MARY
A
FICTION
Lexercice des plus sublimes vertus éleve et nourrit le génie—Rousseau
ADVERTISEMENT
In delineating the Heroine of this Fiction the Author attempts to develop a character different from those generally portrayed This woman is neither a Clarissa a Lady G—— nor a A Sophie—It would be vain to mention the various modifications of these models as it would to remark how widely artists wander from nature when they copy the originals of great masters They catch the gross parts but the subtile spirit evaporates and not having the just ties affectation disgusts when grace was expected to charm
Those compositions only have power to delight and carry us willing captives where the soul of the author is exhibited and animates the hidden springs Lost in a pleasing enthusiasm they live in the scenes they represent and do not measure their steps in a beaten track solicitous to gather expected flowers and bind them in a wreath according to the prescribed rules of art
These chosen few wish to speak for themselves and not to be an echo—even of the sweetest sounds—or the reflector of the most sublime beams TheB paradise they ramble in must be of their own creating—or the prospect soon grows insipid and not varied by a vivifying principle fades and dies
In an artless tale without episodes the mind of a woman who has thinking powers is displayed The female organs have been thought too weak for this arduous employment and experience seems to justify the assertion Without arguing physically about possibilities—in a fiction such a being may be allowed to exist whose grandeur is derived from the operations of its own faculties not subjugated to opinion but drawn by the individual from the original source
FOOTNOTES
A Rousseau
B I here give the Reviewers an opportunity of being very witty about the Paradise of Fools c
MARY
CHAP I
Mary the heroine of this fiction was the daughter of Edward who married Eliza a gentle fashionable girl with a kind of indolence in her temper which might be termed negative goodnature her virtues indeed were all of that stamp She carefully attended to the shews of things and her opinions I should have said prejudices were such as the generality approved of She was educated with the expectation of a large fortune of course became a mere machine the homage of her attendants made a great part of her puerile amusements and she never imagined there were any relative duties for her to fulfil notions of her own consequence by these means were interwoven in her mind and the years of youth spent in acquiring a few superficial accomplishments without having any taste for them When she was first introduced into the polite circle she danced with an officer whom she faintly wished to be united to but her father soon after recommending another in a more distinguished rank of life she readily submitted to his will and promised to love honour and obey a vicious fool as in duty bound
While they resided in London they lived in the usual fashionable style and seldom saw each other nor were they much more sociable when they wooed rural felicity for more than half the year in a delightful country where Nature with lavish hand had scattered beauties around for the master with brute unconscious gaze passed them by unobserved and sought amusement in country sports He hunted in the morning and after eating an immoderate dinner generally fell asleep this seasonable rest enabled him to digest the cumbrous load he would then visit some of his pretty tenants and when he compared their ruddy glow of health with his wifes countenance which even rouge could not enliven it is not necessary to say which a gourmand would give the preference to Their vulgar dance of spirits were infinitely more agreeable to his fancy than her sickly dieaway languor Her voice was but the shadow of a sound and she had to complete her delicacy so relaxed her nerves that she became a mere nothing
Many such noughts are there in the female world yet she had a good opinion of her own merit—truly she said long prayers—and sometimes read her Weeks Preparation she dreaded that horrid place vulgarly called hell the regions below but whether hers was a mounting spirit I cannot pretend to determine or what sort of a planet would have been proper for her when she left her material part in this world let metaphysicians settle I have nothing to say to her unclothed spirit
As she was sometimes obliged to be alone or only with her French waitingmaid she sent to the metropolis for all the new publications and while she was dressing her hair and she could turn her eyes from the glass she ran over those most delightful substitutes for bodily dissipation novels I say bodily or the animal soul for a rational one can find no employment in polite circles The glare of lights the studied inelegancies of dress and the compliments offered up at the shrine of false beauty are all equally addressed to the senses
When she could not any longer indulge the caprices of fancy one way she tried another The Platonic Marriage Eliza Warwick and some other interesting tales were perused with eagerness Nothing could be more natural than the developement of the passions nor more striking than the views of the human heart What delicate struggles and uncommonly pretty turns of thought The picture that was found on a bramblebush the new sensitiveplant or tree which caught the swain by the uppergarment and presented to his ravished eyes a portrait—Fatal image—It planted a thorn in a till then insensible heart and sent a new kind of a knighterrant into the world But even this was nothing to the catastrophe and the circumstance on which it hung the hornet settling on the sleeping lovers face What a heartrending accident She planted in imitation of those susceptible souls a rose bush but there was not a lover to weep in concert with her when she watered it with her tears—Alas Alas
If my readers would excuse the sportiveness of fancy and give me credit for genius I would go on and tell them such tales as would force the sweet tears of sensibility to flow in copious showers down beautiful cheeks to the discomposure of rouge c c Nay I would make it so interesting that the fair peruser should beg the hairdresser to settle the curls himself and not interrupt her
She had besides another resource two most beautiful dogs who shared her bed and reclined on cushions near her all the day These she watched with the most assiduous care and bestowed on them the warmest caresses This fondness for animals was not that kind of attendrissement which makes a person take pleasure in providing for the subsistence and comfort of a living creature but it proceeded from vanity it gave her an opportunity of lisping out the prettiest French expressions of ecstatic fondness in accents that had never been attuned by tenderness
She was chaste according to the vulgar acceptation of the word that is she did not make any actual faux pas she feared the world and was indolent but then to make amends for this seeming selfdenial she read all the sentimental novels dwelt on the lovescenes and had she thought while she read her mind would have been contaminated as she accompanied the lovers to the lonely arbors and would walk with them by the clear light of the moon She wondered her husband did not stay at home She was jealous—why did he not love her sit by her side squeeze her hand and look unutterable things Gentle reader I will tell thee they neither of them felt what they could not utter I will not pretend to say that they always annexed an idea to a word but they had none of those feelings which are not easily analyzed
CHAP II
In due time she brought forth a son a feeble babe and the following year a daughter After the mothers throes she felt very few sentiments of maternal tenderness the children were given to nurses and she played with her dogs Want of exercise prevented the least chance of her recovering strength and two or three milkfevers brought on a consumption to which her constitution tended Her children all died in their infancy except the two first and she began to grow fond of the son as he was remarkably handsome For years she divided her time between the sofa and the cardtable She thought not of death though on the borders of the grave nor did any of the duties of her station occur to her as necessary Her children were left in the nursery and when Mary the little blushing girl appeared she would send the awkward thing away To own the truth she was awkward enough in a house without any playmates for her brother had been sent to school and she scarcely knew how to employ herself she would ramble about the garden admire the flowers and play with the dogs An old housekeeper told her stories read to her and at last taught her to read Her mother talked of enquiring for a governess when her health would permit and in the interim desired her own maid to teach her French As she had learned to read she perused with avidity every book that came in her way Neglected in every respect and left to the operations of her own mind she considered every thing that came under her inspection and learned to think She had heard of a separate state and that angels sometimes visited this earth She would sit in a thick wood in the park and talk to them make little songs addressed to them and sing them to tunes of her own composing and her native wood notes wild were sweet and touching
Her father always exclaimed against female acquirements and was glad that his wifes indolence and ill health made her not trouble herself about them She had besides another reason she did not wish to have a fine tall girl brought forward into notice as her daughter she still expected to recover and figure away in the gay world Her husband was very tyrannical and passionate indeed so very easily irritated when inebriated that Mary was continually in dread lest he should frighten her mother to death her sickness called forth all Marys tenderness and exercised her compassion so continually that it became more than a match for selflove and was the governing propensity of her heart through life She was violent in her temper but she saw her fathers faults and would weep when obliged to compare his temper with her own—She did more artless prayers rose to Heaven for pardon when she was conscious of having erred and her contrition was so exceedingly painful that she watched diligently the first movements of anger and impatience to save herself this cruel remorse
Sublime ideas filled her young mind—always connected with devotional sentiments extemporary effusions of gratitude and rhapsodies of praise would burst often from her when she listened to the birds or pursued the deer She would gaze on the moon and ramble through the gloomy path observing the various shapes the clouds assumed and listen to the sea that was not far distant The wandering spirits which she imagined inhabited every part of nature were her constant friends and confidants She began to consider the Great First Cause formed just notions of his attributes and in particular dwelt on his wisdom and goodness Could she have loved her father or mother had they returned her affection she would not so soon perhaps have sought out a new world
Her sensibility prompted her to search for an object to love on earth it was not to be found her mother had often disappointed her and the apparent partiality she shewed to her brother gave her exquisite pain—produced a kind of habitual melancholy led her into a fondness for reading tales of woe and made her almost realize the fictitious distress
She had not any notion of death till a little chicken expired at her feet and her father had a dog hung in a passion She then concluded animals had souls or they would not have been subjected to the caprice of man but what was the soul of man or beast In this style year after year rolled on her mother still vegetating
A little girl who attended in the nursery fell sick Mary paid her great attention contrary to her wish she was sent out of the house to her mother a poor woman whom necessity obliged to leave her sick child while she earned her daily bread The poor wretch in a fit of delirium stabbed herself and Mary saw her dead body and heard the dismal account and so strongly did it impress her imagination that every night of her life the bleeding corpse presented itself to her when the first began to slumber Tortured by it she at last made a vow that if she was ever mistress of a family she would herself watch over every part of it The impression that this accident made was indelible
As her mother grew imperceptibly worse and worse her father who did not understand such a lingering complaint imagined his wife was only grown still more whimsical and that if she could be prevailed on to exert herself her health would soon be reestablished In general he treated her with indifference but when her illness at all interfered with his pleasures he expostulated in the most cruel manner and visibly harassed the invalid Mary would then assiduously try to turn his attention to something else and when sent out of the room would watch at the door until the storm was over for unless it was she could not rest Other causes also contributed to disturb her repose her mothers lukewarm manner of performing her religious duties filled her with anguish and when she observed her fathers vices the unbidden tears would flow She was miserable when beggars were driven from the gate without being relieved if she could do it unperceived she would give them her own breakfast and feel gratified when in consequence of it she was pinched by hunger
She had once or twice told her little secrets to her mother they were laughed at and she determined never to do it again In this manner was she left to reflect on her own feelings and so strengthened were they by being meditated on that her character early became singular and permanent Her understanding was strong and clear when not clouded by her feelings but she was too much the creature of impulse and the slave of compassion
CHAP III
Near her fathers house lived a poor widow who had been brought up in affluence but reduced to great distress by the extravagance of her husband he had destroyed his constitution while he spent his fortune and dying left his wife and five small children to live on a very scanty pittance The eldest daughter was for some years educated by a distant relation a Clergyman While she was with him a young gentleman son to a man of property in the neighbourhood took particular notice of her It is true he never talked of love but then they played and sung in concert drew landscapes together and while she worked he read to her cultivated her taste and stole imperceptibly her heart Just at this juncture when smiling unanalyzed hope made every prospect bright and gay expectation danced in her eyes her benefactor died She returned to her mother—the companion of her youth forgot her they took no more sweet counsel together This disappointment spread a sadness over her countenance and made it interesting She grew fond of solitude and her character appeared similar to Marys though her natural disposition was very different
She was several years older than Mary yet her refinement her taste caught her eye and she eagerly sought her friendship before her return she had assisted the family which was almost reduced to the last ebb and now she had another motive to actuate her
As she had often occasion to send messages to Ann her new friend mistakes were frequently made Ann proposed that in future they should be written ones to obviate this difficulty and render their intercourse more agreeable Young people are mostly fond of scribbling Mary had had very little instruction but by copying her friends letters whose hand she admired she soon became a proficient a little practice made her write with tolerable correctness and her genius gave force to it In conversation and in writing when she felt she was pathetic tender and persuasive and she expressed contempt with such energy that few could stand the flash of her eyes
