MARIA
or
The Wrongs of Woman
by MARY WOLLSTONECRAFT
MARIA
or
The Wrongs of Woman
AUTHORS PREFACE
THE WRONGS OF WOMAN like the wrongs of the oppressed part of mankind may be deemed necessary by their oppressors but surely there are a few who will dare to advance before the improvement of the age and grant that my sketches are not the abortion of a distempered fancy or the strong delineations of a wounded heart
In writing this novel I have rather endeavoured to pourtray passions than manners
In many instances I could have made the incidents more dramatic would I have sacrificed my main object the desire of exhibiting the misery and oppression peculiar to women that arise out of the partial laws and customs of society
In the invention of the story this view restrained my fancy and the history ought rather to be considered as of woman than of an individual
The sentiments I have embodied
In many works of this species the hero is allowed to be mortal and to become wise and virtuous as well as happy by a train of events and circumstances The heroines on the contrary are to be born immaculate and to act like goddesses of wisdom just come forth highly finished Minervas from the head of Jove
The following is an extract of a letter from the author to a friend to whom she communicated her manuscript
For my part I cannot suppose any situation more distressing than for a woman of sensibility with an improving mind to be bound to such a man as I have described for life obliged to renounce all the humanizing affections and to avoid cultivating her taste lest her perception of grace and refinement of sentiment should sharpen to agony the pangs of disappointment Love in which the imagination mingles its bewitching colouring must be fostered by delicacy I should despise or rather call her an ordinary woman who could endure such a husband as I have sketched
These appear to me matrimonial despotism of heart and conduct to be the peculiar Wrongs of Woman because they degrade the mind What are termed great misfortunes may more forcibly impress the mind of common readers they have more of what may justly be termed stageeffect but it is the delineation of finer sensations which in my opinion constitutes the merit of our best novels This is what I have in view and to show the wrongs of different classes of women equally oppressive though from the difference of education necessarily various
CHAPTER 1
ABODES OF HORROR have frequently been described and castles filled with spectres and chimeras conjured up by the magic spell of genius to harrow the soul and absorb the wondering mind But formed of such stuff as dreams are made of what were they to the mansion of despair in one corner of which Maria sat endeavouring to recall her scattered thoughts
Surprise astonishment that bordered on distraction seemed to have suspended her faculties till waking by degrees to a keen sense of anguish a whirlwind of rage and indignation roused her torpid pulse One recollection with frightful velocity following another threatened to fire her brain and make her a fit companion for the terrific inhabitants whose groans and shrieks were no unsubstantial sounds of whistling winds or startled birds modulated by a romantic fancy which amuse while they affright but such tones of misery as carry a dreadful certainty directly to the heart What effect must they then have produced on one true to the touch of sympathy and tortured by maternal apprehension
Her infants image was continually floating on Marias sight and the first smile of intelligence remembered as none but a mother an unhappy mother can conceive She heard her half speaking half cooing and felt the little twinkling fingers on her burning bosom—a bosom bursting with the nutriment for which this cherished child might now be pining in vain From a stranger she could indeed receive the maternal aliment Maria was grieved at the thought—but who would watch her with a mothers tenderness a mothers selfdenial
The retreating shadows of former sorrows rushed back in a gloomy train and seemed to be pictured on the walls of her prison magnified by the state of mind in which they were viewed—Still she mourned for her child lamented she was a daughter and anticipated the aggravated ills of life that her sex rendered almost inevitable even while dreading she was no more To think that she was blotted out of existence was agony when the imagination had been long employed to expand her faculties yet to suppose her turned adrift on an unknown sea was scarcely less afflicting
After being two days the prey of impetuous varying emotions Maria began to reflect more calmly on her present situation for she had actually been rendered incapable of sober reflection by the discovery of the act of atrocity of which she was the victim She could not have imagined that in all the fermentation of civilized depravity a similar plot could have entered a human mind She had been stunned by an unexpected blow yet life however joyless was not to be indolently resigned or misery endured without exertion and proudly termed patience She had hitherto meditated only to point the dart of anguish and suppressed the heart heavings of indignant nature merely by the force of contempt Now she endeavoured to brace her mind to fortitude and to ask herself what was to be her employment in her dreary cell Was it not to effect her escape to fly to the succour of her child and to baffle the selfish schemes of her tyrant—her husband
These thoughts roused her sleeping spirit and the selfpossession returned that seemed to have abandoned her in the infernal solitude into which she had been precipitated The first emotions of overwhelming impatience began to subside and resentment gave place to tenderness and more tranquil meditation though anger once more stopt the calm current of reflection when she attempted to move her manacled arms But this was an outrage that could only excite momentary feelings of scorn which evaporated in a faint smile for Maria was far from thinking a personal insult the most difficult to endure with magnanimous indifference
She approached the small grated window of her chamber and for a considerable time only regarded the blue expanse though it commanded a view of a desolate garden and of part of a huge pile of buildings that after having been suffered for half a century to fall to decay had undergone some clumsy repairs merely to render it habitable The ivy had been torn off the turrets and the stones not wanted to patch up the breaches of time and exclude the warring elements left in heaps in the disordered court Maria contemplated this scene she knew not how long or rather gazed on the walls and pondered on her situation To the master of this most horrid of prisons she had soon after her entrance raved of injustice in accents that would have justified his treatment had not a malignant smile when she appealed to his judgment with a dreadful conviction stifled her remonstrating complaints By force or openly what could be done But surely some expedient might occur to an active mind without any other employment and possessed of sufficient resolution to put the risk of life into the balance with the chance of freedom
A woman entered in the midst of these reflections with a firm deliberate step strongly marked features and large black eyes which she fixed steadily on Marias as if she designed to intimidate her saying at the same time You had better sit down and eat your dinner than look at the clouds
I have no appetite replied Maria who had previously determined to speak mildly why then should I eat
But in spite of that you must and shall eat something I have had many ladies under my care who have resolved to starve themselves but soon or late they gave up their intent as they recovered their senses
Do you really think me mad asked Maria meeting the searching glance of her eye
Not just now But what does that prove—Only that you must be the more carefully watched for appearing at times so reasonable You have not touched a morsel since you entered the house—Maria sighed intelligibly—Could any thing but madness produce such a disgust for food
Yes grief you would not ask the question if you knew what it was The attendant shook her head and a ghastly smile of desperate fortitude served as a forcible reply and made Maria pause before she added—Yet I will take some refreshment I mean not to die—No I will preserve my senses and convince even you sooner than you are aware of that my intellects have never been disturbed though the exertion of them may have been suspended by some infernal drug
Doubt gathered still thicker on the brow of her guard as she attempted to convict her of mistake
Have patience exclaimed Maria with a solemnity that inspired awe My God how have I been schooled into the practice A suffocation of voice betrayed the agonizing emotions she was labouring to keep down and conquering a qualm of disgust she calmly endeavoured to eat enough to prove her docility perpetually turning to the suspicious female whose observation she courted while she was making the bed and adjusting the room
Come to me often said Maria with a tone of persuasion in consequence of a vague plan that she had hastily adopted when after surveying this womans form and features she felt convinced that she had an understanding above the common standard and believe me mad till you are obliged to acknowledge the contrary The woman was no fool that is she was superior to her class nor had misery quite petrified the lifesblood of humanity to which reflections on our own misfortunes only give a more orderly course The manner rather than the expostulations of Maria made a slight suspicion dart into her mind with corresponding sympathy which various other avocations and the habit of banishing compunction prevented her for the present from examining more minutely
But when she was told that no person excepting the physician appointed by her family was to be permitted to see the lady at the end of the gallery she opened her keen eyes still wider and uttered a—hem before she enquired—Why She was briefly told in reply that the malady was hereditary and the fits not occurring but at very long and irregular intervals she must be carefully watched for the length of these lucid periods only rendered her more mischievous when any vexation or caprice brought on the paroxysm of phrensy
Had her master trusted her it is probable that neither pity nor curiosity would have made her swerve from the straight line of her interest for she had suffered too much in her intercourse with mankind not to determine to look for support rather to humouring their passions than courting their approbation by the integrity of her conduct A deadly blight had met her at the very threshold of existence and the wretchedness of her mother seemed a heavy weight fastened on her innocent neck to drag her down to perdition She could not heroically determine to succour an unfortunate but offended at the bare supposition that she could be deceived with the same ease as a common servant she no longer curbed her curiosity and though she never seriously fathomed her own intentions she would sit every moment she could steal from observation listening to the tale which Maria was eager to relate with all the persuasive eloquence of grief
It is so cheering to see a human face even if little of the divinity of virtue beam in it that Maria anxiously expected the return of the attendant as of a gleam of light to break the gloom of idleness Indulged sorrow she perceived must blunt or sharpen the faculties to the two opposite extremes producing stupidity the moping melancholy of indolence or the restless activity of a disturbed imagination She sunk into one state after being fatigued by the other till the want of occupation became even more painful than the actual pressure or apprehension of sorrow and the confinement that froze her into a nook of existence with an unvaried prospect before her the most insupportable of evils The lamp of life seemed to be spending itself to chase the vapours of a dungeon which no art could dissipate—And to what purpose did she rally all her energy—Was not the world a vast prison and women born slaves
Though she failed immediately to rouse a lively sense of injustice in the mind of her guard because it had been sophisticated into misanthropy she touched her heart Jemima she had only a claim to a Christian name which had not procured her any Christian privileges could patiently hear of Marias confinement on false pretences she had felt the crushing hand of power hardened by the exercise of injustice and ceased to wonder at the perversions of the understanding which systematize oppression but when told that her child only four months old had been torn from her even while she was discharging the tenderest maternal office the woman awoke in a bosom long estranged from feminine emotions and Jemima determined to alleviate all in her power without hazarding the loss of her place the sufferings of a wretched mother apparently injured and certainly unhappy A sense of right seems to result from the simplest act of reason and to preside over the faculties of the mind like the mastersense of feeling to rectify the rest but for the comparison may be carried still farther how often is the exquisite sensibility of both weakened or destroyed by the vulgar occupations and ignoble pleasures of life
The preserving her situation was indeed an important object to Jemima who had been hunted from hole to hole as if she had been a beast of prey or infected with a moral plague The wages she received the greater part of which she hoarded as her only chance for independence were much more considerable than she could reckon on obtaining any where else were it possible that she an outcast from society could be permitted to earn a subsistence in a reputable family Hearing Maria perpetually complain of listlessness and the not being able to beguile grief by resuming her customary pursuits she was easily prevailed on by compassion and that involuntary respect for abilities which those who possess them can never eradicate to bring her some books and implements for writing Marias conversation had amused and interested her and the natural consequence was a desire scarcely observed by herself of obtaining the esteem of a person she admired The remembrance of better days was rendered more lively and the sentiments then acquired appearing less romantic than they had for a long period a spark of hope roused her mind to new activity
How grateful was her attention to Maria Oppressed by a dead weight of existence or preyed on by the gnawing worm of discontent with what eagerness did she endeavour to shorten the long days which left no traces behind She seemed to be sailing on the vast ocean of life without seeing any landmark to indicate the progress of time to find employment was then to find variety the animating principle of nature
CHAPTER 2
EARNESTLY as Maria endeavoured to soothe by reading the anguish of her wounded mind her thoughts would often wander from the subject she was led to discuss and tears of maternal tenderness obscured the reasoning page She descanted on the ills which flesh is heir to with bitterness when the recollection of her babe was revived by a tale of fictitious woe that bore any resemblance to her own and her imagination was continually employed to conjure up and embody the various phantoms of misery which folly and vice had let loose on the world The loss of her babe was the tender string against other cruel remembrances she laboured to steel her bosom and even a ray of hope in the midst of her gloomy reveries would sometimes gleam on the dark horizon of futurity while persuading herself that she ought to cease to hope since happiness was no where to be found—But of her child debilitated by the grief with which its mother had been assailed before it saw the light she could not think without an impatient struggle
I alone by my active tenderness could have saved she would exclaim from an early blight this sweet blossom and cherishing it I should have had something still to love
In proportion as other expectations were torn from her this tender one had been fondly clung to and knit into her heart
The books she had obtained were soon devoured by one who had no other resource to escape from sorrow and the feverish dreams of ideal wretchedness or felicity which equally weaken the intoxicated sensibility Writing was then the only alternative and she wrote some rhapsodies descriptive of the state of her mind but the events of her past life pressing on her she resolved circumstantially to relate them with the sentiments that experience and more matured reason would naturally suggest They might perhaps instruct her daughter and shield her from the misery the tyranny her mother knew not how to avoid
This thought gave life to her diction her soul flowed into it and she soon found the task of recollecting almost obliterated impressions very interesting She lived again in the revived emotions of youth and forgot her present in the retrospect of sorrows that had assumed an unalterable character
Though this employment lightened the weight of time yet never losing sight of her main object Maria did not allow any opportunity to slip of winning on the affections of Jemima for she discovered in her a strength of mind that excited her esteem clouded as it was by the misanthropy of despair
An insulated being from the misfortune of her birth she despised and preyed on the society by which she had been oppressed and loved not her fellowcreatures because she had never been beloved No mother had ever fondled her no father or brother had protected her from outrage and the man who had plunged her into infamy and deserted her when she stood in greatest need of support deigned not to smooth with kindness the road to ruin Thus degraded was she let loose on the world and virtue never nurtured by affection assumed the stern aspect of selfish independence
This general view of her life Maria gathered from her exclamations and dry remarks Jemima indeed displayed a strange mixture of interest and suspicion for she would listen to her with earnestness and then suddenly interrupt the conversation as if afraid of resigning by giving way to her sympathy her dearbought knowledge of the world
Maria alluded to the possibility of an escape and mentioned a compensation or reward but the style in which she was repulsed made her cautious and determine not to renew the subject till she knew more of the character she had to work on Jemimas countenance and dark hints seemed to say You are an extraordinary woman but let me consider this may only be one of your lucid intervals Nay the very energy of Marias character made her suspect that the extraordinary animation she perceived might be the effect of madness Should her husband then substantiate his charge and get possession of her estate from whence would come the promised annuity or more desired protection Besides might not a woman anxious to escape conceal some of the circumstances which made against her Was truth to be expected from one who had been entrapped kidnapped in the most fraudulent manner
In this train Jemima continued to argue the moment after compassion and respect seemed to make her swerve and she still resolved not to be wrought on to do more than soften the rigour of confinement till she could advance on surer ground
Maria was not permitted to walk in the garden but sometimes from her window she turned her eyes from the gloomy walls in which she pined life away on the poor wretches who strayed along the walks and contemplated the most terrific of ruins—that of a human soul What is the view of the fallen column the mouldering arch of the most exquisite workmanship when compared with this living memento of the fragility the instability of reason and the wild luxuriancy of noxious passions Enthusiasm turned adrift like some rich stream overflowing its banks rushes forward with destructive velocity inspiring a sublime concentration of thought Thus thought Maria—These are the ravages over which humanity must ever mournfully ponder with a degree of anguish not excited by crumbling marble or cankering brass unfaithful to the trust of monumental fame It is not over the decaying productions of the mind embodied with the happiest art we grieve most bitterly The view of what has been done by man produces a melancholy yet aggrandizing sense of what remains to be achieved by human intellect but a mental convulsion which like the devastation of an earthquake throws all the elements of thought and imagination into confusion makes contemplation giddy and we fearfully ask on what ground we ourselves stand
Melancholy and imbecility marked the features of the wretches allowed to breathe at large for the frantic those who in a strong imagination had lost a sense of woe were closely confined The playful tricks and mischievous devices of their disturbed fancy that suddenly broke out could not be guarded against when they were permitted to enjoy any portion of freedom for so active was their imagination that every new object which accidentally struck their senses awoke to phrenzy their restless passions as Maria learned from the burden of their incessant ravings
Sometimes with a strict injunction of silence Jemima would allow Maria at the close of evening to stray along the narrow avenues that separated the dungeonlike apartments leaning on her arm What a change of scene Maria wished to pass the threshold of her prison yet when by chance she met the eye of rage glaring on her yet unfaithful to its office she shrunk back with more horror and affright than if she had stumbled over a mangled corpse Her busy fancy pictured the misery of a fond heart watching over a friend thus estranged absent though present—over a poor wretch lost to reason and the social joys of existence and losing all consciousness of misery in its excess What a task to watch the light of reason quivering in the eye or with agonizing expectation to catch the beam of recollection tantalized by hope only to feel despair more keenly at finding a much loved face or voice suddenly remembered or pathetically implored only to be immediately forgotten or viewed with indifference or abhorrence
The heartrending sigh of melancholy sunk into her soul and when she retired to rest the petrified figures she had encountered the only human forms she was doomed to observe haunting her dreams with tales of mysterious wrongs made her wish to sleep to dream no more
Day after day rolled away and tedious as the present moment appeared they passed in such an unvaried tenor Maria was surprised to find that she had already been six weeks buried alive and yet had such faint hopes of effecting her enlargement She was earnestly as she had sought for employment now angry with herself for having been amused by writing her narrative and grieved to think that she had for an instant thought of any thing but contriving to escape
Jemima had evidently pleasure in her society still though she often left her with a glow of kindness she returned with the same chilling air and when her heart appeared for a moment to open some suggestion of reason forcibly closed it before she could give utterance to the confidence Marias conversation inspired
Discouraged by these changes Maria relapsed into despondency when she was cheered by the alacrity with which Jemima brought her a fresh parcel of books assuring her that she had taken some pains to obtain them from one of the keepers who attended a gentleman confined in the opposite corner of the gallery
Maria took up the books with emotion They come said she perhaps from a wretch condemned like me to reason on the nature of madness by having wrecked minds continually under his eye and almost to wish himself—as I do—mad to escape from the contemplation of it Her heart throbbed with sympathetic alarm and she turned over the leaves with awe as if they had become sacred from passing through the hands of an unfortunate being oppressed by a similar fate
Drydens Fables Miltons Paradise Lost with several modern productions composed the collection It was a mine of treasure Some marginal notes in Drydens Fables caught her attention they were written with force and taste and in one of the modern pamphlets there was a fragment left containing various observations on the present state of society and government with a comparative view of the politics of Europe and America These remarks were written with a degree of generous warmth when alluding to the enslaved state of the labouring majority perfectly in unison with Marias mode of thinking
She read them over and over again and fancy treacherous fancy began to sketch a character congenial with her own from these shadowy outlines—Was he mad She reperused the marginal notes and they seemed the production of an animated but not of a disturbed imagination Confined to this speculation every time she reread them some fresh refinement of sentiment or acuteness of thought impressed her which she was astonished at herself for not having before observed
What a creative power has an affectionate heart There are beings who cannot live without loving as poets love and who feel the electric spark of genius wherever it awakens sentiment or grace Maria had often thought when disciplining her wayward heart that to charm was to be virtuous They who make me wish to appear the most amiable and good in their eyes must possess in a degree she would exclaim the graces and virtues they call into action
She took up a book on the powers of the human mind but her attention strayed from cold arguments on the nature of what she felt while she was feeling and she snapt the chain of the theory to read Drydens Guiscard and Sigismunda
Maria in the course of the ensuing day returned some of the books with the hope of getting others—and more marginal notes Thus shut out from human intercourse and compelled to view nothing but the prison of vexed spirits to meet a wretch in the same situation was more surely to find a friend than to imagine a countryman one in a strange land where the human voice conveys no information to the eager ear
Did you ever see the unfortunate being to whom these books belong asked Maria when Jemima brought her slipper Yes He sometimes walks out between five and six before the family is stirring in the morning with two keepers but even then his hands are confined
What is he so unruly enquired Maria with an accent of disappointment
No not that I perceive replied Jemima but he has an untamed look a vehemence of eye that excites apprehension Were his hands free he looks as if he could soon manage both his guards yet he appears tranquil
If he be so strong he must be young observed Maria
Three or four and thirty I suppose but there is no judging of a person in his situation
Are you sure that he is mad interrupted Maria with eagerness Jemima quitted the room without replying
No no he certainly is not exclaimed Maria answering herself the man who could write those observations was not disordered in his intellects
She sat musing gazing at the moon and watching its motion as it seemed to glide under the clouds Then preparing for bed she thought Of what use could I be to him or he to me if it be true that he is unjustly confined—Could he aid me to escape who is himself more closely watched—Still I should like to see him She went to bed dreamed of her child yet woke exactly at half after five oclock and starting up only wrapped a gown around her and ran to the window The morning was chill it was the latter end of September yet she did not retire to warm herself and think in bed till the sound of the servants moving about the house convinced her that the unknown would not walk in the garden that morning She was ashamed at feeling disappointed and began to reflect as an excuse to herself on the little objects which attract attention when there is nothing to divert the mind and how difficult it was for women to avoid growing romantic who have no active duties or pursuits
At breakfast Jemima enquired whether she understood French for unless she did the strangers stock of books was exhausted Maria replied in the affirmative but forbore to ask any more questions respecting the person to whom they belonged And Jemima gave her a new subject for contemplation by describing the person of a lovely maniac just brought into an adjoining chamber She was singing the pathetic ballad of old Rob with the most heartmelting falls and pauses Jemima had halfopened the door when she distinguished her voice and Maria stood close to it scarcely daring to respire lest a modulation should escape her so exquisitely sweet so passionately wild She began with sympathy to pourtray to herself another victim when the lovely warbler flew as it were from the spray and a torrent of unconnected exclamations and questions burst from her interrupted by fits of laughter so horrid that Maria shut the door and turning her eyes up to heaven exclaimed—Gracious God
A blank space about ten characters in length occurs here
in the original edition Publishers note
Several minutes elapsed before Maria could enquire respecting the rumour of the house for this poor wretch was obviously not confined without a cause and then Jemima could only tell her that it was said she had been married against her inclination to a rich old man extremely jealous no wonder for she was a charming creature and that in consequence of his treatment or something which hung on her mind she had during her first lyingin lost her senses
What a subject of meditation—even to the very confines of madness
Woman fragile flower why were you suffered to adorn a world exposed to the inroad of such stormy elements thought Maria while the poor maniacs strain was still breathing on her ear and sinking into her very soul
