

                                Tobias Smollett

                       The Adventures of Roderick Random

                                    Preface

Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining, and universally
improving, as that which is introduced, as it were, occasionally, in the course
of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to life; and by
representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing point of view, invests
them with all the graces of novelty, while nature is appealed to in every
particular.
    The reader gratifies his curiosity, in pursuing the adventures of a person
in whose favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathizes with
him in distress, his indignation is heated against the authors of his calamity;
the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast between dejected virtue, and
insulting vice, appears with greater aggravation, and every impression having a
double force on the imagination, the memory retains the circumstance, and the
heart improves by the example. The attention is not tired with a bare Catalogue
of characters, but agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the
vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an ample
field for wit and humour.
    Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity and superstition. In
the dark ages of the world, when a man had rendered himself famous for wisdom or
valour, his family and adherents availed themselves of his superior qualities,
magnified his virtues, and represented his character and person as sacred and
supernatural. The vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and
yielded the tribute of homage and praise even to adoration; his exploits were
handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they were repeated as
incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars erected to his
memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to imitate his example; and
hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no other than a collection of
extravagant Romances. - As learning advanced, and genius received cultivation,
these stories were embellished with the graces of poetry, that they might the
better recommend themselves to the attention; they were sung in public, at
festivals, for the instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed before
battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were
born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. - It is no wonder,
that the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so many
remarkable events celebrated in verse, by their best poets; we therefore, find
no romance among them, during the æra of their excellence, unless the Cyropædia
of Zenophon may be so called; and it was not till arts and sciences began to
revive, after the irruption of the Barbarians into Europe, that any thing of
this kind appeared. But when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition
of priest-craft to the most absurd pitch of credulity; the authors of romance
arose, and losing sight of probability, filled their performances with the most
monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient poets in point of
genius, they were resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply to the wonder
rather than the judgment of their readers. Accordingly they brought negromancy
to their aid, and instead of supporting the character of their heroes, by
dignity of sentiment and practice, distinguished them by their bodily strength,
activity and extravagance of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous
and unnatural than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and
admirers, and the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of
knight-errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed
the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point of view, and
converting romance to purposes far more useful and entertaining, by making it
assume the sock, and point out the follies of ordinary life.
    The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors, and
by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who in his adventures of Gil
Blas, has described the knavery and foibles of life, with infinite humour and
sagacity. - The following sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking the
liberty, however, to differ from him in the execution, where I thought his
particular situations were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country in
which the scene is laid. - The disgraces of Gil Blas, are for the most part,
such as rather excite mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his
transitions from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that
neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with
affliction. - This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from probability,
but prevents that generous indignation, which ought to animate the reader,
against the sordid and vicious disposition of the world.
    I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling with every difficulty
to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want of experience, as
well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base indifference of mankind. -
To secure a favourable prepossession, I have allowed him the advantages of birth
and education, which in the series of his misfortunes, will, I hope, engage the
ingenuous more warmly in his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will
be offended at the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself the
judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those situations to
which he must of course be confined, in his low estate; but also find
entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the humours and passions are
undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or education; and the whimsical
peculiarities of disposition appear as nature has implanted them. - But I
believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by the
best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named.
    Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not deviated
from nature, in the facts, which are all true in the main, although the
circumstances are altered and disguised to avoid personal satire.
    It now remains, to give my reasons for making the chief personage of this
work a North-Briton; which are chiefly these: I could at a small expense bestow
on him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and character
required, which could not possibly be obtained in England, by such slender means
as the nature of my plan would afford. In the next place, I could represent
simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more propriety, than
in any place near the capital; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots,
addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that
country.
    That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning oaths which
proceed from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to
premise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of
such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal representation of the
discourse with which they are commonly interlarded.
 

                                    Apologue

A Young painter indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation-piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass; and to
render it more striking, humorous and moral, distinguished every figure by some
emblem of human life.
    Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken
soldier; the owl perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacle on
nose, seemed to contemplate a news paper; and the ass, ornamented with a huge
tye-wig, (which, however, could not conceal his long ears) sat for his picture
to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of painting. This whimsical
group afforded some mirth, and met with general approbation, until some
mischievous wag hinted that the whole was a lampoon upon the friends of the
performer: an insinuation which was no sooner circulated, than those very people
who applauded it before, began to be alarmed, and even to fancy themselves
signified by the several figures of the piece.
    Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army with
reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to the lodgings of
the painter, and finding him at home, »Heark ye, Mr. Monkey, said he, I have a
good mind to convince you that tho' the bear has lost his teeth, he retains his
paws, and that he is not so drunk but he can perceive your impertinence -
'Sblood! sir, that toothless jaw is a damned scandalous libel - but, don't you
imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.« -
Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who advancing to
the culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed, »Suppose the augmentation of the
ass's ears should prove the diminution of the baboon's - nay, seek not to
prevaricate, for by the beard of Æsculapius! there is not one hair in this
periwig that will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of personal abuse -
Do but observe, captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very
curls - the colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are
quite similar.« - While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a
venerable senator entered, and waddling up to the delinquent, »Jackanapes! cried
he, I will now let thee see, I can read something else than a news paper, and
that, without the help of spectacles - here is your own note of hand, sirrah,
for money which if I had not advanced, you yourself would have resembled an owl,
in not daring to show your face by day, you ungrateful, slanderous knave!«
    In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to give
offence, or to characterize particular persons: they affirmed the resemblance
was too palpable to be overlooked, they taxed him with insolence, malice, and
ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard by the public, the captain was a
bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl to his dying day.
    Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember this
example while thou art employed in the perusal of the following sheets; and seek
not to appropriate to thyself that which equally belongs to five hundred
different people. If thou should'st meet with a character that reflects thee in
some ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel; consider that one feature
makes not a face, and that tho' thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle
nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament.

                                   Chapter I

 
                           Of my birth and parentage
 
I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom in the house of my
grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on many
occasions signalized himself in behalf of his country; and was remarkable for
his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success, in quality of a
judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.
    My father, his youngest son, fell in love with a poor relation, who lived
with the old gentleman, and performed the office of housekeeper; whom he
privately espoused; of which marriage I am the first fruit. - During her
pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much, that my father, tired with her
importunity, at last consulted a seer, whose favourable interpretation he would
have secured before-hand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed,
she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who to her great surprise,
acted the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket, that it
disappeared in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the loss
of her off-spring; when all of a sudden, she beheld it return with equal
violence, and earth itself beneath her feet, whence immediately sprung up a
goodly tree covered with blossons, the scent of which operated so strongly on
her nerves that she awoke. - The attentive sage, after some deliberation,
assured my parents, that their first-born would be a great traveller, that he
would undergo many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to his native
land, where he would flourish with great reputation and happiness. - How truly
this was foretold, will appear in the sequel. - It was not long before some
officious person informed my grandfather of familiarities that passed between
his son and housekeeper, which alarmed him so much, that, a few days after, he
told my father it was high time for him to enter into the holy state of
matrimony, and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in
justice have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to conceal
his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done, and excused himself
for not having asked the consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would be
to no purpose; and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather might
have taken such measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it
out of his power: he added, that no exception could be made to his wife's
virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his
consideration. - The old gentleman, who kept all his passions (except one) in
excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper; and then calmly asked,
how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? - He replied he could be in no
danger of wanting, while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his wife
would always cherish with the utmost veneration; that he was persuaded his
allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and
the provision already made to his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled
under his protection. - Your brothers and sisters, said my grandfather, did not
think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as
matrimony; neither (I suppose) would you have omitted that piece of duty, had
you not some secret fund in reserve, to the comforts of which I leave you, with
a desire that you will this night, seek out another habitation for yourself and
wife, whither in a short time, I will send you an account of the expense I have
been at in your education, with a view of being reimbursed. - Sir, you have made
the grand tour - you are a polite gentleman - a very pretty gentleman - I wish
you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant. So saying, he left my
father in a situation easily imagined. However, he did not long hesitate; for
being perfectly well acquainted with his father's disposition, he did not doubt
that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him; and as his resolves were
invariable like the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no
purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without any farther
application, he betook himself with his disconsolate bedfellow, to a farm-house,
where an old servant of his mother dwelt; there they remained some time in a
situation but ill adapted to the elegance of their desires and tenderness of
their love; which nevertheless, my father endured, rather than supplicate an
unnatural and inflexible parent: but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences
she would be exposed to, if she must be delivered in this place (and her
pregnancy was very far advanced) without communicating her design to her
husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears
and condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which
could not otherwise be amended. - She found means to deceive the servants, and
was introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some
matrimonial grievances, it being my grandfather's particular province to decide
in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence, where
discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most affecting manner,
implored his forgiveness; at the same time, representing the danger that
threatened not only her life, but that of his own grandchild which was about to
see the light. - He told her, he was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his
son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them
any assistance - That he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to
her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any
further importunity. - This said, he retired. - The violence of my mother's
affliction had such an effect on her constitution, that she was immediately
seized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old maid-servant to whom she
was very dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my
grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must have
fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. - By the friendship of
this poor woman, she was carried up to a garret, and immediately delivered of a
man-child, the story of whose unfortunate birth, he himself now relates. - My
father being informed of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling
spouse, and while he loaded his off-spring with paternal caresses, could not
forbear shedding a flood of tears, on beholding the dear partner of his heart
(for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched
upon a flock-bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the
inclemencies of the weather. - It is not to be supposed that the old gentleman
was ignorant of what passed, tho' he affected to know nothing of the matter, and
pretended to be very much surprised, when the son of his deceased eldest son, a
pert boy, who lived with him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the
affair; he determined therefore to preserve no medium, but immediately (on the
third day after her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to begone, and turned
off the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my
father, that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations, and on his bare
knees implored that heaven would renounce him, if ever he should forget or
forgive the barbarity of his sire. - The injuries which this unhappy mother
received from her removal in such circumstances, and the want of necessaries
where she lodged, together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her
into a languishing disorder which put an end to her life. My father, who loved
her tenderly, was so affected with her death, that he remained six weeks
deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he lodged, carried
the infant to the old man, who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy story
of his daughter-in-law's death, and the deplorable condition of his son, that he
sent the child to nurse, and ordered my father to be carried home to his house,
where he soon recovered the use of his reason. - Whether this hard-hearted judge
felt any remose for his cruel treatment of his son and daughter; or (which is
more probable) was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood; he
professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was
succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and
notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could never be heard of, which confirmed
most people in the opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of
despair. - How I understood the particulars of my birth, will appear in the
course of these memoirs.
 

                                   Chapter II

I grow up - am hated by my relations - sent to school - neglected by my
grandfather - maltreated by my master - seasoned to adversity - form cabals
against the pedant - debarred access to my grandfather - hunted by his heir -
demolish the teeth of his tutor
 
There were not wanting some, who suspected my uncles of being concerned in my
father's fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the patrimony
destined for him: and this conjecture seemed supported by reflecting, that in
all his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve him;
but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his father's
resentment, and strengthened his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. -
But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera; because had
my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest by committing such an
atrocious crime, the fate of my father would have extended to me too, whose life
was another obstacle to their expectation. - Mean while, I grew apace, and as I
strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted
nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a
weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who, the more my infancy
promised, conceived the more implacable hatred against me; and before I was six
years of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather, that I never saw him
but by stealth; when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his
labourers in the field: on which occasions, he would stroak my head, bid me be a
good boy, and promise he would take care of me. - I was soon after sent to
school at a village hard by, of which he had been dictator time out of mind: but
as he neither paid for my board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, and other
necessaries I required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible, and the
school-master, who through fear of my grandfather taught me gratis, gave himself
no concern about the progress I made under his instruction. - In spite of all
these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the Latin
tongue; and as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with
letters to such a degree, that he sent for my master, and chide him severely for
bestowing such pains on my education, telling him, that if ever I should be
brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood
should lie on his head. - The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the
displeasure of his patron, assured his honour that the boy's ability was more
owing to his own genius and application, than to any instruction or
encouragement he received; that, although he could not divest him of the
knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would impower him to disable his
fingers, he should endeavour, with G-d's help, to prevent his future
improvement. And indeed, he punctually performed what he had undertaken: for, on
pretence that I had wrote impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a
board to be made with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and
thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by whip-cord to my wrist, in such a
manner, that I was effectually debarr'd the use of my pen. But this restraint I
was freed from in a few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between
me and another boy, who taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed
at this ungenerous reproach, that with one stroke of my machine, I cut him to
the skull, to the great terror of myself and school-fellows, who left him
bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had happened. I was
so severely punished for this trespass, that, were I to live to the age of
Methusalem, the impression it made on me would not be effaced; no more than the
antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The
contempt which my appearance naturally produced, in all who saw me, the
continual wants I was exposed to, and my own haughty disposition, impatient of
affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by which I was at
length enured to adversity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I
was often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit, because having the
character of a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. - I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I
never entered, of killing cats I never hurted, of stealing gingerbread I never
touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. - Nay, a stammering carpenter had
eloquence enough to persuade my master, that I fired a pistol loaded with small
shot, into his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness,
that I was a-bed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. - I
was flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry-boat
in which I was passenger. - Another time for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. - A third time, for being bit by
a baker's dog. - In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the vengeance
and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. Far from being subdued
by this infernal usage, my indignation triumphed over that slavish awe which had
hitherto enforced my obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increased,
the more I perceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help
of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served
my father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classicks, writing
and arithmetick; so that before I was twelve years old, I was confessedly the
best scholar in the school: This qualification, together with a boldness of
temper, and strength of make, which had subjected almost all my cotemporaries,
gave me such influence over them, that I began to form cabals against my
persecutor; and was in hopes of being able to bid him defiance in a very short
time. - Being at the head of a faction consisting of thirty boys, most of them
of my own age, I was determined to put their mettal to trial, that I might know
how far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in
execution: with this view we attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken
possession of a part of the ground allotted to us, for the scene of our
diversions; and who were then playing at nine-pins on the spot: but I had the
mortification to see my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them
broke in his flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in
pursuit of us. - This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them
afterwards, in frequent skirmishes which we maintained by throwing stones at a
distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our
enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these alarms, that they at last
abandoned their conquest, and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own
territories. - It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the
course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole village;
insomuch, that when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly
courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known) to cast
the balance, and keep the opposite faction in awe. - Meanwhile, I took the
advantage of every play-day, to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I
seldom found access, by reason of his being so closely besieged by a numerous
family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled
among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of all.
His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and
indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grandfather's
indulgence, in entertaining a tutor for him at home; who at the same time
performed the office of parish clerk. This young Acteon, who inherited his
grandfather's antipathy to every thing in distress, never set eyes on me,
without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other,
whither I generally fled for shelter. In this christian amusement, he was
encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to
ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing that the old gentleman,
according to course of nature, had not long to live, being already on the verge
of fourscore. - The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much,
that one day, when I was beleagued by him and his hounds into a farmer's house,
where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman)
with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth, and effectually
incapacitated him for doing the office of a clerk ever after.
 

                                  Chapter III

My mother's brother arrives - relieves me - a description of him - goes along
with me to the house of my grandfather - is encountered by his dogs - defeats
them after a bloody engagement - is admitted to the old gentleman - a dialogue
between them
 
About this time, my mother's only brother, who had been long abroad, lieutenant
of a man of war, arrived in his own country; where being informed of my
condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender finances, not only supplied
me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved not to leave the
country, until he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome
for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, being
entirely ignorant not only of the judge's disposition, but also unacquainted
with the ways of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an
utter stranger. - He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy-legged, with a neck
like that of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood
the most obstinate assaults of the weather. - His dress consisted of a soldier's
coat altered for him by the ship's tailor, a stripped flannel jacket, a pair of
red breeches japanned with pitch, clean grey worsted stockings, large silver
buckles that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat whose crown
over-looked the brims about an inch and a half, a black bob wig in the buckle, a
check shirt, a silk handkerchief, an hanger with a brass handle girded to his
thigh by a tarnished laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. - Thus
equipt, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance) for
my grandfather's house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Cæsar, whom my
cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with
the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my
uncle seizing me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one
blow laid Cæsar sprawling on the ground: but finding himself attacked at the
same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Cæsar might recover, he drew his
hanger, wheel'd about, and by a lucky stroke, severed Jowler's head from his
body. - By this time, the young fox-hunter and three servants armed with
pitch-forks and flails were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found
breathless upon the field. My cousin was so provoked at the death of his
favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and take vengeance on
their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and reproaches his anger
could suggest. - Upon which my uncle stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at
the sight of whose bloody weapon, his antagonists fell back with precipitation;
when he accosted their leader thus: - »Lookée, brother, your dogs having boarded
me without provocation, what I did was in my own defence. - So you had best be
civil, and let us shoot a-head, clear of you.« Whether the young 'squire
misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of his
hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail
from one of his followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant,
who putting himself into a posture of defence, proceeded thus: - »Lookée, you
lubberly son of a w-e, if you come athwart me, 'ware your gingerbread-work. -
I'll be foul of your quarter, d-n me.« This declaration followed by a flourish
of his hanger, seemed to check the progress of the young gentleman's choler,
who, upon turning about, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut
the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself. - Here a parley
ensued, which was introduced by my cousin's asking, »Who the d-l are you? - What
do you want? - Some scoundrel of a seaman (I suppose) who has deserted and
turned thief. - But don't think you shall escape, sirrah, - I'll have you
hanged, you dog, - I will. - Your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you
ragamuffin. - I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation
from the gallows, you ruffian, you.« - »None of your jaw, you swab, - none of
your jaw (replied my uncle) else I shall trim your laced jacket for you - I
shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy - I shall.« - So saying, he
sheathed his hanger and grasped his cudgel. Mean-while the people of the house
being alarm'd, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the
matter? - »The matter! (answered the lieutenant) no great matter, young woman. -
I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, won't allow me
to come along side of him, that's all.« - After a few minutes pause, we were
admitted, and conducted to my grandfather's chamber, through a lane of my
relations, who honoured me with very significant looks, as I passed along. -
When we came into the judge's presence, my uncle, after two or three sea-bows,
expressed himself in this manner: - »Your servant, your servant. - What cheer,
father? what cheer? - I suppose you don't know me - may hap you don't. - My name
is Tom Bowling, - and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him
neither, - 'tis like you mayn't. - He's new-rigged, i' faith; - his cloth don't
shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. - 'Tis my nephew, d'ye see, Roderick
Random, - your own flesh and blood, old gentleman, don't lag a stern, you dog,
don't (pulling me forward).« My grandfather (who was laid up with the gout)
received this relation, after his long absence, with that civility and coldness
which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him to
sit down. - »Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand, (said my uncle) for
my own part, I desire nothing of you; but if you have any conscience at all, do
something for this poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. -
Unchristian do I call it? - I am sure the Moors in Barbary, have more humanity
than to leave their little ones to misery and want. - I would fain know, why my
sister's son is more neglected than that there Fair-weather Jack, (pointing to
the young 'squire, who with the rest of my cousins, had followed us into the
room.) Is he not as near a-kin to you as the other? - Is not he much handsomer
and better built than that great chucklehead? - Come, come, consider, old
gentleman, you are going in a short time, to give an account of your evil
actions. - Remember the wrongs you did his father; and make all the satisfaction
in your power, before it be too late. - The least thing you can do, is to settle
his father's portion on him.« - The young ladies, who thought themselves too
much concerned, to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats
altogether against my protector, who stopped his ears with his fingers, and
cried out, that all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him. - »Scurvy
companion, - saucy tarpawlin, - rude, impertinent fellow, did he think to
prescribe to grandpapa.« - His sister's brat had been too well taken care of, -
Grandpapa was too just not to make a difference between an unnatural rebellious
son, and his dutiful loving children who took his advice in all things; and such
expressions, were levelled against him with great violence; until the judge at
length commanded silence. - He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly
behaviour, which he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told
him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight
years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning; but was
addicted to all manner of vice, which he the rather believed, because he himself
was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his
chaplain. - But however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him
apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his
manners, and behave for the future, as became him. - The honest tar (whose pride
and indignation boiled within him) answered my grandfather; that it was true he
had sent him to school, but it had cost him nothing, for he had never been at
one shilling expense, to furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other
necessaries; so, that it was not to be much wondered at, if the boy made small
progress; and yet, whoever told him so, was guilty of a damn'd lie, for he was
allowed by those who understood those matters, to be the best scholar of his
age, in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager
of his whole half year's pay on the boy's head; - (with these words he pulled
out his purse, and challenged the company.) - Neither is he addicted to vice, as
you affirm, but very much exposed to ill usage, by your neglect, on which
occasions, d'ye see, he never fails to show his spirit, which has been
misrepresented to you. - As for what happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry,
that he did not knock out the scoundrel's brains, instead of his teeth. - By the
Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland, - that's all. -
Thank you for your courteous offer, of binding the lad apprentice to a
tradesman, I suppose you would make a tailor of him - would you? - I had rather
see him hang'd, d'ye see. - Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my
boy, - let's tack about, i' faith, - while I have a shilling thou shan't want a
tester. B'wye, old gentleman, you're bound for the other world, but I believe
damnably ill provided for the voyage. - Thus ended our visit, and we returned to
the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the
young fry that surrounded him.
 

                                   Chapter IV

My grandfather makes his will. - Our second visit - he dies - his will is read
in presence of all his living descendants - the disappointment of my female
cousins - my uncle's behaviour
 
A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, after a
fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a notary and made
his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and being
conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all his descendants
without exception. - In obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a
second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather; often repeating
by the road, »Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. - You shall see,
- you shall see the effect of my admonition.« - When we entered his chamber,
which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bed-side, where we
found him in his last agonies, supported by two of his grand-daughters, who sat
on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and
slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of
great anguish and affection. - I know not whether or not he perceived my uncle,
who approached him with these words, »What! he's not a weigh. How fare ye, - how
fare ye, old gentleman? - Lord have mercy upon your poor sinful soul.« - But the
dying man turned his sunken eyes towards us, - when my uncle went on. - »Here's
poor Rory come to see you before you die and receive your blessing. - What man!
don't despair, - you have been a great sinner, 'tis true, - what then? There's a
righteous judge above, - isn't there? He minds me no more than a porpuss - Yes,
yes, he's a going, - the land crabs will have him, I see that; - his anchor's a
peak, i' faith!« - This homely consolation scandalized the company so much, and
especially the parson, who probably thought his province invaded, that we were
obliged to retire into another room, where in a few minutes, we were convinced
of my grandfather's decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his
apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired
a little before, into a closet under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow,
asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was
certainly dead? - »Dead! (says my uncle, looking at the body) ay, ay, I'll
warrant him as dead as a herring. - Odd's fish! now my dream is out for all the
world. - I thought I stood upon the Fore-castle, and saw a parcel of carrion
crows foul of a dead shark that floated alongside, and the devil perching on our
sprit-sailyard, in the likeness of a blue bear - who, d'ye see, jumped
over-board upon the carcase, and carried it to the bottom in his claws.« - »Out
upon thee, reprobate (cries the parson) out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! -
Dost thou think his honour's soul is in the possession of Satan?« - The clamour
immediately arose, and my poor uncle, who was shouldered from one corner of the
room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would
turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had a title to send him
a-drift. - »None of your tricks upon travellers (said he;) may hap, old buff has
left my kinsman here, his heir; - If he has, it will be the better for his
miserable soul. - Odd's bob! I'd desire no better news. - I'd soon make a clear
ship, I warrant you.« - To avoid any farther disturbance, one of my
grandfather's executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew
should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed, after the
funeral, for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his
relations; till such time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain
close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness of this ceremony, which
was immediately performed to his satisfaction. - In the mean time, orders were
given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included:
but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of it, until I should be assured
whether or no I had reason to honour his memory so far. - During this interval,
the conjectures of people, with regard to the old gentleman's will, were
various: as it was well known, he had, besides his landed estate, which was
worth 700 l. per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest. Some imagined,
that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young
man whom he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally
divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. - Others were of
opinion, that as the rest of his children had been already provided for, he
would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his grand-daughters,
and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage towards my
father. - At length the important hour arrived, and the will was produced in the
midst of the expectants, whose looks and gestures formed a group that would
have been very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. - But the reader can
scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that appeared, when an
attorney pronounced aloud, the young 'squire sole heir of all his grandfather's
estate personal and real. - My uncle, who had listened with great attention,
sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied these words of the
attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and
pertest of my female competitors, who had been always very officious about my
grandfather's person, enquired with a faltering accent, and visage as yellow as
an orange, »if there were no legacies?« she was answered, »none at all.« - Upon
which she fainted away. - The rest, whose expectations (perhaps) were not so
sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution; though not
without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as
that which appeared in them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor, after
having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began: »So
there's no legacy, friend, ha! - here's an old Succubus; - but somebody's soul
howls for it, d-n me!« - The parson of the parish, who was one of the executors,
and had acted as ghostly director of the old man, no sooner heard this, than he
cried out, »Avaunt, unchristian reveler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of
his honour to rest in the grave till the resurrection?« - But this zealous
pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young
ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the
part of a busy-body with their grandpapa, whose ears he had most certainly
abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have neglected
them, in such an unnatural manner. - The young 'squire was much diverted with
this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he
would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he term'd the
clergyman). - The surly lieutenant, who was not in an humour to relish this
amusement, replied, »you and your dogs may be damned. - I suppose you'll find
them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell. - Come, Rory - about ship, my
lad, we must steer another course, I think.« - and away we went.
 

                                   Chapter V

The School-master uses me barbarously. - I form a project of revenge, in which I
am assisted by my uncle. -- I leave the village -- am settled at an university
by his generosity
 
On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the space of a
whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence, the tune of, Why should we
quarrel for riches, &amp;'c. his visage being contracted all the while into a
most formidable frown. At length his pace was increased to such a degree, that I
was often left behind a considerable way, which when he perceived, he would wait
for me; and when I was almost up with him, call out in a surly tone, »Bear a
hand, damme! - must I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog.« - Then
laying hold of me by the arm, haul me along, until his good nature (of which he
had a good share) and reflection, getting the better of his passion, he would
say, »Come, my boy, don't be cast down, - the old rascal is in hell, - that's
some satisfaction; - you shall go to sea with me, my lad. - A light heart and a
thin pair of breeches, goes thro' the world, brave boys; as the song goes - eh!«
- Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid of
discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I had in
the world; and he was so much a seaman, that he never dreamt I could have any
objection to his design; consequently, gave himself no trouble in consulting my
approbation. But this resolution was soon dropped, at the advice of our usher, who
assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities to baulk my genius, which
would certainly, one day, make my fortune on shore, provided it received due
cultivation. - Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill
afford it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my board and
other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its colleges,
whither we repaired in a short time. - But before the day of our departure, the
school-master, who no longer had the fear of my grandfather before his eyes,
laid aside all decency and restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest
language his rancour could suggest, as a wicked profligate, dull, beggarly
miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed in the most
bitter manner against the memory of the judge (who by the bye had procured that
settlement for him) hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman's
soul was damn'd to all eternity, for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my
learning. - This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly
undergone, made me think it high time to be revenged of this insolent pedagogue.
Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their promises to
stand by me; and our scheme was this: - In the afternoon preceeding the day of
departure for the university, I was to take the advantage of the usher's going
out to make water (which he regularly did at four o'clock) and shut the great
door, that he might not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done,
the assault was to be begun, by my advancing to the master and spitting in his
face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the school, who were
devoted to me; their business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench,
over which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged with his
own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in the struggle; but if we should
find him too many for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our
competitors, who should be ready to reinforce us, or oppose any thing that might
be undertaken by the rest of the boys for the master's relief. One of my
principal assistants was called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy
gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet
of a family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. - I had
once saved Gawky's life, by plunging into a river where he was on the point of
being drowned, and by the help of swimming, dragging him ashore; I had often
rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance had
provoked, to a resentment he was not able to sustain; - and I had many times
saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at school; so
that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular regard for me and my
interests. The attachment of Strap, flowed from a voluntary, disinterested
inclination, which had manifested itself on many occasions in my behalf, having
once rendered me the same service as I had afforded to Gawky, by saving my life
at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences I had committed, for which
he suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the punishment I
deserved. - These two champions were the more willing to engage in this
enterprise, as they intended to leave the school next day, as well as I; the
first being ordered by his father to return into the country, and the other
being bound apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far off.
    In the mean time, my uncle being informed of my master's behaviour to me,
was enraged beyond all composition, and vowed revenge so heartily, that I could
not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, which he heard with
great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of spittle,
tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid. - At last,
pulling up his breeches, he cried, »No, no, Z-ds! that won't do neither, --
howsomever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad, - that I must say, i' faith! - but
lookée, lookée, how dost propose to get clear off? - won't the enemy give chase,
my boy? - ay, ay, that he will, I warrant - and alarm the whole coast - ah! G-d
help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory. - Let me alone for that - leave the
whole to me - I'll show him the foretop-sail, I will. - If so be that your
ship-mates are jolly boys, and won't flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad,
I'll play him a salt-water trick - I'll bring him to the gang-way, and anoint
him with a cat and nine tails, - he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he
shall - and be left lashed, to his meditations.« - We were very proud of our
associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the instrument of his
revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he ordered our baggage to
be packed up and sent off, a day before our attempt, and got horses ready to be
mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when
our auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted in,
secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who
bawled out »Murder! Thieves!« - with the voice of a stentor. Though I trembled
all over like an aspen-leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and
accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to my assistance. Strap without
any hesitation obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap upon the master's back, ran
immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his force, this dreadful
adversary was soon humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto
remained in his place, under the influence of an universal trepidation, hastened
to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in
which the whole school joined. - This noise alarmed the usher, who finding
himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly by entreaties, to
procure admission. - My uncle bid him have a little patience, and he would let
him in presently; but if he pretended to move from that place, it should fare
the worse with the son of a b-ch his superior, on whom he intended only to
bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous usage of Rory, »to
which (said he) you are no stranger.« - By this time we had dragged the criminal
to a post, to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose,
after having fastened his hands behind his back, pulled down his breeches, and
tucked up his garments and shirt, as far as they would go. - In this ludicrous
posture he stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about
him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight) venting
bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with
treachery and rebellion: when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in
this manner: »Harkée, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, d'ye see -
and I have a respect for you - but for all that, we must for our own security
(d'ye see) belay you for a short time.« - With these words, he pulled out some
fathoms of cord, which the honest man no sooner saw, than he protested with
great earnestness, that he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the
same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing, that
it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with violence and
indecency; but only to hinder him from raising the hue and cry against us,
before we should be out of their power; he allowed himself to be bound to his
own desk, where he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal.
My uncle having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told
him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of his soul:
which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and dexterity. This
smart application to the pedant's withered posteriors, gave him such exquisite
pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed, blasphemed, and acted to
the life, the part of a frantick bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself
sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words, »Now, friend,
you'll remember me the longest day you have to live - I have given you a lesson,
that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more sympathy for
the future - shout, boys, shout.« - This ceremony was no sooner over, than my
uncle proposed they should quit the school, and convoy their old comrade Rory to
a public house, about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. -
This offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and
begged him to accompany us, which he refused with great disdain, telling my
benefactor, that he was not the man he took him to be. - »Well, well, old surly
(replied my uncle, shaking his hand) thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding;
and if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be school master, i'
faith.« So saying, he dismissed the boys, and locking the door, left the two
preceptors to console one another; while we moved forwards on our journey,
attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated according to his promise. - We
parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about ten
miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next day, and
I found I had no cause to complain of the accommodations provided for me; being
boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my
mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, after having settled
the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.
 

                                   Chapter VI

I make great progress in my studies -- am caressed by every body -- my female
cousins take notice of me -- I reject their invitation -- they are incensed and
conspire against me -- I am left destitute by a misfortune that befals my uncle
- Gawky's treachery -- my revenge
 
As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious situation;
that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect me; and that
my sole dependence was on the generosity of one man, who was not only exposed by
his profession, to continual dangers, which might one day deprive me of him for
ever; but also (no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of disposition, which a
change of fortune usually creates; or, which a better acquaintance with the
world might produce: - for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of
a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind. - Alarmed at these
considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great care to my studies, and
enjoy the opportunity in my power: This I did with such success, that in the
space of three years, I understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in
the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy: logick I made
no account of; but above all things, I valued myself on my taste in the Belle
Lettre, and a talent for poetry, which had already produced some morceaus, that
brought me a great deal of reputation. These qualifications added to a good face
and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable people
in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree of favour with
the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune, to one of my amorous
complexion! which I obtained, or at least preserved, by gratifying their
propensity to scandal, in lampooning their rivals. - Two of my female cousins
lived in this place, with their mother, after the death of their father, who
left his whole fortune (which was considerable) equally divided between them; so
that if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest toasts
in town; and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the
country. - Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most
supercilious contempt, which I endeavoured to return by the most perfect
neglect, my character now attracted their notice so much, that I was given to
understand, I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased. - The
reader will easily perceive, that this condescension either flowed from the hope
of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice, or at least of
screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which they effectually
provoked. - I enjoyed this triumph with great rapture; and not only rejected
their offer with disdain, but, in all my performances, whether satire or
panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated
those of their intimates, which mortified their pride exceedingly, and incensed
them to such a degree, that they rendered themselves universally ridiculous in
satisfying their resentment against me. - The first stroke of their revenge
consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me, the
subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents;
but besides the badness of the composition (of which they themselves were
ashamed) they did not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with
those misfortunes, which they and their relations had intailed upon me; and
which consequently, reflected much more dishonour on themselves, than on me, who
was the innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice. - Finding this plan
miscarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman against me, by telling
him I had lampooned his mistress; and so effectually succeeded in the quality of
incendiaries, that this enraged lover determined to seize me next night, as I
returned to my lodgings from a friend's house that I frequented; with this view,
he waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had
imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, in which he proposed to
have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the weather, it being
then about the middle of December. - But this stratagem did not succeed; for,
being apprised of their ambush, I got home another way, and by the help of my
landlord's apprentice, emptied a close stool out of the garret window, which did
great execution upon them; and next day, occasioned so much mirth at their
expense, that they found themselves under a necessity of leaving the town, until
the adventure should be entirely forgotten. - My cousins (though twice baffled
in their expectation) did not however, desist from persecuting me, who had now
enraged them beyond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting their malice, and
preventing its effects: neither would I have found them more humane, had I
patiently submitted to their rancour, and bore without murmuring the rigour of
their unreasonable hate; for, I have found by experience, that though small
favours may be acknowledged, and slight injuries atoned, there is no wretch so
ungrateful as he, whom you have most generously obliged; and no enemy so
implacable, as those who have done you most wrong. - These good-natured
creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme which conspired with a piece of
bad news I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction they desired:
this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confident, and prevail on
him to betray the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars
of my small amours, which they published with such exaggerations, that I
suffered very much in the opinion of every body, and was utterly discarded, by
the dear creatures whose names had been called in question. - While I was busied
in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not only be revenged
on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends; I one day, perceived the
looks of my landlady so altered, when I went home to dinner, that upon enquiring
into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixing her eyes on the ground,
told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one enclosed
for me - she was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake, and his
own. - People should be more cautious of their conduct - she was always afraid
his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or other. - As for her
part, she would be very ready to befriend me; but she had a small family of her
own to maintain. - The world would do nothing for her if she should come to want
- charity begins at home. - She wished I had been bound to some substantial
handicraft, such as a weaver or shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in
learning foolish nonsense that would never bring me in a penny - but some folks
are wise, and some are otherwise. - I was listening to this mysterious
discourse, with great amazement, when her husband entered, and without speaking
a syllable, put both the letters into my hand. - I received them trembling, and
read what follows:
 

                                To Roger Potion

        Sir,
            »This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man of war;
        being obliged to sheer off, for killing my captain, which I did fairly
        on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the island of Hispaniola; having
        received his fire, and returned it, which went through his body: - and I
        would serve the best man so that ever stepped between stem and stern, if
        so be that he struck me, as captain Oakhum, did. I am (thank God) safe
        among the French, who are very civil, thof I don't understand their
        lingo, - and I hope to be restored in a little time, for all the great
        friends and parliamentary interest of the captain, for I have sent home
        to my landlord in Deal, an account of the whole affair, with our
        bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby I have desired him
        to lay it before his majesty, who (G-d bless him) will not suffer an
        honest tar to be wronged. - My love to your spouse, and am
Your loving friend,
and servant to command,
while
                                                                 THOMAS BOWLING«
 

                               To Roderick Random

        Dear Rory,
            »Don't be grieved at my misfortune - but mind your book, my lad. I
        have got no money to send you; but what of that? - Mr. Potion will take
        care of you, for the love he bears to me; and let you want for nothing,
        and it shall go hard, but I will see him one day repaid. - No more at
        present, but rests
Your dutiful uncle
and servant, till death,
                                                                 THOMAS BOWLING«
 
This letter (which with the other was dated from Port Louis in Hispaniola) was
no sooner read, than the apothecary shaking his head, began: -- »I have a very
great regard for Mr. Bowling, that's certain, - and could be well content -- but
times are very hard. - There's no such thing as money to be got - I believe 'tis
all vanished under-ground, for my part. - Besides, I have been out of pocket
already, having entertained you since the beginning of this month, without
receiving a six-pence, - and G-d knows if ever I shall; - for I believe it will
go hard with your uncle. - And more than that, I was thinking of giving you
warning, for I want your apartment for a new 'prentice, whom I expect from the
country every hour. - So, I desire you will this week provide yourself with
another lodging.« - The indignation which this harangue inspired, gave me
spirits to support my reverse of fortune; and to tell him, I despised his mean,
selfish disposition so much, that I would rather starve than be beholden to him
for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, I paid him to the last
farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep another night under
his roof. - This said, I sallied out, in a transport of rage and sorrow, without
knowing whither, to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable
of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. - After giving way for a
few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bed-room at the
rate of one shilling and six-pence per week, which I was obliged to pay per
-advance, before the landlord would receive me; hither I removed my luggage; and
next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a
person who had on all occasions, loaded me with caresses, and made frequent
offers of friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. - He
received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with
him, which I did not think fit to refuse. - But when I communicated the occasion
of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully
affected with the misery of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of the
most extensive sympathy and benevolence. - He did not leave me long under this
mistake; for recovering himself out of his confusion, he told me, he was grieved
at my misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord Mr.
Potion and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and when I repeated the
answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his
house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, »Is it possible
you could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so kindly all along?« -
My surprise at hearing this, was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and
I gave him to understand, with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so
unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel, who ought to be expelled from
every social community. - This heat of mine, gave him all the advantage he
desired over me, and our discourse (after much altercation) concluded in his
desiring never to see me again in that place; to which I yielded my consent,
assuring him, that had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as
I was now, he never should have had an opportunity to make that request. - And
thus we parted.
    On my return, I met my old comrade 'squire Gawky, whom his father had sent,
some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing; and to
see the world. As I had lived with him, since his arrival, on the footing of our
old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my
circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present expense;
upon which he pulled out an handful of half-pence with a shilling or two among
them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter day;
having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards.
Though this might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his
indifference; for he neither discovered any sympathy for my mishap, nor desire
of alleviating my distress; and accordingly, I left him without uttering one
word. But when I afterwards understood, that he was the person who had formerly
betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the
tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and
exultation, I determined with myself to call him to a severe account; for which
purpose, I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me at a
certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of punishing his
perfidy, at the expense of his blood. - He accepted the invitation, and I betook
myself to the field, though not without feeling considerable repugnance to the
combat, which frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the way; - but the desire
of revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel
these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good grace:
there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill pleased to
find he had no mind to meet me; because now I should have an opportunity of
exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly
wheresoever I should find him, without any dread of the consequence. - Elevated
with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of my deplorable
condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, where I was informed of his
precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less than an hour
after he had received my billet. - Whereupon, I was vain enough to have the
whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold-laced hat
to my landlord, for less than half-price, to defray the expense, and contribute
to my subsistence.
 

                                  Chapter VII

I am entertained by Mr. Crab -- a description of him -- I acquire the art of
surgery -- consult Crab's disposition -- become necessary to him - an accident
happens - he advises me to launch out into the world -- assists me with money --
I set out for London
 
The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my
success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and avoided
by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a solitary being,
no ways comprehended within the scheme or protection of providence. My despair
had rendered me almost quite stupefied, when I was one day told, that a
gentleman desired to see me, at a certain public house, whither immediately I
repaired; and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab a surgeon in town, who
was engaged with two more, in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by
tossing a quartern of brandy into a quart of small beer. - Before I relate the
occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to the reader,
if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some circumstances of
his character and conduct, which may illustrate what follows, and account for
his behaviour to me.
    This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five foot high, and ten
round the belly; his face was capacious as a full moon, and much of the
complexion of a mulberry: his nose resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an
enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little grey eyes
reflected the rays in such an oblique manner, that while he looked a person full
in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. -
He had long entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, tho' a
younger practitioner, had engrossed more business than he, and once had the
assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the
prognostic of the said Crab. - This quarrel, which was at one time upon the
point of being made up, by the interposition and mediation of friends, had been
lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives
of the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed about
precedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty,
by the gossips, prevented from converting the occasion of joy, into a scene of
blood.
    The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I was
sent for by Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have expected from one
of his disposition; and after desiring me to sit, enquired into the particulars
of my leaving the house of Potion; which when I had related, he said with a
malicious grin, - »Here's a sneaking dog! - I always thought him a fellow
without a soul, d-n me! - a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by
his hypocrisy, and kissing the a-se of every body.« - »Ay, ay, (says another)
one might see with half an eye, that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his
going so regularly to church.« This sentence was confirmed by the third, who
assured his companions, that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor
but once, at a meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an
extempore prayer an hour long. - After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to
me in these words, »Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I'll
do for you. - You may send your things to my house when you please. - I have
given orders for your reception. - Z-ds! what does the booby stare at? - If you
have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone and be d-n'd.«
- I answered with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly
offer, of which I would immediately avail myself, as soon as he should inform
me, on what footing I should be entertained. - »What footing (d-n my blood,
cried he) d'ye expect to have a footman and couple of horses kept for you?« -
No, Sir (I replied) my expectations are not quite so sanguine. - That I may be
as little burdensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by
which means I may save you the expense of a journey-man, or porter at least, for
I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the
practice of that art, while I lived with Mr. Potion: neither am I altogether
ignorant of surgery, which I have studied with great pleasure and application. -
»O ho! you did (says Crab). Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! - Studied
surgery! what? in books I suppose. - I shall have you disputing with me, one of
these days, on points of my profession. - You can already account for muscular
motion (I warrant) and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves - ha! - You
are too learned for me, d-n me. - But let's hear no more of this stuff, - can
you bleed and give a clyster, spread a plaster and prepare a potion? answer me
to that.« - Upon my answering him in the affirmative, he shook his head, telling
me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my promises; - but
however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. - I was accordingly that
very night admitted to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the
garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification my
pride suffered in this change of circumstances. I was soon convinced of the real
motives which induced Crab to receive me in this manner: for besides the
gratification of his revenge, in exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in
opposition to his own generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for
a young man who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of
his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul play
from his master's brutality. - The knowledge of this, together with his daily
behaviour to his wife, and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my
enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not perceive how I could
bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper with all
the application, and manage it with all the address I was master of. - And it
was not long before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour, which governed
his behaviour towards all his dependants. - I observed when he was pleased, he
was such a niggard of his satisfaction, that if his wife or servants betrayed
the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an insupportable degree
of choler and fury, the effects of which they seldom failed to feel. - And when
his indignation was roused, submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond
the bounds of reason and humanity. - I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and
one day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy
ragamuffin - I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both
understood, and performed my business as well as he could do for his soul:
neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back,
and was descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with.
He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook his cane
over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly diabolical.
Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and posture, I yet had
reflection enough left, to convince me, I had gone too far to retract, and that
this was the critical minute which must decide my future lot, in his service;
whereupon I snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore if he offered to
strike me without cause, I would see whether his scull or my weapon was hardest.
- He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations, - »This is fine usage from a servant to a master, -- very fine! --
damnation! -- but, no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall. - I'll
do your business -- yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift your hand against me.« - So
saying, he retired and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished
entirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and
treated me with a glass of punch after dinner. - By this conduct, I got the
ascendency over him in a short time, and became so necessary to him, in managing
his business while he was engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a
kinder aspect with regard to me; and I consoled myself for the disregard of my
former acquaintance, with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close application
to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation.
- I was on very good terms with my master's wife, whose esteem I acquired and
cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights my
satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some christian
offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to which she had
often times recourse for consolation, under the affliction she suffered from a
barbarous husband. - In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings
of my uncle, for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no
company, being neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capacity to maintain much
acquaintance: for the Nabal my master allowed me no wages; and the small
perquisites of my station scarce supplied me with the common necessaries of
life. - I was no longer, a pert, unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular
applause, and elevated with the extravagance of hope; my misfortunes had taught
me how little the caresses of the world during a man's prosperity, are to be
valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set himself about
making himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the
least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of instruction
that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the future. I became
such a sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that every body
pronounced me crest-fallen; and Gawky returned to town without running any risk
from my resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and restrained by
prudential reasons, so effectually, that I never so much as thought of obtaining
satisfaction for the injuries he had done me. - When I deemed myself
sufficiently master of my business, I began to cast about for an opportunity of
launching into the world, in hopes of finding some provision, that might make
amends for the difficulties I had undergone: but, as this could not be effected
without a small sum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost
perplexity how to raise it, well knowing, that Crab, for his own sake, would
never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much
concerned in my stay. - But a small accident, which happened about this time,
determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of his maid
servant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the same time, that I
was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason to question the truth of this
imputation, I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her
master and her; of which availing myself, I represented to her the folly of
laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to much greater
advantage with Mr. Crab: She listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him
with the pretended success of their mutual endeavour. - He was far from being
over-joyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very
troublesome consequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and
reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he
knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and
undermining his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness,
in the opinion of those who inhabit that part of the island where he lived. - He
therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to persuade the girl,
that she was not with child, but only afflicted with a disorder incident to
young women, which he could easily remove: with this view (as he pretended) he
prescribed for her such medicines, as he thought would infallibly procure
abortion; but in this he was disappointed, for the maid being advertised by me
of his design, and at the same time well satisfied with her own condition,
absolutely refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her
situation to the world, if he did not immediately take some method of providing
for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months. - It was not
long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by his addressing himself
to me (one day) in this manner: »I am surprised, that a young fellow like you,
discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world. - By G-d, before I
was of your age, I was broiling on the coast of Guinea. - Damme! what's to
hinder you from profiting by the war, which will certainly be declared in a
short time against Spain? - You may easily get on board of a king's ship in
quality of a surgeon's mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of
practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize money.« - I laid hold of this
declaration, which I had long wished for, and assured him I would follow his
advice with pleasure, if it was in my power; but that it was impossible for me,
to embrace an opportunity of that kind, having no friend to advance a little
money, to supply me with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses
of my journey to London. - He told me, that few necessaries were required; and
as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, not only for that
purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in London, until I should procure a
warrant for my provision aboard ship. - I gave him a thousand thanks for his
obliging offer (although I was very well apprised of his motive, which was to
make his chamber-maid lay the child to me after I was gone; and accordingly set
out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit of
clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair worsted stockings,
as many thread; a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace,
Wiseman's surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing
5 per cent. interest; at the same time giving me a letter to the member of
parliament for our town, which he said would do my business.
 

                                  Chapter VIII

I arrive at Newcastle -- meet with my old school-fellow Strap -- we determine to
walk in company to London - set out on our journey -- put up at a solitary
ale-house -- are disturbed by a strange adventure in the night
 
There is no such convenience as a wagon in this country, and my finances were
too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse; I determined therefore to set
out with the carriers, who transport goods from one place to another on
horse-back, this I accordingly put in execution, on the first day of November
1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets; one of which contained my
goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle upon Tyne, I was so
fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of
the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on foot, rather
than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.
    The hostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for
London, advised me to take my passage in a collier, which would be both cheap
and expeditious, and withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred
miles through deep roads, in the winter time; which he believed I had not
strength enough to perform. - I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when,
one day, stepping into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while he
lathered my face, accosted me thus: »Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.« To
which I answered in the affirmative. - »Pray (continued he) of what part of
Scotland?« - I no sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not
confining his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with
great agitation. - At which I was so offended, that starting up, I asked him
what the d-l he meant by using me so? - He begged pardon, telling me his joy in
meeting with a countryman, had occasioned some confusion in him; and craved my
name. - But when I declared my name was Random he exclaimed in a rapture, »How!
Rory Random?« The same, I replied, looking at him with astonishment; »What,
cried he, don't you know your old school-fellow, Hugh Strap?« At that instant
recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the transport of my joy,
gave him back one half of the suds he had so lavishly bestowed on my
countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great
deal of mirth to his master and shop-mates, who were witnesses of this scene. -
When our mutual caresses were over, I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor
fellow's nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand
could scarcely hold the razor, with which (nevertheless) he found means to cut
me in three places, in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder, bid
another supply his place; and after the operation was performed, gave Strap
leave to pass the rest of the day with me. - We retired immediately to my
lodgings, where calling for some beer, I desired to be informed of his
adventures, which contained nothing more, than that his master dying before his
time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of
journey-work, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in
the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil
master, with whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed
to go to London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. - When I
communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a
passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, which is very
hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of the wind, which
might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small detriment of my fortune:
whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me company, carry my baggage
as well as his own, all the way; and if we should find ourselves fatigued, it
would be no hard matter for us to find on the road, either return-horses or
wagons, of which we might take the opportunity for a very trifling expense. - I
was so ravished at this proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and
assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he gave me to
understand, he had saved money sufficient to answer his own occasions; and that
he had a friend in London, who would soon introduce him into business, in that
capital; and might possibly have it in his power to serve me likewise.
    Having concerted our plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed
next morning, by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each, my companion being
charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into one knapsack, which he
carried after the manner of soldiers on a march; and our money sewed between the
lining and wastband of our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate
expense on the road. - We travelled all day at a round pace, but being ignorant
of the proper stages, we were benighted at a good distance from any inn, which
compelled us to take up our lodging at a small hedge ale-house, that stood by
itself on a by road, about half a mile from the high way: There we found a
pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and
eggs and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing all the
while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, an hale buxome lass, who
entertained us with great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough
to believe I had made some progress. - About eight a clock, we were all three,
at our own desire, shown into an apartment, where were two beds, in one of which
Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the other, though
not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore; searched into every
corner of the room, and fastened the door on the inside with a strong iron
screw, which he carried about with him for that use. - I slept very sound till
midnight, when I was disturbed by a violent motion of the bed, which shook under
me with a continual tremor. - Alarmed at this phoenomenon, I jogged my
companion, whom to my no small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking
through every limb; he told me with a low faltering voice, that we were undone;
for there was a bloody highwayman loaded with pistols, in the next room; then,
bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small chink in
the board partition, through which I could see a thick set brawny fellow, with a
fierce countenance, sitting at a table in company with our young landlady,
having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before them. - I listened with
great attention, and heard him say in a terrible tone: »D-n that son of a b-h,
Smack the coachman! -- he has served me a fine trick, indeed! -- but d-tion
seize me, if I don't make him repent it! - I'll teach the scoundrel to give
intelligence to others, while he is under articles with me.« - Our landlady
endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying, that he might
possibly be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other
gentleman that robbed his coach, - and that if an accident had disappointed him
to day, he might soon find opportunities enough to atone for his lost trouble. -
»I'll tell thee what, my dear Bett (replied he) I never had, nor never will,
while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day. - Z-ds!
there was 400 l. in cash to recruit men for the king's service, besides the
jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers; - had it been my
fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a
commission in the army, and made you an officer's lady, you jade, I would.« -
»Well, well (cries Betty) we must trust to providence for that; - but did you
find nothing worth taking, which escaped the other adventurer?« - »Not much,
faith (said the lover;) I gleaned a few things, - such as a pair of pops,
silver-mounted (here they are) I took them loaded out of the pockets of the
captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch, which he
had concealed in his breeches. - I likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the
shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and
devotion; but what I value myself mostly for, is this here purchase, a gold
snuff-box, my girl, with a young gentleman's picture on the inside of the lid:
which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady's smock.« - Here, as the devil
would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the highwayman snatching his
pistols, started up, crying, »Hell and d-n-n! I am betrayed, - who's that in the
next room?« Mrs. Betty told him, he need not be uneasy, there were only three
poor wearied travellers, who, mistaking the road, had taken up their lodging
there, and were asleep long ago. - »Travellers! says he, spies, you b-ch! but no
matter - by G-d, I'll send them all to hell in an instant.« - He accordingly run
towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a
couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the
least cause of suspicion; and the third was a Presbyterian pedlar of the same
nation, who had often lodged in the house before. - This declaration satisfied
the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar there, for he wanted some
linen. - Then in a jovial manner, he put about the glass, mingling his discourse
to Betty, with caresses and familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his
amours. During that part of the conversation which regarded us, Strap had crept
under the bed, where he lay without sense or motion, so that it was with great
difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the
pedlar, and inform him of what we had seen and heard. - This itinerant merchant
no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder, than he started up, calling
as loud as he could, -- »Thieves, thieves! - L-d have mercy on us.« Rifle,
alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned
towards the door to kill the first man who should enter; for he verily believed
himself beset; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded
him, that the poor pedlar dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.
- Meanwhile my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed him of his
reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly he peeped through the
hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that, falling down on his bare
knees, he put up a long petition to heaven, to deliver him from the hands of
that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a customer for the future of the
value of a halfpenny, provided he might be rescued from his present distress. -
Whether or not this disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease, I know
not; but he splipped into bed again and lay very quiet until the robber and his
mistress were asleep, which he understood by their snoring in concert; then,
rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, and making it fast to
one end of it, opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered
his goods into the yard with great dexterity; which having done, he moved gently
to our bedside, and bid us farewell, telling us, that as we run no risk, we might
take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that
we knew nothing of his escape: then shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all
manner of success, he let himself drop from the window without any danger to the
ground, which was not above one yard from his feet as he hung on the outside.
Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at all
free from apprehension, when I reflected on what might be the effects of the
highwayman's disappointment, who certainly intended to make free with the
pedlar's ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his mind, but on the
contrary so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me
strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude the fatal resentment
of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us, as
accomplices of the pedlar's elopement. - But I represented to him, the danger of
giving Rifle cause to think we knew his profession, by putting him in mind, that
if ever he should meet us again on the road (which was far from being
impossible) he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his
interest to put us out of the way. - I told him withal, the confidence I had in
Betty's good-nature; in which he acquiesced, and during the remaining part of
the night, we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected
in the morning.
    It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving the
window open, cried out, »Ods bobs! Sure you Scotchmen must have hot
constitutions, to lie all night with the window open in such cold weather!« - I
feigned to start out of sleep, and withdrawing the curtain, called, »What's the
matter?« When she showed me, I affected surprise, and said, »Bless me! the
window was shut when we went to bed.« - »I'll be hanged, said she, if Sawny
Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very
obstropulous in his sleep. - Sure I put a chamber-pot under his bed.« - With
these words she advanced to the bed in which he lay, and finding the sheets
cold, she exclaimed, »Good lack a daisy! the rogue is fled!« - »Fled (cried I,
with a feigned amazement) G-d forbid! - Sure he has not robbed us.« - Then
springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my
hand; which having reckoned, I said, Heaven be praised our money is all safe. -
Strap, look to the knapsack. - He did so, and found all was right. - Upon which,
we asked with seeming concern, if he had stole nothing belonging to the house. -
»No, no, replied she, he has stole nothing but his reckoning;« which, it seems
this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion. - Betty,
after a moment's pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear her waken Rifle,
who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight, than he jumped out of bed and dressed,
venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to murder the pedlar if ever he could
set his eyes on him again; »For, said he, the scoundrel has by this time raised
the hue and cry against me.« - Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his
horse, and for that time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were
the consequence of it. - While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured by all
the cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our
fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse; but as we were on our guard, we answered
her sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when all of a
sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This noise alarmed
Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle,
that with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried out, »O Lord! there's the
highwayman returned!« - Our landlady startled at these words, said, »What
highwayman, young man? - Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?« - Though I
was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had
presence of mind enough to tell her, we had met a horse-man the day before, whom
Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he rode with pistols;
and that he was terrified at the sound of a horse's feet ever since. - She
forced a smile at the ignorance and timorousness of my comrade; but I could
perceive, (not without great concern) that this account was not at all
satisfactory to her.
 

                                   Chapter IX

We proceed on our journey - are overtaken by an highwayman who fires at Strap,
is prevented from shooting me by a company of horsemen, who ride in pursuit of
him - Strap is put to bed at an inn - Adventures at that inn
 
After having paid our score, and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me
tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing our selves that we
had come off so well. We had not walked about five miles, when we observed a man
on horse-back galloping after us, whom we in a short time recognized to be no
other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. - He
stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was? - My astonishment had
disconcerted me so much, that I did not hear his question, which he repeated
with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as mute as before. - Strap
seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a
lamentable voice, these words: »For Ch-ist's sake, have mercy upon us, Mr.
Rifle, we know you very well.« - »O ho! cried the thief, you do! - but by G-d,
you never shall be evidence against me in this world, you dog!« - So saying, he
drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the
ground without speaking one word. - My comrade's fate, and my own situation,
riveted me to the place where I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so
that I did not make the least attempt either to run away, or deprecate the wrath
of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but before he had time to
prime again, perceived a company of horse-men coming up; whereupon he rode off,
and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by
those whose appearance had saved my life. - This company, which consisted of
three men in livery, well armed, was headed by an officer, who (as I afterwards
learned) was the person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day
before; and who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road,
assuring him, his non-resistance was altogether owing to his consideration for
the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance of his Lordship's servants to
go in quest of the plunderer. - This holiday captain scampered up to me with
great address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard. - As I had not
yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, observed a body lying on the
ground: at which sight, his colour vanished, and he pronounced with a faltering
tongue, »Gentlemen, here's murder committed! Let us alight.« - »No, no, said one
of his followers, let us rather pursue the murderer. - Which way went he, young
man?« - By this time, I had recollected myself so far as to tell them he could
not be a quarter of a mile before them; and beg one of them to assist me in
conveying the corps of my friend to the next house, in order to its being
interred. - The captain foreseeing that in case he pursued, he must soon come to
action, began to curb his horse, and give him the spur at the same time, which
made the creature rear up and snort in such a manner, that he called out, his
horse was frightened and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round
and round, stroaking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with »Sirrah, sirrah
- gently, gently, etc.« - »Z-ds! (cries one of the servants) sure my Lord's
Sorrel is not resty!« - With these words, he bestowed a lash on his buttocks,
and Sorrel disdaining the rein, sprung forward with the captain at a pace that
would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth (happily for
him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants
continued their pursuit, without minding his situation in the least. - Mean
while one of the three who remained at my desire, turning the Body of Strap to
one side, in order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still warm
and breathing; whereupon I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with
inexpressible joy, recover; having received no other wound than what his fear
inflicted. - Having got him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about
half a mile from the place, where Strap being not quite recovered, went to bed;
and in a little time after, the third servant returned with the captain's horse
and furniture, leaving himself to crawl after as well as he could. This
Gentleman of the sword upon his arrival, complained grievously of the bruise
occasioned by his fall; and on the recommendation of the servant, who warranted
my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which he rewarded me with half a
crown.
    The time between this and dinner, I passed in observing a game at cards,
between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and
cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish. -
It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal; the two farmers being
partners, having to do with a couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their
cash in a very short time. - But what surprised me very much, was to hear this
clergyman reply to one of the countrymen who seemed to suspect foul play, in
these words: »D-n me, friend, d'ye question my honour?« - I did not at all
wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being an animal frequent in my own
country; but I was scandalized at the indecency of his behaviour, which appeared
in the oaths he swore, and the baudy songs which he sung. - At last, to make
amends, in some sort, for the damage he had done the unwary boors, he pulled out
a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and promising to treat them with a dinner,
began to play most melodiously, singing all the while in concert. - This good
humour of the parson inspired the company with so much glee, that the farmers
soon forgot their losses, and all hands went to dancing in the yard. While we
were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician spying a horseman riding
towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out, »Gad so! gentlemen, I beg
your pardon, there's our dog of a doctor coming into the inn.« - And immediately
concealed his instrument, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the
vicar's bridle, and helped him off, enquiring very cordially into the state of
his health. - This rosy son of the church (who might be about the age of fifty)
having alighted, and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great
solemnity into the kitchen, where, sitting down by the fire, he called for a
bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions
of some present who knew him, about the welfare of his family. - While he
indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, the curate
approaching him with great reverence, asked if he would not be pleased to honour
us with his company at dinner? To which he answered in the negative, saying, he
had been to visit 'squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at
the last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he
should dine at home. - Accordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and
pipe, he got up and moved towards the door with the same dignity as when he
entered; where his journeyman stood ready with his nag. - He had no sooner
mounted, than this facetious person, coming into the kitchen, began in this
manner: »There the old rascal goes, and the D-l go with him. - You see how the
world wags, gentlemen. - By G-d, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve to live;
- and yet he has two livings worth 400 l. per annum, while poor I am fain to do
all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for what? why
truly, for 20 l. a year. - I scorn to boast of my own qualifications, but -
comparisons, you know, are odious. - I should be glad to know how this
swag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. - He can loll in his
elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy
the conversation of Betty, his house-keeper. - You understand me, gentlemen. -
Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; - but no matter
for that; - ay, and a dutiful girl to her parents, whom she goes to see
regularly every year, though I must own I could never learn in what county they
live. - My service t'ye gentlemen.« - By this time dinner being ready, I waked
my companion, and we eat all together with great cheerfulness and satisfaction.
When our meal was ended, and every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the
curate went out on pretence of some necessary occasion, and mounting his horse,
left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. - We
were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, then the exciseman who had
been silent hitherto, began with a malicious grin, »Ay, ay, this is an old trick
of Shufle, - I could not help smiling, when he talked of treating. - You must
know, this is a very curious fellow. - He picked up some scraps of learning
while he served young lord Trifle at the university. - But what he most excells
in, is pimping. - No man knows his talents better than I, for I was valet de
chamber to 'squire Tattle, an intimate companion of Shuffle's lord. - He got
himself into a scrape, by pawning some of his lordship's clothes, on which
account he was turned away; but as he was acquainted with some particular
circumstances of my lord's conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much,
and so made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to
the curacy which he now enjoys. - However, the fellow cannot be too much admired
for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in spite of such a small
allowance. - You hear he plays a good stick, and is really diverting company -
this makes him agreeable wherever he goes; - and as for playing at cards, there
is not a man within three counties a match for him; - the truth is, he is a
damnable cheat, and can shift a card with such address, that it is impossible to
discover him.« - At this he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked
him, why he had not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars
before they engaged in play? - The exciseman replied without any hesitation,
that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he
did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character, which was notorious to
the whole country. - This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting
and assisting the curate's knavery, and insisting on having his share of the
winning returned; which the exciseman as positively refused, affirming, that
whatever slights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain,
that he had play'd on the square with them, and would answer it before any bench
in christendom; so saying, he got up, and having paid his reckoning, sneaked
off. The landlord thrusting his neck into the passage, to see if he was gone,
shook his head, saying, »Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to have his
deserts. - Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen. - But, I know
what, - if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into
either scale would make the balance kick the beam. - But, masters, this is under
the rose, continued Boniface with a whisper.«
 

                                   Chapter X

The highwayman is taken - we are detained as evidences against him - proceed to
the next village - he escapes - we arrive at another inn, where we go to bed -
in the night we are awake by a dreadful adventure - next night we lodge at the
house of a school-master - our treatment there
 
Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a crowd on
the road, coming towards us, shouting and hollowing all the way. As it
approached, we could discern a man on horse-back in the middle, with his hands
tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. - This highwayman not being so
well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken,
and after having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further
opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the
country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped at
our inn to join their companion and take refreshment. When Rifle was dismounted,
and placed in the yard, within a circle of peasants armed with pitch-forks, I
was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a
few hours ago, filled me with so much terror and confusion. - My companion was
so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance, that going up to the
thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared, that he would
either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately
produced; and began to strip - but was dissuaded from this adventure by me, who
represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands
of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough. - But what
made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our being detained by the
captors, as evidence against him, when we were just going to set forward.
However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply, and accordingly joined
in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we proposed. - About the
twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as the justice was gone
to visit a gentleman in the country, with whom he would probably stay all night,
the robber was confined in an empty garret three stories high, from which it
seemed impossible for him to escape: this, nevertheless, was the case; for next
morning, when they went up stairs, to bring him before the justice, the bird was
flown, having got out at the window upon the leads, from whence he continued his
rout along the tops of the adjoining houses, and got into another garret window,
where he sculked, until the family were asleep, at which time he ventured down
stairs, and let himself out by the street door, which was found open. This event
was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him, who were flushed with
hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to continue
my journey without any further molestation. - Resolving to make up for the small
progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour, and
before night got to a market-town twenty miles from the place from whence we set
out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. - Here having
taken up our lodging at an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to
despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to enquire if there
was any wagon, return-horses, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart
for London to-morrow or next day. - He was informed, that the wagon from
Newcastle for London had halted here two nights ago, and that it would be an
easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day after the
next. - This piece of news gave us some satisfaction, and after making a hearty
supper on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds,
the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were
told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed with his
company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not another
bed empty in the house; and accordingly went to rest, after having secured our
baggage under the bolster. About two or three a-clock in the morning, I was
waked out of a very profound sleep, by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which
did not fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these
words pronounced with a terrible voice. - »Blood and wounds! run the halbert
into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out
presently.« - This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap,
than starting out of bed, he run against some body in the dark, and overturned
him in an instant, at the same time bawling out, »Fire! murder! fire!« which in
a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of naked
people. - When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon
appeared; which was no other than our fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the
floor scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment, at
the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him. - This honest gentleman was,
it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who having listed two country fellows
over-night, dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the
drummer who was along him. - This made such an impression on his imagination,
that he got up in his sleep, and expressed himself as above. - When our
apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another with great
surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady
with nothing on but her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches with the
backside before, which she had splipped on in the hurry, and her husband with her
petticoat about his shoulders: one had wrapt himself in a blanket, another was
covered with a sheet, and the drummer who had given his only shirt to be washed,
appeared in querpo with the bolster rolled about his middle. - When this affair
was discussed, every body retired to his own apartment, the sergeant splipped into
bed, and my companion and I slept without any further disturbance till the
morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward
in expectation of overtaking the wagon; in which, however, we were disappointed
that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent
with fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We enquired for a
public house, and were directed to one of a very sorry appearance. At our
entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long grey
hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchin, and
with a cheerful countenance accosted us in these words: »Salvete Pueri -
ingredimini.« - I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because
I was in hopes of recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I
therefore answered with hesitation, - Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco. - large
reponens. - I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman
running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, »- Fili mi dilectissime! unde
venis! - a superis, ni fallor?« - in short, finding we were both read in the
classicks, he did not know how to testify his regard, but ordered his daughter,
a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel, who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of
his quadrimum. - repeating from Horace at the same time, »- Deprome quadrimum
sabinâ, O Thaliarche, merum diotâ.« This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own
brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the
use of himself and friends. - In the course of our conversation, which was
interlarded with scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a
school-master, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good
liquor for the entertainment of passengers, by which he made shift to make the
two ends of the year meet. - »I am this day, said he, the happiest old fellow in
his majesty's dominions. - My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is
to be married next week; - but the two chief pleasures of my life are these
(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table). I
am old, 'tis true, - what then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share
of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: -- Tu ne quæsieris scire
(nefas.) Quem, mihi quem tibi finem dii dederint -- Carpe diem quam minimum
credula postero.« - As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no
scruple of acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he
enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he was no
stranger to the deceits of mankind. - In the mean time he ordered his daughter
to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale
his friends -- permittens divis cætera. - While our entertainment was preparing,
our host recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain
nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously and
drank several bottles of his quadrimum, I expressed a desire of going to rest,
which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we
should overtake the wagon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in
it for half a dozen, there being only four passengers as yet in that
convenience. - Before my comrade and I fell asleep we had some conversation
about the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his
benevolence, that he was positive we should pay nothing for our lodging and
entertainment. - »Don't you observe, said he, that he has conceived a particular
affection for us, - nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare,
which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves, have called for?« - I was partly
of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the world made me suspend my
belief till to-morrow morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our
host and his daughter, on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know what we had
to pay. - »Biddy will let you know, gentlemen, said he, for I never mind these
matters. - Money-matters are beneath the concern of one who lives on the
Horatian plan. - Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam.« Mean while Biddy having
consulted a slate that hung in a corner, told us, our reckoning came to 8s. 7d.
- »Eight shillings and seven pence! cried Strap, 'tis impossible - you must be
mistaken, young woman.« - »Reckon again, child, (says her father, very
deliberately) perhaps you have miscounted.« - »No indeed, father, (she replied)
I know my business better.« - I could contain my indignation no longer, but said
it was a very unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon
which the old man got up, muttering »Ay, ay, let us see the particulars, -
that's but reasonable.« - And taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following
 
Items:
                                                                           s. d.
        To bread and beer
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             0 6
        To a fowl and sausages
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             2 6
        To four bottles quadrim
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             2 0
        To fire and tabacco
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             0 7
        To lodging
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             2 0
        To breakfast
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             1 0
                                                                             8 7
 
As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of
veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power to
upbraid him as he deserved; therefore I contented myself with saying, I was sure
he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered, »I was a but
young man and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion,
whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies.« -
My fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore
he should either take one third of the money, or go without. - While we were
engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and conjecturing the
occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done, than
Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their
morning draught; but in reality to frighten us into compliance. - Just as we
departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account of this piece of expense,
went up to the school-master, and grinning in his face, pronounced with great
emphasis: »Semper avarus eget.« - To which the pedant replied, with a malicious
smile; - »Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.«
 

                                   Chapter XI

We descry the wagon -- get into it -- arrive at an inn -- our fellow travellers
described -- a mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange things
 
We travelled half a mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being
engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed; and the
contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. - At length
Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: - »Well, fools and their
money are soon parted. - If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should
have been damn'd before he had got more than the third of his demand. - 'Tis a
sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away in this
manner. - Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I
earned 4 shillings and three pence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs? -
How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the cold, my
fingers cramp'd, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over
the door? - What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with
any one of those fellows who came in, for a guinea. - I'm sure I have beat
stouter men than either of them.« - And indeed, my companion would have fought
any body, when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire
arms and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him, no
part of this extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which he
was affronted, and told me, he would have me to know, that although he was a
poor barber's boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the best 'squire of the
land. - Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a
refreshment, we descried towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the
wagon about a quarter of a mile before us; and by that time we came up with it,
were both of us so weary, that I verily believe it would have been impracticable
for us to have walked one mile further. - We therefore bargained with the
driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling;
at which place we would meet the master of the wagon, with whom we might agree
for the rest of the journey.
    Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder, Strap
(being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but just as he was getting in, a
tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: »God's fury! there shall no
passengers come here.« - The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this
exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant,
that he descended with great velocity, and a countenance as white as paper. -
Joey perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch sneer, »Waunds, captain!
whay woan't yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? - Coom, come, young
man, get oop, get oop, - never moind the coptain, - I'se not afear'd of the
coptain.« - This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a
quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder: »By
G-d I won't be used so, d-n-n seize me if I am!« - However I crept in, and by
accident got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession
of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark.
Strap following with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side,
and by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain,
who bellowed out in a most dreadful manner: »Blood and thunder! where's my
sword?« - At these words, my frighted comrade started up, and at one spring,
bounced against me with such force, that I thought the supposed son of Anak
intended to smother me. - In the mean time a female voice cried out, »Bless me!
what is the matter, my dear?« »The matter, replied the captain, damn my blood!
my guts are almost squeezed out by that Scotchman's hump.« Strap trembling all
the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened
upon the jolting of the wagon. - The woman who spoke before, went on: »Ay, ay,
my dear, it is our own fault - we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences
we meet with. - I thank God, I never travelled so before, - I'm sure if my lady
or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not sleep this night for
vexation. - I wish to God we had writ for the chariot, - I know we shall never
be forgiven.« »Come, come, my dear (replied the captain) it don't signify
fretting now, - we shall laugh it over as a frolick. - I hope you will not
suffer in your health. - I shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in
the Diligence.« - This discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and
his lady, that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately
after, another female voice begins: »Some people give themselves a great many
needless airs -- better folks than any here have travelled in wagons before
now. - Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots with three footmen behind
them, without making so much fuss about it. - What then? we are now all upon a
footing, therefore let us be sociable and merry. - What do you say, Isaac?
Is'n't this a good motion, you doting rogue? - Speak, you old cent. per cent.
fornicator. - What desperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are you
planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour, till you turn
over a new leaf; grow honest, and live like a gentleman. - In the mean time,
give me a kiss, you old fumbler.« - These words, accompanied with a hearty
smack, enlivened the person to whom they were addressed, to such a degree, that
he cried in transport, tho' with a quavering voice, »Ah! you wanton baggage -
upon my credit, you are a waggish girl, he, he, he.« - This laugh introduced a
fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer (such, we afterwards
found, was the profession of this our fellow-traveller). - About this time, I
fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived at the
inn where we put up. - Here, having got out of the wagon first, I had an
opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered. - The first who
appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat
on her head, instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding suit trimmed with silver,
very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. - After her, came limping, an old
man with a worsted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad brimmed hat
slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which
appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and waste-coat, and, as
we afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. - His eyes were hollow, bleared
and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were
destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin peeked and prominent,
so that when he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of
nut-crackers; he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane, and his whole figure
was a just emblem of winter, famine and avarice. - But how was I surprised when
I beheld the formidable captain leading in his wife; in the shape of a little,
thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long, withered visage, very much
resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which, two little grey
eyes peeped: He wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which
immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on
the crown of his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much
of the size and cock of Pistol's. - Having laid aside his great coat, I could
not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: He was about five
foot and three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long
scraggy neck; his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling
spindles or drum-sticks, two feet and an half, and his body, which put me in
mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder; - so that on the
whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper erect, - and was almost a vox
&amp; preterea nihil. - His dress consisted in a frock of what is called
bear-skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an Hussar waistcoat,
scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thigh, worsted stockings rolled up
almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two inches high; he
carried a sword very near as long as himself in one hand, and in the other
conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained
some remains of an agreeable person; but so ridiculously affected, that had I
then known as much of the world as I do now, I might have easily perceived in
her, the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's woman. - We were all
assembled in the kitchen, when captain Weazel (for that was his name) desired a
room with a fire for himself and spouse; and told the landlord, they would sup
by themselves. - The inn-keeper replied, that he could not afford them a room by
themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in
the wagon without respect of persons, but if he could prevail on the rest to
let him have his choice in a separate manner, with all his heart: This was no
sooner said, than all of us declared against the proposal, and miss Jenny (our
other female passenger) observed, that if captain Weazel and his lady had a mind
to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should have done. - At this, the
captain put on a martial frown and looked very big, without speaking; while his
yoke-fellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about
Creature; - which miss Jenny over-hearing, stepped up to her, saying, »None of
your names, good Mrs. Abigail; - creature quotha, - I'll assure you, - No such
creature as you neither - no ten pound sneaker - no quality coupler.« - Here the
captain interposed with a »Damme, madam, what d'ye mean by that?« - »Damn you,
sir, who are you? (replied miss Jenny) who made you a captain, you pitiful,
trencher-scraping, pimping curler? - 'Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass,
when such fellows as you get commissions. - What, I suppose you think I don't
know you? - By G-d, you and your helpmate are well met, - a cast-off mistress,
and a bald valet de chamber are well yoked together.« »Blood and wounds! (cried
Weazel) d'ye question the honour of my wife, madam? - Hell and damnation! No man
in England durst say so much. - I would flea him, carbonado him! Fury and
destruction! I would have his liver for my supper.« - So saying, he drew his
sword, and flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap: while miss Jenny
snapping her fingers, told him, she did not value his resentment a f-t. - In the
midst of this quarrel, the master of the wagon alighted, who understanding the
cause of it, and fearing the captain and his lady would take so much umbrage, as
to leave his carriage, was at great pains to have every thing made up, which he
at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper all together. At bedtime we were
shown to our apartments. The old usurer, Strap and I, were conducted to one
room; the captain, his wife, and miss Jenny to another. - About midnight, my
companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward; in his
return, mistaking one door for another, he entered Weazel's chamber, and without
any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain being
at another end of the room, groping for some empty vessel, his own chamber-pot
being leaky: As he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went toward his own bed,
after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head with a
cotton night-cap on it, than it came into his mind, that he was got to miss
Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt, was that of some
gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. - Full of this conjecture, and
scandalized at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the vessel he
had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his
own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which
not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frightened poor Strap almost
out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched; especially when the
incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him
how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife. - Poor
Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing, but, - »I take
God to witness she's a virgin for me.« - Mrs. Weazel enraged to find herself in
such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, got up in her shift,
and with the heel of her shoe, which she found at the bed-side, belaboured the
captain's bald pate, till he cried »Murder.« - »I'll teach you to empty your
stink-pots on me, (cried she) you pitiful, hop o' my thumb coxcomb. - What? I
warrant you're jealous, you man of lath. - Was it for this I condescended to
take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?« - The noise occasioned by
this adventure, had brought the master of the wagon and me to the door, where
we overheard all that passed, with great satisfaction. In the mean time we were
alarmed with the cry of »Rape! Murder! Rape!« which miss Jenny pronounced with
great vociferation. - »O! you vile, abominable old villain, (said she) would you
rob me of my virtue? - But I'll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! --
help! for heaven's sake! help! - I shall be ravished! ruined! help!« - Some
servants of the inn hearing this cry, came running up stairs with lights, and
such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene. - In one
corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to
rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time
wrapt the covering about her, and sat crying on the side of her bed. - In the
other end, lay the old usurer sprawling on miss Jenny's bed, with nothing on him
but his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the
air; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. -
When we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, and told us, she was
afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bid us take notice of
what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. - The
poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged for Christ's sake
to be released; which was no sooner done, than he protested she was no woman,
but a devil incarnate - that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then
betrayed him. - »Yes, cockatrice (continued he, with a faltering voice) thou
knows thou did'st spread this snare for me - but thou shalt not succeed - for
I will hang myself before thou shalt get a farthing of me.« - So saying, he
crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. - We then advanced to the captain,
who told us, »Gentlemen, here has been a damn'd mistake; but I'll be revenged on
him who was the occasion of it. - That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall
not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. - My dear, I ask
you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible I could mean no harm to you.« - »I
know not what you meant (replied she, sobbing) but I know I have got enough to
send me to my grave.« - At length they were reconciled. - The wife was
complimented with a share of miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed) and the
master of the wagon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night
with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having got
away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at logger-heads.
 