As she grew more intimate with Ann her manners were softened and she acquired a degree of equality in her behaviour yet still her spirits were fluctuating and her movements rapid She felt less pain on account of her mothers partiality to her brother as she hoped now to experience the pleasure of being beloved but this hope led her into new sorrows and as usual paved the way for disappointment Ann only felt gratitude her heart was entirely engrossed by one object and friendship could not serve as a substitute memory officiously retraced past scenes and unavailing wishes made time loiter
Mary was often hurt by the involuntary indifference which these consequences produced When her friend was all the world to her she found she was not as necessary to her happiness and her delicate mind could not bear to obtrude her affection or receive love as an alms the offspring of pity Very frequently has she ran to her with delight and not perceiving any thing of the same kind in Anns countenance she has shrunk back and falling from one extreme into the other instead of a warm greeting that was just slipping from her tongue her expressions seemed to be dictated by the most chilling insensibility
She would then imagine that she looked sickly or unhappy and then all her tenderness would return like a torrent and bear away all reflection In this manner was her sensibility called forth and exercised by her mothers illness her friends misfortunes and her own unsettled mind
CHAP IV
Near to her fathers house was a range of mountains some of them were literally speaking cloudcapt for on them clouds continually rested and gave grandeur to the prospect and down many of their sides the little bubbling cascades ran till they swelled a beautiful river Through the straggling trees and bushes the wind whistled and on them the birds sung particularly the robins they also found shelter in the ivy of an old castle a haunted one as the story went it was situated on the brow of one of the mountains and commanded a view of the sea This castle had been inhabited by some of her ancestors and many tales had the old housekeeper told her of the worthies who had resided there
When her mother frowned and her friend looked cool she would steal to this retirement where human foot seldom trod—gaze on the sea observe the grey clouds or listen to the wind which struggled to free itself from the only thing that impeded its course When more cheerful she admired the various dispositions of light and shade the beautiful tints the gleams of sunshine gave to the distant hills then she rejoiced in existence and darted into futurity
One way home was through the cavity of a rock covered with a thin layer of earth just sufficient to afford nourishment to a few stunted shrubs and wild plants which grew on its sides and nodded over the summit A clear stream broke out of it and ran amongst the pieces of rocks fallen into it Here twilight always reigned—it seemed the Temple of Solitude yet paradoxical as the assertion may appear when the foot sounded on the rock it terrified the intruder and inspired a strange feeling as if the rightful sovereign was dislodged In this retreat she read Thomsons Seasons Youngs NightThoughts and Paradise Lost
At a little distance from it were the huts of a few poor fishermen who supported their numerous children by their precarious labour In these little huts she frequently rested and denied herself every childish gratification in order to relieve the necessities of the inhabitants Her heart yearned for them and would dance with joy when she had relieved their wants or afforded them pleasure
In these pursuits she learned the luxury of doing good and the sweet tears of benevolence frequently moistened her eyes and gave them a sparkle which exclusive of that they had not on the contrary they were rather fixed and would never have been observed if her soul had not animated them They were not at all like those brilliant ones which look like polished diamonds and dart from every superfice giving more light to the beholders than they receive themselves
Her benevolence indeed knew no bounds the distress of others carried her out of herself and she rested not till she had relieved or comforted them The warmth of her compassion often made her so diligent that many things occurred to her which might have escaped a less interested observer
In like manner she entered with such spirit into whatever she read and the emotions thereby raised were so strong that it soon became a part of her mind
Enthusiastic sentiments of devotion at this period actuated her her Creator was almost apparent to her senses in his works but they were mostly the grand or solemn features of Nature which she delighted to contemplate She would stand and behold the waves rolling and think of the voice that could still the tumultuous deep
These propensities gave the colour to her mind before the passions began to exercise their tyrannic sway and particularly pointed out those which the soil would have a tendency to nurse
Years after when wandering through the same scenes her imagination has strayed back to trace the first placid sentiments they inspired and she would earnestly desire to regain the same peaceful tranquillity
Many nights she sat up if I may be allowed the expression conversing with the Author of Nature making verses and singing hymns of her own composing She considered also and tried to discern what end her various faculties were destined to pursue and had a glimpse of a truth which afterwards more fully unfolded itself
She thought that only an infinite being could fill the human soul and that when other objects were followed as a means of happiness the delusion led to misery the consequence of disappointment Under the influence of ardent affections how often has she forgot this conviction and as often returned to it again when it struck her with redoubled force Often did she taste unmixed delight her joys her ecstacies arose from genius
She was now fifteen and she wished to receive the holy sacrament and perusing the scriptures and discussing some points of doctrine which puzzled her she would sit up half the night her favourite time for employing her mind she too plainly perceived that she saw through a glass darkly and that the bounds set to stop our intellectual researches is one of the trials of a probationary state
But her affections were roused by the display of divine mercy and she eagerly desired to commemorate the dying love of her great benefactor The night before the important day when she was to take on herself her baptismal vow she could not go to bed the sun broke in on her meditations and found her not exhausted by her watching
The orient pearls were strewed around—she hailed the morn and sung with wild delight Glory to God on high good will towards men She was indeed so much affected when she joined in the prayer for her eternal preservation that she could hardly conceal her violent emotions and the recollection never failed to wake her dormant piety when earthly passions made it grow languid
These various movements of her mind were not commented on nor were the luxuriant shoots restrained by culture The servants and the poor adored her
In order to be enabled to gratify herself in the highest degree she practiced the most rigid œconomy and had such power over her appetites and whims that without any great effort she conquered them so entirely that when her understanding or affections had an object she almost forgot she had a body which required nourishment
This habit of thinking this kind of absorption gave strength to the passions
We will now enter on the more active field of life
CHAP V
A few months after Mary was turned of seventeen her brother was attacked by a violent fever and died before his father could reach the school
She was now an heiress and her mother began to think her of consequence and did not call her the child Proper masters were sent for she was taught to dance and an extraordinary master procured to perfect her in that most necessary of all accomplishments
A part of the estate she was to inherit had been litigated and the heir of the person who still carried on a Chancery suit was only two years younger than our heroine The fathers spite of the dispute frequently met and in order to settle it amicably they one day over a bottle determined to quash it by a marriage and by uniting the two estates to preclude all farther enquiries into the merits of their different claims
While this important matter was settling Mary was otherwise employed Anns mothers resources were failing and the ghastly phantom poverty made hasty strides to catch them in his clutches Ann had not fortitude enough to brave such accumulated misery besides the cankerworm was lodged in her heart and preyed on her health She denied herself every little comfort things that would be no sacrifice when a person is well are absolutely necessary to alleviate bodily pain and support the animal functions
There were many elegant amusements that she had acquired a relish for which might have taken her mind off from its most destructive bent but these her indigence would not allow her to enjoy forced then by way of relaxation to play the tunes her lover admired and handle the pencil he taught her to hold no wonder his image floated on her imagination and that taste invigorated love
Poverty and all its inelegant attendants were in her mothers abode and she though a good sort of a woman was not calculated to banish by her trivial uninteresting chat the delirium in which her daughter was lost
This illfated love had given a bewitching softness to her manners a delicacy so truly feminine that a man of any feeling could not behold her without wishing to chase her sorrows away She was timid and irresolute and rather fond of dissipation grief only had power to make her reflect
In every thing it was not the great but the beautiful or the pretty that caught her attention And in composition the polish of style and harmony of numbers interested her much more than the flights of genius or abstracted speculations
She often wondered at the books Mary chose who though she had a lively imagination would frequently study authors whose works were addressed to the understanding This liking taught her to arrange her thoughts and argue with herself even when under the influence of the most violent passions
Anns misfortunes and ill health were strong ties to bind Mary to her she wished so continually to have a home to receive her in that it drove every other desire out of her mind and dwelling on the tender schemes which compassion and friendship dictated she longed most ardently to put them in practice
Fondly as she loved her friend she did not forget her mother whose decline was so imperceptible that they were not aware of her approaching dissolution The physician however observing the most alarming symptoms her husband was apprised of her immediate danger and then first mentioned to her his designs with respect to his daughter
She approved of them Mary was sent for she was not at home she had rambled to visit Ann and found her in an hysteric fit The landlord of her little farm had sent his agent for the rent which had long been due to him and he threatened to seize the stock that still remained and turn them out if they did not very shortly discharge the arrears
As this man made a private fortune by harassing the tenants of the person to whom he was deputy little was to be expected from his forbearance
All this was told to Mary—and the mother added she had many other creditors who would in all probability take the alarm and snatch from them all that had been saved out of the wreck I could bear all she cried but what will become of my children Of this child pointing to the fainting Ann whose constitution is already undermined by care and grief—where will she go—Marys heart ceased to beat while she asked the question—She attempted to speak but the inarticulate sounds died away Before she had recovered herself her father called himself to enquire for her and desired her instantly to accompany him home
Engrossed by the scene of misery she had been witness to she walked silently by his side when he roused her out of her reverie by telling her that in all likelihood her mother had not many hours to live and before she could return him any answer informed her that they had both determined to marry her to Charles his friends son he added the ceremony was to be performed directly that her mother might be witness of it for such a desire she had expressed with childish eagerness
Overwhelmed by this intelligence Mary rolled her eyes about then with a vacant stare fixed them on her fathers face but they were no longer a sense they conveyed no ideas to the brain As she drew near the house her wonted presence presence of mind returned after this suspension of thought a thousand darted into her mind—her dying mother—her friends miserable situation—and an extreme horror at taking—at being forced to take such a hasty step but she did not feel the disgust the reluctance which arises from a prior attachment
She loved Ann better than any one in the world—to snatch her from the very jaws of destruction—she would have encountered a lion To have this friend constantly with her to make her mind easy with respect to her family would it not be superlative bliss
Full of these thoughts she entered her mothers chamber but they then fled at the sight of a dying parent She went to her took her hand it feebly pressed hers My child said the languid mother the words reached her heart she had seldom heard them pronounced with accents denoting affection My child I have not always treated you with kindness—God forgive me do you—Marys tears strayed in a disregarded stream on her bosom the big drops fell but did not relieve the fluttering tenant I forgive you said she in a tone of astonishment
The clergyman came in to read the service for the sick and afterwards the marriage ceremony was performed Mary stood like a statue of Despair and pronounced the awful vow without thinking of it and then ran to support her mother who expired the same night in her arms
Her husband set off for the continent the same day with a tutor to finish his studies at one of the foreign universities
Ann was sent for to console her not on account of the departure of her new relation a boy she seldom took any notice of but to reconcile her to her fate besides it was necessary she should have a female companion and there was not any maiden aunt in the family or cousin of the same class
CHAP VI
Mary was allowed to pay the rent which gave her so much uneasiness and she exerted every nerve to prevail on her father effectually to succour the family but the utmost she could obtain was a small sum very inadequate to the purpose to enable the poor woman to carry into execution a little scheme of industry near the metropolis
Her intention of leaving that part of the country had much more weight with him than Marys arguments drawn from motives of philanthropy and friendship this was a language he did not understand expressive of occult qualities he never thought of as they could not be seen or felt
After the departure of her mother Ann still continued to languish though she had a nurse who was entirely engrossed by the desire of amusing her Had her health been reestablished the time would have passed in a tranquil improving manner
During the year of mourning they lived in retirement music drawing and reading filled up the time and Marys taste and judgment were both improved by contracting a habit of observation and permitting the simple beauties of Nature to occupy her thoughts
She had a wonderful quickness in discerning distinctions and combining ideas that at the first glance did not appear to be similar But these various pursuits did not banish all her cares or carry off all her constitutional black bile Before she enjoyed Anns society she imagined it would have made her completely happy she was disappointed and yet knew not what to complain of
