Tobias Smollet
The Expedition of Humphry Clinker
Volume I
To Mr Henry Davis Bookseller in London
Abergavenny Aug 4
Respected Sir
I have received your esteemed favour of the 13th ultimo whereby it
appeareth that you have perused those same Letters the which were delivered
unto you by my friend the reverend Mr Hugo Behn and I am pleased to find you
think they may be printed with a good prospect of success in as much as the
objections you mention I humbly conceive are such as may be redargued if not
entirely removed And first in the first place as touching what prosecutions
may arise from printing the private correspondence of persons still living give
me leave with all due submission to observe that the Letters in question were
not written and sent under the seal of secrecy that they have no tendency to
the mala fama or prejudice of any person whatsoever but rather to the
information and edification of mankind so that it becometh a sort of duty to
promulgate them in usum publicum Besides I have consulted Mr Davy Higgins an
eminent attorney of this place who after due inspection and consideration
declareth That he doth not think the said Letters contain any matter which will
be held actionable in the eye of the law Finally if you and I should come to a
right understanding I do declare in verbo sacerdotis that in case of any such
prosecution I will take the whole upon my own shoulders even quoad fine and
imprisonment though I must confess I should not care to undergo flagellation
Tam ad turpitudinem quam ad amaritudinem pæna spectans Secondly concerning
the personal resentment of Mr Justice Lismahago I may say non flocci facio
I would not willingly vilipend any Christian if peradventure he deserveth
that epithet albeit I am much surprised that more care is not taken to exclude
from the commission all such vagrant foreigners as may be justly suspected of
disaffection to our happy constitution in church and state God forbid that I
should be so uncharitable as to affirm positively that the said Lismahago is
no better than a Jesuit in disguise but this I will assert and maintain totis
viribus that from the day he qualified he has never been once seen intra
templi parietes that is to say within the parish church Thirdly with respect
to what passed at Mr Kendals table when the said Lismahago was so brutal in
his reprehensions I must inform you my good sir that I was obliged to retire
not by fear arising from his minatory reproaches which as I said above I
value not of a rush but from the sudden effect produced by a barbels row
which I had eaten at dinner not knowing that the said row is at certain
seasons violently cathartic as Galen observeth in his chapter peri ixtys
Fourthly and lastly with reference to the manner in which I got possession
of these Letters it is a circumstance that concerns my own conscience only
sufficeth it to say I have fully satisfied the parties in whose custody they
were and by this time I hope I have also satisfied you in such ways that the
last hand may be put to our agreement and the work proceed with all conve nient
expedition in which hope I rest
respected sir
your very humble servant
JONATHAN DUSTWICH
PS I propose Deo volente to have the pleasure of seeing you in the great
city towards Allhallowtide when I shall be glad to treat with you concerning
a parcel of MS sermons of a certain clergyman deceased a cake of the right
leaven for the present taste of the public Verbum sapienti etc
J D
To the Revd Mr Jonathan Dustwich at
Sir
I received yours in course of post and shall be glad to treat with you for
the MS which I have delivered to your friend Mr Behn but can by no means
comply with the terms proposed Those things are so uncertain Writing is all a
lottery I have been a loser by the works of the greatest men of the age I
could mention particulars and name names but dont chuse it The taste of the
town is so changeable Then there have been so many letters upon travels lately
published What between Smolletts Sharps Derricks Thicknesss
Baltimores and Barettis together with Shandys Sentimental Travels the
public seems to be cloyed with that kind of entertainment Nevertheless I
will if you please run the risque of printing and publishing and you shall
have half the profits of the impression You need not take the trouble to bring
up your sermons on my account No body reads sermons but Methodists and
Dissenters Besides for my own part I am quite a stranger to that sort of
reading and the two persons whose judgment I depended upon in these matters
are out of the way one is gone abroad carpenter of a man of war and the other
has been silly enough to abscond in order to avoid a prosecution for blasphemy
Im a great loser by his going off He has left a manual of devotion half
finished on my hands after having received money for the whole copy He was
the soundest divine and had the most orthodox pen of all my people and I never
knew his judgment fail but in flying from his bread and butter on this
occasion
By owning you was not put in bodily fear by Lismahago you preclude yourself
from the benefit of a good plea over and above the advantage of binding him
over In the late war I inserted in my evening paper a paragraph that came by
the post reflecting upon the behaviour of a certain regiment in battle An
officer of said regiment came to my shop and in the presence of my wife and
journeyman threatened to cut off my ears As I exhibited marks of bodily fear
more ways than one to the conviction of the byestanders I bound him over my
action lay and I recovered As for flagellation you have nothing to fear and
nothing to hope on that head There has been but one printer flogged at the
carts tail these thirty years that was Charles Watson and he assured me it
was no more than a fleabite C S has been threatened several times by the
House of L but it came to nothing If an information should be moved for and
granted against you as the editor of those Letters I hope you will have
honesty and wit enough to appear and take your trial If you should be
sentenced to the pillory your fortune is made As times go thats a sure step
to honour and preferment I shall think myself happy if I can lend you a lift
and am very sincerely
Yours
HENRY DAVIS
London Aug 10th
Please my kind service to your neighbour my cousin Madoc I have sent an
Almanack and Courtkalendar directed for him at Mr Suttons bookseller in
Gloucester carriage paid which he will please to accept as a small token of my
regard My wife who is very fond of toasted cheese presents her compliments to
him and begs to know if theres any of that kind which he was so good as to
send us last Christmas to be sold in London
H D
To Dr Lewis
Doctor
The pills are good for nothing I might as well swallow snowballs to cool
my reins I have told you over and over how hard I am to move and at this
time of day I ought to know something of my own constitution Why will you be
so positive Prithee send me another prescription I am as lame and as much
tortured in all my limbs as if I was broke upon the wheel indeed I am equally
distressed in mind and body As if I had not plagues enough of my own those
children of my sister are left me for a perpetual source of vexation what
business have people to get children to plague their neighbours A ridiculous
incident that happened yesterday to my niece Liddy has disordered me in such a
manner that I expect to be laid up with another fit of the gout perhaps I
may explain myself in my next I shall set out tomorrow morning for the Hot
Well at Bristol where I am afraid I shall stay longer than I could wish On the
receipt of this send Williams thither with my saddlehorse and the demi pique
Tell Barns to thresh out the two old ricks and send the corn to market and
sell it off to the poor at a shilling a bushel under market price I have
received a sniveling letter from Griffin offering to make a public submission
and pay costs I want none of his submissions neither will I pocket any of his
money The fellow is a bad neighbour and I desire to have nothing to do with
him but as he is purseproud he shall pay for his insolence let him give five
pounds to the poor of the parish and Ill withdraw my action and in the mean
time you may tell Prig to stop proceedings Let Morgans widow have the
Alderney cow and forty shillings to clothe her children but dont say a
syllable of the matter to any living soul Ill make her pay when she is able
I desire you will lock up all my drawers and keep the keys till meeting and be
sure you take the iron chest with my papers into your own custody Forgive all
this trouble from
Dear Lewis
Your affectionate
M BRAMBLE
Gloucester April 2
To Mrs Gwyllim housekeeper at Brambletonhall
Mrs Gwyllim
When this cums to hand be sure to pack up in the trunk male that stands in
my closet to be sent me in the Bristol waggon without loss of time the
following articles viz my rose collard neglejay with green robins my yellow
damask and my black velvet suit with the short hoop my bloo quilted petticot
my green manteel my laced apron my French commode Macklin head and lappets
and the litel box with my jowls Williams may bring over my bumdaffee and the
viol with the easings of Dr Hills dockwater and Chowders lacksitif The
poor creature has been terribly constuprated ever since we left huom Pray take
particular care of the house while the family is absent Let there be a fire
constantly kept in my brothers chamber and mine The maids having nothing to
do may be sat a spinning I desire youll clap a padluck on the windseller
and let none of the men have excess to the strong bear dont forget to have
the gate shit every evening before dark The gardnir and the hind may lie
below in the landry to partake the house with the blunderbuss and the great
dog and I hope youll have a watchfull eye over the maids I know that hussy
Mary Jones loves to be rumping with the men Let me know if Alderneys calf be
sould yet and what he fought if the ould goose be sitting and if the cobler
has cut Dicky and how the pore anemil bore the operation No more at
present but rests
Yours
TABITHA BRAMBLE
Glostar April 2
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Molly
Heaving this importunity I send my love to you and Saul being in good
health and hoping to hear the same from you and that you and Saul will take my
poor kitten to bed with you this cold weather We have been all in a sad
taking here at Glostar Miss Liddy had like to have run away with a playerman
and young master and he would adone themselves a mischief but the squire
applied to the mare and they were bound over Mistress bid me not speak a
word of the matter to any Christian soul no more I shall for we servints
should see all and say nothing But what was worse than all this Chowder has
had the misfortune to be worried by a butchers dog and came home in a terrible
pickle Mistriss was taken with the asterisks but they soon went off The
docter was sent for to Chowder and he subscribed a repository which did him
great service thank God hes now in a fair way to do well pray take care of
my box and the pillyber and put them under your own bed for I do suppose
madam Gwyllim will be a prying into my secrets now my back is turned John
Thomas is in good health but sulky The squire gave away an ould coat to a poor
man and John says as how tis robbing him of his parquisites I told him by
his agreement he was to receive no vails but he says as how theres a
difference betwixt vails and parquisites and so there is for sartain We are
all going to the Hot Well where I shall drink your health in a glass of water
being
Dear Molly
Your humble servant to command
WM JENKINS
Glostar April 2d
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
As I have nothing more at heart than to convince you I am incapable of
forgetting or neglecting the friendship I made at college I now begin that
correspondence by letters which you and I agreed at parting to cultivate I
begin it sooner than I intended that you may have it in your power to refute
any idle reports which may be circulated to my prejudice at Oxford touching a
foolish quarrel in which I have been involved on account of my sister who had
been some time settled here in a boardingschool When I came hither with my
uncle and aunt who are our guardians to fetch her away I found her a fine
tall girl of seventeen with an agreeable person but remarkably simple and
quite ignorant of the world This disposition and want of experience had
exposed her to the addresses of a person I know not what to call him who had
seen her at a play and with a confidence and dexterity peculiar to himself
found means to be recommended to her acquaintance It was by the greatest
accident I intercepted one of his letters as it was my duty to stifle this
correspondence in its birth I made it my business to find him out and tell him
very freely my sentiments of the matter The spark did not like the stile I
used and behaved with abundance of mettle Though his rank in life which by
the bye I am ashamed to declare did not entitle him to much deference yet as
his behaviour was remarkably spirited I admitted him to the privilege of a
gentleman and something might have happened had not we been prevented In
short the business took air I know not how and made abundance of noise
recourse was had to justice I was obliged to give my word and honour etc and
tomorrow morning we set out for Bristol Wells where I expect to hear from you
by the return of the post I have got into a family of originals whom I may
one day attempt to describe for your amusement My aunt Mrs Tabitha Bramble
is a maiden of fortyfive exceedingly starched vain and ridiculous My
uncle is an odd kind of humorist always on the fret and so unpleasant in his
manner that rather than be obliged to keep him company Id resign all claim to
the inheritance of his estate Indeed his being tortured by the gout may have
soured his temper and perhaps I may like him better on further acquaintance
certain it is all his servants and neighbours in the country are fond of him
even to a degree of enthusiasm the reason of which I cannot as yet comprehend
Remember me to Griffy Price Gwyn Mansel Basset and all the rest of my old
Cambrian companions Salute the bedmaker in my name give my service to the
cook and pray take care of poor Ponto for the sake of his old master who is
and ever will be
Dear Phillips
Your affectionate friend
and humble servant
JER MELFORD
Gloucester April 2
To Mrs Jermyn at her house in Gloucester
Dear Madam
Having no mother of my own I hope you will give me leave to disburthen my
poor heart to you who have always acted the part of a kind parent to me ever
since I was put under your care Indeed and indeed my worthy governess may
believe me when I assure her that I never harboured a thought that was
otherwise than virtuous and if God will give me grace I shall never behave so
as to cast a reflection on the care you have taken in my education I confess I
have given just cause of offence by my want of prudence and experience I ought
not to have listened to what the young man said and it was my duty to have told
you all that passed but I was ashamed to mention it and then he behaved so
modest and respectful and seemed to be so melancholy and timorous that I could
not find in my heart to do any thing that should make him miserable and
desperate As for familiarities I do declare I never once allowed him the
favour of a salute and as to the few letters that passed between us they are
all in my uncles hands and I hope they contain nothing contrary to innocence
and honour I am still persuaded that he is not what he appears to be but
time will discover mean while I will endeavour to forget a connexion which is
so displeasing to my family I have cried without ceasing and have not tasted
any thing but tea since I was hurried away from you nor did I once close my
eyes for three nights running My aunt continues to chide me severely when we
are by ourselves but I hope to soften her in time by humility and submission
My uncle who was so dreadfully passionate in the beginning has been moved by
my tears and distress and is now all tenderness and compassion and my brother
is reconciled to me on my promise to break off all correspondence with that
unfortunate youth but notwithstanding all their indulgence I shall have no
peace of mind till I know my dear and ever honoured governess has forgiven her
poor disconsolate forlorn
Affectionate humble servant
till death
LYDIA MELFORD
Clifton April 6
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My Dearest Letty
I am in such a fright lest this should not come safe to hand by the
conveyance of Jarvis the carrier that I beg you will write me on the receipt
of it directing to me under cover to Mrs Winifred Jenkins my aunts maid
who is a good girl and has been so kind to me in my affliction that I have
made her my confidant as for Jarvis he was very shy of taking charge of my
letter and the little parcel because his sister Sally had like to have lost her
place on my account indeed I cannot blame the man for his caution but I have
made it worth his while My dear companion and bedfellow it is a grievous
addition to my other misfortunes that I am deprived of your agreeable company
and conversation at a time when I need so much the comfort of your good humour
and good sense but I hope the friendship we contracted at boardingschool
will last for life I doubt not but on my side it will daily increase and
improve as I gain experience and learn to know the value of a true friend
O my dear Letty what shall I say about poor Mr Wilson I have promised to
break off all correspondence and if possible to forget him but alas I
begin to perceive that will not be in my power As it is by no means proper that
the picture should remain in my hands lest it should be the occasion of more
mischief I have sent it to you by this opportunity begging you will either
keep it safe till better times or return it to Mr Wilson himself who I
suppose will make it his business to see you at the usual place If he should
be lowspirited at my sending back his picture you may tell him I have no
occasion for a picture while the original continues engraved on my But no I
would not have you tell him that neither because there must be an end of our
correspondence I wish he may forget me for the sake of his own peace and yet
if he should he must be a barbarous But tis impossible poor Wilson cannot
be false and inconstant I beseech him not to write to me nor attempt to see me
for some time for considering the resentment and passionate temper of my
brother Jery such an attempt might be attended with consequences which would
make us all miserable for life let us trust to time and the chapter of
accidents or rather to that Providence which will not fail sooner or later to
reward those that walk in the paths of honour and virtue I would offer my
love to the young ladies but it is not fit that any of them should know you
have received this letter If we go to Bath I shall send you my simple
remarks upon that famous center of polite amusement and every other place we
may chance to visit and I flatter myself that my dear Miss Willis will be
punctual in answering the letters of her affectionate
LYDIA MELFORD
Clifton April 6
To Dr Lewis
Dear Lewis
I have followed your directions with some success and might have been upon
my legs by this time had the weather permitted me to use my saddle horse I
rode out upon the Downs last Tuesday in the forenoon when the sky as far as
the visible horizon was without a cloud but before I had gone a full mile I
was overtaken instantaneously by a storm of rain that wet me to the skin in
three minutes whence it came the devil knows but it has laid me up I
suppose for one fortnight It makes me sick to hear people talk of the fine air
upon CliftonDowns how can the air be either agreeable or salutary where the
dæmon of vapours descends in a perpetual drizzle My confinement is the more
intolerable as I am surrounded with domestic vexations My niece has had a
dangerous fit of illness occasioned by that cursed incident at Gloucester
which I mentioned in my last She is a poor goodnatured simpleton as soft as
butter and as easily melted not that shes a fool the girls parts are not
despicable and her education has not been neglected that is to say she can
write and spell and speak French and play upon the harpsichord then she
dances finely has a good figure and is very well inclined but shes
deficient in spirit and so susceptible and so tender forsooth truly she
has got a languishing eye and reads romances Then theres her brother
squire Jery a pert jackanapes full of collegepetulance and selfconceit
proud as a German count and as hot and hasty as a Welch mountaineer As for
that fantastical animal my sister Tabby you are no stranger to her
qualifications I vow to God she is sometimes so intolerable that I almost
think shes the devil incarnate come to torment me for my sins and yet I am
conscious of no sins that ought to entail such familyplagues upon me why the
devil should not I shake off these torments at once I ant married to Tabby
thank Heaven nor did I beget the other two let them choose another guardian
for my part I ant in a condition to take care of myself much less to
superintend the conduct of giddyheaded boys and girls You earnestly desire to
know the particulars of our adventure at Gloucester which are briefly these
and I hope they will go no further Liddy had been so long cooped up in a
boardingschool which next to a nunnery is the worst kind of seminary that
ever was contrived for young women that she became as inflammable as
touchwood and going to a play in holidaytime sdeath Im ashamed to tell
you she fell in love with one of the actors a handsome young fellow that goes
by the name of Wilson The rascal soon perceived the impression he had made and
managed matters so as to see her at a house where she went to drink tea with her
governess This was the beginning of a correspondence which they kept up by
means of a jade of a milliner who made and dressed caps for the girls at the
boardingschool When we arrived at Gloucester Liddy came to stay at lodgings
with her aunt and Wilson bribed the maid to deliver a letter into her own
hands but it seems Jery had already acquired so much credit with the maid by
what means he best knows that she carried the letter to him and so the whole
plot was discovered The rash boy without saying a word of the matter to me
went immediately in search of Wilson and I suppose treated him with insolence
enough The theatrical hero was too far gone in romance to brook such usage he
replied in blank verse and a formal challenge ensued They agreed to meet early
next morning and decide the dispute with sword and pistol I heard nothing at
all of the affair till Mr Morley came to my bedside in the morning and told
me he was afraid my nephew was going to fight as he had been overheard talking
very loud and vehement with Wilson at the young mans lodgings the night before
and afterwards went and bought powder and ball at a shop in the neighbourhood I
got up immediately and upon inquiry found he was just gone out I begged Morley
to knock up the mayor that he might interpose as a magistrate and in the mean
time I hobbled after the squire whom I saw at a distance walking at a great
pace towards the city gate in spite of all my efforts I could not come up
till our two combatants had taken their ground and were priming their pistols
An old house luckily screened me from their view so that I rushed upon them at
once before I was perceived They were both confounded and attempted to make
their escape different ways but Morley coming up with constables at that
instant took Wilson into custody and Jery followed him quietly to the mayors
house All this time I was ignorant of what had passed the preceding day and
neither of the parties would discover a tittle of the matter The mayor observed
that it was great presumption in Wilson who was a stroller to proceed to such
extremities with a gentleman of family and fortune and threatened to commit him
on the vagrant act The young fellow bustled up with great spirit declaring
he was a gentleman and would be treated as such but he refused to explain
himself further The master of the company being sent for and examined
touching the said Wilson said the young man had engaged with him at Birmingham
about six months ago but never would take his salary that he had behaved so
well in his private character as to acquire the respect and goodwill of all
his acquaintance and that the public owned his merit as an actor was
altogether extraordinary After all I fancy he will turn out to be a
runaway prentice from London The manager offered to bail him for any sum
provided he would give his word and honour that he would keep the peace but the
young gentleman was on his high ropes and would by no means lay himself under
any restrictions on the other hand Hopefull was equally obstinate till at
length the mayor declared that if they both refused to be bound over he would
immediately commit Wilson as a vagrant to hard labour I own I was much pleased
with Jerys behaviour on this occasion he said that rather than Mr Wilson
should be treated in such an ignominious manner he would give his word and
honour to prosecute the affair no further while they remained at Gloucester
Wilson thanked him for his generous manner of proceeding and was discharged On
our return to our lodgings my nephew explained the whole mystery and I own I
was exceedingly incensed Liddy being questioned on the subject and very
severely reproached by that wildcat my sister Tabby first swooned away then
dissolving in a flood of tears confessed all the particulars of the
correspondence at the same time giving up three letters which was all she had
received from her admirer The last which Jery intercepted I send you
inclosed and when you have read it I dare say you wont wonder at the progress
the writer had made in the heart of a simple girl utterly unacquainted with the
characters of mankind Thinking it was high time to remove her from such a
dangerous connexion I carried her off the very next day to Bristol but the
poor creature was so frightened and fluttered by our threats and
expostulations that she fell sick the fourth day after our arrival at Clifton
and continued so ill for a whole week that her life was despaired of It was
not till yesterday that Dr Rigge declared her out of danger You cannot imagine
what I have suffered partly from the indiscretion of this poor child but much
more from the fear of losing her entirely This air is intolerably cold and the
place quite solitary I never go down to the well without returning
lowspirited for there I meet with half a dozen poor emaciated creatures with
ghostly looks in the last stage of a consumption who have made shift to linger
through the winter like so many exotic plants languishing in a hothouse but
in all appearance will drop into their graves before the sun has warmth enough
to mitigate the rigour of this ungenial spring If you think the Bath water
will be of any service to me I will go thither as soon as my niece can bear the
motion of the coach Tell Barns I am obliged to him for his advice but dont
choose to follow it If Davis voluntarily offers to give up the farm the other
shall have it but I will not begin at this time of day to distress my tenants
because they are unfortunate and cannot make regular payments I wonder that
Barns should think me capable of such oppression As for Higgins the fellow is
a notorious poacher to be sure and an impudent rascal to set his snares in my
own paddock but I suppose he thought he had some right especially in my
absence to partake of what nature seems to have intended for common use you
may threaten him in my name as much as you please and if he repeats the
offence let me know it before you have recourse to justice I know you are a
great sportsman and oblige many of your friends I need not tell you to make
use of my grounds but it may be necessary to hint that Im more afraid of my
fowling piece than of my game When you can spare two or three brace of
partridges send them over by the stage coach and tell Gwyllim that she forgot
to pack up my flannels and wide shoes in the trunkmail I shall trouble you as
usual from time to time till at last I suppose you will be tired of
corresponding with
Your assured friend
M BRAMBLE
Clifton April 17
To Miss Lydia Melford
Miss Willis has pronounced my doom you are going away dear Miss Melford
you are going to be removed I know not whither what shall I do which way
shall I turn for consolation I know not what I say all night long have I been
tossed in a sea of doubts and fears uncertainty and distraction without being
able to connect my thoughts much less to form any consistent plan of conduct
I was even tempted to wish that I had never seen you or that you had been less
amiable or less compassionate to your poor Wilson and yet it would be
detestable ingratitude in me to form such a wish considering how much I am
indebted to your goodness and the ineffable pleasure I have derived from your
indulgence and approbation Good God I never heard your name mentioned without
emotion the most distant prospect of being admitted to your company filled my
whole soul with a kind of pleasing alarm as the time approached my heart beat
with redoubled force and every nerve thrilled with a transport of expectation
but when I found myself actually in your presence when I heard you speak
when I saw you smile when I beheld your charming eyes turned favourably upon
me my breast was filled with such tumults of delight as wholly deprived me of
the power of utterance and wrapt me in a delirium of joy encouraged by your
sweetness of temper and affability I ventured to describe the feelings of my
heart even then you did not check my presumption you pitied my sufferings
and gave me leave to hope you put a favourable perhaps too favourable a
construction on my appearance certain it is I am no player in love I speak
the language of my own heart and have no prompter but nature Yet there is
something in this heart which I have not yet disclosed I flattered myself
But I will not I must not proceed Dear Miss Liddy for Heavens sake
contrive if possible some means of letting me speak to you before you leave
Gloucester otherwise I know not what will But I begin to rave again I will
endeavour to bear this trial with fortitude while I am capable of reflecting
upon your tenderness and truth I surely have no cause to despair yet I am
strangely affected The sun seems to deny me light a cloud hangs over me and
there is a dreadful weight upon my spirits While you stay in this place I
shall continually hover about your lodgings as the parted soul is said to
linger about the grave where its mortal consort lies I know if it is in your
power you will task your humanity your compassion shall I add your
affection in order to assuage the almost intolerable disquiet that torments
the heart of your afflicted
WILSON
Gloucester March 31
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Hotwell April 18
Dear Phillips
I give Mansel credit for his invention in propagating the report that I had
a quarrel with a mountebanks merry Andrew at Gloucester but I have too much
respect for every appendage of wit to quarrel even with the lowest buffoonery
and therefore I hope Mansel and I shall always be good friends I cannot
however approve of his drowning my poor dog Ponto on purpose to convert Ovids
pleonasm into a punning epitaph deerant quoque Littora Ponto for that he
threw him into the Isis when it was so high and impetuous with no other view
than to kill the fleas is an excuse that will not hold water But I leave poor
Ponto to his fate and hope Providence will take care to accommodate Mansel with
a drier death
As there is nothing that can be called company at the Well I am here in a
state of absolute rustication This however gives me leisure to observe the
singularities in my uncles character which seems to have interested your
curiosity The truth is his disposition and mine which like oil and vinegar
repelled one another at first have now begun to mix by dint of being beat up
together I was once apt to believe him a complete Cynic and that nothing but
the necessity of his occasions could compel him to get within the pale of
society I am now of another opinion I think his peevishness arises partly
from bodily pain and partly from a natural excess of mental sensibility for I
suppose the mind as well as the body is in some cases endued with a morbid
excess of sensation
I was tother day much diverted with a conversation that passed in the
Pumproom betwixt him and the famous Dr Ln who is come to ply at the Well
for patients My uncle was complaining of the stink occasioned by the vast
quantity of mud and slime which the river leaves at low ebb under the windows
of the Pumproom He observed that the exhalations arising from such a
nuisance could not but be prejudicial to the weak lungs of many consumptive
patients who came to drink the water The Doctor overhearing this remark made
up to him and assured him he was mistaken He said people in general were so
misled by vulgar prejudices that philosophy was hardly sufficient to undeceive
them Then humming thrice he assumed a most ridiculous solemnity of aspect and
entered into a learned investigation of the nature of stink He observed that
stink or stench meant no more than a strong impression on the olfactory
nerves and might be applied to substances of the most opposite qualities that
in the Dutch language stinken signified the most agreeable perfume as well as
the most fetid odour as appears in Van Vloudels translation of Horace in that
beautiful ode Quis multa gracilis etc The words liquidis perfusus odoribus
he translates van civet amp moschata gestinken that individuals differed toto
cælo in their opinion of smells which indeed was altogether as arbitrary as
the opinion of beauty that the French were pleased with the putrid effluvia of
animal food and so were the Hottentots in Africa and the Savages in Greenland
and that the Negroes on the coast of Senegal would not touch fish till it was
rotten strong presumptions in favour of what is generally called stink as
those nations are in a state of nature undebauched by luxury unseduced by whim
and caprice that he had reason to believe the stercoraceous flavour condemned
by prejudice as a stink was in fact most agreeable to the organs of smelling
for that every person who pretended to nauseate the smell of anothers
excretions snuffed up his own with particular complacency for the truth of
which he appealed to all the ladies and gentlemen then present he said the
inhabitants of Madrid and Edinburgh found particular satisfaction in breathing
their own atmosphere which was always impregnated with stercoraceous effluvia
that the learned Dr B in his treatise on the Four Digestions explains in
what manner the volatile effluvia from the intestines stimulate and promote the
operations of the animal oeconomy he affirmed the last Grand Duke of Tuscany
of the Medicis family who refined upon sensuality with the spirit of a
philosopher was so delighted with that odour that he caused the essence of
ordure to be extracted and used it as the most delicious perfume that he
himself the doctor when he happened to be lowspirited or fatigued with
business found immediate relief and uncommon satisfaction from hanging over the
stale contents of a closestool while his servant stirred it about under his
nose nor was this effect to be wondered at when we consider that this
substance abounds with the selfsame volatile salts that are so greedily smelled
to by the most delicate invalids after they have been extracted and sublimed by
the chemists By this time the company began to hold their noses but the
doctor without taking the least notice of this signal proceeded to shew that
many fetid substances were not only agreeable but salutary such as assafetida
and other medicinal gums resins roots and vegetables over and above burnt
feathers tanpits candlesnuffs etc In short he used many learned arguments
to persuade his audience out of their senses and from stench made a transition
to filth which he affirmed was also a mistaken idea in as much as objects so
called were no other than certain modifications of matter consisting of the
same principles that enter into the composition of all created essences
whatever they may be that in the filthiest production of nature a philosopher
considered nothing but the earth water salt and air of which it was
compounded that for his own part he had no more objection to drinking the
dirtiest ditch water than he had to a glass of water from the Hot Well
provided he was assured there was nothing poisonous in the concrete Then
addressing himself to my uncle »Sir said he you seem to be of a dropsical
habit and probably will soon have a confirmed ascites if I should be present
when you are tapped I will give you a convincing proof of what I assert by
drinking without hesitation the water that comes out of your abdomen« The
ladies made wry faces at this declaration and my uncle changing colour told
him he did not desire any such proof of his philosophy »But I should be glad to
know said he what makes you think I am of a dropsical habit« »Sir I beg
pardon replied the doctor I perceive your ankles are swelled and you seem to
have the facies leucophlegmatica Perhaps indeed your disorder may be
oedematous or gouty or it may be the lues venerea If you have any reason to
flatter yourself it is this last sir I will undertake to cure you with three
small pills even if the disease should have attained its utmost inveteracy
Sir it is an arcanum which I have discovered and prepared with infinite
labour Sir I have lately cured a woman in Bristol a common prostitute
sir who had got all the worst symptoms of the disorder such as nodi tophi
and gummata verrucæ cristæ Galli and a serpiginous eruption or rather a pocky
itch all over her body By that time she had taken the second pill sir by
Heaven she was as smooth as my hand and the third made her as sound and as
fresh as a new born infant« »Sir cried my uncle peevishly I have no reason
to flatter myself that my disorder comes within the efficacy of your nostrum
But this patient you talk of may not be so sound at bottom as you imagine« »I
cant possibly be mistaken rejoined the philosopher for I have had
communication with her three times I always ascertain my cures in that
manner« At this remark all the ladies retired to another corner of the room
and some of them began to spit As to my uncle though he was ruffled at first
by the doctors saying he was dropsical he could not help smiling at this
ridiculous confession and I suppose with a view to punish this original told
him there was a wart upon his nose that looked a little suspicious »I dont
pretend to be a judge of those matters said he but I understand that warts
are often produced by the distemper and that one upon your nose seems to have
taken possession of the very keystone of the bridge which I hope is in no
danger of falling« Ln seemed a little confounded at this remark and assured
him it was nothing but a common excrescence of the cuticula but that the bones
were all sound below for the truth of this assertion he appealed to the touch
desiring he would feel the part My uncle said it was a matter of such delicacy
to meddle with a gentlemans nose that he declined the office upon which the
Doctor turning to me intreated me to do him that favour I complied with his
request and handled it so roughly that he sneezed and the tears ran down his
cheeks to the no small entertainment of the company and particularly of my
uncle who burst out alaughing for the first time since I have been with him
and took notice that the part seemed to be very tender »Sir cried the
Doctor it is naturally a tender part but to remove all possibility of doubt I
will take off the wart this very night«
So saying he bowed with great solemnity all round and retired to his own
lodgings where he applied a caustic to the wart but it spread in such a manner
as to produce a considerable inflammation attended with an enormous swelling
so that when he next appeared his whole face was overshadowed by this tremendous
nozzle and the rueful eagerness with which he explained this unlucky accident
was ludicrous beyond all description I was much pleased with meeting the
original of a character which you and I have often laughed at in description
and what surprizes me very much I find the features in the picture which has
been drawn for him rather softened than overcharged
As I have something else to say and this letter has run to an
unconscionable length I shall now give you a little respite and trouble you
again by the very first post I wish you would take it in your head to retaliate
these double strokes upon
Yours always
J MELFORD
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Hot Well April 20
Dear Knight
I now sit down to execute the threat in the tail of my last The truth is I
am big with the secret and long to be delivered It relates to my guardian
who you know is at present our principal object in view
Tother day I thought I had detected him in such a state of frailty as
would but ill become his years and character There is a decent sort of a woman
not disagreeable in her person that comes to the Well with a poor emaciated
child far gone in a consumption I had caught my uncles eyes several times
directed to this person with a very suspicious expression in them and every
time he saw himself observed he hastily withdrew them with evident marks of
confusion I resolved to watch him more narrowly and saw him speaking to her
privately in a corner of the walk At length going down to the Well one day I
met her half way up the hill to Clifton and could not help suspecting she was
going to our lodgings by appointment as it was about one oclock the hour when
my sister and I are generally at the Pumproom This notion exciting my
curiosity I returned by a back way and got unperceived into my own chamber
which is contiguous to my uncles apartment Sure enough the woman was
introduced but not into his bedchamber he gave her audience in a parlour so
that I was obliged to shift my station to another room where however there
was a small chink in the partition through which I could perceive what passed
My uncle though a little lame rose up when she came in and setting a chair
for her desired she would sit down then he asked if she would take a dish of
chocolate which she declined with much acknowledgment After a short pause he
said in a croaking tone of voice which confounded me not a little »Madam I
am truly concerned for your misfortunes and if this trifle can be of any
service to you I beg you will accept it without ceremony« So saying he put a
bit of paper into her hand which she opening with great trepidation exclaimed
in an extacy »Twenty pounds O sir« and sinking down upon a settee fainted
away Frightened at this fit and I suppose afraid of calling for assistance
lest her situation should give rise to unfavourable conjectures he ran about
the room in distraction making frightful grimaces and at length had
recollection enough to throw a little water in her face by which application
she was brought to herself but then her feeling took another turn She shed a
flood of tears and cried aloud »I know not who you are but sure worthy
sir generous sir the distress of me and my poor dying child Oh if the
widows prayers if the orphans tears of gratitude can ought avail gracious
Providence Blessings shower down eternal blessings « Here she was
interrupted by my uncle who muttered in a voice still more and more discordant
»For Heavens sake be quiet madam consider the people of the house
sdeath cant you « All this time she was struggling to throw herself on her
knees while he seizing her by the wrists endeavoured to seat her upon the
settee saying »Prythee good now hold your tongue « At that instant who
should burst into the room but our aunt Tabby of all antiquated maidens the
most diabolically capricious Ever prying into other peoples affairs she had
seen the woman enter and followed her to the door where she stood listening
but probably could hear nothing distinctly except my uncles last exclamation
at which she bounced into the parlour in a violent rage that dyed the tip of
her nose of a purple hue »Fy upon you Matt cried she what doings are
these to disgrace your own character and disparage your family« Then
snatching the banknote out of the strangers hand she went on »How now
twenty pounds here is temptation with a witness Goodwoman go about your
business Brother brother I know not which most to admire your concupissins
or your extravagance « »Good God exclaimed the poor woman shall a worthy
gentlemans character suffer for an action that does honour to humanity« By
this time uncles indignation was effectually roused His face grew pale his
teeth chattered and his eyes flashed »Sister cried he in a voice like
thunder I vow to God your impertinence is exceedingly provoking« With these
words he took her by the hand and opening the door of communication thrust
her into the chamber where I stood so affected by the scene that the tears ran
down my cheeks Observing these marks of emotion »I dont wonder said she to
see you concerned at the backslidings of so near a relation a man of his years
and infirmities These are fine doings truly This is a rare example set by a
guardian for the benefit of his pupils Monstrous incongrous sophistical«
I thought it was but an act of justice to set her to rights and therefore
explained the mystery But she would not be undeceived »What said she would
you go for to offer for to arguefy me out of my senses Didnt I hear him
whispering to her to hold her tongue Didnt I see her in tears Didnt I see
him struggling to throw her upon the couch O filthy hideous abominable
Child child talk not to me of charity Who gives twenty pounds in charity
But you are a stripling You know nothing of the world Besides charity
begins at home Twenty pounds would buy me a complete suit of flowered silk
trimmings and all « In short I quitted the room my contempt for her and my
respect for her brother being increased in the same proportion I have since
been informed that the person whom my uncle so generously relieved is the
widow of an ensign who has nothing to depend upon but the pension of fifteen
pounds a year The people of the Wellhouse give her an excellent character She
lodges in a garret and works very hard at plainwork to support her daughter
who is dying of a consumption I must own to my shame I feel a strong
inclination to follow my uncles example in relieving this poor widow but
betwixt friends I am afraid of being detected in a weakness that might entail
the ridicule of the company upon
Dear Phillips
yours always
J MELFORD
Direct your next to me at Bath and remember me to all our fellowjesuits
To Dr Lewis
Hot Well April 20
I understand your hint There are mysteries in physick as well as in religion
which we of the profane have no right to investigate A man must not presume to
use his reason unless he has studied the categories and can chop logic by mode
and figure Between friends I think every man of tolerable parts ought at my
time of day to be both physician and lawyer as far as his own constitution and
property are concerned For my own part I have had an hospital these fourteen
years within myself and studied my own case with the most painful attention
consequently may be supposed to know something of the matter although I have
not taken regular courses of physiology et cetera et cetera In short I have
for some time been of opinion no offence dear Doctor that the sum of all
your medical discoveries amounts to this that the more you study the less you
know I have read all that has been written on the Hot Wells and what I can
collect from the whole is that the water contains nothing but a little salt
and calcarious earth mixed in such inconsiderable proportion as can have very
little if any effect on the animal oeconomy This being the case I think the
man deserves to be fitted with a cap and bells who for such a paltry advantage
as this spring affords sacrifices his precious time which might be employed in
taking more effectual remedies and exposes himself to the dirt the stench the
chilling blasts and perpetual rains that render this place to me intolerable
If these waters from a small degree of astringency are of some service in the
diabetes diarrhæa and night sweats when the secretions are too much
encreased must not they do harm in the same proportion where the humours are
obstructed as in the asthma scurvy gout and dropsy Now we talk of the
dropsy here is a strange fantastical oddity one of your brethren who
harrangues every day in the Pumproom as if he was hired to give lectures on
all subjects whatsoever I know not what to make of him Sometimes he makes
shrewd remarks at other times he talks like the greatest simpleton in nature
He has read a great deal but without method or judgment and digested nothing
He believes every thing he has read especially if it has any thing of the
marvelous in it and his conversation is a surprizing hotchpotch of erudition
and extravagance He told me tother day with great confidence that my case
was dropsical or as he called it leucophlegmatic A sure sign that his want
of experience is equal to his presumption for you know there is nothing
analogous to the dropsy in my disorder I wish those impertinent fellows with
their ricketty understandings would keep their advice for those that ask it
Dropsy indeed Sure I have not lived to the age of fiftyfive and had such
experience of my own disorder and consulted you and other eminent physicians
so often and so long to be undeceived by such a But without all doubt the
man is mad and therefore what he says is of no consequence I had yesterday
a visit from Higgins who came hither under the terror of your threats and
brought me in a present a brace of hares which he owned he took in my ground
and I could not persuade the fellow that he did wrong or that I would ever
prosecute him for poaching I must desire you will wink hard at the practices
of this rascallion otherwise I shall be plagued with his presents which cost
me more than they are worth If I could wonder at any thing Fitzowen does I
should be surprized at his assurance in desiring you to solicit my vote for
him at the next election for the county for him who opposed me on the like
occasion with the most illiberal competition You may tell him civilly that I
beg to be excused Direct your next for me at Bath whither I propose to remove
tomorrow not only on my own account but for the sake of my niece Liddy who
is like to relapse The poor creature fell into a fit yesterday while I was
cheapening a pair of spectacles with a Jewpedlar I am afraid there is
something still lurking in that little heart of hers which I hope a change of
objects will remove Let me know what you think of this halfwitted Doctors
impertinent ridiculous and absurd notion of my disorder So far from being
dropsical I am as lank in the belly as a greyhound and by measuring my ancle
with a packthread I find the swelling subsides every day From such doctors
good Lord deliver us I have not yet taken any lodgings in Bath because there
we can be accommodated at a minutes warning and I shall choose for myself I
need not say your directions for drinking and bathing will be agreeable to
Dear Lewis
yours ever
MAT BRAMBLE
PS I forgot to tell you that my right ancle pits a symptom as I take it of
its being oedematous not leucophlegmatic
To Miss Letty Willis at Gloucester
Hot Well April 21
My Dear Letty
I did not intend to trouble you again till we should be settled at Bath
but having the occasion of Jarvis I could not let it slip especially as I have
something extraordinary to communicate O my dear companion What shall I tell
you for several days past there was a Jewlooking man that plied at the Wells
with a box of spectacles and he always eyed me so earnestly that I began to be
very uneasy At last he came to our lodgings at Clifton and lingered about the
door as if he wanted to speak to somebody I was seized with an odd kind of
fluttering and begged Win to throw herself in his way but the poor girl has
weak nerves and was afraid of his beard My uncle having occasion for new
glasses called him up stairs and was trying a pair of spectacles when the
man advancing to me said in a whisper O gracious what dye think he said
»I am Wilson« His features struck me that very moment it was Wilson sure
enough but so disguised that it would have been impossible to know him if my
heart had not assisted in the discovery I was so surprised and so frightened
that I fainted away but soon recovered and found myself supported by him on
the chair while my uncle was running about the room with the spectacles on his
nose calling for help I had no opportunity to speak to him but our looks were
sufficiently expressive He was paid for his glasses and went away Then I told
Win who he was and sent her after him to the Pumproom where she spoke to him
and begged him in my name to withdraw from the place that he might not incur
the suspicion of my uncle or my brother if he did not want to see me die of
terror and vexation The poor youth declared with tears in his eyes that he
had something extraordinary to communicate and asked if she would deliver a
letter to me but this she absolutely refused by my order Finding her
obstinate in her refusal he desired she would tell me that he was no longer a
player but a gentleman in which character he would very soon avow his passion
for me without fear of censure or reproach Nay he even discovered his name
and family which to my great grief the simple girl forgot in the confusion
occasioned by her being seen talking to him by my brother who stopt her on the
road and asked what business she had with that rascally JewShe pretended she
was cheapening a stayhook but was thrown into such a quandary that she forgot
the most material part of the information and when she came home went into an
hysteric fit of laughing This transaction happened three days ago during which
he has not appeared so that I suppose he is gone Dear Letty you see how
Fortune takes pleasure in persecuting your poor friend If you should see him at
Gloucester or if you have seen him and know his real name and family pray
keep me no longer in suspence And yet if he is under no obligation to keep
himself longer concealed and has a real affection for me I should hope he
will in a little time declare himself to my relations Sure if there is
nothing unsuitable in the match they wont be so cruel as to thwart my
inclinations O what happiness would then be my portion I cant help indulging
the thought and pleasing my fancy with such agreeable ideas which after all
perhaps will never be realised But why should I despair who knows what will
happen We set out for Bath tomorrow and I am almost sorry for it as I
begin to be in love with solitude and this is a charming romantic place The
air is so pure the Downs are so agreeable the furze in full blossom the
ground enamelled with daisies and primroses and cowslips all the trees
bursting into leaves and the hedges already clothed with their vernal livery
the mountains covered with flocks of sheep and tender bleating wanton lambkins
playing frisking and skipping from side to side the groves resound with the
notes of blackbird thrush and linnet and all night long sweet Philomel pours
forth her ravishingly delightful song Then for variety we go down to the
nymph of Bristol spring where the company is assembled before dinner so
goodnatured so free so easy and there we drink the water so clear so pure
so mild so charmingly maukish There the sun is so chearful and reviving the
weather so soft the walk so agreeable the prospect so amusing and the ships
and boats going up and down the river close under the windows of the Pumproom
afford such an enchanting variety of moving pictures as require a much abler
pen than mine to describe To make this place a perfect paradise to me nothing
is wanting but an agreeable companion and sincere friend such as my dear miss
Willis hath been and I hope still will be to her ever faithful
LYDIA MELFORD
Direct for me still under cover to Win and Jarvis will take care to convey it
safe Adieu
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Bath April 24
Dear Phillips
You have indeed reason to be surprised that I should have concealed my
correspondence with miss Blackerby from you to whom I disclosed all my other
connexions of that nature but the truth is I never dreamed of any such
commerce till your last informed me that it had produced something which could
not be much longer concealed It is a lucky circumstance however that her
reputation will not suffer any detriment but rather derive advantage from the
discovery which will prove at least that it is not quite so rotten as most
people imagined For my own part I declare to you in all the sincerity of
friendship that far from having any amorous intercourse with the object in
question I never had the least acquaintance with her person but if she is
really in the condition you describe I suspect Mansel to be at the bottom of
the whole His visits to that shrine were no secret and this attachment added
to some good offices which you know he has done me since I left Almamater
give me a right to believe him capable of saddling me with this scandal when my
back was turned Nevertheless if my name can be of any service to him he is
welcome to make use of it and if the woman should be abandoned enough to swear
his bantling to me I must beg the favour of you to compound with the parish I
shall pay the penalty without repining and you will be so good as to draw upon
me immediately for the sum required On this occasion I act by the advice of
my uncle who says I shall have goodluck if I pass through life without being
obliged to make many more compositions of the same kind The old gentleman told
me last night with great goodhumour that betwixt the age of twenty and forty
he had been obliged to provide for nine bastards sworn to him by women whom he
never saw Mr Brambles character which seems to interest you greatly opens
and improves upon me every day His singularities afford a rich mine of
entertainment his understanding so far as I can judge is well cultivated his
observations on life are equally just pertinent and uncommon He affects
misanthropy in order to conceal the sensibility of a heart which is tender
even to a degree of weakness This delicacy of feeling or soreness of the mind
makes him timorous and fearful but then he is afraid of nothing so much as of
dishonour and although he is exceedingly cautious of giving offence he will
fire at the least hint of insolence or illbreeding Respectable as he is
upon the whole I cant help being sometimes diverted by his little distresses
which provoke him to let fly the shafts of his satire keen and penetrating as
the arrows of Teucer Our aunt Tabitha acts upon him as a perpetual
grindstone She is in all respects a striking contrast to her brother But
I reserve her portrait for another occasion
Three days ago we came hither from the Hot Well and took possession of the
first floor of a lodginghouse on the South Parade a situation which my uncle
chose for its being near the Bath and remote from the noise of carriages He
was scarce warm in the lodgings when he called for his night cap his wide
shoes and flannel and declared himself invested with the gout in his right
foot though I believe it had as yet reached no farther than his imagination
It was not long before he had reason to repent his premature declaration for
our aunt Tabitha found means to make such a clamour and confusion before the
flannels could be produced from the trunk that one would have imagined the
house was on fire All this time uncle sat boiling with impatience biting his
fingers throwing up his eyes and muttering ejaculations at length he burst
into a kind of convulsive laugh after which he hummed a song and when the
hurricane was over exclaimed »Blessed be God for all things« This however
was but the beginning of his troubles Mrs Tabithas favourite dog Chowder
having paid his compliments to a female turnspit of his own species in the
kitchen involved himself in a quarrel with no fewer than five rivals who set
upon him at once and drove him up stairs to the diningroom door with hideous
noise there our aunt and her woman taking arms in his defence joined the
concert which became truly diabolical This fray being with difficulty
suppressed by the intervention of our own footman and the cookmaid of the
house the squire had just opened his mouth to expostulate with Tabby when
the townwaits in the passage below struck up their musick if musick it may
be called with such a sudden burst of sound as made him start and stare with
marks of indignation and disquiet He had recollection enough to send his
servant with some money to silence those noisy intruders and they were
immediately dismissed though not without some opposition on the part of
Tabitha who thought it but reasonable that he should have more musick for his
money Scarce had he settled this knotty point when a strange kind of thumping
and bouncing was heard right overhead in the second story so loud and violent
as to shake the whole building I own I was exceedingly provoked at this new
alarm and before my uncle had time to express himself on the subject I ran up
stairs to see what was the matter Finding the roomdoor open I entered
without ceremony and perceived an object which I cannot now recollect without
laughing to excess It was a dancingmaster with his scholar in the act of
teaching The master was blind of one eye and lame of one foot and led about
the room his pupil who seemed to be about the age of threescore stooped
mortally was tall rawboned hardfavoured with a woollen nightcap on his
head and he had stript off his coat that he might be more nimble in his
motions Finding himself intruded upon by a person he did not know he
forthwith girded himself with a long iron sword and advancing to me with a
peremptory air pronounced in a true Hibernian accent »Mister What dye
callum by my saoul and conscience I am very glad to sea you if you are after
coming in the way of friendship and indeed and indeed now I believe you are
my friend sure enough gra though I never had the honour to sea your face
before my dear for becaase you come like a friend without any ceremony at
all at all « I told him the nature of my visit would not admit of ceremony
that I was come to desire he would make less noise as there was a sick
gentleman below whom he had no right to disturb with such preposterous doings
»Why lookye now young gentleman replied this original perhaps upon
another occasion I might shivilly request you to explain the maining of that
hard word prepasterous but theres a time for all things honey « So saying
he passed me with great agility and running down stairs found our footman at
the diningroom door of whom he demanded admittance to pay his respects to the
stranger As the fellow did not think proper to refuse the request of such a
formidable figure he was immediately introduced and addressed himself to my
uncle in these words »Your humble servant good sir Im not so prepasterous
as your son calls it but I know the rules of shivility Im a poor knight of
Ireland my name is sir Ulic Mackilligut of the county of Galway being your
fellowlodger Im come to pay my respects and to welcome you to the South
Parade and to offer my best services to you and your good lady and your
pretty daughter and even to the young gentleman your son though he thinks me a
prepasterous fellow You must know I am to have the honour to open a ball next
door tomorrow with lady Mac Manus and being rusted in my dancing I was
refreshing my memory with a little exercise but if I had known there was a sick
person below by Christ I would have sooner danced a hornpipe upon my own head
than walk the softest minuet over yours« My uncle who was not a little
startled at his first appearance received his compliment with great
complacency insisted upon his being seated thanked him for the honour of his
visit and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a gentleman of his
rank and character Thus tutored I asked pardon of the knight who forthwith
starting up embraced me so close that I could hardly breathe and assured me
he loved me as his own soul At length recollecting his nightcap he pulled it
off in some confusion and with his baldpate uncovered made a thousand
apologies to the ladies as he retired At that instant the Abbey bells began
to ring so loud that we could not hear one another speak and this peal as we
afterwards learned was for the honour of Mr Bullock an eminent cowkeeper of
Tottenham who had just arrived at Bath to drink the waters for indigestion
Mr Bramble had not time to make his remarks upon the agreeable nature of this
serenade before his ears were saluted with another concert that interested him
more nearly Two negroes belonging to a Creole gentleman who lodged in the
same house taking their station at a window in the staircase about ten feet
from our diningroom door began to practise upon the Frenchhorn and being in
the very first rudiments of execution produced such discordant sounds as might
have discomposed the organs of an ass You may guess what effect they had upon
the irritable nerves of uncle who with the most admirable expression of
splenetic surprize in his countenance sent his man to silence those dreadful
blasts and desire the musicians to practise in some other place as they had no
right to stand there and disturb all the lodgers in the house Those sable
performers far from taking the hint and withdrawing treated the messenger
with great insolence bidding him carry his compliments to their master colonel
Rigworm who would give him a proper answer and a good drubbing into the
bargain in the mean time they continued their noise and even endeavoured to
make it more disagreeable laughing between whiles at the thoughts of being
able to torment their betters with impunity Our squire incensed at the
additional insult immediately dispatched the servant with his compliments to
colonel Rigworm requesting that he would order his blacks to be quiet as the
noise they made was altogether intolerable To this message the Creole colonel
replied that his horns had a right to sound on a common staircase that there
they should play for his diversion and that those who did not like the noise
might look for lodgings elsewhere Mr Bramble no sooner received this reply
than his eyes began to glisten his face grew pale and his teeth chattered
After a moments pause he slipt on his shoes without speaking a word or
seeming to feel any further disturbance from the gout in his toes Then
snatching his cane he opened the door and proceeded to the place where the
black trumpeters were posted There without further hesitation he began to
belabour them both and exerted himself with such astonishing vigour and
agility that both their heads and horns were broken in a twinkling and they
ran howling down stairs to their masters parlourdoor The squire following
them half way called aloud that the colonel might hear him »Go rascals and
tell your master what I have done if he thinks himself injured he knows where
to come for satisfaction As for you this is but an earnest of what you shall
receive if ever you presume to blow a horn again here while I stay in the
house« So saying he retired to his apartment in expectation of hearing from
the West Indian but the colonel prudently declined any farther prosecution of
the dispute My sister Liddy was frightened into a fit from which she was no
sooner recovered than Mrs Tabitha began a lecture upon patience which her
brother interrupted with a most significant grin exclaiming »True sister God
increase my patience and your discretion I wonder added he what sort of
sonata we are to expect from this overture in which the devil that presides
over horrid sounds hath given us such variations of discord The trampling of
porters the creaking and crashing of trunks the snarling of curs the scolding
of women the squeaking and squalling of fiddles and hautboys out of tune the
bouncing of the Irish baronet overhead and the bursting belching and
brattling of the French horns in the passage not to mention the harmonious peal
that still thunders from the Abbey steeple succeeding one another without
interruption like the different parts of the same concert have given me such
an idea of what a poor invalid has to expect in this temple dedicated to
Silence and Repose that I shall certainly shift my quarters tomorrow and
endeavour to effectuate my retreat before Sir Ulic opens the ball with my lady
Mac Manus a conjunction that bodes me no good« This intimation was by no means
agreeable to Mrs Tabitha whose ears were not quite so delicate as those of her
brother She said it would be great folly to move from such agreeable lodgings
the moment they were comfortably settled She wondered he should be such an
enemy to musick and mirth She heard no noise but of his own making it was
impossible to manage a family in dumbshew He might harp as long as he pleased
upon her scolding but she never scolded except for his advantage but he would
never be satisfied even thof she should sweat blood and water in his service
I have a great notion that our aunt who is now declining into the most
desperate state of celibacy had formed some design upon the heart of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut which she feared might be frustrated by our abrupt departure from
these lodgings Her brother eyeing her askance »Pardon me sister said he I
should be a savage indeed were I insensible of my own felicity in having such
a mild complaisant goodhumoured and considerate companion and housekeeper
but as I have got a weak head and my sense of hearing is painfully acute
before I have recourse to plugs of wooll and cotton Ill try whether I cant
find another lodging where I shall have more quiet and less musick« He
accordingly dispatched his man upon this service and next day he found a small
house in Milshamstreet which he hires by the week Here at least we enjoy
convenience and quiet within doors as much as Tabbys temper will allow but
the squire still complains of flying pains in the stomach and head for which
he bathes and drinks the waters He is not so bad however but that he goes in
person to the pump the rooms and the coffeehouses where he picks up
continual food for ridicule and satire If I can glean any thing for your
amusement either from his observation or my own you shall have it freely
though I am afraid it will poorly compensate the trouble of reading these
tedious insipid letters of
Dear Phillips
yours always
J MELFORD
To Dr Lewis
Bath April 23
Dear Doctor
If I did not know that the exercise of your profession has habituated you to
the hearing of complaints I should make a conscience of troubling you with my
correspondence which may be truly called the lamentations of Matthew Bramble
Yet I cannot help thinking I have some right to discharge the overflowings of
my spleen upon you whose province it is to remove those disorders that
occasioned it and let me tell you it is no small alleviation of my grievances
that I have a sensible friend to whom I can communicate my crusty humours
which by retention would grow intolerably acrimonious
You must know I find nothing but disappointment at Bath which is so
altered that I can scarce believe it is the same place that I frequented about
thirty years ago Methinks I hear you say »Altered it is without all doubt
but then it is altered for the better a truth which perhaps you would own
without hesitation if you yourself was not altered for the worse« The
reflection may for aught I know be just The inconveniences which I overlooked
in the highday of health will naturally strike with exaggerated impression on
the irritable nerves of an invalid surprised by premature old age and
shattered with longsuffering But I believe you will not deny that this
place which Nature and Providence seem to have intended as a resource from
distemper and disquiet is become the very center of racket and dissipation
Instead of that peace tranquility and ease so necessary to those who labour
under bad health weak nerves and irregular spirits here we have nothing but
noise tumult and hurry with the fatigue and slavery of maintaining a
ceremonial more stiff formal and oppressive than the etiquette of a German
elector A national hospital it may be but one would imagine that none but
lunatics are admitted and truly I will give you leave to call me so if I
stay much longer at Bath But I shall take another opportunity to explain my
sentiments at greater length on this subject I was impatient to see the
boasted improvements in architecture for which the upper parts of the town have
been so much celebrated and tother day I made a circuit of all the new
buildings The Square though irregular is on the whole pretty well laid out
spacious open and airy and in my opinion by far the most wholesome and
agreeable situation in Bath especially the upper side of it but the avenues to
it are mean dirty dangerous and indirect Its communication with the Baths
is through the yard of an inn where the poor trembling valetudinarian is
carried in a chair betwixt the heels of a double row of horses wincing under
the currycombs of grooms and postilions over and above the hazard of being
obstructed or overturned by the carriages which are continually making their
exit or their entrance I suppose after some chairmen shall have been maimed
and a few lives lost by those accidents the corporation will think in earnest
about providing a more safe and commodious passage The Circus is a pretty
bauble contrived for shew and looks like Vespasians amphitheatre turned
outside in If we consider it in point of magnificence the great number of
small doors belonging to the separate houses the inconsiderable height of the
different orders the affected ornaments of the architrave which are both
childish and misplaced and the areas projecting into the street surrounded
with iron rails destroy a good part of its effect upon the eye and perhaps
we shall find it still more defective if we view it in the light of
convenience The figure of each separate dwellinghouse being the segment of a
circle must spoil the symmetry of the rooms by contracting them towards the
street windows and leaving a larger sweep in the space behind If instead of
the areas and iron rails which seem to be of very little use there had been a
corridore with arcades all round as in CoventGarden the appearance of the
whole would have been more magnificent and striking those arcades would have
afforded an agreeable covered walk and sheltered the poor chairmen and their
carriages from the rain which is here almost perpetual At present the chairs
stand soaking in the open street from morning to night till they become so
many boxes of wet leather for the benefit of the gouty and rheumatic who are
transported in them from place to place Indeed this is a shocking inconvenience
that extends over the whole city and I am persuaded it produces infinite
mischief to the delicate and infirm even the close chairs contrived for the
sick by standing in the open air have their frize linings impregnated like so
many spunges with the moisture of the atmosphere and those cases of cold
vapour must give a charming check to the perspiration of a patient piping hot
from the Bath with all his pores wide open
But to return to the Circus it is inconvenient from its situation at so
great a distance from all the markets baths and places of public
entertainment The only entrance to it through Gaystreet is so difficult
steep and slippery that in wet weather it must be exceedingly dangerous
both for those that ride in carriages and those that walk afoot and when the
street is covered with snow as it was for fifteen days successively this very
winter I dont see how any individual could go either up or down without the
most imminent hazard of broken bones In blowing weather I am told most of the
houses in this hill are smothered with smoke forced down the chimneys by the
gusts of wind reverberated from the hill behind which I apprehend likewise
must render the atmosphere here more humid and unwholesome than it is in the
square below for the clouds formed by the constant evaporation from the baths
and rivers in the bottom will in their ascent this way be first attracted and
detained by the hill that rises close behind the Circus and load the air with a
perpetual succession of vapours this point however may be easily ascertained
by means of an hygrometer or a paper of salt of tartar exposed to the action of
the atmosphere The same artist who planned the Circus has likewise projected
a Crescent when that is finished we shall probably have a Star and those who
are living thirty years hence may perhaps see all the signs of the Zodiac
exhibited in architecture at Bath These however fantastical are still designs
that denote some ingenuity and knowledge in the architect but the rage of
building has laid hold on such a number of adventurers that one sees new houses
starting up in every outlet and every corner of Bath contrived without
judgment executed without solidity and stuck together with so little regard
to plan and propriety that the different lines of the new rows and buildings
interfere with and intersect one another in every different angle of
conjunction They look like the wreck of streets and squares disjointed by an
earthquake which hath broken the ground into a variety of holes and hillocks
or as if some Gothic devil had stuffed them altogether in a bag and left them
to stand higgledy piggledy just as chance directed What sort of a monster Bath
will become in a few years with those growing excrescences may be easily
conceived but the want of beauty and proportion is not the worst effect of
these new mansions they are built so slight with the soft crumbling stone
found in this neighbourhood that I should never sleep quietly in one of them
when it blowed as the sailors say a capfull of wind and I am persuaded
that my hind Roger Williams or any man of equal strength would be able to
push his foot through the strongest part of their walls without any great
exertion of his muscles All these absurdities arise from the general tide of
luxury which hath overspread the nation and swept away all even the very
dregs of the people Every upstart of fortune harnessed in the trappings of the
mode presents himself at Bath as in the very focus of observation Clerks and
factors from the East Indies loaded with the spoil of plundered provinces
planters negrodrivers and hucksters from our American plantations enriched
they know not how agents commissaries and contractors who have fattened in
two successive wars on the blood of the nation usurers brokers and jobbers
of every kind men of low birth and no breeding have found themselves suddenly
translated into a state of affluence unknown to former ages and no wonder that
their brains should be intoxicated with pride vanity and presumption Knowing
no other criterion of greatness but the ostentation of wealth they discharge
their affluence without taste or conduct through every channel of the most
absurd extravagance and all of them hurry to Bath because here without any
further qualification they can mingle with the princes and nobles of the land
Even the wives and daughters of low tradesmen who like shovelnosed sharks
prey upon the blubber of those uncouth whales of fortune are infected with the
same rage of displaying their importance and the slightest indisposition serves
them for a pretext to insist upon being conveyed to Bath where they may hobble
countrydances and cotillons among lordlings squires counsellors and clergy
These delicate creatures from Bedfordbury Butcherrow CrutchedFriers and
Botolphlane cannot breathe in the gross air of the Lower Town or conform to
the vulgar rules of a common lodginghouse the husband therefore must provide
an entire house or elegant apartments in the new buildings Such is the
composition of what is called the fashionable company at Bath where a very
inconsiderable proportion of genteel people are lost in a mob of impudent
plebeians who have neither understanding nor judgment nor the least idea of
propriety and decorum and seem to enjoy nothing so much as an opportunity of
insulting their betters
Thus the number of people and the number of houses continue to increase
and this will ever be the case till the streams that swell this irresistible
torrent of folly and extravagance shall either be exhausted or turned into
other channels by incidents and events which I do not pretend to foresee This
I own is a subject on which I cannot write with any degree of patience for the
mob is a monster I never could abide either in its head tail midriff or
members I detest the whole of it as a mass of ignorance presumption malice
and brutality and in this term of reprobation I include without respect of
rank station or quality all those of both sexes who affect its manners and
court its society
But I have written till my fingers are crampt and my nausea begins to
return By your advice I sent to London a few days ago for half a pound of
Gengzeng though I doubt much whether that which comes from America is equally
efficacious with what is brought from the East Indies Some years ago a friend
of mine paid sixteen guineas for two ounces of it and in six months after it
was sold in the same shop for five shillings the pound In short we live in a
vile world of fraud and sophistication so that I know nothing of equal value
with the genuine friendship of a sensible man a rare jewel which I cannot help
thinking myself in possession of while I repeat the old declaration that I am
as usual
Dear Lewis
Your affectionate
M BRAMBLE
After having been agitated in a short hurricane on my first arrival I have
taken a small house in Milshamstreet where I am tolerably well lodged for
five guineas a week I was yesterday at the Pumproom and drank about a pint of
the water which seems to agree with my stomach and tomorrow morning I shall
bathe for the first time so that in a few posts you may expect farther
trouble mean while I am glad to find that the inoculation has succeeded so
well with poor Joyce and that her face will be but little marked If my friend
Sir Thomas was a single man I would not trust such a handsome wench in his
family but as I have recommended her in a particular manner to the protection
of lady G who is one of the best women in the world she may go thither
without hesitation as soon as she is quite recovered and fit for service Let
her mother have money to provide her with necessaries and she may ride behind
her brother on Bucks but you must lay strong injunctions on Jack to take
particular care of the trusty old veteran who has faithfully earned his present
ease by his past services
To Miss Willis at Gloucester
Bath April 26
My Dearest Companion
The pleasure I received from yours which came to hand yesterday is not to
be expressed Love and friendship are without doubt charming passions which
absence serves only to heighten and improve Your kind present of the garnet
bracelets I shall keep as carefully as I preserve my own life and I beg you
will accept in return of my hearthousewife with the tortoiseshell
memorandumbook as a trifling pledge of my unalterable affection
Bath is to me a new world All is gayety goodhumour and diversion The
eye is continually entertained with the splendour of dress and equipage and the
ear with the sound of coaches chaises chairs and other carriages The merry
bells ring round from morn till night Then we are welcomed by the citywaits
in our own lodgings we have musick in the Pumproom every morning cotillons
every forenoon in the rooms balls twice a week and concerts every other
night besides private assemblies and parties without number As soon as we
were settled in lodgings we were visited by the Master of the Ceremonies a
pretty little gentleman so sweet so fine so civil and polite that in our
country he might pass for the prince of Wales then he talks so charmingly both
in verse and prose that you would be delighted to hear him discourse for you
must know he is a great writer and has got five tragedies ready for the stage
He did us the favour to dine with us by my uncles invitation and next day
squired my aunt and me to every part of Bath which to be sure is an earthly
paradise The Square the Circus and the Parades put you in mind of the
sumptuous palaces represented in prints and pictures and the new buildings
such as Princesrow Harlequinsrow Bladudsrow and twenty other rows look
like so many enchanted castles raised on hanging terraces
At eight in the morning we go in dishabille to the Pumproom which is
crowded like a Welsh fair and there you see the highest quality and the lowest
trades folks jostling each other without ceremony hailfellow wellmet The
noise of the musick playing in the gallery the heat and flavour of such a
crowd and the hum and buz of their conversation gave me the headach and
vertigo the first day but afterwards all these things became familiar and
even agreeable Right under the Pumproom windows is the Kings Bath a huge
cistern where you see the patients up to their necks in hot water The ladies
wear jackets and petticoats of brown linen with chip hats in which they fix
their handkerchiefs to wipe the sweat from their faces but truly whether it
is owing to the steam that surrounds them or the heat of the water or the
nature of the dress or to all these causes together they look so flushed and
so frightful that I always turn my eyes another way My aunt who says every
person of fashion should make her appearance in the bath as well as in the
abbey church contrived a cap with cherrycoloured ribbons to suit her
complexion and obliged Win to attend her yesterday morning in the water But
really her eyes were so red that they made mine water as I viewed her from the
Pumproom and as for poor Win who wore a hat trimmed with blue what betwixt
her wan complexion and her fear she looked like the ghost of some pale maiden
who had drowned herself for love When she came out of the bath she took
assafoetida drops and was fluttered all day so that we could hardly keep her
from going into hysterics but her mistress says it will do her good and poor
Win curtsies with the tears in her eyes For my part I content myself with
drinking about half a pint of the water every morning
The pumper with his wife and servant attend within a bar and the glasses
of different sizes stand ranged in order before them so you have nothing to do
but to point at that which you chuse and it is filled immediately hot and
sparkling from the pump It is the only hot water I could ever drink without
being sick Far from having that effect it is rather agreeable to the taste
grateful to the stomach and reviving to the spirits You cannot imagine what
wonderful cures it performs My uncle began with it the other day but he made
wry faces in drinking and Im afraid he will leave it off The first day we
came to Bath he fell into a violent passion beat two blackamoors and I was
afraid he would have fought with their master but the stranger proved a
peaceable man To be sure the gout had got into his head as my aunt observed
but I believe his passion drove it away for he has been remarkably well ever
since It is a thousand pities he should ever be troubled with that ugly
distemper for when he is free from pain he is the besttempered man upon
earth so gentle so generous so charitable that every body loves him and so
good to me in particular that I shall never be able to shew the deep sense I
have of his tenderness and affection
Hard by the Pumproom is a coffeehouse for the ladies but my aunt says
young girls are not admitted inasmuch as the conversation turns upon politics
scandal philosophy and other subjects above our capacity but we are allowed
to accompany them to the booksellers shops which are charming places of resort
where we read novels plays pamphlets and newspapers for so small a
subscription as a crown a quarter and in these offices of intelligence as my
brother calls them all the reports of the day and all the private transactions
of the Bath are first entered and discussed From the booksellers shop we
make a tour through the milliners and toymen and commonly stop at Mr Gills
the pastrycook to take a jelly a tart or a small bason of vermicelli There
is moreover another place of entertainment on the other side of the water
opposite to the Grove to which the company cross over in a boat It is called
Spring Garden a sweet retreat laid out in walks and ponds and parterres of
flowers and there is a longroom for breakfasting and dancing As the situation
is low and damp and the season has been remarkably wet my uncle wont suffer
me to go thither lest I should catch cold but my aunt says it is all a vulgar
prejudice and to be sure a great many gentlemen and ladies of Ireland
frequent the place without seeming to be the worse for it They say dancing at
Spring Gardens when the air is moist is recommended to them as an excellent
cure for the rheumatism I have been twice at the play where notwithstanding
the excellence of the performers the gayety of the company and the decorations
of the theatre which are very fine I could not help reflecting with a sigh
upon our poor homely representations at Gloucester But this in confidence to
my dear Willis You know my heart and will excuse its weakness
After all the great scenes of entertainment at Bath are the two public
rooms where the company meet alternately every evening They are spacious
lofty and when lighted up appear very striking They are generally crowded
with welldressed people who drink tea in separate parties play at cards
walk or sit and chat together just as they are disposed Twice aweek there is
a ball the expence of which is defrayed by a voluntary subscription among the
gentlemen and every subscriber has three tickets I was there Friday last with
my aunt under the care of my brother who is a subscriber and Sir Ulic
Mackilligut recommended his nephew captain O Donaghan to me as a partner but
Jery excused himself by saying I had got the headach and indeed it was
really so though I cant imagine how he knew it The place was so hot and the
smell so different from what we are used to in the country that I was quite
feverish when we came away Aunt says it is the effect of a vulgar constitution
reared among woods and mountains and that as I become accustomed to genteel
company it will wear off Sir Ulic was very complaisant made her a great
many highflown compliments and when we retired handed her with great
ceremony to her chair The captain I believe would have done me the same
favour but my brother seeing him advance took me under his arm and wished
him goodnight The Captain is a pretty man to be sure tall and strait and
well made with lightgrey eyes and a Roman nose but there is a certain
boldness in his look and manner that puts one out of countenance But I am
afraid I have put you out of all patience with this long unconnected scrawl
which I shall therefore conclude with assuring you that neither Bath nor
London nor all the diversions of life shall ever be able to efface the idea of
my dear Letty from the heart of her ever affectionate
LYDIA MELFORD
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Molly Jones
Heaving got a frank I now return your fever which I received by Mr
Higgins at the Hot Well together with the stockings which his wife footed for
me but now they are of no survice No body wears such things in this place O
Molly you that live in the country have no deception of our doings at Bath
Here is such dressing and fidling and dancing and gadding and courting and
plotting O gracious if God had not given me a good stock of discretion what
a power of things might not I reveal consarning old mistress and young
mistress Jews with beards that were no Jews but handsome Christians without
a hair upon their sin strolling with spectacles to get speech of Miss Liddy
But shes a dear sweet soul as innocent as the child unborn She has tould me
all her inward thoughts and disclosed her passion for Mr Wilson and thats
not his name neither and thof he acted among the playermen he is meat for
their masters and she has gien me her yallow trollopea which Mrs Drab the
mantymaker says will look very well when it is scowred and smoaked with silfur
You knows as how yallow fitts my fizzogmony God he knows what havock I shall
make among the mail sex when I make my first appearance in this killing collar
with a full soot of gaze as good as new that I bought last Friday of madam
Friponeau the French mullaner Dear girl I have seen all the fine shews of
Bath the Prades the Squires and the Circlis the Crashit the Hottogon and
Bloody Buildings and Harry Kings row and I have been twice in the Bath with
mistress and nar a smoak upon our backs hussy The first time I was mortally
afraid and flustered all day and afterwards made believe that I had got the
heddick but mistress said if I didnt go I should take a dose of bumtaffy
and so remembring how it worked Mrs Gwyllim a pennorth I chose rather to go
again with her into the Bath and then I met with an axident I dropt my
petticoat and could not get it up from the bottom But what did that signify
they mought laff but they could see nothing for I was up to the sin in water
To be sure it threw me into such a gumbustion that I know not what I said nor
what I did nor how they got me out and rapt me in a blanket Mrs Tabitha
scoulded a little when we got home but she knows as I know whats what Ah
Laud help you There is Sir Yury Micligut of Balnaclinch in the cunty of
Kalloway I took down the name from his gentleman Mr O Frizzle and he has
got an estate of fifteen hundred a year I am sure he is both rich and generous
But you nose Molly I was always famous for keeping secrets and so he was
very safe in trusting me with his flegm for mistress which to be sure is very
honourable for Mr O Frizzle assures me he values not her portion a brass
varthing And indeed whats poor ten thousand pounds to a Baron Knight of his
fortune and truly I told Mr O Frizzle that was all she had to trust to As
for John Thomas hes a morass fellor I vow I thought he would a fit with Mr
O Frizzle because he axed me to dance with him at Spring Garden But God he
knows I have no thoughts eyther of wan or tother
As for house news the worst is Chowder has fallen off greatly from his
stomick He eats nothing but white meats and not much of that and wheezes
and seems to be much bloated The doctors think he is threatened with a dropsy
Parson Marrofat who has got the same disorder finds great benefit from the
waters but Chowder seems to like them no better than the squire and mistress
says if his case dont take a favourable turn she will sartinly carry him to
Aberganny to drink goatswhey To be sure the poor dear honymil is lost for
want of axercise for which reason she intends to give him an airing once aday
upon the Downs in a postchaise I have already made very creditable correxions
in this here place where to be sure we have the very squintasense of satiety
Mrs Patcher my lady Kilmacullocks woman and I are sworn sisters She has
shewn me all her secrets and learned me to wash gaze and refrash rusty siks
and bumbeseens by boiling them with winegar chamberlye and stale beer My
short sack and apron luck as good as new from the shop and my pumpydoor as
fresh as a rose by the help of turtlewater But this is all Greek and Latten
to you Molly If we should come to Abergany youll be within a days ride of
us and then we shall see wan another please God If not remember me in your
prayers as I shall do by you in mine and take care of my kitten and give my
kind sarvice to Sall and this is all at present from your beloved friend and
sarvent
WINIFRED JENKINS
Bath April 26
To Mrs Gwyllim housekeeper at Brambletonhall
I am astonished that Dr Lewis should take upon him to give away Alderney
without my privity and concurrants What signifies my brothers order My
brother is little better than Noncompush He would give away the shirt off his
back and the teeth out of his head nay as for that matter he would have
ruinated the family with his ridiculous charities if it had not been for my
four quarters What between his willfullness and his waste his frumps and his
frenzy I lead the life of an indented slave Alderney gave four gallons aday
ever since the calf was sent to market There is so much milk out of my dairy
and the press must stand still but I wont loose a cheese paring and the milk
shall be made good if the sarvents should go without butter If they must needs
have butter let them make it of sheeps milk but then my wool will suffer for
want of grace so that I must be a looser on all sides Well patience is like
a stout Welsh poney it bears a great deal and trots a great way but it will
tire at the long run Before its long perhaps I may shew Matt that I was not
born to be the household drudge to my dying day Gwyn rites from Crickhowel
that the price of flannel is fallen three an ell and thats another good penny
out of my pocket When I go to market to sell my commodity stinks but when I
want to buy the commonest thing the owner pricks it up under my nose and it
cant be had for love nor money I think everything runs cross at
Brambletonhall You say the gander has broke the eggs which is a phinumenon I
dont understand for when the fox carried off the old goose last year he took
her place and hatched the eggs and partected the goslings like a tender parent
Then you tell me the thunder has soured two barrels of beer in the seller But
how the thunder should get there when the seller was doublelocked I cant
comprehend Howsomever I wont have the beer thrown out till I see it with my
own eyes Perhaps it will recover At least it will serve for vinegar to the
sarvents You may leave off the fires in my brothers chamber and mine as it is
unsartain when we return I hope Gwyllim youll take care there is no waste
and have an eye to the maids and keep them to their spinning I think they may
go very well without beer in hot weather It serves only to inflame the blood
and set them agog after the men Water will make them fair and keep them cool
and tamperit Dont forget to put up in the portmantel that cums with Williams
along with my ridinghabit hat and feather the viol of purl water and the
tincktur for my stomach being as how I am much troubled with flutterencies
This is all at present from
Yours
TABITHA BRAMBLE
Bath April 26
To Dr Lewis
Dear Dick
I have done with the waters therefore your advice comes a day too late I
grant that physick is no mystery of your making I know it is a mystery in its
own nature and like other mysteries requires a strong gulp of faith to make
it go down Two days ago I went into the Kings Bath by the advice of our
friend Ch in order to clear the strainer of the skin for the benefit of a
free perspiration and the first object that saluted my eye was a child full of
scrophulous ulcers carried in the arms of one of the guides under the very
noses of the bathers I was so shocked at the sight that I retired immediately
with indignation and disgust Suppose the matter of those ulcers floating on
the water comes in contact with my skin when the pores are all open I would
ask you what must be the consequence Good Heaven the very thought makes my
blood run cold we know not what sores may be running into the water while we
are bathing and what sort of matter we may thus imbibe the kings evil the
scurvy the cancer and the pox and no doubt the heat will render the virus
the more volatile and penetrating To purify myself from all such contamination
I went to the duke of Kingstons private Bath and there I was almost suffocated
for want of free air the place was so small and the steam so stifling
After all if the intention is no more than to wash the skin I am convinced
that simple element is more effectual than any water impregnated with salt and
iron which being astringent will certainly contract the pores and leave a
kind of crust upon the surface of the body But I am now as much afraid of
drinking as of bathing for after a long conversation with the Doctor about
the construction of the pump and the cistern it is very far from being clear
with me that the patients in the Pumproom dont swallow the scourings of the
bathers I cant help suspecting that there is or may be some regurgitation
from the bath into the cistern of the pump In that case what a delicate
beveridge is every day quaffed by the drinkers medicated with the sweat and
dirt and dandriff and the abominable discharges of various kinds from twenty
different diseased bodies parboiling in the kettle below In order to avoid
this filthy composition I had recourse to the spring that supplies the private
baths on the Abbeygreen but I at once perceived something extraordinary in the
taste and smell and upon inquiry I find that the Roman baths in this quarter
were found covered by an old burying ground belonging to the Abbey thro
which in all probability the water drains in its passage so that as we drink
the decoction of living bodies at the Pumproom we swallow the strainings of
rotten bones and carcasses at the private bath I vow to God the very idea
turns my stomach Determined as I am against any farther use of the Bath
waters this consideration would give me little disturbance if I could find any
thing more pure or less pernicious to quench my thirst but although the
natural springs of excellent water are seen gushing spontaneous on every side
from the hills that surround us the inhabitants in general make use of
wellwater so impregnated with nitre or alum or some other villainous
mineral that it is equally ungrateful to the taste and mischievous to the
constitution It must be owned indeed that here in Milshamstreet we have a
precarious and scanty supply from the hill which is collected in an open bason
in the Circus liable to be defiled with dead dogs cats rats and every
species of nastiness which the rascally populace may throw into it from mere
wantonness and brutality
Well there is no nation that drinks so hoggishly as the English What
passes for wine among us is not the juice of the grape It is an adulterous
mixture brewed up of nauseous ingredients by dunces who are bunglers in the