                                  Chapter XII

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the combat - an affair between the
captain and me -- the usurer is fain to give miss Jenny five guineas for a
release -- we are in danger of losing a meal -- the behaviour of Weazel, Jenny,
and Joey on that occasion - an account of captain Weazel and his lady - the
captain's courage tried - Isaac's mirth at the captain's expense
 
Next morning, I agreed to give the master of the wagon ten shillings for my
passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I
should be disposed to walk. - At the same time I desired him to appease the
incensed captain, who by this time had got into the kitchen, with a drawn sword
in his hand, and threatened with many oaths, to sacrifice the villain, who
attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain
the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling
behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more
implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him,
or he would instantly put him to death. - I was extremely provoked at this
insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would
engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would
wrestle or box with him. - To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by
saying, he would box with him for a guinea. - Weazel replied with a look of
disdain, it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter,
or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as
Strap. - »Ods bodikins! (cries Joey) sure coptain, yaw wauld not coommit
moorder! Here's a poor lad that is willing to make attoonement for his offence;
and an that woant't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. - An yaw woan't
box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw. - Woan't yaw, my lad?« - Strap, after
some hesitation, answered, »Ye - yes, I'll cudgel with him.« - But this
expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character,
and tipping Strap the wink, told the company, that I had always heard it said,
the person who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this
therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the
head of my companion, that he would even fight captain Weazel at sharps; but it
should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely razors. -
At my mentioning razors, I could perceive the captain's colour to change, while
Strap pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness; - »No, no, no;
for the love of God, don't make any such bargain.« - At length, Weazel recovered
himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance, asked, »Who the
devil are you? - will you fight me?« With these words, putting himself in a
posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword within half a
foot of my breast; and springing to one side, snatched a spit that stood in the
chimney corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a
great many half longes, skipping backward every time, till at last I got him
pinned up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. While he was in
this situation, his wife entered, and seeing her husband in these dangerous
circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream, and swooned: Upon this, Weazel
demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; and after his lady had
recovered, was contented with the submission of Strap, who falling on his knees
before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the
mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to
breakfast, but missed two of our company, to wit, miss Jenny and the usurer. As
for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night
with her groans; and that when she got up this morning, miss Jenny was so much
indisposed, that she could not proceed on her journey. - At this moment, a
message came from her to the master of the wagon, who immediately went into her
chamber, followed by us all. - She told him in a lamentable tone, that she was
afraid of a miscarriage owing to the fright she received last night, from the
brutality of Isaac; and as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be
detained to answer for the consequence. - Accordingly this ancient Tarquin was
found in the wagon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's
disgrace; and brought by force into her presence. - He no sooner appeared, than
she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would
leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. - Poor Isaac, turning up his
eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the
machinations of that Jezabel; and assured us with tears in his eyes, that his
being found in bed with her, was the result of her own invitation. - The
wagoner understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a
sum of money, to which he replied with great vehemence, »A sum of money! - a
halter for the cockatrice!« - »O! 'tis very well, (said miss Jenny) I see it is
in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his, by fair means. - Joey, be so good
as to go to the Justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to
see him on an affair of consequence.« - At the name of justice, Isaac trembling
like an aspen-leaf, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a faltering voice, »what
she would have?« She told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked
purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. - And though the damage she
might sustain in her health, might be irreparable, she would give him a release
for an hundred guineas. - »An hundred guineas! (cried he in an ecstasy) an
hundred furies! - Where should a poor old wretch like me, have an hundred
guineas? if I had so much money, d'ye think I would be found travelling in a
wagon, at this season of the year?« - »Come, come, (replied Jenny) None of your
miserly artifice here. - You think I don't know Isaac Rapine the money-broker in
the Minories. - Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had from me and my
acquaintance which was never redeemed.« - Isaac finding it was in vain to
disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely
refused under fifty pounds: At last, however, she was brought down to five,
which he paid with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. -
After which this sick person made shift to get into the wagon, and we set
forwards in great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with Joey's horse, the
driver himself choosing to walk. - This morning and forenoon we were entertained
with an account of the valour of captain Weazel, who told us of his having once
knocked down a soldier that made game of him; of tweaking a drawer by the nose,
who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork; and of his sending a
challenge to a cheese-monger, who had the presumption to be his rival, -- for
the truth of which he appealed to his wife. - She confirmed whatever he said,
and observed such a thing happened that day, »I received a love-letter from
'squire Gobble; -- and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that
very night with eating ortolans, when my lord Diddle took notice of my
complexion's being altered, and my lady was so alarmed, that she had well nigh
fainted.« - »Yes, my dear, (replied the captain) you know, my lord said to me,
with a sneer,« - »Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.« - »And I answered
cavalierly, My lord, I wish I could return the compliment. - Upon which the
whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, who
loves a repartée dearly, came round and bussed me.« - We travelled in this
manner five days, without interruption or meeting any thing worth notice: Miss
Jenny (who soon recovered her spirits) entertaining us every day with diverting
songs, of which she could sing a great number; and rallying her old gallant, who
notwithstanding could never be reconciled to her. - On the sixth day, while we
were about to sit down to dinner, the inn-keeper came and told us, that three
gentlemen just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their
apartment, altho' he had informed them that they were bespoke by the passengers
in the wagon. To which they had replied, »The passengers in the wagon might be
damn'd - their betters must be served before them, - they supposed it would be
no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.« -
This was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how
to remedy it; when miss Jenny proposed that captain Weazel, being by profession
a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. -
But the captain excused himself, saying, he would not for the world be known to
have travelled in a wagon; swearing at the same time, that could he appear with
honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision. - Upon this
declaration, miss Jenny snatching his sword, drew it, and run immediately to the
kitchin, where she threatened to put the cook to death, if he did not send the
victuals into our chamber immediately. - The noise she made, brought the three
strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her, than he cried out, »Ha!
Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?« - »My dear Jack Rattle!
(replied she, running into his arms) is it you? - Then Weazel may go to hell for
a dinner - I shall dine with you.« - They consented to this, with a great deal
of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal,
when Joey understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchin with a pitchfork
in his hand, swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize
the victuals prepared for the wagon. - This menace had like to have produced
fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined
by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the
landlord interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace,
which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any
further molestation. - In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and
Strap took my place. - Having entered into conversation with this driver, I soon
found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch:
He informed me, that miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who falling
into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage-coach
from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was now in
prison; upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life, in the
manner we found her. - He told me likewise, that one of the gentlemen's
servants, whom we left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately
knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character, as
follows: That he had served my lord Frizzle in quality of valet de chamber many
years; while he lived separate from his lady: But upon their reconciliation, she
expressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept:
whereupon his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed that
he should marry his mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the
army; this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordship's
interest, ensign in --'s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with
regard to Weazel's courage, which we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming
the passengers with the cry of, »an highway man!« as soon as we should discover
an horseman appear. This we put in practice towards the dusk, when we descried a
man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in
the wagon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed, than a general
consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the wagon and hid himself behind a
hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw,
which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel wringing her
hands, uttered lamentable cries; and the captain, to our great amazement, began
to snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for miss Jenny, shaking him by the
shoulder, bawl'd out, »'Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are
going to be robbed? - Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and a man of
honour.« - Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him.
- »D-n my blood! what are you afraid of (continued he;«) at the same time
trembling with such agitation, that the whole carriage shook. - This singular
piece of behaviour incensed miss Ramper so much, that she cried out, »D-n your
pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon as ever was drummed out of a
regiment. - Stop the wagon, Joey - let me get out, and by G-d, if I have
rhetorick enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also.«
- So saying, she leapt out with great agility. - By this time the horseman came
up with us, and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who
communicated our scheme, and desired him to carry it on a little further, by
going up to the wagon, and questioning those within it. - The stranger
consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone,
demanded, »Who have you got here?« - Isaac replied with a lamentable voice,
»Here is a poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and
nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings, which if you rob
me of, we must all starve together.« - »Who's that sobbing in the other corner?«
(said the supposed highwayman). »A poor unfortunate woman, (answered Mrs.
Weazel) upon whom I beg you for Christ's sake, to have compassion.« - »Are you
maid or wife?« (said he) - »Wife to my sorrow,« (cried she). - »Who, or where is
your husband?« (continued he). - »My husband, (replied Mrs. Weazel) is an
officer in the army, and was left sick at the last inn where we dined.« - »You
must be mistaken, madam, (said he) for I myself saw him get into the wagon this
afternoon; - But pray what smell is that? Sure your lap-dog has befoul'd
himself; - let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners.« -
Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled him from under his wife's
petticoats where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling captain being
detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake
out of sleep, cried, »What's the matter? - What's the matter?« - »The matter is
not much, (answered the horseman) I only called in, to enquire after your
health, and so adieu, most noble captain.« - Having said this, he clapped spurs
to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment. - It was some time before Weazel
could recollect himself, but at length, re-assuming the big look, he said, »Damn
the fellow! why did he ride away, before I had time to ask how his lord and lady
do? - Don't you remember Tom, my dear?« addressing himself to his wife. - »Yes,
(replied she) I think I do remember something of the fellow, - but you know I
seldom converse with people of his station.« - »Hoy day! (cried Joey) so yaw
knaw the young mon, coptain?« - »Know him, (said Weazel) many a time has he
filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my lord Trippit's table.« - »And what may
his neame be, coptain,« (said Joey). »His name! - his name (replied Weazel) is
Tom Rinser.« - »Waunds! (cried Joey) a has changed his true neame then! for I'se
lay any wager he was christened John Trotter.« - This observation raised the
laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke
silence, and said, »It was no matter who or what he was, since he had not proved
the robber we suspected. - And that we ought to bless God for our narrow
escape.« - »Bless God, (said Weazel) bless the devil! for what? had he been a
highwayman, I should have eat his blood, body and guts, before he had robbed me,
or any one in this Diligence.« - »Ha, ha, ha! (cried miss Jenny) I believe you
will eat all you kill indeed, captain.« - The usurer was so pleased at the event
of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice
that captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with
patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his
salvation with fear and trembling. - This piece of satire occasioned a great
deal of mirth at Weazel's expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and
threatened to cut Isaac's throat; - which the usurer taking hold of, said,
»Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is in danger from
this bloody-minded officer. - I'll have him bound over to the peace.« This
second sneer, procured another laugh against him, and he remained crest-fallen
during the remaining part of our journey.
 

                                  Chapter XIII

Strap and I are terrified by an apparition - Strap's conjecture -- the mystery
explained by Joey -- we arrive at London -- our dress and appearance described -
we are insulted in the street -- an adventure in the ale-house - we are imposed
upon by a waggish footman - set to rights by a tobacconist - take lodgings -
dive for a dinner - an accident at our ordinary
 
We arrived at our inn, supped and went to bed; but Strap's distemper continuing,
he was obliged to get up in the middle of the night, and taking the candle in
his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to the house
of office; whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair
standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking
a word, he set down the light, and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and
trembled with great violence. - When I asked him what was the matter? he
replied, with a broken accent, »God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil.« -
Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed
at this exclamation, and much more so, when I heard the sound of bells
approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these
words, »Christ have mercy upon us! there he comes.« - At that instant, a
monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at its feet, and made
directly towards our bed. - As this creature is reckoned in our country, a
common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily
believed we were haunted; and in a violent fright, shrunk my head under the
bed-clothes. - This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, and after giving us
several severe dabbs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away, and
vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with
great devotion, and when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and
take breath. - But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another
appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old
man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there
was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance, that did not savour
of this world: and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind,
and at the wrists, and an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. - I
was so amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object,
but lay motionless, and saw him come streight up to me: when he got to the bed,
he wrung his hands, and cried with a voice that did not seem to belong to a
human creature, »Where is Ralph?« I made no reply; upon which, he repeated in an
accent still more preternatural; »Where is Ralpho?« - He had no sooner
pronounced these words, than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance; which
the apparition having listened to, tript away, and left me almost petrified with
fear. It was a good while before I could recover myself so far as to speak: and
when at length I turned about to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however,
did not last long. - When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had
happened; and he assured me, that the first must certainly be the soul of some
person damned, which appeared by the chains about its legs (for his fears had
magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morris
bells to the clanking of massy chains) - As for the old man, he took it to be
the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted
it to torment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name
of the said murderer. - Although I had not much faith in his interpretation, I
was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep; and in all my future adventures, never
passed a night so ill. - In the morning, Strap imparted the whole affair to
Joey, who after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling
him that the old man was the landlord's father, who had turned idiot some years
ago, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away
from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber,
where he had inquired after it, under the name of Ralpho.
    Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which
continued six or seven days longer: At length we entered the great city, and
lodged all night at the inn, where the wagon halted. - Next morning, all the
passengers parted different ways; while my companion and I sallied out to
enquire for the member of parliament to whom I had a letter of recommendation
from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our
baggage, and marched behind me in the street, with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. - I had dressed myself to
the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, my best thread
stockings, my hair (which was of the deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders,
as lank and streight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to
the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut
in the same taste; my hat very much resembled a Barber's basin in the
shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brims. Strap was habited in a
much less awkward manner than me; but a short crop eared wig that very much
resembled Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to what is
called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, an hook nose, and high cheek
bones, rendered him on the whole a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As
we walked along, Strap, at my desire, enquired of a carman whom we met,
whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived; - and was answered by a stare accompanied with
the word, »Anan!« Upon which I came up in order to explain the question, but had
the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy
Scotch guard, and whipping up his horses with a »Gee ho!« which nettled me to
the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far, that after the fellow was
gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing. - While we were
deliberating what was next to be done, an hackney coachman driving softly along,
and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and calling, »A
coach, master!« by a dexterous management of the reins, made his horses stumble
in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. - After which, he drove on,
applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my
great mortification; but one more compassionate than the rest seeing us
strangers, advised me to go into an ale-house, and dry myself. I thanked him for
his advice, which I immediately complied with; and going into the house he
pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by the fire in a public
room, where we cleaned ourselves as well as we could - In the mean time, a wag
who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding by our dialect who we were,
came up to me, and, with a very grave countenance, asked me, how long I had been
caught? As I did not know the meaning of his question, I made no answer; and he
went on, saying, it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at
the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the
company, which seemed highly entertained with his wit. - I was incensed at this
usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be in a strange place,
and perceived the person who spoke to me, was a brawny fellow, for whom I was by
no means a match. However, Strap having either more courage or less caution,
could not put up with the insults that I suffered; but told him with a
peremptory tone, »He was an uncivil fellow, for making so free with his
betters.« - Whereupon, the wit going toward him, asked, »What he had got in his
knapsack?« Is it oat-meal or brimstone, Sawney? (said he) seizing him by the
chin, which he shook to the inexpressible diversion of all present. - My
companion feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged
himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear, as made him
stagger to the other side of the room; and in a moment, a ring was formed for
the combatants. - Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being heated
with indignation, which banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the
skin in an instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the
quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two
cried out, »That's a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play, by G-d.« This
gave me fresh spirits, and going up to my adversary, who by his pale
countenance, did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on
the stomach that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Here I
attempted to get a-top of him in order to improve my success, according to the
manner of my own country; but was restrained by the spectators, one of whom
endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not
fight, not being quite recovered of a late illness. - I was very well pleased
with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good
opinion of the company for my bravery, as did also my comrade Strap, who shook
me by the hand and wished me joy of the victory. - After having drank our pot,
and dried our clothes, we enquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer the
member of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we
imagined, he must be every bit as conspicuous here, as in the borough he
represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. -
Whereupon we betook ourselves to the street, where, seeing a footman standing at
a door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron lived. - This
member of the party-coloured fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said
he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bid us turn down the first street on our
left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after which we would
observe a lane, through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find
an alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the
thistle and three pedlars, and there he lodged. - We thanked him for his
information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to be
an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which
opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in
the house where he served. - We followed his directions punctually, in turning
to the left and to the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a
lane before us, we found ourselves at the side of the river, which perplexed us
not a little; and my fellow- ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly missed
our way. - By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not
knowing how to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by
the sign of the highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the
shopkeeper my countryman. - He was no sooner informed of our peregrination, and
the directions we had received from the footman, than he informed us we had been
imposed upon, telling us, that Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town;
and that it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time
he was gone to the House. - I then asked him if he could recommend us to a
lodging, which he readily did, by giving us a line to one of his acquaintance
who kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; here we hired a
bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of 2 s. per week, so very small,
that when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece
of furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of
chairs. - About dinner-time, our landlord asked us how we proposed to live, to
which we answered, that we would be directed by him. - »Well then (says he)
there are two ways of eating in this town, for people of your condition; the one
more creditable and expensive than the other: the first, is to dine at an
eating-house frequented by well dressed people only, and the other is called
diving, practised by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.«
- I gave him to understand that provided the last was not infamous, it would
suit much better with our circumstances than the other. - »Infamous (cried he)
God forbid, there are many creditable people, and rich people, ay and fine
people, that dive every day. - I have seen many a pretty gentleman bedaubed all
over with lace, dine in that manner, very comfortably for three pence
half-penny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a figure with
the best lord in the land; - but your own eyes shall bear witness. - I will go
along with you to-day and introduce you.« - He accordingly carried us to a
certain lane, where stopping, he bid us observe him, and do as he did, and
walking a few paces, dived into a cellar and disappeared in an instant. - I
followed his example, and descended very successfully, where I found myself in
the middle of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boil'd beef,
and surrounded by a company consisting chiefly of hackney-coachmen, chairmen,
draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board wages; who sat eating shin
of beef, tripe, cow-heel or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths,
which turned my stomach. - While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit
down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent missing one of the steps,
tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she was
carrying the porringer of soup to one of the guests: In her fall, she dashed the
whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the foot guards, who
happened to be in her way, and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and
danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations that made my hair stand on
end. While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar
to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor author of this
mischance, who lay under the table scratching his rump with a woeful countenance,
emptied a salt-seller in her hand, and stripping down the patient's stocking
which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. - This
poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his
exclamation, broke forth into such a hideous yell, as made the whole company
tremble; then seizing a pewter pint-pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of
it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the
same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent
transport, I bid the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which
she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred,
which was no other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for the pot he
had rendered useless; he swore he would pay for nothing but what he had eat, and
bid her be thankful for his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for
damages. - Strap foreseeing it would all land at him, promised to satisfy the
cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer with, which entirely
appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this our landlord and we sat
down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning
amounting to two pence halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.
 

                                  Chapter XIV

We visit Strap's friend -- a description of him -- his advice -- we go to Mr.
Cringer's house -- are denied admittance -- an accident befals Strap -- his
behaviour thereupon -- an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of which
I lose all my money
 
In the afternoon, my companion proposed to call at his friend's house, which, we
were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went, and were
so lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland
three or four years ago, kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin,
French and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed was the
pronounciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon
than any practised heretofore; and indeed if his scholars spoke like their
master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle;
for although I could easily understand every word of what I had heard hitherto
since I entered England, three parts in four of his dialect were as
unintelligible to me, as if he had spoke in Arabick or Irish. - He was a
middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his
face was very much pitted with the small-pox, his eyes blear'd, and his mouth
extended from ear to ear. - He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened
about his middle with a sergeant's old sash, and a tie-perriwig with a fore-top
three inches high, in the fashion of king Charles the second's reign. - After he
had received Strap (who was related to him) very courteously, he enquired of
him, who I was; and being informed, took me by the hand, telling me, he was at
school with my father. - When he understood my situation, he assured me that he
would do me all the service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise; and
while he spoke these words, he eyed me with great attention, walking round me
several times, and muttering, »O Ch-st! O Ch-st! fat a saight is here?« - I soon
guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and said, »I suppose, sir, you are not
pleased with my dress.« - »Dress, (answered he) you may caal it fat you please,
in your country, but I vaw to Gad, 'tis a masquerade here. - No christian will
admit such a figure into his hawse. - Upon my conscience! I wonder the dogs did
not hunt you. - Did you pass through St. James's market? - God bless my
eye-saight! you look like a cousin-German of Ouran Outang.« - I began to be a
little serious at this discourse, and asked him, if he thought I should obtain
entrance tomorrow at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended, for
an introduction into business. - »Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer (replied he,
scratching his cheek) may be a very honest gentleman - I know nothing to the
contrary; but is your sole dependence upon him? - Who recommended you to him?« -
I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes; at
which he stared at me, and repeated, »O Ch-st!« - I began to conceive bad omens
from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me with his advice; which
he promised to do very frankly; and as a specimen, directed us to a perriwig
ware-house, in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong
injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer, till I had parted with these
carroty locks, which (he said) were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me,
in all mankind. - And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back,
and bid me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand. - As we
walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend, who (it
seems) had assured him, he would in a day or two provide for him, with some good
master; and »now (says he) you shall see how I will fit you with a wig - There's
ne'er a barber in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a
penny-weight of dead hair upon me.« - And indeed this zealous adherent did
wrangle so long with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the
shop, and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice of
a good handsome bob, for which I paid fifteen shillings; and returned to our
lodging, where Strap, in a moment, rid me of that hair which had given the
school-master so much offence.
    We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave
audience by candle-light to all his dependants, he himself being obliged to
attend the levee of my lord Terrier, at break of day; because his lordship made
one at the minister's between eight and nine a-clock. - When we came to Mr.
Cringer's door. Strap, to give me an instance of his politeness, run to the
knocker, which he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole
street; and a window opening up two pair of stairs in the next house, a
chamber-pot was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was
wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury
deluge. - In the mean time, a footman opening the door, and seeing no body in
the street but us, asked with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a
damned noise, and what I wanted. - I told him I had business with his master,
whom I desired to see. - Upon which, he clapped the door in my face, telling me, I
must learn better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at
this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I sharply
reprimanded for his presumption; but he not in the least regarding what I said,
wrung the urine out of his perriwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with
such force against the street-door of that house from whence he had been
bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels,
leaving me to follow him as I could. - Indeed there was no time for
deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we
found ourselves, about the dawn, in a street we did not know. Here as we
wandered along, gaping about, a very decent sort of a man, passing by me,
stopped of a sudden, and took up something, which having examined, he turned,
and presented it to me with these words, »Sir, you have dropped half a crown.« - I
was not a little surprised at this instance of honesty, and told him, it did not
belong to me; but he bid me recollect and see if all my money was safe, upon
which I pulled out my purse (for I had bought one since I came to town) and
reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas, seven
shillings and two pence, I assured him I had lost nothing. - »Well then, (says
he) so much the better, - this is Godsend - and as you two were present when I
picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.« - I was astonished at
these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but
absolutely refused any part of the sum. - »Come, gentlemen, (said he) you are
too modest. - I see you are strangers - but you shall give me leave to treat you
with a whet this cold raw morning.« - I would have declined this invitation, but
Strap whispered to me, that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied. -
»Where shall we go? (said the stranger) I am quite ignorant of this part of the
town.« - I informed him that we were in the same situation: Upon which he
proposed to go into the first public house we should find open. As we walked
together, he began in this manner: »I find by your tongues you are come from
Scotland, gentlemen. - My grandmother by the father's side was of your country,
which has prepossessed me so much in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman
but my heart warms. - The Scots are a very brave people. - There is scarce a
great family in the kingdom, that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its
ancestors many hundred years ago. - There's your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbels,
Hamiltons. - We have no such ancient families here in England. - Then you are
all very well educated. - I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew, as
well as if they had been his mother tongue. - And for honesty - I once had a
servant, his name was Gregory Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold
gold.« - This eulogium on my native country, gained my affection so strongly,
that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap's eyes
swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived
a public house, which we entered; and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking
a pipe with a pint of purl before him. - Our new acquaintance asked us, if ever
we had drank egg flip; to which we answering in the negative, he assured us of a
regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the
same time. We found this composition very palatable, and drank heartily; the
conversation (which was introduced by the gentleman) turning upon the snares
that young unexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. - He
described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and
unwary; and warned us of them with so much good-nature and concern, that we
blessed the opportunity which threw us into his way. - After we had put the cann
about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all
night with a sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion
to keep him awake. - »Suppose (said he) we should take a hand at whist for
pastime. - But let me see, that won't do, there's only three of us; and I cannot
play at any other game. - The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of
complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.«
- Although I had no great inclination for gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an
hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much of
the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, »I wish we could find a fourth
hand.« - While we were in this perplexity, the person, whom we found at our
entrance, overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely,
and accosted us thus: »Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see, (shaking the ashes
into the fire) and rather than you should be baulked, I don't care if I take a
hand with you, for a trifle, - but remember I won't play for any thing of
consequence.« - We accepted his profer with pleasure; and having cut for
partners, it fell to my lot to play with him, against our friend and Strap, for
three pence a game. - We were so successful, that in a short time I was half a
crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had
no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. - By this time I was
inflamed with my good fortune, and the expectation of improving it, as I
perceived the two strangers plaid but indifferently: therefore I voted for
giving him his revenge, with which he complied after some entreaty, and cutting
again, Strap and I (to our mutual satisfaction) happened to be partners. - My
good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour, we had got thirty
shillings of their money; for as they lost, they grew the keener and doubled
stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about, and we
were very soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own
money. This mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of
Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our
condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with
a new acquisition. - Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to begone;
upon which, the person who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards;
and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part
of our success being owing to our good play. - This insinuation nettled me so
much, that I challenged him to continue the game for a crown; and he was with
difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. - This contest ended in less than
an hour, to my inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own
money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a six-pence. - The gentleman,
at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my disconsolate looks the
situation of my heart, which well nigh bursted with grief and resentment, when
the other stranger got up, and went away with my money; began in this manner: »I
am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly repair it, was it in my
power. - But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate
so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far as it will
go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. - You are a young man, and your
passions too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better: - However, there
is no experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the
longest day you have to live. - As for the fellow who has got your money, I
don't half like him. Did not you observe me tip you the wink, to leave off in
time?« - I answered, No. »No, (continued he) you was too eager to mind any thing
but the game. - But, harkee, (said he, in a whisper) are you satisfied of that
young man's honesty? his looks are a little suspicious; - but I may be mistaken;
- he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you; - this is a very
wicked town.« - I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's integrity,
and that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety at my
loss. - »O ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. - Landlord, see what's to
pay.« - The reckoning came to eighteen pence, which having discharged, the
gentleman shook us both by the hand, and saying he should be very glad to see us
again, departed.
 

                                   Chapter XV

Strap moralizes - presents his purse to me - we inform our landlord of my
misfortune, who unravels the mystery -- I present myself to Cringer - he
recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape -- I become acquainted with a
fellow-dependant, who explains the characters of Cringer and Staytape -- and
informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy-Office and Surgeon's-hall -
Strap is employed
 
In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap with a
hideous groan observed, that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this I
made no reply, and he went on: »God send us well out of this place, we have not
been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and
forty thousand misfortunes. - We have been jeered, reproached, buffetted, pissed
upon, and at last stripped of our money; and I suppose by and by we shall be
stripped of our skins. - Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our
own folly; Solomon says, Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wise. Ah!
God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.« This was no time
for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed
with resentment against him, who had refused me a little money to attempt to
retrieve it. I therefore, turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked
him, »Who he called fool!« Being altogether unaccustomed with such looks from
me, he stood still and stared in my face for some time; then, with some
confusion, uttered »Fool! - I called no body fool but myself; - I am sure, I am
the greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's
misfortunes; - but Nemo omnibus horis sapit. - that's all - that's all.« - Upon
which a silence ensued that brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself into
the bed in an agony of despair, resolving to perish for want, rather than apply
to my companion or any other body for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and
whose heart bled within him at my distress, after some pause, came to the
bed-side, and putting a leather purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, »I
know what you think: but I scorn your thoughts. - There's all I have in the
world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that be done - if not,
I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and starve
with you, for though I be a poor cobler's son, I am no scout.« - I was so
touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not
refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together for some time. -
Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half guineas and half a crown, which
I would have returned to him, saying, he knew better than I how to manage it;
but he absolutely refused my proposal, and told me, it was more reasonable and
decent that he should depend upon me who was a gentleman, than that I should be
controlled by him.
    After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we
informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the
extremity to which we were reduced: He no sooner heard the story, than he
assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were
associates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had
treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it
his business to decoy strangers in that manner, to one of his own haunts, where
an accomplice or two was always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey they had
run down. - Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who had
been reduced, cheated, pilfered, beat, -- nay, even murdered by such villains. I
was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind, and Strap lifting up
his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from scenes of
such iniquity; for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. - Our
landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer's,
we acquainted him with the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us,
we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a
m-b-r of p-m-t without a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected with the
master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters.
- He therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I desired
admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver
my letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I splipped a
shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. - I found
the good effects of my liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and
taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of passage, for
an answer. In this place I continued standing three quarters of an hour, during
which time I saw a great many young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scotland,
pass and repass, with an air of familiarity in their way to and from the
audience chamber: while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my
back to them, that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. - At
length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no
other than 'squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes: At parting Mr.
Cringer shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his
company at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were my commands:
when he understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he
affected to recollect my name, which however, he pretended he could not do, till
he had consulted the letter again; to save him that trouble, I told him my name
was Random. - Upon which he went on, »Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random -- I think
I remember the name;« and very well he might, for this very individual Mr.
Cringer had many a time rode before my grandfather's cloak-bag, in quality of
footman. - »Well, (says he) you propose to go on board a man of war, as
surgeon's mate.« To which I replied by a low bow. »I believe it will be a
difficult matter (continued he) to procure a warrant, there being already such a
swarm of Scotch surgeons at the Navy-Office, in expectation of the next vacancy,
that the commissioners are afraid of being torn in pieces, and have actually
applied for a guard to protect them. - However, some ships will soon be put in
commission, and then we shall see what's to be done.« - So saying, he left me,
exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with
from this upstart, proud, mean member, who (I imagined) would have thought it an
happiness to have it in his power to be grateful for the obligations he owed to
my family.
    At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap's being
employed on the recommendation of his friend the schoolmaster, by a
perriwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per week,
besides bed and board. - I continued to dance attendance every other morning at
the levée of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight, in which time I became acquainted
with a young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depended on the
member's interest; but was treated with much more respect than I, both by the
servants and master, being often admitted into a parlour, where there was a
fire, for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. -
Thither I was never permitted to penetrate on account of my appearance, which
was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a
cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door,
to speak with him. - One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a person was
introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, then running towards him, he saluted
him with a bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with
great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very
kindly how Mrs. Staytape, and the young ladies did; then, after a whisper which
continued some minutes, wherein I over-heard the word Honour repeated several
times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a
person whose advice and assistance I might depend upon, and having given me his
direction, followed me to the door, where he told me, I needed not give myself
the trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business
for me. At that instant my fellow dependant coming out after me, over-heard the
discourse of Mr. Cringer, and making up to me in the street, accosted me very
civilly, which I looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he made;
for he was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, a green silk waistcoat
trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles,
a gold-laced hat, a spencer wig, and a silver hilted hanger, with a fine clouded
cane in his hand. - »I perceive (says he) you are but lately come from Scotland:
- pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? - I suppose it is no secret -
and I may possibly give you some advice that will be serviceable; for I have
been surgeon's second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know
a good deal of the world.« - I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which
when he had learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much in
the same circumstances about a year ago; that he had relied on Cringer's
promises so long, that his money (which was considerable) as well as his credit,
was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply,
instead of money, he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle,
debauched fellow: That after he had waited at the Navy-Office many months for a
warrant, to no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised
him a small sum, wherewith he bribed the s-t-y, who soon procured a warrant for
him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day, that there was not one
vacancy. - That he had gone on board, where he remained nine months; at the end
of which the ship was put out of commission, and the company to be paid off in
Broad-street the very next day. - That his relations being reconcil'd to him,
had charge'd him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed
them by letter, that his interest alone had procured the warrant; in obedience
to which command, he came to his levee every morning as I saw, though he looked
upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. - In conclusion, he asked me if I had
yet passed at Surgeon's-Hall? To which I answered, I did not so much as know it
was necessary. - »Necessary! (cried he) O lord, O lord! I find I must instruct
you - come along with me, and I'll give you some information about that matter.«
- So saying, he carried me into an alehouse, where he called for some beer and
bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told
me I must first go to the Navy-Office, and write to the board, desiring them to
order a letter for me to the Surgeon's-Hall, that I may be examined touching my
skill in surgery: That the Surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my
qualification sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which
qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the board, who would open it in
my presence, and read the contents. After which, I must employ my interest to be
provided for as soon as possible. - That the expense of his qualification for
second mate of a third rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the
warrant, which cost him half a guinea and half a crown, besides the present to
the secretary, which consisted of a three pound twelve piece. - This calculation
was like a thunder-bolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve
shillings - I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress,
after having thanked him for his information and advice. - He condoled with me
on this occasion; but bid me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship
for me, and would make all things easy. - 'Tis true he was run out at present,
but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of receiving a considerable sum; of
which he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigences. This
frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse and emptied it
before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket expense until he
should receive his own money. - With a good deal of pressing he was prevailed
upon to take five shillings, telling me that he might have what money he pleased
at any time, for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met with me,
he would defer his going thither till to-morrow, when I should go along with
him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myself, without a servile
dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the lousy tailor to whom I heard
him turn you over. - »How (cried I) is Mr. Staytape a tailor?« - »No less, I'll
assure you (answer'd he) and I confess, more likely to serve you than the
member: For provided you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may
have credit with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.« - I told
him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incens'd at Cringer's usage, that I
would never set my foot within his door again. - After a good deal more
conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to
meet next day at the same place, in order to set out for the city. - I went
immediately to Strap, and related every thing which had happen'd, but he did not
at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as
we had been already so much impos'd upon by appearances. »However, (said he) if
you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe.«
 

                                  Chapter XVI

My new acquaintance breaks an appointment - I proceed, by myself, to the
Navy-Office - address myself to a Person there, who assists me with his advice -
I write to the board - they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at the Hall - I am
inform'd of the beau's name and character - I find him - he makes me his
confident in an amour - desires me to pawn my linen, for his occasions - I
recover what I lent him - some curious observations of Strap on that occasion -
his vanity
 
In the morning I got up and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two
hours in vain; and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment,
that I set out for the city by myself, in hopes of finding the villain, and
being reveng'd on him for his perfidy. - At length I found myself at the
Navy-Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below;
many of whom made no better appearance than myself - I consulted the physiognomy
of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I lik'd; and ask'd, if he
could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent to the board,
to obtain an order for examination: He answered me in broad Scotch, that he
would show me the copy of what he had wrote for himself, by the direction of
another who knew the form: And accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my
perusal; and told me, that if I was expeditious, I might send it in to the board
before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me
to a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately
delivered to the messenger; who told me, I might expect an order to-morrow about
the same time. - Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good
deal compos'd; and as I had met with so much civility from this stranger, I
desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved however, not to be
deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau - He agreed to
dine with me at the cook's shop which I frequented; and on our way thither,
carried me to 'Change, where I was in some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for
that was the name of the person who had broke his appointment) - I sought him
there to no purpose, and on our way to the other end of the town, imparted to my
companion his behaviour towards me: Upon which, he gave me to understand, that
he was no stranger to the name of beau Jackson (so he was called at the
Navy-Office) altho' he did not know him personally; that he had the character of
a good-natur'd careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any body
that would lend; that most people who knew him, believed he had a good enough
principle at the bottom; but his extravagance was such, he would probably never
have it in his power to manifest the honesty of his intention. - This account
made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether
despair of recovering, provided I could find out the debtor. - This young man
likewise added another circumstance of 'Squire Jackson's history, which was,
that being destitute of all means to equip him for sea, when he receive'd his
last warrant, he had been recommended to a person who lent him a little money,
after he had signed a will and power, entitling that person to lift his wages
when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of his
death. - That he was still under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman,
who advanced him small sums from time to time upon this security, at the rate of
50 per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his funds would do
little more than pay what he had already receive'd; this moderate interest
included. - After the stranger (whose name was Thomson) had entertain'd me with
this account of Jackson, he inform'd me, that he himself had passed for a third
mate of a third rate, about four months ago; since which time, he had constantly
attended at the Navy- in hopes of a warrant, having been assure'd from the
beginning, both by a Scotch member and one of the commissioners to whom the
member recommended him, that he should be put into the first vacancy;
notwithstanding which promise, he had had the mortification to see six or seven
appointed in the same station almost every week - that now being utterly
impoverish'd, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come to
town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the s-t-y; without which he
was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose. - I conceived a
mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the
similitude of our fortunes: We spent the whole day together; and as he lived at
Wapping, I desire'd him to take a share of my bed. - Next day we returned to the
Navy-Office, where, after being called before the board and question'd about the
place of my nativity and education, they order'd a letter to be made out for me,
which, upon paying half a crown to the clerk, I receive'd, and deliver'd into the
hands of the clerk at Surgeon's-Hall, together with a shilling for his trouble
in registering my name. - By this time my whole stock was diminished to two
shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present
subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeon's-Hall for my
examination, which was to happen in a fortnight. - In this state of perplexity,
I consulted Strap, who assured me, he would pawn everything he had in the world,
even to his razors, before I should want: but this I absolutely rejected,
telling him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had
some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. - At the word soldier, he
grew pale as death, and begged on his knees, I would think no more of that
scheme. »God preserve us all in our right wits! (cried he) would you turn
soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand
and be shot at like a woodcock? - Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcass! and
et me die in a bed like a christian, as all my fore-fathers have done. - What
signifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one enjoys not content -
And in the next, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor honest Barber
with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death bed, than be
cut off (God bless us) by a musket shot, as it were in the very flower of one's
age, in the pursuit of riches and fame. - What signifies riches (my dear
friend!) do they not make unto themselves wings, as the wise-man saith; and does
not Horace observe, Non domus aut fundus, non æris acervus aut auri Ægroto
domini deduxit corpore febrem, non animo curas. - I could moreover mention many
other sayings in contempt of riches, both from the bible and other good books;
but as I know you are not very fond of these things, I shall only assure you,
that if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should
both be slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine
also: And peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle. -
Therefore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small
things, and share the fruits of my industry in peace, 'till providence shall
send better tidings; or by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies into
everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid.« - I could not
help smiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, the
tears standing in his eyes all the time; and promised to do nothing of that sort
without his consent and concurrence. - He was much comforted with this
declaration; and told me, in a few days he should receive a week's wages which
should be at my service, but advised me in the mean time, to go in quest of
Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrow'd of me. - I accordingly
trudg'd about from one end of the town to the other, for several days, without
being able to learn any thing certain concerning him: And, one day, being
extremely hungry and allur'd by the steams that regal'd my nostrils from a
boiling cellar, I went down with an intention to gratify my appetite with
two-penny worth of beef; when, to my no small surprise, I found Mr. Jackson
sitting at dinner with a footman. - He no sooner perceive'd me than he got up,
and shook me by the hand, saying, »He was glad to see me, for he intended to
have call'd at my lodgings in the afternoon.« - I was so well pleas'd with this
rencounter, and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I
forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not
only recovering my own money before we should part, but also reaping the benefit
of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this my sanguine
complexion suggested, notwithstanding the account Thompson gave me of him, ought
to have taught me better. - When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave
of the footman, and adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where after
shaking me by the hand again, he began thus, »I suppose you think me a sad dog,
Mr. Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me - but I dare say
you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed, was
owing to a peremptory message, I receive'd from a certain lady, whom - harkee
(but this is a great secret) I am to marry very soon - You think this strange
perhaps, but it is not less true for all that - a five thousand pounder, I'll
assure you, besides expectations - For my own part, devil take me if I know what
any woman can see engaging about me - but a whim you know, -- and then one would
not baulk one's good fortune - You saw that footman who din'd with us - he's one
of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery - You must know, it was by his
means, I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman,
who is his mistress - ay, many a crown has he and his sweet-heart had of my
money - but what of that! things are now brought to a bearing. - I have - (come
a little this way) I have propos'd marriage, and the day is fix'd - she's a
charming creature! and writes like an angel - O lord! she can repeat all the
English tragedies as well as e'er a player in Drury-Lane; and indeed is so fond
of plays, that to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings in a court hard by
the theatre - But you shall see - you shall see - here's the last letter she
sent me.« - With these words he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of
my remembrance) as follows:
 
        »Dire creature,
            As you are the animable hopjack of my contempleshons, your ay-dear
        is constantanously skimming before my kimmerical fansie, when morfeus
        sheds illeusinary puppies upon the I's of dreeming mortels; and when
        lustroos febus shines from his kotidian throne: Wheerpon, I shall
        consceif old whorie time has lost his pinners, as also cubit his
        harrows, until thou enjoy sweet slumbrs in the lovesick harrums of thy
        faithful to commend 'till death.
        Vine gar-yard Droory lane,
January 12th.«
                                                                    »CLAYRENDER«
 
While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands, and
bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and
squeezing it, cried out, »There is stile for you! what do you think of this
billet doux?« I answer'd, »It might be sublime for aught I knew, for it was
altogether above my comprehension.« - »O ho! (said he) I believe it is - both
tender and sublime - she's a divine creature! and so doats upon me! - Let me see
- what shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? - In
the first place I shall do for you - I'm a man of few words - but, say no more -
that's determin'd - Whether would you advise me to purchase some post, by which
I may rise in the state; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and retire to the
country at once?« I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do
better than buy an estate and improve it; especially since he had already seen
so much of the world. Then I launch'd out into the praises of a country life, as
describe'd by the poets whose works I had read - He seem'd to relish my advice,
but withal told me, that although he had seen a great deal of the world both at
land and sea, having cruiz'd three whole months in the Channel, yet he should
not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he propos'd to do before he
should settle; and to carry his wife along with him. - I had nothing to object
to his proposal; and ask'd him, how soon he hop'd to be happy. - »As to that
(replied he) nothing obstructs my happiness, but the want of a little ready cash
- for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or
two; and I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad-street, by being detain'd too
long by the dear charmer - but there will be a recall at Chatham next week,
whither the ship's books are sent, and I have commission'd a friend in that
place to receive the money.« - »If that be all (said I) there's no great harm in
deferring your marriage a few days.« - »Yes, faith! but there is (replied he)
you don't know how many rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me
- I would not baulk the impatience of her passion for the world - the least
appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin all: and such offers don't
occur every day.« I acquiesc'd in this observation, and enquire'd how he intended
to proceed: At this he rubb'd his chin, and said, »Why, truly I must be oblige'd
to some friend or other - do you know nobody that would lend me a small sum for
a day or two?« - I assure'd him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I
did not believe I could borrow a guinea, if my life depended upon it. - »No
(said he) that's hard - that's hard - I wish I had any thing to pawn upon my
soul! you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt) how many
shirts of that kind have you got?« - I answer'd, »six ruffled and six plain.« -
At which he testified great surprise, and swore that no gentleman ought to have
more than four - »How many d'ye think I have got (continued he;) but this and
another as I hope to be save'd! - I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum
out of your superfluity - let me see - let me see - each of these shirts are
worth eighteen shillings at a moderate computation - now suppose we pawn them
for half price - eight times eight is sixty-four, that's three pound four -
z-ds! it will do - give me your hand.« - »Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson (said I)
don't dispose of my linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me,
and then we shall talk of other matters.« - He protested he had not above one
shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first money raised
from the shirts - This piece of assurance incensed me so much, that I swore I
would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent
him, and as for the shirts I would not pawn one of them to save him from the
gallows. - At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained, it was
damned hard, that I should refuse him a trifle, that would infallibly enable him
not only to make his own fortune, but mine also. - »You talk of pawning my
shirts (said I) what would you think of selling this hanger, Mr. Jackson? I
believe it would fetch a good round sum.« - »No, hang it (said he) I can't
appear decently, without my hanger, or by G-d it should go.« - However, seeing
me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and
showing me the sign of three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn
it for two guineas. - This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen
any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of
false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should, perhaps, ever had, I
ventured into a pawn-broker's shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge,
in the name of Thomas Williams. - »Two guineas, (said the pawn-broker, looking
at the hanger) this piece of goods has been here several times before, for
thirty shillings; however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will
redeem it, he shall have what he wants;« and accordingly he paid me the money,
which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson, and calling for change, I
counted out to him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for
myself. - After looking at the money some time, he said, »D-n it! it don't
signify - this won't do my business; so you may as well take half a guinea or a
whole one, as the five shillings you have kept.« - I thanked him kindly, but
refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of
repaying it. - Upon which he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively
raw, or I would not talk in that manner. - »Blood! (cried he) I have a very bad
opinion of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend, when he's in want -
'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. - Come, come, Random, give me back the five
shillings, and take this half guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I
believe you will; if not, d-n me, if ever I ask it.« - When I reflected on my
present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after making my
acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with a play, I returned
to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the
morning: and at night, imparted my day's adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my
good luck, saying, »I told you, if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough - and
who knows but this marriage may make us all. - You have heard, I suppose, as how
a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, run away with a great lady of this
town, and now keeps his coach - Ecod! I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I
was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room - a
fine buxom wench, i' faith! and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain
person, whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a
fulling mill, and my hand sh - sh - shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin
off the gentleman's nose; whereby he swore a deadly oath, and was going to
horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace. - Omen haud malum! Is
not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is,
the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber uses it for the head: and as
the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a
baker - for what's the belly without the head? - Besides, I am told he could
neither read nor write; now you know I can do both: And moreover speak Latin. -
But I will say no more, for I despise vanity - nothing is more vain than
vanity.« - With these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax candle's end,
which he applied to his forehead; and upon examination, I found he had combed
his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole dress
become a very smart shaver. - I congratulated him on his prospect with a
satirical smile, which he understood very well; and shaking his head, observed I
had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my
incredulity.
 

                                  Chapter XVII

I go to Surgeon's-hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson -- I am examined -- a
fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners -- Jackson disguises himself
to attract respect -- is detected -- in hazard of being sent to Bridewell -- he
treats us at a tavern -- carries us to a night-house a troublesome adventure
there -- we are committed to the Round house -- carried before a justice -- his
behaviour
 
With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money
he earned, I preserved my half guinea entire, till the day of examination, when
I went with a trembling heart to Surgeon's-hall, in order to undergo that
ceremony. - Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I
perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up, and enquiring into the
state of his amour, understood it was still undetermined by reason of his
friend's absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his
power to bring it to a conclusion. - I then asked what his business was in this
place; to which he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that
in case the one failed he might use the other; and with this view, he was to
pass that night for a higher qualification. - At that instant a young fellow
came out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip
quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. - He no sooner
appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what
reception he had met with; which (after some pause) he described, recounting all
the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner, we
obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past,
they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: At length the beadle called my
name, with a voice that made me tremble, as much as if it had been the last
trumpet: However, there was no remedy, I was conducted into a large hall, where
I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table. One of whom bid me
come forward in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two
bereft of my senses. - The first question he put to me was, »Where was you
born?« To which I answered, In Scotland. - »In Scotland (said he) I know that
very well - we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here - you Scotchmen
have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt: - I ask you in what part of
Scotland was you born?« - I named the place of my nativity, which he had never
before heard of: He then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town
where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I had
informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion;
swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as
surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,
to pretend to sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time,
when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least; - that my
friends had done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker, but their
pride would have me a gentleman (he supposed) at any rate, and their poverty
could not afford the necessary education. - This exordium did not at all
contribute to the recovery of my spirits, but on the contrary, reduced me to
such a situation that I was scarce able to stand; which being perceived by a
plump gentleman, who sat opposite to me, with a skull before him, he said Mr.
Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and turning towards me, told me, I
need not be afraid, for no body would do me any harm; then bidding me take time
to recollect myself, he examined me touching the operation of the trepan, and
was very well satisfied with my answers. - The next person who questioned me was
a wag, who began by asking me if I had ever seen amputation performed; to which
I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, »What! upon a dead
subject, I suppose? If (continued he) during an engagement at sea, a man should
be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave?« - After some
hesitation, I owned, such a case had never come under my observation; neither
did I remember to have seen any method of cure proposed for such an accident, in
any of the systems of surgery I had perused. Whether it was owing to the
simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the question, I know not, but every
member at the board deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have
very little of the animal risibile in his constitution. - The facetious member,
encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus: »Suppose you was
called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had been bruised by a fall, what
would you do?« I answered, I would bleed him immediately. »What, (said he)
before you tied up his arm?« - But this stroke of wit not answering his
expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who
with a pert air, asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the
intestines. - I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed by the best
chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious
smile. »So, you think with such treatment the patient might recover?« - I told
him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. - »That may be (resumed he) I
won't answer for your foresight; - but did you ever know a case of this kind
succeed?« I acknowledged I did not; and was about to tell him I had never seen a
wounded intestine; but he stopped me, by saying with some precipitation, »Nor
never will. - I affirm, that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or
small, are mortal.« - »Pardon me, brother (says the fat gentleman) there is very
good authority« -- Here he was interrupted by the other, with »Sir, excuse me, I
despise all authority. - Nullius in verba. - I stand upon my own bottom.« - »But
Sir, Sir, (replied his antagonist) the reason of the thing shows« - »A fig for
reason (cried this sufficient member) I laugh at reason, give me ocular
demonstration.« - The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed that
no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts, would advance such an
extravagant assertion. - This inuendo enraged the other so much, that he started
up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: »What Sir! do you question my knowledge in
anatomy?« - By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or
other of the disputants, and raised their voices all together, when the chairman
commanded silence and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour,
I was called in again, and received my qualification sealed up, and was ordered
to pay five shillings. - I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood
some time, until one of them bid me begone; to this I replied, I will, when I
have got my change; upon which another threw me five shillings and six-pence,
saying, I would not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was
afterwards obliged to give three shillings and six-pence to the beadles, and a
shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: This disbursement sunk my finances
to thirteen pence half-penny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson
perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him and he would
accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination should be
over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend; but I was
astonished at the change of his dress, which was varied in half an hour from
what I have already described, to a very grotesque fashion. - His head was
covered with an old smoked tye-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a
sloutched hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper or a
dustman; - his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had
twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great coat that wrapped up his
whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted hose; and
his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own
painting. - When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and
told me, it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend who lived over the
way, and would certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it
gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I
applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience, for the effects of it. At
length he was called in, but whether the odness of his appearance excited a
curiosity more than usual in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to his
figure, I know not, he was discovered to be an impostor, and put into the hands
of the beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him
come out with a cheerful countenance, and a surgeon's qualification in his hand,
I perceived him led through the outward hall as a prisoner; and was very much
alarmed and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable voice
and piteous aspect, to me, and some others who knew him; »For God's sake,
gentlemen, bear witness that I am the same individual John Jackson, who served
as surgeon's second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to
Bridewell.« - It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that
ever lived, to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address; we
therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded
his cause so effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half a crown,
that the prisoner was dismissed; and in a few moments resumed his former gaiety;
- swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend it every
shilling before he went to bed in treating his friends; at the same time
inviting us all to favour him with our company. - It was now ten o'clock at
night, and as I had a great way to walk in a town where I was a stranger, I was
prevailed upon to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me
to my lodgings, which he faithfully promised. - He carried us to his friend's
house, who kept a tavern over the way, where we remained drinking punch, until
the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicksome: I, in
particular was so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench, at
which Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire before
we parted. - Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning we sallied out, roaring
and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal
entertainment, where I immediately attached myself to a fair one, with whom I
proposed to spend the remaining part of the night; but she not relishing my
appearance, refused to grant my request before I had made her an acknowledgement,
which not suiting my circumstances we broke off our correspondence, to my no
small mortification and resentment, because I thought the mercenary creature had
not done justice to my merit. - In the mean time, Mr. Jackson's dress had
attracted the inclinations and assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded
him with caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them;
till at length, notwithstanding the sprightly sallies of these charmers, sleep
began to exert his power over us all: and our conductor called, »To pay.« When
the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his
pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, for his purse was gone. - This
accident disconcerted him a good deal at first, but after some recollection he
seized the two Dulcineas, who sat by him, one in each hand; and swore if they
did not immediately restore his money, he would charge a constable with them. -
The good lady at the bar seeing what passed, whispered something to the drawer,
who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was the matter? -
Jackson told her he was robbed, and if she refused him satisfaction, he would
have her and her whores committed to Bridewell. - »Robbed (cried she) robbed, in
my house! gentlemen and ladies I take you all to witness, this person has
scandalized my reputation.« - At that instant, seeing the constable and watch
enter, she went on, »What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions
to ruin my character; but even commit an assault against my family? Mr.
Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot
here, I shall take care and bring an action against him for defamation.« - While
I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober, the
lady whose favours I had solicited, being piqued at some repartee that passed
between us, cried, »They are all concerned;« and desired the constable to take
us all into custody, which was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment
and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes was
very little concerned, and charged the constable in his turn, with the landlady
and her whole bevy: Upon which we were carried all together prisoners to the
round-house; where Jackson (after a word of comfort to us) informed the
constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning
before the justice. - »Ay, ay, (says the bawd) we shall see whose oath will most
signify.« - In a little time the constable calling Jackson into another room,
spoke to him thus: »I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am
very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business as this is. I have
known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the
neighbourhood these many years; and although often complained of as a nuisance,
still escapes thro' her interest with the J-t-ces, to whom she and all of her
employment, pay contribution quarterly for protection. - As she charged me with
you first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence
to swear whatever she shall please to desire them. So that, unless you make it
up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves happily quit for
a month's hard labour in Bridewell. - Nay, if she should swear a robbery or
assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions
at the Old-Baily for your life.« This last piece of information had such an
effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be
restored: The constable told him, that instead of restoring what they had
stol'n, he was pretty certain, it would cost him some more before they would
come to any composition. - But however, he had compassion on him, and would, if
he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. - The unfortunate beau thanked
him for his friendship, and returned to us, where he acquainted us with the
substance of his dialogue; while the constable desiring to speak in private with
our adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded our cause so
effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: He accordingly proposed
an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three
shillings to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities,
to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in
the state of the damned ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. - By
the time we had finished our bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my
last shilling, it was morning; and I proposed to move homeward, when the
constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order of
the justice, before whom we must appear. - This renewed my regret, and I cursed
the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation. - About nine a-clock we
were escorted to the house of a certain justice not many miles distant from
Covent-Garden; who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners
at his heels, than he saluted him as follows: »So, Mr. Constable, you are a
diligent man - what den of rogues have you been scouring?« Then looking at us,
who appeared with a dejected air, he continued, »Ay, ay, thieves, I see - old
offenders - O your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have
been taken robbing your house - yes, yes, here's an old acquaintance of mine -
you have used expedition (said he to me) in returning from transportation; but
we shall save you that trouble for the future - the surgeons will fetch you from
your next transportation at their expense.« I assured his worship he was
mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. - To this he
replied, »How, you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I
am to be imposed upon by that northern accent which you have assumed? but it
shan't avail you - you shall find me too far north for you. - Here, clerk, write
this fellow's mittimus - His name is Patrick Gaghagan.« - Here Mr. Jackson
interposed, and told him, I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a
good family, and that my name was Random. - The justice looked upon this
declaration as an outrage against his memory, on which he valued himself much;
and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his
sides, and said, »Who are you, Sir? - Do you give me the lie? - Take notice,
gentlemen, here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench - but I'll lay you
fast, sirrah, I will - for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are
a notorious felon.« - My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was
thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained
speechless - This his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and to complete the
discovery continued his threats. - »Now, I am convinced you are a thief, - your
face discovers it - you tremble all over - your conscience won't lie still - you
will be hang'd, sirrah (raising his voice) you will be hanged, and happy had it
been for the world, as well as your own miserable soul, if you had been detected
and cut off in the beginning of your career. - Come hither, clerk, and take this
man's confession.« - I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable
going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the
story: upon which he returned with a smiling countenance, and addressing himself
to us all, said, it was always his way to terrify young people, when they came
before him, that his threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and
deterr them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery which commonly ended
before the judge. - Thus having cloaked his own want of discernment, under the
disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much
lightened as if a mountain had been lifted from off my breast.
 

                                 Chapter XVIII

I carry my qualifications to the Navy-Office - the nature of it - the behaviour
of the s-t-y -- Strap's concern for my absence -- a battle betwixt him and a
blacksmith -- the troublesome consequences of it -- his harangue to me -- his
friend the school-master recommends me to a French apothecary, who entertains me
as a journeyman
 
I would willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions, that
we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy-Office before one
a-clock; upon which we repaired thither, and gave them to the s-t-y, who opened
and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second
mate of a third rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our
company asked if there were any vacancies; to which he answered, No. Then I
ventured to enquire if any ships were to be put in commission soon. - At which
he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt, and pushing us out of his
office, locked the door without deigning us one word. - We went down stairs and
conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had
been recommended to one or other of the commissioners; and each of them promised
the first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon
that interest, without a present to the s-t-y, with whom the c-mm-rs went
snacks. - For which reason each had provided a small purse; and I was asked what
I proposed to give? - This was a vexatious question to me, who (so far from
being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous s-t-y) had not wherewithal to buy me a
dinner. - I therefore answered, I had not determined yet what to give; and
sneaked off towards my own lodging, cursing my fate all the way, and inveighing
with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid
avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence. - Full of
these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged, and
relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man
believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he should never see me
again. - Strap, who had been to see me in the morning, understanding I had been
abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his
master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town
than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of my adventure, I told him, I
had met an acquaintance at Surgeon's-hall, with whom I spent the evening and
night, but being very much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore
intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went to bed and desired to be
awakened if Strap happened to come while I should be asleep. - I was accordingly
roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three a-clock in the
afternoon; and presented a figure to my eyes, that I could scarce believe real.
- In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeon's-hall, had
enquired for me there to no purpose; from thence he found his way to the
Navy-Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to
every body then present; he afterwards went upon Change in hopes of seeing me
upon the Scotch walk; but without any success: At last, being almost in dispair
of finding me, he resolved to ask every body he met in the street, if perchance
any one could give him information about me: and actually put his resolution in
practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses and reproaches with which he was
answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice, seeing him stop a porter with a burden
on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse,
called to him, and asked if the person he enquired after was not a Scotchman? -
Strap replied with great eagerness, »Yes, and had on a brown coat with long
skirts.« - »The same (said the blacksmith) I saw him pass about an hour ago.« -
»Did you so? (cried Strap, rubbing his hands) Odd! I am very glad of that -
which way went he?« - »Towards Tyburn in a cart, (said he) if you make good
speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.« - This piece of wit
incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel,
and protested he would fight him for half a farthing. - »No, no, (said the
other, stripping) I'll have none of your money - you Scotchmen seldom carry any
about you - but I'll fight you for love.« - There was a ring immediately formed
by the mob; and Strap finding he could not get off honourably without fighting,
at the same time burning with resentment against his adversary, quitted his
clothes to the care of the multitude, and the battle began with great violence
on the side of Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on
his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till
finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such
interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave
out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man. - The victory being thus
decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by and drink friends. - But
when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he perceived that some honest
person or other had made free with his shirt, neckcloath, hat and wig, which
were carried off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the
same fate, had they been worth the stealing. - It was in vain for him to make a
noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in
this manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty, and appeared before me,
all besmeared with blood and dirt. - Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was
his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk
me to death with his embraces. - After he had cleaned himself and put on one of
my shirts, and a woolen night-cape instead of hat and wig; I recounted to him
the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with admiration, and
made him repeat with great energy an observation which was often in his mouth,
viz. »London is the devil's drawing room.« - As neither of us had dined, he
desired me to get up, and the milk-woman coming round at that instant, he went
down stairs and brought up a quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a
comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to
eighteen-pence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of
his friend the schoolmaster.
    He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order
to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is impossible
to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in
which I lived, at the expense of a poor barber's boy. - My pride took the alarm,
and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy-Office, I came to a resolution of
enlisting in the foot guards next day, coute qui coute. - This extravagant
design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction, and I was
charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap's return
interrupted my reverie. - The school-master had made him a present of the
tye-wig which he wore when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat,
whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. - Though Strap had ventured to
wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by day; therefore
went to work immediately and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was
employed in this manner, he addressed me thus: - »To be sure, Mr. Random, you
are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning - and indeed look like a
gentleman, for as to person you may hold up your head with the best of them. -
On the other hand, I am a poor, but honest cobler's son - my mother was as
industrious a woman as ever broke bread, 'till such time as she took to
drinking, which you very well know - but every body has failings - humanum est
errare. - Now for myself I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made, and
understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek - but what of that?
perhaps I might also say that I know a little of the world - but that is not to
the purpose - though you be gentle and I simple, it does not follow but that I
who am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. - Now this is the case
- my kinsman the school-master - perhaps you did not know, how nearly he is
related to me - I'll satisfy you in that presently - his mother and my
grandfather's sister's nephew - no, that's not it - my grandfather's brother's
daughter - rabbit it! I have forgot the degree - but this I know, he and I are
cousins seven times removed.« - My impatience to know the good office he had
done me, got the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place, with,
»D-n your relation and pedigree, - if the school-master or you can be of any
advantage to me, why don't you tell it, without all this preamble.« - When I
pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for some time
with a grave countenance, and then went on: »Surely, our pedigree is not to be
d-n'd, because it is not so noble as yours. - I am very sorry to see such an
alteration in your temper of late - you was always fiery, but now you are grown
as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive
us) plaid so many unlucky tricks, while we were at school; - but I will no
longer detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than
doubt - dubio procul dubio nil dubius. - My friend, or relation, or which you
will, or both, the school-master, being informed of the regard I have for you -
for you may be sure, I did not fail to let him know your good qualities - by the
by, he has undertaken to teach you the pronounciation of the English-tongue,
without which (he says) you will be unfit for business in this country. - I say,
my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a
journeyman; and on his recommendation, you may have fifteen pounds per year, bed
and board, whenever you please.« - I was too much interested in this piece of
news to entertain it with indifference; but jumping up, I insisted on Strap's
accompanying me immediately to the house of his friend, that I might not lose
this opportunity through the least delay or neglect on my part. - We were
informed that the school-master was in company at a public house in the
neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very
individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our desire,
and observed my impatience, he broke out in his usual term of admiration: »O
Ch-st! I suppose when you heard of this offer, you did not take leisure enough
to come down stairs, but leapt out of the window; did you overturn no porter nor
oyster-woman in your way? - It was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains
out against some post in your career. - O' my conscience! I believe had I been
in the inmost recesses of my habitation, - the very penetralia, - even in bed
with my wife; your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency and
every thing. - The den of Cacus, or Sancti sanctorum could not have hid me from
you. But come along, the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house, I will
present you to him forthwith.« - When I entered the room, I perceived four or
five people smoking, one of whom the school-master accosted thus: - »Mr.
Lavement, here is the young man of whom I spoke to you.« - The apothecary, who
was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned
up at the end, large cheek bones that helped to form a pit for his little grey
eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles, like the
alforjas of a baboon; and a mouth so accustomed to that contraction which
produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering
the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly
by anatomists, called canine. - This person (I say) after having eyed me
sometime; said, »Oho, 'tis ver well, Mons. Concordance; - yong man, you are ver
welcome, take one coup of bierre. - and come to mine house to-marrow morning,
Mons. Concordance vil show you de way.« - Upon this I made my bow, and as I went
out of the room, could hear him say, Ma foy! c'est un beau garçon, c'est un
galliard. - As I had by my own application while I served Crab, acquired the
French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language, and
understand any thing that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend
ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the
same country, not being on the reserve before me, might possibly discover
something in discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage. -
Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary's house, where the
bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. -
But before I entered upon business, the school-master recommended me to his
tailor who gave me credit for a suit of clothes to be paid out of the first
moiety of my wages, and they were begun that very day; he afterwards
accommodated me with a new hat, on the same terms; so that in a few days, I
hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. - In the mean time, Strap conveyed
my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of
stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, an
earthen chamber-pot without a handle, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a
triangular piece of glass instead of a mirrour; the rest of its ornaments having
been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the servant of
an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.
 

                                  Chapter XIX

The characters of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter -- some anecdotes of the
family -- the mother and daughter rivals -- I am guilty of a mistake that gives
me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome consequences
 
Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well dressed came
in, on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and taking an
opportunity when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went
away with a silent look of disdain - I easily guessed her sentiments, and my
pride took the resolution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect
towards her - At dinner, the maids with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to
understand that this was my master's only daughter, who would have a very
handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young
gentlemen made their addresses to her - that she had been twice on the brink of
marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part
with a shilling as long as he should live - for which reason the young lady did
not behave to her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected:
In particular, she harbour'd the most perfect hatred for his countrymen, in
which disposition her mother join'd, who was an English woman; and by the hints
they dropp'd, I learn'd the grey mare was the better horse - that she was a
matron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her
dependants: That she love'd diversions; and look'd upon miss as her rival in all
parties; which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; for had the
mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have venture'd to refuse
her demands. - Over and above this intelligence, I of myself, soon made more
discoveries; Mr. Lavement's significant grins at his wife, while she look'd
another way, convince'd me that he was not at all content with his lot: And his
behaviour in presence of the captain, made me believe his chief torment was
jealousy. - As for my own part, I was consider'd in no other light than that of
a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being
honour'd with one word from either mother or daughter, the latter (as I
understood from the maids) having at table one day, expressed some surprise that
her papa should entertain such an awkward, mean-looking journeyman. - I was
nettled at this piece of information, and next sunday, (it being my turn to take
my diversion) dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and,
vanity apart, made no contemptible figure. - After having spent most part of the
day in company with Strap and some of his acquaintance, I came home in the
afternoon, and was let in by miss, who not knowing me, dropped a low courtesy as I
advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door - By that time
I had turn'd about, she had perceive'd her mistake, and chang'd colour, but did
not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away without jostling
her; so, I was force'd to remain where I was, with my eyes fix'd on the ground,
and my face glowing with blushes - At length her vanity coming to her
assistance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word
creature: From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty times every day,
upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous airs, that I
could easily perceive her opinion of me was chang'd, and that she did not think
me altogether an unworthy conquest - But my heart was so steel'd against her
charms by pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my
disposition, that I remain'd insensible to all her arts; and notwithstanding
some advances she made, could not be prevail'd upon to yield her the least
attention - This neglect soon banish'd all the favourable impressions she felt
for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in her heart; which she
manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could invent to my
prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me such servile
employments, as she hoped, would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in
particular, she order'd me to brush my master's coat, but I refusing, a smart
dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother
interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determin'd it in my
favour; and this good office I ow'd not to any esteem or consideration she had
for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this
occasion observe'd, that let people be never so much in the right, there were
some folks who would never do them justice; but to be sure, they had their
reason for it, which some people were not ignorant of, although they despised
their little arts. - This insinuation of some people and some folks, put me upon
observing the behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future; and it was
not long before I had reason to believe that she look'd upon her daughter as a
rival in the affections of captain Odonnell, who lodged in the house. - In the
mean time my industry and knowledge gain'd me the good will of my master, who
would often say in French, »Mardy! c'est un bon Garçon.« He had a great deal of
business; but as he was mostly employ'd among his fellow refugees, his profits
were small. - However, his expense for medicines was not great, he being the
most expert man at a succedaneum, of any apothecary in London, so that I have
been sometimes amaz'd to see him without the least hesitation, make up a
physician's prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mention'd
in it. - Oyster-shells he could convert into crab's eyes; common oil into oil of
sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water into aqua
cinnamomi; turpentine into capivi; and a hundred more costly preparations were
produc'd in an instant, from the cheapest and coursest drugs of the materia
medica: And when any common thing was order'd for a patient, he always took care
to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner, as that it could
not possibly be known. - For which purpose, cochineal and oil of cloves were of
great service among many nostrums which he possess'd; there was one for the
venereal disease, that brought him a good deal of money; and this he conceal'd
so artfully from me, that I could never learn its composition: But during the
eight months I stay'd in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use of it,
that three parts in four of those who took it, were fain to confirm the cure
with a salivation under the direction of another doctor. - This bad success, in
all appearance, attach'd him the more to his specifick; and before I left him, I
may venture to say, he would have sooner renounc'd the Trinity (notwithstanding
his being a good Huegonot) than his confidence in the never-failing power of
this remedy. - Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once, to introduce a
vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of it, and
decrying the use of flesh, both as a Physician and Philosopher; but all his
rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his
bosom declared against the proposal. - Whether it was owing to the little regard
she paid to her husband's admonition in this particular, or to the natural
warmth of her constitution, I know not; but this lady's passions became every
day more and more violent, till at last she look'd upon decency as an
unnecessary restraint; and one afternoon when her husband was abroad, and her
daughter visiting, order'd me to call a hackney coach, in which she and the
captain drove off towards Covent-Garden. - Miss came home in the evening, and
supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven a clock my master enter'd,
and ask'd if his wife was gone to sleep: Upon which I told him, my mistress went
out in the afternoon, and was not yet return'd. - This was like a clap of
thunder to the poor Apothecary, who starting back, cried »Mort de ma vie! vat
you tell a me? - My wife not, at home!« - At that instant a patient's servant
arrive'd with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the
shop to make it up himself. - While he rubb'd the ingredients in a glass mortar,
he enquire'd of me, whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard
that she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar
into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaim'd,
»Ah traitresse!« - It would have been impossible for me to have preserve'd my
gravity a minute longer, when I was happily reliev'd by a rap at the door, which
I open'd, and perceive'd my mistress coming out of a coach; she flounc'd
immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: »I suppose you
thought I was lost, my dear - Captain Odonnell has been so good as to treat me
with a play.« - »Play - play (replied he) Oho! yes by gar, I believe ver prettie
play.« - »Bless me! (she said) what's the matter?« - »Vat de matter? (cried he,
forgetting all his former complaisance) by gar, you be one damn dog's wife -
ventre bleu! me vill show you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu!
le capitaine Odonnell be one.« - Here the captain, who had been all the while at
the door discharging the coach, entering, said with a terrible voice, »D-mme!
what am I?« - Mr. Lavement changing his tone, immediately saluted him with, »Oh
serviteur monsieur le capitaine, vous etes un galant homme - ma femme est fort
obligée.« - Then turning about towards me, pronounc'd with a low voice, »Et
diablement obligeante sans doute.« - »Harkee, Mr. Lavement, (said the captain) I
am a man of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be offended
at the civility I show your wife.« - This declaration had such an effect on the
apothecary, that he resum'd all the politeness of a Frenchman; and with the
utmost prostration of compliment, assure'd the captain that he was perfectly
satisfied with the honour he had done his wife. - Matters being thus compos'd,
every body went to rest. - Next day I perceive'd thro' a glass door that open'd
from the shop into a parlour, the captain talking earnestly to miss, who heard
him with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn; which however he at
last found means to mollify, and seal'd his reconciliation with a kiss. - This
soon convince'd me of the occasion of the quarrel; but notwithstanding all my
vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between them. - In the mean
while, I had reason to believe I had inspir'd one of the maids with tender
sentiments for me; and one night when I thought every other person in the house
asleep, I took the opportunity of the other maid's absence (for she had got
leave to go and visit her sick father who liv'd at Richmond) to avail myself of
my conquest: Accordingly I got up, and (naked as I was) explor'd my way in the
dark, to the garret where she lay. - I was ravish'd to find the door open, and
moved softly to her bed-side, transported with the hope of compleating my
wishes. - But what horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I
found her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily guessed to be
no other than the captain's servant! I was upon the point of doing some rash
thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind the wainscoat, put me to
flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in safety. - Whether this alarm
had disorder'd my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, I know
not; but instead of turning to the left when I descended to the second story, I
persu'd the contrary course, and mistook the young lady's bed-chamber for my
own. I did not perceive my mistake before I had run against the bed posts; and
then it was not in my power to retreat undiscover'd: for the nymph being awake,
felt my approach, and with a soft voice, bid me make less noise lest the
Scotch-booby in the next room should over-hear us. This hint was sufficient to
inform me of the nature of the assignation; and as my passions, at any time
high, were then in a state of exaltation, I was resolved to profit by my good
fortune. - Without any more ceremony therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to
this charmer, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could desire. - Our
conversation was very sparing on my part, but she upbraided the person whom I
represented, with his jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my
resentment had well nigh occasion'd a discovery more than once; but I was
consoled for her hatred of me, by understanding from her own mouth, that it was
now high time to salve her reputation by matrimony; for she had reason to fear
she could not much longer conceal the effects of their mutual intercourse. -
While I was meditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room,
like something heavy falling down upon the floor: Upon which, I started up, and
creeping to the door of my chamber, observe'd by moon-light, the shadow of a man
groping his way out; whereupon, I retire'd to one side to let him pass, and saw
him go down stairs as expeditiously as he could. - It was an easy matter to
divine that this was the captain, who having overslept himself, had got up at
last to keep his assignation; and finding my door open, had enter'd into my
apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I supplied his place. - But
finding his mistake, by falling over my chair, was afraid the noise might alarm
the family, and for that reason made off, delaying the gratification of his
desire till another opportunity. - By this time, I was satisfied; and instead of
returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own castle, which I
fortified by bolting the door; and in the congratulation of my own happiness
fell asleep. - But the truth of this adventure could not be long conceal'd from
my young mistress, who next day came to an eclaircisement with the captain, upon
his lamenting his last night's disappointment, and begging pardon for the noise
he had made. - Their mutual chagrin, when they came to the knowledge of what had
happen'd, may be easily conjectur'd, though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by
the other; for she was conscious of having not only betray'd to me the secrets
of her commerce with him; but also, of having incensed me by the freedoms she
had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation. - On the other hand,
his jealousy suggested, that her sorrow was all artifice; and that I had
supplied his place with her own privity and consent. - That such was the
situation of their thoughts, will appear in the sequel - for that very day she
came into the shop where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, swimming in tears,
upon me, sigh'd most piteously: But I was proof against her distress, by
recollecting the epithets with which she had honour'd me the night before; and
believing that the good reception I enjoy'd was destin'd for another. I
therefore took no notice of her affliction; and she had the mortification to
find her disdain return'd four-fold. - However, from thenceforward she thought
proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, knowing that it was in my
power at any time to publish her shame. - By these means my life became much
more agreeable (though I never could prevail upon myself to repeat my nocturnal
visit) and as I every day improv'd in my knowledge of the town, I shook off my
awkward air by degrees, and acquir'd the character of a polite journeyman
apothecary.
 

                                   Chapter XX

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded - I suspect Odonnell, and am confirmed in
my opinion - I concert a scheme of revenge, and put it in execution - Odonnell
robs his own servant, and disappears - I make my addresses to a lady, and am
miraculously deliver'd from her snare
 
One night about twelve a clock, as I return'd from visiting a patient at
Chelsea, I receive'd a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretch'd me
senseless on the ground; and was left for dead, with three stabs of a sword in
my body. - The groans I utter'd when I recover'd the use of my reason, alarm'd
the people of a solitary ale-house, that stood near the spot where I lay, and
they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon who dressed my
wounds, and assure'd me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the
skin and muscles of one side of my belly, in such a manner, that (doubtless) the
assassin imagine'd he had run me through the entrails. - The second slanted along
one of my ribs, and the last, which was intended for the Coup de Grace, being
directed to my heart, the sword snapt upon my breast bone, and the point
remain'd sticking in the skin. - When I reflected upon this event, I could not
persuade myself, that I had been assaulted by a common footpad; because it is
not usual for such people to murder those they rob, especially when they meet
with no resistance; and I found my money and every thing else about me (but my
carcase) safe. I concluded therefore, that I must either have been mistaken for
another, or oblige'd to the private resentment of some secret enemy for what had
happened; and as I could remember nobody who had the least cause of complaint
against me, except captain Odonnell and my master's daughter, my suspicion
settled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner
arrive at confirmation. - With this view, I went home in a chair about ten a
clock in the morning; and as the chairmen supported me into the house, met the
captain in the passage; who no sooner saw me, than he started back, and gave
evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from the
surprise occasion'd by seeing me in such a condition. - My master having heard
my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my
wounds were not dangerous, order'd me to be carried up stairs to bed; though not
without some opposition from his wife, who was of opinion, it would be better
for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. - My
meditation was employ'd in concerting with myself some method of revenge against
'Squire Odonnell and his enamorata, whom I looked upon as the authors of my
misfortune; when miss (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber;
and saying, she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked me if I
suspected any body to be the assassin: Upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly
upon her, and answer'd, »Yes.« - She discover'd no symptom of confusion; but
replied hastily, »If that be the case, why don't you take out a warrant to have
him apprehended? - It will cost but a trifle - if you have no money, I'll lend
you.« - This frankness not only cur'd me of my suspicion with respect to her;
but even stagger'd my belief in regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolve'd
to have farther proofs, before I enterpriz'd any thing in the way of revenge. -
I thanked her kindly for her generous offer; which however I had no occasion to
accept, being determin'd to do nothing rashly: For though I could plainly
perceive the person who attacked me, to be a soldier whose face I thought was
familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to any particular man;
and granting I could, my prosecution of him would not much avail. - This I
pretended, lest the captain hearing from her, that I knew the person who wounded
me, might think proper to withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite
him. - In two days I was up, and able to do a little business, so that Mr.
Lavement made shift to carry on his practice, without hiring another journeyman
in my room. - The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my
secret enemy, was to get into Odonnell's apartment, while he was abroad in an
undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broke off, I applied
the fragment that was found sticking in my body; and found it answer'd the
fractur'd part exactly. - There was now no room left for doubt; and all that
remain'd, was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my
thoughts during the space of eight nights and days. - Sometimes I was tempted to
fall upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him
outright. - But this my honour oppos'd, as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in
which he was not to be imitated. - At other times, I entertain'd thoughts of
demanding satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this
undertaking, by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the
injury he had done me, which did not intitle him to such easy terms. - At last I
determin'd to pursue a middle course; and actually put my design in execution
after this manner. - Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his
acquaintance whom he could depend upon; we provided ourselves in disguises, and
I caused the following letter to be deliver'd to him by one of our associates in
livery, one Sunday evening.
 
        Sir,
            »If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be
        disagreeable to you, to hear that my husband is sent for to Bagshot to
        visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so that if
        you have any thing to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions
        has seemed to insinuate) you will d o well to embrace the present
        opportunity of seeing
Yours, etc.«
 
This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary's wife, who lived in
Chelsea, of whom I had heard Odonnell was an admirer. - Every thing succeeded to
our wish. - The amorous hero hastened towards the place of assignation; and was
encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. - We rushed upon
him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even to the skin,
which we scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot,
notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was
satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we
hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked, to find his way home in
the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. - I
afterwards understood that in his way to the lodgings of a friend, who lived in
the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the
Round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings; and next morning
arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his
body was so sore and swelled that he could not bear to be confined in his
wearing apparel. - He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and
her daughter, who vied one with the other in their care and attendance of him;
but Lavement himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious
grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent to anoint him with. - As to
myself, no body can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an opportunity
of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the sores and
ulcers I had been the cause of; and indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction
of having flead him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen. - The
story of his being attacked and stripped in such a place, having been inserted in
the news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day, whither to
bring them; and accordingly he retrieved every thing he had lost, except a few
letters, among which was that which I had wrote to him in the name of the
apothecary's wife. - This and the others, which (it seems) were all on the
subject of love, (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called
fortune-hunters) fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the
scandal she has published; who, after having embellished them with some
ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print. - I was very
much shocked on reflecting, that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole
family's unhappiness, on account of the letter I had written; but was eased of
that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a
law-suit against the printer for defamation; and looked upon the whole as a
piece of forgery, committed by the author, who had disappeared. - But whatever
might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain a
different idea of it; for, as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive
their care of their patient considerably diminish, until at last it ended in
total neglect. - It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any
more than of the occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having
deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply,
and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the apothecary,
who (as he imagined) having got an inkling of the appointment with his wife, had
taken revenge of him in the manner described. - By that time he had got a new
scarf skin, his character was become so notorious, that he thought it high time
for him to decamp; which he performed one night without beat of drum, after
having robbed his own servant of every thing that belonged to him except the
clothes he had on his back. - A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for
his own security, took into custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as
it was very heavy, made no question of the contents being sufficient to
indemnify him for what Odonnel owed in lodging. - But a month being elapsed
without hearing any tidings of this adventurer; and my master being impatient to
know what the trunk contained; he ordered me to break it open in his presence,
which I performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his
inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.
    About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad
with a gentleman in quality of valet de chamber, and at the same time assured
me, that whatever advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he
could not bear the thoughts of parting from me; so much was he attached to my
fortune. - In spite of all the obligations I owed this poor honest fellow,
ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his
acquaintance; and now, that I had contracted other friendships which appeared
more creditable, I was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber enquiring after
me with the familiarity of a companion. - I therefore, on pretence of consulting
his welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last
determined to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days took his leave
of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. - I
now began to look upon myself as a gentleman in reality; learned to dance of a
Frenchman whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper; frequented plays during
the holidays; became the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was
referred to my decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young
lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed,
after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage. - As
this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good fortune,
and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes, by matrimony; when one
morning, I went to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, took the privilege
of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, where to my utter confusion I found her in
bed with a man. - Heaven gave me patience and presence of mind enough to
withdraw immediately; and I thanked my stars a thousand times for a happy
discovery, by which I resolved to profit so much, as to abandon all thoughts of
marriage for the future.
 

                                  Chapter XXI

Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master -- is involved in a troublesome
affair, out of which he is extricated by me -- he marries my master's daughter
-- they conspire against me -- I am found guilty of theft -- discharged -
deserted by my friends -- I hire a room in St. Giles's - where, by accident, I
find the lady to whom I made my addresses, in a miserable condition -- I relieve
her
 
While I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his
first floor to my countryman and acquaintance 'Squire Gawky, who by this time
had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his
appearance, that I was afraid he would remember what had happened between us in
Scotland, and atone for his breach of appointment then, by his punctuality now;
but whether he had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he
betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained
quite cured of my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to be
convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at bottom the
same individual Gawky whom I have already described. - For coming home late one
night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and as I
approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen. The prisoners,
who seemed to be miserably disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss
of their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I knew to be a
Scotchman, lamented most piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the
watchman refused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously,
and that he must stand to the consequence. - My prejudice in favour of my native
country was so strong, that I could not bear to see any body belonging to it in
distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the
watchman who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned. - He no
sooner found himself disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left
me to maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and indeed I came off but
scurvily, for before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the
eye, from one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of
that organ; however, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of captain
Gawky's being robb'd and abused by a company of foot-pads; and was ordered by my
master to prepare emollient glyster and paregorick draught, in order to allay
and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he
had undergone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately. - When
I enquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood by the
servant, that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no scruple
of believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in that
belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before that event) I had been so long a
stranger. My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect
upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare
the truth of the whole story, in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch,
for whom I had suffered: Accordingly, next day, after he had told, in presence
of my master, his wife and daughter, who came to visit him, a thousand lies
concerning the prowess he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain
the mystery, and calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with
cowardice and ingratitude. - Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, that he
could not answer one word; and the rest of the company stared at one another;
till at length my mistress repremanded me for my insolent behaviour, and
threatened to turn me away for my presumption. - Upon which, Gawky (having
recollected himself) observed, as the young man might have mistaken another
person for him, he could forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed
to have suffered for his civility; but advised me to be more certain in my
conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the prejudice
of any man. - Miss applauded the captain's generosity in pardoning one who had
so villainously aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all
disinterested. - But the apothecary, who perhaps had more penetration, or less
partiality than his wife and daughter, differed from them in his sentiments of
the matter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: »Ah mon
pauvre Roderique! you ave more of de veracité dan of de prudence - bot mine vife
and dater be diablement sage, and Mons. le capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu!« -
This elogium on his wife and daughter, though meant ironically by him, was
nevertheless literally just; for by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one
obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture, when
one was absolutely necessary; for the young lady finding the effects of her
correspondence with Odonnel becoming plainer and plainer every day, insinuated
herself so artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less than a
fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, they drove away together to the
Fleet, where they were coupled; from thence removed to a bagnio, where the
marriage was consummated; and in the morning came home, where they asked her
father's and mother's blessing. - The prudent parents, notwithstanding the
precipitation with which it was carried on, did not think fit to refuse their
approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married
to a young man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned to him one syllable on
the article of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival in
her gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures. - Nor was I without selfenjoyment at
this event, when I reflected upon the revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my
enemy, in making him a cuckold by anticipation. - But I little dreamed what a
storm of mischief was brewing against me, whilst I thus indulged myself. -
Whatever face Gawkey put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before
related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and
cherished the seeds of emnity so strongly in his breast, that he (it seems)
imparted his indignation to his wife, who being as desirous as he to compass the
ruin of one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to
discover particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily joined in
a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as they expected) would
infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.
    My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines of which
I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain terms taxed me
with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could only oppose my single
asseveration to this suspicion, he told me one day, »By gar, your vord not be
give me de satisfaction - me find necessaire to chercher for my medicine,
pardonnez moy - il faut chercher - me demand le clef of your coffre a cette
heure.« - Then raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in, lest I should
make any opposition, he went on, »Oui, foutre, I charge you rendrer le clef of
your coffre - moi - si, moi qui vous parle.« - I was fired with so much
resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into tears, which he
took for a sign of guilt; and pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy
himself immediately, though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for the
injury my reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion. - He took the key
and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family; saying, »He bien,
nous verrons - nous verrons.« - But what was my horror and amazement, when
opening my chest, I saw them pull out an handful of the very things that were
missing, and heard him pronounce, »Ah ha! vous etes bien venues - mardie, Mons.
Roderique, you be fort innocent!« - I had not power to utter one word in my own
vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while every body present made
their respective remarks on what appeared against me. - The servants said, they
were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeating, »Who would have thought
it!« My mistress took occasion from this to rail against the practice of
employing strangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she
never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the
justice and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the
stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement, knowing the cost and
trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the same time
dreading lest some particulars of my confession might affect his practice,
called out, »Restez mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand crime wich
dis pauvre diable have committed - bot peutetre de good God give him de
penitence, and me vil not have upon mine head de blood of one sinner.« - The
captain and his lady used all the christian arguments their zeal could suggest,
to prevail on the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and represented the
injustice he did to the community of which he was a member, in letting a villain
escape, who would not fail of doing more mischief in the world, when he should
reflect on his coming off so easily now; - but their eloquence made no
impression on my master, who turning to me, said, »Go, miserable, go from mine
house, quick, quick - and make reparation for your mauvaise actions.« - By this
time my indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto
remained, and I began in this manner: »Sir, appearances, I own, condemn me; but
you are imposed upon as much as I am abused - I have fallen a sacrifice to the
rancour of that scoundrel (pointing to Gawky) who has found means to convey your
goods hither, that the detection of them might blast my reputation, and
accomplish my destruction. - His hatred of me is owing to a consciousness of
having wronged me in my own country; for which he in a cowardly manner refused
me the satisfaction of a gentleman; - he knows moreover, that I am no stranger
to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted before; - and he
is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusilanimity should
live upon the earth; for this reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to
bring about my ruin. - And I am afraid, madam, (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have
too easily entered into the sentiments of your husband - I have often found you
my enemy; and am well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I
don't at present think proper to declare; - but I would not advise you, for your
own sake, to drive me to extremity.« This address enraged her so much, that with
a face as red as scarlet, and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me, and
putting her hands in her sides, spit in my face, saying, I was a scandalous
villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her papa would prosecute me
like a thief as I was, she would not stay another night under his roof. - At the
same time, Gawky assuming a big look, told me, he scorned what lies I could
invent against him; but that if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me
to death, by G-d. - To this I answered, »I wish to God I could meet with thee in
a desert, that I might have an opportunity of revenging thy perfidy towards me,
and rid the world of such a rascal - What hinders me this moment (said I,
seizing an old bottle that stood by) from doing myself that justice?« I had no
sooner armed myself in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in
such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and rolled together down
stairs; while my mistress swooned away with fear; and her daughter asked if I
intended to murder her. - I gave her to understand that nothing was farther from
my intention; that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience; but
was firmly resolved to slit her husband's nose, whenever fortune should offer a
convenient opportunity. - Then going down stairs, I met Lavement coming up
trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his sword
pushing him forward. - I demanded a parley, and having assured them of my
pacific disposition; Gawky exclaimed, »Ah! villain! you have killed my dear
wife.« - And the apothecary cried, »Ah! coquin! vere is my child?« - »The lady
(said I) is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will a few months hence (I believe)
reward your concern.« - Here she called to them herself, and desired they would
let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no farther about him. - To which her
father consented, observing nevertheless, that my conversation was fort
mystérieux. - Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house
immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing myself
to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but to my
inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the country, where he would stay
two or three days. - I returned with a design of consulting some acquaintance I
had acquired in my master's neighbourhood; but my story had taken air, through
the officiousness of the servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me
a hearing. - Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more
deplorable condition than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my
reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now; - but at
present my good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body
infected by a distemper contracted in the course of an amour; and my faithful
Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where.
    The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was to
remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had formerly lodge'd;
there I remained two days, in hopes of getting another place, by the interest of
Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my
character; - but in this I reckoned without my host, for Lavement took care to
be beforehand with me, and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the
schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce hear
me to an end; but when I had finished my justification, shook his head, and
beginning with his usual exclamation, »O Ch-st! said, that won't go down with
me. - I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the
affair, but however shall be more cautious for the future - I will trust no man
from henceforward - no, not my father who begat me - nor the brother who lay
with me in my mother's womb - should the genius of truth appear I would question
its veracity; and if Daniel would rise from the dead I should think him an
impostor.« - I told him, that one day, it was possible, he might be convinced of
the injury I had suffered, and repent of his premature determination. - To which
he answered the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with joy;
»but till that shall happen (continued he) I must beg to have no manner of
connection with you - my reputation is at stake - O my good God! I shall be
looked upon as your accomplice and abettor - people will say Jonathan Wild was
but a type of me - boys will hoot at me as I pass along; and the cinder wenches
belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin - I shall be
notorious - the very butt of slander, and cloaca of infamy.« - I was not in an
humour to relish the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued
himself in all his discourses; but without any ceremony took my leave, cursed
with every sentiment of horror, which my situation could suggest. - I
considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence, that I must in some
shape suit my expense to my calamitous circumstances, and with that view hired
an apartment in a garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine pence per week. -
In this place I resolved to perform my own cure, having first pawned three
shirts to purchase medicines and support for the occasion.
    One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing upon the unhappiness of
my fate, I was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine,
into which I immediately run, and found a woman stretched on a miserable truckle
bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her
nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good
heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same
individual lady, who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost
been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my breast with
compassion, and every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into her
embrace; she knew me immediately, and straining me gently in her arms, shed a
torrent of tears, which I could not help increasing: At length, casting a
languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble voice, »Dear Mr. Random, I
do not deserve this concern at your hands -- I am a vile creature, who had a
base design upon your person -- suffer me to expiate that and all my other
crimes by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.«
- I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all the injury she had
designed for me; and that although my circumstances were extremely low, I would
share my last farthing with her. - In the mean time, begged to know the
immediate cause of that fit from which she had just recovered, and I would
endeavour by my skill to prevent any more such attacks. - She seemed very much
affected with what I said, took my hand and pressed it to her lips, saying, »You
are too generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude - but alas! I
perish for want.« - Then shutting her eyes, relapsed into another swoon. - Such
extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and
compassion: What effect then must it have on mine, that was naturally prone to
every tender passion? I ran down stairs and sent my landlady to a chymist's shop
for some cinnamon-water, while I returning to this unfortunate creature's
chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself, which with much
difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to recruit
her spirits; then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which having
taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she had not
tasted food for eight and forty hours before. - As I was impatient to know the
occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand that she was a
woman of the town by profession - that in the course of her adventures, she
found herself dangerously infected with a distemper to which all of her class
are particularly subject; - that her malady gaining ground every day, she was
become loathsome to herself as well as to every one else, when she resolved to
retire to some obscure corner, where she might be cured with as little noise and
expense as possible; - that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat,
and put herself into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her
of all the money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worse
condition than that in which he found her; - that except the clothes on her
back, she had pawned or sold every thing that belonged to her, to satisfy that
rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in
her threats to turn her out into the street. - After having moralized upon these
particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room with me, which
would save some money; and assured her I would myself undertake her cure as well
as my own, during which she should partake of all the conveniences I could
afford to myself. - She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgement, and I
began to put it in practice immediately. - I found to my great satisfaction, in
her, not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation greatly alleviated my
chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and
affection. One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty,
good sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each) could be reduced
to such an infamous and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute; she
answered with a sigh, »These very advantages were the cause of my undoing.« -
This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she
would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied in these
words.
 

