Chapter 1
Selden paused in surprise In the afternoon rush of the Grand Central Station his eyes had been refreshed by the sight of Miss Lily Bart
It was a Monday in early September and he was returning to his work from a hurried dip into the country but what was Miss Bart doing in town at that season If she had appeared to be catching a train he might have inferred that he had come on her in the act of transition between one and another of the countryhouses which disputed her presence after the close of the Newport season but her desultory air perplexed him She stood apart from the crowd letting it drift by her to the platform or the street and wearing an air of irresolution which might as he surmised be the mask of a very definite purpose It struck him at once that she was waiting for some one but he hardly knew why the idea arrested him There was nothing new about Lily Bart yet he could never see her without a faint movement of interest it was characteristic of her that she always roused speculation that her simplest acts seemed the result of farreaching intentions
An impulse of curiosity made him turn out of his direct line to the door and stroll past her He knew that if she did not wish to be seen she would contrive to elude him and it amused him to think of putting her skill to the test
Mr Selden—what good luck
She came forward smiling eager almost in her resolve to intercept him One or two persons in brushing past them lingered to look for Miss Bart was a figure to arrest even the suburban traveller rushing to his last train
Selden had never seen her more radiant Her vivid head relieved against the dull tints of the crowd made her more conspicuous than in a ballroom and under her dark hat and veil she regained the girlish smoothness the purity of tint that she was beginning to lose after eleven years of late hours and indefatigable dancing Was it really eleven years Selden found himself wondering and had she indeed reached the nineandtwentieth birthday with which her rivals credited her
What luck she repeated How nice of you to come to my rescue
He responded joyfully that to do so was his mission in life and asked what form the rescue was to take
Oh almost any—even to sitting on a bench and talking to me One sits out a cotillion—why not sit out a train It isnt a bit hotter here than in Mrs Van Osburghs conservatory—and some of the women are not a bit uglier She broke off laughing to explain that she had come up to town from Tuxedo on her way to the Gus Trenors at Bellomont and had missed the threefifteen train to Rhinebeck And there isnt another till halfpast five She consulted the little jewelled watch among her laces Just two hours to wait And I dont know what to do with myself My maid came up this morning to do some shopping for me and was to go on to Bellomont at one oclock and my aunts house is closed and I dont know a soul in town She glanced plaintively about the station It IS hotter than Mrs Van Osburghs after all If you can spare the time do take me somewhere for a breath of air
He declared himself entirely at her disposal the adventure struck him as diverting As a spectator he had always enjoyed Lily Bart and his course lay so far out of her orbit that it amused him to be drawn for a moment into the sudden intimacy which her proposal implied
Shall we go over to Sherrys for a cup of tea
She smiled assentingly and then made a slight grimace
So many people come up to town on a Monday—one is sure to meet a lot of bores Im as old as the hills of course and it ought not to make any difference but if IM old enough youre not she objected gaily Im dying for tea—but isnt there a quieter place
He answered her smile which rested on him vividly Her discretions interested him almost as much as her imprudences he was so sure that both were part of the same carefullyelaborated plan In judging Miss Bart he had always made use of the argument from design
The resources of New York are rather meagre he said but Ill find a hansom first and then well invent something He led her through the throng of returning holidaymakers past sallowfaced girls in preposterous hats and flatchested women struggling with paper bundles and palmleaf fans Was it possible that she belonged to the same race The dinginess the crudity of this average section of womanhood made him feel how highly specialized she was
A rapid shower had cooled the air and clouds still hung refreshingly over the moist street
How delicious Let us walk a little she said as they emerged from the station
They turned into Madison Avenue and began to stroll northward As she moved beside him with her long light step Selden was conscious of taking a luxurious pleasure in her nearness in the modelling of her little ear the crisp upward wave of her hair—was it ever so slightly brightened by art—and the thick planting of her straight black lashes Everything about her was at once vigorous and exquisite at once strong and fine He had a confused sense that she must have cost a great deal to make that a great many dull and ugly people must in some mysterious way have been sacrificed to produce her He was aware that the qualities distinguishing her from the herd of her sex were chiefly external as though a fine glaze of beauty and fastidiousness had been applied to vulgar clay Yet the analogy left him unsatisfied for a coarse texture will not take a high finish and was it not possible that the material was fine but that circumstance had fashioned it into a futile shape
As he reached this point in his speculations the sun came out and her lifted parasol cut off his enjoyment A moment or two later she paused with a sigh
Oh dear Im so hot and thirsty—and what a hideous place New York is She looked despairingly up and down the dreary thoroughfare Other cities put on their best clothes in summer but New York seems to sit in its shirtsleeves Her eyes wandered down one of the sidestreets Someone has had the humanity to plant a few trees over there Let us go into the shade
I am glad my street meets with your approval said Selden as they turned the corner
Your street Do you live here
She glanced with interest along the new brick and limestone housefronts fantastically varied in obedience to the American craving for novelty but fresh and inviting with their awnings and flowerboxes
Ah yes—to be sure THE BENEDICK What a nicelooking building I dont think Ive ever seen it before She looked across at the flathouse with its marble porch and pseudoGeorgian facade Which are your windows Those with the awnings down
On the top floor—yes
And that nice little balcony is yours How cool it looks up there
He paused a moment Come up and see he suggested I can give you a cup of tea in no time—and you wont meet any bores
Her colour deepened—she still had the art of blushing at the right time—but she took the suggestion as lightly as it was made
Why not Its too tempting—Ill take the risk she declared
Oh Im not dangerous he said in the same key In truth he had never liked her as well as at that moment He knew she had accepted without afterthought he could never be a factor in her calculations and there was a surprise a refreshment almost in the spontaneity of her consent
On the threshold he paused a moment feeling for his latchkey
Theres no one here but I have a servant who is supposed to come in the mornings and its just possible he may have put out the teathings and provided some cake
He ushered her into a slip of a hall hung with old prints She noticed the letters and notes heaped on the table among his gloves and sticks then she found herself in a small library dark but cheerful with its walls of books a pleasantly faded Turkey rug a littered desk and as he had foretold a teatray on a low table near the window A breeze had sprung up swaying inward the muslin curtains and bringing a fresh scent of mignonette and petunias from the flowerbox on the balcony
Lily sank with a sigh into one of the shabby leather chairs
How delicious to have a place like this all to ones self What a miserable thing it is to be a woman She leaned back in a luxury of discontent
Selden was rummaging in a cupboard for the cake
Even women he said have been known to enjoy the privileges of a flat
Oh governesses—or widows But not girls—not poor miserable marriageable girls
I even know a girl who lives in a flat
She sat up in surprise You do
I do he assured her emerging from the cupboard with the soughtfor cake
Oh I know—you mean Gerty Farish She smiled a little unkindly But I said MARRIAGEABLE—and besides she has a horrid little place and no maid and such queer things to eat Her cook does the washing and the food tastes of soap I should hate that you know
You shouldnt dine with her on washdays said Selden cutting the cake
They both laughed and he knelt by the table to light the lamp under the kettle while she measured out the tea into a little teapot of green glaze As he watched her hand polished as a bit of old ivory with its slender pink nails and the sapphire bracelet slipping over her wrist he was struck with the irony of suggesting to her such a life as his cousin Gertrude Farish had chosen She was so evidently the victim of the civilization which had produced her that the links of her bracelet seemed like manacles chaining her to her fate
She seemed to read his thought It was horrid of me to say that of Gerty she said with charming compunction I forgot she was your cousin But were so different you know she likes being good and I like being happy And besides she is free and I am not If I were I daresay I could manage to be happy even in her flat It must be pure bliss to arrange the furniture just as one likes and give all the horrors to the ashman If I could only do over my aunts drawingroom I know I should be a better woman
Is it so very bad he asked sympathetically
She smiled at him across the teapot which she was holding up to be filled
That shows how seldom you come there Why dont you come oftener
When I do come its not to look at Mrs Penistons furniture
Nonsense she said You dont come at all—and yet we get on so well when we meet
Perhaps thats the reason he answered promptly Im afraid I havent any cream you know—shall you mind a slice of lemon instead
I shall like it better She waited while he cut the lemon and dropped a thin disk into her cup But that is not the reason she insisted
The reason for what
For your never coming She leaned forward with a shade of perplexity in her charming eyes I wish I knew—I wish I could make you out Of course I know there are men who dont like me—one can tell that at a glance And there are others who are afraid of me they think I want to marry them She smiled up at him frankly But I dont think you dislike me—and you cant possibly think I want to marry you
No—I absolve you of that he agreed
Well then——
He had carried his cup to the fireplace and stood leaning against the chimneypiece and looking down on her with an air of indolent amusement The provocation in her eyes increased his amusement—he had not supposed she would waste her powder on such small game but perhaps she was only keeping her hand in or perhaps a girl of her type had no conversation but of the personal kind At any rate she was amazingly pretty and he had asked her to tea and must live up to his obligations
Well then he said with a plunge perhaps THATS the reason
What
The fact that you dont want to marry me Perhaps I dont regard it as such a strong inducement to go and see you He felt a slight shiver down his spine as he ventured this but her laugh reassured him
Dear Mr Selden that wasnt worthy of you Its stupid of you to make love to me and it isnt like you to be stupid She leaned back sipping her tea with an air so enchantingly judicial that if they had been in her aunts drawingroom he might almost have tried to disprove her deduction
Dont you see she continued that there are men enough to say pleasant things to me and that what I want is a friend who wont be afraid to say disagreeable ones when I need them Sometimes I have fancied you might be that friend—I dont know why except that you are neither a prig nor a bounder and that I shouldnt have to pretend with you or be on my guard against you Her voice had dropped to a note of seriousness and she sat gazing up at him with the troubled gravity of a child
You dont know how much I need such a friend she said My aunt is full of copybook axioms but they were all meant to apply to conduct in the early fifties I always feel that to live up to them would include wearing bookmuslin with gigot sleeves And the other women—my best friends—well they use me or abuse me but they dont care a straw what happens to me Ive been about too long—people are getting tired of me they are beginning to say I ought to marry
There was a moments pause during which Selden meditated one or two replies calculated to add a momentary zest to the situation but he rejected them in favour of the simple question Well why dont you
She coloured and laughed Ah I see you ARE a friend after all and that is one of the disagreeable things I was asking for
It wasnt meant to be disagreeable he returned amicably Isnt marriage your vocation Isnt it what youre all brought up for
She sighed I suppose so What else is there
Exactly And so why not take the plunge and have it over
She shrugged her shoulders You speak as if I ought to marry the first man who came along
I didnt mean to imply that you are as hard put to it as that But there must be some one with the requisite qualifications
She shook her head wearily I threw away one or two good chances when I first came out—I suppose every girl does and you know I am horribly poor—and very expensive I must have a great deal of money
Selden had turned to reach for a cigarettebox on the mantelpiece
Whats become of Dillworth he asked
Oh his mother was frightened—she was afraid I should have all the family jewels reset And she wanted me to promise that I wouldnt do over the drawingroom
The very thing you are marrying for
Exactly So she packed him off to India
Hard luck—but you can do better than Dillworth
He offered the box and she took out three or four cigarettes putting one between her lips and slipping the others into a little gold case attached to her long pearl chain
Have I time Just a whiff then She leaned forward holding the tip of her cigarette to his As she did so he noted with a purely impersonal enjoyment how evenly the black lashes were set in her smooth white lids and how the purplish shade beneath them melted into the pure pallour of the cheek
She began to saunter about the room examining the bookshelves between the puffs of her cigarettesmoke Some of the volumes had the ripe tints of good tooling and old morocco and her eyes lingered on them caressingly not with the appreciation of the expert but with the pleasure in agreeable tones and textures that was one of her inmost susceptibilities Suddenly her expression changed from desultory enjoyment to active conjecture and she turned to Selden with a question
You collect dont you—you know about first editions and things
As much as a man may who has no money to spend Now and then I pick up something in the rubbish heap and I go and look on at the big sales
She had again addressed herself to the shelves but her eyes now swept them inattentively and he saw that she was preoccupied with a new idea
And Americana—do you collect Americana
Selden stared and laughed
No thats rather out of my line Im not really a collector you see I simply like to have good editions of the books I am fond of
She made a slight grimace And Americana are horribly dull I suppose
I should fancy so—except to the historian But your real collector values a thing for its rarity I dont suppose the buyers of Americana sit up reading them all night—old Jefferson Gryce certainly didnt
She was listening with keen attention And yet they fetch fabulous prices dont they It seems so odd to want to pay a lot for an ugly badlyprinted book that one is never going to read And I suppose most of the owners of Americana are not historians either
No very few of the historians can afford to buy them They have to use those in the public libraries or in private collections It seems to be the mere rarity that attracts the average collector
He had seated himself on an arm of the chair near which she was standing and she continued to question him asking which were the rarest volumes whether the Jefferson Gryce collection was really considered the finest in the world and what was the largest price ever fetched by a single volume
It was so pleasant to sit there looking up at her as she lifted now one book and then another from the shelves fluttering the pages between her fingers while her drooping profile was outlined against the warm background of old bindings that he talked on without pausing to wonder at her sudden interest in so unsuggestive a subject But he could never be long with her without trying to find a reason for what she was doing and as she replaced his first edition of La Bruyere and turned away from the bookcases he began to ask himself what she had been driving at Her next question was not of a nature to enlighten him She paused before him with a smile which seemed at once designed to admit him to her familiarity and to remind him of the restrictions it imposed
Dont you ever mind she asked suddenly not being rich enough to buy all the books you want
He followed her glance about the room with its worn furniture and shabby walls
Dont I just Do you take me for a saint on a pillar
And having to work—do you mind that
Oh the work itself is not so bad—Im rather fond of the law
No but the being tied down the routine—dont you ever want to get away to see new places and people
Horribly—especially when I see all my friends rushing to the steamer
She drew a sympathetic breath But do you mind enough—to marry to get out of it
Selden broke into a laugh God forbid he declared
She rose with a sigh tossing her cigarette into the grate
Ah theres the difference—a girl must a man may if he chooses She surveyed him critically Your coats a little shabby—but who cares It doesnt keep people from asking you to dine If I were shabby no one would have me a woman is asked out as much for her clothes as for herself The clothes are the background the frame if you like they dont make success but they are a part of it Who wants a dingy woman We are expected to be pretty and welldressed till we drop—and if we cant keep it up alone we have to go into partnership
Selden glanced at her with amusement it was impossible even with her lovely eyes imploring him to take a sentimental view of her case
Ah well there must be plenty of capital on the lookout for such an investment Perhaps youll meet your fate tonight at the Trenors
She returned his look interrogatively
I thought you might be going there—oh not in that capacity But there are to be a lot of your set—Gwen Van Osburgh the Wetheralls Lady Cressida Raith—and the George Dorsets
She paused a moment before the last name and shot a query through her lashes but he remained imperturbable
Mrs Trenor asked me but I cant get away till the end of the week and those big parties bore me
Ah so they do me she exclaimed
Then why go
Its part of the business—you forget And besides if I didnt I should be playing bezique with my aunt at Richfield Springs
Thats almost as bad as marrying Dillworth he agreed and they both laughed for pure pleasure in their sudden intimacy
She glanced at the clock
Dear me I must be off Its after five
She paused before the mantelpiece studying herself in the mirror while she adjusted her veil The attitude revealed the long slope of her slender sides which gave a kind of wildwood grace to her outline—as though she were a captured dryad subdued to the conventions of the drawingroom and Selden reflected that it was the same streak of sylvan freedom in her nature that lent such savour to her artificiality
He followed her across the room to the entrancehall but on the threshold she held out her hand with a gesture of leavetaking
Its been delightful and now you will have to return my visit
But dont you want me to see you to the station
No good bye here please
She let her hand lie in his a moment smiling up at him adorably
Good bye then—and good luck at Bellomont he said opening the door for her
On the landing she paused to look about her There were a thousand chances to one against her meeting anybody but one could never tell and she always paid for her rare indiscretions by a violent reaction of prudence There was no one in sight however but a charwoman who was scrubbing the stairs Her own stout person and its surrounding implements took up so much room that Lily to pass her had to gather up her skirts and brush against the wall As she did so the woman paused in her work and looked up curiously resting her clenched red fists on the wet cloth she had just drawn from her pail She had a broad sallow face slightly pitted with smallpox and thin strawcoloured hair through which her scalp shone unpleasantly
I beg your pardon said Lily intending by her politeness to convey a criticism of the others manner
The woman without answering pushed her pail aside and continued to stare as Miss Bart swept by with a murmur of silken linings Lily felt herself flushing under the look What did the creature suppose Could one never do the simplest the most harmless thing without subjecting ones self to some odious conjecture Half way down the next flight she smiled to think that a charwomans stare should so perturb her The poor thing was probably dazzled by such an unwonted apparition But WERE such apparitions unwonted on Seldens stairs Miss Bart was not familiar with the moral code of bachelors flathouses and her colour rose again as it occurred to her that the womans persistent gaze implied a groping among past associations But she put aside the thought with a smile at her own fears and hastened downward wondering if she should find a cab short of Fifth Avenue
Under the Georgian porch she paused again scanning the street for a hansom None was in sight but as she reached the sidewalk she ran against a small glossylooking man with a gardenia in his coat who raised his hat with a surprised exclamation
Miss Bart Well—of all people This IS luck he declared and she caught a twinkle of amused curiosity between his screwedup lids
Oh Mr Rosedale—how are you she said perceiving that the irrepressible annoyance on her face was reflected in the sudden intimacy of his smile
Mr Rosedale stood scanning her with interest and approval He was a plump rosy man of the blond Jewish type with smart London clothes fitting him like upholstery and small sidelong eyes which gave him the air of appraising people as if they were bricabrac He glanced up interrogatively at the porch of the Benedick
Been up to town for a little shopping I suppose he said in a tone which had the familiarity of a touch
Miss Bart shrank from it slightly and then flung herself into precipitate explanations
Yes—I came up to see my dressmaker I am just on my way to catch the train to the Trenors
Ah—your dressmaker just so he said blandly I didnt know there were any dressmakers in the Benedick
The Benedick She looked gently puzzled Is that the name of this building
Yes thats the name I believe its an old word for bachelor isnt it I happen to own the building—thats the way I know His smile deepened as he added with increasing assurance But you must let me take you to the station The Trenors are at Bellomont of course Youve barely time to catch the fiveforty The dressmaker kept you waiting I suppose
Lily stiffened under the pleasantry
Oh thanks she stammered and at that moment her eye caught a hansom drifting down Madison Avenue and she hailed it with a desperate gesture
Youre very kind but I couldnt think of troubling you she said extending her hand to Mr Rosedale and heedless of his protestations she sprang into the rescuing vehicle and called out a breathless order to the driver
Chapter 2
In the hansom she leaned back with a sigh Why must a girl pay so dearly for her least escape from routine Why could one never do a natural thing without having to screen it behind a structure of artifice She had yielded to a passing impulse in going to Lawrence Seldens rooms and it was so seldom that she could allow herself the luxury of an impulse This one at any rate was going to cost her rather more than she could afford She was vexed to see that in spite of so many years of vigilance she had blundered twice within five minutes That stupid story about her dressmaker was bad enough—it would have been so simple to tell Rosedale that she had been taking tea with Selden The mere statement of the fact would have rendered it innocuous But after having let herself be surprised in a falsehood it was doubly stupid to snub the witness of her discomfiture If she had had the presence of mind to let Rosedale drive her to the station the concession might have purchased his silence He had his races accuracy in the appraisal of values and to be seen walking down the platform at the crowded afternoon hour in the company of Miss Lily Bart would have been money in his pocket as he might himself have phrased it He knew of course that there would be a large houseparty at Bellomont and the possibility of being taken for one of Mrs Trenors guests was doubtless included in his calculations Mr Rosedale was still at a stage in his social ascent when it was of importance to produce such impressions
The provoking part was that Lily knew all this—knew how easy it would have been to silence him on the spot and how difficult it might be to do so afterward Mr Simon Rosedale was a man who made it his business to know everything about every one whose idea of showing himself to be at home in society was to display an inconvenient familiarity with the habits of those with whom he wished to be thought intimate Lily was sure that within twentyfour hours the story of her visiting her dressmaker at the Benedick would be in active circulation among Mr Rosedales acquaintances The worst of it was that she had always snubbed and ignored him On his first appearance—when her improvident cousin Jack Stepney had obtained for him in return for favours too easily guessed a card to one of the vast impersonal Van Osburgh crushes—Rosedale with that mixture of artistic sensibility and business astuteness which characterizes his race had instantly gravitated toward Miss Bart She understood his motives for her own course was guided by as nice calculations Training and experience had taught her to be hospitable to newcomers since the most unpromising might be useful later on and there were plenty of available OUBLIETTES to swallow them if they were not But some intuitive repugnance getting the better of years of social discipline had made her push Mr Rosedale into his OUBLIETTE without a trial He had left behind only the ripple of amusement which his speedy despatch had caused among her friends and though later to shift the metaphor he reappeared lower down the stream it was only in fleeting glimpses with long submergences between
Hitherto Lily had been undisturbed by scruples In her little set Mr Rosedale had been pronounced impossible and Jack Stepney roundly snubbed for his attempt to pay his debts in dinner invitations Even Mrs Trenor whose taste for variety had led her into some hazardous experiments resisted Jacks attempts to disguise Mr Rosedale as a novelty and declared that he was the same little Jew who had been served up and rejected at the social board a dozen times within her memory and while Judy Trenor was obdurate there was small chance of Mr Rosedales penetrating beyond the outer limbo of the Van Osburgh crushes Jack gave up the contest with a laughing Youll see and sticking manfully to his guns showed himself with Rosedale at the fashionable restaurants in company with the personally vivid if socially obscure ladies who are available for such purposes But the attempt had hitherto been vain and as Rosedale undoubtedly paid for the dinners the laugh remained with his debtor
Mr Rosedale it will be seen was thus far not a factor to be feared—unless one put ones self in his power And this was precisely what Miss Bart had done Her clumsy fib had let him see that she had something to conceal and she was sure he had a score to settle with her Something in his smile told her he had not forgotten She turned from the thought with a little shiver but it hung on her all the way to the station and dogged her down the platform with the persistency of Mr Rosedale himself
She had just time to take her seat before the train started but having arranged herself in her corner with the instinctive feeling for effect which never forsook her she glanced about in the hope of seeing some other member of the Trenors party She wanted to get away from herself and conversation was the only means of escape that she knew
Her search was rewarded by the discovery of a very blond young man with a soft reddish beard who at the other end of the carriage appeared to be dissembling himself behind an unfolded newspaper Lilys eye brightened and a faint smile relaxed the drawn lines of her mouth She had known that Mr Percy Gryce was to be at Bellomont but she had not counted on the luck of having him to herself in the train and the fact banished all perturbing thoughts of Mr Rosedale Perhaps after all the day was to end more favourably than it had begun
She began to cut the pages of a novel tranquilly studying her prey through downcast lashes while she organized a method of attack Something in his attitude of conscious absorption told her that he was aware of her presence no one had ever been quite so engrossed in an evening paper She guessed that he was too shy to come up to her and that she would have to devise some means of approach which should not appear to be an advance on her part It amused her to think that any one as rich as Mr Percy Gryce should be shy but she was gifted with treasures of indulgence for such idiosyncrasies and besides his timidity might serve her purpose better than too much assurance She had the art of giving selfconfidence to the embarrassed but she was not equally sure of being able to embarrass the selfconfident
She waited till the train had emerged from the tunnel and was racing between the ragged edges of the northern suburbs Then as it lowered its speed near Yonkers she rose from her seat and drifted slowly down the carriage As she passed Mr Gryce the train gave a lurch and he was aware of a slender hand gripping the back of his chair He rose with a start his ingenuous face looking as though it had been dipped in crimson even the reddish tint in his beard seemed to deepen The train swayed again almost flinging Miss Bart into his arms
She steadied herself with a laugh and drew back but he was enveloped in the scent of her dress and his shoulder had felt her fugitive touch
Oh Mr Gryce is it you Im so sorry—I was trying to find the porter and get some tea
She held out her hand as the train resumed its level rush and they stood exchanging a few words in the aisle Yes—he was going to Bellomont He had heard she was to be of the party—he blushed again as he admitted it And was he to be there for a whole week How delightful
But at this point one or two belated passengers from the last station forced their way into the carriage and Lily had to retreat to her seat
The chair next to mine is empty—do take it she said over her shoulder and Mr Gryce with considerable embarrassment succeeded in effecting an exchange which enabled him to transport himself and his bags to her side
Ah—and here is the porter and perhaps we can have some tea
She signalled to that official and in a moment with the ease that seemed to attend the fulfilment of all her wishes a little table had been set up between the seats and she had helped Mr Gryce to bestow his encumbering properties beneath it
When the tea came he watched her in silent fascination while her hands flitted above the tray looking miraculously fine and slender in contrast to the coarse china and lumpy bread It seemed wonderful to him that any one should perform with such careless ease the difficult task of making tea in public in a lurching train He would never have dared to order it for himself lest he should attract the notice of his fellowpassengers but secure in the shelter of her conspicuousness he sipped the inky draught with a delicious sense of exhilaration
Lily with the flavour of Seldens caravan tea on her lips had no great fancy to drown it in the railway brew which seemed such nectar to her companion but rightly judging that one of the charms of tea is the fact of drinking it together she proceeded to give the last touch to Mr Gryces enjoyment by smiling at him across her lifted cup
Is it quite right—I havent made it too strong she asked solicitously and he replied with conviction that he had never tasted better tea
I daresay it is true she reflected and her imagination was fired by the thought that Mr Gryce who might have sounded the depths of the most complex selfindulgence was perhaps actually taking his first journey alone with a pretty woman
It struck her as providential that she should be the instrument of his initiation Some girls would not have known how to manage him They would have overemphasized the novelty of the adventure trying to make him feel in it the zest of an escapade But Lilys methods were more delicate She remembered that her cousin Jack Stepney had once defined Mr Gryce as the young man who had promised his mother never to go out in the rain without his overshoes and acting on this hint she resolved to impart a gently domestic air to the scene in the hope that her companion instead of feeling that he was doing something reckless or unusual would merely be led to dwell on the advantage of always having a companion to make ones tea in the train
But in spite of her efforts conversation flagged after the tray had been removed and she was driven to take a fresh measurement of Mr Gryces limitations It was not after all opportunity but imagination that he lacked he had a mental palate which would never learn to distinguish between railway tea and nectar There was however one topic she could rely on one spring that she had only to touch to set his simple machinery in motion She had refrained from touching it because it was a last resource and she had relied on other arts to stimulate other sensations but as a settled look of dulness began to creep over his candid features she saw that extreme measures were necessary
And how she said leaning forward are you getting on with your Americana
His eye became a degree less opaque it was as though an incipient film had been removed from it and she felt the pride of a skilful operator
Ive got a few new things he said suffused with pleasure but lowering his voice as though he feared his fellowpassengers might be in league to despoil him
She returned a sympathetic enquiry and gradually he was drawn on to talk of his latest purchases It was the one subject which enabled him to forget himself or allowed him rather to remember himself without constraint because he was at home in it and could assert a superiority that there were few to dispute Hardly any of his acquaintances cared for Americana or knew anything about them and the consciousness of this ignorance threw Mr Gryces knowledge into agreeable relief The only difficulty was to introduce the topic and to keep it to the front most people showed no desire to have their ignorance dispelled and Mr Gryce was like a merchant whose warehouses are crammed with an unmarketable commodity
But Miss Bart it appeared really did want to know about Americana and moreover she was already sufficiently informed to make the task of farther instruction as easy as it was agreeable She questioned him intelligently she heard him submissively and prepared for the look of lassitude which usually crept over his listeners faces he grew eloquent under her receptive gaze The points she had had the presence of mind to glean from Selden in anticipation of this very contingency were serving her to such good purpose that she began to think her visit to him had been the luckiest incident of the day She had once more shown her talent for profiting by the unexpected and dangerous theories as to the advisability of yielding to impulse were germinating under the surface of smiling attention which she continued to present to her companion
Mr Gryces sensations if less definite were equally agreeable He felt the confused titillation with which the lower organisms welcome the gratification of their needs and all his senses floundered in a vague wellbeing through which Miss Barts personality was dimly but pleasantly perceptible
Mr Gryces interest in Americana had not originated with himself it was impossible to think of him as evolving any taste of his own An uncle had left him a collection already noted among bibliophiles the existence of the collection was the only fact that had ever shed glory on the name of Gryce and the nephew took as much pride in his inheritance as though it had been his own work Indeed he gradually came to regard it as such and to feel a sense of personal complacency when he chanced on any reference to the Gryce Americana Anxious as he was to avoid personal notice he took in the printed mention of his name a pleasure so exquisite and excessive that it seemed a compensation for his shrinking from publicity
To enjoy the sensation as often as possible he subscribed to all the reviews dealing with bookcollecting in general and American history in particular and as allusions to his library abounded in the pages of these journals which formed his only reading he came to regard himself as figuring prominently in the public eye and to enjoy the thought of the interest which would be excited if the persons he met in the street or sat among in travelling were suddenly to be told that he was the possessor of the Gryce Americana
Most timidities have such secret compensations and Miss Bart was discerning enough to know that the inner vanity is generally in proportion to the outer selfdepreciation With a more confident person she would not have dared to dwell so long on one topic or to show such exaggerated interest in it but she had rightly guessed that Mr Gryces egoism was a thirsty soil requiring constant nurture from without Miss Bart had the gift of following an undercurrent of thought while she appeared to be sailing on the surface of conversation and in this case her mental excursion took the form of a rapid survey of Mr Percy Gryces future as combined with her own The Gryces were from Albany and but lately introduced to the metropolis where the mother and son had come after old Jefferson Gryces death to take possession of his house in Madison Avenue—an appalling house all brown stone without and black walnut within with the Gryce library in a fireproof annex that looked like a mausoleum Lily however knew all about them young Mr Gryces arrival had fluttered the maternal breasts of New York and when a girl has no mother to palpitate for her she must needs be on the alert for herself Lily therefore had not only contrived to put herself in the young mans way but had made the acquaintance of Mrs Gryce a monumental woman with the voice of a pulpit orator and a mind preoccupied with the iniquities of her servants who came sometimes to sit with Mrs Peniston and learn from that lady how she managed to prevent the kitchenmaids smuggling groceries out of the house Mrs Gryce had a kind of impersonal benevolence cases of individual need she regarded with suspicion but she subscribed to Institutions when their annual reports showed an impressive surplus Her domestic duties were manifold for they extended from furtive inspections of the servants bedrooms to unannounced descents to the cellar but she had never allowed herself many pleasures Once however she had had a special edition of the Sarum Rule printed in rubric and presented to every clergyman in the diocese and the gilt album in which their letters of thanks were pasted formed the chief ornament of her drawingroom table
Percy had been brought up in the principles which so excellent a woman was sure to inculcate Every form of prudence and suspicion had been grafted on a nature originally reluctant and cautious with the result that it would have seemed hardly needful for Mrs Gryce to extract his promise about the overshoes so little likely was he to hazard himself abroad in the rain After attaining his majority and coming into the fortune which the late Mr Gryce had made out of a patent device for excluding fresh air from hotels the young man continued to live with his mother in Albany but on Jefferson Gryces death when another large property passed into her sons hands Mrs Gryce thought that what she called his interests demanded his presence in New York She accordingly installed herself in the Madison Avenue house and Percy whose sense of duty was not inferior to his mothers spent all his week days in the handsome Broad Street office where a batch of pale men on small salaries had grown grey in the management of the Gryce estate and where he was initiated with becoming reverence into every detail of the art of accumulation
As far as Lily could learn this had hitherto been Mr Gryces only occupation and she might have been pardoned for thinking it not too hard a task to interest a young man who had been kept on such low diet At any rate she felt herself so completely in command of the situation that she yielded to a sense of security in which all fear of Mr Rosedale and of the difficulties on which that fear was contingent vanished beyond the edge of thought
The stopping of the train at Garrisons would not have distracted her from these thoughts had she not caught a sudden look of distress in her companions eye His seat faced toward the door and she guessed that he had been perturbed by the approach of an acquaintance a fact confirmed by the turning of heads and general sense of commotion which her own entrance into a railwaycarriage was apt to produce
She knew the symptoms at once and was not surprised to be hailed by the high notes of a pretty woman who entered the train accompanied by a maid a bullterrier and a footman staggering under a load of bags and dressingcases
Oh Lily—are you going to Bellomont Then you cant let me have your seat I suppose But I MUST have a seat in this carriage—porter you must find me a place at once Cant some one be put somewhere else I want to be with my friends Oh how do you do Mr Gryce Do please make him understand that I must have a seat next to you and Lily
Mrs George Dorset regardless of the mild efforts of a traveller with a carpetbag who was doing his best to make room for her by getting out of the train stood in the middle of the aisle diffusing about her that general sense of exasperation which a pretty woman on her travels not infrequently creates
She was smaller and thinner than Lily Bart with a restless pliability of pose as if she could have been crumpled up and run through a ring like the sinuous draperies she affected Her small pale face seemed the mere setting of a pair of dark exaggerated eyes of which the visionary gaze contrasted curiously with her selfassertive tone and gestures so that as one of her friends observed she was like a disembodied spirit who took up a great deal of room
Having finally discovered that the seat adjoining Miss Barts was at her disposal she possessed herself of it with a farther displacement of her surroundings explaining meanwhile that she had come across from Mount Kisco in her motorcar that morning and had been kicking her heels for an hour at Garrisons without even the alleviation of a cigarette her brute of a husband having neglected to replenish her case before they parted that morning
And at this hour of the day I dont suppose youve a single one left have you Lily she plaintively concluded
Miss Bart caught the startled glance of Mr Percy Gryce whose own lips were never defiled by tobacco
What an absurd question Bertha she exclaimed blushing at the thought of the store she had laid in at Lawrence Seldens
Why dont you smoke Since when have you given it up What—you never—— And you dont either Mr Gryce Ah of course—how stupid of me—I understand
And Mrs Dorset leaned back against her travelling cushions with a smile which made Lily wish there had been no vacant seat beside her own
Chapter 3
Bridge at Bellomont usually lasted till the small hours and when Lily went to bed that night she had played too long for her own good
Feeling no desire for the selfcommunion which awaited her in her room she lingered on the broad stairway looking down into the hall below where the last cardplayers were grouped about the tray of tall glasses and silvercollared decanters which the butler had just placed on a low table near the fire
The hall was arcaded with a gallery supported on columns of pale yellow marble Tall clumps of flowering plants were grouped against a background of dark foliage in the angles of the walls On the crimson carpet a deerhound and two or three spaniels dozed luxuriously before the fire and the light from the great central lantern overhead shed a brightness on the womens hair and struck sparks from their jewels as they moved
There were moments when such scenes delighted Lily when they gratified her sense of beauty and her craving for the external finish of life there were others when they gave a sharper edge to the meagreness of her own opportunities This was one of the moments when the sense of contrast was uppermost and she turned away impatiently as Mrs George Dorset glittering in serpentine spangles drew Percy Gryce in her wake to a confidential nook beneath the gallery
It was not that Miss Bart was afraid of losing her newlyacquired hold over Mr Gryce Mrs Dorset might startle or dazzle him but she had neither the skill nor the patience to effect his capture She was too selfengrossed to penetrate the recesses of his shyness and besides why should she care to give herself the trouble At most it might amuse her to make sport of his simplicity for an evening—after that he would be merely a burden to her and knowing this she was far too experienced to encourage him But the mere thought of that other woman who could take a man up and toss him aside as she willed without having to regard him as a possible factor in her plans filled Lily Bart with envy She had been bored all the afternoon by Percy Gryce—the mere thought seemed to waken an echo of his droning voice—but she could not ignore him on the morrow she must follow up her success must submit to more boredom must be ready with fresh compliances and adaptabilities and all on the bare chance that he might ultimately decide to do her the honour of boring her for life
It was a hateful fate—but how escape from it What choice had she To be herself or a Gerty Farish As she entered her bedroom with its softlyshaded lights her lace dressinggown lying across the silken bedspread her little embroidered slippers before the fire a vase of carnations filling the air with perfume and the last novels and magazines lying uncut on a table beside the readinglamp she had a vision of Miss Farishs cramped flat with its cheap conveniences and hideous wallpapers No she was not made for mean and shabby surroundings for the squalid compromises of poverty Her whole being dilated in an atmosphere of luxury it was the background she required the only climate she could breathe in But the luxury of others was not what she wanted A few years ago it had sufficed her she had taken her daily meed of pleasure without caring who provided it Now she was beginning to chafe at the obligations it imposed to feel herself a mere pensioner on the splendour which had once seemed to belong to her There were even moments when she was conscious of having to pay her way
For a long time she had refused to play bridge She knew she could not afford it and she was afraid of acquiring so expensive a taste She had seen the danger exemplified in more than one of her associates—in young Ned Silverton for instance the charming fair boy now seated in abject rapture at the elbow of Mrs Fisher a striking divorcee with eyes and gowns as emphatic as the headlines of her case Lily could remember when young Silverton had stumbled into their circle with the air of a strayed Arcadian who has published chamung Updaters note charming sonnets in his college journal Since then he had developed a taste for Mrs Fisher and bridge and the latter at least had involved him in expenses from which he had been more than once rescued by harassed maiden sisters who treasured the sonnets and went without sugar in their tea to keep their darling afloat Neds case was familiar to Lily she had seen his charming eyes—which had a good deal more poetry in them than the sonnets—change from surprise to amusement and from amusement to anxiety as he passed under the spell of the terrible god of chance and she was afraid of discovering the same symptoms in her own case
For in the last year she had found that her hostesses expected her to take a place at the cardtable It was one of the taxes she had to pay for their prolonged hospitality and for the dresses and trinkets which occasionally replenished her insufficient wardrobe And since she had played regularly the passion had grown on her Once or twice of late she had won a large sum and instead of keeping it against future losses had spent it in dress or jewelry and the desire to atone for this imprudence combined with the increasing exhilaration of the game drove her to risk higher stakes at each fresh venture She tried to excuse herself on the plea that in the Trenor set if one played at all one must either play high or be set down as priggish or stingy but she knew that the gambling passion was upon her and that in her present surroundings there was small hope of resisting it
Tonight the luck had been persistently bad and the little gold purse which hung among her trinkets was almost empty when she returned to her room She unlocked the wardrobe and taking out her jewelcase looked under the tray for the roll of bills from which she had replenished the purse before going down to dinner Only twenty dollars were left the discovery was so startling that for a moment she fancied she must have been robbed Then she took paper and pencil and seating herself at the writingtable tried to reckon up what she had spent during the day Her head was throbbing with fatigue and she had to go over the figures again and again but at last it became clear to her that she had lost three hundred dollars at cards She took out her chequebook to see if her balance was larger than she remembered but found she had erred in the other direction Then she returned to her calculations but figure as she would she could not conjure back the vanished three hundred dollars It was the sum she had set aside to pacify her dressmaker—unless she should decide to use it as a sop to the jeweller At any rate she had so many uses for it that its very insufficiency had caused her to play high in the hope of doubling it But of course she had lost—she who needed every penny while Bertha Dorset whose husband showered money on her must have pocketed at least five hundred and Judy Trenor who could have afforded to lose a thousand a night had left the table clutching such a heap of bills that she had been unable to shake hands with her guests when they bade her good night
A world in which such things could be seemed a miserable place to Lily Bart but then she had never been able to understand the laws of a universe which was so ready to leave her out of its calculations
She began to undress without ringing for her maid whom she had sent to bed She had been long enough in bondage to other peoples pleasure to be considerate of those who depended on hers and in her bitter moods it sometimes struck her that she and her maid were in the same position except that the latter received her wages more regularly
As she sat before the mirror brushing her hair her face looked hollow and pale and she was frightened by two little lines near her mouth faint flaws in the smooth curve of the cheek
Oh I must stop worrying she exclaimed Unless its the electric light—— she reflected springing up from her seat and lighting the candles on the dressingtable
She turned out the walllights and peered at herself between the candleflames The white oval of her face swam out waveringly from a background of shadows the uncertain light blurring it like a haze but the two lines about the mouth remained
Lily rose and undressed in haste
It is only because I am tired and have such odious things to think about she kept repeating and it seemed an added injustice that petty cares should leave a trace on the beauty which was her only defence against them
But the odious things were there and remained with her She returned wearily to the thought of Percy Gryce as a wayfarer picks up a heavy load and toils on after a brief rest She was almost sure she had landed him a few days work and she would win her reward But the reward itself seemed unpalatable just then she could get no zest from the thought of victory It would be a rest from worry no more—and how little that would have seemed to her a few years earlier Her ambitions had shrunk gradually in the desiccating air of failure But why had she failed Was it her own fault or that of destiny
She remembered how her mother after they had lost their money used to say to her with a kind of fierce vindictiveness But youll get it all back—youll get it all back with your face … The remembrance roused a whole train of association and she lay in the darkness reconstructing the past out of which her present had grown
A house in which no one ever dined at home unless there was company a doorbell perpetually ringing a halltable showered with square envelopes which were opened in haste and oblong envelopes which were allowed to gather dust in the depths of a bronze jar a series of French and English maids giving warning amid a chaos of hurriedlyransacked wardrobes and dressclosets an equally changing dynasty of nurses and footmen quarrels in the pantry the kitchen and the drawingroom precipitate trips to Europe and returns with gorged trunks and days of interminable unpacking semiannual discussions as to where the summer should be spent grey interludes of economy and brilliant reactions of expense—such was the setting of Lily Barts first memories
Ruling the turbulent element called home was the vigorous and determined figure of a mother still young enough to dance her balldresses to rags while the hazy outline of a neutraltinted father filled an intermediate space between the butler and the man who came to wind the clocks Even to the eyes of infancy Mrs Hudson Bart had appeared young but Lily could not recall the time when her father had not been bald and slightly stooping with streaks of grey in his hair and a tired walk It was a shock to her to learn afterward that he was but two years older than her mother
Lily seldom saw her father by daylight All day he was down town and in winter it was long after nightfall when she heard his fagged step on the stairs and his hand on the schoolroom door He would kiss her in silence and ask one or two questions of the nurse or the governess then Mrs Barts maid would come to remind him that he was dining out and he would hurry away with a nod to Lily In summer when he joined them for a Sunday at Newport or Southampton he was even more effaced and silent than in winter It seemed to tire him to rest and he would sit for hours staring at the sealine from a quiet corner of the verandah while the clatter of his wifes existence went on unheeded a few feet off Generally however Mrs Bart and Lily went to Europe for the summer and before the steamer was half way over Mr Bart had dipped below the horizon Sometimes his daughter heard him denounced for having neglected to forward Mrs Barts remittances but for the most part he was never mentioned or thought of till his patient stooping figure presented itself on the New York dock as a buffer between the magnitude of his wifes luggage and the restrictions of the American customhouse
In this desultory yet agitated fashion life went on through Lilys teens a zigzag broken course down which the family craft glided on a rapid current of amusement tugged at by the underflow of a perpetual need—the need of more money Lily could not recall the time when there had been money enough and in some vague way her father seemed always to blame for the deficiency It could certainly not be the fault of Mrs Bart who was spoken of by her friends as a wonderful manager Mrs Bart was famous for the unlimited effect she produced on limited means and to the lady and her acquaintances there was something heroic in living as though one were much richer than ones bankbook denoted
Lily was naturally proud of her mothers aptitude in this line she had been brought up in the faith that whatever it cost one must have a good cook and be what Mrs Bart called decently dressed Mrs Barts worst reproach to her husband was to ask him if he expected her to live like a pig and his replying in the negative was always regarded as a justification for cabling to Paris for an extra dress or two and telephoning to the jeweller that he might after all send home the turquoise bracelet which Mrs Bart had looked at that morning
Lily knew people who lived like pigs and their appearance and surroundings justified her mothers repugnance to that form of existence They were mostly cousins who inhabited dingy houses with engravings from Coles Voyage of Life on the drawingroom walls and slatternly parlourmaids who said Ill go and see to visitors calling at an hour when all rightminded persons are conventionally if not actually out The disgusting part of it was that many of these cousins were rich so that Lily imbibed the idea that if people lived like pigs it was from choice and through the lack of any proper standard of conduct This gave her a sense of reflected superiority and she did not need Mrs Barts comments on the family frumps and misers to foster her naturally lively taste for splendour
Lily was nineteen when circumstances caused her to revise her view of the universe
The previous year she had made a dazzling debut fringed by a heavy thundercloud of bills The light of the debut still lingered on the horizon but the cloud had thickened and suddenly it broke The suddenness added to the horror and there were still times when Lily relived with painful vividness every detail of the day on which the blow fell She and her mother had been seated at the luncheontable over the CHAUFROIX and cold salmon of the previous nights dinner it was one of Mrs Barts few economies to consume in private the expensive remnants of her hospitality Lily was feeling the pleasant languor which is youths penalty for dancing till dawn but her mother in spite of a few lines about the mouth and under the yellow waves on her temples was as alert determined and high in colour as if she had risen from an untroubled sleep
In the centre of the table between the melting MARRONS GLACES and candied cherries a pyramid of American Beauties lifted their vigorous stems they held their heads as high as Mrs Bart but their rosecolour had turned to a dissipated purple and Lilys sense of fitness was disturbed by their reappearance on the luncheontable
I really think mother she said reproachfully we might afford a few fresh flowers for luncheon Just some jonquils or liliesofthevalley—
Mrs Bart stared Her own fastidiousness had its eye fixed on the world and she did not care how the luncheontable looked when there was no one present at it but the family But she smiled at her daughters innocence
Liliesofthevalley she said calmly cost two dollars a dozen at this season
Lily was not impressed She knew very little of the value of money
It would not take more than six dozen to fill that bowl she argued
Six dozen what asked her fathers voice in the doorway
The two women looked up in surprise though it was a Saturday the sight of Mr Bart at luncheon was an unwonted one But neither his wife nor his daughter was sufficiently interested to ask an explanation
Mr Bart dropped into a chair and sat gazing absently at the fragment of jellied salmon which the butler had placed before him
I was only saying Lily began that I hate to see faded flowers at luncheon and mother says a bunch of liliesofthevalley would not cost more than twelve dollars Maynt I tell the florist to send a few every day
She leaned confidently toward her father he seldom refused her anything and Mrs Bart had taught her to plead with him when her own entreaties failed
Mr Bart sat motionless his gaze still fixed on the salmon and his lower jaw dropped he looked even paler than usual and his thin hair lay in untidy streaks on his forehead Suddenly he looked at his daughter and laughed The laugh was so strange that Lily coloured under it she disliked being ridiculed and her father seemed to see something ridiculous in the request Perhaps he thought it foolish that she should trouble him about such a trifle
Twelve dollars—twelve dollars a day for flowers Oh certainly my dear—give him an order for twelve hundred He continued to laugh
Mrs Bart gave him a quick glance
You neednt wait Poleworth—I will ring for you she said to the butler
The butler withdrew with an air of silent disapproval leaving the remains of the CHAUFROIX on the sideboard
What is the matter Hudson Are you ill said Mrs Bart severely
She had no tolerance for scenes which were not of her own making and it was odious to her that her husband should make a show of himself before the servants
Are you ill she repeated
Ill—— No Im ruined he said
Lily made a frightened sound and Mrs Bart rose to her feet
Ruined—— she cried but controlling herself instantly she turned a calm face to Lily
Shut the pantry door she said
Lily obeyed and when she turned back into the room her father was sitting with both elbows on the table the plate of salmon between them and his head bowed on his hands
Mrs Bart stood over him with a white face which made her hair unnaturally yellow She looked at Lily as the latter approached her look was terrible but her voice was modulated to a ghastly cheerfulness
Your father is not well—he doesnt know what he is saying It is nothing—but you had better go upstairs and dont talk to the servants she added
Lily obeyed she always obeyed when her mother spoke in that voice She had not been deceived by Mrs Barts words she knew at once that they were ruined In the dark hours which followed that awful fact overshadowed even her fathers slow and difficult dying To his wife he no longer counted he had become extinct when he ceased to fulfil his purpose and she sat at his side with the provisional air of a traveller who waits for a belated train to start Lilys feelings were softer she pitied him in a frightened ineffectual way But the fact that he was for the most part unconscious and that his attention when she stole into the room drifted away from her after a moment made him even more of a stranger than in the nursery days when he had never come home till after dark She seemed always to have seen him through a blur—first of sleepiness then of distance and indifference—and now the fog had thickened till he was almost indistinguishable If she could have performed any little services for him or have exchanged with him a few of those affecting words which an extensive perusal of fiction had led her to connect with such occasions the filial instinct might have stirred in her but her pity finding no active expression remained in a state of spectatorship overshadowed by her mothers grim unflagging resentment Every look and act of Mrs Barts seemed to say You are sorry for him now—but you will feel differently when you see what he has done to us
It was a relief to Lily when her father died
Then a long winter set in There was a little money left but to Mrs Bart it seemed worse than nothing—the mere mockery of what she was entitled to What was the use of living if one had to live like a pig She sank into a kind of furious apathy a state of inert anger against fate Her faculty for managing deserted her or she no longer took sufficient pride in it to exert it It was well enough to manage when by so doing one could keep ones own carriage but when ones best contrivance did not conceal the fact that one had to go on foot the effort was no longer worth making
Lily and her mother wandered from place to place now paying long visits to relations whose housekeeping Mrs Bart criticized and who deplored the fact that she let Lily breakfast in bed when the girl had no prospects before her and now vegetating in cheap continental refuges where Mrs Bart held herself fiercely aloof from the frugal teatables of her companions in misfortune She was especially careful to avoid her old friends and the scenes of her former successes To be poor seemed to her such a confession of failure that it amounted to disgrace and she detected a note of condescension in the friendliest advances
Only one thought consoled her and that was the contemplation of Lilys beauty She studied it with a kind of passion as though it were some weapon she had slowly fashioned for her vengeance It was the last asset in their fortunes the nucleus around which their life was to be rebuilt She watched it jealously as though it were her own property and Lily its mere custodian and she tried to instil into the latter a sense of the responsibility that such a charge involved She followed in imagination the career of other beauties pointing out to her daughter what might be achieved through such a gift and dwelling on the awful warning of those who in spite of it had failed to get what they wanted to Mrs Bart only stupidity could explain the lamentable denouement of some of her examples She was not above the inconsistency of charging fate rather than herself with her own misfortunes but she inveighed so acrimoniously against lovematches that Lily would have fancied her own marriage had been of that nature had not Mrs Bart frequently assured her that she had been talked into it—by whom she never made clear
Lily was duly impressed by the magnitude of her opportunities The dinginess of her present life threw into enchanting relief the existence to which she felt herself entitled To a less illuminated intelligence Mrs Barts counsels might have been dangerous but Lily understood that beauty is only the raw material of conquest and that to convert it into success other arts are required She knew that to betray any sense of superiority was a subtler form of the stupidity her mother denounced and it did not take her long to learn that a beauty needs more tact than the possessor of an average set of features
Her ambitions were not as crude as Mrs Barts It had been among that ladys grievances that her husband—in the early days before he was too tired—had wasted his evenings in what she vaguely described as reading poetry and among the effects packed off to auction after his death were a score or two of dingy volumes which had struggled for existence among the boots and medicine bottles of his dressingroom shelves There was in Lily a vein of sentiment perhaps transmitted from this source which gave an idealizing touch to her most prosaic purposes She liked to think of her beauty as a power for good as giving her the opportunity to attain a position where she should make her influence felt in the vague diffusion of refinement and good taste She was fond of pictures and flowers and of sentimental fiction and she could not help thinking that the possession of such tastes ennobled her desire for worldly advantages She would not indeed have cared to marry a man who was merely rich she was secretly ashamed of her mothers crude passion for money Lilys preference would have been for an English nobleman with political ambitions and vast estates or for second choice an Italian prince with a castle in the Apennines and an hereditary office in the Vatican Lost causes had a romantic charm for her and she liked to picture herself as standing aloof from the vulgar press of the Quirinal and sacrificing her pleasure to the claims of an immemorial tradition…
How long ago and how far off it all seemed Those ambitions were hardly more futile and childish than the earlier ones which had centred about the possession of a French jointed doll with real hair Was it only ten years since she had wavered in imagination between the English earl and the Italian prince Relentlessly her mind travelled on over the dreary interval…
After two years of hungry roaming Mrs Bart had died——died of a deep disgust She had hated dinginess and it was her fate to be dingy Her visions of a brilliant marriage for Lily had faded after the first year
People cant marry you if they dont see you—and how can they see you in these holes where were stuck That was the burden of her lament and her last adjuration to her daughter was to escape from dinginess if she could
Dont let it creep up on you and drag you down Fight your way out of it somehow—youre young and can do it she insisted
She had died during one of their brief visits to New York and there Lily at once became the centre of a family council composed of the wealthy relatives whom she had been taught to despise for living like pigs It may be that they had an inkling of the sentiments in which she had been brought up for none of them manifested a very lively desire for her company indeed the question threatened to remain unsolved till Mrs Peniston with a sigh announced Ill try her for a year
Every one was surprised but one and all concealed their surprise lest Mrs Peniston should be alarmed by it into reconsidering her decision
Mrs Peniston was Mr Barts widowed sister and if she was by no means the richest of the family group its other members nevertheless abounded in reasons why she was clearly destined by Providence to assume the charge of Lily In the first place she was alone and it would be charming for her to have a young companion Then she sometimes travelled and Lilys familiarity with foreign customs—deplored as a misfortune by her more conservative relatives—would at least enable her to act as a kind of courier But as a matter of fact Mrs Peniston had not been affected by these considerations She had taken the girl simply because no one else would have her and because she had the kind of moral MAUVAISE HONTE which makes the public display of selfishness difficult though it does not interfere with its private indulgence It would have been impossible for Mrs Peniston to be heroic on a desert island but with the eyes of her little world upon her she took a certain pleasure in her act
She reaped the reward to which disinterestedness is entitled and found an agreeable companion in her niece She had expected to find Lily headstrong critical and foreign—for even Mrs Peniston though she occasionally went abroad had the family dread of foreignness—but the girl showed a pliancy which to a more penetrating mind than her aunts might have been less reassuring than the open selfishness of youth Misfortune had made Lily supple instead of hardening her and a pliable substance is less easy to break than a stiff one
Mrs Peniston however did not suffer from her nieces adaptability Lily had no intention of taking advantage of her aunts good nature She was in truth grateful for the refuge offered her Mrs Penistons opulent interior was at least not externally dingy But dinginess is a quality which assumes all manner of disguises and Lily soon found that it was as latent in the expensive routine of her aunts life as in the makeshift existence of a continental pension
Mrs Peniston was one of the episodical persons who form the padding of life It was impossible to believe that she had herself ever been a focus of activities The most vivid thing about her was the fact that her grandmother had been a Van Alstyne This connection with the wellfed and industrious stock of early New York revealed itself in the glacial neatness of Mrs Penistons drawingroom and in the excellence of her cuisine She belonged to the class of old New Yorkers who have always lived well dressed expensively and done little else and to these inherited obligations Mrs Peniston faithfully conformed She had always been a lookeron at life and her mind resembled one of those little mirrors which her Dutch ancestors were accustomed to affix to their upper windows so that from the depths of an impenetrable domesticity they might see what was happening in the street
Mrs Peniston was the owner of a countryplace in New Jersey but she had never lived there since her husbands death—a remote event which appeared to dwell in her memory chiefly as a dividing point in the personal reminiscences that formed the staple of her conversation She was a woman who remembered dates with intensity and could tell at a moments notice whether the drawingroom curtains had been renewed before or after Mr Penistons last illness
Mrs Peniston thought the country lonely and trees damp and cherished a vague fear of meeting a bull To guard against such contingencies she frequented the more populous wateringplaces where she installed herself impersonally in a hired house and looked on at life through the matting screen of her verandah In the care of such a guardian it soon became clear to Lily that she was to enjoy only the material advantages of good food and expensive clothing and though far from underrating these she would gladly have exchanged them for what Mrs Bart had taught her to regard as opportunities She sighed to think what her mothers fierce energies would have accomplished had they been coupled with Mrs Penistons resources Lily had abundant energy of her own but it was restricted by the necessity of adapting herself to her aunts habits She saw that at all costs she must keep Mrs Penistons favour till as Mrs Bart would have phrased it she could stand on her own legs Lily had no mind for the vagabond life of the poor relation and to adapt herself to Mrs Peniston she had to some degree to assume that ladys passive attitude She had fancied at first that it would be easy to draw her aunt into the whirl of her own activities but there was a static force in Mrs Peniston against which her nieces efforts spent themselves in vain To attempt to bring her into active relation with life was like tugging at a piece of furniture which has been screwed to the floor She did not indeed expect Lily to remain equally immovable she had all the American guardians indulgence for the volatility of youth
She had indulgence also for certain other habits of her nieces It seemed to her natural that Lily should spend all her money on dress and she supplemented the girls scanty income by occasional handsome presents meant to be applied to the same purpose Lily who was intensely practical would have preferred a fixed allowance but Mrs Peniston liked the periodical recurrence of gratitude evoked by unexpected cheques and was perhaps shrewd enough to perceive that such a method of giving kept alive in her niece a salutary sense of dependence
Beyond this Mrs Peniston had not felt called upon to do anything for her charge she had simply stood aside and let her take the field Lily had taken it at first with the confidence of assured possessorship then with gradually narrowing demands till now she found herself actually struggling for a foothold on the broad space which had once seemed her own for the asking How it happened she did not yet know Sometimes she thought it was because Mrs Peniston had been too passive and again she feared it was because she herself had not been passive enough Had she shown an undue eagerness for victory Had she lacked patience pliancy and dissimulation Whether she charged herself with these faults or absolved herself from them made no difference in the sumtotal of her failure Younger and plainer girls had been married off by dozens and she was nineandtwenty and still Miss Bart
She was beginning to have fits of angry rebellion against fate when she longed to drop out of the race and make an independent life for herself But what manner of life would it be She had barely enough money to pay her dressmakers bills and her gambling debts and none of the desultory interests which she dignified with the name of tastes was pronounced enough to enable her to live contentedly in obscurity Ah no—she was too intelligent not to be honest with herself She knew that she hated dinginess as much as her mother had hated it and to her last breath she meant to fight against it dragging herself up again and again above its flood till she gained the bright pinnacles of success which presented such a slippery surface to her clutch
Chapter 4
The next morning on her breakfast tray Miss Bart found a note from her hostess
Dearest Lily it ran if it is not too much of a bore to be down by ten will you come to my sittingroom to help me with some tiresome things
Lily tossed aside the note and subsided on her pillows with a sigh It WAS a bore to be down by ten—an hour regarded at Bellomont as vaguely synchronous with sunrise—and she knew too well the nature of the tiresome things in question Miss Pragg the secretary had been called away and there would be notes and dinnercards to write lost addresses to hunt up and other social drudgery to perform It was understood that Miss Bart should fill the gap in such emergencies and she usually recognized the obligation without a murmur
Today however it renewed the sense of servitude which the previous nights review of her chequebook had produced Everything in her surroundings ministered to feelings of ease and amenity The windows stood open to the sparkling freshness of the September morning and between the yellow boughs she caught a perspective of hedges and parterres leading by degrees of lessening formality to the free undulations of the park Her maid had kindled a little fire on the hearth and it contended cheerfully with the sunlight which slanted across the mossgreen carpet and caressed the curved sides of an old marquetry desk Near the bed stood a table holding her breakfast tray with its harmonious porcelain and silver a handful of violets in a slender glass and the morning paper folded beneath her letters There was nothing new to Lily in these tokens of a studied luxury but though they formed a part of her atmosphere she never lost her sensitiveness to their charm Mere display left her with a sense of superior distinction but she felt an affinity to all the subtler manifestations of wealth
Mrs Trenors summons however suddenly recalled her state of dependence and she rose and dressed in a mood of irritability that she was usually too prudent to indulge She knew that such emotions leave lines on the face as well as in the character and she had meant to take warning by the little creases which her midnight survey had revealed
The matterofcourse tone of Mrs Trenors greeting deepened her irritation If one did drag ones self out of bed at such an hour and come down fresh and radiant to the monotony of notewriting some special recognition of the sacrifice seemed fitting But Mrs Trenors tone showed no consciousness of the fact
Oh Lily thats nice of you she merely sighed across the chaos of letters bills and other domestic documents which gave an incongruously commercial touch to the slender elegance of her writingtable
There are such lots of horrors this morning she added clearing a space in the centre of the confusion and rising to yield her seat to Miss Bart
Mrs Trenor was a tall fair woman whose height just saved her from redundancy Her rosy blondness had survived some forty years of futile activity without showing much trace of illusage except in a diminished play of feature It was difficult to define her beyond saying that she seemed to exist only as a hostess not so much from any exaggerated instinct of hospitality as because she could not sustain life except in a crowd The collective nature of her interests exempted her from the ordinary rivalries of her sex and she knew no more personal emotion than that of hatred for the woman who presumed to give bigger dinners or have more amusing houseparties than herself As her social talents backed by Mr Trenors bankaccount almost always assured her ultimate triumph in such competitions success had developed in her an unscrupulous good nature toward the rest of her sex and in Miss Barts utilitarian classification of her friends Mrs Trenor ranked as the woman who was least likely to go back on her
It was simply inhuman of Pragg to go off now Mrs Trenor declared as her friend seated herself at the desk She says her sister is going to have a baby—as if that were anything to having a houseparty Im sure I shall get most horribly mixed up and there will be some awful rows When I was down at Tuxedo I asked a lot of people for next week and Ive mislaid the list and cant remember who is coming And this week is going to be a horrid failure too—and Gwen Van Osburgh will go back and tell her mother how bored people were I did mean to ask the Wetheralls—that was a blunder of Guss They disapprove of Carry Fisher you know As if one could help having Carry Fisher It WAS foolish of her to get that second divorce—Carry always overdoes things—but she said the only way to get a penny out of Fisher was to divorce him and make him pay alimony And poor Carry has to consider every dollar Its really absurd of Alice Wetherall to make such a fuss about meeting her when one thinks of what society is coming to Some one said the other day that there was a divorce and a case of appendicitis in every family one knows Besides Carry is the only person who can keep Gus in a good humour when we have bores in the house Have you noticed that ALL the husbands like her All I mean except her own Its rather clever of her to have made a specialty of devoting herself to dull people—the field is such a large one and she has it practically to herself She finds compensations no doubt—I know she borrows money of Gus—but then Id PAY her to keep him in a good humour so I cant complain after all
Mrs Trenor paused to enjoy the spectacle of Miss Barts efforts to unravel her tangled correspondence
But it is only the Wetheralls and Carry she resumed with a fresh note of lament The truth is Im awfully disappointed in Lady Cressida Raith
Disappointed Had you known her before
Mercy no—never saw her till yesterday Lady Skiddaw sent her over with letters to the Van Osburghs and I heard that Maria Van Osburgh was asking a big party to meet her this week so I thought it would be fun to get her away and Jack Stepney who knew her in India managed it for me Maria was furious and actually had the impudence to make Gwen invite herself here so that they shouldnt be QUITE out of it—if Id known what Lady Cressida was like they could have had her and welcome But I thought any friend of the Skiddaws was sure to be amusing You remember what fun Lady Skiddaw was There were times when I simply had to send the girls out of the room Besides Lady Cressida is the Duchess of Beltshires sister and I naturally supposed she was the same sort but you never can tell in those English families They are so big that theres room for all kinds and it turns out that Lady Cressida is the moral one—married a clergyman and does missionary work in the East End Think of my taking such a lot of trouble about a clergymans wife who wears Indian jewelry and botanizes She made Gus take her all through the glasshouses yesterday and bothered him to death by asking him the names of the plants Fancy treating Gus as if he were the gardener
Mrs Trenor brought this out in a CRESCENDO of indignation
Oh well perhaps Lady Cressida will reconcile the Wetheralls to meeting Carry Fisher said Miss Bart pacifically
Im sure I hope so But she is boring all the men horribly and if she takes to distributing tracts as I hear she does it will be too depressing The worst of it is that she would have been so useful at the right time You know we have to have the Bishop once a year and she would have given just the right tone to things I always have horrid luck about the Bishops visits added Mrs Trenor whose present misery was being fed by a rapidly rising tide of reminiscence last year when he came Gus forgot all about his being here and brought home the Ned Wintons and the Farleys—five divorces and six sets of children between them
When is Lady Cressida going Lily enquired
Mrs Trenor cast up her eyes in despair My dear if one only knew I was in such a hurry to get her away from Maria that I actually forgot to name a date and Gus says she told some one she meant to stop here all winter
To stop here In this house
Dont be silly—in America But if no one else asks her—you know they NEVER go to hotels
Perhaps Gus only said it to frighten you
No—I heard her tell Bertha Dorset that she had six months to put in while her husband was taking the cure in the Engadine You should have seen Bertha look vacant But its no joke you know—if she stays here all the autumn shell spoil everything and Maria Van Osburgh will simply exult
At this affecting vision Mrs Trenors voice trembled with selfpity
Oh Judy—as if any one were ever bored at Bellomont Miss Bart tactfully protested You know perfectly well that if Mrs Van Osburgh were to get all the right people and leave you with all the wrong ones youd manage to make things go off and she wouldnt
Such an assurance would usually have restored Mrs Trenors complacency but on this occasion it did not chase the cloud from her brow
It isnt only Lady Cressida she lamented Everything has gone wrong this week I can see that Bertha Dorset is furious with me
Furious with you Why
Because I told her that Lawrence Selden was coming but he wouldnt after all and shes quite unreasonable enough to think its my fault
Miss Bart put down her pen and sat absently gazing at the note she had begun
I thought that was all over she said
So it is on his side And of course Bertha has been idle since But I fancy shes out of a job just at present—and some one gave me a hint that I had better ask Lawrence Well I DID ask him—but I couldnt make him come and now I suppose shell take it out of me by being perfectly nasty to every one else
Oh she may take it out of HIM by being perfectly charming—to some one else
Mrs Trenor shook her head dolefully She knows he wouldnt mind And who else is there Alice Wetherall wont let Lucius out of her sight Ned Silverton cant take his eyes off Carry Fisher—poor boy Gus is bored by Bertha Jack Stepney knows her too well—and—well to be sure theres Percy Gryce
She sat up smiling at the thought
Miss Barts countenance did not reflect the smile
Oh she and Mr Gryce would not be likely to hit it off
You mean that shed shock him and hed bore her Well thats not such a bad beginning you know But I hope she wont take it into her head to be nice to him for I asked him here on purpose for you
Lily laughed MERCI DU COMPLIMENT I should certainly have no show against Bertha
Do you think I am uncomplimentary Im not really you know Every one knows youre a thousand times handsomer and cleverer than Bertha but then youre not nasty And for always getting what she wants in the long run commend me to a nasty woman
Miss Bart stared in affected reproval I thought you were so fond of Bertha
Oh I am—its much safer to be fond of dangerous people But she IS dangerous—and if I ever saw her up to mischief its now I can tell by poor Georges manner That man is a perfect barometer—he always knows when Bertha is going to——
To fall Miss Bart suggested
