose house is the lively representation of a gaol. Our reception was
suitable to the character I have sketched. Had it depended upon the wife, we
should have been kindly treated. - She is really a good sort of a woman, in
spite of her low original, and well respected in the county; but she has not
interest enough in her own house to command a draught of table-beer, far less to
bestow any kind of education on her children, who run about like ragged colts,
in a state of nature. - Pox on him! he is such a dirty fellow, that I have not
patience to prosecute the subject.
    By that time we reached Harrigate, I began to be visited-by certain
rheumatic symptoms. The Scotch lawyer, Mr. Micklewhimmen, recommended a hot bath
of these waters so earnestly, that I was over-persuaded to try the experiment. -
He had used it often with success, and always stayed an hour in the bath, which
was a tub filled with Harrigate water, heated for the purpose. If I could hardly
bear the smell of a single tumbler when cold, you may guess how my nose was
regaled by the steams arising from a hot bath of the same fluid. At night, I was
conducted into a dark hole on the ground floor, where the tub smoked and stunk
like the pot of Acheron, in one corner, and in another stood a dirty bed
provided with thick blankets, in which I was to sweat after coming out of the
bath. My heart seemed to die within me when I entered this dismal bagnio, and
found my brain assaulted by such insufferable effluvia. - I cursed Micklewhimmen
for not considering that my organs were formed on this side of the Tweed; but
being ashamed to recoil upon the threshold, I submitted to the process.
    After having endured all but real suffocation for above a quarter of an hour
in the tub, I was moved to the bed and wrapped in blankets. - There I lay a full
hour panting with intolerable heat; but not the least moisture appearing on my
skin, I was carried to my own chamber, and passed the night without closing an
eye, in such a flutter of spirits as rendered me the most miserable wretch in
being. I should certainly have run distracted, if the rarefaction of my blood,
occasioned by that Stygian bath, had not burst the vessels, and produced a
violent hæmorrhage, which, though dreadful and alarming, removed the horrible
disquiet. - I lost two pounds of blood, and more, on this occasion; and find
myself still weak and languid; but, I believe, a little exercise will forward my
recovery; and therefore I am resolved to set out to-morrow for York, in my way
to Scarborough, where I propose to brace up my fibres by sea-bathing, which, I
know, is one of your favourite specifics. There is, however, one disease, for
which you have found as yet no specific, and that is old age, of which this
tedious unconnected epistle is an infallible symptom: - what, therefore, cannot
be cured, must be endured, by you, as well as by
Yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Harrigate, June 26.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Knight,
    The manner of living at Harrigate was so agreeable to my disposition, that I
left the place with some regret - Our aunt Tabby would have probably made some
objection to our departing so soon, had not an accident embroiled her with Mr.
Micklewhimmen, the Scotch advocate, on whose heart she had been practising, from
the second day after our arrival - That original, though seemingly precluded
from the use of his limbs, had turned his genius to good account - In short, by
dint of groaning, and whining, he had excited the compassion of the company so
effectually, that an old lady, who occupied the very best apartment in the
house, gave it up for his ease and convenience. When his man led him into the
Long Room, all the females were immediately in commotion - One set an
elbow-chair; another shook up the cushion; a third brought a stool; and a fourth
a pillow, for the accommodation of his feet - Two ladies (of whom Tabby was
always one) supported him into the dining-room, and placed him properly at the
table; and his taste was indulged with a succession of delicacies, culled by
their fair hands. All this attention he repaid with a profusion of compliments
and benedictions, which were not the less agreeable for being delivered in the
Scottish dialect. As for Mrs. Tabitha, his respects were particularly addressed
to her, and he did not fail to mingle them with religious reflections, touching
free grace, knowing her bias to methodism, which he also professed upon a
calvinistical model.
    For my part, I could not help thinking this lawyer was not such an invalid
as he pretended to be. I observed he ate very heartily three times a-day; and
though his bottle was marked stomachic tincture, he had recourse to it so often,
and seemed to swallow it with such peculiar relish, that I suspected it was not
compounded in the apothecary's shop, or the chemist's laboratory. One day, while
he was earnest in discourse with Mrs. Tabitha, and his servant had gone out on
some occasion or other, I dexterously exchanged the labels, and situation of his
bottle and mine; and having tasted his tincture, found it was excellent claret.
I forthwith handed it about to some of my neighbours, and it was quite emptied
before Mr. Micklewhimmen had occasion to repeat his draught. At length, turning
about, he took hold of my bottle, instead of his own, and, filling a large
glass, drank to the health of Mrs. Tabitha - It had scarce touched his lips,
when he perceived the change which had been put upon him, and was at first a
little out of countenance - He seemed to retire within himself, in order to
deliberate, and in half a minute his resolution was taken; addressing himself to
our quarter, »I give the gentleman cradit for his wit (said he); it was a good
practical joke; but sometimes hi joci in seria ducunt mala - I hope for his own
sake, he has na drank all the liccor; for it was a vara poorful infusion of
jallap in Bourdeaux wine; and it's possable he may ha ta'en sic a dose as will
produce a terrible catastrophe in his ain booels -«
    By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the share of a young
clothier from Leeds, who had come to make a figure at Harrigate, and was, in
effect a great coxcomb in his way. It was with a view to laugh at his
fellow-guests, as well as to mortify the lawyer, that he had emptied the bottle,
when it came to his turn, and he had laughed accordingly: but now his mirth gave
way to his apprehension - He began to spit, to make wry faces, and writhe
himself into various contorsions - »Damn the stuff! (cried he) I thought it had
a villainous twang - pah! He that would cozen a Scot, mun get oop betimes, and
take Old Scratch for his counsellor -« »In troth mester what d'ye ca'um,
(replied the lawyer) your wit has run you into a filthy puddle - I'm truly
consarned for your waeful case - The best advice I can give you, in sic a
delemma, is to send an express to Rippon for doctor Waugh, without delay, and,
in the mean time, swallow all the oil and butter you can find in the hoose, to
defend your poor stomach and intastines from the villication of the particles of
the jallap, which is vara violent, even when taken in moderation.«
    The poor clothier's torments had already begun: he retired, roaring with
pain, to his own chamber; the oil was swallowed, and the doctor sent for; but
before he arrived, the miserable patient had made such discharges upwards and
downwards, that nothing remained to give him further offence; and this double
evacuation, was produced by imagination alone; for what he had drank was genuine
wine of Bourdeaux, which the lawyer had brought from Scotland for his own
private use. The clothier, finding the joke turn out so expensive and
disagreeable, quitted the house next morning, leaving the triumph to
Micklewhimmen, who enjoyed it internally, without any outward signs of
exultation - on the contrary, he affected to pity the young man for what he had
suffered; and acquired fresh credit from this show of moderation.
    It was about the middle of the night, which succeeded this adventure, that
the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul, the soot took fire, and the alarm
was given in a dreadful manner - Every body leaped naked out of bed, and in a
minute the whole house was filled with cries and confusion - There were two
stairs in the house, and to these we naturally ran; but they were both so
blocked up, by the people pressing one upon another, that it seemed impossible
to pass, without throwing down and trampling upon the women. In the midst of
this anarchy, Mr. Micklewhimmen, with a leathern portmanteau on his back, came
running as nimble as a buck along the passage; and Tabby, in her
under-petticoat, endeavouring to hook him under the arm, that she might escape
through his protection, he very fairly pushed her down, crying »Na, na, good
faith, charity begins at hame!« Without paying the least respect to the shrieks
and entreaties of his female friends, he charged through the midst of the crowd,
overturning every thing that opposed him; and actually fought his way to the
bottom of the stair-case - By this time Clinker had found a ladder, by which he
entered the window of my uncle's chamber, where our family was assembled, and
proposed that we should make our exit successively by that conveyance. The
'squire exhorted his sister to begin the descent; but, before she could resolve,
her woman, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, in a transport of terror, threw herself out at
the window upon the ladder, while Humphry dropped upon the ground, that he might
receive her in her descent - This maiden was just as she had started out of bed,
the moon shone very bright, and a fresh breeze of wind blowing, none of Mrs.
Winifred's beauties could possibly escape the view of the fortunate Clinker,
whose heart was not able to withstand the united force of so many charms; at
least, I am much mistaken, if he has not been her humble slave from that moment
- He received her in his arms, and giving her his coat to protect her from the
weather, ascended again with admirable dexterity.
    At that instant, the landlord of the house called out with an audible voice,
that the fire was extinguished, and the ladies had nothing further to fear: this
was a welcome note to the audience, and produced an immediate effect; the
shrieking ceased, and a confused sound of expostulation ensued. I conducted Mrs.
Tabitha and my sister to their own chamber, where Liddy fainted away; but was
soon brought to herself. Then I went to offer my services to the other ladies,
who might want assistance - They were all scudding through the passage to their
several apartments; and as the thoroughfair was lighted by two lamps, I had a
pretty good observation of them in their transit; but as most of them were naked
to the smock, and all their heads shrowded in huge nightcaps, I could not
distinguish one face from another, though I recognized some of their voices -
These were generally plaintive: some wept, some scolded, and some prayed - I
lifted up one poor old gentlewoman, who had been overturned and sore bruised by
a multitude of feet; and this was also the case with the lame parson from
Northumberland, whom Micklewhimmen had in his passage overthrown, though not
with impunity, for the cripple, in falling, gave him such a good pelt on the
head with his crutch, that the blood followed.
    As for this lawyer, he waited below till the hurly burly was over, and then
stole softly to his own chamber, from whence he did not venture to make a second
sally till eleven in the forenoon, when he was led into the Public Room by his
own servant and another assistant, groaning most woefully, with a bloody napkin
round his head. But things were greatly altered - The selfish brutality of his
behaviour on the stairs had steeled their hearts against all his arts and
address - Not a soul offered to accommodate him with chair, cushion, or
footstool; so that he was obliged to sit down on a hard wooden bench - In that
position, he looked around with a rueful aspect, and, bowing very low, said in a
whining tone, »Your most humble servant, ladies - Fire is a dreadful calamity -«
»Fire purifies gold, and it tries friendship,« cried Mrs. Tabitha, bridling.
»Yea, madam (replied Micklewhimmen); and it trieth discretion also -« »If
discretion consists in forsaking a friend in adversity, you are eminently
possessed of that virtue,« resumed our aunt - »Na, madam, (rejoined the
advocate) well I wot, I cannot claim any merit from the mode of my retreat -
Ye'll please to observe, ladies, there are twa independent principles that
actuate our nature - One is instinct, which we have in common with the brute
creation, and the other is reason - Noo, in certain great emergencies, when the
faculty of reason is suspended, instinct taks the lead, and when this
predominates, having no affinity with reason, it pays no sort of regard to its
connections; it only operates for the preservation of the individual, and that
by the most expeditious and effectual means; therefore, begging your pardon,
ladies, I'm no accountable in foro conscientiæ, for what I did, while under the
influence of this irresistible pooer.«
    Here my uncle interposing, »I should be glad to know, (said he) whether it
was instinct that prompted you to retreat with bag and baggage; for, I think,
you had a portmanteau on your shoulder -« The lawyer answered, without
hesitation, »Gif I might tell my mind freely, withoot incuring the suspicion of
presumption, I should think it was something superior to either reason or
instinct which suggested that measure, and this on a twafald accoont: in the
first place, the portmanteau contained the writings of a worthy nobleman's
estate; and their being burnt would have occasioned a loss that could not be
repaired; secondly, my good angel seems to have laid the portmantle on my
shoulders, by way of defence, to sustain the violence of a most inhuman blow,
from the crutch of a reverend clergyman; which, even in spite of that medium,
hath wounded me sorely, even unto the pericranium.« »By your own doctrine,
(cried the parson, who chanced to be present) I am not accountable for the blow,
which was the effect of instinct.« »I crave your pardon, reverend sir, (said the
other) instinct never acts but for the preservation of the individual; but your
preservation was out of the case - you had already received the damage, and
therefore the blow must be imputed to revenge, which is a sinful passion, that
ill becomes any Christian, especially a protestant divine; and let me tell you,
most reverend doctor, gin I had a-mind to plea, the law would hauld my libel
relevant.« »Why, the damage is pretty equal on both sides, (cried the parson);
your head is broke, and my crutch is snapt in the middle - Now, if you will
repair the one, I will be at the expense of curing the other.«
    This sally raised the laugh against Micklewhimmen, who began to look grave;
when my uncle, in order to change the discourse, observed, that instinct had
been very kind to him in another respect; for it had restored to him the use of
his limbs, which, in his exit, he had moved with surprising agility. - He
replied, that it was the nature of fear to brace up the nerves; and mentioned
some surprising feats of strength and activity performed by persons under the
impulse of terror; but he complained, that in his own particular, the effects
had ceased when the cause was taken away - The 'squire said, he would lay a
tea-drinking on his head, that he should dance a Scotch measure, without making
a false step; and the advocate grinning, called for the piper - A fiddler being
at hand, this original started up, with his bloody napkin over his black
tyeperiwig, and acquitted himself in such a manner as excited the mirth of the
whole company; but he could not regain the good graces of Mrs. Tabby, who did
not understand the principle of instinct; and the lawyer did not think it worth
his while to proceed to further demonstration.
    From Harrigate, we came hither, by the way of York, and here we shall tarry
some days, as my uncle and Tabitha are both resolved to make use of the waters.
Scarborough, though a paltry town, is romantic from its situation along a cliff
that over-hangs the sea. The harbour is formed by a small elbow of land that
runs out as a natural mole, directly opposite to the town; and on that side is
the castle, which stands very high, of considerable extent, and, before the
invention of gunpowder, was counted impregnable. At the other end of Scarborough
are two public rooms for the use of the company, who resort to this place in the
summer, to drink the waters and bathe in the sea; and the diversions are pretty
much on the same footing here as at Bath. The Spa is a little way beyond the
town, on this side, under a cliff, within a few paces of the sea, and thither
the drinkers go every morning in dishabille; but the descent is by a great
number of steps, which invalids find very inconvenient. Betwixt the well and the
harbour, the bathing machines are ranged along the beach, with all their proper
utensils and attendants - You have never seen one of these machines - Image to
yourself a small, snug, wooden chamber, fixed upon a wheel-carriage, having a
door at each end, and on each side a little window above, a bench below - The
bather, ascending into this apartment by wooden steps, shuts himself in, and
begins to undress, while the attendant yokes a horse to the end next the sea,
and draws the carriage forwards, till the surface of the water is on a level
with the floor of the dressing-room, then he moves and fixes the horse to the
other end - The person within, being stripped, opens the door to the sea-ward,
where he finds the guide ready, and plunges head-long into the water - After
having bathed, he re-ascends into the apartment, by the steps which had been
shifted for that purpose, and puts on his clothes at his leisure, while the
carriage is drawn back again upon the dry land; so that he has nothing further
to do, but to open the door, and come down as he went up - Should he be so weak
or ill as to require a servant to put off and on his clothes, there is room
enough in the apartment for half a dozen people. The guides who attend the
ladies in the water, are of their own sex, and they and the female bathers have
a dress of flannel for the sea; nay, they are provided with other conveniences
for the support of decorum. A certain number of the machines are fitted with
tilts, that project from the sea-ward ends of them, so as to screen the bathers
from the view of all persons whatsoever - The beach is admirably adapted for
this practice, the descent being gently gradual, and the sand soft as velvet;
but then the machines can be used only at a certain time of the tide, which
varies every day; so that sometimes the bathers are obliged to rise very early
in the morning - For my part, I love swimming as an exercise, and can enjoy it
at all times of the tide, without the formality of an apparatus - You and I have
often plunged together into the Isis; but the sea is a much more noble bath, for
health as well as pleasure. You cannot conceive what a flow of spirits it gives,
and how it braces every sinew of the human frame. Were I to enumerate half the
diseases which are every day cured by sea-bathing, you might justly say you had
received a treatise, instead of a letter, from
your affectionate friend
and servant,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Scarborough, July 1.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

I have not found all the benefit I expected at Scarborough, were I have been
these eight days - From Harrigate we came hither by the way of York, where we
stayed only one day to visit the Castle, the Minster, and the Assembly-room. The
first, which was heretofore a fortress, is now converted to a prison, and is the
best, in all respects, I ever saw at home or abroad - It stands in a high
situation, extremely well ventilated; and has a spacious area within the walls,
for the health and convenience of all the prisoners, except those whom it is
necessary to secure in close confinement - Even these last have all the comforts
that the nature of their situation can admit. Here the assizes are held, in a
range of buildings erected for that purpose.
    As for the Minster, I know not how to distinguish it, except by its great
size and the height of its spire, from those other ancient churches in different
parts of the kingdom, which used to be called monuments of Gothic architecture;
but it is now agreed, that this stile is Saracen rather than Gothic; and, I
suppose, it was first imported into England from Spain, great part of which was
under the dominion of the Moors. Those British architects, who adopted this
stile, don't seem to have considered the propriety of their adoption. The
climate of the country, possessed by the Moors or Saracens, both in Africa and
Spain, was so exceedingly hot and dry, that those who built places of worship
for the multitude, employed their talents in contriving edifices that should be
cool; and, for this purpose, nothing could be better adapted than those
buildings; vast, narrow, dark, and lofty, impervious to the sunbeams, and having
little communication with the scorched external atmosphere; but ever affording a
refreshing coolness, like subterranean cellars in the heats of summer, or
natural caverns in the bowels of huge mountains. But nothing could be more
preposterous, than to imitate such a mode of architecture in a country like
England, where the climate is cold, and the air eternally loaded with vapours;
and where, of consequence, the builder's intention should be to keep the people
dry and - warm For my part, I never entered the Abbey church at Bath but once,
and the moment I stepped over the threshold, I found myself chilled to the very
marrow of my bones - When we consider, that in our churches, in general, we
breathe a gross stagnated air, surcharged with damps from vaults, tombs, and
charnel-houses, may we not term them so many magazines of rheums, created for
the benefit of the medical faculty? and safely aver, that more bodies are lost,
than souls saved, by going to church, in the winter especially, which may be
said to engross eight months in the year. I should be glad to know, what offence
it would give to tender consciences, if the house of God was made more
comfortable, or less dangerous to the health of valetudinarians; and whether it
would not be an encouragement to piety, as well as the salvation of many lives,
if the place of worship was well floored, wainscotted, warmed, and ventilated,
and its area kept sacred from the pollution of the dead. The practice of burying
in churches was the effect of ignorant superstition, influenced by knavish
priests, who pretended that the devil could have no power over the defunct, if
he was interred in holy ground; and this, indeed, is the only reason that can be
given for consecrating all cemeteries, even at this day.
    The external appearance of an old cathedral cannot be but displeasing to the
eye of every man, who has any idea of propriety and proportion, even though he
may be ignorant of architecture as a science; and the long slender spire puts
one in mind of a criminal impaled, with a sharp stake rising up through his
shoulder - These towers, or steeples, were likewise borrowed from the
Mahometans; who, having no bells, used such minarets for the purpose of calling
the people to prayers - They may be of further use, however, for making
observations and signals; but I would vote for their being distinct from the
body of the church, because they serve only to make the pile more barbarous, or
Saracenical.
    There is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the Assembly Room, which
seems to me to have been built upon a design of Palladio, and might be converted
into an elegant place of worship; but it is indifferently contrived for that
sort of idolatry which is performed in it at present: the grandeur of the fane
gives a diminutive effect to the little painted divinities that are adored in
it, and the company, on a ball-night, must look like an assembly of fantastic
fairies, revelling by moon-light among the columns of a Grecian temple.
    Scarborough seems to be falling off, in point of reputation - All these
places (Bath excepted) have their vogue, and then the fashion changes - I am
persuaded, there are fifty spaws in England as efficacious and salutary as that
of Scarborough, though they have not yet risen to fame; and, perhaps, never
will, unless some medical encomiast should find an interest in displaying their
virtues to the public view - Be that as it may, recourse will always be had to
this place for the convenience of sea-bathing, while this practice prevails; but
it were to be wished, they would make the beach more accessible to invalids.
    I have here met with my old acquaintance, H--t, whom you have often heard me
mention as one of the most original characters upon earth - I first knew him at
Venice, and afterwards saw him in different parts of Italy, where he was well
known by the nick-name of Cavallo Bianco, from his appearing always mounted on a
pale horse, like Death in the Revelations. You must remember the account I once
gave you of a curious dispute he had at Constantinople, with a couple of Turks,
in defence of the Christian religion; a dispute from which he acquired the
epithet of Demonstrator - The truth is, H-- owns no religion but that of nature;
but, on this occasion, he was stimulated to show his parts, for the honour of
his country - Some years ago, being in the Campidoglio at Rome, he made up to
the bust of Jupiter, and, bowing very low, exclaimed in the Italian language, »I
hope, sir, if ever you get your head above water again, you will remember that I
paid my respects to you in your adversity.« This sally was reported to the
cardinal Camerlengo, and by him laid before pope Benedict XIV. who could not
help laughing at the extravagance of the address, and said to the cardinal,
»Those English heretics think they have a right to go to the devil in their own
way.«
    Indeed H-- was the only Englishman I ever knew, who had resolution enough to
live in his own way, in the midst of foreigners; for, neither in dress, diet,
customs, or conversation, did he deviate one tittle from the manner in which he
had been brought up. About twelve years ago, he began a Giro or circuit, which
he thus performed - At Naples, where he fixed his head-quarters, he embarked for
Marseilles, from whence he travelled with a voiturin to Antibes - There he took
his passage to Genoa and Lerici; from which last place he proceeded, by the way
of Cambratina, to Pisa and Florence - After having halted some time in this
metropolis, he set out with a Vetturino for Rome, where he reposed himself a few
weeks, and then continued his route for Naples, in order to wait for the next
opportunity of embarkation - After having twelve times described this circle, he
lately flew off at a tangent to visit some trees at his country-house in
England, which he had planted above twenty years ago, after the plan of the
double colonnade in the piazza of St. Peter's at Rome - He came hither to
Scarborough, to pay his respects to his noble friend and former pupil, the M--
of G--, and, forgetting that he is now turned of seventy, sacrificed so
liberally to Bacchus, that next day he was seized with a fit of the apoplexy,
which has a little impaired his memory; but he retains all the oddity of his
character in perfection, and is going back to Italy, by the way of Geneva, that
he may have a conference with his friend Voltaire, about giving the last blow to
the Christian superstition - He intends to take shipping here for Holland or
Hamburgh; for it is a matter of great indifference to him at what part of the
continent he first lands.
    When he was going abroad the last time, he took his passage in a ship bound
for Leghorn, and his baggage was actually embarked. In going down the river by
water, he was by mistake put on board of another vessel under sail; and, upon
inquiry, understood she was bound to Petersburgh - »Petersburgh, - Petersburgh -
(said he) I don't care if I go along with you.« He forthwith struck a bargain
with the captain; bought a couple of shirts of the mate, and was safe conveyed
to the court of Muscovy, from whence he travelled by land to receive his baggage
at Leghorn - He is now more likely than ever to execute a whim of the same
nature; and I will hold any wager, that, as he cannot be supposed to live much
longer, according to the course of nature, his exit will be as odd as his life
has been extravagant.1
    But, to return from one humourist to another; you most know I have received
benefit, both from the chalybeate and the sea, and would have used them longer,
had not a most ridiculous adventure, by making me the town-talk, obliged me to
leave the place; for I can't bear the thoughts of affording a spectacle to the
multitude - Yesterday morning, at six o'clock, I went down to the bathing-place,
attended by my servant Clinker, who waited on the beach as usual - The wind
blowing from the north, and the weather being hazy, the water proved so chill,
that when I rose from my first plunge, I could not help sobbing and bawling out,
from the effects of the cold. Clinker, who heard me cry, and saw me indistinctly
a good way without the guide, buffetting the waves, took it for granted I was
drowning, and rushing into the sea, clothes and all, overturned the guide in his
hurry to save his master. I had swam out a few strokes, when hearing a noise, I
turned about and saw Clinker, already up to his neck, advancing towards me, with
all the wildness of terror in his aspect - Afraid he would get out of his depth,
I made haste to meet him, when, all of a sudden, he seized me by one ear, and
dragged me bellowing with pain upon the dry beach, to the astonishment of all
the people, men, women, and children there assembled.
    I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear, and the disgrace of being
exposed in such an attitude, that, in the first transport, I struck him down;
then running back into the sea, took shelter in the machine where my clothes had
been deposited. I soon recollected myself so far as to do justice to the poor
fellow, who, in great simplicity of heart, had acted from motives of fidelity
and affection - Opening the door of the machine, which was immediately drawn on
shore, I saw him standing by the wheel, dropping like a water-work, and
trembling from head to foot; partly from cold, and partly from the dread of
having offended his master - I made my acknowledgments for the blow he had
received, assured him I was not angry, and insisted upon his going home
immediately, to shift his clothes; a command which he could hardly find in his
heart to execute, so well disposed was he to furnish the mob with further
entertainment at my expense. Clinker's intention was laudable without all doubt,
but, nevertheless, I am a sufferer by his simplicity - I have had a burning
heat, and a strange buzzing noise in that ear, ever since it was so roughly
treated; and I cannot walk the street without being pointed at, as the monster
that was hauled naked a-shore upon the beach - Well, I affirm that folly is
often more provoking than knavery, aye and more mischievous too; and whether a
man had not better choose a sensible rogue, than an honest simpleton for his
servant, is no matter of doubt with
yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Scarborough, July 4.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Watt,
    We made a precipitate retreat from Scarborough, owing to the excessive
delicacy of our 'squire, who cannot bear the thoughts of being prætereuntium
digito monstratus.
    One morning, while he was bathing in the sea, his man Clinker took it in his
head that his master was in danger of drowning; and, in this conceit, plunging
into the water, he lugged him out naked on the beach, and almost pulled off his
ear in the operation. You may guess how this atchievement was relished by Mr.
Bramble, who is impatient, irascible, and has the most extravagant ideas of
decency and decorum in the economy of his own person - In the first ebullition
of his choler, he knocked Clinker down with his fist; but he afterwards made him
amends for this outrage, and, in order to avoid the further notice of the
people, among whom this incident had made him remarkable, he resolved to leave
Scarborough next day.
    We set out accordingly over the moors, by the way of Whitby, and began our
journey betimes, in hopes of reaching Stockton that night; but in this hope we
were disappointed - In the afternoon, crossing a deep gutter, made by a torrent,
the coach was so hard strained, that one of the irons, which connect the frame,
snapt, and the leather sling on the same side, cracked in the middle - The shock
was so great, that my sister Liddy struck her head against Mrs. Tabitha's nose
with such violence that the blood flowed; and Win Jenkins was darted through a
small window, in that part of the carriage next the horses, where she stuck like
a bawd in the pillory, till she was released by the hand of Mr. Bramble. We were
eight miles distant from any place where we could be supplied with chaises, and
it was impossible to proceed with the coach, until the damage should be repaired
- In this dilemma, we discovered a black-smith's forge on the edge of a small
common, about half a mile from the scene of our disaster, and thither the
postillions made shift to draw the carriage slowly, while the company walked
a-foot; but we found the black-smith had been dead some days; and his wife, who
had been lately delivered, was deprived of her senses, under the care of a
nurse, hired by the parish. We were exceedingly mortified at this
disappointment, which, however, was surmounted by the help of Humphry Clinker,
who is a surprising compound of genius and simplicity. Finding the tools of the
defunct, together with some coals in the smithy, he unscrewed the damaged iron
in a twinkling, and, kindling a fire, united the broken pieces with equal
dexterity and dispatch - While he was at work upon this operation, the poor
woman in the straw, struck with the well-known sound of the hammer and anvil,
started up, and, notwithstanding all the nurse's efforts, came running into the
smithy, where, throwing her arms about Clinker's neck, »Ah, Jacob! (cried she)
how could you leave me in such a condition?«
    This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth - it brought tears into the
eyes of all present. The poor widow was put to bed again; and we did not leave
the village without doing something for her benefit - Even Tabitha's charity was
awakened on this occasion. As for the tender-hearted Humphry Clinker, he
hammered the iron and wept at the same time - But his ingenuity was not confined
to his own province of farrier and black-smith - It was necessary to join the
leather sling, which had been broke; and this service he likewise performed, by
means of a broken awl, which he new-pointed and ground, a little hemp, which he
spun into lingels, and a few tacks which he made for the purpose - Upon the
whole, we were in a condition to proceed in little more than an hour; but even
this delay obliged us to pass the night at Gisborough - Next day we crossed the
Tees at Stockton, which is a neat agreeable town; and there we resolved to dine,
with purpose to lie at Durham.
    Whom should we meet in the yard, when we alighted, but Martin the
adventurer? Having handed out the ladies, and conducted them into an apartment,
where he paid his compliments to Mrs. Tabby, with his usual address, he begged
leave to speak to my uncle in another room; and there, in some confusion, he
made an apology for having taken the liberty to trouble him with the letter at
Stevenage. He expressed his hope, that Mr. Bramble had bestowed some
consideration on his unhappy case, and repeated his desire of being taken into
his service.
    My uncle, calling me into the room, told him, that we were both very well
inclined to rescue him from a way of life that was equally dangerous and
dishonourable; and that he should have no scruples in trusting to his gratitude
and fidelity, if he had any employment for him, which he thought would suit his
qualifications and his circumstances; but that all the departments he had
mentioned in his letter, were filled up by persons of whose conduct he had no
reason to complain; of consequence he could not, without injustice, deprive any
one of them of his bread - Nevertheless, he declared himself ready to assist him
in any feasible project, either with his purse or credit.
    Martin seemed deeply touched at this declaration - The tear started in his
eye, while he said, in a faltering accent - »Worthy sir - your generosity
oppresses me - I never dreamed of troubling you for any pecuniary assistance -
indeed I have no occasion - I have been so lucky at billiards and betting in
different places, at Buxton, Harrigate, Scarborough, and Newcastle races, that
my stock in ready-money amounts to three hundred pounds, which I would willingly
employ in prosecuting some honest scheme of life; but my friend, justice
Buzzard, has set so many springs for my life, that I am under the necessity of
either retiring immediately to a remote part of the country, where I can enjoy
the protection of some generous patron, or of quitting the kingdom altogether -
It is upon this alternative that I now beg leave to ask your advice - I have had
information of all your route, since I had the honour to see you at Stevenage;
and, supposing you would come this way from Scarborough, I came hither last
night from Darlington, to pay you my respects.«
    »It would be no difficult matter to provide you with an asylum in the
country (replied my uncle); but a life of indolence and obscurity would not suit
with your active and enterprizing disposition - I would therefore advise you to
try your fortune in the East Indies - will give you a letter to a friend in
London, who will recommend you to the direction, for a commission in the
company's service; and if that cannot be obtained, you will at least be received
as a volunteer - in which case, you may pay for your passage, and I shall
undertake to procure you such credentials, that you will not be long without a
commission.«
    Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness; it was therefore
resolved, that he should sell his horse, and take a passage by sea for London,
to execute the project without delay - In the mean time he accompanied us to
Durham, where we took up our quarters for the night - Here, being furnished with
letters from my uncle, he took his leave of us, with strong symptoms of
gratitude and attachment, and set out for Sunderland, in order to embark in the
first collier, bound for the river Thames. He had not been gone half an hour,
when we were joined by another character, which promised something extraordinary
- A tall, meagre figure, answering, with his horse, the description of Don
Quixote mounted on Rozinante, appeared in the twilight at the inn door, while my
aunt and Liddy stood at a window in the dining-room - He wore a coat, the cloth
of which had once been scarlet, trimmed with Brandenburgs, now totally deprived
of their metal, and he had holster-caps and housing of the same stuff and same
antiquity. Perceiving ladies at the window above, he endeavoured to dismount
with the most graceful air he could assume; but the ostler neglecting to hold
the stirrup when he wheeled off his right foot, and stood with his whole weight
on the other, the girth unfortunately gave way, the saddle turned, down came the
cavalier to the ground, and his hat and periwig falling off, displayed a
head-piece of various colours, patched and plaistered in a woeful condition -
The ladies, at the window above, shrieked with affright, on the supposition that
the stranger had received some notable damages in his fall; but the greatest
injury he had sustained arose from the dishonour of his descent, aggravated by
the disgrace of exposing the condition of his cranium; for certain plebeians
that were about the door, laughed aloud, in the belief that the captain had got
either a scald head, or a broken head, both equally opprobrious.
    He forthwith leaped up in a fury, and snatching one of his pistols,
threatened to put the ostler to death, when another squall from the women
checked his resentment. He then bowed to the window, while he kissed the but-end
of his pistol, which he replaced; adjusted his wig in great confusion, and led
his horse into the stable - By this time I had come to the door, and could not
help gazing at the strange figure that presented itself to my view - He would
have measured above six feet in height, had he stood upright; but he stooped
very much; was very narrow in the shoulders, and very thick in the calves of his
legs, which were cased in black spatter-dashes - As for his thighs, they were
long and slender, like those of a grasshopper; his face was, at least, half a
yard in length, brown and shrivelled, with projecting cheek-bones, little grey
eyes on the greenish hue, a large hook-nose, a pointed chin, a mouth from ear to
ear, very ill furnished with teeth, and a high, narrow fore-head, well furrowed
with wrinkles. His horse was exactly in the stile of its rider; a resurrection
of dry bones, which (as we afterwards learned) he valued exceedingly, as the
only present he had ever received in his life.
    Having seen this favourite steed properly accommodated in the stable, he
sent up his compliments to the ladies, begging permission to thank them in
person for the marks of concern they had shown at his disaster in the court-yard
- As the 'squire said they could not decently decline his visit, he was shown up
stairs, and paid his respects in the Scotch dialect, with much formality -
»Leddies, (said he) perhaps ye may be scandaleezed at the appearance my heed
made, when it was uncovered by accident; but I can assure you, the condition you
saw it in, is neither the effects of disease, nor of drunkenness; but an honest
scar received in the service of my country.« He then gave us to understand, that
having been wounded at Ticonderoga, in America, a party of Indians rifled him,
scalped him, broke his scull with the blow of a tomahawk, and left him for dead
on the field of battle; but that being afterwards found with signs of life, he
had been cured in the French hospital, though the loss of substance could not be
repaired; so that the scull was left naked in several places, and these he
covered with patches.
    There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner taken than that of
compassion - We were immediately interested in behalf of this veteran - Even
Tabby's heart was melted; but our pity was warmed with indignation, when we
learned, that in the course of two sanguinary wars, he had been wounded, maimed,
mutilated, taken, and enslaved, without ever having attained a higher rank than
that of lieutenant - My uncle's eyes gleamed, and his nether lip quivered, while
he exclaimed, »I vow to God, sir, your case is a reproach to the service - The
injustice you have met with is so flagrant -« »I must crave your pardon, sir,
(cried the other, interrupting him) I complain of no injustice - I purchased an
ensigncy thirty years ago; and, in the course of service, rose to be a
lieutenant, according to my seniority -« »But in such a length of time, (resumed
the 'squire) you must have seen a great many young officers put over your head
-« »Nevertheless, (said he) I have no cause to murmur - They bought their
preferment with their money - I had no money to carry to market - that was my
misfortune; but no body was to blame -« »What! no friend to advance a sum of
money?« (said Mr. Bramble) »Perhaps I might have borrowed money for the purchase
of a company (answered the other); but that loan must have been refunded; and I
did not choose to incumber myself with a debt of a thousand pounds, to be paid
from an income of ten shillings a-day.« »So you have spent the best part of your
life, (cried Mr. Bramble) your youth, your blood, and your constitution, amidst
the dangers, the difficulties, the horrors and hardships of war, for the
consideration of three or four shillings a-day - a consideration -« »Sir,
(replied the Scot, with great warmth) you are the man that does me injustice, if
you say or think I have been actuated by any such paltry consideration - I am a
gentleman; and entered the service as other gentlemen do, with such hopes and
sentiments as honourable ambition inspires - If I have not been lucky in the
lottery of life, so neither do I think myself unfortunate - I owe to no man a
farthing; I can always command a clean shirt, a mutton-chop, and a truss of
straw; and when I die, I shall leave effects sufficient to defray the expense of
my burial.«
    My uncle assured him, he had no intention to give him the least offence, by
the observations he had made; but, on the contrary, spoke from a sentiment of
friendly regard to his interest - The lieutenant thanked him with a stiffness of
civility, which nettled our old gentleman, who perceived that his moderation was
all affected; for, whatsoever his tongue might declare, his whole appearance
denoted dissatisfaction - In short without pretending to judge of his military
merit, I think I may affirm, that this Caledonian is a self-conceited pedant,
awkward, rude, and disputacious - He has had the benefit of a school education,
seems to have read a good number of books, his memory is tenacious, and he
pretends to speak several different languages; but he is so addicted to
wrangling, that he will cavil at the clearest truths, and, in the pride of
argumentation, attempt to reconcile contradictions - Whether his address and
qualifications are really of that stamp which is agreeable to the taste of our
aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot at every
sort of game, certain it is she has begun to practise upon the heart of the
lieutenant, who favoured us with his company to supper.
    I have many other things to say of this man of war, which I shall
communicate in a post or two; mean while, it is but reasonable that you should
be indulged with some respite from those weary lucubrations of
Yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Newcastle upon Tyne, July 10.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    In my last I treated you with a high flavoured dish, in the character of the
Scotch lieutenant, and I must present him once more for your entertainment. It
was our fortune to feed upon him the best part of three days; and I do not doubt
that he will start again in our way before we shall have finished our northern
excursion. The day after our meeting with him at Durham proved so tempestuous
that we did not choose to proceed on our journey; and my uncle persuaded him to
stay till the weather should clear up, giving him, at the same time, a general
invitation to our mess. The man has certainly gathered a whole budget of shrewd
observations, but he brings them forth in such an ungracious manner as would be
extremely disgusting, if it was not marked by that characteristic oddity which
never fails to attract the attention - He and Mr. Bramble discoursed, and even
disputed, on different subjects in war, policy, the belles lettres, law, and
metaphysics; and sometimes they were warmed into such altercation as seemed to
threaten an abrupt dissolution of their society; but Mr. Bramble set a guard
over his own irascibility, the more vigilantly as the officer was his guest; and
when, in spite of all his efforts, he began to wax warm, the other prudently
cooled in the same proportion.
    Mrs. Tabitha chancing to accost her brother by the familiar diminutive of
Matt, »Pray, sir, (said the lieutenant) is your name Matthias?« You must know,
it is one of our uncle's foibles to be ashamed of his name Matthew, because it
is puritanical; and this question chagrined him so much, that he answered, »No,
by G-d!« in a very abrupt tone of displeasure. - The Scot took umbrage at the
manner of his reply, and bristling up, »If I had known (said he) that you did
not care to tell your name, I should not have asked the question - The leddy
called you Matt, and I naturally thought it was Matthias: - perhaps, it may be
Methuselah, or Metrodorus, or Metellus, or Mathurinus, or Malthinnus, or
Matamorus, or -« »No, (cried my uncle laughing) it is neither of those, captain;
- my name is Matthew Bramble, at your service. - The truth is, I have a foolish
pique at the name of Matthew, because it savours of those canting hypocrites,
who, in Cromwell's time, christened all their children by names taken from the
scripture.« - »A foolish pique indeed, (cried Mrs. Tabby) and even sinful, to
fall out with your name because it is taken from holy writ. - I would have you
to know, you was called after great-uncle Matthew ap Madoc ap Meredith, esquire,
of Llanwysthin, in Montgomeryshire, justice of the quorum, and crusty
ruttleorum, a gentleman of great worth and property, descended in a strait line,
by the female side, from Llewellyn, prince of Wales.«
    This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some impression upon the
North-Briton, who bowed very low to the descendants of Llewellyn, and observed
that he himself had the honour of a scriptural nomination. The lady expressing a
desire of knowing his address, he said, he designed himself Lieutenant Obadiah
Lismahago; and, in order to assist her memory, he presented her with a slip of
paper inscribed with these three words, which she repeated with great emphasis,
declaring, it was one of the most noble and sonorous names she had ever heard.
He observed that Obadiah was an adventitious appellation, derived from his
greatgrandfather, who had been one of the original covenanters; but Lismahago
was the family surname, taken from a place in Scotland so called. He likewise
dropped some hints about the antiquity of his pedigree, adding, with a smile of
self-denial, Sed genus et proavos, et quæ non fecimus ipsi, vix ea nostra voco,
which quotation he explained in deference to the ladies; and Mrs. Tabitha did
not fail to compliment him on his modesty in waving the merit of his ancestry,
adding, that it was the less necessary to him, as he had such a considerable
fund of his own. She now began to glew herself to his favour with the grossest
adulation. - She expatiated upon the antiquity and virtues of the Scottish
nation, upon their valour, probity, learning, and politeness. - She even
descended to encomiums on his own personal address, his gallantry, good sense,
and erudition. - She appealed to her brother, whether the captain was not the
very image of our cousin governor Griffith - She discovered a surprising
eagerness to know the particulars of his life, and asked a thousand questions
concerning his atchievements in war; all which Mr. Lismahago answered with a
sort of jesuitical reserve, affecting a reluctance to satisfy her curiosity on a
subject that concerned his own exploits.
    By dint of her interrogations, however, we learned, that he and ensign
Murphy had made their escape from the French hospital at Montreal, and taken to
the woods, in hope of reaching some English settlement; but mistaking their
route, they fell in with a party of Miamis, who carried them away in captivity.
The intention of these Indians was to give one of them as an adopted son to a
venerable sachem, who had lost his own in the course of the war, and to
sacrifice the other according to the custom of the country. Murphy, as being the
younger and handsomer of the two, was designed to fill the place of the
deceased, not only as the son of the sachem, but as the spouse of a beautiful
squaw, to whom his predecessor had been betrothed; but in passing through the
different whigwhams or villages of the Miamis, poor Murphy was so mangled by the
women and children, who have the privilege of torturing all prisoners in their
passage, that, by the time they arrived at the place of the sachem's residence,
he was rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of marriage: it was
determined, therefore, in the assembly of the warriors, that ensign Murphy
should be brought to the stake, and that the lady should be given to lieutenant
Lismahago, who had likewise received his share of torments, though they had not
produced emasculation. - A joint of one finger had been cut, or rather sawed off
with a rusty knife; one of his great toes was crushed into a mash betwixt two
stones; some of his teeth were drawn, or dug out with a crooked nail; splintered
reeds had been thrust up his nostrils and other tender parts; and the calves of
his legs had been blown up with mines of gunpowder dug in the flesh with the
sharp point of the tomahawk.
    The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died with great heroism, singing,
as his death song, the Drimmendoo, in concert with Mr. Lismahago, who was
present at the solemnity. After the warriors and the matrons had made a hearty
meal upon the muscular flesh which they pared from the victim, and had applied a
great variety of tortures, which he bore without flinching, an old lady, with a
sharp knife, scooped out one of his eyes, and put a burning coal in the socket.
The pain of this operation was so exquisite that he could not help bellowing,
upon which the audience raised a shout of exultation, and one of the warriors
stealing behind him, gave him the coup de grace with a hatchet.
    Lismahago's bride, the squaw Squinkinacoosta, distinguished herself on this
occasion. - She showed a great superiority of genius in the tortures which she
contrived and executed with her own hands. - She vied with the stoutest warrior
in eating the flesh of the sacrifice; and after all the other females were
fuddled with dram-drinking, she was not so intoxicated but that she was able to
play the game of the platter with the conjuring sachem, and afterwards go
through the ceremony of her own wedding, which was consummated that same
evening. The captain had lived very happily with this accomplished squaw for two
years, during which she bore him a son, who is now the representative of his
mother's tribe; but, at length, to his unspeakable grief, she had died of a
fever, occasioned by eating too much raw bear, which they had killed in a
hunting excursion.
    By this time, Mr. Lismahago was elected sachem, acknowledged first warrior
of the Badger tribe, and dignified with the name or epithet of
Occacanastaogarora, which signifies nimble as a weasel; but all these advantages
and honours he was obliged to resign, in consequence of being exchanged for the
orator of the community, who had been taken prisoner by the Indians that were in
alliance with the English. At the peace, he had sold out upon half-pay, and was
returned to Britain, with a view to pass the rest of his life in his own
country, where he hoped to find some retreat where his slender finances would
afford him a decent subsistence. Such are the outlines of Mr. Lismahago's
history, to which Tabitha did seriously incline her ear; - indeed, she seemed to
be taken with the same charms that captivated the heart of Desdemona, who loved
the Moor for the dangers he had past.
    The description of poor Murphy's sufferings, which threw my sister Liddy
into a swoon, extracted some sighs from the breast of Mrs. Tabby: when she
understood he had been rendered unfit for marriage, she began to spit, and
ejaculated, »Jesus, what cruel barbarians!« and she made wry faces at the lady's
nuptial repast; but she was eagerly curious to know the particulars of her
marriage-dress; whether she wore high-breasted stays or boddice, a robe of silk
or velvet, and laces of Mechlin or minionette - she supposed, as they were
connected with the French, she used rouge, and had her hair dressed in the
Parisian fashion. The captain would have declined giving a categorical
explanation of all these particulars, observing, in general, that the Indians
were too tenacious of their own customs to adopt the modes of any nation
whatsoever: he said, moreover, that neither the simplicity of their manners, nor
the commerce of their country, would admit of those articles of luxury which are
deemed magnificence in Europe; and that they were too virtuous and sensible to
encourage the introduction of any fashion which might help to render them
corrupt and effeminate.
    These observations served only to inflame her desire of knowing the
particulars about which she had enquired; and, with all his evasion, he could
not help discovering the following circumstances - that his princess had neither
shoes, stockings, shift, nor any kind of linen - that her bridal dress consisted
of a petticoat of red bays, and a fringed blanket, fastened about her shoulders
with a copper skewer; but of ornaments she had great plenty. - Her hair was
curiously plaited, and interwoven with bobbins of human bone - one eye-lid was
painted green, and the other yellow; the cheeks were blue, the lips white, the
teeth red, and there was a black list drawn down the middle of the forehead as
far as the tip of the nose - a couple of gaudy parrot's feathers were stuck
through the division of the nostrils - there was a blue stone set in the chin -
her ear-rings consisted of two pieces of hickery, of the size and shape of
drum-sticks - her arms and legs were adorned with bracelets of wampum - her
breast glittered with numerous strings of glass beads - she wore a curious
pouch, or pocket, of woven grass, elegantly painted with various colours - about
her neck was hung the fresh scalp of a Mohawk warrior, whom her deceased lover
had lately slain in battle - and, finally, she was anointed from head to foot
with bear's grease, which sent forth a most agreeable odour.
    One would imagine that these paraphernalia would not have been much admired
by a modern fine lady; but Mrs. Tabitha was resolved to approve of all the
captain's connexions. - She wished, indeed, the squaw had been better provided
with linen; but she owned there was much taste and fancy in her ornaments; she
made no doubt, therefore, that madam Squinkinacoosta was a young lady of good
sense and rare accomplishments, and a good christian at bottom. Then she asked
whether his consort had been high-church or low-church, presbyterian or
anabaptist, or had been favoured with any glimmering of the new light of the
gospel? When he confessed that she and her whole nation were utter strangers to
the christian faith, she gazed at him with signs of astonishment, and Humphry
Clinker, who chanced to be in the room, uttered a hollow groan.
    After some pause, »In the name of God, captain Lismahago, (cried she) what
religion do they profess?« »As to religion, madam, (answered the lieutenant) it
is among those Indians a matter of great simplicity - they never heard of any
Alliance between Church and State. - They, in general, worship two contending
principles; one the Fountain of all Good, the other the source of evil. - The
common people there, as in other countries, run into the absurdities of
superstition; but sensible men pay adoration to a Supreme Being, who created and
sustains the universe.« »O! what pity, (exclaimed the pious Tabby) that some
holy man has not been inspired to go and convert these poor heathens!«
    The lieutenant told her, that while he resided among them, two French
missionaries arrived, in order to convert them to the catholic religion; but
when they talked of mysteries and revelations, which they could neither explain
nor authenticate, and called in the evidence of miracles which they believed
upon hearsay; when they taught, that the Supreme Creator of Heaven and Earth had
allowed his only Son, his own equal in power and glory, to enter the bowels of a
woman, to be born as a human creature, to be insulted, flagellated, and even
executed as a malefactor; when they pretended to create God himself, to swallow,
digest, revive, and multiply him ad infinitum, by the help of a little flour and
water, the Indians were shocked at the impiety of their presumption. - They were
examined by the assembly of the sachems, who desired them to prove the divinity
of their mission by some miracle. - They answered, that it was not in their
power. - »If you were really sent by Heaven for our conversion, (said one of the
sachems) you would certainly have some supernatural endowments, at least you
would have the gift of tongues, in order to explain your doctrine to the
different nations among which you are employed; but you are so ignorant of our
language, that you cannot express yourselves even on the most trifling
subjects.«
    In a word, the assembly were convinced of their being cheats, and even
suspected them of being spies: - they ordered them a bag of Indian corn a-piece,
and appointed a guide to conduct them to the frontiers; but the missionaries
having more zeal than discretion, refused to quit the vineyard. - They persisted
in saying mass, in preaching, baptizing, and squabbling with the conjurers, or
priests of the country, till they had thrown the whole community into confusion.
- Then the assembly proceeded to try them as impious impostors, who represented
the Almighty as a trifling, weak, capricious being, and pretended to make,
unmake, and reproduce him at pleasure: they were, therefore, convicted of
blasphemy and sedition, and condemned to the stake, where they died singing
Salve regina, in a rapture of joy, for the crown of martyrdom which they had
thus obtained.
    In the course of this conversation, lieutenant Lismahago dropped some hints by
which it appeared he himself was a free-thinker. Our aunt seemed to be startled
at certain sarcasms he threw out against the creed of saint Athanasius. - He
dwelt much upon the words, reason, philosophy, and contradiction in terms - he
bid defiance to the eternity of hell-fire; and even threw such squibs at the
immortality of the soul, as singed a little the whiskers of Mrs. Tabitha's
faith; for, by this time, she began to look upon Lismahago as a prodigy of
learning and sagacity. - In short, he could be no longer insensible to the
advances she made towards his affection; and although there was something
repulsive in his nature, he overcame it so far as to make some return to her
civilities. - Perhaps, he thought it would be no bad scheme, in a superannuated
lieutenant on half-pay, to effect a conjunction with an old maid, who, in all
probability, had fortune enough to keep him easy and comfortable in the fag-end
of his days. - An ogling correspondence forthwith commenced between this amiable
pair of originals. - He began to sweeten the natural acidity of his discourse
with the treacle of compliment and commendation. - He from time to time offered
her snuff, of which he himself took great quantities, and even made her a
present of a purse of silk grass, woven by the hands of the amiable
Squinkinacoosta, who had used it as a shot-pouch in her hunting expeditions.
    From Doncaster northwards, all the windows of all the inns are scrawled with
doggrel rhimes, in abuse of the Scotch nation; and what surprised me very much,
I did not perceive one line written in the way of recrimination - Curious to
hear what Lismahago would say on this subject, I pointed out to him a very
scurrilous epigram against his countrymen, which was engraved on one of the
windows of the parlour where we sat. - He read it with the most starched
composure; and when I asked his opinion of the poetry, »It is vara terse and
vara poignant; (said he) but with the help of a wat dish-clout, it might be
rendered more clear and parspicous. - I marvel much that some modern wit has not
published a collection of these essays under the title of the Glazier's Triumph
over Sawney the Scot - I'm persuaded it would be a vara agreeable offering to
the patriots of London and Westminster.« When I expressed some surprise that the
natives of Scotland, who travel this way, had not broke all the windows upon the
road, »With submission, (replied the lieutenant) that were but shallow policy -
it would only serve to make the satire more cutting and severe; and, I think, it
is much better to let it stand in the window, than have it presented in the
reckoning.«
    My uncle's jaws began to quiver with indignation. - He said, the scribblers
of such infamous stuff deserved to be scourged at the cart's tail for disgracing
their country with such monuments of malice and stupidity. - »These vermin (said
he) do not consider, that they are affording their fellow-subjects, whom they
abuse, continual matter of self-gratulation, as well as the means of executing
the most manly vengeance that can be taken for such low, illiberal attacks. For
my part, I admire the philosophic forbearance of the Scots, as much as I despise
the insolence of those wretched libellers, which is akin to the arrogance of the
village cock, who never crows but upon his own dunghill.« The captain, with an
affectation of candour, observed, that men of illiberal minds were produced in
every soil; that in supposing those were the sentiments of the English in
general, he should pay too great a compliment to his own country, which was not
of consequence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing and powerful
people.
    Mrs. Tabby broke forth again in praise of his moderation, and declared that
Scotland was the soil which produced every virtue under heaven. - When Lismahago
took his leave for the night, she asked her brother if the captain was not the
prettiest gentleman he had ever seen; and whether there was not something
wonderfully engaging in his aspect? - Mr. Bramble having eyed her some time in
silence, »Sister, (said he) the lieutenant is, for aught I know, an honest man,
and a good officer - he has a considerable share of understanding, and a title
to more encouragement than he seems to have met with in life; but I cannot, with
a safe conscience, affirm, that he is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw;
neither can I discern any engaging charm in his countenance, which, I vow to
Gad, is, on the contrary, very hard-favoured and forbidding.«
    I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this North-Briton, who is
really a curiosity; but he has been very shy of my conversation ever since I
laughed at his asserting that the English tongue was spoke with more propriety
at Edinburgh than at London. Looking at me with a double squeeze of souring in
his aspect, »If the old definition be true, (said he) that risibility is the
distinguishing characteristic of a rational creature, the English are the most
distinguished for rationality of any people I ever knew.« I owned, that the
English were easily struck with any thing that appeared ludicrous, and apt to
laugh accordingly; but it did not follow, that, because they were more given to
laughter, they had more rationality than their neighbours: I said, such an
inference would be an injury to the Scots, who were by no means defective in
rationality, though generally supposed little subject to the impressions of
humour.
    The captain answered, that this supposition must have been deduced either
from their conversation or their compositions, of which the English could not
possibly judge with precision, as they did not understand the dialect used by
the Scots in common discourse, as well as in their works of humour. When I
desired to know what those works of humour were, he mentioned a considerable
number of pieces, which he insisted were equal in point of humour to any thing
extant in any language dead or living. - He, in particular, recommended a
collection of detached poems, in two small volumes, intituled, The Ever-green,
and the works of Allan Ramsay, which I intend to provide myself with at
Edinburgh. - He observed, that a North-Briton is seen to a disadvantage in an
English company, because he speaks in a dialect that they can't relish, and in a
phraseology which they don't understand. - He therefore finds himself under a
restraint, which is a great enemy to wit and humour. - These are faculties which
never appear in full lustre, but when the mind is perfectly at ease, and, as an
excellent writer says, enjoys her elbow-room.
    He proceeded to explain his assertion that the English language was spoken
with greater propriety at Edinburgh than in London. - He said, what we generally
called the Scottish dialect was, in fact, true, genuine old English, with a
mixture of some French terms and idioms, adopted in a long intercourse betwixt
the French and Scotch nations; that the modern English, from affectation and
false refinement, had weakened, and even corrupted their language, by throwing
out the guttural sounds, altering the pronunciation and the quantity, and
disusing many words and terms of great significance. In consequence of these
innovations, the works of our best poets, such as Chaucer, Spenser, and even
Shakespeare, were become, in many parts, unintelligible to the natives of
South-Britain, whereas the Scots, who retain the ancient language, understand
them without the help of a glossary. »For instance, (said he) how have your
commentators been puzzled by the following expression in the Tempest - He's
gentle, and not fearful; as if it was a paralogism to say, that being gentle, he
must of course be courageous: but the truth is, one of the original meanings, if
not the sole meaning, of that word was, noble, high-minded; and to this day, a
Scotch woman, in the situation of the young lady in the Tempest, would express
herself nearly in the same terms - Don't provoke him; for being gentle, that is,
high-spirited, he won't tamely bear an insult. Spenser, in the very first stanza
of his Fairy Queen, says,
 