                                  Chapter XXII

                          The history of Miss Williams
 
My father was an eminent merchant in the city, who having, in the course of
trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age with his wife
to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his
fortune. - At that time I being but eight years of age, was left in town for the
convenience of education; boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid Presbyterian,
and who confined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion, that
in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees conceived an aversion for
the good books she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and
appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of
acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented the restraint
I was under from the narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me, I must now
throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example, and
learn to think for myself; - for which purpose she advised me to read
Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbs, and all the books that are remarkable for their
deviation from the old way of thinking, and by comparing one with another, I
would soon be able to form a system of my own. - I followed her advice, and
whether it was owing to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or
the clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not, but I studied
them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed Freethinker. Proud of
my new improvement, I argued in all companies, and that with such success, that
I soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake
me in a dispute. - I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to
make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift,
than taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and
conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me immediately from
the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful principles: Accordingly,
my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of
my age, and by his command, gave him a detail of all the articles of my faith,
which he did not find so unreasonable as they had been represented. - Finding
myself suddenly deprived of the company and pleasures of the town, I grew
melancholy, and it was some time before I could relish my situation. - But
solitude became every day more and more familiar to me, and I consoled myself in
my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were not
employed in the management of the family, (for my mother had been dead three
years) in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion. - Having more
imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to poetry and romance; and
in short was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by every body in the
country where I resided. - I had one evening strayed with a book in my hand,
into a wood that bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my
father's house; when a certain drunken 'squire, riding by, perceived me, and
crying, »Z-ds! there's a charming creature!« alighted in a moment, caught me in
his arms, and treated me so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I could, and in
the mean time opposed his violence with all the strength that rage and
resentment could inspire. - During this struggle, another horseman came up, who
seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted and flew to my assistance. - My
ravisher, mad with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other
gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, drew a pistol from the saddle
and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and with
the butt end of his whip, laid him prostrate on the ground, before he could use
the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and clapping to the
'squire's breast, threatened to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery:
Upon this I interposed and begged his life, which was granted to my request,
after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss. -
However, my defender thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away
the flints, before he gave him his liberty. - This courteous stranger conducted
me home, where my father having learned the signal service he had done me,
loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our house. -
If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me with sentiments of
gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to intitle him to somewhat
more. - He was about the age of two and twenty, among the tallest of the
middle-size; had chestnut coloured hair which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a
high polished fore-head, a nose inclining to the aqualine, lively blue eyes, red
pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness of countenance, -
but what need I describe any more particulars of his person? I hope you will do
me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact
resemblance of you; and if I had not been well acquainted with his family and
pedigree, I should have made no scruple of concluding him your brother. - He
spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve, for what he said was ingenuous,
sensible, and uncommon. - In short (said she, bursting into tears) he was formed
for the ruin of our sex. - His behaviour was modest and respectful, but his
looks were so significant that I could easily observe, he secretly blessed the
occasion that introduced him to my acquaintance. - We learned from his discourse
that he was eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose
name we were no strangers; that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the
country, from whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought him to
my rescue. - All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous
expectations: There was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to
the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became enamoured,
that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I looked upon
myself as a princess in some region of romance, who being delivered from the
power of a brutal giant or satyr by a generous Oroondates, was bound in
gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him
without reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by
reflections more reasonable and severe: The amusing images took full possession
of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the
language of a despairing lover. - Next morning after breakfast he took his
leave, when my father begged the favour of a further acquaintance with him; to
which he replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence
and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression. - In a short
time he repeated his visit; and as a recital of the particular steps he pursued
to ruin me, would be too tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made
it his business to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own
good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding: This he performed
in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through
misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myself, the more
to my own honour. - Having thus secured my good opinion, he began to give me
some tokens of a particular passion founded on a veneration for the qualities of
my mind, and as an accidental ornament, admir'd the beauties of my person; till
at length, being fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season for
the theme, and disclos'd his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was
impossible for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he received my
approbation with the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we
contrived to meet more frequently, which we did in private interviews, where we
enjoy'd the conversation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy and
impatience of hope, that reciprocal adoration can inspire. - He professed his
honourable intentions, of which I made no question, lamented the avaritious
disposition of his father, who had destin'd him for the arms of another, and
vowed eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and devotion, that I
became a dupe to his deceit, and in an evil hour crowned his eager desire with
full possession. - Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and
peace, for a momentary gratification which has entailed upon me such misery and
horror! cursed be my beauty that first attracted the attention of the seducer!
cursed be my education, that by refining my sentiments, made my heart the more
susceptible! cursed be my good sense that fixed me to one object, and taught me
the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, no body would have
tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would not have atoned
for the coarseness of my conversation; had I been giddy, my vanity would have
divided my inclinations, and my ideas would have been so diffused, that I should
never have listened to the enchantments of one alone.
    But to return to my unfortunate story; we gave a loose to guilty pleasure,
which for some months banished every other concern. - But by degrees, his visits
became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I perceived his coldness, my
heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I insisted upon the
performance of his promise to espouse me, that whatever should happen, my
reputation might be safe: He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on
pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. -
But alas! the Inconstant had no intention to return: I waited a whole week with
the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing
excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring the least suspicion of his
faith. - At length, I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house, that
this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London with his
bride, to buy clothes for their approaching nuptials. - This information
distracted me! the more so, as I found myself some months gone with child, and
reflected, that it would be impossible to conceal my disgrace, which would not
only ruin the character I had acquired in the country, but also bring the grey
hairs of an indulgent parent with sorrow to the grave. Rage took possession of
my soul; I denounced a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of
revenge against the traitor who had undone me! then my resentment would subside
to silent sorrow: I recalled the tranquillity I had lost, I wept over my
infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a moment cheer
my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable circumstances of his
character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a
suspicious father, who compelled him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort
myself with the expectation of seeing him before the thing should be brought to
any terms of agreement. - But how vain was my imagination? The villain left me
without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage spread all over the
country. - My horror was then inconceivable! and had not the desire of revenge
diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put an end to my miserable
life. - My father observed the symptoms of my despair; and though I have good
reason to believe, he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem
ignorant of my affliction, while he endeavoured with paternal fondness to
alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my anguish, and raised
my fury against the author of my calamity, to an implacable degree. Having
furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from this unhappy
parent in the night-time, and about break of day, arrived at a small town from
whence a stage-coach set out for London, in which I embarked, and next day
alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against
every other reflection. - My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I kept
myself very retired, having assumed a feigned name, that my character and
situation might be the better concealed. - It was not long before I found out
the house of my ravisher, whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage,
determined to act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though
the hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a
particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him) I
was desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling the
porter I had business for his master's private ear: Upon which I was conducted
into a parlour until he should be informed of my request. - There I remained
about a quarter of an hour, when a servant entered and told me his master was
engaged with company, and begged to be excused at that time. - My temper could
hold out no longer: I pulled a poignard from my bosom where I had concealed it,
and rushing out, flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, »Where is this
perfidious villain! could I once plunge this dagger into his false heart, I
would then die satisfied.« - The noise I made alarmed not only the servants, but
the company also, who hearing my threats, came forwards to the stair-case to see
what was the matter. By this time I was seized, disarmed, and with-held by two
footmen; in this situation I felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my
undoer approach with his young wife; I could not endure the sight, was deprived
of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how I was
treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a
paltry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand
impertinent questions relating to my condition; and informed me that my
behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I
was mad, and pretended to have me sent to Bedlam, but my lady persuaded herself
there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and had taken to her
bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I should be narrowly looked to.
- I heard all she said without making any other reply, than desiring she would
do me the favour to call a chair; but this (she told me) could not be done
without her master's consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was
conveyed to my own lodging in a state of mind that baffles all description. The
agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I
believe it is well for my conscience that heaven thus disposed of my burden; for
let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a living child
into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the little
innocent to my resentment of the wrongs done me by the father.
    After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and
calm; when one day, my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman below who
desired to see me, having something of consequence to impart, which he was sure
would contribute to my peace of mind. - I was exceedingly alarmed at this
declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came
to any determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding upon me
against my knowledge or consent. - I surveyed him some time, but could not
remember to have seen him before; then with a faltering accent, demanded what
was his business with me? - Upon which, he desired I would give him a particular
audience, and he did not doubt of communicating something that would conduce to
my satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any
violence, I granted his request, and bid the woman withdraw. - The stranger then
advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with the
particulars of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario's own mouth
- that from the time he knew my misfortunes, he had entertained a detestation
for the author of them; which had of late been increased and inflamed to a
desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him - that
hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of offering
his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel and forthwith
take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration,
which (he hoped) I should see no reason to refuse. - Had all the artifice of
hell been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not have had a more
instantaneous or favourable effect than this discourse had upon me. - I was
transported with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my companion in my arms, and
vowed that if he would make good his promise, my soul and body should be at his
disposal. - The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge, undertook
to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an account of his death
before morning. - Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was introduced to my
chamber, and assured me my perfidious lover was no more; that although he was
not entitled to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to
the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom (he
told him) his sword was drawn, and after a few passes, left him weltering in his
blood. - I was so savaged by my wrongs, that I delighted in the recital of this
adventure, made him repeat the particulars, feasted my eyes with the blood that
remained on his clothes and sword, and yielded up my body as a recompense for
the service he had done me. My imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that
in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, mangled and bloody,
blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his own cause so
pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror
and remorse. - My bed-fellow endeavoured to sooth, console, and persuade me that
I had but barely done justice to myself. - I dropped asleep again, and the same
apparition recurred to my fancy. - In short, I passed the night in great misery,
and looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving
my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario's recovery;
it was true, he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead; and perhaps
his hurts might not be mortal. - At these words I started up, bid him fly for
intelligence, and if he could not bring me tidings of Lothario's safety, at
least consult his own and never return, for I was resolved to surrender myself
to justice, and declare all that I knew of the affair, that, if possible, I
might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and
ignominious death. - He very cooly represented the unreasonableness of my
prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me inspired,
and honour justified; - that now he had at the risk of his life, been
subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous agent
occasionally necessary: and that even if he should be so lucky as to bring news
of Lothario's safety, it was probable my former resentment might revive, and I
would upbraid him with having failed in his undertaking. - I assured him that,
on the contrary, he would be dearer to me than ever, as I should be convinced he
acted more on the principles of a man of honour, than on those of a mercenary
assassin, and scorned to take away the life of an adversary (how inveterate
soever) which fortune had put in his power. - »Well then, madam, (said he)
whatever may have happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to satisfy you
in that.« - And took his leave, in order to enquire into the consequences of his
duel. - I was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery;
all the affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and
weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venal crimes; but now that I
looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my
imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased, and my
bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. - At length,
Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned, and telling me I had nothing
to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.
 
        Madam,
            »As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this
        liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from Horatio are not
        mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not deny even to a person
        who has endeavoured to disturb the repose, as well destroy the life of
                                                                      Lothario.«
 
Being well acquainted with his hand, I had no reason to suspect an imposition in
this letter, which I read over and over with a transport of joy, and caressed
Horatio so much, that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from
despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me. -
Griefs are like usurpers, the most powerful deposes all the rest - But my
raptures were not lasting - that very letter which in a manner reestablished my
tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. - His unjust reproaches, while
they waked my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with
rage and sorrow. - Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to
divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments of
the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could desire; introduced into
the company of other kept-mistresses, by whom an uncommon deference was paid me;
and I began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident
brought it back to my view with all its interesting circumstances. - Diverting
myself one day with some news papers, which I had not before perused, the
following advertisement attracted my attention.
 
        »Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's house, in the
        county of --, about the end of September, on account (as is supposed) of
        some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of; whoever will
        give an information about her, to Mr. -- of Gray's-Inn, shall be
        handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her
        disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness,
        whatever reasons she may have to think otherwise, and may be the means
        of prolonging the life of a father, already weighed down almost to the
        grave with age and sorrow.«
 
This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully resolved
to return like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who gave me
life; but alas! upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to nature a month
before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a
stranger as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. -
Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sunk into the most profound
melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause of his death. - I lost
all relish for company, and indeed most of my acquaintances no sooner perceived
my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my
insensibility, or (which is more probable) cloyed with possession, became colder
and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without making any
apology for his conduct; or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man
of honour ought to have done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I
afterwards learned that the quarrel between Lothario and him, was a story
trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give the other the enjoyment
of my person, which, it seems, he lusted after, upon seeing me at the house of
my seducer. - Reduced to this extremity, I cursed my own simplicity, uttered
horrid imprecations against the treachery of Horatio; and as I became every day
more and more familiarized to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on
the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon themselves. - Nor was an
opportunity long wanting: An old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathizing,
visited me, and after having condoled with me on my misfortunes, and professed a
disinterested friendship, began to display the art of her occupation, in
encomiums on my beauty, and invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me;
insinuating withal that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my
fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me. -
I soon understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to explain herself,
that we came to an agreement immediately to divide the profits of my
prostitution, accruing from such gallants as she should introduce to my
acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation, was practised upon a certain
J-ge, to whom I was recommended by this matron, as an innocent creature just
arrived from the country; he was so transported with my appearance and feigned
simplicity, that he paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for one
night only, during which I behaved in such a manner, as to make him perfectly
well-pleased with his purchase.
 

                                 Chapter XXIII

She is interrupted by a bailif, who arrests, and carries her to the Marshalsea
-- I accompany her -- bring witnesses to prove she is not the same person named
in the writ -- the bailif is fain to give her a present, and discharge her -- we
shift our lodging -- she resumes her story and ends it -- my reflections
thereupon -- she makes me acquainted with the progress of a common woman of the
town - resolves to quit that way of life
 
Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner opened,
than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted my fellow
lodger thus: - »Madam, your servant - you must do me the favour to come along
with me - I have got a writ against you.« - While the bailif (for so he was)
spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very
roughly. - This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker, and
would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the
strength and number of her adversaries, had not she begged me with a composure
of countenance, for which I could not account, to use no violence in her behalf,
which could be of no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself. -
Then turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see the
warrant, and having perused it, said with a faltering voice, »I am not the
person whose name is here mentioned; arrest me at your peril.« - »Ay, ay, Madam,
(replied the catch-pole) we shall prove your identity. - In the mean time,
whether will you be pleased to be carried to my house or to Jail?« - »If I must
be confined (said she) I would rather have your house for a prison than a common
Jail.« - »Well, well, (answered he) if you have money enough in your pocket, you
shall be entertained like a princess.« - But when she acquainted him with her
poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call
a coach to carry her to the Marshalsea at once. - While this was a doing she
took me aside, and bid me be under no concern on her account, for she knew how
to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something
by the occasion. - Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well
pleased with her assurance, and when the coach came to the door, offered to
accompany her to prison, to which, after much entreaty, she consented. - When we
arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and having
demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no sooner perceived
the name of Elizabeth Cary, than he cried, »Ah ha! my old acquaintance Bett! I'm
glad to see thee with all my heart.« - So saying he opened the coach door, and
helped her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he started back, saying,
»Z-ds! who have we got here?« - The bailif, alarmed at this interrogation, cried
with some emotion, »Who the devil should it be, but the prisoner Elizabeth
Cary?« The turnkey replied, »That Elizabeth Cary! - I'll be damned if that's
Elizabeth Cary, more than my grandmother. - D-n my blood, I know Bett Cary as
well as if I had made her.« - Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell
the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might have saved
himself and her a great deal of trouble. - »It may be so (answered he) but by
G-d, I'll have further evidence that you are not the person before you and I
part.« - »Yes, yes, (said she) you shall have further evidence to your cost.« -
Upon this we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my
companion wrote a direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of
me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately: I found
them together at a house in Bridges's street, Drury-lane, and as they were
luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without hesitation,
after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with
hopes of seeing a bailif trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural between
the whores and bailifs, as that subsisting between mice and cats. - Accordingly,
when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very affectionately by
the name of Nancy Williams; and asked how long she had been nabb'd, and for
what? - On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they offered to
swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person mentioned in the
writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailif, who by this time was
convinced of his mistake, told them he would not put them to that trouble. -
»Ladies (said he) there's no harm done - you shall give me leave to treat you
with another bottle, and then we'll part friends.« - This proposal was not at
all relished by the sisterhood; and miss Williams told him: Sure he did not
imagine her such a fool as to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine. -
Here the turnkey interrupted her, by affirming with an oath, that the wine was
as good as ever was tipped over tongue. - »Well (continued she) that may be -
but was it the best of champaign, it is no recompense for the damage I have
suffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail - At
this rate no innocent person is safe, since any officer of justice, out of
malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with
impunity - but, thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not
suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure
redress.« - Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailif's name) finding he had to deal
with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed,
and leaning his fore-head on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself,
which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses
against the old b-ch our landlady (as he called her) for having misinformed him.
- After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to the decision of
the turnkey, who calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailif in all the
liquor that had been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of
the plaintif. - The money was immediately deposited; miss Williams gratified the
two evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket drove home with
me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for
having so cheaply got clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the
sum, and his place to boot. - This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us,
who were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts and almost all my clothes,
except those on my back, being either pawned or sold for our maintenance before
this happened. - As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first care
was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with
an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible until our cure should be
completed. - When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to
finish the story of her Life, which she pursued in this manner:

The success of our experiment on the J-ge, encouraged us to practice the same
deceit on others, and my virginity was five times sold to good purpose; but this
harvest lasted not long, my character taking air, and my directress deserting me
for some new game. Whereupon I took lodgings near Charing cross, at two guineas
per week, and began to entertain company in a public manner: - But my income
being too small to defray my expense, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into
articles with the porters of certain taverns, who undertook to find employment
enough for me, provided I would share my profits with them. - Accordingly, I was
almost every night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every
mortification, danger and abuse that flow from drunkenness, brutality and
disease. - How miserable is the condition of a courtezan, whose business it is
to sooth, suffer, and obey the dictates of rage, insolence and lust! - As my
spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper calculated for
the conversation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an
aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on
my countenance, and disgusted these sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was
frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with disgrace. -
The messengers seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors and employers, seldom
troubled me with a call, and I began to find myself almost totally neglected. To
contribute towards my support, I was fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets,
with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening musing by myself, on the
misery before me, when I received a message from a bagnio, whither I repaired in
a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I
supped tête à tête, in a sumptuous manner, and after drinking a hearty glass of
champaign, went to bed. - In the morning when I awoke I found my gallant had got
up, and drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the room; this gave
me some uneasiness, but as he might have retired on some necessary occasion, I
waited a full hour for his return; and then in the greatest perplexity got up,
and rung the bell. - When the waiter came to the door, he found it locked, and
desired admittance, which I granted, after observing with great surprise that
the key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. - I no sooner enquired
for the captain, than the fellow staring with a distracted look, cried, »How,
madam! is he not a-bed?« And when he was satisfied as to that, run into a closet
adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open. - Through this the
adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down into a court and
escaped; leaving me to be answerable, not only for the reckoning, but also for a
large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried off with him. - It is
impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself detained
as a thief's accomplice (for I was looked upon in that light) and carried before
a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me after a
short examination to Bridewell, having advised me, as the only means to save my
life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. - I now concluded, the
vengeance of heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by
an ignominious death. - This reflection sunk so deep into my soul, that I was
for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself in hell,
tormented by fiends: Indeed, there needs not a very extravagant imagination to
form that conjecture; for of all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell
approaches nearest the idea I had always entertained of the infernal regions. -
Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and impiety; and heard nothing but groans,
curses and blasphemy. - In the midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to
the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly
perform, and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity.
I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it, during which miserable
intervals, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of every thing about me, even to
my cape, shoes and stockings: I was not only destitute of necessaries, but even
of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom
I imparted my situation, would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence
of my being committed for theft; and my landlord refused to part with some of my
own clothes which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a week's
lodging. - Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an
end to my grievances and life together; for this purpose I got up in the middle
of the night, when I thought every body round me asleep, and fixing one end of
my handkerchief to a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on
which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair and making a noose on the other
end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself, but before I could
adjust the knot, I was surprised and prevented by two women who had been awake
all the while, and suspected my design. - In the morning my attempt was
published among the prisoners, and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of
which cooperating with my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses
and threw me into an ecstasy of madness, wherein I tore the flesh from my bones
with my teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement. - So that they were
obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to
myself and others. - This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the end of
which I grew calm and sullen; but as the desire of making away with myself still
remained, I came to a determination of starving myself to death, and with that
view refused all sustenance. Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or
to the weakness of nature, I know not, but on the second day of my fast, I found
my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost
insupportable. - At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the
prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio;
she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her
gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and
set up a coffee-house among the hundreds of Drury, where she entertained
gentlemen with claret, arrack and the choice of half a dozen damsels, who lived
in her house. This serviceable matron, having neglected to gratify a certain
j-ce for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in
consequence of which her bevy was dispersed and herself committed to Bridewell.
- She had not been long there, before she learned my disaster, and coming up to
me, after a compliment of condolance, enquired into the particulars of my fate:
While we were engaged in discourse together, the master coming up, told me that
the fellow on whose account I had suffered was taken, that he had confessed the
theft, and cleared me of any concern in the affair; for which reason he, the
master, had orders to discharge me, and that I was from that moment free. This
piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an instantaneous
effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then present) hoping to
find her account in me, very generously offered to furnish me with what
necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house, as soon as she could
compromise matters with the j-ces. - The conditions of her offer, were, that I
should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration
besides for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with,
to be deducted from the first profits of my embraces. - These were hard terms;
but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the
wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. - I therefore embraced her
proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach.
As I was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my admirers by my
reserved and haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition,
and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in
the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of a good
voice and education over most of my rivals, I exerted my talents to the
uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all company. - This success
alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts
of being eclipsed: She therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered about
among her customers that I was unsound. - There needed no more to ruin my
reputation and blast my prosperity; every body shunned me with marks of aversion
and disdain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of
gallants was attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who
having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ
against me, and I was arrested in her own house. - Though the room was crowded
with people, when the bailif entered, not one of them had compassion enough to
attempt to molify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at
my tears, and one of them bid me be of good cheer, for I should not want
admirers in Newgate. At that instant a sea lieutenant came in, and seeing my
plight, began to enquire into the circumstances of my misfortune, when this wit
advised him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire-ship. - »A fire-ship! (replied
the sailor) more like a poor galley in distress that has been boarded by such a
fire-ship as you; if so be that be the case, she stands in more need of
assistance. - Harkee, my girl, how far have you over-run the constable?« - I
told him that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expense of the
writ. - »An that be all (said he) you shan't go to the bilboes this bout.« - And
taking out his purse, paid the money, discharged the bailif, and telling me, I
had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour,
where I could be safely hove down, for which purpose he made me a present of
five guineas more. - I was so touched with this singular piece of generosity,
that for some time I had not power to thank him. - However, as soon as I had
recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern,
where I explained the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood
of what was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment
attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together, until he was
obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.
    Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his bounty, I
saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be very
uneasy at the prospect of bailifs and jails; - when one of the sisterhood, a
little stale, advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was
unknown, and pass for an heiress, which might entrap some body to be my husband,
who would possibly be able to allow me an handsome maintenance, or at worst
screen me from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever
debts I should contract. - I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of
which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in
quality of my maid; with the proviso, that she should be reimbursed and
handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. - She was immediately
detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel
apartment in Park-street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and
my own. - I made my first appearance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with silver;
and my maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day or two, my fame was spread
all over the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived
from the country. - This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me;
but I soon found them out to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who
crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. -
I maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes of
gaining some admirer more for my purpose; and at length, I attracted the regard
of one who would have satisfied my wishes, and managed matters so well, that a
day was actually fixed for our nuptials: In the interim, he begged leave to
introduce an intimate friend to me, which request as I could not refuse, I had
the extreme mortification and surprise, to see next night, in that friend, my
old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour; but had
presence of mind enough to advance and salute me, bidding me (with a low voice)
be under no apprehension, for he would not expose me. - In spite of this
assurance, I could not recover myself so far, as to entertain them, but withdrew
to my chamber on pretence of a severe head-ach, to the no small concern of my
adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest manner, and went off with his
friend.
    Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time for us
to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to our
landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the neighbourhood. - Our retreat
(therefore) was concerted and executed in this manner: Having packed up all our
clothes and moveables in small parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials
for me) carried them at several times, to the house of an acquaintance, where
she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired, in the middle of the
night, opening the street door, when every other body in the house was asleep. -
I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among
trades people; but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and
attractions; till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all
my dexterity; not that I believed you had any fortune or expectation of one, but
that I might transfer the burden of such debts as I had incurred or could
contract, from myself to another, and at the same time, avenge myself of your
sex, by rendering miserable, one who bore such resemblance to the wretch who
ruined me; - but heaven preserved you from my snares, by the discovery you made,
which was owing to the negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door
unlocked, when she went to buy sugar for breakfast. - The person in bed with me,
was a gentleman whom I had allured the night before, as he walked homeward
pretty much elevated with liquor; for by this time, my condition was so low,
that I was forced to turn out, in the twilight, to the streets in hopes of prey.
- When I found myself detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to move my
lodging and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before: My companion being
disappointed in her expectations, left me, to trade upon her own bottom, and I
had no other resource, than to venture forth like the owls, in the dark, to pick
up a precarious and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between
Ludgate-hill and Charing-cross, a whole winter-night, exposed not only to the
inclemency of the weather, but like-wise to the rage of hunger and thirst,
without being so happy as to meet with one cully, then creep up to my garret in
a deplorable, draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and
sorrows in sleep. - When I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home drunk,
I frequently suffered the most brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged
to affect gaiety and good humour, tho' my soul was stung with resentment and
disdain, and my heart loaded with grief and affliction. - In the course of these
nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that in a short time
render'd me the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat, where
your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.
 
So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady's narration, that I made no
scruple of believing every syllable of what she said; and expressed my
astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone, in so little time;
for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years. - I
compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more wretched:
I had endured hardships, 'tis true; my whole life had been a series of such, and
when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered - but then, they were
become habitual to me, and consequently, I could bear them with less difficulty
- If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have recourse to another,
and so to a third, veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to
the emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character,
beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and
barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets
of prosperity, she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent,
in all the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any
extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted
happiness thro' the whole scene of life - How fatal then, how tormenting, how
intolerable must her reverse of fortune be! a reverse, that not only robbs her
of these external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want, but
also murthers her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal
infamy! - Of all professions I pronounced that of a courtezan the most
deplorable, and her of all courtezans the most unhappy. - She allowed my
observation to be just in the main, but at the same time, affirmed, that
notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so
unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same community. -
»I have often seen (said she) while I strolled about the streets at mid-night, a
number of naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like swine,
in the corner of a dark alley; some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had
known the favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all
the pomp of equipage and dress.« - And indeed the gradation is easily conceived;
the most fashionable woman of the town is as liable to contagion, as one in a
much humbler sphere; she infects her admirers, her situation is public, she is
avoided, neglected, unable to support her usual appearance, which however she
strives to maintain as long as possible; her credit fails, she is obliged to
retrench and become a night-walker, her malady gains ground, she tampers with
her constitution and ruins it; her complexion fades, she grown nauseous to every
body, finds herself reduced to a starving condition, is tempted to pick pockets,
is detected, committed to Newgate, where she remains in a miserable condition,
'till she is discharged because the plaintiff appears not to prosecute her. No
body will afford her lodging, the symptoms of her distemper are grown
outrageous, she sues to be admitted into an hospital, where she is cured at the
expense of her nose; she is turned out naked into the streets, depends upon the
addresses of the canaille, is fain to allay the rage of hunger and cold with
gin, degenerates into a state of brutal insensibility, rots and dies upon a
dunghill. - Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for
me! - »No (cried she after some pause) I shall never live to such extremity of
distress! my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at
that forlorn period!« - Her condition filled me with sympathy and compassion; I
revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal; and
attended her with such care and success, that in less than two months, her
health, as well as my own, was perfectly reestablished. - As we often conferred
upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged advice; a thousand different projects
were formed, which upon further canvassing appeared impracticable. - We would
have gladly gone to service; but who would take us in without recommendation? At
length an expedient occurred to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this
was, to procure with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a
country wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a
wagon, as a fresh girl for service, by which means, she might be provided for
in a manner much more suitable to her inclination, than her present way of life.
 

                                  Chapter XXIV

I am reduced to great misery - assaulted on Tower-hill by a press-gang, who put
me on board a tender - my usage there - my arrival on board of the Thunder man
of war, where I am put in irons, and afterwards released by the good offices of
Mr. Thomson, who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon - he relates his own
story, and makes me acquainted with the characters of the captain, surgeon, and
first mate
 
I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was hired in
quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at
the Marshalsea; and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant,
whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her own. - Thither my
fellow lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me, with a torrent of tears,
and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me, she would remain
in this new situation no longer than till she should pick up money sufficient to
put her other design in execution.
    As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I
hesitated so long, that I found myself reduced to a starving condition. - My
spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean, as
to go down towards Wapping, with an intention to enquire for an old
school-fellow of mine, who (I understood) had got the command of a small
coasting vessel, then in the river, and implore his assistance. - But my destiny
prevented this abject piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Tower-wharf, a squat
tawny fellow, with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand, came up to
me, calling, »Yo, ho! brother, you must come along with me.« - As I did not like
his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace in
hopes of ridding myself of his company; which he perceiving, whistled aloud, and
immediately another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar
and began to drag me along. - Not being of a humour to relish such treatment, I
disengaged myself of the assailant, and with one blow of my cudgel, laid him
motionless on the ground: and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice, by ten or
a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and success, that some of my
opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate
engagement, in which I received a large wound on the head, and another on my
left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing
tender; where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into
the hold, among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well nigh
distracted me. - As the commanding officer had not humanity enough to order my
wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired one of my
fellow-captives who was unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket and
tie it round my head to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief ('tis
true) but instead of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the
grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing composure, sold it before my face
to a bum-boat-woman1 then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated
his companions, regardless of my circumstance and entreaties.
    I complained bitterly of this robbery, to the midshipman on deck, telling
him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to
death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse this
person, who squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me, through the
gratings, told me, »I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die and be damned.« -
Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this
usage in my memory, to be recalled at a fitter season. - In the mean time, loss
of blood, vexation and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench of the
place, to throw me into a swoon; out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the
nose, administered by the tar who stood centinel over us, who at the same time
regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put
on board of the Thunder next day, where I would be freed from handcuffs, and
cured of my wounds by the doctor. - I no sooner heard him name the Thunder, than
I asked, if he had belonged to that ship long; and he giving me to understand,
he had belonged to her five years, I enquired if he knew lieutenant Bowling? -
»Know lieutenant Bowling (said he) - odds my life! and that I do; - and a good
seaman he is, as ever stepped upon forecastle, - and a brave fellow as ever crackt
bisket; - none of your Guinea pigs, - nor your fresh-water, wishy washy,
fair-weather fowls. - Many a taught gale of wind has honest Tom Bowling and I
weathered together. - Here's his health with all my heart, where-ever he is,
a-loft or a-low - in heaven or in hell - all's one for that - he needs not be
ashamed to show himself.« - I was so much affected with this elogium, that I
could not refrain from telling him, I was lieutenant Bowling's kinsman; at which
he expressed an inclination to serve me, and when he was relieved brought some
cold boiled beef in a platter and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and
afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he
recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, who (I found) was very much beloved
by the ship's company, and pitied for the misfortune that happened to him in
Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I imagined;
for captain Oakhum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time,
commanded the ship. Having by accident, in my pocket my uncle's letter written
from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for his
perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly, he could not read, and desired to know
the contents, which I immediately communicated: When he heard that part of it,
in which, he says, he had wrote to his landlord in Deal; he cried, »Body o' me!
that was old Ben Block, - he was dead before the letter came to hand. - Ey, ey,
had Ben been alive, lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to sculk so
long. - Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef and steer. -
Well, well, we must all die, that's certain, - we must all come to port sooner
or later, - at sea or on shore; we must be fast moored one day, - death's like
the best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring us all up.« - I could not
but signify my approbation of the justness of Jack's reflections; and enquired
into the occasion of the quarrel between captain Oakhum and my uncle, which he
explained in this manner. - »Captain Oakhum, to be sure, is a good man enough, -
besides, he's my commander; - but what's that to me! - I do my duty, and value
no man's anger of a rope's end. - Now the report goes, as how he is a lord's, or
baron knight's brother, whereby (d'ye see me) he carries a strait arm, and keeps
a loof from his officers, thof, may hap, they may be as good men in the main as
he. Now we lying at anchor in Tuberoon bay, lieutenant Bowling had the middle
watch, and as he always kept a good-look out, he made (d'ye see) three lights in
the offing, whereby he run down to the great cabin for orders, and found the
captain asleep; - whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion,
and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a
whore, (for I being then centinel in the steerage, heard all) and swab and
swabbard, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together
fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and laying hold
of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter; whereby he told the captain,
that if he was not his commander, he would heave him over-board, and demanded
satisfaction a-shore, whereby in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in
the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter a-shore; and so
they, leaving the boats crews on their oars, went away together; and so (d'ye
see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the
place, and found the captain lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on
board to the doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant
clapped on all the sail he could bear, and had got far enough a-head before we
knew any thing of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of him, for
which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wroth, and would
certainly have done him a mischief; - for he afterwards caused him to be run on
the ships books, whereby he lost all his pay, and if he should be taken, would
be tried as a deserter.«
    This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his
character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected me to
such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on
the matter, and next day was with the other pressed men put on board of the
Thunder lying at the Nore. - When we came along-side, the mate who guarded us
thither, ordered my hand-cuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the
easier; which being perceived by some of the company who stood upon the
gangboards to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied
in doing this friendly office for me; »Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you
boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves enough among us
already?« Another observing my wounds, which still remained exposed to the air,
told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. - A third,
seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were, into distinct cords,
took notice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes, instead of my side. -
A fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards square without iron braces? and
in short, a thousand witticisms of the same nature, were passed upon me, before
I could get up the ship's side. - After we had been all entered upon the books,
I enquired at one of my ship-mates where the surgeon was, that I might have my
wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship
carried eighty guns) in my way to the cock-pit, when I was met by the same
midshipman who had used me so barbarously in the tender: He seeing me free from
my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had released me? To this I foolishly
answered, with a countenance that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts;
»Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.« - I had no
sooner uttered these words, than he cried, »D-n you, you saucy son of a b-ch,
I'll teach you to talk so to your officer.« - So saying, he bestowed on me
several severe stripes, with a supple Jack he had in his hand; and going to the
commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I was immediately put in
irons by the master at arms, and a centinel placed over me. - Honest Rattlin, as
soon as he heard of my condition, came to me, and administered all the
consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of
his mates to dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thomson,
with whom I became acquainted at the Navy-Office, as before mentioned. If I knew
him at first sight, it was not so easy for him to recognize me, disfigured with
blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had undergone. - Unknown as I was to
him, he surveyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores with great
tenderness. When he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave
me, I asked him if my misfortunes had disquised me so much, that he could not
recollect my face? Upon this he observed me with great earnestness for some
time, and at length, protested he could not recollect one feature of my
countenance. - To keep him no longer in suspense, I told him my name; which when
he heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed his sorrow in seeing me
in such a disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and when
he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly,
assuring me, I should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his
sudden departure, when the master at arms came to the place of my confinement,
and bid me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first
lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touching the
treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was
present to confront me. - I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me,
not only in the tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which
being proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great
devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement to make way for
him, who was delivered to the master at arms to take his turn in the Bilboes. -
And this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of
the surgeon, exempted from all other duty, than that of assisting his mates in
making and administring medicines to the sick. - This good office I owed to the
friendship of Mr. Thomson, who had represented me in such a favourable light to
the surgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant, to supply the place of his
third mate, who was lately dead. - When I had obtained this favour, my friend
Thomson carried me down to the cock-pit, which is the place allotted for the
habitation of the surgeon's mates: And when he had shown me their birth (as he
called it) I was filled with astonishment and horror. - We descended by divers
ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which I understood was immersed several
feet under water, being immediately above the hold: I had no sooner approached
this dismal gulf, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of
putrified cheese, and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot
of the ladder, resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint glimmering of a
candle, I could perceive a man with a pale meagre countenance, sitting behind a
kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand. - This (I
learned of Mr. Thomson) was the ship's steward, who sat there to distribute
provision to the several messes, and to mark what each received. - He therefore
presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then
taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which
was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine chest, that of the
first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened to the mizen-mast; it
was also enclosed with canvas nailed round to the beams of the ship, to screen
us from the cold, as well as the view of the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who
lodged within the cable tiers on each side of us: In this gloomy mansion, he
entertained me with some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker,
fixed above the table; and calling for the boy of the mess, sent him for a can
of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet. - By this time I
began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly depressed with the
appearance of every thing about me, and could no longer refrain from asking the
particulars of Mr. Thomson's fortune, since I had seen him in London. - He told
me, that being disappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to gratify
the rapacious s-t-ry at the Navy-Office, he found himself utterly unable to
subsist any longer in town, and had actually offered his service, in quality of
mate, to the surgeon of a merchant's ship bound to Guinea on the slaving trade;
when one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his
lodgings, and informed him, that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at
the Navy-Office, for surgeon's second mate of a third rate: This unexpected
piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true; more especially, as he
had been found qualified at Surgeon's-hall for third mate only; but that he
might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually
found it so: Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the
oaths administered immediately. - That very afternoon, he went to Gravesend in
the tilt-boat, from whence he took a place in the tide-coach for Rochester; next
morning got on board the Thunder, for which he was appointed, then lying in the
harbour at Chatham; and the same day was mustered by the clerk of the checque. -
And well it was for him, that such expedition was used; for in less then twelve
hours after his arrival, another William Thomson came on board, affirming that
he was the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an
impostor. - My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident; the more so, as
his namesake had very much the advantage over him, both in assurance and dress.
- However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he produced several
letters written from Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting that his
indentures were in his box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all
present, that he had not assumed a name which did not belong to him. - His
competitor enraged, that they should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be
sure, the warrant had been designed for him) behaved with so much indecent heat,
that the commanding officer, (who was the same gentleman I had seen) and the
surgeon, were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with their
friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his station. -
»I have been on board (said he) ever since, and as this way of life is become
familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my situation. - The surgeon is a
good- indolent man; the first mate (who is now on shore on duty) is indeed a
little proud and cholerick, as all Welchmen are, but in the main, a friendly
honest fellow. - The lieutenants I have no concern with; and as for the captain,
he is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight.«
 

                                  Chapter XXV

The behaviour of Mr. Morgan - his pride, displeasure and generosity - the
economy of our mess described - Thomson's further friendship - the nature of my
duty explained -- the situation of the sick
 
While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder,
pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, »The devil and his dam
blow me from the top of Mounchdenny, if I go to him before there is something in
my belly; - let his nose be as yellow as a saffron, or as plue as a pell (look
you) or as green as a leek, 'tis all one.« - To this somebody answered, »So it
seems my poor mess-mate must part his cable for want of a little assistance. -
His fore-top-sail is loose already; and besides, the doctor ordered you to
overhaul him; - but I see, you don't mind what your master says.« - Here he was
interrupted with, »Splutter and oons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master?
get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and my education, and my
abilities; and moreover, my behaviour is as good as his, or any gentleman's (no
disparagement to him) in the whole world - Got pless my soul! does he think, or
conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge
backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land, at
his will and pleasures? - Go your ways, you rapscallion, and tell doctor Atkins,
that I desire and request, that he will give a look upon the tying man, and
order something for him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by
and by, when my craving stomach is satisfied, look you.« - At this the other
went away, saying, that if they would serve him so, when he was a dying, by G-d,
he'd be foul of them in the other world. - Here Mr. Thomson let me know that the
person we heard, was Mr. Morgan the first mate, who was just come on board from
the hospital, where he had been with sick people. - At the same time, I saw him
come into the birth. - He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with
pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little
fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. - My
friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a
very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, and
approached the cupboard, which when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great
passion, »Cot is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am a christian!« Thomson
then gave him to understand, that as I had been brought on board half famished,
he could do no less than entertain me with what was in the locker; and the
rather, as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. - Whether this
disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought
himself too little regarded by his fellow-mate, I know not, but after some
pause, he went on in this manner - »Mr. Thomson, perhaps you do not use me with
all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect (look you) that becomes you,
because you have not vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair. - I have, in
my time (look you) been a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration,
and have kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king's taxes; ay,
and maintained a family to boot. - And moreover, also, I am your senior, and
your elder, and your petter, Mr. Thomson.« - »My elder I'll allow you to be, but
not my better (cried Thomson, with some heat.)« - »Cot is my saviour, and
witness too (said Morgan, with great vehemence) that I am more elder, and
therefore more petter by many years than you.« - Fearing this dispute might be
attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan, I was
very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between him and the
second mate; and that rather than cause the least breach in their good
understanding, I would eat my allowance by myself, or seek admission into some
other company. - But Thomson with more spirit than discretion (as I thought)
insisted upon my remaining where he had appointed me; and observed that no man
possessed of generosity and compassion, would have any objection to it,
considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly
undergone. - This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with
great earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess;
but only complained, that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed.
»As for a shentleman in distress (said he, shaking me by the hand) I lofe him as
I lofe my own powels: For Got help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own
pack.« - And as I afterwards learned, in so saying he spoke no more than what
was true; for he had been once settled in a very good situation in
Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an acquaintance. - All
differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which consisted of three
bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese wrapt up in a
handkerchief; and taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen
appetite, inviting us to a share of the repast. - When he had fed heartily on
this homely fare, he filled a large cup made of a cocoa-nut shell, with brandy,
and drinking it off, told us, »Prandy was the best menstruum for onion and
sheese.« - His hunger being appeased, he began to show a great deal of good
humour; and being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that I was
descended of a good family, then he discovered a particular good-will to me on
that account, deducing his own pedigree in a direct line from the famous
Caractacus king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner and afterwards the
friend of Claudius Cæsar. - Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of
linnen, he made me a present of two good ruffled shirts, which with two of check
Mr. Thomson gave me, enabled me to appear with decency. - Mean while the sailor,
whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a prescription for his
mess-mate, which when Mr. Welchman had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked
if the man was »Tead or alive.« - »Dead! (replied Jack) if he was dead he would
have no occasion for doctor's stuff. - No, thank God, death has'n't as yet
boarded him, but they have been yard arm and yard arm these three glasses.« -
»Are his eyes open? (continued the mate.)« - »His starboard eye (said the
sailor) is open, but fast jamm'd in his head; and the haul-yards of his under
jaw are given way.« - »Passion of my heart! (cried Morgan) the man is as pad as
one would desire in a summer's day! - Did you feel his pulses?« To this, the
other replied with »Anan?« - Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great
earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his mess-mate and keep him
alive till he should come with the medicine, »and then (said he) you shall
peradventure, pehold what you shall see.« - The poor fellow with great
simplicity ran to the place where the sick man lay, but in less than a minute,
returned with a woeful countenance, and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan
hearing this, exclaimed, »Mercy upon my salfation! why did you not stop him till
I came?« - »Stop him (said the other) I hailed him several times, but he was too
far on his way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so that
he did not mind me.« - »Well, well, (said he) we all owe heaven a Teath. - Go
your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning, look you, and
repent of your misteets.« - So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the birth.
    While he entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard
the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our mess, run
to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a few
minutes, returned with it full of boiled peas, crying, »Scaldings,« all the way
as he came. - The clothes, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly
laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour, I could with difficulty
discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which
were curtailed in the handles, and the other in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself
enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and
a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. - I was not very much
tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates
eat heartily, advising me to follow their example, as it was banyan day, and we
could have no meat till next noon. - But I had already laid in sufficient for
the occasion; and therefore desired to be excused; expressing a curiosity to
know the meaning of banyan day. - They told me, that on Mondays, Wednesdays and
Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days
were called banyan days, the reason of which they did not know; but I have since
learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees in some parts of
the East Indies, who never taste flesh.
    After dinner, Thomson led me round the ship, showed me the different parts,
described their uses, and as far as he could, made me acquainted with the
particulars of the discipline and economy practised on board. - He then
demanded of the boatswain, an hammock for me, which was slung in a very neat
manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and as I had no bed-clothes, procured credit
for me with the purser, for a matrass and two blankets. - At seven a-clock in
the evening, Morgan visited the sick, and having ordered what was proper for
each, I assisted Thomson in making up his prescriptions: But when I followed him
with the medicines into the sick birth or hospital, and observed the situation
of the patients, I was much less surprised to find people die on board, than
astonished to find any body recover. - Here I saw about fifty miserable
distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not
more than fourteen inches of space was allotted for each with his bed and
bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of fresh air;
breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling from
their own excrements and diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the
filth that surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience necessary for
people in that helpless condition.
 

                                  Chapter XXVI

A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my office -- Morgan's
nose is offended -- a dialogue between him and the ship's steward -- upon
examination, I find more causes of complaint than one -- my hair is cut off --
Morgan's Cookery - the manner of sleeping on board - I am waked in the night by
a dreadful noise
 
I could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come near those
who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to assist them,
as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside, and entirely out of
reach of all visitation. - Much less could I conjecture how my friend Thomson
would be able to administer clysters, that were ordered for some in that
situation. - When I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to
his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours, under the hammocks of the
sick, and forcing up his bare pate between two, kept them asunder with one
shoulder, until he had done his duty. - Eager to learn the service, I desired he
would give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; he consenting, I
undressed myself after his example, and crawling along, the ship happened to
roll, which alarmed me; I laid hold of the first thing that came within my
grasp, with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found by the smell
that issued upon me, I had not unlocked a box of the most delicious perfume; it
was well for me that my nostrils was none of the most delicate, else I know not
how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over
the ship to the utter discomposure of every body who tarried on the same deck; -
neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling
only, for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. That I might not, however,
appear altogether disconcerted in this my coup d'essai, I got up, and pushing my
head with great force between two hammocks, towards the middle, where the
greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but not understanding the
knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my advantage, I had the
mortification to find myself stuck up as it were in a pillory, and the weight of
three or four people bearing on each side of my neck, so that I was in danger of
strangulation. - While I remained in this defenceless posture, one of the sick
men, rendered peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had
occasioned, and the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that
with many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so
unmercifully that I roared with anguish. Thomson perceiving my condition,
ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who with much difficulty disengaged
me from this embarras, and hindered me from taking vengeance of the sick man,
whose indisposition would not have screened him from the effects of my
indignation.
    After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to the
cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened, with a homely proverb,
which I do not choose to repeat. - When we had got half way down the ladder, Mr.
Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose, of the approach of
something extraordinary, cried, »Cot have mercy upon my senses! I pelieve the
enemy has poarded us in a stink-pot!« Then directing his discourse to the
steward, from whom he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely
for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, threatened to smoak him like a
padger with sulphur, if ever he should presume to offend his neighbours with
such smells, for the future: The steward, conscious of his own innocence,
replied with some warmth, »I know of no smells but those of your own making.« -
This repartee introduced a smart dialogue, in which the Welchman undertook to
prove, that though the stench he complained of, did not flow from the steward's
own body, he was nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged
provisions to the ship's company; and in particular, putrified cheese, from the
use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. - Then he
launched out into praises of good cheese, of which he gave the analysis;
explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods practised to
make and preserve it; and concluded with observing, that in yielding good
cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much
superior to it in the produce of goats and putter. - I gathered from this
conversation, that if I went into the birth in my present pickle, I should be no
welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thomson to go before, and represent my
calamity; at which the first mate expressing some concern, went upon deck
immediately, taking his way through the cable tire, and by the main hatchway, to
avoid encountering with me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible, for
he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. -
Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had more
causes of complaint than I at first imagined: For I perceived some guests had
honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not at all think seasonable;
neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, being in possession of my
chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood. - But
considering it would be much easier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the
infancy of their settlement, than after they should be multiplied and
naturalized to the soil, I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such
misfortunes, went always closs shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my
hair, which had been growing since I left the service of Lavement. The second
mate lent me an old bob wig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair
being ended, and every thing adjusted in the best manner my circumstances would
permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and ordering the boy to bring a
piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice and mixed it with an equal
quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and
salt, he brought it into a consistence with oil and vinegar. - Then tasting the
dish, assured us, it was the best salmagundie, that ever he made, and
recommended it to our palate with such heartiness, that I could not help doing
honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I
thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of small beer,
to allay the heat it occasioned. - Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having smoked
a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended with as many cans
of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me, that
it was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of rest
the preceeding night; which being perceived by my companions, whose time of
repose was by this time arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or in other
words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one another, on the
outside of our birth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld each of my
mess-mates spring with great agility into his respective nest, where they seemed
to lie concealed, very much at their ease. - But it was some time before I could
prevail upon myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in a
narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should be apt, on the least motion in my
sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I suffered myself,
however, to be persuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite over,
with such violence, that had I not luckily got hold of Thomson's hammock, I
should have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood
fractured my scull. - After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the
apprehension of the jeopardy in which I believed myself, withstood all the
attacks of sleep, till towards the morning-watch, when in spite of my fears, I
was over-powered with slumber: tho' I did not long enjoy this comfortable
situation; being arroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the
drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a dreadful summons
pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not understand. While I was debating
with myself whether or not I should wake my companion, and enquire into the
occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-masters, who
passed by me with a lanthorn in his hand, that the noise which alarmed me, was
occasioned by the boatswain's mates who called up the larboard watch, and that I
must lay my account with such interruption every morning at the same hour. -
Being now more assured of my safety, I addressed myself again to rest, and slept
till eight a-clock, when getting up, and breakfasting with my comrades, on
biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted as before; after which my
good friend Thomson explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I
was a stranger. - At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went
round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and in rhimes composed for the
occasion, inviting all those who had sores to repair before the mast, where one
of the doctor's mates attended, with applications to dress them.
 

                                 Chapter XXVII

I acquire the friendship of the surgeon, who procures a warrant for me, and
makes me a present of clothes -- a battle between a midshipman and me -- the
surgeon leaves the ship -- the captain comes on board with another surgeon -- a
dialogue between the captain and Morgan -- the sick are ordered to be brought
upon the quarter-deck and examined -- the consequences of that order -- a madman
accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty by command of the captain, whom he
instantly attacks and pummels without mercy
 
While I was busied with my friend in this practice, the doctor chanced to pass
by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me, appeared very well
satisfied with my method of application; and afterwards sent for me to his
cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the
particulars of my fortune, interested himself so far in my behalf, as to promise
his assistance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had been already found
qualified at Surgeon's hall, for the station I now filled on board; and this he
the more cordially engaged in, when he understood I was nephew to lieutenant
Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. - In the mean time, I could
learn from his discourse, that he did not intend to go to sea again with captain
Oakhum, having, as he thought, been indifferently used by him during the last
voyage.
    While I lived tollerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not
altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude
insults of the sailors, and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name
of Loblolly Boy; but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly
in the main, was often very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good
deal of submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I had
received at his hands.
    About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon bidding me follow him
into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed surgeon's
third mate on board the Thunder. - This he had procured by his interest at the
Navy-Office; as also another for himself, by virtue of which he was removed into
a second rate. I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude
could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing such a valuable
friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still further, by my
respectful and diligent behaviour. - But his generosity rested not here; - for,
before he left the ship, he made me a present of a chest and some clothes, that
enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised me. - I found my spirit
revive with my good fortune; and now I was an officer, resolved to maintain the
dignity of my station, against all opposition or affronts; nor was it long
before I had occasion to exert my resolution; my old enemy the midshipman (whose
name was Crampley) entertaining an implacable animosity against me, for the
disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time taken all
opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort
his bad usage. - And even after I had been rated on the books, and mustered as
surgeon's mate, did not think fit to restrain his insolence. - In particular,
being one day present, while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to
sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and
therefore signified my resentment, by observing, that the Scots always laid
their account in finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant and
malicious. - This unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree,
that he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my
cheekbone; I was not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to
be very serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master's mates,
coming that way, interposed, and inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to
promote a reconciliation; but finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, and
bent against accommodation, they advised us, either to leave our difference
undecided till we should have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like
gentlemen, or else choose a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by
boxing. This last expedient was greedily embraced; and being forthwith conducted
to the ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a very furious contest,
in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength
and agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school at Hockley in the
Hole, and Tottenham-Court. - Many cross-buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the
stomach without number, till at last, my breath being quite gone, as well as my
vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my spirits in one effort,
threw in at once head, hands, and feet with such violence, that I drove my
antagonist three paces backward into the main hatch-way, down which he fell, and
pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion. -
Morgan looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, »Upon my
conscience, as I am a Christian sinner (look you) I believe his pattles are all
ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was no treachery in the case, and
that he has suffered by the chance of war.« - So saying, he descended to the
deck below, to examine into the situation of my adversary; and left me very
little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but
likewise in danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley: But
this fear vanished when my fellow-mate, having by bleeding him in the juglar,
brought him to himself, and assured himself of the state of his body, called up
to me, to be under no concern, for the midshipman had received no other damage
than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri, as one would desire to see on a
summer's day. - Upon this information, I crawled down to the cockpit, and
acquainted Thomson with the affair, who, providing himself with bandages, etc.
necessary for the occasion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the
dislocation. - When this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the
event of the combat; and the Welchman, after observing, that in all likelihood,
the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bid me »Praise Cot for
putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it.« - I
acquired such reputation by this recounter (which lasted twenty minutes) that
every body became more cautious in his behaviour towards me; though Crampley
with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize the first
opportunity of retrieving on shore, the honour he had lost by an accident, from
which I could justly claim no merit.
    About this time, captain Oakhum, having received sailing orders, came on
board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon made us
sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of doctor Atkins; being
grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving;
a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In
the morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according to
custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which when this grim commander had
perused, he cried with a stern countenance, »Blood and oons! sixty-one sick
people on board of my ship! - Harkee you, sir, I'll have no sick in my ship, by
G-d.« The Welchman replied, he should be very glad to find no sick people on
board; but while it was otherwise, he did no more than his duty in presenting
him with a list. - »You and your list may be d-n'd, (said the captain, throwing
it at him) I say, there shall be no sick in this ship while I have the command
of her.« - Mr. Morgan being nettled at this treatment, told him, his indignation
ought to be directed to Got Almighty, who visited his people with distempers,
and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The Bashaw
not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at
this satirical insinuation, and stamping with his foot, called him insolent
scoundrel, threatning to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to
utter another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated,
disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began to manifest itself in,
»Captain Oakhum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage (look you) and
peradventure, I am moreover --.« Here his harrangue was broke off by the
captain's steward, who being Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the cabin
before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, which would
certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welchman, could hardly be
hindered by his friend's arguments and entreaties, from re-entering the presence
chamber, and defying captain Oakhum to his teeth. - He was, however, appeased at
length, and came down to the birth, where finding Thomson and me at work
preparing medicines, he bid us leave off our lapour and go to play, for the
captain, by his sole word and power and command, had driven sickness a pegging
to the tevil, and there was no more malady on poard. So saying, he drank off a
gill of brandy, sighed grievously three times, poured forth an ejaculation of
»Got pless my heart, liver, and lungs!« and then began to sing a Welch song with
great earnestness of visage, voice and gesture. - I could not conceive the
meaning of this singular phænomenon, and saw by the looks of Thomson, who at the
same time, shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader's brains were
unsettled. He perceiving our amazement, told us, he would explain the mystery;
but at the same time, bid us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor,
married man and widower, almost forty years, and in all that time, there was no
man nor mother's son in the whole world, who durst use him so ill as captain
Oakhum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between
them, as I have already related it; and had no sooner finished this narration,
than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to the
quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be
reviewed. - This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be
impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their
lives; but as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate
against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see the extraordinary
muster; Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the
other world, a great many evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared
upon deck, the captain bid the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look
at these lazy, lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board, but
to eat the king's provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers. - The
surgeon grinned approbation, and taking the list, began to examine the
complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed. - The first who
came under his cognizance, was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had
weakened him so much, that he could hardly stand. - Mr. Mackshane (for that was
the doctor's name) having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in
the world; and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain's mate, with
orders that he should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for
counterfeiting himself sick when he was not; - but before the discipline could
be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well nigh perished under
the hands of the executioner. - The next patient to be considered, laboured
under a quartan ague, and being then, in his interval of health, discovered no
other symptoms of distemper, than a pale meagre countenance, and emaciated body;
upon which, he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain; -
but being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day,
during his cold fit. - The third complained of a pleuretic stitch, and spitting
of blood, for which doctor Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump to promote
expectoration; but whether this was improper for one in his situation, or that
it was used to excess, I know not, but in less than half an hour, he was
suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs. - A fourth, with
much difficulty climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous
ascites or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he could scarce fetch his
breath; but his disease being interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and
excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration and
enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately: It was in vain for this unwieldy
wretch, to alledge his utter incapacity, the boatswain's driver was commanded to
whip him up with a cat and nine tails: The smart of this application made him
exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the foot-hook-shrouds, but
when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to support it than his
weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and
plumped into the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor who was
in a boat along-side, saved his life, by keeping him afloat, till he was hoisted
on board by a tackle - It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate
of every miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the
captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their
fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered
delirious by the injuries they suffered in the way. - Some gave up the ghost in
the presence of their inspectors; and others, who were ordered to their duty,
languished a few days at work, among their fellows, and then departed without
any ceremony. - On the whole, the number of sick was reduced to less than a
dozen; and the authors of this reduction were applauding themselves for the
service they had done to their king and country, when the boatswain's mate
informed his honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock by the
direction of the doctor's mate, and that he begged hard to be released;
affirming, he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore to him,
and that he was as much in his senses as any man aboard. - The captain hearing
this, darted a severe look at the Welchman, and ordered the man to be brought up
immediately: Upon which, Morgan protested with great fervency, that the person
in question was as mad as a March-hare; and begged for the love of Got, they
would at least keep his arms pinioned during his examination, to prevent him
from doing mischief. - This request the commander granted for his own sake, and
the patient was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with
such calmness and strength of argument, that every body present was inclined to
believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to appearances;
for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his behaviour two days before,
that he had actually unbound him with his own hands, and had well nigh been
murdered for his pains: this was confirmed by the evidence of one of the
waiters, who declared, he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate, whom
he had gotten down and almost strangled. - To this the man answered, that the
witness was a creature of Morgan's, and was suborned to give his testimony
against him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by
discovering to the people on board, that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in
Rag Fair. - This anecdote produced a laugh at the expense of the Welchman, who
shaking his head with some emotion, said, »Ay, ay, 'tis no matter, - God knows,
'tis an arrant falsehood.« - Captain Oakhum, without any further hesitation,
ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time, threatening to make
Morgan exchange situations with him for his spite; but the Briton no sooner
heard the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizzen-shrouds,
crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the
tevil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard this caution, and
accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as soon as he was
released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, »I'll let you know, you
scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel« - and pummel him without mercy.
The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and
it was with the utmost difficulty, that he was mastered at last, after having
done great execution among those who opposed him.
 

                                 Chapter XXVIII

The captain enraged, threatens to put the madman to death with his own hand --
is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and persuasion of the first
lieutenant and surgeon -- we set sail for St. Helens, join the fleet under the
command of Sir C--n--r O-le, and proceed for the West-Indies - are overtaken by
a terrible tempest - my friend Jack Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the
mainyard - the behaviour of doctor Mackshane -- Jack opposes the amputation of
his limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, who undertake the cure, and
perform it successfully
 
The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment he had
received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him, that he might
have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would certainly have
satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated
against it, by observing that in all appearance, the fellow was not mad but
desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain to assassinate
him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a
court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom, by which,
important discoveries might be made, and then sentence the criminal to a death
adequate to his demerits. - This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the
desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridian of
his intellects; more especially, as doctor Mackshane espoused this opinion, in
consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not mad. - Morgan
finding there was no more damage done, could not help discovering by his
countenance, the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion; and while he bathed the
doctor's face with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, Whether he thought there
were more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing
this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken
notice of at a more fit season. - Mean while we weighed anchor, and on our way
to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity,
while the centinel attended him at the head, to leap over-board, and frustrate
the revenge of the captain. - We staid not long at the Downs, but took the
benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead; where having
received on board provisions for six months, we sailed from St. Helens, in the
grand fleet bound for the West-Indies on the ever memorable expedition of
Carthagena.
    It was not without great mortification, I saw myself on the point of being
transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of every
convenience that could render such a voyage supportable; and under the dominion
of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable: However, as these
complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently
to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would
allow. - We got out of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away,
leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard: But this
state of inaction did not last long; for next night our main-top-sail was split
by the wind, which in the morning increased to a hurricane. - I was wakened by a
most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks
above, the creaking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the shrouds, the
confused noise of the ship's crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the
trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain-pumps. - Morgan, who
had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, »Got have
mercy and compassion upon us! I believe we have got upon the confines of Lucifer
and the d-ned!« - while poor Thomson lay quaking in his hammock, putting up
petitions to heaven for our safety. - I got out of bed and joined the Welchman,
with whom (after having fortified ourselves with brandy) I went above; but if my
sense of hearing was startled before, how must my sight be appalled in beholding
the effects of the storm? The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on the
top of which our ship sometimes hung, as if it was about to be precipitated to
the abyss below! Sometimes we sunk between two waves that rose on each side
higher than our topmast head, and threatened by dashing together, to overwhelm us
in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce
twelve appeared, and these driving under their bare poles, at the mercy of the
tempest. At length the masts of one of them gave way, and tumbled over-board
with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our own ship much more agreeable;
- a number of officers and sailors run backward and forward with distraction in
their looks, hollowing to one another, and unknowing what they should attend to
first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split
into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl those which
were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs,
as if they would have shivered into innumerable splinters! - While I considered
this scene with equal terror and astonishment, one of the main-braces broke, by
the shock whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's arm into the sea, where
they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the expense
of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his assistance, and found a
splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the violence of the fall through the skin:
As this was a case of too great consequence to be treated without the authority
of the doctor, I went down to his cabin, to inform him of the accident, as well
as to bring up dressings, which we always kept ready prepared. - I entered his
apartment without any ceremony, and by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him
on his knees, before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but this I
will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to common report,
which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing doctor
Mackshane as a member of the church of Rome. - Be this as it will, he got up in
a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his being disturbed in his
devotion, and in a trice, snatched the object of my suspicion from my sight. -
After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the situation of
Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on deck where he
lay; he bid me desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him down
to the cockpit, and in the mean time he would direct Thomson in getting ready
the dressings. - When I signified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he swore
a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from the deck, because he
expected the masts would go by the board every minute. - This piece of
information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind; however, as my friend
Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance of Morgan, I supported him to
the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come,
attended by Thomson with a boxful of dressings, and his own servant, who carried
a whole set of capital instruments. - He examined the fracture and the wound,
and concluding from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that a
mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately. - This was
a dreadful sentence to the patient, who recruiting himself with a quid of
tobacco, pronounced with a woeful countenance, »What! is there no remedy, doctor?
must I be dock'd? can't you splice it?« - »Assuredly, doctor Mackshane (said the
first mate) with submission, and deference, and veneration to your superior
abilities, and opportunities, and stations (look you) I do apprehend, and
conjecture, and aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this
poor man's leg.« - »God almighty bless you, dear Welchman! (cried Rattlin) may
you have fair wind and weather wheresoever you're bound, and come to an anchor
in the road of heaven at last.« - Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate's
differing in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give
an account of his practice to him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to
apply the tourniquet. - At the sight of which, Jack starting up, cried, »Avast,
avast! d-n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! -
Mr. Random, won't you lend a hand towards saving of my precious limb? Odd's
heart, if lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's leg to
be chopped off like a piece of old junk.« - This pathetic address to me, joined
to my inclination to serve my honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe
there was no danger in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of
the first mate's opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin,
was owing to an inflammation occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such
cases, without any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a
great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked
Thomson's sentiments of the matter, in hopes of strengthening our association
with him too; but he being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity
of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest
manner, espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who by this time, having consulted
with himself, determined to act in such a manner, as to screen himself from
censure; and at the same time revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in
contradicting him. - With this view, he demanded to know if we would undertake
to cure the leg at our peril; that is, be answerable for the consequence. - To
this Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands of Got
alone; and it would be great presumption in him to undertake for an event that
was in the power of his maker, no more than the doctor could promise to cure all
the sick to whom he administered his assistance; but if the patient would put
himself under our direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to
a favourable issue, to which, at present, we saw no obstruction. - I signified
my concurrence; and Rattlin was so over-joyed, that shaking us both by the
hands, he swore no body else should touch him, and if he died, his blood should
be upon his own head. - Mr. Mackshane, flattering himself with the prospect of
our miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we should think proper;
accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck through the skin,
we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage,
and put the leg in a box, secundum artem. - Every thing succeeded according to
our wish, and we had the satisfaction, of not only preserving the poor fellow's
leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship's company,
who had all their eyes on us during the course of this cure, which was
completed in six weeks.
 

                                  Chapter XXIX

Mackshane's malice -- I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy -- Morgan meets
with the same fate - Thomson is tampered with to turn evidence against us --
disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for his integrity -- Morgan is released
to assist the surgeon during an engagement with some French ships of war -- I
remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow delirious
with fear -- am comforted after the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the
captain; is over-heard by the centinel, who informs against him, and again
imprisoned - Thomson grows desperate, and notwithstanding the remonstrances of
Morgan and me, goes over-board in the night
 
In the mean time, the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us into the
warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable and the crew very sickly. -
The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance
against the Welchman and me. He went among the sick under pretence of enquiring
into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice;
but finding himself frustrated in that expectation, by the good-will we had
procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the resolution
of listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that
surrounded our birth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess, who
acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking
a large bone of salt-beef, Morgan discerned something stir against our hangings,
which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipt me the wink, and
pointed to the place, where I could evidently perceive some body standing; upon
which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, saying,
»Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.« - It had the desired effect,
for we heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabin. -
I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most unlucky
exploits of my life, Mackshane from that night marking me out for destruction. -
About a week thereafter, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I was taken
prisoner, and carried to the poop by the master at arms, where I was loaded with
irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had
conspired against the captain's life. - How ridiculous soever this imputation
was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shown to the
worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the scorching
heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during the space of
twelve days, in which time I was neither brought to trial, nor examined touching
the probability of my charge. - I had no sooner recovered the use of my
reflection, which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for
Thomson, who, after condoling with me on the occasion, hinted to me, that I owed
this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given in an information
against me to the captain, in consequence of which I was arrested, and all my
papers seized. - While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the
poop, guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be
pinioned in the same machine. - Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce
refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner, who, without
speaking one word, allowed his feet to be enclosed in the rings provided for
that purpose; but when they pretended to fasten him on his back, he grew
outragious, and drawing a large couteau from his side-pocket, threatened to rip
up the belly of the first man who should approach him, in order to treat him in
such an unworthy manner. - They were preparing to use him very roughly, when the
lieutenant on the quarter-deck, called up to them to let him remain as he was. -
He then crept towards me, and taking me by the hand, bid me »put my trust in
Got.« - And looking at Thomson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale visage,
told him, there were two more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find
him in such good company. - But it was not the intention of our adversary to
include the second mate in our fate: Him he excepted to be his drudge in
attending the sick, and is possible, his evidence against us: With this view he
sounded him afar off, but finding his integrity incorruptible, he harrassed him
so much out of spite, that in a short time this mild creature grew weary of his
life.
    While I and my fellow-prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the
admiral discovered four sail of ships to leeward, and made signal for our ship
and four more to chase: Hereupon, every thing was cleared for an engagement, and
Mackshane foreseeing he would have occasion for more assistants than one,
obtained Morgan's liberty; while I was left in this deplorable posture to the
chance of battle. - It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost chase,
which we hailed, and enquired who they were; they gave us to understand they
were French men of war, upon which captain Oakhum commanded them to send their
boat on board of him; but they refused, telling him, if he had any business with
them, to come on board of their ship: He then threatened to pour in a broad-side
upon them, which they promised to return. - Both sides were as good as their
word, and the engagement began with great fury. - The reader may guess how I
passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors of a
sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder or dashed in pieces by the
enemy's shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as possible, by reflecting
that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were stationed about me; but
when I beheld them employed without intermission, in annoying the foe, and
encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could easily perceive
a wide difference between their condition and mine: However, I concealed my
agitation as well as I could, till the head of the officer of Marines, who stood
near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me
well-nigh blinded with brains. - I could contain myself no longer, but began to
bellow with all the strength of my lungs; when a drummer coming towards me,
asked if I was wounded; and before I could answer, received a great shot in his
belly which tore out his intrails, and he fell flat on my breast. - This
accident entirely bereft me of all discretion: I redoubled my cries, which were
drowned in the noise of the battle; and finding myself disregarded, lost all
patience and became frantick; vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my
spirits being quite exhausted, I remained quiet and insensible of the load that
oppressed me. - The engagement lasted till broad day, when captain Oakhum,
finding he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair,
pretended to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and hailing the ship with
whom he had fought all night, protested be believed them Spaniards, and the guns
being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on
board of the French commodore. - Our loss amounted to ten killed and eighteen
wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. - My fellow-mates had no sooner
dispatched their business in the cockpit, than full of friendly concern, they
came to visit me. - Morgan ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered
with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and
calling to Thomson with great emotion, bid him come up and take his last farewell
of his comrade and countryman, who was posting to a petter place, where there
were no Mackshanes nor Oakhums to asperse and torment him. - »No (said he,
taking me by the hand) you are going to a country where there is more respect
shown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of
peholding your adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.« - Thomson
alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting
down by me, with tears in his eyes, enquired into the nature of my calamity. -
By this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse
rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately
undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being mortally wounded. -
After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and
partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered
into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of the
authors of our misery; which being overheard by the centinel who guarded me, he
was no sooner relieved, than he reported to the captain every syllable of our
conversation, according to the orders he had received: The effects of this soon
appeared in the arrival of the master at arms, who replaced Morgan in his former
station; and gave the second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his
tongue, if he did not choose to accompany us in our confinement. - Thomson
foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending and dressing the sick and
wounded, must now fall upon his shoulders, as well as the ill usage of
Mackshane, grew desperate at the prospect, and though I never heard him swear
before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring,
that he would rather quit life altogether, than be much longer under the power
of such barbarians. - I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and
endeavoured to alleviate his complaints, by representing the subject of my own,
with as much aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the
balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude
and submission, till such time as we could procure redress, which (I hoped) was
not far off, considering, that we should probably be in a harbour in less than
three days, where we should have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to
the admiral. - The Welchman joined in my remonstrances, and was at great pains
to demonstrate, that it was every man's duty as well as interest to resign
himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as a centinel upon duty, who
is by no means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. - Thomson
listened attentively to what we said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears,
shook his head, and left us, without making any reply. - About eleven at night,
he came to see us again, with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to
understand, that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw us, and in
recompense, had been grossly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being
confederate with us, in a design of taking away his life and that of the
captain. After some time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing
me by the hand with an uncommon fervour, cried, »God bless you both,« and left
us to wonder at his singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to
make an impression on us both.
    Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, this unhappy young man
was a missing, and after strick search, supposed to have gone over-board in the
night; which was certainly the case.
 

                                  Chapter XXX

We lament over the fate of our companion -- the captain offers Morgan his
liberty, which he refuses to accept -- we are brought before him and examined --
Morgan is sent back to custody, whither also I am remanded after a curious trial
 
The news of this event affected my fellow-prisoner and me extremely, as our
unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable disposition, the love
and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater
horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. -
This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for
Thomson's death, although he must be conscious to himself, of having driven him
by ill usage to that fatal resolution; but desired the captain to set Morgan at
liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the corporals was
sent up to unfetter him; when he protested he would not be released until he
should know for what he was confined; nor would he be a tennis-ball, nor a
shittlecock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion to any captain under the sun. - Oakhum
finding him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise his
tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to show some appearance of
justice, and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him, on the
quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his clerk on one side, and his
counsellor Mackshane on the other. - When we approached, he honoured us with
this salutation: »So, gentlemen, d-n my blood! many a captain in the navy would
have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard's arm, without either judge or
jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but d-n my blood, I have too much
good nature, in allowing such dogs as you to make your defence.« - »Captain
Oaghum, (said my fellow-sufferer) certainly it is in your power (Got help the
while) to tuck us all up at your will, and desire, and pleasures. - And perhaps
it would be petter for some of us to be tucked up, than undergo the miseries to
which we have been exposed. - So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion,
and amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon
earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those who
take away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness and parparity (look
you.) - In the mean time, I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge,
and see the person who accuses me.« - »That you shall (said the captain) here
doctor, what have you to say?« - Mackshane stepping forward, hemmed a good
while, in order to clear his throat, and before he began, Morgan accosted him
thus: »Doctor Mackshane, look in my face - look in the face of an honest man,
who abhorrs a false-witness as he abhorrs the tevil, and Got be judge between
you and me.« - The doctor not minding this conjuration, made the following
speech, as near as I can remember: - »I'll tell you what, Mr. Morgan, to be sure
what you say is just, in regard to an honest man; and if so be it appears as how
you are an honest man, then it is my opinion, that you deserve to be acquitted,
in relation to that there affair; for I tell you what, captain Oakhum is
resolved for to do every body justice. - As for my own part, all that I have to
alledge, is that I have been informed, you have spoken disrespectful words
against your captain, who to be sure, is the most honourable and generous
commander in the king's service, without asparagement or acceptation of man,
woman or child.« - Having uttered this elegant harrangue, on which he seemed to
plume himself, Morgan replied, »I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand
your meaning, which I wish could be more explicite: But however, I do suppose, I
am not to be condemned upon bare hear-say; or if I am convicted of speaking
disrespectfully of captain Oakhum, I hope there is no treason in my words.« -
»But there's mutiny; by G-d, and that's death by the articles of war (cried
Oakhum.) - In the mean time, let the witnesses be called.« - Hereupon
Mackshane's servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and
tutored for the purpose. - The first declared, that Morgan, as he descended the
cockpit ladder, one day, cursed the captain and called him a savage beast,
saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind. - »This (said the
clerk) is a strong presumption of a design formed against the captain's life. -
For why? It presupposes malice aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.«
- »Right (said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney's
boy) you shall have law enough, here's Cook and Littlejohn for it.« This
evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the first mate say,
that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more
brains than an ass. - Then the centinel who heard our discourse on the poop was
examined, and informed the court that the Welchman assured me, that captain
Oakhum and doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in hell
for their barbarity. - The clerk observed, that here was an evident
prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy against the
life of captain Oakhum; for, because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce
that the captain and surgeon would be damned, unless he had intention to make
away with them before they could have time to repent? - This sage explanation
had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, »What have you to say
to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-back, brother, hah!« - Morgan was too
much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely denied the truth
of the comment: Upon which the captain, strutting up to him, with a ferocious
countenance, said, »So, Mr. Son-of-a-b-ch, you confess you honoured me with the
names of bear and beast, and pronounced my damnation! D-n my heart! I have a
good mind to have you brought to a court-martial and hanged, you dog.« - Here
Mackshane having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain
to pardon Mr. Morgan, with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he the
delinquent should make such submission as the nature of his misdemeanour
demanded. - Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion, would have made
no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor
for his mediation, and acknowledged himself in the wrong for having called the
image of Got, a beast, »but (said he) I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and
comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, letchery by a goat, and
craftiness by a fox; so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear,
and fury to a tyger; - therefore I made these similies to express my sentiments
(look you) and what I said, before Got, I will not unsay before man nor peast
neither.« - Oakhum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it) that he
ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his
clerk to proceed in the examination of me. - The first question put to me, was
touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland.
»The north of Ireland more liker (cried the captain) but we shall bring you up
presently.« - He then asked what religion I professed; and when I answered, »The
protestant,« swore I was as arrant a Roman as ever went to mass. - »Come, come,
clerk (continued he) catechise him a little on this subject.« - But before I
relate the particulars of the clerk's enquiries, it will not be amiss to inform
the reader that our commander himself was a Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly
belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. - »You say you are a protestant (said the
clerk) make the sign of the cross with your fingers, so, and swear upon it, to
that affirmation.« - When I was about to perform this ceremony, the captain
cried with some emotion, »No, no, damme! I'll have no profanation neither. - But
go on with your interrogations.« - »Well then (proceeded my examiner) how many
sacraments are there?« - To which I replied, »Two.« - »What are they? (said
he.)« I answered, »Baptism and the Lord's Supper.« - »And so you would explode
confirmation and marriage altogether? (said Oakhum) I thought this fellow was a
rank Roman.« - The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not
refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by
observing, that these decoys would not do with me who seemed to be an old
offender. - He went on, with asking if I believed in transubstantiation; but I
treated the notion of the real presence with such disrespect that his patron was
scandalized at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon
this miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of
being a spy on board; and that I had entered into a conspiracy with Thomson and
others not yet detected, against the life of captain Oakhum. - To support which
accusation, they adduced the testimony of our boy, who declared he had often
heard the deceased Thomson and me whispering together, and could distinguish the
words, »Oakhum, rascal, poison, pistol,« by which it appeared, we did intend to
use sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That the death of Thomson
seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the stings of remorse,
for being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which
he must have infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to
his own existence. - But what established the truth of the whole, was a book in
cypher found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest,
after his disappearance: This, he observed, was a presumption very near proof
positive, and would determine any jury in christendom to find me guilty. - In my
own defence, I alleged that I had been dragged on board at first very much
against my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now in
the ship; consequently could have no design of becoming spy at that time; and
ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence that could
justly intail that suspicion upon me; - and as for conspiring against my
captain's life, it could not be supposed that any man in his right wits would
harbour the least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly
perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all the
inclination in the world. - That allowing the boy's evidence to be true (which I
affirmed was false and malicious) nothing conclusive could be gathered from a
few incoherent words: Neither was the fate of Mr. Thomson a circumstance more
favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket, a letter which too well
explained that mystery, in a very different manner from that which was supposed:
With these words I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to
me the very day after Thomson disappeared; and told me it was committed to his
care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it sooner. The clerk
taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, which were these:
 
        Dear Friend,
            I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily and nightly undergo,
        and the barbarous usage of doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your
        destruction, as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from
        this miserable life, and before you receive this, shall be no more. I
        could have wished to die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I shall
        forfeit by the last act of my life; but if you cannot acquit me, I know
        you will at least preserve some regard for the memory of an unfortunate
        young man who loved you. - I recommend it to you, to beware of
        Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. - I wish all prosperity to you
        and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to be
        remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman.
                                                                WILLIAM THOMSON.
 