Dont be shocking You know he believes in her still And of course I dont say theres any real harm in Bertha Only she delights in making people miserable and especially poor George
Well he seems cut out for the part—I dont wonder she likes more cheerful companionship
Oh George is not as dismal as you think If Bertha did worry him he would be quite different Or if shed leave him alone and let him arrange his life as he pleases But she doesnt dare lose her hold of him on account of the money and so when HE isnt jealous she pretends to be
Miss Bart went on writing in silence and her hostess sat following her train of thought with frowning intensity
Do you know she exclaimed after a long pause I believe Ill call up Lawrence on the telephone and tell him he simply MUST come
Oh dont said Lily with a quick suffusion of colour The blush surprised her almost as much as it did her hostess who though not commonly observant of facial changes sat staring at her with puzzled eyes
Good gracious Lily how handsome you are Why Do you dislike him so much
Not at all I like him But if you are actuated by the benevolent intention of protecting me from Bertha—I dont think I need your protection
Mrs Trenor sat up with an exclamation Lily——PERCY Do you mean to say youve actually done it
Miss Bart smiled I only mean to say that Mr Gryce and I are getting to be very good friends
Hm—I see Mrs Trenor fixed a rapt eye upon her You know they say he has eight hundred thousand a year—and spends nothing except on some rubbishy old books And his mother has heartdisease and will leave him a lot more OH LILY DO GO SLOWLY her friend adjured her
Miss Bart continued to smile without annoyance I shouldnt for instance she remarked be in any haste to tell him that he had a lot of rubbishy old books
No of course not I know youre wonderful about getting up peoples subjects But hes horribly shy and easily shocked and—and——
Why dont you say it Judy I have the reputation of being on the hunt for a rich husband
Oh I dont mean that he wouldnt believe it of you—at first said Mrs Trenor with candid shrewdness But you know things are rather lively here at times—I must give Jack and Gus a hint—and if he thought you were what his mother would call fast—oh well you know what I mean Dont wear your scarlet CREPEDECHINE for dinner and dont smoke if you can help it Lily dear
Lily pushed aside her finished work with a dry smile Youre very kind Judy Ill lock up my cigarettes and wear that last years dress you sent me this morning And if you are really interested in my career perhaps youll be kind enough not to ask me to play bridge again this evening
Bridge Does he mind bridge too Oh Lily what an awful life youll lead But of course I wont—why didnt you give me a hint last night Theres nothing I wouldnt do you poor duck to see you happy
And Mrs Trenor glowing with her sexs eagerness to smooth the course of true love enveloped Lily in a long embrace
Youre quite sure she added solicitously as the latter extricated herself that you wouldnt like me to telephone for Lawrence Selden
Quite sure said Lily
The next three days demonstrated to her own complete satisfaction Miss Barts ability to manage her affairs without extraneous aid
As she sat on the Saturday afternoon on the terrace at Bellomont she smiled at Mrs Trenors fear that she might go too fast If such a warning had ever been needful the years had taught her a salutary lesson and she flattered herself that she now knew how to adapt her pace to the object of pursuit In the case of Mr Gryce she had found it well to flutter ahead losing herself elusively and luring him on from depth to depth of unconscious intimacy The surrounding atmosphere was propitious to this scheme of courtship Mrs Trenor true to her word had shown no signs of expecting Lily at the bridgetable and had even hinted to the other cardplayers that they were to betray no surprise at her unwonted defection In consequence of this hint Lily found herself the centre of that feminine solicitude which envelops a young woman in the mating season A solitude was tacitly created for her in the crowded existence of Bellomont and her friends could not have shown a greater readiness for selfeffacement had her wooing been adorned with all the attributes of romance In Lilys set this conduct implied a sympathetic comprehension of her motives and Mr Gryce rose in her esteem as she saw the consideration he inspired
The terrace at Bellomont on a September afternoon was a spot propitious to sentimental musings and as Miss Bart stood leaning against the balustrade above the sunken garden at a little distance from the animated group about the teatable she might have been lost in the mazes of an inarticulate happiness In reality her thoughts were finding definite utterance in the tranquil recapitulation of the blessings in store for her From where she stood she could see them embodied in the form of Mr Gryce who in a light overcoat and muffler sat somewhat nervously on the edge of his chair while Carry Fisher with all the energy of eye and gesture with which nature and art had combined to endow her pressed on him the duty of taking part in the task of municipal reform
Mrs Fishers latest hobby was municipal reform It had been preceded by an equal zeal for socialism which had in turn replaced an energetic advocacy of Christian Science Mrs Fisher was small fiery and dramatic and her hands and eyes were admirable instruments in the service of whatever causes he happened to espouse She had however the fault common to enthusiasts of ignoring any slackness of response on the part of her hearers and Lily was amused by her unconsciousness of the resistance displayed in every angle of Mr Gryces attitude Lily herself knew that his mind was divided between the dread of catching cold if he remained out of doors too long at that hour and the fear that if he retreated to the house Mrs Fisher might follow him up with a paper to be signed Mr Gryce had a constitutional dislike to what he called committing himself and tenderly as he cherished his health he evidently concluded that it was safer to stay out of reach of pen and ink till chance released him from Mrs Fishers toils Meanwhile he cast agonized glances in the direction of Miss Bart whose only response was to sink into an attitude of more graceful abstraction She had learned the value of contrast in throwing her charms into relief and was fully aware of the extent to which Mrs Fishers volubility was enhancing her own repose
She was roused from her musings by the approach of her cousin Jack Stepney who at Gwen Van Osburghs side was returning across the garden from the tennis court
The couple in question were engaged in the same kind of romance in which Lily figured and the latter felt a certain annoyance in contemplating what seemed to her a caricature of her own situation Miss Van Osburgh was a large girl with flat surfaces and no high lights Jack Stepney had once said of her that she was as reliable as roast mutton His own taste was in the line of less solid and more highlyseasoned diet but hunger makes any fare palatable and there had been times when Mr Stepney had been reduced to a crust
Lily considered with interest the expression of their faces the girls turned toward her companions like an empty plate held up to be filled while the man lounging at her side already betrayed the encroaching boredom which would presently crack the thin veneer of his smile
How impatient men are Lily reflected All Jack has to do to get everything he wants is to keep quiet and let that girl marry him whereas I have to calculate and contrive and retreat and advance as if I were going through an intricate dance where one misstep would throw me hopelessly out of time
As they drew nearer she was whimsically struck by a kind of family likeness between Miss Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce There was no resemblance of feature Gryce was handsome in a didactic way—he looked like a clever pupils drawing from a plastercast—while Gwens countenance had no more modelling than a face painted on a toy balloon But the deeper affinity was unmistakable the two had the same prejudices and ideals and the same quality of making other standards nonexistent by ignoring them This attribute was common to most of Lilys set they had a force of negation which eliminated everything beyond their own range of perception Gryce and Miss Van Osburgh were in short made for each other by every law of moral and physical correspondence——Yet they wouldnt look at each other Lily mused they never do Each of them wants a creature of a different race of Jacks race and mine with all sorts of intuitions sensations and perceptions that they dont even guess the existence of And they always get what they want
She stood talking with her cousin and Miss Van Osburgh till a slight cloud on the latters brow advised her that even cousinly amenities were subject to suspicion and Miss Bart mindful of the necessity of not exciting enmities at this crucial point of her career dropped aside while the happy couple proceeded toward the teatable
Seating herself on the upper step of the terrace Lily leaned her head against the honeysuckles wreathing the balustrade The fragrance of the late blossoms seemed an emanation of the tranquil scene a landscape tutored to the last degree of rural elegance In the foreground glowed the warm tints of the gardens Beyond the lawn with its pyramidal palegold maples and velvety firs sloped pastures dotted with cattle and through a long glade the river widened like a lake under the silver light of September Lily did not want to join the circle about the teatable They represented the future she had chosen and she was content with it but in no haste to anticipate its joys The certainty that she could marry Percy Gryce when she pleased had lifted a heavy load from her mind and her money troubles were too recent for their removal not to leave a sense of relief which a less discerning intelligence might have taken for happiness Her vulgar cares were at an end She would be able to arrange her life as she pleased to soar into that empyrean of security where creditors cannot penetrate She would have smarter gowns than Judy Trenor and far far more jewels than Bertha Dorset She would be free forever from the shifts the expedients the humiliations of the relatively poor Instead of having to flatter she would be flattered instead of being grateful she would receive thanks There were old scores she could pay off as well as old benefits she could return And she had no doubts as to the extent of her power She knew that Mr Gryce was of the small chary type most inaccessible to impulses and emotions He had the kind of character in which prudence is a vice and good advice the most dangerous nourishment But Lily had known the species before she was aware that such a guarded nature must find one huge outlet of egoism and she determined to be to him what his Americana had hitherto been the one possession in which he took sufficient pride to spend money on it She knew that this generosity to self is one of the forms of meanness and she resolved so to identify herself with her husbands vanity that to gratify her wishes would be to him the most exquisite form of selfindulgence The system might at first necessitate a resort to some of the very shifts and expedients from which she intended it should free her but she felt sure that in a short time she would be able to play the game in her own way How should she have distrusted her powers Her beauty itself was not the mere ephemeral possession it might have been in the hands of inexperience her skill in enhancing it the care she took of it the use she made of it seemed to give it a kind of permanence She felt she could trust it to carry her through to the end
And the end on the whole was worthwhile Life was not the mockery she had thought it three days ago There was room for her after all in this crowded selfish world of pleasure whence so short a time since her poverty had seemed to exclude her These people whom she had ridiculed and yet envied were glad to make a place for her in the charmed circle about which all her desires revolved They were not as brutal and selfengrossed as she had fancied—or rather since it would no longer be necessary to flatter and humour them that side of their nature became less conspicuous Society is a revolving body which is apt to be judged according to its place in each mans heaven and at present it was turning its illuminated face to Lily
In the rosy glow it diffused her companions seemed full of amiable qualities She liked their elegance their lightness their lack of emphasis even the selfassurance which at times was so like obtuseness now seemed the natural sign of social ascendency They were lords of the only world she cared for and they were ready to admit her to their ranks and let her lord it with them Already she felt within her a stealing allegiance to their standards an acceptance of their limitations a disbelief in the things they did not believe in a contemptuous pity for the people who were not able to live as they lived
The early sunset was slanting across the park Through the boughs of the long avenue beyond the gardens she caught the flash of wheels and divined that more visitors were approaching There was a movement behind her a scattering of steps and voices it was evident that the party about the teatable was breaking up Presently she heard a tread behind her on the terrace She supposed that Mr Gryce had at last found means to escape from his predicament and she smiled at the significance of his coming to join her instead of beating an instant retreat to the fireside
She turned to give him the welcome which such gallantry deserved but her greeting wavered into a blush of wonder for the man who had approached her was Lawrence Selden
You see I came after all he said but before she had time to answer Mrs Dorset breaking away from a lifeless colloquy with her host had stepped between them with a little gesture of appropriation
Chapter 5
The observance of Sunday at Bellomont was chiefly marked by the punctual appearance of the smart omnibus destined to convey the household to the little church at the gates Whether any one got into the omnibus or not was a matter of secondary importance since by standing there it not only bore witness to the orthodox intentions of the family but made Mrs Trenor feel when she finally heard it drive away that she had somehow vicariously made use of it
It was Mrs Trenors theory that her daughters actually did go to church every Sunday but their French governesss convictions calling her to the rival fane and the fatigues of the week keeping their mother in her room till luncheon there was seldom any one present to verify the fact Now and then in a spasmodic burst of virtue—when the house had been too uproarious over night—Gus Trenor forced his genial bulk into a tight frockcoat and routed his daughters from their slumbers but habitually as Lily explained to Mr Gryce this parental duty was forgotten till the church bells were ringing across the park and the omnibus had driven away empty
Lily had hinted to Mr Gryce that this neglect of religious observances was repugnant to her early traditions and that during her visits to Bellomont she regularly accompanied Muriel and Hilda to church This tallied with the assurance also confidentially imparted that never having played bridge before she had been dragged into it on the night of her arrival and had lost an appalling amount of money in consequence of her ignorance of the game and of the rules of betting Mr Gryce was undoubtedly enjoying Bellomont He liked the ease and glitter of the life and the lustre conferred on him by being a member of this group of rich and conspicuous people But he thought it a very materialistic society there were times when he was frightened by the talk of the men and the looks of the ladies and he was glad to find that Miss Bart for all her ease and selfpossession was not at home in so ambiguous an atmosphere For this reason he had been especially pleased to learn that she would as usual attend the young Trenors to church on Sunday morning and as he paced the gravel sweep before the door his light overcoat on his arm and his prayerbook in one carefullygloved hand he reflected agreeably on the strength of character which kept her true to her early training in surroundings so subversive to religious principles
For a long time Mr Gryce and the omnibus had the gravel sweep to themselves but far from regretting this deplorable indifference on the part of the other guests he found himself nourishing the hope that Miss Bart might be unaccompanied The precious minutes were flying however the big chestnuts pawed the ground and flecked their impatient sides with foam the coachman seemed to be slowly petrifying on the box and the groom on the doorstep and still the lady did not come Suddenly however there was a sound of voices and a rustle of skirts in the doorway and Mr Gryce restoring his watch to his pocket turned with a nervous start but it was only to find himself handing Mrs Wetherall into the carriage
The Wetheralls always went to church They belonged to the vast group of human automata who go through life without neglecting to perform a single one of the gestures executed by the surrounding puppets It is true that the Bellomont puppets did not go to church but others equally important did—and Mr and Mrs Wetheralls circle was so large that God was included in their visitinglist They appeared therefore punctual and resigned with the air of people bound for a dull At Home and after them Hilda and Muriel straggled yawning and pinning each others veils and ribbons as they came They had promised Lily to go to church with her they declared and Lily was such a dear old duck that they didnt mind doing it to please her though they couldnt fancy what had put the idea in her head and though for their own part they would much rather have played lawn tennis with Jack and Gwen if she hadnt told them she was coming The Misses Trenor were followed by Lady Cressida Raith a weatherbeaten person in Liberty silk and ethnological trinkets who on seeing the omnibus expressed her surprise that they were not to walk across the park but at Mrs Wetheralls horrified protest that the church was a mile away her ladyship after a glance at the height of the others heels acquiesced in the necessity of driving and poor Mr Gryce found himself rolling off between four ladies for whose spiritual welfare he felt not the least concern
It might have afforded him some consolation could he have known that Miss Bart had really meant to go to church She had even risen earlier than usual in the execution of her purpose She had an idea that the sight of her in a grey gown of devotional cut with her famous lashes drooped above a prayerbook would put the finishing touch to Mr Gryces subjugation and render inevitable a certain incident which she had resolved should form a part of the walk they were to take together after luncheon Her intentions in short had never been more definite but poor Lily for all the hard glaze of her exterior was inwardly as malleable as wax Her faculty for adapting herself for entering into other peoples feelings if it served her now and then in small contingencies hampered her in the decisive moments of life She was like a waterplant in the flux of the tides and today the whole current of her mood was carrying her toward Lawrence Selden Why had he come Was it to see herself or Bertha Dorset It was the last question which at that moment should have engaged her She might better have contented herself with thinking that he had simply responded to the despairing summons of his hostess anxious to interpose him between herself and the illhumour of Mrs Dorset But Lily had not rested till she learned from Mrs Trenor that Selden had come of his own accord He didnt even wire me—he just happened to find the trap at the station Perhaps its not over with Bertha after all Mrs Trenor musingly concluded and went away to arrange her dinnercards accordingly
Perhaps it was not Lily reflected but it should be soon unless she had lost her cunning If Selden had come at Mrs Dorsets call it was at her own that he would stay So much the previous evening had told her Mrs Trenor true to her simple principle of making her married friends happy had placed Selden and Mrs Dorset next to each other at dinner but in obedience to the timehonoured traditions of the matchmaker she had separated Lily and Mr Gryce sending in the former with George Dorset while Mr Gryce was coupled with Gwen Van Osburgh
George Dorsets talk did not interfere with the range of his neighbours thoughts He was a mournful dyspeptic intent on finding out the deleterious ingredients of every dish and diverted from this care only by the sound of his wifes voice On this occasion however Mrs Dorset took no part in the general conversation She sat talking in low murmurs with Selden and turning a contemptuous and denuded shoulder toward her host who far from resenting his exclusion plunged into the excesses of the MENU with the joyous irresponsibility of a free man To Mr Dorset however his wifes attitude was a subject of such evident concern that when he was not scraping the sauce from his fish or scooping the moist breadcrumbs from the interior of his roll he sat straining his thin neck for a glimpse of her between the lights
Mrs Trenor as it chanced had placed the husband and wife on opposite sides of the table and Lily was therefore able to observe Mrs Dorset also and by carrying her glance a few feet farther to set up a rapid comparison between Lawrence Selden and Mr Gryce It was that comparison which was her undoing Why else had she suddenly grown interested in Selden She had known him for eight years or more ever since her return to America he had formed a part of her background She had always been glad to sit next to him at dinner had found him more agreeable than most men and had vaguely wished that he possessed the other qualities needful to fix her attention but till now she had been too busy with her own affairs to regard him as more than one of the pleasant accessories of life Miss Bart was a keen reader of her own heart and she saw that her sudden preoccupation with Selden was due to the fact that his presence shed a new light on her surroundings Not that he was notably brilliant or exceptional in his own profession he was surpassed by more than one man who had bored Lily through many a weary dinner It was rather that he had preserved a certain social detachment a happy air of viewing the show objectively of having points of contact outside the great gilt cage in which they were all huddled for the mob to gape at How alluring the world outside the cage appeared to Lily as she heard its door clang on her In reality as she knew the door never clanged it stood always open but most of the captives were like flies in a bottle and having once flown in could never regain their freedom It was Seldens distinction that he had never forgotten the way out
That was the secret of his way of readjusting her vision Lily turning her eyes from him found herself scanning her little world through his retina it was as though the pink lamps had been shut off and the dusty daylight let in She looked down the long table studying its occupants one by one from Gus Trenor with his heavy carnivorous head sunk between his shoulders as he preyed on a jellied plover to his wife at the opposite end of the long bank of orchids suggestive with her glaring goodlooks of a jewellers window lit by electricity And between the two what a long stretch of vacuity How dreary and trivial these people were Lily reviewed them with a scornful impatience Carry Fisher with her shoulders her eyes her divorces her general air of embodying a spicy paragraph young Silverton who had meant to live on proofreading and write an epic and who now lived on his friends and had become critical of truffles Alice Wetherall an animated visitinglist whose most fervid convictions turned on the wording of invitations and the engraving of dinnercards Wetherall with his perpetual nervous nod of acquiescence his air of agreeing with people before he knew what they were saying Jack Stepney with his confident smile and anxious eyes half way between the sheriff and an heiress Gwen Van Osburgh with all the guileless confidence of a young girl who has always been told that there is no one richer than her father
Lily smiled at her classification of her friends How different they had seemed to her a few hours ago Then they had symbolized what she was gaining now they stood for what she was giving up That very afternoon they had seemed full of brilliant qualities now she saw that they were merely dull in a loud way Under the glitter of their opportunities she saw the poverty of their achievement It was not that she wanted them to be more disinterested but she would have liked them to be more picturesque And she had a shamed recollection of the way in which a few hours since she had felt the centripetal force of their standards She closed her eyes an instant and the vacuous routine of the life she had chosen stretched before her like a long white road without dip or turning it was true she was to roll over it in a carriage instead of trudging it on foot but sometimes the pedestrian enjoys the diversion of a short cut which is denied to those on wheels
She was roused by a chuckle which Mr Dorset seemed to eject from the depths of his lean throat
I say do look at her he exclaimed turning to Miss Bart with lugubrious merriment—I beg your pardon but do just look at my wife making a fool of that poor devil over there One would really suppose she was gone on him—and its all the other way round I assure you
Thus adjured Lily turned her eyes on the spectacle which was affording Mr Dorset such legitimate mirth It certainly appeared as he said that Mrs Dorset was the more active participant in the scene her neighbour seemed to receive her advances with a temperate zest which did not distract him from his dinner The sight restored Lilys good humour and knowing the peculiar disguise which Mr Dorsets marital fears assumed she asked gaily Arent you horribly jealous of her
Dorset greeted the sally with delight Oh abominably—youve just hit it—keeps me awake at night The doctors tell me thats what has knocked my digestion out—being so infernally jealous of her—I cant eat a mouthful of this stuff you know he added suddenly pushing back his plate with a clouded countenance and Lily unfailingly adaptable accorded her radiant attention to his prolonged denunciation of other peoples cooks with a supplementary tirade on the toxic qualities of melted butter
It was not often that he found so ready an ear and being a man as well as a dyspeptic it may be that as he poured his grievances into it he was not insensible to its rosy symmetry At any rate he engaged Lily so long that the sweets were being handed when she caught a phrase on her other side where Miss Corby the comic woman of the company was bantering Jack Stepney on his approaching engagement Miss Corbys role was jocularity she always entered the conversation with a handspring
And of course youll have Sim Rosedale as best man Lily heard her fling out as the climax of her prognostications and Stepney responded as if struck Jove thats an idea What a thumping present Id get out of him
SIM ROSEDALE The name made more odious by its diminutive obtruded itself on Lilys thoughts like a leer It stood for one of the many hated possibilities hovering on the edge of life If she did not marry Percy Gryce the day might come when she would have to be civil to such men as Rosedale IF SHE DID NOT MARRY HIM But she meant to marry him—she was sure of him and sure of herself She drew back with a shiver from the pleasant paths in which her thoughts had been straying and set her feet once more in the middle of the long white road When she went upstairs that night she found that the late post had brought her a fresh batch of bills Mrs Peniston who was a conscientious woman had forwarded them all to Bellomont
Miss Bart accordingly rose the next morning with the most earnest conviction that it was her duty to go to church She tore herself betimes from the lingering enjoyment of her breakfasttray rang to have her grey gown laid out and despatched her maid to borrow a prayerbook from Mrs Trenor
But her course was too purely reasonable not to contain the germs of rebellion No sooner were her preparations made than they roused a smothered sense of resistance A small spark was enough to kindle Lilys imagination and the sight of the grey dress and the borrowed prayerbook flashed a long light down the years She would have to go to church with Percy Gryce every Sunday They would have a front pew in the most expensive church in New York and his name would figure handsomely in the list of parish charities In a few years when he grew stouter he would be made a warden Once in the winter the rector would come to dine and her husband would beg her to go over the list and see that no DIVORCEES were included except those who had showed signs of penitence by being remarried to the very wealthy There was nothing especially arduous in this round of religious obligations but it stood for a fraction of that great bulk of boredom which loomed across her path And who could consent to be bored on such a morning Lily had slept well and her bath had filled her with a pleasant glow which was becomingly reflected in the clear curve of her cheek No lines were visible this morning or else the glass was at a happier angle
And the day was the accomplice of her mood it was a day for impulse and truancy The light air seemed full of powdered gold below the dewy bloom of the lawns the woodlands blushed and smouldered and the hills across the river swam in molten blue Every drop of blood in Lilys veins invited her to happiness
The sound of wheels roused her from these musings and leaning behind her shutters she saw the omnibus take up its freight She was too late then—but the fact did not alarm her A glimpse of Mr Gryces crestfallen face even suggested that she had done wisely in absenting herself since the disappointment he so candidly betrayed would surely whet his appetite for the afternoon walk That walk she did not mean to miss one glance at the bills on her writingtable was enough to recall its necessity But meanwhile she had the morning to herself and could muse pleasantly on the disposal of its hours She was familiar enough with the habits of Bellomont to know that she was likely to have a free field till luncheon She had seen the Wetheralls the Trenor girls and Lady Cressida packed safely into the omnibus Judy Trenor was sure to be having her hair shampooed Carry Fisher had doubtless carried off her host for a drive Ned Silverton was probably smoking the cigarette of young despair in his bedroom and Kate Corby was certain to be playing tennis with Jack Stepney and Miss Van Osburgh Of the ladies this left only Mrs Dorset unaccounted for and Mrs Dorset never came down till luncheon her doctors she averred had forbidden her to expose herself to the crude air of the morning
To the remaining members of the party Lily gave no special thought wherever they were they were not likely to interfere with her plans These for the moment took the shape of assuming a dress somewhat more rustic and summerlike in style than the garment she had first selected and rustling downstairs sunshade in hand with the disengaged air of a lady in quest of exercise The great hall was empty but for the knot of dogs by the fire who taking in at a glance the outdoor aspect of Miss Bart were upon her at once with lavish offers of companionship She put aside the ramming paws which conveyed these offers and assuring the joyous volunteers that she might presently have a use for their company sauntered on through the empty drawingroom to the library at the end of the house The library was almost the only surviving portion of the old manorhouse of Bellomont a long spacious room revealing the traditions of the mothercountry in its classicallycased doors the Dutch tiles of the chimney and the elaborate hobgrate with its shining brass urns A few family portraits of lanternjawed gentlemen in tiewigs and ladies with large headdresses and small bodies hung between the shelves lined with pleasantlyshabby books books mostly contemporaneous with the ancestors in question and to which the subsequent Trenors had made no perceptible additions The library at Bellomont was in fact never used for reading though it had a certain popularity as a smokingroom or a quiet retreat for flirtation It had occurred to Lily however that it might on this occasion have been resorted to by the only member of the party in the least likely to put it to its original use She advanced noiselessly over the dense old rug scattered with easychairs and before she reached the middle of the room she saw that she had not been mistaken Lawrence Selden was in fact seated at its farther end but though a book lay on his knee his attention was not engaged with it but directed to a lady whose laceclad figure as she leaned back in an adjoining chair detached itself with exaggerated slimness against the dusky leather upholstery
Lily paused as she caught sight of the group for a moment she seemed about to withdraw but thinking better of this she announced her approach by a slight shake of her skirts which made the couple raise their heads Mrs Dorset with a look of frank displeasure and Selden with his usual quiet smile The sight of his composure had a disturbing effect on Lily but to be disturbed was in her case to make a more brilliant effort at selfpossession
Dear me am I late she asked putting a hand in his as he advanced to greet her
Late for what enquired Mrs Dorset tartly Not for luncheon certainly—but perhaps you had an earlier engagement
Yes I had said Lily confidingly
Really Perhaps I am in the way then But Mr Selden is entirely at your disposal Mrs Dorset was pale with temper and her antagonist felt a certain pleasure in prolonging her distress
Oh dear no—do stay she said goodhumouredly I dont in the least want to drive you away
Youre awfully good dear but I never interfere with Mr Seldens engagements
The remark was uttered with a little air of proprietorship not lost on its object who concealed a faint blush of annoyance by stooping to pick up the book he had dropped at Lilys approach The latters eyes widened charmingly and she broke into a light laugh
But I have no engagement with Mr Selden My engagement was to go to church and Im afraid the omnibus has started without me HAS it started do you know
She turned to Selden who replied that he had heard it drive away some time since
Ah then I shall have to walk I promised Hilda and Muriel to go to church with them Its too late to walk there you say Well I shall have the credit of trying at any rate—and the advantage of escaping part of the service Im not so sorry for myself after all
And with a bright nod to the couple on whom she had intruded Miss Bart strolled through the glass doors and carried her rustling grace down the long perspective of the garden walk
She was taking her way churchward but at no very quick pace a fact not lost on one of her observers who stood in the doorway looking after her with an air of puzzled amusement The truth is that she was conscious of a somewhat keen shock of disappointment All her plans for the day had been built on the assumption that it was to see her that Selden had come to Bellomont She had expected when she came downstairs to find him on the watch for her and she had found him instead in a situation which might well denote that he had been on the watch for another lady Was it possible after all that he had come for Bertha Dorset The latter had acted on the assumption to the extent of appearing at an hour when she never showed herself to ordinary mortals and Lily for the moment saw no way of putting her in the wrong It did not occur to her that Selden might have been actuated merely by the desire to spend a Sunday out of town women never learn to dispense with the sentimental motive in their judgments of men But Lily was not easily disconcerted competition put her on her mettle and she reflected that Seldens coming if it did not declare him to be still in Mrs Dorsets toils showed him to be so completely free from them that he was not afraid of her proximity
These thoughts so engaged her that she fell into a gait hardly likely to carry her to church before the sermon and at length having passed from the gardens to the woodpath beyond so far forgot her intention as to sink into a rustic seat at a bend of the walk The spot was charming and Lily was not insensible to the charm or to the fact that her presence enhanced it but she was not accustomed to taste the joys of solitude except in company and the combination of a handsome girl and a romantic scene struck her as too good to be wasted No one however appeared to profit by the opportunity and after a half hour of fruitless waiting she rose and wandered on She felt a stealing sense of fatigue as she walked the sparkle had died out of her and the taste of life was stale on her lips She hardly knew what she had been seeking or why the failure to find it had so blotted the light from her sky she was only aware of a vague sense of failure of an inner isolation deeper than the loneliness about her
Her footsteps flagged and she stood gazing listlessly ahead digging the ferny edge of the path with the tip of her sunshade As she did so a step sounded behind her and she saw Selden at her side
How fast you walk he remarked I thought I should never catch up with you
She answered gaily You must be quite breathless Ive been sitting under that tree for an hour
Waiting for me I hope he rejoined and she said with a vague laugh
Well—waiting to see if you would come
I seize the distinction but I dont mind it since doing the one involved doing the other But werent you sure that I should come
If I waited long enough—but you see I had only a limited time to give to the experiment
Why limited Limited by luncheon
No by my other engagement
Your engagement to go to church with Muriel and Hilda
No but to come home from church with another person
Ah I see I might have known you were fully provided with alternatives And is the other person coming home this way
Lily laughed again Thats just what I dont know and to find out it is my business to get to church before the service is over
Exactly and it is my business to prevent your doing so in which case the other person piqued by your absence will form the desperate resolve of driving back in the omnibus
Lily received this with fresh appreciation his nonsense was like the bubbling of her inner mood Is that what you would do in such an emergency she enquired
Selden looked at her with solemnity I am here to prove to you he cried what I am capable of doing in an emergency
Walking a mile in an hour—you must own that the omnibus would be quicker
Ah—but will he find you in the end Thats the only test of success
They looked at each other with the same luxury of enjoyment that they had felt in exchanging absurdities over his teatable but suddenly Lilys face changed and she said Well if it is he has succeeded
Selden following her glance perceived a party of people advancing toward them from the farther bend of the path Lady Cressida had evidently insisted on walking home and the rest of the churchgoers had thought it their duty to accompany her Lilys companion looked rapidly from one to the other of the two men of the party Wetherall walking respectfully at Lady Cressidas side with his little sidelong look of nervous attention and Percy Gryce bringing up the rear with Mrs Wetherall and the Trenors
Ah—now I see why you were getting up your Americana Selden exclaimed with a note of the freest admiration but the blush with which the sally was received checked whatever amplifications he had meant to give it
That Lily Bart should object to being bantered about her suitors or even about her means of attracting them was so new to Selden that he had a momentary flash of surprise which lit up a number of possibilities but she rose gallantly to the defence of her confusion by saying as its object approached That was why I was waiting for you—to thank you for having given me so many points
Ah you can hardly do justice to the subject in such a short time said Selden as the Trenor girls caught sight of Miss Bart and while she signalled a response to their boisterous greeting he added quickly Wont you devote your afternoon to it You know I must be off tomorrow morning Well take a walk and you can thank me at your leisure
Chapter 6
The afternoon was perfect A deeper stillness possessed the air and the glitter of the American autumn was tempered by a haze which diffused the brightness without dulling it
In the woody hollows of the park there was already a faint chill but as the ground rose the air grew lighter and ascending the long slopes beyond the highroad Lily and her companion reached a zone of lingering summer The path wound across a meadow with scattered trees then it dipped into a lane plumed with asters and purpling sprays of bramble whence through the light quiver of ashleaves the country unrolled itself in pastoral distances
Higher up the lane showed thickening tufts of fern and of the creeping glossy verdure of shaded slopes trees began to overhang it and the shade deepened to the checkered dusk of a beechgrove The boles of the trees stood well apart with only a light feathering of undergrowth the path wound along the edge of the wood now and then looking out on a sunlit pasture or on an orchard spangled with fruit
Lily had no real intimacy with nature but she had a passion for the appropriate and could be keenly sensitive to a scene which was the fitting background of her own sensations The landscape outspread below her seemed an enlargement of her present mood and she found something of herself in its calmness its breadth its long free reaches On the nearer slopes the sugarmaples wavered like pyres of light lower down was a massing of grey orchards and here and there the lingering green of an oakgrove Two or three red farmhouses dozed under the appletrees and the white wooden spire of a village church showed beyond the shoulder of the hill while far below in a haze of dust the highroad ran between the fields
Let us sit here Selden suggested as they reached an open ledge of rock above which the beeches rose steeply between mossy boulders
Lily dropped down on the rock glowing with her long climb She sat quiet her lips parted by the stress of the ascent her eyes wandering peacefully over the broken ranges of the landscape Selden stretched himself on the grass at her feet tilting his hat against the level sunrays and clasping his hands behind his head which rested against the side of the rock He had no wish to make her talk her quickbreathing silence seemed a part of the general hush and harmony of things In his own mind there was only a lazy sense of pleasure veiling the sharp edges of sensation as the September haze veiled the scene at their feet But Lily though her attitude was as calm as his was throbbing inwardly with a rush of thoughts There were in her at the moment two beings one drawing deep breaths of freedom and exhilaration the other gasping for air in a little black prisonhouse of fears But gradually the captives gasps grew fainter or the other paid less heed to them the horizon expanded the air grew stronger and the free spirit quivered for flight
She could not herself have explained the sense of buoyancy which seemed to lift and swing her above the sunsuffused world at her feet Was it love she wondered or a mere fortuitous combination of happy thoughts and sensations How much of it was owing to the spell of the perfect afternoon the scent of the fading woods the thought of the dulness she had fled from Lily had no definite experience by which to test the quality of her feelings She had several times been in love with fortunes or careers but only once with a man That was years ago when she first came out and had been smitten with a romantic passion for a young gentleman named Herbert Melson who had blue eyes and a little wave in his hair Mr Melson who was possessed of no other negotiable securities had hastened to employ these in capturing the eldest Miss Van Osburgh since then he had grown stout and wheezy and was given to telling anecdotes about his children If Lily recalled this early emotion it was not to compare it with that which now possessed her the only point of comparison was the sense of lightness of emancipation which she remembered feeling in the whirl of a waltz or the seclusion of a conservatory during the brief course of her youthful romance She had not known again till today that lightness that glow of freedom but now it was something more than a blind groping of the blood The peculiar charm of her feeling for Selden was that she understood it she could put her finger on every link of the chain that was drawing them together Though his popularity was of the quiet kind felt rather than actively expressed among his friends she had never mistaken his inconspicuousness for obscurity His reputed cultivation was generally regarded as a slight obstacle to easy intercourse but Lily who prided herself on her broadminded recognition of literature and always carried an Omar Khayam in her travellingbag was attracted by this attribute which she felt would have had its distinction in an older society It was moreover one of his gifts to look his part to have a height which lifted his head above the crowd and the keenlymodelled dark features which in a land of amorphous types gave him the air of belonging to a more specialized race of carrying the impress of a concentrated past Expansive persons found him a little dry and very young girls thought him sarcastic but this air of friendly aloofness as far removed as possible from any assertion of personal advantage was the quality which piqued Lilys interest Everything about him accorded with the fastidious element in her taste even to the light irony with which he surveyed what seemed to her most sacred She admired him most of all perhaps for being able to convey as distinct a sense of superiority as the richest man she had ever met
It was the unconscious prolongation of this thought which led her to say presently with a laugh I have broken two engagements for you today How many have you broken for me
None said Selden calmly My only engagement at Bellomont was with you
She glanced down at him faintly smiling
Did you really come to Bellomont to see me
Of course I did
Her look deepened meditatively Why she murmured with an accent which took all tinge of coquetry from the question
Because youre such a wonderful spectacle I always like to see what you are doing
How do you know what I should be doing if you were not here
Selden smiled I dont flatter myself that my coming has deflected your course of action by a hairs breadth
Thats absurd—since if you were not here I could obviously not be taking a walk with you
No but your taking a walk with me is only another way of making use of your material You are an artist and I happen to be the bit of colour you are using today Its a part of your cleverness to be able to produce premeditated effects extemporaneously
Lily smiled also his words were too acute not to strike her sense of humour It was true that she meant to use the accident of his presence as part of a very definite effect or that at least was the secret pretext she had found for breaking her promise to walk with Mr Gryce She had sometimes been accused of being too eager—even Judy Trenor had warned her to go slowly Well she would not be too eager in this case she would give her suitor a longer taste of suspense Where duty and inclination jumped together it was not in Lilys nature to hold them asunder She had excused herself from the walk on the plea of a headache the horrid headache which in the morning had prevented her venturing to church Her appearance at luncheon justified the excuse She looked languid full of a suffering sweetness she carried a scentbottle in her hand Mr Gryce was new to such manifestations he wondered rather nervously if she were delicate having farreaching fears about the future of his progeny But sympathy won the day and he besought her not to expose herself he always connected the outer air with ideas of exposure
Lily had received his sympathy with languid gratitude urging him since she should be such poor company to join the rest of the party who after luncheon were starting in automobiles on a visit to the Van Osburghs at Peekskill Mr Gryce was touched by her disinterestedness and to escape from the threatened vacuity of the afternoon had taken her advice and departed mournfully in a dusthood and goggles as the motorcar plunged down the avenue she smiled at his resemblance to a baffled beetle Selden had watched her manoeuvres with lazy amusement She had made no reply to his suggestion that they should spend the afternoon together but as her plan unfolded itself he felt fairly confident of being included in it The house was empty when at length he heard her step on the stair and strolled out of the billiardroom to join her
She had on a hat and walkingdress and the dogs were bounding at her feet
I thought after all the air might do me good she explained and he agreed that so simple a remedy was worth trying
The excursionists would be gone at least four hours Lily and Selden had the whole afternoon before them and the sense of leisure and safety gave the last touch of lightness to her spirit With so much time to talk and no definite object to be led up to she could taste the rare joys of mental vagrancy
She felt so free from ulterior motives that she took up his charge with a touch of resentment
I dont know she said why you are always accusing me of premeditation
I thought you confessed to it you told me the other day that you had to follow a certain line—and if one does a thing at all it is a merit to do it thoroughly
If you mean that a girl who has no one to think for her is obliged to think for herself I am quite willing to accept the imputation But you must find me a dismal kind of person if you suppose that I never yield to an impulse
Ah but I dont suppose that havent I told you that your genius lies in converting impulses into intentions
My genius she echoed with a sudden note of weariness Is there any final test of genius but success And I certainly havent succeeded
Selden pushed his hat back and took a sideglance at her Success—what is success I shall be interested to have your definition
Success She hesitated Why to get as much as one can out of life I suppose Its a relative quality after all Isnt that your idea of it
My idea of it God forbid He sat up with sudden energy resting his elbows on his knees and staring out upon the mellow fields My idea of success he said is personal freedom
Freedom Freedom from worries
From everything—from money from poverty from ease and anxiety from all the material accidents To keep a kind of republic of the spirit—thats what I call success
She leaned forward with a responsive flash I know—I know—its strange but thats just what Ive been feeling today
He met her eyes with the latent sweetness of his Is the feeling so rare with you he said
She blushed a little under his gaze You think me horribly sordid dont you But perhaps its rather that I never had any choice There was no one I mean to tell me about the republic of the spirit
There never is—its a country one has to find the way to ones self
But I should never have found my way there if you hadnt told me
Ah there are signposts—but one has to know how to read them
Well I have known I have known she cried with a glow of eagerness Whenever I see you I find myself spelling out a letter of the sign—and yesterday—last evening at dinner—I suddenly saw a little way into your republic
Selden was still looking at her but with a changed eye Hitherto he had found in her presence and her talk the aesthetic amusement which a reflective man is apt to seek in desultory intercourse with pretty women His attitude had been one of admiring spectatorship and he would have been almost sorry to detect in her any emotional weakness which should interfere with the fulfilment of her aims But now the hint of this weakness had become the most interesting thing about her He had come on her that morning in a moment of disarray her face had been pale and altered and the diminution of her beauty had lent her a poignant charm THAT IS HOW SHE LOOKS WHEN SHE IS ALONE had been his first thought and the second was to note in her the change which his coming produced It was the dangerpoint of their intercourse that he could not doubt the spontaneity of her liking From whatever angle he viewed their dawning intimacy he could not see it as part of her scheme of life and to be the unforeseen element in a career so accurately planned was stimulating even to a man who had renounced sentimental experiments
Well he said did it make you want to see more Are you going to become one of us
He had drawn out his cigarettes as he spoke and she reached her hand toward the case
Oh do give me one—I havent smoked for days
Why such unnatural abstinence Everybody smokes at Bellomont
Yes—but it is not considered becoming in a JEUNE FILLE A MARIER and at the present moment I am a JEUNE FILLE A MARIER
Ah then Im afraid we cant let you into the republic
Why not Is it a celibate order
Not in the least though Im bound to say there are not many married people in it But you will marry some one very rich and its as hard for rich people to get into as the kingdom of heaven
Thats unjust I think because as I understand it one of the conditions of citizenship is not to think too much about money and the only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it
You might as well say that the only way not to think about air is to have enough to breathe That is true enough in a sense but your lungs are thinking about the air if you are not And so it is with your rich people—they may not be thinking of money but theyre breathing it all the while take them into another element and see how they squirm and gasp
Lily sat gazing absently through the blue rings of her cigarettesmoke
It seems to me she said at length that you spend a good deal of your time in the element you disapprove of
Selden received this thrust without discomposure Yes but I have tried to remain amphibious its all right as long as ones lungs can work in another air The real alchemy consists in being able to turn gold back again into something else and thats the secret that most of your friends have lost
Lily mused Dont you think she rejoined after a moment that the people who find fault with society are too apt to regard it as an end and not a means just as the people who despise money speak as if its only use were to be kept in bags and gloated over Isnt it fairer to look at them both as opportunities which may be used either stupidly or intelligently according to the capacity of the user
That is certainly the sane view but the queer thing about society is that the people who regard it as an end are those who are in it and not the critics on the fence Its just the other way with most shows—the audience may be under the illusion but the actors know that real life is on the other side of the footlights The people who take society as an escape from work are putting it to its proper use but when it becomes the thing worked for it distorts all the relations of life Selden raised himself on his elbow Good heavens he went on I dont underrate the decorative side of life It seems to me the sense of splendour has justified itself by what it has produced The worst of it is that so much human nature is used up in the process If were all the raw stuff of the cosmic effects one would rather be the fire that tempers a sword than the fish that dyes a purple cloak And a society like ours wastes such good material in producing its little patch of purple Look at a boy like Ned Silverton—hes really too good to be used to refurbish anybodys social shabbiness Theres a lad just setting out to discover the universe isnt it a pity he should end by finding it in Mrs Fishers drawingroom
Ned is a dear boy and I hope he will keep his illusions long enough to write some nice poetry about them but do you think it is only in society that he is likely to lose them
Selden answered her with a shrug Why do we call all our generous ideas illusions and the mean ones truths Isnt it a sufficient condemnation of society to find ones self accepting such phraseology I very nearly acquired the jargon at Silvertons age and I know how names can alter the colour of beliefs
She had never heard him speak with such energy of affirmation His habitual touch was that of the eclectic who lightly turns over and compares and she was moved by this sudden glimpse into the laboratory where his faiths were formed
Ah you are as bad as the other sectarians she exclaimed why do you call your republic a republic It is a closed corporation and you create arbitrary objections in order to keep people out
It is not MY republic if it were I should have a COUP DETAT and seat you on the throne
Whereas in reality you think I can never even get my foot across the threshold Oh I understand what you mean You despise my ambitions—you think them unworthy of me
Selden smiled but not ironically Well isnt that a tribute I think them quite worthy of most of the people who live by them
She had turned to gaze on him gravely But isnt it possible that if I had the opportunities of these people I might make a better use of them Money stands for all kinds of things—its purchasing quality isnt limited to diamonds and motorcars
Not in the least you might expiate your enjoyment of them by founding a hospital
But if you think they are what I should really enjoy you must think my ambitions are good enough for me
Selden met this appeal with a laugh Ah my dear Miss Bart I am not divine Providence to guarantee your enjoying the things you are trying to get
Then the best you can say for me is that after struggling to get them I probably shant like them She drew a deep breath What a miserable future you foresee for me
Well—have you never foreseen it for yourself The slow colour rose to her cheek not a blush of excitement but drawn from the deep wells of feeling it was as if the effort of her spirit had produced it
Often and often she said But it looks so much darker when you show it to me
He made no answer to this exclamation and for a while they sat silent while something throbbed between them in the wide quiet of the air
But suddenly she turned on him with a kind of vehemence Why do you do this to me she cried Why do you make the things I have chosen seem hateful to me if you have nothing to give me instead
The words roused Selden from the musing fit into which he had fallen He himself did not know why he had led their talk along such lines it was the last use he would have imagined himself making of an afternoons solitude with Miss Bart But it was one of those moments when neither seemed to speak deliberately when an indwelling voice in each called to the other across unsounded depths of feeling
No I have nothing to give you instead he said sitting up and turning so that he faced her If I had it should be yours you know
She received this abrupt declaration in a way even stranger than the manner of its making she dropped her face on her hands and he saw that for a moment she wept
It was for a moment only however for when he leaned nearer and drew down her hands with a gesture less passionate than grave she turned on him a face softened but not disfigured by emotion and he said to himself somewhat cruelly that even her weeping was an art
The reflection steadied his voice as he asked between pity and irony Isnt it natural that I should try to belittle all the things I cant offer you
Her face brightened at this but she drew her hand away not with a gesture of coquetry but as though renouncing something to which she had no claim
But you belittle ME dont you she returned gently in being so sure they are the only things I care for
Selden felt an inner start but it was only the last quiver of his egoism Almost at once he answered quite simply But you do care for them dont you And no wishing of mine can alter that
He had so completely ceased to consider how far this might carry him that he had a distinct sense of disappointment when she turned on him a face sparkling with derision
Ah she cried for all your fine phrases youre really as great a coward as I am for you wouldnt have made one of them if you hadnt been so sure of my answer
The shock of this retort had the effect of crystallizing Seldens wavering intentions
I am not so sure of your answer he said quietly And I do you the justice to believe that you are not either
It was her turn to look at him with surprise and after a moment—Do you want to marry me she asked
He broke into a laugh No I dont want to—but perhaps I should if you did
Thats what I told you—youre so sure of me that you can amuse yourself with experiments She drew back the hand he had regained and sat looking down on him sadly
I am not making experiments he returned Or if I am it is not on you but on myself I dont know what effect they are going to have on me—but if marrying you is one of them I will take the risk
She smiled faintly It would be a great risk certainly—I have never concealed from you how great
Ah its you who are the coward he exclaimed
She had risen and he stood facing her with his eyes on hers The soft isolation of the falling day enveloped them they seemed lifted into a finer air All the exquisite influences of the hour trembled in their veins and drew them to each other as the loosened leaves were drawn to the earth
Its you who are the coward he repeated catching her hands in his
She leaned on him for a moment as if with a drop of tired wings he felt as though her heart were beating rather with the stress of a long flight than the thrill of new distances Then drawing back with a little smile of warning—I shall look hideous in dowdy clothes but I can trim my own hats she declared
They stood silent for a while after this smiling at each other like adventurous children who have climbed to a forbidden height from which they discover a new world The actual world at their feet was veiling itself in dimness and across the valley a clear moon rose in the denser blue
Suddenly they heard a remote sound like the hum of a giant insect and following the highroad which wound whiter through the surrounding twilight a black object rushed across their vision
Lily started from her attitude of absorption her smile faded and she began to move toward the lane
I had no idea it was so late We shall not be back till after dark she said almost impatiently
Selden was looking at her with surprise it took him a moment to regain his usual view of her then he said with an uncontrollable note of dryness That was not one of our party the motor was going the other way
I know—I know—— She paused and he saw her redden through the twilight But I told them I was not well—that I should not go out Let us go down she murmured
Selden continued to look at her then he drew his cigarettecase from his pocket and slowly lit a cigarette It seemed to him necessary at that moment to proclaim by some habitual gesture of this sort his recovered hold on the actual he had an almost puerile wish to let his companion see that their flight over he had landed on his feet
She waited while the spark flickered under his curved palm then he held out the cigarettes to her
She took one with an unsteady hand and putting it to her lips leaned forward to draw her light from his In the indistinctness the little red gleam lit up the lower part of her face and he saw her mouth tremble into a smile
Were you serious she asked with an odd thrill of gaiety which she might have caught up in haste from a heap of stock inflections without having time to select the just note Seldens voice was under better control Why not he returned You see I took no risks in being so And as she continued to stand before him a little pale under the retort he added quickly Let us go down
Chapter 7
It spoke much for the depth of Mrs Trenors friendship that her voice in admonishing Miss Bart took the same note of personal despair as if she had been lamenting the collapse of a houseparty
All I can say is Lily that I cant make you out She leaned back sighing in the morning abandon of lace and muslin turning an indifferent shoulder to the heapedup importunities of her desk while she considered with the eye of a physician who has given up the case the erect exterior of the patient confronting her
If you hadnt told me you were going in for him seriously—but Im sure you made that plain enough from the beginning Why else did you ask me to let you off bridge and to keep away Carry and Kate Corby I dont suppose you did it because he amused you we could none of us imagine your putting up with him for a moment unless you meant to marry him And Im sure everybody played fair They all wanted to help it along Even Bertha kept her hands off—I will say that—till Lawrence came down and you dragged him away from her After that she had a right to retaliate—why on earth did you interfere with her Youve known Lawrence Selden for years—why did you behave as if you had just discovered him If you had a grudge against Bertha it was a stupid time to show it—you could have paid her back just as well after you were married I told you Bertha was dangerous She was in an odious mood when she came here but Lawrences turning up put her in a good humour and if youd only let her think he came for HER it would have never occurred to her to play you this trick Oh Lily youll never do anything if youre not serious
Miss Bart accepted this exhortation in a spirit of the purest impartiality Why should she have been angry It was the voice of her own conscience which spoke to her through Mrs Trenors reproachful accents But even to her own conscience she must trump up a semblance of defence I only took a day off—I thought he meant to stay on all this week and I knew Mr Selden was leaving this morning
Mrs Trenor brushed aside the plea with a gesture which laid bare its weakness
He did mean to stay—thats the worst of it It shows that hes run away from you that Berthas done her work and poisoned him thoroughly
Lily gave a slight laugh Oh if hes running Ill overtake him
Her friend threw out an arresting hand Whatever you do Lily do nothing
Miss Bart received the warning with a smile I dont mean literally to take the next train There are ways—— But she did not go on to specify them
Mrs Trenor sharply corrected the tense There WERE ways—plenty of them I didnt suppose you needed to have them pointed out But dont deceive yourself—hes thoroughly frightened He has run straight home to his mother and shell protect him
Oh to the death Lily agreed dimpling at the vision
How you can LAUGH—— her friend rebuked her and she dropped back to a soberer perception of things with the question What was it Bertha really told him
Dont ask me—horrors She seemed to have raked up everything Oh you know what I mean—of course there isnt anything REALLY but I suppose she brought in Prince Varigliano—and Lord Hubert—and there was some story of your having borrowed money of old Ned Van Alstyne did you ever
He is my fathers cousin Miss Bart interposed
Well of course she left THAT out It seems Ned told Carry Fisher and she told Bertha naturally Theyre all alike you know they hold their tongues for years and you think youre safe but when their opportunity comes they remember everything
Lily had grown pale her voice had a harsh note in it It was some money I lost at bridge at the Van Osburghs I repaid it of course
Ah well they wouldnt remember that besides it was the idea of the gambling debt that frightened Percy Oh Bertha knew her man—she knew just what to tell him
In this strain Mrs Trenor continued for nearly an hour to admonish her friend Miss Bart listened with admirable equanimity Her naturally good temper had been disciplined by years of enforced compliance since she had almost always had to attain her ends by the circuitous path of other peoples and being naturally inclined to face unpleasant facts as soon as they presented themselves she was not sorry to hear an impartial statement of what her folly was likely to cost the more so as her own thoughts were still insisting on the other side of the case Presented in the light of Mrs Trenors vigorous comments the reckoning was certainly a formidable one and Lily as she listened found herself gradually reverting to her friends view of the situation Mrs Trenors words were moreover emphasized for her hearer by anxieties which she herself could scarcely guess Affluence unless stimulated by a keen imagination forms but the vaguest notion of the practical strain of poverty Judy knew it must be horrid for poor Lily to have to stop to consider whether she could afford real lace on her petticoats and not to have a motorcar and a steamyacht at her orders but the daily friction of unpaid bills the daily nibble of small temptations to expenditure were trials as far out of her experience as the domestic problems of the charwoman Mrs Trenors unconsciousness of the real stress of the situation had the effect of making it more galling to Lily While her friend reproached her for missing the opportunity to eclipse her rivals she was once more battling in imagination with the mounting tide of indebtedness from which she had so nearly escaped What wind of folly had driven her out again on those dark seas
If anything was needed to put the last touch to her selfabasement it was the sense of the way her old life was opening its ruts again to receive her Yesterday her fancy had fluttered free pinions above a choice of occupations now she had to drop to the level of the familiar routine in which moments of seeming brilliancy and freedom alternated with long hours of subjection
She laid a deprecating hand on her friends Dear Judy Im sorry to have been such a bore and you are very good to me But you must have some letters for me to answer—let me at least be useful
She settled herself at the desk and Mrs Trenor accepted her resumption of the mornings task with a sigh which implied that after all she had proved herself unfit for higher uses
The luncheon table showed a depleted circle All the men but Jack Stepney and Dorset had returned to town it seemed to Lily a last touch of irony that Selden and Percy Gryce should have gone in the same train and Lady Cressida and the attendant Wetheralls had been despatched by motor to lunch at a distant countryhouse At such moments of diminished interest it was usual for Mrs Dorset to keep her room till the afternoon but on this occasion she drifted in when luncheon was half over hollowedeyed and drooping but with an edge of malice under her indifference
She raised her eyebrows as she looked about the table How few of us are left I do so enjoy the quiet—dont you Lily I wish the men would always stop away—its really much nicer without them Oh you dont count George one doesnt have to talk to ones husband But I thought Mr Gryce was to stay for the rest of the week she added enquiringly Didnt he intend to Judy Hes such a nice boy—I wonder what drove him away He is rather shy and Im afraid we may have shocked him he has been brought up in such an oldfashioned way Do you know Lily he told me he had never seen a girl play cards for money till he saw you doing it the other night And he lives on the interest of his income and always has a lot left over to invest
Mrs Fisher leaned forward eagerly I do believe it is some ones duty to educate that young man It is shocking that he has never been made to realize his duties as a citizen Every wealthy man should be compelled to study the laws of his country
Mrs Dorset glanced at her quietly I think he HAS studied the divorce laws He told me he had promised the Bishop to sign some kind of a petition against divorce
Mrs Fisher reddened under her powder and Stepney said with a laughing glance at Miss Bart I suppose he is thinking of marriage and wants to tinker up the old ship before he goes aboard
His betrothed looked shocked at the metaphor and George Dorset exclaimed with a sardonic growl Poor devil It isnt the ship that will do for him its the crew
Or the stowaways said Miss Corby brightly If I contemplated a voyage with him I should try to start with a friend in the hold
Miss Van Osburghs vague feeling of pique was struggling for appropriate expression Im sure I dont see why you laugh at him I think hes very nice she exclaimed and at any rate a girl who married him would always have enough to be comfortable
She looked puzzled at the redoubled laughter which hailed her words but it might have consoled her to know how deeply they had sunk into the breast of one of her hearers
Comfortable At that moment the word was more eloquent to Lily Bart than any other in the language She could not even pause to smile over the heiresss view of a colossal fortune as a mere shelter against want her mind was filled with the vision of what that shelter might have been to her Mrs Dorsets pinpricks did not smart for her own irony cut deeper no one could hurt her as much as she was hurting herself for no one else—not even Judy Trenor—knew the full magnitude of her folly
She was roused from these unprofitable considerations by a whispered request from her hostess who drew her apart as they left the luncheontable
Lily dear if youve nothing special to do may I tell Carry Fisher that you intend to drive to the station and fetch Gus He will be back at four and I know she has it in her mind to meet him Of course Im very glad to have him amused but I happen to know that she has bled him rather severely since shes been here and she is so keen about going to fetch him that I fancy she must have got a lot more bills this morning It seems to me Mrs Trenor feelingly concluded that most of her alimony is paid by other womens husbands
Miss Bart on her way to the station had leisure to muse over her friends words and their peculiar application to herself Why should she have to suffer for having once for a few hours borrowed money of an elderly cousin when a woman like Carry Fisher could make a living unrebuked from the goodnature of her men friends and the tolerance of their wives It all turned on the tiresome distinction between what a married woman might and a girl might not do Of course it was shocking for a married woman to borrow money—and Lily was expertly aware of the implication involved—but still it was the mere MALUM PROHIBITUM which the world decries but condones and which though it may be punished by private vengeance does not provoke the collective disapprobation of society To Miss Bart in short no such opportunities were possible She could of course borrow from her women friends—a hundred here or there at the utmost—but they were more ready to give a gown or a trinket and looked a little askance when she hinted her preference for a cheque Women are not generous lenders and those among whom her lot was cast were either in the same case as herself or else too far removed from it to understand its necessities The result of her meditations was the decision to join her aunt at Richfield She could not remain at Bellomont without playing bridge and being involved in other expenses and to continue her usual series of autumn visits would merely prolong the same difficulties She had reached a point where abrupt retrenchment was necessary and the only cheap life was a dull life She would start the next morning for Richfield
At the station she thought Gus Trenor seemed surprised and not wholly unrelieved to see her She yielded up the reins of the light runabout in which she had driven over and as he climbed heavily to her side crushing her into a scant third of the seat he said Halloo It isnt often you honour me You must have been uncommonly hard up for something to do
The afternoon was warm and propinquity made her more than usually conscious that he was red and massive and that beads of moisture had caused the dust of the train to adhere unpleasantly to the broad expanse of cheek and neck which he turned to her but she was aware also from the look in his small dull eyes that the contact with her freshness and slenderness was as agreeable to him as the sight of a cooling beverage
The perception of this fact helped her to answer gaily Its not often I have the chance There are too many ladies to dispute the privilege with me
The privilege of driving me home Well Im glad you won the race anyhow But I know what really happened—my wife sent you Now didnt she
He had the dull mans unexpected flashes of astuteness and Lily could not help joining in the laugh with which he had pounced on the truth
You see Judy thinks Im the safest person for you to be with and shes quite right she rejoined
Oh is she though If she is its because you wouldnt waste your time on an old hulk like me We married men have to put up with what we can get all the prizes are for the clever chaps whove kept a free foot Let me light a cigar will you Ive had a beastly day of it
He drew up in the shade of the village street and passed the reins to her while he held a match to his cigar The little flame under his hand cast a deeper crimson on his puffing face and Lily averted her eyes with a momentary feeling of repugnance And yet some women thought him handsome
As she handed back the reins she said sympathetically Did you have such a lot of tiresome things to do
I should say so—rather Trenor who was seldom listened to either by his wife or her friends settled down into the rare enjoyment of a confidential talk You dont know how a fellow has to hustle to keep this kind of thing going He waved his whip in the direction of the Bellomont acres which lay outspread before them in opulent undulations Judy has no idea of what she spends—not that there isnt plenty to keep the thing going he interrupted himself but a man has got to keep his eyes open and pick up all the tips he can My father and mother used to live like fightingcocks on their income and put by a good bit of it too—luckily for me—but at the pace we go now I dont know where I should be if it werent for taking a flyer now and then The women all think—I mean Judy thinks—Ive nothing to do but to go down town once a month and cut off coupons but the truth is it takes a devilish lot of hard work to keep the machinery running Not that I ought to complain today though he went on after a moment for I did a very neat stroke of business thanks to Stepneys friend Rosedale by the way Miss Lily I wish youd try to persuade Judy to be decently civil to that chap Hes going to be rich enough to buy us all out one of these days and if shed only ask him to dine now and then I could get almost anything out of him The man is mad to know the people who dont want to know him and when a fellows in that state there is nothing he wont do for the first woman who takes him up
Lily hesitated a moment The first part of her companions discourse had started an interesting train of thought which was rudely interrupted by the mention of Mr Rosedales name She uttered a faint protest
But you know Jack did try to take him about and he was impossible
Oh hang it—because hes fat and shiny and has a sloppy manner Well all I can say is that the people who are clever enough to be civil to him now will make a mighty good thing of it A few years from now hell be in it whether we want him or not and then he wont be giving away a halfamillion tip for a dinner
Lilys mind had reverted from the intrusive personality of Mr Rosedale to the train of thought set in motion by Trenors first words This vast mysterious Wall Street world of tips and deals—might she not find in it the means of escape from her dreary predicament She had often heard of women making money in this way through their friends she had no more notion than most of her sex of the exact nature of the transaction and its vagueness seemed to diminish its indelicacy She could not indeed imagine herself in any extremity stooping to extract a tip from Mr Rosedale but at her side was a man in possession of that precious commodity and who as the husband of her dearest friend stood to her in a relation of almost fraternal intimacy
In her inmost heart Lily knew it was not by appealing to the fraternal instinct that she was likely to move Gus Trenor but this way of explaining the situation helped to drape its crudity and she was always scrupulous about keeping up appearances to herself Her personal fastidiousness had a moral equivalent and when she made a tour of inspection in her own mind there were certain closed doors she did not open
As they reached the gates of Bellomont she turned to Trenor with a smile The afternoon is so perfect—dont you want to drive me a little farther Ive been rather out of spirits all day and its so restful to be away from people with some one who wont mind if Im a little dull
She looked so plaintively lovely as she proffered the request so trustfully sure of his sympathy and understanding that Trenor felt himself wishing that his wife could see how other women treated him—not battered wirepullers like Mrs Fisher but a girl that most men would have given their boots to get such a look from
Out of spirits Why on earth should you ever be out of spirits Is your last box of Doucet dresses a failure or did Judy rook you out of everything at bridge last night
Lily shook her head with a sigh I have had to give up Doucet and bridge too—I cant afford it In fact I cant afford any of the things my friends do and I am afraid Judy often thinks me a bore because I dont play cards any longer and because I am not as smartly dressed as the other women But you will think me a bore too if I talk to you about my worries and I only mention them because I want you to do me a favour—the very greatest of favours
Her eyes sought his once more and she smiled inwardly at the tinge of apprehension that she read in them
Why of course—if its anything I can manage—— He broke off and she guessed that his enjoyment was disturbed by the remembrance of Mrs Fishers methods
The greatest of favours she rejoined gently The fact is Judy is angry with me and I want you to make my peace
Angry with you Oh come nonsense—— his relief broke through in a laugh Why you know shes devoted to you
She is the best friend I have and that is why I mind having to vex her But I daresay you know what she has wanted me to do She has set her heart—poor dear—on my marrying—marrying a great deal of money
She paused with a slight falter of embarrassment and Trenor turning abruptly fixed on her a look of growing intelligence
A great deal of money Oh by Jove—you dont mean Gryce What—you do Oh no of course I wont mention it—you can trust me to keep my mouth shut—but Gryce—good Lord GRYCE Did Judy really think you could bring yourself to marry that portentous little ass But you couldnt eh And so you gave him the sack and thats the reason why he lit out by the first train this morning He leaned back spreading himself farther across the seat as if dilated by the joyful sense of his own discernment How on earth could Judy think you would do such a thing I could have told her youd never put up with such a little milksop
Lily sighed more deeply I sometimes think she murmured that men understand a womans motives better than other women do
Some men—Im certain of it I could have TOLD Judy he repeated exulting in the implied superiority over his wife
I thought you would understand thats why I wanted to speak to you Miss Bart rejoined I cant make that kind of marriage its impossible But neither can I go on living as all the women in my set do I am almost entirely dependent on my aunt and though she is very kind to me she makes me no regular allowance and lately Ive lost money at cards and I dont dare tell her about it I have paid my card debts of course but there is hardly anything left for my other expenses and if I go on with my present life I shall be in horrible difficulties I have a tiny income of my own but Im afraid its badly invested for it seems to bring in less every year and I am so ignorant of money matters that I dont know if my aunts agent who looks after it is a good adviser She paused a moment and added in a lighter tone I didnt mean to bore you with all this but I want your help in making Judy understand that I cant at present go on living as one must live among you all I am going away tomorrow to join my aunt at Richfield and I shall stay there for the rest of the autumn and dismiss my maid and learn how to mend my own clothes
At this picture of loveliness in distress the pathos of which was heightened by the light touch with which it was drawn a murmur of indignant sympathy broke from Trenor Twentyfour hours earlier if his wife had consulted him on the subject of Miss Barts future he would have said that a girl with extravagant tastes and no money had better marry the first rich man she could get but with the subject of discussion at his side turning to him for sympathy making him feel that he understood her better than her dearest friends and confirming the assurance by the appeal of her exquisite nearness he was ready to swear that such a marriage was a desecration and that as a man of honour he was bound to do all he could to protect her from the results of her disinterestedness This impulse was reinforced by the reflection that if she had married Gryce she would have been surrounded by flattery and approval whereas having refused to sacrifice herself to expediency she was left to bear the whole cost of her resistance Hang it if he could find a way out of such difficulties for a professional sponge like Carry Fisher who was simply a mental habit corresponding to the physical titillations of the cigarette or the cocktail he could surely do as much for a girl who appealed to his highest sympathies and who brought her troubles to him with the trustfulness of a child
Trenor and Miss Bart prolonged their drive till long after sunset and before it was over he had tried with some show of success to prove to her that if she would only trust him he could make a handsome sum of money for her without endangering the small amount she possessed She was too genuinely ignorant of the manipulations of the stockmarket to understand his technical explanations or even perhaps to perceive that certain points in them were slurred the haziness enveloping the transaction served as a veil for her embarrassment and through the general blur her hopes dilated like lamps in a fog She understood only that her modest investments were to be mysteriously multiplied without risk to herself and the assurance that this miracle would take place within a short time that there would be no tedious interval for suspense and reaction relieved her of her lingering scruples
Again she felt the lightening of her load and with it the release of repressed activities Her immediate worries conjured it was easy to resolve that she would never again find herself in such straits and as the need of economy and selfdenial receded from her foreground she felt herself ready to meet any other demand which life might make Even the immediate one of letting Trenor as they drove homeward lean a little nearer and rest his hand reassuringly on hers cost her only a momentary shiver of reluctance It was part of the game to make him feel that her appeal had been an uncalculated impulse provoked by the liking he inspired and the renewed sense of power in handling men while it consoled her wounded vanity helped also to obscure the thought of the claim at which his manner hinted He was a coarse dull man who under all his show of authority was a mere supernumerary in the costly show for which his money paid surely to a clever girl it would be easy to hold him by his vanity and so keep the obligation on his side
