Charlotte Brontë
Jane Eyre
An Autobiography
To W M Thackeray Esq
This Work Is Respectfully Inscribed by the Author
Preface to the Second Edition
A preface to the first edition of »Jane Eyre« being unnecessary I gave none
this second edition demands a few words both of acknowledgment and miscellaneous
remark
My thanks are due in three quarters
To the Public for the indulgent ear it has inclined to a plain tale with
few pretensions
To the Press for the fair field its honest suffrage has opened to an
obscure aspirant
To my Publishers for the aid their tact their energy their practical
sense and frank liberality have afforded an unknown and unrecommended Author
The Press and the Public are but vague personifications for me and I must
thank them in vague terms but my Publishers are definite so are certain
generous critics who have encouraged me as only largehearted and highminded
men know how to encourage a struggling stranger to them ie to my Publishers
and the select Reviewers I say cordially Gentlemen I thank you from my heart
Having thus acknowledged what I owe those who have aided and approved me I
turn to another class a small one so far as I know but not therefore to be
overlooked I mean the timorous or carping few who doubt the tendency of such
books as »Jane Eyre« in whose eyes whatever is unusual is wrong whose ears
detect in each protest against bigotry that parent of crime an insult to
piety that regent of God on earth I would suggest to such doubters certain
obvious distinctions I would remind them of certain simple truths
Conventionality is not morality Selfrighteousness is not religion To
attack the first is not to assail the last To pluck the mask from the face of
the Pharisee is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns
These things and deeds are diametrically opposed they are as distinct as is
vice from virtue Men too often confound them they should not be confounded
appearance should not be mistaken for truth narrow human doctrines that only
tend to elate and magnify a few should not be substituted for the
worldredeeming creed of Christ There is I repeat it a difference and it
is a good and not a bad action to mark broadly and clearly the line of
separation between them
The world may not like to see these ideas dissevered for it has been
accustomed to blend them finding it convenient to make external show pass for
sterling worth to let white washed walls vouch for clean shrines It may
hate him who dares to scrutinize and expose to raise the gilding and show
base metal under it to penetrate the sepulchre and reveal charnel relics but
hate as it will it is indebted to him
Ahab did not like Micaiah because he never prophesied good concerning him
but evil probably he liked the sycophant son of Chenaannah better yet might
Ahab have escaped a bloody death had he but stopped his ears to flattery and
opened them to faithful counsel
There is a man in our own days whose words are not framed to tickle delicate
ears who to my thinking comes before the great ones of society much as the
son of Imlah came before the throned Kings of Judah and Israel and who speaks
truth as deep with a power as prophetlike and as vital a mien as dauntless
and as daring Is the satirist of »Vanity Fair« admired in high places I cannot
tell but I think if some of those amongst whom he hurls the Greek fire of his
sarcasm and over whom he flashes the levinbrand of his denunciation were to
take his warnings in time they or their seed might yet escape a fatal
RamothGilead
Why have I alluded to this man I have alluded to him Reader because I
think I see in him an intellect profounder and more unique than his
contemporaries have yet recognised because I regard him as the first social
regenerator of the day as the very master of that working corps who would
restore to rectitude the warped system of things because I think no commentator
on his writings has yet found the comparison that suits him the terms which
rightly characterize his talent They say he is like Fielding they talk of his
wit humour comic powers He resembles Fielding as an eagle does a vulture
Fielding could stoop on carrion but Thackeray never does His wit is bright
his humour attractive but both bear the same relation to his serious genius
that the mere lambent sheetlightning playing under the edge of the
summercloud does to the electric deathspark hid in its womb Finally I have
alluded to Mr Thackeray because to him if he will accept the tribute of a
total stranger I have dedicated this second edition of »JANE EYRE«
Currer Bell
Dec 21st 1847
Note to the Third Edition
I avail myself of the opportunity which a third edition of »Jane Eyre« affords
me of again addressing a word to the public to explain that my claim to the
title of novelist rests on this one work alone If therefore the authorship of
other works of fiction has been attributed to me an honour is awarded where it
is not merited and consequently denied where it is justly due
This explanation will serve to rectify mistakes which may already have been
made and to prevent future errors
Currer Bell
April 13th 1848
Chapter I
There was no possibility of taking a walk that day We had been wandering
indeed in the leafless shrubbery an hour in the morning but since dinner Mrs
Reed when there was no company dined early the cold winter wind had brought
with it clouds so sombre and a rain so penetrating that further outdoor
exercise was now out of the question
I was glad of it I never liked long walks especially on chilly afternoons
dreadful to me was the coming home in the raw twilight with nipped fingers and
toes and a heart saddened by the chidings of Bessie the nurse and humbled by
the consciousness of my physical inferiority to Eliza John and Georgiana Reed
The said Eliza John and Georgiana were now clustered round their mama in
the drawingroom she lay reclined on a sofa by the fireside and with her
darlings about her for the time neither quarrelling nor crying looked
perfectly happy Me she had dispensed from joining the group saying »She
regretted to be under the necessity of keeping me at a distance but that until
she heard from Bessie and could discover by her own observation that I was
endeavouring in good earnest to acquire a more sociable and childlike
disposition a more attractive and sprightly manner something lighter
franker more natural as it were she really must exclude me from privileges
intended only for contented happy little children«
»What does Bessie say I have done« I asked
»Jane I dont like cavillers or questioners besides there is something
truly forbidding in a child taking up her elders in that manner Be seated
somewhere and until you can speak pleasantly remain silent«
A small breakfastroom adjoined the drawingroom I slipped in there It
contained a bookcase I soon possessed myself of a volume taking care that it
should be one stored with pictures I mounted into the windowseat gathering up
my feet I sat crosslegged like a Turk and having drawn the red moreen
curtain nearly close I was shrined in double retirement
Folds of scarlet drapery shut in my view to the right hand to the left were
the clear panes of glass protecting but not separating me from the drear
November day At intervals while turning over the leaves of my book I studied
the aspect of that winter afternoon Afar it offered a pale blank of mist and
cloud near a scene of wet lawn and stormbeat shrub with ceaseless rain
sweeping away wildly before a long and lamentable blast
I returned to my book Bewicks History of British Birds the letterpress
thereof I cared little for generally speaking and yet there were certain
introductory pages that child as I was I could not pass quite as a blank They
were those which treat of the haunts of seafowl of »the solitary rocks and
promontories« by them only inhabited of the coast of Norway studded with isles
from its southern extremity the Lindeness or Naze to the North Cape
»Where the Northern Ocean in vast whirls
Boils round the naked melancholy isles
Of farthest Thule and the Atlantic surge
Pours in among the stormy Hebrides«
Nor could I pass unnoticed the suggestion of the bleak shores of Lapland
Siberia Spitzbergen Nova Zembla Iceland Greenland with »the vast sweep of
the Arctic Zone and those forlorn regions of dreary space that reservoir of
frost and snow where firm fields of ice the accumulation of centuries of
winters glazed in Alpine heights above heights surround the pole and
concentre the multiplied rigors of extreme cold« Of these deathwhite realms I
formed an idea of my own shadowy like all the halfcomprehended notions that
float dim through childrens brains but strangely impressive The words in
these introductory pages connected themselves with the succeeding vignettes and
gave significance to the rock standing up alone in a sea of billow and spray to
the broken boat stranded on a desolate coast to the cold and ghastly moon
glancing through bars of cloud at a wreck just sinking
I cannot tell what sentiment haunted the quite solitary churchyard with its
inscribed headstone its gate its two trees its low horizon girdled by a
broken wall and its newlyrisen crescent attesting the hour of eventide
The two ships becalmed on a torpid sea I believed to be marine phantoms
The fiend pinning down the thiefs pack behind him I passed over quickly
it was an object of terror
So was the black horned thing seated aloof on a rock surveying a distant
crowd surrounding a gallows
Each picture told a story mysterious often to my undeveloped understanding
and imperfect feelings yet ever profoundly interesting as interesting as the
tales Bessie sometimes narrated on winter evenings when she chanced to be in
good humour and when having brought her ironingtable to the nurseryhearth
she allowed us to sit about it and while she got up Mrs Reeds lace frills
and crimped her nightcap borders fed our eager attention with passages of love
and adventure taken from old fairy tales and older ballads or as at a later
period I discovered from the pages of Pamela and Henry Earl of Moreland
With Bewick on my knee I was then happy happy at least in my way I feared
nothing but interruption and that came too soon The breakfast roomdoor
opened
»Boh Madam Mope« cried the voice of John Reed then he paused he found
the room apparently empty
»Where the dickens is she« he continued »Lizzy Georgy« calling to his
sisters »Joan is not here tell mama she is run out into the rain bad
animal«
»It is well I drew the curtain« thought I and I wished fervently he might
not discover my hidingplace nor would John Reed have found it out himself he
was not quick either of vision or conception but Eliza just put her head in at
the door and said at once
»She is in the windowseat to be sure Jack«
And I came out immediately for I trembled at the idea of being dragged
forth by the said Jack
»What do you want« I asked with awkward diffidence
»Say what do you want Master Reed« was the answer »I want you to come
here« and seating himself in an armchair he intimated by a gesture that I was
to approach and stand before him
John Reed was a schoolboy of fourteen years old four years older than I
for I was but ten large and stout for his age with a dingy and unwholesome
skin thick lineaments in a spacious visage heavy limbs and large extremities
He gorged himself habitually at table which made him bilious and gave him a
dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks He ought now to have been at school but
his mama had taken him home for a month or two »on account of his delicate
health« Mr Miles the master affirmed that he would do very well if he had
fewer cakes and sweetmeats sent him from home but the mothers heart turned
from an opinion so harsh and inclined rather to the more refined idea that
Johns sallowness was owing to overapplication and perhaps to pining after
home
John had not much affection for his mother and sisters and an antipathy to
me He bullied and punished me not two or three times in the week nor once or
twice in the day but continually every nerve I had feared him and every
morsel of flesh on my bones shrank when he came near There were moments when I
was bewildered by the terror he inspired because I had no appeal whatever
against either his menaces or his inflictions the servants did not like to
offend their young master by taking my part against him and Mrs Reed was blind
and deaf on the subject she never saw him strike or heard him abuse me though
he did both now and then in her very presence more frequently however behind
her back
Habitually obedient to John I came up to his chair he spent some three
minutes in thrusting out his tongue at me as far as he could without damaging
the roots I knew he would soon strike and while dreading the blow I mused on
the disgusting and ugly appearance of him who would presently deal it I wonder
if he read that notion in my face for all at once without speaking he struck
suddenly and strongly I tottered and on regaining my equilibrium retired back
a step or two from his chair
»That is for your impudence in answering mama a while since« said he »and
for your sneaking way of getting behind curtains and for the look you had in
your eyes two minutes since you rat«
Accustomed to John Reeds abuse I never had an idea of replying to it my
care was how to endure the blow which would certainly follow the insult
»What were you doing behind the curtain« he asked
»I was reading«
»Shew the book«
I returned to the window and fetched it thence
»You have no business to take our books you are a dependant mama says you
have no money your father left you none you ought to beg and not to live here
with gentlemens children like us and eat the same meals we do and wear
clothes at our mamas expense Now Ill teach you to rummage my bookshelves
for they are mine all the house belongs to me or will do in a few years Go
and stand by the door out of the way of the mirror and the windows«
I did so not at first aware what was his intention but when I saw him lift
and poise the book and stand in act to hurl it I instinctively started aside
with a cry of alarm not soon enough however the volume was flung it hit me
and I fell striking my head against the door and cutting it The cut bled the
pain was sharp my terror had passed its climax other feelings succeeded
»Wicked and cruel boy« I said »You are like a murderer you are like a
slavedriver you are like the Roman emperors«
I had read Goldsmiths History of Rome and had formed my opinion of Nero
Caligula etc Also I had drawn parallels in silence which I never thought thus
to have declared aloud
»What what« he cried »Did she say that to me Did you hear her Eliza and
Georgiana Wont I tell mama but first«
He ran headlong at me I felt him grasp my hair and my shoulder he had
closed with a desperate thing I really saw in him a tyrant a murderer I felt
a drop or two of blood from my head trickle down my neck and was sensible of
somewhat pungent suffering these sensations for the time predominated over
fear and I received him in frantic sort I dont very well know what I did with
my hands but he called me »Rat rat« and bellowed out aloud Aid was near him
Eliza and Georgiana had run for Mrs Reed who was gone up stairs she now came
upon the scene followed by Bessie and her maid Abbot We were parted I heard
the words
»Dear dear What a fury to fly at Master John«
»Did ever anybody see such a picture of passion«
Then Mrs Reed subjoined
»Take her away to the redroom and lock her in there« Four hands were
immediately laid upon me and I was borne up stairs
Chapter II
I resisted all the way a new thing for me and a circumstance which greatly
strengthened the bad opinion Bessie and Miss Abbot were disposed to entertain of
me The fact is I was a trifle beside myself or rather out of myself as the
French would say I was conscious that a moments mutiny had already rendered me
liable to strange penalties and like any other rebel slave I felt resolved in
my desperation to go all lengths
»Hold her arms Miss Abbot shes like a mad cat«
»For shame for shame« cried the ladysmaid »What shocking conduct Miss
Eyre to strike a young gentleman your benefactresss son Your young master«
»Master How is he my master Am I a servant«
»No you are less than a servant for you do nothing for your keep There
sit down and think over your wickedness«
They had got me by this time into the apartment indicated by Mrs Reed and
had thrust me upon a stool my impulse was to rise from it like a spring their
two pair of hands arrested me instantly
»If you dont sit still you must be tied down« said Bessie »Miss Abbot
lend me your garters she would break mine directly«
Miss Abbot turned to divest a stout leg of the necessary ligature This
preparation for bonds and the additional ignominy it inferred took a little of
the excitement out of me
»Dont take them off« I cried »I will not stir«
In guarantee whereof I attached myself to my seat by my hands
»Mind you dont« said Bessie and when she had ascertained that I was
really subsiding she loosened her hold of me then she and Miss Abbot stood
with folded arms looking darkly and doubtfully on my face as incredulous of my
sanity
»She never did so before« at last said Bessie turning to the Abigail
»But it was always in her« was the reply »Ive told Missis often my
opinion about the child and Missis agreed with me Shes an underhand little
thing I never saw a girl of her age with so much cover«
Bessie answered not but ere long addressing me she said
»You ought to be aware Miss that you are under obligations to Mrs Reed
she keeps you if she were to turn you off you would have to go to the
poorhouse«
I had nothing to say to these words they were not new to me my very first
recollections of existence included hints of the same kind This reproach of my
dependence had become a vague singsong in my ear very painful and crushing
but only half intelligible Miss Abbot joined in
»And you ought not to think yourself on an equality with the Misses Reed and
Master Reed because Missis kindly allows you to be brought up with them They
will have a great deal of money and you will have none it is your place to be
humble and to try to make yourself agreeable to them«
»What we tell you is for your good« added Bessie in no harsh voice »you
should try to be useful and pleasant then perhaps you would have a home here
but if you become passionate and rude Missis will send you away I am sure«
»Besides« said Miss Abbot »God will punish her he might strike her dead
in the midst of her tantrums and then where would she go Come Bessie we will
leave her I wouldnt have her heart for anything Say your prayers Miss Eyre
when you are by yourself for if you dont repent something bad might be
permitted to come down the chimney and fetch you away«
They went shutting the door and locking it behind them
The redroom was a spare chamber very seldom slept in I might say never
indeed unless when a chance influx of visitors at Gatesheadhall rendered it
necessary to turn to account all the accommodation it contained yet it was one
of the largest and stateliest chambers in the mansion A bed supported on
massive pillars of mahogany hung with curtains of deepred damask stood out
like a tabernacle in the centre the two large windows with their blinds always
drawn down were half shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery the
carpet was red the table at the foot of the bed was covered with a crimson
cloth the walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush of pink in it the
wardrobe the toilettable the chairs were of darkly polished old mahogany Out
of these deep surrounding shades rose high and glared white the piledup
mattresses and pillows of the bed spread with a snowy Marseilles counterpane
Scarcely less prominent was an ample cushioned easychair near the head of the
bed also white with a footstool before it and looking as I thought like a
pale throne
This room was chill because it seldom had a fire it was silent because
remote from the nursery and kitchens solemn because it was known to be so
seldom entered The housemaid alone came here on Saturdays to wipe from the
mirrors and the furniture a weeks quiet dust and Mrs Reed herself at far
intervals visited it to review the contents of a certain secret drawer in the
wardrobe where were stored divers parchments her jewelcasket and a miniature
of her deceased husband and in those last words lies the secret of the
redroom the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its grandeur
Mr Reed had been dead nine years it was in this chamber he breathed his
last here he lay in state hence his coffin was borne by the undertakers men
and since that day a sense of dreary consecration had guarded it from frequent
intrusion
My seat to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me riveted was
a low ottoman near the marble chimneypiece the bed rose before me to my right
hand there was the high dark wardrobe with subdued broken reflections varying
the gloss of its pannels to my left were the muffled windows a great
lookingglass between them repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room I
was not quite sure whether they had locked the door and when I dared move I
got up and went to see Alas yes no jail was ever more secure Returning I
had to cross before the lookingglass my fascinated glance involuntarily
explored the depth it revealed All looked colder and darker in that visionary
hollow than in reality and the strange little figure there gazing at me with a
white face and arms specking the gloom and glittering eyes of fear moving where
all else was still had the effect of a real spirit I thought it like one of
the tiny phantoms half fairy half imp Bessies evening stories represented as
coming out of lone ferny dells in moors and appearing before the eyes of
belated travellers I returned to my stool
Superstition was with me at that moment but it was not yet her hour for
complete victory my blood was still warm the mood of the revolted slave was
still bracing me with its bitter vigour I had to stem a rapid rush of
retrospective thought before I quailed to the dismal present
All John Reeds violent tyrannies all his sisters proud indifference all
his mothers aversion all the servants partiality turned up in my disturbed
mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well Why was I always suffering always
browbeaten always accused for ever condemned Why could I never please Why
was it useless to try to win any ones favour Eliza who was headstrong and
selfish was respected Georgiana who had a spoiled temper a very acrid spite
a captious and insolent carriage was universally indulged Her beauty her pink
cheeks and golden curls seemed to give delight to all who looked at her and to
purchase indemnity for every fault John no one thwarted much less punished
though he twisted the necks of the pigeons killed the little peachicks set
the dogs at the sheep stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit and broke the
buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory he called his mother old girl
too sometimes reviled her for her dark skin similar to his own bluntly
disregarded her wishes not unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire and
he was still her own darling I dared commit no fault I strove to fulfil every
duty and I was termed naughty and tiresome sullen and sneaking from morning
to noon and from noon to night
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received no one
had reproved John for wantonly striking me and because I had turned against him
to avert farther irrational violence I was loaded with general opprobrium
»Unjust unjust« said my reason forced by the agonizing stimulus into
precocious though transitory power and Resolve equally wrought up instigated
some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable oppression as
running away or if that could not be effected never eating or drinking more
and letting myself die
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon How all my
brain was in tumult and all my heart in insurrection Yet in what darkness
what dense ignorance was the mental battle fought I could not answer the
ceaseless inward question why I thus suffered now at the distance of I
will not say how many years I see it clearly
I was a discord in Gatesheadhall I was like nobody there I had nothing in
harmony with Mrs Reed or her children or her chosen vassalage If they did not
love me in fact as little did I love them They were not bound to regard with
affection a thing that could not sympathize with one amongst them a
heterogeneous thing opposed to them in temperament in capacity in
propensities a useless thing incapable of serving their interest or adding to
their pleasure a noxious thing cherishing the germs of indignation at their
treatment of contempt of their judgment I know that had I been a sanguine
brilliant careless exacting handsome romping child though equally
dependent and friendless Mrs Reed would have endured my presence more
complacently her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality
of fellowfeeling the servants would have been less prone to make me the
scapegoat of the nursery
Daylight began to forsake the redroom it was past four oclock and the
beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight I heard the rain still
beating continuously on the staircase window and the wind howling in the grove
behind the hall I grew by degrees cold as a stone and then my courage sank My
habitual mood of humiliation selfdoubt forlorn depression fell damp on the
embers of my decaying ire All said I was wicked and perhaps I might be so
what thought had I been but just conceiving of starving myself to death That
certainly was a crime and was I fit to die Or was the vault under the chancel
of Gateshead church an inviting bourne In such vault I had been told did Mr
Reed lie buried and led by this thought to recall his idea I dwelt on it with
gathering dread I could not remember him but I knew that he was my own uncle
my mothers brother that he had taken me when a parentless infant to his
house and that in his last moments he had required a promise of Mrs Reed that
she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children Mrs Reed probably
considered she had kept this promise and so she had I dare say as well as her
nature would permit her but how could she really like an interloper not of her
race and unconnected with her after her husbands death by any tie It must
have been most irksome to find herself bound by a hardwrung pledge to stand in
the stead of a parent to a strange child she could not love and to see an
uncongenial alien permanently intruded on her own family group
A singular notion dawned upon me I doubted not never doubted that if
Mr Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly and now as I sat
looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls occasionally also turning a
fascinated eye towards the dimly gleaming mirror I began to recall what I had
heard of dead men troubled in their graves by the violation of their last
wishes revisiting the earth to punish the perjured and avenge the oppressed
and I thought Mr Reeds spirit harassed by the wrongs of his sisters child
might quit its abode whether in the church vault or in the unknown world of
the departed and rise before me in this chamber I wiped my tears and hushed
my sobs fearful lest any sign of violent grief might waken a preternatural
voice to comfort me or elicit from the gloom some haloed face bending over me
with strange pity This idea consolatory in theory I felt would be terrible if
realised with all my might I endeavoured to stifle it I endeavoured to be
firm Shaking my hair from my eyes I lifted my head and tried to look boldly
round the dark room at this moment a light gleamed on the wall Was it I asked
myself a ray from the moon penetrating some aperture in the blind No
moonlight was still and this stirred while I gazed it glided up to the
ceiling and quivered over my head I can now conjecture readily that this streak
of light was in all likelihood a gleam from a lantern carried by some one
across the lawn but then prepared as my mind was for horror shaken as my
nerves were by agitation I thought the swiftdarting beam was a herald of some
coming vision from another world My heart beat thick my head grew hot a sound
filled my ears which I deemed the rushing of wings something seemed near me I
was oppressed suffocated endurance broke down I rushed to the door and shook
the lock in desperate effort Steps came running along the outer passage the
key turned Bessie and Abbot entered
»Miss Eyre are you ill« said Bessie
»What a dreadful noise it went quite through me« exclaimed Abbot
»Take me out Let me go into the nursery« was my cry
»What for Are you hurt Have you seen something« again demanded Bessie
»Oh I saw a light and I thought a ghost would come« I had now got hold of
Bessies hand and she did not snatch it from me
»She has screamed out on purpose« declared Abbot in some disgust »And
what a scream If she had been in great pain one would have excused it but she
only wanted to bring us all here I know her naughty tricks«
»What is all this« demanded another voice peremptorily and Mrs Reed came
along the corridor her cap flying wide her gown rustling stormily »Abbot and
Bessie I believe I gave orders that Jane Eyre should be left in the redroom
till I came to her myself«
»Miss Jane screamed so loud maam« pleaded Bessie
»Let her go« was the only answer »Loose Bessies hand child you cannot
succeed in getting out by these means be assured I abhor artifice
particularly in children it is my duty to show you that tricks will not answer
you will now stay here an hour longer and it is only on condition of perfect
submission and stillness that I shall liberate you then«
»Oh aunt have pity Forgive me I cannot endure it let me be punished
some other way I shall be killed if «
»Silence This violence is all most repulsive« and so no doubt she felt
it I was a precocious actress in her eyes she sincerely looked on me as a
compound of virulent passions mean spirit and dangerous duplicity
Bessie and Abbot having retreated Mrs Reed impatient of my now frantic
anguish and wild sobs abruptly thrust me back and locked me in without farther
parley I heard her sweeping away and soon after she was gone I suppose I had
a species of fit unconsciousness closed the scene
Chapter III
The next thing I remember is waking up with a feeling as if I had had a
frightful nightmare and seeing before me a terrible red glare crossed with
thick black bars I heard voices too speaking with a hollow sound and as if
muffled by a rush of wind or water agitation uncertainty and an
allpredominating sense of terror confused my faculties Ere long I became
aware that some one was handling me lifting me up and supporting me in a
sitting posture and that more tenderly than I had ever been raised or upheld
before I rested my head against a pillow or an arm and felt easy
In five minutes more the cloud of bewilderment dissolved I knew quite well
that I was in my own bed and that the red glare was the nursery fire It was
night a candle burnt on the table Bessie stood at the bedfoot with a basin in
her hand and a gentleman sat in a chair near my pillow leaning over me
I felt an inexpressible relief a soothing conviction of protection and
security when I knew that there was a stranger in the room an individual not
belonging to Gateshead and not related to Mrs Reed Turning from Bessie
though her presence was far less obnoxious to me than that of Abbot for
instance would have been I scrutinized the face of the gentleman I knew him
it was Mr Lloyd an apothecary sometimes called in by Mrs Reed when the
servants were ailing for herself and the children she employed a physician
»Well who am I« he asked
I pronounced his name offering him at the same time my hand he took it
smiling and saying »We shall do very well byandby« Then he laid me down and
addressing Bessie charged her to be very careful that I was not disturbed
during the night Having given some further directions and intimated that he
should call again the next day he departed to my grief I felt so sheltered
and befriended while he sat in the chair near my pillow and as he closed the
door after him all the room darkened and my heart again sank inexpressible
sadness weighed it down
»Do you feel as if you should sleep Miss« asked Bessie rather softly
Scarcely dared I answer her for I feared the next sentence might be rough
»I will try«
»Would you like to drink or could you eat anything«
»No thank you Bessie«
»Then I think I shall go to bed for it is past twelve oclock but you may
call me if you want anything in the night«
Wonderful civility this It emboldened me to ask a question
»Bessie what is the matter with me Am I ill«
»You fell sick I suppose in the redroom with crying youll be better
soon no doubt«
Bessie went into the housemaids apartment which was near I heard her say
»Sarah come and sleep with me in the nursery I darent for my life be
alone with that poor child tonight she might die its such a strange thing
she should have that fit I wonder if she saw anything Missis was rather too
hard«
Sarah came back with her they both went to bed they were whispering
together for half an hour before they fell asleep I caught scraps of their
conversation from which I was able only too distinctly to infer the main
subject discussed
»Something passed her all dressed in white and vanished« »A great black
dog behind him« »Three loud raps on the chamber door« »A light in the
churchyard just over his grave« etc etc
At last both slept the fire and the candle went out For me the watches of
that long night passed in ghastly wakefulness ear eye and mind were alike
strained by dread such dread as children only can feel
No severe or prolonged bodily illness followed this incident of the
redroom it only gave my nerves a shock of which I feel the reverberation to
this day Yes Mrs Reed to you I owe some fearful pangs of mental suffering
But I ought to forgive you for you knew not what you did while rending my
heartstrings you thought you were only uprooting my bad propensities
Next day by noon I was up and dressed and sat wrapped in a shawl by the
nursery hearth I felt physically weak and broken down but my worst ailment was
an unutterable wretchedness of mind a wretchedness which kept drawing from me
silent tears no sooner had I wiped one salt drop from my cheek than another
followed Yet I thought I ought to have been happy for none of the Reeds were
there they were all gone out in the carriage with their mama Abbot too was
sewing in another room and Bessie as she moved hither and thither putting
away toys and arranging drawers addressed to me every now and then a word of
unwonted kindness This state of things should have been to me a paradise of
peace accustomed as I was to a life of ceaseless reprimand and thankless
fagging but in fact my racked nerves were now in such a state that no calm
could soothe and no pleasure excite them agreeably
Bessie had been down into the kitchen and she brought up with her a tart on
a certain brightly painted china plate whose bird of paradise nestling in a
wreath of convolvuli and rosebuds had been wont to stir in me a most
enthusiastic sense of admiration and which plate I had often petitioned to be
allowed to take in my hand in order to examine it more closely but had always
hitherto been deemed unworthy of such a privilege This precious vessel was now
placed on my knee and I was cordially invited to eat the circlet of delicate
pastry upon it Vain favour coming like most other favours long deferred and
often wished for too late I could not eat the tart and the plumage of the
bird the tints of the flowers seemed strangely faded I put both plate and
tart away Bessie asked if I would have a book the word book acted as a
transient stimulus and I begged her to fetch Gullivers Travels from the
library This book I had again and again perused with delight I considered it a
narrative of facts and discovered in it a vein of interest deeper than what I
found in fairy tales for as to the elves having sought them in vain among
foxglove leaves and bells under mushrooms and beneath the groundivy mantling
old wallnooks I had at length made up my mind to the sad truth that they were
all gone out of England to some savage country where the woods were wilder and
thicker and the population more scant whereas Lilliput and Brobdignag being
in my creed solid parts of the earths surface I doubted not that I might one
day by taking a long voyage see with my own eyes the little fields houses
and trees the diminutive people the tiny cows sheep and birds of the one
realm and the cornfields foresthigh the mighty mastiffs the monster cats
the towerlike men and women of the other Yet when this cherished volume was
now placed in my hand when I turned over its leaves and sought in its
marvellous pictures the charm I had till now never failed to find all was
eerie and dreary the giants were gaunt goblins the pigmies malevolent and
fearful imps Gulliver a most desolate wanderer in most dread and dangerous
regions I closed the book which I dared no longer peruse and put it on the
table beside the untasted tart
Bessie had now finished dusting and tidying the room and having washed her
hands she opened a certain little drawer full of splendid shreds of silk and
satin and began making a new bonnet for Georgianas doll Meantime she sang
her song was
»In the days when we went gipsying
A long time ago«
I had often heard the song before and always with lively delight for Bessie
had a sweet voice at least I thought so But now though her voice was still
sweet I found in its melody an indescribable sadness Sometimes preoccupied
with her work she sang the refrain very low very lingerly »A long time ago«
came out like the saddest cadence of a funeral hymn She passed into another
ballad this time a really doleful one
»My feet they are sore and my limbs they are weary
Long is the way and the mountains are wild
Soon will the twilight close moonless and dreary
Over the path of the poor orphan child
Why did they send me so far and so lonely
Up where the moors spread and grey rocks are piled
Men are hardhearted and kind angels only
Watch oer the steps of a poor orphan child
Yet distant and soft the nightbreeze is blowing
Clouds there are none and clear stars beam mild
God in His mercy protection is showing
Comfort and hope to the poor orphan child
Evn should I fall oer the broken bridge passing
Or stray in the marshes by false lights beguiled
Still will my Father with promise and blessing
Take to His bosom the poor orphan child
There is a thought that for strength should avail me
Though both of shelter and kindred despoiled
Heaven is a home and a rest will not fail me
God is a friend to the poor orphan child«
»Come Miss Jane dont cry« said Bessie as she finished She might as well
have said to the fire »dont burn« but how could she divine the morbid
suffering to which I was a prey In the course of the morning Mr Lloyd came
again
»What already up« said he as he entered the nursery »Well nurse how is
she«
Bessie answered that I was doing very well
»Then she ought to look more cheerful Come here Miss Jane your name is
Jane is it not«
»Yes sir Jane Eyre«
»Well you have been crying Miss Jane Eyre can you tell me what about
Have you any pain«
»No sir«
»Oh I daresay she is crying because she could not go out with Missis in the
carriage« interposed Bessie
»Surely not why she is too old for such pettishness«
I thought so too and my selfesteem being wounded by the false charge I
answered promptly »I never cried for such a thing in my life I hate going out
in the carriage I cry because I am miserable«
»Oh fie Miss« said Bessie
The good apothecary appeared a little puzzled I was standing before him he
fixed his eyes on me very steadily his eyes were small and grey not very
bright but I daresay I should think them shrewd now he had a hardfeatured yet
goodnatured looking face Having considered me at leisure he said
»What made you ill yesterday«
»She had a fall« said Bessie again putting in her word
»Fall why that is like a baby again Cant she manage to walk at her age
She must be eight or nine years old«
»I was knocked down« was the blunt explanation jerked out of me by another
pang of mortified pride »but that did not make me ill« I added while Mr
Lloyd helped himself to a pinch of snuff
As he was returning the box to his waistcoat pocket a loud bell rang for
the servants dinner he knew what it was »Thats for you nurse« said he
»you can go down Ill give Miss Jane a lecture till you come back«
Bessie would rather have stayed but she was obliged to go because
punctuality at meals was rigidly enforced at Gateshead Hall
»The fall did not make you ill what did then« pursued Mr Lloyd when
Bessie was gone
»I was shut up in a room where there is a ghost till after dark«
I saw Mr Lloyd smile and frown at the same time »Ghost What you are a
baby after all You are afraid of ghosts«
»Of Mr Reeds ghost I am he died in that room and was laid out there
Neither Bessie nor any one else will go into it at night if they can help it
and it was cruel to shut me up alone without a candle so cruel that I think I
shall never forget it«
»Nonsense And is it that makes you so miserable Are you afraid now in
daylight«
»No but night will come again before long and besides I am unhappy
very unhappy for other things«
»What other things Can you tell me some of them«
How much I wished to reply fully to this question How difficult it was to
frame any answer Children can feel but they cannot analyze their feelings and
if the analysis is partially effected in thought they know not how to express
the result of the process in words Fearful however of losing this first and
only opportunity of relieving my grief by imparting it I after a disturbed
pause contrived to frame a meagre though as far as it went true response
»For one thing I have no father or mother brothers or sisters«
»You have a kind aunt and cousins«
Again I paused then bunglingly enounced
»But John Reed knocked me down and my aunt shut me up in the redroom«
Mr Lloyd a second time produced his snuffbox
»Dont you think Gateshead Hall a very beautiful house« asked he »Are you
not very thankful to have such a fine place to live at«
»It is not my house sir and Abbot says I have less right to be here than a
servant«
»Pooh you cant be silly enough to wish to leave such a splendid place«
»If I had anywhere else to go I should be glad to leave it but I can never
get away from Gateshead till I am a woman«
»Perhaps you may who knows Have you any relations besides Mrs Reed«
»I think not sir«
»None belonging to your father«
»I dont know I asked aunt Reed once and she said possibly I might have
some poor low relations called Eyre but she knew nothing about them«
»If you had such would you like to go to them«
I reflected Poverty looks grim to grown people still more so to children
they have not much idea of industrious working respectable poverty they think
of the word only as connected with ragged clothes scanty food fireless grates
rude manners and debasing vices poverty for me was synonymous with
degradation
»No I should not like to belong to poor people« was my reply
»Not even if they were kind to you«
I shook my head I could not see how poor people had the means of being
kind and then to learn to speak like them to adopt their manners to be
uneducated to grow up like one of the poor women I saw sometimes nursing their
children or washing their clothes at the cottage doors of the village of
Gateshead no I was not heroic enough to purchase liberty at the price of
caste
»But are your relatives so very poor Are they working people«
»I cannot tell Aunt Reed says if I have any they must be a beggarly set I
should not like to go a begging«
»Would you like to go to school«
Again I reflected I scarcely knew what school was Bessie sometimes spoke
of it as a place where young ladies sat in the stocks wore backboards and were
expected to be exceedingly genteel and precise John Reed hated his school and
abused his master but John Reeds tastes were no rule for mine and if Bessies
accounts of schooldiscipline gathered from the young ladies of a family where
she had lived before coming to Gateshead were somewhat appalling her details
of certain accomplishments attained by these same young ladies were I thought
equally attractive She boasted of beautiful paintings of landscapes and flowers
by them executed of songs they could sing and pieces they could play of purses
they could net of French books they could translate till my spirit was moved
to emulation as I listened Besides school would be a complete change it
implied a long journey an entire separation from Gateshead an entrance into a
new life
»I should indeed like to go to school« was the audible conclusion of my
musings
»Well well who knows what may happen« said Mr Lloyd as he got up »The
child ought to have change of air and scene« he added speaking to himself
»nerves not in a good state«
Bessie now returned at the same moment the carriage was heard rolling up
the gravelwalk
»Is that your mistress nurse« asked Mr Lloyd »I should like to speak to
her before I go«
Bessie invited him to walk into the breakfastroom and led the way out In
the interview which followed between him and Mrs Reed I presume from
afteroccurrences that the apothecary ventured to recommend my being sent to
school and the recommendation was no doubt readily enough adopted for as Abbot
said in discussing the subject with Bessie when both sat sewing in the nursery
one night after I was in bed and as they thought asleep »Missis was she
dared say glad enough to get rid of such a tiresome illconditioned child who
always looked as if she were watching everybody and scheming plots underhand«
Abbot I think gave me credit for being a sort of infantine Guy Fawkes
On that same occasion I learned for the first time from Miss Abbots
communications to Bessie that my father had been a poor clergyman that my
mother had married him against the wishes of her friends who considered the
match beneath her that my grandfather Reed was so irritated at her
disobedience he cut her off without a shilling that after my mother and father
had been married a year the latter caught the typhus fever while visiting among
the poor of a large manufacturing town where his curacy was situated and where
that disease was then prevalent that my mother took the infection from him and
both died within a month of each other
Bessie when she heard this narrative sighed and said »Poor Miss Jane is
to be pitied too Abbot«
»Yes« responded Abbot »if she were a nice pretty child one might
compassionate her forlornness but one really cannot care for such a little toad
as that«
»Not a great deal to be sure« agreed Bessie »at any rate a beauty like
Miss Georgiana would be more moving in the same condition«
»Yes I doat on Miss Georgiana« cried the fervent Abbot »Little darling
with her long curls and her blue eyes and such a sweet colour as she has just
as if she were painted Bessie I could fancy a Welsh rabbit for supper«
»So could I with a roast onion Come well go down« They went
Chapter IV
From my discourse with Mr Lloyd and from the above reported conference between
Bessie and Abbot I gathered enough of hope to suffice as a motive for wishing
to get well a change seemed near I desired and waited it in silence It
tarried however days and weeks passed I had regained my normal state of
health but no new allusion was made to the subject over which I brooded Mrs
Reed surveyed me at times with a severe eye but seldom addressed me since my
illness she had drawn a more marked line of separation than ever between me and
her own children appointing me a small closet to sleep in by myself condemning
me to take my meals alone and pass all my time in the nursery while my cousins
were constantly in the drawingroom Not a hint however did she drop about
sending me to school still I felt an instinctive certainty that she would not
long endure me under the same roof with her for her glance now more than ever
when turned on me expressed an insuperable and rooted aversion
Eliza and Georgiana evidently acting according to orders spoke to me as
little as possible John thrust his tongue in his cheek whenever he saw me and
once attempted chastisement but as I instantly turned against him roused by
the same sentiment of deep ire and desperate revolt which had stirred my
corruption before he thought it better to desist and ran from me uttering
execrations and vowing I had burst his nose I had indeed levelled at that
prominent feature as hard a blow as my knuckles could inflict and when I saw
that either that or my look daunted him I had the greatest inclination to
follow up my advantage to purpose but he was already with his mama I heard him
in a blubbering tone commence the tale of how »that nasty Jane Eyre« had flown
at him like a mad cat he was stopped rather harshly
»Dont talk to me about her John I told you not to go near her she is not
worthy of notice I do not choose that either you or your sisters should
associate with her«
Here leaning over the banister I cried out suddenly and without at all
deliberating on my words
»They are not fit to associate with me«
Mrs Reed was rather a stout woman but on hearing this strange and
audacious declaration she ran nimbly up the stair swept me like a whirlwind
into the nursery and crushing me down on the edge of my crib dared me in an
emphatic voice to rise from that place or utter one syllable during the
remainder of the day
»What would uncle Reed say to you if he were alive« was my scarcely
voluntary demand I say scarcely voluntary for it seemed as if my tongue
pronounced words without my will consenting to their utterance something spoke
out of me over which I had no control
»What« said Mrs Reed under her breath her usually cold composed grey eye
became troubled with a look like fear she took her hand from my arm and gazed
at me as if she really did not know whether I were child or fiend I was now in
for it
»My uncle Reed is in heaven and can see all you do and think and so can
papa and mama they know how you shut me up all day long and how you wish me
dead«
Mrs Reed soon rallied her spirits she shook me most soundly she boxed
both my ears and then left me without a word Bessie supplied the hiatus by a
homily of an hours length in which she proved beyond a doubt that I was the
most wicked and abandoned child ever reared under a roof I half believed her
for I felt indeed only bad feelings surging in my breast
November December and half of January passed away Christmas and the New
Year had been celebrated at Gateshead with the usual festive cheer presents had
been interchanged dinners and evening parties given From every enjoyment I
was of course excluded my share of the gaiety consisted in witnessing the
daily apparelling of Eliza and Georgiana and seeing them descend to the
drawingroom dressed out in thin muslin frocks and scarlet sashes with hair
elaborately ringletted and afterwards in listening to the sound of the piano
or the harp played below to the passing to and fro of the butler and footman
to the jingling of glass and china as refreshments were handed to the broken
hum of conversation as the drawingroom doors opened and closed When tired of
this occupation I would retire from the stairhead to the solitary and silent
nursery there though somewhat sad I was not miserable To speak truth I had
not the least wish to go into company for in company I was very rarely noticed
and if Bessie had but been kind and companionable I should have deemed it a
treat to spend the evenings quietly with her instead of passing them under the
formidable eye of Mrs Reed in a room full of ladies and gentlemen But Bessie
as soon as she had dressed her young ladies used to take herself off to the
lively regions of the kitchen and housekeepers room generally bearing the
candle along with her I then sat with my doll on my knee till the fire got
low glancing round occasionally to make sure that nothing worse than myself
haunted the shadowy room and when the embers sank to a dull red I undressed
hastily tugging at knots and strings as I best might and sought shelter from
cold and darkness in my crib To this crib I always took my doll human beings
must love something and in the dearth of worthier objects of affection I
contrived to find a pleasure in loving and cherishing a faded graven image
shabby as a miniature scarecrow It puzzles me now to remember with what absurd
sincerity I doated on this little toy halffancying it alive and capable of
sensation I could not sleep unless it was folded in my nightgown and when it
lay there safe and warm I was comparatively happy believing it to be happy
likewise
Long did the hours seem while I waited the departure of the company and
listened for the sound of Bessies step on the stairs sometimes she would come
up in the interval to seek her thimble or her scissors or perhaps to bring me
something by way of supper a bun or a cheesecake then she would sit on the
bed while I ate it and when I had finished she would tuck the clothes round
me and twice she kissed me and said »Goodnight Miss Jane« When thus
gentle Bessie seemed to me the best prettiest kindest being in the world and
I wished most intensely that she would always be so pleasant and amiable and
never push me about or scold or task me unreasonably as she was too often
wont to do Bessie Lee must I think have been a girl of good natural capacity
for she was smart in all she did and had a remarkable knack of narrative so
at least I judge from the impression made on me by her nursery tales She was
pretty too if my recollections of her face and person are correct I remember
her as a slim young woman with black hair dark eyes very nice features and
good clear complexion but she had a capricious and hasty temper and
indifferent ideas of principle or justice still such as she was I preferred
her to any one else at Gateshead Hall
It was the fifteenth of January about nine oclock in the morning Bessie
was gone down to breakfast my cousins had not yet been summoned to their mama
Eliza was putting on her bonnet and warm gardencoat to go and feed her poultry
an occupation of which she was fond and not less so of selling the eggs to the
housekeeper and hoarding up the money she thus obtained She had a turn for
traffic and a marked propensity for saving shown not only in the vending of
eggs and chickens but also in driving hard bargains with the gardener about
flowerroots seeds and slips of plants that functionary having orders from
Mrs Reed to buy of his young lady all the products of her parterre she wished
to sell and Eliza would have sold the hair off her head if she could have made
a handsome profit thereby As to her money she first secreted it in odd
corners wrapped in a rag or an old curlpaper but some of these hoards having
been discovered by the housemaid Eliza fearful of one day losing her valued
treasure consented to intrust it to her mother at a usurious rate of interest
fifty or sixty per cent which interest she exacted every quarter keeping
her accounts in a little book with anxious accuracy
Georgiana sat on a high stool dressing her hair at the glass and
interweaving her curls with artificial flowers and faded feathers of which she
had found a store in a drawer in the attic I was making my bed having received
strict orders from Bessie to get it arranged before she returned for Bessie now
frequently employed me as a sort of under nurserymaid to tidy the room dust
the chairs etc Having spread the quilt and folded my nightdress I went to
the windowseat to put in order some picturebooks and dolls house furniture
scattered there an abrupt command from Georgiana to let her playthings alone
for the tiny chairs and mirrors the fairy plates and cups were her property
stopped my proceedings and then for lack of other occupation I fell to
breathing on the frostflowers with which the window was fretted and thus
clearing a space in the glass through which I might look out on the grounds
where all was still and petrified under the influence of a hard frost
From this window were visible the porters lodge and the carriageroad and
just as I had dissolved so much of the silverwhite foliage veiling the panes
as left room to look out I saw the gates thrown open and a carriage roll
through I watched it ascending the drive with indifference carriages often
came to Gateshead but none ever brought visitors in whom I was interested it
stopped in front of the house the doorbell rang loudly the new comer was
admitted All this being nothing to me my vacant attention soon found livelier
attraction in the spectacle of a little hungry robin which came and chirruped
on the twigs of the leafless cherrytree nailed against the wall near the
casement The remains of my breakfast of bread and milk stood on the table and
having crumbled a morsel of roll I was tugging at the sash to put out the
crumbs on the windowsill when Bessie came running up stairs into the nursery
»Miss Jane take off your pinafore what are you doing there Have you
washed your hands and face this morning« I gave another tug before I answered
for I wanted the bird to be secure of its bread the sash yielded I scattered
the crumbs some on the stone sill some on the cherrytree bough then closing
the window I replied
»No Bessie I have only just finished dusting«
»Troublesome careless child and what are you doing now You look quite red
as if you had been about some mischief what were you opening the window for«
I was spared the trouble of answering for Bessie seemed in too great a
hurry to listen to explanations she hauled me to the washstand inflicted a
merciless but happily brief scrub on my face and hands with soap water and a
coarse towel disciplined my head with a bristly brush denuded me of my
pinafore and then hurrying me to the top of the stairs bid me go down
directly as I was wanted in the breakfastroom
I would have asked who wanted me I would have demanded if Mrs Reed was
there but Bessie was already gone and had closed the nurserydoor upon me I
slowly descended For nearly three months I had never been called to Mrs
Reeds presence restricted so long to the nursery the breakfast dining and
drawing rooms were become for me awful regions on which it dismayed me to
intrude
I now stood in the empty hall before me was the breakfastroom door and I
stopped intimidated and trembling What a miserable little poltroon had fear
engendered of unjust punishment made of me in those days I feared to return to
the nursery I feared to go forward to the parlour ten minutes I stood in
agitated hesitation the vehement ringing of the breakfastroom bell decided me
I must enter
»Who could want me« I asked inwardly as with both hands I turned the stiff
doorhandle which for a second or two resisted my efforts »What should I see
besides aunt Reed in the apartment a man or a woman« The handle turned the
door unclosed and passing through and curtseying low I looked up at a black
pillar such at least appeared to me at first sight the straight narrow
sableclad shape standing erect on the rug the grim face at the top was like a
carved mask placed above the shaft by way of capital
Mrs Reed occupied her usual seat by the fireside she made a signal to me
to approach I did so and she introduced me to the stony stranger with the
words »This is the little girl respecting whom I applied to you«
He for it was a man turned his head slowly towards where I stood and
having examined me with the two inquisitivelooking grey eyes which twinkled
under a pair of bushy brows said solemnly and in a bass voice »Her size is
small what is her age«
»Ten years«
»So much« was the doubtful answer and he prolonged his scrutiny for some
minutes Presently he addressed me
»Your name little girl«
»Jane Eyre sir«
In uttering these words I looked up he seemed to me a tall gentleman but
then I was very little his features were large and they and all the lines of
his frame were equally harsh and prim
»Well Jane Eyre and are you a good child«
Impossible to reply to this in the affirmative my little world held a
contrary opinion I was silent Mrs Reed answered for me by an expressive shake
of the head adding soon »Perhaps the less said on that subject the better Mr
Brocklehurst«
»Sorry indeed to hear it she and I must have some talk« and bending from
the perpendicular he installed his person in the armchair opposite Mrs
Reeds »Come here« he said
I stepped across the rug he placed me square and straight before him What
a face he had now that it was almost on a level with mine what a great nose
and what a mouth and what large prominent teeth
»No sight so sad as that of a naughty child« he began »especially a
naughty little girl Do you know where the wicked go after death«
»They go to hell« was my ready and orthodox answer
»And what is hell Can you tell me that«
»A pit full of fire«
»And should you like to fall into that pit and to be burning there for
ever«
»No sir«
»What must you do to avoid it«
I deliberated a moment my answer when it did come was objectionable »I
must keep in good health and not die«
»How can you keep in good health Children younger than you die daily I
buried a little child of five years old only a day or two since a good little
child whose soul is now in heaven It is to be feared the same could not be
said of you were you to be called hence«
Not being in a condition to remove his doubt I only cast my eyes down on
the two large feet planted on the rug and sighed wishing myself far enough
away
»I hope that sigh is from the heart and that you repent of ever having been
the occasion of discomfort to your excellent benefactress«
»Benefactress benefactress« said I inwardly »they all call Mrs Reed my
benefactress if so a benefactress is a disagreeable thing«
»Do you say your prayers night and morning« continued my interrogator
»Yes sir«
»Do you read your bible«
»Sometimes«
»With pleasure Are you fond of it«
»I like Revelations and the book of Daniel and Genesis and Samuel and a
little bit of Exodus and some parts of Kings and Chronicles and Job and
Jonah«
»And the Psalms I hope you like them«
»No sir«
»No oh shocking I have a little boy younger than you who knows six
Psalms by heart and when you ask him which he would rather have a ginger
breadnut to eat or a verse of a Psalm to learn he says Oh the verse of a
Psalm angels sing Psalms says he I wish to be a little angel here below he
then gets two nuts in recompense for his infant piety«
»Psalms are not interesting« I remarked
»That proves you have a wicked heart and you must pray to God to change it
to give you a new and a clean one to take away your heart of stone and give you
a heart of flesh«
I was about to propound a question touching the manner in which that
operation of changing my heart was to be performed when Mrs Reed interposed
telling me to sit down she then proceeded to carry on the conversation herself
»Mr Brocklehurst I believe I intimated in the letter which I wrote to you
three weeks ago that this little girl has not quite the character and
disposition I could wish should you admit her into Lowood school I should be
glad if the superintendent and teachers were requested to keep a strict eye on
her and above all to guard against her worst fault a tendency to deceit I
mention this in your hearing Jane that you may not attempt to impose on Mr
Brocklehurst«
Well might I dread well might I dislike Mrs Reed for it was her nature to
wound me cruelly never was I happy in her presence however carefully I obeyed
however strenuously I strove to please her my efforts were still repulsed and
repaid by such sentences as the above Now uttered before a stranger the
accusation cut me to the heart I dimly perceived that she was already
obliterating hope from the new phase of existence which she destined me to
enter I felt though I could not have expressed the feeling that she was
sowing aversion and unkindness along my future path I saw myself transformed
under Mr Brocklehursts eye into an artful noxious child and what could I do
to remedy the injury
»Nothing indeed« thought I as I struggled to repress a sob and hastily
wiped away some tears the impotent evidences of my anguish
»Deceit is indeed a sad fault in a child« said Mr Brocklehurst »it is
akin to falsehood and all liars will have their portion in the lake burning
with fire and brimstone she shall however be watched Mrs Reed I will speak
to Miss Temple and the teachers«
»I should wish her to be brought up in a manner suiting her prospects«
continued my benefactress »to be made useful to be kept humble as for the
vacations she will with your permission spend them always at Lowood«
»Your decisions are perfectly judicious madam« returned Mr Brocklehurst
»Humility is a Christian grace and one peculiarly appropriate to the pupils of
Lowood I therefore direct that especial care shall be bestowed on its
cultivation amongst them I have studied how best to mortify in them the worldly
sentiment of pride and only the other day I had a pleasing proof of my
success My second daughter Augusta went with her mama to visit the school
and on her return she exclaimed Oh dear papa how quiet and plain all the
girls at Lowood look with their hair combed behind their ears and their long
pinafores and those little holland pockets outside their frocks they are
almost like poor peoples children and said she they looked at my dress and
mamas as if they had never seen a silk gown before«
»This is the state of things I quite approve« returned Mrs Reed »had I
sought all England over I could scarcely have found a system more exactly
fitting a child like Jane Eyre Consistency my dear Mr Brocklehurst I
advocate consistency in all things«
»Consistency madam is the first of Christian duties and it has been
observed in every arrangement connected with the establishment of Lowood plain
fare simple attire unsophisticated accommodations hardy and active habits
such is the order of the day in the house and its inhabitants«
»Quite right sir I may then depend upon this child being received as a
pupil at Lowood and there being trained in conformity to her position and
prospects«
»Madam you may she shall be placed in that nursery of chosen plants and
I trust she will show herself grateful for the inestimable privilege of her
election«
»I will send her then as soon as possible Mr Brocklehurst for I assure
you I feel anxious to be relieved of a responsibility that was becoming too
irksome«
»No doubt no doubt madam and now I wish you good morning I shall return
to Brocklehursthall in the course of a week or two my good friend the
Archdeacon will not permit me to leave him sooner I shall send Miss Temple
notice that she is to expect a new girl so that there will be no difficulty
about receiving her Goodbye«
»Goodbye Mr Brocklehurst remember me to Mrs and Miss Brocklehurst and
to Augusta and Theodore and Master Broughton Brocklehurst«
»I will madam Little girl here is a book entitled the Childs Guide read
it with prayer especially that part containing an account of the awfully sudden
death of Martha G a naughty child addicted to falsehood and deceit«
With these words Mr Brocklehurst put into my hand a thin pamphlet sewn in a
cover and having rung for his carriage he departed
Mrs Reed and I were left alone some minutes passed in silence she was
sewing I was watching her Mrs Reed might be at that time some six or seven
and thirty she was a woman of robust frame square shouldered and
stronglimbed not tall and though stout not obese she had a somewhat large
face the underjaw being much developed and very solid her brow was low her
chin large and prominent mouth and nose sufficiently regular under her light
eyebrows glimmered an eye devoid of ruth her skin was dark and opaque her
hair nearly flaxen her constitution was sound as a bell illness never came
near her she was an exact clever manager her household and tenantry were
thoroughly under her control her children only at times defied her authority
and laughed it to scorn she dressed well and had a presence and port
calculated to set off handsome attire
Sitting on a low stool a few yards from her armchair I examined her
figure I perused her features In my hand I held the tract containing the
sudden death of the Liar to which narrative my attention had been pointed as to
an appropriate warning What had just passed what Mrs Reed had said concerning
me to Mr Brocklehurst the whole tenor of their conversation was recent raw
and stinging in my mind I had felt every word as acutely as I had heard it
plainly and a passion of resentment fomented now within me
Mrs Reed looked up from her work her eye settled on mine her fingers at
the same time suspended their nimble movements
»Go out of the room return to the nursery« was her mandate My look or
something else must have struck her as offensive for she spoke with extreme
though suppressed irritation I got up I went to the door I came back again I
walked to the window across the room then close up to her
Speak I must I had been trodden on severely and must turn but how What
strength had I to dart retaliation at my antagonist I gathered my energies and
launched them in this blunt sentence
»I am not deceitful if I were I should say I loved you but I declare I do
not love you I dislike you the worst of anybody in the world except John Reed
and this book about the liar you may give to your girl Georgiana for it is
she who tells lies and not I«
Mrs Reeds hands still lay on her work inactive her eye of ice continued
to dwell freezingly on mine
»What more have you to say« she asked rather in the tone in which a person
might address an opponent of adult age than such as is ordinarily used to a
child
That eye of hers that voice stirred every antipathy I had Shaking from
head to foot thrilled with ungovernable excitement I continued
»I am glad you are no relation of mine I will never call you aunt again as
long as I live I will never come to see you when I am grown up and if any one
asks me how I liked you and how you treated me I will say the very thought of
you makes me sick and that you treated me with miserable cruelty«
»How dare you affirm that Jane Eyre«
»How dare I Mrs Reed How dare I Because it is the truth You think I
have no feelings and that I can do without one bit of love or kindness but I
cannot live so and you have no pity I shall remember how you thrust me back
roughly and violently thrust me back into the redroom and locked me up
there to my dying day though I was in agony though I cried out while
suffocating with distress Have mercy Have mercy aunt Reed And that
punishment you made me suffer because your wicked boy struck me knocked me
down for nothing I will tell anybody who asks me questions this exact tale
People think you a good woman but you are bad hardhearted You are
deceitful«
Ere I had finished this reply my soul began to expand to exult with the
strangest sense of freedom of triumph I ever felt It seemed as if an
invisible bond had burst and that I had struggled out into unhopedfor liberty
Not without cause was this sentiment Mrs Reed looked frightened her work had
slipped from her knee she was lifting up her hands rocking herself to and fro
and even twisting her face as if she would cry
»Jane you are under a mistake what is the matter with you Why do you
tremble so violently Would you like to drink some water«
»No Mrs Reed«
»Is there anything else you wish for Jane I assure you I desire to be
your friend«
»Not you You told Mr Brocklehurst I had a bad character a deceitful
disposition and Ill let everybody at Lowood know what you are and what you
have done«
»Jane you dont understand these things children must be corrected for
their faults«
»Deceit is not my fault« I cried out in a savage high voice
»But you are passionate Jane that you must allow and now return to the
nursery theres a dear and lie down a little«
»I am not your dear I cannot lie down send me to school soon Mrs Reed
for I hate to live here«
»I will indeed send her to school soon« murmured Mrs Reed sotto voce and
gathering up her work she abruptly quitted the apartment
I was left there alone winner of the field It was the hardest battle I
had fought and the first victory I had gained I stood awhile on the rug where
Mr Brocklehurst had stood and I enjoyed my conquerors solitude First I
smiled to myself and felt elate but this fierce pleasure subsided in me as fast
as did the accelerated throb of my pulses A child cannot quarrel with its
elders as I had done cannot give its furious feelings uncontrolled play as I
had given mine without experiencing afterwards the pang of remorse and the
chill of reaction A ridge of lighted heath alive glancing devouring would
have been a meet emblem of my mind when I accused and menaced Mrs Reed the
same ridge black and blasted after the flames are dead would have represented
as meetly my subsequent condition when half an hours silence and reflection
had shown me the madness of my conduct and the dreariness of my hated and
hating position
Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time as aromatic wine it
seemed on swallowing warm and racy its afterflavour metallic and corroding
gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned Willingly would I now have gone
and asked Mrs Reeds pardon but I knew partly from experience and partly from
instinct that was the way to make her repulse me with double scorn thereby
reexciting every turbulent impulse of my nature
I would fain exercise some better faculty than that of fierce speaking fain
find nourishment for some less fiendish feeling than that of sombre indignation
I took a book some Arabian tales I sat down and endeavoured to read I could
make no sense of the subject my own thoughts swam always between me and the
page I had usually found fascinating I opened the glassdoor in the
breakfastroom the shrubbery was quite still the black frost reigned unbroken
by sun or breeze through the grounds I covered my head and arms with the skirt
of my frock and went out to walk in a part of the plantation which was quite
sequestered but I found no pleasure in the silent trees the falling fircones
the congealed relics of autumn russet leaves swept by past winds in heaps and
now stiffened together I leaned against a gate and looked into an empty field
where no sheep were feeding where the short grass was nipped and blanched It
was a very gray day a most opaque sky onding on snaw canopied all thence
flakes fell at intervals which settled on the hard path and on the hoary lea
without melting I stood a wretched child enough whispering to myself over and
over again »What shall I do what shall I do«
All at once I heard a clear voice call »Miss Jane where are you Come to
lunch«
It was Bessie I knew well enough but I did not stir her light step came
tripping down the path
»You naughty little thing« she said »Why dont you come when you are
called«
Bessies presence compared with the thoughts over which I had been
brooding seemed cheerful even though as usual she was somewhat cross The
fact is after my conflict with and victory over Mrs Reed I was not disposed
to care much for the nursemaids transitory anger and I was disposed to bask in
her youthful lightness of heart I just put my two arms round her and said
»Come Bessie dont scold«
The action was more frank and fearless than any I was habituated to indulge
in somehow it pleased her
»You are a strange child Miss Jane« she said as she looked down at me »a
little roving solitary thing and you are going to school I suppose«
I nodded
»And wont you be sorry to leave poor Bessie«
»What does Bessie care for me She is always scolding me«
»Because youre such a queer frightened shy little thing You should be
bolder«
»What to get more knocks«
»Nonsense But you are rather put upon thats certain My mother said when
she came to see me last week that she would not like a little one of her own to
be in your place Now come in and Ive some good news for you«
»I dont think you have Bessie«
»Child what do you mean What sorrowful eyes you fix on me Well but
Missis and the young ladies and Master John are going out to tea this afternoon
and you shall have tea with me Ill ask cook to bake you a little cake and
then you shall help me to look over your drawers for I am soon to pack your
trunk Missis intends you to leave Gateshead in a day or two and you shall
choose what toys you like to take with you«
»Bessie you must promise not to scold me any more till I go«
»Well I will but mind you are a very good girl and dont be afraid of
me Dont start when I chance to speak rather sharply its so provoking«
»I dont think I shall ever be afraid of you again Bessie because I have
got used to you and I shall soon have another set of people to dread«
»If you dread them theyll dislike you«
»As you do Bessie«
»I dont dislike you Miss I believe I am fonder of you than of all the
others«
»You dont show it«
»You little sharp thing youve got quite a new way of talking What makes
you so venturesome and hardy«
»Why I shall soon be away from you and besides « I was going to say
something about what had passed between me and Mrs Reed but on second thoughts
I considered it better to remain silent on that head
»And so youre glad to leave me«
»Not at all Bessie indeed just now I am rather sorry«
»Just now and rather How coolly my little lady says it I daresay now if I
were to ask you for a kiss you wouldnt give it me youd say youd rather not«
»Ill kiss you and welcome bend your head down« Bessie stooped we
mutually embraced and I followed her into the house quite comforted That
afternoon lapsed in peace and harmony and in the evening Bessie told me some of
her most enchaining stories and sang me some of her sweetest songs Even for me
life had its gleams of sunshine
Chapter V
Five oclock had hardly struck on the morning of the 19th of January when
Bessie brought a candle into my closet and found me already up and nearly
dressed I had risen half an hour before her entrance and had washed my face
and put on my clothes by the light of a halfmoon just setting whose rays
streamed through the narrow window near my crib I was to leave Gateshead that
day by a coach which passed the lodge gates at six AM Bessie was the only
person yet risen she had lit a fire in the nursery where she now proceeded to
make my breakfast Few children can eat when excited with the thoughts of a
journey nor could I Bessie having pressed me in vain to take a few spoonfuls
of the boiled milk and bread she had prepared for me wrapped up some biscuits
in a paper and put them into my bag then she helped me on with my pelisse and
bonnet and wrapping herself in a shawl she and I left the nursery As we
passed Mrs Reeds bedroom she said »Will you go in and bid Missis goodbye«
»No Bessie she came to my crib last night when you were gone down to
supper and said I need not disturb her in the morning or my cousins either
and she told me to remember that she had always been my best friend and to
speak of her and be grateful to her accordingly«
»What did you say Miss«
»Nothing I covered my face with the bedclothes and turned from her to the
wall«
»That was wrong Miss Jane«
»It was quite right Bessie your Missis has not been my friend she has
been my foe«
»Oh Miss Jane dont say so«
»Goodbye to Gateshead« cried I as we passed through the hall and went out
at the front door
The moon was set and it was very dark Bessie carried a lantern whose
light glanced on wet steps and gravel road sodden by a recent thaw Raw and
chill was the winter morning my teeth chattered as I hastened down the drive
There was a light in the porters lodge when we reached it we found the
porters wife just kindling her fire my trunk which had been carried down the
evening before stood corded at the door It wanted but a few minutes of six
and shortly after that hour had struck the distant roll of wheels announced the
coming coach I went to the door and watched its lamps approach rapidly through
the gloom
»Is she going by herself« asked the porters wife
»Yes«
»And how far is it«
»Fifty miles«
»What a long way I wonder Mrs Reed is not afraid to trust her so far
alone«
The coach drew up there it was at the gates with its four horses and its
top laden with passengers the guard and coachman loudly urged haste my trunk
was hoisted up I was taken from Bessies neck to which I clung with kisses
»Be sure and take good care of her« cried she to the guard as he lifted me
into the inside
»Ay ay« was the answer the door was slapped to a voice exclaimed »All
right« and on we drove Thus was I severed from Bessie and Gateshead thus
whirled away to unknown and as I then deemed remote and mysterious regions
I remember but little of the journey I only know that the day seemed to me
of a preternatural length and that we appeared to travel over hundreds of miles
of road We passed through several towns and in one a very large one the
coach stopped the horses were taken out and the passengers alighted to dine I
was carried into an inn where the guard wanted me to have some dinner but as
I had no appetite he left me in an immense room with a fireplace at each end
a chandelier pendent from the ceiling and a little red gallery high up against
the wall filled with musical instruments Here I walked about for a long time
feeling very strange and mortally apprehensive of some one coming in and
kidnapping me for I believed in kidnappers their exploits having frequently
figured in Bessies fireside chronicles At last the guard returned once more
I was stowed away in the coach my protector mounted his own seat sounded his
hollow horn and away we rattled over the stony street of L
The afternoon came on wet and somewhat misty as it waned into dusk I began
to feel that we were getting very far indeed from Gateshead we ceased to pass
through towns the country changed great gray hills heaved up round the
horizon as twilight deepened we descended a valley dark with wood and long
after night had overclouded the prospect I heard a wild wind rushing amongst
trees
Lulled by the sound I at last dropped asleep I had not long slumbered when
the sudden cessation of motion awoke me the coachdoor was open and a person
like a servant was standing at it I saw her face and dress by the light of the
lamps
»Is there a little girl called Jane Eyre here« she asked I answered »Yes«
and was then lifted out my trunk was handed down and the coach instantly drove
away
I was stiff with long sitting and bewildered with the noise and motion of
the coach gathering my faculties I looked about me Rain wind and darkness
filled the air nevertheless I dimly discerned a wall before me and a door open
in it through this door I passed with my new guide she shut and locked it
behind her There was now visible a house or houses for the building spread
far with many windows and lights burning in some we went up a broad pebbly
path splashing wet and were admitted at a door then the servant led me
through a passage into a room with a fire where she left me alone
I stood and warmed my numbed fingers over the blaze then I looked round
there was no candle but the uncertain light from the hearth showed by
intervals papered walls carpet curtains shining mahogany furniture it was a
parlour not so spacious or splendid as the drawingroom at Gateshead but
comfortable enough I was puzzling to make out the subject of a picture on the
wall when the door opened and an individual carrying a light entered another
followed close behind
The first was a tall lady with dark hair dark eyes and a pale and large
forehead her figure was partly enveloped in a shawl her countenance was grave
her bearing erect
»The child is very young to be sent alone« said she putting her candle
down on the table She considered me attentively for a minute or two then
further added
»She had better be put to bed soon she looks tired are you tired« she
asked placing her hand on my shoulder
»A little maam«
»And hungry too no doubt let her have some supper before she goes to bed
Miss Miller Is this the first time you have left your parents to come to
school my little girl«
I explained to her that I had no parents She inquired how long they had
been dead then how old I was what was my name whether I could read write
and sew a little then she touched my cheek gently with her forefinger and
saying »She hoped I should be a good child« dismissed me along with Miss
Miller
The lady I had left might be about twentynine the one who went with me
appeared some years younger the first impressed me by her voice look and air
Miss Miller was more ordinary ruddy in complexion though of a careworn
countenance hurried in gait and action like one who had always a multiplicity
of tasks on hand she looked indeed what I afterwards found she really was an
underteacher Led by her I passed from compartment to compartment from
passage to passage of a large and irregular building till emerging from the
total and somewhat dreary silence pervading that portion of the house we had
traversed we came upon the hum of many voices and presently entered a wide
long room with great deal tables two at each end on each of which burnt a
pair of candles and seated all round on benches a congregation of girls of
every age from nine or ten to twenty Seen by the dim light of the dips their
number to me appeared countless though not in reality exceeding eighty they
were uniformly dressed in brown stuff frocks of quaint fashion and long holland
pinafores It was the hour of study they were engaged in conning over their
tomorrows task and the hum I had heard was the combined result of their
whispered repetitions
Miss Miller signed to me to sit on a bench near the door then walking up to
the top of the long room she cried out
»Monitors collect the lessonbooks and put them away«
Four tall girls arose from different tables and going round gathered the
books and removed them Miss Miller again gave the word of command
»Monitors fetch the suppertrays«
The tall girls went out and returned presently each bearing a tray with
portions of something I knew not what arranged thereon and a pitcher of water
and mug in the middle of each tray The portions were handed round those who
liked took a draught of the water the mug being common to all When it came to
my turn I drank for I was thirsty but did not touch the food excitement and
fatigue rendering me incapable of eating I now saw however that it was a thin
oaten cake shared into fragments
The meal over prayers were read by Miss Miller and the classes filed off
two and two up stairs Overpowered by this time with weariness I scarcely
noticed what sort of a place the bedroom was except that like the
schoolroom I saw it was very long Tonight I was to be Miss Millers
bedfellow she helped me to undress when laid down I glanced at the long rows
of beds each of which was quickly filled with two occupants in ten minutes the
single light was extinguished amidst silence and complete darkness I fell
asleep
The night passed rapidly I was too tired even to dream I only once awoke
to hear the wind rave in furious gusts and the rain fall in torrents and to be
sensible that Miss Miller had taken her place by my side When I again unclosed
my eyes a loud bell was ringing the girls were up and dressing day had not
yet begun to dawn and a rushlight or two burnt in the room I too rose
reluctantly it was bitter cold and I dressed as well as I could for shivering
and washed when there was a basin at liberty which did not occur soon as there
was but one basin to six girls on the stands down the middle of the room Again
the bell rang all formed in file two and two and in that order descended the
stairs and entered the cold and dimlylit schoolroom here prayers were read by
Miss Miller afterwards she called out
»Form classes«
A great tumult succeeded for some minutes during which Miss Miller
repeatedly exclaimed »Silence« and »Order« When it subsided I saw them all
drawn up in four semicircles before four chairs placed at the four tables all
held books in their hands and a great book like a Bible lay on each table
before the vacant seat A pause of some seconds succeeded filled up by the low
vague hum of numbers Miss Miller walked from class to class hushing this
indefinite sound
A distant bell tinkled immediately three ladies entered the room each
walked to a table and took her seat Miss Miller assumed the fourth vacant
chair which was that nearest the door and around which the smallest of the
children were assembled to this inferior class I was called and placed at the
bottom of it
Business now began the days Collect was repeated then certain texts of
scripture were said and to these succeeded a protracted reading of chapters in
the Bible which lasted an hour By the time that exercise was terminated day
had fully dawned The indefatigable bell now sounded for the fourth time the
classes were marshalled and marched into another room to breakfast how glad I
was to behold a prospect of getting something to eat I was now nearly sick from
inanition having taken so little the day before
The refectory was a great lowceiled gloomy room on two long tables smoked
basins of something hot which however to my dismay sent forth an odour far
from inviting I saw a universal manifestation of discontent when the fumes of
the repast met the nostrils of those destined to swallow it from the van of the
procession the tall girls of the first class rose the whispered words
»Disgusting The porridge is burnt again«
»Silence« ejaculated a voice not that of Miss Miller but one of the upper
teachers a little and dark personage smartly dressed but of somewhat morose
aspect who installed herself at the top of one table while a more buxom lady
presided at the other I looked in vain for her I had first seen the night
before she was not visible Miss Miller occupied the foot of the table where I
sat and a strange foreign looking elderly lady the French teacher as I
afterwards found took the corresponding seat at the other board A long grace
was said and a hymn sung then a servant brought in some tea for the teachers
and the meal began
Ravenous and now very faint I devoured a spoonful or two of my portion
without thinking of its taste but the first edge of hunger blunted I perceived
I had got in hand a nauseous mess burnt porridge is almost as bad as rotten
potatoes famine itself soon sickens over it The spoons were moved slowly I
saw each girl taste her food and try to swallow it but in most cases the effort
was soon relinquished Breakfast was over and none had breakfasted Thanks
being returned for what we had not got and a second hymn chanted the refectory
was evacuated for the schoolroom I was one of the last to go out and in
passing the tables I saw one teacher take a basin of the porridge and taste it
she looked at the others all their countenances expressed displeasure and one
of them the stout one whispered
»Abominable stuff How shameful«
A quarter of an hour passed before lessons again began during which the
schoolroom was in a glorious tumult for that space of time it seemed to be
permitted to talk loud and more freely and they used their privilege The whole
conversation ran on the breakfast which one and all abused roundly Poor
things it was the sole consolation they had Miss Miller was now the only
teacher in the room a group of great girls standing about her spoke with
serious and sullen gestures I heard the name of Mr Brocklehurst pronounced by
some lips at which Miss Miller shook her head disapprovingly but she made no
great effort to check the general wrath doubtless she shared in it
A clock in the schoolroom struck nine Miss Miller left her circle and
standing in the middle of the room cried
»Silence To your seats«
Discipline prevailed in five minutes the confused throng was resolved into
order and comparative silence quelled the Babel clamour of tongues The upper
teachers now punctually resumed their posts but still all seemed to wait
Ranged on benches down the sides of the room the eighty girls sat motionless
and erect a quaint assemblage they appeared all with plain locks combed from
their faces not a curl visible in brown dresses made high and surrounded by a
narrow tucker about the throat with little pockets of holland shaped something
like a Highlanders purse tied in front of their frocks and destined to serve
the purpose of a workbag all too wearing woollen stockings and countrymade
shoes fastened with brass buckles Above twenty of those clad in this costume
were fullgrown girls or rather young women it suited them ill and gave an
air of oddity even to the prettiest
I was still looking at them and also at intervals examining the teachers
none of whom precisely pleased me for the stout one was a little coarse the
dark one not a little fierce the foreigner harsh and grotesque and Miss
Miller poor thing looked purple weatherbeaten and overworked when as my
eye wandered from face to face the whole school rose simultaneously as if
moved by a common spring
What was the matter I had heard no order given I was puzzled Ere I had
gathered my wits the classes were again seated but as all eyes were now turned
to one point mine followed the general direction and encountered the personage
who had received me last night She stood at the bottom of the long room on the
hearth for there was a fire at each end she surveyed the two rows of girls
silently and gravely Miss Miller approaching seemed to ask her a question and
having received her answer went back to her place and said aloud
»Monitor of the first class fetch the globes«
While the direction was being executed the lady consulted moved slowly up
the room I suppose I have a considerable organ of Veneration for I retain yet
the sense of admiring awe with which my eyes traced her steps Seen now in
broad daylight she looked tall fair and shapely brown eyes with a benignant
light in their irids and a fine pencilling of long lashes round relieved the
whiteness of her large front on each of her temples her hair of a very dark
brown was clustered in round curls according to the fashion of those times
when neither smooth bands nor long ringlets were in vogue her dress also in
the mode of the day was of purple cloth relieved by a sort of Spanish trimming
of black velvet a gold watch watches were not so common then as now shone at
her girdle Let the reader add to complete the picture refined features a
complexion if pale clear and a stately air and carriage and he will have at
least as clearly as words can give it a correct idea of the exterior of Miss
Temple Maria Temple as I afterwards saw the name written in a prayerbook
entrusted to me to carry to church
The superintendent of Lowood for such was this lady having taken her seat
before a pair of globes placed on one of the tables summoned the first class
round her and commenced giving a lesson in geography the lower classes were
called by the teachers repetitions in history grammar etc went on for an
hour writing and arithmetic succeeded and music lessons were given by Miss
Temple to some of the elder girls The duration of each lesson was measured by
the clock which at last struck twelve The superintendent rose »I have a
word to address to the pupils« said she
The tumult of cessation from lessons was already breaking forth but it sank
at her voice She went on
»You had this morning a breakfast which you could not eat you must be
hungry I have ordered that a lunch of bread and cheese shall be served to
all«
The teachers looked at her with a sort of surprise
»It is to be done on my responsibility« she added in an explanatory tone
to them and immediately afterwards left the room
The bread and cheese was presently brought in and distributed to the high
delight and refreshment of the whole school The order was now given »To the
garden« Each put on a coarse straw bonnet with strings of coloured calico and
a cloak of grey frieze I was similarly equipped and following the stream I
made my way into the open air
The garden was a wide enclosure surrounded with walls so high as to exclude
every glimpse of prospect a covered verandah ran down one side and broad walks
bordered a middle space divided into scores of little beds these beds were
assigned as gardens for the pupils to cultivate and each bed had an owner When
full of flowers they would doubtless look pretty but now at the latter end
of January all was wintry blight and brown decay I shuddered as I stood and
looked round me it was an inclement day for outdoor exercise not positively
rainy but darkened by a drizzling yellow fog all underfoot was still soaking
wet with the floods of yesterday The stronger among the girls ran about and
engaged in active games but sundry pale and thin ones herded together for
shelter and warmth in the verandah and amongst these as the dense mist
penetrated to their shivering frames I heard frequently the sound of a hollow
cough
As yet I had spoken to no one nor did anybody seem to take notice of me I
stood lonely enough but to that feeling of isolation I was accustomed it did
not oppress me much I leant against a pillar of the verandah drew my gray
mantle close about me and trying to forget the cold which nipped me without
and the unsatisfied hunger which gnawed me within delivered myself up to the
employment of watching and thinking My reflections were too undefined and
fragmentary to merit record I hardly yet knew where I was Gateshead and my
past life seemed floated away to an immeasurable distance the present was vague
and strange and of the future I could form no conjecture I looked round the
conventlike garden and then up at the house a large building half of which
seemed gray and old the other half quite new The new part containing the
schoolroom and dormitory was lit by mullioned and latticed windows which gave
it a churchlike aspect a stone tablet over the door bore this inscription
»Lowood Institution This portion was rebuilt AD by Naomi
Brocklehurst of Brocklehurst Hall in this county« »Let your light so shine
before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is
in heaven« St Matt v 16
I read these words over and over again I felt that an explanation belonged
to them and was unable fully to penetrate their import I was still pondering
the signification of Institution and endeavouring to make out a connection
between the first words and the verse of scripture when the sound of a cough
close behind me made me turn my head I saw a girl sitting on a stone bench
near she was bent over a book on the perusal of which she seemed intent from
where I stood I could see the title it was »Rasselas« a name that struck me
as strange and consequently attractive In turning a leaf she happened to look
up and I said to her directly »Is your book interesting« I had already
formed the intention of asking her to lend it to me some day
»I like it« she answered after a pause of a second or two during which
she examined me
»What is it about« I continued I hardly know where I found the hardihood
thus to open a conversation with a stranger the step was contrary to my nature
and habits but I think her occupation touched a chord of sympathy somewhere
for I too liked reading though of a frivolous and childish kind I could not
digest or comprehend the serious or substantial
»You may look at it« replied the girl offering me the book
I did so a brief examination convinced me that the contents were less
taking than the title »Rasselas« looked dull to my trifling taste I saw
nothing about fairies nothing about genii no bright variety seemed spread over
the closelyprinted pages I returned it to her she received it quietly and
without saying anything she was about to relapse into her former studious mood
again I ventured to disturb her
»Can you tell me what the writing on that stone over the door means What
is Lowood Institution«
»This house where you are come to live«
»And why do they call it Institution Is it in any way different from other
schools«
»It is partly a charityschool you and I and all the rest of us are
charitychildren I suppose you are an orphan are not either your father or
your mother dead«
»Both died before I can remember«
»Well all the girls here have lost either one or both parents and this is
called an institution for educating orphans«
»Do we pay no money Do they keep us for nothing«
»We pay or our friends pay fifteen pounds a year for each«
»Then why do they call us charitychildren«
»Because fifteen pounds is not enough for board and teaching and the
deficiency is supplied by subscription«
»Who subscribes«
»Different benevolentminded ladies and gentlemen in this neighbourhood and
in London«
»Who was Naomi Brocklehurst«
»The lady who built the new part of this house as that tablet records and
whose son overlooks and directs everything here«
»Why«
»Because he is treasurer and manager of the establishment«
»Then this house does not belong to that tall lady who wears a watch and
who said we were to have some bread and cheese«
»To Miss Temple Oh no I wish it did she has to answer to Mr
Brocklehurst for all she does Mr Brocklehurst buys all our food and all our
clothes«
»Does he live here«
»No two miles off at a large hall«
»Is he a good man«
»He is a clergyman and is said to do a great deal of good«
»Did you say that tall lady was called Miss Temple«
»Yes«
»And what are the other teachers called«
»The one with red cheeks is called Miss Smith she attends to the work and
cuts out for we make our own clothes our frocks and pelisses and
everything the little one with black hair is Miss Scatcherd she teaches
history and grammar and hears the second class repetitions and the one who
wears a shawl and has a pockethandkerchief tied to her side with a yellow
riband is Madame Pierrot she comes from Lisle in France and teaches French«
»Do you like the teachers«
»Well enough«
»Do you like the little black one and the Madame I cannot pronounce
her name as you do«
»Miss Scatcherd is hasty you must take care not to offend her Madame
Pierrot is not a bad sort of person«
»But Miss Temple is the best isnt she«
»Miss Temple is very good and very clever she is above the rest because
she knows far more than they do«
»Have you been long here«
»Two years«
»Are you an orphan«
»My mother is dead«
»Are you happy here«
»You ask rather too many questions I have given you answers enough for the
present now I want to read«
But at that moment the summons sounded for dinner all reentered the house
The odour which now filled the refectory was scarcely more appetizing than that
which had regaled our nostrils at breakfast the dinner was served in two huge
tinplated vessels whence rose a strong steam redolent of rancid fat I found
the mess to consist of indifferent potatoes and strange shreds of rusty meat
mixed and cooked together Of this preparation a tolerably abundant plateful was
apportioned to each pupil I ate what I could and wondered within myself
whether every days fare would be like this
After dinner we immediately adjourned to the schoolroom lessons
recommenced and were continued till five oclock
The only marked event of the afternoon was that I saw the girl with whom I
had conversed in the verandah dismissed in disgrace by Miss Scatcherd from a
history class and sent to stand in the middle of the large schoolroom The
punishment seemed to me in a high degree ignominious especially for so great a
girl she looked thirteen or upwards I expected she would show signs of great
distress and shame but to my surprise she neither wept nor blushed composed
though grave she stood the central mark of all eyes »How can she bear it so
quietly so firmly« I asked of myself »Were I in her place it seems to me I
should wish the earth to open and swallow me up She looks as if she were
thinking of something beyond her punishment beyond her situation of something
not round nor before her I have heard of daydreams is she in a daydream
now Her eyes are fixed on the floor but I am sure they do not see it her
sight seems turned in gone down into her heart she is looking at what she can
remember I believe not at what is really present I wonder what sort of a girl
she is whether good or naughty«
Soon after five PM we had another meal consisting of a small mug of
coffee and half a slice of brown bread I devoured my bread and drank my coffee
with relish but I should have been glad of as much more I was still hungry
Half an hours recreation succeeded then study then the glass of water and the
piece of oatcake prayers and bed Such was my first day at Lowood
Chapter VI
The next day commenced as before getting up and dressing by rushlight but this
morning we were obliged to dispense with the ceremony of washing the water in
the pitchers was frozen A change had taken place in the weather the preceding
evening and a keen northeast wind whistling through the crevices of our
bedroom windows all night long had made us shiver in our beds and turned the
contents of the ewers to ice
Before the long hour and a half of prayers and Bible reading was over I
felt ready to perish with cold Breakfasttime came at last and this morning
the porridge was not burnt the quality was eatable the quantity small how
small my portion seemed I wished it had been doubled
In the course of the day I was enrolled a member of the fourth class and
regular tasks and occupations were assigned me hitherto I had only been a
spectator of the proceedings at Lowood I was now to become an actor therein At
first being little accustomed to learn by heart the lessons appeared to me
both long and difficult the frequent change from task to task too bewildered
me and I was glad when about three oclock in the afternoon Miss Smith put
into my hands a border of muslin two yards long together with needle thimble
etc and sent me to sit in a quiet corner of the schoolroom with directions
to hem the same At that hour most of the others were sewing likewise but one
class still stood round Miss Scatcherds chair reading and as all was quiet
the subject of their lessons could be heard together with the manner in which
each girl acquitted herself and the animadversions or commendations of Miss
Scatcherd on the performance It was English history among the readers I
observed my acquaintance of the verandah at the commencement of the lesson her
place had been at the top of the class but for some error of pronunciation or
some inattention to stops she was suddenly sent to the very bottom Even in
that obscure position Miss Scatcherd continued to make her an object of
constant notice she was continually addressing to her such phrases as the
following
»Burns« such it seems was her name the girls here were all called by
their surnames as boys are elsewhere »Burns you are standing on the side of
your shoe turn your toes out immediately« »Burns you poke your chin most
unpleasantly draw it in« »Burns I insist on your holding your head up I will
not have you before me in that attitude« etc etc
A chapter having been read through twice the books were closed and the
girls examined The lesson had comprised part of the reign of Charles I and
there were sundry questions about tonnage and poundage and shipmoney which
most of them appeared unable to answer still every little difficulty was
solved instantly when it reached Burns her memory seemed to have retained the
substance of the whole lesson and she was ready with answers on every point I
kept expecting that Miss Scatcherd would praise her attention but instead of
that she suddenly cried out
»You dirty disagreeable girl you have never cleaned your nails this
morning«
Burns made no answer I wondered at her silence
»Why« thought I »does she not explain that she could neither clean her
nails nor wash her face as the water was frozen«
My attention was now called off by Miss Smith desiring me to hold a skein
of thread while she was winding it she talked to me from time to time asking
whether I had ever been at school before whether I could mark stitch knit
etc till she dismissed me I could not pursue my observations on Miss
Scatcherds movements When I returned to my seat that lady was just delivering
an order of which I did not catch the import but Burns immediately left the
class and going into the small inner room where the books were kept returned
in half a minute carrying in her hand a bundle of twigs tied together at one
end This ominous tool she presented to Miss Scatcherd with a respectful
courtesy then she quietly and without being told unloosed her pinafore and
the teacher instantly and sharply inflicted on her neck a dozen strokes with the
bunch of twigs Not a tear rose to Burnss eye and while I paused from my
sewing because my fingers quivered at this spectacle with a sentiment of
unavailing and impotent anger not a feature of her pensive face altered its
ordinary expression
»Hardened girl« exclaimed Miss Scatcherd »nothing can correct you of your
slatternly habits carry the rod away«
Burns obeyed I looked at her narrowly as she emerged from the bookcloset
she was just putting back her handkerchief into her pocket and the trace of a
tear glistened on her thin cheek
The playhour in the evening I thought the pleasantest fraction of the day
at Lowood the bit of bread the draught of coffee swallowed at five oclock had
revived vitality if it had not satisfied hunger the long restraint of the day
was slackened the schoolroom felt warmer than in the morning its fires being
allowed to burn a little more brightly to supply in some measure the place of
candles not yet introduced the ruddy gloaming the licensed uproar the
confusion of many voices gave one a welcome sense of liberty
On the evening of the day on which I had seen Miss Scatcherd flog her pupil
Burns I wandered as usual among the forms and tables and laughing groups
without a companion yet not feeling lonely when I passed the windows I now
and then lifted a blind and looked out it snowed fast a drift was already
forming against the lower panes putting my ear close to the window I could
distinguish from the gleeful tumult within the disconsolate moan of the wind
outside
Probably if I had lately left a good home and kind parents this would have
been the hour when I should most keenly have regretted the separation that wind
would then have saddened my heart this obscure chaos would have disturbed my
peace as it was I derived from both a strange excitement and reckless and
feverish I wished the wind to howl more wildly the gloom to deepen to
darkness and the confusion to rise to clamour
Jumping over forms and creeping under tables I made my way to one of the
fireplaces there kneeling by the high wire fender I found Burns absorbed
silent abstracted from all round her by the companionship of a book which she
read by the dim glare of the embers
»Is it still Rasselas« I asked coming behind her
»Yes« she said »and I have just finished it«
And in five minutes more she shut it up I was glad of this
»Now« thought I »I can perhaps get her to talk« I sat down by her on the
floor
»What is your name besides Burns«
»Helen«
»Do you come a long way from here«
»I come from a place further north quite on the borders of Scotland«
»Will you ever go back«
»I hope so but nobody can be sure of the future«
»You must wish to leave Lowood«
»No why should I I was sent to Lowood to get an education and it would be
of no use going away until I have attained that object«
»But that teacher Miss Scatcherd is so cruel to you«
»Cruel Not at all She is severe she dislikes my faults«
»And if I were in your place I should dislike her I should resist her if
she struck me with that rod I should get it from her hand I should break it
under her nose«
»Probably you would do nothing of the sort but if you did Mr Brocklehurst
would expel you from the school that would be a great grief to your relations
It is far better to endure patiently a smart which nobody feels but yourself
than to commit a hasty action whose evil consequences will extend to all
connected with you and besides the Bible bids us return good for evil«
»But then it seems disgraceful to be flogged and to be sent to stand in the
middle of a room full of people and you are such a great girl I am far younger
than you and I could not bear it«
»Yet it would be your duty to bear it if you could not avoid it it is weak
and silly to say you cannot bear what it is your fate to be required to bear«
I heard her with wonder I could not comprehend this doctrine of endurance
and still less could I understand or sympathize with the forbearance she
expressed for her chastiser Still I felt that Helen Burns considered things by
a light invisible to my eyes I suspected she might be right and I wrong but I
would not ponder the matter deeply like Felix I put it off to a more
convenient season
»You say you have faults Helen what are they To me you seem very good«
»Then learn from me not to judge by appearances I am as Miss Scatcherd
said slatternly I seldom put and never keep things in order I am careless
I forget rules I read when I should learn my lessons I have no method and
sometimes I say like you I cannot bear to be subjected to systematic
arrangements This is all very provoking to Miss Scatcherd who is naturally
neat punctual and particular«
»And cross and cruel« I added but Helen Burns would not admit my addition
she kept silence
»Is Miss Temple as severe to you as Miss Scatcherd«
At the utterance of Miss Temples name a soft smile flitted over her grave
face
»Miss Temple is full of goodness it pains her to be severe to any one even
the worst in the school she sees my errors and tells me of them gently and
if I do anything worthy of praise she gives me my meed liberally One strong
proof of my wretchedly defective nature is that even her expostulations so
mild so rational have not influence to cure me of my faults and even her
praise though I value it most highly cannot stimulate me to continued care and
foresight«
»That is curious« said I »it is so easy to be careful«
»For you I have no doubt it is I observed you in your class this morning
and saw you were closely attentive your thoughts never seemed to wander while
Miss Miller explained the lesson and questioned you Now mine continually rove
away when I should be listening to Miss Scatcherd and collecting all she says
with assiduity often I lose the very sound of her voice I fall into a sort of
dream Sometimes I think I am in Northumberland and that the noises I hear
round me are the bubbling of a little brook which runs through Deepden near our
house then when it comes to my turn to reply I have to be wakened and
having heard nothing of what was read for listening to the visionary brook I
have no answer ready«
»Yet how well you replied this afternoon«
»It was mere chance the subject on which we had been reading had interested
me This afternoon instead of dreaming of Deepden I was wondering how a man
who wished to do right could act so unjustly and unwisely as Charles the First
sometimes did and I thought what a pity it was that with his integrity and
conscientiousness he could see no farther than the prerogatives of the crown
If he had but been able to look to a distance and see how what they call the
spirit of the age was tending Still I like Charles I respect him I pity
him poor murdered king Yes his enemies were the worst they shed blood they
had no right to shed How dared they kill him«
Helen was talking to herself now she had forgotten I could not very well
understand her that I was ignorant or nearly so of the subject she
discussed I recalled her to my level
»And when Miss Temple teaches you do your thoughts wander then«
»No certainly not often because Miss Temple has generally something to
say which is newer than my own reflections her language is singularly agreeable
to me and the information she communicates is often just what I wished to
gain«
»Well then with Miss Temple you are good«
»Yes in a passive way I make no effort I follow as inclination guides me
There is no merit in such goodness«
»A great deal you are good to those who are good to you It is all I ever
desire to be If people were always kind and obedient to those who are cruel and
unjust the wicked people would have it all their own way they would never feel
afraid and so they would never alter but would grow worse and worse When we
are struck at without a reason we should strike back again very hard I am sure
we should so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again«
»You will change your mind I hope when you grow older as yet you are but
a little untaught girl«
»But I feel this Helen I must dislike those who whatever I do to please
them persist in disliking me I must resist those who punish me unjustly It is
as natural as that I should love those who show me affection or submit to
punishment when I feel it is deserved«
»Heathens and savage tribes hold that doctrine but Christians and civilized
nations disown it«
»How I dont understand«
»It is not violence that best overcomes hate nor vengeance that most
certainly heals injury«
»What then«
»Read the New Testament and observe what Christ says and how he acts
make his word your rule and his conduct your example«
»What does he say«
»Love your enemies bless them that curse you do good to them that hate you
and despitefully use you«
»Then I should love Mrs Reed which I cannot do I should bless her son
John which is impossible«
In her turn Helen Burns asked me to explain and I proceeded forthwith to
pour out in my own way the tale of my sufferings and resentments Bitter and
truculent when excited I spoke as I felt without reserve or softening
Helen heard me patiently to the end I expected she would then make a
remark but she said nothing
»Well« I asked impatiently »is not Mrs Reed a hardhearted bad woman«
»She has been unkind to you no doubt because you see she dislikes your
cast of character as Miss Scatcherd does mine but how minutely you remember
all she has done and said to you What a singularly deep impression her
injustice seems to have made on your heart No ill usage so brands its record on
my feelings Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity
together with the passionate emotions it excited Life appears to me too short
to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs We are and must be
one and all burdened with faults in this world but the time will soon come
when I trust we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies when
debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh and only
the spark of the spirit will remain the impalpable principle of life and
thought pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature whence it
came it will return perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than
man perhaps to pass through gradations of glory from the pale human soul to
brighten to the seraph Surely it will never on the contrary be suffered to
degenerate from man to fiend No I cannot believe that I hold another creed
which no one ever taught me and which I seldom mention but in which I delight
and to which I cling for it extends hope to all it makes Eternity a rest a
mighty home not a terror and an abyss Besides with this creed I can so
clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime I can so sincerely
forgive the first while I abhor the last with this creed revenge never worries
my heart degradation never too deeply disgusts me injustice never crushes me
too low I live in calm looking to the end«
Helens head always drooping sank a little lower as she finished this
sentence I saw by her look she wished no longer to talk to me but rather to
converse with her own thoughts She was not allowed much time for meditation a
monitor a great rough girl presently came up exclaiming in a strong
Cumberland accent
»Helen Burns if you dont go and put your drawer in order and fold up your
work this minute Ill tell Miss Scatcherd to come and look at it«
Helen sighed as her reverie fled and getting up obeyed the monitor without
reply as without delay
Chapter VII
My first quarter at Lowood seemed an age and not the golden age either it
comprised an irksome struggle with difficulties in habituating myself to new
rules and unwonted tasks The fear of failure in these points harassed me worse
than the physical hardships of my lot though these were no trifles
During January February and part of March the deep snows and after their
melting the almost impassable roads prevented our stirring beyond the garden
walls except to go to church but within these limits we had to pass an hour
every day in the open air Our clothing was insufficient to protect us from the
severe cold we had no boots the snow got into our shoes and melted there our
ungloved hands became numbed and covered with chilblains as were our feet I
remember well the distracting irritation I endured from this cause every
evening when my feet inflamed and the torture of thrusting the swelled raw
and stiff toes into my shoes in the morning Then the scanty supply of food was
distressing with the keen appetites of growing children we had scarcely
sufficient to keep alive a delicate invalid From this deficiency of nourishment
resulted an abuse which pressed hardly on the younger pupils whenever the
famished great girls had an opportunity they would coax or menace the little
ones out of their portion Many a time I have shared between two claimants the
precious morsel of brown bread distributed at teatime and after relinquishing
to a third half the contents of my mug of coffee I have swallowed the
remainder with an accompaniment of secret tears forced from me by the exigency
of hunger
Sundays were dreary days in that wintry season We had to walk two miles to
Brocklebridge church where our patron officiated We set out cold we arrived
at church colder during the morning service we became almost paralyzed It was
too far to return to dinner and an allowance of cold meat and bread in the
same penurious proportion observed in our ordinary meals was served round
between the services
At the close of the afternoon service we returned by an exposed and hilly
road where the bitter winter wind blowing over a range of snowy summits to the
north almost flayed the skin from our faces
I can remember Miss Temple walking lightly and rapidly along our drooping
line her plaid cloak which the frosty wind fluttered gathered close about