This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage, snatched
it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying, it was
a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by myself. - The captain and clerk
declared themselves of the same opinion, notwithstanding I insisted on having
the remains of it compared to other writings of Thomson, which they had in
possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of my accusation,
namely, the book of cyphers found among my papers. - »That is easily done (said
I.) What you are pleased to call cyphers, are no other than the Greek
characters, in which, for my amusement, I kept a diary of every thing remarkable
that has occurred to my observation since the beginning of the voyage, till the
day on which I was put in irons; and the same method, was practised by Mr.
Thomson who copied mine.« - »A very likely story! (cried Mackshane) what
occasion was there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of
discovering what you had wrote? - but, what d'ye talk of Greek characters? -
D'ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek language, as not to distinguish its
letters from these, which are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not
give up my knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your
country.« So saying, with an unparalleled effronterie, he repeated some
gibberish, which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek
with the captain, who looking at me with a contemptible sneer, exclaimed, »Ah
ha! have you caught a tartar?« I could not help smiling at the consummate
assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the dispute to any body on
board, who understood the Greek alphabet: Upon which Morgan was brought back,
and being made acquainted with the affair, took the book and read a whole page
in English, without hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. - The
doctor was so far from being out of countenance at this, that he affirmed Morgan
was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention. - Oakhum said, »Ay, ay,
I see they are both in a story,« and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cock-loft,
although I proposed that he and I should read and translate separately, any
chapter or verse in the Greek-testament in his possession, by which it would
appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. - Not being endued with eloquence
enough to convince the captain that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in
this expedient, I begged to be examined by some unconcerned person on board, who
understood Greek: Accordingly the whole ship's company, officers and all, were
called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed, that if any of them could speak
Greek, he or they so qualified, should ascend the quarter-deck immediately. -
After some pause two fore-mast-men came up and professed their skill in that
language, which (they said) they acquired during several voyages to the Levant,
among the Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and
put my journal-book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could
neither read nor write; the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance, but
pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and addressing himself
to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did
not understand. - I asserted that the modern Greek was as different from that
spoke and written by the ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon
spoke in the time of Hengist, and as I had only learned the true original
tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the evangelists and other Great men of antiquity
wrote, it could not be supposed that I should know any thing of an imperfect
Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any
traces of the old expression. - But if doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be
master of the Greek language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I
would retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment he should
think proper to inflict. - I had no sooner uttered these words, than the surgeon
knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was
answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them, which they
affirmed to be Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other tar, who had
his cue in the language of the Morea from his companion, before they would
venture to assert such an intrepid falsehood. - »I thought (said Oakhum) we
should discover the imposture at last, - Let the rascal be carried back to his
confinement. - I find he must dangle.« - Having nothing further to urge in my
own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with
ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to my
fellow-prisoner, who hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands
and eyes to heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan; and not daring to disburthen
his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the centinel, burst
forth into a Welch song, which he accompanied with a thousand contortions of
face and violent gestures of body.
 

                                  Chapter XXXI

I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two of the
evidences; in consequence of which, I am set at liberty, and prevail upon Morgan
to accept of his freedom on the same terms -- Mackshane's malice -- we arrive at
Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction
with the West-Indian squadron -- we take in water, sail again, and arrive at
Carthagena -- reflections on our conduct there
 
Mean while, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one to be
revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of Mackshane's
dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming to the ears of the
doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in sight of Jamaica) we should have
an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and at the same
time, of making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he interceeded for us with
the captain so effectually, that in a few hours we were set at liberty, and
ordered to return to our duty. - This was a happy event for me, my whole body
being blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed for want of motion: But I
could not persuade the Welchman to accept of this indulgence, he persisting in
his obstinacy to remain in irons until he should be discharged by a
court-martial, which he believed would also do him justice on his enemies; at
length, I represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the power and
interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking
his resentment with his own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England:
This last argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed
upon him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than the
idea of my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled my
eyes with tears. - We discharged from our mess the boy who had acted so
perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, entreaties, and professions of
penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that the surgeon
had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of stockings and a
couple of old check shirts, which his servant had since plundered him of.
    The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we
detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate
finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and
his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on
Mackshane's man in oaths and execrations, threatning to prosecute him as a
thief. - The fellow swore in his turn that he never had the keys in his
possession till that time, when he received them from his master, with orders to
deliver them to us. - »As Got is my judge (cried Morgan) and my salfation, and
my witness, whosoever has pilfered my provisions, is a lousy, beggarly, rascally
knave! and by the soul of my grandsire! I will impeach, and accuse, and indict
him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.« - Had this happened at sea where
we could not repair the loss, in all probability, this descendant of Cadwallader
would have lost his wits entirely: but when I observed, how easy it would be to
make up for this paltry misfortune, he became more calm, and reconciled himself
to the occasion. - A little while after, the surgeon came into the birth, under
pretence of taking something out of the medicine-chest, and with a smiling
aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which (he said) he had been at great
pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour;
but he (the doctor) had passed his word for our conduct in time to come, and he
hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his kindness. - He expected (no
doubt) an acknowledgement from us for this pretended piece of service, as well as
a general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who were not
quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that if our
deliverance was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his
malice; I therefore sat silent while my companion answered, »Ay, ay, 'tis no
matter - Got knows the heart-there is a time for all things, as the wise man
saith, there is a time for throwing away stones, and a time to gather them up
again.« - He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in a pet,
muttering something about Ingratitude and Fellows, which we did not think fit to
take any notice of.
    Our fleet having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a
month in the harbour of Port-Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of
consequence was certainly transacted, notwithstanding the insinuations of some
who affirmed we had no business at all in that place - that in order to take the
advantage of the season proper for our enterprise, the West-Indian squadron,
which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west end
of Hispaniola with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we could have
sailed directly to Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves in a good
posture of defence, or indeed have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will,
we sailed from Jamaica, and in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the wind
as far as the isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, to attack the
French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; but before we arrived
they had sailed for Europe, having first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena
with an account of our being in these seas, as also of our strength and
destination. - We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood, and brackish
water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult the health of
the men, by restricting each to a quart a day. - At length we set sail, and
arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and
lay at our ease ten days longer. - Here again, certain malicious people take
occasion to blame the conduct of their superiors, by saying, this was not only
throwing away time, which was very precious considering the approach of the
rainy season, but also giving the Spaniards time to recollect themselves, and
recover from the consternation they were thrown into at the approach of an
English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in that part of
the world before. But if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I
would ascribe this delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take
any advantage that fortune might give them, even over an enemy. At last,
however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour's mouth,
where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on the beach, in despite
of the enemy's shot, which knocked a good many of them on the head. - This piece
of conduct in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy's fortification, which
I believe never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of
accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used to
discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a few months
before. - This again has furnished matter for censure against the Ministry, for
sending a few raw recruits on such an important enterprise, while so many
veteran regiments lay inactive at home: But surely our governours had their
reasons for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the
deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate
service; or, may be the colonels and field officers of the old corps, who,
generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sinecures or pensions, for some
domestick services rendered to the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous
and precarious undertaking; for which, no doubt, they are to be much commended.
 

                                 Chapter XXXII

Our land forces being disembarked, erect a faschine battery - our ship is
ordered with four more, to batter the fort of Bocca Chica -- Mackshane's
cowardice -- the chaplain's frenzy -- honest Rattlin loses one hand - his
heroism and reflections on the battle -- Crampley's behaviour to me during the
heat of the fight
 
Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set about
erecting a faschine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy, and in
something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the
Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined in a council of war,
that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the
battery plyed it on the other, strengthened with two mortars, and twenty-four
cohorns.
    Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was hoisted,
we being advertised the night before, to make every thing clear for that
purpose: and in so doing, a difference happened between captain Oakhum and his
well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had well nigh terminated in
an open rupture. - The doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of
being hurt by the enemy's shot in the cockpit than in the centre of the earth,
was lately informed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that place, by a
cannon-ball from two small forts, that were destroyed before the disembarkation
of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a platform raised for the
convenience of the sick and wounded, in the after-hold, where he deemed himself
more secure than on the deck above. - The captain, offended at this
extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusilanimity, and told him there was no
room in the hold for such an occasion; or if there was, he could not expect to
be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit
for that purpose: Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his
demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was authorised: The captain
swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were
never at sea; but was obliged to comply, and sent for the carpenter to give him
orders about it: But before any such measure could be taken, our signal was
thrown out, and the doctor compelled to trust his carcase in the cockpit, where
Morgan and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.
    Our ship, with the others destined for this service, immediately weighed,
and in less than half an hour came to an anchor before the castle of Bocca
Chica, with a spring upon our cable. - The cannonading (which indeed was
terrible!) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on the
deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed with us, in quality of
assistants, followed his example, while the Welchman and I sat upon a chest
looking at one another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the
like prostration. - And that the reader may know, it was not a common occasion
that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din
that astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from Bocca Chica
mounting eighty-four great guns, beside a mortar and small arms; from fort St.
Joseph, mounting thirty-six; from two faschine batteries, mounting twenty; and
from four men of war, mounting sixty-four guns each. - This was answered by us,
from our land battery, mounting twenty-one cannon; our bomb battery, mounting
two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five men of war, two of eighty, and
three of seventy guns, which fired without intermission. - We had not been many
minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought another on his back to the
cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch,
put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth, without speaking a word; Morgan
immediately examined the condition of the wounded man, and cried, »As I shall
answer now, the man is as tead as my great-grandfather.« - »Dead (said his
comrade) he may be dead now, for ought I know, but I'll be d-mn'd if he was not
alive when I took him up.« - So saying, he was about to return to his quarters,
when I bid him carry the body along with him and throw it over board. - »D-n the
body! (said he) I think 'tis fair enough if I take care of my own.« - My
fellow-mate snatching up the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the
cockpit ladder, crying, »You lousy rascal, is this the church-yard, or the
charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of the ship?« - but was stopped
in his carreer by one calling, »Yo ho, avast there - scaldings.« - »Scaldings!
(answered Morgan) Got knows 'tis hot enough indeed: - who are you?« - »Here's
one (replied the voice.«) and I immediately knew it to be that of my honest
friend Jack Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he
was come to be dock'd at last, and discovered the remains of one hand which had
been shattered to pieces with grape shot. - I lamented with unfeigned sorrow his
misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing, that every shot had
its commission: It was well it did not take him in the head; or if it had, what
then? he should have died bravely, fighting for his king and country: Death was
a debt which every man owed, and must pay now as well as another time. - I was
much pleased and edified with the maxims of this sea-philosopher, who endured
the amputation of his left hand without shrinking; the operation being performed
(at his request) by me, after Mackshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to
lift his head from the deck, had declared there was a necessity for his losing
the limb. - While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack's opinion
of the battle, who shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do
no good; »For why, because instead of dropping anchor close under shore, where
we should have had to deal with one corner of Bocca Chica only, we had opened
the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy from their
shipping and fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to
cannonade; that besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and
three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was scarce any
body on board, who understood the pointing of a gun. - Ah! God help us!
(continued he) if your kinsman lieutenant Bowling had been here, we should have
had other-guess-work.« - By this time our patients had increased to such a
degree, that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate plainly
told the surgeon, that if he did not get up immediately, and perform his duty,
he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his
warrant. - This effectually roused Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argument
in which he thought his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in
order to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle
of rum which he freely communicated to the chaplain and purser, who had as much
need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself: Being thus supported, he went
to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without mercy. - The fumes of the
liquor mounting into the parson's brain, conspired with his former agitation of
spirits, to make him quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin, and
besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be with-held from running upon deck
in that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalized at this deportment, endeavoured to
allay his transports with reason; but finding all he said ineffectual, and great
confusion occasioned by his frolicks, he knocked him down with his right hand,
and by threats kept him quiet in that state of humiliation. - But it was not in
the power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands,
and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer in
Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet. - While we diverted
ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot happened to take us between
wind and water, and its course being through the purser's store-room, made a
terrible havoc and noise among the jars and bottles in its way, and
disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropped his scalpel, and falling down on
his knees, pronounced his Pater-noster aloud; the purser fell backward and lay
without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with
one hand, could not keep him under; so that we were obliged to confine him in
the surgeon's cabin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagancies.
- Much about this time, my old antagonist Crampley came down, with express
orders (as he said) to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound
the captain had received by a splinter. His reason for honouring me in
particular with this piece of service, being that in case I should be killed or
disabled by the way, my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the
ship's company, than that of the doctor or his first mate. - At another time,
perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound to pay the
least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my compliance, I was
resolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid than he, to expose
myself to danger. - With this view, I provided myself with dressings, and
followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of
slaughter, fire, smoak, and uproar! Captain Oakhum, who leaned against the mizen
mast, no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to my
arm-pits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a
frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told him Crampley had
singled me out, as if by his express command; at which he seemed surprised, and
threatened to punish the midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement:
In the mean time, I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane,
that the captain expected him immediately. - I got safe back and delivered up my
commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by
his instructions. Hereupon, Morgan, who (I believe) was jealous of my reputation
for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity. - The
captain finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be dressed, and swore
he would confine Mackshane as soon as that service should be over.
 

                                 Chapter XXXIII

A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, take the place
without opposition -- our sailors at the same time become masters of all the
other strengths near Bocca Chica, and take possession of the harbour - the good
consequence of this success -- we move nearer the town -- find two forts
deserted, and the channel blocked up with sunk vessels; which however, we find
means to clear -- land our soldiers at La Quinta -- repulse a body of militia --
attack the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great loss -- the
remains of our army are re-imbarked -- an effort of the admiral to take the Town
- the economy of our expedition described
 
Having cannonaded the fort, during the space of four hours, we were all ordered
to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement was renewed, and
continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the enemy's fire from Bocca
Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite silenced. - A breach being made
on the other side, by our land-battery, large enough to admit a middle sized
baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it; our general proposed to
give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a detachment on that
duty: Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the hearts
of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained by
resolute men, to the day of judgment against all the force we could exert in the
attack. - And while our soldiers took possession of the enemy's ramparts,
without resistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made
themselves masters of fort St. Joseph, the faschine batteries, and one Spanish
man of war; the other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not
fall into our hands. - The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the
Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and
occasioned great joy among us; as we laid our accounts with finding little or no
opposition from the town: And indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up
immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and despair that our
unexpected success had produced among them, it is not impossible that we might
have finished the affair to our satisfaction, without any more blood-shed: but
this our Heroes disdained, as a barbarous insult over the enemy's distress; and
gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect themselves. -
In the mean time, Mackshane taking the advantage of this general exultation,
waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so effectually, that he was
re-established in his good graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice
taken of his behaviour towards me, during the action. - But of all the
consequences of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water,
after we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser's quart per diem
for each man, in the Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of
bodily fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of
twenty-four hours; especially, as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef,
to which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork of New England,
which though neither fish nor flesh, favoured of both; bread from the same
country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece of clock work, moved by its own
internal impulse, occasioned by the myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and
butter served out by the gill, that tasted like train-oil thickened with salt.
Instead of small-beer, each man was allowed three half quarterns of brandy or
rum, which was distributed every morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his
water, without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable, for which reason
this composition, was by the sailors not unaptly stiled Necessity. Nor was this
limitation of simple element owing to a scarcity of it on board, there being at
this time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of
half a gallon per day to each man: But this fast must (I suppose) have been
injoined by way of pennance on the ship's company for their sins; or rather with
a view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become
more resolute and regardless of danger. How simply then do those people argue,
who ascribe the great mortality among us, to our bad provision and want of
water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might have been saved, if
the useless transports had been employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit,
and other refreshments, from Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of
the army and fleet! seeing, it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a
better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained. - After
all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where
they behaved like their own country mastifs, which shut their eyes, run into the
jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their valour.
    But to return to my narration: After having put garrisons into the forts we
had taken, and re-imbarked our soldiers and artillery, which detained us more
than a week, we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a
large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which
were deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by
several old galleons that the enemy had sunk in the channel. - We made shift,
however, to open a passage for some ships of war, that favoured the second
landing of our troops at a place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where,
after a faint resistance from a body of Spaniards, who opposed their
disembarkation, they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St.
Lazar, which overlooked and commanded the city: Whether our renowned general had
no body in his army who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted
entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but certain it is, a
resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with musquetry
only, which was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy giving
them such an hearty reception, that the greatest part of the detachment took up
their everlasting residence on the spot. - Our chief not relishing this kind of
complaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough to retreat on board with the
remains of his army, which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach
near Bocca Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. - The sick
and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the name
of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title,
seeing none of them could boast of either surgeon, nurse or cook; and the space
between decks was so confined, that the miserable patients had not room to sit
upright in their beds. Their wounds and stumps being neglected, contracted filth
and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amid the corruption of
their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons;
though it is well known, that every great ship in the fleet could have spared
one at least for this duty, which would have been more than sufficient to remove
this shocking inconvenience: But, perhaps, the general was too much of a
gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow-chief, who on the other
hand, would not derogate so far from his own dignity, as to offer such
assistance unasked; for I may venture to affirm, that by this time, the Dæmon of
discord with her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our counsels; and
it might be said of these great men, (I hope they will pardon the comparison) as
of Cæsar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other was
impatient of an equal: So that between the pride of one, and insolence of
another, the enterprise miscarried, according to the proverb, »Between two
stools the backside falls to the ground.« - Not that I would be thought to liken
any public concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, although I might
with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang
an a - se at its disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to
compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a
joint-stool or a close-stool; but only signify by this simile, the mistake the
people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments that were never
joined.
    A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of the
Spanish men of war we had taken, to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned
with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town; accordingly,
she was towed into the inner harbour in the night-time, and moored within half a
mile of the walls, against which she began to fire at day-break; and continued
about four hours exposed to the opposition of at least forty pieces of cannon,
which at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they
could, in their boats. - This piece of conduct afforded matter of speculation to
all the wits, either in the army or the navy, who were at last fain to
acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their comprehension. - Some entertained
such an irreverent opinion of the admiral's understanding, as to think he
expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen guns:
Others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy's strength, by which he
would be able to compute the number of great ships that would be necessary to
bring the Spaniards to a capitulation: But this last conjecture soon appeared
groundless, in as much as no ships of any kind whatever were afterwards employed
on that service. - A third sort swore, that no other cause could be assigned for
this undertaking, than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A
fourth class (and that the most numerous, though without doubt, composed of the
sanguine and malicious) plainly taxed this commander with want of honesty as
well as sense; and alleged that he ought to have sacrificed private pique to
the interest of his country; that where the lives of so many brave fellow
citizens were concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general, without
being solicited or even desired, towards their preservation and advantage; that
if his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it was his
duty to render it as practicable as possible, without running extreme hazard;
that this could have been done, with a good prospect of success, by ordering
five or six large ships to batter the town while the land forces stormed the
castle, by this means, a considerable diversion would have been made in favour
of those troops, who in their march to the assault and in the retreat, suffered
much more from the town than from the castle; that the inhabitants seeing
themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted
and confused, and in all probability, unable to resist the assailants. - But all
these suggestions surely proceed from ignorance and malevolence, or else the
admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his return to England,
to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discerning. - True
it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot, asserted, there
was not water enough for our great ships near the town; tho' this was a little
unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly
well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water
enough for five eighty gun ships to lye a-breast in, almost up at the very
walls. - The disappointments we suffered, occasioned an universal dejection,
which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained
our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must inevitably happen, if we remained
much longer in this place. - Such was the economy in some ships, that, rather
than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their men
to throw the bodies overboard, many without either ballast or winding-sheet; so
that numbers of human carcasses floated in the harbour, until they were devoured
by sharks and carrion crows; which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who
survived. - At the same time the wet season began, during which, a deluge of
rain falls from the rising to the setting of the sun, without intermission; and
that no sooner ceases, than it begins to thunder and lighten with such continual
flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the illumination.
 

                                 Chapter XXXIV

An epidemick fever rages among us -- we abandon our conquests -- I am seized
with the distemper; write a petition to the captain, which is rejected -- I am
in danger of suffocation through the malice of Crampley; and relieved by a
sergeant -- my fever increases -- the chaplain wants to confess me -- I obtain a
favourable crisis - Morgan's affection for me proved - the behaviour of
Mackshane and Crampley towards me -- Captain Oakhum is removed into another ship
with his beloved doctor - our new captain described - an adventure of Morgan
 
The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phoenomenon, conspired with the
stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own constitutions
impoverished by bad provision, and our despair, to introduce the bilious fever
among us, which raged with such violence that three fourths of those whom it
invaded, died in a deplorable manner; the colour of their skin, being by the
extreme putrefaction of their juices, changed into that of soot.
    Our conductors finding things in this situation, perceived it was high time
to relinquish our conquests, which we did, after having rendered their artillery
useless and blown up their walls with gunpowder. - Just as we sailed from Bocca
Chica on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of
this terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance for my
life, if I should be obliged to lie in the cockpit, which by this time, was
grown intolerable even to people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholsome
smell of decayed provision; I wrote a petition to the captain representing my
case, and humbly imploring his permission to lie among the soldiers in the
middle-deck, for the benefit of the air: But I might have spared myself the
trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and ordered me to
continue in the place allotted for the surgeon's mates, or else be contented to
lie in the hospital, which, by the bye, was three degrees more offensive and
more suffocating than our own birth below. - Another in my condition, perhaps,
would have submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook the
thought of perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales of hard
fortune: I therefore, without minding Oakhum's injunction, prevailed upon the
soldiers (whose good-will I had acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and
actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation, which Crampley no
sooner understood, than he signified to the captain, my contempt of his orders;
and was invested with power to turn me down again into my proper habitation. -
This barbarous piece of revenge, incensed me so much against the author, that I
vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if ever it
should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my fever to a
violent degree. - While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was
visited by a sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights,
after they had been demolished by a splinter during our last engagement: He
being informed of my condition, offered me the use of his birth in the
middle-deck, which was enclosed with canvas and well-aired by a port-hole that
remained open within it. - I embraced this proposal with joy, and was
immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illness
lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by his grateful halberdier, who had
no other bed for himself than a hen-coop, during the whole passage. - Here I lay
and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding of which, my malady gained ground, and
at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recovery, even
when I had the mortification to see, from my cabin window, six or seven thrown
overboard every day, who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am
persuaded, conduced a good deal to the preservation of my life, especially, when
joined to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all
medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and
instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of the vital
fluid. - When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic boluses, I
put them in my mouth, 'tis true, but without any intention of swallowing them;
and when he went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel: I
seemingly complied in this manner, that I might not affront the blood of
Caractacus, by a refusal which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical
capacity; for he acted as my physician; doctor Mackshane never once enquiring
about me, or even knowing where I was. - When my distemper was at the height,
Morgan thought my case desperate, and after having applied a blister to the nape
of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woeful countenance, recommend
myself to Got and my reteemer; then taking his leave, desired the chaplain to
come and administer some spiritual consolation to me; but before he arrived, I
had made shift to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welchman had
bestowed on my back. - The parson having felt my pulse, enquired into the nature
of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: »Mr. Random, God out of his
infinite mercy hath been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the
issue of which no man knows. - You may be permitted to recover, and live many
days on the face of the earth: and, which is more probable, you may be taken
away and cut off in the flower of your youth: It is incumbent on you, therefore,
to prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this
there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingen'ous confession, which I conjure
you to make, without hesitation or mental reservation; and when I am convinced
of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of your
soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberless
transgressions, to which youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom,
and adultery; tell me therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each,
especially of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your
conscience: For no physician will prescribe for his patient until he knows the
circumstances of his disease.« As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I
could not help smiling at the doctor's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told
him savoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending
auricular confession, a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation,
and which, for that reason, I declined. - This reply disconcerted him a little;
however, he explained away his meaning, in making learned distinctions between
what was absolutely necessary, and what was only convenient; then proceeded to
ask what religion I professed: I answered, that I had not as yet considered the
difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular,
but that I was bred a Presbyterian. - At this word the chaplain discovered great
astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend how a Presbyterian was entitled
to any post under the English government. - Then he asked if I had ever received
the Sacrament, or taken the oaths; to which I replying in the negative, he held
up his hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a
state of reprobation; and returned to his mess-mates, who were making merry in
the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo2 and wine. - This
insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me, as the fever,
which, soon after he had left me, grew outragious; I began to see strange
chimeras, and concluded myself on the point of becoming delirious: But before
that happened, was in great danger of suffocation, upon which I started up in a
kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea, and as my
friend the sergeant was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some
purpose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get
out of my hammock: The appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection
and resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by
tearing the shirt from my body and the sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself
in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt
the pains of hell; but it was not long before I was recompensed for my suffering
by a profuse sweat, that bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less
than two hours, relieved me from all my complaints, except that of weakness; and
left me as hungry as a kite. - I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I
was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of my future happiness, when I
heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant, if I was still
alive? »Alive! (cried the other) God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain
quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep will do him
great service.« - »Ay, (said my fellow-mate) he sleeps so sound, (look you) that
he will never waken till the great trump plows. - Got be merciful to his soul. -
He has paid his debt, like an honest man. - Ay, and moreover, he is at rest from
all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Got knows, and I
know, he had his own share. - Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth indeed!«
- So saying, he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a manner, as
persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. - The sergeant, alarmed at his
words, came into the birth, and while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipt him
the wink; he immediately guessed my meaning, and remained silent, which
confirmed Morgan in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he approached with
tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with a sight of the object: And
I counterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes, and droping my under-jaw, that
he said, »There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Got help me.« And
observed by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong sturggle. I
should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to
perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth; upon which,
I suddenly snapped at his fingers, and discomposed him so much, that he started
back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of horror! Although I
could not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation,
and stretched out my hand, telling him, I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy
of his making in England. - It was some time before he could recollect himself
so far as to feel my pulse, and enquire into the particulars of my disease: But
when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my
good fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Got, to the blister he had
applied to my back, at his last visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now be
removed and dressed: He was actually going to fetch dressings, when I feigning
astonishment, said, »Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to me - there is
nothing on my back, I assure you.« - Of this he could not be convinced till he
had examined, and then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his
surprise in finding the skin untouched, and the plaster missing. - In order to
excuse myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to
have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards,
in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who on this occasion
abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to punctilios; and as we were now
safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh provision, and other
refreshments, I recovered strength every day, and in a short time, my health and
vigour were perfectly reestablished. - When I got up at first, and was just able
to crawl about the deck, with a staff in my hand, I met doctor Mackshane, who
passed by me with a disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one
word: After him came Crampley, who strutting up to me, with a fierce
countenance, pronounced, »Here's fine discipline on board, when such lazy
sculking sons of b-ches as you, are allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop
at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard duty!« - The sight and
behaviour of this malicious scoundrel, enraged me so much, that I could scarce
refrain from laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present
feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to
ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had
not forgot his insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on
shore. - At this he grinned, shook his fist at me, and swore he longed for
nothing more than such an opportunity.
    Mean while, our ship was ordered to be heaved down, victualled and watered,
for her return to England; and our captain, for some reason or other, not
thinking it convenient for him to revisit his native country at this time,
exchanged with a gentleman, who on the other hand, wished for nothing so much,
as to be safe without the tropick; all his care and tenderness of himself, being
insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun and
weather.
    Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane along
with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction; our new commander came on board, in
a ten-oar'd barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in everything
quite the reverse of Oakhum, being a tall, thin, young man, dressed in this
manner; a white hat garnished with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence
his hair flowed down upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon.
- His coat, consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance
of the cut retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat
embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part, to display a broch set with
garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the finest
cambrick, edged with right mechlin. The knees of his crimson velvet breeches
scarce descended so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot
or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond
buckles, that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with
figures of gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich
tossle, equipped his side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his
wrist: - But the most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his
face, and white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an
intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a ring set with a
ruby on the little finger of one hand, and by one set with a topaz on that of
the other. - In this garb, captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took
possession of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in
their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's disposition; and the air
was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the clime of
Arabia Foelix was not half so sweet-scented. - My fellow-mate, observing no
surgeon among his train, thought he had found an occasion too favourable for
himself to be neglected; and remembering the old proverb, »Spare to speak, and
spare to speed,« resolved to sollicit the new captain's interest immediately,
before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. - With this view he
repaired to the cabin, in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check-shirt and
trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a night-cap of the same, neither very
clean, which for his further misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. -
Entering without any ceremony, into this sacred place, he found captain Whiffle
reposing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a
muslin cape bordered with lace upon his head; and after several low conge's,
began in this manner: - »Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon
the presumption of one who has not the honour of being known unto you, but who
is, nevertheless, a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes,
Got help me, in the world.« - Here he was interrupted by the captain, who at
first sight of him had started up with great amazement at the novelty of the
apparition; and having recollected himself, pronounced, with a look and tone
signifying disdain, curiosity and surprise, »Zauns! who art thou?« - »I am
surgeon's first mate on board of this ship (replied Morgan) and I most
vehemently desire and beseech you with all submission, to be pleased to
condescend and vouchsafe to enquire into my character, and my pehaviour, and my
deserts, which, under Got, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.« -
As he proceeded in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whose
nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatick flavour that exhaled from
him, than he cried with great emotion, »Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! -
Fellow, Fellow, away with thee! - Curse thee, fellow! get thee gone, - I shall
be stunk to death!« - At the noise of his outcries, his servants run into his
apartment, and he accosted them thus; »Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am
betrayed! I am sacrificed! - Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be
stifled with the stench of him? oh! oh!« - With these interjections, he sunk
down upon his settee in a fit; his valet de chamber plied him with a
smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with Hungary water, another
sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, and a third pushed Morgan out of
the cabin; who coming to the place where I was, sat down with a demure
countenance, and, according to his custom, when he received any indignity which
he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welch ditty. - I guessed he was under some
agitation of spirits, and desired to know the cause; but instead of answering me
directly, he asked with great emotion, if I thought him a monster and a
stinkard? »A monster and a stinkard (said I, with some surprise) did any body
call you so?« - »Got is my judge (replied he) captain Fifle did call me both;
ay, and all the water in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. - I do
affirm, and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look
you, that I have no smells about me, but such as a christian ought to have,
except the effluvia of topacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatick
herb, and he is a son of a mountain-goat who says otherwise. - As for my being a
monster, let that be as it is; I am as Got was pleased to create me, which,
peradventure, is more than I shall aver of him who gave me that title; for I
will proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised and transfigured, and
transmographied with affectation and whimsies; and that he is more like a papoon
than one of the human race.«
 

                                  Chapter XXXV

Captain Whiffle sends for me -- his situation described -- his surgeon arrives,
prescribes for him, and puts him to bed - a bed is put up for Mr. Simper
contiguous to the state-room, which, with other parts of the captain's
behaviour, gives the ship's company a very unfavourable idea of their commander
- I am detained in the West-Indies, by the admiral, and go on board of the
Lizard sloop of war, in quality of surgeon's mate, where I make myself known to
the Surgeon, who treats me very kindly -- I go on shore, sell my ticket,
purchase necessaries, and at my return on board, am surprised at the sight of
Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of the sloop -- we sail on a cruize --
take a prize, in which I arrive at Port Morant, under the command of my mess
mate, with whom I live in great harmony
 
He was going on, with an elogium upon the captain, when I received a message to
clean myself, and go up to the great cabin, which I immediately performed,
sweetening myself with rosewater from the medicine-chest. When I entered the
room, I was ordered to stand by the door, until captain Whiffle had reconnoitred
me at a distance, with a spy-glass, who having consulted one sense in this
manner, bid me advance gradually, that his nose might have intelligence, before
it could be much offended: I therefore approached with great caution and
success, and he was pleased to say, »Ay, this creature is tolerable.« - I found
him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head supported by his valet
de chamber, who from time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his nose. -
»Vergette, (said he, in a squeaking tone) dost thou think this wretch (meaning
me) will do me no injury? may I venture to submit my arm to him?« - »Pon my
vord, (replied the valet) I do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour
losing one small quantite of blodt; and the yong mun ave quique chose of de
bonne mine.« - »Well then (said his master) I think I must venture.« - Then
addressing himself to me, »Hast thou ever blooded any body but brutes? - But I
need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most damnable lie.« - »Brutes, Sir,
(answered I, pulling down his glove in order to feel his pulse) I never meddle
with brutes.« - »What the devil art thou about? (cried he) dost thou intend to
twist off my hand? Gad's curse! my arm is benumbed up to the very shoulder!
Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the hands of savages? What an
unfortunate dog was I to come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper.« - I
craved pardon for having handled him so roughly, and with the utmost care and
tenderness tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was feeling for the
vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from him, and when I
answered, »Not above twelve ounces,« started up with a look full of horror, and
bid me begone, swearing I had a design upon his life. - Vergette appeased him
with some difficulty, and opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in one of
which was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hand, told me, the
captain never lost above an ounce and three drachms at one time. - While I
prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabin, a young man,
gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion, with a kind of languid smile on
his face, which seemed to have been rendered habitual, by a long course of
affectation. - The captain no sooner perceived him, than rising hastily, he flew
into his arms, crying, »O! my dear Simper! I am excessively disordered! I have
been betrayed, frighted, murdered by the negligence of my servants, who suffered
a beast, a mule, a bear to surprise me, and stink me into convulsions with the
fumes of tobacco.« - Simper, who by this time, I found, was obliged to art for
the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of softness and sympathy, and
lamented with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had
thrown him into that condition; then feeling his patient's pulse on the outside
of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous,
and that some drops of tincture of castor and liquid laudanum, would be of more
service to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits,
and composing the fermentation of his bile proceeding therefrom. - I was
therefore sent to prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass
of sack-posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the
officers on the quarter-deck, to let no body walk on that side under which he
lay.
    While the captain enjoyed his repose, the doctor watched over him, and
indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the
state-room, where Whiffle slept; that he might be at hand in case of accidents
in the night. - Next day, our commander being happily recovered, gave orders,
that none of the lieutenants should appear upon deck, without a wig, sword, and
ruffles; nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt
or dirty linen. - He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his
own servants, from coming into the great cabin, without first sending in to
obtain leave. - These singular regulations did not prepossess the ship's company
in his favour; but on the contrary, gave scandal an opportunity to be very busy
with his character, and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with his
surgeon, not fit to be named.
    In a few weeks, our ship was under sailing orders, and I was in hopes of
re-visiting my native country in a very short time, when the admiral's surgeon
came on board, and sending for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave me to
understand, there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West-Indies, that he
was commanded to detain one mate out of every great ship that was bound for
England; and desired us to agree among ourselves, before the next day at that
hour, which of us should stay behind. - We were thunder-struck at this proposal,
and stared at one another some time, without speaking; at length the Welchman
broke silence, and offered to remain in the West-Indies, provided the admiral
would give him a surgeon's warrant immediately: But he was told there was no
want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the station of mate,
till he should be further provided for in due course: Whereupon Morgan flatly
refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of the navy had appointed
him; and the other told him as plainly, that if we could not determine the
affair by ourselves before tomorrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his
chance. - When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in
England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my
advancement in the navy, and at the same time, reflected on the present dearth
of surgeons in the West-Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, which
every day, almost, reduced the number, I could not help thinking my success
would be much more certain and expeditious, by staying where I was, than by
returning to Europe. - I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and
next day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan, he needed not trouble
himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admiral's pleasure. - This frank
declaration was commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare
the worse with me for my resignation: Indeed he was as good as his word, and
that very afternoon, procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon's mate of the
Lizzard sloop of war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the
service.
    My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe that
was alongside, and having shook hands with my trusty friend the sergeant, and
honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich-hospital, I took my leave of
Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve- as remembrances of
each other. - Having presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I
enquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw, than I recollected him to be one
of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the round-house, during
our frolick with Jackson, as I have related before. - He received me with a good
deal of courtesy, and when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance,
expressed great joy in seeing me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good
mess, composed of the gunner and the master's mate. - As there was not one sick
person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore, next day, with the gunner, who
recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket, at the rate of 40 per cent.
discount; and having furnished myself with what necessaries I wanted, returned
on board in the evening, and to my great surprise, found my old antagonist
Crampley walking upon deck. - Tho' I did not fear his enmity, I was shocked at
his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. Tomlins,
the surgeon, who told me, that Crampley, by the dint of some friends about the
admiral, had procured a commission constituting him lieutenant on board the
Lizzard: and advised me, now he was my superior officer, to behave with some
respect towards him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me
ill. - This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had
rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of reconciliation
with the wretch, who had, on many occasions, treated me so inhumanly: However, I
resolved to have as little connexion as possible with him, and to ingratiate
myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers, whose friendship might
be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.
    In less than a week we sailed on a cruize, and having got round the east end
of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish Barcolongo, with her
prize, which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a
fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners who were well, were put on
shore on the northside of the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen,
and the command of the Barcolongo, given to my friend the master's mate, with
orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizzard's
cruize should be ended, at which time she would touch at the same place in her
way to Port-Royal. - With him I was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well
as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore, in a
house that was to be hired as an hospital. - This destination gave me a great
deal of pleasure, as I would, for some time, be freed from the arrogance of
Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already broke out on two or three
occasions, since he was become a lieutenant. - My mess-mate, who very much
resembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the
prize, with the utmost civility and confidence; and among other favours, made me
a present of a silver hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with the same
metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy. - We arrived safely at
Morant, and going ashore, pitched upon an empty store-house, which we hired for
the reception of the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and
other necessaries; and four of the ship's company appointed to attend them, and
obey me.
 

                                 Chapter XXXVI

A strange adventure - in consequence of which I am extremely happy -- Crampley
does me ill offices with the captain: But his malice is defeated by the
good-nature and friendship of the surgeon -- we return to Port-Royal -- our
captain gets the command of a larger ship, and is succeeded by an old man --
Brayl is provided for -- we receive orders to sail for England
 
When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander, whose name
was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich planter, with whom
he was acquainted; where we were sumptuously entertained, and in the evening set
out on our return to the ship. When we had walked about a mile by moonlight, we
perceived a horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us good even, and asked
which way we went: His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck
my ear, than, in spite of all my resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up,
and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl mis-interpreting,
bid me be under no concern, for he would stand by me. - I told him, he was
mistaken in the cause of my disorder; and addressing myself to the person on
horse-back, said, »I could have sworn by your voice, that you was a dear friend
of mine, if I had not been certain of his death.« - To this, after some pause,
he replied, »There are many voices as well as faces that resemble one another;
but pray, what was your friend's name?« I satisfied him in that particular, and
gave a short detail of the melancholy fate of Thomson, not without many sighs
and some tears. A silence ensued which lasted some minutes, and then the
conversation turned on indifferent subjects, till we arrived at a house on the
road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness, that we
would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we could not resist. - But
if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement be, when I discovered by
the light, the very person of my lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which
was extreme, he clasped me in his arms and bedewed my face with tears. - It was
some time ere I recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with this event, and
longer still before I could speak. So that all I was capable of, was to return
his embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; while honest
Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his
participation of our happiness, by hugging us both, and capering about the room
like a mad-man. - At length I retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried, »Is it
possible, can you be my friend Thomson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned! and
I am now under the deception of a dream!« - Then I relapsed into tears. - He was
at great pains to convince me of his being the individual person whom I
regretted, and bidding me sit down and compose myself, promised to explain his
sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to account for his being at present
in the land of the living. - This he acquitted himself of, after I had drank a
glass of punch, and recollected myself; by informing us, that with a
determination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he had gone in the
night-time to the head, while the ship was on her way, from whence he slipped
down, as softly as he could by the bows, into the sea, where, after he was
heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation, and as he could swim
very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the
ships astern; - that in this situation, he hailed a large vessel and begged to
be taken in, but was answered, that she was a heavy sailor, and therefore they
did not choose to lose time, by bringing to; however, they threw an old chest
over-board, for his convenience, and told him, that some of the ships a-stern
would certainly save him; - that no other vessel came within sight or cry of
him, for the space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification of
finding himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without support or
resting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at last, he discerned
a small sloop steering towards him, upon which he set up his throat, and had the
good fortune to be heard and rescued from the dreary waste, by their boat, which
was hoisted out on purpose. - »I was no sooner brought on board (continued he)
than I fainted; and when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled
with a most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at first,
that I was in my own hammock, along-side of honest Morgan, and that all which
had passed was no more than a dream. - Upon enquiry I understood that I was on
board of a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo
of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese; and that the master's name was Robertson, by
birth a North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old school-fellow of
mine. - When I discovered myself to him, he was transported with surprise and
joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit
to disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to religion, were very
severe and confined; therefore contented myself with telling him, I fell
over-board by accident; but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my
disagreeable station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never to
return to the Thunder man of war.« - »Although he was not of my opinion in that
particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes, and what pay was due to me,
unless I went back to my duty; yet, when I described the circumstances of the
hellish life I led, under the tyrannic sway of Oakhum and Mackshane; and among
other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my
ship-mates, and the want of the true Presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed
his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all
thoughts of rising in the navy; and that he might show how much he had my
interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before he
should leave Jamaica. - This he performed to my heart's desire, by recommending
me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since, in quality of
surgeon and overseer to his plantations. - He and his lady are now at Kingston,
so that I am, for the present, master of this house, to which from my soul, I
bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company during the
remaining part of the night.« - I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl,
who was a diligent and excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of
the ship: However, he supped with us, and after having drank a cheerful glass,
set out for the vessel, which was not above three miles from the place, escorted
by a couple of stout Negroes, whom Mr. Thomson ordered to conduct him. - Never
were two friends more happy in the conversation of one another than we, for the
time it lasted: I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon Carthagena,
of which he had heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a
narration of every little incident of his life since we parted. - He assured me,
it was with the utmost reluctance, he could resist his inclination of coming
down to Port-Royal to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since
the day of our separation; but that he was restrained by the fear of being
detained as a deserter. - He told me, that when he heard my voice in the dark,
he was almost as much surprised as I was at seeing him afterwards; and in the
confidence of friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the only
daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his description, was a
very amiable young lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he was very
much favoured by her parents, and did not despair of obtaining their consent to
the match, which would at once render him independent of the world. - I
congratulated him on his good fortune, which he protested should never make him
forget his friend; and towards morning we betook ourselves to rest.
    Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained him at
dinner, and having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in the
evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his
affection. - In short, while we staid here, we saw one another every day, and
generally eat at the same table, which was plentifully supplied by him, with all
kinds of poultry, butcher's meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-aples,
Madeira-wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten days, was by
far the most agreeable period of my life.
    At length, the Lizzard arrived; and as my patients were all fit for duty,
they and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins,
that there was a dryness between the lieutenant and him, on my account; that
rancorous villain having taken the opportunity of my absence, to fill the
captain's ears with a thousand scandalous stories, to my prejudice; among other
things affirming, that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I
was in the Thunder man of war I had been whipped for the same crime. - The
surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from my own mouth,
defended me strenuously, and in the course of that good-natured office,
recounted all the instances of Crampley's malice against me, while I remained on
board of that ship. - Which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my
innocence, made the lieutenant as much my defender's enemy as mine. This
infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to my former
resentment, that at certain times, I was quite beside myself with the desire of
revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an
infamous death must inevitably have been my reward. - But the surgeon, who was
my confident, argued against such a desperate action so effectually, that I
stifled the flame which consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait a more
convenient opportunity. - In the mean time, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more
convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's slander, I begged he would
go and visit Mr. Thomson, whose wonderful escape I had made him acquainted with,
and enquire of him into the particulars of my conduct, while he was my
fellow-mate. This the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a
person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good opinion of
me, which, he assured me, was already firmly established. - He therefore set out
for the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and
being received with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the
ship, not only satisfied with my character, beyond the power of doubt or
insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conversation of Thomson,
who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stock, liquors and fruit. As he
would not venture to come and see us on board, lest Crampley should know and
detain him, when the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go
and bid him farewell. - After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed
upon me a purse with four double dubloons, which I refused as long as I could,
without giving umbrage; and having cordially embraced each other, I returned on
board, where I found a small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of
Mr. Tomlins. - Knowing the superscription to be of Thomson's handwriting, I
opened it with some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not
contented with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent for my
use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linnen waistcoats and
caps, with twelve pair of new thread-stockings. - Being thus provided with
money, and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon myself
as a gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride dilate apace.
    Next day we sailed for Port-Royal, where we arrived safely with our prizes;
and as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and having purchased a
laced waistcoat, with some other clothes at a vendue, made a swaggering figure
for some days, among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard,
and came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket. Mean while our captain was
promoted to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizzard given to a man
turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign of king William to
this time, and notwithstanding his long service, would have probably died in
that station, had he not employed some prize-money he had lately received, to
make interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer about
the same time, after he had served in quality of midshipman and mate five and
twenty years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship to
carry home dispatches for the ministry; accordingly we set sail for England,
having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the
occasion.
 

                                 Chapter XXXVII

We depart for Europe -- a misunderstanding arises between the captain and
surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley -- the captain dies -
Crampley tyrannizes over the surgeon, who falls a victim to his cruelty -- I am
also ill used -- the ship strikes - the behaviour of Crampley and the seamen on
that occasion. -- I get on shore, challenge the captain to single combat -- am
treacherously knocked down, wounded and robbed
 
Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt
excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal island, which
has been the grave of so many Europeans; and as I was accommodated with every
thing to render the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the
insolence of Crampley would permit. - This insidious slanderer had found means
already to cause a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who by his
age and infirmities was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition having
also been sowred by a long course of disappointments, and had a particular
aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he considered as
unnecessary animals on board of a ship. - In consequence of these sentiments, he
never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit
of the gout and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland-gin, which was his
sovereign prescription against all distempers: But whether he was at this time
too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in
the night, without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always despised,
and was found stiff, next morning, to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who
succeeded to the command of the vessel. - For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and
I had no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new
commander would now be as unlimited as his power. - The first day of his command
justified our apprehension: For on pretence that the decks were too much
crowded, he ordered the surgeon's hen-coops, with all his fowls, to be thrown
over-board; and at the same time, prohibited him and me from appearing on the
quarter-deck. Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in
the course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley
taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a few days, for want of air,
he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after having made
his will, by which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his
sister; and left to me his watch and instruments, as remembrances of his
friendship. - I was penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion! the more
because there was no body on board, to whom I could communicate my griefs, or of
whom I could receive the least consolation or advice. - Crampley was so far from
discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon's
death, that he insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he
had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial
for mutiny; for which reason, he would not suffer the service of the dead to be
read over his body before it was thrown over-board.
    Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the brutal
sway of this bashaw; who to render my life the more irksome, signified to my
mess-mates, a desire that I should be expelled from their society. - This was no
sooner hinted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat in a
solitary manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which however soon
drew to a period.
    We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain, that by
his reckoning we must be in soundings, and desired he would order the lead to be
heaved. - Crampley swore, he did not know how to keep the ship's way, for we
were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he would not give
himself the trouble to cast the lead. - Accordingly, we continued our course all
that afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner pretented
to discover Scilly light; and next morning protested in form against the
captain's conduct; for which he was put in confinement. - We discovered no land
all that day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect sounding: But
at three o'clock in the morning, the ship struck, and remained fast on a sand
bank. This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted
out, but as we could not discern which way the shore lay, we were obliged to
wait for day-light. In the mean time, the wind increased, and the waves beat
against the sloop with such violence, that we expected she would have gone to
pieces. The gunner was released and consulted: He advised the captain to cut
away the mast, in order to lighten her; this was performed without success: The
sailors seeing things in a desperate situation, according to custom, broke up
the chests belonging to the officers, dressed themselves in their clothes, drank
their liquors without ceremony; and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued. -
In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects; and found
the carpenter's mate hewing down the purser's cabin with his hatchet, whistling
all the while, with great composure. When I asked his intention in so doing, he
replied very calmly, »I only want to taste the purser's rum, that's all,
master.« - At that instant the purser coming down, and seeing his effects going
to wreck, complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the fellow
what occasion he had for liquor, when in all likelihood he would be in eternity
in a few minutes. »All's one for that (said the plunderer) let us live while we
can.« - »Miserable wretch that thou art! (cried the purser) what must be thy lot
in the other world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery?« - »Why, hell, I
suppose, (replied the other, with great deliberation,)« while the purser fell on
his knees and begged of heaven that we might not all perish for the sake of one
Jonas. - During this dialogue, I clothed myself in my best apparel, girded on
my hanger, stuck my pistols loaded in my belt, disposed of all my valuable
moveables about my person, and came upon deck, with a resolution of taking the
first opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke, appeared at the
distance of three miles a-head. - Crampley finding his efforts to get the ship
off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat,
which he had no sooner done, than the ship's company followed so fast, that she
would have sunk along-side, had not some one wiser than the rest cut the rope
and put off. - But before this happened, I had made several attempts to get in,
and was always baulked by the captain, who was so eager in excluding me, that he
did not mind the endeavours of any other body. - Enraged at this inhuman
partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt,
and cocking it, swore I would shoot any man who should presume to obstruct my
entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on board of the
boat with the loss of the skin of one of my shins. - I chanced in my descent to
overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than he struck at me several times with
a cutlass, and ordered the men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious
about their own safety to mind what he said. - Though the boat was very deeply
loaded, and the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less
than an hour after we parted from the sloop. - As soon as I set foot on terra
firma, my indignation, which had boiled so long within me, broke out against
Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single combat, presenting my pistols,
that he might take his choice: He took one without hesitation, and before I
could cock the other fired in my face throwing the pistol after the shot. - I
felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain, discharged
mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged; then flying upon my
antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth with the but-end of the piece;
and would certainly have made an end of him with that instrument, had he not
disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant
when he received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my hanger,
and having flung my pistol at his head, closed with him in a transport of fury,
and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his ear. -
Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the
ground made him reel, I know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed
close, and with one stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, upon which
his cutlass dropped, and he remained defenceless. - I know not with what cruelty
my rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that instant, been felled to the
ground by a blow on the back part of my head, which deprived me of all
sensation. - When I received the use of my understanding, I found myself alone
in a desolate place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch, buckles, and every
thing but my shoes, stockings, breeches, and shirt. - What a discovery must this
be to me, who but an hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the
hour of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not swallow
me up, the poignard of the enemy, which could not find the way to my heart, the
villainy of those who had left me in that miserable condition, and in the
exstacy of despair, resolved to lie still where I was and perish.
 

                                Chapter XXXVIII

I get up, and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing thro' the
fear of the country people -- their inhumanity -- I am succoured by a reputed
witch -- her story -- her advice -- she recommends me as a valet to a single
lady, whose character she explains
 
But as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered my situation
in quite another light from that in which it appeared to me at first, and the
result of my deliberation was to get up if I could, and crawl to the next
inhabited place for assistance. - With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and
having examined my body, found I had received no other injury than two large
contused wounds, one on the fore and another on the hinder part of my head;
which seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon; namely, the butt-end of a
pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains of the ship;
which made me conclude she had gone to pieces, and that those who remained in
her had perished: But, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more
sagacity than Crampley, observing that it was flood when we left her, and that
she would possibly float at high-water, made no noise about getting on shore,
but continued on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after
the commander had deserted her, for which he expected, no doubt, to be
handsomely rewarded. - This he accordingly performed, and was promised great
things by the admiralty for saving his Majesty's ship; but I never heard he
reaped the fruits of his expectation. - As for my own part, I directed my course
towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked up a seaman's old
jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself in my clothes, had thrown
away; this was a very comfortable acquisition to me, who was almost stiff with
cold: I therefore put it on, and as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which
had left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that finding myself excessively
exhausted, I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on my
left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to stagger, and
finding the door open, went in, but saw no body; upon which I threw myself upon
a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other. - I had
not lain here many minutes, when I saw a country-man come in with a pitch-fork
in his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting into the straw that
concealed me, and in all probability would have done my business, had I not
uttered a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak. - This
melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and discovering a body all
besmeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitch-fork extended before him,
his hair erect, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open.
- At another time, I should have been much diverted with this figure, which
preserved the same attitude very near a quarter of an hour, during which time I
made many unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my
tongue failed me, and my language was only a repetition of groans: At length an
old man arrived, who seeing the other in such a posture, cried, »Mercy upon en!
the leaad's bewitch'd! - why Dick, beest thou besayd thyself?« - Dick, without
moving his eyes from the object that terrified him, replied, »O vather! vather!
here be either the devil or a dead mon: I doan't know which o'en, but a groans
woundily.« - The father, whose eyesight was none of the best, pulled out his
spectacles, and having applied them to his nose, reconnoitred me over his son's
shoulder: But no sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a fit of
shaking, even more violent than Dick's, and with a broken accent addressed me
thus: »In the name of the Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghosty, I charge you an you been
Satan to begone to the Red-Zea; but an you be a moordered mon, speak, that you
may have a christom burial.« - As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in
this particular, he repeated his conjuration to no purpose; and they continued a
good while in the agonies of fear. - At length the father proposed, that the son
should draw nearer and take a more distinct view of the apparition; but Dick was
of opinion that his father should advance first, as being an old man past his
labour, and if he received any mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas
he himself might escape, and be useful in his generation. - This prudential
reason had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick between me and him. -
In the mean time I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but
had only strength sufficient to cause a rustling among the straw, which
discomposed the young peasant so much, that he sprung out at the door, and
overthrew his father in his flight. - The old gentleman would not spend time in
getting up, but crawled backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had got
over the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the way. - I was exceedingly
mortified to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance and
cowardice of these clowns; and felt my spirits decay apace, when an old woman
entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives, and with great intrepidity
advanced to the place where I lay, saying, »If it be the devil I fearen not, and
for a dead mon a can do us no harm.« - When she saw my condition, she cried
»Here be no devil, but in youren fool's head. - Here be a poor miserable wretch,
bleeding to death, and if he dies, we must be at the charge of burying him;
therefore Dick, go vetch the old wheel-barrow and puten in, and carry him to
good-man Hodge's back-door, he is more eable than we to lay out money upon poor
vagrants.« - Her advice was taken, and immediately put in execution: I was
rolled to the other farmer's door, where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung;
and would certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not
disturbed the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation. - But
Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to be
carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise as well as
to preach charity: observing that it was sufficient for him to pay his quota
toward the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish. - When I was set
down at the vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened to
excommunicate him who sent as well as those who brought me, unless they would
move me immediately to another place. - About this time I fainted with the
fatigue I had undergone, and afterwards understood that I was bandied from door
to door through a whole village, no body having humanity enough to administer
the least relief to me, until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by
the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and
having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own
preparing. - I was treated with great care and tenderness by this grave matron,
who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know the particulars of my
last disaster. - This piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had
saved my life, therefore related all my adventures without exaggeration or
reserve. She seemed surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a
happy presage of my future life, from my past sufferings, then launched out into
the praise of adversity with so much ardour and good sense, that I concluded she
was a person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to hear
her story. - She perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling, told
me, there was nothing either entertaining or extraordinary in the course of her
fortune; but however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of the
confidence I had reposed in her. - »It is of little consequence (said she) to
tell the names of my parents, who are dead many years ago: let it suffice to
assure you, they were wealthy, and had no other child than me, so that I was
looked upon as heiress to a considerable estate, and tiezed with addresses on
that account. Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no
fortune, whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in which at
that time he bore a lieutenant's commission. - I conceived an affection for this
amiable officer, which in a short time increased to a violent passion, and,
without entering into minute circumstances, married him privately. - We had not
enjoyed one another long, in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his
regiment to Flanders; but before he set out, it was agreed between us, that he
should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his pardon for
the step we had taken without his approbation. - This was done while I was
abroad visiting, and just as I was about to return home, I received a letter
from my father, importing, that since I had acted so undutifully and meanly, as
to marry a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his
family, as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the
miserable fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me never to set foot
within his doors again. - This rigid sentence was confirmed by my mother, who,
in a postscript, gave me to understand that her sentiments were exactly
conformable to those of my father, and that I might save myself the trouble of
making any applications, for her resolution was unalterable. - Thunderstruck
with my evil fortune, I called a coach and drove to my husband's lodgings, where
I found him waiting the event of his letter. - Though he could easily divine by
my looks, the issue of his declaration, he read with great steadiness the
epistle I had received; and with a smile full of tenderness, which I shall never
forget, embraced me, saying, I believe the good lady your mother might have
spared herself the trouble of the last part of her postscript. - Well, my dear
Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can procure the
command of a regiment. - Thus unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled me to
support my reverse of fortune, at the same time endeared him to me the more, by
convincing me of his disinterested views in espousing me. - I was next day
boarded in company with the wife of another officer, who had long been friend
and confident of my husband, at a village not far from London, where they parted
with us in the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed in sight
of one another at the battle of the Wood. Why should I tire you with a
description of our unutterable sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the
remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes with tears! When our grief subsided
a little, and reflection came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the
whole world, and in danger of perishing for want: Whereupon we made application
for the pension, and were put upon the list. Then vowing eternal friendship,
sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, retired to this place (which is in the
county of Sussex) bought this little house, where we lived many years in a
solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, 'till it pleased heaven to call
away my companion, two years ago; since which time I have lingered out an
unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I promise myself the
eternal reward of all my cares. - In the mean time, (continued she) I must
inform you of the character I bear among my neighbours. - My conversation being
different from that of the inhabitants of the village, my recluse way of life,
my skill in curing distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here,
and lastly, my age, have made the common people look upon me as something
preternatural, and I am actually at this hour believed to be a witch. The parson
of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not been at much pains to cultivate,
taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has contributed not a little towards
the confirmation of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice,
among the vulgar, who are also very much scandalized at my entertaining this
poor tabby cat with the collar about her neck, which was a favourite of my
deceased companion.«
    The whole behaviour of this venerable person, was so primitive, innocent,
sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect for her, and begged her
advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a condition to act
for myself. - She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of travelling to
London in hopes of retrieving my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship, which
by this time, I read in a newspaper, was safely arrived in the river Thames:
»Because (said she) you run the hazard of being treated not only as a deserter,
in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer in assaulting your commanding
officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will moreover be exposed.« - She
then promised to recommend me as a servant to a single lady of her acquaintance,
who lived in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a young fox-hunter of
great fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could bear with the
disposition and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat whimsical and
particular. - But above all things, she counselled me to conceal my story, the
knowledge of which would effectually poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim
among most people of condition, that no gentleman in distress ought to be
admitted into a family, as a domestick, lest he become proud, lazy, and
insolent. - I was fain to embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were
desperate; and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of her
footman; being represented by my hostess, as a young man, who having been sent
to sea by his relations against his inclinations, was shipwrecked and robbed,
which had increased his disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather
chose to go to service on shore than enter himself on board of any other ship. -
Before I took possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress's
character, that I might know better how to regulate my conduct. »Your lady (said
she) is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for her beauty as her
learning and taste, which is famous all over the county. - Indeed she is a
perfect female virtuosi, and so eager after the pursuit of knowledge, that she
neglects her person even to a degree of sluttishness; this negligence, together
with her contempt for the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great
concern, as by that means, he will probably keep her fortune, which is
considerable, in the family. He therefore permits her to live in her own way,
which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her whimsical
desires. - Her apartment is at some distance from the other inhabited parts of
the house; and consists of a dining-room, bed-chamber and study: She keeps a
cook-maid, waiting-woman, and footman of her own, and seldom eats or converses
with any of the family, but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and
humours her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health, by sitting up with
her whole nights together; for your mistress is too much of a philosopher to be
swayed by the customs of the world, and never sleeps or eats as other people do.
-- Among other odd notions, she professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and
believes the earth, air, and sea are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it
is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, on
the easy condition of living chaste. - As she hopes one day to be admitted into
an acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner heard of me and my cat, than she
paid me a visit, with a view, as she has since owned, to be introduced to my
familiar; and was greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her
expectation. Being by this visionary turn of mind, abstracted as it were from
the world, she cannot advert to the common occurrences of life; and therefore is
frequently so absent as to commit very strange mistakes and extravagancies,
which you will do well to rectify and repair, as your prudence shall suggest.«
 

                                 Chapter XXXIX

My reception by that lady -- I become enamoured of Narcissa -- recount the
particulars of my last misfortune -- acquire the good opinion of my mistress --
an account of the young 'Squire - I am made acquainted with more particulars of
Narcissa's situation - conceive a mortal hatred against Sir Timothy - I examine
my lady's library and performances - her extravagant behaviour
 
Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her
habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman, to the presence of my lady,
who had not before seen me. - She sat in her study, with one foot on the ground,
and the other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks
hung down in a disorder I cannot call beautiful from her head, which was
deprived of its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she
held the stump of a pen in the other. - Her fore-head was high and wrinkled, her
eyes large, grey and prominent; her nose long, sharp and aquiline; her mouth of
vast capacity; her visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peeked like a
shoemaker's paring-knife: Her upper-lip contained a large quantity of plain
Spanish, which by continual falling, had embroidered her neck that was not
naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose about her
with a negligence truly poetic, discovering linen that was very fine and to all
appearance, never washed but in Castalian streams. - Around her lay heaps of
books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and other learned apparatus: Her snuff-box
stood at her right hand, at her left lay her handkerchief sufficiently used, and
a convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her chair. - Being in a reverie
when we entered, the maid did not think proper to disturb her; so that we waited
some minutes unobserved, during which time, she bit the quill several times,
altered her position, made many wry faces, and at length, with an air of
triumph, repeated aloud:
 
»Nor dare th' immortal Gods my rage oppose!«
 
Having committed her success to paper, she turned toward the door, and
perceiving us, cried, »What's the matter?« - »Here's the young man (replied my
conductress) whom Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship.« On
this information, she stared in my face a considerable time, and then asked my
name, which I thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown. - After having
surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into »O! ay, thou wa'st
shipwrecked I remember. - Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a
whale or a dolphin?« To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any
assistance. - Then she demanded to know if I had ever been at the Hellespont,
and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I replied in the negative: Upon which, she bid
the maid order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of
my duty; so saying, she spit in her snuffbox, and wiped her nose with her cap
which lay on the table, instead of a handkerchief. - We returned to the kitchin,
where I was regaled by the maids, who seemed to outvie with one another, in
expressing their regard for me. - From them I understood, that my business
consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table,
carrying messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad. - There being a
very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged to my predecessor
deceased, I dressed myself in it, and found it fitted me exactly, so that there
was no occasion for employing a tailor on my account. - I had not been long
equipped in this manner, when my lady's bell rung; upon which I ran up stairs,
and found her stalking about the room in her shift and under-petticoat only. I
would have immediately retired, as became me, but she bid me come in, and air a
clean shift for her; which having done with some backwardness, she put it on
before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant of my sex all
the time, being quite absorpt in contemplation. - About four o'clock in the
afternoon, I was ordered to lay the cloth, and place two covers, which I
understood was for my mistress and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen. -
Though I was not very dexterous at this operation, I performed it pretty well
for a beginner, and when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress approach
accompanied with the young lady, whose name for the present shall be Narcissa. -
So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and carriage of this amiable
apparition, that my heart was captivated at first sight, and while dinner lasted
I gazed upon her without intermission. - Her age seemed to be seventeen, her
stature tall, her shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell down upon her ivory
neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the same colour; her eyes
piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue of cherries; her
complexion clear, delicate and healthy; her aspect noble, ingen'ous and humane;
and the whole so ravishingly delightful, that it was impossible for any
creature, endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire without
loving her to excess! How often did I curse the servile station, that placed me
so infinitely beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration! and how often did
I bless my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection!
When she spoke, I listened with pleasure; but when she spoke to me, my soul was
thrilled with an exstasy of tumultuous joy! I was even so happy as to be the
subject of their conversation: For Narcissa having observed me, said to her
aunt, »I see your new footman is come.« Then addressing herself to me, asked,
with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been so cruelly used by
robbers? When I satisfied her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing the
particulars of my fortune both before and since my being shipwrecked: Hereupon
(as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I told her, that I had been bound apprentice
to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered at
sea; - that I and four more, who chanced to be on deck when she went down, made
shift to swim to the shore, where my companions, after having overpowered me,
stripped me to the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I
received in my own defence: Then I related the circumstances of my being found
in a barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country people and
parson; which I perceived, drew tears from the charming creature's eyes! When I
had finished my recital, my mistress said, »Ma foy! le garçon est bien fait!« To
which opinion Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my understanding in the
same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.
    The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young 'Squire, whom
my lady enquired after, under the title of the Savage; and was informed by her
niece, that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night's debauch,
and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a fox-chase to-morrow morning, in
company with Sir Timothy Thicket, 'Squire Bumper, and a great many other
gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion; so that by
day-break, the whole house would be in an uproar. - This was a very disagreeable
piece of news to the virtuosi, who protested she would stuff her ears with
cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more
sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the
brutes.
    When their dinner was over, I and my fellow-servants sat down to ours in the
kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in the
neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by her
brother, who proposed at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy's sister; by which
means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided
for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did not concur
in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the person
allotted to her for a husband, by this agreement. - This information begat in me
a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in
my heart for his presumption. - Next morning by day-break, being awake by the
noise of the hunters and hounds, I got up to view the cavalcade, and had a sight
of my competitor, whose accomplishments (the estate excluded) did not seem
brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I
flattered myself, was not to be won by such qualifications as he was master of,
either as to person or mind. - My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was
so much disturbed by her nephew's company, that she did not rise till five
o'clock in the afternoon: So that I had an opportunity of examining her study at
leisure, to which I was strongly prompted by my curiosity. - Here I found a
thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve and
twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had
begun, without constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition: But
what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not the least mention
made of love in any of her performances. - I counted fragments of five
tragedies, the titles of which were, »The stern Philosopher. - The double
Murder. - The sacrilegious Traitor. - The fall of Lucifer; - And the Last Day.«
From whence I gathered, that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination
delighted with objects of horror. - Her library was composed of the best English
historians, poets, and philosophers; of all the French criticks and poets, and
of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and
Ariosto, pretty much used. - Besides these, translations of the classicks into
French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; a circumstance that discovered her
ignorance of these languages. - After having taken a full view of this
collection, I retired, and at the usual time was preparing to lay the cloth,
when I was told by the maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so
affected with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually believed
herself a hare beset with the hunters; and begged a few greens to munch for her
breakfast. - When I testified my surprise at this unaccountable imagination, she
let me know that her lady was very much subject to whims of this nature;
sometimes fancying herself an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during
which conceited transformations, it was very dangerous to come near her,
especially when she represented a beast; for that lately, in the character of a
cat, she had flown at her and scratched her face in a terrible manner; - that
some months ago, she prophesied the general conflagration was at hand, and
nothing would be able to quench it, but her water, which therefore she kept so
long that her life was in danger; and she must needs have died of the retention,
had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate by kindling a bonfire under
her chamber window, and persuading her that the house was in flames; upon which,
with great deliberation, she bid them bring all the tubs and vessels they could
find, to be filled, for the preservation of the house, into one of which she
immediately discharged the cause of her distemper. - I was also informed, that
nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her reason, as musick, which was
always administered on these occasions by Narcissa, who play'd perfectly well on
the harpsicord, and to whom she (the maid) was just then going to intimate her
aunt's disorder. - She was no sooner gone, than I was summoned by the bell to my
lady's chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hams, on the floor, in
the manner of puss when she listens to the cries of her pursuers. - When I
appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprung to the other side of
the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting
after her life. - Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the
stair-case met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation
of my mistress: She said not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace, went
into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravished with the
effects of her skill. - She accompanied the instrument with a voice so sweet and
melodious, that I did not wonder at the surprising change it produced on the
spirits of my mistress, which were soon composed to peace and sober reflection.
    About seven o'clock the hunters arrived, with the skins of two foxes and one
badger, carried before them as trophies of their success; and when they were
about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy Thicket desired that
Narcissa would honour the table with her presence: But this, notwithstanding her
brother's threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her
aunt, who was indisposed; so that I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival
mortified: But this disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled
himself with the bottle, of which the whole company became so enamoured, that
after a most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, and
fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion. - My duty
being altogether detached from the 'Squire and his family, I led a pretty easy
and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the
charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation, every day, more and
more. - Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to my own unworthiness, and
even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose affability
greatly encouraged these presumptuous thoughts.
 

                                   Chapter XL

She is surprised at my learning -- communicates her performances to me -- I
impart some of mine to her -- am mortified at her faint praise -- Narcissa
approves of my production -- I gain an involuntary conquest over the cook-wench
and dairy-maid -- their mutual resentment and insinuations -- the jealousy of
their lovers
 
During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain dormant so
long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the subject of my flame:
But as it concerned me nearly to remain undiscovered in my real character and
sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by
confining my works to my own perusal and applause. - In the mean time I strove
to insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well,
by my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time, I was at least a
favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the pleasure of hearing myself
mentioned in French and Italian, with some degree of warmth and surprise, by the
dear object of all my wishes, as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my
appearance and discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common
lacquey. - My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these bewitching
compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation turned upon a
knotty passage of Tasso's Gierusalem, which, it seems, had puzzled them both:
After a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress taking the book out
of her pocket, turned up the place in question, and read the sentence over and
over without success; at length, despairing of finding the author's meaning, she
turned to me, saying, »Come hither, Bruno, let us see what fortune will do for
us; I will interpret to thee what goes before and what follows this obscure
paragraph, the particular words of which I will also explain, that thou may'st,
by comparing one with another, guess the sense of that which perplexes us.« - I
was too vain to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents, therefore,
without hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had disconcerted
them, to the utter astonishment of both. - Narcissa's face and lovely neck were
overspread with blushes, from whence I drew a favourable omen, while her aunt,
after having stared at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, »In
the name of heaven! Who art thou?« - I told her I had picked up a smattering of
Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. - At this she shook her head, and
observed, that no smatterer could read as I had done. - She then desired to know
if I understood French, to which I answering in the affirmative: She asked if I
was acquainted with the Latin and Greek; I replied, »A little.« - »Oho!
(continued she) and with philosophy and mathematicks, I suppose?« - I owned, I
knew something of each. - Whereupon she repeated her stare and interrogation. -
I began to repent my vanity, and in order to repair the fault I had committed,
said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a tolerable education, because
learning was so cheap in my country, that every peasant was a scholar; but I
hoped her ladyship would think my understanding no exception to my character. -
She was pleased to answer, »No, no, God forbid.« - But during the rest of the
time they sat at table, they behaved with remarkable reserve.
    This alteration gave me much uneasiness; and, I passed the night without
sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, which prompts them
to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their own sober judgment. - Next
day, however, instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded still
more to the dictates of the principle I had endeavoured to chastize, and if
fortune had not befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have
been treated with the contempt I deserved. - After breakfast, my lady, who was a
true author, bid me follow her into the study, where she expressed herself thus:
»Since you are so learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire
your opinion of a small performance in poetry, which I lately composed. - You
must know, I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be the murder of
a prince before the altar, where he is busy at his devotions. - After the deed
is perpetrated, the regicide will harrangue the people, with the bloody dagger
in his hand; and I have already composed a speech, which I think will suit the
character extremely. - Here it is.« - Then taking up a scrape of paper, she read
with violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:
 
»Thus have I sent the simple king to hell,
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing-bell: -
To me, what are divine and human laws?
I court no sanction but my own applause!
Rapes, robb'ries, treasons yield my soul delight;
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
And toss the sprawling infant on my spear,
While the fond mother's cries regale mine ear.
I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
Nor dare th' immortal gods my rage oppose.«
 
Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this unnatural
rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of itself deserved
immortal fame; and beseeched her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of
those uncommon talents heaven had bestowed upon her. - She smiled with a look of
self-complacency, and encouraged by the incense I had offered, communicated all
her poetical works, which I applauded one by one, with as little candour as I
had shown at first. - Satiated with my flattery, which I hope my situation
justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in my
turn; and therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste,
observed, that doubtless I must have produced something in that way myself,
which she desired to see. - This was a temptation I could by no means resist. -
I owned that while I was at college, I wrote some small detached pieces, at the
desire of a friend who was in love; and at her request, repeated the following
verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired.
 
                 On Celia playing on the harpsicord and singing
 
                                       I
When Sapho struck the quiv'ring wire,
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And when she raise'd the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm'd away!
 
                                       II
But had the nymph, possess'd with these
Thy softer, chaster pow'r to please;
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;
 
                                      III
The worm of grief, had never prey'd
On the forsaken, love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn'd an happless flame,
Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame.
 
My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which, she said, was
elegant enough, but the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was extremely
nettled at her indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time had joined
us, for her approbation, but she declined giving her opinion, protesting she was
no judge of these matters: So that I was forced to retire, very much baulked in
my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. - In the afternoon,
however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa had expressed her approbation
of my performance with great warmth, and desired her to procure a copy of it, as
for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at
leisure. - I was elated to an extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and
immediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, which was carried to the dear
charmer, together with another on the same subject, as follows:
 
                                       I
Thy fatal shafts unerring move,
I bow before thine altar, love!
I feel thy soft, resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame!
 
                                       II
For while I gaze my bosom glows,
My blood in tides impetuous flows,
Hope, fear and joy alternate roll,
And floods of transports 'whelm my soul!
 
                                      III
My fault'ring tongue attempts in vain
In soothing murmurs to complain,
My tongue some secret magick ties,
My murmurs sink in broken sighs!
 
                                       IV
Condemn'd to nurse eternal care,
And ever drop the silent tear,
Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unfriended live, unpitied die!
 
Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from her
behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me, was henceforth more reserved
and less cheerful. - While my thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above me, I
had unwittingly made a conquest of the cook-wench and dairy-maid, who became so
jealous of one another, that if their sentiments had been refined by education,
it is probable one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel,
to be revenged of her rival; but as their minds were happily adapted to their
humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding and fisty-cuffs, in
which exercises they were both well skilled. - My good fortune did not long
remain a secret; being disclosed by the frequent broils of these heroines, who
kept no decorum in their encounters. The coachman and gardiner, who paid their
devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my success,
laid their heads together, in order to concert a plan of revenge; and the former
having been educated at the academy of Tottenham-court, undertook to challenge
me to single combat; he accordingly, with many opprobrious invectives, bid me
defiance, and offered to box with me for twenty guineas. - I told him, that
although I believed myself a match for him, even at that work, I would not
descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman, as to fight like a porter; but
if he had any thing to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket, pistol,
sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork or needle; - 'nay more, that if he gave his
tongue any more saucy liberties at my expense, I would crop his ears without any
ceremony. - This rhodomontade delivered with a stern countenance, and resolute
tone, had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some confusion,
sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception. - The story taking
air among the servants, procured for me the title of Gentleman John, with which
I was sometimes honoured, even by my mistress and Narcissa, who had been
informed of the whole affair by the chamber-maid. - In the mean time, the rival
queens expressed their passion by all the ways in their power: The cook
entertained me with choice bits, the dairy-maid with stroakings; the first would
often encourage me to declare myself, by complimenting me upon my courage and
learning, and observing, that if she had a husband like me, to maintain order
and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money by setting up an
eating-house at London, for gentlemen's servants on board-wages. - The other
courted my affection, by showing her own importance, and telling me, that many a
substantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her; but she was
resolved to please her eye, if she should plague her heart. - Then she would
launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was sure I would
make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. - I began to be uneasy at the
importunities of these inamoratas, whom at another time, perhaps, I might have
pleased without the disagreeable sauce of matrimony; but at present, my whole
soul was engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the thoughts of doing any
thing derogatory of the passion I entertained for her.
 

                                  Chapter XLI

Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is rescued by me,
who revenge myself on my rival -- I declare my passion, and retreat to the
sea-side -- I am surrounded by smugglers, and carried to Bulloign -- I find my
uncle lieutenant Bowling, in great distress, and relieve him -- our conversation
 
At certain intervals, my ambition would revive; I would despise myself for my
tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve an hundred schemes for assuming
the character of a gentleman, to which I was entitled by birth and education. -
In these fruitless suggestions, time stole away unperceived, and I had already
remained eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident happened,
that put an end to my servitude, and for the present banished all hopes of
succeeding in my love.
    Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother,
within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool
of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who having a good deal of the brute
in him, was instigated to use some unbecoming familiarities with her, encouraged
by the solitariness of a field through which they passed. - The lovely creature
was incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she reproached him in such a
manner, that he lost all regard for decency and actually offered violence to
this pattern of innocence and beauty. - But heaven would not suffer so much
goodness to be violated; and sent me, who passing by accident near the place,
was alarmed with her cries, to her succour. - What were the emotions of my soul,
when I beheld Narcissa, almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I
flew like lightening to her rescue, which he perceiving, quitted his prey, and
drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. - My indignation was too high to
admit one thought of fear, so that rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of
his hand, and used my cudgel so successfully, that he fell to the ground, and
lay, to all appearance, without sense. - Then I turned to Narcissa, who had
swooned, and sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my
bosom, while with my hand around her waist, I kept her in that position. My soul
was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at feeling the object of my dearest wishes
within my arms; and while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from applying
my cheek to her's, and ravishing a kiss: In a little time, the blood began to
revisit her face, she opened her enchanting eyes, and having recollected her
late situation, said, with a look full of tender acknowledgement, »Dear John, I
am eternally obliged to you!« So saying, she made an effort to rise, in which I
assisted her, and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was
a thousand times tempted by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the
dread of disobliging her, restrained my tongue. We had not got an hundred paces
from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy get up and move
homeward; a circumstance, which, though it gave me some satisfaction, in as much
as I thereby knew I had not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his
resentment, which I found myself in no condition to withstand: especially when I
considered his intimacy with our 'Squire, to whom I knew he would easily justify
himself for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his
brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, without any fear of
offence. - When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me, she would exert
all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and likewise
engage her aunt in my favour. At the same time, pulling out her purse, offered
it as a small consideration for the service I had done her. - But I stood too
much upon the punctilios of love to incur the least suspicion of being
mercenary, and refused the present, saying, I had merited nothing by barely
doing my duty. - She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I
felt the same suffusion, and with a down-cast eye and broken accent, told her, I
had one request to make, which if her generosity would grant, I should think
myself fully recompensed for an age of misery. - She changed colour at this
preamble, and with great confusion, replied, she hoped my good sense would
hinder me from asking any thing she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore
bid me signify my desire. - Upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss her hand.
She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out; I imprinted on it an
ardent kiss, and bathing it with my tears, cried, »Dear Madam, I am an
unfortunate gentleman, who loves you to distraction, but would have died a
thousand deaths, rather than make this declaration under such a servile
appearance, were he not determined to yield to the rigour of his fate, to fly
from your bewitching presence, and bury his presumptuous passion in eternal
silence.« With these words I rose and went away, before she could recover her
spirits so far as to make any reply. - My first care was to go and consult Mrs.
Sagely, with whom I had maintained a friendly correspondence ever since I left
her house. When she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern,
condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution to leave the
country, being perfectly well acquainted with the barbarous disposition of my
rival, »who by this time (said she) has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge.
- Indeed, I cannot see how you will be able to elude his vengeance: being
himself in the commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending
you; and as almost all the people in this country are dependant on him or his
friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter among them: If you should
be apprehended, he will commit you to jail, where you may possibly languish in
great misery till the next assizes, and then be transported for assaulting a
magistrate.« - While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the
door, which threw us both into great consternation, as in all probability, it
was occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this generous old lady, putting two
guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, bid me, for God's sake, get out at
the back door, and consult my safety as providence should direct me. - There was
no time for deliberation. - I followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of
a dark night, to the sea-side, where while I ruminated on my next excursion, I
was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and
feet, bid me make no noise, on pain of being shot, and carried me on board of a
vessel, which I soon perceived to be a smuggling cutter. - This discovery gave
me some satisfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from the
resentment of Sir Timothy: But when I found myself in the hands of ruffians, who
threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for
a year's imprisonment, or even transportation. - It was in vain for me to
protest my innocence: I could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk
to their haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and I did not
think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I was
afraid they would have made their peace with justice by surrendering me to the
penalty of the law. - What confirmed their suspicion was, the appearance of a
Custom-house yacht, which gave them chase, and had well-nigh made a prize of
their vessel; when they were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which
effectually screened them, and favoured their arrival at Buloign. - But before
they got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of war about me,
whom some of the most ferocious among them, would have thrown overboard, as a
traitor who had betrayed them to their enemies; but others more considerate,
alleged, that if they put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they
could expect no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry
aggravated by murder. - It was therefore determined by a plurality of votes,
that I should be set on shore in France, and left to find my passage back to
England, as I should think proper, which would be punishment sufficient for the
bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital. - Although this favourable
determination gave me great pleasure, the apprehension of being robbed would not
suffer me to be perfectly at ease: To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was
untied, in consequence of the foresaid decision, I tore a small hole in one of
my stockings, into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a piece and some
silver in my pocket, that finding something, they might not be tempted to make
any further inquiry. - This was a very necessary precaution, for when we came
within sight of the French shore, one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for
my passage. - To this I replied, that my passage was none of my own seeking;
therefore they could not expect a reward from me for transporting me into a
strange country by force. - »Dam-me! (said the outlaw) none of your palaver; but
let me see what money you have got.« - So saying, he thrust his hand into my
pocket without any ceremony, and emptied it of the contents: Then casting an eye
at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off, and clapping
his own on my head, declared, that a fair exchange was no robbery. - I was fain
to put up with the bargain, which was by no means favourable to me; and a little
while after we went all on shore together.
    I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes, without much ceremony,
when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their prejudice if ever I
returned to England, unless I had a mind to be murdered; for which service, he
assured me, the gang never wanted agents. - I promised to observe his advice,
and departed for the Upper Town, where I enquired for a cabaret or public
house, into which I went, with an intention of taking some refreshment. - In the
kitchin, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a firkin of
butter, and a cag of brandy on the table, the bung of which they often applied
to their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction. - At some distance
from them, I perceived another person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive
solitary manner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of
a pipe, as black as jet. - The appearance of distress never failed to attract my
regard and compassion; I approached this forlorn tar, with a view to offer him
my assistance, and notwithstanding the alteration of dress, and disguise of a
long beard, I discovered in him my long lost and lamented uncle and benefactor,
lieutenant Bowling! Good heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, between
the joy of finding again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in
such a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks, I stood motionless and
silent for some time; at length, recovering the use of speech, exclaimed,
»Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!« - My uncle no sooner heard his name mentioned, than
he started up, crying with some surprise, »Holloa!« and after having looked at
me steadfastly, without being able to recollect me, said, »Did you call me,
brother?« I told him, I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired
him to give me a few minutes hearing in another room; but he would by no means
consent to this proposal, saying, »Avast there, friend; none of your tricks upon
travellers; - if you have any thing to say to me, do it above-board; - you need
not be afraid of being over-heard; - here are none who understand our lingo.« -
Though I was loath to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain
from telling him, I was his own nephew Roderick Random. On this information, he
considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and recalling my
features, which though enlarged were not entirely altered since he had seen me,
came up and shook me by the hand very cordially, protesting he was glad to see
me well. After some pause, he went on thus: »And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see
you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to
change them for the better, times being very hard with me.« With these words I
could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheeks, which affected me so
much, that I wept bitterly. - Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own
misfortunes, he comforted me, by observing, that life was a voyage in which we
must expect to meet with all weathers; sometimes it was calm, sometimes rough;
that a fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always sit one
way, and that despair signified nothing; but resolution and skill were better
than a stout vessel: For why? Because they require no carpenter, and grow
stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him,
were not shed for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany
him into another room, where we could converse more at our ease. - There I
recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion; at which he
started up, stalked across the room three or four times, in a great hurry, and
grasping his cudgel, cried, »I would I were along-side of him - that's all - I
would I were along-side of him!« - I then gave him a detail of all my adventures
and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have imagined, and
concluded with telling him that captain Oakhum was still alive, and that he
might return to England when he would, to sollicite his affairs, without danger
or molestation. - He was wonderfully pleased at this piece of information, of
which however, he said he could not at present avail himself, for want of money
to pay for his passage to London. This objection I soon removed, by putting five
guineas into his hand, and telling him, I thought myself extremely happy in
having an opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his necessity. - But
it was with the utmost difficulty I could prevail upon him to accept of two,
which he affirmed, were more than sufficient to defray the necessary expense. -
After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a mess of
something: »For (said he) it has been banyan day with me a great while. - You
must know I was shipwrecked five days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in
company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking below; and having but little
money when I came ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and
share while it lasted. - Howsomever, I should have remembered the old saying,
Every hog his own apple: For when they found my hold unstowed, they went all
hands to shooling and begging; and because I would not take a spell at the same
duty, refused to give me the least assistance; so that I have not broke bread
these two days.« - I was shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered
some bread, cheese and wine to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger,
until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared. - When he had recruited his
spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know the particulars of his
peregrination, since the accident at Cape Tiberoon; which were briefly these:
The money he had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the civility and
hospitality of the French cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list
on board of one of their king's ships, as a common fore-mast-man, to prevent
himself from starving on shore. - In this situation, he continued two years,
during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, and the
reputation of a good seaman: The ship he belonged to was ordered home to old
France, where she was laid up as unfit for service, and he was received on board
of one of monsieur D'Antin's squadron, in quality of quarter-master; which
office he performed in a voyage to the West-Indies, where they engaged with our
ship, as before related; but his conscience upbraiding him for serving the
enemies of his country, he quitted the ship at the same place where he first
listed, and got to Currasoa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained with another
skipper, bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he was
in hopes of hearing from his friends in England; but was cast away, as he
mentioned before, on the French coast, and must have been reduced to the
necessity of travelling on foot to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on
the road, or of entering on board of another French man of war, at the hazard of
being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his succour. -
»And now, my lad, (continued he) I think I shall steer my course directly to
London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, and of having the R taken off me
by the lords of the admiralty, to whom I intend to write a petition setting
forth my case: If I succeed, I will have wherewithal to give you some
assistance, because when I left the ship I had two years pay due to me;
therefore I desire to know whither you are bound; and beside, perhaps, I may
have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing you surgeon's mate of the
ship to which I shall belong. - For the beadle of the admiralty is my good
friend; and he and one of the under-clerks are sworn brothers, and that
under-clerk has a good deal to say with one of the upper-clerks, who is very
well known to the under-secretary, who, upon his recommendation, I hope will
recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again, will speak to one of
the Lords in my behalf: So that you see, I do not want friends to assist me on
occasion. - As for the fellow Crampley, tho'f I know him not, I am sure he is
neither seaman nor officer, by what you have told me, or else he could never be
so much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of
Sussex, before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident
happened, would he have left the ship until she had been stove to pieces,
especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time, I do suppose he
has been tried by a court-martial and executed for his cowardice and
misconduct.« - I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle's ladder,
by which he proposed to clime to the attention of the board of admiralty; and
tho' I knew the world too well, to confide in such dependence myself, I would
not discourage him with doubts; but asked if he had no friend in London, who
would advance a small sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make
a small present to the under secretary, who might possibly dispatch his business
the sooner on that account. - He scratched his head, and after some
recollection, replied, »Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord the ship-chandler in
Wapping would not refuse me such a small matter. - I know I can have what credit
I would, for lodging, liquor and clothes; but as to money, I won't be positive:
- Had honest Block been living, I should not have been at a loss.« - I was
heartily sorry to find a worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such
need of them; and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than his,
because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of mankind;
consequently less liable to disappointment and imposition.
 