Chapter 8
The first thousand dollar cheque which Lily received with a blotted scrawl from Gus Trenor strengthened her selfconfidence in the exact degree to which it effaced her debts
The transaction had justified itself by its results she saw now how absurd it would have been to let any primitive scruple deprive her of this easy means of appeasing her creditors Lily felt really virtuous as she dispensed the sum in sops to her tradesmen and the fact that a fresh order accompanied each payment did not lessen her sense of disinterestedness How many women in her place would have given the orders without making the payment
She had found it reassuringly easy to keep Trenor in a good humour To listen to his stories to receive his confidences and laugh at his jokes seemed for the moment all that was required of her and the complacency with which her hostess regarded these attentions freed them of the least hint of ambiguity Mrs Trenor evidently assumed that Lilys growing intimacy with her husband was simply an indirect way of returning her own kindness
Im so glad you and Gus have become such good friends she said approvingly Its too delightful of you to be so nice to him and put up with all his tiresome stories I know what they are because I had to listen to them when we were engaged—Im sure he is telling the same ones still And now I shant always have to be asking Carry Fisher here to keep him in a goodhumour Shes a perfect vulture you know and she hasnt the least moral sense She is always getting Gus to speculate for her and Im sure she never pays when she loses
Miss Bart could shudder at this state of things without the embarrassment of a personal application Her own position was surely quite different There could be no question of her not paying when she lost since Trenor had assured her that she was certain not to lose In sending her the cheque he had explained that he had made five thousand for her out of Rosedales tip and had put four thousand back in the same venture as there was the promise of another big rise she understood therefore that he was now speculating with her own money and that she consequently owed him no more than the gratitude which such a trifling service demanded She vaguely supposed that to raise the first sum he had borrowed on her securities but this was a point over which her curiosity did not linger It was concentrated for the moment on the probable date of the next big rise
The news of this event was received by her some weeks later on the occasion of Jack Stepneys marriage to Miss Van Osburgh As a cousin of the bridegroom Miss Bart had been asked to act as bridesmaid but she had declined on the plea that since she was much taller than the other attendant virgins her presence might mar the symmetry of the group The truth was she had attended too many brides to the altar when next seen there she meant to be the chief figure in the ceremony She knew the pleasantries made at the expense of young girls who have been too long before the public and she was resolved to avoid such assumptions of youthfulness as might lead people to think her older than she really was
The Van Osburgh marriage was celebrated in the village church near the paternal estate on the Hudson It was the simple country wedding to which guests are convoyed in special trains and from which the hordes of the uninvited have to be fended off by the intervention of the police While these sylvan rites were taking place in a church packed with fashion and festooned with orchids the representatives of the press were threading their way notebook in hand through the labyrinth of wedding presents and the agent of a cinematograph syndicate was setting up his apparatus at the church door It was the kind of scene in which Lily had often pictured herself as taking the principal part and on this occasion the fact that she was once more merely a casual spectator instead of the mystically veiled figure occupying the centre of attention strengthened her resolve to assume the latter part before the year was over The fact that her immediate anxieties were relieved did not blind her to a possibility of their recurrence it merely gave her enough buoyancy to rise once more above her doubts and feel a renewed faith in her beauty her power and her general fitness to attract a brilliant destiny It could not be that one conscious of such aptitudes for mastery and enjoyment was doomed to a perpetuity of failure and her mistakes looked easily reparable in the light of her restored selfconfidence
A special appositeness was given to these reflections by the discovery in a neighbouring pew of the serious profile and neatlytrimmed beard of Mr Percy Gryce There was something almost bridal in his own aspect his large white gardenia had a symbolic air that struck Lily as a good omen After all seen in an assemblage of his kind he was not ridiculouslooking a friendly critic might have called his heaviness weighty and he was at his best in the attitude of vacant passivity which brings out the oddities of the restless She fancied he was the kind of man whose sentimental associations would be stirred by the conventional imagery of a wedding and she pictured herself in the seclusion of the Van Osburgh conservatories playing skillfully upon sensibilities thus prepared for her touch In fact when she looked at the other women about her and recalled the image she had brought away from her own glass it did not seem as though any special skill would be needed to repair her blunder and bring him once more to her feet
The sight of Seldens dark head in a pew almost facing her disturbed for a moment the balance of her complacency The rise of her blood as their eyes met was succeeded by a contrary motion a wave of resistance and withdrawal She did not wish to see him again not because she feared his influence but because his presence always had the effect of cheapening her aspirations of throwing her whole world out of focus Besides he was a living reminder of the worst mistake in her career and the fact that he had been its cause did not soften her feelings toward him She could still imagine an ideal state of existence in which all else being superadded intercourse with Selden might be the last touch of luxury but in the world as it was such a privilege was likely to cost more than it was worth
Lily dear I never saw you look so lovely You look as if something delightful had just happened to you
The young lady who thus formulated her admiration of her brilliant friend did not in her own person suggest such happy possibilities Miss Gertrude Farish in fact typified the mediocre and the ineffectual If there were compensating qualities in her wide frank glance and the freshness of her smile these were qualities which only the sympathetic observer would perceive before noticing that her eyes were of a workaday grey and her lips without haunting curves Lilys own view of her wavered between pity for her limitations and impatience at her cheerful acceptance of them To Miss Bart as to her mother acquiescence in dinginess was evidence of stupidity and there were moments when in the consciousness of her own power to look and to be so exactly what the occasion required she almost felt that other girls were plain and inferior from choice Certainly no one need have confessed such acquiescence in her lot as was revealed in the useful colour of Gerty Farishs gown and the subdued lines of her hat it is almost as stupid to let your clothes betray that you know you are ugly as to have them proclaim that you think you are beautiful
Of course being fatally poor and dingy it was wise of Gerty to have taken up philanthropy and symphony concerts but there was something irritating in her assumption that existence yielded no higher pleasures and that one might get as much interest and excitement out of life in a cramped flat as in the splendours of the Van Osburgh establishment Today however her chirping enthusiasms did not irritate Lily They seemed only to throw her own exceptionalness into becoming relief and give a soaring vastness to her scheme of life
Do let us go and take a peep at the presents before everyone else leaves the diningroom suggested Miss Farish linking her arm in her friends It was characteristic of her to take a sentimental and unenvious interest in all the details of a wedding she was the kind of person who always kept her handkerchief out during the service and departed clutching a box of weddingcake
Isnt everything beautifully done she pursued as they entered the distant drawingroom assigned to the display of Miss Van Osburghs bridal spoils I always say no one does things better than cousin Grace Did you ever taste anything more delicious than that MOUSSE of lobster with champagne sauce I made up my mind weeks ago that I wouldnt miss this wedding and just fancy how delightfully it all came about When Lawrence Selden heard I was coming he insisted on fetching me himself and driving me to the station and when we go back this evening I am to dine with him at Sherrys I really feel as excited as if I were getting married myself
Lily smiled she knew that Selden had always been kind to his dull cousin and she had sometimes wondered why he wasted so much time in such an unremunerative manner but now the thought gave her a vague pleasure
Do you see him often she asked
Yes he is very good about dropping in on Sundays And now and then we do a play together but lately I havent seen much of him He doesnt look well and he seems nervous and unsettled The dear fellow I do wish he would marry some nice girl I told him so today but he said he didnt care for the really nice ones and the other kind didnt care for him—but that was just his joke of course He could never marry a girl who WASNT nice Oh my dear did you ever see such pearls
They had paused before the table on which the brides jewels were displayed and Lilys heart gave an envious throb as she caught the refraction of light from their surfaces—the milky gleam of perfectly matched pearls the flash of rubies relieved against contrasting velvet the intense blue rays of sapphires kindled into light by surrounding diamonds all these precious tints enhanced and deepened by the varied art of their setting The glow of the stones warmed Lilys veins like wine More completely than any other expression of wealth they symbolized the life she longed to lead the life of fastidious aloofness and refinement in which every detail should have the finish of a jewel and the whole form a harmonious setting to her own jewellike rareness
Oh Lily do look at this diamond pendant—its as big as a dinnerplate Who can have given it Miss Farish bent shortsightedly over the accompanying card MR SIMON ROSEDALE What that horrid man Oh yes—I remember hes a friend of Jacks and I suppose cousin Grace had to ask him here today but she must rather hate having to let Gwen accept such a present from him
Lily smiled She doubted Mrs Van Osburghs reluctance but was aware of Miss Farishs habit of ascribing her own delicacies of feeling to the persons least likely to be encumbered by them
Well if Gwen doesnt care to be seen wearing it she can always exchange it for something else she remarked
Ah here is something so much prettier Miss Farish continued Do look at this exquisite white sapphire Im sure the person who chose it must have taken particular pains What is the name Percy Gryce Ah then Im not surprised She smiled significantly as she replaced the card Of course youve heard that hes perfectly devoted to Evie Van Osburgh Cousin Grace is so pleased about it—its quite a romance He met her first at the George Dorsets only about six weeks ago and its just the nicest possible marriage for dear Evie Oh I dont mean the money—of course she has plenty of her own—but shes such a quiet stayathome kind of girl and it seems he has just the same tastes so they are exactly suited to each other
Lily stood staring vacantly at the white sapphire on its velvet bed Evie Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce The names rang derisively through her brain EVIE VAN OSBURGH The youngest dumpiest dullest of the four dull and dumpy daughters whom Mrs Van Osburgh with unsurpassed astuteness had placed one by one in enviable niches of existence Ah lucky girls who grow up in the shelter of a mothers love—a mother who knows how to contrive opportunities without conceding favours how to take advantage of propinquity without allowing appetite to be dulled by habit The cleverest girl may miscalculate where her own interests are concerned may yield too much at one moment and withdraw too far at the next it takes a mothers unerring vigilance and foresight to land her daughters safely in the arms of wealth and suitability
Lilys passing lightheartedness sank beneath a renewed sense of failure Life was too stupid too blundering Why should Percy Gryces millions be joined to another great fortune why should this clumsy girl be put in possession of powers she would never know how to use
She was roused from these speculations by a familiar touch on her arm and turning saw Gus Trenor beside her She felt a thrill of vexation what right had he to touch her Luckily Gerty Farish had wandered off to the next table and they were alone
Trenor looking stouter than ever in his tight frockcoat and unbecomingly flushed by the bridal libations gazed at her with undisguised approval
By Jove Lily you do look a stunner He had slipped insensibly into the use of her Christian name and she had never found the right moment to correct him Besides in her set all the men and women called each other by their Christian names it was only on Trenors lips that the familiar address had an unpleasant significance
Well he continued still jovially impervious to her annoyance have you made up your mind which of these little trinkets you mean to duplicate at Tiffanys tomorrow Ive got a cheque for you in my pocket that will go a long way in that line
Lily gave him a startled look his voice was louder than usual and the room was beginning to fill with people But as her glance assured her that they were still beyond earshot a sense of pleasure replaced her apprehension
Another dividend she asked smiling and drawing near him in the desire not to be overheard
Well not exactly I sold out on the rise and Ive pulled off four thou for you Not so bad for a beginner eh I suppose youll begin to think youre a pretty knowing speculator And perhaps you wont think poor old Gus such an awful ass as some people do
I think you the kindest of friends but I cant thank you properly now
She let her eyes shine into his with a look that made up for the handclasp he would have claimed if they had been alone—and how glad she was that they were not The news filled her with the glow produced by a sudden cessation of physical pain The world was not so stupid and blundering after all now and then a stroke of luck came to the unluckiest At the thought her spirits began to rise it was characteristic of her that one trifling piece of good fortune should give wings to all her hopes Instantly came the reflection that Percy Gryce was not irretrievably lost and she smiled to think of the excitement of recapturing him from Evie Van Osburgh What chance could such a simpleton have against her if she chose to exert herself She glanced about hoping to catch a glimpse of Gryce but her eyes lit instead on the glossy countenance of Mr Rosedale who was slipping through the crowd with an air half obsequious half obtrusive as though the moment his presence was recognized it would swell to the dimensions of the room
Not wishing to be the means of effecting this enlargement Lily quickly transferred her glance to Trenor to whom the expression of her gratitude seemed not to have brought the complete gratification she had meant it to give
Hang thanking me—I dont want to be thanked but I SHOULD like the chance to say two words to you now and then he grumbled I thought you were going to spend the whole autumn with us and Ive hardly laid eyes on you for the last month Why cant you come back to Bellomont this evening Were all alone and Judy is as cross as two sticks Do come and cheer a fellow up If you say yes Ill run you over in the motor and you can telephone your maid to bring your traps from town by the next train
Lily shook her head with a charming semblance of regret I wish I could—but its quite impossible My aunt has come back to town and I must be with her for the next few days
Well Ive seen a good deal less of you since weve got to be such pals than I used to when you were Judys friend he continued with unconscious penetration
When I was Judys friend Am I not her friend still Really you say the most absurd things If I were always at Bellomont you would tire of me much sooner than Judy—but come and see me at my aunts the next afternoon you are in town then we can have a nice quiet talk and you can tell me how I had better invest my fortune
It was true that during the last three or four weeks she had absented herself from Bellomont on the pretext of having other visits to pay but she now began to feel that the reckoning she had thus contrived to evade had rolled up interest in the interval
The prospect of the nice quiet talk did not appear as allsufficing to Trenor as she had hoped and his brows continued to lower as he said Oh I dont know that I can promise you a fresh tip every day But theres one thing you might do for me and that is just to be a little civil to Rosedale Judy has promised to ask him to dine when we get to town but I cant induce her to have him at Bellomont and if you would let me bring him up now it would make a lot of difference I dont believe two women have spoken to him this afternoon and I can tell you hes a chap it pays to be decent to
Miss Bart made an impatient movement but suppressed the words which seemed about to accompany it After all this was an unexpectedly easy way of acquitting her debt and had she not reasons of her own for wishing to be civil to Mr Rosedale
Oh bring him by all means she said smiling perhaps I can get a tip out of him on my own account
Trenor paused abruptly and his eyes fixed themselves on hers with a look which made her change colour
I say you know—youll please remember hes a blooming bounder he said and with a slight laugh she turned toward the open window near which they had been standing
The throng in the room had increased and she felt a desire for space and fresh air Both of these she found on the terrace where only a few men were lingering over cigarettes and liqueur while scattered couples strolled across the lawn to the autumntinted borders of the flowergarden
As she emerged a man moved toward her from the knot of smokers and she found herself face to face with Selden The stir of the pulses which his nearness always caused was increased by a slight sense of constraint They had not met since their Sunday afternoon walk at Bellomont and that episode was still so vivid to her that she could hardly believe him to be less conscious of it But his greeting expressed no more than the satisfaction which every pretty woman expects to see reflected in masculine eyes and the discovery if distasteful to her vanity was reassuring to her nerves Between the relief of her escape from Trenor and the vague apprehension of her meeting with Rosedale it was pleasant to rest a moment on the sense of complete understanding which Lawrence Seldens manner always conveyed
This is luck he said smiling I was wondering if I should be able to have a word with you before the special snatches us away I came with Gerty Farish and promised not to let her miss the train but I am sure she is still extracting sentimental solace from the wedding presents She appears to regard their number and value as evidence of the disinterested affection of the contracting parties
There was not the least trace of embarrassment in his voice and as he spoke leaning slightly against the jamb of the window and letting his eyes rest on her in the frank enjoyment of her grace she felt with a faint chill of regret that he had gone back without an effort to the footing on which they had stood before their last talk together Her vanity was stung by the sight of his unscathed smile She longed to be to him something more than a piece of sentient prettiness a passing diversion to his eye and brain and the longing betrayed itself in her reply
Ah she said I envy Gerty that power she has of dressing up with romance all our ugly and prosaic arrangements I have never recovered my selfrespect since you showed me how poor and unimportant my ambitions were
The words were hardly spoken when she realized their infelicity It seemed to be her fate to appear at her worst to Selden
I thought on the contrary he returned lightly that I had been the means of proving they were more important to you than anything else
It was as if the eager current of her being had been checked by a sudden obstacle which drove it back upon itself She looked at him helplessly like a hurt or frightened child this real self of hers which he had the faculty of drawing out of the depths was so little accustomed to go alone
The appeal of her helplessness touched in him as it always did a latent chord of inclination It would have meant nothing to him to discover that his nearness made her more brilliant but this glimpse of a twilight mood to which he alone had the clue seemed once more to set him in a world apart with her
At least you cant think worse things of me than you say she exclaimed with a trembling laugh but before he could answer the flow of comprehension between them was abruptly stayed by the reappearance of Gus Trenor who advanced with Mr Rosedale in his wake
Hang it Lily I thought youd given me the slip Rosedale and I have been hunting all over for you
His voice had a note of conjugal familiarity Miss Bart fancied she detected in Rosedales eye a twinkling perception of the fact and the idea turned her dislike of him to repugnance
She returned his profound bow with a slight nod made more disdainful by the sense of Seldens surprise that she should number Rosedale among her acquaintances Trenor had turned away and his companion continued to stand before Miss Bart alert and expectant his lips parted in a smile at whatever she might be about to say and his very back conscious of the privilege of being seen with her
It was the moment for tact for the quick bridging over of gaps but Selden still leaned against the window a detached observer of the scene and under the spell of his observation Lily felt herself powerless to exert her usual arts The dread of Seldens suspecting that there was any need for her to propitiate such a man as Rosedale checked the trivial phrases of politeness Rosedale still stood before her in an expectant attitude and she continued to face him in silence her glance just level with his polished baldness The look put the finishing touch to what her silence implied
He reddened slowly shifting from one foot to the other fingered the plump black pearl in his tie and gave a nervous twist to his moustache then running his eye over her he drew back and said with a sideglance at Selden Upon my soul I never saw a more ripping getup Is that the last creation of the dressmaker you go to see at the Benedick If so I wonder all the other women dont go to her too
The words were projected sharply against Lilys silence and she saw in a flash that her own act had given them their emphasis In ordinary talk they might have passed unheeded but following on her prolonged pause they acquired a special meaning She felt without looking that Selden had immediately seized it and would inevitably connect the allusion with her visit to himself The consciousness increased her irritation against Rosedale but also her feeling that now if ever was the moment to propitiate him hateful as it was to do so in Seldens presence
How do you know the other women dont go to my dressmaker she returned You see Im not afraid to give her address to my friends
Her glance and accent so plainly included Rosedale in this privileged circle that his small eyes puckered with gratification and a knowing smile drew up his moustache
By Jove you neednt be he declared You could give em the whole outfit and win at a canter
Ah thats nice of you and it would be nicer still if you would carry me off to a quiet corner and get me a glass of lemonade or some innocent drink before we all have to rush for the train
She turned away as she spoke letting him strut at her side through the gathering groups on the terrace while every nerve in her throbbed with the consciousness of what Selden must have thought of the scene
But under her angry sense of the perverseness of things and the light surface of her talk with Rosedale a third idea persisted she did not mean to leave without an attempt to discover the truth about Percy Gryce Chance or perhaps his own resolve had kept them apart since his hasty withdrawal from Bellomont but Miss Bart was an expert in making the most of the unexpected and the distasteful incidents of the last few minutes—the revelation to Selden of precisely that part of her life which she most wished him to ignore—increased her longing for shelter for escape from such humiliating contingencies Any definite situation would be more tolerable than this buffeting of chances which kept her in an attitude of uneasy alertness toward every possibility of life
Indoors there was a general sense of dispersal in the air as of an audience gathering itself up for departure after the principal actors had left the stage but among the remaining groups Lily could discover neither Gryce nor the youngest Miss Van Osburgh That both should be missing struck her with foreboding and she charmed Mr Rosedale by proposing that they should make their way to the conservatories at the farther end of the house There were just enough people left in the long suite of rooms to make their progress conspicuous and Lily was aware of being followed by looks of amusement and interrogation which glanced off as harmlessly from her indifference as from her companions selfsatisfaction She cared very little at that moment about being seen with Rosedale all her thoughts were centred on the object of her search The latter however was not discoverable in the conservatories and Lily oppressed by a sudden conviction of failure was casting about for a way to rid herself of her now superfluous companion when they came upon Mrs Van Osburgh flushed and exhausted but beaming with the consciousness of duty performed
She glanced at them a moment with the benign but vacant eye of the tired hostess to whom her guests have become mere whirling spots in a kaleidoscope of fatigue then her attention became suddenly fixed and she seized on Miss Bart with a confidential gesture My dear Lily I havent had time for a word with you and now I suppose you are just off Have you seen Evie Shes been looking everywhere for you she wanted to tell you her little secret but I daresay you have guessed it already The engagement is not to be announced till next week—but you are such a friend of Mr Gryces that they both wished you to be the first to know of their happiness
Chapter 9
In Mrs Penistons youth fashion had returned to town in October therefore on the tenth day of the month the blinds of her Fifth Avenue residence were drawn up and the eyes of the Dying Gladiator in bronze who occupied the drawingroom window resumed their survey of that deserted thoroughfare
The first two weeks after her return represented to Mrs Peniston the domestic equivalent of a religious retreat She went through the linen and blankets in the precise spirit of the penitent exploring the inner folds of conscience she sought for moths as the stricken soul seeks for lurking infirmities The topmost shelf of every closet was made to yield up its secret cellar and coalbin were probed to their darkest depths and as a final stage in the lustral rites the entire house was swathed in penitential white and deluged with expiatory soapsuds
It was on this phase of the proceedings that Miss Bart entered on the afternoon of her return from the Van Osburgh wedding The journey back to town had not been calculated to soothe her nerves Though Evie Van Osburghs engagement was still officially a secret it was one of which the innumerable intimate friends of the family were already possessed and the trainful of returning guests buzzed with allusions and anticipations Lily was acutely aware of her own part in this drama of innuendo she knew the exact quality of the amusement the situation evoked The crude forms in which her friends took their pleasure included a loud enjoyment of such complications the zest of surprising destiny in the act of playing a practical joke Lily knew well enough how to bear herself in difficult situations She had to a shade the exact manner between victory and defeat every insinuation was shed without an effort by the bright indifference of her manner But she was beginning to feel the strain of the attitude the reaction was more rapid and she lapsed to a deeper selfdisgust
As was always the case with her this moral repulsion found a physical outlet in a quickened distaste for her surroundings She revolted from the complacent ugliness of Mrs Penistons black walnut from the slippery gloss of the vestibule tiles and the mingled odour of sapolio and furniturepolish that met her at the door
The stairs were still carpetless and on the way up to her room she was arrested on the landing by an encroaching tide of soapsuds Gathering up her skirts she drew aside with an impatient gesture and as she did so she had the odd sensation of having already found herself in the same situation but in different surroundings It seemed to her that she was again descending the staircase from Seldens rooms and looking down to remonstrate with the dispenser of the soapy flood she found herself met by a lifted stare which had once before confronted her under similar circumstances It was the charwoman of the Benedick who resting on crimson elbows examined her with the same unflinching curiosity the same apparent reluctance to let her pass On this occasion however Miss Bart was on her own ground
Dont you see that I wish to go by Please move your pail she said sharply
The woman at first seemed not to hear then without a word of excuse she pushed back her pail and dragged a wet floorcloth across the landing keeping her eyes fixed on Lily while the latter swept by It was insufferable that Mrs Peniston should have such creatures about the house and Lily entered her room resolved that the woman should be dismissed that evening
Mrs Peniston however was at the moment inaccessible to remonstrance since early morning she had been shut up with her maid going over her furs a process which formed the culminating episode in the drama of household renovation In the evening also Lily found herself alone for her aunt who rarely dined out had responded to the summons of a Van Alstyne cousin who was passing through town The house in its state of unnatural immaculateness and order was as dreary as a tomb and as Lily turning from her brief repast between shrouded sideboards wandered into the newlyuncovered glare of the drawingroom she felt as though she were buried alive in the stifling limits of Mrs Penistons existence
She usually contrived to avoid being at home during the season of domestic renewal On the present occasion however a variety of reasons had combined to bring her to town and foremost among them was the fact that she had fewer invitations than usual for the autumn She had so long been accustomed to pass from one countryhouse to another till the close of the holidays brought her friends to town that the unfilled gaps of time confronting her produced a sharp sense of waning popularity It was as she had said to Selden—people were tired of her They would welcome her in a new character but as Miss Bart they knew her by heart She knew herself by heart too and was sick of the old story There were moments when she longed blindly for anything different anything strange remote and untried but the utmost reach of her imagination did not go beyond picturing her usual life in a new setting She could not figure herself as anywhere but in a drawingroom diffusing elegance as a flower sheds perfume
Meanwhile as October advanced she had to face the alternative of returning to the Trenors or joining her aunt in town Even the desolating dulness of New York in October and the soapy discomforts of Mrs Penistons interior seemed preferable to what might await her at Bellomont and with an air of heroic devotion she announced her intention of remaining with her aunt till the holidays
Sacrifices of this nature are sometimes received with feelings as mixed as those which actuate them and Mrs Peniston remarked to her confidential maid that if any of the family were to be with her at such a crisis though for forty years she had been thought competent to see to the hanging of her own curtains she would certainly have preferred Miss Grace to Miss Lily Grace Stepney was an obscure cousin of adaptable manners and vicarious interests who ran in to sit with Mrs Peniston when Lily dined out too continuously who played bezique picked up dropped stitches read out the deaths from the Times and sincerely admired the purple satin drawingroom curtains the Dying Gladiator in the window and the sevenbyfive painting of Niagara which represented the one artistic excess of Mr Penistons temperate career
Mrs Peniston under ordinary circumstances was as much bored by her excellent cousin as the recipient of such services usually is by the person who performs them She greatly preferred the brilliant and unreliable Lily who did not know one end of a crochetneedle from the other and had frequently wounded her susceptibilities by suggesting that the drawingroom should be done over But when it came to hunting for missing napkins or helping to decide whether the backstairs needed recarpeting Graces judgment was certainly sounder than Lilys not to mention the fact that the latter resented the smell of beeswax and brown soap and behaved as though she thought a house ought to keep clean of itself without extraneous assistance
Seated under the cheerless blaze of the drawingroom chandelier—Mrs Peniston never lit the lamps unless there was company—Lily seemed to watch her own figure retreating down vistas of neutraltinted dulness to a middle age like Grace Stepneys When she ceased to amuse Judy Trenor and her friends she would have to fall back on amusing Mrs Peniston whichever way she looked she saw only a future of servitude to the whims of others never the possibility of asserting her own eager individuality
A ring at the doorbell sounding emphatically through the empty house roused her suddenly to the extent of her boredom It was as though all the weariness of the past months had culminated in the vacuity of that interminable evening If only the ring meant a summons from the outer world—a token that she was still remembered and wanted
After some delay a parlourmaid presented herself with the announcement that there was a person outside who was asking to see Miss Bart and on Lilys pressing for a more specific description she added
Its Mrs Haffen Miss she wont say what she wants
Lily to whom the name conveyed nothing opened the door upon a woman in a battered bonnet who stood firmly planted under the halllight The glare of the unshaded gas shone familiarly on her pockmarked face and the reddish baldness visible through thin strands of strawcoloured hair Lily looked at the charwoman in surprise
Do you wish to see me she asked
I should like to say a word to you Miss The tone was neither aggressive nor conciliatory it revealed nothing of the speakers errand Nevertheless some precautionary instinct warned Lily to withdraw beyond earshot of the hovering parlourmaid
She signed to Mrs Haffen to follow her into the drawingroom and closed the door when they had entered
What is it that you wish she enquired
The charwoman after the manner of her kind stood with her arms folded in her shawl Unwinding the latter she produced a small parcel wrapped in dirty newspaper
I have something here that you might like to see Miss Bart She spoke the name with an unpleasant emphasis as though her knowing it made a part of her reason for being there To Lily the intonation sounded like a threat
You have found something belonging to me she asked extending her hand
Mrs Haffen drew back Well if it comes to that I guess its mine as much as anybodys she returned
Lily looked at her perplexedly She was sure now that her visitors manner conveyed a threat but expert as she was in certain directions there was nothing in her experience to prepare her for the exact significance of the present scene She felt however that it must be ended as promptly as possible
I dont understand if this parcel is not mine why have you asked for me
The woman was unabashed by the question She was evidently prepared to answer it but like all her class she had to go a long way back to make a beginning and it was only after a pause that she replied My husband was janitor to the Benedick till the first of the month since then he cant get nothing to do
Lily remained silent and she continued It wasnt no fault of our own neither the agent had another man he wanted the place for and we was put out bag and baggage just to suit his fancy I had a long sickness last winter and an operation that ate up all wed put by and its hard for me and the children Haffen being so long out of a job
After all then she had come only to ask Miss Bart to find a place for her husband or more probably to seek the young ladys intervention with Mrs Peniston Lily had such an air of always getting what she wanted that she was used to being appealed to as an intermediary and relieved of her vague apprehension she took refuge in the conventional formula
I am sorry you have been in trouble she said
Oh that we have Miss and its ony just beginning If ony wed a got another situation—but the agent hes dead against us It aint no fault of ours neither but——
At this point Lilys impatience overcame her If you have anything to say to me—— she interposed
The womans resentment of the rebuff seemed to spur her lagging ideas
Yes Miss Im coming to that she said She paused again with her eyes on Lily and then continued in a tone of diffuse narrative When we was at the Benedick I had charge of some of the gentlemens rooms leastways I swep em out on Saturdays Some of the gentlemen got the greatest sight of letters I never saw the like of it Their wastepaper baskets d be fairly brimming and papers falling over on the floor Maybe havin so many is how they get so careless Some of em is worse than others Mr Selden Mr Lawrence Selden he was always one of the carefullest burnt his letters in winter and tore em in little bits in summer But sometimes hed have so many hed just bunch em together the way the others did and tear the lot through once—like this
While she spoke she had loosened the string from the parcel in her hand and now she drew forth a letter which she laid on the table between Miss Bart and herself As she had said the letter was torn in two but with a rapid gesture she laid the torn edges together and smoothed out the page
A wave of indignation swept over Lily She felt herself in the presence of something vile as yet but dimly conjectured—the kind of vileness of which people whispered but which she had never thought of as touching her own life She drew back with a motion of disgust but her withdrawal was checked by a sudden discovery under the glare of Mrs Penistons chandelier she had recognized the handwriting of the letter It was a large disjointed hand with a flourish of masculinity which but slightly disguised its rambling weakness and the words scrawled in heavy ink on paletinted notepaper smote on Lilys ear as though she had heard them spoken
At first she did not grasp the full import of the situation She understood only that before her lay a letter written by Bertha Dorset and addressed presumably to Lawrence Selden There was no date but the blackness of the ink proved the writing to be comparatively recent The packet in Mrs Haffens hand doubtless contained more letters of the same kind—a dozen Lily conjectured from its thickness The letter before her was short but its few words which had leapt into her brain before she was conscious of reading them told a long history—a history over which for the last four years the friends of the writer had smiled and shrugged viewing it merely as one among the countless good situations of the mundane comedy Now the other side presented itself to Lily the volcanic nether side of the surface over which conjecture and innuendo glide so lightly till the first fissure turns their whisper to a shriek Lily knew that there is nothing society resents so much as having given its protection to those who have not known how to profit by it it is for having betrayed its connivance that the body social punishes the offender who is found out And in this case there was no doubt of the issue The code of Lilys world decreed that a womans husband should be the only judge of her conduct she was technically above suspicion while she had the shelter of his approval or even of his indifference But with a man of George Dorsets temper there could be no thought of condonation—the possessor of his wifes letters could overthrow with a touch the whole structure of her existence And into what hands Bertha Dorsets secret had been delivered For a moment the irony of the coincidence tinged Lilys disgust with a confused sense of triumph But the disgust prevailed—all her instinctive resistances of taste of training of blind inherited scruples rose against the other feeling Her strongest sense was one of personal contamination
She moved away as though to put as much distance as possible between herself and her visitor I know nothing of these letters she said I have no idea why you have brought them here
Mrs Haffen faced her steadily Ill tell you why Miss I brought em to you to sell because I aint got no other way of raising money and if we dont pay our rent by tomorrow night well be put out I never done anythin of the kind before and if youd speak to Mr Selden or to Mr Rosedale about getting Haffen taken on again at the Benedick—I seen you talking to Mr Rosedale on the steps that day you come out of Mr Seldens rooms——
The blood rushed to Lilys forehead She understood now—Mrs Haffen supposed her to be the writer of the letters In the first leap of her anger she was about to ring and order the woman out but an obscure impulse restrained her The mention of Seldens name had started a new train of thought Bertha Dorsets letters were nothing to her—they might go where the current of chance carried them But Selden was inextricably involved in their fate Men do not at worst suffer much from such exposure and in this instance the flash of divination which had carried the meaning of the letters to Lilys brain had revealed also that they were appeals—repeated and therefore probably unanswered—for the renewal of a tie which time had evidently relaxed Nevertheless the fact that the correspondence had been allowed to fall into strange hands would convict Selden of negligence in a matter where the world holds it least pardonable and there were graver risks to consider where a man of Dorsets ticklish balance was concerned
If she weighed all these things it was unconsciously she was aware only of feeling that Selden would wish the letters rescued and that therefore she must obtain possession of them Beyond that her mind did not travel She had indeed a quick vision of returning the packet to Bertha Dorset and of the opportunities the restitution offered but this thought lit up abysses from which she shrank back ashamed
Meanwhile Mrs Haffen prompt to perceive her hesitation had already opened the packet and ranged its contents on the table All the letters had been pieced together with strips of thin paper Some were in small fragments the others merely torn in half Though there were not many thus spread out they nearly covered the table Lilys glance fell on a word here and there—then she said in a low voice What do you wish me to pay you
Mrs Haffens face reddened with satisfaction It was clear that the young lady was badly frightened and Mrs Haffen was the woman to make the most of such fears Anticipating an easier victory than she had foreseen she named an exorbitant sum
But Miss Bart showed herself a less ready prey than might have been expected from her imprudent opening She refused to pay the price named and after a moments hesitation met it by a counteroffer of half the amount
Mrs Haffen immediately stiffened Her hand travelled toward the outspread letters and folding them slowly she made as though to restore them to their wrapping
I guess theyre worth more to you than to me Miss but the poor has got to live as well as the rich she observed sententiously
Lily was throbbing with fear but the insinuation fortified her resistance
You are mistaken she said indifferently I have offered all I am willing to give for the letters but there may be other ways of getting them
Mrs Haffen raised a suspicious glance she was too experienced not to know that the traffic she was engaged in had perils as great as its rewards and she had a vision of the elaborate machinery of revenge which a word of this commanding young ladys might set in motion
She applied the corner of her shawl to her eyes and murmured through it that no good came of bearing too hard on the poor but that for her part she had never been mixed up in such a business before and that on her honour as a Christian all she and Haffen had thought of was that the letters mustnt go any farther
Lily stood motionless keeping between herself and the charwoman the greatest distance compatible with the need of speaking in low tones The idea of bargaining for the letters was intolerable to her but she knew that if she appeared to weaken Mrs Haffen would at once increase her original demand
She could never afterward recall how long the duel lasted or what was the decisive stroke which finally after a lapse of time recorded in minutes by the clock in hours by the precipitate beat of her pulses put her in possession of the letters she knew only that the door had finally closed and that she stood alone with the packet in her hand
She had no idea of reading the letters even to unfold Mrs Haffens dirty newspaper would have seemed degrading But what did she intend to do with its contents The recipient of the letters had meant to destroy them and it was her duty to carry out his intention She had no right to keep them—to do so was to lessen whatever merit lay in having secured their possession But how destroy them so effectually that there should be no second risk of their falling in such hands Mrs Penistons icy drawingroom grate shone with a forbidding lustre the fire like the lamps was never lit except when there was company
Miss Bart was turning to carry the letters upstairs when she heard the opening of the outer door and her aunt entered the drawingroom Mrs Peniston was a small plump woman with a colourless skin lined with trivial wrinkles Her grey hair was arranged with precision and her clothes looked excessively new and yet slightly oldfashioned They were always black and tightly fitting with an expensive glitter she was the kind of woman who wore jet at breakfast Lily had never seen her when she was not cuirassed in shining black with small tight boots and an air of being packed and ready to start yet she never started
She looked about the drawingroom with an expression of minute scrutiny I saw a streak of light under one of the blinds as I drove up its extraordinary that I can never teach that woman to draw them down evenly
Having corrected the irregularity she seated herself on one of the glossy purple armchairs Mrs Peniston always sat on a chair never in it
Then she turned her glance to Miss Bart My dear you look tired I suppose its the excitement of the wedding Cornelia Van Alstyne was full of it Molly was there and Gerty Farish ran in for a minute to tell us about it I think it was odd their serving melons before the CONSOMME a wedding breakfast should always begin with CONSOMME Molly didnt care for the bridesmaids dresses She had it straight from Julia Melson that they cost three hundred dollars apiece at Celestes but she says they didnt look it Im glad you decided not to be a bridesmaid that shade of salmonpink wouldnt have suited you Mrs Peniston delighted in discussing the minutest details of festivities in which she had not taken part Nothing would have induced her to undergo the exertion and fatigue of attending the Van Osburgh wedding but so great was her interest in the event that having heard two versions of it she now prepared to extract a third from her niece Lily however had been deplorably careless in noting the particulars of the entertainment She had failed to observe the colour of Mrs Van Osburghs gown and could not even say whether the old Van Osburgh Sevres had been used at the brides table Mrs Peniston in short found that she was of more service as a listener than as a narrator
Really Lily I dont see why you took the trouble to go to the wedding if you dont remember what happened or whom you saw there When I was a girl I used to keep the MENU of every dinner I went to and write the names of the people on the back and I never threw away my cotillion favours till after your uncles death when it seemed unsuitable to have so many coloured things about the house I had a whole closetfull I remember and I can tell to this day what balls I got them at Molly Van Alstyne reminds me of what I was at that age its wonderful how she notices She was able to tell her mother exactly how the weddingdress was cut and we knew at once from the fold in the back that it must have come from Paquin
Mrs Peniston rose abruptly and advancing to the ormolu clock surmounted by a helmeted Minerva which throned on the chimneypiece between two malachite vases passed her lace handkerchief between the helmet and its visor
I knew it—the parlourmaid never dusts there she exclaimed triumphantly displaying a minute spot on the handkerchief then reseating herself she went on Molly thought Mrs Dorset the bestdressed woman at the wedding Ive no doubt her dress DID cost more than any one elses but I cant quite like the idea—a combination of sable and POINT DE MILAN It seems she goes to a new man in Paris who wont take an order till his client has spent a day with him at his villa at Neuilly He says he must study his subjects home life—a most peculiar arrangement I should say But Mrs Dorset told Molly about it herself she said the villa was full of the most exquisite things and she was really sorry to leave Molly said she never saw her looking better she was in tremendous spirits and said she had made a match between Evie Van Osburgh and Percy Gryce She really seems to have a very good influence on young men I hear she is interesting herself now in that silly Silverton boy who has had his head turned by Carry Fisher and has been gambling so dreadfully Well as I was saying Evie is really engaged Mrs Dorset had her to stay with Percy Gryce and managed it all and Grace Van Osburgh is in the seventh heaven—she had almost despaired of marrying Evie
Mrs Peniston again paused but this time her scrutiny addressed itself not to the furniture but to her niece
Cornelia Van Alstyne was so surprised she had heard that you were to marry young Gryce She saw the Wetheralls just after they had stopped with you at Bellomont and Alice Wetherall was quite sure there was an engagement She said that when Mr Gryce left unexpectedly one morning they all thought he had rushed to town for the ring
Lily rose and moved toward the door
I believe I AM tired I think I will go to bed she said and Mrs Peniston suddenly distracted by the discovery that the easel sustaining the late Mr Penistons crayonportrait was not exactly in line with the sofa in front of it presented an absentminded brow to her kiss
In her own room Lily turned up the gasjet and glanced toward the grate It was as brilliantly polished as the one below but here at least she could burn a few papers with less risk of incurring her aunts disapproval She made no immediate motion to do so however but dropping into a chair looked wearily about her Her room was large and comfortablyfurnished—it was the envy and admiration of poor Grace Stepney who boarded but contrasted with the light tints and luxurious appointments of the guestrooms where so many weeks of Lilys existence were spent it seemed as dreary as a prison The monumental wardrobe and bedstead of black walnut had migrated from Mr Penistons bedroom and the magenta flock wallpaper of a pattern dear to the early sixties was hung with large steel engravings of an anecdotic character Lily had tried to mitigate this charmless background by a few frivolous touches in the shape of a lacedecked toilet table and a little painted desk surmounted by photographs but the futility of the attempt struck her as she looked about the room What a contrast to the subtle elegance of the setting she had pictured for herself—an apartment which should surpass the complicated luxury of her friends surroundings by the whole extent of that artistic sensibility which made her feel herself their superior in which every tint and line should combine to enhance her beauty and give distinction to her leisure Once more the haunting sense of physical ugliness was intensified by her mental depression so that each piece of the offending furniture seemed to thrust forth its most aggressive angle
Her aunts words had told her nothing new but they had revived the vision of Bertha Dorset smiling flattered victorious holding her up to ridicule by insinuations intelligible to every member of their little group The thought of the ridicule struck deeper than any other sensation Lily knew every turn of the allusive jargon which could flay its victims without the shedding of blood Her cheek burned at the recollection and she rose and caught up the letters She no longer meant to destroy them that intention had been effaced by the quick corrosion of Mrs Penistons words
Instead she approached her desk and lighting a taper tied and sealed the packet then she opened the wardrobe drew out a despatchbox and deposited the letters within it As she did so it struck her with a flash of irony that she was indebted to Gus Trenor for the means of buying them
Chapter 10
The autumn dragged on monotonously Miss Bart had received one or two notes from Judy Trenor reproaching her for not returning to Bellomont but she replied evasively alleging the obligation to remain with her aunt In truth however she was fast wearying of her solitary existence with Mrs Peniston and only the excitement of spending her newlyacquired money lightened the dulness of the days
All her life Lily had seen money go out as quickly as it came in and whatever theories she cultivated as to the prudence of setting aside a part of her gains she had unhappily no saving vision of the risks of the opposite course It was a keen satisfaction to feel that for a few months at least she would be independent of her friends bounty that she could show herself abroad without wondering whether some penetrating eye would detect in her dress the traces of Judy Trenors refurbished splendour The fact that the money freed her temporarily from all minor obligations obscured her sense of the greater one it represented and having never before known what it was to command so large a sum she lingered delectably over the amusement of spending it
It was on one of these occasions that leaving a shop where she had spent an hour of deliberation over a dressingcase of the most complicated elegance she ran across Miss Farish who had entered the same establishment with the modest object of having her watch repaired Lily was feeling unusually virtuous She had decided to defer the purchase of the dressingcase till she should receive the bill for her new operacloak and the resolve made her feel much richer than when she had entered the shop In this mood of selfapproval she had a sympathetic eye for others and she was struck by her friends air of dejection
Miss Farish it appeared had just left the committeemeeting of a struggling charity in which she was interested The object of the association was to provide comfortable lodgings with a readingroom and other modest distractions where young women of the class employed in down town offices might find a home when out of work or in need of rest and the first years financial report showed so deplorably small a balance that Miss Farish who was convinced of the urgency of the work felt proportionately discouraged by the small amount of interest it aroused The otherregarding sentiments had not been cultivated in Lily and she was often bored by the relation of her friends philanthropic efforts but today her quick dramatizing fancy seized on the contrast between her own situation and that represented by some of Gertys cases These were young girls like herself some perhaps pretty some not without a trace of her finer sensibilities She pictured herself leading such a life as theirs—a life in which achievement seemed as squalid as failure—and the vision made her shudder sympathetically The price of the dressingcase was still in her pocket and drawing out her little gold purse she slipped a liberal fraction of the amount into Miss Farishs hand
The satisfaction derived from this act was all that the most ardent moralist could have desired Lily felt a new interest in herself as a person of charitable instincts she had never before thought of doing good with the wealth she had so often dreamed of possessing but now her horizon was enlarged by the vision of a prodigal philanthropy Moreover by some obscure process of logic she felt that her momentary burst of generosity had justified all previous extravagances and excused any in which she might subsequently indulge Miss Farishs surprise and gratitude confirmed this feeling and Lily parted from her with a sense of selfesteem which she naturally mistook for the fruits of altruism
About this time she was farther cheered by an invitation to spend the Thanksgiving week at a camp in the Adirondacks The invitation was one which a year earlier would have provoked a less ready response for the party though organized by Mrs Fisher was ostensibly given by a lady of obscure origin and indomitable social ambitions whose acquaintance Lily had hitherto avoided Now however she was disposed to coincide with Mrs Fishers view that it didnt matter who gave the party as long as things were well done and doing things well under competent direction was Mrs Wellington Brys strong point The lady whose consort was known as Welly Bry on the Stock Exchange and in sporting circles had already sacrificed one husband and sundry minor considerations to her determination to get on and having obtained a hold on Carry Fisher she was astute enough to perceive the wisdom of committing herself entirely to that ladys guidance Everything accordingly was well done for there was no limit to Mrs Fishers prodigality when she was not spending her own money and as she remarked to her pupil a good cook was the best introduction to society If the company was not as select as the CUISINE the Welly Brys at least had the satisfaction of figuring for the first time in the society columns in company with one or two noticeable names and foremost among these was of course Miss Barts The young lady was treated by her hosts with corresponding deference and she was in the mood when such attentions are acceptable whatever their source Mrs Brys admiration was a mirror in which Lilys selfcomplacency recovered its lost outline No insect hangs its nest on threads as frail as those which will sustain the weight of human vanity and the sense of being of importance among the insignificant was enough to restore to Miss Bart the gratifying consciousness of power If these people paid court to her it proved that she was still conspicuous in the world to which they aspired and she was not above a certain enjoyment in dazzling them by her fineness in developing their puzzled perception of her superiorities
Perhaps however her enjoyment proceeded more than she was aware from the physical stimulus of the excursion the challenge of crisp cold and hard exercise the responsive thrill of her body to the influences of the winter woods She returned to town in a glow of rejuvenation conscious of a clearer colour in her cheeks a fresh elasticity in her muscles The future seemed full of a vague promise and all her apprehensions were swept out of sight on the buoyant current of her mood
A few days after her return to town she had the unpleasant surprise of a visit from Mr Rosedale He came late at the confidential hour when the teatable still lingers by the fire in friendly expectancy and his manner showed a readiness to adapt itself to the intimacy of the occasion
Lily who had a vague sense of his being somehow connected with her lucky speculations tried to give him the welcome he expected but there was something in the quality of his geniality which chilled her own and she was conscious of marking each step in their acquaintance by a fresh blunder
Mr Rosedale—making himself promptly at home in an adjoining easychair and sipping his tea critically with the comment You ought to go to my man for something really good—appeared totally unconscious of the repugnance which kept her in frozen erectness behind the urn It was perhaps her very manner of holding herself aloof that appealed to his collectors passion for the rare and unattainable He gave at any rate no sign of resenting it and seemed prepared to supply in his own manner all the ease that was lacking in hers
His object in calling was to ask her to go to the opera in his box on the opening night and seeing her hesitate he said persuasively Mrs Fisher is coming and Ive secured a tremendous admirer of yours wholl never forgive me if you dont accept
As Lilys silence left him with this allusion on his hands he added with a confidential smile Gus Trenor has promised to come to town on purpose I fancy hed go a good deal farther for the pleasure of seeing you
Miss Bart felt an inward motion of annoyance it was distasteful enough to hear her name coupled with Trenors and on Rosedales lips the allusion was peculiarly unpleasant
The Trenors are my best friends—I think we should all go a long way to see each other she said absorbing herself in the preparation of fresh tea
Her visitors smile grew increasingly intimate Well I wasnt thinking of Mrs Trenor at the moment—they say Gus doesnt always you know Then dimly conscious that he had not struck the right note he added with a wellmeant effort at diversion Hows your luck been going in Wall Street by the way I hear Gus pulled off a nice little pile for you last month
Lily put down the teacaddy with an abrupt gesture She felt that her hands were trembling and clasped them on her knee to steady them but her lip trembled too and for a moment she was afraid the tremor might communicate itself to her voice When she spoke however it was in a tone of perfect lightness
Ah yes—I had a little bit of money to invest and Mr Trenor who helps me about such matters advised my putting it in stocks instead of a mortgage as my aunts agent wanted me to do and as it happened I made a lucky turn—is that what you call it For you make a great many yourself I believe
She was smiling back at him now relaxing the tension of her attitude and admitting him by imperceptible gradations of glance and manner a step farther toward intimacy The protective instinct always nerved her to successful dissimulation and it was not the first time she had used her beauty to divert attention from an inconvenient topic
When Mr Rosedale took leave he carried with him not only her acceptance of his invitation but a general sense of having comported himself in a way calculated to advance his cause He had always believed he had a light touch and a knowing way with women and the prompt manner in which Miss Bart as he would have phrased it had come into line confirmed his confidence in his powers of handling this skittish sex Her way of glossing over the transaction with Trenor he regarded at once as a tribute to his own acuteness and a confirmation of his suspicions The girl was evidently nervous and Mr Rosedale if he saw no other means of advancing his acquaintance with her was not above taking advantage of her nervousness
He left Lily to a passion of disgust and fear It seemed incredible that Gus Trenor should have spoken of her to Rosedale With all his faults Trenor had the safeguard of his traditions and was the less likely to overstep them because they were so purely instinctive But Lily recalled with a pang that there were convivial moments when as Judy had confided to her Gus talked foolishly in one of these no doubt the fatal word had slipped from him As for Rosedale she did not after the first shock greatly care what conclusions he had drawn Though usually adroit enough where her own interests were concerned she made the mistake not uncommon to persons in whom the social habits are instinctive of supposing that the inability to acquire them quickly implies a general dulness Because a bluebottle bangs irrationally against a windowpane the drawingroom naturalist may forget that under less artificial conditions it is capable of measuring distances and drawing conclusions with all the accuracy needful to its welfare and the fact that Mr Rosedales drawingroom manner lacked perspective made Lily class him with Trenor and the other dull men she knew and assume that a little flattery and the occasional acceptance of his hospitality would suffice to render him innocuous However there could be no doubt of the expediency of showing herself in his box on the opening night of the opera and after all since Judy Trenor had promised to take him up that winter it was as well to reap the advantage of being first in the field
For a day or two after Rosedales visit Lilys thoughts were dogged by the consciousness of Trenors shadowy claim and she wished she had a clearer notion of the exact nature of the transaction which seemed to have put her in his power but her mind shrank from any unusual application and she was always helplessly puzzled by figures Moreover she had not seen Trenor since the day of the Van Osburgh wedding and in his continued absence the trace of Rosedales words was soon effaced by other impressions
When the opening night of the opera came her apprehensions had so completely vanished that the sight of Trenors ruddy countenance in the back of Mr Rosedales box filled her with a sense of pleasant reassurance Lily had not quite reconciled herself to the necessity of appearing as Rosedales guest on so conspicuous an occasion and it was a relief to find herself supported by any one of her own set—for Mrs Fishers social habits were too promiscuous for her presence to justify Miss Barts
To Lily always inspirited by the prospect of showing her beauty in public and conscious tonight of all the added enhancements of dress the insistency of Trenors gaze merged itself in the general stream of admiring looks of which she felt herself the centre Ah it was good to be young to be radiant to glow with the sense of slenderness strength and elasticity of wellpoised lines and happy tints to feel ones self lifted to a height apart by that incommunicable grace which is the bodily counterpart of genius
All means seemed justifiable to attain such an end or rather by a happy shifting of lights with which practice had familiarized Miss Bart the cause shrank to a pinpoint in the general brightness of the effect But brilliant young ladies a little blinded by their own effulgence are apt to forget that the modest satellite drowned in their light is still performing its own revolutions and generating heat at its own rate If Lilys poetic enjoyment of the moment was undisturbed by the base thought that her gown and opera cloak had been indirectly paid for by Gus Trenor the latter had not sufficient poetry in his composition to lose sight of these prosaic facts He knew only that he had never seen Lily look smarter in her life that there wasnt a woman in the house who showed off good clothes as she did and that hitherto he to whom she owed the opportunity of making this display had reaped no return beyond that of gazing at her in company with several hundred other pairs of eyes
It came to Lily therefore as a disagreeable surprise when in the back of the box where they found themselves alone between two acts Trenor said without preamble and in a tone of sulky authority Look here Lily how is a fellow ever to see anything of you Im in town three or four days in the week and you know a line to the club will always find me but you dont seem to remember my existence nowadays unless you want to get a tip out of me
The fact that the remark was in distinctly bad taste did not make it any easier to answer for Lily was vividly aware that it was not the moment for that drawing up of her slim figure and surprised lifting of the brows by which she usually quelled incipient signs of familiarity
Im very much flattered by your wanting to see me she returned essaying lightness instead but unless you have mislaid my address it would have been easy to find me any afternoon at my aunts—in fact I rather expected you to look me up there
If she hoped to mollify him by this last concession the attempt was a failure for he only replied with the familiar lowering of the brows that made him look his dullest when he was angry Hang going to your aunts and wasting the afternoon listening to a lot of other chaps talking to you You know Im not the kind to sit in a crowd and jaw—Id always rather clear out when that sort of circus is going on But why cant we go off somewhere on a little lark together—a nice quiet little expedition like that drive at Bellomont the day you met me at the station
He leaned unpleasantly close in order to convey this suggestion and she fancied she caught a significant aroma which explained the dark flush on his face and the glistening dampness of his forehead
The idea that any rash answer might provoke an unpleasant outburst tempered her disgust with caution and she answered with a laugh I dont see how one can very well take country drives in town but I am not always surrounded by an admiring throng and if you will let me know what afternoon you are coming I will arrange things so that we can have a nice quiet talk
Hang talking Thats what you always say returned Trenor whose expletives lacked variety You put me off with that at the Van Osburgh wedding—but the plain English of it is that now youve got what you wanted out of me youd rather have any other fellow about
His voice had risen sharply with the last words and Lily flushed with annoyance but she kept command of the situation and laid a persuasive hand on his arm
Dont be foolish Gus I cant let you talk to me in that ridiculous way If you really want to see me why shouldnt we take a walk in the Park some afternoon I agree with you that its amusing to be rustic in town and if you like Ill meet you there and well go and feed the squirrels and you shall take me out on the lake in the steamgondola
She smiled as she spoke letting her eyes rest on his in a way that took the edge from her banter and made him suddenly malleable to her will
All right then thats a go Will you come tomorrow Tomorrow at three oclock at the end of the Mall Ill be there sharp remember you wont go back on me Lily
But to Miss Barts relief the repetition of her promise was cut short by the opening of the box door to admit George Dorset
Trenor sulkily yielded his place and Lily turned a brilliant smile on the newcomer She had not talked with Dorset since their visit at Bellomont but something in his look and manner told her that he recalled the friendly footing on which they had last met He was not a man to whom the expression of admiration came easily his long sallow face and distrustful eyes seemed always barricaded against the expansive emotions But where her own influence was concerned Lilys intuitions sent out threadlike feelers and as she made room for him on the narrow sofa she was sure he found a dumb pleasure in being near her Few women took the trouble to make themselves agreeable to Dorset and Lily had been kind to him at Bellomont and was now smiling on him with a divine renewal of kindness
Well here we are in for another six months of caterwauling he began complainingly Not a shade of difference between this year and last except that the women have got new clothes and the singers havent got new voices My wifes musical you know—puts me through a course of this every winter It isnt so bad on Italian nights—then she comes late and theres time to digest But when they give Wagner we have to rush dinner and I pay up for it And the draughts are damnable—asphyxia in front and pleurisy in the back Theres Trenor leaving the box without drawing the curtain With a hide like that draughts dont make any difference Did you ever watch Trenor eat If you did youd wonder why hes alive I suppose hes leather inside too—But I came to say that my wife wants you to come down to our place next Sunday Do for heavens sake say yes Shes got a lot of bores coming—intellectual ones I mean thats her new line you know and Im not sure it aint worse than the music Some of em have long hair and they start an argument with the soup and dont notice when things are handed to them The consequence is the dinner gets cold and I have dyspepsia That silly ass Silverton brings them to the house—he writes poetry you know and Bertha and he are getting tremendously thick She could write better than any of em if she chose and I dont blame her for wanting clever fellows about all I say is Dont let me see em eat
The gist of this strange communication gave Lily a distinct thrill of pleasure Under ordinary circumstances there would have been nothing surprising in an invitation from Bertha Dorset but since the Bellomont episode an unavowed hostility had kept the two women apart Now with a start of inner wonder Lily felt that her thirst for retaliation had died out IF YOU WOULD FORGIVE YOUR ENEMY says the Malay proverb FIRST INFLICT A HURT ON HIM and Lily was experiencing the truth of the apothegm If she had destroyed Mrs Dorsets letters she might have continued to hate her but the fact that they remained in her possession had fed her resentment to satiety
She uttered a smiling acceptance hailing in the renewal of the tie an escape from Trenors importunities
Chapter 11
Meanwhile the holidays had gone by and the season was beginning Fifth Avenue had become a nightly torrent of carriages surging upward to the fashionable quarters about the Park where illuminated windows and outspread awnings betokened the usual routine of hospitality Other tributary currents crossed the mainstream bearing their freight to the theatres restaurants or opera and Mrs Peniston from the secluded watchtower of her upper window could tell to a nicety just when the chronic volume of sound was increased by the sudden influx setting toward a Van Osburgh ball or when the multiplication of wheels meant merely that the opera was over or that there was a big supper at Sherrys
Mrs Peniston followed the rise and culmination of the season as keenly as the most active sharer in its gaieties and as a lookeron she enjoyed opportunities of comparison and generalization such as those who take part must proverbially forego No one could have kept a more accurate record of social fluctuations or have put a more unerring finger on the distinguishing features of each season its dulness its extravagance its lack of balls or excess of divorces She had a special memory for the vicissitudes of the new people who rose to the surface with each recurring tide and were either submerged beneath its rush or landed triumphantly beyond the reach of envious breakers and she was apt to display a remarkable retrospective insight into their ultimate fate so that when they had fulfilled their destiny she was almost always able to say to Grace Stepney—the recipient of her prophecies—that she had known exactly what would happen
This particular season Mrs Peniston would have characterized as that in which everybody felt poor except the Welly Brys and Mr Simon Rosedale It had been a bad autumn in Wall Street where prices fell in accordance with that peculiar law which proves railway stocks and bales of cotton to be more sensitive to the allotment of executive power than many estimable citizens trained to all the advantages of selfgovernment Even fortunes supposed to be independent of the market either betrayed a secret dependence on it or suffered from a sympathetic affection fashion sulked in its country houses or came to town incognito general entertainments were discountenanced and informality and short dinners became the fashion
But society amused for a while at playing Cinderella soon wearied of the hearthside role and welcomed the Fairy Godmother in the shape of any magician powerful enough to turn the shrunken pumpkin back again into the golden coach The mere fact of growing richer at a time when most peoples investments are shrinking is calculated to attract envious attention and according to Wall Street rumours Welly Bry and Rosedale had found the secret of performing this miracle
Rosedale in particular was said to have doubled his fortune and there was talk of his buying the newlyfinished house of one of the victims of the crash who in the space of twelve short months had made the same number of millions built a house in Fifth Avenue filled a picturegallery with old masters entertained all New York in it and been smuggled out of the country between a trained nurse and a doctor while his creditors mounted guard over the old masters and his guests explained to each other that they had dined with him only because they wanted to see the pictures Mr Rosedale meant to have a less meteoric career He knew he should have to go slowly and the instincts of his race fitted him to suffer rebuffs and put up with delays But he was prompt to perceive that the general dulness of the season afforded him an unusual opportunity to shine and he set about with patient industry to form a background for his growing glory Mrs Fisher was of immense service to him at this period She had set off so many newcomers on the social stage that she was like one of those pieces of stock scenery which tell the experienced spectator exactly what is going to take place But Mr Rosedale wanted in the long run a more individual environment He was sensitive to shades of difference which Miss Bart would never have credited him with perceiving because he had no corresponding variations of manner and it was becoming more and more clear to him that Miss Bart herself possessed precisely the complementary qualities needed to round off his social personality
Such details did not fall within the range of Mrs Penistons vision Like many minds of panoramic sweep hers was apt to overlook the MINUTIAE of the foreground and she was much more likely to know where Carry Fisher had found the Welly Brys CHEF for them than what was happening to her own niece She was not however without purveyors of information ready to supplement her deficiencies Grace Stepneys mind was like a kind of moral flypaper to which the buzzing items of gossip were drawn by a fatal attraction and where they hung fast in the toils of an inexorable memory Lily would have been surprised to know how many trivial facts concerning herself were lodged in Miss Stepneys head She was quite aware that she was of interest to dingy people but she assumed that there is only one form of dinginess and that admiration for brilliancy is the natural expression of its inferior state She knew that Gerty Farish admired her blindly and therefore supposed that she inspired the same sentiments in Grace Stepney whom she classified as a Gerty Farish without the saving traits of youth and enthusiasm
In reality the two differed from each other as much as they differed from the object of their mutual contemplation Miss Farishs heart was a fountain of tender illusions Miss Stepneys a precise register of facts as manifested in their relation to herself She had sensibilities which to Lily would have seemed comic in a person with a freckled nose and red eyelids who lived in a boardinghouse and admired Mrs Penistons drawingroom but poor Graces limitations gave them a more concentrated inner life as poor soil starves certain plants into intenser efflorescence She had in truth no abstract propensity to malice she did not dislike Lily because the latter was brilliant and predominant but because she thought that Lily disliked her It is less mortifying to believe ones self unpopular than insignificant and vanity prefers to assume that indifference is a latent form of unfriendliness Even such scant civilities as Lily accorded to Mr Rosedale would have made Miss Stepney her friend for life but how could she foresee that such a friend was worth cultivating How moreover can a young woman who has never been ignored measure the pang which this injury inflicts And lastly how could Lily accustomed to choose between a pressure of engagements guess that she had mortally offended Miss Stepney by causing her to be excluded from one of Mrs Penistons infrequent dinnerparties
Mrs Peniston disliked giving dinners but she had a high sense of family obligation and on the Jack Stepneys return from their honeymoon she felt it incumbent upon her to light the drawingroom lamps and extract her best silver from the Safe Deposit vaults Mrs Penistons rare entertainments were preceded by days of heartrending vacillation as to every detail of the feast from the seating of the guests to the pattern of the tablecloth and in the course of one of these preliminary discussions she had imprudently suggested to her cousin Grace that as the dinner was a family affair she might be included in it For a week the prospect had lighted up Miss Stepneys colourless existence then she had been given to understand that it would be more convenient to have her another day Miss Stepney knew exactly what had happened Lily to whom family reunions were occasions of unalloyed dulness had persuaded her aunt that a dinner of smart people would be much more to the taste of the young couple and Mrs Peniston who leaned helplessly on her niece in social matters had been prevailed upon to pronounce Graces exile After all Grace could come any other day why should she mind being put off
It was precisely because Miss Stepney could come any other day—and because she knew her relations were in the secret of her unoccupied evenings—that this incident loomed gigantically on her horizon She was aware that she had Lily to thank for it and dull resentment was turned to active animosity
Mrs Peniston on whom she had looked in a day or two after the dinner laid down her crochetwork and turned abruptly from her oblique survey of Fifth Avenue
Gus Trenor—Lily and Gus Trenor she said growing so suddenly pale that her visitor was almost alarmed
Oh cousin Julia … of course I dont mean …
I dont know what you DO mean said Mrs Peniston with a frightened quiver in her small fretful voice Such things were never heard of in my day And my own niece Im not sure I understand you Do people say hes in love with her
Mrs Penistons horror was genuine Though she boasted an unequalled familiarity with the secret chronicles of society she had the innocence of the schoolgirl who regards wickedness as a part of history and to whom it never occurs that the scandals she reads of in lessonhours may be repeating themselves in the next street Mrs Peniston had kept her imagination shrouded like the drawingroom furniture She knew of course that society was very much changed and that many women her mother would have thought peculiar were now in a position to be critical about their visitinglists she had discussed the perils of divorce with her rector and had felt thankful at times that Lily was still unmarried but the idea that any scandal could attach to a young girls name above all that it could be lightly coupled with that of a married man was so new to her that she was as much aghast as if she had been accused of leaving her carpets down all summer or of violating any of the other cardinal laws of housekeeping
Miss Stepney when her first fright had subsided began to feel the superiority that greater breadth of mind confers It was really pitiable to be as ignorant of the world as Mrs Peniston She smiled at the latters question People always say unpleasant things—and certainly theyre a great deal together A friend of mine met them the other afternoon in the Parkquite late after the lamps were lit Its a pity Lily makes herself so conspicuous
CONSPICUOUS gasped Mrs Peniston She bent forward lowering her voice to mitigate the horror What sort of things do they say That he means to get a divorce and marry her
Grace Stepney laughed outright Dear me no He would hardly do that It—its a flirtation—nothing more
A flirtation Between my niece and a married man Do you mean to tell me that with Lilys looks and advantages she could find no better use for her time than to waste it on a fat stupid man almost old enough to be her father This argument had such a convincing ring that it gave Mrs Peniston sufficient reassurance to pick up her work while she waited for Grace Stepney to rally her scattered forces
But Miss Stepney was on the spot in an instant Thats the worst of it—people say she isnt wasting her time Every one knows as you say that Lily is too handsome andand charming—to devote herself to a man like Gus Trenor unless—
Unless echoed Mrs Peniston Her visitor drew breath nervously It was agreeable to shock Mrs Peniston but not to shock her to the verge of anger Miss Stepney was not sufficiently familiar with the classic drama to have recalled in advance how bearers of bad tidings are proverbially received but she now had a rapid vision of forfeited dinners and a reduced wardrobe as the possible consequence of her disinterestedness To the honour of her sex however hatred of Lily prevailed over more personal considerations Mrs Peniston had chosen the wrong moment to boast of her nieces charms
Unless said Grace leaning forward to speak with lowtoned emphasis unless there are material advantages to be gained by making herself agreeable to him
She felt that the moment was tremendous and remembered suddenly that Mrs Penistons black brocade with the cut jet fringe would have been hers at the end of the season
Mrs Peniston put down her work again Another aspect of the same idea had presented itself to her and she felt that it was beneath her dignity to have her nerves racked by a dependent relative who wore her old clothes
If you take pleasure in annoying me by mysterious insinuations she said coldly you might at least have chosen a more suitable time than just as I am recovering from the strain of giving a large dinner