her and encouraging us by precept and example to keep up our spirits and
march forward as she said »like stalwart soldiers« The other teachers poor
things were generally themselves too much dejected to attempt the task of
cheering others
How we longed for the light and heat of a blazing fire when we got back
But to the little ones at least this was denied each hearth in the
schoolroom was immediately surrounded by a double row of great girls and
behind them the younger children crouched in groups wrapping their starved arms
in their pinafores
A little solace came at tea time in the shape of a double ration of bread
a whole instead of a halfslice with the delicious addition of a thin scrape
of butter it was the hebdomadal treat to which we all looked forward from
Sabbath to Sabbath I generally contrived to reserve a moiety of this bounteous
repast for myself but the remainder I was invariably obliged to part with
The Sunday evening was spent in repeating by heart the Church Catechism
and the fifth sixth and seventh chapters of St Matthew and in listening to a
long sermon read by Miss Miller whose irrepressible yawns attested her
weariness A frequent interlude of these performances was the enactment of the
part of Eutychus by some half dozen of little girls who overpowered with
sleep would fall down if not out of the third loft yet off the fourth form
and be taken up half dead The remedy was to thrust them forward into the
centre of the schoolroom and oblige them to stand there till the sermon was
finished Sometimes their feet failed them and they sank together in a heap
they were then propped up with the monitors high stools
I have not yet alluded to the visits of Mr Brocklehurst and indeed that
gentleman was from home during the greater part of the first month after my
arrival perhaps prolonging his stay with his friend the archdeacon his absence
was a relief to me I need not say that I had my own reasons for dreading his
coming but come he did at last
One afternoon I had then been three weeks at Lowood as I was sitting with
a slate in my hand puzzling over a sum in long division my eyes raised in
abstraction to the window caught sight of a figure just passing I recognised
almost instinctively that gaunt outline and when two minutes after all the
school teachers included rose en masse it was not necessary for me to look up
in order to ascertain whose entrance they thus greeted A long stride measured
the schoolroom and presently beside Miss Temple who herself had risen stood
the same black column which had frowned on me so ominously from the hearthrug
of Gateshead I now glanced sideways at this piece of architecture Yes I was
right it was Mr Brocklehurst buttoned up in a surtout and looking longer
narrower and more rigid than ever
I had my own reasons for being dismayed at this apparition too well I
remembered the perfidious hints given by Mrs Reed about my disposition etc
the promise pledged by Mr Brocklehurst to apprise Miss Temple and the teachers
of my vicious nature All along I had been dreading the fulfilment of this
promise I had been looking out daily for the Coming Man whose information
respecting my past life and conversation was to brand me as a bad child for
ever now there he was He stood at Miss Temples side he was speaking low in
her ear I did not doubt he was making disclosures of my villany and I watched
her eye with painful anxiety expecting every moment to see its dark orb turn on
me a glance of repugnance and contempt I listened too and as I happened to be
seated quite at the top of the room I caught most of what he said its import
relieved me from immediate apprehension
»I suppose Miss Temple the thread I bought at Lowton will do it struck me
that it would be just of the quality for the calico chemises and I sorted the
needles to match You may tell Miss Smith that I forgot to make a memorandum of
the darning needles but she shall have some papers sent in next week and she
is not on any account to give out more than one at a time to each pupil if
they have more they are apt to be careless and lose them And oh maam I
wish the woollen stockings were better looked to when I was here last I went
into the kitchengarden and examined the clothes drying on the line there was a
quantity of black hose in a very bad state of repair from the size of the holes
in them I was sure they had not been well mended from time to time«
He paused
»Your directions shall be attended to sir« said Miss Temple
»And maam« he continued »the laundress tells me some of the girls have
two clean tuckers in the week it is too much the rules limit them to one«
»I think I can explain that circumstance sir Agnes and Catherine Johnstone
were invited to take tea with some friends at Lowton last Thursday and I gave
them leave to put on clean tuckers for the occasion«
Mr Brocklehurst nodded
»Well for once it may pass but please not to let the circumstance occur
too often And there is another thing which surprised me I find in settling
accounts with the housekeeper that a lunch consisting of bread and cheese has
twice been served out to the girls during the past fortnight How is this I
look over the regulations and I find no such meal as lunch mentioned Who
introduced this innovation and by what authority«
»I must be responsible for the circumstance sir« replied Miss Temple »the
breakfast was so ill prepared that the pupils could not possibly eat it and I
dared not allow them to remain fasting till dinner time«
»Madam allow me an instant You are aware that my plan in bringing up
these girls is not to accustom them to habits of luxury and indulgence but to
render them hardy patient selfdenying Should any little accidental
disappointment of the appetite occur such as the spoiling of a meal the under
or the over dressing of a dish the incident ought not to be neutralized by
replacing with something more delicate the comfort lost thus pampering the body
and obviating the aim of this institution it ought to be improved to the
spiritual edification of the pupils by encouraging them to evince fortitude
under the temporary privation A brief address on those occasions would not be
mistimed wherein a judicious instructor would take the opportunity of referring
to the sufferings of the primitive Christians to the torments of martyrs to
the exhortations of our blessed Lord himself calling upon his disciples to take
up their cross and follow him to his warnings that man shall not live by bread
alone but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God to his divine
consolations if ye suffer hunger or thirst for my sake happy are ye Oh
madam when you put bread and cheese instead of burnt porridge into these
childrens mouths you may indeed feed their vile bodies but you little think
how you starve their immortal souls«
Mr Brocklehurst again paused perhaps overcome by his feelings Miss
Temple had looked down when he first began to speak to her but she now gazed
straight before her and her face naturally pale as marble appeared to be
assuming also the coldness and fixity of that material especially her mouth
closed as if it would have required a sculptors chisel to open it and her brow
settled gradually into petrified severity
Meantime Mr Brocklehurst standing on the hearth with his hands behind his
back majestically surveyed the whole school Suddenly his eye gave a blink as
if it had met something that either dazzled or shocked its pupil turning he
said in more rapid accents than he had hitherto used
»Miss Temple Miss Temple what what is that girl with curled hair Red
hair maam curled curled all over« And extending his cane he pointed to the
awful object his hand shaking as he did so
»It is Julia Severn« replied Miss Temple very quietly
»Julia Severn maam And why has she or any other curled hair Why in
defiance of every precept and principle of this house does she conform to the
world so openly here in an evangelical charitable establishment as to wear
her hair one mass of curls«
»Julias hair curls naturally« returned Miss Temple still more quietly
»Naturally Yes but we are not to conform to nature I wish these girls to
be the children of Grace and why that abundance I have again and again
intimated that I desire the hair to be arranged closely modestly plainly Miss
Temple that girls hair must be cut off entirely I will send a barber
tomorrow and I see others who have far too much of the excrescence that tall
girl tell her to turn round Tell all the first form to rise up and direct
their faces to the wall«
Miss Temple passed her handkerchief over her lips as if to smooth away the
involuntary smile that curled them she gave the order however and when the
first class could take in what was required of them they obeyed Leaning a
little back on my bench I could see the looks and grimaces with which they
commented on this manoeuvre it was a pity Mr Brocklehurst could not see them
too he would perhaps have felt that whatever he might do with the outside of
the cup and platter the inside was further beyond his interference than he
imagined
He scrutinized the reverse of these living medals some five minutes then
pronounced sentence These words fell like the knell of doom
»All those topknots must be cut off«
Miss Temple seemed to remonstrate
»Madam« he pursued »I have a Master to serve whose kingdom is not of this
world my mission is to mortify in these girls the lusts of the flesh to teach
them to clothe themselves with shamefacedness and sobriety not with braided
hair and costly apparel and each of the young persons before us has a string of
hair twisted in plaits which vanity itself might have woven these I repeat
must be cut off think of the time wasted of «
Mr Brocklehurst was here interrupted three other visitors ladies now
entered the room They ought to have come a little sooner to have heard his
lecture on dress for they were splendidly attired in velvet silk and furs
The two younger of the trio fine girls of sixteen and seventeen had gray
beaver hats then in fashion shaded with ostrich plumes and from under the
brim of this graceful headdress fell a profusion of light tresses elaborately
curled the elder lady was enveloped in a costly velvet shawl trimmed with
ermine and she wore a false front of French curls
These ladies were deferentially received by Miss Temple as Mrs and the
Misses Brocklehurst and conducted to seats of honour at the top of the room It
seems they had come in the carriage with their reverend relative and had been
conducting a rummaging scrutiny of the rooms up stairs while he transacted
business with the housekeeper questioned the laundress and lectured the
superintendent They now proceeded to address divers remarks and reproofs to
Miss Smith who was charged with the care of the linen and the inspection of the
dormitories but I had no time to listen to what they said other matters called
off and enchained my attention
Hitherto while gathering up the discourse of Mr Brocklehurst and Miss
Temple I had not at the same time neglected precautions to secure my personal
safety which I thought would be effected if I could only elude observation To
this end I had sat well back on the form and while seeming to be busy with my
sum had held my slate in such a manner as to conceal my face I might have
escaped notice had not my treacherous slate somehow happened to slip from my
hand and falling with an obtrusive crash directly drawn every eye upon me I
knew it was all over now and as I stooped to pick up the two fragments of
slate I rallied my forces for the worst It came
»A careless girl« said Mr Brocklehurst and immediately after »It is the
new pupil I perceive« And before I could draw breath »I must not forget I
have a word to say respecting her« Then aloud how loud it seemed to me »Let
the child who broke her slate come forward«
Of my own accord I could not have stirred I was paralyzed but the two
great girls who sat on each side of me set me on my legs and pushed me towards
the dread judge and then Miss Temple gently assisted me to his very feet and I
caught her whispered counsel
»Dont be afraid Jane I saw it was an accident you shall not be
punished«
The kind whisper went to my heart like a dagger
»Another minute and she will despise me for a hypocrite« thought I and an
impulse of fury against Reed Brocklehurst and Co bounded in my pulses at the
conviction I was no Helen Burns
»Fetch that stool« said Mr Brocklehurst pointing to a very high one from
which a monitor had just risen it was brought
»Place the child upon it«
And I was placed there by whom I dont know I was in no condition to note
particulars I was only aware that they had hoisted me up to the height of Mr
Brocklehursts nose that he was within a yard of me and that a spread of shot
orange and purple silk pelisses and a cloud of silvery plumage extended and
waved below me
Mr Brocklehurst hemmed
»Ladies« said he turning to his family »Miss Temple teachers and
children you all see this girl«
Of course they did for I felt their eyes directed like burningglasses
against my scorched skin
»You see she is yet young you observe she possesses the ordinary form of
childhood God has graciously given her the shape that He has given to all of
us no signal deformity points her out as a marked character Who would think
that the Evil One had already found a servant and agent in her Yet such I
grieve to say is the case«
A pause in which I began to steady the palsy of my nerves and to feel
that the Rubicon was passed and that the trial no longer to be shirked must
be firmly sustained
»My dear children« pursued the black marble clergyman with pathos »this
is a sad a melancholy occasion for it becomes my duty to warn you that this
girl who might be one of Gods own lambs is a little castaway not a member of
the true flock but evidently an interloper and an alien You must be on your
guard against her you must shun her example if necessary avoid her company
exclude her from your sports and shut her out from your converse Teachers you
must watch her keep your eyes on her movements weigh well her words
scrutinize her actions punish her body to save her soul if indeed such
salvation be possible for my tongue falters while I tell it this girl this
child the native of a Christian land worse than many a little heathen who says
its prayers to Brahma and kneels before Juggernaut this girl is a liar«
Now came a pause of ten minutes during which I by this time in perfect
possession of my wits observed all the female Brocklehursts produce their
pockethandkerchiefs and apply them to their optics while the elderly lady
swayed herself to and fro and the two younger ones whispered »How shocking«
Mr Brocklehurst resumed
»This I learned from her benefactress from the pious and charitable lady
who adopted her in her orphan state reared her as her own daughter and whose
kindness whose generosity the unhappy girl repaid by an ingratitude so bad so
dreadful that at last her excellent patroness was obliged to separate her from
her own young ones fearful lest her vicious example should contaminate their
purity she has sent her here to be healed even as the Jews of old sent their
diseased to the troubled pool of Bethesda and teachers superintendent I beg
of you not to allow the waters to stagnate round her«
With this sublime conclusion Mr Brocklehurst adjusted the top button of
his surtout muttered something to his family who rose bowed to Miss Temple
and then all the great people sailed in state from the room Turning at the
door my judge said
»Let her stand half an hour longer on that stool and let no one speak to
her during the remainder of the day«
There was I then mounted aloft I who had said I could not bear the shame
of standing on my natural feet in the middle of the room was now exposed to
general view on a pedestal of infamy What my sensations were no language can
describe but just as they all rose stifling my breath and constricting my
throat a girl came up and passed me in passing she lifted her eyes What a
strange light inspired them What an extraordinary sensation that ray sent
through me How the new feeling bore me up It was as if a martyr a hero had
passed a slave or victim and imparted strength in the transit I mastered the
rising hysteria lifted up my head and took a firm stand on the stool Helen
Burns asked some slight question about her work of Miss Smith was chidden for
the triviality of the inquiry returned to her place and smiled at me as she
again went by What a smile I remember it now and I know that it was the
effluence of fine intellect of true courage it lit up her marked lineaments
her thin face her sunken gray eye like a reflection from the aspect of an
angel Yet at that moment Helen Burns wore on her arm the untidy badge scarcely
an hour ago I had heard her condemned by Miss Scatcherd to a dinner of bread and
water on the morrow because she had blotted an exercise in copying it out Such
is the imperfect nature of man such spots are there on the disc of the clearest
planet and eyes like Miss Scatcherds can only see those minute defects and
are blind to the full brightness of the orb
Chapter VIII
Ere the halfhour ended five oclock struck school was dismissed and all were
gone into the refectory to tea I now ventured to descend it was deep dusk I
retired into a corner and sat down on the floor The spell by which I had been
so far supported began to dissolve reaction took place and soon so
overwhelming was the grief that seized me I sank prostrate with my face to the
ground Now I wept Helen Burns was not here nothing sustained me left to
myself I abandoned myself and my tears watered the boards I had meant to be so
good and to do so much at Lowood to make so many friends to earn respect and
win affection Already I had made visible progress that very morning I had
reached the head of my class Miss Miller had praised me warmly Miss Temple had
smiled approbation she had promised to teach me drawing and to let me learn
French if I continued to make similar improvement two months longer and then I
was well received by my fellowpupils treated as an equal by those of my own
age and not molested by any now here I lay again crushed and trodden on and
could I ever rise more
»Never« I thought and ardently I wished to die While sobbing out this
wish in broken accents some one approached I started up again Helen Burns
was near me the fading fires just showed her coming up the long vacant room
she brought my coffee and bread
»Come eat something« she said but I put both away from me feeling as if
a drop or a crumb would have choked me in my present condition Helen regarded
me probably with surprise I could not now abate my agitation though I tried
hard I continued to weep aloud She sat down on the ground near me embraced
her knees with her arms and rested her head upon them in that attitude she
remained silent as an Indian I was the first who spoke
»Helen why do you stay with a girl whom everybody believes to be a liar«
»Everybody Jane Why there are only eighty people who have heard you
called so and the world contains hundreds of millions«
»But what have I to do with millions The eighty I know despise me«
»Jane you are mistaken probably not one in the school either despises or
dislikes you many I am sure pity you much«
»How can they pity me after what Mr Brocklehurst said«
»Mr Brocklehurst is not a god nor is he even a great and admired man he
is little liked here he never took steps to make himself liked Had he treated
you as an especial favourite you would have found enemies declared or covert
all around you as it is the greater number would offer you sympathy if they
dared Teachers and pupils may look coldly on you for a day or two but friendly
feelings are concealed in their hearts and if you persevere in doing well
these feelings will ere long appear so much the more evidently for their
temporary suppression Besides Jane« she paused
»Well Helen« said I putting my hand into hers she chafed my fingers
gently to warm them and went on
»If all the world hated you and believed you wicked while your own
conscience approved you and absolved you from guilt you would not be without
friends«
»No I know I should think well of myself but that is not enough if others
dont love me I would rather die than live I cannot bear to be solitary and
hated Helen Look here to gain some real affection from you or Miss Temple
or any other whom I truly love I would willingly submit to have the bone of my
arm broken or to let a bull toss me or to stand behind a kicking horse and
let it dash its hoof at my chest «
»Hush Jane you think too much of the love of human beings you are too
impulsive too vehement the sovereign hand that created your frame and put
life into it has provided you with other resources than your feeble self or
than creatures feeble as you Besides this earth and besides the race of men
there is an invisible world and a kingdom of spirits that world is round us
for it is everywhere and those spirits watch us for they are commissioned to
guard us and if we were dying in pain and shame if scorn smote us on all
sides and hatred crushed us angels see our tortures recognise our innocence
if innocent we be as I know you are of this charge which Mr Brocklehurst has
weakly and pompously repeated at second hand from Mrs Reed for I read a
sincere nature in your ardent eyes and on your clear front and God waits only
the separation of spirit from flesh to crown us with a full reward Why then
should we ever sink overwhelmed with distress when life is so soon over and
death is so certain an entrance to happiness to glory«
I was silent Helen had calmed me but in the tranquillity she imparted
there was an alloy of inexpressible sadness I felt the impression of woe as she
spoke but I could not tell whence it came and when having done speaking she
breathed a little fast and coughed a short cough I momentarily forgot my own
sorrows to yield to a vague concern for her
Resting my head on Helens shoulder I put my arms round her waist she drew
me to her and we reposed in silence We had not sat long thus when another
person came in Some heavy clouds swept from the sky by a rising wind had left
the moon bare and her light streaming in through a window near shone full
both on us and on the approaching figure which we at once recognised as Miss
Temple
»I came on purpose to find you Jane Eyre« said she »I want you in my
room and as Helen Burns is with you she may come too«
We went following the superintendents guidance we had to thread some
intricate passages and mount a staircase before we reached her apartment it
contained a good fire and looked cheerful Miss Temple told Helen Burns to be
seated in a low armchair on one side of the hearth and herself taking another
she called me to her side
»Is it all over« she asked looking down at my face »Have you cried your
grief away«
»I am afraid I never shall do that«
»Why«
»Because I have been wrongly accused and you maam and everybody else
will now think me wicked«
»We shall think you what you prove yourself to be my child Continue to act
as a good girl and you will satisfy me«
»Shall I Miss Temple«
»You will« said she passing her arm round me »And now tell me who is the
lady whom Mr Brocklehurst called your benefactress«
»Mrs Reed my uncles wife My uncle is dead and he left me to her care«
»Did she not then adopt you of her own accord«
»No maam she was sorry to have to do it but my uncle as I have often
heard the servants say got her to promise before he died that she would always
keep me«
»Well now Jane you know or at least I will tell you that when a criminal
is accused he is always allowed to speak in his own defence You have been
charged with falsehood defend yourself to me as well as you can Say whatever
your memory suggests as true but add nothing and exaggerate nothing«
I resolved in the depth of my heart that I would be most moderate most
correct and having reflected a few minutes in order to arrange coherently what
I had to say I told her all the story of my sad childhood Exhausted by
emotion my language was more subdued than it generally was when it developed
that sad theme and mindful of Helens warnings against the indulgence of
resentment I infused into the narrative far less of gall and wormwood than
ordinary Thus restrained and simplified it sounded more credible I felt as I
went on that Miss Temple fully believed me
In the course of the tale I had mentioned Mr Lloyd as having come to see me
after the fit for I never forgot the to me frightful episode of the redroom
in detailing which my excitement was sure in some degree to break bounds for
nothing could soften in my recollection the spasm of agony which clutched my
heart when Mrs Reed spurned my wild supplication for pardon and locked me a
second time in the dark and haunted chamber
I had finished Miss Temple regarded me a few minutes in silence she then
said
»I know something of Mr Lloyd I shall write to him if his reply agrees
with your statement you shall be publicly cleared from every imputation to me
Jane you are clear now«
She kissed me and still keeping me at her side where I was well contented
to stand for I derived a childs pleasure from the contemplation of her face
her dress her one or two ornaments her white forehead her clustered and
shining curls and beaming dark eyes she proceeded to address Helen Burns
»How are you tonight Helen Have you coughed much today«
»Not quite so much I think maam«
»And the pain in your chest«
»It is a little better«
Miss Temple got up took her hand and examined her pulse then she returned
to her own seat as she resumed it I heard her sigh low She was pensive a few
minutes then rousing herself she said cheerfully
»But you two are my visitors tonight I must treat you as such« She rang
her bell
»Barbara« she said to the servant who answered it »I have not yet had tea
bring the tray and place cups for these two young ladies«
And a tray was soon brought How pretty to my eyes did the china cups and
bright tea pot look placed on the little round table near the fire How
fragrant was the steam of the beverage and the scent of the toast of which
however I to my dismay for I was beginning to be hungry discerned only a
very small portion Miss Temple discerned it too
»Barbara« said she »can you not bring a little more bread and butter
There is not enough for three«
Barbara went out she returned soon
»Madam Mrs Harden says she has sent up the usual quantity«
Mrs Harden be it observed was the housekeeper a woman after Mr
Brocklehursts own heart made up of equal parts whalebone and iron
»Oh very well« returned Miss Temple »we must make it do Barbara I
suppose« And as the girl withdrew she added smiling »Fortunately I have it
in my power to supply deficiencies for this once«
Having invited Helen and me to approach the table and placed before each of
us a cup of tea with one delicious but thin morsel of toast she got up
unlocked a drawer and taking from it a parcel wrapped in paper disclosed
presently to our eyes a goodsized seedcake
»I meant to give each of you some of this to take with you« said she »but
as there is so little toast you must have it now« and she proceeded to cut
slices with a generous hand
We feasted that evening as on nectar and ambrosia and not the least delight
of the entertainment was the smile of gratification with which our hostess
regarded us as we satisfied our famished appetites on the delicate fare she
liberally supplied Tea over and the tray removed she again summoned us to the
fire we sat one on each side of her and now a conversation followed between
her and Helen which it was indeed a privilege to be admitted to hear
Miss Temple had always something of serenity in her air of state in her
mien of refined propriety in her language which precluded deviation into the
ardent the excited the eager something which chastened the pleasure of those
who looked on her and listened to her by a controlling sense of awe and such
was my feeling now but as to Helen Burns I was struck with wonder
The refreshing meal the brilliant fire the presence and kindness of her
beloved instructress or perhaps more than all these something in her own
unique mind had roused her powers within her They woke they kindled first
they glowed in the bright tint of her cheek which till this hour I had never
seen but pale and bloodless then they shone in the liquid lustre of her eyes
which had suddenly acquired a beauty more singular than that of Miss Temples
a beauty neither of fine colour nor long eyelash nor pencilled brow but of
meaning of movement of radiance Then her soul sat on her lips and language
flowed from what source I cannot tell has a girl of fourteen a heart large
enough vigorous enough to hold the swelling spring of pure full fervid
eloquence Such was the characteristic of Helens discourse on that to me
memorable evening her spirit seemed hastening to live within a very brief span
as much as many live during a protracted existence
They conversed of things I had never heard of of nations and times past of
countries far away of secrets of nature discovered or guessed at they spoke of
books how many they had read What stores of knowledge they possessed Then
they seemed so familiar with French names and French authors but my amazement
reached its climax when Miss Temple asked Helen if she sometimes snatched a
moment to recall the Latin her father had taught her and taking a book from a
shelf bade her read and construe a page of »Virgil« and Helen obeyed my organ
of Veneration expanding at every sounding line She had scarcely finished ere
the bell announced bedtime no delay could be admitted Miss Temple embraced us
both saying as she drew us to her heart
»God bless you my children«
Helen she held a little longer than me she let her go more reluctantly it
was Helen her eye followed to the door it was for her she a second time
breathed a sad sigh for her she wiped a tear from her cheek
On reaching the bedroom we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd she was
examining drawers she had just pulled out Helen Burnss and when we entered
Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand and told that tomorrow she should
have half a dozen of untidily folded articles pinned to her shoulder
»My things were indeed in shameful disorder« murmured Helen to me in a low
voice »I intended to have arranged them but I forgot«
Next morning Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a piece of
pasteboard the word »Slattern« and bound it like a phylactery round Helens
large mild intelligent and benignlooking forehead She wore it till evening
patient unresentful regarding it as a deserved punishment The moment Miss
Scatcherd withdrew after afternoonschool I ran to Helen tore it off and
thrust it into the fire the fury of which she was incapable had been burning in
my soul all day and tears hot and large had continually been scalding my
cheek for the spectacle of her sad resignation gave me an intolerable pain at
the heart
About a week subsequently to the incidents above narrated Miss Temple who
had written to Mr Lloyd received his answer it appeared that what he said
went to corroborate my account Miss Temple having assembled the whole school
announced that inquiry had been made into the charges alleged against Jane Eyre
and that she was most happy to be able to pronounce her completely cleared from
every imputation The teachers then shook hands with me and kissed me and a
murmur of pleasure ran through the ranks of my companions
Thus relieved of a grievous load I from that hour set to work afresh
resolved to pioneer my way through every difficulty I toiled hard and my
success was proportionate to my efforts my memory not naturally tenacious
improved with practice exercise sharpened my wits in a few weeks I was
promoted to a higher class in less than two months I was allowed to commence
French and drawing I learned the first two tenses of the verb Etre and
sketched my first cottage whose walls bytheby outrivalled in slope those of
the leaning tower of Pisa on the same day That night on going to bed I
forgot to prepare in imagination the Barmecide supper of hot roast potatoes or
white bread and new milk with which I was wont to amuse my inward cravings I
feasted instead on the spectacle of ideal drawings which I saw in the dark all
the work of my own hands freely pencilled houses and trees picturesque rocks
and ruins Cuyplike groups of cattle sweet paintings of butterflies hovering
over unblown roses of birds picking at ripe cherries of wrens nests enclosing
pearllike eggs wreathed about with young ivy sprays I examined too in
thought the possibility of my ever being able to translate currently a certain
little French storybook which Madame Pierrot had that day shown me nor was
that problem solved to my satisfaction ere I fell sweetly asleep
Well has Solomon said »Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a
stalled ox and hatred therewith«
I would not now have exchanged Lowood with all its privations for Gateshead
and its daily luxuries
Chapter IX
But the privations or rather the hardships of Lowood lessened Spring drew on
she was indeed already come the frosts of winter had ceased its snows were
melted its cutting winds ameliorated My wretched feet flayed and swollen to
lameness by the sharp air of January began to heal and subside under the
gentler breathings of April the nights and mornings no longer by their Canadian
temperature froze the very blood in our veins we could now endure the playhour
passed in the garden sometimes on a sunny day it began even to be pleasant and
genial and a greenness grew over those brown beds which freshening daily
suggested the thought that Hope traversed them at night and left each morning
brighter traces of her steps Flowers peeped out amongst the leaves snowdrops
crocuses purple auriculas and goldeneyed pansies On Thursday afternoons
half holidays we now took walks and found still sweeter flowers opening by
the wayside under the hedges
I discovered too that a great pleasure an enjoyment which the horizon
only bounded lay all outside the high and spikeguarded walls of our garden
this pleasure consisted in a prospect of noble summits girdling a great
hillhollow rich in verdure and shadow in a bright beck full of dark stones
and sparkling eddies How different had this scene looked when I viewed it laid
out beneath the iron sky of winter stiffened in frost shrouded with snow When
mists as chill as death wandered to the impulse of east winds along those purple
peaks and rolled down ing and holm till they blended with the frozen fog of the
beck That beck itself was then a torrent turbid and curbless it tore asunder
the wood and sent a raving sound through the air often thickened with wild
rain or whirling sleet and for the forest on its banks that showed only ranks
of skeletons
April advanced to May a bright serene May it was days of blue sky placid
sunshine and soft western or southern gales filled up its duration And now
vegetation matured with vigour Lowood shook loose its tresses it became all
green all flowery its great elm ash and oak skeletons were restored to
majestic life woodland plants sprang up profusely in its recesses unnumbered
varieties of moss filled its hollows and it made a strange groundsunshine out
of the wealth of its wild primrose plants I have seen their pale gold gleam in
overshadowed spots like scatterings of the sweetest lustre All this I enjoyed
often and fully free unwatched and almost alone for this unwonted liberty
and pleasure there was a cause to which it now becomes my task to advert
Have I not described a pleasant site for a dwelling when I speak of it as
bosomed in hill and wood and rising from the verge of a stream Assuredly
pleasant enough but whether healthy or not is another question
That forestdell where Lowood lay was the cradle of fog and fogbred
pestilence which quickening with the quickening spring crept into the Orphan
Asylum breathed typhus through its crowded schoolroom and dormitory and ere
May arrived transformed the seminary into an hospital
Semistarvation and neglected colds had predisposed most of the pupils to
receive infection fortyfive out of the eighty girls lay ill at one time
Classes were broken up rules relaxed The few who continued well were allowed
almost unlimited license because the medical attendant insisted on the
necessity of frequent exercise to keep them in health and had it been
otherwise no one had leisure to watch or restrain them Miss Temples whole
attention was absorbed by the patients she lived in the sickroom never
quitting it except to snatch a few hours rest at night The teachers were fully
occupied with packing up and making other necessary preparations for the
departure of those girls who were fortunate enough to have friends and relations
able and willing to remove them from the seat of contagion Many already
smitten went home only to die some died at the school and were buried quietly
and quickly the nature of the malady forbidding delay
While disease had thus become an inhabitant of Lowood and death its
frequent visitor while there was gloom and fear within its walls while its
rooms and passages steamed with hospital smells the drug and the pastille
striving vainly to overcome the effluvia of mortality that bright May shone
unclouded over the bold hills and beautiful woodland out of doors Its garden
too glowed with flowers hollyhocks had sprung up tall as trees lilies had
opened tulips and roses were in bloom the borders of the little beds were gay
with pink thrift and crimson doubledaisies the sweetbriars gave out morning
and evening their scent of spice and apples and these fragrant treasures were
all useless for most of the inmates of Lowood except to furnish now and then a
handful of herbs and blossoms to put in a coffin
But I and the rest who continued well enjoyed fully the beauties of the
scene and season they let us ramble in the wood like gipsies from morning
till night we did what we liked went where we liked we lived better too Mr
Brocklehurst and his family never came near Lowood now household matters were
not scrutinized into the cross housekeeper was gone driven away by the fear of
infection her successor who had been matron at the Lowton Dispensary unused
to the ways of her new abode provided with comparative liberality Besides
there were fewer to feed the sick could eat little our breakfastbasins were
better filled when there was no time to prepare a regular dinner which often
happened she would give us a large piece of cold pie or a thick slice of bread
and cheese and this we carried away with us to the wood where we each chose
the spot we liked best and dined sumptuously
My favourite seat was a smooth and broad stone rising white and dry from
the very middle of the beck and only to be got at by wading through the water
a feat I accomplished barefoot The stone was just broad enough to accommodate
comfortably another girl and me at that time my chosen comrade one Mary Ann
Wilson a shrewd observant personage whose society I took pleasure in partly
because she was witty and original and partly because she had a manner which
set me at my ease Some years older than I she knew more of the world and
could tell me many things I liked to hear with her my curiosity found
gratification to my faults also she gave ample indulgence never imposing curb
or rein on anything I said She had a turn for narrative I for analysis she
liked to inform I to question so we got on swimmingly together deriving much
entertainment if not much improvement from our mutual intercourse
And where meantime was Helen Burns Why did I not spend these sweet days
of liberty with her Had I forgotten her or was I so worthless as to have grown
tired of her pure society Surely the Mary Ann Wilson I have mentioned was
inferior to my first acquaintance she could only tell me amusing stories and
reciprocate any racy and pungent gossip I chose to indulge in while if I have
spoken truth of Helen she was qualified to give those who enjoyed the privilege
of her converse a taste of far higher things
True reader and I knew and felt this and though I am a defective being
with many faults and few redeeming points yet I never tired of Helen Burns nor
ever ceased to cherish for her a sentiment of attachment as strong tender and
respectful as any that ever animated my heart How could it be otherwise when
Helen at all times and under all circumstances evinced for me a quiet and
faithful friendship which illhumour never soured nor irritation ever troubled
But Helen was ill at present for some weeks she had been removed from my sight
to I knew not what room upstairs She was not I was told in the hospital
portion of the house with the fever patients for her complaint was consumption
not typhus and by consumption I in my ignorance understood something mild
which time and care would be sure to alleviate
I was confirmed in this idea by the fact of her once or twice coming down
stairs on very warm sunny afternoons and being taken by Miss Temple into the
garden but on these occasions I was not allowed to go and speak to her I
only saw her from the schoolroom window and then not distinctly for she was
much wrapped up and sat at a distance under the verandah
One evening in the beginning of June I had stayed out very late with Mary
Ann in the wood we had as usual separated ourselves from the others and had
wandered far so far that we lost our way and had to ask it at a lonely
cottage where a man and woman lived who looked after a herd of halfwild swine
that fed on the mast in the wood When we got back it was after moonrise a
pony which we knew to be the surgeons was standing at the garden door Mary
Ann remarked that she supposed some one must be very ill as Mr Bates had been
sent for at that time of the evening She went into the house I stayed behind a
few minutes to plant in my garden a handful of roots I had dug up in the forest
and which I feared would wither if I left them till morning This done I
lingered yet a little longer the flowers smelt so sweet as the dew fell it was
such a pleasant evening so serene so warm the still glowing west promised so
fairly another fine day on the morrow the moon rose with such majesty in the
grave east I was noting these things and enjoying them as a child might when
it entered my mind as it had never done before
»How sad to be lying now on a sickbed and to be in danger of dying This
world is pleasant it would be dreary to be called from it and to have to go
who knows where«
And then my mind made its first earnest effort to comprehend what had been
infused into it concerning heaven and hell and for the first time it recoiled
baffled and for the first time glancing behind on each side and before it it
saw all round an unfathomed gulf it felt the one point where it stood the
present all the rest was formless cloud and vacant depth and it shuddered at
the thought of tottering and plunging amid that chaos While pondering this new
idea I heard the front door open Mr Bates came out and with him was a nurse
After she had seen him mount his horse and depart she was about to close the
door but I ran up to her
»How is Helen Burns«
»Very poorly« was the answer
»Is it her Mr Bates has been to see«
»Yes«
»And what does he say about her«
»He says shell not be here long«
This phrase uttered in my hearing yesterday would have only conveyed the
notion that she was about to be removed to Northumberland to her own home I
should not have suspected that it meant she was dying but I knew instantly now
it opened clear on my comprehension that Helen Burns was numbering her last days
in this world and that she was going to be taken to the region of spirits if
such region there were I experienced a shock of horror then a strong thrill of
grief then a desire a necessity to see her and I asked in what room she lay
»She is in Miss Temples room« said the nurse
»May I go up and speak to her«
»Oh no child It is not likely and now it is time for you to come in
youll catch the fever if you stop out when the dew is falling«
The nurse closed the front door I went in by the side entrance which led to
the schoolroom I was just in time it was nine oclock and Miss Miller was
calling the pupils to go to bed
It might be two hours later probably near eleven when I not having been
able to fall asleep and deeming from the perfect silence of the dormitory
that my companions were all wrapt in profound repose rose softly put on my
frock over my nightdress and without shoes crept from the apartment and set
off in quest of Miss Temples room It was quite at the other end of the house
but I knew my way and the light of the unclouded summer moon entering here and
there at passage windows enabled me to find it without difficulty An odour of
camphor and burnt vinegar warned me when I came near the fever room and I
passed its door quickly fearful lest the nurse who sat up all night should hear
me I dreaded being discovered and sent back for I must see Helen I must
embrace her before she died I must give her one last kiss exchange with her
one last word
Having descended a staircase traversed a portion of the house below and
succeeded in opening and shutting without noise two doors I reached another
flight of steps these I mounted and then just opposite to me was Miss Temples
room A light shone through the keyhole and from under the door a profound
stillness pervaded the vicinity Coming near I found the door slightly ajar
probably to admit some fresh air into the close abode of sickness Indisposed to
hesitate and full of impatient impulses soul and senses quivering with keen
throes I put it back and looked in My eye sought Helen and feared to find
death
Close by Miss Temples bed and half covered with its white curtains there
stood a little crib I saw the outline of a form under the clothes but the face
was hid by the hangings the nurse I had spoken to in the garden sat in an easy
chair asleep an unsnuffed candle burnt dimly on the table Miss Temple was not
to be seen I knew afterwards that she had been called to a delirious patient in
the feverroom I advanced then paused by the crib side my hand was on the
curtain but I preferred speaking before I withdrew it I still recoiled at the
dread of seeing a corpse
»Helen« I whispered softly »are you awake«
She stirred herself put back the curtain and I saw her face pale wasted
but quite composed she looked so little changed that my fear was instantly
dissipated
»Can it be you Jane« she asked in her own gentle voice
»Oh« I thought »she is not going to die they are mistaken she could not
speak and look so calmly if she were«
I got on to her crib and kissed her her forehead was cold and her cheek
both cold and thin and so were her hand and wrist but she smiled as of old
»Why are you come here Jane It is past eleven oclock I heard it strike
some minutes since«
»I came to see you Helen I heard you were very ill and I could not sleep
till I had spoken to you«
»You came to bid me goodbye then you are just in time probably«
»Are you going somewhere Helen Are you going home«
»Yes to my long home my last home«
»No no Helen« I stopped distressed While I tried to devour my tears a
fit of coughing seized Helen it did not however wake the nurse when it was
over she lay some minutes exhausted then she whispered
»Jane your little feet are bare lie down and cover yourself with my
quilt«
I did so she put her arm over me and I nestled close to her After a long
silence she resumed still whispering
»I am very happy Jane and when you hear that I am dead you must be sure
and not grieve there is nothing to grieve about We all must die one day and
the illness which is removing me is not painful it is gentle and gradual my
mind is at rest I leave no one to regret me much I have only a father and he
is lately married and will not miss me By dying young I shall escape great
sufferings I had not qualities or talents to make my way very well in the
world I should have been continually at fault«
»But where are you going to Helen Can you see Do you know«
»I believe I have faith I am going to God«
»Where is God What is God«
»My Maker and yours who will never destroy what he created I rely
implicitly on his power and confide wholly in his goodness I count the hours
till that eventful one arrives which shall restore me to him reveal him to me«
»You are sure then Helen that there is such a place as heaven and that
our souls can get to it when we die«
»I am sure there is a future state I believe God is good I can resign my
immortal part to him without any misgiving God is my father God is my friend
I love him I believe he loves me«
»And shall I see you again Helen when I die«
»You will come to the same region of happiness be received by the same
mighty universal Parent no doubt dear Jane«
Again I questioned but this time only in thought »Where is that region
Does it exist« And I clasped my arms closer round Helen she seemed dearer to
me than ever I felt as if I could not let her go I lay with my face hidden on
her neck Presently she said in the sweetest tone
»How comfortable I am That last fit of coughing has tired me a little I
feel as if I could sleep but dont leave me Jane I like to have you near me«
»Ill stay with you dear Helen no one shall take me away«
»Are you warm darling«
»Yes«
»Goodnight Jane«
»Goodnight Helen«
She kissed me and I her and we both soon slumbered
When I awoke it was day an unusual movement roused me I looked up I was
in somebodys arms the nurse held me she was carrying me through the passage
back to the dormitory I was not reprimanded for leaving my bed people had
something else to think about no explanation was afforded then to my many
questions but a day or two afterwards I learned that Miss Temple on returning
to her own room at dawn had found me laid in a little crib my face against
Helen Burnss shoulder my arms round her neck I was asleep and Helen was
dead
Her grave is in Brocklebridge churchyard for fifteen years after her death
it was only covered by a grassy mound but now a gray marble tablet marks the
spot inscribed with her name and the word »Resurgam«
Chapter X
Hitherto I have recorded in detail the events of my insignificant existence to
the first ten years of my life I have given almost as many chapters But this
is not to be a regular autobiography I am only bound to invoke memory where I
know her responses will possess some degree of interest therefore I now pass a
space of eight years almost in silence a few lines only are necessary to keep
up the links of connection
When the typhus fever had fulfilled its mission of devastation at Lowood it
gradually disappeared from thence but not till its virulence and the number of
its victims had drawn public attention on the school Inquiry was made into the
origin of the scourge and by degrees various facts came out which excited
public indignation in a high degree The unhealthy nature of the site the
quantity and quality of the childrens food the brackish fetid water used in
its preparation the pupils wretched clothing and accommodations all these
things were discovered and the discovery produced a result mortifying to Mr
Brocklehurst but beneficial to the institution
Several wealthy and benevolent individuals in the county subscribed largely
for the erection of a more convenient building in a better situation new
regulations were made improvements in diet and clothing introduced the funds
of the school were entrusted to the management of a committee Mr Brocklehurst
who from his wealth and family connections could not be overlooked still
retained the post of treasurer but he was aided in the discharge of his duties
by gentlemen of rather more enlarged and sympathizing minds his office of
inspector too was shared by those who knew how to combine reason with
strictness comfort with economy compassion with uprightness The school thus
improved became in time a truly useful and noble institution I remained an
inmate of its walls after its regeneration for eight years six as pupil and
two as teacher and in both capacities I bear my testimony to its value and
importance
During these eight years my life was uniform but not unhappy because it
was not inactive I had the means of an excellent education placed within my
reach a fondness for some of my studies and a desire to excel in all together
with a great delight in pleasing my teachers especially such as I loved urged
me on I availed myself fully of the advantages offered me In time I rose to be
the first girl of the first class then I was invested with the office of
teacher which I discharged with zeal for two years but at the end of that time
I altered
Miss Temple through all changes had thus far continued superintendent of
the seminary to her instruction I owed the best part of my acquirements her
friendship and society had been my continual solace she had stood me in the
stead of mother governess and latterly companion At this period she married
removed with her husband a clergyman an excellent man almost worthy of such a
wife to a distant county and consequently was lost to me
From the day she left I was no longer the same with her was gone every
settled feeling every association that had made Lowood in some degree a home to
me I had imbibed from her something of her nature and much of her habits more
harmonious thoughts what seemed better regulated feelings had become the
inmates of my mind I had given in allegiance to duty and order I was quiet I
believed I was content to the eyes of others usually even to my own I
appeared a disciplined and subdued character
But destiny in the shape of the Rev Mr Nasmyth came between me and Miss
Temple I saw her in her travelling dress step into a postchaise shortly after
the marriage ceremony I watched the chaise mount the hill and disappear beyond
its brow and then retired to my own room and there spent in solitude the
greatest part of the halfholiday granted in honour of the occasion
I walked about the chamber most of the time I imagined myself only to be
regretting my loss and thinking how to repair it but when my reflections were
concluded and I looked up and found that the afternoon was gone and evening
far advanced another discovery dawned on me namely that in the interval I had
undergone a transforming process that my mind had put off all it had borrowed
of Miss Temple or rather that she had taken with her the serene atmosphere I
had been breathing in her vicinity and that now I was left in my natural
element and beginning to feel the stirring of old emotions It did not seem as
if a prop were withdrawn but rather as if a motive were gone it was not the
power to be tranquil which had failed me but the reason for tranquillity was no
more My world had for some years been in Lowood my experience had been of its
rules and systems now I remembered that the real world was wide and that a
varied field of hopes and fears of sensations and excitements awaited those
who had courage to go forth into its expanse to seek real knowledge of life
amidst its perils
I went to my window opened it and looked out There were the two wings of
the building there was the garden there were the skirts of Lowood there was
the hilly horizon My eye passed all other objects to rest on those most remote
the blue peaks it was those I longed to surmount all within their boundary of
rock and heath seemed prisonground exile limits I traced the white road
winding round the base of one mountain and vanishing in a gorge between two
how I longed to follow it further I recalled the time when I had travelled that
very road in a coach I remembered descending that hill at twilight an age
seemed to have elapsed since the day which brought me first to Lowood and I had
never quitted it since My vacations had all been spent at school Mrs Reed had
never sent for me to Gateshead neither she nor any of her family had ever been
to visit me I had had no communication by letter or message with the outer
world schoolrules schoolduties schoolhabits and notions and voices and
faces and phrases and costumes and preferences and antipathies such was what
I knew of existence And now I felt that it was not enough I tired of the
routine of eight years in one afternoon I desired liberty for liberty I
gasped for liberty I uttered a prayer it seemed scattered on the wind then
faintly blowing I abandoned it and framed a humbler supplication for change
stimulus that petition too seemed swept off into vague space »Then« I
cried half desperate »Grant me at least a new servitude«
Here a bell ringing the hour of supper called me down stairs
I was not free to resume the interrupted chain of my reflections till
bedtime even then a teacher who occupied the same room with me kept me from
the subject to which I longed to recur by a prolonged effusion of small talk
How I wished sleep would silence her It seemed as if could I but go back to
the idea which had last entered my mind as I stood at the window some inventive
suggestion would rise for my relief
Miss Gryce snored at last she was a heavy Welchwoman and till now her
habitual nasal strains had never been regarded by me in any other light than as
a nuisance tonight I hailed the first deep notes with satisfaction I was
debarrassed of interruption my halfeffaced thought instantly revived
»A new servitude There is something in that« I soliloquized mentally be
it understood I did not talk aloud »I know there is because it does not
sound too sweet it is not like such words as Liberty Excitement Enjoyment
delightful sounds truly but no more than sounds for me and so hollow and
fleeting that it is mere waste of time to listen to them But Servitude That
must be matter of fact Any one may serve I have served here eight years now
all I want is to serve elsewhere Can I not get so much of my own will Is not
the thing feasible Yes yes the end is not so difficult if I had only a
brain active enough to ferret out the means of attaining it«
I sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain it was a chilly night I
covered my shoulders with a shawl and then I proceeded to think again with all
my might
»What do I want A new place in a new house amongst new faces under new
circumstances I want this because it is of no use wanting anything better How
do people do to get a new place They apply to friends I suppose I have no
friends There are many others who have no friends who must look about for
themselves and be their own helpers and what is their resource«
I could not tell nothing answered me I then ordered my brain to find a
response and quickly It worked and worked faster I felt the pulses throb in
my head and temples but for nearly an hour it worked in chaos and no result
came of its efforts Feverish with vain labour I got up and took a turn in the
room undrew the curtain noted a star or two shivered with cold and again
crept to bed
A kind fairy in my absence had surely dropped the required suggestion on
my pillow for as I lay down it came quietly and naturally to my mind »Those
who want situations advertise you must advertise in the shire Herald«
»How I know nothing about advertising«
Replies rose smooth and prompt now
»You must inclose the advertisement and the money to pay for it under a
cover directed to the Editor of the Herald you must put it the first
opportunity you have into the post at Lowton answers must be addressed to J
E at the postoffice there you can go and inquire in about a week after you
send your letter if any are come and act accordingly«
This scheme I went over twice thrice it was then digested in my mind I
had it in a clear practical form I felt satisfied and fell asleep
With earliest day I was up I had my advertisement written enclosed and
directed before the bell rang to rouse the school it ran thus
»A young lady accustomed to tuition« had I not been a teacher two years
»is desirous of meeting with a situation in a private family where the children
are under fourteen I thought that as I was barely eighteen it would not do to
undertake the guidance of pupils nearer my own age She is qualified to teach
the usual branches of a good English education together with French Drawing
and Music« in those days reader this now narrow catalogue of accomplishments
would have been held tolerably comprehensive »Address J E Postoffice
Lowton shire«
This document remained locked in my drawer all day after tea I asked leave
of the new superintendent to go to Lowton in order to perform some small
commissions for myself and one or two of my fellowteachers permission was
readily granted I went It was a walk of two miles and the evening was wet
but the days were still long I visited a shop or two slipped the letter into
the postoffice and came back through heavy rain with streaming garments but
with a relieved heart
The succeeding week seemed long it came to an end at last however like
all sublunary things and once more towards the close of a pleasant autumn day
I found myself afoot on the road to Lowton A picturesque track it was by the
way lying along the side of the beck and through the sweetest curves of the
dale but that day I thought more of the letters that might or might not be
awaiting me at the little burgh whither I was bound than of the charms of lea
and water
My ostensible errand on this occasion was to get measured for a pair of
shoes so I discharged that business first and when it was done I stepped
across the clean and quiet little street from the shoemakers to the
postoffice it was kept by an old dame who wore horn spectacles on her nose
and black mittens on her hands
»Are there any letters for J E« I asked
She peered at me over her spectacles and then she opened a drawer and
fumbled among its contents for a long time so long that my hopes began to
falter At last having held a document before her glasses for nearly five
minutes she presented it across the counter accompanying the act by another
inquisitive and mistrustful glance it was for J E
»Is there only one« I demanded
»There are no more« said she and I put it in my pocket and turned my face
homeward I could not open it then rules obliged me to be back by eight and it
was already halfpast seven
Various duties awaited me on my arrival I had to sit with the girls during
their hour of study then it was my turn to read prayers to see them to bed
afterwards I supped with the other teachers Even when we finally retired for
the night the inevitable Miss Gryce was still my companion we had only a short
end of candle in our candlestick and I dreaded lest she should talk till it was
all burnt out fortunately however the heavy supper she had eaten produced a
soporific effect she was already snoring before I had finished undressing
There still remained an inch of candle I now took out my letter the seal was
an initial F I broke it the contents were brief
»If J E who advertised in the shire Herald of last Thursday possesses
the acquirements mentioned and if she is in a position to give satisfactory
references as to character and competency a situation can be offered her where
there is but one pupil a little girl under ten years of age and where the
salary is thirty pounds per annum J E is requested to send references name
address and all particulars to the direction
Mrs Fairfax Thornfield near Millcote shire«
I examined the document long the writing was old fashioned and rather
uncertain like that of an elderly lady This circumstance was satisfactory a
private fear had haunted me that in thus acting for myself and by my own
guidance I ran the risk of getting into some scrape and above all things I
wished the result of my endeavours to be respectable proper en règle I now
felt that an elderly lady was no bad ingredient in the business I had on hand
Mrs Fairfax I saw her in a black gown and widows cap frigid perhaps but
not uncivil a model of elderly English respectability Thornfield that
doubtless was the name of her house a neat orderly spot I was sure though I
failed in my efforts to conceive a correct plan of the premises Millcote
shire I brushed up my recollections of the map of England yes I saw it
both the shire and the town shire was seventy miles nearer London than the
remote county where I now resided that was a recommendation to me I longed to
go where there was life and movement Millcote was a large manufacturing town on
the banks of the A a busy place enough doubtless so much the better it
would be a complete change at least Not that my fancy was much captivated by
the idea of long chimneys and clouds of smoke »but« I argued »Thornfield
will probably be a good way from the town«
Here the socket of the candle dropped and the wick went out
Next day new steps were to be taken my plans could no longer be confined to
my own breast I must impart them in order to achieve their success Having
sought and obtained an audience of the superintendent during the noontide
recreation I told her I had a prospect of getting a new situation where the
salary would be double what I now received for at Lowood I only got 15l per
annum and requested she would break the matter for me to Mr Brocklehurst or
some of the committee and ascertain whether they would permit me to mention
them as references She obligingly consented to act as mediatrix in the matter
The next day she laid the affair before Mr Brocklehurst who said that Mrs
Reed must be written to as she was my natural guardian A note was accordingly
addressed to that lady who returned for answer that »I might do as I pleased
she had long relinquished all interference in my affairs« This note went the
round of the committee and at last after what appeared to me most tedious
delay formal leave was given me to better my condition if I could and an
assurance added that as I had always conducted myself well both as teacher and
pupil at Lowood a testimonial of character and capacity signed by the
inspectors of that institution should forthwith be furnished me
This testimonial I accordingly received in about a week forwarded a copy of
it to Mrs Fairfax and got that ladys reply stating that she was satisfied
and fixing that day fortnight as the period for my assuming the post of
governess in her house
I now busied myself in preparations the fortnight passed rapidly I had not
a very large wardrobe though it was adequate to my wants and the last day
sufficed to pack my trunk the same I had brought with me eight years ago from
Gateshead
The box was corded the card nailed on In half an hour the carrier was to
call for it to take it to Lowton whither I myself was to repair at an early
hour the next morning to meet the coach I had brushed my black stuff travelling
dress prepared my bonnet gloves and muff sought in all my drawers to see
that no article was left behind and now having nothing more to do I sat down
and tried to rest I could not though I had been on foot all day I could not
now repose an instant I was too much excited A phase of my life was closing
tonight a new one opening tomorrow impossible to slumber in the interval I
must watch feverishly while the change was being accomplished
»Miss« said a servant who met me in the lobby where I was wandering like a
troubled spirit »a person below wishes to see you«
»The carrier no doubt« I thought and ran down stairs without inquiry I
was passing the back parlour or teachers sittingroom the door of which was
half open to go to the kitchen when some one ran out
»Its her I am sure I could have told her anywhere« cried the
individual who stopped my progress and took my hand
I looked I saw a woman attired like a welldressed servant matronly yet
still young very good looking with black hair and eyes and lively complexion
»Well who is it« she asked in a voice and with a smile I half recognised
»youve not quite forgotten me I think Miss Jane«
In another second I was embracing and kissing her rapturously »Bessie
Bessie Bessie« that was all I said whereat she half laughed half cried and
we both went into the parlour By the fire stood a little fellow of three years
old in plaid frock and trousers
»That is my little boy« said Bessie directly
»Then you are married Bessie«
»Yes nearly five years since to Robert Leaven the coachman and Ive a
little girl besides Bobby there that Ive christened Jane«
»And you dont live at Gateshead«
»I live at the Lodge the old porter has left«
»Well and how do they all get on Tell me everything about them Bessie
but sit down first and Bobby come and sit on my knee will you« but Bobby
preferred sidling over to his mother
»Youre not grown so very tall Miss Jane nor so very stout« continued
Mrs Leaven »I dare say theyve not kept you too well at school Miss Reed is
the head and shoulders taller than you are and Miss Georgiana would make two of
you in breadth«
»Georgiana is handsome I suppose Bessie«
»Very She went up to London last winter with her mama and there everybody
admired her and a young lord fell in love with her but his relations were
against the match and what do you think he and Miss Georgiana made it up
to run away but they were found out and stopped It was Miss Reed that found
them out I believe she was envious and now she and her sister lead a cat and
dog life together they are always quarrelling«
»Well and what of John Reed«
»Oh he is not doing so well as his mama could wish He went to college and
he got plucked I think they call it and then his uncles wanted him to be a
barrister and study the law but he is such a dissipated young man they will
never make much of him I think«
»What does he look like«
»He is very tall some people call him a fine looking young man but he has
such thick lips«
»And Mrs Reed«
»Missis looks stout and well enough in the face but I think shes not quite
easy in her mind Mr Johns conduct does not please her he spends a deal of
money«
»Did she send you here Bessie«
»No indeed but I have long wanted to see you and when I heard that there
had been a letter from you and that you were going to another part of the
country I thought Id just set off and get a look at you before you were quite
out of my reach«
»I am afraid you are disappointed in me Bessie« I said this laughing I
perceived that Bessies glance though it expressed regard did in no shape
denote admiration
»No Miss Jane not exactly you are genteel enough you look like a lady
and it is as much as ever I expected of you you were no beauty as a child«
I smiled at Bessies frank answer I felt that it was correct but I confess
I was not quite indifferent to its import at eighteen most people wish to
please and the conviction that they have not an exterior likely to second that
desire brings anything but gratification
»I dare say you are clever though« continued Bessie by way of solace
»What can you do Can you play on the piano«
»A little«
There was one in the room Bessie went and opened it and then asked me to
sit down and give her a tune I played a waltz or two and she was charmed
»The Miss Reeds could not play as well« said she exultingly »I always said
you would surpass them in learning and can you draw«
»That is one of my paintings over the chimneypiece«
It was a landscape in water colours of which I had made a present to the
Superintendent in acknowledgment of her obliging mediation with the committee on
my behalf and which she had framed and glazed
»Well that is beautiful Miss Jane It is as fine a picture as any Miss
Reeds drawingmaster could paint let alone the young ladies themselves who
could not come near it and have you learnt French«
»Yes Bessie I can both read it and speak it«
»And you can work on muslin and canvass«
»I can«
»Oh you are quite a lady Miss Jane I knew you would be you will get on
whether your relations notice you or not There was something I wanted to ask
you Have you ever heard anything from your fathers kinsfolk the Eyres«
»Never in my life«
»Well you know Missis always said they were poor and quite despicable and
they may be poor but I believe they are as much gentry as the Reeds are for
one day nearly seven years ago a Mr Eyre came to Gateshead and wanted to see
you Missis said you were at school fifty miles off he seemed so much
disappointed for he could not stay he was going on a voyage to a foreign
country and the ship was to sail from London in a day or two He looked quite a
gentleman and I believe he was your fathers brother«
»What foreign country was he going to Bessie«
»An island thousands of miles off where they make wine the butler did
tell me « »Madeira« I suggested
»Yes that is it that is the very word«
»So he went«
»Yes he did not stay many minutes in the house Missis was very high with
him she called him afterwards a sneaking tradesman My Robert believes he was a
winemerchant«
»Very likely« I returned »or perhaps clerk or agent to a winemerchant«
Bessie and I conversed about old times an hour longer and then she was
obliged to leave me I saw her again for a few minutes the next morning at
Lowton while I was waiting for the coach We parted finally at the door of the
Brocklehurst Arms there each went her separate way she set off for the brow of
Lowood Fell to meet the conveyance which was to take her back to Gateshead I
mounted the vehicle which was to bear me to new duties and a new life in the
unknown environs of Millcote
Chapter XI
A new chapter in a novel is something like a new scene in a play and when I
draw up the curtain this time reader you must fancy you see a room in the
George Inn at Millcote with such large figured papering on the walls as inn
rooms have such a carpet such furniture such ornaments on the mantelpiece
such prints including a portrait of George the Third and another of the Prince
of Wales and a representation of the death of Wolfe All this is visible to you
by the light of an oillamp hanging from the ceiling and by that of an
excellent fire near which I sit in my cloak and bonnet my muff and umbrella
lie on the table and I am warming away the numbness and chill contracted by
sixteen hours exposure to the rawness of an October day I left Lowton at four
oclock PM and the Millcote town clock is now just striking eight
Reader though I look comfortably accommodated I am not very tranquil in my
mind I thought when the coach stopped here there would be some one to meet me
I looked anxiously round as I descended the wooden steps the boots placed for my
convenience expecting to hear my name pronounced and to see some description
of carriage waiting to convey me to Thornfield Nothing of the sort was visible
and when I asked a waiter if any one had been to inquire after a Miss Eyre I
was answered in the negative so I had no resource but to request to be shown
into a private room and here I am waiting while all sorts of doubts and fears
are troubling my thoughts
It is a very strange sensation to inexperienced youth to feel itself quite
alone in the world cut adrift from every connection uncertain whether the port
to which it is bound can be reached and prevented by many impediments from
returning to that it has quitted The charm of adventure sweetens that
sensation the glow of pride warms it but then the throb of fear disturbs it
and fear with me became predominant when half an hour elapsed and still I was
alone I bethought myself to ring the bell
»Is there a place in this neighbourhood called Thornfield« I asked of the
waiter who answered the summons
»Thornfield I dont know maam Ill inquire at the bar« He vanished but
reappeared instantly
»Is your name Eyre Miss«
»Yes«
»Person here waiting for you«
I jumped up took my muff and umbrella and hastened into the innpassage a
man was standing by the open door and in the lamplit street I dimly saw a
onehorse conveyance
»This will be your luggage I suppose« said the man rather abruptly when he
saw me pointing to my trunk in the passage
»Yes« He hoisted it on to the vehicle which was a sort of car and then I
got in before he shut me up I asked him how far it was to Thornfield
»A matter of six miles«
»How long shall we be before we get there«
»Happen an hour and a half«
He fastened the car door climbed to his own seat outside and we set off
Our progress was leisurely and gave me ample time to reflect I was content to
be at length so near the end of my journey and as I leaned back in the
comfortable though not elegant conveyance I meditated much at my ease
»I suppose« thought I »judging from the plainness of the servant and
carriage Mrs Fairfax is not a very dashing person so much the better I never
lived amongst fine people but once and I was very miserable with them I wonder
if she lives alone except this little girl if so and if she is in any degree
amiable I shall surely be able to get on with her I will do my best it is a
pity that doing ones best does not always answer At Lowood indeed I took
that resolution kept it and succeeded in pleasing but with Mrs Reed I
remember my best was always spurned with scorn I pray God Mrs Fairfax may not
turn out a second Mrs Reed but if she does I am not bound to stay with her
let the worst come to the worst I can advertise again How far are we on our
road now I wonder«
I let down the window and looked out Millcote was behind us judging by the
number of its lights it seemed a place of considerable magnitude much larger
than Lowton We were now as far as I could see on a sort of common but there
were houses scattered all over the district I felt we were in a different
region to Lowood more populous less picturesque more stirring less romantic
The roads were heavy the night misty my conductor let his horse walk all
the way and the hour and a half extended I verily believe to two hours at
last he turned in his seat and said
»Youre noan so far fro Thornfield now«
Again I looked out we were passing a church I saw its low broad tower
against the sky and its bell was tolling a quarter I saw a narrow galaxy of
lights too on a hillside marking a village or hamlet About ten minutes
after the driver got down and opened a pair of gates we passed through and
they clashed to behind us We now slowly ascended a drive and came upon the
long front of a house candlelight gleamed from one curtained bowwindow all
the rest were dark The car stopped at the front door it was opened by a
maidservant I alighted and went in
»Will you walk this way maam« said the girl and I followed her across a
square hall with high doors all round she ushered me into a room whose double
illumination of fire and candle at first dazzled me contrasting as it did with
the darkness to which my eyes had been for two hours inured when I could see
however a cozy and agreeable picture presented itself to my view
A snug small room a round table by a cheerful fire an armchair
highbacked and oldfashioned wherein sat the neatest imaginable little elderly
lady in widows cap black silk gown and snowy muslin apron exactly like what
I had fancied Mrs Fairfax only less stately and milder looking She was
occupied in knitting a large cat sat demurely at her feet nothing in short was
wanting to complete the beauideal of domestic comfort A more reassuring
introduction for a new governess could scarcely be conceived there was no
grandeur to overwhelm no stateliness to embarrass and then as I entered the
old lady got up and promptly and kindly came forward to meet me
»How do you do my dear I am afraid you have had a tedious ride John
drives so slowly you must be cold come to the fire«
»Mrs Fairfax I suppose« said I
»Yes you are right do sit down«
She conducted me to her own chair and then began to remove my shawl and
untie my bonnetstrings I begged she would not give herself so much trouble
»Oh it is no trouble I dare say your own hands are almost numbed with
cold Leah make a little hot negus and cut a sandwich or two here are the keys
of the storeroom«
And she produced from her pocket a most housewifely bunch of keys and
delivered them to the servant
»Now then draw nearer to the fire« she continued »Youve brought your
luggage with you havent you my dear«
»Yes maam«
»Ill see it carried into your room« she said and bustled out
»She treats me like a visitor« thought I »I little expected such a
reception I anticipated only coldness and stiffness this is not like what I
have heard of the treatment of governesses but I must not exult too soon«
She returned with her own hands cleared her knitting apparatus and a book
or two from the table to make room for the tray which Leah now brought and
then herself handed me the refreshments I felt rather confused at being the
object of more attention than I had ever before received and that too shewn
by my employer and superior but as she did not herself seem to consider she was
doing anything out of her place I thought it better to take her civilities
quietly
»Shall I have the pleasure of seeing Miss Fairfax tonight« I asked when I
had partaken of what she offered me
»What did you say my dear I am a little deaf« returned the good lady
approaching her ear to my mouth
I repeated the question more distinctly
»Miss Fairfax Oh you mean Miss Varens Varens is the name of your future
pupil«
»Indeed Then she is not your daughter«
»No I have no family«
I should have followed up my first inquiry by asking in what way Miss
Varens was connected with her but I recollected it was not polite to ask too
many questions besides I was sure to hear in time
»I am so glad « she continued as she sat down opposite to me and took the
cat on her knee »I am so glad you are come it will be quite pleasant living
here now with a companion To be sure it is pleasant at any time for Thornfield
is a fine old hall rather neglected of late years perhaps but still it is a
respectable place yet you know in winter time one feels dreary quite alone in
the best quarters I say alone Leah is a nice girl to be sure and John and
his wife are very decent people but then you see they are only servants and
one cant converse with them on terms of equality one must keep them at due
distance for fear of losing ones authority Im sure last winter it was a
very severe one if you recollect and when it did not snow it rained and
blew not a creature but the butcher and postman came to the house from
November till February and I really got quite melancholy with sitting night
after night alone I had Leah in to read to me sometimes but I dont think the
poor girl liked the task much she felt it confining In spring and summer one
got on better sunshine and long days make such a difference and then just at
the commencement of this autumn little Adela Varens came and her nurse a child
makes a house alive all at once and now you are here I shall be quite gay«
My heart really warmed to the worthy lady as I heard her talk and I drew my
chair a little nearer to her and expressed my sincere wish that she might find
my company as agreeable as she anticipated
»But Ill not keep you sitting up late tonight« said she »it is on the
stroke of twelve now and you have been travelling all day you must feel tired
If you have got your feet well warmed Ill shew you your bedroom Ive had the
room next to mine prepared for you it is only a small apartment but I thought
you would like it better than one of the large front chambers to be sure they
have finer furniture but they are so dreary and solitary I never sleep in them
myself«
I thanked her for her considerate choice and as I really felt fatigued with
my long journey expressed my readiness to retire She took her candle and I
followed her from the room First she went to see if the halldoor was fastened
having taken the key from the lock she led the way upstairs The steps and
banisters were of oak the staircase window was high and latticed both it and
the long gallery into which the bedroom doors opened looked as if they
belonged to a church rather than a house A very chill and vaultlike air
pervaded the stairs and gallery suggesting cheerless ideas of space and
solitude and I was glad when finally ushered into my chamber to find it of
small dimensions and furnished in ordinary modern style
When Mrs Fairfax had bidden me a kind goodnight and I had fastened my
door gazed leisurely round and in some measure effaced the eerie impression
made by that wide hall that dark and spacious staircase and that long cold
gallery by the livelier aspect of my little room I remembered that after a day
of bodily fatigue and mental anxiety I was now at last in safe haven The
impulse of gratitude swelled my heart and I knelt down at the bedside and
offered up thanks where thanks were due not forgetting ere I rose to implore
aid on my further path and the power of meriting the kindness which seemed so
frankly offered me before it was earned My couch had no thorns in it that
night my solitary room no fears At once weary and content I slept soon and
soundly when I awoke it was broad day
The chamber looked such a bright little place to me as the sun shone in
between the gay blue chintz window curtains showing papered walls and a
carpeted floor so unlike the bare planks and stained plaster of Lowood that my
spirits rose at the view Externals have a great effect on the young I thought
that a fairer era of life was beginning for me one that was to have its flowers
and pleasures as well as its thorns and toils My faculties roused by the
change of scene the new field offered to hope seemed all astir I cannot
precisely define what they expected but it was something pleasant not perhaps
that day or that month but at an indefinite future period
I rose I dressed myself with care obliged to be plain for I had no
article of attire that was not made with extreme simplicity I was still by
nature solicitous to be neat It was not my habit to be disregardful of
appearance or careless of the impression I made on the contrary I ever wished
to look as well as I could and to please as much as my want of beauty would
permit I sometimes regretted that I was not handsomer I sometimes wished to
have rosy cheeks a straight nose and small cherry mouth I desired to be tall
stately and finely developed in figure I felt it a misfortune that I was so
little so pale and had features so irregular and so marked And why had I
these aspirations and these regrets It would be difficult to say I could not
then distinctly say it to myself yet I had a reason and a logical natural
reason too However when I had brushed my hair very smooth and put on my black
frock which Quakerlike as it was at least had the merit of fitting to a
nicety and adjusted my clean white tucker I thought I should do respectably
enough to appear before Mrs Fairfax and that my new pupil would not at least
recoil from me with antipathy Having opened my chamber window and seen that I
left all things straight and neat on the toilet table I ventured forth
Traversing the long and matted gallery I descended the slippery steps of
oak then I gained the hall I halted there a minute I looked at some pictures
on the walls one I remember represented a grim man in a cuirass and one a lady
with powdered hair and a pearl necklace at a bronze lamp pendent from the
ceiling at a great clock whose case was of oak curiously carved and ebon black
with time and rubbing Everything appeared very stately and imposing to me but
then I was so little accustomed to grandeur The halldoor which was half of
glass stood open I stepped over the threshold It was a fine autumn morning
the early sun shone serenely on embrowned groves and still green fields
advancing on to the lawn I looked up and surveyed the front of the mansion It
was three stories high of proportions not vast though considerable a
gentlemans manorhouse not a noblemans seat battlements round the top gave
it a picturesque look Its gray front stood out well from the back ground of a
rookery whose cawing tenants were now on the wing they flew over the lawn and
grounds to alight in a great meadow from which these were separated by a sunk
fence and where an array of mighty old thorn trees strong knotty and broad
as oaks at once explained the etymology of the mansions designation Farther
off were hills not so lofty as those round Lowood nor so craggy nor so like
barriers of separation from the living world but yet quiet and lonely hills
enough and seeming to embrace Thornfield with a seclusion I had not expected to
find existent so near the stirring locality of Millcote A little hamlet whose
roofs were blent with trees straggled up the side of one of these hills the
church of the district stood nearer Thornfield its old towertop looked over a
knoll between the house and gates
I was yet enjoying the calm prospect and pleasant fresh air yet listening
with delight to the cawing of the rooks yet surveying the wide hoary front of
the hall and thinking what a great place it was for one lonely little dame like
Mrs Fairfax to inhabit when that lady appeared at the door
»What out already« said she »I see you are an early riser« I went up to
her and was received with an affable kiss and shake of the hand
»How do you like Thornfield« she asked I told her I liked it very much
»Yes« she said »it is a pretty place but I fear it will be getting out of
order unless Mr Rochester should take it into his head to come and reside here
permanently or at least visit it rather oftener great houses and fine
grounds require the presence of the proprietor«
»Mr Rochester« I exclaimed »Who is he«
»The owner of Thornfield« she responded quietly »Did you not know he was
called Rochester«
Of course I did not I had never heard of him before but the old lady
seemed to regard his existence as a universally understood fact with which
everybody must be acquainted by instinct
»I thought« I continued »Thornfield belonged to you«
»To me Bless you child what an idea To me I am only the housekeeper
the manager To be sure I am distantly related to the Rochesters by the mothers
side or at least my husband was he was a clergyman incumbent of Hay that
little village yonder on the hill and that church near the gates was his The
present Mr Rochesters mother was a Fairfax and second cousin to my husband
but I never presume on the connection in fact it is nothing to me I consider
myself quite in the light of an ordinary housekeeper my employer is always
civil and I expect nothing more«
»And the little girl my pupil«
»She is Mr Rochesters ward he commissioned me to find a governess for
her He intends to have her brought up in shire I believe Here she comes
with her bonne as she calls her nurse« The enigma then was explained this
affable and kind little widow was no great dame but a dependant like myself I
did not like her the worse for that on the contrary I felt better pleased than
ever The equality between her and me was real not the mere result of
condescension on her part so much the better my position was all the freer
As I was meditating on this discovery a little girl followed by her
attendant came running up the lawn I looked at my pupil who did not at first
appear to notice me she was quite a child perhaps seven or eight years old
slightly built with a pale smallfeatured face and a redundancy of hair
falling in curls to her waist
»Goodmorning Miss Adela« said Mrs Fairfax »Come and speak to the lady
who is to teach you and to make you a clever woman some day« She approached
»Cest là ma gouvernante« said she pointing to me and addressing her
nurse who answered
»Mais oui certainement«
»Are they foreigners« I inquired amazed at hearing the French language
»The nurse is a foreigner and Adela was born on the continent and I
believe never left it till within six months ago When she first came here she
could speak no English now she can make shift to talk it a little I dont
understand her she mixes it so with French but you will make out her meaning
very well I daresay«
Fortunately I had had the advantage of being taught French by a French lady
and as I had always made a point of conversing with Madame Pierrot as often as
I could and had besides during the last seven years learnt a portion of
French by heart daily applying myself to take pains with my accent and
imitating as closely as possible the pronunciation of my teacher I had
acquired a certain degree of readiness and correctness in the language and was
not likely to be much at a loss with Mademoiselle Adela She came and shook
hands with me when she heard that I was her governess and as I led her into
breakfast I addressed some phrases to her in her own tongue she replied
briefly at first but after we were seated at the table and she had examined me
some ten minutes with her large hazel eyes she suddenly commenced chattering
fluently
»Ah« cried she in French »you speak my language as well as Mr Rochester
does I can talk to you as I can to him and so can Sophie She will be glad
nobody here understands her Madame Fairfax is all English Sophie is my nurse
she came with me over the sea in a great ship with a chimney that smoked how
it did smoke and I was sick and so was Sophie and so was Mr Rochester Mr
Rochester lay down on a sofa in a pretty room called the salon and Sophie and I
had little beds in another place I nearly fell out of mine it was like a
shelf And Mademoiselle what is your name«
»Eyre Jane Eyre«
»Aire Bah I cannot say it Well our ship stopped in the morning before
it was quite daylight at a great city a huge city with very dark houses and
all smoky not at all like the pretty clean town I came from and Mr Rochester
carried me in his arms over a plank to the land and Sophie came after and we
all got into a coach which took us to a beautiful large house larger than this
and finer called an hotel We stayed there nearly a week I and Sophie used to
walk every day in a great green place full of trees called the Park and there
were many children there besides me and a pond with beautiful birds in it that
I fed with crumbs«
»Can you understand her when she runs on so fast« asked Mrs Fairfax
I understood her very well for I had been accustomed to the fluent tongue
of Madame Pierrot
»I wish« continued the good lady »you would ask her a question or two
about her parents I wonder if she remembers them«
»Adèle« I inquired »with whom did you live when you were in that pretty
clean town you spoke of«
»I lived long ago with mama but she is gone to the Holy Virgin Mama used
to teach me to dance and sing and to say verses A great many gentlemen and
ladies came to see mama and I used to dance before them or to sit on their
knees and sing to them I liked it Shall I let you hear me sing now«
She had finished her breakfast so I permitted her to give a specimen of her
accomplishments Descending from her chair she came and placed herself on my
knee then folding her little hands demurely before her shaking back her curls
and lifting her eyes to the ceiling she commenced singing a song from some
opera It was the strain of a forsaken lady who after bewailing the perfidy of
her lover calls pride to her aid desires her attendant to deck her in her
brightest jewels and richest robes and resolves to meet the false one that
night at a ball and prove to him by the gaiety of her demeanour how little his
desertion has affected her
The subject seemed strangely chosen for an infant singer but I suppose the
point of the exhibition lay in hearing the notes of love and jealousy warbled
with the lisp of childhood and in very bad taste that point was at least I
thought so
Adèle sang the canzonette tunefully enough and with the naïveté of her age
This achieved she jumped from my knee and said »Now Mademoiselle I will
repeat you some poetry«
Assuming an attitude she began »La Ligue des Rats fable de La Fontaine«
She then declaimed the little piece with an attention to punctuation and
emphasis a flexibility of voice and an appropriateness of gesture very unusual
indeed at her age and which proved she had been carefully trained
»Was it your mama who taught you that piece« I asked
»Yes and she just used to say it in this way Quavez vous donc lui dit un
de ces rats parlez She made me lift my hand so to remind me to raise my
voice at the question Now shall I dance for you«
»No that will do but after your mama went to the Holy Virgin as you say
with whom did you live then«
»With Madame Frédéric and her husband she took care of me but she is
nothing related to me I think she is poor for she had not so fine a house as
mama I was not long there Mr Rochester asked me if I would like to go and
live with him in England and I said yes for I knew Mr Rochester before I knew
Madame Frédéric and he was always kind to me and gave me pretty dresses and
toys but you see he has not kept his word for he has brought me to England
and now he is gone back again himself and I never see him«
After breakfast Adèle and I withdrew to the library which room it
appears Mr Rochester had directed should be used as the schoolroom Most of
the books were locked up behind glass doors but there was one bookcase left
open containing everything that could be needed in the way of elementary works
and several volumes of light literature poetry biography travels a few
romances etc I suppose he had considered that these were all the governess
would require for her private perusal and indeed they contented me amply for
the present compared with the scanty pickings I had now and then been able to
glean at Lowood they seemed to offer an abundant harvest of entertainment and
information In this room too there was a cabinet piano quite new and of
superior tone also an easel for painting and a pair of globes
I found my pupil sufficiently docile though disinclined to apply she had
not been used to regular occupation of any kind I felt it would be injudicious
to confine her too much at first so when I had talked to her a great deal and
got her to learn a little and when the morning had advanced to noon I allowed
her to return to her nurse I then proposed to occupy myself till dinnertime in
drawing some little sketches for her use
As I was going up stairs to fetch my portfolio and pencils Mrs Fairfax
called to me »Your morning schoolhours are over now I suppose« said she She
was in a room the foldingdoors of which stood open I went in when she
addressed me It was a large stately apartment with purple chairs and
curtains a Turkey carpet walnutpannelled walls one vast window rich in
stained glass and a lofty ceiling nobly moulded Mrs Fairfax was dusting some
vases of fine purple spar which stood on a sideboard
»What a beautiful room« I exclaimed as I looked round for I had never
before seen any half so imposing
»Yes this is the diningroom I have just opened the window to let in a
little air and sunshine for everything gets so damp in apartments that are
seldom inhabited the drawingroom yonder feels like a vault«
She pointed to a wide arch corresponding to the window and hung like it
with a Tyriandyed curtain now looped up Mounting to it by two broad steps and
looking through I thought I caught a glimpse of a fairy place so bright to my
noviceeyes appeared the view beyond Yet it was merely a very pretty
drawingroom and within it a boudoir both spread with white carpets on which
seemed laid brilliant garlands of flowers both ceiled with snowy mouldings of
white grapes and vineleaves beneath which glowed in rich contrast crimson
couches and ottomans while the ornaments on the pale Parian mantelpiece were
of sparkling Bohemian glass ruby red and between the windows large mirrors
repeated the general blending of snow and fire
»In what order you keep these rooms Mrs Fairfax« said I »No dust no
canvass coverings except that the air feels chilly one would think they were
inhabited daily«
»Why Miss Eyre though Mr Rochesters visits here are rare they are
always sudden and unexpected and as I observed that it put him out to find
everything swathed up and to have a bustle of arrangement on his arrival I
thought it best to keep the rooms in readiness«
»Is Mr Rochester an exacting fastidious sort of man«
»Not particularly so but he has a gentlemans tastes and habits and he
expects to have things managed in conformity to them«
»Do you like him Is he generally liked«
»Oh yes the family have always been respected here Almost all the land in
this neighbourhood as far as you can see has belonged to the Rochesters time
out of mind«
»Well but leaving his land out of the question do you like him Is he
liked for himself«
»I have no cause to do otherwise than like him and I believe he is
considered a just and liberal landlord by his tenants but he has never lived
much amongst them«
»But has he no peculiarities What in short is his character«
»Oh his character is unimpeachable I suppose He is rather peculiar
perhaps he has travelled a great deal and seen a great deal of the world I
should think I dare say he is clever but I never had much conversation with
him«
»In what way is he peculiar«
»I dont know it is not easy to describe nothing striking but you feel
it when he speaks to you you cannot be always sure whether he is in jest or
earnest whether he is pleased or the contrary you dont thoroughly understand
him in short at least I dont but it is of no consequence he is a very
good master«
This was all the account I got from Mrs Fairfax of her employer and mine
There are people who seem to have no notion of sketching a character or
observing and describing salient points either in persons or things the good
lady evidently belonged to this class my queries puzzled but did not draw her
out Mr Rochester was Mr Rochester in her eyes a gentleman a landed
proprietor nothing more she inquired and searched no further and evidently
wondered at my wish to gain a more definite notion of his identity
When we left the diningroom she proposed to show me over the rest of the
house and I followed her up stairs and down stairs admiring as I went for all
was well arranged and handsome The large front chambers I thought especially
grand and some of the third story rooms though dark and low were interesting
from their air of antiquity The furniture once appropriated to the lower
apartments had from time to time been removed here as fashions changed and the
imperfect light entering by their narrow casements showed bedsteads of a hundred
years old chests in oak or walnut looking with their strange carvings of palm
branches and cherubs heads like types of the Hebrew ark rows of venerable
chairs highbacked and narrow stools still more antiquated on whose cushioned
tops were yet apparent traces of halfeffaced embroideries wrought by fingers
that for two generations had been coffindust All these relics gave to the
third story of ThornfieldHall the aspect of a home of the past a shrine of
memory I liked the hush the gloom the quaintness of these retreats in the
day but I by no means coveted a nights repose on one of those wide and heavy
beds shut in some of them with doors of oak shaded others with wrought old
English hangings crusted with thick work portraying effigies of strange
flowers and stranger birds and strangest human beings all which would have
looked strange indeed by the pallid gleam of moonlight
»Do the servants sleep in these rooms« I asked
»No they occupy a range of smaller apartments to the back no one ever
sleeps here one would almost say that if there were a ghost at
ThornfieldHall this would be its haunt«
»So I think you have no ghost then«
»None that I ever heard of« returned Mrs Fairfax smiling
»Nor any traditions of one no legends or ghost stories«
»I believe not And yet it is said the Rochesters have been rather a
violent than a quiet race in their time perhaps though that is the reason
they rest tranquilly in their graves now«
»Yes after lifes fitful fever they sleep well« I muttered »Where are
you going now Mrs Fairfax« for she was moving away
»On to the leads will you come and see the view from thence« I followed
still up a very narrow staircase to the attics and thence by a ladder and
through a trapdoor to the roof of the hall I was now on a level with the
crowcolony and could see into their nests Leaning over the battlements and
looking far down I surveyed the grounds laid out like a map the bright and
velvet lawn closely girdling the gray base of the mansion the field wide as a
park dotted with its ancient timber the wood dun and sere divided by a path
visibly overgrown greener with moss than the trees were with foliage the
church at the gates the road the tranquil hills all reposing in the autumn
days sun the horizon bounded by a propitious sky azure marbled with pearly
white No feature in the scene was extraordinary but all was pleasing When I
turned from it and repassed the trapdoor I could scarcely see my way down the
ladder the attic seemed black as a vault compared with that arch of blue air to
which I had been looking up and to that sunlit scene of grove pasture and
green hill of which the hall was the centre and over which I had been gazing
with delight
Mrs Fairfax stayed behind a moment to fasten the trapdoor I by dint of
groping found the outlet from the attic and proceeded to descend the narrow
garret staircase I lingered in the long passage to which this led separating
the front and back rooms of the third story narrow low and dim with only one
little window at the far end and looking with its two rows of small black
doors all shut like a corridor in some Bluebeards castle
While I paced softly on the last sound I expected to hear in so still a
region a laugh struck my ear It was a curious laugh distinct formal
mirthless I stopped the sound ceased only for an instant it began again
louder for at first though distinct it was very low It passed off in a
clamorous peal that seemed to wake an echo in every lonely chamber though it
originated but in one and I could have pointed out the door whence the accents
issued
»Mrs Fairfax« I called out for I now heard her descending the great
stairs »Did you hear that loud laugh Who is it«
»Some of the servants very likely« she answered »perhaps Grace Poole«
»Did you hear it« I again inquired
»Yes plainly I often hear her she sews in one of these rooms Sometimes
Leah is with her they are frequently noisy together«
The laugh was repeated in its low syllabic tone and terminated in an odd
murmur
»Grace« exclaimed Mrs Fairfax
I really did not expect any Grace to answer for the laugh was as tragic as
preternatural a laugh as any I ever heard and but that it was high noon and
that no circumstance of ghostliness accompanied the curious cachination but
that neither scene nor season favoured fear I should have been superstitiously
afraid However the event showed me I was a fool for entertaining a sense even
of surprise
The door nearest me opened and a servant came out a woman of between
thirty and forty a set squaremade figure redhaired and with a hard plain
face any apparition less romantic or less ghostly could scarcely be conceived
»Too much noise Grace« said Mrs Fairfax »Remember directions« Grace
curtseyed silently and went in
»She is a person we have to sew and assist Leah in her housemaids work«
continued the widow »not altogether unobjectionable in some points but she
does well enough Bytheby how have you got on with your new pupil this
morning«
The conversation thus turned on Adèle continued till we reached the light
and cheerful region below Adèle came running to meet us in the hall
exclaiming
»Mesdames vous êtes servies« adding »Jai bien faim moi«
We found dinner ready and waiting for us in Mrs Fairfaxs room
Chapter XII
The promise of a smooth career which my first calm introduction to
ThornfieldHall seemed to pledge was not belied on a longer acquaintance with
the place and its inmates Mrs Fairfax turned out to be what she appeared a
placidtempered kindnatured woman of competent education and average
intelligence My pupil was a lively child who had been spoilt and indulged and
therefore was sometimes wayward but as she was committed entirely to my care
and no injudicious interference from any quarter ever thwarted my plans for her
improvement she soon forgot her little freaks and became obedient and
teachable She had no great talents no marked traits of character no peculiar
development of feeling or taste which raised her one inch above the ordinary
level of childhood but neither had she any deficiency or vice which sunk her
below it She made reasonable progress entertained for me a vivacious though
perhaps not very profound affection and by her simplicity gay prattle and
efforts to please inspired me in return with a degree of attachment
sufficient to make us both content in each others society
This par parenthèse will be thought cool language by persons who entertain
solemn doctrines about the angelic nature of children and the duty of those
charged with their education to conceive for them an idolatrous devotion but I
am not writing to flatter parental egotism to echo cant or prop up humbug I
am merely telling the truth I felt a conscientious solicitude for Adèles
welfare and progress and a quiet liking to her little self just as I cherished
towards Mrs Fairfax a thankfulness for her kindness and a pleasure in her
society proportionate to the tranquil regard she had for me and the moderation
of her mind and character
Anybody may blame me who likes when I add further that now and then when
I took a walk by myself in the grounds when I went down to the gates and looked
through them along the road or when while Adèle played with her nurse and
Mrs Fairfax made jellies in the storeroom I climbed the three staircases
raised the trapdoor of the attic and having reached the leads looked out afar
over sequestered field and hill and along dim skyline that then I longed for
a power of vision which might overpass that limit which might reach the busy
world towns regions full of life I had heard of but never seen that then I
desired more of practical experience than I possessed more of intercourse with
my kind of acquaintance with variety of character than was here within my
reach I valued what was good in Mrs Fairfax and what was good in Adèle but I
believed in the existence of other and more vivid kinds of goodness and what I
believed in I wished to behold
Who blames me Many no doubt and I shall be called discontented I could
not help it the restlessness was in my nature it agitated me to pain
sometimes Then my sole relief was to walk along the corridor of the third
story backwards and forwards safe in the silence and solitude of the spot and
allow my minds eye to dwell on whatever bright visions rose before it and
certainly they were many and glowing to let my heart be heaved by the exultant
movement which while it swelled it in trouble expanded it with life and best
of all to open my inward ear to a tale that was never ended a tale my
imagination created and narrated continuously quickened with all of incident
life fire feeling that I desired and had not in my actual existence
It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquillity
they must have action and they will make it if they cannot find it Millions
are condemned to a stiller doom than mine and millions are in silent revolt
against their lot Nobody knows how many rebellions besides political rebellions
ferment in the masses of life which people earth Women are supposed to be very
calm generally but women feel just as men feel they need exercise for their
faculties and a field for their efforts as much as their brothers do they
suffer from too rigid a restraint too absolute a stagnation precisely as men
would suffer and it is narrowminded in their more privileged fellowcreatures
to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting
stockings to playing on the piano and embroidering bags It is thoughtless to
condemn them or laugh at them if they seek to do more or learn more than
custom has pronounced necessary for their sex
When thus alone I not unfrequently heard Grace Pooles laugh the same
peal the same low slow ha ha which when first heard had thrilled me I
heard too her eccentric murmurs stranger than her laugh There were days when
she was quite silent but there were others when I could not account for the
sounds she made Sometimes I saw her she would come out of her room with a
basin or a plate or a tray in her hand go down to the kitchen and shortly
return generally oh romantic reader forgive me for telling the plain truth
bearing a pot of porter Her appearance always acted as a damper to the
curiosity raised by her oral oddities hardfeatured and staid she had no point
to which interest could attach I made some attempts to draw her into
conversation but she seemed a person of few words a monosyllabic reply usually
cut short every effort of that sort
The other members of the household viz John and his wife Leah the
housemaid and Sophie the French nurse were decent people but in no respect
remarkable with Sophie I used to talk French and sometimes I asked her
questions about her native country but she was not of a descriptive or
narrative turn and generally gave such vapid and confused answers as were
calculated rather to check than encourage inquiry
October November December passed away One afternoon in January Mrs
Fairfax had begged a holiday for Adèle because she had a cold and as Adèle
seconded the request with an ardour that reminded me how precious occasional
holidays had been to me in my own childhood I accorded it deeming that I did
well in showing pliability on the point It was a fine calm day though very
cold I was tired of sitting still in the library through a whole long morning
Mrs Fairfax had just written a letter which was waiting to be posted so I put
on my bonnet and cloak and volunteered to carry it to Hay the distance two
miles would be a pleasant winter afternoon walk Having seen Adèle comfortably
seated in her little chair by Mrs Fairfaxs parlour fireside and given her her
best wax doll which I usually kept enveloped in silver paper in a drawer to
play with and a storybook for change of amusement and having replied to her
»Revenez bientôt ma bonne amie ma chère Mdlle Jeannette« with a kiss I set
out
The ground was hard the air was still my road was lonely I walked fast
till I got warm and then I walked slowly to enjoy and analyze the species of
pleasure brooding for me in the hour and situation It was three oclock the
church bell tolled as I passed under the belfry the charm of the hour lay in
its approaching dimness in the lowgliding and palebeaming sun I was a mile
from Thornfield in a lane noted for wild roses in summer for nuts and
blackberries in autumn and even now possessing a few coral treasures in hips
and haws but whose best winter delight lay in its utter solitude and leafless
repose If a breath of air stirred it made no sound here for there was not a
holly not an evergreen to rustle and the stripped hawthorn and hazel bushes
were as still as the white worn stones which causewayed the middle of the
path Far and wide on each side there were only fields where no cattle now
browsed and the little brown birds which stirred occasionally in the hedge
looked like single russet leaves that had forgotten to drop
This lane inclined uphill all the way to Hay having reached the middle I
sat down on a stile which led thence into a field Gathering my mantle about me
and sheltering my hands in my muff I did not feel the cold though it froze
keenly as was attested by a sheet of ice covering the causeway where a little
brooklet now congealed had overflowed after a rapid thaw some days since From
my seat I could look down on Thornfield the gray and battlemented hall was the
principal object in the vale below me its woods and dark rookery rose against
the west I lingered till the sun went down amongst the trees and sank crimson
and clear behind them I then turned eastward
On the hilltop above me sat the rising moon pale yet as a cloud but
brightening momently she looked over Hay which half lost in trees sent up a
blue smoke from its few chimneys it was yet a mile distant but in the absolute
hush I could hear plainly its thin murmurs of life My ear too felt the flow of
currents in what dales and depths I could not tell but there were many hills
beyond Hay and doubtless many becks threading their passes That evening calm
betrayed alike the tinkle of the nearest streams the sough of the most remote
A rude noise broke on these fine ripplings and whisperings at once so far
away and so clear a positive tramp tramp a metallic clatter which effaced
the soft wavewanderings as in a picture the solid mass of a crag or the
rough boles of a great oak drawn in dark and strong on the foreground efface
the aërial distance of azure hill sunny horizon and blended clouds where tint
melts into tint
The din was on the causeway a horse was coming the windings of the lane
yet hid it but it approached I was just leaving the stile yet as the path
was narrow I sat still to let it go by In those days I was young and all
sorts of fancies bright and dark tenanted my mind the memories of nursery
stories were there amongst other rubbish and when they recurred maturing youth
added to them a vigour and vividness beyond what childhood could give As this
horse approached and as I watched for it to appear through the dusk I
remembered certain of Bessies tales wherein figured a NorthofEngland spirit
called a Gytrash which in the form of horse mule or large dog haunted
solitary ways and sometimes came upon belated travellers as this horse was now
coming upon me
It was very near but not yet in sight when in addition to the tramp
tramp I heard a rush under the hedge and close down by the hazel stems glided
a great dog whose black and white colour made him a distinct object against the
trees It was exactly one mask of Bessies Gytrash a lionlike creature with
long hair and a huge head it passed me however quietly enough not staying to
look up with strange pretercanine eyes in my face as I half expected it
would The horse followed a tall steed and on its back a rider The man the
human being broke the spell at once Nothing ever rode the Gytrash it was
always alone and goblins to my notions though they might tenant the dumb
carcasses of beasts could scarce covet shelter in the commonplace human form
No Gytrash was this only a traveller taking the short cut to Millcote He
passed and I went on a few steps and I turned a sliding sound and an
exclamation of »What the deuce is to do now« and a clattering tumble arrested
my attention Man and horse were down they had slipped on the sheet of ice
which glazed the causeway The dog came bounding back and seeing his master in
a predicament and hearing the horse groan barked till the evening hills echoed
the sound which was deep in proportion to his magnitude He snuffed round the
prostrate group and then he ran up to me it was all he could do there was
no other help at hand to summon I obeyed him and walked down to the traveller
by this time struggling himself free of his steed His efforts were so vigorous
I thought he could not be much hurt but I asked him the question
»Are you injured sir«
I think he was swearing but am not certain however he was pronouncing
some formula which prevented him from replying to me directly
»Can I do anything« I asked again
»You must just stand on one side« he answered as he rose first to his
knees and then to his feet I did whereupon began a heaving stamping
clattering process accompanied by a barking and baying which removed me
effectually some yards distance but I would not be driven quite away till I saw
the event This was finally fortunate the horse was reestablished and the dog
was silenced with a »Down Pilot« The traveller now stooping felt his foot
and leg as if trying whether they were sound apparently something ailed them
for he halted to the stile whence I had just risen and sat down
I was in the mood for being useful or at least officious I think for I
now drew near him again
»If you are hurt and want help sir I can fetch some one either from
ThornfieldHall or from Hay«
»Thank you I shall do I have no broken bones only a sprain« and again
he stood up and tried his foot but the result extorted an involuntary »Ugh«
Something of daylight still lingered and the moon was waxing bright I
could see him plainly His figure was enveloped in a riding cloak fur collared
and steel clasped its details were not apparent but I traced the general
points of middle height and considerable breadth of chest He had a dark face
with stern features and a heavy brow his eyes and gathered eyebrows looked
ireful and thwarted just now he was past youth but had not reached middle age
perhaps he might be thirtyfive I felt no fear of him and but little shyness
Had he been a handsome heroiclooking young gentleman I should not have dared
to stand thus questioning him against his will and offering my services
unasked I had hardly ever seen a handsome youth never in my life spoken to
one I had a theoretical reverence and homage for beauty elegance gallantry
fascination but had I met those qualities incarnate in masculine shape I
should have known instinctively that they neither had nor could have sympathy
with anything in me and should have shunned them as one would fire lightning
or anything else that is bright but antipathetic
If even this stranger had smiled and been goodhumoured to me when I
addressed him if he had put off my offer of assistance gaily and with thanks I
should have gone on my way and not felt any vocation to renew inquiries but the
frown the roughness of the traveller set me at my ease I retained my station
when he waved to me to go and announced
»I cannot think of leaving you sir at so late an hour in this solitary
lane till I see you are fit to mount your horse«
He looked at me when I said this he had hardly turned his eyes in my
direction before
»I should think you ought to be at home yourself« said he »if you have a
home in this neighbourhood where do you come from«
»From just below and I am not at all afraid of being out late when it is
moonlight I will run over to Hay for you with pleasure if you wish it indeed
I am going there to post a letter«
»You live just below do you mean at that house with the battlements«
pointing to ThornfieldHall on which the moon cast a hoary gleam bringing it
out distinct and pale from the woods that by contrast with the western sky
now seemed one mass of shadow
»Yes sir«
»Whose house is it«
»Mr Rochesters«
»Do you know Mr Rochester«
»No I have never seen him«
»He is not resident then«
»No«
»Can you tell me where he is«
»I cannot«
»You are not a servant at the hall of course You are « He stopped ran
his eye over my dress which as usual was quite simple a black merino cloak
a black beaver bonnet neither of them half fine enough for a ladysmaid He
seemed puzzled to decide what I was I helped him
»I am the governess«
»Ah the governess« he repeated »deuce take me if I had not forgotten