As her friend could not accompany her in her walks and wished to be alone for a very obvious reason she would return to her old haunts retrace her anticipated pleasures—and wonder how they changed their colour in possession and proved so futile
She had not yet found the companion she looked for Ann and she were not congenial minds nor did she contribute to her comfort in the degree she expected She shielded her from poverty but this was only a negative blessing when under the pressure it was very grievous and still more so were the apprehensions but when when exempt from them she was not contented
Such is human nature its laws were not to be inverted to gratify our heroine and stop the progress of her understanding happiness only flourished in paradise—we cannot taste and live
Another year passed away with increasing apprehensions Ann had a hectic cough and many unfavourable prognostics Mary then forgot every thing but the fear of losing her and even imagined that her recovery would have made her happy
Her anxiety led her to study physic and for some time she only read books of that cast and this knowledge literally speaking ended in vanity and vexation of spirit as it enabled her to foresee what she could not prevent
As her mind expanded her marriage appeared appeared a dreadful misfortune she was sometimes reminded of the heavy yoke and bitter was the recollection
In one thing there seemed to be a sympathy between them for she wrote formal answers to his as formal letters An extreme dislike took root in her mind the found of his name made her turn sick but she forgot all listening to Anns cough and supporting her languid frame She would then catch her to her bosom with convulsive eagerness as if to save her from sinking into an opening grave
CHAP VII
It was the will of Providence that Mary should experience almost every species of sorrow Her father was thrown from his horse when his blood was in a very inflammatory state and the bruises were very dangerous his recovery was not expected by the physical tribe
Terrified at seeing him so near death and yet so ill prepared for it his daughter sat by his bed oppressed by the keenest anguish which her piety increased
Her grief had nothing selfish in it he was not a friend or protector but he was her father an unhappy wretch going into eternity depraved and thoughtless Could a life of sensuality be a preparation for a peaceful death Thus meditating she passed the still midnight hour by his bedside
The nurse fell asleep nor did a violent thunder storm interrupt her repose though it made the night appear still more terrific to Mary Her fathers unequal breathing alarmed her when she heard a long drawn breath she feared it was his last and watching for another a dreadful peal of thunder struck her ears Considering the separation of the soul and body this night seemed sadly solemn and the hours long
Death is indeed a king of terrors when he attacks the vicious man The compassionate heart finds not any comfort but dreads an eternal separation No transporting greetings are anticipated when the survivors also shall have finished their their course but all is black—the grave may truly be said to receive the departed—this is the sting of death
Night after night Mary watched and this excessive fatigue impaired her own health but had a worse effect on Ann though she constantly went to bed she could not rest a number of uneasy thoughts obtruded themselves and apprehensions about Mary whom she loved as well as her exhausted heart could love harassed her mind After a sleepless feverish night she had a violent fit of coughing and burst a bloodvessel The physician who was in the house was sent for and when he left the patient Mary with an authoritative voice insisted on knowing his real opinion Reluctantly he gave it that her friend was in a critical state and if she passed the approaching winter in England he imagined she would die in the spring a season fatal to consumptive disorders The spring—Her husband was then expected—Gracious Heaven could she bear all this
In a few days her father breathed his last The horrid sensations his death occasioned were too poignant to be durable and Anns danger and her own situation made Mary deliberate what mode of conduct she should pursue She feared this event might hasten the return of her husband and prevent her putting into execution a plan she had determined on It was to accompany Ann to a more salubrious climate
CHAP VIII
I mentioned before that Mary had never had any particular attachment to give rise to the disgust that daily gained ground Her friendship for Ann occupied her heart and resembled a passion She had had indeed several transient likings but they did not amount to love The society of men of genius delighted her and improved her faculties With beings of this class she did not often meet it is a rare genus her first favourites were men past the meridian of life and of a philosophic turn
Determined on going to the South of France or Lisbon she wrote to the man she had promised to obey The physicians had said change of air was necessary for her as well as her friend She mentioned this and added Her comfort almost her existence depended on the recovery of the invalid she wished to attend and that should she neglect to follow the medical advice she had received she should never forgive herself or those who endeavoured to prevent her Full of her design she wrote with more than usual freedom and this letter was like most of her others a transcript of her heart
This dear friend she exclaimed I love for her agreeable qualities and substantial virtues Continual attention to her health and the tender office of a nurse have created an affection very like a maternal one—I am her only support she leans on me—could I forsake the forsaken and break the bruised reed—No—I would die first I must—I will go
She would have added you would very much oblige me by consenting but her heart revolted—and irresolutely she wrote something about wishing him happy—Do I not wish all the world well she cried as she subscribed her name—It was blotted the letter sealed in a hurry and sent out of her sight and she began to prepare for her journey
By the return of the post she received an answer it contained some commonplace remarks on her romantic friendship as he termed it But as the physicians advised change of air he had no objection
CHAP IX
There was nothing now to retard their journey and Mary chose Lisbon rather than France on account of its being further removed from the only person she wished not to see
They set off accordingly for Falmouth in their way to that city The journey was of use to Ann and Marys spirits were raised by her recovered looks—She had been in despair—now she gave way to hope and was intoxicated with it On shipboard Ann always remained in the cabin the sight of the water terrified her on the contrary Mary after she was gone to bed or when she fell asleep in the day went on deck conversed with the sailors and surveyed the boundless expanse before her with delight One instant she would regard the ocean the next the beings who braved its fury Their insensibility and want of fear she could not name courage their thoughtless mirth was quite of an animal kind and their feelings as impetuous and uncertain as the element they plowed
They had only been a week at sea when they hailed the rock of Lisbon and the next morning anchored at the castle After the customary visits they were permitted to go on shore about three miles from the city and while one of the crew who understood the language went to procure them one of the ugly carriages peculiar to the country they waited in the Irish convent which is situated close to the Tagus
Some of the people offered to conduct them into the church where there was a fine organ playing Mary followed them but Ann preferred staying with a nun she had entered into conversation with
One of the nuns who had a sweet voice was singing Mary was struck with awe her heart joined in the devotion and tears of gratitude and tenderness flowed from her eyes My Father I thank thee burst from her—words were inadequate to express her feelings Silently she surveyed the lofty dome heard unaccustomed sounds and saw faces strange ones that she could not yet greet with fraternal love
In an unknown land she considered that the Being she adored inhabited eternity was ever present in unnumbered worlds When she had not any one she loved near her she was particularly sensible of the presence of her Almighty Friend
The arrival of the carriage put a stop to her speculations it was to conduct them to an hotel fitted up for the reception of invalids Unfortunately before they could reach it there was a violent shower of rain and as the wind was very high it beat against the leather curtains which they drew along the front of the vehicle to shelter themselves from it but it availed not some of the rain forced its way and Ann felt the effects of it for she caught cold spite of Marys precautions
As is the custom the rest of the invalids or lodgers sent to enquire after their health and as soon as Ann left her chamber in which her complaints seldom confined her the whole day they came in person to pay their compliments Three fashionable females and two gentlemen the one a brother of the eldest of the young ladies and the other an invalid who came like themselves for the benefit of the air They entered into conversation immediately
People who meet in a strange country and are all together in a house soon get acquainted without the formalities which attend visiting in separate houses where they are surrounded by domestic friends Ann was particularly delighted at meeting with agreeable society a little hectic fever generally made her lowspirited in the morning and lively in the evening when she wished for company Mary who only thought of her determined to cultivate their acquaintance as she knew that if her mind could be diverted her body might gain strength
They were all musical and proposed having little concerts One of the gentlemen played on the violin and the other on the germanflute The instruments were brought in with all the eagerness that attends putting a new scheme in execution
Mary had not said much for she was diffident she seldom joined in general conversations though her quickness of penetration enabled her soon to enter into the characters of those she conversed with and her sensibility made her desirous of pleasing every human creature Besides if her mind was not occupied by any particular sorrow or study she caught reflected pleasure and was glad to see others happy though their mirth did not interest her
This day she was continually thinking of Anns recovery and encouraging the cheerful hopes which though they dissipated the spirits that had been condensed by melancholy yet made her wish to be silent The music more than the conversation disturbed her reflections but not at first The gentleman who played on the germanflute was a handsome wellbred sensible man and his observations if not original were pertinent
The other who had not said much began to touch the violin and played a little Scotch ballad he brought such a thrilling sound out of the instrument that Mary started and looking at him with more attention than she had done before and saw in a face rather ugly strong lines of genius His manners were awkward that kind of awkwardness which is often found in literary men he seemed a thinker and delivered his opinions in elegant expressions and musical tones of voice
When the concert was over they all retired to their apartments Mary always slept with Ann as she was subject to terrifying dreams and frequently in the night was obliged to be supported to avoid suffocation They chatted about their new acquaintance in their own apartment and with respect to the gentlemen differed in opinion
CHAP X
Every day almost they saw their new acquaintance and civility produced intimacy Mary sometimes left her friend with them while she indulged herself in viewing new modes of life and searching out the causes which produced them She had a metaphysical turn which inclined her to reflect on every object that passed by her and her mind was not like a mirror which receives every floating image but does not retain them she had not any prejudices for every opinion was examined before it was adopted
The Roman Catholic ceremonies attracted her attention and gave rise to conversations when they all met and one of the gentlemen continually introduced deistical notions when he ridiculed the pageantry they all were surprised at observing Mary thought of both the subjects the Romish tenets and the deistical doubts and though not a sceptic thought it right to examine the evidence on which her faith was built She read Butlers Analogy and some other authors and these researches made her a christian from conviction and she learned charity particularly with respect to sectaries saw that apparently good and solid arguments might take their rise from different points of view and she rejoiced to find that those she should not concur with had some reason on their side
CHAP XI
When I mentioned the three ladies I said they were fashionable women and it was all the praise as a faithful historian I could bestow on them the only thing in which they were consistent I forgot to mention that they were all of one family a mother her daughter and niece The daughter was sent by her physician to avoid a northerly winter the mother her niece and nephew accompanied her
They were people of rank but unfortunately though of an ancient family the title had descended to a very remote branch—a branch they took care to be intimate with and servilely copied the Countesss airs Their minds were shackled with a set of notions concerning propriety the fitness of things for the worlds eye trammels which always hamper weak people What will the world say was the first thing that was thought of when they intended doing any thing they had not done before Or what would the Countess do on such an occasion And when this question was answered the right or wrong was discovered without the trouble of their having any idea of the matter in their own heads This same Countess was a fine planet and the satellites observed a most harmonic dance around her
After this account it is scarcely necessary to add that their minds had received very little cultivation They were taught French Italian and Spanish English was their vulgar tongue And what did they learn Hamlet will tell you—words—words But let me not forget that they squalled Italian songs in the true gusto Without having any seeds sown in their understanding or the affections of the heart set to work they were brought out of their nursery or the place they were secluded in to prevent their faces being common like blazing stars to captivate Lords
They were pretty and hurrying from one party of pleasure to another occasioned the disorder which required change of air The mother if we except her being near twenty years older was just the same creature and these additional years only served to make her more tenaciously adhere to her habits of folly and decide with stupid gravity some trivial points of ceremony as a matter of the last importance of which she was a competent judge from having lived in the fashionable world so long that world to which the ignorant look up as we do to the sun
It appears to me that every creature has some notion—or rather relish of the sublime Riches and the consequent state are the sublime of weak minds—These images fill nay are too big for their narrow souls
One afternoon which they had engaged to spend together Ann was so ill that Mary was obliged to send an apology for not attending the teatable The apology brought them on the carpet and the mother with a look of solemn importance turned to the sick man whose name was Henry and said
Though people of the first fashion are frequently at places of this kind intimate with they know not who yet I do not choose that my daughter whose family is so respectable should be intimate with any one she would blush to know elsewhere It is only on that account for I never suffer her to be with any one but in my company added she sitting more erect and a smile of selfcomplacency dressed her countenance