The mention of the dinner dispelled Miss Stepneys last scruples I dont know why I should be accused of taking pleasure in telling you about Lily I was sure I shouldnt get any thanks for it she returned with a flare of temper But I have some family feeling left and as you are the only person who has any authority over Lily I thought you ought to know what is being said of her
Well said Mrs Peniston what I complain of is that you havent told me yet what IS being said
I didnt suppose I should have to put it so plainly People say that Gus Trenor pays her bills
Pays her bills—her bills Mrs Peniston broke into a laugh I cant imagine where you can have picked up such rubbish Lily has her own income—and I provide for her very handsomely—
Oh we all know that interposed Miss Stepney drily But Lily wears a great many smart gowns—
I like her to be welldressed—its only suitable
Certainly but then there are her gambling debts besides
Miss Stepney in the beginning had not meant to bring up this point but Mrs Peniston had only her own incredulity to blame She was like the stiffnecked unbelievers of Scripture who must be annihilated to be convinced
Gambling debts Lily Mrs Penistons voice shook with anger and bewilderment She wondered whether Grace Stepney had gone out of her mind What do you mean by her gambling debts
Simply that if one plays bridge for money in Lilys set one is liable to lose a great deal—and I dont suppose Lily always wins
Who told you that my niece played cards for money
Mercy cousin Julia dont look at me as if I were trying to turn you against Lily Everybody knows she is crazy about bridge Mrs Gryce told me herself that it was her gambling that frightened Percy Gryce—it seems he was really taken with her at first But of course among Lilys friends its quite the custom for girls to play for money In fact people are inclined to excuse her on that account——
To excuse her for what
For being hard up—and accepting attentions from men like Gus Trenor—and George Dorset——
Mrs Peniston gave another cry George Dorset Is there any one else I should like to know the worst if you please
Dont put it in that way cousin Julia Lately Lily has been a good deal with the Dorsets and he seems to admire her—but of course thats only natural And Im sure there is no truth in the horrid things people say but she HAS been spending a great deal of money this winter Evie Van Osburgh was at Celestes ordering her trousseau the other day—yes the marriage takes place next month—and she told me that Celeste showed her the most exquisite things she was just sending home to Lily And people say that Judy Trenor has quarrelled with her on account of Gus but Im sure Im sorry I spoke though I only meant it as a kindness
Mrs Penistons genuine incredulity enabled her to dismiss Miss Stepney with a disdain which boded ill for that ladys prospect of succeeding to the black brocade but minds impenetrable to reason have generally some crack through which suspicion filters and her visitors insinuations did not glide off as easily as she had expected Mrs Peniston disliked scenes and her determination to avoid them had always led her to hold herself aloof from the details of Lilys life In her youth girls had not been supposed to require close supervision They were generally assumed to be taken up with the legitimate business of courtship and marriage and interference in such affairs on the part of their natural guardians was considered as unwarrantable as a spectators suddenly joining in a game There had of course been fast girls even in Mrs Penistons early experience but their fastness at worst was understood to be a mere excess of animal spirits against which there could be no graver charge than that of being unladylike The modern fastness appeared synonymous with immorality and the mere idea of immorality was as offensive to Mrs Peniston as a smell of cooking in the drawingroom it was one of the conceptions her mind refused to admit
She had no immediate intention of repeating to Lily what she had heard or even of trying to ascertain its truth by means of discreet interrogation To do so might be to provoke a scene and a scene in the shaken state of Mrs Penistons nerves with the effects of her dinner not worn off and her mind still tremulous with new impressions was a risk she deemed it her duty to avoid But there remained in her thoughts a settled deposit of resentment against her niece all the denser because it was not to be cleared by explanation or discussion It was horrible of a young girl to let herself be talked about however unfounded the charges against her she must be to blame for their having been made Mrs Peniston felt as if there had been a contagious illness in the house and she was doomed to sit shivering among her contaminated furniture
Chapter 12
Miss Bart had in fact been treading a devious way and none of her critics could have been more alive to the fact than herself but she had a fatalistic sense of being drawn from one wrong turning to another without ever perceiving the right road till it was too late to take it
Lily who considered herself above narrow prejudices had not imagined that the fact of letting Gus Trenor make a little money for her would ever disturb her selfcomplacency And the fact in itself still seemed harmless enough only it was a fertile source of harmful complications As she exhausted the amusement of spending the money these complications became more pressing and Lily whose mind could be severely logical in tracing the causes of her illluck to others justified herself by the thought that she owed all her troubles to the enmity of Bertha Dorset This enmity however had apparently expired in a renewal of friendliness between the two women Lilys visit to the Dorsets had resulted for both in the discovery that they could be of use to each other and the civilized instinct finds a subtler pleasure in making use of its antagonist than in confounding him Mrs Dorset was in fact engaged in a new sentimental experiment of which Mrs Fishers late property Ned Silverton was the rosy victim and at such moments as Judy Trenor had once remarked she felt a peculiar need of distracting her husbands attention Dorset was as difficult to amuse as a savage but even his selfengrossment was not proof against Lilys arts or rather these were especially adapted to soothe an uneasy egoism Her experience with Percy Gryce stood her in good stead in ministering to Dorsets humours and if the incentive to please was less urgent the difficulties of her situation were teaching her to make much of minor opportunities
Intimacy with the Dorsets was not likely to lessen such difficulties on the material side Mrs Dorset had none of Judy Trenors lavish impulses and Dorsets admiration was not likely to express itself in financial tips even had Lily cared to renew her experiences in that line What she required for the moment of the Dorsets friendship was simply its social sanction She knew that people were beginning to talk of her but this fact did not alarm her as it had alarmed Mrs Peniston In her set such gossip was not unusual and a handsome girl who flirted with a married man was merely assumed to be pressing to the limit of her opportunities It was Trenor himself who frightened her Their walk in the Park had not been a success Trenor had married young and since his marriage his intercourse with women had not taken the form of the sentimental smalltalk which doubles upon itself like the paths in a maze He was first puzzled and then irritated to find himself always led back to the same startingpoint and Lily felt that she was gradually losing control of the situation Trenor was in truth in an unmanageable mood In spite of his understanding with Rosedale he had been somewhat heavily touched by the fall in stocks his household expenses weighed on him and he seemed to be meeting on all sides a sullen opposition to his wishes instead of the easy good luck he had hitherto encountered
Mrs Trenor was still at Bellomont keeping the townhouse open and descending on it now and then for a taste of the world but preferring the recurrent excitement of weekend parties to the restrictions of a dull season Since the holidays she had not urged Lily to return to Bellomont and the first time they met in town Lily fancied there was a shade of coldness in her manner Was it merely the expression of her displeasure at Miss Barts neglect or had disquieting rumours reached her The latter contingency seemed improbable yet Lily was not without a sense of uneasiness If her roaming sympathies had struck root anywhere it was in her friendship with Judy Trenor She believed in the sincerity of her friends affection though it sometimes showed itself in selfinterested ways and she shrank with peculiar reluctance from any risk of estranging it But aside from this she was keenly conscious of the way in which such an estrangement would react on herself The fact that Gus Trenor was Judys husband was at times Lilys strongest reason for disliking him and for resenting the obligation under which he had placed her To set her doubts at rest Miss Bart soon after the New Year proposed herself for a weekend at Bellomont She had learned in advance that the presence of a large party would protect her from too great assiduity on Trenors part and his wifes telegraphic come by all means seemed to assure her of her usual welcome
Judy received her amicably The cares of a large party always prevailed over personal feelings and Lily saw no change in her hostesss manner Nevertheless she was soon aware that the experiment of coming to Bellomont was destined not to be successful The party was made up of what Mrs Trenor called poky people—her generic name for persons who did not play bridge—and it being her habit to group all such obstructionists in one class she usually invited them together regardless of their other characteristics The result was apt to be an irreducible combination of persons having no other quality in common than their abstinence from bridge and the antagonisms developed in a group lacking the one taste which might have amalgamated them were in this case aggravated by bad weather and by the illconcealed boredom of their host and hostess In such emergencies Judy would usually have turned to Lily to fuse the discordant elements and Miss Bart assuming that such a service was expected of her threw herself into it with her accustomed zeal But at the outset she perceived a subtle resistance to her efforts If Mrs Trenors manner toward her was unchanged there was certainly a faint coldness in that of the other ladies An occasional caustic allusion to your friends the Wellington Brys or to the little Jew who has bought the Greiner house—some one told us you knew him Miss Bart—showed Lily that she was in disfavour with that portion of society which while contributing least to its amusement has assumed the right to decide what forms that amusement shall take The indication was a slight one and a year ago Lily would have smiled at it trusting to the charm of her personality to dispel any prejudice against her But now she had grown more sensitive to criticism and less confident in her power of disarming it She knew moreover that if the ladies at Bellomont permitted themselves to criticize her friends openly it was a proof that they were not afraid of subjecting her to the same treatment behind her back The nervous dread lest anything in Trenors manner should seem to justify their disapproval made her seek every pretext for avoiding him and she left Bellomont conscious of having failed in every purpose which had taken her there
In town she returned to preoccupations which for the moment had the happy effect of banishing troublesome thoughts The Welly Brys after much debate and anxious counsel with their newly acquired friends had decided on the bold move of giving a general entertainment To attack society collectively when ones means of approach are limited to a few acquaintances is like advancing into a strange country with an insufficient number of scouts but such rash tactics have sometimes led to brilliant victories and the Brys had determined to put their fate to the touch Mrs Fisher to whom they had entrusted the conduct of the affair had decided that TABLEAUX VIVANTS and expensive music were the two baits most likely to attract the desired prey and after prolonged negotiations and the kind of wirepulling in which she was known to excel she had induced a dozen fashionable women to exhibit themselves in a series of pictures which by a farther miracle of persuasion the distinguished portrait painter Paul Morpeth had been prevailed upon to organize
Lily was in her element on such occasions Under Morpeths guidance her vivid plastic sense hitherto nurtured on no higher food than dressmaking and upholstery found eager expression in the disposal of draperies the study of attitudes the shifting of lights and shadows Her dramatic instinct was roused by the choice of subjects and the gorgeous reproductions of historic dress stirred an imagination which only visual impressions could reach But keenest of all was the exhilaration of displaying her own beauty under a new aspect of showing that her loveliness was no mere fixed quality but an element shaping all emotions to fresh forms of grace
Mrs Fishers measures had been welltaken and society surprised in a dull moment succumbed to the temptation of Mrs Brys hospitality The protesting minority were forgotten in the throng which abjured and came and the audience was almost as brilliant as the show
Lawrence Selden was among those who had yielded to the proffered inducements If he did not often act on the accepted social axiom that a man may go where he pleases it was because he had long since learned that his pleasures were mainly to be found in a small group of the likeminded But he enjoyed spectacular effects and was not insensible to the part money plays in their production all he asked was that the very rich should live up to their calling as stagemanagers and not spend their money in a dull way This the Brys could certainly not be charged with doing Their recently built house whatever it might lack as a frame for domesticity was almost as welldesigned for the display of a festal assemblage as one of those airy pleasurehalls which the Italian architects improvised to set off the hospitality of princes The air of improvisation was in fact strikingly present so recent so rapidlyevoked was the whole MISEENSCENE that one had to touch the marble columns to learn they were not of cardboard to seat ones self in one of the damaskandgold armchairs to be sure it was not painted against the wall
Selden who had put one of these seats to the test found himself from an angle of the ballroom surveying the scene with frank enjoyment The company in obedience to the decorative instinct which calls for fine clothes in fine surroundings had dressed rather with an eye to Mrs Brys background than to herself The seated throng filling the immense room without undue crowding presented a surface of rich tissues and jewelled shoulders in harmony with the festooned and gilded walls and the flushed splendours of the Venetian ceiling At the farther end of the room a stage had been constructed behind a proscenium arch curtained with folds of old damask but in the pause before the parting of the folds there was little thought of what they might reveal for every woman who had accepted Mrs Brys invitation was engaged in trying to find out how many of her friends had done the same
Gerty Farish seated next to Selden was lost in that indiscriminate and uncritical enjoyment so irritating to Miss Barts finer perceptions It may be that Seldens nearness had something to do with the quality of his cousins pleasure but Miss Farish was so little accustomed to refer her enjoyment of such scenes to her own share in them that she was merely conscious of a deeper sense of contentment
Wasnt it dear of Lily to get me an invitation Of course it would never have occurred to Carry Fisher to put me on the list and I should have been so sorry to miss seeing it all—and especially Lily herself Some one told me the ceiling was by Veronese—you would know of course Lawrence I suppose its very beautiful but his women are so dreadfully fat Goddesses Well I can only say that if theyd been mortals and had to wear corsets it would have been better for them I think our women are much handsomer And this room is wonderfully becoming—every one looks so well Did you ever see such jewels Do look at Mrs George Dorsets pearls—I suppose the smallest of them would pay the rent of our Girls Club for a year Not that I ought to complain about the club every one has been so wonderfully kind Did I tell you that Lily had given us three hundred dollars Wasnt it splendid of her And then she collected a lot of money from her friends—Mrs Bry gave us five hundred and Mr Rosedale a thousand I wish Lily were not so nice to Mr Rosedale but she says its no use being rude to him because he doesnt see the difference She really cant bear to hurt peoples feelings—it makes me so angry when I hear her called cold and conceited The girls at the club dont call her that Do you know she has been there with me twice—yes Lily And you should have seen their eyes One of them said it was as good as a day in the country just to look at her And she sat there and laughed and talked with them—not a bit as if she were being CHARITABLE you know but as if she liked it as much as they did Theyve been asking ever since when shes coming back and shes promised me——oh
Miss Farishs confidences were cut short by the parting of the curtain on the first TABLEAU—a group of nymphs dancing across flowerstrewn sward in the rhythmic postures of Botticellis Spring TABLEAUX VIVANTS depend for their effect not only on the happy disposal of lights and the delusiveinterposition of layers of gauze but on a corresponding adjustment of the mental vision To unfurnished minds they remain in spite of every enhancement of art only a superior kind of waxworks but to the responsive fancy they may give magic glimpses of the boundary world between fact and imagination Seldens mind was of this order he could yield to visionmaking influences as completely as a child to the spell of a fairytale Mrs Brys TABLEAUX wanted none of the qualities which go to the producing of such illusions and under Morpeths organizing hand the pictures succeeded each other with the rhythmic march of some splendid frieze in which the fugitive curves of living flesh and the wandering light of young eyes have been subdued to plastic harmony without losing the charm of life
The scenes were taken from old pictures and the participators had been cleverly fitted with characters suited to their types No one for instance could have made a more typical Goya than Carry Fisher with her short darkskinned face the exaggerated glow of her eyes the provocation of her franklypainted smile A brilliant Miss Smedden from Brooklyn showed to perfection the sumptuous curves of Titians Daughter lifting her gold salver laden with grapes above the harmonizing gold of rippled hair and rich brocade and a young Mrs Van Alstyne who showed the frailer Dutch type with high blueveined forehead and pale eyes and lashes made a characteristic Vandyck in black satin against a curtained archway Then there were Kauffmann nymphs garlanding the altar of Love a Veronese supper all sheeny textures pearlwoven heads and marble architecture and a Watteau group of luteplaying comedians lounging by a fountain in a sunlit glade
Each evanescent picture touched the visionbuilding faculty in Selden leading him so far down the vistas of fancy that even Gerty Farishs running commentary—Oh how lovely Lulu Melson looks or That must be Kate Corby to the right there in purple—did not break the spell of the illusion Indeed so skilfully had the personality of the actors been subdued to the scenes they figured in that even the least imaginative of the audience must have felt a thrill of contrast when the curtain suddenly parted on a picture which was simply and undisguisedly the portrait of Miss Bart
Here there could be no mistaking the predominance of personality—the unanimous Oh of the spectators was a tribute not to the brushwork of Reynoldss Mrs Lloyd but to the flesh and blood loveliness of Lily Bart She had shown her artistic intelligence in selecting a type so like her own that she could embody the person represented without ceasing to be herself It was as though she had stepped not out of but into Reynoldss canvas banishing the phantom of his dead beauty by the beams of her living grace The impulse to show herself in a splendid setting—she had thought for a moment of representing Tiepolos Cleopatra—had yielded to the truer instinct of trusting to her unassisted beauty and she had purposely chosen a picture without distracting accessories of dress or surroundings Her pale draperies and the background of foliage against which she stood served only to relieve the long dryadlike curves that swept upward from her poised foot to her lifted arm The noble buoyancy of her attitude its suggestion of soaring grace revealed the touch of poetry in her beauty that Selden always felt in her presence yet lost the sense of when he was not with her Its expression was now so vivid that for the first time he seemed to see before him the real Lily Bart divested of the trivialities of her little world and catching for a moment a note of that eternal harmony of which her beauty was a part
Deuced bold thing to show herself in that getup but gad there isnt a break in the lines anywhere and I suppose she wanted us to know it
These words uttered by that experienced connoisseur Mr Ned Van Alstyne whose scented white moustache had brushed Seldens shoulder whenever the parting of the curtains presented any exceptional opportunity for the study of the female outline affected their hearer in an unexpected way It was not the first time that Selden had heard Lilys beauty lightly remarked on and hitherto the tone of the comments had imperceptibly coloured his view of her But now it woke only a motion of indignant contempt This was the world she lived in these were the standards by which she was fated to be measured Does one go to Caliban for a judgment on Miranda
In the long moment before the curtain fell he had time to feel the whole tragedy of her life It was as though her beauty thus detached from all that cheapened and vulgarized it had held out suppliant hands to him from the world in which he and she had once met for a moment and where he felt an overmastering longing to be with her again
He was roused by the pressure of ecstatic fingers Wasnt she too beautiful Lawrence Dont you like her best in that simple dress It makes her look like the real Lily—the Lily I know
He met Gerty Farishs brimming gaze The Lily we know he corrected and his cousin beaming at the implied understanding exclaimed joyfully Ill tell her that She always says you dislike her
The performance over Seldens first impulse was to seek Miss Bart During the interlude of music which succeeded the TABLEAUX the actors had seated themselves here and there in the audience diversifying its conventional appearance by the varied picturesqueness of their dress Lily however was not among them and her absence served to protract the effect she had produced on Selden it would have broken the spell to see her too soon in the surroundings from which accident had so happily detached her They had not met since the day of the Van Osburgh wedding and on his side the avoidance had been intentional Tonight however he knew that sooner or later he should find himself at her side and though he let the dispersing crowd drift him whither it would without making an immediate effort to reach her his procrastination was not due to any lingering resistance but to the desire to luxuriate a moment in the sense of complete surrender
Lily had not an instants doubt as to the meaning of the murmur greeting her appearance No other tableau had been received with that precise note of approval it had obviously been called forth by herself and not by the picture she impersonated She had feared at the last moment that she was risking too much in dispensing with the advantages of a more sumptuous setting and the completeness of her triumph gave her an intoxicating sense of recovered power Not caring to diminish the impression she had produced she held herself aloof from the audience till the movement of dispersal before supper and thus had a second opportunity of showing herself to advantage as the throng poured slowly into the empty drawingroom where she was standing
She was soon the centre of a group which increased and renewed itself as the circulation became general and the individual comments on her success were a delightful prolongation of the collective applause At such moments she lost something of her natural fastidiousness and cared less for the quality of the admiration received than for its quantity Differences of personality were merged in a warm atmosphere of praise in which her beauty expanded like a flower in sunlight and if Selden had approached a moment or two sooner he would have seen her turning on Ned Van Alstyne and George Dorset the look he had dreamed of capturing for himself
Fortune willed however that the hurried approach of Mrs Fisher as whose aidedecamp Van Alstyne was acting should break up the group before Selden reached the threshold of the room One or two of the men wandered off in search of their partners for supper and the others noticing Seldens approach gave way to him in accordance with the tacit freemasonry of the ballroom Lily was therefore standing alone when he reached her and finding the expected look in her eye he had the satisfaction of supposing he had kindled it The look did indeed deepen as it rested on him for even in that moment of selfintoxication Lily felt the quicker beat of life that his nearness always produced She read too in his answering gaze the delicious confirmation of her triumph and for the moment it seemed to her that it was for him only she cared to be beautiful
Selden had given her his arm without speaking She took it in silence and they moved away not toward the supperroom but against the tide which was setting thither The faces about her flowed by like the streaming images of sleep she hardly noticed where Selden was leading her till they passed through a glass doorway at the end of the long suite of rooms and stood suddenly in the fragrant hush of a garden Gravel grated beneath their feet and about them was the transparent dimness of a midsummer night Hanging lights made emerald caverns in the depths of foliage and whitened the spray of a fountain falling among lilies The magic place was deserted there was no sound but the splash of the water on the lilypads and a distant drift of music that might have been blown across a sleeping lake
Selden and Lily stood still accepting the unreality of the scene as a part of their own dreamlike sensations It would not have surprised them to feel a summer breeze on their faces or to see the lights among the boughs reduplicated in the arch of a starry sky The strange solitude about them was no stranger than the sweetness of being alone in it together At length Lily withdrew her hand and moved away a step so that her whiterobed slimness was outlined against the dusk of the branches Selden followed her and still without speaking they seated themselves on a bench beside the fountain
Suddenly she raised her eyes with the beseeching earnestness of a child You never speak to me—you think hard things of me she murmured
I think of you at any rate God knows he said
Then why do we never see each other Why cant we be friends You promised once to help me she continued in the same tone as though the words were drawn from her unwillingly
The only way I can help you is by loving you Selden said in a low voice
She made no reply but her face turned to him with the soft motion of a flower His own met it slowly and their lips touched She drew back and rose from her seat Selden rose too and they stood facing each other Suddenly she caught his hand and pressed it a moment against her cheek
Ah love me love me—but dont tell me so she sighed with her eyes in his and before he could speak she had turned and slipped through the arch of boughs disappearing in the brightness of the room beyond
Selden stood where she had left him He knew too well the transiency of exquisite moments to attempt to follow her but presently he reentered the house and made his way through the deserted rooms to the door A few sumptuouslycloaked ladies were already gathered in the marble vestibule and in the coatroom he found Van Alstyne and Gus Trenor
The former at Seldens approach paused in the careful selection of a cigar from one of the silver boxes invitingly set out near the door
Hallo Selden going too Youre an Epicurean like myself I see you dont want to see all those goddesses gobbling terrapin Gad what a show of goodlooking women but not one of em could touch that little cousin of mine Talk of jewels—whats a woman want with jewels when shes got herself to show The trouble is that all these falbals they wear cover up their figures when theyve got em I never knew till tonight what an outline Lily has
Its not her fault if everybody dont know it now growled Trenor flushed with the struggle of getting into his furlined coat Damned bad taste I call it—no no cigar for me You cant tell what youre smoking in one of these new houses—likely as not the CHEF buys the cigars Stay for supper Not if I know it When people crowd their rooms so that you cant get near any one you want to speak to Id as soon sup in the elevated at the rush hour My wife was dead right to stay away she says lifes too short to spend it in breaking in new people
Chapter 13
Lily woke from happy dreams to find two notes at her bedside
One was from Mrs Trenor who announced that she was coming to town that afternoon for a flying visit and hoped Miss Bart would be able to dine with her The other was from Selden He wrote briefly that an important case called him to Albany whence he would be unable to return till the evening and asked Lily to let him know at what hour on the following day she would see him
Lily leaning back among her pillows gazed musingly at his letter The scene in the Brys conservatory had been like a part of her dreams she had not expected to wake to such evidence of its reality Her first movement was one of annoyance this unforeseen act of Seldens added another complication to life It was so unlike him to yield to such an irrational impulse Did he really mean to ask her to marry him She had once shown him the impossibility of such a hope and his subsequent behaviour seemed to prove that he had accepted the situation with a reasonableness somewhat mortifying to her vanity It was all the more agreeable to find that this reasonableness was maintained only at the cost of not seeing her but though nothing in life was as sweet as the sense of her power over him she saw the danger of allowing the episode of the previous night to have a sequel Since she could not marry him it would be kinder to him as well as easier for herself to write a line amicably evading his request to see her he was not the man to mistake such a hint and when next they met it would be on their usual friendly footing
Lily sprang out of bed and went straight to her desk She wanted to write at once while she could trust to the strength of her resolve She was still languid from her brief sleep and the exhilaration of the evening and the sight of Seldens writing brought back the culminating moment of her triumph the moment when she had read in his eyes that no philosophy was proof against her power It would be pleasant to have that sensation again … no one else could give it to her in its fulness and she could not bear to mar her mood of luxurious retrospection by an act of definite refusal She took up her pen and wrote hastily TOMORROW AT FOUR murmuring to herself as she slipped the sheet into its envelope I can easily put him off when tomorrow comes
Judy Trenors summons was very welcome to Lily It was the first time she had received a direct communication from Bellomont since the close of her last visit there and she was still visited by the dread of having incurred Judys displeasure But this characteristic command seemed to reestablish their former relations and Lily smiled at the thought that her friend had probably summoned her in order to hear about the Brys entertainment Mrs Trenor had absented herself from the feast perhaps for the reason so frankly enunciated by her husband perhaps because as Mrs Fisher somewhat differently put it she couldnt bear new people when she hadnt discovered them herself At any rate though she remained haughtily at Bellomont Lily suspected in her a devouring eagerness to hear of what she had missed and to learn exactly in what measure Mrs Wellington Bry had surpassed all previous competitors for social recognition Lily was quite ready to gratify this curiosity but it happened that she was dining out She determined however to see Mrs Trenor for a few moments and ringing for her maid she despatched a telegram to say that she would be with her friend that evening at ten
She was dining with Mrs Fisher who had gathered at an informal feast a few of the performers of the previous evening There was to be plantation music in the studio after dinner—for Mrs Fisher despairing of the republic had taken up modelling and annexed to her small crowded house a spacious apartment which whatever its uses in her hours of plastic inspiration served at other times for the exercise of an indefatigable hospitality Lily was reluctant to leave for the dinner was amusing and she would have liked to lounge over a cigarette and hear a few songs but she could not break her engagement with Judy and shortly after ten she asked her hostess to ring for a hansom and drove up Fifth Avenue to the Trenors
She waited long enough on the doorstep to wonder that Judys presence in town was not signalized by a greater promptness in admitting her and her surprise was increased when instead of the expected footman pushing his shoulders into a tardy coat a shabby caretaking person in calico let her into the shrouded hall Trenor however appeared at once on the threshold of the drawingroom welcoming her with unusual volubility while he relieved her of her cloak and drew her into the room
Come along to the den its the only comfortable place in the house Doesnt this room look as if it was waiting for the body to be brought down Cant see why Judy keeps the house wrapped up in this awful slippery white stuff—its enough to give a fellow pneumonia to walk through these rooms on a cold day You look a little pinched yourself by the way its rather a sharp night out I noticed it walking up from the club Come along and Ill give you a nip of brandy and you can toast yourself over the fire and try some of my new Egyptians—that little Turkish chap at the Embassy put me on to a brand that I want you to try and if you like em Ill get out a lot for you they dont have em here yet but Ill cable
He led her through the house to the large room at the back where Mrs Trenor usually sat and where even in her absence there was an air of occupancy Here as usual were flowers newspapers a littered writingtable and a general aspect of lamplit familiarity so that it was a surprise not to see Judys energetic figure start up from the armchair near the fire
It was apparently Trenor himself who had been occupying the seat in question for it was overhung by a cloud of cigar smoke and near it stood one of those intricate folding tables which British ingenuity has devised to facilitate the circulation of tobacco and spirits The sight of such appliances in a drawingroom was not unusual in Lilys set where smoking and drinking were unrestricted by considerations of time and place and her first movement was to help herself to one of the cigarettes recommended by Trenor while she checked his loquacity by asking with a surprised glance Wheres Judy
Trenor a little heated by his unusual flow of words and perhaps by prolonged propinquity with the decanters was bending over the latter to decipher their silver labels
Here now Lily just a drop of cognac in a little fizzy water—you do look pinched you know I swear the end of your nose is red Ill take another glass to keep you company—Judy—Why you see Judys got a devil of a head ache—quite knocked out with it poor thing—she asked me to explain—make it all right you know—Do come up to the fire though you look deadbeat really Now do let me make you comfortable theres a good girl
He had taken her hand halfbanteringly and was drawing her toward a low seat by the hearth but she stopped and freed herself quietly
Do you mean to say that Judys not well enough to see me Doesnt she want me to go upstairs
Trenor drained the glass he had filled for himself and paused to set it down before he answered
Why no—the fact is shes not up to seeing anybody It came on suddenly you know and she asked me to tell you how awfully sorry she was—if shed known where you were dining shed have sent you word
She did know where I was dining I mentioned it in my telegram But it doesnt matter of course I suppose if shes so poorly she wont go back to Bellomont in the morning and I can come and see her then
Yes exactly—thats capital Ill tell her youll pop in tomorrow morning And now do sit down a minute theres a dear and lets have a nice quiet jaw together You wont take a drop just for sociability Tell me what you think of that cigarette Why dont you like it What are you chucking it away for
I am chucking it away because I must go if youll have the goodness to call a cab for me Lily returned with a smile
She did not like Trenors unusual excitability with its too evident explanation and the thought of being alone with him with her friend out of reach upstairs at the other end of the great empty house did not conduce to a desire to prolong their TETEATETE
But Trenor with a promptness which did not escape her had moved between herself and the door
Why must you go I should like to know If Judyd been here youd have sat gossiping till all hours—and you cant even give me five minutes Its always the same story Last night I couldnt get near you—I went to that damned vulgar party just to see you and there was everybody talking about you and asking me if Id ever seen anything so stunning and when I tried to come up and say a word you never took any notice but just went on laughing and joking with a lot of asses who only wanted to be able to swagger about afterward and look knowing when you were mentioned
He paused flushed by his diatribe and fixing on her a look in which resentment was the ingredient she least disliked But she had regained her presence of mind and stood composedly in the middle of the room while her slight smile seemed to put an ever increasing distance between herself and Trenor
Across it she said Dont be absurd Gus Its past eleven and I must really ask you to ring for a cab
He remained immovable with the lowering forehead she had grown to detest
And supposing I wont ring for one—whatll you do then
I shall go upstairs to Judy if you force me to disturb her
Trenor drew a step nearer and laid his hand on her arm Look here Lily wont you give me five minutes of your own accord
Not tonight Gus you——
Very good then Ill take em And as many more as I want He had squared himself on the threshold his hands thrust deep in his pockets He nodded toward the chair on the hearth
Go and sit down there please Ive got a word to say to you
Lilys quick temper was getting the better of her fears She drew herself up and moved toward the door
If you have anything to say to me you must say it another time I shall go up to Judy unless you call a cab for me at once
He burst into a laugh Go upstairs and welcome my dear but you wont find Judy She aint there
Lily cast a startled look upon him Do you mean that Judy is not in the house—not in town she exclaimed
Thats just what I do mean returned Trenor his bluster sinking to sullenness under her look
Nonsense—I dont believe you I am going upstairs she said impatiently
He drew unexpectedly aside letting her reach the threshold unimpeded
Go up and welcome but my wife is at Bellomont
But Lily had a flash of reassurance If she hadnt come she would have sent me word——
She did she telephoned me this afternoon to let you know
I received no message
I didnt send any
The two measured each other for a moment but Lily still saw her opponent through a blur of scorn that made all other considerations indistinct
I cant imagine your object in playing such a stupid trick on me but if you have fully gratified your peculiar sense of humour I must again ask you to send for a cab
It was the wrong note and she knew it as she spoke To be stung by irony it is not necessary to understand it and the angry streaks on Trenors face might have been raised by an actual lash
Look here Lily dont take that high and mighty tone with me He had again moved toward the door and in her instinctive shrinking from him she let him regain command of the threshold I DID play a trick on you I own up to it but if you think Im ashamed youre mistaken Lord knows Ive been patient enough—Ive hung round and looked like an ass And all the while you were letting a lot of other fellows make up to you … letting em make fun of me I daresay … Im not sharp and cant dress my friends up to look funny as you do … but I can tell when its being done to me … I can tell fast enough when Im made a fool of …
Ah I shouldnt have thought that flashed from Lily but her laugh dropped to silence under his look
No you wouldnt have thought it but youll know better now Thats what youre here for tonight Ive been waiting for a quiet time to talk things over and now Ive got it I mean to make you hear me out
His first rush of inarticulate resentment had been followed by a steadiness and concentration of tone more disconcerting to Lily than the excitement preceding it For a moment her presence of mind forsook her She had more than once been in situations where a quick swordplay of wit had been needful to cover her retreat but her frightened heartthrobs told her that here such skill would not avail
To gain time she repeated I dont understand what you want
Trenor had pushed a chair between herself and the door He threw himself in it and leaned back looking up at her
Ill tell you what I want I want to know just where you and I stand Hang it the man who pays for the dinner is generally allowed to have a seat at table
She flamed with anger and abasement and the sickening need of having to conciliate where she longed to humble
I dont know what you mean—but you must see Gus that I cant stay here talking to you at this hour——
Gad you go to mens houses fast enough in broad day light—strikes me youre not always so deuced careful of appearances
The brutality of the thrust gave her the sense of dizziness that follows on a physical blow Rosedale had spoken then—this was the way men talked of her—She felt suddenly weak and defenceless there was a throb of selfpity in her throat But all the while another self was sharpening her to vigilance whispering the terrified warning that every word and gesture must be measured
If you have brought me here to say insulting things—— she began
Trenor laughed Dont talk stagerot I dont want to insult you But a mans got his feelings—and youve played with mine too long I didnt begin this business—kept out of the way and left the track clear for the other chaps till you rummaged me out and set to work to make an ass of me—and an easy job you had of it too Thats the trouble—it was too easy for you—you got reckless—thought you could turn me inside out and chuck me in the gutter like an empty purse But by gad that aint playing fair thats dodging the rules of the game Of course I know now what you wanted—it wasnt my beautiful eyes you were after—but I tell you what Miss Lily youve got to pay up for making me think so——
He rose squaring his shoulders aggressively and stepped toward her with a reddening brow but she held her footing though every nerve tore at her to retreat as he advanced
Pay up she faltered Do you mean that I owe you money
He laughed again Oh Im not asking for payment in kind But theres such a thing as fair play—and interest on ones money—and hang me if Ive had as much as a look from you——
Your money What have I to do with your money You advised me how to invest mine … you must have seen I knew nothing of business … you told me it was all right——
It WAS all right—it is Lily youre welcome to all of it and ten times more Im only asking for a word of thanks from you He was closer still with a hand that grew formidable and the frightened self in her was dragging the other down
I HAVE thanked you Ive shown I was grateful What more have you done than any friend might do or any one accept from a friend
Trenor caught her up with a sneer I dont doubt youve accepted as much before—and chucked the other chaps as youd like to chuck me I dont care how you settled your score with them—if you fooled em Im that much to the good Dont stare at me like that—I know Im not talking the way a man is supposed to talk to a girl—but hang it if you dont like it you can stop me quick enough—you know Im mad about you—damn the money theres plenty more of it—if THAT bothers you … I was a brute Lily—Lily—just look at me——
Over and over her the sea of humiliation broke—wave crashing on wave so close that the moral shame was one with the physical dread It seemed to her that selfesteem would have made her invulnerable—that it was her own dishonour which put a fearful solitude about her
His touch was a shock to her drowning consciousness She drew back from him with a desperate assumption of scorn
Ive told you I dont understand—but if I owe you money you shall be paid——
Trenors face darkened to rage her recoil of abhorrence had called out the primitive man
Ah—youll borrow from Selden or Rosedale—and take your chances of fooling them as youve fooled me Unless—unless youve settled your other scores already—and Im the only one left out in the cold
She stood silent frozen to her place The words—the words were worse than the touch Her heart was beating all over her body—in her throat her limbs her helpless useless hands Her eyes travelled despairingly about the room—they lit on the bell and she remembered that help was in call Yes but scandal with it—a hideous mustering of tongues No she must fight her way out alone It was enough that the servants knew her to be in the house with Trenor—there must be nothing to excite conjecture in her way of leaving it
She raised her head and achieved a last clear look at him
I am here alone with you she said What more have you to say
To her surprise Trenor answered the look with a speechless stare With his last gust of words the flame had died out leaving him chill and humbled It was as though a cold air had dispersed the fumes of his libations and the situation loomed before him black and naked as the ruins of a fire Old habits old restraints the hand of inherited order plucked back the bewildered mind which passion had jolted from its ruts Trenors eye had the haggard look of the sleepwalker waked on a deathly ledge
Go home Go away from here——he stammered and turning his back on her walked toward the hearth
The sharp release from her fears restored Lily to immediate lucidity The collapse of Trenors will left her in control and she heard herself in a voice that was her own yet outside herself bidding him ring for the servant bidding him give the order for a hansom directing him to put her in it when it came Whence the strength came to her she knew not but an insistent voice warned her that she must leave the house openly and nerved her in the hall before the hovering care taker to exchange light words with Trenor and charge him with the usual messages for Judy while all the while she shook with inward loathing On the doorstep with the street before her she felt a mad throb of liberation intoxicating as the prisoners first draught of free air but the clearness of brain continued and she noted the mute aspect of Fifth Avenue guessed at the lateness of the hour and even observed a mans figure—was there something halffamiliar in its outline—which as she entered the hansom turned from the opposite corner and vanished in the obscurity of the side street
But with the turn of the wheels reaction came and shuddering darkness closed on her I cant think—I cant think she moaned and leaned her head against the rattling side of the cab She seemed a stranger to herself or rather there were two selves in her the one she had always known and a new abhorrent being to which it found itself chained She had once picked up in a house where she was staying a translation of the EUMENIDES and her imagination had been seized by the high terror of the scene where Orestes in the cave of the oracle finds his implacable huntresses asleep and snatches an hours repose Yes the Furies might sometimes sleep but they were there always there in the dark corners and now they were awake and the iron clang of their wings was in her brain … She opened her eyes and saw the streets passing—the familiar alien streets All she looked on was the same and yet changed There was a great gulf fixed between today and yesterday Everything in the past seemed simple natural full of daylight—and she was alone in a place of darkness and pollution—Alone It was the loneliness that frightened her Her eyes fell on an illuminated clock at a street corner and she saw that the hands marked the half hour after eleven Only halfpast eleven—there were hours and hours left of the night And she must spend them alone shuddering sleepless on her bed Her soft nature recoiled from this ordeal which had none of the stimulus of conflict to goad her through it Oh the slow cold drip of the minutes on her head She had a vision of herself lying on the black walnut bed—and the darkness would frighten her and if she left the light burning the dreary details of the room would brand themselves forever on her brain She had always hated her room at Mrs Penistons—its ugliness its impersonality the fact that nothing in it was really hers To a torn heart uncomforted by human nearness a room may open almost human arms and the being to whom no four walls mean more than any others is at such hours expatriate everywhere
Lily had no heart to lean on Her relation with her aunt was as superficial as that of chance lodgers who pass on the stairs But even had the two been in closer contact it was impossible to think of Mrs Penistons mind as offering shelter or comprehension to such misery as Lilys As the pain that can be told is but half a pain so the pity that questions has little healing in its touch What Lily craved was the darkness made by enfolding arms the silence which is not solitude but compassion holding its breath
She started up and looked forth on the passing streets Gerty—they were nearing Gertys corner If only she could reach there before this labouring anguish burst from her breast to her lips—if only she could feel the hold of Gertys arms while she shook in the aguefit of fear that was coming upon her She pushed up the door in the roof and called the address to the driver It was not so late—Gerty might still be waking And even if she were not the sound of the bell would penetrate every recess of her tiny apartment and rouse her to answer her friends call
Chapter 14
Gerty Farish the morning after the Wellington Brys entertainment woke from dreams as happy as Lilys If they were less vivid in hue more subdued to the halftints of her personality and her experience they were for that very reason better suited to her mental vision Such flashes of joy as Lily moved in would have blinded Miss Farish who was accustomed in the way of happiness to such scant light as shone through the cracks of other peoples lives
Now she was the centre of a little illumination of her own a mild but unmistakable beam compounded of Lawrence Seldens growing kindness to herself and the discovery that he extended his liking to Lily Bart If these two factors seem incompatible to the student of feminine psychology it must be remembered that Gerty had always been a parasite in the moral order living on the crumbs of other tables and content to look through the window at the banquet spread for her friends Now that she was enjoying a little private feast of her own it would have seemed incredibly selfish not to lay a plate for a friend and there was no one with whom she would rather have shared her enjoyment than Miss Bart
As to the nature of Seldens growing kindness Gerty would no more have dared to define it than she would have tried to learn a butterflys colours by knocking the dust from its wings To seize on the wonder would be to brush off its bloom and perhaps see it fade and stiffen in her hand better the sense of beauty palpitating out of reach while she held her breath and watched where it would alight Yet Seldens manner at the Brys had brought the flutter of wings so close that they seemed to be beating in her own heart She had never seen him so alert so responsive so attentive to what she had to say His habitual manner had an absentminded kindliness which she accepted and was grateful for as the liveliest sentiment her presence was likely to inspire but she was quick to feel in him a change implying that for once she could give pleasure as well as receive it
And it was so delightful that this higher degree of sympathy should be reached through their interest in Lily Bart
Gertys affection for her friend—a sentiment that had learned to keep itself alive on the scantiest diet—had grown to active adoration since Lilys restless curiosity had drawn her into the circle of Miss Farishs work Lilys taste of beneficence had wakened in her a momentary appetite for welldoing Her visit to the Girls Club had first brought her in contact with the dramatic contrasts of life She had always accepted with philosophic calm the fact that such existences as hers were pedestalled on foundations of obscure humanity The dreary limbo of dinginess lay all around and beneath that little illuminated circle in which life reached its finest efflorescence as the mud and sleet of a winter night enclose a hothouse filled with tropical flowers All this was in the natural order of things and the orchid basking in its artificially created atmosphere could round the delicate curves of its petals undisturbed by the ice on the panes
But it is one thing to live comfortably with the abstract conception of poverty another to be brought in contact with its human embodiments Lily had never conceived of these victims of fate otherwise than in the mass That the mass was composed of individual lives innumerable separate centres of sensation with her own eager reachings for pleasure her own fierce revulsions from pain—that some of these bundles of feeling were clothed in shapes not so unlike her own with eyes meant to look on gladness and young lips shaped for love—this discovery gave Lily one of those sudden shocks of pity that sometimes decentralize a life Lilys nature was incapable of such renewal she could feel other demands only through her own and no pain was long vivid which did not press on an answering nerve But for the moment she was drawn out of herself by the interest of her direct relation with a world so unlike her own She had supplemented her first gift by personal assistance to one or two of Miss Farishs most appealing subjects and the admiration and interest her presence excited among the tired workers at the club ministered in a new form to her insatiable desire to please
Gerty Farish was not a close enough reader of character to disentangle the mixed threads of which Lilys philanthropy was woven She supposed her beautiful friend to be actuated by the same motive as herself—that sharpening of the moral vision which makes all human suffering so near and insistent that the other aspects of life fade into remoteness Gerty lived by such simple formulas that she did not hesitate to class her friends state with the emotional change of heart to which her dealings with the poor had accustomed her and she rejoiced in the thought that she had been the humble instrument of this renewal Now she had an answer to all criticisms of Lilys conduct as she had said she knew the real Lily and the discovery that Selden shared her knowledge raised her placid acceptance of life to a dazzled sense of its possibilities—a sense farther enlarged in the course of the afternoon by the receipt of a telegram from Selden asking if he might dine with her that evening
While Gerty was lost in the happy bustle which this announcement produced in her small household Selden was at one with her in thinking with intensity of Lily Bart The case which had called him to Albany was not complicated enough to absorb all his attention and he had the professional faculty of keeping a part of his mind free when its services were not needed This part—which at the moment seemed dangerously like the whole—was filled to the brim with the sensations of the previous evening Selden understood the symptoms he recognized the fact that he was paying up as there had always been a chance of his having to pay up for the voluntary exclusions of his past He had meant to keep free from permanent ties not from any poverty of feeling but because in a different way he was as much as Lily the victim of his environment There had been a germ of truth in his declaration to Gerty Farish that he had never wanted to marry a nice girl the adjective connoting in his cousins vocabulary certain utilitarian qualities which are apt to preclude the luxury of charm Now it had been Seldens fate to have a charming mother her graceful portrait all smiles and Cashmere still emitted a faded scent of the undefinable quality His father was the kind of man who delights in a charming woman who quotes her stimulates her and keeps her perennially charming Neither one of the couple cared for money but their disdain of it took the form of always spending a little more than was prudent If their house was shabby it was exquisitely kept if there were good books on the shelves there were also good dishes on the table Selden senior had an eye for a picture his wife an understanding of old lace and both were so conscious of restraint and discrimination in buying that they never quite knew how it was that the bills mounted up
Though many of Seldens friends would have called his parents poor he had grown up in an atmosphere where restricted means were felt only as a check on aimless profusion where the few possessions were so good that their rarity gave them a merited relief and abstinence was combined with elegance in a way exemplified by Mrs Seldens knack of wearing her old velvet as if it were new A man has the advantage of being delivered early from the home point of view and before Selden left college he had learned that there are as many different ways of going without money as of spending it Unfortunately he found no way as agreeable as that practised at home and his views of womankind in especial were tinged by the remembrance of the one woman who had given him his sense of values It was from her that he inherited his detachment from the sumptuary side of life the stoics carelessness of material things combined with the Epicureans pleasure in them Life shorn of either feeling appeared to him a diminished thing and nowhere was the blending of the two ingredients so essential as in the character of a pretty woman
It had always seemed to Selden that experience offered a great deal besides the sentimental adventure yet he could vividly conceive of a love which should broaden and deepen till it became the central fact of life What he could not accept in his own case was the makeshift alternative of a relation that should be less than this that should leave some portions of his nature unsatisfied while it put an undue strain on others He would not in other words yield to the growth of an affection which might appeal to pity yet leave the understanding untouched sympathy should no more delude him than a trick of the eyes the grace of helplessness than a curve of the cheek
But now—that little BUT passed like a sponge over all his vows His reasonedout resistances seemed for the moment so much less important than the question as to when Lily would receive his note He yielded himself to the charm of trivial preoccupations wondering at what hour her reply would be sent with what words it would begin As to its import he had no doubt—he was as sure of her surrender as of his own And so he had leisure to muse on all its exquisite details as a hard worker on a holiday morning might lie still and watch the beam of light travel gradually across his room But if the new light dazzled it did not blind him He could still discern the outline of facts though his own relation to them had changed He was no less conscious than before of what was said of Lily Bart but he could separate the woman he knew from the vulgar estimate of her His mind turned to Gerty Farishs words and the wisdom of the world seemed a groping thing beside the insight of innocence BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART FOR THEY SHALL SEE GOD—even the hidden god in their neighbours breast Selden was in the state of impassioned selfabsorption that the first surrender to love produces His craving was for the companionship of one whose point of view should justify his own who should confirm by deliberate observation the truth to which his intuitions had leaped He could not wait for the midday recess but seized a moments leisure in court to scribble his telegram to Gerty Farish
Reaching town he was driven direct to his club where he hoped a note from Miss Bart might await him But his box contained only a line of rapturous assent from Gerty and he was turning away disappointed when he was hailed by a voice from the smoking room
Hallo Lawrence Dining here Take a bite with me—Ive ordered a canvasback
He discovered Trenor in his day clothes sitting with a tall glass at his elbow behind the folds of a sporting journal
Selden thanked him but pleaded an engagement
Hang it I believe every man in town has an engagement tonight I shall have the club to myself You know how Im living this winter rattling round in that empty house My wife meant to come to town today but shes put it off again and how is a fellow to dine alone in a room with the lookingglasses covered and nothing but a bottle of Harvey sauce on the sideboard I say Lawrence chuck your engagement and take pity on me—it gives me the blue devils to dine alone and theres nobody but that canting ass Wetherall in the club
Sorry Gus—I cant do it
As Selden turned away he noticed the dark flush on Trenors face the unpleasant moisture of his intensely white forehead the way his jewelled rings were wedged in the creases of his fat red fingers Certainly the beast was predominating—the beast at the bottom of the glass And he had heard this mans name coupled with Lilys Bah—the thought sickened him all the way back to his rooms he was haunted by the sight of Trenors fat creased hands——
On his table lay the note Lily had sent it to his rooms He knew what was in it before he broke the seal—a grey seal with BEYOND beneath a flying ship Ah he would take her beyond—beyond the ugliness the pettiness the attrition and corrosion of the soul——
Gertys little sittingroom sparkled with welcome when Selden entered it Its modest effects compact of enamel paint and ingenuity spoke to him in the language just then sweetest to his ear It is surprising how little narrow walls and a low ceiling matter when the roof of the soul has suddenly been raised Gerty sparkled too or at least shone with a tempered radiance He had never before noticed that she had points—really some good fellow might do worse … Over the little dinner and here again the effects were wonderful he told her she ought to marry—he was in a mood to pair off the whole world She had made the caramel custard with her own hands It was sinful to keep such gifts to herself He reflected with a throb of pride that Lily could trim her own hats—she had told him so the day of their walk at Bellomont
He did not speak of Lily till after dinner During the little repast he kept the talk on his hostess who fluttered at being the centre of observation shone as rosy as the candleshades she had manufactured for the occasion Selden evinced an extraordinary interest in her household arrangements complimented her on the ingenuity with which she had utilized every inch of her small quarters asked how her servant managed about afternoons out learned that one may improvise delicious dinners in a chafingdish and uttered thoughtful generalizations on the burden of a large establishment
When they were in the sittingroom again where they fitted as snugly as bits in a puzzle and she had brewed the coffee and poured it into her grandmothers eggshell cups his eye as he leaned back basking in the warm fragrance lighted on a recent photograph of Miss Bart and the desired transition was effected without an effort The photograph was well enough—but to catch her as she had looked last night Gerty agreed with him—never had she been so radiant But could photography capture that light There had been a new look in her face—something different yes Selden agreed there had been something different The coffee was so exquisite that he asked for a second cup such a contrast to the watery stuff at the club Ah your poor bachelor with his impersonal club fare alternating with the equally impersonal CUISINE of the dinnerparty A man who lived in lodgings missed the best part of life—he pictured the flavourless solitude of Trenors repast and felt a moments compassion for the man … But to return to Lily—and again and again he returned questioning conjecturing leading Gerty on draining her inmost thoughts of their stored tenderness for her friend
At first she poured herself out unstintingly happy in this perfect communion of their sympathies His understanding of Lily helped to confirm her own belief in her friend They dwelt together on the fact that Lily had had no chance Gerty instanced her generous impulses—her restlessness and discontent The fact that her life had never satisfied her proved that she was made for better things She might have married more than once—the conventional rich marriage which she had been taught to consider the sole end of existence—but when the opportunity came she had always shrunk from it Percy Gryce for instance had been in love with her—every one at Bellomont had supposed them to be engaged and her dismissal of him was thought inexplicable This view of the Gryce incident chimed too well with Seldens mood not to be instantly adopted by him with a flash of retrospective contempt for what had once seemed the obvious solution If rejection there had been—and he wondered now that he had ever doubted it—then he held the key to the secret and the hillsides of Bellomont were lit up not with sunset but with dawn It was he who had wavered and disowned the face of opportunity—and the joy now warming his breast might have been a familiar inmate if he had captured it in its first flight
It was at this point perhaps that a joy just trying its wings in Gertys heart dropped to earth and lay still She sat facing Selden repeating mechanically No she has never been understood—— and all the while she herself seemed to be sitting in the centre of a great glare of comprehension The little confidential room where a moment ago their thoughts had touched elbows like their chairs grew to unfriendly vastness separating her from Selden by all the length of her new vision of the future—and that future stretched out interminably with her lonely figure toiling down it a mere speck on the solitude
She is herself with a few people only and you are one of them she heard Selden saying And again Be good to her Gerty wont you and She has it in her to become whatever she is believed to be—youll help her by believing the best of her
The words beat on Gertys brain like the sound of a language which has seemed familiar at a distance but on approaching is found to be unintelligible He had come to talk to her of Lily—that was all There had been a third at the feast she had spread for him and that third had taken her own place She tried to follow what he was saying to cling to her own part in the talk—but it was all as meaningless as the boom of waves in a drowning head and she felt as the drowning may feel that to sink would be nothing beside the pain of struggling to keep up
Selden rose and she drew a deep breath feeling that soon she could yield to the blessed waves
Mrs Fishers You say she was dining there Theres music afterward I believe I had a card from her He glanced at the foolish pinkfaced clock that was drumming out this hideous hour A quarter past ten I might look in there now the Fisher evenings are amusing I havent kept you up too late Gerty You look tired—Ive rambled on and bored you And in the unwonted overflow of his feelings he left a cousinly kiss upon her cheek
At Mrs Fishers through the cigarsmoke of the studio a dozen voices greeted Selden A song was pending as he entered and he dropped into a seat near his hostess his eyes roaming in search of Miss Bart But she was not there and the discovery gave him a pang out of all proportion to its seriousness since the note in his breastpocket assured him that at four the next day they would meet To his impatience it seemed immeasurably long to wait and halfashamed of the impulse he leaned to Mrs Fisher to ask as the music ceased if Miss Bart had not dined with her
Lily Shes just gone She had to run off I forget where Wasnt she wonderful last night
Whos that Lily asked Jack Stepney from the depths of a neighbouring armchair Really you know Im no prude but when it comes to a girl standing there as if she was up at auction—I thought seriously of speaking to cousin Julia
You didnt know Jack had become our social censor Mrs Fisher said to Selden with a laugh and Stepney spluttered amid the general derision But shes a cousin hang it and when a mans married—TOWN TALK was full of her this morning
Yes lively reading that was said Mr Ned Van Alstyne stroking his moustache to hide the smile behind it Buy the dirty sheet No of course not some fellow showed it to me—but Id heard the stories before When a girls as goodlooking as that shed better marry then no questions are asked In our imperfectly organized society there is no provision as yet for the young woman who claims the privileges of marriage without assuming its obligations
Well I understand Lily is about to assume them in the shape of Mr Rosedale Mrs Fisher said with a laugh
Rosedale—good heavens exclaimed Van Alstyne dropping his eyeglass Stepney thats your fault for foisting the brute on us
Oh confound it you know we dont MARRY Rosedale in our family Stepney languidly protested but his wife who sat in oppressive bridal finery at the other side of the room quelled him with the judicial reflection In Lilys circumstances its a mistake to have too high a standard
I hear even Rosedale has been scared by the talk lately Mrs Fisher rejoined but the sight of her last night sent him off his head What do you think he said to me after her TABLEAU My God Mrs Fisher if I could get Paul Morpeth to paint her like that the pictured appreciate a hundred per cent in ten years
By Jove—but isnt she about somewhere exclaimed Van Alstyne restoring his glass with an uneasy glance
No she ran off while you were all mixing the punch down stairs Where was she going by the way Whats on tonight I hadnt heard of anything
Oh not a party I think said an inexperienced young Farish who had arrived late I put her in her cab as I was coming in and she gave the driver the Trenors address
The Trenors exclaimed Mrs Jack Stepney Why the house is closed—Judy telephoned me from Bellomont this evening
Did she Thats queer Im sure Im not mistaken Well come now Trenors there anyhow—I—oh well—the fact is Ive no head for numbers he broke off admonished by the nudge of an adjoining foot and the smile that circled the room
In its unpleasant light Selden had risen and was shaking hands with his hostess The air of the place stifled him and he wondered why he had stayed in it so long
On the doorstep he stood still remembering a phrase of Lilys It seems to me you spend a good deal of time in the element you disapprove of
Well—what had brought him there but the quest of her It was her element not his But he would lift her out of it take her beyond That BEYOND on her letter was like a cry for rescue He knew that Perseuss task is not done when he has loosed Andromedas chains for her limbs are numb with bondage and she cannot rise and walk but clings to him with dragging arms as he beats back to land with his burden Well he had strength for both—it was her weakness which had put the strength in him It was not alas a clean rush of waves they had to win through but a clogging morass of old associations and habits and for the moment its vapours were in his throat But he would see clearer breathe freer in her presence she was at once the dead weight at his breast and the spar which should float them to safety He smiled at the whirl of metaphor with which he was trying to build up a defence against the influences of the last hour It was pitiable that he who knew the mixed motives on which social judgments depend should still feel himself so swayed by them How could he lift Lily to a freer vision of life if his own view of her was to be coloured by any mind in which he saw her reflected
The moral oppression had produced a physical craving for air and he strode on opening his lungs to the reverberating coldness of the night At the corner of Fifth Avenue Van Alstyne hailed him with an offer of company
Walking A good thing to blow the smoke out of ones head Now that women have taken to tobacco we live in a bath of nicotine It would be a curious thing to study the effect of cigarettes on the relation of the sexes Smoke is almost as great a solvent as divorce both tend to obscure the moral issue
Nothing could have been less consonant with Seldens mood than Van Alstynes afterdinner aphorisms but as long as the latter confined himself to generalities his listeners nerves were in control Happily Van Alstyne prided himself on his summing up of social aspects and with Selden for audience was eager to show the sureness of his touch Mrs Fisher lived in an East side street near the Park and as the two men walked down Fifth Avenue the new architectural developments of that versatile thoroughfare invited Van Alstynes comment
That Greiner house now—a typical rung in the social ladder The man who built it came from a MILIEU where all the dishes are put on the table at once His facade is a complete architectural meal if he had omitted a style his friends might have thought the money had given out Not a bad purchase for Rosedale though attracts attention and awes the Western sightseer By and bye hell get out of that phase and want something that the crowd will pass and the few pause before Especially if he marries my clever cousin——
Selden dashed in with the query And the Wellington Brys Rather clever of its kind dont you think
They were just beneath the wide white facade with its rich restraint of line which suggested the clever corseting of a redundant figure
Thats the next stage the desire to imply that one has been to Europe and has a standard Im sure Mrs Bry thinks her house a copy of the TRIANON in America every marble house with gilt furniture is thought to be a copy of the TRIANON What a clever chap that architect is though—how he takes his clients measure He has put the whole of Mrs Bry in his use of the composite order Now for the Trenors you remember he chose the Corinthian exuberant but based on the best precedent The Trenor house is one of his best things—doesnt look like a banquetinghall turned inside out I hear Mrs Trenor wants to build out a new ballroom and that divergence from Gus on that point keeps her at Bellomont The dimensions of the Brys ballroom must rankle you may be sure she knows em as well as if shed been there last night with a yardmeasure Who said she was in town by the way That Farish boy She isnt I know Mrs Stepney was right the house is dark you see I suppose Gus lives in the back
He had halted opposite the Trenors corner and Selden perforce stayed his steps also The house loomed obscure and uninhabited only an oblong gleam above the door spoke of provisional occupancy
Theyve bought the house at the back it gives them a hundred and fifty feet in the side street Theres where the ballrooms to be with a gallery connecting it billiardroom and so on above I suggested changing the entrance and carrying the drawingroom across the whole Fifth Avenue front you see the front door corresponds with the windows——
The walkingstick which Van Alstyne swung in demonstration dropped to a startled Hallo as the door opened and two figures were seen silhouetted against the halllight At the same moment a hansom halted at the curbstone and one of the figures floated down to it in a haze of evening draperies while the other black and bulky remained persistently projected against the light
For an immeasurable second the two spectators of the incident were silent then the housedoor closed the hansom rolled off and the whole scene slipped by as if with the turn of a stereopticon
Van Alstyne dropped his eyeglass with a low whistle
A—hem—nothing of this eh Selden As one of the family I know I may count on you—appearances are deceptive—and Fifth Avenue is so imperfectly lighted——
Goodnight said Selden turning sharply down the side street without seeing the others extended hand
Alone with her cousins kiss Gerty stared upon her thoughts He had kissed her before—but not with another woman on his lips If he had spared her that she could have drowned quietly welcoming the dark flood as it submerged her But now the flood was shot through with glory and it was harder to drown at sunrise than in darkness Gerty hid her face from the light but it pierced to the crannies of her soul She had been so contented life had seemed so simple and sufficient—why had he come to trouble her with new hopes And Lily—Lily her best friend Womanlike she accused the woman Perhaps had it not been for Lily her fond imagining might have become truth Selden had always liked her—had understood and sympathized with the modest independence of her life He who had the reputation of weighing all things in the nice balance of fastidious perceptions had been uncritical and simple in his view of her his cleverness had never overawed her because she had felt at home in his heart And now she was thrust out and the door barred against her by Lilys hand Lily for whose admission there she herself had pleaded The situation was lighted up by a dreary flash of irony She knew Selden—she saw how the force of her faith in Lily must have helped to dispel his hesitations She remembered too how Lily had talked of him—she saw herself bringing the two together making them known to each other On Seldens part no doubt the wound inflicted was inconscient he had never guessed her foolish secret but Lily—Lily must have known When in such matters are a womans perceptions at fault And if she knew then she had deliberately despoiled her friend and in mere wantonness of power since even to Gertys suddenly flaming jealousy it seemed incredible that Lily should wish to be Seldens wife Lily might be incapable of marrying for money but she was equally incapable of living without it and Seldens eager investigations into the small economies of housekeeping made him appear to Gerty as tragically duped as herself
She remained long in her sittingroom where the embers were crumbling to cold grey and the lamp paled under its gay shade Just beneath it stood the photograph of Lily Bart looking out imperially on the cheap gimcracks the cramped furniture of the little room Could Selden picture her in such an interior Gerty felt the poverty the insignificance of her surroundings she beheld her life as it must appear to Lily And the cruelty of Lilys judgments smote upon her memory She saw that she had dressed her idol with attributes of her own making When had Lily ever really felt or pitied or understood All she wanted was the taste of new experiences she seemed like some cruel creature experimenting in a laboratory
The pinkfaced clock drummed out another hour and Gerty rose with a start She had an appointment early the next morning with a district visitor on the East side She put out her lamp covered the fire and went into her bedroom to undress In the little glass above her dressingtable she saw her face reflected against the shadows of the room and tears blotted the reflection What right had she to dream the dreams of loveliness A dull face invited a dull fate She cried quietly as she undressed laying aside her clothes with her habitual precision setting everything in order for the next day when the old life must be taken up as though there had been no break in its routine Her servant did not come till eight oclock and she prepared her own teatray and placed it beside the bed Then she locked the door of the flat extinguished her light and lay down But on her bed sleep would not come and she lay face to face with the fact that she hated Lily Bart It closed with her in the darkness like some formless evil to be blindly grappled with Reason judgment renunciation all the sane daylight forces were beaten back in the sharp struggle for selfpreservation She wanted happiness—wanted it as fiercely and unscrupulously as Lily did but without Lilys power of obtaining it And in her conscious impotence she lay shivering and hated her friend——
A ring at the doorbell caught her to her feet She struck a light and stood startled listening For a moment her heart beat incoherently then she felt the sobering touch of fact and remembered that such calls were not unknown in her charitable work She flung on her dressinggown to answer the summons and unlocking her door confronted the shining vision of Lily Bart
Gertys first movement was one of revulsion She shrank back as though Lilys presence flashed too sudden a light upon her misery Then she heard her name in a cry had a glimpse of her friends face and felt herself caught and clung to
Lily—what is it she exclaimed
Miss Bart released her and stood breathing brokenly like one who has gained shelter after a long flight
I was so cold—I couldnt go home Have you a fire
Gertys compassionate instincts responding to the swift call of habit swept aside all her reluctances Lily was simply some one who needed help—for what reason there was no time to pause and conjecture disciplined sympathy checked the wonder on Gertys lips and made her draw her friend silently into the sittingroom and seat her by the darkened hearth
There is kindling wood here the fire will burn in a minute
She knelt down and the flame leapt under her rapid hands It flashed strangely through the tears which still blurred her eyes and smote on the white ruin of Lilys face The girls looked at each other in silence then Lily repeated I couldnt go home
No—no—you came here dear Youre cold and tired—sit quiet and Ill make you some tea
Gerty had unconsciously adopted the soothing note of her trade all personal feeling was merged in the sense of ministry and experience had taught her that the bleeding must be stayed before the wound is probed
Lily sat quiet leaning to the fire the clatter of cups behind her soothed her as familiar noises hush a child whom silence has kept wakeful But when Gerty stood at her side with the tea she pushed it away and turned an estranged eye on the familiar room
I came here because I couldnt bear to be alone she said
Gerty set down the cup and knelt beside her
Lily Something has happened—cant you tell me
I couldnt bear to lie awake in my room till morning I hate my room at Aunt Julias—so I came here——
She stirred suddenly broke from her apathy and clung to Gerty in a fresh burst of fear
Oh Gerty the furies … you know the noise of their wings—alone at night in the dark But you dont know—there is nothing to make the dark dreadful to you——
The words flashing back on Gertys last hours struck from her a faint derisive murmur but Lily in the blaze of her own misery was blinded to everything outside it
Youll let me stay I shant mind when daylight comes—Is it late Is the night nearly over It must be awful to be sleepless—everything stands by the bed and stares——
Miss Farish caught her straying hands Lily look at me Something has happened—an accident You have been frightened—what has frightened you Tell me if you can—a word or two—so that I can help you
Lily shook her head
I am not frightened thats not the word Can you imagine looking into your glass some morning and seeing a disfigurement—some hideous change that has come to you while you slept Well I seem to myself like that—I cant bear to see myself in my own thoughts—I hate ugliness you know—Ive always turned from it—but I cant explain to you—you wouldnt understand
She lifted her head and her eyes fell on the clock
How long the night is And I know I shant sleep tomorrow Some one told me my father used to lie sleepless and think of horrors And he was not wicked only unfortunate—and I see now how he must have suffered lying alone with his thoughts But I am bad—a bad girl—all my thoughts are bad—I have always had bad people about me Is that any excuse I thought I could manage my own life—I was proud—proud but now Im on their level——
Sobs shook her and she bowed to them like a tree in a dry storm
Gerty knelt beside her waiting with the patience born of experience till this gust of misery should loosen fresh speech She had first imagined some physical shock some peril of the crowded streets since Lily was presumably on her way home from Carry Fishers but she now saw that other nervecentres were smitten and her mind trembled back from conjecture
Lilys sobs ceased and she lifted her head
There are bad girls in your slums Tell me—do they ever pick themselves up Ever forget and feel as they did before
Lily you mustnt speak so—youre dreaming
Dont they always go from bad to worse Theres no turning back—your old self rejects you and shuts you out
She rose stretching her arms as if in utter physical weariness Go to bed dear You work hard and get up early Ill watch here by the fire and youll leave the light and your door open All I want is to feel that you are near me She laid both hands on Gertys shoulders with a smile that was like sunrise on a sea strewn with wreckage
I cant leave you Lily Come and lie on my bed Your hands are frozen—you must undress and be made warm Gerty paused with sudden compunction But Mrs Peniston—its past midnight What will she think
She goes to bed I have a latchkey It doesnt matter—I cant go back there
Theres no need to you shall stay here But you must tell me where you have been Listen Lily—it will help you to speak She regained Miss Barts hands and pressed them against her Try to tell me—it will clear your poor head Listen—you were dining at Carry Fishers Gerty paused and added with a flash of heroism Lawrence Selden went from here to find you
At the word Lilys face melted from locked anguish to the open misery of a child Her lips trembled and her gaze widened with tears
He went to find me And I missed him Oh Gerty he tried to help me He told me—he warned me long ago—he foresaw that I should grow hateful to myself