                                  Chapter XLII

He takes his passage in a Cutter for Deal - we are accosted by a priest, who
proves to be a Scottishman -- his professions of friendship -- he is affronted
by the lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him by submission - my uncle embarks
-- I am introduced by the priest to a capuchin, in whose company I set out for
Paris -- the character of my fellow-traveller -- an adventure on the road - I am
shocked at his behaviour
 
When our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we found a
Cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his
passage: In the mean time, we sauntered about the town, to satisfy our
curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject of my designs, which were not
as yet fixed: Neither can it be supposed, that my mind was at ease, when I found
myself reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom
I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me. - My uncle was sensible of
my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where he did
not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me: But besides the other
reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the
worst country in the universe for a poor honest man to live in; and therefore
determined to remain in France, coute que coute. - I was confirmed in this
resolution, by a reverend priest, who passing by at this time, and overhearing
us speak English, accosted us in the same language, telling us he was our
countryman, and wishing it might be in his power to do us any service: We
thanked this grave person for his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a
glass with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we went all together
into a tavern of his recommending. After having drank to our healths in a bumper
of good Burgundy, he began to enquire into our situation, and asked particularly
the place of our nativity, which we no sooner named, than he started up, and
wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, »I come
from the same part of the country! perhaps you are my own relations.« - I was on
my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when I remembered the
adventure of the money-dropper; but without any appearance of diffidence,
observed, that as he was born in that part of the country, he must certainly
know our families, which (howsoever mean our present appearance might be) were
none of the most obscure and inconsiderable. - Then I discovered our names, to
which I found he was no stranger; he had known my grandfather personally; and
notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many
particulars of the families in the neighbourhood, that my scruples were entirely
removed, and I thought myself happy in his acquaintance. - In the course of our
conversation, I disclosed my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents
to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration, and
assured me, that if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, I could not fail
of making my fortune, to which he would contribute all in his power.
    My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's insinuation, and very abruptly
declared, that if ever I should renounce my religion, he would break off all
connexion and correspondence with me; for it was his opinion, that no honest man
would swerve from the principles in which he was bred, whether Turkish,
Protestant, or Roman. - The father, affronted at this declaration, with great
vehemence, began a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and
shutting one's eyes against the light: He said, that ignorance would be no plea
towards justification, when we had opportunities of being better informed; and
that, if the minds of people had not been open to conviction, the Christian
religion would not have been propagated in the world; and we should now be in a
state of Pagan darkness and barbarity: He endeavoured to prove, by some texts of
scripture, and many quotations from the fathers, that the Pope was the successor
of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the church of Rome was the true,
holy, catholick church; and that the protestant faith was an impious heresy, and
damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting
perdition. - When he had finished his sermon, which I thought, he pronounced
with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and desired to
know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, whose attention had
been wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and
replied, »As for me, friend, d'ye see, I have no objection to what you say, it
may be either true or false, for what I know; I meddle with no body's affairs
but my own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the
saying is. - I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as I
would be done by; so that I defy the pope, the devil, and the pretender; and
hope to be saved as well as another.« - This association of persons gave great
offence to the friar, who protested, in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling
had not been his countryman, he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his
insolence. - I ventured to disapprove of my uncle's rashness, and appeased the
old gentleman, by assuring him, there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who
by this time, sensible of his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and
asked pardon for the freedom he had taken. - Matters being amicably compromised,
he invited us to come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he
belonged, and took his leave for the present; when my uncle recommended it
strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my forefathers, whatever
advantages I might propose to my self by a change, which could not fail of
disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family. - I assured him no consideration
should induce me to forfeit his friendship and good opinion, on that score; at
which he discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we
immediately bespoke, and when it was ready eat together.
    I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish Priest, if properly managed,
might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as much
as I could. With this view we visited him at his convent, according to his
invitation, where he treated us with wine and sweet-meats, and showed us every
thing that was remarkable in the monastery. - Having been thus entertained, we
took our leave, though not before I had promised to see him next day; and the
time fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I accompanied him to the
harbour, and saw him on board. - We parted not without tears, after we had
embraced and wished one another all manner of prosperity; and he entreated me to
write to him often, directing to lieutenant Thomas Bowling, at the sign of the
Union flag, near the Hermitage, London.
    I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night in a
very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my fate, and endeavouring to
project some likely scheme of life for the future; but my invention failed me, I
saw nothing but unsurmountable difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair
at the miserable prospect! That I might not, however, neglect any probable
means, I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice
and assistance I implored. - He received me very kindly, and gave me to
understand, that there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could
not fail of making a great figure. - I guessed his meaning, and told him once
for all, I was fully determined against any alteration in point of religion,
therefore if his proposal regarded the church, he might save himself the trouble
of explaining it. He shook his head and sighed, saying, »Ah! son, son, what a
glorious prospect is here spoiled, by your stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself
to be persuaded by reason, and consult your temporal welfare, as well as the
concerns of your eternal soul. - I can, by my interest, procure your admission
as a novitiate into this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a
truly paternal affection.« - Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic
life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades - where
the heart is weaned from carnal attachments, the grosser appetites subdued and
chastised, and the soul wafted to the divine regions of philosophy and truth, on
the wings of studious contemplation. - But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom
two considerations enabled to withstand his temptations; namely, my promise to
my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life; for as to the difference of
religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too small moment to come in competition
with a man's fortune. - Finding me immoveable on this head, he told me, he was
more sorry than offended at my non-compliance, and still ready to employ his
good offices in my behalf. - »The same erroneous maxims (said he) that obstruct
your promotion in the church, will infallibly prevent your advancement in the
army; but if you can brook the condition of a servant, I am acquainted with some
people of rank at Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of recommendation,
that you may be entertained by some one of them, in quality of maitre d' hotel;
and I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a better
provision.« - I embraced his offer with great eagerness; and he appointed me to
come back in the afternoon, when he would not only give me the letters, but
likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his acquaintance, who intended to set out
for Paris next morning, in whose company I might travel, without being at the
expense of one livre during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me
infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent father, in the
most grateful expressions; and he performed his promise to a tittle, in
delivering the letters, and making me acquainted with the capuchin, with whom I
departed next morning by break of day.
    It was not long before I discovered my fellow-traveller to be a merry
facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and appearance of
mortification, loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid
more adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St. Genevive. - He
was a thick brawny young man, with red eye-brows, a hook nose, a face covered
with freckles; and his name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit him to
wear linnen, so that having little occasion to undress himself, he was none of
the cleanliest animals in the world; and his constitution was naturally so
strong scented, that I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of
him in our march. - As he was perfectly well known on the road, we fared
sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated
by the good humour of my companion, who sung an infinite number of catches on
the subjects of love and wine. - We took up our lodging the first night at a
peasant's house, not far from Abbe Ville where we were entertained with an
excellent ragout, cooked by our landlord's daughters, one of whom was very
handsome: After having eat heartily, and drank a sufficient quantity of vin du
Pais, we were conducted to a barn, where we found a couple of carpets spread
upon clean straw for our reception. - We had not lain in this situation above
half an hour, when we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which
Balthazar got up, and let in our host's two daughters, who wanted to have some
private conversation with him in the dark; when they had whispered together some
time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insensible to love, or so
hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a pretty maid, who had a
tendresse for me. - I must own, to my shame, that I suffered myself to be
overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I
understood that the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. - In vain did my
reason suggest the respect I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that
lovely charmer, rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits; and the
young Paisanne had no reason to complain of my remembrance. - Early in the
morning, the kind creatures left us to our repose, which lasted till eight
o'clock, when we got up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and l'eau
de vie, by our paramours, of whom we took a tender leave, after my companion had
confessed and given them absolution. - While we proceeded on our journey, the
conversation turned upon the night's adventure, being introduced by the
capuchin, who asked me how I liked my lodging: I declared my satisfaction, and
talked in raptures of the agreeable Nanette; at which he shook his head, and
smiling said, she was a morçeau pour la bonne bouche. »I never valued myself
(continued he) upon any thing so much as the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity
apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my amours.« - This information shocked me
not a little, as I was well convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and
though I did not care to tax him with downright incest, I professed my
astonishment at his last night's choice, when, I supposed, the other was at his
devotion. - To this he answered, that besides his natural complaisance to the
sex, he had another reason to distribute his favours equally between them;
namely, to preserve peace in the family, which could not otherwise be
maintained; - that moreover Nanette had conceived an affection for me, and he
loved her too well to baulk her inclination; more especially, when he had an
opportunity of obliging his friend at the same time. - I thanked him for this
instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at his want of
delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his way. - Libertine as I
was, I could not bear to see a man behave so wide of the character he assumed: I
looked upon him as person of very little worth or honesty, and should have even
kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have any temptation to
steal. - But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, who is
obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and enjoys all
other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow-traveller seemed to be of a
complexion too careless and sanguine, to give me any apprehension on that score;
so that I proceeded with great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my
journey's end.
 

                                 Chapter XLIII

We lodge at a house near Amiens, where I am robbed by the capuchin, who escapes
while I am asleep -- I go to Noyons in search of him, but without success -- I
make my condition known to several people, but find no relief -- I grow
desperate - join a company of soldiers -- inlist in the regiment of Picardy --
we are ordered into Germany -- I find the fatigues of the march almost
intolerable -- quarrel with my comrade in a dispute upon politicks - he
challenges me to the field, wounds and disarms me
 
The third night of our pilgrimage, we passed at a house near Amiens, where
Balthazar being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare, and sower wine, and
were fain to lie in a garret upon an old mattrass, which, I believe, had been in
the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas, time out of mind. - We did not
invade their territory with impunity; in less than a minute we were attacked
with stings innumerable, in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being
excessively fatigued with our day's march, and did not wake till nine next
morning, when, seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible fright, and
examining my pockets, found my presaging fear too true! My companion had made
free with my cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I run down
stairs immediately; and with a look full of grief and amazement, enquired for
the mendicant, who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours before,
after having told them, I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be
disturbed, but he informed when I should wake he had taken the road to Noyons,
where he would wait for my coming, at the Coq D'Or. - I spoke not a word, but
with a heavy heart, directed my course to that place, at which I arrived in the
afternoon, fainting with weariness and hunger; but learned, to my utter
confusion, that no such person had been there! - It was happy for me that I had
a good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on such
occasions, against the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to bear misfortunes
otherwise intolerable. - Boiling with indignation, I discovered to the host my
deplorable condition, and inveighed with great bitterness against the treachery
of Balthazar; at which he shrugged up his shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace
on his countenance, said, he was sorry for my misfortune; but there was no
remedy like patience. - At that instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened
to offer his service, leaving me mortified at his indifference, and fully
persuaded that an inn-keeper is the same sordid animal all over the world. -
While I stood in the porch, forlorn and undetermined, venting ejaculations of
curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the old priest who recommended
him to my friendship; a young gentleman richly dressed, attended by a valet de
chamber and two servants in livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a
good deal of sweetness and good nature in his countenance; therefore, he had no
sooner alighted than I accosted him, and in a few words explained my situation:
He listened with great politeness, and when I had made an end of my story, said,
»Well, monsieur, what would you have me do?« I was effectually abashed at this
interrogation, which I believed no man of common sense or generosity could make,
and made no other reply than a low bow: He returned the compliment still lower,
and tript into an apartment, while the landlord let me know, that my standing
there to interrupt company gave offence, and might do him infinite prejudice. -
He had no occasion to repeat his insinuation; I moved from the place
immediately; and was so much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a
torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils. - In this ecstasy, I quitted Noyons,
and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like one distracted,
till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself down at
the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs. - Here my rage forsook me, I began
to feel the importunate cravings of nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow and
melancholy reflection. I revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of, and found
them so few and venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that
providence, which after having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger,
left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I had not one
friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last offices of humanity to
my miserable carcase. - A thousand times I wished myself a bear, that I might
retreat to woods and desarts, far from the inhospitable haunts of man, where I
could live by my own talents independent of treacherous friends, and
supercilious scorn.
    As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the sound of
a violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men and women dancing on
the grass at some distance from me. - I looked upon this to be a favourable
season for distress to attract compassion, when every selfish thought is
banished, and the heart dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up
and approached those happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of
soldiers, with their wives and children, unbending and diverting themselves at
this rate, after the fatigue of a march. - I had never before seen such a parcel
of scare-crows together, neither could I reconcile their meagre gaunt looks,
their squalid and ragged attire, and every other external symptom of extreme
woe, with this appearance of festivity. - I saluted them however, and was
received with great politesse; after which they formed a ring and danced around
me. - This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits! I was infected with
their gaiety, and in spite of my dismal situation forgot my cares, and joined in
their extravagance. - When we had recreated ourselves a good while at this
diversion, the ladies spread their manteaus on the ground, upon which they
emptied their knapsacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor
wine: Being invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and in
the whole course of my life never made a more comfortable meal. - When our
repast was ended, we got up again to dance; and now that I found myself
refreshed, I behaved to the admiration of every body: I was loaded with a
thousand compliments, and professions of friendship; the men commended my person
and agility, and the women were loud in the praise of my bonne grace; - the
sergeant in particular, expressed so much regard for me, and described the
agreemens of a soldier's life, with so much art, that I began to listen to his
proposal of enlisting me in the service; and the more I considered my own
condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity I was under to come to a
speedy determination. - Having therefore maturely weighed the circumstances pro
and con, I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy,
said to be the oldest corps in Europe. - The company to which this command
belonged, was quartered at a village not far off, whither we marched next day,
and I was presented to my captain, who seemed very well pleased with my
appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be accommodated with
clothes, arms and accoutrements. - Whereupon I sold my livery suit, purchased
linnen, and as I was at great pains to learn the exercise in a very short time
became a complete soldier.
    It was not long before we received orders to join several more regiments,
and march with all expedition into Germany, in order to reinforce Marechal Duc
de Noailles, who was then encamped with his army on the side of the river Main,
to watch the motions of the English, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command
of the earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I became
acquainted with that part of a soldier's life to which I had been a stranger
hitherto. - It is impossible to describe the hunger and thirst I sustained, and
the fatigue I underwent in a march of so many hundred miles; during which, I was
so much chased with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time
the inside of my thighs and legs were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in the
utmost torture. - This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitution,
which I cursed, and envied the withered condition of my comrades, whose bodies
could not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed proof
against all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and
my peevishness was increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing these
miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through the
air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity, under which I was ready to sink.
    One day while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had gone
out to dance, according to custom, my comrade staid at home with me on pretence
of friendship, and insulted me with his pity and consolation! He told me, though
I was young and tender at present, I would soon be seasoned to the service; and
he did not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some measure to
the glory of the king. - »Have courage, therefore, my child (said he) and pray
to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the honour of
serving Lewis the Great, and of receiving many wounds in helping to establish
his glory.« - When I looked upon the contemptible object that pronounced these
words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed him; and could not help
expressing my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational being, who thinks
himself highly honoured in being permitted to encounter abject poverty,
oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death, merely to gratify
the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings were disregarded, and
his name utterly unknown. - I observed, that if his situation was the
consequence of compulsion, as having been pressed into the service, I would
praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot; - if he had taken up arms
in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for his patriotism; -
or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from a greater evil, he was
justifiable in his own conscience, (though I could have no notion of misery more
extreme than that he suffered;) but to put his condition on the footing of
conducing to the glory of his prince, was no more than professing himself a
desperate slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril,
and committed the most flagrant crimes, to sooth the barbarous pride of a
fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from the
submission of such wretches as he. The soldier was very much affronted at the
liberty I took with his king, which, he said, nothing but my ignorance could
excuse: He affirmed, that the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not
to be profaned by the censure of their subjects, who were bound by their
allegiance to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or
repining - And advised me to correct the rebellious principles I had imbibed
among the English, who, for their insolence to their kings, were notorious all
over the world, even to a proverb:
 
Le roy d'Angleterre,
Est le roy de l'Enfer.
 
In vindication of my countrymen, I adduced all the arguments commonly used to
prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that allegiance and
protection are reciprocal; that when the mutual tie is broken by the tyranny of
the king, he is accountable to the people for his breach of contract, and
subject to the penalty of the law; and that those insurrections of the English,
which are branded with the name of rebellion, by the slaves of arbitrary power,
were no other than glorious efforts to rescue that independance which was their
birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. - The Frenchman,
provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all patience,
and reproached me in such a manner, that my temper forsook me, and I clenched my
fist, with an intention to give him a hearty box on the ear. - Perceiving my
design, he started back, and demanded a parley; upon which I checked my
indignation, and he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow;
therefore if I was not weary of my life. I would do well to spare him that
mortification, and do him the honour of measuring his sword with mine, like a
gentleman. - I took his advice and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed
I was ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor, little,
shivering creature decrepid with age, and blind of one eye. - But I soon found
the folly of judging from appearances; being at the second pass wounded in the
sword hand, and immediately disarmed with such a jerk, that I thought the joint
was dislocated. - I was no less confounded than enraged at this event,
especially as my adversary did not bear his success with all the moderation that
might have been expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for my
presumption in affronting his king and him. - This I would by no means comply
with, but told him it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his
circumstances ought to propose, nor none in my situation perform; - and that if
he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim satisfaction
with my musket, at which weapon we should be more upon a par than with the
sword, of which he seemed so much master.
 

                                  Chapter XLIV

The gascon does not use his victory with all the moderation that might have been
expected -- In order to be revenged I learn the science of defence. -- we join
Marechal Duc de Noailles -- are engaged with the allies at Dettingen, and put to
flight -- the behaviour of the French soldiers on that occasion - I
industriously seek another combat with the old gascon, and vanquish him in my
turn -- our regiment is put into winter quarters at Rheims, where I find my
friend Strap - our recognition - he supplies me with money, and procures my
discharge -- we take a trip to Paris; from whence we set out for London by the
way of Flanders, where we safely arrive
 
He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but repaired
to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory with many exaggerations and
gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, went to my quarters and examined my
wound, which I found was of no consequence. - The same day, an Irish drummer,
having heard my misfortune, visited me, and after having condoled me on the
chance of war, gave me to understand, that he was master of his sword, and would
in a very short time instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I
should be able to chastise the old gascon for his insolent boasting at my
expense. - This friendly office he proffered on pretence of the regard he had
for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned the true motive was no other than a
jealousy he entertained of a correspondence between the Frenchman and his wife,
which he did not think proper to resent in person. - Be this as it will, I
accepted his offer, and practised his lessons with such application, that I soon
believed myself a match for my conqueror. - In the mean time we continued our
march, and arrived at the camp of Mareschal Noailles, the night before the
battle of Dettingen. Notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment
was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under the
command of the Duc de Gramont, to take possession of a narrow defile, through
which the allies must of necessity have passed at a great disadvantage, or
remain where they were, and perish for want of provision, if they would not
condescend to surrender at discretion. - How they suffered themselves to be pent
up in this manner, it is not my province to relate; I shall only observe, that
when we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old officer in
conversation with another, profess a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who
had the reputation of a good general. - But it seems, at this time, that
nobleman was over-ruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no
part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation of
the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost danger; but
providence or destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc de
Gramont to quit his advantageous post, pass the defile, and attack the English,
who were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so
roughly, that after having lost a great number of men, we turned our backs
without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation, that many hundreds perished
in the river, through pure fear and confusion; for the enemy was so generous,
that they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and if our consternation would
have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and deliberation. - But
not withstanding the royal clemency of the king of Great Britain, who headed the
allies in person, and no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to
5,000 men, among whom were many officers of distinction. - Our miscarriage
opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whither they immediately marched, leaving
their sick and wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession
of the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with humanity. -
This was a great consolation to us, who thence took occasion to claim the
victory; and the genius of the French nation never appeared more conspicuous
than now, in the rhodomontades they uttered on the subject of their generosity
and courage: Every man, (by his own account) performed feats that would have
shamed all the heroes of antiquity. - One compared himself to a lion retiring at
leisure from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him
with their darts. - Another likened himself to a bear that retreats with his
face to the enemy, who dare not assail him; and a third assumed the character of
a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay. - There was
not a private soldier engaged, who had not by the prowess of his single arm,
demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse to flight; and among
others, the meagre gascon extoled his exploits above those of Hercules or
Charlemagne. - As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in
my last recontre with him, and now that I thought myself qualified, longed for
an opportunity to retrieve my honour; I magnified the valour of the English with
all the hyperboles I could imagine, and decried the pusilanimity of the French
in the same stile, comparing them to hares flying before grey-hounds, or mice
pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he exerted in
his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities, I said was surprising. -
He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and with an air of threatning
disdain, bid me know myself better, and remember the correction I had already
received from him for my insolence; for he might not be always in the humour of
sparing a wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply but by
a kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant. - He started up with
wonderful agility, and drawing his sword, attacked me with great fury: Several
people interposed, but when he informed them of its being an affair of honour,
they retired and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his
onset with little damage, having only received a small scratch on my right
shoulder, and seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my
turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle. -
Having thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which he
made no answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands,
elevated the skin of his forehead and eye-brows, and depressed the corners of
his mouth, in such a manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at
his grotesque appearance. - That I might, however, mortify his vanity, which had
triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt
in something (it was not a tansy) that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the
rest of the soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.
    There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies during
the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, the English marched back
to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached to French Flanders, and our
regiment ordered to winter-quarters in Champagne. - It was the fate of the
grenadier company, to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found
myself in the utmost want of every thing: My pay, which amounted to five sols a
day, so far from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient to
procure a wretched subsistance, to keep soul and body together; so that I was by
hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my
fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts, to two pair
of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago converted into
spatter-dashes; and after all, I was better provided than any private man in the
regiment. - In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England,
though my hopes from that quarter were not at all sanguine, for the reasons I
have already explained, and in the mean time had recourse to my old remedy
patience, consoling myself with the flattering suggestions of a lively
imagination that never abandoned me in my distress.
    One day, while I stood centinel at the gate of a general officer, a certain
nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom, at
parting, I heard him say, »You may depend upon my good offices.« - This
assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, who turning to go
away, discovered to me the individual countenance of my old friend and adherent
Strap. - I was so much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of
utterance, and before I could recollect myself, he was gone, without taking any
notice of me. - Indeed, had he staid, I scarce would have ventured to accost
him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with the features of his
face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his person, which was
very much altered for the better, since he left me at London; neither could I
conjecture by what means he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman,
to which, while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire. - But I was
too much concerned in the affair to neglect further information, and therefore
took the first opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom
the Marquis spoke. The Swiss told me, his name was Monsieur d'Estrapes, that he
had been valet de chamber to an English gentleman lately deceased, and that he
was very much regarded by the Marquis for his fidelity to his master, between
whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted. - Nothing could
be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, which banished all
doubt of its being my friend, who had found means to frenchify his name as well
as his behaviour, since we parted. As soon therefore, as I was relieved, I went
to his lodging, according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good
fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed my
name and business, and only desired the servant of the house, to tell Monsieur
d'Estrapes, that I begged the honour of half an hour's conversation with him. -
He was confounded and dismayed at this message, when he understood it was sent
by a soldier, though he was conscious to himself of no crime; all that he had
heard of the Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, and it
was not before I had waited a considerable time, that he had resolution enough
to bid the servant show me up stairs. - When I entered his chamber, he returned
my bow with great civility, and endeavoured with forced complaisance, to
disguise his fear, which appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of
his looks, and the shaking of his limbs. - I was diverted at his consternation,
which redoubled, when I told him (in French) I had business for his private ear,
and demanded a particular audience. - The valet being withdrawn, I asked in the
same language, if his name was d'Estrapes, to which he answered, with a
faltering tongue, »The same, at your service.« - »Are you a Frenchman? (said
I.)« - »I have not the honour to be a Frenchman born (replied he) but I have an
infinite veneration for the country.« - I then desired he would do me the honour
to look at me, which he no sooner did, than struck with my appearance, he
started back and cried in English, »O Jesus! - sure it can't! - No, 'tis
impossible!« - I smiled at his interjections, saying, »I suppose you are too
much of a gentleman to own your friend in adversity.« - When he heard me
pronounce these words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of
joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great
school-boy who has been whipped. - Then observing my dress, he set up his throat,
crying, »O L-d! O L-d! that ever I should live to see my dearest friend reduced
to the condition of a foot soldier in the French service! Why did you consent to
my leaving you? - But I know the reason - you thought you had got more
creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaintance. - Ah! Lord help us!
though I was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind; - And though I
did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was
indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither;
but I must own it has been a lucky ramble to me, and so I forgive you, and may
God forgive you: - O L-d! O L-d! is it come to this?« - I was nettled at the
charge, which, though just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him
with some tartness, that whether his suspicions were well or ill-grounded, he
might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of introducing them: And that
the question now was, whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any
assistance. - »Disposed! (replied he with great emotion) I thought you had known
me so well, as to assure yourself, without asking, that I, and all that belongs
to me, are at your command. - In the mean time, you shall dine with me, and I
will tell you something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you.« - Then
wringing my hand, he said, »It makes my heart bleed to see you in that garb!« -
I thanked him for his invitation, which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a
person who had not eaten a comfortable meal these seven months; but I had
another request to make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that
was the loan of a shirt: For although my back had been many weeks a stranger to
any comfort of this kind, my skin was not yet quite familiarized to the want of
it. - He stared in my face, with a woeful countenance, at this declaration, which
he would scarce believe, until I explained it, by unbuttoning my coat, and
disclosing my naked body; a circumstance that shocked the tender-hearted Strap,
who, with tears in his eyes, run to a chest of drawers, and taking out some
linen, presented to me a very fine ruffled holland shirt, and cambrick
neckcloth, assuring me, he had three dozen of the same kind at my service. - I
was ravished at this piece of good news, and having accommodated myself in a
moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, saying, I was overjoyed to
find him undebauched by prosperity, which seldom fails of corrupting the heart.
He bespoke for dinner, some soup and boillé, a couple of pullets roasted, and a
dish of sparrowgrass, and in the interim entertained me with biscuit and
Burgundy; after which he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of knowing
every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London. - This I
complyed with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and relating every
particular event in which I had been concerned from that day to the present
hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly affected, according to the
various situations described: He started with surprise, glowed with indignation,
gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept with
sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions; and
when my story was ended, signified his amazement on the whole, by lifting up his
eyes and hands, and protesting, that tho' I was a young man, I had suffered more
than all the blessed martyrs.
    After dinner, I desired, in my turn, to know the particulars of his
peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to understand
that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who in that time, having
acquired the language, as well as the fashionable exercises, to perfection, made
a tour of France and Holland, during which excursion, he was so unfortunate as
to meet with three of his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he
committed such excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a
consumption; that by the advice of physicians he went to Montpelier for the
benefit of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to
Rheims, seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a month, when
he was seized with a looseness, that carried him off in ten days, to the
unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him, and especially of Strap, who had been
very happy in his service, and given such satisfaction, that his master on his
deathbed, recommended him to several persons of distinction, for his diligence,
sobriety, and affection, and left him by will, his wearing apparel, gold watch,
sword, rings, ready money, and all the moveables he had in France, to the value
of three hundred pounds, »which I now (said he) in the sight of God and man,
surrender to your absolute disposal: Here are my keys, take them, I beseech you,
and God give you joy of the possession.« - My brain was almost turned with this
sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce believe real; however, I
positively refused this extravagant proffer of my friend, and put him in mind of
my being a soldier; at which he started, crying, »Odso! that's true - we must
procure your discharge - I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do
me that favour.« - We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that
Monsieur d'Estrapes, should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell him
he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years
before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardie, and implore that
nobleman's interest for his discharge. - In the mean time, we enjoyed ourselves
over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in concerting schemes for
our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. -
The business was to make ourselves easy for life, by means of his legacy, a task
very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money, altogether
impracticable; so that after much canvasing, we could come to no resolution that
night, but when we parted, recommended the matter to the serious attention of
each other. As for my own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose; when I
thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas,
enemies and markets, deterred me from that scheme. - If I should settle as a
surgeon in my own country, I would find the business already overstocked; or if
I pretended to set up in England, must labour under want of friends and powerful
opposition, obstacles unsurmountable by the most shining merit; neither would I
succeed in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither
flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked and
contemptible administration. - Before I could form one feasible project, I fell
asleep, and my fancy was blessed with the image of my dear Narcissa, who seemed
to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils.
    Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found
exulting over his happy invention; for I no sooner entered his apartment, than
he addressed me in these words, with a smile of self-applause: »Well, Mr.
Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool's head sometimes. - I have hit it -
I'll hold you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning. -
But you shall have the preference in this as in all other things; therefore
proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation, - and then I will
impart my own simple excogitations.« - I told him, that not one thought occurred
to me which deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be
acquainted with the fruits of his reflection. - »As we have not (said he) money
sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion, that a
bold push must be made; and I see none so likely to succeed as your appearing in
the character of a gentleman (which is your due) and making your addresses to
some lady of fortune who can render you independent at once. - Nay, don't stare
- I affirm that this scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have
you throw yourself away upon an old, toothless, wheezing dame, whose breath
would stink you into a consumption in less than three months; neither would I
advise you to assume the character of a wealthy 'Squire, as your common
fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into matrimony,
and instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry
seized by her husband's rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and
despair. - No, I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition; and are
master of qualifications both of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a
match, that will set you above the world. - I have clothes in my possession,
that a Duke need not be ashamed to wear. - I believe they will fit you as they
are - if not, there are plenty of taylors in France. - Let us take a short trip
to Paris, and provide ourselves in all other necessaries, then set out for
England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in quality of
valet. - This will save you the expense of a servant, shaving and dressing; and
I doubt not but by the blessing of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and
fortunate issue.« - Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with
pleasure, because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began
to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.
    After breakfast, Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the Marquis,
and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a discharge in a few
days, upon which we set out for Paris. - Here I had time to reflect and
congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which to bear with
moderation, required some degree of philosophy and self-denial. - This will be
more obvious, if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of
which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. - My
wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats full-mounted, two of which were
plain, one of cut velvet, one trimed with gold, and another with silver-lace;
two frocks, one of white drab with large plate buttons, the other of blue, with
gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocard; one of blue satin, embroidered
with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold lace; one of
black silk, with figures; one of white satin; one of black cloth, and one of
scarlet; six pair of cloth breeches; one pair of crimson, and another of black
velvet; twelve pair of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same
number of fine cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d'Espagne, another with
silver-lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain; three
dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of cambrick
handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other moveables which I
possessed by the generosity and friendship of Strap, were, a gold watch with a
chased case, two valuable diamond rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver
handle, and a fourth cut steel inlaid with gold; a diamond stock-buckle, and a
set of stone buckles for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver mounted pistols
with rich housings, a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoise-shell
mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in the lid. - The gentleman left
many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash before I met
with him, so that over and above these particulars, our stock in ready money
amounted to something more than two hundred pounds.
    Thus equipt, I put on the gentleman of figure, and attended by my honest
friend, who was contented with the station of my valet. I visited the Louvre,
examined the gallery of Luxemburgh, and appeared at Versailles, where I had the
honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable quantity of
olives. - During the month I spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the
Italian opera, and play-house, danced at a masquerade, and in short saw every
thing remarkable in and about that capital. - After which we set out for England
by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took
shipping at Ostend, from whence in fourteen hours we arrived at Deal, hired a
post-chaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London; having disposed of our
heavy baggage in the wagon.
 

                                  Chapter XLV

I enquire about my uncle, and understand he is gone to sea - take lodgings at
Charing-cross -- go to the play, where I meet with an adventure -- I go to an
ordinary; the guests described - become acquainted with Medlar and doctor
Wagtail
 
As soon as we alighted at the Inn, I dispatched Strap to enquire about my uncle,
at the Samson and Lion in Wapping; and he returned in a little time, with an
account of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea, mate of a merchant ship, after a
long and unsuccessful application and attendance at the admiralty; where, it
seems, the interest he depended upon, was not sufficient to reinstate him, or
recover the pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder.
    Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing-cross; and in
the evening, dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris cut, and appeared
in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of company, and had vanity
enough to make me believe, that I was observed with an uncommon degree of
attention and applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so much, that I was
guilty of a thousand ridiculous coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable
soever the thoughts of the company might be at my first appearance, they were
soon changed by my absurd behaviour, into pity or contempt. - I got up and sat
down, covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my
watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again; -
displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might have an opportunity
of showing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with a perfumed handkerchief; - then
dangled my cane, and adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of
the same kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the
acquiring of which, I found two considerable obstructions in my disposition;
namely, a natural reserve, and jealous sensibility. - Fain would I have entered
into conversation with the people around me; but was restrained by the fear of
being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more
entitled to a compliment of this kind from them than they to such condescension
from a stranger like me. - How often did I redden at the frequent whispers and
loud laughter of my fellow beaus, which I imagined were excited by me! and how
often did I envy the happy indifference of those choice spirits who beheld the
distress of the scene, without discovering the least symptom of approbation or
concern! My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help
weeping with the heroine of the stage; though I practised a great many shifts to
conceal this impolite piece of weakness. - When the play was ended, I sat
waiting for an opportunity of handing some lady to her coach; but every one was
attended by such a number of officious gallants, that for a long time I was
baulked in my expectation. - At length, however, I perceived a very handsome
creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance from
me; upon which I went up to her, and offered my service. - She seemed to be in
some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance, and with a tender look declined
giving me the trouble; looking at her watch, and testifying her surprise at the
negligence of her footman, whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her at
that hour. - I repeated my entreaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was
master of; and in the event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I
made, to send my servant for a chair or coach: Accordingly, Strap was detached
for that purpose, and returned without success, there being none to be found; by
this time the play-house was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire: As I
led her through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion,
standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink, and
when we were past, I heard them set up the loud laugh. - This arroused my
attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady's character,
before I should have any nearer connexion with her. - As no convenience
appeared, I proposed, that I should conduct her to a tavern, where we might stay
a few minutes, until my servant could fetch a coach from the Strand. - She
seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern with a stranger; but at
last, yielded to my pathetic remonstrances, rather than endanger her health, by
remaining in a cold damp thorough-fare. - Having thus far succeeded, I begged to
know what wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the
greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors; and it was with much
difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly. - In the mean time, I
endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she discovered, by saying all the
agreeable things I could think of; at which she would often sigh, and regard me
with a languishing look, that seemed too near a-kin to the lewd leer of a
courtezan. - This discovery added to my former suspicion, while it put me upon
my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain
her with more gaity and freedom. - In the course of our conversation, I pressed
her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day, at her lodgings, which
she, with many apologies, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who
was of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. - This information, by
which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not check my
addresses, which became more and more importunate, and I was even hardy enough
to ravish a kiss. - But, O heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial
flavour, that her delicacy and complexion promised, I was almost suffocated with
the steams of Geneva! An exhalation of this kind from a mouth which had just
before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not only changed
my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it would have been
impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance five minutes longer,
when my servant returned with a coach. - I took the advantage of this occasion,
and presented my hand to the lady, who put in practice against me the whole
artillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so
little reserve, that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with
joy as he followed us to the door; - but I was proof against all her
endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to take my leave
immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house, whispering,
that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the pleasure of my
conversation for half an hour without interruption. - I told her, there was no
mortification I would not undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her
ladyship; and bidding the coachman drive on, wished her a good night. - She lost
all temper at my indifference, and stopping the coach at the distance of about
twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and bawled with the lungs of a
fish-woman, »D-n you, you dog, won't you pay the coach-hire?« I made no answer:
Upon which she held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself;
calling me pitiful fellow, scoundrel, and an hundred such appellations; and
concluding with an oath, that for all my appearance, she believed I had got no
money in my pocket.
    Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered the coachman to proceed, and
I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for supper, very well
pleased at the issue of this adventure. - I dispensed with the attendance of the
waiter at table, on pretence that my own servant was present, and when we were
alone, said to Strap; »Well, Monsieur d'Estrapes, what d'ye think of this lady?«
My friend, who had not opened his mouth since her departure, could make no other
reply than the monosyllable »Think!« which he pronounced with a note of fear and
astonishment. - Surprized at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and perceiving
a wildness in his looks, asked if he had seen his grandfather's ghost? - »Ghost!
(said he) I am sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that
so much devilish malice and Billingsgate, could lurk under such sweetness of
countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti nulla fides -
nimium ne crede colori - but we ought to down on our knees and bless God from
delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre.« - I was pretty much of
Strap's opinion, and though I did not believe myself in any danger from the
allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection
for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally prejudicial to my
purse and constitution.
    My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance; for
which purpose, I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for the resort of good
company, English as well as foreigners, where my appearance procured all the
civilities and advances I could desire. There being an ordinary in the same
house, I went up stairs to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at
table with thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than
myself. - The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned
chiefly on politicks; and I soon found the whole company was in the French
interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who contradicted every
thing that was advanced in favour of his Most Christian Majesty, with a
surliness truly English. - But this trusty patriot, who had never been out of
his own country, and drew all his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay,
was very unequal to his antagonists, who were superior to him in learning and
experience, and often took the liberty of travellers, in asserting things which
were not strictly true, because they thought themselves in no danger of being
detected by him. - The claim of the queen of Spain to the Austrian dominions in
Italy, was fully explained and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me,
and by the solemnity of his manner, and the richness of his apparel, seemed to
be a foreign ambassador. - This dissertation introduced another on the Pragmatic
Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young gentleman at my right hand,
dressed in a green frock trimmed with gold, who justified the French king for
his breach of that contract; and affirmed that he could not have observed it,
without injuring his own glory. - Although I was not at all convinced by this
gentleman's arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity, which I imagined
must be the effect of his illustrious birth, and noble education, and
accordingly rated him in my conjecture as a young prince on his travels. - The
discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman of a very martial
appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of Dettingen was fought over
again, with so many circumstances to the honour of the French, and disadvantage
of the Allies, that I began to entertain some doubts of my having been there in
person; and took the liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced. -
This introduced a dispute which lasted a good while, to the mortification of all
present; and was at last referred to the determination of a grave person, whom
they stiled doctor, and who under a show of great moderation, decided it against
me, with so little regard to truth, that I taxed him with partiality in pretty
severe terms, to the no small entertainment of the true English politician, who
rejoiced at my defence of a cause he had so often espoused without success: My
opponent pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great deal of
candour, and told me, he would not have been so positive, if he had not been at
great pains to inform himself of each particular - »Indeed, (said he) I am
convinced, that, the previous steps considered, things could not happen
otherwise; for we generals who have seen service, tho' we may not be on the spot
ourselves, know by the least sketch of the disposition, what must be the event.«
- He then censured, with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of
those who commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the Ministry,
which he honoured with many invectives, for employing people who had neither
experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers who had been
distinguished for both; dropped many hints of his own importance; and concluded
with observing, that the French and Spaniards knew better how to value generals
of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the conquests they gain, and the
admirable discipline of their troops, which are at the same time better clothed
and paid than any soldiers in the universe. These remarks furnished the green
knight with an opportunity of launching out in the praise of French government
in general, civil as well as military; on which occasion he made many odious
comparisons to the disadvantage of the English: Every body, almost, assented to
the observations he made, and the doctor gave his sanction, by saying, the
people in France were undoubtedly the happiest subjects in the world. - I was so
much astonished and confounded at their infatuation and effrontery, that I had
not power to utter one word in opposition to their assertions; but my morose
associate could not put up with the indignity that was offered to old England,
and therefore with a satirical grin addressed himself to the general in these
words: »Sir, Sir, I have often heard it said, She's a villainous bird that
befouls her own nest. - As for what those people who are foreigners say, I don't
mind it, they know no better; but you who were bred and born, and have got your
bread under the English government, should have more regard to gratitude as well
as truth, in censuring your native country. - If the ministry have thought fit
to lay you aside, I suppose they have their own reasons for so doing; and you
ought to remember that you still live on the bounty of this nation. - As for
these gentlemen, (meaning the prince and ambassador) who make so free with our
constitution, laws and genius of our people, I think they might show a little
more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to blame in harbouring,
protecting and encouraging such ungrateful vagrants as they are.« - At these
words the chevalier in green started up in a great passion, and laying his hand
on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, »Ha! foutre!« - The Englishman on the
other hand, grasping his cane, cried, »Don't foutre me, sirrah, or by G-d, I'll
knock you down.« - The company interposed, the Frenchman sat down again, and his
antagonist proceeded - »Lookee, monsieur, you know very well, that had you dared
to speak so freely of the administration of your own country in Paris, as you
have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to the Bastille without
ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and never seen the light of
the sun again. - Now, Sir, take my word for it, although our constitution
screens us from such oppression, we want not laws to chastise the authors of
seditious discourse; and if I hear another syllable out of your mouth, in
contempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of
what I advance, and have you laid by the heels for your presumption.« - This
declaration had an effect on the company, as sudden as surprising. - The young
prince became supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general sat
silent and abashed, and the doctor, who, it seems, had felt the rod of power,
grew pale as death, and assured us all, that he had no intention to affront any
person or people. - »Your principles, doctor, (resumed the old gentleman) are no
secret - I have nothing to say upon that head; but am very much surprised, that
a man who despises us so much, should notwithstanding live among us, when he has
no visible motive for so doing. - Why don't you take up your habitation in your
beloved France, where you may rail at England without censure?« - To this the
doctor thought proper to make no reply; and an unsocial silence ensued; which I
perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle disputes, maintained very
often for whim or diversion, should create any misunderstanding among gentlemen
of good sense; and proposed to drink down all animosity in another bottle. -
This motion was applauded by the whole company: The wine was brought, and the
English champion declaring he had no spleen against any man for differing in
opinion from him, any more than for difference of complexion, drank to the good
health of all present; the compliment was returned, and the conversation once
more became unreserved, though more general than before. - Among other topicks,
the subject of war was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great
eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of illustration. - In the
course of his harrangue he happened to mention the word epaulement, upon which
the testy gentleman asked the meaning of that term. - »I'll tell you what an
epaulement is, (replied he) - I never saw an epaulement but once - and that was
at the siege of Namur - in a council of war, monsieur Cohorn, the famous
engineer, affirmed that the place could not be taken.« - »Yes, (said the prince
of Vaudemont) it may be taken by an epaulement.« - »This was immediately put in
execution, and in twenty-four hours Mareschal Boufflers was fain to capitulate.«
- Here he made a full stop, and the old gentleman repeated the question, »But
pray what is an epaulement?« - To this the officer made no immediate reply, but
rung the bell and called for a bill, which being brought, he threw down his
proportion of the reckoning, and telling the company, he would show them what an
epaulement is, when his Majesty thought fit to entrust him with the command of
our army abroad, strutted away with great dignity. - I could not imagine why he
was so shy of explaining one of the most simple terms of fortification; which I
forthwith described as a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or faschins; but
I was very much surprised when I afterwards understood that his reserve
proceeded from his ignorance. - Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the
coffee-room, where my fellow-labourer insisted on treating me with a dish,
giving me to understand at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion,
both with respect to my principles and intellects. - I thanked him for his
compliment, and professing myself an utter stranger in this part of the world,
begged he would have the goodness to inform me of the quality and characters of
the people who dined above. - This request was a real favour to one of his
disposition, which was no less communicative than curious; he therefore complied
with great satisfaction, and let me know, to my extreme astonishment, that the
supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the theatres; and the ambassador no
other than a fidler belonging to the opera. »The doctor (said he) is a Roman
Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in the character of an officer, and
assumes the name of captain; but more generally takes the garb, title and
behaviour of a physician, in which capacity he wheedles himself into the
confidence of weak-minded people, and by arguments no less specious than false,
converts them from their religion and allegiance. - He has been in the hands of
justice more than once for such practices; but he is a sly dog, and manages
matters with so much craft, that hitherto he has escaped for a short
imprisonment. - As for the general, you may see he has owed his promotion more
to his interest than his capacity; and now that the eyes of the ministry are
opened, his friends dead, or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the list,
and obliged to put up with a yearly pension; in consequence of this reduction,
he is become malecontent, and enveighs against the government in all companies,
with so little discretion, that I am surrpised at the lenity of the
administration in overlooking his insolence, but the truth of the matter is, he
owes his safety to his weakness and want of importance. - He has seen a little,
and but a little service, and yet if you will take his word for it, there has
not been a great action performed in the field since the revolution, in which he
was not principally concerned. When a story is told of any great general, he
immediately matches it with one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his
invention, and commits such gross blunders in the detail, that every body is in
pain for him. - Cæsar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great are continually in his
mouth; and as he reads a good deal without any judgment to digest it, his ideas
are confused, and his harrangues as unintelligible as infinite; for, once he
begins, there is no chance of his leaving off speaking, while one person remains
to yield attention; therefore the only expedient I know, of putting a stop to
his loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered, and demand an
explanation; or ask the meaning of some difficult term that he knows by name
only, this will effectually put him to silence, if not to flight, as it happened
when I enquired about an epaulement. - Had he been acquainted with the
signification of that word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must
have quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence.« - Having thus
gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began to discover his own, in
questions relating to myself, to which I thought proper to return ambiguous
answers. - »I presume, Sir, (said he) you have travelled.« - I answered, »Yes.«
- »I dare say, you would find it very expensive (said he.)« - I replied, »To be
sure, one cannot travel without money.« - »That I know by experience (said he)
for I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay
sauce for what he has on the road as well in other countries as in this. -
That's a very pretty stone in your ring, - give me leave, Sir, - the French have
attained to a wonderful skill in making compositions of this kind. - Why now,
this looks almost as well as a diamond.« - »Almost as well, Sir, (said I) why
not altogether? - I'm sure if you understand any thing of jewels, you must
perceive at first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very
fine water. - Take it in your hand, and examine it.« - He did so, with some
confusion, and returned it, saying, »I ask your pardon, I see it is a true
brilliant of immense value.« - I imagined his respect for me increased after
this inquiry; therefore to captivate his esteem the more, I told him, I would
show him a seal of composition, engraved after a very valuable antique; upon
which I pulled out my watch with a rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set
in gold, and an opal ring. - He viewed each of them with great eagerness,
handled the chain, admired the chased case, and observed that the whole must
have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and replied in a
careless manner, »Some trifle of sixty or seventy guineas.« Upon which he stared
in my face for some time, and then asked if I was an Englishman. - I answered in
the negative. - »You are from Ireland then, Sir, I presume, (said he.)« I made
the same reply. »O! perhaps (said he) you was born in one of our settlements
abroad.« - I still answered no. - He seemed very much surprised, and said, he
was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon the
tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty. - He could not contain his anxiety, but
asked pardon for the liberties he had taken, and to encourage me the more to
disclose my situation, display'd his own without reserve. - »I am (said he) a
single man, have a considerable annuity, on which I live according to my own
inclination; and make the ends of the year meet very comfortably. - As I have no
estate to leave behind me, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness
of relations, or legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made for me, not me
for the world: It is my maxim therefore to enjoy it while I can, and let
futurity shift for itself.« - While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and
at the same time, no doubt, expected a retaliation from me; a young man entered,
dressed in black velvet and an enormous tye-wig, with an air in which natural
levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together, that on the whole, he
appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This ridiculous oddity danced up to the
table at which we sat, and after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend by the
name of Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged upon business. - My companion put on
a surly countenance, and replied, »No great business, doctor - but however.« -
»O! then (cried the physician) I must beg your indulgence a little, pray pardon
me, gentlemen. - Sir, (said he, addressing himself to me) your most humble
servant, I hope you will forgive me, Sir - I must beg the favour to sit - Sir -
Sir - I have something of consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar - Sir, I
hope you will excuse my freedom in whispering. Sir.« - Before I had time to give
this complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, »I'll have no
whispering - if you have any thing to say to me, speak with an audible voice.« -
The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this exclamation, and turning again
to me, making a thousand apologies for pretending to make a mystery of any
thing, which he said was owing to his ignorance of my connexion with Mr. Medlar;
but now he understood I was a friend, he would communicate what he had to say,
in my hearing. - He then began, after two or three hems, in this manner: - »You
must know Sir, I am just come from dinner at my lady Flareit's, (then addressing
himself to me) a lady of quality, Sir, at whose table I have the honour of
dining sometimes. - There was lady Stately, and my lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty,
and Miss Biddy Gigler, upon my word, a very good natured young lady, with a very
pretty fortune, Sir. - There was also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and
master Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young gentleman. - So,
Sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was the last of
fifteen patients (people of distinction, Sir) whom I have visited this
fore-noon, - insisted upon my staying dinner, - though upon my word, I protest I
had no appetite; however, in compliance with her ladyship's request, Sir, I sat
down, and the conversation turning on different subjects, among other things,
Mr. Chatter asked very earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar, - I told him I had not
had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen hours and a half; for you may
remember, Sir, it was nearly about that time; I won't be positive as to a
minute.« - »No! (says he) then I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately
after dinner, and see what is the matter with him, for he must certainly be very
bad from having eat last night such a vast quantity of raw oysters.« - The
crusty gentleman, who from the solemnity of his delivery, expected something
extraordinary, no sooner heard his conclusion, than he started up in a testy
humour, crying, »Pshaw, pshaw! d-n your oysters;« and walked away after a short
compliment of »Your servant, Sir,« to me. - The doctor got up also, saying, »I
vow and protest, upon my word, I am actually amazed.« - and followed Mr. Medlar
to the bar, which was hard by, where he was paying for the coffee; there he
whispered so loud that I could overhear, »Pray, who is this gentleman?« - His
friend replied hastily, »I might have known that before now, if it had not been
for your impertinent intrusion,« - and walked away very much disappointed. - The
ceremonious physician returned immediately and sat down by me, asking a thousand
pardons for leaving me alone; and giving me to understand that what he had
communicated to Mr. Medlar at the bar was an affair of the last importance, that
would admit of no delay. - He then called for some coffee, and launched out into
the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in cold phlegmatic constitutions,
like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves. - He
let me know, that it was utterly unknown to the ancients; and derived its name
from an Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by the sound and
termination. - From this topick he transferred his disquisitions to the verb
drink, which he affirmed, was improperly applied to the taking of coffee, in as
much as people did not drink, but sip or sipple that liquor; - that the genuine
meaning of drinking is to quench one's thirst, or commit a debauch by swallowing
wine; - that the Latin word, which conveyed the same idea, was bibere or potare,
and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they were
differently used on different occasions: For example; to drink a vast quantity,
or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin potare,
and in Greek poteein; and on the other hand, to use it moderately, was bibere
and pinein; - that this was only a conjecture of his own, which, however, seemed
to be supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied to the pores
of the skin, that can only drink a very small quantity of the circumambient
moisture, by reason of the smallness of their diameters; -- whereas, from the
verb poteein, is derived the substantive potamos, which signifies a river, or
vast quantity of liquor. - I could not help smiling at this learned and
important investigation; and to recommend myself the more to my new
acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this time well informed of, I observed,
that what he alleged, did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in the
writings of the ancients; for, Horace uses the words poto and bibo indifferently
for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode of his first Book.
 
Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis, --
-- Et prælo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam.
 
That I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that potamos, potema, and potos,
were derived from pino, poso, pepoka: in consequence of which, the Greek poets
never use any other word for festal drinking. - Homer describes Nestor at his
cups in these words:
 
Nestora d' ouk elathen jache pinonta perempes.
 
And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion almost in every page,
 
Pionti d' oinon hedun
Otan pino ton oinon.
Opliz' ego de pino.
 
And in a thousand other places. - The doctor, who, doubtless, intended by his
criticism, to give me an high idea of his erudition, was infinitely surprised to
find himself schooled by one in my appearance; and after a considerable pause,
cried, »Upon my word! you are in the right, Sir. - I find I have not considered
this affair with my usual accuracy.« - Then accosting me, in Latin, which he
spoke very well, the conversation was maintained full two hours, on a variety of
subjects, in that language; and indeed, he spoke so judiciously, that I was
convinced, notwithstanding his whimsical appearance, and attention to trifles,
of his being a man of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked upon
me, as I afterwards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and
proposed that very night, if I was not engaged, to introduce me to several young
gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom he had an appointment at the Bedford
coffee-house.
 

                                  Chapter XLVI

Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine gentlemen, with whom I spend the evening
at a tavern -- our conversation -- the characters of my new companions -- the
doctor is roasted -- the issue of our debauch
 
I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney-coach,
where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most of whom spoke
to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest, stood a group of them
around the fire, whom I immediately knew to be the very persons who had the
night before, by their laughing, alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put
herself under my protection. - They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr.
Wagtail (for that was my companion's name) than they tittered and whispered one
to another; and I was not a little surprised to find that they were the
gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for when he
observed them together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what
name he should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced
with great gravity, saying, »Gentlemen, your most obedient - give me leave to
introduce my friend Mr. Random, to your society.« Then turning to me, »Mr.
Random, this is Mr. Bragwell - Mr. Banter, Sir - Mr. Chatter - my friend Mr.
Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, Sir.« - I saluted each of them in order, and when I
came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his
cheek, to the no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper
to take any notice of it, on this occasion. - Mr. Ranter too, (who I afterwards
learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, features and
voice, while he returned my compliment: - This I should not have been so
sensible of, had I not seen him behave in the same manner, to my friend Wagtail,
when he made up to them at first. - But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of
his dexterity without question or control, resolved however, to chastize his
insolence at a more convenient opportunity. - Mr. Slyboot guessing I was a
stranger, asked if I had been lately in France; and when I answered in the
affirmative, enquired if I had seen the Luxemburg gallery: I told him, I had
considered it more than once, with great attention: Upon this a conversation
ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter. - While we were discoursing
upon the particular pieces of this famous collection, I overheard Banter ask Dr.
Wagtail, where he had picked up this Mr. Random. - To which question the
physician answered, »Upon my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman - a man
of fortune, Sir - he has made the grand tour - and seen the best company in
Europe, Sir.« - »What, he told you so? I suppose, (said the other) I take him to
be neither more nor less than a French valet de chamber.« - »Oh! barbarous,
barbarous! (cried the doctor) this is actually, upon my word, altogether
unaccountable. - I know all his family perfectly well, Sir - He's of the Randoms
in the north - a very ancient house, Sir, and a distant relation of mine.« - I
was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a
very indifferent opinion of my company in general; but as I might possibly, by
their means, acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined
to bear these little mortifications as long as I could, without injuring the
dignity of my character. - After having talked for some time on the weather,
plays, politicks, and other coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we
should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we
repaired in a body. - Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine,
and bespoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my
associates opened upon me more and more. - It soon appeared that the doctor was
entertained as a butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon, for
the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game, by asking him what was
good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits and indigestion, he being troubled
with all these complaints to a very great degree. - Wagtail immediately
undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner,
harrangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition,
and repletion; then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their
respective operations; ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in these
organs, proceeding from hard drinking and vociferation, and prescribed a course
of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, and loud speaking, laughing,
singing, coughing, sneezing or hollowing. - »Pah, pah, (cried Ranter,
interrupting him) the remedy is worse than the disease - I wish I knew where to
find some tinder-water.« - »Tinder-water! (said the doctor) upon my word I don't
apprehend you, Mr. Ranter.« - »Water extracted from tinder (replied the other)
an universal specific for all distempers incident to man. - It was invented by a
learned German monk, who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to
Paracelsus.« - »Pardon me (cried the painter) it was first used by Solomon, as
appears by a Greek manuscript, in his own hand-writing, lately found at the foot
of mount Lebanon, by a peasant who was digging for potatoes.« - »Well, (said
Wagtail) in all my vast reading, I never met with such a preparation! neither
did I know till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes
grew in Palestine.« - Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that
doctor Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solomon's understanding Greek,
when he is represented to us as the wisest and best educated prince in the
world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in the
time of the Crusades, by some knights of that country. - »I profess (said the
doctor) there is nothing more likely - I would actually give a vast sum for a
sight of that manuscript, which must be inestimable - and if I understood the
process, would set about it immediately.« - The player assured him, the process
was very simple - that he must cram a hundred weight of dry tinder into a glass
retort, and distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a
scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. - »Upon my
integrity! (exclaimed the credulous doctor) this is very amazing and
extraordinary! that a caput mortuum shall yield any water at all - I must own, I
have always been an enemy to specifics, which I thought inconsistent with the
nature of the animal economy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not to
be questioned. - I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to
contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of which must
undoubtedly raise the price of paper - or where shall I find animal heat
sufficient, even to warm such a mass.« - Slyboot informed him, that he might
have a retort blown for him as big as a church, and that the easiest method of
raising the vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an
infirmary for feverish patients, who might lie upon matrasses around, and in
contact with it. - He had no sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail
exclaimed in a rapture, »An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will
positively put it in practice.« - This simplicity of the physician furnished
excellent diversion for the company, who in their turns, sneered at him in
ironical compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of
their hearts. - Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out, and
entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the last
Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the dress and
ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the
men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that his mistress Melinda was there and
seemed to miss him; and soliciting his company at the next occasion of that
kind. - »No, no, damme (said Bragwell) I have something else to mind than
dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; - besides, you know my temper is
so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes, when a woman is
concerned. - The last time I was there, I had an affair with Tom Trippet.« - »O!
I remember that (cried Banter) you lugged out before the ladies; and I commend
you for so doing, because you had an opportunity of showing your manhood,
without running any risk.« - »Risk! (said the other with a fierce countenance)
d-n my blood! I fear no risks. - I a'n't afraid of lugging out against any man
that wears a head, damme! 'tis well known I have drawn blood more than once, and
lost some too; but what does that signify?« - The player begged this champion to
employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see
a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such a part the more
naturally on the stage. - »Die! (replied the hero) No, by G-d! I know better
things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury - I should look upon my
fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b-ch, if he had not taught me to prick
any part of my antagonist's body, that I please to disable.« - »Oho! (cried
Slyboot) if that be the case, I have a favour to ask: You must know I am
employed to paint a Jesus on the cross; and my purpose is to represent him at
that point of time, when the spear is thrust into his side. - Now I should be
glad you would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions,
without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking a good
clever agony from nature: - The doctor will direct you where to enter, and how
far to go; but pray let it be as near the left side as possible.« - Wagtail, who
took this proposal seriously, observed, that it would be a very difficult matter
to penetrate into the left side of the thorax, without hurting the heart, and of
consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a
very nice hand, and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma
somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being
attended with death; - that he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that
muscle to Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the experiment,
which might essentially prejudice his reputation in case of a miscarriage. -
Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter's waggery as the doctor, and
declined engaging in the affair, saying, he had a very great regard for Mr.
Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to fight except when his honour
was engaged. - A thousand jokes of this kind were pass'd; the wine circulated,
supper was served in, we eat heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became
noisy and troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed,
Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sung French catches, and Chatter
kissed me with great affection; while the doctor with a woeful countenance, sat
silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. - At length, it was proposed by Bragwell,
that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then
reel soberly to bed.
    While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into the room,
and asked for doctor Wagtail; when he understood he was present, he told him,
there was a lady below to enquire for him; at which the physician started from
his melancholy contemplation, and with a look of extreme confusion, assured the
company, he could not possibly be the person wanted, for he had no connexion
with any lady whatever; and bid the drawer tell her so. - »For shame! (cried
Banter) would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady the hearing? perhaps she
comes for a consultation. - It must be some extraordinary affair that brings a
lady to a tavern at this time o'night. - Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's
baise-mains to the lady, and squire her hither.« - The player immediately
staggered out, and returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall strapping
wench, whose appearance proclaimed her condition. We received her with the
utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was persuaded to sit,
when a profound silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a
disconsolate look, upon the doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour,
and returned her melancholy four-fold; at length, after a good many piteous
sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: »What! not one word of
comfort? Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not
all my affliction! Not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! Where are
thy vows, thou faithless perjured man? - Hast thou no honour? - no conscience -
no remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me! - answer me, wilt thou at last
do me justice, or must I have recourse to heaven and hell for my revenge!« - If
poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing
this address. His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes
rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered in an accent not to be described; --
»Upon my word, honour, and salvation! madam, you are actually mistaken in my
person, - I have a most particular veneration for your sex, madam, and am
actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam, -
besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour of seeing
you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!« - »How, traitor! (cried she) dost
thou disown me then? - Mistaken! no, - too well I know that fair bewitching
face! too well I know that false enchanting tongue! alas! gentlemen, since the
villain compels me, by his unkindness, to expose myself and him, know, that this
betrayer, under the specious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and
taking advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and
afterwards abandoned me to my fate! - I am now four months gone with child by
him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery and want!
Yes, thou Barbarian (said she, turning to Wagtail) thou tiger, thou Succubus!
too well thou knows my situation - but I will tear out thy faithless heart,
and deliver the world from such a monster.« - So saying, she sprung forward at
the doctor, who, with incredible agility, jumped over the table and got behind
Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine -
Although every body in the company affected the utmost surprise, I could easily
perceive it was a scheme concerted among them, to produce diversion at the
doctor's expense; and being under no concern about the consequence, I entered
into the confederacy, and enjoy'd the distress of Wagtail, who with tears in his
eyes, begged the protection of the company, declaring himself as innocent of the
crime laid to his charge, as the foetus in utero; and hinting at the same time,
that nature had not put it in his power to be guilty of such a trespass -
»Nature! (cried the lady,) there was no nature in the case - he abused me by the
help of charms and spells; else how is it possible, that any woman could have
listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? - Were these owlish eyes made for
ogling; that carrion complexion to be admired; or that mouth like a horseshoe to
be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to your drugs and
incantations; and not to your natural talents, which are in every respect mean
and contemptible« - The doctor now thought he had got an opportunity of
vindicating himself effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself
but for half an hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing
in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance and
superstition. - He accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse upon the
nature of ideas, the powers and independance of the mind, the properties of
stimulating medicines, the difference between a proneness to venery, which many
simples would create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only be the
result of sense and reflection; and concluded with a pathetic remonstrance,
setting forth his unhappiness of being persecuted with the resentment of a lady
whom he had never injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose
faculties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes, that an
innocent person was in danger of being ruined by her disorder. - He had no
sooner finished his harrangue, than the forlorn princess began her lamentations
afresh, and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which, she said, was
able to byass the most impartial bench in christendom. - Banter advised him to
espouse her immediately, as the only means to salve his reputation, and offered
to accompany him to the Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a
father should be purchased for the child, and a comfortable alimony settled on
the mother. Ranter promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to
worship him for his generosity; and though he persisted in protesting his
innocence, condescended to every thing rather than his unblemished character
should be called in question. - The lady rejected the expedient, and insisted on
matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to rid him
of her importunity, for half a guinea; upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness,
pulled out his purse and put it into the hand of his friend, who taking half a
piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bid her thank God for her good
fortune. When she had received this bounty, she affected to weep, and begged,
since the physician had renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting
kiss; this he was prevailed upon to grant, with great reluctance, and went up,
with his usual solemnity, to salute her; she laid hold of his cheek with her
teeth and held fast, while he roared with anguish, to the unspeakable diversion
of all present. When she thought proper to release him, she dropped a low
courtesy to the company, and quitted the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost
horror, not so much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the
consequence of the bite; for by this time, he was convinced of her being mad.
Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be
heated, in order to sear the place. - The player was of opinion that Bragwell
should scoop out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the painter
prevented both these dreadful operations, by recommending a balsam he had in his
pocket, which never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog: With these words, he
pulled out a small bladder of black paint, with which he instantly anointed not
only the fore, but the greatest part of the patient's face, and left it in a
frightful condition. - In short, the poor creature was so harrassed with fear
and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, and sent him home in a chair,
contrary to the inclination of every body present.
    This freedom of mine, gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his
displeasure, by swearing a few threats, without making any application; which
was no sooner perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, than with a view of promoting
a quarrel, he whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me very ill; but
every man was the best judge of his own affairs. - I answered aloud, that I
would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me ill with impunity; and that
I stood in no need of his counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct. -
He thought proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assure me, he meant no offence;
while Bragwell feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged to take
notice of what passed. - But the player, who had more animal spirits, and less
prudence than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest, where he had dropped it,
jogged Mr. Bragwell, and told him softly, that I called him names, and threatened
to cudgel him. - This I understood by his starting up and crying, »Blood and
wounds! you lie - No man durst treat me so ignominiously, - Mr. Random, did you
call me names, and threaten to drub me?« I denied the imputation, and proposed
to punish the scoundrel, who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company;
Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and
accosted the actor in these words, »Lookee, Mr. Ranter, I know you possess all
the mimickry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have observed you
put them in practice more than once to-night, on me and others; now I want to
see if you resemble one in nimbleness also; therefore I desire you to leap over
this sword without hesitation;« so saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at
the distance of about three feet from the floor, and called, »Once - twice -
thrice, and away;« - but instead of complying with my command, he snatched his
hat and hanger, and assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst out
in the following exclamation, »Ha! must I then perform inglorious prank, of
Sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful
days, and lay my hand in fury's lap - Have we not Hiren here?« - This buffoonery
did not answer his expectation, for by this time the company was bent on seeing
him in a new character. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two
higher, that he might have the better opportunity of exerting himself. - The
painter told him, if he performed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter to
the proprietors of Sadler's Wells; and Bragwell crying, »Leap for the king,«
applied the point of his sword to the player's posteriors, with such success,
that he sprung over in a trice, and finding the door unguarded, vanished in a
twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of the reckoning so easily.
    It being now near two a-clock in the morning, we discharged the bill, and
sallied out into the street. - The painter slunk away without taking his leave.
- Billy Chatter being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a Bagnio; and Banter
and I accompanied Bragwell to Moll King's coffee-house, where after he had
kicked half a dozen of hungry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and
directed our course towards Charing-Cross, near which place both he and I
lodged.
    The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he honoured me
by the way with many compliments and professions of friendship, for which I made
suitable acknowledgments, and told him, I thought myself happy in having, by my
behaviour, removed the unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight.
- He was surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself: Upon
which I mentioned what I had over-heard him say of me to Wagtail, in the
coffee-house. - He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, assuring me,
that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour; and what he
said, was only intended as a joke on the doctor's solemnity. - I was highly
pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a little proud of the
good opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to
meet me next day at the ordinary.
 

                                 Chapter XLVII

Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made on a chandler's widow - finds
himself miserably mistaken -- I go to the opera -- admire Melinda -- am
cautioned by Banter -- go to the assembly at Hampstead -- dance with that young
lady - receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose mettle is soon cooled --
am in favour with my mistress, whom I visit next day; and am bubbled out of
eighteen guineas at cards -- Strap triumphs at my success, but is astonished at
my expense -- Banter comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expense, and
borrows five guineas from me, as a proof of his friendship
 
In the morning before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and finding me
awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his eyes upon the ground,
and with a very foolish kind of a simper on his face, let me know he had
something to communicate. - »By your countenance (said I) I expect to hear good
tidings.« - »Indifferent (replied he, tittering) that is, thereafter as it shall
be. - You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition.« - »What!
(cried I, astonished) a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the
heels of me at last.« - »N'-no less, I'll assure you (said he, bursting into a
laugh of self-approbation) a tallow-chandler's widow, that lives hard by, has
taken a liking to me. - A fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. - She has a
well furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready. - I may have
her for the asking. - She told a friend of mine, a brother footman, that she
would take me out of a stinking clout. - But I refused to give my final answer,
till I knew your opinion of the matter.« - I congratulated Monsieur d'Estrapes
upon his conquest, and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of
these circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and
give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be brought to a
conclusion. - He assured me he would do nothing without my consent and
approbation, and that very morning, while I was at breakfast, introduced his
innamorata to my acquaintance. - She was a short thick woman, about the age of
thirty-six, and had a particular prominence of belly, which I perceived at first
sight, not without some suspicion of foul play. - I desired her, however, to
sit, and treated her with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good
qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and
virtue. - When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and returned
licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a luscious creature. - I
made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared my sentiments of her without
reserve; at which he was not surprised, telling me, he had observed the same
symptom, but was informed by his friend that she was only livergrown, and would
in a few months be as small in the Waist as ever. - »Yes, (said I) a few weeks,
I believe, will do the business. - In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you
are egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other than a rascal who
wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself
from the importunities of the mother, and the expense of her bantling; for which
reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report he makes of her
wealth, which is inconsistent with his behaviour; nor run your head
precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards wished exchanged for the
hangman's«. He seemed very much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look
twice before he leaped; saying, with some heat, »Odd, if I find his intention is
to betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man.« - My prediction was
verified in less than a fortnight; her great belly producing an infant, to the
unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was, before this happened, inclinable to
believe I had refined a little too much in my penetration. His false friend
disappeared, and in a few days after, an execution was issued against her goods
and household-furniture, which were seized by the creditors.
    Mean while I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening went
to the opera with him and Mr. Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in one of the
boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the same time, that she
was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds. - This piece of information made
my heart bound with joy, and I discovered great eagerness to accept the
proposal; upon which he assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly,
if he had any influence in that quarter; so saying, he went round, spoke to her
some minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed to me, then returning, told me, to my
inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had promised, for she
was now engaged as my partner. - Banter, in a whisper, gave me to understand
that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would grant the same favour to any
young fellow in England, of a tolerable appearance, meerly to engage him among
the herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of seeing them
increase daily; - that she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every
passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager, the
wealthiest fool should carry her at last. I attributed a good deal of this
intelligence to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment, for having
himself suffered a rebuff from the lady in question; and at any rate, trusted so
much to my own accomplishments, as to believe no woman could resist the ardour
of my addresses.
    Full of this confidence, I repaired to Hampstead, in company with Billy
Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and doctor Wagtail. - Here I saw a very brilliant
assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with Melinda, who
charmed me with her frank manner of receiving me, and easiness of behaviour. -
Before the country dances began, I received a message by a person I did not
know, from Bragwell, who was present, importing that no body who knew him,
presumed to dance with Melinda, while he was there in person; and that I would
do well to relinquish her without noise, because he had a mind to lead up a
country dance with her. This extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in
the lady's hearing, did not at all discompose me, who by this time was pretty
well acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the least
symptom of concern, bid the gentleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that while I was so
happy as to obtain the lady's consent, I should not be sollicitous about his;
and desired the bearer himself to bring me no such impertinent messages for the
future. Melinda affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr.
Bragwell should give himself such liberties with regard to her, who had no
manner of connexion with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display
my valour, and offered to call him to account for his insolence, which she
absolutely refused, under pretence of consulting my safety; though I could
perceive by the sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought herself
affronted in being the subject of a duel. I was by no means pleased with this
discovery of her thoughts, which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity,
but likewise the most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her
fortune, and resolved to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a
public quarrel between me and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never
drive matters to a dangerous extremity.
    While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end of the
room, encircled with a cluster of beaus, to whom he talked with great vehemence,
casting many big looks at me, from time to time: I guessed the subject of his
discourse, and as soon as I had handed my partner to her seat, strutted up to
the place where he stood, and cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he
had any thing to say to me. He answered with a sullen tone, »Nothing, at
present, Sir,« and turned about upon his heel. - »Well, (said I) you know where
I am to be found at any time.« - His companions stared at one another, and I
returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach, and immediately
a whisper run thro' the whole room; after which, so many eyes were turned upon
me, that I was ready to sink with confusion. - When the ball broke up, I led her
to her coach, and, like a true French gallant, would have got up behind it, in
order to protect her from violence on the road; but she absolutely refused my
offer, and expressed her concern that there was not an empty seat for me within
it.
    Next day in the afternoon I waited on her at her lodgings, by permission, in
company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by her mother, with whom she
lived; - there were a good many fashionable people present, chiefly young
fellows, and immediately after tea a couple of card tables were set, at one of
which I had the honour to play with Melinda, who in less than three hours made
shift to plunder me of eight guineas. - I was well enough content to lose a
little money with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity to say soft
things in the mean time, which are still most welcome, when attended with good
luck; but I was by no means satisfied with her fair play, a circumstance that
shocked me not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her
disinterestedness and delicacy. - However, I was resolved to profit by this
behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less ceremony; accordingly, I laid
close siege to her, and finding her not at all disgusted with the gross incense
I offered, that very night made a declaration of love in plain terms. - She
received my addresses with great gaity, and pretended to laugh them off, but at
the same time treated me with such particular complacency, that I was persuaded
I had made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man alive.
- Elevated with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards, after supper,
and with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated of ten guineas more.
    It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with a general
invitation; and when I got into bed, the adventures of the day hindered me from
sleeping. - Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of possessing a fine woman
with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate on the character I had heard of
her from Banter, and compare it with the circumstances of her conduct towards
me, which seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn. -
This introduced a melancholy reflection on the expense I had undergone, and the
smallness of my funds to support it, which, by the bye, were none of my own. -
In short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept me awake
the greatest part of the night.
    In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed these two days,
presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked his
opinion of the lady whom he had seen me conduct to her coach at Hampstead. -
»Odd! she's a delicious creature (cried he) and, as I am informed, a great
fortune. - I am sorry you did not insist on going home with her. - I dare say,
she would not have refused your company; for she seems to be a good-humoured
soul.« - »There's a time for all things (said I.) You must know, Strap, I was in
company with her till one o'clock this morning.« - I had no sooner pronounced
these words, than he began to caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying
in a transport, »The day's our own! - the day's our own!« I gave him to
understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that I had more
difficulties to surmount than he was aware of; then I recounted to him the
intelligence I had received from Banter. - At which he changed colour, shook his
head, and observed there was no faith in woman. - I told him, I was resolved to
make a bold push notwithstanding, although I foresaw it would lead me into a
great expense; and bid him guess the sum I had lost last night at cards. - He
scratched his chin, and professed his abhorrence of cards, the very name of
which being mentioned made him sweat with vexation, as it recalled the
money-dropper to his remembrance; »But however (said he) you have to do with
other guess people now. - Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run last night, you
would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve shillings.« - I was mortified
at this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at that time, was all affected by
way of reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat, if he thought I had
spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving him to know, at
the same time, that my expense amounted to eighteen guineas. - It would require
the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and concern of Strap, on
hearing this piece of news; the basin in which he was preparing the lather for
my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he remained some time immoveable in that
ludicrous attitude, with his mouth open, and his eyes thrust forward
considerably beyond their station; but remembering my disposition, which was
touchy and impatient of control, he smothered his chagrin, and attempted to
recollect himself. - With this view he endeavoured to laugh, but in spite of his
teeth, broke out into a whimper, took up his washball and pewter-pot, scrubbed
my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my face. - I took no notice
of his confusion, but after he had fully recovered himself, put him in mind of
his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender his effects whenever he
should think proper to demand them. - He was nettled at my insinuation, which he
thought proceeded from my distrust of his friendship; and begged I would never
talk to him in that strain again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.
    This good creature's unalterable friendship for me affected me with the most
grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of acquiring a
fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my generosity in my turn.
- For this purpose, I determined to bring matters to a speedy conclusion with
Melinda; well knowing that a few such nights as the last, would effectually
incapacitate me from prosecuting that, or any other advantageous amour.
    While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr. Banter
favoured me with a visit; and after breakfast, asked how I had passed the
preceeding evening - I answered, I was very agreeably entertained at a private
house. - »Yes, (said he, with a sarcastic smile) you deserved something
extraordinary for the price you paid.« - I was surprised at his remark, and
pretended ignorance of his meaning. - »Come, come, Random (continued he) you
need not make a mystery of it to me, the whole town has it. I wish that foolish
affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public - It has set
all the busy bodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and
you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your expense: One
suspects you to be Jesuit in disguise; another believes you are an agent from
the Pretender; a third believes you to be an upstart gamester, because no body
knows any thing of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion, that you are
an Irish fortune-hunter.« - This last hypothesis touched me so near, that, to
conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for
an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to live without
molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on, »For my own
part, I neither know nor desire to know, who, or what you are; this I am certain
of, that few people make a mystery of their origin and situation, who can boast
of any thing advantageous in either; - and my own opinion of the matter is, that
you have raised yourself by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you
now maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial scheme.« -
Here he fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me, and perceiving my face covered with
blushes, told me, now he was confirmed in his opinion; - »Look ye, Random, (said
he) I have divined your plan, and am confident it will never succeed - You are
too honest and too ignorant of the town, to practice the necessary cheats of
your profession, and detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you -
Besides, you are downright bashful - what the devil! set up for a
fortune-hunter, before you have conquered the sense of shame! - Perhaps you are
entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and better wife than
Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that rate; - or, if
you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you may say, as Teague
did, By my soul I have gained a loss! She would take care to spend her own
fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extravagance.« - I was
alarmed by this discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and expressed my
disgust, by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions, and desiring he would
give me leave to regulate my conduct according to the dictates of my own reason.
- He made an apology for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth
of his friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of which, he borrowed five
guineas, assuring me, there were very few people in the world whom he would so
far favour with his confidence. - I gave him the money, and professed myself so
well convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such
extraordinary proofs for the future. - »I thought (said he) to have asked five
pieces more, but hearing you was bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed you
might be out of cash, and resolved to model my demand accordingly.« I could not
help admiring the cavalier behaviour of this spark, of whom I desired to know
his reason for saying I was bubbled. - Whereupon he gave me to understand, that
before he came to my lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who having been
present, informed him of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said
to Melinda, with which he proposed to entertain the town; and among other
circumstances, assured him, my mistress cheated with so little art, that no body
but a meer novice could have been imposed upon.
    The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing my
money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my indignation, and
swore that no man should with impunity, either asperse the character of Melinda,
or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, that I would
find it a Herculean task to chastise every body who should laugh at my expense;
and as for the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what
was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, so far from being reckoned a
blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable indication of
superior genius and address. - »But let us wave this subject (said he) and go to
the coffee-house, in order to make a party for dinner.«
 

                                 Chapter XLVIII

We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute between
Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision -- the doctor gives us an
account of his experiment - Medlar is roasted by Banter, at the ordinary - the
old gentleman's advice to me
 
Being as willing to drop the theme, as he to propose it, I accompanied him
thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and doctor Wagtail, disputing upon the word
Custard, which the physician affirmed should be spelled with a G, because it was
derived from the Latin verb gustare, to taste. - But Medlar pleaded custom in
behalf of C, observing, that by the doctor's rule, we ought to change pudding
into budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and in that
case, why not retain the original orthography and pronounciation of all the
foreign words we have adopted; by which means our language would become a
dissonant jargon without standard or propriety. The controversy was referred to
us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided it in
favour of Wagtail: Upon which, the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the
monosyllable, pish! with great emphasis, removed to another table.
    We then enquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the experiment
of distilling tinder-water; and he told us, he had been at all the glass-houses
about town, but could find no body who would undertake to blow a retort large
enough to hold the third part of the quantity prescribed; but he intended to try
the process on as much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to
prove the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; - that he
had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in the reducing of which to
tinder, he had met with a misfortune which had obliged him to change his
lodgings: For he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set fire to them
with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would sustain no damage,
because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but by some very extraordinary
accident, the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with great violence, which
disordered him so much, that he had not presence of mind enough to call for
assistance, and the whole house must have been consumed with him in the midst of
it, had not the smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the
neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour. - That he had lost a pair of
black velvet breeches and a tye-wig in the hurry, besides the expense of the
rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to quench the flame, and the
damage of the floor, which he was compelled to repair. - That his landlord
believing him distracted, had insisted on his quitting his apartment at a
minute's warning, which put him to incredible inconvenience; but now he was
settled in a very comfortable house, and had the use of a large paved yard for
preparing his tinder: So that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits
of his labour.
    After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers,
we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an hour or
two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and after two or three turns, went
back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that he intended to roast Medlar, at the
ordinary; and indeed, we were no sooner set than this Cynic began to execute his
purpose by telling the old gentleman, he looked extremely well, considering the
little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no reply,
but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; - and Banter went on thus:
»I don't know whether most to admire the charity of your mind, or the vigour of
your body. - Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the best
taste of any man I know! You extend your compassion to real objects, and exact
only such returns as they are capable of making. - You must know, gentlemen,
(said he, turning to the company) I had been up most part of the night with a
friend who is bad of a fever, and on my return home this morning, I chanced to
pass by a gin-shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and
jollity: Upon which I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing
bare-headed in the midst of ten or twenty ragged Bunters, who rejoiced at his
expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you ought not to sacrifice your constitution to
your benevolence. - Consider you grow old apace; and therefore have a reverend
care of your health, which must certainly be very much impaired by these
nocturnal expeditions.« - The testy senior could no longer contain himself, but
cried hastily, »'Tis well known that your tongue is no slander.« - »I think
(said the other) you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible that
my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. - You may remember,
that when you made your addresses to the fat widow, who kept a public-house at
Islington, there was a report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood;
which coming to the ears of your mistress, you was discarded immediately; and I
brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at
nurse in the country: How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither
my business nor inclination to relate.« - This anecdote, which had no other
foundation than in Banter's own invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to
every body present, and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he
started up in a mighty passion, and forgetting that his mouth was full,
bespattered those who sat next to him, while he discharged his indignation in a
volly of oaths, and call'd Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent jackanapes,
and an hundred such appellations; telling the company, he had invented these
false malicious aspersions, because he would not lend him money to squander away
upon rooks and whores. - »A very likely story, (said Banter) that I should
attempt to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practice a thousand shifts to
make his weekly allowance hold out to Saturday's night. Sometimes he sleeps four
and twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three meals besides
coffee-house expense. - Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and cheese and
small beer for dinner; and sometimes he regales on two pennyworth of ox-cheek in
a cellar.« - »You are a lying miscreant (cried Medlar, in an exstacy of rage) I
can always command money enough to pay your tailor's bill, which I'm sure is no
trifle; and I have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my
circumstances, by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.« - By this time the
violence of his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat silent,
unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his mortification,
and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in plentifully for his next
day's fast.
    Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee-room, and Banter went
away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see Wagtail and me in
the evening at the Bedford coffee-house. - He was no sooner gone, than the old
gentleman took me aside, and said, he was sorry to see me so intimate with that
fellow who was one of the most graceless rakes about town, and had already
wasted a good estate and constitution upon harlots; - that he had been the ruin
of many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a
lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I was on my guard, he
would strip me in a short time, both of my money and reputation. I thanked him
for his information, and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing
however, his caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might
have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to
impute some part of the charge to Medlar's revenge for the liberties taken with
him at dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to
Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question; resolved to compare their
accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and form my judgment upon both,
without adhering strictly to either. - The doctor assured me that he was a very
pretty gentleman, of family and fortune; a scholar, a wit, a critick, and
perfectly well acquainted with the town; that his honour and courage were
unquestionable, though some extravagancies he had been guilty of, and his talent
for satire, had procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his
acquaintance. - From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a
young fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his
appetites, and fallen out with the world because he could not enjoy it to his
wish.
    I went to the Bedford coffee-house in the evening, where I met my friends,
from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them home to my
lodgings, where we supped with great harmony and satisfaction.
 