Towards the evening Jemima brought her Rousseaus Heloise and she sat reading with eyes and heart till the return of her guard to extinguish the light One instance of her kindness was the permitting Maria to have one till her own hour of retiring to rest She had read this work long since but now it seemed to open a new world to her—the only one worth inhabiting Sleep was not to be wooed yet far from being fatigued by the restless rotation of thought she rose and opened her window just as the thin watery clouds of twilight made the long silent shadows visible The air swept across her face with a voluptuous freshness that thrilled to her heart awakening indefinable emotions and the sound of a waving branch or the twittering of a startled bird alone broke the stillness of reposing nature Absorbed by the sublime sensibility which renders the consciousness of existence felicity Maria was happy till an autumnal scent wafted by the breeze of morn from the fallen leaves of the adjacent wood made her recollect that the season had changed since her confinement yet life afforded no variety to solace an afflicted heart She returned dispirited to her couch and thought of her child till the broad glare of day again invited her to the window She looked not for the unknown still how great was her vexation at perceiving the back of a man certainly he with his two attendants as he turned into a sidepath which led to the house A confused recollection of having seen somebody who resembled him immediately occurred to puzzle and torment her with endless conjectures Five minutes sooner and she should have seen his face and been out of suspense—was ever any thing so unlucky His steady bold step and the whole air of his person bursting as it were from a cloud pleased her and gave an outline to the imagination to sketch the individual form she wished to recognize
Feeling the disappointment more severely than she was willing to believe she flew to Rousseau as her only refuge from the idea of him who might prove a friend could she but find a way to interest him in her fate still the personification of Saint Preux or of an ideal lover far superior was after this imperfect model of which merely a glance had been caught even to the minutiae of the coat and hat of the stranger But if she lent St Preux or the demigod of her fancy his form she richly repaid him by the donation of all St Preuxs sentiments and feelings culled to gratify her own to which he seemed to have an undoubted right when she read on the margin of an impassioned letter written in the wellknown hand—Rousseau alone the true Prometheus of sentiment possessed the fire of genius necessary to pourtray the passion the truth of which goes so directly to the heart
Maria was again true to the hour yet had finished Rousseau and begun to transcribe some selected passages unable to quit either the author or the window before she had a glimpse of the countenance she daily longed to see and when seen it conveyed no distinct idea to her mind where she had seen it before He must have been a transient acquaintance but to discover an acquaintance was fortunate could she contrive to attract his attention and excite his sympathy
Every glance afforded colouring for the picture she was delineating on her heart and once when the window was half open the sound of his voice reached her Conviction flashed on her she had certainly in a moment of distress heard the same accents They were manly and characteristic of a noble mind nay even sweet—or sweet they seemed to her attentive ear
She started back trembling alarmed at the emotion a strange coincidence of circumstances inspired and wondering why she thought so much of a stranger obliged as she had been by his timely interference for she recollected by degrees all the circumstances of their former meeting She found however that she could think of nothing else or if she thought of her daughter it was to wish that she had a father whom her mother could respect and love
CHAPTER 3
WHEN PERUSING the first parcel of books Maria had with her pencil written in one of them a few exclamations expressive of compassion and sympathy which she scarcely remembered till turning over the leaves of one of the volumes lately brought to her a slip of paper dropped out which Jemima hastily snatched up
Let me see it demanded Maria impatiently You surely are not afraid of trusting me with the effusions of a madman I must consider replied Jemima and withdrew with the paper in her hand
In a life of such seclusion the passions gain undue force Maria therefore felt a great degree of resentment and vexation which she had not time to subdue before Jemima returning delivered the paper
Whoever you are who partake of my fate
accept my sincere commiseration—I would have said
protection but the privilege of man is denied me
My own situation forces a dreadful suspicion on
my mind—I may not always languish in vain for freedom—
say are you—I cannot ask the question yet I will
remember you when my remembrance can be of any use
I will enquire why you are so mysteriously detained—
and I will have an answer
HENRY DARNFORD
By the most pressing intreaties Maria prevailed on Jemima to permit her to write a reply to this note Another and another succeeded in which explanations were not allowed relative to their present situation but Maria with sufficient explicitness alluded to a former obligation and they insensibly entered on an interchange of sentiments on the most important subjects To write these letters was the business of the day and to receive them the moment of sunshine By some means Darnford having discovered Marias window when she next appeared at it he made her behind his keepers a profound bow of respect and recognition
Two or three weeks glided away in this kind of intercourse during which period Jemima to whom Maria had given the necessary information respecting her family had evidently gained some intelligence which increased her desire of pleasing her charge though she could not yet determine to liberate her Maria took advantage of this favourable charge without too minutely enquiring into the cause and such was her eagerness to hold human converse and to see her former protector still a stranger to her that she incessantly requested her guard to gratify her more than curiosity
Writing to Darnford she was led from the sad objects before her and frequently rendered insensible to the horrid noises around her which previously had continually employed her feverish fancy Thinking it selfish to dwell on her own sufferings when in the midst of wretches who had not only lost all that endears life but their very selves her imagination was occupied with melancholy earnestness to trace the mazes of misery through which so many wretches must have passed to this gloomy receptacle of disjointed souls to the grand source of human corruption Often at midnight was she waked by the dismal shrieks of demoniac rage or of excruciating despair uttered in such wild tones of indescribable anguish as proved the total absence of reason and roused phantoms of horror in her mind far more terrific than all that dreaming superstition ever drew Besides there was frequently something so inconceivably picturesque in the varying gestures of unrestrained passion so irresistibly comic in their sallies or so heartpiercingly pathetic in the little airs they would sing frequently bursting out after an awful silence as to fascinate the attention and amuse the fancy while torturing the soul It was the uproar of the passions which she was compelled to observe and to mark the lucid beam of reason like a light trembling in a socket or like the flash which divides the threatening clouds of angry heaven only to display the horrors which darkness shrouded
Jemima would labour to beguile the tedious evenings by describing the persons and manners of the unfortunate beings whose figures or voices awoke sympathetic sorrow in Marias bosom and the stories she told were the more interesting for perpetually leaving room to conjecture something extraordinary Still Maria accustomed to generalize her observations was led to conclude from all she heard that it was a vulgar error to suppose that people of abilities were the most apt to lose the command of reason On the contrary from most of the instances she could investigate she thought it resulted that the passions only appeared strong and disproportioned because the judgment was weak and unexercised and that they gained strength by the decay of reason as the shadows lengthen during the suns decline
Maria impatiently wished to see her fellowsufferer but Darnford was still more earnest to obtain an interview Accustomed to submit to every impulse of passion and never taught like women to restrain the most natural and acquire instead of the bewitching frankness of nature a factitious propriety of behaviour every desire became a torrent that bore down all opposition
His travelling trunk which contained the books lent to Maria had been sent to him and with a part of its contents he bribed his principal keeper who after receiving the most solemn promise that he would return to his apartment without attempting to explore any part of the house conducted him in the dusk of the evening to Marias room
Jemima had apprized her charge of the visit and she expected with trembling impatience inspired by a vague hope that he might again prove her deliverer to see a man who had before rescued her from oppression He entered with an animation of countenance formed to captivate an enthusiast and hastily turned his eyes from her to the apartment which he surveyed with apparent emotions of compassionate indignation Sympathy illuminated his eye and taking her hand he respectfully bowed on it exclaiming—This is extraordinary—again to meet you and in such circumstances Still impressive as was the coincidence of events which brought them once more together their full hearts did not overflow—
The copy which had received the authors last corrections
breaks off in this place and the pages which follow to the
end of Chap IV are printed from a copy in a less finished
state Godwins note
And though after this first visit they were permitted frequently to repeat their interviews they were for some time employed in a reserved conversation to which all the world might have listened excepting when discussing some literary subject flashes of sentiment inforced by each relaxing feature seemed to remind them that their minds were already acquainted
By degrees Darnford entered into the particulars of his story In a few words he informed her that he had been a thoughtless extravagant young man yet as he described his faults they appeared to be the generous luxuriancy of a noble mind Nothing like meanness tarnished the lustre of his youth nor had the worm of selfishness lurked in the unfolding bud even while he had been the dupe of others Yet he tardily acquired the experience necessary to guard him against future imposition
I shall weary you continued he by my egotism and did not powerful emotions draw me to you—his eyes glistened as he spoke and a trembling seemed to run through his manly frame—I would not waste these precious moments in talking of myself
My father and mother were people of fashion married by their parents He was fond of the turf she of the cardtable I and two or three other children since dead were kept at home till we became intolerable My father and mother had a visible dislike to each other continually displayed the servants were of the depraved kind usually found in the houses of people of fortune My brothers and parents all dying I was left to the care of guardians and sent to Eton I never knew the sweets of domestic affection but I felt the want of indulgence and frivolous respect at school I will not disgust you with a recital of the vices of my youth which can scarcely be comprehended by female delicacy I was taught to love by a creature I am ashamed to mention and the other women with whom I afterwards became intimate were of a class of which you can have no knowledge I formed my acquaintance with them at the theaters and when vivacity danced in their eyes I was not easily disgusted by the vulgarity which flowed from their lips Having spent a few years after I was of age the whole of a considerable patrimony excepting a few hundreds I had no resource but to purchase a commission in a newraised regiment destined to subjugate America The regret I felt to renounce a life of pleasure was counterbalanced by the curiosity I had to see America or rather to travel nor had any of those circumstances occurred to my youth which might have been calculated to bind my country to my heart I shall not trouble you with the details of a military life My blood was still kept in motion till towards the close of the contest I was wounded and taken prisoner
Confined to my bed or chair by a lingering cure my only refuge from the preying activity of my mind was books which I read with great avidity profiting by the conversation of my host a man of sound understanding My political sentiments now underwent a total change and dazzled by the hospitality of the Americans I determined to take up my abode with freedom I therefore with my usual impetuosity sold my commission and travelled into the interior parts of the country to lay out my money to advantage Added to this I did not much like the puritanical manners of the large towns Inequality of condition was there most disgustingly galling The only pleasure wealth afforded was to make an ostentatious display of it for the cultivation of the fine arts or literature had not introduced into the first circles that polish of manners which renders the rich so essentially superior to the poor in Europe Added to this an influx of vices had been let in by the Revolution and the most rigid principles of religion shaken to the centre before the understanding could be gradually emancipated from the prejudices which led their ancestors undauntedly to seek an inhospitable clime and unbroken soil The resolution that led them in pursuit of independence to embark on rivers like seas to search for unknown shores and to sleep under the hovering mists of endless forests whose baleful damps agued their limbs was now turned into commercial speculations till the national character exhibited a phenomenon in the history of the human mind—a head enthusiastically enterprising with cold selfishness of heart And woman lovely woman—they charm everywhere—still there is a degree of prudery and a want of taste and ease in the manners of the American women that renders them in spite of their roses and lilies far inferior to our European charmers In the country they have often a bewitching simplicity of character but in the cities they have all the airs and ignorance of the ladies who give the tone to the circles of the large trading towns in England They are fond of their ornaments merely because they are good and not because they embellish their persons and are more gratified to inspire the women with jealousy of these exterior advantages than the men with love All the frivolity which often excuse me Madam renders the society of modest women so stupid in England here seemed to throw still more leaden fetters on their charms Not being an adept in gallantry I found that I could only keep myself awake in their company by making downright love to them
But not to intrude on your patience I retired to the track of land which I had purchased in the country and my time passed pleasantly enough while I cut down the trees built my house and planted my different crops But winter and idleness came and I longed for more elegant society to hear what was passing in the world and to do something better than vegetate with the animals that made a very considerable part of my household Consequently I determined to travel Motion was a substitute for variety of objects and passing over immense tracks of country I exhausted my exuberant spirits without obtaining much experience I every where saw industry the forerunner and not the consequence of luxury but this country everything being on an ample scale did not afford those picturesque views which a certain degree of cultivation is necessary gradually to produce The eye wandered without an object to fix upon over immeasureable plains and lakes that seemed replenished by the ocean whilst eternal forests of small clustering trees obstructed the circulation of air and embarrassed the path without gratifying the eye of taste No cottage smiling in the waste no travellers hailed us to give life to silent nature or if perchance we saw the print of a footstep in our path it was a dreadful warning to turn aside and the head ached as if assailed by the scalping knife The Indians who hovered on the skirts of the European settlements had only learned of their neighbours to plunder and they stole their guns from them to do it with more safety
From the woods and back settlements I returned to the towns and learned to eat and drink most valiantly but without entering into commerce and I detested commerce I found I could not live there and growing heartily weary of the land of liberty and vulgar aristocracy seated on her bags of dollars I resolved once more to visit Europe I wrote to a distant relation in England with whom I had been educated mentioning the vessel in which I intended to sail Arriving in London my senses were intoxicated I ran from street to street from theater to theater and the women of the town again I must beg pardon for my habitual frankness appeared to me like angels
A week was spent in this thoughtless manner when returning very late to the hotel in which I had lodged ever since my arrival I was knocked down in a private street and hurried in a state of insensibility into a coach which brought me hither and I only recovered my senses to be treated like one who had lost them My keepers are deaf to my remonstrances and enquiries yet assure me that my confinement shall not last long Still I cannot guess though I weary myself with conjectures why I am confined or in what part of England this house is situated I imagine sometimes that I hear the sea roar and wished myself again on the Atlantic till I had a glimpse of you
A few moments were only allowed to Maria to comment on this narrative when Darnford left her to her own thoughts to the never ending still beginning task of weighing his words recollecting his tones of voice and feeling them reverberate on her heart
The introduction of Darnford as the deliverer of Maria in
a former instance appears to have been an afterthought of
the author This has occasioned the omission of any
allusion to that circumstance in the preceding narration
EDITOR Godwins note
CHAPTER 4
PITY and the forlorn seriousness of adversity have both been considered as dispositions favourable to love while satirical writers have attributed the propensity to the relaxing effect of idleness what chance then had Maria of escaping when pity sorrow and solitude all conspired to soften her mind and nourish romantic wishes and from a natural progress romantic expectations
Maria was sixandtwenty But such was the native soundness of her constitution that time had only given to her countenance the character of her mind Revolving thought and exercised affections had banished some of the playful graces of innocence producing insensibly that irregularity of features which the struggles of the understanding to trace or govern the strong emotions of the heart are wont to imprint on the yielding mass Grief and care had mellowed without obscuring the bright tints of youth and the thoughtfulness which resided on her brow did not take from the feminine softness of her features nay such was the sensibility which often mantled over it that she frequently appeared like a large proportion of her sex only born to feel and the activity of her wellproportioned and even almost voluptuous figure inspired the idea of strength of mind rather than of body There was a simplicity sometimes indeed in her manner which bordered on infantine ingenuousness that led people of common discernment to underrate her talents and smile at the flights of her imagination But those who could not comprehend the delicacy of her sentiments were attached by her unfailing sympathy so that she was very generally beloved by characters of very different descriptions still she was too much under the influence of an ardent imagination to adhere to common rules
There are mistakes of conduct which at fiveandtwenty prove the strength of the mind that ten or fifteen years after would demonstrate its weakness its incapacity to acquire a sane judgment The youths who are satisfied with the ordinary pleasures of life and do not sigh after ideal phantoms of love and friendship will never arrive at great maturity of understanding but if these reveries are cherished as is too frequently the case with women when experience ought to have taught them in what human happiness consists they become as useless as they are wretched Besides their pains and pleasures are so dependent on outward circumstances on the objects of their affections that they seldom act from the impulse of a nerved mind able to choose its own pursuit
Having had to struggle incessantly with the vices of mankind Marias imagination found repose in pourtraying the possible virtues the world might contain Pygmalion formed an ivory maid and longed for an informing soul She on the contrary combined all the qualities of a heros mind and fate presented a statue in which she might enshrine them
We mean not to trace the progress of this passion or recount how often Darnford and Maria were obliged to part in the midst of an interesting conversation Jemima ever watched on the tiptoe of fear and frequently separated them on a false alarm when they would have given worlds to remain a little longer together
A magic lamp now seemed to be suspended in Marias prison and fairy landscapes flitted round the gloomy walls late so blank Rushing from the depth of despair on the seraph wing of hope she found herself happy—She was beloved and every emotion was rapturous
To Darnford she had not shown a decided affection the fear of outrunning his a sure proof of love made her often assume a coldness and indifference foreign from her character and even when giving way to the playful emotions of a heart just loosened from the frozen bond of grief there was a delicacy in her manner of expressing her sensibility which made him doubt whether it was the effect of love
One evening when Jemima left them to listen to the sound of a distant footstep which seemed cautiously to approach he seized Marias hand—it was not withdrawn They conversed with earnestness of their situation and during the conversation he once or twice gently drew her towards him He felt the fragrance of her breath and longed yet feared to touch the lips from which it issued spirits of purity seemed to guard them while all the enchanting graces of love sported on her cheeks and languished in her eyes
Jemima entering he reflected on his diffidence with poignant regret and she once more taking alarm he ventured as Maria stood near his chair to approach her lips with a declaration of love She drew back with solemnity he hung down his head abashed but lifting his eyes timidly they met hers she had determined during that instant and suffered their rays to mingle He took with more ardour reassured a halfconsenting halfreluctant kiss reluctant only from modesty and there was a sacredness in her dignified manner of reclining her glowing face on his shoulder that powerfully impressed him Desire was lost in more ineffable emotions and to protect her from insult and sorrow—to make her happy seemed not only the first wish of his heart but the most noble duty of his life Such angelic confidence demanded the fidelity of honour but could he feeling her in every pulsation could he ever change could he be a villain The emotion with which she for a moment allowed herself to be pressed to his bosom the tear of rapturous sympathy mingled with a soft melancholy sentiment of recollected disappointment said—more of truth and faithfulness than the tongue could have given utterance to in hours They were silent—yet discoursed how eloquently till after a moments reflection Maria drew her chair by the side of his and with a composed sweetness of voice and supernatural benignity of countenance said I must open my whole heart to you you must be told who I am why I am here and why telling you I am a wife I blush not to—the blush spoke the rest
Jemima was again at her elbow and the restraint of her presence did not prevent an animated conversation in which love sly urchin was ever at bopeep
So much of heaven did they enjoy that paradise bloomed around them or they by a powerful spell had been transported into Armidas garden Love the grand enchanter lapt them in Elysium and every sense was harmonized to joy and social extacy So animated indeed were their accents of tenderness in discussing what in other circumstances would have been commonplace subjects that Jemima felt with surprise a tear of pleasure trickling down her rugged cheeks She wiped it away half ashamed and when Maria kindly enquired the cause with all the eager solicitude of a happy being wishing to impart to all nature its overflowing felicity Jemima owned that it was the first tear that social enjoyment had ever drawn from her She seemed indeed to breathe more freely the cloud of suspicion cleared away from her brow she felt herself for once in her life treated like a fellowcreature
Imagination who can paint thy power or reflect the evanescent tints of hope fostered by thee A despondent gloom had long obscured Marias horizon—now the sun broke forth the rainbow appeared and every prospect was fair Horror still reigned in the darkened cells suspicion lurked in the passages and whispered along the walls The yells of men possessed sometimes made them pause and wonder that they felt so happy in a tomb of living death They even chid themselves for such apparent insensibility still the world contained not three happier beings And Jemima after again patrolling the passage was so softened by the air of confidence which breathed around her that she voluntarily began an account of herself
CHAPTER 5
MY FATHER said Jemima seduced my mother a pretty girl with whom he lived fellowservant and she no sooner perceived the natural the dreaded consequence than the terrible conviction flashed on her—that she was ruined Honesty and a regard for her reputation had been the only principles inculcated by her mother and they had been so forcibly impressed that she feared shame more than the poverty to which it would lead Her incessant importunities to prevail upon my father to screen her from reproach by marrying her as he had promised in the fervour of seduction estranged him from her so completely that her very person became distasteful to him and he began to hate as well as despise me before I was born
My mother grieved to the soul by his neglect and unkind treatment actually resolved to famish herself and injured her health by the attempt though she had not sufficient resolution to adhere to her project or renounce it entirely Death came not at her call yet sorrow and the methods she adopted to conceal her condition still doing the work of a housemaid had such an effect on her constitution that she died in the wretched garret where her virtuous mistress had forced her to take refuge in the very pangs of labour though my father after a slight reproof was allowed to remain in his place—allowed by the mother of six children who scarcely permitting a footstep to be heard during her months indulgence felt no sympathy for the poor wretch denied every comfort required by her situation
The day my mother died the ninth after my birth I was consigned to the care of the cheapest nurse my father could find who suckled her own child at the same time and lodged as many more as she could get in two cellarlike apartments
Poverty and the habit of seeing children die off her hands had so hardened her heart that the office of a mother did not awaken the tenderness of a woman nor were the feminine caresses which seem a part of the rearing of a child ever bestowed on me The chicken has a wing to shelter under but I had no bosom to nestle in no kindred warmth to foster me Left in dirt to cry with cold and hunger till I was weary and sleep without ever being prepared by exercise or lulled by kindness to rest could I be expected to become any thing but a weak and rickety babe Still in spite of neglect I continued to exist to learn to curse existence her countenance grew ferocious as she spoke and the treatment that rendered me miserable seemed to sharpen my wits Confined then in a damp hovel to rock the cradle of the succeeding tribe I looked like a little old woman or a hag shrivelling into nothing The furrows of reflection and care contracted the youthful cheek and gave a sort of supernatural wildness to the ever watchful eye During this period my father had married another fellowservant who loved him less and knew better how to manage his passion than my mother She likewise proving with child they agreed to keep a shop my stepmother if being an illegitimate offspring I may venture thus to characterize her having obtained a sum of a rich relation for that purpose
Soon after her lyingin she prevailed on my father to take me home to save the expense of maintaining me and of hiring a girl to assist her in the care of the child I was young it was true but appeared a knowing little thing and might be made handy Accordingly I was brought to her house but not to a home—for a home I never knew Of this child a daughter she was extravagantly fond and it was a part of my employment to assist to spoil her by humouring all her whims and bearing all her caprices Feeling her own consequence before she could speak she had learned the art of tormenting me and if I ever dared to resist I received blows laid on with no compunctious hand or was sent to bed dinnerless as well as supperless I said that it was a part of my daily labour to attend this child with the servility of a slave still it was but a part I was sent out in all seasons and from place to place to carry burdens far above my strength without being allowed to draw near the fire or ever being cheered by encouragement or kindness No wonder then treated like a creature of another species that I began to envy and at length to hate the darling of the house Yet I perfectly remember that it was the caresses and kind expressions of my stepmother which first excited my jealous discontent Once I cannot forget it when she was calling in vain her wayward child to kiss her I ran to her saying I will kiss you maam and how did my heart which was in my mouth sink what was my debasement of soul when pushed away with—I do not want you pert thing Another day when a new gown had excited the highest good humour and she uttered the appropriate dear addressed unexpectedly to me I thought I could never do enough to please her I was all alacrity and rose proportionably in my own estimation