I have enquired concerning these strangers and find that the one who has the most dignity in her manners is really a woman of fortune Lord mamma how ill she dresses mamma went on She is a romantic creature you must not copy her miss yet she is an heiress of the large fortune in ——shire of which you may remember to have heard the Countess speak the night you had on the dancingdress that was so much admired but she is married
She then told them the whole story as she heard it from her maid who picked it out of Marys servant She is a foolish creature and this friend that she pays as much attention to as if she was a lady of quality is a beggar Well how strange cried the girls
She is however a charming creature said her nephew Henry sighed and strode across the room once or twice then took up his violin and played the air which first struck Mary he had often heard her praise it
The music was uncommonly melodious And came stealing on the senses like the sweet south The wellknown sounds reached Mary as she sat by her friend—she listened without knowing that she did—and shed tears almost without being conscious of it Ann soon fell asleep as she had taken an opiate Mary then brooding over her fears began to imagine she had deceived herself—Ann was still very ill hope had beguiled many heavy hours yet she was displeased with herself for admitting this welcome guest—And she worked up her mind to such a degree of anxiety that she determined once more to seek medical aid
No sooner did she determine than she ran down with a discomposed look to enquire of the ladies who she should send for When she entered the room she could not articulate her fears—it appeared like pronouncing Anns sentence of death her faultering tongue dropped some broken words and she remained silent The ladies wondered that a person of her sense should be so little mistress of herself and began to administer some commonplace comfort as that it was our duty to submit to the will of Heaven and the like trite consolations which Mary did not answer but waving her hand with an air of impatience she exclaimed I cannot live without her—I have no other friend if I lose her what a desart will the world be to me No other friend reechoed they have you not a husband
Mary shrunk back and was alternately pale and red A delicate sense of propriety prevented her replying and recalled her bewildered reason—Assuming in consequence of her recollection a more composed manner she made the intended enquiry and left the room Henrys eyes followed her while the females very freely animadverted on her strange behaviour
CHAP XII
The physician was sent for his prescription afforded Ann a little temporary relief and they again joined the circle Unfortunately the weather happened to be constantly wet for more than a week and confined them to the house Ann then found the ladies not so agreeable when they sat whole hours together the threadbare topics were exhausted and but for cards or music the long evenings would have been yawned away in listless indolence
The bad weather had had as ill an effect on Henry as on Ann He was frequently very thoughtful or rather melancholy this melancholy would of itself have attracted Marys notice if she had not found his conversation so infinitely superior to the rest of the group When she conversed with him all the faculties of her soul unfolded themselves genius animated her expressive countenance and the most graceful unaffected gestures gave energy to her discourse
They frequently discussed very important subjects while the rest were singing or playing cards nor were they observed for doing so as Henry whom they all were pleased with in the way of gallantry shewed them all more attention than her Besides as there was nothing alluring in her dress or manner they never dreamt of her being preferred to them
Henry was a man of learning he had also studied mankind and knew many of the intricacies of the human heart from having felt the infirmities of his own His taste was just as it had a standard—Nature which he observed with a critical eye Mary could not help thinking that in his company her mind expanded as he always went below the surface She increased her stock of ideas and her taste was improved
He was also a pious man his rational religious sentiments received warmth from his sensibility and except on very particular occasions kept it in proper bounds these sentiments had likewise formed his temper he was gentle and easily to be intreated The ridiculous ceremonies they were every day witness to led them into what are termed grave subjects and made him explain his opinions which at other times he was neither ashamed of nor unnecessarily brought forward to notice
CHAP XIII
When the weather began to clear up Mary sometimes rode out alone purposely to view the ruins that still remained of the earthquake or she would ride to the banks of the Tagus to feast her eyes with the sight of that magnificent river At other times she would visit the churches as she was particularly fond of seeing historical paintings
One of these visits gave rise to the subject and the whole party descanted on it but as the ladies could not handle it well they soon adverted to portraits and talked of the attitudes and characters in which they should wish to be drawn Mary did not fix on one—when Henry with more apparent warmth than usual said I would give the world for your picture with the expression I have seen in your face when you have been supporting your friend
This delicate compliment did not gratify her vanity but it reached her heart She then recollected that she had once sat for her picture—for whom was it designed For a boy Her cheeks flushed with indignation so strongly did she feel an emotion of contempt at having been thrown away—given in with an estate
As Mary again gave way to hope her mind was more disengaged and her thoughts were employed about the objects around her
She visited several convents and found that solitude only eradicates some passions to give strength to others the most baneful ones She saw that religion does not consist in ceremonies and that many prayers may fall from the lips without purifying the heart
They who imagine they can be religious without governing their tempers or exercising benevolence in its most extensive sense must certainly allow that their religious duties are only practiced from selfish principles how then can they be called good The pattern of all goodness went about doing good Wrapped up in themselves the nuns only thought of inferior gratifications And a number of intrigues were carried on to accelerate certain points on which their hearts were fixed
Such as obtaining offices of trust or authority or avoiding those that were servile or laborious In short when they could be neither wives nor mothers they aimed at being superiors and became the most selfish creatures in the world the passions that were curbed gave strength to the appetites or to those mean passions which only tend to provide for the gratification of them Was this seclusion from the world or did they conquer its vanities or avoid its vexations
In these abodes the unhappy individual who in the first paroxysm of grief flies to them for refuge finds too late she took a wrong step The same warmth which determined her will make her repent and sorrow the rust of the mind will never have a chance of being rubbed off by sensible conversation or newborn affections of the heart
She will find that those affections that have once been called forth and strengthened by exercise are only smothered not killed by disappointment and that in one form or other discontent will corrode the heart and produce those maladies of the imagination for which there is no specific
The community at large Mary disliked but pitied many of them whose private distresses she was informed of and to pity and relieve were the same things with her
The exercise of her various virtues gave vigor to her genius and dignity to her mind she was sometimes inconsiderate and violent but never mean or cunning
CHAP XIV
The Portuguese are certainly the most uncivilized nation in Europe Dr Johnson would have said They have the least mind And can such serve their Creator in spirit and in truth No the gross ritual of Romish ceremonies is all they can comprehend they can do penance but not conquer their revenge or lust Religion or love has never humanized their hearts they want the vital part the mere body worships Taste is unknown Gothic finery and unnatural decorations which they term ornaments are conspicuous in their churches and dress Reverence for mental excellence is only to be found in a polished nation
Could the contemplation of such a people gratify Marys heart No she turned disgusted from the prospects—turned to a man of refinement Henry had been some time ill and lowspirited Mary would have been attentive to any one in that situation but to him she was particularly so she thought herself bound in gratitude on account of his constant endeavours to amuse Ann and prevent her dwelling on the dreary prospect before her which sometimes she could not help anticipating with a kind of quiet despair
She found some excuse for going more frequently into the room they all met in nay she avowed her desire to amuse him offered to read to him and tried to draw him into amusing conversations and when she was full of these little schemes she looked at him with a degree of tenderness that she was not conscious of This divided attention was of use to her and prevented her continually thinking of Ann whose fluctuating disorder often gave rise to false hopes
A trifling thing occurred now which occasioned Mary some uneasiness Her maid a welllooking girl had captivated the clerk of a neighbouring comptinghouse As the match was an advantageous one Mary could not raise any objection to it though at this juncture it was very disagreeable to her to have a stranger about her person However the girl consented to delay the marriage as she had some affection for her mistress and besides looked forward to Anns death as a time of harvest
Henrys illness was not alarming it was rather pleasing as it gave Mary an excuse to herself for shewing him how much she was interested about him and giving little artless proofs of affection which the purity of her heart made her never wish to restrain
The only visible return he made was not obvious to common observers He would sometimes fix his eyes on her and take them off with a sigh that was coughed away or when he was leisurely walking into the room and did not expect to see her he would quicken his steps and come up to her with eagerness to ask some trivial question In the same style he would try to detain her when he had nothing to say—or said nothing
Ann did not take notice of either his or Marys behaviour nor did she suspect that he was a favourite on any other account than his appearing neither well nor happy She had often seen that when a person was unfortunate Marys pity might easily be mistaken for love and indeed it was a temporary sensation of that kind Such it was—why it was so let others define I cannot argue against instincts As reason is cultivated in man they are supposed to grow weaker and this may have given rise to the assertion That as judgment improves genius evaporates
CHAP XV
One morning they set out to visit the aqueduct though the day was very fine when they left home a very heavy shower fell before they reached it they lengthened their ride the clouds dispersed and the sun came from behind them uncommonly bright
Mary would fain have persuaded Ann not to have left the carriage but she was in spirits and obviated all her objections and insisted on walking tho the ground was damp But her strength was not equal to her spirits she was soon obliged to return to the carriage so much fatigued that she fainted and remained insensible a long time
Henry would have supported her but Mary would not permit him her recollection was instantaneous and she feared sitting on the damp ground might do him a material injury she was on that account positive though the company did not guess the cause of her being so As to herself she did not fear bodily pain and when her mind was agitated she could endure the greatest fatigue without appearing sensible of it
When Ann recovered they returned slowly home she was carried to bed and the next morning Mary thought she observed a visible change for the worse The physician was sent for who pronounced her to be in the most imminent danger
All Marys former fears now returned like a torrent and carried every other care away she even added to her present anguish by upbraiding herself for her late tranquillity—it haunted her in the form of a crime
The disorder made the most rapid advances—there was no hope—Bereft of it Mary again was tranquil but it was a very different kind of tranquillity She stood to brave the approaching storm conscious she only could be overwhelmed by it
She did not think of Henry or if her thoughts glanced towards him it was only to find fault with herself for suffering a thought to have strayed from Ann—Ann—this dear friend was soon torn from her—she died suddenly as Mary was assisting her to walk across the room—The first string was severed from her heart—and this slow suddendeath disturbed her reasoning faculties she seemed stunned by it unable to reflect or even to feel her misery
The body was stolen out of the house the second night and Mary refused to see her former companions She desired her maid to conclude her marriage and request her intended husband to inform her when the first merchantman was to leave the port as the packet had just sailed and she determined not to stay in that hated place any longer than was absolutely necessary
She then sent to request the ladies to visit her she wished to avoid a parade of grief—her sorrows were her own and appeared to her not to admit of increase or softening She was right the sight of them did not affect her or turn the stream of her sullen sorrow the black wave rolled along in the same course it was equal to her where she cast her eyes all was impenetrable gloom
CHAP XVI
Soon after the ladies left her she received a message from Henry requesting as she saw company to be permitted to visit her she consented and he entered immediately with an unassured pace She ran eagerly up to him—saw the tear trembling in his eye and his countenance softened by the tenderest compassion the hand which pressed hers seemed that of a fellowcreature She burst into tears and unable to restrain them she hid her face with both her hands these tears relieved her she had before had a difficulty in breathing and she sat down by him more composed than she had appeared since Anns death but her conversation was incoherent
She called herself a poor disconsolate creature—Mine is a selfish grief she exclaimed—Yet Heaven is my witness I do not wish her back now she has reached those peaceful mansions where the weary rest Her pure spirit is happy but what a wretch am I
Henry forgot his cautious reserve Would you allow me to call you friend said he in a hesitating voice I feel dear girl the tendered interest in whatever concerns thee His eyes spoke the rest They were both silent a few moments then Henry resumed the conversation I have also been acquainted with grief I mourn the loss of a woman who was not worthy of my regard Let me give thee some account of the man who now solicits thy friendship and who from motives of the purest benevolence wishes to give comfort to thy wounded heart
I have myself said he mournfully shaken hands with happiness and am dead to the world I wait patiently for my dissolution but for thee Mary there may be many bright days in store
Impossible replied she in a peevish tone as if he had insulted her by the supposition her feelings were so much in unison with his that she was in love with misery