The governess« and again my raiment underwent scrutiny In two minutes he rose
from the stile his face expressed pain when he tried to move
»I cannot commission you to fetch help« he said »but you may help me a
little yourself if you will be so kind«
»Yes sir«
»You have not an umbrella that I can use as a stick«
»No«
»Try to get hold of my horses bridle and lead him to me you are not
afraid«
I should have been afraid to touch a horse when alone but when told to do
it I was disposed to obey I put down my muff on the stile and went up to the
tall steed I endeavoured to catch the bridle but it was a spirited thing and
would not let me come near its head I made effort on effort though in vain
meantime I was mortally afraid of its trampling fore feet The traveller waited
and watched for some time and at last he laughed
»I see« he said »the mountain will never be brought to Mahomet so all you
can do is to aid Mahomet to go to the mountain I must beg of you to come here«
I came »Excuse me« he continued »necessity compels me to make you
useful« He laid a heavy hand on my shoulder and leaning on me with some
stress limped to his horse Having once caught the bridle he mastered it
directly and sprang to his saddle grimacing grimly as he made the effort for
it wrenched his sprain
»Now« said he releasing his under lip from a hard bite »just hand me my
whip it lies there under the hedge«
I sought it and found it
»Thank you now make haste with the letter to Hay and return as fast as you
can«
A touch of a spurred heel made his horse first start and rear and then
bound away the dog rushed in his traces all three vanished
»Like heath that in the wilderness
The wild wind whirls away«
I took up my muff and walked on The incident had occurred and was gone for me
it was an incident of no moment no romance no interest in a sense yet it
marked with change one single hour of a monotonous life My help had been needed
and claimed I had given it I was pleased to have done something trivial
transitory though the deed was it was yet an active thing and I was weary of
an existence all passive The new face too was like a new picture introduced
to the gallery of memory and it was dissimilar to all the others hanging there
firstly because it was masculine and secondly because it was dark strong
and stern I had it still before me when I entered Hay and slipped the letter
into the postoffice I saw it as I walked fast down hill all the way home When
I came to the stile I stopped a minute looked round and listened with an idea
that a horses hoofs might ring on the causeway again and that a rider in a
cloak and a Gytrashlike Newfoundland dog might be again apparent I saw only
the hedge and a pollard willow before me rising up still and straight to meet
the moonbeams I heard only the faintest waft of wind roaming fitful among the
trees round Thornfield a mile distant and when I glanced down in the direction
of the murmur my eye traversing the hallfront caught a light kindling in a
window it reminded me that I was late and I hurried on
I did not like reentering Thornfield To pass its threshold was to return
to stagnation to cross the silent hall to ascend the darksome staircase to
seek my own lonely little room and then to meet tranquil Mrs Fairfax and
spend the long winter evening with her and her only was to quell wholly the
faint excitement wakened by my walk to slip again over my faculties the
viewless fetters of an uniform and too still existence of an existence whose
very privileges of security and ease I was becoming incapable of appreciating
What good it would have done me at that time to have been tossed in the storms
of an uncertain struggling life and to have been taught by rough and bitter
experience to long for the calm amidst which I now repined Yes just as much
good as it would do a man tired of sitting still in a too easy chair to take a
long walk and just as natural was the wish to stir under my circumstances as
it would be under his
I lingered at the gates I lingered on the lawn I paced backwards and
forwards on the pavement the shutters of the glass door were closed I could
not see into the interior and both my eyes and spirit seemed drawn from the
gloomy house from the gray hollow filled with rayless cells as it appeared to
me to that sky expanded before me a blue sea absolved from taint of cloud
the moon ascending it in solemn march her orb seeming to look up as she left
the hill tops from behind which she had come far and farther below her and
aspired to the zenith midnightdark in its fathomless depth and measureless
distance and for those trembling stars that followed her course they made my
heart tremble my veins glow when I viewed them Little things recall us to
earth the clock struck in the hall that sufficed I turned from moon and
stars opened a sidedoor and went in
The hall was not dark nor yet was it lit only by the highhung bronze lamp
a warm glow suffused both it and the lower steps of the oak staircase This
ruddy shine issued from the great diningroom whose twoleaved door stood open
and showed a genial fire in the grate glancing on marble hearth and brass
fireirons and revealing purple draperies and polished furniture in the most
pleasant radiance It revealed too a group near the mantelpiece I had
scarcely caught it and scarcely become aware of a cheerful mingling of voices
amongst which I seemed to distinguish the tones of Adèle when the door closed
I hastened to Mrs Fairfaxs room there was a fire there too but no
candle and no Mrs Fairfax Instead all alone sitting upright on the rug and
gazing with gravity at the blaze I beheld a great black and white longhaired
dog just like the Gytrash of the lane It was so like it that I went forward
and said
»Pilot« and the thing got up and came to me and snuffed me I caressed him
and he wagged his great tail but he looked an eerie creature to be alone with
and I could not tell whence he had come I rang the bell for I wanted a candle
and I wanted too to get an account of this visitant Leah entered
»What dog is this«
»He came with master«
»With whom«
»With master Mr Rochester he is just arrived«
»Indeed and is Mrs Fairfax with him«
»Yes and Miss Adela they are in the diningroom and John is gone for a
surgeon for master has had an accident his horse fell and his ankle is
sprained«
»Did the horse fall in HayLane«
»Yes coming down hill it slipped on some ice«
»Ah Bring me a candle will you Leah«
Leah brought it she entered followed by Mrs Fairfax who repeated the
news adding that Mr Carter the surgeon was come and was now with Mr
Rochester then she hurried out to give orders about tea and I went up stairs
to take off my things
Chapter XIII
Mr Rochester it seems by the surgeons orders went to bed early that night
nor did he rise soon next morning When he did come down it was to attend to
business his agent and some of his tenants were arrived and waiting to speak
with him
Adèle and I had now to vacate the library it would be in daily requisition
as a receptionroom for callers A fire was lit in an apartment up stairs and
there I carried our books and arranged it for the future schoolroom I
discerned in the course of the morning that ThornfieldHall was a changed place
no longer silent as a church it echoed every hour or two to a knock at the door
or a clang of the bell steps too often traversed the hall and new voices
spoke in different keys below a rill from the outer world was flowing through
it it had a master for my part I liked it better
Adèle was not easy to teach that day she could not apply she kept running
to the door and looking over the banisters to see if she could get a glimpse of
Mr Rochester then she coined pretexts to go down stairs in order as I
shrewdly suspected to visit the library where I knew she was not wanted then
when I got a little angry and made her sit still she continued to talk
incessantly of her »ami Monsieur Edouard Fairfax de Rochester« as she dubbed
him I had not before heard his prenomens and to conjecture what presents he
had brought her for it appears he had intimated the night before that when his
luggage came from Millcote there would be found amongst it a little box in
whose contents she had an interest
»Et cela doit signifier« said she »quil y aura là dedans un cadeau pour
moi et peutêtre pour vous aussi mademoiselle Monsieur a parlé de vous il ma
demandé le nom de ma gouvernante et si elle nétait pas une petite personne
assez mince et un peu pâle Jai dit quoui car cest vrai nestce pas
mademoiselle«
I and my pupil dined as usual in Mrs Fairfaxs parlour the afternoon was
wild and snowy and we passed it in the schoolroom At dark I allowed Adèle to
put away books and work and to run down stairs for from the comparative
silence below and from the cessation of appeals to the doorbell I conjectured
that Mr Rochester was now at liberty Left alone I walked to the window but
nothing was to be seen thence twilight and snowflakes together thickened the
air and hid the very shrubs on the lawn I let down the curtain and went back
to the fireside
In the clear embers I was tracing a view not unlike a picture I remembered
to have seen of the castle of Heidelberg on the Rhine when Mrs Fairfax came
in breaking up by her entrance the fiery mosaic I had been piecing together
and scattering too some heavy unwelcome thoughts that were beginning to throng
on my solitude
»Mr Rochester would be glad if you and your pupil would take tea with him
in the drawingroom this evening« said she »he has been so much engaged all
day that he could not ask to see you before«
»When is his teatime« I inquired
»Oh at six oclock he keeps early hours in the country You had better
change your frock now I will go with you and fasten it Here is a candle«
»Is it necessary to change my frock«
»Yes you had better I always dress for the evening when Mr Rochester is
here«
This additional ceremony seemed somewhat stately however I repaired to my
room and with Mrs Fairfaxs aid replaced my black stuff dress by one of
black silk the best and the only additional one I had except one of light
gray which in my Lowood notions of the toilette I thought too fine to be
worn except on firstrate occasions
»You want a brooch« said Mrs Fairfax I had a single little pearl ornament
which Miss Temple gave me as a parting keepsake I put it on and then we went
down stairs Unused as I was to strangers it was rather a trial to appear thus
formally summoned in Mr Rochesters presence I let Mrs Fairfax precede me
into the diningroom and kept in her shade as we crossed that apartment and
passing the arch whose curtain was now dropped entered the elegant recess
beyond
Two wax candles stood lighted on the table and two on the mantelpiece
basking in the light and heat of a superb fire lay Pilot Adèle knelt near
him Half reclined on a couch appeared Mr Rochester his foot supported by the
cushion he was looking at Adèle and the dog the fire shone full on his face I
knew my traveller with his broad and jetty eyebrows his square forehead made
squarer by the horizontal sweep of his black hair I recognised his decisive
nose more remarkable for character than beauty his full nostrils denoting I
thought choler his grim mouth chin and jaw yes all three were very grim
and no mistake His shape now divested of cloak I perceived harmonized in
squareness with his physiognomy I suppose it was a good figure in the athletic
sense of the term broad chested and thin flanked though neither tall nor
graceful
Mr Rochester must have been aware of the entrance of Mrs Fairfax and
myself but it appeared he was not in the mood to notice us for he never lifted
his head as we approached
»Here is Miss Eyre sir« said Mrs Fairfax in her quiet way He bowed
still not taking his eyes from the group of the dog and child
»Let Miss Eyre be seated« said he and there was something in the forced
stiff bow in the impatient yet formal tone which seemed further to express
»What the deuce is it to me whether Miss Eyre be there or not At this moment I
am not disposed to accost her«
I sat down quite disembarrassed A reception of finished politeness would
probably have confused me I could not have returned or repaid it by answering
grace and elegance on my part but harsh caprice laid me under no obligation on
the contrary a decent quiescence under the freak of manner gave me the
advantage Besides the eccentricity of the proceeding was piquant I felt
interested to see how he would go on
He went on as a statue would that is he neither spoke nor moved Mrs
Fairfax seemed to think it necessary that some one should be amiable and she
began to talk Kindly as usual and as usual rather trite she condoled
with him on the pressure of business he had had all day on the annoyance it
must have been to him with that painful sprain then she commended his patience
and perseverance in going through with it
»Madam I should like some tea« was the sole rejoinder she got She
hastened to ring the bell and when the tray came she proceeded to arrange the
cups spoons etc with assiduous celerity I and Adèle went to the table but
the master did not leave his couch
»Will you hand Mr Rochesters cup« said Mrs Fairfax to me »Adèle might
perhaps spill it«
I did as requested As he took the cup from my hand Adèle thinking the
moment propitious for making a request in my favour cried out
»Nestce pas monsieur quil y a un cadeau pour Mademoiselle Eyre dans
votre petit coffre«
»Who talks of cadeaux« said he gruffly »did you expect a present Miss
Eyre Are you fond of presents« and he searched my face with eyes that I saw
were dark irate and piercing
»I hardly know sir I have little experience of them they are generally
thought pleasant things«
»Generally thought But what do you think«
»I should be obliged to take time sir before I could give you an answer
worthy of your acceptance a present has many faces to it has it not and one
should consider all before pronouncing an opinion as to its nature«
»Miss Eyre you are not so unsophisticated as Adèle she demands a cadeau
clamorously the moment she sees me you beat about the bush«
»Because I have less confidence in my deserts than Adèle has she can prefer
the claim of old acquaintance and the right too of custom for she says you
have always been in the habit of giving her playthings but if I had to make out
a case I should be puzzled since I am a stranger and have done nothing to
entitle me to an acknowledgment«
»Oh dont fall back on overmodesty I have examined Adèle and find you
have taken great pains with her she is not bright she has no talents yet in a
short time she has made much improvement«
»Sir you have now given me my cadeau I am obliged to you it is the meed
teachers most covet praise of their pupils progress«
»Humph« said Mr Rochester and he took his tea in silence
»Come to the fire« said the master when the tray was taken away and Mrs
Fairfax had settled into a corner with her knitting while Adèle was leading me
by the hand round the room showing me the beautiful books and ornaments on the
consoles and chiffonnières We obeyed as in duty bound Adèle wanted to take a
seat on my knee but she was ordered to amuse herself with Pilot
»You have been resident in my house three months«
»Yes sir«
»And you came from «
»From Lowood school in shire«
»Ah a charitable concern How long were you there«
»Eight years«
»Eight years you must be tenacious of life I thought half the time in such
a place would have done up any constitution No wonder you have rather the look
of another world I marvelled where you had got that sort of face When you came
on me in HayLane last night I thought unaccountably of fairy tales and had
half a mind to demand whether you had bewitched my horse I am not sure yet Who
are your parents«
»I have none«
»Nor ever had I suppose do you remember them«
»No«
»I thought not And so you were waiting for your people when you sat on that
stile«
»For whom sir«
»For the men in green it was a proper moonlight evening for them Did I
break through one of your rings that you spread that damned ice on the
causeway«
I shook my head »The men in green all forsook England a hundred years ago«
said I speaking as seriously as he had done »And not even in HayLane or the
fields about it could you find a trace of them I dont think either summer or
harvest or winter moon will ever shine on their revels more«
Mrs Fairfax had dropped her knitting and with raised eyebrows seemed
wondering what sort of talk this was
»Well« resumed Mr Rochester »if you disown parents you must have some
sort of kinsfolk uncles and aunts«
»No none that I ever saw«
»And your home«
»I have none«
»Where do your brothers and sisters live«
»I have no brothers or sisters«
»Who recommended you to come here«
»I advertised and Mrs Fairfax answered my advertisement«
»Yes« said the good lady who now knew what ground we were upon »and I am
daily thankful for the choice Providence led me to make Miss Eyre has been an
invaluable companion to me and a kind and careful teacher to Adèle«
»Dont trouble yourself to give her a character« returned Mr Rochester
»eulogiums will not bias me I shall judge for myself She began by felling my
horse«
»Sir« said Mrs Fairfax
»I have to thank her for this sprain«
The widow looked bewildered
»Miss Eyre have you ever lived in a town«
»No sir«
»Have you seen much society«
»None but the pupils and teachers of Lowood and now the inmates of
Thornfield«
»Have you read much«
»Only such books as came in my way and they have not been numerous or very
learned«
»You have lived the life of a nun no doubt you are well drilled in
religious forms Brocklehurst who I understand directs Lowood is a parson
is he not«
»Yes sir«
»And you girls probably worshipped him as a convent full of religieuses
would worship their director«
»Oh no«
»You are very cool No What a novice not worship her priest That sounds
blasphemous«
»I disliked Mr Brocklehurst and I was not alone in the feeling He is a
harsh man at once pompous and meddling he cut off our hair and for economys
sake bought us bad needles and thread with which we could hardly sew«
»That was very false economy« remarked Mrs Fairfax who now again caught
the drift of the dialogue
»And was that the head and front of his offending« demanded Mr Rochester
»He starved us when he had the sole superintendence of the provision
department before the committee was appointed and he bored us with long
lectures once a week and with evening readings from books of his own inditing
about sudden deaths and judgments which made us afraid to go to bed«
»What age were you when you went to Lowood«
»About ten«
»And you stayed there eight years you are now then eighteen«
I assented
»Arithmetic you see is useful without its aid I should hardly have been
able to guess your age It is a point difficult to fix where the features and
countenance are so much at variance as in your case And now what did you learn
at Lowood Can you play«
»A little«
»Of course that is the established answer Go into the library I mean if
you please Excuse my tone of command I am used to say Do this and it is
done I cannot alter my customary habits for one new inmate Go then into
the library take a candle with you leave the door open sit down to the piano
and play a tune«
I departed obeying his directions
»Enough« he called out in a few minutes »You play a little I see like
any other English schoolgirl perhaps rather better than some but not well«
I closed the piano and returned Mr Rochester continued
»Adèle showed me some sketches this morning which she said were yours I
dont know whether they were entirely of your doing probably a master aided
you«
»No indeed« I interjected
»Ah that pricks pride Well fetch me your portfolio if you can vouch for
its contents being original but dont pass your word unless you are certain I
can recognise patchwork«
»Then I will say nothing and you shall judge for yourself sir«
I brought the portfolio from the library
»Approach the table« said he and I wheeled it to his couch Adèle and Mrs
Fairfax drew near to see the pictures
»No crowding« said Mr Rochester »take the drawings from my hand as I
finish with them but dont push your faces up to mine«
He deliberately scrutinized each sketch and painting Three he laid aside
the others when he had examined them he swept from him
»Take them off to the other table Mrs Fairfax« said he »and look at them
with Adèle you« glancing at me »resume your seat and answer my questions
I perceive these pictures were done by one hand was that hand yours«
»Yes«
»And when did you find time to do them They have taken much time and some
thought«
»I did them in the last two vacations I spent at Lowood when I had no other
occupation«
»Where did you get your copies«
»Out of my head«
»That head I see now on your shoulders«
»Yes sir«
»Has it other furniture of the same kind within«
»I should think it may have I should hope better«
He spread the pictures before him and again surveyed them alternately
While he is so occupied I will tell you reader what they are and first
I must premise that they are nothing wonderful The subjects had indeed risen
vividly on my mind As I saw them with the spiritual eye before I attempted to
embody them they were striking but my hand would not second my fancy and in
each case it had wrought out but a pale portrait of the thing I had conceived
These pictures were in water colours The first represented clouds low and
livid rolling over a swollen sea all the distance was in eclipse so too was
the foreground or rather the nearest billows for there was no land One gleam
of light lifted into relief a halfsubmerged mast on which sat a cormorant
dark and large with wings flecked with foam its beak held a gold bracelet set
with gems that I had touched with as brilliant tints as my palette could yield
and as glittering distinctness as my pencil could impart Sinking below the bird
and mast a drowned corpse glanced through the green water a fair arm was the
only limb clearly visible whence the bracelet had been washed or torn
The second picture contained for foreground only the dim peak of a hill
with grass and some leaves slanting as if by a breeze Beyond and above spread
an expanse of sky dark blue as at twilight rising into the sky was a womans
shape to the bust portrayed in tints as dusk and soft as I could combine The
dim forehead was crowned with a star the lineaments below were seen as through
the suffusion of vapour the eyes shone dark and wild the hair streamed
shadowy like a beamless cloud torn by storm or by electric travail On the neck
lay a pale reflection like moonlight the same faint lustre touched the train of
thin clouds from which rose and bowed this vision of the Evening Star
The third showed the pinnacle of an iceberg piercing a polar winter sky a
muster of northern lights reared their dim lances close serried along the
horizon Throwing these into distance rose in the foreground a head a
colossal head inclined towards the iceberg and resting against it Two thin
hands joined under the forehead and supporting it drew up before the lower
features a sable veil a brow quite bloodless white as bone and an eye hollow
and fixed blank of meaning but for the glassiness of despair alone were
visible Above the temples amidst wreathed turban folds of black drapery vague
in its character and consistency as cloud gleamed a ring of white flame gemmed
with sparkles of a more lurid tinge This pale crescent was »The likeness of a
Kingly Crown« what it diademed was »the shape which shape had none«
»Were you happy when you painted these pictures« asked Mr Rochester
presently
»I was absorbed sir yes and I was happy To paint them in short was to
enjoy one of the keenest pleasures I have ever known«
»That is not saying much Your pleasures by your own account have been
few but I daresay you did exist in a kind of artists dreamland while you blent
and arranged these strange tints Did you sit at them long each day«
»I had nothing else to do because it was the vacation and I sat at them
from morning till noon and from noon till night the length of the midsummer
days favoured my inclination to apply«
»And you felt selfsatisfied with the result of your ardent labours«
»Far from it I was tormented by the contrast between my idea and my
handiwork in each case I had imagined something which I was quite powerless to
realize«
»Not quite you have secured the shadow of your thought but no more
probably You had not enough of the artists skill and science to give it full
being yet the drawings are for a school girl peculiar As to the thoughts
they are elfish These eyes in the Evening Star you must have seen in a dream
How could you make them look so clear and yet not at all brilliant for the
planet above quells their rays And what meaning is that in their solemn depth
And who taught you to paint wind There is a high gale in that sky and on this
hilltop Where did you see Latmos For that is Latmos There put the
drawings away«
I had scarce tied the strings of the portfolio when looking at his watch
he said abruptly
»It is nine oclock what are you about Miss Eyre to let Adèle sit up so
long Take her to bed«
Adèle went to kiss him before quitting the room he endured the caress but
scarcely seemed to relish it more than Pilot would have done nor so much
»I wish you all goodnight now« said he making a movement of the hand
towards the door in token that he was tired of our company and wished to
dismiss us Mrs Fairfax folded up her knitting I took my portfolio we
curtseyed to him received a frigid bow in return and so withdrew
»You said Mr Rochester was not strikingly peculiar Mrs Fairfax« I
observed when I rejoined her in her room after putting Adèle to bed
»Well is he«
»I think so he is very changeful and abrupt«
»True no doubt he may appear so to a stranger but I am so accustomed to
his manner I never think of it and then if he has peculiarities of temper
allowance should be made«
»Why«
»Partly because it is his nature and we can none of us help our nature
and partly he has painful thoughts no doubt to harass him and make his
spirits unequal«
»What about«
»Family troubles for one thing«
»But he has no family«
»Not now but he has had or at least relatives He lost his elder
brother a few years since«
»His elaer brother«
»Yes The present Mr Rochester has not been very long in possession of the
property only about nine years«
»Nine years is a tolerable time Was he so very fond of his brother as to be
still inconsolable for his loss«
»Why no perhaps not I believe there were some misunderstandings between
them Mr Rowland Rochester was not quite just to Mr Edward and perhaps he
prejudiced his father against him The old gentleman was fond of money and
anxious to keep the family estate together He did not like to diminish the
property by division and yet he was anxious that Mr Edward should have wealth
too to keep up the consequence of the name and soon after he was of age some
steps were taken that were not quite fair and made a great deal of mischief
Old Mr Rochester and Mr Rowland combined to bring Mr Edward into what he
considered a painful position for the sake of making his fortune what the
precise nature of that position was I never clearly knew but his spirit could
not brook what he had to suffer in it He is not very forgiving he broke with
his family and now for many years he has led an unsettled kind of life I dont
think he has ever been resident at Thornfield for a fortnight together since
the death of his brother without a will left him master of the estate and
indeed no wonder he shuns the old place«
»Why should he shun it«
»Perhaps he thinks it gloomy«
The answer was evasive I should have liked something clearer but Mrs
Fairfax either could not or would not give me more explicit information of the
origin and nature of Mr Rochesters trials She averred they were a mystery to
herself and that what she knew was chiefly from conjecture It was evident
indeed that she wished me to drop the subject which I did accordingly
Chapter XIV
For several subsequent days I saw little of Mr Rochester In the mornings he
seemed much engaged with business and in the afternoon gentlemen from Millcote
or the neighbourhood called and sometimes stayed to dine with him When his
sprain was well enough to admit of horse exercise he rode out a good deal
probably to return these visits as he generally did not come back till late at
night
During this interval even Adèle was seldom sent for to his presence and
all my acquaintance with him was confined to an occasional rencontre in the
hall on the stairs or in the gallery when he would sometimes pass me
haughtily and coldly just acknowledging my presence by a distant nod or a cool
glance and sometimes bow and smile with gentlemanlike affability His changes
of mood did not offend me because I saw that I had nothing to do with their
alternation the ebb and flow depended on causes quite disconnected with me
One day he had had company to dinner and had sent for my portfolio in
order doubtless to exhibit its contents the gentlemen went away early to
attend a public meeting at Millcote as Mrs Fairfax informed me but the night
being wet and inclement Mr Rochester did not accompany them Soon after they
were gone he rang the bell a message came that I and Adèle were to go down
stairs I brushed Adèles hair and made her neat and having ascertained that I
was myself in my usual Quaker trim where there was nothing to retouch all
being too close and plain braided locks included to admit of disarrangement
we descended Adèle wondering whether the petit coffre was at length come for
owing to some mistake its arrival had hitherto been delayed She was gratified
there it stood a little carton on the table when we entered the diningroom
She appeared to know it by instinct
»Ma boîte ma boîte« exclaimed she running towards it
»Yes there is your boîte at last take it into a corner you genuine
daughter of Paris and amuse yourself with disembowelling it« said the deep and
rather sarcastic voice of Mr Rochester proceeding from the depths of an
immense easychair at the fireside »And mind« he continued »dont bother me
with any details of the anatomical process or any notice of the condition of
the entrails let your operation be conducted in silence tienstoi tranquille
enfant comprendstu«
Adèle seemed scarcely to need the warning she had already retired to a sofa
with her treasure and was busy untying the cord which secured the lid Having
removed this impediment and lifted certain silvery envelopes of tissue paper
she merely exclaimed
»Oh Ciel Que cest beau« and then remained absorbed in ecstatic
contemplation
»Is Miss Eyre there« now demanded the master half rising from his seat to
look round to the door near which I still stood
»Ah well come forward be seated here« He drew a chair near his own »I
am not fond of the prattle of children« he continued »for old bachelor as I
am I have no pleasant associations connected with their lisp It would be
intolerable to me to pass a whole evening têteàtête with a brat Dont draw
that chair further off Miss Eyre sit down exactly where I placed it if you
please that is Confound these civilities I continually forget them Nor do I
particularly affect simpleminded old ladies Bytheby I must have in mine it
wont do to neglect her she is a Fairfax or wed to one and blood is said to
be thicker than water«
He rang and despatched an invitation to Mrs Fairfax who soon arrived
knittingbasket in hand
»Goodevening madam I sent to you for a charitable purpose I have
forbidden Adèle to talk to me about her presents and she is bursting with
repletion have the goodness to serve her as auditress and interlocutrice it
will be one of the most benevolent acts you ever performed«
Adèle indeed no sooner saw Mrs Fairfax than she summoned her to her
sofa and there quickly filled her lap with the porcelain the ivory the waxen
contents of her boîte pouring out meantime explanations and raptures in such
broken English as she was mistress of
»Now I have performed the part of a good host« pursued Mr Rochester »put
my guests into the way of amusing each other I ought to be at liberty to attend
to my own pleasure Miss Eyre draw your chair still a little further forward
you are yet too far back I cannot see you without disturbing my position in
this comfortable chair which I have no mind to do«
I did as I was bid though I would much rather have remained somewhat in the
shade but Mr Rochester had such a direct way of giving orders it seemed a
matter of course to obey him promptly
We were as I have said in the diningroom the lustre which had been lit
for dinner filled the room with a festal breadth of light the large fire was
all red and clear the purple curtains hung rich and ample before the lofty
window and loftier arch everything was still save the subdued chat of Adèle
she dared not speak loud and filling up each pause the beating of winter
rain against the panes
Mr Rochester as he sat in his damaskcovered chair looked different to
what I had seen him look before not quite so stern much less gloomy There
was a smile on his lips and his eyes sparkled whether with wine or not I am
not sure but I think it very probable He was in short in his afterdinner
mood more expanded and genial and also more selfindulgent than the frigid and
rigid temper of the morning still he looked preciously grim cushioning his
massive head against the swelling back of his chair and receiving the light of
the fire on his granitehewn features and in his great dark eyes for he had
great dark eyes and very fine eyes too not without a certain change in their
depths sometimes which if it was not softness reminded you at least of that
feeling
He had been looking two minutes at the fire and I had been looking the same
length of time at him when turning suddenly he caught my gaze fastened on
his physiognomy
»You examine me Miss Eyre« said he »do you think me handsome«
I should if I had deliberated have replied to this question by something
conventionally vague and polite but the answer somehow slipped from my tongue
before I was aware »No sir«
»Ah By my word there is something singular about you« said he »you have
the air of a little nonnette quaint quiet grave and simple as you sit with
your hands before you and your eyes generally bent on the carpet except
bytheby when they are directed piercingly to my face as just now for
instance and when one asks you a question or makes a remark to which you are
obliged to reply you rap out a round rejoinder which if not blunt is at
least brusque What do you mean by it«
»Sir I was too plain I beg your pardon I ought to have replied that it
was not easy to give an impromptu answer to a question about appearances that
tastes differ that beauty is of little consequence or something of that sort«
»You ought to have replied no such thing Beauty of little consequence
indeed And so under pretence of softening the previous outrage of stroking
and soothing me into placidity you stick a sly penknife under my ear Go on
what fault do you find with me pray I suppose I have all my limbs and all my
features like any other man«
»Mr Rochester allow me to disown my first answer I intended no pointed
repartee it was only a blunder«
»Just so I think so and you shall be answerable for it Criticize me does
my forehead not please you«
He lifted up the sable waves of hair which lay horizontally over his brow
and showed a solid enough mass of intellectual organs but an abrupt deficiency
where the suave sign of benevolence should have risen
»Now maam am I a fool«
»Far from it sir You would perhaps think me rude if I inquired in return
whether you are a philanthropist«
»There again Another stick of the penknife when she pretended to pat my
head and that is because I said I did not like the society of children and old
women low be it spoken No young lady I am not a general philanthropist
but I bear a conscience« and he pointed to the prominences which are said to
indicate that faculty and which fortunately for him were sufficiently
conspicuous giving indeed a marked breadth to the upper part of his head
»and besides I once had a kind of rude tenderness of heart When I was as old
as you I was a feeling fellow enough partial to the unfledged unfostered and
unlucky but fortune has knocked me about since she has even kneaded me with
her knuckles and now I flatter myself I am hard and tough as an Indianrubber
ball pervious though through a chink or two still and with one sentient
point in the middle of the lump Yes does that leave hope for me«
»Hope of what sir«
»Of my final retransformation from Indianrubber back to flesh«
»Decidedly he has had too much wine« I thought and I did not know what
answer to make to his queer question how could I tell whether he was capable of
being retransformed
»You look very much puzzled Miss Eyre and though you are not pretty any
more than I am handsome yet a puzzled air becomes you besides it is
convenient for it keeps those searching eyes of yours away from my physiognomy
and busies them with the worsted flowers of the rug so puzzle on Young lady I
am disposed to be gregarious and communicative tonight«
With this announcement he rose from his chair and stood leaning his arm on
the marble mantelpiece in that attitude his shape was seen plainly as well as
his face his unusual breadth of chest disproportionate almost to his length of
limb I am sure most people would have thought him an ugly man yet there was so
much unconscious pride in his port so much ease in his demeanour such a look
of complete indifference to his own external appearance so haughty a reliance
on the power of other qualities intrinsic or adventitious to atone for the
lack of mere personal attractiveness that in looking at him one inevitably
shared the indifference and even in a blind imperfect sense put faith in the
confidence
»I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative tonight« he repeated
»and that is why I sent for you the fire and the chandelier were not sufficient
company for me nor would Pilot have been for none of these can talk Adèle is
a degree better but still far below the mark Mrs Fairfax ditto you I am
persuaded can suit me if you will you puzzled me the first evening I invited
you down here I have almost forgotten you since other ideas have driven yours
from my head but tonight I am resolved to be at ease to dismiss what
importunes and recall what pleases It would please me now to draw you out to
learn more of you therefore speak«
Instead of speaking I smiled and not a very complacent or submissive smile
either
»Speak« he urged
»What about sir«
»Whatever you like I leave both the choice of subject and the manner of
treating it entirely to yourself«
Accordingly I sat and said nothing »If he expects me to talk for the mere
sake of talking and showing off he will find he has addressed himself to the
wrong person« I thought
»You are dumb Miss Eyre«
I was dumb still He bent his head a little towards me and with a single
hasty glance seemed to dive into my eyes
»Stubborn« he said »and annoyed Ah it is consistent I put my request in
an absurd almost insolent form Miss Eyre I beg your pardon The fact is once
for all I dont wish to treat you like an inferior that is correcting
himself I claim only such superiority as must result from twenty years
difference in age and a centurys advance in experience This is legitimate et
jy tiens as Adèle would say and it is by virtue of this superiority and this
alone that I desire you to have the goodness to talk to me a little now and
divert my thoughts which are galled with dwelling on one point cankering as a
rusty nail«
He had deigned an explanation almost an apology I did not feel insensible
to his condescension and would not seem so
»I am willing to amuse you if I can sir quite willing but I cannot
introduce a topic because how do I know what will interest you Ask me
questions and I will do my best to answer them«
»Then in the first place do you agree with me that I have a right to be a
little masterful abrupt perhaps exacting sometimes on the grounds I stated
namely that I am old enough to be your father and that I have battled through
a varied experience with many men of many nations and roamed over half the
globe while you have lived quietly with one set of people in one house«
»Do as you please sir«
»That is no answer or rather it is a very irritating because a very
evasive one reply clearly«
»I dont think sir you have a right to command me merely because you are
older than I or because you have seen more of the world than I have your
claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and
experience«
»Humph Promptly spoken But I wont allow that seeing that it would never
suit my case as I have made an indifferent not to say a bad use of both
advantages Leaving superiority out of the question then you must still agree
to receive my orders now and then without being piqued or hurt by the tone of
command will you«
I smiled I thought to myself Mr Rochester is peculiar he seems to forget
that he pays me 30l per annum for receiving his orders
»The smile is very well« said he catching instantly the passing
expression »but speak too«
»I was thinking sir that very few masters would trouble themselves to
inquire whether or not their paid subordinates were piqued and hurt by their
orders«
»Paid subordinates What you are my paid subordinate are you Oh yes I
had forgotten the salary Well then on that mercenary ground will you agree to
let me hector a little«
»No sir not on that ground but on the ground that you did forget it and
that you care whether or not a dependant is comfortable in his dependency I
agree heartily«
»And will you consent to dispense with a great many conventional forms and
phrases without thinking that the omission arises from insolence«
»I am sure sir I should never mistake informality for insolence one I
rather like the other nothing freeborn would submit to even for a salary«
»Humbug Most things freeborn will submit to anything for a salary
therefore keep to yourself and dont venture on generalities of which you are
intensely ignorant However I mentally shake hands with you for your answer
despite its inaccuracy and as much for the manner in which it was said as for
the substance of the speech the manner was frank and sincere one does not
often see such a manner no on the contrary affectation or coldness or
stupid coarseminded misapprehension of ones meaning are the usual rewards of
candour Not three in three thousand raw schoolgirlgovernesses would have
answered me as you have just done But I dont mean to flatter you if you are
cast in a different mould to the majority it is no merit of yours Nature did
it And then after all I go too fast in my conclusions for what I yet know
you may be no better than the rest you may have intolerable defects to
counterbalance your few good points«
»And so may you« I thought My eye met his as the idea crossed my mind he
seemed to read the glance answering as if its import had been spoken as well as
imagined
»Yes yes you are right« said he »I have plenty of faults of my own I
know it and I dont wish to palliate them I assure you God wot I need not be
too severe about others I have a past existence a series of deeds a colour of
life to contemplate within my own breast which might well call my sneers and
censures from my neighbours to myself I started or rather for like other
defaulters I like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse
circumstances was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one and twenty and
have never recovered the right course since but I might have been very
different I might have been as good as you wiser almost as stainless I
envy you your peace of mind your clean conscience your unpolluted memory
Little girl a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite
treasure an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment is it not«
»How was your memory when you were eighteen sir«
»All right then limpid salubrious no gush of bilge water had turned it to
fetid puddle I was your equal at eighteen quite your equal Nature meant me
to be on the whole a good man Miss Eyre one of the better end and you see I
am not so You would say you dont see it at least I flatter myself I read as
much in your eye beware bytheby what you express with that organ I am
quick at interpreting its language Then take my word for it I am not a
villain you are not to suppose that not to attribute to me any such bad
eminence but owing I verily believe rather to circumstances than to my
natural bent I am a trite commonplace sinner hackneyed in all the poor petty
dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life Do you wonder
that I avow this to you Know that in the course of your future life you will
often find yourself elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances
secrets people will instinctively find out as I have done that it is not your
forte to talk of yourself but to listen while others talk of themselves they
will feel too that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their indiscretion
but with a kind of innate sympathy not the less comforting and encouraging
because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations«
»How do you know how can you guess all this sir«
»I know it well therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I were writing
my thoughts in a diary You would say I should have been superior to
circumstances so I should so I should but you see I was not When fate
wronged me I had not the wisdom to remain cool I turned desperate then I
degenerated Now when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry
ribaldry I cannot flatter myself that I am better than he I am forced to
confess that he and I are on a level I wish I had stood firm God knows I do
Dread remorse when you are tempted to err Miss Eyre remorse is the poison of
life«
»Repentance is said to be its cure sir«
»It is not its cure Reformation may be its cure and I could reform I
have strength yet for that if but where is the use of thinking of it
hampered burdened cursed as I am Besides since happiness is irrevocably
denied me I have a right to get pleasure out of life and I will get it cost
what it may«
»Then you will degenerate still more sir«
»Possibly yet why should I if I can get sweet fresh pleasure And I may
get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor«
»It will sting it will taste bitter sir«
»How do you know you never tried it How very serious how very solemn
you look and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head« taking one
from the mantelpiece »You have no right to preach to me you neophyte that
have not passed the porch of life and are absolutely unacquainted with its
mysteries«
»I only remind you of your own words sir you said error brought remorse
and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence«
»And who talks of error now I scarcely think the notion that flittered
across my brain was an error I believe it was an inspiration rather than a
temptation it was very genial very soothing I know that Here it comes
again It is no devil I assure you or if it be it has put on the robes of an
angel of light I think I must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my
heart«
»Distrust it sir it is not a true angel«
»Once more how do you know By what instinct do you pretend to distinguish
between a fallen seraph of the abyss and a messenger from the eternal throne
between a guide and a seducer«
»I judged by your countenance sir which was troubled when you said the
suggestion had returned upon you I feel sure it will work you more misery if
you listen to it«
»Not at all it bears the most gracious message in the world for the rest
you are not my consciencekeeper so dont make yourself uneasy Here come in
bonny wanderer«
He said this as if he spoke to a vision viewless to any eye but his own
then folding his arms which he had half extended on his chest he seemed to
enclose in their embrace the invisible being
»Now« he continued again addressing me »I have received the pilgrim a
disguised deity as I verily believe Already it has done me good my heart was
a sort of charnel it will now be a shrine«
»To speak truth sir I dont understand you at all I cannot keep up the
conversation because it has got out of my depth Only one thing I know you
said you were not as good as you should like to be and that you regretted your
own imperfection one thing I can comprehend you intimated that to have a
sullied memory was a perpetual bane It seems to me that if you tried hard you
would in time find it possible to become what you yourself would approve and
that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and
actions you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of
recollections to which you might revert with pleasure«
»Justly thought rightly said Miss Eyre and at this moment I am paving
hell with energy«
»Sir«
»I am laying down good intentions which I believe durable as flint
Certainly my associates and pursuits shall be other than they have been«
»And better«
»And better so much better as pure ore is than foul dross You seem to
doubt me I dont doubt myself I know what my aim is what my motives are and
at this moment I pass a law unalterable as that of the Medes and Persians that
both are right«
»They cannot be sir if they require a new statute to legalize them«
»They are Miss Eyre though they absolutely require a new statute
unheardof combinations of circumstances demand unheardof rules«
»That sounds a dangerous maxim sir because one can see at once that it is
liable to abuse«
»Sententious sage so it is but I swear by my household gods not to abuse
it«
»You are human and fallible«
»I am so are you what then«
»The human and fallible should not arrogate a power with which the divine
and perfect alone can be safely entrusted«
»What power«
»That of saying of any strange unsanctioned line of action Let it be
right«
»Let it be right the very words you have pronounced them«
»May it be right then« I said as I rose deeming it useless to continue a
discourse which was all darkness to me and besides sensible that the
character of my interlocutor was beyond my penetration at least beyond its
present reach and feeling the uncertainty the vague sense of insecurity which
accompanies a conviction of ignorance
»Where are you going«
»To put Adèle to bed it is past her bedtime«
»You are afraid of me because I talk like a Sphynx«
»Your language is enigmatical sir but though I am bewildered I am
certainly not afraid«
»You are afraid your selflove dreads a blunder«
»In that sense I do feel apprehensive I have no wish to talk nonsense«
»If you did it would be in such a grave quiet manner I should mistake it
for sense Do you never laugh Miss Eyre Dont trouble yourself to answer I
see you laugh rarely but you can laugh very merrily believe me you are not
naturally austere any more than I am naturally vicious The Lowood constraint
still clings to you somewhat controlling your features muffling your voice
and restricting your limbs and you fear in the presence of a man and a brother
or father or master or what you will to smile too gaily speak too freely
or move too quickly but in time I think you will learn to be natural with me
as I find it impossible to be conventional with you and then your looks and
movements will have more vivacity and variety than they dare offer now I see
at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the closeset bars of
a cage a vivid restless resolute captive is there were it but free it would
soar cloudhigh You are still bent on going«
»It has struck nine sir«
»Never mind wait a minute Adèle is not ready to go to bed yet My
position Miss Eyre with my back to the fire and my face to the room favours
observation While talking to you I have also occasionally watched Adèle I
have my own reasons for thinking her a curious study reasons that I may nay
that I shall impart to you some day she pulled out of her box about ten
minutes ago a little pink silk frock rapture lit her face as she unfolded it
coquetry runs in her blood blends with her brains and seasons the marrow of
her bones Il faut que je lessaie cried she et à linstant même and she
rushed out of the room She is now with Sophie undergoing a robing process in
a few minutes she will reenter and I know what I shall see a miniature of
Céline Varens as she used to appear on the boards at the rising of but
never mind that However my tenderest feelings are about to receive a shock
such is my presentiment stay now to see whether it will be realized«
Ere long Adèles little foot was heard tripping across the hall She
entered transformed as her guardian had predicted A dress of rosecoloured
satin very short and as full in the skirt as it could be gathered replaced
the brown frock she had previously worn a wreath of rosebuds circled her
forehead her feet were dressed in silk stockings and small white satin sandals
»Estce que ma robe va bien« cried she bounding forwards »et mes
souliers et mes bas Tenez je crois que je vais danser«
And spreading out her dress she chasséed across the room till having
reached Mr Rochester she wheeled lightly round before him on tiptoe then
dropped on one knee at his feet exclaiming
»Monsieur je vous remercie mille fois de votre bonté« then rising she
added »Cest comme cela que maman faisait nestce pas monsieur«
»Precisely« was the answer »and comme cela she charmed my English gold
out of my British breeches pocket I have been green too Miss Eyre ay
grass green not a more vernal tint freshens you now than once freshened me My
Spring is gone however but it has left me that French floweret on my hands
which in some moods I would fain be rid of Not valuing now the root whence it
sprang having found that it was of a sort which nothing but gold dust could
manure I have but half a liking to the blossom especially when it looks so
artificial as just now I keep it and rear it rather on the Roman Catholic
principle of expiating numerous sins great or small by one good work Ill
explain all this some day Goodnight«
Chapter XV
Mr Rochester did on a future occasion explain it
It was one afternoon when he chanced to meet me and Adèle in the grounds
and while she played with Pilot and her shuttlecock he asked me to walk up and
down a long beech avenue within sight of her
He then said that she was the daughter of a French operadancer Céline
Varens towards whom he had once cherished what he called a »grande passion«
This passion Céline had professed to return with even superior ardour He
thought himself her idol ugly as he was he believed as he said that she
preferred his »taille dathlète« to the elegance of the Apollo Belvidree
»And Miss Eyre so much was I flattered by this preference of the Gallic
sylph for her British gnome that I installed her in an hotel gave her a
complete establishment of servants a carriage cashmeres diamonds dentelles
etc In short I began the process of ruining myself in the received style like
any other spoonie I had not it seems the originality to chalk out a new road
to shame and destruction but trode the old track with stupid exactness not to
deviate an inch from the beaten centre I had as I deserved to have the fate
of all other spoonies Happening to call one evening when Céline did not expect
me I found her out but it was a warm night and I was tired with strolling
through Paris so I sat down in her boudoir happy to breathe the air
consecrated so lately by her presence No I exaggerate I never thought there
was any consecrating virtue about her it was rather a sort of pastile perfume
she had left a scent of musk and amber than an odour of sanctity I was just
beginning to stifle with the fumes of conservatory flowers and sprinkled
essences when I bethought myself to open the window and step out on to the
balcony It was moonlight and gaslight besides and very still and serene The
balcony was furnished with a chair or two I sat down took out a cigar I
will take one now if you will excuse me«
Here ensued a pause filled up by the producing and lighting of a cigar
having placed it to his lips and breathed a trail of Havannah incense on the
freezing and sunless air he went on
»I liked bonbons too in those days Miss Eyre and I was croquant
overlook the barbarism croquant chocolate comfits and smoking alternately
watching meantime the equipages that rolled along the fashionable streets
towards the neighbouring operahouse when in an elegant close carriage drawn by
a beautiful pair of English horses and distinctly seen in the brilliant
citynight I recognised the voiture I had given Céline She was returning of
course my heart thumped with impatience against the iron rails I leant upon The
carriage stopped as I had expected at the hotel door my flame that is the
very word for an opera inammorata alighted though muffled in a cloak an
unnecessary encumbrance bythebye on so warm a June evening I knew her
instantly by her little foot seen peeping from the skirt of her dress as she
skipped from the carriagestep Bending over the balcony I was about to murmur
Mon ange in a tone of course which should be audible to the ear of love
alone when a figure jumped from the carriage after her cloaked also but that
was a spurred heel which had rung on the pavement and that was a hatted head
which now passed under the arched porte cochère of the hotel
You never felt jealousy did you Miss Eyre Of course not I need not ask
you because you never felt love You have both sentiments yet to experience
your soul sleeps the shock is yet to be given which shall waken it You think
all existence lapses in as quiet a flow as that in which your youth has hitherto
slid away Floating on with closed eyes and muffled ears you neither see the
rocks bristling not far off in the bed of the flood nor hear the breakers boil
at their base But I tell you and you may mark my words you will come some
day to a craggy pass of the channel where the whole of lifes stream will be
broken up into whirl and tumult foam and noise either you will be dashed to
atoms on crag points or lifted up and borne on by some master wave into a
calmer current as I am now
I like this day I like that sky of steel I like the sternness and
stillness of the world under this frost I like Thornfield its antiquity its
retirement its old crowtrees and thorntrees its gray façade and lines of
dark windows reflecting that metal welkin and yet how long have I abhorred the
very thought of it shunned it like a great plaguehouse How I do still abhor
«
He ground his teeth and was silent he arrested his step and struck his boot
against the hard ground Some hated thought seemed to have him in its grip and
to hold him so rightly that he could not advance
We were ascending the avenue when he thus paused the hall was before us
Lifting his eye to its battlements he cast over them a glare such as I never
saw before or since Pain shame ire impatience disgust detestation
seemed momentarily to hold a quivering conflict in the large pupil dilating
under his ebon eyebrow Wild was the wrestle which should be paramount but
another feeling rose and triumphed something hard and cynical selfwilled and
resolute it settled his passion and petrified his countenance he went on
»During the moment I was silent Miss Eyre I was arranging a point with my
destiny She stood there by that beechtrunk a hag like one of those who
appeared to Macbeth on the heath of Forres You like Thornfield she said
lifting her finger and then she wrote in the air a memento which ran in lurid
hieroglyphics all along the housefront between the upper and lower row of
windows Like it if you can Like it if you dare
I will like it said I I dare like it and he subjoined moodily I will
keep my word I will break obstacles to happiness to goodness yes goodness
I wish to be a better man than I have been than I am as Jobs leviathan broke
the spear the dart and the habergeon hinderances which others count as iron and
brass I will esteem but straw and rotten wood«
Adèle here ran before him with her shuttlecock »Away« he cried harshly
»keep at a distance child or go in to Sophie« Continuing then to pursue his
walk in silence I ventured to recall him to the point whence he had abruptly
diverged
»Did you leave the balcony sir« I asked »when Mdlle Varens entered«
I almost expected a rebuff for this hardly welltimed question but on the
contrary waking out of his scowling abstraction he turned his eyes towards me
and the shade seemed to clear off his brow »Oh I had forgotten Céline Well
to resume When I saw my charmer thus come in accompanied by a cavalier I
seemed to hear a hiss and the green snake of jealousy rising on undulating
coils from the moonlit balcony glided within my waistcoat and ate its way in
two minutes to my hearts core Strange« he exclaimed suddenly starting again
from the point »Strange that I should choose you for the confidant of all this
young lady passing strange that you should listen to me quietly as if it were
the most usual thing in the world for a man like me to tell stories of his
operamistresses to a quaint inexperienced girl like you But the last
singularity explains the first as I intimated once before you with your
gravity considerateness and caution were made to be the recipient of secrets
Besides I know what sort of a mind I have placed in communication with my own
I know it is not one liable to take infection it is a peculiar mind it is an
unique one Happily I do not mean to harm it but if I did it would not take
harm from me The more you and I converse the better for while I cannot blight
you you may refresh me« After this digression he proceeded
»I remained in the balcony They will come to her boudoir no doubt thought
I let me prepare an ambush So putting my hand in through the open window I
drew the curtain over it leaving only an opening through which I could take
observations then I closed the casement all but a chink just wide enough to
furnish an outlet to lovers whispered vows then I stole back to my chair and
as I resumed it the pair came in My eye was quickly at the aperture Célines
chambermaid entered lit a lamp left it on the table and withdrew The couple
were thus revealed to me clearly both removed their cloaks and there was the
Varens shining in satin and jewels my gifts of course and there was her
companion in an officers uniform and I knew him for a young roué of a vicomte
a brainless and vicious youth whom I had sometimes met in society and had
never thought of hating because I despised him so absolutely On recognising
him the fang of the snake jealousy was instantly broken because at the
same moment my love for Céline sank under an extinguisher A woman who could
betray me for such a rival was not worth contending for she deserved only
scorn less however than I who had been her dupe
They began to talk their conversation eased me completely frivolous
mercenary heartless and senseless it was rather calculated to weary than
enrage a listener A card of mine lay on the table this being perceived brought
my name under discussion Neither of them possessed energy or wit to belabour me
soundly but they insulted me as coarsely as they could in their little way
especially Céline who even waxed rather brilliant on my personal defects
deformities she termed them Now it had been her custom to launch out into
fervent admiration of what she called my beauté mâle wherein she differed
diametrically from you who told me point blank at the second interview that
you did not think me handsome The contrast struck me at the time and «
Adèle here came running up again
»Monsieur John has just been to say that your agent has called and wishes
to see you«
»Ah in that case I must abridge Opening the window I walked in upon them
liberated Céline from my protection gave her notice to vacate her hotel
offered her a purse for immediate exigencies disregarded screams hysterics
prayers protestations convulsions made an appointment with the vicomte for a
meeting at the bois de Boulogne Next morning I had the pleasure of encountering
him left a bullet in one of his poor etiolated arms feeble as the wing of a
chicken in the pip and then thought I had done with the whole crew But
unluckily the Varens six months before had given me this filette Adèle who
she affirmed was my daughter and perhaps she may be though I see no proofs of
such grim paternity written in her countenance Pilot is more like me than she
Some years after I had broken with the mother she abandoned her child and ran
away to Italy with a musician or singer I acknowledged no natural claim on
Adèles part to be supported by me nor do I now acknowledge any for I am not
her father but hearing that she was quite destitute I een took the poor thing
out of the slime and mud of Paris and transplanted it here to grow up clean in
the wholesome soil of an English country garden Mrs Fairfax found you to train
it but now you know that it is the illegitimate offspring of a French
operagirl you will perhaps think differently of your post and protégée you
will be coming to me some day with notice that you have found another place
that you beg me to look out for a new governess etc eh«
»No Adèle is not answerable for either her mothers faults or yours I
have a regard for her and now that I know she is in a sense parentless
forsaken by her mother and disowned by you sir I shall cling closer to her
than before How could I possibly prefer the spoilt pet of a wealthy family who
would hate her governess as a nuisance to a lonely little orphan who leans
towards her as a friend«
»Oh that is the light in which you view it Well I must go in now and you
too it darkens«
But I stayed out a few minutes longer with Adèle and Pilot ran a race with
her and played a game of battledore and shuttlecock When we went in and I had
removed her bonnet and coat I took her on my knee kept her there an hour
allowing her to prattle as she liked not rebuking even some little freedoms and
trivialities into which she was apt to stray when much noticed and which
betrayed in her a superficiality of character inherited probably from her
mother hardly congenial to an English mind Still she had her merits and I was
disposed to appreciate all that was good in her to the utmost I sought in her
countenance and features a likeness to Mr Rochester but found none no trait
no turn of expression announced relationship It was a pity if she could but
have been proved to resemble him he would have thought more of her
It was not till after I had withdrawn to my own chamber for the night that
I steadily reviewed the tale Mr Rochester had told me As he had said there
was probably nothing at all extraordinary in the substance of the narrative
itself a wealthy Englishmans passion for a French dancer and her treachery to
him were everyday matters enough no doubt in society but there was
something decidedly strange in the paroxysm of emotion which had suddenly seized
him when he was in the act of expressing the present contentment of his mood
and his newly revived pleasure in the old Hall and its environs I meditated
wonderingly on this incident but gradually quitting it as I found it for the
present inexplicable I turned to the consideration of my masters manner to
myself The confidence he had thought fit to repose in me seemed a tribute to my
discretion I regarded and accepted it as such His deportment had now for some
weeks been more uniform towards me than at the first I never seemed in his way
he did not take fits of chilling hauteur when he met me unexpectedly the
encounter seemed welcome he had always a word and sometimes a smile for me
when summoned by formal invitation to his presence I was honoured by a
cordiality of reception that made me feel I really possessed the power to amuse
him and that these evening conferences were sought as much for his pleasure as
for my benefit
I indeed talked comparatively little but I heard him talk with relish It
was his nature to be communicative he liked to open to a mind unacquainted with
the world glimpses of its scenes and ways I do not mean its corrupt scenes and
wicked ways but such as derived their interest from the great scale on which
they were acted the strange novelty by which they were characterized and I
had a keen delight in receiving the new ideas he offered in imagining the new
pictures he portrayed and following him in thought through the new regions he
disclosed never startled or troubled by one noxious allusion
The ease of his manner freed me from painful restraint the friendly
frankness as correct as cordial with which he treated me drew me to him I
felt at times as if he were my relation rather than my master yet he was
imperious sometimes still but I did not mind that I saw it was his way So
happy so gratified did I become with this new interest added to life that I
ceased to pine after kindred my thin crescentdestiny seemed to enlarge the
blanks of existence were filled up my bodily health improved I gathered flesh
and strength
And was Mr Rochester now ugly in my eyes No reader gratitude and many
associations all pleasurable and genial made his face the object I best liked
to see his presence in a room was more cheering than the brightest fire Yet I
had not forgotten his faults indeed I could not for he brought them
frequently before me He was proud sardonic harsh to inferiority of every
description in my secret soul I knew that his great kindness to me was balanced
by unjust severity to many others He was moody too unaccountably so I more
than once when sent for to read to him found him sitting in his library alone
with his head bent on his folded arms and when he looked up a morose almost
a malignant scowl blackened his features But I believed that his moodiness
his harshness and his former faults of morality I say former for now he
seemed corrected of them had their source in some cruel cross of fate I
believed he was naturally a man of better tendencies higher principles and
purer tastes than such as circumstances had developed education instilled or
destiny encouraged I thought there were excellent materials in him though for
the present they hung together somewhat spoiled and tangled I cannot deny that
I grieved for his grief whatever that was and would have given much to assuage
it
Though I had now extinguished my candle and was laid down in bed I could
not sleep for thinking of his look when he paused in the avenue and told how
his destiny had risen up before him and dared him to be happy at Thornfield
»Why not« I asked myself »what alienates him from the house Will he leave
it again soon Mrs Fairfax said he seldom stayed here longer than a fortnight
at a time and he has now been resident eight weeks If he does go the change
will be doleful Suppose he should be absent spring summer and autumn how
joyless sunshine and fine days will seem«
I hardly know whether I had slept or not after this musing at any rate I
started wide awake on hearing a vague murmur peculiar and lugubrious which
sounded I thought just above me I wished I had kept my candle burning the
night was drearily dark my spirits were depressed I rose and sat up in bed
listening The sound was hushed
I tried again to sleep but my heart beat anxiously my inward tranquillity
was broken The clock far down in the hall struck two Just then it seemed my
chamberdoor was touched as if fingers had swept the panels in groping a way
along the dark gallery outside I said »Who is there« Nothing answered I was
chilled with fear
All at once I remembered that it might be Pilot who when the kitchendoor
chanced to be left open not unfrequently found his way up to the threshold of
Mr Rochesters chamber I had seen him lying there myself in the mornings The
idea calmed me somewhat I lay down Silence composes the nerves and as an
unbroken hush now reigned again through the whole house I began to feel the
return of slumber But it was not fated that I should sleep that night A dream
had scarcely approached my ear when it fled affrighted scared by a
marrowfreezing incident enough
This was a demoniac laugh low suppressed and deep uttered as it
seemed at the very keyhole of my chamberdoor The head of my bed was near the
door and I thought at first the goblinlaugher stood at my bedside or rather
crouched by my pillow but I rose looked round and could see nothing while
as I still gazed the unnatural sound was reiterated and I knew it came from
behind the panels My first impulse was to rise and fasten the bolt my next
again to cry out »Who is there«
Something gurgled and moaned Ere long steps retreated up the gallery
towards the third story staircase a door had lately been made to shut in that
staircase I heard it open and close and all was still
»Was that Grace Poole and is she possessed with a devil« thought I
Impossible now to remain longer by myself I must go to Mrs Fairfax I hurried
on my frock and a shawl I withdrew the bolt and opened the door with a
trembling hand There was a candle burning just outside left on the matting in
the gallery I was surprised at this circumstance but still more was I amazed
to perceive the air quite dim as if filled with smoke and while looking to
the right hand and left to find whence these blue wreaths issued I became
further aware of a strong smell of burning
Something creaked it was a door ajar and that door was Mr Rochesters
and the smoke rushed in a cloud from thence I thought no more of Mrs Fairfax
I thought no more of Grace Poole or the laugh in an instant I was within the
chamber Tongues of flame darted round the bed the curtains were on fire In
the midst of blaze and vapour Mr Rochester lay stretched motionless in deep
sleep
»Wake wake« I cried I shook him but he only murmured and turned the
smoke had stupified him Not a moment could be lost the very sheets were
kindling I rushed to his bason and ewer fortunately one was wide and the
other deep and both were filled with water I heaved them up deluged the bed
and its occupant flew back to my own room brought my own waterjug baptized
the couch afresh and by Gods aid succeeding in extinguishing the flames which
were devouring it
The hiss of the quenched element the breakage of a pitcher which I flung
from my hand when I had emptied it and above all the splash of the showerbath
I had liberally bestowed roused Mr Rochester at last Though it was now dark
I knew he was awake because I heard him fulminating strange anathemas at
finding himself lying in a pool of water
»Is there a flood« he cried
»No sir« I answered »but there has been a fire get up do you are
quenched now I will fetch you a candle«
»In the name of all the elves in Christendom is that Jane Eyre« he
demanded »What have you done with me witch sorceress Who is in the room
besides you Have you plotted to drown me«
»I will fetch you a candle sir and in Heavens name get up Somebody has
plotted something you cannot too soon find out who and what it is«
»There I am up now but at your peril you fetch a candle yet wait two
minutes till I get into some dry garments if any dry there be yes here is my
dressinggown now run«
I did run I brought the candle which still remained in the gallery He took
it from my hand held it up and surveyed the bed all blackened and scorched
the sheets drenched the carpet round swimming in water
»What is it and who did it« he asked
I briefly related to him what had transpired the strange laugh I had heard
in the gallery the step ascending to the third story the smoke the smell of
fire which had conducted me to his room in what state I had found matters
there and how I had deluged him with all the water I could lay hands on
He listened very gravely his face as I went on expressed more concern
than astonishment he did not immediately speak when I had concluded
»Shall I call Mrs Fairfax« I asked
»Mrs Fairfax No what the deuce would you call her for What can she do
Let her sleep unmolested«
»Then I will fetch Leah and wake John and his wife«
»Not at all just be still You have a shawl on if you are not warm enough
you may take my cloak yonder wrap it about you and sit down in the armchair
there I will put it on Now place your feet on the stool to keep them out of
the wet I am going to leave you a few minutes I shall take the candle Remain
where you are till I return be as still as a mouse I must pay a visit to the
second story Dont move remember or call any one«
He went I watched the light withdraw He passed up the gallery very softly
unclosed the staircase door with as little noise as possible shut it after him
and the last ray vanished I was left in total darkness I listened for some
noise but heard nothing A very long time elapsed I grew weary it was cold
in spite of the cloak and then I did not see the use of staying as I was not
to rouse the house I was on the point of risking Mr Rochesters displeasure
by disobeying his orders when the light once more gleamed dimly on the
gallerywall and I heard his unshod feet tread the matting »I hope it is he«
thought I »and not something worse«
He reentered pale and very gloomy »I have found it all out« said he
setting his candle down on the washstand »it is as I thought«
»How sir«
He made no reply but stood with his arms folded looking on the ground At
the end of a few minutes he inquired in rather a peculiar tone
»I forget whether you said you saw anything when you opened your chamber
door«
»No sir only the candlestick on the ground«
»But you heard an odd laugh You have heard that laugh before I should
think or something like it«
»Yes sir there is a woman who sews here called Grace Poole she laughs
in that way She is a singular person«
»Just so Grace Poole you have guessed it She is as you say singular
very Well I shall reflect on the subject Meantime I am glad that you are the
only person besides myself acquainted with the precise details of tonights
incident You are no talking fool say nothing about it I will account for this
state of affairs pointing to the bed and now return to your own room I shall
do very well on the sofa in the library for the rest of the night It is near
four in two hours the servants will be up«
»Goodnight then sir« said I departing
He seemed surprised very inconsistently so as he had just told me to go
»What« he exclaimed »are you quitting me already and in that way«
»You said I might go sir«
»But not without taking leave not without a word or two of acknowledgment
and good will not in short in that brief dry fashion Why you have saved my
life snatched me from a horrible and excruciating death and you walk past
me as if we were mutual strangers At least shake hands«
He held out his hand I gave him mine he took it first in one then in both
his own
»You have saved my life I have a pleasure in owing you so immense a debt I
cannot say more Nothing else that has being would have been tolerable to me in
the character of creditor for such an obligation but you it is different I
feel your benefits no burden Jane«
He paused gazed at me words almost visible trembled on his lips but his
voice was checked
»Goodnight again sir There is no debt benefit burden obligation in
the case«
»I knew« he continued »you would do me good in some way at some time I
saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you their expression and smile did not
again he stopped did not he proceeded hastily strike delight to my very
inmost heart so for nothing People talk of natural sympathies I have heard of
good genii there are grains of truth in the wildest fable My cherished
preserver goodnight«
Strange energy was in his voice strange fire in his look
»I am glad I happened to be awake« I said and then I was going
»What you will go«
»I am cold sir«
»Cold Yes and standing in a pool Go then Jane go« But he still
retained my hand and I could not free it I bethought myself of an expedient
»I think I hear Mrs Fairfax move sir« said I
»Well leave me« he relaxed his fingers and I was gone
I regained my couch but never thought of sleep Till morning dawned I was
tossed on a buoyant but unquiet sea where billows of trouble rolled under
surges of joy I thought sometimes I saw beyond its wild waters a shore sweet
as the hills of Beulah and now and then a freshening gale wakened by hope bore
my spirit triumphantly towards the bourne but I could not reach it even in
fancy a counteracting breeze blew off land and continually drove me back
Sense would resist delirium judgment would warn passion Too feverish to rest
I rose as soon as day dawned
Chapter XVI
I both wished and feared to see Mr Rochester on the day which followed this
sleepless night I wanted to hear his voice again yet feared to meet his eye
During the early part of the morning I momentarily expected his coming he was
not in the frequent habit of entering the schoolroom but he did step in for a
few minutes sometimes and I had the impression that he was sure to visit it
that day
But the morning passed just as usual nothing happened to interrupt the
quiet course of Adèles studies only soon after breakfast I heard some bustle
in the neighbourhood of Mr Rochesters chamber Mrs Fairfaxs voice and
Leahs and the cooks that is Johns wife and even Johns own gruff tones
There were exclamations of »What a mercy master was not burnt in his bed« »It
is always dangerous to keep a candle lit at night« »How providential that he
had presence of mind to think of the waterjug« »I wonder he waked nobody« »It
is to be hoped he will not take cold with sleeping on the library sofa« etc
To much confabulation succeeded a sound of scrubbing and setting to rights
and when I passed the room in going down stairs to dinner I saw through the
open door that all was again restored to complete order only the bed was
stripped of its hangings Leah stood up in the windowseat rubbing the panes of
glass dimmed with smoke I was about to address her for I wished to know what
account had been given of the affair but on advancing I saw a second person
in the chamber a woman sitting on a chair by the bedside and sewing rings to
new curtains That woman was no other than Grace Poole
There she sat staid and taciturnlooking as usual in her brown stuff
gown her check apron white handkerchief and cap She was intent on her work
in which her whole thoughts seemed absorbed on her hard forehead and in her
commonplace features was nothing either of the paleness or desperation one
would have expected to see marking the countenance of a woman who had attempted
murder and whose intended victim had followed her last night to her lair and
as I believed charged her with the crime she wished to perpetrate I was
amazed confounded She looked up while I still gazed at her no start no
increase or failure of colour betrayed emotion consciousness of guilt or fear
of detection She said »Goodmorning Miss« in her usual phlegmatic and brief
manner and taking up another ring and more tape went on with her sewing
»I will put her to some test« thought I »such absolute impenetrability is
past comprehension«
»Good morning Grace« I said »Has anything happened here I thought I
heard the servants all talking together a while ago«
»Only master had been reading in his bed last night he fell asleep with his
candle lit and the curtains got on fire but fortunately he awoke before the
bedclothes or the woodwork caught and contrived to quench the flame with the
water in the ewer«
»A strange affair« I said in a low voice then looking at her fixedly
»Did Mr Rochester wake nobody Did no one hear him move«
She again raised her eyes to me and this time there was something of
consciousness in their expression She seemed to examine me warily then she
answered
»The servants sleep so far off you know Miss they would not be likely to
hear Mrs Fairfaxs room and yours are the nearest to masters but Mrs
Fairfax said she heard nothing when people get elderly they often sleep
heavy«
She paused and then added with a sort of assumed indifference but still
in a marked and significant tone »But you are young Miss and I should say a
light sleeper perhaps you may have heard a noise«
»I did« said I dropping my voice so that Leah who was still polishing
the panes could not hear me »and at first I thought it was Pilot but Pilot
cannot laugh and I am certain I heard a laugh and a strange one«
She took a new needleful of thread waxed it carefully threaded her needle
with a steady hand and then observed with perfect composure
»It is hardly likely master would laugh I should think Miss when he was
in such danger you must have been dreaming«
»I was not dreaming« I said with some warmth for her brazen coolness
provoked me Again she looked at me and with the same scrutinizing and
conscious eye
»Have you told master that you heard a laugh« she inquired
»I have not had the opportunity of speaking to him this morning«
»You did not think of opening your door and looking out into the gallery«
she further asked
She appeared to be crossquestioning me attempting to draw from me
information unawares the idea struck me that if she discovered I knew or
suspected her guilt she would be playing off some of her malignant pranks on
me I thought it advisable to be on my guard
»On the contrary« said I »I bolted my door«
»Then you are not in the habit of bolting your door every night before you
get into bed«
»Fiend she wants to know my habits that she may lay her plans
accordingly« Indignation again prevailed over prudence I replied sharply
»Hitherto I have often omitted to fasten the bolt I did not think it necessary
I was not aware any danger or annoyance was to be dreaded at Thornfield Hall
but in future« and I laid marked stress on the words »I shall take good care
to make all secure before I venture to lie down«
»It will be wise so to do« was her answer »this neighbourhood is as quiet
as any I know and I never heard of the Hall being attempted by robbers since it
was a house though there are hundreds of pounds worth of plate in the
platecloset as is well known And you see for such a large house there are
very few servants because master has never lived here much and when he does
come being a bachelor he needs little waiting on but I always think it best
to err on the safe side a door is soon fastened and it is as well to have a
drawn bolt between one and any mischief that may be about A deal of people
Miss are for trusting all to Providence but I say Providence will not dispense
with the means though he often blesses them when they are used discreetly« And
here she closed her harangue a long one for her and uttered with the
demureness of a Quakeress
I still stood absolutely dumbfoundered at what appeared to me her miraculous
selfpossession and most inscrutable hypocrisy when the cook entered
»Mrs Poole« said she addressing Grace »the servants dinner will soon be
ready will you come down«
»No just put my pint of porter and bit of pudding on a tray and Ill carry
it up stairs«
»Youll have some meat«
»Just a morsel and a taste of cheese thats all«
»And the sago«
»Never mind it at present I shall be coming down before teatime Ill
make it myself«
The cook here turned to me saying that Mrs Fairfax was waiting for me so
I departed
I hardly heard Mrs Fairfaxs account of the curtain conflagration during
dinner so much was I occupied in puzzling my brains over the enigmatical
character of Grace Poole and still more in pondering the problem of her
position at Thornfield in questioning why she had not been given into custody
that morning or at the very least dismissed from her masters service He had
almost as much as declared his conviction of her criminality last night what
mysterious cause withheld him from accusing her Why had he enjoined me too to
secresy It was strange a bold vindictive and haughty gentleman seemed
somehow in the power of one of the meanest of his dependants so much in her
power that even when she lifted her hand against his life he dared not openly
charge her with the attempt much less punish her for it
Had Grace been young and handsome I should have been tempted to think that
tenderer feelings than prudence or fear influenced Mr Rochester in her behalf
but hardfavoured and matronly as she was the idea could not be admitted
»Yet« I reflected »she has been young once her youth would be contemporary
with her masters Mrs Fairfax told me once she had lived here many years I
dont think she can ever have been pretty but for aught I know she may possess
originality and strength of character to compensate for the want of personal
advantages Mr Rochester is an amateur of the decided and eccentric Grace is
eccentric at least What if a former caprice a freak very possible to a nature
so sudden and headstrong as his has delivered him into her power and she now
exercises over his actions a secret influence the result of his own
indiscretion which he cannot shake off and dare not disregard« But having
reached this point of conjecture Mrs Pooles square flat figure and
uncomely dry even coarse face recurred so distinctly to my minds eye that I
thought »No impossible my supposition cannot be correct Yet« suggested the
secret voice which talks to us in our own hearts »you are not beautiful either
and perhaps Mr Rochester approves you at any rate you have often felt as if he
did and last night remember his words remember his look remember his
voice«
I well remembered all language glance and tone seemed at the moment
vividly renewed I was now in the schoolroom Adèle was drawing I bent over her
and directed her pencil She looked up with a sort of start
»Quavezvous mademoiselle« said she »Vos doigts tremblent comme la
feuille et vos joues sont rouges mais rouges comme des cerises«
»I am hot Adèle with stooping« She went on sketching I went on thinking
I hastened to drive from my mind the hateful notion I had been conceiving
respecting Grace Poole it disgusted me I compared myself with her and found
we were different Bessie Leaven had said I was quite a lady and she spoke
truth I was a lady And now I looked much better than I did when Bessie saw me
I had more colour and more flesh more life more vivacity because I had
brighter hopes and keener enjoyments
»Evening approaches« said I as I looked towards the window »I have never
heard Mr Rochesters voice or step in the house today but surely I shall see
him before night I feared the meeting in the morning now I desire it because
expectation has been so long baffled that it is grown impatient«
When dusk actually closed and when Adèle left me to go and play in the
nursery with Sophie I did most keenly desire it I listened for the bell to
ring below I listened for Lean coming up with a message I fancied sometimes I
heard Mr Rochesters own tread and I turned to the door expecting it to open
and admit him The door remained shut darkness only came in through the window
Still it was not late he often sent for me at seven and eight oclock and it
was yet but six Surely I should not be wholly disappointed tonight when I had
so many things to say to him I wanted again to introduce the subject of Grace
Poole and to hear what he would answer I wanted to ask him plainly if he
really believed it was she who had made last nights hideous attempt and if so
why he kept her wickedness a secret It little mattered whether my curiosity
irritated him I knew the pleasure of vexing and soothing him by turns it was
one I chiefly delighted in and a sure instinct always prevented me from going
too far beyond the verge of provocation I never ventured on the extreme brink
I liked well to try my skill Retaining every minute form of respect every
propriety of my station I could still meet him in argument without fear or
uneasy restraint this suited both him and me
A tread creaked on the stairs at last Leah made her appearance but it was
only to intimate that tea was ready in Mrs Fairfaxs room Thither I repaired
glad at least to go down stairs for that brought me I imagined nearer to Mr
Rochesters presence
»You must want your tea« said the good lady as I joined her »you ate so
little at dinner I am afraid« she continued »you are not well today you
look flushed and feverish«
»Oh quite well I never felt better«
»Then you must prove it by evincing a good appetite will you fill the
teapot while I knit off this needle« Having completed her task she rose to
draw down the blind which she had hitherto kept up by way I suppose of making
the most of daylight though dusk was now fast deepening into total obscurity
»It is fair tonight« said she as she looked through the panes »though
not starlight Mr Rochester has on the whole had a favourable day for his
journey«
»Journey Is Mr Rochester gone anywhere I did not know he was out«
»Oh he set off the moment he had breakfasted He is gone to the Leas Mr
Eshtons place ten miles on the other side Millcote I believe there is quite a
party assembled there Lord Ingram Sir George Lynn Colonel Dent and others«
»Do you expect him back tonight«
»No nor tomorrow either I should think he is very likely to stay a week
or more when these fine fashionable people get together they are so
surrounded by elegance and gaiety so well provided with all that can please and
entertain they are in no hurry to separate Gentlemen especially are often in
request on such occasions and Mr Rochester is so talented and so lively in
society that I believe he is a general favourite the ladies are very fond of
him though you would not think his appearance calculated to recommend him
particularly in their eyes but I suppose his acquirements and abilities
perhaps his wealth and good blood make amends for any little fault of look«
»Are there ladies at the Leas«
»There are Mrs Eshton and her three daughters very elegant young ladies
indeed and there are the Honourable Blanche and Mary Ingram most beautiful
women I suppose indeed I have seen Blanche six or seven years since when she
was a girl of eighteen She came here to a Christmas ball and party Mr
Rochester gave You should have seen the diningroom that day how richly it
was decorated how brilliantly lit up I should think there were fifty ladies
and gentlemen present all of the first countyfamilies and Miss Ingram was
considered the belle of the evening«
»You saw her you say Mrs Fairfax what was she like«
»Yes I saw her The diningroom doors were thrown open and as it was
Christmastime the servants were allowed to assemble in the hall to hear some
of the ladies sing and play Mr Rochester would have me to come in and I sat
down in a quiet corner and watched them I never saw a more splendid scene the
ladies were magnificently dressed most of them at least most of the younger
ones looked handsome but Miss Ingram was certainly the queen«
»And what was she like«
»Tall fine bust sloping shoulders long graceful neck olive complexion
dark and clear noble features eyes rather like Mr Rochesters large and
black and as brilliant as her jewels And then she had such a fine head of
hair ravenblack and so becomingly arranged a crown of thick plaits behind
and in front the longest the glossiest curls I ever saw She was dressed in
pure white an ambercoloured scarf was passed over her shoulder and across her
breast tied at the side and descending in long fringed ends below her knee
She wore an ambercoloured flower too in her hair it contrasted well with the
jetty mass of her curls«
»She was greatly admired of course«
»Yes indeed and not only for her beauty but for her accomplishments She
was one of the ladies who sang a gentleman accompanied her on the piano She
and Mr Rochester sang a duet«
»Mr Rochester I was not aware he could sing«
»Oh he has a fine bass voice and an excellent taste for music«
»And Miss Ingram what sort of a voice has she«
»A very rich and powerful one she sang delightfully it was a treat to
listen to her and she played afterwards I am no judge of music but Mr
Rochester is and I heard him say her execution was remarkably good«
»And this beautiful and accomplished lady is not yet married«
»It appears not I fancy neither she nor her sister have very large
fortunes Old Lord Ingrams estates were chiefly entailed and the eldest son
came in for everything almost«
»But I wonder no wealthy nobleman or gentleman has taken a fancy to her Mr
Rochester for instance He is rich is he not«
»Oh yes But you see there is a considerable difference in age Mr
Rochester is near forty she is but twentyfive«
»What of that More unequal matches are made every day«
»True yet I should scarcely fancy Mr Rochester would entertain an idea of
the sort But you eat nothing you have scarcely tasted since you began tea«
»No I am too thirsty to eat Will you let me have another cup«
I was about again to revert to the probability of a union between Mr
Rochester and the beautiful Blanche but Adèle came in and the conversation was
turned into another channel
When once more alone I reviewed the information I had got looked into my
heart examined its thoughts and feelings and endeavoured to bring back with a
strict hand such as had been straying through imaginations boundless and
trackless waste into the safe fold of common sense
Arraigned at my own bar Memory having given her evidence of the hopes
wishes sentiments I had been cherishing since last night of the general state
of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past Reason having come
forward and told in her own quiet way a plain unvarnished tale showing how I
had rejected the real and rabidly devoured the ideal I pronounced judgment
to this effect
That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life
that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies and
swallowed poison as if it were nectar
»You« I said »a favourite with Mr Rochester You gifted with the power of
pleasing him You of importance to him in any way Go your folly sickens me
And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference equivocal
tokens shown by a gentleman of family and a man of the world to a dependant
and a novice How dared you Poor stupid dupe Could not even selfinterest
make you wiser You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last
night Cover your face and be ashamed He said something in praise of your
eyes did he Blind puppy Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed
senselessness It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior who
cannot possibly intend to marry her and it is madness in all women to let a
secret love kindle within them which if unreturned and unknown must devour
the life that feeds it and if discovered and responded to must lead
ignisfatuuslike into miry wilds whence there is no extrication
Listen then Jane Eyre to your sentence tomorrow place the glass before
you and draw in chalk your own picture faithfully without softening one
defect omit no harsh line smooth away no displeasing irregularity write under
it Portrait of a Governess disconnected poor and plain
Afterwards take a piece of smooth ivory you have one prepared in your
drawingbox take your pallette mix your freshest finest clearest tints
choose your most delicate camelhair pencils delineate carefully the loveliest
face you can imagine paint it in your softest shades and sweetest hues
according to the description given by Mrs Fairfax of Blanche Ingram remember
the raven ringlets the oriental eye what you revert to Mr Rochester as a
model Order No snivel no sentiment no regret I will endure only sense
and resolution Recall the august yet harmonious lineaments the Grecian neck
and bust let the round and dazzling arm be visible and the delicate hand omit
neither diamond ring nor gold bracelet portray faithfully the attire aërial
lace and glistening satin graceful scarf and golden rose call it Blanche an
accomplished lady of rank
Whenever in future you should chance to fancy Mr Rochester thinks well of
you take out these two pictures and compare them say Mr Rochester might
probably win that noble ladys love if he chose to strive for it is it likely
he would waste a serious thought on this indigent and insignificant plebeian«
»Ill do it« I resolved and having framed this determination I grew calm
and fell asleep
I kept my word An hour or two sufficed to sketch my own portrait in
crayons and in less than a fortnight I had completed an ivory miniature of an
imaginary Blanche Ingram It looked a lovely face enough and when compared with
the real head in chalk the contrast was as great as selfcontrol could desire
I derived benefit from the task it had kept my head and hands employed and had
given force and fixedness to the new impressions I wished to stamp indelibly on
my heart
Ere long I had reason to congratulate myself on the course of wholesome
discipline to which I had thus forced my feelings to submit thanks to it I was
able to meet subsequent occurrences with a decent calm which had they found me
unprepared I should probably have been unequal to maintain even externally
Chapter XVII
A week passed and no news arrived of Mr Rochester ten days and still he did
not come Mrs Fairfax said she should not be surprised if he were to go
straight from the Leas to London and thence to the continent and not show his
face again at Thornfield for a year to come he had not unfrequently quitted it
in a manner quite as abrupt and unexpected When I heard this I was beginning to
feel a strange chill and failing at the heart I was actually permitting myself
to experience a sickening sense of disappointment but rallying my wits and
recollecting my principles I at once called my sensations to order and it was
wonderful how I got over the temporary blunder How I cleared up the mistake of
supposing Mr Rochesters movements a matter in which I had any cause to take a
vital interest Not that I humbled myself by a slavish notion of inferiority on
the contrary I just said
»You have nothing to do with the master of Thornfield further than to
receive the salary he gives you for teaching his protégée and to be grateful
for such respectful and kind treatment as if you do your duty you have a right
to expect at his hands Be sure that is the only tie he seriously acknowledges
between you and him so dont make him the object of your fine feelings your
raptures agonies and so forth He is not of your order keep to your caste
and be too selfrespecting to lavish the love of the whole heart soul and
strength where such a gift is not wanted and would be despised«
I went on with my days business tranquilly but ever and anon vague
suggestions kept wandering across my brain of reasons why I should quit
Thornfield and I kept involuntarily framing advertisements and pondering
conjectures about new situations these thoughts I did not think it necessary to
check they might germinate and bear fruit if they could
Mr Rochester had been absent upwards of a fortnight when the post brought
Mrs Fairfax a letter
»It is from the master« said she as she looked at the direction »Now I
suppose we shall know whether we are to expect his return or not«
And while she broke the seal and perused the document I went on taking my
coffee we were at breakfast it was hot and I attributed to that circumstance
a fiery glow which suddenly rose to my face Why my hand shook and why I
involuntarily spilt half the contents of my cup into my saucer I did not choose
to consider
»Well I sometimes think we are too quiet but we run a chance of being
busy enough now for a little while at least« said Mrs Fairfax still holding
the note before her spectacles
Ere I permitted myself to request an explanation I tied the string of
Adèles pinafore which happened to be loose having helped her also to another
bun and refilled her mug with milk I said nonchalantly
»Mr Rochester is not likely to return soon I suppose«
»Indeed he is in three days he says that will be next Thursday and not
alone either I dont know how many of the fine people at the Leas are coming
with him he sends directions for all the best bedrooms to be prepared and the
library and drawingrooms are to be cleaned out and I am to get more kitchen
hands from the George Inn at Millcote and from wherever else I can and the
ladies will bring their maids and the gentlemen their valets so we shall have a
full house of it« And Mrs Fairfax swallowed her breakfast and hastened away to
commence operations
The three days were as she had foretold busy enough I had thought all the
rooms at Thornfield beautifully clean and wellarranged but it appears I was
mistaken Three women were got to help and such scrubbing such brushing such
washing of paint and beating of carpets such taking down and putting up of
pictures such polishing of mirrors and lustres such lighting of fires in
bedrooms such airing of sheets and featherbeds on hearths I never beheld
either before or since Adèle ran quite wild in the midst of it the
preparations for company and the prospect of their arrival seemed to throw her
into ecstasies She would have Sophie to look over all her toilettes as she
called frocks to furbish up any that were passées and to air and arrange the
new For herself she did nothing but caper about in the front chambers jump on
and off the bedsteads and lie on the mattresses and piledup bolsters and
pillows before the enormous fires roaring in the chimneys From school duties
she was exonerated Mrs Fairfax had pressed me into her service and I was all
day in the storeroom helping or hindering her and the cook learning to make
custards and cheesecakes and French pastry to truss game and garnish
dessertdishes
The party were expected to arrive on Thursday afternoon in time for dinner
at six During the intervening period I had no time to nurse chimeras and I
believe I was as active and gay as anybody Adèle excepted Still now and
then I received a damping check to my cheerfulness and was in spite of
myself thrown back on the region of doubts and portents and dark conjectures
This was when I chanced to see the third story staircase door which of late had
always been kept locked open slowly and give passage to the form of Grace
Poole in prim cap white apron and handkerchief when I watched her glide
along the gallery her quiet tread muffled in a list slipper when I saw her
look into the bustling topsyturvy bedrooms just say a word perhaps to
the charwoman about the proper way to polish a grate or clean a marble
mantelpiece or take stains from papered walls and then pass on She would
thus descend to the kitchen once a day eat her dinner smoke a moderate pipe on
the hearth and go back carrying her pot of porter with her for her private
solace in her own gloomy upper haunt Only one hour in the twentyfour did she
pass with her fellowservants below all the rest of her time was spent in some
lowceiled oaken chamber of the second story there she sat and sewed and
probably laughed drearily to herself as companionless as a prisoner in his
dungeon
The strangest thing of all was that not a soul in the house except me
noticed her habits or seemed to marvel at them no one discussed her position
or employment no one pitied her solitude or isolation I once indeed
overheard part of a dialogue between Leah and one of the charwomen of which
Grace formed the subject Leah had been saying something I had not caught and
the charwoman remarked
»She gets good wages I guess«
»Yes« said Leah »I wish I had as good not that mine are to complain of
theres no stinginess at Thornfield but theyre not onefifth of the sum Mrs
Poole receives And she is laying by she goes every quarter to the bank at
Millcote I should not wonder but she has saved enough to keep her independent
if she liked to leave but I suppose shes got used to the place and then shes
not forty yet and strong and able for anything It is too soon for her to give
up business«
»She is a good hand I daresay« said the charwoman
»Ah she understands what she has to do nobody better« rejoined Leah
significantly »and it is not every one could fill her shoes not for all the
money she gets«
»That it is not« was the reply »I wonder whether master «
The charwoman was going on but here Leah turned and perceived me and she
instantly gave her companion a nudge
»Doesnt she know« I heard the woman whisper
Leah shook her head and the conversation was of course dropped All I had
gathered from it amounted to this that there was a mystery at Thornfield and
that from participation in that mystery I was purposely excluded
Thursday came all work had been completed the previous evening carpets
were laid down bedhangings festooned radiant white counterpanes spread
toilet tables arranged furniture rubbed flowers piled in vases both chambers
and saloons looked as fresh and bright as hands could make them The hall too
was scoured and the great carved clock as well as the steps and banisters of
the staircase were polished to the brightness of glass in the diningroom the
sideboard flashed resplendent with plate in the drawingroom and boudoir vases
of exotics bloomed on all sides
Afternoon arrived Mrs Fairfax assumed her best black satin gown her
gloves and her gold watch for it was her part to receive the company to
conduct the ladies to their rooms etc Adèle too would be dressed though I
thought she had little chance of being introduced to the party that day at
least However to please her I allowed Sophie to apparel her in one of her
short full muslin frocks For myself I had no need to make any change I
should not be called upon to quit my sanctum of the schoolroom for a sanctum
it was now become to me »a very pleasant refuge in time of trouble«
It had been a mild serene spring day one of those days which towards the
end of March or the beginning of April rise shining over the earth as heralds of
summer It was drawing to an end now but the evening was even warm and I sat
at work in the schoolroom with the window open
»It gets late« said Mrs Fairfax entering in rustling state »I am glad I
ordered dinner an hour after the time Mr Rochester mentioned for it is past
six now I have sent John down to the gates to see if there is anything on the
road one can see a long way from thence in the direction of Millcote« She went
to the window »Here he is« said she »Well John« leaning out »any news«
»Theyre coming maam« was the answer »Theyll be here in ten minutes«
Adèle flew to the window I followed taking care to stand on one side so
that screened by the curtain I could see without being seen
The ten minutes John had given seemed very long but at last wheels were
heard four equestrians galloped up the drive and after them came two open
carriages Fluttering veils and waving plumes filled the vehicles two of the
cavaliers were young dashinglooking gentlemen the third was Mr Rochester on
his black horse Mesrour Pilot bounding before him at his side rode a lady
and he and she were the first of the party Her purple ridinghabit almost swept
the ground her veil streamed long on the breeze mingling with its transparent
folds and gleaming through them shone rich raven ringlets
»Miss Ingram« exclaimed Mrs Fairfax and away she hurried to her post
below
The cavalcade following the sweep of the drive quickly turned the angle of
the house and I lost sight of it Adèle now petitioned to go down but I took
her on my knee and gave her to understand that she must not on any account think
of venturing in sight of the ladies either now or at any other time unless
expressly sent for that Mr Rochester would be very angry etc »Some natural
tears she shed« on being told this but as I began to look very grave she
consented at last to wipe them
A joyous stir was now audible in the hall gentlemens deep tones and
ladies silvery accents blent harmoniously together and distinguishable above
all though not loud was the sonorous voice of the master of Thornfield Hall
welcoming his fair and gallant guests under its roof Then light steps ascended
the stairs and there was a tripping through the gallery and soft cheerful
laughs and opening and closing doors and for a time a hush
»Elles changent de toilettes« said Adèle who listening attentively had
followed every movement and she sighed
»Chez maman« said she »quand il y avait du monde je le suivais partout
au salon et à leurs chambres souvent je regardais les femmes de chambre coiffer
et habiller les dames et cétait si amusant comme cela on apprend«
»Dont you feel hungry Adèle«
»Mais oui mademoiselle voilà cinq ou six heures que nous navons pas
mangé«
»Well now while the ladies are in their rooms I will venture down and get
you something to eat«
And issuing from my asylum with precaution I sought a backstairs which
conducted directly to the kitchen All in that region was fire and commotion
the soup and fish were in the last stage of projection and the cook hung over
her crucibles in a frame of mind and body threatening spontaneous combustion In
the servants hall two coachmen and three gentlemens gentlemen stood or sat
round the fire the Abigails I suppose were upstairs with their mistresses
the new servants that had been hired from Millcote were bustling about
everywhere Threading this chaos I at last reached the larder there I took
possession of a cold chicken a roll of bread some tarts a plate or two and a
knife and fork with this booty I made a hasty retreat I had regained the
gallery and was just shutting the backdoor behind me when an accelerated hum
warned me that the ladies were about to issue from their chambers I could not
proceed to the schoolroom without passing some of their doors and running the
risk of being surprised with my cargo of victuallage so I stood still at this
end which being windowless was dark quite dark now for the sun was set and
twilight gathering
Presently the chambers gave up their fair tenants one after another each
came out gaily and airily with dress that gleamed lustrous through the dusk
For a moment they stood grouped together at the other extremity of the gallery
conversing in a key of sweet subdued vivacity they then descended the staircase
almost as noiselessly as a bright mist rolls down a hill Their collective
appearance had left on me an impression of highborn elegance such as I had
never before received
I found Adèle peeping through the schoolroom door which she held ajar
»What beautiful ladies« cried she in English »Oh I wish I might go to them
Do you think Mr Rochester will send for us byandby after dinner«
»No indeed I dont Mr Rochester has something else to think about Never
mind the ladies tonight perhaps you will see them tomorrow here is your
dinner«
She was really hungry so the chicken and tarts served to divert her
attention for a time It was well I secured this forage or both she I and
Sophie to whom I conveyed a share of our repast would have run a chance of
getting no dinner at all every one down stairs was too much engaged to think of
us The dessert was not carried out till after nine and at ten footmen were
still running to and fro with trays and coffeecups I allowed Adèle to sit up
much later than usual for she declared she could not possibly go to sleep while
the doors kept opening and shutting below and people bustling about Besides
she added a message might possibly come from Mr Rochester when she was
undressed »et alors quel dommage«
I told her stories as long as she would listen to them and then for a
change I took her out into the gallery The hall lamp was now lit and it amused
her to look over the balustrade and watch the servants passing backwards and
forwards When the evening was far advanced a sound of music issued from the
drawingroom whither the piano had been removed Adèle and I sat down on the
top step of the stairs to listen Presently a voice blent with the rich tones of
the instrument it was a lady who sang and very sweet her notes were The solo
over a duet followed and then a glee a joyous conversational murmur filled up
the intervals I listened long suddenly I discovered that my ear was wholly
intent on analyzing the mingled sounds and trying to discriminate amidst the
confusion of accents those of Mr Rochester and when it caught them which it
soon did it found a further task in framing the tones rendered by distance
inarticulate into words
The clock struck eleven I looked at Adèle whose head leant against my
shoulder her eyes were waxing heavy so I took her up in my arms and carried
her off to bed It was near one before the gentlemen and ladies sought their
chambers
The next day was as fine as its predecessor it was devoted by the party to
an excursion to some site in the neighbourhood They set out early in the
forenoon some on horseback the rest in carriages I witnessed both the
departure and the return Miss Ingram as before was the only lady equestrian
and as before Mr Rochester galloped at her side the two rode a little apart
from the rest I pointed out this circumstance to Mrs Fairfax who was standing
at the window with me
»You said it was not likely they should think of being married« said I
»but you see Mr Rochester evidently prefers her to any of the other ladies«
»Yes I daresay no doubt he admires her«
»And she him« I added »look how she leans her head towards him as if she
were conversing confidentially I wish I could see her face I have never had a
glimpse of it yet«
»You will see her this evening« answered Mrs Fairfax »I happened to
remark to Mr Rochester how much Adèle wished to be introduced to the ladies
and he said Oh let her come into the drawingroom after dinner and request
Miss Eyre to accompany her«
»Yes he said that from mere politeness I need not go I am sure« I
answered
»Well I observed to him that as you were unused to company I did not
think you would like appearing before so gay a party all strangers and he
replied in his quick way Nonsense If she objects tell her it is my
particular wish and if she resists say I shall come and fetch her in case of
contumacy«
»I will not give him that trouble« I answered »I will go if no better may
be but I dont like it Shall you be there Mrs Fairfax«
»No I pleaded off and he admitted my plea Ill tell you how to manage so
as to avoid the embarrassment of making a formal entrance which is the most
disagreeable part of the business You must go into the drawingroom while it is
empty before the ladies leave the dinnertable choose your seat in any quiet
nook you like you need not stay long after the gentlemen come in unless you
please just let Mr Rochester see you are there and then slip away nobody
will notice you«
»Will these people remain long do you think«
»Perhaps two or three weeks certainly not more After the Easter recess
Sir George Lynn who was lately elected member for Millcote will have to go up
to town and take his seat I dare say Mr Rochester will accompany him it
surprises me that he has already made so protracted a stay at Thornfield«
It was with some trepidation that I perceived the hour approach when I was
to repair with my charge to the drawingroom Adèle had been in a state of
ecstasy all day after hearing she was to be presented to the ladies in the
evening and it was not till Sophie commenced the operation of dressing her
that she sobered down Then the importance of the process quickly steadied her
and by the time she had her curls arranged in wellsmoothed drooping clusters
her pink satin frock put on her long sash tied and her lace mittens adjusted
she looked as grave as any judge No need to warn her not to disarrange her
attire when she was dressed she sat demurely down in her little chair taking
care previously to lift up the satin skirt for fear she should crease it and
assured me she would not stir thence till I was ready This I quickly was my
best dress the silvergray one purchased for Miss Temples wedding and never
worn since was soon put on my hair was soon smoothed my sole ornament the
pearl brooch soon assumed We descended
Fortunately there was another entrance to the drawingroom than that through
the saloon where they were all seated at dinner We found the apartment vacant
a large fire burning silently on the marble hearth and wax candles shining in
bright solitude amid the exquisite flowers with which the tables were adorned
The crimson curtain hung before the arch slight as was the separation this
drapery formed from the party in the adjoining saloon they spoke in so low a
key that nothing of their conversation could be distinguished beyond a soothing
murmur
Adèle who appeared to be still under the influence of a most solemnizing
impression sat down without a word on the footstool I pointed out to her I
retired to a windowseat and taking a book from a table near endeavoured to
read Adèle brought her stool to my feet ere long she touched my knee
»What is it Adèle«
»Estce que je ne puis pas prendre une seule de ces fleurs magnifiques
mademoiselle Seulement pour completer ma toilette«
»You think too much of your toilette Adèle but you may have a flower« And
I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash She sighed a sigh of
ineffable satisfaction as if her cup of happiness were now full I turned my
face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress there was something ludicrous
as well as painful in the little Parisiennes earnest and innate devotion to
matters of dress
A soft sound of rising now became audible the curtain was swept back from
the arch through it appeared the diningroom with its lit lustre pouring down
light on the silver and glass of a magnificent dessertservice covering a long
table a band of ladies stood in the opening they entered and the curtain fell
behind them
There were but eight yet somehow as they flocked in they gave the
impression of a much larger number Some of them were very tall many were
dressed in white and all had a sweeping amplitude of array that seemed to
magnify their persons as a mist magnifies the moon I rose and curtseyed to
them one or two bent their heads in return the others only stared at me
They dispersed about the room reminding me by the lightness and buoyancy
of their movements of a flock of white plumy birds Some of them threw
themselves in halfreclining positions on the sofas and ottomans some bent over
the tables and examined the flowers and books the rest gathered in a group
round the fire all talked in a low but clear tone which seemed habitual to
them I knew their names afterwards and may as well mention them now
First there was Mrs Eshton and two of her daughters She had evidently
been a handsome woman and was well preserved still Of her daughters the
eldest Amy was rather little naïve and childlike in face and manner and
piquant in form her white muslin dress and blue sash became her well The
second Louisa was taller and more elegant in figure with a very pretty face
of that order the French term »minois chiffonné« both sisters were fair as
lilies