As her daughter grew up she was pampered with cakes and fruit while I was literally speaking fed with the refuse of the table with her leavings A liquorish tooth is I believe common to children and I used to steal any thing sweet that I could catch up with a chance of concealment When detected she was not content to chastize me herself at the moment but on my fathers return in the evening he was a shopman the principal discourse was to recount my faults and attribute them to the wicked disposition which I had brought into the world with me inherited from my mother He did not fail to leave the marks of his resentment on my body and then solaced himself by playing with my sister—I could have murdered her at those moments To save myself from these unmerciful corrections I resorted to falshood and the untruths which I sturdily maintained were brought in judgment against me to support my tyrants inhuman charge of my natural propensity to vice Seeing me treated with contempt and always being fed and dressed better my sister conceived a contemptuous opinion of me that proved an obstacle to all affection and my father hearing continually of my faults began to consider me as a curse entailed on him for his sins he was therefore easily prevailed on to bind me apprentice to one of my stepmothers friends who kept a slopshop in Wapping I was represented as it was said in my true colours but she warranted snapping her fingers that she should break my spirit or heart
My mother replied with a whine that if any body could make me better it was such a clever woman as herself though for her own part she had tried in vain but goodnature was her fault
I shudder with horror when I recollect the treatment I had now to endure Not only under the lash of my taskmistress but the drudge of the maid apprentices and children I never had a taste of human kindness to soften the rigour of perpetual labour I had been introduced as an object of abhorrence into the family as a creature of whom my stepmother though she had been kind enough to let me live in the house with her own child could make nothing I was described as a wretch whose nose must be kept to the grinding stone—and it was held there with an iron grasp It seemed indeed the privilege of their superior nature to kick me about like the dog or cat If I were attentive I was called fawning if refractory an obstinate mule and like a mule I received their censure on my loaded back Often has my mistress for some instance of forgetfulness thrown me from one side of the kitchen to the other knocked my head against the wall spit in my face with various refinements on barbarity that I forbear to enumerate though they were all acted over again by the servant with additional insults to which the appellation of bastard was commonly added with taunts or sneers But I will not attempt to give you an adequate idea of my situation lest you who probably have never been drenched with the dregs of human misery should think I exaggerate
I stole now from absolute necessity—bread yet whatever else was taken which I had it not in my power to take was ascribed to me I was the filching cat the ravenous dog the dumb brute who must bear all for if I endeavoured to exculpate myself I was silenced without any enquiries being made with Hold your tongue you never tell truth Even the very air I breathed was tainted with scorn for I was sent to the neighbouring shops with Glutton Liar or Thief written on my forehead This was at first the most bitter punishment but sullen pride or a kind of stupid desperation made me at length almost regardless of the contempt which had wrung from me so many solitary tears at the only moments when I was allowed to rest
Thus was I the mark of cruelty till my sixteenth year and then I have only to point out a change of misery for a period I never knew Allow me first to make one observation Now I look back I cannot help attributing the greater part of my misery to the misfortune of having been thrown into the world without the grand support of life—a mothers affection I had no one to love me or to make me respected to enable me to acquire respect I was an egg dropped on the sand a pauper by nature hunted from family to family who belonged to nobody—and nobody cared for me I was despised from my birth and denied the chance of obtaining a footing for myself in society Yes I had not even the chance of being considered as a fellowcreature—yet all the people with whom I lived brutalized as they were by the low cunning of trade and the despicable shifts of poverty were not without bowels though they never yearned for me I was in fact born a slave and chained by infamy to slavery during the whole of existence without having any companions to alleviate it by sympathy or teach me how to rise above it by their example But to resume the thread of my tale—
At sixteen I suddenly grew tall and something like comeliness appeared on a Sunday when I had time to wash my face and put on clean clothes My master had once or twice caught hold of me in the passage but I instinctively avoided his disgusting caresses One day however when the family were at a methodist meeting he contrived to be alone in the house with me and by blows—yes blows and menaces compelled me to submit to his ferocious desire and to avoid my mistresss fury I was obliged in future to comply and skulk to my loft at his command in spite of increasing loathing
The anguish which was now pent up in my bosom seemed to open a new world to me I began to extend my thoughts beyond myself and grieve for human misery till I discovered with horror—ah what horror—that I was with child I know not why I felt a mixed sensation of despair and tenderness excepting that ever called a bastard a bastard appeared to me an object of the greatest compassion in creation
I communicated this dreadful circumstance to my master who was almost equally alarmed at the intelligence for he feared his wife and public censure at the meeting After some weeks of deliberation had elapsed I in continual fear that my altered shape would be noticed my master gave me a medicine in a phial which he desired me to take telling me without any circumlocution for what purpose it was designed I burst into tears I thought it was killing myself—yet was such a self as I worth preserving He cursed me for a fool and left me to my own reflections I could not resolve to take this infernal potion but I wrapped it up in an old gown and hid it in a corner of my box
Nobody yet suspected me because they had been accustomed to view me as a creature of another species But the threatening storm at last broke over my devoted head—never shall I forget it One Sunday evening when I was left as usual to take care of the house my master came home intoxicated and I became the prey of his brutal appetite His extreme intoxication made him forget his customary caution and my mistress entered and found us in a situation that could not have been more hateful to her than me Her husband was potvaliant he feared her not at the moment nor had he then much reason for she instantly turned the whole force of her anger another way She tore off my cap scratched kicked and buffetted me till she had exhausted her strength declaring as she rested her arm that I had wheedled her husband from her—But could any thing better be expected from a wretch whom she had taken into her house out of pure charity What a torrent of abuse rushed out till almost breathless she concluded with saying that I was born a strumpet it ran in my blood and nothing good could come to those who harboured me
My situation was of course discovered and she declared that I should not stay another night under the same roof with an honest family I was therefore pushed out of doors and my trumpery thrown after me when it had been contemptuously examined in the passage lest I should have stolen any thing
Behold me then in the street utterly destitute Whither could I creep for shelter To my fathers roof I had no claim when not pursued by shame—now I shrunk back as from death from my mothers cruel reproaches my fathers execrations I could not endure to hear him curse the day I was born though life had been a curse to me Of death I thought but with a confused emotion of terror as I stood leaning my head on a post and starting at every footstep lest it should be my mistress coming to tear my heart out One of the boys of the shop passing by heard my tale and immediately repaired to his master to give him a description of my situation and he touched the right key—the scandal it would give rise to if I were left to repeat my tale to every enquirer This plea came home to his reason who had been sobered by his wifes rage the fury of which fell on him when I was out of her reach and he sent the boy to me with halfaguinea desiring him to conduct me to a house where beggars and other wretches the refuse of society nightly lodged
This night was spent in a state of stupefaction or desperation I detested mankind and abhorred myself
In the morning I ventured out to throw myself in my masters way at his usual hour of going abroad I approached him he damned me for a b—— declared I had disturbed the peace of the family and that he had sworn to his wife never to take any more notice of me He left me but instantly returning he told me that he should speak to his friend a parishofficer to get a nurse for the brat I laid to him and advised me if I wished to keep out of the house of correction not to make free with his name
I hurried back to my hole and rage giving place to despair sought for the potion that was to procure abortion and swallowed it with a wish that it might destroy me at the same time that it stopped the sensations of newborn life which I felt with indescribable emotion My head turned round my heart grew sick and in the horrors of approaching dissolution mental anguish was swallowed up The effect of the medicine was violent and I was confined to my bed several days but youth and a strong constitution prevailing I once more crawled out to ask myself the cruel question Whither I should go I had but two shillings left in my pocket the rest had been expended by a poor woman who slept in the same room to pay for my lodging and purchase the necessaries of which she partook
With this wretch I went into the neighbouring streets to beg and my disconsolate appearance drew a few pence from the idle enabling me still to command a bed till recovering from my illness and taught to put on my rags to the best advantage I was accosted from different motives and yielded to the desire of the brutes I met with the same detestation that I had felt for my still more brutal master I have since read in novels of the blandishments of seduction but I had not even the pleasure of being enticed into vice
I shall not interrupted Jemima lead your imagination into all the scenes of wretchedness and depravity which I was condemned to view or mark the different stages of my debasing misery Fate dragged me through the very kennels of society I was still a slave a bastard a common property Become familiar with vice for I wish to conceal nothing from you I picked the pockets of the drunkards who abused me and proved by my conduct that I deserved the epithets with which they loaded me at moments when distrust ought to cease
Detesting my nightly occupation though valuing if I may so use the word my independence which only consisted in choosing the street in which I should wander or the roof when I had money in which I should hide my head I was some time before I could prevail on myself to accept of a place in a house of ill fame to which a girl with whom I had accidentally conversed in the street had recommended me I had been hunted almost into a fever by the watchmen of the quarter of the town I frequented one whom I had unwittingly offended giving the word to the whole pack You can scarcely conceive the tyranny exercised by these wretches considering themselves as the instruments of the very laws they violate the pretext which steels their conscience hardens their heart Not content with receiving from us outlaws of society let other women talk of favours a brutal gratification gratuitously as a privilege of office they extort a tithe of prostitution and harrass with threats the poor creatures whose occupation affords not the means to silence the growl of avarice To escape from this persecution I once more entered into servitude
A life of comparative regularity restored my health and—do not start—my manners were improved in a situation where vice sought to render itself alluring and taste was cultivated to fashion the person if not to refine the mind Besides the common civility of speech contrasted with the gross vulgarity to which I had been accustomed was something like the polish of civilization I was not shut out from all intercourse of humanity Still I was galled by the yoke of service and my mistress often flying into violent fits of passion made me dread a sudden dismission which I understood was always the case I was therefore prevailed on though I felt a horror of men to accept the offer of a gentleman rather in the decline of years to keep his house pleasantly situated in a little village near Hampstead
He was a man of great talents and of brilliant wit but a wornout votary of voluptuousness his desires became fastidious in proportion as they grew weak and the native tenderness of his heart was undermined by a vitiated imagination A thoughtless career of libertinism and social enjoyment had injured his health to such a degree that whatever pleasure his conversation afforded me and my esteem was ensured by proofs of the generous humanity of his disposition the being his mistress was purchasing it at a very dear rate With such a keen perception of the delicacies of sentiment with an imagination invigorated by the exercise of genius how could he sink into the grossness of sensuality
But to pass over a subject which I recollect with pain I must remark to you as an answer to your oftenrepeated question Why my sentiments and language were superior to my station that I now began to read to beguile the tediousness of solitude and to gratify an inquisitive active mind I had often in my childhood followed a balladsinger to hear the sequel of a dismal story though sure of being severely punished for delaying to return with whatever I was sent to purchase I could just spell and put a sentence together and I listened to the various arguments though often mingled with obscenity which occurred at the table where I was allowed to preside for a literary friend or two frequently came home with my master to dine and pass the night Having lost the privileged respect of my sex my presence instead of restraining perhaps gave the reins to their tongues still I had the advantage of hearing discussions from which in the common course of life women are excluded
You may easily imagine that it was only by degrees that I could comprehend some of the subjects they investigated or acquire from their reasoning what might be termed a moral sense But my fondness of reading increasing and my master occasionally shutting himself up in this retreat for weeks together to write I had many opportunities of improvement At first considering money I was right exclaimed Jemima altering her tone of voice as the only means after my loss of reputation of obtaining respect or even the toleration of humanity I had not the least scruple to secrete a part of the sums intrusted to me and to screen myself from detection by a system of falshood But acquiring new principles I began to have the ambition of returning to the respectable part of society and was weak enough to suppose it possible The attention of my unassuming instructor who without being ignorant of his own powers possessed great simplicity of manners strengthened the illusion Having sometimes caught up hints for thought from my untutored remarks he often led me to discuss the subjects he was treating and would read to me his productions previous to their publication wishing to profit by the criticism of unsophisticated feeling The aim of his writings was to touch the simple springs of the heart for he despised the wouldbe oracles the selfelected philosophers who fright away fancy while sifting each grain of thought to prove that slowness of comprehension is wisdom
I should have distinguished this as a moment of sunshine a happy period in my life had not the repugnance the disgusting libertinism of my protector inspired daily become more painful—And indeed I soon did recollect it as such with agony when his sudden death for he had recourse to the most exhilarating cordials to keep up the convivial tone of his spirits again threw me into the desert of human society Had he had any time for reflection I am certain he would have left the little property in his power to me but attacked by the fatal apoplexy in town his heir a man of rigid morals brought his wife with him to take possession of the house and effects before I was even informed of his death—to prevent as she took care indirectly to tell me such a creature as she supposed me to be from purloining any of them had I been apprized of the event in time
The grief I felt at the sudden shock the information gave me which at first had nothing selfish in it was treated with contempt and I was ordered to pack up my clothes and a few trinkets and books given me by the generous deceased were contested while they piously hoped with a reprobating shake of the head that God would have mercy on his sinful soul With some difficulty I obtained my arrears of wages but asking—such is the spiritgrinding consequence of poverty and infamy—for a character for honesty and economy which God knows I merited I was told by this—why must I call her woman—that it would go against her conscience to recommend a kept mistress Tears started in my eyes burning tears for there are situations in which a wretch is humbled by the contempt they are conscious they do not deserve
I returned to the metropolis but the solitude of a poor lodging was inconceivably dreary after the society I had enjoyed To be cut off from human converse now I had been taught to relish it was to wander a ghost among the living Besides I foresaw to aggravate the severity of my fate that my little pittance would soon melt away I endeavoured to obtain needlework but not having been taught early and my hands being rendered clumsy by hard work I did not sufficiently excel to be employed by the readymade linen shops when so many women better qualified were suing for it The want of a character prevented my getting a place for irksome as servitude would have been to me I should have made another trial had it been feasible Not that I disliked employment but the inequality of condition to which I must have submitted I had acquired a taste for literature during the five years I had lived with a literary man occasionally conversing with men of the first abilities of the age and now to descend to the lowest vulgarity was a degree of wretchedness not to be imagined unfelt I had not it is true tasted the charms of affection but I had been familiar with the graces of humanity
One of the gentlemen whom I had frequently dined in company with while I was treated like a companion met me in the street and enquired after my health I seized the occasion and began to describe my situation but he was in haste to join at dinner a select party of choice spirits therefore without waiting to hear me he impatiently put a guinea into my hand saying It was a pity such a sensible woman should be in distress—he wished me well from his soul
To another I wrote stating my case and requesting advice He was an advocate for unequivocal sincerity and had often in my presence descanted on the evils which arise in society from the despotism of rank and riches
In reply I received a long essay on the energy of the human mind with continual allusions to his own force of character He added That the woman who could write such a letter as I had sent him could never be in want of resources were she to look into herself and exert her powers misery was the consequence of indolence and as to my being shut out from society it was the lot of man to submit to certain privations
How often have I heard said Jemima interrupting her narrative in conversation and read in books that every person willing to work may find employment It is the vague assertion I believe of insensible indolence when it relates to men but with respect to women I am sure of its fallacy unless they will submit to the most menial bodily labour and even to be employed at hard labour is out of the reach of many whose reputation misfortune or folly has tainted
How writers professing to be friends to freedom and the improvement of morals can assert that poverty is no evil I cannot imagine
No more can I interrupted Maria yet they even expatiate on the peculiar happiness of indigence though in what it can consist excepting in brutal rest when a man can barely earn a subsistence I cannot imagine The mind is necessarily imprisoned in its own little tenement and fully occupied by keeping it in repair has not time to rove abroad for improvement The book of knowledge is closely clasped against those who must fulfil their daily task of severe manual labour or die and curiosity rarely excited by thought or information seldom moves on the stagnate lake of ignorance
As far as I have been able to observe replied Jemima prejudices caught up by chance are obstinately maintained by the poor to the exclusion of improvement they have not time to reason or reflect to any extent or minds sufficiently exercised to adopt the principles of action which form perhaps the only basis of contentment in every station
The copy which appears to have received the authors
last corrections ends at this place Godwins note
And independence said Darnford they are necessarily strangers to even the independence of despising their persecutors If the poor are happy or can be happy things are very well as they are And I cannot conceive on what principle those writers contend for a change of system who support this opinion The authors on the other side of the question are much more consistent who grant the fact yet insisting that it is the lot of the majority to be oppressed in this life kindly turn them over to another to rectify the false weights and measures of this as the only way to justify the dispensations of Providence I have not continued Darnford an opinion more firmly fixed by observation in my mind than that though riches may fail to produce proportionate happiness poverty most commonly excludes it by shutting up all the avenues to improvement
And as for the affections added Maria with a sigh how gross and even tormenting do they become unless regulated by an improving mind The culture of the heart ever I believe keeps pace with that of the mind But pray go on addressing Jemima though your narrative gives rise to the most painful reflections on the present state of society
Not to trouble you continued she with a detailed description of all the painful feelings of unavailing exertion I have only to tell you that at last I got recommended to wash in a few families who did me the favour to admit me into their houses without the most strict enquiry to wash from one in the morning till eight at night for eighteen or twentypence a day On the happiness to be enjoyed over a washingtub I need not comment yet you will allow me to observe that this was a wretchedness of situation peculiar to my sex A man with half my industry and I may say abilities could have procured a decent livelihood and discharged some of the duties which knit mankind together whilst I who had acquired a taste for the rational nay in honest pride let me assert it the virtuous enjoyments of life was cast aside as the filth of society Condemned to labour like a machine only to earn bread and scarcely that I became melancholy and desperate
I have now to mention a circumstance which fills me with remorse and fear it will entirely deprive me of your esteem A tradesman became attached to me and visited me frequently—and I at last obtained such a power over him that he offered to take me home to his house—Consider dear madam I was famishing wonder not that I became a wolf—The only reason for not taking me home immediately was the having a girl in the house with child by him—and this girl—I advised him—yes I did would I could forget it—to turn out of doors and one night he determined to follow my advice Poor wretch She fell upon her knees reminded him that he had promised to marry her that her parents were honest—What did it avail—She was turned out
She approached her fathers door in the skirts of London—listened at the shutters—but could not knock A watchman had observed her go and return several times—Poor wretch—The remorse Jemima spoke of seemed to be stinging her to the soul as she proceeded
She left it and approaching a tub where horses were watered she sat down in it and with desperate resolution remained in that attitude—till resolution was no longer necessary
I happened that morning to be going out to wash anticipating the moment when I should escape from such hard labour I passed by just as some men going to work drew out the stiff cold corpse—Let me not recall the horrid moment—I recognized her pale visage I listened to the tale told by the spectators and my heart did not burst I thought of my own state and wondered how I could be such a monster—I worked hard and returning home I was attacked by a fever I suffered both in body and mind I determined not to live with the wretch But he did not try me he left the neighbourhood I once more returned to the washtub
Still this state miserable as it was admitted of aggravation Lifting one day a heavy load a tub fell against my shin and gave me great pain I did not pay much attention to the hurt till it became a serious wound being obliged to work as usual or starve But finding myself at length unable to stand for any time I thought of getting into an hospital Hospitals it should seem for they are comfortless abodes for the sick were expressly endowed for the reception of the friendless yet I who had on that plea a right to assistance wanted the recommendation of the rich and respectable and was several weeks languishing for admittance fees were demanded on entering and what was still more unreasonable security for burying me that expence not coming into the letter of the charity A guinea was the stipulated sum—I could as soon have raised a million and I was afraid to apply to the parish for an order lest they should have passed me I knew not whither The poor woman at whose house I lodged compassionating my state got me into the hospital and the family where I received the hurt sent me five shillings three and sixpence of which I gave at my admittance—I know not for what
My leg grew quickly better but I was dismissed before my cure was completed because I could not afford to have my linen washed to appear decently as the virago of a nurse said when the gentlemen the surgeons came I cannot give you an adequate idea of the wretchedness of an hospital every thing is left to the care of people intent on gain The attendants seem to have lost all feeling of compassion in the bustling discharge of their offices death is so familiar to them that they are not anxious to ward it off Every thing appeared to be conducted for the accommodation of the medical men and their pupils who came to make experiments on the poor for the benefit of the rich One of the physicians I must not forget to mention gave me halfacrown and ordered me some wine when I was at the lowest ebb I thought of making my case known to the ladylike matron but her forbidding countenance prevented me She condescended to look on the patients and make general enquiries two or three times a week but the nurses knew the hour when the visit of ceremony would commence and every thing was as it should be
After my dismission I was more at a loss than ever for a subsistence and not to weary you with a repetition of the same unavailing attempts unable to stand at the washingtub I began to consider the rich and poor as natural enemies and became a thief from principle I could not now cease to reason but I hated mankind I despised myself yet I justified my conduct I was taken tried and condemned to six months imprisonment in a house of correction My soul recoils with horror from the remembrance of the insults I had to endure till branded with shame I was turned loose in the street pennyless I wandered from street to street till exhausted by hunger and fatigue I sunk down senseless at a door where I had vainly demanded a morsel of bread I was sent by the inhabitant to the workhouse to which he had surlily bid me go saying he paid enough in conscience to the poor when with parched tongue I implored his charity If those wellmeaning people who exclaim against beggars were acquainted with the treatment the poor receive in many of these wretched asylums they would not stifle so easily involuntary sympathy by saying that they have all parishes to go to or wonder that the poor dread to enter the gloomy walls What are the common run of workhouses but prisons in which many respectable old people worn out by immoderate labour sink into the grave in sorrow to which they are carried like dogs
Alarmed by some indistinct noise Jemima rose hastily to listen and Maria turning to Darnford said I have indeed been shocked beyond expression when I have met a paupers funeral A coffin carried on the shoulders of three or four illlooking wretches whom the imagination might easily convert into a band of assassins hastening to conceal the corpse and quarrelling about the prey on their way I know it is of little consequence how we are consigned to the earth but I am led by this brutal insensibility to what even the animal creation appears forcibly to feel to advert to the wretched deserted manner in which they died
True rejoined Darnford and till the rich will give more than a part of their wealth till they will give time and attention to the wants of the distressed never let them boast of charity Let them open their hearts and not their purses and employ their minds in the service if they are really actuated by humanity or charitable institutions will always be the prey of the lowest order of knaves