The name as Gerty saw with a clutch at the heart had loosened the springs of selfpity in her friends dry breast and tear by tear Lily poured out the measure of her anguish She had dropped sideways in Gertys big armchair her head buried where lately Seldens had leaned in a beauty of abandonment that drove home to Gertys aching senses the inevitableness of her own defeat Ah it needed no deliberate purpose on Lilys part to rob her of her dream To look on that prone loveliness was to see in it a natural force to recognize that love and power belong to such as Lily as renunciation and service are the lot of those they despoil But if Seldens infatuation seemed a fatal necessity the effect that his name produced shook Gertys steadfastness with a last pang Men pass through such superhuman loves and outlive them they are the probation subduing the heart to human joys How gladly Gerty would have welcomed the ministry of healing how willingly have soothed the sufferer back to tolerance of life But Lilys selfbetrayal took this last hope from her The mortal maid on the shore is helpless against the siren who loves her prey such victims are floated back dead from their adventure
Lily sprang up and caught her with strong hands Gerty you know him—you understand him—tell me if I went to him if I told him everything—if I said I am bad through and through—I want admiration I want excitement I want money— yes MONEY Thats my shame Gerty—and its known its said of me—its what men think of me—If I said it all to him—told him the whole story—said plainly Ive sunk lower than the lowest for Ive taken what they take and not paid as they pay—oh Gerty you know him you can speak for him if I told him everything would he loathe me Or would he pity me and understand me and save me from loathing myself
Gerty stood cold and passive She knew the hour of her probation had come and her poor heart beat wildly against its destiny As a dark river sweeps by under a lightning flash she saw her chance of happiness surge past under a flash of temptation What prevented her from saying He is like other men She was not so sure of him after all But to do so would have been like blaspheming her love She could not put him before herself in any light but the noblest she must trust him to the height of her own passion
Yes I know him he will help you she said and in a moment Lilys passion was weeping itself out against her breast
There was but one bed in the little flat and the two girls lay down on it side by side when Gerty had unlaced Lilys dress and persuaded her to put her lips to the warm tea The light extinguished they lay still in the darkness Gerty shrinking to the outer edge of the narrow couch to avoid contact with her bedfellow Knowing that Lily disliked to be caressed she had long ago learned to check her demonstrative impulses toward her friend But tonight every fibre in her body shrank from Lilys nearness it was torture to listen to her breathing and feel the sheet stir with it As Lily turned and settled to completer rest a strand of her hair swept Gertys cheek with its fragrance Everything about her was warm and soft and scented even the stains of her grief became her as raindrops do the beaten rose But as Gerty lay with arms drawn down her side in the motionless narrowness of an effigy she felt a stir of sobs from the breathing warmth beside her and Lily flung out her hand groped for her friends and held it fast
Hold me Gerty hold me or I shall think of things she moaned and Gerty silently slipped an arm under her pillowing her head in its hollow as a mother makes a nest for a tossing child In the warm hollow Lily lay still and her breathing grew low and regular Her hand still clung to Gertys as if to ward off evil dreams but the hold of her fingers relaxed her head sank deeper into its shelter and Gerty felt that she slept
Chapter 15
When lily woke she had the bed to herself and the winter light was in the room
She sat up bewildered by the strangeness of her surroundings then memory returned and she looked about her with a shiver In the cold slant of light reflected from the back wall of a neighbouring building she saw her evening dress and opera cloak lying in a tawdry heap on a chair Finery laid off is as unappetizing as the remains of a feast and it occurred to Lily that at home her maids vigilance had always spared her the sight of such incongruities Her body ached with fatigue and with the constriction of her attitude in Gertys bed All through her troubled sleep she had been conscious of having no space to toss in and the long effort to remain motionless made her feel as if she had spent her night in a train
This sense of physical discomfort was the first to assert itself then she perceived beneath it a corresponding mental prostration a languor of horror more insufferable than the first rush of her disgust The thought of having to wake every morning with this weight on her breast roused her tired mind to fresh effort She must find some way out of the slough into which she had stumbled it was not so much compunction as the dread of her morning thoughts that pressed on her the need of action But she was unutterably tired it was weariness to think connectedly She lay back looking about the poor slit of a room with a renewal of physical distaste The outer air penned between high buildings brought no freshness through the window steamheat was beginning to sing in a coil of dingy pipes and a smell of cooking penetrated the crack of the door
The door opened and Gerty dressed and hatted entered with a cup of tea Her face looked sallow and swollen in the dreary light and her dull hair shaded imperceptibly into the tones of her skin
She glanced shyly at Lily asking in an embarrassed tone how she felt Lily answered with the same constraint and raised herself up to drink the tea
I must have been overtired last night I think I had a nervous attack in the carriage she said as the drink brought clearness to her sluggish thoughts
You were not well I am so glad you came here Gerty returned
But how am I to get home And Aunt Julia—
She knows I telephoned early and your maid has brought your things But wont you eat something I scrambled the eggs myself
Lily could not eat but the tea strengthened her to rise and dress under her maids searching gaze It was a relief to her that Gerty was obliged to hasten away the two kissed silently but without a trace of the previous nights emotion
Lily found Mrs Peniston in a state of agitation She had sent for Grace Stepney and was taking digitalis Lily breasted the storm of enquiries as best she could explaining that she had had an attack of faintness on her way back from Carry Fishers that fearing she would not have strength to reach home she had gone to Miss Farishs instead but that a quiet night had restored her and that she had no need of a doctor
This was a relief to Mrs Peniston who could give herself up to her own symptoms and Lily was advised to go and lie down her aunts panacea for all physical and moral disorders In the solitude of her own room she was brought back to a sharp contemplation of facts Her daylight view of them necessarily differed from the cloudy vision of the night The winged furies were now prowling gossips who dropped in on each other for tea But her fears seemed the uglier thus shorn of their vagueness and besides she had to act not rave For the first time she forced herself to reckon up the exact amount of her debt to Trenor and the result of this hateful computation was the discovery that she had in all received nine thousand dollars from him The flimsy pretext on which it had been given and received shrivelled up in the blaze of her shame she knew that not a penny of it was her own and that to restore her selfrespect she must at once repay the whole amount The inability thus to solace her outraged feelings gave her a paralyzing sense of insignificance She was realizing for the first time that a womans dignity may cost more to keep up than her carriage and that the maintenance of a moral attribute should be dependent on dollars and cents made the world appear a more sordid place than she had conceived it
After luncheon when Grace Stepneys prying eyes had been removed Lily asked for a word with her aunt The two ladies went upstairs to the sittingroom where Mrs Peniston seated herself in her black satin armchair tufted with yellow buttons beside a beadwork table bearing a bronze box with a miniature of Beatrice Cenci in the lid Lily felt for these objects the same distaste which the prisoner may entertain for the fittings of the courtroom It was here that her aunt received her rare confidences and the pinkeyed smirk of the turbaned Beatrice was associated in her mind with the gradual fading of the smile from Mrs Penistons lips That ladys dread of a scene gave her an inexorableness which the greatest strength of character could not have produced since it was independent of all considerations of right or wrong and knowing this Lily seldom ventured to assail it She had never felt less like making the attempt than on the present occasion but she had sought in vain for any other means of escape from an intolerable situation
Mrs Peniston examined her critically Youre a bad colour Lily this incessant rushing about is beginning to tell on you she said
Miss Bart saw an opening I dont think its that Aunt Julia Ive had worries she replied
Ah said Mrs Peniston shutting her lips with the snap of a purse closing against a beggar
Im sorry to bother you with them Lily continued but I really believe my faintness last night was brought on partly by anxious thoughts—
I should have said Carry Fishers cook was enough to account for it She has a woman who was with Maria Melson in 1891—the spring of the year we went to Aix—and I remember dining there two days before we sailed and feeling SURE the coppers hadnt been scoured
I dont think I ate much I cant eat or sleep Lily paused and then said abruptly The fact is Aunt Julia I owe some money
Mrs Penistons face clouded perceptibly but did not express the astonishment her niece had expected She was silent and Lily was forced to continue I have been foolish——
No doubt you have extremely foolish Mrs Peniston interposed I fail to see how any one with your income and no expenses—not to mention the handsome presents Ive always given you——
Oh youve been most generous Aunt Julia I shall never forget your kindness But perhaps you dont quite realize the expense a girl is put to nowadays——
I dont realize that YOU are put to any expense except for your clothes and your railway fares I expect you to be handsomely dressed but I paid Celestes bill for you last October
Lily hesitated her aunts implacable memory had never been more inconvenient You were as kind as possible but I have had to get a few things since——
What kind of things Clothes How much have you spent Let me see the bill—I daresay the woman is swindling you
Oh no I think not clothes have grown so frightfully expensive and one needs so many different kinds with country visits and golf and skating and Aiken and Tuxedo——
Let me see the bill Mrs Peniston repeated
Lily hesitated again In the first place Mme Celeste had not yet sent in her account and secondly the amount it represented was only a fraction of the sum that Lily needed
She hasnt sent in the bill for my winter things but I KNOW its large and there are one or two other things Ive been careless and imprudent—Im frightened to think of what I owe——
She raised the troubled loveliness of her face to Mrs Peniston vainly hoping that a sight so moving to the other sex might not be without effect upon her own But the effect produced was that of making Mrs Peniston shrink back apprehensively
Really Lily you are old enough to manage your own affairs and after frightening me to death by your performance of last night you might at least choose a better time to worry me with such matters Mrs Peniston glanced at the clock and swallowed a tablet of digitalis If you owe Celeste another thousand she may send me her account she added as though to end the discussion at any cost
I am very sorry Aunt Julia I hate to trouble you at such a time but I have really no choice—I ought to have spoken sooner—I owe a great deal more than a thousand dollars
A great deal more Do you owe two She must have robbed you
I told you it was not only Celeste I—there are other bills—more pressing—that must be settled
What on earth have you been buying Jewelry You must have gone off your head said Mrs Peniston with asperity But if you have run into debt you must suffer the consequences and put aside your monthly income till your bills are paid If you stay quietly here until next spring instead of racing about all over the country you will have no expenses at all and surely in four or five months you can settle the rest of your bills if I pay the dressmaker now
Lily was again silent She knew she could not hope to extract even a thousand dollars from Mrs Peniston on the mere plea of paying Celestes bill Mrs Peniston would expect to go over the dressmakers account and would make out the cheque to her and not to Lily And yet the money must be obtained before the day was over
The debts I speak of are—different—not like tradesmens bills she began confusedly but Mrs Penistons look made her almost afraid to continue Could it be that her aunt suspected anything The idea precipitated Lilys avowal
The fact is Ive played cards a good deal—bridge the women all do it girls too—its expected Sometimes Ive won—won a good deal—but lately Ive been unlucky—and of course such debts cant be paid off gradually——
She paused Mrs Penistons face seemed to be petrifying as she listened
Cards—youve played cards for money Its true then when I was told so I wouldnt believe it I wont ask if the other horrors I was told were true too Ive heard enough for the state of my nerves When I think of the example youve had in this house But I suppose its your foreign bringingup—no one knew where your mother picked up her friends And her Sundays were a scandal—that I know
Mrs Peniston wheeled round suddenly You play cards on Sunday
Lily flushed with the recollection of certain rainy Sundays at Bellomont and with the Dorsets
Youre hard on me Aunt Julia I have never really cared for cards but a girl hates to be thought priggish and superior and one drifts into doing what the others do Ive had a dreadful lesson and if youll help me out this time I promise you—
Mrs Peniston raised her hand warningly You neednt make any promises its unnecessary When I offered you a home I didnt undertake to pay your gambling debts
Aunt Julia You dont mean that you wont help me
I shall certainly not do anything to give the impression that I countenance your behaviour If you really owe your dressmaker I will settle with her—beyond that I recognize no obligation to assume your debts
Lily had risen and stood pale and quivering before her aunt Pride stormed in her but humiliation forced the cry from her lips Aunt Julia I shall be disgraced—I— But she could go no farther If her aunt turned such a stony ear to the fiction of the gambling debts in what spirit would she receive the terrible avowal of the truth
I consider that you ARE disgraced Lily disgraced by your conduct far more than by its results You say your friends have persuaded you to play cards with them well they may as well learn a lesson too They can probably afford to lose a little money—and at any rate I am not going to waste any of mine in paying them And now I must ask you to leave me—this scene has been extremely painful and I have my own health to consider Draw down the blinds please and tell Jennings I will see no one this afternoon but Grace Stepney
Lily went up to her own room and bolted the door She was trembling with fear and anger—the rush of the furies wings was in her ears She walked up and down the room with blind irregular steps The last door of escape was closed—she felt herself shut in with her dishonour
Suddenly her wild pacing brought her before the clock on the chimneypiece Its hands stood at halfpast three and she remembered that Selden was to come to her at four She had meant to put him off with a word—but now her heart leaped at the thought of seeing him Was there not a promise of rescue in his love As she had lain at Gertys side the night before she had thought of his coming and of the sweetness of weeping out her pain upon his breast Of course she had meant to clear herself of its consequences before she met him—she had never really doubted that Mrs Peniston would come to her aid And she had felt even in the full storm of her misery that Seldens love could not be her ultimate refuge only it would be so sweet to take a moments shelter there while she gathered fresh strength to go on
But now his love was her only hope and as she sat alone with her wretchedness the thought of confiding in him became as seductive as the rivers flow to the suicide The first plunge would be terrible—but afterward what blessedness might come She remembered Gertys words I know him—he will help you and her mind clung to them as a sick person might cling to a healing relic Oh if he really understood—if he would help her to gather up her broken life and put it together in some new semblance in which no trace of the past should remain He had always made her feel that she was worthy of better things and she had never been in greater need of such solace Once and again she shrank at the thought of imperilling his love by her confession for love was what she needed—it would take the glow of passion to weld together the shattered fragments of her selfesteem But she recurred to Gertys words and held fast to them She was sure that Gerty knew Seldens feeling for her and it had never dawned upon her blindness that Gertys own judgment of him was coloured by emotions far more ardent than her own
Four oclock found her in the drawingroom she was sure that Selden would be punctual But the hour came and passed—it moved on feverishly measured by her impatient heartbeats She had time to take a fresh survey of her wretchedness and to fluctuate anew between the impulse to confide in Selden and the dread of destroying his illusions But as the minutes passed the need of throwing herself on his comprehension became more urgent she could not bear the weight of her misery alone There would be a perilous moment perhaps but could she not trust to her beauty to bridge it over to land her safe in the shelter of his devotion
But the hour sped on and Selden did not come Doubtless he had been detained or had misread her hurriedly scrawled note taking the four for a five The ringing of the doorbell a few minutes after five confirmed this supposition and made Lily hastily resolve to write more legibly in future The sound of steps in the hall and of the butlers voice preceding them poured fresh energy into her veins She felt herself once more the alert and competent moulder of emergencies and the remembrance of her power over Selden flushed her with sudden confidence But when the drawingroom door opened it was Rosedale who came in
The reaction caused her a sharp pang but after a passing movement of irritation at the clumsiness of fate and at her own carelessness in not denying the door to all but Selden she controlled herself and greeted Rosedale amicably It was annoying that Selden when he came should find that particular visitor in possession but Lily was mistress of the art of ridding herself of superfluous company and to her present mood Rosedale seemed distinctly negligible
His own view of the situation forced itself upon her after a few moments conversation She had caught at the Brys entertainment as an easy impersonal subject likely to tide them over the interval till Selden appeared but Mr Rosedale tenaciously planted beside the teatable his hands in his pockets his legs a little too freely extended at once gave the topic a personal turn
Pretty well done—well yes I suppose it was Welly Brys got his back up and dont mean to let go till hes got the hang of the thing Of course there were things here and there—things Mrs Fisher couldnt be expected to see to—the champagne wasnt cold and the coats got mixed in the coatroom I would have spent more money on the music But thats my character if I want a thing Im willing to pay I dont go up to the counter and then wonder if the articles worth the price I wouldnt be satisfied to entertain like the Welly Brys Id want something that would look more easy and natural more as if I took it in my stride And it takes just two things to do that Miss Bart money and the right woman to spend it
He paused and examined her attentively while she affected to rearrange the teacups
Ive got the money he continued clearing his throat and what I want is the woman—and I mean to have her too
He leaned forward a little resting his hands on the head of his walkingstick He had seen men of Ned Van Alstynes type bring their hats and sticks into a drawingroom and he thought it added a touch of elegant familiarity to their appearance
Lily was silent smiling faintly with her eyes absently resting on his face She was in reality reflecting that a declaration would take some time to make and that Selden must surely appear before the moment of refusal had been reached Her brooding look as of a mind withdrawn yet not averted seemed to Mr Rosedale full of a subtle encouragement He would not have liked any evidence of eagerness
I mean to have her too he repeated with a laugh intended to strengthen his selfassurance I generally HAVE got what I wanted in life Miss Bart I wanted money and Ive got more than I know how to invest and now the money doesnt seem to be of any account unless I can spend it on the right woman Thats what I want to do with it I want my wife to make all the other women feel small Id never grudge a dollar that was spent on that But it isnt every woman can do it no matter how much you spend on her There was a girl in some history book who wanted gold shields or something and the fellows threw em at her and she was crushed under em they killed her Well thats true enough some women looked buried under their jewelry What I want is a woman wholl hold her head higher the more diamonds I put on it And when I looked at you the other night at the Brys in that plain white dress looking as if you had a crown on I said to myself By gad if she had one shed wear it as if it grew on her
Still Lily did not speak and he continued warming with his theme Tell you what it is though that kind of woman costs more than all the rest of em put together If a womans going to ignore her pearls they want to be better than anybody elses—and so it is with everything else You know what I mean—you know its only the showy things that are cheap Well I should want my wife to be able to take the earth for granted if she wanted to I know theres one thing vulgar about money and thats the thinking about it and my wife would never have to demean herself in that way He paused and then added with an unfortunate lapse to an earlier manner I guess you know the lady Ive got in view Miss Bart
Lily raised her head brightening a little under the challenge Even through the dark tumult of her thoughts the clink of Mr Rosedales millions had a faintly seductive note Oh for enough of them to cancel her one miserable debt But the man behind them grew increasingly repugnant in the light of Seldens expected coming The contrast was too grotesque she could scarcely suppress the smile it provoked She decided that directness would be best
If you mean me Mr Rosedale I am very grateful—very much flattered but I dont know what I have ever done to make you think—
Oh if you mean youre not dead in love with me Ive got sense enough left to see that And I aint talking to you as if you were—I presume I know the kind of talk thats expected under those circumstances Im confoundedly gone on you—thats about the size of it—and Im just giving you a plain business statement of the consequences Youre not very fond of me—YET—but youre fond of luxury and style and amusement and of not having to worry about cash You like to have a good time and not have to settle for it and what I propose to do is to provide for the good time and do the settling
He paused and she returned with a chilling smile You are mistaken in one point Mr Rosedale whatever I enjoy I am prepared to settle for
She spoke with the intention of making him see that if his words implied a tentative allusion to her private affairs she was prepared to meet and repudiate it But if he recognized her meaning it failed to abash him and he went on in the same tone I didnt mean to give offence excuse me if Ive spoken too plainly But why aint you straight with me—why do you put up that kind of bluff You know thereve been times when you were bothered—damned bothered—and as a girl gets older and things keep moving along why before she knows it the things she wants are liable to move past her and not come back I dont say its anywhere near that with you yet but youve had a taste of bothers that a girl like yourself ought never to have known about and what Im offering you is the chance to turn your back on them once for all
The colour burned in Lilys face as he ended there was no mistaking the point he meant to make and to permit it to pass unheeded was a fatal confession of weakness while to resent it too openly was to risk offending him at a perilous moment Indignation quivered on her lip but it was quelled by the secret voice which warned her that she must not quarrel with him He knew too much about her and even at the moment when it was essential that he should show himself at his best he did not scruple to let her see how much he knew How then would he use his power when her expression of contempt had dispelled his one motive for restraint Her whole future might hinge on her way of answering him she had to stop and consider that in the stress of her other anxieties as a breathless fugitive may have to pause at the crossroads and try to decide coolly which turn to take
You are quite right Mr Rosedale I HAVE had bothers and I am grateful to you for wanting to relieve me of them It is not always easy to be quite independent and selfrespecting when one is poor and lives among rich people I have been careless about money and have worried about my bills But I should be selfish and ungrateful if I made that a reason for accepting all you offer with no better return to make than the desire to be free from my anxieties You must give me time—time to think of your kindness—and of what I could give you in return for it——
She held out her hand with a charming gesture in which dismissal was shorn of its rigour Its hint of future leniency made Rosedale rise in obedience to it a little flushed with his unhopedfor success and disciplined by the tradition of his blood to accept what was conceded without undue haste to press for more Something in his prompt acquiescence frightened her she felt behind it the stored force of a patience that might subdue the strongest will But at least they had parted amicably and he was out of the house without meeting Selden—Selden whose continued absence now smote her with a new alarm Rosedale had remained over an hour and she understood that it was now too late to hope for Selden He would write explaining his absence of course there would be a note from him by the late post But her confession would have to be postponed and the chill of the delay settled heavily on her fagged spirit
It lay heavier when the postmans last ring brought no note for her and she had to go upstairs to a lonely night—a night as grim and sleepless as her tortured fancy had pictured it to Gerty She had never learned to live with her own thoughts and to be confronted with them through such hours of lucid misery made the confused wretchedness of her previous vigil seem easily bearable
Daylight disbanded the phantom crew and made it clear to her that she would hear from Selden before noon but the day passed without his writing or coming Lily remained at home lunching and dining alone with her aunt who complained of flutterings of the heart and talked icily on general topics Mrs Peniston went to bed early and when she had gone Lily sat down and wrote a note to Selden She was about to ring for a messenger to despatch it when her eye fell on a paragraph in the evening paper which lay at her elbow Mr Lawrence Selden was among the passengers sailing this afternoon for Havana and the West Indies on the Windward Liner Antilles
She laid down the paper and sat motionless staring at her note She understood now that he was never coming—that he had gone away because he was afraid that he might come She rose and walking across the floor stood gazing at herself for a long time in the brightlylit mirror above the mantelpiece The lines in her face came out terribly—she looked old and when a girl looks old to herself how does she look to other people She moved away and began to wander aimlessly about the room fitting her steps with mechanical precision between the monstrous roses of Mrs Penistons Axminster Suddenly she noticed that the pen with which she had written to Selden still rested against the uncovered inkstand She seated herself again and taking out an envelope addressed it rapidly to Rosedale Then she laid out a sheet of paper and sat over it with suspended pen It had been easy enough to write the date and Dear Mr Rosedale—but after that her inspiration flagged She meant to tell him to come to her but the words refused to shape themselves At length she began I have been thinking—— then she laid the pen down and sat with her elbows on the table and her face hidden in her hands
Suddenly she started up at the sound of the doorbell It was not late—barely ten oclock—and there might still be a note from Selden or a message—or he might be there himself on the other side of the door The announcement of his sailing might have been a mistake—it might be another Lawrence Selden who had gone to Havana—all these possibilities had time to flash through her mind and build up the conviction that she was after all to see or hear from him before the drawingroom door opened to admit a servant carrying a telegram
Lily tore it open with shaking hands and read Bertha Dorsets name below the message Sailing unexpectedly tomorrow Will you join us on a cruise in Mediterranean
BOOK TWO
Chapter 1
It came vividly to Selden on the Casino steps that Monte Carlo had more than any other place he knew the gift of accommodating itself to each mans humour His own at the moment lent it a festive readiness of welcome that might well in a disenchanted eye have turned to paint and facility So frank an appeal for participation—so outspoken a recognition of the holiday vein in human nature—struck refreshingly on a mind jaded by prolonged hard work in surroundings made for the discipline of the senses As he surveyed the white square set in an exotic coquetry of architecture the studied tropicality of the gardens the groups loitering in the foreground against mauve mountains which suggested a sublime stagesetting forgotten in a hurried shifting of scenes—as he took in the whole outspread effect of light and leisure he felt a movement of revulsion from the last few months of his life
The New York winter had presented an interminable perspective of snowburdened days reaching toward a spring of raw sunshine and furious air when the ugliness of things rasped the eye as the gritty wind ground into the skin Selden immersed in his work had told himself that external conditions did not matter to a man in his state and that cold and ugliness were a good tonic for relaxed sensibilities When an urgent case summoned him abroad to confer with a client in Paris he broke reluctantly with the routine of the office and it was only now that having despatched his business and slipped away for a week in the south he began to feel the renewed zest of spectatorship that is the solace of those who take an objective interest in life
The multiplicity of its appeals—the perpetual surprise of its contrasts and resemblances All these tricks and turns of the show were upon him with a spring as he descended the Casino steps and paused on the pavement at its doors He had not been abroad for seven years—and what changes the renewed contact produced If the central depths were untouched hardly a pinpoint of surface remained the same And this was the very place to bring out the completeness of the renewal The sublimities the perpetuities might have left him as he was but this tent pitched for a days revelry spread a roof of oblivion between himself and his fixed sky
It was midApril and one felt that the revelry had reached its climax and that the desultory groups in the square and gardens would soon dissolve and reform in other scenes Meanwhile the last moments of the performance seemed to gain an added brightness from the hovering threat of the curtain The quality of the air the exuberance of the flowers the blue intensity of sea and sky produced the effect of a closing TABLEAU when all the lights are turned on at once This impression was presently heightened by the way in which a consciously conspicuous group of people advanced to the middle front and stood before Selden with the air of the chief performers gathered together by the exigencies of the final effect Their appearance confirmed the impression that the show had been staged regardless of expense and emphasized its resemblance to one of those costumeplays in which the protagonists walk through the passions without displacing a drapery The ladies stood in unrelated attitudes calculated to isolate their effects and the men hung about them as irrelevantly as stage heroes whose tailors are named in the programme It was Selden himself who unwittingly fused the group by arresting the attention of one of its members
Why Mr Selden Mrs Fisher exclaimed in surprise and with a gesture toward Mrs Jack Stepney and Mrs Wellington Bry she added plaintively Were starving to death because we cant decide where to lunch
Welcomed into their group and made the confidant of their difficulty Selden learned with amusement that there were several places where one might miss something by not lunching or forfeit something by lunching so that eating actually became a minor consideration on the very spot consecrated to its rites
Of course one gets the best things at the TERRASSE—but that looks as if one hadnt any other reason for being there the Americans who dont know any one always rush for the best food And the Duchess of Beltshire has taken up Becassins lately Mrs Bry earnestly summed up
Mrs Bry to Mrs Fishers despair had not progressed beyond the point of weighing her social alternatives in public She could not acquire the air of doing things because she wanted to and making her choice the final seal of their fitness
Mr Bry a short pale man with a business face and leisure clothes met the dilemma hilariously
I guess the Duchess goes where its cheapest unless she can get her meal paid for If you offered to blow her off at the TERRASSE shed turn up fast enough
But Mrs Jack Stepney interposed The Grand Dukes go to that little place at the Condamine Lord Hubert says its the only restaurant in Europe where they can cook peas
Lord Hubert Dacey a slender shabbylooking man with a charming worn smile and the air of having spent his best years in piloting the wealthy to the right restaurant assented with gentle emphasis Its quite that
PEAS said Mr Bry contemptuously Can they cook terrapin It just shows he continued what these European markets are when a fellow can make a reputation cooking peas
Jack Stepney intervened with authority I dont know that I quite agree with Dacey theres a little hole in Paris off the Quai Voltaire—but in any case I cant advise the Condamine GARGOTE at least not with ladies
Stepney since his marriage had thickened and grown prudish as the Van Osburgh husbands were apt to do but his wife to his surprise and discomfiture had developed an earthshaking fastness of gait which left him trailing breathlessly in her wake
Thats where well go then she declared with a heavy toss of her plumage Im so tired of the TERRASSE its as dull as one of mothers dinners And Lord Hubert has promised to tell us who all the awful people are at the other place—hasnt he Carry Now Jack dont look so solemn
Well said Mrs Bry all I want to know is who their dressmakers are
No doubt Dacey can tell you that too remarked Stepney with an ironic intention which the other received with the light murmur I can at least FIND OUT my dear fellow and Mrs Bry having declared that she couldnt walk another step the party hailed two or three of the light phaetons which hover attentively on the confines of the gardens and rattled off in procession toward the Condamine
Their destination was one of the little restaurants overhanging the boulevard which dips steeply down from Monte Carlo to the low intermediate quarter along the quay From the window in which they presently found themselves installed they overlooked the intense blue curve of the harbour set between the verdure of twin promontories to the right the cliff of Monaco topped by the mediaeval silhouette of its church and castle to the left the terraces and pinnacles of the gamblinghouse Between the two the waters of the bay were furrowed by a light coming and going of pleasurecraft through which just at the culminating moment of luncheon the majestic advance of a great steamyacht drew the companys attention from the peas
By Jove I believe thats the Dorsets back Stepney exclaimed and Lord Hubert dropping his single eyeglass corroborated Its the Sabrina—yes
So soon They were to spend a month in Sicily Mrs Fisher observed
I guess they feel as if they had theres only one uptodate hotel in the whole place said Mr Bry disparagingly
It was Ned Silvertons idea—but poor Dorset and Lily Bart must have been horribly bored Mrs Fisher added in an undertone to Selden I do hope there hasnt been a row
Its most awfully jolly having Miss Bart back said Lord Hubert in his mild deliberate voice and Mrs Bry added ingenuously I daresay the Duchess will dine with us now that Lilys here
The Duchess admires her immensely Im sure shed be charmed to have it arranged Lord Hubert agreed with the professional promptness of the man accustomed to draw his profit from facilitating social contacts Selden was struck by the businesslike change in his manner
Lily has been a tremendous success here Mrs Fisher continued still addressing herself confidentially to Selden She looks ten years younger—I never saw her so handsome Lady Skiddaw took her everywhere in Cannes and the Crown Princess of Macedonia had her to stop for a week at Cimiez People say that was one reason why Bertha whisked the yacht off to Sicily the Crown Princess didnt take much notice of her and she couldnt bear to look on at Lilys triumph
Selden made no reply He was vaguely aware that Miss Bart was cruising in the Mediterranean with the Dorsets but it had not occurred to him that there was any chance of running across her on the Riviera where the season was virtually at an end As he leaned back silently contemplating his filigree cup of Turkish coffee he was trying to put some order in his thoughts to tell himself how the news of her nearness was really affecting him He had a personal detachment enabling him even in moments of emotional highpressure to get a fairly clear view of his feelings and he was sincerely surprised by the disturbance which the sight of the Sabrina had produced in him He had reason to think that his three months of engrossing professional work following on the sharp shock of his disillusionment had cleared his mind of its sentimental vapours The feeling he had nourished and given prominence to was one of thankfulness for his escape he was like a traveller so grateful for rescue from a dangerous accident that at first he is hardly conscious of his bruises Now he suddenly felt the latent ache and realized that after all he had not come off unhurt
An hour later at Mrs Fishers side in the Casino gardens he was trying to find fresh reasons for forgetting the injury received in the contemplation of the peril avoided The party had dispersed with the loitering indecision characteristic of social movements at Monte Carlo where the whole place and the long gilded hours of the day seem to offer an infinity of ways of being idle Lord Hubert Dacey had finally gone off in quest of the Duchess of Beltshire charged by Mrs Bry with the delicate negotiation of securing that ladys presence at dinner the Stepneys had left for Nice in their motorcar and Mr Bry had departed to take his place in the pigeon shooting match which was at the moment engaging his highest faculties
Mrs Bry who had a tendency to grow red and stertorous after luncheon had been judiciously prevailed upon by Carry Fisher to withdraw to her hotel for an hours repose and Selden and his companion were thus left to a stroll propitious to confidences The stroll soon resolved itself into a tranquil session on a bench overhung with laurel and Banksian roses from which they caught a dazzle of blue sea between marble balusters and the fiery shafts of cactusblossoms shooting meteorlike from the rock The soft shade of their niche and the adjacent glitter of the air were conducive to an easy lounging mood and to the smoking of many cigarettes and Selden yielding to these influences suffered Mrs Fisher to unfold to him the history of her recent experiences She had come abroad with the Welly Brys at the moment when fashion flees the inclemency of the New York spring The Brys intoxicated by their first success already thirsted for new kingdoms and Mrs Fisher viewing the Riviera as an easy introduction to London society had guided their course thither She had affiliations of her own in every capital and a facility for picking them up again after long absences and the carefully disseminated rumour of the Brys wealth had at once gathered about them a group of cosmopolitan pleasureseekers
But things are not going as well as I expected Mrs Fisher frankly admitted Its all very well to say that every body with money can get into society but it would be truer to say that NEARLY everybody can And the London market is so glutted with new Americans that to succeed there now they must be either very clever or awfully queer The Brys are neither HE would get on well enough if shed let him alone they like his slang and his brag and his blunders But Louisa spoils it all by trying to repress him and put herself forward If shed be natural herself—fat and vulgar and bouncing—it would be all right but as soon as she meets anybody smart she tries to be slender and queenly She tried it with the Duchess of Beltshire and Lady Skiddaw and they fled Ive done my best to make her see her mistake—Ive said to her again and again Just let yourself go Louisa but she keeps up the humbug even with me—I believe she keeps on being queenly in her own room with the door shut
The worst of it is Mrs Fisher went on that she thinks its all MY fault When the Dorsets turned up here six weeks ago and everybody began to make a fuss about Lily Bart I could see Louisa thought that if shed had Lily in tow instead of me she would have been hobnobbing with all the royalties by this time She doesnt realize that its Lilys beauty that does it Lord Hubert tells me Lily is thought even handsomer than when he knew her at Aix ten years ago It seems she was tremendously admired there An Italian Prince rich and the real thing wanted to marry her but just at the critical moment a goodlooking stepson turned up and Lily was silly enough to flirt with him while her marriagesettlements with the stepfather were being drawn up Some people said the young man did it on purpose You can fancy the scandal there was an awful row between the men and people began to look at Lily so queerly that Mrs Peniston had to pack up and finish her cure elsewhere Not that SHE ever understood to this day she thinks that Aix didnt suit her and mentions her having been sent there as proof of the incompetence of French doctors Thats Lily all over you know she works like a slave preparing the ground and sowing her seed but the day she ought to be reaping the harvest she oversleeps herself or goes off on a picnic
Mrs Fisher paused and looked reflectively at the deep shimmer of sea between the cactusflowers Sometimes she added I think its just flightiness—and sometimes I think its because at heart she despises the things shes trying for And its the difficulty of deciding that makes her such an interesting study She glanced tentatively at Seldens motionless profile and resumed with a slight sigh Well all I can say is I wish shed give ME some of her discarded opportunities I wish we could change places now for instance She could make a very good thing out of the Brys if she managed them properly and I should know just how to look after George Dorset while Bertha is reading Verlaine with Neddy Silverton
She met Seldens sound of protest with a sharp derisive glance Well whats the use of mincing matters We all know thats what Bertha brought her abroad for When Bertha wants to have a good time she has to provide occupation for George At first I thought Lily was going to play her cards well THIS time but there are rumours that Bertha is jealous of her success here and at Cannes and I shouldnt be surprised if there were a break any day Lilys only safeguard is that Bertha needs her badly—oh very badly The Silverton affair is in the acute stage its necessary that Georges attention should be pretty continuously distracted And Im bound to say Lily DOES distract it I believe hed marry her tomorrow if he found out there was anything wrong with Bertha But you know him—hes as blind as hes jealous and of course Lilys present business is to keep him blind A clever woman might know just the right moment to tear off the bandage but Lily isnt clever in that way and when George does open his eyes shell probably contrive not to be in his line of vision
Selden tossed away his cigarette By Jove—its time for my train he exclaimed with a glance at his watch adding in reply to Mrs Fishers surprised comment—Why I thought of course you were at Monte—a murmured word to the effect that he was making Nice his headquarters
The worst of it is she snubs the Brys now he heard irrelevantly flung after him
Ten minutes later in the highperched bedroom of an hotel overlooking the Casino he was tossing his effects into a couple of gaping portmanteaux while the porter waited outside to transport them to the cab at the door It took but a brief plunge down the steep white road to the station to land him safely in the afternoon express for Nice and not till he was installed in the corner of an empty carriage did he exclaim to himself with a reaction of selfcontempt What the deuce am I running away from
The pertinence of the question checked Seldens fugitive impulse before the train had started It was ridiculous to be flying like an emotional coward from an infatuation his reason had conquered He had instructed his bankers to forward some important business letters to Nice and at Nice he would quietly await them He was already annoyed with himself for having left Monte Carlo where he had intended to pass the week which remained to him before sailing but it would now be difficult to return on his steps without an appearance of inconsistency from which his pride recoiled In his inmost heart he was not sorry to put himself beyond the probability of meeting Miss Bart Completely as he had detached himself from her he could not yet regard her merely as a social instance and viewed in a more personal ways she was not likely to be a reassuring object of study Chance encounters or even the repeated mention of her name would send his thoughts back into grooves from which he had resolutely detached them whereas if she could be entirely excluded from his life the pressure of new and varied impressions with which no thought of her was connected would soon complete the work of separation Mrs Fishers conversation had indeed operated to that end but the treatment was too painful to be voluntarily chosen while milder remedies were untried and Selden thought he could trust himself to return gradually to a reasonable view of Miss Bart if only he did not see her
Having reached the station early he had arrived at this point in his reflections before the increasing throng on the platform warned him that he could not hope to preserve his privacy the next moment there was a hand on the door and he turned to confront the very face he was fleeing
Miss Bart glowing with the haste of a precipitate descent upon the train headed a group composed of the Dorsets young Silverton and Lord Hubert Dacey who had barely time to spring into the carriage and envelop Selden in ejaculations of surprise and welcome before the whistle of departure sounded The party it appeared were hastening to Nice in response to a sudden summons to dine with the Duchess of Beltshire and to see the waterfete in the bay a plan evidently improvised—in spite of Lord Huberts protesting Oh I say you know—for the express purpose of defeating Mrs Brys endeavour to capture the Duchess
During the laughing relation of this manoeuvre Selden had time for a rapid impression of Miss Bart who had seated herself opposite to him in the golden afternoon light Scarcely three months had elapsed since he had parted from her on the threshold of the Brys conservatory but a subtle change had passed over the quality of her beauty Then it had had a transparency through which the fluctuations of the spirit were sometimes tragically visible now its impenetrable surface suggested a process of crystallization which had fused her whole being into one hard brilliant substance The change had struck Mrs Fisher as a rejuvenation to Selden it seemed like that moment of pause and arrest when the warm fluidity of youth is chilled into its final shape
He felt it in the way she smiled on him and in the readiness and competence with which flung unexpectedly into his presence she took up the thread of their intercourse as though that thread had not been snapped with a violence from which he still reeled Such facility sickened him—but he told himself that it was with the pang which precedes recovery Now he would really get well—would eject the last drop of poison from his blood Already he felt himself calmer in her presence than he had learned to be in the thought of her Her assumptions and elisions her shortcuts and long DETOURS the skill with which she contrived to meet him at a point from which no inconvenient glimpses of the past were visible suggested what opportunities she had had for practising such arts since their last meeting He felt that she had at last arrived at an understanding with herself had made a pact with her rebellious impulses and achieved a uniform system of selfgovernment under which all vagrant tendencies were either held captive or forced into the service of the state
And he saw other things too in her manner saw how it had adjusted itself to the hidden intricacies of a situation in which even after Mrs Fishers elucidating flashes he still felt himself agrope Surely Mrs Fisher could no longer charge Miss Bart with neglecting her opportunities To Seldens exasperated observation she was only too completely alive to them She was perfect to every one subservient to Berthas anxious predominance goodnaturedly watchful of Dorsets moods brightly companionable to Silverton and Dacey the latter of whom met her on an evident footing of old admiration while young Silverton portentously selfabsorbed seemed conscious of her only as of something vaguely obstructive And suddenly as Selden noted the fine shades of manner by which she harmonized herself with her surroundings it flashed on him that to need such adroit handling the situation must indeed be desperate She was on the edge of something—that was the impression left with him He seemed to see her poised on the brink of a chasm with one graceful foot advanced to assert her unconsciousness that the ground was failing her
On the Promenade des Anglais where Ned Silverton hung on him for the half hour before dinner he received a deeper impression of the general insecurity Silverton was in a mood of Titanic pessimism How any one could come to such a damned hole as the Riviera—any one with a grain of imagination—with the whole Mediterranean to choose from but then if ones estimate of a place depended on the way they broiled a spring chicken Gad what a study might be made of the tyranny of the stomach—the way a sluggish liver or insufficient gastric juices might affect the whole course of the universe overshadow everything in reach—chronic dyspepsia ought to be among the statutory causes a womans life might be ruined by a mans inability to digest fresh bread Grotesque Yes—and tragic—like most absurdities Theres nothing grimmer than the tragedy that wears a comic mask Where was he Oh—the reason they chucked Sicily and rushed back Well—partly no doubt Miss Barts desire to get back to bridge and smartness Dead as a stone to art and poetry—the light never WAS on sea or land for her And of course she persuaded Dorset that the Italian food was bad for him Oh she could make him believe anything—ANYTHING Mrs Dorset was aware of it—oh perfectly nothing SHE didnt see But she could hold her tongue—shed had to often enough Miss Bart was an intimate friend—she wouldnt hear a word against her Only it hurts a womans pride—there are some things one doesnt get used to … All this in confidence of course Ah—and there were the ladies signalling from the balcony of the hotel He plunged across the Promenade leaving Selden to a meditative cigar
The conclusions it led him to were fortified later in the evening by some of those faint corroborative hints that generate a light of their own in the dusk of a doubting mind Selden stumbling on a chance acquaintance had dined with him and adjourned still in his company to the brightly lit Promenade where a line of crowded stands commanded the glittering darkness of the waters The night was soft and persuasive Overhead hung a summer sky furrowed with the rush of rockets and from the east a late moon pushing up beyond the lofty bend of the coast sent across the bay a shaft of brightness which paled to ashes in the red glitter of the illuminated boats Down the lanternhung Promenade snatches of bandmusic floated above the hum of the crowd and the soft tossing of boughs in dusky gardens and between these gardens and the backs of the stands there flowed a stream of people in whom the vociferous carnival mood seemed tempered by the growing languor of the season
Selden and his companion unable to get seats on one of the stands facing the bay had wandered for a while with the throng and then found a point of vantage on a high gardenparapet above the Promenade Thence they caught but a triangular glimpse of the water and of the flashing play of boats across its surface but the crowd in the street was under their immediate view and seemed to Selden on the whole of more interest than the show itself After a while however he wearied of his perch and dropping alone to the pavement pushed his way to the first corner and turned into the moonlit silence of a side street Long gardenwalls overhung by trees made a dark boundary to the pavement an empty cab trailed along the deserted thoroughfare and presently Selden saw two persons emerge from the opposite shadows signal to the cab and drive off in it toward the centre of the town The moonlight touched them as they paused to enter the carriage and he recognized Mrs Dorset and young Silverton
Beneath the nearest lamppost he glanced at his watch and saw that the time was close on eleven He took another cross street and without breasting the throng on the Promenade made his way to the fashionable club which overlooks that thoroughfare Here amid the blaze of crowded baccarat tables he caught sight of Lord Hubert Dacey seated with his habitual worn smile behind a rapidly dwindling heap of gold The heap being in due course wiped out Lord Hubert rose with a shrug and joining Selden adjourned with him to the deserted terrace of the club It was now past midnight and the throng on the stands was dispersing while the long trails of redlit boats scattered and faded beneath a sky repossessed by the tranquil splendour of the moon
Lord Hubert looked at his watch By Jove I promised to join the Duchess for supper at the LONDON HOUSE but its past twelve and I suppose theyve all scattered The fact is I lost them in the crowd soon after dinner and took refuge here for my sins They had seats on one of the stands but of course they couldnt stop quiet the Duchess never can She and Miss Bart went off in quest of what they call adventures—gad it aint their fault if they dont have some queer ones He added tentatively after pausing to grope for a cigarette Miss Barts an old friend of yours I believe So she told me—Ah thanks—I dont seem to have one left He lit Seldens proffered cigarette and continued in his highpitched drawling tone None of my business of course but I didnt introduce her to the Duchess Charming woman the Duchess you understand and a very good friend of mine but RATHER a liberal education
Selden received this in silence and after a few puffs Lord Hubert broke out again Sort of thing one cant communicate to the young lady—though young ladies nowadays are so competent to judge for themselves but in this case—Im an old friend too you know … and there seemed no one else to speak to The whole situations a little mixed as I see it—but there used to be an aunt somewhere a diffuse and innocent person who was great at bridging over chasms she didnt see … Ah in New York is she Pity New Yorks such a long way off
Chapter 2
Miss Bart emerging late the next morning from her cabin found herself alone on the deck of the Sabrina The cushioned chairs disposed expectantly under the wide awning showed no signs of recent occupancy and she presently learned from a steward that Mrs Dorset had not yet appeared and that the gentlemen—separately—had gone ashore as soon as they had breakfasted Supplied with these facts Lily leaned awhile over the side giving herself up to a leisurely enjoyment of the spectacle before her Unclouded sunlight enveloped sea and shore in a bath of purest radiancy The purpling waters drew a sharp white line of foam at the base of the shore against its irregular eminences hotels and villas flashed from the greyish verdure of olive and eucalyptus and the background of bare and finelypencilled mountains quivered in a pale intensity of light
How beautiful it was—and how she loved beauty She had always felt that her sensibility in this direction made up for certain obtusenesses of feeling of which she was less proud and during the last three months she had indulged it passionately The Dorsets invitation to go abroad with them had come as an almost miraculous release from crushing difficulties and her faculty for renewing herself in new scenes and casting off problems of conduct as easily as the surroundings in which they had arisen made the mere change from one place to another seem not merely a postponement but a solution of her troubles Moral complications existed for her only in the environment that had produced them she did not mean to slight or ignore them but they lost their reality when they changed their background She could not have remained in New York without repaying the money she owed to Trenor to acquit herself of that odious debt she might even have faced a marriage with Rosedale but the accident of placing the Atlantic between herself and her obligations made them dwindle out of sight as if they had been milestones and she had travelled past them
Her two months on the Sabrina had been especially calculated to aid this illusion of distance She had been plunged into new scenes and had found in them a renewal of old hopes and ambitions The cruise itself charmed her as a romantic adventure She was vaguely touched by the names and scenes amid which she moved and had listened to Ned Silverton reading Theocritus by moonlight as the yacht rounded the Sicilian promontories with a thrill of the nerves that confirmed her belief in her intellectual superiority But the weeks at Cannes and Nice had really given her more pleasure The gratification of being welcomed in high company and of making her own ascendency felt there so that she found herself figuring once more as the beautiful Miss Bart in the interesting journal devoted to recording the least movements of her cosmopolitan companions—all these experiences tended to throw into the extreme background of memory the prosaic and sordid difficulties from which she had escaped
If she was faintly aware of fresh difficulties ahead she was sure of her ability to meet them it was characteristic of her to feel that the only problems she could not solve were those with which she was familiar Meanwhile she could honestly be proud of the skill with which she had adapted herself to somewhat delicate conditions She had reason to think that she had made herself equally necessary to her host and hostess and if only she had seen any perfectly irreproachable means of drawing a financial profit from the situation there would have been no cloud on her horizon The truth was that her funds as usual were inconveniently low and to neither Dorset nor his wife could this vulgar embarrassment be safely hinted Still the need was not a pressing one she could worry along as she had so often done before with the hope of some happy change of fortune to sustain her and meanwhile life was gay and beautiful and easy and she was conscious of figuring not unworthily in such a setting
She was engaged to breakfast that morning with the Duchess of Beltshire and at twelve oclock she asked to be set ashore in the gig Before this she had sent her maid to enquire if she might see Mrs Dorset but the reply came back that the latter was tired and trying to sleep Lily thought she understood the reason of the rebuff Her hostess had not been included in the Duchesss invitation though she herself had made the most loyal efforts in that direction But her grace was impervious to hints and invited or omitted as she chose It was not Lilys fault if Mrs Dorsets complicated attitudes did not fall in with the Duchesss easy gait The Duchess who seldom explained herself had not formulated her objection beyond saying Shes rather a bore you know The only one of your friends I like is that little Mr Bry—HES funny— but Lily knew enough not to press the point and was not altogether sorry to be thus distinguished at her friends expense Bertha certainly HAD grown tiresome since she had taken to poetry and Ned Silverton
On the whole it was a relief to break away now and then from the Sabrina and the Duchesss little breakfast organized by Lord Hubert with all his usual virtuosity was the pleasanter to Lily for not including her travellingcompanions Dorset of late had grown more than usually morose and incalculable and Ned Silverton went about with an air that seemed to challenge the universe The freedom and lightness of the ducal intercourse made an agreeable change from these complications and Lily was tempted after luncheon to adjourn in the wake of her companions to the hectic atmosphere of the Casino She did not mean to play her diminished pocketmoney offered small scope for the adventure but it amused her to sit on a divan under the doubtful protection of the Duchesss back while the latter hung above her stakes at a neighbouring table
The rooms were packed with the gazing throng which in the afternoon hours trickles heavily between the tables like the Sunday crowd in a lionhouse In the stagnant flow of the mass identities were hardly distinguishable but Lily presently saw Mrs Bry cleaving her determined way through the doors and in the broad wake she left the light figure of Mrs Fisher bobbing after her like a rowboat at the stern of a tug Mrs Bry pressed on evidently animated by the resolve to reach a certain point in the rooms but Mrs Fisher as she passed Lily broke from her towingline and let herself float to the girls side
Lose her she echoed the latters query with an indifferent glance at Mrs Brys retreating back I daresay—it doesnt matter I HAVE lost her already And as Lily exclaimed she added We had an awful row this morning You know of course that the Duchess chucked her at dinner last night and she thinks it was my fault—my want of management The worst of it is the message—just a mere word by telephone—came so late that the dinner HAD to be paid for and Becassin HAD run it up—it had been so drummed into him that the Duchess was coming Mrs Fisher indulged in a faint laugh at the remembrance Paying for what she doesnt get rankles so dreadfully with Louisa I cant make her see that its one of the preliminary steps to getting what you havent paid for—and as I was the nearest thing to smash she smashed me to atoms poor dear
Lily murmured her commiseration Impulses of sympathy came naturally to her and it was instinctive to proffer her help to Mrs Fisher
If theres anything I can do—if its only a question of meeting the Duchess I heard her say she thought Mr Bry amusing——
But Mrs Fisher interposed with a decisive gesture My dear I have my pride the pride of my trade I couldnt manage the Duchess and I cant palm off your arts on Louisa Bry as mine Ive taken the final step I go to Paris tonight with the Sam Gormers THEYRE still in the elementary stage an Italian Prince is a great deal more than a Prince to them and theyre always on the brink of taking a courier for one To save them from that is my present mission She laughed again at the picture But before I go I want to make my last will and testament—I want to leave you the Brys
Me Miss Bart joined in her amusement Its charming of you to remember me dear but really——
Youre already so well provided for Mrs Fisher flashed a sharp glance at her ARE you though Lily—to the point of rejecting my offer
Miss Bart coloured slowly What I really meant was that the Brys wouldnt in the least care to be so disposed of
Mrs Fisher continued to probe her embarrassment with an unflinching eye What you really meant was that youve snubbed the Brys horribly and you know that they know——
Carry
Oh on certain sides Louisa bristles with perceptions If youd even managed to have them asked once on the Sabrina—especially when royalties were coming But its not too late she ended earnestly its not too late for either of you
Lily smiled Stay over and Ill get the Duchess to dine with them
I shant stay over—the Gormers have paid for my SALONLIT said Mrs Fisher with simplicity But get the Duchess to dine with them all the same
Lilys smile again flowed into a slight laugh her friends importunity was beginning to strike her as irrelevant Im sorry I have been negligent about the Brys—— she began
Oh as to the Brys—its you Im thinking of said Mrs Fisher abruptly She paused and then bending forward with a lowered voice You know we all went on to Nice last night when the Duchess chucked us It was Louisas idea—I told her what I thought of it
Miss Bart assented Yes—I caught sight of you on the way back at the station
Well the man who was in the carriage with you and George Dorset—that horrid little Dabham who does Society Notes from the Riviera—had been dining with us at Nice And hes telling everybody that you and Dorset came back alone after midnight
Alone— When he was with us Lily laughed but her laugh faded into gravity under the prolonged implication of Mrs Fishers look We DID come back alone—if thats so very dreadful But whose fault was it The Duchess was spending the night at Cimiez with the Crown Princess Bertha got bored with the show and went off early promising to meet us at the station We turned up on time but she didnt—she didnt turn up at all
Miss Bart made this announcement in the tone of one who presents with careless assurance a complete vindication but Mrs Fisher received it in a manner almost inconsequent She seemed to have lost sight of her friends part in the incident her inward vision had taken another slant
Bertha never turned up at all Then how on earth did she get back
Oh by the next train I suppose there were two extra ones for the FETE At any rate I know shes safe on the yacht though I havent yet seen her but you see it was not my fault Lily summed up
Not your fault that Bertha didnt turn up My poor child if only you dont have to pay for it Mrs Fisher rose—she had seen Mrs Bry surging back in her direction Theres Louisa and I must be off—oh were on the best of terms externally were lunching together but at heart its ME shes lunching on she explained and with a last handclasp and a last look she added Remember I leave her to you shes hovering now ready to take you in
Lily carried the impression of Mrs Fishers leavetaking away with her from the Casino doors She had accomplished before leaving the first step toward her reinstatement in Mrs Brys good graces An affable advance—a vague murmur that they must see more of each other—an allusive glance to a near future that was felt to include the Duchess as well as the Sabrina—how easily it was all done if one possessed the knack of doing it She wondered at herself as she had so often wondered that possessing the knack she did not more consistently exercise it But sometimes she was forgetful—and sometimes could it be that she was proud Today at any rate she had been vaguely conscious of a reason for sinking her pride had in fact even sunk it to the point of suggesting to Lord Hubert Dacey whom she ran across on the Casino steps that he might really get the Duchess to dine with the Brys if SHE undertook to have them asked on the Sabrina Lord Hubert had promised his help with the readiness on which she could always count it was his only way of ever reminding her that he had once been ready to do so much more for her Her path in short seemed to smooth itself before her as she advanced yet the faint stir of uneasiness persisted Had it been produced she wondered by her chance meeting with Selden She thought not—time and change seemed so completely to have relegated him to his proper distance The sudden and exquisite reaction from her anxieties had had the effect of throwing the recent past so far back that even Selden as part of it retained a certain air of unreality And he had made it so clear that they were not to meet again that he had merely dropped down to Nice for a day or two and had almost his foot on the next steamer No—that part of the past had merely surged up for a moment on the fleeing surface of events and now that it was submerged again the uncertainty the apprehension persisted
They grew to sudden acuteness as she caught sight of George Dorset descending the steps of the Hotel de Paris and making for her across the square She had meant to drive down to the quay and regain the yacht but she now had the immediate impression that something more was to happen first
Which way are you going Shall we walk a bit he began putting the second question before the first was answered and not waiting for a reply to either before he directed her silently toward the comparative seclusion of the lower gardens
She detected in him at once all the signs of extreme nervous tension The skin was puffed out under his sunken eyes and its sallowness had paled to a leaden white against which his irregular eyebrows and long reddish moustache were relieved with a saturnine effect His appearance in short presented an odd mixture of the bedraggled and the ferocious
He walked beside her in silence with quick precipitate steps till they reached the embowered slopes to the east of the Casino then pulling up abruptly he said Have you seen Bertha
No—when I left the yacht she was not yet up
He received this with a laugh like the whirring sound in a disabled clock Not yet up Had she gone to bed Do you know at what time she came on board This morning at seven he exclaimed
At seven Lily started What happened—an accident to the train
He laughed again They missed the train—all the trains—they had to drive back
Well—— She hesitated feeling at once how little even this necessity accounted for the fatal lapse of hours
Well they couldnt get a carriage at once—at that time of night you know— the explanatory note made it almost seem as though he were putting the case for his wife—and when they finally did it was only a onehorse cab and the horse was lame
How tiresome I see she affirmed with the more earnestness because she was so nervously conscious that she did not and after a pause she added Im so sorry—but ought we to have waited
Waited for the onehorse cab It would scarcely have carried the four of us do you think
She took this in what seemed the only possible way with a laugh intended to sink the question itself in his humorous treatment of it Well it would have been difficult we should have had to walk by turns But it would have been jolly to see the sunrise
Yes the sunrise WAS jolly he agreed
Was it You saw it then
I saw it yes from the deck I waited up for them
Naturally—I suppose you were worried Why didnt you call on me to share your vigil
He stood still dragging at his moustache with a lean weak hand I dont think you would have cared for its DENOUEMENT he said with sudden grimness
Again she was disconcerted by the abrupt change in his tone and as in one flash she saw the peril of the moment and the need of keeping her sense of it out of her eyes
DENOUEMENT—isnt that too big a word for such a small incident The worst of it after all is the fatigue which Bertha has probably slept off by this time
She clung to the note bravely though its futility was now plain to her in the glare of his miserable eyes
Dont—dont—— he broke out with the hurt cry of a child and while she tried to merge her sympathy and her resolve to ignore any cause for it in one ambiguous murmur of deprecation he dropped down on the bench near which they had paused and poured out the wretchedness of his soul
It was a dreadful hour—an hour from which she emerged shrinking and seared as though her lids had been scorched by its actual glare It was not that she had never had premonitory glimpses of such an outbreak but rather because here and there throughout the three months the surface of life had shown such ominous cracks and vapours that her fears had always been on the alert for an upheaval There had been moments when the situation had presented itself under a homelier yet more vivid image—that of a shaky vehicle dashed by unbroken steeds over a bumping road while she cowered within aware that the harness wanted mending and wondering what would give way first Well—everything had given way now and the wonder was that the crazy outfit had held together so long Her sense of being involved in the crash instead of merely witnessing it from the road was intensified by the way in which Dorset through his furies of denunciation and wild reactions of selfcontempt made her feel the need he had of her the place she had taken in his life But for her what ear would have been open to his cries And what hand but hers could drag him up again to a footing of sanity and selfrespect All through the stress of the struggle with him she had been conscious of something faintly maternal in her efforts to guide and uplift him But for the present if he clung to her it was not in order to be dragged up but to feel some one floundering in the depths with him he wanted her to suffer with him not to help him to suffer less
Happily for both there was little physical strength to sustain his frenzy It left him collapsed and breathing heavily to an apathy so deep and prolonged that Lily almost feared the passersby would think it the result of a seizure and stop to offer their aid But Monte Carlo is of all places the one where the human bond is least close and odd sights are the least arresting If a glance or two lingered on the couple no intrusive sympathy disturbed them and it was Lily herself who broke the silence by rising from her seat With the clearing of her vision the sweep of peril had extended and she saw that the post of danger was no longer at Dorsets side
If you wont go back I must—dont make me leave you she urged
But he remained mutely resistant and she added What are you going to do You really cant sit here all night
I can go to an hotel I can telegraph my lawyers He sat up roused by a new thought By Jove Seldens at Nice—Ill send for Selden
Lily at this reseated herself with a cry of alarm No no NO she protested
He swung round on her distrustfully Why not Selden Hes a lawyer isnt he One will do as well as another in a case like this
As badly as another you mean I thought you relied on ME to help you
You do—by being so sweet and patient with me If it hadnt been for you Id have ended the thing long ago But now its got to end He rose suddenly straightening himself with an effort You cant want to see me ridiculous
She looked at him kindly Thats just it Then after a moments pondering almost to her own surprise she broke out with a flash of inspiration Well go over and see Mr Selden Youll have time to do it before dinner
Oh DINNER—— he mocked her but she left him with the smiling rejoinder Dinner on board remember well put it off till nine if you like
It was past four already and when a cab had dropped her at the quay and she stood waiting for the gig to put off for her she began to wonder what had been happening on the yacht Of Silvertons whereabouts there had been no mention Had he returned to the Sabrina Or could Bertha—the dread alternative sprang on her suddenly—could Bertha left to herself have gone ashore to rejoin him Lilys heart stood still at the thought All her concern had hitherto been for young Silverton not only because in such affairs the womans instinct is to side with the man but because his case made a peculiar appeal to her sympathies He was so desperately in earnest poor youth and his earnestness was of so different a quality from Berthas though hers too was desperate enough The difference was that Bertha was in earnest only about herself while he was in earnest about her But now at the actual crisis this difference seemed to throw the weight of destitution on Berthas side since at least he had her to suffer for and she had only herself At any rate viewed less ideally all the disadvantages of such a situation were for the woman and it was to Bertha that Lilys sympathies now went out She was not fond of Bertha Dorset but neither was she without a sense of obligation the heavier for having so little personal liking to sustain it Bertha had been kind to her they had lived together during the last months on terms of easy friendship and the sense of friction of which Lily had recently become aware seemed to make it the more urgent that she should work undividedly in her friends interest
It was in Berthas interest certainly that she had despatched Dorset to consult with Lawrence Selden Once the grotesqueness of the situation accepted she had seen at a glance that it was the safest in which Dorset could find himself Who but Selden could thus miraculously combine the skill to save Bertha with the obligation of doing so The consciousness that much skill would be required made Lily rest thankfully in the greatness of the obligation Since he would HAVE to pull Bertha through she could trust him to find a way and she put the fulness of her trust in the telegram she managed to send him on her way to the quay
Thus far then Lily felt that she had done well and the conviction strengthened her for the task that remained She and Bertha had never been on confidential terms but at such a crisis the barriers of reserve must surely fall Dorsets wild allusions to the scene of the morning made Lily feel that they were down already and that any attempt to rebuild them would be beyond Berthas strength She pictured the poor creature shivering behind her fallen defences and awaiting with suspense the moment when she could take refuge in the first shelter that offered If only that shelter had not already offered itself elsewhere As the gig traversed the short distance between the quay and the yacht Lily grew more than ever alarmed at the possible consequences of her long absence What if the wretched Bertha finding in all the long hours no soul to turn to—but by this time Lilys eager foot was on the sideladder and her first step on the Sabrina showed the worst of her apprehensions to be unfounded for there in the luxurious shade of the afterdeck the wretched Bertha in full command of her usual attenuated elegance sat dispensing tea to the Duchess of Beltshire and Lord Hubert
The sight filled Lily with such surprise that she felt that Bertha at least must read its meaning in her look and she was proportionately disconcerted by the blankness of the look returned But in an instant she saw that Mrs Dorset had of necessity to look blank before the others and that to mitigate the effect of her own surprise she must at once produce some simple reason for it The long habit of rapid transitions made it easy for her to exclaim to the Duchess Why I thought youd gone back to the Princess and this sufficed for the lady she addressed if it was hardly enough for Lord Hubert
At least it opened the way to a lively explanation of how the Duchess was in fact going back the next moment but had first rushed out to the yacht for a word with Mrs Dorset on the subject of tomorrows dinner—the dinner with the Brys to which Lord Hubert had finally insisted on dragging them
To save my neck you know he explained with a glance that appealed to Lily for some recognition of his promptness and the Duchess added with her noble candour Mr Bry has promised him a tip and he says if we go hell pass it onto us
This led to some final pleasantries in which as it seemed to Lily Mrs Dorset bore her part with astounding bravery and at the close of which Lord Hubert from half way down the sideladder called back with an air of numbering heads And of course we may count on Dorset too
Oh count on him his wife assented gaily She was keeping up well to the last—but as she turned back from waving her adieux over the side Lily said to herself that the mask must drop and the soul of fear look out
Mrs Dorset turned back slowly perhaps she wanted time to steady her muscles at any rate they were still under perfect control when dropping once more into her seat behind the teatable she remarked to Miss Bart with a faint touch of irony I suppose I ought to say good morning
If it was a cue Lily was ready to take it though with only the vaguest sense of what was expected of her in return There was something unnerving in the contemplation of Mrs Dorsets composure and she had to force the light tone in which she answered I tried to see you this morning but you were not yet up
No—I got to bed late After we missed you at the station I thought we ought to wait for you till the last train She spoke very gently but with just the least tinge of reproach
You missed us You waited for us at the station Now indeed Lily was too far adrift in bewilderment to measure the others words or keep watch on her own But I thought you didnt get to the station till after the last train had left
Mrs Dorset examining her between lowered lids met this with the immediate query Who told you that
George—I saw him just now in the gardens
Ah is that Georges version Poor George—he was in no state to remember what I told him He had one of his worst attacks this morning and I packed him off to see the doctor Do you know if he found him
Lily still lost in conjecture made no reply and Mrs Dorset settled herself indolently in her seat Hell wait to see him he was horribly frightened about himself Its very bad for him to be worried and whenever anything upsetting happens it always brings on an attack
This time Lily felt sure that a cue was being pressed on her but it was put forth with such startling suddenness and with so incredible an air of ignoring what it led up to that she could only falter out doubtfully Anything upsetting
Yes—such as having you so conspicuously on his hands in the small hours You know my dear youre rather a big responsibility in such a scandalous place after midnight
At that—at the complete unexpectedness and the inconceivable audacity of it—Lily could not restrain the tribute of an astonished laugh
Well really—considering it was you who burdened him with the responsibility
Mrs Dorset took this with an exquisite mildness By not having the superhuman cleverness to discover you in that frightful rush for the train Or the imagination to believe that youd take it without us—you and he all alone—instead of waiting quietly in the station till we DID manage to meet you
Lilys colour rose it was growing clear to her that Bertha was pursuing an object following a line she had marked out for herself Only with such a doom impending why waste time in these childish efforts to avert it The puerility of the attempt disarmed Lilys indignation did it not prove how horribly the poor creature was frightened
No by our simply all keeping together at Nice she returned
Keeping together When it was you who seized the first opportunity to rush off with the Duchess and her friends My dear Lily you are not a child to be led by the hand
No—nor to be lectured Bertha really if thats what you are doing to me now
Mrs Dorset smiled on her reproachfully Lecture you—I Heaven forbid I was merely trying to give you a friendly hint But its usually the other way round isnt it Im expected to take hints not to give them Ive positively lived on them all these last months
Hints—from me to you Lily repeated
Oh negative ones merely—what not to be and to do and to see And I think Ive taken them to admiration Only my dear if youll let me say so I didnt understand that one of my negative duties was NOT to warn you when you carried your imprudence too far
A chill of fear passed over Miss Bart a sense of remembered treachery that was like the gleam of a knife in the dusk But compassion in a moment got the better of her instinctive recoil What was this outpouring of senseless bitterness but the tracked creatures attempt to cloud the medium through which it was fleeing It was on Lilys lips to exclaim You poor soul dont double and turn—come straight back to me and well find a way out But the words died under the impenetrable insolence of Berthas smile Lily sat silent taking the brunt of it quietly letting it spend itself on her to the last drop of its accumulated falseness then without a word she rose and went down to her cabin
Chapter 3
Miss Barts telegram caught Lawrence Selden at the door of his hotel and having read it he turned back to wait for Dorset The message necessarily left large gaps for conjecture but all that he had recently heard and seen made these but too easy to fill in On the whole he was surprised for though he had perceived that the situation contained all the elements of an explosion he had often enough in the range of his personal experience seen just such combinations subside into harmlessness Still Dorsets spasmodic temper and his wifes reckless disregard of appearances gave the situation a peculiar insecurity and it was less from the sense of any special relation to the case than from a purely professional zeal that Selden resolved to guide the pair to safety Whether in the present instance safety for either lay in repairing so damaged a tie it was no business of his to consider he had only on general principles to think of averting a scandal and his desire to avert it was increased by his fear of its involving Miss Bart There was nothing specific in this apprehension he merely wished to spare her the embarrassment of being ever so remotely connected with the public washing of the Dorset linen