                   A gentle knight was pricking on the plain;
 
which knight, far from being tame and fearful, was so stout that
 
                   Nothing did he dread, but ever was ydrad.«
 
To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language by false refinement, he
mentioned the following words, which, though widely different in signification,
are pronounced exactly in the same manner - wright, write, right, rite; but
among the Scots, these words are as different in pronunciation, as they are in
meaning and orthography; and this is the case with many others which he
mentioned by way of illustration. - He, moreover, took notice, that we had (for
what reason he could never learn) altered the sound of our vowels from that
which is retained by all the nations in Europe; an alteration which rendered the
language extremely difficult to foreigners, and made it almost impracticable to
lay down general rules for orthography and pronunciation. Besides, the vowels
were no longer simple sounds in the mouth of an Englishman, who pronounced both
i and u as diphthongs. Finally, he affirmed, that we mumbled our speech with our
lips and teeth, and ran the words together without pause or distinction, in such
a manner, that a foreigner, though he understood English tolerably well, was
often obliged to have recourse to a Scotchman to explain what a native of
England had said in his own language.
    The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr. Bramble from his own
experience; but he accounted for it on another principle. - He said, the same
observation would hold in all languages; that a Swiss talking French was more
easily understood than a Parisian, by a foreigner who had not made himself
master of the language; because every language had its peculiar recitative, and
it would always require more pains, attention, and practice, to acquire both the
words and the music, than to learn the words only; and yet no body would deny,
that the one was imperfect without the other; he therefore apprehended, that the
Scotchman and the Swiss were better understood by learners, because they spoke
the words only, without the music, which they could not rehearse. One would
imagine this check might have damped the North-Briton; but it served only to
agitate his humour for disputation. - He said, if every nation had its own
recitative or music, the Scots had theirs, and the Scotchman who had not yet
acquired the cadence of the English, would naturally use his own in speaking
their language; therefore, if he was better understood than the native, his
recitative must be more intelligible than that of the English; of consequence,
the dialect of the Scots had an advantage over that of their fellow subjects,
and this was another strong presumption that the modern English had corrupted
their language in the article of pronunciation.
    The lieutenant was, by this time, become so polemical, that every time he
opened his mouth out flew a paradox, which he maintained with all the enthusiasm
of altercation; but all his paradoxes savoured strong of a partiality for his
own country. He undertook to prove that poverty was a blessing to a nation; that
oatmeal was preferable to wheat-flour; and that the worship of Cloacina, in
temples which admitted both sexes, and every rank of votaries promiscuously, was
a filthy species of idolatry that outraged every idea of delicacy and decorum. I
did not so much wonder at his broaching these doctrines, as at the arguments,
equally whimsical and ingenious, which he adduced in support of them.
    In fine, lieutenant Lismahago is a curiosity which I have not yet
sufficiently perused; and therefore I shall be sorry when we lose his company,
though, God knows, there is nothing very amiable in his manner or disposition. -
As he goes directly to the south-west division of Scotland, and we proceed in
the road to Berwick, we shall part to-morrow at a place called Felton-bridge;
and, I dare say, this separation will be very grievous to our aunt Mrs. Tabitha,
unless she has received some flattering assurance of his meeting her again. If I
fail in my purpose of entertaining you with these unimportant occurrences, they
will at least serve as exercises of patience, for which you are indebted to
Yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Morpeth, July 13.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Doctor,
    I have now reached the northern extremity of England, and see, close to my
chamber-window, the Tweed gliding through the arches of that bridge which
connects this suburb to the town of Berwick. - Yorkshire you have seen, and
therefore I shall say nothing of that opulent province. The city of Durham
appears like a confused heap of stones and brick, accumulated so as to cover a
mountain, round which a river winds its brawling course. The streets are
generally narrow, dark, and unpleasant, and many of them almost impassable in
consequence of their declivity. The cathedral is a huge gloomy pile; but the
clergy are well lodged. - The bishop lives in a princely manner - the golden
prebends keep plentiful tables - and, I am told, there is some good sociable
company in the place; but the country, when viewed from the top of Gateshead
Fell, which extends to Newcastle, exhibits the highest scene of cultivation that
ever I beheld. As for Newcastle, it lies mostly in a bottom, on the banks of the
Tyne, and makes an appearance still more disagreeable than that of Durham; but
it is rendered populous and rich by industry and commerce; and the country lying
on both sides the river, above the town, yields a delightful prospect of
agriculture and plantations. Morpeth and Alnwick are neat, pretty towns, and
this last is famous for the castle which has belonged so many ages to the noble
house of Piercy, earls of Northumberland. - It is, doubtless, a large edifice,
containing a great number of apartments, and stands in a commanding situation;
but the strength of it seems to have consisted not so much in its site, or the
manner in which it is fortified, as in the valour of its defendants.
    Our adventures since we left Scarborough, are scarce worth reciting; and yet
I must make you acquainted with my sister Tabby's progress in husband-hunting,
after her disappointments at Bath and London. She had actually begun to practise
upon a certain adventurer, who was in fact a highwayman by profession; but he
had been used to snares much more dangerous than any she could lay, and escaped
accordingly. - Then she opened her batteries upon an old weather-beaten Scotch
lieutenant, called Lismahago, who joined us at Durham, and is, I think, one of
the most singular personages I ever encountered. - His manner is as harsh as his
countenance; but his peculiar turn of thinking, and his pack of knowledge made
up of the remnants of rarities, rendered his conversation desirable, in spite of
his pedantry and ungracious address. - I have often met with a crab-apple in a
hedge, which I have been tempted to eat for its flavour, even while I was
disgusted by its austerity. The spirit of contradiction is naturally so strong
in Lismahago, that I believe in my conscience he has rummaged, and read, and
studied with indefatigable attention, in order to qualify himself to refute
established maxims, and thus raise trophies for the gratification of polemical
pride. - Such is the asperity of his self-conceit, that he will not even
acquiesce in a transient compliment made to his own individual in particular, or
to his country in general.
    When I observed, that he must have read a vast number of books to be able to
discourse on such a variety of subjects, he declared he had read little or
nothing, and asked how he should find books among the woods of America, where he
had spent the greatest part of his life. My nephew remarking that the Scots in
general were famous for their learning, he denied the imputation, and defied him
to prove it from their works. - »The Scots (said he) have a slight tincture of
letters, with which they make a parade among people who are more illiterate than
themselves; but they may be said to float on the surface of science, and they
have made very small advances in the useful arts.« »At least, (cried Tabby) all
the world allows that the Scots behaved gloriously in fighting and conquering
the savages of America.« »I can assure you, madam, you have been misinformed;
(replied the lieutenant) in that continent the Scots did nothing more than their
duty, nor was there one corps in his majesty's service that distinguished itself
more than another. - Those who affected to extol the Scots for superior merit,
were no friends to that nation.«
    Though he himself made free with his countrymen, he would not suffer any
other person to glance a sarcasm at them with impunity. One of the company
chancing to mention lord B--'s inglorious peace, the lieutenant immediately took
up the cudgels in his lordship's favour, and argued very strenuously to prove
that it was the most honourable and advantageous peace that England had ever
made since the foundation of the monarchy. - Nay, between friends, he offered
such reasons on this subject, that I was really confounded, if not convinced. -
He would not allow that the Scots abounded above their proportion in the army
and navy of Great Britain, or that the English had any reason to say his
countrymen had met with extraordinary encouragement in the service. - »When a
South and North-Briton (said he) are competitors for a place or commission,
which is in the disposal of an English minister or an English general, it would
be absurd to suppose that the preference will not be given to the native of
England, who has so many advantages over his rival. - First and foremost, he has
in his favour that laudable partiality, which, Mr. Addison says, never fails to
cleave to the heart of an Englishman; secondly, he has more powerful connexions,
and a greater share of parliamentary interest, by which those contests are
generally decided; and lastly, he has a greater command of money to smooth the
way to his success. For my own part, (said he) I know no Scotch officer, who has
risen in the army above the rank of a subaltern, without purchasing every degree
of preferment either with money or recruits; but I know many gentlemen of that
country, who, for want of money and interest, have grown grey in the rank of
lieutenants; whereas very few instances of this ill-fortune are to be found
among the natives of South-Britain. - Not that I would insinuate that my
countrymen have the least reason to complain. - Preferment in the service, like
success in any other branch of traffic, will naturally favour those who have the
greatest stock of cash and credit, merit and capacity being supposed equal on
all sides.«
    But the most hardy of all this original's positions were these: - That
commerce would, sooner or later, prove the ruin of every nation, where it
flourishes to any extent - that the parliament was the rotten part of the
British constitution - that the liberty of the press was a national evil - and
that the boasted institution of juries, as managed in England, was productive of
shameful perjury and flagrant injustice. He observed, that traffick was an enemy
to all the liberal passions of the soul, founded on the thirst of lucre, a
sordid disposition to take advantage of the necessities of our fellow-creatures.
- He affirmed, the nature of commerce was such, that it could not be fixed or
perpetuated, but, having flowed to a certain height, would immediately begin to
ebb, and so continue till the channels should be left almost dry; but there was
no instance of the tide's rising a second time to any considerable influx in the
same nation. Mean while the sudden affluence occasioned by trade, forced open
all the sluices of luxury and overflowed the land with every species of
profligacy and corruption; a total pravity of manners would ensue, and this must
be attended with bankruptcy and ruin. He observed of the parliament, that the
practice of buying boroughs, and canvassing for votes, was an avowed system of
venality, already established on the ruins of principle, integrity, faith, and
good order, in consequence of which the elected and the elector, and, in short,
the whole body of the people, were equally and universally contaminated and
corrupted. He affirmed, that of a parliament thus constituted, the crown would
always have influence enough to secure a great majority in its dependence, from
the great number of posts, places, and pensions it had to bestow; that such a
parliament would (as it had already done) lengthen the term of its sitting and
authority, whenever the prince should think it for his interest to continue the
representatives; for, without doubt, they had the same right to protract their
authority ad infinitum, as they had to extend it from three to seven years. -
With a parliament, therefore, dependent upon the crown, devoted to the prince,
and supported by a standing army, garbled and modelled for the purpose, any king
of England may, and probably some ambitious sovereign will, totally overthrow
all the bulwarks of the constitution; for it is not to be supposed that a prince
of a high spirit will tamely submit to be thwarted in all his measures, abused
and insulted by a populace of unbridled ferocity, when he has it in his power to
crush all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of the legislature. He
said, he should always consider the liberty of the press as a national evil,
while it enabled the vilest reptile to soil the lustre of the most shining
merit, and furnished the most infamous incendiary with the means of disturbing
the peace and destroying the good order of the community. He owned, however,
that, under due restrictions, it would be a valuable privilege; but affirmed,
that at present there was no law in England sufficient to restrain it within
proper bounds.
    With respect to juries, he expressed himself to this effect: - Juries are
generally composed of illiterate plebeians, apt to be mistaken, easily misled,
and open to sinister influence; for if either of the parties to be tried, can
gain over one of the twelve jurors, he has secured the verdict in his favour;
the juryman thus brought over will, in despite of all evidence and conviction,
generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued, and harrassed, and starved
into concurrence; in which case the verdict is unjust, and the jurors are all
perjured: but cases will often occur, when the jurors are really divided in
opinion, and each side is convinced in opposition to the other; but no verdict
will be received, unless they are unanimous, and they are all bound, not only in
conscience, but by oath, to judge and declare according to their conviction. -
What then will be the consequence? - They must either starve in company, or one
side must sacrifice their conscience to their convenience, and join in a verdict
which they believe to be false. This absurdity is avoided in Sweden, where a
bare majority is sufficient; and in Scotland, where two-thirds of the jury are
required to concur in the verdict.
    You must not imagine that all these deductions were made on his part,
without contradiction on mine. - No - the truth is, I found myself piqued in
point of honour, at his pretending to be so much wiser than his neighbours. - I
questioned all his assertions, started innumerable objections, argued and
wrangled with uncommon perseverance, and grew very warm, and even violent, in
the debate. - Sometimes he was puzzled, and once or twice, I think, fairly
refuted; but from those falls he rose again, like Antæus, with redoubled vigour,
till at length I was tired, exhausted, and really did not know how to proceed,
when luckily he dropped a hint, by which he discovered he had been bred to the
law; a confession which enabled me to retire from the dispute with a good grace,
as it could not be supposed that a man like me, who had been bred to nothing,
should be able to cope with a veteran in his own profession. I believe, however,
that I shall for some time continue to chew the cud of reflection upon many
observations which this original discharged.
    Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with his conversation, or is
resolved to throw at every thing she meets in the shape of a man, till she can
fasten the matrimonial noose, certain it is, she has taken desperate strides
towards the affection of Lismahago, who cannot be said to have met her half way,
tho' he does not seem altogether insensible to her civilities. - She insinuated
more than once how happy we should be to have his company through that part of
Scotland which we proposed to visit, till at length he plainly told us, that his
road was totally different from that which we intended to take; that, for his
part, his company would be of very little service to us in our progress, as he
was utterly unacquainted with the country, which he had left in his early youth;
consequently, he could neither direct us in our inquiries, nor introduce us to
any family of distinction. He said, he was stimulated by an irresistible impulse
to revisit the paternus lar, or patria domus, though he expected little
satisfaction, inasmuch as he understood that his nephew, the present possessor,
was but ill qualified to support the honour of the family. - He assured us,
however, as we design to return by the west road, that he will watch our
motions, and endeavour to pay his respects to us at Dumfries. - Accordingly he
took his leave of us at a place half way betwixt Morpeth and Alnwick, and
pranced away in great state, mounted on a tall, meagre, raw-boned, shambling
grey gelding, without e'er a tooth in his head, the very counter-part of the
rider; and, indeed, the appearance of the two was so picturesque, that I would
give twenty guineas to have them tolerably represented on canvas.
    Northumberland is a fine county, extending to the Tweed, which is a pleasant
pastoral stream; but you will be surprised when I tell you that the English side
of that river is neither so well cultivated nor so populous as the other. - The
farms are thinly scattered, the lands uninclosed, and scarce a gentleman's seat
is to be seen in some miles from the Tweed; whereas the Scots are advanced in
crowds to the very brink of the river, so that you may reckon above thirty good
houses, in the compass of a few miles, belonging to proprietors whose ancestors
had fortified castles in the same situations, a circumstance that shows what
dangerous neighbours the Scots must have formerly been to the northern counties
of England.
    Our domestic economy continues on the old footing. - My sister Tabby still
adheres to methodism, and had the benefit of a sermon at Wesley's meeting in
Newcastle; but I believe the passion of love has in some measure abated the
fervour of devotion both in her and her woman, Mrs. Jenkins, about whose good
graces there has been a violent contest betwixt my nephew's valet, Mr. Dutton,
and my man, Humphry Clinker. - Jery has been obliged to interpose his authority
to keep the peace; and to him I have left the discussion of that important
affair, which had like to have kindled the flames of discord in the family of
Yours always,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Tweedmouth, July 15.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Wat,
    In my two last you had so much of Lismahago, that I suppose you are glad he
is gone off the stage for the present. - I must now descend to domestic
occurrences. - Love, it seems, is resolved to assert his dominion over all the
females of our family. - After having practised upon poor Liddy's heart, and
played strange vagaries with our aunt Mrs. Tabitha, he began to run riot in the
affections of her woman Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had occasion to
mention more than once in the course of our memoirs. Nature intended Jenkins for
something very different from the character of her mistress; yet custom and
habit have effected a wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars.
Win, to be sure, is much younger and more agreeable in her person; she is
likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities for which her mistress is by
no means remarkable, no more than she is for being of a timorous disposition,
and much subject to fits of the mother, which are the infirmities of Win's
constitution: but then she seems to have adopted Mrs. Tabby's manner with her
cast clothes. - She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress, although
her own looks are much more engaging. - She enters into her scheme of economy,
learns her phrases, repeats her remarks, imitates her stile in scolding the
inferior servants, and, finally, subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion
- This, indeed, she found the more agreeable, as it was in a great measure
introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker, with whose personal merit
she seems to have been struck ever since he exhibited the pattern of his naked
skin at Marlborough.
    Nevertheless, though Humphry had this double hank upon her inclinations, and
exerted all his power to maintain the conquest he had made, he found it
impossible to guard it on the side of vanity, where poor Win was as frail as any
female in the kingdom. In short, my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer,
and, by dint of his outlandish qualifications, threw his rival Clinker out of
the saddle of her heart. Humphry may be compared to an English pudding, composed
of good wholesome flour and suet, and Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth, which,
though agreeable to the taste, has nothing solid or substantial. The traitor not
only dazzled her with his second-hand finery, but he fawned, and flattered, and
cringed - he taught her to take rappee, and presented her with a snuff-box of
papier maché - he supplied her with a powder for her teeth - he mended her
complexion, and he dressed her hair in the Paris fashion - he undertook to be
her French master and her dancing-master, as well as friseur, and thus
imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces. Clinker perceived the progress
he had made, and repined in secret - He attempted to open her eyes in the way of
exhortation, and finding it produced no effect, had recourse to prayer. At
Newcastle, while he attended Mrs. Tabby to the methodist meeting, his rival
accompanied Mrs. Jenkins to the play. He was dressed in a silk coat, made at
Paris for his former master, with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished brocade; he
wore his hair in a great bag with a huge solitaire, and a long sword dangled
from his thigh. The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring, washed
gauze, and ribbons three times refreshed; but she was most remarkable for the
frisure of her head, which rose, like a pyramid, seven inches above the scalp,
and her face was primed and patched from the chin up to the eyes; nay, the
gallant himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature of his
own complexion. In this attire, they walked together through the high street to
the theatre, and as they passed for players ready dressed for acting, they
reached it unmolested; but as it was still light when they returned, and by that
time the people had got information of their real character and condition, they
hissed and hooted all the way, and Mrs. Jenkins was all bespattered with dirt,
as well as insulted with the opprobrious name of painted Jezabel, so that her
fright and mortification threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came
home.
    Clinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he considered as the cause of her
disgrace, that he upbraided him severely for having turned the poor young
woman's brain. The other affected to treat him with contempt, and mistaking his
forbearance for want of courage, threatened to horse-whip him into good manners.
Humphry then came to me, humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence - »He has challenged me to fight him at sword's point;
(said he) but I might as well challenge him to make a horse-shoe, or a plough
iron; for I know no more of the one than he does of the other. - Besides, it
doth not become servants to use those weapons, or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out; moreover, I would not have his
blood upon my conscience for ten thousand times the profit or satisfaction I
should get by his death; but if your honour won't be angry, I'll engage to
gee'en a good drubbing, that, may hap, will do'en service, and I'll take care it
shall do'en no harm.« I said, I had no objection to what he proposed, provided
he could manage matters so as not to be found the aggressor, in case Dutton
should prosecute him for an assault and battery.
    Thus licensed, he retired; and that same evening easily provoked his rival
to strike the first blow, which Clinker returned with such interest that he was
obliged to call for quarter, declaring, at the same time, that he would exact
severe and bloody satisfaction the moment we should pass the border, when he
could run him through the body without fear of the consequence. - This scene
passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago, who encouraged Clinker to hazard a
thrust of cold iron with his antagonist. »Cold iron (cried Humphry) I shall
never use against the life of any human creature; but I am so far from being
afraid of his cold iron, that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good
cudgel, which shall always be at his service.« In the mean time, the fair cause
of this contest, Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, seemed overwhelmed with affliction, and
Mr. Clinker acted much on the reserve, though he did not presume to find fault
with her conduct.
    The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very unexpected
issue. Among our fellow-lodgers at Berwick, was a couple from London, bound to
Edinburgh, on the voyage of matrimony. The female was the daughter and heiress
of a pawn-broker deceased, who had given her guardians the slip, and put herself
under the tuition of a tall Hibernian, who had conducted her thus far in quest
of a clergyman to unite them in marriage, without the formalities required by
the law of England. I know not how the lover had behaved on the road, so as to
decline in the favour of his innamorata; but, in all probability, Dutton
perceived a coldness on her side, which encouraged him to whisper, it was a pity
she should have cast her affections upon a tailor, which he affirmed the
Irishman to be. This discovery completed her disgust, of which my man taking the
advantage, began to recommend himself to her good graces, and the smooth-tongued
rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the place of her heart,
from which the other had been discarded - Their resolution was immediately
taken. In the morning, before day, while poor Teague lay snoring a-bed, his
indefatigable rival ordered a post-chaise, and set out with the lady for
Coldstream, a few miles up the Tweed, where there was a parson who dealt in this
branch of commerce, and there they were noosed, before the Irishman ever dreamt
of the matter. But when he got up at six o'clock, and found the bird was flown,
he made such a noise as alarmed the whole house. One of the first persons he
encountered, was the postilion returned from Coldstream, where he had been
witness to the marriage, and over and above an handsome gratuity, had received a
bride's favour, which he now wore in his cap - When the forsaken lover
understood they were actually married, and set out for London; and that Dutton
had discovered to the lady, that he (the Hibernian) was a tailor, he had like to
have run distracted. He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap, and beat it about
his ears. He swore he would pursue him to the gates of hell, and ordered a
post-chaise and four to be got ready as soon as possible; but, recollecting that
his finances would not admit of this way of travelling, he was obliged to
countermand this order.
    For my part, I knew nothing at all of what had happened, till the postilion
brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau, which he had received from
Dutton, who sent me his respects, hoping I would excuse him for his abrupt
departure, as it was a step upon which his fortune depended - Before I had time
to make my uncle acquainted with this event, the Irishman burst into my chamber,
without any introduction, exclaiming, - »By my soul, your sarvant has robbed me
of five thousand pounds, and I'll have satisfaction, if I should be hanged
to-morrow. -« When I asked him who he was, »My name (said he) is Master
Macloughlin - but it should be Leighlin Oneale, for I am come from Ter-Owen the
Great; and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland; and that rogue, your
sarvant, said I was a tailor, which was as big a lie as if he had called me the
pope - I'm a man of fortune, and have spent all I had; and so being in distress,
Mr. Coshgrave, the fashioner in Shuffolk-street, tuck me out, and made me his
own private shecretary: by the same token, I was the last he bailed; for his
friends obliged him to tie himself up, that he would bail no more above ten
pounds; for why, becaase as how, he could not refuse any body that asked, and
therefore in time would have robbed himself of his whole fortune, and, if he had
lived long at that rate, must have died bankrupt very soon - and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady of five thousand pounds fortune, who
agreed to take me for better nor worse; and, to be sure, this day would have put
me in possession, if it had not been for that rogue, your sarvant, who came like
a tief, and stole away my property, and made her believe I was a tailor; and
that she was going to marry the ninth part of a man: but the devil burn my soul,
if ever I catch him on the mountains of Tulloghobegly, if I don't show him that
I'm nine times as good a man as he, or e'er a bug of his country.«
    When he had rung out his first alarm, I told him I was sorry he had allowed
himself to be so jockied; but it was no business of mine; and that the fellow
who robbed him of his bride, had likewise robbed me of my servant - »Didn't I
tell you then, (cried he) that Rogue was his true Christian name. - Oh if I had
but one fair trust with him upon the sod, I'd give him lave to brag all the rest
of his life.«
    My uncle hearing the noise, came in, and being informed of this adventure,
began to comfort Mr. Oneale for the lady's elopement; observing that he seemed
to have had a lucky escape, that it was better she should elope before, than
after marriage - The Hibernian was of a very different opinion. He said, »If he
had been once married, she might have eloped as soon as she pleased; he would
have taken care that she should not have carried her fortune along with her - Ah
(said he) she's a Judas Iscariot, and has betrayed me with a kiss; and, like
Judas, she carried the bag, and has not left me money enough to bear my expenses
back to London; and so as I'm come to this pass, and the rogue that was the
occasion of it has left you without a sarvant, you may put me in his place; and
by Jasus, it is the best thing you can do. -« I begged to be excused, declaring
I could put up with any inconvenience, rather than treat as a footman the
descendant of Tir-Owen the Great. I advised him to return to his friend, Mr.
Cosgrave, and take his passage from Newcastle by sea, towards which I made him a
small present, and he retired, seeming resigned to his evil fortune. I have
taken upon trial a Scotchman, called Archy M'Alpin, an old soldier, whose last
master, a colonel, lately died at Berwick. The fellow is old and withered; but
he has been recommended to me for his fidelity, by Mrs. Humphreys, a very good
sort of a woman, who keeps the inn at Tweedmouth, and is much respected by all
the travellers on this road.
    Clinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the removal of a dangerous
rival, and he is too good a Christian, to repine at Dutton's success. Even Mrs.
Jenkins will have reason to congratulate herself upon this event, when she
coolly reflects upon the matter; for, howsoever she was forced from her poise
for a season, by snares laid for her vanity, Humphry is certainly the north-star
to which the needle of her affection would have pointed at the long run. At
present, the same vanity is exceedingly mortified, upon finding herself
abandoned by her new admirer, in favour of another innamorata. She received the
news with a violent burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit of crying;
and this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her mistress, which had held
out beyond all expectation. She now opened all those floodgates of reprehension,
which had been shut so long. She not only reproached her with her levity and
indiscretion, but attacked her on the score of religion, declaring roundly that
she was in a state of apostacy and reprobation; and finally, threatened to send
her a-packing at this extremity of the kingdom. All the family interceded for
poor Winifred, not even excepting her slighted swain, Mr. Clinker, who, on his
knees, implored and obtained her pardon.
    There was, however, another consideration that gave Mrs. Tabitha some
disturbance. At Newcastle, the servants had been informed by some wag, that
there was nothing to eat in Scotland, but oat-meal and sheep's-heads; and
lieutenant Lismahago being consulted, what he said served rather to confirm than
to refute the report. Our aunt being apprised of this circumstance, very gravely
advised her brother to provide a sumpter horse with store of hams, tongues,
bread, biscuit, and other articles for our subsistence, in the course of our
perigrination, and Mr. Bramble as gravely replied, that he would take the hint
into consideration: but, finding no such provision was made, she now revived the
proposal, observing that there was a tolerable market at Berwick, where we might
be supplied; and that my man's horse would serve as a beast of burden - The
'squire, shrugging up his shoulders, eyed her askance with a look of ineffable
contempt; and, after some pause, »Sister, (said he) I can hardly persuade myself
you are serious.« She was so little acquainted with the geography of the island,
that she imagined we could not go to Scotland but by sea; and, after we had
passed through the town of Berwick, when he told her we were upon Scottish
ground, she could hardly believe the assertion - If the truth must be told, the
South Britons in general are woefully ignorant in this particular. What, between
want of curiosity, and traditional sarcasms, the effect of ancient animosity,
the people at the other end of the island know as little of Scotland as of
Japan.
    If I had never been in Wales, I should have been more struck with the
manifest difference in appearance betwixt the peasants and commonalty on
different sides of the Tweed. The boors of Northumberland are lusty fellows,
fresh complexioned, cleanly, and well clothed; but the labourers in Scotland
are generally lank, lean, hard-featured, sallow, soiled, and shabby, and their
little pinched blue caps have a beggarly effect. The cattle are much in the same
stile with their drivers, meagre, stunted, and ill equipt. When I talked to my
uncle on this subject, he said, »Though all the Scottish hinds would not bear to
be compared with those of the rich counties of South Britain, they would stand
very well in competition with the peasants of France, Italy, and Savoy - not to
mention the mountaineers of Wales, and the red-shanks of Ireland«.
    We entered Scotland by a frightful moor of sixteen miles, which promises
very little for the interior parts of the kingdom; but the prospect mended as we
advanced. Passing through Dunbar, which is a neat little town, situated on the
sea-side, we lay at a country inn, where our entertainment far exceeded our
expectation; but for this we cannot give the Scots credit, as the landlord is a
native of England. Yesterday we dined at Haddington, which has been a place of
some consideration, but is now gone to decay; and in the evening arrived at this
metropolis, of which I can say very little. It is very romantic, from its
situation on the declivity of a hill, having a fortified castle at the top, and
a royal palace at the bottom. The first thing that strikes the nose of a
stranger, shall be nameless; but what first strikes the eye, is the
unconscionable height of the houses, which generally rise to five, six, seven,
and eight stories, and, in some places, (as I am assured) to twelve. This manner
of building, attended with numberless inconveniences, must have been originally
owing to want of room. Certain it is, the town seems to be full of people; but
their looks, their language, and their customs, are so different from ours, that
I can hardly believe myself in Great-Britain.
    The inn at which we put up, (if it may be so called) was so filthy and
disagreeable in all respects, that my uncle began to fret, and his gouty
symptoms to recur - Recollecting, however, that he had a letter of
recommendation to one Mr. Mitchelson, a lawyer, he sent it by his servant, with
a compliment, importing that he would wait upon him next day in person; but that
gentleman visited us immediately, and insisted upon our going to his own house,
until he could provide lodgings for our accommodation. We gladly accepted of his
invitation, and repaired to his house, where we were treated with equal elegance
and hospitality, to the utter confusion of our aunt, whose prejudices, though
beginning to give way, were not yet entirely removed. To-day, by the assistance
of our friend, we are settled in convenient lodgings, up four pair of stairs, in
the High-street, the fourth story being, in this city, reckoned more genteel
than the first. The air is, in all probability, the better; but it requires good
lungs to breathe it at this distance above the surface of the earth. - While I
do remain above it, whether higher or lower, provided I breathe at all,
I shall ever be,
dear Phillips, yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    July 18.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Lewis,
    That part of Scotland contiguous to Berwick, nature seems to have intended
as a barrier between two hostile nations. It is a brown desert of considerable
extent, that produces nothing but heath and fern; and what rendered it the more
dreary when we passed, there was a thick fog that hindered us from seeing above
twenty yards from the carriage - My sister began to make wry faces, and use her
smelling-bottle; Liddy looked blank, and Mrs. Jenkins dejected; but in a few
hours these clouds were dissipated; the sea appeared upon our right, and on the
left the mountains retired a little, leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them and
the beach; but, what surprised us all, this plain, to the extent of several
miles, was covered with as fine wheat as ever I saw in the most fertile parts of
South Britain - This plentiful crop is raised in the open field, without any
inclosure, or other manure than the alga marina, or sea-weed, which abounds on
this coast; a circumstance which shows that the soil and climate are favourable;
but that agriculture in this country is not yet brought to that perfection which
it has attained in England. Inclosures would not only keep the grounds warm, and
the several fields distinct, but would also protect the crop from the high
winds, which are so frequent in this part of the island.
    Dunbar is well situated for trade, and has a curious basin, where ships of
small burden may be perfectly secure; but there is little appearance of
business in the place - From thence, all the way to Edinburgh, there is a
continual succession of fine seats, belonging to noblemen and gentlemen; and as
each is surrounded by its own parks and plantation, they produce a very pleasing
effect in a country which lies otherwise open and exposed. At Dunbar there is a
noble park, with a lodge, belonging to the Duke of Roxburgh, where Oliver
Cromwell had his headquarters, when Lesley, at the head of a Scotch army, took
possession of the mountains in the neighbourhood, and hampered him in such a
manner, that he would have been obliged to embark and get away by sea, had not
the fanaticism of the enemy forfeited the advantage which they had obtained by
their general's conduct - Their ministers, by exhortation, prayer, assurance,
and prophecy, instigated them to go down and slay the Philistines in Gilgal, and
they quitted their ground accordingly, notwithstanding all that Lesley could do
to restrain the madness of their enthusiasm - When Oliver saw them in motion, he
exclaimed, »Praised be the Lord, he hath delivered them into the hands of his
servant!« and ordered his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving, while they
advanced in order to the plain, where the Scots were routed with great
slaughter.
    In the neighbourhood of Haddington, there is a gentleman's house, in the
building of which, and the improvements about it, he is said to have expended
forty thousand pounds: but I cannot say I was much pleased with either the
architecture or the situation; though it has in front a pastoral stream, the
banks of which are laid out in a very agreeable manner. I intended to pay my
respects to lord Elibank, whom I had the honour to know at London many years
ago. He lives in this part of Lothian; but was gone to the North, on a visit -
You have often heard me mention this nobleman, whom I have long revered for his
humanity and universal intelligence, over and above the entertainment arising
from the originality of his character - At Musselburgh, however, I had the good
fortune to drink tea with my old friend Mr. Cardonel; and at his house I met
with Dr. C--, the parson of the parish, whose humour and conversation inflamed
me with a desire of being better acquainted with his person - I am not at all
surprised that these Scots make their way in every quarter of the globe.
    This place is but four miles from Edinburgh, towards which we proceeded
along the sea-shore, upon a firm bottom of smooth sand, which the tide had left
uncovered in its retreat - Edinburgh, from this avenue, is not seen to much
advantage - We had only an imperfect view of the Castle and upper parts of the
town, which varied incessantly according to the inflexions of the road, and
exhibited the appearance of detached spires and turrets, belonging to some
magnificent edifice in ruins. The palace of Holyrood house stands on the left,
as you enter the Canongate - This is a street continued from hence to the gate
called Nether Bow, which is now taken away; so that there is no interruption for
a long mile, from the bottom to the top of the hill on which the Castle stands
in a most imperial situation - Considering its fine pavement, its width, and the
lofty houses on each side, this would be undoubtedly one of the noblest streets
in Europe, if an ugly mass of mean buildings, called the Lucken-Booths, had not
thrust itself, by what accident I know not, into the middle of the way, like
Middle-Row in Holborn. The city stands upon two hills, and the bottom between
them; and, with all its defects, may very well pass for the capital of a
moderate kingdom - It is full of people, and continually resounds with the noise
of coaches and other carriages, for luxury as well as commerce. As far as I can
perceive, here is no want of provisions - The beef and mutton are as delicate
here as in Wales; the sea affords plenty of good fish; the bread is remarkably
fine; and the water is excellent, though I'm afraid not in sufficient quantity
to answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience; articles in which, it
must be allowed, our fellow-subjects are a little defective - The water is
brought in leaden pipes from a mountain in the neighbourhood, to a cistern on
the Castle-hill, from whence it is distributed to public conduits in different
parts of the city - From these it is carried in barrels, on the backs of male
and female porters, up two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight pair of
stairs, for the use of particular families - Every story is a complete house,
occupied by a separate family; and the stair being common to them all, is
generally left in a very filthy condition; a man must tread with great
circumspection to get safe housed with unpolluted shoes - Nothing can form a
stronger contrast, than the difference betwixt the outside and inside of the
door; for the good-women of this metropolis are remarkably nice in the ornaments
and propriety of their apartments, as if they were resolved to transfer the
imputation from the individual to the public. You are no stranger to their
method of discharging all their impurities from their windows, at a certain hour
of the night, as the custom is in Spain, Portugal, and some parts of France and
Italy - A practice to which I can by no means be reconciled; for notwithstanding
all the care that is taken by their scavengers to remove this nuisance every
morning by break of day, enough still remains to offend the eyes, as well as
other organs of those whom use has not hardened against all delicacy of
sensation.
    The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions, and are apt to imagine
the disgust that we avow is little better than affectation; but they ought to
have some compassion for strangers, who have not been used to this kind of
sufferance; and consider, whether it may not be worth while to take some pains
to vindicate themselves from the reproach that, on this account, they bear among
their neighbours. As to the surprising height of their houses, it is absurd in
many respects; but in one particular light I cannot view it without horror; that
is, the dreadful situation of all the families above, in case the common
staircase should be rendered impassable by a fire in the lower stories - In
order to prevent the shocking consequences that must attend such an accident, it
would be a right measure to open doors of communication from one house to
another, on every story, by which the people might fly from such a terrible
visitation. In all parts of the world, we see the force of habit prevailing over
all the dictates of convenience and sagacity - All the people of business at
Edinburgh, and even the genteel company, may be seen standing in crowds every
day, from one to two in the afternoon, in the open street, at a place where
formerly stood a market-cross, which (by the bye) was a curious piece of Gothic
architecture, still to be seen in lord Sommerville's garden in this
neighbourhood - I say, the people stand in the open street from the force of
custom, rather than move a few yards to an Exchange that stands empty on one
side, or to the Parliament-close on the other, which is a noble square, adorned
with a fine equestrian statue of king Charles II. - The company thus assembled,
are entertained with a variety of tunes, played upon a set of bells, fixed in a
steeple hard by - As these bells are well-toned, and the musician, who has a
salary from the city, for playing upon them with keys, is no bad performer, the
entertainment is really agreeable, and very striking to the ears of a stranger.
    The public inns of Edinburgh, are still worse than those of London; but by
means of a worthy gentleman, to whom I was recommended, we have got decent
lodgings in the house of a widow gentlewoman, of the name of Lockhart; and here
I shall stay until I have seen every thing that is remarkable in and about this
capital. I now begin to feel the good effects of exercise - I eat like a farmer,
sleep from mid-night till eight in the morning without interruption, and enjoy a
constant tide of spirits, equally distant from inanition and excess; but
whatever ebbs or flows my constitution may undergo, my heart will still declare
that I am,
Dear Lewis,
Your affectionate friend and servant
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Edr. July 18.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Mary,
    The 'squire has been so kind as to rap my bit of nonsense under the kiver of
his own sheet - O, Mary Jones! Mary Jones! I have had trials and trembulation.
God help me! I have been a vixen and a griffin these many days - Sattin has had
power to temp me in the shape of van Ditton, the young 'squire's wally de
shamble; but by God's grease he did not purvail - I thoft as how, there was no
arm in going to a play at Newcastle, with my hair dressed in the Parish fashion;
and as for the trifle of paint, he said as how my complexion wanted rouch, and
so I let him put it on with a little Spanish owl; but a mischievous mob of
colliers, and such promiscous ribble rabble, that could bare no smut but their
own, attacked us in the street, and called me hoar and painted Issabel, and
splashed my close, and spoiled me a complete set of blond lace triple ruffles,
not a pin the worse for the ware - They cost me seven good sillings, to lady
Griskin's woman at London.
    When I axed Mr. Clinker what they meant by calling me Issabel, he put the
byebill into my hand, and I read of van Issabel a painted harlot, that vas
thrown out of a vindore, and the dogs came and licked her blood - But I am no
harlot; and, with God's blessing, no dog shall have my poor blood to lick:
marry, Heaven forbid, amen! As for Ditton, after all his courting, and his
compliment, he stole away an Irishman's bride, and took a French leave of me and
his master; but I vally not his going a farting; but I have had hanger on his
account - Mistriss scoulded like mad; thof I have the comfit that all the family
took my part, and even Mr. Clinker pleaded for me on his bended knee; thof, God
he knows, he had raisins enuff to complain; but he's a good sole, abounding with
Christian meekness, and one day will meet with his reward.
    And now, dear Mary, we have got to Haddingborrough, among the Scots, who are
civil enuff for our money, thof I don't speak their lingo - But they should not
go for to impose upon foreigners; for the bills in their houses say, they have
different easements to let; and behold there is nurro geaks in the whole
kingdom, nor any thing for poor sarvants, but a barrel with a pair of tongs
thrown a-cross; and all the chairs in the family are emptied into this here
barrel once a-day; and at ten o'clock at night the whole cargo is flung out of a
back windore that looks into some street or lane, and the maid calls gardy loo
to the passengers, which signifies Lord have mercy upon you! and this is done
every night in every house in Haddingborrough; so you may guess, Mary Jones,
what a sweet savour comes from such a number of profuming pans; but they say it
is wholesome, and, truly, I believe it is; for being in the vapours, and
thinking of Issabel and Mr. Clinker, I was going into a fit of astericks, when
this fiff, saving your presence, took me by the nose so powerfully that I
sneezed three times, and found myself wonderfully refreshed; and this to be sure
is the raisin why there are no fits in Haddingborrough.
    I was likewise made believe, that there was nothing to be had but oat-meal
and seeps-heads; but if I hadn't been a fool, I mought have known there could be
no heads without kerkasses - This very blessed day I dined upon a delicate leg
of Velsh mutton and cully-flower; and as for the oat-meal, I leave that to the
sarvants of the country, which are pore drudges, many of them without shoes or
stockings - Mr. Clinker tells me here is a great call of the gospel; but I wish,
I wish some of our family be not fallen off from the rite way - O, if I was
given to tail-baring, I have my own secrets to discover - There has been a deal
of huggling and flurtation betwixt mistress and an ould Scots officer, called
Kismycago. He looks for all the orld like the scarecrow that our gardener set up
to frite away the sparrows; and what will come of it, the Lord nows; but come
what will, it shall never be said that I menchioned a syllabub of the matter -
Remember me kindly to Saul and the kitten - I hope they got the horn-buck, and
will put it to a good yuse, which is the constant prayer of,
Dear Molly,
your loving friend,
                                                                    WIN. JENKINS
    Addingborough, July 18.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    If I stay much longer at Edinburgh, I shall be changed into a downright
Caledonian - My uncle observes, that I have already acquired something of the
country accent. The people here are so social and attentive in their civilities
to strangers, that I am insensibly sucked into the channel of their manners and
customs, although they are in fact much more different from ours than you can
imagine - That difference, however, which struck me very much at my first
arrival, I now hardly perceive, and my ear is perfectly reconciled to the Scotch
accent, which I find even agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman - It is a
sort of Doric dialect, which gives an idea of amiable simplicity - You cannot
imagine how we have been caressed and feasted in the good town of Edinburgh, of
which we are become free denizens and guild brothers, by the special favour of
the magistracy.
    I had a whimsical commission from Bath, to a citizen of this metropolis -
Quin, understanding our intention to visit Edinburgh, pulled out a guinea, and
desired the favour I would drink it at a tavern, with a particular friend and
bottle-companion of his, one Mr. R-- C--, a lawyer of this city - I charged
myself with the commission, and, taking the guinea, »You see (said I) I have
pocketed your bounty.« »Yes (replied Quin, laughing); and a head-ake into the
bargain, if you drink fair.« I made use of this introduction to Mr. C--, who
received me with open arms, and gave me the rendezvous, according to the cartel.
He had provided a company of jolly fellows, among whom I found myself extremely
happy; and did Mr. C-- and Quin all the justice in my power; but, alas, I was no
more than a tyro among a troop of veterans, who had compassion upon my youth,
and conveyed me home in the morning, by what means I know not - Quin was
mistaken, however, as to the head-ake; the claret was too good to treat me so
roughly.
    While Mr. Bramble holds conferences with the graver literati of the place,
and our females are entertained at visits by the Scotch ladies, who are the best
and kindest creatures upon earth, I pass my time among the bucks of Edinburgh;
who, with a great share of spirit and vivacity, have a certain shrewdness and
self-command that is not often found among their neighbours, in the high-day of
youth and exultation - Not a hint escapes a Scotchman that can be interpreted
into offence by any individual in the company; and national reflections are
never heard - In this particular, I must own, we are both unjust and ungrateful
to the Scots; for, as far as I am able to judge, they have a real esteem for the
natives of South-Britain; and never mention our country, but with expressions of
regard - Nevertheless, they are far from being servile imitators of our modes
and fashionable vices. All their customs and regulations of public and private
economy, of business and diversion, are in their own stile. This remarkably
predominates in their looks, their dress, and manner, their music, and even
their cookery. Our 'squire declares, that he knows not another people upon
earth, so strongly marked with a national character - Now we are upon the
article of cookery, I must own, some of their dishes are savoury, and even
delicate; but I am not yet Scotchman enough to relish their singed sheep's-head
and haggice, which were provided at our request, one day at Mr. Mitchelson's,
where we dined - The first put me in mind of the history of Congo, in which I
had read of negros' heads sold publicly in the markets; the last, being a mess
of minced lights, livers, suet, oat-meal, onions, and pepper, enclosed in a
sheep's stomach, had a very sudden effect upon mine, and the delicate Mrs. Tabby
changed colour; when the cause of our disgust was instantaneously removed at the
nod of our entertainer. The Scots, in general, are attached to this composition,
with a sort of national fondness, as well as to their oat-meal bread; which is
presented at every table, in thin triangular cakes, baked upon a plate of iron,
called a girdle; and these, many of the natives, even in the higher ranks of
life, prefer to wheaten-bread, which they have here in perfection - You know we
used to vex poor Murray of Baliol-college, by asking, if there was really no
fruit but turnips in Scotland? - Sure enough, I have seen turnips make their
appearance, not as a desert, but by way of hors d'æuvres, or whets, as radishes
are served up betwixt more substantial dishes in France and Italy; but it must
be observed, that the turnips of this country are as much superior in sweetness,
delicacy, and flavour, to those of England, as a musk-melon is to the stock of a
common cabbage. They are small and conical, of a yellowish colour, with a very
thin skin; and, over and above their agreeable taste, are valuable for their
antiscorbutic quality - As to the fruit now in season, such as cherries,
gooseberries, and currants, there is no want of them at Edinburgh; and in the
gardens of some gentlemen, who live in this neighbourhood, there is now a very
favourable appearance of apricots, peaches, nectarines, and even grapes: nay, I
have seen a very fine show of pine-apples within a few miles of this metropolis.
Indeed, we have no reason to be surprised at these particulars, when we consider
how little difference there is, in fact, betwixt this climate and that of
London.
    All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues, for ten miles around,
we have visited, much to our satisfaction. In the Castle are some royal
apartments, where the sovereign occasionally resided; and here are carefully
preserved the regalia of the kingdom, consisting of a crown, said to be of great
value, a sceptre, and a sword of state, adorned with jewels - Of these symbols
of sovereignty, the people are exceedingly jealous - A report being spread,
during the sitting of the union-parliament, that they were removed to London,
such a tumult arose, that the lord commissioner would have been torn in pieces,
if he had not produced them for the satisfaction of the populace.
    The palace of Holyrood-house is an elegant piece of architecture, but sunk
in an obscure, and, as I take it, unwholesome bottom, where one would imagine it
had been placed on purpose to be concealed. The apartments are lofty, but
unfurnished; and as for the pictures of the Scottish kings, from Fergus I. to
king William, they are paltry daubings, mostly by the same hand, painted either
from the imagination, or porters hired to sit for the purpose. All the
diversions of London we enjoy at Edinburgh, in a small compass. Here is a
well-conducted concert, in which several gentlemen perform on different
instruments - The Scots are all musicians - Every man you meet plays on the
flute, the violin, or violoncello; and there is one nobleman, whose compositions
are universally admired - Our company of actors is very tolerable; and a
subscription is now on foot for building a new theatre; but their assemblies
please me above all other public exhibitions.
    We have been at the hunters ball, where I was really astonished to see such
a number of fine women - The English, who have never crossed the Tweed, imagine
erroneously, that the Scotch ladies are not remarkable for personal attractions;
but, I can declare with a safe conscience, I never saw so many handsome females
together, as were assembled on this occasion. At the Leith races, the best
company comes hither from the remoter provinces; so that, I suppose, we had all
the beauty of the kingdom concentrated as it were into one focus; which was,
indeed, so vehement, that my heart could hardly resist its power - Between
friends, it has sustained some damage from the bright eyes of the charming miss
R--n, whom I had the honour to dance with at the ball - The countess of Melville
attracted all eyes, and the admiration of all present - She was accompanied by
the agreeable miss Grieve, who made many conquests; nor did my sister Liddy pass
unnoticed in the assembly - She is become a toast at Edinburgh, by the name of
the Fair Cambrian, and has already been the occasion of much wine-shed; but the
poor girl met with an accident at the ball, which has given us great
disturbance.
    A young gentleman, the express image of that rascal Wilson, went up to ask
her to dance a minuet; and his sudden appearance shocked her so much, that she
fainted away - I call Wilson a rascal, because, if he had been really a
gentleman, with honourable intentions, he would have, ere now, appeared in his
own character - I must own, my blood boils with indignation when I think of that
fellow's presumption; and Heaven confound me if I don't - But I won't be so
womanish as to rail - Time will, perhaps, furnish occasion - Thank God, the
cause of Liddy's disorder remains a secret. The lady directress of the ball,
thinking she was overcome by the heat of the place, had her conveyed to another
room, where she soon recovered so well, as to return and join in the
country-dances, in which the Scotch lasses acquit themselves with such spirit
and agility, as put their partners to the height of their mettle - I believe our
aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, had entertained hopes of being able to do some execution
among the cavaliers at this assembly - She had been several days in consultation
with milliners and mantua-makers, preparing for the occasion, at which she made
her appearance in a full suit of damask, so thick and heavy, that the sight of
it alone, at this season of the year, was sufficient to draw drops of sweat from
any man of ordinary imagination - She danced one minuet with our friend, Mr.
Mitchelson, who favoured her so far, in the spirit of hospitality and
politeness; and she was called out a second time by the young laird of
Ballymawhawple, who, coming in by accident, could not readily find any other
partner; but as the first was a married man, and the second paid no particular
homage to her charms, which were also over-looked by the rest of the company,
she became dissatisfied and censorious - At supper, she observed that the Scotch
gentlemen made a very good figure, when they were a little improved by
travelling; and therefore it was pity they did not all take the benefit of going
abroad - She said the women were awkward, masculine creatures; that, in dancing,
they lifted their legs like so many colts; that they had no idea of graceful
motion, and put on their clothes in a frightful manner; but if the truth must be
told, Tabby herself was the most ridiculous figure, and the worst dressed of the
whole assembly - The neglect of the male sex rendered her malcontent and
peevish; she now found fault with every thing at Edinburgh, and teized her
brother to leave the place, when she was suddenly reconciled to it on a
religious consideration - There is a sect of fanaticks, who have separated
themselves from the established kirk, under the name of Seceders - They
acknowledge no earthly head of the church, reject lay-patronage, and maintain
the methodist doctrines of the new birth, the new light, the efficacy of grace,
the insufficiency of works, and the operations of the spirit. Mrs. Tabitha,
attended by Humphry Clinker, was introduced to one of their conventicles, where
they both received much edification; and she has had the good fortune to come
acquainted with a pious Christian, called Mr. Moffat, who is very powerful in
prayer, and often assists her in private exercises of devotion.
    I never saw such a concourse of genteel company at any races in England, as
appeared on the course of Leith-Hard by, in the fields called the Links, the
citizens of Edinburgh divert themselves at a game called golf, in which they use
a curious kind of bats, tipt with horn, and small elastic balls of leather,
stuffed with feathers, rather less than tennis balls, but of a much harder
consistence - This they strike with such force and dexterity from one hole to
another, that they will fly to an incredible distance. Of this diversion the
Scots are so fond, that when the weather will permit, you may see a multitude of
all ranks, from the senator of justice to the lowest tradesmen, mingled together
in their shirts, and following the balls with the utmost eagerness - Among
others, I was shown one particular set of golfers, the youngest of whom was
turned of fourscore - They were all gentlemen of independent fortunes, who had
amused themselves with this pastime for the best part of a century, without
having ever felt the least alarm from sickness or disgust; and they never went
to bed, without having each the best part of a gallon of claret in his belly.
Such uninterrupted exercise, co-operating with the keen air from the sea, must,
without all doubt, keep the appetite always on edge, and steel the constitution
against all the common attacks of distemper.
    The Leith races gave occasion to another entertainment of a very singular
nature - There is at Edinburgh a society or corporation of errand-boys, called
cawdies, who ply in the streets at night with paper lanthorns, and are very
serviceable in carrying messages - These fellows, though shabby in their
appearance, and rudely familiar in their address, are wonderfully acute, and so
noted for fidelity, that there is no instance of a cawdy's having betrayed his
trust - Such is their intelligence, that they know, not only every individual of
the place, but also every stranger, by that time he has been four and twenty
hours in Edinburgh; and no transaction, even the most private, can escape their
notice - They are particularly famous for their dexterity in executing one of
the functions of Mercury; though, for my own part, I never employed them in this
department of business - Had I occasion for any service of this nature, my own
man Archy M'Alpine, is as well qualified as e'er a cawdie in Edinburgh; and I am
much mistaken if he has not been heretofore of their fraternity. Be that as it
may, they resolved to give a dinner and a ball at Leith, to which they formally
invited all the young noblemen and gentlemen that were at the races; and this
invitation was reinforced by an assurance that all the celebrated ladies of
pleasure would grace the entertainment with their company. - I received a card
on this occasion, and went thither with half a dozen of my acquaintance. - In a
large hall the cloth was laid on a long range of tables joined together, and
here the company seated themselves, to the number of about fourscore, lords, and
lairds, and other gentlemen, courtezans and cawdies mingled together, as the
slaves and their masters were in the time of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. -
The toastmaster, who sat at the upper end, was one cawdie Fraser, a veteran
pimp, distinguished for his humour and sagacity, well known and much respected
in his profession by all the guests, male and female, that were here assembled.
- He had bespoke the dinner and the wine: he had taken care that all his
brethren should appear in decent apparel and clean linen; and he himself wore a
periwig with three tails, in honour of the festival - I assure you the banquet
was both elegant and plentiful, and seasoned with a thousand sallies, that
promoted a general spirit of mirth and good humour. - After the desert, Mr.
Fraser proposed the following toasts, which I don't pretend to explain. - »The
best in Christendom.« - »Gibb's contract.« - »The beggar's bennison.« - »King
and kirk.« - »Great-Britain and Ireland.« - Then, filling a bumper, and turning
to me, »Mester Malford, (said he) may a' unkindness cease betwixt John Bull and
his sister Moggy.« - The next person he singled out, was a nobleman who had been
long abroad. - »Ma lord, (cried Fraser) here is a bumper to a' those noblemen
who have virtue enough to spend their rents in their ain countray.« - He
afterwards addressed himself to a member of parliament in these words: - »Mester
- I'm sure ye'll ha' nae objection to my drinking, Disgrace and dule to ilka
Scot, that sells his conscience and his vote.« - He discharged a third sarcasm
at a person very gaily dressed, who had risen from small beginnings, and made a
considerable fortune at play. - Filling his glass, and calling him by name,
»Lang life (said he) to the wylie loon that gangs a-field with a toom poke at
his lunzie, and comes hame with a sackful of siller.« - All these toasts being
received with loud bursts of applause, Mr. Fraser called for pint glasses, and
filled his own to the brim: then standing up, and all his brethren following his
example, »Ma lords and gentlemen (cried he), here is a cup of thanks for the
great and undeserved honour you have done your poor errand-boys this day.« - So
saying, he and they drank off their glasses in a trice, and, quitting their
seats, took their station each behind one of the other guests; - exclaiming,
»Noo we're your honours' cawdies again.«
    The nobleman who had bore the first brunt of Mr. Fraser's satire, objected
to his abdication. He said, as the company was assembled by invitation from the
cawdies, he expected they were to be entertained at their expense. »By no means,
my lord, (cried Fraser) I wad na be guilty of sic presumption for the wide warld
- I never affronted a gentleman since I was born; and sure at this age, I wonnot
offer an indignity to sic an honourable convention.« »Well, (said his lordship)
as you have expended some wit, you have a right to save your money. You have
given me good counsel, and I take it in good part. As you have voluntarily
quitted your seat, I will take your place with the leave of the good company,
and think myself happy to be hailed, Father of the Feast.« He was forthwith
elected into the chair, and complimented in a bumper in his new character.
    The claret continued to circulate without interruption, till the glasses
seemed to dance upon the table, and this, perhaps, was a hint to the ladies to
call for music - At eight in the evening the ball began in another apartment: at
midnight we went to supper; but it was broad day before I found the way to my
lodgings; and, no doubt, his lordship had a swinging bill to discharge.
    In short, I have lived so riotously for some weeks, that my uncle begins to
be alarmed on the score of my constitution, and very seriously observes, that
all his own infirmities are owing to such excesses indulged in his youth - Mrs.
Tabitha says it would be more for the advantage of my soul as well as body, if,
instead of frequenting these scenes of debauchery, I would accompany Mr. Moffat
and her to hear a sermon of the reverend Mr. M'Corkin-dale. - Clinker often
exhorts me, with a groan, to take care of my precious health; and even Archy
M'Alpine, when he happens to be overtaken (which is oftener the case than I
could wish) reads me a long lecture upon temperance and sobriety; and is so very
wise and sententious, that, if I could provide him with a professor's chair, I
would willingly give up the benefit of his admonitions and service together; for
I was tutor-sick at alma mater.
    I am not, however, so much engrossed by the gaieties of Edinburgh, but that
I find time to make parties in the family way. - We have not only seen all the
villas and villages within ten miles of the capital, but we have also crossed
the Firth, which is an arm of the sea seven miles broad, that divides Lothian
from the shire, or, as the Scots call it, the kingdom of Fife. There is a number
of large open sea-boats that ply on this passage from Leith to Kinghorn, which
is a borough on the other side. In one of these our whole family embarked three
days ago, excepting my sister, who, being exceedingly fearful of the water, was
left to the care of Mrs. Mitchelson. We had an easy and quick passage into Fife,
where we visited a number of poor towns on the sea-side, including St. Andrew's,
which is the skeleton of a venerable city; but we were much better pleased with
some noble and elegant seats and castles, of which there is a great number in
that part of Scotland. Yesterday we took boat again on our return to Leith, with
fair wind and agreeable weather; but we had not advanced half-way when the sky
was suddenly over-cast, and the wind changing, blew directly in our teeth; so
that we were obliged to turn, or tack the rest of the way. In a word, the gale
increased to a storm of wind and rain, attended with such a fog, that we could
not see the town of Leith, to which we were bound, nor even the castle of
Edinburgh, notwithstanding its high situation. It is not to be doubted but that
we were all alarmed on this occasion. And at the same time, most of the
passengers were seized with a nausea that produced violent retchings. My aunt
desired her brother to order the boatmen to put back to Kinghorn, and this
expedient he actually proposed; but they assured him there was no danger. Mrs.
Tabitha finding them obstinate, began to scold, and insisted upon my uncle's
exerting his authority as a justice of the peace. Sick and peevish as he was, he
could not help laughing at this wise proposal, telling her, that his commission
did not extend so far, and, if he did, he should let the people take their own
way; for he thought it would be great presumption in him to direct them in the
exercise of their own profession. Mrs. Winifred Jenkins made a general clearance
with the assistance of Mr. Humphry Clinker, who joined her both in prayer and
ejaculation. - As he took it for granted that we should not be long in this
world, he offered some spiritual consolation to Mrs. Tabitha, who rejected it
with great disgust, bidding him keep his sermons for those who had leisure to
hear such nonsense. - My uncle sat, recollected in himself, without speaking; my
man Archy had recourse to a brandy-bottle, with which he made so free, that I
imagined he had sworn to die of drinking any thing rather than sea-water: but
the brandy had no more effect upon him in the way of intoxication, than if it
had been sea-water in good earnest. - As for myself, I was too much engrossed by
the sickness at my stomach, to think of any thing else. - Mean while the sea
swelled mountains high, the boat pitched with such violence, as if it had been
going to pieces; the cordage rattled, the wind roared; the lightning flashed,
the thunder bellowed, and the rain descended in a deluge - Every time the vessel
was put about, we ship'd a sea that drenched us all to the skin. - When, by dint
of turning, we thought to have cleared the pier head, we were driven to leeward,
and then the boatmen themselves began to fear that the tide would fail before we
should fetch up our leeway: the next trip, however, brought us into smooth
water, and we were safely landed on the quay, about one o'clock in the
afternoon. - »To be sure (cried Tabby, when she found herself on terra firma),
we must all have perished, if we had not been the particular care of
Providence.« - »Yes, (replied my uncle) but I am much of the honest highlander's
mind - after he had made such a passage as this: his friend told him he was much
indebted to Providence; - Certainly, (said Donald) but, by my saul, mon, I'se
ne'er trouble Providence again, so long as the brig of Stirling stands.« - You
must know the brig, or bridge of Stirling, stands above twenty miles up the
river Forth, of which this is the outlet - I don't find that our 'squire has
suffered in his health from this adventure; but poor Liddy is in a peaking way -
I'm afraid this unfortunate girl is uneasy in her mind; and this apprehension
distracts me, for she is really an amiable creature.
    We shall set out to-morrow or next day for Stirling and Glasgow; and we
propose to penetrate a little way into the Highlands, before we turn our course
to the southward - In the mean time commend me to all our friends round Carfax,
and believe me to be, ever yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Edinburgh, Aug. 8.
 