Jemima returning seemed in haste to finish her tale The overseer farmed the poor of different parishes and out of the bowels of poverty was wrung the money with which he purchased this dwelling as a private receptacle for madness He had been a keeper at a house of the same description and conceived that he could make money much more readily in his old occupation He is a shrewd—shall I say it—villain He observed something resolute in my manner and offered to take me with him and instruct me how to treat the disturbed minds he meant to intrust to my care The offer of forty pounds a year and to quit a workhouse was not to be despised though the condition of shutting my eyes and hardening my heart was annexed to it
I agreed to accompany him and four years have I been attendant on many wretches and—she lowered her voice—the witness of many enormities In solitude my mind seemed to recover its force and many of the sentiments which I imbibed in the only tolerable period of my life returned with their full force Still what should induce me to be the champion for suffering humanity—Who ever risked any thing for me—Who ever acknowledged me to be a fellowcreature—
Maria took her hand and Jemima more overcome by kindness than she had ever been by cruelty hastened out of the room to conceal her emotions
Darnford soon after heard his summons and taking leave of him Maria promised to gratify his curiosity with respect to herself the first opportunity
CHAPTER 6
ACTIVE as love was in the heart of Maria the story she had just heard made her thoughts take a wider range The opening buds of hope closed as if they had put forth too early and the the happiest day of her life was overcast by the most melancholy reflections Thinking of Jemimas peculiar fate and her own she was led to consider the oppressed state of women and to lament that she had given birth to a daughter Sleep fled from her eyelids while she dwelt on the wretchedness of unprotected infancy till sympathy with Jemima changed to agony when it seemed probable that her own babe might even now be in the very state she so forcibly described
Maria thought and thought again Jemimas humanity had rather been benumbed than killed by the keen frost she had to brave at her entrance into life an appeal then to her feelings on this tender point surely would not be fruitless and Maria began to anticipate the delight it would afford her to gain intelligence of her child This project was now the only subject of reflection and she watched impatiently for the dawn of day with that determinate purpose which generally insures success
At the usual hour Jemima brought her breakfast and a tender note from Darnford She ran her eye hastily over it and her heart calmly hoarded up the rapture a fresh assurance of affection affection such as she wished to inspire gave her without diverting her mind a moment from its design While Jemima waited to take away the breakfast Maria alluded to the reflections that had haunted her during the night to the exclusion of sleep She spoke with energy of Jemimas unmerited sufferings and of the fate of a number of deserted females placed within the sweep of a whirlwind from which it was next to impossible to escape Perceiving the effect her conversation produced on the countenance of her guard she grasped the arm of Jemima with that irresistible warmth which defies repulse exclaiming—With your heart and such dreadful experience can you lend your aid to deprive my babe of a mothers tenderness a mothers care In the name of God assist me to snatch her from destruction Let me but give her an education—let me but prepare her body and mind to encounter the ills which await her sex and I will teach her to consider you as her second mother and herself as the prop of your age Yes Jemima look at me—observe me closely and read my very soul you merit a better fate she held out her hand with a firm gesture of assurance and I will procure it for you as a testimony of my esteem as well as of my gratitude
Jemima had not power to resist this persuasive torrent and owning that the house in which she was confined was situated on the banks of the Thames only a few miles from London and not on the seacoast as Darnford had supposed she promised to invent some excuse for her absence and go herself to trace the situation and enquire concerning the health of this abandoned daughter Her manner implied an intention to do something more but she seemed unwilling to impart her design and Maria glad to have obtained the main point thought it best to leave her to the workings of her own mind convinced that she had the power of interesting her still more in favour of herself and child by a simple recital of facts
In the evening Jemima informed the impatient mother that on the morrow she should hasten to town before the family hour of rising and received all the information necessary as a clue to her search The Good night Maria uttered was peculiarly solemn and affectionate Glad expectation sparkled in her eye and for the first time since her detention she pronounced the name of her child with pleasureable fondness and with all the garrulity of a nurse described her first smile when she recognized her mother Recollecting herself a still kinder Adieu with a God bless you—that seemed to include a maternal benediction dismissed Jemima
The dreary solitude of the ensuing day lengthened by impatiently dwelling on the same idea was intolerably wearisome She listened for the sound of a particular clock which some directions of the wind allowed her to hear distinctly She marked the shadow gaining on the wall and twilight thickening into darkness her breath seemed oppressed while she anxiously counted nine—The last sound was a stroke of despair on her heart for she expected every moment without seeing Jemima to have her light extinguished by the savage female who supplied her place She was even obliged to prepare for bed restless as she was not to disoblige her new attendant She had been cautioned not to speak too freely to her but the caution was needless her countenance would still more emphatically have made her shrink back Such was the ferocity of manner conspicuous in every word and gesture of this hag that Maria was afraid to enquire why Jemima who had faithfully promised to see her before her door was shut for the night came not—and when the key turned in the lock to consign her to a night of suspence she felt a degree of anguish which the circumstances scarcely justified
Continually on the watch the shutting of a door or the sound of a footstep made her start and tremble with apprehension something like what she felt when at her entrance dragged along the gallery she began to doubt whether she were not surrounded by demons
Fatigued by an endless rotation of thought and wild alarms she looked like a spectre when Jemima entered in the morning especially as her eyes darted out of her head to read in Jemimas countenance almost as pallid the intelligence she dared not trust her tongue to demand Jemima put down the teathings and appeared very busy in arranging the table Maria took up a cup with trembling hand then forcibly recovering her fortitude and restraining the convulsive movement which agitated the muscles of her mouth she said Spare yourself the pain of preparing me for your information I adjure you—My child is dead Jemima solemnly answered Yes with a look expressive of compassion and angry emotions Leave me added Maria making a fresh effort to govern her feelings and hiding her face in her handkerchief to conceal her anguish—It is enough—I know that my babe is no more—I will hear the particulars when I am—calmer she could not utter and Jemima without importuning her by idle attempts to console her left the room
Plunged in the deepest melancholy she would not admit Darnfords visits and such is the force of early associations even on strong minds that for a while she indulged the superstitious notion that she was justly punished by the death of her child for having for an instant ceased to regret her loss Two or three letters from Darnford full of soothing manly tenderness only added poignancy to these accusing emotions yet the passionate style in which he expressed what he termed the first and fondest wish of his heart that his affection might make her some amends for the cruelty and injustice she had endured inspired a sentiment of gratitude to heaven and her eyes filled with delicious tears when at the conclusion of his letter wishing to supply the place of her unworthy relations whose want of principle he execrated he assured her calling her his dearest girl that it should henceforth be the business of his life to make her happy
He begged in a note sent the following morning to be permitted to see her when his presence would be no intrusion on her grief and so earnestly intreated to be allowed according to promise to beguile the tedious moments of absence by dwelling on the events of her past life that she sent him the memoirs which had been written for her daughter promising Jemima the perusal as soon as he returned them
CHAPTER 7
ADDRESSING these memoirs to you my child uncertain whether I shall ever have an opportunity of instructing you many observations will probably flow from my heart which only a mother—a mother schooled in misery could make
The tenderness of a father who knew the world might be great but could it equal that of a mother—of a mother labouring under a portion of the misery which the constitution of society seems to have entailed on all her kind It is my child my dearest daughter only such a mother who will dare to break through all restraint to provide for your happiness—who will voluntarily brave censure herself to ward off sorrow from your bosom From my narrative my dear girl you may gather the instruction the counsel which is meant rather to exercise than influence your mind—Death may snatch me from you before you can weigh my advice or enter into my reasoning I would then with fond anxiety lead you very early in life to form your grand principle of action to save you from the vain regret of having through irresolution let the springtide of existence pass away unimproved unenjoyed—Gain experience—ah gain it—while experience is worth having and acquire sufficient fortitude to pursue your own happiness it includes your utility by a direct path What is wisdom too often but the owl of the goddess who sits moping in a desolated heart around me she shrieks but I would invite all the gay warblers of spring to nestle in your blooming bosom—Had I not wasted years in deliberating after I ceased to doubt how I ought to have acted—I might now be useful and happy—For my sake warned by my example always appear what you are and you will not pass through existence without enjoying its genuine blessings love and respect
Born in one of the most romantic parts of England an enthusiastic fondness for the varying charms of nature is the first sentiment I recollect or rather it was the first consciousness of pleasure that employed and formed my imagination
My father had been a captain of a man of war but disgusted with the service on account of the preferment of men whose chief merit was their family connections or borough interest he retired into the country and not knowing what to do with himself—married In his family to regain his lost consequence he determined to keep up the same passive obedience as in the vessels in which he had commanded His orders were not to be disputed and the whole house was expected to fly at the word of command as if to man the shrouds or mount aloft in an elemental strife big with life or death He was to be instantaneously obeyed especially by my mother whom he very benevolently married for love but took care to remind her of the obligation when she dared in the slightest instance to question his absolute authority My eldest brother it is true as he grew up was treated with more respect by my father and became in due form the deputytyrant of the house The representative of my father a being privileged by nature—a boy and the darling of my mother he did not fail to act like an heir apparent Such indeed was my mothers extravagant partiality that in comparison with her affection for him she might be said not to love the rest of her children Yet none of the children seemed to have so little affection for her Extreme indulgence had rendered him so selfish that he only thought of himself and from tormenting insects and animals he became the despot of his brothers and still more of his sisters
It is perhaps difficult to give you an idea of the petty cares which obscured the morning of my life continual restraint in the most trivial matters unconditional submission to orders which as a mere child I soon discovered to be unreasonable because inconsistent and contradictory Thus are we destined to experience a mixture of bitterness with the recollection of our most innocent enjoyments
The circumstances which during my childhood occurred to fashion my mind were various yet as it would probably afford me more pleasure to revive the fading remembrance of newborn delight than you my child could feel in the perusal I will not entice you to stray with me into the verdant meadow to search for the flowers that youthful hopes scatter in every path though as I write I almost scent the fresh green of spring—of that spring which never returns
I had two sisters and one brother younger than myself my brother Robert was two years older and might truly be termed the idol of his parents and the torment of the rest of the family Such indeed is the force of prejudice that what was called spirit and wit in him was cruelly repressed as forwardness in me
My mother had an indolence of character which prevented her from paying much attention to our education But the healthy breeze of a neighbouring heath on which we bounded at pleasure volatilized the humours that improper food might have generated And to enjoy open air and freedom was paradise after the unnatural restraint of our fireside where we were often obliged to sit three or four hours together without daring to utter a word when my father was out of humour from want of employment or of a variety of boisterous amusement I had however one advantage an instructor the brother of my father who intended for the church had of course received a liberal education But becoming attached to a young lady of great beauty and large fortune and acquiring in the world some opinions not consonant with the profession for which he was designed he accepted with the most sanguine expectations of success the offer of a nobleman to accompany him to India as his confidential secretary
A correspondence was regularly kept up with the object of his affection and the intricacies of business peculiarly wearisome to a man of a romantic turn of mind contributed with a forced absence to increase his attachment Every other passion was lost in this masterone and only served to swell the torrent Her relations such were his waking dreams who had despised him would court in their turn his alliance and all the blandishments of taste would grace the triumph of love—While he basked in the warm sunshine of love friendship also promised to shed its dewy freshness for a friend whom he loved next to his mistress was the confident who forwarded the letters from one to the other to elude the observation of prying relations A friend false in similar circumstances is my dearest girl an old tale yet let not this example or the frigid caution of coldblooded moralists make you endeavour to stifle hopes which are the buds that naturally unfold themselves during the spring of life Whilst your own heart is sincere always expect to meet one glowing with the same sentiments for to fly from pleasure is not to avoid pain
My uncle realized by good luck rather than management a handsome fortune and returning on the wings of love lost in the most enchanting reveries to England to share it with his mistress and his friend he found them—united
There were some circumstances not necessary for me to recite which aggravated the guilt of the friend beyond measure and the deception that had been carried on to the last moment was so base it produced the most violent effect on my uncles health and spirits His native country the world lately a garden of blooming sweets blasted by treachery seemed changed into a parched desert the abode of hissing serpents Disappointment rankled in his heart and brooding over his wrongs he was attacked by a raging fever followed by a derangement of mind which only gave place to habitual melancholy as he recovered more strength of body
Declaring an intention never to marry his relations were ever clustering about him paying the grossest adulation to a man who disgusted with mankind received them with scorn or bitter sarcasms Something in my countenance pleased him when I began to prattle Since his return he appeared dead to affection but I soon by showing him innocent fondness became a favourite and endeavouring to enlarge and strengthen my mind I grew dear to him in proportion as I imbibed his sentiments He had a forcible manner of speaking rendered more so by a certain impressive wildness of look and gesture calculated to engage the attention of a young and ardent mind It is not then surprising that I quickly adopted his opinions in preference and reverenced him as one of a superior order of beings He inculcated with great warmth selfrespect and a lofty consciousness of acting right independent of the censure or applause of the world nay he almost taught me to brave and even despise its censure when convinced of the rectitude of my own intentions
Endeavouring to prove to me that nothing which deserved the name of love or friendship existed in the world he drew such animated pictures of his own feelings rendered permanent by disappointment as imprinted the sentiments strongly on my heart and animated my imagination These remarks are necessary to elucidate some peculiarities in my character which by the world are indefinitely termed romantic
My uncles increasing affection led him to visit me often Still unable to rest in any place he did not remain long in the country to soften domestic tyranny but he brought me books for which I had a passion and they conspired with his conversation to make me form an ideal picture of life I shall pass over the tyranny of my father much as I suffered from it but it is necessary to notice that it undermined my mothers health and that her temper continually irritated by domestic bickering became intolerably peevish
My eldest brother was articled to a neighbouring attorney the shrewdest and I may add the most unprincipled man in that part of the country As my brother generally came home every Saturday to astonish my mother by exhibiting his attainments he gradually assumed a right of directing the whole family not excepting my father He seemed to take a peculiar pleasure in tormenting and humbling me and if I ever ventured to complain of this treatment to either my father or mother I was rudely rebuffed for presuming to judge of the conduct of my eldest brother
About this period a merchants family came to settle in our neighbourhood A mansionhouse in the village lately purchased had been preparing the whole spring and the sight of the costly furniture sent from London had excited my mothers envy and roused my fathers pride My sensations were very different and all of a pleasurable kind I longed to see new characters to break the tedious monotony of my life and to find a friend such as fancy had pourtrayed I cannot then describe the emotion I felt the Sunday they made their appearance at church My eyes were rivetted on the pillar round which I expected first to catch a glimpse of them and darted forth to meet a servant who hastily preceded a group of ladies whose white robes and waving plumes seemed to stream along the gloomy aisle diffusing the light by which I contemplated their figures
We visited them in form and I quickly selected the eldest daughter for my friend The second son George paid me particular attention and finding his attainments and manners superior to those of the young men of the village I began to imagine him superior to the rest of mankind Had my home been more comfortable or my previous acquaintance more numerous I should not probably have been so eager to open my heart to new affections
Mr Venables the merchant had acquired a large fortune by unremitting attention to business but his health declining rapidly he was obliged to retire before his son George had acquired sufficient experience to enable him to conduct their affairs on the same prudential plan his father had invariably pursued Indeed he had laboured to throw off his authority having despised his narrow plans and cautious speculation The eldest son could not be prevailed on to enter the firm and to oblige his wife and have peace in the house Mr Venables had purchased a commission for him in the guards
I am now alluding to circumstances which came to my knowledge long after but it is necessary my dearest child that you should know the character of your father to prevent your despising your mother the only parent inclined to discharge a parents duty In London George had acquired habits of libertinism which he carefully concealed from his father and his commercial connections The mask he wore was so complete a covering of his real visage that the praise his father lavished on his conduct and poor mistaken man on his principles contrasted with his brothers rendered the notice he took of me peculiarly flattering Without any fixed design as I am now convinced he continued to single me out at the dance press my hand at parting and utter expressions of unmeaning passion to which I gave a meaning naturally suggested by the romantic turn of my thoughts His stay in the country was short his manners did not entirely please me but when he left us the colouring of my picture became more vivid—Whither did not my imagination lead me In short I fancied myself in love—in love with the disinterestedness fortitude generosity dignity and humanity with which I had invested the hero I dubbed A circumstance which soon after occurred rendered all these virtues palpable The incident is perhaps worth relating on other accounts and therefore I shall describe it distinctly
I had a great affection for my nurse old Mary for whom I used often to work to spare her eyes Mary had a younger sister married to a sailor while she was suckling me for my mother only suckled my eldest brother which might be the cause of her extraordinary partiality Peggy Marys sister lived with her till her husband becoming a mate in a WestIndian trader got a little beforehand in the world He wrote to his wife from the first port in the Channel after his most successful voyage to request her to come to London to meet him he even wished her to determine on living there for the future to save him the trouble of coming to her the moment he came on shore and to turn a penny by keeping a greenstall It was too much to set out on a journey the moment he had finished a voyage and fifty miles by land was worse than a thousand leagues by sea
She packed up her alls and came to London—but did not meet honest Daniel A common misfortune prevented her and the poor are bound to suffer for the good of their country—he was pressed in the river—and never came on shore
Peggy was miserable in London not knowing as she said the face of any living soul Besides her imagination had been employed anticipating a month or six weeks happiness with her husband Daniel was to have gone with her to Sadlers Wells and Westminster Abbey and to many sights which he knew she never heard of in the country Peggy too was thrifty and how could she manage to put his plan in execution alone He had acquaintance but she did not know the very name of their places of abode His letters were made up of—How do you does and God bless yous—information was reserved for the hour of meeting
She too had her portion of information near at heart Molly and Jacky were grown such little darlings she was almost angry that daddy did not see their tricks She had not half the pleasure she should have had from their prattle could she have recounted to him each night the pretty speeches of the day Some stories however were stored up—and Jacky could say papa with such a sweet voice it must delight his heart Yet when she came and found no Daniel to greet her when Jacky called papa she wept bidding God bless his innocent soul that did not know what sorrow was—But more sorrow was in store for Peggy innocent as she was—Daniel was killed in the first engagement and then the papa was agony sounding to the heart
She had lived sparingly on his wages while there was any hope of his return but that gone she returned with a breaking heart to the country to a little market town nearly three miles from our village She did not like to go to service to be snubbed about after being her own mistress To put her children out to nurse was impossible how far would her wages go and to send them to her husbands parish a distant one was to lose her husband twice over
I had heard all from Mary and made my uncle furnish a little cottage for her to enable her to sell—so sacred was poor Daniels advice now he was dead and gone a little fruit toys and cakes The minding of the shop did not require her whole time nor even the keeping her children clean and she loved to see them clean so she took in washing and altogether made a shift to earn bread for her children still weeping for Daniel when Jackys arch looks made her think of his father—It was pleasant to work for her children—Yes from morning till night could she have had a kiss from their father God rest his soul Yes had it pleased Providence to have let him come back without a leg or an arm it would have been the same thing to her—for she did not love him because he maintained them—no she had hands of her own
The country people were honest and Peggy left her linen out to dry very late A recruiting party as she supposed passing through made free with a large wash for it was all swept away including her own and her childrens little stock
This was a dreadful blow two dozen of shirts stocks and handkerchiefs She gave the money which she had laid by for half a years rent and promised to pay two shillings a week till all was cleared so she did not lose her employment This two shillings a week and the buying a few necessaries for the children drove her so hard that she had not a penny to pay her rent with when a twelvemonths became due
She was now with Mary and had just told her tale which Mary instantly repeated—it was intended for my ear Many houses in this town producing a boroughinterest were included in the estate purchased by Mr Venables and the attorney with whom my brother lived was appointed his agent to collect and raise the rents
He demanded Peggys and in spite of her intreaties her poor goods had been seized and sold So that she had not and what was worse her children for she had known sorrow enough a bed to lie on She knew that I was goodnatured—right charitable yet not liking to ask for more than needs must she scorned to petition while people could any how be made to wait But now should she be turned out of doors she must expect nothing less than to lose all her customers and then she must beg or starve—and what would become of her children—had Daniel not been pressed—but God knows best—all this could not have happened
I had two mattresses on my bed what did I want with two when such a worthy creature must lie on the ground My mother would be angry but I could conceal it till my uncle came down and then I would tell him all the whole truth and if he absolved me heaven would
I begged the housemaid to come up stairs with me servants always feel for the distresses of poverty and so would the rich if they knew what it was She assisted me to tie up the mattrass I discovering at the same time that one blanket would serve me till winter could I persuade my sister who slept with me to keep my secret She entering in the midst of the package I gave her some new feathers to silence her We got the mattrass down the back stairs unperceived and I helped to carry it taking with me all the money I had and what I could borrow from my sister
When I got to the cottage Peggy declared that she would not take what I had brought secretly but when with all the eager eloquence inspired by a decided purpose I grasped her hand with weeping eyes assuring her that my uncle would screen me from blame when he was once more in the country describing at the same time what she would suffer in parting with her children after keeping them so long from being thrown on the parish she reluctantly consented
My project of usefulness ended not here I determined to speak to the attorney he frequently paid me compliments His character did not intimidate me but imagining that Peggy must be mistaken and that no man could turn a deaf ear to such a tale of complicated distress I determined to walk to the town with Mary the next morning and request him to wait for the rent and keep my secret till my uncles return
My repose was sweet and waking with the first dawn of day I bounded to Marys cottage What charms do not a light heart spread over nature Every bird that twittered in a bush every flower that enlivened the hedge seemed placed there to awaken me to rapture—yes to rapture The present moment was full fraught with happiness and on futurity I bestowed not a thought excepting to anticipate my success with the attorney
This man of the world with rosy face and simpering features received me politely nay kindly listened with complacency to my remonstrances though he scarcely heeded Marys tears I did not then suspect that my eloquence was in my complexion the blush of seventeen or that in a world where humanity to women is the characteristic of advancing civilization the beauty of a young girl was so much more interesting than the distress of an old one Pressing my hand he promised to let Peggy remain in the house as long as I wished—I more than returned the pressure—I was so grateful and so happy Emboldened by my innocent warmth he then kissed me—and I did not draw back—I took it for a kiss of charity
Gay as a lark I went to dine at Mr Venables I had previously obtained five shillings from my father towards reclothing the poor children of my care and prevailed on my mother to take one of the girls into the house whom I determined to teach to work and read