                                  Chapter XLIX

I receive a challenge -- the consequences of it -- the quarrel being made up, I
am put in arrest, by the care and affection of Strap - but immediately released
upon explaining my affair -- the behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his two friends --
I visit Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the duel -- I propose marriage
-- she refers the matter to her mother, of whom I make a solemn demand of her
daughter -- the old lady's behaviour -- I am discarded, resent their disdain
 
When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, directed To
Mr. Random, Esq; Those. - Which, upon opening, I found contained a challenge,
couched in these very extraordinary terms:
 
        »Sir,
            Whereas, I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda Goosetrap,
        This is to let you know, that she is under promise of marriage to me;
        and that I am at this present writing, at the back of Montague-house,
        with a pair of good pistols in my hand, and if you will keep your
        appointment, I will make your tongue confess (after the breath is out of
        your body) that you do not deserve her as well as
Yours, etc.
                                                                  Rourk Oregan.«
 
I guessed from the stile and subscription of this billet, that my rival was a
true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the contents, especially that
part, where he asserts his right to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did
not know how to reconcile to her penetration. - However, this was no time for me
to decline the invitation, because the success of my addresses might in a great
measure depend upon my behaviour in that affair. I therefore immediately loaded
my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney-coach to the place appointed, where I
found a tall raw-boned man, with a hard featured countenance, and black bushy
beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby great coat, over which his own
hair descended in a leathern queue from his head, that was covered with a greasy
hat trimmed with a tarnished pointe d'espagne. He no sooner perceived me
advancing, than without any preamble, he pulled a pistol from his bosom, and
presenting at me, snapt it. Alarmed at his rude salutation, I made a stand, and
before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of mine at him, without doing
any damage. By this time he was ready with his second, that flashed in the pan
without going off: Upon which he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, »Fire
away, honey,« - and began to hammer his flint with great deliberation. - But I
was resolved to make use of the advantage Fortune had given me; and therefore
stepped up, without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or
prepare for another world; - but this stout Hibernian refused to condescend, and
complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground before he could return my
shot; saying I ought to go back to my station, and let him have an equal chance
with me. - I endeavoured to persuade him that I had given him a double chance
already; and it was my business to prevent him from enjoying a third; - but now,
since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to know his
condition, and reason for calling me to the field, who, to the best of my
remembrance, so far from having done him any injury, had never before seen him.
- He told me, that he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and
hearing that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself
master of that sum by espousing her, and was determined, in an honourable way,
to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his hopes. - I then
demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had seen him, being
more and more astonished at the circumstance of the promise, desired he would
explain that mystery: - He gave me to understand, that he trusted entirely to
his birth and personal merit; that he had frequently wrote to Melinda, setting
forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough to send an
answer, or even to admit him into her presence; and that the promise he
mentioned in his letter, was made by his friend Mr. Gaghagan, who assured him,
that no woman could resist a man of his appearance. - I could not forbear
laughing to excess, at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to relish my
mirth; but began to be very serious: Upon which I endeavoured to appease him, by
giving him my word and honour, that so far from prejudicing his addresses to the
lady, I would represent him to her in the most favourable light I could, with
any regard to truth; but he must not be surprised if she should remain blind to
his deserts, for nothing was more capricious than a woman's mind, and the
affection of that sex was seldom purchased with virtue alone. - That my
declaration might have the better effect, I took notice of his dishabille, and
professing sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, splipped two guineas into his
hand, at the sight of which, he threw away his pistols, and hugging me in his
arms, cried, »Arrah, by Jesus, now, you are the best friend I have met with
these seven long years.« - When I had suffered some minutes in his embrace, he
quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the devil might burn him if
ever he should give me any further trouble about woman-kind.
    The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look at his
pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that, I believe, it was happy for
him neither of them was discharged, for one of them would certainly have split
in the going off, and he would, in all probability, have lost his hand in the
explosion; but what gave me a lively idea of the man's character, was to find,
upon examination, that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the
other primed without a charge.
    While we walked homeward together, I expressed a desire of knowing my new
friend's history; and he informed me of his having served in the German army as
a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour at the siege of Belgrade,
he had been honoured with an ensign's commission, and afterwards promoted to the
rank of lieutenant, in which station, it was his misfortune to affront his
captain, who challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which
he was obliged to retreat; - that he had been in England some years solliciting
his friends for provision in the British army; but being hitherto unsuccessful,
he was desired by Mr. Gaghagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and make his
fortune by an advantageous match; in consequence of which advice, he had made up
to Melinda, and having heard, by means of an Irish footman in the family, that I
was her chief favourite, had called me out in hopes of removing by my death, the
greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he was convinced of my honour and
generosity, he swore by the blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more, if
there was not another woman in the world. - As a further proof of his veracity,
which I did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled out
his commission in the imperial army, and his captain's challenge, which he
preserved as testimonials of his character. - I was so well convinced of this
poor man's honesty and courage, that I determined to speak in his behalf to some
of my acquaintance, who might recommend his case to the consideration of those
who could provide for him; and in the mean time to accommodate him with a few
clothes, by which his appearance would be much mended, and himself enabled to
renew his solicitations in person.
    As we walked along, conversing socially together, we were met by a file of
Musqueteers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached, than with a
frantick look, he cried, »Seize them! - in the name of God! seize them« - We
were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest by the corporal, who was
commanding officer; but captain Oregan disengaged himself, and run with such
speed towards Tottenham-court-road, that he was out of sight in a moment. When
my arms were delivered up, and myself secured, Strap became a little more
composed, and asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would
excuse, as it proceeded from his affection: He then told me that, suspecting the
letter (which by the bye was brought by the author himself) contained something
extraordinary, he had peeped through the key-hole, and seen me load my pistols;
upon which he run down to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard, for a
party to put me in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone in a coach; that
he had enquired which way I went, and having often heard, that duels were
commonly fought at the back of Montague-house, he conducted the guard to this
place, where he thanked God for having found me safe and sound. I let him know,
that I forgave his officious concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty
severe terms, from making me the subject of idle conversation for the future;
then, turning to the corporal, I thanked him for his care, and gave him a crown
to drink with his men, assuring him that the reconnoitre was over long before he
came up, and every thing compromised, as he might have observed by our
behaviour; as a farther proof of which, he would find upon examination, that one
of my pistols had been discharged; - but this civil person, without giving
himself or me any further trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and
acknowledgments, and returning the pistols, released me immediately.
    He was not gone an hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up, in order to
rescue me, with two Tatterdemalions whom he had engaged for that purpose, about
the purlieus of St. Giles's: One of them was armed with a musket that wanted a
lock, and another with a rusty broad-sword; but their dress surpassed all
description. - When he understood I was already free, he made an apology for his
abrupt departure, and introduced me to his two companions: First, to counsellor
Fitz-clabber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a history of the
kings of Munster, from Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr. Gaghagan,
who was a profound philosopher and politician, and had projected many excellent
schemes for the good of his country. - But it seems these literati had been very
ill rewarded for their ingenious labours; for between them both, there was but
one shirt and half a pair of breeches. - I thanked them very kindly for their
readiness to assist me, and having offered my service in my turn, wished them a
good-morrow, desiring Oregan to accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted
with decent clothes from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore
eternal gratitude and friendship to me, and at my request, recounted all the
adventures of his life.
    In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great kindness
and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure with the Irishman, to
whose wishes she was no stranger, having more than a dozen letters in her
possession, which he had wrote to her on the subject of love, and which, for my
entertainment, she submitted to my perusal. - Having made ourselves merry at the
expense of this poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother's going out
of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended to her with all
the ardour and eloquence I was master of. - I flattered, sighed, swore,
entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of making some
impression on her heart; but she heard every thing I said without discovering
the least emotion; and other company came in, before she would vouchsafe one
serious reply. - After tea, the cards were brought in according to custom, and
it was my good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead
of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain.
    I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and spent my
time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, operas, masquerades,
drums, assemblies and puppet-shows; chiefly in company with Melinda, whom I
cultivated with all the eagerness and address that my prospect could inspire,
and my education afford: I spared neither my person nor my purse, to gratify her
vanity and pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed outshone; and after
all, I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to lose. - At last,
finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour much longer, I was
determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and one evening, while we were tête
a tête, complained of her indifference, described the tortures of suspense to a
love-sick mind, and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and me,
with such earnestness, that she could not with all her art, shift the subject;
but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement. - She let me know with a careless
air, that she had no objection to my person, and if I could satisfy her mother
in other particulars, I should not find her averse to the match; but she was
resolved to do nothing in an affair of such moment'ous concern, without the
advice and consent of her parent. - This was not a very agreeable declaration to
me, whose aim had been to win her inclination first, and then secure my conquest
by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she would express no
reluctance. - That I might not, however, desert my cause before it was
desperate, I waited on the mother, and with great formality demanded the
daughter in marriage: The good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with
great state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her family, and
said, she did not doubt that I was in all respects qualified to make a woman
happy; but it concerned her as a parent anxious about the welfare of her child,
to enquire into the particulars of my fortune, and know what settlement I
proposed to make. To this intimation, which would have utterly disconcerted me,
if I had not expected it, I replied without hesitation, that though my fortune
was very small, I was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain her
daughter in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and her
heirs for ever. - This careful matron did not seem to relish my proposal, but
observed with a demure countenance, that there was no necessity for settling
that upon her child which was her own already: However, if I pleased, her lawyer
should confer with mine upon the matter; and in the mean time, she desired I
would favour her with the perusal of my rent-roll. - Notwithstanding the
vexation I was under, I could scarce forbear laughing in her face, at the
mention of my rent-roll, which was, indeed, a severe piece of satire upon my
pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate: and told her, that I could
not exactly specify the sum I was master of, until I had regulated my affairs,
which were at present in some disorder; but that I would take an opportunity of
satisfying her on that head very soon.
    It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings in a
very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more to expect from that
quarter: I was confirmed in this opinion next day, when I went back with a view
of explaining myself more fully to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the
footman, that his ladies were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through
the blinds of a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this
affront I quitted the door, without saying one word, and as I repassed the
parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in the same situation, securely
screened, as she thought, from my view.
    This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's account, than my own;
for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; on the contrary, the
remembrance of my charming Narcissa, was a continual check upon my conscience,
during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps contributed to the bad
success of my scheme, by controuling my raptures, and condemning my design.
    There was a necessity for acquainting my companion with every thing that
happened to me, and I performed this piece of duty in an affected passion,
swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring him to take the
management of his affairs into his own hand. This finesse had the desired
effect, for instead of grumbling over my miscarriage, Strap was frightened at
the passion I feigned, and begged me for the love of God to be appeased;
observing, that although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable;
and if fortune frowned today, she might perhaps smile to-morrow. - I pretended
to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equanimity, and promise to improve by
misfortune. - He, on the other hand, pretended to be perfectly well satisfied
with my conduct, and conjured me to follow the dictates of my own reflection;
but in spite of all his affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and
his visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day.
 

                                   Chapter L

I long to be revenged on Melinda -- apply to Banter for his assistance -- he
contrives a scheme for that purpose, which is put in execution with great
success -- I make an attempt on the heart of Miss Gripewell, but am disappointed
-- I grow melancholy at my disappointment, and have recourse to the Bottle --
receive a billet doux -- am ravished with the contents - find myself involved in
an intrigue, which I imagined would make my fortune -- am counfounded at my
mistake, which banishes all thoughts of matrimony
 
In the mean time, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of another
mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in both which schemes I
was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a necessary creature among
the ladies, that in all private dances he engaged the men. - To him therefore I
applied, desiring he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next
private assembly, for the sake of a frolick, the intention of which I would
afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of a difference between
Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my design, and thinking I only
wanted to alarm her jealousy a little, promised to gratify my desire, by
matching me with a partner worth thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of this
end of the town, had lately taken into their management and protection. - Upon
further inquiry, I found this person's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell, that her
father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by which means all his
substance descended to this daughter, who was so little a favourite, that could
the old man have prevailed with his own rapacious disposition, to part with as
much money as would have paid the expense of a will, she would not have
inherited the sixth part of his fortune; - that during his life, so far from
being educated in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to
live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the family. - But
his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed the fine lady, and found
so many people of both sexes, to flatter, caress and instruct her, that, for
want of discretion and experience, she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant,
and pretended to no less than a duke or earl at least, for her husband; - that
she had the misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain
poor Scottish Lord was then making interest to be introduced to her
acquaintance. - In the mean time, she was fallen into the hands of a notable
lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant of foot, a distant
relation of her ladyship's, though Miss, as yet, knew nothing of the affair; and
lastly, that if I proposed to dance with her, I must give him leave to represent
me as a knight or foreign count at least. - I was ravished at this piece of
information, and contented, for one night, to personate a French Marquis, that I
might the easier fulfil my revenge.
    Having made the appointment with Chatter, I went to Banter's lodgings,
having by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration and knowledge;
and after I had injoined secrecy, told him every circumstance of my disgrace
with Melinda, and imparted the plan I had projected to mortify that proud
coquette, desiring his advice in improving, and assistance in executing the
scheme. - Nothing could be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper, than an
account of her behaviour and my resentment: He applauded my resolution, and
proposed that I should not only provide myself in a proper partner, but also
procure such an one for Miss Goosetrap, as would infallibly intail upon her the
ridicule of all her acquaintance: For this purpose he mentioned his barber, who,
he said, was an exceeding coxcomb, lately come from Paris, whose absurd
affectation and grimace would easily pass upon her, for the sprightly politesse
of a gentleman improved by travel. - I hugged him for this hint; and he assured
me, it would be no difficult matter to make him believe, that Melinda having
seen him by accident, was captivated by his appearance, and longed for his
acquaintance. - He actually engaged him on this pretence, and painted his good
fortune in such colours, that the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy,
- He was immediately fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter,
and by him recommended to Chatter, as a very pretty fellow, just returned from
his travels. - Master Billy, who acted as gentleman-usher to a great many of the
fair sex in and about town undertook, at once, to bespeak Melinda in his behalf;
and every thing happened according to my wish.
    At the time appointed, I appeared, dressed to the best advantage; and in the
character of Marquis, had the honour of opening the ball with the rich heiress,
who attracted the eyes of the whole company, by the prodigious number of jewels
with which she was adorned. - Among others, I perceived Melinda, who could no
more conceal her envy than astonishment at my success: Her curiosity was still
more flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell before; and
Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction on that head, was engaged in
conversation at the other end of the room. - I observed her impatience, and
exulted in her chagrin; and after my partner was set, took the opportunity of
passing by her to make a slight bow without stopping; which completed my
triumph and her indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an air of
disdain, and flirted her fan with such fury, that it went to pieces in a moment,
to the no small entertainment of those who sat near and observed her.
    At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his part with
such ridiculous extravagance, that the mirth of the whole company was excited at
his expense, and his partner so much ashamed, that before the country dances
began, she retired in great confusion, under pretence of being taken suddenly
ill, and was followed by her gallant, who no doubt, imagined her indisposition
was nothing but love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting her home, to
comfort her, with an assurance of his entertaining a reciprocal passion. - They
were no sooner gone, than an inquisitive whisper of »Who is he?« run round the
room; and Chatter could give them no other intelligence about him, than that he
was a man of fortune, just returned from his travels: I, who alone was
acquainted with his real quality, affected ignorance, well knowing that female
curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and that the
discovery would proceed with a better grace from any body than me.
    Mean while, I was tempted by the richness of the prize, to practise upon
Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified with pride and
indifference to yield to any efforts in my own character, and I neither would
nor could preserve the title I had borrowed, longer than this night.
    As I expected, every thing came to light next day: The barber, in pure
simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered the foundation
of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and was ashamed to show her face in
public for many weeks after this accident. Poor Chatter found it impossible to
justify himself to her satisfaction; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell,
for having imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much in his
character and influence among the ladies in general.
    Finding my finances diminished more than one half, and my project as little
advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I began to despair of my
success, and grew melancholy at the prospect of approaching want. - To dispel
the horrors of this fiend, I had recourse to the bottle, and kept more company
than ever. - I became particularly attached to the play-house, conversed with
the actors behind the scenes, got acquainted with a body of templars, and in a
short time commenced a professed wit and critick. Indeed I may say without
vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one of my companions, who
were, generally speaking, of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the most
ignorant and assuming. - By means of these avocations I got the better of care,
and learned to separate my ideas in such a manner, that whenever I was attacked
by a gloomy reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable
reverie to my assistance. - This was not the case with Strap, who practised a
thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon his carcass, and reduced
him to the resemblance of a meer skeleton.
    While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one day
received, by the penny-post, a letter written in a woman's hand, containing a
great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations of love, couched in a very
poetical stile, an earnest desire of knowing whether or not my heart was
engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain place directed to R. B. and the whole
subscribed, »Your incognita.« I was transported with joy on reading the contents
of this billet doux, which I admired as a master-piece of tenderness and
elegance, and was already up to the ears in love with the author, whom my
imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and beauty.
- Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work and exhausted my invention in
composing an answer suitable to the sublimity of her stile, and the ardour of
her sentiments. - I expressed my admiration of her wit, in terms the most
hyperbolical, and while I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared
myself enamoured of her understanding; and in the most pathetick manner,
implored the honour of an interview. - Having finished this performance, and
communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched him with it to
the place appointed, which was the house of a milliner not far from Bond-street,
and desired him to keep watch near the door for some time, that he might
discover the person who would call for it. - In less than an hour he returned,
with a joyful countenance, and told me, that soon after he had delivered the
letter a chairman was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it
to the house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap)
followed him, and saw it put into the hands of a waiting-woman, who paid the
messenger and shut the door; - That upon inquiry at an alehouse hard by, where
he called for a pint of beer, he understood, that the gentleman to whom the
house belonged had an only daughter, very handsome, who would inherit his whole
estate; and who certainly was the author of the billet I had received. - I was
of the same opinion, and hugging myself in the happy prospect, dressed
immediately, and passed in great state by the house that contained my unknown
admirer. - Nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young
creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-room, who, I imagined,
observed me with more than common curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and
at the same time feast my own, I affected to stop, and give orders to Strap, in
the street, just opposite to her station, by which means I had an opportunity of
seeing her more distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a
conquest of so much perfection. - In a few moments she retired, and I betook
myself to the ordinary, in a rapture of hope, which deprived me of my appetite
for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to indulge my contemplation.
    Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown charmer,
signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, which, while it made a
tender of my heart, convinced her of the value of it. Above all things, she
professed extreme pleasure in finding me so much attached to her understanding,
a circumstance that not only flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the
same time argued my own sagacity. - As for the interview I desired, she assured
me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion than she; but she must
not only sacrifice a little more to decorum, but be satisfied of my honourable
intentions, before she would grant that request: Mean while, she gave me to
understand, that although she might owe some deference to the opinion of certain
persons, she was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happiness,
to consult her own inclination, preferably to the advice of the whole world;
especially, as she was urged to such condescension by no consideration of
fortune, what she depended upon, being her own without restriction or control.
- Struck with admiration at the philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who
seemed insensible of the beauty she possessed; and in particular, ravished with
that piece of intelligence, by which I learned her fortune was independent, I
resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums of the dignity of her sentiments,
affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty, pretented to ground my
passion on the qualities of her mind; complained of her rigour, in sacrificing
my repose to an overscrupulous regard to decorum, and declared the purity of my
designs in the most solemn and pathetic vows. - This performance being sealed
and directed, was sent to the place appointed, by Strap, who, that we might be
still the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time
brought back the same information as before, with this addition, that Miss
Sparkle, (the name of my supposed correspondent) looking out at the window, no
sooner saw the messenger arrive, than she shut the casement in a sort of
beautiful confusion, and disappeared; eager, no doubt, to hear from the dear
object of her love.
    My doubts now vanished, the long expected port appeared, and I looked upon
myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been in quest of so long. -
After dinner, I sauntered in company with doctor Wagtail, to that part of the
town in which my inamorata lived; and as he was a meer register, enquired of him
into the name, character and fortune of every body who possessed a good house in
the streets through which we passed: When it came to his turn to mention Sir
John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate and narrow
disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young lady, from the
conversation of mankind, under the strict watch and inspection of an old
gouvernante, who was either so honest, envious or insatiable, that no body had
been, as yet, able to make her a friend, or get access to her charge, though
numbers attempted it every day; not so much on account of her expectations from
her father, who being a widower, might marry again, and have sons, as for a
fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could not
be deprived. - This piece of news exactly tallying with the last part of the
letter I had been honoured with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that
any man, except Wagtail, might have observed my emotion; but his attention was
too much engrossed on the contemplation of his own importance, to be affected
with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so particular,
that he could not help taking notice of it.
    When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew insipid to
me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the fruits of my researches. -
This faithful Squire was almost choaked with transport, and even wept for joy;
but whether on account of himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine. -
Next day a third billet doux was brought to me, containing many expressions of
tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice of man, the
inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending the most sincere passion;
withal desiring I would excuse her, if she should try me a little longer, before
she declared herself beyond the power of retracting. - These interesting
scruples added fuel to my flame, and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my
complaints of her indifference, and pressed her to an assignation, with such
fervid entreaties, that in a few days, she consented to meet me at the house of
that milliner, who had forwarded all my letters. - During the interval between
the date of her promise, and the hour of appointment, my pride soared beyond all
reason and description; I lost all remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my
thoughts were wholly employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt
of the world.
    At length the happy hour arrived, I flew to the place of rendezvous, and was
conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten minutes, when I heard
the rustling of silk and the sound of feet ascending the stairs: My heart took
the alarm, and beat quick, my cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees
shook with exstasy! I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat
advance, and sprung forward to embrace my charmer. - Heaven and earth! how shall
I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled hag
turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement, and petrified with horror!
This ancient urganda perceived my disorder, and approaching with a languishing
air, seized my hand, asking in a squeaking tone, if I was indisposed. - Her
monstrous affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at her
first appearance; and it was a long time before I could command myself so much,
as to behave with common civility: At length, however, I recollected myself and
pronounced an apology for my behaviour, which, I said, proceeded from a
dizziness that seized me all of a sudden. - My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt,
had been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now
ascribed it, than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquettries, and
assumed the sprightly arts of a girl of sixteen. One while, she ogled me with
her dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was ashamed of that freedom,
she affected to look down, blush, and play with her fan, then toss her head that
I might not perceive a palsy that shook it, ask some childish questions with a
lisping accent, giggle and grin with her mouth shut, to conceal the ravages of
time upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself about in
her chair to show her agility, and act a great many more absurdities that youth
and beauty can alone excuse. - Shocked as I was at my disappointment, my
disposition was incapable of affronting any person who loved me; I therefore
endeavoured to put a good face on the matter for the present, resolved to drop
the whole affair as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I
uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the name and
condition of the lady who had honoured me so much. - She told me her name was
Withers, that she lived with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governess to his
only daughter, in which situation she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to
make her easy for life; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where
my appearance and deportment made such an impression upon her heart, that she
could enjoy no ease until she had inquired into my character, which she found so
amiable in all respects, that she yielded to the violence of her inclination,
and ventured to declare her passion, with too little regard, perhaps, to the
decorum of her sex; but she hoped I would forgive a trespass, of which I myself
was, in some measure, the cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible
dictates of love. - No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with more reluctance
than I felt in making a reply suitable to the compliment, when instead of the
jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my power; and yet my hopes began to
revive a little, when I considered, that by carrying on the appearance of an
intrigue with the Duenna, I might possibly get access to her charge. Encouraged
by this suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I talked en
cavalier, and even made love to this antiquated coquette, who seemed extremely
happy in her adorer, and spread all her allurements to make her imagined
conquest more secure. - The good woman of the house treated us with tea and
sweet-meats, and afterwards withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she
was. - Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was still a
maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much impatience in all her
behaviour, that, had she been fifty years younger, I might possibly have
gratified her longing without having recourse to the church; but this my virtue
as well as interest forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a
young fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once grant her
the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself from her importunities
and reproaches. It was my business to defer the ceremony as long as possible
under the most specious pretences, with a view of becoming acquainted with Miss
Sparkle, in the mean time; and I did not despair of success, when I considered,
that in the course of our correspondence I would, in all probability, be invited
to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by that means have an opportunity
of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with this prospect, my heart
dilated with joy, I talked in raptures to the stale gouvernante, and kissed her
shriveled hand with great devotion: She was so much transported with her good
fortune, that she could not contain her exstasy, but flew upon me like a
tygeress, and pressed her skinny lips to mine; when (as it was no doubt
concerted by her evil genius) a dose of garlick she had swallowed that morning,
to dispel wind I suppose, began to operate with such a sudden explosion, that
human nature, circumstanced as I was, could not endure the shock with any degree
of temper. - I lost all patience and reflection, flung away from her in an
instant, snatched my hat and cane, and run down stairs as the devil had me in
pursuit, and could scarce restrain the convulsion of my bowels, which were
grievously offended by the perfume that assaulted me. - Strap, who waited my
return with impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood
motionless with apprehension, and durst not enquire into the cause.
    After I had washed my mouth more than once, and recruited my spirits with a
glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular of what had happened; to
which he made no other reply, for some time, than lifting up his eyes, clasping
his hands, and uttering a hollow groan. - At length he observed, in a melancholy
tone, that it was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended
with the smell of garlick: »Ah! God help us (said he) 'tis not the steams of
garlick, no, nor of something else, that would give me the least uneasiness -
see what it is to be a cobler's son.« - I replied hastily, »I wish then, you
would go and retrieve my miscarriage.« - At this he started, forced a smile, and
left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented my abrupt
departure so much, that her love changed into disdain, or was ashamed to see me
on account of her infirmity, I know not, but I was never troubled again with her
passion.
 

                                   Chapter LI

I cultivate an acquaintance with two noblemen -- am introduced to Earl Strutwell
-- his kind promise and invitation -- the behaviour of his porter and lacquey --
he receives me with an appearance of uncommon affection -- undertakes to speak
in my behalf to the minister -- informs me of his success, and wishes me joy --
introduces a conversation about Petronius Arbiter -- falls in love with my
watch, which I press upon him - I make a present of a diamond ring to lord
Straddle -- impart my good fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my
utter mortification
 
Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my talents for
the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts towards some employment
under the government. - With the view of procuring which, I cultivated the
acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest
at court. - I found these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could
desire: I accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them
at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.
    I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations of
friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sine-cure; and to
solicit their influence in my behalf. - Swillpot squeezing my hand, said, I
might depend upon his service, by G-d. The other swore that no man would be more
proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by these declarations I ventured to
express an inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my
business at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoke to his father these
three years; and Straddle assured me his father having lately disobliged the
Minister by subscribing his name to a protest in the house of peers, was thereby
rendered incapable of serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make
me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person
that ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied
him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under a
necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levée of this
great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependants, and was ushered to
a particular closet audience; from whence in a few minutes, he returned with his
lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all the service he
could, and desired to see me often. - I was charmed with my reception, and
although I had heard that a courtier's promise is not to be depended upon, I
thought I discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this Earl's
countenance, that I did not doubt of profiting by his protection. - I resolved
therefore, to avail myself of his permission, and waited on him next audience
day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a
whisper, signifying that he wanted half an hour's conversation with me tête a
tête, when he should be disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and
drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow morning. - This invitation, which
did not a little flatter my vanity and expectation, I took care to observe, and
went to his lordship's house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate,
the porter unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like
soldiers in a breach, to dispute my passage. - I demanded to know if his lord
was stirring? - He answered with a surly aspect, »No.« - »At what hour does he
commonly rise? (said I)« - »Sometimes sooner, sometimes later (said he, closing
the door upon me by degrees.)« - I then told him I was come by his lordship's
own appointment; to which this Cerberus replied, »I have received no orders
about the matter;« and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected
myself all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour
that he would enquire and let me know whether or not the Earl was up. The grim
janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the
indifference of a tax-gatherer, and showed me into a parlour, where, he said, I
might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake. - I had not sat
ten minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and without speaking, stared
at me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into »Pray Sir, what is your
business?« and asked the same question I had put to the porter, when I accosted
him first. The lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get
any further intelligence. - In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking
the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to
perceive his meaning, and tipping him with half a crown, desired he would be so
good as to fall upon some method of letting the Earl know that I was in the
house. - He made a low bow, said, »Yes, Sir,« and vanished. - This bounty was
not thrown away, for in an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber,
where I was received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I
found just risen, in his morning gown and slippers. - After breakfast, he
entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the remarks I
had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my understanding. - My
answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently squeezed my hand, and
looking at me with a singular complacency in his countenance, bid me depend upon
his good offices with the ministry in my behalf. »Young men of your
qualifications (said he) ought to be cherished by every administration - For my
own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a
maxim, to encourage the least appearance of genius and virtue, to the utmost of
my power - You have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure
one day, if I am not mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting by
gradual steps to the summit of your fortune. - Rome was not built in a day. - As
you understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like to cross the
sea, as secretary to an embassy?« - I assured his lordship, with great
eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my inclination: Upon which he
bid me make myself easy, my business was done, for he had a place of that kind
in his view. - This piece of generosity affected me so much, that I was unable
for some time to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in
acknowledgments of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. - I
could not even help shedding tears, at the goodness of this noble lord, who no
sooner perceived them, than he caught me in his arms, hugged and kissed me with
a seemingly paternal affection. - Confounded at this uncommon instance of
fondness for a stranger, I remained a few moments silent and ashamed, then got
up and took my leave, after he had assured me that he would speak to the
Minister in my favour, that very day; and desired that I would not for the
future give myself the trouble of attending at his levée, but come at the same
hour every day, when he was at leisure, which was three times a week.
    Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my prospect
from every body, even from Strap, until I should be more certain of success; and
in the mean time, give my patron no respite from my solicitations. - When I
renewed my visit, I found the street door opened to me as if by enchantment; but
in my passage towards the presence-room, I was met by the valet de chamber, who
cast some furious looks at me, the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The
Earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his
success with the Premier, who, he said, had preferred his recommendation to that
of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and
absolutely promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of
secretary to an embassador and plenipotentiary, who would set out in a few
weeks, on an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was thunder-struck with
my good fortune, and could make no other reply, than kneel and attempt to kiss
my benefactor's hand, which he would not permit, but raising me up, pressed me
to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself
the care of making my fortune. - What inhanced the value of the benefit still
the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting the conversation to
another subject: Among other topicks of discourse, that of the Belle Lettre was
introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and erudition,
and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of antiquity. - »Here's a
book (said he, taking one from his bosom) written with great elegance and
spirit, and though the subject may give offence to some narrow minded people,
the author will always be held in esteem by every person of sense and learning.«
So saying, he put into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his
wit and manner. - I told him, that in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and
vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent, that he ought to find no quarter
or protection among people of morals and taste. - »I own (replied the Earl) that
his taste in love is generally decried, and indeed condemned by our laws; but
perhaps that may be more owing to prejudice and misapprehension, than to true
reason and deliberation. - The best man among the ancients is said to have
entertained that passion; one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted
the indulgence of it in his commonwealth; the most celebrated poets have not
scrupled to avow it at this day; it prevails not only over all the east, but in
most parts of Europe; in our own country it gains ground apace, and in all
probability will become in a short time a more fashionable vice than simple
fornication. - Indeed there is something to be said in vindication of it, for
notwithstanding the severity of the law against offenders in this way, it must
be confessed that the practice of this passion is unattended with that curse and
burden upon society, which proceeds from a race of miserable deserted bastards,
who are either murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and
wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: And it likewise prevents
the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of honest men's
wives; not to mention the consideration of health, which is much less liable to
be impaired in the gratification of this appetite, than in the exercise of
common venery, which by ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced
a puny progeny that degenerates from generation to generation: Nay, I have been
told, that there is another motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that
induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite pleasure
attending its success.«
    From this discourse, I began to be apprehensive that his lordship finding I
had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with this spurious and
sordid desire abroad, and took this method of sounding my sentiments on the
subject. - Fired at this supposed suspicion, I argued against it with great
warmth, as an appetite unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and
declared my utter detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the
satyrist:
 
»Eternal infamy the wretch confound
Who planted first, this vice on British ground!
A vice! that 'spite of sense and nature reigns,
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains!«
 
The Earl smiled at my indignation, told me he was glad to find my opinion of the
matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had advanced was only to
provoke me to an answer, with which he professed himself perfectly well pleased.
    After I had enjoyed a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in
order to regulate my motions by it; and his lordship observing the chased case,
desired to see the device, and examine the execution, which he approved with
some expressions of admiration. - Considering the obligations I lay under to his
lordship, I thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to
manifest, in some shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the
honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense I had of his
lordship's generosity; but he refused it in a peremptory manner, and said he was
sorry I should entertain such a mercenary opinion of him, observing at the same
time, that it was the most beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen; and
desiring to know where he could have such another. - I begged a thousand pardons
for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to nothing else than
the highest veneration for his person - let him know that as it came to my hand
by accident in France, I could give him no information about the maker, for
there was no name on the inside; and once more humbly entreated that he would
indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. - He was still positive in refusing
it; but was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it was a present
that no nobleman needed be ashamed of receiving; though he was resolved to show
his disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a particular
friendship; and insisted (if I was willing to part with the watch) upon knowing
what it cost, that he might at least indemnify me, by refunding the money. On
the other hand, I assured his lordship, that I would look upon it as an uncommon
mark of distinction, if he would take it without further question; and rather
than disoblige me, he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no
small satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a kind
squeeze, and an injunction to depend upon his promise.
    Buoyed up with my reception, my heart opened, I gave away a guinea among the
lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings of Lord Straddle,
upon whom I forced my diamond ring, as an acknowledgement for the great service
he had done me, and from thence hied myself home, with an intent of sharing my
happiness with honest Strap. - I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure
by depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in the good news with
double relish. - For this purpose, I affected the appearance of disappointment
and chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner, that I had lost the watch and
diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already harrassed into a consumption by
intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to contain
himself, he cried with distraction in his looks, »God in heaven forbid!« - I
could carry on the farce no longer, but laughing in his face, told him every
thing that had befallen, as above recited. His features were immediately
unbended, and the transition so affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my
Lord Strutwell by the appellations of Jewel, Phoenix, Rara avis, and praising
God, that there was still some virtue left among our nobility. - Our mutual
congratulations being over, we gave way to our imagination, and anticipated our
happiness by prosecuting my success through the different steps of promotion,
till I arrived at the rank of a prime minister, and he to that of my first
secretary.
    Intoxicated with these ideas I went to the ordinary, where, meeting with
Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him, concluding with an
assurance that I would do him all the service in my power. - He heard me to an
end with great patience, then regarding me a good while with a look of disdain,
pronounced, »So, your business is done, you think?« - »As good as done, I
believe, (said I.)« - »I'll tell you (replied he) what will do it still more
effectually - A halter - 'Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such
scoundrels as Strutwell and Straddle, I would without any more ado tuck myself
up.« Shocked at this exclamation, I desired him with some confusion to explain
himself: Upon which he gave me to understand, that Straddle was a poor
contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing and pimping to his fellow peers;
that in consequence of this last capacity, he had, doubtless, introduced me to
Strutwell, who was so notorious for a passion for his own sex, that he was
amazed his character had never reached my ears; and that so far from being able
to obtain for me the post he had promised, his interest at court was so low,
that he could scarce provide for a superannuated footman once a year, in
Chelseahospital; -- that it was a common thing for him to amuse strangers whom
his jack-calls run down, with such assurances and caresses as he had bestowed on
me, until he had stripped them of their cash and every thing valuable about them;
- very often of their chastity, and then leave them a prey to want and infamy; -
that he allowed his servants no other wages than that part of the spoil which
they could glean by their industry; and that the whole of his conduct towards me
was so glaring, that no body who knew any thing of mankind could have been
imposed upon by his insinuations.
    I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information, which
precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the lowest abyss of
despondence; and well nigh determined me to take Banter's advice, and finish my
chagrin with a halter. - I had no room to suspect the veracity of my friend,
because upon recollection, I found every circumstance of Strutwell's behaviour,
exactly tallying with the character he had described: His hugs, embraces,
squeezes and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his defence
of Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet de chamber, who, it seems, was
at present the favourite pathic of his lord.
 

                                  Chapter LII

I attempt to recover my watch and jewel, but to no purpose -- resolve to revenge
myself on Strutwell by my importunity -- am reduced to my last guinea -- obliged
to inform Strap of my necessity, who is almost distracted with the news -- but
nevertheless obliged to pawn my best sword for present subsistence -- that small
supply being exhausted, I am almost stupefied with my misfortunes -- go to the
gaming table, by the advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected success --
Strap's exstacy -- Mrs. Gawkey waits upon me, professes remorse for her perfidy,
and implores my assistance -- I do myself a piece of justice by her means, and
afterwards reconcile her to her father
 
I was so confounded that I could make no reply to Banter, who reproached me with
great indignation, for having thrown away upon rascals, that which, had it been
converted into ready money, would have supported the rank of a gentleman for
some months, and enabled me, at the same time, to oblige my friends. - Stupified
as I was, I could easily divine the source of his concern, but sneaked away in a
solitary manner, without yielding the least answer to his expostulations; and
began to deliberate with myself, in what manner I should attempt to retrieve the
moveables I had so foolishly lost. - I would have thought it no robbery to take
them again by force, could I have done it without any danger of being detected;
but as I could have no such opportunity, I resolved to work by finesse, and go
immediately to the lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find
him. - »My Lord, (said I) I have just now recollected, that the diamond I had
the honour of presenting to you, is loosened a little in the socket, and there
is a young fellow just arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller in
Europe; I knew him in France, and if your lordship will give me leave, will
carry the ring to him to be set to rights.« - His lordship was not to be caught
in this snare - he thanked me for my offer, and let me know, that having himself
observed the defect, he had already sent it to his own jeweller to be mended. -
And indeed, by this time, I believe it was in the jeweller's hands, though not
in order to be mended, for it stood in need of no alteration.
    Baulked in this piece of politicks, I cursed my simplicity; but resolved to
play a surer game with the Earl, which I had thus devised. - I did not doubt of
being admitted into familiar conversation with him, as before, and hoped by some
means, to get the watch into my hand, then on pretence of winding or playing
with it, drop it on the floor, which in all probability would disorder the work
so as to stop its motion: This event would furnish me with an opportunity of
insisting upon carrying it away in order to be repaired; and had this happened,
I should have been in no hurry to bring it back. - What pity it was I could not
find an occasion of putting this fine scheme in execution! When I went to renew
my visit to his lordship, my access to the parlour was as free as ever; but
after I had waited some time, the valet de chamber came in with his Lord's
compliments, and a desire to see me to-morrow at his levée, being at present so
much indisposed that he could not see company. - I interpreted this message into
a bad omen, and came away muttering curses against his lordship's politeness,
and ready to go to loggerheads with myself for being so egregiously duped. - But
that I might have some satisfaction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him
closely at his levée, and persecuted him with my solicitations; not without
faint hopes indeed, of reaping something more from my industry, than the bare
pleasure of making him uneasy; though I could never obtain another private
hearing, during the whole course of my attendance; neither had I resolution
enough, to undeceive Strap, whose looks in a little time, were so whetted with
impatience, that whenever I came home, his eyes devoured me, as it were, with
eagerness of attention.
    At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea, I was
compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to sweeten the
discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I received from my patron. -
But these promises were not of efficacy sufficient to support the spirits of my
friend, who no sooner understood the lowness of my finances, than uttering a
dreadful groan, he exclaimed, »In the name of God, what shall we do?« - In order
to comfort him, I said that many of my acquaintance, who were in a worse
condition than we, supported, notwithstanding, the character and appearance of
gentlemen; and advising him to thank God that we had as yet incurred no debt,
proposed he should pawn my sword of steel inlaid with gold, and trust to my
discretion for the rest. This expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap,
who, in spite of his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of
economy and expense suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless
he complied with my request, and raised seven pieces on the sword in a
twinkling. - This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for the
present, as if I had had five hundred pounds in bank; for by this time I was so
well skilled in procrastinating every troublesome reflection, that the prospect
of want seldom affected me very much, let it be ever so near. - And now indeed
it was nearer than I imagined; for my landlord having occasion for money, put me
in mind of my being indebted to him five guineas in lodging; and telling me he
had a sum to make up, begged I would excuse his importunity and discharge the
debt. Though I could ill spare so much cash; my pride took the resolution of
disbursing it, which I did in a cavalier manner, after he had written a
discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and resentment, I saw he was
resolved that I should not be long in his books; while Strap, who stood by, and
knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his nether lip, and
turned yellow with despair. - Whatever appearance of indifference my vanity
enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this demand, which I had no
sooner satisfied, than I hastened into company, with a view of beguiling my
cares with conversation, or of drowning them in wine.
    After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house, from whence
we adjourned to the tavern, where instead of sharing the mirth of the company, I
was as much chagrined at their good humour as a damned soul in hell would be at
a glimpse of heaven. - In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had
lost its effect upon me, and so far from raising my dejected spirits, could not
even lay me asleep. - Banter, who was the only intimate I had (Strap excepted)
perceived my anxiety, and when we broke up, reproached me with pusilanimity, for
being cast down at any disappointment that such a rascal as Strutwell could be
the occasion of. - I told him I did not at all see how Strutwell's being a
rascal alleviated my misfortune; and gave him to understand that my present
grief did not so much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low ebb of
my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas. - At this
declaration, he cried, »Pshaw! is that all?« and assured me, there were a
thousand ways of living in town without fortune, he himself having subsisted
many years entirely by his wit. - I expressed an eager desire of being
acquainted with some of these methods, and he, without further expostulation,
bid me follow him. - He conducted me to a house under the piazzas in Convent
Garden, which we entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow who
demanded them at the foot of the staircase, ascended to the second story, where
I saw multitudes of people standing round two gaming tables, loaded in a manner,
with gold and silver. - My conductor let me know that this was the house of a
worthy Scotch Lord, who availing himself of the privilege of his peerage, had
set up public gaming tables, from the profits of which he drew a comfortable
livelihood. - He then explained the difference between the sitters and the
betters; characterized the first as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and
advised me to try my fortune at the silver table by betting a crown at a time. -
Before I would venture any thing, I considered the company more particularly,
and there appeared such a group of villainous faces, that I was struck with
horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my surprise to Banter, who
whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those present were composed of sharpers,
highwaymen, and apprentices, who having embezzled their master's cash, made a
desperate push in this place, to make up their deficiencies. - This account did
not encourage me to hazard any part of my small pittance; but at length being
teized by the importunities of my friend, who assured me there was no danger of
being ill used, people being hired by the owner to see justice done to every
body; I began by risquing one shilling, and in less than an hour, my winning
amounted to thirty. - Convinced by this time of the fairness of the game, and
animated with success, there was no need of further persuasion to continue the
play: I lent Banter (who seldom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which he
carried to the gold table and lost in a moment. - He would have borrowed
another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away in a pet. - Mean while
my gain advanced to six pieces, and my desire of more increased in proportion;
so that I moved to the higher table, where I laid half a guinea on every throw,
and fortune still favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I remained
until it was broad day; when I found myself, after many vicissitudes, one
hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.
    Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if any body would
take my place, and made a motion to rise; upon which an old gascon, who sat
opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little money, started up with fury in
his looks, crying, »Restez foutre, restez, il faut donner moi mon ravanchio!« At
the same time, a Jew who sat near the other, insinuated that I was more beholden
to art than fortune, for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the table
very often, and that some of the divisions seemed to be greasy. This intimation
produced a great deal of clamour against me, especially among the losers, who
threatened with many oaths and imprecations to take me up by a warrant as a
sharper, unless I would compromise the affair by refunding the greatest part of
my winning. - Though I was far from being easy under this accusation, I relied
upon my innocence, threatened in my turn to prosecute the Jew for defamation, and
boldly offered to submit my cause to the examination of any justice in
Westminster; but they knew themselves too well to put their characters on that
issue, and finding I was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped their
plea, and made way for me to withdraw. - I would not however, stir from the
table until the Israelite had retracted what he said to my disadvantage, and
asked pardon before the whole assembly.
    As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread upon the toes of a tall
raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black thick eye-brows, a
pig-tail wig of the same colour, and a formidable hat pulled over his forehead,
who stood gnawing his fingers in the crowd, and no sooner felt the application
of my shoe-heel, than he roared out in a tremendous voice, »Blood and wounds!
you son of a whore, what's that for?« - I asked pardon with a great deal of
submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting him; but the more I
humbled myself the more he stormed, and insisted upon gentlemanly satisfaction,
at the same time provoking me with scandalous names that I could not put up
with; so that I gave a loose to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and
challenged him to follow me down to the piazzas. - His indignation cooling as
mine warmed, he refused my invitation, saying, he would choose his own time, and
returned towards the table muttering threats, which I neither dreaded nor
distinctly heard; but descending with great deliberation, received my sword from
the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea according to the custom of the
place, and went home in a rapture of joy.
    My faithful valet, who had sat up all night in the utmost uneasiness on my
account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and followed me to my
chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned criminal, in expectation of
hearing that every shilling was spent. - I guessed the situation of his
thoughts, and assuming a sullen look, bid him fetch me some water to wash. - He
replied, without lifting his eyes from the ground, »In my simple conjecture, you
have more occasion for rest, not having (I suppose) slept these four and twenty
hours.« - »Bring me some water,« (said I in a peremptory tone;) upon which he
sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Before he returned I had spread my whole
stock on the table in the most ostentatious manner; so that when it first
saluted his view, he stood like one intranced, and having rubbed his eyes more
than once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into, »Lord have
mercy upon us, what a vast treasure is here!« - »'Tis all our own, Strap, (said
I) take what is necessary, and redeem the sword immediately.« He advanced
towards the table, stopped short by the way, looked at the money and me by turns,
and with a wildness in his countenance, produced from joy checked by distrust,
cried, »I dare say, it is honestly come by.« To remove his scruples, I made him
acquainted with the whole story of my success, on hearing of which, he danced
about the room, in an exstacy, »God be praised! - a white stone! - God be
praised! - a white stone!« So that I was afraid the sudden change of fortune had
disordered his intellects, and that he was run mad with joy. - Extremely
concerned at this event, I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to no
purpose; for, without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and down,
and repeat his rhapsody of »God be praised! a white stone!« At last, I rose in
the utmost consternation, and laying violent hands upon him put a stop to his
extravagance, by fixing him down to a settee that was in the room. - This
constraint banished his delirium; he started as if just awoke, and terrified at
my behaviour, cried, »What is the matter?« When he learned the cause of my
apprehension, he was ashamed of his transports, and told me, that in mentioning
the white stone, he alluded to the Dies fasti of the Romans, albo lapide notati.
    Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was just
going abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was a gentlewoman at
the door, who wanted to speak with me. - Surprized at this information, I bid
Strap show her up, and in less than a minute saw a young woman of a shabby
decayed appearance enter my room. After half a dozen court'sies, she began to
sob, and told me her name was Gawkey; upon which I immediately recollected the
features of Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion of my misfortunes. -
Though I had all the reason in the world, to resent her treacherous usage of me,
I was moved at her distress, and professing my sorrow at seeing her so reduced,
desired her to sit, and enquired into the particulars of her situation. - She
fell upon her knees, and implored my forgivenness for the injuries she had done
me, protesting before God, that she was forced against her inclination, into
that hellish conspiracy which had almost deprived me of my life, by the
entreaties of her husband, who having been afterwards renounced by his father on
account of his marriage with her, and unable to support a family on his pay,
left his wife at her father's house, and went with the regiment to Germany,
where he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of Dettingen; since which time
she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me to understand with many
symptoms of penitence, that it was her misfortune to bear a child four months
after marriage, by which her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out
of doors with the infant, that died soon after; and had hitherto subsisted in a
miserable indigent manner, on the extorted charity of a few friends, who were
now quite tired of giving; that not knowing where or how to support herself one
day longer, she had fled for succour even to me, who of all mankind had the
least cause to assist her, relying upon the generosity of my disposition, which,
she hoped, would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging itself in the
noblest manner, on the wretch who had wronged me. - I was very much affected
with her discourse, and having no cause to suspect the sincerity of her
repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned all she had done against me, and
promised to befriend her as much as lay in my power.
    Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the apothecary,
imagining it would be impossible for me to make my innocence appear, so
unhappily was my accusation circumstanced: Strap indeed had laboured to justify
me to the schoolmaster; but so far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr.
Concordance dropped all correspondence with him, because he refused to quit his
connexion with me. - Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer
opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer, than that which now
presented itself; - therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawkey, that before I yielded
her the least assistance, she should do me the justice to clear my reputation,
by explaining upon oath before a Magistrate, the whole of the conspiracy, as it
had been executed against me. - When she had given me this satisfaction, I
presented her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that she
could scarcely believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready to worship me
for my benevolence. - The declaration signed with her own hand, I sent to her
father, who, upon recollecting and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was
convinced of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with his friend
the schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated my vindication. - After mutual
salutation, Monsieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust treatment I
had received; but I saved him a good deal of breath, by interrupting his
harrangue, and assuring him, that so far from entertaining any resentment
against him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed me to escape,
after such strong presumptions of guilt appeared against me. Mr. Concordance
thinking it now his turn to speak, observed, that Mr. Random had too much
candour and sagacity to be disobliged at their conduct, which, all things
considered, could not have been otherwise, with any honesty of intention.
»Indeed (said he) if the plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural
intelligence; if it had been whispered by a genie, communicated by a dream, or
revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in crediting
ocular demonstration; - but as we were left in the mist of mortality, it cannot
be expected we should be incapable of imposition. - I do assure you, Mr. Random,
no man on earth is more pleased than I am at this triumph of your character; and
as the news of your misfortune panged me to the very intrails, this
manifestation of your innocence makes my midrif quiver with joy.« - I thanked
him for his concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance who
judged harshly of me, and having treated them with a glass of wine, represented
to Lavement the deplorable condition of his daughter, and pleaded her cause so
effectually, that he consented to settle a small annuity on her for life; but
could not be persuaded to take her home, because her mother was so much incensed
that she would never see her.
 

                                  Chapter LIII

I purchase new clothes -- reprimand Strutwell and Straddle -- Banter proposes
another matrimonial scheme - I accept of his terms -- set out for Bath in a
stage-coach, with the young lady and her mother - the behaviour of an officer
and lawyer, our fellow-travellers, described - a smart dialogue between my
mistress and the captain
 
Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself perfectly at
ease, and looking upon the gaming-table as a certain resource for a gentleman in
want, became more gay than ever. - Although my clothes were almost as good as
new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought every body, by this time,
had got an inventory of my wardrobe. - For which reason, I disposed of a good
part of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth-street, for half the value, and
bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain gold watch,
despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom,
notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levée, until the embassador
he had mentioned, set out with a secretary of his own choosing. - I thought
myself then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with
great freedom in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had
the power nor inclination to provide for me. - Nor was I less reserved with
Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the character of
Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every respect. - He
seemed very much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality
and honour, and began to make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to
mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth; and he was mean enough
to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner, that I left him with a hearty
contempt of his behaviour.
    About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden alteration
in my appearance and disposition, began to enquire very minutely into the cause;
and as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he
might make free with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme
that filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in
the country, who at the same time had promised to use all his interest (which
was not small) in solliciting some post for me that would make me easy for life.
- »If that be the case (said Banter) perhaps you won't care to mortify yourself
a little, in making your fortune another way. - I have a relation who is to set
out for Bath next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepid,
intends to drink the waters for the recovery of her health. - Her father, who
was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune
of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my
kinswoman. - I would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at
present between the old woman and me. - You must know, that some time ago I
borrowed a small sum of her, and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain
time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the
day elapsed, without my being able to take up my note; upon which she wrote a
peremptory letter, threatning to arrest me, if I did not pay the debt
immediately: Nettled at this precise behaviour, I sent a damned severe answer,
which enraged her so much, that she actually took out a writ against me. -
Whereupon, finding the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money
for me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for unfriendly
dealing. - She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The
little deformed urchin joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of
tongue, that I was fain to make my retreat, after having been honoured with a
great many scandalous epithets, which gave me plainly to understand that I had
nothing to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other. - As
they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl
shall be picked up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't provide for
her otherwise. - You are a well-looking fellow, Random, and can behave as
demurely as a quaker. - Now if you will give me an obligation for five hundred
pounds, to be paid six months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of
carrying her in spite of all opposition.«
    This proposal was too advantageous for me, to be refused: The writing was
immediately drawn and executed; and Banter giving me notice of the time when,
and the stage-coach in which they were to set out, I bespoke a place in the same
convenience; and having hired a horse for Strap, who was charmed with the
project, set out accordingly.
    As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing
Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress) nor even of perceiving the
number and sex of my fellow-travellers, although I guessed that the coach was
full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself. - The first five minutes
passed in a general silence, when all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one
side, a boisterous voice pronounced, »To the right and left, cover your flanks,
damme!« I easily discovered by the time and matter of this exclamation, that it
was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the profession of
another person, who sat opposite to me, and observed, that we ought to have been
well satisfied of the security, before we entered upon the premises, - These two
sallies had not the desired effect: We continued a good while as mute as before,
till at length, the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a
second effort, by swearing, he had got into a meeting of quakers. - »I believe
so too, (said a shrill female voice, at my left hand) for the spirit of folly
begins to move.« - »Out with it then, madam,« (replied the soldier.) - »You seem
to have no occasion for a midwife,« (cried the lady.) - »D-n my blood!
(exclaimed the other) a man can't talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks of
a midwife.« - »True, Sir, (said she) I long to be delivered.« - »What! of a
mouse, madam?« (said he.) - »No, Sir, (said she) of a fool.« - »Are you far gone
with fool?« (said he.) - »Little more than two miles,« (said she.) - »By Gad,
you're a wit, madam!« (cried the officer) - »I wish I could with any justice
return the compliment,« (said the lady.) - »Zounds! I have done,« (said he.) -
»Your bolt is soon shot, according to the proverb,« (said she.) - The warrior's
powder was quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution, and a
grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit, told her, she must
not let her tongue run so fast among strangers. - This reprimand softened with
the appellation of child, convinced me that the satyrical lady was no other than
Miss Snapper, and resolved to regulate my conduct accordingly. The champion
finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expatiate
on his own exploits. - »You talk of shot, madam, (said he) damme! I have both
given and received some shot in my time -- I was wounded in the shoulder by a
pistol ball at Dettingen, where - I say nothing - but by G-d! if it had not been
for me - all's one for that - I despise boasting, G-d d-me!« - So saying, he
whistled one part and hummed another of Black Joke; then addressing himself to
the lawyer, went on thus, »Wouldn't you think it damn'd hard, after having, at
the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment, that had been lost,
to receive no preferment for your pains! I don't choose to name no names, sink
me! but howsomever, this I will refer, by G-d, and that is this, a musqueteer of
the French guards, having taken a standard from a certain cornet of a certain
regiment, damme! was retreating with his prize as fast as his horse's heels
could carry him, damme! Upon which, I snatched up a firelock that belonged to a
dead man, damme! and shot his horse under him, d-n my blood! The fellow got upon
his feet and began to repose me, upon which I charged my bayonet breast high,
and run him through the body, by G-d! - One of his comrades coming to his
assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; and another gave me a
confusion on the head with the butt end of his carbine; but damme, that did not
signify - I killed one, put the other to flight, and taking up the standard
carried it off very deliberately - But the best joke of all was, the son of a
b-ch of a cornet who had surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my
possession, demanded it from me, in the front of the line.« - »D-n my blood
(says he) where did you find my standard?« (says he) - »D-n my blood (said I)
where (said I) did you lose it?« (said I.) - »That's nothing to you (says he)
'tis my standard (says he) and by G-d I'll have it.« (says he.) - »D-n-ti-n
seize me (says I) if you shall (says I) till I have first delivered it to the
General (says I;) and accordingly I went to the head quarters, after the battle,
and delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me, but I am no more
than a poor lieutenant still, d-n my blood.«
    Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he had not
been requited according to his deserts; observed, that the labourer is always
worthy of his hire, and asked if the promise was made before witnesses, because
in that case the law could compel the General to perform it; - but understanding
that the promise was performed during a tête a tête, over a bottle, without
being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it not valid in law, proceeded
to enquire into the particulars of the battle, and affirmed, that although the
English had drawn themselves into a premunire at first, the French managed their
cause so lamely in the course of the dispute, that they would have been utterly
nonsuited, had they not obtained a noli-prosequi. - In spite of these enlivening
touches, the conversation was like to suffer another long interruption; when the
lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could be
displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company with a song;
and interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, began to warble a
fashionable air, the first stanza of which be pronounced thus:
 
»Would task the moon-ty'd hair,
To yon flagrant beau repair;
Where waving with the poppling vow
The bantling fine will shelter you, etc.«
 
The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on, with such surprising facility,
that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to burlesque the
performance. - Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause, namely ignorance; and
when he asked her how she relished his musick, answered, that in her opinion,
the musick and the words were much of a piece. - »O! d-n my blood! (said he) I
take that as a high compliment; for every body allows the words are damnable
fine.« - »They may be so, (replied the lady) for ought I know, but they are
above my comprehension.« - »I an't obliged to find you comprehension, madam,
curse me!« (cried he.) - »No, nor to speak sense neither,« (said she.) - »D-n my
heart (said he) I'll speak what I please.« - Here the lawyer interposed, by
telling him there were some things he must not speak. - And upon being defyed to
give an instance, mentioned Treason and Defamation. - »As for the king, (cried
the soldier) God bless him - I eat his bread, and have lost blood in his cause,
therefore I have nothing to say to him - but by G-d, I dare say any thing to any
other man.« - »No, (said the lawyer) you dare not call me rogue.« - »Damme, for
what?« said the other. - »Because (replied the counsellor) I should have a good
action against you, and recover.« - »Well, well, (cried the officer) if I dare
not call you rogue, I dare think you one, damme!« - This stroke of wit he
accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily did not
affect the audience, but effectually silenced his antagonist, who did not open
his mouth for the space of an hour thereafter, except to clear his pipes with
three hemms, which, however, produced nothing.
 

                                  Chapter LIV

Day breaking, I have the pleasure of viewing the person of Miss Snapper, whom I
had not seen before -- the soldier is witty upon me - is offended, talks much of
his valour -- is reprimanded by a grave gentlewoman -- we are alarmed with the
cry of highwaymen -- I get out of the coach, and stand on my defence -- they
ride off without having attacked us -- I pursue them -- one of them is thrown
from his horse and taken -- I return to the coach - am complimented by miss
Snapper -- the captain's behaviour on this occasion -- the prude reproaches me
in a soliloquy -- I upbraid her in the same manner -- the behaviour of Mrs.
Snapper at breakfast, disobliges me -- the lawyer is witty upon the officer, who
threatens him
 
In the mean time, day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another, the faces
of their fellow-travellers; and I had the good fortune to find my mistress not
quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been represented to me. - Her
head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being represented by
her face; but she had a certain delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of
vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black; and though the
protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards,
it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and
kept her body in equilibrio. - On the whole, I thought I should have great
reason to congratulate myself, if it should be my fate to possess twenty
thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife. - I began therefore to deliberate
about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much
engrossed by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the people
in the coach, but revolved my prospect in silence; while the conversation was
maintained as before, by the object of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the
barrister, who by this time had recollected himself, and talked in terms as much
as ever. - At length a dispute happened, which ended in a wager, to be
determined by me, who was so much absorpt in contemplation, that I neither heard
the reference nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn;
affronted at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation, swore, I
was either dumb or deaf, if not both, and that I looked as if I could not say
Boh to a goose. - Arroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes upon him, and
pronounced with emphasis, the interjection Boh! Upon which he cocked his hat in
a fierce manner and cried, »Damme, Sir, what d'ye mean by that?« - Had I
intended to answer him, which by the bye, was not my design, I should have been
anticipated by Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show, that I could cry boh!
to a goose; and laughed very heartily at my laconic reproof. - Her explanation
and mirth did not help to appease his wrath, which broke out in several martial
insinuations, such as - »I do not understand such freedoms, damme! - D-n my
blood! I'm a gentleman, and bear the king's commission. - 'Sblood! some people
deserve to have their noses pulled for their impertinence.« - I thought to have
checked these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of his
valour, that I had long ago rated him an ass with a lion's skin; but so far from
answering my expectation, that he took umbrage at the contraction of my brows,
swore he did not value my sulky look a fig's end, and protested he feared no man
breathing. - Miss Snapper said, she was very glad to find herself in company
with a man of so much courage, who she did not doubt, would protect us all from
the attempts of highwaymen, during our journey. - »Make yourself perfectly easy
on that head, madam, (replied the officer) I have got a pair of pistols (here
they are) which I took from a horse officer at the battle of Dettingen - they
are double loaded, and if any highwayman in England robbs you of the value of a
pin, while I have the honour of being in your company, d-n my heart.« - When he
had expressed himself in this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent
hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she wondered how any man could be so rude
as to pull out such weapons before ladies. - »Damme, madam, (cried the champion)
if you are so much afraid at sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand fire
if there should be occasion?« - She let him know, that if she thought he could
be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence, whatever might be the
occasion, she would get out of the coach immediately, and walk to the next
village, where she might procure a convenience to herself. - Before he could
make any answer, my Dulcinea interposed, and observed, that so far from being
offended at a gentleman's using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself
very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of
saving herself from being rifled. - The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss,
and said, that people who have but little to lose, are sometimes the most
solicitous about preserving it. - The old lady was affronted at this inuendo,
and took notice, that people ought to be very well informed before they speak
slightingly of other people's fortune, lest they discover their own envy, and
make themselves ridiculous. - The daughter declared, that she did not pretend to
vie with any body in point of riches; and if the lady who insisted upon
non-resistance, would promise to indemnify us all for the loss we should
sustain; she should be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission,
in case we should be attacked. - To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the
reserved lady made no other reply, than a scornful glance and a toss of her
head. - I was very well pleased with the spirit of my mistress; and even wished
for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under her eye, which I believed,
could not fail of prepossessing her in my favour; when all of a sudden, Strap
rode up to the coach door, and told us in a great fright, that two men on
horse-back were crossing the heath (for by this time we had passed Hounslow) and
made directly towards us. This piece of information was no sooner delivered,
than Mrs. Snapper began scream, her daughter grew pale, the other lady pulled
out her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth chattered, while he
pronounced, »'Tis no matter - we'll sue the county and recover.« - The captain
gave evident signs of confusion; and I, after having commanded the coachman to
stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the warrior to follow me. - But
finding him backward and astonished, I took his pistols, and giving them to
Strap, who had by this time alighted, and trembled very much, I mounted on
horse-back; and taking my own, (which I could better depend upon) from the
holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very near us. -
Seeing me ready to oppose them on horse-back, and another man armed a foot, they
made a halt at some distance to reconnoitre us, and after having rode round us
twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off the same way they came,
at a hand gallop. - A gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same
time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them, which he no sooner
accepted, than I armed him with the officer's pistols, and we galloped after the
thieves, who trusting to the swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came
within shot of them, and then firing at us, put their nags to the full speed. -
We followed them as fast as our beasts could carry us, but not being so well
mounted as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the
horse of one of them stumbled and thrown his rider with such violence over his
head, that he lay senseless, when we came up, and was taken without the least
opposition, while his comrade consulted his own safety in flight, without
regarding the distress of his friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves
masters of his arms, and tye his hands together, before he recovered his senses;
when learning his situation, he affected surprise, demanded to know by what
authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to threaten
us with a prosecution for robbery. - In the mean time we perceived Strap coming
up with a crowd of people, armed with different kinds of weapons; and among the
rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had secured, than he
cried with great emotion, »There's the fellow who robbed me an hour ago, of
twenty pounds, in a canvas bag.« - He was immediately searched, and the money
found exactly as it had been described: Upon which, we committed him to the
charge of the countryman, who guarded him to the town of Hounslow, which it
seems the farmer had alarmed; and having satisfied the footman for his trouble
according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found the
captain and lawyer busy in administring smelling bottles and cordials to the
grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of the firing.
    When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen every
thing that happened, made me a compliment on my behaviour, and said, she was
glad to see me returned, without having received any injury; her mother too
owned herself obliged to my resolution; and the lawyer told me, that I was
entitled by act of parliament to a reward of forty pounds, for having
apprehended a highwayman. - The soldier observed, with a countenance in which
impudence and shame struggling, produced some disorder, that if I had not been
in such a damned hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues
effectually, without all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme which my heat
and precipitation ruined. - »For my own part, (continued he) I am always
extremely cool on these occasions.« - »So it appeared, by your trembling« (said
the young lady.) - »Death and damnation (cried he) your sex protects you, madam;
if any man on earth durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, d-n my heart!
in an instant.« - So saying, he fixed his eyes on me, and asked if I had seen
him tremble. - I answered without hesitation, »Yes.« - »Damme, Sir, (said he)
d'ye doubt my courage?« - I replied, »Very much.« - This declaration quite
disconcerted him. - He looked blank, and pronounced with a faltering voice, »O!
'tis very well - d-n my blood! I shall find a time.« - I signified my contempt
of him, by thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that he
scarce swore another oath during the whole journey.
    The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong
waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man, who pretended to
maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paltry
coin, throw persons of honour into such quandaries as might endanger their
lives; and professed her surprise, that women were not ashamed to commend such
brutality. At the same time vowing, that for the future she would never set foot
in a stage-coach, if a private convenience could be had for love or money.
    Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying my sentiments,
and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common sense, should be so
unreasonable as to expect that people who had neither acquaintance nor connexion
with her, would tamely allow themselves to be robbed and mal-treated, meerly to
indulge her capricious humour. I likewise confessed my astonishment at her
insolence and ingratitude in taxing a person with brutality, who deserved her
approbation and acknowledgement; and vowed, that if ever we should be assaulted
again, I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she might know the
value of my protection.
    This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation any
further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment, with the crest-fallen
captain, while I entered into discourse with my charmer, who was the more
pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived a very indifferent opinion of
my intellects from my former silence. I should have had cause to be equally
satisfied with the sprightliness of her genius, could she have curbed her
imagination with judgment; but she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that
I dreaded her unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal
clack! However, when I considered on the other hand, the joys attending the
possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot her imperfections, seized
occasion by the forelock, and endeavoured to insinuate myself into her
affection. - The careful mother kept a strict watch over her, and though she
could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent opportunities of
discouraging our communication, by reprimanding her for being so free with
strangers, and telling her she must learn to speak less, and think more. -
Abridged of the use of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and I found the young
lady very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In short, I had reason to believe,
that she was sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and that I should find it no
difficult matter to supersede her authority.
    When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted and
helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother, who called for a
private room, to which they withdrew, in order to eat by themselves. - As they
retired together, I perceived that Miss had got more twists from nature, than I
had before observed, being bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her
progression very much resembled that of a crab. - The prude also chose the
captain for her mess-mate, and ordered breakfast for two only to be brought into
another separate room; while the lawyer and I, deserted by the rest of the
company, were fain to put up with one another. I was a good deal chagrined at
the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who I thought did not use me with all the
complaisance I deserved; and my companion declared, that he had been a traveller
these twenty years, and never knew the stage-coach rules so much infringed
before. As for the honourable gentlewoman, I could not conceive the meaning of
her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the lawyer if he knew for which of
the soldier's virtues she admired him? The counsellor facetiously replied, »I
suppose the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him to make a
settlement intail.« - I could not help laughing at the archness of the
barrister, who entertained me during breakfast, with a great deal of wit of the
same kind, at the expense of our fellow-travellers; and among other things said,
he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such incumbrances.
    When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went into
the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver with six-pence, to revenge us
on the rest of his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst of their meal. -
This he performed to our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment
with his importunate clamour. - The mother and daughter obeyed the summons
first, and coming to the coach-door, were obliged to desire the coachman's
assistance to get in because the lawyer and I had agreed to show our resentment
by our neglect. - They were no sooner seated, than the captain appeared as much
heated as if he had been pursued a dozen of miles by an enemy; and immediately
after him came the lady, not without some marks of disorder. - Having helped her
up, he entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coachman for his
impertinent interruption; and the lawyer comforted him, by saying, that if he
had suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy of the defendant, he would have
an opportunity to join issue at the next stage. This last expression gave
offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make
him repent of such obscenity, and thanked God she had never been in such company
before. - At this insinuation, the captain thought himself under a necessity of
espousing the lady's cause; and accordingly threatened to cut the lawyer's ears
out of his head, if he should give his tongue any such liberties for the future.
- The poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal silence ensued.
 

                                   Chapter LV

I resolve to ingratiate myself with the mother, and am favoured by accident -
the precise lady finds her husband, and quits the coach - the captain is
disappointed of his dinner - we arrive at Bath -- I accompany Miss Snapper to
the long room, where she is attacked by beau N--h, and turns the laugh against
him -- I make love to her, and receive a check -- I squire her to an assembly,
where I am blessed with a sight of my dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so much,
that Miss Snapper observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the cause - is
picqued at the occasion, and in our way home, pays me a sarcastic compliment --
I am met by Miss Williams, who is maid and confidante of Narcissa -- she
acquaints me with her lady's regard for me while under the disguise of a
servant, and describes the transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the assembly,
in the character of a gentleman -- I am surprised with an account of her aunt's
marriage, and make an appointment to meet Miss Williams next day
 
During this unsocial interval, my pride and interest maintained a severe
conflict, on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one represented as unworthy
of my notice, and the other proposed as the object of my whole attention: The
advantages and disadvantages attending such a match, were opposed to one another
by my imagination; and at length, my judgment gave it so much in favour of the
first, that I resolved to prosecute my scheme, with all the address in my power.
- I thought I perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned by my
silence, which she no doubt imputed to my disgust at her mother's behaviour; and
as I believed the old woman could not fail of ascribing my muteness to the same
motive, I determined to continue that sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon
some other method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter; nor was it
difficult for me to make her acquainted with my sentiments by the expression of
my looks, which I modelled into the characters of humility and love; and which
were answered by her with all the sympathy and approbation I could desire. But
when I began to consider, that without further opportunities of improving my
success, all the progress I had hitherto made could not much avail, and that
such opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother's permission; I
concluded it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and suspicion by my
assiduities and respectful behaviour on the road; and she would in all
likelihood invite me to visit her at Bath, where I did not fear of being able to
cultivate her acquaintance as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment
of my purpose. - And indeed accident furnished me with an opportunity of
obliging her so much, that she could not with any appearance of good manners,
forbear to gratify my inclination.
    When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables in the inn
bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had got the start of us; and in all
likelihood, my mistress and her mother must have dined with Duke Humphrey, had I
not exerted myself in their behalf, and bribed the landlord with a glass of wine
to curtail his lordship's entertainment of a couple of fowls and some bacon,
which I sent with my compliments to the ladies; they accepted my treat with a
great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company at dinner,
where I amused the old gentlewoman so successfully, by maintaining a seemingly
disinterested ease, in the midst of my civility, that she signified a desire of
being better acquainted, and hoped I would be so kind as to see her sometimes at
Bath. - While I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise lady had the good
fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman, or in other
words, valet de chamber to the very nobleman, whose coach stood at the door.
Proud of the interest she had in the house, she affected to show her power by
introducing the captain to her spouse, as a person who had treated her with
great civility; upon which he was invited to a share of their dinner; while the
poor lawyer, finding himself utterly abandoned, made application to me, and was,
through my intercession, admitted into our company. - Having satisfied our
appetites, and made ourselves very merry at the expense of the person of honour,
the civil captain, and complaisant husband, I did myself the pleasure of
discharging the bill by stealth, for which I received a great many apologies and
acknowledgments from my guests, and we reimbarked at the first warning. - The
officer was obliged, at last, to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread and
cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in the coach, cursing
the inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered dinner to be put back a whole
hour.
    Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which
was ended about twelve a-clock, when I waited on the ladies to the house of a
relation, in which they intended to lodge, and passing that night at the inn,
took lodgings next morning for myself.
    The forenoon was spent in visiting every thing that was worth seeing in the
place, which I did in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given me a
letter of introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and found
Miss a good deal indisposed with the fatigues of the journey. - As they foresaw
they would have occasion for a male acquaintance to squire them at all public
places, I was received with great cordiality, and had the mother's permission to
conduct them next day to the long room, which we no sooner entered, than the
eyes of every body present were turned upon us; and when we had suffered the
martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper circulated at our expense,
which was accompanied with many contemptuous smiles, and tittering observations,
to my utter shame and confusion. - I did not so much conduct as follow my charge
to a place where she seated her mother and herself with astonishing composure,
notwithstanding the unmannerly behaviour of the whole company, which seemed to
be assumed meerly to put her out of countenance. - The celebrated Mr. N-h, who
commonly attends in this place, as master of the ceremonies, perceiving the
disposition of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their
ill-nature still further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his wit. - With
this view he approached us, with many bows and grimaces, and after having
welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her, in the hearing of all present, if
she could inform him of the name of Tobit's dog. - I was so much incensed at his
insolence, that I should certainly have kicked him where he stood, without
ceremony, had not the young lady prevented the effects of my indignation, by
replying with the utmost vivacity, »His name was N-sh, and an impudent dog he
was.« This repartee, so unexpected and just, raised such an universal laugh at
the aggressor, that all his assurance was insufficient to support him under
their derision; so that after he had endeavoured to compose himself, by taking
snuff, and forcing a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a very ludicrous
attitude; while my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies, for the brilliancy of
her wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people of both
sexes in the room. - This event, with which I was infinitely pleased at first,
did not fail of alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered that the
more she was caressed by persons of distinction, the more her pride would be
inflamed, and consequently, the obstacles to my success multiplied and enlarged.
- Nor were my presaging fears untrue. - That very night I perceived her a little
intoxicated with the incense she had received, and though she still behaved with
a particular civility to me, I foresaw that as soon as her fortune should be
known, she would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some one of whom might
possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, or in the arts of flattery and
scandal, supplant me in her esteem, and find means to make the mother of his
party. - I resolved therefore to lose no time, and being invited to spend the
evening with them, found an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's
vigilance, to explain the meaning of my glances in the coach, by paying homage
to her wit, and professing myself enamoured of her person. - She blushed at my
declaration, and in a favourable manner disapproved of the liberty I had taken,
putting me in mind of our being strangers to one another, and desiring I would
not be the means of interrupting our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable
strokes of gallantry for the future. - My ardour was effectually checked by this
reprimand, which was, however, delivered in such a gentle manner, that I had no
cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother relieved me from a dilemma
in which I should not have known how to demean myself a minute longer. - Neither
could I resume the easiness of carriage with which I came in, my mistress acted
on the reserve, and the conversation beginning to flag, the old lady introduced
her kinswoman of the house, and proposed a hand at whist.
    While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the
gentlewoman, that there was to be an assembly next night, at which I begged to
have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked me for the favour I intended
her, assured me, she never did dance, but signified a desire of seeing the
company; upon which I offered my service, and was accepted; not a little proud
of being exempted from appearing with her, in a situation, that, notwithstanding
my profession to the contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination.
    Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the successive
yawns of the mother warned me to begone, I took my leave, and went home, where I
made Strap very happy with an account of my progress. - Next day I put on my
gayest apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, according to
appointment, when I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she was laid
up with the tooth-ach, and that Miss was to be entrusted to my care. -
Accordingly, we set out for the ball-room, pretty early in the evening, and took
possession of a commodious place, where we had not sat longer than a quarter of
an hour, when a gentleman dressed in a green frock came in, leading a young
lady, whom I immediately discovered to be the adorable Narcissa! Good heaven!
what were the thrillings of my soul at that instant! my reflection was
overwhelmed with a torrent of agitation! my heart throbbed with surprising
violence! a sudden mist overspread my eyes! my ears were invaded with a dreadful
sound! I panted for want of breath, and in short, was for some moments
intranced! - This first tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas rushed
upon my imagination: Every thing that was soft, sensible, and engaging in the
character of that dear creature, recurred to my remembrance, and every
favourable circumstance of my own qualifications appeared in all the aggravation
of self-conceit, to heighten my expectation! - Neither was this transport of
long duration: The dread of her being already disposed of, intervened, and
over-cast my enchanting reverie! My presaging apprehension represented her
encircled in the arms of some happy rival, and of consequence for ever lost to
me! I was stung with this suggestion, and believing the person who conducted
her, to be the husband of this amiable young lady, already devoted him to my
fury, and stood up to mark him for my vengeance; when I recollected, to my
unspeakable joy, her brother the fox-hunter, in the person of her gallant. -
Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed in a frenzy of
delight, on the irresistible charms of his sister, who no sooner distinguished
me in the crowd, than her evident confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame. -
At sight of me she started, the roses instantly vanished from her polished
cheeks, and returned in a moment with a double glow that over-spread her lovely
neck, while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion. - I hailed these
favourable symptoms, and lying in wait for her looks, did homage with my eyes. -
She seemed to approve my declaration, by the complacency of her aspect; and I
was so transported with the discovery, that more than once, I was on the point
of making up to her, and disclosing the throbbings of my heart in person, had
not that profound veneration which her presence always inspired, restrained the
unseasonable impulse. - My whole powers being engrossed in this manner, it may
be easily imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper, on whom I could not now
turn my eyes, without making comparisons very little to her advantage. - It was
not even in my power to return distinct answers to the questions she asked from
time to time, so that she could not help observing my absence of behaviour; and
having a turn, for observation, watched my glances, and tracing them to the
divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. - That she might, however,
be convinced of the truth of her conjecture, she began to interrogate me with
regard to Narcissa, and notwithstanding all my endeavours to disguise my
sentiments, perceived my attachment by my confusion. - Upon which, she assumed a
stateliness of behaviour, and sat silent during the remaining part of the
entertainment. - At any other time I should have been prodigiously alarmed at
her suspicion, but at that instant, I was elevated by my passion above every
other consideration. - The mistress of my soul having retired with her brother,
I discovered so much uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to
go home; and while I conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a
regard for me to keep me any longer in torment. - I feigned ignorance of her
meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodgings, took my leave, and went
home in an exstasy; where I disclosed every thing that had happened to my
confident and humble servant Strap, who did not relish the accident so well as I
expected; and observed, that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. - »But
however (said he) you know best - you know best.« - Next day as I went to the
Bath, in hopes of seeing or hearing some tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met
by a gentlewoman, who having looked hard at me, cried, »O Christ! Mr. Random!«
Surprized at this exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who
spoke, and immediately recognized my old sweet-heart and fellow-sufferer Miss
Williams.
    I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such a decent
appearance, professed my joy at seeing her well, and desired to know where I
should have the pleasure of her conversation. She was as heartily rejoiced at
the apparent easiness of my fortune, and gave me to know that she, as yet, had
no habitation that she could properly call her own; but would wait on me at any
place I would please to appoint - Understanding that she was disengaged for the
present, I showed her the way to my own lodgings, where, after a very
affectionate salutation, she informed me of her being very happy in the service
of a young lady, to whom she was recommended by a former mistress deceased, into
whose family she had introduced herself by the honest deceit she had concerted,
while she lived with me in the garret at London - She then expressed a vehement
desire to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, and
ascribed her curiosity to the concern she had for my interest - I forthwith
gratified her request, and when I described my situation in Sussex, perceived
her to attend to my story with particular eagerness. She interrupted me when I
had finished that period, with »good God! is it possible,« - and then begged I
would be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I could,
burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise, about which I had
already formed a very interesting conjecture - Having therefore brought my
adventures down to the present day, she seemed very much affected with the
different circumstances of my fortune; and saying with a smile, she believed my
distresses were now at a period, proceeded to inform me, that the lady whom she
served was no other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with her
confidence for some time, - that in consequence of that trust, she had often
repeated the story of John Brown, with great admiration and regard; that she
loved to dwell upon the particulars of his character, and did not scruple to own
a tender approbation of his flame - I became delirious with this piece of
intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the angel of my
happiness, and acted such extravagancies, that she would have been convinced of
my sincerity, had not my honour been clear enough to her before - As soon as I
was in a condition to yield attention, she described the present situation of
her mistress, who had no sooner come home the night before, than she closeted
her, and in a rapture of joy, gave her to know that she had seen me at the ball,
where I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with such
advantage of transformation, that unless my image had been engraven on her
heart, it would have been impossible to know me for the person who had worn her
aunt's livery; - that by the language of my eyes, she was assured of the
continuance of my passion for her, and consequently of my being unengaged to any
other; and that though she did not doubt, I would speedily fall upon some method
of being introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss
Williams) had been sent abroad this very morning, on purpose to learn tidings of
the name and character I at present bore. - My bosom had been hitherto a
stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed upon it: My faculties were
over-born by the tide: It was some time, before I could open my mouth; and much
longer 'ere I could utter a coherent sentence - At length, I fervently requested
her to lead me immediately to the object of my adoration: but she resisted my
importunity, and explained the danger of such premature conduct - »How
favourable soever (said she) my lady's inclination towards you may be, this you
may depend upon, that she will not commit the smallest trespass on decorum,
either in disclosing her own, or in receiving a declaration of your passion: and
altho' the great veneration I have for you, has prompted me to reveal what she
communicated to me in confidence, I know so well the severity of her sentiments
with respect to the punctilios of her sex, that, if she should learn the least
surmise of it, she would not only dismiss me as a wretch unworthy of her
benevolence, but also for ever shun the efforts of your love« - I assented to
the justness of her remonstrance, and desired she would assist me with her
advice and direction: upon which, it was concerted between us, that for the
present, I should be contented with her telling Narcissa that in the course of
her inquiries, she could only learn my name: and that if in a day or two, I
could fall upon no other method of being made acquainted, she would deliver a
letter from me, on pretence of consulting her happiness; and say that I met her
in the streets, and bribed her to that piece of service. - Matters being thus
adjusted, I kept my old acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her
conversation, that my rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of
which he died five months ago, that the savage was still unmarried, and that his
aunt had been seized with a whim which he little expected, and chosen the
school-master of the parish for her lord and husband: but matrimony not agreeing
with her constitution, she had been hectick and dropsical a good while, and was
now at Bath in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health; that
her niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended her with the
same affection as before, notwithstanding the faux pas she had committed: and
that her nephew who had been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, did not
give his attendance out of good will, but purely to have an eye on his sister,
lest she should likewise throw herself away, without his consent or approbation.
- Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation to meet next
day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave; and Strap's looks being
very inquisitive about the nature of the communication subsisting between us, I
made him acquainted with the whole affair, to his great astonishment and
satisfaction.
 