                                   Volume III

                                  To Dr. Lewis

I should be very ungrateful, dear Lewis, if I did not find myself disposed to
think and speak favourably of this people, among whom I have met with more
kindness, hospitality, and rational entertainment, in a few weeks, than ever I
received in any other country during the whole course of my life. - Perhaps, the
gratitude excited by these benefits may interfere with the impartiality of my
remarks; for a man is as apt to be prepossessed by particular favours as to be
prejudiced by private motives of disgust. If I am partial, there is, at least,
some merit in my conversion from illiberal prejudices which had grown up with my
constitution.
    The first impressions which an Englishman receives in this country, will not
contribute to the removal of his prejudices; because he refers every thing he
sees to a comparison with the same articles in his own country; and this
comparison is unfavourable to Scotland in all its exteriors, such as the face of
the country in respect to cultivation, the appearance of the bulk of the people,
and the language of conversation in general. - I am not so far convinced by Mr.
Lismahago's arguments, but that I think the Scots would do well, for their own
sakes, to adopt the English idioms and pronunciation; those of them especially,
who are resolved to push their fortunes in South-Britain. - I know, by
experience, how easily an Englishman is influenced by the ear, and how apt he is
to laugh, when he hears his own language spoken with a foreign or provincial
accent. - I have known a member of the house of commons speak with great energy
and precision, without being able to engage attention, because his observations
were made in the Scotch dialect, which (no offence to lieutenant Lismahago)
certainly gives a clownish air even to sentiments of the greatest dignity and
decorum. - I have declared my opinion on this head to some of the most sensible
men of this country, observing, at the same time, that if they would employ a
few natives of England to teach the pronunciation of our vernacular tongue, in
twenty years there would be no difference, in point of dialect, between the
youth of Edinburgh and of London.
    The civil regulations of this kingdom and metropolis are taken from very
different models from those of England, except in a few particular
establishments, the necessary consequences of the union. - Their college of
justice is a bench of great dignity, filled with judges of character and
ability. - I have heard some causes tried before this venerable tribunal; and
was very much pleased with the pleadings of their advocates, who are by no means
deficient either in argument or elocution. The Scottish legislation is founded,
in a great measure, on the civil law; consequently, their proceedings vary from
those of the English tribunals; but, I think, they have the advantage of us in
their method of examining witnesses apart, and in the constitution of their
jury, by which they certainly avoid the evil which I mentioned in my last from
Lismahago's observation.
    The university of Edinburgh is supplied with excellent professors in all the
sciences; and the medical school, in particular, is famous all over Europe. -
The students of this art have the best opportunity of learning it to perfection,
in all its branches, as there are different courses for the theory of medicine,
and the practice of medicine; for anatomy, chemistry, botany, and the materia
medica, over and above those of mathematics and experimental philosophy; and all
these are given by men of distinguished talents. What renders this part of
education still more complete, is the advantage of attending the infirmary,
which is the best instituted charitable foundation that I ever knew. Now we are
talking of charities, here are several hospitals, exceedingly well endowed, and
maintained under admirable regulations; and these are not only useful, but
ornamental to the city. Among these, I shall only mention the general
work-house, in which all the poor, not otherwise provided for, are employed,
according to their different abilities, with such judgment and effect, that they
nearly maintain themselves by their labour, and there is not a beggar to be seen
within the precincts of this metropolis. It was Glasgow that set the example of
this establishment, about thirty years ago. - Even the kirk of Scotland, so long
reproached with fanaticism and canting, abounds at present with ministers
celebrated for their learning, and respectable for their moderation. - I have
heard their sermons with equal astonishment and pleasure. - The good people of
Edinburgh no longer think dirt and cobwebs essential to the house of God. - Some
of their churches have admitted such ornaments as would have excited sedition,
even in England, a little more than a century ago; and psalmody is here
practised and taught by a professor from the cathedral of Durham: - I should not
be surprised, in a few years, to hear it accompanied with an organ.
    Edinburgh is a hot-bed of genius. - I have had the good fortune to be made
acquainted with many authors of the first distinction; such as the two Humes,
Robertson, Smith, Wallace, Blair, Ferguson, Wilkie, etc., and I have found them
all as agreeable in conversation as they are instructive and entertaining in
their writings. These acquaintances I owe to the friendship of Dr. Carlyle, who
wants nothing but inclination to figure with the rest upon paper. The magistracy
of Edinburgh is changed every year by election, and seems to be very well
adapted both for state and authority. - The lord provost is equal in dignity to
the lord mayor of London; and the four bailies are equivalent to the rank of
aldermen. - There is a dean of guild, who takes cognizance of mercantile
affairs; a treasurer; a town-clerk; and the council is composed of deacons, one
of whom is returned every year, in rotation, as representative of every company
of artificers or handicraftsmen. Though this city, from the nature of its
situation, can never be made either very convenient or very cleanly, it has,
nevertheless, an air of magnificence that commands respect. - The castle is an
instance of the sublime in scite and architecture. - Its fortifications are kept
in good order, and there is always in it a garrison of regular soldiers, which
is relieved every year; but it is incapable of sustaining a siege carried on
according to the modern operations of war. - The castle hill, which extends from
the outward gate to the upper end of the high-street, is used as a public walk
for the citizens, and commands a prospect, equally extensive and delightful,
over the county of Fife, on the other side of the Frith, and all along the
sea-coast, which is covered with a succession of towns that would seem to
indicate a considerable share of commerce; but, if the truth must be told, these
towns have been falling to decay ever since the union, by which the Scots were
in a great measure deprived of their trade with France. - The palace of
Holyrood-house is a jewel in architecture, thrust into a hollow where it cannot
be seen; a situation which was certainly not chosen by the ingenious architect,
who must have been confined to the scite of the old palace, which was a convent.
Edinburgh is considerably extended on the south side, where there are divers
little elegant squares built in the English manner; and the citizens have
planned some improvements on the north, which, when put in execution, will add
greatly to the beauty and convenience of this capital.
    The sea-port is Leith, a flourishing town, about a mile from the city, in
the harbour of which I have seen above one hundred ships lying all together. You
must know, I had the curiosity to cross the Frith in a passage-boat, and stayed
two days in Fife, which is remarkably fruitful in corn, and exhibits a
surprising number of fine seats, elegantly built, and magnificently furnished.
There is an incredible number of noble houses in every part of Scotland that I
have seen. - Dalkeith, Pinkie, Yester, and lord Hopton's, all of them within
four or five miles of Edinburgh, are princely palaces, in every one of which a
sovereign might reside at his ease. - I suppose the Scots affect these monuments
of grandeur. - If I may be allowed to mingle censure with my remarks upon a
people I revere, I must observe, that their weak side seems to be vanity. - I am
afraid that even their hospitality is not quite free of ostentation. - I think I
have discovered among them uncommon pains taken to display their fine linen, of
which, indeed, they have great plenty, their furniture, plate, house-keeping,
and variety of wines, in which article, it must be owned, they are profuse, if
not prodigal. - A burgher of Edinburgh, not content to vie with a citizen of
London, who has ten times his fortune, must excel him in the expense as well as
elegance of his entertainments.
    Though the villas of the Scotch nobility and gentry have generally an air of
grandeur and state, I think their gardens and parks are not comparable to those
of England; a circumstance the more remarkable, as I was told by the ingenious
Mr. Philip Miller of Chelsea, that almost all the gardeners of South-Britain
were natives of Scotland. The verdure of this country is not equal to that of
England. - The pleasure-grounds are, in my opinion, not so well laid out
according to the genius loci; nor are the lawns, and walks, and hedges kept in
such delicate order. - The trees are planted in prudish rows, which have not
such an agreeable natural effect, as when they are thrown into irregular
groupes, with intervening glades; and the firs, which they generally raise
around their houses, look dull and funereal in the summer season. - I must
confess, indeed, that they yield serviceable timber, and good shelter against
the northern blasts; that they grow and thrive in the most barren soil, and
continually perspire a fine balsam of turpentine, which must render the air very
salutary and sanative to lungs of a tender texture.
    Tabby and I have been both frightened in our return by sea from the coast of
Fife. - She was afraid of drowning, and I of catching cold, in consequence of
being drenched with sea-water; but my fears, as well as her's, have been happily
disappointed. - She is now in perfect health; I wish I could say the same of
Liddy. - Something uncommon is the matter with that poor child; her colour
fades, her appetite fails, and her spirits flag. - She is become moping and
melancholy, and is often found in tears. - Her brother suspects internal
uneasiness on account of Wilson, and denounces vengeance against that
adventurer. - She was, it seems, strongly affected at the ball by the sudden
appearance of one Mr. Gordon, who strongly resembles the said Wilson; but I am
rather suspicious that she caught cold by being overheated with dancing. - I
have consulted Dr. Gregory, an eminent physician of an amiable character, who
advises the highland air, and the use of goat-milk whey, which, surely, cannot
have a bad effect upon a patient who was born and bred among the mountains of
Wales. - The doctor's opinion is the more agreeable, as we shall find those
remedies in the very place which I proposed as the utmost extent of our
expedition - I mean the borders of Argyle.
    Mr. Smollett, one of the judges of the commissary court, which is now
sitting, has very kindly insisted upon our lodging at his country-house, on the
banks of Lough-Lomond, about fourteen miles beyond Glasgow. For this last city
we shall set out in two days, and take Stirling in our way, well provided with
recommendations from our friends at Edinburgh, whom, I protest, I shall leave
with much regret. I am so far from thinking it any hardship to live in this
country, that, if I was obliged to lead a town life, Edinburgh would certainly
be the headquarters of
Yours always,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Edr. August 8.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Knight,
    I am now little short of the Ultima Thule, if this appellation properly
belongs to the Orkneys or Hebrides. These last are now lying before me, to the
amount of some hundreds, scattered up and down the Deucalidonian sea, affording
the most picturesque and romantic prospect I ever beheld - I write this letter
in a gentleman's house, near the town of Inverary, which may be deemed the
capital of the West Highlands, famous for nothing so much as for the stately
castle begun, and actually covered in by the late duke of Argyle, at a
prodigious expense - Whether it will ever be completely finished is a question -
    But, to take things in order. - We left Edinburgh ten days ago; and the
further north we proceed, we find Mrs. Tabitha the less manageable; so that her
inclinations are not of the nature of the loadstone; they point not towards the
pole. What made her leave Edinburgh with reluctance at last, if we may believe
her own assertions, was a dispute which she left unfinished with Mr. Moffat,
touching the eternity of hell torments. That gentleman, as he advanced in years,
began to be sceptical on this head, till, at length, he declared open war
against the common acceptation of the word eternal. He is now persuaded, that
eternal signifies no more than an indefinite number of years; and that the most
enormous sinner may be quit for nine millions, nine hundred thousand, nine
hundred and ninety-nine years of hell-fire; which term or period, as he very
well observes, forms but an inconsiderable drop, as it were, in the ocean of
eternity - For this mitigation he contends, as a system agreeable to the ideas
of goodness and mercy, which we annex to the supreme Being - Our aunt seemed
willing to adopt this doctrine in favour of the wicked; but he hinted, that no
person whatever was so righteous as to be exempted entirely from punishment in a
future state; and that the most pious Christian upon earth might think himself
very happy to get off for a fast of seven or eight thousand years in the midst
of fire and brimstone. Mrs. Tabitha revolted at this dogma, which filled her at
once with horror and indignation - She had recourse to the opinion of Humphry
Clinker, who roundly declared it was the popish doctrine of purgatory, and
quoted scripture in defence of the fire everlasting, prepared for the devil and
his angels - The reverend mester Mackcorkendale, and all the theologists and
saints of that persuasion were consulted, and some of them had doubts about the
matter; which doubts and scruples had begun to infect our aunt, when we took our
departure from Edinburgh.
    We passed through Linlithgow, where there was an elegant royal palace, which
is now gone to decay, as well as the town itself - This too is pretty much the
case with Stirling, though it still boasts of a fine old castle, in which the
kings of Scotland were wont to reside in their minority - But Glasgow is the
pride of Scotland, and, indeed, it might very well pass for an elegant and
flourishing city in any part of Christendom. There we had the good fortune to be
received into the house of Mr. Moore, an eminent surgeon, to whom we were
recommended by one of our friends at Edinburgh; and, truly, he could not have
done us more essential service - Mr. Moore is a merry facetious companion,
sensible and shrewd, with a considerable fund of humour; and his wife an
agreeable woman, well bred, kind, and obliging - Kindness, which I take to be
the essence of good-nature and humanity, is the distinguishing characteristic of
the Scotch ladies in their own country - Our landlord showed us every thing, and
introduced us to all the world at Glasgow; where, through his recommendation, we
were complimented with the freedom of the town. Considering the trade and
opulence of this place, it cannot but abound with gaiety and diversions - Here
is a great number of young fellows that rival the youth of the capital in spirit
and expense; and I was soon convinced, that all the female beauties of Scotland
were not assembled at the hunters ball in Edinburgh - The town of Glasgow
flourishes in learning, as well as in commerce - Here is an university, with
professors in all the different branches of science, liberally endowed, and
judiciously chosen - It was vacation time when I passed, so that I could not
entirely satisfy my curiosity; but their mode of education is certainly
preferable to ours in some respects - The students are not left to the private
instruction of tutors; but taught in public schools or classes, each science by
its particular professor or regent.
    My uncle is in raptures with Glasgow - He not only visited all the
manufactures of the place, but made excursions all round, to Hamilton, Paisley,
Renfrew, and every other place within a dozen miles, where there was any thing
remarkable to be seen in art or nature. I believe the exercise occasioned by
these jaunts was of service to my sister Liddy, whose appetite and spirits begin
to revive - Mrs. Tabitha displayed her attractions as usual, and actually
believed she had entangled one Mr. Maclellan, a rich inkle-manufacturer, in her
snares; but when matters came to an explanation, it appeared that his attachment
was altogether spiritual, founded upon an intercourse of devotion, at the
meeting of Mr. John Wesley; who, in the course of his evangelical mission, had
come hither in person - At length, we set out for the banks of Lough-Lomond,
passing through the little borough of Dumbarton, or (as my uncle will have it)
Dunbritton, where there is a castle, more curious than any thing of the kind I
had ever seen - It is honoured with a particular description by the elegant
Buchannan, as an arx inexpugnabilis, and, indeed, it must have been impregnable
by the ancient manner of besieging. It is a rock of considerable extent, rising
with a double top, in an angle formed by the confluence of two rivers, the Clyde
and the Leven; perpendicular and inaccessible on all sides, except in one place
where the entrance is fortified; and there is no rising-ground in the
neighbourhood from whence it could be damaged by any kind of battery.
    From Dumbarton, the West Highlands appear in the form of huge, dusky
mountains, piled one over another; but this prospect is not at all surprising to
a native of Glamorgan - We have fixed our head-quarters at Cameron, a very neat
country-house belonging to commissary Smollett, where we found every sort of
accommodation we could desire - It is situated like a Druid's temple, in a grove
of oak, close by the side of Lough-Lomond, which is a surprising body of pure
transparent water, unfathomably deep in many places, six or seven miles broad,
four and twenty miles in length, displaying above twenty green islands, covered
with wood; some of them cultivated for corn, and many of them stocked with red
deer - They belong to different gentlemen, whose seats are scattered along the
banks of the lake, which are agreeably romantic beyond all conception. My uncle
and I have left the women at Cameron, as Mrs. Tabitha would by no means trust
herself again upon the water, and to come hither it was necessary to cross a
small inlet of the sea, in an open ferry boat - This country appears more and
more wild and savage the further we advance; and the people are as different
from the Lowland-Scots, in their looks, garb, and language, as the mountaineers
of Brecknock are from the inhabitants of Herefordshire.
    When the Lowlanders want to drink a chearupping-cup, they go to the public
house, called the Changehouse, and call for a chopine of two-penny, which is a
thin, yeasty beverage, made of malt; not quite so strong as the table-beer of
England - This is brought in a pewter stoop, shaped like a skittle, from whence
it is emptied into a quaff; that is a curious cup made of different pieces of
wood, such as box and ebony, cut into little staves, joined alternately, and
secured with delicate hoops, having two ears or handles - It holds about a gill,
is sometimes tipt round the mouth with silver, and has a plate of the same metal
at bottom, with the landlord's cypher engraved - The Highlanders, on the
contrary, despise this liquor, and regale themselves with whisky; a malt spirit,
as strong as geneva, which they swallow in great quantities, without any signs
of inebriation. They are used to it from the cradle, and find it an excellent
preservative against the winter cold, which must be extreme on these mountains -
I am told that it is given with great success to infants, as a cordial in the
confluent small-pox, when the eruption seems to flag, and the symptoms grow
unfavourable - The Highlanders are used to eat much more animal food than falls
to the share of their neighbours in the Low-country - They delight in hunting;
have plenty of deer and other game, with a great number of sheep, goats, and
black-cattle running wild, which they scruple not to kill as venison, without
being at much pains to ascertain the property.
    Inverary is but a poor town, though it stands immediately under the
protection of the duke of Argyle, who is a mighty prince in this part of
Scotland. The peasants live in wretched cabins, and seem very poor; but the
gentlemen are tolerably well lodged, and so loving to strangers, that a man runs
some risk of his life from their hospitality - It must be observed that the
poor Highlanders are now seen to disadvantage - They have been not only disarmed
by act of parliament; but also deprived of their ancient garb, which was both
graceful and convenient; and what is a greater hardship still, they are
compelled to wear breeches; a restraint which they cannot bear with any degree
of patience: indeed, the majority wear them, not in the proper place, but on
poles or long staves over their shoulders - They are even debarred the use of
their striped stuff, called Tartane, which was their own manufacture, prized by
them above all the velvets, brocards, and tissues of Europe and Asia. They now
lounge along in loose great coats, of coarse russet, equally mean and
cumbersome, and betray manifest marks of dejection - Certain it is, the
government could not have taken a more effectual method to break their national
spirit.
    We have had princely sport in hunting the stag on these mountains - These
are the lonely hills of Morven, where Fingal and his heroes enjoyed the same
pastime: I feel an enthusiastic pleasure when I survey the brown heath that
Ossian wont to tread; and hear the wind whistle through the bending grass - When
I enter our landlord's hall, I look for the suspended harp of that divine bard,
and listen in hopes of hearing the aerial sound of his respected spirit - The
Poems of Ossian are in every mouth - A famous antiquarian of this country, the
laird of Mackfarlane, at whose house we dined a few days ago, can repeat them
all in the original Gaelick, which has a great affinity to the Welch, not only
in the general sound, but also in a great number of radical words; and I make no
doubt but that they are both sprung from the same origin. I was not a little
surprised, when asking a Highlander one day, if he knew where we should find any
game? he replied, »hu niel Sassenagh,« which signifies no English: the very same
answer I should have received from a Welchman, and almost in the same words. The
Highlanders have no other name for the people of the Low-country, but Sassenagh,
or Saxons; a strong presumption, that the Lowland Scots and the English are
derived from the same stock - The peasants of these hills strongly resemble
those of Wales in their looks, their manners, and habitations; every thing I
see, and hear, and feel, seems Welch - The mountains, vales, and streams; the
air and climate; the beef, mutton, and game, are all Welch - It must be owned,
however, that this people are better provided than we in some articles - They
have plenty of red deer and roebuck, which are fat and delicious at this season
of the year - Their sea teems with amazing quantities of the finest fish in the
world; and they find means to procure very good claret at a very small expense.
    Our landlord is a man of consequence in this part of the country; a cadet
from the family of Argyle, and hereditary captain of one of his castles - His
name, in plain English, is Dougal Campbell; but as there is a great number of
the same appellation, they are distinguished (like the Welch) by patronimics;
and as I have known an ancient Briton called Madoc-ap-Morgan, ap-Jenkin,
ap-Jones, our Highland chief designs himself Dou'l Mac-amish mac-'oul ich-ian,
signifying Dougal, the son of James, the son of Dougal, the son of John - He has
travelled in the course of his education, and is disposed to make certain
alterations in his domestic economy; but he finds it impossible to abolish the
ancient customs of the family; some of which are ludicrous enough - His piper,
for example, who is an hereditary officer of the household, will not part with
the least particle of his privileges - He has a right to wear the kilt, or
ancient Highland dress, with the purse, pistol, and durk - a broad yellow
ribbon, fixed to the chanter-pipe, is thrown over his shoulder, and trails along
the ground, while he performs the function of his minstrelsy; and this, I
suppose, is analogous to the pennon or flag which was formerly carried before
every knight in battle - He plays before the laird every Sunday in his way to
the kirk, which he circles three times, performing the family march, which
implies defiance to all the enemies of the clan; and every morning he plays a
full hour by the clock, in the great hall, marching backwards and forwards all
the time, with a solemn pace, attended by the laird's kinsmen, who seem much
delighted with the music - In this exercise, he indulges them with a variety of
pibrachs or airs, suited to the different passions, which he would either excite
or assuage.
    Mr. Campbell himself, who performs very well on the violin, has an
invincible antipathy to the sound of the Highland bag-pipe, which sings in the
nose with a most alarming twang, and, indeed, is quite intolerable to ears of
common sensibility, when aggravated by the echo of a vaulted hall - He therefore
begged the piper would have some mercy upon him, and dispense with this part of
the morning service - A consultation of the clan being held on this occasion, it
was unanimously agreed, that the laird's request could not be granted without a
dangerous encroachment upon the customs of the family - The piper declared, he
could not give up for a moment the privilege he derived from his ancestors; nor
would the laird's relations forego an entertainment which they valued above all
others - There was no remedy; Mr. Campbell, being obliged to acquiesce, is fain
to stop his ears with cotton; to fortify his head with three or four night-caps,
and every morning retire into the penetralia of his habitation, in order to
avoid this diurnal annoyance. When the music ceases, he produces himself at an
open window that looks into the court-yard, which is by this time filled with a
crowd of his vassals and dependants, who worship his first appearance, by
uncovering their heads, and bowing to the earth with the most humble
prostration. As all these people have something to communicate in the way of
proposal, complaint, or petition, they wait patiently till the laird comes
forth, and, following him in his walks, are favoured each with a short audience
in his turn. Two days ago, he dispatched above an hundred different sollicitors,
in walking with us to the house of a neighbouring gentleman, where we dined by
invitation. Our landlord's housekeeping is equally rough and hospitable, and
savours much of the simplicity of ancient times: the great hall, paved with flat
stones, is about forty-five feet by twenty-two, and serves not only for a
dining-room, but also for a bed-chamber to gentlemen-dependants and hangers-on
of the family. At night, half a dozen occasional beds are ranged on each side
along the wall. These are made of fresh heath, pulled up by the roots, and
disposed in such a manner as to make a very agreeable couch, where they lie,
without any other covering than the plaid - My uncle and I were indulged with
separate chambers and down beds, which we begged to exchange for a layer of
heath; and indeed I never slept so much to my satisfaction. It was not only soft
and elastic, but the plant, being in flower, diffused an agreeable fragrance,
which is wonderfully refreshing and restorative.
    Yesterday we were invited to the funeral of an old lady, the grand-mother of
a gentleman in this neighbourhood, and found ourselves in the midst of fifty
people, who were regaled with a sumptuous feast, accompanied by the music of a
dozen pipers. In short, this meeting had all the air of a grand festival; and
the guests did such honour to the entertainment, that many of them could not
stand when we were reminded of the business on which we had met. The company
forthwith taking horse, rode in a very irregular cavalcade to the place of
interment, a church, at the distance of two long miles from the castle. On our
arrival, however, we found we had committed a small oversight, in leaving the
corpse behind; so that we were obliged to wheel about, and met the old
gentlewoman half way, carried upon poles by the nearest relations of her family,
and attended by the coronach, composed of a multitude of old hags, who tore
their hair, beat their breasts, and howled most hideously. At the grave, the
orator, or senachie, pronounced the panegyric of the defunct, every period being
confirmed by a yell of the coronach. The body was committed to the earth, the
pipers playing a pibroch all the time; and all the company standing uncovered.
The ceremony was closed with the discharge of pistols; then we returned to the
castle, resumed the bottle, and by midnight there was not a sober person in the
family, the females excepted. The 'squire and I were, with some difficulty,
permitted to retire with our landlord in the evening; but our entertainer was a
little chagrined at our retreat; and afterwards seemed to think it a
disparagement to his family, that not above a hundred gallons of whisky had been
drank upon such a solemn occasion. This morning we got up by four, to hunt the
roebuck, and, in an half an hour, found breakfast ready served in the hall. The
hunters consisted of Sir George Colquhoun and me, as strangers, (my uncle not
choosing to be of the party) of the laird in person, the laird's brother, the
laird's brother's son, the laird's sister's son, the laird's father's brother's
son, and all their foster brothers, who are counted parcel of the family: but we
were attended by an infinite number of Gaellys, or ragged Highlanders, without
shoes or stockings.
    The following articles formed our morning's repast: one kit of boiled eggs;
a second, full of butter; a third, full of cream; an entire cheese, made of
goat's milk; a large earthen pot full of honey; the best part of a ham; a cold
venison pasty; a bushel of oatmeal, made in thin cakes and bannocks, with a
small wheaten loaf in the middle for the strangers; a large stone bottle full of
whisky, another of brandy, and a kilderkin of ale. There was a laddle chained to
the cream kit, with curious wooden bickers to be filled from this reservoir. The
spirits were drank out of a silver quaff, and the ale out of horns: great
justice was done to the collation by the guests in general; one of them in
particular ate above two dozen of hard eggs, with a proportionable quantity of
bread, butter, and honey; nor was one drop of liquor left upon the board.
Finally, a large roll of tobacco was presented by way of desert, and every
individual took a comfortable quid, to prevent the bad effects of the morning
air. We had a fine chase over the mountains, after a roebuck, which we killed,
and I got home time enough to drink tea with Mrs. Campbell and our 'squire.
To-morrow we shall set out on our return for Cameron. We propose to cross the
Frith of Clyde, and take the towns of Greenock and Port-Glasgow in our way. This
circuit being finished, we shall turn our faces to the south, and follow the sun
with augmented velocity, in order to enjoy the rest of the autumn in England,
where Boreas is not quite so biting as he begins already to be on the tops of
these northern hills. But our progress from place to place shall continue to be
specified in these detached journals of
Yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Argyleshire, Septr. 3.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Dick,
    About a fortnight is now elapsed, since we left the capital of Scotland,
directing our course towards Stirling, where we lay - The castle of this place
is such another as that of Edinburgh, and affords a surprising prospect of the
windings of the river Forth, which are so extraordinary, that the distance from
hence to Alloa by land, is but four miles, and by water it is twenty-four. Alloa
is a neat thriving town, that depends in a great measure on the commerce of
Glasgow, the merchants of which send hither tobacco and other articles, to be
deposited in warehouses for exportation from the Frith of Forth. In our way
hither we visited a flourishing ironwork, where, instead of burning wood, they
use coal, which they have the art of clearing in such a manner as frees it from
the sulphur, that would otherwise render the metal too brittle for working.
Excellent coal is found in almost every part of Scotland.
    The soil of this district produces scarce any other grain but oats and
barley; perhaps because it is poorly cultivated, and almost altogether
uninclosed. The few inclosures they have consist of paltry walls of loose
stones gathered from the fields, which indeed they cover, as if they had been
scattered on purpose. When I expressed my surprise that the peasants did not
disencumber their grounds of these stones; a gentleman, well acquainted with the
theory as well as practice of farming, assured me that the stones, far from
being prejudicial, were serviceable to the crop. This philosopher had ordered a
field of his own to be cleared, manured and sown with barley, and the produce
was more scanty than before. He caused the stones to be replaced, and next year
the crop was as good as ever. The stones were removed a second time, and the
harvest failed; they were again brought back, and the ground retrieved its
fertility. The same experiment has been tried in different parts of Scotland
with the same success - Astonished at this information, I desired to know in
what manner he accounted for this strange phenomenon; and he said there were
three ways in which the stones might be serviceable. They might possibly
restrain an excess in the perspiration of the earth, analogous to colliquative
sweats, by which the human body is sometimes wasted and consumed. They might act
as so many fences to protect the tender blade from the piercing winds of the
spring; or, by multiplying the reflection of the sun, they might increase the
warmth, so as to mitigate the natural chilness of the soil and climate - But,
surely this excessive perspiration might be more effectually checked by
different kinds of manure, such as ashes, lime, chalk, or marl, of which last it
seems there are many pits in this kingdom: as for the warmth, it would be much
more equally obtained by inclosures; one half of the ground which is now
covered, would be retrieved; the cultivation would require less labour; and the
ploughs, harrows, and horses, would not suffer half the damage which they now
sustain.
    These north-western parts are by no means fertile in corn. The ground is
naturally barren and moorish. The peasants are poorly lodged, meagre in their
looks, mean in their apparel, and remarkably dirty. This last reproach they
might easily wash off, by means of those lakes, rivers, and rivulets of pure
water, with which they are so liberally supplied by nature. Agriculture cannot
be expected to flourish where the farms are small, the leases short, and the
husbandman begins upon a rack rent, without a sufficient stock to answer the
purposes of improvement. The granaries of Scotland are the banks of the Tweed,
the counties of East and Mid-Lothian, the Carse of Gowrie, in Perthshire, equal
in fertility to any part of England, and some tracts in Aberdeenshire and
Murray, where I am told the harvest is more early than in Northumberland,
although they lie above two degrees farther north. I have a strong curiosity to
visit many places beyond the Forth and the Tay, such as Perth, Dundee, Montrose,
and Aberdeen, which are towns equally elegant and thriving; but the season is
too far advanced, to admit of this addition to my original plan.
    I am so far happy as to have seen Glasgow, which, to the best of my
recollection and judgment, is one of the prettiest towns in Europe; and, without
all doubt, it is one of the most flourishing in Great Britain. In short, it is a
perfect bee-hive in point of industry. It stands partly on a gentle declivity;
but the greatest part of it is in a plain, watered by the river Clyde. The
streets are straight, open, airy, and well paved; and the houses lofty and well
built of hewn stone. At the upper end of the town, there is a venerable
cathedral, that may be compared with York-minster or Westminster; and, about the
middle of the descent from this to the Cross, is the college, a respectable pile
of building, with all manner of accommodation for the professors and students,
including an elegant library, and an observatory well provided with astronomical
instruments. The number of inhabitants is said to amount to thirty thousand; and
marks of opulence and independency appear in every quarter of this commercial
city, which, however, is not without its inconveniences and defects. The water
of their public pumps is generally hard and brackish, an imperfection the less
excusable, as the river Clyde runs by their doors, in the lower part of the
town; and there are rivulets and springs above the cathedral, sufficient to fill
a large reservoir with excellent water, which might be thence distributed to all