How exhaustive and unpleasant such a process would be he saw even more vividly after his two hours talk with poor Dorset If anything came out at all it would be such a vast unpacking of accumulated moral rags as left him after his visitor had gone with the feeling that he must fling open the windows and have his room swept out But nothing should come out and happily for his side of the case the dirty rags however pieced together could not without considerable difficulty be turned into a homogeneous grievance The torn edges did not always fit—there were missing bits there were disparities of size and colour all of which it was naturally Seldens business to make the most of in putting them under his clients eye But to a man in Dorsets mood the completest demonstration could not carry conviction and Selden saw that for the moment all he could do was to soothe and temporize to offer sympathy and to counsel prudence He let Dorset depart charged to the brim with the sense that till their next meeting he must maintain a strictly noncommittal attitude that in short his share in the game consisted for the present in looking on Selden knew however that he could not long keep such violences in equilibrium and he promised to meet Dorset the next morning at an hotel in Monte Carlo Meanwhile he counted not a little on the reaction of weakness and selfdistrust that in such natures follows on every unwonted expenditure of moral force and his telegraphic reply to Miss Bart consisted simply in the injunction Assume that everything is as usual
On this assumption in fact the early part of the following day was lived through Dorset as if in obedience to Lilys imperative bidding had actually returned in time for a late dinner on the yacht The repast had been the most difficult moment of the day Dorset was sunk in one of the abysmal silences which so commonly followed on what his wife called his attacks that it was easy before the servants to refer it to this cause but Bertha herself seemed perversely enough little disposed to make use of this obvious means of protection She simply left the brunt of the situation on her husbands hands as if too absorbed in a grievance of her own to suspect that she might be the object of one herself To Lily this attitude was the most ominous because the most perplexing element in the situation As she tried to fan the weak flicker of talk to build up again and again the crumbling structure of appearances her own attention was perpetually distracted by the question What on earth can she be driving at There was something positively exasperating in Berthas attitude of isolated defiance If only she would have given her friend a hint they might still have worked together successfully but how could Lily be of use while she was thus obstinately shut out from participation To be of use was what she honestly wanted and not for her own sake but for the Dorsets She had not thought of her own situation at all she was simply engrossed in trying to put a little order in theirs But the close of the short dreary evening left her with a sense of effort hopelessly wasted She had not tried to see Dorset alone she had positively shrunk from a renewal of his confidences It was Bertha whose confidence she sought and who should as eagerly have invited her own and Bertha as if in the infatuation of selfdestruction was actually pushing away her rescuing hand
Lily going to bed early had left the couple to themselves and it seemed part of the general mystery in which she moved that more than an hour should elapse before she heard Bertha walk down the silent passage and regain her room The morrow rising on an apparent continuance of the same conditions revealed nothing of what had occurred between the confronted pair One fact alone outwardly proclaimed the change they were all conspiring to ignore and that was the nonappearance of Ned Silverton No one referred to it and this tacit avoidance of the subject kept it in the immediate foreground of consciousness But there was another change perceptible only to Lily and that was that Dorset now avoided her almost as pointedly as his wife Perhaps he was repenting his rash outpourings of the previous day perhaps only trying in his clumsy way to conform to Seldens counsel to behave as usual Such instructions no more make for easiness of attitude than the photographers behest to look natural and in a creature as unconscious as poor Dorset of the appearance he habitually presented the struggle to maintain a pose was sure to result in queer contortions
It resulted at any rate in throwing Lily strangely on her own resources She had learned on leaving her room that Mrs Dorset was still invisible and that Dorset had left the yacht early and feeling too restless to remain alone she too had herself ferried ashore Straying toward the Casino she attached herself to a group of acquaintances from Nice with whom she lunched and in whose company she was returning to the rooms when she encountered Selden crossing the square She could not at the moment separate herself definitely from her party who had hospitably assumed that she would remain with them till they took their departure but she found time for a momentary pause of enquiry to which he promptly returned Ive seen him again—hes just left me
She waited before him anxiously Well what has happened What WILL happen
Nothing as yet—and nothing in the future I think
Its over then Its settled Youre sure
He smiled Give me time Im not sure—but Im a good deal surer And with that she had to content herself and hasten on to the expectant group on the steps
Selden had in fact given her the utmost measure of his sureness had even stretched it a shade to meet the anxiety in her eyes And now as he turned away strolling down the hill toward the station that anxiety remained with him as the visible justification of his own It was not indeed anything specific that he feared there had been a literal truth in his declaration that he did not think anything would happen What troubled him was that though Dorsets attitude had perceptibly changed the change was not clearly to be accounted for It had certainly not been produced by Seldens arguments or by the action of his own soberer reason Five minutes talk sufficed to show that some alien influence had been at work and that it had not so much subdued his resentment as weakened his will so that he moved under it in a state of apathy like a dangerous lunatic who has been drugged Temporarily no doubt however exerted it worked for the general safety the question was how long it would last and by what kind of reaction it was likely to be followed On these points Selden could gain no light for he saw that one effect of the transformation had been to shut him off from free communion with Dorset The latter indeed was still moved by the irresistible desire to discuss his wrong but though he revolved about it with the same forlorn tenacity Selden was aware that something always restrained him from full expression His state was one to produce first weariness and then impatience in his hearer and when their talk was over Selden began to feel that he had done his utmost and might justifiably wash his hands of the sequel
It was in this mind that he had been making his way back to the station when Miss Bart crossed his path but though after his brief word with her he kept mechanically on his course he was conscious of a gradual change in his purpose The change had been produced by the look in her eyes and in his eagerness to define the nature of that look he dropped into a seat in the gardens and sat brooding upon the question It was natural enough in all conscience that she should appear anxious a young woman placed in the close intimacy of a yachtingcruise between a couple on the verge of disaster could hardly aside from her concern for her friends be insensible to the awkwardness of her own position The worst of it was that in interpreting Miss Barts state of mind so many alternative readings were possible and one of these in Seldens troubled mind took the ugly form suggested by Mrs Fisher If the girl was afraid was she afraid for herself or for her friends And to what degree was her dread of a catastrophe intensified by the sense of being fatally involved in it The burden of offence lying manifestly with Mrs Dorset this conjecture seemed on the face of it gratuitously unkind but Selden knew that in the most onesided matrimonial quarrel there are generally countercharges to be brought and that they are brought with the greater audacity where the original grievance is so emphatic Mrs Fisher had not hesitated to suggest the likelihood of Dorsets marrying Miss Bart if anything happened and though Mrs Fishers conclusions were notoriously rash she was shrewd enough in reading the signs from which they were drawn Dorset had apparently shown marked interest in the girl and this interest might be used to cruel advantage in his wifes struggle for rehabilitation Selden knew that Bertha would fight to the last round of powder the rashness of her conduct was illogically combined with a cold determination to escape its consequences She could be as unscrupulous in fighting for herself as she was reckless in courting danger and whatever came to her hand at such moments was likely to be used as a defensive missile He did not as yet see clearly just what course she was likely to take but his perplexity increased his apprehension and with it the sense that before leaving he must speak again with Miss Bart Whatever her share in the situation—and he had always honestly tried to resist judging her by her surroundings—however free she might be from any personal connection with it she would be better out of the way of a possible crash and since she had appealed to him for help it was clearly his business to tell her so
This decision at last brought him to his feet and carried him back to the gambling rooms within whose doors he had seen her disappearing but a prolonged exploration of the crowd failed to put him on her traces He saw instead to his surprise Ned Silverton loitering somewhat ostentatiously about the tables and the discovery that this actor in the drama was not only hovering in the wings but actually inviting the exposure of the footlights though it might have seemed to imply that all peril was over served rather to deepen Seldens sense of foreboding Charged with this impression he returned to the square hoping to see Miss Bart move across it as every one in Monte Carlo seemed inevitably to do at least a dozen times a day but here again he waited vainly for a glimpse of her and the conclusion was slowly forced on him that she had gone back to the Sabrina It would be difficult to follow her there and still more difficult should he do so to contrive the opportunity for a private word and he had almost decided on the unsatisfactory alternative of writing when the ceaseless diorama of the square suddenly unrolled before him the figures of Lord Hubert and Mrs Bry
Hailing them at once with his question he learned from Lord Hubert that Miss Bart had just returned to the Sabrina in Dorsets company an announcement so evidently disconcerting to him that Mrs Bry after a glance from her companion which seemed to act like the pressure on a spring brought forth the prompt proposal that he should come and meet his friends at dinner that evening—At Becassins—a little dinner to the Duchess she flashed out before Lord Hubert had time to remove the pressure
Seldens sense of the privilege of being included in such company brought him early in the evening to the door of the restaurant where he paused to scan the ranks of diners approaching down the brightly lit terrace There while the Brys hovered within over the last agitating alternatives of the MENU he kept watch for the guests from the Sabrina who at length rose on the horizon in company with the Duchess Lord and Lady Skiddaw and the Stepneys From this group it was easy for him to detach Miss Bart on the pretext of a moments glance into one of the brilliant shops along the terrace and to say to her while they lingered together in the white dazzle of a jewellers window I stopped over to see you—to beg of you to leave the yacht
The eyes she turned on him showed a quick gleam of her former fear To leave— What do you mean What has happened
Nothing But if anything should why be in the way of it
The glare from the jewellers window deepening the pallour of her face gave to its delicate lines the sharpness of a tragic mask Nothing will I am sure but while theres even a doubt left how can you think I would leave Bertha
The words rang out on a note of contempt—was it possibly of contempt for himself Well he was willing to risk its renewal to the extent of insisting with an undeniable throb of added interest You have yourself to think of you know— to which with a strange fall of sadness in her voice she answered meeting his eyes If you knew how little difference that makes
Oh well nothing WILL happen he said more for his own reassurance than for hers and Nothing nothing of course she valiantly assented as they turned to overtake their companions
In the thronged restaurant taking their places about Mrs Brys illuminated board their confidence seemed to gain support from the familiarity of their surroundings Here were Dorset and his wife once more presenting their customary faces to the world she engrossed in establishing her relation with an intensely new gown he shrinking with dyspeptic dread from the multiplied solicitations of the MENU The mere fact that they thus showed themselves together with the utmost openness the place afforded seemed to declare beyond a doubt that their differences were composed How this end had been attained was still matter for wonder but it was clear that for the moment Miss Bart rested confidently in the result and Selden tried to achieve the same view by telling himself that her opportunities for observation had been ampler than his own
Meanwhile as the dinner advanced through a labyrinth of courses in which it became clear that Mrs Bry had occasionally broken away from Lord Huberts restraining hand Seldens general watchfulness began to lose itself in a particular study of Miss Bart It was one of the days when she was so handsome that to be handsome was enough and all the rest—her grace her quickness her social felicities—seemed the overflow of a bounteous nature But what especially struck him was the way in which she detached herself by a hundred undefinable shades from the persons who most abounded in her own style It was in just such company the fine flower and complete expression of the state she aspired to that the differences came out with special poignancy her grace cheapening the other womens smartness as her finelydiscriminated silences made their chatter dull The strain of the last hours had restored to her face the deeper eloquence which Selden had lately missed in it and the bravery of her words to him still fluttered in her voice and eyes Yes she was matchless—it was the one word for her and he could give his admiration the freer play because so little personal feeling remained in it His real detachment from her had taken place not at the lurid moment of disenchantment but now in the sober afterlight of discrimination where he saw her definitely divided from him by the crudeness of a choice which seemed to deny the very differences he felt in her It was before him again in its completeness—the choice in which she was content to rest in the stupid costliness of the food and the showy dulness of the talk in the freedom of speech which never arrived at wit and the freedom of act which never made for romance The strident setting of the restaurant in which their table seemed set apart in a special glare of publicity and the presence at it of little Dabham of the Riviera Notes emphasized the ideals of a world where conspicuousness passed for distinction and the society column had become the roll of fame
It was as the immortalizer of such occasions that little Dabham wedged in modest watchfulness between two brilliant neighbours suddenly became the centre of Seldens scrutiny How much did he know of what was going on and how much for his purpose was still worth finding out His little eyes were like tentacles thrown out to catch the floating intimations with which to Selden the air at moments seemed thick then again it cleared to its normal emptiness and he could see nothing in it for the journalist but leisure to note the elegance of the ladies gowns Mrs Dorsets in particular challenged all the wealth of Mr Dabhams vocabulary it had surprises and subtleties worthy of what he would have called the literary style At first as Selden had noticed it had been almost too preoccupying to its wearer but now she was in full command of it and was even producing her effects with unwonted freedom Was she not indeed too free too fluent for perfect naturalness And was not Dorset to whom his glance had passed by a natural transition too jerkily wavering between the same extremes Dorset indeed was always jerky but it seemed to Selden that tonight each vibration swung him farther from his centre
The dinner meanwhile was moving to its triumphant close to the evident satisfaction of Mrs Bry who throned in apoplectic majesty between Lord Skiddaw and Lord Hubert seemed in spirit to be calling on Mrs Fisher to witness her achievement Short of Mrs Fisher her audience might have been called complete for the restaurant was crowded with persons mainly gathered there for the purpose of spectatorship and accurately posted as to the names and faces of the celebrities they had come to see Mrs Bry conscious that all her feminine guests came under that heading and that each one looked her part to admiration shone on Lily with all the pentup gratitude that Mrs Fisher had failed to deserve Selden catching the glance wondered what part Miss Bart had played in organizing the entertainment She did at least a great deal to adorn it and as he watched the bright security with which she bore herself he smiled to think that he should have fancied her in need of help Never had she appeared more serenely mistress of the situation than when at the moment of dispersal detaching herself a little from the group about the table she turned with a smile and a graceful slant of the shoulders to receive her cloak from Dorset
The dinner had been protracted over Mr Brys exceptional cigars and a bewildering array of liqueurs and many of the other tables were empty but a sufficient number of diners still lingered to give relief to the leavetaking of Mrs Brys distinguished guests This ceremony was drawn out and complicated by the fact that it involved on the part of the Duchess and Lady Skiddaw definite farewells and pledges of speedy reunion in Paris where they were to pause and replenish their wardrobes on the way to England The quality of Mrs Brys hospitality and of the tips her husband had presumably imparted lent to the manner of the English ladies a general effusiveness which shed the rosiest light over their hostesss future In its glow Mrs Dorset and the Stepneys were also visibly included and the whole scene had touches of intimacy worth their weight in gold to the watchful pen of Mr Dabham
A glance at her watch caused the Duchess to exclaim to her sister that they had just time to dash for their train and the flurry of this departure over the Stepneys who had their motor at the door offered to convey the Dorsets and Miss Bart to the quay The offer was accepted and Mrs Dorset moved away with her husband in attendance Miss Bart had lingered for a last word with Lord Hubert and Stepney on whom Mr Bry was pressing a final and still more expensive cigar called out Come on Lily if youre going back to the yacht
Lily turned to obey but as she did so Mrs Dorset who had paused on her way out moved a few steps back toward the table
Miss Bart is not going back to the yacht she said in a voice of singular distinctness
A startled look ran from eye to eye Mrs Bry crimsoned to the verge of congestion Mrs Stepney slipped nervously behind her husband and Selden in the general turmoil of his sensations was mainly conscious of a longing to grip Dabham by the collar and fling him out into the street
Dorset meanwhile had stepped back to his wifes side His face was white and he looked about him with cowed angry eyes Bertha—Miss Bart … this is some misunderstanding … some mistake …
Miss Bart remains here his wife rejoined incisively And I think George we had better not detain Mrs Stepney any longer
Miss Bart during this brief exchange of words remained in admirable erectness slightly isolated from the embarrassed group about her She had paled a little under the shock of the insult but the discomposure of the surrounding faces was not reflected in her own The faint disdain of her smile seemed to lift her high above her antagonists reach and it was not till she had given Mrs Dorset the full measure of the distance between them that she turned and extended her hand to her hostess
I am joining the Duchess tomorrow she explained and it seemed easier for me to remain on shore for the night
She held firmly to Mrs Brys wavering eye while she gave this explanation but when it was over Selden saw her send a tentative glance from one to another of the womens faces She read their incredulity in their averted looks and in the mute wretchedness of the men behind them and for a miserable halfsecond he thought she quivered on the brink of failure Then turning to him with an easy gesture and the pale bravery of her recovered smile—Dear Mr Selden she said you promised to see me to my cab
Outside the sky was gusty and overcast and as Lily and Selden moved toward the deserted gardens below the restaurant spurts of warm rain blew fitfully against their faces The fiction of the cab had been tacitly abandoned they walked on in silence her hand on his arm till the deeper shade of the gardens received them and pausing beside a bench he said Sit down a moment
She dropped to the seat without answering but the electric lamp at the bend of the path shed a gleam on the struggling misery of her face Selden sat down beside her waiting for her to speak fearful lest any word he chose should touch too roughly on her wound and kept also from free utterance by the wretched doubt which had slowly renewed itself within him What had brought her to this pass What weakness had placed her so abominably at her enemys mercy And why should Bertha Dorset have turned into an enemy at the very moment when she so obviously needed the support of her sex Even while his nerves raged at the subjection of husbands to their wives and at the cruelty of women to their kind reason obstinately harped on the proverbial relation between smoke and fire The memory of Mrs Fishers hints and the corroboration of his own impressions while they deepened his pity also increased his constraint since whichever way he sought a free outlet for sympathy it was blocked by the fear of committing a blunder
Suddenly it struck him that his silence must seem almost as accusatory as that of the men he had despised for turning from her but before he could find the fitting word she had cut him short with a question
Do you know of a quiet hotel I can send for my maid in the morning
An hotel—HERE—that you can go to alone Its not possible
She met this with a pale gleam of her old playfulness What IS then Its too wet to sleep in the gardens
But there must be some one——
Some one to whom I can go Of course—any number—but at THIS hour You see my change of plan was rather sudden——
Good God—if youd listened to me he cried venting his helplessness in a burst of anger
She still held him off with the gentle mockery of her smile But havent I she rejoined You advised me to leave the yacht and Im leaving it
He saw then with a pang of selfreproach that she meant neither to explain nor to defend herself that by his miserable silence he had forfeited all chance of helping her and that the decisive hour was past
She had risen and stood before him in a kind of clouded majesty like some deposed princess moving tranquilly to exile
Lily he exclaimed with a note of despairing appeal but—Oh not now she gently admonished him and then in all the sweetness of her recovered composure Since I must find shelter somewhere and since youre so kindly here to help me——
He gathered himself up at the challenge You will do as I tell you Theres but one thing then you must go straight to your cousins the Stepneys
Oh— broke from her with a movement of instinctive resistance but he insisted Come—its late and you must appear to have gone there directly
He had drawn her hand into his arm but she held him back with a last gesture of protest I cant—I cant—not that—you dont know Gwen you mustnt ask me
I MUST ask you—you must obey me he persisted though infected at heart by her own fear
Her voice sank to a whisper And if she refuses—but Oh trust me—trust me he could only insist in return and yielding to his touch she let him lead her back in silence to the edge of the square
In the cab they continued to remain silent through the brief drive which carried them to the illuminated portals of the Stepneys hotel Here he left her outside in the darkness of the raised hood while his name was sent up to Stepney and he paced the showy hall awaiting the latters descent Ten minutes later the two men passed out together between the goldlaced custodians of the threshold but in the vestibule Stepney drew up with a last flare of reluctance
Its understood then he stipulated nervously with his hand on Seldens arm She leaves tomorrow by the early train—and my wifes asleep and cant be disturbed
Chapter 4
The blinds of Mrs Penistons drawingroom were drawn down against the oppressive June sun and in the sultry twilight the faces of her assembled relatives took on a fitting shadow of bereavement They were all there Van Alstynes Stepneys and Melsons—even a stray Peniston or two indicating by a greater latitude in dress and manner the fact of remoter relationship and more settled hopes The Peniston side was in fact secure in the knowledge that the bulk of Mr Penistons property went back while the direct connection hung suspended on the disposal of his widows private fortune and on the uncertainty of its extent Jack Stepney in his new character as the richest nephew tacitly took the lead emphasizing his importance by the deeper gloss of his mourning and the subdued authority of his manner while his wifes bored attitude and frivolous gown proclaimed the heiresss disregard of the insignificant interests at stake Old Ned Van Alstyne seated next to her in a coat that made affliction dapper twirled his white moustache to conceal the eager twitch of his lips and Grace Stepney rednosed and smelling of crape whispered emotionally to Mrs Herbert Melson I couldnt BEAR to see the Niagara anywhere else
A rustle of weeds and quick turning of heads hailed the opening of the door and Lily Bart appeared tall and noble in her black dress with Gerty Farish at her side The womens faces as she paused interrogatively on the threshold were a study in hesitation One or two made faint motions of recognition which might have been subdued either by the solemnity of the scene or by the doubt as to how far the others meant to go Mrs Jack Stepney gave a careless nod and Grace Stepney with a sepulchral gesture indicated a seat at her side But Lily ignoring the invitation as well as Jack Stepneys official attempt to direct her moved across the room with her smooth free gait and seated herself in a chair which seemed to have been purposely placed apart from the others
It was the first time that she had faced her family since her return from Europe two weeks earlier but if she perceived any uncertainty in their welcome it served only to add a tinge of irony to the usual composure of her bearing The shock of dismay with which on the dock she had heard from Gerty Farish of Mrs Penistons sudden death had been mitigated almost at once by the irrepressible thought that now at last she would be able to pay her debts She had looked forward with considerable uneasiness to her first encounter with her aunt Mrs Peniston had vehemently opposed her nieces departure with the Dorsets and had marked her continued disapproval by not writing during Lilys absence The certainty that she had heard of the rupture with the Dorsets made the prospect of the meeting more formidable and how should Lily have repressed a quick sense of relief at the thought that instead of undergoing the anticipated ordeal she had only to enter gracefully on a longassured inheritance It had been in the consecrated phrase always understood that Mrs Peniston was to provide handsomely for her niece and in the latters mind the understanding had long since crystallized into fact
She gets everything of course—I dont see what were here for Mrs Jack Stepney remarked with careless loudness to Ned Van Alstyne and the latters deprecating murmur—Julia was always a just woman—might have been interpreted as signifying either acquiescence or doubt
Well its only about four hundred thousand Mrs Stepney rejoined with a yawn and Grace Stepney in the silence produced by the lawyers preliminary cough was heard to sob out They wont find a towel missing—I went over them with her the very day——
Lily oppressed by the close atmosphere and the stifling odour of fresh mourning felt her attention straying as Mrs Penistons lawyer solemnly erect behind the Buhl table at the end of the room began to rattle through the preamble of the will
Its like being in church she reflected wondering vaguely where Gwen Stepney had got such an awful hat Then she noticed how stout Jack had grown—he would soon be almost as plethoric as Herbert Melson who sat a few feet off breathing puffily as he leaned his blackgloved hands on his stick
I wonder why rich people always grow fat—I suppose its because theres nothing to worry them If I inherit I shall have to be careful of my figure she mused while the lawyer droned on through a labyrinth of legacies The servants came first then a few charitable institutions then several remoter Melsons and Stepneys who stirred consciously as their names rang out and then subsided into a state of impassiveness befitting the solemnity of the occasion Ned Van Alstyne Jack Stepney and a cousin or two followed each coupled with the mention of a few thousands Lily wondered that Grace Stepney was not among them Then she heard her own name—to my niece Lily Bart ten thousand dollars— and after that the lawyer again lost himself in a coil of unintelligible periods from which the concluding phrase flashed out with startling distinctness and the residue of my estate to my dear cousin and namesake Grace Julia Stepney
There was a subdued gasp of surprise a rapid turning of heads and a surging of sable figures toward the corner in which Miss Stepney wailed out her sense of unworthiness through the crumpled ball of a blackedged handkerchief
Lily stood apart from the general movement feeling herself for the first time utterly alone No one looked at her no one seemed aware of her presence she was probing the very depths of insignificance And under her sense of the collective indifference came the acuter pang of hopes deceived Disinherited—she had been disinherited—and for Grace Stepney She met Gertys lamentable eyes fixed on her in a despairing effort at consolation and the look brought her to herself There was something to be done before she left the house to be done with all the nobility she knew how to put into such gestures She advanced to the group about Miss Stepney and holding out her hand said simply Dear Grace I am so glad
The other ladies had fallen back at her approach and a space created itself about her It widened as she turned to go and no one advanced to fill it up She paused a moment glancing about her calmly taking the measure of her situation She heard some one ask a question about the date of the will she caught a fragment of the lawyers answer—something about a sudden summons and an earlier instrument Then the tide of dispersal began to drift past her Mrs Jack Stepney and Mrs Herbert Melson stood on the doorstep awaiting their motor a sympathizing group escorted Grace Stepney to the cab it was felt to be fitting she should take though she lived but a street or two away and Miss Bart and Gerty found themselves almost alone in the purple drawingroom which more than ever in its stuffy dimness resembled a wellkept family vault in which the last corpse had just been decently deposited
In Gerty Farishs sittingroom whither a hansom had carried the two friends Lily dropped into a chair with a faint sound of laughter it struck her as a humorous coincidence that her aunts legacy should so nearly represent the amount of her debt to Trenor The need of discharging that debt had reasserted itself with increased urgency since her return to America and she spoke her first thought in saying to the anxiously hovering Gerty I wonder when the legacies will be paid
But Miss Farish could not pause over the legacies she broke into a larger indignation Oh Lily its unjust its cruel—Grace Stepney must FEEL she has no right to all that money
Any one who knew how to please Aunt Julia has a right to her money Miss Bart rejoined philosophically
But she was devoted to you—she led every one to think— Gerty checked herself in evident embarrassment and Miss Bart turned to her with a direct look Gerty be honest this will was made only six weeks ago She had heard of my break with the Dorsets
Every one heard of course that there had been some disagreement—some misunderstanding——
Did she hear that Bertha turned me off the yacht
Lily
That was what happened you know She said I was trying to marry George Dorset She did it to make him think she was jealous Isnt that what she told Gwen Stepney
I dont know—I dont listen to such horrors
I MUST listen to them—I must know where I stand She paused and again sounded a faint note of derision Did you notice the women They were afraid to snub me while they thought I was going to get the money—afterward they scuttled off as if I had the plague Gerty remained silent and she continued I stayed on to see what would happen They took their cue from Gwen Stepney and Lulu Melson—I saw them watching to see what Gwen would do—Gerty I must know just what is being said of me
I tell you I dont listen——
One hears such things without listening She rose and laid her resolute hands on Miss Farishs shoulders Gerty are people going to cut me
Your FRIENDS Lily—how can you think it
Who are ones friends at such a time Who but you you poor trustful darling And heaven knows what YOU suspect me of She kissed Gerty with a whimsical murmur Youd never let it make any difference—but then youre fond of criminals Gerty How about the irreclaimable ones though For Im absolutely impenitent you know
She drew herself up to the full height of her slender majesty towering like some dark angel of defiance above the troubled Gerty who could only falter out Lily Lily—how can you laugh about such things
So as not to weep perhaps But no—Im not of the tearful order I discovered early that crying makes my nose red and the knowledge has helped me through several painful episodes She took a restless turn about the room and then reseating herself lifted the bright mockery of her eyes to Gertys anxious countenance
I shouldnt have minded you know if Id got the money— and at Miss Farishs protesting Oh she repeated calmly Not a straw my dear for in the first place they wouldnt have quite dared to ignore me and if they had it wouldnt have mattered because I should have been independent of them But now— The irony faded from her eyes and she bent a clouded face upon her friend
How can you talk so Lily Of course the money ought to have been yours but after all that makes no difference The important thing—— Gerty paused and then continued firmly The important thing is that you should clear yourself—should tell your friends the whole truth
The whole truth Miss Bart laughed What is truth Where a woman is concerned its the story thats easiest to believe In this case its a great deal easier to believe Bertha Dorsets story than mine because she has a big house and an opera box and its convenient to be on good terms with her
Miss Farish still fixed her with an anxious gaze But what IS your story Lily I dont believe any one knows it yet
My story—I dont believe I know it myself You see I never thought of preparing a version in advance as Bertha did—and if I had I dont think I should take the trouble to use it now
But Gerty continued with her quiet reasonableness I dont want a version prepared in advance—but I want you to tell me exactly what happened from the beginning
From the beginning Miss Bart gently mimicked her Dear Gerty how little imagination you good people have Why the beginning was in my cradle I suppose—in the way I was brought up and the things I was taught to care for Or no—I wont blame anybody for my faults Ill say it was in my blood that I got it from some wicked pleasureloving ancestress who reacted against the homely virtues of New Amsterdam and wanted to be back at the court of the Charleses And as Miss Farish continued to press her with troubled eyes she went on impatiently You asked me just now for the truth—well the truth about any girl is that once shes talked about shes done for and the more she explains her case the worse it looks—My good Gerty you dont happen to have a cigarette about you
In her stuffy room at the hotel to which she had gone on landing Lily Bart that evening reviewed her situation It was the last week in June and none of her friends were in town The few relatives who had stayed on or returned for the reading of Mrs Penistons will had taken flight again that afternoon to Newport or Long Island and not one of them had made any proffer of hospitality to Lily For the first time in her life she found herself utterly alone except for Gerty Farish Even at the actual moment of her break with the Dorsets she had not had so keen a sense of its consequences for the Duchess of Beltshire hearing of the catastrophe from Lord Hubert had instantly offered her protection and under her sheltering wing Lily had made an almost triumphant progress to London There she had been sorely tempted to linger on in a society which asked of her only to amuse and charm it without enquiring too curiously how she had acquired her gift for doing so but Selden before they parted had pressed on her the urgent need of returning at once to her aunt and Lord Hubert when he presently reappeared in London abounded in the same counsel Lily did not need to be told that the Duchesss championship was not the best road to social rehabilitation and as she was besides aware that her noble defender might at any moment drop her in favour of a new PROTEGEE she reluctantly decided to return to America But she had not been ten minutes on her native shore before she realized that she had delayed too long to regain it The Dorsets the Stepneys the Brys—all the actors and witnesses in the miserable drama—had preceded her with their version of the case and even had she seen the least chance of gaining a hearing for her own some obscure disdain and reluctance would have restrained her She knew it was not by explanations and countercharges that she could ever hope to recover her lost standing but even had she felt the least trust in their efficacy she would still have been held back by the feeling which had kept her from defending herself to Gerty Farish—a feeling that was half pride and half humiliation For though she knew she had been ruthlessly sacrificed to Bertha Dorsets determination to win back her husband and though her own relation to Dorset had been that of the merest goodfellowship yet she had been perfectly aware from the outset that her part in the affair was as Carry Fisher brutally put it to distract Dorsets attention from his wife That was what she was there for it was the price she had chosen to pay for three months of luxury and freedom from care Her habit of resolutely facing the facts in her rare moments of introspection did not now allow her to put any false gloss on the situation She had suffered for the very faithfulness with which she had carried out her part of the tacit compact but the part was not a handsome one at best and she saw it now in all the ugliness of failure
She saw too in the same uncompromising light the train of consequences resulting from that failure and these became clearer to her with every day of her weary lingering in town She stayed on partly for the comfort of Gerty Farishs nearness and partly for lack of knowing where to go She understood well enough the nature of the task before her She must set out to regain little by little the position she had lost and the first step in the tedious task was to find out as soon as possible on how many of her friends she could count Her hopes were mainly centred on Mrs Trenor who had treasures of easygoing tolerance for those who were amusing or useful to her and in the noisy rush of whose existence the still small voice of detraction was slow to make itself heard But Judy though she must have been apprised of Miss Barts return had not even recognized it by the formal note of condolence which her friends bereavement demanded Any advance on Lilys side might have been perilous there was nothing to do but to trust to the happy chance of an accidental meeting and Lily knew that even so late in the season there was always a hope of running across her friends in their frequent passages through town
To this end she assiduously showed herself at the restaurants they frequented where attended by the troubled Gerty she lunched luxuriously as she said on her expectations
My dear Gerty you wouldnt have me let the headwaiter see that Ive nothing to live on but Aunt Julias legacy Think of Grace Stepneys satisfaction if she came in and found us lunching on cold mutton and tea What sweet shall we have today dear—COUPE JACQUES or PECHES A LA MELBA
She dropped the MENU abruptly with a quick heightening of colour and Gerty following her glance was aware of the advance from an inner room of a party headed by Mrs Trenor and Carry Fisher It was impossible for these ladies and their companions—among whom Lily had at once distinguished both Trenor and Rosedale—not to pass in going out the table at which the two girls were seated and Gertys sense of the fact betrayed itself in the helpless trepidation of her manner Miss Bart on the contrary borne forward on the wave of her buoyant grace and neither shrinking from her friends nor appearing to lie in wait for them gave to the encounter the touch of naturalness which she could impart to the most strained situations Such embarrassment as was shown was on Mrs Trenors side and manifested itself in the mingling of exaggerated warmth with imperceptible reservations Her loudly affirmed pleasure at seeing Miss Bart took the form of a nebulous generalization which included neither enquiries as to her future nor the expression of a definite wish to see her again Lily wellversed in the language of these omissions knew that they were equally intelligible to the other members of the party even Rosedale flushed as he was with the importance of keeping such company at once took the temperature of Mrs Trenors cordiality and reflected it in his offhand greeting of Miss Bart Trenor red and uncomfortable had cut short his salutations on the pretext of a word to say to the headwaiter and the rest of the group soon melted away in Mrs Trenors wake
It was over in a moment—the waiter MENU in hand still hung on the result of the choice between COUPE JACQUES and PECHES A LA MELBA—but Miss Bart in the interval had taken the measure of her fate Where Judy Trenor led all the world would follow and Lily had the doomed sense of the castaway who has signalled in vain to fleeing sails
In a flash she remembered Mrs Trenors complaints of Carry Fishers rapacity and saw that they denoted an unexpected acquaintance with her husbands private affairs In the large tumultuous disorder of the life at Bellomont where no one seemed to have time to observe any one else and private aims and personal interests were swept along unheeded in the rush of collective activities Lily had fancied herself sheltered from inconvenient scrutiny but if Judy knew when Mrs Fisher borrowed money of her husband was she likely to ignore the same transaction on Lilys part If she was careless of his affections she was plainly jealous of his pocket and in that fact Lily read the explanation of her rebuff The immediate result of these conclusions was the passionate resolve to pay back her debt to Trenor That obligation discharged she would have but a thousand dollars of Mrs Penistons legacy left and nothing to live on but her own small income which was considerably less than Gerty Farishs wretched pittance but this consideration gave way to the imperative claim of her wounded pride She must be quits with the Trenors first after that she would take thought for the future
In her ignorance of legal procrastinations she had supposed that her legacy would be paid over within a few days of the reading of her aunts will and after an interval of anxious suspense she wrote to enquire the cause of the delay There was another interval before Mrs Penistons lawyer who was also one of the executors replied to the effect that some questions having arisen relative to the interpretation of the will he and his associates might not be in a position to pay the legacies till the close of the twelvemonth legally allotted for their settlement Bewildered and indignant Lily resolved to try the effect of a personal appeal but she returned from her expedition with a sense of the powerlessness of beauty and charm against the unfeeling processes of the law It seemed intolerable to live on for another year under the weight of her debt and in her extremity she decided to turn to Miss Stepney who still lingered in town immersed in the delectable duty of going over her benefactresss effects It was bitter enough for Lily to ask a favour of Grace Stepney but the alternative was bitterer still and one morning she presented herself at Mrs Penistons where Grace for the facilitation of her pious task had taken up a provisional abode
The strangeness of entering as a suppliant the house where she had so long commanded increased Lilys desire to shorten the ordeal and when Miss Stepney entered the darkened drawingroom rustling with the best quality of crape her visitor went straight to the point would she be willing to advance the amount of the expected legacy
Grace in reply wept and wondered at the request bemoaned the inexorableness of the law and was astonished that Lily had not realized the exact similarity of their positions Did she think that only the payment of the legacies had been delayed Why Miss Stepney herself had not received a penny of her inheritance and was paying rent—yes actually—for the privilege of living in a house that belonged to her She was sure it was not what poor dear cousin Julia would have wished—she had told the executors so to their faces but they were inaccessible to reason and there was nothing to do but to wait Let Lily take example by her and be patient—let them both remember how beautifully patient cousin Julia had always been
Lily made a movement which showed her imperfect assimilation of this example But you will have everything Grace—it would be easy for you to borrow ten times the amount I am asking for
Borrow—easy for me to borrow Grace Stepney rose up before her in sable wrath Do you imagine for a moment that I would raise money on my expectations from cousin Julia when I know so well her unspeakable horror of every transaction of the sort Why Lily if you must know the truth it was the idea of your being in debt that brought on her illness—you remember she had a slight attack before you sailed Oh I dont know the particulars of course—I dont WANT to know them—but there were rumours about your affairs that made her most unhappy—no one could be with her without seeing that I cant help it if you are offended by my telling you this now—if I can do anything to make you realize the folly of your course and how deeply SHE disapproved of it I shall feel it is the truest way of making up to you for her loss
Chapter 5
It seemed to Lily as Mrs Penistons door closed on her that she was taking a final leave of her old life The future stretched before her dull and bare as the deserted length of Fifth Avenue and opportunities showed as meagrely as the few cabs trailing in quest of fares that did not come The completeness of the analogy was however disturbed as she reached the sidewalk by the rapid approach of a hansom which pulled up at sight of her
From beneath its luggageladen top she caught the wave of a signalling hand and the next moment Mrs Fisher springing to the street had folded her in a demonstrative embrace
My dear you dont mean to say youre still in town When I saw you the other day at Sherrys I didnt have time to ask—— She broke off and added with a burst of frankness The truth is I was HORRID Lily and Ive wanted to tell you so ever since
Oh—— Miss Bart protested drawing back from her penitent clasp but Mrs Fisher went on with her usual directness Look here Lily dont lets beat about the bush half the trouble in life is caused by pretending there isnt any Thats not my way and I can only say Im thoroughly ashamed of myself for following the other womens lead But well talk of that by and bye—tell me now where youre staying and what your plans are I dont suppose youre keeping house in there with Grace Stepney eh—and it struck me you might be rather at loose ends
In Lilys present mood there was no resisting the honest friendliness of this appeal and she said with a smile I am at loose ends for the moment but Gerty Farish is still in town and shes good enough to let me be with her whenever she can spare the time
Mrs Fisher made a slight grimace Hm—thats a temperate joy Oh I know—Gertys a trump and worth all the rest of us put together but A LA LONGUE youre used to a little higher seasoning arent you dear And besides I suppose shell be off herself before long—the first of August you say Well look here you cant spend your summer in town well talk of that later too But meanwhile what do you say to putting a few things in a trunk and coming down with me to the Sam Gormers tonight
And as Lily stared at the breathless suddenness of the suggestion she continued with her easy laugh You dont know them and they dont know you but that dont make a rap of difference Theyve taken the Van Alstyne place at Roslyn and Ive got CARTE BLANCHE to bring my friends down there—the more the merrier They do things awfully well and theres to be rather a jolly party there this week—— she broke off checked by an undefinable change in Miss Barts expression Oh I dont mean YOUR particular set you know rather a different crowd but very good fun The fact is the Gormers have struck out on a line of their own what they want is to have a good time and to have it in their own way They gave the other thing a few months trial under my distinguished auspices and they were really doing extremely well—getting on a good deal faster than the Brys just because they didnt care as much—but suddenly they decided that the whole business bored them and that what they wanted was a crowd they could really feel at home with Rather original of them dont you think so Mattie Gormer HAS got aspirations still women always have but shes awfully easygoing and Sam wont be bothered and they both like to be the most important people in sight so theyve started a sort of continuous performance of their own a kind of social Coney Island where everybody is welcome who can make noise enough and doesnt put on airs I think its awfully good fun myself—some of the artistic set you know any pretty actress thats going and so on This week for instance they have Audrey Anstell who made such a hit last spring in The Winning of Winny and Paul Morpeth—hes painting Mattie Gormer—and the Dick Bellingers and Kate Corby—well every one you can think of whos jolly and makes a row Now dont stand there with your nose in the air my dear—it will be a good deal better than a broiling Sunday in town and youll find clever people as well as noisy ones—Morpeth who admires Mattie enormously always brings one or two of his set
Mrs Fisher drew Lily toward the hansom with friendly authority Jump in now theres a dear and well drive round to your hotel and have your things packed and then well have tea and the two maids can meet us at the train
It was a good deal better than a broiling Sunday in town—of that no doubt remained to Lily as reclining in the shade of a leafy verandah she looked seaward across a stretch of greensward picturesquely dotted with groups of ladies in lace raiment and men in tennis flannels The huge Van Alstyne house and its rambling dependencies were packed to their fullest capacity with the Gormers weekend guests who now in the radiance of the Sunday forenoon were dispersing themselves over the grounds in quest of the various distractions the place afforded distractions ranging from tenniscourts to shootinggalleries from bridge and whiskey within doors to motors and steamlaunches without Lily had the odd sense of having been caught up into the crowd as carelessly as a passenger is gathered in by an express train The blonde and genial Mrs Gormer might indeed have figured the conductor calmly assigning seats to the rush of travellers while Carry Fisher represented the porter pushing their bags into place giving them their numbers for the diningcar and warning them when their station was at hand The train meanwhile had scarcely slackened speed—life whizzed on with a deafening rattle and roar in which one traveller at least found a welcome refuge from the sound of her own thoughts The Gormer MILIEU represented a social outskirt which Lily had always fastidiously avoided but it struck her now that she was in it as only a flamboyant copy of her own world a caricature approximating the real thing as the society play approaches the manners of the drawingroom The people about her were doing the same things as the Trenors the Van Osburghs and the Dorsets the difference lay in a hundred shades of aspect and manner from the pattern of the mens waistcoats to the inflexion of the womens voices Everything was pitched in a higher key and there was more of each thing more noise more colour more champagne more familiarity—but also greater goodnature less rivalry and a fresher capacity for enjoyment
Miss Barts arrival had been welcomed with an uncritical friendliness that first irritated her pride and then brought her to a sharp sense of her own situation—of the place in life which for the moment she must accept and make the best of These people knew her story—of that her first long talk with Carry Fisher had left no doubt she was publicly branded as the heroine of a queer episode—but instead of shrinking from her as her own friends had done they received her without question into the easy promiscuity of their lives They swallowed her past as easily as they did Miss Anstells and with no apparent sense of any difference in the size of the mouthful all they asked was that she should—in her own way for they recognized a diversity of gifts—contribute as much to the general amusement as that graceful actress whose talents when off the stage were of the most varied order Lily felt at once that any tendency to be stuckup to mark a sense of differences and distinctions would be fatal to her continuance in the Gormer set To be taken in on such terms—and into such a world—was hard enough to the lingering pride in her but she realized with a pang of selfcontempt that to be excluded from it would after all be harder still For almost at once she had felt the insidious charm of slipping back into a life where every material difficulty was smoothed away The sudden escape from a stifling hotel in a dusty deserted city to the space and luxury of a great countryhouse fanned by sea breezes had produced a state of moral lassitude agreeable enough after the nervous tension and physical discomfort of the past weeks For the moment she must yield to the refreshment her senses craved—after that she would reconsider her situation and take counsel with her dignity Her enjoyment of her surroundings was indeed tinged by the unpleasant consideration that she was accepting the hospitality and courting the approval of people she had disdained under other conditions But she was growing less sensitive on such points a hard glaze of indifference was fast forming over her delicacies and susceptibilities and each concession to expediency hardened the surface a little more
On the Monday when the party disbanded with uproarious adieux the return to town threw into stronger relief the charms of the life she was leaving The other guests were dispersing to take up the same existence in a different setting some at Newport some at Bar Harbour some in the elaborate rusticity of an Adirondack camp Even Gerty Farish who welcomed Lilys return with tender solicitude would soon be preparing to join the aunt with whom she spent her summers on Lake George only Lily herself remained without plan or purpose stranded in a backwater of the great current of pleasure But Carry Fisher who had insisted on transporting her to her own house where she herself was to perch for a day or two on the way to the Brys camp came to the rescue with a new suggestion
Look here Lily—Ill tell you what it is I want you to take my place with Mattie Gormer this summer Theyre taking a party out to Alaska next month in their private car and Mattie who is the laziest woman alive wants me to go with them and relieve her of the bother of arranging things but the Brys want me too—oh yes weve made it up didnt I tell you—and to put it frankly though I like the Gormers best theres more profit for me in the Brys The fact is they want to try Newport this summer and if I can make it a success for them they—well theyll make it a success for me Mrs Fisher clasped her hands enthusiastically Do you know Lily the more I think of my idea the better I like it—quite as much for you as for myself The Gormers have both taken a tremendous fancy to you and the trip to Alaska is—well—the very thing I should want for you just at present
Miss Bart lifted her eyes with a keen glance To take me out of my friends way you mean she said quietly and Mrs Fisher responded with a deprecating kiss To keep you out of their sight till they realize how much they miss you
Miss Bart went with the Gormers to Alaska and the expedition if it did not produce the effect anticipated by her friend had at least the negative advantage of removing her from the fiery centre of criticism and discussion Gerty Farish had opposed the plan with all the energy of her somewhat inarticulate nature She had even offered to give up her visit to Lake George and remain in town with Miss Bart if the latter would renounce her journey but Lily could disguise her real distaste for this plan under a sufficiently valid reason
You dear innocent dont you see she protested that Carry is quite right and that I must take up my usual life and go about among people as much as possible If my old friends choose to believe lies about me I shall have to make new ones thats all and you know beggars mustnt be choosers Not that I dont like Mattie Gormer—I DO like her shes kind and honest and unaffected and dont you suppose I feel grateful to her for making me welcome at a time when as youve yourself seen my own family have unanimously washed their hands of me
Gerty shook her head mutely unconvinced She felt not only that Lily was cheapening herself by making use of an intimacy she would never have cultivated from choice but that in drifting back now to her former manner of life she was forfeiting her last chance of ever escaping from it Gerty had but an obscure conception of what Lilys actual experience had been but its consequences had established a lasting hold on her pity since the memorable night when she had offered up her own secret hope to her friends extremity To characters like Gertys such a sacrifice constitutes a moral claim on the part of the person in whose behalf it has been made Having once helped Lily she must continue to help her and helping her must believe in her because faith is the mainspring of such natures But even if Miss Bart after her renewed taste of the amenities of life could have returned to the barrenness of a New York August mitigated only by poor Gertys presence her worldly wisdom would have counselled her against such an act of abnegation She knew that Carry Fisher was right that an opportune absence might be the first step toward rehabilitation and that at any rate to linger on in town out of season was a fatal admission of defeat From the Gormers tumultuous progress across their native continent she returned with an altered view of her situation The renewed habit of luxury—the daily waking to an assured absence of care and presence of material ease—gradually blunted her appreciation of these values and left her more conscious of the void they could not fill Mattie Gormers undiscriminating goodnature and the slapdash sociability of her friends who treated Lily precisely as they treated each other—all these characteristic notes of difference began to wear upon her endurance and the more she saw to criticize in her companions the less justification she found for making use of them The longing to get back to her former surroundings hardened to a fixed idea but with the strengthening of her purpose came the inevitable perception that to attain it she must exact fresh concessions from her pride These for the moment took the unpleasant form of continuing to cling to her hosts after their return from Alaska Little as she was in the key of their MILIEU her immense social facility her long habit of adapting herself to others without suffering her own outline to be blurred the skilled manipulation of all the polished implements of her craft had won for her an important place in the Gormer group If their resonant hilarity could never be hers she contributed a note of easy elegance more valuable to Mattie Gormer than the louder passages of the band Sam Gormer and his special cronies stood indeed a little in awe of her but Matties following headed by Paul Morpeth made her feel that they prized her for the very qualities they most conspicuously lacked If Morpeth whose social indolence was as great as his artistic activity had abandoned himself to the easy current of the Gormer existence where the minor exactions of politeness were unknown or ignored and a man could either break his engagements or keep them in a paintingjacket and slippers he still preserved his sense of differences and his appreciation of graces he had no time to cultivate During the preparations for the Brys TABLEAUX he had been immensely struck by Lilys plastic possibilities—not the face too selfcontrolled for expression but the rest of her—gad what a model shed make—and though his abhorrence of the world in which he had seen her was too great for him to think of seeking her there he was fully alive to the privilege of having her to look at and listen to while he lounged in Mattie Gormers dishevelled drawingroom
Lily had thus formed in the tumult of her surroundings a little nucleus of friendly relations which mitigated the crudeness of her course in lingering with the Gormers after their return Nor was she without pale glimpses of her own world especially since the breakingup of the Newport season had set the social current once more toward Long Island Kate Corby whose tastes made her as promiscuous as Carry Fisher was rendered by her necessities occasionally descended on the Gormers where after a first stare of surprise she took Lilys presence almost too much as a matter of course Mrs Fisher too appearing frequently in the neighbourhood drove over to impart her experiences and give Lily what she called the latest report from the weatherbureau and the latter who had never directly invited her confidence could yet talk with her more freely than with Gerty Farish in whose presence it was impossible even to admit the existence of much that Mrs Fisher conveniently took for granted
Mrs Fisher moreover had no embarrassing curiosity She did not wish to probe the inwardness of Lilys situation but simply to view it from the outside and draw her conclusions accordingly and these conclusions at the end of a confidential talk she summed up to her friend in the succinct remark You must marry as soon as you can
Lily uttered a faint laugh—for once Mrs Fisher lacked originality Do you mean like Gerty Farish to recommend the unfailing panacea of a good mans love
No—I dont think either of my candidates would answer to that description said Mrs Fisher after a pause of reflection
Either Are there actually two
Well perhaps I ought to say one and a half—for the moment
Miss Bart received this with increasing amusement Other things being equal I think I should prefer a halfhusband who is he
Dont fly out at me till you hear my reasons—George Dorset
Oh—— Lily murmured reproachfully but Mrs Fisher pressed on unrebuffed Well why not They had a few weeks honeymoon when they first got back from Europe but now things are going badly with them again Bertha has been behaving more than ever like a madwoman and Georges powers of credulity are very nearly exhausted Theyre at their place here you know and I spent last Sunday with them It was a ghastly party—no one else but poor Neddy Silverton who looks like a galleyslave they used to talk of my making that poor boy unhappy—and after luncheon George carried me off on a long walk and told me the end would have to come soon
Miss Bart made an incredulous gesture As far as that goes the end will never come—Bertha will always know how to get him back when she wants him
Mrs Fisher continued to observe her tentatively Not if he has any one else to turn to Yes—thats just what it comes to the poor creature cant stand alone And I remember him such a good fellow full of life and enthusiasm She paused and went on dropping her glance from Lilys He wouldnt stay with her ten minutes if he KNEW——
Knew—— Miss Bart repeated
What YOU must for instance—with the opportunities youve had If he had positive proof I mean——
Lily interrupted her with a deep blush of displeasure Please let us drop the subject Carry its too odious to me And to divert her companions attention she added with an attempt at lightness And your second candidate We must not forget him
Mrs Fisher echoed her laugh I wonder if youll cry out just as loud if I say—Sim Rosedale
Miss Bart did not cry out she sat silent gazing thoughtfully at her friend The suggestion in truth gave expression to a possibility which in the last weeks had more than once recurred to her but after a moment she said carelessly Mr Rosedale wants a wife who can establish him in the bosom of the Van Osburghs and Trenors
Mrs Fisher caught her up eagerly And so YOU could—with his money Dont you see how beautifully it would work out for you both
I dont see any way of making him see it Lily returned with a laugh intended to dismiss the subject
But in reality it lingered with her long after Mrs Fisher had taken leave She had seen very little of Rosedale since her annexation by the Gormers for he was still steadily bent on penetrating to the inner Paradise from which she was now excluded but once or twice when nothing better offered he had turned up for a Sunday and on these occasions he had left her in no doubt as to his view of her situation That he still admired her was more than ever offensively evident for in the Gormer circle where he expanded as in his native element there were no puzzling conventions to check the full expression of his approval But it was in the quality of his admiration that she read his shrewd estimate of her case He enjoyed letting the Gormers see that he had known Miss Lily—she was Miss Lily to him now—before they had had the faintest social existence enjoyed more especially impressing Paul Morpeth with the distance to which their intimacy dated back But he let it be felt that that intimacy was a mere ripple on the surface of a rushing social current the kind of relaxation which a man of large interests and manifold preoccupations permits himself in his hours of ease
The necessity of accepting this view of their past relation and of meeting it in the key of pleasantry prevalent among her new friends was deeply humiliating to Lily But she dared less than ever to quarrel with Rosedale She suspected that her rejection rankled among the most unforgettable of his rebuffs and the fact that he knew something of her wretched transaction with Trenor and was sure to put the basest construction on it seemed to place her hopelessly in his power Yet at Carry Fishers suggestion a new hope had stirred in her Much as she disliked Rosedale she no longer absolutely despised him For he was gradually attaining his object in life and that to Lily was always less despicable than to miss it With the slow unalterable persistency which she had always felt in him he was making his way through the dense mass of social antagonisms Already his wealth and the masterly use he had made of it were giving him an enviable prominence in the world of affairs and placing Wall Street under obligations which only Fifth Avenue could repay In response to these claims his name began to figure on municipal committees and charitable boards he appeared at banquets to distinguished strangers and his candidacy at one of the fashionable clubs was discussed with diminishing opposition He had figured once or twice at the Trenor dinners and had learned to speak with just the right note of disdain of the big Van Osburgh crushes and all he now needed was a wife whose affiliations would shorten the last tedious steps of his ascent It was with that object that a year earlier he had fixed his affections on Miss Bart but in the interval he had mounted nearer to the goal while she had lost the power to abbreviate the remaining steps of the way All this she saw with the clearness of vision that came to her in moments of despondency It was success that dazzled her—she could distinguish facts plainly enough in the twilight of failure And the twilight as she now sought to pierce it was gradually lighted by a faint spark of reassurance Under the utilitarian motive of Rosedales wooing she had felt clearly enough the heat of personal inclination She would not have detested him so heartily had she not known that he dared to admire her What then if the passion persisted though the other motive had ceased to sustain it She had never even tried to please him—he had been drawn to her in spite of her manifest disdain What if she now chose to exert the power which even in its passive state he had felt so strongly What if she made him marry her for love now that he had no other reason for marrying her
Chapter 6
As became persons of their rising consequence the Gormers were engaged in building a countryhouse on Long Island and it was a part of Miss Barts duty to attend her hostess on frequent visits of inspection to the new estate There while Mrs Gormer plunged into problems of lighting and sanitation Lily had leisure to wander in the bright autumn air along the treefringed bay to which the land declined Little as she was addicted to solitude there had come to be moments when it seemed a welcome escape from the empty noises of her life She was weary of being swept passively along a current of pleasure and business in which she had no share weary of seeing other people pursue amusement and squander money while she felt herself of no more account among them than an expensive toy in the hands of a spoiled child
It was in this frame of mind that striking back from the shore one morning into the windings of an unfamiliar lane she came suddenly upon the figure of George Dorset The Dorset place was in the immediate neighbourhood of the Gormers newlyacquired estate and in her motorflights thither with Mrs Gormer Lily had caught one or two passing glimpses of the couple but they moved in so different an orbit that she had not considered the possibility of a direct encounter
Dorset swinging along with bent head in moody abstraction did not see Miss Bart till he was close upon her but the sight instead of bringing him to a halt as she had halfexpected sent him toward her with an eagerness which found expression in his opening words
Miss Bart—Youll shake hands wont you Ive been hoping to meet you—I should have written to you if Id dared His face with its tossed red hair and straggling moustache had a driven uneasy look as though life had become an unceasing race between himself and the thoughts at his heels
The look drew a word of compassionate greeting from Lily and he pressed on as if encouraged by her tone I wanted to apologize—to ask you to forgive me for the miserable part I played——
She checked him with a quick gesture Dont let us speak of it I was very sorry for you she said with a tinge of disdain which as she instantly perceived was not lost on him
He flushed to his haggard eyes flushed so cruelly that she repented the thrust You might well be you dont know—you must let me explain I was deceived abominably deceived——
I am still more sorry for you then she interposed without irony but you must see that I am not exactly the person with whom the subject can be discussed
He met this with a look of genuine wonder Why not Isnt it to you of all people that I owe an explanation——
No explanation is necessary the situation was perfectly clear to me
Ah—— he murmured his head drooping again and his irresolute hand switching at the underbrush along the lane But as Lily made a movement to pass on he broke out with fresh vehemence Miss Bart for Gods sake dont turn from me We used to be good friends—you were always kind to me—and you dont know how I need a friend now
The lamentable weakness of the words roused a motion of pity in Lilys breast She too needed friends—she had tasted the pang of loneliness and her resentment of Bertha Dorsets cruelty softened her heart to the poor wretch who was after all the chief of Berthas victims
I still wish to be kind I feel no illwill toward you she said But you must understand that after what has happened we cant be friends again—we cant see each other
Ah you ARE kind—youre merciful—you always were He fixed his miserable gaze on her But why cant we be friends—why not when Ive repented in dust and ashes Isnt it hard that you should condemn me to suffer for the falseness the treachery of others I was punished enough at the time—is there to be no respite for me
I should have thought you had found complete respite in the reconciliation which was effected at my expense Lily began with renewed impatience but he broke in imploringly Dont put it in that way—when thats been the worst of my punishment My God what could I do—wasnt I powerless You were singled out as a sacrifice any word I might have said would have been turned against you——
I have told you I dont blame you all I ask you to understand is that after the use Bertha chose to make of me—after all that her behaviour has since implied—its impossible that you and I should meet
He continued to stand before her in his dogged weakness Is it—need it be Mightnt there be circumstances—— he checked himself slashing at the wayside weeds in a wider radius Then he began again Miss Bart listen—give me a minute If were not to meet again at least let me have a hearing now You say we cant be friends after—after what has happened But cant I at least appeal to your pity Cant I move you if I ask you to think of me as a prisoner—a prisoner you alone can set free
Lilys inward start betrayed itself in a quick blush was it possible that this was really the sense of Carry Fishers adumbrations
I cant see how I can possibly be of any help to you she murmured drawing back a little from the mounting excitement of his look
Her tone seemed to sober him as it had so often done in his stormiest moments The stubborn lines of his face relaxed and he said with an abrupt drop to docility You WOULD see if youd be as merciful as you used to be and heaven knows Ive never needed it more
She paused a moment moved in spite of herself by this reminder of her influence over him Her fibres had been softened by suffering and the sudden glimpse into his mocked and broken life disarmed her contempt for his weakness
I am very sorry for you—I would help you willingly but you must have other friends other advisers
I never had a friend like you he answered simply And besides—cant you see—youre the only person—his voice dropped to a whisper—the only person who knows
Again she felt her colour change again her heart rose in precipitate throbs to meet what she felt was coming He lifted his eyes to her entreatingly You do see dont you You understand Im desperate—Im at the end of my tether I want to be free and you can free me I know you can You dont want to keep me bound fast in hell do you You cant want to take such a vengeance as that You were always kind—your eyes are kind now You say youre sorry for me Well it rests with you to show it and heaven knows theres nothing to keep you back You understand of course—there wouldnt be a hint of publicity—not a sound or a syllable to connect you with the thing It would never come to that you know all I need is to be able to say definitely I know this—and this—and this—and the fight would drop and the way be cleared and the whole abominable business swept out of sight in a second
He spoke pantingly like a tired runner with breaks of exhaustion between his words and through the breaks she caught as through the shifting rents of a fog great golden vistas of peace and safety For there was no mistaking the definite intention behind his vague appeal she could have filled up the blanks without the help of Mrs Fishers insinuations Here was a man who turned to her in the extremity of his loneliness and his humiliation if she came to him at such a moment he would be hers with all the force of his deluded faith And the power to make him so lay in her hand—lay there in a completeness he could not even remotely conjecture Revenge and rehabilitation might be hers at a stroke—there was something dazzling in the completeness of the opportunity
She stood silent gazing away from him down the autumnal stretch of the deserted lane And suddenly fear possessed her—fear of herself and of the terrible force of the temptation All her past weaknesses were like so many eager accomplices drawing her toward the path their feet had already smoothed She turned quickly and held out her hand to Dorset
Goodbye—Im sorry theres nothing in the world that I can do
Nothing Ah dont say that he cried say whats true that you abandon me like the others You the only creature who could have saved me
Goodbye—goodbye she repeated hurriedly and as she moved away she heard him cry out on a last note of entreaty At least youll let me see you once more
Lily on regaining the Gormer grounds struck rapidly across the lawn toward the unfinished house where she fancied that her hostess might be speculating not too resignedly on the cause of her delay for like many unpunctual persons Mrs Gormer disliked to be kept waiting
As Miss Bart reached the avenue however she saw a smart phaeton with a highstepping pair disappear behind the shrubbery in the direction of the gate and on the doorstep stood Mrs Gormer with a glow of retrospective pleasure on her open countenance At sight of Lily the glow deepened to an embarrassed red and she said with a slight laugh Did you see my visitor Oh I thought you came back by the avenue It was Mrs George Dorset—she said shed dropped in to make a neighbourly call
Lily met the announcement with her usual composure though her experience of Berthas idiosyncrasies would not have led her to include the neighbourly instinct among them and Mrs Gormer relieved to see that she gave no sign of surprise went on with a deprecating laugh Of course what really brought her was curiosity—she made me take her all over the house But no one could have been nicer—no airs you know and so goodnatured I can quite see why people think her so fascinating
This surprising event coinciding too completely with her meeting with Dorset to be regarded as contingent upon it had yet immediately struck Lily with a vague sense of foreboding It was not in Berthas habits to be neighbourly much less to make advances to any one outside the immediate circle of her affinities She had always consistently ignored the world of outer aspirants or had recognized its individual members only when prompted by motives of selfinterest and the very capriciousness of her condescensions had as Lily was aware given them special value in the eyes of the persons she distinguished Lily saw this now in Mrs Gormers unconcealable complacency and in the happy irrelevance with which for the next day or two she quoted Berthas opinions and speculated on the origin of her gown All the secret ambitions which Mrs Gormers native indolence and the attitude of her companions kept in habitual abeyance were now germinating afresh in the glow of Berthas advances and whatever the cause of the latter Lily saw that if they were followed up they were likely to have a disturbing effect upon her own future
She had arranged to break the length of her stay with her new friends by one or two visits to other acquaintances as recent and on her return from this somewhat depressing excursion she was immediately conscious that Mrs Dorsets influence was still in the air There had been another exchange of visits a tea at a countryclub an encounter at a hunt ball there was even a rumour of an approaching dinner which Mattie Gormer with an unnatural effort at discretion tried to smuggle out of the conversation whenever Miss Bart took part in it
The latter had already planned to return to town after a farewell Sunday with her friends and with Gerty Farishs aid had discovered a small private hotel where she might establish herself for the winter The hotel being on the edge of a fashionable neighbourhood the price of the few square feet she was to occupy was considerably in excess of her means but she found a justification for her dislike of poorer quarters in the argument that at this particular juncture it was of the utmost importance to keep up a show of prosperity In reality it was impossible for her while she had the means to pay her way for a week ahead to lapse into a form of existence like Gerty Farishs She had never been so near the brink of insolvency but she could at least manage to meet her weekly hotel bill and having settled the heaviest of her previous debts out of the money she had received from Trenor she had a still fair margin of credit to go upon The situation however was not agreeable enough to lull her to complete unconsciousness of its insecurity Her rooms with their cramped outlook down a sallow vista of brick walls and fireescapes her lonely meals in the dark restaurant with its surcharged ceiling and haunting smell of coffee—all these material discomforts which were yet to be accounted as so many privileges soon to be withdrawn kept constantly before her the disadvantages of her state and her mind reverted the more insistently to Mrs Fishers counsels Beat about the question as she would she knew the outcome of it was that she must try to marry Rosedale and in this conviction she was fortified by an unexpected visit from George Dorset
She found him on the first Sunday after her return to town pacing her narrow sittingroom to the imminent peril of the few knickknacks with which she had tried to disguise its plush exuberances but the sight of her seemed to quiet him and he said meekly that he hadnt come to bother her—that he asked only to be allowed to sit for half an hour and talk of anything she liked In reality as she knew he had but one subject himself and his wretchedness and it was the need of her sympathy that had drawn him back But he began with a pretence of questioning her about herself and as she replied she saw that for the first time a faint realization of her plight penetrated the dense surface of his selfabsorption Was it possible that her old beast of an aunt had actually cut her off That she was living alone like this because there was no one else for her to go to and that she really hadnt more than enough to keep alive on till the wretched little legacy was paid The fibres of sympathy were nearly atrophied in him but he was suffering so intensely that he had a faint glimpse of what other sufferings might mean—and as she perceived an almost simultaneous perception of the way in which her particular misfortunes might serve him
When at length she dismissed him on the pretext that she must dress for dinner he lingered entreatingly on the threshold to blurt out Its been such a comfort—do say youll let me see you again— But to this direct appeal it was impossible to give an assent and she said with friendly decisiveness Im sorry—but you know why I cant
He coloured to the eyes pushed the door shut and stood before her embarrassed but insistent I know how you might if you would—if things were different—and it lies with you to make them so Its just a word to say and you put me out of my misery
Their eyes met and for a second she trembled again with the nearness of the temptation Youre mistaken I know nothing I saw nothing she exclaimed striving by sheer force of reiteration to build a barrier between herself and her peril and as he turned away groaning out You sacrifice us both she continued to repeat as if it were a charm I know nothing—absolutely nothing
Lily had seen little of Rosedale since her illuminating talk with Mrs Fisher but on the two or three occasions when they had met she was conscious of having distinctly advanced in his favour There could be no doubt that he admired her as much as ever and she believed it rested with herself to raise his admiration to the point where it should bear down the lingering counsels of expediency The task was not an easy one but neither was it easy in her long sleepless nights to face the thought of what George Dorset was so clearly ready to offer Baseness for baseness she hated the other least there were even moments when a marriage with Rosedale seemed the only honourable solution of her difficulties She did not indeed let her imagination range beyond the day of plighting after that everything faded into a haze of material wellbeing in which the personality of her benefactor remained mercifully vague She had learned in her long vigils that there were certain things not good to think of certain midnight images that must at any cost be exorcised—and one of these was the image of herself as Rosedales wife
Carry Fisher on the strength as she frankly owned of the Brys Newport success had taken for the autumn months a small house at Tuxedo and thither Lily was bound on the Sunday after Dorsets visit Though it was nearly dinnertime when she arrived her hostess was still out and the firelit quiet of the small silent house descended on her spirit with a sense of peace and familiarity It may be doubted if such an emotion had ever before been evoked by Carry Fishers surroundings but contrasted to the world in which Lily had lately lived there was an air of repose and stability in the very placing of the furniture and in the quiet competence of the parlourmaid who led her up to her room Mrs Fishers unconventionality was after all a merely superficial divergence from an inherited social creed while the manners of the Gormer circle represented their first attempt to formulate such a creed for themselves