                                  Chapter LVI

I become acquainted with Narcissa's brother who invites me to his house - where
I am introduced to that adorable creature - after dinner, the squire retires to
take his nap - Freeman, guessing the situation of my thoughts, withdraws
likewise on pretence of business - I declare my passion for Narcissa - am well
received - charmed with her conversation -- the squire detains us to supper - I
elude his design by a stratagem, and get home sober
 
In the afternoon, I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom I had been
recommended by Banter; where I had not sat five minutes 'till the fox-hunter
came in, and by his familiar behaviour, appeared to be intimate with my friend -
I was, at first, under some concern, lest he should recollect my features; but
when I found myself introduced to him as a gentleman from London, without being
discovered, I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company; hoping,
that in the course of our acquaintance, he would invite me to his house - nor
were my hopes frustrated, for as we spent the evening together, he grew
extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great many childish questions about
France and foreign parts; and seemed so highly entertained with my answers, that
in his cups, he shook me often by the hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and
in fine, desired our company at dinner next day, in his own house. - My
imagination was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I was to enjoy
the next day, that I slept very little that night; but getting up early in the
morning, went to the place appointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to
her my success with the squire - She was very much pleased at the occasion,
which (she said) could not fail of being agreeable to Narcissa, who in spite of
her passion for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation
and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and which she
believed I would find it necessary to remove, though she did not know how. - I
was a good deal startled at this insinuation, because I foresaw the difficulty I
should find in barely doing myself justice; for although it never was my
intention to impose myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, as a man of
fortune, I laid claim to the character of a gentleman, by birth, education and
behaviour; and yet (so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out) I
should find it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to these,
especially to the last, which was the most essential - Miss Williams was as
sensible as I, of this my disadvantage; but comforted me with observing, that
when once a woman has bestowed her affections on a man, she cannot help judging
of him in all respects, with a partiality easily influenced in his favour; - she
remarked that altho' some situations of my life had been low, yet none of them
had been infamous; that my indigence had been the crime not of me, but of
fortune; and that the miseries I had undergone, by improving the faculties both
of mind and body, qualified me the more for any dignified station; and would of
consequence, recommend me to the good graces of any sensible woman; - she
therefore advised me to be always open and unreserved to the inquiries of my
mistress, without unnecessarily betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate;
and trust to the strength of her love and reflection, for the rest. - The
sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on almost every
other subject, perfectly agreed with mine; I thanked her for the care she took
of my interests, and promising to behave myself according to her direction, we
parted, after she had assured me, that I might depend upon her best offices with
her mistress, and that she would from time to time, communicate to me such
intelligence as she could procure, relating to my flame. - Having dressed myself
to the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with the most fearful
impatience; and as the hour drew nigh, my heart beat with such increased
velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my
resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged: - At last Mr. Freeman called at
my lodgings, in his way, and I accompanied him to the house where all my
happiness was deposited. - We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat
smoking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any thing before
dinner; tho' I never had more occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to accept
his offer, which was also refused by my friend. We sat down (however) and
entered into conversation, which lasted half an hour, so that I had time to
recollect myself; and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope that
Narcissa would not appear - when all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave us
notice that dinner was upon the table - and my perturbation returned with such
violence, that I could scarce conceal it from the company as I ascended the
staircase. - When I entered the dining-room, the first object that saluted my
ravished eyes, was the divine Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned with all
the graces that meekness, innocence and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a
giddiness, my knees tottered, and I scarce had strength enough to perform the
ceremony of salutation, when her brother slapping me upon the shoulder, cried
»Measter Randan, that there is my sister.« I approached her with eagerness and
fear; but in the moment of our embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture! - It
was a lucky circumstance for us both, that my entertainer was not endued with an
uncommon stock of penetration; for our mutual confusion was so manifest, that
Mr. Freeman perceived it, and as we went home together, congratulated me on my
good fortune. - But so far was Bruin from entertaining the least suspicion, that
he encouraged me to begin a conversation with my mistress in a language unknown
to him, by telling her, that he had brought a gentleman (meaning me) who could
jabber with her in French and other foreign lingos, as fast as she pleased: then
turning to me, said, »Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with her, in
your French or Italiano; and tell me if she understands it as well as she would
be thought to do - there's her aunt and she will chatter together whole days in
it, and I can't have a mouthful of English for love or money.« I consulted the
looks of my amiable mistress, and found her averse to his proposal, which indeed
she declined with a sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of
disrespect to that part of the company which did not understand the language in
question. As I had the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my eyes
much more than my palate, which she tempted in vain with the most delicious bits
carved by her fair hand, and recommended by her persuasive tongue; - but all my
other appetites were swallowed up in the immensity of my love, which I fed by
gazing incessantly on the delightful object. - Dinner was scarce ended, when the
squire became very drousy, and after several dreadful yawns, got up, stretched
himself, took two or three turns across the room, begg'd we would allow him to
take a short nap, and having laid a strong injunction on his sister to detain us
'till his return, went to his repose without any further ceremony. - He had not
been gone many minutes, when Freeman guessing the situation of my heart, and
thinking he could not do me a greater favour, than to leave me alone with
Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all of a sudden, and starting up,
begg'd the lady's pardon for half an hour, having luckily remembered an
engagement of some consequence, that he must perform at that instant, - so
saying, he went away, promising to be back in time enough for tea; leaving my
mistress and me in great confusion. - Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of
disclosing the pantings of my soul, I had not power to use it - I studied many
pathetic declarations, but when I attempted to give them utterance, my tongue
denied its office; and she sat silent, with a downcast look full of anxious
alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation of some great event. - At length, I
endeavoured to put an end to this solemn pause, and began with »It is very
surprising, Madam« - here the sound dying away, I made a full stop - while
Narcissa starting, blushed, and with a timid accent, answered, »Sir?« -
Confounded at this note of interrogation, I pronounced with the most sheepish
bashfulness, »Madam!« to which she replied, »I beg pardon - I thought you had
spoke to me.« - Another pause ensued - I made another effort, and tho' my voice
faltered very much at the beginning, made shift to express myself in this
manner: - »I say, Madam, 'tis very surprising that love should act so
inconsistent with itself, as to deprive its votaries of the use of their
faculties, when they have most occasion for them. Since the happy occasion of
being alone with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts to
declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex - a passion which took possession
of my soul, while my cruel fate compell'd me to wear a servile disguise so
unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let me add, my deserts; yet favourable
in one respect, as it furnished me with opportunities of seeing and adoring your
perfections - Yes, Madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it
has lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me against a
thousand dangers and calamities!« - While I spoke thus, she concealed her face
with her fan; and when I ceased, recovering herself from the most beautiful
confusion, told me, that she thought herself very much obliged by my favourable
opinion of her; and that she was very sorry to hear I had been unfortunate -
Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded, owned myself sufficiently
recompensed by her kind compassion for what I had undergone, and declared that
the future happiness of my life depended solely upon her. - »Sir, (said she) I
should be very ungrateful, if after the signal protection you once afforded me,
I could refuse to contribute towards your happiness, in any reasonable
condescension.« - Transported at this acknowledgement, I threw myself at her
feet, and begged she would regard my passion with a favourable eye: She was
alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me to rise lest her brother should discover
me in that posture, and to spare her, for the present, upon a subject for which
she was altogether unprepared. - Upon this, I rose, assuring her I would rather
die than disobey her; but in the mean time begged her to consider how precious
the minutes of this opportunity were, and what restraint I put upon my
inclination, in sacrificing them to her desire. - She smiled with unspeakable
sweetness, and said, there would be no want of opportunities, provided I could
maintain the good opinion her brother had conceived of me; and I, enchanted with
her charms, seized her hand, which I well nigh devoured with kisses - But she
check'd my boldness with a severity of countenance; and desired I would not so
far forget myself or her, as to endanger the esteem she had for me; - she
reminded me of our being almost strangers to one another, and of the necessity
there was, for her knowing me better, before she could take any resolution in my
favour; and, in short, mingled so much good sense and complacency in her
reproof, that I became as much enamoured of her understanding, as I had been
before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my presumption with the utmost
reverence of conviction - She forgave my offence with her usual affability; and
sealed my pardon with a look so full of bewitching tenderness, that for some
minutes, my senses were lost in exstasy! I afterwards endeavoured to regulate my
behaviour according to her desire, and turn the conversation upon a more
indifferent subject; but her presence was an unsurmountable obstacle to my
design; while I beheld so much excellence, I found it impossible to call my
attention from the contemplation of it! I gazed with unutterable fondness! I
grew mad with admiration! - »My condition is unsupportable (cried I) I am
distracted with passion! why are you so exquisitely fair? - Why are you so
enchantingly good? - Why has nature dignified you with charms so much above the
standard of woman; and, wretch that I am, how dares my unworthiness aspire to
the enjoyment of such perfection!«
    She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, and by her
irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil felicity; but
lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted other subjects to
entertain my imagination - she chide me for having omitted to inquire about her
aunt, who (she assured me) in the midst of all her absence of temper, and
detachment from common affairs, often talked of me with uncommon warmth. - I
professed my veneration for the good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it
to the violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know
the present situation of her health. - Upon which, the amiable Narcissa repeated
what I had heard before, of her marriage, with all the tenderness for her
reputation that the subject would admit of; told me, she liv'd with her husband,
hard by, and was so much afflicted with a dropsy, and wasted by a consumption,
that she had small hopes of her recovery. - Having expressed my sorrow for her
distemper, I questioned her about my good friend Mrs. Sagely, who I learned (to
my great satisfaction) was still in good health, and by the encomiums she
bestowed upon me after I was gone, confirmed the favourable impression, my
behaviour at parting had made on Narcissa's heart - This circumstance introduced
an inquiry into the conduct of Sir Timothy Thicket, who (she informed me) had
found means to incense her brother so much against me, that she found it
impossible to undeceive him; but on the contrary, suffered very much in her own
character, by his scandalous insinuations - that the whole parish was alarmed,
and actually in pursuit of me; so that she had been in the utmost consternation
upon my account, well knowing how little my own innocence and her testimony
would have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice and brutality of those, who
must have judged me, had I been apprehended - that Sir Timothy being seized with
a fit of the apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was recovered, began
to be apprehensive of death, and to prepare himself accordingly for that great
event; as a step to which, he sent for her brother, owned with great contrition,
the brutal design he had upon her, and of consequence acquitted me of the
assault, robbery and correspondence with her, which he had laid to my charge,
after which confession he lived about a month in a languishing condition, and
was carried off by a second assault.
    Every word that this dear creature spoke, riveted the chains with which she
held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work, and the tempest of my
passion to wake again; when the return of Freeman destroyed the tempting
opportunity, and enabled me to quell the rising tumult. - A little while after,
the Squire staggered into the room, rubbing his eyes, and called for his tea,
which he drank out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy; we sipped some in the
ordinary way: Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt, and when Freeman and
I proposed to take our leave, the fox-hunter insisted on our spending the
evening at his house with such obstinacy of affection, that we were obliged to
comply. - For my own part, I should have been glad of the invitation, by which,
in all likelihood, I would be blessed with his sister's company, had I not been
afraid of risking her esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking with him,
which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw would happen; but there
was no remedy - I was forced to rely upon the strength of my constitution, which
I hoped would resist intoxication longer than the Squire's; and to trust to the
good-nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest.
    Our entertainer resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to be
furnished with liquor and glasses immediately after tea, but we absolutely
refused to set in for drinking so soon; and prevailed upon him to pass away an
hour or two at whist, in which we engaged as soon as Narcissa returned. - The
savage and I happened to be partners at first, and as my thoughts were wholly
employed on a more interesting game, I play'd so ill that he lost all patience,
swore bitterly, and threatened to call for wine if they would not grant him
another associate. - This desire was gratified, and Narcissa and I were of a
side; he won for the same reason that made him lose before; I was satisfied, my
lovely partner did not repine, and the time slipped away very agreeably, until
we were told that supper was served in another room.
    The Squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent, and
wrecked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed to the flames
with many execrations; threatning to make us redeem our loss with a large glass
and a quick circulation; and indeed we had no sooner supped, and my charmer
withdrawn, than he began to put his threats in execution. Three bottles of port
(for he drank no other sort of wine) were placed before us, with as many
water-glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after his example, by
each out of his respective allowance, and emptied in a trice, to the best in
christendom. - Though I swallowed this, and the next as fast as the glass could
be replenished, without hesitation or show of reluctance, I perceived that my
brain would not be able to bear many bumpers of this sort; and dreading the
perseverance of a champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make up
for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually put in
practice when the second course of bottles was called for. - The wine being
strong and heady, I was already a good deal discomposed by the dispatch we had
made, Freeman's eyes began to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a song,
which he uttered with great vociferation. - When I therefore saw the second
round brought in, I assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on
the subject of drinking, which, though he did not understand it, delighted him
highly, and telling him that your choice spirits at Paris never troubled
themselves with glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the house that
would contain a whole quart of wine. - »Odds niggers! (cried he) I have a silver
caudle-cup that holds just the quantity, for all the world - fetch it hither,
Numps.« - The vessel being produced, I bid him decant his bottle into it, which
having done, I nodded in a very deliberate manner, and said, »Pledge you.« - He
stared at me for some time, and crying, »What! all at one pull, measter Randan?«
- I answered, »At one pull! Sir, you are no milk-sop - we shall do you justice.«
- »Shall you? (said he, shaking me by the hand) odd then, I'll see it out, an't
were a mile to the bottom - Here's to our better acquaintance, measter Randan.«
So saying, he applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath. - I knew the
effect of it would be almost instantaneous; therefore, taking the cup, I began
to discharge my bottle into it, telling him he was now qualified to drink with
the Cham of Tartary. - I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he took
umbrage at them, and after several attempts to spit, made shift to stutter out,
»A f-f-t for your Chams of T-Tartary! I am a f-f-free-born Englishman, worth
th-three thousand a year, and v-value no man, damme!« - then dropping his jaw,
and fixing his eyes, he hickup'd aloud, and fell upon the floor as mute as a
flounder. - Mr. Freeman, heartily rejoiced at his defeat, assisted me in
carrying him to bed, where we left him to the care of his servants, and went
home to our respective habitations, congratulating one another on our good
fortune.
 

                                  Chapter LVII

Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's approbation of my flame -- I appease the
Squire - write to my Mistress, am blessed with an answer -- beg leave of her
brother to dance with her at a ball; obtain his consent and her's -- enjoy a
private conversation with her - am perplexed with reflections -- have the honour
of appearing her partner at the ball -- we are complimented by a certain
Nobleman - he discovers some symptoms of passion for Narcissa -- I am stung with
jealousy -- Narcissa alarmed, retires -- I observe Melinda in the company -- the
Squire is captivated by her beauty
 
I was met next morning, at the usual place by Miss Williams, who gave me joy of
the progress I had made in the affection of her mistress, and blessed me with an
account of that dear creature's conversation with her, after she had retired the
night before from our company. - I could scarce believe her information, when
she recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and passionate
were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and was particularly pleased
to hear that she approved of my behaviour to her brother, after she withdrew. -
Transported at the news of my happiness, I presented my ring to the messenger,
as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was above such
mercenary considerations, and refused my compliment with some resentment,
saying, she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and
contemptible. - I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my behaviour on
this head and to convince her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her
directions in the prosecution of the whole affair, which I had so much at heart,
that the repose of my life depended upon the consequence.
    As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour out the
effusions of my love, without danger of being interrupted, and perhaps reap some
endearing return from the queen of my desires, I implored her advice and
assistance in promoting this event; - but she gave me to understand, that
Narcissa would make no precipitate compliances of this kind, and that I would do
well to cultivate her brother's acquaintance, in the course of which, I would
not want opportunities of removing that reserve, which my mistress thought
herself obliged to maintain during the infancy of our correspondence. - In the
mean time, she promised to tell her lady that I had endeavoured by presents and
persuasions, to prevail upon her, (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from me,
which she had refused to charge herself with, until she should know Narcissa's
sentiments of the matter; and said, by these means she did not doubt of being
able to open a literary communication between us, which could not fail of
introducing more intimate connexions.
    I approved of her counsel, and our appointment being renewed for next day,
left her with an intent of falling upon some method of being reconciled to the
Squire, who, I supposed, would be offended with the trick we had put upon him. -
With this view, I consulted Freeman, who from his knowledge of the Fox-hunter's
disposition, assured me there was no other method of pacifying him, than that of
sacrificing ourselves for one night, to an equal match with him in drinking:
This I found myself necessitated to comply with, for the interest of my passion,
and therefore determined to commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might
run no risk of being discovered by Narcissa, in a state of brutal degeneracy. -
Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party, went, at my desire, to the Squire in
order to engage him, while I took care to furnish myself for his reception. - My
invitation was accepted, my guests honoured me with their company in the
evening, when Bruin gave me to understand that he had drank many tuns of wine in
his life, but was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night
before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and having ordered to every man his
bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the health of Narcissa. - The toasts
circulated with great devotion, the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew
noisy, and as Freeman and I had the advantage of drinking small French claret,
the savage was effectually tamed before our senses were in the least affected,
and carried home in a kind of apoplexy of drunkenness.
    I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and
punctual confidante, who telling me, she was permitted to receive my letters for
her mistress; I took up the pen immediately, and following the first dictates of
my passion, wrote as follows:
 
        »Dear Madam,
            Were it possible for the powers of utterance, to reveal the soft
        emotions of my soul; the fond anxiety, the glowing hopes, and chilling
        fears that rule my breast by turns; I should need no other witness than
        this paper, to evince the purity and ardour of that flame your charms
        have kindled in my heart. But alas! expression wrongs my love! I am
        inspired with conceptions that no language can convey! Your beauty fills
        me with wonder! your understanding with ravishment, and your goodness
        with adoration! I am transported with desire, distracted with doubts,
        and tortured with impatience! Suffer me then, lovely arbitress of my
        fate, to approach you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my passion
        to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a heart overflowing with the most
        genuine and disinterested love; to gaze with exstasy on the divine
        object of my wishes, to hear the musick of her enchanting tongue! to
        rejoice in her smiles of approbation, and banish the most intolerable
        suspense from the bosom of
Your enraptured
                                                                       R-- R--.«
 
Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my faithful friend,
with an injunction to second my entreaty with all her eloquence and influence;
and in the mean time went to dress, with an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper
and Miss, whom I had utterly neglected and indeed almost forgot, since my dear
Narcissa had resumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman received me very
kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety, which, however, I could easily
perceive was forced and dissembled; among other things, she pretended to joke me
upon my passion for Narcissa, which she averred was no secret, and asked if I
intended to dance with her at the next assembly. - I was a good deal concerned
to find myself become the town-talk on this subject, lest the Squire, having
notice of my inclinations, should disapprove of them, and by breaking off all
correspondence with me, deprive me of the opportunities I now enjoyed. - But I
resolved to use the interest I had with him, while it lasted; and that very
night, meeting him occasionally, asked his permission to solicit her company at
the ball, which he very readily granted, to my inexpressible satisfaction.
    Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night, by a thousand
delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up betimes, and
flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time the pleasure of seeing
Miss Williams approach with a smile on her countenance, which I interpreted into
a good omen. Neither was I mistaken in my presage: She presented me with a
letter from the idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it with great
devotion, I opened with the utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her
approbation in these terms.
 
        »Sir,
            To say I look upon you with indifference, would be a piece of
        dissimulation which, I think, no decorum requires, and no custom can
        justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue was ashamed
        to declare, I will not scruple to own myself pleased with your passion,
        confident of your integrity, and so well convinced of my own discretion,
        that I should not hesitate in granting you the interview that you
        desire, were I not over-awed by the prying curiosity of a malicious
        world, the censure of which might be fatally prejudicial to the
        reputation of
Your
                                                                      NARCISSA.«
 
No Anchorite in the exstasy of devotion, ever adored a relique with more fervour
than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof of my charmer's candour,
generosity and affection! I read it over a hundred times; was ravished with her
confession in the beginning; but the subscription of YOUR NARCISSA, yielded me
such delight as I had never felt before! My happiness was still increased by
Miss Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady's tender expressions
in my favour, when she received and read my letter. - In short, I had all the
reason in the world to believe that this gentle creature's bosom was possessed
by a passion for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous, as mine for her.
    I informed my friend of the Squire's consent, with regard to my dancing with
Narcissa at the ball, and desired her to tell her mistress, that I would do
myself the honour of visiting her in the afternoon, in consequence of his
permission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent as her brother had been
complaisant in that particular. - Miss Williams expressed a good deal of joy, at
hearing I was so much in favour with the fox-hunter, and ventured to assure me,
that my visit would be very agreeable to my mistress, the rather because Bruin
was engaged to dine abroad. - This was a circumstance, which I scarce need say,
pleased me. - I went immediately to the long-room, where I found him, and
affecting to know nothing of his engagement, told him, I would do myself the
pleasure to wait upon him in the afternoon and to present his sister with a
ticket for the ball. - He shook me by the hand, according to custom, and giving
me to understand that he was to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink tea with
Narcissa notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for my visit in the mean
time.
    Every thing succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible patience
for the time, which no sooner arrived, than I hastened to the scene, which my
fancy had pre-occupied long before. - I was introduced accordingly, to the dear
enchantress, whom I found accompanied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of
ordering tea, retired at my approach. - This favourable accident, which alarmed
my whole soul, disordered her also. - I found myself actuated by an irresistible
impulse, I advanced to her with eagerness and awe; and profiting by the
confusion that prevailed over her, clasped the fair angel in my arms, and
imprinted a glowing kiss upon her lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy
rosebud just bursting from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered with
blushes, her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her feet, and
implored her pardon. - Her love became advocate in my cause; her look softened
into forgiveness, she raised me up, and chide me with so much sweetness of
displeasure, that I was tempted to repeat the offence, had not the coming of a
servant with the tea-board, prevented my presumption. - While we were subject to
be interrupted or over-heard, we conversed about the approaching ball, at which
she promised to grace me as a partner; but when the equipage was removed, and we
were left alone, I resumed the more interesting theme, and expressed myself with
such transport and agitation, that my mistress, fearing I would commit some
extravagance, rung the bell for her maid, whom she detained in the room, as a
check upon my vivacity. - I was not sorry for this precaution, because I could
unbosom myself without reserve, before Miss Williams, who was the confidante of
us both. - I therefore gave a loose to the inspirations of my passion, which
operated so successfully upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that she laid
aside the restraint she had hitherto wore, and blessed me with the most melting
declaration of her mutual flame! - It was impossible for me to forbear taking
the advantage of this endearing condescension. - She now gently yielded to my
embrace, while I encircling all that I held dear, within my arms, tasted in
advance, the joys of that paradise I hoped in a little time wholly to possess! -
We spent the afternoon in all the exstacy of hope that the most fervent love
exchanged by mutual vows could inspire; and Miss Williams was so much affected
with our chaste caresses, which recalled the sad remembrance of what she was,
that her eyes were filled with tears.
    The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the dear object
of my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at parting; and repairing to my
lodgings, communicated to my friend Strap every circumstance of my happiness,
which filled him with so much pleasure, that it run over at his eyes; and he
prayed heartily, that no envious devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of
blessing from my lip. - When I reflected on what had happened, and especially on
the unreserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I could not help being amazed
at her omitting to enquire into the particular circumstances of the life and
fortune of one whom she had favoured with her affection, and I began to be a
little anxious about the situation of her finances; well knowing that I should
do an irreparable injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should
espouse her, without being enabled to support her in the rank which was
certainly her due. - I had heard indeed, while I served her aunt, that her
father had left her a considerable sum; and that every body believed she would
inherit the greatest part of her kinswoman's dowry, but I did not know how far
she might be restricted by the old gentleman's will, in the enjoyment of what he
left her; and I was too well informed of the virtuosi's late conduct, to think
my mistress could have any expectations from that quarter. - I confided,
however, in the good sense and delicacy of my charmer, who, I was sure, would
not consent to unite her fate with mine, before she had fully considered and
provided for the consequence.
    The Ball-night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had reserved for
some grand occasion; and having drank tea with Narcissa and her brother,
conducted my angel to the scene, where she in a moment eclipsed all her female
competitors for beauty, and attracted the admiration of the whole assembly. - My
heart dilated with pride on this occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds
when, after we had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his
figure and influence in the beau monde, came up, and in the hearing of all
present, honoured us with a very particular compliment, upon our accomplishments
and appearance; - but this transport was soon checked, when I perceived his
lordship attach himself with great assiduity to my mistress; and say some warm
things, which I thought, favoured too much of passion. - It was then I began to
feel the pangs of jealousy - I dreaded the power and address of my rival - I
sickened at his discourse; when she opened her lips to answer, my heart died
within me - when she smiled, I felt the pains of the damned! - I was enraged at
his presumption; I cursed her complaisance! when he quitted her and went to the
other side of the room. - Narcissa suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed
me, put some questions to me, as soon as he was gone, to which I made no other
reply than a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of my breast, and
surprised her not a little. - She no sooner observed my emotion, than she
changed colour, and asked what ailed me; but before I could make answer, her
brother pulling me by the sleeve, bid me take notice of a lady who sat fronting
us, whom I immediately, to my vast astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda,
accompanied by her mother and an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know. -
»Wounds! Mr. Randan, (cried the Squire) is she not a delicate piece of stuff? -
'Sdeath! I have a good mind - if I thought she was a single person.« -
Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough to foresee that
my passion might suffer greatly by the presence of this lady, who in all
probability would revenge herself upon me for having formerly disgraced her, by
spreading reports to my prejudice. - I was therefore alarmed at these symptoms
of the Squire's admiration; and for some time did not know what reply to make,
when he asked my opinion of her beauty: At length I came to a determination, and
told him that her name was Melinda, that she had a fortune of ten thousand
pounds, and was said to be under promise of marriage to a certain lord, who
deferred his nuptials, until he should be of age, which would happen in a few
months: - I thought this piece of intelligence, which I had myself invented,
would have hindered him effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of
her; but I was egregiously mistaken: The fox-hunter had too much
self-sufficiency to despair of success with any competitor on earth. He
therefore made light of her engagement, saying, with a smile of
self-approbation, »Mayhap she will change her mind -- what signifies his being a
Lord? Lord? - I think myself as good a man as e'er a Lord in christendom; and
I'll see if a commoner worth three thousand a year won't serve her turn.« - This
determination startled me not a little; I knew he would soon discover the
contrary of what I advanced, and as I believed he would find her ear open to his
addresses, did not doubt of meeting with every obstacle in my amour, that her
malice could invent, and her influence with him execute. - This reflection
increased my chagrin - My vexation was evident - Narcissa insisted on going home
immediately; and as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full
of languishment, directed to her a profound bow, which stung me to the soul. -
Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an appearance of concern, what
was the matter with me? and I could pronounce no more than, »By heaven! I'm
distracted!«
 

                                 Chapter LVIII

Tortured with jealousy, I go home and abuse Strap -- receive a message from
Narcissa, in consequence of which, I hasten to her apartment, where her
endearing assurances banish all my doubts and apprehensions -- in my retreat I
discover somebody in the dark, whom, suspecting to be a spy, I resolve to kill:
but, to my great surprise, am convinced of his being no other than Strap --
Melinda slanders me -- I become acquainted with Lord Quiverwit, who endeavours
to sound me, with regard to Narcissa -- the Squire is introduced to his
lordship, and grows cold towards me -- I learn from my confidante, that this
nobleman professes honourable love to my mistress, who continues faithful to me,
notwithstanding the scandalous reports she has heard to my prejudice -- I am
mortified with an assurance that her whole fortune depends upon the pleasure of
her brother -- Mr. Freeman condoles me on the decline of my character, which I
vindicate so much to his satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat fame in my
behalf
 
Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home in the
condition of a frantic Bedlamite; and finding the fire in my apartment almost
extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap, whose ear I pinched with such
violence, that he roared hideously with pain, and when I quitted my hold looked
so foolishly aghast, that no unconcerned spectator could have seen him, without
being seized with an immoderate fit of laughter. - It is true, I was soon
sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage I had
committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, said, »I forgive you,
and may God forgive you.« - But he could not help shedding some tears at my
unkindness. I felt unspeakable remorse for what I had done, cursed my own
ingratitude, and considered his tears as a reproach that my soul, in her present
disturbance, could not bear. - It set all my passions into a new ferment, I
swore horrible oaths without meaning or application, I foamed at the mouth,
kicked the chairs about the room, and play'd abundance of mad pranks that
frightened my friend almost out of his senses. - At length my transport
subsided, I became melancholy, and wept insensibly.
    During this state of dejection, I was surprised with the appearance of Miss
Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted into the chamber
without giving me previous notice of her approach: - She was extremely affected
with my condition, which she had learned from him, begged me to moderate my
passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see
me forthwith. - That dear name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and
without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment through the garden,
which we entered by a private door. - I found the adorable creature in tears! I
was melted at the sight - we continued silent for some time - my heart was too
full to speak - her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment; at last she sobbing
cried, »What have I done to disoblige you?« - My heart was pierced with the
tender question! I drew near with the utmost reverence of affection! I fell upon
my knees before her, and kissing her hand, exclaimed, »O! thou art all goodness
and perfection! I am undone by my want of merit! I am unworthy to possess thy
charms, which heaven hath destined for the arms of some more favoured being.« -
She guessed the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and
gave me such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that all my doubts
and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned within my breast.
    At midnight I left the kind nymph to her repose, and being let out by Miss
Williams, at the garden gate by which I entered, began to explore my way
homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that of a baboon when
he mows and chatters. I turned instantly, and perceiving something black,
concluded I was discovered by some spy, employed to watch for that purpose:
Arroused at this conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa
appeared in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her
fame, had not the voice of Strap restrained my arm: It was with great difficulty
he could pronounce, »D-d-d--do! mum-um-um-murder me, if you please!« Such an
effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his teeth rattled like a pair of
castanets - Pleased to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and
asked what brought him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand that his
concern for me had induced him to dodge me to that place, where the same reason
had detained him till now; and he frankly owned, that in spite of the esteem he
had for Miss Williams, he began to be very uneasy about me, considering the
disposition in which I went abroad; and if I had staid much longer, would have
certainly alarmed the neighbourhood in my behalf. - The knowledge of this his
intention confounded me! I represented to him the mischievous consequences that
would have attended such a rash action, and cautioning him severely against any
such design for the future, concluded my admonition with an assurance, that in
case he should ever act so madly, I would, without hesitation put him to death.
- »Have a little patience (cried he, in a lamentable tone) your displeasure will
do the business, without your committing murder.« - I was touched with this
reproach; and as soon as we got home, made it my business to appease him, by
explaining the cause of that transport, during which I had used him so
unworthily.
    Next day when I went into the long room, I observed several whispers
circulate all of a sudden; and did not doubt that Melinda had been busy with my
character; but I consoled myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which I rested
with the most perfect confidence, and going up to the rowly-powly table, won a
few pieces from my suspected rival, who with an easy politeness, entered into
conversation with me, and desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me
with tea and chocolate. - I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against his
insinuating behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he artfully turned the
discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured, by hinting at an intrigue he pretended
to be engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connexion there was between her and
me. - But all his finesse was ineffectual; I was convinced of his dissimulation,
and gave such general answers to his inquiries, that he was forced to drop the
subject and talk of something else.
    While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in, with another
gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship; and he was received with such
peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded the courtier intended to use
him in some shape or another; and thence I conceived an unlucky omen. - But I
had more cause to be dismayed the following day, when I saw the Squire in
company with Melinda and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful
glances; and when I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial
shake of the hand, returned my salute with a cold repetition of »Servant,
servant,« which he pronounced with such indifference, or rather contempt, that
if he had not been Narcissa's brother I should have affronted him in public.
    These occurrences disturbed me not a little, I foresaw the brooding storm,
and armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but Narcissa being at stake,
I was far from being resigned. - I could have renounced every other comfort of
life with some degree of fortitude; but the prospect of losing her, disabled all
my philosophy, and tortured my soul into madness.
    Miss Williams found me, next morning, full of anxious tumult, which did not
abate, when she told me, that my Lord Quiverwit, having professed honourable
intentions, had been introduced to my lovely Mistress by her brother, who had at
the same time, from the information of Melinda, spoke of me as an Irish
fortune-hunter, without either birth or estate to recommend me; who supported
myself in the appearance of a gentleman by sharping, and other infamous
practices; and who was of such an obscure origin, that I did not even know my
own extraction. - Though I expected all this, I could not hear it with temper,
especially as truth was so blended with falsehood in the assertion, that it would
be almost impossible to separate the one from the other in my vindication. - But
I said nothing on this head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had been
affected with the discovery. - That generous creature, far from believing these
imputations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante, than she inveighed
with great warmth against the malevolence of the world, to which only she
ascribed the whole of what had been said to my disadvantage; and calling every
circumstance of my behaviour to her, into review before her, found every thing
so polite, honourable and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least
doubt of my being the gentleman I appeared to be. - »I have indeed (said she)
purposely forbore to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation of
some misfortunes, which he has undergone, should give him pain: And as to the
article of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into it, and of
discovering the situation of my own, lest we should find ourselves both unhappy
in the explanation; for alas! my provision is conditional, and depends entirely
on my marrying with my brother's consent.«
    Thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my eyes, the colour
vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of universal trepidation! -
My female friend perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with assurances of
Narcissa's constancy, and the hope of some accident favourable to our love; and
as a further consolation let me know, that she had acquainted my mistress with
the out-lines of my life; and that although she was no stranger to the present
low state of my finances, her love and esteem were rather increased than
diminished by the knowledge of my circumstances. - I was greatly comforted by
this assurance, which saved me a world of confusion and anxiety: For I must have
imparted my situation one day to Narcissa; and this I could not have done
without shame and disorder.
    As I did not doubt that by this time, the scandalous aspersions of Melinda
were diffused all over the town, I resolved to collect my whole strength of
assurance, to brow-beat the efforts of her malice, and to publish her adventure
with the Frenchified barber, by way of reprisal. - In the mean time, having
promised to be at the garden gate about midnight, Miss Williams took her leave,
bidding me repose myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which
was as perfect as inviolable. - Before I went abroad I was visited by Freeman,
who came on purpose to acquaint me with the infamous stories, that were raised
at my expense; I heard them with great temper, and in my turn informed him of
every thing that had happened between Melinda and me; and among other things
entertained him with the story of the barber, letting him know what share his
friend Banter had in that affair: He was convinced of the injury my reputation
had suffered, and no longer doubting the source from whence this deluge of
slander had flowed upon me, undertook to undeceive the town in my behalf, and
roll the stream hack upon its origin; but in the mean time cautioned me from
appearing in public while the prepossession was strong against me, lest I
should meet with some affront that might have bad consequences.
 

                                  Chapter LIX

I receive an extraordinary message at the door of the long room, which I however
enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to take the law of me -- I rebuke
Melinda for her malice -- She weeps with vexation -- Lord Quiverwit is severe
upon me -- I retort his sarcasm -- am received with the utmost tenderness by
Narcissa, who desires to hear the story of my life -- we vow eternal constancy
to one another -- I retire -- am waked by a messenger, who brings a challenge
from Quiverwit, whom I meet, engage, and vanquish
 
I thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment would not
permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order to do justice to my
character among his friends and acquaintance, than I sallied out, and went
directly to the long-room. - I was met at the door by a servant, who presented
to me a billet without a subscription, importing that my presence was
disagreeable to the company, and desiring I would take the hint without further
disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the future. - This peremptory
message filled me with indignation. - I followed the fellow who delivered it,
and seizing him by the collar, in presence of all the company, threatened to put
him instantly to death, if he did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him
with such an impudent commission, that I might punish him as he deserved. - The
messenger, affrighted at my menaces and furious looks, fell upon his knees, and
told me, that the gentleman who ordered him to deliver the letter was no other
than Narcissa's brother, who at that time stood at the other end of the room,
talking to Melinda. - I went up to him immediately, and in the hearing of his
inamorata, accosted him in these words: »Lookee, Squire, was it not for one
consideration that protects you from my resentment, I would cane you where you
stand, for having had the presumption to send me this scurrilous intimation,«
which I tore to pieces and threw in his face; at the same time darting an angry
regard at his mistress, and telling her, I was sorry she had put it out of my
power to compliment her upon her invention, but at the expense of her good
nature and veracity. - Her admirer, whose courage never rose but in proportion
to the wine he had swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what is called
an honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for an assault, and took witnesses
accordingly; while she, piqued at his pusilanimous behaviour, and enraged at the
sarcasm I had uttered against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a public
cause, and wept aloud with spite and vexation. - The tears of a lady could not
fail of attracting the notice and concern of the spectators, to whom she
complained of my rudeness, with great bitterness, saying, If she was a man I
durst not use her so. - The greatest part of the gentlemen, already prejudiced
against me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, as appeared from their
looks; though none of them signified their disgust any other way, except my Lord
Quiverwit, who ventured to say with a sneer, that I was in the right to
establish my own character, of which he had now no longer any doubt. - Nettled
at this severe equivoque, which raised a laugh at my expense, I replied with
some warmth, »I am proud of having in that particular got the start of your
lordship.« - He made no answer to my repartee, but with a contemptuous smile,
walked off, leaving me in a very disagreeable situation. - In vain did I make up
to several people of my acquaintance, whose conversation, I hoped, would banish
my confusion; every body shunned me like a person infected, and I should not
have been able to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and
fond Narcissa come to my relief. - I quitted the scene of my mortification, and
sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my contemplation, when I found
myself just opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered, and purchased a ring set
with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded by diamond sparks, for which I
paid ten guineas, intending it for a present to the charmer of my soul.
    I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, who,
notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received me with the
utmost confidence and tenderness; and having been informed of the general
sketches of my life, by Miss Williams, expressed a desire of knowing the
particular circumstances, which I related with great candour, omitting however,
some things which I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the
reader's reflection will easily suggest. - As my story was little else than a
recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle from her
enchanting eyes, during the whole of the narration, which when I had finished,
she recompensed me for my trouble, with the most endearing protestations of
eternal love. - She bewailed her restricted condition, as it was the means of
retarding my happiness; told me, that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother's
permission, had been to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and actually
proposed marriage; and seeing me extremely affected with this piece of
information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her affection, by
espousing me in private, and leaving the rest to fate. - I was penetrated with
this instance of her regard, but that I might not be outdone in generosity,
resisted the bewitching temptation, in consideration of her honour and interest;
at the same time, presented my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attachment, and
on my knees, implored heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever my heart
should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion that I then avowed. - She
received my token, gave me in return her picture in miniature, exquisitely drawn
and set in gold; and in the same posture called heaven to witness and to judge
her flame. - Our vows thus reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued,
and our mutual fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew
insensible of the progress of time, and it was morning before I could tear
myself from this darling of my soul! - My good angel foresaw what would happen,
and prompted me to indulge myself on this occasion, in consideration of the
fatal absence I was doomed to suffer.
    I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and having slept about
two hours, was waked by Strap, who, in great confusion, told me, there was a
footman below with a letter for me, which he would deliver to no body but
myself. - Alarmed at this piece of news, I desired my friend to show him up to
my chamber, and received a letter from him, which, he said, required an
immediate answer: Upon which I opened it, and read
 
        »Sir,
            When any man injures my honour, let the difference of rank between
        us be ever so great, I am contented to wave the privilege of my quality,
        and seek reparation from him on equal terms. - The insolence of your
        reply to me yesterday, in the long-room, I might have overlooked, had
        not your presumptive emulation in a much more interesting affair, and a
        discovery which I made this morning, concurred in persuading me to
        chastise your audacity with my sword. - If you therefore, have spirit
        enough to support the character you assume, you will not fail to follow
        the bearer immediately to a convenient place, where you shall be met by
                                                                     QUIVERWIT.«
 
Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed by the
superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never had less inclination
to fight than at this time: However, finding there was a necessity for
vindicating the reputation of my mistress, as well as for asserting my own
honour, I forthwith rose, and dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bid Strap
attend me, and set out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way,
for having been observed in my return from my angel - So I interpreted his
lordship's discovery. - When I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey told
me, he had orders to stop; upon which, I commanded Strap to halt also, while I
walked forward; resolved, if possible, to come to an explanation with my
challenger, before we should come to battle. - Nor was an opportunity wanting;
for I no sooner approached, than he asked with a stern countenance, what
business I had in Mr. Tophall's garden, so early in the morning: »I don't know,
my Lord, (said I) how to answer a question put to me with such a magisterial
haughtiness. - If your lordship will please to expostulate calmly, you will have
no cause to repent of your condescension - Otherwise, I am not to be intimidated
into any confession.« - »There's no room for denial (answered he) I saw you come
out with my own eyes.« - »Did any other person see me?« (said I.) - »I neither
know nor care (said he) I want no other evidence than that of my own senses.« -
Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone, I endeavoured to
appease his jealousy, by owning an intrigue with the waiting-maid; but he had
too much discernment to be so easily imposed upon, and told me there was only
one way to convince him of the truth of what I alleged; which was no other than
renouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and promising upon honour, never to
speak to her for the future. - Exasperated at this proposal, I unsheathed my
sword, saying, »Heavens! what title have you, or any man on earth, to impose
such terms on me!« He did the same, and making towards me with a contracted
brow, said I was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa. - »He's a scandalous
villain (I replied, in a transport of fury) who brands me with that imputation!
She is a thousand times more chaste than the mother who bore you; and I will
assert her honour with my heart's blood!« - So saying, I rushed upon him with
more eagerness than address, and endeavouring to get within his point, received
a wound in my neck, which redoubled my rage. - He excelled me in temper as well
as in skill, by which means he parried my thrusts with great calmness, until I
had almost exhausted my spirits; and when he perceived me beginning to flag,
attacked me fiercely in his turn. - Finding himself however better opposed than
he expected, he resolved to follow his longe, and close with me; accordingly,
his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side of the breast-bone, and running up
between my shirt and skin, appeared over my left shoulder: I imagined that his
weapon had perforated my lungs, and of consequence, that the wound was mortal;
therefore determined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell, which was close
to my breast, before he could disintangle his point, and keeping it fast with my
left hand, shortned my own sword with my right, intending to run him through the
heart; but he received the thrust in the left arm, which penetrated up to the
shoulder-blade. - Disappointed in this expectation, and afraid still that death
would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and being much the stronger,
threw him upon the ground, where I wrested his sword out of his hand, and so
great was my confusion, instead of turning the point upon him, struck out three
of his fore-teeth with the hilt. - In the mean time, our servants seeing us
fall, run up to separate and assist us; but before their approach, I was upon my
feet, and had discovered, that my supposed mortal wound was only a slight
scratch. The knowledge of my own safety, disarmed me of a good deal of my
resentment, and I began to enquire with some concern into the situation of my
antagonist, who remained on the ground bleeding plentifully at his mouth and
arm. - I helped his footman to raise him, and having bound up his wound with my
handkerchief, assured him it was not dangerous; I likewise restored his sword,
and offered to support him to his own house. - He thanked me, with an air of
sullen dignity; and whispering to me, that I should hear from him soon, went
away, leaning on his servant's shoulder.
    I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a threat, and
resolved, if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever advantage fortune
might give me over him, in another manner. - In the mean time, I had leisure to
take notice of Strap, who seemed quite stupefied with horror; and (after having
recovered him from his exstasy, with an assurance that I had received no damage)
to explain the nature of this affair as we walked homeward. - By that time I had
got into my apartment, I found the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good
deal of clotted blood run down upon my shirt: Upon which I pulled off my coat
and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress it with more ease. -
My friend no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with blood, than imagining I
had got at least twenty dreadful wounds, he cried, »O Jesus!« and fell flat on
the floor. - I stopped the bleeding with a little dry lint, and applying a
plaster over it, cleaned myself from the gore, shifted and dressed, while he
lay senseless at my feet; so that when he recovered, and saw me perfectly well,
he could scarce believe his own eyes. - Now that the danger was past, I was very
well pleased with what had happened, which I did not doubt, would soon become
known, and consequently dignify my character not a little in this place. - I was
also proud of having shown myself, in some shape, worthy of the love of
Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, would not think the worse of me for what I had
done.
 

                                   Chapter LX

I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in public, and am carressed -- I am
sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose presence I quit in a passion -- Narcissa is
carried off by her brother -- I intend to pursue him, and am dissuaded by my
friend -- I engage in play, and lose all my money -- set out for London -- try
my fortune at the gaming-table, without success -- receive a letter from
Narcissa -- bilk my tailor
 
While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of this duel being
communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over the town. - I was visited
by Freeman, who testified his surprise at finding me, having been told, that
Lord Quiverwit being dead of his wounds, I had absconded, in order to avoid the
cognizance of the law. I asked if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel;
and understanding it was attributed to his lordship's resentment of my reply in
the Long-room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected. -
My friend, after I had assured him that my antagonist was in no danger, wished
me joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing could happen more opportunely
to support the idea he had given me of my character, to his friends among whom
he had been very assiduous in my behalf.
    On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffeehouse, where
I was saluted by a great many of those very persons, who shunned me the
preceeding day. - And I found every body making merry with the story of
Melinda's French gallant. - While I remained in this place, I received a message
from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if I was not engaged, to see me at his house.
    Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment where I
was received by his lordship in bed. - Being left by ourselves, he thanked me in
very polite terms, for having used the advantage fortune had given me over him,
with such moderation; and asked pardon for any offence his resentment might have
prompted him to commit. - »I would willingly, (said he) make you my friend; but
as it is impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for Narcissa, I am too
well convinced of your sentiments, to think we shall ever agree on that subject.
I took the liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to own candidly,
that I cannot help opposing your success with that young lady; though at the
same time, I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of justice and
honour: This, however, I think proper to advertise you of, that she has no
independent fortune, and if you should even succeed in your addresses, you would
have the mortification to see her reduced to indigence, unless you have
wherewithal to support her - And I am credibly informed of your incapacity that
way. - Nay, I will confess, that, urged by this consideration, I have actually
sent notice to her brother, of the progress I suspect you have made in her
affection, and desired him to take his precautions accordingly.« - Alarmed and
provoked at this information, I told his lordship, that I did not see how he
could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession of open dealing, and
flung away from him in a passion.
    As I walked homeward, in hopes of hearing from my mistress as usual by means
of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the waving of a handkerchief, from the
window of a coach and six that passed by me at full speed; and upon further
observation, I saw a servant on horse-back riding after it, who, I knew by his
livery, belonged to the Squire. - Thunderstruck with this discovery, the
knowledge of my misfortune rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed
immediately that the signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa, who being
hurried away in consequence of Lord Quiverwit's message to her brother, had no
other method of relating her distress, and imploring my assistance. - Frantick
with this conjecture, I run to my lodging, snatched my pistols, and ordered
Strap to get post-horses, with such incoherence of speech and disorder, that the
poor valet, terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of providing
what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who being informed of my behaviour,
came streight to my apartment, and conjured me so pathetically to acquaint him
with the cause of my uneasiness, that I could not refuse to tell him my
happiness was fled with Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He
represented the madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me
from it with great strength of friendship and reason: But all his arguments
would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind of the dependence I ought
to have on the love of Narcissa, and attachment to her maid, which could not
fail of finding opportunities enough to advertise me of their situation; and at
the same time, demonstrated the injury my charmer's reputation must suffer from
my precipitate retreat. I was convinced and composed by these considerations: I
appeared in public with an air of tranquillity, was well received by the best
company in town, and my misfortune taking air, condoled accordingly; while I had
the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally discountenanced, that she was
fain to return to London, in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies
at Bath. - But though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul supported
my spirits a little while, I began to be very uneasy, when at the end of several
weeks, I found that expectation disappointed. - In short, melancholy and
despondence took possession of my soul; and repining at that providence, which
by acting the stepmother towards me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I
determined, in a fit of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming table, with a
view of acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independent for life; or of
plunging myself into such a state of misery, as would effectually crush every
ambitious hope that now tortured my imagination.
    Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and after some turns
of fortune, found myself, at the end of three days, worth a thousand pounds; but
it was not my intention to stop there, for which cause I kept Strap ignorant of
my success, and continued my career, until I was reduced to five guineas, which
I would have hazarded also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bett of two
hundred pounds to such a petty sum.
    Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself so much
at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance, with such calmness, that
he imagining I joked, affected to receive the tidings with great equanimity. -
But both he and I found ourselves mistaken very soon. - I had misinterpreted my
own stupidity into deliberate resignation, and he had reason to believe me in
earnest, when he saw me next morning agitated with the most violent despair,
which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his power.
    In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place in the
stage coach for London; and in the mean time, pay'd my debts in Bath, which
amounted to thirty shillings only. - Without taking leave of my friends I
embarked, Strap having the good fortune to find a return horse, and arrived in
town, without having met with any thing remarkable on the road; save that, while
we crossed Bagshot Heath, I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my
fortune, by laying passengers under contribution, in some such place. - My
thoughts were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have digested the
crime of robbery, so righteously had I concerted my plan, and ventured my life
in the execution, had I not been deterred by reflecting upon the infamy that
attends detection.
    The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession of it,
and next day went in quest of Banter, who received me with open arms, in
expectation of having his bond discharged to his liking: But when he understood
what had happened, his countenance changed of a sudden, and he told me, with a
dryness of displeasure peculiar to himself, that if he was in my place, he would
put it out of fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be avenged of
his own indiscretion at once. - When I desired him to explain his meaning, he
pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tip-toes, and was going away without
any further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence, and demanded the
five guineas I had formerly lent him. »Five guineas! (cried he) Zounds! had you
acted with common prudence you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket by
this time. - I depended upon five hundred from you, as much as if I had had
notes for it in the bank; and by all the rules of equity, you are indebted to me
for that sum.« - I was neither pleased nor convinced by this computation, and
insisted on my right with such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter
his tone, and appease my clamour, by assuring me, that he was not master of five
shillings. - Society in distress, generally promotes good understanding among
people; from being a dun, I descended to be a client, and asked his advice about
repairing my losses. - He counselled me to have recourse again to the gaming
table, where I had succeeded so well before, and to put myself in a condition,
by selling my watch. - I followed his directions, and having accommodated him
with a few pieces, went to the place, where I lost every shilling.
    I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, and having made
Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my sword immediately, that I
might be enabled to make another effort. - This affectionate creature no sooner
understood my purpose, than seized with insuppressible sorrow at the prospect of
my misery, he burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small
sum he could raise on the sword should be spent: »On my own account (said he) I
am quite unconcerned; for while God spares me health and these ten fingers, I
can earn a comfortable subsistence any where; but what must become of you, who
have less humility to stoop, and more appetites to gratify.« - Here I
interrupted him, by saying, with a gloomy aspect, I could never want a resource
while I had a loaded pistol in my possession. - Stupified with horror, at this
dreadful insinuation, he stood mute for some time, and then broke out into »God
of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation of the devil! -
consider your immortal soul - there's no repentance in the grave! - O Lord! that
ever it should come to this - Are we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the
will of heaven? - where is your patience? - Durum patientia frango - you are but
a young man - there may be many good things in store for you - accidit in
puncto, quid non speratur in anno - remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; perhaps he
is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with the hopes of finding and
relieving you - nay, peradventure he is already arrived, the ship was expected
about this time.« - A ray of hope shot athwart the darkness of my soul, at this
suggestion; I thanked my friend for his seasonable recollection, and after
having promised to take no resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping
for intelligence.
    In his absence I was visited by Banter, who being informed of my bad luck at
play, told me, that fortune would probably be one day weary of persecuting me,
»In the mean time, (said he) here's a letter for you, which I received just now
enclosed in one from Freeman.« - I snatched it with eagerness, and knowing the
superscription to be of Narcissa's hand-writing, kissed it with transport, and
having opened it, read
 
        »It is with great difficulty, that I have stolen from the observation of
        those spies who are set over me, this opportunity of telling you, that I
        was suddenly carried away from Bath, by my brother, who was informed of
        our correspondence by Lord Quiverwit, whom, I since understand, you have
        wounded in a duel on my account. - As I am fully convinced of your
        honour and love, I hope I shall never hear of such desperate proofs of
        either for the future. - I am so strictly watched, that it will be
        impossible for you to see me, until my brother's suspicion shall abate,
        or heaven contrive some other unforeseen event in our behalf. - In the
        mean time, you may depend on the constancy and affection of
Your own
                                                                       NARCISSA.
        P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow prisoner, desires to be remembered
        to you - We are both in good health, and only in pain for you,
        especially, as it will be impracticable for you to convey any message or
        letter to the place of our confinement -- for which reason, pray desist
        from the attempt, that by miscarrying must prolong our captivity.
                                                                           N--.«
 
This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I communicated it to Banter, and
at the same time, showed him her picture: He approved her beauty and good sense,
and could not help owning, that my neglect of Miss Snapper was excusable, when
such a fine creature engrossed my attention.
    I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that if I could contrive
means of subsisting until my uncle should arrive, in case he was not already at
home, that he would enable me to do something effectual in behalf of my love and
fortune -- I therefore consulted Banter about a present supply, who no sooner
understood that I had credit with a tailor, than he advised me to take off two
or three suits of rich clothes and convert them into cash, by selling them at
half price to a salesman in Monmouth-street. - I was a little startled at his
proposal, which I thought savoured a little of fraud; but he rendered it
palatable, by observing, that in a few months, I might be in a condition to do
every body justice; and in the mean time, I was acquitted by the honesty of my
intention - I suffered myself to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my
necessity, rather than my judgment, was convinced; and when I found there were
no accounts of the ship in which my uncle embarked, actually put the scheme in
practice, and raised by it, five and twenty guineas, paying him for his advice
with the odd five.
 

                                  Chapter LXI

I am arrested - carried to the Marshalsea - find my old acquaintance beau
Jackson in that jail - he informs me of his adventures - Strap arrives, and with
difficulty is comforted - Jackson introduces me to a poet - I admire his
conversation and capacity - am deeply affected with my misfortune - Strap hires
himself as a journeyman-barber
 
But this expedient was in a few weeks attended with a consequence I did not
foresee: a player having purchased one of the suits which were exposed to sale,
appeared in it on the stage one night, while my tailor unfortunately happened to
be present. - He knew it immediately, and enquiring minutely into the affair,
discovered my whole contrivance: upon which he came to my lodgings, and telling
me that he was very much straitened for want of money, presented his bill, which
amounted to 50 l. - Surprized at this unexpected address, I affected to treat
him cavalierly, swore some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour, and, telling
him I should take care who I dealt with for the future, bid him come again in
three days. - He obeyed me punctually, demanded his money, and finding himself
amused with bare promises, arrested me that very day in the street. - I was not
much shocked at this adventure, which, indeed, rescued me from a horrible
suspense in which I had lived since his first visit. I refused to go to a
spunging-house, where I had heard there was nothing but the most flagrant
imposition; and a coach being called, I was carried to the Marshalsea, attended
by a bailiff and his follower, who were very much disappointed and chagrined at
my resolution.
    The turnkey guessing, from my appearance, that I had got money in my pocket,
received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone, and gave me to
understand, that I must pay before-hand for the apartment I should choose to
dwell in. - I desired to see his conveniences, and hired a small, paltry
bed-chamber, for a crown a week, which, in any other place, would not have let
at eighteen-pence. - Having taken possession of this dismal habitation, I sent
for Strap, and my thoughts were busied in collecting matter of consolation to
that faithful squire, when somebody knocked at my door, which I no sooner
opened, than a young fellow entered, in very shabby clothes and marvellous foul
linnen. After a low bow, he called me by my name, and asked if I had forgot him.
His voice assisted me in recollecting this person, whom I soon recognized to be
my old acquaintance beau Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of
my memoirs. - I saluted him, expressed my satisfaction at finding him alive, and
condoled with him on his present situation; which, however, did not seem to
affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the occasion of our meeting so
unexpectedly in this place. After our mutual compliments were over, I enquired
about his amour with the lady of fortune, which seem'd to be so near an happy
conclusion when I had the pleasure of seeing him last: and after an immoderate
fit of laughter, he gave me to understand, that he had been egregiously bit in
that affair. - »You must know, (said he) that a few days after our adventure
with the bawd and her b-ches, I found means to be married to that same fine lady
you speak of, and passed the night with her at her lodgings, so much to her
satisfaction, that early in the morning, after a good deal of sniveling and
sobbing, she owned, that so far from being an heiress of a great fortune, she
was no other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me into matrimony,
in order to enjoy the privilege of a femme couverte; and that, unless I made my
escape immediately, I should be arrested for a debt of her contracting, by
bailiffs employed and instructed for that purpose. - Startled at this
intimation, I got up in a twinkling, and taking leave of my spouse with several
hearty damns, got safe into the verge of the court; where I kept snug, until I
was appointed surgeon's mate of a man of war at Portsmouth; for which place I
set out on a Sunday, went on board of my ship, in which I sailed to the Straits,
where I had the good fortune to be made surgeon of a sloop that came home in a
few months after, and was put out of commission: whereupon I came to London,
imagining myself forgotten and freed from my wife and her creditors; but had not
been in town a week before I was arrested for a debt of her's, amounting to 20
l. and brought to this place, where I have been fixed by another action since
that time. - However, you know my disposition; I defy care and anxiety; and
being on the half-pay list, make shift to live here tolerably easy.« - I
congratulated him on his philosophy, and remembering that I was in his debt,
repay'd the money he formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being
unseasonable. I then enquired about the economy of the place, which he
explained to my satisfaction; and after we had agreed to mess together, he was
just going to give orders for dinner when Strap arrived.
    I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any countenance,
as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed, particularly adapted by
nature for such impressions. - Being left by ourselves, I communicated to him my
disaster, and endeavoured to console him with the same arguments he had formerly
used to me, withal representing the fair chance I had of being relieved, in a
short time, by Mr. Bowling. - But his grief was unutterable; he seemed to give
attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; so that I was in a
fair way of being infected with his behaviour, when Jackson returned, and
perceiving the deference I payed to Strap, altho' in a footman's habit,
distributed his crumbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity and unconcern, that
the features of the distressed squire relaxed by degrees, he recovered the use
of speech, and begun to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable event. -
We dined together on boiled beef and greens, brought from a cook's shop in the
neighbourhood: and altho' this meal was served up in a manner little
corresponding with the sphere of life in which I had lately lived, I made a
virtue of necessity, eat with good appetite, and treated my friends with a
bottle of wine, which had the desired effect, of increasing the good humour of
my fellow-prisoner, and exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now talked of my
misfortune en Cavalier.
    After dinner Jackson left us to our private affairs; when I desired my
friend to pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap lodging he should
choose for himself in the neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he had
discharged my lodging, for which I gave him money. - I likewise recommended to
him the keeping my misfortune secret, and saying to my landlord, or any other
who should enquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few weeks: at
the same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call every second day upon
Banter, in case he should receive any letters for me from Narcissa, by the canal
of Freeman; and by all means to leave a direction for himself, at my uncle's
lodgings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my kinsman should arrive.
    When he departed to execute these orders, (which, by the bye, were
punctually perform'd that very night) I found myself so little seasoned to my
situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought shelter from it in the company
of the beau, who, promising to regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me
to the common side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assembled
together. - We had not been here many minutes, when a figure appeared, wrapp'd
in a dirty rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of list, of different
colours, knotted together; having a black bushy beard, and his head covered with
a huge mass of brown periwig, which seemed to have been ravished from the crown
of some scare crow. - This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity, made a
profound bow to the audience, who signified their approbation by a general
response of »How d'ye do, doctor?« He then turned towards us, and honoured
Jackson with a particular salutation: upon which my friend, in a formal manner,
introduced him to me, by the name of Mr. Melopoyn. - This ceremony being over,
he advanced into the middle of the congregation, which crowded around him, and
hemming three times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced with great
significance of voice and gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon
the difference between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt
quotations from the best authors, ancient as well as modern. When he had
finished his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to the
spectators; not one of whom (I was informed) understood so much as a sentence of
what he uttered. They manifested, however, their admiration and esteem by
voluntary contribution, which, Jackson told me, one week with another, amounted
to eighteen pence. - This moderate stipend, together with some small presents
that he received for making up differences, and deciding causes amongst the
prisoners, just enabled him to breathe and walk about in the grotesque figure I
have described. - I understood also, that he was an excellent poet, and had
composed a tragedy, which was allowed, by every body who had seen it, to be a
performance of great merit; that his learning was infinite, his morals
unexceptionable, and his modesty invincible. - Such a character could not fail
of attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be better acquainted with him,
and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the evening in my apartment. - My
request was granted, he favoured us with his company, and in the course of our
conversation, perceiving that I was not illiterate, and that I had a strong
passion for the Belle Lettres, acquitted himself so well on that subject, that I
expressed a fervent desire of seeing his productions. - In this too he gratified
my inclination: - he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day, and, in
the mean time, entertained me with some detach'd pieces, which gave me a very
advantageous idea of his poetical talent. - Among other things I was
particularly pleased with some elegies, in imitation of Tibullus; one of which I
beg leave to submit to the reader, as a specimen of his complexion and capacity.
 
                                       I.
Where now are all my flatt'ring dreams of joy!
Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest; -
Since first thy beauty fix'd my roving eye,
Heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast!
 
                                      II.
Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call,
With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour;
Lead beauty thro' the mazes of the ball,
Or press her wanton in love's roseate bow'r.
 
                                      III.
For me, no more I'll range th' empurpled mead,
Where shepherds pipe, and virgins dance around;
Nor wander thro' the woodbine's fragrant shade,
To hear the music of the grove resound.
 
                                      IV.
I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall,
Where fancy paints the glimm'ring taper blue,
Where damps hang mould'ring on the ivy'd wall,
And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew:
 
                                       V.
There leagu'd with hopeless anguish and despair,
A-while in silence o'er my fate repine;
Then, with a long farewell to love and care,
To kindred dust my weary limbs consign.
 
                                      VI.
Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear
On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest?
Wilt thou strew flow'rs, applaud my love sincere,
And bid the turf lie light upon my breast!
 
I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seem'd so well
calculated for my own disappointment in love, that I could not help attaching
the idea of Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of forming such melancholy
presages of my passion, that I could not recover my tranquillity; and was fain to
have recourse to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I would
not otherwise have enjoyed. - Whether these impressions invited and introduced a
train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude was all exhausted in the
effort I made against despondence, the first day of my imprisonment, I cannot
determine; but I awake in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted with
such dismal apparitions, that I was ready to despair: - and believe the reader
will own, that I had no great cause to congratulate myself, when I considered my
situation. - I was interrupted in the midst of these gloomy apprehensions by the
arrival of Strap, who contributed not a little to the re-establishment of my
peace, by letting me know that he had hired himself as a journeyman-barber; by
which means he would not only save me a considerable expense, but even make
shift to lay up something for my subsistence after my money should be spent, in
case I should not be relieved before.
 

                                  Chapter LXII

I read Melopoyn's tragedy, and conceive a vast opinion of his genius -- he
recounts his adventures
 
While we eat our breakfast together, I acquainted him with the character and
condition of the poet, who came in with his play at that instant, and imagining
we were engaged about business, could not be prevailed upon to sit; but leaving
his performance, went away. - My friend's tender heart was melted at the sight
of a gentleman and Christian (for he had a great veneration for both these
epithits) in such misery; and assented with great cheerfulness to a proposal I
made of cloathing him with our superfluities; a task with which he charged
himself, and departed immediately to perform it.
    He was no sooner gone, than I locked my door and sat down to the tragedy,
which I read to the end with vast pleasure, not a little amazed at the conduct
of the managers who had rejected it. - The fable, in my opinion was well chosen,
and naturally conducted, the incidents interesting, the characters beautifully
contrasted, strongly marked, and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited
and correct; the unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous
exactness; the opening gradual and engaging; the Peripeteia surprising, and the
catastrophe affecting: in short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and
Horace, and could find nothing in it exceptionable, but a little too much
embellishment in some few places, which objection he removed to my satisfaction,
by a quotation from Aristotle's Poetics, importing, that the least interesting
parts of a poem ought to be raised and dignified by the charms and energy of
diction.
    I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to know the
particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. - At that instant Strap
returned with a bundle of clothes, which I sent with my compliments to Mr.
Melopoyn, as a small token of my regard, and desired the favour of his company
to dinner. - He accepted my present and invitation, and in less than half an
hour made his appearance in a decent dress, which altered his figure very much
to his advantage. - I perceived by his countenance, that his heart was big with
gratitude, and endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments, by asking pardon for
the liberty I had taken; he made no reply, but with an aspect full of admiration
and esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes. -
Affected with these symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation
from this subject, and complimented him on his performance, which I assured him,
afforded me infinite pleasure. - My approbation made him happy; dinner being
served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission for Strap to sit at table
with us, after having informed them, that he was a person to whom I was
extremely obliged; they were kind enough to grant that favour, and we eat
together with great harmony and satisfaction.
    Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard Mr.
Melopoyn had met with from the world; and signified a desire of hearing how he
had been treated by the managers of the playhouses, to whom, I understood from
Jackson, he had offered his tragedy, without success. »There is so little
entertaining in the incidents of my life (said he) that I am sure the recital
will not recompense your attention; but since you discover an inclination to
know them, I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desire.
 
My father, who was a curate in the country, being by the narrowness of his
circumstances, hindred from maintaining me at the university, took the charge of
my education upon himself, and laboured with such industry and concern in the
undertaking, that I had little cause to regret the want of public matters. -
Being at great pains to consult my natural byass, he discovered in me betimes,
an inclination for poetry; upon which he recommended to me an intimate
acquaintance with the classicks, in the cultivation of which, he assisted me
with paternal zeal and uncommon erudition. - When he thought me sufficiently
acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors,
French and Italian as well as English, and laid a particular injunction upon me,
to make myself master of my mother tongue.
    About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work of some
consequence; and with my father's approbation, actually planned the tragedy you
have read; but before I had finished four acts, that indulgent parent died, and
left my mother and me in very indigent circumstances. - A near relation
compassionating our distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable
to a conclusion; and soon after, my mother quitted this life. - When my sorrow
for this melancholy event had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a farmer,
that having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no attachment to detain me
in the country, and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and offer my
play to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of fame as
well as fortune; in which case I should not be unmindful of my friends and
benefactors. - My cousin was ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and
willingly contributed towards the expense of fitting me out for my expedition.
    Accordingly, I took a place in the wagon, and arrived in town, where I
hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugally as possible, until I
should know what I had to expect from the manager, to whom I intended to offer
my play. - For though I looked upon myself as perfectly secure of a good
reception, imagining that a patentee would be as eager to receive, as I to
present my production; I did not know whether or not he might be pre-engaged in
favour of another author, which would certainly retard my success. - On this
consideration too, I determined to be speedy in my application, and even to wait
upon one of the managers, the very next day. For this purpose, I enquired of my
landlord, if he knew where either, or both of them lived; and he being curious
to know my business, and at the same time, appearing to be a very honest
friendly man (a tallow-chandler) I made him acquainted with my design; upon
which he told me, that I went the wrong way to work; that I would not find such
easy access to a manager as I imagined; and that if I delivered my performance
without proper recommendation, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it
should be minded. - Take my advice (said he) and your business is done. - One of
the patentees is a good catholick, as I am, and uses the same father who
confesses me. - I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is an
excellent scholar, and if he shall approve of your play, his recommendation will
go a great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring it on the stage. - I applauded
his expedient, and was introduced to the friar, who having perused the tragedy,
was pleased to signify his approbation, and commended me in particular, for
having avoided all reflections upon religion. - He promised to use all his
influence with his son Supple, in my behalf, and to inform himself that very
day, when it would be proper for me to wait upon him with the piece. - He was
punctual in performing his engagement, and next morning gave me to understand,
that he had mentioned my affair to the manager, and that I had no more to do,
than to go to his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon
which I would find immediate admittance. - I took his advice, put my performance
in my bosom, and having received directions, went immediately to the house of
Mr. Supple, and knocked at the door, that had a wicket in the middle, faced with
a net-work of iron, through which a servant having viewed me some time, demanded
to know my business. - I told him, my business was with Mr. Supple, and that I
came from Mr. O Varnish. - He examined my appearance once more, then went away,
returned in a few minutes, and said his master was busy and could not be seen. -
Although I was a little mortified at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my
reception was owing to Mr. Supple's ignorance of my errand; and that I might
meet with no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. O Varnish to be
my introductor the next time. - He complied with my request, and obtained
immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with the utmost civility,
and promised to read my play with the first convenience. - By his own
appointment I called again in a fortnight, but he was gone out; I returned in a
week after, and the poor gentleman was extremely ill; I renewed my visit in a
fortnight after that, and he assured me, he had been so much fatigued with
business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end; but he would
take the first opportunity; and in the mean time, observed, that what he had yet
seen of it was very entertaining. - I comforted myself with this declaration a
few weeks longer, at the end of which I appeared again before his wicket, was
let in, and found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber,
than looking at me with a languishing eye, he pronounced, Mr. Melopoyn, I'm
heartily sorry for an accident that has happened during my illness - you must
know, that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript upon the table, in the
dining-room, where I used to read it, carried it into the kitchin, and leaving
it there, a negligent wench of a cook maid, mistaking it for waste-paper, has
expended it all but a few leaves in singeing fouls upon the spit - But I hope
the misfortune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have several copies.
    I protest to you, my good friend Mr. Random, I was extremely shocked at this
information! but the good-natured gentleman seemed to be so much affected with
my misfortune, that I suppressed my concern, and told him, that altho' I had not
another copy, I should be able to retrieve the loss by writing another from my
memory, which was very tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple
was at this assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately, and carefully
revolve and recollect every circumstance, before I pretended to commit it to
paper, that it might be the same individual play that he had perused. -
Encouraged by this injunction, which plainly demonstrated how much he interested
himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance and industry, and in three weeks
produced the exact image of the former, which was conveyed to him by my good
friend, father O Varnish, who let me know next day, that Mr. Supple would revise
it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness with the other, and then
give his final answer. - For this examination I allotted a week; and in full
confidence of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of the
manager, when that term was expired. - But alas! the season had splipped away
insensibly; he convinced me, that if my play had been put into rehearsal at that
time, it could not have been ready for performing, until the end of March, when
the benefit nights come on; consequently it would have interfered with the
interest of the players, whom it was not my business to disoblige.
    I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which to be sure were extremely
just; and to reserve my performance to the next season, when he hoped I would
not be so unlucky. - Although it was a grievous disappointment to me, who by
this time, began to want both money and necessaries; having, on the strength of
my expectation from the theatre, launched out into some extravagancies, by which
the sum I brought to town was already almost consumed. - Indeed, I ought to be
ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct: For my finances were sufficient,
with good economy, to have maintained me comfortably a whole year. - You will
perhaps be amazed when I tell you, that in six months, I expended not a farthing
less than ten guineas: But when one considers the temptations to which a young
man is exposed in this great city, especially if he is addicted to pleasure as I
am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate. - Nor was the cause of my concern
limited to my own situation entirely: I had wrote an account of my good
reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired him to depend upon me for the
money he had kindly accommodated me with, about the end of February: which
promise I now found myself unable to perform. - However, there was no remedy but
patience: I applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man, candidly
owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some plan for my
subsistence. - He readily promised to consult his confessor on this subject, and
in the mean time, told me, I was welcome to lodge and board with him, until
fortune should put in it my power to make restitution.
    Mr. O Varnish being informed of my necessity, offered to introduce me to the
author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would employ me in that way,
provided he should find me duly qualified; but upon enquiry, I understood, that
this journal was calculated to foment divisions in the commonwealth, and
therefore I desired to be excused from engaging in it. - He then proposed that I
should write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a
bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and perhaps establish my own
character into the bargain; this event would infallibly procure friends; and my
tragedy would appear next season to the best advantage, by being supported both
by interest and reputation. - I was charmed with this prospect, and having heard
what friends Mr. Pope acquired by his pastorals, set about a work of that kind,
and in less than six weeks, composed as many ecclogues, which I forthwith
offered to an eminent bookseller, who desired I would leave them for his
perusal, and he would give me an answer in two days. - At the end of that time,
I went to him, when he returned the poems, telling me, they would not answer his
purpose, and sweetned his refusal, by saying there were some good clever lines
in them. - Not a little dejected at his rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. O
Varnish, was owing to the opinion of another author, whom this bookseller always
consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the same
profession, who told me, that the town was cloyed with pastorals, and advised
me, if I intended to profit by my talents, to write something satirical or
luscious, such as the Button Hole, Shocky and Towzer, the Leaky Vessel, etc. -
and yet this was a man in years, who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a
senator, and went regularly to church. - Be that as it will, I scorned to
prostitute my pen in the manner he proposed, and carried my papers to a third,
who assured me, that poetry was entirely out of his way; and asked, if I had got
never a piece of secret history, thrown into a series of letters, or a volume of
adventures, such as those of Robinson Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, or a collection
of conundrums, where-with to entertain the plantations. - Being quite
unfurnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another with as little success,
and I verily believe was rejected by the whole trade.
    I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and accordingly
repaired to a person, who was said to entertain numbers of that class in his
pay; he assured me, he had already a great deal of that work on his hands, which
he did not know what to do with; observed that translation was a meer drug, that
branch of literature being overstocked by an inundation of authors from
North-Britain; and asked what I would expect per sheet, for rendering the Latin
classicks into English. - That I might not make myself too cheap, I determined
to set a high price upon my qualifications, and demanded a guinea for every
translated sheet. - A guinea! (cried he, staring at me) then paused a little,
and said; he had no occasion for my service at present. - I found my error, and
resolving to make amends, fell one half in my demand; upon which he stared at me
again, and told me his hands were full. - I attempted others, without finding
employment, and was actually reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, when I
bethought myself of offering my talents to the printers of halfpenny ballads,
and other such occasional essays as are hawked about the streets. - With this
view, I applied to one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who
directed me to a person whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of them with
gin, bread and cheese; he carried me into a little back parlour, very neatly
furnished, where I signified my desire of being enrolled among his writers; and
was asked, what kind of composition I professed? - Understanding that my
inclination leaned towards poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me,
one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other
was become dozed with drinking drams; so that he had not done any thing
tolerable these many weeks. - When I proposed, that we should enter into terms
of agreement, he gave me to understand, that his bargains were always
conditional, and his authors paid in proportion to the sale of their works.
    Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure you) were not
very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a ballad, which was to be
finished in two hours; and I retired to my garret in order to perform his
injunction. - As the theme happened to suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort
of an ode, within the time prescribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of
profit and applause. He read it in a twinkling, and to my utter astonishment,
told me, it would not do; though indeed, he owned I wrote a good hand, and
spelled very well, but my language was too high flown, and of consequence not at
all adapted to the capacity and taste of his customers. - I promised to rectify
that mistake, and in half an hour humbled my stile to the comprehension of
vulgar readers; he approved of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of
succeeding in time, though he observed, that my performance was very deficient
in that quaintness of expression that pleases the multitude: However, to
encourage me, he ventured the expense of printing and paper, and, if I remember
a-right, my share of the sale amounted to four pence halfpenny.
    From that day, I studied the Grub-street manner with great diligence, and at
length became such a proficient, that my works were in great request among the
most polite of the chairmen, draymen, hackney-coachmen, footmen and serving
maids: Nay, I have enjoyed the pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with
cuts, pasted upon the wall as ornaments in beer-cellars and cobler's stalls; and
have actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen. - But empty
praise (you know, my dear friend) will not supply the cravings of nature. - I
found myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my fame; for of ten songs
I composed, it was well if two had the good fortune to please. - For this reason
I turned my thoughts to prose, and during a tract of gloomy weather, published
an apparition, on the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably a whole
month: I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often afforded me
great satisfaction; but a murder, well-timed, was my never-failing resource.
What then? I was a most miserable slave to my employers, who expected to be
furnished at a minute's warning with prose and verse, just as they thought the
circumstances of the times required, whether the inclination was absent or
present. Upon my sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and
besieged by these children of clamour, that my life became a burden to me.
 