art of poisonmaking and yet we and our forefathers are and have been
poisoned by this cursed drench without taste or flavour The only genuine and
wholsome beveridge in England is London porter and Dorchester tablebeer but
as for your ale and your gin your cyder and your perry and all the trashy
family of made wines I detest them as infernal compositions contrived for the
destruction of the human species But what have I to do with the human
species except a very few friends I care not if the whole was
Heark ye Lewis my misanthropy increases every day The longer I live I
find the folly and the fraud of mankind grow more and more intolerable I wish
I had not come from Brambletonhall after having lived in solitude so long I
cannot bear the hurry and impertinence of the multitude besides every thing is
sophisticated in these crowded places Snares are laid for our lives in every
thing we eat or drink the very air we breathe is loaded with contagion We
cannot even sleep without risque of infection I say infection This place is
the rendezvous of the diseased You wont deny that many diseases are
infectious even the consumption itself is highly infectious When a person
dies of it in Italy the bed and bedding are destroyed the other furniture is
exposed to the weather and the apartment whitewashed before it is occupied by
any other living soul Youll allow that nothing receives infection sooner or
retains it longer than blankets featherbeds and matrasses Sdeath how do
I know what miserable objects have been stewing in the bed where I now lie I
wonder Dick you did not put me in mind of sending for my own matrasses But
if I had not been an ass I should not have needed a remembrancer There is
always some plaguy reflection that rises up in judgment against me and ruffles
my spirits Therefore let us change the subject
I have other reasons for abridging my stay at Bath You know sister Tabbys
complexion If Mrs Tabitha Bramble had been of any other race I should
certainly have looked upon her as the most But the truth is she has found
means to interest my affection or rather she is beholden to the force of
prejudice commonly called the ties of blood Well this amiable maiden has
actually commenced a flirting correspondence with an Irish baronet of
sixtyfive His name is Sir Ulic Mackilligut He is said to be much out at
elbows and I believe has received false intelligence with respect to her
fortune Be that as it may the connexion is exceedingly ridiculous and begins
already to excite whispers For my part I have no intention to dispute her
freeagency though I shall fall upon some expedient to undeceive her paramour
as to the point which he has principally in view But I dont think her conduct
is a proper example for Liddy who has also attracted the notice of some
coxcombs in the Rooms and Jery tells me he suspects a strapping fellow the
knights nephew of some design upon the girls heart I shall therefore keep
a strict eye over her aunt and her and even shift the scene if I find the
matter grow more serious You perceive what an agreeable task it must be to a
man of my kidney to have the cure of such souls as these But hold you shall
not have another peevish word till the next occasion from
yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Bath April 28
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Knight
I think those people are unreasonable who complain that Bath is a
contracted circle in which the same dull scenes perpetually revolve without
variation I am on the contrary amazed to find so small a place so crowded
with entertainment and variety London itself can hardly exhibit one species of
diversion to which we have not something analogous at Bath over and above
those singular advantages that are peculiar to the place Here for example a
man has daily opportunities of seeing the most remarkable characters of the
community He sees them in their natural attitudes and true colours descended
from their pedestals and divested of their formal draperies undisguised by art
and affectation Here we have ministers of state judges generals bishops
projectors philosophers wits poets players chemists fiddlers and
buffoons If he makes any considerable stay in the place he is sure of meeting
with some particular friend whom he did not expect to see and to me there is
nothing more agreeable than such casual rencounters Another entertainment
peculiar to Bath arises from the general mixture of all degrees assembled in
our public rooms without distinction of rank or fortune This is what my uncle
reprobates as a monstrous jumble of heterogeneous principles a vile mob of
noise and impertinence without decency or subordination But this chaos is to
me a source of infinite amusement
I was extremely diverted last ballnight to see the Master of the
Ceremonies leading with great solemnity to the upper end of the room an
antiquated Abigail dressed in her ladys castclothes whom he I suppose
mistook for some countess just arrived at the Bath The ball was opened by a
Scotch lord with a mulatto heiress from St Christophers and the gay colonel
Tinsel danced all the evening with the daughter of an eminent tinman from the
borough of Southwark Yesterday morning at the Pumproom I saw a
brokenwinded Wapping landlady squeeze through a circle of peers to salute her
brandymerchant who stood by the window propd upon crutches and a paralytic
attorney of Shoelane in shuffling up to the bar kicked the shins of the
chancellor of England while his lordship in a cut bob drank a glass of water
at the pump I cannot account for my being pleased with these incidents any
other way than by saying they are truly ridiculous in their own nature and
serve to heighten the humour in the farce of life which I am determined to
enjoy as long as I can
Those follies that move my uncles spleen excite my laughter He is as
tender as a man without a skin who cannot bear the slightest touch without
flinching What tickles another would give him torment and yet he has what we
may call lucid intervals when he is remarkably facetious Indeed I never knew
a hypochondriac so apt to be infected with goodhumour He is the most risible
misanthrope I ever met with A lucky joke or any ludicrous incident will set
him alaughing immoderately even in one of his most gloomy paroxysms and when
the laugh is over he will curse his own imbecillity In conversing with
strangers he betrays no marks of disquiet He is splenetic with his familiars
only and not even with them while they keep his attention employed but when
his spirits are not exerted externally they seem to recoil and prey upon
himself He has renounced the waters with execration but he begins to find a
more efficacious and certainly a much more palatable remedy in the pleasures
of society He has discovered some old friends among the invalids of Bath and
in particular renewed his acquaintance with the celebrated James Quin who
certainly did not come here to drink water You cannot doubt but that I had the
strongest curiosity to know this original and it was gratified by Mr Bramble
who has had him twice at our house to dinner
So far as I am able to judge Quins character is rather more respectable
than it has been generally represented His bons mots are in every witlings
mouth but many of them have a rank flavour which one would be apt to think was
derived from a natural grossness of idea I suspect however that justice has
not been done the author by the collectors of those Quiniana who have let the
best of them slip through their fingers and only retained such as were suited
to the taste and organs of the multitude How far he may relax in his hours of
jollity I cannot pretend to say but his general conversation is conducted by
the nicest rules of propriety and Mr James Quin is certainly one of the best
bred men in the kingdom He is not only a most agreeable companion but as I am
credibly informed a very honest man highly susceptible of friendship warm
steady and even generous in his attachments disdaining flattery and incapable
of meanness and dissimulation Were I to judge however from Quins eye alone
I should take him to be proud insolent and cruel There is something
remarkably severe and forbidding in his aspect and I have been told he was
ever disposed to insult his inferiors and dependants Perhaps that report has
influenced my opinion of his looks You know we are the fools of prejudice
Howsoever that may be I have as yet seen nothing but his favourable side and
my uncle who frequently confers with him in a corner declares he is one of the
most sensible men he ever knew He seems to have a reciprocal regard for old
Squaretoes whom he calls by the familiar name of Matthew and often reminds of
their old tavernadventures on the other hand Matthews eyes sparkle whenever
Quin makes his appearance Let him be never so jarring and discordant Quin
puts him in tune and like treble and bass in the same concert they make
excellent musick together Tother day the conversation turning upon
Shakespeare I could not help saying with some emotion that I would give an
hundred guineas to see Mr Quin act the part of Falstaff upon which turning to
me with a smile »And I would give a thousand young gentleman said he that I
could gratify your longing« My uncle and he are perfectly agreed in their
estimate of life which Quin says would stink in his nostrils if he did not
steep it in claret
I want to see this phenomenon in his cups and have almost prevailed upon
uncle to give him a small turtle at the Bear In the mean time I must entertain
you with an incident that seems to confirm the judgment of those two cynic
philosophers I took the liberty to differ in opinion from Mr Bramble when he
observed that the mixture of people in the entertainments of this place was
destructive of all order and urbanity that it rendered the plebeians
insufferably arrogant and troublesome and vulgarized the deportment and
sentiments of those who moved in the upper spheres of life He said such a
preposterous coalition would bring us into contempt with all our neighbours and
was worse in fact than debasing the gold coin of the nation I argued on the
contrary that those plebeians who discovered such eagerness to imitate the
dress and equipage of their superiors would likewise in time adopt their
maxims and their manners be polished by their conversation and refined by
their example but when I appealed to Mr Quin and asked if he did not think
that such an unreserved mixture would improve the whole mass »Yes said he
as a plate of marmalade would improve a pan of sirreverence«
I owned I was not much conversant in highlife but I had seen what were
called polite assemblies in London and elsewhere that those of Bath seemed to
be as decent as any and that upon the whole the individuals that composed it
would not be found deficient in good manners and decorum »But let us have
recourse to experience said I Jack Holder who was intended for a parson
has succeeded to an estate of two thousand a year by the death of his elder
brother He is now at the Bath driving about in a phaeton and four with French
horns He has treated with turtle and claret at all the taverns in Bath and
Bristol till his guests are gorged with good chear he has bought a dozen suits
of fine clothes by the advice of the Master of the Ceremonies under whose
tuition he has entered himself he has lost some hundreds at billiards to
sharpers and taken one of the nymphs of Avonstreet into keeping but finding
all these channels insufficient to drain him of his current cash his counsellor
has engaged him to give a general teadrinking tomorrow at Wiltshires room In
order to give it the more eclat every table is to be furnished with sweetmeats
and nosegays which however are not to be touched till notice is given by the
ringing of a bell and then the ladies may help themselves without restriction
This will be no bad way of trying the companys breeding «
»I will abide by that experiment cried my uncle and if I could find a
place to stand secure without the vortex of the tumult which I know will
ensue I would certainly go thither and enjoy the scene« Quin proposed that we
should take our station in the musickgallery and we took his advice Holder
had got thither before us with his horns perdue but we were admitted The
teadrinking passed as usual and the company having risen from the tables were
sauntring in groupes in expectation of the signal for attack when the bell
beginning to ring they flew with eagerness to the desert and the whole place
was instantly in commotion There was nothing but justling scrambling pulling
snatching struggling scolding and screaming The nosegays were torn from one
anothers hands and bosoms the glasses and china went to wreck the tables and
floor were strewed with comfits Some cried some swore and the tropes and
figures of Billingsgate were used without reserve in all their native zest and
flavour nor were those flowers of rhetoric unattended with significant
gesticulation Some snapped their fingers some forked them out some clapped
their hands and some their backsides at length they fairly proceeded to
pulling caps and everything seemed to presage a general battle when Holder
ordered his horns to sound a charge with a view to animate the combatants and
inflame the contest but this manoeuvre produced an effect quite contrary to
what he expected It was a note of reproach that roused them to an immediate
sense of their disgraceful situation They were ashamed of their absurd
deportment and suddenly desisted They gathered up their caps ruffles and
handkerchiefs and great part of them retired in silent mortification
Quin laughed at this adventure but my uncles delicacy was hurt He hung
his head in manifest chagrin and seemed to repine at the triumph of his
judgment Indeed his victory was more complete than he imagined for as we
afterwards learned the two amazons who singularized themselves most in the
action did not come from the purlieus of Puddledock but from the courtly
neighbourhood of St Jamess palace One was a baroness and the other a
wealthy knights dowager My uncle spoke not a word till we had made our
retreat good to the coffeehouse where taking off his hat and wiping his
forehead »I bless God said he that Mrs Tabitha Bramble did not take the
field today« »I would pit her for a cool hundred cried Quin against the best
shakebag of the whole main« The truth is nothing could have kept her at home
but the accident of her having taken physick before she knew the nature of the
entertainment She has been for some days furbishing up an old suit of black
velvet to make her appearance as Sir Ulics partner at the next ball
I have much to say of this amiable kinswoman but she has not been properly
introduced to your acquaintance She is remarkably civil to Mr Quin of whose
sarcastic humour she seems to stand in awe but her caution is no match for her
impertinence »Mr Gwynn said she the other day I was once vastly entertained
with your playing the Ghost of Gimlet at Drurylane when you rose up through
the stage with a white face and red eyes and spoke of quails upon the
frightful porcofine Do pray spout a little the Ghost of Gimlet« »Madam
said Quin with a glance of ineffable disdain the Ghost of Gimlet is laid
never to rise again « Insensible of this check she proceeded »Well to be
sure you looked and talked so like a real ghost and then the cock crowed so
natural I wonder how you could teach him to crow so exact in the very nick of
time but I suppose hes game Ant he game Mr Gwynn« »Dunghill Madam«
»Well dunghill or not dunghill he has got such a clear countertenor that I
wish I had such another at Brambletonhall to wake the maids of a morning Do
you know where I could find one of his brood« »Probably in the workhouse of
St Giless parish madam but I protest I know not his particular mew« My
uncle frying with vexation cried »Good God sister how you talk I have told
you twenty times that this gentlemans name is not Gwynn « »Hoity toity
brother mine she replied no offence I hope Gwynn is an honourable name of
true old British extraction I thought the gentleman had been come of Mrs
Helen Gwynn who was of his own profession and if so be that were the case he
might be of king Charless breed and have royal blood in his veins « »No
madam answered Quin with great solemnity my mother was not a whore of such
distinction True it is I am sometimes tempted to believe myself of royal
descent for my inclinations are often arbitrary If I was an absolute prince
at this instant I believe I should send for the head of your cook in a charger
She has committed felony on the person of that John Dory which is mangled in
a cruel manner and even presented without sauce O tempora O mores«
This goodhumoured sally turned the conversation into a less disagreeable
channel But lest you should think my scribble as tedious as Mrs Tabbys
clack I shall not add another word but that I am as usual
Yours
J MELFORD
Bath April 30
To Dr Lewis
Dear Lewis
I received your bill upon Wiltshire which was punctually honoured but as I
dont choose to keep so much cash by me in a common lodginghouse I have
deposited 250l in the bank of Bath and shall take their bills for it in
London when I leave this place where the season draws to an end You must
know that now being afoot I am resolved to give Liddy a glimpse of London
She is one of the best hearted creatures I ever knew and gains upon my
affection every day As for Tabby I have dropt such hints to the Irish
baronet concerning her fortune as I make no doubt will cool the ardour of
his addresses Then her pride will take the alarm and the rancour of stale
maidenhood being chafed we shall hear nothing but slander and abuse of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut This rupture I foresee will facilitate our departure from Bath
where at present Tabby seems to enjoy herself with peculiar satisfaction For
my part I detest it so much that I should not have been able to stay so long
in the place if I had not discovered some old friends whose conversation
alleviates my disgust Going to the coffeehouse one forenoon I could not help
contemplating the company with equal surprize and compassion We consisted of
thirteen individuals seven lamed by the gout rheumatism or palsy three
maimed by accident and the rest either deaf or blind One hobbled another
hopped a third dragged his legs after him like a wounded snake a fourth
straddled betwixt a pair of long crutches like the mummy of a felon hanging in
chains a fifth was bent into a horizontal position like a mounted telescope
shoved in by a couple of chairmen and a sixth was the bust of a man set
upright in a wheel machine which the waiter moved from place to place
Being struck with some of their faces I consulted the subscriptionbook
and perceiving the names of several old friends began to consider the groupe
with more attention At length I discovered rearadmiral Balderick the
companion of my youth whom I had not seen since he was appointed lieutenant of
the Severn He was metamorphosed into an old man with a wooden leg and a
weatherbeaten face which appeared the more antient from his grey locks that
were truly venerable Sitting down at the table where he was reading a
newspaper I gazed at him for some minutes with a mixture of pleasure and
regret which made my heart gush with tenderness then taking him by the hand
»Ah Sam said I forty years ago I little thought « I was too much moved to
proceed »An old friend sure enough cried he squeezing my hand and
surveying me eagerly thro his glasses I know the looming of the vessel though
she has been hard strained since we parted but I cant heave up the name « The
moment I told him who I was he exclaimed »Ha Matt my old fellow cruizer
still afloat« And starting up hugged me in his arms His transport however
boded me no good for in saluting me he thrust the spring of his spectacles
into my eye and at the same time set his wooden stump upon my gouty toe an
attack that made me shed tears in sad earnest After the hurry of our
recognition was over he pointed out two of our common friends in the room the
bust was what remained of colonel Cockril who had lost the use of his limbs in
making an American campaign and the telescope proved to be my college chum sir
Reginald Bently who with his new title and unexpected inheritance commenced
foxhunter without having served his apprenticeship to the mystery and in
consequence of following the hounds through a river was seized with an
inflammation in his bowels which has contracted him into his present attitude
Our former correspondence was forthwith renewed with the most hearty
expressions of mutual goodwill and as we had met so unexpectedly we agreed to
dine together that very day at the tavern My friend Quin being luckily
unengaged obliged us with his company and truly this was the most happy day
I have passed these twenty years You and I Lewis having been always together
never tasted friendship in this high goût contracted from long absence I
cannot express the half of what I felt at this casual meeting of three or four
companions who had been so long separated and so roughly treated by the storms
of life It was a renovation of youth a kind of resuscitation of the dead that
realized those interesting dreams in which we sometimes retrieve our antient
friends from the grave Perhaps my enjoyment was not the less pleasing for being
mixed with a strain of melancholy produced by the remembrance of past scenes
that conjured up the ideas of some endearing connexions which the hand of Death
has actually dissolved
The spirits and goodhumour of the company seemed to triumph over the wreck
of their constitutions They had even philosophy enough to joke upon their own
calamities such is the power of friendship the sovereign cordial of life I
afterwards found however that they were not without their moments and even
hours of disquiet Each of them apart in succeeding conferences expatiated
upon his own particular grievances and they were all malcontents at bottom
Over and above their personal disasters they thought themselves unfortunate in
the lottery of life Baldrick complained that all the recompence he had
received for his long and hard service was the halfpay of a rearadmiral The
colonel was mortified to see himself overtopped by upstart generals some of
whom he had once commanded and being a man of a liberal turn could ill put up
with a moderate annuity for which he had sold his commission As for the
baronet having run himself considerably in debt on a contested election he
has been obliged to relinquish his seat in parliament and his seat in the
country at the same time and put his estate to nurse but his chagrin which is
the effect of his own misconduct does not affect me half so much as that of the
other two who have acted honourable and distinguished parts on the great
theatre and are now reduced to lead a weary life in this stewpan of idleness
and insignificance They have long left off using the waters after having
experienced their inefficacy The diversions of the place they are not in a
condition to enjoy How then do they make shift to pass their time In the
forenoon they crawl out to the Rooms or the coffeehouse where they take a
hand at whist or descant upon the General Advertiser and their evenings they
murder in private parties among peevish invalids and insipid old women This
is the case with a good number of individuals whom nature seems to have
intended for better purposes
About a dozen years ago many decent families restricted to small fortunes
besides those that came hither on the score of health were tempted to settle at
Bath where they could then live comfortably and even make a genteel
appearance at a small expence but the madness of the times has made the place
too hot for them and they are now obliged to think of other migrations Some
have already fled to the mountains of Wales and others have retired to Exeter
Thither no doubt they will be followed by the flood of luxury and
extravagance which will drive them from place to place to the very Lands End
and there I suppose they will be obliged to ship themselves to some other
country Bath is become a mere sink of profligacy and extortion Every article
of housekeeping is raised to an enormous price a circumstance no longer to be
wondered at when we know that every petty retainer of fortune piques himself
upon keeping a table and thinks tis for the honour of his character to wink at
the knavery of his servants who are in a confederacy with the marketpeople
and of consequence pay whatever they demand Here is now a mushroom of
opulence who pays a cook seventy guineas a week for furnishing him with one
meal a day This portentous frenzy is become so contagious that the very rabble
and refuse of mankind are infected I have known a negrodriver from Jamaica
pay overnight to the master of one of the rooms sixtyfive guineas for tea and
coffee to the company and leave Bath next morning in such obscurity that not
one of his guests had the slightest idea of his person or even made the least
inquiry about his name Incidents of this kind are frequent and every day teems
with fresh absurdities which are too gross to make a thinking man merry But
I feel the spleen creeping on me apace and therefore will indulge you with a
cessation that you may have no unnecessary cause to curse your correspondence
with
Dear Dick
yours ever
MAT BRAMBLE
Bath May 5
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My Dear Letty
I wrote you at great length by the post the twentysixth of last month to
which I refer you for an account of our proceedings at Bath and I expect your
answer with impatience But having this opportunity of a private hand I send
you two dozen of Bath rings six of the best of which I desire you will keep for
yourself and distribute the rest among the young ladies our common friends as
you shall think proper I dont know how you will approve of the mottoes some
of them are not much to my own liking but I was obliged to take such as I could
find ready manufactured I am vexed that neither you nor I have received any
further information of a certain person Sure it cant be wilful neglect O
my dear Willis I begin to be visited by strange fancies and to have some
melancholy doubts which however it would be ungenerous to harbour without
further inquiry My uncle who has made me a present of a very fine set of
garnets talks of treating us with a jaunt to London which you may imagine
will be highly agreeable but I like Bath so well that I hope he wont think of
leaving it till the season is quite over and yet betwixt friends something
has happened to my aunt which will probably shorten our stay in this place
Yesterday in the forenoon she went by herself to a breakfasting in one of
the rooms and in half an hour returned in great agitation having Chowder
along with her in the chair I believe some accident must have happened to that
unlucky animal which is the great source of all her troubles Dear Letty what
a pity it is that a woman of her years and discretion should place her
affection upon such an ugly illconditioned cur that snarls and snaps at every
body I asked John Thomas the footman who attended her what was the matter
and he did nothing but grin A famous dogdoctor was sent for and undertook to
cure the patient provided he might carry him home to his own house but his
mistress would not part with him out of her own sight She ordered the cook to
warm cloths which she applied to his bowels with her own hand She gave up all
thoughts of going to the ball in the evening and when Sir Ulic came to drink
tea refused to be seen so that he went away to look for another partner My
brother Jery whistles and dances My uncle sometimes shrugs up his shoulders
and sometimes bursts out alaughing My aunt sobs and scolds by turns and her
woman Win Jenkins stares and wonders with a foolish face of curiosity and
for my part I am as curious as she but ashamed to ask questions
Perhaps time will discover the mystery for if it was any thing that
happened in the Rooms it cant be long concealed All I know is that last
night at supper miss Bramble spoke very disdainfully of Sir Ulic Mackilligut
and asked her brother if he intended to keep us sweltering all the summer at
Bath »No sister Tabitha said he with an arch smile we shall retreat before
the Dogdays begin though I make no doubt that with a little temperance and
discretion our constitutions might be kept cool enough all the year even at
Bath« As I dont know the meaning of this insinuation I wont pretend to make
any remarks upon it at present hereafter perhaps I may be able to explain it
more to your satisfaction In the mean time I beg you will be punctual in your
correspondence and continue to love your ever faithful
LYDIA MELFORD
Bath May 6
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
So then Mrs Blackerbys affair has proved a false alarm and I have saved my
money I wish however her declaration had not been so premature for though my
being thought capable of making her a mother might have given me some credit
the reputation of an intrigue with such a cracked pitcher does me no honour at
all In my last I told you I had hopes of seeing Quin in his hours of
elevation at the tavern which is the temple of mirth and goodfellowship where
he as priest of Comus utters the inspirations of wit and humour I have had
that satisfaction I have dined with his club at the Three Tuns and had the
honour to sit him out At half an hour past eight in the evening he was carried
home with six good bottles of claret under his belt and it being then Friday
he gave orders that he should not be disturbed till Sunday at noon You must
not imagine that this dose had any other effect upon his conversation but that
of making it more extravagantly entertaining He had lost the use of his limbs
indeed several hours before we parted but he retained all his other faculties
in perfection and as he gave vent to every whimsical idea as it rose I was
really astonished at the brilliancy of his thoughts and the force of his
expression Quin is a real voluptuary in the articles of eating and drinking
and so confirmed an epicure in the common acceptation of the term that he
cannot put up with ordinary fare This is a point of such importance with him
that he always takes upon himself the charge of catering and a man admitted to
his mess is always sure of eating delicate victuals and drinking excellent
wine He owns himself addicted to the delights of the stomach and often jokes
upon his own sensuality but there is nothing selfish in this appetite He
finds that good chear unites good company exhilerates the spirits opens the
heart banishes all restraint from conversation and promotes the happiest
purposes of social life But Mr James Quin is not a subject to be discussed
in the compass of one letter I shall therefore at present leave him to his
repose and call another of a very different complexion
You desire to have further acquaintance with the person of our aunt and
promise yourself much entertainment from her connexion with Sir Ulic
Mackilligut but in this hope you are baulked already that connexion is
dissolved The Irish baronet is an old hound that finding her carrion has
quitted the scent I have already told you that Mrs Tabitha Bramble is a
maiden of fortyfive In her person she is tall rawboned aukward
flatchested and stooping her complexion is sallow and freckled her eyes are
not grey but greenish like those of a cat and generally inflamed her hair is
of a sandy or rather dusty hue her forehead low her nose long sharp and
towards the extremity always red in cool weather her lips skinny her mouth
extensive her teeth straggling and loose of various colours and conformation
and her long neck shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles In her temper she is
proud stiff vain imperious prying malicious greedy and uncharitable In
all likelihood her natural austerity has been soured by disappointment in love
for her long celibacy is by no means owing to her dislike of matrimony on the
contrary she has left no stone unturned to avoid the reproachful epithet of old
maid
Before I was born she had gone such lengths in the way of flirting with a
recruiting officer that her reputation was a little singed She afterwards made
advances to the curate of the parish who dropped some distant hints about the
next presentation to the living which was in her brothers gift but finding
that was already promised to another he flew off at a tangent and Mrs Tabby
in revenge found means to deprive him of his cure Her next lover was
lieutenant of a man of war a relation of the family who did not understand the
refinements of the passion and expressed no aversion to grapple with cousin
Tabby in the way of marriage but before matters could be properly adjusted he
went out on a cruise and was killed in an engagement with a French frigate Our
aunt though baffled so often did not yet despair She layed all her snares
for Dr Lewis who is the fidus Achates of my uncle She even fell sick upon the
occasion and prevailed with Matt to interpose in her behalf with his friend
but the Doctor being a shy cock would not be caught with chaff and flatly
rejected the proposal so that Mrs Tabitha was content to exert her patience
once more after having endeavoured in vain to effect a rupture betwixt the two
friends and now she thinks proper to be very civil to Lewis who is become
necessary to her in the way of his profession
These however are not the only efforts she has made towards a nearer
conjunction with our sex Her fortune was originally no more than a thousand
pounds but she gained an accession of five hundred by the death of a sister
and the lieutenant left her three hundred in his will These sums she has more
than doubled by living free of all expence in her brothers house and dealing
in cheese and Welsh flannel the produce of his flocks and dairy At present her
capital is increased to about four thousand pounds and her avarice seems to
grow every day more and more rapacious but even this is not so intolerable as
the perverseness of her nature which keeps the whole family in disquiet and
uproar She is one of those geniuses who find some diabolical enjoyment in being
dreaded and detested by their fellowcreatures
I once told my uncle I was surprised that a man of his disposition could
bear such a domestic plague when it could be so easily removed The remark
made him sore because it seemed to tax him with want of resolution Wrinkling
up his nose and drawing down his eyebrows »A young fellow said he when he
first thrusts his snout into the world is apt to be surprised at many things
which a man of experience knows to be ordinary and unavoidable This precious
aunt of yours is become insensibly a part of my constitution Damn her Shes a
noli me tangere in my flesh which I cannot bear to be touched or tampered
with« I made no reply but shifted the conversation He really has an affection
for this original which maintains its ground in defiance of common sense and
in despite of that contempt which he must certainly feel for her character and
understanding Nay I am convinced that she has likewise a most virulent
attachment to his person though her love never shews itself but in the shape of
discontent and she persists in tormenting him out of sheer tenderness The
only object within doors upon which she bestows any marks of affection in the
usual stile is her dog Chowder a filthy cur from Newfoundland which she had
in a present from the wife of a skipper in Swansey One would imagine she had
distinguished this beast with her favour on account of his ugliness and
illnature if it was not indeed an instinctive sympathy between his
disposition and her own Certain it is she caresses him without ceasing and
even harrasses the family in the service of this cursed animal which indeed
has proved the proximate cause of her breach with Sir Ulic Mackilligut
You must know she yesterday wanted to steal a march of poor Liddy and went
to breakfast in the Room without any other companion than her dog in
expectation of meeting with the Baronet who had agreed to dance with her in the
evening Chowder no sooner made his appearance in the Room than the Master of
the Ceremonies incensed at his presumption ran up to drive him away and
threatened him with his foot but the other seemed to despise his authority and
displaying a formidable case of long white sharp teeth kept the puny monarch
at bay While he stood under some trepidation fronting his antagonist and
bawling to the waiter Sir Ulic Mackilligut came to his assistance and seeming
ignorant of the connexion between this intruder and his mistress gave the
former such a kick in the jaws as sent him howling to the door Mrs Tabitha
incensed at this outrage ran after him squalling in a tone equally
disagreeable while the Baronet followed her on one side making apologies for
his mistake and Derrick on the other making remonstrances upon the rules and
regulations of the place
Far from being satisfied with the Knights excuses she said she was sure he
was no gentleman and when the Master of the Ceremonies offered to hand her into
the chair she rapped him over the knuckles with her fan My uncles footman
being still at the door she and Chowder got into the same vehicle and were
carried off amidst the jokes of the chairmen and other populace I had been
riding out on Clerkendown and happened to enter just as the fracas was over
The Baronet coming up to me with an affected air of chagrin recounted the
adventure at which I laughed heartily and then his countenance cleared up »My
dear soul said he when I saw a sort of wild baist snarling with open mouth
at the Master of the Ceremonies like the red cow going to devour Tom Thumb I
could do no less than go to the assistance of the little man but I never dreamt
the baist was one of Mrs Brambles attendants O if I had he might have made
his breakfast upon Derrick and wellcome But you know my dear friend how
natural it is for us Irishmen to blunder and to take the wrong sow by the ear
However I will confess judgment and cry her mercy and tis to be hoped a
penitent sinner may be forgiven« I told him that as the offence was not
involuntary of his side it was to be hoped he would not find her implacable
But in truth all this concern was dissembled In his approaches of
gallantry to Mrs Tabitha he had been misled by a mistake of at least six
thousand pounds in the calculation of her fortune and in this particular he
was just undeceived He therefore seized the first opportunity of incurring
her displeasure decently in such a manner as would certainly annihilate the
correspondence and he could not have taken a more effectual method than that
of beating her dog When he presented himself at our door to pay his respects
to the offended fair he was refused admittance and given to understand that
he should never find her at home for the future She was not so inaccessible to
Derrick who came to demand satisfaction for the insult she had offered to him
even in the verge of his own court She knew it was convenient to be well with
the Master of the Ceremonies while she continued to frequent the Rooms and
having heard he was a poet began to be afraid of making her appearance in a
ballad or lampoon She therefore made excuses for what she had done imputing
it to the flutter of her spirits and subscribed handsomely for his poems so
that he was perfectly appeased and overwhelmed her with a profusion of
compliment He even solicited a reconciliation with Chowder which however the
latter declined and he declared that if he could find a precedent in the
annals of the Bath which he would carefully examine for that purpose her
favourite should be admitted to the next public breakfasting But I believe
she will not expose herself or him to the risque of a second disgrace Who will
supply the place of Mackilligut in her affections I cannot foresee but nothing
in the shape of man can come amiss Though she is a violent churchwoman of the
most intolerant zeal I believe in my conscience she would have no objection at
present to treat on the score of matrimony with an Anabaptist Quaker or Jew
and even ratify the treaty at the expence of her own conversion But perhaps
I think too hardly of this kinswoman who I must own is very little beholden
to the good opinion of
Yours
J MELFORD
Bath May 6
To Dr Lewis
You ask me why I dont take the air ahorseback during this fine weather In
which of the avenues of this paradise would you have me take that exercise
Shall I commit myself to the highroads of London or Bristol to be stifled with
dust or pressed to death in the midst of postchaises flyingmachines
waggons and coalhorses besides the troops of fine gentlemen that take to the
highway to shew their horsemanship and the coaches of fine ladies who go
thither to shew their equipages Shall I attempt the Downs and fatigue myself
to death in climbing up an eternal ascent without any hopes of reaching the
summit Know then I have made divers desperate leaps at those upper regions
but always fell backward into this vapourpit exhausted and dispirited by those
ineffectual efforts and here we poor valetudinarians pant and struggle like so
many Chinese gudgeons gasping in the bottom of a punchbowl By Heaven it is a
kind of inchantment If I do not speedily break the spell and escape I may
chance to give up the ghost in this nauseous stew of corruption It was but two
nights ago that I had like to have made my public exit at a minutes warning
One of my greatest weaknesses is that of suffering myself to be overruled by
the opinion of people whose judgment I despise I own with shame and
confusion of face that importunity of any kind I cannot resist This want of
courage and constancy is an original flaw in my nature which you must have
often observed with compassion if not with contempt I am afraid some of our
boasted virtues may be traced up to this defect
Without further preamble I was persuaded to go to a ball on purpose to see
Liddy dance a minuet with a young petulant jackanapes the only son of a wealthy
undertaker from London whose mother lodges in our neighbourhood and has
contracted an acquaintance with Tabby I sat a couple of long hours half
stifled in the midst of a noisome crowd and could not help wondering that so
many hundreds of those that rank as rational creatures could find entertainment
in seeing a succession of insipid animals describing the same dull figure for a
whole evening on an area not much bigger than a taylors shopboard If there
had been any beauty grace activity magnificent dress or variety of any kind
howsoever absurd to engage the attention and amuse the fancy I should not
have been surprised but there was no such object it was a tiresome repetition
of the same languid frivolous scene performed by actors that seemed to sleep
in all their motions The continual swimming of those phantoms before my eves
gave me a swimming of the head which was also affected by the fouled air
circulating through such a number of rotten human bellows I therefore
retreated towards the door and stood in the passage to the next room talking
to my friend Quin when an end being put to the minuets the benches were
removed to make way for the countrydances and the multitude rising at once
the whole atmosphere was put in commotion Then all of a sudden came rushing
upon me an Egyptian gale so impregnated with pestilential vapours that my
nerves were overpowered and I dropt senseless upon the floor
You may easily conceive what a clamour and confusion this accident must have
produced in such an assembly I soon recovered however and found myself in
an easy chair supported by my own people Sister Tabby in her great
tenderness had put me to the torture squeezing my head under her arm and
stuffing my nose with spirit of hartshorn till the whole inside was excoriated
I no sooner got home than I sent for doctor Ch who assured me I needed not
be alarmed for my swooning was entirely occasioned by an accidental impression
of fetid effluvia upon nerves of uncommon sensibility I know not how other
peoples nerves are constructed but one would imagine they must be made of very
coarse materials to stand the shock of such a horrid assault It was indeed a
compound of villainous smells in which the most violent stinks and the most
powerful perfumes contended for the mastery Imagine to yourself a high exalted
essence of mingled odours arising from putrid gums imposthumated lungs sour
flatulencies rank armpits sweating feet running sores and issues plasters
ointments and embrocations hungarywater spirit of lavender assafoetida
drops musk hartshorn and sal volatile besides a thousand frowzy steams
which I could not analyse Such O Dick is the fragrant æther we breathe in the
polite assemblies of Bath Such is the atmosphere I have exchanged for the
pure elastic animating air of the Welsh mountains O Rus quando te aspiciam
I wonder what the devil possessed me
But few words are best I have taken my resolution You may well suppose I
dont intend to entertain the company with a second exhibition I have
promised in an evil hour to proceed to London and that promise shall be
performed but my stay in the metropolis shall be brief I have for the benefit
of my health projected an expedition to the North which I hope will afford
some agreeable pastime I have never travelled farther that way than
Scarborough and I think it is a reproach upon me as a British freeholder to
have lived so long without making an excursion to the other side of the Tweed
Besides I have some relations settled in Yorkshire to whom it may not be
improper to introduce my nephew and his sister At present I have nothing to
add but that Tabby is happily disentangled from the Irish Baronet and that I
will not fail to make you acquainted from time to time with the sequel of our
adventures a mark of consideration which perhaps you would willingly
dispense with in
Your humble servant
MATT BRAMBLE
Bath May 8
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
A few days ago we were terribly alarmed by my uncles fainting at the ball
He has been ever since cursing his own folly for going thither at the request
of an impertinent woman He declares he will sooner visit a house infected with
the plague than trust himself in such a nauseous spital for the future for he
swears the accident was occasioned by the stench of the crowd and that he would
never desire a stronger proof of our being made of very gross materials than
our having withstood the annoyance by which he was so much discomposed For my
part I am very thankful for the coarseness of my organs being in no danger of
ever falling a sacrifice to the delicacy of my nose Mr Bramble is
extravagantly delicate in all his sensations both of soul and body I was
informed by Dr Lewis that he once fought a duel with an officer of the
horseguards for turning aside to the Park wall on a necessary occasion when
he was passing with a lady under his protection His blood rises at every
instance of insolence and cruelty even where he himself is no way concerned
and ingratitude makes his teeth chatter On the other hand the recital of a
generous humane or grateful action never fails to draw from him tears of
approbation which he is often greatly distressed to conceal
Yesterday one Paunceford gave tea on particular invitation This man
after having been long buffetted by adversity went abroad and Fortune
resolved to make him amends for her former coyness set him all at once up to
the very ears in affluence He has now emerged from obscurity and blazes out in
all the tinsel of the times I dont find that he is charged with any practices
that the law deems dishonest or that his wealth has made him arrogant and
inaccessible on the contrary he takes great pains to appear affable and
gracious But they say he is remarkable for shrinking from his former
friendships which were generally too plain and homespun to appear amidst his
present brilliant connexions and that he seems uneasy at sight of some old
benefactors whom a man of honour would take pleasure to acknowledge Be that
as it may he had so effectually engaged the company at Bath that when I went
with my uncle to the coffeehouse in the evening there was not a soul in the
room but one person seemingly in years who sat by the fire reading one of the
papers Mr Bramble taking his station close by him »There is such a crowd and
confusion of chairs in the passage to Simpsons said he that we could hardly
get along I wish those minions of fortune would fall upon more laudable ways
of spending their money I suppose sir you like this kind of entertainment
as little as I do« »I cant say I have any great relish for such
entertainments« answered the other without taking his eyes off the paper
»Mr Serle resumed my uncle I beg pardon for interrupting you but I cant
resist the curiosity I have to know if you received a card on this occasion«
The man seemed surprised at this address and made some pause as doubtful
what answer he should make »I know my curiosity is impertinent added my
uncle but I have a particular reason for asking the favour« »If that be the
case replied Mr Serle I shall gratify you without hesitation by owning
that I have had no card But give me leave sir to ask in my turn what reason
you think I have to expect such an invitation from the gentleman who gives tea«
»I have my own reasons cried Mr Bramble with some emotion and am convinced
more than ever that this Paunceford is a contemptible fellow« »Sir said the
other laying down the paper I have not the honour to know you but your
discourse is a little mysterious and seems to require some explanation The
person you are pleased to treat so cavalierly is a gentleman of some
consequence in the community and for aught you know I may also have my
particular reasons for defending his character « »If I was not convinced of the
contrary observed the other I should not have gone so far « »Let me tell
you sir said the stranger raising his voice you have gone too far in
hazarding such reflections «
Here he was interrupted by my uncle who asked peevishly if he was Don
Quixote enough at this time of day to throw down his gauntlet as champion for
a man who had treated him with such ungrateful neglect »For my part added he
I shall never quarrel with you again upon this subject and what I have said
now has been suggested as much by my regard for you as by my contempt of him
« Mr Serle then pulling off his spectacles eyed uncle very earnestly
saying in a mitigated tone »Surely I am much obliged Ah Mr Bramble I now
recollect your features though I have not seen you these many years« »We might
have been less strangers to one another answered the squire if our
correspondence had not been interrupted in consequence of a misunderstanding
occasioned by this very but no matter Mr Serle I esteem your character
and my friendship such as it is you may freely command« »The offer is too
agreeable to be declined said he I embrace it very cordially and as the
first fruits of it request that you will change this subject which with me
is a matter of peculiar delicacy«
My uncle owned he was in the right and the discourse took a more general
turn Mr Serle passed the evening with us at our lodgings and appeared to be
intelligent and even entertaining but his disposition was rather of a
melancholy hue My uncle says he is a man of uncommon parts and unquestioned
probity that his fortune which was originally small has been greatly hurt by
a romantic spirit of generosity which he has often displayed even at the
expence of his discretion in favour of worthless individuals That he had
rescued Paunceford from the lowest distress when he was bankrupt both in means
and reputation That he had espoused his interests with a degree of enthusiasm
broke with several friends and even drawn his sword against my uncle who had
particular reasons for questioning the moral character of the said Paunceford
that without Serles countenance and assistance the other never could have
embraced the opportunity which has raised him to this pinnacle of wealth that
Paunceford in the first transports of his success had written from abroad
letters to different correspondents owning his obligations to Mr Serle in the
warmest terms of acknowledgment and declaring he considered himself only as a
factor for the occasions of his best friend that without doubt he had made
declarations of the same nature to his benefactor himself though this last was
always silent and reserved on the subject but for some years those tropes and
figures of rhetoric had been disused that upon his return to England he had
been lavish in his caresses to Mr Serle invited him to his house and pressed
him to make it his own that he had overwhelmed him with general professions
and affected to express the warmest regard for him in company of their common
acquaintance so that every body believed his gratitude was as liberal as his
fortune and some went so far as to congratulate Mr Serle on both
All this time Paunceford carefully and artfully avoided particular
discussions with his old patron who had too much spirit to drop the most
distant hint of balancing the account of obligation that nevertheless a man
of his feelings could not but resent this shocking return for all his kindness
and therefore he withdrew himself from the connexion without coming to the
least explanation or speaking a syllable on the subject to any living soul so
that now their correspondence is reduced to a slight salute with the hat when
they chance to meet in any public place an accident that rarely happens for
their walks lie different ways Mr Paunceford lives in a palace feeds upon
dainties is arrayed in sumptuous apparel appears in all the pomp of equipage
and passes his time among the nobles of the land Serle lodges in Stallstreet
up two pair of stairs backwards walks a in a Bathrug eats for twelve
shillings aweek and drinks water as a preservative against the gout and gravel
Mark the vicissitude Paunceford once resided in a garret where he subsisted
upon sheepstrotters and cowheel from which commons he was translated to the
table of Serle that ever abounded with goodchear until want of oeconomy and
retention reduced him to a slender annuity in his decline of years that scarce
affords the bare necessaries of life Paunceford however does him the honour
to speak of him still with uncommon regard and to declare what pleasure it
would give him to contribute in any shape to his convenience »But you know he
never fails to add hes a shy kind of a man And then such a perfect
philosopher that he looks upon all superfluities with the most sovereign
contempt«
Having given you this sketch of squire Paunceford I need not make any
comment on his character but leave it at the mercy of your own reflection from
which I dare say it will meet with as little quarter as it has found with
yours always
J MELFORD
Bath May 10
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Molly
We are all upon the ving Hey for London girl Fecks we have been long
enough here for were all turned tipsy turvy Mistress has excarded Sir Ulic
for kicking of Chowder and I have sent O Frizzle away with a flea in his ear
Ive shewn him how little I minded his tinsy and his long tail A fellor who
would think for to go for to offer to take up with a dirty trollop under my
nose I ketched him in the very fect coming out of the housemaids garret
But I have gien the dirty slut a siserary O Molly the sarvants at Bath are
devils in garnet They lite the candle at both ends Heres nothing but
ginketting and wasting and thieving and tricking and trigging and then they
are never content They wont suffer the squire and mistress to stay any
longer because they have been already above three weeks in the house and they
look for a couple of ginneys apiece at our going away and this is a parquisite
they expect every month in the season being as how no family has a right to
stay longer than four weeks in the same lodgings and so the cuck swears she
will pin the dishclout to mistresss tail and the housemaid vows shell put
cowitch in masters bed if so be he dont discamp without furder ado I dont
blame them for making the most of their market in the way of vails and
parquisites and I defy the devil to say I am a tailcarrier or ever brought a
poor sarvant into trouble But then they oft to have some conscience in
vronging those that be sarvants like themselves For you must no Molly I
missed threequarters of blond lace and a remnant of muslin and my silver
thimble which was the gift of true love they were all in my workbasket that
I left upon the table in the sarvantshall when mistresses bell rung but if
they had been under lock and kay twould have been all the same for there are
double keys to all the locks in Bath and they say as how the very teeth ant
safe in your head if you sleep with your mouth open And so says I to myself
them things could not go without hands and so Ill watch their waters and so I
did with a vitness for then it was I found Bett consarned with O Frizzle And
as the cuck had thrown her slush at me because I had taken part with Chowder
when he fit with the turnspit I resolved to make a clear kitchen and throw
some of her fat into the fire I ketched the charewoman going out with her load
in the morning before she thought I was up and brought her to mistress with
her whole cargo Marry what dost think she had got in the name of God Her
buckets were foaming full of our best bear and her lap was stuffed with a cold
tongue part of a buttock of beef half a turkey and a swinging lump of butter
and the matter of ten mould kandles that had scarce ever been lit The cuck
brazened it out and said it was her rite to rummage the pantry and she was
ready for to go before the mare that he had been her potticary many years and
would never think of hurting a poor sarvant for giving away the scraps of the
kitchen I went another way to work with madam Betty because she had been
saucy and called me skandelus names and said O Frizzle couldnt abide me and
twenty other odorous falsehoods I got a varrant from the mare and her box
being sarched by the constable my things came out sure enuff besides a full
pound of vax candles and a nitecap of mistress that I could sware to on my
cruperal oaf O then madam Mopstick came upon her merry bones and as the
squire wouldnt hare of a pursecution she scaped a skewering but the longest
day she has to live shell remember your
humble sarvant
WINIFRED JENKINS
Bath May 15
If the hind should come again before we be gone pray send me the shift and
apron with the vite gallow manky shoes which youll find in my pillober
Sarvice to Saul
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
You are in the right dear Phillips I dont expect regular answers to every
letter I know a collegelife is too circumscribed to afford materials for such
quick returns of communication For my part I am continually shifting the
scene and surrounded with new objects some of which are striking enough I
shall therefore conclude my journal for your amusement and though in all
appearance it will not treat of very important or interesting particulars it
may prove perhaps not altogether uninstructive and unentertaining
The musick and entertainments of Bath are over for this season and all our
gay birds of passage have taken their flight to Bristolwell Tunbridge
Brighthelmstone Scarborough Harrowgate etc Not a soul is seen in this place
but a few brokenwinded parsons waddling like so many crows along the North
Parade There is always a great shew of the clergy at Bath none of your thin
puny yellow hectic figures exhausted with abstinence and hard study
labouring under the morbi eruditorum but great overgrown dignitaries and
rectors with rubicund noses and gouty ancles or broad bloated faces dragging
along great swag bellies the emblems of sloth and indigestion
Now we are upon the subject of parsons I must tell you a ludicrous
adventure which was atchieved the other day by Tom Eastgate whom you may
remember on the foundation of Queens He had been very assiduous to pin himself
upon George Prankley who was a gentlemancommoner of Christchurch knowing the
said Prankley was heir to a considerable estate and would have the advowson of
a good living the incumbent of which was very old and infirm He studied his
passions and flattered them so effectually as to become his companion and
counsellor and at last obtained of him a promise of the presentation when
the living should fall Prankley on his uncles death quitted Oxford and made
his first appearance in the fashionable world at London from whence he came
lately to Bath where he has been exhibiting himself among the bucks and
gamesters of the place Eastgate followed him hither but he should not have
quitted him for a moment at his first emerging into life He ought to have
known he was a fantastic foolish fickle fellow who would forget his
collegeattachments the moment they ceased appealing to his senses Tom met with
a cold reception from his old friend and was moreover informed that he had
promised the living to another man who had a vote in the county where he
proposed to offer himself a candidate at the next general election He now
remembered nothing of Eastgate but the freedoms he had used to take with him
while Tom had quietly stood his butt with an eye to the benefice and those
freedoms he began to repeat in commonplace sarcasms on his person and his
cloth which he uttered in the public coffeehouse for the entertainment of the
company But he was egregiously mistaken in giving his own wit credit for that
tameness of Eastgate which had been entirely owing to prudential
considerations These being now removed he retorted his repartee with interest
and found no great difficulty in turning the laugh upon the aggressor who
losing his temper called him names and asked If he knew whom he talked to
After much altercation Prankley shaking his cane bid him hold his tongue
otherwise he would dust his cassock for him »I have no pretensions to such a
valet said Tom but if you should do me that office and overheat yourself I
have here a good oaken towel at your service«
Prankley was equally incensed and confounded at this reply After a moments
pause he took him aside towards the window and pointing to the clump of firs
on Clerkendown asked in a whisper if he had spirit enough to meet him there
with a case of pistols at six oclock tomorrow morning Eastgate answered in
the affirmative and with a steady countenance assured him he would not fail
to give him the rendezvous at the hour he mentioned So saying he retired and
the challenger stayed some time in manifest agitation In the morning Eastgate
who knew his man and had taken his resolution went to Prankleys lodgings and
roused him by five oclock
The squire in all probability cursed his punctuality in his heart but he
affected to talk big and having prepared his artillery overnight they crossed
the water at the end of the South Parade In their progress up the hill
Prankley often eyed the parson in hopes of perceiving some reluctance in his
countenance but as no such marks appeared he attempted to intimidate him by
word of mouth »If these flints do their office said he Ill do thy business
in a few minutes« »I desire you will do your best replied the other for my
part I come not here to trifle Our lives are in the hands of God and one of
us already totters on the brink of eternity « This remark seemed to make some
impression upon the squire who changed countenance and with a faultering
accent observed »That it ill became a clergyman to be concerned in quarrels and
bloodshed « »Your insolence to me said Eastgate I should have bore with
patience had not you cast the most infamous reflections upon my order the
honour of which I think myself in duty bound to maintain even at the expence of
my hearts blood and surely it can be no crime to put out of the world a
profligate wretch without any sense of principle morality or religion «
»Thou mayst take away my life cried Prankley in great perturbation but
dont go to murder my character What hast got no conscience« »My
conscience is perfectly quiet replied the other and now sir we are upon the
spot Take your ground as near as you please prime your pistol and the Lord
of his infinite mercy have compassion upon your miserable soul«
This ejaculation he pronounced in a loud solemn tone with his hat off and
his eyes lifted up then drawing a large horsepistol he presented and put
himself in a posture of action Prankley took his distance and endeavoured to
prime but his hand shook with such violence that he found this operation
impractible His antagonist seeing how it was with him offered his
assistance and advanced for that purpose when the poor squire exceedingly
alarmed at what he had heard and seen desired the action might be deferred till
next day as he had not settled his affairs »I hant made my will said he
my sisters are not provided for and I just now recollect an old promise which
my conscience tells me I ought to perform Ill first convince thee that Im
not a wretch without principle and then thou shalt have an opportunity to take
my life which thou seemst to thirst after so eagerly «
Eastgate understood the hint and told him that one day should break no
squares adding »God forbid that I should be the means of hindering you from
acting the part of an honest man and a dutiful brother « By virtue of this
cessation they returned peaceably together Prankley forthwith made out the
presentation of the living and delivered it to Eastgate telling him at the
same time he had now settled his affairs and was ready to attend him to the
Firgrove but Tom declared he could not think of lifting his hand against the
life of so great a benefactor He did more when they next met at the
coffeehouse he asked pardon of Mr Prankley if in his passion he had said any
thing to give him offence and the squire was so gracious as to forgive him
with a cordial shake of the hand declaring that he did not like to be at
variance with an old collegecompanion Next day however he left Bath
abruptly and then Eastgate told me all these particulars not a little pleased
with the effects of his own sagacity by which he has secured a living worth 160
l per annum
Of my uncle I have nothing at present to say but that we set out tomorrow
for London en famille He and the ladies with the maid and Chowder in a coach
I and the manservant ahorseback The particulars of our journey you shall have
in my next provided no accident happens to prevent
Yours ever
J MELFORD
Bath May 17
To Dr Lewis
Dear Dick
I shall tomorrow set out for London where I have bespoke lodgings at Mrs
Nortons in Goldensquare Although I am no admirer of Bath I shall leave it
with regret because I must part with some old friends whom in all
probability I shall never see again In the course of coffeehouse
conversation I had often heard very extraordinary encomiums passed on the
performances of Mr T a gentleman residing in this place who paints
landscapes for his amusement As I have no great confidence in the taste and
judgment of coffeehouse connoisseurs and never received much pleasure from
this branch of the art those general praises made no impression at all on my
curiosity but at the request of a particular friend I went yesterday to see
the pieces which had been so warmly commended I must own I am no judge of
painting though very fond of pictures I dont imagine that my senses would
play me so false as to betray me into admiration of any thing that was very
bad but true it is I have often overlooked capital beauties in pieces of
extraordinary merit If I am not totally devoid of taste however this young
gentleman of Bath is the best landscapepainter now living I was struck with
his performances in such a manner as I had never been by painting before His
trees not only have a richness of foliage and warmth of colouring which
delights the view but also a certain magnificence in the disposition and
spirit in the expression which I cannot describe His management of the chiaro
oscuro or light and shadow especially gleams of sunshine is altogether
wonderful both in the contrivance and execution and he is so happy in his
perspective and marking his distances at sea by a progressive series of ships
vessels capes and promontories that I could not help thinking I had a
distant view of thirty leagues upon the background of the picture If there is
any taste for ingenuity left in a degenerate age fast sinking into barbarism
this artist I apprehend will make a capital figure as soon as his works are
known
Two days ago I was favoured with a visit by Mr Fitzowen who with great
formality solicited my vote and interest at the general election I ought not
to have been shocked at the confidence of this man though it was remarkable
considering what had passed between him and me on a former occasion These
visits are mere matter of form which a candidate makes to every elector even
to those who he knows are engaged in the interest of his competitor lest he
should expose himself to the imputation of pride at a time when it is expected
he should appear humble Indeed I know nothing so abject as the behaviour of a
man canvassing for a seat in parliament This mean prostration to
boroughelectors especially has I imagine contributed in a great measure to
raise that spirit of insolence among the vulgar which like the devil will be
found very difficult to lay Be that as it may I was in some confusion at the
effrontery of Fitzowen but I soon recollected myself and told him I had not
yet determined for whom I should give my vote nor whether I should give it for
any The truth is I look upon both candidates in the same light and should
think myself a traitor to the constitution of my country if I voted for either
If every elector would bring the same consideration home to his conscience we
should not have such reason to exclaim against the venality of pts But we are
all a pack of venal and corrupted rascals so lost to all sense of honesty and
all tenderness of character that in a little time I am fully persuaded
nothing will be infamous but virtue and publicspirit
G H who is really an enthusiast in patriotism and represented the
capital in several successive parliaments declared to me tother day with the
tears in his eyes that he had lived above thirty years in the city of London
and dealt in the way of commerce with all the citizens of note in their turns
but that as he should answer to God he had never in the whole course of his
life found above three or four whom he could call thoroughly honest a
declaration which was rather mortifying than surprising to me who have found
so few men of worth in the course of my acquaintance that they serve only as
exceptions which in the grammarians phrase confirm and prove a general canon
I know you will say G H saw imperfectly through the mist of prejudice and
I am rankled by the spleen Perhaps you are partly in the right for I have
perceived that my opinion of mankind like mercury in the thermometer rises and
falls according to the variations of the weather
Pray settle accompts with Barnes take what money of mine is in his hands
and give him acquittance If you think Davis has stock or credit enough to do
justice to the farm give him a discharge for the rent that is due this will
animate his industry for I know that nothing is so discouraging to a farmer as
the thoughts of being in arrears with his landlord He becomes dispirited and
neglects his labour and so the farm goes to wreck Tabby has been clamouring
for some days about the lambs skin which Williams the hind begged of me
when he was last at Bath Prythee take it back paying the fellow the full
value of it that I may have some peace in my own house and let him keep his
own counsel if he means to keep his place O I shall never presume to despise
or censure any poor man for suffering himself to be henpecked conscious how I
myself am obliged to truckle to a domestic dæmon even though blessed be God
she is not yoked with me for life in the matrimonial waggon She has
quarrelled with the servants of the house about vails and such intolerable
scolding ensued on both sides that I have been fain to appease the cook and
chambermaid by stealth Cant you find some poor gentleman of Wales to take
this precious commodity off the hands of
yours
M BRAMBLE
Bath May 19
To Dr Lewis
Docter Lews
Give me leaf to tell you methinks you mought employ your talons better
than to encourage servants to pillage their masters I find by Gwyllim that
Villiams has got my skin for which he is an impotent rascal He has not only
got my skin but moreover my buttermilk to fatten his pigs and I suppose
the next thing he gets will be my pad to carry his daughter to church and fair
Roger gets this and Roger gets that but Id have you to know I wont be
rogered at this rate by any ragmatical fellow in the kingdom And I am
surprised docter Lews you would offer to put my affairs in composition with
the refuge and skim of the hearth I have toiled and moyled to a good purpuss
for the advantage of Matts family if I cant safe as much owl as will make me
an under petticoat As for the buttermilk neer a pig in the parish shall
thrust his snout in it with my goodwill Theres a famous physician at the Hot
Well that prescribes it to his patience when the case is consumptive and the
Scots and Irish have begun to drink it already in such quantities that there
is not a drop left for the hogs in the whole neighbourhood of Bristol Ill have
our buttermilk barrelled up and sent twice aweek to Aberginny where it may
be sold for a halfpenny the quart and so Roger may carry his pigs to another
market I hope Docter you will not go to put any more such phims in my
brothers head to the prejudice of my pockat but rather give me some raisins
which hitherto you have not done to subscribe myself
your humble servant
TAB BRAMBLE
Bath May 19
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
Without waiting for your answer to my last I proceed to give you an account
of our journey to London which has not been wholly barren of adventure Tuesday
last the squire took his place in a hired coach and four accompanied by his
sister and mine and Mrs Tabbys maid Winifrid Jenkins whose province it was
to support Chowder on a cushion in her lap I could scarce refrain from
laughing when I looked into the vehicle and saw that animal sitting opposite
to my uncle like any other passenger The squire ashamed of his situation
blushed to the eyes and calling to the postilions to drive on pulled the
glass up in my face I and his servant John Thomas attended them on
horseback
Nothing worth mentioning occurred till we arrived on the edge of
Marlborough Downs There one of the fore horses fell in going down hill at a
round trot and the postilion behind endeavouring to stop the carriage pulled
it on one side into a deep rut where it was fairly overturned I had rode on
about two hundred yards before but hearing a loud scream galloped back and
dismounted to give what assistance was in my power When I looked into the
coach I could see nothing distinctly but the nether end of Jenkins who was
kicking her heels and squalling with great vociferation All of a sudden my
uncle thrust up his bare pate and bolted through the window as nimble as a
grasshopper having made use of poor Wins posteriors as a step to rise in his
ascent The man who had likewise quitted his horse dragged this forlorn
damsel more dead than alive through the same opening Then Mr Bramble
pulling the door off its hinges with a jerk laid hold on Liddys arm and
brought her to the light very much frighted but little hurt It fell to my
share to deliver our aunt Tabitha who had lost her cap in the struggle and
being rather more than half frantic with rage and terror was no bad
representation of one of the sister Furies that guard the gates of hell She
expressed no sort of concern for her brother who ran about in the cold without
his periwig and worked with the most astonishing agility in helping to
disentangle the horses from the carriage but she cried in a tone of
distraction »Chowder Chowder my dead Chowder my poor Chowder is certainly
killed«
This was not the case Chowder after having tore my uncles leg in the
confusion of the fall had retreated under the seat and from thence the footman
drew him by the neck for which good office he bit his fingers to the bone The
fellow who is naturally surly was so provoked at this assault that he saluted
his ribs with a hearty kick exclaiming »Damn the nasty son of a bitch and
them he belongs to« A benediction which was by no means lost upon the
implacable virago his mistress Her brother however prevailed upon her to
retire into a peasants house near the scene of action where his head and hers
were covered and poor Jenkins had a fit Our next care was to apply some
sticking plaster to the wound in his leg which exhibited the impression of
Chowders teeth but he never opened his lips against the delinquent Mrs
Tabby alarmed at this scene »You say nothing Matt cried she but I know
your mind I know the spite you have to that poor unfortunate animal I know
you intend to take his life away« »You are mistaken upon my honour replied
the squire with a sarcastic smile I should be incapable of harbouring any
such cruel design against an object so amiable and inoffensive even if he had
not the happiness to be your favourite«
John Thomas was not so delicate The fellow whether really alarmed for his
life or instigated by the desire of revenge came in and bluntly demanded
that the dog should be put to death on the supposition that if ever he should
run mad hereafter he who had been bit by him would be infected My uncle
calmly argued upon the absurdity of his opinion observing that he himself was
in the same predicament and would certainly take the precaution he proposed if
he was not sure he ran no risque of infection Nevertheless Thomas continued
obstinate and at length declared that if the dog was not shot immediately he
himself would be his executioner This declaration opened the floodgates of
Tabbys eloquence which would have shamed the firstrate oratress of
Billingsgate The footman retorted in the same stile and the squire dismissed
him from his service after having prevented me from giving him a good
horsewhipping for his insolence
The coach being adjusted another difficulty occurred Mrs Tabitha
absolutely refused to enter it again unless another driver could be found to
take the place of the postilion who she affirmed had overturned the carriage
from malice aforethought After much dispute the man resigned his place to a
shabby country fellow who undertook to go as far as Marlborough where they
could be better provided and at that place we arrived about one oclock
without farther impediment Mrs Bramble however found new matter of offence
which indeed she had a particular genius for extracting at will from almost
every incident in life We had scarce entered the room at Marlborough where we
stayed to dine when she exhibited a formal complaint against the poor fellow
who had superseded the postilion She said he was such a beggarly rascal that
he had neer a shirt to his back and had the impudence to shock her sight by
shewing his bare posteriors for which act of indelicacy he deserved to be set
in the stocks Mrs Winifred Jenkins confirmed the assertion with respect to
his nakedness observing at the same time that he had a skin as fair as
alabaster
»This is a heinous offence indeed cried my uncle let us hear what the
fellow has to say in his own vindication« He was accordingly summoned and made
his appearance which was equally queer and pathetic He seemed to be about
twenty years of age of a middling size with bandy legs stooping shoulders
high forehead sandy locks pinking eyes flat nose and long chin but his
complexion was of a sickly yellow his looks denoted famine and the rags that
he wore could hardly conceal what decency requires to be covered My uncle
having surveyed him attentively said with an ironical expression in his
countenance »Ant you ashamed fellow to ride postilion without a shirt to
cover your backside from the view of the ladies in the coach« »Yes I am an
please your noble honour answered the man but necessity has no law as the
saying is And more than that it was an accident My breeches cracked behind
after I had got into the saddle « »Youre an impudent varlet cried Mrs
Tabby for presuming to ride before persons of fashion without a shirt « »I am
so an please your worthy ladyship said he but Im a poor Wiltshire lad I
hant a shirt in the world that I can call my own nor a rag of clothes an
please your ladyship but what you see I have no friend nor relation upon
earth to help me out I have had the fever and ague these six months and spent
all I had in the world upon doctors and to keep soul and body together and
saving your ladyships good presence I hant broke bread these four and twenty
hours «
Mrs Bramble turning from him said she had never seen such a filthy
tatterdemalion and bid him begone observing that he would fill the room full
of vermin Her brother darted a significant glance at her as she retired with
Liddy into another apartment and then asked the man if he was known to any
person in Marlborough When he answered that the landlord of the inn had
known him from his infancy mine host was immediately called and being
interrogated on the subject declared that the young fellows name was Humphry
Clinker That he had been a lovebegotten babe brought up in the workhouse
and put out apprentice by the parish to a country blacksmith who died before
the boys time was out that he had for some time worked under his ostler as a
helper and extra postilion till he was taken ill of the ague which disabled
him from getting his bread that having sold or pawned every thing he had in
the world for his cure and subsistence he became so miserable and shabby that
he disgraced the stable and was dismissed but that he never heard any thing to
the prejudice of his character in other respects »So that the fellow being sick
and destitute said my uncle you turned him out to die in the streets« »I pay
the poors rate replied the other and I have no right to maintain idle
vagrants either in sickness or health besides such a miserable object would
have brought a discredit upon my house «
»You perceive said the squire turning to me our landlord is a Christian
of bowels Who shall presume to censure the morals of the age when the very
publicans exhibit such examples of humanity Heark ye Clinker you are a most
notorious offender You stand convicted of sickness hunger wretchedness and
want But as it does not belong to me to punish criminals I will only take
upon me the task of giving you a word of advice Get a shirt with all
convenient despatch that your nakedness may not henceforward give offence to
travelling gentlewomen especially maidens in years «
So saying he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow who stood
staring at him in silence with his mouth wide open till the landlord pushed
him out of the room
In the afternoon as our aunt stept into the coach she observed with some
marks of satisfaction that the postilion who rode next to her was not a
shabby wretch like the ragamuffin who had drove them into Marlborough Indeed
the difference was very conspicuous this was a smart fellow with a
narrowbrimmed hat with gold cording a cut bob a decent blue jacket leather
breeches and a clean linen shirt puffed above the waistband When we arrived
at the castle on Spinhill where we lay this new postilion was remarkably
assiduous in bringing in the loose parcels and at length displayed the
individual countenance of Humphry Clinker who had metamorphosed himself in this
manner by relieving from pawn part of his own clothes with the money he had
received from Mr Bramble
Howsoever pleased the rest of the company were with such a favourable change
in the appearance of this poor creature it soured on the stomach of Mrs Tabby
who had not yet digested the affront of his naked skin She tossed her nose in
disdain saying she supposed her brother had taken him into favour because he
had insulted her with his obscenity that a fool and his money were soon parted
but that if Matt intended to take the fellow with him to London she would not
go a foot further that way My uncle said nothing with his tongue though his
looks were sufficiently expressive and next morning Clinker did not appear so
that we proceeded without further altercation to Salthill where we proposed to
dine There the first person that came to the side of the coach and began to
adjust the footboard was no other than Humphry Clinker When I handed out
Mrs Bramble she eyed him with a furious look and passed into the house My
uncle was embarrassed and asked him peevishly what had brought him hither The
fellow said his honour had been so good to him that he had not the heart to
part with him that he would follow him to the worlds end and serve him all
the days of his life without fee or reward
Mr Bramble did not know whether to chide or laugh at this declaration He
foresaw much contradiction on the side of Tabby and on the other hand he
could not but be pleased with the gratitude of Clinker as well as with the
simplicity of his character »Suppose I was inclined to take you into my
service said he what are your qualifications what are you good for« »An
please your honour answered this original I can read and write and do the
business of the stable indifferent well I can dress a horse and shoe him and
bleed and rowel him and as for the practice of sowgelding I wont turn my
back on eer a he in the county of Wilts Then I can make hogspuddings and
hobnails mend kettles and tin saucepans « Here uncle burst out alaughing
and enquired what other accomplishments he was master of »I know something of
singlestick and psalmody proceeded Clinker I can play upon the Jewsharp
sing Blackeyd Susan ArthuroBradley and divers other songs I can dance a
Welsh jig and Nancy Dawson wrestle a fall with any lad of my inches when Im
in heart and under correction I can find a hare when your honour wants a bit
of game« »Foregad thou art a complete fellow cried my uncle still laughing
I have a good mind to take thee into my family Prythee go and try if thou
canst make peace with my sister Thou hast given her much offence by shewing
her thy naked tail«
Clinker accordingly followed us into the room cap in hand where
addressing himself to Mrs Tabitha »May it please your ladyships worship
cried he to pardon and forgive my offences and with Gods assistance I
shall take care that my tail shall never rise up in judgment against me to
offend your ladyship again Do pray good sweet beautiful lady take
compassion on a poor sinner God bless your noble countenance I am sure you
are too handsome and generous to bear malice I will serve you on my bended
knees by night and by day by land and by water and all for the love and
pleasure of serving such an excellent lady «
This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon Tabby but she made no
reply and Clinker taking silence for consent gave his attendance at dinner
The fellows natural aukwardness and the flutter of his spirits were productive
of repeated blunders in the course of his attendance At length he spilt part
of a custard upon her right shoulder and starting back trod upon Chowder who
set up a dismal howl Poor Humphry was so disconcerted at this double mistake
that he dropt the china dish which broke into a thousand pieces then falling
down upon his knees remained in that posture gaping with a most ludicrous
aspect of distress Mrs Bramble flew to the dog and snatching him in her
arms presented him to her brother saying »This is all a concerted scheme
against this unfortunate animal whose only crime is its regard for me Here it
is kill it at once and then youll be satisfied«
Clinker hearing these words and taking them in the literal acceptation
got up in some hurry and seizing a knife from the sideboard cried »Not
here an please your ladyship It will daub the room Give him to me and Ill
carry him in the ditch by the roadside « To this proposal he received no other
answer than a hearty box on the ear that made him stagger to the other side of
the room »What said she to her brother am I to be affronted by every mangy
hound that you pick up in the highway I insist upon your sending this
rascallion about his business immediately « »For Gods sake sister compose
yourself said my uncle and consider that the poor fellow is innocent of any
intention to give you offence « »Innocent as the babe unborn« cried
Humphry »I see it plainly exclaimed this implacable maiden he acts by your
direction and you are resolved to support him in his impudence This is a bad
return for all the services I have done you for nursing you in your sickness
managing your family and keeping you from ruining yourself by your own
imprudence But now you shall part with that rascal or me upon the spot
without farther loss of time and the world shall see whether you have more
regard for your own flesh and blood or for a beggarly foundling taken from the
dunghill «
Mr Brambles eyes began to glisten and his teeth to chatter »If stated
fairly said he raising his voice the question is whether I have spirit to
shake off an intolerable yoke by one effort of resolution or meanness enough
to do an act of cruelty and injustice to gratify the rancour of a capricious
woman Heark ye Mrs Tabitha Bramble I will now propose an alternative in my
turn Either discard your four favourite or give me leave to bid you
eternally adieu For I am determined that he and I shall live no longer under
the same roof and now to dinner with what appetite you may « Thunderstruck at
this declaration she sat down in a corner and after a pause of some minutes
»Sure I dont understand you Matt« said she »And yet I spoke in plain
English « answered the squire with a peremptory look »Sir resumed this
virago effectually humbled it is your prerogative to command and my duty to
obey I cant dispose of the dog in this place but if youll allow him to go in
the coach to London I give you my word he shall never trouble you again «
Her brother entirely disarmed by this mild reply declared she could ask
him nothing in reason that he would refuse adding »I hope sister you have
never found me deficient in natural affection« Mrs Tabitha immediately rose
and throwing her arms about his neck kissed him on the cheek he returned her
embrace with great emotion Liddy sobbed Win Jenkins cackled Chowder capered
and Clinker skipped about rubbing his hands for joy of this reconciliation
Concord being thus restored we finished our meal with comfort and in the
evening arrived at London without having met with any other adventure My aunt
seems to be much mended by the hint she received from her brother She has been
graciously pleased to remove her displeasure from Clinker who is now retained
as a footman and in a day or two will make his appearance in a new suit of
livery but as he is little acquainted with London we have taken an occasional
valet whom I intend hereafter to hire as my own servant We lodge in
Goldensquare at the house of one Mrs Norton a decent sort of a woman who
takes great pains to make us all easy My uncle proposes to make a circuit of
all the remarkable scenes of this metropolis for the entertainment of his
pupils but as both you and I are already acquainted with most of those he will
visit and with some others he little dreams of I shall only communicate what
will be in some measure new to your observation Remember me to our Jesuitical
frie nds and believe me ever
Dear knight
yours affectionately
J MELFORD
London May 24
To Dr Lewis
Dear Doctor
London is literally new to me new in its streets houses and even in its
situation as the Irishman said »London is now gone out of town« What I left
open fields producing hay and corn I now find covered with streets and
squares and palaces and churches I am credibly informed that in the space of
seven years eleven thousand new houses have been built in one quarter of
Westminster exclusive of what is daily added to other parts of this unweildy
metropolis Pimlico and Knightsbridge are now almost joined to Chelsea and
Kensington and if this infatuation continues for half a century I suppose the
whole county of Middlesex will be covered with brick
It must be allowed indeed for the credit of the present age that London
and Westminster are much better paved and lighted than they were formerly The
new streets are spacious regular and airy and the houses generally
convenient The Bridge at Blackfriars is a noble monument of taste and
publicspirit I wonder how they stumbled upon a work of such magnificence and
utility But notwithstanding these improvements the capital is become an
overgrown monster which like a dropsical head will in time leave the body and
extremities without nourishment and support The absurdity will appear in its
full force when we consider that one sixth part of the natives of this whole
extensive kingdom is crowded within the bills of mortality What wonder that our
villages are depopulated and our farms in want of daylabourers The abolition
of small farms is but one cause of the decrease of population Indeed the
incredible increase of horses and black cattle to answer the purposes of
luxury requires a prodigious quantity of hay and grass which are raised and
managed without much labour but a number of hands will always be wanted for the
different branches of agriculture whether the farms be large or small The tide
of luxury has swept all the inhabitants from the open country The poorest
squire as well as the richest peer must have his house in town and make a
figure with an extraordinary number of domestics The ploughboys cowherds
and lower hinds are debauched and seduced by the appearance and discourse of
those coxcombs in livery when they make their summer excursions They desert
their dirt and drudgery and swarm up to London in hopes of getting into
service where they can live luxuriously and wear fine clothes without being
obliged to work for idleness is natural to man Great numbers of these being
disappointed in their expectation become thieves and sharpers and London being
an immense wilderness in which there is neither watch nor ward of any
signification nor any order or police affords them lurkingplaces as well as
prey
There are many causes that contribute to the daily increase of this enormous
mass but they may be all resolved into the grand source of luxury and
corruption About five and twenty years ago very few even of the most opulent
citizens of London kept any equipage or even any servants in livery Their
tables produced nothing but plain boiled and roasted with a bottle of port and
a tankard of beer At present every trader in any degree of credit every
broker and attorney maintains a couple of footmen a coachman and postilion
He has his townhouse and his countryhouse his coach and his postchaise His
wife and daughters appear in the richest stuffs bespangled with diamonds They
frequent the court the opera the theatre and the masquerade They hold
assemblies at their own houses they make sumptuous entertainments and treat
with the richest wines of Bourdeaux Burgundy and Champagne The substantial
tradesman who wont to pass his evenings at the alehouse for fourpence
halfpenny now spends three shillings at the tavern while his wife keeps
cardtables at home she must likewise have fine clothes her chaise or pad
with country lodgings and go three times aweek to public diversions Every
clerk apprentice and even waiter of tavern or coffeehouse maintains a
gelding by himself or in partnership and assumes the air and apparel of a
petit maitre The gayest places of public entertainment are filled with
fashionable figures which upon inquiry will be found to be journeymen
taylors servingmen and abigails disguised like their betters
In short there is no distinction or subordination left The different
departments of life are jumbled together The hodcarrier the low mechanic
the tapster the publican the shopkeeper the pettifogger the citizen and
courtier all tread upon the kibes of one another actuated by the demons of
profligacy and licentiousness they are seen every where rambling riding
rolling rushing justling mixing bouncing cracking and crashing in one vile
ferment of stupidity and corruption All is tumult and hurry one would imagine
they were impelled by some disorder of the brain that will not suffer them to
be at rest The footpassengers run along as if they were pursued by bailiffs
The porters and chairmen trot with their burthens People who keep their own
equipages drive through the streets at full speed Even citizens physicians
and apothecaries glide in their chariots like lightning The hackneycoachmen
make their horses smoke and the pavement shakes under them and I have actually
seen a waggon pass through Piccadilly at the handgallop In a word the whole
nation seems to be running out of their wits
The diversions of the times are not ill suited to the genius of this
incongruous monster called the public Give it noise confusion glare and
glitter it has no idea of elegance and propriety What are the amusements at
Ranelagh One half of the company are following one anothers tails in an
eternal circle like so many blind asses in an olivemill where they can
neither discourse distinguish nor be distinguished while the other half are
drinking hot water under the denomination of tea till nine or ten oclock at
night to keep them awake for the rest of the evening As for the orchestra the
vocal musick especially it is well for the performers that they cannot he heard
distinctly Vauxhall is a composition of baubles overcharged with paltry
ornaments ill conceived and poorly executed without any unity of design or
propriety of disposition It is an unnatural assembly of objects fantastically
illuminated in broken masses seemingly contrived to dazzle the eyes and divert
the imagination of the vulgar Here a wooden lion there a stone statue in one
place a range of things like coffeehouse boxes covered atop in another a
parcel of alehouse benches in a third a puppetshew representation of a tin
cascade in a fourth a gloomy cave of a circular form like a sepulchral vault
half lighted in a fifth a scanty slip of grassplat that would not afford
pasture sufficient for an asss colt The walks which nature seems to have
intended for solitude shade and silence are filled with crowds of noisy
people sucking up the nocturnal rheums of an aguish climate and through these
gay scenes a few lamps glimmer like so many farthing candles
When I see a number of welldressed people of both sexes sitting on the
covered benches exposed to the eyes of the mob and which is worse to the
cold raw nightair devouring sliced beef and swilling port and punch and
cyder I cant help compassionating their temerity while I despise their want
of taste and decorum but when they course along those damp and gloomy walks
or crowd together upon the wet gravel without any other cover than the cope of
Heaven listening to a song which one half of them cannot possibly hear how
can I help supposing they are actually possessed by a spirit more absurd and
pernicious than any thing we meet with in the precincts of Bedlam In all
probability the proprietors of this and other public gardens of inferior note
in the skirts of the metropolis are in some shape connected with the faculty
of physic and the company of undertakers for considering that eagerness in
the pursuit of what is called pleasure which now predominates through every
rank and denomination of life I am persuaded that more gouts rheumatisms
catarrhs and consumptions are caught in these nocturnal pastimes sub dio than
from all the risques and accidents to which a life of toil and danger is
exposed
These and other observations which I have made in this excursion will
shorten my stay at London and send me back with a double relish to my solitude
and mountains but I shall return by a different route from that which brought
me to town I have seen some old friends who constantly resided in this
virtuous metropolis but they are so changed in manners and disposition that we
hardly know or care for one another In our journey from Bath my sister Tabby
provoked me into a transport of passion during which like a man who has drank
himself potvaliant I talked to her in such a stile of authority and
resolution as produced a most blessed effect She and her dog have been
remarkably quiet and orderly ever since this expostulation How long this
agreeable calm will last Heaven above knows I flatter myself the exercise of
travelling has been of service to my health a circumstance which encourages me
to proceed in my projected expedition to the North But I must in the mean
time for the benefit and amusement of my pupils explore the depths of this
chaos this mishapen and monstrous capital without head or tail members or
proportion
Thomas was so insolent to my sister on the road that I was obliged to turn
him off abruptly betwixt Chippenham and Marlborough where our coach was
overturned The fellow was always sullen and selfish but if he should return
to the country you may give him a character for honesty and sobriety and
provided he behaves with proper respect to the family let him have a couple of
guineas in the name of
yours always
MATT BRAMBLE
London May 29
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My dear Letty
Inexpressible was the pleasure I received from yours of the 25th which was
last night put into my hands by Mrs Brentwood the milliner from Gloucester
I rejoice to hear that my worthy governess is in good health and still more
that she no longer retains any displeasure towards her poor Liddy I am sorry
you have lost the society of the agreeable miss Vaughan but I hope you wont
have cause much longer to regret the departure of your school companions as I
make no doubt but your parents will in a little time bring you into the world
where you are so well qualified to make a distinguished figure When that is the
case I flatter myself you and I shall meet again and be happy together and
even improve the friendship which we contracted in our tender years This at
least I can promise It shall not be for the want of my utmost endeavours if
our intimacy does not continue for life
About five days ago we arrived in London after an easy journey from Bath
during which however we were overturned and met with some other little
incidents which had like to have occasioned a misunderstanding betwixt my uncle
and aunt but now thank God they are happily reconciled we live in harmony