Lady Lynn was a large and stout personage of about forty very erect very
haughtylooking richly dressed in a satin robe of changeful sheen her dark
hair shone glossily under the shade of an azure plume and within the circlet of
a band of gems
Mrs Colonel Dent was less showy but I thought more ladylike She had a
slight figure a pale gentle face and fair hair Her black satin dress her
scarf of rich foreign lace and her pearl ornaments pleased me better than the
rainbow radiance of the titled dame
But the three most distinguished partly perhaps because the tallest
figures of the band were the Dowager Lady Ingram and her daughters Blanche
and Mary They were all three of the loftiest stature of woman The dowager
might be between forty and fifty her shape was still fine her hair by
candlelight at least still black her teeth too were still apparently
perfect Most people would have termed her a splendid woman of her age and so
she was no doubt physically speaking but then there was an expression of
almost insupportable haughtiness in her bearing and countenance She had Roman
features and a double chin disappearing into a throat like a pillar these
features appeared to me not only inflated and darkened but even furrowed with
pride and the chin was sustained by the same principle in a position of almost
preternatural erectness She had likewise a fierce and a hard eye it reminded
me of Mrs Reeds she mouthed her words in speaking her voice was deep its
inflections very pompous very dogmatical very intolerable in short A
crimson velvet robe and a shawl turban of some goldwrought Indian fabric
invested her I suppose she thought with a truly imperial dignity
Blanche and Mary were of equal stature straight and tall as poplars Mary
was too slim for her height but Blanche was moulded like a Dian I regarded
her of course with special interest First I wished to see whether her
appearance accorded with Mrs Fairfaxs description secondly whether it at all
resembled the fancy miniature I had painted of her and thirdly it will out
whether it were such as I should fancy likely to suit Mr Rochesters taste
As far as person went she answered point for point both to my picture and
Mrs Fairfaxs description The noble bust the sloping shoulders the graceful
neck the dark eyes and black ringlets were all there but her face Her face
was like her mothers a youthful unfurrowed likeness the same low brow the
same high features the same pride It was not however so saturnine a pride
she laughed continually her laugh was satirical and so was the habitual
expression of her arched and haughty lip
Genius is said to be selfconscious I cannot tell whether Miss Ingram was a
genius but she was selfconscious remarkably selfconscious indeed She
entered into a discourse on botany with the gentle Mrs Dent It seems Mrs Dent
had not studied that science though as she said she liked flowers
»especially wild ones« Miss Ingram had and she ran over its vocabulary with an
air I presently perceived she was what is vernacularly termed trailing Mrs
Dent that is playing on her ignorance her trail might be clever but it was
decidedly not goodnatured She played her execution was brilliant she sang
her voice was fine she talked French apart to her mama and she talked it well
with fluency and with a good accent
Mary had a milder and more open countenance than Blanche softer features
too and a skin some shades fairer Miss Ingram was dark as a Spaniard but
Mary was deficient in life her face lacked expression her eye lustre she had
nothing to say and having once taken her seat remained fixed like a statue in
its niche The sisters were both attired in spotless white
And did I now think Miss Ingram such a choice as Mr Rochester would be
likely to make I could not tell I did not know his taste in female beauty If
he liked the majestic she was the very type of majesty then she was
accomplished sprightly Most gentlemen would admire her I thought and that he
did admire her I already seemed to have obtained proof to remove the last
shade of doubt it remained but to see them together
You are not to suppose reader that Adèle has all this time been sitting
motionless on the stool at my feet no when the ladies entered she rose
advanced to meet them made a stately reverence and said with gravity
»Bon jour mesdames«
And Miss Ingram had looked down at her with a mocking air and exclaimed
»Oh what a little puppet«
Lady Lynn had remarked »It is Mr Rochesters ward I suppose the little
French girl he was speaking of«
Mrs Dent had kindly taken her hand and given her a kiss Amy and Louisa
Eshton had cried out simultaneously
»What a love of a child«
And then they had called her to a sofa where she now sat ensconced between
them chattering alternately in French and broken English absorbing not only
the young ladies attention but that of Mrs Eshton and Lady Lynn and getting
spoilt to her hearts content
At last coffee is brought in and the gentlemen are summoned I sit in the
shade if any shade there be in this brilliantlylit apartment the
windowcurtain half hides me Again the arch yawns they come The collective
appearance of the gentlemen like that of the ladies is very imposing they are
all costumed in black most of them are tall some young Henry and Frederick
Lynn are very dashing sparks indeed and Colonel Dent is a fine soldierly man
Mr Eshton the magistrate of the district is gentlemanlike his hair is quite
white his eyebrows and whiskers still dark which gives him something of the
appearance of a »père noble de théâtre« Lord Ingram like his sisters is very
tall like them also he is handsome but he shares Marys apathetic and
listless look he seems to have more length of limb than vivacity of blood or
vigour of brain
And where is Mr Rochester
He comes in last I am not looking at the arch yet I see him enter I try
to concentrate my attention on those nettingneedles on the meshes of the purse
I am forming I wish to think only of the work I have in my hands to see only
the silver beads and silk threads that lie in my lap whereas I distinctly
behold his figure and I inevitably recall the moment when I last saw it just
after I had rendered him what he deemed an essential service and he holding
my hand and looking down on my face surveyed me with eyes that revealed a
heart fall and eager to overflow in whose emotions I had a part How near had I
approached him at that moment What had occurred since calculated to change his
and my relative positions Yet now how distant how far estranged we were So
far estranged that I did not expect him to come and speak to me I did not
wonder when without looking at me he took a seat at the other side of the
room and began conversing with some of the ladies
No sooner did I see that his attention was riveted on them and that I might
gaze without being observed than my eyes were drawn involuntarily to his face
I could not keep their lids under control they would rise and the irids would
fix on him I looked and had an acute pleasure in looking a precious yet
poignant pleasure pure gold with a steely point of agony a pleasure like what
the thirstperishing man might feel who knows the well to which he has crept is
poisoned yet stoops and drinks divine draughts nevertheless
Most true is it that »beauty is in the eye of the gazer« My masters
colourless olive face square massive brow broad and jetty eyebrows deep
eyes strong features firm grim mouth all energy decision will were
not beautiful according to rule but they were more than beautiful to me they
were full of an interest an influence that quite mastered me that took my
feelings from my own power and fettered them in his I had not intended to love
him the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of
love there detected and now at the first renewed view of him they
spontaneously revived green and strong He made me love him without looking at
me
I compared him with his guests What was the gallant grace of the Lynns the
languid elegance of Lord Ingram even the military distinction of Colonel
Dent contrasted with his look of native pith and genuine power I had no
sympathy in their appearance their expression yet I could imagine that most
observers would call them attractive handsome imposing while they would
pronounce Mr Rochester at once harshfeatured and melancholylooking I saw
them smile laugh it was nothing the light of the candles had as much soul in
it as their smile the tinkle of the bell as much significance as their laugh I
saw Mr Rochester smile his stern features softened his eye grew both
brilliant and gentle its ray both searching and sweet He was talking at the
moment to Louisa and Amy Eshton I wondered to see them receive with calm that
look which seemed to me so penetrating I expected their eyes to fall their
colour to rise under it yet I was glad when I found they were in no sense
moved »He is not to them what he is to me« I thought »he is not of their
kind I believe he is of mine I am sure he is I feel akin to him I
understand the language of his countenance and movements though rank and wealth
sever us widely I have something in my brain and heart in my blood and nerves
that assimilates me mentally to him Did I say a few days since that I had
nothing to do with him but to receive my salary at his hands Did I forbid
myself to think of him in any other light than as a paymaster Blasphemy against
nature Every good true vigorous feeling I have gathers impulsively round
him I know I must conceal my sentiments I must smother hope I must remember
that he cannot care much for me For when I say that I am of his kind I do not
mean that I have his force to influence and his spell to attract I mean only
that I have certain tastes and feelings in common with him I must then repeat
continually that we are for ever sundered and yet while I breathe and think
I must love him«
Coffee is handed The ladies since the gentlemen entered have become
lively as larks conversation waxes brisk and merry Colonel Dent and Mr Eshton
argue on politics their wives listen The two proud dowagers Lady Lynn and
Lady Ingram confabulate together Sir George whom bytheby I have
forgotten to describe a very big and very freshlooking country gentleman
stands before their sofa coffeecup in hand and occasionally puts in a word
Mr Frederick Lynn has taken a seat beside Mary Ingram and is showing her the
engravings of a splendid volume she looks smiles now and then but apparently
says little The tall and phlegmatic Lord Ingram leans with folded arms on the
chairback of the little and lively Amy Eshton she glances up at him and
chatters like a wren she likes him better than she does Mr Rochester Henry
Lynn has taken possession of an ottoman at the feet of Louisa Adèle shares it
with him he is trying to talk French with her and Louisa laughs at his
blunders With whom will Blanche Ingram pair She is standing alone at the
table bending gracefully over an album She seems waiting to be sought but she
will not wait too long she herself selects a mate
Mr Rochester having quitted the Eshtons stands on the hearth as solitary
as she stands by the table she confronts him taking her station on the
opposite side of the mantelpiece
»Mr Rochester I thought you were not fond of children«
»Nor am I«
»Then what induced you to take charge of such a little doll as that«
pointing to Adèle »Where did you pick her up«
»I did not pick her up she was left on my hands«
»You should have sent her to school«
»I could not afford it schools are so dear«
»Why I suppose you have a governess for her I saw a person with her just
now is she gone Oh no there she is still behind the windowcurtain You pay
her of course I should think it quite as expensive more so for you have
them both to keep in addition«
I feared or should I say hoped the allusion to me would make Mr
Rochester glance my way and I involuntarily shrank further into the shade but
he never turned his eyes
»I have not considered the subject« said he indifferently looking straight
before him
»No you men never do consider economy and commonsense You should hear
mama on the chapter of governesses Mary and I have had I should think a dozen
at least in our day half of them detestable and the rest ridiculous and all
incubi were they not mama«
»Did you speak my own«
The young lady thus claimed as the dowagers special property reiterated
her question with an explanation
»My dearest dont mention governesses the word makes me nervous I have
suffered a martyrdom from their incompetency and caprice I thank Heaven I have
now done with them«
Mrs Dent here bent over to the pious lady and whispered something in her
ear I suppose from the answer elicited it was a reminder that one of the
anathematized race was present
»Tant pis« said her ladyship »I hope it may do her good« Then in a lower
tone but still loud enough for me to hear »I noticed her I am a judge of
physiognomy and in hers I see all the faults of her class«
»What are they madam« inquired Mr Rochester aloud
»I will tell you in your private ear« replied she wagging her turban three
times with portentous significancy
»But my curiosity will be past its appetite it craves food now«
»Ask Blanche she is nearer you than I«
»Oh dont refer him to me mama I have just one word to say of the whole
tribe they are a nuisance Not that I ever suffered much from them I took care
to turn the tables What tricks Theodore and I used to play on our Miss Wilsons
and Mrs Greys and Madame Jouberts Mary was always too sleepy to join in a
plot with spirit The best fun was with Madame Joubert Miss Wilson was a poor
sickly thing lachrymose and lowspirited not worth the trouble of vanquishing
in short and Mrs Grey was coarse and insensible no blow took effect on her
But poor Madame Joubert I see her yet in her raging passions when we had
driven her to extremities spilt our tea crumbled our bread and butter tossed
our books up to the ceiling and played a charivari with the ruler and desk the
fender and fireirons Theodore do you remember those merry days«
»Yaas to be sure I do« drawled Lord Ingram »and the poor old stick used
to cry out Oh you villains childs and then we sermonized her on the
presumption of attempting to teach such clever blades as we were when she was
herself so ignorant«
»We did and Tedo you know I helped you in prosecuting or persecuting
your tutor wheyfaced Mr Vining the parson in the pip as we used to call
him He and Miss Wilson took the liberty of falling in love with each other at
least Tedo and I thought so we surprised sundry tender glances and sighs which
we interpreted as tokens of la belle passion and I promise you the public soon
had the benefit of our discovery we employed it as a sort of lever to hoist our
deadweights from the house Dear mama there as soon as she got an inkling of
the business found out that it was of an immoral tendency Did you not my
ladymother«
»Certainly my best And I was quite right depend on that there are a
thousand reasons why liaisons between governesses and tutors should never be
tolerated a moment in any wellregulated house firstly «
»Oh gracious mama Spare us the enumeration Au reste we all know them
danger of bad example to innocence of childhood distractions and consequent
neglect of duty on the part of the attached mutual alliance and reliance
confidence thence resulting insolence accompanying mutiny and general
blowup Am I right Baroness Ingram of Ingram Park«
»My lilyflower you are right now as always«
»Then no more need be said change the subject«
Amy Eshton not hearing or not heeding this dictum joined in with her soft
infantine tone »Louisa and I used to quiz our governess too but she was such a
good creature she would bear anything nothing put her out She was never cross
with us was she Louisa«
»No never we might do what we pleased ransack her desk and her workbox
and turn her drawers inside out and she was so goodnatured she would give us
anything we asked for«
»I suppose now« said Miss Ingram curling her lip sarcastically »we shall
have an abstract of the memoirs of all the governesses extant in order to avert
such a visitation I again move the introduction of a new topic Mr Rochester
do you second my motion«
»Madam I support you on this point as on every other«
»Then on me be the onus of bringing it forward Signior Eduardo are you in
voice tonight«
»Donna Bianca if you command it I will be«
»Then Signior I lay on you my sovereign behest to furbish up your lungs and
other vocal organs as they will be wanted on my royal service«
»Who would not be the Rizzio of so divine a Mary«
»A fig for Rizzio« cried she tossing her head with all its curls as she
moved to the piano »It is my opinion the fiddler David must have been an
insipid sort of fellow I like black Bothwell better to my mind a man is
nothing without a spice of the devil in him and history may say what it will of
James Hepburn but I have a notion he was just the sort of wild fierce
bandithero whom I could have consented to gift with my hand«
»Gentlemen you hear Now which of you most resembles Bothwell« cried Mr
Rochester
»I should say the preference lies with you« responded Colonel Dent
»On my honour I am much obliged to you« was the reply
Miss Ingram who had now seated herself with proud grace at the piano
spreading out her snowy robes in queenly amplitude commenced a brilliant
prelude talking meantime She appeared to be on her high horse tonight both
her words and her air seemed intended to excite not only the admiration but the
amazement of her auditors she was evidently bent on striking them as something
very dashing and daring indeed
»Oh I am so sick of the young men of the present day« exclaimed she
rattling away at the instrument »Poor puny things not fit to stir a step
beyond papas parkgates nor to go even so far without mamas permission and
guardianship Creatures so absorbed in care about their pretty faces and their
white hands and their small feet as if a man had anything to do with beauty
As if loveliness were not the special prerogative of woman her legitimate
appanage and heritage I grant an ugly woman is a blot on the fair face of
creation but as to the gentlemen let them be solicitous to possess only
strength and valour let their motto be Hunt shoot and fight the rest is
not worth a fillip Such should be my device were I a man«
»Whenever I marry« she continued after a pause which none interrupted »I
am resolved my husband shall not be a rival but a foil to me I will suffer no
competitor near the throne I shall exact an undivided homage his devotions
shall not be shared between me and the shape he sees in his mirror Mr
Rochester now sing and I will play for you«
»I am all obedience« was the response
»Here then is a Corsairsong Know that I doat on Corsairs and for that
reason sing it con spirito«
»Commands from Miss Ingrams lips would put spirit into a mug of milk and
water«
»Take care then if you dont please me I will shame you by showing how
such things should be done«
»That is offering a premium on incapacity I shall now endeavour to fail«
»Gardezvous en bien If you err wilfully I shall devise a proportionate
punishment«
»Miss Ingram ought to be clement for she has it in her power to inflict a
chastisement beyond mortal endurance«
»Ha explain« commanded the lady
»Pardon me madam no need of explanation your own fine sense must inform
you that one of your frowns would be a sufficient substitute for capital
punishment«
»Sing« said she and again touching the piano she commenced an
accompaniment in spirited style
»Now is my time to slip away« thought I but the tones that then severed
the air arrested me Mrs Fairfax had said Mr Rochester possessed a fine voice
he did a mellow powerful bass into which he threw his own feeling his own
force finding a way through the ear to the heart and there waking sensation
strangely I waited till the last deep and full vibration had expired till the
tide of talk checked an instant had resumed its flow I then quitted my
sheltered corner and made my exit by the sidedoor which was fortunately near
Thence a narrow passage led into the hall in crossing it I perceived my sandal
was loose I stopped to tie it kneeling down for that purpose on the mat at the
foot of the staircase I heard the diningroom door unclose a gentleman came
out rising hastily I stood face to face with him it was Mr Rochester
»How do you do« he asked
»I am very well sir«
»Why did you not come and speak to me in the room«
I thought I might have retorted the question on him who put it but I would
not take that freedom I answered
»I did not wish to disturb you as you seemed engaged sir«
»What have you been doing during my absence«
»Nothing particular teaching Adèle as usual«
»And getting a good deal paler than you were as I saw at first sight What
is the matter«
»Nothing at all sir«
»Did you take any cold that night you half drowned me«
»Not the least«
»Return to the drawingroom you are deserting too early«
»I am tired sir«
He looked at me for a minute
»And a little depressed« he said »What about Tell me«
»Nothing nothing sir I am not depressed«
»But I affirm that you are so much depressed that a few more words would
bring tears to your eyes indeed they are there now shining and swimming and
a bead has slipped from the lash and fallen on to the flag If I had time and
was not in mortal dread of some prating prig of a servant passing I would know
what all this means Well tonight I excuse you but understand that so long as
my visitors stay I expect you to appear in the drawingroom every evening it
is my wish dont neglect it Now go and send Sophie for Adèle Goodnight my
« He stopped bit his lip and abruptly left me
Chapter XVIII
Merry days were these at ThornfieldHall and busy days too how different from
the first three months of stillness monotony and solitude I had passed beneath
its roof All sad feelings seemed now driven from the house all gloomy
associations forgotten there was life everywhere movement all day long You
could not now traverse the gallery once so hushed nor enter the front
chambers once so tenantless without encountering a smart ladys maid or a
dandy valet
The kitchen the butlers pantry the servants hall the entrance hall
were equally alive and the saloons were only left void and still when the blue
sky and halcyon sunshine of the genial spring weather called their occupants out
into the grounds Even when that weather was broken and continuous rain set in
for some days no damp seemed cast over enjoyment indoor amusements only
became more lively and varied in consequence of the stop put to outdoor
gaiety
I wondered what they were going to do the first evening a change of
entertainment was proposed they spoke of »playing charades« but in my
ignorance I did not understand the term The servants were called in the
diningroom tables wheeled away the lights otherwise disposed the chairs
placed in a semicircle opposite the arch While Mr Rochester and the other
gentlemen directed these alterations the ladies were running up and down stairs
ringing for their maids Mrs Fairfax was summoned to give information
respecting the resources of the house in shawls dresses draperies of any kind
and certain wardrobes of the third story were ransacked and their contents in
the shape of brocaded and hooped petticoats satin sacques black modes lace
lappets etc were brought down in armfuls by the Abigails then a selection
was made and such things as were chosen were carried to the boudoir within the
drawingroom
Meantime Mr Rochester had again summoned the ladies round him and was
selecting certain of their number to be of his party »Miss Ingram is mine of
course« said he afterwards he named the two Misses Eshton and Mrs Dent He
looked at me I happened to be near him as I had been fastening the clasp of
Mrs Dents bracelet which had got loose
»Will you play« he asked I shook my head He did not insist which I
rather feared he would have done he allowed me to return quietly to my usual
seat
He and his aids now withdrew behind the curtain the other party which was
headed by Colonel Dent sat down on the crescent of chairs One of the
gentlemen Mr Eshton observing me seemed to propose that I should be asked to
join them but Lady Ingram instantly negatived the notion
»No« I heard her say »she looks too stupid for any game of the sort«
Ere long a bell tinkled and the curtain drew up Within the arch the
bulky figure of Sir George Lynn whom Mr Rochester had likewise chosen was
seen enveloped in a white sheet before him on a table lay open a large book
and at his side stood Amy Eshton draped in Mr Rochesters cloak and holding a
book in her hand Somebody unseen rang the bell merrily then Adèle who had
insisted on being one of her guardians party bounded forward scattering round
her the contents of a basket of flowers she carried on her arm Then appeared
the magnificent figure of Miss Ingram clad in white a long veil on her head
and a wreath of roses round her brow by her side walked Mr Rochester and
together they drew near the table They knelt while Mrs Dent and Louisa
Eshton dressed also in white took up their stations behind them A ceremony
followed in dumb show in which it was easy to recognise the pantomime of a
marriage At its termination Colonel Dent and his party consulted in whispers
for two minutes then the colonel called out
»Bride« Mr Rochester bowed and the curtain fell
A considerable interval elapsed before it again rose Its second rising
displayed a more elaborately prepared scene than the last The drawingroom as
I have before observed was raised two steps above the diningroom and on the
top of the upper step placed a yard or two back within the room appeared a
large marble basin which I recognised as an ornament of the conservatory
where it usually stood surrounded by exotics and tenanted by gold fish and
whence it must have been transported with some trouble on account of its size
and weight
Seated on the carpet by the side of this basin was seen Mr Rochester
costumed in shawls with a turban on his head His dark eyes and swarth skin and
Paynim features suited the costume exactly he looked the very model of an
eastern emir an agent or a victim of the bowstring Presently advanced into
view Miss Ingram She too was attired in oriental fashion a crimson scarf
tied sashlike round the waist an embroidered handkerchief knotted about her
temples her beautifullymoulded arms bare one of them upraised in the act of
supporting a pitcher poised gracefully on her head Both her cast of form and
feature her complexion and her general air suggested the idea of some
Israelitish princess of the patriarchal days and such was doubtless the
character she intended to represent
She approached the basin and bent over it as if to fill her pitcher she
again lifted it to her head The personage on the wellbrink now seemed to
accost her to make some request »She hasted let down her pitcher on her
hand and gave him to drink« From the bosom of his robe he then produced a
casket opened it and showed magnificent bracelets and earrings she acted
astonishment and admiration kneeling he laid the treasure at her feet
incredulity and delight were expressed by her looks and gestures the stranger
fastened the bracelets on her arms and the rings in her ears It was Eliezer
and Rebecca the camels only were wanting
The divining party again laid their heads together apparently they could
not agree about the word or syllable this scene illustrated Colonel Dent their
spokesman demanded »the tableau of the Whole« whereupon the curtain again
descended
On its third rising only a portion of the drawingroom was disclosed the
rest being concealed by a screen hung with some sort of dark and coarse
drapery The marble basin was removed in its place stood a deal table and a
kitchen chair these objects were visible by a very dim light proceeding from a
horn lantern the wax candles being all extinguished
Amidst this sordid scene sat a man with his clenched hands resting on his
knees and his eyes bent on the ground I knew Mr Rochester though the
begrimed face the disordered dress his coat hanging loose from one arm as if
it had been almost torn from his back in a scuffle the desperate and scowling
countenance the rough bristling hair might well have disguised him As he
moved a chain clanked to his wrists were attached fetters
»Bridewell« exclaimed Colonel Dent and the charade was solved
A sufficient interval having elapsed for the performers to resume their
ordinary costume they reentered the diningroom Mr Rochester led in Miss
Ingram she was complimenting him on his acting
»Do you know« said she »that of the three characters I liked you in the
last best Oh had you but lived a few years earlier what a gallant
gentlemanhighwayman you would have made«
»Is all the soot washed from my face« he asked turning it towards her
»Alas yes the mores the pity Nothing could be more becoming to your
complexion than that ruffians rouge«
»You would like a hero of the road then«
»An English hero of the road would be the next best thing to an Italian
bandit and that could only be surpassed by a Levantine pirate«
»Well whatever I am remember you are my wife we were married an hour
since in the presence of all these witnesses« She giggled and her colour
rose
»Now Dent« continued Mr Rochester »it is your turn« And as the other
party withdrew he and his band took the vacated seats Miss Ingram placed
herself at her leaders right hand the other diviners filled the chairs on each
side of him and her I did not now watch the actors I no longer waited with
interest for the curtain to rise my attention was absorbed by the spectators
my eyes erewhile fixed on the arch were now irresistibly attracted to the
semicircle of chairs What charade Colonel Dent and his party played what word
they chose how they acquitted themselves I no longer remember but I still see
the consultation which followed each scene I see Mr Rochester turn to Miss
Ingram and Miss Ingram to him I see her incline her head towards him till the
jetty curls almost touch his shoulder and wave against his cheek I hear their
mutual whisperings I recall their interchanged glances and something even of
the feeling roused by the spectacle returns in memory at this moment
I have told you reader that I had learnt to love Mr Rochester I could
not unlove him now merely because I found that he had ceased to notice me
because I might pass hours in his presence and he would never once turn his
eyes in my direction because I saw all his attentions appropriated by a great
lady who scorned to touch me with the hem of her robes as she passed who if
ever her dark and imperious eye fell on me by chance would withdraw it
instantly as from an object too mean to merit observation I could not unlove
him because I felt sure he would soon marry this very lady because I read
daily in her a proud security in his intentions respecting her because I
witnessed hourly in him a style of courtship which if careless and choosing
rather to be sought than to seek was yet in its very carelessness
captivating and in its very pride irresistible
There was nothing to cool or banish love in these circumstances though much
to create despair Much too you will think reader to engender jealousy if a
woman in my position could presume to be jealous of a woman in Miss Ingrams
But I was not jealous or very rarely the nature of the pain I suffered could
not be explained by that word Miss Ingram was a mark beneath jealousy she was
too inferior to excite the feeling Pardon the seeming paradox I mean what I
say She was very showy but she was not genuine she had a fine person many
brilliant attainments but her mind was poor her heart barren by nature
nothing bloomed spontaneously on that soil no unforced natural fruit delighted
by its freshness She was not good she was not original she used to repeat
sounding phrases from books she never offered nor had an opinion of her own
She advocated a high tone of sentiment but she did not know the sensations of
sympathy and pity tenderness and truth were not in her Too often she betrayed
this by the undue vent she gave to a spiteful antipathy she had conceived
against little Adèle pushing her away with some contumelious epithet if she
happened to approach her sometimes ordering her from the room and always
treating her with coldness and acrimony Other eyes besides mine watched these
manifestations of character watched them closely keenly shrewdly Yes the
future bridegroom Mr Rochester himself exercised over his intended a
ceaseless surveillance and it was from this sagacity this guardedness of his
this perfect clear consciousness of his fair ones defects this obvious
absence of passion in his sentiments towards her that my evertorturing pain
arose
I saw he was going to marry her for family perhaps political reasons
because her rank and connexions suited him I felt he had not given her his
love and that her qualifications were ill adapted to win from him that
treasure This was the point this was where the nerve was touched and teazed
this was where the fever was sustained and fed she could not charm him
If she had managed the victory at once and he had yielded and sincerely
laid his heart at her feet I should have covered my face turned to the wall
and figuratively have died to them If Miss Ingram had been a good and noble
woman endowed with force fervour kindness sense I should have had one vital
struggle with two tigers jealousy and despair then my heart torn out and
devoured I should have admired her acknowledged her excellence and been
quiet for the rest of my days and the more absolute her superiority the deeper
would have been my admiration the more truly tranquil my quiescence But as
matters really stood to watch Miss Ingrams efforts at fascinating Mr
Rochester to witness their repeated failure herself unconscious that they did
fail vainly fancying that each shaft launched hit the mark and infatuatedly
pluming herself on success when her pride and selfcomplacency repelled further
and further what she wished to allure to witness this was to be at once under
ceaseless excitation and ruthless restraint
Because when she failed I saw how she might have succeeded Arrows that
continually glanced off from Mr Rochesters breast and fell harmless at his
feet might I knew if shot by a surer hand have quivered keen in his proud
heart have called love into his stern eye and softness into his sardonic
face or better still without weapons a silent conquest might have been won
»Why can she not influence him more when she is privileged to draw so near
to him« I asked myself »Surely she cannot truly like him or not like him with
true affection If she did she need not coin her smiles so lavishly flash her
glances so unremittingly manufacture airs so elaborate graces so
multitudinous It seems to me that she might by merely sitting quietly at his
side saying little and looking less get nigher his heart I have seen in his
face a far different expression from that which hardens it now while she is so
vivaciously accosting him but then it came of itself it was not elicited by
meretricious arts and calculated manoeuvres and one had but to accept it to
answer what he asked without pretension to address him when needful without
grimace and it increased and grew kinder and more genial and warmed one like
a fostering sunbeam How will she manage to please him when they are married I
do not think she will manage it and yet it might be managed and his wife
might I verily believe be the very happiest woman the sun shines on«
I have not yet said anything condemnatory of Mr Rochesters project of
marrying for interest and connexions It surprised me when I first discovered
that such was his intention I had thought him a man unlikely to be influenced
by motives so commonplace in his choice of a wife but the longer I considered
the position education etc of the parties the less I felt justified in
judging and blaming either him or Miss Ingram for acting in conformity to ideas
and principles instilled into them doubtless from their childhood All their
class held these principles I supposed then they had reasons for holding them
such as I could not fathom It seemed to me that were I a gentleman like him I
would take to my bosom only such a wife as I could love but the very
obviousness of the advantages to the husbands own happiness offered by this
plan convinced me that there must be arguments against its general adoption of
which I was quite ignorant otherwise I felt sure all the world would act as I
wished to act
But in other points as well as this I was growing very lenient to my
master I was forgetting all his faults for which I had once kept a sharp
lookout It had formerly been my endeavour to study all sides of his character
to take the bad with the good and from the just weighing of both to form an
equitable judgment Now I saw no bad The sarcasm that had repelled the
harshness that had startled me once were only like keen condiments in a choice
dish their presence was pungent but their absence would be felt as
comparatively insipid And as for the vague something was it a sinister or a
sorrowful a designing or a desponding expression that opened upon a careful
observer now and then in his eye and closed again before one could fathom the
strange depth partially disclosed that something which used to make me fear and
shrink as if I had been wandering amongst volcaniclooking hills and had
suddenly felt the ground quiver and seen it gape that something I at
intervals beheld still and with throbbing heart but not with palsied nerves
Instead of wishing to shun I longed only to dare to divine it and I thought
Miss Ingram happy because one day she might look into the abyss at her leisure
explore its secrets and analyse their nature
Meantime while I thought only of my master and his future bride saw only
them heard only their discourse and considered only their movements of
importance the rest of the party were occupied with their own separate
interests and pleasures The ladies Lynn and Ingram continued to consort in
solemn conferences where they nodded their two turbans at each other and held
up their four hands in confronting gestures of surprise or mystery or horror
according to the theme on which their gossip ran like a pair of magnified
puppets Mild Mrs Dent talked with goodnatured Mrs Eshton and the two
sometimes bestowed a courteous word or smile on me Sir George Lynn Colonel
Dent and Mr Eshton discussed politics or county affairs or justice
business Lord Ingram flirted with Amy Eshton Louisa played and sang to and
with one of the Messrs Lynn and Mary Ingram listened languidly to the gallant
speeches of the other Sometimes all as with one consent suspended their
byplay to observe and listen to the principal actors for after all Mr
Rochester and because closely connected with him Miss Ingram were the life
and soul of the party If he was absent from the room an hour a perceptible
dulness seemed to steal over the spirits of his guests and his reentrance was
sure to give a fresh impulse to the vivacity of conversation
The want of his animating influence appeared to be peculiarly felt one day
that he had been summoned to Millcote on business and was not likely to return
till late The afternoon was wet a walk the party had proposed to take to see a
gipsy camp lately pitched on a common beyond Hay was consequently deferred
Some of the gentlemen were gone to the stables the younger ones together with
the younger ladies were playing billiards in the billiardroom The dowagers
Ingram and Lynn sought solace in a quiet game at cards Blanche Ingram after
having repelled by supercilious taciturnity some efforts of Mrs Dent and Mrs
Eshton to draw her into conversation had first murmured over some sentimental
tunes and airs on the piano and then having fetched a novel from the library
had flung herself in haughty listlessness on a sofa and prepared to beguile by
the spell of fiction the tedious hours of absence The room and the house were
silent only now and then the merriment of the billiard players was heard from
above
It was verging on dusk and the clock had already given warning of the hour
to dress for dinner when little Adèle who knelt by me in the drawingroom
windowseat exclaimed
»Voilà Monsieur Rochester qui revient«
I turned and Miss Ingram darted forwards from her sofa the others too
looked up from their several occupations for at the same time a crunching of
wheels and a splashing tramp of horsehoofs became audible on the wet gravel A
postchaise was approaching
»What can possess him to come home in that style« said Miss Ingram »He
rode Mesrour the black horse did he not when he went out and Pilot was with
him what has he done with the animals«
As she said this she approached her tall person and ample garments so near
the window that I was obliged to bend back almost to the breaking of my spine
in her eagerness she did not observe me at first but when she did she curled
her lip and moved to another casement The postchaise stopped the driver rang
the doorbell and a gentleman alighted attired in travelling garb but it was
not Mr Rochester it was a tall fashionablelooking man a stranger
»Provoking« exclaimed Miss Ingram »you tiresome monkey« apostrophizing
Adèle »who perched you up in the window to give false intelligence« and she
cast on me an angry glance as if I were in fault
Some parleying was audible in the hall and soon the new comer entered He
bowed to Lady Ingram as deeming her the eldest lady present
»It appears I come at an inopportune time madam« said he »when my friend
Mr Rochester is from home but I arrive from a very long journey and I think
I may presume so far on old and intimate acquaintance as to instal myself here
till he returns«
His manner was polite his accent in speaking struck me as being somewhat
unusual not precisely foreign but still not altogether English his age
might be about Mr Rochesters between thirty and forty his complexion was
singularly sallow otherwise he was a finelooking man at first sight
especially On closer examination you detected something in his face that
displeased or rather that failed to please His features were regular but too
relaxed his eye was large and well cut but the life looking out of it was a
tame vacant life at least so I thought
The sound of the dressingbell dispersed the party It was not till after
dinner that I saw him again he then seemed quite at his ease But I liked his
physiognomy even less than before it struck me as being at the same time
unsettled and inanimate His eye wandered and had no meaning in its wandering
this gave him an odd look such as I never remembered to have seen For a
handsome and not an unamiablelooking man he repelled me exceedingly there was
no power in that smoothskinned face of a full oval shape no firmness in that
aquiline nose and small cherry mouth there was no thought on the low even
forehead no command in that blank brown eye
As I sat in my usual nook and looked at him with the light of the
girandoles on the mantelpiece beaming full over him for he occupied an
armchair drawn close to the fire and kept shrinking still nearer as if he
were cold I compared him with Mr Rochester I think with deference be it
spoken the contrast could not be much greater between a sleek gander and a
fierce falcon between a meek sheep and the roughcoated keeneyed dog its
guardian
He had spoken of Mr Rochester as an old friend A curious friendship theirs
must have been a pointed illustration indeed of the old adage that extremes
meet
Two or three of the gentlemen sat near him and I caught at times scraps of
their conversation across the room At first I could not make much sense of what
I heard for the discourse of Louisa Eshton and Mary Ingram who sat nearer to
me confused the fragmentary sentences that reached me at intervals These last
were discussing the stranger they both called him a beautiful man Louisa said
he was »a love of a creature« and she »adored him« and Mary instanced his
»pretty little mouth and nice nose« as her ideal of the charming
»And what a sweettempered forehead he has« cried Louisa »so smooth
none of those frowning irregularities I dislike so much and such a placid eye
and smile«
And then to my great relief Mr Henry Lynn summoned them to the other side
of the room to settle some point about the deferred excursion to Hay Common
I was now able to concentrate my attention on the group by the fire and I
presently gathered that the new comer was called Mr Mason then I learnt that
he was but just arrived in England and that he came from some hot country
which was the reason doubtless his face was so sallow and that he sat so near
the hearth and wore a surtout in the house Presently the words Jamaica
Kingston Spanish Town indicated the West Indies as his residence and it was
with no little surprise I gathered ere long that he had there first seen and
become acquainted with Mr Rochester He spoke of his friends dislike of the
burning heats the hurricanes and rainy seasons of that region I knew Mr
Rochester had been a traveller Mrs Fairfax had said so but I thought the
continent of Europe had bounded his wanderings till now I had never heard a
hint given of visits to more distant shores
I was pondering these things when an incident and a somewhat unexpected
one broke the thread of my musings Mr Mason shivering as some one chanced to
open the door asked for more coal to be put on the fire which had burnt out
its flame though its mass of cinder still shone hot and red The footman who
brought the coal in going out stopped near Mr Eshtons chair and said
something to him in a low voice of which I heard only the words »old woman«
»quite troublesome«
»Tell her she shall be put in the stocks if she does not take herself off«
replied the magistrate
»No stop« interrupted Colonel Dent »Dont send her away Eshton we
might turn the thing to account better consult the ladies« And speaking aloud
he continued »Ladies you talked of going to Hay Common to visit the gipsy
camp Sam here says that one of the old Mother Bunches is in the servants
hall at this moment and insists upon being brought in before the quality to
tell them their fortunes Would you like to see her«
»Surely Colonel« cried Lady Ingram »you would not encourage such a low
impostor Dismiss her by all means at once«
»But I cannot persuade her to go away my lady« said the footman »nor can
any of the servants Mrs Fairfax is with her just now entreating her to be
gone but she has taken a chair in the chimneycorner and says nothing shall
stir her from it till she gets leave to come in here«
»What does she want« asked Mrs Eshton
»To tell the gentry their fortunes she says maam and she swears she must
and will do it«
»What is she like« inquired the Misses Eshton in a breath
»A shockingly ugly old creature Miss almost as black as a crock«
»Why shes a real sorceress« cried Frederick Lynn »Let us have her in of
course«
»To be sure« rejoined his brother »it would be a thousand pities to throw
away such a chance of fun«
»My dear boys what are you thinking about« exclaimed Lady Lynn
»I cannot possibly countenance any such inconsistent proceeding« chimed in
the Dowager Ingram
»Indeed mama but you can and will« pronounced the haughty voice of
Blanche as she turned round on the pianostool where till now she had sat
silent apparently examining sundry sheets of music »I have a curiosity to hear
my fortune told therefore Sam order the beldame forwards«
»My darling Blanche recollect «
»I do I recollect all you can suggest and I must have my will quick
Sam«
»Yes yes yes« cried all the juveniles both ladies and gentlemen »Let
her come it will be excellent sport«
The footman still lingered »She looks such a rough one« said he
»Go« ejaculated Miss Ingram and the man went
Excitement instantly seized the whole party a running fire of raillery and
jests was proceeding when Sam returned
»She wont come now« said he »She says its not her mission to appear
before the vulgar herd thems her words I must show her into a room by
herself and then those who wish to consult her must go to her one by one«
»You see now my queenly Blanche« began Lady Ingram »she encroaches Be
advised my angel girl and «
»Show her into the library of course« cut in the »angel girl« »It is not
my mission to listen to her before the vulgar herd either I mean to have her
all to myself Is there a fire in the library«
»Yes maam but she looks such a tinkler«
»Cease that chatter blockhead and do my bidding«
Again Sam vanished and mystery animation expectation rose to full flow
once more
»Shes ready now« said the footman as he reappeared »She wishes to know
who will be her first visitor«
»I think I had better just look in upon her before any of the ladies go«
said Colonel Dent
»Tell her Sam a gentleman is coming«
Sam went and returned
»She says sir that shell have no gentlemen they need not trouble
themselves to come near her nor« he added with difficulty suppressing a
titter »any ladies either except the young and single«
»By Jove she has taste« exclaimed Henry Lynn
Miss Ingram rose solemnly »I go first« she said in a tone which might
have befitted the leader of a forlorn hope mounting a breach in the van of his
men
»Oh my best oh my dearest pause reflect« was her mamas cry but she
swept past her in stately silence passed through the door which Colonel Dent
held open and we heard her enter the library
A comparative silence ensued Lady Ingrain thought it le cas to wring her
hands which she did accordingly Miss Mary declared she felt for her part she
never dared venture Amy and Louisa Eshton tittered under their breath and
looked a little frightened
The minutes passed very slowly fifteen were counted before the librarydoor
again opened Miss Ingram returned to us through the arch
Would she laugh Would she take it as a joke All eyes met her with a glance
of eager curiosity and she met all eyes with one of rebuff and coldness she
looked neither flurried nor merry she walked stiffly to her seat and took it
in silence
»Well Blanche« said Lord Ingram
»What did she say sister« asked Mary
»What do you think How do you feel Is she a real fortuneteller« demanded
the Misses Eshton
»Now now good people« returned Miss Ingram »dont press upon me Really
your organs of wonder and credulity are easily excited you seem by the
importance you all my good mama included ascribe to this matter absolutely
to believe we have a genuine witch in the house who is in close alliance with
the old gentleman I have seen a gipsyvagabond she has practised in hackneyed
fashion the science of palmistry and told me what such people usually tell My
whim is gratified and now I think Mr Eshton will do well to put the hag in the
stocks tomorrow morning as he threatened«
Miss Ingram took a book leant back in her chair and so declined further
conversation I watched her for nearly half an hour during all that time she
never turned a page and her face grew momently darker more dissatisfied and
more sourly expressive of disappointment She had obviously not heard anything
to her advantage and it seemed to me from her prolonged fit of gloom and
taciturnity that she herself notwithstanding her professed indifference
attached undue importance to whatever revelations had been made her
Meantime Mary Ingram Amy and Louisa Eshton declared they dared not go
alone and yet they all wished to go A negotiation was opened through the
medium of the ambassador Sam and after much pacing to and fro till I think
the said Sams calves must have ached with the exercise permission was at last
with great difficulty extorted from the rigorous Sybil for the three to wait
upon her in a body
Their visit was not so still as Miss Ingrams had been we heard hysterical
giggling and little shrieks proceeding from the library and at the end of about
twenty minutes they burst the door open and came running across the hall as if
they were halfscared out of their wits
»Im sure she is something not right« they cried one and all »She told us
such things She knows all about us« and they sank breathless into the various
seats the gentlemen hastened to bring them
Pressed for further explanation they declared she had told them of things
they had said and done when they were mere children described books and
ornaments they had in their boudoirs at home keepsakes that different relations
had presented to them They affirmed that she had even divined their thoughts
and had whispered in the ear of each the name of the person she liked best in
the world and informed them of what they most wished for
Here the gentlemen interposed with earnest petitions to be further
enlightened on these two lastnamed points but they got only blushes
ejaculations tremors and titters in return for their importunity The
matrons meantime offered vinaigrettes and wielded fans and again and again
reiterated the expression of their concern that their warning had not been taken
in time and the elder gentlemen laughed and the younger urged their services
on the agitated fair ones
In the midst of the tumult and while my eyes and ears were fully engaged in
the scene before me I heard a hem close at my elbow I turned and saw Sam
»If you please Miss the gipsy declares that there is another young single
lady in the room who has not been to her yet and she swears she will not go
till she has seen all I thought it must be you there is no one else for it
What shall I tell her«
»Oh I will go by all means« I answered and I was glad of the unexpected
opportunity to gratify my muchexcited curiosity I slipped out of the room
unobserved by any eye for the company were gathered in one mass about the
trembling trio just returned and I closed the door quietly behind me
»If you like Miss« said Sam »Ill wait in the hall for you and if she
frightens you just call and Ill come in«
»No Sam return to the kitchen I am not in the least afraid« Nor was I
but I was a good deal interested and excited
Chapter XIX
The Library looked tranquil enough as I entered it and the Sybil if Sybil she
were was seated snugly enough in an easy chair at the chimneycorner She had
on a red cloak and a black bonnet or rather a broadbrimmed gipsy hat tied
down with a striped handkerchief under her chin An extinguished candle stood on
the table she was bending over the fire and seemed reading in a little black
book like a prayerbook by the light of the blaze she muttered the words to
herself as most old women do while she read she did not desist immediately on
my entrance it appeared she wished to finish a paragraph
I stood on the rug and warmed my hands which were rather cold with sitting
at a distance from the drawingroom fire I felt now as composed as ever I did
in my life there was nothing indeed in the gipsys appearance to trouble ones
calm She shut her book and slowly looked up her hatbrim partially shaded her
face yet I could see as she raised it that it was a strange one It looked
all brown and black elflocks bristled out from beneath a white band which
passed under her chin and came half over her cheeks or rather jaws her eye
confronted me at once with a bold and direct gaze
»Well and you want your fortune told« she said in a voice as decided as
her glance as harsh as her features
»I dont care about it mother you may please yourself but I ought to warn
you I have no faith«
»Its like your impudence to say so I expected it of you I heard it in
your step as you crossed the threshold«
»Did you Youve a quick ear«
»I have and a quick eye and a quick brain«
»You need them all in your trade«
»I do especially when Ive customers like you to deal with Why dont you
tremble«
»Im not cold«
»Why dont you turn pale«
»I am not sick«
»Why dont you consult my art«
»Im not silly«
The old crone nichered a laugh under her bonnet and bandage she then drew
out a short black pipe and lighting it began to smoke Having indulged awhile
in this sedative she raised her bent body took the pipe from her lips and
while gazing steadily at the fire said very deliberately
»You are cold you are sick and you are silly«
»Prove it« I rejoined
»I will in few words You are cold because you are alone no contact
strikes the fire from you that is in you You are sick because the best of
feelings the highest and the sweetest given to man keeps far away from you
You are silly because suffer as you may you will not beckon it to approach
nor will you stir one step to meet it where it waits you«
She again put her short black pipe to her lips and renewed her smoking with
vigour
»You might say all that to almost any one who you knew lived as a solitary
dependant in a great house«
»I might say it to almost any one but would it be true of almost any one«
»In my circumstances«
»Yes just so in your circumstances but find me another precisely placed
as you are«
»It would be easy to find you thousands«
»You could scarcely find me one If you knew it you are peculiarly
situated very near happiness yes within reach of it The materials are all
prepared there only wants a movement to combine them Chance laid them somewhat
apart let them be once approached and bliss results«
»I dont understand enigmas I never could guess a riddle in my life«
»If you wish me to speak more plainly show me your palm«
»And I must cross it with silver I suppose«
»To be sure«
I gave her a shilling she put it into an old stockingfoot which she took
out of her pocket and having tied it round and returned it she told me to hold
out my hand I did She approached her face to the palm and pored over it
without touching it
»It is too fine« said she »I can make nothing of such a hand as that
almost without lines besides what is in a palm Destiny is not written there«
»I believe you« said I
»No« she continued »it is in the face on the forehead about the eyes in
the eyes themselves in the lines of the mouth Kneel and lift up your head«
»Ah now you are coming to reality« I said as I obeyed her »I shall begin
to put some faith in you presently«
I knelt within half a yard of her She stirred the fire so that a ripple of
light broke from the disturbed coal the glare however as she sat only threw
her face into deeper shadow mine it illumined
»I wonder with what feelings you came to me tonight« she said when she
had examined me a while »I wonder what thoughts are busy in your heart during
all the hours you sit in yonder room with the fine people flitting before you
like shapes in a magiclantern just as little sympathetic communion passing
between you and them as if they were really mere shadows of human forms and not
the actual substance«
»I feel tired often sleepy sometimes but seldom sad«
»Then you have some secret hope to buoy you up and please you with whispers
of the future«
»Not I The utmost I hope is to save money enough out of my earnings to set
up a school some day in a little house rented by myself«
»A mean nutriment for the spirit to exist on and sitting in that
windowseat you see I know your habits «
»You have learned them from the servants«
»Ah you think yourself sharp Well perhaps I have to speak truth I have
an acquaintance with one of them Mrs Poole «
I started to my feet when I heard the name
»You have have you« thought I »there is diablerie in the business after
all then«
»Dont be alarmed« continued the strange being »shes a safe hand is Mrs
Poole close and quiet any one may repose confidence in her But as I was
saying sitting in that windowseat do you think of nothing but your future
school Have you no present interest in any of the company who occupy the sofas
and chairs before you Is there not one face you study One figure whose
movements you follow with at least curiosity«
»I like to observe all the faces and all the figures«
»But do you never single one from the rest or it may be two«
»I do frequently when the gestures or looks of a pair seem telling a tale
it amuses me to watch them«
»What tale do you like best to hear«
»Oh I have not much choice They generally run on the same theme
courtship and promise to end in the same catastrophe marriage«
»And do you like that monotonous theme«
»Positively I dont care about it it is nothing to me«
»Nothing to you When a lady young and full of life and health charming
with beauty and endowed with the gifts of rank and fortune sits and smiles in
the eyes of a gentleman you «
»I what«
»You know and perhaps think well of«
»I dont know the gentlemen here I have scarcely interchanged a syllable
with one of them and as to thinking well of them I consider some respectable
and stately and middleaged and others young dashing handsome and lively
but certainly they are all at liberty to be the recipients of whose smiles they
please without my feeling disposed to consider the transaction of any moment to
me«
»You dont know the gentlemen here You have not exchanged a syllable with
one of them Will you say that of the master of the house«
»He is not at home«
»A profound remark A most ingenious quibble He went to Millcote this
morning and will be back here tonight or tomorrow does that circumstance
exclude him from the list of your acquaintance blot him as it were out of
existence«
»No but I can scarcely see what Mr Rochester has to do with the theme you
had introduced«
»I was talking of ladies smiling in the eyes of gentlemen and of late so
many smiles have been shed into Mr Rochesters eyes that they overflow like two
cups filled above the brim have you never remarked that«
»Mr Rochester has a right to enjoy the society of his guests«
»No question about his right but have you never observed that of all the
tales told here about matrimony Mr Rochester has been favoured with the most
lively and the most continuous«
»The eagerness of a listener quickens the tongue of a narrator« I said this
rather to myself than to the gipsy whose strange talk voice manner had by
this time wrapped me in a kind of dream One unexpected sentence came from her
lips after another till I got involved in a web of mystification and wondered
what unseen spirit had been sitting for weeks by my heart watching its workings
and taking record of every pulse
»Eagerness of a listener« repeated she »yes Mr Rochester has sat by the
hour his ear inclined to the fascinating lips that took such delight in their
task of communicating and Mr Rochester was so willing to receive and looked so
grateful for the pastime given him you have noticed this«
»Grateful I cannot remember detecting gratitude in his face«
»Detecting You have analyzed then And what did you detect if not
gratitude«
I said nothing
»You have seen love have you not and looking forward you have seen him
married and beheld his bride happy«
»Humph Not exactly Your witchs skill is rather at fault sometimes«
»What the devil have you seen then«
»Never mind I came here to inquire not to confess Is it known that Mr
Rochester is to be married«
»Yes and to the beautiful Miss Ingram«
»Shortly«
»Appearances would warrant that conclusion and no doubt though with an
audacity that wants chastising out of you you seem to question it they will
be a superlatively happy pair He must love such a handsome noble witty
accomplished lady and probably she loves him or if not his person at least
his purse I know she considers the Rochester estate eligible to the last
degree though God pardon me I told her something on that point about an hour
ago which made her look wondrous grave the corners of her mouth fell half an
inch I would advise her black aviced suitor to look out if another comes with
a longer or clearer rentroll hes dished «
»But mother I did not come to hear Mr Rochesters fortune I came to hear
my own and you have told me nothing of it«
»Your fortune is yet doubtful when I examined your face one trait
contradicted another Chance has meted you a measure of happiness that I know
I knew it before I came here this evening She has laid it carefully on one side
for you I saw her do it It depends on yourself to stretch out your hand and
take it up but whether you will do so is the problem I study Kneel again on
the rug«
»Dont keep me long the fire scorches me«
I knelt She did not stoop towards me but only gazed leaning back in her
chair She began muttering
»The flame flickers in the eye the eye shines like dew it looks soft and
full of feeling it smiles at my jargon it is susceptible impression follows
impression through its clear sphere where it ceases to smile it is sad an
unconscious lassitude weighs on the lid that signifies melancholy resulting
from loneliness It turns from me it will not suffer farther scrutiny it seems
to deny by a mocking glance the truth of the discoveries I have already made
to disown the charge both of sensibility and chagrin its pride and reserve
only confirm me in my opinion The eye is favourable
As to the mouth it delights at times in laughter it is disposed to impart
all that the brain conceives though I dare say it would be silent on much the
heart experiences Mobile and flexible it was never intended to be compressed
in the eternal silence of solitude it is a mouth which should speak much and
smile often and have human affection for its interlocutor That feature too is
propitious
I see no enemy to a fortunate issue but in the brow and that brow professes
to say I can live alone if selfrespect and circumstances require me so to
do I need not sell my soul to buy bliss I have an inward treasure born with
me which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld or
offered only at a price I cannot afford to give The forehead declares Reason
sits firm and holds the reins and she will not let the feelings burst away and
hurry her to wild chasms The passions may rage furiously like true heathens
as they are and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things but judgment
shall still have the last word in every argument and the casting vote in every
decision Strong wind earthquakeshock and fire may pass by but I shall
follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of
conscience
Well said forehead your declaration shall be respected I have formed my
plans right plans I deem them and in them I have attended to the claims of
conscience the counsels of reason I know how soon youth would fade and bloom
perish if in the cup of bliss offered but one dreg of shame or one flavour
of remorse were detected and I do not want sacrifice sorrow dissolution
such is not my taste I wish to foster not to blight to earn gratitude not
to wring tears of blood no nor of brine my harvest must be in smiles in
endearments in sweet That will do I think I rave in a kind of exquisite
delirium I should wish now to protract this moment ad infinitum but I dare
not So far I have governed myself thoroughly I have acted as I inwardly swore
I would act but farther might try me beyond my strength Rise Miss Eyre leave
me the play is played out«
Where was I Did I wake or sleep Had I been dreaming Did I dream still
The old womans voice had changed her accent her gesture and all were
familiar to me as my own face in a glass as the speech of my own tongue I got
up but did not go I looked I stirred the fire and I looked again but she
drew her bonnet and her bandage closer about her face and again beckoned me to
depart The flame illuminated her hand stretched out roused now and on the
alert for discoveries I at once noticed that hand It was no more the withered
limb of eld than my own it was a rounded supple member with smooth fingers
symmetrically turned a broad ring flashed on the little finger and stooping
forward I looked at it and saw a gem I had seen a hundred times before Again
I looked at the face which was no longer turned from me on the contrary the
bonnet was doffed the bandage displaced the head advanced
»Well Jane do you know me« asked the familiar voice
»Only take off the red cloak sir and then «
»But the string is in a knot help me«
»Break it sir«
»There then Off ye lendings« And Mr Rochester stepped out of his
disguise
»Now sir what a strange idea«
»But well carried out eh Dont you think so«
»With the ladies you must have managed well«
»But not with you«
»You did not act the character of a gipsy with me«
»What character did I act My own«
»No some unaccountable one In short I believe you have been trying to
draw me out or in you have been talking nonsense to make me talk nonsense It
is scarcely fair sir«
»Do you forgive me Jane«
»I cannot tell till I have thought it all over If on reflection I find I
have fallen into no great absurdity I shall try to forgive you but it was not
right«
»Oh you have been very correct very careful very sensible«
I reflected and thought on the whole I had It was a comfort but
indeed I had been on my guard almost from the beginning of the interview
Something of masquerade I suspected I knew gipsies and fortunetellers did not
express themselves as this seeming old woman had expressed herself besides I
had noted her feigned voice her anxiety to conceal her features But my mind
had been running on Grace Poole that living enigma that mystery of mysteries
as I considered her I had never thought of Mr Rochester
»Well« said he »what are you musing about What does that grave smile
signify«
»Wonder and selfcongratulation sir I have your permission to retire now
I suppose«
»No stay a moment and tell me what the people in the drawingroom yonder
are doing«
»Discussing the gipsy I daresay«
»Sit down Let me hear what they said about me«
»I had better not stay long sir it must be near eleven oclock Oh are
you aware Mr Rochester that a stranger has arrived here since you left this
morning«
»A stranger no who can it be I expected no one is he gone«
»No he said he had known you long and that he could take the liberty of
installing himself here till you returned«
»The devil he did Did he give his name«
»His name is Mason sir and he comes from the West Indies from Spanish
Town in Jamaica I think«
Mr Rochester was standing near me he had taken my hand as if to lead me
to a chair As I spoke he gave my wrist a convulsive grip the smile on his
lips froze apparently a spasm caught his breath
»Mason the West Indies« he said in the tone one might fancy a speaking
automaton to enounce its single words »Mason the West Indies« he
reiterated and he went over the syllables three times growing in the
intervals of speaking whiter than ashes he hardly seemed to know what he was
doing
»Do you feel ill sir« I inquired
»Jane Ive got a blow Ive got a blow Jane« he staggered
»Oh lean on me sir«
»Jane you offered me your shoulder once before let me have it now«
»Yes sir yes and my arm«
He sat down and made me sit beside him Holding my hand in both his own he
chafed it gazing on me at the same time with the most troubled and dreary
look
»My little friend« said he »I wish I were in a quiet island with only you
and trouble and danger and hideous recollections removed from me«
»Can I help you sir Id give my life to serve you«
»Jane if aid is wanted Ill seek it at your hands I promise you that«
»Thank you sir tell me what to do Ill try at least to do it«
»Fetch me now Jane a glass of wine from the diningroom they will be at
supper there and tell me if Mason is with them and what he is doing«
I went I found all the party in the diningroom at supper as Mr Rochester
had said they were not seated at table the supper was arranged on the
sideboard each had taken what he chose and they stood about here and there in
groups their plates and glasses in their hands Every one seemed in high glee
laughter and conversation were general and animated Mr Mason stood near the
fire talking to Colonel and Mrs Dent and appeared as merry as any of them I
filled a wineglass I saw Miss Ingram watch me frowningly as I did so she
thought I was taking a liberty I dare say and I returned to the library
Mr Rochesters extreme pallor had disappeared and he looked once more firm
and stern He took the glass from my hand
»Here is to your health ministrant spirit« he said he swallowed the
contents and returned it to me »What are they doing Jane«
»Laughing and talking sir«
»They dont look grave and mysterious as if they had heard something
strange«
»Not at all they are full of jests and gaiety«
»And Mason«
»He was laughing too«
»If all these people came in a body and spat at me what would you do
Jane«
»Turn them out of the room sir if I could«
He half smiled »But if I were to go to them and they only looked at me
coldly and whispered sneeringly amongst each other and then dropt off and left
me one by one what then Would you go with them«
»I rather think not sir I should have more pleasure in staying with you«
»To comfort me«
»Yes sir to comfort you as well as I could«
»And if they laid you under a ban for adhering to me«
»I probably should know nothing about their ban and if I did I should
care nothing about it«
»Then you could dare censure for my sake«
»I could dare it for the sake of any friend who deserved my adherence as
you I am sure do«
»Go back now into the room step quietly up to Mason and whisper in his ear
that Mr Rochester is come and wishes to see him show him in here and then
leave me«
»Yes sir«
I did his behest The company all stared at me as I passed straight among
them I sought Mr Mason delivered the message and preceded him from the room
I ushered him into the library and then I went up stairs
At a late hour after I had been in bed some time I heard the visitors
repair to their chambers I distinguished Mr Rochesters voice and heard him
say »This way Mason this is your room«
He spoke cheerfully the gay tones set my heart at ease I was soon asleep
Chapter XX
I had forgotten to draw my curtain which I usually did and also to let down my
windowblind The consequence was that when the moon which was full and bright
for the night was fine came in her course to that space in the sky opposite
my casement and looked in at me through the unveiled panes her glorious gaze
roused me Awaking in the dead of night I opened my eyes on her disk
silverwhite and crystalclear It was beautiful but too solemn I half rose
and stretched my arm to draw the curtain
Good God What a cry
The night its silence its rest was rent in twain by a savage a sharp
a shrilly sound that ran from end to end of ThornfieldHall
My pulse stopped my heart stood still my stretched arm was paralyzed The
cry died and was not renewed Indeed whatever being uttered that fearful
shriek could not soon repeat it not the widestwinged condor on the Andes
could twice in succession send out such a yell from the cloud shrouding his
eyrie The thing delivering such utterance must rest ere it could repeat the
effort
It came out of the third story for it passed overhead And overhead yes
in the room just above my chamberceiling I now heard a struggle a deadly one
it seemed from the noise and a halfsmothered voice shouted
»Help help help« three times rapidly
»Will no one come« it cried and then while the staggering and stamping
went on wildly I distinguished through plank and plaster
»Rochester Rochester for Gods sake come«
A chamberdoor opened some one ran or rushed along the gallery Another
step stamped on the flooring above and something fell and there was silence
I had put on some clothes though horror shook all my limbs I issued from
my apartment The sleepers were all aroused ejaculations terrified murmurs
sounded in every room door after door unclosed one looked out and another
looked out the gallery filled Gentlemen and ladies alike had quitted their
beds and »Oh what is it« »Who is hurt« »What has happened« »Fetch a
light« »Is it fire« »Are there robbers« »Where shall we run« was
demanded confusedly on all hands But for the moonlight they would have been in
complete darkness They ran to and fro they crowded together some sobbed some
stumbled the confusion was inextricable
»Where the devil is Rochester« cried Colonel Dent »I cannot find him in
his bed«
»Here here« was shouted in return »Be composed all of you Im coming«
And the door at the end of the gallery opened and Mr Rochester advanced
with a candle he had just descended from the upper story One of the ladies ran
to him directly she seized his arm it was Miss Ingram
»What awful event has taken place« said she »Speak let us know the worst
at once«
»But dont pull me down or strangle me« he replied for the Misses Eshton
were clinging about him now and the two dowagers in vast white wrappers were
bearing down on him like ships in full sail
»Alls right alls right« he cried »Its a mere rehearsal of Much Ado
About Nothing Ladies keep off or I shall wax dangerous«
And dangerous he looked his black eyes darted sparks Calming himself by an
effort he added
»A servant has had the nightmare that is all Shes an excitable nervous
person she construed her dream into an apparition or something of that sort
no doubt and has taken a fit with fright Now then I must see you all back
into your rooms for till the house is settled she cannot be looked after
Gentlemen have the goodness to set the ladies the example Miss Ingram I am
sure you will not fail in evincing superiority to idle terrors Amy and Louisa
return to your nests like a pair of doves as you are Mesdames« to the
dowagers »you will take cold to a dead certainty if you stay in this chill
gallery any longer«
And so by dint of alternate coaxing and commanding he contrived to get
them all once more enclosed in their separate dormitories I did not wait to be
ordered back to mine but retreated unnoticed as unnoticed I had left it
Not however to go to bed on the contrary I began and dressed myself
carefully The sounds I had heard after the scream and the words that had been
uttered had probably been heard only by me for they had proceeded from the
room above mine but they assured me that it was not a servants dream which had
thus struck horror through the house and that the explanation Mr Rochester had
given was merely an invention framed to pacify his guests I dressed then to
be ready for emergencies When dressed I sat a long time by the window looking
out over the silent grounds and silvered fields and waiting for I knew not
what It seemed to me that some event must follow the strange cry struggle and
call
No stillness returned each murmur and movement ceased gradually and in
about an hour Thornfield was again as hushed as a desert It seemed that sleep
and night had resumed their empire Meantime the moon declined she was about to
set Not liking to sit in the cold and darkness I thought I would lie down on
my bed dressed as I was I left the window and moved with little noise across
the carpet as I stooped to take off my shoes a cautious hand tapped low at the
door
»Am I wanted« I asked
»Are you up« asked the voice I expected to hear viz my masters
»Yes sir«
»And dressed«
»Yes«
»Come out then quietly«
I obeyed Mr Rochester stood in the gallery holding a light
»I want you« he said »come this way take your time and make no noise«
My slippers were thin I could walk the matted floor as softly as a cat He
glided up the gallery and up the stairs and stopped in the dark low corridor
of the fateful third story I had followed and stood at his side
»Have you a sponge in your room« he asked in a whisper
»Yes sir«
»Have you any salts volatile salts«
»Yes«
»Go back and fetch both«
I returned sought the sponge on the washstand the salts in my drawer and
once more retraced my steps He still waited he held a key in his hand
approaching one of the small black doors he put it in the lock he paused and
addressed me again
»You dont turn sick at the sight of blood«
»I think I shall not I have never been tried yet«
I felt a thrill while I answered him but no coldness and no faintness
»Just give me your hand« he said »it will not do to risk a fainting fit«
I put my fingers into his »Warm and steady« was his remark he turned the
key and opened the door
I saw a room I remembered to have seen before the day Mrs Fairfax showed
me over the house it was hung with tapestry but the tapestry was now looped up
in one part and there was a door apparent which had then been concealed This
door was open a light shone out of the room within I heard thence a snarling
snatching sound almost like a dog quarrelling Mr Rochester putting down his
candle said to me »wait a minute« and he went forward to the inner apartment
A shout of laughter greeted his entrance noisy at first and terminating in
Grace Pooles own goblin ha ha She then was there He made some sort of
arrangement without speaking though I heard a low voice address him he came
out and closed the door behind him
»Here Jane« he said and I walked round to the other side of a large bed
which with its drawn curtains concealed a considerable portion of the chamber
An easychair was near the bedhead a man sat in it dressed with the exception
of his coat he was still his head leant back his eyes were closed Mr
Rochester held the candle over him I recognised in his pale and seemingly
lifeless face the stranger Mason I saw too that his linen on one side and
one arm was almost soaked in blood
»Hold the candle« said Mr Rochester and I took it he fetched a basin of
water from the washstand »Hold that« said he I obeyed He took the sponge
dipped it in and moistened the corpselike face he asked for my
smellingbottle and applied it to the nostrils Mr Mason shortly unclosed his
eyes he groaned Mr Rochester opened the shirt of the wounded man whose arm
and shoulder were bandaged he sponged away blood trickling fast down
»Is there immediate danger« murmured Mr Mason
»Pooh No a mere scratch Dont be so overcome man bear up Ill fetch a
surgeon for you now myself youll be able to be removed by morning I hope
Jane « he continued
»Sir«
»I shall have to leave you in this room with this gentleman for an hour or
perhaps two hours you will sponge the blood as I do when it returns if he
feels faint you will put the glass of water on that stand to his lips and your
salts to his nose You will not speak to him on any pretext and Richard it
will be at the peril of your life if you speak to her open your lips agitate
yourself and Ill not answer for the consequences«
Again the poor man groaned he looked as if he dared not move fear either
of death or of something else appeared almost to paralyze him Mr Rochester
put the now bloody sponge into my hand and I proceeded to use it as he had
done He watched me a second then saying »Remember No conversation« he
left the room I experienced a strange feeling as the key grated in the lock
and the sound of his retreating step ceased to be heard
Here then I was in the third story fastened into one of its mystic cells
night around me a pale and bloody spectacle under my eyes and hands a
murderess hardly separated from me by a single door yes that was appalling
the rest I could bear but I shuddered at the thought of Grace Poole bursting
out upon me
I must keep to my post however I must watch this ghastly countenance
these blue still lips forbidden to unclose these eyes now shut now opening
now wandering through the room now fixing on me and ever glazed with the
dulness of horror I must dip my hand again and again in the basin of blood and
water and wipe away the trickling gore I must see the light of the unsnuffed
candle wane on my employment the shadows darken on the wrought antique
tapestry round me and grow black under the hangings of the vast old bed and
quiver strangely over the doors of a great cabinet opposite whose front
divided into twelve panels bore in grim design the heads of the twelve
apostles each inclosed in its separate panel as in a frame while above them at
the top rose an ebon crucifix and a dying Christ
According as the shifting obscurity and flickering gleam hovered here or
glanced there it was now the bearded physician Luke that bent his brow now
St Johns long hair that waved and anon the devilish face of Judas that grew
out of the panel and seemed gathering life and threatening a revelation of the
archtraitor of Satan himself in his subordinates form
Amidst all this I had to listen as well as watch to listen for the
movements of the wild beast or the fiend in yonder side den But since Mr
Rochesters visit it seemed spellbound all the night I heard but three sounds
at three long intervals a step creak a momentary renewal of the snarling
canine noise and a deep human groan
Then my own thoughts worried me What crime was this that lived incarnate
in this sequestered mansion and could neither be expelled nor subdued by the
owner What mystery that broke out now in fire and now in blood at the
deadest hours of night What creature was it that masked in an ordinary
womans face and shape uttered the voice now of a mocking demon and anon of a
carrionseeking bird of prey
And this man I bent over this commonplace quiet stranger how had he
become involved in the web of horror and why had the Fury flown at him What
made him seek this quarter of the house at an untimely season when he should
have been asleep in bed I had heard Mr Rochester assign him an apartment below
what brought him here And why now was he so tame under the violence or
treachery done him Why did he so quietly submit to the concealment Mr
Rochester enforced Why did Mr Rochester enforce this concealment His guest
had been outraged his own life on a former occasion had been hideously plotted
against and both attempts he smothered in secresy and sank in oblivion Lastly
I saw Mr Mason was submissive to Mr Rochester that the impetuous will of the
latter held complete sway over the inertness of the former the few words which
had passed between them assured me of this It was evident that in their former
intercourse the passive disposition of the one had been habitually influenced
by the active energy of the other whence then had arisen Mr Rochesters dismay
when he heard of Mr Masons arrival Why had the mere name of this unresisting
individual whom his word now sufficed to control like a child fallen on him
a few hours since as a thunderbolt might fall on an oak
Oh I could not forget his look and his paleness when he whispered »Jane I
have got a blow I have got a blow Jane« I could not forget how the arm had
trembled which he rested on my shoulder and it was no light matter which could
thus bow the resolute spirit and thrill the vigorous frame of Fairfax Rochester
»When will he come When will he come« I cried inwardly as the night
lingered and lingered as my bleeding patient drooped moaned sickened and
neither day nor aid arrived I had again and again held the water to Masons
white lips again and again offered him the stimulating salts my efforts seemed
ineffectual either bodily or mental suffering or loss of blood or all three
combined were fast prostrating his strength He moaned so and looked so weak
wild and lost I feared he was dying and I might not even speak to him
The candle wasted at last went out as it expired I perceived streaks of
grey light edging the window curtains dawn was then approaching Presently I
heard Pilot bark far below out of his distant kennel in the courtyard hope
revived Nor was it unwarranted in five minutes more the grating key the
yielding lock warned me my watch was relieved It could not have lasted more
than two hours many a week has seemed shorter
Mr Rochester entered and with him the surgeon he had been to fetch
»Now Carter be on the alert« he said to this last »I give you but half
an hour for dressing the wound fastening the bandages getting the patient down
stairs and all«
»But is he fit to move sir«
»No doubt of it it is nothing serious he is nervous his spirits must be
kept up Come set to work«
Mr Rochester drew back the thick curtain drew up the holland blind let in
all the daylight he could and I was surprised and cheered to see how far dawn
was advanced what rosy streaks were beginning to brighten the east Then he
approached Mason whom the surgeon was already handling
»Now my good fellow how are you« he asked
»Shes done for me I fear« was the faint reply
»Not a whit courage This day fortnight youll hardly be a pin the worse
of it youve lost a little blood thats all Carter assure him theres no
danger«
»I can do that conscientiously« said Carter who had now undone the
bandages »only I wish I could have got here sooner he would not have bled so
much but how is this The flesh on the shoulder is torn as well as cut This
wound was not done with a knife there have been teeth here«
»She bit me« he murmured »She worried me like a tigress when Rochester
got the knife from her«
»You should not have yielded you should have grappled with her at once«
said Mr Rochester
»But under such circumstances what could one do« returned Mason »Oh it
was frightful« he added shuddering »And I did not expect it she looked so
quiet at first«
»I warned you« was his friends answer »I said be on your guard when you
go near her Besides you might have waited till tomorrow and had me with you
it was mere folly to attempt the interview tonight and alone«
»I thought I could have done some good«
»You thought you thought Yes it makes me impatient to hear you but
however you have suffered and are likely to suffer enough for not taking my
advice so Ill say no more Carter hurry hurry The sun will soon rise
and I must have him off«
»Directly sir the shoulder is just bandaged I must look to this other
wound in the arm she has had her teeth here too I think«
»She sucked the blood she said shed drain my heart« said Mason
I saw Mr Rochester shudder a singularly marked expression of disgust
horror hatred warped his countenance almost to distortion but he only said
»Come be silent Richard and never mind her gibberish dont repeat it«
»I wish I could forget it« was the answer
»You will when you are out of the country when you get back to Spanish
Town you may think of her as dead and buried or rather you need not think of
her at all«
»Impossible to forget this night«
»It is not impossible have some energy man You thought you were as dead
as a herring two hours since and you are all alive and talking now There
Carter has done with you or nearly so Ill make you decent in a trice Jane«
he turned to me for the first time since his reentrance »take this key go
down into my bedroom and walk straight forward into my dressingroom open the
top drawer of the wardrobe and take out a clean shirt and neckhandkerchief
bring them here and be nimble«
I went sought the repository he had mentioned found the articles named
and returned with them
»Now« said he »go to the other side of the bed while I order his toilet
but dont leave the room you may be wanted again«
I retired as directed
»Was anybody stirring below when you went down Jane« inquired Mr
Rochester presently
»No sir all was very still«
»We shall get you off cannily Dick and it will be better both for your
sake and for that of the poor creature in yonder I have striven long to avoid
exposure and I should not like it to come at last Here Carter help him on
with his waistcoat Where did you leave your furred cloak You cant travel a
mile without that I know in this damned cold climate In your room Jane
run down to Mr Masons room the one next mine and fetch a cloak you will
see there«
Again I ran and again returned bearing an immense mantle lined and edged
with fur
»Now Ive another errand for you« said my untiring master »you must away
to my room again What a mercy you are shod with velvet Jane a clodhopping
messenger would never do at this juncture You must open the middle drawer of my
toilettable and take out a little phial and a little glass you will find there
quick«
I flew thither and back bringing the desired vessels
»Thats well Now doctor I shall take the liberty of administering a dose
myself on my own responsibility I got this cordial at Rome of an Italian
charlatan a fellow you would have kicked Carter It is not a thing to be used
indiscriminately but it is good upon occasion as now for instance Jane a
little water«
He held out the tiny glass and I half filled it from the water bottle on
the washstand
»That will do now wet the lip of the phial«
I did so he measured twelve drops of a crimson liquid and presented it to
Mason
»Drink Richard it will give you the heart you lack for an hour or so«
»But will it hurt me is it inflammatory«
»Drink drink drink«
Mr Mason obeyed because it was evidently useless to resist He was dressed
now he still looked pale but he was no longer gory and sullied Mr Rochester
let him sit three minutes after he had swallowed the liquid he then took his
arm
»Now I am sure you can get on your feet« he said »try«
The patient rose
»Carter take him under the other shoulder Be of good cheer Richard step
out thats it«
»I do feel better« remarked Mr Mason
»I am sure you do Now Jane trip on before us away to the backstairs
unbolt the sidepassage door and tell the driver of the postchaise you will
see in the yard or just outside for I told him not to drive his rattling
wheels over the pavement to be ready we are coming and Jane if any one is
about come to the foot of the stairs and hem«
It was by this time halfpast five and the sun was on the point of rising
but I found the kitchen still dark and silent The sidepassage door was
fastened I opened it with as little noise as possible all the yard was quiet
but the gates stood wide open and there was a postchaise with horses ready
harnessed and driver seated on the box stationed outside I approached him
and said the gentlemen were coming he nodded then I looked carefully round and
listened The stillness of early morning slumbered everywhere the curtains were
yet drawn over the servants chamber windows little birds were just twittering
in the blossomblanched orchard trees whose boughs drooped like white garlands
over the wall enclosing one side of the yard the carriage horses stamped from
time to time in their closed stables all else was still
The gentlemen now appeared Mason supported by Mr Rochester and the
surgeon seemed to walk with tolerable ease they assisted him into the chaise
Carter followed
»Take care of him« said Mr Rochester to the latter »and keep him at your
house till he is quite well I shall ride over in a day or two to see how he
gets on Richard how is it with you«
»The fresh air revives me Fairfax«
»Leave the window open on his side Carter there is no wind goodbye
Dick«
»Fairfax «
»Well what is it«
»Let her be taken care of let her be treated as tenderly as may be let her
« he stopped and burst into tears
»I do my best and have done it and will do it« was the answer he shut up
the chaise door and the vehicle drove away
»Yet would to God there was an end of all this« added Mr Rochester as he
closed and barred the heavy yardgates This done he moved with slow step and
abstracted air towards a door in the wall bordering the orchard I supposing
he had done with me prepared to return to the house again however I heard
him call »Jane« He had opened the portal and stood at it waiting for me
»Come where there is some freshness for a few moments« he said »that
house is a mere dungeon dont you feel it so«
»It seems to me a splendid mansion sir«
»The glamour of inexperience is over your eyes« he answered »and you see
it through a charmed medium you cannot discern that the gilding is slime and
the silk draperies cobwebs that the marble is sordid slate and the polished
woods mere refuse chips and scaly bark Now here he pointed to the leafy
enclosure we had entered all is real sweet and pure«
He strayed down a walk edged with box with apple trees pear trees and
cherry trees on one side and a border on the other full of all sorts of
oldfashioned flowers stocks sweetwilliams primroses pansies mingled with
southern wood sweetbriar and various fragrant herbs They were fresh now as a
succession of April showers and gleams followed by a lovely spring morning
could make them the sun was just entering the dappled east and his light
illumined the wreathed and dewy orchard trees and shone down the quiet walks
under them
»Jane will you have a flower«
He gathered a halfblown rose the first on the bush and offered it to me
»Thank you sir«
»Do you like this sunrise Jane That sky with its high and light clouds
which are sure to melt away as the day waxes warm this placid and balmy
atmosphere«
»I do very much«
»You have passed a strange night Jane«
»Yes sir«
»And it has made you look pale were you afraid when I left you alone with
Mason«
»I was afraid of some one coming out of the inner room«
»But I had fastened the door I had the key in my pocket I should have
been a careless shepherd if I had left a lamb my pet lamb so near a wolfs
den unguarded you were safe«
»Will Grace Poole live here still sir«
»Oh yes dont trouble your head about her put the thing out of your
thoughts«
»Yet it seems to me your life is hardly secure while she stays«
»Never fear I will take care of myself«
»Is the danger you apprehended last night gone by now sir«
»I cannot vouch for that till Mason is out of England nor even then To
live for me Jane is to stand on a cratercrust which may crack and spue fire
any day«
»But Mr Mason seems a man easily led Your influence sir is evidently
potent with him he will never set you at defiance or wilfully injure you«
»Oh no Mason will not defy me nor knowing it will he hurt me but
unintentionally he might in a moment by one careless word deprive me if not
of life yet for ever of happiness«
»Tell him to be cautious sir let him know what you fear and show him how
to avert the danger«
He laughed sardonically hastily took my hand and as hastily threw it from
him
»If I could do that simpleton where would the danger be Annihilated in a
moment Ever since I have known Mason I have only had to say to him Do that
and the thing has been done But I cannot give him orders in this case I cannot
say Beware of harming me Richard for it is imperative that I should keep him
ignorant that harm to me is possible Now you look puzzled and I will puzzle
you farther You are my little friend are you not«
»I like to serve you sir and to obey you in all that is right«
»Precisely I see you do I see genuine contentment in your gait and mien
your eye and face when you are helping me and pleasing me working for me and
with me in as you characteristically say all that is right for if I bid you
do what you thought wrong there would be no lightfooted running no
neathanded alacrity no lively glance and animated complexion My friend would
then turn to me quiet and pale and would say No sir that is impossible I
cannot do it because it is wrong and would become immutable as a fixed star
Well you too have power over me and may injure me yet I dare not show you
where I am vulnerable lest faithful and friendly as you are you should
transfix me at once«
»If you have no more to fear from Mr Mason than you have from me sir you
are very safe«
»God grant it may be so Here Jane is an arbour sit down«
The arbour was an arch in the wall lined with ivy it contained a rustic
seat Mr Rochester took it leaving room however for me but I stood before
him
»Sit« he said »the bench is long enough for two You dont hesitate to
take a place at my side do you Is that wrong Jane«
I answered him by assuming it to refuse would I felt have been unwise
»Now my little friend while the sun drinks the dew while all the flowers
in this old garden awake and expand and the birds fetch their young ones
breakfast out of the Thornfield and the early bees do their first spell of
work Ill put a case to you which you must endeavour to suppose your own but
first look at me and tell me you are at ease and not fearing that I err in
detaining you or that you err in staying«
»No sir I am content«
»Well then Jane call to aid your fancy suppose you were no longer a
girl well reared and disciplined but a wild boy indulged from childhood
upwards imagine yourself in a remote foreign land conceive that you there
commit a capital error no matter of what nature or from what motives but one
whose consequences must follow you through life and taint all your existence
Mind I dont say a crime I am not speaking of shedding of blood or any other
guilty act which might make the perpetrator amenable to the law my word is
error The results of what you have done become in time to you utterly
insupportable you take measures to obtain relief unusual measures but neither
unlawful nor culpable Still you are miserable for hope has quitted you on the
very confines of life your sun at noon darkens in an eclipse which you feel
will not leave it till the time of setting Bitter and base associations have
become the sole food of your memory you wander here and there seeking rest in
exile happiness in pleasure I mean in heartless sensual pleasure such as
dulls intellect and blights feeling Heartweary and soulwithered you come
home after years of voluntary banishment you make a new acquaintance how or
where no matter you find in this stranger much of the good and bright qualities
which you have sought for twenty years and never before encountered and they
are all fresh healthy without soil and without taint Such society revives
regenerates you feel better days come back higher wishes purer feelings you
desire to recommence your life and to spend what remains to you of days in a
way more worthy of an immortal being To attain this end are you justified in
overleaping an obstacle of custom a mere conventional impediment which
neither your conscience sanctifies nor your judgment approves«
He paused for an answer and what was I to say Oh for some good spirit to
suggest a judicious and satisfactory response Vain aspiration The west wind
whispered in the ivy round me but no gentle Ariel borrowed its breath as a
medium of speech the birds sang in the treetops but their song however
sweet was inarticulate
Again Mr Rochester propounded his query
»Is the wandering and sinful but now restseeking and repentant man
justified in daring the worlds opinion in order to attach to him for ever
this gentle gracious genial stranger thereby securing his own peace of mind
and regeneration of life«
»Sir« I answered »a Wanderers repose or a Sinners reformation should
never depend on a fellowcreature Men and women die philosophers falter in
wisdom and Christians in goodness if any one you know has suffered and erred
let him look higher than his equals for strength to amend and solace to heal«
»But the instrument the instrument God who does the work ordains the
instrument I have myself I tell it you without parable been a worldly
dissipated restless man and I believe I have found the instrument for my cure
in «
He paused the birds went on carolling the leaves lightly rustling I
almost wondered they did not check their songs and whispers to catch the
suspended revelation but they would have had to wait many minutes so long was
the silence protracted At last I looked up at the tardy speaker he was looking
eagerly at me
»Little friend« said he in quite a changed tone while his face changed
too losing all its softness and gravity and becoming harsh and sarcastic
»you have noticed my tender penchant for Miss Ingram dont you think if I
married her she would regenerate me with a vengeance«
He got up instantly went quite to the other end of the walk and when he
came back he was humming a tune
»Jane Jane« said he stopping before me »you are quite pale with your
vigils dont you curse me for disturbing your rest«
»Curse you No sir«
»Shake hands in confirmation of the word What cold fingers They were
warmer last night when I touched them at the door of the mysterious chamber
Jane when will you watch with me again«
»Whenever I can be useful sir«
»For instance the night before I am married I am sure I shall not be able
to sleep Will you promise to sit up with me to bear me company To you I can
talk of my lovely one for now you have seen her and know her«
»Yes sir«
»Shes a rare one is she not Jane«
»Yes sir«
»A strapper a real strapper Jane big brown and buxom with hair just
such as the ladies of Carthage must have had Bless me theres Dent and Lynn in
the stables Go in by the shrubbery through that wicket«
As I went one way he went another and I heard him in the yard saying
cheeringly
»Mason got the start of you all this morning he was gone before sunrise I
rose at four to see him off«
Chapter XXI
Presentiments are strange things and so are sympathies and so are signs and
the three combined make one mystery to which humanity has not yet found the key
I never laughed at presentiments in my life because I have had strange ones of
my own Sympathies I believe exist for instance between fardistant
longabsent wholly estranged relatives asserting notwithstanding their
alienation the unity of the source to which each traces his origin whose
workings baffle mortal comprehension And signs for aught we know may be but
the sympathies of Nature with man
When I was a little girl only six years old I one night heard Bessie
Leaven say to Martha Abbott that she had been dreaming about a little child and
that to dream of children was a sure sign of trouble either to ones self or
ones kin The saying might have worn out of my memory had not a circumstance
immediately followed which served indelibly to fix it there The next day Bessie
was sent for home to the deathbed of her little sister
Of late I had often recalled this saying and this incident for during the
past week scarcely a night had gone over my couch that had not brought with it a
dream of an infant which I sometimes hushed in my arms sometimes dandled on my
knee sometimes watched playing with daisies on a lawn or again dabbling its
hands in running water It was a wailing child this night and a laughing one
the next now it nestled close to me and now it ran from me but whatever mood
the apparition evinced whatever aspect it wore it failed not for seven
successive nights to meet me the moment I entered the land of slumber
I did not like this iteration of one idea this strange recurrence of one
image and I grew nervous as bedtime approached and the hour of the vision
drew near It was from companionship with this babyphantom I had been roused on
that moonlight night when I heard the cry and it was on the afternoon of the
day following I was summoned down stairs by a message that some one wanted me in
Mrs Fairfaxs room On repairing thither I found a man waiting for me having
the appearance of a gentlemans servant he was dressed in deep mourning and
the hat he held in his hand was surrounded with a crape band
»I daresay you hardly remember me Miss« he said rising as I entered »but
my name is Leaven I lived coachman with Mrs Reed when you were at Gateshead
eight or nine years since and I live there still«
»Oh Robert how do you do I remember you very well you used to give me a
ride sometimes on Miss Georgianas bay pony And how is Bessie You are married
to Bessie«
»Yes Miss my wife is very hearty thank you she brought me another little
one about two months since we have three now and both mother and child are
thriving«
»And are the family well at the House Robert«
»I am sorry I cant give you better news of them Miss they are very badly
at present in great trouble«
»I hope no one is dead« I said glancing at his black dress He too looked
down at the crape round his hat and replied
»Mr John died yesterday was a week at his chambers in London«
»Mr John«
»Yes«
»And how does his mother bear it«
»Why you see Miss Eyre it is not a common mishap his life has been very
wild these last three years he gave himself up to strange ways and his death
was shocking«
»I heard from Bessie he was not doing well«
»Doing well He could not do worse he ruined his health and his estate
amongst the worst men and the worst women He got into debt and into jail his
mother helped him out twice but as soon as he was free he returned to his old
companions and habits His head was not strong the knaves he lived amongst
fooled him beyond anything I ever heard He came down to Gateshead about three
weeks ago and wanted Missis to give up all to him Missis refused her means
have long been much reduced by his extravagance so he went back again and the
next news was that he was dead How he died God knows they say he killed
himself«
I was silent the tidings were frightful Robert Leaven resumed
»Missis had been out of health herself for some time she had got very
stout but was not strong with it and the loss of money and fear of poverty
were quite breaking her down The information about Mr Johns death and the
manner of it came too suddenly it brought on a stroke She was three days
without speaking but last Tuesday she seemed rather better she appeared as if
she wanted to say something and kept making signs to my wife and mumbling It
was only yesterday morning however that Bessie understood she was pronouncing
your name and at last she made out the words Bring Jane fetch Jane Eyre I
want to speak to her Bessie is not sure whether she is in her right mind or
means anything by the words but she told Miss Reed and Miss Georgiana and
advised them to send for you The young ladies put it off at first but their
mother grew so restless and said Jane Jane so many times that at last they
consented I left Gateshead yesterday and if you can get ready Miss I should
like to take you back with me early tomorrow morning«
»Yes Robert I shall be ready it seems to me that I ought to go«
»I think so too Miss Bessie said she was sure you would not refuse but I
suppose you will have to ask leave before you can get off«
»Yes and I will do it now« and having directed him to the servants hall
and recommended him to the care of Johns wife and the attentions of John
himself I went in search of Mr Rochester
He was not in any of the lower rooms he was not in the yard the stables
or the grounds I asked Mrs Fairfax if she had seen him yes she believed he
was playing billiards with Miss Ingram To the billiardroom I hastened the
click of balls and the hum of voices resounded thence Mr Rochester Miss
Ingram the two Misses Eshton and their admirers were all busied in the game
It required some courage to disturb so interesting a party my errand however
was one I could not defer so I approached the master where he stood at Miss
Ingrams side She turned as I drew near and looked at me haughtily her eyes
seemed to demand »What can the creeping creature want now« and when I said in
a low voice »Mr Rochester« she made a movement as if tempted to order me
away I remember her appearance at the moment it was very graceful and very
striking she wore a morning robe of skyblue crape a gauzy azure scarf was
twisted in her hair She had been all animation with the game and irritated
pride did not lower the expression of her haughty lineaments
»Does that person want you« she inquired of Mr Rochester and Mr
Rochester turned to see who the person was He made a curious grimace one of
his strange and equivocal demonstrations threw down his cue and followed me
from the room
»Well Jane« he said as he rested his back against the schoolroom door
which he had shut
»If you please sir I want leave of absence for a week or two«
»What to do Where to go«
»To see a sick lady who has sent for me«
»What sick lady Where does she live«
»At Gateshead in shire«
»shire That is a hundred miles off Who may she be that sends for people
to see her that distance«
»Her name is Reed sir Mrs Reed«
»Reed of Gateshead There was a Reed of Gateshead a magistrate«
»It is his widow sir«
»And what have you to do with her How do you know her«
»Mr Reed was my uncle my mothers brother«
»The deuce he was You never told me that before you always said you had no
relations«
»None that would own me sir Mr Reed is dead and his wife cast me off«
»Why«
»Because I was poor and burdensome and she disliked me«
»But Reed left children you must have cousins Sir George Lynn was
talking of a Reed of Gateshead yesterday who he said was one of the veriest
rascals on town and Ingram was mentioning a Georgiana Reed of the same place
who was much admired for her beauty a season or two ago in London«
»John Reed is dead too sir he ruined himself and halfruined his family
and is supposed to have committed suicide The news so shocked his mother that
it brought on an apoplectic attack«
»And what good can you do her Nonsense Jane I would never think of
running a hundred miles to see an old lady who will perhaps be dead before you
reach her besides you say she cast you off«
»Yes sir but that is long ago and when her circumstances were very
different I could not be easy to neglect her wishes now«
»How long will you stay«
»As short a time as possible sir«
»Promise me only to stay a week «
»I had better not pass my word I might be obliged to break it«
»At all events you will come back you will not be induced under any pretext
to take up a permanent residence with her«
»Oh no I shall certainly return if all be well«
»And who goes with you You dont travel a hundred miles alone«
»No sir she has sent her coachman«
»A person to be trusted«
»Yes sir he has lived ten years in the family«
Mr Rochester meditated »When do you wish to go«
»Early tomorrow morning sir«
»Well you must have some money you cant travel without money and I dare
say you have not much I have given you no salary yet How much have you in the
world Jane« he asked smiling
I drew out my purse a meagre thing it was »Five shillings sir« He took
the purse poured the hoard into his palm and chuckled over it as if its
scantiness pleased him Soon he produced his pocketbook »Here« said he
offering me a note it was fifty pounds and he owed me but fifteen I told him
I had no change
»I dont want change you know that Take your wages«
I declined accepting more than was my due He scowled at first then as if
recollecting something he said
»Right right Better not give you all now you would perhaps stay away
three months if you had fifty pounds There are ten is it not plenty«
»Yes sir but now you owe me five«
»Come back for it then I am your banker for forty pounds«
»Mr Rochester I may as well mention another matter of business to you
while I have the opportunity«
»Matter of business Im curious to hear it«
»You have as good as informed me sir that you are going shortly to be
married«
»Yes what then«
»In that case sir Adèle ought to go to school I am sure you will perceive
the necessity of it«
»To get her out of my brides way who might otherwise walk over her rather
too emphatically Theres sense in the suggestion not a doubt of it Adèle as
you say must go to school and you of course must march straight to the
devil«
»I hope not sir but I must seek another situation somewhere«
»In course« he exclaimed with a twang of voice and a distortion of
features equally fantastic and ludicrous He looked at me some minutes
»And old Madam Reed or the Misses her daughters will be solicited by you
to seek a place I suppose«
»No sir I am not on such terms with my relatives as would justify me in
asking favours of them but I shall advertise«
»You shall walk up the pyramids of Egypt« he growled »At your peril you
advertise I wish I had only offered you a sovereign instead of ten pounds Give
me back nine pounds Jane Ive a use for it«
»And so have I sir« I returned putting my hands and my purse behind me
»I could not spare the money on any account«
»Little niggard« said he »refusing me a pecuniary request Give me five
pounds Jane«
»Not five shillings sir nor five pence«
»Just let me look at the cash«
»No sir you are not to be trusted«
»Jane«
»Sir«
»Promise me one thing«
»Ill promise you anything sir that I think I am likely to perform«
»Not to advertise and to trust this quest of a situation to me Ill find
you one in time«
»I shall be glad so to do sir if you in your turn will promise that I
and Adèle shall be both safe out of the house before your bride enters it«
»Very well very well Ill pledge my word on it You go tomorrow then«
»Yes sir early«
»Shall you come down to the drawingroom after dinner«
»No sir I must prepare for the journey«
»Then you and I must bid goodbye for a little while«
»I suppose so sir«
»And how do people perform that ceremony of parting Jane Teach me Im not
quite up to it«
»They say Farewell or any other form they prefer«
»Then say it«
»Farewell Mr Rochester for the present«
»What must I say«
»The same if you like sir«
»Farewell Miss Eyre for the present is that all«
»Yes«
»It seems stingy to my notions and dry and unfriendly I should like
something else a little addition to the rite If one shook hands for instance
but no that would not content me either So youll do no more than say
Farewell Jane«
»It is enough sir as much goodwill may be conveyed in one hearty word as
in many«
»Very likely but it is blank and cool farewell«
»How long is he going to stand with his back against that door« I asked
myself »I want to commence my packing« The dinnerbell rang and suddenly away
he bolted without another syllable I saw him no more during the day and was
off before he had risen in the morning
I reached the lodge at Gateshead about five oclock in the afternoon of the
first of May I stepped in there before going up to the hall It was very clean
and neat the ornamental windows were hung with little white curtains the floor
was spotless the grate and fireirons were burnished bright and the fire burnt
clear Bessie sat on the hearth nursing her lastborn and Robert and his
sister played quietly in a corner
»Bless you I knew you would come« exclaimed Mrs Leaven as I entered
»Yes Bessie« said I after I had kissed her »and I trust I am not too
late How is Mrs Reed Alive still I hope«
»Yes she is alive and more sensible and collected than she was The doctor
says she may linger a week or two yet but he hardly thinks she will finally
recover«
»Has she mentioned me lately«
»She was talking of you only this morning and wishing you would come but
she is sleeping now or was ten minutes ago when I was up at the house She
generally lies in a kind of lethargy all the afternoon and wakes up about six
or seven Will you rest yourself here an hour Miss and then I will go up with
you«
Robert here entered and Bessie laid her sleeping child in the cradle and
went to welcome him afterwards she insisted on my taking off my bonnet and
having some tea for she said I looked pale and tired I was glad to accept her
hospitality and I submitted to be relieved of my travelling garb just as
passively as I used to let her undress me when a child
Old times crowded fast back on me as I watched her bustling about setting
out the teatray with her best china cutting bread and butter toasting a
teacake and between whiles giving little Robert or Jane an occasional tap or
push just as she used to give me in former days Bessie had retained her quick
temper as well as her light foot and good looks
Tea ready I was going to approach the table but she desired me to sit
still quite in her old peremptory tones I must be served at the fireside
she said and she placed before me a little round stand with my cup and a plate
of toast absolutely as she used to accommodate me with some privately purloined
dainty on a nursery chair and I smiled and obeyed her as in bygone days
She wanted to know if I was happy at ThornfieldHall and what sort of a
person the mistress was and when I told her there was only a master whether he
was a nice gentleman and if I liked him I told her he was rather an ugly man
but quite a gentleman and that he treated me kindly and I was content Then I
went on to describe to her the gay company that had lately been staying at the
house and to these details Bessie listened with interest they were precisely
of the kind she relished
In such conversation an hour was soon gone Bessie restored to me my bonnet
etc and accompanied by her I quitted the lodge for the hall It was also
accompanied by her that I had nearly nine years ago walked down the path I was
now ascending On a dark misty raw morning in January I had left a hostile
roof with a desperate and embittered heart a sense of outlawry and almost of
reprobation to seek the chilly harbourage of Lowood that bourne so far away
and unexplored The same hostile roof now again rose before me my prospects
were doubtful yet and I had yet an aching heart I still felt as a wanderer on
the face of the earth but I experienced firmer trust in myself and my own
powers and less withering dread of oppression The gaping wound of my wrongs
too was now quite healed and the flame of resentment extinguished
»You shall go into the breakfastroom first« said Bessie as she preceded
me through the hall »the young ladies will be there«
In another moment I was within that apartment There was every article of
furniture looking just as it did on the morning I was first introduced to Mr
Brocklehurst the very rug he had stood upon still covered the hearth Glancing
at the bookcases I thought I could distinguish the two volumes of Bewicks
British Birds occupying their old place on the third shelf and Gullivers
Travels and the Arabian Nights ranged just above The inanimate objects were not
changed but the living things had altered past recognition
Two young ladies appeared before me one very tall almost as tall as Miss
Ingram very thin too with a sallow face and severe mien There was something
ascetic in her look which was augmented by the extreme plainness of a
straightskirted black stuff dress a starched linen collar hair combed away
from the temples and the nunlike ornament of a string of ebony beads and a
crucifix This I felt sure was Eliza though I could trace little resemblance to
her former self in that elongated and colourless visage
The other was as certainly Georgiana but not the Georgiana I remembered
the slim and fairylike girl of eleven This was a fullblown very plump
damsel fair as waxwork with handsome and regular features languishing blue
eyes and ringleted yellow hair The hue of her dress was black too but its
fashion was so different from her sisters so much more flowing and becoming
it looked as stylish as the others looked puritanical
In each of the sisters there was one trait of the mother and only one the
thin and pallid elder daughter had her parents Cairngorm eye the blooming and
luxuriant younger girl had her contour of jaw and chin perhaps a little
softened but still imparting an indescribable hardness to the countenance
otherwise so voluptuous and buxom
Both ladies as I advanced rose to welcome me and both addressed me by the
name of Miss Eyre Elizas greeting was delivered in a short abrupt voice
without a smile and then she sat down again fixed her eyes on the fire and
seemed to forget me Georgiana added to her »How dye do« several commonplaces
about my journey the weather and so on uttered in rather a drawling tone and
accompanied by sundry sideglances that measured me from head to foot now
traversing the folds of my drab merino pelisse and now lingering on the plain
trimming of my cottage bonnet Young ladies have a remarkable way of letting you