the different parts of the city. It is of more consequence to consult the health
of the inhabitants in this article, than to employ so much attention in
beautifying their town with new streets, squares, and churches. Another defect,
not so easily remedied, is the shallowness of the river, which will not float
vessels of any burden within ten or twelve miles of the city; so that the
merchants are obliged to load and unload their ships at Greenock and
Port-Glasgow, situated about fourteen miles nearer the mouth of the Frith, where
it is about two miles broad.
    The people of Glasgow have a noble spirit of enterprise - Mr. Moore, a
surgeon, to whom I was recommended from Edinburgh, introduced me to all the
principal merchants of the place. Here I became acquainted with Mr. Cochran, who
may be styled one of the sages of this kingdom. He was first magistrate at the
time of the last rebellion. I sat as member when he was examined in the house of
commons; upon which occasion Mr. P-- observed he had never heard such a sensible
evidence given at that bar - I was also introduced to Dr. John Gordon, a patriot
of a truly Roman spirit, who is the father of the linen manufacture in this
place, and was the great promoter of the city workhouse, infirmary, and other
works of public utility. Had he lived in ancient Rome, he would have been
honoured with a statue at the public expense. I moreover conversed with one Mr.
G-ssf-d, whom I take to be one of the greatest merchants in Europe. In the last
war, he is said to have had at one time five and twenty ships, with their
cargoes, his own property, and to have traded for above half a million sterling
a year. The last war was a fortunate period for the commerce of Glasgow - The
merchants, considering that their ships bound for America, launching out at once
into the Atlantic by the north of Ireland, pursued a track very little
frequented by privateers, resolved to insure one another, and saved a very
considerable sum by this resolution, as few or none of their ships were taken -
You must know I have a sort of national attachment to this part of Scotland -
The great church dedicated to St. Mongah, the river Clyde, and other particulars
that smack of our Welch language and customs, contribute to flatter me with the
notion, that these people are the descendants of the Britons, who once possessed
this country. Without all question, this was a Cumbrian kingdom: its capital was
Dumbarton (a corruption of Dumbritton) which still exists as a royal borough, at
the influx of the Clyde and Leven, ten miles below Glasgow. The same
neighbourhood gave birth to St. Patrick, the apostle of Ireland, at a place
where there is still a church and village, which retain his name. Hard by are
some vestiges of the famous Roman wall, built in the reign of Antonine, from the
Clyde to the Forth, and fortified with castles, to restrain the incursions of
the Scots or Caledonians, who inhabited the West-Highlands. In a line parallel
to this wall, the merchants of Glasgow have determined to make a navigable canal
betwixt the two Friths, which will be of incredible advantage to their commerce,
in transporting merchandize from one side of the island to the other.
    From Glasgow we travelled along the Clyde, which is a delightful stream,
adorned on both sides with villas, towns, and villages. Here is no want of
groves, and meadows, and corn-fields interspersed; but on this side of Glasgow,
there is little other grain than oats and barley; the first are much better, the
last much worse, than those of the same species in England. I wonder, there is
so little rye, which is a grain that will thrive in almost any soil; and it is
still more surprising, that the cultivation of potatoes should be so much
neglected in the Highlands, where the poor people have not meal enough to supply
them with bread through the winter. On the other side of the river are the towns
of Paisley and Renfrew. The first, from an inconsiderable village, is become one
of the most flourishing places of the kingdom, enriched by the linen, cambrick,
flowered lawn, and silk manufactures. It was formerly noted for a rich monastery
of the monks of Clugny, who wrote the famous Scoti-Chronicon, called The Black
Book of Paisley. The old abbey still remains, converted into a dwelling-house
belonging to the earl of Dundonald. Renfrew is a pretty town, on the banks of
Clyde, capital of the shire, which was heretofore the patrimony of the Stuart
family, and gave the title of baron to the king's eldest son, which is still
assumed by the prince of Wales.
    The Clyde we left a little on our left-hand at Dunbritton, where it widens
into an æstuary or frith, being augmented by the influx of the Leven. On this
spot stands the castle formerly called Alcluyd, washed by these two rivers on
all sides, except a narrow isthmus, which at every spring-tide is overflowed.
The whole is a great curiosity, from the quality and form of the rock, as well
as from the nature of its situation - We now crossed the water of Leven, which,
though nothing near so considerable as the Clyde, is much more transparent,
pastoral, and delightful. This charming stream is the outlet of Lough-Lomond,
and through a tract of four miles pursues its winding course, murmuring over a
bed of pebbles, till it joins the Frith at Dunbritton. A very little above its
source, on the lake, stands the house of Cameron, belonging to Mr. Smollett, so
embosomed in an oak wood, that we did not see it till we were within fifty yards
of the door. I have seen the Lago di Garda, Albano, De Vico, Bolsena, and
Geneva, and, upon my honour, I prefer Lough-Lomond to them all; a preference
which is certainly owing to the verdant islands that seem to float upon its
surface, affording the most enchanting objects of repose to the excursive view.
Nor are the banks destitute of beauties, which even partake of the sublime. On
this side they display a sweet variety of woodland, corn-field, and pasture,
with several agreeable villas emerging as it were out of the lake, till, at some
distance, the prospect terminates in huge mountains covered with heath, which
being in the bloom, affords a very rich covering of purple. Every thing here is
romantic beyond imagination. This country is justly styled the Arcadia of
Scotland; and I don't doubt but it may vie with Arcadia in every thing but
climate. - I am sure it excels it in verdure, wood, and water. - What say you to
a natural basin of pure water, near thirty miles long, and in some places seven
miles broad, and in many above a hundred fathom deep, having four and twenty
habitable islands, some of them stocked with deer, and all of them covered with
wood; containing immense quantities of delicious fish, salmon, pike, trout,
perch, flounders, eels, and powans, the last a delicate kind of fresh-water
herring peculiar to this lake; and finally communicating with the sea, by
sending off the Leven, through which all those species (except the powan) make
their exit and entrance occasionally?
    Inclosed I send you the copy of a little ode to this river, by Dr. Smollett,
who was born on the banks of it, within two miles of the place where I am now
writing. - It is at least picturesque and accurately descriptive, if it has no
other merit. - There is an idea of truth in an agreeable landscape taken from
nature, which pleases me more than the gayest fiction which the most luxuriant
fancy can display.
    I have other remarks to make; but as my paper is full, I must reserve them
till the next occasion. I shall only observe at present, that I am determined to
penetrate at least forty miles into the Highlands, which now appear like a vast
fantastic vision in the clouds, inviting the approach of,
Yours always,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Cameron, Aug. 28.
 



                               Ode to Leven-Water

 
On Leven's banks, while free to rove,
And tune the rural pipe to love;
I envied not the happiest swain
That ever trod th' Arcadian plain.
 
Pure stream! in whose transparent wave
My youthful limbs I wont to lave;
No torrents stain thy limpid source;
No rocks impede thy dimpling course,
 
That sweetly warbles o'er its bed,
With white, round, polish'd pebbles spread;
While, lightly pois'd, the scaly brood
In myriads cleave thy crystal flood;
The springing trout in speckled pride;
The salmon, monarch of the tide;
The ruthless pike, intent on war;
The silver eel, and motled par.2
Devolving from thy parent lake,
A charming maze thy waters make,
By bow'rs of birch, and groves of pine,
And edges flow'r'd with eglantine.
 
Still on thy banks so gaily green,
May num'rous herds and flocks be seen,
And lasses chanting o'er the pail,
And shepherd's piping in the dale,
And ancient faith that knows no guile,
And industry imbrown'd with toil,
And hearts resolve'd, and hands prepare'd,
The blessings they enjoy to guard.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Doctor,
    If I was disposed to be critical, I should say this house of Cameron is too
near the lake, which approaches, on one side, to within six or seven yards of
the window. It might have been placed in a higher site, which would have
afforded a more extensive prospect and a drier atmosphere; but this imperfection
is not chargeable on the present proprietor, who purchased it ready built,
rather than be at the trouble of repairing his own family-house of Bonhill,
which stands two miles from hence on the Leven, so surrounded with plantation,
that it used to be known by the name of the Mavis (or thrush) Nest. Above that
house is a romantic glen or clift of a mountain, covered with hanging woods,
having at bottom a stream of fine water that forms a number of cascades in its
descent to join the Leven; so that the scene is quite enchanting. A captain of a
man of war, who had made the circuit of the globe with Mr. Anson, being
conducted to this glen, exclaimed, »Juan Fernandez, by God!«
    Indeed, this country would be a perfect paradise, if it was not, like Wales,
cursed with a weeping climate, owing to the same causes in both, the
neighbourhood of high mountains, and a westerly situation, exposed to the
vapours of the Atlantic ocean. This air, however, notwithstanding its humidity,
is so healthy, that the natives are scarce ever visited by any other disease
than the small-pox, and certain cutaneous evils, which are the effects of dirty
living, the great and general reproach of the commonalty of this kingdom. Here
are a great many living monuments of longævity; and among the rest a person,
whom I treat with singular respect, as a venerable druid, who has lived near
ninety years, without pain or sickness, among oaks of his own planting. - He was
once proprietor of these lands; but being of a projecting spirit, some of his
schemes miscarried, and he was obliged to part with his possession, which hath
shifted hands two or three times since that period; but every succeeding
proprietor hath done every thing in his power, to make his old age easy and
comfortable. He has a sufficiency to procure the necessaries of life; and he and
his old woman reside in a small convenient farm-house, having a little garden
which he cultivates with his own hands. This ancient couple live in great
health, peace, and harmony, and knowing no wants, enjoy the perfection of
content. Mr. Smollett calls him the admiral, because he insists upon steering
his pleasure-boat upon the lake; and he spends most of his time in ranging
through the woods, which he declares he enjoys as much as if they were still his
own property - I asked him the other day, if he was never sick, and he answered,
Yes; he had a slight fever the year before the union. If he was not deaf, I
should take much pleasure in his conversation; for he is very intelligent, and
his memory is surprisingly retentive - These are the happy effects of
temperance, exercise, and good nature - Notwithstanding all his innocence,
however, he was the cause of great perturbation to my man Clinker, whose natural
superstition has been much injured, by the histories of witches, fairies,
ghosts, and goblins, which he has heard in this country - On the evening after
our arrival, Humphry strolled into the wood, in the course of his meditation,
and all at once the admiral stood before him, under the shadow of a spreading
oak. Though the fellow is far from being timorous in cases that are not supposed
preternatural, he could not stand the sight of this apparition, but ran into the
kitchen, with his hair standing on end, staring wildly, and deprived of
utterance. Mrs. Jenkins, seeing him in this condition, screamed aloud, »Lord
have mercy upon us, he has seen something!« Mrs. Tabitha was alarmed, and the
whole house in confusion. When he was recruited with a dram, I desired him to
explain the meaning of all this agitation; and, with some reluctance, he owned
he had seen a spirit, in the shape of an old man with a white beard, a black
cap, and a plaid night gown. He was undeceived by the admiral in person, who,
coming in at this juncture, appeared to be a creature of real flesh and blood.
    Do you know how we fare in this Scottish paradise? We make free with our
landlord's mutton, which is excellent, his poultry-yard, his garden, his dairy,
and his cellar, which are all well stored. We have delicious salmon, pike,
trout, perch, par, etc. at the door, for the taking. The Frith of Clyde, on the
other side of the hill, supplies us with mullet, red and grey, cod, mackarel,
whiting, and a variety of sea-fish, including the finest fresh herrings I ever
tasted. We have sweet, juicy beef, and tolerable veal, with delicate bread from
the little town of Dunbritton; and plenty of partridge, growse, heath-cock, and
other game in presents.
    We have been visited by all the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, and they
have entertained us at their houses, not barely with hospitality, but with such
marks of cordial affection, as one would wish to find among near relations,
after an absence of many years.
    I told you, in my last, I had projected an excursion to the Highlands, which
project I have now happily executed, under the auspices of Sir George Colquhoun,
a colonel in the Dutch service, who offered himself as our conductor on this
occasion. Leaving our women at Cameron, to the care and inspection of Lady H--
C--, we set out on horseback for Inverary, the county town of Argyle, and dined
on the road with the Laird of Macfarlane, the greatest genealogist I ever knew
in any country, and perfectly acquainted with all the antiquities of Scotland.
    The Duke of Argyle has an old castle at Inverary, where he resides when he
is in Scotland; and hard by is the shell of a noble Gothic palace, built by the
last duke, which, when finished, will be a great ornament to this part of the
Highlands. As for Inverary, it is a place of very little importance.
    This country is amazingly wild, especially towards the mountains, which are
heaped upon the backs of one another, making a most stupendous appearance of
savage nature, with hardly any signs of cultivation, or even of population. All
is sublimity, silence, and solitude. The people live together in glens or
bottoms, where they are sheltered from the cold and storms of winter: but there
is a margin of plain ground spread along the sea side, which is well inhabited
and improved by the arts of husbandry; and this I take to be one of the most
agreeable tracts of the whole island; the sea not only keeps it warm, and
supplies it with fish, but affords one of the most ravishing prospects in the
whole world; I mean the appearance of the Hebrides, or Western Islands, to the
number of three hundred, scattered as far as the eye can reach, in the most
agreeable confusion. As the soil and climate of the Highlands are but ill
adapted to the cultivation of corn, the people apply themselves chiefly to the
breeding and feeding of black cattle, which turn to good account. Those animals
run wild all the winter, without any shelter or subsistence, but what they can
find among the heath. When the snow lies so deep and hard, that they cannot
penetrate to the roots of the grass, they make a diurnal progress, guided by a
sure instinct, to the sea-side at low water, where they feed on the alga marina,
and other plants that grow upon the beach.
    Perhaps this branch of husbandry, which requires very little attendance and
labour, is one of the principal causes of that idleness and want of industry,
which distinguishes these mountaineers in their own country - When they come
forth into the world, they become as diligent and alert as any people upon
earth. They are undoubtedly a very distinct species from their fellow-subjects
of the Lowlands, against whom they indulge an ancient spirit of animosity; and
this difference is very discernible even among persons of family and education.
The Lowlanders are generally cool and circumspect, the Highlanders fiery and
ferocious: but this violence of their passions serves only to inflame the zeal
of their devotion to strangers, which is truly enthusiastic.
    We proceeded about twenty miles beyond Inverary, to the house of a
gentleman, a friend of our conductor, where we stayed a few days, and were
feasted in such a manner, that I began to dread the consequence to my
constitution.
    Notwithstanding the solitude that prevails among these mountains, there is
no want of people in the Highlands. I am credibly informed that the duke of
Argyle can assemble five thousand men in arms, of his own clan and surname,
which is Campbell; and there is besides a tribe of the same appellation, whose
chief is the Earl of Breadalbine. The Macdonalds are as numerous, and remarkably
warlike: the Camerons, M'Leods, Frasers, Grants, M'Kenzies, M'Kays, M'Phersons,
M'Intoshes, are powerful clans; so that if all the Highlanders, including the
inhabitants of the Isles, were united, they could bring into the field an army
of forty thousand fighting men, capable of undertaking the most dangerous
enterprise. We have lived to see four thousand of them, without discipline,
throw the whole kingdom of Great Britain into confusion. They attacked and
defeated two armies of regular troops, accustomed to service. They penetrated
into the centre of England; and afterwards marched back with deliberation, in
the face of two other armies, through an enemy's country, where every precaution
was taken to cut off their retreat. I know not any other people in Europe, who,
without the use or knowledge of arms, will attack regular forces sword in hand,
if their chief will head them in battle. When disciplined, they cannot fail of
being excellent soldiers. They do not walk like the generality of mankind, but
trot and bounce like deer, as if they moved upon springs. They greatly excel the
Lowlanders in all the exercises that require agility; they are incredibly
abstemious, and patient of hunger and fatigue: so steeled against the weather,
that in travelling, even when the ground is covered with snow, they never look
for a house, or any other shelter but their plaid, in which they wrap themselves
up, and go to sleep under the cope of heaven. Such people, in quality of
soldiers, must be invincible, when the business is to perform quick marches in a
difficult country, to strike sudden strokes, beat up the enemy's quarters,
harrass their cavalry, and perform expeditions without the formality of
magazines, baggage, forage, and artillery. The chieftainship of the Highlanders
is a very dangerous influence operating at the extremity of the island, where
the eyes and hands of government cannot be supposed to see and act with
precision and vigour. In order to break the force of clanship, administration
has always practised the political maxim, Divide et impera. The legislature hath
not only disarmed these mountaineers, but also deprived them of their ancient
garb, which contributed in a great measure to keep up their military spirit; and
their slavish tenures are all dissolved by act of parliament; so that they are
at present as free and independent of their chiefs, as the law can make them:
but the original attachment still remains, and is founded on something prior to
the feudal system, about which the writers of this age have made such a pother,
as if it was a new discovery, like the Copernican system. Every peculiarity of
policy, custom, and even temperament, is affectedly traced to this origin, as if
the feudal constitution had not been common to almost all the natives of Europe.
For my part, I expect to see the use of trunk-hose and buttered ale ascribed to
the influence of the feudal system. The connection between the clans and their
chiefs is, without all doubt, patriarchal. It is founded on hereditary regard
and affection, cherished through a long succession of ages. The clan consider
the chief as their father, they bear his name, they believe themselves descended
from his family, and they obey him as their lord, with all the ardour of filial
love and veneration; while he, on his part, exerts a paternal authority,
commanding, chastising, rewarding, protecting, and maintaining them as his own
children. If the legislature would entirely destroy this connection, it must
compel the Highlanders to change their habitation and their names. Even this
experiment has been formerly tried without success - In the reign of James VI. a
battle was fought within a few short miles of this place, between two clans, the
M'Gregors and the Colquhouns, in which the latter were defeated: the Laird of
M'Gregor made such a barbarous use of his victory, that he was forfeited and
outlawed by act of parliament: his lands were given to the family of Montrose,
and his clan were obliged to change their name. They obeyed so far, as to call
themselves severally Campbell, Graham, or Drummond, the surnames of the families
of Argyle, Montrose, and Perth, that they might enjoy the protection of those
houses; but they still added M'Gregor to their new appellation; and as their
chief was deprived of his estate, they robbed and plundered for his subsistence.
- Mr. Cameron of Lochiel, the chief of that clan, whose father was attainted for
having been concerned in the last rebellion, returning from France in obedience
to a proclamation and act of parliament, passed at the beginning of the late
war, paid a visit to his own country, and hired a farm in the neighbourhood of
his father's house, which had been burnt to the ground. The clan, though ruined
and scattered, no sooner heard of his arrival than they flocked to him from all
quarters, to welcome his return, and in a few days stocked his farm with seven
hundred black cattle, which they had saved in the general wreck of their
affairs: but their beloved chief, who was a promising youth, did not live to
enjoy the fruits of their fidelity and attachment.
    The most effectual method I know to weaken, and at length destroy this
influence, is to employ the commonalty in such a manner as to give them a taste
of property and independence - In vain the government grants them advantageous
leases on the forfeited estates, if they have no property to prosecute the means
of improvement - The sea is an inexhaustible fund of riches; but the fishery
cannot be carried on without vessels, casks, salt, lines, nets, and other
tackle. I conversed with a sensible man of this country, who, from a real spirit
of patriotism, had set up a fishery on the coast, and a manufacture of coarse
linen, for the employment of the poor Highlanders. Cod is here in such plenty,
that he told me he had seen seven hundred taken on one line, at one hawl - It
must be observed, however, that the line was of immense length, and had two
thousand hooks, baited with muscles; but the fish was so superior to the cod
caught on the banks of Newfoundland, that his correspondent at Lisbon sold them
immediately at his own price, although Lent was just over when they arrived, and
the people might be supposed quite cloyed with this kind of diet - His linen
manufacture was likewise in a prosperous way, when the late war intervening, all
his best hands were pressed into the service.
    It cannot be expected, that the gentlemen of this country should execute
commercial schemes to render their vassals independent; nor, indeed, are such
schemes suited to their way of life and inclination; but a company of merchants
might, with proper management, turn to good account a fishery established in
this part of Scotland - Our people have a strange itch to colonize America, when
the uncultivated parts of our own island might be settled to greater advantage.
    After having rambled through the mountains and glens of Argyle, we visited
the adjacent islands of Ila, Jura, Mull, and Icolmkill. In the first we saw the
remains of a castle, built in a lake, where Macdonald, lord or king of the
isles, formerly resided. Jura is famous for having given birth to one Mackcrain,
who lived one hundred and eighty years in one house, and died in the reign of
Charles the Second. Mull affords several bays, where there is safe anchorage; in
one of which, the Florida, a ship of the Spanish Armada, was blown up by one of
Mr. Smollett's ancestors - About forty years ago, John duke of Argyle is said to
have consulted the Spanish registers, by which it appeared, that this ship had
the military chest on board - He employed experienced divers to examine the
wreck; and they found the hull of the vessel still entire, but so covered with
sand, that they could not make their way between decks; however, they picked up
several pieces of plate, that were scattered about in the bay, and a couple of
fine brass cannon.
    Icolmkill, or Iona, is a small island which St. Columba chose for his
habitation - It was respected for its sanctity, and college or seminary of
ecclesiastics - Part of its church is still standing, with the tombs of several
Scottish, Irish, and Danish sovereigns, who were here interred - These islanders
are very bold and dexterous watermen, consequently the better adapted to the
fishery: in their manners they are less savage and impetuous than their
countrymen on the continent; and they speak the Erse or Gaelick in its greatest
purity.
    Having sent round our horses by land, we embarked in the district of Cowal,
for Greenock, which is a neat little town, on the other side of the Frith, with
a curious harbour, formed by three stone jetties, carried out a good way into
the sea - Newport-Glasgow is such another place, about two miles higher up -
Both have a face of business and plenty, and are supported entirely by the
shipping of Glasgow, of which I counted sixty large vessels in these harbours -
Taking boat again at Newport, we were in less than an hour landed on the other
side, within two short miles of our headquarters, where we found our women in
good health and spirits - They had been two days before joined by Mr. Smollett
and his lady, to whom we have such obligations as I cannot mention, even to you,
without blushing.
    To-morrow we shall bid adieu to the Scotch Arcadia, and begin our progress
to the southward, taking our way by Lanerk and Nithsdale, to the west borders of
England. I have received so much advantage and satisfaction from this tour, that
if my health suffers no revolution in the winter, I believe I shall be tempted
to undertake another expedition to the Northern extremity of Caithness,
unencumbered by those impediments which now clog the heels of,
yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Cameron, Sept. 6.
 

                     To Miss Lætitia Willis, at Gloucester

My dearest Letty,
    Never did poor prisoner long for deliverance, more than I have longed for an
opportunity to disburthen my cares into your friendly bosom; and the occasion
which now presents itself, is little less than miraculous - Honest Saunders
Macawly, the travelling Scotchman, who goes every year to Wales, is now at
Glasgow, buying goods, and coming to pay his respects to our family, has
undertaken to deliver this letter into your own hand - We have been six weeks in
Scotland, and seen the principal towns of the kingdom, where we have been
treated with great civility - The people are very courteous; and the country
being exceedingly romantic, suits my turn and inclinations - I contracted some
friendships at Edinburgh, which is a large and lofty city, full of gay company;
and, in particular, commenced an intimate correspondence with one miss R-t-n, an
amiable young lady of my own age, whose charms seemed to soften, and even to
subdue the stubborn heart of my brother Jery; but he no sooner left the place
than he relapsed into his former insensibility - I feel, however, that this
indifference is not the family-constitution - I never admitted but one idea of
love, and that has taken such root in my heart, as to be equally proof against
all the pulls of discretion, and the frosts of neglect.
    Dear Letty! I had an alarming adventure at the hunters ball in Edinburgh -
While I sat discoursing with a friend in a corner, all at once the very image of
Wilson stood before me, dressed exactly as he was in the character of Aimwell!
It was one Mr. Gordon, whom I had not seen before - Shocked at the sudden
apparition, I fainted away, and threw the whole assembly in confusion - However,
the cause of my disorder remained a secret to every body but my brother, who was
likewise struck with the resemblance, and scolded after we came home - I am very
sensible of Jery's affection, and know he spoke as well with a view to my own
interest and happiness, as in regard to the honour of the family; but I cannot
bear to have my wounds probed severely - I was not so much affected by the
censure he passed upon my own indiscretion, as with the reflection he made on
the conduct of Wilson - He observed, that if he was really the gentleman he
pretended to be, and harboured nothing but honourable designs, he would have
vindicated his pretensions in the face of day - This remark made a deep
impression upon my mind - I endeavoured to conceal my thoughts; and this
endeavour had a bad effect upon my health and spirits; so it was thought
necessary that I should go to the Highlands, and drink the goat-milk-whey.
    We went accordingly to Lough-Lomond, one of the most enchanting spots in the
whole world; and what with this remedy, which I had every morning fresh from the
mountains, and the pure air, and cheerful company, I have recovered my flesh and
appetite; though there is something still at bottom, which it is not in the
power of air, exercise, company, or medicine to remove - These incidents would
not touch me so nearly, if I had a sensible confidant to sympathize with my
affliction, and comfort me with wholesome advice - I have nothing of this kind,
except Win Jenkins, who is really a good body in the main, but very ill
qualified for such an office - The poor creature is weak in her nerves, as well
as in her understanding; otherwise I might have known the true name and
character of that unfortunate youth - But why do I call him unfortunate? perhaps
the epithet is more applicable to me for having listened to the false
professions of - But, hold! I have as yet no right, and sure I have no
inclination to believe any thing to the prejudice of his honour - In that
reflection I shall still exert my patience - As for Mrs. Jenkins, she herself is
really an object of compassion - Between vanity, methodism, and love, her head
is almost turned. I should have more regard for her, however, if she had been
more constant in the object of her affection; but, truly, she aimed at conquest,
and flirted at the same time with my uncle's footman, Humphry Clinker, who is
really a deserving young man, and one Dutton, my brother's valet de chamber, a
debauched fellow; who, leaving Win in the lurch, ran away with another man's
bride at Berwick.
    My dear Willis, I am truly ashamed of my own sex - We complain of advantages
which the men take of our youth, inexperience, sensibility, and all that; but I
have seen enough to believe, that our sex in general make it their business to
ensnare the other; and for this purpose, employ arts which are by no means to be
justified - In point of constancy, they certainly have nothing to reproach the
male part of the creation - My poor aunt, without any regard to her years and
imperfections, has gone to market with her charms in every place where she
thought she had the least chance to dispose of her person, which, however, hangs
still heavy on her hands - I am afraid she has used even religion as a decoy,
though it has not answered her expectation - She has been praying, preaching,
and catechising among the methodists, with whom this country abounds; and
pretends to have such manifestations and revelations, as even Clinker himself
can hardly believe, though the poor fellow is half crazy with enthusiasm. As for
Jenkins, she affects to take all her mistress's reveries for gospel - She has
also her heart-heavings and motions of the spirit; and God forgive me if I think
uncharitably, but all this seems to me to be downright hypocrisy and deceit -
Perhaps, indeed, the poor girl imposes on herself - She is generally in a
flutter, and is much subject to vapours - Since we came to Scotland, she has
seen apparitions, and pretends to prophesy - If I could put faith in all these
supernatural visitations, I should think myself abandoned of grace; for I have
neither seen, heard, nor felt any thing of this nature, although I endeavour to
discharge the duties of religion with all the sincerity, zeal, and devotion,
that is in the power of,
Dear Letty,
your ever affectionate,
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Glasgow, Sept. 7.
 
We are so far on our return to Brambleton-hall; and I would fain hope we shall
take Gloucester in our way, in which case I shall have the inexpressible
pleasure of embracing my dear Willis - Pray remember me to my worthy governess.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Mary,
    Sunders Macully, the Scotchman, who pushes directly for Vails, has promised
to give it you into your own hand, and therefore I would not miss the oportunity
to let you now as I am still in the land of the living; and yet I have been on
the brink of the other world since I sent you my last letter. - We went by sea
to another kingdom called Fife, and coming back, had like to have gone to pot in
a storm. - What between the frite and sickness, I thought I should have brought
my heart up; even Mr. Clinker was not his own man for eight and forty hours
after we got ashore. - It was well for some folks that we scaped drownding; for
mistress was very frexious, and seemed but indifferently prepared for a change;
but, thank God, she was soon put in a better frame by the private exaltations of
the reverend Mr. Macrocodile. - We afterwards churned to Starling and Grascow,
which are a kiple of handsome towns; and then we went to a gentleman's house at
Loff-Loming, which is a wonderful sea of fresh water, with a power of hylands in
the midst on't. - They say as how it has got n'er a bottom, and was made by a
musician; and, truly, I believe it; for it is not in the coarse of nature. - It
has got waves without wind, fish without fins, and a floating hyland; and one of
them is a crutch-yard, where the dead are buried; and always before the person
dies, a bell rings of itself to give warning.
    O Mary! this is the land of congyration - The bell knolled when we were
there - I saw lights and heard lamentations. - The gentleman, our landlord, has
got another house, which he was fain to quit, on account of a mischievious
ghost, that would not suffer people to lie in their beds. - The fairies dwell in
a hole of Kair-mann, a mounting hard by; and they steal away the good women that
are in the straw, if so be as how there a'n't a horshoe nailed to the door: and
I was shown an ould vitch, called Elspath Ringavey, with a red petticoat,
bleared eyes, and a mould of grey bristles on her sin. - That she mought do me
no harm, I crossed her hand with a taster, and bid her tell my fortune; and she
told me such things - descriving Mr. Clinker to a hair - but it shall ne'er be
said, that I minchioned a word of the matter. - As I was troubled with fits, she
advised me to bathe in the loff, which was holy water; and so I went in the
morning to a private place along with the housemaid, and we bathed in our
birth-day soot, after the fashion of the country; and behold, whilst we dabbled
in the loff, sir Gorge Coon started up with a gun; but we clapped our hands to our
faces, and passed by him to the place where we had left our smocks - A civil
gentleman would have turned his head another way. - My comfit is, he new not
which was which; and, as the saying is, all cats in the dark are grey. - Whilst
we stayed at Loff-Loming, he and our two squires went three or four days
churning among the wild men of the mountings; a parcel of selvidges that lie in
caves among the rocks, devour young children, speak Velch, but the vords are
different. Our ladies would not part with Mr. Clinker, because he is so stout,
and so pyehouse, that he fears neither man nor devils, if so be as they don't
take him by surprise. - Indeed, he was once so flurried by an operition, that he
had like to have sounded. - He made believe as if it had been the ould edmiral;
but the ould edmiral could not have made his air to stand on end, and his teeth
to shatter; but he said so in prudence, that the ladies mought not be affear'd.
Miss Liddy has been puny, and like to go into a decline - I doubt her pore art
is too tinder - but the got's-fey has sat her on her legs again. - You nows
got's fey is mother's milk to a Velchvoman. As for mistress, blessed be God, she
ails nothing. - Her stomick is good, and she improves in grease and godliness;
but, for all that, she may have infections like other people, and I believe, she
wouldn't be sorry to be called your ladyship, whenever sir George thinks proper
to axe the question. - But for my part, whatever I may see or hear, not a
praticle shall ever pass the lips of,
Dear Molly,
Your loving friend,
                                                                    WIN. JENKINS
    Grasco, Sept. 7.
 