together and every day make parties to see the wonders of this vast metropolis
which however I cannot pretend to describe for I have not as yet seen one
hundredth part of its curiosities and I am quite in a maze of admiration
The cities of London and Westminster are spread out into an incredible
extent The streets squares rows lanes and alleys are innumerable Palaces
public buildings and churches rise in every quarter and among these last
St Pauls appears with the most astonishing preeminence They say it is not so
large as St Peters at Rome but for my own part I can have no idea of any
earthly temple more grand and magnificent
But even these superb objects are not so striking as the crowds of people
that swarm in the streets I at first imagined that some great assembly was
just dismissed and wanted to stand aside till the multitude should pass but
this human tide continues to flow without interruption or abatement from morn
till night Then there is such an infinity of gay equipages coaches chariots
chaises and other carriages continually rolling and shifting before your eyes
that ones head grows giddy looking at them and the imagination is quite
confounded with splendour and variety Nor is the prospect by water less grand
and astonishing than that by land you see three stupendous bridges joining the
opposite banks of a broad deep and rapid river so vast so stately so
elegant that they seem to be the work of the giants betwixt them the whole
surface of the Thames is covered with small vessels barges boats and
wherries passing to and fro and below the three bridges such a prodigious
forest of masts for miles together that you would think all the ships in the
universe were here assembled All that you read of wealth and grandeur in the
Arabian Nights Entertainment and the Persian Tales concerning Bagdad
Diarbekir Damascus Ispahan and Samarkand is here realized
Ranelagh looks like the inchanted palace of a genie adorned with the most
exquisite performances of painting carving and gilding enlightened with a
thousand golden lamps that emulate the noonday sun crowded with the great the
rich the gay the happy and the fair glittering with cloth of gold and
silver lace embroidery and precious stones While these exulting sons and
daughters of felicity tread this round of pleasure or regale in different
parties and separate lodges with fine imperial tea and other delicious
refreshments their ears are entertained with the most ravishing delights of
musick both instrumental and vocal There I heard the famous Tenducci a thing
from Italy It looks for all the world like a man though they say it is not
The voice to be sure is neither mans nor womans but it is more melodious
than either and it warbled so divinely that while I listened I really
thought myself in paradise
At nine oclock in a charming moonlight evening we embarked at Ranelagh
for Vauxhall in a wherry so light and slender that we looked like so many
fairies sailing in a nutshell My uncle being apprehensive of catching cold
upon the water went round in the coach and my aunt would have accompanied him
but he would not suffer me to go by water if she went by land and therefore she
favoured us with her company as she perceived I had a curiosity to make this
agreeable voyage After all the vessel was sufficiently loaded for besides
the waterman there was my brother Jery and a friend of his one Mr Barton a
country gentleman of a good fortune who had dined at our house The pleasure
of this little excursion was however damped by my being sadly frighted at our
landing where there was a terrible confusion of wherries and a crowd of people
bawling and swearing and quarrelling nay a parcel of uglylooking fellows
came running into the water and laid hold on our boat with great violence to
pull it ashore nor would they quit their hold till my brother struck one of
them over the head with his cane But this flutter was fully recompensed by the
pleasures of Vauxhall which I no sooner entered than I was dazzled and
confounded with the variety of beauties that rushed all at once upon my eye
Image to yourself my dear Letty a spacious garden part laid out in delightful
walks bounded with high hedges and trees and paved with gravel part
exhibiting a wonderful assemblage of the most picturesque and striking objects
pavilions lodges groves grottoes lawns temples and cascades porticoes
colonades and rotundos adorned with pillars statues and painting the whole
illuminated with an infinite number of lamps disposed in different figures of
suns stars and constellations the place crowded with the gayest company
ranging through those blissful shades or supping in different lodges on cold
collations enlivened with mirth freedom and goodhumour and animated by an
excellent band of musick Among the vocal performers I had the happiness to hear
the celebrated Mrs whose voice was so loud and so shrill that it made my
head ake through excess of pleasure
In about half an hour after we arrived we were joined by my uncle who did
not seem to relish the place People of experience and infirmity my dear Letty
see with very different eyes from those that such as you and I make use of Our
evenings entertainment was interrupted by an unlucky accident In one of the
remotest walks we were surprised with a sudden shower that set the whole
company arunning and drove us in heaps one upon another into the rotunda
where my uncle finding himself wet began to be very peevish and urgent to be
gone My brother went to look for the coach and found it with much difficulty
but as it could not hold us all Mr Barton stayed behind It was some time
before the carriage could be brought up to the gate in the confusion
notwithstanding the utmost endeavours of our new footman Humphry Clinker who
lost his scratch periwig and got a broken head in the scuffle The moment we
were seated my aunt pulled off my uncles shoes and carefully wrapped his poor
feet in her capuchin then she gave him a mouthfull of cordial which she
always keeps in her pocket and his clothes were shifted as soon as we arrived
at lodgings so that blessed be God he escaped a severe cold of which he was
in great terror
As for Mr Barton I must tell you in confidence he was a little
particular but perhaps I mistake his complaisance and I wish I may for his
sake You know the condition of my poor heart which in spite of hard usage
And yet I ought not to complain nor will I till farther information
Besides Ranelagh and Vauxhall I have been at Mrs Cornelys assembly
which for the rooms the company the dresses and decorations surpasses all
description but as I have no great turn for cardplaying I have not yet
entered thoroughly into the spirit of the place indeed I am still such a
country hoyden that I could hardly find patience to be put in a condition to
appear yet I was not above six hours under the hands of the hairdresser who
stuffed my head with as much black wool as would have made a quilted petticoat
and after all it was the smallest head in the assembly except my aunts
She to be sure was so particular with her rumpt gown and petticoat her scanty
curls her lappethead deep triple ruffles and high stays that every body
looked at her with surprise some whispered and some tittered and lady
Griskin by whom we were introduced flatly told her she was twenty good years
behind the fashion
Lady Griskin is a person of fashion to whom we have the honour to be
related She keeps a small rout at her own house never exceeding ten or a dozen
cardtables but these are frequented by the best company in town She has been
so obliging as to introduce my aunt and me to some of her particular friends of
quality who treat us with the most familiar goodhumour we have once dined
with her and she takes the trouble to direct us in all our motions I am so
happy as to have gained her goodwill to such a degree that she sometimes
adjusts my cap with her own hands and she has given me a kind invitation to
stay with her all the winter This however has been cruelly declined by my
uncle who seems to be I know not how prejudiced against the good lady for
whenever my aunt happens to speak in her commendation I observe that he makes
wry faces though he says nothing Perhaps indeed these grimaces may be the
effect of pain arising from the gout and rheumatism with which he is sadly
distressed To me however he is always goodnatured and generous even beyond
my wish Since we came hither he has made me a present of a suit of clothes
with trimmings and laces which cost more money than I shall mention and Jery
at his desire has given me my mothers diamond drops which are ordered to be
set anew so that it wont be his fault if I do not glitter among the stars of
the fourth or fifth magnitude I wish my weak head may not grow giddy in the
midst of all this gallantry and dissipation though as yet I can safely
declare I could gladly give up all these tumultuous pleasures for country
solitude and a happy retreat with those we love among whom my dear Willis
will always possess the first place in the breast of her
ever affectionate
LYDIA MELFORD
London May 31
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
I send you this letter franked by our old friend Barton who is as much
altered as it was possible for a man of his kidney to be Instead of the
careless indolent sloven we knew at Oxford I found him a busy talkative
politician a petitmaître in his dress and a ceremonious courtier in his
manners He has not gall enough in his constitution to be enflamed with the
rancour of party so as to deal in scurrilous invectives but since he obtained
a place he is become a warm partizan of the ministry and sees every thing
through such an exaggerating medium as to me who am happily of no party is
altogether incomprehensible Without all doubt the fumes of faction not only
disturb the faculty of reason but also pervert the organs of sense and I would
lay a hundred guineas to ten that if Barton on one side and the most
conscientious patriot in the opposition on the other were to draw upon honour
the picture of the k or m you and I who are still uninfected and
unbiassed would find both painters equally distant from the truth One thing
however must be allowed for the honour of Barton he never breaks out into
illiberal abuse far less endeavours by infamous calumnies to blast the moral
character of any individual on the other side
Ever since we came hither he has been remarkably assiduous in his attention
to our family an attention which in a man of his indolence and avocations I
should have thought altogether odd and even unnatural had not I perceived that
my sister Liddy has made some impression upon his heart I cant say that I have
any objection to his trying his fortune in this pursuit if an opulent estate
and a great stock of goodnature are sufficient qualifications in a husband to
render the marriagestate happy for life she may be happy with Barton but I
imagine there is something else required to engage and secure the affection of
a woman of sense and delicacy something which nature has denied our friend
Liddy seems to be of the same opinion When he addresses himself to her in
discourse she seems to listen with reluctance and industriously avoids all
particular communication but in proportion to her coyness our aunt is coming
Mrs Tabitha goes more than half way to meet his advances she mistakes or
affects to mistake the meaning of his courtesy which is rather formal and
fulsome she returns his compliments with hyperbolical interest she persecutes
him with her civilities at table she appeals to him for ever in conversation
she sighs and flirts and ogles and by her hideous affectation and
impertinence drives the poor courtier to the very extremity of his
complaisance in short she seems to have undertaken the siege of Bartons
heart and carries on her approaches in such a desperate manner that I dont
know whether he will not be obliged to capitulate In the mean time his
aversion to this inamorata struggling with his acquired affability and his
natural fear of giving offence throws him into a kind of distress which is
extremely ridiculous
Two days ago he persuaded my uncle and me to accompany him to St Jamess
where he undertook to make us acquainted with the persons of all the great men
in the kingdom and indeed there was a great assemblage of distinguished
characters for it was a high festival at court Our conductor performed his
promise with great punctuality He pointed out almost every individual of both
sexes and generally introduced them to our notice with a flourish of
panegyrick Seeing the king approach »There comes said he the most amiable
sovereign that ever swayed the sceptre of England the deliciæ humani generis
Augustus in patronizing merit Titus Vespasian in generosity Trajan in
beneficence and Marcus Aurelius in philosophy« »A very honest kindhearted
gentleman added my uncle hes too good for the times A king of England
should have a spice of the devil in his composition« Barton then turning to
the duke of C proceeded »You know the duke that illustrious hero who
trod rebellion under his feet and secured us in possession of every thing we
ought to hold dear as Englishmen and Christians Mark what an eye how
penetrating yet pacific what dignity in his mien what humanity in his aspect
Even malice must own that he is one of the greatest officers in Christendom«
»I think he be said Mr Bramble but who are these young gentlemen that stand
beside him« »Those cried our friend those are his royal nephews the princes
of the blood Sweet young princes the sacred pledges of the Protestant line so
spirited so sensible so princely « »Yes very sensible very spirited said
my uncle interrupting him but see the queen ha theres the queen Theres
the queen let me see Let me see Where are my glasses ha theres meaning
in that eye Theres sentiment Theres expression Well Mr Barton what
figure do you call next« The next person he pointed out was the favourite
yearl who stood solitary by one of the windows »Behold yon northern star
says he shorn of his beams What the Caledonian luminary that lately blazed
so bright in our hemisphere methinks at present it glimmers through a fog
like Saturn without his ring bleak and dim and distant Ha theres the
other great phænomenon the grand pensionary that weathercock of patriotism
that veers about in every point of the political compass and still feels the
wind of popularity in his tail He too like a portentous comet has risen again
above the courthorizon but how long he will continue to ascend it is not easy
to foretel considering his great eccentricity Who are those two satellites
that attend his motions« When Barton told him their names »To their characters
said Mr Bramble I am no stranger One of them without a drop of red blood in
his veins has a cold intoxicating vapour in his head and rancour enough in his
heart to inoculate and affect a whole nation The other is I hear intended for
a share in the adn and the pensionary vouches for his being duly qualified
The only instance I ever heard of his sagacity was his deserting his former
patron when he found him declining in power and in disgrace with the people
Without principle talent or intelligence he is ungracious as a hog greedy as
a vulture and thievish as a jackdaw but it must be owned he is no hypocrite
He pretends to no virtue and takes no pains to disguise his character His
ministry will be attended with one advantage no man will be disappointed by his
breach of promise as no mortal ever trusted to his word I wonder how lord
first discovered this happy genius and for what purpose lord has now adopted
him but one would think that as amber has a power to attract dirt and straws
and chaff a minister is endued with the same kind of faculty to lick up every
knave and blockhead in his way « His elogium was interrupted by the arrival of
the old duke of N who squeezing into the circle with a busy face of
importance thrust his head into every countenance as if he had been in search
of somebody to whom he wanted to impart something of great consequence My
uncle who had been formerly known to him bowed as he passed and the duke
seeing himself saluted so respectfully by a welldressed person was not slow in
returning the courtesy He even came up and taking him cordially by the hand
»My dear friend Mr A said he I am rejoiced to see you How long have
you been come from abroad How did you leave our good friends the Dutch The
king of Prussia dont think of another war ah Hes a great king a great
conqueror a very great conqueror Your Alexanders and Hannibals were nothing at
all to him sir Corporals drummers dross mere trash Damned trash heh «
His grace being by this time out of breath my uncle took the opportunity to
tell him he had not been out of England that his name was Bramble and that he
had the honour to sit in the last parliament but one of the late king as
representative for the borough of Dymkymraig »Odso cried the duke I remember
you perfectly well my dear Mr Bramble You was always a good and loyal
subject a staunch friend to administration I made your brother an Irish
bishop « »Pardon me my lord said the squire I once had a brother but he
was a captain in the army « »Ha said his grace he was so He was indeed
But who was the bishop then Bishop Blackberry Sure it was bishop Blackberry
Perhaps some relation of yours « »Very likely my lord replied my uncle the
Blackberry is the fruit of the Bramble But I believe the bishop is not a
berry of our bush « »No more he is No more he is ha ha ha exclaimed the
duke there you gave me a scratch good Mr Bramble ha ha ha Well I shall
be glad to see you at Lincolnsinnfields You know the way Times are
altered Though I have lost the power I retain the inclination Your very
humble servant good Mr Blackberry « So saying he shoved to another corner of
the room »What a fine old gentleman cried Mr Barton what spirits what a
memory He never forgets an old friend« »He does me too much honour
observed our squire to rank me among the number Whilst I sat in parliament
I never voted with the ministry but three times when my conscience told me they
were in the right however if he still keeps levee I will carry my nephew
thither that he may see and learn to avoid the scene for I think an English
gentleman never appears to such disadvantage as at the levee of a minister Of
his grace I shall say nothing at present but that for thirty years he was the
constant and common butt of ridicule and execration He was generally laughed at
as an ape in politics whose office and influence served only to render his
folly the more notorious and the opposition cursed him as the indefatigable
drudge of a firstmover who was justly stiled and stigmatized as the father of
corruption but this ridiculous ape this venal drudge no sooner lost the
places he was so ill qualified to fill and unfurled the banners of faction
than he was metamorphosed into a pattern of public virtue the very people who
reviled him before now extolled him to the skies as a wise experienced
statesman chief pillar of the Protestant succession and corner stone of
English liberty I should be glad to know how Mr Barton reconciles these
contradictions without obliging us to resign all title to the privilege of
common sense« »My dear sir answered Barton I dont pretend to justify the
extravagations of the multitude who I suppose were as wild in their former
censure as in their present praise but I shall be very glad to attend you on
Thursday next to his graces levee where Im afraid we shall not be crowded
with company for you know theres a wide difference between his present
office of president of the council and his former post of first lord
commissioner of the treasury«
This communicative friend having announced all the remarkable characters of
both sexes that appeared at court we resolved to adjourn and retired At the
foot of the staircase there was a crowd of laqueys and chairmen and in the
midst of them stood Humphry Clinker exalted upon a stool with his hat in one
hand and a paper in the other in the act of holding forth to the people
Before we could inquire into the meaning of this exhibition he perceived his
master thrust the paper into his pocket descended from his elevation bolted
through the crowd and brought up the carriage to the gate
My uncle said nothing till we were seated when after having looked at me
earnestly for some time he burst out alaughing and asked if I knew upon what
subject Clinker was holding forth to the mob »If said he the fellow is
turned mountebank I must turn him out of my service otherwise hell make Merry
Andrews of us all « I observed that in all probability he had studied
medicine under his master who was a farrier
At dinner the squire asked him if he had ever practised physic »Yes an
please your honour said he among brute beasts but I never meddle with
rational creatures« »I know not whether you rank in that class the audience you
was harranguing in the court at St Jamess but I should be glad to know what
kind of powders you was distributing and whether you had a good sale « »Sale
sir cried Clinker I hope I shall never be base enough to sell for gold and
silver what freely comes of Gods grace I distributed nothing an like your
honour but a word of advice to my fellows in servitude and sin« »Advice
concerning what« »Concerning profane swearing an please your honour so horrid
and shocking that it made my hair stand on end« »Nay if thou canst cure them
of that disease I shall think thee a wonderful doctor indeed « »Why not cure
them my good master the hearts of those poor people are not so stubborn as
your honour seems to think Make them first sensible that you have nothing in
view but their good then they will listen with patience and easily be
convinced of the sin and folly of a practice that affords neither profit nor
pleasure « At this remark our uncle changed colour and looked round the
company conscious that his own withers were not altogether unwrung »But
Clinker said he if you should have eloquence enough to persuade the vulgar
to resign those tropes and figures of rhetoric there will be little or nothing
left to distinguish their conversation from that of their betters« »But then
your honour knows their conversation will be void of offence and at the day
of judgment there will be no distinction of persons«
Humphry going down stairs to fetch up a bottle of wine my uncle
congratulated his sister upon having such a reformer in the family when Mrs
Tabitha declared he was a sober civilized fellow very respectful and very
industrious and she believed a good Christian into the bargain One would
think Clinker must really have some very extraordinary talent to ingratiate
himself in this manner with a virago of her character so fortified against him
with prejudice and resentment but the truth is since the adventure of
Salthill Mrs Tabby seems to be entirely changed She has left off scolding
the servants an exercise which was grown habitual and even seemed necessary to
her constitution and is become so indifferent to Chowder as to part with him
in a present to lady Griskin who proposes to bring the breed of him into
fashion Her ladyship is the widow of sir Timothy Griskin a distant relation of
our family She enjoys a jointure of five hundred pounds ayear and makes shift
to spend three times that sum Her character before marriage was a little
equivocal but at present she lives in the bon ton keeps cardtables gives
private suppers to select friends and is visited by persons of the first
fashion She has been remarkably civil to us all and cultivates my uncle with
the most particular regard but the more she strokes him the more his bristles
seem to rise To her compliments he makes very laconic and dry returns
Tother day she sent us a pottle of fine strawberries which he did not receive
without signs of disgust muttering from the Æneid timeo Danaos et Dona
ferentes She has twice called for Liddy of a forenoon to take an airing in
the coach but Mrs Tabby was always so alert I suppose by his direction that
she never could have the niece without her aunts company I have endeavoured
to sound Squaretoes on this subject but he carefully avoids all explanation
I have now dear Phillips filled a whole sheet and if you have read it to
an end I dare say you are as tired as
Your humble servant
J MELFORD
London June 2
To Dr Lewis
Yes Doctor I have seen the British Museum which is a noble collection and
even stupendous if we consider it was made by a private man a physician who
was obliged to make his own fortune at the same time but great as the
collection is it would appear more striking if it was arranged in one spacious
saloon instead of being divided into different apartments which it does not
entirely fill I could wish the series of medals was connected and the whole
of the animal vegetable and mineral kingdoms completed by adding to each at
the public expence those articles that are wanting It would likewise be a
great improvement with respect to the library if the deficiencies were made
up by purchasing all the books of character that are not to be found already in
the collection They might be classed in centuries according to the dates of
their publication and catalogues printed of them and the manuscripts for the
information of those that want to consult or compile from such authorities I
could also wish for the honour of the nation that there was a complete
apparatus for a course of mathematics mechanics and experimental philosophy
and a good salary settled upon an able professor who should give regular
lectures on these subjects
But this is all idle speculation which will never be reduced to practice
Considering the temper of the times it is a wonder to see any institution
whatsoever established for the benefit of the public The spirit of party is
risen to a kind of phrenzy unknown to former ages or rather degenerated to a
total extinction of honesty and candour You know I have observed for some
time that the public papers are become the infamous vehicles of the most cruel
and perfidious defamation every rancorous knave every desperate incendiary
that can afford to spend half a crown or three shillings may skulk behind the
press of a newsmonger and have a stab at the first character in the kingdom
without running the least hazard of detection or punishment
I have made acquaintance with a Mr Barton whom Jery knew at Oxford a good
sort of a man though most ridiculously warped in his political principles but
his partiality is the less offensive as it never appears in the stile of
scurrility and abuse He is a member of parliament and a retainer to the court
and his whole conversation turns upon the virtues and perfections of the
ministers who are his patrons Tother day when he was bedaubing one of those
worthies with the most fulsome praise I told him I had seen the same nobleman
characterized very differently in one of the dailypapers indeed so
stigmatized that if one half of what was said of him was true he must be not
only unfit to rule but even unfit to live that those impeachments had been
repeated again and again with the addition of fresh matter and that as he had
taken no steps towards his own vindication I began to think there was some
foundation for the charge »And pray sir said Mr Barton what steps would
you have him take Suppose he should prosecute the publisher who screens the
anonymous accuser and bring him to the pillory for a libel this is so far from
being counted a punishment in terrorem that it will probably make his fortune
The multitude immediately take him into their protection as a martyr to the
cause of defamation which they have always espoused They pay his fine they
contribute to the increase of his stock his shop is crowded with customers and
the sale of his paper rises in proportion to the scandal it contains All this
time the prosecutor is inveighed against as a tyrant and oppressor for having
chosen to proceed by the way of information which is deemed a grievance but if
he lays an action for damages he must prove the damage and I leave you to
judge whether a gentlemans character may not be brought into contempt and all
his views in life blasted by calumny without his being able to specify the
particulars of the damage he has sustained
This spirit of defamation is a kind of heresy that thrives under
persecution The liberty of the press is a term of great efficacy and like
that of the Protestant religion has often served the purposes of sedition A
minister therefore must arm himself with patience and bear those attacks
without repining Whatever mischief they may do in other respects they
certainly contribute in one particular to the advantage of government for
those defamatory articles have multiplied papers in such a manner and augmented
their sale to such a degree that the duty upon stamps and advertisements has
made a very considerable addition to the revenue« Certain it is a gentlemans
honour is a very delicate subject to be handled by a jury composed of men who
cannot be supposed remarkable either for sentiment or impartiality In such a
case indeed the defendant is tried not only by his peers but also by his
party and I really think that of all patriots he is the most resolute who
exposes himself to such detraction for the sake of his country If from the
ignorance or partiality of juries a gentleman can have no redress from law for
being defamed in a pamphlet or newspaper I know but one other method of
proceeding against the publisher which is attended with some risque but has
been practised successfully more than once in my remembrance A regiment of
horse was represented in one of the newspapers as having misbehaved at
Dettingen a captain of that regiment broke the publishers bones telling him
at the same time if he went to law he should certainly have the like
salutation from every officer of the corps Governor took the same
satisfaction on the ribs of an author who traduced him by name in a periodical
paper I know a low fellow of the same class who being turned out of Venice
for his impudence and scurrility retired to Lugano a town of the Grisons a
free people God wot where he found a printing press from whence he squirted
his filth at some respectable characters in the republic which he had been
obliged to abandon Some of these finding him out of the reach of legal
chastisement employed certain useful instruments such as may be found in all
countries to give him the bastinado which being repeated more than once
effectually stopt the current of his abuse
As for the liberty of the press like every other privilege it must be
restrained within certain bounds for if it is carried to a breach of law
religion and charity it becomes one of the greatest evils that ever annoyed
the community If the lowest ruffian may stab your goodname with impunity in
England will you be so uncandid as to exclaim against Italy for the practice of
common assassination To what purpose is our property secured if our moral
character is left defenceless People thus baited grow desperate and the
despair of being able to preserve ones character untainted by such vermin
produces a total neglect of fame so that one of the chief incitements to the
practice of virtue is effectually destroyed
Mr Bartons last consideration respecting the stampduty is equally wise
and laudable with another maxim which has been long adopted by our financiers
namely to connive at drunkenness riot and dissipation because they inhance
the receipt of the excise not reflecting that in providing this temporary
convenience they are destroying the morals health and industry of the people
Notwithstanding my contempt for those who flatter a minister I think there is
something still more despicable in flattering a mob When I see a man of birth
education and fortune put himself on a level with the dregs of the people
mingle with low mechanics feed with them at the same board and drink with them
in the same cup flatter their prejudices harangue in praise of their virtues
expose themselves to the belchings of their beer the fumes of their tobacco
the grossness of their familiarity and the impertinence of their conversation
I cannot help despising him as a man guilty of the vilest prostitution in
order to effect a purpose equally selfish and illiberal
I should renounce politics the more willingly if I could find other topics
of conversation discussed with more modesty and candour but the dæmon of party
seems to have usurped every department of life Even the world of literature and
taste is divided into the most virulent factions which revile decry and
traduce the works of one another Yesterday I went to return an afternoons
visit to a gentleman of my acquaintance at whose house I found one of the
authors of the present age who has written with some success As I had read
one or two of his performances which gave me pleasure I was glad of this
opportunity to know his person but his discourse and deportment destroyed all
the impressions which his writings had made in his favour He took upon him to
decide dogmatically upon every subject without deigning to shew the least cause
for his differing from the general opinions of mankind as if it had been our
duty to acquiesce in the ipse dixit of this new Pythagoras He rejudged the
characters of all the principal authors who had died within a century of the
present time and in this revision paid no sort of regard to the reputation
they had acquired Milton was harsh and prosaic Dryden languid and verbose
Butler and Swift without humour Congreve without wit and Pope destitute of
any sort of poetical merit As for his cotemporaries he could not bear to hear
one of them mentioned with any degree of applause They were all dunces
pedants plagiaries quacks and impostors and you could not name a single
performance but what was tame stupid and insipid It must be owned that this
writer had nothing to charge his conscience with on the side of flattery for
I understand he was never known to praise one line that was written even by
those with whom he lived on terms of goodfellowship This arrogance and
presumption in depreciating authors for whose reputation the company may be
interested is such an insult upon the understanding as I could not bear
without wincing
I desired to know his reasons for decrying some works which had afforded me
uncommon pleasure and as demonstration did not seem to be his talent I
dissented from his opinion with great freedom Having been spoiled by the
deference and humility of his hearers he did not bear contradiction with much
temper and the dispute might have grown warm had it not been interrupted by
the entrance of a rival bard at whose appearance he always quits the place
They are of different cabals and have been at open war these twenty years If
the other was dogmatical this genius was declamatory he did not discourse but
harangue and his orations were equally tedious and turgid He too pronounces ex
cathedra upon the characters of his cotemporaries and though he scruples not to
deal out praise even lavishly to the lowest reptile in Grubstreet who will
either flatter him in private or mount the public rostrum as his panegyrist he
damns all the other writers of the age with the utmost insolence and rancour
One is a blunderbuss as being a native of Ireland another a halfstarved
louse of literature from the banks of the Tweed a third an ass because he
enjoys a pension from the government a fourth the very angel of dullness
because he succeeded in a species of writing in which this Aristarchus had
failed a fifth who presumed to make strictures upon one of his performances
he holds as a bug in criticism whose stench is more offensive than his sting
In short except himself and his myrmidons there is not a man of genius or
learning in the three kingdoms As for the success of those who have written
without the pale of this confederacy he imputes it entirely to want of taste in
the public not considering that to the approbation of that very tasteless
public he himself owes all the consequence he has in life
Those originals are not fit for conversation If they would maintain the
advantage they have gained by their writing they should never appear but upon
paper For my part I am shocked to find a man have sublime ideas in his head
and nothing but illiberal sentiments in his heart The human soul will be
generally found most defective in the article of candour I am inclined to
think no mind was ever wholly exempt from envy which perhaps may have been
implanted as an instinct essential to our nature I am afraid we sometimes
palliate this vice under the specious name of emulation I have known a person
remarkably generous humane moderate and apparently selfdenying who could
not hear even a friend commended without betraying marks of uneasiness as if
that commendation had implied an odious comparison to his prejudice and every
wreath of praise added to the others character was a garland plucked from his
own temples This is a malignant species of jealousy of which I stand acquitted
in my own conscience Whether it is a vice or an infirmity I leave you to
inquire
There is another point which I would much rather see determined whether
the world was always as contemptible as it appears to me at present If the
morals of mankind have not contracted an extraordinary degree of depravity
within these thirty years then must I be infected with the common vice of old
men difficilis querulus laudator temporis acti or which is more probable
the impetuous pursuits and avocations of youth have formerly hindered me from
observing those rotten parts of human nature which now appear so offensively to
my observation
We have been at court and change and every where and every where we find
food for spleen and subject for ridicule My new servant Humphry Clinker
turns out a great original and Tabby is a changed creature She has parted
with Chowder and does nothing but smile like Malvolio in the play Ill be
hanged if she is not acting a part which is not natural to her disposition for
some purpose which I have not yet discovered
With respect to the characters of mankind my curiosity is quite satisfied
I have done with the science of men and must now endeavour to amuse myself with
the novelty of things I am at present by a violent effort of the mind forced
from my natural bias but this power ceasing to act I shall return to my
solitude with redoubled velocity Every thing I see and hear and feel in this
great reservoir of folly knavery and sophistication contributes to inhance
the value of a country life in the sentiments of
yours always
MAT BRAMBLE
London June 2
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Mary Jones
Lady Griskins botler Mr Crumb having got squire Barton to frank me a
kiver I would not neglect to let you know how it is with me and the rest of
the family
I could not rite by John Thomas for because he went away in a huff at a
minutes warming He and Chowder could not agree and so they fitt upon the
road and Chowder bitt his thumb and he swore he would do him a mischief and
he spoke saucy to mistress whereby the squire turned him off in gudgeon and
by Gods providence we picked up another footman called Umphry Klinker a good
sole as ever broke bread which shews that a scalded cat may prove a good
mouser and a hound be staunch thof he has got narro hare on his buttocks but
the proudest nose may be brot to the grinestone by sickness and misfortunes
O Molly what shall I say of London All the towns that ever I beheld in my
borndays are no more than Welsh barrows and crumlecks to this wonderful sitty
Even Bath itself is but a fillitch in the naam of God One would think theres
no end of the streets but the lands end Then theres such a power of people
going hurry skurry Such a racket of coxes Such a noise and haliballoo So
many strange sites to be seen O gracious my poor Welsh brain has been spinning
like a top ever since I came hither And I have seen the Park and the paleass
of Saint Gimses and the kings and the queens magisterial pursing and the
sweet young princes and the hillyfents and pyebald ass and all the rest of
the royal family
Last week I went with mistress to the Tower to see the crowns and wild
beastis and there was a monstracious lion with teeth half a quarter long and
a gentleman bid me not go near him if I wasnt a maid being as how he would
roar and tear and play the dickens Now I had no mind to go near him for I
cannot abide such dangerous honeymils not I but mistress would go and the
beast kept such a roaring and bouncing that I thot he would have broke his
cage and devoured us all and the gentleman tittered forsooth but Ill go to
death upon it I will that my lady is as good a firchin as the child unborn
and therefore either the gentleman told a fib or the lion oft to be set in
the stocks for bearing false witness again his neighbour for the commandment
sayeth Thou shall not bear false witness again thy neighbour
I was afterwards of a party at Sadlerswells where I saw such tumbling and
dancing upon ropes and wires that I was frightened and ready to go into a fit
I thot it was all inchantment and believing myself bewitched began for to
cry You knows as how the witches in Wales fly upon broomsticks but here was
flying without any broomstick or thing in the varsal world and firing of
pistols in the air and blowing of trumpets and swinging and rolling of
wheelbarrows upon a wire God bless us no thicker than a sewingthread
that to be sure they must deal with the devil A fine gentleman with a
pigstail and a golden sord by his side came to comfit me and offered for to
treat me with a pint of wind but I would not stay and so in going through the
dark passage he began to shew his cloven futt and went for to be rude my
fellowsarvant Umpry Klinker bid him be sivil and he gave the young man a
dowse in the chops but I fackins Mr Klinker want long in his debt with a
good oaken sapling he dusted his doublet for all his golden cheesetoaster and
fipping me under his arm carried me huom I nose not how being I was in such a
flustration But thank God Im now vaned from all such vanities for what are
all those rarities and vagaries to the glory that shall be revealed hereafter O
Molly let not your poor heart be puffed up with vanity
I had almost forgot to tell you that I have had my hair cut and pippered
and singed and bolstered and buckled in the newest fashion by a French
freezer Parley vow Francey Vee madmansell I now carries my head higher
than arrow private gentlewoman of Vales Last night coming huom from the
meeting I was taken by lamplight for an iminent poulterers daughter a great
beauty But as I was saying this is all vanity and vexation of spirit The
pleasures of London are no better than sower whey and stale cyder when compared
to the joys of the new Gerusalem
Dear Mary Jones An please God when I return Ill bring you a new cap with
a turkeyshell coom and a pyehouse sermon that was preached in the Tabernacle
and I pray of all love you will mind your vriting and your spilling for
craving your pardon Molly it made me suet to disseyffer your last scrabble
which was delivered by the hind at Bath O voman voman if thou hadst but
the least consumption of what pleasure we scullers have when we can cunster the
crabbidst buck off hand and spell the ethnitch vords without lucking at the
primmer As for Mr Klinker he is qualified to be clerk to a parish But Ill
say no more Remember me to Saul poor sole it goes to my hart to think she
dont yet know her letters But all in Gods good time It shall go hard but
I will bring her the A B C in gingerbread and that you nose will be learning
to her taste
Mistress says we are going a long gurney to the North but go where we
will I shall ever be
Dear Mary Jones
yours with true infection
WIN JENKINS
London June 3
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Wat
I mentioned in my last my uncles design of going to the duke of Ns
levee which design has been executed accordingly His grace has been so long
accustomed to this kind of homage that though the place he now fills does not
imply the tenth part of the influence which he exerted in his former office he
has given his friends to understand that they cannot oblige him in any thing
more than in contributing to support the shadow of that power which he no
longer retains in substance and therefore he has still public days on which
they appear at his levee
My uncle and I went thither with Mr Barton who being one of the dukes
adherents undertook to be our introducer The room was pretty well filled with
people in a great variety of dress but there was no more than one gown and
cassock though I was told his grace had while he was minister preferred
almost every individual that now filled the bench of bishops in the house of
lords but in all probability the gratitude of the clergy is like their
charity which shuns the light Mr Barton was immediately accosted by a
person well stricken in years tall and rawboned with a hooknose and an
arch leer that indicated at least as much cunning as sagacity Our conductor
saluted him by the name of captain C and afterwards informed us he was a man
of shrewd parts whom the government occasionally employed in secret services
But I have had the history of him more at large from another quarter He had
been many years ago concerned in fraudulent practices as a merchant in
France and being convicted of some of them was sent to the gallies from
whence he was delivered by the interest of the late duke of Ormond to whom he
had recommended himself in letter as his namesake and relation He was in the
sequel employed by our ministry as a spy and in the war of 1740 traversed all
Spain as well as France in the disguise of a capuchin at the extreme hazard
of his life in as much as the court of Madrid had actually got scent of him
and given orders to apprehend him at St Sebastians from whence he had
fortunately retired but a few hours before the order arrived This and other
hairbreadth scapes he pleaded so effectually as a merit with the English
ministry that they allowed him a comfortable pension which he now enjoys in
his old age He has still access to all the ministers and is said to be
consulted by them on many subjects as a man of uncommon understanding and great
experience He is in fact a fellow of some parts and invincible assurance
and in his discourse he assumes such an air of selfsufficiency as may very
well impose upon some of the shallow politicians who now labour at the helm of
administration But if he is not belied this is not the only imposture of
which he is guilty They say he is at bottom not only a Romancatholic but
really a priest and while he pretends to disclose to our statepilots all the
springs that move the cabinet of Versailles he is actually picking up
intelligence for the service of the French minister Be that as it may captain
C entered into conversation with us in the most familiar manner and treated
the dukes character without any ceremony »This wiseacre said he is still
abed and I think the best thing he can do is to sleep on till Christmas
for when he gets up he does nothing but expose his own folly Since
Granville was turned out there has been no minister in this nation worth the
meal that whitened his periwig They are so ignorant they scarce know a crab
from a cauliflower and then they are such dunces that theres no making them
comprehend the plainest proposition In the beginning of the war this poor
halfwitted creature told me in a great fright that thirty thousand French had
marched from Acadie to Cape Breton Where did they find transports« said I
»Transports cried he I tell you they marched by land « By land to the
island of Cape Breton »What is Cape Breton an island« Certainly »Ha are you
sure of that« When I pointed it out in the map he examined it earnestly with
his spectacles then taking me in his arms »My dear C cried he you always
bring us good news Egad Ill go directly and tell the king that Cape Breton
is an island «
He seemed disposed to entertain us with more anecdotes of this nature at
the expence of his grace when he was interrupted by the arrival of the Algerine
ambassador a venerable Turk with a long white beard attended by his dragoman
or interpreter and another officer of his household who had got no stockings
to his legs Captain C immediately spoke with an air of authority to a
servant in waiting bidding him go and tell the duke to rise as there was a
great deal of company come and among others the ambassador from Algiers
Then turning to us »This poor Turk said he notwithstanding his grey beard
is a greenhorn He has been several years resident in London and still is
ignorant of our political revolutions This visit is intended for the prime
minister of England but youll see how this wise duke will receive it as a mark
of attachment to his own person « Certain it is the duke seemed eager to
acknowledge the compliment A door opening he suddenly bolted out with a
shavingcloth under his chin his face frothed up to the eyes with soap lather
and running up to the ambassador grinned hideous in his face »My dear
Mahomet said he God love your long beard I hope the dey will make you a
horsetail at the next promotion ha ha ha Have but a moments patience
and Ill send to you in a twinkling « So saying he retreated into his den
leaving the Turk in some confusion After a short pause however he said
something to his interpreter the meaning of which I had great curiosity to
know as he turned up his eyes while he spoke expressing astonishment mixed
with devotion We were gratified by means of the communicative captain C who
conversed with the dragoman as an old acquaintance Ibrahim the ambassador
who had mistaken his grace for the ministers fool was no sooner undeceived by
the interpreter than he exclaimed to this effect »Holy prophet I dont
wonder that this nation prospers seeing it is governed by the counsel of
ideots a series of men whom all good mussulmen revere as the organs of
immediate inspiration« Ibrahim was favoured with a particular audience of short
duration after which the duke conducted him to the door and then returned to
diffuse his gracious looks among the crowd of his worshippers
As Mr Barton advanced to present me to his grace it was my fortune to
attract his notice before I was announced He forthwith met me more than half
way and seizing me by the hand »My dear sir Francis cried he this is so
kind I vow to Gad I am so obliged Such attention to a poor broken minister
Well Pray when does your excellency set sail For Gods sake have a care
of your health and eat stewed prunes in the passage Next to your own precious
health pray my dear excellency take care of the Five Nations Our good
friends the Five Nations The Toryrories the Maccolmacks the Outotheways
the Crickets and the Kickshaws Let em have plenty of blankets and
stinkubus and wampum and your excellency wont fail to scour the kettle and
boil the chain and bury the tree and plant the hatchet Ha ha ha« When he
had uttered this rhapsody with his usual precipitation Mr Barton gave him to
understand that I was neither Sir Francis nor St Francis but simply Mr
Melford nephew to Mr Bramble who stepping forward made his bow at the same
time »Odso no more it is Sir Francis said this wise statesman Mr Melford
Im glad to see you I sent you an engineer to fortify your dock Mr Bramble
your servant Mr Bramble How dye good Mr Bramble Your nephew is a
pretty young fellow Faith and troth a very pretty fellow His father is my
old friend How does he hold it Still troubled with that damned disorder ha«
»No my lord replied my uncle all his troubles are over He has been dead
these fifteen years« »Dead how Yes faith now I remember he is dead sure
enough Well and how does the young gentleman stand for Haverford West or
a what dye My dear Mr Milfordhaven Ill do you all the service in my
power I hope I have some credit left « My uncle then gave him to understand
that I was still a minor and that we had no intention to trouble him at
present for any favour whatsoever »I came hither with my nephew added he to
pay our respects to your grace and I may venture to say that his views and
mine are at least as disinterested as those of any individual in this assembly«
»My dear Mr Brambleberry you do me infinite honour I shall always rejoice to
see you and your hopeful nephew Mr Milfordhaven My credit such as it is
you may command I wish we had more friends of your kidney «
Then turning to captain C »Ha C said he what news C how does
the world wag ha« »The world wags much after the old fashion my lord
answered the captain the politicians of London and Westminster have begun
again to wag their tongues against your grace and your shortlived popularity
wags like a feather which the next puff of antiministerial calumny will blow
away « »A pack of rascals cried the duke Tories Jacobites rebels one
half of them would wag their heels at Tyburn if they had their deserts « So
saying he wheeled about and going round the levee spoke to every individual
with the most courteous familiarity but he scarce ever opened his mouth without
making some blunder in relation to the person or business of the party with
whom he conversed so that he really looked like a comedian hired to burlesque
the character of a minister At length a person of a very prepossessing
appearance coming in his grace ran up and hugging him in his arms with the
appellation of »My dear Chs« led him forthwith into the inner apartment or
Sanctum Sanctorum of this political temple »That said captain C is my
friend C T almost the only man of parts who has any concern in the present
administration Indeed he would have no concern at all in the matter if the
ministry did not find it absolutely necessary to make use of his talents upon
some particular occasions As for the common business of the nation it is
carried on in a constant routine by the clerks of the different offices
otherwise the wheels of government would be wholly stopt amidst the abrupt
succession of ministers every one more ignorant than his predecessor I am
thinking what a fine hovel we should be in if all the clerks of the treasury
of the secretaries the waroffice and the admiralty should take it in their
heads to throw up their places in imitation of the great pensioner But to
return to C T he certainly knows more than all the ministry and all the
opposition if their heads were laid together and talks like an angel on a vast
variety of subjects He would really be a great man if he had any consistency
or stability of character Then it must be owned he wants courage otherwise
he would never allow himself to be cowed by the great political bully for whose
understanding he has justly a very great contempt I have seen him as much
afraid of that overbearing Hector as ever schoolboy was of his pedagogue and
yet this Hector I shrewdly suspect is no more than a craven at bottom
Besides this defect C has another which he is at too little pains to hide
Theres no faith to be given to his assertions and no trust to be put in his
promises However to give the devil his due hes very goodnatured and even
friendly when close urged in the way of solicitation As for principle thats
out of the question in a word he is a wit and an orator extremely
entertaining and he shines very often at the expence even of those ministers to
whom he is a retainer This is a mark of great imprudence by which he has made
them all his enemies whatever face they may put upon the matter and sooner or
later hell have cause to wish he had been able to keep his own counsel I have
several times cautioned him on this subject but tis all preaching to the
desert His vanity runs away with his discretion « I could not help thinking
the captain himself might have been the better for some hints of the same nature
His panegyric excluding principle and veracity puts me in mind of a contest
I once overheard in the way of altercation betwixt two applewomen in
Springgarden One of those viragos having hinted something to the prejudice of
the others moral character her antagonist setting her hands in her sides
replied »Speak out hussy I scorn your malice I own Im both a whore and a
thief and what more have you to say Damn you what more have you to say
bating that which all the world knows I challenge you to say black is the
white of my eye « We did not wait for Mr Ts coming forth but after captain
C had characterised all the originals in waiting we adjourned to a
coffeehouse where we had buttered muffins and tea to breakfast the said
captain still favouring us with his company Nay my uncle was so diverted with
his anecdotes that he asked him to dinner and treated him with a fine turbot
to which he did ample justice That same evening I spent at the tavern with
some friends one of whom let me into Cs character which Mr Bramble no
sooner understood than he expressed some concern for the connexion he had made
and resolved to disengage himself from it without ceremony
We are become members of the Society for the Encouragement of the Arts and
have assisted at some of their deliberations which were conducted with equal
spirit and sagacity My uncle is extremely fond of the institution which will
certainly be productive of great advantages to the public if from its
democratical form it does not degenerate into cabal and corruption You are
already acquainted with his aversion to the influence of the multitude which
he affirms is incompatible with excellence and subversive of order Indeed
his detestation of the mob has been heightened by fear ever since he fainted in
the room at Bath and this apprehension has prevented him from going to the
Little Theatre in the Haymarket and other places of entertainment to which
however I have had the honour to attend the ladies
It grates old SquareToes to reflect that it is not in his power to enjoy
even the most elegant diversions of the capital without the participation of
the vulgar for they now thrust themselves into all assemblies from a ridotto
at St Jamess to a hop at Rotherhithe
I have lately seen our old acquaintance Dick Ivy who we imagined had died
of dramdrinking but he is lately emerged from the Fleet by means of a
pamphlet which he wrote and published against the government with some success
The sale of this performance enabled him to appear in clean linen and he is now
going about soliciting subscriptions for his Poems but his breeches are not yet
in the most decent order
Dick certainly deserves some countenance for his intrepidity and
perseverance It is not in the power of disappointment nor even of damnation
to drive him to despair After some unsuccessful essays in the way of poetry
he commenced brandymerchant and I believe his whole stock ran out through his
own bowels then he consorted with a milkwoman who kept a cellar in Petty
France but he could not make his quarters good he was dislodged and driven up
stairs into the kennel by a corporal in the second regiment of footguards He
was afterwards the laureat of Blackfriars from whence there was a natural
transition to the Fleet As he had formerly miscarried in panegyric he now
turned his thoughts to satire and really seems to have some talent for abuse
If he can hold out till the meeting of the parliament and be prepared for
another charge in all probability Dick will mount the pillory or obtain a
pension in either of which events his fortune will be made Mean while he has
acquired some degree of consideration with the respectable writers of the age
and as I have subscribed for his works he did me the favour tother night to
introduce me to a society of those geniuses but I found them exceedingly formal
and reserved They seemed afraid and jealous of one another and sat in a state
of mutual repulsion like so many particles of vapour each surrounded by its
own electrified atmosphere Dick who has more vivacity than judgment tried
more than once to enliven the conversation sometimes making an effort at wit
sometimes letting off a pun and sometimes discharging a conundrum nay at
length he started a dispute upon the hackneyed comparison betwixt blank verse
and rhyme and the professors opened with great clamour but instead of keeping
to the subject they launched out into tedious dissertations on the poetry of
the antients and one of them who had been a schoolmaster displayed his whole
knowledge of prosody gleaned from Disputer and Ruddiman At last I ventured to
say I did not see how the subject in question could be at all elucidated by the
practice of the antients who certainly had neither blank verse nor rhyme in
their poems which were measured by feet whereas ours are reckoned by the
number of syllables This remark seemed to give umbrage to the pedant who
forthwith involved himself in a cloud of Greek and Latin quotations which
nobody attempted to dispel A confused hum of insipid observations and comments
ensued and upon the whole I never passed a duller evening in my life Yet
without all doubt some of them were men of learning wit and ingenuity As
they are afraid of making free with one another they should bring each his
butt or whetstone along with him for the entertainment of the company My
uncle says he never desires to meet with more than one wit at a time One wit
like a knuckle of ham in soup gives a zest and flavour to the dish but more
than one serves only to spoil the pottage And now Im afraid I have given you
an unconscionable mess without any flavour at all for which I suppose you
will bestow your benedictions upon
your friend
and servant
J MELFORD
London June 5
Volume II
To Dr Lewis
Dear Lewis
Your fable of the monkey and the pig is what the Italians call ben trovata
but I shall not repeat it to my apothecary who is a proud Scotchman very thin
skinned and for aught I know may have his degree in his pocket A right
Scotchman has always two strings to his bow and is in utrumque paratus
Certain it is I have not scaped a scouring but I believe by means of that
scouring I have scaped something worse perhaps a tedious fit of the gout or
rheumatism for my appetite began to flagg and I had certain croakings in the
bowels which boded me no good Nay I am not yet quite free of these
remembrances which warn me to be gone from this centre of infection
What temptation can a man of my turn and temperament have to live in a
place where every corner teems with fresh objects of detestation and disgust
What kind of taste and organs must those people have who really prefer the
adulterate enjoyments of the town to the genuine pleasures of a country retreat
Most people I know are originally seduced by vanity ambition and childish
curiosity which cannot be gratified but in the busy haunts of men but in the
course of this gratification their very organs of sense are perverted and they
become habitually lost to every relish of what is genuine and excellent in its
own nature
Shall I state the difference between my town grievances and my country
comforts At Brambletonhall I have elbowroom within doors and breathe a
clear elastic salutary air I enjoy refreshing sleep which is never
disturbed by horrid noise nor interrupted but in amorning by the sweet
twitter of the martlet at my window I drink the virgin lymph pure and
crystalline as it gushes from the rock or the sparkling beveridge homebrewed
from malt of my own making or I indulge with cyder which my own orchard
affords or with claret of the best growth imported for my own use by a
correspondent on whose integrity I can depend my bread is sweet and nourishing
made from my own wheat ground in my own mill and baked in my own oven my
table is in a great measure furnished from my own ground my fiveyear old
mutton fed on the fragrant herbage of the mountains that might vie with
venison in juice and flavour my delicious veal fattened with nothing but the
mothers milk that fills the dish with gravy my poultry from the barndoor
that never knew confinement but when they were at roost my rabbits panting
from the warren my game fresh from the moors my trout and salmon struggling
from the stream oysters from their native banks and herrings with other
seafish I can eat in four hours after they are taken My sallads roots and
potherbs my own garden yields in plenty and perfection the produce of the
natural soil prepared by moderate cultivation The same soil affords all the
different fruits which England may call her own so that my desert is every day
freshgathered from the tree my dairy flows with nectarious tides of milk and
cream from whence we derive abundance of excellent butter curds and cheese
and the refuse fattens my pigs that are destined for hams and bacon I go to
bed betimes and rise with the sun I make shift to pass the hours without
weariness or regret and am not destitute of amusements within doors when the
weather will not permit me to go abroad I read and chat and play at
billiards cards or backgammon Without doors I superintend my farm and
execute plans of improvement the effects of which I enjoy with unspeakable
delight Nor do I take less pleasure in seeing my tenants thrive under my
auspices and the poor live comfortably by the employment which I provide You
know I have one or two sensible friends to whom I can open all my heart a
blessing which perhaps I might have sought in vain among the crowded scenes of
life there are a few others of more humble parts whom I esteem for their
integrity and their conversation I find inoffensive though not very
entertaining Finally I live in the midst of honest men and trusty dependants
who I flatter myself have a disinterested attachment to my person You
yourself my dear Doctor can vouch for the truth of these assertions
Now mark the contrast at London I am pent up in frowzy lodgings where
there is not room enough to swing a cat and I breathe the steams of endless
putrefaction and these would undoubtedly produce a pestilence if they were
not qualified by the gross acid of seacoal which is itself a pernicious
nuisance to lungs of any delicacy of texture but even this boasted corrector
cannot prevent those languid sallow looks that distinguish the inhabitants of
London from those ruddy swains that lead a countrylife I go to bed after
midnight jaded and restless from the dissipations of the day I start every
hour from my sleep at the horrid noise of the watchmen bawling the hour through
every street and thundering at every door a set of useless fellows who serve
no other purpose but that of disturbing the repose of the inhabitants and by
five oclock I start out of bed in consequence of the still more dreadful alarm
made by the country carts and noisy rustics bellowing green pease under my
window If I would drink water I must quaff the maukish contents of an open
aqueduct exposed to all manner of defilement or swallow that which comes from
the river Thames impregnated with all the filth of London and Westminster
Human excrement is the least offensive part of the concrete which is composed
of all the drugs minerals and poisons used in mechanics and manufacture
enriched with the putrefying carcases of beasts and men and mixed with the
scourings of all the washtubs kennels and common sewers within the bills of
mortality
This is the agreeable potation extolled by the Londoners as the finest
water in the universe As to the intoxicating potion sold for wine it is a
vile unpalatable and pernicious sophistication balderdashed with cyder
cornspirit and the juice of sloes In an action at law laid against a carman
for having staved a cask of port it appeared from the evidence of the cooper
that there were not above five gallons of real wine in the whole pipe which
held above a hundred and even that had been brewed and adulterated by the
merchant at Oporto The bread I eat in London is a deleterious paste mixed up
with chalk alum and boneashes insipid to the taste and destructive to the
constitution The good people are not ignorant of this adulteration but they
prefer it to wholesome bread because it is whiter than the meal of corn thus
they sacrifice their taste and their health and the lives of their tender
infants to a most absurd gratification of a misjudging eye and the miller or
the baker is obliged to poison them and their families in order to live by his
profession The same monstrous depravity appears in their veal which is
bleached by repeated bleedings and other villainous arts till there is not a
drop of juice left in the body and the poor animal is paralytic before it dies
so void of all taste nourishment and savour that a man might dine as
comfortably on a white fricasee of kidskin gloves or chip hats from Leghorn
As they have discharged the natural colour from their bread their
butchersmeat and poultry their cutlets ragouts fricasees and sauces of
all kinds so they insist upon having the complexion of their potherbs mended
even at the hazard of their lives Perhaps you will hardly believe they can be
so mad as to boil their greens with brass halfpence in order to improve their
colour and yet nothing is more true Indeed without this improvement in the
colour they have no personal merit They are produced in an artificial soil
and taste of nothing but the dunghills from whence they spring My cabbage
cauliflower and sparagus in the country are as much superior in flavour to
those that are sold in Coventgarden as my heathmutton is to that of St
Jamess market which in fact is neither lamb nor mutton but something
betwixt the two gorged in the rank fens of Lincoln and Essex pale coarse and
frowzy As for the pork it is an abominable carnivorous animal fed with
horseflesh and distillers grains and the poultry is all rotten in
consequence of a fever occasioned by the infamous practice of sewing up the
gut that they may be the sooner fattened in coops in consequence of this cruel
retention
Of the fish I need say nothing in this hot weather but that it comes
sixty seventy fourscore and a hundred miles by landcarriage a circumstance
sufficient without any comment to turn a Dutchmans stomach even if his nose
was not saluted in every alley with the sweet flavour of fresh mackarel selling
by retail This is not the season for oysters nevertheless it may not be
amiss to mention that the right Colchester are kept in slimepits occasionally
overflowed by the sea and that the green colour so much admired by the
voluptuaries of this metropolis is occasioned by the vitriolic scum which
rises on the surface of the stagnant and stinking water Our rabbits are bred
and fed in the poulterers cellar where they have neither air nor exercise
consequently they must be firm in flesh and delicious in flavour and there is
no game to be had for love or money
It must be owned that Coventgarden affords some good fruit which
however is always engrossed by a few individuals of overgrown fortune at an
exorbitant price so that little else than the refuse of the market falls to the
share of the community and that is distributed by such filthy hands as I
cannot look at without loathing It was but yesterday that I saw a dirty
barrowbunter in the street cleaning her dusty fruit with her own spittle and
who knows but some fine lady of St Jamess parish might admit into her delicate
mouth those very cherries which had been rolled and moistened between the
filthy and perhaps ulcerated chops of a St Giless huckster I need not
dwell upon the pallid contaminated mash which they call strawberries soiled
and tossed by greasy paws through twenty baskets crusted with dirt and then
presented with the worst milk thickened with the worst flour into a bad
likeness of cream but the milk itself should not pass unanalysed the produce
of faded cabbageleaves and sour draff lowered with hot water frothed with
bruised snails carried through the streets in open pails exposed to foul
rinsings discharged from doors and windows spittle snot and tobaccoquids
from footpassengers overflowings from mudcarts spatterings from
coachwheels dirt and trash chucked into it by roguish boys for the jokes
sake the spewings of infants who have slabbered in the tinmeasure which is
thrown back in that condition among the milk for the benefit of the next
customer and finally the vermin that drops from the rags of the nasty drab
that vends this precious mixture under the respectable denomination of
milkmaid
I shall conclude this catalogue of London dainties with that tablebeer
guiltless of hops and malt vapid and nauseous much fitter to facilitate the
operation of a vomit than to quench thirst and promote digestion the tallowy
rancid mass called butter manufactured with candlegrease and kitchenstuff
and their fresh eggs imported from France and Scotland Now all these
enormities might be remedied with a very little attention to the article of
police or civil regulation but the wise patriots of London have taken it into
their heads that all regulation is inconsistent with liberty and that every
man ought to live in his own way without restraint Nay as there is not sense
enough left among them to be discomposed by the nuisances I have mentioned
they may for aught I care wallow in the mire of their own pollution
A companionable man will undoubtedly put up with many inconveniencies for
the sake of enjoying agreeable society A facetious friend of mine used to say
the wine could not be bad where the company was agreeable a maxim which
however ought to be taken cum grano salis but what is the society of London
that I should be tempted for its sake to mortify my senses and compound with
such uncleanness as my soul abhors All the people I see are too much engrossed
by schemes of interest or ambition to have any room left for sentiment or
friendship Even in some of my old acquaintance those schemes and pursuits
have obliterated all traces of our former connexion Conversation is reduced to
partydisputes and illiberal altercation Social commerce to formal visits
and cardplaying If you pick up a diverting original by accident it may be
dangerous to amuse yourself with his oddities He is generally a tartar at
bottom a sharper a spy or a lunatic Every person you deal with endeavours to
overreach you in the way of business you are preyed upon by idle mendicants
who beg in the phrase of borrowing and live upon the spoils of the stranger
Your tradesmen are without conscience your friends without affection and your
dependants without fidelity
My letter would swell into a treatise were I to particularize every cause
of offence that fills up the measure of my aversion to this and every other
crowded city Thank Heaven I am not so far sucked into the vortex but that I
can disengage myself without any great effort of philosophy From this wild
uproar of knavery folly and impertinence I shall fly with double relish to
the serenity of retirement the cordial effusions of unreserved friendship the
hospitality and protection of the rural gods in a word the jucunda oblivia
vitæ which Horace himself had not taste enough to enjoy
I have agreed for a good travellingcoach and four at a guinea aday for
three months certain and next week we intend to begin our journey to the North
hoping still to be with you by the latter end of October I shall continue to
write from every stage where we make any considerable halt as often as any
thing occurs which I think can afford you the least amusement In the mean
time I must beg you will superintend the oeconomy of Barns with respect to my
hay and corn harvests assured that my ground produces nothing but what you may
freely call your own On any other terms I should be ashamed to subscribe
myself
your unvariable friend
MATT BRAMBLE
London June 8
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
In my last I mentioned my having spent an evening with a society of
authors who seemed to be jealous and afraid of one another My uncle was not at
all surprised to hear me say I was disappointed in their conversation »A man
may be very entertaining and instructive upon paper said he and exceedingly
dull in common discourse I have observed that those who shine most in private
company are but secondary stars in the constellation of genius A small stock
of ideas is more easily managed and sooner displayed than a great quantity
crowded together There is very seldom any thing extraordinary in the appearance
and address of a good writer whereas a dull author generally distinguishes
himself by some oddity or extravagance For this reason I fancy that an
assembly of Grubs must be very diverting«
My curiosity being excited by this hint I consulted my friend Dick Ivy who
undertook to gratify it the very next day which was Sunday last He carried
me to dine with S whom you and I have long known by his writings He lives
in the skirts of the town and every Sunday his house is open to all unfortunate
brothers of the quill whom he treats with beef pudding and potatoes port
punch and Calverts entire butt beer He has fixed upon the first day of the
week for the exercise of his hospitality because some of his guests could not
enjoy it on any other for reasons that I need not explain I was civilly
received in a plain yet decent habitation which opened backwards into a very
pleasant garden kept in excellent order and indeed I saw none of the outward
signs of authorship either in the house or the landlord who is one of those
few writers of the age that stand upon their own foundation without patronage
and above dependence If there was nothing characteristic in the entertainer
the company made ample amends for his want of singularity
At two in the afternoon I found myself one of ten messmates seated at
table and I question if the whole kingdom could produce such another
assemblage of originals Among their peculiarities I do not mention those of
dress which may be purely accidental What struck me were oddities originally
produced by affectation and afterwards confirmed by habit One of them wore
spectacles at dinner and another his hat flapped though as Ivy told me the
first was noted for having a seamans eye when a bailiff was in the wind and
the other was never known to labour under any weakness or defect of vision
except about five years ago when he was complimented with a couple of black
eyes by a player with whom he had quarrelled in his drink A third wore a laced
stocking and made use of crutches because once in his life he had been laid
up with a broken leg though no man could leap over a stick with more agility A
fourth had contracted such an antipathy to the country that he insisted upon
sitting with his back towards the window that looked into the garden and when a
dish of cauliflower was set upon the table he snuffed up volatile salts to keep
him from fainting yet this delicate person was the son of a cottager born
under a hedge and had many years run wild among asses on a common A fifth
affected distraction When spoke to he always answered from the purpose
sometimes he suddenly started up and rapped out a dreadful oath sometimes he
burst out alaughing then he folded his arms and sighed and then he hissed
like fifty serpents
At first I really thought he was mad and as he sat near me began to be
under some apprehensions for my own safety when our landlord perceiving me
alarmed assured me aloud that I had nothing to fear »The gentleman said he
is trying to act a part for which he is by no means qualified if he had all
the inclination in the world it is not in his power to be mad His spirits are
too flat to be kindled into frenzy« »Tis no bad pppuff howowever
observed a person in a tarnished laced coat affffected mmadness wwill
ppass for wwit wwith nineninetteen out of ttwenty« »And affected
stuttering for humour replied our landlord tho God knows there is no
affinity betwixt them« It seems this wag after having made some abortive
attempts in plain speaking had recourse to this defect by means of which he
frequently extorted the laugh of the company without the least expence of
genius and that imperfection which he had at first counterfeited was now
become so habitual that he could not lay it aside
A certain winking genius who wore yellow gloves at dinner had on his
first introduction taken such offence at S because he looked and talked and
ate and drank like any other man that he spoke contemptuously of his
understanding ever after and never would repeat his visit until he had
exhibited the following proof of his caprice Wat Wyvil the poet having made
some unsuccessful advances towards an intimacy with S at last gave him to
understand by a third person that he had written a poem in his praise and a
satire against his person that if he would admit him to his house the first
should be immediately sent to press but that if he persisted in declining his
friendship he would publish the satire without delay S replied that he
looked upon Wyvils panegyrick as in effect a species of infamy and would
resent it accordingly with a good cudgel but if he published the satire he
might deserve his compassion and had nothing to fear from his revenge Wyvil
having considered the alternative resolved to mortify S by printing the
panegyrick for which he received a sound drubbing Then he swore the peace
against the aggressor who in order to avoid a prosecution at law admitted him
to his good graces It was the singularity in Ss conduct on this occasion
that reconciled him to the yellowgloved philosopher who owned he had some
genius and from that period cultivated his acquaintance
Curious to know upon what subjects the several talents of my fellowguests
were employed I applied to my communicative friend Dick Ivy who gave me to
understand that most of them were or had been understrappers or journeymen
to more creditable authors for whom they translated collated and compiled in
the business of bookmaking and that all of them had at different times
laboured in the service of our landlord though they had now set up for
themselves in various departments of literature Not only their talents but
also their nations and dialects were so various that our conversation resembled
the confusion of tongues at Babel We had the Irish brogue the Scotch accent
and foreign idiom twanged off by the most discordant vociferation for as they
all spoke together no man had any chance to be heard unless he could bawl
louder than his fellows It must be owned however there was nothing pedantic
in their discourse they carefully avoided all learned disquisitions and
endeavoured to be facetious nor did their endeavours always miscarry some
droll repartee passed and much laughter was excited and if any individual lost
his temper so far as to transgress the bounds of decorum he was effectually
checked by the master of the feast who exerted a sort of paternal authority
over this irritable tribe
The most learned philosopher of the whole collection who had been expelled
the university for atheism has made great progress in a refutation of lord
Bolingbrokes metaphysical works which is said to be equally ingenious and
orthodox but in the mean time he has been presented to the grand jury as a
public nuisance for having blasphemed in an alehouse on the Lords day The
Scotchman gives lectures on the pronunciation of the English language which he
is now publishing by subscription
The Irishman is a political writer and goes by the name of my Lord Potatoe
He wrote a pamphlet in vindication of a minister hoping his zeal would be
rewarded with some place or pension but finding himself neglected in that
quarter he whispered about that the pamphlet was written by the minister
himself and he published an answer to his own production In this he addressed
the author under the title of your lordship with such solemnity that the public
swallowed the deceit and bought up the whole impression The wise politicians
of the metropolis declared they were both masterly performances and chuckled
over the flimsy reveries of an ignorant garretteer as the profound speculations
of a veteran statesman acquainted with all the secrets of the cabinet The
imposture was detected in the sequel and our Hibernian pamphleteer retains no
part of his assumed importance but the bare title of my lord and the upper
part of the table at the potatoeordinary in Shoelane
Opposite to me sat a Piedmontese who had obliged the public with a humorous
satire intituled The Balance of the English Poets a performance which evinced
the great modesty and taste of the author and in particular his intimacy with
the elegancies of the English language The sage who laboured under the
agropobia or horror of green fields had just finished a treatise on practical
agriculture though in fact he had never seen corn growing in his life and
was so ignorant of grain that our entertainer in the face of the whole
company made him own that a plate of hominy was the best rice pudding he had
ever eat
The stutterer had almost finished his travels through Europe and part of
Asia without ever budging beyond the liberties of the Kings Bench except in
termtime with a tipstaff for his companion and as for little Tim Cropdale
the most facetious member of the whole society he had happily wound up the
catastrophe of a virgin tragedy from the exhibition of which he promised
himself a large fund of profit and reputation Tim had made shift to live many
years by writing novels at the rate of five pounds a volume but that branch of
business is now engrossed by female authors who publish merely for the
propagation of virtue with so much ease and spirit and delicacy and knowledge
of the human heart and all in the serene tranquillity of high life that the
reader is not only enchanted by their genius but reformed by their morality
After dinner we adjourned into the garden where I observed Mr S gave
a short separate audience to every individual in a small remote filbert walk
from whence most of them dropt off one after another without further ceremony
but they were replaced by fresh recruits of the same clan who came to make an
afternoons visit and among others a spruce bookseller called Birkin who
rode his own gelding and made his appearance in a pair of new jemmy boots with
massy spurs of plate It was not without reason that this midwife of the Muses
used exercise ahorseback for he was too fat to walk afoot and he underwent
some sarcasms from Tim Cropdale on his unweildy size and inaptitude for motion
Birkin who took umbrage at this poor authors petulance in presuming to joke
upon a man so much richer than himself told him he was not so unweildy but
that he could move the Marshalsea court for a writ and even overtake him with
it if he did not very speedily come and settle accounts with him respecting
the expence of publishing his last Ode to the king of Prussia of which he had
sold but three and one of them was to Whitefield the methodist Tim affected to
receive this intimation with good humour saying he expected in a post or two
from Potsdam a poem of thanks from his Prussian majesty who knew very well how
to pay poets in their own coin but in the mean time he proposed that Mr
Birkin and he should run three times round the garden for a bowl of punch to be
drank at Ashleys in the evening and he would run boots against stockings The
bookseller who valued himself upon his mettle was persuaded to accept the
challenge and he forthwith resigned his boots to Cropdale who when he had put
them on was no bad representation of captain Pistol in the play
Every thing being adjusted they started together with great impetuosity
and in the second round Birkin had clearly the advantage larding the lean
earth as he puffd along Cropdale had no mind to contest the victory further
but in a twinkling disappeared through the backdoor of the garden which
opened into a private lane that had communication with the high road The
spectators immediately began to hollow »Stole away« and Birkin set off in
pursuit of him with great eagerness but he had not advanced twenty yards in the
lane when a thorn running into his foot sent him hopping back into the garden
roaring with pain and swearing with vexation When he was delivered from this
annoyance by the Scotchman who had been bred to surgery he looked about him
wildly exclaiming »Sure the fellow wont be such a rogue as to run clear away
with my boots« Our landlord having reconnoitred the shoes he had left which
indeed hardly deserved that name »Pray said he Mr Birkin want your
boots made of calfskin« »Calfskin or cowskin replied the other Ill find
a slip of sheepskin that will do his business I lost twenty pounds by his
farce which you persuaded me to buy I am out of pocket five pounds by his
damnd ode and now this pair of boots bran new cost me thirty shillings as
per receipt But this affair of the boots is felony transportation Ill
have the dog indicted at the Old Bailey I will Mr S I will be revengd
even though I should lose my debt in consequence of his conviction«
Mr S said nothing at present but accommodated him with a pair of shoes
then ordered his servant to rub him down and comfort him with a glass of
rumpunch which seemed in a great measure to cool the rage of his
indignation »After all said our landlord this is no more than a humbug in
the way of wit though it deserves a more respectable epithet when considered
as an effort of invention Tim being I suppose out of credit with the
cordwainer fell upon this ingenious expedient to supply the want of shoes
knowing that Mr Birkin who loves humour would himself relish the joke upon a
little recollection Cropdale literally lives by his wit which he has exercised
upon all his friends in their turns He once borrowed my poney for five or six
days to go to Salisbury and sold him in Smithfield at his return This was a
joke of such a serious nature that in the first transports of my passion I
had some thoughts of prosecuting him for horsestealing and even when my
resentment had in some measure subsided as he industriously avoided me I
vowed I would take satisfaction on his ribs with the first opportunity One
day seeing him at some distance in the street coming towards me I began to
prepare my cane for action and walked in the shadow of a porter that he might
not perceive me soon enough to make his escape but in the very instant I had
lifted up the instrument of correction I found Tim Cropdale metamorphosed into
a miserable blind wretch feeling his way with a long stick from post to post
and rolling about two bald unlighted orbs instead of eyes I was exceedingly
shocked at having so narrowly escaped the concern and disgrace that would have
attended such a misapplication of vengeance but next day Tim prevailed upon a
friend of mine to come and solicit my forgiveness and offer his note payable
in six weeks for the price of the poney This gentleman gave me to
understand that the blind man was no other than Cropdale who having seen me
advancing and guessing my intent had immediately converted himself into the
object aforesaid I was so diverted at the ingenuity of the evasion that I
agreed to pardon his offence refusing his note however that I might keep a
prosecution for felony hanging over his head as a security for his future good
behaviour But Timothy would by no means trust himself in my hands till the
note was accepted then he made his appearance at my door as a blind beggar
and imposed in such a manner upon my man who had been his old acquaintance and
potcompanion that the fellow threw the door in his face and even threatened
to give him the bastinado Hearing a noise in the hall I went thither and
immediately recollecting the figure I had passed in the street accosted him by
his own name to the unspeakable astonishment of the footman«
Birkin declared he loved a joke as well as another but asked if any of the
company could tell where Mr Cropdale lodged that he might send him a proposal
about restitution before the boots should be made away with »I would willingly
give him a pair of new shoes said he and half a guinea into the bargain for
the boots which fitted me like a glove and I shant be able to get the fellows
of them till the good weather for riding is over« The stuttering wit declared
that the only secret which Cropdale ever kept was the place of his lodgings
but he believed that during the heats of summer he commonly took his repose
upon a bulk or indulged himself in fresco with one of the kennelnymphs
under the portico of St Martins church »Pox on him cried the bookseller he
might as well have taken my whip and spurs In that case he might have been
tempted to steal another horse and then he would have rid to the devil of
course«
After coffee I took my leave of Mr S with proper acknowledgments of his
civility and was extremely well pleased with the entertainment of the day
though not yet satisfied with respect to the nature of this connexion betwixt
a man of character in the literary world and a parcel of authorlings who in
all probability would never be able to acquire any degree of reputation by
their labours On this head I interrogated my conductor Dick Ivy who answered
me to this effect »One would imagine S had some view to his own interest in
giving countenance and assistance to those people whom he knows to be bad men
as well as bad writers but if he has any such view he will find himself
disappointed for if he is so vain as to imagine he can make them subservient to
his schemes of profit or ambition they are cunning enough to make him their
property in the mean time There is not one of the company you have seen today
myself excepted who does not owe him particular obligations One of them he
bailed out of a spunginghouse and afterwards paid the debt another he
translated into his family and cloathed when he was turned out half naked from
jail in consequence of an act for the relief of insolvent debtors a third who
was reduced to a woollen nightcap and lived upon sheeps trotters up three
pair of stairs backward in Butcherrow he took into present pay and free
quarters and enabled him to appear as a gentleman without having the fear of
sheriffs officers before his eyes Those who are in distress he supplies with
money when he has it and with his credit when he is out of cash When they want
business he either finds employment for them in his own service or recommends
them to booksellers to execute some project he has formed for their subsistence
They are always welcome to his table which though plain is plentiful and to
his good offices as far as they will go and when they see occasion they make
use of his name with the most petulant familiarity nay they do not even
scruple to arrogate to themselves the merit of some of his performances and
have been known to sell their own lucubrations as the produce of his brain The
Scotchman you saw at dinner once personated him at an alehouse in
WestSmithfield and in the character of S had his head broke by a
cowkeeper for having spoke disrespectfully of the Christian religion but he
took the law of him in his own person and the assailant was fain to give him
ten pounds to withdraw his action«
I observed that all this appearance of liberality on the side of Mr S
was easily accounted for on the supposition that they flattered him in private
and engaged his adversaries in public and yet I was astonished when I
recollected that I often had seen this writer virulently abused in papers
poems and pamphlets and not a pen was drawn in his defence »But you will be
more astonished said he when I assure you those very guests whom you saw at
his table today were the authors of great part of that abuse and he himself
is well aware of their particular favours for they are all eager to detect and
betray one another« »But this is doing the devils work for nothing cried
I What should induce them to revile their benefactor without provocation«
»Envy answered Dick is the general incitement but they are galled by an
additional scourge of provocation S directs a literary journal in which
their productions are necessarily brought to trial and though many of them have
been treated with such lenity and favour as they little deserved yet the
slightest censure such as perhaps could not be avoided with any pretensions
to candour and impartiality has rankled in the hearts of those authors to such
a degree that they have taken immediate vengeance on the critic in anonymous
libels letters and lampoons Indeed all the writers of the age good bad
and indifferent from the moment he assumed this office became his enemies
either professed or in petto except those of his friends who knew they had
nothing to fear from his strictures and he must be a wiser man than me who can
tell what advantage or satisfaction he derives from having brought such a nest
of hornets about his ears«
I owned that was a point which might deserve consideration but still I
expressed a desire to know his real motives for continuing his friendship to a
set of rascals equally ungrateful and insignificant He said he did not
pretend to assign any reasonable motive that if the truth must be told the
man was in point of conduct a most incorrigible fool that though he
pretended to have a knack at hitting off characters he blundered strangely in
the distribution of his favours which were generally bestowed on the most
undeserving of those who had recourse to his assistance that indeed this
preference was not so much owing to want of discernment as to want of
resolution for he had not fortitude enough to resist the importunity even of
the most worthless and as he did not know the value of money there was very
little merit in parting with it so easily that his pride was gratified in
seeing himself courted by such a number of literary dependants that probably
he delighted in hearing them expose and traduce one another and finally from
their information he became acquainted with all the transactions of
Grubstreet which he had some thoughts of compiling for the entertainment of
the public
I could not help suspecting from Dicks discourse that he had some
particular grudge against S upon whose conduct he had put the worst
construction it would bear and by dint of crossexamination I found he was
not at all satisfied with the character which had been given in the Review of
his last performance though it had been treated civilly in consequence of the
authors application to the critic By all accounts S is not without weakness
and caprice but he is certainly goodhumoured and civilized nor do I find
that there is any thing overbearing cruel or implacable in his disposition
I have dwelt so long upon authors that you will perhaps suspect I intend to
enroll myself among the fraternity but if I were actually qualified for the
profession it is at best but a desperate resource against starving as it
affords no provision for old age and infirmity Salmon at the age of fourscore
is now in a garret compiling matter at a guinea a sheet for a modern
historian who in point of age might be his grandchild and Psalmonazar
after having drudged half a century in the literary mill in all the simplicity
and abstinence of an Asiatic subsists upon the charity of a few booksellers
just sufficient to keep him from the parish I think Guy who was himself a
bookseller ought to have appropriated one wing or ward of his hospital to the
use of decayed authors though indeed there is neither hospital college nor
workhouse within the bills of mortality large enough to contain the poor of
this society composed as it is from the refuse of every other profession
I know not whether you will find any amusement in this account of an odd
race of mortals whose constitution had I own greatly interested the curiosity
of
Yours
J MELFORD
London June 10
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My dear Letty
There is something on my spirits which I should not venture to communicate
by the post but having the opportunity of Mrs Brentwoods return I seize it
eagerly to disburthen my poor heart which is oppressed with fear and vexation
O Letty what a miserable situation it is to be without a friend to whom one
can apply for counsel and consolation in distress I hinted in my last that one
Mr Barton had been very particular in his civilities I can no longer mistake
his meaning he has formally professed himself my admirer and after a
thousand assiduities perceiving I made but a cold return to his addresses he
had recourse to the mediation of lady Griskin who has acted the part of a very
warm advocate in his behalf but my dear Willis her ladyship overacts her
part she not only expatiates on the ample fortune the great connexions and
the unblemished character of Mr Barton but she takes the trouble to catechise
me and two days ago peremptorily told me that a girl of my age could not
possibly resist so many considerations if her heart was not preengaged
This insinuation threw me into such a flutter that she could not but
observe my disorder and presuming upon the discovery insisted upon my making
her the confidante of my passion But although I had not such command of myself
as to conceal the emotion of my heart I am not such a child as to disclose its
secrets to a person who would certainly use them to its prejudice I told her
it was no wonder if I was out of countenance at her introducing a subject of
conversation so unsuitable to my years and inexperience that I believed Mr
Barton was a very worthy gentleman and I was much obliged to him for his good
opinion but the affections were involuntary and mine in particular had as
yet made no concessions in his favour She shook her head with an air of
distrust that made me tremble and observed that if my affections were free
they would submit to the decision of prudence especially when enforced by the
authority of those who had a right to direct my conduct This remark implied a
design to interest my uncle or my aunt perhaps my brother in behalf of Mr
Bartons passion and I am sadly afraid that my aunt is already gained over
Yesterday in the forenoon he had been walking with us in the Park and stopping
in our return at a toyshop he presented her with a very fine snuffbox and me
with a gold etuis which I resolutely refused till she commanded me to accept
it on pain of her displeasure nevertheless being still unsatisfied with
respect to the propriety of receiving this toy I signified my doubts to my
brother who said he would consult my uncle on the subject and seemed to think
Mr Barton had been rather premature in his presents
What will be the result of this consultation Heaven knows but I am afraid
it will produce an explanation with Mr Barton who will no doubt avow his
passion and solicit their consent to a connexion which my soul abhors for my
dearest Letty it is not in my power to love Mr Barton even if my heart was
untouched by any other tenderness Not that there is any thing disagreeable
about his person but there is a total want of that nameless charm which
captivates and controuls the inchanted spirit at least he appears to me to