After dinner when the younger part of the circle retired to the music room I recounted with energy my tale that is I mentioned Peggys distress without hinting at the steps I had taken to relieve her Miss Venables gave me halfacrown the heir five shillings but George sat unmoved I was cruelly distressed by the disappointment—I scarcely could remain on my chair and could I have got out of the room unperceived I should have flown home as if to run away from myself After several vain attempts to rise I leaned my head against the marble chimneypiece and gazing on the evergreens that filled the fireplace moralized on the vanity of human expectations regardless of the company I was roused by a gentle tap on my shoulder from behind Charlottes chair I turned my head and George slid a guinea into my hand putting his finger to his mouth to enjoin me silence
What a revolution took place not only in my train of thoughts but feelings I trembled with emotion—now indeed I was in love Such delicacy too to enhance his benevolence I felt in my pocket every five minutes only to feel the guinea and its magic touch invested my hero with more than mortal beauty My fancy had found a basis to erect its model of perfection on and quickly went to work with all the happy credulity of youth to consider that heart as devoted to virtue which had only obeyed a virtuous impulse The bitter experience was yet to come that has taught me how very distinct are the principles of virtue from the casual feelings from which they germinate
CHAPTER 8
I HAVE perhaps dwelt too long on a circumstance which is only of importance as it marks the progress of a deception that has been so fatal to my peace and introduces to your notice a poor girl whom intending to serve I led to ruin Still it is probable that I was not entirely the victim of mistake and that your father gradually fashioned by the world did not quickly become what I hesitate to call him—out of respect to my daughter
But to hasten to the more busy scenes of my life Mr Venables and my mother died the same summer and wholly engrossed by my attention to her I thought of little else The neglect of her darling my brother Robert had a violent effect on her weakened mind for though boys may be reckoned the pillars of the house without doors girls are often the only comfort within They but too frequently waste their health and spirits attending a dying parent who leaves them in comparative poverty After closing with filial piety a fathers eyes they are chased from the paternal roof to make room for the firstborn the son who is to carry the empty familyname down to posterity though occupied with his own pleasures he scarcely thought of discharging in the decline of his parents life the debt contracted in his childhood My mothers conduct led me to make these reflections Great as was the fatigue I endured and the affection my unceasing solicitude evinced of which my mother seemed perfectly sensible still when my brother whom I could hardly persuade to remain a quarter of an hour in her chamber was with her alone a short time before her death she gave him a little hoard which she had been some years accumulating
During my mothers illness I was obliged to manage my fathers temper who from the lingering nature of her malady began to imagine that it was merely fancy At this period an artful kind of upper servant attracted my fathers attention and the neighbours made many remarks on the finery not honestly got exhibited at evening service But I was too much occupied with my mother to observe any change in her dress or behaviour or to listen to the whisper of scandal
I shall not dwell on the deathbed scene lively as is the remembrance or on the emotion produced by the last grasp of my mothers cold hand when blessing me she added A little patience and all will be over Ah my child how often have those words rung mournfully in my ears—and I have exclaimed—A little more patience and I too shall be at rest
My father was violently affected by her death recollected instances of his unkindness and wept like a child
My mother had solemnly recommended my sisters to my care and bid me be a mother to them They indeed became more dear to me as they became more forlorn for during my mothers illness I discovered the ruined state of my fathers circumstances and that he had only been able to keep up appearances by the sums which he borrowed of my uncle
My fathers grief and consequent tenderness to his children quickly abated the house grew still more gloomy or riotous and my refuge from care was again at Mr Venables the young squire having taken his fathers place and allowing for the present his sister to preside at his table George though dissatisfied with his portion of the fortune which had till lately been all in trade visited the family as usual He was now full of speculations in trade and his brow became clouded by care He seemed to relax in his attention to me when the presence of my uncle gave a new turn to his behaviour I was too unsuspecting too disinterested to trace these changes to their source
My home every day became more and more disagreeable to me my liberty was unnecessarily abridged and my books on the pretext that they made me idle taken from me My fathers mistress was with child and he doating on her allowed or overlooked her vulgar manner of tyrannizing over us I was indignant especially when I saw her endeavouring to attract shall I say seduce my younger brother By allowing women but one way of rising in the world the fostering the libertinism of men society makes monsters of them and then their ignoble vices are brought forward as a proof of inferiority of intellect
The wearisomeness of my situation can scarcely be described Though my life had not passed in the most even tenour with my mother it was paradise to that I was destined to endure with my fathers mistress jealous of her illegitimate authority My fathers former occasional tenderness in spite of his violence of temper had been soothing to me but now he only met me with reproofs or portentous frowns The housekeeper as she was now termed was the vulgar despot of the family and assuming the new character of a fine lady she could never forgive the contempt which was sometimes visible in my countenance when she uttered with pomposity her bad English or affected to be well bred
To my uncle I ventured to open my heart and he with his wonted benevolence began to consider in what manner he could extricate me out of my present irksome situation In spite of his own disappointment or most probably actuated by the feelings that had been petrified not cooled in all their sanguine fervour like a boiling torrent of lava suddenly dash ing into the sea he thought a marriage of mutual inclination would envious stars permit it the only chance for happiness in this disastrous world George Venables had the reputation of being attentive to business and my fathers example gave great weight to this circumstance for habits of order in business would he conceived extend to the regulation of the affections in domestic life George seldom spoke in my uncles company except to utter a short judicious question or to make a pertinent remark with all due deference to his superior judgment so that my uncle seldom left his company without observing that the young man had more in him than people supposed
In this opinion he was not singular yet believe me and I am not swayed by resentment these speeches so justly poized this silent deference when the animal spirits of other young people were throwing off youthful ebullitions were not the effect of thought or humility but sheer barrenness of mind and want of imagination A colt of mettle will curvet and shew his paces Yes my dear girl these prudent young men want all the fire necessary to ferment their faculties and are characterized as wise only because they are not foolish It is true that George was by no means so great a favourite of mine as during the first year of our acquaintance still as he often coincided in opinion with me and echoed my sentiments and having myself no other attachment I heard with pleasure my uncles proposal but thought more of obtaining my freedom than of my lover But when George seemingly anxious for my happiness pressed me to quit my present painful situation my heart swelled with gratitude—I knew not that my uncle had promised him five thousand pounds
Had this truly generous man mentioned his intention to me I should have insisted on a thousand pounds being settled on each of my sisters George would have contested I should have seen his selfish soul and—gracious God have been spared the misery of discovering when too late that I was united to a heartless unprincipled wretch All my schemes of usefulness would not then have been blasted The tenderness of my heart would not have heated my imagination with visions of the ineffable delight of happy love nor would the sweet duty of a mother have been so cruelly interrupted
But I must not suffer the fortitude I have so hardly acquired to be undermined by unavailing regret Let me hasten forward to describe the turbid stream in which I had to wade—but let me exultingly declare that it is passed—my soul holds fellowship with him no more He cut the Gordian knot which my principles mistaken ones respected he dissolved the tie the fetters rather that ate into my very vitals—and I should rejoice conscious that my mind is freed though confined in hell itself the only place that even fancy can imagine more dreadful than my present abode
These varying emotions will not allow me to proceed I heave sigh after sigh yet my heart is still oppressed For what am I reserved Why was I not born a man or why was I born at all
CHAPTER 9
I RESUME my pen to fly from thought I was married and we hastened to London I had purposed taking one of my sisters with me for a strong motive for marrying was the desire of having a home at which I could receive them now their own grew so uncomfortable as not to deserve the cheering appellation An objection was made to her accompanying me that appeared plausible and I reluctantly acquiesced I was however willingly allowed to take with me Molly poor Peggys daughter London and preferment are ideas commonly associated in the country and as blooming as May she bade adieu to Peggy with weeping eyes I did not even feel hurt at the refusal in relation to my sister till hearing what my uncle had done for me I had the simplicity to request speaking with warmth of their situation that he would give them a thousand pounds apiece which seemed to me but justice He asked me giving me a kiss If I had lost my senses I started back as if I had found a wasp in a rosebush I expostulated He sneered and the demon of discord entered our paradise to poison with his pestiferous breath every opening joy
I had sometimes observed defects in my husbands understanding but led astray by a prevailing opinion that goodness of disposition is of the first importance in the relative situations of life in proportion as I perceived the narrowness of his understanding fancy enlarged the boundary of his heart Fatal error How quickly is the so much vaunted milkiness of nature turned into gall by an intercourse with the world if more generous juices do not sustain the vital source of virtue
One trait in my character was extreme credulity but when my eyes were once opened I saw but too clearly all I had before overlooked My husband was sunk in my esteem still there are youthful emotions which for a while fill up the chasm of love and friendship Besides it required some time to enable me to see his whole character in a just light or rather to allow it to become fixed While circumstances were ripening my faculties and cultivating my taste commerce and gross relaxations were shutting his against any possibility of improvement till by stifling every spark of virtue in himself he began to imagine that it no where existed
Do not let me lead you astray my child I do not mean to assert that any human being is entirely incapable of feeling the generous emotions which are the foundation of every true principle of virtue but they are frequently I fear so feeble that like the inflammable quality which more or less lurks in all bodies they often lie for ever dormant the circumstances never occurring necessary to call them into action
I discovered however by chance that in consequence of some losses in trade the natural effect of his gambling desire to start suddenly into riches the five thousand pounds given me by my uncle had been paid very opportunely This discovery strange as you may think the assertion gave me pleasure my husbands embarrassments endeared him to me I was glad to find an excuse for his conduct to my sisters and my mind became calmer
My uncle introduced me to some literary society and the theatres were a neverfailing source of amusement to me My delighted eye followed Mrs Siddons when with dignified delicacy she played Califta and I involuntarily repeated after her in the same tone and with a longdrawn sigh
Hearts like ours were paird—not matchd
These were at first spontaneous emotions though becoming acquainted with men of wit and polished manners I could not sometimes help regretting my early marriage and that in my haste to escape from a temporary dependence and expand my newly fledged wings in an unknown sky I had been caught in a trap and caged for life Still the novelty of London and the attentive fondness of my husband for he had some personal regard for me made several months glide away Yet not forgetting the situation of my sisters who were still very young I prevailed on my uncle to settle a thousand pounds on each and to place them in a school near town where I could frequently visit as well as have them at home with me
I now tried to improve my husbands taste but we had few subjects in common indeed he soon appeared to have little relish for my society unless he was hinting to me the use he could make of my uncles wealth When we had company I was disgusted by an ostentatious display of riches and I have often quitted the room to avoid listening to exaggerated tales of money obtained by lucky hits
With all my attention and affectionate interest I perceived that I could not become the friend or confident of my husband Every thing I learned relative to his affairs I gathered up by accident and I vainly endeavoured to establish at our fireside that social converse which often renders people of different characters dear to each other Returning from the theatre or any amusing party I frequently began to relate what I had seen and highly relished but with sullen taciturnity he soon silenced me I seemed therefore gradually to lose in his society the soul the energies of which had just been in action To such a degree in fact did his cold reserved manner affect me that after spending some days with him alone I have imagined myself the most stupid creature in the world till the abilities of some casual visitor convinced me that I had some dormant animation and sentiments above the dust in which I had been groveling The very countenance of my husband changed his complexion became sallow and all the charms of youth were vanishing with its vivacity
I give you one view of the subject but these experiments and alterations took up the space of five years during which period I had most reluctantly extorted several sums from my uncle to save my husband to use his own words from destruction At first it was to prevent bills being noted to the injury of his credit then to bail him and afterwards to prevent an execution from entering the house I began at last to conclude that he would have made more exertions of his own to extricate himself had he not relied on mine cruel as was the task he imposed on me and I firmly determined that I would make use of no more pretexts
From the moment I pronounced this determination indifference on his part was changed into rudeness or something worse
He now seldom dined at home and continually returned at a late hour drunk to bed I retired to another apartment I was glad I own to escape from his for personal intimacy without affection seemed to me the most degrading as well as the most painful state in which a woman of any taste not to speak of the peculiar delicacy of fostered sensibility could be placed But my husbands fondness for women was of the grossest kind and imagination was so wholly out of the question as to render his indulgences of this sort entirely promiscuous and of the most brutal nature My health suffered before my heart was entirely estranged by the loathsome information could I then have returned to his sullied arms but as a victim to the prejudices of mankind who have made women the property of their husbands I discovered even by his conversation when intoxicated that his favourites were wantons of the lowest class who could by their vulgar indecent mirth which he called nature rouse his sluggish spirits Meretricious ornaments and manners were necessary to attract his attention He seldom looked twice at a modest woman and sat silent in their company and the charms of youth and beauty had not the slightest effect on his senses unless the possessors were initiated in vice His intimacy with profligate women and his habits of thinking gave him a contempt for female endowments and he would repeat when wine had loosed his tongue most of the commonplace sarcasms levelled at them by men who do not allow them to have minds because mind would be an impediment to gross enjoyment Men who are inferior to their fellow men are always most anxious to establish their superiority over women But where are these reflections leading me
Women who have lost their husbands affection are justly reproved for neglecting their persons and not taking the same pains to keep as to gain a heart but who thinks of giving the same advice to men though women are continually stigmatized for being attached to fops and from the nature of their education are more susceptible of disgust Yet why a woman should be expected to endure a sloven with more patience than a man and magnanimously to govern herself I cannot conceive unless it be supposed arrogant in her to look for respect as well as a maintenance It is not easy to be pleased because after promising to love in different circumstances we are told that it is our duty I cannot I am sure though when attending the sick I never felt disgust forget my own sensations when rising with health and spirit and after scenting the sweet morning I have met my husband at the breakfast table The active attention I had been giving to domestic regulations which were generally settled before he rose or a walk gave a glow to my countenance that contrasted with his squallid appearance The squeamishness of stomach alone produced by the last nights intemperance which he took no pains to conceal destroyed my appetite I think I now see him lolling in an armchair in a dirty powdering gown soiled linen ungartered stockings and tangled hair yawning and stretching himself The newspaper was immediately called for if not brought in on the teaboard from which he would scarcely lift his eyes while I poured out the tea excepting to ask for some brandy to put into it or to declare that he could not eat In answer to any question in his best humour it was a drawling What do you say child But if I demanded money for the house expences which I put off till the last moment his customary reply often prefaced with an oath was Do you think me madam made of money—The butcher the baker must wait and what was worse I was often obliged to witness his surly dismission of tradesmen who were in want of their money and whom I sometimes paid with the presents my uncle gave me for my own use
At this juncture my fathers mistress by terrifying his conscience prevailed on him to marry her he was already become a methodist and my brother who now practised for himself had discovered a flaw in the settlement made on my mothers children which set it aside and he allowed my father whose distress made him submit to any thing a tithe of his own or rather our fortune
My sisters had left school but were unable to endure home which my fathers wife rendered as disagreeable as possible to get rid of girls whom she regarded as spies on her conduct They were accomplished yet you can may you never be reduced to the same destitute state scarcely conceive the trouble I had to place them in the situation of governesses the only one in which even a welleducated woman with more than ordinary talents can struggle for a subsistence and even this is a dependence next to menial Is it then surprising that so many forlorn women with human passions and feelings take refuge in infamy Alone in large mansions I say alone because they had no companions with whom they could converse on equal terms or from whom they could expect the endearments of affection they grew melancholy and the sound of joy made them sad and the youngest having a more delicate frame fell into a decline It was with great difficulty that I who now almost supported the house by loans from my uncle could prevail on the master of it to allow her a room to die in I watched her sick bed for some months and then closed her eyes gentle spirit for ever She was pretty with very engaging manners yet had never an opportunity to marry excepting to a very old man She had abilities sufficient to have shone in any profession had there been any professions for women though she shrunk at the name of milliner or mantuamaker as degrading to a gentlewoman I would not term this feeling false pride to any one but you my child whom I fondly hope to see yes I will indulge the hope for a moment possessed of that energy of character which gives dignity to any station and with that clear firm spirit that will enable you to choose a situation for yourself or submit to be classed in the lowest if it be the only one in which you can be the mistress of your own actions
Soon after the death of my sister an incident occurred to prove to me that the heart of a libertine is dead to natural affection and to convince me that the being who has appeared all tenderness to gratify a selfish passion is as regardless of the innocent fruit of it as of the object when the fit is over I had casually observed an old meanlooking woman who called on my husband every two or three months to receive some money One day entering the passage of his little countinghouse as she was going out I heard her say The child is very weak she cannot live long she will soon die out of your way so you need not grudge her a little physic
So much the better he replied and pray mind your own business good woman
I was struck by his unfeeling inhuman tone of voice and drew back determined when the woman came again to try to speak to her not out of curiosity I had heard enough but with the hope of being useful to a poor outcast girl
A month or two elapsed before I saw this woman again and then she had a child in her hand that tottered along scarcely able to sustain her own weight They were going away to return at the hour Mr Venables was expected he was now from home I desired the woman to walk into the parlour She hesitated yet obeyed I assured her that I should not mention to my husband the word seemed to weigh on my respiration that I had seen her or his child The woman stared at me with astonishment and I turned my eyes on the squalid object that accompanied her She could hardly support herself her complexion was sallow and her eyes inflamed with an indescribable look of cunning mixed with the wrinkles produced by the peevishness of pain
Poor child I exclaimed Ah you may well say poor child replied the woman I brought her here to see whether he would have the heart to look at her and not get some advice I do not know what they deserve who nursed her Why her legs bent under her like a bow when she came to me and she has never been well since but if they were no better paid than I am it is not to be wondered at sure enough
On further enquiry I was informed that this miserable spectacle was the daughter of a servant a country girl who caught Mr Venables eye and whom he seduced On his marriage he sent her away her situation being too visible After her delivery she was thrown on the town and died in an hospital within the year The babe was sent to a parishnurse and afterwards to this woman who did not seem much better but what was to be expected from such a close bargain She was only paid three shillings a week for board and washing
The woman begged me to give her some old clothes for the child assuring me that she was almost afraid to ask master for money to buy even a pair of shoes
I grew sick at heart And fearing Mr Venables might enter and oblige me to express my abhorrence I hastily enquired where she lived promised to pay her two shillings a week more and to call on her in a day or two putting a trifle into her hand as a proof of my good intention
If the state of this child affected me what were my feelings at a discovery I made respecting Peggy—
The manuscript is imperfect here An episode seems to
have been intended which was never committed to paper
EDITOR Godwins note
CHAPTER 10
MY FATHERS situation was now so distressing that I prevailed on my uncle to accompany me to visit him and to lend me his assistance to prevent the whole property of the family from becoming the prey of my brothers rapacity for to extricate himself out of present difficulties my father was totally regardless of futurity I took down with me some presents for my stepmother it did not require an effort for me to treat her with civility or to forget the past
This was the first time I had visited my native village since my marriage But with what different emotions did I return from the busy world with a heavy weight of experience benumbing my imagination to scenes that whispered recollections of joy and hope most eloquently to my heart The first scent of the wild flowers from the heath thrilled through my veins awakening every sense to pleasure The icy hand of despair seemed to be removed from my bosom and—forgetting my husband—the nurtured visions of a romantic mind bursting on me with all their original wildness and gay exuberance were again hailed as sweet realities I forgot with equal facility that I ever felt sorrow or knew care in the country while a transient rainbow stole athwart the cloudy sky of despondency The picturesque form of several favourite trees and the porches of rude cottages with their smiling hedges were recognized with the gladsome playfulness of childish vivacity I could have kissed the chickens that pecked on the common and longed to pat the cows and frolic with the dogs that sported on it I gazed with delight on the windmill and thought it lucky that it should be in motion at the moment I passed by and entering the dear green lane which led directly to the village the sound of the wellknown rookery gave that sentimental tinge to the varying sensations of my active soul which only served to heighten the lustre of the luxuriant scenery But spying as I advanced the spire peeping over the withered tops of the aged elms that composed the rookery my thoughts flew immediately to the churchyard and tears of affection such was the effect of my imagination bedewed my mothers grave Sorrow gave place to devotional feelings I wandered through the church in fancy as I used sometimes to do on a Saturday evening I recollected with what fervour I addressed the God of my youth and once more with rapturous love looked above my sorrows to the Father of nature I pause—feeling forcibly all the emotions I am describing and reminded as I register my sorrows of the sublime calm I have felt when in some tremendous solitude my soul rested on itself and seemed to fill the universe I insensibly breathe soft hushing every wayward emotion as if fearing to sully with a sigh a contentment so extatic
Having settled my fathers affairs and by my exertions in his favour made my brother my sworn foe I returned to London My husbands conduct was now changed I had during my absence received several affectionate penitential letters from him and he seemed on my arrival to wish by his behaviour to prove his sincerity I could not then conceive why he acted thus and when the suspicion darted into my head that it might arise from observing my increasing influence with my uncle I almost despised myself for imagining that such a degree of debasing selfishness could exist
He became unaccountable as was the change tender and attentive and attacking my weak side made a confession of his follies and lamented the embarrassments in which I who merited a far different fate might be involved He besought me to aid him with my counsel praised my understanding and appealed to the tenderness of my heart
This conduct only inspired me with compassion I wished to be his friend but love had spread his rosy pinions and fled far far away and had not like some exquisite perfumes the fine spirit of which is continually mingling with the air left a fragrance behind to mark where he had shook his wings My husbands renewed caresses then became hateful to me his brutality was tolerable compared to his distasteful fondness Still compassion and the fear of insulting his supposed feelings by a want of sympathy made me dissemble and do violence to my delicacy What a task
Those who support a system of what I term false refinement and will not allow great part of love in the female as well as male breast to spring in some respects involuntarily may not admit that charms are as necessary to feed the passion as virtues to convert the mellowing spirit into friendship To such observers I have nothing to say any more than to the moralists who insist that women ought to and can love their husbands because it is their duty To you my child I may add with a heart tremblingly alive to your future conduct some observations dictated by my present feelings on calmly reviewing this period of my life When novelists or moralists praise as a virtue a womans coldness of constitution and want of passion and make her yield to the ardour of her lover out of sheer compassion or to promote a frigid plan of future comfort I am disgusted They may be good women in the ordinary acceptation of the phrase and do no harm but they appear to me not to have those finely fashioned nerves which render the senses exquisite They may possess tenderness but they want that fire of the imagination which produces active sensibility and positive virtue How does the woman deserve to be characterized who marries one man with a heart and imagination devoted to another Is she not an object of pity or contempt when thus sacrilegiously violating the purity of her own feelings Nay it is as indelicate when she is indifferent unless she be constitutionally insensible then indeed it is a mere affair of barter and I have nothing to do with the secrets of trade Yes eagerly as I wish you to possess true rectitude of mind and purity of affection I must insist that a heartless conduct is the contrary of virtuous Truth is the only basis of virtue and we cannot without depraving our minds endeavour to please a lover or husband but in proportion as he pleases us Men more effectually to enslave us may inculcate this partial morality and lose sight of virtue in subdividing it into the duties of particular stations but let us not blush for nature without a cause