Remember me, as usual, to Sall. - We are now coming home, though not the nearest
road. - I do suppose, I shall find the kitten a fine boar at my return.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Knight,
    Once more I tread upon English ground, which I like not the worse for the
six weeks' ramble I have made among the woods and mountains of Caledonia; no
offence to the land of cakes, where bannocks grow upon straw. I never saw my
uncle in such health and spirits as he now enjoys. Liddy is perfectly recovered;
and Mrs. Tabitha has no reason to complain. Nevertheless, I believe, she was,
till yesterday, inclined to give the whole Scotch nation to the devil, as a pack
of insensible brutes, upon whom her accomplishments had been displayed in vain.
- At every place where we halted, did she mount the stage, and flourished her
rusty arms, without being able to make one conquest. One of her last essays was
against the heart of sir George Colquhoun, with whom she fought all the weapons
more than twice over. - She was grave and gay by turns - She moralized and
methodized - she laughed, and romped, and danced, and sung, and sighed, and
ogled, and lisped, and fluttered, and flattered - but all was preaching to the
desert - The baronet, being a well-bred man, carried his civilities as far as
she could in conscience expect, and, if evil tongues are to be believed, some
degrees farther; but he was too much a veteran in gallantry, as well as in war,
to fall into any ambuscade that she could lay for his affection. - While we were
absent in the Highlands, she practised also upon the laird of Ladrishmore, and
even gave him the rendezvous in the wood of Drumscailloch; but the laird had
such a reverend care of his own reputation, that he came attended with the
parson of the parish, and nothing passed but spiritual communication, - After
all these miscarriages, our aunt suddenly recollected lieutenant Lismahago,
whom, ever since our first arrival at Edinburgh, she seemed to have utterly
forgot; but now she expressed her hopes of seeing him at Dumfries, according to
his promise.
    We set out from Glasgow by the way of Lanerk, the county-town of Clydesdale,
in the neighbourhood of which, the whole river Clyde, rushing down a steep rock,
forms a very noble and stupendous cascade. Next day we were obliged to halt in a
small borough, until the carriage, which had received some damage, should be
repaired; and here we met with an incident which warmly interested the
benevolent spirit of Mr. Bramble. - As we stood at the window of an inn that
fronted the public prison, a person arrived on horseback, genteelly, tho'
plainly, dressed in a blue frock, with his own hair cut short, and a gold-laced
hat upon his head. - Alighting, and giving his horse to the landlord, he
advanced to an old man who was at work in paving the street, and accosted him in
these words: »This is hard work for such an old man as you.« - So saying, he
took the instrument out of his hand, and began to thump the pavement. - After a
few strokes, »Have you never a son (said he) to ease you of this labour?« »Yes,
and please your honour, (replied the senior) I have three hopeful lads, but, at
present, they are out of the way.« »Honour not me (cried the stranger); it more
becomes me to honour your grey hairs. - Where are those sons you talk of?« The
ancient paviour said, his eldest son was a captain in the East-Indies; and the
youngest had lately inlisted as a soldier, in hopes of prospering like his
brother. The gentleman desiring to know what was become of the second, he wiped
his eyes, and owned, he had taken upon him his old father's debts; for which he
was now in the prison hard by.
    The traveller made three quick steps towards the jail, then turning short,
»Tell me, (said he) has that unnatural captain sent you nothing to relieve your
distresses?« »Call him not unnatural (replied the other); God's blessing be upon
him! he sent me a great deal of money; but I made a bad use of it; I lost it by
being security for a gentleman that was my landlord, and was stripped of all I had
in the world besides.« At that instant a young man, thrusting out his head and
neck between two iron bars in the prison-window, exclaimed, »Father! father! if
my brother William is in life, that's he!« »I am! - I am! - (cried the stranger,
clasping the old man in his arms, and shedding a flood of tears) - I am your son
Willy, sure enough!« Before the father, who was quite confounded, could make any
return to this tenderness, a decent old woman bolting out from the door of a
poor habitation, cried, »Where is my bairn? where is my dear Willy?« - The
captain no sooner beheld her, than he quitted his father, and ran into her
embrace.
    I can assure you, my uncle, who saw and heard every thing that passed, was
as much moved as any one of the parties concerned in this pathetic recognition -
He sobbed, and wept, and clapped his hands, and hollowed, and finally ran down
into the street. By this time, the captain had retired with his parents, and all
the inhabitants of the place were assembled at the door. - Mr. Bramble,
nevertheless, pressed thro' the crowd, and entering the house, »Captain, (said
he) I beg the favour of your acquaintance - I would have travelled a hundred
miles to see this affecting scene; and I shall think myself happy, if you and
your parents will dine with me at the public house.« The captain thanked him for
his kind invitation, which, he said, he would accept with pleasure; but, in the
mean time, he could not think of eating or drinking, while his poor brother was
in trouble. - He forthwith deposited a sum equal to the debt in the hands of the
magistrate, who ventured to set his brother at liberty without farther process;
and then the whole family repaired to the inn with my uncle, attended by the
crowd, the individuals of which shook their townsman by the hand, while he
returned their caresses without the least sign of pride or affectation.
    This honest favourite of fortune, whose name was Brown, told my uncle, that
he had been bred a weaver, and, about eighteen years ago, had, from a spirit of
idleness and dissipation, enlisted as a soldier in the service of the East-India
company; that, in the course of duty, he had the good fortune to attract the
notice and approbation of lord Clive, who preferred him from one step to
another, till he attained the rank of captain and pay-master to the regiment, in
which capacities he had honestly amassed above twelve thousand pounds, and, at
the peace, resigned his commission. - He had sent several remittances to his
father, who received the first only, consisting of one hundred pounds; the
second had fallen into the hands of a bankrupt; and the third had been consigned
to a gentleman of Scotland, who died before it arrived; so that it still
remained to be accounted for by his executors. He now presented the old man with
fifty pounds for his present occasions, over and above bank notes for one
hundred, which he had deposited for his brother's release. - He brought along
with him a deed ready executed, by which he settled a perpetuity of fourscore
pounds upon his parents, to be inherited by their other two sons after their
decease. - He promised to purchase a commission for his youngest brother; to
take the other as his own partner in a manufacture which he intended to set up,
to give employment and bread to the industrious; and to give five hundred
pounds, by way of dower, to his sister, who had married a farmer in low
circumstances. - Finally, he gave fifty pounds to the poor of the town where he
was born, and feasted all the inhabitants without exception.
    My uncle was so charmed with the character of captain Brown, that he drank
his health three times successively at dinner. - He said, he was proud of his
acquaintance; that he was an honour to his country, and had in some measure
redeemed human nature from the reproach of pride, selfishness, and ingratitude.
- For my part, I was as much pleased with the modesty as with the filial virtue
of this honest soldier, who assumed no merit from his success, and said very
little of his own transactions, though the answers he made to our inquiries were
equally sensible and laconic. Mrs. Tabitha behaved very graciously to him until
she understood that he was going to make a tender of his hand to a person of low
estate, who had been his sweet-heart while he worked as a journeyman weaver. -
Our aunt was no sooner made acquainted with this design, than she starched up
her behaviour with a double proportion of reserve; and when the company broke
up, she observed, with a toss of her nose, that Brown was a civil fellow enough,
considering the lowness of his origin; but that Fortune, though she had mended
his circumstances, was incapable to raise his ideas, which were still humble and
plebeian.
    On the day that succeeded this adventure, we went some miles out of our road
to see Drumlanrig, a seat belonging to the Duke of Queensberry, which appears
like a magnificent palace erected by magic, in the midst of a wilderness. - It
is indeed a princely mansion, with suitable parks and plantations, rendered
still more striking by the nakedness of the surrounding country, which is one of
the wildest tracts in all Scotland. - This wildness, however, is different from
that of the Highlands; for here the mountains, instead of heath, are covered
with a fine green swarth, affording pasture to innumerable flocks of sheep. But
the fleeces of this country, called Nithsdale, are not comparable to the wool of
Galloway, which is said to equal that of Salisbury plain. Having passed the
night at the castle of Drumlanrig, by invitation from the duke himself, who is
one of the best men that ever breathed, we prosecuted our journey to Dumfries, a
very elegant trading town near the borders of England, where we found plenty of
good provision and excellent wine, at very reasonable prices, and the
accommodation as good in all respects as in any part of South-Britain. - If I
was confined to Scotland for life, I would choose Dumfries as the place of my
residence. Here we made enquiries about captain Lismahago, of whom hearing no
tidings, we proceeded, by the Solway Frith, to Carlisle. You must know, that the
Solway sands, upon which travellers pass at low water, are exceedingly
dangerous, because, as the tide makes, they become quick in different places,
and the flood rushes in so impetuously, that passengers are often overtaken by
the sea, and perish.
    In crossing these treacherous Syrtes with a guide, we perceived a drowned
horse, which Humphry Clinker, after due inspection, declared to be the very
identical beast which Mr. Lismahago rode when he parted with us at Felton-bridge
in Northumberland. This information, which seemed to intimate that our friend
the lieutenant had shared the fate of his horse, affected us all, and above all
our aunt Tabitha, who shed salt tears, and obliged Clinker to pull a few hairs
out of the dead horse's tail, to be worn in a ring as a remembrance of his
master: but her grief and ours was not of long duration; for one of the first
persons we saw in Carlisle, was the lieutenant in propria persona, bargaining
with a horse-dealer for another steed, in the yard of the inn where we alighted.
- Mrs. Bramble was the first that perceived him, and screamed as if she had seen
a ghost; and, truly, at a proper time and place, he might very well have passed
for an inhabitant of another world; for he was more meagre and grim than before.
- We received him the more cordially for having supposed he had been drowned;
and he was not deficient in expressions of satisfaction at this meeting. - He
told us, he had inquired for us at Dumfries, and been informed by a travelling
merchant from Glasgow, that we had resolved to return by the way of Coldstream.
- He said, that in passing the sands without a guide, his horse had knocked up;
and he himself must have perished, if he had not been providentially relieved by
a return post-chaise. - He moreover gave us to understand, that his scheme of
settling in his own country having miscarried, he was so far on his way to
London, with a view to embark for North-America, where he intended to pass the
rest of his days among his old friends the Miamis, and amuse himself in
finishing the education of the son he had by his beloved Squinkinacoosta.
    This project was by no means agreeable to our good aunt, who expatiated upon
the fatigues and dangers that would attend such a long voyage by sea, and
afterwards such a tedious journey by land - She enlarged particularly on the
risk he would run, with respect to the concerns of his precious soul, among
savages who had not yet received the glad tidings of salvation; and she hinted
that his abandoning Great-Britain might, perhaps, prove fatal to the
inclinations of some deserving person, whom he was qualified to make happy for
life. My uncle, who is really a Don Quixote in generosity, understanding that
Lismahago's real reason for leaving Scotland was the impossibility of subsisting
in it with any decency upon the wretched provision of a subaltern's half-pay,
began to be warmly interested on the side of compassion. - He thought it very
hard, that a gentleman who had served his country with honour, should be driven
by necessity to spend his old age, among the refuse of mankind, in such a remote
part of the world. - He discoursed with me upon the subject; observing, that he
would willingly offer the lieutenant an asylum at Brambleton-hall, if he did not
foresee that his singularities and humour of contradiction would render him an
intolerable house-mate, though his conversation at some times might be both
instructive and entertaining: but, as there seemed to be something particular in
his attention to Mrs. Tabitha, he and I agreed in opinion, that this intercourse
should be encouraged, and improved, if possible, into a matrimonial union; in
which case there would be a comfortable provision for both; and they might be
settled in a house of their own, so that Mr. Bramble should have no more of
their company than he desired.
    In pursuance of this design, Lismahago has been invited to pass the winter
at Brambleton-hall, as it wilt be time enough to execute his American project in
the spring. - He has taken time to consider of this proposal; mean while, he
will keep us company as far as we travel in the road to Bristol, where he has
hopes of getting a passage for America. I make no doubt but that he will
postpone his voyage, and prosecute his addresses to a happy consummation; and
sure, if it produces any fruit, it must be of a very peculiar flavour. As the
weather continues favourable, I believe, we shall take the Peak of Derbyshire
and Buxton Wells in our way. - At any rate, from the first place where we make
any stay, you shall hear again from
Yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Carlisle, Sept. 12.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Doctor,
    The peasantry of Scotland are certainly on a poor footing all over the
kingdom; and yet they look better, and are better clothed than those of the
same rank in Burgundy, and many other places of France and Italy; nay, I will
venture to say they are better fed, notwithstanding the boasted wine of these
foreign countries. The country people of North-Britain live chiefly on oat-meal,
and milk, cheese, butter, and some garden-stuff, with now and then a
pickled-herring, by way of delicacy; but flesh-meat they seldom or never taste;
nor any kind of strong liquor, except two-penny, at times of uncommon festivity
- Their breakfast is a kind of hasty-pudding, of oat-meal or pease-meal, eaten
with milk. They have commonly pottage to dinner, composed of cale or cole,
leeks, barley or big, and butter; and this is reinforced with bread and cheese,
made of skimmed-milk - At night they sup on sowens or flummery of oat-meal - In
a scarcity of oats, they use the meal of barley and pease, which is both
nourishing and palatable. Some of them have potatoes; and you find parsnips in
every peasant's garden - They are clothed with a coarse kind of russet of their
own making, which is both decent and warm - They dwell in poor huts, built of
loose stones and turf, without any mortar, having a fireplace or hearth in the
middle, generally made of an old mill-stone, and a hole at top to let out the
smoke.
    These people, however, are content, and wonderfully sagacious - All of them
read the Bible, and are even qualified to dispute upon the articles of their
faith; which, in those parts I have seen, is entirely Presbyterian. I am told,
that the inhabitants of Aberdeen-shire are still more acute. I once knew a
Scotch gentleman at London, who had declared war against this part of his
countrymen; and swore that the impudence and knavery of the Scots, in that
quarter, had brought a reproach upon the whole nation.
    The river Clyde, above Glasgow, is quite pastoral; and the banks of it are
every where adorned with fine villas. From the sea to its source, we may reckon
the seats of many families of the first rank, such as the duke of Argyle at
Roseneath, the earl of Bute in the isle of that name, the earl of Glencairn at
Finlayston, lord Blantyre at Areskine, the dutchess of Douglas at Bothwell, duke
Hamilton at Hamilton, the duke of Douglas at Douglas, and the earl of Hyndford
at Carmichael. Hamilton is a noble palace, magnificently furnished; and hard by
is the village of that name, one of the neatest little towns I have seen in any
country. The old castle of Douglas being burned to the ground by accident, the
late duke resolved, as head of the first family in Scotland, to have the largest
house in the kingdom, and ordered a plan for this purpose; but there was only
one wing of it finished when he died. It is to be hoped that his nephew, who is
now in possession of his great fortune, will complete the design of his
predecessor - Clydesdale is in general populous and rich, containing a great
number of gentlemen, who are independent in their fortune; but it produces more
cattle than corn - This is also the case with Tweedale, through part of which we
passed, and Nidsdale, which is generally rough, wild, and mountainous - These
hills are covered with sheep; and this is the small delicious mutton, so much
preferable to that of the London-market. As their feeding costs so little, the
sheep are not killed till five years old, when their flesh, juices, and flavour,
are in perfection; but their fleeces are much damaged by the tar, with which
they are smeared to preserve them from the rot in winter, during which they run
wild night and day, and thousands are lost under huge wreaths of snow - 'Tis
pity the farmers cannot contrive some means to shelter this useful animal from
the inclemencies of a rigorous climate, especially from the perpetual rains,
which are more prejudicial than the greatest extremity of cold weather.
    On the little river Nid, is situated the castle of Drumlanrig, one of the
noblest seats in Great-Britain, belonging to the duke of Queensberry; one of
those few noblemen whose goodness of heart does honour to human-nature - I shall
not pretend to enter into a description of this palace, which is really an
instance of the sublime in magnificence, as well as in situation, and puts one
in mind of the beautiful city of Palmyra, rising like a vision in the midst of
the wilderness. His grace keeps open house, and lives with great splendour - He
did us the honour to receive us with great courtesy, and detain us all night,
together with above twenty other guests, with all their servants and horses, to
a very considerable number - The dutchess was equally gracious, and took our
ladies under her immediate protection. The longer I live, I see more reason to
believe that prejudices of education are never wholly eradicated, even when they
are discovered to be erroneous and absurd. Such habits of thinking as interest
the grand passions, cleave to the human heart in such a manner, that though an
effort of reason may force them from their hold for a moment, this violence no
sooner ceases, than they resume their grasp with an increased elasticity and
adhesion.
    I am led into this reflection, by what passed at the duke's table after
supper. The conversation turned upon the vulgar notions of spirits and omens,
that prevail among the commonalty of North-Britain, and all the company agreed,
that nothing could be more ridiculous. One gentleman, however, told a remarkable
story of himself, by way of speculation - »Being on a party of hunting in the
North, (said he) I resolved to visit an old friend, whom I had not seen for
twenty years - So long he had been retired and sequestered from all his
acquaintance, and lived in a moping melancholy way, much afflicted with lowness
of spirits, occasioned by the death of his wife, whom he had loved with uncommon
affection. As he resided in a remote part of the country, and we were five
gentlemen with as many servants, we carried some provision with us from the next
market town, lest we should find him unprepared for our reception. The roads
being bad, we did not arrive at the house till two o'clock in the afternoon; and
were agreeably surprised to find a very good dinner ready in the kitchen, and
the cloth laid with six covers. My friend himself appeared in his best apparel
at the gate, and received us with open arms, telling me he had been expecting us
these two hours - Astonished at this declaration, I asked who had given him
intelligence of our coming? and he smiled without making any other reply -
However, presuming upon our former intimacy, I afterwards insisted upon knowing;
and he told me, very gravely, he had seen me in a vision of the second sight -
Nay, he called in the evidence of his steward, who solemnly declared, that his
master had the day before apprised him of my coming, with four other strangers,
and ordered him to provide accordingly; in consequence of which intimation, he
had prepared the dinner which we were now eating; and laid the covers according
to the number foretold.« The incident we all owned to be remarkable, and I
endeavoured to account for it by natural means. I observed, that as the
gentleman was of a visionary turn, the casual idea, or remembrance of his old
friend, might suggest those circumstances, which accident had for once realized;
but that in all probability he had seen many visions of the same kind, which
were never verified. None of the company directly dissented from my opinion; but
from the objections that were hinted, I could plainly perceive, that the
majority were persuaded there was something more extraordinary in the case.
    Another gentleman of the company, addressing himself to me, »Without all
doubt, (said he) a diseased imagination is very apt to produce visions; but we
must find some other method to account for something of this kind, that happened
within these eight days in my neighbourhood - A gentleman of a good family, who
cannot be deemed a visionary in any sense of the word, was near his own gate, in
the twilight, visited by his grandfather, who has been dead these fifteen years
- The spectre was mounted seemingly on the very horse he used to ride, with an
angry and terrible countenance, and said something, which his grandson, in the
confusion of his fear, could not understand. But this was not all - He lifted up
a huge horse-whip, and applied it with great violence to his back and shoulders,
on which I saw the impression with my own eyes. The apparition was afterwards
seen by the sexton of the parish, hovering about the tomb where his body lies
interred; as the man declared to several persons in the village, before he knew
what had happened to the gentleman - Nay, he actually came to me as a justice of
the peace, in order to make oath of these particulars, which, however, I
declined administering. As for the grandson of the defunct, he is a sober,
sensible, worldly-minded fellow, too intent upon schemes of interest to give
into reveries. He would have willingly concealed the affair; but he bawled out
in the first transport of his fear, and, running into the house, exposed his
back and his sconce to the whole family; so that there was no denying it in the
sequel. It is now the common discourse of the country, that this appearance and
behaviour of the old man's spirit, portends some great calamity to the family;
and the good woman has actually taken to her bed in this apprehension.«
    Though I did not pretend to explain this mystery, I said, I did not at all
doubt, but it would one day appear to be a deception; and, in all probability, a
scheme executed by some enemy of the person who had sustained the assault; but
still the gentleman insisted upon the clearness of the evidence, and the
concurrence of testimony, by which two creditable witnesses, without any
communication one with another, affirmed the appearance of the same man, with
whose person they were both well acquainted - From Drumlanrig we pursued the
course of the Nid to Dumfries, which stands several miles above the place where
the river falls into the sea; and is, after Glasgow, the handsomest town I have
seen in Scotland - The inhabitants, indeed, seem to have proposed that city as
their model; not only in beautifying their town and regulating its police, but
also in prosecuting their schemes of commerce and manufacture, by which they are
grown rich and opulent.
    We re-entered England, by the way of Carlisle, where we accidentally met
with our friend Lismahago, whom we had in vain inquired after at Dumfries and
other places - It would seem that the captain, like the prophets of old, is but
little honoured in his own country, which he has now renounced for ever - He
gave me the following particulars of his visit to his native soil - In his way
to the place of his nativity, he learned that his nephew had married the
daughter of a burgeois, who directed a weaving manufacture, and had gone into
partnership with his father-in-law: chagrined with this information, he had
arrived at the gate in the twilight, where he heard the sound of treddles in the
great hall, which had exasperated him to such a degree, that he had like to have
lost his senses: while he was thus transported with indignation, his nephew
chanced to come forth, when, being no longer master of his passion, he cried,
»Degenerate rascal! you have made my father's house a den of thieves;« and at
the same time chastised him with his horsewhip; then, riding round the adjoining
village, he had visited the burying-ground of his ancestors by moon-light; and,
having paid his respects to their manes, travelled all night to another part of
the country - Finding the head of his family in such a disgraceful situation,
all his own friends dead or removed from the places of their former residence,
and the expense of living increased to double of what it had been, when he first
left his native country, he had bid it an eternal adieu, and was determined to
seek for repose among the forests of America.
    I was no longer at a loss to account for the apparition, which had been
described at Drumlanrig; and when I repeated the story to the lieutenant, he was
much pleased to think his resentment had been so much more effectual than he
intended; and he owned, he might at such an hour, and in such an equipage, very
well pass for the ghost of his father, whom he was said greatly to resemble -
Between friends, I fancy Lismahago will find a retreat without going so far as
the wigwams of the Miamis. My sister Tabby is making continual advances to him,
in the way of affection; and, if I may trust to appearances, the captain is
disposed to take opportunity by the forelock. For my part, I intend to encourage
this correspondence, and shall be glad to see them united - In that case, we
shall find a way to settle them comfortably in our own neighbourhood. I, and my
servants, will get rid of a very troublesome and tyrannic gouvernante; and I
shall have the benefit of Lismahago's conversation, without being obliged to
take more of his company than I desire; for though an olla is a high-flavoured
dish, I could not bear to dine upon it every day of my life.
    I am much pleased with Manchester, which is one of the most agreeable and
flourishing towns in Great-Britain; and I perceive that this is the place which
hath animated the spirit, and suggested the chief manufactures of Glasgow. We
propose to visit Chats-worth, the Peak, and Buxton, from which last place we
shall proceed directly homewards, though by easy journies. If the season has
been as favourable in Wales as in the North, your harvest is happily finished;
and we have nothing left to think of but our October, of which let Barns be
properly reminded. You will find me much better in flesh than I was at our
parting; and this short separation has given a new edge to those sentiments of
friendship with which I always have been, and ever shall be,
yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Manchester, Sept. 15.
 

                To Mrs. Gwyllim, house-keeper at Brambleton-hall

Mrs. Gwyllim,
    It has pleased Providence to bring us safe back to England, and partake us
in many pearls by land and water, in particular the Devil's Harse a-pike, and
Hoyden's Hole, which hath got no bottom; and, as we are drawing huomwards, it
may be proper to uprise you, that Brambleton-hall may be in a condition to
receive us, after this long gurney to the islands of Scotland. By the first of
next month you may begin to make constant fires in my brother's chamber and
mine; and burn a fagget every day in the yellow damask room: have the tester and
curtains dusted, and the father-bed and matrosses well haired, because, perhaps,
with the blissing of haven, they may be yoosed on some occasion. Let the ould
hogsheads be well skewred and seasoned for bear, as Mat is resolved to have his
seller choke fool.
    If the house was mine, I would turn over a new leaf - I don't see why the
sarvants of Wales shouldn't drink fair water, and eat hot cakes and barley cale,
as they do in Scotland, without troubling the botcher above once a quarter - I
hope you keep accunt of Roger's purseeding in reverence to the butter-milk. I
expect my dew when I come huom, without baiting an ass, I'll assure you. - As
you must have layed a great many more eggs than would be eaten, I do suppose
there is a power of turks, chickings, and guzzling about the house; and a brave
kergo of cheese ready for market; and that the owl has been sent to Crickhowel,
saving what the maids spun in the family.
    Pray let the whole house and furniture have a thorough cleaning from top to
bottom, for the honour of Wales; and let Roger search into, and make a general
clearance of the slit holes which the maids have in secret; for I know they are
much given to sloth and uncleanness. I hope you have worked a reformation among
them, as I exhorted you in my last, and set their hearts upon better things than
they can find in junkitting and caterwauling with the fellows of the country.
    As for Win Jenkins, she has undergone a perfect metamurphysis, and is become
a new creeter from the ammunition of Humphry Clinker, our new footman, a pious
young man, who has laboured exceedingly, that she may bring forth fruits of
repentance. I make no doubt but he will take the same pains with that pert
hussey Mary Jones, and all of you; and that he may have power given to penetrate
and instill his goodness, even into your most inward parts, is the fervent
prayer of
your friend in the spirit,
                                                                    TAB. BRAMBLE
    Septr. 18.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Lewis,
    Lismahago is more paradoxical than ever. - The late gulp he had of his
native air, seems to have blown fresh spirit into all his polemical faculties. I
congratulated him the other day on the present flourishing state of his country,
observing that the Scots were now in a fair way to wipe off the national
reproach of poverty, and expressing my satisfaction at the happy effects of the
union, so conspicuous in the improvement of their agriculture, commerce,
manufactures, and manners - The lieutenant, screwing up his features into a look
of dissent and disgust, commented on my remarks to this effect - »Those who
reproach a nation for its poverty, when it is not owing to the profligacy or
vice of the people, deserve no answer. The Lacedæmonians were poorer than the
Scots, when they took the lead among all the free states of Greece, and were
esteemed above them all for their valour and their virtue. The most respectable
heroes of ancient Rome, such as Fabricius, Cincinnatus, and Regulus, were poorer
than the poorest freeholder in Scotland; and there are at this day individuals
in North-Britain, one of whom can produce more gold and silver than the whole
republic of Rome could raise at those times when her public virtue shone with
unrivalled lustre; and poverty was so far from being a reproach, that it added
fresh laurels to her fame, because it indicated a noble contempt of wealth,
which was proof against all the arts of corruption - If poverty be a subject for
reproach, it follows that wealth is the object of esteem and veneration - In
that case, there are Jews and others in Amsterdam and London, enriched by usury,
peculation, and different species of fraud and extortion, who are more estimable
than the most virtuous and illustrious members of the community. An absurdity
which no man in his senses will offer to maintain. - Riches are certainly no
proof of merit: nay they are often (if not most commonly) acquired by persons of
sordid minds and mean talents: nor do they give any intrinsic worth to the
possessor; but, on the contrary, tend to pervert his understanding, and render
his morals more depraved. But, granting that poverty were really matter of
reproach, it cannot be justly imputed to Scotland. No country is poor that can
supply its inhabitants with the necessaries of life, and even afford articles
for exportation. Scotland is rich in natural advantages: it produces every
species of provision in abundance, vast herds of cattle and flocks of sheep,
with a great number of horses; prodigious quantities of wool and flax, with
plenty of copse wood, and in some parts large forests of timber. The earth is
still more rich below than above the surface. It yields inexhaustible stores of
coal, free-stone, marble, lead, iron, copper, and silver, with some gold. The
sea abounds with excellent fish, and salt to cure them for exportation; and
there are creeks and harbours round the whole kingdom, for the convenience and
security of navigation. The face of the country displays a surprising number of
cities, towns, villas, and villages, swarming with people; and there seems to be
no want of art, industry, government, and police: such a kingdom can never be
called poor, in any sense of the word, though there may be many others more
powerful and opulent. But the proper use of those advantages, and the present
prosperity of the Scots, you seem to derive from the union of the two kingdoms!«
    I said, I supposed he would not deny that the appearance of the country was
much mended; that the people lived better, had more trade, and a greater
quantity of money circulating since the union, than before. »I may safely admit
these premises, (answered the lieutenant) without subscribing to your inference.
The difference you mention, I should take to be the natural progress of
improvement - Since that period, other nations, such as the Swedes, the Danes,
and in particular the French, have greatly increased in commerce, without any
such cause assigned. Before the union, there was a remarkable spirit of trade
among the Scots, as appeared in the case of their Darien company, in which they
had embarked no less than four hundred thousand pounds sterling; and in the
flourishing state of the maritime towns in Fife, and on the eastern coast,
enriched by their trade with France, which failed in consequence of the union.
The only solid commercial advantage reaped from that measure, was the privilege
of trading to the English plantations; yet, excepting Glasgow and Dumfries, I
don't know any other Scotch towns concerned in that traffic. In other respects,
I conceive the Scots were losers by the union. - They lost the independency of
their state, the greatest prop of national spirit; they lost their parliament,
and their courts of justice were subjected to the revision and supremacy of an
English tribunal.«
    »Softly, captain, (cried I) you cannot be said to have lost your own
parliament, while you are represented in that of Great-Britain.« »True, (said
he, with a sarcastic grin) in debates of national competition, the sixteen peers
and forty-five commoners of Scotland, must make a formidable figure in the
scale, against the whole English legislature.« »Be that as it may, (I observed)
while I had the honour to sit in the lower house, the Scotch members had always
the majority on their side.« »I understand you, Sir, (said he) they generally
side with the majority; so much the worse for their constituents. But even this
evil is not the worst they have sustained by the union. Their trade has been
saddled with grievous impositions, and every article of living severely taxed,
to pay the interest of enormous debts, contracted by the English, in support of
measures and connections in which the Scots had no interest nor concern.« I
begged he would at least allow, that by the union the Scots were admitted to all
the privileges and immunities of English subjects; by which means multitudes of
them were provided for in the army and navy, and got fortunes in different parts
of England, and its dominions. »All these, (said he) become English subjects to
all intents and purposes, and are in a great measure lost to their
mother-country. The spirit of rambling and adventure has been always peculiar to
the natives of Scotland. If they had not met with encouragement in England, they
would have served and settled, as formerly, in other countries, such as Muscovy,
Sweden, Denmark, Poland, Germany, France, Piedmont, and Italy, in all which
nations their descendents continue to flourish even at this day.«
    By this time my patience began to fail, and I exclaimed, »For God's sake,
what has England got by this union which, you say, has been so productive of
misfortune to the Scots.« »Great and manifold are the advantages which England
derives from the union (said Lismahago, in a solemn tone). First and foremost,
the settlement of the protestant succession, a point which the English ministry
drove with such eagerness, that no stone was left unturned, to cajole and bribe
a few leading men, to cram the union down the throats of the Scottish nation,
who were surprisingly averse to the expedient. They gained by it a considerable
addition of territory, extending their dominion to the sea on all sides of the
island, thereby shutting up all back-doors against the enterprizes of their
enemies. They got an accession of above a million of useful subjects,
constituting a never-failing nursery of seamen, soldiers, labourers, and
mechanics; a most valuable acquisition to a trading country, exposed to foreign
wars, and obliged to maintain a number of settlements in all the four quarters
of the globe. In the course of seven years, during the last war, Scotland
furnished the English army and navy with seventy thousand men, over and above
those who migrated to their colonies, or mingled with them at home in the civil
departments of life. This was a very considerable and seasonable supply to a
nation, whose people had been for many years decreasing in number, and whose
lands and manufactures were actually suffering for want of hands. I need not
remind you of the hackneyed maxim, that, to a nation in such circumstances, a
supply of industrious people is a supply of wealth; nor repeat an observation,
which is now received as an eternal truth, even among the English themselves,
that the Scots who settle in South-Britain are remarkably sober, orderly, and
industrious.«
    I allowed the truth of this remark, adding, that by their industry,
economy, and circumspection, many of them in England, as well as in her
colonies, amassed large fortunes, with which they returned to their own country,
and this was so much lost to South-Britain. - »Give me leave, sir, (said he) to
assure you, that in your fact you are mistaken, and in your deduction,
erroneous. - Not one in two hundred that leave Scotland ever returns to settle
in his own country; and the few that do return, carry thither nothing that can
possibly diminish the stock of South-Britain; for none of their treasure
stagnates in Scotland - There is a continual circulation, like that of the blood
in the human body, and England is the heart, to which all the streams which it
distributes are refunded and returned: nay, in consequence of that luxury which
our connection with England hath greatly encouraged, if not introduced, all the
produce of our lands, and all the profits of our trade, are engrossed by the
natives of South-Britain; for you will find that the exchange between the two
kingdoms is always against Scotland; and that she retains neither gold nor
silver sufficient for her own circulation. - The Scots, not content with their
own manufactures and produce, which would very well answer all necessary
occasions, seem to vie with each other in purchasing superfluities from England;
such as broad-cloth, velvets, stuffs, silks, lace, furs, jewels, furniture of
all sorts, sugar, rum, tea, chocolate, and coffee; in a word, not only every
mode of the most extravagant luxury, but even many articles of convenience,
which they might find as good, and much cheaper, in their own country. For all
these particulars, I conceive, England may touch about one million sterling
a-year. - I don't pretend to make an exact calculation; perhaps, it may be
something less, and, perhaps, a great deal more. - The annual revenue arising
from all the private estates of Scotland cannot fall short of a million
sterling; and, I should imagine, their trade will amount to as much more. - I
know, the linen manufacture alone returns near half a million, exclusive of the
home-consumption of that article. - If, therefore, North-Britain pays a balance
of a million annually to England, I insist upon it, that country is more
valuable to her in the way of commerce, than any colony in her possession, over
and above the other advantages which I have specified: therefore, they are no
friends, either to England or to truth, who affect to depreciate the northern
part of the united kingdom.«
    I must own, I was at first a little nettled to find myself schooled in so
many particulars. - Though I did not receive all his assertions as gospel, I was
not prepared to refute them; and I cannot help now acquiescing in his remarks so
far as to think, that the contempt for Scotland, which prevails too much on this
side the Tweed, is founded on prejudice and error. - After some recollection,
»Well, captain, (said I) you have argued stoutly for the importance of your own
country: for my part, I have such a regard for our fellow-subjects of
North-Britain, that I should be glad to see the day, when your peasants can
afford to give all their oats to their cattle, hogs, and poultry, and indulge
themselves with good wheaten loaves, instead of such poor, unpalatable, and
inflammatory diet.« Here again I brought myself into a premunire with the
disputatious Caledonian. He said, he hoped he should never see the common people
lifted out of that sphere for which they were intended by nature and the course
of things; that they might have some reason to complain of their bread, if it
were mixed, like that of Norway, with saw-dust and fish-bones; but that oatmeal
was, he apprehended, as nourishing and salutary as wheat-flour, and the Scots in
general thought it at least as savoury. - He affirmed, that a mouse, which, in
the article of self-preservation, might be supposed to act from infallible
instinct, would always prefer oats to wheat, as appeared from experience; for,
in a place where there was a parcel of each, that animal had never begun to feed
upon the latter till all the oats were consumed: for their nutritive quality, he
appealed to the hale, robust constitutions of the people who lived chiefly upon
oatmeal; and, instead of being inflammatory, he asserted, that it was a cooling
sub-acid, balsamic and mucilaginous; insomuch, that in all inflammatory
distempers, recourse was had to water-gruel, and flummery made of oatmeal.
    »At least, (said I) give me leave to wish them such a degree of commerce as
may enable them to follow their own inclinations.« - »Heaven forbid! (cried this
philosopher) Woe be to that nation, where the multitude is at liberty to follow
their own inclinations! Commerce is undoubtedly a blessing, while restrained
within its proper channels; but a glut of wealth brings along with it a glut of
evils: it brings false taste, false appetite, false wants, profusion, venality,
contempt of order, engendering a spirit of licentiousness, insolence, and
faction, that keeps the community in continual ferment, and in time destroys all
the distinctions of civil society; so that universal anarchy and uproar must
ensue. Will any sensible man affirm, that the national advantages of opulence
are to be sought on these terms?« »No, sure; but I am one of those who think,
that, by proper regulations, commerce may produce every national benefit,
without the allay of such concomitant evils.«
    So much for the dogmata of my friend Lismahago, whom I describe the more
circumstantially, as I firmly believe he will set up his rest in Monmouthshire.
Yesterday, while I was alone with him, he asked, in some confusion, if I should
have any objection to the success of a gentleman and a soldier, provided he
should be so fortunate as to engage my sister's affection. I answered, without
hesitation, that my sister was old enough to judge for herself; and that I
should be very far from disapproving any resolution she might take in his
favour. - His eyes sparkled at this declaration. He declared, he should think
himself the happiest man on earth to be connected with my family; and that he
should never be weary of giving me proofs of his gratitude and attachment. I
suppose Tabby and he are already agreed; in which case, we shall have a wedding
at Brambleton-hall, and you shall give away the bride. - It is the least thing
you can do, by way of atonement for your former cruelty to that poor love-sick
maiden, who has been so long a thorn in the side of
Yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Sept. 20.
 