know that they think you a quiz without actually saying the words A certain
superciliousness of look coolness of manner nonchalance of tone express fully
their sentiments on the point without committing them by any positive rudeness
in word or deed
A sneer however whether covert or open had now no longer that power over
me it once possessed as I sat between my cousins I was surprised to find how
easy I felt under the total neglect of the one and the semisarcastic attentions
of the other Eliza did not mortify nor Georgiana ruffle me The fact was I
had other things to think about within the last few months feelings had been
stirred in me so much more potent than any they could raise pains and
pleasures so much more acute and exquisite had been excited than any it was in
their power to inflict or bestow that their airs gave me no concern either for
good or bad
»How is Mrs Reed« I asked soon looking calmly at Georgiana who thought
fit to bridle at the direct address as if it were an unexpected liberty
»Mrs Reed Ah mama you mean she is extremely poorly I doubt if you can
see her tonight«
»If« said I »you would just step up stairs and tell her I am come I
should be much obliged to you«
Georgiana almost started and she opened her blue eyes wild and wide »I
know she had a particular wish to see me« I added »and I would not defer
attending to her desire longer than is absolutely necessary«
»Mama dislikes being disturbed in an evening« remarked Eliza I soon rose
quietly took off my bonnet and gloves uninvited and said I would just step out
to Bessie who was I dared say in the kitchen and ask her to ascertain
whether Mrs Reed was disposed to receive me or not tonight I went and having
found Bessie and despatched her on my errand I proceeded to take further
measures It had heretofore been my habit always to shrink from arrogance
received as I had been today I should a year ago have resolved to quit
Gateshead the very next morning now it was disclosed to me all at once that
that would be a foolish plan I had taken a journey of a hundred miles to see my
aunt and I must stay with her till she was better or dead as to her
daughters pride or folly I must put it on one side make myself independent of
it So I addressed the housekeeper asked her to show me a room told her I
should probably be a visitor here for a week or two had my trunk conveyed to my
chamber and followed it thither myself I met Bessie on the landing
»Missis is awake« said she »I have told her you are here come and let us
see if she will know you«
I did not need to be guided to the wellknown room to which I had so often
been summoned for chastisement or reprimand in former days I hastened before
Bessie I softly opened the door a shaded light stood on the table for it was
now getting dark There was the great fourpost bed with amber hangings as of
old there the toilettable the armchair and the footstool at which I had a
hundred times been sentenced to kneel to ask pardon for offences by me
uncommitted I looked into a certain corner near halfexpecting to see the slim
outline of a oncedreaded switch which used to lurk there waiting to leap out
implike and lace my quivering palm or shrinking neck I approached the bed I
opened the curtains and leant over the highpiled pillows
Well did I remember Mrs Reeds face and I eagerly sought the familiar
image It is a happy thing that time quells the longings of vengeance and
hushes the promptings of rage and aversion I had left this woman in bitterness
and hate and I came back to her now with no other emotion than a sort of ruth
for her great sufferings and a strong yearning to forget and forgive all
injuries to be reconciled and clasp hands in amity
The wellknown face was there stern relentless as ever there was that
peculiar eye which nothing could melt and the somewhat raised imperious
despotic eyebrow How often had it lowered on me menace and hate and how the
recollection of childhoods terrors and sorrows revived as I traced its harsh
line now And yet I stooped down and kissed her she looked at me
»Is this Jane Eyre« she said
»Yes aunt Reed How are you dear aunt«
I had once vowed that I would never call her aunt again I thought it no sin
to forget and break that vow now My fingers had fastened on her hand which lay
outside the sheet had she pressed mine kindly I should at that moment have
experienced true pleasure But unimpressionable natures are not so soon
softened nor are natural antipathies so readily eradicated Mrs Reed took her
hand away and turning her face rather from me she remarked that the night was
warm Again she regarded me so icily I felt at once that her opinion of me
her feeling towards me was unchanged and unchangeable I knew by her stony
eye opaque to tenderness indissoluble to tears that she was resolved to
consider me bad to the last because to believe me good would give her no
generous pleasure only a sense of mortification
I felt pain and then I felt ire and then I felt a determination to subdue
her to be her mistress in spite both of her nature and her will My tears had
risen just as in childhood I ordered them back to their source I brought a
chair to the bedhead I sat down and leaned over the pillow
»You sent for me« I said »and I am here and it is my intention to stay
till I see how you get on«
»Oh of course You have seen my daughters«
»Yes«
»Well you may tell them I wish you to stay till I can talk some things
over with you I have on my mind tonight it is too late and I have a
difficulty in recalling them But there was something I wished to say let me
see « The wandering look and changed utterance told what wreck had taken place
in her oncevigorous frame Turning restlessly she drew the bedclothes round
her my elbow resting on a corner of the quilt fixed it down she was at once
irritated
»Sit up« said she »dont annoy me with holding the clothes fast are you
Jane Eyre«
»I am Jane Eyre«
»I have had more trouble with that child than any one would believe Such a
burden to be left on my hands and so much annoyance as she caused me daily
and hourly with her incomprehensible disposition and her sudden starts of
temper and her continual unnatural watchings of ones movements I declare she
talked to me once like something mad or like a fiend no child ever spoke or
looked as she did I was glad to get her away from the house What did they do
with her at Lowood The fever broke out there and many of the pupils died She
however did not die but I said she did I wish she had died«
»A strange wish Mrs Reed why do you hate her so«
»I had a dislike to her mother always for she was my husbands only sister
and a great favourite with him he opposed the familys disowning her when she
made her low marriage and when news came of her death he wept like a
simpleton He would send for the baby though I entreated him rather to put it
out to nurse and pay for its maintenance I hated it the first time I set my
eyes on it a sickly whining pining thing It would wail in its cradle all
night long not screaming heartily like any other child but whimpering and
moaning Reed pitied it and he used to nurse it and notice it as if it had been
his own more indeed than he ever noticed his own at that age He would try to
make my children friendly to the little beggar the darlings could not bear it
and he was angry with them when they showed their dislike In his last illness
he had it brought continually to his bedside and but an hour before he died he
bound me by vow to keep the creature I would as soon have been charged with a
pauper brat out of a workhouse but he was weak naturally weak John does not
at all resemble his father and I am glad of it John is like me and like my
brothers he is quite a Gibson Oh I wish he would cease tormenting me with
letters for money I have no more money to give him we are getting poor I must
send away half the servants and shut up part of the house or let it off I can
never submit to do that yet how are we to get on Twothirds of my income goes
in paying the interest of mortgages John gambles dreadfully and always loses
poor boy He is beset by sharpers John is sunk and degraded his look is
frightful I feel ashamed for him when I see him«
She was getting much excited »I think I had better leave her now« said I
to Bessie who stood on the other side of the bed
»Perhaps you had Miss but she often talks in this way towards night in
the morning she is calmer«
I rose »Stop« exclaimed Mrs Reed »There is another thing I wished to
say He threatens me he continually threatens me with his own death or mine
and I dream sometimes that I see him laid out with a great wound in his throat
or with a swollen and blackened face I am come to a strange pass I have heavy
troubles What is to be done How is the money to be had«
Bessie now endeavoured to persuade her to take a sedative draught she
succeeded with difficulty Soon after Mrs Reed grew more composed and sank
into a dozing state I then left her
More than ten days elapsed before I had again any conversation with her She
continued either delirious or lethargic and the doctor forbade everything which
could painfully excite her Meantime I got on as well as I could with Georgiana
and Eliza They were very cold indeed at first Eliza would sit half the day
sewing reading or writing and scarcely utter a word either to me or her
sister Georgiana would chatter nonsense to her canary bird by the hour and
take no notice of me But I was determined not to seem at a loss for occupation
or amusement I had brought my drawing materials with me and they served me for
both
Provided with a case of pencils and some sheets of paper I used to take a
seat apart from them near the window and busy myself in sketching fancy
vignettes representing any scene that happened momentarily to shape itself in
the evershifting kaleidoscope of imagination a glimpse of sea between two
rocks the rising moon and a ship crossing its disk a group of reeds and
waterflags and a naiads head crowned with lotusflowers rising out of them
an elf sitting in a hedgesparrows nest under a wreath of hawthornbloom
One morning I fell to sketching a face what sort of a face it was to be I
did not care or know I took a soft black pencil gave it a broad point and
worked away Soon I had traced on the paper a broad and prominent forehead and
a square lower outline of visage that contour gave me pleasure my fingers
proceeded actively to fill it with features Stronglymarked horizontal eyebrows
must be traced under that brow then followed naturally a welldefined nose
with a straight ridge and full nostrils then a flexiblelooking mouth by no
means narrow then a firm chin with a decided cleft down the middle of it of
course some black whiskers were wanted and some jetty hair tufted on the
temples and waved above the forehead Now for the eyes I had left them to the
last because they required the most careful working I drew them large I
shaped them well the eyelashes I traced long and sombre the irids lustrous and
large »Good but not quite the thing« I thought as I surveyed the effect
»They want more force and spirit« and I wrought the shades blacker that the
lights might flash more brilliantly a happy touch or two secured success
There I had a friends face under my gaze and what did it signify that those
young ladies turned their backs on me I looked at it I smiled at the speaking
likeness I was absorbed and content
»Is that a portrait of some one you know« asked Eliza who had approached
me unnoticed I responded that it was merely a fancy head and hurried it
beneath the other sheets Of course I lied it was in fact a very faithful
representation of Mr Rochester But what was that to her or to any one but
myself Georgiana also advanced to look The other drawings pleased her much
but she called that an ugly man They both seemed surprised at my skill I
offered to sketch their portraits and each in turn sat for a pencil outline
Then Georgiana produced her album I promised to contribute a watercolour
drawing this put her at once into good humour She proposed a walk in the
grounds Before we had been out two hours we were deep in a confidential
conversation she had favoured me with a description of the brilliant winter she
had spent in London two seasons ago of the admiration she had there excited
the attention she had received and I even got hints of the titled conquest she
had made In the course of the afternoon and evening these hints were enlarged
on various soft conversations were reported and sentimental scenes
represented and in short a volume of a novel of fashionable life was that day
improvised by her for my benefit The communications were renewed from day to
day they always ran on the same theme herself her loves and woes It was
strange she never once adverted either to her mothers illness or her brothers
death or the present gloomy state of the family prospects Her mind seemed
wholly taken up with reminiscences of past gaiety and aspirations after
dissipations to come She passed about five minutes each day in her mothers
sickroom and no more
Eliza still spoke little she had evidently no time to talk I never saw a
busier person than she seemed to be yet it was difficult to say what she did
or rather to discover any result of her diligence She had an alarum to call
her up early I know not how she occupied herself before breakfast but after
that meal she divided her time into regular portions and each hour had its
allotted task Three times a day she studied a little book which I found on
inspection was a Common Prayer Book I asked her once what was the great
attraction of that volume and she said »the Rubric« Three hours she gave to
stitching with gold thread the border of a square crimson cloth almost large
enough for a carpet In answer to my inquiries after the use of this article
she informed me it was a covering for the altar of a new church lately erected
near Gateshead Two hours she devoted to her diary two to working by herself in
the kitchengarden and one to the regulation of her accounts She seemed to
want no company no conversation I believe she was happy in her way this
routine sufficed to her and nothing annoyed her so much as the occurrence of
any incident which forced her to vary its clockwork regularity
She told me one evening when more disposed to be communicative than usual
that Johns conduct and the threatened ruin of the family had been a source of
profound affliction to her but she had now she said settled her mind and
formed her resolution Her own fortune she had taken care to secure and when
her mother died and it was wholly improbable she tranquilly remarked that
she should either recover or linger long she would execute a longcherished
project seek a retirement where punctual habits would be permanently secured
from disturbance and place safe barriers between herself and a frivolous world
I asked if Georgiana would accompany her
»Of course not Georgiana and she had nothing in common they never had had
She would not be burdened with her society for any consideration Georgiana
should take her own course and she Eliza would take hers«
Georgiana when not unburdening her heart to me spent most of her time in
lying on the sofa fretting about the dulness of the house and wishing over and
over again that her aunt Gibson would send her an invitation up to town »It
would be so much better« she said »if she could only get out of the way for a
month or two till all was over« I did not ask what she meant by »all being
over« but I suppose she referred to the expected decease of her mother and the
gloomy sequel of funeral rites Eliza generally took no more notice of her
sisters indolence and complaints than if no such murmuring lounging object had
been before her One day however as she put away her accountbook and
unfolded her embroidery she suddenly took her up thus
»Georgiana a more vain and absurd animal than you was certainly never
allowed to cumber the earth You had no right to be born for you make no use of
life Instead of living for in and with yourself as a reasonable being ought
you seek only to fasten your feebleness on some other persons strength if no
one can be found willing to burden her or himself with such a fat weak puffy
useless thing you cry out that you are illtreated neglected miserable Then
too existence for you must be a scene of continual change and excitement or
else the world is a dungeon you must be admired you must be courted you must
be flattered you must have music dancing and society or you languish you
die away Have you no sense to devise a system which will make you independent
of all efforts and all wills but your own Take one day share it into
sections to each section apportion its task leave no stray unemployed quarters
of an hour ten minutes five minutes include all do each piece of business in
its turn with method with rigid regularity The day will close almost before
you are aware it has begun and you are indebted to no one for helping you to
get rid of one vacant moment you have had to seek no ones company
conversation sympathy forbearance you have lived in short as an independent
being ought to do Take this advice the first and last I shall offer you then
you will not want me or any one else happen what may Neglect it go on as
heretofore craving whining and idling and suffer the results of your
idiocy however bad and insufferable they may be I tell you this plainly and
listen for though I shall no more repeat what I am now about to say I shall
steadily act on it After my mothers death I wash my hands of you from the
day her coffin is carried to the vault in Gateshead church you and I will be as
separate as if we had never known each other You need not think that because we
chanced to be born of the same parents I shall suffer you to fasten me down by
even the feeblest claim I can tell you this if the whole human race
ourselves excepted were swept away and we two stood alone on the earth I
would leave you in the old world and betake myself to the new«
She closed her lips
»You might have spared yourself the trouble of delivering that tirade«
answered Georgiana »Everybody knows you are the most selfish heartless creature
in existence and I know your spiteful hatred towards me I have had a specimen
of it before in the trick you played me about Lord Edwin Vere you could not
bear me to be raised above you to have a title to be received into circles
where you dare not show your face and so you acted the spy and informer and
ruined my prospects for ever« Georgiana took out her handkerchief and blew her
nose for an hour afterwards Eliza sat cold impassible and assiduously
industrious
True generous feeling is made small account of by some but here were two
natures rendered the one intolerably acrid the other despicably savourless for
the want of it Feeling without judgment is a washy draught indeed but judgment
untempered by feeling is too bitter and husky a morsel for human deglutition
It was a wet and windy afternoon Georgiana had fallen asleep on the sofa
over the perusal of a novel Eliza was gone to attend a saintsday service at
the new church for in matters of religion she was a rigid formalist no
weather ever prevented the punctual discharge of what she considered her
devotional dudes fair or foul she went to church thrice every Sunday and as
often on weekdays as there were prayers
I bethought myself to go up stairs and see how the dying woman sped who lay
there almost unheeded the very servants paid her but a remittent attention the
hired nurse being little looked after would slip out of the room whenever she
could Bessie was faithful but she had her own family to mind and could only
come occasionally to the Hall I found the sickroom unwatched as I had
expected no nurse was there the patient lay still and seemingly lethargic
her livid face sunk in the pillows the fire was dying in the grate I renewed
the fuel rearranged the bedclothes gazed awhile on her who could not now
gaze on me and then I moved away to the window
The rain beat strongly against the panes the wind blew tempestuously »One
lies there« I thought »who will soon be beyond the war of earthly elements
Whither will that spirit now struggling to quit its material tenement flit
when at length released«
In pondering the great mystery I thought of Helen Burns recalled her dying
words her faith her doctrine of the equality of disembodied souls I was
still listening in thought to her wellremembered tones still picturing her
pale and spiritual aspect her wasted face and sublime gaze as she lay on her
placid deathbed and whispered her longing to be restored to her divine Fathers
bosom when a feeble voice murmured from the couch behind »Who is that«
I knew Mrs Reed had not spoken for days was she reviving I went up to
her
»It is I aunt Reed«
»Who I« was her answer »Who are you« looking at me with surprise and a
sort of alarm but still not wildly »You are quite a stranger to me where is
Bessie«
»She is at the lodge aunt«
»Aunt« she repeated »Who calls me Aunt You are not one of the Gibsons
and yet I know you that face and the eyes and forehead are quite familiar to
me you are like why you are like Jane Eyre«
I said nothing I was afraid of occasioning some shock by declaring my
identity
»Yet« said she »I am afraid it is a mistake my thoughts deceive me I
wished to see Jane Eyre and I fancy a likeness where none exists besides in
eight years she must be so changed« I now gently assured her that I was the
person she supposed and desired me to be and seeing that I was understood and
that her senses were quite collected I explained how Bessie had sent her
husband to fetch me from Thornfield
»I am very ill I know« she said ere long »I was trying to turn myself a
few minutes since and find I cannot move a limb It is as well I should ease my
mind before I die what we think little of in health burdens us at such an hour
as the present is to me Is the nurse here or is there no one in the room but
you«
I assured her we were alone
»Well I have twice done you a wrong which I regret now One was in breaking
the promise which I gave my husband to bring you up as my own child the other
« she stopped »After all it is of no great importance perhaps« she murmured
to herself »and then I may get better and to humble myself so to her is
painful«
She made an effort to alter her position but failed her face changed she
seemed to experience some inward sensation the precursor perhaps of the last
pang
»Well I must get it over Eternity is before me I had better tell her
Go to my dressingcase open it and take out a letter you will see there«
I obeyed her directions »Read the letter« she said
It was short and thus conceived
»Madam
Will you have the goodness to send me the address of my niece Jane
Eyre and to tell me how she is it is my intention to write shortly and
desire her to come to me at Madeira Providence has blessed my
endeavours to secure a competency and as I am unmarried and childless
I wish to adopt her during my life and bequeath her at my death
whatever I may have to leave
I am Madam etc etc
JOHN EYRE Madeira«
It was dated three years back
»Why did I never hear of this« I asked
»Because I disliked you too fixedly and thoroughly ever to lend a hand in
lifting you to prosperity I could not forget your conduct to me Jane the
fury with which you once turned on me the tone in which you declared you
abhorred me the worst of anybody in the world the unchildlike look and voice
with which you affirmed that the very thought of me made you sick and asserted
that I had treated you with miserable cruelty I could not forget my own
sensations when you thus started up and poured out the venom of your mind I
felt fear as if an animal that I had struck or pushed had looked up at me with
human eyes and cursed me in a mans voice Bring me some water Oh make
haste«
»Dear Mrs Reed« said I as I offered her the draught she required »think
no more of all this let it pass away from your mind Forgive me for my
passionate language I was a child then eight nine years have passed since
that day«
She heeded nothing of what I said but when she had tasted the water and
drawn breath she went on thus
»I tell you I could not forget it and I took my revenge for you to be
adopted by your uncle and placed in a state of ease and comfort was what I
could not endure I wrote to him I said I was sorry for his disappointment but
Jane Eyre was dead she had died of typhus fever at Lowood Now act as you
please write and contradict my assertion expose my falsehood as soon as you
like You were born I think to be my torment my last hour is racked by the
recollection of a deed which but for you I should never have been tempted to
commit«
»If you could but be persuaded to think no more of it aunt and to regard
me with kindness and forgiveness «
»You have a very bad disposition« said she »and one to this day I feel it
impossible to understand how for nine years you could be patient and quiescent
under any treatment and in the tenth break out all fire and violence I can
never comprehend«
»My disposition is not so bad as you think I am passionate but not
vindictive Many a time as a little child I should have been glad to love you
if you would have let me and I long earnestly to be reconciled to you now kiss
me aunt«
I approached my cheek to her lips she would not touch it She said I
oppressed her by leaning over the bed and again demanded water As I laid her
down for I raised her and supported her on my arm while she drank I covered
her icecold and clammy hand with mine the feeble fingers shrank from my touch
the glazing eyes shunned my gaze
»Love me then or hate me as you will« I said at last »you have my full
and free forgiveness ask now for Gods and be at peace«
Poor suffering woman it was too late for her to make now the effort to
change her habitual frame of mind living she had ever hated me dying she
must hate me still
The nurse now entered and Bessie followed I yet lingered half an hour
longer hoping to see some sign of amity but she gave none She was fast
relapsing into stupor nor did her mind again rally at twelve oclock that
night she died I was not present to close her eyes nor were either of her
daughters They came to tell us the next morning that all was over She was by
that time laid out Eliza and I went to look at her Georgiana who had burst
out into loud weeping said she dared not go There was stretched Sarah Reeds
once robust and active frame rigid and still her eye of flint was covered with
its cold lid her brow and strong traits wore yet the impress of her inexorable
soul A strange and solemn object was that corpse to me I gazed on it with
gloom and pain nothing soft nothing sweet nothing pitying or hopeful or
subduing did it inspire only a grating anguish for her woes not my loss
and a sombre tearless dismay at the fearfulness of death in such a form
Eliza surveyed her parent calmly After a silence of some minutes she
observed
»With her constitution she should have lived to a good old age her life was
shortened by trouble« And then a spasm constricted her mouth for an instant as
it passed away she turned and left the room and so did I Neither of us had
dropt a tear
Chapter XXII
Mr Rochester had given me but one weeks leave of absence yet a month elapsed
before I quitted Gateshead I wished to leave immediately after the funeral but
Georgiana entreated me to stay till she could get off to London whither she was
now at last invited by her uncle Mr Gibson who had come down to direct his
sisters interment and settle the family affairs Georgiana said she dreaded
being left alone with Eliza from her she got neither sympathy in her dejection
support in her fears nor aid in her preparations so I bore with her
feebleminded quailings and selfish lamentations as well as I could and did
my best in sewing for her and packing her dresses It is true that while I
worked she would idle and I thought to myself »If you and I were destined to
live always together cousin we would commence matters on a different footing
I should not settle tamely down into being the forbearing party I should assign
you your share of labour and compel you to accomplish it or else it should be
left undone I should insist also on your keeping some of those drawling
halfinsincere complaints hushed in your own breast It is only because our
connection happens to be very transitory and comes at a peculiarly mournful
season that I consent thus to render it so patient and compliant on my part«
At last I saw Georgiana off but now it was Elizas turn to request me to
stay another week Her plans required all her time and attention she said she
was about to depart for some unknown bourne and all day long she stayed in her
own room her door bolted within filling trunks emptying drawers burning
papers and holding no communication with any one She wished me to look after
the house to see callers and answer notes of condolence
One morning she told me I was at liberty »And« she added »I am obliged
to you for your valuable services and discreet conduct There is some difference
between living with such a one as you and with Georgiana you perform your own
part in life and burden no one Tomorrow« she continued »I set out for the
continent I shall take up my abode in a religious house near Lisle a nunnery
you would call it there I shall be quiet and unmolested I shall devote myself
for a time to the examination of the Roman Catholic dogmas and to a careful
study of the workings of their system if I find it to be as I half suspect it
is the one best calculated to ensure the doing of all things decently and in
order I shall embrace the tenets of Rome and probably take the veil«
I neither expressed surprise at this resolution nor attempted to dissuade
her from it »The vocation will fit you to a hair« I thought »much good may it
do you«
When we parted she said »Goodbye cousin Jane Eyre I wish you well you
have some sense«
I then returned »You are not without sense cousin Eliza but what you
have I suppose in another year will be walled up alive in a French convent
However it is not my business and so it suits you I dont much care«
»You are in the right« said she and with these words we each went our
separate way As I shall not have occasion to refer either to her or her sister
again I may as well mention here that Georgiana made an advantageous match
with a wealthy wornout man of fashion and that Eliza actually took the veil
and is at this day superior of the convent where she passed the period of her
novitiate and which she endowed with her fortune
How people feel when they are returning home from an absence long or short
I did not know I had never experienced the sensation I had known what it was
to come back to Gateshead when a child after a long walk to be scolded for
looking cold or gloomy and later what it was to come back from church to
Lowood to long for a plenteous meal and a good fire and to be unable to get
either Neither of these returnings were very pleasant or desirable no magnet
drew me to a given point increasing in its strength of attraction the nearer I
came The return to Thornfield was yet to be tried
My journey seemed tedious very tedious fifty miles one day a night spent
at an inn fifty miles the next day During the first twelve hours I thought of
Mrs Reed in her last moments I saw her disfigured and discoloured face and
heard her strangely altered voice I mused on the funeral day the coffin the
hearse the black train of tenants and servants few was the number of
relatives the gaping vault the silent church the solemn service Then I
thought of Eliza and Georgiana I beheld one the cynosure of a ballroom the
other the inmate of a convent cell and I dwelt on and analyzed their separate
peculiarities of person and character The evening arrival at the great town of
scattered these thoughts night gave them quite another turn laid down on my
travellers bed I left reminiscence for anticipation
I was going back to Thornfield but how long was I to stay there Not long
of that I was sure I had heard from Mrs Fairfax in the interim of my absence
the party at the hall was dispersed Mr Rochester had left for London three
weeks ago but he was then expected to return in a fortnight Mrs Fairfax
surmised that he was gone to make arrangements for his wedding as he had talked
of purchasing a new carriage she said the idea of his marrying Miss Ingram
still seemed strange to her but from what everybody said and from what she had
herself seen she could no longer doubt that the event would shortly take place
»You would be strangely incredulous if you did doubt it« was my mental comment
»I dont doubt it«
The question followed »Where was I to go« I dreamt of Miss Ingram all the
night in a vivid morning dream I saw her closing the gates of Thornfield
against me and pointing me out another road and Mr Rochester looked on with
his arms folded smiling sardonically as it seemed at both her and me
I had not notified to Mrs Fairfax the exact day of my return for I did not
wish either car or carriage to meet me at Millcote I proposed to walk the
distance quietly by myself and very quietly after leaving my box in the
ostlers care did I slip away from the George Inn about six oclock of a June
evening and take the old road to Thornfield a road which lay chiefly through
fields and was now little frequented
It was not a bright or splendid summer evening though fair and soft the
haymakers were at work all along the road and the sky though far from
cloudless was such as promised well for the future its blue where blue was
visible was mild and settled and its cloud strata high and thin The west
too was warm no watery gleam chilled it it seemed as if there was a fire
lit an altar burning behind its screen of marbled vapour and out of apertures
shone a golden redness
I felt glad as the road shortened before me so glad that I stopped once to
ask myself what that joy meant and to remind reason that it was not to my home
I was going or to a permanent restingplace or to a place where fond friends
looked out for me and waited my arrival »Mrs Fairfax will smile you a calm
welcome to be sure« said I »and little Adèle will clap her hands and jump to
see you but you know very well you are thinking of another than they and that
he is not thinking of you«
But what is so headstrong as youth What so blind as inexperience These
affirmed that it was pleasure enough to have the privilege of again looking on
Mr Rochester whether he looked on me or not and they added »Hasten hasten
be with him while you may but a few more days or weeks at most and you are
parted with him for ever« And then I strangled a newborn agony a deformed
thing which I could not persuade myself to own and rear and ran on
They are making hay too in Thornfield meadows or rather the labourers
are just quitting their work and returning home with their rakes on their
shoulders now at the hour I arrive I have but a field or two to traverse and
then I shall cross the road and reach the gates How full the hedges are of
roses But I have no time to gather any I want to be at the house I passed a
tall briar shooting leafy and flowery branches across the path I see the
narrow stile with stone steps and I see Mr Rochester sitting there a book
and a pencil in his hand he is writing
Well he is not a ghost yet every nerve I have is unstrung for a moment I
am beyond my own mastery What does it mean I did not think I should tremble in
this way when I saw him or lose my voice or the power of motion in his
presence I will go back as soon as I can stir I need not make an absolute fool
of myself I know another way to the house It does not signify if I knew twenty
ways for he has seen me
»Hillo« he cries and he puts up his book and his pencil »There you are
Come on if you please«
I suppose I do come on though in what fashion I know not being scarcely
cognizant of my movements and solicitous only to appear calm and above all
to control the working muscles of my face which I feel rebel insolently
against my will and struggle to express what I had resolved to conceal But I
have a veil it is down I may make shift yet to behave with decent composure
»And this is Jane Eyre Are you coming from Millcote and on foot Yes
just one of your tricks not to send for a carriage and come clattering over
street and road like a common mortal but to steal into the vicinage of your
home along with twilight just as if you were a dream or a shade What the deuce
have you done with yourself this last month«
»I have been with my aunt sir who is dead«
»A true Janian reply Good angels be my guard She comes from the other
world from the abode of people who are dead and tells me so when she meets me
alone here in the gloaming If I dared Id touch you to see if you are
substance or shadow you elf but Id as soon offer to take hold of a blue
ignis fatuus light in a marsh Truant truant« he added when he had paused an
instant »Absent from me a whole month and forgetting me quite Ill be sworn«
I knew there would be pleasure in meeting my master again even though
broken by the fear that he was so soon to cease to be my master and by the
knowledge that I was nothing to him but there was ever in Mr Rochester so at
least I thought such a wealth of the power of communicating happiness that to
taste but of the crumbs he scattered to stray and stranger birds like me was to
feast genially His last words were balm they seemed to imply that it imported
something to him whether I forgot him or not And he had spoken of Thornfield as
my home would that it were my home
He did not leave the stile and I hardly liked to ask to go by I inquired
soon if he had not been to London
»Yes I suppose you found that out by secondsight«
»Mrs Fairfax told me in a letter«
»And did she inform you what I went to do«
»Oh yes sir Everybody knew your errand«
»You must see the carriage Jane and tell me if you dont think it will
suit Mrs Rochester exactly and whether she wont look like Queen Boadicea
leaning back against those purple cushions I wish Jane I were a trifle better
adapted to match with her externally Tell me now fairy as you are cant you
give me a charm or a philter or something of that sort to make me a handsome
man«
»It would be past the power of magic sir« and in thought I added »A
loving eye is all the charm needed to such you are handsome enough or rather
your sternness has a power beyond beauty«
Mr Rochester had sometimes read my unspoken thoughts with an acumen to me
incomprehensible in the present instance he took no notice of my abrupt vocal
response but he smiled at me with a certain smile he had of his own and which
he used but on rare occasions He seemed to think it too good for common
purposes it was the real sunshine of feeling he shed it over me now
»Pass Janet« said he making room for me to cross the stile »go up home
and stay your weary little wandering feet at a friends threshold«
All I had now to do was to obey him in silence no need for me to colloquize
further I got over the stile without a word and meant to leave him calmly An
impulse held me fast a force turned me round I said or something in me
said for me and in spite of me
»Thank you Mr Rochester for your great kindness I am strangely glad to
get back again to you and wherever you are is my home my only home«
I walked on so fast that even he could hardly have overtaken me had he
tried Little Adèle was half wild with delight when she saw me Mrs Fairfax
received me with her usual plain friendliness Leah smiled and even Sophie bid
me »bon soir« with glee This was very pleasant there is no happiness like that
of being loved by your fellowcreatures and feeling that your presence is an
addition to their comfort
I that evening shut my eyes resolutely against the future I stopped my
ears against the voice that kept warning me of near separation and coming grief
When tea was over and Mrs Fairfax had taken her knitting and I had assumed a
low seat near her and Adèle kneeling on the carpet had nestled close up to
me and a sense of mutual affection seemed to surround us with a ring of golden
peace I uttered a silent prayer that we might not be parted far or soon but
when as we thus sat Mr Rochester entered unannounced and looking at us
seemed to take pleasure in the spectacle of a group so amicable when he said
he supposed the old lady was all right now that she had got her adopted daughter
back again and added that he saw Adèle was »prête à croquer sa petite maman
Anglaise« I half ventured to hope that he would even after his marriage keep
us together somewhere under the shelter of his protection and not quite exiled
from the sunshine of his presence
A fortnight of dubious calm succeeded my return to ThornfieldHall Nothing
was said of the masters marriage and I saw no preparation going on for such an
event Almost every day I asked Mrs Fairfax if she had yet heard anything
decided her answer was always in the negative Once she said she had actually
put the question to Mr Rochester as to when he was going to bring his bride
home but he had answered her only by a joke and one of his queer looks and
she could not tell what to make of him
One thing specially surprised me and that was there were no journeyings
backward and forward no visits to Ingram Park to be sure it was twenty miles
off on the borders of another county but what was that distance to an ardent
lover To so practised and indefatigable a horseman as Mr Rochester it would
be but a mornings ride I began to cherish hopes I had no right to conceive
that the match was broken off that rumour had been mistaken that one or both
parties had changed their minds I used to look at my masters face to see if it
were sad or fierce but I could not remember the time when it had been so
uniformly clear of clouds or evil feelings If in the moments I and my pupil
spent with him I lacked spirits and sank into inevitable dejection he became
even gay Never had he called me more frequently to his presence never been
kinder to me when there and alas never had I loved him so well
Chapter XXIII
A splendid Midsummer shone over England skies so pure suns so radiant as were
then seen in long succession seldom favour even singly our wavegirt land It
was as if a band of Italian days had come from the South like a flock of
glorious passenger birds and lighted to rest them on the cliffs of Albion The
hay was all got in the fields round Thornfield were green and shorn the roads
white and baked the trees were in their dark prime hedge and wood fullleaved
and deeply tinted contrasted well with the sunny hue of the cleared meadows
between
On Midsummereve Adèle weary with gathering wild strawberries in HayLane
half the day had gone to bed with the sun I watched her drop asleep and when
I left her I sought the garden
It was now the sweetest hour of the twentyfour »Day its fervid fires had
wasted« and dew fell cool on panting plain and scorched summit Where the sun
had gone down in simple state pure of the pomp of clouds spread a solemn
purple burning with the light of red jewel and furnace flame at one point on
one hillpeak and extending high and wide soft and still softer over half
heaven The east had its own charm of fine deep blue and its own modest gem a
rising and solitary star soon it would boast the moon but she was yet beneath
the horizon
I walked a while on the pavement but a subtle wellknown scent that of a
cigar stole from some window I saw the library casement open a handbreadth I
knew I might be watched thence so I went apart into the orchard No nook in the
grounds more sheltered and more Edenlike it was full of trees it bloomed with
flowers a very high wall shut it out from the court on one side on the other
a beech avenue screened it from the lawn At the bottom was a sunk fence its
sole separation from lonely fields a winding walk bordered with laurels and
terminating in a giant horsechesnut circled at the base by a seat led down to
the fence Here one could wander unseen While such honeydew fell such silence
reigned such gloaming gathered I felt as if I could haunt such shade for ever
but in threading the flower and fruitparterres at the upper part of the
enclosure enticed there by the light the nowrising moon casts on this more
open quarter my step is stayed not by sound not by sight but once more by a
warning fragrance
Sweetbriar and southernwood jasmine pink and rose have long been
yielding their evening sacrifice of incense this new scent is neither of shrub
nor flower it is I know it well it is Mr Rochesters cigar I look round
and I listen I see trees laden with ripening fruit I hear a nightingale
warbling in a wood half a mile off no moving form is visible no coming step
audible but that perfume increases I must flee I make for the wicket leading
to the shrubbery and I see Mr Rochester entering I step aside into the ivy
recess he will not stay long he will soon return whence he came and if I sit
still he will never see me
But no eventide is as pleasant to him as to me and this antique garden as
attractive and he strolls on now lifting the gooseberrytree branches to look
at the fruit large as plums with which they are laden now taking a ripe
cherry from the wall now stooping towards a knot of flowers either to inhale
their fragrance or to admire the dewbeads on their petals A great moth goes
humming by me it alights on a plant at Mr Rochesters foot he sees it and
bends to examine it
»Now he has his back towards me« thought I »and he is occupied too
perhaps if I walk softly I can slip away unnoticed«
I trode on an edging of turf that the crackle of the pebbly gravel might not
betray me he was standing among the beds at a yard or two distant from where I
had to pass the moth apparently engaged him »I shall get by very well« I
meditated As I crossed his shadow thrown long over the garden by the moon not
yet risen high he said quietly without turning
»Jane come and look at this fellow«
I had made no noise he had not eyes behind could his shadow feel I
started at first and then I approached him
»Look at his wings« said he »he reminds me rather of a West Indian insect
one does not often see so large and gay a nightrover in England there he is
flown«
The moth roamed away I was sheepishly retreating also but Mr Rochester
followed me and when we reached the wicket he said
»Turn back on so lovely a night it is a shame to sit in the house and
surely no one can wish to go to bed while sunset is thus at meeting with
moonrise«
It is one of my faults that though my tongue is sometimes prompt enough at
an answer there are times when it sadly fails me in framing an excuse and
always the lapse occurs at some crisis when a facile word or plausible pretext
is specially wanted to get me out of painful embarrassment I did not like to
walk at this hour alone with Mr Rochester in the shadowy orchard but I could
not find a reason to allege for leaving him I followed with lagging step and
thoughts busily bent on discovering a means of extrication but he himself
looked so composed and so grave also I became ashamed of feeling any confusion
the evil if evil existent or prospective there was seemed to lie with me
only his mind was unconscious and quiet
»Jane« he recommenced as we entered the laurelwalk and slowly strayed
down in the direction of the sunk fence and the horsechesnut »Thornfield is a
pleasant place in summer is it not«
»Yes sir«
»You must have become in some degree attached to the house you who have
an eye for natural beauties and a good deal of the organ of Adhesiveness«
»I am attached to it indeed«
»And though I dont comprehend how it is I perceive you have acquired a
degree of regard for that foolish little child Adèle too and even for simple
dame Fairfax«
»Yes sir in different ways I have an affection for both«
»And would be sorry to part with them«
»Yes«
»Pity« he said and sighed and paused »It is always the way of events in
this life« he continued presently »no sooner have you got settled in a
pleasant restingplace than a voice calls out to you to rise and move on for
the hour of repose is expired«
»Must I move on sir« I asked »Must I leave Thornfield«
»I believe you must Jane I am sorry Janet but I believe indeed you
must«
This was a blow but I did not let it prostrate me
»Well sir I shall be ready when the order to march comes«
»It is come now I must give it tonight«
»Then you are going to be married sir«
»Exactly precisely with your usual acuteness you have hit the nail
straight on the head«
»Soon sir«
»Very soon my that is Miss Eyre and youll remember Jane the first
time I or Rumour plainly intimated to you that it was my intention to put my
old bachelors neck into the sacred noose to enter into the holy estate of
matrimony to take Miss Ingram to my bosom in short shes an extensive
armful but thats not to the point one cant have too much of such a very
excellent thing as my beautiful Blanche well as I was saying listen to me
Jane Youre not turning your head to look after more moths are you That was
only a ladyclock child flying away home I wish to remind you that it was you
who first said to me with that discretion I respect in you with that
foresight prudence and humility which befit your responsible and dependent
position that in case I married Miss Ingram both you and little Adèle had
better trot forthwith I pass over the sort of slur conveyed in this suggestion
on the character of my beloved indeed when you are far away Janet Ill try
to forget it I shall notice only its wisdom which is such that I have made it
my law of action Adèle must go to school and you Miss Eyre must get a new
situation«
»Yes sir I will advertise immediately and meantime I suppose « I was
going to say »I suppose I may stay here till I find another shelter to betake
myself to« but I stopped feeling it would not do to risk a long sentence for
my voice was not quite under command
»In about a month I hope to be a bridegroom« continued Mr Rochester »and
in the interim I shall myself look out for employment and an asylum for you«
»Thank you sir I am sorry to give «
»Oh no need to apologize I consider that when a dependant does her duty as
well as you have done yours she has a sort of claim upon her employer for any
little assistance he can conveniently render her indeed I have already through
my future motherinlaw heard of a place that I think will suit it is to
undertake the education of the five daughters of Mrs Dionysius OGall of
Bitternutt Lodge Connaught Ireland Youll like Ireland I think theyre such
warmhearted people there they say«
»It is a long way off sir«
»No matter a girl of your sense will not object to the voyage or the
distance«
»Not the voyage but the distance and then the sea is a barrier «
»From what Jane«
»From England and from Thornfield and «
»Well«
»From you sir«
I said this almost involuntarily and with as little sanction of free will
my tears gushed out I did not cry so as to be heard however I avoided
sobbing The thought of Mrs OGall and Bitternutt Lodge struck cold to my
heart and colder the thought of all the brine and foam destined as it seemed
to rush between me and the master at whose side I now walked and coldest the
remembrance of the wider ocean wealth caste custom intervened between me and
what I naturally and inevitably loved
»It is a long way« I again said
»It is to be sure and when you get to Bitternutt Lodge Connaught Ireland
I shall never see you again Jane thats morally certain I never go over to
Ireland not having myself much of a fancy for the country We have been good
friends Jane have we not«
»Yes sir«
»And when friends are on the eve of separation they like to spend the
little time that remains to them close to each other Come well talk over the
voyage and the parting quietly half an hour or so while the stars enter into
their shining life up in heaven yonder here is the chestnut tree here is the
bench at its old roots Come we will sit there in peace tonight though we
should never more be destined to sit there together« He seated me and himself
»It is a long way to Ireland Janet and I am sorry to send my little friend
on such weary travels but if I cant do better how is it to be helped Are you
anything akin to me do you think Jane«
I could risk no sort of answer by this time my heart was full
»Because« he said »I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you
especially when you are near me as now it is as if I had a string somewhere
under my left ribs tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string
situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame And if that
boisterous channel and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us I
am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt and then Ive a nervous notion I
should take to bleeding inwardly As for you youd forget me«
»That I never should sir you know « impossible to proceed
»Jane do you hear that nightingale singing in the wood Listen«
In listening I sobbed convulsively for I could repress what I endured no
longer I was obliged to yield and I was shaken from head to foot with acute
distress When I did speak it was only to express an impetuous wish that I had
never been born or never come to Thornfield
»Because you are sorry to leave it«
The vehemence of emotion stirred by grief and love within me was claiming
mastery and struggling for full sway and asserting a right to predominate to
overcome to live rise and reign at last yes and to speak
»I grieve to leave Thornfield I love Thornfield I love it because I
have lived in it a full and delightful life momentarily at least I have not
been trampled on I have not been petrified I have not been buried with
inferior minds and excluded from every glimpse of communion with what is bright
and energetic and high I have talked face to face with what I reverence
with what I delight in with an original a vigorous an expanded mind I have
known you Mr Rochester and it strikes me with terror and anguish to feel I
absolutely must be torn from you for ever I see the necessity of departure and
it is like looking on the necessity of death«
»Where do you see the necessity« he asked suddenly
»Where You sir have placed it before me«
»In what shape«
»In the shape of Miss Ingram a noble and beautiful woman your bride«
»My bride What bride I have no bride«
»But you will have«
»Yes I will I will« He set his teeth
»Then I must go you have said it yourself«
»No you must stay I swear it and the oath shall be kept«
»I tell you I must go« I retorted roused to something like passion »Do
you think I can stay to become nothing to you Do you think I am an automaton
a machine without feelings and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched
from my lips and my drop of living water dashed from my cup Do you think
because I am poor obscure plain and little I am soulless and heartless
You think wrong I have as much soul as you and full as much heart And if
God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth I should have made it as
hard for you to leave me as it is now for me to leave you I am not talking to
you now through the medium of custom conventionalities nor even of mortal
flesh it is my spirit that addresses your spirit just as if both had passed
through the grave and we stood at Gods feet equal as we are«
»As we are« repeated Mr Rochester »so« he added enclosing me in his
arms gathering me to his breast pressing his lips on my lips »so Jane«
»Yes so sir« I rejoined »and yet not so for you are a married man or
as good as a married man and wed to one inferior to you to one with whom you
have no sympathy whom I do not believe you truly love for I have seen and
heard you sneer at her I would scorn such a union therefore I am better than
you let me go«
»Where Jane To Ireland«
»Yes to Ireland I have spoken my mind and can go anywhere now«
»Jane be still dont struggle so like a wild frantic bird that is
rending its own plumage in its desperation«
»I am no bird and no net ensnares me I am a free human being with an
independent will which I now exert to leave you«
Another effort set me at liberty and I stood erect before him
»And your will shall decide your destiny« he said »I offer you my hand my
heart and a share of all my possessions«
»You play a farce which I merely laugh at«
»I ask you to pass through life at my side to be my second self and best
earthly companion«
»For that fate you have already made your choice and must abide by it«
»Jane be still a few moments you are overexcited I will be still too«
A waft of wind came sweeping down the laurelwalk and trembled through the
boughs of the chesnut it wandered away away to an indefinite distance it
died The nightingales song was then the only voice of the hour in listening
to it I again wept Mr Rochester sat quiet looking at me gently and
seriously Some time passed before he spoke he at last said
»Come to my side Jane and let us explain and understand one another«
»I will never again come to your side I am torn away now and cannot
return«
»But Jane I summon you as my wife it is you only I intend to marry«
I was silent I thought he mocked me
»Come Jane come hither«
»Your bride stands between us«
He rose and with a stride reached me
»My bride is here« he said again drawing me to him »because my equal is
here and my likeness Jane will you marry me«
Still I did not answer and still I writhed myself from his grasp for I was
still incredulous
»Do you doubt me Jane«
»Entirely«
»You have no faith in me«
»Not a whit«
»Am I a liar in your eyes« he asked passionately »Little sceptic you
shall be convinced What love have I for Miss Ingram None and that you know
What love has she for me None as I have taken pains to prove I caused a
rumour to reach her that my fortune was not a third of what was supposed and
after that I presented myself to see the result it was coldness both from her
and her mother I would not I could not marry Miss Ingram You you strange
you almost unearthly thing I love as my own flesh You poor and obscure
and small and plain as you are I entreat to accept me as a husband«
»What me« I ejaculated beginning in his earnestness and especially in
his incivility to credit his sincerity »me who have not a friend in the world
but you if you are my friend not a shilling but what you have given me«
»You Jane I must have you for my own entirely my own Will you be mine
Say yes quickly«
»Mr Rochester let me look at your face turn to the moonlight«
»Why«
»Because I want to read your countenance turn«
»There you will find it scarcely more legible than a crumpled scratched
page Read on only make haste for I suffer«
His face was very much agitated and very much flushed and there were strong
workings in the features and strange gleams in the eyes
»Oh Jane you torture me« he exclaimed »With that searching and yet
faithful and generous look you torture me«
»How can I do that If you are true and your offer real my only feelings
to you must be gratitude and devotion they cannot torture«
»Gratitude« he ejaculated and added wildly »Jane accept me quickly
Say Edward give me my name Edward I will marry you«
»Are you in earnest Do you truly love me Do you sincerely wish me to
be your wife«
»I do and if an oath is necessary to satisfy you I swear it«
»Then sir I will marry you«
»Edward my little wife«
»Dear Edward«
»Come to me come to me entirely now« said he and added in his deepest
tone speaking in my ear as his cheek was laid on mine »Make my happiness I
will make yours«
»God pardon me« he subjoined ere long »and man meddle not with me I have
her and will hold her«
»There is no one to meddle sir I have no kindred to interfere«
»No that is the best of it« he said And if I had loved him less I should
have thought his accent and look of exultation savage but sitting by him
roused from the nightmare of parting called to the paradise of union I
thought only of the bliss given me to drink in so abundant a flow Again and
again he said »Are you happy Jane« And again and again I answered »Yes«
After which he murmured »It will atone it will atone Have I not found her
friendless and cold and comfortless Will I not guard and cherish and solace
her Is there not love in my heart and constancy in my resolves It will
expiate at Gods tribunal I know my Maker sanctions what I do For the worlds
judgment I wash my hands thereof For mans opinion I defy it«
But what had befallen the night The moon was not yet set and we were all
in shadow I could scarcely see my masters face near as I was And what ailed
the chesnut tree it writhed and groaned while wind roared in the laurel walk
and came sweeping over us
»We must go in« said Mr Rochester »the weather changes I could have sat
with thee till morning Jane«
»And so« thought I »could I with you« I should have said so perhaps but
a livid vivid spark leapt out of a cloud at which I was looking and there was
a crack a crash and a close rattling peal and I thought only of hiding my
dazzled eyes against Mr Rochesters shoulder
The rain rushed down He hurried me up the walk through the grounds and
into the house but we were quite wet before we could pass the threshold He was
taking off my shawl in the hall and shaking the water out of my loosened hair
when Mrs Fairfax emerged from her room I did not observe her at first nor did
Mr Rochester The lamp was lit The clock was on the stroke of twelve
»Hasten to take off your wet things« said he »and before you go
goodnight goodnight my darling«
He kissed me repeatedly When I looked up on leaving his arms there stood
the widow pale grave and amazed I only smiled at her and ran up stairs
»Explanation will do for another time« thought I Still when I reached my
chamber I felt a pang at the idea she should even temporarily misconstrue what
she had seen But joy soon effaced every other feeling and loud as the wind
blew near and deep as the thunder crashed fierce and frequent as the lightning
gleamed cataractlike as the rain fell during a storm of two hours duration I
experienced no fear and little awe Mr Rochester came thrice to my door in the
course of it to ask if I was safe and tranquil and that was comfort that was
strength for anything
Before I left my bed in the morning little Adèle came running in to tell me
that the great horsechesnut at the bottom of the orchard had been struck by
lightning in the night and half of it split away
Chapter XXIV
As I rose and dressed I thought over what had happened and wondered if it were
a dream I could not be certain of the reality till I had seen Mr Rochester
again and heard him renew his words of love and promise
While arranging my hair I looked at my face in the glass and felt it was
no longer plain there was hope in its aspect and life in its colour and my
eyes seemed as if they had beheld the fount of fruition and borrowed beams from
the lustrous ripple I had often been unwilling to look at my master because I
feared he could not be pleased at my look but I was sure I might lift my face
to his now and not cool his affection by its expression I took a plain but
clean and light summer dress from my drawer and put it on it seemed no attire
had ever so well become me because none had I ever worn in so blissful a mood
I was not surprised when I ran down into the hall to see that a brilliant
June morning had succeeded to the tempest of the night and to feel through the
open glass door the breathing of a fresh and fragrant breeze Nature must be
gladsome when I was so happy A beggarwoman and her little boy pale ragged
objects both were coming up the walk and I ran down and gave them all the
money I happened to have in my purse some three or four shillings good or
bad they must partake of my jubilee The rooks cawed and blither birds sang
but nothing was so merry or so musical as my own rejoicing heart
Mrs Fairfax surprised me by looking out of the window with a sad
countenance and saying gravely »Miss Eyre will you come to breakfast«
During the meal she was quiet and cool but I could not undeceive her then I
must wait for my master to give explanations and so must she I ate what I
could and then I hastened up stairs I met Adèle leaving the schoolroom
»Where are you going It is time for lessons«
»Mr Rochester has sent me away to the nursery«
»Where is he«
»In there« pointing to the apartment she had left and I went in and there
he stood
»Come and bid me goodmorning« said he I gladly advanced and it was not
merely a cold word now or even a shake of the hand that I received but an
embrace and a kiss It seemed natural it seemed genial to be so wellloved so
caressed by him
»Jane you look blooming and smiling and pretty« said he »truly pretty
this morning Is this my pale little elf Is this my mustardseed This little
sunnyfaced girl with the dimpled cheek and rosy lips the satinsmooth hazel
hair and the radiant hazel eyes« I had green eyes reader but you must
excuse the mistake for him they were newdyed I suppose
»It is Jane Eyre sir«
»Soon to be Jane Rochester« he added »in four weeks Janet not a day
more Do you hear that«
I did and I could not quite comprehend it it made me giddy The feeling
the announcement sent through me was something stronger than was consistent
with joy something that smote and stunned it was I think almost fear
»You blushed and now you are white Jane what is that for«
»Because you gave me a new name Jane Rochester and it seems so strange«
»Yes Mrs Rochester« said he »young Mrs Rochester Fairfax Rochesters
girlbride«
»It can never be sir it does not sound likely Human beings never enjoy
complete happiness in this world I was not born for a different destiny to the
rest of my species to imagine such a lot befalling me is a fairy tale a
daydream«
»Which I can and will realise I shall begin today This morning I wrote to
my banker in London to send me certain jewels he has in his keeping
heirlooms for the ladies of Thornfield In a day or two I hope to pour them
into your lap for every privilege every attention shall be yours that I would
accord a peers daughter if about to marry her«
»Oh sir never mind jewels I dont like to hear them spoken of Jewels
for Jane Eyre sounds unnatural and strange I would rather not have them«
»I will myself put the diamond chain round your neck and the circlet on
your forehead which it will become for nature at least has stamped her
patent of nobility on this brow Jane and I will clasp the bracelets on these
fine wrists and load these fairylike fingers with rings«
»No no sir think of other subjects and speak of other things and in
another strain Dont address me as if I were a beauty I am your plain
Quakerish governess«
»You are a beauty in my eyes and a beauty just after the desire of my
heart delicate and aërial«
»Puny and insignificant you mean You are dreaming sir or you are
sneering For Gods sake dont be ironical«
»I will make the world acknowledge you a beauty too« he went on while I
really became uneasy at the strain he had adopted because I felt he was either
deluding himself or trying to delude me »I will attire my Jane in satin and
lace and she shall have roses in her hair and I will cover the head I love
best with a priceless veil«
»And then you wont know me sir and I shall not be your Jane Eyre any
longer but an ape in a harlequins jacket a jay in borrowed plumes I would
as soon see you Mr Rochester tricked out in stagetrappings as myself clad
in a courtladys robe and I dont call you handsome sir though I love you
most dearly far too dearly to flatter you Dont flatter me«
He pursued his theme however without noticing my deprecation »This very
day I shall take you in the carriage to Millcote and you must choose some
dresses for yourself I told you we shall be married in four weeks The wedding
is to take place quietly in the church down below yonder and then I shall waft
you away at once to town After a brief stay there I shall bear my treasure to
regions nearer the sun to French vineyards and Italian plains and she shall
see whatever is famous in old story and in modern record she shall taste too
of the life of cities and she shall learn to value herself by just comparison
with others«
»Shall I travel and with you sir«
»You shall sojourn at Paris Rome and Naples at Florence Venice and
Vienna all the ground I have wandered over shall be retrodden by you wherever
I stamped my hoof your sylphs foot shall step also Ten years since I flew
through Europe half mad with disgust hate and rage as my companions now I
shall revisit it healed and cleansed with a very angel as my comforter«
I laughed at him as he said this »I am not an angel« I asserted »and I
will not be one till I die I will be myself Mr Rochester you must neither
expect nor exact anything celestial of me for you will not get it any more
than I shall get it of you which I do not at all anticipate«
»What do you anticipate of me«
»For a little while you will perhaps be as you are now a very little
while and then you will turn cool and then you will be capricious and then
you will be stern and I shall have much ado to please you but when you get
well used to me you will perhaps like me again like me I say not love me
I suppose your love will effervesce in six months or less I have observed in
books written by men that period assigned as the farthest to which a husbands
ardour extends Yet after all as a friend and companion I hope never to
become quite distasteful to my dear master«
»Distasteful and like you again I think I shall like you again and yet
again and I will make you confess I do not only like but love you with
truth fervour constancy«
»Yet are you not capricious sir«
»To women who please me only by their faces I am the very devil when I find
out they have neither souls nor hearts when they open to me a perspective of
flatness triviality and perhaps imbecility coarseness and illtemper but to
the clear eye and eloquent tongue to the soul made of fire and the character
that bends but does not break at once supple and stable tractable and
consistent I am ever tender and true«
»Had you ever experience of such a character sir Did you ever love such an
one«
»I love it now«
»But before me if I indeed in any respect come up to that difficult
standard«
»I never met your likeness Jane you please me and you master me you
seem to submit and I like the sense of pliancy you impart and while I am
twining the soft silken skein round my finger it sends a thrill up my arm to
my heart I am influenced conquered and the influence is sweeter than I can
express and the conquest I undergo has a witchery beyond any triumph I can win
Why do you smile Jane What does that inexplicable that uncanny turn of
countenance mean«
»I was thinking sir you will excuse the idea it was involuntary I was
thinking of Hercules and Samson with their charmers «
»You were you little elfish «
»Hush sir You dont talk very wisely just now any more than those
gentlemen acted very wisely However had they been married they would no doubt
by their severity as husbands have made up for their softness as suitors and so
will you I fear I wonder how you will answer me a year hence should I ask a
favour it does not suit your convenience or pleasure to grant«
»Ask me something now Janet the least thing I desire to be entreated «
»Indeed I will sir I have my petition all ready«
»Speak But if you look up and smile with that countenance I shall swear
concession before I know to what and that will make a fool of me«
»Not at all sir I ask only this dont send for the jewels and dont
crown me with roses you might as well put a border of gold lace round that
plain pocket handkerchief you have there«
»I might as well gild refined gold I know it your request is granted then
for the time I will remand the order I despatched to my banker But you have
not yet asked for anything you have prayed a gift to be withdrawn try again«
»Well then sir have the goodness to gratify my curiosity which is much
piqued on one point«
He looked disturbed »What what« he said hastily »Curiosity is a
dangerous petition it is well I have not taken a vow to accord every request «
»But there can be no danger in complying with this sir«
»Utter it Jane but I wish that instead of a mere inquiry into perhaps a
secret it was a wish for half my estate«
»Now king Ahasuerus What do I want with half your estate Do you think I
am a Jewusurer seeking good investment in land I would much rather have all
your confidence You will not exclude me from your confidence if you admit me
to your heart«
»You are welcome to all my confidence that is worth having Jane but for
Gods sake dont desire a useless burden Dont long for poison dont turn
out a downright Eve on my hands«
»Why not sir You have just been telling me how much you liked to be
conquered and how pleasant overpersuasion is to you Dont you think I had
better take advantage of the confession and begin and coax and entreat even
cry and be sulky if necessary for the sake of a mere essay of my power«
»I dare you to any such experiment Encroach presume and the game is up«
»Is it sir You soon give in How stern you look now Your eyebrows have
become as thick as my finger and your forehead resembles what in some very
astonishing poetry I once saw styled a blue thunderloft That will be your
married look sir I suppose«
»If that will be your married look I as a Christian will soon give up the
notion of consorting with a mere sprite or salamander But what had you to ask
thing out with it«
»There you are less than civil now and I like rudeness a great deal better
than flattery I had rather be a thing than an angel This is what I have to
ask Why did you take such pains to make me believe you wished to marry Miss
Ingram«
»Is that all Thank God it is no worse« And now he unknit his black brows
looked down smiling at me and stroked my hair as if well pleased at seeing a
danger averted »I think I may confess« he continued »even although I should
make you a little indignant Jane and I have seen what a firespirit you can
be when you are indignant You glowed in the cool moonlight last night when you
mutinied against fate and claimed your rank as my equal Janet bytheby it
was you who made me the offer«
»Of course I did But to the point if you please sir Miss Ingram«
»Well I feigned courtship of Miss Ingram because I wished to render you as
madly in love with me as I was with you and I knew jealousy would be the best
ally I could call in for the furtherance of that end«
»Excellent Now you are small not one whit bigger than the end of my
little finger It was a burning shame and a scandalous disgrace to act in that
way Did you think nothing of Miss Ingrams feelings sir«
»Her feelings are concentrated in one pride and that needs humbling Were
you jealous Jane«
»Never mind Mr Rochester it is in no way interesting to you to know that
Answer me truly once more Do you think Miss Ingram will not suffer from your
dishonest coquetry Wont she feel forsaken and deserted«
»Impossible when I told you how she on the contrary deserted me the
idea of my insolvency cooled or rather extinguished her flame in a moment«
»You have a curious designing mind Mr Rochester I am afraid your
principles on some points are eccentric«
»My principles were never trained Jane they may have grown a little awry
for want of attention«
»Once again seriously may I enjoy the great good that has been vouchsafed
to me without fearing that any one else is suffering the bitter pain I myself
felt a while ago«
»That you may my good little girl there is not another being in the world
has the same pure love for me as yourself for I lay that pleasant unction to
my soul Jane a belief in your affection«
I turned my lips to the hand that lay on my shoulder I loved him very much
more than I could trust myself to say more than words had power to express
»Ask something more« he said presently »it is my delight to be entreated
and to yield«
I was again ready with my request »Communicate your intentions to Mrs
Fairfax sir she saw me with you last night in the hall and she was shocked
Give her some explanation before I see her again It pains me to be misjudged by
so good a woman«
»Go to your room and put on your bonnet« he replied »I mean you to
accompany me to Millcote this morning and while you prepare for the drive I
will enlighten the old ladys understanding Did she think Janet you had given
the world for love and considered it well lost«
»I believe she thought I had forgotten my station and yours sir«
»Station station your station is in my heart and on the necks of those
who would insult you now or hereafter Go«
I was soon dressed and when I heard Mr Rochester quit Mrs Fairfaxs
parlour I hurried down to it The old lady had been reading her morning portion
of Scripture the lesson for the day her Bible lay open before her and her
spectacles were upon it Her occupation suspended by Mr Rochesters
announcement seemed now forgotten her eyes fixed on the blank wall opposite
expressed the surprise of a quiet mind stirred by unwonted tidings Seeing me
she roused herself she made a sort of effort to smile and framed a few words
of congratulation but the smile expired and the sentence was abandoned
unfinished She put up her spectacles shut the Bible and pushed her chair back
from the table
»I feel so astonished« she began »I hardly know what to say to you Miss
Eyre I have surely not been dreaming have I Sometimes I half fall asleep when
I am sitting alone and fancy things that have never happened It has seemed to
me more than once when I have been in a doze that my dear husband who died
fifteen years since has come in and sat down beside me and that I have even
heard him call me by my name Alice as he used to do Now can you tell me
whether it is actually true that Mr Rochester has asked you to marry him Dont
laugh at me But I really thought he came in here five minutes ago and said
that in a month you would be his wife«
»He has said the same thing to me« I replied
»He has Do you believe him Have you accepted him«
»Yes«
She looked at me bewildered
»I could never have thought it He is a proud man all the Rochesters were
proud and his father at least liked money He too has always been called
careful He means to marry you«
»He tells me so«
She surveyed my whole person in her eyes I read that they had there found
no charm powerful enough to solve the enigma
»It passes me« she continued »but no doubt it is true since you say so
How it will answer I cannot tell I really dont know Equality of position and
fortune is often advisable in such cases and there are twenty years of
difference in your ages He might almost be your father«
»No indeed Mrs Fairfax« exclaimed I nettled »he is nothing like my
father No one who saw us together would suppose it for an instant Mr
Rochester looks as young and is as young as some men at fiveandtwenty«
»Is it really for love he is going to marry you« she asked
I was so hurt by her coldness and scepticism that the tears rose to my
eyes
»I am sorry to grieve you« pursued the widow »but you are so young and so
little acquainted with men I wished to put you on your guard It is an old
saying that all is not gold that glitters and in this case I do fear there will
be something found to be different to what either you or I expect«
»Why am I a monster« I said »is it impossible that Mr Rochester should
have a sincere affection for me«
»No you are very well and much improved of late and Mr Rochester I
daresay is fond of you I have always noticed that you were a sort of pet of
his There are times when for your sake I have been a little uneasy at his
marked preference and have wished to put you on your guard but I did not like
to suggest even the possibility of wrong I knew such an idea would shock
perhaps offend you and you were so discreet and so thoroughly modest and
sensible I hoped you might be trusted to protect yourself Last night I cannot
tell you what I suffered when I sought all over the house and could find you
nowhere nor the master either and then at twelve oclock saw you come in
with him«
»Well never mind that now« I interrupted impatiently »it is enough that
all was right«
»I hope all will be right in the end« she said »but believe me you
cannot be too careful Try and keep Mr Rochester at a distance distrust
yourself as well as him Gentlemen in his station are not accustomed to marry
their governesses«
I was growing truly irritated happily Adèle ran in
»Let me go let me go to Millcote too« she cried »Mr Rochester wont
though there is so much room in the new carriage Beg him to let me go
mademoiselle«
»That I will Adèle« and I hastened away with her glad to quit my gloomy
monitress The carriage was ready they were bringing it round to the front and
my master was pacing the pavement Pilot following him backwards and forwards
»Adèle may accompany us may she not sir«
»I told her no Ill have no brats Ill have only you«
»Do let her go Mr Rochester if you please it would be better«
»Not it she will be a restraint«
He was quite peremptory both in look and voice The chill of Mrs Fairfaxs
warnings and the damp of her doubts were upon me something of unsubstantiality
and uncertainty had beset my hopes I half lost the sense of power over him I
was about mechanically to obey him without further remonstrance but as he
helped me into the carriage he looked at my face
»What is the matter« he asked »all the sunshine is gone Do you really
wish the bairn to go Will it annoy you if she is left behind«
»I would far rather she went sir«
»Then off for your bonnet and back like a flash of lightning« cried he to
Adèle
She obeyed him with what speed she might
»After all a single mornings interruption will not matter much« said he
»when I mean shortly to claim you your thoughts conversation and company
for life«
Adèle when lifted in commenced kissing me by way of expressing her
gratitude for my intercession she was instantly stowed away into a corner on
the other side of him She then peeped round to where I sat so stern a
neighbour was too restrictive to him in his present fractious mood she dared
whisper no observations nor ask of him any information
»Let her come to me« I entreated »she will perhaps trouble you sir
there is plenty of room on this side«
He handed her over as if she had been a lapdog »Ill send her to school
yet« he said but now he was smiling
Adèle heard him and asked if she was to go to school »sans mademoiselle«
»Yes« he replied »absolutely sans mademoiselle for I am to take
mademoiselle to the moon and there I shall seek a cave in one of the white
valleys among the volcanotops and mademoiselle shall live with me there and
only me«
»She will have nothing to eat you will starve her« observed Adèle
»I shall gather manna for her morning and night the plains and hillsides
in the moon are bleached with manna Adèle«
»She will want to warm herself what will she do for a fire«
»Fire rises out of the lunar mountains when she is cold Ill carry her up
to a peak and lay her down on the edge of a crater«
»Oh quelle y sera mal peu comfortable And her clothes they will wear
out how can she get new ones«
Mr Rochester professed to be puzzled »Hem« said he »What would you do
Adèle Cudgel your brains for an expedient How would a white or a pink cloud
answer for a gown do you think And one could cut a pretty enough scarf out of
a rainbow«
»She is far better as she is« concluded Adèle after musing some time
»besides she would get tired of living with only you in the moon If I were
mademoiselle I would never consent to go with you«
»She has consented she has pledged her word«
»But you cant get her there there is no road to the moon it is all air
and neither you nor she can fly«
»Adèle look at that field« We were now outside Thornfield gates and
bowling lightly along the smooth road to Millcote where the dust was well laid
by the thunderstorm and where the low hedges and lofty timber trees on each
side glistened green and rainrefreshed
»In that field Adèle I was walking late one evening about a fortnight
since the evening of the day you helped me to make hay in the orchard meadows
and as I was tired with raking swaths I sat down to rest me on a stile and
there I took out a little book and a pencil and began to write about a
misfortune that befell me long ago and a wish I had for happy days to come I
was writing away very fast though daylight was fading from the leaf when
something came up the path and stopped two yards off me I looked at it It was
a little thing with a veil of gossamer on its head I beckoned it to come near
me it stood soon at my knee I never spoke to it and it never spoke to me in
words but I read its eyes and it read mine and our speechless colloquy was to
this effect
It was a fairy and come from Elfland it said and its errand was to make
me happy I must go with it out of the common world to a lonely place such as
the moon for instance and it nodded its head towards her horn rising over
Hayhill it told me of the alabaster cave and silver vale where we might live
I said I should like to go but reminded it as you did me that I had no wings
to fly
Oh returned the fairy that does not signify Here is a talisman will
remove all difficulties and she held out a pretty gold ring Put it she said
on the fourth finger of my left hand and I am yours and you are mine and we
shall leave earth and make our own heaven yonder She nodded again at the moon
The ring Adèle is in my breechespocket under the disguise of a sovereign
but I mean soon to change it to a ring again«
»But what has mademoiselle to do with it I dont care for the fairy you
said it was mademoiselle you would take to the moon «
»Mademoiselle is a fairy« he said whispering mysteriously Whereupon I
told her not to mind his badinage and she on her part evinced a fund of
genuine French scepticism denominating Mr Rochester »un vrai menteur« and
assuring him that she made no account whatever of his »Contes de fée« and that
»du reste il ny avait pas de fées et quand même il y en avait« she was sure
they would never appear to him nor ever give him rings or offer to live with
him in the moon
The hour spent at Millcote was a somewhat harassing one to me Mr Rochester
obliged me to go to a certain silk warehouse there I was ordered to choose half
a dozen dresses I hated the business I begged leave to defer it no it
should be gone through with now By dint of entreaties expressed in energetic
whispers I reduced the halfdozen to two these however he vowed he would
select himself With anxiety I watched his eye rove over the gay stores he
fixed on a rich silk of the most brilliant amethyst dye and a superb pink
satin I told him in a new series of whispers that he might as well buy me a
gold gown and a silver bonnet at once I should certainly never venture to wear
his choice With infinite difficulty for he was stubborn as a stone I
persuaded him to make an exchange in favour of a sober black satin and
pearlgrey silk »It might pass for the present« he said »but he would yet see
me glittering like a parterre«
Glad was I to get him out of the silk warehouse and then out of a
jewellers shop the more he bought me the more my cheek burned with a sense of
annoyance and degradation As we reentered the carriage and I sat back
feverish and fagged I remembered what in the hurry of events dark and bright
I had wholly forgotten the letter of my uncle John Eyre to Mrs Reed his
intention to adopt me and make me his legatee »It would indeed be a relief«
I thought »if I had ever so small an independency I never can bear being
dressed like a doll by Mr Rochester or sitting like a second Danae with the
golden shower falling daily round me I will write to Madeira the moment I get
home and tell my uncle John I am going to be married and to whom if I had but
a prospect of one day bringing Mr Rochester an accession of fortune I could
better endure to be kept by him now« And somewhat relieved by this idea which
I failed not to execute that day I ventured once more to meet my masters and
lovers eye which most pertinaciously sought mine though I averted both face
and gaze He smiled and I thought his smile was such as a sultan might in a
blissful and fond moment bestow on a slave his gold and gems had enriched I
crushed his hand which was ever hunting mine vigorously and thrust it back to
him red with the passionate pressure
»You need not look in that way« I said »if you do Ill wear nothing but
my old Lowood frocks to the end of the chapter Ill be married in this lilac
gingham you may make a dressinggown for yourself out of the pearlgrey silk
and an infinite series of waistcoats out of the black satin«
He chuckled he rubbed his hands »Oh it is rich to see and hear her« he
exclaimed »Is she original Is she piquant I would not exchange this one
little English girl for the grand Turks whole seraglio gazelleeyes houri
forms and all«
The eastern allusion bit me again »Ill not stand you an inch in the stead
of a seraglio« I said »so dont consider me an equivalent for one if you have
a fancy for anything in that line away with you sir to the bazars of Stamboul
without delay and lay out in extensive slavepurchases some of that spare cash
you seem at a loss to spend satisfactorily here«
»And what will you do Janet while I am bargaining for so many tons of
flesh and such an assortment of black eyes«
»Ill be preparing myself to go out as a missionary to preach liberty to
them that are enslaved your harem inmates amongst the rest Ill get admitted
there and Ill stir up mutiny and you threetailed bashaw as you are sir
shall in a trice find yourself fettered amongst our hands nor will I for one
consent to cut your bonds till you have signed a charter the most liberal that
despot ever yet conferred«
»I would consent to be at your mercy Jane«
»I would have no mercy Mr Rochester if you supplicated for it with an eye
like that While you looked so I should be certain that whatever charter you
might grant under coercion your first act when released would be to violate
its conditions«
»Why Jane what would you have I fear you will compel me to go through a
private marriage ceremony besides that performed at the altar You will
stipulate I see for peculiar terms what will they be«
»I only want an easy mind sir not crushed by crowded obligations Do you
remember what you said of Céline Varens of the diamonds the cashmeres you
gave her I will not be your English Céline Varens I shall continue to act as
Adèles governess by that I shall earn my board and lodging and thirty pounds
a year besides Ill furnish my own wardrobe out of that money and you shall
give me nothing but «
»Well but what«
»Your regard and if I give you mine in return that debt will be quit«
»Well for cool native impudence and pure innate pride you havent your
equal« said he We were now approaching Thornfield »Will it please you to dine
with me today« he asked as we reentered the gates
»No thank you sir«
»And what for no thank you if one may inquire«
»I never have dined with you sir and I see no reason why I should now
till «
»Till what You delight in half phrases«
»Till I cant help it«
»Do you suppose I eat like an ogre or a ghoul that you dread being the
companion of my repast«
»I have formed no supposition on the subject sir but I want to go on as
usual for another month«
»You will give up your governessing slavery at once«
»Indeed begging your pardon sir I shall not I shall just go on with it
as usual I shall keep out of your way all day as I have been accustomed to do
you may send for me in the evening when you feel disposed to see me and Ill
come then but at no other time«
»I want a smoke Jane or a pinch of snuff to comfort me under all this
pour me donner une contenance as Adèle would say and unfortunately I have
neither my cigarcase nor my snuffbox But listen whisper it is your time
now little tyrant but it will be mine presently and when once I have fairly
seized you to have and to hold Ill just figuratively speaking attach you
to a chain like this« touching his watchguard »Yes bonny wee thing Ill
wear you in my bosom lest my jewel I should tyne«
He said this as he helped me to alight from the carriage and while he
afterwards lifted out Adèle I entered the house and made good my retreat up
stairs
He duly summoned me to his presence in the evening I had prepared an
occupation for him for I was determined not to spend the whole time in a
têteàtête conversation I remembered his fine voice I knew he liked to sing
good singers generally do I was no vocalist myself and in his fastidious
judgment no musician either but I delighted in listening when the performance
was good No sooner had twilight that hour of romance begun to lower her blue
and starry banner over the lattice than I rose opened the piano and entreated
him for the love of heaven to give me a song He said I was a capricious
witch and that he would rather sing another time but I averred that no time
was like the present
»Did I like his voice« he asked
»Very much« I was not fond of pampering that susceptible vanity of his but
for once and from motives of expediency I would een soothe and stimulate it
»Then Jane you must play the accompaniment«
»Very well sir I will try«
I did try but was presently swept off the stool and denominated a little
bungler Being pushed unceremoniously to one side which was precisely what I
wished he usurped my place and proceeded to accompany himself for he could
play as well as sing I hied me to the windowrecess and while I sat there and
looked out on the still trees and dim lawn to a sweet air was sung in mellow
tones the following strain
The truest love that ever heart
Felt at its kindled core
Did through each vein in quickened start
The tide of being pour
Her coming was my hope each day
Her parting was my pain
The chance that did her steps delay
Was ice in every vein
I dreamed it would be nameless bliss
As I loved loved to be
And to this object did I press
As blind as eagerly
But wide as pathless was the space
That lay our lives between
And dangerous as the foamy race
Of oceansurges green
And haunted as a robberpath
Through wilderness or wood
For Might and Right and Woe and Wrath
Between our spirits stood
I dangers dared I hindrance scorned
I omens did defy
Whatever menaced harassed warned
I passed impetuous by
On sped my rainbow fast as light
I flew as in a dream
For glorious rose upon my sight
That child of Shower and Gleam
Still bright on clouds of suffering dim
Shines that soft solemn joy
Nor care I now how dense and grim
Disasters gather nigh
I care not in this moment sweet
Though all I have rushed oer
Should come on pinion strong and fleet
Proclaiming vengeance sore
Though haughty Hate should strike me down
Right bar approach to me
And grinding Might with furious frown
Swear endless enmity
My love has placed her little hand
With noble faith in mine
And vowed that wedlocks sacred band
Our nature shall entwine
My love has sworn with sealing kiss
With me to live to die
I have at last my nameless bliss
As I love loved am I
He rose and came towards me and I saw his face all kindled and his full
falconeye flashing and tenderness and passion in every lineament I quailed
momentarily then I rallied Soft scene daring demonstration I would not
have and I stood in peril of both a weapon of defence must be prepared I
whetted my tongue as he reached me I asked with asperity »whom he was going
to marry now«
»That was a strange question to be put by his darling Jane«
»Indeed I considered it a very natural and necessary one he had talked of
his future wife dying with him What did he mean by such a pagan idea I had no
intention of dying with him he might depend on that«
»Oh all he longed all he prayed for was that I might live with him Death
was not for such as I«
»Indeed it was I had as good a right to die when my time came as he had
but I should bide that time and not be hurried away in a suttee«
»Would I forgive him for the selfish idea and prove my pardon by a
reconciling kiss«
»No I would rather be excused«
Here I heard myself apostrophized as a »hard little thing« and it was
added »any other woman would have been melted to marrow at hearing such stanzas
crooned in her praise«
I assured him I was naturally hard very flinty and that he would often
find me so and that moreover I was determined to show him divers rugged
points in my character before the ensuing four weeks elapsed he should know
fully what sort of a bargain he had made while there was yet time to rescind
it
»Would I be quiet and talk rationally«
»I would be quiet if he liked and as to talking rationally I flattered
myself I was doing that now«
He fretted pished and pshawed »Very good« I thought »you may fume and
fidget as you please but this is the best plan to pursue with you I am
certain I like you more than I can say but Ill not sink into a bathos of
sentiment and with this needle of repartee Ill keep you from the edge of the
gulph too and moreover maintain by its pungent aid that distance between you
and myself most conducive to our real mutual advantage«
From less to more I worked him up to considerable irritation then after
he had retired in dudgeon quite to the other end of the room I got up and
saying »I wish you goodnight sir« in my natural and wonted respectful
manner I slipped out by the sidedoor and got away
The system thus entered on I pursued during the whole season of probation
and with the best success He was kept to be sure rather cross and crusty but
on the whole I could see he was excellently entertained and that a lamblike
submission and turtledove sensibility while fostering his despotism more
would have pleased his judgment satisfied his commonsense and even suited his
taste less
In other peoples presence I was as formerly deferential and quiet any
other line of conduct being uncalled for it was only in the evening conferences
I thus thwarted and afflicted him He continued to send for me punctually the
moment the clock struck seven though when I appeared before him now he had no
such honeyed terms as love and darling on his lips the best words at my service
were provoking puppet malicious elf sprite changeling amp c For caresses
too I now got grimaces for a pressure of the hand a pinch on the arm for a
kiss on the cheek a severe tweak of the ear It was all right at present I
decidedly preferred these fierce favours to anything more tender Mrs Fairfax
I saw approved me her anxiety on my account vanished therefore I was certain I
did well Meantime Mr Rochester affirmed I was wearing him to skin and bone
and threatened awful vengeance for my present conduct at some period fast
coming I laughed in my sleeve at his menaces »I can keep you in reasonable
check now« I reflected »and I dont doubt to be able to do it hereafter if
one expedient loses its virtue another must be devised«
Yet after all my task was not an easy one often I would rather have pleased
than teased him My future husband was becoming to me my whole world and more
than the world almost my hope of heaven He stood between me and every thought
of religion as an eclipse intervenes between man and the broad sun I could
not in those days see God for his creature of whom I had made an idol
Chapter XXV
The month of courtship had wasted its very last hours were being numbered
There was no putting off the day that advanced the bridal day and all
preparations for its arrival were complete I at least had nothing more to do
there were my trunks packed locked corded ranged in a row along the wall of
my little chamber tomorrow at this time they would be far on their road to
London and so should I DV or rather not I but one Jane Rochester a
person whom as yet I knew not The cards of address alone remained to nail on
they lay four little squares on the drawer Mr Rochester had himself written
the direction »Mrs Rochester Hotel London« on each I could not persuade
myself to affix them or to have them affixed Mrs Rochester She did not
exist she would not be born till tomorrow some time after eight oclock AM
and I would wait to be assured she had come into the world alive before I
assigned to her all that property It was enough that in yonder closet opposite
my dressingtable garments said to be hers had already displaced my black stuff
Lowood frock and straw bonnet for not to me appertained that suit of wedding
raiment the pearlcoloured robe the vapoury veil pendent from the usurped
portmanteau I shut the closet to conceal the strange wraithlike apparel it
contained which at this evening hour nine oclock gave out certainly a
most ghostly shimmer through the shadow of my apartment »I will leave you by
yourself white dream« I said »I am feverish I hear the wind blowing I will
go out of doors and feel it«
It was not only the hurry of preparation that made me feverish not only the
anticipation of the great change the new life which was to commence tomorrow
both these circumstances had their share doubtless in producing that restless
excited mood which hurried me forth at this late hour into the darkening
grounds but a third cause influenced my mind more than they
I had at heart a strange and anxious thought Something had happened which I
could not comprehend no one knew of or had seen the event but myself it had
taken place the preceding night Mr Rochester that night was absent from home
nor was he yet returned business had called him to a small estate of two or
three farms he possessed thirty miles off business it was requisite he should
settle in person previously to his meditated departure from England I waited
now his return eager to disburthen my mind and to seek of him the solution of
the enigma that perplexed me Stay till he comes reader and when I disclose
my secret to him you shall share the confidence
I sought the orchard driven to its shelter by the wind which all day had
blown strong and full from the south without however bringing a speck of
rain Instead of subsiding as night drew on it seemed to augment its rush and
deepen its roar the trees blew stedfastly one way never writhing round and
scarcely tossing back their boughs once in an hour so continuous was the strain
bending their branchy heads northward the clouds drifted from pole to pole
fast following mass on mass no glimpse of blue sky had been visible that July
day
It was not without a certain wild pleasure I ran before the wind delivering
my trouble of mind to the measureless airtorrent thundering through space
Descending the laurelwalk I faced the wreck of the chesnuttree it stood up
black and riven the trunk split down the centre gasped ghastly The cloven
halves were not broken from each other for the firm base and strong roots kept
them unsundered below though community of vitality was destroyed the sap
could flow no more their great boughs on each side were dead and next winters
tempests would be sure to fell one or both to earth as yet however they might
be said to form one tree a ruin but an entire ruin
»You did right to hold fast to each other« I said as if the
monstersplinters were living things and could hear me »I think scathed as
you look and charred and scorched there must be a little sense of life in you
yet rising out of that adhesion at the faithful honest roots you will never
have green leaves more never more see birds making nests and singing idyls in
your boughs the time of pleasure and love is over with you but you are not
desolate each of you has a comrade to sympathize with him in his decay« As I
looked up at them the moon appeared momentarily in that part of the sky which
filled their fissure her disk was bloodred and half overcast she seemed to
throw on me one bewildered dreary glance and buried herself again instantly in
the deep drift of cloud The wind fell for a second round Thornfield but far
away over wood and water poured a wild melancholy wail it was sad to listen
to and I ran off again
Here and there I strayed through the orchard gathered up the apples with
which the grass round the tree roots was thickly strewn then I employed myself
in dividing the ripe from the unripe I carried them into the house and put them
away in the storeroom Then I repaired to the library to ascertain whether the
fire was lit for though summer I knew on such a gloomy evening Mr Rochester
would like to see a cheerful hearth when he came in yes the fire had been
kindled some time and burnt well I placed his armchair by the chimneycorner
I wheeled the table near it I let down the curtain and had the candles brought
in ready for lighting More restless than ever when I had completed these
arrangements I could not sit still nor even remain in the house a little
timepiece in the room and the old clock in the hall simultaneously struck ten
»How late it grows« I said »I will run down to the gates it is moonlight
at intervals I can see a good way on the road He may be coming now and to
meet him will save some minutes of suspense«
The wind roared high in the great trees which embowered the gates but the
road as far as I could see to the right hand and the left was all still and
solitary save for the shadows of clouds crossing it at intervals as the moon
looked out it was but a long pale line unvaried by one moving speck
A puerile tear dimmed my eye while I looked a tear of disappointment and
impatience ashamed of it I wiped it away I lingered the moon shut herself
wholly within her chamber and drew close her curtain of dense cloud the night
grew dark rain came driving fast on the gale
»I wish he would come I wish he would come« I exclaimed seized with
hypochondriac foreboding I had expected his arrival before tea now it was
dark what could keep him Had an accident happened The event of last night
again recurred to me I interpreted it as a warning of disaster I feared my
hopes were too bright to be realized and I had enjoyed so much bliss lately
that I imagined my fortune had passed its meridian and must now decline
»Well I cannot return to the house« I thought »I cannot sit by the
fireside while he is abroad in inclement weather better tire my limbs than
strain my heart I will go forward and meet him«
I set out I walked fast but not far ere I had measured a quarter of a
mile I heard the tramp of hoofs a horseman came on full gallop a dog ran by
his side Away with evil presentiment It was he here he was mounted on
Mesrour followed by Pilot He saw me for the moon had opened a blue field in
the sky and rode in it watery bright he took his hat off and waved it round
his head I now ran to meet him
»There« he exclaimed as he stretched out his hand and bent from the
saddle »You cant do without me that is evident Step on my boottoe give me
both hands mount«
I obeyed joy made me agile I sprang up before him A hearty kissing I got
for a welcome and some boastful triumph which I swallowed as well as I could
He checked himself in his exultation to demand »But is there anything the
matter Janet that you come to meet me at such an hour Is there anything
wrong«
»No but I thought you would never come I could not bear to wait in the
house for you especially with this rain and wind«
»Rain and wind indeed Yes you are dripping like a mermaid pull my cloak
round you but I think you are feverish Jane both your cheek and hand are
burning hot I ask again is there anything the matter«
»Nothing now I am neither afraid nor unhappy«
»Then you have been both«
»Rather but Ill tell you all about it byandby sir and I dare say you
will only laugh at me for my pains«
»Ill laugh at you heartily when tomorrow is past till then I dare not my
prize is not certain This is you who have been as slippery as an eel this last
month and as thorny as a briarrose I could not lay a finger anywhere but I
was pricked and now I seem to have gathered up a stray lamb in my arms you
wandered out of the fold to seek your shepherd did you Jane«
»I wanted you but dont boast Here we are at Thornfield now let me get
down«
He landed me on the pavement As John took his horse and he followed me
into the hall he told me to make haste and put something dry on and then
return to him in the library and he stopped me as I made for the staircase to
extort a promise that I would not be long nor was I long in five minutes I
rejoined him I found him at supper
»Take a seat and bear me company Jane please God it is the last meal but
one you will eat at ThornfieldHall for a long time«
I sat down near him but told him I could not eat
»Is it because you have the prospect of a journey before you Jane Is it
the thoughts of going to London that takes away your appetite«
»I cannot see my prospects clearly tonight sir and I hardly know what
thoughts I have in my head Everything in life seems unreal«
»Except me I am substantial enough touch me«
»You sir are the most phantomlike of all you are a mere dream«
He held out his hand laughing »Is that a dream« said he placing it close
to my eyes He had a rounded muscular and vigorous hand as well as a long
strong arm
»Yes though I touch it it is a dream« said I as I put it down from
before my face »Sir have you finished supper«
»Yes Jane«
I rang the bell and ordered away the tray When we were again alone I
stirred the fire and then took a low seat at my masters knee
»It is near midnight« I said
»Yes but remember Jane you promised to wake with me the night before my
wedding«
»I did and I will keep my promise for an hour or two at least I have no
wish to go to bed«
»Are all your arrangements complete«
»All sir«
»And on my part likewise« he returned »I have settled everything and we
shall leave Thornfield tomorrow within half an hour after our return from
church«
»Very well sir«
»With what an extraordinary smile you uttered that word very well Jane
What a bright spot of colour you have on each cheek and how strangely your eyes
glitter Are you well«
»I believe I am«
»Believe What is the matter Tell me what you feel«
»I could not sir no words could tell you what I feel I wish this present
hour would never end who knows with what fate the next may come charged«
»This is hypochondria Jane You have been overexcited or overfatigued«
»Do you sir feel calm and happy«
»Calm no but happy to the hearts core«
I looked up at him to read the signs of bliss in his face it was ardent and
flushed
»Give me your confidence Jane« he said »relieve your mind of any weight
that oppresses it by imparting it to me What do you fear that I shall not
prove a good husband«
»It is the idea farthest from my thoughts«
»Are you apprehensive of the new sphere you are about to enter of the new
life into which you are passing«
»No«
»You puzzle me Jane your look and tone of sorrowful audacity perplex and
pain me I want an explanation«
»Then sir listen You were from home last night«
»I was I know that and you hinted a while ago at something which had
happened in my absence nothing probably of consequence but in short it
has disturbed you Let me hear it Mrs Fairfax has said something perhaps or
you have overheard the servants talk your sensitive selfrespect has been
wounded«
»No sir« It struck twelve I waited till the timepiece had concluded its
silver chime and the clock its hoarse vibrating stroke and then I proceeded
»All day yesterday I was very busy and very happy in my ceaseless bustle
for I am not as you seem to think troubled by any haunting fears about the new
sphere et cetera I think it a glorious thing to have the hope of living with
you because I love you No sir dont caress me now let me talk undisturbed
Yesterday I trusted well in Providence and believed that events were working
together for your good and mine it was a fine day if you recollect the
calmness of the air and sky forbade apprehensions respecting your safety or
comfort on your journey I walked a little while on the pavement after tea
thinking of you and I beheld you in imagination so near me I scarcely missed
your actual presence I thought of the life that lay before me your life sir
an existence more expansive and stirring than my own as much more so as the
depths of the sea to which the brook runs are than the shallows of its own
strait channel I wondered why moralists call this world a dreary wilderness
for me it blossomed like a rose Just at sunset the air turned cold and the sky
cloudy I went in Sophie called me up stairs to look at my weddingdress which
they had just brought and under it in the box I found your present the veil
which in your princely extravagance you sent for from London resolved I
suppose since I would not have jewels to cheat me into accepting something as
costly I smiled as I unfolded it and devised how I would tease you about your
aristocratic tastes and your efforts to masque your plebeian bride in the
attributes of a peeress I thought how I would carry down to you the square of
unembroidered blonde I had myself prepared as a covering for my lowborn head
and ask if that was not good enough for a woman who could bring her husband
neither fortune beauty nor connections I saw plainly how you would look and
heard your impetuous republican answers and your haughty disavowal of any
necessity on your part to augment your wealth or elevate your standing by
marrying either a purse or a coronet«
»How well you read me you witch« interposed Mr Rochester »but what did
you find in the veil besides its embroidery Did you find poison or a dagger
that you look so mournful now«
»No no sir besides the delicacy and richness of the fabric I found
nothing save Fairfax Rochesters pride and that did not scare me because I am
used to the sight of the demon But sir as it grew dark the wind rose it
blew yesterday evening not as it blows now wild and high but with a sullen
moaning sound far more eerie I wished you were at home I came into this room
and the sight of the empty chair and fireless hearth chilled me For some time
after I went to bed I could not sleep a sense of anxious excitement
distressed me The gale still rising seemed to my ear to muffle a mournful
undersound whether in the house or abroad I could not at first tell but it
recurred doubtful yet doleful at every lull at last I made out it must be some
dog howling at a distance I was glad when it ceased On sleeping I continued
in dreams the idea of a dark and gusty night I continued also the wish to be
with you and experienced a strange regretful consciousness of some barrier
dividing us During all my first sleep I was following the windings of an
unknown road total obscurity environed me rain pelted me I was burdened with
the charge of a little child a very small creature too young and feeble to
walk and which shivered in my cold arms and wailed piteously in my ear I
thought sir that you were on the road a long way before me and I strained
every nerve to overtake you and made effort on effort to utter your name and
entreat you to stop but my movements were fettered and my voice still died
away inarticulate while you I felt withdrew farther and farther every
moment«
»And these dreams weigh on your spirits now Jane when I am close to you
Little nervous subject Forget visionary woe and think only of real happiness
You say you love me Janet yes I will not forget that and you cannot deny
it Those words did not die inarticulate on your lips I heard them clear and
soft a thought too solemn perhaps but sweet as music I think it is a
glorious thing to have the hope of living with you Edward because I love you
Do you love me Jane repeat it«
»I do sir I do with my whole heart«
»Well« he said after some minutes silence »it is strange but that
sentence has penetrated my breast painfully Why I think because you said it
with such an earnest religious energy and because your upward gaze at me now
is the very sublime of faith truth and devotion it is too much as if some
spirit were near me Look wicked Jane as you know well how to look coin one
of your wild shy provoking smiles tell me you hate me tease me vex me do
anything but move me I would rather be incensed than saddened«
»I will tease you and vex you to your hearts content when I have finished
my tale but hear me to the end«
»I thought Jane you had told me all I thought I had found the source of
your melancholy in a dream«
I shook my head »What is there more But I will not believe it to be
anything important I warn you of incredulity beforehand Go on«
The disquietude of his air the somewhat apprehensive impatience of his
manner surprised me but I proceeded
»I dreamt another dream sir that ThornfieldHall was a dreary ruin the
retreat of bats and owls I thought that of all the stately front nothing
remained but a shelllike wall very high and very fragilelooking I wandered
on a moonlight night through the grassgrown enclosure within here I stumbled
over a marble hearth and there over a fallen fragment of cornice Wrapped up in
a shawl I still carried the unknown little child I might not lay it down
anywhere however tired were my arms however much its weight impeded my
progress I must retain it I heard the gallop of a horse at a distance on the
road I was sure it was you and you were departing for many years and for a
distant country I climbed the thin wall with frantic perilous haste eager to
catch one glimpse of you from the top the stones rolled from under my feet the
ivy branches I grasped gave way the child clung round my neck in terror and
almost strangled me at last I gained the summit I saw you like a speck on a
white track lessening every moment The blast blew so strong I could not stand
I sat down on the narrow ledge I hushed the scared infant in my lap you turned
an angle of the road I bent forward to take a last look the wall crumbled I
was shaken the child rolled from my knee I lost my balance fell and woke«
»Now Jane that is all«
»All the preface sir the tale is yet to come On waking a gleam dazzled
my eyes I thought oh it is daylight But I was mistaken it was only
candlelight Sophie I supposed had come in There was a light on the
dressingtable and the door of the closet where before going to bed I had
hung my weddingdress and veil stood open I heard a rustling there I asked
Sophie what are you doing No one answered but a form emerged from the closet
it took the light held it aloft and surveyed the garments pendent from the
portmanteau Sophie Sophie I again cried and still it was silent I had risen
up in bed I bent forward first surprise then bewilderment came over me and
then my blood crept cold through my veins Mr Rochester this was not Sophie
it was not Leah it was not Mrs Fairfax it was not no I was sure of it and
am still it was not even that strange woman Grace Poole«
»It must have been one of them« interrupted my master
»No sir I solemnly assure you to the contrary The shape standing before
me had never crossed my eyes within the precincts of ThornfieldHall before the
height the contour were new to me«
»Describe it Jane«
»It seemed sir a woman tall and large with thick and dark hair hanging
long down her back I know not what dress she had on it was white and straight
but whether gown sheet or shroud I cannot tell«
»Did you see her face«
»Not at first But presently she took my veil from its place she held it
up gazed at it long and then she threw it over her own head and turned to the
mirror At that moment I saw the reflection of the visage and features quite
distinctly in the dark oblong glass«
»And how were they«
»Fearful and ghastly to me oh sir I never saw a face like it It was a
discoloured face it was a savage face I wish I could forget the roll of the
red eyes and the fearful blackened inflation of the lineaments«
»Ghosts are usually pale Jane«
»This sir was purple the lips were swelled and dark the brow furrowed
the black eyebrows widely raised over the bloodshot eyes Shall I tell you of
what it reminded me«
»You may«
»Of the foul German spectre the Vampyre«
»Ah what did it do«
»Sir it removed my veil from its gaunt head rent it in two parts and
flinging both on the floor trampled on them«
»Afterwards«
»It drew aside the windowcurtain and looked out perhaps it saw dawn
approaching for taking the candle it retreated to the door Just at my
bedside the figure stopped the fiery eye glared upon me she thrust up her
candle close to my face and extinguished it under my eyes I was aware her
lurid visage flamed over mine and I lost consciousness for the second time in
my life only the second time I became insensible from terror«
»Who was with you when you revived«
»No one sir but the broad day I rose bathed my head and face in water
drank a long draught felt that though enfeebled I was not ill and determined
that to none but you would I impart this vision Now sir tell me who and what
that woman was«
»The creature of an overstimulated brain that is certain I must be
careful of you my treasure nerves like yours were not made for rough
handling«
»Sir depend on it my nerves were not in fault the thing was real the
transaction actually took place«
»And your previous dreams were they real too Is ThornfieldHall a ruin Am
I severed from you by insuperable obstacles Am I leaving you without a tear
without a kiss without a word«
»Not yet«
»Am I about to do it Why the day is already commenced which is to bind us
indissolubly and when we are once united there shall be no recurrence of these
mental terrors I guarantee that«
»Mental terrors sir I wish I could believe them to be only such I wish it
more now than ever since even you cannot explain to me the mystery of that
awful visitant«
»And since I cannot do it Jane it must have been unreal«
»But sir when I said so to myself on rising this morning and when I
looked round the room to gather courage and comfort from the cheerful aspect of
each familiar object in full daylight there on the carpet I saw what gave
the distinct lie to my hypothesis the veil torn from top to bottom in two
halves«
I felt Mr Rochester start and shudder he hastily flung his arms round me
»Thank God« he exclaimed »that if anything malignant did come near you last
night it was only the veil that was harmed Oh to think what might have
happened«
He drew his breath short and strained me so close to him I could scarcely
pant After some minutes silence he continued cheerily
»Now Janet Ill explain to you all about it It was half dream half
reality a woman did I doubt not enter your room and that woman was must
have been Grace Poole You call her a strange being yourself from all you
know you have reason so to call her what did she do to me what to Mason In
a state between sleeping and waking you noticed her entrance and her actions
but feverish almost delirious as you were you ascribed to her a goblin
appearance different from her own the long dishevelled hair the swelled black
face the exaggerated stature were figments of imagination results of
nightmare the spiteful tearing of the veil was real and it is like her I see
you would ask why I keep such a woman in my house when we have been married a