have this defect but if he had all the engaging qualifications which a man can
possess they would be excited in vain against that constancy which I flatter
myself is the characteristic of my nature No my dear Willis I may be
involved in fresh troubles and I believe I shall from the importunities of
this gentleman and the violence of my relations but my heart is incapable of
change
You know I put no faith in dreams and yet I have been much disturbed by
one that visited me last night I thought I was in a church where a certain
person whom you know was on the point of being married to my aunt that the
clergyman was Mr Barton and that poor forlorn I stood weeping in a corner
half naked and without shoes or stockings Now I know there is nothing so
childish as to be moved by those vain illusions but nevertheless in spite of
all my reason this hath made a strong impression upon my mind which begins to
be very gloomy Indeed I have another more substantial cause of affliction I
have some religious scruples my dear friend which lie heavy on my conscience
I was persuaded to go to the Tabernacle where I heard a discourse that
affected me deeply I have prayed fervently to be enlightened but as yet I am
not sensible of these inward motions those operations of grace which are the
signs of a regenerated spirit and therefore I begin to be in terrible
apprehensions about the state of my poor soul Some of our family have had very
uncommon accessions particularly my aunt and Mrs Jenkins who sometimes speak
as if they were really inspired so that I am not like to want for either
exhortation or example to purify my thoughts and recall them from the vanities
of this world which indeed I would willingly resign if it was in my power
but to make this sacrifice I must be enabled by such assistance from above as
hath not yet been indulged to
Your unfortunate friend
LYDIA MELFORD
June 10
To Sir Watkin Phillips of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
The moment I received your letter I began to execute your commission With
the assistance of mine host at the Bull and Gate I discovered the place to
which your fugitive valet had retreated and taxed him with his dishonesty The
fellow was in manifest confusion at sight of me but he denied the charge with
great confidence till I told him that if he would give up the watch which was
a family piece he might keep the money and the clothes and go to the devil his
own way at his leisure but if he rejected this proposal I would deliver him
forthwith to the constable whom I had provided for that purpose and he would
carry him before the justice without further delay After some hesitation he
desired to speak with me in the next room where he produced the watch with all
its appendages and I have delivered it to our landlord to be sent you by the
first safe conveyance So much for business
I shall grow vain upon your saying you find entertainment in my letters
barren as they certainly are of incident and importance because your
amusement must arise not from the matter but from the manner which you know
is all my own Animated therefore by the approbation of a person whose nice
taste and consummate judgment I can no longer doubt I will chearfully proceed
with our memoirs As it is determined we shall set out next week for Yorkshire
I went today in the forenoon with my uncle to see a carriage belonging to a
coachmaker in our neighbourhood Turning down a narrow lane behind Longacre
we perceived a crowd of people standing at a door which it seems opened into
a kind of a methodist meeting and were informed that a footman was then
holding forth to the congregation within Curious to see this phoenomenon we
squeezed into the place with much difficulty and who should this preacher be
but the identical Humphry Clinker He had finished his sermon and given out a
psalm the first stave of which he sung with peculiar graces But if we were
astonished to see Clinker in the pulpit we were altogether confounded at
finding all the females of our family among the audience There was lady
Griskin Mrs Tabitha Bramble Mrs Winifred Jenkins my sister Liddy and Mr
Barton and all of them joined in the psalmody with strong marks of devotion
I could hardly keep my gravity on this ludicrous occasion but old
Squaretoes was differently affected The first thing that struck him was the
presumption of his lacquey whom he commanded to come down with such an air of
authority as Humphry did not think proper to disregard He descended
immediately and all the people were in commotion Barton looked exceedingly
sheepish lady Griskin flirted her fan Mrs Tabby groaned in spirit Liddy
changed countenance and Mrs Jenkins sobbed as if her heart was breaking My
uncle with a sneer asked pardon of the ladies for having interrupted their
devotion saying he had particular business with the preacher whom he ordered
to call a hackneycoach This being immediately brought up to the end of the
lane he handed Liddy into it and my aunt and I following him we drove home
without taking any further notice of the rest of the company who still remained
in silent astonishment
Mr Bramble perceiving Liddy in great trepidation assumed a milder aspect
bidding her be under no concern for he was not at all displeased at any thing
she had done »I have no objection said he to your being religiously
inclined but I dont think my servant is a proper ghostly director for a
devotee of your sex and character if in fact as I rather believe your aunt
is not the sole conductress of this machine « Mrs Tabitha made no answer but
threw up the white of her eyes as if in the act of ejaculation Poor Liddy
said she had no right to the title of a devotee that she thought there was no
harm in hearing a pious discourse even if it came from a footman especially as
her aunt was present but that if she had erred from ignorance she hoped he
would excuse it as she could not bear the thoughts of living under his
displeasure The old gentleman pressing her hand with a tender smile said she
was a good girl and that he did not believe her capable of doing any thing that
could give him the least umbrage or disgust
When we arrived at our lodgings he commanded Mr Clinker to attend him up
stairs and spoke to him in these words »Since you are called upon by the
spirit to preach and to teach it is high time to lay aside the livery of an
earthly master and for my part I am unworthy to have an apostle in my service
« »I hope said Humphry I have not failed in my duty to your honour I should
be a vile wretch if I did considering the misery from which your charity and
compassion relieved me but having an inward admonition of the spirit « »An
admonition of the devil cried the squire in a passion What admonition you
blockhead What right has such a fellow as you to set up for a reformer«
»Begging your honours pardon replied Clinker may not the new light of Gods
grace shine upon the poor and the ignorant in their humility as well as upon
the wealthy and the philosopher in all his pride of human learning« »What you
imagine to be the new light of grace said his master I take to be a deceitful
vapour glimmering through a crack in your upper story In a word Mr Clinker
I will have no light in my family but what pays the kings taxes unless it be
the light of reason which you dont pretend to follow«
»Ah sir cried Humphry the light of reason is no more in comparison to
the light I mean than a farthing candle to the sun at noon « »Very true said
uncle the one will serve to shew you your way and the other to dazzle and
confound your weak brain Hearkye Clinker you are either an hypocritical
knave or a wrongheaded enthusiast and in either case unfit for my service
If you are a quack in sanctity and devotion you will find it an easy matter to
impose upon silly women and others of crazed understanding who will contribute
lavishly for your support if you are really seduced by the reveries of a
disturbed imagination the sooner you lose your senses entirely the better for
yourself and the community In that case some charitable person might provide
you with a dark room and clean straw in Bedlam where it would not be in your
power to infect others with your fanaticism whereas if you have just
reflection enough left to maintain the character of a chosen vessel in the
meetings of the godly you and your hearers will be misled by a Willithewisp
from one error into another till you are plunged into religious frenzy and
then perhaps you will hang yourself in despair « »Which the Lord of his
infinite mercy forbid exclaimed the affrighted Clinker It is very possible I
may be under the temptation of the devil who wants to wreck me on the rocks of
spiritual pride Your honour says I am either a knave or a madman now as
Ill assure your honour I am no knave it follows that I must be mad therefore
I beseech your honour upon my knees to take my case into consideration that
means may be used for my recovery «
The squire could not help smiling at the poor fellows simplicity and
promised to take care of him provided he would mind the business of his place
without running after the newlight of methodism but Mrs Tabitha took offence
at his humility which she interpreted into poorness of spirit and worldly
mindedness She upbraided him with the want of courage to suffer for conscience
sake She observed that if he should lose his place for bearing testimony to
the truth Providence would not fail to find him another perhaps more
advantageous and declaring that it could not be very agreeable to live in a
family where an inquisition was established retired to another room in great
agitation
My uncle followed her with a significant look then turning to the
preacher »You hear what my sister says If you cannot live with me upon such
terms as I have prescribed the vineyard of methodism lies before you and she
seems very well disposed to reward your labour « »I would not willingly give
offence to any soul upon earth answered Humphry her ladyship has been very
good to me ever since we came to London and surely she has a heart turned for
religious exercises and both she and lady Griskin sing psalms and hymns like
two cherubims But at the same time Im bound to love and obey your honour
It becometh not such a poor ignorant fellow as me to hold dispute with
gentlemen of rank and learning As for the matter of knowledge I am no more
than a beast in comparison of your honour therefore I submit and with Gods
grace I will follow you to the worlds end if you dont think me too far gone
to be out of confinement «
His master promised to keep him for some time longer on trial then desired
to know in what manner lady Griskin and Mr Barton came to join their religious
society He told him that her ladyship was the person who first carried my aunt
and sister to the Tabernacle whither he attended them and had his devotion
kindled by Mr Ws preaching that he was confirmed in this new way by the
preachers sermons which he had bought and studied with great attention that
his discourse and prayers had brought over Mrs Jenkins and the housemaid to
the same way of thinking but as for Mr Barton he had never seen him at
service before this day when he came in company with lady Griskin Humphry
moreover owned that he had been encouraged to mount the rostrum by the example
and success of a weaver who was much followed as a powerful minister that on
his first trial he found himself under such strong impulsions as made him
believe he was certainly moved by the spirit and that he had assisted in lady
Griskins and several private houses at exercises of devotion
Mr Bramble was no sooner informed that her ladyship had acted as the
primum mobile of this confederacy than he concluded she had only made use of
Clinker as a tool subservient to the execution of some design to the true
secret of which he was an utter stranger He observed that her ladyships
brain was a perfect mill for projects and that she and Tabby had certainly
engaged in some secret treaty the nature of which he could not comprehend I
told him I thought it was no difficult matter to perceive the drift of Mrs
Tabitha which was to ensnare the heart of Barton and that in all likelihood my
lady Griskin acted as her auxiliary that this supposition would account for
their endeavours to convert him to methodism an event which would occasion a
connexion of souls that might be easily improved into a matrimonial union
My uncle seemed to be much diverted by the thoughts of this schemes
succeeding but I gave him to understand that Barton was preengaged that he
had the day before made a present of an etuis to Liddy which her aunt had
obliged her to receive with a view no doubt to countenance her own accepting
of a snuffbox at the same time that my sister having made me acquainted with
this incident I had desired an explanation of Mr Barton who declared his
intentions were honourable and expressed his hope that I would have no
objections to his alliance that I had thanked him for the honour he intended
our family but told him it would be necessary to consult her uncle and aunt
who were her guardians and their approbation being obtained I could have no
objection to his proposal though I was persuaded that no violence would be
offered to my sisters inclinations in a transaction that so nearly interested
the happiness of her future life that he had assured me he should never think
of availing himself of a guardians authority unless he could render his
addresses agreeable to the young lady herself and that he would immediately
demand permission of Mr and Mrs Bramble to make Liddy a tender of his hand
and fortune
The squire was not insensible to the advantages of such a match and
declared he would promote it with all his influence but when I took notice that
there seemed to be an aversion on the side of Liddy he said he would sound her
on the subject and if her reluctance was such as would not be easily overcome
he would civilly decline the proposal of Mr Barton for he thought that in the
choice of a husband a young woman ought not to sacrifice the feelings of her
heart for any consideration upon earth »Liddy is not so desperate said he as
to worship fortune at such an expense« I take it for granted this whole affair
will end in smoke though there seems to be a storm brewing in the quarter of
Mrs Tabby who sat with all the sullen dignity of silence at dinner seemingly
pregnant with complaint and expostulation As she hath certainly marked Barton
for her own prey she cannot possibly favour his suit to Liddy and therefore I
expect something extraordinary will attend his declaring himself my sisters
admirer This declaration will certainly be made in form as soon as the lover
can pick up resolution enough to stand the brunt of Mrs Tabbys disappointment
for he is without doubt aware of her designs upon his person The particulars
of the denouement you shall know in due season mean while I am
always yours
J MELFORD
London June 10
To Dr Lewis
Dear Lewis
The deceitful calm was of short duration I am plunged again in a sea of
vexation and the complaints in my stomach and bowels are returned so that I
suppose I shall be disabled from prosecuting the excursion I had planned What
the devil had I to do to come a plague hunting with a leash of females in my
train Yesterday my precious sister who by the bye has been for some time a
professed methodist came into my apartment attended by Mr Barton and desired
an audience with a very stately air »Brother said she this gentleman has
something to propose which I flatter myself will be the more acceptable as it
will rid you of a troublesome companion« Then Mr Barton proceeded to this
effect »I am indeed extremely ambitious of being allied to your family Mr
Bramble and I hope you will see no cause to interpose your authority« »As
for authority said Tabby interrupting him with some warmth I know of none
that he has a right to use on this occasion If I pay him the compliment of
making him acquainted with the step I intend to take it is all he can expect in
reason This is as much as I believe he would do by me if he intended to
change his own situation in life In a word brother I am so sensible of Mr
Bartons extraordinary merit that I have been prevailed upon to alter my
resolution of living a single life and to put my happiness in his hands by
vesting him with a legal title to my person and fortune such as they are The
business at present is to have the writings drawn and I shall be obliged to
you if you will recommend a lawyer to me for that purpose «
You may guess what an effect this overture had upon me who from the
information of my nephew expected that Barton was to make a formal declaration
of his passion for Liddy I could not help gazing in silent astonishment
alternately at Tabby and her supposed admirer which last hung his head in the
most aukward confusion for a few minutes and then retired on pretence of being
suddenly seized with a vertigo Mrs Tabitha affected much concern and would
have had him make use of a bed in the house but he insisted upon going home
that he might have recourse to some drops which he kept for such emergencies
and his inamorata acquiesced In the mean time I was exceedingly puzzled at
this adventure though I suspected the truth and did not know in what manner
to demean myself towards Mrs Tabitha when Jery came in and told me he had
just seen Mr Barton alight from his chariot at lady Griskins door This
incident seemed to threaten a visit from her ladyship with which we were
honoured accordingly in less than half an hour »I find said she there has
been a match of cross purposes among you good folks and Im come to set you to
rights « So saying she presented me with the following billet
»Dear Sir
I no sooner recollected myself from the extreme confusion I was
thrown into by that unlucky mistake of your sister than I thought it
my duty to assure you that my devoirs to Mrs Bramble never exceeded
the bounds of ordinary civility and that my heart is unalterably fixed
upon Miss Liddy Melford as I had the honour to declare to her brother
when he questioned me upon that subject Lady Griskin has been so good
as to charge herself not only with the delivery of this note but also
with the task of undeceiving Mrs Bramble for whom I have the most
profound respect and veneration though my affection being otherwise
engaged is no longer in the power of
Sir
your very humble servant
RALPH BARTON«
Having cast my eyes over this billet I told her ladyship that I would no
longer retard the friendly office she had undertaken and I and Jery forthwith
retired into another room There we soon perceived the conversation grow very
warm betwixt the two ladies and at length could distinctly hear certain terms
of altercation which we could no longer delay interrupting with any regard to
decorum When we entered the scene of contention we found Liddy had joined the
disputants and stood trembling betwixt them as if she had been afraid they
would have proceeded to something more practical than words Lady Griskins
face was like the full moon in a storm of wind glaring fiery and portentuous
while Tabby looked grim and ghastly with an aspect breathing discord and
dismay Our appearance put a stop to their mutual revilings but her ladyship
turning to me »Cousin said she I cant help saying I have met with a very
ungrateful return from this lady for the pains I have taken to serve her family
« »My family is much obliged to your ladyship cried Tabby with a kind of
hysterical giggle but we have no right to the good offices of such an
honourable gobetween« »But for all that good Mrs Tabitha Bramble resumed
the other I shall be content with the reflection that virtue is its own
reward and it shall not be my fault if you continue to make yourself
ridiculous Mr Bramble who has no little interest of his own to serve will
no doubt contribute all in his power to promote a match betwixt Mr Barton and
his niece which will be equally honourable and advantageous and I dare say
miss Liddy herself will have no objection to a measure so well calculated to
make her happy in life « »I beg your ladyships pardon exclaimed Liddy with
great vivacity I have nothing but misery to expect from such a measure and I
hope my guardians will have too much compassion to barter my peace of mind for
any consideration of interest or fortune « »Upon my word miss Liddy said
she you have profited by the example of your good aunt I comprehend your
meaning and will explain it when I have a proper opportunity In the mean
time I shall take my leave Madam your most obedient and devoted humble
servant« said she advancing close up to my sister and curtsying so low that
I thought she intended to squat herself down on the floor This salutation
Tabby returned with equal solemnity and the expression of the two faces while
they continued in this attitude would be no bad subject for a pencil like that
of the incomparable Hogarth if any such should ever appear again in these
times of dulness and degeneracy
Jery accompanied her ladyship to her house that he might have an
opportunity to restore the etuis to Barton and advise him to give up his suit
which was so disagreeable to his sister against whom however he returned much
irritated Lady Griskin had assured him that Liddys heart was preoccupied
and immediately the idea of Wilson recurring to his imagination his
familypride took the alarm He denounced vengeance against that adventurer
and was disposed to be very peremptory with his sister but I desired he would
suppress his resentment until I should have talked with her in private
The poor girl when I earnestly pressed her on this head owned with a
flood of tears that Wilson had actually come to the Hot Well at Bristol and
even introduced himself into our lodgings as a Jew pedlar but that nothing had
passed betwixt them further than her begging him to withdraw immediately if he
had any regard for her peace of mind that he had disappeared accordingly after
having attempted to prevail upon my sisters maid to deliver a letter which
however she refused to receive though she had consented to carry a message
importing that he was a gentleman of a good family and that in a very little
time he would avow his passion in that character She confessed that although
he had not kept his word in this particular he was not yet altogether
indifferent to her affection but solemnly promised she would never carry on
any correspondence with him or any other admirer for the future without the
privity and approbation of her brother and me
By this declaration she made her own peace with Jery but the hotheaded
boy is more than ever incensed against Wilson whom he now considers as an
impostor that harbours some infamous design upon the honour of his family As
for Barton he was not a little mortified to find his present returned and his
addresses so unfavourably received but he is not a man to be deeply affected by
such disappointments and I know not whether he is not as well pleased with
being discarded by Liddy as he would have been with a permission to prosecute
his pretensions at the risque of being every day exposed to the revenge or
machinations of Tabby who is not to be slighted with impunity I had not much
time to moralize on these occurrences for the house was visited by a constable
and his gang with a warrant from justice Buzzard to search the box of Humphry
Clinker my footman who was just apprehended as a highwayman This incident
threw the whole family into confusion My sister scolded the constable for
presuming to enter the lodgings of a gentleman on such an errand without having
first asked and obtained permission her maid was frightened into fits and
Liddy shed tears of compassion for the unfortunate Clinker in whose box
however nothing was found to confirm the suspicion of robbery
For my own part I made no doubt of the fellows being mistaken for some
other person and I went directly to the justice in order to procure his
discharge but there I found the matter much more serious than I expected Poor
Clinker stood trembling at the bar surrounded by thieftakers and at a little
distance a thick squat fellow a postilion his accuser who had seized him in
the street and swore positively to his person that the said Clinker had on
the 15th day of March last on Blackheath robbed a gentleman in a postchaise
which he the postilion drove This deposition was sufficient to justify his
commitment and he was sent accordingly to Clerkenwell prison whither Jery
accompanied him in the coach in order to recommend him properly to the keeper
that he may want for no convenience which the place affords
The spectators who assembled to see this highwayman were sagacious enough
to discern something very villainous in his aspect which begging their pardon
is the very picture of simplicity and the justice himself put a very
unfavourable construction upon some of his answers which he said savoured of
the ambiguity and equivocation of an old offender but in my opinion it would
have been more just and humane to impute them to the confusion into which we may
suppose a poor country lad to be thrown on such an occasion I am still
persuaded he is innocent and in this persuasion I can do no less than use my
utmost endeavours that he may not be oppressed I shall tomorrow send my
nephew to wait on the gentleman who was robbed and beg he will have the
humanity to go and see the prisoner that in case he should find him quite
different from the person of the highwayman he may bear testimony in his behalf
Howsoever it may fare with Clinker this cursed affair will be to me
productive of intolerable chagrin I have already caught a dreadful cold by
rushing into the open air from the justices parlour where I had been stewing
in the crowd and though I should not be laid up with the gout as I believe I
shall I must stay at London for some weeks till this poor devil comes to his
trial at Rochester so that in all probability my northern expedition is blown
up
If you can find any thing in your philosophical budget to console me in the
midst of these distresses and apprehensions pray let it be communicated to
your unfortunate friend
MATT BRAMBLE
London June 12
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Wat
The farce is finished and another piece of a graver cast brought upon the
stage Our aunt made a desperate attack upon Barton who had no other way of
saving himself but by leaving her in possession of the field and avowing his
pretensions to Liddy by whom he has been rejected in his turn Lady Griskin
acted as his advocate and agent on this occasion with such zeal as embroiled
her with Mrs Tabitha and a high scene of altercation passed betwixt these two
religionists which might have come to action had not my uncle interposed They
are however reconciled in consequence of an event which hath involved us all in
trouble and disquiet You must know the poor preacher Humphry Clinker is now
exercising his ministry among the felons in Clerkenwell prison A postilion
having sworn a robbery against him no bail could be taken and he was committed
to jail notwithstanding all the remonstrances and interest my uncle could make
in his behalf
All things considered the poor fellow cannot possibly be guilty and yet I
believe he runs some risque of being hanged Upon his examination he
answered with such hesitation and reserve as persuaded most of the people who
crowded the place that he was really a knave and the justices remarks
confirmed their opinion Exclusive of my uncle and myself there was only one
person who seemed inclined to favour the culprit He was a young man well
dressed and from the manner in which he crossexamined the evidence we took
it for granted that he was a student in one of the inns of court He freely
checked the justice for some uncharitable inferences he made to the prejudice of
the prisoner and even ventured to dispute with his worship on certain points of
law
My uncle provoked at the unconnected and dubious answers of Clinker who
seemed in danger of falling a sacrifice to his own simplicity exclaimed »In
the name of God if you are innocent say so« »No cried he God forbid that
I should call myself innocent while my conscience is burthened with sin« »What
then you did commit this robbery« resumed his master »No sure said he
blessed be the Lord Im free of that guilt«
Here the justice interposed observing that the man seemed inclined to make
a discovery by turning kings evidence and desired the clerk to take his
confession upon which Humphry declared that he looked upon confession to be a
popish fraud invented by the whore of Babylon The templar affirmed that the
poor fellow was non compos and exhorted the justice to discharge him as a
lunatic »You know very well added he that the robbery in question was not
committed by the prisoner«
The thieftakers grinned at one another and Mr Justice Buzzard replied
with great emotion »Mr Martin I desire you will mind your own business I
shall convince you one of these days that I understand mine« In short there
was no remedy the mittimus was made out and poor Clinker sent to prison in a
hackneycoach guarded by the constable and accompanied by your humble servant
By the way I was not a little surprised to hear this retainer to justice bid
the prisoner to keep up his spirits for that he did not at all doubt but that
he would get off for a few weeks confinement He said his worship knew very
well that Clinker was innocent of the fact and that the real highwayman who
robbed the chaise was no other than that very individual Mr Martin who had
pleaded so strenuously for honest Humphry
Confounded at this information I asked »Why then is he suffered to go
about at his liberty and this poor innocent fellow treated as a malefactor«
»We have exact intelligence of all Mr Martins transactions said he but as
yet there is not evidence sufficient for his conviction and as for this young
man the justice could do no less than commit him as the postilion swore
pointblank to his identity« »So if this rascally postilion should persist in
the falsity to which he has sworn said I this innocent lad may be brought to
the gallows«
The constable observed that he would have time enough to prepare for his
trial and might prove an alibi or perhaps Martin might be apprehended and
convicted for another fact in which case he might be prevailed upon to take
this affair upon himself or finally if these chances should fail and the
evidence stand good against Clinker the jury might recommend him to mercy in
consideration of his youth especially if this should appear to be the first
fact of which he had been guilty
Humphry owned he could not pretend to recollect where he had been on the
day when the robbery was committed much less prove a circumstance of that kind
so far back as six months though he knew he had been sick of the fever and
ague which however did not prevent him from going about then turning up
his eyes he ejaculated »The Lords will be done if it be my fate to suffer I
hope I shall not disgrace the faith of which though unworthy I make
profession«
When I expressed my surprize that the accuser should persist in charging
Clinker without taking the least notice of the real robber who stood before
him and to whom indeed Humphry bore not the smallest resemblance the
constable who was himself a thieftaker gave me to understand that Mr Martin
was the best qualified for business of all the gentlemen on the road he had ever
known that he had always acted on his own bottom without partner or
correspondent and never went to work but when he was cool and sober that his
courage and presence of mind never failed him that his address was genteel and
his behaviour void of all cruelty and insolence that he never encumbered
himself with watches or trinkets nor even with banknotes but always dealt for
ready money and that in the current coin of the kingdom and that he could
disguise himself and his horse in such a manner that after the action it was
impossible to recognize either the one or the other »This great man said he
has reigned paramount in all the roads within fifty miles of London above
fifteen months and has done more business in that time than all the rest of
the profession put together for those who pass through his hands are so
delicately dealt with that they have no desire to give him the least
disturbance but for all that his race is almost run he is now fluttering
about justice like a moth about a candle there are so many limetwigs laid in
his way that Ill bett a cool hundred he swings before Christmas«
Shall I own to you that this portrait drawn by a ruffian heightened by
what I myself had observed in his deportment has interested me warmly in the
fate of poor Martin whom nature seems to have intended for a useful and
honourable member of that community upon which he now preys for subsistence It
seems he lived some time as a clerk to a timbermerchant whose daughter Martin
having privately married was discarded and his wife turned out of doors She
did not long survive her marriage and Martin turning fortunehunter could not
supply his occasions any other way than by taking to the road in which he has
travelled hitherto with uncommon success He pays his respects regularly to
Mr Justice Buzzard the thiefcatchergeneral of this metropolis and sometimes
they smoke a pipe together very lovingly when the conversation generally turns
upon the nature of evidence The justice has given him fair warning to take
care of himself and he has received his caution in good part Hitherto he has
baffled all the vigilance art and activity of Buzzard and his emissaries with
such conduct as would have done honour to the genius of a Cæsar or a Turenne
but he has one weakness which has proved fatal to all the heroes of his tribe
namely an indiscreet devotion to the fair sex and in all probability he will
be attacked on this defenceless quarter
Be that as it may I saw the body of poor Clinker consigned to the gaoler of
Clerkenwell to whose indulgence I recommended him so effectually that he
received him in the most hospitable manner though there was a necessity for
equipping him with a suit of irons in which he made a very rueful appearance
The poor creature seemed as much affected by my uncles kindness as by his own
misfortune When I assured him that nothing should be left undone for procuring
his enlargement and making his confinement easy in the mean time he fell down
on his knees and kissing my hand which he bathed with his tears »O squire
cried he sobbing what shall I say I cant no I cant speak my poor
heart is bursting with gratitude to you and my dear dear generous noble
benefactor«
I protest the scene became so pathetic that I was fain to force myself
away and returned to my uncle who sent me in the afternoon with a compliment
to one Mr Mead the person who had been robbed on Blackheath As I did not
find him at home I left a message in consequence of which he called at our
lodgings this morning and very humanely agreed to visit the prisoner By this
time lady Griskin had come to make her formal compliments of condolance to Mrs
Tabitha on this domestic calamity and that prudent maiden whose passion was
now cooled thought proper to receive her ladyship so civilly that a
reconciliation immediately ensued These two ladies resolved to comfort the poor
prisoner in their own persons and Mr Mead and I squired them to Clerkenwell
my uncle being detained at home by some slight complaints in his stomach and
bowels
The turnkey who received us at Clerkenwell looked remarkably sullen and
when we enquired for Clinker »I dont care if the devil had him said he
here has been nothing but canting and praying since the fellow entered the
place Rabbit him the tap will be ruined we hant sold a cask of beer nor
a dozen of wine since he paid his garnish the gentlemen get drunk with
nothing but your damned religion For my part I believe as how your man deals
with the devil Two or three as bold hearts as ever took the air upon
Hounslow have been blubbering all night and if the fellow ant speedily
removed by Habeas Corpus or otherwise Ill be damnd if theres a grain of
true spirit left within these walls we shant have a soul to do credit to the
place or make his exit like a trueborn Englishman damn my eyes there will
be nothing but snivelling in the cart we shall all die like so many
psalmsinging weavers«
In short we found that Humphry was at that very instant haranguing the
felons in the chapel and that the gaolers wife and daughter together with my
aunts woman Win Jenkins and our housemaid were among their audience which
we immediately joined I never saw any thing so strongly picturesque as this
congregation of felons clanking their chains in the midst of whom stood orator
Clinker expatiating in a transport of fervour on the torments of hell
denounced in scripture against evildoers comprehending murderers robbers
thieves and whoremongers The variety of attention exhibited in the faces of
those ragamuffins formed a groupe that would not have disgraced the pencil of a
Raphael In one it denoted admiration in another doubt in a third disdain
in a fourth contempt in a fifth terror in a sixth derision and in a
seventh indignation As for Mrs Winifred Jenkins she was in tears
overwhelmed with sorrow but whether for her own sins or the misfortune of
Clinker I cannot pretend to say The other females seemed to listen with a
mixture of wonder and devotion The gaolers wife declared he was a saint in
trouble saying she wished from her heart there was such another good soul
like him in every gaol in England
Mr Mead having earnestly surveyed the preacher declared his appearance
was so different from that of the person who robbed him on Blackheath that he
could freely make oath he was not the man but Humphry himself was by this time
pretty well rid of all apprehensions of being hanged for he had been the night
before solemnly tried and acquitted by his fellowprisoners some of whom he had
already converted to methodism He now made proper acknowledgments for the
honour of our visit and was permitted to kiss the hands of the ladies who
assured him he might depend upon their friendship and protection Lady Griskin
in her great zeal exhorted his fellowprisoners to profit by the precious
opportunity of having such a saint in bonds among them and turn over a new leaf
for the benefit of their poor souls and that her admonition might have the
greater effect she reinforced it with her bounty
While she and Mrs Tabby returned in the coach with the two maidservants I
waited on Mr Mead to the house of justice Buzzard who having heard his
declaration said his oath could be of no use at present but that it would be a
material evidence for the prisoner at his trial so that there seems to be no
remedy but patience for poor Clinker and indeed the same virtue or medicine
will be necessary for us all the squire in particular who had set his heart
upon his excursion to the northward
While we were visiting honest Humphry in Clerkenwell prison my uncle
received a much more extraordinary visit at his own lodgings Mr Martin of
whom I have made such honourable mention desired permission to pay him his
respects and was admitted accordingly He told him that having observed him
at Mr Buzzards a good deal disturbed by what had happened to his servant he
had come to assure him he had nothing to apprehend for Clinkers life for if
it was possible that any jury could find him guilty upon such evidence he
Martin himself would produce in court a person whose deposition would bring
him off clear as the sun at noon Sure the fellow would not be so romantic as
to take the robbery upon himself He said the postillion was an infamous
fellow who had been a dabbler in the same profession and saved his life at the
Old Bailey by impeaching his companions that being now reduced to great
poverty he had made this desperate push to swear away the life of an innocent
man in hopes of having the reward upon his conviction but that he would find
himself miserably disappointed for the justice and his myrmidons were
determined to admit of no interloper in this branch of business and that he did
not at all doubt but that they would find matter enough to stop the evidence
himself before the next gaoldelivery He affirmed that all these circumstances
were well known to the justice and that his severity to Clinker was no other
than a hint to his master to make him a present in private as an acknowledgment
of his candour and humanity
This hint however was so unpalatable to Mr Bramble that he declared
with great warmth he would rather confine himself for life to London which he
detested than be at liberty to leave it tomorrow in consequence of
encouraging corruption in a magistrate Hearing however how favourable Mr
Meads report had been for the prisoner he is resolved to take the advice of
counsel in what manner to proceed for his immediate enlargement I make no
doubt but that in a day or two this troublesome business may be discussed and
in this hope we are preparing for our journey If our endeavours do not
miscarry we shall have taken the field before you hear again from
Yours
J MELFORD
London June 11
To Dr Lewis
Thank Heaven dear Lewis the clouds are dispersed and I have now the clearest
prospect of my summer campaign which I hope I shall be able to begin
tomorrow I took the advice of counsel with respect to the case of Clinker in
whose favour a lucky incident has intervened The fellow who accused him has
had his own battery turned upon himself Two days ago he was apprehended for
a robbery on the highway and committed on the evidence of an accomplice
Clinker having moved for a writ of habeas corpus was brought before the lord
chief justice who in consequence of an affidavit of the gentleman who had been
robbed importing that the said Clinker was not the person who stopped him on
the highway as well as in consideration of the postillions character and
present circumstances was pleased to order that my servant should be admitted
to bail and he has been discharged accordingly to the unspeakable satisfaction
of our whole family to which he has recommended himself in an extraordinary
manner not only by his obliging deportment but by his talents of preaching
praying and singing psalms which he has exercised with such effect that even
Tabby respects him as a chosen vessel If there was any thing like affectation
or hypocrisy in this excess of religion I would not keep him in my service
but so far as I can observe the fellows character is downright simplicity
warmed with a kind of enthusiasm which renders him very susceptible of
gratitude and attachment to his benefactors
As he is an excellent horseman and understands farriery I have bought a
stout gelding for his use that he may attend us on the road and have an eye to
our cattle in case the coachman should not mind his business My nephew who is
to ride his own saddlehorse has taken upon trial a servant just come from
abroad with his former master sir William Strollop who vouches for his
honesty The fellow whose name is Dutton seems to be a petitmaître He has
got a smattering of French bows and grins and shrugs and takes snuff à la
mode de France but values himself chiefly upon his skill and dexterity in
hairdressing If I am not much deceived by appearance he is in all
respects the very contrast of Humphry Clinker
My sister has made up matters with lady Griskin though I must own I
should not have been sorry to see that connexion entirely destroyed but Tabby
is not of a disposition to forgive Barton who I understand is gone to his
seat in Berkshire for the summer season I cannot help suspecting that in the
treaty of peace which has been lately ratified betwixt those two females it is
stipulated that her ladyship shall use her best endeavours to provide an
agreeable helpmate for our sister Tabitha who seems to be quite desperate in
her matrimonial designs Perhaps the matchmaker is to have a valuable
consideration in the way of brokerage which she will most certainly deserve if
she can find any man in his senses who will yoke with Mrs Bramble from motives
of affection or interest
I find my spirits and my health affect each other reciprocally that is to
say every thing that discomposes my mind produces a correspondent disorder in
my body and my bodily complaints are remarkably mitigated by those
considerations that dissipate the clouds of mental chagrin The imprisonment
of Clinker brought on those symptoms which I mentioned in my last and now they
are vanished at his discharge It must be owned indeed I took some of the
tincture of ginseng prepared according to your prescription and found it
exceedingly grateful to the stomach but the pain and sickness continued to
return after short intervals till the anxiety of my mind was entirely removed
and then I found myself perfectly at ease We have had fair weather these ten
days to the astonishment of the Londoners who think it portentous If you
enjoy the same indulgence in Wales I hope Barns has got my hay made and safe
cocked by this time As we shall be in motion for some weeks I cannot expect
to hear from you as usual but I shall continue to write from every place at
which we make any halt that you may know our track in case it should be
necessary to communicate any thing to
Your assured friend
MATT BRAMBLE
London June 14
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall etc
Dear Mary
Having the occasion of my cousin Jenkins of Abergany I send you as a
token a turkeyshell comb a kiple of yards of green ribbon and a sarment upon
the nothingness of good works which was preached in the Tabernacle and you
will also receive a hornbuck for Saul whereby she may learn her letters for
Im much consarned about the state of her poor sole and what are all the
pursuits of this life to the consarns of that immortal part What is life but
a veil of affliction O Mary the whole family have been in such a constipation
Mr Clinker has been in trouble but the gates of hell have not been able to
prevail against him His virtue is like poor gould seven times tried in the
fire He was tuck up for a robbery and had before gustass Busshard who made
his mittamouse and the pore youth was sent to prison upon the false oaf of a
willian that wanted to sware his life away for the looker of cain
The squire did all in his power but could not prevent his being put in
chains and confined among common manufactors where he stud like an innocent
sheep in the midst of wolves and tygers Lord knows what mought have happened
to this pyehouse young man if master had not applied to Apias Korkus who lives
with the ould bailiff and is they say five hundred years ould God bless
us and a congeror but if he be sure I am he dont deal with the devil
otherwise he wouldnt have sought out Mr Clinker as he did in spite of stone
walls iron bolts and double locks that flew open at his command for Ould
Scratch has not a greater enemy upon hearth than Mr Clinker who is indeed a
very powerfull labourer in the Lords vineyard I do no more than yuse the words
of my good lady who has got the infectual calling and I trust that even
myself though unworthy shall find grease to be excepted Miss Liddy has been
touchd to the quick but is a little timorsome howsomever I make no doubt
but she and all of us will be brought by the endeavours of Mr Clinker to
produce blessed fruit of generation and repentance As for master and the
young squire they have as yet had narro glimpse of the new light I doubt as
how their harts are hardened by worldly wisdom which as the pyebill saith is
foolishness in the sight of God
O Mary Jones pray without seizing for grease to prepare you for the
operations of this wonderful instrument which I hope will be exorcised this
winter upon you and others at Brambletonhall Tomorrow we are to set out in
a cox and four for Yorkshire and I believe we shall travel that way far and
far and farther than I can tell but I shant go so far as to forget my
friends and Mary Jones will always be remembered as one of them by her
Humble sarvant
WIN JENKINS
London June 14
To Mrs Gwyllim housekeeper at Brambletonhall
Mrs Gwillim
I cant help thinking it very strange that I never had an answer to the
letter I wrote you some weeks ago from Bath concerning the sour bear the
gander and the maids eating butter which I wont allow to be wasted We are
now going upon a long gurney to the north whereby I desire you will redouble
your care and circumflexion that the family may be well manged in our absence
for you know you must render accunt not only to your earthly master but also
to him that is above and if you are found a good and faithfull sarvant great
will be your reward in haven I hope there will be twenty stun of cheese ready
for market by the time I get huom and as much owl spun as will make half a
dozen pair of blankets and that the savings of the buttermilk will fetch me a
good penny before Martinmass as the two pigs are to be fed for baking with
bitchmast and acrons
I wrote to doctor Lews for the same porpuss but he never had the good
manners to take the least notice of my letter for which reason I shall never
favour him with another though he beshits me on his bended knees You will do
well to keep a watchfull eye over the hind Villiams who is one of his
amissories and I believe no better than he should be at bottom God forbid
that I should lack christian charity but charity begins at huom and sure
nothing can be a more charitable work than to rid the family of such vermine I
do suppose that the brindled cow has been had to the parsons bull that old
Moll has had another litter of pigs and that Dick is become a mighty mouser
Pray order every thing for the best and be frugal and keep the maids to their
labour If I had a private opportunity I would send them some hymns to sing
instead of profane ballads but as I cant they and you must be contented with
the prayers of
Your assured friend
T BRAMBLE
London June 14
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
The very day after I wrote my last Clinker was set at liberty As Martin
had foretold the accuser was himself committed for a robbery upon
unquestionable evidence He had been for some time in the snares of the
thieftaking society who resenting his presumption in attempting to incroach
upon their monopoly of impeachment had him taken up and committed to Newgate
on the deposition of an accomplice who has been admitted as evidence for the
king The postillion being upon record as an old offender the chief Justice
made no scruple of admitting Clinker to bail when he perused the affidavit of
Mr Mead importing that the said Clinker was not the person that robbed him on
Blackheath and honest Humphry was discharged When he came home he expressed
great eagerness to pay his respects to his master and here his elocution failed
him but his silence was pathetic he fell down at his feet and embraced his
knees shedding a flood of tears which my uncle did not see without emotion
He took snuff in some confusion and putting his hand in his pocket gave him
his blessing in something more substantial than words »Clinker said he I am
so well convinced both of your honesty and courage that I am resolved to make
you my lifeguardman on the highway«
He was accordingly provided with a case of pistols and a carbine to be
slung across his shoulders and every other preparation being made we set out
last Thursday at seven in the morning my uncle with the three women in the
coach Humphry well mounted on a black gelding bought for his use myself
ahorseback attended by my new valet Mr Dutton an exceeding coxcomb fresh
from his travels whom I have taken upon trial The fellow wears a solitaire
uses paint and takes rappee with all the grimace of a French marquis At
present however he is in a ridingdress jackboots leather breeches a
scarlet waistcoat with gold binding a laced hat a hanger a French
postingwhip in his hand and his hair en queue
Before we had gone nine miles my horse lost one of his shoes so that I was
obliged to stop at Barnet to have another while the coach proceeded at an easy
pace over the common About a mile short of Hatfield the postillions stopping
the carriage gave notice to Clinker that there were two suspicious fellows
ahorseback at the end of a lane who seemed waiting to attack the coach
Humphry forthwith apprised my uncle declaring he would stand by him to the last
drop of his blood and unslinging his carbine prepared for action The squire
had pistols in the pockets of the coach and resolved to make use of them
directly but he was effectually prevented by his female companions who flung
themselves about his neck and screamed in concert At that instant who should
come up at a handgallop but Martin the highwayman who advancing to the
coach begged the ladies would compose themselves for a moment then desiring
Clinker to follow him to the charge he pulled a pistol out of his bosom and
they rode up together to give battle to the rogues who having fired at a great
distance fled across the common They were in pursuit of the fugitives when I
came up not a little alarmed at the shrieks in the coach where I found my
uncle in a violent rage without his periwig struggling to disentangle himself
from Tabby and the other two and swearing with great vociferation Before I had
time to interpose Martin and Clinker returned from the pursuit and the former
paid his compliments with great politeness giving us to understand that the
fellows had scampered off and that he believed they were a couple of raw
prentices from London He commended Clinker for his courage and said if we
would give him leave he would have the honour to accompany us as far as
Stevenage where he had some business
The squire having recollected and adjusted himself was the first to laugh
at his own situation but it was not without difficulty that Tabbys arms could
be untwisted from his neck Liddys teeth chattered and Jenkins was threatened
with a fit as usual I had communicated to my uncle the character of Martin as
it was described by the constable and he was much struck with its singularity
He could not suppose the fellow had any design on our company which was so
numerous and well armed he therefore thanked him for the service he had just
done them said he would be glad of his company and asked him to dine with us
at Hatfield This invitation might not have been agreeable to the ladies had
they known the real profession of our guest but this was a secret to all
except my uncle and myself Mrs Tabitha however would by no means consent to
proceed with a case of loaded pistols in the coach and they were forthwith
discharged in complaisance to her and the rest of the women
Being gratified in this particular she became remarkably goodhumoured and
at dinner behaved in the most affable manner to Mr Martin with whose polite
address and agreeable conversation she seemed to be much taken After dinner
the landlord accosting me in the yard asked with a significant look if the
gentleman that rode the sorrel belonged to our company I understood his
meaning but answered no that he had come up with us on the common and helped
us to drive away two fellows that looked like highwaymen He nodded three
times distinctly as much as to say he knows his cue Then he inquired if one
of those men was mounted on a bay mare and the other on a chestnut gelding with
a white streak down his forehead and being answered in the affirmative he
assured me they had robbed three postchaises this very morning I inquired in
my turn if Mr Martin was of his acquaintance and nodding thrice again he
answered that he had seen the gentleman
Before we left Hatfield my uncle fixing his eyes on Martin with such
expression as is more easily conceived than described asked if he often
travelled that road and he replied with a look which denoted his understanding
the question that he very seldom did business in that part of the country In a
word this adventurer favoured us with his company to the neighbourhood of
Stevenage where he took his leave of the coach and me in very polite terms
and turned off upon a crossroad that led to a village on the left At supper
Mrs Tabby was very full in the praise of Mr Martins goodsense and
goodbreeding and seemed to regret that she had not a further opportunity to
make some experiment upon his affection In the morning my uncle was not a
little surprised to receive from the waiter a billet couched in these words
»Sir
I could easily perceive from your looks when I had the honour to
converse with you at Hatfield that my character is not unknown to you
and I dare say you wont think it strange that I should be glad to
change my present way of life for any other honest occupation let it
be ever so humble that will afford me bread in moderation and sleep in
safety Perhaps you may think I flatter when I say that from the
moment I was witness to your generous concern in the cause of your
servant I conceived a particular esteem and veneration for your person
and yet what I say is true I should think myself happy if I could be
admitted into your protection and service as housesteward clerk
butler or bailiff for either of which places I think myself tolerably
well qualified and sure I am I should not be found deficient in
gratitude and fidelity At the same time I am very sensible how much
you must deviate from the common maxims of discretion even in putting
my professions to the trial but I dont look upon you as a person that
thinks in the ordinary stile and the delicacy of my situation will I
know justify this address to a heart warmed with beneficence and
compassion Understanding you are going pretty far north I shall take
an opportunity to throw myself in your way again before you reach the
borders of Scotland and I hope by that time you will have taken into
consideration the truly distressful case of
honoured sir
your very humble
and devoted servant
EDWARD MARTIN«
The squire having perused this letter put it into my hand without saying a
syllable and when I had read it we looked at each other in silence From a
certain sparkling in his eyes I discovered there was more in his heart than he
cared to express with his tongue in favour of poor Martin and this was
precisely my own feeling which he did not fail to discern by the same means of
communication »What shall we do said he to save this poor sinner from the
gallows and make him a useful member of the commonwealth and yet the proverb
says Save a thief from the gallows and hell cut your throat« I told him I
really believed Martin was capable of giving the proverb the lie and that I
should heartily concur in any step he might take in favour of his solicitation
We mutually resolved to deliberate upon the subject and in the mean time
proceeded on our journey The roads having been broke up by the heavy rains in
the spring were so rough that although we travelled very slowly the jolting
occasioned such pain to my uncle that he was become exceedingly peevish when we
arrived at this place which lies about eight miles from the postroad between
Wetherby and Boroughbridge
Harrigatewater so celebrated for its efficacy in the scurvy and other
distempers is supplied from a copious spring in the hollow of a wild common
round which a good many houses have been built for the convenience of the
drinkers though few of them are inhabited Most of the company lodge at some
distance in five separate inns situated in different parts of the common from
whence they go every morning to the well in their own carriages The lodgers of
each inn form a distinct society that eat together and there is a commodious
public room where they breakfast in dishabille at separate tables from eight
oclock till eleven as they chance or chuse to come in Here also they drink
tea in the afternoon and play at cards or dance in the evening One custom
however prevails which I look upon as a solecism in politeness The ladies
treat with tea in their turns and even girls of sixteen are not exempted from
this shameful imposition There is a public ball by subscription every night at
one of the houses to which all the company from the others are admitted by
tickets and indeed Harrigate treads upon the heels of Bath in the articles
of gaiety and dissipation with this difference however that here we are more
sociable and familiar One of the inns is already full up to the very garrets
having no less than fifty lodgers and as many servants Our family does not
exceed thirtysix and I should be sorry to see the number augmented as our
accommodations wont admit of much increase
At present the company is more agreeable than one could expect from an
accidental assemblage of persons who are utter strangers to one another There
seems to be a general disposition among us to maintain goodfellowship and
promote the purposes of humanity in favour of those who come hither on the
score of health I see several faces which we left at Bath although the
majority are of the Northern counties and many come from Scotland for the
benefit of these waters In such a variety there must be some originals among
whom Mrs Tabitha Bramble is not the most inconsiderable No place where there
is such an intercourse between the sexes can be disagreeable to a lady of her
views and temperament She has had some warm disputes at table with a lame
parson from Northumberland on the new birth and the insignificance of moral
virtue and her arguments have been reinforced by an old Scotch lawyer in a tye
periwig who though he has lost his teeth and the use of his limbs can still
wag his tongue with great volubility He has paid her such fulsome compliments
upon her piety and learning as seem to have won her heart and she in her
turn treats him with such attention as indicates a design upon his person but
by all accounts he is too much a fox to be inveigled into any snare that she
can lay for his affection
We do not propose to stay long at Harrigate though at present it is our
headquarters from whence we shall make some excursions to visit two or three
of our rich relations who are settled in this county Pray remember me to
all our friends of Jesus and allow me to be still
yours affectionately
J MELFORD
Harrigate June 23
To Dr Lewis
Dear Doctor
Considering the tax we pay for turnpikes the roads of this country
constitute a most intolerable grievance Between Newark and Weatherby I have
suffered more from jolting and swinging than ever I felt in the whole course of
my life although the carriage is remarkably commodious and well hung and the
postilions were very careful in driving I am now safely housed at the New Inn
at Harrigate whither I came to satisfy my curiosity rather than with any view
of advantage to my health and truly after having considered all the parts and
particulars of the place I cannot account for the concourse of people one finds
here upon any other principle but that of caprice which seems to be the
character of our nation
Harrigate is a wild common bare and bleak without tree or shrub or the
least signs of cultivation and the people who come to drink the water are
crowded together in paltry inns where the few tolerable rooms are monopolized
by the friends and favourites of the house and all the rest of the lodgers are
obliged to put up with dirty holes where there is neither space air nor
convenience My apartment is about ten feet square and when the folding bed is
down there is just room sufficient to pass between it and the fire One might
expect indeed that there would be no occasion for a fire at Midsummer but
here the climate is so backward that an ash tree which our landlord has
planted before my window is just beginning to put forth its leaves and I am
fain to have my bed warmed every night
As for the water which is said to have effected so many surprising cures I
have drank it once and the first draught has cured me of all desire to repeat
the medicine Some people say it smells of rotten eggs and others compare it
to the scourings of a foul gun It is generally supposed to be strongly
impregnated with sulphur and Dr Shaw in his book upon mineral waters says
he has seen flakes of sulphur floating in the well Pace tanti viri I for my
part have never observed any thing like sulphur either in or about the well
neither do I find that any brimstone has ever been extracted from the water As
for the smell if I may be allowed to judge from my own organs it is exactly
that of bilgewater and the saline taste of it seems to declare that it is
nothing else than salt water putrified in the bowels of the earth I was obliged
to hold my nose with one hand while I advanced the glass to my mouth with the
other and after I had made shift to swallow it my stomach could hardly retain
what it had received The only effects it produced were sickness griping and
insurmountable disgust I can hardly mention it without puking The world is
strangely misled by the affectation of singularity I cannot help suspecting
that this water owes its reputation in a great measure to its being so
strikingly offensive On the same kind of analogy a German doctor has
introduced hemlock and other poisons as specifics into the materia medica I
am persuaded that all the cures ascribed to the Harrigate water would have
been as efficaciously and infinitely more agreeably performed by the internal
and external use of seawater Sure I am this last is much less nauseous to the
taste and smell and much more gentle in its operation as a purge as well as
more extensive in its medical qualities
Two days ago we went across the country to visit squire Burdock who
married a first cousin of my father an heiress who brought him an estate of a
thousand a year This gentleman is a declared opponent of the ministry in
parliament and having an opulent fortune piques himself upon living in the
country and maintaining old English hospitality By the bye this is a phrase
very much used by the English themselves both in words and writing but I never
heard of it out of the island except by way of irony and sarcasm What the
hospitality of our forefathers has been I should be glad to see recorded
rather in the memoirs of strangers who have visited our country and were the
proper objects and judges of such hospitality than in the discourse and
lucubrations of the modern English who seem to describe it from theory and
conjecture Certain it is we are generally looked upon by foreigners as a
people totally destitute of this virtue and I never was in any country abroad
where I did not meet with persons of distinction who complained of having been
inhospitably used in Great Britain A gentlemen of France Italy or Germany
who has entertained and lodged an Englishman at his house when he afterwards
meets with his guest at London is asked to dinner at the Saracenshead the
Turkshead the Boarshead or the Bear eats raw beef and butter drinks
execrable port and is allowed to pay his share of the reckoning
But to return from this digression which my feeling for the honour of my
country obliged me to make our Yorkshire cousin has been a mighty foxhunter
before the Lord but now he is too fat and unwieldy to leap ditches and fivebar
gates nevertheless he still keeps a pack of hounds which are well exercised
and his huntsman every night entertains him with the adventures of the days
chace which he recites in a tone and terms that are extremely curious and
significant In the mean time his broad brawn is scratched by one of his
grooms This fellow it seems having no inclination to curry any beast out of
the stable was at great pains to scollop his nails in such a manner that the
blood followed at every stroke He was in hopes that he would be dismissed
from this disagreeable office but the event turned out contrary to his
expectation His master declared he was the best scratcher in the family and
now he will not suffer any other servant to draw a nail upon his carcase
The squires lady is very proud without being stiff or inaccessible She
receives even her inferiors in point of fortune with a kind of arrogant
civility but then she thinks she has a right to treat them with the most
ungracious freedoms of speech and never fails to let them know she is sensible
of her own superior affluence In a word she speaks well of no living soul
and has not one single friend in the world Her husband hates her mortally but
although the brute is sometimes so very powerful in him that he will have his
own way he generally truckles to her dominion and dreads like a schoolboy
the lash of her tongue On the other hand she is afraid of provoking him too
far lest he should make some desperate effort to shake off her yoke She
therefore acquiesces in the proofs he daily gives of his attachment to the
liberty of an English freeholder by saying and doing at his own table
whatever gratifies the brutality of his disposition or contributes to the ease
of his person The house though large is neither elegant nor comfortable It
looks like a great inn crowded with travellers who dine at the landlords
ordinary where there is a great profusion of victuals and drink but mine host
seems to be misplaced and I would rather dine upon filberts with a hermit than
feed upon venison with a hog The footmen might be aptly compared to the waiters
of a tavern if they were more serviceable and less rapacious but they are
generally insolent and inattentive and so greedy that I think I can dine
better and for less expence at the Star and Garter in Pallmall than at our
cousins castle in Yorkshire The squire is not only accommodated with a wife
but he is also blessed with an only son about two and twenty just returned
from Italy a complete fidler and dillettante and he slips no opportunity of
manifesting the most perfect contempt for his own father
When we arrived there was a family of foreigners at the house on a visit
to this virtuoso with whom they had been acquainted at the Spa it was the
count de Melville with his lady on their way to Scotland Mr Burdock had met
with an accident in consequence of which both the count and I would have
retired but the young gentleman and his mother insisted upon our staying
dinner and their serenity seemed to be so little ruffled by what had happened
that we complied with their invitation The squire had been brought home over
night in his postchaise so terribly belaboured about the pate that he seemed
to be in a state of stupefaction and had ever since remained speechless A
country apothecary called Grieve who lived in a neighbouring village having
been called to his assistance had let him blood and applied a poultice to his
head declaring that he had no fever nor any other bad symptom but the loss of
speech if he really had lost that faculty But the young squire said this
practitioner was an ignorantaccio that there was a fracture in the cranium and
that there was a necessity for having him trepanned without loss of time His
mother espousing this opinion had sent an express to York for a surgeon to
perform the operation and he was already come with his prentice and
instruments Having examined the patients head he began to prepare his
dressings though Grieve still retained his first opinion that there was no
fracture and was the more confirmed in it as the squire had passed the night
in profound sleep uninterrupted by any catching or convulsion The York surgeon
said he could not tell whether there was a fracture until he should take off
the scalp but at any rate the operation might be of service in giving vent to
any blood that might be extravasated either above or below the dura mater The
lady and her son were clear for trying the experiment and Grieve was dismissed
with some marks of contempt which perhaps he owed to the plainness of his
appearance He seemed to be about the middle age wore his own black hair
without any sort of dressing by his garb one would have taken him for a
quaker but he had none of the stiffness of that sect on the contrary he was
very submissive respectful and remarkably taciturn
Leaving the ladies in an apartment by themselves we adjourned to the
patients chamber where the dressings and instruments were displayed in order
upon a pewter dish The operator laying aside his coat and periwig equipped
himself with a nightcap apron and sleeves while his prentice and footman
seizing the squires head began to place it in a proper posture But mark
what followed The patient bolting upright in the bed collared each of these
assistants with the grasp of Hercules exclaiming in a bellowing tone »I hant
lived so long in Yorkshire to be trepanned by such vermin as you« and leaping
on the floor put on his breeches quietly to the astonishment of us all The
surgeon still insisted upon the operation alledging it was now plain that the
brain was injured and desiring the servants to put him into bed again but no
body would venture to execute his orders or even to interpose when the squire
turned him and his assistants out of doors and threw his apparatus out at the
window Having thus asserted his prerogative and put on his cloaths with the
help of a valet the count with my nephew and me were introduced by his son
and received with his usual stile of rustic civility then turning to signor
Macaroni with a sarcastic grin »I tell thee what Dick said he a mans
scull is not to be bored every time his head is broken and Ill convince thee
and thy mother that I know as many tricks as eer an old fox in the West
Riding«
We afterwards understood he had quarrelled at a public house with an
exciseman whom he challenged to a bout at single stick in which he had been
worsted and that the shame of this defeat had tied up his tongue As for madam
she had shewn no concern for his disaster and now heard of his recovery without
emotion She had taken some little notice of my sister and niece though
rather with a view to indulge her own petulance than out of any sentiment of
regard to our family She said Liddy was a fright and ordered her woman to
adjust her head before dinner but she would not meddle with Tabby whose
spirit she soon perceived was not to be irritated with impunity At table she
acknowledged me so far as to say she had heard of my father though she hinted
that he had disobliged her family by making a poor match in Wales She was
disagreeably familiar in her enquiries about our circumstances and asked if I
intended to bring up my nephew to the law I told her that as he had an
independent fortune he should follow no profession but that of a country
gentleman and that I was not without hopes of procuring for him a seat in
parliament »Pray cousin said she what may his fortune be« When I
answered that with what I should be able to give him he would have better
than two thousand a year she replied with a disdainful toss of her head that
it would be impossible for him to preserve his independence on such a paltry
provision
Not a little nettled at this arrogant remark I told her I had the honour
to sit in parliament with her father when he had little more than half that
income and I believed there was not a more independent and incorruptible member
in the house »Ay but times are changed cried the squire Country
gentlemen nowadays live after another fashion My table alone stands me in a
cool thousand a quarter though I raise my own stock import my own liquors and
have every thing at the first hand True it is I keep open house and receive
all comers for the honour of Old England« »If that be the case said I tis
a wonder you can maintain it at so small an expence but every private gentleman
is not expected to keep a caravansera for the accommodation of travellers
indeed if every individual lived in the same stile you would not have such a
number of guests at your table of consequence your hospitality would not shine
so bright for the glory of the West Riding« The young squire tickled by this
ironical observation exclaimed »O che burla« His mother eyed me in silence
with a supercilious air and the father of the feast taking a bumper of
October »My service to you cousin Bramble said he I have always heard there
was something keen and biting in the air of the Welch mountains«
I was much pleased with the count de Melville who is sensible easy and
polite and the countess is the most amiable woman I ever beheld In the
afternoon they took leave of their entertainers and the young gentleman
mounting his horse undertook to conduct their coach through the park while one
of their servants rode round to give notice to the rest whom they had left at a
public house on the road The moment their backs were turned the censorious
dæmon took possession of our Yorkshire landlady and our sister Tabitha The
former observed that the countess was a good sort of a body but totally
ignorant of good breeding consequently aukward in her address The squire said
he did not pretend to the breeding of any thing but colts but that the jade
would be very handsome if she was a little more in flesh »Handsome cried
Tabby she has indeed a pair of black eyes without any meaning but then there
is not a good feature in her face« »I know not what you call good features in
Wales replied our landlord but theyll pass in Yorkshire« Then turning to
Liddy he added »What say you my pretty Redstreak what is your opinion of
the countess« »I think cried Liddy with great emotion shes an angel«
Tabby chid her for talking with such freedom in company and the lady of the
house said in a contemptuous tone she supposed Miss had been brought up at
some country boardingschool
Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the young gentleman who
galloped into the yard all aghast exclaiming that the coach was attacked by a
great number of highwaymen My nephew and I rushing out found his own and his
servants horse ready saddled in the stable with pistols in the caps We
mounted instantly ordering Clinker and Dutton to follow with all possible
expedition but notwithstanding all the speed we could make the action was over
before we arrived and the count with his lady safe lodged at the house of
Grieve who had signalized himself in a very remarkable manner on this occasion
At the turning of a lane that led to the village where the counts servants
remained a couple of robbers ahorseback suddenly appeared with their pistols
advanced one kept the coachman in awe and the other demanded the counts
money while the young squire went off at full speed without ever casting a
look behind The count desiring the thief to withdraw his pistol as the lady
was in great terror delivered his purse without making the least resistance
but not satisfied with this booty which was pretty considerable the rascal
insisted upon rifling her of her earrings and necklace and the countess
screamed with affright Her husband exasperated at the violence with which she
was threatened wrested the pistol out of the fellows hand and turning it upon
him snapped it in his face but the robber knowing there was no charge in it
drew another from his bosom and in all probability would have killed him on the
spot had not his life been saved by a wonderful interposition Grieve the
apothecary chancing to pass that very instant ran up to the coach and with a
crabstick which was all the weapon he had brought the fellow to the ground
with the first blow then seizing his pistol presented it to his colleague who
fired his piece at random and fled without further opposition The other was
secured by the assistance of the count and the coachman and his legs being tied
under the belly of his own horse Grieve conducted him to the village whither
also the carriage proceeded It was with great difficulty the countess could be
kept from swooning but at last she was happily conveyed to the house of the
apothecary who went into the shop to prepare some drops for her while his wife
and daughter administered to her in another apartment
I found the count standing in the kitchen with the parson of the parish and
expressing much impatience to see his protector whom as yet he had scarce found
time to thank for the essential service he had done him and the countess The
daughter passing at the same time with a glass of water monsieur de Melville
could not help taking notice of her figure which was strikingly engaging
»Ay said the parson she is the prettiest girl and the best girl in all my
parish and if I could give my son an estate of ten thousand a year he should
have my consent to lay it at her feet If Mr Grieve had been as solicitous
about getting money as he has been in performing all the duties of a primitive
Christian Fy would not have hung so long upon his hands« »What is her name«
said I »Sixteen years ago answered the vicar I christened her by the names of
Seraphina Melvilia« »Ha what how cried the count eagerly sure you said
Seraphina Melvilia« »I did said he Mr Grieve told me those were the names
of two noble persons abroad to whom he had been obliged for more than life«
The count without speaking another syllable rushed into the parlour
crying »This is your goddaughter my dear« Mrs Grieve then seizing the
countess by the hand exclaimed with great agitation »O madam O sir I
am I am your poor Elinor This is my Seraphina Melvilia O child these
are the count and countess of Melville the generous the glorious benefactors
of thy once unhappy parents«
The countess rising from her seat threw her arms about the neck of the
amiable Seraphina and clasped her to her breast with great tenderness while
she herself was embraced by the weeping mother This moving scene was completed
by the entrance of Grieve himself who falling on his knees before the count
»Behold said he a penitent who at length can look upon his patron without
shrinking« »Ah Ferdinand cried he raising and folding him in his arms the
playfellow of my infancy the companion of my youth Is it to you then I am
indebted for my life« »Heaven has heard my prayer said the other and given
me an opportunity to prove myself not altogether unworthy of your clemency and
protection« He then kissed the hand of the countess while monsieur de Melville
saluted his wife and lovely daughter and all of us were greatly affected by
this pathetic recognition
In a word Grieve was no other than Ferdinand count Fathom whose adventures
were printed many years ago Being a sincere convert to virtue he had changed
his name that he might elude the enquiries of the count whose generous
allowance he determined to forego that he might have no dependence but upon his
own industry and moderation He had accordingly settled in this village as a
practitioner in surgery and physic and for some years wrestled with all the
miseries of indigence which however he and his wife had borne with the most
exemplary resignation At length by dint of unwearied attention to the duties
of his profession which he exercised with equal humanity and success he had
acquired a tolerable share of business among the farmers and common people
which enabled him to live in a decent manner He had been scarce ever seen to
smile was unaffectedly pious and all the time he could spare from the
avocations of his employment he spent in educating his daughter and in studying
for his own improvement In short the adventurer Fathom was under the name
of Grieve universally respected among the commonalty of this district as a
prodigy of learning and virtue These particulars I learned from the vicar when
we quitted the room that they might be under no restraint in their mutual
effusions I make no doubt that Grieve will be pressed to leave off business
and reunite himself to the counts family and as the countess seemed extremely
fond of his daughter she will in all probability insist upon Seraphinas
accompanying her to Scotland
Having paid our compliments to these noble persons we returned to the
squires where we expected an invitation to pass the night which was wet and
raw but it seems squire Burdocks hospitality reached not so far for the
honour of Yorkshire we therefore departed in the evening and lay at an inn
where I caught cold
In hope of riding it down before it could take fast hold on my constitution
I resolved to visit another relation one Mr Pimpernel who lived about a dozen
miles from the place where we lodged Pimpernel being the youngest of four sons
was bred an attorney at Furnivalsinn but all his elder brothers dying he got
himself called to the bar for the honour of his family and soon after this
preferment succeeded to his fathers estate which was very considerable He
carried home with him all the knavish chicanery of the lowest pettifogger
together with a wife whom he had purchased of a drayman for twenty pounds and
he soon found means to obtain a dedimus as an acting justice of peace He is not
only a sordid miser in his disposition but his avarice is mingled with a spirit
of despotism which is truly diabolical He is a brutal husband an unnatural
parent a harsh master an oppressive landlord a litigious neighbour and a
partial magistrate Friends he has none and in point of hospitality and good
breeding our cousin Burdock is a prince in comparison of this ungracious
miscreant whose house is the lively representation of a gaol Our reception was
suitable to the character I have sketched Had it depended upon the wife we
should have been kindly treated She is really a good sort of a woman in
spite of her low original and well respected in the county but she has not
interest enough in her own house to command a draught of tablebeer far less to
bestow any kind of education on her children who run about like ragged colts
in a state of nature Pox on him he is such a dirty fellow that I have not
patience to prosecute the subject
By that time we reached Harrigate I began to be visitedby certain
rheumatic symptoms The Scotch lawyer Mr Micklewhimmen recommended a hot bath
of these waters so earnestly that I was overpersuaded to try the experiment
He had used it often with success and always stayed an hour in the bath which
was a tub filled with Harrigate water heated for the purpose If I could hardly
bear the smell of a single tumbler when cold you may guess how my nose was
regaled by the steams arising from a hot bath of the same fluid At night I was
conducted into a dark hole on the ground floor where the tub smoaked and stunk
like the pot of Acheron in one corner and in another stood a dirty bed
provided with thick blankets in which I was to sweat after coming out of the
bath My heart seemed to die within me when I entered this dismal bagnio and
found my brain assaulted by such insufferable effluvia I cursed Micklewhimmen
for not considering that my organs were formed on this side of the Tweed but
being ashamed to recoil upon the threshold I submitted to the process
After having endured all but real suffocation for above a quarter of an hour
in the tub I was moved to the bed and wrapped in blankets There I lay a full
hour panting with intolerable heat but not the least moisture appearing on my
skin I was carried to my own chamber and passed the night without closing an
eye in such a flutter of spirits as rendered me the most miserable wretch in
being I should certainly have run distracted if the rarefaction of my blood
occasioned by that Stygian bath had not burst the vessels and produced a
violent hæmorrhage which though dreadful and alarming removed the horrible
disquiet I lost two pounds of blood and more on this occasion and find
myself still weak and languid but I believe a little exercise will forward my
recovery and therefore I am resolved to set out tomorrow for York in my way
to Scarborough where I propose to brace up my fibres by seabathing which I
know is one of your favourite specifics There is however one disease for
which you have found as yet no specific and that is old age of which this
tedious unconnected epistle is an infallible symptom what therefore cannot
be cured must be endured by you as well as by
Yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Harrigate June 26
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Knight
The manner of living at Harrigate was so agreeable to my disposition that I
left the place with some regret Our aunt Tabby would have probably made some
objection to our departing so soon had not an accident embroiled her with Mr
Micklewhimmen the Scotch advocate on whose heart she had been practising from
the second day after our arrival That original though seemingly precluded
from the use of his limbs had turned his genius to good account In short by
dint of groaning and whining he had excited the compassion of the company so
effectually that an old lady who occupied the very best apartment in the
house gave it up for his ease and convenience When his man led him into the
Long Room all the females were immediately in commotion One set an
elbowchair another shook up the cushion a third brought a stool and a fourth
a pillow for the accommodation of his feet Two ladies of whom Tabby was
always one supported him into the diningroom and placed him properly at the
table and his taste was indulged with a succession of delicacies culled by
their fair hands All this attention he repaid with a profusion of compliments
and benedictions which were not the less agreeable for being delivered in the
Scottish dialect As for Mrs Tabitha his respects were particularly addressed
to her and he did not fail to mingle them with religious reflections touching
free grace knowing her bias to methodism which he also professed upon a
calvinistical model
For my part I could not help thinking this lawyer was not such an invalid
as he pretended to be I observed he ate very heartily three times aday and
though his bottle was marked stomachic tincture he had recourse to it so often
and seemed to swallow it with such peculiar relish that I suspected it was not
compounded in the apothecarys shop or the chemists laboratory One day while
he was earnest in discourse with Mrs Tabitha and his servant had gone out on
some occasion or other I dexterously exchanged the labels and situation of his
bottle and mine and having tasted his tincture found it was excellent claret
I forthwith handed it about to some of my neighbours and it was quite emptied
before Mr Micklewhimmen had occasion to repeat his draught At length turning
about he took hold of my bottle instead of his own and filling a large
glass drank to the health of Mrs Tabitha It had scarce touched his lips
when he perceived the change which had been put upon him and was at first a
little out of countenance He seemed to retire within himself in order to
deliberate and in half a minute his resolution was taken addressing himself to
our quarter »I give the gentleman cradit for his wit said he it was a gude
practical joke but sometimes hi joci in seria ducunt mala I hope for his own
sake he has na drank all the liccor for it was a vara poorful infusion of
jallap in Bourdeaux wine and its possable he may ha taen sic a dose as will
produce a terrible catastrophe in his ain booels «
By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the share of a young
clothier from Leeds who had come to make a figure at Harrigate and was in
effect a great coxcomb in his way It was with a view to laugh at his
fellowguests as well as to mortify the lawyer that he had emptied the bottle
when it came to his turn and he had laughed accordingly but now his mirth gave
way to his apprehension He began to spit to make wry faces and writhe
himself into various contorsions »Damn the stuff cried he I thought it had
a villainous twang pah He that would cozen a Scot mun get oop betimes and
take Old Scratch for his counsellor « »In troth mester what dye caum
replied the lawyer your wit has run you into a filthy puddle Im truly
consarned for your waeful case The best advice I can give you in sic a
delemma is to send an express to Rippon for doctor Waugh without delay and
in the mean time swallow all the oil and butter you can find in the hoose to
defend your poor stomach and intastines from the villication of the particles of
the jallap which is vara violent even when taken in moderation«
The poor clothiers torments had already begun he retired roaring with
pain to his own chamber the oil was swallowed and the doctor sent for but
before he arrived the miserable patient had made such discharges upwards and
downwards that nothing remained to give him further offence and this double
evacuation was produced by imagination alone for what he had drank was genuine
wine of Bourdeaux which the lawyer had brought from Scotland for his own
private use The clothier finding the joke turn out so expensive and
disagreeable quitted the house next morning leaving the triumph to
Micklewhimmen who enjoyed it internally without any outward signs of
exultation on the contrary he affected to pity the young man for what he had
suffered and acquired fresh credit from this shew of moderation
It was about the middle of the night which succeeded this adventure that
the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul the soot took fire and the alarm
was given in a dreadful manner Every body leaped naked out of bed and in a
minute the whole house was filled with cries and confusion There were two
stairs in the house and to these we naturally ran but they were both so
blocked up by the people pressing one upon another that it seemed impossible
to pass without throwing down and trampling upon the women In the midst of
this anarchy Mr Micklewhimmen with a leathern portmanteau on his back came
running as nimble as a buck along the passage and Tabby in her
underpetticoat endeavouring to hook him under the arm that she might escape
through his protection he very fairly pushed her down crying »Na na gude
faith charity begins at hame« Without paying the least respect to the shrieks
and intreaties of his female friends he charged through the midst of the crowd
overturning every thing that opposed him and actually fought his way to the
bottom of the staircase By this time Clinker had found a ladder by which he
entered the window of my uncles chamber where our family was assembled and
proposed that we should make our exit successively by that conveyance The
squire exhorted his sister to begin the descent but before she could resolve
her woman Mrs Winifred Jenkins in a transport of terror threw herself out at
the window upon the ladder while Humphry dropped upon the ground that he might
receive her in her descent This maiden was just as she had started out of bed
the moon shone very bright and a fresh breeze of wind blowing none of Mrs
Winifreds beauties could possibly escape the view of the fortunate Clinker
whose heart was not able to withstand the united force of so many charms at
least I am much mistaken if he has not been her humble slave from that moment
He received her in his arms and giving her his coat to protect her from the
weather ascended again with admirable dexterity
At that instant the landlord of the house called out with an audible voice
that the fire was extinguished and the ladies had nothing further to fear this
was a welcome note to the audience and produced an immediate effect the
shrieking ceased and a confused sound of expostulation ensued I conducted Mrs
Tabitha and my sister to their own chamber where Liddy fainted away but was
soon brought to herself Then I went to offer my services to the other ladies
who might want assistance They were all scudding through the passage to their
several apartments and as the thoroughfair was lighted by two lamps I had a
pretty good observation of them in their transit but as most of them were naked
to the smock and all their heads shrowded in huge nightcaps I could not
distinguish one face from another though I recognized some of their voices
These were generally plaintive some wept some scolded and some prayed I
lifted up one poor old gentlewoman who had been overturned and sore bruised by
a multitude of feet and this was also the case with the lame parson from
Northumberland whom Micklewhimmen had in his passage overthrown though not
with impunity for the cripple in falling gave him such a good pelt on the
head with his crutch that the blood followed
As for this lawyer he waited below till the hurly burly was over and then
stole softly to his own chamber from whence he did not venture to make a second
sally till eleven in the forenoon when he was led into the Public Room by his
own servant and another assistant groaning most woefully with a bloody napkin
round his head But things were greatly altered The selfish brutality of his
behaviour on the stairs had steeled their hearts against all his arts and
address Not a soul offered to accommodate him with chair cushion or
footstool so that he was obliged to sit down on a hard wooden bench In that
position he looked around with a rueful aspect and bowing very low said in a
whining tone »Your most humble servant ladies Fire is a dreadful calamity «
»Fire purifies gold and it tries friendship« cried Mrs Tabitha bridling
»Yea madam replied Micklewhimmen and it trieth discretion also « »If
discretion consists in forsaking a friend in adversity you are eminently
possessed of that virtue« resumed our aunt »Na madam rejoined the
advocate well I wot I cannot claim any merit from the mode of my retreat
Yell please to observe ladies there are twa independent principles that
actuate our nature One is instinct which we have in common with the brute
creation and the other is reason Noo in certain great emergencies when the
faculty of reason is suspended instinct taks the lead and when this
predominates having no affinity with reason it pays no sort of regard to its
connections it only operates for the preservation of the individual and that
by the most expeditious and effectual means therefore begging your pardon
ladies Im no accountable in foro conscientiæ for what I did while under the
influence of this irresistible pooer«
Here my uncle interposing »I should be glad to know said he whether it
was instinct that prompted you to retreat with bag and baggage for I think
you had a portmanteau on your shoulder « The lawyer answered without
hesitation »Gif I might tell my mind freely withoot incuring the suspicion of
presumption I should think it was something superior to either reason or
instinct which suggested that measure and this on a twafald accoont in the
first place the portmanteau contained the writings of a worthy noblemans
estate and their being burnt would have occasioned a loss that could not be
repaired secondly my good angel seems to have laid the portmantle on my
shoulders by way of defence to sustain the violence of a most inhuman blow
from the crutch of a reverend clergyman which even in spite of that medium
hath wounded me sorely even unto the pericranium« »By your own doctrine
cried the parson who chanced to be present I am not accountable for the blow
which was the effect of instinct« »I crave your pardon reverend sir said the
other instinct never acts but for the preservation of the individual but your
preservation was out of the case you had already received the damage and
therefore the blow must be imputed to revenge which is a sinful passion that
ill becomes any Christian especially a protestant divine and let me tell you
most reverend doctor gin I had amind to plea the law would hauld my libel
relevant« »Why the damage is pretty equal on both sides cried the parson
your head is broke and my crutch is snapt in the middle Now if you will
repair the one I will be at the expence of curing the other«
This sally raised the laugh against Micklewhimmen who began to look grave
when my uncle in order to change the discourse observed that instinct had
been very kind to him in another respect for it had restored to him the use of
his limbs which in his exit he had moved with surprising agility He
replied that it was the nature of fear to brace up the nerves and mentioned
some surprising feats of strength and activity performed by persons under the
impulse of terror but he complained that in his own particular the effects
had ceased when the cause was taken away The squire said he would lay a
teadrinking on his head that he should dance a Scotch measure without making
a false step and the advocate grinning called for the piper A fiddler being
at hand this original started up with his bloody napkin over his black
tyeperiwig and acquitted himself in such a manner as excited the mirth of the
whole company but he could not regain the good graces of Mrs Tabby who did
not understand the principle of instinct and the lawyer did not think it worth
his while to proceed to further demonstration
From Harrigate we came hither by the way of York and here we shall tarry
some days as my uncle and Tabitha are both resolved to make use of the waters
Scarborough though a paltry town is romantic from its situation along a cliff
that overhangs the sea The harbour is formed by a small elbow of land that
runs out as a natural mole directly opposite to the town and on that side is
the castle which stands very high of considerable extent and before the
invention of gunpowder was counted impregnable At the other end of Scarborough
are two public rooms for the use of the company who resort to this place in the
summer to drink the waters and bathe in the sea and the diversions are pretty
much on the same footing here as at Bath The Spa is a little way beyond the
town on this side under a cliff within a few paces of the sea and thither
the drinkers go every morning in dishabille but the descent is by a great
number of steps which invalids find very inconvenient Betwixt the well and the
harbour the bathing machines are ranged along the beach with all their proper
utensils and attendants You have never seen one of these machines Image to
yourself a small snug wooden chamber fixed upon a wheelcarriage having a
door at each end and on each side a little window above a bench below The
bather ascending into this apartment by wooden steps shuts himself in and
begins to undress while the attendant yokes a horse to the end next the sea
and draws the carriage forwards till the surface of the water is on a level
with the floor of the dressingroom then he moves and fixes the horse to the
other end The person within being stripped opens the door to the seaward
where he finds the guide ready and plunges headlong into the water After
having bathed he reascends into the apartment by the steps which had been
shifted for that purpose and puts on his clothes at his leisure while the
carriage is drawn back again upon the dry land so that he has nothing further
to do but to open the door and come down as he went up Should he be so weak
or ill as to require a servant to put off and on his clothes there is room
enough in the apartment for half a dozen people The guides who attend the
ladies in the water are of their own sex and they and the female bathers have