                                 Chapter LXIII

                        The continuation and conclusion
                            of Mr. Melopoyn's story
 
I made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the beginning of next
winter, when I renewed my addresses to my friend Mr. Supple, and was most
graciously received. - I have been thinking of your affair Mr. Melopoyn, (said
he) and am determined to show how far I have your interest at heart, by
introducing you to a young nobleman of my acquaintance, who is remarkable for
his fine taste in dramatic writings, and is, beside, a man of such influence,
that if once he should approve your play, his patronage will support it against
all the efforts of envy and ignorance: For I do assure you, that merit alone
will not bring success. - I have already spoken of your performance to Lord
Rattle, and if you will call at my house, in a day or two, you shall have a
letter of introduction to his lordship. - I was sensibly touched with this mark
of Mr. Supple's friendship, and looking upon my affair as already done, went
home and imparted my good fortune to my landlord, who, to render my appearance
more acceptable to my patron, procured a suit of new clothes for me on his own
credit.
    Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my tragedy to his
lordship's lodgings, and sent it up along with Mr. Supple's letter, by one of
his servants, who desired me, by his lord's order, to return in a week. - I did
so, and was admitted to his lordship, who received me very courteously, told me
he had perused my play, which he thought, on the whole, was the best coup
d'essai he had ever seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin,
which he imagined might be altered for the better. - I was transported with this
reception, and promised (with many acknowledgments of his lordship's generosity)
to be governed solely by his advice and direction. - Well then (said he) write
another fair copy with the alterations I have proposed, and bring it to me as
soon as possible, for I am resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter.
- You may be sure I set about this task with alacrity, and although I found his
lordship's remarks much more numerous, and of less importance than I expected, I
thought it was not my interest to dispute upon trifles with my patron; therefore
new-modelled it according to his desire, in less than a month.
    When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the actors at
breakfast with his lordship, who immediately introduced him to my acquaintance,
and desired him to read a scene of my play. - This he performed very much to my
satisfaction, with regard to emphasis and pronounciation; but he signified his
disgust at several words in every page, which I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle
told me, with a peremptory look, I must not pretend to dispute with him, who had
been a player these twenty years, and understood the economy of the stage
better than any man living. I was forced to submit, and his lordship proposed
the same actor should read the whole play, in the evening, before some gentlemen
of his acquaintance, whom he would convene at his lodgings for that purpose.
    I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear friend, I never
underwent such a severe trial in the whole course of my life, as at that
juncture! for although the player might be a very honest man and a good
performer, he was excessively illiterate and assuming, and made a thousand
frivolous objections, which I was not permitted to answer: However, the piece
was very much applauded on the whole; the gentlemen present, who I understood
were men of fortune, promised to countenance and support it as much as they
could; and Lord Rattle assuring me, that he would act the part of a careful
nurse to it, desired me to carry it home and alter it immediately according to
their remarks: -- I was fain to acquiesce in his determination, and fulfilled
his injunctions with all the expedition in my power; but before I could present
the new copy, my good friend Mr. Supple had disposed of his property and patent
to one Mr. Brayer; so that fresh interest was to be made with the new manager. -
This task Lord Rattle undertook, having some acquaintance with him, and
recommended my performance so strongly, that it was received.
    I looked upon myself now, as upon the eve of reaping the fruits of all my
labour: I waited a few days in expectation of its being put into rehearsal, and
wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy patron, who excused Mr. Brayer on
account of the multiplicity of business in which he was involved; and bid me
beware of teizing the patentee. - I treasured up this caution, and exerted my
patience three weeks longer; at the end of which, his lordship gave me to
understand that Mr. Brayer had read my play, and owned it had undubitable merit;
but as he had long been pre-engaged to another author, he could not possibly
represent it that season; though if I would reserve it for the next, and in the
interim make such alterations as he had proposed by observations on the margin,
I might depend upon his compliance.
    Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes, utter
one syllable: At length, however, I complained bitterly of the manager's
insincerity in amusing me so long, when he knew from the beginning, that he
could not gratify my desire. - But his lordship reprimanded me for my freedom,
said Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and imputed his behaviour with respect to
me, to nothing else but forgetfulness. - And indeed I have had some reason since
that time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances, I
will not allow myself to interpret his conduct any other way. - Lord Rattle
observing me very much affected with my disappointment, offered his interest to
bring on my play at the other house, which I eagerly accepting, he forthwith
wrote a letter of recommendation to Mr. Bellower, actor, and prime minister to
Mr. Vandal, proprietor of that theatre; and desired me to deliver it with my
tragedy, without loss of time. - Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where
after having waited a whole hour in a lobby, I was admitted to his presence, and
my performance received with great state. - He told me he was extremely busy at
present, but he would peruse it as soon as possible; and bid me call again in a
week. I took my leave, not a little astonished at the pert and supercilious
behaviour of this stage-player, who had not treated me with good manners; and
began to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired since the days of
Euripides and Sophocles, but all this was nothing in comparison of what I have
since observed.
    Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told that Mr.
Bellower was engaged, and could not see me. - I repeated my visit a few days
after, and having waited a considerable time, was favoured with an audience,
during which, he said, he had not as yet read my play. - Nettled at this usage,
I could contain myself no longer, but telling him, I imagined he would have paid
more deference to Lord Rattle'd recommendation, demanded my manuscript with some
expressions of resentment. - Ay, (said he, in a theatrical tone) with all my
heart. - Then pulling out a drawer of the bureau at which he sat, he took out a
bundle, and threw it upon a table that was near him, pronouncing the word There,
with great disdain. - I took it up, and perceiving with some surprise, that it
was a comedy, told him, it did not belong to me; upon which he offered me
another, which I also disclaimed - A third was produced, and rejected for the
same reason. At length, he pulled out a whole handful, and spread them before
me, saying, There are seven - take which you please - or take them all. - I
singled out my own, and went away, struck dumb with admiration at what I had
seen - not so much on account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays,
which from this circumstance, I concluded were yearly offered to the stage. -
You may be sure I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron, who did not
receive it with all the indignation I expected; but taxed me with precipitation,
and told me, I must lay my account with bearing the humours of the players, if I
intended to write for the stage. - There is now no other remedy (said he) but to
keep it till the next season for Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your leisure, in
the summer, according to his directions - I was now reduced to a terrible
alternative, either to quit all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had all along
promised myself a large share of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight
long months of adversity in preparing for, and expecting its appearance. - This
last pennance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my reflection at that
time, and therefore I resolved to undergo it.
    Why should I tire you with particulars of no consequence? I wrestled with
extreme poverty, until the time of my probation was expired; and went to my Lord
Rattle in order to remind him of my affair, when I understood, to my great
concern, that his lordship was on the point of going abroad, and, which was
still more unfortunate for me, Mr. Brayer had gone into the country; so that my
generous patron had it not in his power to introduce me personally, as he
intended: However, he wrote a very strong letter to the manager in my favour,
and put him in mind of the promise he had made in behalf of my play.
    As soon as I was certified of Brayer's return, I went to his house with this
letter, but was told he was gone out. - I called again next day early in the
morning, received the same answer, and was desired to leave my name and
business; I did so, and returned the day after, when the servant still affirmed
that his master was gone abroad; though I perceived him, as I retired, observing
me through a window. - Incensed at this discovery, I went to a coffee-house hard
by, and enclosing his lordship's letter in one from myself, demanding a
categorical answer, I sent it to his house by a porter, who returned in a few
minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer would be glad to see me at that instant. - I
obeyed the summons, and was received with such profusion of compliments and
apologies, that my resentment immediately subsided, and I was even in pain for
the concern which this honest man showed at the mistake of his servant, who, it
seems, had been ordered to deny him to every body but me. - He expressed the
utmost veneration for his good and noble friend Lord Rattle, whom he should
always be proud to serve; promised to peruse the play with all dispatch, and
give me a meeting upon it; and as a testimony of his esteem, made me a present
of a general order for the season, by which I would be admitted to any part of
the theatre. - This was a very agreeable compliment to me, whose greatest
pleasure consisted in seeing dramatic performances, and you need not doubt that
I often availed myself of my privilege. As I had an opportunity of being behind
the scenes when I pleased, I frequently conversed with Mr. Brayer about my play,
and asked when he intended to put it into rehearsal, but he had always so much
business upon his hands, that it remained with him unopened a considerable
while; and I became very uneasy about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw
in the papers, another new play advertised, which had been written, offered,
accepted and rehearsed in the compass of three months, without my knowledge or
suspicion. - You may easily guess how much I was confounded at this event! I own
to you, that in the first transports of my anger, I suspected Mr. Brayer of
having acted towards me in the most pitiful, perfidious manner; and was actually
glad at his disappointment in the success of his favourite piece, which by the
strength of art, lingered till the third night, and then died in a deplorable
manner. But now that passion has no share in my reflection, I am willing to
ascribe his behaviour to his want of memory or want of judgment, which, you
know, are natural defects, that are more worthy of compassion than reproach.
    About this time, I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman, who having
heard of my tragedy, told me, she was acquainted with the wife of a gentleman,
who was very well known to a lady, who had great interest with a person who was
intimate with Earl Sheerwit, and that if I pleased, she would use her influence
in my behalf. - As this nobleman had the character of a Mæcena in the nation,
and could stamp a value upon any work by his sole countenance and approbation, I
accepted her offer with eagerness, in full confidence of seeing my reputation
established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very short time, provided that I
should have the good fortune to please his Lordship's taste. I withdrew the
manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the care of this
gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually in my interest, that in less than a
month it was conveyed to the Earl, and in a few weeks after, I had the
satisfaction to hear, that he had read, and approved it very much. Transported
with this piece of intelligence, I flattered myself with the hopes of his
interesting himself in its favour; but hearing no more of the matter in three
whole months, I began (God forgive me) to suspect the veracity of the person who
brought me the good tidings, for I thought it impossible, that a man of his rank
and character, who knew the difficulty of writing a good tragedy, and understood
the dignity of the work, should read and applaud an essay of this kind, without
feeling an inclination to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could
raise above dependence. - But it was not long before I found my friends very
much wronged by my opinion.
    You must know, that the civilities I had received from Lord Rattle, and the
desire he manifested to promote the success of my play, encouraged me to write
an account of my bad fortune to his Lordship, who condescended so far as to
desire, by letter, a young Squire of a great estate, with whom he was intimate,
to espouse my cause, and in particular, make me acquainted with one Mr. Marmozet
a celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with astonishing
eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he acted, that the managers durst
not refuse any thing he recommended. The young gentleman whom Lord Rattle had
employed for this purpose, being diffident of his own interest with Mr.
Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his acquaintance, who, at his
sollicitation, was so good as to introduce me to him; and the conversation
turning upon my performance, I was not a little surprised as well as pleased to
hear, that Earl Sheerwit had spoke very much in its praise, and even sent Mr.
Marmozet the copy, with a message expressing a desire that he would act in it
next season - Nor was this favourite actor backward in commending the piece,
which he mentioned with some expressions of regard, that I do not choose to
repeat; assuring me that he would appear in it, provided he should be engaged to
play at all during the ensuing season. In the mean time, he desired I would give
him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he intended to remove next day,
that he might have leisure to consider and point out such alterations as might,
perhaps, be necessary for the jeu de theatre; and took my direction, that he
might communicate by letter, the observations he should make. Trusting to these
assurances and the interest which had been made in my behalf, I hugged myself in
the expectation of seeing it, not only acted, but acted to the greatest
advantage, which I thought could not fail of recompensing me in an ample manner,
for the anxiety and affliction I had undergone. But six weeks being elapsed, I
did not know how to reconcile Mr. Marmozet's silence, with his promise of
writing to me in ten days after he set out for the country; however, I was at
last favoured with a letter, importing that he had made some remarks on my
tragedy, which he would freely impart at meeting, and advising me to put it,
without loss of time, into the hands of that manager, who had the best company:
for he himself was quite uncertain, whether or not he should be engaged that
winter. - I was a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and advised
about it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain indication of Mr. Marmozet's
desire to be rid of his promise: that his pretended uncertainty about acting
next winter, was no other than a scandalous evasion; for to his certain
knowledge, he was already engaged, or at least, in terms with Mr. Vandal; and
that his design was to disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had
purchased of the author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own
advantage. - In short, my dear Sir, this person, who, I must own, is of a very
sanguine complexion, handled the moral character of Mr. Marmozet with such
severity, that I began to suspect him of some particular prejudice, and put
myself upon my guard against his insinuations. - I ought to crave pardon for
this tedious narration of trivial circumstances, which, however interesting they
may be to me, must certainly be very dry and insipid to the ear of one
unconcerned in the affair. - But I understand the meaning of your looks, and
will proceed. - Well, Sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treated me
with uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he proposed to
communicate his remarks, which I confess were more unfavourable than I expected;
but I answered his objections, and, as I thought, brought him over to my
opinion; for, on the whole, he signified the highest approbation of the
performance. - In the course of our dispute, I was not a little surprised to
find this poor gentleman's memory so treacherous as to let him forget what he
had said to me, before he went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit's opinion
of my play, which he now professed himself ignorant of; and I was extremely
mortified at hearing from his own mouth, that his interest with Mr. Vandal was
so very low, as to be insufficient of itself, to bring a new piece upon the
stage. I then begged his advice, and he counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit
for a message in my favour to the manager, who would not presume to refuse any
thing recommended by so great a man; and he was so kind as to promise to second
this message with all his power. - I had immediate recourse to the worthy
gentlewoman my friend already mentioned, who opened the channels of her
conveyance with such expedition, that in few days, I had a promise of the
message, provided I could assure myself of Mr. Vandal's being uningaged to any
other; for his Lordship did not choose to condescend so far, until he should
understand that there was a probability (at least) of succeeding; at the same
time in which I was blessed with this piece of news, I was startled at another,
by the same canal of communication; which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before he
advised me to this application, had informed the Earl, that he had read my play,
and found it altogether unfit for the stage. - Though I could not doubt the
certainty of this intelligence, I believed there was some misapprehension in the
case; and without taking any notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I had
been favoured with; upon which, he testified much joy, and promised to ask Mr.
Vandal the question proposed. - I waited upon him in a day or two, when he gave
me to understand, that Mr. Vandal having professed himself free of all
engagements, he had put my play into his hands, and represented it as a piece
strongly recommended by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured him) would honour him
with a message in its favour; and he desired me to call for an answer at Mr.
Vandal's house, in three days. - I followed his directions, and found the
manager, who, being made acquainted with my business, owned, that Mr. Marmozet
had given him a manuscript play, but denied that he had mentioned Earl
Sheerwit's name. - When I informed him of the circumstances of the affair, he
said, he had no engagement with any author; that he would read my tragedy
forthwith; and did not believe he should venture to reject it in contradiction
to his Lordship's opinion, for which he had the utmost veneration, but put it
into rehearsal without loss of time. - I was so much intoxicated with this
encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct of Mr. Marmozet, and
attended the manager at the time appointed, when, to my infinite confusion! he
pronounced my play improper for the stage, and rejected it accordingly. As soon
as I could recollect myself from the disorder into which this unexpected refusal
had thrown me, I expressed a desire of hearing his objections, which were so
groundless, indistinct and unintelligible, that I persuaded myself he had not at
all perused the piece, but had been prompted by somebody whose lessons he had
not rightly retained. However, I have been since informed, that the poor man's
head, which was not naturally very clear, had been disordered with superstition,
and that he laboured under the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of hell fire
at the same time. - Precipitated in this manner, from the highest pinnacle of
hope, to the abyss of despondence, I was ready to sink under the burden of my
affliction; and in the bitterness of my anguish, could not help entertaining
some doubts of Mr. Marmozet's integrity, when I recollected and compared the
circumstances of his conduct towards me. I was encouraged in this suspicion, by
being told, that my Lord Sheerwit had spoke of his character with great
contempt; and in particular, resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to
that of his Lordship, concerning my tragedy. - While I hesitated between
different opinions of the matter, that friend, who (as told you before) was a
little hotheaded, favoured me with a visit, and having heard a circumstantial
account of the whole affair, could not contain his indignation, but affirmed
without ceremony, that Marmozet was the sole occasion of my disappointment; that
he had acted from first to last with the most perfidious dissimulation, cajoling
with insinuating civilities, while he underhand employed all his art and
influence to prejudice the ignorant manager against my performance; that nothing
could equal his hypocrisy, but his avarice, which ingrossed the faculties of his
soul so much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of the meanest practices to
gratify that sordid appetite; that in consequence of this disposition, he had
prostituted his honour in betraying my inexperience, and in undermining the
interest of another author of established reputation, who had also offered a
tragedy to the stage, which he thought would interfere with the success of the
comedy he had bought, and determined to bring on at all events.
    I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could not
believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against the asseverations
of my friend, by demonstrating the bad policy of such behaviour, which could not
fail of entailing infamy upon the author; and the small temptation that a man of
Mr. Marmozet's figure and success, could have to consult his interest in such a
groveling manner, which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in his
patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection he now
enjoys in such an eminent degree. - He pretended to laugh at my simplicity, and
asked if I knew for which of his virtues he was so much caressed by the people
of fashion. - It is not (said he) for the qualities of his heart, that this
little parasite is invited to the tables of Dukes and Lords, who hire
extraordinary cooks for his entertainment: His avarice they see not, his
ingratitude they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates itself to their humours,
and is of consequence pleasing; but he is chiefly courted for his buffoonery,
and will be admitted into the choicest parties of the quality for his talent of
mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when a poet of the most exquisite genius, is
not able to attract the least regard. - God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should
credit assertions that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and
represent that poor man as the most abject of all beings! No! I looked upon them
as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of which he spoke, did
actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told,
is as much as ever in favour with the Earl; a circumstance that, surely, could
not happen, unless he had vindicated his character to the satisfaction of his
lordship. - Pray forgive this long digression, and give me the hearing a little
longer; for, thank heaven! I am now near the goal.
    Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted, and
bethought myself of choosing some employment, that might afford a sure, though
mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by this time considerably
indebted, and who had laid his account with having his money paid all in a heap,
from the profits of my third night, could not brook his disappointment,
therefore made another effort in my behalf, and by dint of interest, procured a
message from a lady of fashion, to Mr. Brayer, who had always professed a great
veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my play forthwith, and
assuring him that she and all her friends would support it in the performance:
To strengthen my interest, she engaged his best actors in my cause; and in
short, exerted herself so much, that it was again received, and my hopes began
to revive. - But Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much engrossed by business of
vast consequence, though to appearance he had nothing at all to do, that he
could not find time to read it until the season was pretty far advanced; and
read it he must, for notwithstanding his having perused it before, his memory
did not retain one circumstance of the matter.
    At length he favoured it with his attention, and having proposed certain
alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronized it, and promised on his
honour, to bring it on next winter, provided these alterations should be made,
and the copy delivered to him before the end of April. - With an aching heart, I
submitted to these conditions, and performed them accordingly: But fortune owed
me another unforeseen mortification; Mr. Marmozet during the summer, became
joint patentee with Mr. Brayer, so that when I claimed performance of articles,
I was told, he could do nothing without the consent of his partner, who was
pre-engaged to another author.
    My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and
landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects, which they
siezed, turning me out into the street naked, friendless, and forlorn; there I
was arrested at the suit of my tailor, and thrown into this prison, where I have
made shift to live there five weeks on the bounty of my fellow-prisoners, who, I
hope, are not the worse for the instruction and good offices, by which I
manifest my gratitude; but in spite of all their charitable endeavours, my life
was scarce tolerable, until your uncommon benevolence enabled me to enjoy it
with comfort.«
 

                                  Chapter LXIV

I am seized with a deep melancholy, and become a sloven -- I am relieved by my
uncle -- he prevails upon me to engage with his owners, as surgeon of the ship
which he commands -- he makes me a considerable present - entertains Strap as
his steward -- I take my leave of my friends, and go on board -- the ship
arrives at the Downs
 
I shall not make any reflections on this story, in the course of which the
reader must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and milky disposition of
this worthy man, had been duped and abused by a set of scoundrels, who were so
habituated to falsehood and equivocation, that I verily believe, they could not
utter one syllable of truth, though their lives depended upon their sincerity. -
Notwithstanding all I had suffered from the knavery and selfishness of mankind,
I was amazed, and incensed at that base indifference which suffered such
uncommon merit as he possessed, to languish in obscurity, and struggle with all
the miseries of a loathsome jail; - and should have blessed the occasion that
secluded me from such a perfidious world, had not the remembrance of the amiable
Narcissa, preserved my attachment to that society of which she constituted a
part. - The picture of that lovely creature was the constant companion of my
solitude: How often did I contemplate the resemblance of those enchanting
features that first captivated my heart! How often did I weep over those
endearing scenes which her image recalled! and how often did I curse my
perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair original! In vain did my
imagination flatter me with schemes of future happiness; surly reason always
interposed, and in a moment overthrew the unsubstantial fabrick, by chastising
the extravagance of my hope, and representing my unhappy situation in the right
point of view: In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and
engage in the parties of Jackson, at cards, billiards, nine-pins, and fives; a
train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which even the
conversation of Melopoyn could not divert. - I ordered Strap to inquire every
day at Banter's lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my charmer; and
my disappointment considerably augmented my chagrin. - My affectionate valet was
infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without speaking,
uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. - This fellowship increased
our distemper; he became incapable of business, and was discarded by his master;
while I seeing my money melt away, without any certainty of deliverance, and in
short, all my hopes frustrated; grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and
degenerated into such a sloven, that during the space of two months, I was
neither washed, shifted nor shaved; so that my face rendered meagre with
abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed with hair, and my whole
appearance squalid and even frightful; when, one day, Strap brought me notice,
that there was a man below who wanted to speak with me. Roused at this
intelligence, and in full hope of receiving a letter from the dear object of my
love, I run down stairs with the utmost precipitation, and found, to my infinite
surprise, my generous uncle Mr. Bowling! Transported at the sight, I sprung
forward to embrace him. Upon which he started aside with great agility, drew his
hanger, and put himself upon his guard, crying, »Avast, brother, avast! sheer
off - Yo ho! you turnkey, why don't you keep a better look out? here's one of
your crazy prisoners broke from his lashings, I do suppose.« - I could not help
laughing heartily at his mistake, which I soon rectified by my voice, which he
instantly recollected, and shook me by the hand with great affection, testifying
his concern at seeing me in such a miserable condition.
    I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, whom I
introduced to him as one of my best friends, he let me know, that he was just
arrived from the coast of Guinea, after having made a pretty successful voyage,
in which he had acted as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French
privateer; that the captain being killed during the engagement, he had taken the
command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which he fell in with
a merchant ship from Martinico, laden with sugar, indigo, and some silver; and
by virtue of his letter of marque, attacked, took, and brought her safe into
Kinsale in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by which means,
he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour of his
owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a large ship, mounted
with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a very advantageous voyage, which
he was not at liberty to discover - And he assured me, that it was with the
greatest difficulty he had found me, in consequence of a direction left for him
at his lodgings in Wapping.
    I was rejoiced beyond measure, at this account of his good fortune; and, at
his desire, recounted all the adventures that had happened to me since we
parted. - When he understood the particulars of Strap's attachment to me, he
squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised to make a man of him; and giving
me ten guineas for my present occasion, took a direction for the tailor who
arrested me, and went away, in order to discharge the debt, telling me at
parting, that he would soon fetch up all my lee-way with a wet sail.
    I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected me more
than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of incoherent ideas rushed so
impetuously upon my imagination, that my reason could neither separate nor
connect them; when Strap, whose joy had manifested itself in a thousand
fooleries, came into my room with his shaving utensils, and without any previous
intimation, began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the
while. - I started from my reverie, and being too well acquainted with Strap, to
trust myself in his hands while he was under such agitation, desired to be
excused, sent for another barber, and suffered myself to be trimmed. - Having
performed the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my gayest
apparel, waited for the return of my uncle, who was agreeably surprised at my
sudden transformation.
    This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained an order for
my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner; but as I had some reluctance
to part with my friends and fellows in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to
favour us with his company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the
evening at my apartment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine, and the
news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated me, notwithstanding the
loss of my company, which, they were pleased to say, they would severely feel. -
As for Jackson, his misfortune made so little impression on himself, and he was
altogether so loose, indifferent and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity his
situation: But I had conceived a veneration and friendship for the poet, who was
in all respects, an object much more worthy of compassion and regard. - When our
guests withdrew, and my uncle had retired, with an intention to visit me next
morning, I made up a bundle of some linnen, and other necessaries, and bidding
Strap carry them to Mr. Melopoyn's lodging, went thither myself, and pressed it
upon his acceptance with five guineas, which with much difficulty he received,
assuring me at the same time, that he should never have it in his power to make
satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve him any other way, to which he
answered, »You have already done too much,« and unable to contain the emotions
of his soul any longer, burst into tears, and wept aloud. - Moved at the
spectacle, I left him to his repose, and when my uncle returned in the morning,
represented his character in such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was
affected with his distress, and determined to follow my example, in presenting
him with five pieces more: Upon which, that I might save him some confusion, I
advised Mr. Bowling to enclose it in a letter to be delivered by Strap, after we
should be gone.
    This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my acquaintance in
the jail, and just as I was about to step into a hackney-coach at the gate,
Jackson calling me, I returned, and he asked me in a whisper, if I could lend
him a shilling! His demand being so moderate, and in all likelihood, the last he
would make upon me, I splipped a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner
perceived, than he cried, »O Jesus! a guinea!« then laying hold of a button of
my coat, he broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and when his
convulsion was ended, told me, I was an honest fellow, and let me go. - The
coachman was ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings, where, when we arrived,
he entered into a serious discourse with me, on the subject of my situation, and
proposed that I should sail with him in quality of his Surgeon; in which case,
he would put me on a method of getting a fortune in a few years, by my own
industry; and assured me, that I might expect to inherit all that he should die
possessed of, provided I should survive him. - Though I was penetrated with a
sense of his generosity, I was startled at a proposal that offered violence to
my love, and signified my sentiments on that head, which he did not seem to
relish; but observed that love was the fruit of idleness, that when once I
should be employed in business, and my mind engaged in making money, I would be
no more troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-weather
Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, ought to entertain. - I was
piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon as a reproach, and without
giving myself time to deliberate, accepted his offer. - He was overjoyed at my
compliance, carried me immediately to his chief owner, with whom a bargain was
struck, so that I could not retract with honour, should I be never so much
disposed thereto. - That I might not have time to cool, he bid me draw out a
list of medicines for a compliment of five hundred men, adapted to the
distempers of hot climates, and sufficient for a voyage of eighteen months; and
carry it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who would also provide me in two
well-qualified mates. - While I was thus employed, Strap came in, and looked
very blank, when he understood my resolution: However, after a pause of some
minutes, he insisted upon going along with me; and at my desire was made ship's
steward by captain Bowling, who promised to be at the expense of fitting him
out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure.
    When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own
countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments, my uncle
told me, that by his last voyage, he had cleared almost three thousand pounds,
one thousand of which he would immediately make over and put into my hands; that
he would procure for me credit to the value of as much more, in such goods as
would turn to best account in the country to which we were bound; and that
although he looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the remaining part
of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving his independance,
and the power of punishing me, in case I should not make a good use of what he
had already bestowed upon me.
    Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which this
surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that his promises were
instantly performed, and an invoyce of merchandize proper for the voyage
presented to me, that I might purchase the goods, and ship them with all
expedition. - In the midst of this hurry the remembrance of my charming Narcissa
often interposed, and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was
distracted with the thought of being torn from her, perhaps, for ever; and
though the hope of seeing her again, might have supported me under the torments
of separation, I could not reflect upon the anguish she must feel at parting
with me, and the incessant sorrows to which her tender bosom would be exposed
during my absence, without being pierced with the deepest affliction! As my
imagination was daily and nightly upon the rack to invent some method of
mitigating this cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in
the opinion of that gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an expedient,
with which the reader will be made acquainted in due time; and in consequence of
my determination, became less uneasy and disturbed.
    My business being finished, and the ship ready to sail, I resolved to make
my last appearance among my acquaintance at the other end of the town, where I
had not been seen since my imprisonment; and as I had, by the advice of my
uncle, taken off some very rich clothes for sale, I put on the gayest suit in my
possession, and went in a chair to the coffee-house I used to frequent, where I
found my friend Banter so confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that when
I made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, without being
able, for some minutes, to open his lips; - then pulling me aside by the sleeve,
and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted me in this manner: »Random, where the
devil have you been! eh? - What is the meaning of all this finery? - Oho! I
understand you - You are just arrived from the country! what! the roads are
good, eh! - well, Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow! - but take
care, the pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke at last.« So saying, he
pointed to his collar; by which gesture, and the broken hints he had ejaculated,
I found he suspected me of having robbed on the highway; and I laughed very
heartily at his supposition. - Without explaining myself any farther, I told him
he was mistaken in his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the
relation of whom he had frequently heard me speak; and that being to set out
next day upon my travels, I had come thither to take my leave of my friends, and
to receive of him the money he had borrowed from me, which, now that I was going
abroad, I should have occasion for. - He was a little disconcerted at this
demand; but recollecting himself in a moment, swore, in an affected passion,
that I had used him extremely ill, and he would never forgive me, for having, by
this short warning, put it out of his power to free himself of an obligation he
could no longer bear. - I could not help smiling at this pretended delicacy,
which I commended highly, telling him, he needed not be uneasy on that score,
for I would give him a direction to a merchant in the city, with whom I would
leave a discharge for the sum, to be delivered upon payment. - He professed much
joy at this expedient, and with great eagerness asked the person's name and
place of abode, which he forthwith wrote in his pocket-book, assuring me, that
he would not be long in my debt. - This affair, which I knew he would never
after think of, being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my
friends, desiring the favour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when
they honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of treating them in a very
elegant manner, at which they expressed as much admiration as applause. Having
enjoyed ourselves till midnight, I took my leave of them all, being well-nigh
stifled with caresses; and next day I set out with Strap in a post-chaise for
Gravesend, where we went on board, and the wind serving, weighed anchor in less
than twelve hours. - Without meeting with any accident, we got as far as the
Downs, where we were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait for an easterly wind
to carry us out of the Channel.
 

                                  Chapter LXV

I set out for Sussex - consult Mrs. Sagely - atchieve an interview with Narcissa
- return to the ship - we get clear of the Channel - I learn our destination -
we are chaced by a large ship - the company are dismayed, and encouraged by the
captain's speech - our pursuer happens to be an English man of war - we arrive
on the coast of Guinea, purchase 400 Negroes, sail for Paraguay, get safe into
the river of Plate, and sell our cargo to great advantage
 
It was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at London; and asking
leave of the captain, for Strap and me to stay on shore till the wind should
become favourable, my request was granted, because he had orders to remain in
the Downs until he should receive some dispatches from London, which he did not
expect in less than a week. - Having imparted my resolution to my trusty valet,
who (tho' he endeavour'd to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would not
quit me in the enterprise, I hired horses, and set out immediately for that part
of Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was not above thirty miles
distant from Deal where we mounted: - As I was perfectly well acquainted with
the extent of the Squire's estate and influence, I halted within five miles of
his house, where we remained 'till the twilight, at which time we set forward,
and, by the favour of a dark night, gained a copse about half a mile from the
village where Mrs. Sagely lived. - Here we left our horses tied to a tree, and
went directly to the house of my old benefactress, Strap trembling all the way,
and venting ejaculatory petitions to heaven for our safety. Her habitation being
quite solitary, we arrived at the door without being observed, when I ordered my
companion to enter by himself, and in case there should be company with her,
deliver a letter which I had wrote for the purpose, and say that a friend of
hers in London, understanding that he intended to travel this road, had
committed it to his care. - He rapped at the door, to which the good old matron
coming, told him, that being a lone woman, he must excuse her, if she did not
open it, until he had declared his name and business. - He answered, that his
name was unknown to her, and that his business was to deliver a letter, which
(to free her from all manner of apprehension) he would convey to her through the
space between the door and threshold. - This he instantly performed; and she no
sooner read the contents, which specified my being present, than she cried, »If
the person who wrote this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I may be
assured by his voice whether or not I may safely admit him.« - I forthwith
applied my mouth to the key-hole, and pronounced, »Dear mother, you need not be
afraid, it is I, so much indebted to your goodness, who now crave admittance.« -
She knew my voice, and opening the door immediately, received me with a truly
maternal affection, manifesting by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I
should be discovered, for she had been informed of every thing that had happened
between Narcissa and me, from the dear captive's own mouth. - When I explained
the motive of my journey, which was no other than a desire of seeing the object
of my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I might in person convince her
of the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile her to that event, by
describing the advantages that in all probability would attend it, repeat my
vows of eternal constancy, and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace
at parting -- I say, when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told
me, that Narcissa, upon her return from the Bath, had been so strictly watched,
that no body, but one or two of the servants devoted to her brother, was
admitted to her presence; that afterwards she had been a little enlarged, and
was permitted to see company; during which indulgence, she had been several
times at her cottage: but of late she had been betrayed by one of the servants,
who discovered to the squire, that he had once carried a letter from her to the
post-house directed to me; upon which information, she was now more confined
than ever, and that I could have no chance of seeing her, unless I would run the
risk of getting into the garden, where she and her maid were every day allowed
to take the air, and lie hid until I should have an opportunity of speaking to
them - an adventure which would be attended with such danger, that no man in his
right wits would attempt it. - This enterprise, hazardous as it was, I resolved
to perform, in spite of all the arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, chide,
and entreated by turns; and the tears and prayers of Strap, who conjured me on
his knees, to have more regard to myself as well as to him, than to tempt my own
destruction in such a precipitate manner. But I was deaf to every thing, but the
suggestions of my love; and ordering him to return immediately with the horses
to the inn from whence we set out, and wait for my coming in that place, he at
first peremptorily refused to leave me, until I persuaded him, that if our
horses should remain where they were 'till day-light, they would certainly be
discovered, and the whole county alarmed. On this consideration, he took his
leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and weeping, cried, »God knows if
ever I shall see you again.« - My kind landlady finding me obstinate, gave me
her best advice how to behave in the execution of my project; and after having
persuaded me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, and left
me to my repose. - Early in the morning, I got up, and armed with a couple of
loaded pistols and a hanger, went to the back of the Squire's garden, climbed
over the wall, and, according to Mrs. Sagely's direction, concealed myself in a
thicket, hard by an alcove which terminated a walk at a good distance from the
house, which (I was told) my mistress chiefly frequented. - Here I absconded
from five a-clock in the morning to six in the evening, without seeing a human
creature; at last I perceived two women approaching, whom by my throbbing heart
I soon recogniz'd to be the adorable Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the
strongest agitation of soul at the sight; and guessing that they would repose
themselves in the alcove, I stepped into it unperceiv'd, and laid upon the
stone-table a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat in London,
purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I should go abroad. I exposed it in
this manner, as an introduction to my own appearance, which, without some
previous intimation, I was afraid might have an unlucky effect upon the delicate
nerves of my fair enslaver; and then withdrew into the thicket, where I could
hear their discourse, and suit myself to the circumstances of the occasion. - As
they advanced, I observed an air of melancholy in the countenance of Narcissa,
blended with such unspeakable sweetness, that I could scarce refrain from flying
into her arms, and kissing away the pearly drop that stood collected in each
bewitching eye. According to my expectation, she entered the alcove, and
perceiving something on the table, took it up. No sooner did she cast her eye
upon the features, than she startled, crying, »Gracious God!« and the roses
instantly vanished from her cheeks. - Her confidante, alarm'd at this
exclamation, looked at the picture, and, struck with the resemblance, cried, »O
Jesus! the very features of Mr. Random!« Narcissa having recollected herself a
little, said, »Whatever angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my
affliction, I am thankful for the benefit, and will preserve it as the dearest
object of my care.« So saying, she kissed it with surprising ardour, shed a
flood of tears, and then deposited the lifeless image in her lovely bosom.
Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered affection, I was about to throw
myself at her feet, when Miss Williams, whose reflection was less engaged than
that of her mistress, observed, that the picture could not transport itself
hither, and that she could not help thinking I was not far off. - The gentle
Narcissa starting at this conjecture, answered, »Heaven forbid! for although
nothing in the universe could yield me satisfaction equal to that of his
presence for one poor moment, in a proper place, I would rather forfeit his
company - almost for ever, than see him here, where his life would be exposed to
so much danger.« - I could no longer restrain the impulse of my passion, but
breaking from my concealment, stood before her, when she uttered a fearful
shriek, and fainted in the arms of her companion. I flew towards the treasure of
my soul, clasped her in my embrace, and with the warmth of my kisses, brought
her again to life. O! that I were endowed with the expression of a Raphael, the
graces of a Guido, the magick touches of a Titian, that I might represent the
fond concern, the chastened rapture, and ingenuous blush that mingled on her
beauteous face, when she opened her eyes upon me, and pronounced, »O heavens! is
it you!«
    I am afraid I have already encroached upon the reader's patience, with the
particulars of this amour, on which (I own) I cannot help being impertinently
circumstantial. I shall therefore omit the less material passages of this
interview, during which I convinced her reason, tho' I could not appease the sad
presages of her love, with regard to the long voyage, and dangers I must
undergo. - When we had spent an hour (which was all she could spare from the
barbarity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting over our hard fate, and in
repeating our reciprocal vows, Miss Williams reminded us of the necessity there
was for our immediate parting; and sure, lovers never parted with such sorrow
and reluctance as we. But because my words are incapable of doing justice to
this affecting circumstance, I am obliged to draw a veil over it, and observe,
that I returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. Sagely, who was overjoy'd to
hear of my success, and opposed the tumults of my grief with such strength of
reason, that my mind regained in some measure its tranquillity; and that very
night, after having forced upon this good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas,
as a token of my gratitude and esteem, I took my leave of her, set out on foot
for the inn, where my arrival freed honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable
dread.
    We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal, where I
found my uncle in great concern on account of my absence, because he had
received his dispatches, and must have weighed with the first fair wind, whether
I had been on board or not. - Next day, a brisk easterly gale springing up, we
set sail, and in eight and forty hours got clear of the Channel.
    When we were about 200 leagues from the Land's end, the captain taking me
apart into the cabin, told me, that, now he was permitted by his instructions,
he would disclose the intent and destination of our voyage: »The ship, said he,
which has been fitted out at a great expense, is bound for the coast of Guinea,
where we shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust; from thence
we will transport our Negroes to Buenos-Ayres in New-Spain, where (by virtue of
passports obtained from our own court, and that of Madrid) we will dispose of
them and the goods that remain on board for silver, by means of our supercargo,
who is perfectly well acquainted with the coast, the lingo and inhabitants.« -
Being thus let into the secret of our expedition, I borrowed of the supercargo a
Spanish grammar, dictionary, and some other books of the same language, which I
studied with such application, that before we arrived in New-Spain, I could
maintain a conversation with him in that tongue. - Being arrived in the warm
latitudes, I ordered (with the captain's consent) the whole ship's company to be
blooded and purged, myself undergoing the same evacuation, in order to prevent
those dangerous fevers to which northern constitutions are subject in hot
climates; and I have reason to believe that this precaution was not
unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor during our whole passage to the coast.
    One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to windward a
large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she could carry. Upon which,
my uncle ordered the studding-sails to be hoisted, and the ship to be cleared
for engaging; but finding, that (to use the seamen's phrase) we were very much
wronged by the ship which had us in chase, and which by this time had hoisted
French colours, he commanded the studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to
be clewed up, the main-top-sail to be backed, the tompions to be taken out of
the guns, and every man to repair to his quarters. While every body was busied
in the performance of these orders, Strap came upon the quarter-deck, trembling,
and looking aghast, and, with a voice half suppressed by fear, asked if I
thought we were a match for the vessel in pursuit of us. Observing his
consternation, I said, »What! are you afraid, Strap?« »Afraid! (he replied)
n-n-no, what should I be afraid of? I thank God I have a clear conscience; - but
I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I wish you may not have occasion for
another hand to assist you in the cockpit.« - I immediately perceived his drift,
and making the captain acquainted with his situation, desired he might be
stationed below with me and my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusilanimity,
bid me send him down instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship's
company; whereupon I told the poor steward, that I had begg'd him for an
assistant, and desired him to go down and help my mates to get ready the
instruments and dressings. - Notwithstanding the satisfaction he must have felt
at these tidings, he affected a shyness of quitting the upper deck; and said, he
hoped I did not imagine he was afraid to do his duty above board, for he
believed himself as well prepared for death as any man in the ship, no
disparagement to me or the captain. - I was disgusted at this affectation, and
in order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him, he might either go down to the
cockpit, or stay upon deck during the engagement. Alarmed at this indifference,
he replied, »Well, to oblige you, I'll go down, but remember it is more for your
sake than my own.« So saying, he disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting for
an answer. - By this time we could observe two tire of guns in the ship which
pursued us, and which was now but two short miles astern. This discovery had an
evident effect upon the sailors, who did not scruple to say, that we should be
tore to pieces, and blown out of the water, and that if in case any of them
should lose their precious limbs, they must go a-begging for life, for there was
no provision made by the merchants for those poor souls who are maimed in their
service. The captain understanding this backwardness, ordered the crew abaft,
and spoke to them thus; »My lads, I am told you hang an a-se. - I have gone to
sea thirty years, man and boy, and never saw English sailors afraid before. -
Mayhap you think I want to expose you for the lucre of gain. - Whosoever thinks
so, thinks a damned lie, for my whole cargo is insured; so that in case I should
be taken, my loss will not be great. - The enemy is stronger than we to be sure.
- What then? have we not a chance for carrying away one of her masts, and so get
clear of her? - If we find her too hard for us, 'tis but striking at last. - If
any man is hurt in the engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman, to
make them a recompense according to his loss. - So now, you that are lazy,
lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away, and sculk in the hold, and bread-room; and
you that are jolly boys, stand by me, and let us give one broad-side for the
honour of old England.« This eloquent harangue was so well adapted to the
disposition of his hearers, that one and all of them, pulling off their hats,
waved them over their heads, and saluted him with three chears; upon which he
sent his boy for two large case-bottles of brandy, and having treated every man
with a dram, they repaired to their quarters, and waited impatiently for the
word of command. - I must do my uncle the justice to say, that in the whole of
his disposition, he behaved with the utmost intrepidity, conduct and
deliberation. - The enemy being very near, he ordered me to my station, and was
just going to give the word for hoisting the colours, and firing, when the
supposed Frenchman, hauled down his white pennant jack and ensign, hoisted
English ones, and fired a gun a-head of us: This was a joyful event to captain
Bowling, who immediately showed his colours, and fired a gun to leeward: Upon
which the other ship run alongside of him, hailed him, and giving him to know
that she was an English man of war of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his
boat and come on board. - This he performed with the more alacrity, because upon
enquiry, he found that she was commanded by an old mess-mate of his, who was
overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent his barge for the
supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his account. - As this
commander was destined to cruise upon the French, in the latitude of Martinico,
his stem and quarters were adorned with white flowers de lis, and the whole
shell of the ship so much disguised, for a decoy to the enemy, that it was no
wonder my uncle did not know her, although he had sailed on board of her many
years. - We kept company with her four days, during which time the captains were
never asunder, and then parted, our course lying different from hers.
    In less than a fortnight after, we made the land of Guinea, near the mouth
of the river Gambia, and trading along the coast as far to the southward of the
Line as Angola and Bengula, in less than six months disposed of the greatest
part of our cargo, and purchased four hundred Negroes, my adventure having been
laid out chiefly in gold dust.
    Our compliment being made up, we took our departure from Cape Negro, and
arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, having met with nothing remarkable
in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not unlike the jail distemper, which
broke out among our slaves, and carried off a good many of the ship's company;
among whom I lost one of my mates, and poor Strap had well nigh given up the
ghost. - Having produced our passport to the Spanish governor, we were received
with great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days, and could have put off
five times the number at our own price; being obliged to smuggle the rest of our
merchandize, consisting of European bale goods, which however we made shift to
dispose of at a great advantage.
 

                                  Chapter LXVI

I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we meet with an English
gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery -- we leave Buenos Ayres, and
arrive at Jamaica
 
Our ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of Negroes, to whom indeed I
had been a miserable slave, since our leaving the coast of Guinea, I began to
enjoy myself, and breathe with pleasure the pure air of Paraguay, this part of
which is reckoned the Montpelier of South America, and has obtained, on account
of its climate, the name of Buenos Ayres. - It was in this delicious place, that
I gave myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear Narcissa, whose image still
kept full possession of my breast, and whose charms, enhanced by absence,
appeared to my imagination, if possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated
the profits of my voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved to
purchase a handsome sine-cure upon my arrival in England, and if I should find
the Squire as averse to me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; and in case our
family should increase, rely upon the generosity of my uncle, who was by this
time worth a considerable sum.
    While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and the transporting
hopes of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much caressed by the Spanish gentlemen,
who frequently formed parties of pleasure for our entertainment, in which we
made excursions a good way into the country. Among those who signalized
themselves by their civility to us, there was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very
polite young gentleman, with whom I had contracted an intimate friendship, who
invited us one day to his country-house, and as a further inducement to our
compliance, promised to procure for us the company of an English signor, who had
been settled in these parts many years, and acquired the love and esteem of the
whole province by his affability, good sense, and honourable behaviour.
    We accepted his invitation, and set out for his Villa, where we had not been
longer than an hour, when the person arrived, in whose favour I had been so much
prepossessed. - He was a tall man, remarkably well shaped, of a fine mein and
appearance commanding respect, and seemed to be turned of forty; the features of
his face were saddened with a reserve and gravity, which in other countries
would have been thought the effect of melancholy; but here, appeared to have
been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are remarkable for that
severity of countenance: Understanding from Don Antonio, that we were his
countrymen, he saluted us all round very complaisantly, and fixing his eyes
attentively on me, uttered a deep sigh. - I had been struck with a profound
veneration for him at his first coming into the room; and no sooner observed
this expression of his sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular manner to
me, than my heart took part in his grief, I sympathized involuntarily, and
sighed in my turn. - Having asked leave of our entertainer, he accosted us in
English, professed his satisfaction at seeing so many of his countrymen in such
a remote place, and asked the captain, who went by the name of Signor Thoma,
from what part of Britain he sailed, and whither he was bound. - My uncle told
him that we had sailed from the river Thames, and were bound for the same place,
by the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of sugar.
    Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the state of
the war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing desire to revisit his
native country, in consequence of which, he had already transmitted to Europe
the greatest part of his fortune in neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark
the rest of it, with himself, in our ship, provided the captain had no objection
to such a passenger. - My uncle very prudently replied, that for his part, he
should be glad of his company, if he could procure the consent of the governor,
without which he durst not admit him on board, whatever inclination he had to
oblige him. - The gentleman approved of his discretion, and telling him, that
there would be no difficulty in obtaining the connivance of the governor, who
was his good friend, shifted the conversation to another subject.
    I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already interested myself so much
in his favour, that had he been disappointed, I should have been very unhappy:
In the course of our entertainment, he eyed me with uncommon attachment; I felt
a surprising attraction towards him; when he spoke, I listened with attention
and reverence; the dignity of his deportment filled me with affection and awe;
and in short, the emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger, were strong
and unaccountable.
    Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave, telling
captain Thoma, that he would hear from him in a short time: He was no sooner
gone, than I asked a thousand questions about him, of Don Antonio, who could
give me no other satisfaction, than that his name was Don Rodriguez, that he had
lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts, was reputed rich, and supposed to
have been unfortunate in his younger years, because he was observed to nourish a
pensive melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement among them; but
that no body had ventured to enquire into the cause of his sorrow, in
consideration of his peace, which might suffer in the recapitulation of his
misfortunes.
    I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars of his
fate, and enjoyed not one hour of repose during the whole night, by reason of
the eager conceptions that inspired me, with regard to his story, which I
resolved (if possible) to learn. - Next morning, while we were at breakfast,
three mules richly caparisoned arrived, with a message from Don Rodriguez,
desiring our company, and that of Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated
about ten miles further up in the country. - I was pleased with this invitation,
in consequence of which we mounted the mules which he had provided for us, and
alighted at his house before noon. - Here we were splendidly entertained by the
generous stranger, who still seemed to show a particular regard for me, and
after dinner, made me a present of a ring set with a beautiful amethyst, the
production of that country, saying at the same time, that he was once blessed
with a son, who, had he lived, would have been nearly of my age. This
observation, delivered with a profound sigh, made my heart throb with violence;
a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon my imagination, which, while I endeavoured
to unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of thought, and tapping me on the
shoulder, said, »Oons! are you asleep, Rory!« Before I had time to reply, Don
Rodriguez, with an uncommon eagerness of voice and look, pronounced, »Pray,
captain, what is the young gentleman's name?« - »His name (said my uncle) is
Roderick Random.« - »Gracious Powers!« (cried the stranger, starting up) - »And
his mother's« - »His mother (answered the captain, amazed) was called Charlotte
Bowling.« - »O bounteous heaven! (exclaimed Don Rodriguez, springing across the
table, and clasping me in his arms) my son! my son! have I found thee again? do
I hold thee in my embrace, after having lost and despaired of seeing thee, so
long?« So saying, he fell upon my neck and wept aloud with joy; while the power
of nature operating strongly in my breast, I was lost in rapture, and while he
pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower of tears into his bosom. - His
utterance was choaked up a good while, by the agitation of his soul; at length
he broke out into »Mysterious Providence! - O my dear Charlotte! there yet
remains a pledge of our love! and such a pledge! - so found! - O infinite
goodness! let me adore thy all-wise decrees!« Having thus expressed himself, he
kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to heaven, and remained
some minutes in a silent exstacy of devotion: I put myself in the same posture,
adored the all good Disposer in a prayer of mental thanksgiving; and when his
ejaculation was ended, did homage to my father, and craved his parental
blessing. He hugged me again with unutterable fondness, and having implored the
protection of heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and presented me
as his son to the company, who wept in concert over this affecting scene. -
Among the rest my uncle did not fail of discovering the goodness and joy of his
heart, albeit unused to the melting mood; he blubbered with great tenderness,
and wringing my father's hand, cry'd, »Brother Random, I'm rejoiced to see you -
God be praised for this happy meeting.« - Don Rodriguez, understanding that he
was his brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately, saying, »Are you my
Charlotte's brother? - alas! unhappy Charlotte! - but why should I repine? we
shall meet again, never more to part! - Brother, you are truly welcome - Dear
son, I am transported with unspeakable joy! - This day is a jubilee - my friends
and servants shall share my satisfaction.«
    While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, to
announce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment, I was so much
affected with the tumults of passion, which assailed me on this great, sudden,
and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, fevered, and in less than three
hours, became quite delirious; so that the preparations were countermanded, and
the joy of the family converted into grief and despair. - Physicians were
instantly called, I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower extremities
were bathed in a decoction of salutiferous herbs; in ten hours after I was taken
ill, I enjoyed a critical sweat, and next day, felt no remains of the distemper,
but an agreeable lassitude, which did not hinder me from getting up. - During
the progress of this fever, which, from the term of its duration, is called
Ephemera, my father never once quitted my bed-side, but administred the
prescriptions of the physicians with the most pious care; while Captain Bowling
manifested his concern by the like attendance. - I no sooner found myself
delivered from the disease, than I bethought myself of my honest friend Strap;
and resolving to make him happy forthwith, in the knowledge of my good fortune,
told my father, in general, that I had been infinitely obliged to this faithful
adherent; and begged he would indulge me so far as to send for him, without
letting him know my happiness, until he could receive an account of it from my
own mouth.
    My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with a spare mule
detached to the ship, carrying orders from the captain to the mate to send the
steward by the bearer. - My health being, in the mean time, re-established, and
my mind composed, I began to relish this important turn of my fortune, in
reflecting upon the advantages with which it must be attended; and as the idea
of my lovely Narcissa always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could
imagine, I entertained myself now, with the prospect of possessing her in that
distinguished sphere, to which she was entitled by her birth and qualifications.
- Having often mentioned her name while I was deprived of my senses, my father
guessed that there was an intimate connexion between us, and discovering the
picture which hung in my bosom by a ribbon, did not doubt that it was the
resemblance of my amiable mistress: In this belief he was confirmed by my uncle,
who told him that it was the picture of a young woman to whom I was under
promise of marriage. - Alarmed at this piece of information, Don Rodriguez took
the first opportunity of questioning me about the circumstances of this affair,
which when I had candidly recounted, he approved of my passion, and promised to
contribute all in his power towards its success: though I never doubted his
generosity, I was transported on this occasion, and throwing myself at his feet,
told him, he had now completed my happiness; for without the possession of
Narcissa, I should be miserable among all the pleasures of life. - He raised me
with a smile of paternal fondness; said, he knew what it was to be in love; and
observed, that if he had been as tenderly beloved by his father, as I was by
mine, he would not now, perhaps, have cause -- Here he was interrupted by a
sigh, the tear stood collected in his eye, he suppressed the dictates of his
grief, and the time being opportune, desired me to relate the passages of my
life, which my uncle had told him were manifold and surprising. - I recounted
the most material circumstances of my fortune, to which he listened with wonder
and attention, manifesting from time to time those different emotions, which my
different situations may be supposed to have raised in a parent's breast; and
when my detail was ended, blessed God for the adversity I had undergone, which,
he said, enlarged the understanding, improved the heart, steeled the
constitution, and qualified a young man for all the duties and enjoyments of
life, much better than any education which affluence could bestow.
    When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination to hear
the particulars of his story, which he gratified, by beginning with his
marriage, and proceeding to the day of his disappearing, as I have related in
the first part of my memoirs, »Careless of life (continued he) and unable to
live in a place where every object recalled the memory of my dear Charlotte,
whom I had lost through the barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of
you, my child, then an infant, with an heart full of unutterable woe, but little
suspecting that my father's unkindness would have descended to my innocent
orphan; and setting out alone, at midnight, for the nearest sea-port, early next
morning got on board a ship, bound, as I had heard, for France, and bargaining
with the master for my passage, bid a long adieu to my native country, and put
to sea with the first fair wind. The place of our destination was Granville, but
we had the misfortune to run upon a ridge of rocks near the island of Alderney
called the Gaskets, where the sea running high, the ship went to pieces, the
boat sunk along-side, and every soul on board perished, except myself, who by
the assistance of a grating, got ashore on the coast of Normandy: I went
directly to Caen, where I was so lucky as to meet with a Count, whom I had
formerly known in my travels: With this gentleman, I set out for Paris, where I
was recommended by him and other friends, as a tutor to a young nobleman, whom I
accompanied to the court of Spain. - There we remained a whole year, at the end
of which my pupil being recalled by his father, I quitted my office and staid
behind, by the advice of a certain Spanish grandee who took me into his
protection, and introduced me to another nobleman, who was afterwards created
Viceroy of Peru. - He insisted on my attending him to his government in the
Indies, where, however, by reason of my religion, it was not in his power to
make my fortune any other way than by encouraging me to trade, which I had not
long prosecuted when my patron died, and I found myself in the midst of
strangers, without one friend to support or protect me; urged by this
consideration, I sold my effects and removed to this country, the governour of
which having been appointed by the Vice-roy, was my intimate acquaintance. -
Here has heaven prospered my endeavours, during a residence of sixteen years, in
which my tranquillity was never invaded, but by the remembrance of your mother,
whose death I have in secret mourned without ceasing; and the reflection of you,
whose fate I could never learn, notwithstanding all my inquiries, by means of my
friends in France, who, after the most strict examination, could give me no
other account, than that you went abroad six years ago, and was never after
heard of. - I could not rest satisfied with this imperfect information, and
though my hope of finding you was but languid, resolved to go in quest of you in
person; for which purpose, I have remitted to Holland the value of twenty
thousand pound, and am in possession of fifteen thousand more, with which I
intended to embark myself on board of captain Bowling, before I discovered this
amazing stroke of providence, which you my be sure has not altered my
intention.«
    My father having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of his life,
withdrew in order to relieve Don Antonio, who in his absence, had done the
honours of his house; and I was just dressed for my appearance among the guests,
when Strap arrived from the ship.
    He no sooner entered the grand apartment, in which I was, and saw the
magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement, and he gaped
in silence at the objects that surrounded him. - I took him by the hand,
observed that I had sent for him to be a witness and sharer of my happiness, and
told him I had found a father. - At these words he started, and after having
continued some minutes with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, »Aha! - odd, I
know what! go thy ways, poor Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else - well -
Lord, what a thing is love? - God help us! are all our mad pranks and
protestations come to this? what! and you have fixed your habitation in this
distant land! God prosper you - I find we must part at last - for I would not
leave my poor carcass so far from my native home, for all the wealth of the
universe!« With these ejaculations, he began to sob and make wry faces; upon
which I assured him of his mistake, both in regard to Narcissa, and my staying
in Paraguay, and informed him as briefly as I could, of the great event which
had happened. - Never was rapture more ludicrously expressed, than in the
behaviour of this worthy creature, who cried, laughed, whistled, sung and
danced, all in a breath; his transport was scarce over, when my father entered,
who no sooner understood that this was Strap, than he took him by the hand,
saying, »Is this the honest man, who befriended you so much in your distress?
you are welcome to my house, and I shall soon put it in the power of my son to
reward you for your good offices in his behalf; in the mean time, go with us and
partake of the repast that is provided.« Strap, wild as he was with joy, would
by no means accept of the profered honour, crying, »God forbid! I know my
distance - your worship shall excuse me.« And Don Rodriguez finding his modesty
invincible, recommended him to his Major Domo, to be treated with the utmost
respect; while he carried me into a large saloon, where I was presented to a
numerous company, who loaded me with compliments and caresses, and congratulated
my father in terms not proper for me to repeat.
    Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let it suffice to
say, it was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and the rejoicing lasted two
days: After which, Don Rodriguez settled his affairs, converted his effects into
silver and gold, visited and took leave of all his friends, who were grieved at
his departure, and honoured me with considerable presents; and coming on board
of my uncle's ship, with the first favourable wind we sailed from the Rio de la
Plata, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the harbour of Kingston in
the island of Jamaica.
 

                                 Chapter LXVII

I visit my old friend Thomson -- we set sail for Europe, meet with an odd
adventure - arrive in England -- I ride across the country from Portsmouth to
Sussex -- converse with Mrs. Sagely, who informs me of Narcissa's being in
London - in consequence of this intelligence, I proceed to Canterbury - meet
with my old friend Morgan -- arrive at London - visit Narcissa -- introduce my
father to her - he is charmed with her good sense and beauty -- we come to a
determination of demanding her brother's consent to our marriage
 
I enquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my generous companion Mr. Thomson;
and hearing that he lived in a flourishing condition, upon the estate left to
him by his wife's father, who had been dead some years, I took horse
immediately, with the consent of Don Rodriguez, who had heard me mention him
with great regard, and in a few hours reached the place of his habitation.
    I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thomson's sentiments, to say barely
he was glad to see me: He felt all that the most sensible and disinterested
friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced me to his wife, a very
amiable young lady, who had already blessed him with two fine children; and
being as yet ignorant of my circumstances, frankly offered me the assistance of
his purse and interest. I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him
acquainted with my situation, on which he congratulated me with great joy, and
after I had staid with him a whole day and night, accompanied me back to
Kingston to wait upon my father, whom he invited to his house: Don Rodriguez
complied with his request, and having been handsomely entertained during the
space of a week, returned extremely well satisfied with the behaviour of my
friend and his lady, to whom at parting, he presented a valuable diamond ring,
as a token of his esteem. During the course of my conversation with Mr. Thomson,
he let me know, that his and my old commander captain Oakhum was dead some
months, and that immediately after his death, a discovery had been made of some
valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a prize, by the
assistance of Dr. Mackshane, who was now actually in prison on that account, and
being destitute of friends, subsisted solely on the charity of my friend, whose
bounty he had implored in the most abject manner, after having been the
barbarous occasion of driving him to that terrible extremity on board of the
Thunder, which we have formerly related. - Whatsoever this wretch might have
been guilty of, I applauded Mr. Thomson's generosity towards him in his
distress, which wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him ten pistoles, in
such a private manner, that he could never know his benefactor.
    While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on shore, captain
Bowling had wrote to his owners, by the packet, which sailed a few days after
our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage hitherto, and desiring them to
ensure his ship and cargo homeward bound; after which he applied himself so
heartily to the loading his ship, that with the assistance of Mr. Thomson, she
was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise procured for Don
Rodriguez, bills upon London for the greatest part of his gold and silver, by
which means it was secured against the risk of the seas and the enemy; and
before we sailed, supplied us with such large quantities of all kinds of stock,
that not only we, but the whole ships company, fared sumptuously during the
voyage.
    Every thing being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers, and
going on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the first day of June. -
We beat up to windward, with fine easy weather; and one night, believing
ourselves near Cape Tiberoon, lay to, with an intention to wood and water next
morning in the bay: While we remained in this situation, a sailor having drank
more new rum than he could carry, staggered over-board, and notwithstanding all
the means that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom and
disappeared. About two hours after this melancholy accident happened, as I
enjoyed a cool air on the quarter-deck, I heard a voice rising, as it were, out
of the sea, and calling, »Ho, the ship, a hoy!« Upon which one of the men upon
the forecastle cried, »I'll be d-n'd, if that an't Jack Marlinspike, who went
over-board!« Not a little surprised at this event, I jumped into the boat that
lay alongside, with the second mate and four men, and rowing towards the place,
from whence the voice (which repeated the hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived
something floating upon the water; when we had rowed a little farther, we
discerned it to be a man riding upon a hencoop, who seeing us approach,
pronounced with a hoarse voice, »D-n your bloods! why did you not answer when I
hailed?« Our mate, who was a veritable seaman, hearing this salute, said, »By
G-d, my lads, this is none of our man - This is the devil - pull away for the
ship.« The fellows obeyed his command, without question, and were already some
fathoms on our return, when I insisted on their taking up the poor creature, and
prevailed upon them to go back to the wreck, which when we came near the second
time, and signified our intention, we received an answer of, »Avast, avast -
what ship, brother?« Being satisfied in this particular, he cried, »D-n the
ship, I was in hopes it had been my own - where are you bound?« We gratified his
curiosity in this too; upon which he suffered himself to be taken on board, and
after being comforted with a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio man of
war, upon a cruize off the island of Hispaniola; that he had fallen over-board
about four and twenty hours ago, and the ship being under sail, they did not
choose to bring to, but tossed a hen-coop over-board for his convenience, upon
which he was in good hopes of reaching the Cape next morning; howsomever, he was
as well content to be aboard us, because he did not doubt that we should meet
his ship; and if he had gone ashore in the bay, he might have been taken
prisoner by the French. - My uncle and father were very much diverted with the
account of this fellow's unconcerned behaviour; and in two days, meeting with
the Vesuvio, as he expected, sent him on board of her according to his desire.
    Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to the
northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks arrived in
soundings, and in two days after made the Lizzard. - It is impossible to express
the joy I felt at sight of English ground! Don Rodriguez was not unmoved, and
Strap shed tears of gladness. - The sailors profited by our satisfaction; the
shoe that was nailed to the mast, being quite filled with our liberality. - My
uncle resolved to run up into the Downs at once, but the wind shifting when we
were a-breast of the isle of Wight, he was obliged to turn in to St. Helens, and
come to an anchor at Spithead, to the great mortification of the crew, thirty of
whom were immediately pressed on board of a man of war.
    My father and I went a shore immediately to Portsmouth, leaving Strap with
the captain to go round with the ship and take care of our effects; and I
discovered so much impatience to see my charming Narcissa, that my father
permitted me to ride across the country to her brother's house; while he should
hire a post-chaise for London, where he would wait for me at a place to which I
directed him.
    Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very night, and in
the morning reached an inn, about three miles from the Squire's habitation; here
I remained till next evening, allaying the torture of my impatience with the
rapturous hope of seeing that divine creature, after an absence of eighteen
months, which so far from impairing, had raised my love to the most exalted
pitch! Neither were my reflections free from apprehension, that sometimes
intervened in spite of all my hope, and represented her as having yielded to the
importunity of her brother, and blessed the arms of an unhappy rival. - My
thoughts were even maddened with the fear of her death; and when I arrived in
the dark at the house of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time courage to desire
admittance, lest my soul should be shocked with dismal tidings. At length,
however, I knocked, and no sooner certified the good gentlewoman of my voice
than she opened the door, and received me with a most affectionate embrace, that
brought tears into her aged eyes: »For heaven's sake! dear mother (cried I) tell
me, how is Narcissa? is she the same that I left her?« She blessed my ears with
saying, »She is as beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever.« -
Transported at this assurance, I begged to know if I could not see her that very
night; when this sage matron gave me to understand that my mistress was in
London, and that things were strangely altered in the Squire's house since my
departure; that he had been married a whole year to Melinda, who at first found
means to wean his attention so much from Narcissa, that he became quite careless
of that lovely sister, comforting himself with the clause in his father's will,
by which she would forfeit her fortune, if she should marry without his consent;
- that my mistress being but indifferently treated by her sister-in-law, had
made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone to town, where she was lodged
with Miss Williams, in expectation of my arrival; and had been pestered with the
addresses of Lord Quiverwit, who finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a
great many shifts, to perswade her that I was dead: but finding all his
artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of gaining her affection, he had consoled
himself for her indifference, by marrying another lady some weeks ago, who had
already left him on account of some family uneasiness. - Besides this
interesting information, she told me, that there was not a great deal of harmony
between Melinda and the Squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of
gallants who continued to hover about her even after marriage, that he hurried
her down into the country much against her inclination, where their mutual
animosities had risen to such a height, that they preserved no decency before
company or servants, but abused one another in the grossest terms.
    This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear
Narcissa's unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last letter she
had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so much honour, tenderness
and concern, that my soul was fired with impatience, and I determined to ride
all night, that I might have it the sooner in my power to make her happy.- Mrs.
Sagely perceiving my eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally divided
between Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments with which
I went abroad, that would not permit me for any selfish gratification to
prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady, who must entirely depend upon
me, after having bestowed herself in marriage. I thanked her for her kind
concern, and as briefly as possible described my flourishing situation, which
afforded this humane person infinite wonder and satisfaction. I told her, that
now I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for the obligations I owed, I
would endeavour to make her old age comfortable and easy; as a step to which, I
proposed she should come and live with Narcissa and me. - This venerable
gentlewoman was so much affected with my words, that the tears run down her
ancient cheeks; she thanked heaven that I had not belied the presages she had
made, on her first acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosity, as she
called it, in the most elegant and pathetick expressions; but declined my
proposal, on account of her attachment to the dear melancholy cottage where she
had so peacefully consumed her solitary widowhood. Finding her immoveable on
this subject, I insisted on her accepting a present of thirty guineas, and took
my leave, resolving to accommodate her with the same sum annually, for the more
comfortable support of the infirmities of age.
    Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the morning, where I
alighted to procure fresh horses; and as I walked into the inn, perceived an
apothecary's shop on the other side of the street, with the name of Morgan over
the door: Alarm'd at this discovery, I could not help thinking that my old
mess-mate had settled in this place; and upon enquiry, found my conjecture true,
and that he was married lately to a widow of that city, by whom he had got three
thousand pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop as soon as it
was open, and found my friend behind the counter, busy in preparing a glyster. I
saluted him at entrance, with »Your servant, Mr. Morgan.« - Upon which he looked
at me, and replying, »Your most humble servant, goot Sir;« rubbed his
ingredients in the mortar, without any emotion. »What! (said I) Morgan, have you
forgot your old mess-mate?« At these words, he looked up again, and starting,
cried, »As Got is my - sure it cannot - yes by my salfation, I pelieve it is my
tear frient Mr. Rantom.« - He was no sooner convinced of my identity, than he
threw down the pestle, overset the mortar, and jumping over the board, swept up
the contents with his clothes, flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, and
daubed me all over with turpentine and the yolks of eggs, which he had been
mixing when I came in. - Our mutual congratulations being over, he told me, that
he found himself a widower upon his return from the West Indies; that he had got
interest to be appointed surgeon of a man of war, in which capacity he had
served some years, until he married an apothecary's widow, with whom he now
enjoyed a pretty good sum of money, peace and quiet, and an indifferent good
trade. - He was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured him I
had not time to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances were very
good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be in such a hurry as at
present. - He insisted however on my staying breakfast, and introduced me to his
wife, who seemed to be a decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years.
In the course of our conversation, he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged
with him at our parting in the West Indies, and was not a little proud to see
that I had preserved his with the same care. When I informed him of Mackshane's
condition, he seem'd at first to exult over his distress; but after a little
recollection, he said, »Well, he has paid for his malice, I forgife him, and may
Got forgife him likewise.« He expressed great concern for the soul of captain
Oakhum, which he believed was now gnashing its teeth: but it was some time
before I could convince him of Thomson's being alive, at whose good fortune
nevertheless he was extremely glad.
    Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bid the honest Welchman
and his spouse farewell, and taking post horses, arrived at London that same
night, where I found my father in good health, to whom I imparted what I had
learned of Narcissa. - This indulgent parent approved of my intention of
marrying her, even without a fortune, provided her brother's consent could not
be obtained; promised to make over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain
her in a fashionable manner, and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable
creature, who had captivated me so much. - As I had not slept the night before,
and was besides fatigued with my journey, I found myself under a necessity of
taking some repose, and went to bed accordingly: next morning about ten a-clock,
I took a chair, and, according to Mrs. Sagely's directions, went to my charmer's
lodgings, and enquired for Miss Williams. - I had not waited in a parlour longer
than a minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me, than
she shrieked and run backward; I got between her and the door, and clasping her
in my arms, brought her to herself by an embrace. »Good heaven (cried she) Mr.
Random is it you indeed! my mistress will run distracted with joy.« - I told
her, it was from an apprehension that my sudden appearance would have some bad
effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in order to
concert some method of acquainting her mistress gradually with my arrival. She
approved of my conduct, and after having yielded to the suggestions of her own
friendship, in asking if my voyage had been successful, charged herself with
that office, and left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the object
of my love. In a very little time I heard some body coming down stairs in haste,
and the voice of my angel pronounce, with an eager tone, »O heaven! is it
possible! where is he?« How were my faculties arroused at this well-known sound!
and how was my soul transported, when she broke in upon my view, in all the
bloom of ripened beauty! Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in every
gesture dignity and love! - You whose souls are susceptible of the most delicate
impressions, whose tender bosoms have felt the affecting vicissitudes of love,
who have suffered an absence of eighteen long months from the dear object of
your hope, and found at your return the melting fair, as kind and constant as
your heart could wish; do me justice on this occasion, and conceive what
unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into one anothers arms!
This was no time for speech, - locked in a mutual embrace, we continued some
minutes in a silent trance of joy! - When I thus encircled all that my soul held
dear, - while I hung over her beauties, - beheld her eyes sparkle, and every
feature flush with virtuous fondness; when I saw her enchanting bosom heave with
undissembled rapture, and knew myself the happy cause - Heavens! what was my
situation! - I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, and to renounce my
pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky expression so poorly describes
the emotions of my soul. O adorable Narcissa! (cried I) O miracle of beauty,
love and truth! I at last fold thee in my arms! I at last can call thee mine! no
jealous brother shall thwart our happiness again; fortune hath at length
recompenced me for all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice to my love. -
The dear creature smiled ineffably charming, and with a look of bewitching
tenderness, said, »And shall we never part again?« »Never! (I replied) thou
wonderous pattern of all earthly perfection! never, until death shall divide us!
by this ambrosial kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the breeze that
sweeps the orange grove, I never more will leave thee!«
    As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly. I was
giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue and philosophy were
scarce sufficient to restrain the inordinate sallies of desire. - Narcissa
perceived the conflict within me, and with her usual dignity of prudence, called
off my imagination from the object in view, and with eager expressions of
interested curiosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage. - In this I
gratified her inclination, bringing my story down to the present hour. She was
infinitely surprised at the circumstances of my finding my father, which brought
tears into her lovely eyes. She was transported at hearing that he approved my
flame, discovered a longing desire of being introduced to him, congratulated
herself and me upon my good fortune, and observed that this great and unexpected
stroke of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate direction of
providence. - Having entertained ourselves some hours with the genuine effusions
of our souls, I obtained her consent to complete my happiness as soon as my
father should judge it proper; and applying with my own hands a valuable
necklace, composed of diamonds and amethysts set alternately, which an old
Spanish lady at Paraguay presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return
in the afternoon with Don Rodriguez. - When I went home, this generous parent
enquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa, to whom that
I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hand a deed, by which I found
myself in possession of fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive of the profits of my
own merchandize, which amounted to three thousand more. - After dinner I
accompanied him to the lodging of my mistress, who being dressed for the
occasion, made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck with her
figure, which I really think was the most beautiful that ever was created under
the sun. He embraced her tenderly, and told her, he was proud of having a son
who had spirit to attempt, and qualifications to engage, the affections of such
a fine lady. - She blushed at this compliment, and with eyes full of the softest
languishment turned upon me, said, she would have been unworthy of Mr. Random's
attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary merit. - I made no other
answer than a low bow. My father sighing, pronounced, »Such once was my
Charlotte!« while the tear rushed into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa
manifested itself in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his
presence, I would have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of our
conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodriguez was as much charmed with
her good-sense as with her appearance; and she was no less pleased with his
understanding and polite address. - It was determined that he should write to
the Squire signifying his approbation of my passion for his sister, and offering
a settlement which he should have no reason to reject; and that, if he should
refuse the proposal, we would crown our mutual wishes without any farther regard
to his will.
 

                                 Chapter LXVIII

My father makes a present to Narcissa - the letter is dispatched to her brother
- I appear among my acquaintance - Banter's behaviour - the Squire refuses his
consent - my uncle comes to town -- approves of my choice - I am married -- we
meet the Squire and his lady at the play - our acquaintance is courted
 
After having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present, my father
addressed himself thus to Narcissa, »Madam, give me leave to consider you
hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon your accepting this
first instance of my paternal duty and affection.« With these words, he put into
her hand a bank-note for 500 l. which she no sooner examined, than with a low
curtesy she replied, »Dear Sir, tho' I have not the least occasion for this
supply, I have too great a veneration for you, to refuse this proof of your
generosity and esteem, which I the more freely receive, because I already look
upon Mr. Random's interest as inseparably connected with mine.« He was extremely
well pleased at her frank and ingenuous reply, upon which we saluted, and wished
her good night. - The letter, at my request, was dispatched to Sussex by an
express, and in the mean time, Don Rodriguez, to grace my nuptials, hired a
ready-furnished house, and set up a very handsom equipage.
    Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the darling of my soul, I
found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance, who were astonished
at the magnificence of my appearance: Banter in particular was confounded at the
strange vicissitudes of my fortune, the causes of which he endeavoured in vain
to discover, until I thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my last voyage,
partly in consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to prevent
unfavourable conjectures which he and others, in all probability, would have
made in regard to my circumstances. He professed great satisfaction at this
piece of news, and I had no cause to believe him insincere, when I considered
that he would now look upon himself as acquitted of the debt he owed me, and at
the same time flatter himself with hopes of borrowing more. - I carried him home
to dinner with me, and my father liked his conversation so much, that upon
hearing his difficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the present, and
enquire if he would accept of a commission in the army, towards the purchase of
which he would willingly lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an
opportunity of being alone with me, when, as I expected, he told me that he was
just on the point of being reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir he was,
but wanted a few pieces for immediate expense, which he desired I would lend
him, and take his bond for the whole. His demand was limited to ten guineas; and
when I put twenty into his hand, he stared at me for some moments, then putting
it into his purse, said, »Ay, 'tis all one, - you'll have the whole in a very
short time.« When I had taken his note, to save the expense of a bond, I
expressed some surprise that a fellow of his spirit should loiter away his time
in idleness, and asked why he did not choose to make his fortune in the army. -
»What! (said he) throw away money upon a subaltern's commission, to be under the
command of a parcel of scoundrels who have raised themselves above me by the
most infamous practices! no, I love independency too well to sacrifice my life,
health and pleasure for such a pitiful consideration.« - Finding him averse to
this way of life, I chang'd the subject, and return'd to Don Rodriguez, who had
just received the following epistle from the Squire.
 
        Sir,
            »Concerning a letter which I received, subscrib'd R. Random, this is
        the answer. - As for you, I know nothing of you. - Your son, or
        pretended son, I have seen; - if he marries my sister, at his peril be
        it; I do declare, that he shall not have one farthing of her fortune,
        which becomes my property, if she takes a husband without my consent. -
        Your settlement, I do believe, is all a sham, and yourself no better
        than you should be; but if you had all the wealth of the Indies, your
        son shall never match in our family, with the consent of
                                                                Orson Topehall.«
 
My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having heard the
character of the author: and as for me, I was even pleased at his refusal,
because I now had an opportunity of showing my disinterested love. By his
permission I waited on my charmer; and having imparted the contents of her
brother's letter, at which she wept bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and
caresses, the time of our marriage was fixed at the distance of two days. -
During this interval, in which my soul was wound up to the last stretch of
rapturous expectation, Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her relations
in town to her marriage with me; but finding them all deaf to her remonstrances,
either out of envy or prejudice; she told me with the most enchanting sweetness,
while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, »Sure the world will no longer
question your generosity, when you take a poor forlorn beggar to your arms.«
Affected with her sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner to my breast, and swore
that she was more dear and welcome on that account, because she had sacrificed
her friends and fortune to her love for me. - My uncle, for whose character she
had a great veneration, being by this time come to town, I introduced him to my
bride; and although he was not very much subject to refined sensations, he was
struck dumb with admiration at her beauty. After having kissed and gazed at her
for some time, he turned to me, saying, »Odds bobs, Rory! here's a notable prize
indeed, finely built and gloriously rigged, I'faith! if she an't well manned
when you have the command of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in a
cockle-shell. - No offence, I hope, niece; you must not mind what I say, being
(as the saying is) a plain sea-faring man, thof mayhap I have as much regard for
you as another.« - She received him with great civility, told him she had longed
a great while to see a person to whom she was so much indebted for his
generosity to Mr. Random, that she looked upon him as her uncle, by which name
she begged leave to call him for the future, and that she was very sure he could
say nothing that could give her the least offence. The honest captain was
transported at her courteous behaviour, and insisted upon giving her away at the
ceremony, swearing that he loved her as well as if she was his own child, and
that he would give two thousand guineas to the first fruit of our love, as soon
as it could squeak. - Every thing being prepared for the solemnization of our
nuptials, which were to be performed privately at my father's house, the
auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodriguez and my uncle went in the coach to
fetch the bride and Miss Williams; leaving me with a parson, Banter and Strap,
neither of whom had as yet seen my charming mistress. - My faithful valet, who
was on the rack of impatience to behold a lady of whom he had heard so much, no
sooner understood that the coach was returned, than he placed himself at a
window to have a peep at her as she alighted; and when he saw her, he clapped
his hands together, turned up the white of his eyes, and with his mouth wide
open, remained in a sort of ecstasy, which broke out into, »O Dea certe! - qualis
in Eurotæ ripis, aut per juga Cynthi exercet Diana choros!« - The doctor and
Banter were supriz'd to hear my man speak Latin, but when my father led Narcissa
into the room, the object of their admiration was soon changed, as appear'd in
the countenances of both. - Indeed they must have been the most insensible of
all beings, could they have beheld without emotion the divine creature that
approached! She was dressed in a sack of white satin, embroidered on the breast
with gold; the crown of her head was covered with a small French cap, from
whence descended her beautiful hair in ringlets that waved upon her snowy neck,
which dignified the necklace I had given her; her looks glowed with modesty and
love; and her bosom, thro' the veil of gauze that shaded it, afforded a prospect
of Elyzium! - I received this inestimable gift of providence as became me; and
in a little time the clergyman did his office, my uncle, at his own earnest
request, acting the part of a father to my dear Narcissa, who trembled very
much, and had scarce spirits sufficient to support her under this great change
of situation. - Soon as she was mine by the laws of heaven and earth, I printed
a burning kiss upon her lips, my father embraced her tenderly, my uncle hugged
her with great affection, and I presented her to my friend Banter, who saluted
her in a very polite manner; Miss Williams hung round her neck, and wept
plentifully; while Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady's
hand, which she presented with great affability. - I shall not pretend to
describe my own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say, that after
having supped and entertained ourselves 'till ten a-clock, I cautioned my
Narcissa against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and she was
prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment destin'd for us. When
she left the room, her face was overspread with a blush that set all my blood in
a state of fermentation, and made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! She was
so cruel as to let me remain in this condition a full half hour; when, no longer
able to restrain my impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her
chamber, pushed out her confidante, locked the door, and found her -- O heav'n
and earth! a feast, a thousand times more delicious than my most sanguine hope
presaged! - But let me not profane the chaste mysteries of hymen - I was the
happiest of men!
    In the morning I was awake by three or four drums, which Banter had placed
under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain, and enjoyed the unspeakable
satisfaction of contemplating those angelic charms, which were now in my
possession! Beauty! which whether sleeping or awake, shot forth peculiar graces!
- The light darting upon my Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting
her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom. - I was distracted with joy! I could
not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon all that had happened, as
the fictions of a dream! In the mean time my uncle knocked at the door, and bid
me turn out, for I had had a long spell. - I got up accordingly, and sent Miss
Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the congratulation of captain
Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase, with great success. - In less than an
hour, Don Rodriguez led my wife in to breakfast, where she received the
compliments of the company on her looks, which, they said, if possible, were
improved by matrimony. - As her delicate ears were offended with none of those
indecent ambiguities, which are too often spoke on such occasions, she behaved
with dignity, unaffected modesty, and ease; and as a testimony of my affection
and esteem, I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which I
settled the whole fortune I was possessed of, on her and her heirs for ever. -
She accepted it with a glance of most tender acknowledgement, observed, that she
could not be surprised at any thing of this kind I should do, and desired my
father to take the trouble of keeping it, saying, »Next to my own Mr. Random,
you are the person in whom I ought to have the greatest confidence.« Charm'd
with her prudent and ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and
assured her that it should not lose its value while in his custody.
    As we had not many visits to give and receive; the little time we stayed in
town was spent in going to public diversions, where I have the vanity to think
Narcissa seldom was eclipsed. - One night in particular, we had sent our footman
to keep one of the stage-boxes, which we no sooner entered, than we perceived in
the opposite box the Squire and his lady, who seem'd not a little surprised at
seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confronting them; the more,
because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife, who happened that
night to outshine her sister both in beauty and dress. - She was piqued at
Narcissa's victory, tossed her head a thousand different ways, flirted her fan,
looked at us with disdain, then whispered to her husband, and broke out into an
affected giggle; but all her arts proved ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs.
Random, or to conceal her own mortification, which at length forced her away
long before the play was done. - The news of our marriage being spread, with
many circumstances to our disadvantage, by the industry of this malignant
creature, a certain set of persons, fond of scandal, began to enquire into the
particulars of my fortune, which they no sooner understood to be independent,
than the tables were turned, and our acquaintance was courted as much as it had
been despised before: But Narcissa had too much dignity of pride, to encourage
this change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she could never be
prevailed upon to see, after the malicious reports they had raised to her
prejudice.
 

                                  Chapter LXIX

My father intends to revisit the place of his nativity - we propose to accompany
him - my uncle renews his will in my favour, determining to go to sea again --
we set out for Scotland -- arrive at Edinburgh - purchase our paternal estate --
proceed to it -- halt at the town where I was educated -- take up my bond to
Crab -- the behaviour of Potion and his wife, and one of my female cousins --
our reception at the estate -- Strap marries Miss Williams, and is settled by my
father to his own satisfaction -- I am more and more happy
 
My father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute of a few
tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I resolved to accompany him in the
execution of this pious office, and accordingly prepared for the journey; in
which, however, my uncle would not engage, being resolved to try his fortune
once more at sea. In the mean time, he renewed his will in favour of my wife and
me, and deposited it in the hands of his brother-in-law: While I (that I might
not be wanting to my own interest) summoned the Squire to produce his father's
will at Doctor's Commons, and employed a proctor to manage the affair in my
absence.
    Every thing being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends in London,
and set out for Scotland, Don Rodriguez, Narcissa, Miss Williams, and I in the
coach, and Strap with two men in livery on horse-back: As we made easy stages,
my charmer held it out very well, till we arrived at Edinburgh, where we
proposed to rest ourselves some weeks. People of our figure could not fail of
attracting the notice of such a small place, where, as soon as our family was
known, we were loaded with caresses, and Narcissa was so much pleased with the
civilities she received, that she protested she would never desire to live in
any other part of the world.
    Here Don Rodriguez having intelligence that his nephew the fox-hunter had
spent his estate, which was to be exposed to sale by public auction, he
determined to make a purchase of the spot where he was born, and actually bought
the whole of his father's lands.
    In a few days after this bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in order to go
and take possession; and by the way, halted one night in that town where I was
educated. - Upon inquiry, I found that Mr. Crab was dead; whereupon I sent for
his executor, paid the sum I owed, with interest, and took up my bond. Mr.
Potion and his wife hearing of our arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn
where we lodged, and send up their names, with a desire of being permitted to
pay their respects to my father and me: But their sordid behaviour towards me,
when I was an orphan, had made too deep an impression on my mind, to be effaced
by this mean mercenary piece of condescension; I therefore rejected their
message with disdain, and bid Strap tell them, that my father and I desired to
have no communication with such low-minded wretches as they were.
    They had not been gone half an hour, when a woman without any ceremony,
opened the door of the room where we sat, and making towards my father, accosted
him with, »Uncle, your servant - I am glad to see you.« - This was no other than
one of my female cousins, mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, to whom Don
Rodriguez replied, »Pray, who are you, madam?« - »O! (cried she) my cousin Rory
there, knows me very well - Don't you remember me, Rory?« - »Yes, madam, (said
I) for my own part, I shall never forget you. - Sir, this is one of the young
ladies, who (as I have formerly told you) treated me so humanely in my
childhood!« When I pronounced these words, my father's resentment glowed in his
visage, and he ordered her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, that she
retired in a fright, muttering curses as she went down stairs: We afterwards
learned that she was married to an ensign, who had already spent all her
fortune; and that her sister had bore a child to her mother's footman, who is
now her husband, and keeps a petty ale-house in the country.
    The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place before
us, we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to compliment us with
the freedom of their town; upon which my father, considering their complaisance
in the right point of view, ordered the horses to the coach early in the
morning, when we proceeded to our estate, which lay about a dozen miles from
this place.
    When we came within half a league of the house, we were met by a prodigious
number of poor tenants, men, women and children, who testified their joy by loud
acclamations, and accompanied our coach to the gate. - As there is no part of
the world, in which the peasants are more attached to their Lords, than in
Scotland, we were almost devoured by their affection, in getting out of the
coach: My father had always been their favourite, and now that he appeared their
master, after being thought dead so long, their joy broke out into a thousand
extravagancies: When we got into the court-yard, we were surrounded by a vast
number, who crowded together so closely to see us, that several were in danger
of being squeezed to death; those who were near Don Rodriguez fell upon their
knees, and kissed his hand, or the hem of his garment, praying aloud for long
life and prosperity to him; others approached Narcissa and me in the same
manner; while the rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked heaven to
shower its choicest blessings on our heads! - In short, the whole scene, though
rude, was so affecting, that the gentle partner of my heart wept over it, and my
father himself could not refrain from dropping a tear.
    Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some bullocks
to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought from the neighbouring
village, to regale those honest people, who had not enjoyed such a holiday for
many years before.
    Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, most of them
our relations, one of whom brought along with him my cousin, the fox-hunter, who
had staid at his house, since he was obliged to leave his own: My father was
generous enough to receive him kindly, and even promise to purchase for him a
commission in the army, at which he expressed great thankfulness and joy.
    My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her beauty,
affability and good sense; and so well pleased with the situation of the place,
and the company around, that she has not, as yet, discovered the least desire of
changing her habitation.
    We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father to pay a
visit to the village where I had been at school. Here we were received by the
principal inhabitants, who entertained us in the church, where Mr. Syntax the
schoolmaster (my tyrant being dead) pronounced a Latin speech in honour of our
family: And none exerted themselves more than Strap's father and relations, who
looked upon the honest valet as the first gentleman of their race, and honoured
his benefactors accordingly. - Having received the homage of this place, we
retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of the parish; and
that very night, Strap being a little elevated with the regard that had been
shown to him, and to me on his account, ventured to tell me, that he had a
sneaking kindness for Miss Williams, and that if his lady and I would use our
interest in his behalf, he did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses.
Surprized at this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that unfortunate
young gentlewoman: Upon which, he replied, »Yes, yes, I know what you mean - she
has been unhappy, I grant you - but what of that? I am convinced of her
reformation; or else you and my good lady would not treat her with such respect.
- As for the censure of the world, I value it not a fig's end - besides, the
world know s nothing of the matter.« I commended his philosophy, and interested
Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so effectually, that in a little time,
Miss Williams, yielded her consent, and they were married with the approbation
of Don Rodriguez, who gave him five hundred pounds to stock a farm, and made him
overseer of his estate. My generous bedfellow gave her maid the same sum; so
that they live in great peace and plenty within half a mile of us, and daily put
up prayers for our preservation.
    If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it. - The
impetuous transports of my passion are now settled and mellowed into endearing
fondness and tranquillity of love, rooted by that intimate connexion and
interchange of hearts, which nought but virtuous wedlock can produce. - Fortune
seems determined to make ample amends for her former cruelty; for my proctor
writes, that notwithstanding the clause in my father-in-law's will, on which the
Squire founds his claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's fortune, in
consequence of a codicil annexed, which explains that clause, and limits her
restriction to the age of nineteen, after which she was at her own disposal. - I
would have set out for London immediately after receiving this piece of
intelligence, but my dear angel has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow
remarkably round in the waist; so that I cannot leave her in such an interesting
situation, which I hope will produce something to crown my felicity.
 

                                     Notes

1 A bum-boat-woman, is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and fresh
provision to the sailors, in a small boat that lies along-side of the ship.
 
2 Bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water and nutmeg.