year and a day I will tell you but not now Are you satisfied Jane Do you
accept my solution of the mystery«
I reflected and in truth it appeared to me the only possible one satisfied
I was not but to please him I endeavoured to appear so relieved I certainly
did feel so I answered him with a contented smile And now as it was long past
one I prepared to leave him
»Does not Sophie sleep with Adèle in the nursery« he asked as I lit my
candle
»Yes sir«
»And there is room enough in Adèles little bed for you You must share it
with her tonight Jane it is no wonder that the incident you have related
should make you nervous and I would rather you did not sleep alone promise me
to go to the nursery«
»I shall be very glad to do so sir«
»And fasten the door securely on the inside Wake Sophie when you go up
stairs under pretence of requesting her to rouse you in good time tomorrow
for you must be dressed and have finished breakfast before eight And now no
more sombre thoughts chase dull care away Janet Dont you hear to what soft
whispers the wind has fallen and there is no more beating of rain against the
windowpanes look here« he lifted up the curtain »it is a lovely night«
It was Half heaven was pure and stainless the clouds now trooping before
the wind which had shifted to the west were filing off eastward in long
silvered columns The moon shone peacefully
»Well« said Mr Rochester gazing inquiringly into my eyes »how is my
Janet now«
»The night is serene sir and so am I«
»And you will not dream of separation and sorrow tonight but of happy love
and blissful union«
This prediction was but half fulfilled I did not indeed dream of sorrow
but as little did I dream of joy for I never slept at all With little Adèle in
my arms I watched the slumber of childhood so tranquil so passionless so
innocent and waited for the coming day all my life was awake and astir in my
frame and as soon as the sun rose I rose too I remember Adèle clung to me as
I left her I remember I kissed her as I loosened her little hands from my neck
and I cried over her with strange emotion and quitted her because I feared my
sobs would break her still sound repose She seemed the emblem of my past life
and he I was now to array myself to meet the dread but adored type of my
unknown future day
Chapter XXVI
Sophie came at seven to dress me she was very long indeed in accomplishing her
task so long that Mr Rochester grown I suppose impatient of my delay sent
up to ask why I did not come She was just fastening my veil the plain square
of blond after all to my hair with a brooch I hurried from under her hands as
soon as I could
»Stop« she cried in French »Look at yourself in the mirror you have not
taken one peep«
So I turned at the door I saw a robed and veiled figure so unlike my usual
self that it seemed almost the image of a stranger »Jane« called a voice and
I hastened down I was received at the foot of the stairs by Mr Rochester
»Lingerer« he said »my brain is on fire with impatience and you tarry so
long«
He took me into the diningroom surveyed me keenly all over pronounced me
»fair as a lily and not only the pride of his life but the desire of his
eyes« and then telling me he would give me but ten minutes to eat some
breakfast he rang the bell One of his lately hired servants a footman
answered it
»Is John getting the carriage ready«
»Yes sir«
»Is the luggage brought down«
»They are bringing it down sir«
»Go you to the church see if Mr Wood the clergyman and the clerk are
there return and tell me«
The church as the reader knows was but just beyond the gates the footman
soon returned
»Mr Wood is in the vestry sir putting on his surplice«
»And the carriage«
»The horses are harnessing«
»We shall not want it to go to church but it must be ready the moment we
return all the boxes and luggage arranged and strapped on and the coachman in
his seat«
»Yes sir«
»Jane are you ready«
I rose There were no groomsmen no bridesmaids no relatives to wait for or
marshal none but Mr Rochester and I Mrs Fairfax stood in the hall as we
passed I would fain have spoken to her but my hand was held by a grasp of
iron I was hurried along by a stride I could hardly follow and to look at Mr
Rochesters face was to feel that not a second of delay would be tolerated for
any purpose I wonder what other bridegroom ever looked as he did so bent up
to a purpose so grimly resolute or who under such stedfast brows ever
revealed such flaming and flashing eyes
I know not whether the day was fair or foul in descending the drive I
gazed neither on sky nor earth my heart was with my eyes and both seemed
migrated into Mr Rochesters frame I wanted to see the invisible thing on
which as we went along he appeared to fasten a glance fierce and fell I
wanted to feel the thoughts whose force he seemed breasting and resisting
At the churchyard wicket he stopped he discovered I was quite out of
breath »Am I cruel in my love« he said »Delay an instant lean on me Jane«
And now I can recall the picture of the gray old house of God rising calm
before me of a rook wheeling round the steeple of a ruddy morning sky beyond
I remember something too of the green gravemounds and I have not forgotten
either two figures of strangers straying amongst the low hillocks and reading
the mementoes graven on the few mossy headstones I noticed them because as
they saw us they passed round to the back of the church and I doubted not they
were going to enter by the sideaisle door and witness the ceremony By Mr
Rochester they were not observed he was earnestly looking at my face from
which the blood had I dare say momentarily fled for I felt my forehead dewy
and my cheeks and lips cold When I rallied which I soon did he walked gently
with me up the path to the porch
We entered the quiet and humble temple the priest waited in his white
surplice at the lowly altar the clerk beside him All was still two shadows
only moved in a remote corner My conjecture had been correct the strangers had
slipped in before us and they now stood by the vault of the Rochesters their
backs towards us viewing through the rails the old timestained marble tomb
where a kneeling angel guarded the remains of Damer de Rochester slain at
Marston Moor in the time of the civil wars and of Elizabeth his wife
Our place was taken at the communionrails Hearing a cautious step behind
me I glanced over my shoulder one of the strangers a gentleman evidently
was advancing up the chancel The service began The explanation of the intent
of matrimony was gone through and then the clergyman came a step further
forward and bending slightly towards Mr Rochester went on
»I require and charge you both as ye will answer at the dreadful day of
judgment when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed that if either of
you know any impediment why ye may not lawfully be joined together in matrimony
ye do now confess it for be ye well assured that so many as are coupled
together otherwise than Gods Word doth allow are not joined together by God
neither is their matrimony lawful«
He paused as the custom is When is the pause after that sentence ever
broken by reply Not perhaps once in a hundred years And the clergyman who
had not lifted his eyes from his book and had held his breath but for a moment
was proceeding his hand was already stretched towards Mr Rochester as his
lips unclosed to ask »Wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife« when a
distinct and near voice said
»The marriage cannot go on I declare the existence of an impediment«
The clergyman looked up at the speaker and stood mute the clerk did the
same Mr Rochester moved slightly as if an earthquake had rolled under his
feet taking a firmer footing and not turning his head or eyes he said
»Proceed«
Profound silence fell when he had uttered that word with deep but low
intonation Presently Mr Wood said
»I cannot proceed without some investigation into what has been asserted
and evidence of its truth or falsehood«
»The ceremony is quite broken off« subjoined the voice behind us »I am in
a condition to prove my allegation an insuperable impediment to this marriage
exists«
Mr Rochester heard but heeded not he stood stubborn and rigid making no
movement but to possess himself of my hand What a hot and strong grasp he had
and how like quarried marble was his pale firm massive front at this moment
How his eye shone still watchful and yet wild beneath
Mr Wood seemed at a loss »What is the nature of the impediment« he asked
»Perhaps it may be got over explained away«
»Hardly« was the answer »I have called it insuperable and I speak
advisedly«
The speaker came forwards and leaned on the rails He continued uttering
each word distinctly calmly steadily but not loudly
»It simply consists in the existence of a previous marriage Mr Rochester
has a wife now living«
My nerves vibrated to those lowspoken words as they had never vibrated to
thunder my blood felt their subtle violence as it had never felt frost or
fire but I was collected and in no danger of swooning I looked at Mr
Rochester I made him look at me His whole face was colourless rock his eye
was both spark and flint He disavowed nothing he seemed as if he would defy
all things Without speaking without smiling without seeming to recognise in
me a human being he only twined my waist with his arm and riveted me to his
side
»Who are you« he asked of the intruder
»My name is Briggs a solicitor of street London«
»And you would thrust on me a wife«
»I would remind you of your ladys existence sir which the law recognises
if you do not«
»Favour me with an account of her with her name her parentage her place
of abode«
»Certainly« Mr Briggs calmly took a paper from his pocket and read out in
a sort of official nasal voice
»I affirm and can prove that on the 20th of October AD a date of
fifteen years back Edward Fairfax Rochester of ThornfieldHall in the county
of and of Ferndean Manor in shire England was married to my sister
Bertha Antoinetta Mason daughter of Jonas Mason merchant and of Antoinetta
his wife a Creole at church SpanishTown Jamaica The record of the
marriage will be found in the register of that church a copy of it is now in
my possession Signed Richard Mason« »That if a genuine document may prove
I have been married but it does not prove that the woman mentioned therein as
my wife is still living«
»She was living three months ago« returned the lawyer
»How do you know«
»I have a witness to the fact whose testimony even you sir will scarcely
controvert«
»Produce him or go to hell«
»I will produce him first he is on the spot Mr Mason have the goodness
to step forward«
Mr Rochester on hearing the name set his teeth he experienced too a
sort of strong convulsive quiver near to him as I was I felt the spasmodic
movement of fury or despair run through his frame The second stranger who had
hitherto lingered in the background now drew near a pale face looked over the
solicitors shoulder yes it was Mason himself Mr Rochester turned and
glared at him His eye as I have often said was a black eye it had now a
tawny nay a bloody light in its gloom and his face flushed olive cheek and
hueless forehead received a glow as from spreading ascending heartfire and
he stirred lifted his strong arm he could have struck Mason dashed him on
the churchfloor shocked by ruthless blow the breath from his body but Mason
shrank away and cried faintly »Good God« Contempt fell cool on Mr Rochester
his passion died as if a blight had shrivelled it up he only asked »What
have you to say«
An inaudible reply escaped Masons white lips
»The devil is in it if you cannot answer distinctly I again demand what
have you to say«
»Sir sir « interrupted the clergyman »do not forget you are in a sacred
place« Then addressing Mason he inquired gently »Are you aware sir whether
or not this gentlemans wife is still living«
»Courage« urged the lawyer »speak out«
»She is now living at ThornfieldHall« said Mason in more articulate
tones »I saw her there last April I am her brother«
»At ThornfieldHall« ejaculated the clergyman »Impossible I am an old
resident in this neighbourhood sir and I never heard of a Mrs Rochester at
ThornfieldHall«
I saw a grim smile contort Mr Rochesters lip and he muttered
»No by God I took care that none should hear of it or of her under that
name« He mused for ten minutes he held counsel with himself he formed his
resolve and announced it
»Enough all shall bolt out at once like the bullet from the barrel
Wood close your book and take off your surplice John Green to the clerk
leave the church there will be no wedding today« the man obeyed
Mr Rochester continued hardily and recklessly »Bigamy is an ugly word
I meant however to be a bigamist but fate has outmanoeuvred me or
Providence has checked me perhaps the last I am little better than a devil
at this moment and as my pastor there would tell me deserve no doubt the
sternest judgments of God even to the quenchless fire and deathless worm
Gentlemen my plan is broken up what this lawyer and his client say is true
I have been married and the woman to whom I was married lives You say you
never heard of a Mrs Rochester at the house up yonder Wood but I daresay you
have many a time inclined your ear to gossip about the mysterious lunatic kept
there under watch and ward Some have whispered to you that she is my bastard
halfsister some my castoff mistress I now inform you that she is my wife
whom I married fifteen years ago Bertha Mason by name sister of this
resolute personage who is now with his quivering limbs and white cheeks
showing you what a stout heart men may bear Cheer up Dick never fear me
Id almost as soon strike a woman as you Bertha Mason is mad and she came of a
mad family idiots and maniacs through three generations Her mother the
Creole was both a mad woman and a drunkard as I found out after I had wed
the daughter for they were silent on family secrets before Bertha like a
dutiful child copied her parent in both points I had a charming partner
pure wise modest you can fancy I was a happy man I went through rich
scenes Oh my experience has been heavenly if you only knew it But I owe you
no further explanation Briggs Wood Mason I invite you all to come up to
the house and visit Mrs Pooles patient and my wife You shall see what sort
of a being I was cheated into espousing and judge whether or not I had a right
to break the compact and seek sympathy with something at least human This
girl« he continued looking at me »knew no more than you Wood of the
disgusting secret she thought all was fair and legal and never dreamt she was
going to be entrapped into a feigned union with a defrauded wretch already
bound to a bad mad and embruted partner Come all of you follow«
Still holding me fast he left the church the three gentlemen came after
At the front door of the hall we found the carriage
»Take it back to the coachhouse John« said Mr Rochester coolly »it
will not be wanted today«
At our entrance Mrs Fairfax Adèle Sophie Leah advanced to meet and
greet us
»To the right about every soul« cried the master »away with your
congratulations Who wants them Not I they are fifteen years too late«
He passed on and ascended the stairs still holding my hand and still
beckoning the gentlemen to follow him which they did We mounted the first
staircase passed up the gallery proceeded to the third story the low black
door opened by Mr Rochesters master key admitted us to the tapestried room
with its great bed and its pictorial cabinet
»You know this place Mason« said our guide »she bit and stabbed you
here«
He lifted the hangings from the wall uncovering the second door this too
he opened In a room without a window there burnt a fire guarded by a high and
strong fender and a lamp suspended from the ceiling by a chain Grace Poole
bent over the fire apparently cooking something in a saucepan In the deep
shade at the further end of the room a figure ran backwards and forwards What
it was whether beast or human being one could not at first sight tell it
grovelled seemingly on all fours it snatched and growled like some strange
wild animal but it was covered with clothing and a quantity of dark grizzled
hair wild as a mane hid its head and face
»Goodmorrow Mrs Poole« said Mr Rochester »How are you and how is your
charge today«
»Were tolerable sir I thank you« replied Grace lifting the boiling mess
carefully on to the hob »rather snappish but not rageous«
A fierce cry seemed to give the lie to her favourable report the clothed
hyena rose up and stood tall on its hind feet
»Ah sir she sees you« exclaimed Grace »youd better not stay«
»Only a few moments Grace you must allow me a few moments«
»Take care then sir for Gods sake take care«
The maniac bellowed she parted her shaggy locks from her visage and gazed
wildly at her visitors I recognised well that purple face those bloated
features Mrs Poole advanced
»Keep out of the way« said Mr Rochester thrusting her aside »she has no
knife now I suppose and Im on my guard«
»One never knows what she has sir she is so cunning it is not in mortal
discretion to fathom her craft«
»We had better leave her« whispered Mason
»Go to the devil« was his brotherinlaws recommendation
»Ware« cried Grace The three gentlemen retreated simultaneously Mr
Rochester flung me behind him the lunatic sprang and grappled his throat
viciously and laid her teeth to his cheek they struggled She was a big woman
in stature almost equalling her husband and corpulent besides she showed
virile force in the contest more than once she almost throttled him athletic
as he was He could have settled her with a wellplanted blow but he would not
strike he would only wrestle At last he mastered her arms Grace Poole gave
him a cord and he pinioned them behind her with more rope which was at hand
he bound her to a chair The operation was performed amidst the fiercest yells
and the most convulsive plunges Mr Rochester then turned to the spectators he
looked at them with a smile both acrid and desolate
»That is my wife« said he »Such is the sole conjugal embrace I am ever to
know such are the endearments which are to solace my leisure hours And this
is what I wished to have« laying his hand on my shoulder »this young girl
who stands so grave and quiet at the mouth of hell looking collectedly at the
gambols of a demon I wanted her just as a change after that fierce ragout Wood
and Briggs look at the difference Compare these clear eyes with the red balls
yonder this face with that mask this form with that bulk then judge me
priest of the Gospel and man of the law and remember with what judgment ye
judge ye shall be judged Off with you now I must shut up my prize«
We all withdrew Mr Rochester stayed a moment behind us to give some
further order to Grace Poole The solicitor addressed me as he descended the
stair
»You madam« said he »are cleared from all blame your uncle will be glad
to hear it if indeed he should be still living when Mr Mason returns to
Madeira«
»My uncle What of him Do you know him«
»Mr Mason does Mr Eyre has been the Funchal correspondent of his house
for some years When your uncle received your letter intimating the contemplated
union between yourself and Mr Rochester Mr Mason who was staying at Madeira
to recruit his health on his way back to Jamaica happened to be with him Mr
Eyre mentioned the intelligence for he knew that my client here was acquainted
with a gentleman of the name of Rochester Mr Mason astonished and distressed
as you may suppose revealed the real state of matters Your uncle I am sorry
to say is now on a sickbed from which considering the nature of his disease
decline and the stage it has reached it is unlikely he will ever rise He
could not then hasten to England himself to extricate you from the snare into
which you had fallen but he implored Mr Mason to lose no time in taking steps
to prevent the false marriage He referred him to me for assistance I used all
despatch and am thankful I was not too late as you doubtless must be also
Were I not morally certain that your uncle will be dead ere you reach Madeira I
would advise you to accompany Mr Mason back but as it is I think you had
better remain in England till you can hear further either from or of Mr Eyre
Have we anything else to stay for« he inquired of Mr Mason
»No no let us be gone« was the anxious reply and without waiting to
take leave of Mr Rochester they made their exit at the hall door The
clergyman stayed to exchange a few sentences either of admonition or reproof
with his haughty parishioner this duty done he too departed
I heard him go as I stood at the half open door of my own room to which I
had now withdrawn The house cleared I shut myself in fastened the bolt that
none might intrude and proceeded not to weep not to mourn I was yet too
calm for that but mechanically to take off the wedding dress and replace it
by the stuff gown I had worn yesterday as I thought for the last time I then
sat down I felt weak and tired I leaned my arms on a table and my head
dropped on them And now I thought till now I had only heard seen moved
followed up and down where I was led or dragged watched event rush on event
disclosure open beyond disclosure but now I thought
The morning had been a quiet morning enough all except the brief scene
with the lunatic the transaction in the church had not been noisy there was no
explosion of passion no loud altercation no dispute no defiance or challenge
no tears no sobs a few words had been spoken a calmly pronounced objection to
the marriage made some stern short questions put by Mr Rochester answers
explanations given evidence adduced an open admission of the truth had been
uttered by my master then the living proof had been seen the intruders were
gone and all was over
I was in my own room as usual just myself without obvious change nothing
had smitten me or scathed me or maimed me And yet where was the Jane Eyre of
yesterday where was her life where were her prospects
Jane Eyre who had been an ardent expectant woman almost a bride was a
cold solitary girl again her life was pale her prospects were desolate A
Christmas frost had come at midsummer a white December storm had whirled over
June ice glazed the ripe apples drifts crushed the blowing roses on hayfield
and cornfield lay a frozen shroud lanes which last night blushed full of
flowers today were pathless with untrodden snow and the woods which twelve
hours since waved leafy and fragrant as groves between the tropics now spread
waste wild and white as pineforests in wintry Norway My hopes were all dead
struck with a subtle doom such as in one night fell on all the firstborn
in the land of Egypt I looked on my cherished wishes yesterday so blooming and
glowing they lay stark chill livid corpses that could never revive I looked
at my love that feeling which was my masters which he had created it
shivered in my heart like a suffering child in a cold cradle sickness and
anguish had seized it it could not seek Mr Rochesters arms it could not
derive warmth from his breast Oh never more could it turn to him for faith
was blighted confidence destroyed Mr Rochester was not to me what he had
been for he was not what I had thought him I would not ascribe vice to him I
would not say he had betrayed me but the attribute of stainless truth was gone
from his idea and from his presence I must go that I perceived well When
how whither I could not yet discern but he himself I doubted not would
hurry me from Thornfield Real affection it seemed he could not have for me
it had been only fitful passion that was balked he would want me no more I
should fear even to cross his path now my view must be hateful to him Oh how
blind had been my eyes How weak my conduct
My eyes were covered and closed eddying darkness seemed to swim round me
and reflection came in as black and confused a flow Selfabandoned relaxed
and effortless I seemed to have laid me down in the driedup bed of a great
river I heard a flood loosened in remote mountains and felt the torrent come
to rise I had no will to flee I had no strength I lay faint longing to be
dead One idea only still throbbed lifelike within me a remembrance of God
it begot an unuttered prayer these words went wandering up and down in my
rayless mind as something that should be whispered but no energy was found to
express them
»Be not far from me for trouble is near there is none to help«
It was near and as I had lifted no petition to Heaven to avert it as I
had neither joined my hands nor bent my knees nor moved my lips it came in
full heavy swing the torrent poured over me The whole consciousness of my life
lorn my love lost my hope quenched my faith deathstruck swayed full and
mighty above me in one sullen mass That bitter hour cannot be described in
truth »the waters came into my soul I sank in deep mire I felt no standing I
came into deep waters the floods overflowed me«
Chapter XXVII
Some time in the afternoon I raised my head and looking round and seeing the
western sun gilding the sign of its decline on the wall I asked »What am I to
do«
But the answer my mind gave »Leave Thornfield at once« was so prompt so
dread that I stopped my ears I said I could not bear such words now »That I
am not Edward Rochesters bride is the least part of my woe« I alleged »that I
have wakened out of most glorious dreams and found them all void and vain is a
horror I could bear and master but that I must leave him decidedly instantly
entirely is intolerable I cannot do it«
But then a voice within me averred that I could do it and foretold that I
should do it I wrestled with my own resolution I wanted to be weak that I
might avoid the awful passage of further suffering I saw laid out for me and
conscience turned tyrant held passion by the throat told her tauntingly she
had yet but dipped her dainty foot in the slough and swore that with that arm
of iron he would thrust her down to unsounded depths of agony
»Let me be torn away then« I cried »Let another help me«
»No you shall tear yourself away none shall help you you shall yourself
pluck out your right eye yourself cut off your right hand your heart shall be
the victim and you the priest to transfix it«
I rose up suddenly terrorstruck at the solitude which so ruthless a judge
haunted at the silence which so awful a voice filled My head swam as I stood
erect I perceived that I was sickening from excitement and inanition neither
meat nor drink had passed my lips that day for I had taken no breakfast And
with a strange pang I now reflected that long as I had been shut up here no
message had been sent to ask how I was or to invite me to come down not even
little Adèle had tapped at the door not even Mrs Fairfax had sought me
»Friends always forget those whom fortune forsakes« I murmured as I undrew the
bolt and passed out I stumbled over an obstacle my head was still dizzy my
sight was dim and my limbs were feeble I could not soon recover myself I
fell but not on to the ground an outstretched arm caught me I looked up I
was supported by Mr Rochester who sat in a chair across my chamber threshold
»You come out at last« he said »Well I have been waiting for you long
and listening yet not one movement have I heard nor one sob five minutes more
of that deathlike hush and I should have forced the lock like a burglar So
you shun me you shut yourself up and grieve alone I would rather you had
come and upbraided me with vehemence You are passionate I expected a scene of
some kind I was prepared for the hot rain of tears only I wanted them to be
shed on my breast now a senseless floor has received them or your drenched
handkerchief But I err you have not wept at all I see a white cheek and a
faded eye but no trace of tears I suppose then your heart has been weeping
blood
Well Jane not a word of reproach Nothing bitter nothing poignant
Nothing to cut a feeling or sting a passion You sit quietly where I have placed
you and regard me with a weary passive look
Jane I never meant to wound you thus If the man who had but one little ewe
lamb that was dear to him as a daughter that ate of his bread and drank of his
cup and lay in his bosom had by some mistake slaughtered it at the shambles
he would not have rued his bloody blunder more than I now rue mine Will you
ever forgive me«
Reader I forgave him at the moment and on the spot There was such deep
remorse in his eye such true pity in his tone such manly energy in his manner
and besides there was such unchanged love in his whole look and mien I
forgave him all yet not in words not outwardly only at my hearts core
»You know I am a scoundrel Jane« ere long he inquired wistfully
wondering I suppose at my continued silence and tameness the result rather of
weakness than of will
»Yes sir«
»Then tell me so roundly and sharply dont spare me«
»I cannot I am tired and sick I want some water« He heaved a sort of
shuddering sigh and taking me in his arms carried me down stairs At first I
did not know to what room he had borne me all was cloudy to my glazed sight
presently I felt the reviving warmth of a fire for summer as it was I had
become icy cold in my chamber He put wine to my lips I tasted it and revived
then I ate something he offered me and was soon myself I was in the library
sitting in his chair he was quite near »If I could go out of life now
without too sharp a pang it would be well for me« I thought »then I should
not have to make the effort of cracking my heartstrings in rending them from
among Mr Rochesters I must leave him it appears I do not want to leave him
I cannot leave him«
»How are you now Jane«
»Much better sir I shall be well soon«
»Taste the wine again Jane«
I obeyed him then he put the glass on the table stood before me and
looked at me attentively Suddenly he turned away with an inarticulate
exclamation full of passionate emotion of some kind he walked fast through the
room and came back he stooped towards me as if to kiss me but I remembered
caresses were now forbidden I turned my face away and put his aside
»What How is this« he exclaimed hastily »Oh I know you wont kiss the
husband of Bertha Mason You consider my arms filled and my embraces
appropriated«
»At any rate there is neither room nor claim for me sir«
»Why Jane I will spare you the trouble of much talking I will answer for
you because I have a wife already you would reply I guess rightly«
»Yes«
»If you think so you must have a strange opinion of me you must regard me
as a plotting profligate a base and low rake who has been simulating
disinterested love in order to draw you into a snare deliberately laid and
strip you of honour and rob you of selfrespect What do you say to that I see
you can say nothing in the first place you are faint still and have enough
to do to draw your breath in the second place you cannot yet accustom yourself
to accuse and revile me and besides the floodgates of tears are opened and
they would rush out if you spoke much and you have no desire to expostulate to
upbraid to make a scene you are thinking how to act talking you consider
is of no use I know you I am on my guard«
»Sir I do not wish to act against you« I said and my unsteady voice
warned me to curtail my sentence
»Not in your sense of the word but in mine you are scheming to destroy me
You have as good as said that I am a married man as a married man you will
shun me keep out of my way just now you have refused to kiss me You intend to
make yourself a complete stranger to me to live under this roof only as Adèles
governess if ever I say a friendly word to you if ever a friendly feeling
inclines you again to me you will say That man had nearly made me his
mistress I must be ice and rock to him and ice and rock you will accordingly
become«
I cleared and steadied my voice to reply »All is changed about me sir I
must change too there is no doubt of that and to avoid fluctuations of
feeling and continual combats with recollections and associations there is
only one way Adèle must have a new governess sir«
»Oh Adèle will go to school I have settled that already nor do I mean to
torment you with the hideous associations and recollections of Thornfield Hall
this accursed place this tent of Achan this insolent vault offering the
ghastliness of living death to the light of the open sky this narrow stone
hell with its one real fiend worse than a legion of such as we imagine
Jane you shall not stay here nor will I I was wrong ever to bring you to
Thornfield Hall knowing as I did how it was haunted I charged them to conceal
from you before I ever saw you all knowledge of the curse of the place merely
because I feared Adèle never would have a governess to stay if she knew with
what inmate she was housed and my plans would not permit me to remove the
maniac elsewhere though I possess an old house Ferndean Manor even more
retired and hidden than this where I could have lodged her safely enough had
not a scruple about the unhealthiness of the situation in the heart of a wood
made my conscience recoil from the arrangement Probably those damp walls would
soon have eased me of her charge but to each villain his own vice and mine is
not a tendency to indirect assassination even of what I most hate
Concealing the madwomans neighbourhood from you however was something
like covering a child with a cloak and laying it down near a upastree that
demons vicinage is poisoned and always was But Ill shut up Thornfield Hall
Ill nail up the front door and board the lower windows Ill give Mrs Poole
two hundred a year to live here with my wife as you term that fearful hag
Grace will do much for money and she shall have her son the keeper at Grimsby
Retreat to bear her company and be at hand to give her aid in the paroxysms
when my wife is prompted by her familiar to burn people in their beds at night
to stab them to bite their flesh from their bones and so on«
»Sir« I interrupted him »you are inexorable for that unfortunate lady you
speak of her with hate with vindictive antipathy It is cruel she cannot
help being mad«
»Jane my little darling so I will call you for so you are you dont
know what you are talking about you misjudge me again it is not because she is
mad I hate her If you were mad do you think I should hate you«
»I do indeed sir«
»Then you are mistaken and you know nothing about me and nothing about the
sort of love of which I am capable Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as
my own in pain and sickness it would still be dear Your mind is my treasure
and if it were broken it would be my treasure still if you raved my arms
should confine you and not a strait waistcoat your grasp even in fury would
have a charm for me if you flew at me as wildly as that woman did this morning
I should receive you in an embrace at least as fond as it would be restrictive
I should not shrink from you with disgust as I did from her in your quiet
moments you should have no watcher and no nurse but me and I could hang over
you with untiring tenderness though you gave me no smile in return and never
weary of gazing into your eyes though they had no longer a ray of recognition
for me But why do I follow that train of ideas I was talking of removing you
from Thornfield All you know is prepared for prompt departure tomorrow you
shall go I only ask you to endure one more night under this roof Jane and
then farewell to its miseries and terrors for ever I have a place to repair
to which will be a secure sanctuary from hateful reminiscences from unwelcome
intrusion even from falsehood and slander«
»And take Adèle with you sir« I interrupted »she will be a companion for
you«
»What do you mean Jane I told you I would send Adèle to school and what
do I want with a child for a companion and not my own child a French
dancers bastard Why do you importune me about her I say why do you assign
Adèle to me for a companion«
»You spoke of a retirement sir and retirement and solitude are dull too
dull for you«
»Solitude solitude« he reiterated with irritation »I see I must come to
an explanation I dont know what sphynxlike expression is forming in your
countenance You are to share my solitude Do you understand«
I shook my head it required a degree of courage excited as he was
becoming even to risk that mute sign of dissent He had been walking fast about
the room and he stopped as if suddenly rooted to one spot He looked at me
long and hard I turned my eyes from him fixed them on the fire and tried to
assume and maintain a quiet collected aspect
»Now for the hitch in Janes character« he said at last speaking more
calmly than from his look I had expected him to speak »The reel of silk has run
smoothly enough so far but I always knew there would come a knot and a puzzle
here it is Now for vexation and exasperation and endless trouble By God I
long to exert a fraction of Samsons strength and break the entanglement like
tow«
He recommenced his walk but soon again stopped and this time just before
me
»Jane will you hear reason« he stooped and approached his lips to my ear
»because if you wont Ill try violence« His voice was hoarse his look that
of a man who is just about to burst an insufferable bond and plunge headlong
into wild licence I saw that in another moment and with one impetus of frenzy
more I should be able to do nothing with him The present the passing second
of time was all I had in which to control and restrain him a movement of
repulsion flight fear would have sealed my doom and his But I was not
afraid not in the least I felt an inward power a sense of influence which
supported me The crisis was perilous but not without its charm such as the
Indian perhaps feels when he slips over the rapid in his canoe I took hold of
his clenched hand loosened the contorted fingers and said to him soothingly
»Sit down Ill talk to you as long as you like and hear all you have to
say whether reasonable or unreasonable«
He sat down but he did not get leave to speak directly I had been
struggling with tears for some time I had taken great pains to repress them
because I knew he would not like to see me weep Now however I considered it
well to let them flow as freely and as long as they liked If the flood annoyed
him so much the better So I gave way and cried heartily
Soon I heard him earnestly entreating me to be composed I said I could not
while he was in such a passion
»But I am not angry Jane I only love you too well and you had steeled
your little pale face with such a resolute frozen look I could not endure it
Hush now and wipe your eyes«
His softened voice announced that he was subdued so I in my turn became
calm Now he made an effort to rest his head on my shoulder but I would not
permit it Then he would draw me to him no
»Jane Jane« he said in such an accent of bitter sadness it thrilled
along every nerve I had »you dont love me then It was only my station and
the rank of my wife that you valued Now that you think me disqualified to
become your husband you recoil from my touch as if I were some toad or ape«
These words cut me yet what could I do or say I ought probably to have
done or said nothing but I was so tortured by a sense of remorse at thus
hurting his feelings I could not control the wish to drop balm where I had
wounded
»I do love you« I said »more than ever but I must not show or indulge the
feeling and this is the last time I must express it«
»The last time Jane What do you think you can live with me and see me
daily and yet if you still love me be always cold and distant«
»No sir that I am certain I could not and therefore I see there is but
one way but you will be furious if I mention it«
»Oh mention it If I storm you have the art of weeping«
»Mr Rochester I must leave you«
»For how long Jane For a few minutes while you smooth your hair which
is somewhat dishevelled and bathe your face which looks feverish«
»I must leave Adèle and Thornfield I must part with you for my whole life
I must begin a new existence amongst strange faces and strange scenes«
»Of course I told you you should I pass over the madness about parting
from me You mean you must become a part of me As to the new existence it is
all right you shall yet be my wife I am not married You shall be Mrs
Rochester both virtually and nominally I shall keep only to you so long as
you and I live You shall go to a place I have in the south of France a
whitewashed villa on the shores of the Mediterranean There you shall live a
happy and guarded and most innocent life Never fear that I wish to lure you
into error to make you my mistress Why do you shake your head Jane you must
be reasonable or in truth I shall again become frantic«
His voice and hand quivered his large nostrils dilated his eye blazed
still I dared to speak
»Sir your wife is living that is a fact acknowledged this morning by
yourself If I lived with you as you desire I should then be your mistress to
say otherwise is sophistical is false«
»Jane I am not a gentletempered man you forget that I am not
longenduring I am not cool and dispassionate Out of pity to me and yourself
put your finger on my pulse feel how it throbs and beware«
He bared his wrist and offered it to me the blood was forsaking his cheek
and lips they were growing livid I was distressed on all hands To agitate him
thus deeply by a resistance he so abhorred was cruel to yield was out of the
question I did what human beings do instinctively when they are driven to utter
extremity looked for aid to one higher than man the words »God help me«
burst involuntarily from my lips
»I am a fool« cried Mr Rochester suddenly »I keep telling her I am not
married and do not explain to her why I forget she knows nothing of the
character of that woman or of the circumstances attending my infernal union
with her Oh I am certain Jane will agree with me in opinion when she knows
all that I know Just put your hand in mine Janet that I may have the
evidence of touch as well as sight to prove you are near me and I will in a
few words show you the real state of the case Can you listen to me«
»Yes sir for hours if you will«
»I ask only minutes Jane did you ever hear or know that I was not the
eldest son of my house that I had once a brother older than I«
»I remember Mrs Fairfax told me so once«
»And did you ever hear that my father was an avaricious grasping man«
»I have understood something to that effect«
»Well Jane being so it was his resolution to keep the property together
he could not bear the idea of dividing his estate and leaving me a fair portion
all he resolved should go to my brother Rowland Yet as little could he
endure that a son of his should be a poor man I must be provided for by a
wealthy marriage He sought me a partner betimes Mr Mason a West India
planter and merchant was his old acquaintance He was certain his possessions
were real and vast he made inquiries Mr Mason he found had a son and
daughter and he learned from him that he could and would give the latter a
fortune of thirty thousand pounds that sufficed When I left college I was
sent out to Jamaica to espouse a bride already courted for me My father said
nothing about her money but he told me Miss Mason was the boast of Spanish Town
for her beauty and this was no lie I found her a fine woman in the style of
Blanche Ingram tall dark and majestic Her family wished to secure me
because I was of a good race and so did she They showed her to me in parties
splendidly dressed I seldom saw her alone and had very little private
conversation with her She flattered me and lavishly displayed for my pleasure
her charms and accomplishments All the men in her circle seemed to admire her
and envy me I was dazzled stimulated my senses were excited and being
ignorant raw and inexperienced I thought I loved her There is no folly so
besotted that the idiotic rivalries of society the prurience the rashness the
blindness of youth will not hurry a man to its commission Her relatives
encouraged me competitors piqued me she allured me a marriage was achieved
almost before I knew where I was Oh I have no respect for myself when I think
of that act an agony of inward contempt masters me I never loved I never
esteemed I did not even know her I was not sure of the existence of one virtue
in her nature I had marked neither modesty nor benevolence nor candour nor
refinement in her mind or manners and I married her gross grovelling
moleeyed blockhead that I was With less sin I might have but let me remember
to whom I am speaking
My brides mother I had never seen I understood she was dead The
honeymoon over I learned my mistake she was only mad and shut up in a
lunatic asylum There was a younger brother too a complete dumb idiot The
elder one whom you have seen and whom I cannot hate whilst I abhor all his
kindred because he has some grains of affection in his feeble mind shown in
the continued interest he takes in his wretched sister and also in a doglike
attachment he once bore me will probably be in the same state one day My
father and my brother Rowland knew all this but they thought only of the
thirty thousand pounds and joined in the plot against me
These were vile discoveries but except for the treachery of concealment I
should have made them no subject of reproach to my wife even when I found her
nature wholly alien to mine her tastes obnoxious to me her cast of mind
common low narrow and singularly incapable of being led to anything higher
expanded to anything larger when I found that I could not pass a single
evening nor even a single hour of the day with her in comfort that kindly
conversation could not be sustained between us because whatever topic I
started immediately received from her a turn at once coarse and trite perverse
and imbecile when I perceived that I should never have a quiet or settled
household because no servant would bear the continued outbreaks of her violent
and unreasonable temper or the vexations of her absurd contradictory exacting
orders even then I restrained myself I eschewed upbraiding I curtailed
remonstrance I tried to devour my repentance and disgust in secret I repressed
the deep antipathy I felt
Jane I will not trouble you with abominable details some strong words
shall express what I have to say I lived with that woman upstairs four years
and before that time she had tried me indeed her character ripened and
developed with frightful rapidity her vices sprang up fast and rank they were
so strong only cruelty could check them and I would not use cruelty What a
pigmy intellect she had and what giant propensities How fearful were the
curses those propensities entailed on me Bertha Mason the true daughter of
an infamous mother dragged me through all the hideous and degrading agonies
which must attend a man bound to a wife at once intemperate and unchaste
My brother in the interval was dead and at the end of the four years my
father died too I was rich enough now yet poor to hideous indigence a nature
the most gross impure depraved I ever saw was associated with mine and
called by the law and by society a part of me And I could not rid myself of it
by any legal proceedings for the doctors now discovered that my wife was mad
her excesses had prematurely developed the germs of insanity Jane you dont
like my narrative you look almost sick shall I defer the rest to another
day«
»No sir finish it now I pity you I do earnestly pity you«
»Pity Jane from some people is a noxious and insulting sort of tribute
which one is justified in hurling back in the teeth of those who offer it but
that is the sort of pity native to callous selfish hearts it is a hybrid
egotistical pain at hearing of woes crossed with ignorant contempt for those
who have endured them But that is not your pity Jane it is not the feeling of
which your whole face is full at this moment with which your eyes are now
almost overflowing with which your heart is heaving with which your hand is
trembling in mine Your pity my darling is the suffering mother of love its
anguish is the very natal pang of the divine passion I accept it Jane let the
daughter have free advent my arms wait to receive her«
»Now sir proceed what did you do when you found she was mad«
»Jane I approached the verge of despair a remnant of selfrespect was all
that intervened between me and the gulf In the eyes of the world I was
doubtless covered with grimy dishonour but I resolved to be clean in my own
sight and to the last I repudiated the contamination of her crimes and
wrenched myself from connexion with her mental defects Still society
associated my name and person with hers I yet saw her and heard her daily
something of her breath faugh mixed with the air I breathed and besides I
remembered I had once been her husband that recollection was then and is now
inexpressibly odious to me moreover I knew that while she lived I could never
be the husband of another and better wife and though five years my senior her
family and her father had lied to me even in the particular of her age she was
likely to live as long as I being as robust in frame as she was infirm in mind
Thus at the age of twentysix I was hopeless
One night I had been awakened by her yells since the medical men had
pronounced her mad she had of course been shut up it was a fiery WestIndian
night one of the description that frequently precede the hurricanes of those
climates being unable to sleep in bed I got up and opened the window The air
was like sulphursteams I could find no refreshment anywhere Mosquitoes came
buzzing in and hummed sullenly round the room the sea which I could hear from
thence rumbled dull like an earthquake black clouds were casting up over it
the moon was setting in the waves broad and red like a hot cannonball she
threw her last bloody glance over a world quivering with the ferment of tempest
I was physically influenced by the atmosphere and scene and my ears were filled
with the curses the maniac still shrieked out wherein she momentarily mingled
my name with such a tone of demonhate with such language no professed
harlot ever had a fouler vocabulary than she though two rooms off I heard
every word the thin partitions of the WestIndia house opposing but slight
obstruction to her wolfish cries
This life said I at last is hell this is the air those are the sounds
of the bottomless pit I have a right to deliver myself from it if I can The
sufferings of this mortal state will leave me with the heavy flesh that now
cumbers my soul Of the fanatics burning eternity I have no fear there is not
a future state worse than this present one let me break away and go home to
God
I said this whilst I knelt down at and unlocked a trunk which contained a
brace of loaded pistols I meant to shoot myself I only entertained the
intention for a moment for not being insane the crisis of exquisite and
unalloyed despair which had originated the wish and design of selfdestruction
was past in a second
A wind fresh from Europe blew over the ocean and rushed through the open
casement the storm broke streamed thundered blazed and the air grew pure I
then framed and fixed a resolution While I walked under the dripping
orangetrees of my wet garden and amongst its drenched pomegranates and
pineapples and while the refulgent dawn of the tropics kindled round me I
reasoned thus Jane and now listen for it was true Wisdom that consoled me
in that hour and showed me the right path to follow
The sweet wind from Europe was still whispering in the refreshed leaves and
the Atlantic was thundering in glorious liberty my heart dried up and scorched
for a long time swelled to the tone and filled with living blood my being
longed for renewal my soul thirsted for a pure draught I saw Hope revive
and felt Regeneration possible From a flowery arch at the bottom of my garden I
gazed over the sea bluer than the sky the old world was beyond clear
prospects opened thus
Go said Hope and live again in Europe there it is not known what a
sullied name you bear nor what a filthy burden is bound to you You may take
the maniac with you to England confine her with due attendance and precautions
at Thornfield then travel yourself to what clime you will and form what new
tie you like That woman who has so abused your longsuffering so sullied
your name so outraged your honour so blighted your youth is not your wife
nor are you her husband See that she is cared for as her condition demands and
you have done all that God and Humanity require of you Let her identity her
connection with yourself be buried in oblivion you are bound to impart them to
no living being Place her in safety and comfort shelter her degradation with
secrecy and leave her
I acted precisely on this suggestion My father and brother had not made my
marriage known to their acquaintance because in the very first letter I wrote
to apprise them of the union having already begun to experience extreme
disgust of its consequences and from the family character and constitution
seeing a hideous future opening to me I added an urgent charge to keep it
secret and very soon the infamous conduct of the wife my father had selected
for me was such as to make him blush to own her as his daughterinlaw Far
from desiring to publish the connection he became as anxious to conceal it as
myself
To England then I conveyed her a fearful voyage I had with such a monster
in the vessel Glad was I when I at last got her to Thornfield and saw her
safely lodged in that third story room of whose secret inner cabinet she has
now for ten years made a wild beasts den a goblins cell I had some trouble
in finding an attendant for her as it was necessary to select one on whose
fidelity dependence could be placed for her ravings would inevitably betray my
secret besides she had lucid intervals of days sometimes weeks which she
filled up with abuse of me At last I hired Grace Poole from the Grimsby
Retreat She and the surgeon Carter who dressed Masons wounds that night he
was stabbed and worried are the only two I have ever admitted to my
confidence Mrs Fairfax may indeed have suspected something but she could have
gained no precise knowledge as to facts Grace has on the whole proved a good
keeper though owing partly to a fault of her own of which it appears nothing
can cure her and which is incident to her harassing profession her vigilance
has been more than once lulled and baffled The lunatic is both cunning and
malignant she has never failed to take advantage of her guardians temporary
lapses once to secrete the knife with which she stabbed her brother and twice
to possess herself of the key of her cell and issue therefrom in the
nighttime On the first of these occasions she perpetrated the attempt to burn
me in my bed on the second she paid that ghastly visit to you I thank
Providence who watched over you that she then spent her fury on your wedding
apparel which perhaps brought back vague reminiscences of her own bridal days
but on what might have happened I cannot endure to reflect When I think of the
thing which flew at my throat this morning hanging its black and scarlet visage
over the nest of my dove my blood curdles «
»And what sir« I asked while he paused »did you do when you had settled
her here Where did you go«
»What did I do Jane I transformed myself into a Willothewisp Where
did I go I pursued wanderings as wild as those of the Marchspirit I sought
the Continent and went devious through all its lands My fixed desire was to
seek and find a good and intelligent woman whom I could love a contrast to the
fury I left at Thornfield «
»But you could not marry sir«
»I had determined and was convinced that I could and ought It was not my
original intention to deceive as I have deceived you I meant to tell my tale
plainly and make my proposals openly and it appeared to me so absolutely
rational that I should be considered free to love and be loved I never doubted
some woman might be found willing and able to understand my case and accept me
in spite of the curse with which I was burdened«
»Well sir«
»When you are inquisitive Jane you always make me smile You open your
eyes like an eager bird and make every now and then a restless movement as if
answers in speech did not flow fast enough for you and you wanted to read the
tablet of ones heart But before I go on tell me what you mean by your Well
sir It is a small phrase very frequent with you and which many a time has
drawn me on and on through interminable talk I dont very well know why«
»I mean What next How did you proceed What came of such an event«
»Precisely and what do you wish to know now«
»Whether you found any one you liked whether you asked her to marry you
and what she said«
»I can tell you whether I found any one I liked and whether I asked her to
marry me but what she said is yet to be recorded in the book of Fate For ten
long years I roved about living first in one capital then another sometimes
in St Petersburgh oftener in Paris occasionally in Rome Naples and Florence
Provided with plenty of money and the passport of an old name I could choose
my own society no circles were closed against me I sought my ideal of a woman
amongst English ladies French countesses Italian signoras and German
gräfinnen I could not find her Sometimes for a fleeting moment I thought I
caught a glance heard a tone beheld a form which announced the realization of
my dream but I was presently undeceived You are not to suppose that I desired
perfection either of mind or person I longed only for what suited me for the
antipodes of the Creole and I longed vainly Amongst them all I found not one
whom had I been ever so free I warned as I was of the risks the horrors
the loathings of incongruous unions would have asked to marry me
Disappointment made me reckless I tried dissipation never debauchery that I
hated and hate That was my Indian Messalinas attribute rooted disgust at it
and her restrained me much even in pleasure Any enjoyment that bordered on
riot seemed to approach me to her and her vices and I eschewed it
Yet I could not live alone so I tried the companionship of mistresses The
first I chose was Céline Varens another of those steps which make a man spurn
himself when he recalls them You already know what she was and how my liaison
with her terminated She had two successors an Italian Giacinta and a German
Clara both considered singularly handsome What was their beauty to me in a few
weeks Giacinta was unprincipled and violent I tired of her in three months
Clara was honest and quiet but heavy mindless unimpressible not one whit to
my taste I was glad to give her a sufficient sum to set her up in a good line
of business and so get decently rid of her But Jane I see by your face you
are not forming a very favourable opinion of me just now You think me an
unfeeling looseprincipled rake dont you«
»I dont like you so well as I have done sometimes indeed sir Did it not
seem to you in the least wrong to live in that way first with one mistress and
then another You talk of it as a mere matter of course«
»It was with me and I did not like it It was a grovelling fashion of
existence I should never like to return to it Hiring a mistress is the next
worse thing to buying a slave both are often by nature and always by position
inferior and to live familiarly with inferiors is degrading I now hate the
recollection of the time I passed with Céline Giacinta and Clara«
I felt the truth of these words and I drew from them the certain inference
that if I were so far to forget myself and all the teaching that had ever been
instilled into me as under any pretext with any justification through any
temptation to become the successor of these poor girls he would one day
regard me with the same feeling which now in his mind desecrated their memory I
did not give utterance to this conviction it was enough to feel it I impressed
it on my heart that it might remain there to serve me as aid in the time of
trial
»Now Jane why dont you say Well sir I have not done You are looking
grave You disapprove of me still I see But let me come to the point Last
January rid of all mistresses in a harsh bitter frame of mind the result
of a useless roving lonely life corroded with disappointment sourly
disposed against all men and especially against all womankind for I began to
regard the notion of an intellectual faithful loving woman as a mere dream
recalled by business I came back to England
On a frosty winter afternoon I rode in sight of Thornfield Hall Abhorred
spot I expected no peace no pleasure there On a stile in Haylane I saw a
quiet little figure sitting by itself I passed it as negligently as I did the
pollard willow opposite to it I had no presentiment of what it would be to me
no inward warning that the arbitress of my life my genius for good or evil
waited there in humble guise I did not know it even when on the occasion of
Mesrours accident it came up and gravely offered me help Childish and slender
creature It seemed as if a linnet had hopped to my foot and proposed to bear me
on its tiny wing I was surly but the thing would not go it stood by me with
strange perseverance and looked and spoke with a sort of authority I must be
aided and by that hand and aided I was
When once I had pressed the frail shoulder something new a fresh sap and
sense stole into my frame It was well I had learnt that this elf must return
to me that it belonged to my house down below or I could not have felt it
pass away from under my hand and seen it vanish behind the dim hedge without
singular regret I heard you come home that night Jane though probably you
were not aware that I thought of you or watched for you The next day I
observed you myself unseen for half an hour while you played with Adèle in
the gallery It was a snowy day I recollect and you could not go out of doors
I was in my room the door was ajar I could both listen and watch Adèle
claimed your outward attention for a while yet I fancied your thoughts were
elsewhere but you were very patient with her my little Jane you talked to her
and amused her a long time When at last she left you you lapsed at once into
deep reverie you betook yourself slowly to pace the gallery Now and then in
passing a casement you glanced out at the thickfalling snow you listened to
the sobbing wind and again you paced gently on and dreamed I think those
dayvisions were not dark there was a pleasurable illumination in your eye
occasionally a soft excitement in your aspect which told of no bitter
bilious hypochondriac brooding your look revealed rather the sweet musings of
youth when its spirit follows on willing wings the flight of Hope up and on to
an ideal heaven The voice of Mrs Fairfax speaking to a servant in the hall
wakened you and how curiously you smiled to and at yourself Janet There was
much sense in your smile it was very shrewd and seemed to make light of your
own abstraction It seemed to say My fine visions are all very well but I
must not forget they are absolutely unreal I have a rosy sky and a green
flowery Eden in my brain but without I am perfectly aware lies at my feet a
rough tract to travel and around me gather black tempests to encounter You ran
down stairs and demanded of Mrs Fairfax some occupation the weekly
houseaccounts to make up or something of that sort I think it was I was
vexed with you for getting out of my sight
Impatiently I waited for evening when I might summon you to my presence An
unusual to me a perfectly new character I suspected was yours I desired to
search it deeper and know it better You entered the room with a look and air
at once shy and independent you were quaintly dressed much as you are now I
made you talk ere long I found you full of strange contrasts Your garb and
manner were restricted by rule your air was often diffident and altogether
that of one refined by nature but absolutely unused to society and a good deal
afraid of making herself disadvantageously conspicuous by some solecism or
blunder yet when addressed you lifted a keen a daring and a glowing eye to
your interlocutors face there was penetration and power in each glance you
gave when plied by close questions you found ready and round answers Very
soon you seemed to get used to me I believe you felt the existence of
sympathy between you and your grim and cross master Jane for it was
astonishing to see how quickly a certain pleasant ease tranquillized your
manner snarl as I would you showed no surprise fear annoyance or
displeasure at my moroseness you watched me and now and then smiled at me with
a simple yet sagacious grace I cannot describe I was at once content and
stimulated with what I saw I liked what I had seen and wished to see more
Yet for a long time I treated you distantly and sought your company rarely I
was an intellectual epicure and wished to prolong the gratification of making
this novel and piquant acquaintance besides I was for a while troubled with a
haunting fear that if I handled the flower freely its bloom would fade the
sweet charm of freshness would leave it I did not then know that it was no
transitory blossom but rather the radiant resemblance of one cut in an
indestructible gem Moreover I wished to see whether you would seek me if I
shunned you but you did not you kept in the schoolroom as still as your own
desk and easel if by chance I met you you passed me as soon and with as
little token of recognition as was consistent with respect Your habitual
expression in those days Jane was a thoughtful look not despondent for you
were not sickly but not buoyant for you had little hope and no actual
pleasure I wondered what you thought of me or if you ever thought of me to
find this out I resumed my notice of you There was something glad in your
glance and genial in your manner when you conversed I saw you had a social
heart it was the silent schoolroom it was the tedium of your life that made
you mournful I permitted myself the delight of being kind to you kindness
stirred emotion soon your face became soft in expression your tones gentle I
liked my name pronounced by your lips in a grateful happy accent I used to
enjoy a chance meeting with you Jane at this time there was a curious
hesitation in your manner you glanced at me with a slight trouble a hovering
doubt you did not know what my caprice might be whether I was going to play
the master and be stern or the friend and be benignant I was now too fond of
you often to simulate the first whim and when I stretched my hand out
cordially such bloom and light and bliss rose to your young wistful features
I had much ado often to avoid straining you then and there to my heart«
»Dont talk any more of those days sir« I interrupted furtively dashing
away some tears from my eyes his language was torture to me for I knew what I
must do and do soon and all these reminiscences and these revelations of
his feelings only made my work more difficult
»No Jane« he returned »what necessity is there to dwell on the Past when
the Present is so much surer the Future so much brighter«
I shuddered to hear the infatuated assertion
»You see now how the case stands do you not« he continued »After a youth
and manhood passed half in unutterable misery and half in dreary solitude I
have for the first time found what I can truly love I have found you You are
my sympathy my better self my good angel I am bound to you with a strong
attachment I think you good gifted lovely a fervent a solemn passion is
conceived in my heart it leans to you draws you to my centre and spring of
life wraps my existence about you and kindling in pure powerful flame
fuses you and me in one
It was because I felt and knew this that I resolved to marry you To tell
me that I had already a wife is empty mockery you know now that I had but a
hideous demon I was wrong to attempt to deceive you but I feared a
stubbornness that exists in your character I feared early instilled prejudice
I wanted to have you safe before hazarding confidences This was cowardly I
should have appealed to your nobleness and magnanimity at first as I do now
opened to you plainly my life of agony described to you my hunger and thirst
after a higher and worthier existence shown to you not my resolution that
word is weak but my resistless bent to love faithfully and well where I am
faithfully and well loved in return Then I should have asked you to accept my
pledge of fidelity and to give me yours Jane give it me now«
A pause
»Why are you silent Jane«
I was experiencing an ordeal a hand of fiery iron grasped my vitals
Terrible moment full of struggle blackness burning Not a human being that
ever lived could wish to be loved better than I was loved and him who thus
loved me I absolutely worshipped and I must renounce love and idol One drear
word comprised my intolerable duty »Depart«
»Jane you understand what I want of you Just this promise I will be
yours Mr Rochester«
»Mr Rochester I will not be yours«
Another long silence
»Jane« recommenced he with a gentleness that broke me down with grief and
turned me stonecold with ominous terror for this still voice was the pant of
a lion rising »Jane do you mean to go one way in the world and to let me go
another«
»I do«
»Jane« bending towards and embracing me »do you mean it now«
»I do«
»And now« softly kissing my forehead and cheek
»I do « extricating myself from restraint rapidly and completely
»Oh Jane this is bitter This this is wicked It would not be wicked to
love me«
»It would to obey you«
A wild look raised his brows crossed his features he rose but he forbore
yet I laid my hand on the back of a chair for support I shook I feared but
I resolved
»One instant Jane Give one glance to my horrible life when you are gone
All happiness will be torn away with you What then is left For a wife I have
but the maniac upstairs as well might you refer me to some corpse in yonder
churchyard What shall I do Jane Where turn for a companion and for some
hope«
»Do as I do trust in God and yourself Believe in heaven Hope to meet
again there«
»Then you will not yield«
»No«
»Then you condemn me to live wretched and to die accursed« His voice rose
»I advise you to live sinless and I wish you to die tranquil«
»Then you snatch love and innocence from me You fling me back on lust for a
passion vice for an occupation«
»Mr Rochester I no more assign this fate to you than I grasp at it for
myself We were born to strive and endure you as well as I do so You will
forget me before I forget you«
»You make me a liar by such language you sully my honour I declared I
could not change you tell me to my face I shall change soon And what a
distortion in your judgment what a perversity in your ideas is proved by your
conduct Is it better to drive a fellowcreature to despair than to transgress a
mere human law no man being injured by the breach for you have neither
relatives nor acquaintances whom you need fear to offend by living with me«
This was true and while he spoke my very Conscience and Reason turned
traitors against me and charged me with crime in resisting him They spoke
almost as loud as Feeling and that clamoured wildly »Oh comply« it said
»Think of his misery think of his danger look at his state when left alone
remember his headlong nature consider the recklessness following on despair
soothe him save him love him tell him you love him and will be his Who in
the world cares for you or who will be injured by what you do«
Still indomitable was the reply »I care for myself The more solitary the
more friendless the more unsustained I am the more I will respect myself I
will keep the law given by God sanctioned by man I will hold to the principles
received by me when I was sane and not mad as I am now Laws and principles
are not for the times when there is no temptation they are for such moments as
this when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour stringent are
they inviolate they shall be If at my individual convenience I might break
them what would be their worth They have a worth so I have always believed
and if I cannot believe it now it is because I am insane quite insane with
my veins running fire and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs
Preconceived opinions foregone determinations are all I have at this hour to
stand by there I plant my foot«
I did Mr Rochester reading my countenance saw I had done so His fury
was wrought to the highest he must yield to it for a moment whatever followed
he crossed the floor and seized my arm and grasped my waist He seemed to
devour me with his flaming glance physically I felt at the moment powerless
as stubble exposed to the draught and glow of a furnace mentally I still
possessed my soul and with it the certainty of ultimate safety The soul
fortunately has an interpreter often an unconscious but still a truthful
interpreter in the eye My eye rose to his and while I looked in his fierce
face I gave an involuntary sigh his gripe was painful and my overtasked
strength almost exhausted
»Never« said he as he ground his teeth »never was anything at once so
frail and so indomitable A mere reed she feels in my hand« And he shook me
with the force of his hold »I could bend her with my finger and thumb and
what good would it do if I bent if I uptore if I crushed her Consider that
eye consider the resolute wild free thing looking out of it defying me with
more than courage with a stern triumph Whatever I do with its cage I cannot
get at it the savage beautiful creature If I tear if I rend the slight
prison my outrage will only let the captive loose Conqueror I might be of the
house but the inmate would escape to heaven before I could call myself
possessor of its clay dwellingplace And it is you spirit with will and
energy and virtue and purity that I want not alone your brittle frame Of
yourself you could come with soft flight and nestle against my heart if you
would seized against your will you will elude the grasp like an essence you
will vanish ere I inhale your fragrance Oh come Jane come«
As he said this he released me from his clutch and only looked at me The
look was far worse to resist than the frantic strain only an idiot however
would have succumbed now I had dared and baffled his fury I must elude his
sorrow I retired to the door
»You are going Jane«
»I am going sir«
»You are leaving me«
»Yes«
»You will not come You will not be my comforter my rescuer My deep
love my wild woe my frantic prayer are all nothing to you«
What unutterable pathos was in his voice How hard it was to reiterate
firmly »I am going«
»Jane«
»Mr Rochester«
»Withdraw then I consent but remember you leave me here in anguish Go
up to your own room think over all I have said and Jane cast a glance on my
sufferings think of me«
He turned away he threw himself on his face on the sofa »Oh Jane my hope
my love my life« broke in anguish from his lips Then came a deep strong
sob
I had already gained the door but reader I walked back walked back as
determinedly as I had retreated I knelt down by him I turned his face from the
cushion to me I kissed his cheek I smoothed his hair with my hand
»God bless you my dear master« I said »God keep you from harm and wrong
direct you solace you reward you well for your past kindness to me«
»Little Janes love would have been my best reward« he answered »without
it my heart is broken But Jane will give me her love yes nobly
generously«
Up the blood rushed to his face forth flashed the fire from his eyes erect
he sprang he held his arms out but I evaded the embrace and at once quitted
the room
»Farewell« was the cry of my heart as I left him Despair added
»Farewell for ever«
That night I never thought to sleep but a slumber fell on me as soon as I lay
down in bed I was transported in thought to the scenes of childhood I dreamt I
lay in the redroom at Gateshead that the night was dark and my mind impressed
with strange fears The light that long ago had struck me into syncope recalled
in this vision seemed glidingly to mount the wall and tremblingly to pause in
the centre of the obscured ceiling I lifted up my head to look the roof
resolved to clouds high and dim the gleam was such as the moon imparts to
vapours she is about to sever I watched her come watched with the strangest
anticipation as though some word of doom were to be written on her disk She
broke forth as never moon yet burst from cloud a hand first penetrated the
sable folds and waved them away then not a moon but a white human form shone
in the azure inclining a glorious brow earthward It gazed and gazed on me It
spoke to my spirit immeasurably distant was the tone yet so near it whispered
in my heart
»My daughter flee temptation«
»Mother I will«
So I answered after I had waked from the trancelike dream It was yet
night but July nights are short soon after midnight dawn comes »It cannot be
too early to commence the task I have to fulfil« thought I I rose I was
dressed for I had taken off nothing but my shoes I knew where to find in my
drawers some linen a locket a ring In seeking these articles I encountered
the beads of a pearl necklace Mr Rochester had forced me to accept a few days
ago I left that it was not mine it was the visionary brides who had melted
in air The other articles I made up in a parcel my purse containing twenty
shillings it was all I had I put in my pocket I tied on my straw bonnet
pinned my shawl took the parcel and my slippers which I would not put on yet
and stole from my room
»Farewell kind Mrs Fairfax« I whispered as I glided past her door
»Farewell my darling Adèle« I said as I glanced towards the nursery No
thought could be admitted of entering to embrace her I had to deceive a fine
ear for aught I knew it might now be listening
I would have got past Mr Rochesters chamber without a pause but my heart
momentarily stopping its beat at that threshold my foot was forced to stop
also No sleep was there the inmate was walking restlessly from wall to wall
and again and again he sighed while I listened There was a heaven a temporary
heaven in this room for me if I chose I had but to go in and to say
»Mr Rochester I will love you and live with you through life till death«
and a fount of rapture would spring to my lips I thought of this
That kind master who could not sleep now was waiting with impatience for
day He would send for me in the morning I should be gone He would have me
sought for vainly He would feel himself forsaken his love rejected he would
suffer perhaps grow desperate I thought of this too My hand moved towards the
lock I caught it back and glided on
Drearily I wound my way down stairs I knew what I had to do and I did it
mechanically I sought the key of the sidedoor in the kitchen I sought too a
phial of oil and a feather I oiled the key and the lock I got some water I
got some bread for perhaps I should have to walk far and my strength sorely
shaken of late must not break down All this I did without one sound I opened
the door passed out shut it softly Dim dawn glimmered in the yard The great
gates were closed and locked but a wicket in one of them was only latched
Through that I departed it too I shut and now I was out of Thornfield
A mile off beyond the fields lay a road which stretched in the contrary
direction to Millcote a road I had never travelled but often noticed and
wondered where it led thither I bent my steps No reflection was to be allowed
now not one glance was to be cast back not even one forward Not one thought
was to be given either to the past or the future The first was a page so
heavenly sweet so deadly sad that to read one line of it would dissolve my
courage and break down my energy The last was an awful blank something like
the world when the deluge was gone by
I skirted fields and hedges and lanes till after sunrise I believe it
was a lovely summer morning I know my shoes which I had put on when I left the
house were soon wet with dew But I looked neither to rising sun nor smiling
sky nor wakening nature He who is taken out to pass through a fair scene to
the scaffold thinks not of the flowers that smile on his road but of the block
and axeedge of the disseverment of bone and vein of the grave gaping at the
end and I thought of drear flight and homeless wandering and oh with agony
I thought of what I left I could not help it I thought of him now in his
room watching the sunrise hoping I should soon come to say I would stay with
him and be his I longed to be his I panted to return it was not too late I
could yet spare him the bitter pang of bereavement As yet my flight I was
sure was undiscovered I could go back and be his comforter his pride his
redeemer from misery perhaps from ruin Oh that fear of his selfabandonment
far worse than my abandonment how it goaded me It was a barbed arrowhead in
my breast it tore me when I tried to extract it it sickened me when
Remembrance thrust it further in Birds began singing in brake and copse birds
were faithful to their mates birds were emblems of love What was I In the
midst of my pain of heart and frantic effort of principle I abhorred myself I
had no solace from selfapprobation none even from selfrespect I had injured
wounded left my master I was hateful in my own eyes Still I could not
turn nor retrace one step God must have led me on As to my own will or
conscience impassioned grief had trampled one and stifled the other I was
weeping wildly as I walked along my solitary way fast fast I went like one
delirious A weakness beginning inwardly extending to the limbs seized me
and I fell I lay on the ground some minutes pressing my face to the wet turf
I had some fear or hope that here I should die but I was soon up crawling
forwards on my hands and knees and then again raised to my feet as eager and
as determined as ever to reach the road
When I got there I was forced to sit to rest me under the hedge and while I
sat I heard wheels and saw a coach come on I stood up and lifted my hand it
stopped I asked where it was going the driver named a place a long way off
and where I was sure Mr Rochester had no connexions I asked for what sum he
would take me there he said thirty shillings I answered I had but twenty
well he would try to make it do He further gave me leave to get into the
inside as the vehicle was empty I entered was shut in and it rolled on its
way
Gentle reader may you never feel what I then felt May your eyes never shed
such stormy scalding heartwrung tears as poured from mine May you never
appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my
lips for never may you like me dread to be the instrument of evil to what you
wholly love
Chapter XXVIII
Two days are passed It is a summer evening the coachman has set me down at a
place called Whitcross he could take me no farther for the sum I had given and
I was not possessed of another shilling in the world The coach is a mile off by
this time I am alone At this moment I discover that I forgot to take my parcel
out of the pocket of the coach where I had placed it for safety there it
remains there it must remain and now I am absolutely destitute
Whitcross is no town nor even a hamlet it is but a stone pillar set up
where four roads meet whitewashed I suppose to be more obvious at a distance
and in darkness Four arms spring from its summit the nearest town to which
these point is according to the inscription distant ten miles the farthest
above twenty From the wellknown names of these towns I learn in what county I
have lighted a northmidland shire dusk with moorland ridged with mountain
this I see There are great moors behind and on each hand of me there are waves
of mountains far beyond that deep valley at my feet The population here must be
thin and I see no passengers on these roads they stretch out east west
north and south white broad lonely they are all cut in the moor and the
heather grows deep and wild to their very verge Yet a chance traveller might
pass by and I wish no eye to see me now strangers would wonder what I am
doing lingering here at the signpost evidently objectless and lost I might
be questioned I could give no answer but what would sound incredible and
excite suspicion Not a tie holds me to human society at this moment not a
charm or hope calls me where my fellowcreatures are none that saw me would
have a kind thought or a good wish for me I have no relative but the universal
mother nature I will seek her breast and ask repose
I struck straight into the heath I held on to a hollow I saw deeply
furrowing the brown moorside I waded kneedeep in its dark growth I turned
with its turnings and finding a mossblackened granite crag in a hidden angle
I sat down under it High banks of moor were about me the crag protected my
head the sky was over that
Some time passed before I felt tranquil even here I had a vague dread that
wild cattle might be near or that some sportsman or poacher might discover me
If a gust of wind swept the waste I looked up fearing it was the rush of a
bull if a plover whistled I imagined it a man Finding my apprehensions
unfounded however and calmed by the deep silence that reigned as evening
declined to nightfall I took confidence As yet I had not thought I had only
listened watched dreaded now I regained the faculty of reflection
What was I to do Where to go Oh intolerable questions when I could do
nothing and go nowhere when a long way must yet be measured by my weary
trembling limbs before I could reach human habitation when cold charity must
be entreated before I could get a lodging reluctant sympathy importuned almost
certain repulse incurred before my tale could be listened to or one of my
wants relieved
I touched the heath it was dry and yet warm with the heat of the
summerday I looked at the sky it was pure a kindly star twinkled just above
the chasm ridge The dew fell but with propitious softness no breeze
whispered Nature seemed to me benign and good I thought she loved me outcast
as I was and I who from man could anticipate only mistrust rejection insult
clung to her with filial fondness Tonight at least I would be her guest as
I was her child my mother would lodge me without money and without price I had
one morsel of bread yet the remnant of a roll I had bought in a town we passed
through at noon with a stray penny my last coin I saw ripe bilberries
gleaming here and there like jet beads in the heath I gathered a handful and
ate them with the bread My hunger sharp before was if not satisfied
appeased by this hermits meal I said my evening prayers at its conclusion and
then chose my couch
Beside the crag the heath was very deep when I lay down my feet were
buried in it rising high on each side it left only a narrow space for the
nightair to invade I folded my shawl double and spread it over me for a
coverlet a low mossy swell was my pillow Thus lodged I was not at least at
the commencement of the night cold
My rest might have been blissful enough only a sad heart broke it It
plained of its gaping wounds its inward bleeding its riven chords It trembled
for Mr Rochester and his doom it bemoaned him with bitter pity it demanded
him with ceaseless longing and impotent as a bird with both wings broken it
still quivered its shattered pinions in vain attempts to seek him
Worn out with this torture of thought I rose to my knees Night was come
and her planets were risen a safe still night too serene for the
companionship of fear We know that God is everywhere but certainly we feel His
presence most when His works are on the grandest scale spread before us and it
is in the unclouded nightsky where His worlds wheel their silent course that
we read clearest His infinitude His omnipotence His omnipresence I had risen
to my knees to pray for Mr Rochester Looking up I with teardimmed eyes saw
the mighty milkyway Remembering what it was what countless systems there
swept space like a soft trace of light I felt the might and strength of God
Sure was I of His efficiency to save what He had made convinced I grew that
neither earth should perish nor one of the souls it treasured I turned my
prayer to thanksgiving the Source of Life was also the Saviour of spirits Mr
Rochester was safe he was Gods and by God would he be guarded I again nestled
to the breast of the hill and ere long in sleep forgot sorrow
But next day Want came to me pale and bare Long after the little birds
had left their nests long after bees had come in the sweet prime of day to
gather the heath honey before the dew was dried when the long morning shadows
were curtailed and the sun filled earth and sky I got up and I looked round
me
What a still hot perfect day What a golden desert this spreading moor
Everywhere sunshine I wished I could live in it and on it I saw a lizard run
over the crag I saw a bee busy among the sweet bilberries I would fain at the
moment have become bee or lizard that I might have found fitting nutriment
permanent shelter here But I was a human being and had a human beings wants
I must not linger where there was nothing to supply them I rose I looked back
at the bed I had left Hopeless of the future I wished but this that my Maker
had that night thought good to require my soul of me while I slept and that
this weary frame absolved by death from further conflict with fate had now but
to decay quietly and mingle in peace with the soil of this wilderness Life
however was yet in my possession with all its requirements and pains and
responsibilities The burden must be carried the want provided for the
suffering endured the responsibility fulfilled I set out
Whitcross regained I followed a road which led from the sun now fervent
and high By no other circumstance had I will to decide my choice I walked a
long time and when I thought I had nearly done enough and might
conscientiously yield to the fatigue that almost overpowered me might relax
this forced action and sitting down on a stone I saw near submit resistlessly
to the apathy that clogged heart and limb I heard a bell chime a church
bell
I turned in the direction of the sound and there amongst the romantic
hills whose changes and aspect I had ceased to note an hour ago I saw a hamlet
and a spire All the valley at my right hand was full of pasturefields and
cornfields and wood and a glittering stream ran zigzag through the varied
shades of green the mellowing grain the sombre woodland the clear and sunny
lea Recalled by the rumbling of wheels to the road before me I saw a
heavilyladen waggon labouring up the hill and not far beyond were two cows and
their drover Human life and human labour were near I must struggle on strive
to live and bend to toil like the rest
About two oclock PM I entered the village At the bottom of its one
street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window I
coveted a cake of bread With that refreshment I could perhaps regain a degree
of energy without it it would be difficult to proceed The wish to have some
strength and some vigour returned to me as soon as I was amongst my
fellowbeings I felt it would be degrading to faint with hunger on the causeway
of a hamlet Had 4I nothing about me I could offer in exchange for one of these
rolls I considered I had a small silk handkerchief tied round my throat I had
my gloves I could hardly tell how men and women in extremities of destitution
proceeded I did not know whether either of these articles would be accepted
probably they would not but I must try
I entered the shop a woman was there Seeing a respectablydressed person
a lady as she supposed she came forward with civility How could she serve me
I was seized with shame my tongue would not utter the request I had prepared I
dared not offer her the halfworn gloves the creased handkerchief besides I
felt it would be absurd I only begged permission to sit down a moment as I was
tired Disappointed in the expectation of a customer she coolly acceded to my
request She pointed to a seat I sank into it I felt sorely urged to weep but
conscious how unseasonable such a manifestation would be I restrained it Soon
I asked her »if there were any dressmaker or plainworkwoman in the village«
»Yes two or three Quite as many as there was employment for«
I reflected I was driven to the point now I was brought face to face with
Necessity I stood in the position of one without a resource without a friend
without a coin I must do something What I must apply somewhere Where
»Did she know of any place in the neighbourhood where a servant was wanted«
»Nay she couldnt say«
»What was the chief trade in this place What did most of the people do«
»Some were farm labourers a good deal worked at Mr Olivers
needlefactory and at the foundry«
»Did Mr Oliver employ women«
»Nay it was mens work«
»And what do the women do«
»I knawnt« was the answer »Some does one thing and some another Poor
folk mun get on as they can«
She seemed to be tired of my questions and indeed what claim had I to
importune her A neighbour or two came in my chair was evidently wanted I took
leave
I passed up the street looking as I went at all the houses to the right
hand and to the left but I could discover no pretext nor see an inducement to
enter any I rambled round the hamlet going sometimes to a little distance and
returning again for an hour or more Much exhausted and suffering greatly now
for want of food I turned aside into a lane and sat down under the hedge Ere
many minutes had elapsed I was again on my feet however and again searching
something a resource or at least an informant A pretty little house stood at
the top of the lane with a garden before it exquisitely neat and brilliantly
blooming I stopped at it What business had I to approach the white door or
touch the glittering knocker In what way could it possibly be the interest of
the inhabitants of that dwelling to serve me Yet I drew near and knocked A
mildlooking cleanlyattired young woman opened the door In such a voice as
might be expected from a hopeless heart and fainting frame a voice wretchedly
low and faltering I asked if a servant was wanted here
»No« said she »we do not keep a servant«
»Can you tell me where I could get employment of any kind« I continued »I
am a stranger without acquaintance in this place I want some work no matter
what«
But it was not her business to think for me or to seek a place for me
besides in her eyes how doubtful must have appeared my character position
tale She shook her head she was sorry she could give me no information and
the white door closed quite gently and civilly but it shut me out If she had
held it open a little longer I believe I should have begged a piece of bread
for I was now brought low
I could not bear to return to the sordid village where besides no
prospect of aid was visible I should have longed rather to deviate to a wood I
saw not far off which appeared in its thick shade to offer inviting shelter
but I was so sick so weak so gnawed with natures cravings instinct kept me
roaming round abodes where there was a chance of food Solitude would be no
solitude rest no rest while the vulture hunger thus sank beak and talons
in my side
I drew near houses I left them and came back again and again I wandered
away always repelled by the consciousness of having no claim to ask no right
to expect interest in my isolated lot Meantime the afternoon advanced while I
thus wandered about like a lost and starving dog In crossing a field I saw the
churchspire before me I hastened towards it Near the churchyard and in the
middle of a garden stood a wellbuilt though small house which I had no doubt
was the parsonage I remembered that strangers who arrive at a place where they
have no friends and who want employment sometimes apply to the clergyman for
introduction and aid It is the clergymans function to help at least with
advice those who wished to help themselves I seemed to have something like a
right to seek counsel here Renewing then my courage and gathering my feeble
remains of strength I pushed on I reached the house and knocked at the
kitchendoor An old woman opened I asked was this the parsonage
»Yes«
»Was the clergyman in«
»No«
»Would he be in soon«
»No he was gone from home«
»To a distance«
»Not so far happen three mile He had been called away by the sudden death
of his father he was at Marsh End now and would very likely stay there a
fortnight longer«
»Was there any lady of the house«
»Nay there was naught but her and she was housekeeper« and of her
reader I could not bear to ask the relief for want of which I was sinking I
could not yet beg and again I crawled away
Once more I took off my handkerchief once more I thought of the cakes of
bread in the little shop Oh for but a crust for but one mouthful to allay the
pang of famine Instinctively I turned my face again to the village I found the
shop again and I went in and though others were there besides the woman I
ventured the request »Would she give me a roll for this handkerchief«
She looked at me with evident suspicion »Nay she never sold stuff i that
way«
Almost desperate I asked for half a cake she again refused »How could she
tell where I had got the handkerchief« she said
»Would she take my gloves«
»No what could she do with them«
Reader it is not pleasant to dwell on these details Some say there is
enjoyment in looking back to painful experience past but at this day I can
scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude the moral degradation
blent with the physical suffering form too distressing a recollection ever to
be willingly dwelt on I blamed none of those who repulsed me I felt it was
what was to be expected and what could not be helped an ordinary beggar is
frequently an object of suspicion a welldressed beggar inevitably so To be
sure what I begged was employment but whose business was it to provide me with
employment Not certainly that of persons who saw me then for the first time
and who knew nothing about my character And as to the woman who would not take
my handkerchief in exchange for her bread why she was right if the offer
appeared to her sinister or the exchange unprofitable Let me condense now I
am sick of the subject
A little before dark I passed a farmhouse at the open door of which the
farmer was sitting eating his supper of bread and cheese I stopped and said
»Will you give me a piece of bread for I am very hungry« He cast on me a
glance of surprise but without answering he cut a thick slice from his loaf
and gave it to me I imagine he did not think I was a beggar but only an
eccentric sort of lady who had taken a fancy to his brown loaf As soon as I
was out of sight of his house I sat down and ate it
I could not hope to get a lodging under a roof and sought it in the wood I
have before alluded to But my night was wretched my rest broken the ground
was damp the air cold besides intruders passed near me more than once and I
had again and again to change my quarters no sense of safety or tranquillity
befriended me Towards morning it rained the whole of the following day was
wet Do not ask me reader to give a minute account of that day as before I
sought work as before I was repulsed as before I starved but once did food
pass my lips At the door of a cottage I saw a little girl about to throw a mess
of cold porridge into a pig trough »Will you give me that« I asked
She stared at me »Mother« she exclaimed »there is a woman wants me to
give her these porridge«
»Well lass« replied a voice within »give it her if shes a beggar T pig
doesnt want it«
The girl emptied the stiffened mould into my hand and I devoured it
ravenously
As the wet twilight deepened I stopped in a solitary bridlepath which I
had been pursuing an hour or more
»My strength is quite failing me« I said in soliloquy »I feel I cannot go
much further Shall I be an outcast again this night While the rain descends
so must I lay my head on the cold drenched ground I fear I cannot do
otherwise for who will receive me But it will be very dreadful with this
feeling of hunger faintness chill and this sense of desolation this total
prostration of hope In all likelihood though I should die before morning And
why cannot I reconcile myself to the prospect of death Why do I struggle to
retain a valueless life Because I know or believe Mr Rochester is still
living and then to die of want and cold is a fate to which nature cannot
submit passively Oh Providence sustain me a little longer Aid direct me«
My glazed eye wandered over the dim and misty landscape I saw I had strayed
far from the village it was quite out of sight The very cultivation
surrounding it had disappeared I had by crossways and bypaths once more
drawn near the tract of moorland and now only a few fields almost as wild and
unproductive as the heath from which they were scarcely reclaimed lay between
me and the dusky hill
»Well I would rather die yonder than in a street or on a frequented road«
I reflected »And far better that crows and ravens if any ravens there be in
these regions should pick my flesh from my bones than that they should be
prisoned in a workhouse coffin and moulder in a paupers grave«
To the hill then I turned I reached it It remained now only to find a
hollow where I could lie down and feel at least hidden if not secure but all
the surface of the waste looked level It showed no variation but of tint
green where rush and moss overgrew the marshes black where the dry soil bore
only heath Dark as it was getting I could still see these changes though but
as mere alternations of light and shade for colour had faded with the daylight
My eye still roved over the sullen swell and along the mooredge vanishing
amidst the wildest scenery when at one dim point far in among the marshes and
the ridges a light sprang up »That is an ignis fatuus« was my first thought
and I expected it would soon vanish It burnt on however quite steadily
neither receding nor advancing »Is it then a bonfire just kindled« I
questioned I watched to see whether it would spread but no as it did not
diminish so it did not enlarge »It may be a candle in a house« I then
conjectured »but if so I can never reach it It is much too far away and were
it within a yard of me what would it avail I should but knock at the door to
have it shut in my face«
And I sank down where I stood and hid my face against the ground I lay
still a while the nightwind swept over the hill and over me and died moaning
in the distance the rain fell fast wetting me afresh to the skin Could I but
have stiffened to the still frost the friendly numbness of death it might
have pelted on I should not have felt it but my yet living flesh shuddered to
its chilling influence I rose ere long
The light was yet there shining dim but constant through the rain I
tried to walk again I dragged my exhausted limbs slowly towards it It led me
aslant over the hill through a wide bog which would have been impassable in
winter and was splashy and shaking even now in the height of summer Here I
fell twice but as often I rose and rallied my faculties This light was my
forlorn hope I must gain it
Having crossed the marsh I saw a trace of white over the moor I approached
it it was a road or a track it led straight up to the light which now beamed
from a sort of knoll amidst a clump of trees firs apparently from what I
could distinguish of the character of their forms and foliage through the gloom
My star vanished as I drew near some obstacle had intervened between me and it
I put out my hand to feel the dark mass before me I discriminated the rough
stones of a low wall above it something like palisades and within a high
and prickly hedge I groped on Again a whitish object gleamed before me it was
a gate a wicket it moved on its hinges as I touched it On each side stood a
sable bush holly or yew
Entering the gate and passing the shrubs the silhouette of a house rose to
view black low and rather long but the guiding light shone nowhere All was
obscurity Were the inmates retired to rest I feared it must be so In seeking
the door I turned an angle there shot out the friendly gleam again from the
lozenged panes of a very small latticed window within a foot of the ground
made still smaller by the growth of ivy or some other creeping plant whose
leaves clustered thick over the portion of the house wall in which it was set
The aperture was so screened and narrow that curtain or shutter had been deemed
unnecessary and when I stooped down and put aside the spray of foliage shooting
over it I could see all within I could see clearly a room with a sanded floor
clean scoured a dresser of walnut with pewter plates ranged in rows
reflecting the redness and radiance of a glowing peatfire I could see a clock
a white deal table some chairs The candle whose ray had been my beacon burnt
on the table and by its light an elderly woman somewhat roughlooking but
scrupulously clean like all about her was knitting a stocking
I noticed these objects cursorily only in them there was nothing
extraordinary A group of more interest appeared near the hearth sitting still
amidst the rosy peace and warmth suffusing it Two young graceful women
ladies in every point sat one in a low rockingchair the other on a lower
stool both wore deep mourning of crape and bombazeen which sombre garb
singularly set off very fair necks and faces a large old pointer dog rested its
massive head on the knee of one girl in the lap of the other was cushioned a
black cat
A strange place was this humble kitchen for such occupants Who were they
They could not be the daughters of the elderly person at the table for she
looked like a rustic and they were all delicacy and cultivation I had nowhere
seen such faces as theirs and yet as I gazed on them I seemed intimate with
every lineament I cannot call them handsome they were too pale and grave for
the word as they each bent over a book they looked thoughtful almost to
severity A stand between them supported a second candle and two great volumes
to which they frequently referred comparing them seemingly with the smaller
books they held in their hands like people consulting a dictionary to aid them
in the task of translation This scene was as silent as if all the figures had
been shadows and the firelit apartment a picture so hushed was it I could
hear the cinders fall from the grate the clock tick in its obscure corner and
I even fancied I could distinguish the clickclick of the womans
knittingneedles When therefore a voice broke the strange stillness at last
it was audible enough to me
»Listen Diana« said one of the absorbed students »Franz and old Daniel
are together in the nighttime and Franz is telling a dream from which he has
awakened in terror listen« And in a low voice she read something of which
not one word was intelligible to me for it was in an unknown tongue neither
French nor Latin Whether it were Greek or German I could not tell
»That is strong« she said when she had finished »I relish it« The other
girl who had lifted her head to listen to her sister repeated while she gazed
at the fire a line of what had been read At a later day I knew the language
and the book therefore I will here quote the line though when I first heard
it it was only like a stroke on sounding brass to me conveying no meaning
»Da trat hervor Einer anzusehen wie die Sternen Nacht Good good« she
exclaimed while her dark and deep eye sparkled »There you have a dim and
mighty archangel fitly set before you The line is worth a hundred pages of
fustian Ich wäge die Gedanken in der Schale meines Zornes und die Werke mit dem
Gewichte meines Grimms I like it«
Both were again silent
»Is there ony country where they talk i that way« asked the old woman
looking up from her knitting
»Yes Hannah a far larger country than England where they talk in no
other way«
»Well for sure case I knawnt how they can understand t one t other and
if either o ye went there ye could tell what they said I guess«
»We could probably tell something of what they said but not all for we
are not as clever as you think us Hannah We dont speak German and we cannot
read it without a dictionary to help us«
»And what good does it do you«
»We mean to teach it some time or at least the elements as they say and
then we shall get more money than we do now«
»Varry like but give ower studying yeve done enough for tonight«
»I think we have at least Im tired Mary are you«
»Mortally after all its tough work fagging away at a language with no
master but a lexicon«
»It is especially such a language as this crabbed but glorious Deutsch I
wonder when St John will come home«
»Surely he will not be long now it is just ten« looking at a little gold
watch she drew from her girdle »It rains fast Hannah will you have the
goodness to look at the fire in the parlour«
The woman rose she opened a door through which I dimly saw a passage soon
I heard her stir a fire in an inner room she presently came back
»Ah childer« said she »it fair troubles me to go into yond room now it
looks so lonesome wi the chair empty and set back in a corner«
She wiped her eyes with her apron the two girls grave before looked sad
now
»But he is in a better place« continued Hannah »we shouldnt wish him here
again And then nobody need to have a quieter death nor he had«
»You say he never mentioned us« inquired one of the ladies
»He hadnt time bairn he was gone in a minute was your father He had
been a bit ailing like the day before but naught to signify and when Mr St
John asked if he would like either o ye to be sent for he fair laughed at him
He began again with a bit of a heaviness in his head the next day that is a
fortnight sin and he went to sleep and niver wakened he wor amost stark
when your brother went into t chamber and fand him Ah childer thats t last
o t old stock for ye and Mr St John is like of a different soart to them
ats gone for all your mother wor mich i your way and amost as
booklearned She wor the pictur o ye Mary Diana is more like your father«
I thought them so similar I could not tell where the old servant for such I
now concluded her to be saw the difference Both were fair complexioned and
slenderly made both possessed faces full of distinction and intelligence One
to be sure had hair a shade darker than the other and there was a difference
in their style of wearing it Marys pale brown locks were parted and braided
smooth Dianas duskier tresses covered her neck with thick curls The clock
struck ten
»Yell want your supper Im sure« observed Hannah »and so will Mr St
John when he comes in«
And she proceeded to prepare the meal The ladies rose they seemed about to
withdraw to the parlour Till this moment I had been so intent on watching
them their appearance and conversation had excited in me so keen an interest I
had halfforgotten my own wretched position now it recurred to me More
desolate more desperate than ever it seemed from contrast And how impossible
did it appear to touch the inmates of this house with concern on my behalf to
make them believe in the truth of my wants and woes to induce them to
vouchsafe a rest for my wanderings As I groped out the door and knocked at it
hesitatingly I felt that last idea to be a mere chimera Hannah opened
»What do you want« she inquired in a voice of surprise as she surveyed me
by the light of the candle she held
»May I speak to your mistresses« I said
»You had better tell me what you have to say to them Where do you come
from«
»I am a stranger«
»What is your business here at this hour«
»I want a nights shelter in an outhouse or anywhere and a morsel of bread
to eat«
Distrust the very feeling I dreaded appeared in Hannahs face »Ill give
you a piece of bread« she said after a pause »but we cant take in a vagrant
to lodge It isnt likely«
»Do let me speak to your mistresses«
»No not I What can they do for you You should not be roving about now it
looks very ill«
»But where shall I go if you drive me away What shall I do«
»Oh Ill warrant you know where to go and what to do Mind you dont do
wrong thats all Here is a penny now go « »A penny cannot feed me and I
have no strength to go farther Dont shut the door oh dont for Gods
sake«
»I must the rain is driving in «
»Tell the young ladies Let me see them «
»Indeed I will not You are not what you ought to be or you wouldnt make
such a noise Move off«
»But I must die if I am turned away«
»Not you Im feard you have some ill plans agate that bring you about
folks houses at this time o night If youve any followers housebreakers or
such like anywhere near you may tell them we are not by ourselves in the
house we have a gentleman and dogs and guns« Here the honest but inflexible
servant clapped the door to and bolted it within
This was the climax A pang of exquisite suffering a throe of true despair
rent and heaved my heart Worn out indeed I was not another step could I
stir I sank on the wet doorstep I groaned I wrung my hands I wept in
utter anguish Oh this spectre of death Oh this last hour approaching in
such horror Alas this isolation this banishment from my kind Not only the
anchor of home but the footing of fortitude was gone at least for a moment
but the last I soon endeavoured to regain
»I can but die« I said »and I believe in God Let me try to wait His will
in silence«
These words I not only thought but uttered and thrusting back all my misery
into my heart I made an effort to compel it to remain there dumb and still
»All men must die« said a voice quite close at hand »but all are not
condemned to meet a lingering and premature doom such as yours would be if you
perished here of want«
»Who or what speaks« I asked terrified at the unexpected sound and
incapable now of deriving from any occurrence a hope of aid A form was near
what form the pitchdark night and my enfeebled vision prevented me from
distinguishing With a loud long knock the new comer appealed to the door
»Is it you Mr St John« cried Hannah
»Yes yes open quickly«
»Well how wet and cold you must be such a wild night as it is Come in
your sisters are quite uneasy about you and I believe there are bad folks
about There has been a beggarwoman I declare she is not gone yet laid
down there Get up for shame Move off I say«
»Hush Hannah I have a word to say to the woman You have done your duty in
excluding now let me do mine in admitting her I was near and listened to both
you and her I think this is a peculiar case I must at least examine into it
Young woman rise and pass before me into the house«
With difficulty I obeyed him Presently I stood within that clean bright
kitchen on the very hearth trembling sickening conscious of an aspect in
the last degree ghastly wild and weatherbeaten The two ladies their
brother Mr St John the old servant were all gazing at me
»St John who is it« I heard one ask
»I cannot tell I found her at the door« was the reply
»She does look white« said Hannah
»As white as clay or death« was responded »She will fall let her sit«
And indeed my head swam I dropped but a chair received me I still
possessed my senses though just now I could not speak
»Perhaps a little water would restore her Hannah fetch some But she is
worn to nothing How very thin and how very bloodless«
»A mere spectre«
»Is she ill or only famished«
»Famished I think Hannah is that milk Give it me and a piece of bread«
Diana I knew her by the long curls which I saw drooping between me and the
fire as she bent over me broke some bread dipped it in milk and put it to my
lips Her face was near mine I saw there was pity in it and I felt sympathy in
her hurried breathing In her simple words too the same balmlike emotion
spoke »Try to eat«
»Yes try« repeated Mary gently and Marys hand removed my sodden bonnet
and lifted my head I tasted what they offered me feebly at first eagerly
soon
»Not too much at first restrain her« said the brother »she has had
enough« And he withdrew the cup of milk and the plate of bread
»A little more St John look at the avidity in her eyes«
»No more at present sister Try if she can speak now ask her her name«
I felt I could speak and I answered »My name is Jane Elliott« Anxious as
ever to avoid discovery I had before resolved to assume an alias
»And where do you live Where are your friends«
I was silent
»Can we send for any one you know«
I shook my head
»What account can you give of yourself«
Somehow now that I had once crossed the threshold of this house and once
was brought face to face with its owners I felt no longer outcast vagrant and
disowned by the wide world I dared to put off the mendicant to resume my
natural manner and character I began once more to know myself and when Mr St
John demanded an account which at present I was far too weak to render I
said after a brief pause
»Sir I can give you no details tonight«
»But what then« said he »do you expect me to do for you«
»Nothing« I replied My strength sufficed for but short answers Diana took
the word
»Do you mean« she asked »that we have now given you what aid you require
and that we may dismiss you to the moor and the rainy night«
I looked at her She had I thought a remarkable countenance instinct both
with power and goodness I took sudden courage Answering her compassionate gaze
with a smile I said »I will trust you If I were a masterless and stray dog I
know that you would not turn me from your hearth tonight as it is I really
have no fear Do with me and for me as you like but excuse me from much
discourse my breath is short I feel a spasm when I speak« All three
surveyed me and all three were silent
»Hannah« said Mr St John at last »let her sit there at present and ask
her no questions in ten minutes more give her the remainder of that milk and
bread Mary and Diana let us go into the parlour and talk the matter over«
They withdrew Very soon one of the ladies returned I could not tell
which A kind of pleasant stupor was stealing over me as I sat by the genial
fire In an under tone she gave some directions to Hannah Ere long with the
servants aid I contrived to mount a staircase my dripping clothes were
removed soon a warm dry bed received me I thanked God experienced amidst
unutterable exhaustion a glow of grateful joy and slept
Chapter XXIX
The recollection of about three days and nights succeeding this is very dim in
my mind I can recall some sensations felt in that interval but few thoughts
framed and no actions performed I knew I was in a small room and in a narrow
bed To that bed I seemed to have grown I lay on it motionless as a stone and
to have torn me from it would have been almost to kill me I took no note of the
lapse of time of the change from morning to noon from noon to evening I
observed when any one entered or left the apartment I could even tell who they
were I could understand what was said when the speaker stood near to me but I
could not answer to open my lips or move my limbs was equally impossible
Hannah the servant was my most frequent visitor Her coming disturbed me I
had a feeling that she wished me away that she did not understand me or my
circumstances that she was prejudiced against me Diana and Mary appeared in
the chamber once or twice a day They would whisper sentences of this sort at my
bedside
»It is very well we took her in«
»Yes she would certainly have been found dead at the door in the morning
had she been left out all night I wonder what she has gone through«
»Strange hardships I imagine poor emaciated pallid wanderer«
»She is not an uneducated person I should think by her manner of speaking
her accent was quite pure and the clothes she took off though splashed and
wet were little worn and fine«
»She has a peculiar face fleshless and haggard as it is I rather like it
and when in good health and animated I can fancy her physiognomy would be
agreeable«
Never once in their dialogues did I hear a syllable of regret at the
hospitality they had extended to me or of suspicion of or aversion to myself
I was comforted
Mr St John came but once he looked at me and said my state of lethargy
was the result of reaction from excessive and protracted fatigue He pronounced
it needless to send for a doctor nature he was sure would manage best left
to herself He said every nerve had been overstrained in some way and the whole
system must sleep torpid a while There was no disease He imagined my recovery
would be rapid enough when once commenced These opinions he delivered in a few
words in a quiet low voice and added after a pause in the tone of a man
little accustomed to expansive comment »rather an unusual physiognomy
certainly not indicative of vulgarity or degradation«
»Far otherwise« responded Diana »To speak truth St John my heart rather
warms to the poor little soul I wish we may be able to benefit her
permanently«
»That is hardly likely« was the reply »You will find she is some young
lady who has had a misunderstanding with her friends and has probably
injudiciously left them We may perhaps succeed in restoring her to them if
she is not obstinate but I trace lines of force in her face which make me
sceptical of her tractability« He stood considering me some minutes then
added »She looks sensible but not at all handsome«
»She is so ill St John«
»Ill or well she would always be plain The grace and harmony of beauty are
quite wanting in those features«
On the third day I was better on the fourth I could speak move rise in
bed and turn Hannah had brought me some gruel and dry toast about as I
supposed the dinner hour I had eaten with relish the food was good void of
the feverish flavour which had hitherto poisoned what I had swallowed When she
left me I felt comparatively strong and revived ere long satiety of repose
and desire for action stirred me I wished to rise but what could I put on
Only my damp and bemired apparel in which I had slept on the ground and fallen
in the marsh I felt ashamed to appear before my benefactors so clad I was
spared the humiliation
On a chair by the bedside were all my own things clean and dry My black
silk frock hung against the wall The traces of the bog were removed from it
the creases left by the wet smoothed out it was quite decent My very shoes and
stockings were purified and rendered presentable There were the means of
washing in the room and a comb and brush to smooth my hair After a weary
process and resting every five minutes I succeeded in dressing myself My
clothes hung loose on me for I was much wasted but I covered deficiencies with
a shawl and once more clean and respectablelooking no speck of the dirt no
trace of the disorder I so hated and which seemed so to degrade me left I
crept down a stone staircase with the aid of the banisters to a narrow low
passage and found my way presently to the kitchen
It was full of the fragrance of new bread and the warmth of a generous
fire Hannah was baking Prejudices it is well known are most difficult to
eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilized by
education they grow there firm as weeds among stones Hannah had been cold and