a dress of flannel for the sea nay they are provided with other conveniences
for the support of decorum A certain number of the machines are fitted with
tilts that project from the seaward ends of them so as to screen the bathers
from the view of all persons whatsoever The beach is admirably adapted for
this practice the descent being gently gradual and the sand soft as velvet
but then the machines can be used only at a certain time of the tide which
varies every day so that sometimes the bathers are obliged to rise very early
in the morning For my part I love swimming as an exercise and can enjoy it
at all times of the tide without the formality of an apparatus You and I have
often plunged together into the Isis but the sea is a much more noble bath for
health as well as pleasure You cannot conceive what a flow of spirits it gives
and how it braces every sinew of the human frame Were I to enumerate half the
diseases which are every day cured by seabathing you might justly say you had
received a treatise instead of a letter from
your affectionate friend
and servant
J MELFORD
Scarborough July 1
To Dr Lewis
I have not found all the benefit I expected at Scarborough were I have been
these eight days From Harrigate we came hither by the way of York where we
stayed only one day to visit the Castle the Minster and the Assemblyroom The
first which was heretofore a fortress is now converted to a prison and is the
best in all respects I ever saw at home or abroad It stands in a high
situation extremely well ventilated and has a spacious area within the walls
for the health and convenience of all the prisoners except those whom it is
necessary to secure in close confinement Even these last have all the comforts
that the nature of their situation can admit Here the assizes are held in a
range of buildings erected for that purpose
As for the Minster I know not how to distinguish it except by its great
size and the height of its spire from those other antient churches in different
parts of the kingdom which used to be called monuments of Gothic architecture
but it is now agreed that this stile is Saracen rather than Gothic and I
suppose it was first imported into England from Spain great part of which was
under the dominion of the Moors Those British architects who adopted this
stile dont seem to have considered the propriety of their adoption The
climate of the country possessed by the Moors or Saracens both in Africa and
Spain was so exceedingly hot and dry that those who built places of worship
for the multitude employed their talents in contriving edifices that should be
cool and for this purpose nothing could be better adapted than those
buildings vast narrow dark and lofty impervious to the sunbeams and having
little communication with the scorched external atmosphere but ever affording a
refreshing coolness like subterranean cellars in the heats of summer or
natural caverns in the bowels of huge mountains But nothing could be more
preposterous than to imitate such a mode of architecture in a country like
England where the climate is cold and the air eternally loaded with vapours
and where of consequence the builders intention should be to keep the people
dry and warm For my part I never entered the Abbey church at Bath but once
and the moment I stept over the threshold I found myself chilled to the very
marrow of my bones When we consider that in our churches in general we
breathe a gross stagnated air surcharged with damps from vaults tombs and
charnelhouses may we not term them so many magazines of rheums created for
the benefit of the medical faculty and safely aver that more bodies are lost
than souls saved by going to church in the winter especially which may be
said to engross eight months in the year I should be glad to know what offence
it would give to tender consciences if the house of God was made more
comfortable or less dangerous to the health of valetudinarians and whether it
would not be an encouragement to piety as well as the salvation of many lives
if the place of worship was well floored wainscotted warmed and ventilated
and its area kept sacred from the pollution of the dead The practice of burying
in churches was the effect of ignorant superstition influenced by knavish
priests who pretended that the devil could have no power over the defunct if
he was interred in holy ground and this indeed is the only reason that can be
given for consecrating all cemeteries even at this day
The external appearance of an old cathedral cannot be but displeasing to the
eye of every man who has any idea of propriety and proportion even though he
may be ignorant of architecture as a science and the long slender spire puts
one in mind of a criminal impaled with a sharp stake rising up through his
shoulder These towers or steeples were likewise borrowed from the
Mahometans who having no bells used such minarets for the purpose of calling
the people to prayers They may be of further use however for making
observations and signals but I would vote for their being distinct from the
body of the church because they serve only to make the pile more barbarous or
Saracenical
There is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the Assembly Room which
seems to me to have been built upon a design of Palladio and might be converted
into an elegant place of worship but it is indifferently contrived for that
sort of idolatry which is performed in it at present the grandeur of the fane
gives a diminutive effect to the little painted divinities that are adored in
it and the company on a ballnight must look like an assembly of fantastic
fairies revelling by moonlight among the columns of a Grecian temple
Scarborough seems to be falling off in point of reputation All these
places Bath excepted have their vogue and then the fashion changes I am
persuaded there are fifty spaws in England as efficacious and salutary as that
of Scarborough though they have not yet risen to fame and perhaps never
will unless some medical encomiast should find an interest in displaying their
virtues to the public view Be that as it may recourse will always be had to
this place for the convenience of seabathing while this practice prevails but
it were to be wished they would make the beach more accessible to invalids
I have here met with my old acquaintance Ht whom you have often heard me
mention as one of the most original characters upon earth I first knew him at
Venice and afterwards saw him in different parts of Italy where he was well
known by the nickname of Cavallo Bianco from his appearing always mounted on a
pale horse like Death in the Revelations You must remember the account I once
gave you of a curious dispute he had at Constantinople with a couple of Turks
in defence of the Christian religion a dispute from which he acquired the
epithet of Demonstrator The truth is H owns no religion but that of nature
but on this occasion he was stimulated to shew his parts for the honour of
his country Some years ago being in the Campidoglio at Rome he made up to
the bust of Jupiter and bowing very low exclaimed in the Italian language »I
hope sir if ever you get your head above water again you will remember that I
paid my respects to you in your adversity« This sally was reported to the
cardinal Camerlengo and by him laid before pope Benedict XIV who could not
help laughing at the extravagance of the address and said to the cardinal
»Those English heretics think they have a right to go to the devil in their own
way«
Indeed H was the only Englishman I ever knew who had resolution enough to
live in his own way in the midst of foreigners for neither in dress diet
customs or conversation did he deviate one tittle from the manner in which he
had been brought up About twelve years ago he began a Giro or circuit which
he thus performed At Naples where he fixed his headquarters he embarked for
Marseilles from whence he travelled with a voiturin to Antibes There he took
his passage to Genoa and Lerici from which last place he proceeded by the way
of Cambratina to Pisa and Florence After having halted some time in this
metropolis he set out with a Vetturino for Rome where he reposed himself a few
weeks and then continued his route for Naples in order to wait for the next
opportunity of embarkation After having twelve times described this circle he
lately flew off at a tangent to visit some trees at his countryhouse in
England which he had planted above twenty years ago after the plan of the
double colonnade in the piazza of St Peters at Rome He came hither to
Scarborough to pay his respects to his noble friend and former pupil the M
of G and forgetting that he is now turned of seventy sacrificed so
liberally to Bacchus that next day he was seized with a fit of the apoplexy
which has a little impaired his memory but he retains all the oddity of his
character in perfection and is going back to Italy by the way of Geneva that
he may have a conference with his friend Voltaire about giving the last blow to
the Christian superstition He intends to take shipping here for Holland or
Hamburgh for it is a matter of great indifference to him at what part of the
continent he first lands
When he was going abroad the last time he took his passage in a ship bound
for Leghorn and his baggage was actually embarked In going down the river by
water he was by mistake put on board of another vessel under sail and upon
inquiry understood she was bound to Petersburgh »Petersburgh Petersburgh
said he I dont care if I go along with you« He forthwith struck a bargain
with the captain bought a couple of shirts of the mate and was safe conveyed
to the court of Muscovy from whence he travelled by land to receive his baggage
at Leghorn He is now more likely than ever to execute a whim of the same
nature and I will hold any wager that as he cannot be supposed to live much
longer according to the course of nature his exit will be as odd as his life
has been extravagant1
But to return from one humourist to another you most know I have received
benefit both from the chalybeate and the sea and would have used them longer
had not a most ridiculous adventure by making me the towntalk obliged me to
leave the place for I cant bear the thoughts of affording a spectacle to the
multitude Yesterday morning at six oclock I went down to the bathingplace
attended by my servant Clinker who waited on the beach as usual The wind
blowing from the north and the weather being hazy the water proved so chill
that when I rose from my first plunge I could not help sobbing and bawling out
from the effects of the cold Clinker who heard me cry and saw me indistinctly
a good way without the guide buffetting the waves took it for granted I was
drowning and rushing into the sea clothes and all overturned the guide in his
hurry to save his master I had swam out a few strokes when hearing a noise I
turned about and saw Clinker already up to his neck advancing towards me with
all the wildness of terror in his aspect Afraid he would get out of his depth
I made haste to meet him when all of a sudden he seized me by one ear and
dragged me bellowing with pain upon the dry beach to the astonishment of all
the people men women and children there assembled
I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear and the disgrace of being
exposed in such an attitude that in the first transport I struck him down
then running back into the sea took shelter in the machine where my clothes had
been deposited I soon recollected myself so far as to do justice to the poor
fellow who in great simplicity of heart had acted from motives of fidelity
and affection Opening the door of the machine which was immediately drawn on
shore I saw him standing by the wheel dropping like a waterwork and
trembling from head to foot partly from cold and partly from the dread of
having offended his master I made my acknowledgments for the blow he had
received assured him I was not angry and insisted upon his going home
immediately to shift his clothes a command which he could hardly find in his
heart to execute so well disposed was he to furnish the mob with further
entertainment at my expence Clinkers intention was laudable without all doubt
but nevertheless I am a sufferer by his simplicity I have had a burning
heat and a strange buzzing noise in that ear ever since it was so roughly
treated and I cannot walk the street without being pointed at as the monster
that was hauled naked ashore upon the beach Well I affirm that folly is
often more provoking than knavery aye and more mischievous too and whether a
man had not better choose a sensible rogue than an honest simpleton for his
servant is no matter of doubt with
yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Scarborough July 4
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Watt
We made a precipitate retreat from Scarborough owing to the excessive
delicacy of our squire who cannot bear the thoughts of being prætereuntium
digito monstratus
One morning while he was bathing in the sea his man Clinker took it in his
head that his master was in danger of drowning and in this conceit plunging
into the water he lugged him out naked on the beach and almost pulled off his
ear in the operation You may guess how this atchievement was relished by Mr
Bramble who is impatient irascible and has the most extravagant ideas of
decency and decorum in the oeconomy of his own person In the first ebullition
of his choler he knocked Clinker down with his fist but he afterwards made him
amends for this outrage and in order to avoid the further notice of the
people among whom this incident had made him remarkable he resolved to leave
Scarborough next day
We set out accordingly over the moors by the way of Whitby and began our
journey betimes in hopes of reaching Stockton that night but in this hope we
were disappointed In the afternoon crossing a deep gutter made by a torrent
the coach was so hard strained that one of the irons which connect the frame
snapt and the leather sling on the same side cracked in the middle The shock
was so great that my sister Liddy struck her head against Mrs Tabithas nose
with such violence that the blood flowed and Win Jenkins was darted through a
small window in that part of the carriage next the horses where she stuck like
a bawd in the pillory till she was released by the hand of Mr Bramble We were
eight miles distant from any place where we could be supplied with chaises and
it was impossible to proceed with the coach until the damage should be repaired
In this dilemma we discovered a blacksmiths forge on the edge of a small
common about half a mile from the scene of our disaster and thither the
postillions made shift to draw the carriage slowly while the company walked
afoot but we found the blacksmith had been dead some days and his wife who
had been lately delivered was deprived of her senses under the care of a
nurse hired by the parish We were exceedingly mortified at this
disappointment which however was surmounted by the help of Humphry Clinker
who is a surprising compound of genius and simplicity Finding the tools of the
defunct together with some coals in the smithy he unscrewed the damaged iron
in a twinkling and kindling a fire united the broken pieces with equal
dexterity and dispatch While he was at work upon this operation the poor
woman in the straw struck with the wellknown sound of the hammer and anvil
started up and notwithstanding all the nurses efforts came running into the
smithy where throwing her arms about Clinkers neck »Ah Jacob cried she
how could you leave me in such a condition«
This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth it brought tears into the
eyes of all present The poor widow was put to bed again and we did not leave
the village without doing something for her benefit Even Tabithas charity was
awakened on this occasion As for the tenderhearted Humphry Clinker he
hammered the iron and wept at the same time But his ingenuity was not confined
to his own province of farrier and blacksmith It was necessary to join the
leather sling which had been broke and this service he likewise performed by
means of a broken awl which he newpointed and ground a little hemp which he
spun into lingels and a few tacks which he made for the purpose Upon the
whole we were in a condition to proceed in little more than an hour but even
this delay obliged us to pass the night at Gisborough Next day we crossed the
Tees at Stockton which is a neat agreeable town and there we resolved to dine
with purpose to lie at Durham
Whom should we meet in the yard when we alighted but Martin the
adventurer Having handed out the ladies and conducted them into an apartment
where he paid his compliments to Mrs Tabby with his usual address he begged
leave to speak to my uncle in another room and there in some confusion he
made an apology for having taken the liberty to trouble him with the letter at
Stevenage He expressed his hope that Mr Bramble had bestowed some
consideration on his unhappy case and repeated his desire of being taken into
his service
My uncle calling me into the room told him that we were both very well
inclined to rescue him from a way of life that was equally dangerous and
dishonourable and that he should have no scruples in trusting to his gratitude
and fidelity if he had any employment for him which he thought would suit his
qualifications and his circumstances but that all the departments he had
mentioned in his letter were filled up by persons of whose conduct he had no
reason to complain of consequence he could not without injustice deprive any
one of them of his bread Nevertheless he declared himself ready to assist him
in any feasible project either with his purse or credit
Martin seemed deeply touched at this declaration The tear started in his
eye while he said in a faultering accent »Worthy sir your generosity
oppresses me I never dreamed of troubling you for any pecuniary assistance
indeed I have no occasion I have been so lucky at billiards and betting in
different places at Buxton Harrigate Scarborough and Newcastle races that
my stock in readymoney amounts to three hundred pounds which I would willingly
employ in prosecuting some honest scheme of life but my friend justice
Buzzard has set so many springs for my life that I am under the necessity of
either retiring immediately to a remote part of the country where I can enjoy
the protection of some generous patron or of quitting the kingdom altogether
It is upon this alternative that I now beg leave to ask your advice I have had
information of all your route since I had the honour to see you at Stevenage
and supposing you would come this way from Scarborough I came hither last
night from Darlington to pay you my respects«
»It would be no difficult matter to provide you with an asylum in the
country replied my uncle but a life of indolence and obscurity would not suit
with your active and enterprizing disposition I would therefore advise you to
try your fortune in the East Indies will give you a letter to a friend in
London who will recommend you to the direction for a commission in the
companys service and if that cannot be obtained you will at least be received
as a volunteer in which case you may pay for your passage and I shall
undertake to procure you such credentials that you will not be long without a
commission«
Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness it was therefore
resolved that he should sell his horse and take a passage by sea for London
to execute the project without delay In the mean time he accompanied us to
Durham where we took up our quarters for the night Here being furnished with
letters from my uncle he took his leave of us with strong symptoms of
gratitude and attachment and set out for Sunderland in order to embark in the
first collier bound for the river Thames He had not been gone half an hour
when we were joined by another character which promised something extraordinary
A tall meagre figure answering with his horse the description of Don
Quixote mounted on Rozinante appeared in the twilight at the inn door while my
aunt and Liddy stood at a window in the diningroom He wore a coat the cloth
of which had once been scarlet trimmed with Brandenburgs now totally deprived
of their metal and he had holstercaps and housing of the same stuff and same
antiquity Perceiving ladies at the window above he endeavoured to dismount
with the most graceful air he could assume but the ostler neglecting to hold
the stirrup when he wheeled off his right foot and stood with his whole weight
on the other the girth unfortunately gave way the saddle turned down came the
cavalier to the ground and his hat and periwig falling off displayed a
headpiece of various colours patched and plaistered in a woeful condition
The ladies at the window above shrieked with affright on the supposition that
the stranger had received some notable damages in his fall but the greatest
injury he had sustained arose from the dishonour of his descent aggravated by
the disgrace of exposing the condition of his cranium for certain plebeians
that were about the door laughed aloud in the belief that the captain had got
either a scald head or a broken head both equally opprobrious
He forthwith leaped up in a fury and snatching one of his pistols
threatened to put the ostler to death when another squall from the women
checked his resentment He then bowed to the window while he kissed the butend
of his pistol which he replaced adjusted his wig in great confusion and led
his horse into the stable By this time I had come to the door and could not
help gazing at the strange figure that presented itself to my view He would
have measured above six feet in height had he stood upright but he stooped
very much was very narrow in the shoulders and very thick in the calves of his
legs which were cased in black spatterdashes As for his thighs they were
long and slender like those of a grasshopper his face was at least half a
yard in length brown and shrivelled with projecting cheekbones little grey
eyes on the greenish hue a large hooknose a pointed chin a mouth from ear to
ear very ill furnished with teeth and a high narrow forehead well furrowed
with wrinkles His horse was exactly in the stile of its rider a resurrection
of dry bones which as we afterwards learned he valued exceedingly as the
only present he had ever received in his life
Having seen this favourite steed properly accommodated in the stable he
sent up his compliments to the ladies begging permission to thank them in
person for the marks of concern they had shewn at his disaster in the courtyard
As the squire said they could not decently decline his visit he was shewn up
stairs and paid his respects in the Scotch dialect with much formality
»Leddies said he perhaps ye may be scandaleezed at the appearance my heed
made when it was uncovered by accident but I can assure you the condition you
saw it in is neither the effects of disease nor of drunkenness but an honest
scar received in the service of my country« He then gave us to understand that
having been wounded at Ticonderoga in America a party of Indians rifled him
scalped him broke his scull with the blow of a tomahawk and left him for dead
on the field of battle but that being afterwards found with signs of life he
had been cured in the French hospital though the loss of substance could not be
repaired so that the scull was left naked in several places and these he
covered with patches
There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner taken than that of
compassion We were immediately interested in behalf of this veteran Even
Tabbys heart was melted but our pity was warmed with indignation when we
learned that in the course of two sanguinary wars he had been wounded maimed
mutilated taken and enslaved without ever having attained a higher rank than
that of lieutenant My uncles eyes gleamed and his nether lip quivered while
he exclaimed »I vow to God sir your case is a reproach to the service The
injustice you have met with is so flagrant « »I must crave your pardon sir
cried the other interrupting him I complain of no injustice I purchased an
ensigncy thirty years ago and in the course of service rose to be a
lieutenant according to my seniority « »But in such a length of time resumed
the squire you must have seen a great many young officers put over your head
« »Nevertheless said he I have no cause to murmur They bought their
preferment with their money I had no money to carry to market that was my
misfortune but no body was to blame « »What no friend to advance a sum of
money« said Mr Bramble »Perhaps I might have borrowed money for the purchase
of a company answered the other but that loan must have been refunded and I
did not choose to incumber myself with a debt of a thousand pounds to be paid
from an income of ten shillings aday« »So you have spent the best part of your
life cried Mr Bramble your youth your blood and your constitution amidst
the dangers the difficulties the horrors and hardships of war for the
consideration of three or four shillings aday a consideration « »Sir
replied the Scot with great warmth you are the man that does me injustice if
you say or think I have been actuated by any such paltry consideration I am a
gentleman and entered the service as other gentlemen do with such hopes and
sentiments as honourable ambition inspires If I have not been lucky in the
lottery of life so neither do I think myself unfortunate I owe to no man a
farthing I can always command a clean shirt a muttonchop and a truss of
straw and when I die I shall leave effects sufficient to defray the expence of
my burial«
My uncle assured him he had no intention to give him the least offence by
the observations he had made but on the contrary spoke from a sentiment of
friendly regard to his interest The lieutenant thanked him with a stiffness of
civility which nettled our old gentleman who perceived that his moderation was
all affected for whatsoever his tongue might declare his whole appearance
denoted dissatisfaction In short without pretending to judge of his military
merit I think I may affirm that this Caledonian is a selfconceited pedant
aukward rude and disputacious He has had the benefit of a school education
seems to have read a good number of books his memory is tenacious and he
pretends to speak several different languages but he is so addicted to
wrangling that he will cavil at the clearest truths and in the pride of
argumentation attempt to reconcile contradictions Whether his address and
qualifications are really of that stamp which is agreeable to the taste of our
aunt Mrs Tabitha or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot at every
sort of game certain it is she has begun to practise upon the heart of the
lieutenant who favoured us with his company to supper
I have many other things to say of this man of war which I shall
communicate in a post or two mean while it is but reasonable that you should
be indulged with some respite from those weary lucubrations of
Yours
J MELFORD
Newcastle upon Tyne July 10
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
In my last I treated you with a high flavoured dish in the character of the
Scotch lieutenant and I must present him once more for your entertainment It
was our fortune to feed upon him the best part of three days and I do not doubt
that he will start again in our way before we shall have finished our northern
excursion The day after our meeting with him at Durham proved so tempestuous
that we did not choose to proceed on our journey and my uncle persuaded him to
stay till the weather should clear up giving him at the same time a general
invitation to our mess The man has certainly gathered a whole budget of shrewd
observations but he brings them forth in such an ungracious manner as would be
extremely disgusting if it was not marked by that characteristic oddity which
never fails to attract the attention He and Mr Bramble discoursed and even
disputed on different subjects in war policy the belles lettres law and
metaphysics and sometimes they were warmed into such altercation as seemed to
threaten an abrupt dissolution of their society but Mr Bramble set a guard
over his own irascibility the more vigilantly as the officer was his guest and
when in spite of all his efforts he began to wax warm the other prudently
cooled in the same proportion
Mrs Tabitha chancing to accost her brother by the familiar diminutive of
Matt »Pray sir said the lieutenant is your name Matthias« You must know
it is one of our uncles foibles to be ashamed of his name Matthew because it
is puritanical and this question chagrined him so much that he answered »No
by Gd« in a very abrupt tone of displeasure The Scot took umbrage at the
manner of his reply and bristling up »If I had known said he that you did
not care to tell your name I should not have asked the question The leddy
called you Matt and I naturally thought it was Matthias perhaps it may be
Methuselah or Metrodorus or Metellus or Mathurinus or Malthinnus or
Matamorus or « »No cried my uncle laughing it is neither of those captain
my name is Matthew Bramble at your service The truth is I have a foolish
pique at the name of Matthew because it savours of those canting hypocrites
who in Cromwells time christened all their children by names taken from the
scripture« »A foolish pique indeed cried Mrs Tabby and even sinful to
fall out with your name because it is taken from holy writ I would have you
to know you was called after greatuncle Matthew ap Madoc ap Meredith esquire
of Llanwysthin in Montgomeryshire justice of the quorum and crusty
ruttleorum a gentleman of great worth and property descended in a strait line
by the female side from Llewellyn prince of Wales«
This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some impression upon the
NorthBriton who bowed very low to the descendants of Llewellyn and observed
that he himself had the honour of a scriptural nomination The lady expressing a
desire of knowing his address he said he designed himself Lieutenant Obadiah
Lismahago and in order to assist her memory he presented her with a slip of
paper inscribed with these three words which she repeated with great emphasis
declaring it was one of the most noble and sonorous names she had ever heard
He observed that Obadiah was an adventitious appellation derived from his
greatgrandfather who had been one of the original covenanters but Lismahago
was the family surname taken from a place in Scotland so called He likewise
dropped some hints about the antiquity of his pedigree adding with a smile of
selfdenial Sed genus et proavos et quæ non fecimus ipsi vix ea nostra voco
which quotation he explained in deference to the ladies and Mrs Tabitha did
not fail to compliment him on his modesty in waving the merit of his ancestry
adding that it was the less necessary to him as he had such a considerable
fund of his own She now began to glew herself to his favour with the grossest
adulation She expatiated upon the antiquity and virtues of the Scottish
nation upon their valour probity learning and politeness She even
descended to encomiums on his own personal address his gallantry good sense
and erudition She appealed to her brother whether the captain was not the
very image of our cousin governor Griffith She discovered a surprising
eagerness to know the particulars of his life and asked a thousand questions
concerning his atchievements in war all which Mr Lismahago answered with a
sort of jesuitical reserve affecting a reluctance to satisfy her curiosity on a
subject that concerned his own exploits
By dint of her interrogations however we learned that he and ensign
Murphy had made their escape from the French hospital at Montreal and taken to
the woods in hope of reaching some English settlement but mistaking their
route they fell in with a party of Miamis who carried them away in captivity
The intention of these Indians was to give one of them as an adopted son to a
venerable sachem who had lost his own in the course of the war and to
sacrifice the other according to the custom of the country Murphy as being the
younger and handsomer of the two was designed to fill the place of the
deceased not only as the son of the sachem but as the spouse of a beautiful
squaw to whom his predecessor had been betrothed but in passing through the
different whigwhams or villages of the Miamis poor Murphy was so mangled by the
women and children who have the privilege of torturing all prisoners in their
passage that by the time they arrived at the place of the sachems residence
he was rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of marriage it was
determined therefore in the assembly of the warriors that ensign Murphy
should be brought to the stake and that the lady should be given to lieutenant
Lismahago who had likewise received his share of torments though they had not
produced emasculation A joint of one finger had been cut or rather sawed off
with a rusty knife one of his great toes was crushed into a mash betwixt two
stones some of his teeth were drawn or dug out with a crooked nail splintered
reeds had been thrust up his nostrils and other tender parts and the calves of
his legs had been blown up with mines of gunpowder dug in the flesh with the
sharp point of the tomahawk
The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died with great heroism singing
as his death song the Drimmendoo in concert with Mr Lismahago who was
present at the solemnity After the warriors and the matrons had made a hearty
meal upon the muscular flesh which they pared from the victim and had applied a
great variety of tortures which he bore without flinching an old lady with a
sharp knife scooped out one of his eyes and put a burning coal in the socket
The pain of this operation was so exquisite that he could not help bellowing
upon which the audience raised a shout of exultation and one of the warriors
stealing behind him gave him the coup de grace with a hatchet
Lismahagos bride the squaw Squinkinacoosta distinguished herself on this
occasion She shewed a great superiority of genius in the tortures which she
contrived and executed with her own hands She vied with the stoutest warrior
in eating the flesh of the sacrifice and after all the other females were
fuddled with dramdrinking she was not so intoxicated but that she was able to
play the game of the platter with the conjuring sachem and afterwards go
through the ceremony of her own wedding which was consummated that same
evening The captain had lived very happily with this accomplished squaw for two
years during which she bore him a son who is now the representative of his
mothers tribe but at length to his unspeakable grief she had died of a
fever occasioned by eating too much raw bear which they had killed in a
hunting excursion
By this time Mr Lismahago was elected sachem acknowledged first warrior
of the Badger tribe and dignified with the name or epithet of
Occacanastaogarora which signifies nimble as a weasel but all these advantages
and honours he was obliged to resign in consequence of being exchanged for the
orator of the community who had been taken prisoner by the Indians that were in
alliance with the English At the peace he had sold out upon halfpay and was
returned to Britain with a view to pass the rest of his life in his own
country where he hoped to find some retreat where his slender finances would
afford him a decent subsistence Such are the outlines of Mr Lismahagos
history to which Tabitha did seriously incline her ear indeed she seemed to
be taken with the same charms that captivated the heart of Desdemona who loved
the Moor for the dangers he had past
The description of poor Murphys sufferings which threw my sister Liddy
into a swoon extracted some sighs from the breast of Mrs Tabby when she
understood he had been rendered unfit for marriage she began to spit and
ejaculated »Jesus what cruel barbarians« and she made wry faces at the ladys
nuptial repast but she was eagerly curious to know the particulars of her
marriagedress whether she wore highbreasted stays or boddice a robe of silk
or velvet and laces of Mechlin or minionette she supposed as they were
connected with the French she used rouge and had her hair dressed in the
Parisian fashion The captain would have declined giving a categorical
explanation of all these particulars observing in general that the Indians
were too tenacious of their own customs to adopt the modes of any nation
whatsoever he said moreover that neither the simplicity of their manners nor
the commerce of their country would admit of those articles of luxury which are
deemed magnificence in Europe and that they were too virtuous and sensible to
encourage the introduction of any fashion which might help to render them
corrupt and effeminate
These observations served only to inflame her desire of knowing the
particulars about which she had enquired and with all his evasion he could
not help discovering the following circumstances that his princess had neither
shoes stockings shift nor any kind of linen that her bridal dress consisted
of a petticoat of red bays and a fringed blanket fastened about her shoulders
with a copper skewer but of ornaments she had great plenty Her hair was
curiously plaited and interwoven with bobbins of human bone one eyelid was
painted green and the other yellow the cheeks were blue the lips white the
teeth red and there was a black list drawn down the middle of the forehead as
far as the tip of the nose a couple of gaudy parrots feathers were stuck
through the division of the nostrils there was a blue stone set in the chin
her earrings consisted of two pieces of hickery of the size and shape of
drumsticks her arms and legs were adorned with bracelets of wampum her
breast glittered with numerous strings of glass beads she wore a curious
pouch or pocket of woven grass elegantly painted with various colours about
her neck was hung the fresh scalp of a Mohawk warrior whom her deceased lover
had lately slain in battle and finally she was anointed from head to foot
with bears grease which sent forth a most agreeable odour
One would imagine that these paraphernalia would not have been much admired
by a modern fine lady but Mrs Tabitha was resolved to approve of all the
captains connexions She wished indeed the squaw had been better provided
with linen but she owned there was much taste and fancy in her ornaments she
made no doubt therefore that madam Squinkinacoosta was a young lady of good
sense and rare accomplishments and a good christian at bottom Then she asked
whether his consort had been highchurch or lowchurch presbyterian or
anabaptist or had been favoured with any glimmering of the new light of the
gospel When he confessed that she and her whole nation were utter strangers to
the christian faith she gazed at him with signs of astonishment and Humphry
Clinker who chanced to be in the room uttered a hollow groan
After some pause »In the name of God captain Lismahago cried she what
religion do they profess« »As to religion madam answered the lieutenant it
is among those Indians a matter of great simplicity they never heard of any
Alliance between Church and State They in general worship two contending
principles one the Fountain of all Good the other the source of evil The
common people there as in other countries run into the absurdities of
superstition but sensible men pay adoration to a Supreme Being who created and
sustains the universe« »O what pity exclaimed the pious Tabby that some
holy man has not been inspired to go and convert these poor heathens«
The lieutenant told her that while he resided among them two French
missionaries arrived in order to convert them to the catholic religion but
when they talked of mysteries and revelations which they could neither explain
nor authenticate and called in the evidence of miracles which they believed
upon hearsay when they taught that the Supreme Creator of Heaven and Earth had
allowed his only Son his own equal in power and glory to enter the bowels of a
woman to be born as a human creature to be insulted flagellated and even
executed as a malefactor when they pretended to create God himself to swallow
digest revive and multiply him ad infinitum by the help of a little flour and
water the Indians were shocked at the impiety of their presumption They were
examined by the assembly of the sachems who desired them to prove the divinity
of their mission by some miracle They answered that it was not in their
power »If you were really sent by Heaven for our conversion said one of the
sachems you would certainly have some supernatural endowments at least you
would have the gift of tongues in order to explain your doctrine to the
different nations among which you are employed but you are so ignorant of our
language that you cannot express yourselves even on the most trifling
subjects«
In a word the assembly were convinced of their being cheats and even
suspected them of being spies they ordered them a bag of Indian corn apiece
and appointed a guide to conduct them to the frontiers but the missionaries
having more zeal than discretion refused to quit the vineyard They persisted
in saying mass in preaching baptizing and squabbling with the conjurers or
priests of the country till they had thrown the whole community into confusion
Then the assembly proceeded to try them as impious impostors who represented
the Almighty as a trifling weak capricious being and pretended to make
unmake and reproduce him at pleasure they were therefore convicted of
blasphemy and sedition and condemned to the stake where they died singing
Salve regina in a rapture of joy for the crown of martyrdom which they had
thus obtained
In the course of this conversation lieutenant Lismahago dropt some hints by
which it appeared he himself was a freethinker Our aunt seemed to be startled
at certain sarcasms he threw out against the creed of saint Athanasius He
dwelt much upon the words reason philosophy and contradiction in terms he
bid defiance to the eternity of hellfire and even threw such squibs at the
immortality of the soul as singed a little the whiskers of Mrs Tabithas
faith for by this time she began to look upon Lismahago as a prodigy of
learning and sagacity In short he could be no longer insensible to the
advances she made towards his affection and although there was something
repulsive in his nature he overcame it so far as to make some return to her
civilities Perhaps he thought it would be no bad scheme in a superannuated
lieutenant on halfpay to effect a conjunction with an old maid who in all
probability had fortune enough to keep him easy and comfortable in the fagend
of his days An ogling correspondence forthwith commenced between this amiable
pair of originals He began to sweeten the natural acidity of his discourse
with the treacle of compliment and commendation He from time to time offered
her snuff of which he himself took great quantities and even made her a
present of a purse of silk grass woven by the hands of the amiable
Squinkinacoosta who had used it as a shotpouch in her hunting expeditions
From Doncaster northwards all the windows of all the inns are scrawled with
doggrel rhimes in abuse of the Scotch nation and what surprized me very much
I did not perceive one line written in the way of recrimination Curious to
hear what Lismahago would say on this subject I pointed out to him a very
scurrilous epigram against his countrymen which was engraved on one of the
windows of the parlour where we sat He read it with the most starched
composure and when I asked his opinion of the poetry »It is vara terse and
vara poignant said he but with the help of a wat dishclout it might be
rendered more clear and parspicous I marvel much that some modern wit has not
published a collection of these essays under the title of the Glaziers Triumph
over Sawney the Scot Im persuaded it would be a vara agreeable offering to
the patriots of London and Westminster« When I expressed some surprize that the
natives of Scotland who travel this way had not broke all the windows upon the
road »With submission replied the lieutenant that were but shallow policy
it would only serve to make the satire more cutting and severe and I think it
is much better to let it stand in the window than have it presented in the
reckoning«
My uncles jaws began to quiver with indignation He said the scribblers
of such infamous stuff deserved to be scourged at the carts tail for disgracing
their country with such monuments of malice and stupidity »These vermin said
he do not consider that they are affording their fellowsubjects whom they
abuse continual matter of selfgratulation as well as the means of executing
the most manly vengeance that can be taken for such low illiberal attacks For
my part I admire the philosophic forbearance of the Scots as much as I despise
the insolence of those wretched libellers which is akin to the arrogance of the
village cock who never crows but upon his own dunghill« The captain with an
affectation of candour observed that men of illiberal minds were produced in
every soil that in supposing those were the sentiments of the English in
general he should pay too great a compliment to his own country which was not
of consequence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing and powerful
people
Mrs Tabby broke forth again in praise of his moderation and declared that
Scotland was the soil which produced every virtue under heaven When Lismahago
took his leave for the night she asked her brother if the captain was not the
prettiest gentleman he had ever seen and whether there was not something
wonderfully engaging in his aspect Mr Bramble having eyed her some time in
silence »Sister said he the lieutenant is for aught I know an honest man
and a good officer he has a considerable share of understanding and a title
to more encouragement than he seems to have met with in life but I cannot with
a safe conscience affirm that he is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw
neither can I discern any engaging charm in his countenance which I vow to
Gad is on the contrary very hardfavoured and forbidding«
I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this NorthBriton who is
really a curiosity but he has been very shy of my conversation ever since I
laughed at his asserting that the English tongue was spoke with more propriety
at Edinburgh than at London Looking at me with a double squeeze of souring in
his aspect »If the old definition be true said he that risibility is the
distinguishing characteristic of a rational creature the English are the most
distinguished for rationality of any people I ever knew« I owned that the
English were easily struck with any thing that appeared ludicrous and apt to
laugh accordingly but it did not follow that because they were more given to
laughter they had more rationality than their neighbours I said such an
inference would be an injury to the Scots who were by no means defective in
rationality though generally supposed little subject to the impressions of
humour
The captain answered that this supposition must have been deduced either
from their conversation or their compositions of which the English could not
possibly judge with precision as they did not understand the dialect used by
the Scots in common discourse as well as in their works of humour When I
desired to know what those works of humour were he mentioned a considerable
number of pieces which he insisted were equal in point of humour to any thing
extant in any language dead or living He in particular recommended a
collection of detached poems in two small volumes intituled The Evergreen
and the works of Allan Ramsay which I intend to provide myself with at
Edinburgh He observed that a NorthBriton is seen to a disadvantage in an
English company because he speaks in a dialect that they cant relish and in a
phraseology which they dont understand He therefore finds himself under a
restraint which is a great enemy to wit and humour These are faculties which
never appear in full lustre but when the mind is perfectly at ease and as an
excellent writer says enjoys her elbowroom
He proceeded to explain his assertion that the English language was spoken
with greater propriety at Edinburgh than in London He said what we generally
called the Scottish dialect was in fact true genuine old English with a
mixture of some French terms and idioms adopted in a long intercourse betwixt
the French and Scotch nations that the modern English from affectation and
false refinement had weakened and even corrupted their language by throwing
out the guttural sounds altering the pronunciation and the quantity and
disusing many words and terms of great significance In consequence of these
innovations the works of our best poets such as Chaucer Spenser and even
Shakespeare were become in many parts unintelligible to the natives of
SouthBritain whereas the Scots who retain the antient language understand
them without the help of a glossary »For instance said he how have your
commentators been puzzled by the following expression in the Tempest Hes
gentle and not fearful as if it was a paralogism to say that being gentle he
must of course be courageous but the truth is one of the original meanings if
not the sole meaning of that word was noble highminded and to this day a
Scotch woman in the situation of the young lady in the Tempest would express
herself nearly in the same terms Dont provoke him for being gentle that is
highspirited he wont tamely bear an insult Spenser in the very first stanza
of his Fairy Queen says
A gentle knight was pricking on the plain
which knight far from being tame and fearful was so stout that
Nothing did he dread but ever was ydrad«
To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language by false refinement he
mentioned the following words which though widely different in signification
are pronounced exactly in the same manner wright write right rite but
among the Scots these words are as different in pronunciation as they are in
meaning and orthography and this is the case with many others which he
mentioned by way of illustration He moreover took notice that we had for
what reason he could never learn altered the sound of our vowels from that
which is retained by all the nations in Europe an alteration which rendered the
language extremely difficult to foreigners and made it almost impracticable to
lay down general rules for orthography and pronunciation Besides the vowels
were no longer simple sounds in the mouth of an Englishman who pronounced both
i and u as diphthongs Finally he affirmed that we mumbled our speech with our
lips and teeth and ran the words together without pause or distinction in such
a manner that a foreigner though he understood English tolerably well was
often obliged to have recourse to a Scotchman to explain what a native of
England had said in his own language
The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr Bramble from his own
experience but he accounted for it on another principle He said the same
observation would hold in all languages that a Swiss talking French was more
easily understood than a Parisian by a foreigner who had not made himself
master of the language because every language had its peculiar recitative and
it would always require more pains attention and practice to acquire both the
words and the music than to learn the words only and yet no body would deny
that the one was imperfect without the other he therefore apprehended that the
Scotchman and the Swiss were better understood by learners because they spoke
the words only without the music which they could not rehearse One would
imagine this check might have damped the NorthBriton but it served only to
agitate his humour for disputation He said if every nation had its own
recitative or music the Scots had theirs and the Scotchman who had not yet
acquired the cadence of the English would naturally use his own in speaking
their language therefore if he was better understood than the native his
recitative must be more intelligible than that of the English of consequence
the dialect of the Scots had an advantage over that of their fellow subjects
and this was another strong presumption that the modern English had corrupted
their language in the article of pronunciation
The lieutenant was by this time become so polemical that every time he
opened his mouth out flew a paradox which he maintained with all the enthusiasm
of altercation but all his paradoxes savoured strong of a partiality for his
own country He undertook to prove that poverty was a blessing to a nation that
oatmeal was preferable to wheatflour and that the worship of Cloacina in
temples which admitted both sexes and every rank of votaries promiscuously was
a filthy species of idolatry that outraged every idea of delicacy and decorum I
did not so much wonder at his broaching these doctrines as at the arguments
equally whimsical and ingenious which he adduced in support of them
In fine lieutenant Lismahago is a curiosity which I have not yet
sufficiently perused and therefore I shall be sorry when we lose his company
though God knows there is nothing very amiable in his manner or disposition
As he goes directly to the southwest division of Scotland and we proceed in
the road to Berwick we shall part tomorrow at a place called Feltonbridge
and I dare say this separation will be very grievous to our aunt Mrs Tabitha
unless she has received some flattering assurance of his meeting her again If I
fail in my purpose of entertaining you with these unimportant occurrences they
will at least serve as exercises of patience for which you are indebted to
Yours always
J MELFORD
Morpeth July 13
To Dr Lewis
Dear Doctor
I have now reached the northern extremity of England and see close to my
chamberwindow the Tweed gliding through the arches of that bridge which
connects this suburb to the town of Berwick Yorkshire you have seen and
therefore I shall say nothing of that opulent province The city of Durham
appears like a confused heap of stones and brick accumulated so as to cover a
mountain round which a river winds its brawling course The streets are
generally narrow dark and unpleasant and many of them almost impassable in
consequence of their declivity The cathedral is a huge gloomy pile but the
clergy are well lodged The bishop lives in a princely manner the golden
prebends keep plentiful tables and I am told there is some good sociable
company in the place but the country when viewed from the top of Gateshead
Fell which extends to Newcastle exhibits the highest scene of cultivation that
ever I beheld As for Newcastle it lies mostly in a bottom on the banks of the
Tyne and makes an appearance still more disagreeable than that of Durham but
it is rendered populous and rich by industry and commerce and the country lying
on both sides the river above the town yields a delightful prospect of
agriculture and plantations Morpeth and Alnwick are neat pretty towns and
this last is famous for the castle which has belonged so many ages to the noble
house of Piercy earls of Northumberland It is doubtless a large edifice
containing a great number of apartments and stands in a commanding situation
but the strength of it seems to have consisted not so much in its site or the
manner in which it is fortified as in the valour of its defendants
Our adventures since we left Scarborough are scarce worth reciting and yet
I must make you acquainted with my sister Tabbys progress in husbandhunting
after her disappointments at Bath and London She had actually begun to practise
upon a certain adventurer who was in fact a highwayman by profession but he
had been used to snares much more dangerous than any she could lay and escaped
accordingly Then she opened her batteries upon an old weatherbeaten Scotch
lieutenant called Lismahago who joined us at Durham and is I think one of
the most singular personages I ever encountered His manner is as harsh as his
countenance but his peculiar turn of thinking and his pack of knowledge made
up of the remnants of rarities rendered his conversation desirable in spite of
his pedantry and ungracious address I have often met with a crabapple in a
hedge which I have been tempted to eat for its flavour even while I was
disgusted by its austerity The spirit of contradiction is naturally so strong
in Lismahago that I believe in my conscience he has rummaged and read and
studied with indefatigable attention in order to qualify himself to refute
established maxims and thus raise trophies for the gratification of polemical
pride Such is the asperity of his selfconceit that he will not even
acquiesce in a transient compliment made to his own individual in particular or
to his country in general
When I observed that he must have read a vast number of books to be able to
discourse on such a variety of subjects he declared he had read little or
nothing and asked how he should find books among the woods of America where he
had spent the greatest part of his life My nephew remarking that the Scots in
general were famous for their learning he denied the imputation and defied him
to prove it from their works »The Scots said he have a slight tincture of
letters with which they make a parade among people who are more illiterate than
themselves but they may be said to float on the surface of science and they
have made very small advances in the useful arts« »At least cried Tabby all
the world allows that the Scots behaved gloriously in fighting and conquering
the savages of America« »I can assure you madam you have been misinformed
replied the lieutenant in that continent the Scots did nothing more than their
duty nor was there one corps in his majestys service that distinguished itself
more than another Those who affected to extol the Scots for superior merit
were no friends to that nation«
Though he himself made free with his countrymen he would not suffer any
other person to glance a sarcasm at them with impunity One of the company
chancing to mention lord Bs inglorious peace the lieutenant immediately took
up the cudgels in his lordships favour and argued very strenuously to prove
that it was the most honourable and advantageous peace that England had ever
made since the foundation of the monarchy Nay between friends he offered
such reasons on this subject that I was really confounded if not convinced
He would not allow that the Scots abounded above their proportion in the army
and navy of Great Britain or that the English had any reason to say his
countrymen had met with extraordinary encouragement in the service »When a
South and NorthBriton said he are competitors for a place or commission
which is in the disposal of an English minister or an English general it would
be absurd to suppose that the preference will not be given to the native of
England who has so many advantages over his rival First and foremost he has
in his favour that laudable partiality which Mr Addison says never fails to
cleave to the heart of an Englishman secondly he has more powerful connexions
and a greater share of parliamentary interest by which those contests are
generally decided and lastly he has a greater command of money to smooth the
way to his success For my own part said he I know no Scotch officer who has
risen in the army above the rank of a subaltern without purchasing every degree
of preferment either with money or recruits but I know many gentlemen of that
country who for want of money and interest have grown grey in the rank of
lieutenants whereas very few instances of this illfortune are to be found
among the natives of SouthBritain Not that I would insinuate that my
countrymen have the least reason to complain Preferment in the service like
success in any other branch of traffic will naturally favour those who have the
greatest stock of cash and credit merit and capacity being supposed equal on
all sides«
But the most hardy of all this originals positions were these That
commerce would sooner or later prove the ruin of every nation where it
flourishes to any extent that the parliament was the rotten part of the
British constitution that the liberty of the press was a national evil and
that the boasted institution of juries as managed in England was productive of
shameful perjury and flagrant injustice He observed that traffick was an enemy
to all the liberal passions of the soul founded on the thirst of lucre a
sordid disposition to take advantage of the necessities of our fellowcreatures
He affirmed the nature of commerce was such that it could not be fixed or
perpetuated but having flowed to a certain height would immediately begin to
ebb and so continue till the channels should be left almost dry but there was
no instance of the tides rising a second time to any considerable influx in the
same nation Mean while the sudden affluence occasioned by trade forced open
all the sluices of luxury and overflowed the land with every species of
profligacy and corruption a total pravity of manners would ensue and this must
be attended with bankruptcy and ruin He observed of the parliament that the
practice of buying boroughs and canvassing for votes was an avowed system of
venality already established on the ruins of principle integrity faith and
good order in consequence of which the elected and the elector and in short
the whole body of the people were equally and universally contaminated and
corrupted He affirmed that of a parliament thus constituted the crown would
always have influence enough to secure a great majority in its dependence from
the great number of posts places and pensions it had to bestow that such a
parliament would as it had already done lengthen the term of its sitting and
authority whenever the prince should think it for his interest to continue the
representatives for without doubt they had the same right to protract their
authority ad infinitum as they had to extend it from three to seven years
With a parliament therefore dependent upon the crown devoted to the prince
and supported by a standing army garbled and modelled for the purpose any king
of England may and probably some ambitious sovereign will totally overthrow
all the bulwarks of the constitution for it is not to be supposed that a prince
of a high spirit will tamely submit to be thwarted in all his measures abused
and insulted by a populace of unbridled ferocity when he has it in his power to
crush all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of the legislature He
said he should always consider the liberty of the press as a national evil
while it enabled the vilest reptile to soil the lustre of the most shining
merit and furnished the most infamous incendiary with the means of disturbing
the peace and destroying the good order of the community He owned however
that under due restrictions it would be a valuable privilege but affirmed
that at present there was no law in England sufficient to restrain it within
proper bounds
With respect to juries he expressed himself to this effect Juries are
generally composed of illiterate plebeians apt to be mistaken easily misled
and open to sinister influence for if either of the parties to be tried can
gain over one of the twelve jurors he has secured the verdict in his favour
the juryman thus brought over will in despite of all evidence and conviction
generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued and harrassed and starved
into concurrence in which case the verdict is unjust and the jurors are all
perjured but cases will often occur when the jurors are really divided in
opinion and each side is convinced in opposition to the other but no verdict
will be received unless they are unanimous and they are all bound not only in
conscience but by oath to judge and declare according to their conviction
What then will be the consequence They must either starve in company or one
side must sacrifice their conscience to their convenience and join in a verdict
which they believe to be false This absurdity is avoided in Sweden where a
bare majority is sufficient and in Scotland where twothirds of the jury are
required to concur in the verdict
You must not imagine that all these deductions were made on his part
without contradiction on mine No the truth is I found myself piqued in
point of honour at his pretending to be so much wiser than his neighbours I
questioned all his assertions started innumerable objections argued and
wrangled with uncommon perseverance and grew very warm and even violent in
the debate Sometimes he was puzzled and once or twice I think fairly
refuted but from those falls he rose again like Antæus with redoubled vigour
till at length I was tired exhausted and really did not know how to proceed
when luckily he dropped a hint by which he discovered he had been bred to the
law a confession which enabled me to retire from the dispute with a good grace
as it could not be supposed that a man like me who had been bred to nothing
should be able to cope with a veteran in his own profession I believe however
that I shall for some time continue to chew the cud of reflection upon many
observations which this original discharged
Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with his conversation or is
resolved to throw at every thing she meets in the shape of a man till she can
fasten the matrimonial noose certain it is she has taken desperate strides
towards the affection of Lismahago who cannot be said to have met her half way
tho he does not seem altogether insensible to her civilities She insinuated
more than once how happy we should be to have his company through that part of
Scotland which we proposed to visit till at length he plainly told us that his
road was totally different from that which we intended to take that for his
part his company would be of very little service to us in our progress as he
was utterly unacquainted with the country which he had left in his early youth
consequently he could neither direct us in our inquiries nor introduce us to
any family of distinction He said he was stimulated by an irresistible impulse
to revisit the paternus lar or patria domus though he expected little
satisfaction inasmuch as he understood that his nephew the present possessor
was but ill qualified to support the honour of the family He assured us
however as we design to return by the west road that he will watch our
motions and endeavour to pay his respects to us at Dumfries Accordingly he
took his leave of us at a place half way betwixt Morpeth and Alnwick and
pranced away in great state mounted on a tall meagre rawboned shambling
grey gelding without eer a tooth in his head the very counterpart of the
rider and indeed the appearance of the two was so picturesque that I would
give twenty guineas to have them tolerably represented on canvas
Northumberland is a fine county extending to the Tweed which is a pleasant
pastoral stream but you will be surprised when I tell you that the English side
of that river is neither so well cultivated nor so populous as the other The
farms are thinly scattered the lands uninclosed and scarce a gentlemans seat
is to be seen in some miles from the Tweed whereas the Scots are advanced in
crowds to the very brink of the river so that you may reckon above thirty good
houses in the compass of a few miles belonging to proprietors whose ancestors
had fortified castles in the same situations a circumstance that shews what
dangerous neighbours the Scots must have formerly been to the northern counties
of England
Our domestic oeconomy continues on the old footing My sister Tabby still
adheres to methodism and had the benefit of a sermon at Wesleys meeting in
Newcastle but I believe the passion of love has in some measure abated the
fervour of devotion both in her and her woman Mrs Jenkins about whose good
graces there has been a violent contest betwixt my nephews valet Mr Dutton
and my man Humphry Clinker Jery has been obliged to interpose his authority
to keep the peace and to him I have left the discussion of that important
affair which had like to have kindled the flames of discord in the family of
Yours always
MATT BRAMBLE
Tweedmouth July 15
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Wat
In my two last you had so much of Lismahago that I suppose you are glad he
is gone off the stage for the present I must now descend to domestic
occurrences Love it seems is resolved to assert his dominion over all the
females of our family After having practised upon poor Liddys heart and
played strange vagaries with our aunt Mrs Tabitha he began to run riot in the
affections of her woman Mrs Winifred Jenkins whom I have had occasion to
mention more than once in the course of our memoirs Nature intended Jenkins for
something very different from the character of her mistress yet custom and
habit have effected a wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars
Win to be sure is much younger and more agreeable in her person she is
likewise tenderhearted and benevolent qualities for which her mistress is by
no means remarkable no more than she is for being of a timorous disposition
and much subject to fits of the mother which are the infirmities of Wins
constitution but then she seems to have adopted Mrs Tabbys manner with her
cast cloaths She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress although
her own looks are much more engaging She enters into her scheme of oeconomy
learns her phrases repeats her remarks imitates her stile in scolding the
inferior servants and finally subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion
This indeed she found the more agreeable as it was in a great measure
introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker with whose personal merit
she seems to have been struck ever since he exhibited the pattern of his naked
skin at Marlborough
Nevertheless though Humphry had this double hank upon her inclinations and
exerted all his power to maintain the conquest he had made he found it
impossible to guard it on the side of vanity where poor Win was as frail as any
female in the kingdom In short my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer
and by dint of his outlandish qualifications threw his rival Clinker out of
the saddle of her heart Humphry may be compared to an English pudding composed
of good wholesome flour and suet and Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth which
though agreeable to the taste has nothing solid or substantial The traitor not
only dazzled her with his secondhand finery but he fawned and flattered and
cringed he taught her to take rappee and presented her with a snuffbox of
papier maché he supplied her with a powder for her teeth he mended her
complexion and he dressed her hair in the Paris fashion he undertook to be
her French master and her dancingmaster as well as friseur and thus
imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces Clinker perceived the progress
he had made and repined in secret He attempted to open her eyes in the way of
exhortation and finding it produced no effect had recourse to prayer At
Newcastle while he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play He was dressed in a silk coat made at
Paris for his former master with a tawdry waistcoat of tarnished brocade he
wore his hair in a great bag with a huge solitaire and a long sword dangled
from his thigh The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring washed
gauze and ribbons three times refreshed but she was most remarkable for the
frisure of her head which rose like a pyramid seven inches above the scalp
and her face was primed and patched from the chin up to the eyes nay the
gallant himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature of his
own complexion In this attire they walked together through the high street to
the theatre and as they passed for players ready dressed for acting they
reached it unmolested but as it was still light when they returned and by that
time the people had got information of their real character and condition they
hissed and hooted all the way and Mrs Jenkins was all bespattered with dirt
as well as insulted with the opprobrious name of painted Jezabel so that her
fright and mortification threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came
home
Clinker was so incensed at Dutton whom he considered as the cause of her
disgrace that he upbraided him severely for having turned the poor young
womans brain The other affected to treat him with contempt and mistaking his
forbearance for want of courage threatened to horsewhip him into good manners
Humphry then came to me humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence »He has challenged me to fight him at swords point
said he but I might as well challenge him to make a horseshoe or a plough
iron for I know no more of the one than he does of the other Besides it
doth not become servants to use those weapons or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out moreover I would not have his
blood upon my conscience for ten thousand times the profit or satisfaction I
should get by his death but if your honour wont be angry Ill engage to
geeen a good drubbing that may hap will doen service and Ill take care it
shall doen no harm« I said I had no objection to what he proposed provided
he could manage matters so as not to be found the aggressor in case Dutton
should prosecute him for an assault and battery
Thus licensed he retired and that same evening easily provoked his rival
to strike the first blow which Clinker returned with such interest that he was
obliged to call for quarter declaring at the same time that he would exact
severe and bloody satisfaction the moment we should pass the border when he
could run him through the body without fear of the consequence This scene
passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago who encouraged Clinker to hazard a
thrust of cold iron with his antagonist »Cold iron cried Humphry I shall
never use against the life of any human creature but I am so far from being
afraid of his cold iron that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good
cudgel which shall always be at his service« In the mean time the fair cause
of this contest Mrs Winifred Jenkins seemed overwhelmed with affliction and
Mr Clinker acted much on the reserve though he did not presume to find fault
with her conduct
The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very unexpected
issue Among our fellowlodgers at Berwick was a couple from London bound to
Edinburgh on the voyage of matrimony The female was the daughter and heiress
of a pawnbroker deceased who had given her guardians the slip and put herself
under the tuition of a tall Hibernian who had conducted her thus far in quest
of a clergyman to unite them in marriage without the formalities required by
the law of England I know not how the lover had behaved on the road so as to
decline in the favour of his innamorata but in all probability Dutton
perceived a coldness on her side which encouraged him to whisper it was a pity
she should have cast her affections upon a taylor which he affirmed the
Irishman to be This discovery completed her disgust of which my man taking the
advantage began to recommend himself to her good graces and the smoothtongued
rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the place of her heart
from which the other had been discarded Their resolution was immediately
taken In the morning before day while poor Teague lay snoring abed his
indefatigable rival ordered a postchaise and set out with the lady for
Coldstream a few miles up the Tweed where there was a parson who dealt in this
branch of commerce and there they were noosed before the Irishman ever dreamt
of the matter But when he got up at six oclock and found the bird was flown
he made such a noise as alarmed the whole house One of the first persons he
encountered was the postilion returned from Coldstream where he had been
witness to the marriage and over and above an handsome gratuity had received a
brides favour which he now wore in his cap When the forsaken lover
understood they were actually married and set out for London and that Dutton
had discovered to the lady that he the Hibernian was a taylor he had like to
have run distracted He tore the ribbon from the fellows cap and beat it about
his ears He swore he would pursue him to the gates of hell and ordered a
postchaise and four to be got ready as soon as possible but recollecting that
his finances would not admit of this way of travelling he was obliged to
countermand this order
For my part I knew nothing at all of what had happened till the postilion
brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau which he had received from
Dutton who sent me his respects hoping I would excuse him for his abrupt
departure as it was a step upon which his fortune depended Before I had time
to make my uncle acquainted with this event the Irishman burst into my chamber
without any introduction exclaiming »By my soul your sarvant has robbed me
of five thousand pounds and Ill have satisfaction if I should be hanged
tomorrow « When I asked him who he was »My name said he is Master
Macloughlin but it should be Leighlin Oneale for I am come from TerOwen the
Great and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland and that rogue your
sarvant said I was a taylor which was as big a lie as if he had called me the
pope Im a man of fortune and have spent all I had and so being in distress
Mr Coshgrave the fashioner in Shuffolkstreet tuck me out and made me his
own private shecretary by the same token I was the last he bailed for his
friends obliged him to tie himself up that he would bail no more above ten
pounds for why becaase as how he could not refuse any body that asked and
therefore in time would have robbed himself of his whole fortune and if he had
lived long at that rate must have died bankrupt very soon and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner a young lady of five thousand pounds fortune who
agreed to take me for better nor worse and to be sure this day would have put
me in possession if it had not been for that rogue your sarvant who came like
a tief and stole away my property and made her believe I was a taylor and
that she was going to marry the ninth part of a man but the devil burn my soul
if ever I catch him on the mountains of Tulloghobegly if I dont shew him that
Im nine times as good a man as he or eer a bug of his country«
When he had rung out his first alarm I told him I was sorry he had allowed
himself to be so jockied but it was no business of mine and that the fellow
who robbed him of his bride had likewise robbed me of my servant »Didnt I
tell you then cried he that Rogue was his true Christian name Oh if I had
but one fair trust with him upon the sod Id give him lave to brag all the rest
of his life«
My uncle hearing the noise came in and being informed of this adventure
began to comfort Mr Oneale for the ladys elopement observing that he seemed
to have had a lucky escape that it was better she should elope before than
after marriage The Hibernian was of a very different opinion He said »If he
had been once married she might have eloped as soon as she pleased he would
have taken care that she should not have carried her fortune along with her Ah
said he shes a Judas Iscariot and has betrayed me with a kiss and like
Judas she carried the bag and has not left me money enough to bear my expences
back to London and so as Im come to this pass and the rogue that was the
occasion of it has left you without a sarvant you may put me in his place and
by Jasus it is the best thing you can do « I begged to be excused declaring
I could put up with any inconvenience rather than treat as a footman the
descendant of TirOwen the Great I advised him to return to his friend Mr
Cosgrave and take his passage from Newcastle by sea towards which I made him a
small present and he retired seeming resigned to his evil fortune I have
taken upon trial a Scotchman called Archy MAlpin an old soldier whose last
master a colonel lately died at Berwick The fellow is old and withered but
he has been recommended to me for his fidelity by Mrs Humphreys a very good
sort of a woman who keeps the inn at Tweedmouth and is much respected by all
the travellers on this road
Clinker without doubt thinks himself happy in the removal of a dangerous
rival and he is too good a Christian to repine at Duttons success Even Mrs
Jenkins will have reason to congratulate herself upon this event when she
coolly reflects upon the matter for howsoever she was forced from her poise
for a season by snares laid for her vanity Humphry is certainly the northstar
to which the needle of her affection would have pointed at the long run At
present the same vanity is exceedingly mortified upon finding herself
abandoned by her new admirer in favour of another innamorata She received the
news with a violent burst of laughter which soon brought on a fit of crying
and this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her mistress which had held
out beyond all expectation She now opened all those floodgates of reprehension
which had been shut so long She not only reproached her with her levity and
indiscretion but attacked her on the score of religion declaring roundly that
she was in a state of apostacy and reprobation and finally threatened to send
her apacking at this extremity of the kingdom All the family interceded for
poor Winifred not even excepting her slighted swain Mr Clinker who on his
knees implored and obtained her pardon
There was however another consideration that gave Mrs Tabitha some
disturbance At Newcastle the servants had been informed by some wag that
there was nothing to eat in Scotland but oatmeal and sheepsheads and
lieutenant Lismahago being consulted what he said served rather to confirm than
to refute the report Our aunt being apprised of this circumstance very gravely
advised her brother to provide a sumpter horse with store of hams tongues
bread biscuit and other articles for our subsistence in the course of our
perigrination and Mr Bramble as gravely replied that he would take the hint
into consideration but finding no such provision was made she now revived the
proposal observing that there was a tolerable market at Berwick where we might
be supplied and that my mans horse would serve as a beast of burthen The
squire shrugging up his shoulders eyed her askance with a look of ineffable
contempt and after some pause »Sister said he I can hardly persuade myself
you are serious« She was so little acquainted with the geography of the island
that she imagined we could not go to Scotland but by sea and after we had
passed through the town of Berwick when he told her we were upon Scottish
ground she could hardly believe the assertion If the truth must be told the
South Britons in general are woefully ignorant in this particular What between
want of curiosity and traditional sarcasms the effect of ancient animosity
the people at the other end of the island know as little of Scotland as of
Japan
If I had never been in Wales I should have been more struck with the
manifest difference in appearance betwixt the peasants and commonalty on
different sides of the Tweed The boors of Northumberland are lusty fellows
fresh complexioned cleanly and well cloathed but the labourers in Scotland
are generally lank lean hardfeatured sallow soiled and shabby and their
little pinched blue caps have a beggarly effect The cattle are much in the same
stile with their drivers meagre stunted and ill equipt When I talked to my
uncle on this subject he said »Though all the Scottish hinds would not bear to
be compared with those of the rich counties of South Britain they would stand
very well in competition with the peasants of France Italy and Savoy not to
mention the mountaineers of Wales and the redshanks of Ireland«
We entered Scotland by a frightful moor of sixteen miles which promises
very little for the interior parts of the kingdom but the prospect mended as we
advanced Passing through Dunbar which is a neat little town situated on the
seaside we lay at a country inn where our entertainment far exceeded our
expectation but for this we cannot give the Scots credit as the landlord is a
native of England Yesterday we dined at Haddington which has been a place of
some consideration but is now gone to decay and in the evening arrived at this
metropolis of which I can say very little It is very romantic from its
situation on the declivity of a hill having a fortified castle at the top and
a royal palace at the bottom The first thing that strikes the nose of a
stranger shall be nameless but what first strikes the eye is the
unconscionable height of the houses which generally rise to five six seven
and eight stories and in some places as I am assured to twelve This manner
of building attended with numberless inconveniences must have been originally
owing to want of room Certain it is the town seems to be full of people but
their looks their language and their customs are so different from ours that
I can hardly believe myself in GreatBritain
The inn at which we put up if it may be so called was so filthy and
disagreeable in all respects that my uncle began to fret and his gouty
symptoms to recur Recollecting however that he had a letter of
recommendation to one Mr Mitchelson a lawyer he sent it by his servant with
a compliment importing that he would wait upon him next day in person but that
gentleman visited us immediately and insisted upon our going to his own house
until he could provide lodgings for our accommodation We gladly accepted of his
invitation and repaired to his house where we were treated with equal elegance
and hospitality to the utter confusion of our aunt whose prejudices though
beginning to give way were not yet entirely removed Today by the assistance
of our friend we are settled in convenient lodgings up four pair of stairs in
the Highstreet the fourth story being in this city reckoned more genteel
than the first The air is in all probability the better but it requires good
lungs to breathe it at this distance above the surface of the earth While I
do remain above it whether higher or lower provided I breathe at all
I shall ever be
dear Phillips yours
J MELFORD
July 18
To Dr Lewis
Dear Lewis
That part of Scotland contiguous to Berwick nature seems to have intended
as a barrier between two hostile nations It is a brown desert of considerable
extent that produces nothing but heath and fern and what rendered it the more
dreary when we passed there was a thick fog that hindered us from seeing above
twenty yards from the carriage My sister began to make wry faces and use her
smellingbottle Liddy looked blank and Mrs Jenkins dejected but in a few
hours these clouds were dissipated the sea appeared upon our right and on the
left the mountains retired a little leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them and
the beach but what surprised us all this plain to the extent of several
miles was covered with as fine wheat as ever I saw in the most fertile parts of
South Britain This plentiful crop is raised in the open field without any
inclosure or other manure than the alga marina or seaweed which abounds on
this coast a circumstance which shews that the soil and climate are favourable
but that agriculture in this country is not yet brought to that perfection which
it has attained in England Inclosures would not only keep the grounds warm and
the several fields distinct but would also protect the crop from the high
winds which are so frequent in this part of the island
Dunbar is well situated for trade and has a curious bason where ships of
small burthen may be perfectly secure but there is little appearance of
business in the place From thence all the way to Edinburgh there is a
continual succession of fine seats belonging to noblemen and gentlemen and as
each is surrounded by its own parks and plantation they produce a very pleasing
effect in a country which lies otherwise open and exposed At Dunbar there is a
noble park with a lodge belonging to the Duke of Roxburgh where Oliver
Cromwell had his headquarters when Lesley at the head of a Scotch army took
possession of the mountains in the neighbourhood and hampered him in such a
manner that he would have been obliged to embark and get away by sea had not
the fanaticism of the enemy forfeited the advantage which they had obtained by
their generals conduct Their ministers by exhortation prayer assurance
and prophecy instigated them to go down and slay the Philistines in Gilgal and
they quitted their ground accordingly notwithstanding all that Lesley could do
to restrain the madness of their enthusiasm When Oliver saw them in motion he
exclaimed »Praised be the Lord he hath delivered them into the hands of his
servant« and ordered his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving while they
advanced in order to the plain where the Scots were routed with great
slaughter
In the neighbourhood of Haddington there is a gentlemans house in the
building of which and the improvements about it he is said to have expended
forty thousand pounds but I cannot say I was much pleased with either the
architecture or the situation though it has in front a pastoral stream the
banks of which are laid out in a very agreeable manner I intended to pay my
respects to lord Elibank whom I had the honour to know at London many years
ago He lives in this part of Lothian but was gone to the North on a visit
You have often heard me mention this nobleman whom I have long revered for his
humanity and universal intelligence over and above the entertainment arising
from the originality of his character At Musselburgh however I had the good
fortune to drink tea with my old friend Mr Cardonel and at his house I met
with Dr C the parson of the parish whose humour and conversation inflamed
me with a desire of being better acquainted with his person I am not at all
surprised that these Scots make their way in every quarter of the globe
This place is but four miles from Edinburgh towards which we proceeded
along the seashore upon a firm bottom of smooth sand which the tide had left
uncovered in its retreat Edinburgh from this avenue is not seen to much
advantage We had only an imperfect view of the Castle and upper parts of the
town which varied incessantly according to the inflexions of the road and
exhibited the appearance of detached spires and turrets belonging to some
magnificent edifice in ruins The palace of Holyrood house stands on the left
as you enter the Canongate This is a street continued from hence to the gate
called Nether Bow which is now taken away so that there is no interruption for
a long mile from the bottom to the top of the hill on which the Castle stands
in a most imperial situation Considering its fine pavement its width and the
lofty houses on each side this would be undoubtedly one of the noblest streets
in Europe if an ugly mass of mean buildings called the LuckenBooths had not
thrust itself by what accident I know not into the middle of the way like
MiddleRow in Holborn The city stands upon two hills and the bottom between
them and with all its defects may very well pass for the capital of a
moderate kingdom It is full of people and continually resounds with the noise
of coaches and other carriages for luxury as well as commerce As far as I can
perceive here is no want of provisions The beef and mutton are as delicate
here as in Wales the sea affords plenty of good fish the bread is remarkably
fine and the water is excellent though Im afraid not in sufficient quantity
to answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience articles in which it
must be allowed our fellowsubjects are a little defective The water is
brought in leaden pipes from a mountain in the neighbourhood to a cistern on
the Castlehill from whence it is distributed to public conduits in different
parts of the city From these it is carried in barrels on the backs of male
and female porters up two three four five six seven and eight pair of
stairs for the use of particular families Every story is a complete house
occupied by a separate family and the stair being common to them all is
generally left in a very filthy condition a man must tread with great
circumspection to get safe housed with unpolluted shoes Nothing can form a
stronger contrast than the difference betwixt the outside and inside of the
door for the goodwomen of this metropolis are remarkably nice in the ornaments
and propriety of their apartments as if they were resolved to transfer the
imputation from the individual to the public You are no stranger to their
method of discharging all their impurities from their windows at a certain hour
of the night as the custom is in Spain Portugal and some parts of France and
Italy A practice to which I can by no means be reconciled for notwithstanding
all the care that is taken by their scavengers to remove this nuisance every
morning by break of day enough still remains to offend the eyes as well as
other organs of those whom use has not hardened against all delicacy of
sensation
The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions and are apt to imagine
the disgust that we avow is little better than affectation but they ought to
have some compassion for strangers who have not been used to this kind of
sufferance and consider whether it may not be worth while to take some pains
to vindicate themselves from the reproach that on this account they bear among
their neighbours As to the surprising height of their houses it is absurd in
many respects but in one particular light I cannot view it without horror that
is the dreadful situation of all the families above in case the common
staircase should be rendered impassable by a fire in the lower stories In
order to prevent the shocking consequences that must attend such an accident it
would be a right measure to open doors of communication from one house to
another on every story by which the people might fly from such a terrible
visitation In all parts of the world we see the force of habit prevailing over
all the dictates of convenience and sagacity All the people of business at
Edinburgh and even the genteel company may be seen standing in crowds every
day from one to two in the afternoon in the open street at a place where
formerly stood a marketcross which by the bye was a curious piece of Gothic
architecture still to be seen in lord Sommervilles garden in this
neighbourhood I say the people stand in the open street from the force of
custom rather than move a few yards to an Exchange that stands empty on one
side or to the Parliamentclose on the other which is a noble square adorned
with a fine equestrian statue of king Charles II The company thus assembled
are entertained with a variety of tunes played upon a set of bells fixed in a
steeple hard by As these bells are welltoned and the musician who has a
salary from the city for playing upon them with keys is no bad performer the
entertainment is really agreeable and very striking to the ears of a stranger
The public inns of Edinburgh are still worse than those of London but by
means of a worthy gentleman to whom I was recommended we have got decent
lodgings in the house of a widow gentlewoman of the name of Lockhart and here
I shall stay until I have seen every thing that is remarkable in and about this
capital I now begin to feel the good effects of exercise I eat like a farmer
sleep from midnight till eight in the morning without interruption and enjoy a
constant tide of spirits equally distant from inanition and excess but
whatever ebbs or flows my constitution may undergo my heart will still declare
that I am
Dear Lewis
Your affectionate friend and servant
MATT BRAMBLE
Edr July 18
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Mary
The squire has been so kind as to rap my bit of nonsense under the kiver of
his own sheet O Mary Jones Mary Jones I have had trials and trembulation
God help me I have been a vixen and a griffin these many days Sattin has had
power to temp me in the shape of van Ditton the young squires wally de
shamble but by Gods grease he did not purvail I thoft as how there was no
arm in going to a play at Newcastle with my hair dressed in the Parish fashion
and as for the trifle of paint he said as how my complexion wanted rouch and
so I let him put it on with a little Spanish owl but a mischievous mob of
colliers and such promiscous ribble rabble that could bare no smut but their
own attacked us in the street and called me hoar and painted Issabel and
splashed my close and spoiled me a complete set of blond lace triple ruffles
not a pin the worse for the ware They cost me seven good sillings to lady
Griskins woman at London
When I axed Mr Clinker what they meant by calling me Issabel he put the
byebill into my hand and I read of van Issabel a painted harlot that vas
thrown out of a vindore and the dogs came and licked her blood But I am no
harlot and with Gods blessing no dog shall have my poor blood to lick
marry Heaven forbid amen As for Ditton after all his courting and his
compliment he stole away an Irishmans bride and took a French leave of me and
his master but I vally not his going a farting but I have had hanger on his
account Mistriss scoulded like mad thof I have the comfit that all the family
took my part and even Mr Clinker pleaded for me on his bended knee thof God
he knows he had raisins enuff to complain but hes a good sole abounding with
Christian meekness and one day will meet with his reward
And now dear Mary we have got to Haddingborrough among the Scots who are
civil enuff for our money thof I dont speak their lingo But they should not
go for to impose upon foreigners for the bills in their houses say they have
different easements to let and behold there is nurro geaks in the whole
kingdom nor any thing for poor sarvants but a barrel with a pair of tongs
thrown across and all the chairs in the family are emptied into this here
barrel once aday and at ten oclock at night the whole cargo is flung out of a
back windore that looks into some street or lane and the maid calls gardy loo
to the passengers which signifies Lord have mercy upon you and this is done
every night in every house in Haddingborrough so you may guess Mary Jones
what a sweet savour comes from such a number of profuming pans but they say it
is wholesome and truly I believe it is for being in the vapours and
thinking of Issabel and Mr Clinker I was going into a fit of astericks when
this fiff saving your presence took me by the nose so powerfully that I
sneezed three times and found myself wonderfully refreshed and this to be sure
is the raisin why there are no fits in Haddingborrough
I was likewise made believe that there was nothing to be had but oatmeal
and seepsheads but if I hadnt been a fool I mought have known there could be
no heads without kerkasses This very blessed day I dined upon a delicate leg
of Velsh mutton and cullyflower and as for the oatmeal I leave that to the
sarvants of the country which are pore drudges many of them without shoes or
stockings Mr Clinker tells me here is a great call of the gospel but I wish
I wish some of our family be not fallen off from the rite way O if I was
given to tailbaring I have my own secrets to discover There has been a deal
of huggling and flurtation betwixt mistress and an ould Scots officer called
Kismycago He looks for all the orld like the scarecrow that our gardener set up
to frite away the sparrows and what will come of it the Lord nows but come
what will it shall never be said that I menchioned a syllabub of the matter
Remember me kindly to Saul and the kitten I hope they got the hornbuck and
will put it to a good yuse which is the constant prayer of
Dear Molly
your loving friend
WIN JENKINS
Addingborough July 18
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Phillips
If I stay much longer at Edinburgh I shall be changed into a downright
Caledonian My uncle observes that I have already acquired something of the
country accent The people here are so social and attentive in their civilities
to strangers that I am insensibly sucked into the channel of their manners and
customs although they are in fact much more different from ours than you can
imagine That difference however which struck me very much at my first
arrival I now hardly perceive and my ear is perfectly reconciled to the Scotch
accent which I find even agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman It is a
sort of Doric dialect which gives an idea of amiable simplicity You cannot
imagine how we have been caressed and feasted in the good town of Edinburgh of
which we are become free denizens and guild brothers by the special favour of
the magistracy
I had a whimsical commission from Bath to a citizen of this metropolis
Quin understanding our intention to visit Edinburgh pulled out a guinea and
desired the favour I would drink it at a tavern with a particular friend and
bottlecompanion of his one Mr R C a lawyer of this city I charged
myself with the commission and taking the guinea »You see said I I have
pocketed your bounty« »Yes replied Quin laughing and a headake into the
bargain if you drink fair« I made use of this introduction to Mr C who
received me with open arms and gave me the rendezvous according to the cartel
He had provided a company of jolly fellows among whom I found myself extremely
happy and did Mr C and Quin all the justice in my power but alas I was no
more than a tyro among a troop of veterans who had compassion upon my youth
and conveyed me home in the morning by what means I know not Quin was
mistaken however as to the headake the claret was too good to treat me so
roughly
While Mr Bramble holds conferences with the graver literati of the place
and our females are entertained at visits by the Scotch ladies who are the best
and kindest creatures upon earth I pass my time among the bucks of Edinburgh
who with a great share of spirit and vivacity have a certain shrewdness and
selfcommand that is not often found among their neighbours in the highday of
youth and exultation Not a hint escapes a Scotchman that can be interpreted
into offence by any individual in the company and national reflections are
never heard In this particular I must own we are both unjust and ungrateful
to the Scots for as far as I am able to judge they have a real esteem for the
natives of SouthBritain and never mention our country but with expressions of
regard Nevertheless they are far from being servile imitators of our modes