He smiled at her impatience and went on My father died before I knew him and my mother was so attached to my eldest brother that she took very little pains to fit me for the profession to which I was destined and may I tell thee I left my family and in many different stations rambled about the world saw mankind in every rank of life and in order to be independent exerted those talents Nature has given me these exertions improved my understanding and the miseries I was witness to gave a keener edge to my sensibility My constitution is naturally weak and perhaps two or three lingering disorders in my youth first gave me a habit of reflecting and enabled me to obtain some dominion over my passions At least added he stifling a sigh over the violent ones though I fear refinement and reflection only renders the tender ones more tyrannic
I have told you already I have been in love and disappointed—the object is now no more let her faults sleep with her Yet this passion has pervaded my whole soul and mixed itself with all my affections and pursuits—I am not peacefully indifferent yet it is only to my violin I tell the sorrows I now confide with thee The object I loved forfeited my esteem yet true to the sentiment my fancy has too frequently delighted to form a creature that I could love that could convey to my soul sensations which the gross part of mankind have not any conception of
He stopped as Mary seemed lost in thought but as she was still in a listening attitude continued his little narrative I kept up an irregular correspondence with my mother my brothers extravagance and ingratitude had almost broken her heart and made her feel something like a pang of remorse on account of her behaviour to me I hastened to comfort her—and was a comfort to her
My declining health prevented my taking orders as I had intended but I with warmth entered into literary pursuits perhaps my heart not having an object made me embrace the substitute with more eagerness But do not imagine I have always been a dieaway swain No I have frequented the cheerful haunts of men and wit—enchanting wit has made many moments fly free from care I am too fond of the elegant arts and woman—lovely woman thou hast charmed me though perhaps it would not be easy to find one to whom my reason would allow me to be constant
I have now only to tell you that my mother insisted on my spending this winter in a warmer climate and I fixed on Lisbon as I had before visited the Continent He then looked Mary full in the face and with the most insinuating accents asked if he might hope for her friendship If she would rely on him as if he was her father and that the tenderest father could not more anxiously interest himself in the fate of a darling child than he did in hers
Such a crowd of thoughts all at once rushed into Marys mind that she in vain attempted to express the sentiments which were most predominant Her heart longed to receive a new guest there was a void in it accustomed to have some one to love she was alone and comfortless if not engrossed by a particular affection
Henry saw her distress and not to increase it left the room He had exerted himself to turn her thoughts into a new channel and had succeeded she thought of him till she began to chide herself for defrauding the dead and determining to grieve for Ann she dwelt on Henrys misfortunes and ill health and the interest he took in her fate was a balm to her sick mind She did not reason on the subject but she felt he was attached to her lost in this delirium she never asked herself what kind of an affection she had for him or what it tended to nor did she know that love and friendship are very distinct she thought with rapture that there was one person in the world who had an affection for her and that person she admired—had a friendship for
He had called her his dear girl the words might have fallen from him by accident but they did not fall to the ground My child His child what an association of ideas If I had had a father such a father—She could not dwell on the thoughts the wishes which obtruded themselves Her mind was unhinged and passion unperceived filled her whole soul Lost in waking dreams she considered and reconsidered Henrys account of himself till she actually thought she would tell Ann—a bitter recollection then roused her out of her reverie and aloud she begged forgiveness of her
By these kind of conflicts the day was lengthened and when she went to bed the night passed away in feverish slumbers though they did not refresh her she was spared the labour of thinking of restraining her imagination it sported uncontrouled but took its colour from her waking train of thoughts One instant she was supporting her dying mother then Ann was breathing her last and Henry was comforting her
The unwelcome light visited her languid eyes yet I must tell the truth she thought she should see Henry and this hope set her spirits in motion but they were quickly depressed by her maid who came to tell her that she had heard of a vessel on board of which she could be accommodated and that there was to be another female passenger on board a vulgar one but perhaps she would be more useful on that account—Mary did not want a companion
As she had given orders for her passage to be engaged in the first vessel that sailed she could not now retract and must prepare for the lonely voyage as the Captain intended taking advantage of the first fair wind She had too much strength of mind to waver in her determination but to determine wrung her very heart opened all her old wounds and made them bleed afresh What was she to do where go Could she set a seal to a hasty vow and tell a deliberate lie promise to love one man when the image of another was ever present to her—her soul revolted I might gain the applause of the world by such mock heroism but should I not forfeit my own forfeit thine my father
There is a solemnity in the shortest ejaculation which for a while stills the tumult of passion Marys mind had been thrown off its poise her devotion had been perhaps more fervent for some time past but less regular She forgot that happiness was not to be found on earth and built a terrestrial paradise liable to be destroyed by the first serious thought when she reasoned she became inexpressibly sad to render life bearable she gave way to fancy—this was madness
In a few days she must again go to sea the weather was very tempestuous—what of that the tempest in her soul rendered every other trifling—it was not the contending elements but herself she feared
CHAP XVII
In order to gain strength to support the expected interview she went out in a carriage The day was fine but all nature was to her a universal blank she could neither enjoy it nor weep that she could not She passed by the ruins of an old monastery on a very high hill she got out to walk amongst the ruins the wind blew violently she did not avoid its fury on the contrary wildly bid it blow on and seemed glad to contend with it or rather walk against it Exhausted she returned to the carriage was soon at home and in the old room
Henry started at the sight of her altered appearance the day before her complexion had been of the most pallid hue but now her cheeks were flushed and her eyes enlivened with a false vivacity an unusual fire He was not well his illness was apparent in his countenance and he owned he had not closed his eyes all night this roused her dormant tenderness she forgot they were so soon to partengrossed by the present happiness of seeing of hearing him
Once or twice she essayed to tell him that she was in a few days to depart but she could not she was irresolute it will do tomorrow should the wind change they could not sail in such a hurry thus she thought and insensibly grew more calm The Ladies prevailed on her to spend the evening with them but she retired very early to rest and sat on the side of her bed several hours then threw herself on it and waited for the dreaded tomorrow
CHAP XVIII
The ladies heard that her servant was to be married that day and that she was to sail in the vessel which was then clearing out at the Customhouse Henry heard but did not make any remarks and Mary called up all her fortitude to support her and enable her to hide from the females her internal struggles She durst not encounter Henrys glances when she found he had been informed of her intention and trying to draw a veil over her wretched state of mind she talked incessantly she knew not what flashes of wit burst from her and when she began to laugh she could not stop herself
Henry smiled at some of her sallies and looked at her with such benignity and compassion that he recalled her scattered thoughts and the ladies going to dress for dinner they were left alone and remained silent a few moments after the noisy conversation it appeared solemn Henry began You are going Mary and going by yourself your mind is not in a state to be left to its own operations—yet I cannot dissuade you if I attempted to do it I should ill deserve the title I wish to merit I only think of your happiness could I obey the strongest impulse of my heart I should accompany thee to England but such a step might endanger your future peace
Mary then with all the frankness which marked her character explained her situation to him and mentioned her fatal tie with such disgust that he trembled for her I cannot see him he is not the man formed for me to love Her delicacy did not restrain her for her dislike to her husband had taken root in her mind long before she knew Henry Did she not fix on Lisbon rather than France on purpose to avoid him and if Ann had been in tolerable health she would have flown with her to some remote corner to have escaped from him
I intend said Henry to follow you in the next packet where shall I hear of your health Oh let me hear of thine replied Mary I am well very well but thou art very ill—thy health is in the most precarious state She then mentioned her intention of going to Anns relations I am her representative I have duties to fulfil for her during my voyage I have time enough for reflection though I think I have already determined
Be not too hasty my child interrupted Henry far be it from me to persuade thee to do violence to thy feelings—but consider that all thy future life may probably take its colour from thy present mode of conduct Our affections as well as our sentiments are fluctuating you will not perhaps always either think or feel as you do at present the object you now shun may appear in a different light He paused In advising thee in this style I have only thy good at heart Mary
She only answered to expostulate My affections are involuntary—yet they can only be fixed by reflection and when they are they make quite a part of my soul are interwoven in it animate my actions and form my taste certain qualities are calculated to call forth my sympathies and make me all I am capable of being The governing affection gives its stamp to the rest—because I am capable of loving one I have that kind of charity to all my fellowcreatures which is not easily provoked Milton has asserted That earthly love is the scale by which to heavenly we may ascend
She went on with eagerness My opinions on some subjects are not wavering my pursuit through life has ever been the same in solitude were my sentiments formed they are indelible and nothing can efface them but death—No death itself cannot efface them or my soul must be created afresh and not improved Yet a little while am I parted from my Ann—I could not exist without the hope of seeing her again—I could not bear to think that time could wear away an affection that was founded on what is not liable to perish you might as well attempt to persuade me that my soul is matter and that its feelings arose from certain modifications of it
Dear enthusiastic creature whispered Henry how you steal into my soul She still continued The same turn of mind which leads me to adore the Author of all Perfection—which leads me to conclude that he only can fill my soul forces me to admire the faint imagethe shadows of his attributes here below and my imagination gives still bolder strokes to them I knew I am in some degree under the influence of a delusion—but does not this strong delusion prove that I myself am of subtiler essence than the trodden clod these flights of the imagination point to futurity I cannot banish them Every cause in nature produces an effect and am I an exception to the general rule have I desires implanted in me only to make me miserable will they never be gratified shall I never be happy My feelings do not accord with the notion of solitary happiness In a state of bliss it will be the society of beings we can love without the alloy that earthly infirmities mix with our best affections that will constitute great part of our happiness
With these notions can I conform to the maxims of worldly wisdom can I listen to the cold dictates of worldly prudence and bid my tumultuous passions cease to vex me be still find content in grovelling pursuits and the admiration of the misjudging crowd when it is only one I wish to please—one who could be all the world to me Argue not with me I am bound by human ties but did my spirit ever promise to love or could I consider when forced to bind myself—to take a vow that at the awful day of judgment I must give an account of My conscience does not smite me and that Being who is greater than the internal monitor may approve of what the world condemns sensible that in Him I live could I brave His presence or hope in solitude to find peace if I acted contrary to conviction that the world might approve of my conduct—what could the world give to compensate for my own esteem it is ever hostile and armed against the feeling heart
Riches and honours await me and the cold moralist might desire me to sit down and enjoy them—I cannot conquer my feelings and till I do what are these baubles to me you may tell me I follow a fleeting good an ignis fatuus but this chase these struggles prepare me for eternity—when I no longer see through a glass darkly I shall not reason about but feel in what happiness consists
Henry had not attempted to interrupt her he saw she was determined and that these sentiments were not the effusion of the moment but well digested ones the result of strong affections a high sense of honour and respect for the source of all virtue and truth He was startled if not entirely convinced by her arguments indeed her voice her gestures were all persuasive
Some one now entered the room he looked an answer to her long harangue it was fortunate for him or he might have been led to say what in a cooler moment he had determined to conceal but were words necessary to reveal it He wished not to influence her conduct—vain precaution she knew she was beloved and could she forget that such a man loved her or rest satisfied with any inferior gratification When passion first enters the heart it is only a return of affection that is sought after and every other remembrance and wish is blotted out
CHAP XIX
Two days passed away without any particular conversation Henry trying to be indifferent or to appear so was more assiduous than ever The conflict was too violent for his present state of health the spirit was willing but the body suffered he lost his appetite and looked wretchedly his spirits were calmly low—the world seemed to fade away—what was that world to him that Mary did not inhabit she lived not for him
He was mistaken his affection was her only support without this dear prop she had sunk into the grave of her lost—longloved friend—his attention snatched her from despair Inscrutable are the ways of Heaven
The third day Mary was desired to prepare herself for if the wind continued in the same point they should set sail the next evening She tried to prepare her mind and her efforts were not useless she appeared less agitated than could have been expected and talked of her voyage with composure On great occasions she was generally calm and collected her resolution would brace her unstrung nerves but after the victory she had no triumph she would sink into a state of moping melancholy and feel tenfold misery when the heroic enthusiasm was over