stiff indeed at the first latterly she had begun to relent a little and when
she saw me come in tidy and welldressed she even smiled
»What you have got up« she said »You are better then You may sit you
down in my chair on the hearthstone if you will«
She pointed to the rocking chair I took it She bustled about examining me
every now and then with the corner of her eye Turning to me as she took some
loaves from the oven she asked bluntly
»Did you ever go abegging afore you came here«
I was indignant for a moment but remembering that anger was out of the
question and that I had indeed appeared as a beggar to her I answered quietly
but still not without a certain marked firmness
»You are mistaken in supposing me a beggar I am no beggar any more than
yourself or your young ladies«
After a pause she said »I dunnut understand that youve like no house
nor no brass I guess«
»The want of house or brass by which I suppose you mean money does not
make a beggar in your sense of the word«
»Are you booklearned« she inquired presently
»Yes very«
»But youve never been to a boardingschool«
»I was at a boardingschool eight years«
She opened her eyes wide »Whatever cannot ye keep yourself for then«
»I have kept myself and I trust shall keep myself again What are you
going to do with these gooseberries« I inquired as she brought out a basket of
the fruit
»Makem into pies«
»Give them to me and Ill pick them«
»Nay I dunnut want ye to do nought«
»But I must do something Let me have them«
She consented and she even brought me a clean towel to spread over my
dress »lest« as she said »I should mucky it«
»Yeve not been used to sarvants wark I see by your hands« she remarked
»Happen yeve been a dressmaker«
»No you are wrong And now never mind what I have been dont trouble
your head further about me but tell me the name of the house where we are«
»Some calls it MarshEnd and some calls it MoorHouse«
»And the gentleman who lives here is called Mr St John«
»Nay he doesnt live here he is only staying a while
When he is at home he is in his own parish at Morton«
»That village a few miles off«
»Aye«
»And what is he«
»He is a parson«
I remembered the answer of the old housekeeper at the parsonage when I had
asked to see the clergyman »This then was his fathers residence«
»Aye old Mr Rivers lived here and his father and grandfather and gurt
great grandfather afore him«
»The name then of that gentleman is Mr St John Rivers«
»Aye St John is like his kirstened name«
»And his sisters are called Diana and Mary Rivers«
»Yes«
»Their father is dead«
»Dead three weeks sin of a stroke«
»They have no mother«
»The mistress has been dead this mony a year«
»Have you lived with the family long«
»Ive lived here thirty year I nursed them all three«
»That proves you must have been an honest and faithful servant I will say
so much for you though you have had the incivility to call me a beggar«
She again regarded me with a surprised stare »I believe« she said »I was
quite mistaen in my thoughts of you but there is so mony cheats goes about
you mun forgie me«
»And though« I continued rather severely »you wished to turn me from the
door on a night when you should not have shut out a dog«
»Well it was hard but what can a body do I thought more o th childer
nor of mysel poor things Theyve like nobody to tak care on em but me Im
like to look sharpish«
I maintained a grave silence for some minutes
»You munnut think too hardly of me« she again remarked
»But I do think hardly of you« I said »and Ill tell you why not so much
because you refused to give me shelter or regarded me as an impostor as
because you just now made it a species of reproach that I had no brass and no
house Some of the best people that ever lived have been as destitute as I am
and if you are a Christian you ought not to consider poverty a crime«
»No more I ought« said she »Mr St John tells me so too and I see I wor
wrang but Ive clear a different notion on you now to what I had You look a
raight down dacent little crater«
»That will do I forgive you now Shake hands«
She put her floury and horny hand into mine another and heartier smile
illumined her rough face and from that moment we were friends
Hannah was evidently fond of talking While I picked the fruit and she made
the paste for the pies she proceeded to give me sundry details about her
deceased master and mistress and the childer as she called the young people
Old Mr Rivers she said was a plain man enough but a gentleman and of as
ancient a family as could be found MarshEnd had belonged to the Rivers ever
since it was a house and it was she affirmed »aboon two hundred year old
for all it looked but a small humble place naught to compare wi Mr Olivers
grand hall down i Morton Vale But she could remember Bill Olivers father a
journeyman needlemaker and th Rivers wor gentry i th owd days o th
Henrys as onybody might see by looking into th registers i Morton Church
vestry« Still she allowed »the owd maister was like other folk naught mich
out o t common way stark mad o shooting and farming and sich like« The
mistress was different She was a great reader and studied a deal and the
bairns had taken after her There was nothing like them in these parts nor ever
had been they had liked learning all three almost from the time they could
speak and they had always been of a mak of their own Mr St John when he
grew up would go to college and be a parson and the girls as soon as they
left school would seek places as governesses for they had told her their
father had some years ago lost a great deal of money by a man he had trusted
turning bankrupt and as he was now not rich enough to give them fortunes they
must provide for themselves They had lived very little at home for a long
while and were only come now to stay a few weeks on account of their fathers
death but they did so like MarshEnd and Morton and all these moors and hills
about They had been in London and many other grand towns but they always said
there was no place like home and then they were so agreeable with each other
never fell out nor threaped She did not know where there was such a family for
being united
Having finished my task of gooseberry picking I asked where the two ladies
and their brother were now
»Gone over to Morton for a walk but they would be back in half an hour to
tea«
They returned within the time Hannah had allotted them they entered by the
kitchen door Mr St John when he saw me merely bowed and passed through the
two ladies stopped Mary in a few words kindly and calmly expressed the
pleasure she felt in seeing me well enough to be able to come down Diana took
my hand she shook her head at me
»You should have waited for my leave to descend« she said »You still look
very pale and so thin Poor child poor girl«
Diana had a voice toned to my ear like the cooing of a dove She possessed
eyes whose gaze I delighted to encounter Her whole face seemed to me full of
charm Marys countenance was equally intelligent her features equally pretty
but her expression was more reserved and her manners though gentle more
distant Diana looked and spoke with a certain authority she had a will
evidently It was my nature to feel pleasure in yielding to an authority
supported like hers and to bend where my conscience and selfrespect
permitted to an active will
»And what business have you here« she continued »It is not your place
Mary and I sit in the kitchen sometimes because at home we like to be free
even to license but you are a visitor and must go into the parlour«
»I am very well here«
»Not at all with Hannah bustling about and covering you with flour«
»Besides the fire is too hot for you« interposed Mary
»To be sure« added her sister »Come you must be obedient« And still
holding my hand she made me rise and led me into the inner room
»Sit there« she said placing me on the sofa »while we take our things off
and get the tea ready it is another privilege we exercise in our little
moorland home to prepare our own meals when we are so inclined or when Hannah
is baking brewing washing or ironing«
She closed the door leaving me solus with Mr St John who sat opposite a
book or newspaper in his hand I examined first the parlour and then its
occupant
The parlour was rather a small room very plainly furnished yet
comfortable because clean and neat The oldfashioned chairs were very bright
and the walnutwood table was like a lookingglass A few strange antique
portraits of the men and women of other days decorated the stained walls a
cupboard with glass doors contained some books and an ancient set of China
There was no superfluous ornament in the room not one modern piece of
furniture save a brace of workboxes and a ladys desk in rosewood which stood
on a sidetable everything including the carpet and curtains looked at once
well worn and well saved
Mr St John sitting as still as one of the dusky pictures on the walls
keeping his eyes fixed on the page he perused and his lips mutely sealed was
easy enough to examine Had he been a statue instead of a man he could not have
been easier He was young perhaps from twentyeight to thirty tall slender
his face riveted the eye it was like a Greek face very pure in outline quite
a straight classic nose quite an Athenian mouth and chin It is seldom
indeed an English face comes so near the antique models as did his He might
well be a little shocked at the irregularity of my lineaments his own being so
harmonious His eyes were large and blue with brown lashes his high forehead
colourless as ivory was partially streaked over by careless locks of fair hair
This is a gentle delineation is it not reader Yet he whom it describes
scarcely impressed one with the idea of a gentle a yielding an impressible or
even of a placid nature Quiescent as he now sat there was something about his
nostril his mouth his brow which to my perceptions indicated elements
within either restless or hard or eager He did not speak to me one word nor
even direct to me one glance till his sisters returned Diana as she passed in
and out in the course of preparing tea brought me a little cake baked on the
top of the oven
»Eat that now« she said »you must be hungry Hannah says you have had
nothing but some gruel since breakfast«
I did not refuse it for my appetite was awakened and keen Mr Rivers now
closed his book approached the table and as he took a seat fixed his blue
pictoriallooking eyes full on me There was an unceremonious directness a
searching decided steadfastness in his gaze now which told that intention and
not diffidence had hitherto kept it averted from the stranger
»You are very hungry« he said
»I am sir« It is my way it always was my way by instinct ever to meet
the brief with brevity the direct with plainness
»It is well for you that a low fever has forced you to abstain for the last
three days there would have been danger in yielding to the cravings of your
appetite at first Now you may eat though still not immoderately«
»I trust I shall not eat long at your expense sir« was my very
clumsilycontrived unpolished answer
»No« he said coolly »when you have indicated to us the residence of your
friends we can write to them and you may be restored to home«
»That I must plainly tell you is out of my power to do being absolutely
without home and friends«
The three looked at me but not distrustfully I felt there was no suspicion
in their glances there was more of curiosity I speak particularly of the young
ladies St Johns eyes though clear enough in a literal sense in a figurative
one were difficult to fathom He seemed to use them rather as instruments to
search other peoples thoughts than as agents to reveal his own the which
combination of keenness and reserve was considerably more calculated to
embarrass than to encourage
»Do you mean to say« he asked »that you are completely isolated from every
connection«
»I do Not a tie links me to any living thing not a claim do I possess to
admittance under any roof in England«
»A most singular position at your age«
Here I saw his glance directed to my hands which were folded on the table
before me I wondered what he sought there his words soon explained the quest
»You have never been married You are a spinster«
Diana laughed »Why she cant be above seventeen or eighteen years old St
John« said she
»I am near nineteen but I am not married No«
I felt a burning glow mount to my face for bitter and agitating
recollections were awakened by the allusion to marriage They all saw the
embarrassment and the emotion Diana and Mary relieved me by turning their eyes
elsewhere than to my crimsoned visage but the colder and sterner brother
continued to gaze till the trouble he had excited forced out tears as well as
colour
»Where did you last reside« he now asked
»You are too inquisitive St John« murmured Mary in a low voice but he
leaned over the table and required an answer by a second firm and piercing
look
»The name of the place where and of the person with whom I lived is my
secret« I replied concisely
»Which if you like you have in my opinion a right to keep both from St
John and every other questioner« remarked Diana
»Yet if I know nothing about you or your history I cannot help you« he
said »And you need help do you not«
»I need it and I seek it so far sir that some true philanthropist will
put me in the way of getting work which I can do and the remuneration for which
will keep me if but in the barest necessaries of life«
»I know not whether I am a true philanthropist yet I am willing to aid you
to the utmost of my power in a purpose so honest First then tell me what you
have been accustomed to do and what you can do«
I had now swallowed my tea I was mightily refreshed by the beverage as
much so as a giant with wine it gave new tone to my unstrung nerves and
enabled me to address this penetrating young judge steadily
»Mr Rivers« I said turning to him and looking at him as he looked at
me openly and without diffidence »you and your sisters have done me a great
service the greatest man can do his fellowbeing you have rescued me by your
noble hospitality from death This benefit conferred gives you an unlimited
claim on my gratitude and a claim to a certain extent on my confidence I will
tell you as much of the history of the wanderer you have harboured as I can
tell without compromising my own peace of mind my own security moral and
physical and that of others
I am an orphan the daughter of a clergyman My parents died before I could
know them I was brought up a dependant educated in a charitable institution I
will even tell you the name of the establishment where I passed six years as a
pupil and two as a teacher Lowood Orphan Asylum shire you will have heard
of it Mr Rivers the Rev Robert Brocklehurst is the treasurer«
»I have heard of Mr Brocklehurst and I have seen the school«
»I left Lowood nearly a year since to become a private governess I obtained
a good situation and was happy This place I was obliged to leave four days
before I came here The reason of my departure I cannot and ought not to
explain it would be useless dangerous and would sound incredible No blame
attached to me I am as free from culpability as any one of you three Miserable
I am and must be for a time for the catastrophe which drove me from a house I
had found a paradise was of a strange and direful nature I observed but two
points in planning my departure speed secrecy to secure these I had to
leave behind me everything I possessed except a small parcel which in my
hurry and trouble of mind I forgot to take out of the coach that brought me to
Whitcross To this neighbourhood then I came quite destitute I slept two
nights in the open air and wandered about two days without crossing a
threshold but twice in that space of time did I taste food and it was when
brought by hunger exhaustion and despair almost to the last gasp that you
Mr Rivers forbade me to perish of want at your door and took me under the
shelter of your roof I know all your sisters have done for me since for I
have not been insensible during my seeming torpor and I owe to their
spontaneous genuine genial compassion as large a debt as to your evangelical
charity«
»Dont make her talk any more now St John« said Diana as I paused »she
is evidently not yet fit for excitement Come to the sofa and sit down now
Miss Elliott«
I gave an involuntary halfstart at hearing the alias I had forgotten my
new name Mr Rivers whom nothing seemed to escape noticed it at once
»You said your name was Jane Elliott« he observed
»I did say so and it is the name by which I think it expedient to be called
at present but it is not my real name and when I hear it it sounds strange to
me«
»Your real name you will not give«
»No I fear discovery above all things and whatever disclosure would lead
to it I avoid«
»You are quite right I am sure« said Diana »Now do brother let her be
at peace a while«
But when St John had mused a few moments he recommenced as imperturbably
and with as much acumen as ever
»You would not like to be long dependent on our hospitality you would
wish I see to dispense as soon as may be with my sisters compassion and
above all with my charity I am quite sensible of the distinction drawn nor do
I resent it it is just you desire to be independent of us«
»I do I have already said so Show me how to work or how to seek work
that is all I now ask then let me go if it be but to the meanest cottage but
till then allow me to stay here I dread another essay of the horrors of
homeless destitution«
»Indeed you shall stay here« said Diana putting her white hand on my
head »You shall« repeated Mary in the tone of undemonstrative sincerity
which seemed natural to her
»My sisters you see have a pleasure in keeping you« said Mr St John »as
they would have a pleasure in keeping and cherishing a halffrozen bird some
wintry wind might have driven through their casement I feel more inclination to
put you in the way of keeping yourself and shall endeavour to do so but
observe my sphere is narrow I am but the incumbent of a poor country parish
my aid must be of the humblest sort And if you are inclined to despise the day
of small things seek some more efficient succour than such as I can offer«
»She has already said that she is willing to do anything honest she can do«
answered Diana for me »and you know St John she has no choice of helpers
she is forced to put up with such crusty people as you«
»I will be a dressmaker I will be a plainworkwoman I will be a servant
a nursegirl if I can be no better« I answered
»Right« said Mr St John quite coolly »If such is your spirit I promise
to aid you in my own time and way«
He now resumed the book with which he had been occupied before tea I soon
withdrew for I had talked as much and sat up as long as my present strength
would permit
Chapter XXX
The more I knew of the inmates of MoorHouse the better I liked them In a few
days I had so far recovered my health that I could sit up all day and walk out
sometimes I could join with Diana and Mary in all their occupations converse
with them as much as they wished and aid them when and where they would allow
me There was a reviving pleasure in this intercourse of a kind now tasted by
me for the first time the pleasure arising from perfect congeniality of
tastes sentiments and principles
I liked to read what they liked to read what they enjoyed delighted me
what they approved I reverenced They loved their sequestered home I too in
the gray small antique structure with its low roof its latticed casements
its mouldering walls its avenue of aged firs all grown aslant under the
stress of mountain winds its garden dark with yew and holly and where no
flowers but of the hardiest species would bloom found a charm both potent and
permanent They clung to the purple moors behind and around their dwelling to
the hollow vale into which the pebbly bridlepath leading from their gate
descended and which wound between fernbanks first and then amongst a few of
the wildest little pasturefields that ever bordered a wilderness of heath or
gave sustenance to a flock of gray moorland sheep with their little mossyfaced
lambs they clung to this scene I say with a perfect enthusiasm of
attachment I could comprehend the feeling and share both its strength and
truth I saw the fascination of the locality I felt the consecration of its
loneliness my eye feasted on the outline of swell and sweep on the wild
colouring communicated to ridge and dell by moss by heathbell by
flowersprinkled turf by brilliant bracken and mellow granite crag These
details were just to me what they were to them so many pure and sweet sources
of pleasure The strong blast and the soft breeze the rough and the halcyon
day the hours of sunrise and sunset the moonlight and the clouded night
developed for me in these regions the same attraction as for them wound
round my faculties the same spell that entranced theirs
Indoors we agreed equally well They were both more accomplished and better
read than I was but with eagerness I followed in the path of knowledge they had
trodden before me I devoured the books they lent me then it was full
satisfaction to discuss with them in the evening what I had perused during the
day Thought fitted thought opinion met opinion we coincided in short
perfectly
If in our trio there was a superior and a leader it was Diana Physically
she far excelled me she was handsome she was vigorous In her animal spirits
there was an affluence of life and certainty of flow such as excited my
wonder while it baffled my comprehension I could talk a while when the evening
commenced but the first gush of vivacity and fluency gone I was fain to sit on
a stool at Dianas feet to rest my head on her knee and listen alternately to
her and Mary while they sounded thoroughly the topic on which I had but
touched Diana offered to teach me German I liked to learn of her I saw the
part of instructress pleased and suited her that of scholar pleased and suited
me no less Our natures dovetailed mutual affection of the strongest kind
was the result They discovered I could draw their pencils and colourboxes
were immediately at my service My skill greater in this one point than theirs
surprised and charmed them Mary would sit and watch me by the hour together
then she would take lessons and a docile intelligent assiduous pupil she
made Thus occupied and mutually entertained days passed like hours and weeks
like days
As to Mr St John the intimacy which had arisen so naturally and rapidly
between me and his sisters did not extend to him One reason of the distance
yet observed between us was that he was comparatively seldom at home a large
proportion of his time appeared devoted to visiting the sick and poor among the
scattered population of his parish
No weather seemed to hinder him in these pastoral excursions rain or fair
he would when his hours of morning study were over take his hat and followed
by his fathers old pointer Carlo go out on his mission of love or duty I
scarcely know in which light he regarded it Sometimes when the day was very
unfavourable his sisters would expostulate He would then say with a peculiar
smile more solemn than cheerful
»And if I let a gust of wind or a sprinkling of rain turn me aside from
these easy tasks what preparation would such sloth be for the future I propose
to myself«
Diana and Marys general answer to this question was a sigh and some
minutes of apparently mournful meditation
But besides his frequent absences there was another barrier to friendship
with him he seemed of a reserved an abstracted and even of a brooding nature
Zealous in his ministerial labours blameless in his life and habits he yet did
not appear to enjoy that mental serenity that inward content which should be
the reward of every sincere Christian and practical philanthropist Often of an
evening when he sat at the window his desk and papers before him he would
cease reading or writing rest his chin on his hand and deliver himself up to I
know not what course of thought but that it was perturbed and exciting might be
seen in the frequent flash and changeful dilation of his eye
I think moreover that Nature was not to him that treasury of delight it
was to his sisters He expressed once and but once in my hearing a strong
sense of the rugged charm of the hills and an inborn affection for the dark
roof and hoary walls he called his home but there was more of gloom than
pleasure in the tone and words in which the sentiment was manifested and never
did he seem to roam the moors for the sake of their soothing silence never
seek out or dwell upon the thousand peaceful delights they could yield
Incommunicative as he was some time elapsed before I had an opportunity of
gauging his mind I first got an idea of its calibre when I heard him preach in
his own church at Morton I wish I could describe that sermon but it is past my
power I cannot even render faithfully the effect it produced on me
It began calm and indeed as far as delivery and pitch of voice went it
was calm to the end an earnestly felt yet strictly restrained zeal breathed
soon in the distinct accents and prompted the nervous language This grew to
force compressed condensed controlled The heart was thrilled the mind
astonished by the power of the preacher neither were softened Throughout
there was a strange bitterness an absence of consolatory gentleness stern
allusions to Calvinistic doctrines election predestination reprobation
were frequent and each reference to these points sounded like a sentence
pronounced for doom When he had done instead of feeling better calmer more
enlightened by his discourse I experienced an inexpressible sadness for it
seemed to me I know not whether equally so to others that the eloquence to
which I had been listening had sprung from a depth where lay turbid dregs of
disappointment where moved troubling impulses of insatiate yearnings and
disquieting aspirations I was sure St John Rivers purelived conscientious
zealous as he was had not yet found that peace of God which passeth all
understanding he had no more found it I thought than had I with my concealed
and racking regrets for my broken idol and lost elysium regrets to which I
have latterly avoided referring but which possessed me and tyrannized over me
ruthlessly
Meantime a month was gone Diana and Mary were soon to leave MoorHouse and
return to the far different life and scene which awaited them as governesses in
a large fashionable southofEngland city where each held a situation in
families by whose wealthy and haughty members they were regarded only as humble
dependants and who neither knew nor sought one of their innate excellences and
appreciated only their acquired accomplishments as they appreciated the skill of
their cook or the taste of their waitingwoman Mr St John had said nothing to
me yet about the employment he had promised to obtain for me yet it became
urgent that I should have a vocation of some kind One morning being left alone
with him a few minutes in the parlour I ventured to approach the windowrecess
which his table chair and desk consecrated as a kind of study and I was
going to speak though not very well knowing in what words to frame my inquiry
for it is at all times difficult to break the ice of reserve glassing over such
natures as his when he saved me the trouble by being the first to commence a
dialogue
Looking up as I drew near »You have a question to ask of me« he said
»Yes I wish to know whether you have heard of any service I can offer
myself to undertake«
»I found or devised something for you three weeks ago but as you seemed
both useful and happy here as my sisters had evidently become attached to you
and your society gave them unusual pleasure I deemed it inexpedient to break
in on your mutual comfort till their approaching departure from MarshEnd
should render yours necessary«
»And they will go in three days now« I said
»Yes and when they go I shall return to the parsonage at Morton Hannah
will accompany me and this old house will be shut up«
I waited a few moments expecting he would go on with the subject first
broached but he seemed to have entered another train of reflection his look
denoted abstraction from me and my business I was obliged to recall him to a
theme which was of necessity one of close and anxious interest to me
»What is the employment you had in view Mr Rivers I hope this delay will
not have increased the difficulty of securing it«
»Oh no since it is an employment which depends only on me to give and you
to accept«
He again paused there seemed a reluctance to continue I grew impatient a
restless movement or two and an eager and exacting glance fastened on his face
conveyed the feeling to him as effectually as words could have done and with
less trouble
»You need be in no hurry to hear« he said »let me frankly tell you I have
nothing eligible or profitable to suggest Before I explain recall if you
please my notice clearly given that if I helped you it must be as the blind
man would help the lame I am poor for I find that when I have paid my
fathers debts all the patrimony remaining to me will be this crumbling grange
the row of scathed firs behind and the patch of moorish soil with the
yewtrees and hollybushes in front I am obscure Rivers is an old name but of
the three sole descendants of the race two earn the dependants crust among
strangers and the third considers himself an alien from his native country
not only for life but in death Yes and deems and is bound to deem himself
honoured by the lot and aspires but after the day when the cross of separation
from fleshly ties shall be laid on his shoulders and when the Head of that
churchmilitant of whose humblest members he is one shall give the word Rise
follow me«
St John said these words as he pronounced his sermons with a quiet deep
voice with an unflushed cheek and a coruscating radiance of glance He
resumed
»And since I am myself poor and obscure I can offer you but a service of
poverty and obscurity You may even think it degrading for I see now your
habits have been what the world calls refined your tastes lean to the ideal
and your society has at least been amongst the educated but I consider that no
service degrades which can better our race I hold that the more arid and
unreclaimed the soil where the Christian labourers task of tillage is appointed
him the scantier the meed his toil brings the higher the honour His under
such circumstances is the destiny of the pioneer and the first pioneers of the
Gospel were the Apostles their captain was Jesus the Redeemer himself«
»Well« I said as he again paused »proceed«
He looked at me before he proceeded indeed he seemed leisurely to read my
face as if its features and lines were characters on a page The conclusions
drawn from this scrutiny he partially expressed in his succeeding observations
»I believe you will accept the post I offer you« said he »and hold it for
a while not permanently though any more than I could permanently keep the
narrow and narrowing the tranquil hidden office of English country incumbent
for in your nature is an alloy as detrimental to repose as that in mine though
of a different kind«
»Do explain« I urged when he halted once more
»I will and you shall hear how poor the proposal is how trivial how
cramping I shall not stay long at Morton now that my father is dead and that
I am my own master I shall leave the place probably in the course of a
twelvemonth but while I do stay I will exert myself to the utmost for its
improvement Morton when I came to it two years ago had no school the
children of the poor were excluded from every hope of progress I established
one for boys I mean now to open a second school for girls I have hired a
building for the purpose with a cottage of two rooms attached to it for the
mistresss house Her salary will be thirty pounds a year her house is already
furnished very simply but sufficiently by the kindness of a lady Miss
Oliver the only daughter of the sole rich man in my parish Mr Oliver the
proprietor of a needlefactory and ironfoundry in the valley The same lady
pays for the education and clothing of an orphan from the workhouse on
condition that she shall aid the mistress in such menial offices connected with
her own house and the school as her occupation of teaching will prevent her
having time to discharge in person Will you be this mistress«
He put the question rather hurriedly he seemed half to expect an indignant
or at least a disdainful rejection of the offer not knowing all my thoughts and
feelings though guessing some he could not tell in what light the lot would
appear to me In truth it was humble but then it was sheltered and I wanted a
safe asylum it was plodding but then compared with that of a governess in a
rich house it was independent and the fear of servitude with strangers entered
my soul like iron it was not ignoble not unworthy not mentally degrading I
made my decision
»I thank you for the proposal Mr Rivers and I accept it with all my
heart«
»But you comprehend me« he said »It is a villageschool your scholars will
be only poor girls cottagers children at the best farmers daughters
Knitting sewing reading writing cyphering will be all you will have to
teach What will you do with your accomplishments What with the largest
portion of your mind sentiments tastes«
»Save them till they are wanted They will keep«
»You know what you undertake then«
»I do«
He now smiled and not a bitter or a sad smile but one well pleased and
deeply gratified
»And when will you commence the exercise of your function«
»I will go to my house tomorrow and open the school if you like next
week«
»Very well so be it«
He rose and walked through the room Standing still he again looked at me
He shook his head
»What do you disapprove of Mr Rivers« I asked
»You will not stay at Morton long no no«
»Why What is your reason for saying so«
»I read it in your eye it is not of that description which promises the
maintenance of an even tenor in life«
»I am not ambitious«
He started at the word »ambitious« He repeated »No What made you think of
ambition Who is ambitious I know I am but how did you find it out«
»I was speaking of myself«
»Well if you are not ambitious you are « He paused
»What«
»I was going to say impassioned but perhaps you would have misunderstood
the word and been displeased I mean that human affections and sympathies have
a most powerful hold on you I am sure you cannot long be content to pass your
leisure in solitude and to devote your working hours to a monotonous labour
wholly void of stimulus any more than I can be content« he added with
emphasis »to live here buried in morass pent in with mountain my nature
that God gave me contravened my faculties heavenbestowed paralyzed made
useless You hear now how I contradict myself I who preached contentment with
a humble lot and justified the vocation even of hewers of wood and drawers of
water in Gods service I his ordained minister almost rave in my
restlessness Well propensities and principles must be reconciled by some
means«
He left the room In this brief hour I had learnt more of him than in the
whole previous month yet still he puzzled me
Diana and Mary Rivers became more sad and silent as the day approached for
leaving their brother and their home They both tried to appear as usual but
the sorrow they had to struggle against was one that could not be entirely
conquered or concealed Diana intimated that this would be a different parting
from any they had ever yet known It would probably as far as St John was
concerned be a parting for years it might be a parting for life
»He will sacrifice all to his longframed resolves« she said »natural
affection and feelings more potent still St John looks quiet Jane but he
hides a fever in his vitals You would think him gentle yet in some things he
is inexorable as death and the worst of it is my conscience will hardly permit
me to dissuade him from his severe decision certainly I cannot for a moment
blame him for it It is right noble Christian yet it breaks my heart« And
the tears gushed to her fine eyes Mary bent her head low over her work
»We are now without father we shall soon be without home and brother« she
murmured
At that moment a little accident supervened which seemed decreed by fate
purposely to prove the truth of the adage that misfortunes never come singly
and to add to their distresses the vexing one of the slip between the cup and
the lip St John passed the window reading a letter He entered
»Our uncle John is dead« said he
Both the sisters seemed struck not shocked or appalled the tidings
appeared in their eyes rather momentous than afflicting
»Dead« repeated Diana
»Yes«
She riveted a searching gaze on her brothers face »And what then« she
demanded in a low voice
»What then Die« he replied maintaining a marble immobility of feature
»What then Why nothing Read«
He threw the letter into her lap She glanced over it and handed it to
Mary Mary perused it in silence and returned it to her brother All three
looked at each other and all three smiled a dreary pensive smile enough
»Amen We can yet live« said Diana at last
»At any rate it makes us no worse off than we were before« remarked Mary
»Only it forces rather strongly on the mind the picture of what might have
been« said Mr Rivers »and contrasts it somewhat too vividly with what is«
He folded the letter locked it in his desk and again went out
For some minutes no one spoke Diana then turned to me
»Jane you will wonder at us and our mysteries« she said »and think us
hardhearted beings not to be more moved at the death of so near a relation as
an uncle but we have never seen him or known him He was my mothers brother
My father and he quarrelled long ago It was by his advice that my father risked
most of his property in the speculation that ruined him Mutual recrimination
passed between them they parted in anger and were never reconciled My uncle
engaged afterwards in more prosperous undertakings it appears he realized a
fortune of twenty thousand pounds He was never married and had no near kindred
but ourselves and one other person not more closely related than we My father
always cherished the idea that he would atone for his error by leaving his
possessions to us that letter informs us that he has bequeathed every penny to
the other relation with the exception of thirty guineas to be divided between
St John Diana and Mary Rivers for the purchase of three mourning rings He
had a right of course to do as he pleased and yet a momentary damp is cast on
the spirits by the receipt of such news Mary and I would have esteemed
ourselves rich with a thousand pounds each and to St John such a sum would have
been valuable for the good it would have enabled him to do«
This explanation given the subject was dropped and no further reference
made to it by either Mr Rivers or his sisters The next day I left MarshEnd
for Morton The day after Diana and Mary quitted it for distant B In a week
Mr Rivers and Hannah repaired to the parsonage and so the old grange was
abandoned
Chapter XXXI
My home then when I at last find a home is a cottage a little room with
whitewashed walls and a sanded floor containing four painted chairs and a
table a clock a cupboard with two or three plates and dishes and a set of
teathings in delf Above a chamber of the same dimensions as the kitchen with
a deal bedstead and chest of drawers small yet too large to be filled with my
scanty wardrobe though the kindness of my gentle and generous friends has
increased that by a modest stock of such things as are necessary
It is evening I have dismissed with the fee of an orange the little
orphan who serves me as a handmaid I am sitting alone on the hearth This
morning the village school opened I had twenty scholars But three of the
number can read none write or cypher Several knit and a few sew a little
They speak with the broadest accent of the district At present they and I have
a difficulty in understanding each others language Some of them are
unmannered rough intractable as well as ignorant but others are docile have
a wish to learn and evince a disposition that pleases me I must not forget
that these coarselyclad little peasants are of flesh and blood as good as the
scions of gentlest genealogy and that the germs of native excellence
refinement intelligence kind feeling are as likely to exist in their hearts
as in those of the bestborn My duty will be to develope these germs surely I
shall find some happiness in discharging that office Much enjoyment I do not
expect in the life opening before me yet it will doubtless if I regulate my
mind and exert my powers as I ought yield me enough to live on from day to
day
Was I very gleeful settled content during the hours I passed in yonder
bare humble schoolroom this morning and afternoon Not to deceive myself I
must reply No I felt desolate to a degree I felt yes idiot that I am I
felt degraded I doubted I had taken a step which sank instead of raising me in
the scale of social existence I was weakly dismayed at the ignorance the
poverty the coarseness of all I heard and saw round me But let me not hate and
despise myself too much for these feelings I know them to be wrong that is a
great step gained I shall strive to overcome them Tomorrow I trust I shall
get the better of them partially and in a few weeks perhaps they will be
quite subdued In a few months it is possible the happiness of seeing
progress and a change for the better in my scholars may substitute
gratification for disgust
Meantime let me ask myself one question Which is better To have
surrendered to temptation listened to passion made no painful effort no
struggle but to have sunk down in the silken snare fallen asleep on the
flowers covering it wakened in a southern clime amongst the luxuries of a
pleasurevilla to have been now living in France Mr Rochesters mistress
delirious with his love half my time for he would oh yes he would have
loved me well for a while He did love me no one will ever love me so again I
shall never more know the sweet homage given to beauty youth and grace for
never to any one else shall I seem to possess these charms He was fond and
proud of me it is what no man besides will ever be But where am I
wandering and what am I saying and above all feeling Whether is it better
I ask to be a slave in a fools paradise at Marseilles fevered with delusive
bliss one hour suffocating with the bitterest tears of remorse and shame the
next or to be a villageschoolmistress free and honest in a breezy mountain
nook in the healthy heart of England
Yes I feel now that I was right when I adhered to principle and law and
scorned and crushed the insane promptings of a frenzied moment God directed me
to a correct choice I thank His providence for the guidance
Having brought my eventide musings to this point I rose went to my door
and looked at the sunset of the harvestday and at the quiet fields before my
cottage which with the school was distant half a mile from the village The
birds were singing their last strains
»The air was mild the dew was balm«
While I looked I thought myself happy and was surprised to find myself ere
long weeping and why For the doom which had reft me from adhesion to my
master for him I was no more to see for the desperate grief and fatal fury
consequences of my departure which might now perhaps be dragging him from
the path of right too far to leave hope of ultimate restoration thither At
this thought I turned my face aside from the lovely sky of eve and lonely vale
of Morton I say lonely for in that bend of it visible to me there was no
building apparent save the church and the parsonage halfhid in trees and
quite at the extremity the roof of ValeHall where the rich Mr Oliver and his
daughter lived I hid my eyes and leant my head against the stone frame of my
door but soon a slight noise near the wicket which shut in my tiny garden from
the meadow beyond it made me look up A dog old Carlo Mr Rivers pointer
as I saw in a moment was pushing the gate with his nose and St John himself
leant upon it with folded arms his brow knit his gaze grave almost to
displeasure fixed on me I asked him to come in
»No I cannot stay I have only brought you a little parcel my sisters left
for you I think it contains a colourbox pencils and paper«
I approached to take it a welcome gift it was He examined my face I
thought with austerity as I came near the traces of tears were doubtless very
visible upon it
»Have you found your first days work harder than you expected« he asked
»Oh no On the contrary I think in time I shall get on with my scholars
very well«
»But perhaps your accommodations your cottage your furniture have
disappointed your expectations They are in truth scanty enough but « I
interrupted
»My cottage is clean and weatherproof my furniture sufficient and
commodious All I see has made me thankful not despondent I am not absolutely
such a fool and sensualist as to regret the absence of a carpet a sofa and
silverplate besides five weeks ago I had nothing I was an outcast a
beggar a vagrant now I have acquaintance a home a business I wonder at the
goodness of God the generosity of my friends the bounty of my lot I do not
repine«
»But you feel solitude an oppression The little house there behind you is
dark and empty«
»I have hardly had time yet to enjoy a sense of tranquillity much less to
grow impatient under one of loneliness«
»Very well I hope you feel the content you express at any rate your good
sense will tell you that it is too soon yet to yield to the vacillating fears of
Lots wife What you had left before I saw you of course I do not know but I
counsel you to resist firmly every temptation which would incline you to look
back pursue your present career steadily for some months at least«
»It is what I mean to do« I answered St John continued
»It is hard work to control the workings of inclination and turn the bent
of nature but that it may be done I know from experience God has given us in
a measure the power to make our own fate and when our energies seem to demand
a sustenance they cannot get when our will strains after a path we may not
follow we need neither starve from inanition nor stand still in despair we
have but to seek another nourishment for the mind as strong as the forbidden
food it longed to taste and perhaps purer and to hew out for the adventurous
foot a road as direct and broad as the one Fortune has blocked up against us if
rougher than it
A year ago I was myself intensely miserable because I thought I had made a
mistake in entering the ministry its uniform duties wearied me to death I
burnt for the more active life of the world for the more exciting toils of a
literary career for the destiny of an artist author orator anything rather
than that of a priest yes the heart of a politician of a soldier of a votary
of glory a lover of renown a luster after power beat under my curates
surplice I considered my life was so wretched it must be changed or I must
die After a season of darkness and struggling light broke and relief fell my
cramped existence all at once spread out to a plain without bounds my powers
heard a call from heaven to rise gather their full strength spread their
wings and mount beyond ken God had an errand for me to bear which afar to
deliver it well skill and strength courage and eloquence the best
qualifications of soldier statesman and orator were all needed for these all
centre in the good missionary
A missionary I resolved to be From that moment my state of mind changed
the fetters dissolved and dropped from every faculty leaving nothing of bondage
but its galling soreness which time only can heal My father indeed opposed
the determination but since his death I have not a legitimate obstacle to
contend with some affairs settled a successor for Morton provided an
entanglement or two of the feelings broken through or cut asunder a last
conflict with human weakness in which I know I shall overcome because I have
vowed that I will overcome and I leave Europe for the East«
He said this in his peculiar subdued yet emphatic voice looking when he
had ceased speaking not at me but at the setting sun at which I looked too
Both he and I had our backs towards the path leading up the field to the wicket
We had heard no step on that grassgrown track the water running in the vale
was the one lulling sound of the hour and scene we might well then start when
a gay voice sweet as a silver bell exclaimed
»Good evening Mr Rivers And good evening old Carlo Your dog is quicker
to recognise his friends than you are sir he pricked his ears and wagged his
tail when I was at the bottom of the field and you have your back towards me
now«
It was true Though Mr Rivers had started at the first of those musical
accents as if a thunderbolt had split a cloud over his head he stood yet at
the close of the sentence in the same attitude in which the speaker had
surprised him his arm resting on the gate his face directed towards the west
He turned at last with measured deliberation A vision as it seemed to me had
risen at his side There appeared within three feet of him a form clad in pure
white a youthful graceful form full yet fine in contour and when after
bending to caress Carlo it lifted up its head and threw back a long veil
there bloomed under his glance a face of perfect beauty Perfect beauty is a
strong expression but I do not retrace or qualify it as sweet features as ever
the temperate clime of Albion moulded as pure hues of rose and lily as ever her
humid gales and vapoury skies generated and screened justified in this
instance the term No charm was wanting no defect was perceptible the young
girl had regular and delicate lineaments eyes shaped and coloured as we see
them in lovely pictures large and dark and full the long and shadowy eyelash
which encircles a fine eye with so soft a fascination the pencilled brow which
gives such clearness the white smooth forehead which adds such repose to the
livelier beauties of tint and ray the cheek oval fresh and smooth the lips
fresh too ruddy healthy sweetly formed the even and gleaming teeth without
flaw the small dimpled chin the ornament of rich plenteous tresses all
advantages in short which combined realize the ideal of beauty were fully
hers I wondered as I looked at this fair creature I admired her with my whole
heart Nature had surely formed her in a partial mood and forgetting her usual
stinted stepmother dole of gifts had endowed this her darling with a
granddames bounty
What did St John Rivers think of this earthly angel I naturally asked
myself that question as I saw him turn to her and look at her and as
naturally I sought the answer to the inquiry in his countenance He had already
withdrawn his eye from the Peri and was looking at a humble tuft of daisies
which grew by the wicket
»A lovely evening but late for you to be out alone« he said as he crushed
the snowy heads of the closed flowers with his foot
»Oh I only came home from S« she mentioned the name of a large town some
twenty miles distant »this afternoon Papa told me you had opened your school
and that the new mistress was come and so I put on my bonnet after tea and ran
up the valley to see her this is she« pointing to me
»It is« said St John
»Do you think you shall like Morton« she asked of me with a direct and
naïve simplicity of tone and manner pleasing if childlike
»I hope I shall I have many inducements to do so«
»Did you find your scholars as attentive as you expected«
»Quite«
»Do you like your house«
»Very much«
»Have I furnished it nicely«
»Very nicely indeed«
»And made a good choice of an attendant for you in Alice Wood«
»You have indeed She is teachable and handy« This then I thought is
Miss Oliver the heiress favoured it seems in the gifts of fortune as well
as in those of nature What happy combination of the planets presided over her
birth I wonder
»I shall come up and help you to teach sometimes« she added »It will be a
change for me to visit you now and then and I like a change Mr Rivers I have
been so gay during my stay at S Last night or rather this morning I was
dancing till two oclock The th regiment are stationed there since the
riots and the officers are the most agreeable men in the world they put all
our young knifegrinders and scissor merchants to shame«
It seemed to me that Mr St Johns under lip protruded and his upper lip
curled a moment His mouth certainly looked a good deal compressed and the
lower part of his face unusually stern and square as the laughing girl gave him
this information He lifted his gaze too from the daisies and turned it on
her An unsmiling a searching a meaning gaze it was She answered it with a
second laugh and laughter well became her youth her roses her dimples her
bright eyes
As he stood mute and grave she again fell to caressing Carlo »Poor Carlo
loves me« said she »He is not stern and distant to his friends and if he
could speak he would not be silent«
As she patted the dogs head bending with native grace before his young and
austere master I saw a glow rise to that masters face I saw his solemn eye
melt with sudden fire and flicker with resistless emotion Flushed and kindled
thus he looked nearly as beautiful for a man as she for a woman His chest
heaved once as if his large heart weary of despotic constriction had
expanded despite the will and made a vigorous bound for the attainment of
liberty But he curbed it I think as a resolute rider would curb a rearing
steed He responded neither by word nor movement to the gentle advances made
him
»Papa says you never come to see us now« continued Miss Oliver looking up
»You are quite a stranger at ValeHall He is alone this evening and not very
well will you return with me and visit him«
»It is not a seasonable hour to intrude on Mr Oliver« answered St John
»Not a seasonable hour But I declare it is It is just the hour when papa
most wants company when the works are closed and he has no business to occupy
him Now Mr Rivers do come Why are you so very shy and so very sombre« She
filled up the hiatus his silence left by a reply of her own
»I forgot« she exclaimed shaking her beautiful curled head as if shocked
at herself »I am so giddy and thoughtless Do excuse me It had slipped my
memory that you have good reasons to be indisposed for joining in my chatter
Diana and Mary have left you and MoorHouse is shut up and you are so lonely
I am sure I pity you Do come and see papa«
»Not tonight Miss Rosamond not tonight«
Mr St John spoke almost like an automaton himself only knew the effort it
cost him thus to refuse
»Well if you are so obstinate I will leave you for I dare not stay any
longer the dew begins to fall Goodevening«
She held out her hand He just touched it »Goodevening« he repeated in a
voice low and hollow as an echo She turned but in a moment returned
»Are you well« she asked Well might she put the question his face was
blanched as her gown
»Quite well« he enunciated and with a bow he left the gate She went one
way he another She turned twice to gaze after him as she tripped fairylike
down the field he as he strode firmly across never turned at all
This spectacle of anothers suffering and sacrifice rapt my thoughts from
exclusive meditation on my own Diana Rivers had designated her brother
inexorable as death She had not exaggerated
Chapter XXXII
I continued the labours of the villageschool as actively and faithfully as I
could It was truly hard work at first Some time elapsed before with all my
efforts I could comprehend my scholars and their nature Wholly untaught with
faculties quite torpid they seemed to me hopelessly dull and at first sight
all dull alike but I soon found I was mistaken There was a difference amongst
them as amongst the educated and when I got to know them and they me this
difference rapidly developed itself Their amazement at me my language my
rules and ways once subsided I found some of these heavylooking gaping
rustics wake up into sharpwitted girls enough Many showed themselves obliging
and amiable too and I discovered amongst them not a few examples of natural
politeness and innate selfrespect as well as of excellent capacity that won
both my goodwill and my admiration These soon took a pleasure in doing their
work well in keeping their persons neat in learning their tasks regularly in
acquiring quiet and orderly manners The rapidity of their progress in some
instances was even surprising and an honest and happy pride I took in it
besides I began personally to like some of the best girls and they liked me I
had amongst my scholars several farmers daughters young women grown almost
These could already read write and sew and to them I taught the elements of
grammar geography history and the finer kinds of needlework I found
estimable characters amongst them characters desirous of information and
disposed for improvement with whom I passed many a pleasant evening hour in
their own homes Their parents then the farmer and his wife loaded me with
attentions There was an enjoyment in accepting their simple kindness and in
repaying it by a consideration a scrupulous regard to their feelings to
which they were not perhaps at all times accustomed and which both charmed
and benefited them because while it elevated them in their own eyes it made
them emulous to merit the deferential treatment they received
I felt I became a favourite in the neighbourhood Whenever I went out I
heard on all sides cordial salutations and was welcomed with friendly smiles
To live amidst general regard though it be but the regard of workingpeople is
like »sitting in sunshine calm and sweet« serene inward feelings bud and bloom
under the ray At this period of my life my heart far oftener swelled with
thankfulness than sank with dejection and yet reader to tell you all in the
midst of this calm this useful existence after a day passed in honourable
exertion amongst my scholars an evening spent in drawing or reading contentedly
alone I used to rush into strange dreams at night dreams manycoloured
agitated full of the ideal the stirring the stormy dreams where amidst
unusual scenes charged with adventure with agitating risk and romantic chance
I still again and again met Mr Rochester always at some exciting crisis and
then the sense of being in his arms hearing his voice meeting his eye
touching his hand and cheek loving him being loved by him the hope of
passing a lifetime at his side would be renewed with all its first force and
fire Then I awoke Then I recalled where I was and how situated Then I rose
up on my curtainless bed trembling and quivering and then the still dark
night witnessed the convulsion of despair and heard the burst of passion By
nine oclock the next morning I was punctually opening the school tranquil
settled prepared for the steady duties of the day
Rosamond Oliver kept her word in coming to visit me Her call at the school
was generally made in the course of her morning ride She would canter up to the
door on her pony followed by a mounted livery servant Anything more exquisite
than her appearance in her purple habit with her Amazons cap of black velvet
placed gracefully above the long curls that kissed her cheek and floated to her
shoulders can scarcely be imagined and it was thus she would enter the rustic
building and glide through the dazzled ranks of the village children She
generally came at the hour when Mr Rivers was engaged in giving his daily
catechising lesson Keenly I fear did the eye of the visitress pierce the
young pastors heart A sort of instinct seemed to warn him of her entrance
even when he did not see it and when he was looking quite away from the door
if she appeared at it his cheek would glow and his marbleseeming features
though they refused to relax changed indescribably and in their very
quiescence became expressive of a repressed fervour stronger than working
muscle or darting glance could indicate
Of course she knew her power indeed he did not because he could not
conceal it from her In spite of his Christian stoicism when she went up and
addressed him and smiled gaily encouragingly even fondly in his face his
hand would tremble and his eye burn He seemed to say with his sad and
resolute look if he did not say it with his lips »I love you and I know you
prefer me It is not despair of success that keeps me dumb If I offered my
heart I believe you would accept it But that heart is already laid on a sacred
altar the fire is arranged round it It will soon be no more than a sacrifice
consumed«
And then she would pout like a disappointed child a pensive cloud would
soften her radiant vivacity she would withdraw her hand hastily from his and
turn in transient petulance from his aspect at once so heroic and so
martyrlike St John no doubt would have given the world to follow recall
retain her when she thus left him but he would not give one chance of Heaven
nor relinquish for the elysium of her love one hope of the true eternal
Paradise Besides he could not bound all that he had in his nature the rover
the aspirant the poet the priest in the limits of a single passion He could
not he would not renounce his wild field of mission warfare for the parlours
and the peace of ValeHall I learnt so much from himself in an inroad I once
despite his reserve had the daring to make on his confidence
Miss Oliver already honoured me with frequent visits to my cottage I had
learnt her whole character which was without mystery or disguise she was
coquettish but not heartless exacting but not worthlessly selfish She had
been indulged from her birth but was not absolutely spoilt She was hasty but
goodhumoured vain she could not help it when every glance in the glass
showed her such a flush of loveliness but not affected liberalhanded
innocent of the pride of wealth ingenuous sufficiently intelligent gay
lively and unthinking she was very charming in short even to a cool observer
of her own sex like me but she was not profoundly interesting or thoroughly
impressive A very different sort of mind was hers from that for instance of
the sisters of St John Still I liked her almost as I liked my pupil Adèle
except that for a child whom we have watched over and taught a closer
affection is engendered than we can give an equally attractive adult
acquaintance
She had taken an amiable caprice to me She said I was like Mr Rivers
only certainly she allowed »not onetenth so handsome though I was a nice
neat little soul enough but he was an angel« I was however good clever
composed and firm like him I was a lusus naturæ she affirmed as a
villageschoolmistress she was sure my previous history if known would make a
delightful romance
One evening while with her usual childlike activity and thoughtless yet
not offensive inquisitiveness she was rummaging the cupboard and the
tabledrawer of my little kitchen she discovered first two French books a
volume of Schiller a German grammar and dictionary and then my
drawingmaterials and some sketches including a pencilhead of a pretty little
cherublike girl one of my scholars and sundry views from nature taken in the
Vale of Morton and on the surrounding moors She was first transfixed with
surprise and then electrified with delight
»Had I done these pictures Did I know French and German What a love what
a miracle I was I drew better than her master in the first school in S Would
I sketch a portrait of her to show to papa«
»With pleasure« I replied and I felt a thrill of artistdelight at the
idea of copying from so perfect and radiant a model She had then on a darkblue
silk dress her arms and her neck were bare her only ornament was her chestnut
tresses which waved over her shoulders with all the wild grace of natural
curls I took a sheet of fine cardboard and drew a careful outline I promised
myself the pleasure of colouring it and as it was getting late then I told
her she must come and sit another day
She made such a report of me to her father that Mr Oliver himself
accompanied her next evening a tall massivefeatured middleaged and
grayheaded man at whose side his lovely daughter looked like a bright flower
near a hoary turret He appeared a taciturn and perhaps a proud personage but
he was very kind to me The sketch of Rosamonds portrait pleased him highly he
said I must make a finished picture of it He insisted too on my coming the
next day to spend the evening at ValeHall
I went I found it a large handsome residence showing abundant evidences
of wealth in the proprietor Rosamond was full of glee and pleasure all the time
I stayed Her father was affable and when he entered into conversation with me
after tea he expressed in strong terms his approbation of what I had done in
Morton school and said he only feared from what he saw and heard I was too
good for the place and would soon quit it for one more suitable
»Indeed« cried Rosamond »she is clever enough to be a governess in a high
family papa«
I thought I would far rather be where I am than in any high family in the
land Mr Oliver spoke of Mr Rivers of the Rivers family with great
respect He said it was a very old name in that neighbourhood that the
ancestors of the house were wealthy that all Morton had once belonged to them
that even now he considered the representative of that house might if he liked
make an alliance with the best He accounted it a pity that so fine and talented
a young man should have formed the design of going out as a missionary it was
quite throwing a valuable life away It appeared then that her father would
throw no obstacle in the way of Rosamonds union with St John Mr Oliver
evidently regarded the young clergymans good birth old name and sacred
profession as sufficient compensation for the want of fortune
It was the 5th of November and a holiday My little servant after helping
me to clean my house was gone well satisfied with the fee of a penny for her
aid All about me was spotless and bright scoured floor polished grate and
well rubbed chairs I had also made myself neat and had now the afternoon
before me to spend as I would
The translation of a few pages of German occupied an hour then I got my
palette and pencils and fell to the more soothing because easier occupation
of completing Rosamond Olivers miniature The head was finished already there
was but the background to tint and the drapery to shade off a touch of
carmine too to add to the ripe lips a soft curl here and there to the
tresses a deeper tinge to the shadow of the lash under the azured eyelid I
was absorbed in the execution of these nice details when after one rapid tap
my door unclosed admitting St John Rivers
»I am come to see how you are spending your holiday« he said »Not I hope
in thought No that is well while you draw you will not feel lonely You see
I mistrust you still though you have borne up wonderfully so far I have
brought you a book for evening solace« and he laid on the table a new
publication a poem one of those genuine productions so often vouchsafed to
the fortunate public of those days the golden age of modern literature Alas
the readers of our era are less favoured But courage I will not pause either
to accuse or repine I know poetry is not dead nor genius lost nor has Mammon
gained power over either to bind or slay they will both assert their
existence their presence their liberty and strength again one day Powerful
angels safe in heaven they smile when sordid souls triumph and feeble ones
weep over their destruction Poetry destroyed Genius banished No Mediocrity
no do not let envy prompt you to the thought No they not only live but
reign and redeem and without their divine influence spread everywhere you
would be in hell the hell of your own meanness
While I was eagerly glancing at the bright pages of Marmion for Marmion it
was St John stooped to examine my drawing His tall figure sprang erect again
with a start he said nothing I looked up at him he shunned my eye I knew his
thoughts well and could read his heart plainly at the moment I felt calmer and
cooler than he I had then temporarily the advantage of him and I conceived an
inclination to do him some good if I could
»With all his firmness and selfcontrol« thought I »he tasks himself too
far locks every feeling and pang within expresses confesses imparts
nothing I am sure it would benefit him to talk a little about this sweet
Rosamond whom he thinks he ought not to marry I will make him talk«
I said first »Take a chair Mr Rivers« But he answered as he always did
that he could not stay »Very well« I responded mentally »stand if you like
but you shall not go just yet I am determined solitude is at least as bad for
you as it is for me Ill try if I cannot discover the secret spring of your
confidence and find an aperture in that marble breast through which I can shed
one drop of the balm of sympathy«
»Is this portrait like« I asked bluntly
»Like Like whom I did not observe it closely«
»You did Mr Rivers«
He almost started at my sudden and strange abruptness he looked at me
astonished »Oh that is nothing yet« I muttered within »I dont mean to be
baffled by a little stiffness on your part Im prepared to go to considerable
lengths« I continued »You observed it closely and distinctly but I have no
objection to your looking at it again« and I rose and placed it in his hand
»A wellexecuted picture« he said »very soft clear colouring very
graceful and correct drawing«
»Yes yes I know all that But what of the resemblance Who is it like«
Mastering some hesitation he answered »Miss Oliver I presume«
»Of course And now sir to reward you for the accurate guess I will
promise to paint you a careful and faithful duplicate of this very picture
provided you admit that the gift would be acceptable to you I dont wish to
throw away my time and trouble on an offering you would deem worthless«
He continued to gaze at the picture the longer he looked the firmer he
held it the more he seemed to covet it »It is like« he murmured »the eye is
well managed the colour light expression are perfect It smiles«
»Would it comfort or would it wound you to have a similar painting Tell me
that When you are at Madagascar or at the Cape or in India would it be a
consolation to have that memento in your possession or would the sight of it
bring recollections calculated to enervate and distress«
He now furtively raised his eyes he glanced at me irresolute disturbed
he again surveyed the picture
»That I should like to have it is certain whether it would be judicious or
wise is another question«
Since I had ascertained that Rosamond really preferred him and that her
father was not likely to oppose the match I less exalted in my views than St
John had been strongly disposed in my own heart to advocate their union It
seemed to me that should he become the possessor of Mr Olivers large fortune
he might do as much good with it as if he went and laid his genius out to
wither and his strength to waste under a tropical sun With this persuasion I
now answered
»As far as I can see it would be wiser and more judicious if you were to
take to yourself the original at once«
By this time he had sat down he had laid the picture on the table before
him and with his brow supported on both hands hung fondly over it I
discerned he was now neither angry nor shocked at my audacity I saw even that
to be thus frankly addressed on a subject he had deemed unapproachable to hear
it thus freely handled was beginning to be felt by him as a new pleasure an
unhopedfor relief Reserved people often really need the frank discussion of
their sentiments and griefs more than the expansive The sternestseeming stoic
is human after all and to burst with boldness and good will into the silent sea
of their souls is often to confer on them the first of obligations
»She likes you I am sure« said I as I stood behind his chair »and her
father respects you Moreover she is a sweet girl rather thoughtless but you
would have sufficient thought for both yourself and her You ought to marry
her«
»Does she like me« he asked
»Certainly better than she likes any one else She talks of you
continually there is no subject she enjoys so much or touches upon so often«
»It is very pleasant to hear this« he said »very go on for another
quarter of an hour« And he actually took out his watch and laid it upon the
table to measure the time
»But where is the use of going on« I asked »when you are probably
preparing some iron blow of contradiction or forging a fresh chain to fetter
your heart«
»Dont imagine such hard things Fancy me yielding and melting as I am
doing human love rising like a freshly opened fountain in my mind and
overflowing with sweet inundation all the field I have so carefully and with
such labour prepared so assiduously sown with the seeds of good intentions of
selfdenying plans And now it is deluged with a nectarous flood the young
germs swamped delicious poison cankering them now I see myself stretched on
an ottoman in the drawingroom at ValeHall at my bride Rosamond Olivers feet
she is talking to me with her sweet voice gazing down on me with those eyes
your skilful hand has copied so well smiling at me with these coral lips She
is mine I am hers this present life and passing world suffice to me Hush
say nothing my heart is full of delight my senses are entranced let the
time I marked pass in peace«
I humoured him the watch ticked on he breathed fast and low I stood
silent Amidst this hush the quarter sped he replaced the watch laid the
picture down rose and stood on the hearth
»Now« said he »that little space was given to delirium and delusion I
rested my temples on the breast of temptation and put my neck voluntarily under
her yoke of flowers I tasted her cup The pillow was burning there is an asp
in the garland the wine has a bitter taste her promises are hollow her
offers false I see and know all this«
I gazed at him in wonder
»It is strange« pursued he »that while I love Rosamond Oliver so wildly
with all the intensity indeed of a first passion the object of which is
exquisitely beautiful graceful and fascinating I experience at the same time
a calm unwarped consciousness that she would not make me a good wife that she
is not the partner suited to me that I should discover this within a year after
marriage and that to twelve months rapture would succeed a lifetime of regret
This I know«
»Strange indeed« I could not help ejaculating
»While something in me« he went on »is acutely sensible to her charms
something else is as deeply impressed with her defects they are such that she
could sympathize in nothing I aspired to cooperate in nothing I undertook
Rosamond a sufferer a labourer a female apostle Rosamond a missionarys wife
No«
»But you need not be a missionary You might relinquish that scheme«
»Relinquish What my vocation My great work My foundation laid on earth
for a mansion in heaven My hopes of being numbered in the band who have merged
all ambitions in the glorious one of bettering their race of carrying
knowledge into the realms of ignorance of substituting peace for war freedom
for bondage religion for superstition the hope of heaven for the fear of
hell Must I relinquish that It is dearer than the blood in my veins It is
what I have to look forward to and to live for«
After a considerable pause I said »And Miss Oliver Are her
disappointment and sorrow of no interest to you«
»Miss Oliver is ever surrounded by suitors and flatterers in less than a
month my image will be effaced from her heart She will forget me and will
marry probably some one who will make her far happier than I should do«
»You speak coolly enough but you suffer in the conflict You are wasting
away«
»No If I get a little thin it is with anxiety about my prospects yet
unsettled my departure continually procrastinated Only this morning I
received intelligence that the successor whose arrival I have been so long
expecting cannot be ready to replace me for three months to come yet and
perhaps the three months may extend to six«
»You tremble and become flushed whenever Miss Oliver enters the
schoolroom«
Again the surprised expression crossed his face He had not imagined that a
woman would dare to speak so to a man For me I felt at home in this sort of
discourse I could never rest in communication with strong discreet and
refined minds whether male or female till I had passed the outworks of
conventional reserve and crossed the threshold of confidence and won a place
by their hearts very hearthstone
»You are original« said he »and not timid There is something brave in
your spirit as well as penetrating in your eye but allow me to assure you that
you partially misinterpret my emotions You think them more profound and potent
than they are You give me a larger allowance of sympathy than I have a just
claim to When I colour and when I shake before Miss Oliver I do not pity
myself I scorn the weakness I know it is ignoble a mere fever of the flesh
not I declare a convulsion of the soul That is just as fixed as a rock firm
set in the depths of a restless sea Know me to be what I am a cold hard
man«
I smiled incredulously
»You have taken my confidence by storm« he continued »and now it is much
at your service I am simply in my original state stripped of that
bloodbleached robe with which Christianity covers human deformity a cold
hard ambitious man Natural affection only of all the sentiments has
permanent power over me Reason and not Feeling is my guide my ambition is
unlimited my desire to rise higher to do more than others insatiable I
honour endurance perseverance industry talent because these are the means by
which men achieve great ends and mount to lofty eminence I watch your career
with interest because I consider you a specimen of a diligent orderly
energetic woman not because I deeply compassionate what you have gone through
or what you still suffer«
»You would describe yourself as a mere pagan philosopher« I said
»No There is this difference between me and deistic philosophers I
believe and I believe the Gospel You missed your epithet I am not a pagan
but a Christian philosopher a follower of the sect of Jesus As his disciple I
adopt his pure his merciful his benignant doctrines I advocate them I am
sworn to spread them Won in youth to religion she has cultivated my original
qualities thus From the minute germ natural affection she has developed the
overshadowing tree philanthropy From the wild stringy root of human
uprightness she has reared a due sense of the Divine justice Of the ambition
to win power and renown for my wretched self she has formed the ambition to
spread my Masters kingdom to achieve victories for the standard of the cross
So much has religion done for me turning the original materials to the best
account pruning and training nature But she could not eradicate nature nor
will it be eradicated till this mortal shall put on immortality«
Having said this he took his hat which lay on the table beside my palette
Once more he looked at the portrait
»She is lovely« he murmured »She is well named the Rose of the World
indeed«
»And may I not paint one like it for you«
»Cui bono No«
He drew over the picture the sheet of thin paper on which I was accustomed
to rest my hand in painting to prevent the cardboard from being sullied What
he suddenly saw on this blank paper it was impossible for me to tell but
something had caught his eye He took it up with a snatch he looked at the
edge then shot a glance at me inexpressibly peculiar and quite
incomprehensible a glance that seemed to take and make note of every point in
my shape face and dress for it traversed all quick keen as lightning His
lips parted as if to speak but he checked the coming sentence whatever it
was
»What is the matter« I asked
»Nothing in the world« was the reply and replacing the paper I saw him
dexterously tear a narrow slip from the margin It disappeared in his glove
and with one hasty nod and goodafternoon he vanished
»Well« I exclaimed using an expression of the district »that caps the
globe however«
I in my turn scrutinized the paper but saw nothing on it save a few
dingy stains of paint where I had tried the tint in my pencil I pondered the
mystery a minute or two but finding it insolvable and being certain it could
not be of much moment I dismissed and soon forgot it
Chapter XXXIII
When Mr St John went it was beginning to snow the whirling storm continued
all night The next day a keen wind brought fresh and blinding falls by
twilight the valley was drifted up and almost impassable I had closed my
shutter laid a mat to the door to prevent the snow from blowing in under it
trimmed my fire and after sitting nearly an hour on the hearth listening to the
muffled fury of the tempest I lit a candle took down Marmion and beginning
»Day set on Norhams castled steep
And Tweeds fair river broad and deep
And Cheviot mountains lone
The massive towers the donjon keep
The flanking walls that round them sweep
In yellow lustre shone«
I soon forgot storm in music
I heard a noise the wind I thought shook the door No it was St John
Rivers who lifting the latch came in out of the frozen hurricane the
howling darkness and stood before me the cloak that covered his tall figure
all white as a glacier I was almost in consternation so little had I expected
any guest from the blockedup vale that night
»Any ill news« I demanded »Has anything happened«
»No How very easily alarmed you are« he answered removing his cloak and
hanging it up against the door towards which he again coolly pushed the mat
which his entrance had deranged He stamped the snow from his boots
»I shall sully the purity of your floor« said he »but you must excuse me
for once« Then he approached the fire »I have had hard work to get here I
assure you« he observed as he warmed his hands over the flame »One drift took
me up to the waist happily the snow is quite soft yet«
»But why are you come« I could not forbear saying
»Rather an inhospitable question to put to a visitor but since you ask it
I answer simply to have a little talk with you I got tired of my mute books
and empty rooms Besides since yesterday I have experienced the excitement of
a person to whom a tale has been halftold and who is impatient to hear the
sequel«
He sat down I recalled his singular conduct of yesterday and really I
began to fear his wits were touched If he were insane however his was a very
cool and collected insanity I had never seen that handsomefeatured face of his
look more like chiselled marble than it did just now as he put aside his
snowwet hair from his forehead and let the firelight shine free on his pale
brow and cheek as pale where it grieved me to discover the hollow trace of care
or sorrow now so plainly graved I waited expecting he would say something I
could at least comprehend but his hand was now at his chin his finger on his
lip he was thinking It struck me that his hand looked wasted like his face A
perhaps uncalledfor gush of pity came over my heart I was moved to say
»I wish Diana or Mary would come and live with you it is too bad that you
should be quite alone and you are recklessly rash about your own health«
»Not at all« said he »I care for myself when necessary I am well now
What do you see amiss in me«
This was said with a careless abstracted indifference which showed that my
solicitude was at least in his opinion wholly superfluous I was silenced
He still slowly moved his finger over his upper lip and still his eye dwelt
dreamily on the glowing grate thinking it urgent to say something I asked him
presently if he felt any cold draught from the door which was behind him
»No no« he responded shortly and somewhat testily
»Well« I reflected »if you wont talk you may be still Ill let you
alone now and return to my book«
So I snuffed the candle and resumed the perusal of Marmion He soon
stirred my eye was instantly drawn to his movements he only took out a morocco
pocketbook thence produced a letter which he read in silence folded it put
it back relapsed into meditation It was vain to try to read with such an
inscrutable fixture before me nor could I in my impatience consent to be
dumb he might rebuff me if he liked but talk I would
»Have you heard from Diana and Mary lately«
»Not since the letter I showed you a week ago«
»There has not been any change made about your own arrangements You will
not be summoned to leave England sooner than you expected«
»I fear not indeed such chance is too good to befall me« Baffled so far I
changed my ground I bethought myself to talk about the school and my scholars
»Mary Garretts mother is better and Mary came back to the school this
morning and I shall have four new girls next week from the Foundry Close they
would have come today but for the snow«
»Indeed«
»Mr Oliver pays for two«
»Does he«
»He means to give the whole school a treat at Christmas«
»I know«
»Was it your suggestion«
»No«
»Whose then«
»His daughters I think«
»It is like her she is so goodnatured«
»Yes«
Again came the blank of a pause the clock struck eight strokes It aroused
him he uncrossed his legs sat erect turned to me
»Leave your book a moment and come a little nearer the fire« he said
Wondering and of my wonder finding no end I complied
»Half an hour ago« he pursued »I spoke of my impatience to hear the sequel
of a tale on reflection I find the matter will be better managed by my
assuming the narrators part and converting you into a listener Before
commencing it is but fair to warn you that the story will sound somewhat
hackneyed in your ears but stale details often regain a degree of freshness
when they pass through new lips For the rest whether trite or novel it is
short
Twenty years ago a poor curate never mind his name at this moment fell
in love with a rich mans daughter she fell in love with him and married him
against the advice of all her friends who consequently disowned her immediately
after the wedding Before two years passed the rash pair were both dead and
laid quietly side by side under one slab I have seen their grave it formed
part of the pavement of a huge churchyard surrounding the grim sootblack old
cathedral of an overgrown manufacturing town in shire They left a daughter
which at its very birth Charity received in her lap cold as that of the
snowdrift I almost stuck fast in tonight Charity carried the friendless thing
to the house of its rich maternal relations it was reared by an auntinlaw
called I come to names now Mrs Reed of Gateshead you start did you hear a
noise I dare say it is only a rat scrambling along the rafters of the adjoining
schoolroom it was a barn before I had it repaired and altered and barns are
generally haunted by rats To proceed Mrs Reed kept the orphan ten years
whether it was happy or not with her I cannot say never having been told but
at the end of that time she transferred it to a place you know being no other
than Lowood school where you so long resided yourself It seems her career
there was very honourable from a pupil she became a teacher like yourself
really it strikes me there are parallel points in her history and yours she
left it to be a governess there again your fates were analogous she
undertook the education of the ward of a certain Mr Rochester«
»Mr Rivers« I interrupted
»I can guess your feelings« he said »but restrain them for a while I have
nearly finished hear me to the end Of Mr Rochesters character I know
nothing but the one fact that he professed to offer honourable marriage to this
young girl and that at the very altar she discovered he had a wife yet alive
though a lunatic What his subsequent conduct and proposals were is a matter of
pure conjecture but when an event transpired which rendered inquiry after the
governess necessary it was discovered she was gone no one could tell when
where or how She had left ThornfieldHall in the night every research after
her course had been vain the country had been scoured far and wide no vestige
of information could be gathered respecting her Yet that she should be found is
become a matter of serious urgency advertisements have been put in all the
papers I myself have received a letter from one Mr Briggs a solicitor
communicating the details I have just imparted Is it not an odd tale«
»Just tell me this« said I »and since you know so much you surely can
tell it me what of Mr Rochester How and where is he What is he doing Is he
well«
»I am ignorant of all concerning Mr Rochester the letter never mentions
him but to narrate the fraudulent and illegal attempt I have adverted to You
should rather ask the name of the governess the nature of the event which
requires her appearance«
»Did no one go to ThornfieldHall then Did no one see Mr Rochester«
»I suppose not«
»But they wrote to him«
»Of course«
»And what did he say Who has his letters«
»Mr Briggs intimates that the answer to his application was not from Mr
Rochester but from a lady it is signed Alice Fairfax«
I felt cold and dismayed my worst fears then were probably true he had in
all probability left England and rushed in reckless desperation to some former
haunt on the Continent And what opiate for his severe sufferings what object
for his strong passions had he sought there I dared not answer the question
Oh my poor master once almost my husband whom I had often called »my dear
Edward«
»He must have been a bad man« observed Mr Rivers
»You dont know him dont pronounce an opinion upon him« I said with
warmth
»Very well« he answered quietly »and indeed my head is otherwise occupied
than with him I have my tale to finish Since you wont ask the governesss
name I must tell it of my own accord stay I have it here it is always
more satisfactory to see important points written down fairly committed to
black and white«
And the pocketbook was again deliberately produced opened sought through
from one of its compartments was extracted a shabby slip of paper hastily torn
off I recognised in its texture and its stains of ultramarine and lake and
vermilion the ravished margin of the portraitcover He got up held it close
to my eyes and I read traced in Indian ink in my own handwriting the words
»JANE EYRE« the work doubtless of some moment of abstraction
»Briggs wrote to me of a Jane Eyre« he said »the advertisements demanded a
Jane Eyre I knew a Jane Elliott I confess I had my suspicions but it was
only yesterday afternoon they were at once resolved into certainty You own the
name and renounce the alias«
»Yes yes but where is Mr Briggs He perhaps knows more of Mr Rochester
than you do«
»Briggs is in London I should doubt his knowing anything at all about Mr
Rochester it is not in Mr Rochester he is interested Meantime you forget
essential points in pursuing trifles you do not inquire why Mr Briggs sought
after you what he wanted with you«
»Well what did he want«
»Merely to tell you that your uncle Mr Eyre of Madeira is dead that he
has left you all his property and that you are now rich merely that nothing
more«
»I rich«
»Yes you rich quite an heiress«
Silence succeeded
»You must prove your identity of course« resumed St John presently »a
step which will offer no difficulties you can then enter on immediate
possession Your fortune is vested in the English funds Briggs has the will and
the necessary documents«
Here was a new card turned up It is a fine thing reader to be lifted in a
moment from indigence to wealth a very fine thing but not a matter one can
comprehend or consequently enjoy all at once And then there are other chances
in life far more thrilling and rapturegiving this is solid an affair of the
actual world nothing ideal about it all its associations are solid and sober
and its manifestations are the same One does not jump and spring and shout
hurrah at hearing one has got a fortune one begins to consider
responsibilities and to ponder business on a base of steady satisfaction rise
certain grave cares and we contain ourselves and brood over our bliss with a
solemn brow
Besides the words Legacy Bequest go side by side with the words Death
Funeral My uncle I had heard was dead my only relative ever since being made
aware of his existence I had cherished the hope of one day seeing him now I
never should And then this money came only to me not to me and a rejoicing
family but to my isolated self It was a grand boon doubtless and independence
would be glorious yes I felt that that thought swelled my heart
»You unbend your forehead at last« said Mr Rivers »I thought Medusa had
looked at you and that you were turning to stone perhaps now you will ask how
much you are worth«
»How much am I worth«
»Oh a trifle Nothing of course to speak of twenty thousand pounds I
think they say but what is that«
»Twenty thousand pounds«
Here was a new stunner I had been calculating on four or five thousand
This news actually took my breath for a moment Mr St John whom I had never
heard laugh before laughed now
»Well« said he »if you had committed a murder and I had told you your
crime was discovered you could scarcely look more aghast«
»It is a large sum dont you think there is a mistake«
»No mistake at all«
»Perhaps you have read the figures wrong it may be 2000«
»It is written in letters not figures twenty thousand«
I again felt rather like an individual of but average gastronomical powers
sitting down to feast alone at a table spread with provisions for a hundred Mr
Rivers rose now and put his cloak on
»If it were not such a very wild night« he said »I would send Hannah down
to keep you company you look too desperately miserable to be left alone But
Hannah poor woman could not stride the drifts so well as I her legs are not
quite so long so I must een leave you to your sorrows Goodnight«
He was lifting the latch a sudden thought occurred to me
»Stop one minute« I cried
»Well«
»It puzzles me to know why Mr Briggs wrote to you about me or how he knew
you or could fancy that you living in such an outoftheway place had the
power to aid in my discovery«
»Oh I am a clergyman« he said »and the clergy are often appealed to about
odd matters« Again the latch rattled
»No that does not satisfy me« I exclaimed and indeed there was
something in the hasty and unexplanatory reply which instead of allaying
piqued my curiosity more than ever
»It is a very strange piece of business« I added »I must know more about
it«
»Another time«
»No tonight tonight« and as he turned from the door I placed myself
between it and him He looked rather embarrassed
»You certainly shall not go till you have told me all« I said
»I would rather not just now«
»You shall you must«
»I would rather Diana or Mary informed you«
Of course these objections wrought my eagerness to a climax gratified it
must be and that without delay and I told him so
»But I apprised you that I was a hard man« said he »difficult to
persuade«
»And I am a hard woman impossible to put off«
»And then« he pursued »I am cold no fervour infects me«
»Whereas I am hot and fire dissolves ice The blaze there has thawed all
the snow from your cloak by the same token it has streamed on to my floor and
made it like a trampled street As you hope ever to be forgiven Mr Rivers the
high crime and misdemeanour of spoiling a sanded kitchen tell me what I wish to
know«
»Well then« he said »I yield if not to your earnestness to your
perseverance as stone is worn by continual dropping Besides you must know
some day as well now as later Your name is Jane Eyre«
»Of course that was all settled before«
»You are not perhaps aware that I am your namesake that I was
christened St John Eyre Rivers«
»No indeed I remember now seeing the letter E comprised in your initials
written in books you have at different times lent me but I never asked for what
name it stood But what then Surely «
I stopped I could not trust myself to entertain much less to express the
thought that rushed upon me that embodied itself that in a second stood
out a strong solid probability Circumstances knit themselves fitted
themselves shot into order the chain that had been lying hitherto a formless
lump of links was drawn out straight every ring was perfect the connection
complete I knew by instinct how the matter stood before St John had said
another word but I cannot expect the reader to have the same intuitive
perception so I must repeat his explanation
»My mothers name was Eyre she had two brothers one a clergyman who
married Miss Jane Reed of Gateshead the other John Eyre Esq merchant late
of Funchal Madeira Mr Briggs being Mr Eyres solicitor wrote to us last
August to inform us of our uncles death and to say that he had left his
property to his brother the clergymans orphan daughter overlooking us in
consequence of a quarrel never forgiven between him and my father He wrote
again a few weeks since to intimate that the heiress was lost and asking if we
knew anything of her A name casually written on a slip of paper has enabled me
to find her out You know the rest« Again he was going but I set my back
against the door
»Do let me speak« I said »let me have one moment to draw breath and
reflect« I paused he stood before me hat in hand looking composed enough I
resumed
»Your mother was my fathers sister«
»Yes«
»My aunt consequently«
He bowed
»My uncle John was your uncle John You Diana and Mary are his sisters
children as I am his brothers child«
»Undeniably«
»You three then are my cousins half our blood on each side flows from the
same source«
»We are cousins yes«
I surveyed him It seemed I had found a brother one I could be proud of
one I could love and two sisters whose qualities were such that when I knew
them but as mere strangers they had inspired me with genuine affection and
admiration The two girls on whom kneeling down on the wet ground and looking
through the low latticed window of MoorHouse kitchen I had gazed with so
bitter a mixture of interest and despair were my near kinswomen and the young
and stately gentleman who had found me almost dying at his threshold was my
blood relation Glorious discovery to a lonely wretch This was wealth indeed
wealth to the heart a mine of pure genial affections This was a blessing
bright vivid and exhilarating not like the ponderous gift of gold rich and
welcome enough in its way but sobering from its weight I now clapped my hands
in sudden joy my pulse bounded my veins thrilled
»Oh I am glad I am glad« I exclaimed
St John smiled »Did I not say you neglected essential points to pursue
trifles« he asked »You were serious when I told you you had got a fortune and
now for a matter of no moment you are excited«
»What can you mean It may be of no moment to you you have sisters and
dont care for a cousin but I had nobody and now three relations or two if
you dont choose to be counted are born into my world full grown I say
again I am glad«
I walked fast through the room I stopped half suffocated with the thoughts
that rose faster than I could receive comprehend settle them thoughts of
what might could would and should be and that ere long I looked at the
blank wall it seemed a sky thick with ascending stars every one lit me to a
purpose or delight Those who had saved my life whom till this hour I had
loved barrenly I could now benefit They were under a yoke I could free them
they were scattered I could reunite them the independence the affluence
which was mine might be theirs too Were we not four Twenty thousand pounds
shared equally would be five thousand each enough and to spare justice
would be done mutual happiness secured Now the wealth did not weigh on me
now it was not a mere bequest of coin it was a legacy of life hope
enjoyment
How I looked while these ideas were taking my spirit by storm I cannot
tell but I perceived soon that Mr Rivers had placed a chair behind me and was
gently attempting to make me sit down on it He also advised me to be composed
I scorned the insinuation of helplessness and distraction shook off his hand
and began to walk about again
»Write to Diana and Mary tomorrow« I said »and tell them to come home
directly Diana said they would both consider themselves rich with a thousand
pounds so with five thousand they will do very well«
»Tell me where I can get you a glass of water« said St John »you must
really make an effort to tranquillize your feelings«
»Nonsense and what sort of an effect will the bequest have on you Will it
keep you in England induce you to marry Miss Oliver and settle down like an
ordinary mortal«
»You wander your head becomes confused I have been too abrupt in
communicating the news it has excited you beyond your strength«
»Mr Rivers you quite put me out of patience I am rational enough it is
you who misunderstand or rather who affect to misunderstand«
»Perhaps if you explained yourself a little more fully I should comprehend
better«
»Explain What is there to explain You cannot fail to see that twenty
thousand pounds the sum in question divided equally between the nephew and
three nieces of our uncle will give five thousand to each What I want is that
you should write to your sisters and tell them of the fortune that has accrued
to them«
»To you you mean«
»I have intimated my view of the case I am incapable of taking any other I
am not brutally selfish blindly unjust or fiendishly ungrateful Besides I am
resolved I will have a home and connexions I like MoorHouse and I will live
at MoorHouse I like Diana and Mary and I will attach myself for life to Diana
and Mary It would please and benefit me to have five thousand pounds it would
torment and oppress me to have twenty thousand which moreover could never be
mine in justice though it might in law I abandon to you then what is
absolutely superfluous to me Let there be no opposition and no discussion
about it let us agree amongst each other and decide the point at once«
»This is acting on first impulses you must take days to consider such a
matter ere your word can be regarded as valid«
»Oh if all you doubt is my sincerity I am easy you see the justice of the
case«
»I do see a certain justice but it is contrary to all custom Besides the
entire fortune is your right my uncle gained it by his own efforts he was free
to leave it to whom he would he left it to you After all justice permits you
to keep it you may with a clear conscience consider it absolutely your own«
»With me« said I »it is fully as much a matter of feeling as of
conscience I must indulge my feelings I so seldom have had an opportunity of
doing so Were you to argue object and annoy me for a year I could not forego
the delicious pleasure of which I have caught a glimpse that of repaying in
part a mighty obligation and winning to myself lifelong friends«
»You think so now« rejoined St John »because you do not know what it is to
possess nor consequently to enjoy wealth you cannot form a notion of the
importance twenty thousand pounds would give you of the place it would enable
you to take in society of the prospects it would open to you you cannot «
»And you« I interrupted »cannot at all imagine the craving I have for
fraternal and sisterly love I never had a home I never had brothers or
sisters I must and will have them now you are not reluctant to admit me and
own me are you«
»Jane I will be your brother my sisters will be your sisters without
stipulating for this sacrifice of your just rights«
»Brother Yes at the distance of a thousand leagues Sisters Yes slaving
amongst strangers I wealthy gorged with gold I never earned and do not
merit You pennyless Famous equality and fraternization Close union Intimate
attachment«
»But Jane your aspirations after family ties and domestic happiness may be
realized otherwise than by the means you contemplate you may marry«
»Nonsense again Marry I dont want to marry and never shall marry«
»That is saying too much such hazardous affirmations are a proof of the
excitement under which you labour«
»It is not saying too much I know what I feel and how averse are my
inclinations to the bare thought of marriage No one would take me for love and
I will not be regarded in the light of a mere moneyspeculation And I do not
want a stranger unsympathizing alien different from me I want my kindred
those with whom I have full fellowfeeling Say again you will be my brother
when you uttered the words I was satisfied happy repeat them if you can
repeat them sincerely«
»I think I can I know I have always loved my own sisters and I know on
what my affection for them is grounded respect for their worth and
admiration of their talents You too have principle and mind your tastes and
habits resemble Dianas and Marys your presence is always agreeable to me in
your conversation I have already for some time found a salutary solace I feel I
can easily and naturally make room in my heart for you as my third and youngest
sister«
»Thank you that contents me for tonight Now you had better go for if you
stay longer you will perhaps irritate me afresh by some mistrustful scruple«
»And the school Miss Eyre It must now be shut up I suppose«
»No I will retain my post of mistress till you get a substitute«
He smiled approbation we shook hands and he took leave
I need not narrate in detail the further struggles I had and arguments I
used to get matters regarding the legacy settled as I wished My task was a
very hard one but as I was absolutely resolved as my cousins saw at length
that my mind was really and immutably fixed on making a just division of the
property as they must in their own hearts have felt the equity of the
intention and must besides have been innately conscious that in my place they
would have done precisely what I wished to do they yielded at length so far as
to consent to put the affair to arbitration The judges chosen were Mr Oliver
and an able lawyer both coincided in my opinion I carried my point The
instruments of transfer were drawn out St John Diana Mary and I each became
possessed of a competency
Chapter XXXIV
It was near Christmas by the time all was settled the season of general holiday
approached I now closed Morton school taking care that the parting should not
be barren on my side Good fortune opens the hand as well as the heart
wonderfully and to give somewhat when we have largely received is but to
afford a vent to the unusual ebullition of the sensations I had long felt with
pleasure that many of my rustic scholars liked me and when we parted that
consciousness was confirmed they manifested their affection plainly and
strongly Deep was my gratification to find I had really a place in their
unsophisticated hearts I promised them that never a week should pass in future
that I did not visit them and give them an hours teaching in their school
Mr Rivers came up as having seen the classes now numbering sixty girls
file out before me and locked the door I stood with the key in my hand
exchanging a few words of special farewell with some halfdozen of my best
scholars as decent respectable modest and wellinformed young women as could
be found in the ranks of the British peasantry And that is saying a great deal
for after all the British peasantry are the best taught best mannered most
selfrespecting of any in Europe since those days I have seen paysannes and
Bäuerinnen and the best of them seemed to me ignorant coarse and besotted
compared with my Morton girls
»Do you consider you have got your reward for a season of exertion« asked
Mr Rivers when they were gone »Does not the consciousness of having done some
real good in your day and generation give pleasure«
»Doubtless«
»And you have only toiled a few months Would not a life devoted to the task
of regenerating your race be well spent«
»Yes« I said »but I could not go on for ever so I want to enjoy my own
faculties as well as to cultivate those of other people I must enjoy them now
dont recall either my mind or body to the school I am out of it and disposed
for full holiday«
He looked grave »What now What sudden eagerness is this you evince What
are you going to do«
»To be active as active as I can And first I must beg you to set Hannah at
liberty and get somebody else to wait on you«
»Do you want her«
»Yes to go with me to MoorHouse Diana and Mary will be at home in a week
and I want to have everything in order against their arrival«
»I understand I thought you were for flying off on some excursion It is
better so Hannah shall go with you«
»Tell her to be ready by tomorrow then and here is the schoolroom key I
will give you the key of my cottage in the morning«
He took it »You give it up very gleefully« said he »I dont quite
understand your lightheartedness because I cannot tell what employment you
propose to yourself as a substitute for the one you are relinquishing What aim
what purpose what ambition in life have you now«
»My first aim will be to clean down do you comprehend the full force of the
expression to clean down MoorHouse from chamber to cellar my next to rub it
up with beeswax oil and an indefinite number of cloths till it glitters
again my third to arrange every chair table bed carpet with mathematical
precision afterwards I shall go near to ruin you in coals and peat to keep up
good fires in every room and lastly the two days preceding that on which your
sisters are expected will be devoted by Hannah and me to such a beating of
eggs sorting of currants grating of spices compounding of Christmas cakes
chopping up of materials for mincepies and solemnizing of other culinary
rites as words can convey but an inadequate notion of to the uninitiated like
you My purpose in short is to have all things in an absolutely perfect state
of readiness for Diana and Mary before next Thursday and my ambition is to
give them a beauideal of a welcome when they come«
St John smiled slightly still he was dissatisfied
»It is all very well for the present« said he »but seriously I trust that
when the first flush of vivacity is over you will look a little higher than
domestic endearments and household joys«
»The best things the world has« I interrupted
»No Jane no this world is not the scene of fruition do not attempt to
make it so nor of rest do not turn slothful«
»I mean on the contrary to be busy«
»Jane I excuse you for the present two months grace I allow you for the
full enjoyment of your new position and for pleasing yourself with this
latefound charm of relationship but then I hope you will begin to look beyond
MoorHouse and Morton and sisterly society and the selfish calm and sensual
comfort of civilized affluence I hope your energies will then once more trouble
you with their strength«
I looked at him with surprise »St John« I said »I think you are almost
wicked to talk so I am disposed to be as content as a queen and you try to
stir me up to restlessness To what end«
»To the end of turning to profit the talents which God has committed to your
keeping and of which he will surely one day demand a strict account Jane I
shall watch you closely and anxiously I warn you of that And try to restrain
the disproportionate fervour with which you throw yourself into commonplace
home pleasures Dont cling so tenaciously to ties of the flesh save your
constancy and ardour for an adequate cause forbear to waste them on trite
transient objects Do you hear Jane«
»Yes just as if you were speaking Greek I feel I have adequate cause to be
happy and I will be happy Goodbye«
Happy at MoorHouse I was and hard I worked and so did Hannah she was
charmed to see how jovial I could be amidst the bustle of a house turned
topsyturvy how I could brush and dust and clean and cook And really after
a day or two of confusion worse confounded it was delightful by degrees to
invoke order from the chaos ourselves had made I had previously taken a journey
to S to purchase some new furniture my cousins having given me carte blanche
to effect what alterations I pleased and a sum having been set aside for that
purpose The ordinary sittingroom and bedrooms I left much as they were for I
knew Diana and Mary would derive more pleasure from seeing again the old homely
tables and chairs and beds than from the spectacle of the smartest
innovations Still some novelty was necessary to give to their return the
piquancy with which I wished it to be invested Dark handsome new carpets and
curtains an arrangement of some carefully selected antique ornaments in
porcelain and bronze new coverings and mirrors and dressingcases for the
toilet tables answered the end they looked fresh without being glaring A
spare parlour and bedroom I refurnished entirely with old mahogany and crimson
upholstery I laid canvass on the passage and carpets on the stairs When all
was finished I thought MoorHouse as complete a model of bright modest snugness
within as it was at this season a specimen of wintry waste and desert
dreariness without
The eventful Thursday at length came They were expected about dark and ere
dusk fires were lit up stairs and below the kitchen was in perfect trim
Hannah and I were dressed and all was in readiness
St John arrived first I had entreated him to keep quite clear of the house
till everything was arranged and indeed the bare idea of the commotion at
once sordid and trivial going on within its walls sufficed to scare him to
estrangement He found me in the kitchen watching the progress of certain cakes
for tea then baking Approaching the hearth he asked »If I was at last
satisfied with housemaids work« I answered by inviting him to accompany me on
a general inspection of the result of my labours With some difficulty I got
him to make the tour of the house He just looked in at the doors I opened and
when he had wandered up stairs and down stairs he said I must have gone through
a great deal of fatigue and trouble to have effected such considerable changes
in so short a time but not a syllable did he utter indicating pleasure in the
improved aspect of his abode
This silence damped me I thought perhaps the alterations had disturbed some
old associations he valued I inquired whether this was the case no doubt in a
somewhat crestfallen tone
»Not at all he had on the contrary remarked that I had scrupulously
respected every association he feared indeed I must have bestowed more
thought on the matter than it was worth How many minutes for instance had I
devoted to studying the arrangement of this very room Bythebye could I
tell him where such a book was«
I showed him the volume on the shelf he took it down and withdrawing to his
accustomed window recess he began to read it
Now I did not like this reader St John was a good man but I began to
feel he had spoken truth of himself when he said he was hard and cold The
humanities and amenities of life had no attraction for him its peaceful
enjoyments no charm Literally he lived only to aspire after what was good
and great certainly but still he would never rest nor approve of others
resting round him As I looked at his lofty forehead still and pale as a white
stone at his fine lineaments fixed in study I comprehended all at once that
he would hardly make a good husband that it would be a trying thing to be his
wife I understood as by inspiration the nature of his love for Miss Oliver I
agreed with him that it was but a love of the senses I comprehended how he
should despise himself for the feverish influence it exercised over him how he
should wish to stifle and destroy it how he should mistrust its ever conducing
permanently to his happiness or hers I saw he was of the material from which
nature hews her heroes Christian and Pagan her lawgivers her statesmen her
conquerors a steadfast bulwark for great interests to rest upon but at the
fireside too often a cold cumbrous column gloomy and out of place
»This parlour is not his sphere« I reflected »the Himalayan ridge or
Caffre bush even the plaguecursed Guinea Coast swamp would suit him better
Well may he eschew the calm of domestic life it is not his element there his
faculties stagnate they cannot develope or appear to advantage It is in
scenes of strife and danger where courage is proved and energy exercised and
fortitude tasked that he will speak and move the leader and superior A merry
child would have the advantage of him on this hearth He is right to choose a
missionarys career I see it now«
»They are coming they are coming« cried Hannah throwing open the parlour
door At the same moment old Carlo barked joyfully Out I ran It was now dark
but a rumbling of wheels was audible Hannah soon had a lantern lit The vehicle
had stopped at the wicket the driver opened the door first one wellknown
form then another stepped out In a minute I had my face under their bonnets
in contact first with Marys soft cheek then with Dianas flowing curls They
laughed kissed me then Hannah patted Carlo who was half wild with delight
asked eagerly if all was well and being assured in the affirmative hastened
into the house
They were stiff with their long and jolting drive from Whitcross and
chilled with the frosty night air but their pleasant countenances expanded to
the cheerful fire light While the driver and Hannah brought in the boxes they
demanded St John At this moment he advanced from the parlour They both threw
their arms round his neck at once He gave each one a quiet kiss said in a low
tone a few words of welcome stood a while to be talked to and then intimating
that he supposed they would soon rejoin him in the parlour withdrew there as to
a place of refuge
I had lit their candles to go up stairs but Diana had first to give
hospitable orders respecting the driver this done both followed me They were
delighted with the renovation and decoration of their rooms with the new
drapery and fresh carpets and rich tinted china vases they expressed their
gratification ungrudgingly I had the pleasure of feeling that my arrangements
met their wishes exactly and that what I had done added a vivid charm to their
joyous return home
Sweet was that evening My cousins full of exhilaration were so eloquent
in narrative and comment that their fluency covered St Johns taciturnity he
was sincerely glad to see his sisters but in their glow of fervour and flow of
joy he could not sympathize The event of the day that is the return of Diana
and Mary pleased him but the accompaniments of that event the glad tumult
the garrulous glee of reception irked him I saw he wished the calmer morrow
was come In the very meridian of the nights enjoyment about an hour after
tea a rap was heard at the door Hannah entered with the intimation that »a
poor lad was come at that unlikely time to fetch Mr Rivers to see his mother
who was drawing away«
»Where does she live Hannah«
»Clear up at Whitcross Brow almost four miles off and moor and moss all
the way«
»Tell him I will go«
»Im sure sir you had better not Its the worst road to travel after dark
that can be theres no track at all over the bog And then it is such a bitter
night the keenest wind you ever felt You had better send word sir that you
will be there in the morning«
But he was already in the passage putting on his cloak and without one
objection one murmur he departed It was then nine oclock he did not return
till midnight Starved and tired enough he was but he looked happier than when
he set out He had performed an act of duty made an exertion felt his own
strength to do and deny and was on better terms with himself
I am afraid the whole of the ensuing week tried his patience It was
Christmas week we took to no settled employment but spent it in a sort of
merry domestic dissipation The air of the moors the freedom of home the dawn
of prosperity acted on Diana and Marys spirits like some lifegiving elixir
they were gay from morning till noon and from noon till night They could
always talk and their discourse witty pithy original had such charms for
me that I preferred listening to and sharing in it to doing anything else St
John did not rebuke our vivacity but he escaped from it he was seldom in the
house his parish was large the population scattered and he found daily
business in visiting the sick and poor in its different districts
One morning at breakfast Diana after looking a little pensive for some
minutes asked him »If his plans were yet unchanged«
»Unchanged and unchangeable« was the reply And he proceeded to inform us
that his departure from England was now definitively fixed for the ensuing year
»And Rosamond Oliver« suggested Mary the words seeming to escape her lips
involuntarily for no sooner had she uttered them than she made a gesture as if
wishing to recall them St John had a book in his hand it was his unsocial
custom to read at meals he closed it and looked up
»Rosamond Oliver« said he »is about to be married to Mr Granby one of
the best connected and most estimable residents in S grandson and heir to Sir
Frederic Granby I had the intelligence from her father yesterday«
His sisters looked at each other and at me we all three looked at him he
was serene as glass
»The match must have been got up hastily« said Diana »they cannot have
known each other long«
»But two months they met in October at the county ball at S But where
there are no obstacles to a union as in the present case where the connection
is in every point desirable delays are unnecessary they will be married as
soon as S Place which Sir Frederic gives up to them can be refitted for
their reception«
The first time I found St John alone after this communication I felt
tempted to inquire if the event distressed him but he seemed so little to need
sympathy that so far from venturing to offer him more I experienced some
shame at the recollection of what I had already hazarded Besides I was out of
practice in talking to him his reserve was again frozen over and my frankness
was congealed beneath it He had not kept his promise of treating me like his
sisters he continually made little chilling differences between us which did
not at all tend to the development of cordiality in short now that I was
acknowledged his kinswoman and lived under the same roof with him I felt the
distance between us to be far greater than when he had known me only as the
village schoolmistress When I remembered how far I had once been admitted to
his confidence I could hardly comprehend his present frigidity
Such being the case I felt not a little surprised when he raised his head
suddenly from the desk over which he was stooping and said
»You see Jane the battle is fought and the victory won«
Startled at being thus addressed I did not immediately reply after a
moments hesitation I answered
»But are you sure you are not in the position of those conquerors whose
triumphs have cost them too dear Would not such another ruin you«
»I think not and if I were it does not much signify I shall never be
called upon to contend for such another The event of the conflict is decisive
my way is now clear I thank God for it« So saying he returned to his papers