We have been at Buxton; but, as I did not much relish either the company or the
accommodations, and had no occasion for the water, we stayed but two nights in
the place.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Wat,
    Adventures begin to thicken as we advance to the southward. - Lismahago has
now professed himself the admirer of our aunt, and carries on his addresses
under the sanction of her brother's approbation; so that we shall certainly have
a wedding by Christmas. I should be glad you was present at the nuptials, to
help me to throw the stocking, and perform other ceremonies peculiar to that
occasion - I am sure it will be productive of some diversion; and, truly, it
would be worth your while to come across the country on purpose to see two such
original figures in bed together, with their laced night-caps; he, the emblem of
good cheer, and she, the picture of good nature. All this agreeable prospect was
clouded, and had well nigh vanished entirely, in consequence of a late
misunderstanding between the future brothers-in-law, which, however, is now
happily removed.
    A few days ago, my uncle and I, going to visit a relation, met with lord
Oxmington at his house, who asked us to dine with him next day, and we accepted
the invitation. - Accordingly, leaving our women under the care of captain
Lismahago, at the inn where we had lodged the preceding night, in a little town,
about a mile from his lordship's dwelling, we went at the hour appointed, and
had a fashionable meal served up with much ostentation to a company of about a
dozen persons, none of whom we had ever seen before. - His lordship is much more
remarkable for his pride and caprice, than for his hospitality and
understanding; and, indeed, it appeared, that he considered his guests merely as
objects to shine upon, so as to reflect the lustre of his own magnificence. -
There was much state, but no courtesy; and a great deal of compliment without
any conversation. - Before the desert was removed, our noble entertainer
proposed three general toasts; then calling for a glass of wine, and bowing all
round, wished us a good afternoon. This was the signal for the company to break
up, and they obeyed it immediately, all except our 'squire, who was greatly
shocked at the manner of this dismissal. - He changed countenance, bit his lip
in silence, but still kept his seat, so that his lordship found himself obliged
to give us another hint, by saying, he should be glad to see us another time.
»There is no time like the time present (cried Mr. Bramble); your lordship has
not yet drank a bumper to the best in Christendom.« »I'll drink no more bumpers
to-day (answered our landlord); and I am sorry to see you have drank too many. -
Order the gentleman's carriage to the gate.« - So saying, he rose and retired
abruptly; our 'squire starting up at the same time, laying his hand upon his
sword, and eyeing him with a most ferocious aspect. The master having vanished
in this manner, our uncle bad one of the servants to see what was to pay: and
the fellow answering, »This is no inn,« »I cry you mercy, (cried the other) I
perceive it is not; if it were, the landlord would be more civil. - There's a
guinea, however; take it, and tell your lord, that I shall not leave the country
till I have had an opportunity to thank him in person for his politeness and
hospitality.«
    We then walked down stairs through a double range of lacqueys, and getting
into the chaise, proceeded homewards. Perceiving the 'squire much ruffled, I
ventured to disapprove of his resentment, observing, that as lord Oxmington was
well known to have his brain very ill timbered, a sensible man should rather
laugh, than be angry at his ridiculous want of breeding. - Mr. Bramble took
umbrage at my presuming to be wiser than he upon this occasion; and told me,
that as he had always thought for himself in every occurrence in life, he would
still use the same privilege, with my good leave.
    When we returned to our inn, he closeted Lismahago; and having explained his
grievance, desired that gentleman to go and demand satisfaction of Lord
Oxmington in his name. - The lieutenant charged himself with this commission,
and immediately set out a horseback for his lordship's house, attended, at his
own request, by my man Archy Macalpine, who had been used to military service;
and truly, if Macalpine had been mounted upon an ass, this couple might have
passed for the knight of La Mancha and his 'squire Panza. It was not till after
some demur that Lismahago obtained a private audience, at which he formally
defied his lordship to single combat, in the name of Mr. Bramble, and desired
him to appoint the time and place. Lord Oxmington was so confounded at this
unexpected message, that he could not, for some time, make any articulate reply;
but stood staring at the lieutenant with manifest marks of perturbation. At
length, ringing a bell with great vehemence, he exclaimed, »What! a commoner
send a challenge to a peer of the realm! - Privilege! privilege! - Here's a
person brings me a challenge from the Welshman that dined at my table - An
impudent fellow! - My wine is not yet out of his head.«
    The whole house was immediately in commotion. - Macalpine made a soldierly
retreat with the two horses; but the captain was suddenly surrounded and
disarmed by the footmen, whom a French valet de chamber headed in this exploit;
his sword was passed through a close-stool, and his person through the
horse-pond. - In this plight he returned to the inn, half mad with his disgrace.
- So violent was the rage of his indignation, that he mistook its object. - He
wanted to quarrel with Mr. Bramble; he said, he had been dishonoured on his
account, and he looked for reparation at his hands. - My uncle's back was up in
a moment; and he desired him to explain his pretensions. - »Either compel lord
Oxmington to give me satisfaction, (cried he) or give it me in your own person.«
»The latter part of the alternative is the most easy and expeditious (replied
the 'squire, starting up): if you are disposed for a walk, I'll attend you this
moment.«
    Here they were interrupted by Mrs. Tabby, who had overheard all that passed.
- She now burst into the room, and running betwixt them, in great agitation, »Is
this your regard for me, (said she to the lieutenant) to seek the life of my
brother?« Lismahago, who seemed to grow cool as my uncle grew hot, assured her
he had a very great respect for Mr. Bramble, but he had still more for his own
honour, which had suffered pollution; but if that could be once purified, he
should have no further cause of dissatisfaction. - The 'squire said, he should
have thought it incumbent upon him to vindicate the lieutenant's honour; but as
he had now carved for himself, he might swallow and digest it as well as he
could - In a word, what betwixt the mediation of Mrs. Tabitha, the recollection
of the captain, who perceived he had gone too far, and the remonstrances of your
humble servant, who joined them at this juncture, those two originals were
perfectly reconciled; and then we proceeded to deliberate upon the means of
taking vengeance for the insults they had received from the petulant peer; for,
until that aim should be accomplished, Mr. Bramble swore, with great emphasis,
that he would not leave the inn where we now lodged, even if he should pass his
Christmas on the spot.
    In consequence of our deliberations, we next day, in the forenoon, proceeded
in a body to his lordship's house, all of us, with our servants, including the
coachman, mounted a-horseback, with our pistols loaded and ready primed. - Thus
prepared for action, we paraded solemnly and slowly before his lordship's gate,
which we passed three times in such a manner, that he could not but see us, and
suspect the cause of our appearance. - After dinner we returned, and performed
the same calvalcade, which was again repeated the morning following; but we had
no occasion to persist in these manoeuvres. - About noon, we were visited by the
gentleman, at whose house we had first seen lord Oxmington. - He now came to
make apologies in the name of his lordship, who declared he had no intention to
give offence to my uncle, in practising what had been always the custom of his
house; and that as for the indignities which had been put upon the officer, they
were offered without his lordship's knowledge, at the instigation of his valet
de chamber. - »If that be the case, (said my uncle, in a peremptory tone) I
shall be contented with lord Oxmington's personal excuses; and I hope my friend
will be satisfied with his lordship's turning that insolent rascal out of his
service.« »Sir, (cried Lismahago), I must insist upon taking personal vengeance
for the personal injuries I have sustained.«
    After some debate, the affair was adjusted in this manner. - His lordship,
meeting us at our friend's house, declared he was sorry for what had happened;
and that he had no intention to give umbrage. - The valet de chamber asked
pardon of the lieutenant upon his knees, when Lismahago, to the astonishment of
all present, gave him a violent kick on the face, which laid him on his back,
exclaiming in a furious tone, »Oui je te pardonne, gens foutre.«
    Such was the fortunate issue of this perilous adventure, which threatened
abundance of vexation to our family; for the 'squire is one of those who will
sacrifice both life and fortune, rather than leave what they conceive to be the
least speck or blemish upon their honour and reputation. His lordship had no
sooner pronounced his apology, with a very bad grace, than he went away in some
disorder, and, I dare say, he will never invite another Welchman to his table.
    We forthwith quitted the field of this atchievement, in order to prosecute
our journey; but we follow no determinate course. - We make small deviations, to
see the remarkable towns, villas, and curiosities on each side of our route; so
that we advance by slow steps towards the borders of Monmouthshire: but in the
midst of these irregular motions, there is no abberration nor eccentricity in
that affection with which I am, dear Wat,
Yours always,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Sept. 28.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Dick,
    At what time of life may a man think himself exempted from the necessity of
sacrificing his repose to the punctilios of a contemptible world? I have been
engaged in a ridiculous adventure, which I shall recount at meeting; and this, I
hope, will not be much longer delayed, as we have now performed almost all our
visits, and seen every thing that I think has any right to retard us in our
journey homewards - A few days ago, understanding by accident, that my old
friend Baynard was in the country, I would not pass so near his habitation
without paying him a visit, though our correspondence had been interrupted for a
long course of years.
    I felt myself very sensibly affected by the ideas of our past intimacy, as
we approached the place where we had spent so many happy days together; but when
we arrived at the house, I could not recognize any one of those objects, which
had been so deeply impressed upon my remembrance - The tall oaks that shaded the
avenue, had been cut down, and the iron gates at the end of it removed, together
with the high wall that surrounded the court yard. The house itself, which was
formerly a convent of Cistercian monks, had a venerable appearance; and along
the front that looked into the garden, was a stone gallery, which afforded me
many an agreeable walk, when I was disposed to be contemplative - Now the old
front is covered with a screen of modern architecture; so that all without is
Grecian, and all within Gothic - As for the garden, which was well stocked with
the best fruit which England could produce, there is not now the least vestige
remaining of trees, walls, or hedges - Nothing appears but a naked circus of
loose sand, with a dry basin and a leaden triton in the middle.
    You must know, that Baynard, at his father's death, had a clear estate of
fifteen hundred pounds a-year, and was in other respects extremely well
qualified to make a respectable figure in the commonwealth; but, what with some
excesses of youth, and the expense of a contested election, he in a few years
found himself encumbered with a debt of ten thousand pounds, which he resolved
to discharge by means of a prudent marriage - He accordingly married a miss
Thomson, whose fortune amounted to double the sum that he owed - She was the
daughter of a citizen, who had failed in trade; but her fortune came by an
uncle, who died in the East-Indies - Her own parents being dead, she lived with
a maiden aunt, who had superintended her education; and, in all appearance, was
well enough qualified for the usual purposes of the married state - Her virtues,
however, stood rather upon a negative, than a positive foundation - She was
neither proud, insolent, nor capricious, nor given to scandal, nor addicted to
gaming, nor inclined to gallantry - She could read, and write, and dance, and
sing, and play upon the harpsichord, and smatter French, and take a hand at
whist and ombre; but even these accomplishments she possessed by halves - She
excelled in nothing. Her conversation was flat, her stile mean, and her
expression embarrassed - In a word, her character was totally insipid. Her
person was not disagreeable; but there was nothing graceful in her address, nor
engaging in her manners; and she was so ill qualified to do the honours of the
house, that when she sat at the head of the table, one was always looking for
the mistress of the family in some other place.
    Baynard had flattered himself, that it would be no difficult matter to mould
such a subject after his own fashion, and that she would cheerfully enter into
his views, which were wholly turned to domestic happiness. He proposed to reside
always in the country, of which he was fond to a degree of enthusiasm, to
cultivate his estate, which was very improvable; to enjoy the exercise of rural
diversions; to maintain an intimacy of correspondence with some friends that
were settled in his neighbourhood; to keep a comfortable house, without
suffering his expense to exceed the limits of his income; and to find pleasure
and employment for his wife in the management and avocations of her own family -
This, however, was a visionary scheme, which he never was able to realize. His
wife was as ignorant as a new-born babe of every thing that related to the
conduct of a family; and she had no idea of a country life - Her understanding
did not reach so far as to comprehend the first principles of discretion; and,
indeed, if her capacity had been better than it was, her natural indolence would
not have permitted her to abandon a certain routine, to which she had been
habituated. She had not taste enough to relish any rational enjoyment; but her
ruling passion was vanity, not that species which arises from self-conceit of
superior accomplishments, but that which is of a bastard and idiot nature,
excited by show and ostentation, which implies not even the least consciousness
of any personal merit.
    The nuptial peal of noise and nonsense being rung out in all the usual
changes, Mr. Baynard thought it high time to make her acquainted with the
particulars of the plan which he had projected - He told her that his fortune,
though sufficient to afford all the comforts of life, was not ample enough to
command all the superfluities of pomp and pageantry, which, indeed, were equally
absurd and intolerable - He therefore hoped she would have no objection to their
leaving London in the spring, when he would take the opportunity to dismiss some
unnecessary domestics, whom he had hired for the occasion of their marriage -
She heard him in silence, and, after some pause, »So, (said she) I am to be
buried in the country!« He was so confounded at this reply, that he could not
speak for some minutes: at length he told her, he was much mortified to find he
had proposed any thing that was disagreeable to her ideas - »I am sure (added
he) I meant nothing more than to lay down a comfortable plan of living within
the bounds of our fortune, which is but moderate.« »Sir, (said she) you are the
best judge of your own affairs - My fortune, I know, does not exceed twenty
thousand pounds - Yet, even with that pittance, I might have had a husband who
would not have begrudged me a house in London -« »Good God! my dear, (cried poor
Baynard, in the utmost agitation) you don't think me so sordid - I only hinted
what I thought - But, I don't pretend to impose -« »Yes, sir, (resumed the lady)
it is your prerogative to command, and my duty to obey -«
    So saying, she burst into tears and retired to her chamber, where she was
joined by her aunt - He endeavoured to recollect himself, and act with vigour of
mind on this occasion; but was betrayed by the tenderness of his nature, which
was the greatest defect of his constitution. He found the aunt in tears, and the
niece in a fit, which held her the best part of eight hours, at the expiration
of which, she began to talk incoherently about death and her dear husband, who
had sat by her all this time, and now pressed her hand to his lips, in a
transport of grief and penitence for the offence he had given - From thence
forward, he carefully avoided mentioning the country; and they continued to be
sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of extravagance and dissipation,
leading what is called a fashionable life in town - About the latter end of
July, however, Mrs. Baynard, in order to exhibit a proof of conjugal obedience,
desired of her own accord, that they might pay a visit to his country house, as
there was no company left in London. He would have excused himself from this
excursion, which was no part of the oeconomical plan he had proposed; but she
insisted upon making this sacrifice to his taste and prejudices, and away they
went with such an equipage as astonished the whole country - All that remained
of the season was engrossed by receiving and returning visits in the
neighbourhood; and, in this intercourse, it was discovered, that sir John
Chickwell had a house-steward and one footman in livery more than the complement
of Mr. Baynard's household. This remark was made by the aunt at table, and
assented to by the husband, who observed that sir John Chickwell might very well
afford to keep more servants than were found in the family of a man who had not
half his fortune. Mrs. Baynard ate no supper that evening; but was seized with a
violent fit, which completed her triumph over the spirit of her consort. The two
supernumerary servants were added - The family plate was sold for old silver,
and a new service procured; fashionable furniture was provided, and the whole
house turned topsy turvy.
    At their return to London, in the beginning of winter, he, with a heavy
heart, communicated these particulars to me in confidence. Before his marriage,
he had introduced me to the lady as his particular friend; and I now offered in
that character, to lay before her the necessity of reforming her economy, if
she had any regard to the interest of her own family, or complaisance for the
inclinations of her husband - But Baynard declined my offer, on the supposition
that his wife's nerves were too delicate to bear expostulation; and that it
would only serve to overwhelm her with such distress as would make himself
miserable.
    Baynard is a man of spirit, and had she proved a termagant, he would have
known how to deal with her; but, either by accident or instinct, she fastened
upon the weak side of his soul, and held it so fast, that he has been in
subjection ever since - I afterwards advised him to carry her abroad to France
or Italy, where he might gratify her vanity for half the expense it cost him in
England; and this advice he followed accordingly - She was agreeably flattered
with the idea of seeing and knowing foreign parts, and foreign fashions; of
being presented to sovereigns, and living familiarly with princes. She forthwith
seized the hint which I had thrown out on purpose, and even pressed Mr. Baynard
to hasten his departure; so that in a few weeks they crossed the sea to France,
with a moderate train, still including the aunt; who was her bosom counsellor,
and abetted her in all her opposition to her husband's will - Since that period,
I have had little or no opportunity to renew our former correspondence - All
that I knew of his transactions, amounted to no more than that after an absence
of two years, they returned so little improved in economy, that they launched
out into new oceans of extravagance, which, at length, obliged him to mortgage
his estate - By this time she had bore him three children, of which the last
only survives, a puny boy of twelve or thirteen, who will be ruined in his
education by the indulgence of his mother.
    As for Baynard, neither his own good sense, nor the dread of indigence, nor
the consideration of his children, has been of force sufficient to stimulate him
into the resolution of breaking at once the shameful spell by which he seems
enchanted - With a taste capable of the most refined enjoyment, a heart glowing
with all the warmth of friendship and humanity, and a disposition strongly
turned to the more rational pleasures of a retired and country life, he is
hurried about in a perpetual tumult, amidst a mob of beings pleased with
rattles, baubles, and gew-gaws, so void of sense and distinction, that even the
most acute philosophy would find it a very hard task to discover for what wise
purpose of providence they were created - Friendship is not to be found; nor can
the amusements for which he sighs be enjoyed within the rotation of absurdity,
to which he is doomed for life. He has long resigned all views of improving his
fortune by management and attention to the exercise of husbandry, in which he
delighted; and as to domestic happiness, not the least glimpse of hope remains
to amuse his imagination. Thus blasted in all his prospects, he could not fail
to be overwhelmed with melancholy and chagrin, which have preyed upon his health
and spirits in such a manner, that he is now threatened with a consumption.
    I have given you a sketch of the man, whom the other day I went to visit -
At the gate we found a great number of powdered lacquies, but no civility -
After we had sat a considerable time in the coach, we were told, that Mr.
Baynard had rode out, and that his lady was dressing; but we were introduced to
a parlour, so very fine and delicate, that in all appearance it was designed to
be seen only, not inhabited. The chairs and couches were carved, gilt, and
covered with rich damask, so smooth and slick, that they looked as if they had
never been sat upon. There was no carpet on the floor; but the boards were
rubbed and waxed in such a manner, that we could not walk, but were obliged to
slide along them; and as for the stove, it was too bright and polished to be
polluted with sea-coal, or stained by the smoke of any gross material fire -
When we had remained above half an hour sacrificing to the inhospitable powers
in this temple of cold reception, my friend Baynard arrived, and understanding
we were in the house, made his appearance, so meagre, yellow, and dejected, that
I really should not have known him, had I met with him in any other place -
Running up to me, with great eagerness, he strained me in his embrace, and his
heart was so full, that for some minutes he could not speak - Having saluted us
all round, he perceived our uncomfortable situation, and conducting us into
another apartment, which had fire in the chimney, called for chocolate - Then,
withdrawing, he returned with a compliment from his wife, and, in the mean time,
presented his son Harry, a shambling, blear-eyed boy, in the habit of a hussar;
very rude, forward, and impertinent - His father would have sent him to a
boarding-school, but his mamma and aunt would not hear of his lying out of the
house; so that there was a clergyman engaged as his tutor in the family.
    As it was but just turned of twelve, and the whole house was in commotion to
prepare a formal entertainment, I foresaw it would be late before we dined, and
proposed a walk to Mr. Baynard, that we might converse together freely. In the
course of this perambulation, when I expressed some surprise that he had
returned so soon from Italy, he gave me to understand, that his going abroad had
not at all answered the purpose, for which he left England; that although the
expense of living was not so great in Italy as at home, respect being had to the
same rank of life in both countries, it had been found necessary for him to lift
himself above his usual stile, that he might be on some footing with the counts,
marquises, and cavalieres, with whom he kept company - He was obliged to hire a
great number of servants, to take off a great variety of rich clothes, and to
keep a sumptuous table for the fashionable scorocconi of the country; who,
without a consideration of this kind, would not have paid any attention to an
untitled foreigner, let his family or fortune be ever so respectable - Besides,
Mrs. Baynard was continually surrounded by a train of expensive loungers, under
the denominations of language-masters, musicians, painters, and ciceroni; and
had actually fallen into the disease of buying pictures and antiques upon her
own judgment, which was far from being infallible - At length she met with an
affront, which gave her a disgust to Italy, and drove her back to England with
some precipitation. By means of frequenting the dutchess of B--'s conversazione,
while her grace was at Rome, Mrs. Baynard became acquainted with all the
fashionable people of that city, and was admitted to their assemblies without
scruple - Thus favoured, she conceived too great an idea of her own importance,
and when the duchess left Rome, resolved to have a conversazione that should
leave the Romans no room to regret her grace's departure. She provided hands for
a musical entertainment, and sent biglietti of invitation to every person of
distinction; but not one Roman of the female sex appeared at her assembly - She
was that night seized with a violent fit, and kept her bed three days, at the
expiration of which she declared that the air of Italy would be the ruin of her
constitution. In order to prevent this catastrophe, she was speedily removed to
Geneva, from whence they returned to England by way of Lyons and Paris. By the
time they arrived at Calais, she had purchased such a quantity of silks, stuffs,
and laces, that it was necessary to hire a vessel to smuggle them over, and this
vessel was taken by a custom-house cutter; so that they lost the whole cargo,
which had cost them above eight hundred pounds.
    It now appeared, that her travels had produced no effect upon her, but that
of making her more expensive and fantastic than ever: - She affected to lead the
fashion, not only in point of female dress, but in every article of taste and
connoisseurship. She made a drawing of the new façade to the house in the
country; she pulled up the trees, and pulled down the walls of the garden, so as
to let in the easterly wind, which Mr. Baynard's ancestors had been at great
pains to exclude. To show her taste in laying out ground, she seized into her
own hand a farm of two hundred acres, about a mile from the house, which she
parcelled out into walks and shrubberies, having a great basin in the middle,
into which she poured a whole stream that turned two mills, and afforded the
best trout in the country. The bottom of the basin, however, was so ill secured,
that it would not hold the water, which strained through the earth, and made a
bog of the whole plantation: in a word, the ground which formerly paid him one
hundred and fifty pounds a year, now cost him two hundred pounds a year to keep
it in tolerable order, over and above the first expense of trees, shrubs,
flowers, turf, and gravel. There was not an inch of garden-ground left about the
house, nor a tree that produced fruit of any kind; nor did he raise a truss of
hay, or a bushel of oats for his horses, nor had he a single cow to afford milk
for his tea; far less did he ever dream of feeding his own mutton, pigs, and
poultry: every article of house-keeping, even the most inconsiderable, was
brought from the next market town, at the distance of five miles, and thither
they sent a courier every morning to fetch hot rolls for breakfast. In short,
Baynard fairly owned that he spent double his income, and that in a few years he
should be obliged to sell his estate for the payment of his creditors. He said
his wife had such delicate nerves, and such imbecillity of spirit, that she
could neither bear remonstrance, be it ever so gentle, nor practise any scheme
of retrenchment, even if she perceived the necessity of such a measure. He had
therefore ceased struggling against the stream, and endeavoured to reconcile
himself to ruin, by reflecting that his child at least, would inherit his
mother's fortune, which was secured to him by the contract of marriage.
    The detail which he gave me of his affairs, filled me at once with grief and
indignation. I inveighed bitterly against the indiscretion of his wife, and
reproached him with his unmanly acquiescence under the absurd tyranny which she
exerted. I exhorted him to recollect his resolution, and make one effectual
effort to disengage himself from a thraldom, equally shameful and pernicious. I
offered him all the assistance in my power. I undertook to regulate his affairs,
and even to bring about a reformation in his family, if he would only authorize
me to execute the plan I should form for his advantage. I was so affected by the
subject, that I could not help mingling tears with my remonstrances, and Baynard
was so penetrated with these marks of my affection, that he lost all power of
utterance. He pressed me to his breast with great emotion, and wept in silence.
At length he exclaimed, »Friendship is undoubtedly the most precious balm of
life! Your words, dear Bramble, have in a great measure recalled me from an
abyss of despondence, in which I have been long overwhelmed - I will, upon
honour, make you acquainted with a distinct state of my affairs, and, as far as
I am able to go, will follow the course you prescribe. But there are certain
lengths which my nature - The truth is, there are tender connexions, of which a
bachelor has no idea - Shall I own my weakness? I cannot bear the thoughts of
making that woman uneasy -« »And yet, (cried I) she has seen you unhappy for a
series of years - unhappy from her misconduct, without ever showing the least
inclination to alleviate your distress -« »Nevertheless (said he) I am persuaded
she loves me with the most warm affection; but these are incongruities in the
composition of the human mind which I hold to be inexplicable.«
    I was shocked at his infatuation, and changed the subject, after we had
agreed to maintain a close correspondence for the future - He then gave me to
understand, that he had two neighbours, who, like himself, were driven by their
wives at full speed, in the high road to bankruptcy and ruin. All the three
husbands were of dispositions very different from each other, and, according to
this variation, their consorts were admirably suited to the purpose of keeping
them alt three in subjection. The views of the ladies were exactly the same.
They vied in grandeur, that is, in ostentation, with the wife of Sir Charles
Chickwell, who had four times their fortune; and she again piqued herself upon
making an equal figure with a neighbouring peeress, whose revenue trebled her
own. Here then was the fable of the frog and the ox, realized in four different
instances within the same county: one large fortune, and three moderate estates,
in a fair way of being burst by the inflation of female vanity; and in three of
these instances, three different forms of female tyranny were exercised. Mr.
Baynard was subjugated by practising upon the tenderness of his nature. Mr.
Milksan, being of a timorous disposition, truckled to the insolence of a
termagant. Mr. Sowerby, who was of a temper neither to be moved by fits, nor
driven by menaces, had the fortune to be fitted with a helpmate, who assailed
him with the weapons of irony and satire; sometimes sneering in the way of
compliment; sometimes throwing out sarcastic comparisons, implying reproaches
upon his want of taste, spirit, and generosity: by which means she stimulated
his passions from one act of extravagance to another, just as the circumstances
of her vanity required.
    All these three ladies have at this time the same number of horses,
carriages, and servants in and out of livery; the same variety of dress; the
same quantity of plate and china; the like ornaments in furniture; and in their
entertainments they endeavour to exceed one another in the variety, delicacy,
and expense of their dishes. I believe it will be found upon enquiry, that
nineteen out of twenty, who are ruined by extravagance, fall a sacrifice to the
ridiculous pride and vanity of silly women, whose parts are held in contempt by
the very men whom they pillage and enslave. Thank heaven, Dick, that among all
the follies and weaknesses of human nature, I have not yet fallen into that of
matrimony.
    After Baynard and I had discussed all these matters at leisure, we returned
towards the house, and met Jery with our two women, who had come forth to take
the air, as the lady of the mansion had not yet made her appearance. In short,
Mrs. Baynard did not produce herself, till about a quarter of an hour before
dinner was upon the table. Then her husband brought her into the parlour,
accompanied by her aunt and son; and she received us with a coldness of reserve
sufficient to freeze the very soul of hospitality. Though she knew I had been
the intimate friend of her husband, and had often seen me with him in London,
she showed no marks of recognition or regard, when I addressed myself to her in
the most friendly terms of salutation. She did not even express the common
compliment of, I am glad to see you; or, I hope you have enjoyed your health
since we had the pleasure of seeing you; or some such words of course: nor did
she once open her mouth in the way of welcome to my sister and my niece: but sat
in silence like a statue, with an aspect of insensibility. Her aunt, the model
upon which she had been formed, was indeed the very essence of insipid
formality: but the boy was very pert and impudent, and prated without ceasing.
    At dinner, the lady maintained the same ungracious indifference, never
speaking but in whispers to her aunt; and as to the repast, it was made up of a
parcel of kickshaws, contrived by a French cook, without one substantial article
adapted to the satisfaction of an English appetite. The pottage was little
better than bread soaked in dishwashings, lukewarm. The ragouts looked as if
they had been once eaten and half digested: the fricassees were involved in a
nasty yellow poultice; and the rotis were scorched and stinking, for the honour
of the fumet. The desert consisted of faded fruit and iced froth, a good emblem
of our landlady's character; the table-beer was sour, the water foul, and the
wine vapid; but there was a parade of plate and china, and a powdered lacquey
stood behind every chair, except those of the master and mistress of the house,
who were served by two valets dressed like gentlemen. We dined in a large old
Gothic parlour, which was formerly the hall. It was now paved with marble, and,
notwithstanding the fire, which had been kindled about an hour, struck me with
such a chill sensation, that when I entered it the teeth chattered in my jaws -
In short, every thing was cold, comfortless, and disgusting, except the looks of
my friend Baynard, which declared the warmth of his affection and humanity.
    After dinner we withdrew into another apartment, where the boy began to be
impertinently troublesome to my niece Liddy. He wanted a play-fellow, forsooth;
and would have romped with her, had she encouraged his advances - He was even so
impudent as to snatch a kiss, at which she changed countenance, and seemed
uneasy; and though his father checked him for the rudeness of his behaviour, he
became so outrageous as to thrust his hand in her bosom: an insult to which she
did not tamely submit, though one of the mildest creatures upon earth. Her eyes
sparkling with resentment, she started up, and lent him such a box on the ear,
as sent him staggering to the other side of the room.
    »Miss Melford, (cried his father) you have treated him with the utmost
propriety - I am only sorry that the impertinence of any child of mine should
have occasioned this exertion of your spirit, which I cannot but applaud and
admire.« His wife was so far from assenting to the candour of his apology, that
she rose from table, and, taking her son by the hand, »Come, child, (said she)
your father cannot abide you.« So saying, she retired with this hopeful youth,
and was followed by her gouvernante: but neither the one nor the other deigned
to take the least notice of the company.
    Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted; but I perceived his uneasiness was
tinctured with resentment, and derived a good omen from this discovery. I
ordered the horses to be put to the carriage, and though he made some efforts to
detain us all night, I insisted upon leaving the house immediately; but, before
I went away, I took an opportunity of speaking to him again in private. I said
every thing I could recollect, to animate his endeavours in shaking off those
shameful trammels. I made no scruple to declare, that his wife was unworthy of
that tender complaisance which he had shown for her foibles: that she was dead
to all the genuine sentiments of conjugal affection; insensible of her own
honour and interest, and seemingly destitute of common sense and reflection. I
conjured him to remember what he owed to his father's house, to his own
reputation, and to his family, including even this unreasonable woman herself,
who was driving on blindly to her own destruction. I advised him to form a plan
for retrenching superfluous expense, and try to convince the aunt of the
necessity for such a reformation, that she might gradually prepare her niece for
its execution; and I exhorted him to turn that disagreeable piece of formality
out of the house, if he should find her averse to his proposal.
    Here he interrupted me with a sigh, observing that such a step would
undoubtedly be fatal to Mrs. Baynard - »I shall lose all patience, (cried I), to
hear you talk so weakly - Mrs. Baynard's fits will never hurt her constitution.
I believe in my conscience they are all affected: I am sure she has no feeling
for your distresses; and, when you are ruined, she will appear to have no
feeling for her own.« Finally, I took his word and honour, that he would make an
effort, such as I had advised; that he would form a plan of economy, and, if he
found it impracticable without my assistance, he would come to Bath in the
winter, where I promised to give him the meeting, and contribute all in my power
to the retrieval of his affairs - With this mutual engagement we parted, and I
shall think myself supremely happy, if, by my means, a worthy man, whom I love
and esteem, can be saved from misery, disgrace, and despair.
    I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the country, but he is
of a complexion very different from that of Baynard. You have heard me mention
Sir Thomas Bullford, whom I knew in Italy. He is now become a country gentleman;
but, being disabled by the gout from enjoying any amusement abroad, he
entertains himself within doors, by keeping open house for all comers, and
playing upon the oddities and humours of his company: but he himself is
generally the greatest original at his table. He is very good-humoured, talks
much, and laughs without ceasing. I am told that all the use he makes of his
understanding at present, is to excite mirth, by exhibiting his guests in
ludicrous attitudes. I know not how far we may furnish him with entertainment of
this kind, but I am resolved to beat up his quarters, partly with a view to
laugh with the knight himself, and partly to pay my respects to his lady, a
good-natured sensible woman, with whom he lives upon very easy terms, although
she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his estate.
    And now, dear Dick, I must tell you for your comfort, that you are the only
man upon earth to whom I would presume to send such a long-winded epistle, which
I could not find in my heart to curtail, because the subject interested the
warmest passions of my heart; neither will I make any other apology to a
correspondent who has been so long accustomed to the impertinence of
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Sept. 30.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Knight,
    I believe there is something mischievous in my disposition, for nothing
diverts me so much as to see certain characters tormented with false terrors. -
We last night lodged at the house of sir Thomas Bullford, an old friend of my
uncle, a jolly fellow, of moderate intellects, who, in spite of the gout, which
hath lamed him, is resolved to be merry to the last, and mirth he has a
particular knack in extracting from his guests, let their humour be never so
caustic or refractory. - Besides our company, there was in the house a
fat-headed justice of the peace, called Frogmore, and a country practitioner in
surgery, who seemed to be our landlord's chief companion and confidant. - We
found the knight sitting on a couch, with his crutches by his side, and his feet
supported on cushions; but he received us with a hearty welcome, and seemed
greatly rejoiced at our arrival. - After tea, we were entertained with a sonata
on the harpsichord by lady Bullford, who sung and played to admiration; but sir
Thomas seemed to be a little asinine in the article of ears, though he affected
to be in raptures, and begged his wife to favour us with an arietta of her own
composing. -- This arietta, however, she no sooner began to perform, than he and
the justice fell asleep; but the moment she ceased playing, the knight waked
snorting, and exclaimed, »O cara! what d'ye think, gentlemen? Will you talk any
more of your Pargolesi and your Corelli?« - At the same time, he thrust his
tongue in one cheek, and leered with one eye at the doctor and me, who sat on
his left hand. - He concluded the pantomime with a loud laugh, which he could
command at all times ex-tempore. - Notwithstanding his disorder, he did not do
penance at supper, nor did he ever refuse his glass when the toast went round,
but rather encouraged a quick circulation, both by precept and example.
    I soon perceived the doctor had made himself very necessary to the baronet.
- He was the whetstone of his wit, the butt of his satire, and his operator in
certain experiments of humour, which were occasionally tried upon strangers. -
Justice Frogmore was an excellent subject for this species of philosophy; sleek
and corpulent, solemn and shallow, he had studied Burn with uncommon
application, but he studied nothing so much as the art of living (that is,
eating) well. - This fat buck had often afforded good sport to our landlord; and
he was frequently started with tolerable success, in the course of this evening;
but the baronet's appetite for ridicule seemed to be chiefly excited by the
appearance, address, and conversation of Lismahago, whom he attempted in all the
different modes of exposition; but he put me in mind of a contest that I once
saw betwixt a young hound and an old hedge-hog - The dog turned him over and
over, and bounced, and barked, and mumbled; but as often as he attempted to
bite, he felt a prickle in his jaws, and recoiled in manifest confusion: - The
captain, when left to himself, will not fail to turn his ludicrous side to the
company, but if any man attempts to force him into that attitude, he becomes
stubborn as a mule, and unmanageable as an elephant unbroke.
    Divers tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice, who ate a most
unconscionable supper, and, among other things, a large plate of broiled
mushrooms, which he had no sooner swallowed than the doctor observed, with great
gravity, that they were of the kind called champignons, which in some
constitutions had a poisonous effect. - Mr. Frogmore, startled at this remark,
asked, in some confusion, why he had not been so kind as to give him that notice
sooner. - He answered, that he took it for granted, by his eating them so
heartily, that he was used to the dish; but as he seemed to be under some
apprehension, he prescribed a bumper of plague-water, which the justice drank
off immediately, and retired to rest, not without marks of terror and disquiet.
    At midnight we were shown to our different chambers, and in half an hour, I
was fast asleep in bed; but about three o'clock in the morning I was waked with
a dismal cry of Fire! and starting up, ran to the window in my shirt. - The
night was dark and stormy; and a number of people half-dressed ran backwards and
forwards thro' the court-yard, with links and lanthorns, seemingly in the utmost
hurry and trepidation. - Slipping on my clothes in a twinkling, I ran down
stairs, and, upon inquiry, found the fire was confined to a back-stair, which
led to a detached apartment where Lismahago lay. - By this time, the lieutenant
was alarmed by bawling at his window, which was in the second story, but he
could not find his clothes in the dark, and his room-door was locked on the
outside. - The servants called to him, that the house had been robbed; that,
without all doubt, the villains had taken away his clothes, fastened the door,
and set the house on fire, for the staircase was in flames. - In this dilemma
the poor lieutenant ran about the room naked like a squirrel in a cage, popping
out his head at the window between whiles, and imploring assistance. - At
length, the knight in person was brought out in his chair, attended by my uncle
and all the family, including our aunt Tabitha, who screamed, and cried, and
tore her hair, as if she had been distracted. - Sir Thomas had already ordered
his people to bring a long ladder, which was applied to the captain's window,
and now he exorted him earnestly to descend. - There was no need of much
rhetoric to persuade Lismahago, who forthwith made his exit by the window,
roaring all the time to the people below to hold fast the ladder.
    Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion, it was impossible to behold
this scene without being seized with an inclination to laugh. The rueful aspect
of the lieutenant in his shirt, with a quilted night-cap fastened under his
chin, and his long lank limbs and posteriors exposed to the wind, made a very
picturesque appearance, when illumined by the links and torches which the
servants held up to light him in his descent. - All the company stood round the
ladder, except the knight, who sat in his chair, exclaiming from time to time,
»Lord have mercy upon us! - save the gentleman's life! - mind your footing, dear
captain! - softly! - stand fast! - clasp the ladder with both hands! - there! -
well done, my dear boy! - O bravo! - an old soldier for ever! - bring a blanket
- bring a warm blanket to comfort his poor carcase - warm the bed in the green
room - give me your hand, dear captain - I'm rejoiced to see thee safe and sound
with all my heart.« Lismahago was received at the foot of the ladder by his
innamorata, who snatching a blanket from one of the maids, wrapped it about his
body; two men-servants took him under the arms, and a female conducted him to
the green room, still accompanied by Mrs. Tabitha, who saw him fairly put to
bed. - During this whole transaction, he spoke not a syllable, but looked
exceeding grim, sometimes at one, sometimes at another of the spectators, who
now adjourned in a body to the parlour where we had supped, every one surveying
another with marks of astonishment and curiosity.
    The knight being seated in an easy chair, seized my uncle by the hand, and
bursting into a long and loud laugh, »Matt, (cried he) crown me with oak, or
ivy, or laurel, or parsley, or what you will, and acknowledge this to be a coup
de maitre in the way of waggery - ha, ha, ha! - Such a camisicata, scagliata,
beffata! - O, che roba! - O, what a subject! - O, what caricatura! - O, for a
Rosa, a Rembrandt, a Schalken! - Zooks, I'll give a hundred guineas to have it
painted! - what a fine descent from the cross, or ascent to the gallows! - what
lights and shadows! - what a group below! - what expression above! - what an
aspect! - did you mind the aspect! - ha, ha, ha! - and the limbs, and the
muscles - every toe denoted terror! - ha, ha, ha! - then the blanket! - O, what
costume! St. Andrew! St. Lazarus! St. Barrabas! - ha, ha, ha!« »After all then,
(cried Mr. Bramble very gravely) this was no more than a false alarm. - We have
been frightened out of our beds, and almost out of our senses, for the joke's
sake.« »Ay, and such a joke! (cried our landlord) such a farce! such a
denouement! such a catastrophe!«
    »Have a little patience (replied our 'squire); we are not yet come to the
catastrophe; and pray God it may not turn out a tragedy instead of a farce. -
The captain is one of those saturnine subjects, who have no idea of humour. - He
never laughs in his own person; nor can he bear that other people should laugh
at his expense - Besides, if the subject had been properly chosen, the joke was
too severe in all conscience.« »'Sdeath! (cried the knight) I could not have
bated him an ace had he been my own father; and as for the subject, such another
does not present itself once in half a century.« Here Mrs. Tabitha interposing,
and bridling up, declared, she did not see that Mr. Lismahago was a fitter
subject for ridicule than the knight himself; and that she was very much afraid,
he would very soon find he had mistaken his man. - The baronet was a good deal
disconcerted by this intimation, saying, that he must be a Goth and a barbarian,
if he did not enter into the spirit of such a happy and humorous contrivance. -
He begged, however, that Mr. Bramble and his sister would bring him to reason;
and this request was reinforced by lady Bullford, who did not fail to read the
baronet a lecture upon his indiscretion, which lecture he received with
submission on one side of his face, and a leer upon the other.
    We now went to bed for the second time; and before I got up, my uncle had
visited Lismahago in the green room, and used such arguments with him, that when
we met in the parlour he seemed to be quite appeased. - He received the knight's
apology with a good grace, and even professed himself pleased at finding he had
contributed to the diversion of the company. - Sir Thomas shook him by the hand,
laughing heartily; and then desired a pinch of snuff, in token of perfect
reconciliation - The lieutenant, putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket,
pulled out, instead of his own Scotch mull, a very fine gold snuff-box, which he
no sooner perceived than he said, »Here is a small mistake.« »No mistake at all
(cried the baronet): a fair exchange is no robbery - Oblige me so far, captain,
as to let me keep your mull as a memorial.« »Sir, (said the lieutenant) the mull
is much at your service; but this machine I can by no means retain. - It looks
like compounding a sort of felony in the code of honour. - Besides, I don't know
but there may be another joke in this conveyance; and I don't find myself
disposed to be brought upon the stage again. - I won't presume to make free with
your pockets, but I beg you will put it up again with your own hand.« - So
saying, with a certain austerity of aspect, he presented the snuff-box to the
knight, who received it in some confusion, and restored the mull, which he would
by no means keep, except on the terms of exchange.
    This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the conversation, when my
uncle took notice that Mr. Justice Frogmore had not made his appearance either
at the night-alarm, or now at the general rendezvous. The baronet hearing
Frogmore mentioned, »Odso! (cried he) I had forgot the justice. - Pr'ythee,
doctor, go and bring him out of his kennel.« - Then laughing till his sides were
well shaken, he said he would show the captain that he was not the only person
of the drama exhibited for the entertainment of the company. As to the
night-scene, it could not affect the justice, who had been purposely lodged in
the farther end of the house, remote from the noise, and lulled with a dose of
opium into the bargain. In a few minutes, Mr. Justice was led into the parlour
in his nightcap and loose morning-gown, rolling his head from side to side, and
groaning piteously all the way. - »Jesu! neighbour Frogmore, (exclaimed the
baronet) what is the matter? - you look as if you was not a man for this world.
- Set him down softly on the couch - poor gentleman! Lord have mercy upon us! -
What makes him so pale, and yellow, and bloated?« »Oh, sir Thomas! (cried the
justice) I doubt 'tis all over with me - Those mushrooms I eat at your table
have done my business - ah! oh! hey!« »Now the Lord forbid! (said the other) -
what! man, have a good heart. - How does thy stomach feel? - hah?«
    To this interrogation he made no reply, but throwing aside his night gown,
discovered that his waistcoat would not meet upon his belly by five good inches
at least. »Heaven protect us all! (cried sir Thomas) - what a melancholy
spectacle! - never did I see a man so suddenly swelled, but when he was either
just dead, or just dying. - Doctor, can'st thou do nothing for this poor
object?« »I don't think the case is quite desperate (said the surgeon), but I
would advise Mr. Frogmore to settle his affairs with all expedition; the parson
may come and pray by him, while I prepare a glyster and an emetic draught.« The
justice, rolling his languid eyes, ejaculated with great fervency, »Lord, have
mercy upon us! Christ, have mercy upon us!« - Then he begged the surgeon, in the
name of God, to dispatch - »As for my worldly affairs, (said he) they are all
settled but one mortgage, which must be left to my heirs - but my poor soul! my
poor soul! what will become of my poor soul? - miserable sinner that I am!«
»Nay, pr'ythee, my dear boy, compose thyself (resumed the knight); consider the
mercy of heaven is infinite; thou can'st not have any sins of a very deep dye on
thy conscience, or the devil's in't.« »Name not the devil (exclaimed the
terrified Frogmore), I have more sins to answer for than the world dreams of. -
Ah! friend, I have been sly - sly - damn'd sly! - Send for the parson without
loss of time, and put me to bed, for I am posting to eternity.« - He was
accordingly raised from the couch, and supported by two servants, who led him
back to his room; but before he quitted the parlour, he entreated the good
company to assist him with their prayers. - He added, »Take warning by me, who
am suddenly cut off in my prime, like a flower of the field; and God forgive
you, sir Thomas, for suffering such poisonous trash to be eaten at your table.«
    He was no sooner removed out of hearing, than the baronet abandoned himself
to a violent fit of laughing, in which he was joined by the greatest part of the
company; but we could hardly prevent the good lady from going to undeceive the
patient, by discovering, that while he slept his waistcoat had been straitened
by the contrivance of the surgeon; and that the disorder in his stomach and
bowels was occasioned by some antimonial wine, which he had taken over night,
under the denomination of plague-water. - She seemed to think that his
apprehension might put an end to his life: the knight swore he was no such
chicken, but a tough old rogue, that would live long enough to plague all his
neighbours. - Upon enquiry, we found his character did not intitle him to much
compassion or respect, and therefore we let our landlord's humour take its
course. - A glyster was actually administered by an old woman of the family, who
had been sir Thomas's nurse, and the patient took a draught made with oxymel of
squills to forward the operation of the antimonial wine, which had been retarded
by the opiate of the preceding night. He was visited by the vicar, who read
prayers, and began to take an account of the state of his soul, when those
medicines produced their effect; so that the parson was obliged to hold his nose
while he poured forth spiritual consolation from his mouth. The same expedient
was used by the knight and me, who, with the doctor, entered the chamber at this
juncture, and found Frogmore enthroned on an easing-chair, under the pressure of
a double evacuation. The short intervals betwixt every heave he employed in
crying for mercy, confessing his sins, or asking the vicar's opinion of his
case; and the vicar answered, in a solemn snuffling tone, that heightened the
ridicule of the scene. The emetic having done its office, the doctor interfered,
and ordered the patient to be put in bed again. When he examined the egista, and
felt his pulse, he declared that much of the virus was discharged, and, giving
him a composing draught, assured him he had good hopes of his recovery. - This
welcome hint he received with the tears of joy in his eyes, protesting, that if
he should recover, he would always think himself indebted for his life to the
great skill and tenderness of his doctor, whose hand he squeezed with great
fervour; and thus he was left to his repose.
    We were pressed to stay dinner, that we might be witnesses of his
resuscitation; but my uncle insisted upon our departing before noon, that we
might reach this town before it should be dark. - In the mean time, lady
Bullford conducted us into the garden to see a fish-pond just finished, which
Mr. Bramble censured as being too near the parlour, where the knight now sat by
himself, dozing in an elbow-chair after the fatigues of his morning
atchievement. - In this situation he reclined, with his feet wrapped in flannel,
and supported in a line with his body, when the door flying open with a violent
shock, lieutenant Lismahago rushed into the room with horror in his looks,
exclaiming, »A mad dog! a mad dog!« and throwing up the window sash, leaped into
the garden. - Sir Thomas, waked by this tremendous exclamation, started up, and
forgetting his gout, followed the lieutenant's example by a kind of instinctive
impulse. - He not only bolted thro' the window like an arrow from a bow, but ran
up to his middle in the pond before he gave the least sign of recollection. Then
the captain began to bawl, »Lord, have mercy upon us! - pray, take care of the
gentleman! - for God's sake, mind your footing, my dear boy! - get warm blankets
- comfort his poor carcase - warm the bed in the green room.«
    Lady Bullford was thunder-struck at this phænomenon, and the rest of the
company gazed in silent astonishment, while the servants hastened to assist
their master, who suffered himself to be carried back into the parlour without
speaking a word. - Being instantly accommodated with dry clothes and flannels,
comforted with a cordial, and replaced in statu quo, one of the maids was
ordered to chafe his lower extremities, an operation in consequence of which his
senses seemed to return and his good humour to revive. - As we had followed him
into the room, he looked at every individual in his turn, with a certain
ludicrous expression in his countenance, but fixed his eye in particular upon
Lismahago, who presented him with a pinch of snuff, and when he took it in
silence, »Sir Thomas Bullford, (said he) I am much obliged to you for all your
favours, and some of them I have endeavoured to repay in your own coin.« »Give
me thy hand (cried the baronet); thou hast indeed paid me Scot and lot; and even
left a balance in my hands, for which, in presence of this company, I promise to
be accountable.« - So saying, he laughed very heartily, and even seemed to enjoy
the retaliation which had been exacted at his own expense; but lady Bullford
looked very grave; and in all probability thought the lieutenant had carried his
resentment too far, considering that her husband was valetudinary - but,
according to the proverb, he that will play at bowls must expect to meet with
rubbers.
    I have seen a tame bear, very diverting when properly managed, become a very
dangerous wild beast when teized for the entertainment of the spectators. - As
for Lismahago, he seemed to think the fright and the cold bath would have a good
effect upon his patient's constitution; but the doctor hinted some apprehension
that the gouty matter might, by such a sudden shock, be repelled from the
extremities and thrown upon some of the more vital parts of the machine. - I
should be very sorry to see this prognostic verified upon our facetious
landlord, who told Mrs. Tabitha at parting, that he hoped she would remember him
in the distribution of the bride's favours, as he had taken so much pains to put
the captain's pans and mettle to the proof. - After all, I am afraid our 'squire
will appear to be the greatest sufferer by the baronet's wit; for his
constitution is by no means calculated for night-alarms. - He has yawned and
shivered all day, and gone to bed without supper; so that, as we have got into
good quarters, I imagine we shall make a halt to-morrow; in which case, you will
have at least one day's respite from the persecution of
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Oct. 3.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Dear Mary Jones,
    Miss Liddy is so good as to unclose me in a kiver as fur as Gloster, and the
carrier will bring it to hand - God send us all safe to Monmouthshire, for I'm
quite jaded with rambling - 'Tis a true saying, live and learn - O woman, what
chuckling and changing have I seen! - Well, there's nothing certain in this
world - Who would have thought that mistriss, after all the pains taken for the
good of her prusias sole, would go for to throw away her poor body? that she
would cast the heys of infection upon such a carrying-crow as Lashmihago! as old
as Matthewsullin, as dry as a red herring, and as pore as a starved veezel - O,
Molly! hadst thou seen him come down the ladder, in a shurt so scanty, that it
could not kiver his nakedness! - The young 'squire called him Dunquickset; but
he looked for all the world like Cradoc-ap Morgan, the ould tinker, that
suffered at Abergany for steeling of kettle - Then he's a profane scuffle, and,
as Mr. Clinker says, no better than an impfiddle, continually playing upon the
pyebill and the new-burth - I doubt he has as little manners as money; for he
can't say a civil word, much more make me a present of a pair of gloves for
good-will; but he looks as if he wanted to be very fore-wood and familiar - O!
that ever a gentlewoman of years and discretion should tare her air, and cry and
disporridge herself for such a nubjack! as the song goes -
 
I vow she wou'd fain have a burd
That bids such a price for an owl.
 
but, for certain, he must have dealt with some Scotch musician to bring her to
this pass - As for me, I put my trust in the Lord; and I have got a slice of
witch elm sowed in the gathers of my under petticoat; and Mr. Clinker assures
me, that by the new light of grease, I may deify the devil and all his works -
But I nose what I nose - If mistress should take up with Lashmyhago, this is no
service for me - Thank God, there's no want of places; and if it wan't for wan
thing, I would - but, no matter - Madam Baynar's woman has twenty good pounds
a-year and parquisites; and dresses like a parson of distinkson - I dined with
her and the valley de shambles, with bags and golden jackets; but there was
nothing kimfittable to eat, being as how they live upon board, and having
nothing but a piss of could cuddling tart and some blamangey, I was tuck with
the cullick, and a murcy it was that mistress had her viol of assings in the
cox.
    But, as I was saying, I think for certain this match will go fore-wood; for
things are come to a creesus; and I have seen with my own hays, such smuggling -
But I scorn for to exclose the secrets of the family; and if it wance comes to
marrying, who nose but the frolick may go round - I believes as how, Miss Liddy
would have no reversion if her swan would appear; and you would be surprised,
Molly, to receive a bride's fever from your humble sarvant - but this is all
suppository, dear girl; and I have sullenly promised to Mr. Clinker, that
neither man, woman, nor child, shall no that arrow said a civil thing to me in
the way of infection - I hopes to drink your health at Brambleton-hall, in a
horn of October, before the month be out - Pray let my bed be turned once a-day,
and the windore opened, while the weather is dry; and burn a few billets with
some brush in the footman's garret, and see their mattrash be dry as a bone; for
both our gentlemen have got a sad could by lying in damp shits at sir Tummas
Ballfart's. No more at present, but my service to Saul and the rest of our
fellow-sarvents, being,
Dear Mary Jones,
always yours,
                                                                    WIN. JENKINS
    Oct. 4.
 