It was the first time since her return from Europe that Lily had found herself in a congenial atmosphere and the stirring of familiar associations had almost prepared her as she descended the stairs before dinner to enter upon a group of her old acquaintances But this expectation was instantly checked by the reflection that the friends who remained loyal were precisely those who would be least willing to expose her to such encounters and it was hardly with surprise that she found instead Mr Rosedale kneeling domestically on the drawingroom hearth before his hostesss little girl
Rosedale in the paternal role was hardly a figure to soften Lily yet she could not but notice a quality of homely goodness in his advances to the child They were not at any rate the premeditated and perfunctory endearments of the guest under his hostesss eye for he and the little girl had the room to themselves and something in his attitude made him seem a simple and kindly being compared to the small critical creature who endured his homage Yes he would be kind—Lily from the threshold had time to feel—kind in his gross unscrupulous rapacious way the way of the predatory creature with his mate She had but a moment in which to consider whether this glimpse of the fireside man mitigated her repugnance or gave it rather a more concrete and intimate form for at sight of her he was immediately on his feet again the florid and dominant Rosedale of Mattie Gormers drawingroom
It was no surprise to Lily to find that he had been selected as her only fellowguest Though she and her hostess had not met since the latters tentative discussion of her future Lily knew that the acuteness which enabled Mrs Fisher to lay a safe and pleasant course through a world of antagonistic forces was not infrequently exercised for the benefit of her friends It was in fact characteristic of Carry that while she actively gleaned her own stores from the fields of affluence her real sympathies were on the other side—with the unlucky the unpopular the unsuccessful with all her hungry fellowtoilers in the shorn stubble of success
Mrs Fishers experience guarded her against the mistake of exposing Lily for the first evening to the unmitigated impression of Rosedales personality Kate Corby and two or three men dropped in to dinner and Lily alive to every detail of her friends method saw that such opportunities as had been contrived for her were to be deferred till she had as it were gained courage to make effectual use of them She had a sense of acquiescing in this plan with the passiveness of a sufferer resigned to the surgeons touch and this feeling of almost lethargic helplessness continued when after the departure of the guests Mrs Fisher followed her upstairs
May I come in and smoke a cigarette over your fire If we talk in my room we shall disturb the child Mrs Fisher looked about her with the eye of the solicitous hostess I hope youve managed to make yourself comfortable dear Isnt it a jolly little house Its such a blessing to have a few quiet weeks with the baby
Carry in her rare moments of prosperity became so expansively maternal that Miss Bart sometimes wondered whether if she could ever get time and money enough she would not end by devoting them both to her daughter
Its a wellearned rest Ill say that for myself she continued sinking down with a sigh of content on the pillowed lounge near the fire Louisa Bry is a stern taskmaster I often used to wish myself back with the Gormers Talk of love making people jealous and suspicious—its nothing to social ambition Louisa used to lie awake at night wondering whether the women who called on us called on ME because I was with her or on HER because she was with me and she was always laying traps to find out what I thought Of course I had to disown my oldest friends rather than let her suspect she owed me the chance of making a single acquaintance—when all the while that was what she had me there for and what she wrote me a handsome cheque for when the season was over
Mrs Fisher was not a woman who talked of herself without cause and the practice of direct speech far from precluding in her an occasional resort to circuitous methods served rather at crucial moments the purpose of the jugglers chatter while he shifts the contents of his sleeves Through the haze of her cigarette smoke she continued to gaze meditatively at Miss Bart who having dismissed her maid sat before the toilettable shaking out over her shoulders the loosened undulations of her hair
Your hairs wonderful Lily Thinner— What does that matter when its so light and alive So many womens worries seem to go straight to their hair—but yours looks as if there had never been an anxious thought under it I never saw you look better than you did this evening Mattie Gormer told me that Morpeth wanted to paint you—why dont you let him
Miss Barts immediate answer was to address a critical glance to the reflection of the countenance under discussion Then she said with a slight touch of irritation I dont care to accept a portrait from Paul Morpeth
Mrs Fisher mused N—no And just now especially—well he can do you after youre married She waited a moment and then went on By the way I had a visit from Mattie the other day She turned up here last Sunday—and with Bertha Dorset of all people in the world
She paused again to measure the effect of this announcement on her hearer but the brush in Miss Barts lifted hand maintained its unwavering stroke from brow to nape
I never was more astonished Mrs Fisher pursued I dont know two women less predestined to intimacy—from Berthas standpoint that is for of course poor Mattie thinks it natural enough that she should be singled out—Ive no doubt the rabbit always thinks it is fascinating the anaconda Well you know Ive always told you that Mattie secretly longed to bore herself with the really fashionable and now that the chance has come I see that shes capable of sacrificing all her old friends to it
Lily laid aside her brush and turned a penetrating glance upon her friend Including ME she suggested
Ah my dear murmured Mrs Fisher rising to push back a log from the hearth
Thats what Bertha means isnt it Miss Bart went on steadily For of course she always means something and before I left Long Island I saw that she was beginning to lay her toils for Mattie
Mrs Fisher sighed evasively She has her fast now at any rate To think of that loud independence of Matties being only a subtler form of snobbishness Bertha can already make her believe anything she pleases—and Im afraid shes begun my poor child by insinuating horrors about you
Lily flushed under the shadow of her drooping hair The world is too vile she murmured averting herself from Mrs Fishers anxious scrutiny
Its not a pretty place and the only way to keep a footing in it is to fight it on its own terms—and above all my dear not alone Mrs Fisher gathered up her floating implications in a resolute grasp Youve told me so little that I can only guess what has been happening but in the rush we all live in theres no time to keep on hating any one without a cause and if Bertha is still nasty enough to want to injure you with other people it must be because shes still afraid of you From her standpoint theres only one reason for being afraid of you and my own idea is that if you want to punish her you hold the means in your hand I believe you can marry George Dorset tomorrow but if you dont care for that particular form of retaliation the only thing to save you from Bertha is to marry somebody else
Chapter 7
The light projected on the situation by Mrs Fisher had the cheerless distinctness of a winter dawn It outlined the facts with a cold precision unmodified by shade or colour and refracted as it were from the blank walls of the surrounding limitations she had opened windows from which no sky was ever visible But the idealist subdued to vulgar necessities must employ vulgar minds to draw the inferences to which he cannot stoop and it was easier for Lily to let Mrs Fisher formulate her case than to put it plainly to herself Once confronted with it however she went the full length of its consequences and these had never been more clearly present to her than when the next afternoon she set out for a walk with Rosedale
It was one of those still November days when the air is haunted with the light of summer and something in the lines of the landscape and in the golden haze which bathed them recalled to Miss Bart the September afternoon when she had climbed the slopes of Bellomont with Selden The importunate memory was kept before her by its ironic contrast to her present situation since her walk with Selden had represented an irresistible flight from just such a climax as the present excursion was designed to bring about But other memories importuned her also the recollection of similar situations as skillfully led up to but through some malice of fortune or her own unsteadiness of purpose always failing of the intended result Well her purpose was steady enough now She saw that the whole weary work of rehabilitation must begin again and against far greater odds if Bertha Dorset should succeed in breaking up her friendship with the Gormers and her longing for shelter and security was intensified by the passionate desire to triumph over Bertha as only wealth and predominance could triumph over her As the wife of Rosedale—the Rosedale she felt it in her power to create—she would at least present an invulnerable front to her enemy
She had to draw upon this thought as upon some fiery stimulant to keep up her part in the scene toward which Rosedale was too frankly tending As she walked beside him shrinking in every nerve from the way in which his look and tone made free of her yet telling herself that this momentary endurance of his mood was the price she must pay for her ultimate power over him she tried to calculate the exact point at which concession must turn to resistance and the price HE would have to pay be made equally clear to him But his dapper selfconfidence seemed impenetrable to such hints and she had a sense of something hard and selfcontained behind the superficial warmth of his manner
They had been seated for some time in the seclusion of a rocky glen above the lake when she suddenly cut short the culmination of an impassioned period by turning upon him the grave loveliness of her gaze
I DO believe what you say Mr Rosedale she said quietly and I am ready to marry you whenever you wish
Rosedale reddening to the roots of his glossy hair received this announcement with a recoil which carried him to his feet where he halted before her in an attitude of almost comic discomfiture
For I suppose that is what you do wish she continued in the same quiet tone And though I was unable to consent when you spoke to me in this way before I am ready now that I know you so much better to trust my happiness to your hands
She spoke with the noble directness which she could command on such occasions and which was like a large steady light thrown across the tortuous darkness of the situation In its inconvenient brightness Rosedale seemed to waver a moment as though conscious that every avenue of escape was unpleasantly illuminated
Then he gave a short laugh and drew out a gold cigarettecase in which with plump jewelled fingers he groped for a goldtipped cigarette Selecting one he paused to contemplate it a moment before saying My dear Miss Lily Im sorry if theres been any little misapprehension between usbut you made me feel my suit was so hopeless that I had really no intention of renewing it
Lilys blood tingled with the grossness of the rebuff but she checked the first leap of her anger and said in a tone of gentle dignity I have no one but myself to blame if I gave you the impression that my decision was final
Her wordplay was always too quick for him and this reply held him in puzzled silence while she extended her hand and added with the faintest inflection of sadness in her voice Before we bid each other goodbye I want at least to thank you for having once thought of me as you did
The touch of her hand the moving softness of her look thrilled a vulnerable fibre in Rosedale It was her exquisite inaccessibleness the sense of distance she could convey without a hint of disdain that made it most difficult for him to give her up
Why do you talk of saying goodbye Aint we going to be good friends all the same he urged without releasing her hand
She drew it away quietly What is your idea of being good friends she returned with a slight smile Making love to me without asking me to marry you Rosedale laughed with a recovered sense of ease
Well thats about the size of it I suppose I cant help making love to you—I dont see how any man could but I dont mean to ask you to marry me as long as I can keep out of it
She continued to smile I like your frankness but I am afraid our friendship can hardly continue on those terms She turned away as though to mark that its final term had in fact been reached and he followed her for a few steps with a baffled sense of her having after all kept the game in her own hands
Miss Lily—— he began impulsively but she walked on without seeming to hear him
He overtook her in a few quick strides and laid an entreating hand on her arm Miss Lily—dont hurry away like that Youre beastly hard on a fellow but if you dont mind speaking the truth I dont see why you shouldnt allow me to do the same
She had paused a moment with raised brows drawing away instinctively from his touch though she made no effort to evade his words
I was under the impression she rejoined that you had done so without waiting for my permission
Well—why shouldnt you hear my reasons for doing it then Were neither of us such new hands that a little plain speaking is going to hurt us Im all broken up on you theres nothing new in that Im more in love with you than I was this time last year but Ive got to face the fact that the situation is changed
She continued to confront him with the same air of ironic composure You mean to say that Im not as desirable a match as you thought me
Yes thats what I do mean he answered resolutely I wont go into whats happened I dont believe the stories about you—I dont WANT to believe them But theyre there and my not believing them aint going to alter the situation
She flushed to her temples but the extremity of her need checked the retort on her lip and she continued to face him composedly If they are not true she said doesnt THAT alter the situation
He met this with a steady gaze of his small stocktaking eyes which made her feel herself no more than some superfine human merchandise I believe it does in novels but Im certain it dont in real life You know that as well as I do if were speaking the truth lets speak the whole truth Last year I was wild to marry you and you wouldnt look at me this year—well you appear to be willing Now what has changed in the interval Your situation thats all Then you thought you could do better now——
You think you can broke from her ironically
Why yes I do in one way that is He stood before her his hands in his pockets his chest sturdily expanded under its vivid waistcoat Its this way you see Ive had a pretty steady grind of it these last years working up my social position Think its funny I should say that Why should I mind saying I want to get into society A man aint ashamed to say he wants to own a racing stable or a picture gallery Well a taste for societys just another kind of hobby Perhaps I want to get even with some of the people who coldshouldered me last year—put it that way if it sounds better Anyhow I want to have the run of the best houses and Im getting it too little by little But I know the quickest way to queer yourself with the right people is to be seen with the wrong ones and thats the reason I want to avoid mistakes
Miss Bart continued to stand before him in a silence that might have expressed either mockery or a halfreluctant respect for his candour and after a moments pause he went on There it is you see Im more in love with you than ever but if I married you now Id queer myself for good and all and everything Ive worked for all these years would be wasted
She received this with a look from which all tinge of resentment had faded After the tissue of social falsehoods in which she had so long moved it was refreshing to step into the open daylight of an avowed expediency
I understand you she said A year ago I should have been of use to you and now I should be an encumbrance and I like you for telling me so quite honestly She extended her hand with a smile
Again the gesture had a disturbing effect upon Mr Rosedales selfcommand By George youre a dead game sport you are he exclaimed and as she began once more to move away he broke out suddenly—Miss Lily—stop You know I dont believe those stories—I believe they were all got up by a woman who didnt hesitate to sacrifice you to her own convenience——
Lily drew away with a movement of quick disdain it was easier to endure his insolence than his commiseration
You are very kind but I dont think we need discuss the matter farther
But Rosedales natural imperviousness to hints made it easy for him to brush such resistance aside I dont want to discuss anything I just want to put a plain case before you he persisted
She paused in spite of herself held by the note of a new purpose in his look and tone and he went on keeping his eyes firmly upon her The wonder to me is that youve waited so long to get square with that woman when youve had the power in your hands She continued silent under the rush of astonishment that his words produced and he moved a step closer to ask with lowtoned directness Why dont you use those letters of hers you bought last year
Lily stood speechless under the shock of the interrogation In the words preceding it she had conjectured at most an allusion to her supposed influence over George Dorset nor did the astonishing indelicacy of the reference diminish the likelihood of Rosedales resorting to it But now she saw how far short of the mark she had fallen and the surprise of learning that he had discovered the secret of the letters left her for the moment unconscious of the special use to which he was in the act of putting his knowledge
Her temporary loss of selfpossession gave him time to press his point and he went on quickly as though to secure completer control of the situation You see I know where you stand—I know how completely shes in your power That sounds like stagetalk dont it—but theres a lot of truth in some of those old gags and I dont suppose you bought those letters simply because youre collecting autographs
She continued to look at him with a deepening bewilderment her only clear impression resolved itself into a scared sense of his power
Youre wondering how I found out about em he went on answering her look with a note of conscious pride Perhaps youve forgotten that Im the owner of the Benedickbut never mind about that now Getting on to things is a mighty useful accomplishment in business and Ive simply extended it to my private affairs For this IS partly my affair you see—at least it depends on you to make it so Lets look the situation straight in the eye Mrs Dorset for reasons we neednt go into did you a beastly bad turn last spring Everybody knows what Mrs Dorset is and her best friends wouldnt believe her on oath where their own interests were concerned but as long as theyre out of the row its much easier to follow her lead than to set themselves against it and youve simply been sacrificed to their laziness and selfishness Isnt that a pretty fair statement of the case—Well some people say youve got the neatest kind of an answer in your hands that George Dorset would marry you tomorrow if youd tell him all you know and give him the chance to show the lady the door I daresay he would but you dont seem to care for that particular form of getting even and taking a purely business view of the question I think youre right In a deal like that nobody comes out with perfectly clean hands and the only way for you to start fresh is to get Bertha Dorset to back you up instead of trying to fight her
He paused long enough to draw breath but not to give her time for the expression of her gathering resistance and as he pressed on expounding and elucidating his idea with the directness of the man who has no doubts of his cause she found the indignation gradually freezing on her lip found herself held fast in the grasp of his argument by the mere cold strength of its presentation There was no time now to wonder how he had heard of her obtaining the letters all her world was dark outside the monstrous glare of his scheme for using them And it was not after the first moment the horror of the idea that held her spellbound subdued to his will it was rather its subtle affinity to her own inmost cravings He would marry her tomorrow if she could regain Bertha Dorsets friendship and to induce the open resumption of that friendship and the tacit retractation of all that had caused its withdrawal she had only to put to the lady the latent menace contained in the packet so miraculously delivered into her hands Lily saw in a flash the advantage of this course over that which poor Dorset had pressed upon her The other plan depended for its success on the infliction of an open injury while this reduced the transaction to a private understanding of which no third person need have the remotest hint Put by Rosedale in terms of businesslike giveandtake this understanding took on the harmless air of a mutual accommodation like a transfer of property or a revision of boundary lines It certainly simplified life to view it as a perpetual adjustment a play of party politics in which every concession had its recognized equivalent Lilys tired mind was fascinated by this escape from fluctuating ethical estimates into a region of concrete weights and measures
Rosedale as she listened seemed to read in her silence not only a gradual acquiescence in his plan but a dangerously farreaching perception of the chances it offered for as she continued to stand before him without speaking he broke out with a quick return upon himself You see how simple it is dont you Well dont be carried away by the idea that its TOO simple It isnt exactly as if youd started in with a clean bill of health Now were talking lets call things by their right names and clear the whole business up You know well enough that Bertha Dorset couldnt have touched you if there hadnt been—well—questions asked before—little points of interrogation eh Bound to happen to a goodlooking girl with stingy relatives I suppose anyhow they DID happen and she found the ground prepared for her Do you see where Im coming out You dont want these little questions cropping up again Its one thing to get Bertha Dorset into line—but what you want is to keep her there You can frighten her fast enough—but how are you going to keep her frightened By showing her that youre as powerful as she is All the letters in the world wont do that for you as you are now but with a big backing behind you youll keep her just where you want her to be Thats MY share in the business—thats what Im offering you You cant put the thing through without me—dont run away with any idea that you can In six months youd be back again among your old worries or worse ones and here I am ready to lift you out of em tomorrow if you say so DO you say so Miss Lily he added moving suddenly nearer
The words and the movement which accompanied them combined to startle Lily out of the state of tranced subservience into which she had insensibly slipped Light comes in devious ways to the groping consciousness and it came to her now through the disgusted perception that her wouldbe accomplice assumed as a matter of course the likelihood of her distrusting him and perhaps trying to cheat him of his share of the spoils This glimpse of his inner mind seemed to present the whole transaction in a new aspect and she saw that the essential baseness of the act lay in its freedom from risk
She drew back with a quick gesture of rejection saying in a voice that was a surprise to her own ears You are mistaken—quite mistaken—both in the facts and in what you infer from them
Rosedale stared a moment puzzled by her sudden dash in a direction so different from that toward which she had appeared to be letting him guide her
Now what on earth does that mean I thought we understood each other he exclaimed and to her murmur of Ah we do NOW he retorted with a sudden burst of violence I suppose its because the letters are to HIM then Well Ill be damned if I see what thanks youve got from him
Chapter 8
The autumn days declined to winter Once more the leisure world was in transition between country and town and Fifth Avenue still deserted at the weekend showed from Monday to Friday a broadening stream of carriages between housefronts gradually restored to consciousness
The Horse Show some two weeks earlier had produced a passing semblance of reanimation filling the theatres and restaurants with a human display of the same costly and highstepping kind as circled daily about its ring In Miss Barts world the Horse Show and the public it attracted had ostensibly come to be classed among the spectacles disdained of the elect but as the feudal lord might sally forth to join in the dance on his village green so society unofficially and incidentally still condescended to look in upon the scene Mrs Gormer among the rest was not above seizing such an occasion for the display of herself and her horses and Lily was given one or two opportunities of appearing at her friends side in the most conspicuous box the house afforded But this lingering semblance of intimacy made her only the more conscious of a change in the relation between Mattie and herself of a dawning discrimination a gradually formed social standard emerging from Mrs Gormers chaotic view of life It was inevitable that Lily herself should constitute the first sacrifice to this new ideal and she knew that once the Gormers were established in town the whole drift of fashionable life would facilitate Matties detachment from her She had in short failed to make herself indispensable or rather her attempt to do so had been thwarted by an influence stronger than any she could exert That influence in its last analysis was simply the power of money Bertha Dorsets social credit was based on an impregnable bankaccount
Lily knew that Rosedale had overstated neither the difficulty of her own position nor the completeness of the vindication he offered once Berthas match in material resources her superior gifts would make it easy for her to dominate her adversary An understanding of what such domination would mean and of the disadvantages accruing from her rejection of it was brought home to Lily with increasing clearness during the early weeks of the winter Hitherto she had kept up a semblance of movement outside the main flow of the social current but with the return to town and the concentrating of scattered activities the mere fact of not slipping back naturally into her old habits of life marked her as being unmistakably excluded from them If one were not a part of the seasons fixed routine one swung unsphered in a void of social nonexistence Lily for all her dissatisfied dreaming had never really conceived the possibility of revolving about a different centre it was easy enough to despise the world but decidedly difficult to find any other habitable region Her sense of irony never quite deserted her and she could still note with selfdirected derision the abnormal value suddenly acquired by the most tiresome and insignificant details of her former life Its very drudgeries had a charm now that she was involuntarily released from them cardleaving notewriting enforced civilities to the dull and elderly and the smiling endurance of tedious dinners—how pleasantly such obligations would have filled the emptiness of her days She did indeed leave cards in plenty she kept herself with a smiling and valiant persistence well in the eye of her world nor did she suffer any of those gross rebuffs which sometimes produce a wholesome reaction of contempt in their victim Society did not turn away from her it simply drifted by preoccupied and inattentive letting her feel to the full measure of her humbled pride how completely she had been the creature of its favour
She had rejected Rosedales suggestion with a promptness of scorn almost surprising to herself she had not lost her capacity for high flashes of indignation But she could not breathe long on the heights there had been nothing in her training to develop any continuity of moral strength what she craved and really felt herself entitled to was a situation in which the noblest attitude should also be the easiest Hitherto her intermittent impulses of resistance had sufficed to maintain her selfrespect If she slipped she recovered her footing and it was only afterward that she was aware of having recovered it each time on a slightly lower level She had rejected Rosedales offer without conscious effort her whole being had risen against it and she did not yet perceive that by the mere act of listening to him she had learned to live with ideas which would once have been intolerable to her
To Gerty Farish keeping watch over her with a tenderer if less discerning eye than Mrs Fishers the results of the struggle were already distinctly visible She did not indeed know what hostages Lily had already given to expediency but she saw her passionately and irretrievably pledged to the ruinous policy of keeping up Gerty could smile now at her own early dream of her friends renovation through adversity she understood clearly enough that Lily was not of those to whom privation teaches the unimportance of what they have lost But this very fact to Gerty made her friend the more piteously in want of aid the more exposed to the claims of a tenderness she was so little conscious of needing
Lily since her return to town had not often climbed Miss Farishs stairs There was something irritating to her in the mute interrogation of Gertys sympathy she felt the real difficulties of her situation to be incommunicable to any one whose theory of values was so different from her own and the restrictions of Gertys life which had once had the charm of contrast now reminded her too painfully of the limits to which her own existence was shrinking When at length one afternoon she put into execution the belated resolve to visit her friend this sense of shrunken opportunities possessed her with unusual intensity The walk up Fifth Avenue unfolding before her in the brilliance of the hard winter sunlight an interminable procession of fastidiouslyequipped carriages—giving her through the little squares of broughamwindows peeps of familiar profiles bent above visitinglists of hurried hands dispensing notes and cards to attendant footmen—this glimpse of the everrevolving wheels of the great social machine made Lily more than ever conscious of the steepness and narrowness of Gertys stairs and of the cramped blind alley of life to which they led Dull stairs destined to be mounted by dull people how many thousands of insignificant figures were going up and down such stairs all over the world at that very moment—figures as shabby and uninteresting as that of the middleaged lady in limp black who descended Gertys flight as Lily climbed to it
That was poor Miss Jane Silverton—she came to talk things over with me she and her sister want to do something to support themselves Gerty explained as Lily followed her into the sittingroom
To support themselves Are they so hard up Miss Bart asked with a touch of irritation she had not come to listen to the woes of other people
Im afraid they have nothing left Neds debts have swallowed up everything They had such hopes you know when he broke away from Carry Fisher they thought Bertha Dorset would be such a good influence because she doesnt care for cards and—well she talked quite beautifully to poor Miss Jane about feeling as if Ned were her younger brother and wanting to carry him off on the yacht so that he might have a chance to drop cards and racing and take up his literary work again
Miss Farish paused with a sigh which reflected the perplexity of her departing visitor But that isnt all it isnt even the worst It seems that Ned has quarrelled with the Dorsets or at least Bertha wont allow him to see her and he is so unhappy about it that he has taken to gambling again and going about with all sorts of queer people And cousin Grace Van Osburgh accuses him of having had a very bad influence on Freddy who left Harvard last spring and has been a great deal with Ned ever since She sent for Miss Jane and made a dreadful scene and Jack Stepney and Herbert Melson who were there too told Miss Jane that Freddy was threatening to marry some dreadful woman to whom Ned had introduced him and that they could do nothing with him because now hes of age he has his own money You can fancy how poor Miss Jane felt—she came to me at once and seemed to think that if I could get her something to do she could earn enough to pay Neds debts and send him away—Im afraid she has no idea how long it would take her to pay for one of his evenings at bridge And he was horribly in debt when he came back from the cruise—I cant see why he should have spent so much more money under Berthas influence than Carrys can you
Lily met this query with an impatient gesture My dear Gerty I always understand how people can spend much more money—never how they can spend any less
She loosened her furs and settled herself in Gertys easychair while her friend busied herself with the teacups
But what can they do—the Miss Silvertons How do they mean to support themselves she asked conscious that the note of irritation still persisted in her voice It was the very last topic she had meant to discuss—it really did not interest her in the least—but she was seized by a sudden perverse curiosity to know how the two colourless shrinking victims of young Silvertons sentimental experiments meant to cope with the grim necessity which lurked so close to her own threshold
I dont know—I am trying to find something for them Miss Jane reads aloud very nicely—but its so hard to find any one who is willing to be read to And Miss Annie paints a little——
Oh I know—appleblossoms on blottingpaper just the kind of thing I shall be doing myself before long exclaimed Lily starting up with a vehemence of movement that threatened destruction to Miss Farishs fragile teatable
Lily bent over to steady the cups then she sank back into her seat Id forgotten there was no room to dash about in—how beautifully one does have to behave in a small flat Oh Gerty I wasnt meant to be good she sighed out incoherently
Gerty lifted an apprehensive look to her pale face in which the eyes shone with a peculiar sleepless lustre
You look horribly tired Lily take your tea and let me give you this cushion to lean against
Miss Bart accepted the cup of tea but put back the cushion with an impatient hand
Dont give me that I dont want to lean back—I shall go to sleep if I do
Well why not dear Ill be as quiet as a mouse Gerty urged affectionately
No—no dont be quiet talk to me—keep me awake I dont sleep at night and in the afternoon a dreadful drowsiness creeps over me
You dont sleep at night Since when
I dont know—I cant remember She rose and put the empty cup on the teatray Another and stronger please if I dont keep awake now I shall see horrors tonight—perfect horrors
But theyll be worse if you drink too much tea
No no—give it to me and dont preach please Lily returned imperiously Her voice had a dangerous edge and Gerty noticed that her hand shook as she held it out to receive the second cup
But you look so tired Im sure you must be ill——
Miss Bart set down her cup with a start Do I look ill Does my face show it She rose and walked quickly toward the little mirror above the writingtable What a horrid lookingglass—its all blotched and discoloured Any one would look ghastly in it She turned back fixing her plaintive eyes on Gerty You stupid dear why do you say such odious things to me Its enough to make one ill to be told one looks so And looking ill means looking ugly She caught Gertys wrists and drew her close to the window After all Id rather know the truth Look me straight in the face Gerty and tell me am I perfectly frightful
Youre perfectly beautiful now Lily your eyes are shining and your cheeks have grown so pink all of a sudden——
Ah they WERE pale then—ghastly pale when I came in Why dont you tell me frankly that Im a wreck My eyes are bright now because Im so nervous—but in the mornings they look like lead And I can see the lines coming in my face—the lines of worry and disappointment and failure Every sleepless night leaves a new one—and how can I sleep when I have such dreadful things to think about
Dreadful things—what things asked Gerty gently detaching her wrists from her friends feverish fingers
What things Well poverty for one—and I dont know any thats more dreadful Lily turned away and sank with sudden weariness into the easychair near the teatable You asked me just now if I could understand why Ned Silverton spent so much money Of course I understand—he spends it on living with the rich You think we live ON the rich rather than with them and so we do in a sense—but its a privilege we have to pay for We eat their dinners and drink their wine and smoke their cigarettes and use their carriages and their operaboxes and their private cars—yes but theres a tax to pay on every one of those luxuries The man pays it by big tips to the servants by playing cards beyond his means by flowers and presents—and—and—lots of other things that cost the girl pays it by tips and cards too—oh yes Ive had to take up bridge again—and by going to the best dressmakers and having just the right dress for every occasion and always keeping herself fresh and exquisite and amusing
She leaned back for a moment closing her eyes and as she sat there her pale lips slightly parted and the lids dropped above her fagged brilliant gaze Gerty had a startled perception of the change in her face—of the way in which an ashen daylight seemed suddenly to extinguish its artificial brightness She looked up and the vision vanished
It doesnt sound very amusing does it And it isnt—Im sick to death of it And yet the thought of giving it all up nearly kills me—its what keeps me awake at night and makes me so crazy for your strong tea For I cant go on in this way much longer you know—Im nearly at the end of my tether And then what can I do—how on earth am I to keep myself alive I see myself reduced to the fate of that poor Silverton woman—slinking about to employment agencies and trying to sell painted blottingpads to Womens Exchanges And there are thousands and thousands of women trying to do the same thing already and not one of the number who has less idea how to earn a dollar than I have
She rose again with a hurried glance at the clock Its late and I must be off—I have an appointment with Carry Fisher Dont look so worried you dear thing—dont think too much about the nonsense Ive been talking She was before the mirror again adjusting her hair with a light hand drawing down her veil and giving a dexterous touch to her furs Of course you know it hasnt come to the employment agencies and the painted blottingpads yet but Im rather hardup just for the moment and if I could find something to do—notes to write and visitinglists to make up or that kind of thing—it would tide me over till the legacy is paid And Carry has promised to find somebody who wants a kind of social secretary—you know she makes a specialty of the helpless rich
Miss Bart had not revealed to Gerty the full extent of her anxiety She was in fact in urgent and immediate need of money money to meet the vulgar weekly claims which could neither be deferred nor evaded To give up her apartment and shrink to the obscurity of a boardinghouse or the provisional hospitality of a bed in Gerty Farishs sittingroom was an expedient which could only postpone the problem confronting her and it seemed wiser as well as more agreeable to remain where she was and find some means of earning her living The possibility of having to do this was one which she had never before seriously considered and the discovery that as a breadwinner she was likely to prove as helpless and ineffectual as poor Miss Silverton was a severe shock to her selfconfidence
Having been accustomed to take herself at the popular valuation as a person of energy and resource naturally fitted to dominate any situation in which she found herself she vaguely imagined that such gifts would be of value to seekers after social guidance but there was unfortunately no specific head under which the art of saying and doing the right thing could be offered in the market and even Mrs Fishers resourcefulness failed before the difficulty of discovering a workable vein in the vague wealth of Lilys graces Mrs Fisher was full of indirect expedients for enabling her friends to earn a living and could conscientiously assert that she had put several opportunities of this kind before Lily but more legitimate methods of breadwinning were as much out of her line as they were beyond the capacity of the sufferers she was generally called upon to assist Lilys failure to profit by the chances already afforded her might moreover have justified the abandonment of farther effort on her behalf but Mrs Fishers inexhaustible goodnature made her an adept at creating artificial demands in response to an actual supply In the pursuance of this end she at once started on a voyage of discovery in Miss Barts behalf and as the result of her explorations she now summoned the latter with the announcement that she had found something
Left to herself Gerty mused distressfully upon her friends plight and her own inability to relieve it It was clear to her that Lily for the present had no wish for the kind of help she could give Miss Farish could see no hope for her friend but in a life completely reorganized and detached from its old associations whereas all Lilys energies were centred in the determined effort to hold fast to those associations to keep herself visibly identified with them as long as the illusion could be maintained Pitiable as such an attitude seemed to Gerty she could not judge it as harshly as Selden for instance might have done She had not forgotten the night of emotion when she and Lily had lain in each others arms and she had seemed to feel her very hearts blood passing into her friend The sacrifice she had made had seemed unavailing enough no trace remained in Lily of the subduing influences of that hour but Gertys tenderness disciplined by long years of contact with obscure and inarticulate suffering could wait on its object with a silent forbearance which took no account of time She could not however deny herself the solace of taking anxious counsel with Lawrence Selden with whom since his return from Europe she had renewed her old relation of cousinly confidence
Selden himself had never been aware of any change in their relation He found Gerty as he had left her simple undemanding and devoted but with a quickened intelligence of the heart which he recognized without seeking to explain it To Gerty herself it would once have seemed impossible that she should ever again talk freely with him of Lily Bart but what had passed in the secrecy of her own breast seemed to resolve itself when the mist of the struggle cleared into a breaking down of the bounds of self a deflecting of the wasted personal emotion into the general current of human understanding
It was not till some two weeks after her visit from Lily that Gerty had the opportunity of communicating her fears to Selden The latter having presented himself on a Sunday afternoon had lingered on through the dowdy animation of his cousins teahour conscious of something in her voice and eye which solicited a word apart and as soon as the last visitor was gone Gerty opened her case by asking how lately he had seen Miss Bart
Seldens perceptible pause gave her time for a slight stir of surprise
I havent seen her at all—Ive perpetually missed seeing her since she came back
This unexpected admission made Gerty pause too and she was still hesitating on the brink of her subject when he relieved her by adding Ive wanted to see her—but she seems to have been absorbed by the Gormer set since her return from Europe
Thats all the more reason shes been very unhappy
Unhappy at being with the Gormers
Oh I dont defend her intimacy with the Gormers but that too is at an end now I think You know people have been very unkind since Bertha Dorset quarrelled with her
Ah—— Selden exclaimed rising abruptly to walk to the window where he remained with his eyes on the darkening street while his cousin continued to explain Judy Trenor and her own family have deserted her too—and all because Bertha Dorset has said such horrible things And she is very poor—you know Mrs Peniston cut her off with a small legacy after giving her to understand that she was to have everything
Yes—I know Selden assented curtly turning back into the room but only to stir about with restless steps in the circumscribed space between door and window Yes—shes been abominably treated but its unfortunately the precise thing that a man who wants to show his sympathy cant say to her
His words caused Gerty a slight chill of disappointment There would be other ways of showing your sympathy she suggested
Selden with a slight laugh sat down beside her on the little sofa which projected from the hearth What are you thinking of you incorrigible missionary he asked
Gertys colour rose and her blush was for a moment her only answer Then she made it more explicit by saying I am thinking of the fact that you and she used to be great friends—that she used to care immensely for what you thought of her—and that if she takes your staying away as a sign of what you think now I can imagine its adding a great deal to her unhappiness
My dear child dont add to it still more—at least to your conception of it—by attributing to her all sorts of susceptibilities of your own Selden for his life could not keep a note of dryness out of his voice but he met Gertys look of perplexity by saying more mildly But though you immensely exaggerate the importance of anything I could do for Miss Bart you cant exaggerate my readiness to do it—if you ask me to He laid his hand for a moment on hers and there passed between them on the current of the rare contact one of those exchanges of meaning which fill the hidden reservoirs of affection Gerty had the feeling that he measured the cost of her request as plainly as she read the significance of his reply and the sense of all that was suddenly clear between them made her next words easier to find
I do ask you then I ask you because she once told me that you had been a help to her and because she needs help now as she has never needed it before You know how dependent she has always been on ease and luxury—how she has hated what was shabby and ugly and uncomfortable She cant help it—she was brought up with those ideas and has never been able to find her way out of them But now all the things she cared for have been taken from her and the people who taught her to care for them have abandoned her too and it seems to me that if some one could reach out a hand and show her the other side—show her how much is left in life and in herself—— Gerty broke off abashed at the sound of her own eloquence and impeded by the difficulty of giving precise expression to her vague yearning for her friends retrieval I cant help her myself shes passed out of my reach she continued I think shes afraid of being a burden to me When she was last here two weeks ago she seemed dreadfully worried about her future she said Carry Fisher was trying to find something for her to do A few days later she wrote me that she had taken a position as private secretary and that I was not to be anxious for everything was all right and she would come in and tell me about it when she had time but she has never come and I dont like to go to her because I am afraid of forcing myself on her when Im not wanted Once when we were children and I had rushed up after a long separation and thrown my arms about her she said Please dont kiss me unless I ask you to Gerty—and she DID ask me a minute later but since then Ive always waited to be asked
Selden had listened in silence with the concentrated look which his thin dark face could assume when he wished to guard it against any involuntary change of expression When his cousin ended he said with a slight smile Since youve learned the wisdom of waiting I dont see why you urge me to rush in— but the troubled appeal of her eyes made him add as he rose to take leave Still Ill do what you wish and not hold you responsible for my failure
Seldens avoidance of Miss Bart had not been as unintentional as he had allowed his cousin to think At first indeed while the memory of their last hour at Monte Carlo still held the full heat of his indignation he had anxiously watched for her return but she had disappointed him by lingering in England and when she finally reappeared it happened that business had called him to the West whence he came back only to learn that she was starting for Alaska with the Gormers The revelation of this suddenlyestablished intimacy effectually chilled his desire to see her If at a moment when her whole life seemed to be breaking up she could cheerfully commit its reconstruction to the Gormers there was no reason why such accidents should ever strike her as irreparable Every step she took seemed in fact to carry her farther from the region where once or twice he and she had met for an illumined moment and the recognition of this fact when its first pang had been surmounted produced in him a sense of negative relief It was much simpler for him to judge Miss Bart by her habitual conduct than by the rare deviations from it which had thrown her so disturbingly in his way and every act of hers which made the recurrence of such deviations more unlikely confirmed the sense of relief with which he returned to the conventional view of her
But Gerty Farishs words had sufficed to make him see how little this view was really his and how impossible it was for him to live quietly with the thought of Lily Bart To hear that she was in need of help—even such vague help as he could offer—was to be at once repossessed by that thought and by the time he reached the street he had sufficiently convinced himself of the urgency of his cousins appeal to turn his steps directly toward Lilys hotel
There his zeal met a check in the unforeseen news that Miss Bart had moved away but on his pressing his enquiries the clerk remembered that she had left an address for which he presently began to search through his books
It was certainly strange that she should have taken this step without letting Gerty Farish know of her decision and Selden waited with a vague sense of uneasiness while the address was sought for The process lasted long enough for uneasiness to turn to apprehension but when at length a slip of paper was handed him and he read on it Care of Mrs Norma Hatch Emporium Hotel his apprehension passed into an incredulous stare and this into the gesture of disgust with which he tore the paper in two and turned to walk quickly homeward
Chapter 9
When Lily woke on the morning after her translation to the Emporium Hotel her first feeling was one of purely physical satisfaction The force of contrast gave an added keenness to the luxury of lying once more in a softpillowed bed and looking across a spacious sunlit room at a breakfasttable set invitingly near the fire Analysis and introspection might come later but for the moment she was not even troubled by the excesses of the upholstery or the restless convolutions of the furniture The sense of being once more lapped and folded in ease as in some dense mild medium impenetrable to discomfort effectually stilled the faintest note of criticism
When the afternoon before she had presented herself to the lady to whom Carry Fisher had directed her she had been conscious of entering a new world Carrys vague presentment of Mrs Norma Hatch whose reversion to her Christian name was explained as the result of her latest divorce left her under the implication of coming from the West with the not unusual extenuation of having brought a great deal of money with her She was in short rich helpless unplaced the very subject for Lilys hand Mrs Fisher had not specified the line her friend was to take she owned herself unacquainted with Mrs Hatch whom she knew about through Melville Stancy a lawyer in his leisure moments and the Falstaff of a certain section of festive dub life Socially Mr Stancy might have been said to form a connecting link between the Gormer world and the more dimlylit region on which Miss Bart now found herself entering It was however only figuratively that the illumination of Mrs Hatchs world could be described as dim in actual fact Lily found her seated in a blaze of electric light impartially projected from various ornamental excrescences on a vast concavity of pink damask and gilding from which she rose like Venus from her shell The analogy was justified by the appearance of the lady whose largeeyed prettiness had the fixity of something impaled and shown under glass This did not preclude the immediate discovery that she was some years younger than her visitor and that under her showiness her ease the aggression of her dress and voice there persisted that ineradicable innocence which in ladies of her nationality so curiously coexists with startling extremes of experience
The environment in which Lily found herself was as strange to her as its inhabitants She was unacquainted with the world of the fashionable New York hotel—a world overheated overupholstered and overfitted with mechanical appliances for the gratification of fantastic requirements while the comforts of a civilized life were as unattainable as in a desert Through this atmosphere of torrid splendour moved wan beings as richly upholstered as the furniture beings without definite pursuits or permanent relations who drifted on a languid tide of curiosity from restaurant to concerthall from palmgarden to musicroom from art exhibit to dressmakers opening Highstepping horses or elaborately equipped motors waited to carry these ladies into vague metropolitan distances whence they returned still more wan from the weight of their sables to be sucked back into the stifling inertia of the hotel routine Somewhere behind them in the background of their lives there was doubtless a real past peopled by real human activities they themselves were probably the product of strong ambitions persistent energies diversified contacts with the wholesome roughness of life yet they had no more real existence than the poets shades in limbo
Lily had not been long in this pallid world without discovering that Mrs Hatch was its most substantial figure That lady though still floating in the void showed faint symptoms of developing an outline and in this endeavour she was actively seconded by Mr Melville Stancy It was Mr Stancy a man of large resounding presence suggestive of convivial occasions and of a chivalry finding expression in firstnight boxes and thousand dollar bonbonnieres who had transplanted Mrs Hatch from the scene of her first development to the higher stage of hotel life in the metropolis It was he who had selected the horses with which she had taken the blue ribbon at the Show had introduced her to the photographer whose portraits of her formed the recurring ornament of Sunday Supplements and had got together the group which constituted her social world It was a small group still with heterogeneous figures suspended in large unpeopled spaces but Lily did not take long to learn that its regulation was no longer in Mr Stancys hands As often happens the pupil had outstripped the teacher and Mrs Hatch was already aware of heights of elegance as well as depths of luxury beyond the world of the Emporium This discovery at once produced in her a craving for higher guidance for the adroit feminine hand which should give the right turn to her correspondence the right look to her hats the right succession to the items of her MENUS It was in short as the regulator of a germinating social life that Miss Barts guidance was required her ostensible duties as secretary being restricted by the fact that Mrs Hatch as yet knew hardly any one to write to
The daily details of Mrs Hatchs existence were as strange to Lily as its general tenor The ladys habits were marked by an Oriental indolence and disorder peculiarly trying to her companion Mrs Hatch and her friends seemed to float together outside the bounds of time and space No definite hours were kept no fixed obligations existed night and day flowed into one another in a blur of confused and retarded engagements so that one had the impression of lunching at the teahour while dinner was often merged in the noisy aftertheatre supper which prolonged Mrs Hatchs vigil till daylight
Through this jumble of futile activities came and went a strange throng of hangerson—manicures beautydoctors hairdressers teachers of bridge of French of physical development figures sometimes indistinguishable by their appearance or by Mrs Hatchs relation to them from the visitors constituting her recognized society But strangest of all to Lily was the encounter in this latter group of several of her acquaintances She had supposed and not without relief that she was passing for the moment completely out of her own circle but she found that Mr Stancy one side of whose sprawling existence overlapped the edge of Mrs Fishers world had drawn several of its brightest ornaments into the circle of the Emporium To find Ned Silverton among the habitual frequenters of Mrs Hatchs drawingroom was one of Lilys first astonishments but she soon discovered that he was not Mr Stancys most important recruit It was on little Freddy Van Osburgh the small slim heir of the Van Osburgh millions that the attention of Mrs Hatchs group was centred Freddy barely out of college had risen above the horizon since Lilys eclipse and she now saw with surprise what an effulgence he shed on the outer twilight of Mrs Hatchs existence This then was one of the things that young men went in for when released from the official social routine this was the kind of previous engagement that so frequently caused them to disappoint the hopes of anxious hostesses Lily had an odd sense of being behind the social tapestry on the side where the threads were knotted and the loose ends hung For a moment she found a certain amusement in the show and in her own share of it the situation had an ease and unconventionality distinctly refreshing after her experience of the irony of conventions But these flashes of amusement were but brief reactions from the long disgust of her days Compared with the vast gilded void of Mrs Hatchs existence the life of Lilys former friends seemed packed with ordered activities Even the most irresponsible pretty woman of her acquaintance had her inherited obligations her conventional benevolences her share in the working of the great civic machine and all hung together in the solidarity of these traditional functions The performance of specific duties would have simplified Miss Barts position but the vague attendance on Mrs Hatch was not without its perplexities
It was not her employer who created these perplexities Mrs Hatch showed from the first an almost touching desire for Lilys approval Far from asserting the superiority of wealth her beautiful eyes seemed to urge the plea of inexperience she wanted to do what was nice to be taught how to be lovely The difficulty was to find any point of contact between her ideals and Lilys
Mrs Hatch swam in a haze of indeterminate enthusiasms of aspirations culled from the stage the newspapers the fashion journals and a gaudy world of sport still more completely beyond her companions ken To separate from these confused conceptions those most likely to advance the lady on her way was Lilys obvious duty but its performance was hampered by rapidlygrowing doubts Lily was in fact becoming more and more aware of a certain ambiguity in her situation It was not that she had in the conventional sense any doubt of Mrs Hatchs irreproachableness The ladys offences were always against taste rather than conduct her divorce record seemed due to geographical rather than ethical conditions and her worst laxities were likely to proceed from a wandering and extravagant goodnature But if Lily did not mind her detaining her manicure for luncheon or offering the BeautyDoctor a seat in Freddy Van Osburghs box at the play she was not equally at ease in regard to some less apparent lapses from convention Ned Silvertons relation to Stancy seemed for instance closer and less clear than any natural affinities would warrant and both appeared united in the effort to cultivate Freddy Van Osburghs growing taste for Mrs Hatch There was as yet nothing definable in the situation which might well resolve itself into a huge joke on the part of the other two but Lily had a vague sense that the subject of their experiment was too young too rich and too credulous Her embarrassment was increased by the fact that Freddy seemed to regard her as cooperating with himself in the social development of Mrs Hatch a view that suggested on his part a permanent interest in the ladys future There were moments when Lily found an ironic amusement in this aspect of the case The thought of launching such a missile as Mrs Hatch at the perfidious bosom of society was not without its charm Miss Bart had even beguiled her leisure with visions of the fair Norma introduced for the first time to a family banquet at the Van Osburghs But the thought of being personally connected with the transaction was less agreeable and her momentary flashes of amusement were followed by increasing periods of doubt
The sense of these doubts was uppermost when late one afternoon she was surprised by a visit from Lawrence Selden He found her alone in the wilderness of pink damask for in Mrs Hatchs world the teahour was not dedicated to social rites and the lady was in the hands of her masseuse
Seldens entrance had caused Lily an inward start of embarrassment but his air of constraint had the effect of restoring her selfpossession and she took at once the tone of surprise and pleasure wondering frankly that he should have traced her to so unlikely a place and asking what had inspired him to make the search
Selden met this with an unusual seriousness she had never seen him so little master of the situation so plainly at the mercy of any obstructions she might put in his way I wanted to see you he said and she could not resist observing in reply that he had kept his wishes under remarkable control She had in truth felt his long absence as one of the chief bitternesses of the last months his desertion had wounded sensibilities far below the surface of her pride
Selden met the challenge with directness Why should I have come unless I thought I could be of use to you It is my only excuse for imagining you could want me
This struck her as a clumsy evasion and the thought gave a flash of keenness to her answer Then you have come now because you think you can be of use to me
He hesitated again Yes in the modest capacity of a person to talk things over with
For a clever man it was certainly a stupid beginning and the idea that his awkwardness was due to the fear of her attaching a personal significance to his visit chilled her pleasure in seeing him Even under the most adverse conditions that pleasure always made itself felt she might hate him but she had never been able to wish him out of the room She was very near hating him now yet the sound of his voice the way the light fell on his thin dark hair the way he sat and moved and wore his clothes—she was conscious that even these trivial things were inwoven with her deepest life In his presence a sudden stillness came upon her and the turmoil of her spirit ceased but an impulse of resistance to this stealing influence now prompted her to say Its very good of you to present yourself in that capacity but what makes you think I have anything particular to talk about
Though she kept the even tone of light intercourse the question was framed in a way to remind him that his good offices were unsought and for a moment Selden was checked by it The situation between them was one which could have been cleared up only by a sudden explosion of feeling and their whole training and habit of mind were against the chances of such an explosion Seldens calmness seemed rather to harden into resistance and Miss Barts into a surface of glittering irony as they faced each other from the opposite corners of one of Mrs Hatchs elephantine sofas The sofa in question and the apartment peopled by its monstrous mates served at length to suggest the turn of Seldens reply
Gerty told me that you were acting as Mrs Hatchs secretary and I knew she was anxious to hear how you were getting on
Miss Bart received this explanation without perceptible softening Why didnt she look me up herself then she asked
Because as you didnt send her your address she was afraid of being importunate Selden continued with a smile You see no such scruples restrained me but then I havent as much to risk if I incur your displeasure
Lily answered his smile You havent incurred it as yet but I have an idea that you are going to
That rests with you doesnt it You see my initiative doesnt go beyond putting myself at your disposal
But in what capacity What am I to do with you she asked in the same light tone
Selden again glanced about Mrs Hatchs drawingroom then he said with a decision which he seemed to have gathered from this final inspection You are to let me take you away from here
Lily flushed at the suddenness of the attack then she stiffened under it and said coldly And may I ask where you mean me to go
Back to Gerty in the first place if you will the essential thing is that it should be away from here
The unusual harshness of his tone might have shown her how much the words cost him but she was in no state to measure his feelings while her own were in a flame of revolt To neglect her perhaps even to avoid her at a time when she had most need of her friends and then suddenly and unwarrantably to break into her life with this strange assumption of authority was to rouse in her every instinct of pride and selfdefence
I am very much obliged to you she said for taking such an interest in my plans but I am quite contented where I am and have no intention of leaving
Selden had risen and was standing before her in an attitude of uncontrollable expectancy
That simply means that you dont know where you are he exclaimed
Lily rose also with a quick flash of anger If you have come here to say disagreeable things about Mrs Hatch——
It is only with your relation to Mrs Hatch that I am concerned
My relation to Mrs Hatch is one I have no reason to be ashamed of She has helped me to earn a living when my old friends were quite resigned to seeing me starve
Nonsense Starvation is not the only alternative You know you can always find a home with Gerty till you are independent again
You show such an intimate acquaintance with my affairs that I suppose you mean—till my aunts legacy is paid
I do mean that Gerty told me of it Selden acknowledged without embarrassment He was too much in earnest now to feel any false constraint in speaking his mind
But Gerty does not happen to know Miss Bart rejoined that I owe every penny of that legacy
Good God Selden exclaimed startled out of his composure by the abruptness of the statement
Every penny of it and more too Lily repeated and you now perhaps see why I prefer to remain with Mrs Hatch rather than take advantage of Gertys kindness I have no money left except my small income and I must earn something more to keep myself alive
Selden hesitated a moment then he rejoined in a quieter tone But with your income and Gertys—since you allow me to go so far into the details of the situation—you and she could surely contrive a life together which would put you beyond the need of having to support yourself Gerty I know is eager to make such an arrangement and would be quite happy in it——
But I should not Miss Bart interposed There are many reasons why it would be neither kind to Gerty nor wise for myself She paused a moment and as he seemed to await a farther explanation added with a quick lift of her head You will perhaps excuse me from giving you these reasons
I have no claim to know them Selden answered ignoring her tone no claim to offer any comment or suggestion beyond the one I have already made And my right to make that is simply the universal right of a man to enlighten a woman when he sees her unconsciously placed in a false position
Lily smiled I suppose she rejoined that by a false position you mean one outside of what we call society but you must remember that I had been excluded from those sacred precincts long before I met Mrs Hatch As far as I can see there is very little real difference in being inside or out and I remember your once telling me that it was only those inside who took the difference seriously
She had not been without intention in making this allusion to their memorable talk at Bellomont and she waited with an odd tremor of the nerves to see what response it would bring but the result of the experiment was disappointing Selden did not allow the allusion to deflect him from his point he merely said with completer fulness of emphasis The question of being inside or out is as you say a small one and it happens to have nothing to do with the case except in so far as Mrs Hatchs desire to be inside may put you in the position I call false
In spite of the moderation of his tone each word he spoke had the effect of confirming Lilys resistance The very apprehensions he aroused hardened her against him she had been on the alert for the note of personal sympathy for any sign of recovered power over him and his attitude of sober impartiality the absence of all response to her appeal turned her hurt pride to blind resentment of his interference The conviction that he had been sent by Gerty and that whatever straits he conceived her to be in he would never voluntarily have come to her aid strengthened her resolve not to admit him a hairs breadth farther into her confidence However doubtful she might feel her situation to be she would rather persist in darkness than owe her enlightenment to Selden
I dont know she said when he had ceased to speak why you imagine me to be situated as you describe but as you have always told me that the sole object of a bringingup like mine was to teach a girl to get what she wants why not assume that that is precisely what I am doing
The smile with which she summed up her case was like a clear barrier raised against farther confidences its brightness held him at such a distance that he had a sense of being almost out of hearing as he rejoined I am not sure that I have ever called you a successful example of that kind of bringingup
Her colour rose a little at the implication but she steeled herself with a light laugh Ah wait a little longer—give me a little more time before you decide And as he wavered before her still watching for a break in the impenetrable front she presented Dont give me up I may still do credit to my training she affirmed
Chapter 10
Look at those spangles Miss Bart—every one of em sewed on crooked
The tall forewoman a pinched perpendicular figure dropped the condemned structure of wire and net on the table at Lilys side and passed on to the next figure in the line
There were twenty of them in the workroom their fagged profiles under exaggerated hair bowed in the harsh north light above the utensils of their art for it was something more than an industry surely this creation of evervaried settings for the face of fortunate womanhood Their own faces were sallow with the unwholesomeness of hot air and sedentary toil rather than with any actual signs of want they were employed in a fashionable millinery establishment and were fairly well clothed and well paid but the youngest among them was as dull and colourless as the middleaged In the whole workroom there was only one skin beneath which the blood still visibly played and that now burned with vexation as Miss Bart under the lash of the forewomans comment began to strip the hatframe of its overlapping spangles
To Gerty Farishs hopeful spirit a solution appeared to have been reached when she remembered how beautifully Lily could trim hats Instances of young ladymilliners establishing themselves under fashionable patronage and imparting to their creations that indefinable touch which the professional hand can never give had flattered Gertys visions of the future and convinced even Lily that her separation from Mrs Norma Hatch need not reduce her to dependence on her friends
The parting had occurred a few weeks after Seldens visit and would have taken place sooner had it not been for the resistance set up in Lily by his illstarred offer of advice The sense of being involved in a transaction she would not have cared to examine too closely had soon afterward defined itself in the light of a hint from Mr Stancy that if she saw them through she would have no reason to be sorry The implication that such loyalty would meet with a direct reward had hastened her flight and flung her back ashamed and penitent on the broad bosom of Gertys sympathy She did not however propose to lie there prone and Gertys inspiration about the hats at once revived her hopes of profitable activity Here was after all something that her charming listless hands could really do she had no doubt of their capacity for knotting a ribbon or placing a flower to advantage And of course only these finishing touches would be expected of her subordinate fingers blunt grey needlepricked fingers would prepare the shapes and stitch the linings while she presided over the charming little front shop—a shop all white panels mirrors and mossgreen hangings—where her finished creations hats wreaths aigrettes and the rest perched on their stands like birds just poising for flight
But at the very outset of Gertys campaign this vision of the greenandwhite shop had been dispelled Other young ladies of fashion had been thus setup selling their hats by the mere attraction of a name and the reputed knack of tying a bow but these privileged beings could command a faith in their powers materially expressed by the readiness to pay their shoprent and advance a handsome sum for current expenses Where was Lily to find such support And even could it have been found how were the ladies on whose approval she depended to be induced to give her their patronage Gerty learned that whatever sympathy her friends case might have excited a few months since had been imperilled if not lost by her association with Mrs Hatch Once again Lily had withdrawn from an ambiguous situation in time to save her selfrespect but too late for public vindication Freddy Van Osburgh was not to marry Mrs Hatch he had been rescued at the eleventh hour—some said by the efforts of Gus Trenor and Rosedale—and despatched to Europe with old Ned Van Alstyne but the risk he had run would always be ascribed to Miss Barts connivance and would somehow serve as a summingup and corroboration of the vague general distrust of her It was a relief to those who had hung back from her to find themselves thus justified and they were inclined to insist a little on her connection with the Hatch case in order to show that they had been right
Gertys quest at any rate brought up against a solid wall of resistance and even when Carry Fisher momentarily penitent for her share in the Hatch affair joined her efforts to Miss Farishs they met with no better success Gerty had tried to veil her failure in tender ambiguities but Carry always the soul of candour put the case squarely to her friend
I went straight to Judy Trenor she has fewer prejudices than the others and besides shes always hated Bertha Dorset But what HAVE you done to her Lily At the very first word about giving you a start she flamed out about some money youd got from Gus I never knew her so hot before You know shell let him do anything but spend money on his friends the only reason shes decent to me now is that she knows Im not hard up—He speculated for you you say Well whats the harm He had no business to lose He DIDNT lose Then what on earth—but I never COULD understand you Lily
The end of it was that after anxious enquiry and much deliberation Mrs Fisher and Gerty for once oddly united in their effort to help their friend decided on placing her in the workroom of Mme Reginas renowned millinery establishment Even this arrangement was not effected without considerable negotiation for Mme Regina had a strong prejudice against untrained assistance and was induced to yield only by the fact that she owed the patronage of Mrs Bry and Mrs Gormer to Carry Fishers influence She had been willing from the first to employ Lily in the showroom as a displayer of hats a fashionable beauty might be a valuable asset But to this suggestion Miss Bart opposed a negative which Gerty emphatically supported while Mrs Fisher inwardly unconvinced but resigned to this latest proof of Lilys unreason agreed that perhaps in the end it would be more useful that she should learn the trade To Reginas workroom Lily was therefore committed by her friends and there Mrs Fisher left her with a sigh of relief while Gertys watchfulness continued to hover over her at a distance
Lily had taken up her work early in January it was now two months later and she was still being rebuked for her inability to sew spangles on a hatframe As she returned to her work she heard a titter pass down the tables She knew she was an object of criticism and amusement to the other workwomen They were of course aware of her history—the exact situation of every girl in the room was known and freely discussed by all the others—but the knowledge did not produce in them any awkward sense of class distinction it merely explained why her untutored fingers were still blundering over the rudiments of the trade Lily had no desire that they should recognize any social difference in her but she had hoped to be received as their equal and perhaps before long to show herself their superior by a special deftness of touch and it was humiliating to find that after two months of drudgery she still betrayed her lack of early training Remote was the day when she might aspire to exercise the talents she felt confident of possessing only experienced workers were entrusted with the delicate art of shaping and trimming the hat and the forewoman still held her inexorably to the routine of preparatory work
She began to rip the spangles from the frame listening absently to the buzz of talk which rose and fell with the coming and going of Miss Hainess active figure The air was closer than usual because Miss Haines who had a cold had not allowed a window to be opened even during the noon recess and Lilys head was so heavy with the weight of a sleepless night that the chatter of her companions had the incoherence of a dream
I TOLD her hed never look at her again and he didnt I wouldnt have either—I think she acted real mean to him He took her to the Arion Ball and had a hack for her both ways Shes taken ten bottles and her headaches dont seem no better—but shes written a testimonial to say the first bottle cured her and she got five dollars and her picture in the paper Mrs Trenors hat The one with the green Paradise Here Miss Haines—itll be ready right off That was one of the Trenor girls here yesterday with Mrs George Dorset Howd I know Why Madam sent for me to alter the flower in that Virot hat—the blue tulle shes tall and slight with her hair fuzzed out—a good deal like Mamie Leach ony thinner
On and on it flowed a current of meaningless sound on which startlingly enough a familiar name now and then floated to the surface It was the strangest part of Lilys strange experience the hearing of these names the seeing the fragmentary and distorted image of the world she had lived in reflected in the mirror of the workinggirls minds She had never before suspected the mixture of insatiable curiosity and contemptuous freedom with which she and her kind were discussed in this underworld of toilers who lived on their vanity and selfindulgence Every girl in Mme Reginas workroom knew to whom the headgear in her hands was destined and had her opinion of its future wearer and a definite knowledge of the latters place in the social system That Lily was a star fallen from that sky did not after the first stir of curiosity had subsided materially add to their interest in her She had fallen she had gone under and true to the ideal of their race they were awed only by success—by the gross tangible image of material achievement The consciousness of her different point of view merely kept them at a little distance from her as though she were a foreigner with whom it was an effort to talk
Miss Bart if you cant sew those spangles on more regular I guess youd better give the hat to Miss Kilroy
Lily looked down ruefully at her handiwork The forewoman was right the sewing on of the spangles was inexcusably bad What made her so much more clumsy than usual Was it a growing distaste for her task or actual physical disability She felt tired and confused it was an effort to put her thoughts together She rose and handed the hat to Miss Kilroy who took it with a suppressed smile
Im sorry Im afraid I am not well she said to the forewoman
Miss Haines offered no comment From the first she had augured ill of Mme Reginas consenting to include a fashionable apprentice among her workers In that temple of art no raw beginners were wanted and Miss Haines would have been more than human had she not taken a certain pleasure in seeing her forebodings confirmed
Youd better go back to binding edges she said drily Lily slipped out last among the band of liberated workwomen She did not care to be mingled in their noisy dispersal once in the street she always felt an irresistible return to her old standpoint an instinctive shrinking from all that was unpolished and promiscuous In the days—how distant they now seemed—when she had visited the Girls Club with Gerty Farish she had felt an enlightened interest in the workingclasses but that was because she looked down on them from above from the happy altitude of her grace and her beneficence Now that she was on a level with them the point of view was less interesting
She felt a touch on her arm and met the penitent eye of Miss Kilroy Miss Bart I guess you can sew those spangles on as well as I can when youre feeling right Miss Haines didnt act fair to you
Lilys colour rose at the unexpected advance it was a long time since real kindness had looked at her from any eyes but Gertys
Oh thank you Im not particularly well but Miss Haines was right I AM clumsy
Well its mean work for anybody with a headache Miss Kilroy paused irresolutely You ought to go right home and lay down Ever try orangeine
Thank you Lily held out her hand Its very kind of you—I mean to go home
She looked gratefully at Miss Kilroy but neither knew what more to say Lily was aware that the other was on the point of offering to go home with her but she wanted to be alone and silent—even kindness the sort of kindness that Miss Kilroy could give would have jarred on her just then
Thank you she repeated as she turned away
She struck westward through the dreary March twilight toward the street where her boardinghouse stood She had resolutely refused Gertys offer of hospitality Something of her mothers fierce shrinking from observation and sympathy was beginning to develop in her and the promiscuity of small quarters and close intimacy seemed on the whole less endurable than the solitude of a hall bedroom in a house where she could come and go unremarked among other workers For a while she had been sustained by this desire for privacy and independence but now perhaps from increasing physical weariness the lassitude brought about by hours of unwonted confinement she was beginning to feel acutely the ugliness and discomfort of her surroundings The days task done she dreaded to return to her narrow room with its blotched wallpaper and shabby paint and she hated every step of the walk thither through the degradation of a New York street in the last stages of decline from fashion to commerce
But what she dreaded most of all was having to pass the chemists at the corner of Sixth Avenue She had meant to take another street she had usually done so of late But today her steps were irresistibly drawn toward the flaring plateglass corner she tried to take the lower crossing but a laden dray crowded her back and she struck across the street obliquely reaching the sidewalk just opposite the chemists door
Over the counter she caught the eye of the clerk who had waited on her before and slipped the prescription into his hand There could be no question about the prescription it was a copy of one of Mrs Hatchs obligingly furnished by that ladys chemist Lily was confident that the clerk would fill it without hesitation yet the nervous dread of a refusal or even of an expression of doubt communicated itself to her restless hands as she affected to examine the bottles of perfume stacked on the glass case before her
The clerk had read the prescription without comment but in the act of handing out the bottle he paused
You dont want to increase the dose you know he remarked Lilys heart contracted
What did he mean by looking at her in that way
Of course not she murmured holding out her hand
Thats all right its a queeracting drug A drop or two more and off you go—the doctors dont know why
The dread lest he should question her or keep the bottle back choked the murmur of acquiescence in her throat and when at length she emerged safely from the shop she was almost dizzy with the intensity of her relief The mere touch of the packet thrilled her tired nerves with the delicious promise of a night of sleep and in the reaction from her momentary fear she felt as if the first fumes of drowsiness were already stealing over her
In her confusion she stumbled against a man who was hurrying down the last steps of the elevated station He drew back and she heard her name uttered with surprise It was Rosedale furcoated glossy and prosperous—but why did she seem to see him so far off and as if through a mist of splintered crystals Before she could account for the phenomenon she found herself shaking hands with him They had parted with scorn on her side and anger upon his but all trace of these emotions seemed to vanish as their hands met and she was only aware of a confused wish that she might continue to hold fast to him
Why whats the matter Miss Lily Youre not well he exclaimed and she forced her lips into a pallid smile of reassurance
Im a little tired—its nothing Stay with me a moment please she faltered That she should be asking this service of Rosedale