and his silence
As our mutual happiness ie Dianas Marys and mine settled into a
quieter character and we resumed our usual habits and regular studies St John
stayed more at home he sat with us in the same room sometimes for hours
together While Mary drew Diana pursued a course of Encyclopædic reading she
had to my awe and amazement undertaken and I fagged away at German he
pondered a mystic lore of his own that of some Eastern tongue the acquisition
of which he thought necessary to his plans
Thus engaged he appeared sitting in his own recess quiet and absorbed
enough but that blue eye of his had a habit of leaving the outlandishlooking
grammar and wandering over and sometimes fixing upon us his fellowstudents
with a curious intensity of observation if caught it would be instantly
withdrawn yet ever and anon it returned searchingly to our table I wondered
what it meant I wondered too at the punctual satisfaction he never failed to
exhibit on an occasion that seemed to me of small moment namely my weekly
visit to Morton school and still more was I puzzled when if the day was
unfavourable if there was snow or rain or high wind and his sisters urged me
not to go he would invariably make light of their solicitude and encourage me
to accomplish the task without regard to the elements
»Jane is not such a weakling as you would make her« he would say »she can
bear a mountain blast or a shower or a few flakes of snow as well as any of
us Her constitution is both sound and elastic better calculated to endure
variations of climate than many more robust«
And when I returned sometimes a good deal tired and not a little
weatherbeaten I never dared complain because I saw that to murmur would be to
vex him on all occasions fortitude pleased him the reverse was a special
annoyance
One afternoon however I got leave to stay at home because I really had a
cold His sisters were gone to Morton in my stead I sat reading Schiller he
deciphering his crabbed Oriental scrolls As I exchanged a translation for an
exercise I happened to look his way there I found myself under the influence
of the everwatchful blue eye How long it had been searching me through and
through and over and over I cannot tell so keen was it and yet so cold I
felt for the moment superstitious as if I were sitting in the room with
something uncanny
»Jane what are you doing«
»Learning German«
»I want you to give up German and learn Hindostanee«
»You are not in earnest«
»In such earnest that I must have it so and I will tell you why«
He then went on to explain that Hindostanee was the language he was himself
at present studying that as he advanced he was apt to forget the
commencement that it would assist him greatly to have a pupil with whom he
might again and again go over the elements and so fix them thoroughly in his
mind that his choice had hovered for some time between me and his sisters but
that he had fixed on me because he saw I could sit at a task the longest of the
three Would I do him this favour I should not perhaps have to make the
sacrifice long as it wanted now barely three months to his departure
St John was not a man to be lightly refused you felt that every impression
made on him either for pain or pleasure was deepgraved and permanent I
consented When Diana and Mary returned the former found her scholar
transferred from her to her brother she laughed and both she and Mary agreed
that St John should never have persuaded them to such a step He answered
quietly
»I know it«
I found him a very patient very forbearing and yet an exacting master he
expected me to do a great deal and when I fulfilled his expectations he in
his own way fully testified his approbation By degrees he acquired a certain
influence over me that took away my liberty of mind his praise and notice were
more restraining than his indifference I could no longer talk or laugh freely
when he was by because a tiresomely importunate instinct reminded me that
vivacity at least in me was distasteful to him I was so fully aware that only
serious moods and occupations were acceptable that in his presence every effort
to sustain or follow any other became vain I fell under a freezing spell When
he said »go« I went »come« I came »do this« I did it But I did not love my
servitude I wished many a time he had continued to neglect me
One evening when at bedtime his sisters and I stood round him bidding
him goodnight he kissed each of them as was his custom and as was equally
his custom he gave me his hand Diana who chanced to be in a frolicsome humour
she was not painfully controlled by his will for hers in another way was as
strong exclaimed
»St John you used to call Jane your third sister but you dont treat her
as such you should kiss her too«
She pushed me towards him I thought Diana very provoking and felt
uncomfortably confused and while I was thus thinking and feeling St John bent
his head his Greek face was brought to a level with mine his eyes questioned
my eyes piercingly he kissed me There are no such things as marble kisses or
ice kisses or I should say my ecclesiastical cousins salute belonged to one
of these classes but there may be experiment kisses and his was an experiment
kiss When given he viewed me to learn the result it was not striking I am
sure I did not blush perhaps I might have turned a little pale for I felt as
if this kiss were a seal affixed to my fetters He never omitted the ceremony
afterwards and the gravity and quiescence with which I underwent it seemed to
invest it for him with a certain charm
As for me I daily wished more to please him but to do so I felt daily
more and more that I must disown half my nature stifle half my faculties wrest
my tastes from their original bent force myself to the adoption of pursuits for
which I had no natural vocation He wanted to train me to an elevation I could
never reach it racked me hourly to aspire to the standard he uplifted The
thing was as impossible as to mould my irregular features to his correct and
classic pattern to give to my changeable green eyes the seablue tint and
solemn lustre of his own
Not his ascendancy alone however held me in thrall at present Of late it
had been easy enough for me to look sad a cankering evil sat at my heart and
drained my happiness at its source the evil of suspense
Perhaps you think I had forgotten Mr Rochester reader amidst these
changes of place and fortune Not for a moment His idea was still with me
because it was not a vapour sunshine could disperse nor a sandtraced effigy
storms could wash away it was a name graven on a tablet fated to last as long
as the marble it inscribed The craving to know what had become of him followed
me everywhere when I was at Morton I reentered my cottage every evening to
think of that and now at MoorHouse I sought my bedroom each night to brood
over it
In the course of my necessary correspondence with Mr Briggs about the will
I had inquired if he knew anything of Mr Rochesters present residence and
state of health but as St John had conjectured he was quite ignorant of all
concerning him I then wrote to Mrs Fairfax entreating information on the
subject I had calculated with certainty on this step answering my end I felt
sure it would elicit an early answer I was astonished when a fortnight passed
without reply but when two months wore away and day after day the post arrived
and brought nothing for me I fell a prey to the keenest anxiety
I wrote again there was a chance of my first letter having missed Renewed
hope followed renewed effort it shone like the former for some weeks then
like it it faded flickered not a line not a word reached me When half a
year wasted in vain expectancy my hope died out and then I felt dark indeed
A fine spring shone round me which I could not enjoy Summer approached
Diana tried to cheer me she said I looked ill and wished to accompany me to
the seaside This St John opposed he said I did not want dissipation I wanted
employment my present life was too purposeless I required an aim and I
suppose by way of supplying deficiencies he prolonged still further my lessons
in Hindostanee and grew more urgent in requiring their accomplishment and I
like a fool never thought of resisting him I could not resist him
One day I had come to my studies in lower spirits than usual the ebb was
occasioned by a poignantly felt disappointment Hannah had told me in the
morning there was a letter for me and when I went down to take it almost
certain that the long lookedfor tidings were vouchsafed me at last I found
only an unimportant note from Mr Briggs on business The bitter check had wrung
from me some tears and now as I sat poring over the crabbed characters and
flourishing tropes of an Indian scribe my eyes filled again
St John called me to his side to read in attempting to do this my voice
failed me words were lost in sobs He and I were the only occupants of the
parlour Diana was practising her music in the drawingroom Mary was gardening
it was a very fine Mayday clear sunny and breezy My companion expressed
no surprise at this emotion nor did he question me as to its cause he only
said
»We will wait a few minutes Jane till you are more composed« And while I
smothered the paroxysm with all haste he sat calm and patient leaning on his
desk and looking like a physician watching with the eye of science an expected
and fullyunderstood crisis in a patients malady Having stifled my sobs wiped
my eyes and muttered something about not being very well that morning I
resumed my task and succeeded in completing it St John put away my books and
his locked his desk and said
»Now Jane you shall take a walk and with me«
»I will call Diana and Mary«
»No I want only one companion this morning and that must be you put on
your things go out by the kitchen door take the road towards the head of
MarshGlen I will join you in a moment«
I know no medium I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings
with positive hard characters antagonistic to my own between absolute
submission and determined revolt I have always faithfully observed the one up
to the very moment of bursting sometimes with volcanic vehemence into the
other and as neither present circumstances warranted nor my present mood
inclined me to mutiny I observed careful obedience to St Johns directions and
in ten minutes I was treading the wild track of the glen side by side with him
The breeze was from the west it came over the hills sweet with scents of
heath and rush the sky was of stainless blue the stream descending the ravine
swelled with past spring rains poured along plentiful and clear catching
golden gleams from the sun and sapphire tints from the firmament As we
advanced and left the track we trod a soft turf mossy fine and emerald green
minutely enamelled with a tiny white flower and spangled with a starlike
yellow blossom the hills meantime shut us quite in for the glen towards its
head wound to their very core
»Let us rest here« said St John as we reached the first stragglers of a
battalion of rocks guarding a sort of pass beyond which the beck rushed down a
waterfall and where still a little further the mountain shook off turf and
flower had only heath for raiment and crag for gem where it exaggerated the
wild to the savage and exchanged the fresh for the frowning where it guarded
the forlorn hope of solitude and a last refuge for silence
I took a seat St John stood near me He looked up the pass and down the
hollow his glance wandered away with the stream and returned to traverse the
unclouded heaven which coloured it he removed his hat let the breeze stir his
hair and kiss his brow He seemed in communion with the genius of the haunt
with his eye he bade farewell to something
»And I shall see it again« he said aloud »in dreams when I sleep by the
Ganges and again in a more remote hour when another slumber overcomes me
on the shore of a darker stream«
Strange words of a strange love An austere patriots passion for his
fatherland He sat down for half an hour we never spoke neither he to me nor I
to him that interval past he recommenced
»Jane I go in six weeks I have taken my berth in an East Indiaman which
sails on the twentieth of June«
»God will protect you for you have undertaken His work« I answered
»Yes« said he »there is my glory and joy I am the servant of an
infallible master I am not going out under human guidance subject to the
defective laws and erring control of my feeble fellowworms my king my
lawgiver my captain is the Allperfect It seems strange to me that all round
me do not burn to enlist under the same banner to join in the same
enterprise«
»All have not your powers and it would be folly for the feeble to wish to
march with the strong«
»I do not speak to the feeble or think of them I address only such as are
worthy of the work and competent to accomplish it«
»Those are few in number and difficult to discover«
»You say truly but when found it is right to stir them up to urge and
exhort them to the effort to show them what their gifts are and why they were
given to speak Heavens message in their ear to offer them direct from
God a place in the ranks of his chosen«
»If they are really qualified for the task will not their own hearts be the
first to inform them of it«
I felt as if an awful charm was framing round and gathering over me I
trembled to hear some fatal word spoken which would at once declare and rivet
the spell
»And what does your heart say« demanded St John
»My heart is mute my heart is mute« I answered struck and thrilled
»Then I must speak for it« continued the deep relentless voice »Jane
come with me to India come as my helpmeet and fellowlabourer«
The glen and sky spun round the hills heaved It was as if I had heard a
summons from Heaven as if a visionary messenger like him of Macedonia had
enounced »Come over and help us« But I was no apostle I could not behold
the herald I could not receive his call
»Oh St John« I cried »have some mercy«
I appealed to one who in the discharge of what he believed his duty knew
neither mercy nor remorse He continued
»God and nature intended you for a missionarys wife It is not personal
but mental endowments they have given you you are formed for labour not for
love A missionarys wife you must shall be You shall be mine I claim you
not for my pleasure but for my Sovereigns service«
»I am not fit for it I have no vocation« I said
He had calculated on these first objections he was not irritated by them
Indeed as he leaned back against the crag behind him folded his arms on his
chest and fixed his countenance I saw he was prepared for a long and trying
opposition and had taken in a stock of patience to last him to its close
resolved however that that close should be conquest for him
»Humility Jane« said he »is the groundwork of Christian virtues you say
right that you are not fit for the work Who is fit for it Or who that ever
was truly called believed himself worthy of the summons I for instance am
but dust and ashes With St Paul I acknowledge myself the chiefest of sinners
but I do not suffer this sense of my personal vileness to daunt me I know my
Leader that He is just as well as mighty and while He has chosen a feeble
instrument to perform a great task He will from the boundless stores of His
providence supply the inadequacy of the means to the end Think like me Jane
trust like me It is the Rock of Ages I ask you to lean on do not doubt but it
will bear the weight of your human weakness«
»I do not understand a missionary life I have never studied missionary
labours«
»There I humble as I am can give you the aid you want I can set your
task from hour to hour stand by you always help you from moment to moment
This I could do in the beginning soon for I know your powers you would be as
strong and apt as myself and would not require my help«
»But my powers where are they for this undertaking I do not feel them
Nothing speaks or stirs in me while you talk I am sensible of no light kindling
no life quickening no voice counselling or cheering Oh I wish I could make
you see how much my mind is at this moment like a rayless dungeon with one
shrinking fear fettered in its depths the fear of being persuaded by you to
attempt what I cannot accomplish«
»I have an answer for you hear it I have watched you ever since we first
met I have made you my study for ten months I have proved you in that time by
sundry tests and what have I seen and elicited In the village school I found
you could perform well punctually uprightly labour uncongenial to your habits
and inclinations I saw you could perform it with capacity and tact you could
win while you controlled In the calm with which you learnt you had become
suddenly rich I read a mind clear of the vice of Demas lucre had no undue
power over you In the resolute readiness with which you cut your wealth into
four shares keeping but one to yourself and relinquishing the three others to
the claim of abstract justice I recognised a soul that revelled in the flame
and excitement of sacrifice In the tractability with which at my wish you
forsook a study in which you were interested and adopted another because it
interested me in the untiring assiduity with which you have since persevered in
it in the unflagging energy and unshaken temper with which you have met its
difficulties I acknowledge the complement of the qualities I seek Jane you
are docile diligent disinterested faithful constant and courageous very
gentle and very heroic cease to mistrust yourself I can trust you
unreservedly As a conductress of Indian schools and a helper amongst Indian
women your assistance will be to me invaluable«
My iron shroud contracted round me persuasion advanced with slow sure step
Shut my eyes as I would these last words of his succeeded in making the way
which had seemed blocked up comparatively clear My work which had appeared so
vague so hopelessly diffuse condensed itself as he proceeded and assumed a
definite form under his shaping hand He waited for an answer I demanded a
quarter of an hour to think before I again hazarded a reply
»Very willingly« he rejoined and rising he strode a little distance up
the pass threw himself down on a swell of heath and there lay still
»I can do what he wants me to do I am forced to see and acknowledge that«
I meditated »That is if life be spared me But I feel mine is not the
existence to be long protracted under an Indian sun What then He does not
care for that when my time came to die he would resign me in all serenity and
sanctity to the God who gave me The case is very plain before me In leaving
England I should leave a loved but empty land Mr Rochester is not there and
if he were what is what can that ever be to me My business is to live without
him now nothing so absurd so weak as to drag on from day to day as if I were
waiting some impossible change in circumstances which might reunite me to him
Of course as St John once said I must seek another interest in life to replace
the one lost is not the occupation he now offers me truly the most glorious man
can adopt or God assign Is it not by its noble cares and sublime results the
one best calculated to fill the void left by uptorn affections and demolished
hopes I believe I must say Yes and yet I shudder Alas If I join St John I
abandon half myself if I go to India I go to premature death And how will the
interval between leaving England for India and India for the grave be filled
Oh I know well That too is very clear to my vision By straining to satisfy
St John till my sinews ache I shall satisfy him to the finest central point
and farthest outward circle of his expectations If I do go with him if I do
make the sacrifice he urges I will make it absolutely I will throw all on the
altar heart vitals the entire victim He will never love me but he shall
approve me I will show him energies he has not yet seen resources he has never
suspected Yes I can work as hard as he can and with as little grudging
Consent then to his demand is possible but for one item one dreadful
item It is that he asks me to be his wife and has no more of a husbands
heart for me than that frowning giant of a rock down which the stream is
foaming in yonder gorge He prizes me as a soldier would a good weapon and that
is all Unmarried to him this would never grieve me but can I let him complete
his calculations coolly put into practice his plans go through the wedding
ceremony Can I receive from him the bridal ring endure all the forms of love
which I doubt not he would scrupulously observe and know that the spirit was
quite absent Can I bear the consciousness that every endearment he bestows is a
sacrifice made on principle No such a martyrdom would be monstrous I will
never undergo it As his sister I might accompany him not as his wife I will
tell him so«
I looked towards the knoll there he lay still as a prostrate column his
face turned to me his eye beaming watchful and keen He started to his feet
and approached me
»I am ready to go to India if I may go free«
»Your answer requires a commentary« he said »it is not clear«
»You have hitherto been my adopted brother I your adopted sister let us
continue as such you and I had better not marry«
He shook his head »Adopted fraternity will not do in this case If you were
my real sister it would be different I should take you and seek no wife But
as it is either our union must be consecrated and sealed by marriage or it
cannot exist practical obstacles oppose themselves to any other plan Do you
not see it Jane Consider a moment your strong sense will guide you«
I did consider and still my sense such as it was directed me only to the
fact that we did not love each other as man and wife should and therefore it
inferred we ought not to marry I said so »St John« I returned »I regard you
as a brother you me as a sister so let us continue«
»We cannot we cannot« he answered with short sharp determination »it
would not do You have said you will go with me to India remember you have
said that«
»Conditionally«
»Well well To the main point the departure with me from England the
cooperation with me in my future labours you do not object You have already
as good as put your hand to the plough you are too consistent to withdraw it
You have but one end to keep in view how the work you have undertaken can best
be done Simplify your complicated interests feelings thoughts wishes aims
merge all considerations in one purpose that of fulfilling with effect with
power the mission of your great Master To do so you must have a coadjutor
not a brother that is a loose tie but a husband I too do not want a sister
a sister might any day be taken from me I want a wife the sole helpmeet I can
influence efficiently in life and retain absolutely till death«
I shuddered as he spoke I felt his influence in my marrow his hold on my
limbs
»Seek one elsewhere than in me St John seek one fitted to you«
»One fitted to my purpose you mean fitted to my vocation Again I tell
you it is not the insignificant private individual the mere man with the
mans selfish senses I wish to mate it is the missionary«
»And I will give the missionary my energies it is all he wants but not
myself that would be only adding the husk and shell to the kernel For them he
has no use I retain them«
»You cannot you ought not Do you think God will be satisfied with half an
oblation Will He accept a mutilated sacrifice It is the cause of God I
advocate it is under His standard I enlist you I cannot accept on His behalf a
divided allegiance it must be entire«
»Oh I will give my heart to God« I said »You do not want it«
I will not swear reader that there was not something of repressed sarcasm
both in the tone in which I uttered this sentence and in the feeling that
accompanied it I had silently feared St John till now because I had not
understood him He had held me in awe because he had held me in doubt How much
of him was saint how much mortal I could not heretofore tell but revelations
were being made in this conference the analysis of his nature was proceeding
before my eyes I saw his fallibilities I comprehended them I understood that
sitting there where I did on the bank of heath and with that handsome form
before me I sat at the feet of a man erring as I The veil fell from his
hardness and despotism Having felt in him the presence of these qualities I
felt his imperfection and took courage I was with an equal one with whom I
might argue one whom if I saw good I might resist
He was silent after I had uttered the last sentence and I presently risked
an upward glance at his countenance His eye bent on me expressed at once
stern surprise and keen inquiry »Is she sarcastic and sarcastic to me« it
seemed to say »What does this signify«
»Do not let us forget that this is a solemn matter« he said ere long »one
of which we may neither think nor talk lightly without sin I trust Jane you
are in earnest when you say you will give your heart to God it is all I want
Once wrench your heart from man and fix it on your Maker the advancement of
that Makers spiritual kingdom on earth will be your chief delight and
endeavour you will be ready to do at once whatever furthers that end You will
see what impetus would be given to your efforts and mine by our physical and
mental union in marriage the only union that gives a character of permanent
conformity to the destinies and designs of human beings and passing over all
minor caprices all trivial difficulties and delicacies of feeling all
scruple about the degree kind strength or tenderness of mere personal
inclination you will hasten to enter into that union at once«
»Shall I« I said briefly and I looked at his features beautiful in their
harmony but strangely formidable in their still severity at his brow
commanding but not open at his eyes bright and deep and searching but never
soft at his tall imposing figure and fancied myself in idea his wife Oh it
would never do As his curate his comrade all would be right I would cross
oceans with him in that capacity toil under eastern suns in Asian deserts with
him in that office admire and emulate his courage and devotion and vigour
accommodate quietly to his masterhood smile undisturbed at his ineradicable
ambition discriminate the Christian from the man profoundly esteem the one
and freely forgive the other I should suffer often no doubt attached to him
only in this capacity my body would be under rather a stringent yoke but my
heart and mind would be free I should still have my unblighted self to turn to
my natural unenslaved feelings with which to communicate in moments of
loneliness There would be recesses in my mind which would be only mine to
which he never came and sentiments growing there fresh and sheltered which his
austerity could never blight nor his measured warriormarch trample down but
as his wife at his side always and always restrained and always checked
forced to keep the fire of my nature continually low to compel it to burn
inwardly and never utter a cry though the imprisoned flame consumed vital after
vital this would be unendurable
»St John« I exclaimed when I had got so far in my meditation
»Well« he answered icily
»I repeat I freely consent to go with you as your fellowmissionary but
not as your wife I cannot marry you and become part of you«
»A part of me you must become« he answered steadily »otherwise the whole
bargain is void How can I a man not yet thirty take out with me to India a
girl of nineteen unless she be married to me How can we be for ever together
sometimes in solitudes sometimes amidst savage tribes and unwed«
»Very well« I said shortly »under the circumstances quite as well as if I
were either your real sister or a man and a clergyman like yourself«
»It is known that you are not my sister I cannot introduce you as such to
attempt it would be to fasten injurious suspicions on us both And for the rest
though you have a mans vigorous brain you have a womans heart and it would
not do«
»It would do« I affirmed with some disdain »perfectly well I have a
womans heart but not where you are concerned for you I have only a comrades
constancy a fellowsoldiers frankness fidelity fraternity if you like a
neophytes respect and submission to his hierophant nothing more dont fear«
»It is what I want« he said speaking to himself »it is just what I want
And there are obstacles in the way they must be hewn down Jane you would not
repent marrying me be certain of that we must be married I repeat it there
is no other way and undoubtedly enough of love would follow upon marriage to
render the union right even in your eyes«
»I scorn your idea of love« I could not help saying as I rose up and stood
before him leaning my back against the rock »I scorn the counterfeit sentiment
you offer yes St John and I scorn you when you offer it«
He looked at me fixedly compressing his wellcut lips while he did so
Whether he was incensed or surprised or what it was not easy to tell he could
command his countenance thoroughly
»I scarcely expected to hear that expression from you« he said »I think I
have done and uttered nothing to deserve scorn«
I was touched by his gentle tone and overawed by his high calm mien
»Forgive me the words St John but it is your own fault that I have been
roused to speak so unguardedly You have introduced a topic on which our natures
are at variance a topic we should never discuss the very name of love is an
apple of discord between us if the reality were required what should we do
How should we feel My dear cousin abandon your scheme of marriage forget
it«
»No« said he »it is a longcherished scheme and the only one which can
secure my great end but I shall urge you no further at present Tomorrow I
leave home for Cambridge I have many friends there to whom I should wish to say
farewell I shall be absent a fortnight take that space of time to consider my
offer and do not forget that if you reject it it is not me you deny but God
Through my means He opens to you a noble career as my wife only can you enter
upon it Refuse to be my wife and you limit yourself for ever to a track of
selfish ease and barren obscurity Tremble lest in that case you should be
numbered with those who have denied the faith and are worse than infidels«
He had done Turning from me he once more
»Looked to river looked to hill«
But this time his feelings were all pent in his heart I was not worthy to hear
them uttered As I walked by his side homeward I read well in his iron silence
all he felt towards me the disappointment of an austere and despotic nature
which has met resistance where it expected submission the disapprobation of a
cool inflexible judgment which has detected in another feelings and views in
which it has no power to sympathize in short as a man he would have wished to
coerce me into obedience it was only as a sincere Christian he bore so
patiently with my perversity and allowed so long a space for reflection and
repentance
That night after he had kissed his sisters he thought proper to forget
even to shake hands with me but left the room in silence I who though I had
no love had much friendship for him was hurt by the marked omission so much
hurt that tears started to my eyes
»I see you and St John have been quarrelling Jane« said Diana »during
your walk on the moor But go after him he is now lingering in the passage
expecting you he will make it up«
I have not much pride under such circumstances I would always rather be
happy than dignified and I ran after him he stood at the foot of the stairs
»Goodnight St John« said I
»Goodnight Jane« he replied calmly
»Then shake hands« I added
What a cold loose touch he impressed on my fingers He was deeply
displeased by what had occurred that day cordiality would not warm nor tears
move him No happy reconciliation was to be had with him no cheering smile or
generous word but still the Christian was patient and placid and when I asked
him if he forgave me he answered that he was not in the habit of cherishing the
remembrance of vexation that he had nothing to forgive not having been
offended
And with that answer he left me I would much rather he had knocked me
down
Chapter XXXV
He did not leave for Cambridge the next day as he had said he would He
deferred his departure a whole week and during that time he made me feel what
severe punishment a good yet stern a conscientious yet implacable man can
inflict on one who has offended him Without one overt act of hostility one
upbraiding word he contrived to impress me momently with the conviction that I
was put beyond the pale of his favour
Not that St John harboured a spirit of unchristian vindictiveness not that
he would have injured a hair of my head if it had been fully in his power to do
so Both by nature and principle he was superior to the mean gratification of
vengeance he had forgiven me for saying I scorned him and his love but he had
not forgotten the words and as long as he and I lived he never would forget
them I saw by his look when he turned to me that they were always written on
the air between me and him whenever I spoke they sounded in my voice to his
ear and their echo toned every answer he gave me
He did not abstain from conversing with me he even called me as usual each
morning to join him at his desk and I fear the corrupt man within him had a
pleasure unimparted to and unshared by the pure Christian in evincing with
what skill he could while acting and speaking apparently just as usual extract
from every deed and every phrase the spirit of interest and approval which had
formerly communicated a certain austere charm to his language and manner To me
he was in reality become no longer flesh but marble his eye was a cold
bright blue gem his tongue a speaking instrument nothing more
All this was torture to me refined lingering torture It kept up a slow
fire of indignation and a trembling trouble of grief which harassed and
crushed me altogether I felt how if I were his wife this good man pure as
the deep sunless source could soon kill me without drawing from my veins a
single drop of blood or receiving on his own crystal conscience the faintest
stain of crime Especially I felt this when I made any attempt to propitiate
him No ruth met my ruth He experienced no suffering from estrangement no
yearning after reconciliation and though more than once my fast falling tears
blistered the page over which we both bent they produced no more effect on him
than if his heart had been really a matter of stone or metal To his sisters
meantime he was somewhat kinder than usual as if afraid that mere coldness
would not sufficiently convince me how completely I was banished and banned he
added the force of contrast and this I am sure he did not by malice but on
principle
The night before he left home happening to see him walking in the garden
about sunset and remembering as I looked at him that this man alienated as
he now was had once saved my life and that we were near relations I was moved
to make a last attempt to regain his friendship I went out and approached him
as he stood leaning over the little gate I spoke to the point at once
»St John I am unhappy because you are still angry with me Let us be
friends«
»I hope we are friends« was the unmoved reply while he still watched the
rising of the moon which he had been contemplating as I approached
»No St John we are not friends as we were You know that«
»Are we not That is wrong For my part I wish you no ill and all good«
»I believe you St John for I am sure you are incapable of wishing any one
ill but as I am your kinswoman I should desire somewhat more of affection
than that sort of general philanthropy you extend to mere strangers«
»Of course« he said »Your wish is reasonable and I am far from regarding
you as a stranger«
This spoken in a cool tranquil tone was mortifying and baffling enough
Had I attended to the suggestions of pride and ire I should immediately have
left him but something worked within me more strongly than those feelings
could I deeply venerated my cousins talent and principle His friendship was
of value to me to lose it tried me severely I would not so soon relinquish the
attempt to reconquer it
»Must we part in this way St John And when you go to India will you leave
me so without a kinder word than you have yet spoken«
He now turned quite from the moon and faced me
»When I go to India Jane will I leave you What do you not go to India«
»You said I could not unless I married you«
»And you will not marry me You adhere to that resolution«
Reader do you know as I do what terror those cold people can put into the
ice of their questions How much of the fall of the avalanche is in their anger
of the breaking up of the frozen sea in their displeasure
»No St John I will not marry you I adhere to my resolution«
The avalanche had shaken and slid a little forward but it did not yet crash
down
»Once more why this refusal« he asked
»Formerly« I answered »because you did not love me now I reply because
you almost hate me If I were to marry you you would kill me You are killing
me now«
His lips and cheeks turned white quite white
»I should kill you I am killing you Your words are such as ought not to
be used violent unfeminine and untrue They betray an unfortunate state of
mind they merit severe reproof they would seem inexcusable but that it is the
duty of man to forgive his fellow even until seventyandseven times«
I had finished the business now While earnestly wishing to erase from his
mind the trace of my former offence I had stamped on that tenacious surface
another and far deeper impression I had burnt it in
»Now you will indeed hate me« I said »It is useless to attempt to
conciliate you I see I have made an eternal enemy of you«
A fresh wrong did these words inflict the worse because they touched on
the truth That bloodless lip quivered to a temporary spasm I knew the steelly
ire I had whetted I was heartwrung
»You utterly misinterpret my words« I said at once seizing his hand »I
have no intention to grieve or pain you indeed I have not«
Most bitterly he smiled most decidedly he withdrew his hand from mine
»And now you recall your promise and will not go to India at all I presume«
said he after a considerable pause
»Yes I will as your assistant« I answered
A very long silence succeeded What struggle there was in him between Nature
and Grace in this interval I cannot tell only singular gleams scintillated in
his eyes and strange shadows passed over his face He spoke at last
»I before proved to you the absurdity of a single woman of your age
proposing to accompany abroad a single man of mine I proved it to you in such
terms as I should have thought would have prevented your ever again alluding
to the plan That you have done so I regret for your sake«
I interrupted him Anything like a tangible reproach gave me courage at
once »Keep to common sense St John you are verging on nonsense You pretend
to be shocked by what I have said You are not really shocked for with your
superior mind you cannot be either so dull or so conceited as to misunderstand
my meaning I say again I will be your curate if you like but never your
wife«
Again he turned lividly pale but as before controlled his passion
perfectly He answered emphatically but calmly
»A female curate who is not my wife would never suit me With me then it
seems you cannot go but if you are sincere in your offer I will while in
town speak to a married missionary whose wife needs a coadjutor Your own
fortune will make you independent of the Societys aid and thus you may still
be spared the dishonour of breaking your promise and deserting the band you
engaged to join«
Now I never had as the reader knows either given any formal promise or
entered into any engagement and this language was all much too hard and much
too despotic for the occasion I replied
»There is no dishonour no breach of promise no desertion in the case I am
not under the slightest obligation to go to India especially with strangers
With you I would have ventured much because I admire confide in and as a
sister I love you but I am convinced that go when and with whom I would I
should not live long in that climate«
»Ah you are afraid of yourself« he said curling his lip
»I am God did not give me my life to throw away and to do as you wish me
would I begin to think be almost equivalent to committing suicide Moreover
before I definitively resolve on quitting England I will know for certain
whether I cannot be of greater use by remaining in it than by leaving it«
»What do you mean«
»It would be fruitless to attempt to explain but there is a point on which
I have long endured painful doubt and I can go nowhere till by some means that
doubt is removed«
»I know where your heart turns and to what it clings The interest you
cherish is lawless and unconsecrated Long since you ought to have crushed it
now you should blush to allude to it You think of Mr Rochester«
It was true I confessed it by silence
»Are you going to seek Mr Rochester«
»I must find out what is become of him«
»It remains for me then« he said »to remember you in my prayers and to
entreat God for you in all earnestness that you may not indeed become a
castaway I had thought I recognised in you one of the chosen But God sees not
as man sees His will be done«
He opened the gate passed through it and strayed away down the glen He
was soon out of sight
On reentering the parlour I found Diana standing at the window looking
very thoughtful Diana was a great deal taller than I she put her hand on my
shoulder and stooping examined my face
»Jane« she said »you are always agitated and pale now I am sure there is
something the matter Tell me what business St John and you have on hands I
have watched you this half hour from the window you must forgive my being such
a spy but for a long time I have fancied I hardly know what St John is a
strange being «
She paused I did not speak soon she resumed
»That brother of mine cherishes peculiar views of some sort respecting you
I am sure he has long distinguished you by a notice and interest he never
showed to any one else to what end I wish he loved you does he Jane«
I put her cool hand to my hot forehead »No Die not one whit«
»Then why does he follow you so with his eyes and get you so frequently
alone with him and keep you so continually at his side Mary and I had both
concluded he wished you to marry him«
»He does he has asked me to be his wife«
Diana clapped her hands »That is just what we hoped and thought And you
will marry him Jane wont you And then he will stay in England«
»Far from that Diana his sole idea in proposing to me is to procure a
fitting fellowlabourer in his Indian toils«
»What He wishes you to go to India«
»Yes«
»Madness« she exclaimed »You would not live three months there I am
certain You never shall go you have not consented have you Jane«
»I have refused to marry him «
»And have consequently displeased him« she suggested
»Deeply he will never forgive me I fear yet I offered to accompany him as
his sister«
»It was frantic folly to do so Jane Think of the task you undertook one
of incessant fatigue where fatigue kills even the strong and you are weak St
John you know him would urge you to impossibilities with him there would be
no permission to rest during the hot hours and unfortunately I have noticed
whatever he exacts you force yourself to perform I am astonished you found
courage to refuse his hand You do not love him then Jane«
»Not as a husband«
»Yet he is a handsome fellow«
»And I am so plain you see Die We should never suit«
»Plain You Not at all You are much too pretty as well as too good to be
grilled alive in Calcutta« And again she earnestly conjured me to give up all
thoughts of going out with her brother
»I must indeed« I said »for when just now I repeated the offer of serving
him for a deacon he expressed himself shocked at my want of decency He seemed
to think I had committed an impropriety in proposing to accompany him unmarried
as if I had not from the first hoped to find in him a brother and habitually
regarded him as such«
»What makes you say he does not love you Jane«
»You should hear himself on the subject He has again and again explained
that it is not himself but his office he wishes to mate He has told me I am
formed for labour not for love which is true no doubt But in my opinion
if I am not formed for love it follows that I am not formed for marriage Would
it not be strange Die to be chained for life to a man who regarded one but as
a useful tool« »Insupportable unnatural out of the question«
»And then« I continued »though I have only sisterly affection for him now
yet if forced to be his wife I can imagine the possibility of conceiving an
inevitable strange torturing kind of love for him because he is so talented
and there is often a certain heroic grandeur in his look manner and
conversation In that case my lot would become unspeakably wretched He would
not want me to love him and if I showed the feeling he would make me sensible
that it was a superfluity unrequired by him unbecoming in me I know he
would«
»And yet St John is a good man« said Diana
»He is a good and a great man but he forgets pitilessly the feelings and
claims of little people in pursuing his own large views It is better
therefore for the insignificant to keep out of his way lest in his progress
he should trample them down Here he comes I will leave you Diana« And I
hastened up stairs as I saw him entering the garden
But I was forced to meet him again at supper During that meal he appeared
just as composed as usual I had thought he would hardly speak to me and I was
certain he had given up the pursuit of his matrimonial scheme the sequel showed
I was mistaken on both points He addressed me precisely in his ordinary manner
or what had of late been his ordinary manner one scrupulously polite No
doubt he had invoked the help of the Holy Spirit to subdue the anger I had
roused in him and now believed he had forgiven me once more
For the evening reading before prayers he selected the twentyfirst chapter
of Revelations It was at all times pleasant to listen while from his lips fell
the words of the Bible never did his fine voice sound at once so sweet and full
never did his manner become so impressive in its noble simplicity as when he
delivered the oracles of God and tonight that voice took a more solemn tone
that manner a more thrilling meaning as he sat in the midst of his household
circle the May moon shining in through the uncurtained window and rendering
almost unnecessary the light of the candle on the table as he sat there
bending over the great old Bible and described from its page the vision of the
new heaven and the new earth told how God would come to dwell with men how he
would wipe away all tears from their eyes and promised that there should be no
more death neither sorrow nor crying nor any more pain because the former
things were passed away
The succeeding words thrilled me strangely as he spoke them especially as I
felt by the slight indescribable alteration in sound that in uttering them
his eye had turned on me
»He that overcometh shall inherit all things and I will be his God and he
shall be my son But« was slowly distinctly read »the fearful the
unbelieving etc shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and
brimstone which is the second death«
Henceforward I knew what fate St John feared for me
A calm subdued triumph blent with a longing earnestness marked his
enunciation of the last glorious verses of that chapter The reader believed his
name was already written in the Lambs book of life and he yearned after the
hour which should admit him to the city to which the kings of the earth bring
their glory and honour which has no need of sun or moon to shine in it because
the glory of God lightens it and the Lamb is the light thereof
In the prayer following the chapter all his energy gathered all his stern
zeal woke he was in deep earnest wrestling with God and resolved on a
conquest He supplicated strength for the weakhearted guidance for wanderers
from the fold a return even at the eleventh hour for those whom the
temptations of the world and the flesh were luring from the narrow path He
asked he urged he claimed the boon of a brand snatched from the burning
Earnestness is ever deeply solemn first as I listened to that prayer I
wondered at his then when it continued and rose I was touched by it and at
last awed He felt the greatness and goodness of his purpose so sincerely
others who heard him plead for it could not but feel it too
The prayer over we took leave of him he was to go at a very early hour in
the morning Diana and Mary having kissed him left the room in compliance I
think with a whispered hint from him I tendered my hand and wished him a
pleasant journey
»Thank you Jane As I said I shall return from Cambridge in a fortnight
that space then is yet left you for reflection If I listened to human pride
I should say no more to you of marriage with me but I listen to my duty and
keep steadily in view my first aim to do all things to the glory of God My
Master was longsuffering so will I be I cannot give you up to perdition as a
vessel of wrath repent resolve while there is yet time Remember we are bid
to work while it is day warned that the night cometh when no man shall work
Remember the fate of Dives who had his good things in this life God give you
strength to choose that better part which shall not be taken from you«
He laid his hand on my head as he uttered the last words He had spoken
earnestly mildly his look was not indeed that of a lover beholding his
mistress but it was that of a pastor recalling his wandering sheep or better
of a guardian angel watching the soul for which he is responsible All men of
talent whether they be men of feeling or not whether they be zealots or
aspirants or despots provided only they be sincere have their sublime
moments when they subdue and rule I felt veneration for St John veneration
so strong that its impetus thrust me at once to the point I had so long shunned
I was tempted to cease struggling with him to rush down the torrent of his
will into the gulf of his existence and there lose my own I was almost as hard
beset by him now as I had been once before in a different way by another I
was a fool both times To have yielded then would have been an error of
principle to have yielded now would have been an error of judgment So I think
at this hour when I look back to the crisis through the quiet medium of time I
was unconscious of folly at the instant
I stood motionless under my hierophants touch My refusals were forgotten
my fears overcome my wrestlings paralyzed The Impossible ie my marriage
with St John was fast becoming the Possible All was changing utterly with a
sudden sweep Religion called Angels beckoned God commanded life rolled
together like a scroll deaths gates opening shewed eternity beyond it
seemed that for safety and bliss there all here might be sacrificed in a
second The dim room was full of visions
»Could you decide now« asked the missionary The inquiry was put in gentle
tones he drew me to him as gently Oh that gentleness how far more potent is
it than force I could resist St Johns wrath I grew pliant as a reed under his
kindness Yet I knew all the time if I yielded now I should not the less be
made to repent some day of my former rebellion His nature was not changed by
one hour of solemn prayer it was only elevated
»I could decide if I were but certain« I answered »were I but convinced
that it is Gods will I should marry you I could vow to marry you here and now
come afterwards what would«
»My prayers are heard« ejaculated St John He pressed his hand firmer on my
head as if he claimed me he surrounded me with his arm almost as if he loved
me I say almost I knew the difference for I had felt what it was to be
loved but like him I had now put love out of the question and thought only
of duty I contended with my inward dimness of vision before which clouds yet
rolled I sincerely deeply fervently longed to do what was right and only
that »Shew me shew me the path« I entreated of Heaven I was excited more
than I had ever been and whether what followed was the effect of excitement
the reader shall judge
All the house was still for I believe all except St John and myself were
now retired to rest The one candle was dying out the room was full of
moonlight My heart beat fast and thick I heard its throb Suddenly it stood
still to an inexpressible feeling that thrilled it through and passed at once
to my head and extremities The feeling was not like an electric shock but it
was quite as sharp as strange as startling it acted on my senses as if their
utmost activity hitherto had been but torpor from which they were now summoned
and forced to wake They rose expectant eye and ear waited while the flesh
quivered on my bones
»What have you heard What do you see« asked St John I saw nothing but I
heard a voice somewhere cry
»Jane Jane Jane« nothing more
»Oh God what is it« I gasped
I might have said »Where is it« for it did not seem in the room nor in
the house nor in the garden it did not come out of the air nor from under
the earth nor from overhead I had heard it where or whence for ever
impossible to know And it was the voice of a human being a known loved
wellremembered voice that of Edward Fairfax Rochester and it spoke in pain
and woe wildly eerily urgently
»I am coming« I cried »Wait for me Oh I will come« I flew to the door
and looked into the passage it was dark I ran out into the garden it was
void
»Where are you« I exclaimed
The hills beyond MarshGlen sent the answer faintly back »Where are you«
I listened The wind sighed low in the firs all was moorland loneliness and
midnight hush
»Down superstition« I commented as that spectre rose up black by the black
yew at the gate »This is not thy deception nor thy witchcraft it is the work
of nature She was roused and did no miracle but her best«
I broke from St John who had followed and would have detained me It was
my time to assume ascendancy My powers were in play and in force I told him
to forbear question or remark I desired him to leave me I must and would be
alone He obeyed at once Where there is energy to command well enough
obedience never fails I mounted to my chamber locked myself in fell on my
knees and prayed in my way a different way to St Johns but effective in its
own fashion I seemed to penetrate very near a Mighty Spirit and my soul rushed
out in gratitude at His feet I rose from the thanksgiving took a resolve
and lay down unscared enlightened eager but for the daylight
Chapter XXXVI
The daylight came I rose at dawn I busied myself for an hour or two with
arranging my things in my chamber drawers and wardrobe in the order wherein I
should wish to leave them during a brief absence Meantime I heard St John quit
his room He stopped at my door I feared he would knock no but a slip of
paper was passed under the door I took it up It bore these words
»You left me too suddenly last night Had you stayed but a little longer
you would have laid your hand on the Christians cross and the angels crown I
shall expect your clear decision when I return this day fortnight Meantime
watch and pray that you enter not into temptation the spirit I trust is
willing but the flesh I see is weak I shall pray for you hourly Yours St
John«
»My spirit« I answered mentally »is willing to do what is right and my
flesh I hope is strong enough to accomplish the will of Heaven when once that
will is distinctly known to me At any rate it shall be strong enough to search
inquire to grope an outlet from this clowd of doubt and find the open day
of certainty«
It was the first of June yet the morning was overcast and chilly rain beat
fast on my casement I heard the frontdoor open and St John pass out Looking
through the window I saw him traverse the garden He took the way over the
misty moors in the direction of Whitcross there he would meet the coach
»In a few more hours I shall succeed you in that track cousin« thought I
»I too have a coach to meet at Whitcross I too have some to see and ask after
in England before I depart for ever«
It wanted yet two hours of breakfasttime I filled the interval in walking
softly about my room and pondering the visitation which had given my plans
their present bent I recalled that inward sensation I had experienced for I
could recall it with all its unspeakable strangeness I recalled the voice I
had heard again I questioned whence it came as vainly as before it seemed in
me not in the external world I asked was it a mere nervous impression a
delusion I could not conceive or believe it it was more like an inspiration
The wondrous shock of feeling had come like the earthquake which shook the
foundations of Paul and Silass prison it had opened the doors of the souls
cell and loosed its bands it had wakened it out of its sleep whence it
sprang trembling listening aghast then vibrated thrice a cry on my startled
ear and in my quaking heart and through my spirit which neither feared nor
shook but exulted as if in joy over the success of one effort it had been
privileged to make independent of the cumbrous body
»Ere many days« I said as I terminated my musings »I will know something
of him whose voice seemed last night to summon me Letters have proved of no
avail personal inquiry shall replace them«
At breakfast I announced to Diana and Mary that I was going a journey and
should be absent at least four days
»Alone Jane« they asked
»Yes it was to see or hear news of a friend about whom I had for some
time been uneasy«
They might have said as I have no doubt they thought that they had
believed me to be without any friends save them for indeed I had often said
so but with their true natural delicacy they abstained from comment except
that Diana asked me if I was sure I was well enough to travel I looked very
pale she observed I replied that nothing ailed me save anxiety of mind which
I hoped soon to alleviate
It was easy to make my further arrangements for I was troubled with no
inquiries no surmises Having once explained to them that I could not now be
explicit about my plans they kindly and wisely acquiesced in the silence with
which I pursued them according to me the privilege of free action I should
under similar circumstances have accorded them
I left MoorHouse at three oclock PM and soon after four I stood at the
foot of the signpost of Whitcross waiting the arrival of the coach which was
to take me to distant Thornfield Amidst the silence of those solitary roads and
desert hills I heard it approach from a great distance It was the same vehicle
whence a year ago I had alighted one summer evening on this very spot how
desolate and hopeless and objectless It stopped as I beckoned I entered
not now obliged to part with my whole fortune as the price of its accommodation
Once more on the road to Thornfield I felt like the messengerpigeon flying
home
It was a journey of sixandthirty hours I had set out from Whitcross on a
Tuesday afternoon and early on the succeeding Thursday morning the coach
stopped to water the horses at a wayside inn situated in the midst of scenery
whose green hedges and large fields and low pastoral hills how mild of
feature and verdant of hue compared with the stern northmidland moors of
Morton met my eye like the lineaments of a once familiar face Yes I knew the
character of this landscape I was sure we were near my bourne
»How far is ThornfieldHall from here« I asked of the ostler
»Just two miles maam across the fields«
»My journey is closed« I thought to myself I got out of the coach gave a
box I had into the ostlers charge to be kept till I called for it paid my
fare satisfied the coachman and was going the brightening day gleamed on the
sign of the inn and I read in gilt letters »The Rochester Arms« My heart
leapt up I was already on my masters very lands It fell again the thought
struck it
»Your master himself may be beyond the British Channel for aught you know
and then if he is at ThornfieldHall towards which you hasten who besides him
is there His lunatic wife and you have nothing to do with him you dare not
speak to him or seek his presence You have lost your labour you had better go
no farther« urged the monitor »Ask information of the people at the inn they
can give you all you seek they can solve your doubts at once Go up to that
man and inquire if Mr Rochester be at home«
The suggestion was sensible and yet I could not force myself to act on it
I so dreaded a reply that would crush me with despair To prolong doubt was to
prolong hope I might yet once more see the Hall under the ray of her star
There was the stile before me the very fields through which I had hurried
blind deaf distracted with a revengeful fury tracking and scourging me on
the morning I fled from Thornfield ere I well knew what course I had resolved
to take I was in the midst of them How fast I walked How I ran sometimes How
I looked forward to catch the first view of the wellknown woods With what
feelings I welcomed single trees I knew and familiar glimpses of meadow and
hill between them
At last the woods rose the rookery clustered dark a loud cawing broke the
morning stillness Strange delight inspired me on I hastened Another field
crossed a lane threaded and there were the courtyard walls the
backoffices the house itself the rookery still hid »My first view of it
shall be in front« I determined »where its bold battlements will strike the
eye nobly at once and where I can single out my masters very window perhaps
he will be standing at it he rises early perhaps he is now walking in the
orchard or on the pavement in front Could I but see him but a moment
Surely in that case I should not be so mad as to run to him I cannot tell I
am not certain And if I did what then God bless him What then Who would be
hurt by my once more tasting the life his glance can give me I rave perhaps
at this moment he is watching the sun rise over the Pyrenees or on the tideless
sea of the south«
I had coasted along the lower wall of the orchard turned its angle there
was a gate just there opening into the meadow between two stone pillars
crowned by stone balls From behind one pillar I could peep round quietly at
the full front of the mansion I advanced my head with precaution desirous to
ascertain if any bedroom windowblinds were yet drawn up battlements windows
long front all from this sheltered station were at my command
The crows sailing overhead perhaps watched me while I took this survey I
wonder what they thought they must have considered I was very careful and timid
at first and that gradually I grew very bold and reckless A peep and then a
long stare and then a departure from my niche and a straying out into the
meadow and a sudden stop full in front of the great mansion and a protracted
hardy gaze towards it »What affectation of diffidence was this at first« they
might have demanded »What stupid regardlessness now«
Hear an illustration reader
A lover finds his mistress asleep on a mossy bank he wishes to catch a
glimpse of her fair face without waking her He steals softly over the grass
careful to make no sound he pauses fancying she has stirred he withdraws
not for worlds would he be seen All is still he again advances he bends above
her a light veil rests on her features he lifts it bends lower now his eyes
anticipate the vision of beauty warm and blooming and lovely in rest How
hurried was their first glance But how they fix How he starts How he suddenly
and vehemently clasps in both arms the form he dared not a moment since touch
with his finger How he calls aloud a name and drops his burden and gazes on
it wildly He thus grasps and cries and gazes because he no longer fears to
waken by any sound he can utter by any movement he can make He thought his
love slept sweetly he finds she is stonedead
I looked with timorous joy towards a stately house I saw a blackened ruin
No need to cower behind a gatepost indeed to peep up at chamber
lattices fearing life was astir behind them No need to listen for doors
opening to fancy steps on the pavement or the gravelwalk The lawn the
grounds were trodden and waste the portal yawned void The front was as I had
once seen it in a dream but a shelllike wall very high and very fragile
looking perforated with paneless windows no roof no battlements no chimneys
all had crashed in
And there was the silence of death about it the solitude of a lonesome
wild No wonder that letters addressed to people here had never received an
answer as well despatch epistles to a vault in a churchaisle The grim
blackness of the stones told by what fate the Hall had fallen by
conflagration but how kindled What story belonged to this disaster What loss
besides mortar and marble and woodwork had followed upon it Had life been
wrecked as well as property If so whose Dreadful question there was no one
here to answer it not even dumb sign mute token
In wandering round the shattered walls and through the devastated interior
I gathered evidence that the calamity was not of late occurrence Winter snows
I thought had drifted through that void arch winter rains beaten in at those
hollow casements for amidst the drenched piles of rubbish spring had
cherished vegetation grass and weed grew here and there between the stones and
fallen rafters And oh where meantime was the hapless owner of this wreck In
what land Under what auspices My eye involuntarily wandered to the gray church
tower near the gates and I asked »Is he with Damer de Rochester sharing the
shelter of his narrow marble house«
Some answer must be had to these questions I could find it nowhere but at
the inn and thither ere long I returned The host himself brought my breakfast
into the parlour I requested him to shut the door and sit down I had some
questions to ask him But when he complied I scarcely knew how to begin such
horror had I of the possible answers And yet the spectacle of desolation I had
just left prepared me in a measure for a tale of misery The host was a
respectablelooking middleaged man
»You know Thornfield Hall of course« I managed to say at last
»Yes maam I lived there once«
»Did you« Not in my time I thought you are a stranger to me
»I was the late Mr Rochesters butler« he added
The late I seemed to have received with full force the blow I had been
trying to evade
»The late« I gasped »Is he dead«
»I mean the present gentleman Mr Edwards father« he explained I
breathed again my blood resumed its flow Fully assured by these words that Mr
Edward my Mr Rochester God bless him wherever he was was at least alive
was in short »the present gentleman« Gladdening words It seemed I could hear
all that was to come whatever the disclosures might be with comparative
tranquillity Since he was not in the grave I could bear I thought to learn
that he was at the Antipodes
»Is Mr Rochester living at ThornfieldHall now« I asked knowing of
course what the answer would be but yet desirous of deferring the direct
question as to where he really was
»No maam oh no No one is living there I suppose you are a stranger in
these parts or you would have heard what happened last autumn
ThornfieldHall is quite a ruin it was burnt down just about harvest time A
dreadful calamity such an immense quantity of valuable property destroyed
hardly any of the furniture could be saved The fire broke out at dead of night
and before the engines arrived from Millcote the building was one mass of
flame It was a terrible spectacle I witnessed it myself«
»At dead of night« I muttered Yes that was ever the hour of fatality at
Thornfield »Was it known how it originated« I demanded
»They guessed maam they guessed Indeed I should say it was ascertained
beyond a doubt You are not perhaps aware« he continued edging his chair a
little nearer the table and speaking low »that there was a lady a a
lunatic kept in the house«
»I have heard something of it«
»She was kept in very close confinement maam people even for some years
was not absolutely certain of her existence No one saw her they only knew by
rumour that such a person was at the Hall and who or what she was it was
difficult to conjecture They said Mr Edward had brought her from abroad and
some believed she had been his mistress But a queer thing happened a year since
a very queer thing«
I feared now to hear my own story I endeavoured to recall him to the main
fact
»And this lady«
»This lady maam« he answered »turned out to be Mr Rochesters wife The
discovery was brought about in the strangest way There was a young lady a
governess at the Hall that Mr Rochester fell in «
»But the fire« I suggested
»Im coming to that maam that Mr Edward fell in love with The servants
say they never saw anybody so much in love as he was he was after her
continually They used to watch him servants will you know maam and he
set store on her past everything for all nobody but him thought her so very
handsome She was a little small thing they say almost like a child I never
saw her myself but Ive heard Leah the housemaid tell of her Leah liked her
well enough Mr Rochester was about forty and this governess not twenty and
you see when gentlemen of his age fall in love with girls they are often like
as if they were bewitched well he would marry her«
»You shall tell me this part of the story another time« I said »but now I
have a particular reason for wishing to hear all about the fire Was it
suspected that this lunatic Mrs Rochester had any hand in it«
»Youve hit it maam its quite certain that it was her and nobody but
her that set it going She had a woman to take care of her called Mrs Poole
an able woman in her line and very trustworthy but for one fault a fault
common to a deal of them nurses and matrons she kept a private bottle of gin
by her and now and then took a drop over much It is excusable for she had a
hard life of it but still it was dangerous for when Mrs Poole was fast
asleep after the gin and water the mad lady who was as cunning as a witch
would take the keys out of her pocket let herself out of her chamber and go
roaming about the house doing any wild mischief that came into her head They
say she had nearly burnt her husband in his bed once but I dont know about
that However on this night she set fire first to the hangings of the room
next her own and then she got down to a lower story and made her way to the
chamber that had been the governesss she was like as if she knew somehow how
matters had gone on and had a spite at her and she kindled the bed there
but there was nobody sleeping in it fortunately The governess had run away two
months before and for all Mr Rochester sought her as if she had been the most
precious thing he had in the world he never could hear a word of her and he
grew savage quite savage on his disappointment he never was a wild man but
he got dangerous after he lost her He would be alone too He sent Mrs
Fairfax the housekeeper away to her friends at a distance but he did it
handsomely for he settled an annuity on her for life and she deserved it she
was a very good woman Miss Adèle a ward he had was put to school He broke
off acquaintance with all the gentry and shut himself up like a hermit at the
Hall«
»What did he not leave England«
»Leave England Bless you no He would not cross the doorstones of the
house except at night when he walked just like a ghost about the grounds and
in the orchard as if he had lost his senses which it is my opinion he had for
a more spirited bolder keener gentleman than he was before that midge of a
governess crossed him you never saw maam He was not a man given to wine or
cards or racing as some are and he was not so very handsome but he had a
courage and a will of his own if ever man had I knew him from a boy you see
and for my part I have often wished that Miss Eyre had been sunk in the sea
before she came to ThornfieldHall«
»Then Mr Rochester was at home when the fire broke out«
»Yes indeed was he and he went up to the attics when all was burning above
and below and got the servants out of their beds and helped them down himself
and went back to get his mad wife out of her cell And then they called out to
him that she was on the roof where she was standing waving her arms above the
battlements and shouting out till they could hear her a mile off I saw her and
heard her with my own eyes She was a big woman and had long black hair we
could see it streaming against the flames as she stood I witnessed and several
more witnessed Mr Rochester ascend through the skylight on to the roof we
heard him call Bertha We saw him approach her and then maam she yelled and
gave a spring and the next minute she lay smashed on the pavement«
»Dead«
»Dead Ay dead as the stones on which her brains and blood were scattered«
»Good God«
»You may well say so maam it was frightful«
He shuddered
»And afterwards« I urged
»Well maam afterwards the house was burnt to the ground there are only
some bits of walls standing now«
»Were any other lives lost«
»No perhaps it would have been better if there had«
»What do you mean«
»Poor Mr Edward« he ejaculated »I little thought ever to have seen it
Some say it was a just judgment on him for keeping his first marriage secret
and wanting to take another wife while he had one living but I pity him for my
part«
»You said he was alive« I exclaimed
»Yes yes he is alive but many think he had better be dead«
»Why How« My blood was again running cold
»Where is he« I demanded »Is he in England«
»Ay ay hes in England he cant get out of England I fancy hes a
fixture now«
What agony was this And the man seemed resolved to protract it
»He is stoneblind« he said at last »Yes he is stoneblind is Mr
Edward«
I had dreaded worse I had dreaded he was mad I summoned strength to ask
what had caused this calamity
»It was all his own courage and a body may say his kindness in a way
maam he wouldnt leave the house till every one else was out before him As he
came down the great staircase at last after Mrs Rochester had flung herself
from the battlements there was a great crash all fell He was taken out from
under the ruins alive but sadly hurt a beam had fallen in such a way as to
protect him partly but one eye was knocked out and one hand so crushed that
Mr Carter the surgeon had to amputate it directly The other eye inflamed he
lost the sight of that also He is now helpless indeed blind and a cripple«
»Where is he Where does he now live«
»At Ferndean a manorhouse on a farm he has about thirty miles off quite
a desolate spot«
»Who is with him«
»Old John and his wife he would have none else He is quite broken down
they say«
»Have you any sort of conveyance«
»We have a chaise maam a very handsome chaise«
»Let it be got ready instantly and if your postboy can drive me to
Ferndean before dark this day Ill pay both you and him twice the hire you
usually demand«
Chapter XXXVII
The manorhouse of Ferndean was a building of considerable antiquity moderate
size and no architectural pretensions deep buried in a wood I had heard of it
before Mr Rochester often spoke of it and sometimes went there His father
had purchased the estate for the sake of the game covers He would have let the
house but could find no tenant in consequence of its ineligible and
insalubrious site Ferndean then remained uninhabited and unfurnished with the
exception of some two or three rooms fitted up for the accommodation of the
squire when he went there in the season to shoot
To this house I came just ere dark on an evening marked by the
characteristics of sad sky cold gale and continued small penetrating rain
The last mile I performed on foot having dismissed the chaise and driver with
the double remuneration I had promised Even when within a very short distance
of the manorhouse you could see nothing of it so thick and dark grew the
timber of the gloomy wood about it Iron gates between granite pillars showed me
where to enter and passing through them I found myself at once in the twilight
of closeranked trees There was a grassgrown track descending the forest
aisle between hoar and knotty shafts and under branched arches I followed it
expecting soon to reach the dwelling but it stretched on and on it wound far
and farther no sign of habitation or grounds was visible
I thought I had taken a wrong direction and lost my way The darkness of
natural as well as of sylvan dusk gathered over me I looked round in search of
another road There was none all was interwoven stem columnar trunk dense
summer foliage no opening anywhere
I proceeded at last my way opened the trees thinned a little presently I
beheld a railing then the house scarce by this dim light distinguishable
from the trees so dank and green were its decaying walls Entering a portal
fastened only by a latch I stood amidst a space of enclosed ground from which
the wood swept away in a semicircle There were no flowers no gardenbeds only
a broad gravelwalk girdling a grassplat and this set in the heavy frame of
the forest The house presented two pointed gables in its front the windows
were latticed and narrow the frontdoor was narrow too one step led up to it
The whole looked as the host of the Rochester Arms had said »quite a desolate
spot« It was as still as a church on a weekday the pattering rain on the
forest leaves was the only sound audible in its vicinage
»Can there be life here« I asked
Yes life of some kind there was for I heard a movement that narrow
frontdoor was unclosing and some shape was about to issue from the grange
It opened slowly a figure came out into the twilight and stood on the step
a man without a hat he stretched forth his hand as if to feel whether it
rained Dusk as it was I had recognised him it was my master Edward Fairfax
Rochester and no other
I stayed my step almost my breath and stood to watch him to examine him
myself unseen and alas to him invisible It was a sudden meeting and one in
which rapture was kept well in check by pain I had no difficulty in restraining
my voice from exclamation my step from hasty advance
His form was of the same strong and stalwart contour as ever his port was
still erect his hair was still ravenblack nor were his features altered or
sunk not in one years space by any sorrow could his athletic strength be
quelled or his vigorous prime blighted But in his countenance I saw a change
that looked desperate and brooding that reminded me of some wronged and
fettered wild beast or bird dangerous to approach in his sullen woe The caged
eagle whose goldringed eyes cruelty has extinguished might look as looked
that sightless Samson
And reader do you think I feared him in his blind ferocity if you do
you little know me A soft hope blent with my sorrow that soon I should dare to
drop a kiss on that brow of rock and on those lips so sternly sealed beneath
it but not yet I would not accost him yet
He descended the one step and advanced slowly and gropingly towards the
grassplat Where was his daring stride now Then he paused as if he knew not
which way to turn He lifted his hand and opened his eyelids gazed blank and
with a straining effort on the sky and towards the amphitheatre of trees one
saw that all to him was void darkness He stretched his right hand the left
arm the mutilated one he kept hidden in his bosom he seemed to wish by touch
to gain an idea of what lay around him he met but vacancy still for the trees
were some yards off where he stood He relinquished the endeavour folded his
arms and stood quiet and mute in the rain now falling fast on his uncovered
head At this moment John approached him from some quarter
»Will you take my arm sir« he said »there is a heavy shower coming on
had you not better go in«
»Let me alone« was the answer
John withdrew without having observed me Mr Rochester now tried to walk
about vainly all was too uncertain He groped his way back to the house
and reentering it closed the door
I now drew near and knocked Johns wife opened for me »Mary« I said »how
are you«
She started as if she had seen a ghost I calmed her To her hurried »Is it
really you Miss come at this late hour to this only place« I answered by
taking her hand and then I followed her into the kitchen where John now sat by
a good fire I explained to them in few words that I had heard all which had
happened since I left Thornfield and that I was come to see Mr Rochester I
asked John to go down to the turnpikehouse where I had dismissed the chaise
and bring my trunk which I had left there and then while I removed my bonnet
and shawl I questioned Mary as to whether I could be accommodated at the Manor
House for the night and finding that arrangements to that effect though
difficult would not be impossible I informed her I should stay Just at this
moment the parlourbell rang
»When you go in« said I »tell your master that a person wishes to speak to
him but do not give my name«
»I dont think he will see you« she answered »he refuses everybody«
When she returned I inquired what he had said
»You are to send in your name and your business« she replied She then
proceeded to fill a glass with water and place it on a tray together with
candles
»Is that what he rang for« I asked
»Yes he always has candles brought in at dark though he is blind«
»Give the tray to me I will carry it in«
I took it from her hand she pointed me out the parlour door The tray shook
as I held it the water spilt from the glass my heart struck my ribs loud and
fast Mary opened the door for me and shut it behind me
This parlour looked gloomy a neglected handful of fire burnt low in the
grate and leaning over it with his head supported against the high
oldfashioned mantelpiece appeared the blind tenant of the room His old dog
Pilot lay on one side removed out of the way and coiled up as if afraid of
being inadvertently trodden upon Pilot pricked up his ears when I came in then
he jumped up with a yelp and a whine and bounded towards me he almost knocked
the tray from my hands I set it on the table then patted him and said softly
»Lie down« Mr Rochester turned mechanically to see what the commotion was but
as he saw nothing he returned and sighed
»Give me the water Mary« he said
I approached him with the now only halffilled glass Pilot followed me
still excited
»What is the matter« he inquired
»Down Pilot« I again said He checked the water on its way to his lips
and seemed to listen he drank and put the glass down »This is you Mary is
it not«
»Mary is in the kitchen« I answered
He put out his hand with a quick gesture but not seeing where I stood he
did not touch me »Who is this Who is this« he demanded trying as it seemed
to see with those sightless eyes unavailing and distressing attempt »Answer
me speak again« he ordered imperiously and aloud
»Will you have a little more water sir I spilt half of what was in the
glass« I said
»Who is it What is it Who speaks«
»Pilot knows me and John and Mary know I am here I came only this
evening« I answered
»Great God what delusion has come over me What sweet madness has seized
me«
»No delusion no madness your mind sir is too strong for delusion your
health too sound for frenzy«
»And where is the speaker Is it only a voice Oh I cannot see but I must
feel or my heart will stop and my brain burst Whatever whoever you are be
perceptible to the touch or I cannot live«
He groped I arrested his wandering hand and prisoned it in both mine
»Her very fingers« he cried »her small slight angers If so there must
be more of her«
The muscular hand broke from my custody my arm was seized my shoulder
neck waist I was entwined and gathered to him
»Is it Jane What is it This is her shape this is her size «
»And this her voice« I added »She is all here her heart too God bless
you sir I am glad to be so near you again«
»Jane Eyre Jane Eyre« was all he said
»My dear master« I answered »I am Jane Eyre I have found you out I am
come back to you«
»In truth in the flesh My living Jane«
»You touch me sir you hold me and fast enough I am not cold like a
corpse nor vacant like air am I«
»My living darling These are certainly her limbs and these her features
but I cannot be so blest after all my misery It is a dream such dreams as I
have had at night when I have clasped her once more to my heart as I do now
and kissed her as thus and felt that she loved me and trusted that she would
not leave me«
»Which I never will sir from this day«
»Never will says the vision But I always woke and found it an empty
mockery and I was desolate and abandoned my life dark lonely hopeless my
soul athirst and forbidden to drink my heart famished and never to be fed
Gentle soft dream nestling in my arms now you will fly too as your sisters
have all fled before you but kiss me before you go embrace me Jane«
»There sir and there«
I pressed my lips to his once brilliant and now rayless eyes I swept his
hair from his brow and kissed that too He suddenly seemed to rouse himself
the conviction of the reality of all this seized him
»It is you is it Jane You are come back to me then«
»I am«
»And you do not lie dead in some ditch under some stream And you are not a
pining outcast amongst strangers«
»No sir I am an independent woman now«
»Independent What do you mean Jane«
»My uncle in Madeira is dead and he left me five thousand pounds«
»Ah this is practical this is real« he cried »I should never dream
that Besides there is that peculiar voice of hers so animating and piquant
as well as soft it cheers my withered heart it puts life into it What
Janet Are you an independent woman A rich woman«
»Quite rich sir If you wont let me live with you I can build a house of
my own close up to your door and you may come and sit in my parlour when you
want company of an evening«
»But as you are rich Jane you have now no doubt friends who will look
after you and not suffer you to devote yourself to a blind lameter like me«
»I told you I am independent sir as well as rich I am my own mistress«
»And you will stay with me«
»Certainly unless you object I will be your neighbour your nurse your
housekeeper I find you lonely I will be your companion to read to you to
walk with you to sit with you to wait on you to be eyes and hands to you
Cease to look so melancholy my dear master you shall not be left desolate so
long as I live«
He replied not he seemed serious abstracted he sighed he halfopened
his lips as if to speak he closed them again I felt a little embarrassed
Perhaps I had too rashly over leaped conventionalities and he like St John
saw impropriety in my inconsiderateness I had indeed made my proposal from the
idea that he wished and would ask me to be his wife an expectation not the
less certain because unexpressed had buoyed me up that he would claim me at
once as his own But no hint to that effect escaping him and his countenance
becoming more overcast I suddenly remembered that I might have been all wrong
and was perhaps playing the fool unwittingly and I began gently to withdraw
myself from his arms but he eagerly snatched me closer
»No no Jane you must not go No I have touched you heard you felt
the comfort of your presence the sweetness of your consolation I cannot give
up these joys I have little left in myself I must have you The world may
laugh may call me absurd selfish but it does not signify My very soul
demands you it will be satisfied or it will take deadly vengeance on its
frame«
»Well sir I will stay with you I have said so«
»Yes but you understand one thing by staying with me and I understand
another You perhaps could make up your mind to be about my hand and chair
to wait on me as a kind little nurse for you have an affectionate heart and a
generous spirit which prompt you to make sacrifices for those you pity and
that ought to suffice for me no doubt I suppose I should now entertain none but
fatherly feelings for you do you think so Come tell me«
»I will think what you like sir I am content to be only your nurse if you
think it better«
»But you cannot always be my nurse Janet you are young you must marry
one day«
»I dont care about being married«
»You should care Janet if I were what I once was I would try to make you
care but a sightless block«
He relapsed again into gloom I on the contrary became more cheerful and
took fresh courage these last words gave me an insight as to where the
difficulty lay and as it was no difficulty with me I felt quite relieved from
my previous embarrassment I resumed a livelier vein of conversation
»It is time some one undertook to rehumanize you« said I parting his thick
and long uncut locks »for I see you are being metamorphosed into a lion or
something of that sort You have a faux air of Nebuchadnezzar in the fields
about you that is certain your hair reminds me of eagles feathers whether
your nails are grown like birds claws or not I have not yet noticed«
»On this arm I have neither hand nor nails« he said drawing the mutilated
limb from his breast and showing it to me »It is a mere stump a ghastly
sight Dont you think so Jane«
»It is a pity to see it and a pity to see your eyes and the scar of fire
on your forehead and the worst of it is one is in danger of loving you too
well for all this and making too much of you«
»I thought you would be revolted Jane when you saw my arm and my
cicatrized visage«
»Did you Dont tell me so lest I should say something disparaging to your
judgment Now let me leave you an instant to make a better fire and have the
hearth swept up Can you tell when there is a good fire«
»Yes with the right eye I see a glow a ruddy haze«
»And you see the candles«
»Very dimly each is a luminous cloud«
»Can you see me«
»No my fairy but I am only too thankful to hear and feel you«
»When do you take supper«
»I never take supper«
»But you shall have some tonight I am hungry so are you I dare say only
you forget«
Summoning Mary I soon had the room in more cheerful order I prepared him
likewise a comfortable repast My spirits were excited and with pleasure and
ease I talked to him during supper and for a long time after There was no
harassing restraint no repressing of glee and vivacity with him for with him I
was at perfect ease because I knew I suited him all I said or did seemed
either to console or revive him Delightful consciousness It brought to life
and light my whole nature in his presence I thoroughly lived and he lived in
mine Blind as he was smiles played over his face joy dawned on his forehead
his lineaments softened and warmed
After supper he began to ask me many questions of where I had been what I
had been doing how I had found him out but I gave him only very partial
replies it was too late to enter into particulars that night Besides I wished
to touch no deepthrilling chord to open no fresh well of emotion in his
heart my sole present aim was to cheer him Cheered as I have said he was
and yet but by fits If a moments silence broke the conversation he would turn
restless touch me then say »Jane«
»You are altogether a human being Jane You are certain of that«
»I conscientiously believe so Mr Rochester«
»Yet how on this dark and doleful evening could you so suddenly rise on my
lone hearth I stretched my hand to take a glass of water from a hireling and
it was given me by you I asked a question expecting Johns wife to answer me
and your voice spoke at my ear«
»Because I had come in in Marys stead with the tray«
»And there is enchantment in the very hour I am now spending with you Who
can tell what a dark dreary hopeless life I have dragged on for months past
Doing nothing expecting nothing merging night in day feeling but the
sensation of cold when I let the fire go out of hunger when I forgot to eat
and then a ceaseless sorrow and at times a very delirium of desire to behold
my Jane again Yes for her restoration I longed far more than for that of my
lost sight How can it be that Jane is with me and says she loves me Will she
not depart as suddenly as she came Tomorrow I fear I shall find her no more«
A commonplace practical reply out of the train of his own disturbed
ideas was I was sure the best and most reassuring for him in this frame of
mind I passed my finger over his eyebrows and remarked that they were
scorched and that I would apply something which should make them grow as broad
and black as ever
»Where is the use of doing me good in any way beneficent spirit when at
some fatal moment you will again desert me passing like a shadow whither and
how to me unknown and for me remaining afterwards undiscoverable«
»Have you a pocketcomb about you sir«
»What for Jane«
»Just to comb out this shaggy black mane I find you rather alarming when I
examine you close at hand you talk of my being a fairy but I am sure you are
more like a brownie«
»Am I hideous Jane«
»Very sir you always were you know«
»Humph The wickedness has not been taken out of you wherever you have
sojourned«
»Yet I have been with good people far better than you a hundred times
better people possessed of ideas and views you never entertained in your life
quite more refined and exalted«
»Who the deuce have you been with«
»If you twist in that way you will make me pull the hair out of your head
and then I think you will cease to entertain doubts of my substantiality«
»Who have you been with Jane«
»You shall not get it out of me tonight sir you must wait till tomorrow
to leave my tale halftold will you know be a sort of security that I shall
appear at your breakfasttable to finish it Bythebye I must mind not to rise
on your hearth with only a glass of water then I must bring an egg at the
least to say nothing of fried ham«
»You mocking changeling fairyborn and humanbred You make me feel as I
have not felt these twelve months If Saul could have had you for his David the
evil spirit would have been exorcised without the aid of the harp«
»There sir you are redd up and made decent Now Ill leave you I have
been travelling these last three days and I believe I am tired Goodnight«
»Just one word Jane were there only ladies in the house where you have
been«
I laughed and made my escape still laughing as I ran up stairs »A good
idea« I thought with glee »I see I have the means of fretting him out of his
melancholy for some time to come«
Very early the next morning I heard him up and astir wandering from one
room to another As soon as Mary came down I heard the question »Is Miss Eyre
here« Then »Which room did you put her into Was it dry Is she up Go and ask
if she wants anything and when she will come down«
I came down as soon as I thought there was a prospect of breakfast Entering
the room very softly I had a view of him before he discovered my presence It
was mournful indeed to witness the subjugation of that vigorous spirit to a
corporeal infirmity He sat in his chair still but not at rest expectant
evidently the lines of now habitual sadness marking his strong features His
countenance reminded one of a lamp quenched waiting to be relit and alas it
was not himself that could now kindle the lustre of animated expression he was
dependent on another for that office I had meant to be gay and careless but
the powerlessness of the strong man touched my heart to the quick still I
accosted him with what vivacity I could
»It is a bright sunny morning sir« I said »The rain is over and gone
and there is a tender shining after it you shall have a walk soon«
I had wakened the glow his features beamed
»Oh you are indeed there my skylark Come to me You are not gone not
vanished I heard one of your kind an hour ago singing high over the wood but
its song had no music for me any more than the rising sun had rays All the
melody on earth is concentrated in my Janes tongue to my ear I am glad it is
not naturally a silent one all the sunshine I can feel is in her presence«
The water stood in my eyes to hear this avowal of his dependence just as if
a royal eagle chained to a perch should be forced to entreat a sparrow to
become its purveyor But I would not be lachrymose I dashed off the salt drops
and busied myself with preparing breakfast
Most of the morning was spent in the open air I led him out of the wet and
wild wood into some cheerful fields I described to him how brilliantly green
they were how the flowers and hedges looked refreshed how sparklingly blue was
the sky I sought a seat for him in a hidden and lovely spot a dry stump of a
tree nor did I refuse to let him when seated place me on his knee why should
I when both he and I were happier near than apart Pilot lay beside us all was
quiet He broke out suddenly while clasping me in his arms
»Cruel cruel deserter Oh Jane what did I feel when I discovered you had
fled from Thornfield and when I could nowhere find you and after examining
your apartment ascertained that you had taken no money nor anything which
could serve as an equivalent A pearl necklace I had given you lay untouched in
its little casket your trunks were left corded and locked as they had been
prepared for the bridal tour What could my darling do I asked left destitute
and penniless And what did she do Let me hear now«
Thus urged I began the narrative of my experience for the last year I
softened considerably what related to the three days of wandering and
starvation because to have told him all would have been to inflict unnecessary
pain the little I did say lacerated his faithful heart deeper than I wished
I should not have left him thus he said without any means of making my
way I should have told him my intention I should have confided in him he
would never have forced me to be his mistress Violent as he had seemed in his
despair he in truth loved me far too well and too tenderly to constitute
himself my tyrant he would have given me half his fortune without demanding so
much as a kiss in return rather than I should have flung myself friendless on
the wide world I had endured he was certain more than I had confessed to him
»Well whatever my sufferings had been they were very short« I answered
and then I proceeded to tell him how I had been received at MoorHouse how I
had obtained the office of schoolmistress etc The accession of fortune the
discovery of my relations followed in due order Of course St John Rivers
name came in frequently in the progress of my tale When I had done that name
was immediately taken up
»This St John then is your cousin«
»Yes«
»You have spoken of him often did you like him«
»He was a very good man sir I could not help liking him«
»A good man Does that mean a respectable wellconducted man of fifty Or
what does it mean«
»St John was only twentynine sir«
»Jeune encore as the French say Is he a person of low stature phlegmatic
and plain A person whose goodness consists rather in his guiltlessness of vice
than in his prowess in virtue«
»He is untiringly active Great and exalted deeds are what he lives to
perform«
»But his brain That is probably rather soft He means well but you shrug
your shoulders to hear him talk«
»He talks little sir what he does say is ever to the point His brain is
firstrate I should think not impressible but vigorous«
»Is he an able man then«
»Truly able«
»A thoroughly educated man«
»St John is an accomplished and profound scholar«
»His manners I think you said are not to your taste priggish and
parsonic«
»I never mentioned his manners but unless I had a very bad taste they
must suit it they are polished calm and gentlemanlike«
»His appearance I forget what description you gave of his appearance a
sort of raw curate half strangled with his white neckcloth and stilted up on
his thicksoled highlows eh«
»St John dresses well He is a handsome man tall fair with blue eyes and
a Grecian profile«
Aside »Damn him« To me »Did you like him Jane«
»Yes Mr Rochester I liked him but you asked me that before«
I perceived of course the drift of my interlocutor Jealousy had got hold
of him she stung him but the sting was salutary it gave him respite from the
gnawing fang of melancholy I would not therefore immediately charm the snake
»Perhaps you would rather not sit any longer on my knee Miss Eyre« was the
next somewhat unexpected observation
»Why not Mr Rochester«
»The picture you have just drawn is suggestive of a rather too overwhelming
contrast Your words have delineated very prettily a graceful Apollo he is
present to your imagination tall fair blueeyed and with a Grecian
profile Your eyes dwell on a Vulcan a real blacksmith brown
broadshouldered and blind and lame into the bargain«
»I never thought of it before but you certainly are rather like Vulcan
sir«
»Well you can leave me maam but before you go« and he retained me by
a firmer grasp than ever »you will be pleased just to answer me a question or
two« He paused
»What questions Mr Rochester«
Then followed this crossexamination
»St John made you schoolmistress of Morton before he knew you were his
cousin«
»Yes«
»You would often see him He would visit the school sometimes«
»Daily«
»He would approve of your plans Jane I know they would be clever for you
are a talented creature«
»He approved of them yes«
»He would discover many things in you he could not have expected to find
Some of your accomplishments are not ordinary«
»I dont know about that«
»You had a little cottage near the school you say did he ever come there
to see you«
»Now and then«
»Of an evening«
»Once or twice«
A pause
»How long did you reside with him and his sisters after the cousinship was
discovered«
»Five months«
»Did Rivers spend much time with the ladies of his family«
»Yes the back parlour was both his study and ours he sat near the window
and we by the table«
»Did he study much«
»A good deal«
»What«
»Hindostanee«
»And what did you do meantime«
»I learnt German at first«
»Did he teach you«
»He did not understand German«
»Did he teach you nothing«
»A little Hindostanee«
»Rivers taught you Hindostanee«
»Yes sir«
»And his sisters also«
»No«
»Only you«
»Only me«
»Did you ask to learn«
»No«
»He wished to teach you«
»Yes«
A second pause
»Why did he wish it Of what use could Hindostanee be to you«
»He intended me to go with him to India«
»Ah here I reach the root of the matter He wanted you to marry him«
»He asked me to marry him«
»That is a fiction an impudent invention to vex me«
»I beg your pardon it is the literal truth he asked me more than once and
was as stiff about urging his point as ever you could be«
»Miss Eyre I repeat it you can leave me How often am I to say the same
thing Why do you remain pertinaciously perched on my knee when I have given
you notice to quit«
»Because I am comfortable there«
»No Jane you are not comfortable there because your heart is not with me
it is with this cousin this St John Oh till this moment I thought my little
Jane was all mine I had a belief she loved me even when she left me that was
an atom of sweet in much bitter Long as we have been parted hot tears as I
have wept over our separation I never thought that while I was mourning her
she was loving another But it is useless grieving Jane leave me go and marry
Rivers«
»Shake me off then sir push me away for Ill not leave you of my own
accord«
»Jane I ever like your tone of voice it still renews hope it sounds so
truthful When I hear it it carries me back a year I forget that you have
formed a new tie But I am not a fool go «
»Where must I go sir«
»Your own way with the husband you have chosen«
»Who is that«
»You know this St John Rivers«
»He is not my husband nor ever will be He does not love me I do not love
him He loves as he can love and that is not as you love a beautiful young
lady called Rosamond He wanted to marry me only because he thought I should
make a suitable missionarys wife which she would not have done He is good and
great but severe and for me cold as an iceberg He is not like you sir I
am not happy at his side nor near him nor with him He has no indulgence for
me no fondness He sees nothing attractive in me not even youth only a few
useful mental points Then I must leave you sir to go to him«
I shuddered involuntarily and clung instinctively closer to my blind but
beloved master He smiled
»What Jane Is this true Is such really the state of matters between you
and Rivers«
»Absolutely sir Oh you need not be jealous I wanted to teaze you a
little to make you less sad I thought anger would be better than grief But if
you wish me to love you could you but see how much I do love you you would be
proud and content All my heart is yours sir it belongs to you and with you
it would remain were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence for ever«
Again as he kissed me painful thoughts darkened his aspect
»My seared vision My crippled strength« he murmured regretfully
I caressed in order to soothe him I knew of what he was thinking and
wanted to speak for him but dared not As he turned aside his face a minute I
saw a tear slide from under the sealed eyelid and trickle down the manly cheek
My heart swelled
»I am no better than the old lightningstruck chestnuttree in Thornfield
orchard« he remarked ere long »And what right would that ruin have to bid a
budding woodbine cover its decay with freshness«
»You are no ruin sir no lightningstruck tree you are green and
vigorous Plants will grow about your roots whether you ask them or not
because they take delight in your bountiful shadow and as they grow they will
lean towards you and wind round you because your strength offers them so safe
a prop«
Again he smiled I gave him comfort
»You speak of friends Jane« he asked
»Yes of friends« I answered rather hesitatingly for I knew I meant more
than friends but could not tell what other word to employ He helped me
»Ah Jane But I want a wife«
»Do you sir«
»Yes is it news to you«
»Of course you said nothing about it before«
»Is it unwelcome news«
»That depends on circumstances sir on your choice«
»Which you shall make for me Jane I will abide by your decision«
»Choose then sir her who loves you best«
»I will at least choose her I love best Jane will you marry me«
»Yes sir«
»A poor blind man whom you will have to lead about by the hand«
»Yes sir«
»A crippled man twenty years older than you whom you will have to wait
on«
»Yes sir«
»Truly Jane«
»Most truly sir«
»Oh my darling God bless you and reward you«
»Mr Rochester if ever I did a good deed in my life if ever I thought a
good thought if ever I prayed a sincere and blameless prayer if ever I
wished a righteous wish I am rewarded now To be your wife is for me to be
as happy as I can be on earth«
»Because you delight in sacrifice«
»Sacrifice What do I sacrifice Famine for food expectation for content
To be privileged to put my arms round what I value to press my lips to what I
love to repose on what I trust is that to make a sacrifice If so then
certainly I delight in sacrifice«
»And to bear with my infirmities Jane to overlook my deficiencies«
»Which are none sir to me I love you better now when I can really be
useful to you than I did in your state of proud independence when you
disdained every part but that of the giver and protector«
»Hitherto I have hated to be helped to be led henceforth I feel I shall
hate it no more I did not like to put my hand into a hirelings but it is
pleasant to feel it circled by Janes little fingers I preferred utter
loneliness to the constant attendance of servants but Janes soft ministry will
be a perpetual joy Jane suits me do I suit her«
»To the finest fibre of my nature sir«
»The case being so we have nothing in the world to wait for we must be
married instantly«
He looked and spoke with eagerness his old impetuosity was rising
»We must become one flesh without any delay Jane there is but the licence
to get then we marry«
»Mr Rochester I have just discovered the sun is far declined from its
meridian and Pilot is actually gone home to his dinner Let me look at your
watch«
»Fasten it into your girdle Janet and keep it henceforward I have no use
for it«
»It is nearly four oclock in the afternoon sir Dont you feel hungry«
»The third day from this must be our weddingday Jane Never mind fine
clothes and jewels now all that is not worth a fillip«
»The sun has dried up all the raindrops sir The breeze is still it is
quite hot«
»Do you know Jane I have your little pearl necklace at this moment
fastened round my bronze scrag under my cravat I have worn it since the day I
lost my only treasure as a memento of her«
»We will go home through the wood that will be the shadiest way«
He pursued his own thoughts without heeding me
»Jane you think me I daresay an irreligious dog but my heart swells with
gratitude to the beneficent God of this earth just now He sees not as man sees
but far clearer judges not as man judges but far more wisely I did wrong I
would have sullied my innocent flower breathed guilt on its purity the
Omnipotent snatched it from me I in my stiffnecked rebellion almost cursed
the dispensation instead of bending to the decree I defied it Divine justice
pursued its course disasters came thick on me I was forced to pass through the
valley of the shadow of death His chastisements are mighty and one smote me
which has humbled me for ever You know I was proud of my strength but what is
it now when I must give it over to foreign guidance as a child does it
weakness Of late Jane only only of late I began to see and acknowledge
the hand of God in my doom I began to experience remorse repentance the wish
for reconcilement to my Maker I began sometimes to pray very brief prayers
they were but very sincere
Some days since nay I can number them four it was last Monday night a
singular mood came over me one in which grief replaced frenzy sorrow
sullenness I had long had the impression that since I could nowhere find you
you must be dead Late that night perhaps it might be between eleven and
twelve oclock ere I retired to my dreary rest I supplicated God that if it
seemed good to Him I might soon be taken from this life and admitted to that
world to come where there was still hope of rejoining Jane
I was in my own room and sitting by the window which was open it soothed
me to feel the balmy nightair though I could see no stars and only by a vague
luminous haze knew the presence of a moon I longed for thee Janet Oh I
longed for thee both with soul and flesh I asked of God at once in anguish and
humility if I had not been long enough desolate afflicted tormented and
might not soon taste bliss and peace once more That I merited all I endured I
acknowledged that I could scarcely endure more I pleaded and the alpha and
omega of my hearts wishes broke involuntarily from my lips in the words
Jane Jane Jane«
»Did you speak these words aloud«
»I did Jane If any listener had heard me he would have thought me mad I
pronounced them with such frantic energy«
»And it was last Monday night somewhere near midnight«
»Yes but the time is of no consequence what followed is the strange point
You will think me superstitious some superstition I have in my blood and
always had nevertheless this is true true at least it is that I heard what I
now relate
As I exclaimed Jane Jane Jane a voice I cannot tell whence the voice
came but I know whose voice it was replied I am coming wait for me and a
moment after went whispering on the wind the words Where are you
Ill tell you if I can the idea the picture these words opened to my
mind yet it is difficult to express what I want to express Ferndean is buried
as you see in a heavy wood where sound falls dull and dies unreverberating
Where are you seemed spoken amongst mountains for I heard a hillsent echo
repeat the words Cooler and fresher at the moment the gale seemed to visit my
brow I could have deemed that in some wild lone scene I and Jane were
meeting In spirit I believe we must have met You no doubt were at that
hour in unconscious sleep Jane perhaps your soul wandered from its cell to
comfort mine for those were your accents as certain as I live they were
yours«
Reader it was on Monday night near midnight that I too had received the
mysterious summons those were the very words by which I replied to it I
listened to Mr Rochesters narrative but made no disclosure in return The
coincidence struck me as too awful and inexplicable to be communicated or
discussed If I told anything my tale would be such as must necessarily make a
profound impression on the mind of my hearer and that mind yet from its
sufferings too prone to gloom needed not the deeper shade of the supernatural
I kept these things then and pondered them in my heart
»You cannot now wonder« continued my master »that when you rose upon me so
unexpectedly last night I had difficulty in believing you any other than a mere
voice and vision something that would melt to silence and annihilation as the
midnight whisper and mountain echo had melted before Now I thank God I know
it to be otherwise Yes I thank God«
He put me off his knee rose and reverently lifting his hat from his brow
and bending his sightless eyes to the earth he stood in mute devotion Only the
last words of the worship were audible
»I thank my Maker that in the midst of judgment he has remembered mercy I
humbly entreat my Redeemer to give me strength to lead henceforth a purer life
than I have done hitherto«
Then he stretched his hand out to be led I took that dear hand held it a
moment to my lips then let it pass round my shoulder being so much lower of
stature than he I served both for his prop and guide We entered the wood and
wended homeward
Chapter XXXVIII
Conclusion
Reader I married him A quiet wedding we had he and I the parson and clerk
were alone present When we got back from church I went into the kitchen of the
manorhouse where Mary was cooking the dinner and John cleaning the knives
and I said
»Mary I have been married to Mr Rochester this morning« The housekeeper
and her husband were both of that decent phlegmatic order of people to whom one
may at any time safely communicate a remarkable piece of news without incurring
the danger of having ones ears pierced by some shrill ejaculation and
subsequently stunned by a torrent of wordy wonderment Mary did look up and she
did stare at me the ladle with which she was basting a pair of chickens
roasting at the fire did for some three minutes hang suspended in air and for
the same space of time Johns knives also had rest from the polishing process
but Mary bending again over the roast said only
»Have you Miss Well for sure«
A short time after she pursued »I seed you go out with the master but I
didnt know you were gone to church to be wed« and she basted away John when
I turned to him was grinning from ear to ear
»I telled Mary how it would be« he said »I knew what Mr Edward« John was
an old servant and had known his master when he was the cadet of the house
therefore he often gave him his christian name »I knew what Mr Edward would
do and I was certain he would not wait long neither and hes done right for
aught I know I wish you joy Miss« and he politely pulled his forelock
»Thank you John Mr Rochester told me to give you and Mary this« I put
into his hand a fivepound note Without waiting to hear more I left the
kitchen In passing the door of that sanctum some time after I caught the
words
»Shell happen do better for him nor ony o t grand ladies« And again »If
she bent one o th handsomest shes noan faâl and varry goodnatured and i
his een shes fair beautiful onybody may see that«
I wrote to MoorHouse and to Cambridge immediately to say what I had done
fully explaining also why I had thus acted Diana and Mary approved the step
unreservedly Diana announced that she would just give me time to get over the
honeymoon and then she would come and see me
»She had better not wait till then Jane« said Mr Rochester when I read
her letter to him »if she does she will be too late for our honeymoon will
shine our lifelong its beams will only fade over your grave or mine«
How St John received the news I dont know he never answered the letter in
which I communicated it yet six months after he wrote to me without however
mentioning Mr Rochesters name or alluding to my marriage His letter was then
calm and though very serious kind He has maintained a regular though not
frequent correspondence ever since he hopes I am happy and trusts I am not of
those who live without God in the world and only mind earthly things
You have not quite forgotten little Adèle have you reader I had not I
soon asked and obtained leave of Mr Rochester to go and see her at the school
where he had placed her Her frantic joy at beholding me again moved me much
She looked pale and thin she said she was not happy I found the rules of the
establishment were too strict its course of study too severe for a child of
her age I took her home with me I meant to become her governess once more but
I soon found this impracticable my time and cares were now required by another
my husband needed them all So I sought out a school conducted on a more
indulgent system and near enough to permit of my visiting her often and
bringing her home sometimes I took care she should never want for anything that
could contribute to her comfort she soon settled in her new abode became very
happy there and made fair progress in her studies As she grew up a sound
English education corrected in a great measure her French defects and when she
left school I found in her a pleasing and obliging companion docile
goodtempered and wellprincipled By her grateful attention to me and mine
she has long since well repaid any little kindness I ever had it in my power to
offer her
My tale draws to its close one word respecting my experience of married
life and one brief glance at the fortunes of those whose names have most
frequently recurred in this narrative and I have done
I have now been married ten years I know what it is to live entirely for
and with what I love best on earth I hold myself supremely blest blest beyond
what language can express because I am my husbands life as fully as he is
mine No woman was ever nearer to her mate than I am ever more absolutely bone
of his bone and flesh of his flesh I know no weariness of my Edwards society
he knows none of mine any more than we each do of the pulsation of the heart
that beats in our separate bosoms consequently we are ever together To be
together is for us to be at once as free as in solitude as gay as in company
We talk I believe all day long to talk to each other is but a more animated
and an audible thinking All my confidence is bestowed on him all his
confidence is devoted to me we are precisely suited in character perfect
concord is the result
Mr Rochester continued blind the first two years of our union perhaps it
was that circumstance that drew us so very near that knit us so very close
for I was then his vision as I am still his right hand Literally I was what
he often called me the apple of his eye He saw nature he saw books through
me and never did I weary of gazing for his behalf and of putting into words
the effect of field tree town river cloud sunbeam of the landscape before
us of the weather round us and impressing by sound on his ear what light
could no longer stamp on his eye Never did I weary of reading to him never did
I weary of conducting him where he wished to go of doing for him what he wished
to be done And there was a pleasure in my services most full most exquisite
even though sad because he claimed these services without painful shame or
damping humiliation He loved me so truly that he knew no reluctance in
profiting by my attendance he felt I loved him so fondly that to yield that
attendance was to indulge my sweetest wishes
One morning at the end of the two years as I was writing a letter to his
dictation he came and bent over me and said
»Jane have you a glittering ornament round your neck«
I had a gold watchchain I answered »Yes«
»And have you a pale blue dress on«
I had He informed me then that for some time he had fancied the obscurity
clouding one eye was becoming less dense and that now he was sure of it
He and I went up to London He had the advice of an eminent oculist and he
eventually recovered the sight of that one eye He cannot now see very
distinctly he cannot read or write much but he can find his way without being
led by the hand the sky is no longer a blank to him the earth no longer a
void When his firstborn was put into his arms he could see that the boy had
inherited his own eyes as they once were large brilliant and black On that
occasion he again with a full heart acknowledged that God had tempered
judgment with mercy
My Edward and I then are happy and the more so because those we most
love are happy likewise Diana and Mary Rivers are both married alternately
once every year they come to see us and we go to see them Dianas husband is
a captain in the navy a gallant officer and a good man Marys is a clergyman
a college friend of her brothers and from his attainments and principles
worthy of the connexion Both Captain Fitzjames and Mr Wharton love their
wives and are loved by them
As to St John Rivers he left England he went to India He entered on the
path he had marked for himself he pursues it still A more resolute
indefatigable pioneer never wrought amidst rocks and dangers Firm faithful
and devoted full of energy and zeal and truth he labours for his race he
clears their painful way to improvement he hews down like a giant the
prejudices of creed and caste that encumber it He may be stern he may be
exacting he may be ambitious yet but his is the sternness of the warrior
Greatheart who guards his pilgrimconvoy from the onslaught of Apollyon His is
the exaction of the apostle who speaks but for Christ when he says
»Whosoever will come after me let him deny himself and take up his cross and
follow me« His is the ambition of the high masterspirit which aims to fill a
place in the first rank of those who are redeemed from the earth who stand
without fault before the throne of God who share the last mighty victories of
the Lamb who are called and chosen and faithful
St John is unmarried he never will marry now Himself has hitherto sufficed
to the toil and the toil draws near its close his glorious sun hastens to its
setting The last letter I received from him drew from my eyes human tears and
yet filled my heart with Divine joy he anticipated his sure reward his
incorruptible crown I know that a strangers hand will write to me next to say
that the good and faithful servant has been called at length into the joy of his
Lord And why weep for this No fear of death will darken St Johns last hour
his mind will be unclouded his heart will be undaunted his hope will be sure
his faith steadfast His own words are a pledge of this
»My Master« he says »has forewarned me Daily he announces more
distinctly Surely I come quickly and hourly I more eagerly respond Amen
even so come Lord Jesus«
Finis