                     To Miss Lætitia Willis, at Gloucester

My dear Letty,
    This method of writing to you from time to time, without any hopes of an
answer, affords me, I own, some ease and satisfaction in the midst of my
disquiet, as it in some degree lightens the burden of affliction; but it is at
best a very imperfect enjoyment of friendship, because it admits of no return of
confidence and good counsel - I would give the whole world to have your company
for a single day - I am heartily tired of this itinerant way of life - I am
quite dizzy with a perpetual succession of objects - Besides it is impossible to
travel such a length of way, without being exposed to inconveniences, dangers,
and disagreeable accidents, which prove very grievous to a poor creature of weak
nerves like me, and make me pay very dear for the gratification of my curiosity.
    Nature never intended me for the busy world - I long for repose and
solitude, where I can enjoy that disinterested friendship which is not to be
found among crouds, and indulge those pleasing reveries that shun the hurry and
tumult of fashionable society - Unexperienced as I am in the commerce of life, I
have seen enough to give me a disgust to the generality of those who carry it on
- There is such malice, treachery, and dissimulation, even among professed
friends and intimate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous mind with
horror; and when Vice quits the stage for a moment, her place is immediately
occupied by Folly, which is often too serious to excite any thing but compassion
- Perhaps I ought to be silent on the foibles of my poor aunt; but with you, my
dear Willis, I have no secrets; and, truly, her weaknesses are such as cannot be
concealed. Since the first moment we arrived at Bath, she has been employed
constantly in spreading nets for the other sex; and, at length, she has caught a
superannuated lieutenant, who is in a fair way to make her change her name - My
uncle and my brother seem to have no objection to this extraordinary match,
which, I make no doubt, will afford abundance of matter of conversation and
mirth; for my part, I am too sensible of my own weaknesses, to be diverted with
those of other people - At present, I have something at heart that employs my
whole attention, and keeps my mind in the utmost terror and suspense.
    Yesterday in the forenoon, as I stood with my brother at the parlour-window
of an inn, where we had lodged, a person passed a-horse back, whom (gracious
Heaven!) I instantly discovered to be Wilson! He wore a white riding-coat, with
the cape buttoned up to his chin; looked remarkably pale, and passed at a round
trot, without seeming to observe us - Indeed, he could not see us; for there was
a blind that concealed us from the view. You may guess how I was affected at
this apparition - The light forsook my eyes; and I was seized with such a
palpitation and trembling, that I could not stand. I sat down upon a couch, and
strove to compose myself, that my brother might not perceive my agitation; but
it was impossible to escape his prying eyes - He had observed the object that
alarmed me; and, doubtless, knew him at the first glance - He now looked at me
with a stern countenance; then he ran out into the street, to see what road the
unfortunate horseman had taken - He afterwards dispatched his man for further
intelligence, and seemed to meditate some violent design. My uncle, being out of
order, we remained another night at the inn; and all day long Jery acted the
part of an indefatigable spy upon my conduct - He watched my very looks with
such eagerness of attention, as if he would have penetrated into the utmost
recesses of my heart - This may be owing to his regard for my honour, if it is
not the effect of his own pride; but he is so hot, and violent, and unrelenting,
that the sight of him alone throws me into a flutter; and really it will not be
in my power to afford him any share of my affection, if he persists in
persecuting me at this rate. I am afraid he has formed some scheme of vengeance,
which will make me completely wretched! I am afraid he suspects some collusion
from this appearance of Wilson. - Good God! did he really appear? or was it only
a phantom, a pale spectre to apprise me of his death?
    O Letty, what shall I do? - where shall I turn for advice and consolation? -
shall I implore the protection of my uncle, who has been always kind and
compassionate. - This must be my last resource. - I dread the thoughts of making
him uneasy; and would rather suffer a thousand deaths than live the cause of
dissension in the family. - I cannot perceive the meaning of Wilson's coming
hither: - perhaps, he was in quest of us, in order to disclose his real name and
situation: - but wherefore pass without staying to make the least inquiry? - My
dear Willis, I am lost in conjecture. - I have not closed an eye since I saw
him. - All night long have I been tossed about from one imagination to another.
- The reflection finds no resting place. - I have prayed, and sighed, and wept
plentifully. - If this terrible suspense continues much longer, I shall have
another fit of illness, and then the whole family will be in confusion. - If it
was consistent with the wise purposes of Providence, would I were in my grave. -
But it is my duty to be resigned. - My dearest Letty, excuse my weakness -
excuse these blots - my tears fall so fast that I cannot keep the paper dry -
yet I ought to consider that I have as yet no cause to despair - but I am such a
faint-hearted timorous creature!
    Thank God, my uncle is much better than he was yesterday. - He is resolved
to pursue our journey strait to Wales. - I hope we shall take Gloucester in our
way - that hope chears my poor heart - I shall once more embrace my best beloved
Willis, and pour all my griefs into her friendly bosom. - O heaven! is it
possible that such happiness is reserved for
The dejected and forlorn
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Oct. 4.
 

             To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

Dear Watkin,
    I yesterday met with an incident which I believe you will own to be very
surprising - As I stood with Liddy at the window of the inn where we had lodged,
who should pass by but Wilson a-horseback! - I could not be mistaken in the
person, for I had a full view of him as he advanced; I plainly perceived by my
sister's confusion that she recognized him at the same time. I was equally
astonished and incensed at his appearance, which I could not but interpret into
an insult, or something worse. I ran out at the gate, and, seeing him turn the
corner of the street, I dispatched my servant to observe his motions, but the
fellow was too late to bring me that satisfaction. He told me, however, that
there was an inn, called the Red Lion, at that end of the town, where he
supposed the horseman had alighted, but that he would not enquire without
further orders. I sent him back immediately to know what strangers were in the
house, and he returned with a report that there was one Mr. Wilson lately
arrived. In consequence of this information I charged him with a note directed
to that gentleman, desiring him to meet me in half an hour in a certain field at
the town's end, with a case of pistols, in order to decide the difference which
could not be determined at our last rencounter: but I did not think proper to
subscribe the billet. My man assured me he had delivered it into his own hand;
and, that having read it, he declared he would wait upon the gentleman at the
place and time appointed.
    M'Alpine being an old soldier, and luckily sober at the time, I entrusted
him with my secret. I ordered him to be within call, and having given him a
letter to be delivered to my uncle in case of accident, I repaired to the
rendezvous, which was an enclosed field at a little distance from the highway. I
found my antagonist had already taken his ground, wrapped in a dark horseman's
coat, with a laced hat flapped over his eyes; but what was my astonishment,
when, throwing off this wrapper, he appeared to be a person whom I had never
seen before! He had one pistol stuck in a leather belt, and another in his hand
ready for action, and, advancing a few steps, called to know if I was ready - I
answered, »No,« and desired a parley; upon which he turned the muzzle of his
piece towards the earth; then replaced it in his belt, and met me half way -
When I assured him he was not the man I expected to meet, he said, It might be
so: that he had received a slip of paper directed to Mr. Wilson, requesting him
to come hither; and that as there was no other in the place of that name, he
naturally concluded the note was intended for him, and him only - I then gave
him to understand, that I had been injured by a person who assumed that name,
which person I had actually seen within the hour, passing through the street on
horseback; that hearing there was a Mr. Wilson at the Red Lion, I took it for
granted he was the man, and in that belief had writ the billet; and I expressed
my surprise, that he, who was a stranger to me and my concerns, should give me
such a rendezvous, without taking the trouble to demand a previous explanation -
He replied, that there was no other of his name in the whole county; that no
such horseman had alighted at the Red Lion since nine o'clock, when he arrived -
that having had the honour to serve his majesty, he thought he could not
decently decline any invitation of this kind, from what quarter soever it might
come; and that if any explanation was necessary, it did not belong to him to
demand it, but to the gentleman who summoned him into the field - Vexed as I was
at this adventure, I could not help admiring the coolness of this officer, whose
open countenance prepossessed me in his favour. - He seemed to be turned of
forty; wore his own short black hair, which curled naturally about his ears, and
was very plain in his apparel - When I begged pardon for the trouble I had given
him, he received my apology with great good humour. - He told me that he lived
about ten miles off, at a small farm-house, which would afford me tolerable
lodging, if I would come and take the diversion of hunting with him for a few
weeks; in which case we might, perhaps, find out the man who had given me
offence - I thanked him very sincerely for his courteous offer, which, I told
him, I was not at liberty to accept at present, on account of my being engaged
in a family partie; and so we parted, with mutual professions of good will and
esteem.
    Now tell me, dear knight, what am I to make of this singular adventure? - Am
I to suppose that the horseman I saw was really a thing of flesh and blood, or a
bubble that vanished into air? - or must I imagine Liddy knows more of the
matter than she chooses to disclose? - If I thought her capable of carrying on
any clandestine correspondence with such a fellow, I should at once discard all
tenderness, and forget that she was connected with me by the ties of blood - But
how is it possible that a girl of her simplicity and inexperience, should
maintain such an intercourse, surrounded, as she is with so many eyes, destitute
of all opportunity, and shifting quarters every day of her life! - Besides, she
has solemnly promised - No - I can't think the girl so base - so insensible to
the honour of her family. - What disturbs me chiefly, is the impression which
these occurrences seem to make upon her spirits - These are the symptoms from
which I conclude that the rascal has still a hold on her affection - surely I
have a right to call him a rascal, and to conclude that his designs are infamous
- But it shall be my fault if he does not one day repent his presumption - I
confess I cannot think, much less write on this subject, with any degree of
temper or patience; I shall therefore conclude with telling you, that we hope to
be in Wales by the latter end of the month: but before that period you will
probably hear again from
your affectionate
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Oct. 4.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Phillips,
    When I wrote you by last post, I did not imagine I should be tempted to
trouble you again so soon: but I now sit down with a heart so full that it
cannot contain itself; though I am under such agitation of spirits, that you are
to expect neither method or connexion in this address - We have been this day
within a hair's breadth of losing honest Matthew Bramble, in consequence of a
cursed accident, which I will endeavour to explain. - In crossing the country to
get into the post road, it was necessary to ford a river, and we that were
a-horseback passed without any danger or difficulty; but a great quantity of
rain having fallen last night and this morning, there was such an accumulation
of water, that a mill-head gave way, just as the coach was passing under it, and
the flood rushed down with such impetuosity, as first floated, and then fairly
overturned the carriage in the middle of the stream - Lismahago and I, and the
two servants, alighting instantaneously, ran into the river to give all the
assistance in our power. - Our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, who had the good fortune to
be uppermost, was already half way out of the coach window, when her lover
approaching, disengaged her entirely; but, whether his foot splipped, or the
burden was too great, they fell over head and ears in each other's arms. He
endeavoured more than once to get up, and even to disentangle himself from her
embrace, but she hung about his neck like a millstone, (no bad emblem of
matrimony), and if my man had not proved a staunch auxiliary, those two lovers
would in all probability have gone hand in hand to the shades below - For my
part, I was too much engaged to take any cognizance of their distress. - I
snatched out my sister by the hair of the head, and, dragging her to the bank,
recollected that my uncle had not yet appeared - Rushing again into the stream,
I met Clinker hauling ashore Mrs. Jenkins, who looked like a mermaid with her
hair dishevelled about her ears; but, when I asked if his master was safe, he
forthwith shook her from him, and she must have gone to pot, if a miller had not
seasonably come to her relief. - As for Humphry, he flew like lightning to the
coach, that was by this time filled with water, and, diving into it, brought up
the poor 'squire, to all appearance, deprived of life - It is not in my power to
describe what I felt at this melancholy spectacle - it was such an agony as
baffles all description! The faithful Clinker, taking him up in his arms, as if
he had been an infant of six months, carried him ashore, howling most piteously
all the way, and I followed him in a transport of grief and consternation - When
he was laid upon the grass, and turned from side to side, a great quantity of
water ran out at his mouth, then he opened his eyes, and fetched a deep sigh -
Clinker perceiving these signs of life, immediately tied up his arm with a
garter, and, pulling out a horse-fleam, let him blood in the farrier style. - At
first a few drops only issued from the orifice; but the limb being chafed, in a
little time the blood began to flow in a continued stream, and he uttered some
incoherent words, which were the most welcome sounds that ever saluted my ear.
There was a country inn hard by, the landlord of which had by this time come
with his people to give their assistance. - Thither my uncle being carried, was
undressed and put to bed, wrapped in warm blankets; but having been moved too
soon, he fainted away, and once more lay without sense or motion,
notwithstanding all the efforts of Clinker and the landlord, who bathed his
temples with Hungary water, and held a smelling-bottle to his nose. As I had
heard of the efficacy of salt in such cases, I ordered all that was in the house
to be laid under his head and body; and whether this application had the desired
effect, or nature of herself prevailed, he, in less than a quarter of an hour,
began to breathe regularly, and soon retrieved his recollection, to the
unspeakable joy of all the by-standers. As for Clinker, his brain seemed to be
affected. - He laughed, and wept, and danced about in such a distracted manner,
that the landlord very judiciously conveyed him out of the room. My uncle,
seeing me dropping wet, comprehended the whole of what had happened, and asked
if all the company was safe? - Being answered in the affirmative, he insisted
upon my putting on dry clothes; and, having swallowed a little warm wine,
desired he might be left to his repose. Before I went to shift myself, I
inquired about the rest of the family - I found Mrs. Tabitha, still delirious
from her fright, discharging very copiously the water she had swallowed. She was
supported by the captain, distilling drops from his uncurled periwig, so lank
and so dank, that he looked like father Thames without his sedges, embracing
Isis, while she cascaded in his urn. Mrs. Jenkins was present also, in a loose
bed-gown, without either cap or handkerchief; but she seemed to be as little
compos mentis as her mistress, and acted so many cross purposes in the course of
her attendance, that, between the two, Lismahago had occasion for all his
philosophy. As for Liddy, I thought the poor girl would have actually lost her
senses. The good-woman of the house had shifted her linen, and put her into bed;
but she was seized with the idea that her uncle had perished, and in this
persuasion made a dismal out-cry; nor did she pay the least regard to what I
said, when I solemnly assured her he was safe. Mr. Bramble hearing the noise,
and being informed of her apprehension, desired she might be brought into his
chamber; and she no sooner received this intimation, than she ran thither half
naked, with the wildest expression of eagerness in her countenance - Seeing the
'squire sitting up in the bed, she sprung forwards, and, throwing her arms about
his neck, exclaimed in a most pathetic tone, »Are you - Are you indeed my uncle
- My dear uncle! - My best friend! My father! - Are you really living? or is it
an illusion of my poor brain?« Honest Matthew was so much affected, that he
could not help shedding tears, while he kissed her forehead, saying, »My dear
Liddy, I hope I shall live long enough to show how sensible I am of your
affection - But your spirits are fluttered, child - You want rest - Go to bed
and compose yourself -« »Well, I will (she replied) - but still methinks this
cannot be real - The coach was full of water - My uncle was under us all -
Gracious God! - You was under water - How did you get out? - tell me that? or I
shall think this is all a deception -« »In what manner I was brought out, I know
as little as you do, my dear (said the 'squire); and, truly, that is a
circumstance of which I want to be informed.« I would have given him a detail of
the whole adventure, but he would not hear me until I should change my clothes;
so that I had only time to tell him, that he owed his life to the courage and
fidelity of Clinker; and having given him this hint, I conducted my sister to
her own chamber.
    This accident happened about three o'clock in the afternoon, and in little
more than an hour the hurricane was all over; but as the carriage was found to
be so much damaged, that it could not proceed without considerable repairs, a
blacksmith and wheelwright were immediately sent for to the next market-town,
and we congratulated ourselves upon being housed at an inn, which, though remote
from the post-road, afforded exceeding good lodging. The women being pretty well
composed, and the men all a-foot, my uncle sent for his servant, and, in the
presence of Lismahago and me, accosted him in these words - »So, Clinker, I find
you are resolved I shan't die by water - As you have fished me up from the
bottom at your own risk, you are at least entitled to all the money that was
in my pocket, and there it is -« So saying, he presented him with a purse
containing thirty guineas, and a ring nearly of the same value - »God forbid!
(cried Clinker) your honour shall excuse me - I am a poor fellow; but I have a
heart - O! if your honour did but know how I rejoice to see - Blessed be his
holy name, that made me the humble instrument - But as for the lucre of gain, I
renounce it - I have done no more than my duty - No more than I would have done
for the most worthless of my fellow-creatures - No more than I would have done
for captain Lismahago, or Archy Macalpine, or any sinner upon earth - But for
your worship, I would go through fire as well as water -« »I do believe it,
Humphry (said the 'squire); but as you think it was your duty to save my life at
the hazard of your own, I think it is mine to express the sense I have of your
extraordinary fidelity and attachment - I insist upon your receiving this small
token of my gratitude; but don't imagine that I look upon this as an adequate
recompense for the service you have done me - I have determined to settle thirty
pounds a-year upon you for life; and I desire these gentlemen will bear witness
to this my intention, of which I have a memorandum in my pocket-book.« »Lord
make me thankful for all these mercies! (cried Clinker, sobbing) I have been a
poor bankrupt from the beginning - your honour's goodness found me, when I was -
naked - when I was - sick and forlorn - I understand your honour's looks - I
would not give offence - but my heart is very full - and if your worship won't
give me leave to speak, - I must vent it in prayers to heaven for my
benefactor.« When he quitted the room, Lismahago said, he should have a much
better opinion of his honesty, if he did not whine and cant so abominably; but
that he had always observed those weeping and praying fellows were hypocrites at
bottom. Mr. Bramble made no reply to this sarcastic remark, proceeding from the
lieutenant's resentment of Clinker's having, in pure simplicity of heart, ranked
him with M'Alpine and the sinners of the earth. - The landlord being called to
receive some orders about the beds, told the 'squire that his house was very
much at his service, but he was sure he should not have the honour to lodge him
and his company. He gave us to understand that his master, who lived hard by,
would not suffer us to be at a public house, when there was accommodation for us
at his own; and that, if he had not dined abroad in the neighbourhood he would
have undoubtedly come to offer his services at our first arrival. He then
launched out in praise of that gentleman, whom he had served as butler,
representing him as a perfect miracle of goodness and generosity. He said he was
a person of great learning, and allowed to be the best farmer in the country: -
that he had a lady who was as much beloved as himself, and an only son, a very
hopeful young gentleman, just recovered from a dangerous fever, which had like
to have proved fatal to the whole family; for, if the son had died, he was sure
the parents would not have survived their loss - He had not yet finished the
encomium of Mr. Dennison, when this gentleman arrived in a post-chaise, and his
appearance seemed to justify all that had been said in his favour. He is pretty
well advanced in years, but hale, robust, and florid, with an ingenuous
countenance, expressive of good sense and humanity. Having condoled with us on
the accident which had happened, he said he was come to conduct us to his
habitation, where we should be less incommoded than at such a paltry inn, and
expressed his hope that the ladies would not be the worse for going thither in
his carriage, as the distance was not above a quarter of a mile. My uncle having
made a proper return to this courteous exhibition, eyed him attentively and then
asked if he had not been at Oxford, a commoner of Queen's college? When Mr.
Dennison answered, »Yes,« with some marks of surprise - »Look at me then (said
our 'squire) and let us see if you can recollect the features of an old friend,
whom you have not seen these forty years.« - The gentleman, taking him by the
hand, and gazing at him earnestly, - »I protest, (cried he,) I do think I recall
the idea of Matthew Loyd of Glamorganshire, who was student of Jesus.« »Well
remembered, my dear friend, Charles Dennison, (exclaimed my uncle, pressing him
to his breast), I am that very identical Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan.« Clinker,
who had just entered the room with some coals for the fire, no sooner heard
these words, than, throwing down the scuttle on the toes of Lismahago, he began
to caper as if he was mad, crying - »Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan! - O Providence!
- Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan!« - Then, clasping my uncle's knees, he went on in
this manner - »Your worship must forgive me - Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan! - O
Lord, Sir! - I can't contain myself! - I shall lose my senses -« »Nay, thou hast
lost them already, I believe, (said the 'squire peevishly) prithee Clinker be
quiet - What is the matter?« - Humphry, fumbling in his bosom, pulled out an old
wooden snuff-box, which he presented in great trepidation to his master, who,
opening it immediately, perceived a small cornelian seal, and two scraps of
paper - At sight of these articles he started, and changed colour, and, casting
his eye upon the inscriptions - »Ha! - how! - what! - where! (cried he) is the
person here named?« Clinker, knocking his own breast, could hardly pronounce
these words - »Here - here - here is Matthew Loyd, as the certificate sheweth -
Humphry Clinker was the name of the farrier that took me 'prentice« - »And who
gave you these tokens,« - said my uncle, hastily - »My poor mother on her
deathbed« - replied the other - »And who was your mother?« »Dorothy Twyford, an
please your honour, heretofore barkeeper at the Angel at Chippenham.« - »And why
were not these tokens produced before?« »My mother told me she had wrote to
Glamorganshire, at the time of my birth, but had no answer; and that afterwards,
when she made enquiry, there was no such person in that county.« »And so in
consequence of my changing my name and going abroad at that very time, thy poor
mother and thou have been left to want and misery - I am really shocked at the
consequence of my own folly.« - Then, laying his hand on Clinker's head, he
added, »Stand forth, Matthew Loyd - You see, gentlemen, how the sins of my youth
rise up in judgment against me - Here is my direction written with my own hand,
and a seal which I left at the woman's request; and this is a certificate of the
child's baptism, signed by the curate of the parish.« The company were not a
little surprised at this discovery, upon which Mr. Dennison facetiously
congratulated both the father and the son: for my part, I shook my new-found
cousin heartily by the hand, and Lismahago complimented him with the tears in
his eyes, for he had been hopping about the room, swearing in broad Scotch, and
bellowing with the pain occasioned by the fall of the coal-scuttle upon his
foot. He had even vowed to drive the saul out of the body of that mad rascal:
but, perceiving the unexpected turn which things had taken, he wished him joy of
his good fortune, observing that it went very near his heart, as he was like to
be a great toe out of pocket by the discovery - Mr. Dennison now desired to know
for what reason my uncle had changed the name by which he knew him at Oxford,
and our 'squire satisfied him, by answering to this effect. - »I took my
mother's name, which was Loyd, as heir to her lands in Glamorganshire; but, when
I came of age, I sold that property, in order to clear my paternal estate, and
resumed my real name; so that I am now Matthew Bramble, of Brambleton-hall in
Monmouthshire, at your service; and this is my nephew, Jeremy Melford of
Belfield, in the county of Glamorgan.« At that instant the ladies entering the
room, he presented Mrs. Tabitha as his sister, and Liddy as his niece. The old
gentleman saluted them very cordially, and seemed struck with the appearance of
my sister, whom he could not help surveying with a mixture of complacency and
surprise - »Sister, (said my uncle) there is a poor relation that recommends
himself to your good graces - The quondam Humphry Clinker is metamorphosed into
Matthew Loyd; and claims the honour of being your carnal kinsman - in short, the
rogue proves to be a crab of my own planting in the days of hot blood and
unrestrained libertinism.« Clinker had by this time dropped upon one knee, by the
side of Mrs. Tabitha, who, eyeing him askance, and flirting her fan with marks
of agitation, thought proper, after some conflict, to hold out her hand for him
to kiss, saying, with a demure aspect, »Brother, you have been very wicked: but
I hope you'll live to see the folly of your ways - I am very sorry to say the
young man, whom you have this day acknowledged, has more grace and religion, by
the gift of God, than you with all your profane learning, and repeated
opportunity - I do think he has got the trick of the eye, and the tip of the
nose of my uncle Loyd of Flluydwellyn; and as for the long chin, it is the very
moral of the governor's - Brother, as you have changed his name pray change his
dress also; that livery doth not become any person that hath got our blood in
his veins.« - Liddy seemed much pleased with this acquisition to the family. -
She took him by the hand, declaring she should always be proud to own her
connexion with a virtuous young man, who had given so many proofs of his
gratitude and affection to her uncle. - Mrs. Winifred Jenkins, extremely
fluttered between her surprise at this discovery, and the apprehension of losing
her sweetheart, exclaimed in a giggling tone, - »I wish you joy, Mr. Clinker -
Floyd - I would say - hi, hi, hi! - you'll be so proud you won't look at your
poor fellow servants, oh, oh, oh!« Honest Clinker owned he was overjoyed at his
good fortune, which was greater than he deserved - »But wherefore should I be
proud? (said he) a poor object conceived in sin, and brought forth in iniquity,
nursed in a parish work-house, and bred in a smithy - Whenever I seem proud,
Mrs. Jenkins, I beg of you to put me in mind of the condition I was in, when I
first saw you between Chippenham and Marlborough.«
    When this momentous affair was discussed to the satisfaction of all parties
concerned, the weather being dry, the ladies declined the carriage; so that we
walked all together to Mr. Dennison's house, where we found the tea ready
prepared by his lady, an amiable matron, who received us with all the
benevolence of hospitality. - The house is old fashioned and irregular, but
lodgeable and commodious. To the south it has the river in front, at the
distance of a hundred paces; and on the north, there is a rising-ground, covered
with an agreeable plantation; the greens and walks are kept in the nicest order,
and all is rural and romantic. I have not yet seen the young gentleman, who is
on a visit to a friend in the neighbourhood, from whose house he is not expected
'till tomorrow.
    In the mean time, as there is a man going to the next market-town with
letters for the post, I take this opportunity to send you the history of this
day, which has been remarkably full of adventures; and you will own I give you
them like a beef-steak at Dolly's, hot and hot, without ceremony and parade,
just as they come from the recollection of
Yours,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Dick,
    Since the last trouble I gave you, I have met with a variety of incidents,
some of them of a singular nature, which I reserve as a fund for conversation;
but there are others so interesting, that they will not keep in petto till
meeting.
    Know then, it was a thousand pounds to a sixpence, that you should now be
executing my will, instead of perusing my letter! Two days ago, our coach was
overturned in the midst of a rapid river, where my life was saved with the
utmost difficulty, by the courage, activity, and presence of mind of my servant
Humphry Clinker - But this is not the most surprising circumstance of the
adventure - The said Humphry Clinker proves to be Matthew Loyd, natural son of
one Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan, if you know any such person - You see, Doctor,
that notwithstanding all your philosophy, it is not without some reason that we
Welchmen ascribe such energy to the force of blood - But we shall discuss this
point on some future occasion.
    This is not the only discovery which I made in consequence of our disaster -
We happened to be wrecked upon a friendly shore - The lord of the manor is no
other than Charles Dennison, our fellow-rake at Oxford - We are now happily
housed with that gentleman, who has really attained to that pitch of rural
felicity, at which I have been aspiring these twenty years in vain. He is
blessed with a consort, whose disposition is suited to his own in all respects;
tender, generous, and benevolent - She, moreover, possesses an uncommon share of
understanding, fortitude, and discretion, and is admirably qualified to be his
companion, confidant, counsellor, and coadjutrix. These excellent persons have
an only son, about nineteen years of age, just such a youth as they could have
wished that Heaven would bestow to fill up the measure of their enjoyment - In a
word, they know no other allay to their happiness, but their apprehension and
anxiety about the life and concerns of this beloved object.
    Our old friend, who had the misfortune to be a second brother, was bred to
the law, and even called to the bar; but he did not find himself qualified to
shine in that province, and had very little inclination for his profession - He
disobliged his father, by marrying for love, without any consideration of
fortune; so that he had little or nothing to depend upon for some years but his
practice, which afforded him a bare subsistence; and the prospect of an
increasing family, began to give him disturbance and disquiet. In the mean time,
his father dying, was succeeded by his elder brother, a fox-hunter and a sot,
who neglected his affairs, insulted and oppressed his servants, and in a few
years had well nigh ruined the estate, when he was happily carried off by a
fever, the immediate consequence of a debauch. Charles, with the approbation of
his wife, immediately determined to quit business, and retire into the country,
although this resolution was strenuously and zealously opposed by every
individual, whom he consulted on the subject. Those who had tried the
experiment, assured him that he could not pretend to breathe in the country for
less than the double of what his estate produced; that, in order to be upon the
footing of a gentleman, he would be obliged to keep horses, hounds, carriages,
with a suitable number of servants, and maintain an elegant table for the
entertainment of his neighbours; that farming was a mystery, known only to those
who had been bred up to it from the cradle, the success of it depending not only
upon skill and industry, but also upon such attention and economy as no
gentleman could be supposed to give or practise; accordingly, every attempt made
by gentlemen miscarried, and not a few had been ruined by their prosecution of
agriculture - Nay, they affirmed that he would find it cheaper to buy hay and
oats for his cattle, and to go to market for poultry, eggs, kitchen herbs, and
roots, and every the most inconsiderable article of house-keeping, than to have
those articles produced on his own ground.
    These objections did not deter Mr. Dennison, because they were chiefly
founded on the supposition, that he would be obliged to lead a life of
extravagance and dissipation, which he and his consort equally detested,
despised, and determined to avoid - The objects he had in view, were health of
body, peace of mind, and the private satisfaction of domestic quiet, unallayed
by actual want, and uninterrupted by the fears of indigence - He was very
moderate in his estimate of the necessaries, and even of the comforts of life -
He required nothing but wholesome air, pure water, agreeable exercise, plain
diet, convenient lodging, and decent apparel. He reflected, that if a peasant
without education, or any great share of natural sagacity, could maintain a
large family, and even become opulent upon a farm, for which he paid an annual
rent of two or three hundred pounds to the landlord, surely he himself might
hope for some success from his industry, having no rent to pay, but, on the
contrary, three or four hundred pounds a-year to receive - He considered, that
the earth was an indulgent mother, that yielded her fruits to all her children
without distinction. He had studied the theory of agriculture with a degree of
eagerness and delight; and he could not conceive there was any mystery in the
practice, but what he should be able to disclose by dint of care and
application. With respect to household expense, he entered into a minute detail
and investigation, by which he perceived the assertions of his friends were
altogether erroneous - He found he should save sixty pounds a-year in the single
article of house-rent, and as much more in pocket-money and contingencies; that
even butcher's-meat was twenty per cent. cheaper in the country than in London;
but that poultry, and almost every other circumstance of house-keeping, might be
had for less than one half of what they cost in town; besides, a considerable
saving on the side of dress, in being delivered from the oppressive imposition
of ridiculous modes, invented by ignorance, and adopted by folly.
    As to the danger of vying with the rich in pomp and equipage, it never gave
him the least disturbance. He was now turned of forty, and, having lived half
that time in the busy scenes of life, was well skilled in the science of
mankind. There cannot be in nature a more contemptible figure than that of a
man, who with five hundred a year presumes to rival in expense a neighbour who
possesses five times that income - His ostentation, far from concealing, serves
only to discover his indigence, and render his vanity the more shocking; for it
attracts the eyes of censure, and excites the spirit of inquiry. There is not a
family in the county, nor a servant in his own house, nor a farmer in the
parish, but what knows the utmost farthing that his lands produce, and all these
behold him with scorn or compassion. I am surprised that these reflections do
not occur to persons in this unhappy dilemma, and produce a salutary effect; but
the truth is, of all the passions incident to human nature, vanity is that which
most effectually perverts the faculties of the understanding; nay, it sometimes
becomes so incredibly depraved, as to aspire at infamy, and find pleasure in
bearing the stigmas of reproach.
    I have now given you a sketch of the character and situation of Mr.
Dennison, when he came down to take possession of this estate; but as the
messenger, who carries the letters to the next town is just setting off, I shall
reserve what further I have to say on this subject, till the next post, when you
shall certainly hear from
Yours always,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Oct. 8.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Once more, dear doctor, I resume the pen for your amusement. - It was on the
morning after our arrival that, walking out with my friend, Mr. Dennison, I
could not help breaking forth into the warmest expressions of applause at the
beauty of the scene, which is really enchanting; and I signified, in particular,
how much I was pleased with the disposition of some detached groves, that
afforded at once shelter and ornament to his habitation.
    »When I took possession of these lands, about two and twenty years ago,
(said he) there was not a tree standing within a mile of the house, except those
of an old neglected orchard, which produced nothing but leaves and moss. - It
was in the gloomy month of November, when I arrived, and found the house in such
a condition, that it might have been justly stiled the tower of desolation. -
The court-yard was covered with nettles and docks, and the garden exhibited such
a rank plantation of weeds as I had never seen before; - the window-shutters
were falling in pieces; - the sashes broken; - and owls and jack-daws had taken
possession of the chimnies. - The prospect within was still more dreary. - All
was dark, and damp, and dirty beyond description; - the rain penetrated in
several parts of the roof; - in some apartments the very floors had given way; -
the hangings were parted from the walls, and shaking in mouldy remnants; - the
glasses were dropping out of their frames; - the family-pictures were covered
with dust; - and all the chairs and tables worm-eaten and crazy. - There was not
a bed in the house that could be used, except one old-fashioned machine, with a
high-gilt tester, and fringed curtains of yellow mohair, which had been, for
aught I know, two centuries in the family. - In short, there was no furniture
but the utensils of the kitchen; and the cellar afforded nothing but a few empty
butts and barrels, that stunk so abominably, that I would not suffer any body to
enter it until I had flashed a considerable quantity of gunpowder to qualify the
foul air within.
    An old cottager and his wife, who were hired to lie in the house, had left
it with precipitation, alleging, among other causes of retreat, that they could
not sleep for frightful noises, and that my poor brother certainly walked after
his death. - In a word, the house appeared uninhabitable; the barn, stable, and
out-houses were in ruins; all the fences broken down, and the fields lying
waste.
    The farmer who kept the key never dreamed I had any intention to live upon
the spot. - He rented a farm of sixty pounds, and his lease was just expiring. -
He had formed a scheme of being appointed bailiff to the estate, and of
converting the house and the adjacent grounds to his own use. - A hint of his
intention I received from the curate at my first arrival; I therefore did not
pay much regard to what he said by way of discouraging me from coming to settle
in the country; but I was a little startled when he gave me warning that he
should quit the farm at the expiration of his lease, unless I would abate
considerably in the rent.
    At this period I accidentally became acquainted with a person, whose
friendship laid the foundation of all my prosperity. In the next market-town, I
chanced to dine at an inn with a Mr. Wilson, who was lately come to settle in
the neighbourhood. - He had been lieutenant of a man of war: but quitted the sea
in some disgust, and married the only daughter of farmer Bland, who lives in
this parish, and has acquired a good fortune in the way of husbandry. - Wilson
is one of the best natured men I ever knew; brave, frank, obliging, and
ingenuous. - He liked my conversation; I was charmed with his liberal manner; an
acquaintance immediately commenced, and this was soon improved into a friendship
without reserve. - There are characters which, like similar particles of matter,
strongly attract each other. - He forthwith introduced me to his father-in-law,
farmer Bland, who was well acquainted with every acre of my estate, of
consequence well qualified to advise me on this occasion. - Finding I was
inclined to embrace a country life, and even to amuse myself with the
occupations of farming, he approved of my design - He gave me to understand that
all my farms were under-lett; that the estate was capable of great improvement;
that there was plenty of chalk in the neighbourhood; and that my own ground
produced excellent marle for manure. - With respect to the farm, which was like
to fall into my hands, he said he would willingly take it at the present rent;
but at the same time owned, that if I would expend two hundred pounds in
enclosure, it would be worth more than double the sum.
    Thus encouraged, I began the execution of my scheme without further delay,
and plunged into a sea of expense, though I had no fund in reserve, and the
whole produce of the estate did not exceed three hundred pounds a year. - In one
week, my house was made weather-tight, and thoroughly cleansed from top to
bottom; then it was well ventilated by throwing all the doors and windows open,
and making blazing fires of wood in every chimney from the kitchen to the
garrets. - The floors were repaired, the sashes new glazed, and out of the old
furniture of the whole house, I made shift to fit up a parlour and three
chambers in a plain yet decent manner. - The court-yard was cleared of weeds and
rubbish, and my friend Wilson charged himself with the dressing of the garden;
bricklayers were set at work upon the barn and stable; and labourers engaged to
restore the fences, and begin the work of hedging and ditching, under the
direction of farmer Bland, at whose recommendation I hired a careful hind to lie
in the house, and keep constant fires in the apartments.
    Having taken these measures, I returned to London, where I forthwith sold
off my household-furniture, and, in three weeks from my first visit, brought my
wife hither to keep her Christmas. - Considering the gloomy season of the year,
the dreariness of the place, and the decayed aspect of our habitation, I was
afraid that her resolution would sink under the sudden transition from a
town-life to such a melancholy state of rustication; but I was agreeably
disappointed. - She found the reality less uncomfortable than the picture I had
drawn. - By this time, indeed, things were mended in appearance. - The
out-houses had risen out of their ruins; the pigeon-house was rebuilt, and
replenished by Wilson, who also put my garden in decent order, and provided a
good stock of poultry, which made an agreeable figure in my yard; and the house,
on the whole, looked like the habitation of human creatures. - Farmer Bland
spared me a milch-cow for my family, and an ordinary saddle-horse for my servant
to go to market at the next town. - I hired a country lad for a footman; the
hind's daughter was my house-maid, and my wife had brought a cook-maid from
London.
    Such was my family when I began house-keeping in this place, with three
hundred pounds in my pocket, raised from the sale of my superfluous furniture -
I knew we should find occupation enough through the day to employ our time; but
I dreaded the long winter evenings; yet for these too we found a remedy. - The
curate, who was a single man, soon became so naturalized to the family, that he
generally lay in the house; and his company was equally agreeable and useful. -
He was a modest man, a good scholar, and perfectly well qualified to instruct me
in such country matters as I wanted to know. - Mr. Wilson brought his wife to
see us, and she became so fond of Mrs. Dennison, that she said she was never so
happy as when she enjoyed the benefit of her conversation. - She was then a fine
buxom country lass, exceedingly docile, and as good-natured as her husband Jack
Wilson; so that a friendship ensued among the women, which hath continued to
this day.
    As for Jack, he hath been my constant companion, counsellor, and commissary.
- I would not for a hundred pounds you should leave my house without seeing him.
- Jack is an universal genius - his talents are really astonishing - He is an
excellent carpenter, joiner, and turner, and a cunning artist in iron and brass.
- He not only superintended my economy, but also presided over my pastimes. -
He taught me to brew beer, to make cyder, perry, mead, usquebaugh, and
plague-water; to cook several outlandish delicacies, such as ollas, pepper-pots,
pillaws, corys, chabobs, and stufatas. - He understands all manner of games,
from chess down to chuck-farthing, sings a good song, plays upon the violin, and
dances a hornpipe with surprising agility. - He and I walked, and rode, and
hunted, and fished together, without minding the vicissitudes of the weather;
and I am persuaded, that in a raw, moist climate, like this of England,
continual exercise is as necessary as food to the preservation of the
individual. - In the course of two and twenty years, there has not been one
hour's interruption or abatement in the friendship subsisting between Wilson's
family and mine; and, what is a rare instance of good fortune, that friendship
is continued to our children. - His son and mine are nearly of the same age and
the same disposition; they have been bred up together at the same school and
college, and love each other with the warmest affection.
    By Wilson's means, I likewise formed an acquaintance with a sensible
physician, who lives in the next market-town; and his sister, an agreeable old
maiden, passed the Christmas holidays at our house. - Meanwhile I began my
farming with great eagerness, and that very winter planted these groves that
please you so much. - As for the neighbouring gentry, I had no trouble from that
quarter during my first campaign; they were all gone to town before I settled in
the country; and by the summer I had taken measures to defend myself from their
attacks. - When a gay equipage came to my gates, I was never at home; those who
visited me in a modest way, I received; and according to the remarks I made on
their characters and conversation, either rejected their advances, or returned
their civility. - I was in general despised among the fashionable company, as a
low fellow, both in breeding and circumstances; nevertheless, I found a few
individuals of moderate fortune, who gladly adopted my stile of living; and many
others would have acceded to our society, had they not been prevented by the
pride, envy, and ambition of their wives and daughters. - Those, in times of
luxury and dissipation, are the rocks upon which all the small estates in the
country are wrecked.
    I reserved in my own hands, some acres of ground adjacent to the house, for
making experiments in agriculture, according to the directions of Lyle, Tull,
Hart, Duhamel, and others who have written on this subject; and qualified their
theory with the practical observations of farmer Bland, who was my great master
in the art of husbandry. - In short, I became enamoured of a country life; and
my success greatly exceeded my expectation. - I drained bogs, burned heath,
grubbed up furze and fern; I planted copse and willows where nothing else would
grow; I gradually enclosed all my farms, and made such improvements, that my
estate now yields me clear twelve hundred pounds a year. - All this time my wife
and I have enjoyed uninterrupted health, and a regular flow of spirits, except
on a very few occasions, when our cheerfulness was invaded by such accidents as
are inseparable from the condition of life. - I lost two children in their
infancy, by the small-pox, so that I have one son only, in whom all our hopes
are centred. - He went yesterday to visit a friend, with whom he has stayed all
night, but he will be here to dinner. - I shall this day have the pleasure of
presenting him to you and your family; and I flatter myself you will find him
not altogether unworthy of our affection.
    The truth is, either I am blinded by the partiality of a parent, or he is a
boy of a very amiable character; and yet his conduct has given us unspeakable
disquiet. - You must know, we had projected a match between him and a
gentleman's daughter in the next county, who will in all probability be heiress
of a considerable fortune; but, it seems, he had a personal disgust to the
alliance. - He was then at Cambridge, and tried to gain time on various
pretences; but being pressed in letters by his mother and me to give a
definitive answer, he fairly gave his tutor the slip, and disappeared about
eight months ago. - Before he took this rash step, he wrote me a letter,
explaining his objections to the match, and declaring, that he would keep
himself concealed until he should understand that his parents would dispense
with his contracting an engagement that must make him miserable for life, and he
prescribed the form of advertising in a certain newspaper, by which he might be
apprised of our sentiments on this subject.
    You may easily conceive how much we were alarmed and afflicted by this
elopement, which he had made without dropping the least hint to his companion
Charles Wilson, who belonged to the same college. - We resolved to punish him
with the appearance of neglect, in hopes that he would return of his own accord;
but he maintained his purpose till the young lady chose a partner for herself;
then he produced himself, and made his peace by the mediation of Wilson. -
Suppose we should unite our families by joining him with your niece, who is one
of the most lovely creatures I ever beheld. - My wife is already as fond of her
as if she were her own child, and I have a presentiment that my son will be
captivated by her at first sight.« »Nothing could be more agreeable to all our
family (said I) than such an alliance; but, my dear friend, candour obliges me
to tell you, that I am afraid Liddy's heart is not wholly disengaged - there is
a cursed obstacle -« »You mean the young stroller at Gloucester (said he) - You
are surprised that I should know this circumstance; but you will be more
surprised when I tell you, that stroller is no other than my son George Dennison
- That was the character he assumed in his eclipse.« »I am, indeed, astonished
and overjoyed, (cried I) and shall be happy beyond expression to see your
proposal take effect.«
    He then gave me to understand that the young gentleman, at his emerging from
concealment, had disclosed his passion for Miss Melford, the niece of Mr.
Bramble of Monmouthshire. Though Mr. Dennison little dreamed that this was his
old friend Matthew Loyd, he nevertheless furnished his son with proper
credentials, and he had been at Bath, London, and many other places in quest of
us, to make himself and his pretentions known. - The bad success of his enquiry
had such an effect upon his spirits, that immediately at his return he was
seized with a dangerous fever, which overwhelmed his parents with terror and
affliction; but he was now happily recovered, though still weak and
disconsolate. My nephew joining us in our walk, I informed him of these
circumstances, with which he was wonderfully pleased. He declared he would
promote the match to the utmost of his power, and that he longed to embrace
young Mr. Dennison as his friend and brother. - Mean while, the father went to
desire his wife to communicate this discovery gradually to Liddy, that her
delicate nerves might not suffer too sudden a shock; and I imparted the
particulars to my sister Tabby, who expressed some surprise, not altogether
unmixed, I believe, with an emotion of envy; for, though she could have no
objection to an alliance at once so honourable and advantageous, she hesitated
in giving her consent, on pretence of the youth and inexperience of the parties:
at length, however, she acquiesced, in consequence of having consulted with
captain Lismahago.
    Mr. Dennison took care to be in the way when his son arrived at the gate,
and, without giving him time or opportunity to make any enquiry about the
strangers, brought him upstairs to be presented to Mr. Loyd and his family - The
first person he saw, when he entered the room, was Liddy, who, notwithstanding
all her preparation, stood trembling in the utmost confusion - At sight of this
object he was fixed motionless to the floor, and gazing at her with the utmost
eagerness of astonishment, exclaimed, »Sacred heaven! what is this! - ha!
wherefore -.« Here his speech failing, he stood straining his eyes, in the most
emphatic silence - »George (said his father) this is my friend Mr. Loyd.« Roused
at this intimation, he turned and received my salute, when I said, »Young
gentleman, if you had trusted me with your secret at our last meeting, we should
have parted upon better terms.« Before he could make any answer, Jery came round
and stood before him with open arms. - At first, he started and changed colour;
but after a short pause, he rushed into his embrace, and they hugged one another
as if they had been intimate friends from their infancy: then he payed his
respects to Mrs. Tabitha, and advancing to Liddy, »Is it possible, (cried he)
that my senses do not play me false! - that I see Miss Melford under my father's
roof - that I am permitted to speak to her without giving offence - and that her
relations have honoured me with their countenance and protection.« Liddy
blushed, and trembled, and faltered - »To be sure, sir, (said she) it is a very
surprising circumstance - a great - a providential - I really know not what I
say - but I beg you will think I have said what's agreeable.«
    Mrs. Dennison interposing said, »Compose yourselves, my dear children. -
Your mutual happiness shall be our peculiar care.« The son going up to his
mother, kissed one hand; my niece bathed the other with her tears; and the good
old lady pressed them both in their turns to her breast. - The lovers were too
much affected to get rid of their embarrassment for one day; but the scene was
much enlivened by the arrival of Jack Wilson, who brought, as usual, some game
of his own killing - His honest countenance was a good letter of recommendation.
- I received him like a dear friend after a long separation; and I could not
help wondering to see him shake Jery by the hand as an old acquaintance. - They
had, indeed, been acquainted some days, in consequence of a diverting incident,
which I shall explain at meeting. - That same night a consultation was held upon
the concerns of the lovers, when the match was formally agreed to, and all the
marriage-articles were settled without the least dispute. - My nephew and I
promised to make Liddy's fortune five thousand pounds. Mr. Dennison declared, he
would make over one half of his estate immediately to his son, and that his
daughter-in-law should be secured in a jointure of four hundred. - Tabby
proposed, that, considering their youth, they should undergo one year at least
of probation before the indissoluble knot should be tied; but the young
gentleman being very impatient and importunate, and the scheme implying that the
young couple should live in the house, under the wings of his parents, we
resolved to make them happy without further delay.
    As the law requires that the parties should be some weeks resident in the
parish, we shall stay here till the ceremony is performed. - Mr. Lismahago
requests that he may take the benefit of the same occasion; so that next Sunday
the banns will be published for all four together. - I doubt, I shall not be
able to pass my Christmas with you at Brambleton-hall. - Indeed, I am so
agreeably situated in this place, that I have no desire to shift my quarters;
and I foresee, that when the day of separation comes, there will be abundance of
sorrow on all sides. - In the mean time, we must make the most of those
blessings which heaven bestows. - Considering how you are tethered by your
profession, I cannot hope to see you so far from home; yet the distance does not
exceed a summer-day's journey, and Charles Dennison, who desires to be
remembered to you, would be rejoiced to see his old compotator; but as I am now
stationary, I expect regular answers to the epistles of
Yours invariably,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Oct. 11.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Wat,
    Every day is now big with incident and discovery - Young Mr. Dennison proves
to be no other than that identical person whom I have execrated so long, under
the name of Wilson - He had eloped from college at Cambridge, to avoid a match
that he detested, and acted in different parts of the country as a stroller,
until the lady in question made choice of a husband for herself; then he
returned to his father, and disclosed his passion for Liddy, which met with the
approbation of his parents, though the father little imagined that Mr. Bramble
was his old companion Matthew Loyd. The young gentleman, being impowered to make
honourable proposals to my uncle and me, had been in search of us all over
England, without effect; and he it was whom I had seen pass on horseback by the
window of the inn, where I stood with my sister, but he little dreamed that we
were in the house - As for the real Mr. Wilson, whom I called forth to combat,
by mistake, he is the neighbour and intimate friend of old Mr. Dennison, and
this connexion had suggested to the son the idea of taking that name while he
remained in obscurity.
    You may easily conceive what pleasure I must have felt on discovering that
the honour of our family was in no danger from the conduct of a sister, whom I
love with uncommon affection; that, instead of debasing her sentiments and views
to a wretched stroller, she had really captivated the heart of a gentleman, her
equal in rank and superior in fortune; and that, as his parents approved of his
attachment, I was on the eve of acquiring a brother-in-law so worthy of my
friendship and esteem. George Dennison is, without all question, one of the most
accomplished young fellows in England. His person is at once elegant and manly,
and his understanding highly cultivated. Tho' his spirit is lofty, his heart is
kind; and his manner so engaging, as to command veneration and love, even from
malice and indifference. When I weigh my own character with his, I am ashamed to
find myself so light in the balance; but the comparison excites no envy - I
propose him as a model for imitation - I have endeavoured to recommend myself to
his friendship, and hope I have already found a place in his affection. I am,
however, mortified to reflect what flagrant injustice we every day commit, and
what absurd judgment we form, in viewing objects through the falsifying medium
of prejudice and passion. Had you asked me a few days ago, the picture of Wilson
the player, I should have drawn a portrait very unlike the real person and
character of George Dennison - Without all doubt, the greatest advantage
acquired in travelling and perusing mankind in the original, is that of
dispelling those shameful clouds that darken the faculties of the mind,
preventing it from judging with candour and precision.
    The real Wilson is a great original, and the best tempered, companionable
man I ever knew - I question if ever he was angry or low-spirited in his life.
He makes no pretensions to letters; but he is an adept in every thing else that
can be either useful or entertaining. Among other qualifications, he is a
complete sportsman, and counted the best shot in the county. He and Dennison,
and Lismahago and I, attended by Clinker, went a-shooting yesterday, and made
great havoc among the partridges - To-morrow we shall take the field against
the wood-cocks and snipes. In the evening we dance and sing, or play at
commerce, loo, and quadrille.
    Mr. Dennison is an elegant poet, and has written some detached pieces on the
subject of his passion for Liddy, which must be very flattering to the vanity of
a young woman - Perhaps he is one of the greatest theatrical geniuses that ever
appeared. He sometimes entertains us with reciting favourite speeches from our
best plays. We are resolved to convert the great hall into a theatre, and get up
the Beaux Stratagem without delay - I think I shall make no contemptible figure
in the character of Scrub; and Lismahago will be very great in Captain Gibbet -
Wilson undertakes to entertain the country people with Harlequin Skeleton, for
which he has got a jacket ready painted with his own hand.
    Our society is really enchanting. Even the severity of Lismahago relaxes,
and the vinegar of Mrs. Tabby is remarkably dulcified, ever since it was agreed
that she should take precedency of her niece in being first noosed: for, you
must know, the day is fixed for Liddy's marriage; and the banns for both couples
have been already once published in the parish church. The Captain earnestly
begged that one trouble might serve for all, and Tabitha assented with a vile
affectation of reluctance. Her inamorato, who came hither very slenderly equipt,
has sent for his baggage to London, which, in all probability, will not arrive
in time for the wedding; but it is of no great consequence, as every thing is to
be transacted with the utmost privacy - Meanwhile, directions are given for
making out the contracts of marriage, which are very favourable for both
females; Liddy will be secured in a good jointure; and her aunt will remain
mistress of her own fortune, except one half of the interest, which her husband
shall have a right to enjoy for his natural life: I think this is as little in
conscience as can be done for a man who yokes with such a partner for life.
    These expectants seem to be so happy, that if Mr. Dennison had an agreeable
daughter, I believe I should be for making the third couple in this country
dance. The humour seems to be infectious; for Clinker, alias Loyd, has a month's
mind to play the fool, in the same fashion, with Mrs. Winifred Jenkins. He has
even sounded me on the subject; but I have given him no encouragement to
prosecute this scheme - I told him I thought he might do better, as there was no
engagement nor promise subsisting; that I did not know what designs my uncle
might have formed for his advantage; but I was of opinion, that he should not,
at present, run the risk of disobliging him by any premature application of
this nature - Honest Humphry protested he would suffer death sooner than do or
say any thing that should give offence to the 'squire: but he owned he had a
kindness for the young woman, and had reason to think she looked upon him with a
favourable eye; that he considered this mutual manifestation of good will, as an
engagement understood, which ought to be binding to the conscience of an honest
man; and he hoped the 'squire and I would be of the same opinion, when we should
be at leisure to bestow any thought about the matter - I believe he is in the
right; and we shall find time to take his case into consideration - You see we
are fixed for some weeks at least, and as you have had a long respite, I hope
you will begin immediately to discharge the arrears due to
Your affectionate,
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Oct. 14.
 