After these remarks I am ashamed to own that I was pregnant The greatest sacrifice of my principles in my whole life was the allowing my husband again to be familiar with my person though to this cruel act of selfdenial when I wished the earth to open and swallow me you owe your birth and I the unutterable pleasure of being a mother There was something of delicacy in my husbands bridal attentions but now his tainted breath pimpled face and bloodshot eyes were not more repugnant to my senses than his gross manners and loveless familiarity to my taste
A man would only be expected to maintain yes barely grant a subsistence to a woman rendered odious by habitual intoxication but who would expect him or think it possible to love her And unless youth and genial years were flown it would be thought equally unreasonable to insist under penalty of forfeiting almost every thing reckoned valuable in life that he should not love another whilst woman weak in reason impotent in will is required to moralize sentimentalize herself to stone and pine her life away labouring to reform her embruted mate He may even spend in dissipation and intemperance the very intemperance which renders him so hateful her property and by stinting her expences not permit her to beguile in society a wearisome joyless life for over their mutual fortune she has no power it must all pass through his hand And if she be a mother and in the present state of women it is a great misfortune to be prevented from discharging the duties and cultivating the affections of one what has she not to endure—But I have suffered the tenderness of one to lead me into reflections that I did not think of making to interrupt my narrative—yet the full heart will overflow
Mr Venables embarrassments did not now endear him to me still anxious to befriend him I endeavoured to prevail on him to retrench his expences but he had always some plausible excuse to give to justify his not following my advice Humanity compassion and the interest produced by a habit of living together made me try to relieve and sympathize with him but when I recollected that I was bound to live with such a being for ever—my heart died within me my desire of improvement became languid and baleful corroding melancholy took possession of my soul Marriage had bastilled me for life I discovered in myself a capacity for the enjoyment of the various pleasures existence affords yet fettered by the partial laws of society this fair globe was to me an universal blank
When I exhorted my husband to economy I referred to himself I was obliged to practise the most rigid or contract debts which I had too much reason to fear would never be paid I despised this paltry privilege of a wife which can only be of use to the vicious or inconsiderate and determined not to increase the torrent that was bearing him down I was then ignorant of the extent of his fraudulent speculations whom I was bound to honour and obey
A woman neglected by her husband or whose manners form a striking contrast with his will always have men on the watch to soothe and flatter her Besides the forlorn state of a neglected woman not destitute of personal charms is particularly interesting and rouses that species of pity which is so near akin it easily slides into love A man of feeling thinks not of seducing he is himself seduced by all the noblest emotions of his soul He figures to himself all the sacrifices a woman of sensibility must make and every situation in which his imagination places her touches his heart and fires his passions Longing to take to his bosom the shorn lamb and bid the drooping buds of hope revive benevolence changes into passion and should he then discover that he is beloved honour binds him fast though foreseeing that he may afterwards be obliged to pay severe damages to the man who never appeared to value his wifes society till he found that there was a chance of his being indemnified for the loss of it
Such are the partial laws enacted by men for only to lay a stress on the dependent state of a woman in the grand question of the comforts arising from the possession of property she is even in this article much more injured by the loss of the husbands affection than he by that of his wife yet where is she condemned to the solitude of a deserted home to look for a compensation from the woman who seduces him from her She cannot drive an unfaithful husband from his house nor separate or tear his children from him however culpable he may be and he still the master of his own fate enjoys the smiles of a world that would brand her with infamy did she seeking consolation venture to retaliate
These remarks are not dictated by experience but merely by the compassion I feel for many amiable women the outlaws of the world For myself never encouraging any of the advances that were made to me my lovers dropped off like the untimely shoots of spring I did not even coquet with them because I found on examining myself I could not coquet with a man without loving him a little and I perceived that I should not be able to stop at the line of what are termed innocent freedoms did I suffer any My reserve was then the consequence of delicacy Freedom of conduct has emancipated many womens minds but my conduct has most rigidly been governed by my principles till the improvement of my understanding has enabled me to discern the fallacy of prejudices at war with nature and reason
Shortly after the change I have mentioned in my husbands conduct my uncle was compelled by his declining health to seek the succour of a milder climate and embark for Lisbon He left his will in the hands of a friend an eminent solicitor he had previously questioned me relative to my situation and state of mind and declared very freely that he could place no reliance on the stability of my husbands professions He had been deceived in the unfolding of his character he now thought it fixed in a train of actions that would inevitably lead to ruin and disgrace
The evening before his departure which we spent alone together he folded me to his heart uttering the endearing appellation of child—My more than father why was I not permitted to perform the last duties of one and smooth the pillow of death He seemed by his manner to be convinced that he should never see me more yet requested me most earnestly to come to him should I be obliged to leave my husband He had before expressed his sorrow at hearing of my pregnancy having determined to prevail on me to accompany him till I informed him of that circumstance He expressed himself unfeignedly sorry that any new tie should bind me to a man whom he thought so incapable of estimating my value such was the kind language of affection
I must repeat his own words they made an indelible impression on my mind
The marriage state is certainly that in which women generally speaking can be most useful but I am far from thinking that a woman once married ought to consider the engagement as indissoluble especially if there be no children to reward her for sacrificing her feelings in case her husband merits neither her love nor esteem Esteem will often supply the place of love and prevent a woman from being wretched though it may not make her happy The magnitude of a sacrifice ought always to bear some proportion to the utility in view and for a woman to live with a man for whom she can cherish neither affection nor esteem or even be of any use to him excepting in the light of a housekeeper is an abjectness of condition the enduring of which no concurrence of circumstances can ever make a duty in the sight of God or just men If indeed she submits to it merely to be maintained in idleness she has no right to complain bitterly of her fate or to act as a person of independent character might as if she had a title to disregard general rules
But the misfortune is that many women only submit in appearance and forfeit their own respect to secure their reputation in the world The situation of a woman separated from her husband is undoubtedly very different from that of a man who has left his wife He with lordly dignity has shaken of a clog and the allowing her food and raiment is thought sufficient to secure his reputation from taint And should she have been inconsiderate he will be celebrated for his generosity and forbearance Such is the respect paid to the masterkey of property A woman on the contrary resigning what is termed her natural protector though he never was so but in name is despised and shunned for asserting the independence of mind distinctive of a rational being and spurning at slavery
During the remainder of the evening my uncles tenderness led him frequently to revert to the subject and utter with increasing warmth sentiments to the same purport At length it was necessary to say Farewell—and we parted—gracious God to meet no more
CHAPTER 11
A GENTLEMAN of large fortune and of polished manners had lately visited very frequently at our house and treated me if possible with more respect than Mr Venables paid him my pregnancy was not yet visible his society was a great relief to me as I had for some time past to avoid expence confined myself very much at home I ever disdained unnecessary perhaps even prudent concealments and my husband with great ease discovered the amount of my uncles parting present A copy of a writ was the stale pretext to extort it from me and I had soon reason to believe that it was fabricated for the purpose I acknowledge my folly in thus suffering myself to be continually imposed on I had adhered to my resolution not to apply to my uncle on the part of my husband any more yet when I had received a sum sufficient to supply my own wants and to enable me to pursue a plan I had in view to settle my younger brother in a respectable employment I allowed myself to be duped by Mr Venables shallow pretences and hypocritical professions
Thus did he pillage me and my family thus frustrate all my plans of usefulness Yet this was the man I was bound to respect and esteem as if respect and esteem depended on an arbitrary will of our own But a wife being as much a mans property as his horse or his ass she has nothing she can call her own He may use any means to get at what the law considers as his the moment his wife is in possession of it even to the forcing of a lock as Mr Venables did to search for notes in my writingdesk—and all this is done with a show of equity because forsooth he is responsible for her maintenance
The tender mother cannot lawfully snatch from the gripe of the gambling spendthrift or beastly drunkard unmindful of his offspring the fortune which falls to her by chance or so flagrant is the injustice what she earns by her own exertions No he can rob her with impunity even to waste publicly on a courtezan and the laws of her country—if women have a country—afford her no protection or redress from the oppressor unless she have the plea of bodily fear yet how many ways are there of goading the soul almost to madness equally unmanly though not so mean When such laws were framed should not impartial lawgivers have first decreed in the style of a great assembly who recognized the existence of an etre supreme to fix the national belief that the husband should always be wiser and more virtuous than his wife in order to entitle him with a show of justice to keep this idiot or perpetual minor for ever in bondage But I must have done—on this subject my indignation continually runs away with me
The company of the gentleman I have already mentioned who had a general acquaintance with literature and subjects of taste was grateful to me my countenance brightened up as he approached and I unaffectedly expressed the pleasure I felt The amusement his conversation afforded me made it easy to comply with my husbands request to endeavour to render our house agreeable to him
His attentions became more pointed but as I was not of the number of women whose virtue as it is termed immediately takes alarm I endeavoured rather by raillery than serious expostulation to give a different turn to his conversation He assumed a new mode of attack and I was for a while the dupe of his pretended friendship
I had merely in the style of badinage boasted of my conquest and repeated his loverlike compliments to my husband But he begged me for Gods sake not to affront his friend or I should destroy all his projects and be his ruin Had I had more affection for my husband I should have expressed my contempt of this timeserving politeness now I imagined that I only felt pity yet it would have puzzled a casuist to point out in what the exact difference consisted
This friend began now in confidence to discover to me the real state of my husbands affairs Necessity said Mr S—— why should I reveal his name for he affected to palliate the conduct he could not excuse had led him to take such steps by accommodation bills buying goods on credit to sell them for ready money and similar transactions that his character in the commercial world was gone He was considered he added lowering his voice on Change as a swindler
I felt at that moment the first maternal pang Aware of the evils my sex have to struggle with I still wished for my own consolation to be the mother of a daughter and I could not bear to think that the sins of her fathers entailed disgrace should be added to the ills to which woman is heir
So completely was I deceived by these shows of friendship nay I believe according to his interpretation Mr S—— really was my friend that I began to consult him respecting the best mode of retrieving my husbands character it is the good name of a woman only that sets to rise no more I knew not that he had been drawn into a whirlpool out of which he had not the energy to attempt to escape He seemed indeed destitute of the power of employing his faculties in any regular pursuit His principles of action were so loose and his mind so uncultivated that every thing like order appeared to him in the shape of restraint and like men in the savage state he required the strong stimulus of hope or fear produced by wild speculations in which the interests of others went for nothing to keep his spirits awake He one time professed patriotism but he knew not what it was to feel honest indignation and pretended to be an advocate for liberty when with as little affection for the human race as for individuals he thought of nothing but his own gratification He was just such a citizen as a father The sums he adroitly obtained by a violation of the laws of his country as well as those of humanity he would allow a mistress to squander though she was with the same sang froid consigned as were his children to poverty when another proved more attractive
On various pretences his friend continued to visit me and observing my want of money he tried to induce me to accept of pecuniary aid but this offer I absolutely rejected though it was made with such delicacy I could not be displeased
One day he came as I thought accidentally to dinner My husband was very much engaged in business and quitted the room soon after the cloth was removed We conversed as usual till confidential advice led again to love I was extremely mortified I had a sincere regard for him and hoped that he had an equal friendship for me I therefore began mildly to expostulate with him This gentleness he mistook for coy encouragement and he would not be diverted from the subject Perceiving his mistake I seriously asked him how using such language to me he could profess to be my husbands friend A significant sneer excited my curiosity and he supposing this to be my only scruple took a letter deliberately out of his pocket saying Your husbands honour is not inflexible How could you with your discernment think it so Why he left the room this very day on purpose to give me an opportunity to explain myself he thought me too timid—too tardy
I snatched the letter with indescribable emotion The purport of it was to invite him to dinner and to ridicule his chivalrous respect for me He assured him that every woman had her price and with gross indecency hinted that he should be glad to have the duty of a husband taken off his hands These he termed liberal sentiments He advised him not to shock my romantic notions but to attack my credulous generosity and weak pity and concluded with requesting him to lend him five hundred pounds for a month or six weeks I read this letter twice over and the firm purpose it inspired calmed the rising tumult of my soul I rose deliberately requested Mr S—— to wait a moment and instantly going into the countinghouse desired Mr Venables to return with me to the diningparlour
He laid down his pen and entered with me without observing any change in my countenance I shut the door and giving him the letter simply asked whether he wrote it or was it a forgery
Nothing could equal his confusion His friends eye met his and he muttered something about a joke—But I interrupted him—It is sufficient—We part for ever
I continued with solemnity I have borne with your tyranny and infidelities I disdain to utter what I have borne with I thought you unprincipled but not so decidedly vicious I formed a tie in the sight of heaven—I have held it sacred even when men more conformable to my taste have made me feel—I despise all subterfuge—that I was not dead to love Neglected by you I have resolutely stifled the enticing emotions and respected the plighted faith you outraged And you dare now to insult me by selling me to prostitution—Yes—equally lost to delicacy and principle—you dared sacrilegiously to barter the honour of the mother of your child
Then turning to Mr S—— I added I call on you Sir to witness and I lifted my hands and eyes to heaven that as solemnly as I took his name I now abjure it I pulled off my ring and put it on the table and that I mean immediately to quit his house never to enter it more I will provide for myself and child I leave him as free as I am determined to be myself—he shall be answerable for no debts of mine
Astonishment closed their lips till Mr Venables gently pushing his friend with a forced smile out of the room nature for a moment prevailed and appearing like himself he turned round burning with rage to me but there was no terror in the frown excepting when contrasted with the malignant smile which preceded it He bade me leave the house at my peril told me he despised my threats I had no resource I could not swear the peace against him—I was not afraid of my life—he had never struck me
He threw the letter in the fire which I had incautiously left in his hands and quitting the room locked the door on me
When left alone I was a moment or two before I could recollect myself—One scene had succeeded another with such rapidity I almost doubted whether I was reflecting on a real event Was it possible Was I indeed free—Yes free I termed myself when I decidedly perceived the conduct I ought to adopt How had I panted for liberty—liberty that I would have purchased at any price but that of my own esteem I rose and shook myself opened the window and methought the air never smelled so sweet The face of heaven grew fairer as I viewed it and the clouds seemed to flit away obedient to my wishes to give my soul room to expand I was all soul and wild as it may appear felt as if I could have dissolved in the soft balmy gale that kissed my cheek or have glided below the horizon on the glowing descending beams A seraphic satisfaction animated without agitating my spirits and my imagination collected in visions sublimely terrible or soothingly beautiful an immense variety of the endless images which nature affords and fancy combines of the grand and fair The lustre of these bright picturesque sketches faded with the setting sun but I was still alive to the calm delight they had diffused through my heart
There may be advocates for matrimonial obedience who making a distinction between the duty of a wife and of a human being may blame my conduct—To them I write not—my feelings are not for them to analyze and may you my child never be able to ascertain by heartrending experience what your mother felt before the present emancipation of her mind
I began to write a letter to my father after closing one to my uncle not to ask advice but to signify my determination when I was interrupted by the entrance of Mr Venables His manner was changed His views on my uncles fortune made him averse to my quitting his house or he would I am convinced have been glad to have shaken off even the slight restraint my presence imposed on him the restraint of showing me some respect So far from having an affection for me he really hated me because he was convinced that I must despise him
He told me that As I now had had time to cool and reflect he did not doubt but that my prudence and nice sense of propriety would lead me to overlook what was passed
Reflection I replied had only confirmed my purpose and no power on earth could divert me from it
Endeavouring to assume a soothing voice and look when he would willingly have tortured me to force me to feel his power his countenance had an infernal expression when he desired me Not to expose myself to the servants by obliging him to confine me in my apartment if then I would give my promise not to quit the house precipitately I should be free—and— I declared interrupting him that I would promise nothing I had no measures to keep with him—I was resolved and would not condescend to subterfuge
He muttered that I should soon repent of these preposterous airs and ordering tea to be carried into my little study which had a communication with my bedchamber he once more locked the door upon me and left me to my own meditations I had passively followed him up stairs not wishing to fatigue myself with unavailing exertion
Nothing calms the mind like a fixed purpose I felt as if I had heaved a thousand weight from my heart the atmosphere seemed lightened and if I execrated the institutions of society which thus enable men to tyrannize over women it was almost a disinterested sentiment I disregarded present inconveniences when my mind had done struggling with itself—when reason and inclination had shaken hands and were at peace I had no longer the cruel task before me in endless perspective aye during the tedious for ever of life of labouring to overcome my repugnance—of labouring to extinguish the hopes the maybes of a lively imagination Death I had hailed as my only chance for deliverance but while existence had still so many charms and life promised happiness I shrunk from the icy arms of an unknown tyrant though far more inviting than those of the man to whom I supposed myself bound without any other alternative and was content to linger a little longer waiting for I knew not what rather than leave the warm precincts of the cheerful day and all the unenjoyed affection of my nature
My present situation gave a new turn to my reflection and I wondered now the film seemed to be withdrawn that obscured the piercing sight of reason how I could previously to the deciding outrage have considered myself as everlastingly united to vice and folly Had an evil genius cast a spell at my birth or a demon stalked out of chaos to perplex my understanding and enchain my will with delusive prejudices
I pursued this train of thinking it led me out of myself to expatiate on the misery peculiar to my sex Are not I thought the despots for ever stigmatized who in the wantonness of power commanded even the most atrocious criminals to be chained to dead bodies though surely those laws are much more inhuman which forge adamantine fetters to bind minds together that never can mingle in social communion What indeed can equal the wretchedness of that state in which there is no alternative but to extinguish the affections or encounter infamy
CHAPTER 12
TOWARDS midnight Mr Venables entered my chamber and with calm audacity preparing to go to bed he bade me make haste for that was the best place for husbands and wives to end their differences He had been drinking plentifully to aid his courage
I did not at first deign to reply But perceiving that he affected to take my silence for consent I told him that If he would not go to another bed or allow me I should sit up in my study all night He attempted to pull me into the chamber half joking But I resisted and as he had determined not to give me any reason for saying that he used violence after a few more efforts he retired cursing my obstinacy to bed
I sat musing some time longer then throwing my cloak around me prepared for sleep on a sopha And so fortunate seemed my deliverance so sacred the pleasure of being thus wrapped up in myself that I slept profoundly and woke with a mind composed to encounter the struggles of the day Mr Venables did not wake till some hours after and then he came to me halfdressed yawning and stretching with haggard eyes as if he scarcely recollected what had passed the preceding evening He fixed his eyes on me for a moment then calling me a fool asked How long I intended to continue this pretty farce For his part he was devilish sick of it but this was the plague of marrying women who pretended to know something
I made no other reply to this harangue than to say That he ought to be glad to get rid of a woman so unfit to be his companion—and that any change in my conduct would be mean dissimulation for maturer reflection only gave the sacred seal of reason to my first resolution
He looked as if he could have stamped with impatience at being obliged to stifle his rage but conquering his anger for weak people whose passions seem the most ungovernable restrain them with the greatest ease when they have a sufficient motive he exclaimed Very pretty upon my soul very pretty theatrical flourishes Pray fair Roxana stoop from your altitudes and remember that you are acting a part in real life
He uttered this speech with a selfsatisfied air and went down stairs to dress
In about an hour he came to me again and in the same tone said That he came as my gentlemanusher to hand me down to breakfast
Of the black rod asked I
This question and the tone in which I asked it a little disconcerted him To say the truth I now felt no resentment my firm resolution to free myself from my ignoble thraldom had absorbed the various emotions which during six years had racked my soul The duty pointed out by my principles seemed clear and not one tender feeling intruded to make me swerve The dislike which my husband had inspired was strong but it only led me to wish to avoid to wish to let him drop out of my memory there was no misery no torture that I would not deliberately have chosen rather than renew my lease of servitude
During the breakfast he attempted to reason with me on the folly of romantic sentiments for this was the indiscriminate epithet he gave to every mode of conduct or thinking superior to his own He asserted that all the world were governed by their own interest those who pretended to be actuated by different motives were only deeper knaves or fools crazed by books who took for gospel all the rodomantade nonsense written by men who knew nothing of the world For his part he thanked God he was no hypocrite and if he stretched a point sometimes it was always with an intention of paying every man his own
He then artfully insinuated that he daily expected a vessel to arrive a successful speculation that would make him easy for the present and that he had several other schemes actually depending that could not fail He had no doubt of becoming rich in a few years though he had been thrown back by some unlucky adventures at the setting out
I mildly replied That I wished he might not involve himself still deeper
He had no notion that I was governed by a decision of judgment not to be compared with a mere spurt of resentment He knew not what it was to feel indignation against vice and often boasted of his placable temper and readiness to forgive injuries True for he only considered the being deceived as an effort of skill he had not guarded against and then with a cant of candour would observe that he did not know how he might himself have been tempted to act in the same circumstances And as his heart never opened to friendship it never was wounded by disappointment Every new acquaintance he protested it is true was the cleverest fellow in the world and he really thought so till the novelty of his conversation or manners ceased to have any effect on his sluggish spirits His respect for rank or fortune was more permanent though he chanced to have no design of availing himself of the influence of either to promote his own views
After a prefatory conversation—my blood I thought it had been cooler flushed over my whole countenance as he spoke—he alluded to my situation He desired me to reflect—and act like a prudent woman as the best proof of my superior understanding for he must own I had sense did I know how to use it I was not he laid a stress on his words without my passions and a husband was a convenient cloke—He was liberal in his way of thinking and why might not we like many other married people who were above vulgar prejudices tacitly consent to let each other follow their own inclination—He meant nothing more in the letter I made the ground of complaint and the pleasure which I seemed to take in Mr Ss company led him to conclude that he was not disagreeable to me
A clerk brought in the letters of the day and I as I often did while he was discussing subjects of business went to the piano forte and began to play a favourite air to restore myself as it were to nature and drive the sophisticated sentiments I had just been obliged to listen to out of my soul
They had excited sensations similar to those I have felt in viewing the squalid inhabitants of some of the lanes and back streets of the metropolis mortified at being compelled to consider them as my fellowcreatures as if an ape had claimed kindred with me Or as when surrounded by a mephitical fog I have wished to have a volley of cannon fired to clear the incumbered atmosphere and give me room to breathe and move