and fashionable vices All their customs and regulations of public and private
oeconomy of business and diversion are in their own stile This remarkably
predominates in their looks their dress and manner their music and even
their cookery Our squire declares that he knows not another people upon
earth so strongly marked with a national character Now we are upon the
article of cookery I must own some of their dishes are savoury and even
delicate but I am not yet Scotchman enough to relish their singed sheepshead
and haggice which were provided at our request one day at Mr Mitchelsons
where we dined The first put me in mind of the history of Congo in which I
had read of negros heads sold publickly in the markets the last being a mess
of minced lights livers suet oatmeal onions and pepper inclosed in a
sheeps stomach had a very sudden effect upon mine and the delicate Mrs Tabby
changed colour when the cause of our disgust was instantaneously removed at the
nod of our entertainer The Scots in general are attached to this composition
with a sort of national fondness as well as to their oatmeal bread which is
presented at every table in thin triangular cakes baked upon a plate of iron
called a girdle and these many of the natives even in the higher ranks of
life prefer to wheatenbread which they have here in perfection You know we
used to vex poor Murray of Baliolcollege by asking if there was really no
fruit but turnips in Scotland Sure enough I have seen turnips make their
appearance not as a desert but by way of hors dæuvres or whets as radishes
are served up betwixt more substantial dishes in France and Italy but it must
be observed that the turnips of this country are as much superior in sweetness
delicacy and flavour to those of England as a muskmelon is to the stock of a
common cabbage They are small and conical of a yellowish colour with a very
thin skin and over and above their agreeable taste are valuable for their
antiscorbutic quality As to the fruit now in season such as cherries
gooseberries and currants there is no want of them at Edinburgh and in the
gardens of some gentlemen who live in this neighbourhood there is now a very
favourable appearance of apricots peaches nectarines and even grapes nay I
have seen a very fine shew of pineapples within a few miles of this metropolis
Indeed we have no reason to be surprised at these particulars when we consider
how little difference there is in fact betwixt this climate and that of
London
All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues for ten miles around
we have visited much to our satisfaction In the Castle are some royal
apartments where the sovereign occasionally resided and here are carefully
preserved the regalia of the kingdom consisting of a crown said to be of great
value a sceptre and a sword of state adorned with jewels Of these symbols
of sovereignty the people are exceedingly jealous A report being spread
during the sitting of the unionparliament that they were removed to London
such a tumult arose that the lord commissioner would have been torn in pieces
if he had not produced them for the satisfaction of the populace
The palace of Holyroodhouse is an elegant piece of architecture but sunk
in an obscure and as I take it unwholesome bottom where one would imagine it
had been placed on purpose to be concealed The apartments are lofty but
unfurnished and as for the pictures of the Scottish kings from Fergus I to
king William they are paltry daubings mostly by the same hand painted either
from the imagination or porters hired to sit for the purpose All the
diversions of London we enjoy at Edinburgh in a small compass Here is a
wellconducted concert in which several gentlemen perform on different
instruments The Scots are all musicians Every man you meet plays on the
flute the violin or violoncello and there is one nobleman whose compositions
are universally admired Our company of actors is very tolerable and a
subscription is now on foot for building a new theatre but their assemblies
please me above all other public exhibitions
We have been at the hunters ball where I was really astonished to see such
a number of fine women The English who have never crossed the Tweed imagine
erroneously that the Scotch ladies are not remarkable for personal attractions
but I can declare with a safe conscience I never saw so many handsome females
together as were assembled on this occasion At the Leith races the best
company comes hither from the remoter provinces so that I suppose we had all
the beauty of the kingdom concentrated as it were into one focus which was
indeed so vehement that my heart could hardly resist its power Between
friends it has sustained some damage from the bright eyes of the charming miss
Rn whom I had the honour to dance with at the ball The countess of Melville
attracted all eyes and the admiration of all present She was accompanied by
the agreeable miss Grieve who made many conquests nor did my sister Liddy pass
unnoticed in the assembly She is become a toast at Edinburgh by the name of
the Fair Cambrian and has already been the occasion of much wineshed but the
poor girl met with an accident at the ball which has given us great
disturbance
A young gentleman the express image of that rascal Wilson went up to ask
her to dance a minuet and his sudden appearance shocked her so much that she
fainted away I call Wilson a rascal because if he had been really a
gentleman with honourable intentions he would have ere now appeared in his
own character I must own my blood boils with indignation when I think of that
fellows presumption and Heaven confound me if I dont But I wont be so
womanish as to rail Time will perhaps furnish occasion Thank God the
cause of Liddys disorder remains a secret The lady directress of the ball
thinking she was overcome by the heat of the place had her conveyed to another
room where she soon recovered so well as to return and join in the
countrydances in which the Scotch lasses acquit themselves with such spirit
and agility as put their partners to the height of their mettle I believe our
aunt Mrs Tabitha had entertained hopes of being able to do some execution
among the cavaliers at this assembly She had been several days in consultation
with milliners and mantuamakers preparing for the occasion at which she made
her appearance in a full suit of damask so thick and heavy that the sight of
it alone at this season of the year was sufficient to draw drops of sweat from
any man of ordinary imagination She danced one minuet with our friend Mr
Mitchelson who favoured her so far in the spirit of hospitality and
politeness and she was called out a second time by the young laird of
Ballymawhawple who coming in by accident could not readily find any other
partner but as the first was a married man and the second paid no particular
homage to her charms which were also overlooked by the rest of the company
she became dissatisfied and censorious At supper she observed that the Scotch
gentlemen made a very good figure when they were a little improved by
travelling and therefore it was pity they did not all take the benefit of going
abroad She said the women were aukward masculine creatures that in dancing
they lifted their legs like so many colts that they had no idea of graceful
motion and put on their clothes in a frightful manner but if the truth must be
told Tabby herself was the most ridiculous figure and the worst dressed of the
whole assembly The neglect of the male sex rendered her malcontent and
peevish she now found fault with every thing at Edinburgh and teized her
brother to leave the place when she was suddenly reconciled to it on a
religious consideration There is a sect of fanaticks who have separated
themselves from the established kirk under the name of Seceders They
acknowledge no earthly head of the church reject laypatronage and maintain
the methodist doctrines of the new birth the new light the efficacy of grace
the insufficiency of works and the operations of the spirit Mrs Tabitha
attended by Humphry Clinker was introduced to one of their conventicles where
they both received much edification and she has had the good fortune to come
acquainted with a pious Christian called Mr Moffat who is very powerful in
prayer and often assists her in private exercises of devotion
I never saw such a concourse of genteel company at any races in England as
appeared on the course of LeithHard by in the fields called the Links the
citizens of Edinburgh divert themselves at a game called golf in which they use
a curious kind of bats tipt with horn and small elastic balls of leather
stuffed with feathers rather less than tennis balls but of a much harder
consistence This they strike with such force and dexterity from one hole to
another that they will fly to an incredible distance Of this diversion the
Scots are so fond that when the weather will permit you may see a multitude of
all ranks from the senator of justice to the lowest tradesmen mingled together
in their shirts and following the balls with the utmost eagerness Among
others I was shewn one particular set of golfers the youngest of whom was
turned of fourscore They were all gentlemen of independent fortunes who had
amused themselves with this pastime for the best part of a century without
having ever felt the least alarm from sickness or disgust and they never went
to bed without having each the best part of a gallon of claret in his belly
Such uninterrupted exercise cooperating with the keen air from the sea must
without all doubt keep the appetite always on edge and steel the constitution
against all the common attacks of distemper
The Leith races gave occasion to another entertainment of a very singular
nature There is at Edinburgh a society or corporation of errandboys called
cawdies who ply in the streets at night with paper lanthorns and are very
serviceable in carrying messages These fellows though shabby in their
appearance and rudely familiar in their address are wonderfully acute and so
noted for fidelity that there is no instance of a cawdys having betrayed his
trust Such is their intelligence that they know not only every individual of
the place but also every stranger by that time he has been four and twenty
hours in Edinburgh and no transaction even the most private can escape their
notice They are particularly famous for their dexterity in executing one of
the functions of Mercury though for my own part I never employed them in this
department of business Had I occasion for any service of this nature my own
man Archy MAlpine is as well qualified as eer a cawdie in Edinburgh and I am
much mistaken if he has not been heretofore of their fraternity Be that as it
may they resolved to give a dinner and a ball at Leith to which they formally
invited all the young noblemen and gentlemen that were at the races and this
invitation was reinforced by an assurance that all the celebrated ladies of
pleasure would grace the entertainment with their company I received a card
on this occasion and went thither with half a dozen of my acquaintance In a
large hall the cloth was laid on a long range of tables joined together and
here the company seated themselves to the number of about fourscore lords and
lairds and other gentlemen courtezans and cawdies mingled together as the
slaves and their masters were in the time of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome
The toastmaster who sat at the upper end was one cawdie Fraser a veteran
pimp distinguished for his humour and sagacity well known and much respected
in his profession by all the guests male and female that were here assembled
He had bespoke the dinner and the wine he had taken care that all his
brethren should appear in decent apparel and clean linen and he himself wore a
periwig with three tails in honour of the festival I assure you the banquet
was both elegant and plentiful and seasoned with a thousand sallies that
promoted a general spirit of mirth and good humour After the desert Mr
Fraser proposed the following toasts which I dont pretend to explain »The
best in Christendom« »Gibbs contract« »The beggars bennison« »King
and kirk« »GreatBritain and Ireland« Then filling a bumper and turning
to me »Mester Malford said he may a unkindness cease betwixt John Bull and
his sister Moggy« The next person he singled out was a nobleman who had been
long abroad »Ma lord cried Fraser here is a bumper to a those noblemen
who have virtue enough to spend their rents in their ain countray« He
afterwards addressed himself to a member of parliament in these words »Mester
Im sure yell ha nae objection to my drinking Disgrace and dule to ilka
Scot that sells his conscience and his vote« He discharged a third sarcasm
at a person very gaily dressed who had risen from small beginnings and made a
considerable fortune at play Filling his glass and calling him by name
»Lang life said he to the wylie loon that gangs afield with a toom poke at
his lunzie and comes hame with a sackful of siller« All these toasts being
received with loud bursts of applause Mr Fraser called for pint glasses and
filled his own to the brim then standing up and all his brethren following his
example »Ma lords and gentlemen cried he here is a cup of thanks for the
great and undeserved honour you have done your poor errandboys this day« So
saying he and they drank off their glasses in a trice and quitting their
seats took their station each behind one of the other guests exclaiming
»Noo were your honours cawdies again«
The nobleman who had bore the first brunt of Mr Frasers satire objected
to his abdication He said as the company was assembled by invitation from the
cawdies he expected they were to be entertained at their expence »By no means
my lord cried Fraser I wad na be guilty of sic presumption for the wide warld
I never affronted a gentleman since I was born and sure at this age I wonnot
offer an indignity to sic an honourable convention« »Well said his lordship
as you have expended some wit you have a right to save your money You have
given me good counsel and I take it in good part As you have voluntarily
quitted your seat I will take your place with the leave of the good company
and think myself happy to be hailed Father of the Feast« He was forthwith
elected into the chair and complimented in a bumper in his new character
The claret continued to circulate without interruption till the glasses
seemed to dance upon the table and this perhaps was a hint to the ladies to
call for music At eight in the evening the ball began in another apartment at
midnight we went to supper but it was broad day before I found the way to my
lodgings and no doubt his lordship had a swinging bill to discharge
In short I have lived so riotously for some weeks that my uncle begins to
be alarmed on the score of my constitution and very seriously observes that
all his own infirmities are owing to such excesses indulged in his youth Mrs
Tabitha says it would be more for the advantage of my soul as well as body if
instead of frequenting these scenes of debauchery I would accompany Mr Moffat
and her to hear a sermon of the reverend Mr MCorkindale Clinker often
exhorts me with a groan to take care of my precious health and even Archy
MAlpine when he happens to be overtaken which is oftener the case than I
could wish reads me a long lecture upon temperance and sobriety and is so very
wise and sententious that if I could provide him with a professors chair I
would willingly give up the benefit of his admonitions and service together for
I was tutorsick at alma mater
I am not however so much engrossed by the gaieties of Edinburgh but that
I find time to make parties in the family way We have not only seen all the
villas and villages within ten miles of the capital but we have also crossed
the Firth which is an arm of the sea seven miles broad that divides Lothian
from the shire or as the Scots call it the kingdom of Fife There is a number
of large open seaboats that ply on this passage from Leith to Kinghorn which
is a borough on the other side In one of these our whole family embarked three
days ago excepting my sister who being exceedingly fearful of the water was
left to the care of Mrs Mitchelson We had an easy and quick passage into Fife
where we visited a number of poor towns on the seaside including St Andrews
which is the skeleton of a venerable city but we were much better pleased with
some noble and elegant seats and castles of which there is a great number in
that part of Scotland Yesterday we took boat again on our return to Leith with
fair wind and agreeable weather but we had not advanced halfway when the sky
was suddenly overcast and the wind changing blew directly in our teeth so
that we were obliged to turn or tack the rest of the way In a word the gale
increased to a storm of wind and rain attended with such a fog that we could
not see the town of Leith to which we were bound nor even the castle of
Edinburgh notwithstanding its high situation It is not to be doubted but that
we were all alarmed on this occasion And at the same time most of the
passengers were seized with a nausea that produced violent retchings My aunt
desired her brother to order the boatmen to put back to Kinghorn and this
expedient he actually proposed but they assured him there was no danger Mrs
Tabitha finding them obstinate began to scold and insisted upon my uncles
exerting his authority as a justice of the peace Sick and peevish as he was he
could not help laughing at this wise proposal telling her that his commission
did not extend so far and if he did he should let the people take their own
way for he thought it would be great presumption in him to direct them in the
exercise of their own profession Mrs Winifred Jenkins made a general clearance
with the assistance of Mr Humphry Clinker who joined her both in prayer and
ejaculation As he took it for granted that we should not be long in this
world he offered some spiritual consolation to Mrs Tabitha who rejected it
with great disgust bidding him keep his sermons for those who had leisure to
hear such nonsense My uncle sat recollected in himself without speaking my
man Archy had recourse to a brandybottle with which he made so free that I
imagined he had sworn to die of drinking any thing rather than seawater but
the brandy had no more effect upon him in the way of intoxication than if it
had been seawater in good earnest As for myself I was too much engrossed by
the sickness at my stomach to think of any thing else Mean while the sea
swelled mountains high the boat pitched with such violence as if it had been
going to pieces the cordage rattled the wind roared the lightning flashed
the thunder bellowed and the rain descended in a deluge Every time the vessel
was put about we shipd a sea that drenched us all to the skin When by dint
of turning we thought to have cleared the pier head we were driven to leeward
and then the boatmen themselves began to fear that the tide would fail before we
should fetch up our leeway the next trip however brought us into smooth
water and we were safely landed on the quay about one oclock in the
afternoon »To be sure cried Tabby when she found herself on terra firma
we must all have perished if we had not been the particular care of
Providence« »Yes replied my uncle but I am much of the honest highlanders
mind after he had made such a passage as this his friend told him he was much
indebted to Providence Certainly said Donald but by my saul mon Ise
neer trouble Providence again so long as the brig of Stirling stands« You
must know the brig or bridge of Stirling stands above twenty miles up the
river Forth of which this is the outlet I dont find that our squire has
suffered in his health from this adventure but poor Liddy is in a peaking way
Im afraid this unfortunate girl is uneasy in her mind and this apprehension
distracts me for she is really an amiable creature
We shall set out tomorrow or next day for Stirling and Glasgow and we
propose to penetrate a little way into the Highlands before we turn our course
to the southward In the mean time commend me to all our friends round Carfax
and believe me to be ever yours
J MELFORD
Edinburgh Aug 8
Volume III
To Dr Lewis
I should be very ungrateful dear Lewis if I did not find myself disposed to
think and speak favourably of this people among whom I have met with more
kindness hospitality and rational entertainment in a few weeks than ever I
received in any other country during the whole course of my life Perhaps the
gratitude excited by these benefits may interfere with the impartiality of my
remarks for a man is as apt to be prepossessed by particular favours as to be
prejudiced by private motives of disgust If I am partial there is at least
some merit in my conversion from illiberal prejudices which had grown up with my
constitution
The first impressions which an Englishman receives in this country will not
contribute to the removal of his prejudices because he refers every thing he
sees to a comparison with the same articles in his own country and this
comparison is unfavourable to Scotland in all its exteriors such as the face of
the country in respect to cultivation the appearance of the bulk of the people
and the language of conversation in general I am not so far convinced by Mr
Lismahagos arguments but that I think the Scots would do well for their own
sakes to adopt the English idioms and pronunciation those of them especially
who are resolved to push their fortunes in SouthBritain I know by
experience how easily an Englishman is influenced by the ear and how apt he is
to laugh when he hears his own language spoken with a foreign or provincial
accent I have known a member of the house of commons speak with great energy
and precision without being able to engage attention because his observations
were made in the Scotch dialect which no offence to lieutenant Lismahago
certainly gives a clownish air even to sentiments of the greatest dignity and
decorum I have declared my opinion on this head to some of the most sensible
men of this country observing at the same time that if they would employ a
few natives of England to teach the pronunciation of our vernacular tongue in
twenty years there would be no difference in point of dialect between the
youth of Edinburgh and of London
The civil regulations of this kingdom and metropolis are taken from very
different models from those of England except in a few particular
establishments the necessary consequences of the union Their college of
justice is a bench of great dignity filled with judges of character and
ability I have heard some causes tried before this venerable tribunal and
was very much pleased with the pleadings of their advocates who are by no means
deficient either in argument or elocution The Scottish legislation is founded
in a great measure on the civil law consequently their proceedings vary from
those of the English tribunals but I think they have the advantage of us in
their method of examining witnesses apart and in the constitution of their
jury by which they certainly avoid the evil which I mentioned in my last from
Lismahagos observation
The university of Edinburgh is supplied with excellent professors in all the
sciences and the medical school in particular is famous all over Europe
The students of this art have the best opportunity of learning it to perfection
in all its branches as there are different courses for the theory of medicine
and the practice of medicine for anatomy chemistry botany and the materia
medica over and above those of mathematics and experimental philosophy and all
these are given by men of distinguished talents What renders this part of
education still more complete is the advantage of attending the infirmary
which is the best instituted charitable foundation that I ever knew Now we are
talking of charities here are several hospitals exceedingly well endowed and
maintained under admirable regulations and these are not only useful but
ornamental to the city Among these I shall only mention the general
workhouse in which all the poor not otherwise provided for are employed
according to their different abilities with such judgment and effect that they
nearly maintain themselves by their labour and there is not a beggar to be seen
within the precincts of this metropolis It was Glasgow that set the example of
this establishment about thirty years ago Even the kirk of Scotland so long
reproached with fanaticism and canting abounds at present with ministers
celebrated for their learning and respectable for their moderation I have
heard their sermons with equal astonishment and pleasure The good people of
Edinburgh no longer think dirt and cobwebs essential to the house of God Some
of their churches have admitted such ornaments as would have excited sedition
even in England a little more than a century ago and psalmody is here
practised and taught by a professor from the cathedral of Durham I should not
be surprised in a few years to hear it accompanied with an organ
Edinburgh is a hotbed of genius I have had the good fortune to be made
acquainted with many authors of the first distinction such as the two Humes
Robertson Smith Wallace Blair Ferguson Wilkie etc and I have found them
all as agreeable in conversation as they are instructive and entertaining in
their writings These acquaintances I owe to the friendship of Dr Carlyle who
wants nothing but inclination to figure with the rest upon paper The magistracy
of Edinburgh is changed every year by election and seems to be very well
adapted both for state and authority The lord provost is equal in dignity to
the lord mayor of London and the four bailies are equivalent to the rank of
aldermen There is a dean of guild who takes cognizance of mercantile
affairs a treasurer a townclerk and the council is composed of deacons one
of whom is returned every year in rotation as representative of every company
of artificers or handicraftsmen Though this city from the nature of its
situation can never be made either very convenient or very cleanly it has
nevertheless an air of magnificence that commands respect The castle is an
instance of the sublime in scite and architecture Its fortifications are kept
in good order and there is always in it a garrison of regular soldiers which
is relieved every year but it is incapable of sustaining a siege carried on
according to the modern operations of war The castle hill which extends from
the outward gate to the upper end of the highstreet is used as a public walk
for the citizens and commands a prospect equally extensive and delightful
over the county of Fife on the other side of the Frith and all along the
seacoast which is covered with a succession of towns that would seem to
indicate a considerable share of commerce but if the truth must be told these
towns have been falling to decay ever since the union by which the Scots were
in a great measure deprived of their trade with France The palace of
Holyroodhouse is a jewel in architecture thrust into a hollow where it cannot
be seen a situation which was certainly not chosen by the ingenious architect
who must have been confined to the scite of the old palace which was a convent
Edinburgh is considerably extended on the south side where there are divers
little elegant squares built in the English manner and the citizens have
planned some improvements on the north which when put in execution will add
greatly to the beauty and convenience of this capital
The seaport is Leith a flourishing town about a mile from the city in
the harbour of which I have seen above one hundred ships lying all together You
must know I had the curiosity to cross the Frith in a passageboat and stayed
two days in Fife which is remarkably fruitful in corn and exhibits a
surprising number of fine seats elegantly built and magnificently furnished
There is an incredible number of noble houses in every part of Scotland that I
have seen Dalkeith Pinkie Yester and lord Hoptons all of them within
four or five miles of Edinburgh are princely palaces in every one of which a
sovereign might reside at his ease I suppose the Scots affect these monuments
of grandeur If I may be allowed to mingle censure with my remarks upon a
people I revere I must observe that their weak side seems to be vanity I am
afraid that even their hospitality is not quite free of ostentation I think I
have discovered among them uncommon pains taken to display their fine linen of
which indeed they have great plenty their furniture plate housekeeping
and variety of wines in which article it must be owned they are profuse if
not prodigal A burgher of Edinburgh not content to vie with a citizen of
London who has ten times his fortune must excel him in the expence as well as
elegance of his entertainments
Though the villas of the Scotch nobility and gentry have generally an air of
grandeur and state I think their gardens and parks are not comparable to those
of England a circumstance the more remarkable as I was told by the ingenious
Mr Philip Miller of Chelsea that almost all the gardeners of SouthBritain
were natives of Scotland The verdure of this country is not equal to that of
England The pleasuregrounds are in my opinion not so well laid out
according to the genius loci nor are the lawns and walks and hedges kept in
such delicate order The trees are planted in prudish rows which have not
such an agreeable natural effect as when they are thrown into irregular
groupes with intervening glades and the firs which they generally raise
around their houses look dull and funereal in the summer season I must
confess indeed that they yield serviceable timber and good shelter against
the northern blasts that they grow and thrive in the most barren soil and
continually perspire a fine balsam of turpentine which must render the air very
salutary and sanative to lungs of a tender texture
Tabby and I have been both frightened in our return by sea from the coast of
Fife She was afraid of drowning and I of catching cold in consequence of
being drenched with seawater but my fears as well as hers have been happily
disappointed She is now in perfect health I wish I could say the same of
Liddy Something uncommon is the matter with that poor child her colour
fades her appetite fails and her spirits flag She is become moping and
melancholy and is often found in tears Her brother suspects internal
uneasiness on account of Wilson and denounces vengeance against that
adventurer She was it seems strongly affected at the ball by the sudden
appearance of one Mr Gordon who strongly resembles the said Wilson but I am
rather suspicious that she caught cold by being overheated with dancing I
have consulted Dr Gregory an eminent physician of an amiable character who
advises the highland air and the use of goatmilk whey which surely cannot
have a bad effect upon a patient who was born and bred among the mountains of
Wales The doctors opinion is the more agreeable as we shall find those
remedies in the very place which I proposed as the utmost extent of our
expedition I mean the borders of Argyle
Mr Smollett one of the judges of the commissary court which is now
sitting has very kindly insisted upon our lodging at his countryhouse on the
banks of LoughLomond about fourteen miles beyond Glasgow For this last city
we shall set out in two days and take Stirling in our way well provided with
recommendations from our friends at Edinburgh whom I protest I shall leave
with much regret I am so far from thinking it any hardship to live in this
country that if I was obliged to lead a town life Edinburgh would certainly
be the headquarters of
Yours always
MATT BRAMBLE
Edr August 8
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Knight
I am now little short of the Ultima Thule if this appellation properly
belongs to the Orkneys or Hebrides These last are now lying before me to the
amount of some hundreds scattered up and down the Deucalidonian sea affording
the most picturesque and romantic prospect I ever beheld I write this letter
in a gentlemans house near the town of Inverary which may be deemed the
capital of the West Highlands famous for nothing so much as for the stately
castle begun and actually covered in by the late duke of Argyle at a
prodigious expence Whether it will ever be completely finished is a question
But to take things in order We left Edinburgh ten days ago and the
further north we proceed we find Mrs Tabitha the less manageable so that her
inclinations are not of the nature of the loadstone they point not towards the
pole What made her leave Edinburgh with reluctance at last if we may believe
her own assertions was a dispute which she left unfinished with Mr Moffat
touching the eternity of hell torments That gentleman as he advanced in years
began to be sceptical on this head till at length he declared open war
against the common acceptation of the word eternal He is now persuaded that
eternal signifies no more than an indefinite number of years and that the most
enormous sinner may be quit for nine millions nine hundred thousand nine
hundred and ninetynine years of hellfire which term or period as he very
well observes forms but an inconsiderable drop as it were in the ocean of
eternity For this mitigation he contends as a system agreeable to the ideas
of goodness and mercy which we annex to the supreme Being Our aunt seemed
willing to adopt this doctrine in favour of the wicked but he hinted that no
person whatever was so righteous as to be exempted entirely from punishment in a
future state and that the most pious Christian upon earth might think himself
very happy to get off for a fast of seven or eight thousand years in the midst
of fire and brimstone Mrs Tabitha revolted at this dogma which filled her at
once with horror and indignation She had recourse to the opinion of Humphry
Clinker who roundly declared it was the popish doctrine of purgatory and
quoted scripture in defence of the fire everlasting prepared for the devil and
his angels The reverend mester Mackcorkendale and all the theologists and
saints of that persuasion were consulted and some of them had doubts about the
matter which doubts and scruples had begun to infect our aunt when we took our
departure from Edinburgh
We passed through Linlithgow where there was an elegant royal palace which
is now gone to decay as well as the town itself This too is pretty much the
case with Stirling though it still boasts of a fine old castle in which the
kings of Scotland were wont to reside in their minority But Glasgow is the
pride of Scotland and indeed it might very well pass for an elegant and
flourishing city in any part of Christendom There we had the good fortune to be
received into the house of Mr Moore an eminent surgeon to whom we were
recommended by one of our friends at Edinburgh and truly he could not have
done us more essential service Mr Moore is a merry facetious companion
sensible and shrewd with a considerable fund of humour and his wife an
agreeable woman well bred kind and obliging Kindness which I take to be
the essence of goodnature and humanity is the distinguishing characteristic of
the Scotch ladies in their own country Our landlord shewed us every thing and
introduced us to all the world at Glasgow where through his recommendation we
were complimented with the freedom of the town Considering the trade and
opulence of this place it cannot but abound with gaiety and diversions Here
is a great number of young fellows that rival the youth of the capital in spirit
and expence and I was soon convinced that all the female beauties of Scotland
were not assembled at the hunters ball in Edinburgh The town of Glasgow
flourishes in learning as well as in commerce Here is an university with
professors in all the different branches of science liberally endowed and
judiciously chosen It was vacation time when I passed so that I could not
entirely satisfy my curiosity but their mode of education is certainly
preferable to ours in some respects The students are not left to the private
instruction of tutors but taught in public schools or classes each science by
its particular professor or regent
My uncle is in raptures with Glasgow He not only visited all the
manufactures of the place but made excursions all round to Hamilton Paisley
Renfrew and every other place within a dozen miles where there was any thing
remarkable to be seen in art or nature I believe the exercise occasioned by
these jaunts was of service to my sister Liddy whose appetite and spirits begin
to revive Mrs Tabitha displayed her attractions as usual and actually
believed she had entangled one Mr Maclellan a rich inklemanufacturer in her
snares but when matters came to an explanation it appeared that his attachment
was altogether spiritual founded upon an intercourse of devotion at the
meeting of Mr John Wesley who in the course of his evangelical mission had
come hither in person At length we set out for the banks of LoughLomond
passing through the little borough of Dumbarton or as my uncle will have it
Dunbritton where there is a castle more curious than any thing of the kind I
had ever seen It is honoured with a particular description by the elegant
Buchannan as an arx inexpugnabilis and indeed it must have been impregnable
by the antient manner of besieging It is a rock of considerable extent rising
with a double top in an angle formed by the confluence of two rivers the Clyde
and the Leven perpendicular and inaccessible on all sides except in one place
where the entrance is fortified and there is no risingground in the
neighbourhood from whence it could be damaged by any kind of battery
From Dumbarton the West Highlands appear in the form of huge dusky
mountains piled one over another but this prospect is not at all surprising to
a native of Glamorgan We have fixed our headquarters at Cameron a very neat
countryhouse belonging to commissary Smollett where we found every sort of
accommodation we could desire It is situated like a Druids temple in a grove
of oak close by the side of LoughLomond which is a surprising body of pure
transparent water unfathomably deep in many places six or seven miles broad
four and twenty miles in length displaying above twenty green islands covered
with wood some of them cultivated for corn and many of them stocked with red
deer They belong to different gentlemen whose seats are scattered along the
banks of the lake which are agreeably romantic beyond all conception My uncle
and I have left the women at Cameron as Mrs Tabitha would by no means trust
herself again upon the water and to come hither it was necessary to cross a
small inlet of the sea in an open ferry boat This country appears more and
more wild and savage the further we advance and the people are as different
from the LowlandScots in their looks garb and language as the mountaineers
of Brecknock are from the inhabitants of Herefordshire
When the Lowlanders want to drink a chearuppingcup they go to the public
house called the Changehouse and call for a chopine of twopenny which is a
thin yeasty beverage made of malt not quite so strong as the tablebeer of
England This is brought in a pewter stoop shaped like a skittle from whence
it is emptied into a quaff that is a curious cup made of different pieces of
wood such as box and ebony cut into little staves joined alternately and
secured with delicate hoops having two ears or handles It holds about a gill
is sometimes tipt round the mouth with silver and has a plate of the same metal
at bottom with the landlords cypher engraved The Highlanders on the
contrary despise this liquor and regale themselves with whisky a malt spirit
as strong as geneva which they swallow in great quantities without any signs
of inebriation They are used to it from the cradle and find it an excellent
preservative against the winter cold which must be extreme on these mountains
I am told that it is given with great success to infants as a cordial in the
confluent smallpox when the eruption seems to flag and the symptoms grow
unfavourable The Highlanders are used to eat much more animal food than falls
to the share of their neighbours in the Lowcountry They delight in hunting
have plenty of deer and other game with a great number of sheep goats and
blackcattle running wild which they scruple not to kill as venison without
being at much pains to ascertain the property
Inverary is but a poor town though it stands immediately under the
protection of the duke of Argyle who is a mighty prince in this part of
Scotland The peasants live in wretched cabins and seem very poor but the
gentlemen are tolerably well lodged and so loving to strangers that a man runs
some risque of his life from their hospitality It must be observed that the
poor Highlanders are now seen to disadvantage They have been not only disarmed
by act of parliament but also deprived of their antient garb which was both
graceful and convenient and what is a greater hardship still they are
compelled to wear breeches a restraint which they cannot bear with any degree
of patience indeed the majority wear them not in the proper place but on
poles or long staves over their shoulders They are even debarred the use of
their striped stuff called Tartane which was their own manufacture prized by
them above all the velvets brocards and tissues of Europe and Asia They now
lounge along in loose great coats of coarse russet equally mean and
cumbersome and betray manifest marks of dejection Certain it is the
government could not have taken a more effectual method to break their national
spirit
We have had princely sport in hunting the stag on these mountains These
are the lonely hills of Morven where Fingal and his heroes enjoyed the same
pastime I feel an enthusiastic pleasure when I survey the brown heath that
Ossian wont to tread and hear the wind whistle through the bending grass When
I enter our landlords hall I look for the suspended harp of that divine bard
and listen in hopes of hearing the aerial sound of his respected spirit The
Poems of Ossian are in every mouth A famous antiquarian of this country the
laird of Mackfarlane at whose house we dined a few days ago can repeat them
all in the original Gaelick which has a great affinity to the Welch not only
in the general sound but also in a great number of radical words and I make no
doubt but that they are both sprung from the same origin I was not a little
surprised when asking a Highlander one day if he knew where we should find any
game he replied »hu niel Sassenagh« which signifies no English the very same
answer I should have received from a Welchman and almost in the same words The
Highlanders have no other name for the people of the Lowcountry but Sassenagh
or Saxons a strong presumption that the Lowland Scots and the English are
derived from the same stock The peasants of these hills strongly resemble
those of Wales in their looks their manners and habitations every thing I
see and hear and feel seems Welch The mountains vales and streams the
air and climate the beef mutton and game are all Welch It must be owned
however that this people are better provided than we in some articles They
have plenty of red deer and roebuck which are fat and delicious at this season
of the year Their sea teems with amazing quantities of the finest fish in the
world and they find means to procure very good claret at a very small expence
Our landlord is a man of consequence in this part of the country a cadet
from the family of Argyle and hereditary captain of one of his castles His
name in plain English is Dougal Campbell but as there is a great number of
the same appellation they are distinguished like the Welch by patronimics
and as I have known an antient Briton called MadocapMorgan apJenkin
apJones our Highland chief designs himself Doul Macamish macoul ichian
signifying Dougal the son of James the son of Dougal the son of John He has
travelled in the course of his education and is disposed to make certain
alterations in his domestic oeconomy but he finds it impossible to abolish the
antient customs of the family some of which are ludicrous enough His piper
for example who is an hereditary officer of the household will not part with
the least particle of his privileges He has a right to wear the kilt or
antient Highland dress with the purse pistol and durk a broad yellow
ribbon fixed to the chanterpipe is thrown over his shoulder and trails along
the ground while he performs the function of his minstrelsy and this I
suppose is analogous to the pennon or flag which was formerly carried before
every knight in battle He plays before the laird every Sunday in his way to
the kirk which he circles three times performing the family march which
implies defiance to all the enemies of the clan and every morning he plays a
full hour by the clock in the great hall marching backwards and forwards all
the time with a solemn pace attended by the lairds kinsmen who seem much
delighted with the music In this exercise he indulges them with a variety of
pibrachs or airs suited to the different passions which he would either excite
or assuage
Mr Campbell himself who performs very well on the violin has an
invincible antipathy to the sound of the Highland bagpipe which sings in the
nose with a most alarming twang and indeed is quite intolerable to ears of
common sensibility when aggravated by the echo of a vaulted hall He therefore
begged the piper would have some mercy upon him and dispense with this part of
the morning service A consultation of the clan being held on this occasion it
was unanimously agreed that the lairds request could not be granted without a
dangerous encroachment upon the customs of the family The piper declared he
could not give up for a moment the privilege he derived from his ancestors nor
would the lairds relations forego an entertainment which they valued above all
others There was no remedy Mr Campbell being obliged to acquiesce is fain
to stop his ears with cotton to fortify his head with three or four nightcaps
and every morning retire into the penetralia of his habitation in order to
avoid this diurnal annoyance When the music ceases he produces himself at an
open window that looks into the courtyard which is by this time filled with a
crowd of his vassals and dependents who worship his first appearance by
uncovering their heads and bowing to the earth with the most humble
prostration As all these people have something to communicate in the way of
proposal complaint or petition they wait patiently till the laird comes
forth and following him in his walks are favoured each with a short audience
in his turn Two days ago he dispatched above an hundred different sollicitors
in walking with us to the house of a neighbouring gentleman where we dined by
invitation Our landlords housekeeping is equally rough and hospitable and
savours much of the simplicity of ancient times the great hall paved with flat
stones is about fortyfive feet by twentytwo and serves not only for a
diningroom but also for a bedchamber to gentlemendependents and hangerson
of the family At night half a dozen occasional beds are ranged on each side
along the wall These are made of fresh heath pulled up by the roots and
disposed in such a manner as to make a very agreeable couch where they lie
without any other covering than the plaid My uncle and I were indulged with
separate chambers and down beds which we begged to exchange for a layer of
heath and indeed I never slept so much to my satisfaction It was not only soft
and elastic but the plant being in flower diffused an agreeable fragrance
which is wonderfully refreshing and restorative
Yesterday we were invited to the funeral of an old lady the grandmother of
a gentleman in this neighbourhood and found ourselves in the midst of fifty
people who were regaled with a sumptuous feast accompanied by the music of a
dozen pipers In short this meeting had all the air of a grand festival and
the guests did such honour to the entertainment that many of them could not
stand when we were reminded of the business on which we had met The company
forthwith taking horse rode in a very irregular cavalcade to the place of
interment a church at the distance of two long miles from the castle On our
arrival however we found we had committed a small oversight in leaving the
corpse behind so that we were obliged to wheel about and met the old
gentlewoman half way carried upon poles by the nearest relations of her family
and attended by the coronach composed of a multitude of old hags who tore
their hair beat their breasts and howled most hideously At the grave the
orator or senachie pronounced the panegyric of the defunct every period being
confirmed by a yell of the coronach The body was committed to the earth the
pipers playing a pibroch all the time and all the company standing uncovered
The ceremony was closed with the discharge of pistols then we returned to the
castle resumed the bottle and by midnight there was not a sober person in the
family the females excepted The squire and I were with some difficulty
permitted to retire with our landlord in the evening but our entertainer was a
little chagrined at our retreat and afterwards seemed to think it a
disparagement to his family that not above a hundred gallons of whisky had been
drank upon such a solemn occasion This morning we got up by four to hunt the
roebuck and in an half an hour found breakfast ready served in the hall The
hunters consisted of Sir George Colquhoun and me as strangers my uncle not
chusing to be of the party of the laird in person the lairds brother the
lairds brothers son the lairds sisters son the lairds fathers brothers
son and all their foster brothers who are counted parcel of the family but we
were attended by an infinite number of Gaellys or ragged Highlanders without
shoes or stockings
The following articles formed our mornings repast one kit of boiled eggs
a second full of butter a third full of cream an entire cheese made of
goats milk a large earthen pot full of honey the best part of a ham a cold
venison pasty a bushel of oatmeal made in thin cakes and bannocks with a
small wheaten loaf in the middle for the strangers a large stone bottle full of
whisky another of brandy and a kilderkin of ale There was a laddle chained to
the cream kit with curious wooden bickers to be filled from this reservoir The
spirits were drank out of a silver quaff and the ale out of horns great
justice was done to the collation by the guests in general one of them in
particular ate above two dozen of hard eggs with a proportionable quantity of
bread butter and honey nor was one drop of liquor left upon the board
Finally a large roll of tobacco was presented by way of desert and every
individual took a comfortable quid to prevent the bad effects of the morning
air We had a fine chace over the mountains after a roebuck which we killed
and I got home time enough to drink tea with Mrs Campbell and our squire
Tomorrow we shall set out on our return for Cameron We propose to cross the
Frith of Clyde and take the towns of Greenock and PortGlasgow in our way This
circuit being finished we shall turn our faces to the south and follow the sun
with augmented velocity in order to enjoy the rest of the autumn in England
where Boreas is not quite so biting as he begins already to be on the tops of
these northern hills But our progress from place to place shall continue to be
specified in these detached journals of
Yours always
J MELFORD
Argyleshire Septr 3
To Dr Lewis
Dear Dick
About a fortnight is now elapsed since we left the capital of Scotland
directing our course towards Stirling where we lay The castle of this place
is such another as that of Edinburgh and affords a surprising prospect of the
windings of the river Forth which are so extraordinary that the distance from
hence to Alloa by land is but four miles and by water it is twentyfour Alloa
is a neat thriving town that depends in a great measure on the commerce of
Glasgow the merchants of which send hither tobacco and other articles to be
deposited in warehouses for exportation from the Frith of Forth In our way
hither we visited a flourishing ironwork where instead of burning wood they
use coal which they have the art of clearing in such a manner as frees it from
the sulphur that would otherwise render the metal too brittle for working
Excellent coal is found in almost every part of Scotland
The soil of this district produces scarce any other grain but oats and
barley perhaps because it is poorly cultivated and almost altogether
uninclosed The few inclosures they have consist of paultry walls of loose
stones gathered from the fields which indeed they cover as if they had been
scattered on purpose When I expressed my surprise that the peasants did not
disencumber their grounds of these stones a gentleman well acquainted with the
theory as well as practice of farming assured me that the stones far from
being prejudicial were serviceable to the crop This philosopher had ordered a
field of his own to be cleared manured and sown with barley and the produce
was more scanty than before He caused the stones to be replaced and next year
the crop was as good as ever The stones were removed a second time and the
harvest failed they were again brought back and the ground retrieved its
fertility The same experiment has been tried in different parts of Scotland
with the same success Astonished at this information I desired to know in
what manner he accounted for this strange phenomenon and he said there were
three ways in which the stones might be serviceable They might possibly
restrain an excess in the perspiration of the earth analogous to colliquative
sweats by which the human body is sometimes wasted and consumed They might act
as so many fences to protect the tender blade from the piercing winds of the
spring or by multiplying the reflexion of the sun they might increase the
warmth so as to mitigate the natural chilness of the soil and climate But
surely this excessive perspiration might be more effectually checked by
different kinds of manure such as ashes lime chalk or marl of which last it
seems there are many pits in this kingdom as for the warmth it would be much
more equally obtained by inclosures one half of the ground which is now
covered would be retrieved the cultivation would require less labour and the
ploughs harrows and horses would not suffer half the damage which they now
sustain
These northwestern parts are by no means fertile in corn The ground is
naturally barren and moorish The peasants are poorly lodged meagre in their
looks mean in their apparel and remarkably dirty This last reproach they
might easily wash off by means of those lakes rivers and rivulets of pure
water with which they are so liberally supplied by nature Agriculture cannot
be expected to flourish where the farms are small the leases short and the
husbandman begins upon a rack rent without a sufficient stock to answer the
purposes of improvement The granaries of Scotland are the banks of the Tweed
the counties of East and MidLothian the Carse of Gowrie in Perthshire equal
in fertility to any part of England and some tracts in Aberdeenshire and
Murray where I am told the harvest is more early than in Northumberland
although they lie above two degrees farther north I have a strong curiosity to
visit many places beyond the Forth and the Tay such as Perth Dundee Montrose
and Aberdeen which are towns equally elegant and thriving but the season is
too far advanced to admit of this addition to my original plan
I am so far happy as to have seen Glasgow which to the best of my
recollection and judgment is one of the prettiest towns in Europe and without
all doubt it is one of the most flourishing in Great Britain In short it is a
perfect beehive in point of industry It stands partly on a gentle declivity
but the greatest part of it is in a plain watered by the river Clyde The
streets are straight open airy and well paved and the houses lofty and well
built of hewn stone At the upper end of the town there is a venerable
cathedral that may be compared with Yorkminster or Westminster and about the
middle of the descent from this to the Cross is the college a respectable pile
of building with all manner of accommodation for the professors and students
including an elegant library and an observatory well provided with astronomical
instruments The number of inhabitants is said to amount to thirty thousand and
marks of opulence and independency appear in every quarter of this commercial
city which however is not without its inconveniences and defects The water
of their public pumps is generally hard and brackish an imperfection the less
excusable as the river Clyde runs by their doors in the lower part of the
town and there are rivulets and springs above the cathedral sufficient to fill
a large reservoir with excellent water which might be thence distributed to all
the different parts of the city It is of more consequence to consult the health
of the inhabitants in this article than to employ so much attention in
beautifying their town with new streets squares and churches Another defect
not so easily remedied is the shallowness of the river which will not float
vessels of any burthen within ten or twelve miles of the city so that the
merchants are obliged to load and unload their ships at Greenock and
PortGlasgow situated about fourteen miles nearer the mouth of the Frith where
it is about two miles broad
The people of Glasgow have a noble spirit of enterprise Mr Moore a
surgeon to whom I was recommended from Edinburgh introduced me to all the
principal merchants of the place Here I became acquainted with Mr Cochran who
may be styled one of the sages of this kingdom He was first magistrate at the
time of the last rebellion I sat as member when he was examined in the house of
commons upon which occasion Mr P observed he had never heard such a sensible
evidence given at that bar I was also introduced to Dr John Gordon a patriot
of a truly Roman spirit who is the father of the linen manufacture in this
place and was the great promoter of the city workhouse infirmary and other
works of public utility Had he lived in ancient Rome he would have been
honoured with a statue at the public expence I moreover conversed with one Mr
Gssfd whom I take to be one of the greatest merchants in Europe In the last
war he is said to have had at one time five and twenty ships with their
cargoes his own property and to have traded for above half a million sterling
a year The last war was a fortunate period for the commerce of Glasgow The
merchants considering that their ships bound for America launching out at once
into the Atlantic by the north of Ireland pursued a track very little
frequented by privateers resolved to insure one another and saved a very
considerable sum by this resolution as few or none of their ships were taken
You must know I have a sort of national attachment to this part of Scotland
The great church dedicated to St Mongah the river Clyde and other particulars
that smack of our Welch language and customs contribute to flatter me with the
notion that these people are the descendants of the Britons who once possessed
this country Without all question this was a Cumbrian kingdom its capital was
Dumbarton a corruption of Dumbritton which still exists as a royal borough at
the influx of the Clyde and Leven ten miles below Glasgow The same
neighbourhood gave birth to St Patrick the apostle of Ireland at a place
where there is still a church and village which retain his name Hard by are
some vestiges of the famous Roman wall built in the reign of Antonine from the
Clyde to the Forth and fortified with castles to restrain the incursions of
the Scots or Caledonians who inhabited the WestHighlands In a line parallel
to this wall the merchants of Glasgow have determined to make a navigable canal
betwixt the two Friths which will be of incredible advantage to their commerce
in transporting merchandize from one side of the island to the other
From Glasgow we travelled along the Clyde which is a delightful stream
adorned on both sides with villas towns and villages Here is no want of
groves and meadows and cornfields interspersed but on this side of Glasgow
there is little other grain than oats and barley the first are much better the
last much worse than those of the same species in England I wonder there is
so little rye which is a grain that will thrive in almost any soil and it is
still more surprising that the cultivation of potatoes should be so much
neglected in the Highlands where the poor people have not meal enough to supply
them with bread through the winter On the other side of the river are the towns
of Paisley and Renfrew The first from an inconsiderable village is become one
of the most flourishing places of the kingdom enriched by the linen cambrick
flowered lawn and silk manufactures It was formerly noted for a rich monastery
of the monks of Clugny who wrote the famous ScotiChronicon called The Black
Book of Paisley The old abbey still remains converted into a dwellinghouse
belonging to the earl of Dundonald Renfrew is a pretty town on the banks of
Clyde capital of the shire which was heretofore the patrimony of the Stuart
family and gave the title of baron to the kings eldest son which is still
assumed by the prince of Wales
The Clyde we left a little on our lefthand at Dunbritton where it widens
into an æstuary or frith being augmented by the influx of the Leven On this
spot stands the castle formerly called Alcluyd washed by these two rivers on
all sides except a narrow isthmus which at every springtide is overflowed
The whole is a great curiosity from the quality and form of the rock as well
as from the nature of its situation We now crossed the water of Leven which
though nothing near so considerable as the Clyde is much more transparent
pastoral and delightful This charming stream is the outlet of LoughLomond
and through a tract of four miles pursues its winding course murmuring over a
bed of pebbles till it joins the Frith at Dunbritton A very little above its
source on the lake stands the house of Cameron belonging to Mr Smollett so
embosomed in an oak wood that we did not see it till we were within fifty yards
of the door I have seen the Lago di Garda Albano De Vico Bolsena and
Geneva and upon my honour I prefer LoughLomond to them all a preference
which is certainly owing to the verdant islands that seem to float upon its
surface affording the most enchanting objects of repose to the excursive view
Nor are the banks destitute of beauties which even partake of the sublime On
this side they display a sweet variety of woodland cornfield and pasture
with several agreeable villas emerging as it were out of the lake till at some
distance the prospect terminates in huge mountains covered with heath which
being in the bloom affords a very rich covering of purple Every thing here is
romantic beyond imagination This country is justly styled the Arcadia of
Scotland and I dont doubt but it may vie with Arcadia in every thing but
climate I am sure it excels it in verdure wood and water What say you to
a natural bason of pure water near thirty miles long and in some places seven
miles broad and in many above a hundred fathom deep having four and twenty
habitable islands some of them stocked with deer and all of them covered with
wood containing immense quantities of delicious fish salmon pike trout
perch flounders eels and powans the last a delicate kind of freshwater
herring peculiar to this lake and finally communicating with the sea by
sending off the Leven through which all those species except the powan make
their exit and entrance occasionally
Inclosed I send you the copy of a little ode to this river by Dr Smollett
who was born on the banks of it within two miles of the place where I am now
writing It is at least picturesque and accurately descriptive if it has no
other merit There is an idea of truth in an agreeable landscape taken from
nature which pleases me more than the gayest fiction which the most luxuriant
fancy can display
I have other remarks to make but as my paper is full I must reserve them
till the next occasion I shall only observe at present that I am determined to
penetrate at least forty miles into the Highlands which now appear like a vast
fantastic vision in the clouds inviting the approach of
Yours always
MATT BRAMBLE
Cameron Aug 28
Ode to LevenWater
On Levens banks while free to rove
And tune the rural pipe to love
I envied not the happiest swain
That ever trod th Arcadian plain
Pure stream in whose transparent wave
My youthful limbs I wont to lave
No torrents stain thy limpid source
No rocks impede thy dimpling course
That sweetly warbles oer its bed
With white round polishd pebbles spread
While lightly poisd the scaly brood
In myriads cleave thy crystal flood
The springing trout in speckled pride
The salmon monarch of the tide
The ruthless pike intent on war
The silver eel and motled par2
Devolving from thy parent lake
A charming maze thy waters make
By bowrs of birch and groves of pine
And edges flowrd with eglantine
Still on thy banks so gaily green
May numrous herds and flocks be seen
And lasses chanting oer the pail
And shepherds piping in the dale
And ancient faith that knows no guile
And industry imbrownd with toil
And hearts resolvd and hands prepard
The blessings they enjoy to guard
To Dr Lewis
Dear Doctor
If I was disposed to be critical I should say this house of Cameron is too
near the lake which approaches on one side to within six or seven yards of
the window It might have been placed in a higher site which would have
afforded a more extensive prospect and a drier atmosphere but this imperfection
is not chargeable on the present proprietor who purchased it ready built
rather than be at the trouble of repairing his own familyhouse of Bonhill
which stands two miles from hence on the Leven so surrounded with plantation
that it used to be known by the name of the Mavis or thrush Nest Above that
house is a romantic glen or clift of a mountain covered with hanging woods
having at bottom a stream of fine water that forms a number of cascades in its
descent to join the Leven so that the scene is quite enchanting A captain of a
man of war who had made the circuit of the globe with Mr Anson being
conducted to this glen exclaimed »Juan Fernandez by God«
Indeed this country would be a perfect paradise if it was not like Wales
cursed with a weeping climate owing to the same causes in both the
neighbourhood of high mountains and a westerly situation exposed to the
vapours of the Atlantic ocean This air however notwithstanding its humidity
is so healthy that the natives are scarce ever visited by any other disease
than the smallpox and certain cutaneous evils which are the effects of dirty
living the great and general reproach of the commonalty of this kingdom Here
are a great many living monuments of longævity and among the rest a person
whom I treat with singular respect as a venerable druid who has lived near
ninety years without pain or sickness among oaks of his own planting He was
once proprietor of these lands but being of a projecting spirit some of his
schemes miscarried and he was obliged to part with his possession which hath
shifted hands two or three times since that period but every succeeding
proprietor hath done every thing in his power to make his old age easy and
comfortable He has a sufficiency to procure the necessaries of life and he and
his old woman reside in a small convenient farmhouse having a little garden
which he cultivates with his own hands This ancient couple live in great
health peace and harmony and knowing no wants enjoy the perfection of
content Mr Smollett calls him the admiral because he insists upon steering
his pleasureboat upon the lake and he spends most of his time in ranging
through the woods which he declares he enjoys as much as if they were still his
own property I asked him the other day if he was never sick and he answered
Yes he had a slight fever the year before the union If he was not deaf I
should take much pleasure in his conversation for he is very intelligent and
his memory is surprisingly retentive These are the happy effects of
temperance exercise and good nature Notwithstanding all his innocence
however he was the cause of great perturbation to my man Clinker whose natural
superstition has been much injured by the histories of witches fairies
ghosts and goblins which he has heard in this country On the evening after
our arrival Humphry strolled into the wood in the course of his meditation
and all at once the admiral stood before him under the shadow of a spreading
oak Though the fellow is far from being timorous in cases that are not supposed
preternatural he could not stand the sight of this apparition but ran into the
kitchen with his hair standing on end staring wildly and deprived of
utterance Mrs Jenkins seeing him in this condition screamed aloud »Lord
have mercy upon us he has seen something« Mrs Tabitha was alarmed and the
whole house in confusion When he was recruited with a dram I desired him to
explain the meaning of all this agitation and with some reluctance he owned
he had seen a spirit in the shape of an old man with a white beard a black
cap and a plaid night gown He was undeceived by the admiral in person who
coming in at this juncture appeared to be a creature of real flesh and blood
Do you know how we fare in this Scottish paradise We make free with our
landlords mutton which is excellent his poultryyard his garden his dairy
and his cellar which are all well stored We have delicious salmon pike
trout perch par etc at the door for the taking The Frith of Clyde on the
other side of the hill supplies us with mullet red and grey cod mackarel
whiting and a variety of seafish including the finest fresh herrings I ever
tasted We have sweet juicy beef and tolerable veal with delicate bread from
the little town of Dunbritton and plenty of partridge growse heathcock and
other game in presents
We have been visited by all the gentlemen in the neighbourhood and they
have entertained us at their houses not barely with hospitality but with such
marks of cordial affection as one would wish to find among near relations
after an absence of many years
I told you in my last I had projected an excursion to the Highlands which
project I have now happily executed under the auspices of Sir George Colquhoun
a colonel in the Dutch service who offered himself as our conductor on this
occasion Leaving our women at Cameron to the care and inspection of Lady H
C we set out on horseback for Inverary the county town of Argyle and dined
on the road with the Laird of Macfarlane the greatest genealogist I ever knew
in any country and perfectly acquainted with all the antiquities of Scotland
The Duke of Argyle has an old castle at Inverary where he resides when he
is in Scotland and hard by is the shell of a noble Gothic palace built by the
last duke which when finished will be a great ornament to this part of the
Highlands As for Inverary it is a place of very little importance
This country is amazingly wild especially towards the mountains which are
heaped upon the backs of one another making a most stupendous appearance of
savage nature with hardly any signs of cultivation or even of population All
is sublimity silence and solitude The people live together in glens or
bottoms where they are sheltered from the cold and storms of winter but there
is a margin of plain ground spread along the sea side which is well inhabited
and improved by the arts of husbandry and this I take to be one of the most
agreeable tracts of the whole island the sea not only keeps it warm and
supplies it with fish but affords one of the most ravishing prospects in the
whole world I mean the appearance of the Hebrides or Western Islands to the
number of three hundred scattered as far as the eye can reach in the most
agreeable confusion As the soil and climate of the Highlands are but ill
adapted to the cultivation of corn the people apply themselves chiefly to the
breeding and feeding of black cattle which turn to good account Those animals
run wild all the winter without any shelter or subsistence but what they can
find among the heath When the snow lies so deep and hard that they cannot
penetrate to the roots of the grass they make a diurnal progress guided by a
sure instinct to the seaside at low water where they feed on the alga marina
and other plants that grow upon the beach
Perhaps this branch of husbandry which requires very little attendance and
labour is one of the principal causes of that idleness and want of industry
which distinguishes these mountaineers in their own country When they come
forth into the world they become as diligent and alert as any people upon
earth They are undoubtedly a very distinct species from their fellowsubjects
of the Lowlands against whom they indulge an ancient spirit of animosity and
this difference is very discernible even among persons of family and education
The Lowlanders are generally cool and circumspect the Highlanders fiery and
ferocious but this violence of their passions serves only to inflame the zeal
of their devotion to strangers which is truly enthusiastic
We proceeded about twenty miles beyond Inverary to the house of a
gentleman a friend of our conductor where we stayed a few days and were
feasted in such a manner that I began to dread the consequence to my
constitution
Notwithstanding the solitude that prevails among these mountains there is
no want of people in the Highlands I am credibly informed that the duke of
Argyle can assemble five thousand men in arms of his own clan and surname
which is Campbell and there is besides a tribe of the same appellation whose
chief is the Earl of Breadalbine The Macdonalds are as numerous and remarkably
warlike the Camerons MLeods Frasers Grants MKenzies MKays MPhersons
MIntoshes are powerful clans so that if all the Highlanders including the
inhabitants of the Isles were united they could bring into the field an army
of forty thousand fighting men capable of undertaking the most dangerous
enterprize We have lived to see four thousand of them without discipline
throw the whole kingdom of Great Britain into confusion They attacked and
defeated two armies of regular troops accustomed to service They penetrated
into the centre of England and afterwards marched back with deliberation in
the face of two other armies through an enemys country where every precaution
was taken to cut off their retreat I know not any other people in Europe who
without the use or knowledge of arms will attack regular forces sword in hand
if their chief will head them in battle When disciplined they cannot fail of
being excellent soldiers They do not walk like the generality of mankind but
trot and bounce like deer as if they moved upon springs They greatly excel the
Lowlanders in all the exercises that require agility they are incredibly
abstemious and patient of hunger and fatigue so steeled against the weather
that in travelling even when the ground is covered with snow they never look
for a house or any other shelter but their plaid in which they wrap themselves
up and go to sleep under the cope of heaven Such people in quality of
soldiers must be invincible when the business is to perform quick marches in a
difficult country to strike sudden strokes beat up the enemys quarters
harrass their cavalry and perform expeditions without the formality of
magazines baggage forage and artillery The chieftainship of the Highlanders
is a very dangerous influence operating at the extremity of the island where
the eyes and hands of government cannot be supposed to see and act with
precision and vigour In order to break the force of clanship administration
has always practised the political maxim Divide et impera The legislature hath
not only disarmed these mountaineers but also deprived them of their ancient
garb which contributed in a great measure to keep up their military spirit and
their slavish tenures are all dissolved by act of parliament so that they are
at present as free and independent of their chiefs as the law can make them
but the original attachment still remains and is founded on something prior to
the feudal system about which the writers of this age have made such a pother
as if it was a new discovery like the Copernican system Every peculiarity of
policy custom and even temperament is affectedly traced to this origin as if
the feudal constitution had not been common to almost all the natives of Europe
For my part I expect to see the use of trunkhose and buttered ale ascribed to
the influence of the feudal system The connection between the clans and their
chiefs is without all doubt patriarchal It is founded on hereditary regard
and affection cherished through a long succession of ages The clan consider
the chief as their father they bear his name they believe themselves descended
from his family and they obey him as their lord with all the ardour of filial
love and veneration while he on his part exerts a paternal authority
commanding chastising rewarding protecting and maintaining them as his own
children If the legislature would entirely destroy this connection it must
compel the Highlanders to change their habitation and their names Even this
experiment has been formerly tried without success In the reign of James VI a
battle was fought within a few short miles of this place between two clans the
MGregors and the Colquhouns in which the latter were defeated the Laird of
MGregor made such a barbarous use of his victory that he was forfeited and
outlawed by act of parliament his lands were given to the family of Montrose
and his clan were obliged to change their name They obeyed so far as to call
themselves severally Campbell Graham or Drummond the surnames of the families
of Argyle Montrose and Perth that they might enjoy the protection of those
houses but they still added MGregor to their new appellation and as their
chief was deprived of his estate they robbed and plundered for his subsistence
Mr Cameron of Lochiel the chief of that clan whose father was attainted for
having been concerned in the last rebellion returning from France in obedience
to a proclamation and act of parliament passed at the beginning of the late
war paid a visit to his own country and hired a farm in the neighbourhood of
his fathers house which had been burnt to the ground The clan though ruined
and scattered no sooner heard of his arrival than they flocked to him from all
quarters to welcome his return and in a few days stocked his farm with seven
hundred black cattle which they had saved in the general wreck of their
affairs but their beloved chief who was a promising youth did not live to
enjoy the fruits of their fidelity and attachment
The most effectual method I know to weaken and at length destroy this
influence is to employ the commonalty in such a manner as to give them a taste
of property and independence In vain the government grants them advantageous
leases on the forfeited estates if they have no property to prosecute the means
of improvement The sea is an inexhaustible fund of riches but the fishery
cannot be carried on without vessels casks salt lines nets and other
tackle I conversed with a sensible man of this country who from a real spirit
of patriotism had set up a fishery on the coast and a manufacture of coarse
linen for the employment of the poor Highlanders Cod is here in such plenty
that he told me he had seen seven hundred taken on one line at one hawl It
must be observed however that the line was of immense length and had two
thousand hooks baited with muscles but the fish was so superior to the cod
caught on the banks of Newfoundland that his correspondent at Lisbon sold them
immediately at his own price although Lent was just over when they arrived and
the people might be supposed quite cloyed with this kind of diet His linen
manufacture was likewise in a prosperous way when the late war intervening all
his best hands were pressed into the service
It cannot be expected that the gentlemen of this country should execute
commercial schemes to render their vassals independent nor indeed are such
schemes suited to their way of life and inclination but a company of merchants
might with proper management turn to good account a fishery established in
this part of Scotland Our people have a strange itch to colonize America when
the uncultivated parts of our own island might be settled to greater advantage
After having rambled through the mountains and glens of Argyle we visited
the adjacent islands of Ila Jura Mull and Icolmkill In the first we saw the
remains of a castle built in a lake where Macdonald lord or king of the
isles formerly resided Jura is famous for having given birth to one Mackcrain
who lived one hundred and eighty years in one house and died in the reign of
Charles the Second Mull affords several bays where there is safe anchorage in
one of which the Florida a ship of the Spanish Armada was blown up by one of
Mr Smolletts ancestors About forty years ago John duke of Argyle is said to
have consulted the Spanish registers by which it appeared that this ship had
the military chest on board He employed experienced divers to examine the
wreck and they found the hull of the vessel still entire but so covered with
sand that they could not make their way between decks however they picked up
several pieces of plate that were scattered about in the bay and a couple of
fine brass cannon
Icolmkill or Iona is a small island which St Columba chose for his
habitation It was respected for its sanctity and college or seminary of
ecclesiastics Part of its church is still standing with the tombs of several
Scottish Irish and Danish sovereigns who were here interred These islanders
are very bold and dexterous watermen consequently the better adapted to the
fishery in their manners they are less savage and impetuous than their
countrymen on the continent and they speak the Erse or Gaelick in its greatest
purity
Having sent round our horses by land we embarked in the district of Cowal
for Greenock which is a neat little town on the other side of the Frith with
a curious harbour formed by three stone jetties carried out a good way into
the sea NewportGlasgow is such another place about two miles higher up
Both have a face of business and plenty and are supported entirely by the
shipping of Glasgow of which I counted sixty large vessels in these harbours
Taking boat again at Newport we were in less than an hour landed on the other
side within two short miles of our headquarters where we found our women in
good health and spirits They had been two days before joined by Mr Smollett
and his lady to whom we have such obligations as I cannot mention even to you
without blushing
Tomorrow we shall bid adieu to the Scotch Arcadia and begin our progress
to the southward taking our way by Lanerk and Nithsdale to the west borders of
England I have received so much advantage and satisfaction from this tour that
if my health suffers no revolution in the winter I believe I shall be tempted
to undertake another expedition to the Northern extremity of Caithness
unencumbered by those impediments which now clog the heels of
yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Cameron Sept 6
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My dearest Letty
Never did poor prisoner long for deliverance more than I have longed for an
opportunity to disburthen my cares into your friendly bosom and the occasion
which now presents itself is little less than miraculous Honest Saunders
Macawly the travelling Scotchman who goes every year to Wales is now at
Glasgow buying goods and coming to pay his respects to our family has
undertaken to deliver this letter into your own hand We have been six weeks in
Scotland and seen the principal towns of the kingdom where we have been
treated with great civility The people are very courteous and the country
being exceedingly romantic suits my turn and inclinations I contracted some
friendships at Edinburgh which is a large and lofty city full of gay company
and in particular commenced an intimate correspondence with one miss Rtn an
amiable young lady of my own age whose charms seemed to soften and even to
subdue the stubborn heart of my brother Jery but he no sooner left the place
than he relapsed into his former insensibility I feel however that this
indifference is not the familyconstitution I never admitted but one idea of
love and that has taken such root in my heart as to be equally proof against
all the pulls of discretion and the frosts of neglect
Dear Letty I had an alarming adventure at the hunters ball in Edinburgh
While I sat discoursing with a friend in a corner all at once the very image of
Wilson stood before me dressed exactly as he was in the character of Aimwell
It was one Mr Gordon whom I had not seen before Shocked at the sudden
apparition I fainted away and threw the whole assembly in confusion However
the cause of my disorder remained a secret to every body but my brother who was
likewise struck with the resemblance and scolded after we came home I am very
sensible of Jerys affection and know he spoke as well with a view to my own
interest and happiness as in regard to the honour of the family but I cannot
bear to have my wounds probed severely I was not so much affected by the
censure he passed upon my own indiscretion as with the reflection he made on
the conduct of Wilson He observed that if he was really the gentleman he
pretended to be and harboured nothing but honourable designs he would have
vindicated his pretensions in the face of day This remark made a deep
impression upon my mind I endeavoured to conceal my thoughts and this
endeavour had a bad effect upon my health and spirits so it was thought
necessary that I should go to the Highlands and drink the goatmilkwhey
We went accordingly to LoughLomond one of the most enchanting spots in the
whole world and what with this remedy which I had every morning fresh from the
mountains and the pure air and chearful company I have recovered my flesh and
appetite though there is something still at bottom which it is not in the
power of air exercise company or medicine to remove These incidents would
not touch me so nearly if I had a sensible confidant to sympathize with my
affliction and comfort me with wholesome advice I have nothing of this kind
except Win Jenkins who is really a good body in the main but very ill
qualified for such an office The poor creature is weak in her nerves as well
as in her understanding otherwise I might have known the true name and
character of that unfortunate youth But why do I call him unfortunate perhaps
the epithet is more applicable to me for having listened to the false
professions of But hold I have as yet no right and sure I have no
inclination to believe any thing to the prejudice of his honour In that
reflection I shall still exert my patience As for Mrs Jenkins she herself is
really an object of compassion Between vanity methodism and love her head
is almost turned I should have more regard for her however if she had been
more constant in the object of her affection but truly she aimed at conquest
and flirted at the same time with my uncles footman Humphry Clinker who is
really a deserving young man and one Dutton my brothers valet de chambre a
debauched fellow who leaving Win in the lurch ran away with another mans
bride at Berwick
My dear Willis I am truly ashamed of my own sex We complain of advantages
which the men take of our youth inexperience sensibility and all that but I
have seen enough to believe that our sex in general make it their business to
ensnare the other and for this purpose employ arts which are by no means to be
justified In point of constancy they certainly have nothing to reproach the
male part of the creation My poor aunt without any regard to her years and
imperfections has gone to market with her charms in every place where she
thought she had the least chance to dispose of her person which however hangs
still heavy on her hands I am afraid she has used even religion as a decoy
though it has not answered her expectation She has been praying preaching
and catechising among the methodists with whom this country abounds and
pretends to have such manifestations and revelations as even Clinker himself
can hardly believe though the poor fellow is half crazy with enthusiasm As for
Jenkins she affects to take all her mistresss reveries for gospel She has
also her heartheavings and motions of the spirit and God forgive me if I think
uncharitably but all this seems to me to be downright hypocrisy and deceit
Perhaps indeed the poor girl imposes on herself She is generally in a
flutter and is much subject to vapours Since we came to Scotland she has
seen apparitions and pretends to prophesy If I could put faith in all these
supernatural visitations I should think myself abandoned of grace for I have
neither seen heard nor felt any thing of this nature although I endeavour to
discharge the duties of religion with all the sincerity zeal and devotion
that is in the power of
Dear Letty
your ever affectionate
LYDIA MELFORD
Glasgow Sept 7
We are so far on our return to Brambletonhall and I would fain hope we shall
take Gloucester in our way in which case I shall have the inexpressible
pleasure of embracing my dear Willis Pray remember me to my worthy governess
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Mary
Sunders Macully the Scotchman who pushes directly for Vails has promised
to give it you into your own hand and therefore I would not miss the oportunity
to let you now as I am still in the land of the living and yet I have been on
the brink of the other world since I sent you my last letter We went by sea
to another kingdom called Fife and coming back had like to have gone to pot in
a storm What between the frite and sickness I thought I should have brought
my heart up even Mr Clinker was not his own man for eight and forty hours
after we got ashore It was well for some folks that we scaped drownding for
mistress was very frexious and seemed but indifferently prepared for a change
but thank God she was soon put in a better frame by the private exaltations of
the reverend Mr Macrocodile We afterwards churned to Starling and Grascow
which are a kiple of handsome towns and then we went to a gentlemans house at
LoffLoming which is a wonderful sea of fresh water with a power of hylands in
the midst ont They say as how it has got ner a bottom and was made by a
musician and truly I believe it for it is not in the coarse of nature It
has got waves without wind fish without fins and a floating hyland and one of
them is a crutchyard where the dead are buried and always before the person
dies a bell rings of itself to give warning
O Mary this is the land of congyration The bell knolled when we were
there I saw lights and heard lamentations The gentleman our landlord has
got another house which he was fain to quit on account of a mischievious
ghost that would not suffer people to lie in their beds The fairies dwell in
a hole of Kairmann a mounting hard by and they steal away the good women that
are in the straw if so be as how there ant a horshoe nailed to the door and
I was shewn an ould vitch called Elspath Ringavey with a red petticoat
bleared eyes and a mould of grey bristles on her sin That she mought do me
no harm I crossed her hand with a taster and bid her tell my fortune and she
told me such things descriving Mr Clinker to a hair but it shall neer be
said that I minchioned a word of the matter As I was troubled with fits she
advised me to bathe in the loff which was holy water and so I went in the
morning to a private place along with the housemaid and we bathed in our
birthday soot after the fashion of the country and behold whilst we dabbled
in the loff sir Gorge Coon started up with a gun but we clapt our hands to our
faces and passed by him to the place where we had left our smocks A civil
gentleman would have turned his head another way My comfit is he new not
which was which and as the saying is all cats in the dark are grey Whilst
we stayed at LoffLoming he and our two squires went three or four days
churning among the wild men of the mountings a parcel of selvidges that lie in
caves among the rocks devour young children speak Velch but the vords are
different Our ladies would not part with Mr Clinker because he is so stout
and so pyehouse that he fears neither man nor devils if so be as they dont
take him by surprise Indeed he was once so flurried by an operition that he
had like to have sounded He made believe as if it had been the ould edmiral
but the ould edmiral could not have made his air to stand on end and his teeth
to shatter but he said so in prudence that the ladies mought not be affeard
Miss Liddy has been puny and like to go into a decline I doubt her pore art
is too tinder but the gotsfey has sat her on her legs again You nows
gots fey is mothers milk to a Velchvoman As for mistress blessed be God she
ails nothing Her stomick is good and she improves in grease and godliness
but for all that she may have infections like other people and I believe she
wouldnt be sorry to be called your ladyship whenever sir George thinks proper
to ax the question But for my part whatever I may see or hear not a
praticle shall ever pass the lips of
Dear Molly
Your loving friend
WIN JENKINS
Grasco Sept 7
Remember me as usual to Sall We are now coming home though not the nearest
road I do suppose I shall find the kitten a fine boar at my return
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Knight
Once more I tread upon English ground which I like not the worse for the
six weeks ramble I have made among the woods and mountains of Caledonia no
offence to the land of cakes where bannocks grow upon straw I never saw my
uncle in such health and spirits as he now enjoys Liddy is perfectly recovered
and Mrs Tabitha has no reason to complain Nevertheless I believe she was
till yesterday inclined to give the whole Scotch nation to the devil as a pack
of insensible brutes upon whom her accomplishments had been displayed in vain
At every place where we halted did she mount the stage and flourished her
rusty arms without being able to make one conquest One of her last essays was
against the heart of sir George Colquhoun with whom she fought all the weapons
more than twice over She was grave and gay by turns She moralized and
methodized she laughed and romped and danced and sung and sighed and
ogled and lisped and fluttered and flattered but all was preaching to the
desart The baronet being a wellbred man carried his civilities as far as
she could in conscience expect and if evil tongues are to be believed some
degrees farther but he was too much a veteran in gallantry as well as in war
to fall into any ambuscade that she could lay for his affection While we were
absent in the Highlands she practised also upon the laird of Ladrishmore and
even gave him the rendezvous in the wood of Drumscailloch but the laird had
such a reverend care of his own reputation that he came attended with the
parson of the parish and nothing passed but spiritual communication After
all these miscarriages our aunt suddenly recollected lieutenant Lismahago
whom ever since our first arrival at Edinburgh she seemed to have utterly
forgot but now she expressed her hopes of seeing him at Dumfries according to
his promise
We set out from Glasgow by the way of Lanerk the countytown of Clydesdale
in the neighbourhood of which the whole river Clyde rushing down a steep rock
forms a very noble and stupendous cascade Next day we were obliged to halt in a
small borough until the carriage which had received some damage should be
repaired and here we met with an incident which warmly interested the
benevolent spirit of Mr Bramble As we stood at the window of an inn that
fronted the public prison a person arrived on horseback genteelly tho
plainly dressed in a blue frock with his own hair cut short and a goldlaced
hat upon his head Alighting and giving his horse to the landlord he
advanced to an old man who was at work in paving the street and accosted him in
these words »This is hard work for such an old man as you« So saying he
took the instrument out of his hand and began to thump the pavement After a
few strokes »Have you never a son said he to ease you of this labour« »Yes
and please your honour replied the senior I have three hopeful lads but at
present they are out of the way« »Honour not me cried the stranger it more
becomes me to honour your grey hairs Where are those sons you talk of« The
ancient paviour said his eldest son was a captain in the EastIndies and the
youngest had lately inlisted as a soldier in hopes of prospering like his
brother The gentleman desiring to know what was become of the second he wiped
his eyes and owned he had taken upon him his old fathers debts for which he
was now in the prison hard by
The traveller made three quick steps towards the jail then turning short
»Tell me said he has that unnatural captain sent you nothing to relieve your
distresses« »Call him not unnatural replied the other Gods blessing be upon
him he sent me a great deal of money but I made a bad use of it I lost it by
being security for a gentleman that was my landlord and was stript of all I had
in the world besides« At that instant a young man thrusting out his head and
neck between two iron bars in the prisonwindow exclaimed »Father father if
my brother William is in life thats he« »I am I am cried the stranger
clasping the old man in his arms and shedding a flood of tears I am your son
Willy sure enough« Before the father who was quite confounded could make any
return to this tenderness a decent old woman bolting out from the door of a
poor habitation cried »Where is my bairn where is my dear Willy« The
captain no sooner beheld her than he quitted his father and ran into her
embrace
I can assure you my uncle who saw and heard every thing that passed was
as much moved as any one of the parties concerned in this pathetic recognition
He sobbed and wept and clapped his hands and hollowed and finally ran down
into the street By this time the captain had retired with his parents and all
the inhabitants of the place were assembled at the door Mr Bramble
nevertheless pressed thro the crowd and entering the house »Captain said
he I beg the favour of your acquaintance I would have travelled a hundred
miles to see this affecting scene and I shall think myself happy if you and
your parents will dine with me at the public house« The captain thanked him for
his kind invitation which he said he would accept with pleasure but in the
mean time he could not think of eating or drinking while his poor brother was
in trouble He forthwith deposited a sum equal to the debt in the hands of the
magistrate who ventured to set his brother at liberty without farther process
and then the whole family repaired to the inn with my uncle attended by the
crowd the individuals of which shook their townsman by the hand while he
returned their caresses without the least sign of pride or affectation
This honest favourite of fortune whose name was Brown told my uncle that
he had been bred a weaver and about eighteen years ago had from a spirit of
idleness and dissipation enlisted as a soldier in the service of the EastIndia
company that in the course of duty he had the good fortune to attract the
notice and approbation of lord Clive who preferred him from one step to
another till he attained the rank of captain and paymaster to the regiment in
which capacities he had honestly amassed above twelve thousand pounds and at
the peace resigned his commission He had sent several remittances to his
father who received the first only consisting of one hundred pounds the
second had fallen into the hands of a bankrupt and the third had been consigned
to a gentleman of Scotland who died before it arrived so that it still
remained to be accounted for by his executors He now presented the old man with
fifty pounds for his present occasions over and above bank notes for one
hundred which he had deposited for his brothers release He brought along
with him a deed ready executed by which he settled a perpetuity of fourscore
pounds upon his parents to be inherited by their other two sons after their
decease He promised to purchase a commission for his youngest brother to
take the other as his own partner in a manufacture which he intended to set up
to give employment and bread to the industrious and to give five hundred
pounds by way of dower to his sister who had married a farmer in low
circumstances Finally he gave fifty pounds to the poor of the town where he
was born and feasted all the inhabitants without exception
My uncle was so charmed with the character of captain Brown that he drank
his health three times successively at dinner He said he was proud of his
acquaintance that he was an honour to his country and had in some measure
redeemed human nature from the reproach of pride selfishness and ingratitude
For my part I was as much pleased with the modesty as with the filial virtue
of this honest soldier who assumed no merit from his success and said very
little of his own transactions though the answers he made to our inquiries were
equally sensible and laconic Mrs Tabitha behaved very graciously to him until
she understood that he was going to make a tender of his hand to a person of low
estate who had been his sweetheart while he worked as a journeyman weaver
Our aunt was no sooner made acquainted with this design than she starched up
her behaviour with a double proportion of reserve and when the company broke
up she observed with a toss of her nose that Brown was a civil fellow enough
considering the lowness of his origin but that Fortune though she had mended
his circumstances was incapable to raise his ideas which were still humble and
plebeian
On the day that succeeded this adventure we went some miles out of our road
to see Drumlanrig a seat belonging to the Duke of Queensberry which appears
like a magnificent palace erected by magic in the midst of a wilderness It
is indeed a princely mansion with suitable parks and plantations rendered
still more striking by the nakedness of the surrounding country which is one of
the wildest tracts in all Scotland This wildness however is different from
that of the Highlands for here the mountains instead of heath are covered
with a fine green swarth affording pasture to innumerable flocks of sheep But
the fleeces of this country called Nithsdale are not comparable to the wool of