The morning of the day fixed on for her departure she was alone with Henry only a few moments and an awkward kind of formality made them slip away without their having said much to each other Henry was afraid to discover his passion or give any other name to his regard but friendship yet his anxious solicitude for her welfare was ever breaking outwhile she as artlessly expressed again and again her fears with respect to his declining health
We shall soon meet said he with a faint smile Mary smiled too she caught the sickly beam it was still fainter by being reflected and not knowing what she wished to do started up and left the room When she was alone she regretted she had left him so precipitately The few precious moments I have thus thrown away may never return she thoughtthe reflection led to misery
She waited for nay almost wished for the summons to depart She could not avoid spending the intermediate time with the ladies and Henry and the trivial conversations she was obliged to bear a part in harassed her more than can be well conceived
The summons came and the whole party attended her to the vessel For a while the remembrance of Ann banished her regret at parting with Henry though his pale figure pressed on her sight it may seem a paradox but he was more present to her when she sailed her tears then were all his own
My poor Ann thought Mary along this road we came and near this spot you called me your guardian angel—and now I leave thee here ah no I do not—thy spirit is not confined to its mouldering tenement Tell me thou soul of her I love tell me ah whither art thou fled Ann occupied her until they reached the ship
The anchor was weighed Nothing can be more irksome than waiting to say farewel As the day was serene they accompanied her a little way and then got into the boat Henry was the last he pressed her hand it had not any life in it she leaned over the side of the ship without looking at the boat till it was so far distant that she could not see the countenances of those that were in it a mist spread itself over her sight—she longed to exchange one look—tried to recollect the last—the universe contained no being but Henry—The grief of parting with him had swept all others clean away Her eyes followed the keel of the boat and when she could no longer perceive its traces she looked round on the wide waste of waters thought of the precious moments which had been stolen from the waste of murdered time
She then descended into the cabin regardless of the surrounding beauties of nature and throwing herself on her bed in the little hole which was called the stateroom—she wished to forget her existence On this bed she remained two days listening to the dashing waves unable to close her eyes A small taper made the darkness visible and the third night by its glimmering light she wrote the following fragment
Poor solitary wretch that I am here alone do I listen to the whistling winds and dashing waves—on no human support can I rest—when not lost to hope I found pleasure in the society of those rough beings but now they appear not like my fellow creatures no social ties draw me to them How long how dreary has this day been yet I scarcely wish it over—for what will tomorrow bring—tomorrow and tomorrow will only be marked with unvaried characters of wretchedness—Yet surely I am not alone
Her moistened eyes were lifted up to heaven a crowd of thoughts darted into her mind and pressing her hand against her forehead as if to bear the intellectual weight she tried but tried in vain to arrange them Father of Mercies compose this troubled spirit do I indeed wish it to be composed—to forget my Henry the my the pen was directly drawn across in an agony
CHAP XX
The mate of the ship who heard her stir came to offer her some refreshment and she who formerly received every offer of kindness or civility with pleasure now shrunk away disgusted peevishly she desired him not to disturb her but the words were hardly articulated when her heart smote her she called him back and requested something to drink After drinking it fatigued by her mental exertions she fell into a deathlike slumber which lasted some hours but did not refresh her on the contrary she awoke languid and stupid
The wind still continued contrary a week a dismal week had she struggled with her sorrows and the struggle brought on a slow fever which sometimes gave her false spirits
The winds then became very tempestuous the Great Deep was troubled and all the passengers appalled Mary then left her bed and went on deck to survey the contending elements the scene accorded with the present state of her soul she thought in a few hours I may go home the prisoner may be released The vessel rose on a wave and descended into a yawning gulph—Not slower did her mounting soul return to earth for—Ah her treasure and her heart was there The squalls rattled amongst the sails which were quickly taken down the wind would then die away and the wild undirected waves rushed on every side with a tremendous roar In a little vessel in the midst of such a storm she was not dismayed she felt herself independent
Just then one of the crew perceived a signal of distress by the help of a glass he could plainly discover a small vessel dismasted drifted about for the rudder had been broken by the violence of the storm Marys thoughts were now all engrossed by the crew on the brink of destruction They bore down to the wreck they reached it and hailed the trembling wretches at the sound of the friendly greeting loud cries of tumultuous joy were mixed with the roaring of the waves and with ecstatic transport they leaped on the shattered deck launched their boat in a moment and committed themselves to the mercy of the sea Stowed between two casks and leaning on a sail she watched the boat and when a wave intercepted it from her view—she ceased to breathe or rather held her breath until it rose again
At last the boat arrived safe alongside the ship and Mary caught the poor trembling wretches as they stumbled into it and joined them in thanking that gracious Being who though He had not thought fit to still the raging of the sea had afforded them unexpected succour
Amongst the wretched crew was one poor woman who fainted when she was hauled on board Mary undressed her and when she had recovered and soothed her left her to enjoy the rest she required to recruit her strength which fear had quite exhausted She returned again to view the angry deep and when she gazed on its perturbed state she thought of the Being who rode on the wings of the wind and stilled the noise of the sea and the madness of the people—He only could speak peace to her troubled spirit she grew more calm the late transaction had gratified her benevolence and stole her out of herself
One of the sailors happening to say to another that he believed the world was going to be at an end this observation led her into a new train of thoughts some of Handels sublime compositions occurred to her and she sung them to the grand accompaniment The Lord God Omnipotent reigned and would reign for ever and ever—Why then did she fear the sorrows that were passing away when she knew that He would bind up the brokenhearted and receive those who came out of great tribulation She retired to her cabin and wrote in the little book that was now her only confident It was after midnight
At this solemn hour the great day of judgment fills my thoughts the day of retribution when the secrets of all hearts will be revealed when all worldly distinctions will fade away and be no more seen I have not words to express the sublime images which the bare contemplation of this awful day raises in my mind Then indeed the Lord Omnipotent will reign and He will wipe the tearful eye and support the trembling heart—yet a little while He hideth his face and the dun shades of sorrow and the thick clouds of folly separate us from our God but when the glad dawn of an eternal day breaks we shall know even as we are known Here we walk by faith and not by sight and we have this alternative either to enjoy the pleasures of life which are but for a season or look forward to the prize of our high calling and with fortitude and that wisdom which is from above endeavour to bear the warfare of life We know that many run the race but he that striveth obtaineth the crown of victory Our race is an arduous one How many are betrayed by traitors lodged in their own breasts who wear the garb of Virtue and are so near akin we sigh to think they should ever lead into folly and slide imperceptibly into vice Surely any thing like happiness is madness Shall probationers of an hour presume to pluck the fruit of immortality before they have conquered death it is guarded when the great day to which I allude arrives the way will again be opened Ye dear delusions gay deceits farewel and yet I cannot banish ye for ever still does my panting soul push forward and live in futurity in the deep shades oer which darkness hangs—I try to pierce the gloom and find a restingplace where my thirst of knowledge will be gratified and my ardent affections find an object to fix them Every thing material must change happiness and this fluctating principle is not compatible Eternity immateriality and happiness—what are ye How shall I grasp the mighty and fleeting conceptions ye create
After writing serenely she delivered her soul into the hands of the Father of Spirits and slept in peace
CHAP XXI
Mary rose early refreshed by the seasonable rest and went to visit the poor woman whom she found quite recovered and on enquiry heard that she had lately buried her husband a common sailor and that her only surviving child had been washed overboard the day before Full of her own danger she scarcely thought of her child till that was over and then she gave way to boisterous emotions
Mary endeavoured to calm her at first by sympathizing with her and she tried to point out the only solid source of comfort but in doing this she encountered many difficulties she found her grossly ignorant yet she did not despair and as the poor creature could not receive comfort from the operations of her own mind she laboured to beguile the hours which grief made heavy by adapting her conversation to her capacity
There are many minds that only receive impressions through the medium of the senses to them did Mary address herself she made her some presents and promised to assist her when they should arrive in England This employment roused her out of her late stupor and again set the faculties of her soul in motion made the understanding contend with the imagination and the heart throbbed not so irregularly during the contention How shortlived was the calm when the English coast was descried her sorrows returned with redoubled vigor—She was to visit and comfort the mother of her lost friend—And where then should she take up her residence These thoughts suspended the exertions of her understanding abstracted reflections gave way to alarming apprehensions and tenderness undermined fortitude
CHAP XXII
In England then landed the forlorn wanderer She looked round for some few moments—her affections were not attracted to any particular part of the Island She knew none of the inhabitants of the vast city to which she was going the mass of buildings appeared to her a huge body without an informing soul As she passed through the streets in an hackneycoach disgust and horror alternately filled her mind She met some women drunk and the manners of those who attacked the sailors made her shrink into herself and exclaim are these my fellow creatures
Detained by a number of carts near the waterside for she came up the river in the vessel not having reason to hasten on shore she saw vulgarity dirt and vice—her soul sickened this was the first time such complicated misery obtruded itself on her sight—Forgetting her own griefs she gave the world a much indebted tear mourned for a world in ruins She then perceived that great part of her comfort must arise from viewing the smiling face of nature and be reflected from the view of innocent enjoyments she was fond of seeing animals play and could not bear to see her own species sink below them
In a little dwelling in one of the villages near London lived the mother of Ann two of her children still remained with her but they did not resemble Ann To her house Mary directed the coach and told the unfortunate mother of her loss The poor woman oppressed by it and her many other cares after an inundation of tears began to enumerate all her past misfortunes and present cares The heavy tale lasted until midnight and the impression it made on Marys mind was so strong that it banished sleep till towards morning when tired nature sought forgetfulness and the soul ceased to ruminate about many things
She sent for the poor woman they took up at sea provided her a lodging and relieved her present necessities A few days were spent in a kind of listless way then the mother of Ann began to enquire when she thought of returning home She had hitherto treated her with the greatest respect and concealed her wonder at Marys choosing a remote room in the house near the garden and ordering some alterations to be made as if she intended living in it
Mary did not choose to explain herself had Ann lived it is probable she would never have loved Henry so fondly but if she had she could not have talked of her passion to any human creature She deliberated and at last informed the family that she had a reason for not living with her husband which must some time remain a secret—they stared—Not live with him how will you live then This was a question she could not answer she had only about eighty pounds remaining of the money she took with her to Lisbon when it was exhausted where could she get more I will work she cried do any thing rather than be a slave
CHAP XXIII
Unhappy she wandered about the village and relieved the poor it was the only employment that eased her aching heart she became more intimate with misery—the misery that rises from poverty and the want of education She was in the vicinity of a great city the vicious poor in and about it must ever grieve a benevolent contemplative mind
One evening a man who stood weeping in a little lane near the house she resided in caught her eye She accosted him in a confused manner he informed her that his wife was dying and his children crying for the bread he could not earn Mary desired to be conducted to his habitation it was not very distant and was the upper room in an old mansionhouse which had been once the abode of luxury Some tattered shreds of rich hangings still remained covered with cobwebs and filth round the ceiling through which the rain dropd was a beautiful cornice mouldering and a spacious gallery was rendered dark by the broken windows being blocked up through the apertures the wind forced its way in hollow sounds and reverberated along the former scene of festivity
It was crowded with inhabitants som were scolding others swearing or singing indecent songs What a sight for Mary Her blood ran cold yet she had sufficient resolution to mount to the top of the house On the floor in one corner of a very small room lay an emaciated figure of a woman a window over her head scarcely admitted any light for the broken panes were stuffed with dirty rags Near her were five children all young and covered with dirt their sallow cheeks and languid eyes exhibited none of the charms of childhood Some were fighting and others crying for food their yells were mixed with their mothers groans and the wind which rushed through the passage Mary was petrified but soon assuming more courage approached the bed and regardless of the surrounding nastiness knelt down by the poor wretch and breathed the most poisonous air for the unfortunate creature was dying of a putrid fever the consequence of dirt and want
Their state did not require much explanation Mary sent the husband for a poor neighbour whom she hired to nurse the woman and take care of the children and then went herself to buy them some necessaries at a shop not far distant Her knowledge of physic had enabled her to prescribe for the woman and she left the house with a mixture of horror and satisfaction