My spirits were all in arms and I played a kind of extemporary prelude The cadence was probably wild and impassioned while lost in thought I made the sounds a kind of echo to my train of thinking
Pausing for a moment I met Mr Venables eyes He was observing me with an air of conceited satisfaction as much as to say—My last insinuation has done the business—she begins to know her own interest Then gathering up his letters he said That he hoped he should hear no more romantic stuff well enough in a miss just come from boarding school and went as was his custom to the countinghouse I still continued playing and turning to a sprightly lesson I executed it with uncommon vivacity I heard footsteps approach the door and was soon convinced that Mr Venables was listening the consciousness only gave more animation to my fingers He went down into the kitchen and the cook probably by his desire came to me to know what I would please to order for dinner Mr Venables came into the parlour again with apparent carelessness I perceived that the cunning man was overreaching himself and I gave my directions as usual and left the room
While I was making some alteration in my dress Mr Venables peeped in and begging my pardon for interrupting me disappeared I took up some work I could not read and two or three messages were sent to me probably for no other purpose but to enable Mr Venables to ascertain what I was about
I listened whenever I heard the streetdoor open at last I imagined I could distinguish Mr Venables step going out I laid aside my work my heart palpitated still I was afraid hastily to enquire and I waited a long half hour before I ventured to ask the boy whether his master was in the countinghouse
Being answered in the negative I bade him call me a coach and collecting a few necessaries hastily together with a little parcel of letters and papers which I had collected the preceding evening I hurried into it desiring the coachman to drive to a distant part of the town
I almost feared that the coach would break down before I got out of the street and when I turned the corner I seemed to breathe a freer air I was ready to imagine that I was rising above the thick atmosphere of earth or I felt as wearied souls might be supposed to feel on entering another state of existence
I stopped at one or two stands of coaches to elude pursuit and then drove round the skirts of the town to seek for an obscure lodging where I wished to remain concealed till I could avail myself of my uncles protection I had resolved to assume my own name immediately and openly to avow my determination without any formal vindication the moment I had found a home in which I could rest free from the daily alarm of expecting to see Mr Venables enter
I looked at several lodgings but finding that I could not without a reference to some acquaintance who might inform my tyrant get admittance into a decent apartment—men have not all this trouble—I thought of a woman whom I had assisted to furnish a little haberdashers shop and who I knew had a first floor to let
I went to her and though I could not persuade her that the quarrel between me and Mr Venables would never be made up still she agreed to conceal me for the present yet assuring me at the same time shaking her head that when a woman was once married she must bear every thing Her pale face on which appeared a thousand haggard lines and delving wrinkles produced by what is emphatically termed fretting inforced her remark and I had afterwards an opportunity of observing the treatment she had to endure which grizzled her into patience She toiled from morning till night yet her husband would rob the till and take away the money reserved for paying bills and returning home drunk he would beat her if she chanced to offend him though she had a child at the breast
These scenes awoke me at night and in the morning I heard her as usual talk to her dear Johnny—he forsooth was her master no slave in the West Indies had one more despotic but fortunately she was of the true Russian breed of wives
My mind during the few past days seemed as it were disengaged from my body but now the struggle was over I felt very forcibly the effect which perturbation of spirits produces on a woman in my situation
The apprehension of a miscarriage obliged me to confine myself to my apartment near a fortnight but I wrote to my uncles friend for money promising to call on him and explain my situation when I was well enough to go out mean time I earnestly intreated him not to mention my place of abode to any one lest my husband—such the law considered him—should disturb the mind he could not conquer I mentioned my intention of setting out for Lisbon to claim my uncles protection the moment my health would permit
The tranquillity however which I was recovering was soon interrupted My landlady came up to me one day with eyes swollen with weeping unable to utter what she was commanded to say She declared That she was never so miserable in her life that she must appear an ungrateful monster and that she would readily go down on her knees to me to intreat me to forgive her as she had done to her husband to spare her the cruel task Sobs prevented her from proceeding or answering my impatient enquiries to know what she meant
When she became a little more composed she took a newspaper out of her pocket declaring that her heart smote her but what could she do—she must obey her husband I snatched the paper from her An advertisement quickly met my eye purporting that Maria Venables had without any assignable cause absconded from her husband and any person harbouring her was menaced with the utmost severity of the law
Perfectly acquainted with Mr Venables meanness of soul this step did not excite my surprise and scarcely my contempt Resentment in my breast never survived love I bade the poor woman in a kind tone wipe her eyes and request her husband to come up and speak to me himself
My manner awed him He respected a lady though not a woman and began to mutter out an apology
Mr Venables was a rich gentleman he wished to oblige me but he had suffered enough by the law already to tremble at the thought besides for certain we should come together again and then even I should not thank him for being accessary to keeping us asunder—A husband and wife were God knows just as one—and all would come round at last He uttered a drawling Hem and then with an arch look added—Master might have had his little frolics—but—Lord bless your heart—men would be men while the world stands
To argue with this privileged firstborn of reason I perceived would be vain I therefore only requested him to let me remain another day at his house while I sought for a lodging and not to inform Mr Venables that I had ever been sheltered there
He consented because he had not the courage to refuse a person for whom he had an habitual respect but I heard the pentup choler burst forth in curses when he met his wife who was waiting impatiently at the foot of the stairs to know what effect my expostulations would have on him
Without wasting any time in the fruitless indulgence of vexation I once more set out in search of an abode in which I could hide myself for a few weeks
Agreeing to pay an exorbitant price I hired an apartment without any reference being required relative to my character indeed a glance at my shape seemed to say that my motive for concealment was sufficiently obvious Thus was I obliged to shroud my head in infamy
To avoid all danger of detection—I use the appropriate word my child for I was hunted out like a felon—I determined to take possession of my new lodgings that very evening
I did not inform my landlady where I was going I knew that she had a sincere affection for me and would willingly have run any risk to show her gratitude yet I was fully convinced that a few kind words from Johnny would have found the woman in her and her dear benefactress as she termed me in an agony of tears would have been sacrificed to recompense her tyrant for condescending to treat her like an equal He could be kindhearted as she expressed it when he pleased And this thawed sternness contrasted with his habitual brutality was the more acceptable and could not be purchased at too dear a rate
The sight of the advertisement made me desirous of taking refuge with my uncle let what would be the consequence and I repaired in a hackney coach afraid of meeting some person who might chance to know me had I walked to the chambers of my uncles friend
He received me with great politeness my uncle had already prepossessed him in my favour and listened with interest to my explanation of the motives which had induced me to fly from home and skulk in obscurity with all the timidity of fear that ought only to be the companion of guilt He lamented with rather more gallantry than in my situation I thought delicate that such a woman should be thrown away on a man insensible to the charms of beauty or grace He seemed at a loss what to advise me to do to evade my husbands search without hastening to my uncle whom he hesitating said I might not find alive He uttered this intelligence with visible regret requested me at least to wait for the arrival of the next packet offered me what money I wanted and promised to visit me
He kept his word still no letter arrived to put an end to my painful state of suspense I procured some books and music to beguile the tedious solitary days
Come ever smiling Liberty
And with thee bring thy jocund train
I sung—and sung till saddened by the strain of joy I bitterly lamented the fate that deprived me of all social pleasure Comparative liberty indeed I had possessed myself of but the jocund train lagged far behind
CHAPTER 13
BY WATCHING my only visitor my uncles friend or by some other means Mr Venables discovered my residence and came to enquire for me The maidservant assured him there was no such person in the house A bustle ensued—I caught the alarm—listened—distinguished his voice and immediately locked the door They suddenly grew still and I waited near a quarter of an hour before I heard him open the parlour door and mount the stairs with the mistress of the house who obsequiously declared that she knew nothing of me
Finding my door locked she requested me to open it and prepare to go home with my husband poor gentleman to whom I had already occasioned sufficient vexation I made no reply Mr Venables then in an assumed tone of softness intreated me to consider what he suffered and my own reputation and get the better of childish resentment He ran on in the same strain pretending to address me but evidently adapting his discourse to the capacity of the landlady who at every pause uttered an exclamation of pity or Yes to be sure—Very true sir
Sick of the farce and perceiving that I could not avoid the hated interview I opened the door and he entered Advancing with easy assurance to take my hand I shrunk from his touch with an involuntary start as I should have done from a noisome reptile with more disgust than terror His conductress was retiring to give us as she said an opportunity to accommodate matters But I bade her come in or I would go out and curiosity impelled her to obey me
Mr Venables began to expostulate and this woman proud of his confidence to second him But I calmly silenced her in the midst of a vulgar harangue and turning to him asked Why he vainly tormented me declaring that no power on earth should force me back to his house
After a long altercation the particulars of which it would be to no purpose to repeat he left the room Some time was spent in loud conversation in the parlour below and I discovered that he had brought his friend an attorney with him
In the original edition the paragraph following is
preceded by three lines of asterisks Publishers note
The tumult on the landing place brought out a gentleman who had recently taken apartments in the house he enquired why I was thus assailed The voluble attorney instantly repeated the trite tale The stranger turned to me observing with the most soothing politeness and manly interest that my countenance told a very different story He added that I should not be insulted or forced out of the house by any body
The introduction of Darnford as the deliverer of Maria in
an early stage of the history is already stated Chap
III to have been an afterthought of the author This has
probably caused the imperfectness of the manuscript in the
above passage though at the same time it must be
acknowledged to be somewhat uncertain whether Darnford is
the stranger intended in this place It appears from Chap
XVII that an interference of a more decisive nature was
designed to be attributed to him EDITOR Godwins note
Not by her husband asked the attorney
No sir not by her husband Mr Venables advanced towards him—But there was a decision in his attitude that so well seconded that of his voice They left the house at the same time protesting that any one that should dare to protect me should be prosecuted with the utmost rigour
Two and a half lines of asterisks appear here in the
original Publishers note
They were scarcely out of the house when my landlady came up to me again and begged my pardon in a very different tone For though Mr Venables had bid her at her peril harbour me he had not attended I found to her broad hints to discharge the lodging I instantly promised to pay her and make her a present to compensate for my abrupt departure if she would procure me another lodging at a sufficient distance and she in return repeating Mr Venables plausible tale I raised her indignation and excited her sympathy by telling her briefly the truth
She expressed her commiseration with such honest warmth that I felt soothed for I have none of that fastidious sensitiveness which a vulgar accent or gesture can alarm to the disregard of real kindness I was ever glad to perceive in others the humane feelings I delighted to exercise and the recollection of some ridiculous characteristic circumstances which have occurred in a moment of emotion has convulsed me with laughter though at the instant I should have thought it sacrilegious to have smiled Your improvement my dearest girl being ever present to me while I write I note these feelings because women more accustomed to observe manners than actions are too much alive to ridicule So much so that their boasted sensibility is often stifled by false delicacy True sensibility the sensibility which is the auxiliary of virtue and the soul of genius is in society so occupied with the feelings of others as scarcely to regard its own sensations With what reverence have I looked up at my uncle the dear parent of my mind when I have seen the sense of his own sufferings of mind and body absorbed in a desire to comfort those whose misfortunes were comparatively trivial He would have been ashamed of being as indulgent to himself as he was to others Genuine fortitude he would assert consisted in governing our own emotions and making allowance for the weaknesses in our friends that we would not tolerate in ourselves But where is my fond regret leading me
Women must be submissive said my landlady Indeed what could most women do Who had they to maintain them but their husbands Every woman and especially a lady could not go through rough and smooth as she had done to earn a little bread
She was in a talking mood and proceeded to inform me how she had been used in the world She knew what it was to have a bad husband or she did not know who should I perceived that she would be very much mortified were I not to attend to her tale and I did not attempt to interrupt her though I wished her as soon as possible to go out in search of a new abode for me where I could once more hide my head
She began by telling me That she had saved a little money in service and was overpersuaded we must all be in love once in our lives to marry a likely man a footman in the family not worth a groat My plan she continued was to take a house and let out lodgings and all went on well till my husband got acquainted with an impudent slut who chose to live on other peoples means—and then all went to rack and ruin He ran in debt to buy her fine clothes such clothes as I never thought of wearing myself and—would you believe it—he signed an execution on my very goods bought with the money I worked so hard to get and they came and took my bed from under me before I heard a word of the matter Aye madam these are misfortunes that you gentlefolks know nothing of—but sorrow is sorrow let it come which way it will
I sought for a service again—very hard after having a house of my own—but he used to follow me and kick up such a riot when he was drunk that I could not keep a place nay he even stole my clothes and pawned them and when I went to the pawnbrokers and offered to take my oath that they were not bought with a farthing of his money they said It was all as one my husband had a right to whatever I had
At last he listed for a soldier and I took a house making an agreement to pay for the furniture by degrees and I almost starved myself till I once more got beforehand in the world
After an absence of six years God forgive me I thought he was dead my husband returned found me out and came with such a penitent face I forgave him and clothed him from head to foot But he had not been a week in the house before some of his creditors arrested him and he selling my goods I found myself once more reduced to beggary for I was not as well able to work go to bed late and rise early as when I quitted service and then I thought it hard enough He was soon tired of me when there was nothing more to be had and left me again
I will not tell you how I was buffeted about till hearing for certain that he had died in an hospital abroad I once more returned to my old occupation but have not yet been able to get my head above water so madam you must not be angry if I am afraid to run any risk when I know so well that women have always the worst of it when law is to decide
After uttering a few more complaints I prevailed on my landlady to go out in quest of a lodging and to be more secure I condescended to the mean shift of changing my name
But why should I dwell on similar incidents—I was hunted like an infected beast from three different apartments and should not have been allowed to rest in any had not Mr Venables informed of my uncles dangerous state of health been inspired with the fear of hurrying me out of the world as I advanced in my pregnancy by thus tormenting and obliging me to take sudden journeys to avoid him and then his speculations on my uncles fortune must prove abortive
One day when he had pursued me to an inn I fainted hurrying from him and falling down the sight of my blood alarmed him and obtained a respite for me It is strange that he should have retained any hope after observing my unwavering determination but from the mildness of my behaviour when I found all my endeavours to change his disposition unavailing he formed an erroneous opinion of my character imagining that were we once more together I should part with the money he could not legally force from me with the same facility as formerly My forbearance and occasional sympathy he had mistaken for weakness of character and because he perceived that I disliked resistance he thought my indulgence and compassion mere selfishness and never discovered that the fear of being unjust or of unnecessarily wounding the feelings of another was much more painful to me than any thing I could have to endure myself Perhaps it was pride which made me imagine that I could bear what I dreaded to inflict and that it was often easier to suffer than to see the sufferings of others
I forgot to mention that during this persecution I received a letter from my uncle informing me that he only found relief from continual change of air and that he intended to return when the spring was a little more advanced it was now the middle of February and then we would plan a journey to Italy leaving the fogs and cares of England far behind He approved of my conduct promised to adopt my child and seemed to have no doubt of obliging Mr Venables to hear reason He wrote to his friend by the same post desiring him to call on Mr Venables in his name and in consequence of the remonstrances he dictated I was permitted to liein tranquilly
The two or three weeks previous I had been allowed to rest in peace but so accustomed was I to pursuit and alarm that I seldom closed my eyes without being haunted by Mr Venables image who seemed to assume terrific or hateful forms to torment me wherever I turned—Sometimes a wild cat a roaring bull or hideous assassin whom I vainly attempted to fly at others he was a demon hurrying me to the brink of a precipice plunging me into dark waves or horrid gulfs and I woke in violent fits of trembling anxiety to assure myself that it was all a dream and to endeavour to lure my waking thoughts to wander to the delightful Italian vales I hoped soon to visit or to picture some august ruins where I reclined in fancy on a mouldering column and escaped in the contemplation of the heartenlarging virtues of antiquity from the turmoil of cares that had depressed all the daring purposes of my soul But I was not long allowed to calm my mind by the exercise of my imagination for the third day after your birth my child I was surprised by a visit from my elder brother who came in the most abrupt manner to inform me of the death of my uncle He had left the greater part of his fortune to my child appointing me its guardian in short every step was taken to enable me to be mistress of his fortune without putting any part of it in Mr Venables power My brother came to vent his rage on me for having as he expressed himself deprived him my uncles eldest nephew of his inheritance though my uncles property the fruit of his own exertion being all in the funds or on landed securities there was not a shadow of justice in the charge
As I sincerely loved my uncle this intelligence brought on a fever which I struggled to conquer with all the energy of my mind for in my desolate state I had it very much at heart to suckle you my poor babe You seemed my only tie to life a cherub to whom I wished to be a father as well as a mother and the double duty appeared to me to produce a proportionate increase of affection But the pleasure I felt while sustaining you snatched from the wreck of hope was cruelly damped by melancholy reflections on my widowed state—widowed by the death of my uncle Of Mr Venables I thought not even when I thought of the felicity of loving your father and how a mothers pleasure might be exalted and her care softened by a husbands tenderness—Ought to be I exclaimed and I endeavoured to drive away the tenderness that suffocated me but my spirits were weak and the unbidden tears would flow Why was I I would ask thee but thou didst not heed me—cut off from the participation of the sweetest pleasure of life I imagined with what extacy after the pains of childbed I should have presented my little stranger whom I had so long wished to view to a respectable father and with what maternal fondness I should have pressed them both to my heart—Now I kissed her with less delight though with the most endearing compassion poor helpless one when I perceived a slight resemblance of him to whom she owed her existence or if any gesture reminded me of him even in his best days my heart heaved and I pressed the innocent to my bosom as if to purify it—yes I blushed to think that its purity had been sullied by allowing such a man to be its father
After my recovery I began to think of taking a house in the country or of making an excursion on the continent to avoid Mr Venables and to open my heart to new pleasures and affection The spring was melting into summer and you my little companion began to smile—that smile made hope bud out afresh assuring me the world was not a desert Your gestures were ever present to my fancy and I dwelt on the joy I should feel when you would begin to walk and lisp Watching your wakening mind and shielding from every rude blast my tender blossom I recovered my spirits—I dreamed not of the frost—the killing frost to which you were destined to be exposed—But I lose all patience—and execrate the injustice of the world—folly ignorance—I should rather call it but shut up from a free circulation of thought and always pondering on the same griefs I writhe under the torturing apprehensions which ought to excite only honest indignation or active compassion and would could I view them as the natural consequence of things But born a woman—and born to suffer in endeavouring to repress my own emotions I feel more acutely the various ills my sex are fated to bear—I feel that the evils they are subject to endure degrade them so far below their oppressors as almost to justify their tyranny leading at the same time superficial reasoners to term that weakness the cause which is only the consequence of shortsighted despotism
CHAPTER 14
AS MY MIND grew calmer the visions of Italy again returned with their former glow of colouring and I resolved on quitting the kingdom for a time in search of the cheerfulness that naturally results from a change of scene unless we carry the barbed arrow with us and only see what we feel
During the period necessary to prepare for a long absence I sent a supply to pay my fathers debts and settled my brothers in eligible situations but my attention was not wholly engrossed by my family though I do not think it necessary to enumerate the common exertions of humanity The manner in which my uncles property was settled prevented me from making the addition to the fortune of my surviving sister that I could have wished but I had prevailed on him to bequeath her two thousand pounds and she determined to marry a lover to whom she had been some time attached Had it not been for this engagement I should have invited her to accompany me in my tour and I might have escaped the pit so artfully dug in my path when I was the least aware of danger
I had thought of remaining in England till I weaned my child but this state of freedom was too peaceful to last and I had soon reason to wish to hasten my departure A friend of Mr Venables the same attorney who had accompanied him in several excursions to hunt me from my hiding places waited on me to propose a reconciliation On my refusal he indirectly advised me to make over to my husband—for husband he would term him—the greater part of the property I had at command menacing me with continual persecution unless I complied and that as a last resort he would claim the child I did not though intimidated by the last insinuation scruple to declare that I would not allow him to squander the money left to me for far different purposes but offered him five hundred pounds if he would sign a bond not to torment me any more My maternal anxiety made me thus appear to waver from my first determination and probably suggested to him or his diabolical agent the infernal plot which has succeeded but too well
The bond was executed still I was impatient to leave England Mischief hung in the air when we breathed the same I wanted seas to divide us and waters to roll between till he had forgotten that I had the means of helping him through a new scheme Disturbed by the late occurrences I instantly prepared for my departure My only delay was waiting for a maidservant who spoke French fluently and had been warmly recommended to me A valet I was advised to hire when I fixed on my place of residence for any time
My God with what a light heart did I set out for Dover—It was not my country but my cares that I was leaving behind My heart seemed to bound with the wheels or rather appeared the centre on which they twirled I clasped you to my bosom exclaiming And you will be safe—quite safe—when—we are once on board the packet—Would we were there I smiled at my idle fears as the natural effect of continual alarm and I scarcely owned to myself that I dreaded Mr Venabless cunning or was conscious of the horrid delight he would feel at forming stratagem after stratagem to circumvent me I was already in the snare—I never reached the packet—I never saw thee more—I grow breathless I have scarcely patience to write down the details The maid—the plausible woman I had hired—put doubtless some stupefying potion in what I ate or drank the morning I left town All I know is that she must have quitted the chaise shameless wretch and taken from my breast my babe with her How could a creature in a female form see me caress thee and steal thee from my arms I must stop stop to repress a mothers anguish lest in bitterness of soul I imprecate the wrath of heaven on this tiger who tore my only comfort from me
How long I slept I know not certainly many hours for I woke at the close of day in a strange confusion of thought I was probably roused to recollection by some one thundering at a huge unwieldy gate Attempting to ask where I was my voice died away and I tried to raise it in vain as I have done in a dream I looked for my babe with affright feared that it had fallen out of my lap while I had so strangely forgotten her and such was the vague intoxication I can give it no other name in which I was plunged I could not recollect when or where I last saw you but I sighed as if my heart wanted room to clear my head
The gates opened heavily and the sullen sound of many locks and bolts drawn back grated on my very soul before I was appalled by the creeking of the dismal hinges as they closed after me The gloomy pile was before me half in ruins some of the aged trees of the avenue were cut down and left to rot where they fell and as we approached some mouldering steps a monstrous dog darted forwards to the length of his chain and barked and growled infernally
The door was opened slowly and a murderous visage peeped out with a lantern Hush he uttered in a threatning tone and the affrighted animal stole back to his kennel The door of the chaise flew back the stranger put down the lantern and clasped his dreadful arms around me It was certainly the effect of the soporific draught for instead of exerting my strength I sunk without motion though not without sense on his shoulder my limbs refusing to obey my will I was carried up the steps into a closeshut hall A candle flaring in the socket scarcely dispersed the darkness though it displayed to me the ferocious countenance of the wretch who held me