Galloway which is said to equal that of Salisbury plain Having passed the
night at the castle of Drumlanrig by invitation from the duke himself who is
one of the best men that ever breathed we prosecuted our journey to Dumfries a
very elegant trading town near the borders of England where we found plenty of
good provision and excellent wine at very reasonable prices and the
accommodation as good in all respects as in any part of SouthBritain If I
was confined to Scotland for life I would choose Dumfries as the place of my
residence Here we made enquiries about captain Lismahago of whom hearing no
tidings we proceeded by the Solway Frith to Carlisle You must know that the
Solway sands upon which travellers pass at low water are exceedingly
dangerous because as the tide makes they become quick in different places
and the flood rushes in so impetuously that passengers are often overtaken by
the sea and perish
In crossing these treacherous Syrtes with a guide we perceived a drowned
horse which Humphry Clinker after due inspection declared to be the very
identical beast which Mr Lismahago rode when he parted with us at Feltonbridge
in Northumberland This information which seemed to intimate that our friend
the lieutenant had shared the fate of his horse affected us all and above all
our aunt Tabitha who shed salt tears and obliged Clinker to pull a few hairs
out of the dead horses tail to be worn in a ring as a remembrance of his
master but her grief and ours was not of long duration for one of the first
persons we saw in Carlisle was the lieutenant in propria persona bargaining
with a horsedealer for another steed in the yard of the inn where we alighted
Mrs Bramble was the first that perceived him and screamed as if she had seen
a ghost and truly at a proper time and place he might very well have passed
for an inhabitant of another world for he was more meagre and grim than before
We received him the more cordially for having supposed he had been drowned
and he was not deficient in expressions of satisfaction at this meeting He
told us he had inquired for us at Dumfries and been informed by a travelling
merchant from Glasgow that we had resolved to return by the way of Coldstream
He said that in passing the sands without a guide his horse had knocked up
and he himself must have perished if he had not been providentially relieved by
a return postchaise He moreover gave us to understand that his scheme of
settling in his own country having miscarried he was so far on his way to
London with a view to embark for NorthAmerica where he intended to pass the
rest of his days among his old friends the Miamis and amuse himself in
finishing the education of the son he had by his beloved Squinkinacoosta
This project was by no means agreeable to our good aunt who expatiated upon
the fatigues and dangers that would attend such a long voyage by sea and
afterwards such a tedious journey by land She enlarged particularly on the
risque he would run with respect to the concerns of his precious soul among
savages who had not yet received the glad tidings of salvation and she hinted
that his abandoning GreatBritain might perhaps prove fatal to the
inclinations of some deserving person whom he was qualified to make happy for
life My uncle who is really a Don Quixote in generosity understanding that
Lismahagos real reason for leaving Scotland was the impossibility of subsisting
in it with any decency upon the wretched provision of a subalterns halfpay
began to be warmly interested on the side of compassion He thought it very
hard that a gentleman who had served his country with honour should be driven
by necessity to spend his old age among the refuse of mankind in such a remote
part of the world He discoursed with me upon the subject observing that he
would willingly offer the lieutenant an asylum at Brambletonhall if he did not
foresee that his singularities and humour of contradiction would render him an
intolerable housemate though his conversation at some times might be both
instructive and entertaining but as there seemed to be something particular in
his attention to Mrs Tabitha he and I agreed in opinion that this intercourse
should be encouraged and improved if possible into a matrimonial union in
which case there would be a comfortable provision for both and they might be
settled in a house of their own so that Mr Bramble should have no more of
their company than he desired
In pursuance of this design Lismahago has been invited to pass the winter
at Brambletonhall as it wilt be time enough to execute his American project in
the spring He has taken time to consider of this proposal mean while he
will keep us company as far as we travel in the road to Bristol where he has
hopes of getting a passage for America I make no doubt but that he will
postpone his voyage and prosecute his addresses to a happy consummation and
sure if it produces any fruit it must be of a very peculiar flavour As the
weather continues favourable I believe we shall take the Peak of Derbyshire
and Buxton Wells in our way At any rate from the first place where we make
any stay you shall hear again from
Yours always
J MELFORD
Carlisle Sept 12
To Dr Lewis
Dear Doctor
The peasantry of Scotland are certainly on a poor footing all over the
kingdom and yet they look better and are better cloathed than those of the
same rank in Burgundy and many other places of France and Italy nay I will
venture to say they are better fed notwithstanding the boasted wine of these
foreign countries The country people of NorthBritain live chiefly on oatmeal
and milk cheese butter and some gardenstuff with now and then a
pickledherring by way of delicacy but fleshmeat they seldom or never taste
nor any kind of strong liquor except twopenny at times of uncommon festivity
Their breakfast is a kind of hastypudding of oatmeal or peasemeal eaten
with milk They have commonly pottage to dinner composed of cale or cole
leeks barley or big and butter and this is reinforced with bread and cheese
made of skimmedmilk At night they sup on sowens or flummery of oatmeal In
a scarcity of oats they use the meal of barley and pease which is both
nourishing and palatable Some of them have potatoes and you find parsnips in
every peasants garden They are cloathed with a coarse kind of russet of their
own making which is both decent and warm They dwell in poor huts built of
loose stones and turf without any mortar having a fireplace or hearth in the
middle generally made of an old millstone and a hole at top to let out the
smoke
These people however are content and wonderfully sagacious All of them
read the Bible and are even qualified to dispute upon the articles of their
faith which in those parts I have seen is entirely Presbyterian I am told
that the inhabitants of Aberdeenshire are still more acute I once knew a
Scotch gentleman at London who had declared war against this part of his
countrymen and swore that the impudence and knavery of the Scots in that
quarter had brought a reproach upon the whole nation
The river Clyde above Glasgow is quite pastoral and the banks of it are
every where adorned with fine villas From the sea to its source we may reckon
the seats of many families of the first rank such as the duke of Argyle at
Roseneath the earl of Bute in the isle of that name the earl of Glencairn at
Finlayston lord Blantyre at Areskine the dutchess of Douglas at Bothwell duke
Hamilton at Hamilton the duke of Douglas at Douglas and the earl of Hyndford
at Carmichael Hamilton is a noble palace magnificently furnished and hard by
is the village of that name one of the neatest little towns I have seen in any
country The old castle of Douglas being burned to the ground by accident the
late duke resolved as head of the first family in Scotland to have the largest
house in the kingdom and ordered a plan for this purpose but there was only
one wing of it finished when he died It is to be hoped that his nephew who is
now in possession of his great fortune will complete the design of his
predecessor Clydesdale is in general populous and rich containing a great
number of gentlemen who are independent in their fortune but it produces more
cattle than corn This is also the case with Tweedale through part of which we
passed and Nidsdale which is generally rough wild and mountainous These
hills are covered with sheep and this is the small delicious mutton so much
preferable to that of the Londonmarket As their feeding costs so little the
sheep are not killed till five years old when their flesh juices and flavour
are in perfection but their fleeces are much damaged by the tar with which
they are smeared to preserve them from the rot in winter during which they run
wild night and day and thousands are lost under huge wreaths of snow Tis
pity the farmers cannot contrive some means to shelter this useful animal from
the inclemencies of a rigorous climate especially from the perpetual rains
which are more prejudicial than the greatest extremity of cold weather
On the little river Nid is situated the castle of Drumlanrig one of the
noblest seats in GreatBritain belonging to the duke of Queensberry one of
those few noblemen whose goodness of heart does honour to humannature I shall
not pretend to enter into a description of this palace which is really an
instance of the sublime in magnificence as well as in situation and puts one
in mind of the beautiful city of Palmyra rising like a vision in the midst of
the wilderness His grace keeps open house and lives with great splendour He
did us the honour to receive us with great courtesy and detain us all night
together with above twenty other guests with all their servants and horses to
a very considerable number The dutchess was equally gracious and took our
ladies under her immediate protection The longer I live I see more reason to
believe that prejudices of education are never wholly eradicated even when they
are discovered to be erroneous and absurd Such habits of thinking as interest
the grand passions cleave to the human heart in such a manner that though an
effort of reason may force them from their hold for a moment this violence no
sooner ceases than they resume their grasp with an increased elasticity and
adhesion
I am led into this reflection by what passed at the dukes table after
supper The conversation turned upon the vulgar notions of spirits and omens
that prevail among the commonalty of NorthBritain and all the company agreed
that nothing could be more ridiculous One gentleman however told a remarkable
story of himself by way of speculation »Being on a party of hunting in the
North said he I resolved to visit an old friend whom I had not seen for
twenty years So long he had been retired and sequestered from all his
acquaintance and lived in a moping melancholy way much afflicted with lowness
of spirits occasioned by the death of his wife whom he had loved with uncommon
affection As he resided in a remote part of the country and we were five
gentlemen with as many servants we carried some provision with us from the next
market town lest we should find him unprepared for our reception The roads
being bad we did not arrive at the house till two oclock in the afternoon and
were agreeably surprised to find a very good dinner ready in the kitchen and
the cloth laid with six covers My friend himself appeared in his best apparel
at the gate and received us with open arms telling me he had been expecting us
these two hours Astonished at this declaration I asked who had given him
intelligence of our coming and he smiled without making any other reply
However presuming upon our former intimacy I afterwards insisted upon knowing
and he told me very gravely he had seen me in a vision of the second sight
Nay he called in the evidence of his steward who solemnly declared that his
master had the day before apprised him of my coming with four other strangers
and ordered him to provide accordingly in consequence of which intimation he
had prepared the dinner which we were now eating and laid the covers according
to the number foretold« The incident we all owned to be remarkable and I
endeavoured to account for it by natural means I observed that as the
gentleman was of a visionary turn the casual idea or remembrance of his old
friend might suggest those circumstances which accident had for once realized
but that in all probability he had seen many visions of the same kind which
were never verified None of the company directly dissented from my opinion but
from the objections that were hinted I could plainly perceive that the
majority were persuaded there was something more extraordinary in the case
Another gentleman of the company addressing himself to me »Without all
doubt said he a diseased imagination is very apt to produce visions but we
must find some other method to account for something of this kind that happened
within these eight days in my neighbourhood A gentleman of a good family who
cannot be deemed a visionary in any sense of the word was near his own gate in
the twilight visited by his grandfather who has been dead these fifteen years
The spectre was mounted seemingly on the very horse he used to ride with an
angry and terrible countenance and said something which his grandson in the
confusion of his fear could not understand But this was not all He lifted up
a huge horsewhip and applied it with great violence to his back and shoulders
on which I saw the impression with my own eyes The apparition was afterwards
seen by the sexton of the parish hovering about the tomb where his body lies
interred as the man declared to several persons in the village before he knew
what had happened to the gentleman Nay he actually came to me as a justice of
the peace in order to make oath of these particulars which however I
declined administering As for the grandson of the defunct he is a sober
sensible worldlyminded fellow too intent upon schemes of interest to give
into reveries He would have willingly concealed the affair but he bawled out
in the first transport of his fear and running into the house exposed his
back and his sconce to the whole family so that there was no denying it in the
sequel It is now the common discourse of the country that this appearance and
behaviour of the old mans spirit portends some great calamity to the family
and the good woman has actually taken to her bed in this apprehension«
Though I did not pretend to explain this mystery I said I did not at all
doubt but it would one day appear to be a deception and in all probability a
scheme executed by some enemy of the person who had sustained the assault but
still the gentleman insisted upon the clearness of the evidence and the
concurrence of testimony by which two creditable witnesses without any
communication one with another affirmed the appearance of the same man with
whose person they were both well acquainted From Drumlanrig we pursued the
course of the Nid to Dumfries which stands several miles above the place where
the river falls into the sea and is after Glasgow the handsomest town I have
seen in Scotland The inhabitants indeed seem to have proposed that city as
their model not only in beautifying their town and regulating its police but
also in prosecuting their schemes of commerce and manufacture by which they are
grown rich and opulent
We reentered England by the way of Carlisle where we accidentally met
with our friend Lismahago whom we had in vain inquired after at Dumfries and
other places It would seem that the captain like the prophets of old is but
little honoured in his own country which he has now renounced for ever He
gave me the following particulars of his visit to his native soil In his way
to the place of his nativity he learned that his nephew had married the
daughter of a burgeois who directed a weaving manufacture and had gone into
partnership with his fatherinlaw chagrined with this information he had
arrived at the gate in the twilight where he heard the sound of treddles in the
great hall which had exasperated him to such a degree that he had like to have
lost his senses while he was thus transported with indignation his nephew
chanced to come forth when being no longer master of his passion he cried
»Degenerate rascal you have made my fathers house a den of thieves« and at
the same time chastised him with his horsewhip then riding round the adjoining
village he had visited the buryingground of his ancestors by moonlight and
having paid his respects to their manes travelled all night to another part of
the country Finding the head of his family in such a disgraceful situation
all his own friends dead or removed from the places of their former residence
and the expence of living encreased to double of what it had been when he first
left his native country he had bid it an eternal adieu and was determined to
seek for repose among the forests of America
I was no longer at a loss to account for the apparition which had been
described at Drumlanrig and when I repeated the story to the lieutenant he was
much pleased to think his resentment had been so much more effectual than he
intended and he owned he might at such an hour and in such an equipage very
well pass for the ghost of his father whom he was said greatly to resemble
Between friends I fancy Lismahago will find a retreat without going so far as
the wigwams of the Miamis My sister Tabby is making continual advances to him
in the way of affection and if I may trust to appearances the captain is
disposed to take opportunity by the forelock For my part I intend to encourage
this correspondence and shall be glad to see them united In that case we
shall find a way to settle them comfortably in our own neighbourhood I and my
servants will get rid of a very troublesome and tyrannic gouvernante and I
shall have the benefit of Lismahagos conversation without being obliged to
take more of his company than I desire for though an olla is a highflavoured
dish I could not bear to dine upon it every day of my life
I am much pleased with Manchester which is one of the most agreeable and
flourishing towns in GreatBritain and I perceive that this is the place which
hath animated the spirit and suggested the chief manufactures of Glasgow We
propose to visit Chatsworth the Peak and Buxton from which last place we
shall proceed directly homewards though by easy journies If the season has
been as favourable in Wales as in the North your harvest is happily finished
and we have nothing left to think of but our October of which let Barns be
properly reminded You will find me much better in flesh than I was at our
parting and this short separation has given a new edge to those sentiments of
friendship with which I always have been and ever shall be
yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Manchester Sept 15
To Mrs Gwyllim housekeeper at Brambletonhall
Mrs Gwyllim
It has pleased Providence to bring us safe back to England and partake us
in many pearls by land and water in particular the Devils Harse apike and
Hoydens Hole which hath got no bottom and as we are drawing huomwards it
may be proper to uprise you that Brambletonhall may be in a condition to
receive us after this long gurney to the islands of Scotland By the first of
next month you may begin to make constant fires in my brothers chamber and
mine and burn a fagget every day in the yellow damask room have the tester and
curtains dusted and the fatherbed and matrosses well haired because perhaps
with the blissing of haven they may be yoosed on some occasion Let the ould
hogsheads be well skewred and seasoned for bear as Mat is resolved to have his
seller choak fool
If the house was mine I would turn over a new leaf I dont see why the
sarvants of Wales shouldnt drink fair water and eat hot cakes and barley cale
as they do in Scotland without troubling the botcher above once a quarter I
hope you keep accunt of Rogers purseeding in reverence to the buttermilk I
expect my dew when I come huom without baiting an ass Ill assure you As
you must have layed a great many more eggs than would be eaten I do suppose
there is a power of turks chickings and guzzling about the house and a brave
kergo of cheese ready for market and that the owl has been sent to Crickhowel
saving what the maids spun in the family
Pray let the whole house and furniture have a thorough cleaning from top to
bottom for the honour of Wales and let Roger search into and make a general
clearance of the slit holes which the maids have in secret for I know they are
much given to sloth and uncleanness I hope you have worked a reformation among
them as I exhorted you in my last and set their hearts upon better things than
they can find in junkitting and caterwauling with the fellows of the country
As for Win Jenkins she has undergone a perfect metamurphysis and is become
a new creeter from the ammunition of Humphry Clinker our new footman a pious
young man who has laboured exceedingly that she may bring forth fruits of
repentance I make no doubt but he will take the same pains with that pert
hussey Mary Jones and all of you and that he may have power given to penetrate
and instill his goodness even into your most inward parts is the fervent
prayer of
your friend in the spirit
TAB BRAMBLE
Septr 18
To Dr Lewis
Dear Lewis
Lismahago is more paradoxical than ever The late gulp he had of his
native air seems to have blown fresh spirit into all his polemical faculties I
congratulated him the other day on the present flourishing state of his country
observing that the Scots were now in a fair way to wipe off the national
reproach of poverty and expressing my satisfaction at the happy effects of the
union so conspicuous in the improvement of their agriculture commerce
manufactures and manners The lieutenant screwing up his features into a look
of dissent and disgust commented on my remarks to this effect »Those who
reproach a nation for its poverty when it is not owing to the profligacy or
vice of the people deserve no answer The Lacedæmonians were poorer than the
Scots when they took the lead among all the free states of Greece and were
esteemed above them all for their valour and their virtue The most respectable
heroes of ancient Rome such as Fabricius Cincinnatus and Regulus were poorer
than the poorest freeholder in Scotland and there are at this day individuals
in NorthBritain one of whom can produce more gold and silver than the whole
republic of Rome could raise at those times when her public virtue shone with
unrivalled lustre and poverty was so far from being a reproach that it added
fresh laurels to her fame because it indicated a noble contempt of wealth
which was proof against all the arts of corruption If poverty be a subject for
reproach it follows that wealth is the object of esteem and veneration In
that case there are Jews and others in Amsterdam and London enriched by usury
peculation and different species of fraud and extortion who are more estimable
than the most virtuous and illustrious members of the community An absurdity
which no man in his senses will offer to maintain Riches are certainly no
proof of merit nay they are often if not most commonly acquired by persons of
sordid minds and mean talents nor do they give any intrinsic worth to the
possessor but on the contrary tend to pervert his understanding and render
his morals more depraved But granting that poverty were really matter of
reproach it cannot be justly imputed to Scotland No country is poor that can
supply its inhabitants with the necessaries of life and even afford articles
for exportation Scotland is rich in natural advantages it produces every
species of provision in abundance vast herds of cattle and flocks of sheep
with a great number of horses prodigious quantities of wool and flax with
plenty of copse wood and in some parts large forests of timber The earth is
still more rich below than above the surface It yields inexhaustible stores of
coal freestone marble lead iron copper and silver with some gold The
sea abounds with excellent fish and salt to cure them for exportation and
there are creeks and harbours round the whole kingdom for the convenience and
security of navigation The face of the country displays a surprising number of
cities towns villas and villages swarming with people and there seems to be
no want of art industry government and police such a kingdom can never be
called poor in any sense of the word though there may be many others more
powerful and opulent But the proper use of those advantages and the present
prosperity of the Scots you seem to derive from the union of the two kingdoms«
I said I supposed he would not deny that the appearance of the country was
much mended that the people lived better had more trade and a greater
quantity of money circulating since the union than before »I may safely admit
these premises answered the lieutenant without subscribing to your inference
The difference you mention I should take to be the natural progress of
improvement Since that period other nations such as the Swedes the Danes
and in particular the French have greatly increased in commerce without any
such cause assigned Before the union there was a remarkable spirit of trade
among the Scots as appeared in the case of their Darien company in which they
had embarked no less than four hundred thousand pounds sterling and in the
flourishing state of the maritime towns in Fife and on the eastern coast
enriched by their trade with France which failed in consequence of the union
The only solid commercial advantage reaped from that measure was the privilege
of trading to the English plantations yet excepting Glasgow and Dumfries I
dont know any other Scotch towns concerned in that traffic In other respects
I conceive the Scots were losers by the union They lost the independency of
their state the greatest prop of national spirit they lost their parliament
and their courts of justice were subjected to the revision and supremacy of an
English tribunal«
»Softly captain cried I you cannot be said to have lost your own
parliament while you are represented in that of GreatBritain« »True said
he with a sarcastic grin in debates of national competition the sixteen peers
and fortyfive commoners of Scotland must make a formidable figure in the
scale against the whole English legislature« »Be that as it may I observed
while I had the honour to sit in the lower house the Scotch members had always
the majority on their side« »I understand you Sir said he they generally
side with the majority so much the worse for their constituents But even this
evil is not the worst they have sustained by the union Their trade has been
saddled with grievous impositions and every article of living severely taxed
to pay the interest of enormous debts contracted by the English in support of
measures and connections in which the Scots had no interest nor concern« I
begged he would at least allow that by the union the Scots were admitted to all
the privileges and immunities of English subjects by which means multitudes of
them were provided for in the army and navy and got fortunes in different parts
of England and its dominions »All these said he become English subjects to
all intents and purposes and are in a great measure lost to their
mothercountry The spirit of rambling and adventure has been always peculiar to
the natives of Scotland If they had not met with encouragement in England they
would have served and settled as formerly in other countries such as Muscovy
Sweden Denmark Poland Germany France Piedmont and Italy in all which
nations their descendents continue to flourish even at this day«
By this time my patience began to fail and I exclaimed »For Gods sake
what has England got by this union which you say has been so productive of
misfortune to the Scots« »Great and manifold are the advantages which England
derives from the union said Lismahago in a solemn tone First and foremost
the settlement of the protestant succession a point which the English ministry
drove with such eagerness that no stone was left unturned to cajole and bribe
a few leading men to cram the union down the throats of the Scottish nation
who were surprisingly averse to the expedient They gained by it a considerable
addition of territory extending their dominion to the sea on all sides of the
island thereby shutting up all backdoors against the enterprizes of their
enemies They got an accession of above a million of useful subjects
constituting a neverfailing nursery of seamen soldiers labourers and
mechanics a most valuable acquisition to a trading country exposed to foreign
wars and obliged to maintain a number of settlements in all the four quarters
of the globe In the course of seven years during the last war Scotland
furnished the English army and navy with seventy thousand men over and above
those who migrated to their colonies or mingled with them at home in the civil
departments of life This was a very considerable and seasonable supply to a
nation whose people had been for many years decreasing in number and whose
lands and manufactures were actually suffering for want of hands I need not
remind you of the hackneyed maxim that to a nation in such circumstances a
supply of industrious people is a supply of wealth nor repeat an observation
which is now received as an eternal truth even among the English themselves
that the Scots who settle in SouthBritain are remarkably sober orderly and
industrious«
I allowed the truth of this remark adding that by their industry
oeconomy and circumspection many of them in England as well as in her
colonies amassed large fortunes with which they returned to their own country
and this was so much lost to SouthBritain »Give me leave sir said he to
assure you that in your fact you are mistaken and in your deduction
erroneous Not one in two hundred that leave Scotland ever returns to settle
in his own country and the few that do return carry thither nothing that can
possibly diminish the stock of SouthBritain for none of their treasure
stagnates in Scotland There is a continual circulation like that of the blood
in the human body and England is the heart to which all the streams which it
distributes are refunded and returned nay in consequence of that luxury which
our connection with England hath greatly encouraged if not introduced all the
produce of our lands and all the profits of our trade are engrossed by the
natives of SouthBritain for you will find that the exchange between the two
kingdoms is always against Scotland and that she retains neither gold nor
silver sufficient for her own circulation The Scots not content with their
own manufactures and produce which would very well answer all necessary
occasions seem to vie with each other in purchasing superfluities from England
such as broadcloth velvets stuffs silks lace furs jewels furniture of
all sorts sugar rum tea chocolate and coffee in a word not only every
mode of the most extravagant luxury but even many articles of convenience
which they might find as good and much cheaper in their own country For all
these particulars I conceive England may touch about one million sterling
ayear I dont pretend to make an exact calculation perhaps it may be
something less and perhaps a great deal more The annual revenue arising
from all the private estates of Scotland cannot fall short of a million
sterling and I should imagine their trade will amount to as much more I
know the linen manufacture alone returns near half a million exclusive of the
homeconsumption of that article If therefore NorthBritain pays a balance
of a million annually to England I insist upon it that country is more
valuable to her in the way of commerce than any colony in her possession over
and above the other advantages which I have specified therefore they are no
friends either to England or to truth who affect to depreciate the northern
part of the united kingdom«
I must own I was at first a little nettled to find myself schooled in so
many particulars Though I did not receive all his assertions as gospel I was
not prepared to refute them and I cannot help now acquiescing in his remarks so
far as to think that the contempt for Scotland which prevails too much on this
side the Tweed is founded on prejudice and error After some recollection
»Well captain said I you have argued stoutly for the importance of your own
country for my part I have such a regard for our fellowsubjects of
NorthBritain that I should be glad to see the day when your peasants can
afford to give all their oats to their cattle hogs and poultry and indulge
themselves with good wheaten loaves instead of such poor unpalatable and
inflammatory diet« Here again I brought myself into a premunire with the
disputatious Caledonian He said he hoped he should never see the common people
lifted out of that sphere for which they were intended by nature and the course
of things that they might have some reason to complain of their bread if it
were mixed like that of Norway with sawdust and fishbones but that oatmeal
was he apprehended as nourishing and salutary as wheatflour and the Scots in
general thought it at least as savoury He affirmed that a mouse which in
the article of selfpreservation might be supposed to act from infallible
instinct would always prefer oats to wheat as appeared from experience for
in a place where there was a parcel of each that animal had never begun to feed
upon the latter till all the oats were consumed for their nutritive quality he
appealed to the hale robust constitutions of the people who lived chiefly upon
oatmeal and instead of being inflammatory he asserted that it was a cooling
subacid balsamic and mucilaginous insomuch that in all inflammatory
distempers recourse was had to watergruel and flummery made of oatmeal
»At least said I give me leave to wish them such a degree of commerce as
may enable them to follow their own inclinations« »Heaven forbid cried this
philosopher Woe be to that nation where the multitude is at liberty to follow
their own inclinations Commerce is undoubtedly a blessing while restrained
within its proper channels but a glut of wealth brings along with it a glut of
evils it brings false taste false appetite false wants profusion venality
contempt of order engendering a spirit of licentiousness insolence and
faction that keeps the community in continual ferment and in time destroys all
the distinctions of civil society so that universal anarchy and uproar must
ensue Will any sensible man affirm that the national advantages of opulence
are to be sought on these terms« »No sure but I am one of those who think
that by proper regulations commerce may produce every national benefit
without the allay of such concomitant evils«
So much for the dogmata of my friend Lismahago whom I describe the more
circumstantially as I firmly believe he will set up his rest in Monmouthshire
Yesterday while I was alone with him he asked in some confusion if I should
have any objection to the success of a gentleman and a soldier provided he
should be so fortunate as to engage my sisters affection I answered without
hesitation that my sister was old enough to judge for herself and that I
should be very far from disapproving any resolution she might take in his
favour His eyes sparkled at this declaration He declared he should think
himself the happiest man on earth to be connected with my family and that he
should never be weary of giving me proofs of his gratitude and attachment I
suppose Tabby and he are already agreed in which case we shall have a wedding
at Brambletonhall and you shall give away the bride It is the least thing
you can do by way of atonement for your former cruelty to that poor lovesick
maiden who has been so long a thorn in the side of
Yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Sept 20
We have been at Buxton but as I did not much relish either the company or the
accommodations and had no occasion for the water we stayed but two nights in
the place
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Wat
Adventures begin to thicken as we advance to the southward Lismahago has
now professed himself the admirer of our aunt and carries on his addresses
under the sanction of her brothers approbation so that we shall certainly have
a wedding by Christmas I should be glad you was present at the nuptials to
help me to throw the stocking and perform other ceremonies peculiar to that
occasion I am sure it will be productive of some diversion and truly it
would be worth your while to come across the country on purpose to see two such
original figures in bed together with their laced nightcaps he the emblem of
good chear and she the picture of good nature All this agreeable prospect was
clouded and had well nigh vanished entirely in consequence of a late
misunderstanding between the future brothersinlaw which however is now
happily removed
A few days ago my uncle and I going to visit a relation met with lord
Oxmington at his house who asked us to dine with him next day and we accepted
the invitation Accordingly leaving our women under the care of captain
Lismahago at the inn where we had lodged the preceding night in a little town
about a mile from his lordships dwelling we went at the hour appointed and
had a fashionable meal served up with much ostentation to a company of about a
dozen persons none of whom we had ever seen before His lordship is much more
remarkable for his pride and caprice than for his hospitality and
understanding and indeed it appeared that he considered his guests merely as
objects to shine upon so as to reflect the lustre of his own magnificence
There was much state but no courtesy and a great deal of compliment without
any conversation Before the desert was removed our noble entertainer
proposed three general toasts then calling for a glass of wine and bowing all
round wished us a good afternoon This was the signal for the company to break
up and they obeyed it immediately all except our squire who was greatly
shocked at the manner of this dismission He changed countenance bit his lip
in silence but still kept his seat so that his lordship found himself obliged
to give us another hint by saying he should be glad to see us another time
»There is no time like the time present cried Mr Bramble your lordship has
not yet drank a bumper to the best in Christendom« »Ill drink no more bumpers
today answered our landlord and I am sorry to see you have drank too many
Order the gentlemans carriage to the gate« So saying he rose and retired
abruptly our squire starting up at the same time laying his hand upon his
sword and eyeing him with a most ferocious aspect The master having vanished
in this manner our uncle bad one of the servants to see what was to pay and
the fellow answering »This is no inn« »I cry you mercy cried the other I
perceive it is not if it were the landlord would be more civil Theres a
guinea however take it and tell your lord that I shall not leave the country
till I have had an opportunity to thank him in person for his politeness and
hospitality«
We then walked down stairs through a double range of lacqueys and getting
into the chaise proceeded homewards Perceiving the squire much ruffled I
ventured to disapprove of his resentment observing that as lord Oxmington was
well known to have his brain very ill timbered a sensible man should rather
laugh than be angry at his ridiculous want of breeding Mr Bramble took
umbrage at my presuming to be wiser than he upon this occasion and told me
that as he had always thought for himself in every occurrence in life he would
still use the same privilege with my good leave
When we returned to our inn he closeted Lismahago and having explained his
grievance desired that gentleman to go and demand satisfaction of Lord
Oxmington in his name The lieutenant charged himself with this commission
and immediately set out a horseback for his lordships house attended at his
own request by my man Archy Macalpine who had been used to military service
and truly if Macalpine had been mounted upon an ass this couple might have
passed for the knight of La Mancha and his squire Panza It was not till after
some demur that Lismahago obtained a private audience at which he formally
defied his lordship to single combat in the name of Mr Bramble and desired
him to appoint the time and place Lord Oxmington was so confounded at this
unexpected message that he could not for some time make any articulate reply
but stood staring at the lieutenant with manifest marks of perturbation At
length ringing a bell with great vehemence he exclaimed »What a commoner
send a challenge to a peer of the realm Privilege privilege Heres a
person brings me a challenge from the Welshman that dined at my table An
impudent fellow My wine is not yet out of his head«
The whole house was immediately in commotion Macalpine made a soldierly
retreat with the two horses but the captain was suddenly surrounded and
disarmed by the footmen whom a French valet de chambre headed in this exploit
his sword was passed through a closestool and his person through the
horsepond In this plight he returned to the inn half mad with his disgrace
So violent was the rage of his indignation that he mistook its object He
wanted to quarrel with Mr Bramble he said he had been dishonoured on his
account and he looked for reparation at his hands My uncles back was up in
a moment and he desired him to explain his pretensions »Either compel lord
Oxmington to give me satisfaction cried he or give it me in your own person«
»The latter part of the alternative is the most easy and expeditious replied
the squire starting up if you are disposed for a walk Ill attend you this
moment«
Here they were interrupted by Mrs Tabby who had overheard all that passed
She now burst into the room and running betwixt them in great agitation »Is
this your regard for me said she to the lieutenant to seek the life of my
brother« Lismahago who seemed to grow cool as my uncle grew hot assured her
he had a very great respect for Mr Bramble but he had still more for his own
honour which had suffered pollution but if that could be once purified he
should have no further cause of dissatisfaction The squire said he should
have thought it incumbent upon him to vindicate the lieutenants honour but as
he had now carved for himself he might swallow and digest it as well as he
could In a word what betwixt the mediation of Mrs Tabitha the recollection
of the captain who perceived he had gone too far and the remonstrances of your
humble servant who joined them at this juncture those two originals were
perfectly reconciled and then we proceeded to deliberate upon the means of
taking vengeance for the insults they had received from the petulant peer for
until that aim should be accomplished Mr Bramble swore with great emphasis
that he would not leave the inn where we now lodged even if he should pass his
Christmas on the spot
In consequence of our deliberations we next day in the forenoon proceeded
in a body to his lordships house all of us with our servants including the
coachman mounted ahorseback with our pistols loaded and ready primed Thus
prepared for action we paraded solemnly and slowly before his lordships gate
which we passed three times in such a manner that he could not but see us and
suspect the cause of our appearance After dinner we returned and performed
the same calvalcade which was again repeated the morning following but we had
no occasion to persist in these manoeuvres About noon we were visited by the
gentleman at whose house we had first seen lord Oxmington He now came to
make apologies in the name of his lordship who declared he had no intention to
give offence to my uncle in practising what had been always the custom of his
house and that as for the indignities which had been put upon the officer they
were offered without his lordships knowledge at the instigation of his valet
de chambre »If that be the case said my uncle in a peremptory tone I
shall be contented with lord Oxmingtons personal excuses and I hope my friend
will be satisfied with his lordships turning that insolent rascal out of his
service« »Sir cried Lismahago I must insist upon taking personal vengeance
for the personal injuries I have sustained«
After some debate the affair was adjusted in this manner His lordship
meeting us at our friends house declared he was sorry for what had happened
and that he had no intention to give umbrage The valet de chambre asked
pardon of the lieutenant upon his knees when Lismahago to the astonishment of
all present gave him a violent kick on the face which laid him on his back
exclaiming in a furious tone »Oui je te pardonne gens foutre«
Such was the fortunate issue of this perilous adventure which threatened
abundance of vexation to our family for the squire is one of those who will
sacrifice both life and fortune rather than leave what they conceive to be the
least speck or blemish upon their honour and reputation His lordship had no
sooner pronounced his apology with a very bad grace than he went away in some
disorder and I dare say he will never invite another Welchman to his table
We forthwith quitted the field of this atchievement in order to prosecute
our journey but we follow no determinate course We make small deviations to
see the remarkable towns villas and curiosities on each side of our route so
that we advance by slow steps towards the borders of Monmouthshire but in the
midst of these irregular motions there is no abberration nor eccentricity in
that affection with which I am dear Wat
Yours always
J MELFORD
Sept 28
To Dr Lewis
Dear Dick
At what time of life may a man think himself exempted from the necessity of
sacrificing his repose to the punctilios of a contemptible world I have been
engaged in a ridiculous adventure which I shall recount at meeting and this I
hope will not be much longer delayed as we have now performed almost all our
visits and seen every thing that I think has any right to retard us in our
journey homewards A few days ago understanding by accident that my old
friend Baynard was in the country I would not pass so near his habitation
without paying him a visit though our correspondence had been interrupted for a
long course of years
I felt myself very sensibly affected by the ideas of our past intimacy as
we approached the place where we had spent so many happy days together but when
we arrived at the house I could not recognize any one of those objects which
had been so deeply impressed upon my remembrance The tall oaks that shaded the
avenue had been cut down and the iron gates at the end of it removed together
with the high wall that surrounded the court yard The house itself which was
formerly a convent of Cistercian monks had a venerable appearance and along
the front that looked into the garden was a stone gallery which afforded me
many an agreeable walk when I was disposed to be contemplative Now the old
front is covered with a screen of modern architecture so that all without is
Grecian and all within Gothic As for the garden which was well stocked with
the best fruit which England could produce there is not now the least vestige
remaining of trees walls or hedges Nothing appears but a naked circus of
loose sand with a dry bason and a leaden triton in the middle
You must know that Baynard at his fathers death had a clear estate of
fifteen hundred pounds ayear and was in other respects extremely well
qualified to make a respectable figure in the commonwealth but what with some
excesses of youth and the expence of a contested election he in a few years
found himself encumbered with a debt of ten thousand pounds which he resolved
to discharge by means of a prudent marriage He accordingly married a miss
Thomson whose fortune amounted to double the sum that he owed She was the
daughter of a citizen who had failed in trade but her fortune came by an
uncle who died in the EastIndies Her own parents being dead she lived with
a maiden aunt who had superintended her education and in all appearance was
well enough qualified for the usual purposes of the married state Her virtues
however stood rather upon a negative than a positive foundation She was
neither proud insolent nor capricious nor given to scandal nor addicted to
gaming nor inclined to gallantry She could read and write and dance and
sing and play upon the harpsichord and smatter French and take a hand at
whist and ombre but even these accomplishments she possessed by halves She
excelled in nothing Her conversation was flat her stile mean and her
expression embarrassed In a word her character was totally insipid Her
person was not disagreeable but there was nothing graceful in her address nor
engaging in her manners and she was so ill qualified to do the honours of the
house that when she sat at the head of the table one was always looking for
the mistress of the family in some other place
Baynard had flattered himself that it would be no difficult matter to mould
such a subject after his own fashion and that she would chearfully enter into
his views which were wholly turned to domestic happiness He proposed to reside
always in the country of which he was fond to a degree of enthusiasm to
cultivate his estate which was very improvable to enjoy the exercise of rural
diversions to maintain an intimacy of correspondence with some friends that
were settled in his neighbourhood to keep a comfortable house without
suffering his expence to exceed the limits of his income and to find pleasure
and employment for his wife in the management and avocations of her own family
This however was a visionary scheme which he never was able to realize His
wife was as ignorant as a newborn babe of every thing that related to the
conduct of a family and she had no idea of a country life Her understanding
did not reach so far as to comprehend the first principles of discretion and
indeed if her capacity had been better than it was her natural indolence would
not have permitted her to abandon a certain routine to which she had been
habituated She had not taste enough to relish any rational enjoyment but her
ruling passion was vanity not that species which arises from selfconceit of
superior accomplishments but that which is of a bastard and idiot nature
excited by shew and ostentation which implies not even the least consciousness
of any personal merit
The nuptial peal of noise and nonsense being rung out in all the usual
changes Mr Baynard thought it high time to make her acquainted with the
particulars of the plan which he had projected He told her that his fortune
though sufficient to afford all the comforts of life was not ample enough to
command all the superfluities of pomp and pageantry which indeed were equally
absurd and intolerable He therefore hoped she would have no objection to their
leaving London in the spring when he would take the opportunity to dismiss some
unnecessary domestics whom he had hired for the occasion of their marriage
She heard him in silence and after some pause »So said she I am to be
buried in the country« He was so confounded at this reply that he could not
speak for some minutes at length he told her he was much mortified to find he
had proposed any thing that was disagreeable to her ideas »I am sure added
he I meant nothing more than to lay down a comfortable plan of living within
the bounds of our fortune which is but moderate« »Sir said she you are the
best judge of your own affairs My fortune I know does not exceed twenty
thousand pounds Yet even with that pittance I might have had a husband who
would not have begrudged me a house in London « »Good God my dear cried poor
Baynard in the utmost agitation you dont think me so sordid I only hinted
what I thought But I dont pretend to impose « »Yes sir resumed the lady
it is your prerogative to command and my duty to obey «
So saying she burst into tears and retired to her chamber where she was
joined by her aunt He endeavoured to recollect himself and act with vigour of
mind on this occasion but was betrayed by the tenderness of his nature which
was the greatest defect of his constitution He found the aunt in tears and the
niece in a fit which held her the best part of eight hours at the expiration
of which she began to talk incoherently about death and her dear husband who
had sat by her all this time and now pressed her hand to his lips in a
transport of grief and penitence for the offence he had given From thence
forward he carefully avoided mentioning the country and they continued to be
sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of extravagance and dissipation
leading what is called a fashionable life in town About the latter end of
July however Mrs Baynard in order to exhibit a proof of conjugal obedience
desired of her own accord that they might pay a visit to his country house as
there was no company left in London He would have excused himself from this
excursion which was no part of the oeconomical plan he had proposed but she
insisted upon making this sacrifice to his taste and prejudices and away they
went with such an equipage as astonished the whole country All that remained
of the season was engrossed by receiving and returning visits in the
neighbourhood and in this intercourse it was discovered that sir John
Chickwell had a housesteward and one footman in livery more than the complement
of Mr Baynards household This remark was made by the aunt at table and
assented to by the husband who observed that sir John Chickwell might very well
afford to keep more servants than were found in the family of a man who had not
half his fortune Mrs Baynard ate no supper that evening but was seized with a
violent fit which completed her triumph over the spirit of her consort The two
supernumerary servants were added The family plate was sold for old silver
and a new service procured fashionable furniture was provided and the whole
house turned topsy turvy
At their return to London in the beginning of winter he with a heavy
heart communicated these particulars to me in confidence Before his marriage
he had introduced me to the lady as his particular friend and I now offered in
that character to lay before her the necessity of reforming her oeconomy if
she had any regard to the interest of her own family or complaisance for the
inclinations of her husband But Baynard declined my offer on the supposition
that his wifes nerves were too delicate to bear expostulation and that it
would only serve to overwhelm her with such distress as would make himself
miserable
Baynard is a man of spirit and had she proved a termagant he would have
known how to deal with her but either by accident or instinct she fastened
upon the weak side of his soul and held it so fast that he has been in
subjection ever since I afterwards advised him to carry her abroad to France
or Italy where he might gratify her vanity for half the expence it cost him in
England and this advice he followed accordingly She was agreeably flattered
with the idea of seeing and knowing foreign parts and foreign fashions of
being presented to sovereigns and living familiarly with princes She forthwith
seized the hint which I had thrown out on purpose and even pressed Mr Baynard
to hasten his departure so that in a few weeks they crossed the sea to France
with a moderate train still including the aunt who was her bosom counsellor
and abetted her in all her opposition to her husbands will Since that period
I have had little or no opportunity to renew our former correspondence All
that I knew of his transactions amounted to no more than that after an absence
of two years they returned so little improved in oeconomy that they launched
out into new oceans of extravagance which at length obliged him to mortgage
his estate By this time she had bore him three children of which the last
only survives a puny boy of twelve or thirteen who will be ruined in his
education by the indulgence of his mother
As for Baynard neither his own good sense nor the dread of indigence nor
the consideration of his children has been of force sufficient to stimulate him
into the resolution of breaking at once the shameful spell by which he seems
enchanted With a taste capable of the most refined enjoyment a heart glowing
with all the warmth of friendship and humanity and a disposition strongly
turned to the more rational pleasures of a retired and country life he is
hurried about in a perpetual tumult amidst a mob of beings pleased with
rattles baubles and gewgaws so void of sense and distinction that even the
most acute philosophy would find it a very hard task to discover for what wise
purpose of providence they were created Friendship is not to be found nor can
the amusements for which he sighs be enjoyed within the rotation of absurdity
to which he is doomed for life He has long resigned all views of improving his
fortune by management and attention to the exercise of husbandry in which he
delighted and as to domestic happiness not the least glimpse of hope remains
to amuse his imagination Thus blasted in all his prospects he could not fail
to be overwhelmed with melancholy and chagrin which have preyed upon his health
and spirits in such a manner that he is now threatened with a consumption
I have given you a sketch of the man whom the other day I went to visit
At the gate we found a great number of powdered lacquies but no civility
After we had sat a considerable time in the coach we were told that Mr
Baynard had rode out and that his lady was dressing but we were introduced to
a parlour so very fine and delicate that in all appearance it was designed to
be seen only not inhabited The chairs and couches were carved gilt and
covered with rich damask so smooth and slick that they looked as if they had
never been sat upon There was no carpet on the floor but the boards were
rubbed and waxed in such a manner that we could not walk but were obliged to
slide along them and as for the stove it was too bright and polished to be
polluted with seacoal or stained by the smoke of any gross material fire
When we had remained above half an hour sacrificing to the inhospitable powers
in this temple of cold reception my friend Baynard arrived and understanding
we were in the house made his appearance so meagre yellow and dejected that
I really should not have known him had I met with him in any other place
Running up to me with great eagerness he strained me in his embrace and his
heart was so full that for some minutes he could not speak Having saluted us
all round he perceived our uncomfortable situation and conducting us into
another apartment which had fire in the chimney called for chocolate Then
withdrawing he returned with a compliment from his wife and in the mean time
presented his son Harry a shambling bleareyed boy in the habit of a hussar
very rude forward and impertinent His father would have sent him to a
boardingschool but his mamma and aunt would not hear of his lying out of the
house so that there was a clergyman engaged as his tutor in the family
As it was but just turned of twelve and the whole house was in commotion to
prepare a formal entertainment I foresaw it would be late before we dined and
proposed a walk to Mr Baynard that we might converse together freely In the
course of this perambulation when I expressed some surprise that he had
returned so soon from Italy he gave me to understand that his going abroad had
not at all answered the purpose for which he left England that although the
expence of living was not so great in Italy as at home respect being had to the
same rank of life in both countries it had been found necessary for him to lift
himself above his usual stile that he might be on some footing with the counts
marquises and cavalieres with whom he kept company He was obliged to hire a
great number of servants to take off a great variety of rich cloaths and to
keep a sumptuous table for the fashionable scorocconi of the country who
without a consideration of this kind would not have paid any attention to an
untitled foreigner let his family or fortune be ever so respectable Besides
Mrs Baynard was continually surrounded by a train of expensive loungers under
the denominations of languagemasters musicians painters and ciceroni and
had actually fallen into the disease of buying pictures and antiques upon her
own judgment which was far from being infallible At length she met with an
affront which gave her a disgust to Italy and drove her back to England with
some precipitation By means of frequenting the dutchess of Bs conversazione
while her grace was at Rome Mrs Baynard became acquainted with all the
fashionable people of that city and was admitted to their assemblies without
scruple Thus favoured she conceived too great an idea of her own importance
and when the duchess left Rome resolved to have a conversazione that should
leave the Romans no room to regret her graces departure She provided hands for
a musical entertainment and sent biglietti of invitation to every person of
distinction but not one Roman of the female sex appeared at her assembly She
was that night seized with a violent fit and kept her bed three days at the
expiration of which she declared that the air of Italy would be the ruin of her
constitution In order to prevent this catastrophe she was speedily removed to
Geneva from whence they returned to England by way of Lyons and Paris By the
time they arrived at Calais she had purchased such a quantity of silks stuffs
and laces that it was necessary to hire a vessel to smuggle them over and this
vessel was taken by a customhouse cutter so that they lost the whole cargo
which had cost them above eight hundred pounds
It now appeared that her travels had produced no effect upon her but that
of making her more expensive and fantastic than ever She affected to lead the
fashion not only in point of female dress but in every article of taste and
connoisseurship She made a drawing of the new façade to the house in the
country she pulled up the trees and pulled down the walls of the garden so as
to let in the easterly wind which Mr Baynards ancestors had been at great
pains to exclude To shew her taste in laying out ground she seized into her
own hand a farm of two hundred acres about a mile from the house which she
parcelled out into walks and shrubberies having a great bason in the middle
into which she poured a whole stream that turned two mills and afforded the
best trout in the country The bottom of the bason however was so ill secured
that it would not hold the water which strained through the earth and made a
bog of the whole plantation in a word the ground which formerly paid him one
hundred and fifty pounds a year now cost him two hundred pounds a year to keep
it in tolerable order over and above the first expence of trees shrubs
flowers turf and gravel There was not an inch of gardenground left about the
house nor a tree that produced fruit of any kind nor did he raise a truss of
hay or a bushel of oats for his horses nor had he a single cow to afford milk
for his tea far less did he ever dream of feeding his own mutton pigs and
poultry every article of housekeeping even the most inconsiderable was
brought from the next market town at the distance of five miles and thither
they sent a courier every morning to fetch hot rolls for breakfast In short
Baynard fairly owned that he spent double his income and that in a few years he
should be obliged to sell his estate for the payment of his creditors He said
his wife had such delicate nerves and such imbecillity of spirit that she
could neither bear remonstrance be it ever so gentle nor practise any scheme
of retrenchment even if she perceived the necessity of such a measure He had
therefore ceased struggling against the stream and endeavoured to reconcile
himself to ruin by reflecting that his child at least would inherit his
mothers fortune which was secured to him by the contract of marriage
The detail which he gave me of his affairs filled me at once with grief and
indignation I inveighed bitterly against the indiscretion of his wife and
reproached him with his unmanly acquiescence under the absurd tyranny which she
exerted I exhorted him to recollect his resolution and make one effectual
effort to disengage himself from a thraldom equally shameful and pernicious I
offered him all the assistance in my power I undertook to regulate his affairs
and even to bring about a reformation in his family if he would only authorize
me to execute the plan I should form for his advantage I was so affected by the
subject that I could not help mingling tears with my remonstrances and Baynard
was so penetrated with these marks of my affection that he lost all power of
utterance He pressed me to his breast with great emotion and wept in silence
At length he exclaimed »Friendship is undoubtedly the most precious balm of
life Your words dear Bramble have in a great measure recalled me from an
abyss of despondence in which I have been long overwhelmed I will upon
honour make you acquainted with a distinct state of my affairs and as far as
I am able to go will follow the course you prescribe But there are certain
lengths which my nature The truth is there are tender connexions of which a
bachelor has no idea Shall I own my weakness I cannot bear the thoughts of
making that woman uneasy « »And yet cried I she has seen you unhappy for a
series of years unhappy from her misconduct without ever shewing the least
inclination to alleviate your distress « »Nevertheless said he I am persuaded
she loves me with the most warm affection but these are incongruities in the
composition of the human mind which I hold to be inexplicable«
I was shocked at his infatuation and changed the subject after we had
agreed to maintain a close correspondence for the future He then gave me to
understand that he had two neighbours who like himself were driven by their
wives at full speed in the high road to bankruptcy and ruin All the three
husbands were of dispositions very different from each other and according to
this variation their consorts were admirably suited to the purpose of keeping
them alt three in subjection The views of the ladies were exactly the same
They vied in grandeur that is in ostentation with the wife of Sir Charles
Chickwell who had four times their fortune and she again piqued herself upon
making an equal figure with a neighbouring peeress whose revenue trebled her
own Here then was the fable of the frog and the ox realized in four different
instances within the same county one large fortune and three moderate estates
in a fair way of being burst by the inflation of female vanity and in three of
these instances three different forms of female tyranny were exercised Mr
Baynard was subjugated by practising upon the tenderness of his nature Mr
Milksan being of a timorous disposition truckled to the insolence of a
termagant Mr Sowerby who was of a temper neither to be moved by fits nor
driven by menaces had the fortune to be fitted with a helpmate who assailed
him with the weapons of irony and satire sometimes sneering in the way of
compliment sometimes throwing out sarcastic comparisons implying reproaches
upon his want of taste spirit and generosity by which means she stimulated
his passions from one act of extravagance to another just as the circumstances
of her vanity required
All these three ladies have at this time the same number of horses
carriages and servants in and out of livery the same variety of dress the
same quantity of plate and china the like ornaments in furniture and in their
entertainments they endeavour to exceed one another in the variety delicacy
and expence of their dishes I believe it will be found upon enquiry that
nineteen out of twenty who are ruined by extravagance fall a sacrifice to the
ridiculous pride and vanity of silly women whose parts are held in contempt by
the very men whom they pillage and enslave Thank heaven Dick that among all
the follies and weaknesses of human nature I have not yet fallen into that of
matrimony
After Baynard and I had discussed all these matters at leisure we returned
towards the house and met Jery with our two women who had come forth to take
the air as the lady of the mansion had not yet made her appearance In short
Mrs Baynard did not produce herself till about a quarter of an hour before
dinner was upon the table Then her husband brought her into the parlour
accompanied by her aunt and son and she received us with a coldness of reserve
sufficient to freeze the very soul of hospitality Though she knew I had been
the intimate friend of her husband and had often seen me with him in London
she shewed no marks of recognition or regard when I addressed myself to her in
the most friendly terms of salutation She did not even express the common
compliment of I am glad to see you or I hope you have enjoyed your health
since we had the pleasure of seeing you or some such words of course nor did
she once open her mouth in the way of welcome to my sister and my niece but sat
in silence like a statue with an aspect of insensibility Her aunt the model
upon which she had been formed was indeed the very essence of insipid
formality but the boy was very pert and impudent and prated without ceasing
At dinner the lady maintained the same ungracious indifference never
speaking but in whispers to her aunt and as to the repast it was made up of a
parcel of kickshaws contrived by a French cook without one substantial article
adapted to the satisfaction of an English appetite The pottage was little
better than bread soaked in dishwashings lukewarm The ragouts looked as if
they had been once eaten and half digested the fricassees were involved in a
nasty yellow poultice and the rotis were scorched and stinking for the honour
of the fumet The desert consisted of faded fruit and iced froth a good emblem
of our landladys character the tablebeer was sour the water foul and the
wine vapid but there was a parade of plate and china and a powdered lacquey
stood behind every chair except those of the master and mistress of the house
who were served by two valets dressed like gentlemen We dined in a large old
Gothic parlour which was formerly the hall It was now paved with marble and
notwithstanding the fire which had been kindled about an hour struck me with
such a chill sensation that when I entered it the teeth chattered in my jaws
In short every thing was cold comfortless and disgusting except the looks of
my friend Baynard which declared the warmth of his affection and humanity
After dinner we withdrew into another apartment where the boy began to be
impertinently troublesome to my niece Liddy He wanted a playfellow forsooth
and would have romped with her had she encouraged his advances He was even so
impudent as to snatch a kiss at which she changed countenance and seemed
uneasy and though his father checked him for the rudeness of his behaviour he
became so outrageous as to thrust his hand in her bosom an insult to which she
did not tamely submit though one of the mildest creatures upon earth Her eyes
sparkling with resentment she started up and lent him such a box on the ear
as sent him staggering to the other side of the room
»Miss Melford cried his father you have treated him with the utmost
propriety I am only sorry that the impertinence of any child of mine should
have occasioned this exertion of your spirit which I cannot but applaud and
admire« His wife was so far from assenting to the candour of his apology that
she rose from table and taking her son by the hand »Come child said she
your father cannot abide you« So saying she retired with this hopeful youth
and was followed by her gouvernante but neither the one nor the other deigned
to take the least notice of the company
Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted but I perceived his uneasiness was
tinctured with resentment and derived a good omen from this discovery I
ordered the horses to be put to the carriage and though he made some efforts to
detain us all night I insisted upon leaving the house immediately but before
I went away I took an opportunity of speaking to him again in private I said
every thing I could recollect to animate his endeavours in shaking off those
shameful trammels I made no scruple to declare that his wife was unworthy of
that tender complaisance which he had shewn for her foibles that she was dead
to all the genuine sentiments of conjugal affection insensible of her own
honour and interest and seemingly destitute of common sense and reflection I
conjured him to remember what he owed to his fathers house to his own
reputation and to his family including even this unreasonable woman herself
who was driving on blindly to her own destruction I advised him to form a plan
for retrenching superfluous expence and try to convince the aunt of the
necessity for such a reformation that she might gradually prepare her niece for
its execution and I exhorted him to turn that disagreeable piece of formality
out of the house if he should find her averse to his proposal
Here he interrupted me with a sigh observing that such a step would
undoubtedly be fatal to Mrs Baynard »I shall lose all patience cried I to
hear you talk so weakly Mrs Baynards fits will never hurt her constitution
I believe in my conscience they are all affected I am sure she has no feeling
for your distresses and when you are ruined she will appear to have no
feeling for her own« Finally I took his word and honour that he would make an
effort such as I had advised that he would form a plan of oeconomy and if he
found it impracticable without my assistance he would come to Bath in the
winter where I promised to give him the meeting and contribute all in my power
to the retrieval of his affairs With this mutual engagement we parted and I
shall think myself supremely happy if by my means a worthy man whom I love
and esteem can be saved from misery disgrace and despair
I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the country but he is
of a complexion very different from that of Baynard You have heard me mention
Sir Thomas Bullford whom I knew in Italy He is now become a country gentleman
but being disabled by the gout from enjoying any amusement abroad he
entertains himself within doors by keeping open house for all comers and
playing upon the oddities and humours of his company but he himself is
generally the greatest original at his table He is very goodhumoured talks
much and laughs without ceasing I am told that all the use he makes of his
understanding at present is to excite mirth by exhibiting his guests in
ludicrous attitudes I know not how far we may furnish him with entertainment of
this kind but I am resolved to beat up his quarters partly with a view to
laugh with the knight himself and partly to pay my respects to his lady a
goodnatured sensible woman with whom he lives upon very easy terms although
she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his estate
And now dear Dick I must tell you for your comfort that you are the only
man upon earth to whom I would presume to send such a longwinded epistle which
I could not find in my heart to curtail because the subject interested the
warmest passions of my heart neither will I make any other apology to a
correspondent who has been so long accustomed to the impertinence of
MATT BRAMBLE
Sept 30
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Knight
I believe there is something mischievous in my disposition for nothing
diverts me so much as to see certain characters tormented with false terrors
We last night lodged at the house of sir Thomas Bullford an old friend of my
uncle a jolly fellow of moderate intellects who in spite of the gout which
hath lamed him is resolved to be merry to the last and mirth he has a
particular knack in extracting from his guests let their humour be never so
caustic or refractory Besides our company there was in the house a
fatheaded justice of the peace called Frogmore and a country practitioner in
surgery who seemed to be our landlords chief companion and confidant We
found the knight sitting on a couch with his crutches by his side and his feet
supported on cushions but he received us with a hearty welcome and seemed
greatly rejoiced at our arrival After tea we were entertained with a sonata
on the harpsichord by lady Bullford who sung and played to admiration but sir
Thomas seemed to be a little asinine in the article of ears though he affected
to be in raptures and begged his wife to favour us with an arietta of her own
composing This arietta however she no sooner began to perform than he and
the justice fell asleep but the moment she ceased playing the knight waked
snorting and exclaimed »O cara what dye think gentlemen Will you talk any
more of your Pargolesi and your Corelli« At the same time he thrust his
tongue in one cheek and leered with one eye at the doctor and me who sat on
his left hand He concluded the pantomime with a loud laugh which he could
command at all times extempore Notwithstanding his disorder he did not do
penance at supper nor did he ever refuse his glass when the toast went round
but rather encouraged a quick circulation both by precept and example
I soon perceived the doctor had made himself very necessary to the baronet
He was the whetstone of his wit the butt of his satire and his operator in
certain experiments of humour which were occasionally tried upon strangers
Justice Frogmore was an excellent subject for this species of philosophy sleek
and corpulent solemn and shallow he had studied Burn with uncommon
application but he studied nothing so much as the art of living that is
eating well This fat buck had often afforded good sport to our landlord and
he was frequently started with tolerable success in the course of this evening
but the baronets appetite for ridicule seemed to be chiefly excited by the
appearance address and conversation of Lismahago whom he attempted in all the
different modes of exposition but he put me in mind of a contest that I once
saw betwixt a young hound and an old hedgehog The dog turned him over and
over and bounced and barked and mumbled but as often as he attempted to
bite he felt a prickle in his jaws and recoiled in manifest confusion The
captain when left to himself will not fail to turn his ludicrous side to the
company but if any man attempts to force him into that attitude he becomes
stubborn as a mule and unmanageable as an elephant unbroke
Divers tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice who ate a most
unconscionable supper and among other things a large plate of broiled
mushrooms which he had no sooner swallowed than the doctor observed with great
gravity that they were of the kind called champignons which in some
constitutions had a poisonous effect Mr Frogmore startled at this remark
asked in some confusion why he had not been so kind as to give him that notice
sooner He answered that he took it for granted by his eating them so
heartily that he was used to the dish but as he seemed to be under some
apprehension he prescribed a bumper of plaguewater which the justice drank
off immediately and retired to rest not without marks of terror and disquiet
At midnight we were shewn to our different chambers and in half an hour I
was fast asleep in bed but about three oclock in the morning I was waked with
a dismal cry of Fire and starting up ran to the window in my shirt The
night was dark and stormy and a number of people halfdressed ran backwards and
forwards thro the courtyard with links and lanthorns seemingly in the utmost
hurry and trepidation Slipping on my cloaths in a twinkling I ran down
stairs and upon inquiry found the fire was confined to a backstair which
led to a detached apartment where Lismahago lay By this time the lieutenant
was alarmed by bawling at his window which was in the second story but he
could not find his cloaths in the dark and his roomdoor was locked on the
outside The servants called to him that the house had been robbed that
without all doubt the villains had taken away his cloaths fastened the door
and set the house on fire for the staircase was in flames In this dilemma
the poor lieutenant ran about the room naked like a squirrel in a cage popping
out his head at the window between whiles and imploring assistance At
length the knight in person was brought out in his chair attended by my uncle
and all the family including our aunt Tabitha who screamed and cried and
tore her hair as if she had been distracted Sir Thomas had already ordered
his people to bring a long ladder which was applied to the captains window
and now he exorted him earnestly to descend There was no need of much
rhetoric to persuade Lismahago who forthwith made his exit by the window
roaring all the time to the people below to hold fast the ladder
Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion it was impossible to behold
this scene without being seized with an inclination to laugh The rueful aspect
of the lieutenant in his shirt with a quilted nightcap fastened under his
chin and his long lank limbs and posteriors exposed to the wind made a very
picturesque appearance when illumined by the links and torches which the
servants held up to light him in his descent All the company stood round the
ladder except the knight who sat in his chair exclaiming from time to time
»Lord have mercy upon us save the gentlemans life mind your footing dear
captain softly stand fast clasp the ladder with both hands there
well done my dear boy O bravo an old soldier for ever bring a blanket
bring a warm blanket to comfort his poor carcase warm the bed in the green
room give me your hand dear captain Im rejoiced to see thee safe and sound
with all my heart« Lismahago was received at the foot of the ladder by his
innamorata who snatching a blanket from one of the maids wrapped it about his
body two menservants took him under the arms and a female conducted him to
the green room still accompanied by Mrs Tabitha who saw him fairly put to
bed During this whole transaction he spoke not a syllable but looked
exceeding grim sometimes at one sometimes at another of the spectators who
now adjourned in a body to the parlour where we had supped every one surveying
another with marks of astonishment and curiosity
The knight being seated in an easy chair seized my uncle by the hand and
bursting into a long and loud laugh »Matt cried he crown me with oak or
ivy or laurel or parsley or what you will and acknowledge this to be a coup
de maitre in the way of waggery ha ha ha Such a camisicata scagliata
beffata O che roba O what a subject O what caricatura O for a
Rosa a Rembrandt a Schalken Zooks Ill give a hundred guineas to have it
painted what a fine descent from the cross or ascent to the gallows what
lights and shadows what a groupe below what expression above what an
aspect did you mind the aspect ha ha ha and the limbs and the
muscles every toe denoted terror ha ha ha then the blanket O what
costume St Andrew St Lazarus St Barrabas ha ha ha« »After all then
cried Mr Bramble very gravely this was no more than a false alarm We have
been frightened out of our beds and almost out of our senses for the jokes
sake« »Ay and such a joke cried our landlord such a farce such a
denouement such a catastrophe«
»Have a little patience replied our squire we are not yet come to the
catastrophe and pray God it may not turn out a tragedy instead of a farce
The captain is one of those saturnine subjects who have no idea of humour He
never laughs in his own person nor can he bear that other people should laugh
at his expence Besides if the subject had been properly chosen the joke was
too severe in all conscience« »Sdeath cried the knight I could not have
bated him an ace had he been my own father and as for the subject such another
does not present itself once in half a century« Here Mrs Tabitha interposing
and bridling up declared she did not see that Mr Lismahago was a fitter
subject for ridicule than the knight himself and that she was very much afraid
he would very soon find he had mistaken his man The baronet was a good deal
disconcerted by this intimation saying that he must be a Goth and a barbarian
if he did not enter into the spirit of such a happy and humorous contrivance
He begged however that Mr Bramble and his sister would bring him to reason
and this request was reinforced by lady Bullford who did not fail to read the
baronet a lecture upon his indiscretion which lecture he received with
submission on one side of his face and a leer upon the other
We now went to bed for the second time and before I got up my uncle had
visited Lismahago in the green room and used such arguments with him that when
we met in the parlour he seemed to be quite appeased He received the knights
apology with a good grace and even professed himself pleased at finding he had
contributed to the diversion of the company Sir Thomas shook him by the hand
laughing heartily and then desired a pinch of snuff in token of perfect
reconciliation The lieutenant putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket
pulled out instead of his own Scotch mull a very fine gold snuffbox which he
no sooner perceived than he said »Here is a small mistake« »No mistake at all
cried the baronet a fair exchange is no robbery Oblige me so far captain
as to let me keep your mull as a memorial« »Sir said the lieutenant the mull
is much at your service but this machine I can by no means retain It looks
like compounding a sort of felony in the code of honour Besides I dont know
but there may be another joke in this conveyance and I dont find myself
disposed to be brought upon the stage again I wont presume to make free with
your pockets but I beg you will put it up again with your own hand« So
saying with a certain austerity of aspect he presented the snuffbox to the
knight who received it in some confusion and restored the mull which he would
by no means keep except on the terms of exchange
This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the conversation when my
uncle took notice that Mr Justice Frogmore had not made his appearance either
at the nightalarm or now at the general rendezvous The baronet hearing
Frogmore mentioned »Odso cried he I had forgot the justice Prythee
doctor go and bring him out of his kennel« Then laughing till his sides were
well shaken he said he would shew the captain that he was not the only person
of the drama exhibited for the entertainment of the company As to the
nightscene it could not affect the justice who had been purposely lodged in
the farther end of the house remote from the noise and lulled with a dose of
opium into the bargain In a few minutes Mr Justice was led into the parlour
in his nightcap and loose morninggown rolling his head from side to side and
groaning piteously all the way »Jesu neighbour Frogmore exclaimed the
baronet what is the matter you look as if you was not a man for this world
Set him down softly on the couch poor gentleman Lord have mercy upon us
What makes him so pale and yellow and bloated« »Oh sir Thomas cried the
justice I doubt tis all over with me Those mushrooms I eat at your table
have done my business ah oh hey« »Now the Lord forbid said the other
what man have a good heart How does thy stomach feel hah«
To this interrogation he made no reply but throwing aside his night gown
discovered that his waistcoat would not meet upon his belly by five good inches
at least »Heaven protect us all cried sir Thomas what a melancholy
spectacle never did I see a man so suddenly swelled but when he was either
just dead or just dying Doctor canst thou do nothing for this poor
object« »I dont think the case is quite desperate said the surgeon but I
would advise Mr Frogmore to settle his affairs with all expedition the parson
may come and pray by him while I prepare a glyster and an emetic draught« The
justice rolling his languid eyes ejaculated with great fervency »Lord have
mercy upon us Christ have mercy upon us« Then he begged the surgeon in the
name of God to dispatch »As for my worldly affairs said he they are all
settled but one mortgage which must be left to my heirs but my poor soul my
poor soul what will become of my poor soul miserable sinner that I am«
»Nay prythee my dear boy compose thyself resumed the knight consider the
mercy of heaven is infinite thou canst not have any sins of a very deep dye on
thy conscience or the devils int« »Name not the devil exclaimed the
terrified Frogmore I have more sins to answer for than the world dreams of
Ah friend I have been sly sly damnd sly Send for the parson without
loss of time and put me to bed for I am posting to eternity« He was
accordingly raised from the couch and supported by two servants who led him
back to his room but before he quitted the parlour he intreated the good
company to assist him with their prayers He added »Take warning by me who
am suddenly cut off in my prime like a flower of the field and God forgive
you sir Thomas for suffering such poisonous trash to be eaten at your table«
He was no sooner removed out of hearing than the baronet abandoned himself
to a violent fit of laughing in which he was joined by the greatest part of the
company but we could hardly prevent the good lady from going to undeceive the
patient by discovering that while he slept his waistcoat had been straitened
by the contrivance of the surgeon and that the disorder in his stomach and
bowels was occasioned by some antimonial wine which he had taken over night
under the denomination of plaguewater She seemed to think that his
apprehension might put an end to his life the knight swore he was no such
chicken but a tough old rogue that would live long enough to plague all his
neighbours Upon enquiry we found his character did not intitle him to much
compassion or respect and therefore we let our landlords humour take its
course A glyster was actually administered by an old woman of the family who
had been sir Thomass nurse and the patient took a draught made with oxymel of
squills to forward the operation of the antimonial wine which had been retarded
by the opiate of the preceding night He was visited by the vicar who read
prayers and began to take an account of the state of his soul when those
medicines produced their effect so that the parson was obliged to hold his nose
while he poured forth spiritual consolation from his mouth The same expedient
was used by the knight and me who with the doctor entered the chamber at this
juncture and found Frogmore enthroned on an easingchair under the pressure of
a double evacuation The short intervals betwixt every heave he employed in
crying for mercy confessing his sins or asking the vicars opinion of his
case and the vicar answered in a solemn snuffling tone that heightened the
ridicule of the scene The emetic having done its office the doctor interfered
and ordered the patient to be put in bed again When he examined the egista and
felt his pulse he declared that much of the virus was discharged and giving
him a composing draught assured him he had good hopes of his recovery This
welcome hint he received with the tears of joy in his eyes protesting that if
he should recover he would always think himself indebted for his life to the
great skill and tenderness of his doctor whose hand he squeezed with great
fervor and thus he was left to his repose
We were pressed to stay dinner that we might be witnesses of his
resuscitation but my uncle insisted upon our departing before noon that we
might reach this town before it should be dark In the mean time lady
Bullford conducted us into the garden to see a fishpond just finished which
Mr Bramble censured as being too near the parlour where the knight now sat by
himself dozing in an elbowchair after the fatigues of his morning
atchievement In this situation he reclined with his feet wrapped in flannel
and supported in a line with his body when the door flying open with a violent
shock lieutenant Lismahago rushed into the room with horror in his looks
exclaiming »A mad dog a mad dog« and throwing up the window sash leaped into
the garden Sir Thomas waked by this tremendous exclamation started up and
forgetting his gout followed the lieutenants example by a kind of instinctive
impulse He not only bolted thro the window like an arrow from a bow but ran
up to his middle in the pond before he gave the least sign of recollection Then
the captain began to bawl »Lord have mercy upon us pray take care of the
gentleman for Gods sake mind your footing my dear boy get warm blankets
comfort his poor carcase warm the bed in the green room«
Lady Bullford was thunderstruck at this phænomenon and the rest of the
company gazed in silent astonishment while the servants hastened to assist
their master who suffered himself to be carried back into the parlour without
speaking a word Being instantly accommodated with dry clothes and flannels
comforted with a cordial and replaced in statu quo one of the maids was
ordered to chafe his lower extremities an operation in consequence of which his
senses seemed to return and his good humour to revive As we had followed him
into the room he looked at every individual in his turn with a certain
ludicrous expression in his countenance but fixed his eye in particular upon
Lismahago who presented him with a pinch of snuff and when he took it in
silence »Sir Thomas Bullford said he I am much obliged to you for all your
favours and some of them I have endeavoured to repay in your own coin« »Give
me thy hand cried the baronet thou hast indeed paid me Scot and lot and even
left a balance in my hands for which in presence of this company I promise to
be accountable« So saying he laughed very heartily and even seemed to enjoy
the retaliation which had been exacted at his own expence but lady Bullford
looked very grave and in all probability thought the lieutenant had carried his
resentment too far considering that her husband was valetudinary but
according to the proverb he that will play at bowls must expect to meet with
rubbers
I have seen a tame bear very diverting when properly managed become a very
dangerous wild beast when teized for the entertainment of the spectators As
for Lismahago he seemed to think the fright and the cold bath would have a good
effect upon his patients constitution but the doctor hinted some apprehension
that the gouty matter might by such a sudden shock be repelled from the
extremities and thrown upon some of the more vital parts of the machine I
should be very sorry to see this prognostic verified upon our facetious
landlord who told Mrs Tabitha at parting that he hoped she would remember him
in the distribution of the brides favours as he had taken so much pains to put
the captains pans and mettle to the proof After all I am afraid our squire
will appear to be the greatest sufferer by the baronets wit for his
constitution is by no means calculated for nightalarms He has yawned and
shivered all day and gone to bed without supper so that as we have got into
good quarters I imagine we shall make a halt tomorrow in which case you will
have at least one days respite from the persecution of
J MELFORD
Oct 3
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Dear Mary Jones
Miss Liddy is so good as to unclose me in a kiver as fur as Gloster and the
carrier will bring it to hand God send us all safe to Monmouthshire for Im
quite jaded with rambling Tis a true saying live and learn O woman what
chuckling and changing have I seen Well theres nothing sartain in this
world Who would have thought that mistriss after all the pains taken for the
good of her prusias sole would go for to throw away her poor body that she
would cast the heys of infection upon such a carryingcrow as Lashmihago as old
as Matthewsullin as dry as a red herring and as pore as a starved veezel O
Molly hadst thou seen him come down the ladder in a shurt so scanty that it
could not kiver his nakedness The young squire called him Dunquickset but
he looked for all the world like Cradocap Morgan the ould tinker that
suffered at Abergany for steeling of kettle Then hes a profane scuffle and
as Mr Clinker says no better than an impfiddle continually playing upon the
pyebill and the newburth I doubt he has as little manners as money for he
cant say a civil word much more make me a present of a pair of gloves for
goodwill but he looks as if he wanted to be very forewood and familiar O
that ever a gentlewoman of years and discretion should tare her air and cry and
disporridge herself for such a nubjack as the song goes
I vow she woud fain have a burd
That bids such a price for an owl
but for sartain he must have dealt with some Scotch musician to bring her to
this pass As for me I put my trust in the Lord and I have got a slice of
witch elm sowed in the gathers of my under petticoat and Mr Clinker assures
me that by the new light of grease I may deify the devil and all his works
But I nose what I nose If mistress should take up with Lashmyhago this is no
sarvice for me Thank God theres no want of places and if it want for wan
thing I would but no matter Madam Baynars woman has twenty good pounds
ayear and parquisites and dresses like a parson of distinkson I dined with
her and the valley de shambles with bags and golden jackets but there was
nothing kimfittable to eat being as how they live upon board and having
nothing but a piss of could cuddling tart and some blamangey I was tuck with
the cullick and a murcy it was that mistress had her viol of assings in the
cox
But as I was saying I think for sartain this match will go forewood for
things are come to a creesus and I have seen with my own hays such smuggling
But I scorn for to exclose the secrets of the family and if it wance comes to
marrying who nose but the frolick may go round I believes as how Miss Liddy
would have no reversion if her swan would appear and you would be surprised
Molly to receive a brides fever from your humble sarvant but this is all
suppository dear girl and I have sullenly promised to Mr Clinker that
neither man woman nor child shall no that arrow said a civil thing to me in
the way of infection I hopes to drink your health at Brambletonhall in a
horn of October before the month be out Pray let my bed be turned once aday
and the windore opened while the weather is dry and burn a few billets with
some brush in the footmans garret and see their mattrash be dry as a bone for
both our gentlemen have got a sad could by lying in damp shits at sir Tummas
Ballfarts No more at present but my sarvice to Saul and the rest of our
fellowsarvents being
Dear Mary Jones
always yours
WIN JENKINS
Oct 4
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My dear Letty
This method of writing to you from time to time without any hopes of an
answer affords me I own some ease and satisfaction in the midst of my
disquiet as it in some degree lightens the burthen of affliction but it is at
best a very imperfect enjoyment of friendship because it admits of no return of
confidence and good counsel I would give the whole world to have your company
for a single day I am heartily tired of this itinerant way of life I am
quite dizzy with a perpetual succession of objects Besides it is impossible to
travel such a length of way without being exposed to inconveniences dangers
and disagreeable accidents which prove very grievous to a poor creature of weak
nerves like me and make me pay very dear for the gratification of my curiosity
Nature never intended me for the busy world I long for repose and
solitude where I can enjoy that disinterested friendship which is not to be
found among crouds and indulge those pleasing reveries that shun the hurry and
tumult of fashionable society Unexperienced as I am in the commerce of life I
have seen enough to give me a disgust to the generality of those who carry it on
There is such malice treachery and dissimulation even among professed
friends and intimate companions as cannot fail to strike a virtuous mind with
horror and when Vice quits the stage for a moment her place is immediately
occupied by Folly which is often too serious to excite any thing but compassion
Perhaps I ought to be silent on the foibles of my poor aunt but with you my
dear Willis I have no secrets and truly her weaknesses are such as cannot be
concealed Since the first moment we arrived at Bath she has been employed
constantly in spreading nets for the other sex and at length she has caught a
superannuated lieutenant who is in a fair way to make her change her name My
uncle and my brother seem to have no objection to this extraordinary match
which I make no doubt will afford abundance of matter of conversation and
mirth for my part I am too sensible of my own weaknesses to be diverted with
those of other people At present I have something at heart that employs my
whole attention and keeps my mind in the utmost terror and suspence
Yesterday in the forenoon as I stood with my brother at the parlourwindow
of an inn where we had lodged a person passed ahorse back whom gracious
Heaven I instantly discovered to be Wilson He wore a white ridingcoat with
the cape buttoned up to his chin looked remarkably pale and passed at a round
trot without seeming to observe us Indeed he could not see us for there was
a blind that concealed us from the view You may guess how I was affected at
this apparition The light forsook my eyes and I was seized with such a
palpitation and trembling that I could not stand I sat down upon a couch and
strove to compose myself that my brother might not perceive my agitation but
it was impossible to escape his prying eyes He had observed the object that
alarmed me and doubtless knew him at the first glance He now looked at me
with a stern countenance then he ran out into the street to see what road the
unfortunate horseman had taken He afterwards dispatched his man for further
intelligence and seemed to meditate some violent design My uncle being out of
order we remained another night at the inn and all day long Jery acted the
part of an indefatigable spy upon my conduct He watched my very looks with
such eagerness of attention as if he would have penetrated into the utmost
recesses of my heart This may be owing to his regard for my honour if it is
not the effect of his own pride but he is so hot and violent and unrelenting
that the sight of him alone throws me into a flutter and really it will not be
in my power to afford him any share of my affection if he persists in
persecuting me at this rate I am afraid he has formed some scheme of vengeance
which will make me completely wretched I am afraid he suspects some collusion
from this appearance of Wilson Good God did he really appear or was it only