She visited them every day and procured them every comfort contrary to her expectation the woman began to recover cleanliness and wholesome food had a wonderful effect and Mary saw her rising as it were from the grave Not aware of the danger she ran into she did not think of it till she perceived she had caught the fever It made such an alarming progress that she was prevailed on to send for a physician but the disorder was so violent that for some days it baffled his skill and Mary felt not her danger as she was delirious After the crisis the symptoms were more favourable and she slowly recovered without regaining much strength or spirits indeed they were intolerably low she wanted a tender nurse
For some time she had observed that she was not treated with the same respect as formerly her favors were forgotten when no more were expected This ingratitude hurt her as did a similar instance in the woman who came out of the ship Mary had hitherto supported her as her finances were growing low she hinted to her that she ought to try to earn her own subsistence the woman in return loaded her with abuse
Two months were elapsed she had not seen or heard from Henry He was sick—nay perhaps had forgotten her all the world was dreary and all the people ungrateful
She sunk into apathy and endeavouring to rouse herself out of it she wrote in her book another fragment
Surely life is a dream a frightful one and after those rude disjointed images are fled will light ever break in Shall I ever feel joy Do all suffer like me or am I framed so as to be particularly susceptible of misery It is true I have experienced the most rapturous emotions—shortlived delight—ethereal beam which only serves to shew my present misery—yet lie still my throbbing heart or burst and my brain—why dost thou whirl about at such a terrifying rate why do thoughts so rapidly rush into my mind and yet when they disappear leave such deep traces I could almost wish for the madmans happiness and in a strong imagination lose a sense of woe
Oh reason thou boasted guide why desert me like the world when I most need thy assistance Canst thou not calm this internal tumult and drive away the deathlike sadness which presses so sorely on me—a sadness surely very nearly allied to despair I am now the prey of apathy—I could wish for the former storms a ray of hope sometimes illumined my path I had a pursuit but now it visits not my haunts forlorn Too well have I loved my fellow creatures I have been wounded by ingratitude from every one it has something of the serpents tooth
When overwhelmed by sorrow I have met unkindness I looked for some one to have pity on me but found none—The healing balm of sympathy is denied I weep a solitary wretch and the hot tears scald my cheeks I have not the medicine of life the dear chimera I have so often chased a friend Shade of my loved Ann dost thou ever visit thy poor Mary Refined spirit thou wouldst weep could angels weep to see her struggling with passions she cannot subdue and feelings which corrode her small portion of comfort
She could not write any more she wished herself far distant from all human society a thick gloom spread itself over her mind but did not make her forget the very beings she wished to fly from She sent for the poor woman she found in the garret gave her money to clothe herself and children and buy some furniture for a little hut in a large garden the master of which agreed to employ her husband who had been bred a gardener Mary promised to visit the family and see their new abode when she was able to go out
CHAP XXIV
Mary still continued weak and low though it was spring and all nature began to look gay with more than usual brightness the sun shone and a little robin which she had cherished during the winter sung one of his best songs The family were particularly civil this fine morning and tried to prevail on her to walk out Any thing like kindness melted her she consented
Softer emotions banished her melancholy and she directed her steps to the habitation she had rendered comfortable
Emerging out of a dreary chamber all nature looked cheerful when she had last walked out snow covered the ground and bleak winds pierced her through and through now the hedges were green the blossoms adorned the trees and the birds sung She reached the dwelling without being much exhausted and while she rested there observed the children sporting on the grass with improved complexions The mother with tears thanked her deliverer and pointed out her comforts Marys tears flowed not only from sympathy but a complication of feelings and recollections the affections which bound her to her fellow creatures began again to play and reanimated nature She observed the change in herself tried to account for it and wrote with her pencil a rhapsody on sensibility
Sensibility is the most exquisite feeling of which the human soul is susceptible when it pervades us we feel happy and could it last unmixed we might form some conjecture of the bliss of those paradisiacal days when the obedient passions were under the dominion of reason and the impulses of the heart did not need correction
It is this quickness this delicacy of feeling which enables us to relish the sublime touches of the poet and the painter it is this which expands the soul gives an enthusiastic greatness mixed with tenderness when we view the magnificent objects of nature or hear of a good action The same effect we experience in the spring when we hail the returning sun and the consequent renovation of nature when the flowers unfold themselves and exhale their sweets and the voice of music is heard in the land Softened by tenderness the soul is disposed to be virtuous Is any sensual gratification to be compared to that of feelings the eves moistened after having comforted the unfortunate
Sensibility is indeed the foundation of all our happiness but these raptures are unknown to the depraved sensualist who is only moved by what strikes his gross senses the delicate embellishments of nature escape his notice as do the gentle and interesting affections—But it is only to be felt it escapes discussion
She then returned home and partook of the family meal which was rendered more cheerful by the presence of a man past the meridian of life of polished manners and dazzling wit He endeavoured to draw Mary out and succeeded she entered into conversation and some of her artless flights of genius struck him with surprise he found she had a capacious mind and that her reason was as profound as her imagination was lively She glanced from earth to heaven and caught the light of truth Her expressive countenance shewed what passed in her mind and her tongue was ever the faithful interpreter of her heart duplicity never threw a shade over her words or actions Mary found him a man of learning and the exercise of her understanding would frequently make her forget her griefs when nothing else could except benevolence
This man had known the mistress of the house in her youth good nature induced him to visit her but when he saw Mary he had another inducement Her appearance and above all her genius and cultivation of mind roused his curiosity but her dignified manners had such an effect on him he was obliged to suppress it He knew men as well as books his conversation was entertaining and improving In Marys company he doubted whether heaven was peopled with spirits masculine and almost forgot that he had called the sex the pretty play things that render life tolerable
He had been the slave of beauty the captive of sense love he neer had felt the mind never rivetted the chain nor had the purity of it made the body appear lovely in his eyes He was humane despised meanness but was vain of his abilities and by no means a useful member of society He talked often of the beauty of virtue but not having any solid foundation to build the practice on he was only a shining or rather a sparkling character and though his fortune enabled him to hunt down pleasure he was discontented
Mary observed his character and wrote down a train of reflections which these observations led her to make these reflections received a tinge from her mind the present state of it was that kind of painful quietness which arises from reason clouded by disgust she had not yet learned to be resigned vague hopes agitated her
There are some subjects that are so enveloped in clouds as you dissipate one another overspreads it Of this kind are our reasonings concerning happiness till we are obliged to cry out with the Apostle That it hath not entered into the heart of man to conceive in what it could consist or how satiety could be prevented Man seems formed for action though the passions are seldom properly managed they are either so languid as not to serve as a spur or else so violent as to overleap all bounds
Every individual has its own peculiar trials and anguish in one shape or other visits every heart Sensibility produces flights of virtue and not curbed by reason is on the brink of vice talking and even thinking of virtue
Christianity can only afford just principles to govern the wayward feelings and impulses of the heart every good disposition runs wild if not transplanted into this soil but how hard is it to keep the heart diligently though convinced that the issues of life depend on it
It is very difficult to discipline the mind of a thinker or reconcile him to the weakness the inconsistency of his understanding and a still more laborious task for him to conquer his passions and learn to seek content instead of happiness Good dispositions and virtuous propensities without the light of the Gospel produce eccentric characters cometlike they are always in extremes while revelation resembles the laws of attraction and produces uniformity but too often is the attraction feeble and the light so obscured by passion as to force the bewildered soul to fly into void space and wander in confusion
CHAP XXV
A few mornings after as Mary was sitting ruminating harassed by perplexing thoughts and fears a letter was delivered to her the servant waited for an answer Her heart palpitated it was from Henry she held it some time in her hand then tore it open it was not a long one and only contained an account of a relapse which prevented his sailing in the first packet as he had intended Some tender enquiries were added concerning her health and state of mind but they were expressed in rather a formal style it vexed her and the more so as it stopped the current of affection which the account of his arrival and illness had made flow to her heart—it ceased to beat for a moment—she read the passage over again but could not tell what she was hurt by—only that it did not answer the expectations of her affection She wrote a laconic incoherent note in return allowing him to call on her the next day—he had requested permission at the conclusion of his letter
Her mind was then painfully active she could not read or walk she tried to fly from herself to forget the long hours that were yet to run before tomorrow could arrive she knew not what time he would come certainly in the morning she concluded the morning then was anxiously wished for and every wish produced a sigh that arose from expectation on the stretch damped by fear and vain regret
To beguile the tedious time Henrys favorite tunes were sung the books they read together turned over and the short epistle read at least a hundred times—Any one who had seen her would have supposed that she was trying to decypher Chinese characters
After a sleepless night she hailed the tardy day watched the rising sun and then listened for every footstep and started if she heard the street door opened At last he came and she who had been counting the hours and doubting whether the earth moved would gladly have escaped the approaching interview
With an unequal irresolute pace she went to meet him but when she beheld his emaciated countenance all the tenderness which the formality of his letter had damped returned and a mournful presentiment stilled the internal conflict She caught his hand and looking wistfully at him exclaimed Indeed you are not well
I am very far from well but it matters not added he with a smile of resignation my native air may work wonders and besides my mother is a tender nurse and I shall sometimes see thee
Mary felt for the first time in her life envy she wished involuntarily that all the comfort he received should be from her She enquired about the symptoms of his disorder and heard that he had been very ill she hastily drove away the fears that former dear bought experience suggested and again and again did she repeat that she was sure he would soon recover She would then look in his face to see if he assented and ask more questions to the same purport She tried to avoid speaking of herself and Henry left her with a promise of visiting her the next day
Her mind was now engrossed by one fear—yet she would not allow herself to think that she feared an event she could not name She still saw his pale face the sound of his voice still vibrated on her ears she tried to retain it she listened looked round wept and prayed
Henry had enlightened the desolate scene was this charm of life to fade away and like the baseless fabric of a vision leave not a wreck behind These thoughts disturbed her reason she shook her head as if to drive them out of it a weight a heavy one was on her heart all was not well there
Out of this reverie she was soon woke to keener anguish by the arrival of a letter from her husband it came to Lisbon after her departure Henry had forwarded it to her but did not choose to deliver it himself for a very obvious reason it might have produced a conversation he wished for some time to avoid and his precaution took its rise almost equally from benevolence and love
She could not muster up sufficient resolution to break the seal her fears were not prophetic for the contents gave her comfort He informed her that he intended prolonging his tour as he was now his own master and wished to remain some time on the continent and in particular to visit Italy without any restraint but his reasons for it appeared childish it was not to cultivate his taste or tread on classic ground where poets and philosophers caught their lore but to join in the masquerades and such burlesque amusements
These instances of folly relieved Mary in some degree reconciled her to herself added fuel to the devouring flame—and silenced something like a pang which reason and conscience made her feel when she reflected that it is the office of Religion to reconcile us to the seemingly hard dispensations of providence and that no inclination however strong should oblige us to desert the post assigned us or force us to forget that virtue should be an active principle and that the most desirable station is the one that exercises our faculties refines our affections and enables us to be useful
One reflection continually wounded her repose she feared not poverty her wants were few but in giving up a fortune she gave up the power of comforting the miserable and making the sad heart sing for joy
Heaven had endowed her with uncommon humanity to render her one of His benevolent agents a messenger of peace and should she attend to her own inclinations
These suggestions though they could not subdue a violent passion increased her misery One moment she was a heroine half determined to bear whatever fate should inflict the next her mind would recoil—and tenderness possessed her whole soul Some instances of Henrys affection his worth and genius were remembered and the earth was only a vale of tears because he was not to sojourn with her
CHAP XXVI
Henry came the next day and once or twice in the course of the following week but still Mary kept up some little formality a certain consciousness restrained her and Henry did not enter on the subject which he found she wished to avoid In the course of conversation however she mentioned to him that she earnestly desired to obtain a place in one of the public offices for Anns brother as the family were again in a declining way