He glanced at the dirty and unpropitious corner on which they stood with the shriek of the elevated and the tumult of trams and waggons contending hideously in their ears
We cant stay here but let me take you somewhere for a cup of tea The LONGWORTH is only a few yards off and therell be no one there at this hour
A cup of tea in quiet somewhere out of the noise and ugliness seemed for the moment the one solace she could bear A few steps brought them to the ladies door of the hotel he had named and a moment later he was seated opposite to her and the waiter had placed the teatray between them
Not a drop of brandy or whiskey first You look regularly done up Miss Lily Well take your tea strong then and waiter get a cushion for the ladys back
Lily smiled faintly at the injunction to take her tea strong It was the temptation she was always struggling to resist Her craving for the keen stimulant was forever conflicting with that other craving for sleep—the midnight craving which only the little phial in her hand could still But today at any rate the tea could hardly be too strong she counted on it to pour warmth and resolution into her empty veins
As she leaned back before him her lids drooping in utter lassitude though the first warm draught already tinged her face with returning life Rosedale was seized afresh by the poignant surprise of her beauty The dark pencilling of fatigue under her eyes the morbid blueveined pallour of the temples brought out the brightness of her hair and lips as though all her ebbing vitality were centred there Against the dull chocolatecoloured background of the restaurant the purity of her head stood out as it had never done in the most brightlylit ballroom He looked at her with a startled uncomfortable feeling as though her beauty were a forgotten enemy that had lain in ambush and now sprang out on him unawares
To clear the air he tried to take an easy tone with her Why Miss Lily I havent seen you for an age I didnt know what had become of you
As he spoke he was checked by an embarrassing sense of the complications to which this might lead Though he had not seen her he had heard of her he knew of her connection with Mrs Hatch and of the talk resulting from it Mrs Hatchs MILIEU was one which he had once assiduously frequented and now as devoutly shunned
Lily to whom the tea had restored her usual clearness of mind saw what was in his thoughts and said with a slight smile You would not be likely to know about me I have joined the working classes
He stared in genuine wonder You dont mean— Why what on earth are you doing
Learning to be a milliner—at least TRYING to learn she hastily qualified the statement
Rosedale suppressed a low whistle of surprise Come off—you aint serious are you
Perfectly serious Im obliged to work for my living
But I understood—I thought you were with Norma Hatch
You heard I had gone to her as her secretary
Something of the kind I believe He leaned forward to refill her cup
Lily guessed the possibilities of embarrassment which the topic held for him and raising her eyes to his she said suddenly I left her two months ago
Rosedale continued to fumble awkwardly with the teapot and she felt sure that he had heard what had been said of her But what was there that Rosedale did not hear
Wasnt it a soft berth he enquired with an attempt at lightness
Too soft—one might have sunk in too deep Lily rested one arm on the edge of the table and sat looking at him more intently than she had ever looked before An uncontrollable impulse was urging her to put her case to this man from whose curiosity she had always so fiercely defended herself
You know Mrs Hatch I think Well perhaps you can understand that she might make things too easy for one
Rosedale looked faintly puzzled and she remembered that allusiveness was lost on him
It was no place for you anyhow he agreed so suffused and immersed in the light of her full gaze that he found himself being drawn into strange depths of intimacy He who had had to subsist on mere fugitive glances looks winged in flight and swiftly lost under covert now found her eyes settling on him with a brooding intensity that fairly dazzled him
I left Lily continued lest people should say I was helping Mrs Hatch to marry Freddy Van Osburgh—who is not in the least too good for her—and as they still continue to say it I see that I might as well have stayed where I was
Oh Freddy—— Rosedale brushed aside the topic with an air of its unimportance which gave a sense of the immense perspective he had acquired Freddy dont count—but I knew YOU werent mixed up in that It aint your style
Lily coloured slightly she could not conceal from herself that the words gave her pleasure She would have liked to sit there drinking more tea and continuing to talk of herself to Rosedale But the old habit of observing the conventions reminded her that it was time to bring their colloquy to an end and she made a faint motion to push back her chair
Rosedale stopped her with a protesting gesture Wait a minute—dont go yet sit quiet and rest a little longer You look thoroughly played out And you havent told me—— He broke off conscious of going farther than he had meant She saw the struggle and understood it understood also the nature of the spell to which he yielded as with his eyes on her face he began again abruptly What on earth did you mean by saying just now that you were learning to be a milliner
Just what I said I am an apprentice at Reginas
Good Lord—YOU But what for I knew your aunt had turned you down Mrs Fisher told me about it But I understood you got a legacy from her——
I got ten thousand dollars but the legacy is not to be paid till next summer
Well but—look here you could BORROW on it any time you wanted
She shook her head gravely No for I owe it already
Owe it The whole ten thousand
Every penny She paused and then continued abruptly with her eyes on his face I think Gus Trenor spoke to you once about having made some money for me in stocks
She waited and Rosedale congested with embarrassment muttered that he remembered something of the kind
He made about nine thousand dollars Lily pursued in the same tone of eager communicativeness At the time I understood that he was speculating with my own money it was incredibly stupid of me but I knew nothing of business Afterward I found out that he had NOT used my money—that what he said he had made for me he had really given me It was meant in kindness of course but it was not the sort of obligation one could remain under Unfortunately I had spent the money before I discovered my mistake and so my legacy will have to go to pay it back That is the reason why I am trying to learn a trade
She made the statement clearly deliberately with pauses between the sentences so that each should have time to sink deeply into her hearers mind She had a passionate desire that some one should know the truth about this transaction and also that the rumour of her intention to repay the money should reach Judy Trenors ears And it had suddenly occurred to her that Rosedale who had surprised Trenors confidence was the fitting person to receive and transmit her version of the facts She had even felt a momentary exhilaration at the thought of thus relieving herself of her detested secret but the sensation gradually faded in the telling and as she ended her pallour was suffused with a deep blush of misery
Rosedale continued to stare at her in wonder but the wonder took the turn she had least expected
But see here—if thats the case it cleans you out altogether
He put it to her as if she had not grasped the consequences of her act as if her incorrigible ignorance of business were about to precipitate her into a fresh act of folly
Altogether—yes she calmly agreed
He sat silent his thick hands clasped on the table his little puzzled eyes exploring the recesses of the deserted restaurant
See here—thats fine he exclaimed abruptly
Lily rose from her seat with a deprecating laugh Oh no—its merely a bore she asserted gathering together the ends of her feather scarf
Rosedale remained seated too intent on his thoughts to notice her movement Miss Lily if you want any backing—I like pluck—— broke from him disconnectedly
Thank you She held out her hand Your tea has given me a tremendous backing I feel equal to anything now
Her gesture seemed to show a definite intention of dismissal but her companion had tossed a bill to the waiter and was slipping his short arms into his expensive overcoat
Wait a minute—youve got to let me walk home with you he said
Lily uttered no protest and when he had paused to make sure of his change they emerged from the hotel and crossed Sixth Avenue again As she led the way westward past a long line of areas which through the distortion of their paintless rails revealed with increasing candour the DISJECTA MEMBRA of bygone dinners Lily felt that Rosedale was taking contemptuous note of the neighbourhood and before the doorstep at which she finally paused he looked up with an air of incredulous disgust
This isnt the place Some one told me you were living with Miss Farish
No I am boarding here I have lived too long on my friends
He continued to scan the blistered brown stone front the windows draped with discoloured lace and the Pompeian decoration of the muddy vestibule then he looked back at her face and said with a visible effort Youll let me come and see you some day
She smiled recognizing the heroism of the offer to the point of being frankly touched by it Thank you—I shall be very glad she made answer in the first sincere words she had ever spoken to him
That evening in her own room Miss Bart—who had fled early from the heavy fumes of the basement dinnertable—sat musing upon the impulse which had led her to unbosom herself to Rosedale Beneath it she discovered an increasing sense of loneliness—a dread of returning to the solitude of her room while she could be anywhere else or in any company but her own Circumstances of late had combined to cut her off more and more from her few remaining friends On Carry Fishers part the withdrawal was perhaps not quite involuntary Having made her final effort on Lilys behalf and landed her safely in Mme Reginas workroom Mrs Fisher seemed disposed to rest from her labours and Lily understanding the reason could not condemn her Carry had in fact come dangerously near to being involved in the episode of Mrs Norma Hatch and it had taken some verbal ingenuity to extricate herself She frankly owned to having brought Lily and Mrs Hatch together but then she did not know Mrs Hatch—she had expressly warned Lily that she did not know Mrs Hatch—and besides she was not Lilys keeper and really the girl was old enough to take care of herself Carry did not put her own case so brutally but she allowed it to be thus put for her by her latest bosom friend Mrs Jack Stepney Mrs Stepney trembling over the narrowness of her only brothers escape but eager to vindicate Mrs Fisher at whose house she could count on the jolly parties which had become a necessity to her since marriage had emancipated her from the Van Osburgh point of view
Lily understood the situation and could make allowances for it Carry had been a good friend to her in difficult days and perhaps only a friendship like Gertys could be proof against such an increasing strain Gertys friendship did indeed hold fast yet Lily was beginning to avoid her also For she could not go to Gertys without risk of meeting Selden and to meet him now would be pure pain It was pain enough even to think of him whether she considered him in the distinctness of her waking thoughts or felt the obsession of his presence through the blur of her tormented nights That was one of the reasons why she had turned again to Mrs Hatchs prescription In the uneasy snatches of her natural dreams he came to her sometimes in the old guise of fellowship and tenderness and she would rise from the sweet delusion mocked and emptied of her courage But in the sleep which the phial procured she sank far below such halfwaking visitations sank into depths of dreamless annihilation from which she woke each morning with an obliterated past
Gradually to be sure the stress of the old thoughts would return but at least they did not importune her waking hour The drug gave her a momentary illusion of complete renewal from which she drew strength to take up her daily work The strength was more and more needed as the perplexities of her future increased She knew that to Gerty and Mrs Fisher she was only passing through a temporary period of probation since they believed that the apprenticeship she was serving at Mme Reginas would enable her when Mrs Penistons legacy was paid to realize the vision of the greenandwhite shop with the fuller competence acquired by her preliminary training But to Lily herself aware that the legacy could not be put to such a use the preliminary training seemed a wasted effort She understood clearly enough that even if she could ever learn to compete with hands formed from childhood for their special work the small pay she received would not be a sufficient addition to her income to compensate her for such drudgery And the realization of this fact brought her recurringly face to face with the temptation to use the legacy in establishing her business Once installed and in command of her own workwomen she believed she had sufficient tact and ability to attract a fashionable CLIENTELE and if the business succeeded she could gradually lay aside money enough to discharge her debt to Trenor But the task might take years to accomplish even if she continued to stint herself to the utmost and meanwhile her pride would be crushed under the weight of an intolerable obligation
These were her superficial considerations but under them lurked the secret dread that the obligation might not always remain intolerable She knew she could not count on her continuity of purpose and what really frightened her was the thought that she might gradually accommodate herself to remaining indefinitely in Trenors debt as she had accommodated herself to the part allotted her on the Sabrina and as she had so nearly drifted into acquiescing with Stancys scheme for the advancement of Mrs Hatch Her danger lay as she knew in her old incurable dread of discomfort and poverty in the fear of that mounting tide of dinginess against which her mother had so passionately warned her And now a new vista of peril opened before her She understood that Rosedale was ready to lend her money and the longing to take advantage of his offer began to haunt her insidiously It was of course impossible to accept a loan from Rosedale but proximate possibilities hovered temptingly before her She was quite sure that he would come and see her again and almost sure that if he did she could bring him to the point of offering to marry her on the terms she had previously rejected Would she still reject them if they were offered More and more with every fresh mischance befalling her did the pursuing furies seem to take the shape of Bertha Dorset and close at hand safely locked among her papers lay the means of ending their pursuit The temptation which her scorn of Rosedale had once enabled her to reject now insistently returned upon her and how much strength was left her to oppose it
What little there was must at any rate be husbanded to the utmost she could not trust herself again to the perils of a sleepless night Through the long hours of silence the dark spirit of fatigue and loneliness crouched upon her breast leaving her so drained of bodily strength that her morning thoughts swam in a haze of weakness The only hope of renewal lay in the little bottle at her bedside and how much longer that hope would last she dared not conjecture
Chapter 11
Lily lingering for a moment on the corner looked out on the afternoon spectacle of Fifth Avenue It was a day in late April and the sweetness of spring was in the air It mitigated the ugliness of the long crowded thoroughfare blurred the gaunt rooflines threw a mauve veil over the discouraging perspective of the side streets and gave a touch of poetry to the delicate haze of green that marked the entrance to the Park
As Lily stood there she recognized several familiar faces in the passing carriages The season was over and its ruling forces had disbanded but a few still lingered delaying their departure for Europe or passing through town on their return from the South Among them was Mrs Van Osburgh swaying majestically in her Cspring barouche with Mrs Percy Gryce at her side and the new heir to the Gryce millions enthroned before them on his nurses knees They were succeeded by Mrs Hatchs electric victoria in which that lady reclined in the lonely splendour of a spring toilet obviously designed for company and a moment or two later came Judy Trenor accompanied by Lady Skiddaw who had come over for her annual tarpon fishing and a dip into the street
This fleeting glimpse of her past served to emphasize the sense of aimlessness with which Lily at length turned toward home She had nothing to do for the rest of the day nor for the days to come for the season was over in millinery as well as in society and a week earlier Mme Regina had notified her that her services were no longer required Mme Regina always reduced her staff on the first of May and Miss Barts attendance had of late been so irregular—she had so often been unwell and had done so little work when she came—that it was only as a favour that her dismissal had hitherto been deferred
Lily did not question the justice of the decision She was conscious of having been forgetful awkward and slow to learn It was bitter to acknowledge her inferiority even to herself but the fact had been brought home to her that as a breadwinner she could never compete with professional ability Since she had been brought up to be ornamental she could hardly blame herself for failing to serve any practical purpose but the discovery put an end to her consoling sense of universal efficiency
As she turned homeward her thoughts shrank in anticipation from the fact that there would be nothing to get up for the next morning The luxury of lying late in bed was a pleasure belonging to the life of ease it had no part in the utilitarian existence of the boardinghouse She liked to leave her room early and to return to it as late as possible and she was walking slowly now in order to postpone the detested approach to her doorstep
But the doorstep as she drew near it acquired a sudden interest from the fact that it was occupied—and indeed filled—by the conspicuous figure of Mr Rosedale whose presence seemed to take on an added amplitude from the meanness of his surroundings
The sight stirred Lily with an irresistible sense of triumph Rosedale a day or two after their chance meeting had called to enquire if she had recovered from her indisposition but since then she had not seen or heard from him and his absence seemed to betoken a struggle to keep away to let her pass once more out of his life If this were the case his return showed that the struggle had been unsuccessful for Lily knew he was not the man to waste his time in an ineffectual sentimental dalliance He was too busy too practical and above all too much preoccupied with his own advancement to indulge in such unprofitable asides
In the peacockblue parlour with its bunches of dried pampas grass and discoloured steel engravings of sentimental episodes he looked about him with unconcealed disgust laying his hat distrustfully on the dusty console adorned with a Rogers statuette
Lily sat down on one of the plush and rosewood sofas and he deposited himself in a rockingchair draped with a starched antimacassar which scraped unpleasantly against the pink fold of skin above his collar
My goodness—you cant go on living here he exclaimed
Lily smiled at his tone I am not sure that I can but I have gone over my expenses very carefully and I rather think I shall be able to manage it
Be able to manage it Thats not what I mean—its no place for you
Its what I mean for I have been out of work for the last week
Out of work—out of work What a way for you to talk The idea of your having to work—its preposterous He brought out his sentences in short violent jerks as though they were forced up from a deep inner crater of indignation Its a farce—a crazy farce he repeated his eyes fixed on the long vista of the room reflected in the blotched glass between the windows
Lily continued to meet his expostulations with a smile I dont know why I should regard myself as an exception—— she began
Because you ARE thats why and your being in a place like this is a damnable outrage I cant talk of it calmly
She had in truth never seen him so shaken out of his usual glibness and there was something almost moving to her in his inarticulate struggle with his emotions
He rose with a start which left the rockingchair quivering on its beam ends and placed himself squarely before her
Look here Miss Lily Im going to Europe next week going over to Paris and London for a couple of months—and I cant leave you like this I cant do it I know its none of my business—youve let me understand that often enough but things are worse with you now than they have been before and you must see that youve got to accept help from somebody You spoke to me the other day about some debt to Trenor I know what you mean—and I respect you for feeling as you do about it
A blush of surprise rose to Lilys pale face but before she could interrupt him he had continued eagerly Well Ill lend you the money to pay Trenor and I wont—I—see here dont take me up till Ive finished What I mean is itll be a plain business arrangement such as one man would make with another Now what have you got to say against that
Lilys blush deepened to a glow in which humiliation and gratitude were mingled and both sentiments revealed themselves in the unexpected gentleness of her reply
Only this that it is exactly what Gus Trenor proposed and that I can never again be sure of understanding the plainest business arrangement Then realizing that this answer contained a germ of injustice she added even more kindly Not that I dont appreciate your kindness—that Im not grateful for it But a business arrangement between us would in any case be impossible because I shall have no security to give when my debt to Gus Trenor has been paid
Rosedale received this statement in silence he seemed to feel the note of finality in her voice yet to be unable to accept it as closing the question between them
In the silence Lily had a clear perception of what was passing through his mind Whatever perplexity he felt as to the inexorableness of her course—however little he penetrated its motive—she saw that it unmistakably tended to strengthen her hold over him It was as though the sense in her of unexplained scruples and resistances had the same attraction as the delicacy of feature the fastidiousness of manner which gave her an external rarity an air of being impossible to match As he advanced in social experience this uniqueness had acquired a greater value for him as though he were a collector who had learned to distinguish minor differences of design and quality in some longcoveted object
Lily perceiving all this understood that he would marry her at once on the sole condition of a reconciliation with Mrs Dorset and the temptation was the less easy to put aside because little by little circumstances were breaking down her dislike for Rosedale The dislike indeed still subsisted but it was penetrated here and there by the perception of mitigating qualities in him of a certain gross kindliness a rather helpless fidelity of sentiment which seemed to be struggling through the hard surface of his material ambitions
Reading his dismissal in her eyes he held out his hand with a gesture which conveyed something of this inarticulate conflict
If youd only let me Id set you up over them all—Id put you where you could wipe your feet on em he declared and it touched her oddly to see that his new passion had not altered his old standard of values
Lily took no sleepingdrops that night She lay awake viewing her situation in the crude light which Rosedales visit had shed on it In fending off the offer he was so plainly ready to renew had she not sacrificed to one of those abstract notions of honour that might be called the conventionalities of the moral life What debt did she owe to a social order which had condemned and banished her without trial She had never been heard in her own defence she was innocent of the charge on which she had been found guilty and the irregularity of her conviction might seem to justify the use of methods as irregular in recovering her lost rights Bertha Dorset to save herself had not scrupled to ruin her by an open falsehood why should she hesitate to make private use of the facts that chance had put in her way After all half the opprobrium of such an act lies in the name attached to it Call it blackmail and it becomes unthinkable but explain that it injures no one and that the rights regained by it were unjustly forfeited and he must be a formalist indeed who can find no plea in its defence
The arguments pleading for it with Lily were the old unanswerable ones of the personal situation the sense of injury the sense of failure the passionate craving for a fair chance against the selfish despotism of society She had learned by experience that she had neither the aptitude nor the moral constancy to remake her life on new lines to become a worker among workers and let the world of luxury and pleasure sweep by her unregarded She could not hold herself much to blame for this ineffectiveness and she was perhaps less to blame than she believed Inherited tendencies had combined with early training to make her the highly specialized product she was an organism as helpless out of its narrow range as the seaanemone torn from the rock She had been fashioned to adorn and delight to what other end does nature round the roseleaf and paint the hummingbirds breast And was it her fault that the purely decorative mission is less easily and harmoniously fulfilled among social beings than in the world of nature That it is apt to be hampered by material necessities or complicated by moral scruples
These last were the two antagonistic forces which fought out their battle in her breast during the long watches of the night and when she rose the next morning she hardly knew where the victory lay She was exhausted by the reaction of a night without sleep coming after many nights of rest artificially obtained and in the distorting light of fatigue the future stretched out before her grey interminable and desolate
She lay late in bed refusing the coffee and fried eggs which the friendly Irish servant thrust through her door and hating the intimate domestic noises of the house and the cries and rumblings of the street Her week of idleness had brought home to her with exaggerated force these small aggravations of the boardinghouse world and she yearned for that other luxurious world whose machinery is so carefully concealed that one scene flows into another without perceptible agency
At length she rose and dressed Since she had left Mme Reginas she had spent her days in the streets partly to escape from the uncongenial promiscuities of the boardinghouse and partly in the hope that physical fatigue would help her to sleep But once out of the house she could not decide where to go for she had avoided Gerty since her dismissal from the milliners and she was not sure of a welcome anywhere else
The morning was in harsh contrast to the previous day A cold grey sky threatened rain and a high wind drove the dust in wild spirals up and down the streets Lily walked up Fifth Avenue toward the Park hoping to find a sheltered nook where she might sit but the wind chilled her and after an hours wandering under the tossing boughs she yielded to her increasing weariness and took refuge in a little restaurant in Fiftyninth Street She was not hungry and had meant to go without luncheon but she was too tired to return home and the long perspective of white tables showed alluringly through the windows
The room was full of women and girls all too much engaged in the rapid absorption of tea and pie to remark her entrance A hum of shrill voices reverberated against the low ceiling leaving Lily shut out in a little circle of silence She felt a sudden pang of profound loneliness She had lost the sense of time and it seemed to her as though she had not spoken to any one for days Her eyes sought the faces about her craving a responsive glance some sign of an intuition of her trouble But the sallow preoccupied women with their bags and notebooks and rolls of music were all engrossed in their own affairs and even those who sat by themselves were busy running over proofsheets or devouring magazines between their hurried gulps of tea Lily alone was stranded in a great waste of disoccupation
She drank several cups of the tea which was served with her portion of stewed oysters and her brain felt clearer and livelier when she emerged once more into the street She realized now that as she sat in the restaurant she had unconsciously arrived at a final decision The discovery gave her an immediate illusion of activity it was exhilarating to think that she had actually a reason for hurrying home To prolong her enjoyment of the sensation she decided to walk but the distance was so great that she found herself glancing nervously at the clocks on the way One of the surprises of her unoccupied state was the discovery that time when it is left to itself and no definite demands are made on it cannot be trusted to move at any recognized pace Usually it loiters but just when one has come to count upon its slowness it may suddenly break into a wild irrational gallop
She found however on reaching home that the hour was still early enough for her to sit down and rest a few minutes before putting her plan into execution The delay did not perceptibly weaken her resolve She was frightened and yet stimulated by the reserved force of resolution which she felt within herself she saw it was going to be easier a great deal easier than she had imagined
At five oclock she rose unlocked her trunk and took out a sealed packet which she slipped into the bosom of her dress Even the contact with the packet did not shake her nerves as she had halfexpected it would She seemed encased in a strong armour of indifference as though the vigorous exertion of her will had finally benumbed her finer sensibilities
She dressed herself once more for the street locked her door and went out When she emerged on the pavement the day was still high but a threat of rain darkened the sky and cold gusts shook the signs projecting from the basement shops along the street She reached Fifth Avenue and began to walk slowly northward She was sufficiently familiar with Mrs Dorsets habits to know that she could always be found at home after five She might not indeed be accessible to visitors especially to a visitor so unwelcome and against whom it was quite possible that she had guarded herself by special orders but Lily had written a note which she meant to send up with her name and which she thought would secure her admission
She had allowed herself time to walk to Mrs Dorsets thinking that the quick movement through the cold evening air would help to steady her nerves but she really felt no need of being tranquillized Her survey of the situation remained calm and unwavering
As she reached Fiftieth Street the clouds broke abruptly and a rush of cold rain slanted into her face She had no umbrella and the moisture quickly penetrated her thin spring dress She was still half a mile from her destination and she decided to walk across to Madison Avenue and take the electric car As she turned into the side street a vague memory stirred in her The row of budding trees the new brick and limestone housefronts the Georgian flathouse with flowerboxes on its balconies were merged together into the setting of a familiar scene It was down this street that she had walked with Selden that September day two years ago a few yards ahead was the doorway they had entered together The recollection loosened a throng of benumbed sensations—longings regrets imaginings the throbbing brood of the only spring her heart had ever known It was strange to find herself passing his house on such an errand She seemed suddenly to see her action as he would see it—and the fact of his own connection with it the fact that to attain her end she must trade on his name and profit by a secret of his past chilled her blood with shame What a long way she had travelled since the day of their first talk together Even then her feet had been set in the path she was now following—even then she had resisted the hand he had held out
All her resentment of his fancied coldness was swept away in this overwhelming rush of recollection Twice he had been ready to help her—to help her by loving her as he had said—and if the third time he had seemed to fail her whom but herself could she accuse… Well that part of her life was over she did not know why her thoughts still clung to it But the sudden longing to see him remained it grew to hunger as she paused on the pavement opposite his door The street was dark and empty swept by the rain She had a vision of his quiet room of the bookshelves and the fire on the hearth She looked up and saw a light in his window then she crossed the street and entered the house
Chapter 12
The library looked as she had pictured it The greenshaded lamps made tranquil circles of light in the gathering dusk a little fire flickered on the hearth and Seldens easychair which stood near it had been pushed aside when he rose to admit her
He had checked his first movement of surprise and stood silent waiting for her to speak while she paused a moment on the threshold assailed by a rush of memories
The scene was unchanged She recognized the row of shelves from which he had taken down his La Bruyere and the worn arm of the chair he had leaned against while she examined the precious volume But then the wide September light had filled the room making it seem a part of the outer world now the shaded lamps and the warm hearth detaching it from the gathering darkness of the street gave it a sweeter touch of intimacy
Becoming gradually aware of the surprise under Seldens silence Lily turned to him and said simply I came to tell you that I was sorry for the way we parted—for what I said to you that day at Mrs Hatchs
The words rose to her lips spontaneously Even on her way up the stairs she had not thought of preparing a pretext for her visit but she now felt an intense longing to dispel the cloud of misunderstanding that hung between them
Selden returned her look with a smile I was sorry too that we should have parted in that way but I am not sure I didnt bring it on myself Luckily I had foreseen the risk I was taking——
So that you really didnt care—— broke from her with a flash of her old irony
So that I was prepared for the consequences he corrected goodhumouredly But well talk of all this later Do come and sit by the fire I can recommend that armchair if youll let me put a cushion behind you
While he spoke she had moved slowly to the middle of the room and paused near his writingtable where the lamp striking upward cast exaggerated shadows on the pallour of her delicatelyhollowed face
You look tired—do sit down he repeated gently
She did not seem to hear the request I wanted you to know that I left Mrs Hatch immediately after I saw you she said as though continuing her confession
Yes—yes I know he assented with a rising tinge of embarrassment
And that I did so because you told me to Before you came I had already begun to see that it would be impossible to remain with her—for the reasons you gave me but I wouldnt admit it—I wouldnt let you see that I understood what you meant
Ah I might have trusted you to find your own way out—dont overwhelm me with the sense of my officiousness
His light tone in which had her nerves been steadier she would have recognized the mere effort to bridge over an awkward moment jarred on her passionate desire to be understood In her strange state of extralucidity which gave her the sense of being already at the heart of the situation it seemed incredible that any one should think it necessary to linger in the conventional outskirts of wordplay and evasion
It was not that—I was not ungrateful she insisted But the power of expression failed her suddenly she felt a tremor in her throat and two tears gathered and fell slowly from her eyes
Selden moved forward and took her hand You are very tired Why wont you sit down and let me make you comfortable
He drew her to the armchair near the fire and placed a cushion behind her shoulders
And now you must let me make you some tea you know I always have that amount of hospitality at my command
She shook her head and two more tears ran over But she did not weep easily and the long habit of selfcontrol reasserted itself though she was still too tremulous to speak
You know I can coax the water to boil in five minutes Selden continued speaking as though she were a troubled child
His words recalled the vision of that other afternoon when they had sat together over his teatable and talked jestingly of her future There were moments when that day seemed more remote than any other event in her life and yet she could always relive it in its minutest detail
She made a gesture of refusal No I drink too much tea I would rather sit quiet—I must go in a moment she added confusedly
Selden continued to stand near her leaning against the mantelpiece The tinge of constraint was beginning to be more distinctly perceptible under the friendly ease of his manner Her selfabsorption had not allowed her to perceive it at first but now that her consciousness was once more putting forth its eager feelers she saw that her presence was becoming an embarrassment to him Such a situation can be saved only by an immediate outrush of feeling and on Seldens side the determining impulse was still lacking
The discovery did not disturb Lily as it might once have done She had passed beyond the phase of wellbred reciprocity in which every demonstration must be scrupulously proportioned to the emotion it elicits and generosity of feeling is the only ostentation condemned But the sense of loneliness returned with redoubled force as she saw herself forever shut out from Seldens inmost self She had come to him with no definite purpose the mere longing to see him had directed her but the secret hope she had carried with her suddenly revealed itself in its deathpang
I must go she repeated making a motion to rise from her chair But I may not see you again for a long time and I wanted to tell you that I have never forgotten the things you said to me at Bellomont and that sometimes—sometimes when I seemed farthest from remembering them—they have helped me and kept me from mistakes kept me from really becoming what many people have thought me
Strive as she would to put some order in her thoughts the words would not come more clearly yet she felt that she could not leave him without trying to make him understand that she had saved herself whole from the seeming ruin of her life
A change had come over Seldens face as she spoke Its guarded look had yielded to an expression still untinged by personal emotion but full of a gentle understanding
I am glad to have you tell me that but nothing I have said has really made the difference The difference is in yourself—it will always be there And since it IS there it cant really matter to you what people think you are so sure that your friends will always understand you
Ah dont say that—dont say that what you have told me has made no difference It seems to shut me out—to leave me all alone with the other people She had risen and stood before him once more completely mastered by the inner urgency of the moment The consciousness of his halfdivined reluctance had vanished Whether he wished it or not he must see her wholly for once before they parted
Her voice had gathered strength and she looked him gravely in the eyes as she continued Once—twice—you gave me the chance to escape from my life and I refused it refused it because I was a coward Afterward I saw my mistake—I saw I could never be happy with what had contented me before But it was too late you had judged me—I understood It was too late for happiness—but not too late to be helped by the thought of what I had missed That is all I have lived on—dont take it from me now Even in my worst moments it has been like a little light in the darkness Some women are strong enough to be good by themselves but I needed the help of your belief in me Perhaps I might have resisted a great temptation but the little ones would have pulled me down And then I remembered—I remembered your saying that such a life could never satisfy me and I was ashamed to admit to myself that it could That is what you did for me—that is what I wanted to thank you for I wanted to tell you that I have always remembered and that I have tried—tried hard …
She broke off suddenly Her tears had risen again and in drawing out her handkerchief her fingers touched the packet in the folds of her dress A wave of colour suffused her and the words died on her lips Then she lifted her eyes to his and went on in an altered voice
I have tried hard—but life is difficult and I am a very useless person I can hardly be said to have an independent existence I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else What can one do when one finds that one only fits into one hole One must get back to it or be thrown out into the rubbish heap—and you dont know what its like in the rubbish heap
Her lips wavered into a smile—she had been distracted by the whimsical remembrance of the confidences she had made to him two years earlier in that very room Then she had been planning to marry Percy Gryce—what was it she was planning now
The blood had risen strongly under Seldens dark skin but his emotion showed itself only in an added seriousness of manner
You have something to tell me—do you mean to marry he said abruptly
Lilys eyes did not falter but a look of wonder of puzzled selfinterrogation formed itself slowly in their depths In the light of his question she had paused to ask herself if her decision had really been taken when she entered the room
You always told me I should have to come to it sooner or later she said with a faint smile
And you have come to it now
I shall have to come to it—presently But there is something else I must come to first She paused again trying to transmit to her voice the steadiness of her recovered smile There is some one I must say goodbye to Oh not YOU—we are sure to see each other again—but the Lily Bart you knew I have kept her with me all this time but now we are going to part and I have brought her back to you—I am going to leave her here When I go out presently she will not go with me I shall like to think that she has stayed with you—and shell be no trouble shell take up no room
She went toward him and put out her hand still smiling Will you let her stay with you she asked
He caught her hand and she felt in his the vibration of feeling that had not yet risen to his lips Lily—cant I help you he exclaimed
She looked at him gently Do you remember what you said to me once That you could help me only by loving me Well—you did love me for a moment and it helped me It has always helped me But the moment is gone—it was I who let it go And one must go on living Goodbye
She laid her other hand on his and they looked at each other with a kind of solemnity as though they stood in the presence of death Something in truth lay dead between them—the love she had killed in him and could no longer call to life But something lived between them also and leaped up in her like an imperishable flame it was the love his love had kindled the passion of her soul for his
In its light everything else dwindled and fell away from her She understood now that she could not go forth and leave her old self with him that self must indeed live on in his presence but it must still continue to be hers
Selden had retained her hand and continued to scrutinize her with a strange sense of foreboding The external aspect of the situation had vanished for him as completely as for her he felt it only as one of those rare moments which lift the veil from their faces as they pass
Lily he said in a low voice you mustnt speak in this way I cant let you go without knowing what you mean to do Things may change—but they dont pass You can never go out of my life
She met his eyes with an illumined look No she said I see that now Let us always be friends Then I shall feel safe whatever happens
Whatever happens What do you mean What is going to happen
She turned away quietly and walked toward the hearth
Nothing at present—except that I am very cold and that before I go you must make up the fire for me
She knelt on the hearthrug stretching her hands to the embers Puzzled by the sudden change in her tone he mechanically gathered a handful of wood from the basket and tossed it on the fire As he did so he noticed how thin her hands looked against the rising light of the flames He saw too under the loose lines of her dress how the curves of her figure had shrunk to angularity he remembered long afterward how the red play of the flame sharpened the depression of her nostrils and intensified the blackness of the shadows which struck up from her cheekbones to her eyes She knelt there for a few moments in silence a silence which he dared not break When she rose he fancied that he saw her draw something from her dress and drop it into the fire but he hardly noticed the gesture at the time His faculties seemed tranced and he was still groping for the word to break the spell She went up to him and laid her hands on his shoulders Goodbye she said and as he bent over her she touched his forehead with her lips
Chapter 13
The streetlamps were lit but the rain had ceased and there was a momentary revival of light in the upper sky Lily walked on unconscious of her surroundings She was still treading the buoyant ether which emanates from the high moments of life But gradually it shrank away from her and she felt the dull pavement beneath her feet The sense of weariness returned with accumulated force and for a moment she felt that she could walk no farther She had reached the corner of Fortyfirst Street and Fifth Avenue and she remembered that in Bryant Park there were seats where she might rest
That melancholy pleasureground was almost deserted when she entered it and she sank down on an empty bench in the glare of an electric streetlamp The warmth of the fire had passed out of her veins and she told herself that she must not sit long in the penetrating dampness which struck up from the wet asphalt But her willpower seemed to have spent itself in a last great effort and she was lost in the blank reaction which follows on an unwonted expenditure of energy And besides what was there to go home to Nothing but the silence of her cheerless room—that silence of the night which may be more racking to tired nerves than the most discordant noises that and the bottle of chloral by her bed The thought of the chloral was the only spot of light in the dark prospect she could feel its lulling influence stealing over her already But she was troubled by the thought that it was losing its power—she dared not go back to it too soon Of late the sleep it had brought her had been more broken and less profound there had been nights when she was perpetually floating up through it to consciousness What if the effect of the drug should gradually fail as all narcotics were said to fail She remembered the chemists warning against increasing the dose and she had heard before of the capricious and incalculable action of the drug Her dread of returning to a sleepless night was so great that she lingered on hoping that excessive weariness would reinforce the waning power of the chloral
Night had now closed in and the roar of traffic in Fortysecond Street was dying out As complete darkness fell on the square the lingering occupants of the benches rose and dispersed but now and then a stray figure hurrying homeward struck across the path where Lily sat looming black for a moment in the white circle of electric light One or two of these passersby slackened their pace to glance curiously at her lonely figure but she was hardly conscious of their scrutiny
Suddenly however she became aware that one of the passing shadows remained stationary between her line of vision and the gleaming asphalt and raising her eyes she saw a young woman bending over her
Excuse me—are you sick—Why its Miss Bart a halffamiliar voice exclaimed
Lily looked up The speaker was a poorlydressed young woman with a bundle under her arm Her face had the air of unwholesome refinement which illhealth and overwork may produce but its common prettiness was redeemed by the strong and generous curve of the lips
You dont remember me she continued brightening with the pleasure of recognition but Id know you anywhere Ive thought of you such a lot I guess my folks all know your name by heart I was one of the girls at Miss Farishs club—you helped me to go to the country that time I had lungtrouble My names Nettie Struther It was Nettie Crane then—but I daresay you dont remember that either
Yes Lily was beginning to remember The episode of Nettie Cranes timely rescue from disease had been one of the most satisfying incidents of her connection with Gertys charitable work She had furnished the girl with the means to go to a sanatorium in the mountains it struck her now with a peculiar irony that the money she had used had been Gus Trenors
She tried to reply to assure the speaker that she had not forgotten but her voice failed in the effort and she felt herself sinking under a great wave of physical weakness Nettie Struther with a startled exclamation sat down and slipped a shabbilyclad arm behind her back
Why Miss Bart you ARE sick Just lean on me a little till you feel better
A faint glow of returning strength seemed to pass into Lily from the pressure of the supporting arm
Im only tired—it is nothing she found voice to say in a moment and then as she met the timid appeal of her companions eyes she added involuntarily I have been unhappy—in great trouble
YOU in trouble Ive always thought of you as being so high up where everything was just grand Sometimes when I felt real mean and got to wondering why things were so queerly fixed in the world I used to remember that you were having a lovely time anyhow and that seemed to show there was a kind of justice somewhere But you mustnt sit here too long—its fearfully damp Dont you feel strong enough to walk on a little ways now she broke off
Yes—yes I must go home Lily murmured rising
Her eyes rested wonderingly on the thin shabby figure at her side She had known Nettie Crane as one of the discouraged victims of overwork and anaemic parentage one of the superfluous fragments of life destined to be swept prematurely into that social refuseheap of which Lily had so lately expressed her dread But Nettie Struthers frail envelope was now alive with hope and energy whatever fate the future reserved for her she would not be cast into the refuseheap without a struggle
I am very glad to have seen you Lily continued summoning a smile to her unsteady lips Itll be my turn to think of you as happy—and the world will seem a less unjust place to me too
Oh but I cant leave you like this—youre not fit to go home alone And I cant go with you either Nettie Struther wailed with a start of recollection You see its my husbands nightshift—hes a motorman—and the friend I leave the baby with has to step upstairs to get HER husbands supper at seven I didnt tell you I had a baby did I Shell be four months old day after tomorrow and to look at her you wouldnt think Id ever had a sick day Id give anything to show you the baby Miss Bart and we live right down the street here—its only three blocks off She lifted her eyes tentatively to Lilys face and then added with a burst of courage Why wont you get right into the cars and come home with me while I get babys supper Its real warm in our kitchen and you can rest there and Ill take YOU home as soon as ever she drops off to sleep
It WAS warm in the kitchen which when Nettie Struthers match had made a flame leap from the gasjet above the table revealed itself to Lily as extraordinarily small and almost miraculously clean A fire shone through the polished flanks of the iron stove and near it stood a crib in which a baby was sitting upright with incipient anxiety struggling for expression on a countenance still placid with sleep
Having passionately celebrated her reunion with her offspring and excused herself in cryptic language for the lateness of her return Nettie restored the baby to the crib and shyly invited Miss Bart to the rockingchair near the stove
Weve got a parlour too she explained with pardonable pride but I guess its warmer in here and I dont want to leave you alone while Im getting babys supper
On receiving Lilys assurance that she much preferred the friendly proximity of the kitchen fire Mrs Struther proceeded to prepare a bottle of infantile food which she tenderly applied to the babys impatient lips and while the ensuing degustation went on she seated herself with a beaming countenance beside her visitor
Youre sure you wont let me warm up a drop of coffee for you Miss Bart Theres some of babys fresh milk left over—well maybe youd rather just sit quiet and rest a little while Its too lovely having you here Ive thought of it so often that I cant believe its really come true Ive said to George again and again I just wish Miss Bart could see me NOW— and I used to watch for your name in the papers and wed talk over what you were doing and read the descriptions of the dresses you wore I havent seen your name for a long time though and I began to be afraid you were sick and it worried me so that George said Id get sick myself fretting about it Her lips broke into a reminiscent smile Well I cant afford to be sick again thats a fact the last spell nearly finished me When you sent me off that time I never thought Id come back alive and I didnt much care if I did You see I didnt know about George and the baby then
She paused to readjust the bottle to the childs bubbling mouth
You precious—dont you be in too much of a hurry Was it mad with mommer for getting its supper so late Marry Antonette—thats what we call her after the French queen in that play at the Garden—I told George the actress reminded me of you and that made me fancy the name … I never thought Id get married you know and Id never have had the heart to go on working just for myself
She broke off again and meeting the encouragement in Lilys eyes went on with a flush rising under her anaemic skin You see I wasnt only just SICK that time you sent me off—I was dreadfully unhappy too Id known a gentleman where I was employed—I dont know as you remember I did typewriting in a big importing firm—and—well—I thought we were to be married hed gone steady with me six months and given me his mothers wedding ring But I presume he was too stylish for me—he travelled for the firm and had seen a great deal of society Work girls arent looked after the way you are and they dont always know how to look after themselves I didnt … and it pretty near killed me when he went away and left off writing …
It was then I came down sick—I thought it was the end of everything I guess it would have been if you hadnt sent me off But when I found I was getting well I began to take heart in spite of myself And then when I got back home George came round and asked me to marry him At first I thought I couldnt because wed been brought up together and I knew he knew about me But after a while I began to see that that made it easier I never could have told another man and Id never have married without telling but if George cared for me enough to have me as I was I didnt see why I shouldnt begin over again—and I did
The strength of the victory shone forth from her as she lifted her irradiated face from the child on her knees But mercy I didnt mean to go on like this about myself with you sitting there looking so fagged out Only its so lovely having you here and letting you see just how youve helped me The baby had sunk back blissfully replete and Mrs Struther softly rose to lay the bottle aside Then she paused before Miss Bart
I only wish I could help YOU—but I suppose theres nothing on earth I could do she murmured wistfully
Lily instead of answering rose with a smile and held out her arms and the mother understanding the gesture laid her child in them
The baby feeling herself detached from her habitual anchorage made an instinctive motion of resistance but the soothing influences of digestion prevailed and Lily felt the soft weight sink trustfully against her breast The childs confidence in its safety thrilled her with a sense of warmth and returning life and she bent over wondering at the rosy blur of the little face the empty clearness of the eyes the vague tendrilly motions of the folding and unfolding fingers At first the burden in her arms seemed as light as a pink cloud or a heap of down but as she continued to hold it the weight increased sinking deeper and penetrating her with a strange sense of weakness as though the child entered into her and became a part of herself
She looked up and saw Netties eyes resting on her with tenderness and exultation
Wouldnt it be too lovely for anything if she could grow up to be just like you Of course I know she never COULD—but mothers are always dreaming the craziest things for their children
Lily clasped the child close for a moment and laid her back in her mothers arms
Oh she must not do that—I should be afraid to come and see her too often she said with a smile and then resisting Mrs Struthers anxious offer of companionship and reiterating the promise that of course she would come back soon and make Georges acquaintance and see the baby in her bath she passed out of the kitchen and went alone down the tenement stairs
As she reached the street she realized that she felt stronger and happier the little episode had done her good It was the first time she had ever come across the results of her spasmodic benevolence and the surprised sense of human fellowship took the mortal chill from her heart
It was not till she entered her own door that she felt the reaction of a deeper loneliness It was long after seven oclock and the light and odours proceeding from the basement made it manifest that the boardinghouse dinner had begun She hastened up to her room lit the gas and began to dress She did not mean to pamper herself any longer to go without food because her surroundings made it unpalatable Since it was her fate to live in a boardinghouse she must learn to fall in with the conditions of the life Nevertheless she was glad that when she descended to the heat and glare of the diningroom the repast was nearly over
In her own room again she was seized with a sudden fever of activity For weeks past she had been too listless and indifferent to set her possessions in order but now she began to examine systematically the contents of her drawers and cupboard She had a few handsome dresses left—survivals of her last phase of splendour on the Sabrina and in London—but when she had been obliged to part with her maid she had given the woman a generous share of her castoff apparel The remaining dresses though they had lost their freshness still kept the long unerring lines the sweep and amplitude of the great artists stroke and as she spread them out on the bed the scenes in which they had been worn rose vividly before her An association lurked in every fold each fall of lace and gleam of embroidery was like a letter in the record of her past She was startled to find how the atmosphere of her old life enveloped her But after all it was the life she had been made for every dawning tendency in her had been carefully directed toward it all her interests and activities had been taught to centre around it She was like some rare flower grown for exhibition a flower from which every bud had been nipped except the crowning blossom of her beauty
Last of all she drew forth from the bottom of her trunk a heap of white drapery which fell shapelessly across her arm It was the Reynolds dress she had worn in the Bry TABLEAUX It had been impossible for her to give it away but she had never seen it since that night and the long flexible folds as she shook them out gave forth an odour of violets which came to her like a breath from the floweredged fountain where she had stood with Lawrence Selden and disowned her fate She put back the dresses one by one laying away with each some gleam of light some note of laughter some stray waft from the rosy shores of pleasure She was still in a state of highlywrought impressionability and every hint of the past sent a lingering tremor along her nerves
She had just closed her trunk on the white folds of the Reynolds dress when she heard a tap at her door and the red fist of the Irish maidservant thrust in a belated letter Carrying it to the light Lily read with surprise the address stamped on the upper corner of the envelope It was a business communication from the office of her aunts executors and she wondered what unexpected development had caused them to break silence before the appointed time She opened the envelope and a cheque fluttered to the floor As she stooped to pick it up the blood rushed to her face The cheque represented the full amount of Mrs Penistons legacy and the letter accompanying it explained that the executors having adjusted the business of the estate with less delay than they had expected had decided to anticipate the date fixed for the payment of the bequests
Lily sat down beside the desk at the foot of her bed and spreading out the cheque read over and over the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS written across it in a steely business hand Ten months earlier the amount it stood for had represented the depths of penury but her standard of values had changed in the interval and now visions of wealth lurked in every flourish of the pen As she continued to gaze at it she felt the glitter of the visions mounting to her brain and after a while she lifted the lid of the desk and slipped the magic formula out of sight It was easier to think without those five figures dancing before her eyes and she had a great deal of thinking to do before she slept
She opened her chequebook and plunged into such anxious calculations as had prolonged her vigil at Bellomont on the night when she had decided to marry Percy Gryce Poverty simplifies bookkeeping and her financial situation was easier to ascertain than it had been then but she had not yet learned the control of money and during her transient phase of luxury at the Emporium she had slipped back into habits of extravagance which still impaired her slender balance A careful examination of her chequebook and of the unpaid bills in her desk showed that when the latter had been settled she would have barely enough to live on for the next three or four months and even after that if she were to continue her present way of living without earning any additional money all incidental expenses must be reduced to the vanishing point She hid her eyes with a shudder beholding herself at the entrance of that evernarrowing perspective down which she had seen Miss Silvertons dowdy figure take its despondent way
It was no longer however from the vision of material poverty that she turned with the greatest shrinking She had a sense of deeper empoverishment—of an inner destitution compared to which outward conditions dwindled into insignificance It was indeed miserable to be poor—to look forward to a shabby anxious middleage leading by dreary degrees of economy and selfdenial to gradual absorption in the dingy communal existence of the boardinghouse But there was something more miserable still—it was the clutch of solitude at her heart the sense of being swept like a stray uprooted growth down the heedless current of the years That was the feeling which possessed her now—the feeling of being something rootless and ephemeral mere spindrift of the whirling surface of existence without anything to which the poor little tentacles of self could cling before the awful flood submerged them And as she looked back she saw that there had never been a time when she had had any real relation to life Her parents too had been rootless blown hither and thither on every wind of fashion without any personal existence to shelter them from its shifting gusts She herself had grown up without any one spot of earth being dearer to her than another there was no centre of early pieties of grave endearing traditions to which her heart could revert and from which it could draw strength for itself and tenderness for others In whatever form a slowlyaccumulated past lives in the blood—whether in the concrete image of the old house stored with visual memories or in the conception of the house not built with hands but made up of inherited passions and loyalties—it has the same power of broadening and deepening the individual existence of attaching it by mysterious links of kinship to all the mighty sum of human striving
Such a vision of the solidarity of life had never before come to Lily She had had a premonition of it in the blind motions of her matinginstinct but they had been checked by the disintegrating influences of the life about her All the men and women she knew were like atoms whirling away from each other in some wild centrifugal dance her first glimpse of the continuity of life had come to her that evening in Nettie Struthers kitchen
The poor little workinggirl who had found strength to gather up the fragments of her life and build herself a shelter with them seemed to Lily to have reached the central truth of existence It was a meagre enough life on the grim edge of poverty with scant margin for possibilities of sickness or mischance but it had the frail audacious permanence of a birds nest built on the edge of a cliff—a mere wisp of leaves and straw yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may hang safely over the abyss
Yes—but it had taken two to build the nest the mans faith as well as the womans courage Lily remembered Netties words I KNEW HE KNEW ABOUT ME Her husbands faith in her had made her renewal possible—it is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be Well—Selden had twice been ready to stake his faith on Lily Bart but the third trial had been too severe for his endurance The very quality of his love had made it the more impossible to recall to life If it had been a simple instinct of the blood the power of her beauty might have revived it But the fact that it struck deeper that it was inextricably wound up with inherited habits of thought and feeling made it as impossible to restore to growth as a deeprooted plant torn from its bed Selden had given her of his best but he was as incapable as herself of an uncritical return to former states of feeling
There remained to her as she had told him the uplifting memory of his faith in her but she had not reached the age when a woman can live on her memories As she held Nettie Struthers child in her arms the frozen currents of youth had loosed themselves and run warm in her veins the old lifehunger possessed her and all her being clamoured for its share of personal happiness Yes—it was happiness she still wanted and the glimpse she had caught of it made everything else of no account One by one she had detached herself from the baser possibilities and she saw that nothing now remained to her but the emptiness of renunciation
It was growing late and an immense weariness once more possessed her It was not the stealing sense of sleep but a vivid wakeful fatigue a wan lucidity of mind against which all the possibilities of the future were shadowed forth gigantically She was appalled by the intense cleanness of the vision she seemed to have broken through the merciful veil which intervenes between intention and action and to see exactly what she would do in all the long days to come There was the cheque in her desk for instance—she meant to use it in paying her debt to Trenor but she foresaw that when the morning came she would put off doing so would slip into gradual tolerance of the debt The thought terrified her—she dreaded to fall from the height of her last moment with Lawrence Selden But how could she trust herself to keep her footing She knew the strength of the opposing impulsesshe could feel the countless hands of habit dragging her back into some fresh compromise with fate She felt an intense longing to prolong to perpetuate the momentary exaltation of her spirit If only life could end now—end on this tragic yet sweet vision of lost possibilities which gave her a sense of kinship with all the loving and foregoing in the world
She reached out suddenly and drawing the cheque from her writingdesk enclosed it in an envelope which she addressed to her bank She then wrote out a cheque for Trenor and placing it without an accompanying word in an envelope inscribed with his name laid the two letters side by side on her desk After that she continued to sit at the table sorting her papers and writing till the intense silence of the house reminded her of the lateness of the hour In the street the noise of wheels had ceased and the rumble of the elevated came only at long intervals through the deep unnatural hush In the mysterious nocturnal separation from all outward signs of life she felt herself more strangely confronted with her fate The sensation made her brain reel and she tried to shut out consciousness by pressing her hands against her eyes But the terrible silence and emptiness seemed to symbolize her future—she felt as though the house the street the world were all empty and she alone left sentient in a lifeless universe
But this was the verge of delirium … she had never hung so near the dizzy brink of the unreal Sleep was what she wanted—she remembered that she had not closed her eyes for two nights The little bottle was at her bedside waiting to lay its spell upon her She rose and undressed hastily hungering now for the touch of her pillow She felt so profoundly tired that she thought she must fall asleep at once but as soon as she had lain down every nerve started once more into separate wakefulness It was as though a great blaze of electric light had been turned on in her head and her poor little anguished self shrank and cowered in it without knowing where to take refuge
She had not imagined that such a multiplication of wakefulness was possible her whole past was reenacting itself at a hundred different points of consciousness Where was the drug that could still this legion of insurgent nerves The sense of exhaustion would have been sweet compared to this shrill beat of activities but weariness had dropped from her as though some cruel stimulant had been forced into her veins
She could bear it—yes she could bear it but what strength would be left her the next day Perspective had disappeared—the next day pressed close upon her and on its heels came the days that were to follow—they swarmed about her like a shrieking mob She must shut them out for a few hours she must take a brief bath of oblivion She put out her hand and measured the soothing drops into a glass but as she did so she knew they would be powerless against the supernatural lucidity of her brain She had long since raised the dose to its highest limit but tonight she felt she must increase it She knew she took a slight risk in doing so—she remembered the chemists warning If sleep came at all it might be a sleep without waking But after all that was but one chance in a hundred the action of the drug was incalculable and the addition of a few drops to the regular dose would probably do no more than procure for her the rest she so desperately needed
She did not in truth consider the question very closely—the physical craving for sleep was her only sustained sensation Her mind shrank from the glare of thought as instinctively as eyes contract in a blaze of light—darkness darkness was what she must have at any cost She raised herself in bed and swallowed the contents of the glass then she blew out her candle and lay down
She lay very still waiting with a sensuous pleasure for the first effects of the soporific She knew in advance what form they would take—the gradual cessation of the inner throb the soft approach of passiveness as though an invisible hand made magic passes over her in the darkness The very slowness and hesitancy of the effect increased its fascination it was delicious to lean over and look down into the dim abysses of unconsciousness Tonight the drug seemed to work more slowly than usual each passionate pulse had to be stilled in turn and it was long before she felt them dropping into abeyance like sentinels falling asleep at their posts But gradually the sense of complete subjugation came over her and she wondered languidly what had made her feel so uneasy and excited She saw now that there was nothing to be excited about—she had returned to her normal view of life Tomorrow would not be so difficult after all she felt sure that she would have the strength to meet it She did not quite remember what it was that she had been afraid to meet but the uncertainty no longer troubled her She had been unhappy and now she was happy—she had felt herself alone and now the sense of loneliness had vanished
She stirred once and turned on her side and as she did so she suddenly understood why she did not feel herself alone It was odd—but Nettie Struthers child was lying on her arm she felt the pressure of its little head against her shoulder She did not know how it had come there but she felt no great surprise at the fact only a gentle penetrating thrill of warmth and pleasure She settled herself into an easier position hollowing her arm to pillow the round downy head and holding her breath lest a sound should disturb the sleeping child
As she lay there she said to herself that there was something she must tell Selden some word she had found that should make life clear between them She tried to repeat the word which lingered vague and luminous on the far edge of thought—she was afraid of not remembering it when she woke and if she could only remember it and say it to him she felt that everything would be well
Slowly the thought of the word faded and sleep began to enfold her She struggled faintly against it feeling that she ought to keep awake on account of the baby but even this feeling was gradually lost in an indistinct sense of drowsy peace through which of a sudden a dark flash of loneliness and terror tore its way
She started up again cold and trembling with the shock for a moment she seemed to have lost her hold of the child But no—she was mistaken—the tender pressure of its body was still close to hers the recovered warmth flowed through her once more she yielded to it sank into it and slept
Chapter 14
The next morning rose mild and bright with a promise of summer in the air The sunlight slanted joyously down Lilys street mellowed the blistered housefront gilded the paintless railings of the doorstep and struck prismatic glories from the panes of her darkened window
When such a day coincides with the inner mood there is intoxication in its breath and Selden hastening along the street through the squalor of its morning confidences felt himself thrilling with a youthful sense of adventure He had cut loose from the familiar shores of habit and launched himself on uncharted seas of emotion all the old tests and measures were left behind and his course was to be shaped by new stars
That course for the moment led merely to Miss Barts boardinghouse but its shabby doorstep had suddenly become the threshold of the untried As he approached he looked up at the triple row of windows wondering boyishly which one of them was hers It was nine oclock and the house being tenanted by workers already showed an awakened front to the street He remembered afterward having noticed that only one blind was down He noticed too that there was a pot of pansies on one of the window sills and at once concluded that the window must be hers it was inevitable that he should connect her with the one touch of beauty in the dingy scene
Nine oclock was an early hour for a visit but Selden had passed beyond all such conventional observances He only knew that he must see Lily Bart at once—he had found the word he meant to say to her and it could not wait another moment to be said It was strange that it had not come to his lips sooner—that he had let her pass from him the evening before without being able to speak it But what did that matter now that a new day had come It was not a word for twilight but for the morning
Selden ran eagerly up the steps and pulled the bell and even in his state of selfabsorption it came as a sharp surprise to him that the door should open so promptly It was still more of a surprise to see as he entered that it had been opened by Gerty Farish—and that behind her in an agitated blur several other figures ominously loomed
Lawrence Gerty cried in a strange voice how could you get here so quickly—and the trembling hand she laid on him seemed instantly to close about his heart
He noticed the other faces vague with fear and conjecture—he saw the landladys imposing bulk sway professionally toward him but he shrank back putting up his hand while his eyes mechanically mounted the steep black walnut stairs up which he was immediately aware that his cousin was about to lead him
A voice in the background said that the doctor might be back at any minute—and that nothing upstairs was to be disturbed Some one else exclaimed It was the greatest mercy— then Selden felt that Gerty had taken him gently by the hand and that they were to be suffered to go up alone
In silence they mounted the three flights and walked along the passage to a closed door Gerty opened the door and Selden went in after her Though the blind was down the irresistible sunlight poured a tempered golden flood into the room and in its light Selden saw a narrow bed along the wall and on the bed with motionless hands and calm unrecognizing face the semblance of Lily Bart
That it was her real self every pulse in him ardently denied Her real self had lain warm on his heart but a few hours earlier—what had he to do with this estranged and tranquil face which for the first time neither paled nor brightened at his coming
Gerty strangely tranquil too with the conscious selfcontrol of one who has ministered to much pain stood by the bed speaking gently as if transmitting a final message
The doctor found a bottle of chloral—she had been sleeping badly for a long time and she must have taken an overdose by mistake There is no doubt of that—no doubt—there will be no question—he has been very kind I told him that you and I would like to be left alone with her—to go over her things before any one else comes I know it is what she would have wished
Selden was hardly conscious of what she said He stood looking down on the sleeping face which seemed to lie like a delicate impalpable mask over the living lineaments he had known He felt that the real Lily was still there close to him yet invisible and inaccessible and the tenuity of the barrier between them mocked him with a sense of helplessness There had never been more than a little impalpable barrier between them—and yet he had suffered it to keep them apart And now though it seemed slighter and frailer than ever it had suddenly hardened to adamant and he might beat his life out against it in vain
He had dropped on his knees beside the bed but a touch from Gerty aroused him He stood up and as their eyes met he was struck by the extraordinary light in his cousins face
You understand what the doctor has gone for He has promised that there shall be no trouble—but of course the formalities must be gone through And I asked him to give us time to look through her things first——
He nodded and she glanced about the small bare room It wont take long she concluded
No—it wont take long he agreed
She held his hand in hers a moment longer and then with a last look at the bed moved silently toward the door On the threshold she paused to add You will find me downstairs if you want me
Selden roused himself to detain her But why are you going She would have wished——
Gerty shook her head with a smile No this is what she would have wished—— and as she spoke a light broke through Seldens stony misery and he saw deep into the hidden things of love
The door closed on Gerty and he stood alone with the motionless sleeper on the bed His impulse was to return to her side to fall on his knees and rest his throbbing head against the peaceful cheek on the pillow They had never been at peace together they two and now he felt himself drawn downward into the strange mysterious depths of her tranquillity
But he remembered Gertys warning words—he knew that though time had ceased in this room its feet were hastening relentlessly toward the door Gerty had given him this supreme halfhour and he must use it as she willed
He turned and looked about him sternly compelling himself to regain his consciousness of outward things There was very little furniture in the room The shabby chest of drawers was spread with a lace cover and set out with a few goldtopped boxes and bottles a rosecoloured pincushion a glass tray strewn with tortoiseshell hairpins—he shrank from the poignant intimacy of these trifles and from the blank surface of the toiletmirror above them
These were the only traces of luxury of that clinging to the minute observance of personal seemliness which showed what her other renunciations must have cost There was no other token of her personality about the room unless it showed itself in the scrupulous neatness of the scant articles of furniture a washingstand two chairs a small writingdesk and the little table near the bed On this table stood the empty bottle and glass and from these also he averted his eyes
The desk was closed but on its slanting lid lay two letters which he took up One bore the address of a bank and as it was stamped and sealed Selden after a moments hesitation laid it aside On the other letter he read Gus Trenors name and the flap of the envelope was still ungummed
Temptation leapt on him like the stab of a knife He staggered under it steadying himself against the desk Why had she been writing to Trenor—writing presumably just after their parting of the previous evening The thought unhallowed the memory of that last hour made a mock of the word he had come to speak and defiled even the reconciling silence upon which it fell He felt himself flung back on all the ugly uncertainties from which he thought he had cast loose forever After all what did he know of her life Only as much as she had chosen to show him and measured by the worlds estimate how little that was By what right—the letter in his hand seemed to ask—by what right was it he who now passed into her confidence through the gate which death had left unbarred His heart cried out that it was by right of their last hour together the hour when she herself had placed the key in his hand Yes—but what if the letter to Trenor had been written afterward
He put it from him with sudden loathing and setting his lips addressed himself resolutely to what remained of his task After all that task would be easier to perform now that his personal stake in it was annulled
He raised the lid of the desk and saw within it a chequebook and a few packets of bills and letters arranged with the orderly precision which characterized all her personal habits He looked through the letters first because it was the most difficult part of the work They proved to be few and unimportant but among them he found with a strange commotion of the heart the note he had written her the day after the Brys entertainment
When may I come to you—his words overwhelmed him with a realization of the cowardice which had driven him from her at the very moment of attainment Yes—he had always feared his fate and he was too honest to disown his cowardice now for had not all his old doubts started to life again at the mere sight of Trenors name
He laid the note in his cardcase folding it away carefully as something made precious by the fact that she had held it so then growing once more aware of the lapse of time he continued his examination of the papers
To his surprise he found that all the bills were receipted there was not an unpaid account among them He opened the chequebook and saw that the very night before a cheque of ten thousand dollars from Mrs Penistons executors had been entered in it The legacy then had been paid sooner than Gerty had led him to expect But turning another page or two he discovered with astonishment that in spite of this recent accession of funds the balance had already declined to a few dollars A rapid glance at the stubs of the last cheques all of which bore the date of the previous day showed that between four or five hundred dollars of the legacy had been spent in the settlement of bills while the remaining thousands were comprehended in one cheque made out at the same time to Charles Augustus Trenor
Selden laid the book aside and sank into the chair beside the desk He leaned his elbows on it and hid his face in his hands The bitter waters of life surged high about him their sterile taste was on his lips Did the cheque to Trenor explain the mystery or deepen it At first his mind refused to act—he felt only the taint of such a transaction between a man like Trenor and a girl like Lily Bart Then gradually his troubled vision cleared old hints and rumours came back to him and out of the very insinuations he had feared to probe he constructed an explanation of the mystery It was true then that she had taken money from Trenor but true also as the contents of the little desk declared that the obligation had been intolerable to her and that at the first opportunity she had freed herself from it though the act left her face to face with bare unmitigated poverty
That was all he knew—all he could hope to unravel of the story The mute lips on the pillow refused him more than this—unless indeed they had told him the rest in the kiss they had left upon his forehead Yes he could now read into that farewell all that his heart craved to find there he could even draw from it courage not to accuse himself for having failed to reach the height of his opportunity
He saw that all the conditions of life had conspired to keep them apart since his very detachment from the external influences which swayed her had increased his spiritual fastidiousness and made it more difficult for him to live and love uncritically But at least he HAD loved her—had been willing to stake his future on his faith in her—and if the moment had been fated to pass from them before they could seize it he saw now that for both it had been saved whole out of the ruin of their lives
It was this moment of love this fleeting victory over themselves which had kept them from atrophy and extinction which in her had reached out to him in every struggle against the influence of her surroundings and in him had kept alive the faith that now drew him penitent and reconciled to her side
He knelt by the bed and bent over her draining their last moment to its lees and in the silence there passed between them the word which made all clear
THE END