                      To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester

My dear, dear Letty,
    Never did I sit down to write in such agitation as I now feel - In the
course of a few days, we have met with a number of incidents so wonderful and
interesting, that all my ideas are thrown into confusion and perplexity - You
must not expect either method or coherence in what I am going to relate - my
dearest Willis. Since my last, the aspect of affairs is totally changed! - and
so changed! - but, I would fain give you a regular detail - In passing a river,
about eight days ago, our coach was overturned, and some of us narrowly escaped
with life - My uncle had well nigh perished - O Heaven, I cannot reflect upon
that circumstance without horror - I should have lost my best friend, my father
and protector, but for the resolution and activity of his servant Humphry
Clinker, whom Providence really seems to have placed near him for the necessity
of this occasion. - I would not be thought superstitious; but surely he acted
from a stronger impulse than common fidelity - Was it not the voice of nature
that loudly called upon him to save the life of his own father? for, O Letty, it
was discovered that Humphry Clinker was my uncle's natural son.
    Almost at the same instant, a gentleman, who came to offer us assistance,
and invite us to his house, turned out to be a very old friend of Mr. Bramble -
His name is Mr. Dennison, one of the worthiest men living; and his lady is a
perfect saint upon earth. They have an only son - who do you think is this only
son? - O Letty! - O gracious heaven! how my heart palpitates, when I tell you
that this only son of Mr. Dennison, is that very identical youth who, under the
name of Wilson, has made such ravage in my heart! - Yes, my dear friend! Wilson
and I are now lodged in the same house, and converse together freely - His
father approves of his sentiments in my favour; his mother loves me with all the
tenderness of a parent; my uncle, my aunt, and my brother, no longer oppose my
inclinations - On the contrary, they have agreed to make us happy without delay;
and in three weeks or a month, if no unforeseen accident intervenes, your friend
Lydia Melford, will have changed her name and condition - I say, if no accident
intervenes, because such a torrent of success makes me tremble! - I wish there
may not be something treacherous in this sudden reconciliation of fortune - I
have no merit - I have no title to such felicity! Far from enjoying the prospect
that lies before me, my mind is harrassed with a continued tumult, made up of
hopes and wishes, doubts and apprehensions - I can neither eat nor sleep, and my
spirits are in perpetual flutter. - I more than ever feel that vacancy in my
heart, which your presence alone can fill. - The mind, in every disquiet, seeks
to repose itself on the bosom of a friend; and this is such a trial as I really
know not how to support without your company and counsel - I must therefore,
dear Letty, put your friendship to the test - I must beg you will come and do
the last offices of maidenhood to your companion Lydia Melford.
    This letter goes enclosed in one to our worthy governess, from Mrs.
Dennison, entreating her to interpose with your mamma, that you may be allowed
to favour us with your company on this occasion; and I flatter myself that no
material objection can be made to our request - The distance from hence to
Gloucester, does not exceed one hundred miles, and the roads are good - Mr.
Clinker, alias Loyd, shall be sent over to attend your motions - If you step
into the post-chaise, with your maid Betty Barker, at seven in the morning, you
will arrive by four in the afternoon at the half-way house, where there is good
accommodation. There you shall be met by my brother and myself, who will next
day conduct you to this place, where, I am sure, you will find yourself
perfectly at your ease in the midst of an agreeable society. - Dear Letty, I
will take no refusal - if you have any friendship - any humanity - you will
come. - I desire that immediate application may be made to your mamma; and that
the moment her permission is obtained, you will apprise
Your ever faithful
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Oct. 14.
 

                   To Mrs. Jermyn, at her house in Gloucester

Dear Madam,
    Though I was not so fortunate as to be favoured with an answer to the letter
with which I troubled you in the spring, I still flatter myself that you retain
some regard for me and my concerns. I am sure the care and tenderness with which
I was treated, under your roof and tuition, demand the warmest returns of
gratitude and affection on my part, and these sentiments, I hope, I shall
cherish to my dying day - At present, I think it my duty to make you acquainted
with the happy issue of that indiscretion by which I incurred your displeasure.
- Ah! madam, the slighted Wilson is metamorphosed into George Dennison, only son
and heir of a gentleman, whose character is second to none in England, as you
may understand upon inquiry. My guardians, my brother and I, are now in his
house; and an immediate union of the two families is to take place in the
persons of the young gentleman and your poor Lydia Melford. - You will easily
conceive how embarrassing this situation must be to a young inexperienced
creature like me, of weak nerves and strong apprehensions; and how much the
presence of a friend and confidant would encourage and support me on this
occasion. You know, that of all the young ladies, Miss Willis was she that
possessed the greatest share of my confidence and affection; and, therefore, I
fervently wish to have the happiness of her company at this interesting crisis.
    Mrs. Dennison, who is the object of universal love and esteem, has, at my
request, written to you on this subject, and I now beg leave to reinforce her
solicitation. - My dear Mrs. Jermyn! my ever honoured governess! let me conjure
you by that fondness which once distinguished your favourite Liddy! by that
benevolence of heart which disposes you to promote the happiness of your
fellow-creatures in general! lend a favourable ear to my petition, and use your
influence with Letty's mamma, that my most earnest desire may be gratified.
Should I be indulged in this particular, I will engage to return her safe, and
even to accompany her to Gloucester, where, if you will give me leave, I will
present to you, under another name,
Dear madam,
Your most affectionate
humble servant,
and penitent,
                                                                   LYDIA MELFORD
    Oct. 14.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

O Mary Jones! Mary Jones!
    I have met with so many axidents, suprisals, and terrifications, that I am
in a parfeck fantigo, and believe I shall never be my own self again. Last week
I was dragged out of a river like a drowned rat, and lost a bran-new night-cap,
with a sulfur stay-hook, that cost me a good half-a-crown, and an odd shoe of
green gallow monkey; besides wetting my clothes and taring my smuck, and an ugly
gash made in the back part of my thy, by the stump of a tree - To be sure Mr.
Clinker tuck me out of the cox; but he left me on my back in the water, to go to
the 'squire; and I mought have had a watry grave, if a millar had not brought me
to the dry land - But, O! what choppings and changes girl - The player man that
came after miss Liddy, and frightened me with a beard at Bristol Well, is now
matthewmurphy'd into a fine young gentleman, son and hare of 'squire Dollison -
We are all together in the same house, and all parties have agreed to the match,
and in a fortnite the surrymony will be preformed.
    But this is not the only wedding we are to have - Mistriss is resolved to
have the same frolick, in the naam of God! Last Sunday in the parish-crutch, if
my own ars may be trusted, the clerk called the banes of marridge betwixt
Opaniah Lashmeheygo, and Tapitha Brample, spinster; he mought as well have
called her inkle-weaver, for she never spun and hank of yarn in her life - Young
'squire Dollison and miss Liddy made the second kipple; and there might have
been a turd, but times are changed with Mr. Clinker - O, Molly! what do'st
think? Mr. Clinker is found to be a pye-blow of our own 'squire, and his rite
naam is Mr. Mattew Loyd (thof God he nose how that can be); and he is now out of
livery, and wares ruffles - but I new him when he was out at elbows, and had not
a rag to kiver his pistereroes; so he need not hold his head so high - He is for
certain very umble and compleasant, and purtests as how he has the same regard
as before; but that he is no longer his own master, and cannot portend to marry
without the 'squire's consent - He says we must wait with patience, and trust to
Providence, and such nonsense - But if so be as how his regard be the same, why
stand shilly shally? Why not strike while the iron is hot, and speak to the
'squire without loss of time? - What subjection can the 'squire make to our
coming together? - Thof my father wan't a gentleman, my mother was an honest
woman - I did'n't come on the wrong side of the blanket, girl - My parents were
marred according to the rights of holy mother crutch, in the face of men and
angles - Mark that, Mary Jones.
    Mr. Clinker (Loyd I would say) had best look to his tackle - There be other
chaps in the market, as the saying is - What would he say if I should except the
soot and service of the young 'squire's valley? Mr. Machappy is a gentleman
born, and has been abroad in the wars - He has a world of buck larning, and
speaks French, and Ditch, and Scotch, and all manner of outlandish lingos; to be
sure he's a little the worse for the ware, and is much given to drink; but than
he's good-tempered in his liquor, and a prudent woman mought wind him about her
finger - But I have no thoughts of him, I'll assure you - I scorn for to do, or
to say, or to think any thing that mought give unbreech to Mr. Loyd, without
further occasion - But then I have such vapours, Molly - I sit and cry by myself,
and take ass of etida, and smill to burnt fathers, and kindal-snuffs; and I pray
constantly for grease, that I may have a glimpse of the new-light, to show me
the way through this wretched veil of tares - And yet, I want for nothing in
this family of love, where every sole is so kind and so courteous, that wan
would think they are so many saints in haven. Dear Molly, I recommend myself to
your prayers, being, with my service to Saul,
your ever loving,
and discounselled friend,
                                                                    WIN. JENKINS
    Oct. 14.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Dick,
    You cannot imagine what pleasure I have in seeing your hand-writing, after
such a long cessation on your side of our correspondence - Yet, Heaven knows, I
have often seen your hand-writing with disgust - I mean, when it appeared in
abbreviations of apothecary's Latin - I like your hint of making interest for
the reversion of the collector's place, for Mr. Lismahago, who is much pleased
with the scheme, and presents you with his compliments and best thanks for
thinking so kind of his concerns - The man seems to mend, upon further
acquaintance. That harsh reserve, which formed a disagreeable husk about his
character, begins to peel off in the course of our communication - I have great
hopes that he and Tabby will be as happily paired as any two draught animals in
the kingdom; and I make no doubt but that he will prove a valuable acquisition
to our little society, in the article of conversation, by the fire-side in
winter.
    Your objection to my passing this season of the year at such a distance from
home, would have more weight if I did not find myself perfectly at my ease where
I am; and my health so much improved, that I am disposed to bid defiance to gout
and rheumatism. - I begin to think I have put myself on the superannuated list
too soon, and absurdly sought for health in the retreats of laziness - I am
persuaded that all valetudinarians are too sedentary, too regular, and too
cautious - We should sometimes increase the motion of the machine, to unclog the
wheels of life; and now and then take a plunge amidst the waves of excess, in
order to caseharden the constitution. I have even found a change of company as
necessary as a change of air, to promote a vigorous circulation of the spirits,
which is the very essence and criterion of good health.
    Since my last, I have been performing the duties of friendship, that
required a great deal of exercise, from which I hope to derive some benefit -
Understanding, by the greatest accident in the world, that Mr. Baynard's wife
was dangerously ill of a pleuritic fever, I borrowed Dennison's post-chaise, and
went a-cross the country to his habitation, attended only by Loyd (quondam
Clinker) on horseback. - As the distance is not above thirty miles, I arrived
about four in the afternoon, and meeting the physician at the door, was informed
that his patient had just expired. - I was instantly seized with a violent
emotion, but it was not grief. - The family being in confusion, I ran up stairs
into the chamber, where, indeed, they were all assembled - The aunt stood
wringing her hands in a kind of stupefaction of sorrow, but my friend acted all
the extravagancies of affliction - He held the body in his arms, and poured
forth such a lamentation, that one would have thought he had lost the most
amiable consort and valuable companion upon earth.
    Affection may certainly exist independent of esteem; nay, the same object
may be lovely in one respect, and detestable in another - The mind has a
surprising faculty of accommodating, and even attaching itself, in such a
manner, by dint of use, to things that are in their own nature disagreeable, and
even pernicious, that it cannot bear to be delivered from them without
reluctance and regret. Baynard was so absorbed in his delirium, that he did not
perceive me when I entered, and desired one of the women to conduct the aunt
into her own chamber. - At the same time I begged the tutor to withdraw the boy,
who stood gaping in a corner, very little affected with the distress of the
scene. - These steps being taken, I waited till the first violence of my
friend's transport was abated, then disengaged him gently from the melancholy
object, and led him by the hand into another apartment; though he struggled so
hard, that I was obliged to have recourse to the assistance of his valet de
chamber. - In a few minutes, however, he recollected himself, and folding me in
his arms, »This (cried he) is a friendly office, indeed! - I know not how you
came hither; but, I think, Heaven sent you to prevent my going distracted. - O
Matthew! I have lost my dear Harriet! - my poor, gentle, tender creature, that
loved me with such warmth and purity of affection - my constant companion of
twenty years! - She's gone - she's gone for ever! - Heaven and earth! where is
she? - Death shall not part us!«
    So saying, he started up, and could hardly be withheld from returning to the
scene we had quitted - You will perceive it would have been very absurd for me
to argue with a man that talked so madly. - On all such occasions, the first
torrent of passion must be allowed to subside gradually. - I endeavoured to
beguile his attention by starting little hints and insinuating other objects of
discourse imperceptibly; and being exceedingly pleased in my own mind at this
event, I exerted myself with such an extraordinary flow of spirits as was
attended with success. - In a few hours, he was calm enough to hear reason, and
even to own that Heaven could not have interposed more effectually to rescue him
from disgrace and ruin. - That he might not, however, relapse into weaknesses
for want of company, I passed the night in his chamber, in a little tent bed
brought thither on purpose; and well it was I took this precaution, for he
started up in bed several times, and would have played the fool, if I had not
been present.
    Next day he was in a condition to talk of business, and vested me with full
authority over his household, which I began to exercise without loss of time,
tho' not before he knew and approved of the scheme I had projected for his
advantage. - He would have quitted the house immediately; but this retreat I
opposed. - Far from encouraging a temporary disgust, which might degenerate into
an habitual aversion, I resolved, if possible, to attach him more than ever to
his Household Gods. - I gave directions for the funeral to be as private as was
consistent with decency; I wrote to London, that an inventory and estimate might
be made of the furniture and effects in his town-house, and gave notice to the
landlord, that Mr. Baynard should quit the premises at Lady-day; I set a person
at work to take account of every thing in the country-house, including horses,
carriages, and harness; I settled the young gentleman at a boarding-school, kept
by a clergyman in the neighbourhood, and thither he went without reluctance, as
soon as he knew that he was to be troubled no more with his tutor, whom we
dismissed. - The aunt continued very sullen, and never appeared at table, though
Mr. Baynard paid his respects to her every day in her own chamber; there also
she held conferences with the waiting-women and other servants of the family:
but, the moment her niece was interred, she went away in a post-chaise prepared
for that purpose: she did not leave the house, however, without giving Mr.
Baynard to understand, that the wardrobe of her niece was the perquisite of her
woman; accordingly that worthless drab received all the clothes, laces, and
linen of her deceased mistress, to the value of five hundred pounds, at a
moderate computation.
    The next step I took was to disband that legion of supernumerary domestics,
who had preyed so long upon the vitals of my friend: a parcel of idle drones, so
intolerably insolent, that they even treated their own master with the most
contemptuous neglect. They had been generally hired by his wife, according to
the recommendation of her woman, and these were the only patrons to whom they
paid the least deference. I had therefore uncommon satisfaction in clearing the
house of those vermin. The woman of the deceased, and a chambermaid, a valet de
chamber, a butler, a French cook, a master gardener, two footmen, and a
coachman, I paid off, and turned out of the house immediately, paying to each a
month's wages in lieu of warning. Those whom I retained, consisted of a female
cook, who had been assistant to the Frenchman, a house maid, an old lacquey, a
postilion, and under-gardener. Thus I removed at once a huge mountain of expense
and care from the shoulders of my friend, who could hardly believe the evidence
of his own senses, when he found himself so suddenly and so effectually
relieved. His heart, however, was still subject to vibrations of tenderness,
which returned at certain intervals, extorting sighs, and tears, and
exclamations of grief and impatience: but these fits grew every day less violent
and less frequent, 'till at length his reason obtained a complete victory over
the infirmities of his nature.
    Upon an accurate inquiry into the state of his affairs, I find his debts
amount to twenty thousand pounds, for eighteen thousand pounds of which sum his
estate is mortgaged; and as he pays five per cent. interest, and some of his
farms are unoccupied, he does not receive above two hundred pounds a year clear
from his lands, over and above the interest of his wife's fortune, which
produced eight hundred pounds annually. For lightening this heavy burden, I
devised the following expedient. - His wife's jewels, together with his
superfluous plate and furniture in both houses, his horses and carriages, which
are already advertised to be sold by auction, will, according to the estimate,
produce two thousand five hundred pounds in ready money, with which the debt
will be immediately reduced to eighteen thousand pounds - I have undertaken to
find him ten thousand pounds at four per cent. by which means he will save one
hundred a- in the article of interest, and perhaps we shall be able to borrow
the other eight thousand on the same terms. According to his own scheme of a
country life, he says he can live comfortably for three hundred pounds a year;
but, as he has a son to educate, we will allow him five hundred; then there will
be an accumulating fund of seven hundred a-year, principal and interest, to pay
off the encumbrance; and, I think, we may modestly add three hundred, on the
presumption of new-leasing and improving the vacant farms: so that, in a couple
of years, I suppose there will be above a thousand a-year appropriated to
liquidate a debt of sixteen thousand.
    We forthwith began to class and set apart the articles designed for sale,
under the direction of an upholder from London; and, that nobody in the house
might be idle, commenced our reformation without doors, as well as within. With
Baynard's good leave, I ordered the gardener to turn the rivulet into its old
channel, to refresh the fainting Naiads, who had so long languished among
mouldring roots, withered leaves, and dry pebbles. - The shrubbery is condemned
to extirpation; and the pleasure-ground will be restored to its original use of
corn-field and pasture. - Orders are given for rebuilding the walls of the
garden at the back of the house, and for planting clumps of firs, intermingled
with beech and chestnut, at the east end, which is now quite exposed to the surly
blasts that come from that quarter. All these works being actually begun, and
the house and auction left to the care and management of a reputable attorney, I
brought Baynard along with me in the chaise, and made him acquainted with
Dennison, whose goodness of heart would not fail to engage his esteem and
affection. - He is indeed charmed with our society in general, and declares that
he never saw the theory of true pleasure reduced to practice before. - I really
believe it would not be an easy task to find such a number of individuals
assembled under one roof, more happy than we are at present.
    I must tell you, however, in confidence, I suspect Tabby of tergiversation.
- I have been so long accustomed to that original, that I know all the caprices
of her heart, and can often perceive her designs while they are yet in embrio -
She attached herself to Lismahago for no other reason but that she despaired of
making a more agreeable conquest. - At present, if I am not much mistaken in my
observation, she would gladly convert the widowhood of Baynard to her own
advantage. - Since he arrived, she has behaved very coldly to the captain, and
strove to fasten on the other's heart, with the hooks of over-strained civility.
- These must be the instinctive efforts of her constitution, rather than the
effects of any deliberate design; for matters are carried to such a length with
the lieutenant, that she could not retract with any regard to conscience or
reputation. Besides, she will meet with nothing but indifference or aversion on
the side of Baynard, who has too much sense to think of such a partner at any
time, and too much delicacy to admit a thought of any such connexion at the
present juncture - Meanwhile, I have prevailed upon her to let him have four
thousand pounds at four per cent. towards paying off his mortgage. Young
Dennison has agreed that Liddy's fortune shall be appropriated to the same
purpose, on the same terms. - His father will sell out three thousand pounds
stock for his accommodation. - Farmer Bland has, at the desire of Wilson,
undertaken for two thousand; and I must make an effort to advance what further
will be required to take my friend out of the hands of the Philistines. He is so
pleased with the improvements made on this estate, which is all cultivated like
a garden, that he has entered himself as a pupil in farming to Mr. Dennison, and
resolved to attach himself wholly to the practice of husbandry.
    Every thing is now prepared for our double wedding. The marriage-articles
for both couples are drawn and executed; and the ceremony only waits until the
parties shall have been resident in the parish the term prescribed by law. Young
Dennison betrays some symptoms of impatience; but, Lismahago bears this
necessary delay with the temper of a philosopher. - You must know, the captain
does not stand altogether on the foundation of personal merit. Besides his
half-pay, amounting to two and forty pounds a year, this indefatigable
oeconomist has amassed eight hundred pounds, which he has secured in the funds.
This sum arises partly from his pay's running up while he remained among the
Indians; partly from what he received as a consideration for the difference
between his full appointment and the half-pay, to which he is now restricted;
and partly from the profits of a little traffic he drove in peltry, during his
sachemship among the Miamis.
    Liddy's fears and perplexities have been much assuaged by the company of one
Miss Willis, who had been her intimate companion at the boarding-school. Her
parents had been earnestly solicited to allow her making this friendly visit on
such an extraordinary occasion; and two days ago she arrived with her mother,
who did not choose that she should come without a proper gouvernante. The young
lady is very sprightly, handsome, and agreeable, and the mother a mighty good
sort of a woman; so that their coming adds considerably to our enjoyment. But we
shall have a third couple yoked in the matrimonial chain. Mr. Clinker Loyd has
made humble remonstrance, through the canal of my nephew, setting forth the
sincere love and affection mutually subsisting between him and Mrs. Winifred
Jenkins, and praying my consent to their coming together for life. I would have
wished that Mr. Clinker had kept out of this scrape; but as the nymph's
happiness is at stake, and she has had already some fits in the way of
despondence, I, in order to prevent any tragical catastrophe, have given him
leave to play the fool, in imitation of his betters; and I suppose we shall in
time have a whole litter of his progeny at Brambleton-hall. The fellow is stout
and lusty, very sober and conscientious; and the wench seems to be as great an
enthusiast in love as in religion.
    I wish you would think of employing him some other way, that the parish may
not be overstocked - you know he has been bred a farrier, consequently belongs
to the faculty; and as he is very docile, I make no doubt but, with your good
instruction, he may be, in a little time, qualified to act as a Welch
apothecary. Tabby, who never did a favour with a good grace, has consented, with
great reluctance, to this match. Perhaps it hurts her pride, as she now
considers Clinker in the light of a relation; but, I believe, her objections are
of a more selfish nature. She declares she cannot think of retaining the wife of
Matthew Loyd in the character of a servant; and she foresees, that on such an
occasion the woman will expect some gratification for her past services. As for
Clinker, exclusive of other considerations, he is so trusty, brave,
affectionate, and alert, and I owe him such personal obligations, that he merits
more than all the indulgence that can possibly be shown him, by
yours,
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Oct. 26.
 

                     To Sir Watkin Phillips, Bart. at Oxon.

Dear Knight,
    The fatal knots are now tied. The comedy is near a close; and the curtain is
ready to drop: but, the latter scenes of this act I shall recapitulate in order.
- About a fortnight ago, my uncle made an excursion across the country, and
brought hither a particular friend, one Mr. Baynard, who has just lost his wife,
and was for some time disconsolate, though by all accounts he had much more
cause for joy than for sorrow at this event. - His countenance, however, clears
up apace; and he appears to be a person of rare accomplishments. - But we have
received another still more agreeable reinforcement to our company, by the
arrival of Miss Willis from Gloucester. She was Liddy's bosom friend at
boarding-school, and being earnestly solicited to assist at the nuptials, her
mother was so obliging as to grant my sister's request, and even to come with
her in person. Liddy, accompanied by George Dennison and me, gave them the
meeting half-way, and next day conducted them hither in safety. Miss Willis is a
charming girl, and, in point of disposition, an agreeable contrast to my sister,
who is rather too grave and sentimental for my turn of mind. - The other is gay,
frank, a little giddy, and always good-humoured. She has, moreover, a genteel
fortune, is well born, and remarkably handsome. - Ah Phillips! if these
qualities were permanent - if her humour would never change, nor her beauties
decay, what efforts would I not make - But these are idle reflections - my
destiny must one day be fulfilled.
    At present we pass the time as agreeably as we can. - We have got up several
farces, which afforded unspeakable entertainment by the effects they produced
among the country people, who are admitted to all our exhibitions. - Two nights
ago, Jack Wilson acquired great applause in Harlequin Skeleton, and Lismahago
surprised us all in the character of Pierot. - His long lank sides, and strong
marked features, were all peculiarly adapted to his part. He appeared with a
ludicrous stare, from which he had discharged all meaning: he adopted the
impressions of fear and amazement so naturally, that many of the audience were
infected by his looks; but when the skeleton held him in chase, his horror
became most divertingly picturesque, and seemed to endow him with such
præternatural agility as confounded all the spectators. It was a lively
representation of Death in pursuit of Consumption, and had such an effect upon
the commonalty, that some of them shrieked aloud, and others ran out of the hall
in the utmost consternation.
    This is not the only instance in which the lieutenant has lately excited our
wonder. His temper, which had been soured and shrivelled by disappointment and
chagrin, is now swelled out, and smoothed like a raisin in plum-porridge. From
being reserved and punctilious, he is become easy and obliging. He cracks jokes,
laughs and banters, with the most facetious familiarity; and, in a word, enters
into all our schemes of merriment and pastime - The other day his baggage
arrived in the wagon from London, contained in two large trunks and a long
dealbox not unlike a coffin. The trunks were filled with his wardrobe, which he
displayed for the entertainment of the company, and he freely owned, that it
consisted chiefly of the opima spolia taken in battle. What he selected for his
wedding suit, was a tarnished white cloth faced with blue velvet, embroidered
with silver; but he valued himself most upon a tye-periwig, in which he had made
his first appearance as a lawyer above thirty years ago. This machine had been
in buckle ever since, and now all the servants in the family were employed to
frizz it out for the occasion, which was yesterday celebrated at the parish
church. George Dennison and his bride were distinguished by nothing
extraordinary in their apparel. His eyes lightened with eagerness and joy, and
she trembled with coyness and confusion. My uncle gave her away, and her friend
Willis supported her during the ceremony.
    But my aunt and her paramour took the pas, and formed, indeed, such a pair
of originals, as, I believe, all England could not parallel. She was dressed in
the stile of 1739; and the day being cold, put on a manteel of green velvet
laced with gold: but this was taken off by the bridegroom, who threw over her
shoulders a fur cloak of American sables, valued at fourscore guineas, a present
equally agreeable and unexpected. Thus accoutred, she was led up to the altar by
Mr. Dennison, who did the office of her father: Lismahago advanced in the
military step with his French coat reaching no farther than the middle of his
thigh, his campaign wig that surpasses all description, and a languishing leer
upon his countenance, in which there seemed to be something arch and ironical.
The ring, which he put upon her finger, he had concealed till the moment it was
used. He now produced it with an air of self-complacency. It was a curious
antique, set with rose diamonds: he told us afterwards, it had been in his
family two hundred years, and was a present from his grand-mother. These
circumstances agreeably flattered the pride of our aunt Tabitha, which had
already found uncommon gratification in the captain's generosity; for he had, in
the morning, presented my uncle with a fine bear's skin, and a Spanish
fowling-piece, and me with a case of pistols curiously mounted with silver. At
the same time he gave Mrs. Jenkins an Indian purse, made of silk grass,
containing twenty crown pieces. You must know, this young lady, with the
assistance of Mr. Loyd, formed the third couple who yesterday sacrificed to
Hymen. I wrote to you in my last, that he had recourse to my mediation, which I
employed successfully with my uncle; but Mrs. Tabitha held out 'till the
love-sick Jenkins had two fits of the mother; then she relented, and those two
cooing turtles were caged for life - Our aunt made an effort of generosity in
furnishing the bride with her superfluities of clothes and linen, and her
example was followed by my sister; nor did Mr. Bramble and I neglect her on this
occasion. It was, indeed, a day of peace offering - Mr. Dennison insisted upon
Liddy's accepting two bank notes of one hundred pounds each, as pocket-money;
and his lady gave her a diamond necklace of double that value. There was,
besides, a mutual exchange of tokens among the individuals of the two families
thus happily united.
    As George Dennison and his partner were judged improper objects of mirth,
Jack Wilson had resolved to execute some jokes on Lismahago, and after supper
began to ply him with bumpers, when the ladies had retired; but the captain
perceiving his drift, begged for quarter, alleging that the adventure, in which
he had engaged, was a very serious matter; and that it would be more the part of
a good Christian to pray that he might be strengthened, than to impede his
endeavours to finish the adventure. - He was spared accordingly, and permitted
to ascend the nuptial couch with all his senses about him. - There he and his
consort sat in state, like Saturn and Cybele, while the benediction-posset was
drank; and a cake being broken over the head of Mrs. Tabitha Lismahago, the
fragments were distributed among the bystanders, according to the custom of the
ancient Britons, on the supposition that every person who ate of this hallowed
cake, should that night have a vision of the man or woman whom Heaven designed
should be his or her wedded mate.
    The weight of Wilson's waggery fell upon honest Humphry and his spouse, who
were bedded in an upper room, with the usual ceremony of throwing the stocking.
- This being performed, and the company withdrawn, a sort of catter-wauling
ensued, when Jack found means to introduce a real cat shod with walnut-shells,
which galloping along the boards, made such a dreadful noise as effectually
discomposed our lovers. - Winifred screamed aloud, and shrunk under the bed
clothes. - Mr. Loyd, believing that Satan was come to buffet him in propria
persona, laid aside all carnal thoughts, and began to pray aloud with great
fervency. - At length, the poor animal, being more afraid than either, leaped
into the bed, and meauled with the most piteous exclamation. - Loyd, thus
informed of the nature of the annoyance, rose and set the door wide open, so
that this troublesome visitant retreated with great expedition; then securing
himself, by means of a double bolt, from a second intrusion, he was left to
enjoy his good fortune without further disturbance.
    If one may judge from the looks of the parties, they are all very well
satisfied with what has passed. - George Dennison and his wife are too delicate
to exhibit any strong-marked signs of their mutual satisfaction, but their eyes
are sufficiently expressive. - Mrs. Tabitha Lismahago is rather fulsome in
signifying her approbation of the captain's love; while his deportment is the
very pink of gallantry. - He sighs, and ogles, and languishes at this amiable
object; he kisses her hand, mutters ejaculations of rapture, and sings tender
airs; and, no doubt, laughs internally at her folly in believing him sincere. -
In order to show how little his vigour was impaired by the fatigues of the
preceding day, he this morning danced a Highland saraband over a naked
back-sword, and leaped so high, that I believe he would make no contemptible
figure as a vaulter at Sadler's Wells. - Mr. Matthew Loyd, when asked how he
relishes his bargain, throws up his eyes, crying, »For what we have received,
Lord make us thankful: amen.« - His helpmate giggles, and holds her hand before
her eyes, affecting to be ashamed of having been in bed with a man. - Thus all
these widgeons enjoy the novelty of their situation; but, perhaps their note
will be changed, when they are better acquainted with the nature of the decoy.
    As Mrs. Willis cannot be persuaded to stay, and Liddy is engaged by promise
to accompany her daughter back to Gloucester, I fancy there will be a general
migration from hence, and that most of us will spend the Christmas holidays at
Bath; in which case, I shall certainly find an opportunity to beat up your
quarters. - By this rime, I suppose, you are sick of alma mater, and even ready
to execute that scheme of peregrination, which was last year concerted between
you and
Your affectionate
                                                                      J. MELFORD
    Nov. 8.
 

                                  To Dr. Lewis

Dear Doctor,
    My niece Liddy is now happily settled for life; and captain Lismahago has
taken Tabby off my hands; so that I have nothing further to do, but to comfort
my friend Baynard, and provide for my son Loyd, who is also fairly joined to
Mrs. Winifred Jenkins. - You are an excellent genius at hints. - Dr. Arbuthnot
was but a type of Dr. Lewis in that respect. - What you observe of the
vestry-clerk deserves consideration. - I make no doubt but Matthew Loyd is well
enough qualified for the office; but, at present, you must find room for him in
the house. - His incorruptible honesty and indefatigable care will be
serviceable in superintending the economy of my farm; tho' I don't mean that he
shall interfere with Barns, of whom I have no cause to complain. - I am just
returned with Baynard, from a second trip to his house, where every thing is
regulated to his satisfaction. - He could not, however, review the apartments
without tears and lamentation, so that he is not yet in a condition to be left
alone; therefore I will not part with him till the spring, when he intends to
plunge into the avocations of husbandry, which will at once employ and amuse his
attention. - Charles Dennison had promised to stay with him a fortnight, to set
him fairly afloat in his improvements; and Jack Wilson will see him from time to
time; besides, he has a few friends in the country, whom his new plan of life
will not exclude from his society. - In less than a year, I make no doubt, but
he will find himself perfectly at ease both in his mind and body, for the one
had dangerously affected the other; and I shall enjoy the exquisite pleasure of
seeing my friend rescued from misery and contempt.
    Mrs. Willis being determined to return with her daughter, in a few days, to
Gloucester, our plan has undergone some alteration. - Jery has persuaded his
brother-in-law to carry his wife to Bath; and I believe his parents will
accompany him thither. - For my part, I have no intention to take that route. -
It must be something very extraordinary that will induce me to revisit either
Bath or London. - My sister and her husband, Baynard and I, will take leave of
them at Gloucester, and make the best of our way to Brambleton-hall, where I
desire you will prepare a good chine and turkey for our Christmas dinner. - You
must also employ your medical skill in defending me from the attacks of the
gout, that I may be in good case to receive the rest of our company, who promise
to visit us in their return from the Bath. - As I have laid in a considerable
stock of health, it is to be hoped you will not have much trouble with me in the
way of physic, but I intend to work you on the side of exercise. - I have got an
excellent fowling-piece from Mr. Lismahago, who is a keen sportsman, and we
shall take the heath in all weathers. - That this scheme of life may be
prosecuted the more effectually, I intend to renounce all sedentary amusements,
particularly that of writing long letters; a resolution, which, had I taken it
sooner, might have saved you the trouble which you have lately taken in reading
the tedious epistles of
                                                                   MATT. BRAMBLE
    Nov. 20.
 

                      To Mrs. Gwyllim, at Brambleton-hall

Good Mrs. Gwyllim,
    Heaven, for wise porpuses, hath ordained that I should change my name and
citation in life, so that I am not to be considered any more as manger of my
brother's family; but as I cannot surrender up my stewardship till I have
settled with you and Williams, I desire you will get your accunts ready for
inspection, as we are coming home without further delay. - My spouse, the
captain, being subject to rummaticks, I beg you will take great care to have the
blew chamber, up two pair of stairs, well warmed for his reception. - Let the
sashes be secured, the crevices stopped, the carpets laid, and the beds well
tousled. - Mrs. Loyd, late Jenkins, being married to a relation of the family,
cannot remain in the capacity of a sarvant; therefore, I wish you would cast
about for some creditable body to be with me in her room - If she can spin, and
is mistress of plain-work, so much the better - but she must not expect
extravagant wages - having a family of my own, I must be more occumenical than
ever. No more at present, but rests
Your loving friend,
                                                                  TAB. LISMAHAGO
    Nov. 20.
 

                     To Mrs. Mary Jones, at Brambleton-hall

Mrs. Jones,
    Providinch hath bin pleased to make great halteration in the pasture of our
affairs. - We were yesterday three kiple chined, by the grease of God, in the
holy bands of mattermoney, and I now subscrive myself Loyd at your service. -
All the parish allowed that young 'squire Dallison and his bride was a comely
pear for to see. - As for madam Lashmiheygo, you nose her picklearities - her
head, to be sure, was fintastical; and her spouse had rapt her with a long
marokin furze cloak from the land of the selvidges, thof they say it is of
immense bally. - The captain himself had a huge hassock of air, with three
tails, and a tumtawdry coat, boddered with sulfur. - Wan said he was a
monkey-bank; and the ould bottler swore he was the born imich of Titidall. - For
my part, I says nothing, being as how the captain has done the handsome thing by
me. - Mr. Loyd was dressed in a lite frog, and checket with gould binding; and,
thof he don't enter in caparison with great folks of quality, yet he has got as
good blood in his veins as arrow privet 'squire in the county; and then his
pursing is far from contentible. - Your humble sarvant had on a plain pea-green
tabby sack, with my Runnela cap, ruff toupee, and side curls. - They said, I was
the very moral of lady Rickmanstone, but not so pale - that may well be, for her
layship is my elder by seven good years and more. - Now, Mrs. Mary, our satiety
is to suppurate - Mr. Millfart goes to Bath along with the Dallisons, and the
rest of us push home to Wales, to pass our Chrishmarsh at Brampleton-hall, - As
our apartment is to be the yallow pepper, in the thurd story, pray carry my
things thither. - Present my cumpliments to Mrs Gwyllim, and I hope she and I
will live upon dissent terms of civility - Being, by God's blessing, removed to
a higher spear, you'll excuse my being familiar with the lower sarvents of the
family; but, as I trust you'll behave respectful, and keep a proper distance,
you may always depend upon the good will and purtection of
Yours,
                                                                         W. LOYD
    Nov. 20.
 

                                     Notes

1 This gentleman crossed the sea to France, visited and conferred with Mr. de
Voltaire at Fernay, resumed his old circuit at Genoa, and died in 1767, at the
house of Vanini in Florence. Being taken with a suppression of urine, he
resolved, in imitation of Pomponius Atticus, to take himself off by abstinence;
and this resolution he executed like an ancient Roman. He saw company to the
last, cracked his jokes, conversed freely, and entertained his guests with
music. On the third day of his fast, he found himself entirely freed of his
complaint; but refused taking sustenance. He said the most disagreeable part of
the voyage was past, and he should be a cursed fool indeed, to put about ship,
when he was just entering the harbour. In these sentiments he persisted, without
any marks of affectation, and thus finished his course with such ease and
serenity, as would have done honour to the firmest Stoic of antiquity.
 
2 The par is a small fish, not unlike the smelt, which it rivals in delicacy and
flavour.