a phantom a pale spectre to apprise me of his death
O Letty what shall I do where shall I turn for advice and consolation
shall I implore the protection of my uncle who has been always kind and
compassionate This must be my last resource I dread the thoughts of making
him uneasy and would rather suffer a thousand deaths than live the cause of
dissension in the family I cannot perceive the meaning of Wilsons coming
hither perhaps he was in quest of us in order to disclose his real name and
situation but wherefore pass without staying to make the least inquiry My
dear Willis I am lost in conjecture I have not closed an eye since I saw
him All night long have I been tossed about from one imagination to another
The reflection finds no resting place I have prayed and sighed and wept
plentifully If this terrible suspence continues much longer I shall have
another fit of illness and then the whole family will be in confusion If it
was consistent with the wise purposes of Providence would I were in my grave
But it is my duty to be resigned My dearest Letty excuse my weakness
excuse these blots my tears fall so fast that I cannot keep the paper dry
yet I ought to consider that I have as yet no cause to despair but I am such a
fainthearted timorous creature
Thank God my uncle is much better than he was yesterday He is resolved
to pursue our journey strait to Wales I hope we shall take Gloucester in our
way that hope chears my poor heart I shall once more embrace my best beloved
Willis and pour all my griefs into her friendly bosom O heaven is it
possible that such happiness is reserved for
The dejected and forlorn
LYDIA MELFORD
Oct 4
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart of Jesus college Oxon
Dear Watkin
I yesterday met with an incident which I believe you will own to be very
surprising As I stood with Liddy at the window of the inn where we had lodged
who should pass by but Wilson ahorseback I could not be mistaken in the
person for I had a full view of him as he advanced I plainly perceived by my
sisters confusion that she recognized him at the same time I was equally
astonished and incensed at his appearance which I could not but interpret into
an insult or something worse I ran out at the gate and seeing him turn the
corner of the street I dispatched my servant to observe his motions but the
fellow was too late to bring me that satisfaction He told me however that
there was an inn called the Red Lion at that end of the town where he
supposed the horseman had alighted but that he would not enquire without
further orders I sent him back immediately to know what strangers were in the
house and he returned with a report that there was one Mr Wilson lately
arrived In consequence of this information I charged him with a note directed
to that gentleman desiring him to meet me in half an hour in a certain field at
the towns end with a case of pistols in order to decide the difference which
could not be determined at our last rencounter but I did not think proper to
subscribe the billet My man assured me he had delivered it into his own hand
and that having read it he declared he would wait upon the gentleman at the
place and time appointed
MAlpine being an old soldier and luckily sober at the time I entrusted
him with my secret I ordered him to be within call and having given him a
letter to be delivered to my uncle in case of accident I repaired to the
rendezvous which was an inclosed field at a little distance from the highway I
found my antagonist had already taken his ground wrapped in a dark horsemans
coat with a laced hat flapped over his eyes but what was my astonishment
when throwing off this wrapper he appeared to be a person whom I had never
seen before He had one pistol stuck in a leather belt and another in his hand
ready for action and advancing a few steps called to know if I was ready I
answered »No« and desired a parley upon which he turned the muzzle of his
piece towards the earth then replaced it in his belt and met me half way
When I assured him he was not the man I expected to meet he said It might be
so that he had received a slip of paper directed to Mr Wilson requesting him
to come hither and that as there was no other in the place of that name he
naturally concluded the note was intended for him and him only I then gave
him to understand that I had been injured by a person who assumed that name
which person I had actually seen within the hour passing through the street on
horseback that hearing there was a Mr Wilson at the Red Lion I took it for
granted he was the man and in that belief had writ the billet and I expressed
my surprize that he who was a stranger to me and my concerns should give me
such a rendezvous without taking the trouble to demand a previous explanation
He replied that there was no other of his name in the whole county that no
such horseman had alighted at the Red Lion since nine oclock when he arrived
that having had the honour to serve his majesty he thought he could not
decently decline any invitation of this kind from what quarter soever it might
come and that if any explanation was necessary it did not belong to him to
demand it but to the gentleman who summoned him into the field Vexed as I was
at this adventure I could not help admiring the coolness of this officer whose
open countenance prepossessed me in his favour He seemed to be turned of
forty wore his own short black hair which curled naturally about his ears and
was very plain in his apparel When I begged pardon for the trouble I had given
him he received my apology with great good humour He told me that he lived
about ten miles off at a small farmhouse which would afford me tolerable
lodging if I would come and take the diversion of hunting with him for a few
weeks in which case we might perhaps find out the man who had given me
offence I thanked him very sincerely for his courteous offer which I told
him I was not at liberty to accept at present on account of my being engaged
in a family partie and so we parted with mutual professions of good will and
esteem
Now tell me dear knight what am I to make of this singular adventure Am
I to suppose that the horseman I saw was really a thing of flesh and blood or a
bubble that vanished into air or must I imagine Liddy knows more of the
matter than she chuses to disclose If I thought her capable of carrying on
any clandestine correspondence with such a fellow I should at once discard all
tenderness and forget that she was connected with me by the ties of blood But
how is it possible that a girl of her simplicity and inexperience should
maintain such an intercourse surrounded as she is with so many eyes destitute
of all opportunity and shifting quarters every day of her life Besides she
has solemnly promised No I cant think the girl so base so insensible to
the honour of her family What disturbs me chiefly is the impression which
these occurrences seem to make upon her spirits These are the symptoms from
which I conclude that the rascal has still a hold on her affection surely I
have a right to call him a rascal and to conclude that his designs are infamous
But it shall be my fault if he does not one day repent his presumption I
confess I cannot think much less write on this subject with any degree of
temper or patience I shall therefore conclude with telling you that we hope to
be in Wales by the latter end of the month but before that period you will
probably hear again from
your affectionate
J MELFORD
Oct 4
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Phillips
When I wrote you by last post I did not imagine I should be tempted to
trouble you again so soon but I now sit down with a heart so full that it
cannot contain itself though I am under such agitation of spirits that you are
to expect neither method or connexion in this address We have been this day
within a hairs breadth of losing honest Matthew Bramble in consequence of a
cursed accident which I will endeavour to explain In crossing the country to
get into the post road it was necessary to ford a river and we that were
ahorseback passed without any danger or difficulty but a great quantity of
rain having fallen last night and this morning there was such an accumulation
of water that a millhead gave way just as the coach was passing under it and
the flood rushed down with such impetuosity as first floated and then fairly
overturned the carriage in the middle of the stream Lismahago and I and the
two servants alighting instantaneously ran into the river to give all the
assistance in our power Our aunt Mrs Tabitha who had the good fortune to
be uppermost was already half way out of the coach window when her lover
approaching disengaged her entirely but whether his foot slipt or the
burthen was too great they fell over head and ears in each others arms He
endeavoured more than once to get up and even to disentangle himself from her
embrace but she hung about his neck like a millstone no bad emblem of
matrimony and if my man had not proved a staunch auxiliary those two lovers
would in all probability have gone hand in hand to the shades below For my
part I was too much engaged to take any cognizance of their distress I
snatched out my sister by the hair of the head and dragging her to the bank
recollected that my uncle had not yet appeared Rushing again into the stream
I met Clinker hauling ashore Mrs Jenkins who looked like a mermaid with her
hair dishevelled about her ears but when I asked if his master was safe he
forthwith shook her from him and she must have gone to pot if a miller had not
seasonably come to her relief As for Humphry he flew like lightning to the
coach that was by this time filled with water and diving into it brought up
the poor squire to all appearance deprived of life It is not in my power to
describe what I felt at this melancholy spectacle it was such an agony as
baffles all description The faithful Clinker taking him up in his arms as if
he had been an infant of six months carried him ashore howling most piteously
all the way and I followed him in a transport of grief and consternation When
he was laid upon the grass and turned from side to side a great quantity of
water ran out at his mouth then he opened his eyes and fetched a deep sigh
Clinker perceiving these signs of life immediately tied up his arm with a
garter and pulling out a horsefleam let him blood in the farrier style At
first a few drops only issued from the orifice but the limb being chafed in a
little time the blood began to flow in a continued stream and he uttered some
incoherent words which were the most welcome sounds that ever saluted my ear
There was a country inn hard by the landlord of which had by this time come
with his people to give their assistance Thither my uncle being carried was
undressed and put to bed wrapped in warm blankets but having been moved too
soon he fainted away and once more lay without sense or motion
notwithstanding all the efforts of Clinker and the landlord who bathed his
temples with Hungary water and held a smellingbottle to his nose As I had
heard of the efficacy of salt in such cases I ordered all that was in the house
to be laid under his head and body and whether this application had the desired
effect or nature of herself prevailed he in less than a quarter of an hour
began to breathe regularly and soon retrieved his recollection to the
unspeakable joy of all the bystanders As for Clinker his brain seemed to be
affected He laughed and wept and danced about in such a distracted manner
that the landlord very judiciously conveyed him out of the room My uncle
seeing me dropping wet comprehended the whole of what had happened and asked
if all the company was safe Being answered in the affirmative he insisted
upon my putting on dry clothes and having swallowed a little warm wine
desired he might be left to his repose Before I went to shift myself I
inquired about the rest of the family I found Mrs Tabitha still delirious
from her fright discharging very copiously the water she had swallowed She was
supported by the captain distilling drops from his uncurled periwig so lank
and so dank that he looked like father Thames without his sedges embracing
Isis while she cascaded in his urn Mrs Jenkins was present also in a loose
bedgown without either cap or handkerchief but she seemed to be as little
compos mentis as her mistress and acted so many cross purposes in the course of
her attendance that between the two Lismahago had occasion for all his
philosophy As for Liddy I thought the poor girl would have actually lost her
senses The goodwoman of the house had shifted her linen and put her into bed
but she was seized with the idea that her uncle had perished and in this
persuasion made a dismal outcry nor did she pay the least regard to what I
said when I solemnly assured her he was safe Mr Bramble hearing the noise
and being informed of her apprehension desired she might be brought into his
chamber and she no sooner received this intimation than she ran thither half
naked with the wildest expression of eagerness in her countenance Seeing the
squire sitting up in the bed she sprung forwards and throwing her arms about
his neck exclaimed in a most pathetic tone »Are you Are you indeed my uncle
My dear uncle My best friend My father Are you really living or is it
an illusion of my poor brain« Honest Matthew was so much affected that he
could not help shedding tears while he kissed her forehead saying »My dear
Liddy I hope I shall live long enough to shew how sensible I am of your
affection But your spirits are fluttered child You want rest Go to bed
and compose yourself « »Well I will she replied but still methinks this
cannot be real The coach was full of water My uncle was under us all
Gracious God You was under water How did you get out tell me that or I
shall think this is all a deception « »In what manner I was brought out I know
as little as you do my dear said the squire and truly that is a
circumstance of which I want to be informed« I would have given him a detail of
the whole adventure but he would not hear me until I should change my clothes
so that I had only time to tell him that he owed his life to the courage and
fidelity of Clinker and having given him this hint I conducted my sister to
her own chamber
This accident happened about three oclock in the afternoon and in little
more than an hour the hurricane was all over but as the carriage was found to
be so much damaged that it could not proceed without considerable repairs a
blacksmith and wheelwright were immediately sent for to the next markettown
and we congratulated ourselves upon being housed at an inn which though remote
from the postroad afforded exceeding good lodging The women being pretty well
composed and the men all afoot my uncle sent for his servant and in the
presence of Lismahago and me accosted him in these words »So Clinker I find
you are resolved I shant die by water As you have fished me up from the
bottom at your own risque you are at least entitled to all the money that was
in my pocket and there it is « So saying he presented him with a purse
containing thirty guineas and a ring nearly of the same value »God forbid
cried Clinker your honour shall excuse me I am a poor fellow but I have a
heart O if your honour did but know how I rejoice to see Blessed be his
holy name that made me the humble instrument But as for the lucre of gain I
renounce it I have done no more than my duty No more than I would have done
for the most worthless of my fellowcreatures No more than I would have done
for captain Lismahago or Archy Macalpine or any sinner upon earth But for
your worship I would go through fire as well as water « »I do believe it
Humphry said the squire but as you think it was your duty to save my life at
the hazard of your own I think it is mine to express the sense I have of your
extraordinary fidelity and attachment I insist upon your receiving this small
token of my gratitude but dont imagine that I look upon this as an adequate
recompence for the service you have done me I have determined to settle thirty
pounds ayear upon you for life and I desire these gentlemen will bear witness
to this my intention of which I have a memorandum in my pocketbook« »Lord
make me thankful for all these mercies cried Clinker sobbing I have been a
poor bankrupt from the beginning your honours goodness found me when I was
naked when I was sick and forlorn I understand your honours looks I
would not give offence but my heart is very full and if your worship wont
give me leave to speak I must vent it in prayers to heaven for my
benefactor« When he quitted the room Lismahago said he should have a much
better opinion of his honesty if he did not whine and cant so abominably but
that he had always observed those weeping and praying fellows were hypocrites at
bottom Mr Bramble made no reply to this sarcastic remark proceeding from the
lieutenants resentment of Clinkers having in pure simplicity of heart ranked
him with MAlpine and the sinners of the earth The landlord being called to
receive some orders about the beds told the squire that his house was very
much at his service but he was sure he should not have the honour to lodge him
and his company He gave us to understand that his master who lived hard by
would not suffer us to be at a public house when there was accommodation for us
at his own and that if he had not dined abroad in the neighbourhood he would
have undoubtedly come to offer his services at our first arrival He then
launched out in praise of that gentleman whom he had served as butler
representing him as a perfect miracle of goodness and generosity He said he was
a person of great learning and allowed to be the best farmer in the country
that he had a lady who was as much beloved as himself and an only son a very
hopeful young gentleman just recovered from a dangerous fever which had like
to have proved fatal to the whole family for if the son had died he was sure
the parents would not have survived their loss He had not yet finished the
encomium of Mr Dennison when this gentleman arrived in a postchaise and his
appearance seemed to justify all that had been said in his favour He is pretty
well advanced in years but hale robust and florid with an ingenuous
countenance expressive of good sense and humanity Having condoled with us on
the accident which had happened he said he was come to conduct us to his
habitation where we should be less incommoded than at such a paultry inn and
expressed his hope that the ladies would not be the worse for going thither in
his carriage as the distance was not above a quarter of a mile My uncle having
made a proper return to this courteous exhibition eyed him attentively and then
asked if he had not been at Oxford a commoner of Queens college When Mr
Dennison answered »Yes« with some marks of surprize »Look at me then said
our squire and let us see if you can recollect the features of an old friend
whom you have not seen these forty years« The gentleman taking him by the
hand and gazing at him earnestly »I protest cried he I do think I recall
the idea of Matthew Loyd of Glamorganshire who was student of Jesus« »Well
remembered my dear friend Charles Dennison exclaimed my uncle pressing him
to his breast I am that very identical Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan« Clinker
who had just entered the room with some coals for the fire no sooner heard
these words than throwing down the scuttle on the toes of Lismahago he began
to caper as if he was mad crying »Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan O Providence
Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan« Then clasping my uncles knees he went on in
this manner »Your worship must forgive me Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan O
Lord Sir I cant contain myself I shall lose my senses « »Nay thou hast
lost them already I believe said the squire peevishly prithee Clinker be
quiet What is the matter« Humphry fumbling in his bosom pulled out an old
wooden snuffbox which he presented in great trepidation to his master who
opening it immediately perceived a small cornelian seal and two scraps of
paper At sight of these articles he started and changed colour and casting
his eye upon the inscriptions »Ha how what where cried he is the
person here named« Clinker knocking his own breast could hardly pronounce
these words »Here here here is Matthew Loyd as the certificate sheweth
Humphry Clinker was the name of the farrier that took me prentice« »And who
gave you these tokens« said my uncle hastily »My poor mother on her
deathbed« replied the other »And who was your mother« »Dorothy Twyford an
please your honour heretofore barkeeper at the Angel at Chippenham« »And why
were not these tokens produced before« »My mother told me she had wrote to
Glamorganshire at the time of my birth but had no answer and that afterwards
when she made enquiry there was no such person in that county« »And so in
consequence of my changing my name and going abroad at that very time thy poor
mother and thou have been left to want and misery I am really shocked at the
consequence of my own folly« Then laying his hand on Clinkers head he
added »Stand forth Matthew Loyd You see gentlemen how the sins of my youth
rise up in judgment against me Here is my direction written with my own hand
and a seal which I left at the womans request and this is a certificate of the
childs baptism signed by the curate of the parish« The company were not a
little surprised at this discovery upon which Mr Dennison facetiously
congratulated both the father and the son for my part I shook my newfound
cousin heartily by the hand and Lismahago complimented him with the tears in
his eyes for he had been hopping about the room swearing in broad Scotch and
bellowing with the pain occasioned by the fall of the coalscuttle upon his
foot He had even vowed to drive the saul out of the body of that mad rascal
but perceiving the unexpected turn which things had taken he wished him joy of
his good fortune observing that it went very near his heart as he was like to
be a great toe out of pocket by the discovery Mr Dennison now desired to know
for what reason my uncle had changed the name by which he knew him at Oxford
and our squire satisfied him by answering to this effect »I took my
mothers name which was Loyd as heir to her lands in Glamorganshire but when
I came of age I sold that property in order to clear my paternal estate and
resumed my real name so that I am now Matthew Bramble of Brambletonhall in
Monmouthshire at your service and this is my nephew Jeremy Melford of
Belfield in the county of Glamorgan« At that instant the ladies entering the
room he presented Mrs Tabitha as his sister and Liddy as his niece The old
gentleman saluted them very cordially and seemed struck with the appearance of
my sister whom he could not help surveying with a mixture of complacency and
surprize »Sister said my uncle there is a poor relation that recommends
himself to your good graces The quondam Humphry Clinker is metamorphosed into
Matthew Loyd and claims the honour of being your carnal kinsman in short the
rogue proves to be a crab of my own planting in the days of hot blood and
unrestrained libertinism« Clinker had by this time dropt upon one knee by the
side of Mrs Tabitha who eyeing him askance and flirting her fan with marks
of agitation thought proper after some conflict to hold out her hand for him
to kiss saying with a demure aspect »Brother you have been very wicked but
I hope youll live to see the folly of your ways I am very sorry to say the
young man whom you have this day acknowledged has more grace and religion by
the gift of God than you with all your profane learning and repeated
opportunity I do think he has got the trick of the eye and the tip of the
nose of my uncle Loyd of Flluydwellyn and as for the long chin it is the very
moral of the governors Brother as you have changed his name pray change his
dress also that livery doth not become any person that hath got our blood in
his veins« Liddy seemed much pleased with this acquisition to the family
She took him by the hand declaring she should always be proud to own her
connexion with a virtuous young man who had given so many proofs of his
gratitude and affection to her uncle Mrs Winifred Jenkins extremely
fluttered between her surprize at this discovery and the apprehension of losing
her sweetheart exclaimed in a giggling tone »I wish you joy Mr Clinker
Floyd I would say hi hi hi youll be so proud you wont look at your
poor fellow servants oh oh oh« Honest Clinker owned he was overjoyed at his
good fortune which was greater than he deserved »But wherefore should I be
proud said he a poor object conceived in sin and brought forth in iniquity
nursed in a parish workhouse and bred in a smithy Whenever I seem proud
Mrs Jenkins I beg of you to put me in mind of the condition I was in when I
first saw you between Chippenham and Marlborough«
When this momentous affair was discussed to the satisfaction of all parties
concerned the weather being dry the ladies declined the carriage so that we
walked all together to Mr Dennisons house where we found the tea ready
prepared by his lady an amiable matron who received us with all the
benevolence of hospitality The house is old fashioned and irregular but
lodgeable and commodious To the south it has the river in front at the
distance of a hundred paces and on the north there is a risingground covered
with an agreeable plantation the greens and walks are kept in the nicest order
and all is rural and romantic I have not yet seen the young gentleman who is
on a visit to a friend in the neighbourhood from whose house he is not expected
till tomorrow
In the mean time as there is a man going to the next markettown with
letters for the post I take this opportunity to send you the history of this
day which has been remarkably full of adventures and you will own I give you
them like a beefsteak at Dollys hot and hot without ceremony and parade
just as they come from the recollection of
Yours
J MELFORD
To Dr Lewis
Dear Dick
Since the last trouble I gave you I have met with a variety of incidents
some of them of a singular nature which I reserve as a fund for conversation
but there are others so interesting that they will not keep in petto till
meeting
Know then it was a thousand pounds to a sixpence that you should now be
executing my will instead of perusing my letter Two days ago our coach was
overturned in the midst of a rapid river where my life was saved with the
utmost difficulty by the courage activity and presence of mind of my servant
Humphry Clinker But this is not the most surprising circumstance of the
adventure The said Humphry Clinker proves to be Matthew Loyd natural son of
one Matthew Loyd of Glamorgan if you know any such person You see Doctor
that notwithstanding all your philosophy it is not without some reason that we
Welchmen ascribe such energy to the force of blood But we shall discuss this
point on some future occasion
This is not the only discovery which I made in consequence of our disaster
We happened to be wrecked upon a friendly shore The lord of the manor is no
other than Charles Dennison our fellowrake at Oxford We are now happily
housed with that gentleman who has really attained to that pitch of rural
felicity at which I have been aspiring these twenty years in vain He is
blessed with a consort whose disposition is suited to his own in all respects
tender generous and benevolent She moreover possesses an uncommon share of
understanding fortitude and discretion and is admirably qualified to be his
companion confidant counsellor and coadjutrix These excellent persons have
an only son about nineteen years of age just such a youth as they could have
wished that Heaven would bestow to fill up the measure of their enjoyment In a
word they know no other allay to their happiness but their apprehension and
anxiety about the life and concerns of this beloved object
Our old friend who had the misfortune to be a second brother was bred to
the law and even called to the bar but he did not find himself qualified to
shine in that province and had very little inclination for his profession He
disobliged his father by marrying for love without any consideration of
fortune so that he had little or nothing to depend upon for some years but his
practice which afforded him a bare subsistence and the prospect of an
increasing family began to give him disturbance and disquiet In the mean time
his father dying was succeeded by his elder brother a foxhunter and a sot
who neglected his affairs insulted and oppressed his servants and in a few
years had well nigh ruined the estate when he was happily carried off by a
fever the immediate consequence of a debauch Charles with the approbation of
his wife immediately determined to quit business and retire into the country
although this resolution was strenuously and zealously opposed by every
individual whom he consulted on the subject Those who had tried the
experiment assured him that he could not pretend to breathe in the country for
less than the double of what his estate produced that in order to be upon the
footing of a gentleman he would be obliged to keep horses hounds carriages
with a suitable number of servants and maintain an elegant table for the
entertainment of his neighbours that farming was a mystery known only to those
who had been bred up to it from the cradle the success of it depending not only
upon skill and industry but also upon such attention and oeconomy as no
gentleman could be supposed to give or practise accordingly every attempt made
by gentlemen miscarried and not a few had been ruined by their prosecution of
agriculture Nay they affirmed that he would find it cheaper to buy hay and
oats for his cattle and to go to market for poultry eggs kitchen herbs and
roots and every the most inconsiderable article of housekeeping than to have
those articles produced on his own ground
These objections did not deter Mr Dennison because they were chiefly
founded on the supposition that he would be obliged to lead a life of
extravagance and dissipation which he and his consort equally detested
despised and determined to avoid The objects he had in view were health of
body peace of mind and the private satisfaction of domestic quiet unallayed
by actual want and uninterrupted by the fears of indigence He was very
moderate in his estimate of the necessaries and even of the comforts of life
He required nothing but wholesome air pure water agreeable exercise plain
diet convenient lodging and decent apparel He reflected that if a peasant
without education or any great share of natural sagacity could maintain a
large family and even become opulent upon a farm for which he paid an annual
rent of two or three hundred pounds to the landlord surely he himself might
hope for some success from his industry having no rent to pay but on the
contrary three or four hundred pounds ayear to receive He considered that
the earth was an indulgent mother that yielded her fruits to all her children
without distinction He had studied the theory of agriculture with a degree of
eagerness and delight and he could not conceive there was any mystery in the
practice but what he should be able to disclose by dint of care and
application With respect to household expence he entered into a minute detail
and investigation by which he perceived the assertions of his friends were
altogether erroneous He found he should save sixty pounds ayear in the single
article of houserent and as much more in pocketmoney and contingencies that
even butchersmeat was twenty per cent cheaper in the country than in London
but that poultry and almost every other circumstance of housekeeping might be
had for less than one half of what they cost in town besides a considerable
saving on the side of dress in being delivered from the oppressive imposition
of ridiculous modes invented by ignorance and adopted by folly
As to the danger of vying with the rich in pomp and equipage it never gave
him the least disturbance He was now turned of forty and having lived half
that time in the busy scenes of life was well skilled in the science of
mankind There cannot be in nature a more contemptible figure than that of a
man who with five hundred a year presumes to rival in expence a neighbour who
possesses five times that income His ostentation far from concealing serves
only to discover his indigence and render his vanity the more shocking for it
attracts the eyes of censure and excites the spirit of inquiry There is not a
family in the county nor a servant in his own house nor a farmer in the
parish but what knows the utmost farthing that his lands produce and all these
behold him with scorn or compassion I am surprized that these reflections do
not occur to persons in this unhappy dilemma and produce a salutary effect but
the truth is of all the passions incident to human nature vanity is that which
most effectually perverts the faculties of the understanding nay it sometimes
becomes so incredibly depraved as to aspire at infamy and find pleasure in
bearing the stigmas of reproach
I have now given you a sketch of the character and situation of Mr
Dennison when he came down to take possession of this estate but as the
messenger who carries the letters to the next town is just setting off I shall
reserve what further I have to say on this subject till the next post when you
shall certainly hear from
Yours always
MATT BRAMBLE
Oct 8
To Dr Lewis
Once more dear doctor I resume the pen for your amusement It was on the
morning after our arrival that walking out with my friend Mr Dennison I
could not help breaking forth into the warmest expressions of applause at the
beauty of the scene which is really inchanting and I signified in particular
how much I was pleased with the disposition of some detached groves that
afforded at once shelter and ornament to his habitation
»When I took possession of these lands about two and twenty years ago
said he there was not a tree standing within a mile of the house except those
of an old neglected orchard which produced nothing but leaves and moss It
was in the gloomy month of November when I arrived and found the house in such
a condition that it might have been justly stiled the tower of desolation
The courtyard was covered with nettles and docks and the garden exhibited such
a rank plantation of weeds as I had never seen before the windowshutters
were falling in pieces the sashes broken and owls and jackdaws had taken
possession of the chimnies The prospect within was still more dreary All
was dark and damp and dirty beyond description the rain penetrated in
several parts of the roof in some apartments the very floors had given way
the hangings were parted from the walls and shaking in mouldy remnants the
glasses were dropping out of their frames the familypictures were covered
with dust and all the chairs and tables wormeaten and crazy There was not
a bed in the house that could be used except one oldfashioned machine with a
highgilt tester and fringed curtains of yellow mohair which had been for
aught I know two centuries in the family In short there was no furniture
but the utensils of the kitchen and the cellar afforded nothing but a few empty
butts and barrels that stunk so abominably that I would not suffer any body to
enter it until I had flashed a considerable quantity of gunpowder to qualify the
foul air within
An old cottager and his wife who were hired to lie in the house had left
it with precipitation alledging among other causes of retreat that they could
not sleep for frightful noises and that my poor brother certainly walked after
his death In a word the house appeared uninhabitable the barn stable and
outhouses were in ruins all the fences broken down and the fields lying
waste
The farmer who kept the key never dreamed I had any intention to live upon
the spot He rented a farm of sixty pounds and his lease was just expiring
He had formed a scheme of being appointed bailiff to the estate and of
converting the house and the adjacent grounds to his own use A hint of his
intention I received from the curate at my first arrival I therefore did not
pay much regard to what he said by way of discouraging me from coming to settle
in the country but I was a little startled when he gave me warning that he
should quit the farm at the expiration of his lease unless I would abate
considerably in the rent
At this period I accidentally became acquainted with a person whose
friendship laid the foundation of all my prosperity In the next markettown I
chanced to dine at an inn with a Mr Wilson who was lately come to settle in
the neighbourhood He had been lieutenant of a man of war but quitted the sea
in some disgust and married the only daughter of farmer Bland who lives in
this parish and has acquired a good fortune in the way of husbandry Wilson
is one of the best natured men I ever knew brave frank obliging and
ingenuous He liked my conversation I was charmed with his liberal manner an
acquaintance immediately commenced and this was soon improved into a friendship
without reserve There are characters which like similar particles of matter
strongly attract each other He forthwith introduced me to his fatherinlaw
farmer Bland who was well acquainted with every acre of my estate of
consequence well qualified to advise me on this occasion Finding I was
inclined to embrace a country life and even to amuse myself with the
occupations of farming he approved of my design He gave me to understand that
all my farms were underlett that the estate was capable of great improvement
that there was plenty of chalk in the neighbourhood and that my own ground
produced excellent marle for manure With respect to the farm which was like
to fall into my hands he said he would willingly take it at the present rent
but at the same time owned that if I would expend two hundred pounds in
enclosure it would be worth more than double the sum
Thus encouraged I began the execution of my scheme without further delay
and plunged into a sea of expence though I had no fund in reserve and the
whole produce of the estate did not exceed three hundred pounds a year In one
week my house was made weathertight and thoroughly cleansed from top to
bottom then it was well ventilated by throwing all the doors and windows open
and making blazing fires of wood in every chimney from the kitchen to the
garrets The floors were repaired the sashes new glazed and out of the old
furniture of the whole house I made shift to fit up a parlour and three
chambers in a plain yet decent manner The courtyard was cleared of weeds and
rubbish and my friend Wilson charged himself with the dressing of the garden
bricklayers were set at work upon the barn and stable and labourers engaged to
restore the fences and begin the work of hedging and ditching under the
direction of farmer Bland at whose recommendation I hired a careful hind to lie
in the house and keep constant fires in the apartments
Having taken these measures I returned to London where I forthwith sold
off my householdfurniture and in three weeks from my first visit brought my
wife hither to keep her Christmas Considering the gloomy season of the year
the dreariness of the place and the decayed aspect of our habitation I was
afraid that her resolution would sink under the sudden transition from a
townlife to such a melancholy state of rustication but I was agreeably
disappointed She found the reality less uncomfortable than the picture I had
drawn By this time indeed things were mended in appearance The
outhouses had risen out of their ruins the pigeonhouse was rebuilt and
replenished by Wilson who also put my garden in decent order and provided a
good stock of poultry which made an agreeable figure in my yard and the house
on the whole looked like the habitation of human creatures Farmer Bland
spared me a milchcow for my family and an ordinary saddlehorse for my servant
to go to market at the next town I hired a country lad for a footman the
hinds daughter was my housemaid and my wife had brought a cookmaid from
London
Such was my family when I began housekeeping in this place with three
hundred pounds in my pocket raised from the sale of my superfluous furniture
I knew we should find occupation enough through the day to employ our time but
I dreaded the long winter evenings yet for these too we found a remedy The
curate who was a single man soon became so naturalized to the family that he
generally lay in the house and his company was equally agreeable and useful
He was a modest man a good scholar and perfectly well qualified to instruct me
in such country matters as I wanted to know Mr Wilson brought his wife to
see us and she became so fond of Mrs Dennison that she said she was never so
happy as when she enjoyed the benefit of her conversation She was then a fine
buxom country lass exceedingly docile and as goodnatured as her husband Jack
Wilson so that a friendship ensued among the women which hath continued to
this day
As for Jack he hath been my constant companion counsellor and commissary
I would not for a hundred pounds you should leave my house without seeing him
Jack is an universal genius his talents are really astonishing He is an
excellent carpenter joiner and turner and a cunning artist in iron and brass
He not only superintended my oeconomy but also presided over my pastimes
He taught me to brew beer to make cyder perry mead usquebaugh and
plaguewater to cook several outlandish delicacies such as ollas pepperpots
pillaws corys chabobs and stufatas He understands all manner of games
from chess down to chuckfarthing sings a good song plays upon the violin and
dances a hornpipe with surprising agility He and I walked and rode and
hunted and fished together without minding the vicissitudes of the weather
and I am persuaded that in a raw moist climate like this of England
continual exercise is as necessary as food to the preservation of the
individual In the course of two and twenty years there has not been one
hours interruption or abatement in the friendship subsisting between Wilsons
family and mine and what is a rare instance of good fortune that friendship
is continued to our children His son and mine are nearly of the same age and
the same disposition they have been bred up together at the same school and
college and love each other with the warmest affection
By Wilsons means I likewise formed an acquaintance with a sensible
physician who lives in the next markettown and his sister an agreeable old
maiden passed the Christmas holidays at our house Meanwhile I began my
farming with great eagerness and that very winter planted these groves that
please you so much As for the neighbouring gentry I had no trouble from that
quarter during my first campaign they were all gone to town before I settled in
the country and by the summer I had taken measures to defend myself from their
attacks When a gay equipage came to my gates I was never at home those who
visited me in a modest way I received and according to the remarks I made on
their characters and conversation either rejected their advances or returned
their civility I was in general despised among the fashionable company as a
low fellow both in breeding and circumstances nevertheless I found a few
individuals of moderate fortune who gladly adopted my stile of living and many
others would have acceded to our society had they not been prevented by the
pride envy and ambition of their wives and daughters Those in times of
luxury and dissipation are the rocks upon which all the small estates in the
country are wrecked
I reserved in my own hands some acres of ground adjacent to the house for
making experiments in agriculture according to the directions of Lyle Tull
Hart Duhamel and others who have written on this subject and qualified their
theory with the practical observations of farmer Bland who was my great master
in the art of husbandry In short I became enamoured of a country life and
my success greatly exceeded my expectation I drained bogs burned heath
grubbed up furze and fern I planted copse and willows where nothing else would
grow I gradually inclosed all my farms and made such improvements that my
estate now yields me clear twelve hundred pounds a year All this time my wife
and I have enjoyed uninterrupted health and a regular flow of spirits except
on a very few occasions when our chearfulness was invaded by such accidents as
are inseparable from the condition of life I lost two children in their
infancy by the smallpox so that I have one son only in whom all our hopes
are centred He went yesterday to visit a friend with whom he has stayed all
night but he will be here to dinner I shall this day have the pleasure of
presenting him to you and your family and I flatter myself you will find him
not altogether unworthy of our affection
The truth is either I am blinded by the partiality of a parent or he is a
boy of a very amiable character and yet his conduct has given us unspeakable
disquiet You must know we had projected a match between him and a
gentlemans daughter in the next county who will in all probability be heiress
of a considerable fortune but it seems he had a personal disgust to the
alliance He was then at Cambridge and tried to gain time on various
pretences but being pressed in letters by his mother and me to give a
definitive answer he fairly gave his tutor the slip and disappeared about
eight months ago Before he took this rash step he wrote me a letter
explaining his objections to the match and declaring that he would keep
himself concealed until he should understand that his parents would dispense
with his contracting an engagement that must make him miserable for life and he
prescribed the form of advertising in a certain newspaper by which he might be
apprized of our sentiments on this subject
You may easily conceive how much we were alarmed and afflicted by this
elopement which he had made without dropping the least hint to his companion
Charles Wilson who belonged to the same college We resolved to punish him
with the appearance of neglect in hopes that he would return of his own accord
but he maintained his purpose till the young lady chose a partner for herself
then he produced himself and made his peace by the mediation of Wilson
Suppose we should unite our families by joining him with your niece who is one
of the most lovely creatures I ever beheld My wife is already as fond of her
as if she were her own child and I have a presentiment that my son will be
captivated by her at first sight« »Nothing could be more agreeable to all our
family said I than such an alliance but my dear friend candour obliges me
to tell you that I am afraid Liddys heart is not wholly disengaged there is
a cursed obstacle « »You mean the young stroller at Gloucester said he You
are surprised that I should know this circumstance but you will be more
surprised when I tell you that stroller is no other than my son George Dennison
That was the character he assumed in his eclipse« »I am indeed astonished
and overjoyed cried I and shall be happy beyond expression to see your
proposal take effect«
He then gave me to understand that the young gentleman at his emerging from
concealment had disclosed his passion for Miss Melford the niece of Mr
Bramble of Monmouthshire Though Mr Dennison little dreamed that this was his
old friend Matthew Loyd he nevertheless furnished his son with proper
credentials and he had been at Bath London and many other places in quest of
us to make himself and his pretentions known The bad success of his enquiry
had such an effect upon his spirits that immediately at his return he was
seized with a dangerous fever which overwhelmed his parents with terror and
affliction but he was now happily recovered though still weak and
disconsolate My nephew joining us in our walk I informed him of these
circumstances with which he was wonderfully pleased He declared he would
promote the match to the utmost of his power and that he longed to embrace
young Mr Dennison as his friend and brother Mean while the father went to
desire his wife to communicate this discovery gradually to Liddy that her
delicate nerves might not suffer too sudden a shock and I imparted the
particulars to my sister Tabby who expressed some surprize not altogether
unmixed I believe with an emotion of envy for though she could have no
objection to an alliance at once so honourable and advantageous she hesitated
in giving her consent on pretence of the youth and inexperience of the parties
at length however she acquiesced in consequence of having consulted with
captain Lismahago
Mr Dennison took care to be in the way when his son arrived at the gate
and without giving him time or opportunity to make any enquiry about the
strangers brought him upstairs to be presented to Mr Loyd and his family The
first person he saw when he entered the room was Liddy who notwithstanding
all her preparation stood trembling in the utmost confusion At sight of this
object he was fixed motionless to the floor and gazing at her with the utmost
eagerness of astonishment exclaimed »Sacred heaven what is this ha
wherefore « Here his speech failing he stood straining his eyes in the most
emphatic silence »George said his father this is my friend Mr Loyd« Roused
at this intimation he turned and received my salute when I said »Young
gentleman if you had trusted me with your secret at our last meeting we should
have parted upon better terms« Before he could make any answer Jery came round
and stood before him with open arms At first he started and changed colour
but after a short pause he rushed into his embrace and they hugged one another
as if they had been intimate friends from their infancy then he payed his
respects to Mrs Tabitha and advancing to Liddy »Is it possible cried he
that my senses do not play me false that I see Miss Melford under my fathers
roof that I am permitted to speak to her without giving offence and that her
relations have honoured me with their countenance and protection« Liddy
blushed and trembled and faultered »To be sure sir said she it is a very
surprising circumstance a great a providential I really know not what I
say but I beg you will think I have said whats agreeable«
Mrs Dennison interposing said »Compose yourselves my dear children
Your mutual happiness shall be our peculiar care« The son going up to his
mother kissed one hand my niece bathed the other with her tears and the good
old lady pressed them both in their turns to her breast The lovers were too
much affected to get rid of their embarrassment for one day but the scene was
much enlivened by the arrival of Jack Wilson who brought as usual some game
of his own killing His honest countenance was a good letter of recommendation
I received him like a dear friend after a long separation and I could not
help wondering to see him shake Jery by the hand as an old acquaintance They
had indeed been acquainted some days in consequence of a diverting incident
which I shall explain at meeting That same night a consultation was held upon
the concerns of the lovers when the match was formally agreed to and all the
marriagearticles were settled without the least dispute My nephew and I
promised to make Liddys fortune five thousand pounds Mr Dennison declared he
would make over one half of his estate immediately to his son and that his
daughterinlaw should be secured in a jointure of four hundred Tabby
proposed that considering their youth they should undergo one year at least
of probation before the indissoluble knot should be tied but the young
gentleman being very impatient and importunate and the scheme implying that the
young couple should live in the house under the wings of his parents we
resolved to make them happy without further delay
As the law requires that the parties should be some weeks resident in the
parish we shall stay here till the ceremony is performed Mr Lismahago
requests that he may take the benefit of the same occasion so that next Sunday
the banns will be published for all four together I doubt I shall not be
able to pass my Christmas with you at Brambletonhall Indeed I am so
agreeably situated in this place that I have no desire to shift my quarters
and I foresee that when the day of separation comes there will be abundance of
sorrow on all sides In the mean time we must make the most of those
blessings which heaven bestows Considering how you are tethered by your
profession I cannot hope to see you so far from home yet the distance does not
exceed a summerdays journey and Charles Dennison who desires to be
remembered to you would be rejoiced to see his old compotator but as I am now
stationary I expect regular answers to the epistles of
Yours invariably
MATT BRAMBLE
Oct 11
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Wat
Every day is now big with incident and discovery Young Mr Dennison proves
to be no other than that identical person whom I have execrated so long under
the name of Wilson He had eloped from college at Cambridge to avoid a match
that he detested and acted in different parts of the country as a stroller
until the lady in question made choice of a husband for herself then he
returned to his father and disclosed his passion for Liddy which met with the
approbation of his parents though the father little imagined that Mr Bramble
was his old companion Matthew Loyd The young gentleman being impowered to make
honourable proposals to my uncle and me had been in search of us all over
England without effect and he it was whom I had seen pass on horseback by the
window of the inn where I stood with my sister but he little dreamed that we
were in the house As for the real Mr Wilson whom I called forth to combat
by mistake he is the neighbour and intimate friend of old Mr Dennison and
this connexion had suggested to the son the idea of taking that name while he
remained in obscurity
You may easily conceive what pleasure I must have felt on discovering that
the honour of our family was in no danger from the conduct of a sister whom I
love with uncommon affection that instead of debasing her sentiments and views
to a wretched stroller she had really captivated the heart of a gentleman her
equal in rank and superior in fortune and that as his parents approved of his
attachment I was on the eve of acquiring a brotherinlaw so worthy of my
friendship and esteem George Dennison is without all question one of the most
accomplished young fellows in England His person is at once elegant and manly
and his understanding highly cultivated Tho his spirit is lofty his heart is
kind and his manner so engaging as to command veneration and love even from
malice and indifference When I weigh my own character with his I am ashamed to
find myself so light in the balance but the comparison excites no envy I
propose him as a model for imitation I have endeavoured to recommend myself to
his friendship and hope I have already found a place in his affection I am
however mortified to reflect what flagrant injustice we every day commit and
what absurd judgment we form in viewing objects through the falsifying medium
of prejudice and passion Had you asked me a few days ago the picture of Wilson
the player I should have drawn a portrait very unlike the real person and
character of George Dennison Without all doubt the greatest advantage
acquired in travelling and perusing mankind in the original is that of
dispelling those shameful clouds that darken the faculties of the mind
preventing it from judging with candour and precision
The real Wilson is a great original and the best tempered companionable
man I ever knew I question if ever he was angry or lowspirited in his life
He makes no pretensions to letters but he is an adept in every thing else that
can be either useful or entertaining Among other qualifications he is a
complete sportsman and counted the best shot in the county He and Dennison
and Lismahago and I attended by Clinker went ashooting yesterday and made
great havock among the partridges Tomorrow we shall take the field against
the woodcocks and snipes In the evening we dance and sing or play at
commerce loo and quadrille
Mr Dennison is an elegant poet and has written some detached pieces on the
subject of his passion for Liddy which must be very flattering to the vanity of
a young woman Perhaps he is one of the greatest theatrical geniuses that ever
appeared He sometimes entertains us with reciting favourite speeches from our
best plays We are resolved to convert the great hall into a theatre and get up
the Beaux Stratagem without delay I think I shall make no contemptible figure
in the character of Scrub and Lismahago will be very great in Captain Gibbet
Wilson undertakes to entertain the country people with Harlequin Skeleton for
which he has got a jacket ready painted with his own hand
Our society is really enchanting Even the severity of Lismahago relaxes
and the vinegar of Mrs Tabby is remarkably dulcified ever since it was agreed
that she should take precedency of her niece in being first noosed for you
must know the day is fixed for Liddys marriage and the banns for both couples
have been already once published in the parish church The Captain earnestly
begged that one trouble might serve for all and Tabitha assented with a vile
affectation of reluctance Her inamorato who came hither very slenderly equipt
has sent for his baggage to London which in all probability will not arrive
in time for the wedding but it is of no great consequence as every thing is to
be transacted with the utmost privacy Meanwhile directions are given for
making out the contracts of marriage which are very favourable for both
females Liddy will be secured in a good jointure and her aunt will remain
mistress of her own fortune except one half of the interest which her husband
shall have a right to enjoy for his natural life I think this is as little in
conscience as can be done for a man who yokes with such a partner for life
These expectants seem to be so happy that if Mr Dennison had an agreeable
daughter I believe I should be for making the third couple in this country
dance The humour seems to be infectious for Clinker alias Loyd has a months
mind to play the fool in the same fashion with Mrs Winifred Jenkins He has
even sounded me on the subject but I have given him no encouragement to
prosecute this scheme I told him I thought he might do better as there was no
engagement nor promise subsisting that I did not know what designs my uncle
might have formed for his advantage but I was of opinion that he should not
at present run the risque of disobliging him by any premature application of
this nature Honest Humphry protested he would suffer death sooner than do or
say any thing that should give offence to the squire but he owned he had a
kindness for the young woman and had reason to think she looked upon him with a
favourable eye that he considered this mutual manifestation of good will as an
engagement understood which ought to be binding to the conscience of an honest
man and he hoped the squire and I would be of the same opinion when we should
be at leisure to bestow any thought about the matter I believe he is in the
right and we shall find time to take his case into consideration You see we
are fixed for some weeks at least and as you have had a long respite I hope
you will begin immediately to discharge the arrears due to
Your affectionate
J MELFORD
Oct 14
To Miss Lætitia Willis at Gloucester
My dear dear Letty
Never did I sit down to write in such agitation as I now feel In the
course of a few days we have met with a number of incidents so wonderful and
interesting that all my ideas are thrown into confusion and perplexity You
must not expect either method or coherence in what I am going to relate my
dearest Willis Since my last the aspect of affairs is totally changed and
so changed but I would fain give you a regular detail In passing a river
about eight days ago our coach was overturned and some of us narrowly escaped
with life My uncle had well nigh perished O Heaven I cannot reflect upon
that circumstance without horror I should have lost my best friend my father
and protector but for the resolution and activity of his servant Humphry
Clinker whom Providence really seems to have placed near him for the necessity
of this occasion I would not be thought superstitious but surely he acted
from a stronger impulse than common fidelity Was it not the voice of nature
that loudly called upon him to save the life of his own father for O Letty it
was discovered that Humphry Clinker was my uncles natural son
Almost at the same instant a gentleman who came to offer us assistance
and invite us to his house turned out to be a very old friend of Mr Bramble
His name is Mr Dennison one of the worthiest men living and his lady is a
perfect saint upon earth They have an only son who do you think is this only
son O Letty O gracious heaven how my heart palpitates when I tell you
that this only son of Mr Dennison is that very identical youth who under the
name of Wilson has made such ravage in my heart Yes my dear friend Wilson
and I are now lodged in the same house and converse together freely His
father approves of his sentiments in my favour his mother loves me with all the
tenderness of a parent my uncle my aunt and my brother no longer oppose my
inclinations On the contrary they have agreed to make us happy without delay
and in three weeks or a month if no unforeseen accident intervenes your friend
Lydia Melford will have changed her name and condition I say if no accident
intervenes because such a torrent of success makes me tremble I wish there
may not be something treacherous in this sudden reconciliation of fortune I
have no merit I have no title to such felicity Far from enjoying the prospect
that lies before me my mind is harrassed with a continued tumult made up of
hopes and wishes doubts and apprehensions I can neither eat nor sleep and my
spirits are in perpetual flutter I more than ever feel that vacancy in my
heart which your presence alone can fill The mind in every disquiet seeks
to repose itself on the bosom of a friend and this is such a trial as I really
know not how to support without your company and counsel I must therefore
dear Letty put your friendship to the test I must beg you will come and do
the last offices of maidenhood to your companion Lydia Melford
This letter goes inclosed in one to our worthy governess from Mrs
Dennison entreating her to interpose with your mamma that you may be allowed
to favour us with your company on this occasion and I flatter myself that no
material objection can be made to our request The distance from hence to
Gloucester does not exceed one hundred miles and the roads are good Mr
Clinker alias Loyd shall be sent over to attend your motions If you step
into the postchaise with your maid Betty Barker at seven in the morning you
will arrive by four in the afternoon at the halfway house where there is good
accommodation There you shall be met by my brother and myself who will next
day conduct you to this place where I am sure you will find yourself
perfectly at your ease in the midst of an agreeable society Dear Letty I
will take no refusal if you have any friendship any humanity you will
come I desire that immediate application may be made to your mamma and that
the moment her permission is obtained you will apprise
Your ever faithful
LYDIA MELFORD
Oct 14
To Mrs Jermyn at her house in Gloucester
Dear Madam
Though I was not so fortunate as to be favoured with an answer to the letter
with which I troubled you in the spring I still flatter myself that you retain
some regard for me and my concerns I am sure the care and tenderness with which
I was treated under your roof and tuition demand the warmest returns of
gratitude and affection on my part and these sentiments I hope I shall
cherish to my dying day At present I think it my duty to make you acquainted
with the happy issue of that indiscretion by which I incurred your displeasure
Ah madam the slighted Wilson is metamorphosed into George Dennison only son
and heir of a gentleman whose character is second to none in England as you
may understand upon inquiry My guardians my brother and I are now in his
house and an immediate union of the two families is to take place in the
persons of the young gentleman and your poor Lydia Melford You will easily
conceive how embarrassing this situation must be to a young inexperienced
creature like me of weak nerves and strong apprehensions and how much the
presence of a friend and confidant would encourage and support me on this
occasion You know that of all the young ladies Miss Willis was she that
possessed the greatest share of my confidence and affection and therefore I
fervently wish to have the happiness of her company at this interesting crisis
Mrs Dennison who is the object of universal love and esteem has at my
request written to you on this subject and I now beg leave to reinforce her
solicitation My dear Mrs Jermyn my ever honoured governess let me conjure
you by that fondness which once distinguished your favourite Liddy by that
benevolence of heart which disposes you to promote the happiness of your
fellowcreatures in general lend a favourable ear to my petition and use your
influence with Lettys mamma that my most earnest desire may be gratified
Should I be indulged in this particular I will engage to return her safe and
even to accompany her to Gloucester where if you will give me leave I will
present to you under another name
Dear madam
Your most affectionate
humble servant
and penitent
LYDIA MELFORD
Oct 14
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
O Mary Jones Mary Jones
I have met with so many axidents suprisals and terrifications that I am
in a parfeck fantigo and believe I shall never be my own self again Last week
I was dragged out of a river like a drowned rat and lost a brannew nightcap
with a sulfur stayhook that cost me a good halfacrown and an odd shoe of
green gallow monkey besides wetting my cloaths and taring my smuck and an ugly
gash made in the back part of my thy by the stump of a tree To be sure Mr
Clinker tuck me out of the cox but he left me on my back in the water to go to
the squire and I mought have had a watry grave if a millar had not brought me
to the dry land But O what choppings and changes girl The player man that
came after miss Liddy and frightened me with a beard at Bristol Well is now
matthewmurphyd into a fine young gentleman son and hare of squire Dollison
We are all together in the same house and all parties have agreed to the match
and in a fortnite the surrymony will be preformed
But this is not the only wedding we are to have Mistriss is resolved to
have the same frolick in the naam of God Last Sunday in the parishcrutch if
my own ars may be trusted the clerk called the banes of marridge betwixt
Opaniah Lashmeheygo and Tapitha Brample spinster he mought as well have
called her inkleweaver for she never spun and hank of yarn in her life Young
squire Dollison and miss Liddy made the second kipple and there might have
been a turd but times are changed with Mr Clinker O Molly what dost
think Mr Clinker is found to be a pyeblow of our own squire and his rite
naam is Mr Mattew Loyd thof God he nose how that can be and he is now out of
livery and wares ruffles but I new him when he was out at elbows and had not
a rag to kiver his pistereroes so he need not hold his head so high He is for
sartain very umble and compleasant and purtests as how he has the same regard
as before but that he is no longer his own master and cannot portend to marry
without the squires consent He says we must wait with patience and trust to
Providence and such nonsense But if so be as how his regard be the same why
stand shilly shally Why not strike while the iron is hot and speak to the
squire without loss of time What subjection can the squire make to our
coming together Thof my father want a gentleman my mother was an honest
woman I didnt come on the wrong side of the blanket girl My parents were
marred according to the rights of holy mother crutch in the face of men and
angles Mark that Mary Jones
Mr Clinker Loyd I would say had best look to his tackle There be other
chaps in the market as the saying is What would he say if I should except the
soot and sarvice of the young squires valley Mr Machappy is a gentleman
born and has been abroad in the wars He has a world of buck larning and
speaks French and Ditch and Scotch and all manner of outlandish lingos to be
sure hes a little the worse for the ware and is much given to drink but than
hes goodtempered in his liquor and a prudent woman mought wind him about her
finger But I have no thoughts of him Ill assure you I scorn for to do or
to say or to think any thing that mought give unbreech to Mr Loyd without
furder occasion But then I have such vapours Molly I sit and cry by myself
and take ass of etida and smill to burnt fathers and kindalsnuffs and I pray
constantly for grease that I may have a glimpse of the newlight to shew me
the way through this wretched veil of tares And yet I want for nothing in
this family of love where every sole is so kind and so courteous that wan
would think they are so many saints in haven Dear Molly I recommend myself to
your prayers being with my sarvice to Saul
your ever loving
and discounselled friend
WIN JENKINS
Oct 14
To Dr Lewis
Dear Dick
You cannot imagine what pleasure I have in seeing your handwriting after
such a long cessation on your side of our correspondence Yet Heaven knows I
have often seen your handwriting with disgust I mean when it appeared in
abbreviations of apothecarys Latin I like your hint of making interest for
the reversion of the collectors place for Mr Lismahago who is much pleased
with the scheme and presents you with his compliments and best thanks for
thinking so kind of his concerns The man seems to mend upon further
acquaintance That harsh reserve which formed a disagreeable husk about his
character begins to peel off in the course of our communication I have great
hopes that he and Tabby will be as happily paired as any two draught animals in
the kingdom and I make no doubt but that he will prove a valuable acquisition
to our little society in the article of conversation by the fireside in
winter
Your objection to my passing this season of the year at such a distance from
home would have more weight if I did not find myself perfectly at my ease where
I am and my health so much improved that I am disposed to bid defiance to gout
and rheumatism I begin to think I have put myself on the superannuated list
too soon and absurdly sought for health in the retreats of laziness I am
persuaded that all valetudinarians are too sedentary too regular and too
cautious We should sometimes increase the motion of the machine to unclog the
wheels of life and now and then take a plunge amidst the waves of excess in
order to caseharden the constitution I have even found a change of company as
necessary as a change of air to promote a vigorous circulation of the spirits
which is the very essence and criterion of good health
Since my last I have been performing the duties of friendship that
required a great deal of exercise from which I hope to derive some benefit
Understanding by the greatest accident in the world that Mr Baynards wife
was dangerously ill of a pleuritic fever I borrowed Dennisons postchaise and
went across the country to his habitation attended only by Loyd quondam
Clinker on horseback As the distance is not above thirty miles I arrived
about four in the afternoon and meeting the physician at the door was informed
that his patient had just expired I was instantly seized with a violent
emotion but it was not grief The family being in confusion I ran up stairs
into the chamber where indeed they were all assembled The aunt stood
wringing her hands in a kind of stupefaction of sorrow but my friend acted all
the extravagancies of affliction He held the body in his arms and poured
forth such a lamentation that one would have thought he had lost the most
amiable consort and valuable companion upon earth
Affection may certainly exist independent of esteem nay the same object
may be lovely in one respect and detestable in another The mind has a
surprising faculty of accommodating and even attaching itself in such a
manner by dint of use to things that are in their own nature disagreeable and
even pernicious that it cannot bear to be delivered from them without
reluctance and regret Baynard was so absorbed in his delirium that he did not
perceive me when I entered and desired one of the women to conduct the aunt
into her own chamber At the same time I begged the tutor to withdraw the boy
who stood gaping in a corner very little affected with the distress of the
scene These steps being taken I waited till the first violence of my
friends transport was abated then disengaged him gently from the melancholy
object and led him by the hand into another apartment though he struggled so
hard that I was obliged to have recourse to the assistance of his valet de
chambre In a few minutes however he recollected himself and folding me in
his arms »This cried he is a friendly office indeed I know not how you
came hither but I think Heaven sent you to prevent my going distracted O
Matthew I have lost my dear Harriet my poor gentle tender creature that
loved me with such warmth and purity of affection my constant companion of
twenty years Shes gone shes gone for ever Heaven and earth where is
she Death shall not part us«
So saying he started up and could hardly be withheld from returning to the
scene we had quitted You will perceive it would have been very absurd for me
to argue with a man that talked so madly On all such occasions the first
torrent of passion must be allowed to subside gradually I endeavoured to
beguile his attention by starting little hints and insinuating other objects of
discourse imperceptibly and being exceedingly pleased in my own mind at this
event I exerted myself with such an extraordinary flow of spirits as was
attended with success In a few hours he was calm enough to hear reason and
even to own that Heaven could not have interposed more effectually to rescue him
from disgrace and ruin That he might not however relapse into weaknesses
for want of company I passed the night in his chamber in a little tent bed
brought thither on purpose and well it was I took this precaution for he
started up in bed several times and would have played the fool if I had not
been present
Next day he was in a condition to talk of business and vested me with full
authority over his household which I began to exercise without loss of time
tho not before he knew and approved of the scheme I had projected for his
advantage He would have quitted the house immediately but this retreat I
opposed Far from encouraging a temporary disgust which might degenerate into
an habitual aversion I resolved if possible to attach him more than ever to
his Household Gods I gave directions for the funeral to be as private as was
consistent with decency I wrote to London that an inventory and estimate might
be made of the furniture and effects in his townhouse and gave notice to the
landlord that Mr Baynard should quit the premises at Ladyday I set a person
at work to take account of every thing in the countryhouse including horses
carriages and harness I settled the young gentleman at a boardingschool kept
by a clergyman in the neighbourhood and thither he went without reluctance as
soon as he knew that he was to be troubled no more with his tutor whom we
dismissed The aunt continued very sullen and never appeared at table though
Mr Baynard paid his respects to her every day in her own chamber there also
she held conferences with the waitingwomen and other servants of the family
but the moment her niece was interred she went away in a postchaise prepared
for that purpose she did not leave the house however without giving Mr
Baynard to understand that the wardrobe of her niece was the perquisite of her
woman accordingly that worthless drab received all the clothes laces and
linen of her deceased mistress to the value of five hundred pounds at a
moderate computation
The next step I took was to disband that legion of supernumerary domestics
who had preyed so long upon the vitals of my friend a parcel of idle drones so
intolerably insolent that they even treated their own master with the most
contemptuous neglect They had been generally hired by his wife according to
the recommendation of her woman and these were the only patrons to whom they
paid the least deference I had therefore uncommon satisfaction in clearing the
house of those vermin The woman of the deceased and a chambermaid a valet de
chambre a butler a French cook a master gardener two footmen and a
coachman I paid off and turned out of the house immediately paying to each a
months wages in lieu of warning Those whom I retained consisted of a female
cook who had been assistant to the Frenchman a house maid an old lacquey a
postilion and undergardener Thus I removed at once a huge mountain of expence
and care from the shoulders of my friend who could hardly believe the evidence
of his own senses when he found himself so suddenly and so effectually
relieved His heart however was still subject to vibrations of tenderness
which returned at certain intervals extorting sighs and tears and
exclamations of grief and impatience but these fits grew every day less violent
and less frequent till at length his reason obtained a complete victory over
the infirmities of his nature
Upon an accurate inquiry into the state of his affairs I find his debts
amount to twenty thousand pounds for eighteen thousand pounds of which sum his
estate is mortgaged and as he pays five per cent interest and some of his
farms are unoccupied he does not receive above two hundred pounds a year clear
from his lands over and above the interest of his wifes fortune which
produced eight hundred pounds annually For lightening this heavy burthen I
devised the following expedient His wifes jewels together with his
superfluous plate and furniture in both houses his horses and carriages which
are already advertised to be sold by auction will according to the estimate
produce two thousand five hundred pounds in ready money with which the debt
will be immediately reduced to eighteen thousand pounds I have undertaken to
find him ten thousand pounds at four per cent by which means he will save one
hundred a in the article of interest and perhaps we shall be able to borrow
the other eight thousand on the same terms According to his own scheme of a
country life he says he can live comfortably for three hundred pounds a year
but as he has a son to educate we will allow him five hundred then there will
be an accumulating fund of seven hundred ayear principal and interest to pay
off the incumbrance and I think we may modestly add three hundred on the
presumption of newleasing and improving the vacant farms so that in a couple
of years I suppose there will be above a thousand ayear appropriated to
liquidate a debt of sixteen thousand
We forthwith began to class and set apart the articles designed for sale
under the direction of an upholder from London and that nobody in the house
might be idle commenced our reformation without doors as well as within With
Baynards good leave I ordered the gardener to turn the rivulet into its old
channel to refresh the fainting Naiads who had so long languished among
mouldring roots withered leaves and dry pebbles The shrubbery is condemned
to extirpation and the pleasureground will be restored to its original use of
cornfield and pasture Orders are given for rebuilding the walls of the
garden at the back of the house and for planting clumps of firs intermingled
with beech and chesnut at the east end which is now quite exposed to the surly
blasts that come from that quarter All these works being actually begun and
the house and auction left to the care and management of a reputable attorney I
brought Baynard along with me in the chaise and made him acquainted with
Dennison whose goodness of heart would not fail to engage his esteem and
affection He is indeed charmed with our society in general and declares that
he never saw the theory of true pleasure reduced to practice before I really
believe it would not be an easy task to find such a number of individuals
assembled under one roof more happy than we are at present
I must tell you however in confidence I suspect Tabby of tergiversation
I have been so long accustomed to that original that I know all the caprices
of her heart and can often perceive her designs while they are yet in embrio
She attached herself to Lismahago for no other reason but that she despaired of
making a more agreeable conquest At present if I am not much mistaken in my
observation she would gladly convert the widowhood of Baynard to her own
advantage Since he arrived she has behaved very coldly to the captain and
strove to fasten on the others heart with the hooks of overstrained civility
These must be the instinctive efforts of her constitution rather than the
effects of any deliberate design for matters are carried to such a length with
the lieutenant that she could not retract with any regard to conscience or
reputation Besides she will meet with nothing but indifference or aversion on
the side of Baynard who has too much sense to think of such a partner at any
time and too much delicacy to admit a thought of any such connexion at the
present juncture Meanwhile I have prevailed upon her to let him have four
thousand pounds at four per cent towards paying off his mortgage Young
Dennison has agreed that Liddys fortune shall be appropriated to the same
purpose on the same terms His father will sell out three thousand pounds
stock for his accommodation Farmer Bland has at the desire of Wilson
undertaken for two thousand and I must make an effort to advance what further
will be required to take my friend out of the hands of the Philistines He is so
pleased with the improvements made on this estate which is all cultivated like
a garden that he has entered himself as a pupil in farming to Mr Dennison and
resolved to attach himself wholly to the practice of husbandry
Every thing is now prepared for our double wedding The marriagearticles
for both couples are drawn and executed and the ceremony only waits until the
parties shall have been resident in the parish the term prescribed by law Young
Dennison betrays some symptoms of impatience but Lismahago bears this
necessary delay with the temper of a philosopher You must know the captain
does not stand altogether on the foundation of personal merit Besides his
halfpay amounting to two and forty pounds a year this indefatigable
oeconomist has amassed eight hundred pounds which he has secured in the funds
This sum arises partly from his pays running up while he remained among the
Indians partly from what he received as a consideration for the difference
between his full appointment and the halfpay to which he is now restricted
and partly from the profits of a little traffic he drove in peltry during his
sachemship among the Miamis
Liddys fears and perplexities have been much assuaged by the company of one
Miss Willis who had been her intimate companion at the boardingschool Her
parents had been earnestly solicited to allow her making this friendly visit on
such an extraordinary occasion and two days ago she arrived with her mother
who did not chuse that she should come without a proper gouvernante The young
lady is very sprightly handsome and agreeable and the mother a mighty good
sort of a woman so that their coming adds considerably to our enjoyment But we
shall have a third couple yoked in the matrimonial chain Mr Clinker Loyd has
made humble remonstrance through the canal of my nephew setting forth the
sincere love and affection mutually subsisting between him and Mrs Winifred
Jenkins and praying my consent to their coming together for life I would have
wished that Mr Clinker had kept out of this scrape but as the nymphs
happiness is at stake and she has had already some fits in the way of
despondence I in order to prevent any tragical catastrophe have given him
leave to play the fool in imitation of his betters and I suppose we shall in
time have a whole litter of his progeny at Brambletonhall The fellow is stout
and lusty very sober and conscientious and the wench seems to be as great an
enthusiast in love as in religion
I wish you would think of employing him some other way that the parish may
not be overstocked you know he has been bred a farrier consequently belongs
to the faculty and as he is very docile I make no doubt but with your good
instruction he may be in a little time qualified to act as a Welch
apothecary Tabby who never did a favour with a good grace has consented with
great reluctance to this match Perhaps it hurts her pride as she now
considers Clinker in the light of a relation but I believe her objections are
of a more selfish nature She declares she cannot think of retaining the wife of
Matthew Loyd in the character of a servant and she foresees that on such an
occasion the woman will expect some gratification for her past services As for
Clinker exclusive of other considerations he is so trusty brave
affectionate and alert and I owe him such personal obligations that he merits
more than all the indulgence that can possibly be shewn him by
yours
MATT BRAMBLE
Oct 26
To Sir Watkin Phillips Bart at Oxon
Dear Knight
The fatal knots are now tied The comedy is near a close and the curtain is
ready to drop but the latter scenes of this act I shall recapitulate in order
About a fortnight ago my uncle made an excursion across the country and
brought hither a particular friend one Mr Baynard who has just lost his wife
and was for some time disconsolate though by all accounts he had much more
cause for joy than for sorrow at this event His countenance however clears
up apace and he appears to be a person of rare accomplishments But we have
received another still more agreeable reinforcement to our company by the
arrival of Miss Willis from Gloucester She was Liddys bosom friend at
boardingschool and being earnestly sollicited to assist at the nuptials her
mother was so obliging as to grant my sisters request and even to come with
her in person Liddy accompanied by George Dennison and me gave them the
meeting halfway and next day conducted them hither in safety Miss Willis is a
charming girl and in point of disposition an agreeable contrast to my sister
who is rather too grave and sentimental for my turn of mind The other is gay
frank a little giddy and always goodhumoured She has moreover a genteel
fortune is well born and remarkably handsome Ah Phillips if these
qualities were permanent if her humour would never change nor her beauties
decay what efforts would I not make But these are idle reflections my
destiny must one day be fulfilled
At present we pass the time as agreeably as we can We have got up several
farces which afforded unspeakable entertainment by the effects they produced
among the country people who are admitted to all our exhibitions Two nights
ago Jack Wilson acquired great applause in Harlequin Skeleton and Lismahago
surprized us all in the character of Pierot His long lank sides and strong
marked features were all peculiarly adapted to his part He appeared with a
ludicrous stare from which he had discharged all meaning he adopted the
impressions of fear and amazement so naturally that many of the audience were
infected by his looks but when the skeleton held him in chace his horror
became most divertingly picturesque and seemed to endow him with such
præternatural agility as confounded all the spectators It was a lively
representation of Death in pursuit of Consumption and had such an effect upon
the commonalty that some of them shrieked aloud and others ran out of the hall
in the utmost consternation
This is not the only instance in which the lieutenant has lately excited our
wonder His temper which had been soured and shrivelled by disappointment and
chagrin is now swelled out and smoothed like a raisin in plumporridge From
being reserved and punctilious he is become easy and obliging He cracks jokes
laughs and banters with the most facetious familiarity and in a word enters
into all our schemes of merriment and pastime The other day his baggage
arrived in the waggon from London contained in two large trunks and a long
dealbox not unlike a coffin The trunks were filled with his wardrobe which he
displayed for the entertainment of the company and he freely owned that it
consisted chiefly of the opima spolia taken in battle What he selected for his
wedding suit was a tarnished white cloth faced with blue velvet embroidered
with silver but he valued himself most upon a tyeperiwig in which he had made
his first appearance as a lawyer above thirty years ago This machine had been
in buckle ever since and now all the servants in the family were employed to
frizz it out for the occasion which was yesterday celebrated at the parish
church George Dennison and his bride were distinguished by nothing
extraordinary in their apparel His eyes lightened with eagerness and joy and
she trembled with coyness and confusion My uncle gave her away and her friend
Willis supported her during the ceremony
But my aunt and her paramour took the pas and formed indeed such a pair
of originals as I believe all England could not parallel She was dressed in
the stile of 1739 and the day being cold put on a manteel of green velvet
laced with gold but this was taken off by the bridegroom who threw over her
shoulders a fur cloak of American sables valued at fourscore guineas a present
equally agreeable and unexpected Thus accoutred she was led up to the altar by
Mr Dennison who did the office of her father Lismahago advanced in the
military step with his French coat reaching no farther than the middle of his
thigh his campaign wig that surpasses all description and a languishing leer
upon his countenance in which there seemed to be something arch and ironical
The ring which he put upon her finger he had concealed till the moment it was
used He now produced it with an air of selfcomplacency It was a curious
antique set with rose diamonds he told us afterwards it had been in his
family two hundred years and was a present from his grandmother These
circumstances agreeably flattered the pride of our aunt Tabitha which had
already found uncommon gratification in the captains generosity for he had in
the morning presented my uncle with a fine bears skin and a Spanish
fowlingpiece and me with a case of pistols curiously mounted with silver At
the same time he gave Mrs Jenkins an Indian purse made of silk grass
containing twenty crown pieces You must know this young lady with the
assistance of Mr Loyd formed the third couple who yesterday sacrificed to
Hymen I wrote to you in my last that he had recourse to my mediation which I
employed successfully with my uncle but Mrs Tabitha held out till the
lovesick Jenkins had two fits of the mother then she relented and those two
cooing turtles were caged for life Our aunt made an effort of generosity in
furnishing the bride with her superfluities of clothes and linen and her
example was followed by my sister nor did Mr Bramble and I neglect her on this
occasion It was indeed a day of peace offering Mr Dennison insisted upon
Liddys accepting two bank notes of one hundred pounds each as pocketmoney
and his lady gave her a diamond necklace of double that value There was
besides a mutual exchange of tokens among the individuals of the two families
thus happily united
As George Dennison and his partner were judged improper objects of mirth
Jack Wilson had resolved to execute some jokes on Lismahago and after supper
began to ply him with bumpers when the ladies had retired but the captain
perceiving his drift begged for quarter alledging that the adventure in which
he had engaged was a very serious matter and that it would be more the part of
a good Christian to pray that he might be strengthened than to impede his
endeavours to finish the adventure He was spared accordingly and permitted
to ascend the nuptial couch with all his senses about him There he and his
consort sat in state like Saturn and Cybele while the benedictionposset was
drank and a cake being broken over the head of Mrs Tabitha Lismahago the
fragments were distributed among the bystanders according to the custom of the
ancient Britons on the supposition that every person who ate of this hallowed
cake should that night have a vision of the man or woman whom Heaven designed
should be his or her wedded mate
The weight of Wilsons waggery fell upon honest Humphry and his spouse who
were bedded in an upper room with the usual ceremony of throwing the stocking
This being performed and the company withdrawn a sort of catterwauling
ensued when Jack found means to introduce a real cat shod with walnutshells
which galloping along the boards made such a dreadful noise as effectually
discomposed our lovers Winifred screamed aloud and shrunk under the bed
cloaths Mr Loyd believing that Satan was come to buffet him in propria
persona laid aside all carnal thoughts and began to pray aloud with great
fervency At length the poor animal being more afraid than either leaped
into the bed and meauled with the most piteous exclamation Loyd thus
informed of the nature of the annoyance rose and set the door wide open so
that this troublesome visitant retreated with great expedition then securing
himself by means of a double bolt from a second intrusion he was left to
enjoy his good fortune without further disturbance
If one may judge from the looks of the parties they are all very well
satisfied with what has passed George Dennison and his wife are too delicate
to exhibit any strongmarked signs of their mutual satisfaction but their eyes
are sufficiently expressive Mrs Tabitha Lismahago is rather fulsome in
signifying her approbation of the captains love while his deportment is the
very pink of gallantry He sighs and ogles and languishes at this amiable
object he kisses her hand mutters ejaculations of rapture and sings tender
airs and no doubt laughs internally at her folly in believing him sincere
In order to shew how little his vigour was impaired by the fatigues of the
preceding day he this morning danced a Highland saraband over a naked
backsword and leaped so high that I believe he would make no contemptible
figure as a vaulter at Sadlers Wells Mr Matthew Loyd when asked how he
relishes his bargain throws up his eyes crying »For what we have received
Lord make us thankful amen« His helpmate giggles and holds her hand before
her eyes affecting to be ashamed of having been in bed with a man Thus all
these widgeons enjoy the novelty of their situation but perhaps their note
will be changed when they are better acquainted with the nature of the decoy
As Mrs Willis cannot be persuaded to stay and Liddy is engaged by promise
to accompany her daughter back to Gloucester I fancy there will be a general
migration from hence and that most of us will spend the Christmas holidays at
Bath in which case I shall certainly find an opportunity to beat up your
quarters By this rime I suppose you are sick of alma mater and even ready
to execute that scheme of peregrination which was last year concerted between
you and
Your affectionate
J MELFORD
Nov 8
To Dr Lewis
Dear Doctor
My niece Liddy is now happily settled for life and captain Lismahago has
taken Tabby off my hands so that I have nothing further to do but to comfort
my friend Baynard and provide for my son Loyd who is also fairly joined to
Mrs Winifred Jenkins You are an excellent genius at hints Dr Arbuthnot
was but a type of Dr Lewis in that respect What you observe of the
vestryclerk deserves consideration I make no doubt but Matthew Loyd is well
enough qualified for the office but at present you must find room for him in
the house His incorruptible honesty and indefatigable care will be
serviceable in superintending the oeconomy of my farm tho I dont mean that he
shall interfere with Barns of whom I have no cause to complain I am just
returned with Baynard from a second trip to his house where every thing is
regulated to his satisfaction He could not however review the apartments
without tears and lamentation so that he is not yet in a condition to be left
alone therefore I will not part with him till the spring when he intends to
plunge into the avocations of husbandry which will at once employ and amuse his
attention Charles Dennison had promised to stay with him a fortnight to set
him fairly afloat in his improvements and Jack Wilson will see him from time to
time besides he has a few friends in the country whom his new plan of life
will not exclude from his society In less than a year I make no doubt but
he will find himself perfectly at ease both in his mind and body for the one
had dangerously affected the other and I shall enjoy the exquisite pleasure of
seeing my friend rescued from misery and contempt
Mrs Willis being determined to return with her daughter in a few days to
Gloucester our plan has undergone some alteration Jery has persuaded his
brotherinlaw to carry his wife to Bath and I believe his parents will
accompany him thither For my part I have no intention to take that route
It must be something very extraordinary that will induce me to revisit either
Bath or London My sister and her husband Baynard and I will take leave of
them at Gloucester and make the best of our way to Brambletonhall where I
desire you will prepare a good chine and turkey for our Christmas dinner You
must also employ your medical skill in defending me from the attacks of the
gout that I may be in good case to receive the rest of our company who promise
to visit us in their return from the Bath As I have laid in a considerable
stock of health it is to be hoped you will not have much trouble with me in the
way of physic but I intend to work you on the side of exercise I have got an
excellent fowlingpiece from Mr Lismahago who is a keen sportsman and we
shall take the heath in all weathers That this scheme of life may be
prosecuted the more effectually I intend to renounce all sedentary amusements
particularly that of writing long letters a resolution which had I taken it
sooner might have saved you the trouble which you have lately taken in reading
the tedious epistles of
MATT BRAMBLE
Nov 20
To Mrs Gwyllim at Brambletonhall
Good Mrs Gwyllim
Heaven for wise porpuses hath ordained that I should change my name and
citation in life so that I am not to be considered any more as manger of my
brothers family but as I cannot surrender up my stewardship till I have
settled with you and Williams I desire you will get your accunts ready for
inspection as we are coming home without further delay My spouse the
captain being subject to rummaticks I beg you will take great care to have the
blew chamber up two pair of stairs well warmed for his reception Let the
sashes be secured the crevices stopt the carpets laid and the beds well
tousled Mrs Loyd late Jenkins being married to a relation of the family
cannot remain in the capacity of a sarvant therefore I wish you would cast
about for some creditable body to be with me in her room If she can spin and
is mistress of plainwork so much the better but she must not expect
extravagant wages having a family of my own I must be more occumenical than
ever No more at present but rests
Your loving friend
TAB LISMAHAGO
Nov 20
To Mrs Mary Jones at Brambletonhall
Mrs Jones
Providinch hath bin pleased to make great halteration in the pasture of our
affairs We were yesterday three kiple chined by the grease of God in the
holy bands of mattermoney and I now subscrive myself Loyd at your sarvice
All the parish allowed that young squire Dallison and his bride was a comely
pear for to see As for madam Lashmiheygo you nose her picklearities her
head to be sure was fintastical and her spouse had rapt her with a long
marokin furze cloak from the land of the selvidges thof they say it is of
immense bally The captain himself had a huge hassock of air with three
tails and a tumtawdry coat boddered with sulfur Wan said he was a
monkeybank and the ould bottler swore he was the born imich of Titidall For
my part I says nothing being as how the captain has done the handsome thing by
me Mr Loyd was dressed in a lite frog and checket with gould binding and
thof he dont enter in caparison with great folks of quality yet he has got as
good blood in his veins as arrow privet squire in the county and then his
pursing is far from contentible Your humble sarvant had on a plain peagreen
tabby sack with my Runnela cap ruff toupee and side curls They said I was
the very moral of lady Rickmanstone but not so pale that may well be for her
layship is my elder by seven good years and more Now Mrs Mary our satiety
is to suppurate Mr Millfart goes to Bath along with the Dallisons and the
rest of us push home to Wales to pass our Chrishmarsh at Brampletonhall As
our apartment is to be the yallow pepper in the thurd story pray carry my
things thither Present my cumpliments to Mrs Gwyllim and I hope she and I
will live upon dissent terms of civility Being by Gods blessing removed to
a higher spear youll excuse my being familiar with the lower sarvents of the
family but as I trust youll behave respectful and keep a proper distance
you may always depend upon the good will and purtection of
Yours
W LOYD
Nov 20
Notes
1 This gentleman crossed the sea to France visited and conferred with Mr de
Voltaire at Fernay resumed his old circuit at Genoa and died in 1767 at the
house of Vanini in Florence Being taken with a suppression of urine he
resolved in imitation of Pomponius Atticus to take himself off by abstinence
and this resolution he executed like an ancient Roman He saw company to the
last cracked his jokes conversed freely and entertained his guests with
music On the third day of his fast he found himself entirely freed of his
complaint but refused taking sustenance He said the most disagreeable part of
the voyage was past and he should be a cursed fool indeed to put about ship
when he was just entering the harbour In these sentiments he persisted without
any marks of affectation and thus finished his course with such ease and
serenity as would have done honour to the firmest Stoic of antiquity
2 The par is a small fish not unlike the smelt which it rivals in delicacy and
flavour