Henry attended made a few enquiries and dropped the subject but the following week she heard him enter with unusual haste it was to inform her that he had made interest with a person of some consequence whom he had once obliged in a very disagreeable exigency in a foreign country and that he had procured a place for her friend which would infallibly lead to something better if he behaved with propriety Mary could not speak to thank him emotions of gratitude and love suffused her face her blood eloquently spoke She delighted to receive benefits through the medium of her fellow creatures but to receive them from Henry was exquisite pleasure
As the summer advanced Henry grew worse the closeness of the air in the metropolis affected his breath and his mother insisted on his fixing on some place in the country where she would accompany him He could not think of going far off but chose a little village on the banks of the Thames near Marys dwelling he then introduced her to his mother
They frequently went down the river in a boat Henry would take his violin and Mary would sometimes sing or read to them She pleased his mother she inchanted him It was an advantage to Mary that friendship first possessed her heart it opened it to all the softer sentiments of humanity—and when this first affection was torn away a similar one sprung up with a still tenderer sentiment added to it
The last evening they were on the water the clouds grew suddenly black and broke in violent showers which interrupted the solemn stillness that had prevailed previous to it The thunder roared and the oars plying quickly in order to reach the shore occasioned a not unpleasing sound Mary drew still nearer Henry she wished to have sought with him a watry grave to have escaped the horror of surviving him—She spoke not but Henry saw the workings of her mind—he felt them threw his arm round her waist—and they enjoyed the luxury of wretchedness—As they touched the shore Mary perceived that Henry was wet with eager anxiety she cried What shall I do—this day will kill thee and I shall not die with thee
This accident put a stop to their pleasurable excursions it had injured him and brought on the spitting of blood he was subject to—perhaps it was not the cold that he caught that occasioned it In vain did Mary try to shut her eyes her fate pursued her Henry every day grew worse and worse
CHAP XXVII
Oppressed by her foreboding fears her sore mind was hurt by new instances of ingratitude disgusted with the family whose misfortunes had often disturbed her repose and lost in anticipated sorrow she rambled she knew not where when turning down a shady walk she discovered her feet had taken the path they delighted to tread She saw Henry sitting in his garden alone he quickly opened the gardengate and she sat down by him
I did not said he expect to see thee this evening my dearest Mary but I was thinking of thee Heaven has endowed thee with an uncommon portion of fortitude to support one of the most affectionate hearts in the world This is not a time for disguise I know I am dear to thee—and my affection for thee is twisted with every fibre of my heart—I loved thee ever since I have been acquainted with thine thou art the being my fancy has delighted to form but which I imagined existed only there In a little while the shades of death will encompass me—illfated love perhaps added strength to my disease and smoothed the rugged path Try my love to fulfil thy destined course—try to add to thy other virtues patience I could have wished for thy sake that we could have died together—or that I could live to shield thee from the assaults of an unfeeling world Could I but offer thee an asylum in these arms—a faithful bosom in which thou couldst repose all thy griefs— He pressed her to it and she returned the pressure—he felt her throbbing heart A mournful silence ensued when he resumed the conversation I wished to prepare thee for the blow—too surely do I feel that it will not be long delayed The passion I have nursed is so pure that death cannot extinguish it—or tear away the impression thy virtues have made on my soul I would fain comfort thee—
Talk not of comfort interrupted Mary it will be in heaven with thee and Ann—while I shall remain on earth the veriest wretch—She grasped his hand
There we shall meet my love my Mary in our Fathers— His voice faultered he could not finish the sentence he was almost suffocated—they both wept their tears relieved them they walked slowly to the gardengate Mary would not go into the house they could not say farewel when they reached it—and Mary hurried down the lane to spare Henry the pain of witnessing her emotions
When she lost sight of the house she sat down on the ground till it grew late thinking of all that had passed Full of these thoughts she crept along regardless of the descending rain when lifting up her eyes to heaven and then turning them wildly on the prospects around without marking them she only felt that the scene accorded with her present state of mind It was the last glimmering of twilight with a full moon over which clouds continually flitted Where am I wandering God of Mercy she thought she alluded to the wanderings of her mind In what a labyrinth am I lost What miseries have I already encountered—and what a number lie still before me
Her thoughts flew rapidly to something I could be happy listening to him soothing his cares—Would he not smile upon me—call me his own Mary I am not his—said she with fierceness—I am a wretch and she heaved a sigh that almost broke her heart while the big tears rolled down her burning cheeks but still her exercised mind accustomed to think began to observe its operation though the barrier of reason was almost carried away and all the faculties not restrained by her were running into confusion Wherefore am I made thus Vain are my efforts—I cannot live without loving—and love leads to madness—Yet I will not weep and her eyes were now fixed by despair dry and motionless and then quickly whirled about with a look of distraction
She looked for hope but found none—all was troubled waters—No where could she find rest I have already paced to and fro in the earth it is not my abiding place—may I not too go home Ah no Is this complying with my Henrys request could a spirit thus disengaged expect to associate with his Tears of tenderness strayed down her relaxed countenance and her softened heart heaved more regularly She felt the rain and turned to her solitary home
Fatigued by the tumultuous emotions she had endured when she entered the house she ran to her own room sunk on the bed and exhausted nature soon closed her eyes but active fancy was still awake and a thousand fearful dreams interrupted her slumbers
Feverish and languid she opened her eyes and saw the unwelcome sun dart his rays through a window the curtains of which she had forgotten to draw The dew hung on the adjacent trees and added to the lustre the little robin began his song and distant birds joined She looked her countenance was still vacant—her sensibility was absorbed by one object
Did I ever admire the rising sun she slightly thought turning from the Window and shutting her eyes she recalled to view the last nights scene His faltering voice lingering step and the look of tender woe were all graven on her heart as were the words Could these arms shield thee from sorrow—afford thee an asylum from an unfeeling world The pressure to his bosom was not forgot For a moment she was happy but in a longdrawn sigh every delightful sensation evaporated Soon—yes very soon will the grave again receive all I love and the remnant of my days—she could not proceed—Were there then days to come after that
CHAP XXVIII
Just as she was going to quit her room to visit Henry his mother called on her
My son is worse today said she I come to request you to spend not only this day but a week or two with me—Why should I conceal any thing from you Last night my child made his mother his confident and in the anguish of his heart requested me to be thy friend—when I shall be childless I will not attempt to describe what I felt when he talked thus to me If I am to lose the support of my age and be again a widow—may I call her Child whom my Henry wishes me to adopt
This new instance of Henrys disinterested affection Mary felt most forcibly and striving to restrain the complicated emotions and sooth the wretched mother she almost fainted when the unhappy parent forced tears from her by saying I deserve this blow my partial fondness made me neglect him when most he wanted a mothers care this neglect perhaps first injured his constitution righteous Heaven has made my crime its own punishment and now I am indeed a mother I shall loss my child—my only child
When they were a little more composed they hastened to the invalide but during the short ride the mother related several instances of Henrys goodness of heart Marys tears were not those of unmixed anguish the display of his virtues gave her extreme delight—yet human nature prevailed she trembled to think they would soon unfold themselves in a more genial clime
CHAP XXIX
She found Henry very ill The physician had some weeks before declared he never knew a person with a similar pulse recover Henry was certain he could not live long all the rest he could obtain was procured by opiates Mary now enjoyed the melancholy pleasure of nursing him and softened by her tenderness the pains she could not remove Every sigh did she stifle every tear restrain when he could see or hear them She would boast of her resignation—yet catch eagerly at the least ray of hope While he slept she would support his pillow and rest her head where she could feel his breath She loved him better than herself—she could not pray for his recovery she could only say The will of Heaven be done
While she was in this state she labored to acquire fortitude but one tender look destroyed it all—she rather labored indeed to make him believe he was resigned than really to be so
She wished to receive the sacrament with him as a bond of union which was to extend beyond the grave She did so and received comfort from it she rose above her misery
His end was now approaching Mary sat on the side of the bed His eyes appeared fixed—no longer agitated by passion he only felt that it was a fearful thing to die The soul retired to the citadel but it was not now solely filled by the image of her who in silent despair watched for his last breath Collected a frightful calmness stilled every turbulent emotion
The mothers grief was more audible Henry had for some time only attended to Mary—Mary pitied the parent whose stings of conscience increased her sorrow she whispered him Thy mother weeps disregarded by thee oh comfort her—My mother thy son blesses thee— The oppressed parent left the room And Mary waited to see him die
She pressed with trembling eagerness his parched lips—he opened his eyes again the spreading film retired and love returned them—he gave a look—it was never forgotten My Mary will you be comforted
Yes yes she exclaimed in a firm voice you go to be happy—I am not a complete wretch The words almost choked her
He was a long time silent the opiate produced a kind of stupor At last in an agony he cried It is dark I cannot see thee raise me up Where is Mary did she not say she delighted to support me let me die in her arms
Her arms were opened to receive him they trembled not Again he was obliged to lie down resting on her as the agonies increased he leaned towards her the soul seemed flying to her as it escaped out of its prison The breathing was interrupted she heard distinctly the last sigh—and lifting up to Heaven her eyes Father receive his spirit she calmly cried
The attendants gathered round she moved not nor heard the clamor the hand seemed yet to press hers it still was warm A ray of light from an opened window discovered the pale face
She left the room and retired to one very near it and sitting down on the floor fixed her eyes on the door of the apartment which contained the body Every event of her life rushed across her mind with wonderful rapidity—yet all was still—fate had given the finishing stroke She sat till midnight—Then rose in a phrensy went into the apartment and desired those who watched the body to retire
She knelt by the bed side—an enthusiastic devotion overcame the dictates of despair—She prayed most ardently to be supported and dedicated herself to the service of that Being into whose hands she had committed the spirit she almost adored—again—and again—she prayed wildly—and fervently—but attempting to touch the lifeless hand—her head swum—she sunk—
CHAP XXX
Three months after her only friend the mother of her lost Henry began to be alarmed at observing her altered appearance and made her own health a pretext for travelling These complaints roused Mary out of her torpid state she imagined a new duty now forced her to exert herself—a duty love made sacred—
They went to Bath from that to Bristol but the latter place they quickly left the sight of the sick that resort there they neither of them could bear From Bristol they flew to Southampton The road was pleasant—yet Mary shut her eyes—or if they were open green fields and commons passed in quick succession and left no more traces behind than if they had been waves of the sea
Some time after they were settled at Southampton they met the man who took so much notice of Mary soon after her return to England He renewed his acquaintance he was really interested in her fate as he had heard her uncommon story besides he knew her husband knew him to be a goodnatured weak man He saw him soon after his arrival in his native country and prevented his hastening to enquire into the reasons of Marys strange conduct He desired him not to be too precipitate if he ever wished to possess an invaluable treasure He was guided by him and allowed him to follow Mary to Southampton and speak first to her friend
This friend determined to trust to her native strength of mind and informed her of the circumstance but she overrated it Mary was not able for a few days after the intelligence to fix on the mode of conduct she ought now to pursue But at last she conquered her disgust and wrote her husband an account of what had passed since she had dropped his correspondence
He came in person to answer the letter Mary fainted when he approached her unexpectedly Her disgust returned with additional force in spite of previous reasonings whenever he appeared yet she was prevailed on to promise to live with him if he would permit her to pass one year travelling from place to place he was not to accompany her
The time too quickly elapsed and she gave him her hand—the struggle was almost more than she could endure She tried to appear calm time mellowed her grief and mitigated her torments but when her husband would take her hand or mention any thing like love she would instantly feel a sickness a faintness at her heart and wish involuntarily that the earth would open and swallow her
CHAP XXXI
Mary visited the continent and sought health in different climates but her nerves were not to be restored to their former state She then retired to her house in the country established manufactories threw the estate into small farms and continually employed herself this way to dissipate care and banish unavailing regret She visited the sick supported the old and educated the young
These occupations engrossed her mind but there were hours when all her former woes would return and haunt her—Whenever she did or said any thing she thought Henry would have approved of—she could not avoid thinking with anguish of the rapture his approbation ever conveyed to her heart—a heart in which there was a void that even benevolence and religion could not fill The latter taught her to struggle for resignation and the former rendered life supportable
Her delicate state of health did not promise long life In moments of solitary sadness a gleam of joy would dart across her mind—She thought she was hastening to that world where there is neither marrying nor giving in marriage