He mounted a wide staircase Large figures painted on the walls seemed to start on me and glaring eyes to meet me at every turn Entering a long gallery a dismal shriek made me spring out of my conductors arms with I know not what mysterious emotion of terror but I fell on the floor unable to sustain myself
A strangelooking female started out of one of the recesses and observed me with more curiosity than interest till sternly bid retire she flitted back like a shadow Other faces strongly marked or distorted peeped through the halfopened doors and I heard some incoherent sounds I had no distinct idea where I could be—I looked on all sides and almost doubted whether I was alive or dead
Thrown on a bed I immediately sunk into insensibility again and next day gradually recovering the use of reason, I began starting affrighted from the conviction to discover where I was confined—I insisted on seeing the master of the mansion—I saw him—and perceived that I was buried alive—
Such my child are the events of thy mothers life to this dreadful moment—Should she ever escape from the fangs of her enemies she will add the secrets of her prisonhouse—and—
Some lines were here crossed out and the memoirs broke off abruptly with the names of Jemima and Darnford
APPENDIX
ADVERTISEMENT
THE performance with a fragment of which the reader has now been presented was designed to consist of three parts The preceding sheets were considered as constituting one of those parts Those persons who in the perusal of the chapters already written and in some degree finished by the author have felt their hearts awakened and their curiosity excited as to the sequel of the story will of course gladly accept even of the broken paragraphs and halffinished sentences which have been found committed to paper as materials for the remainder The fastidious and coldhearted critic may perhaps feel himself repelled by the incoherent form in which they are presented But an inquisitive temper willingly accepts the most imperfect and mutilated information where better is not to be had and readers who in any degree resemble the author in her quick apprehension of sentiment and of the pleasures and pains of imagination will I believe find gratification in contemplating sketches which were designed in a short time to have received the finishing touches of her genius but which must now for ever remain a mark to record the triumphs of mortality over schemes of usefulness and projects of public interest
Presumed to have been written by Godwin Publishers note
CHAPTER 15
DARNFORD returned the memoirs to Maria with a most affectionate letter in which he reasoned on the absurdity of the laws respecting matrimony which till divorces could be more easily obtained was he declared the most insufferable bondage Ties of this nature could not bind minds governed by superior principles and such beings were privileged to act above the dictates of laws they had no voice in framing if they had sufficient strength of mind to endure the natural consequence In her case to talk of duty was a farce excepting what was due to herself Delicacy as well as reason forbade her ever to think of returning to her husband was she then to restrain her charming sensibility through mere prejudice These arguments were not absolutely impartial for he disdained to conceal that when he appealed to her reason he felt that he had some interest in her heart—The conviction was not more transporting than sacred—a thousand times a day he asked himself how he had merited such happiness—and as often he determined to purify the heart she deigned to inhabit—He intreated to be again admitted to her presence
He was and the tear which glistened in his eye when he respectfully pressed her to his bosom rendered him peculiarly dear to the unfortunate mother Grief had stilled the transports of love only to render their mutual tenderness more touching In former interviews Darnford had contrived by a hundred little pretexts to sit near her to take her hand or to meet her eyes—now it was all soothing affection and esteem seemed to have rivalled love He adverted to her narrative and spoke with warmth of the oppression she had endured—His eyes glowing with a lambent flame told her how much he wished to restore her to liberty and love but he kissed her hand as if it had been that of a saint and spoke of the loss of her child as if it had been his own—What could have been more flattering to Maria—Every instance of selfdenial was registered in her heart and she loved him for loving her too well to give way to the transports of passion
They met again and again and Darnford declared while passion suffused his cheeks that he never before knew what it was to love—
One morning Jemima informed Maria that her master intended to wait on her and speak to her without witnesses He came and brought a letter with him pretending that he was ignorant of its contents though he insisted on having it returned to him It was from the attorney already mentioned who informed her of the death of her child and hinted that she could not now have a legitimate heir and that would she make over the half of her fortune during life she should be conveyed to Dover and permitted to pursue her plan of travelling
Maria answered with warmth That she had no terms to make with the murderer of her babe nor would she purchase liberty at the price of her own respect
She began to expostulate with her jailor but he sternly bade her Be silent—he had not gone so far not to go further
Darnford came in the evening Jemima was obliged to be absent and she as usual locked the door on them to prevent interruption or discovery—The lovers were at first embarrassed but fell insensibly into confidential discourse Darnford represented that they might soon be parted and wished her to put it out of the power of fate to separate them
As her husband she now received him and he solemnly pledged himself as her protector—and eternal friend—
There was one peculiarity in Marias mind she was more anxious not to deceive than to guard against deception and had rather trust without sufficient reason than be for ever the prey of doubt Besides what are we when the mind has from reflection a certain kind of elevation which exalts the contemplation above the little concerns of prudence We see what we wish and make a world of our own—and though reality may sometimes open a door to misery yet the moments of happiness procured by the imagination may without a paradox be reckoned among the solid comforts of life Maria now imagining that she had found a being of celestial mould—was happy—nor was she deceived—He was then plastic in her impassioned hand—and reflected all the sentiments which animated and warmed her
Two and a half lines of dashes follow here in the original
Publishers note
CHAPTER 16
ONE morning confusion seemed to reign in the house and Jemima came in terror to inform Maria that her master had left it with a determination she was assured and too many circumstances corroborated the opinion to leave a doubt of its truth of never returning I am prepared then said Jemima to accompany you in your flight
Maria started up her eyes darting towards the door as if afraid that some one should fasten it on her for ever
Jemima continued I have perhaps no right now to expect the performance of your promise but on you it depends to reconcile me with the human race
But Darnford—exclaimed Maria mournfully—sitting down again and crossing her arms—I have no child to go to and liberty has lost its sweets
I am much mistaken if Darnford is not the cause of my masters flight—his keepers assure me that they have promised to confine him two days longer and then he will be free—you cannot see him but they will give a letter to him the moment he is free—In that inform him where he may find you in London fix on some hotel Give me your clothes I will send them out of the house with mine and we will slip out at the gardengate Write your letter while I make these arrangements but lose no time
In an agitation of spirit not to be calmed Maria began to write to Darnford She called him by the sacred name of husband and bade him hasten to her to share her fortune or she would return to him—An hotel in the Adelphi was the place of rendezvous
The letter was sealed and given in charge and with light footsteps yet terrified at the sound of them she descended scarcely breathing and with an indistinct fear that she should never get out at the garden gate Jemima went first
A being with a visage that would have suited one possessed by a devil crossed the path and seized Maria by the arm Maria had no fear but of being detained—Who are you what are you for the form was scarcely human If you are made of flesh and blood his ghastly eyes glared on her do not stop me
Woman interrupted a sepulchral voice what have I to do with thee—Still he grasped her hand muttering a curse
No no you have nothing to do with me she exclaimed this is a moment of life and death—
With supernatural force she broke from him and throwing her arms round Jemima cried Save me The being from whose grasp she had loosed herself took up a stone as they opened the door and with a kind of hellish sport threw it after them They were out of his reach
When Maria arrived in town she drove to the hotel already fixed on But she could not sit still—her child was ever before her and all that had passed during her confinement appeared to be a dream She went to the house in the suburbs where as she now discovered her babe had been sent The moment she entered her heart grew sick but she wondered not that it had proved its grave She made the necessary enquiries and the churchyard was pointed out in which it rested under a turf A little frock which the nurses child wore Maria had made it herself caught her eye The nurse was glad to sell it for halfaguinea and Maria hastened away with the relic and reentering the hackneycoach which waited for her gazed on it till she reached her hotel
She then waited on the attorney who had made her uncles will and explained to him her situation He readily advanced her some of the money which still remained in his hands and promised to take the whole of the case into consideration Maria only wished to be permitted to remain in quiet—She found that several bills apparently with her signature had been presented to her agent nor was she for a moment at a loss to guess by whom they had been forged yet equally averse to threaten or intreat she requested her friend the solicitor to call on Mr Venables He was not to be found at home but at length his agent the attorney offered a conditional promise to Maria to leave her in peace as long as she behaved with propriety if she would give up the notes Maria inconsiderately consented—Darnford was arrived and she wished to be only alive to love she wished to forget the anguish she felt whenever she thought of her child
They took a ready furnished lodging together for she was above disguise Jemima insisting on being considered as her housekeeper and to receive the customary stipend On no other terms would she remain with her friend
Darnford was indefatigable in tracing the mysterious circumstances of his confinement The cause was simply that a relation a very distant one to whom he was heir had died intestate leaving a considerable fortune On the news of Darnfords arrival in England a person intrusted with the management of the property and who had the writings in his possession determining by one bold stroke to strip Darnford of the succession had planned his confinement and as soon as he had taken the measures he judged most conducive to his object this ruffian together with his instrument the keeper of the private madhouse left the kingdom Darnford who still pursued his enquiries at last discovered that they had fixed their place of refuge at Paris
Maria and he determined therefore with the faithful Jemima to visit that metropolis and accordingly were preparing for the journey when they were informed that Mr Venables had commenced an action against Darnford for seduction and adultery The indignation Maria felt cannot be explained she repented of the forbearance she had exercised in giving up the notes Darnford could not put off his journey without risking the loss of his property Maria therefore furnished him with money for his expedition and determined to remain in London till the termination of this affair
She visited some ladies with whom she had formerly been intimate but was refused admittance and at the opera or Ranelagh they could not recollect her Among these ladies there were some not her most intimate acquaintance who were generally supposed to avail themselves of the cloke of marriage to conceal a mode of conduct that would for ever have damned their fame had they been innocent seduced girls These particularly stood aloof—Had she remained with her husband practicing insincerity and neglecting her child to manage an intrigue she would still have been visited and respected If instead of openly living with her lover she could have condescended to call into play a thousand arts which degrading her own mind might have allowed the people who were not deceived to pretend to be so she would have been caressed and treated like an honourable woman And Brutus is an honourable man said MarkAntony with equal sincerity
The name in the manuscript is by mistake written Caesar
EDITOR Godwins note
With Darnford she did not taste uninterrupted felicity there was a volatility in his manner which often distressed her but love gladdened the scene besides he was the most tender sympathizing creature in the world A fondness for the sex often gives an appearance of humanity to the behaviour of men who have small pretensions to the reality and they seem to love others when they are only pursuing their own gratification Darnford appeared ever willing to avail himself of her taste and acquirements while she endeavoured to profit by his decision of character and to eradicate some of the romantic notions which had taken root in her mind while in adversity she had brooded over visions of unattainable bliss
The real affections of life when they are allowed to burst forth are buds pregnant with joy and all the sweet emotions of the soul yet they branch out with wild ease unlike the artificial forms of felicity sketched by an imagination painful alive The substantial happiness which enlarges and civilizes the mind may be compared to the pleasure experienced in roving through nature at large inhaling the sweet gale natural to the clime while the reveries of a feverish imagination continually sport themselves in gardens full of aromatic shrubs which cloy while they delight and weaken the sense of pleasure they gratify The heaven of fancy below or beyond the stars in this life or in those eversmiling regions surrounded by the unmarked ocean of futurity have an insipid uniformity which palls Poets have imagined scenes of bliss but sencing out sorrow all the extatic emotions of the Soul and even its grandeur seem to be equally excluded We dose over the unruffled lake and long to scale the rocks which fence the happy valley of contentment though serpents hiss in the pathless desert and danger lurks in the unexplored wiles Maria found herself more indulgent as she was happier and discovered virtues in characters she had before disregarded while chasing the phantoms of elegance and excellence which sported in the meteors that exhale in the marshes of misfortune The heart is often shut by romance against social pleasure and fostering a sickly sensibility grows callous to the soft touches of humanity
To part with Darnford was indeed cruel—It was to feel most painfully alone but she rejoiced to think that she should spare him the care and perplexity of the suit and meet him again all his own Marriage as at present constituted she considered as leading to immorality—yet as the odium of society impedes usefulness she wished to avow her affection to Darnford by becoming his wife according to established rules not to be confounded with women who act from very different motives though her conduct would be just the same without the ceremony as with it and her expectations from him not less firm The being summoned to defend herself from a charge which she was determined to plead guilty to was still galling as it roused bitter reflections on the situation of women in society
CHAPTER 17
SUCH was her state of mind when the dogs of law were let loose on her Maria took the task of conducting Darnfords defence upon herself She instructed his counsel to plead guilty to the charge of adultery but to deny that of seduction
The counsel for the plaintiff opened the cause by observing that his client had ever been an indulgent husband and had borne with several defects of temper while he had nothing criminal to lay to the charge of his wife But that she left his house without assigning any cause He could not assert that she was then acquainted with the defendant yet when he was once endeavouring to bring her back to her home this man put the peaceofficers to flight and took her he knew not whither After the birth of her child her conduct was so strange and a melancholy malady having afflicted one of the family which delicacy forbade the dwelling on it was necessary to confine her By some means the defendant enabled her to make her escape and they had lived together in despite of all sense of order and decorum The adultery was allowed it was not necessary to bring any witnesses to prove it but the seduction though highly probable from the circumstances which he had the honour to state could not be so clearly proved—It was of the most atrocious kind as decency was set at defiance and respect for reputation which shows internal compunction utterly disregarded
A strong sense of injustice had silenced every motion which a mixture of true and false delicacy might otherwise have excited in Marias bosom She only felt in earnest to insist on the privilege of her nature The sarcasms of society and the condemnations of a mistaken world were nothing to her compared with acting contrary to those feelings which were the foundation of her principles She therefore eagerly put herself forward instead of desiring to be absent on this memorable occasion
Convinced that the subterfuges of the law were disgraceful she wrote a paper which she expressly desired might be read in court
Married when scarcely able to distinguish the nature of the engagement I yet submitted to the rigid laws which enslave women and obeyed the man whom I could no longer love Whether the duties of the state are reciprocal I mean not to discuss but I can prove repeated infidelities which I overlooked or pardoned Witnesses are not wanting to establish these facts I at present maintain the child of a maid servant sworn to him and born after our marriage I am ready to allow that education and circumstances lead men to think and act with less delicacy than the preservation of order in society demands from women but surely I may without assumption declare that though I could excuse the birth I could not the desertion of this unfortunate babe—and while I despised the man it was not easy to venerate the husband With proper restrictions however I revere the institution which fraternizes the world I exclaim against the laws which throw the whole weight of the yoke on the weaker shoulders and force women when they claim protectorship as mothers to sign a contract which renders them dependent on the caprice of the tyrant whom choice or necessity has appointed to reign over them Various are the cases in which a woman ought to separate herself from her husband and mine I may be allowed emphatically to insist comes under the description of the most aggravated
I will not enlarge on those provocations which only the individual can estimate but will bring forward such charges only the truth of which is an insult upon humanity In order to promote certain destructive speculations Mr Venables prevailed on me to borrow certain sums of a wealthy relation and when I refused further compliance he thought of bartering my person and not only allowed opportunities to but urged a friend from whom he borrowed money to seduce me On the discovery of this act of atrocity I determined to leave him and in the most decided manner for ever I consider all obligations as made void by his conduct and hold that schisms which proceed from want of principles can never be healed
He received a fortune with me to the amount of five thousand pounds On the death of my uncle convinced that I could provide for my child I destroyed the settlement of that fortune I required none of my property to be returned to me nor shall enumerate the sums extorted from me during six years that we lived together
After leaving what the law considers as my home I was hunted like a criminal from place to place though I contracted no debts and demanded no maintenance—yet as the laws sanction such proceeding and make women the property of their husbands I forbear to animadvert After the birth of my daughter and the death of my uncle who left a very considerable property to myself and child I was exposed to new persecution and because I had before arriving at what is termed years of discretion pledged my faith I was treated by the world as bound for ever to a man whose vices were notorious Yet what are the vices generally known to the various miseries that a woman may be subject to which though deeply felt eating into the soul elude description and may be glossed over A false morality is even established which makes all the virtue of women consist in chastity submission and the forgiveness of injuries
I pardon my oppressor—bitterly as I lament the loss of my child torn from me in the most violent manner But nature revolts and my soul sickens at the bare supposition that it could ever be a duty to pretend affection when a separation is necessary to prevent my feeling hourly aversion
To force me to give my fortune I was imprisoned—yes in a private madhouse—There in the heart of misery I met the man charged with seducing me We became attached—I deemed and ever shall deem myself free The death of my babe dissolved the only tie which subsisted between me and my what is termed lawful husband
To this person thus encountered I voluntarily gave myself never considering myself as any more bound to transgress the laws of moral purity because the will of my husband might be pleaded in my excuse than to transgress those laws to which the policy of artificial society has annexed positive punishments—While no command of a husband can prevent a woman from suffering for certain crimes she must be allowed to consult her conscience and regulate her conduct in some degree by her own sense of right The respect I owe to myself demanded my strict adherence to my determination of never viewing Mr Venables in the light of a husband nor could it forbid me from encouraging another If I am unfortunately united to an unprincipled man am I for ever to be shut out from fulfilling the duties of a wife and mother—I wish my country to approve of my conduct but if laws exist made by the strong to oppress the weak I appeal to my own sense of justice and declare that I will not live with the individual who has violated every moral obligation which binds man to man
I protest equally against any charge being brought to criminate the man whom I consider as my husband I was sixandtwenty when I left Mr Venables roof if ever I am to be supposed to arrive at an age to direct my own actions I must by that time have arrived at it—I acted with deliberation—Mr Darnford found me a forlorn and oppressed woman and promised the protection women in the present state of society want—But the man who now claims me—was he deprived of my society by this conduct The question is an insult to common sense considering where Mr Darnford met me—Mr Venables door was indeed open to me—nay threats and intreaties were used to induce me to return but why Was affection or honour the motive—I cannot it is true dive into the recesses of the human heart—yet I presume to assert borne out as I am by a variety of circumstances that he was merely influenced by the most rapacious avarice
I claim then a divorce and the liberty of enjoying free from molestation the fortune left to me by a relation who was well aware of the character of the man with whom I had to contend—I appeal to the justice and humanity of the jury—a body of men whose private judgment must be allowed to modify laws that must be unjust because definite rules can never apply to indefinite circumstances—and I deprecate punishment upon the man of my choice freeing him as I solemnly do from the charge of seduction
I did not put myself into a situation to justify a charge of adultery till I had from conviction shaken off the fetters which bound me to Mr Venables—While I lived with him I defy the voice of calumny to sully what is termed the fair fame of woman—Neglected by my husband I never encouraged a lover and preserved with scrupulous care what is termed my honour at the expence of my peace till he who should have been its guardian laid traps to ensnare me From that moment I believed myself in the sight of heaven free—and no power on earth shall force me to renounce my resolution
The judge in summing up the evidence alluded to the fallacy of letting women plead their feelings as an excuse for the violation of the marriagevow For his part he had always determined to oppose all innovation and the newfangled notions which incroached on the good old rules of conduct We did not want French principles in public or private life—and if women were allowed to plead their feelings as an excuse or palliation of infidelity it was opening a floodgate for immorality What virtuous woman thought of her feelings—It was her duty to love and obey the man chosen by her parents and relations who were qualified by their experience to judge better for her than she could for herself As to the charges brought against the husband they were vague supported by no witnesses excepting that of imprisonment in a private madhouse The proofs of an insanity in the family might render that however a prudent measure and indeed the conduct of the lady did not appear that of a person of sane mind Still such a mode of proceeding could not be justified and might perhaps entitle the lady in another court to a sentence of separation from bed and board during the joint lives of the parties but he hoped that no Englishman would legalize adultery by enabling the adulteress to enrich her seducer Too many restrictions could not be thrown in the way of divorces if we wished to maintain the sanctity of marriage and though they might bear a little hard on a few very few individuals it was evidently for the good of the whole
CONCLUSION
BY THE EDITOR
ie Godwin Publishers note
VERY FEW hints exist respecting the plan of the remainder of the work I find only two detached sentences and some scattered heads for the continuation of the story I transcribe the whole
I Darnfords letters were affectionate but circumstances occasioned delays and the miscarriage of some letters rendered the reception of wishedfor answers doubtful his return was necessary to calm Marias mind
II As Darnford had informed her that his business was settled his delaying to return seemed extraordinary but love to excess excludes fear or suspicion
The scattered heads for the continuation of the story are as follow
To understand these minutes it is necessary the reader
should consider each of them as setting out from the same
point in the story viz the point to which it is brought
down in the preceding chapter Godwins note
I Trial for adultery—Maria defends herself—A separation from bed and board is the consequence—Her fortune is thrown into chancery—Darnford obtains a part of his property—Maria goes into the country
II A prosecution for adultery commenced—Trial—Darnford sets out for France—Letters—Once more pregnant—He returns—Mysterious behaviour—Visit—Expectation—Discovery—Interview—Consequence
III Sued by her husband—Damages awarded to him—Separation from bed and board—Darnford goes abroad—Maria into the country—Provides for her father—Is shunned—Returns to London—Expects to see her lover—The rack of expectation—Finds herself again with child—Delighted—A discovery—A visit—A miscarriage—Conclusion
IV Divorced by her husband—Her lover unfaithful—Pregnancy—Miscarriage—Suicide
The following passage appears in some respects to deviate from the preceding hints It is superscribed THE END
She swallowed the laudanum her soul was calm—the tempest had subsided—and nothing remained but an eager longing to forget herself—to fly from the anguish she endured to escape from thought—from this hell of disappointment
Still her eyes closed not—one remembrance with frightful velocity followed another—All the incidents of her life were in arms embodied to assail her and prevent her sinking into the sleep of death—Her murdered child again appeared to her mourning for the babe of which she was the tomb—And could it have a nobler—Surely it is better to die with me than to enter on life without a mothers care—I cannot live—but could I have deserted my child the moment it was born—thrown it on the troubled wave of life without a hand to support it—She looked up What have I not suffered—may I find a father where I am going—Her head turned a stupor ensued a faintness—Have a little patience said Maria holding her swimming head she thought of her mother this cannot last long and what is a little bodily pain to the pangs I have endured
A new vision swam before her Jemima seemed to enter—leading a little creature that with tottering footsteps approached the bed The voice of Jemima sounding as at a distance called her—she tried to listen to speak to look
Behold your child exclaimed Jemima Maria started off the bed and fainted—Violent vomiting followed
When she was restored to life Jemima addressed her with great solemnity —— led me to suspect that your husband and brother had deceived you and secreted the child I would not torment you with doubtful hopes and I left you at a fatal moment to search for the child—I snatched her from misery—and now she is alive again would you leave her alone in the world to endure what I have endured
Maria gazed wildly at her her whole frame was convulsed with emotion when the child whom Jemima had been tutoring all the journey uttered the word Mamma She caught her to her bosom and burst into a passion of tears—then resting the child gently on the bed as if afraid of killing it—she put her hand to her eyes to conceal as it were the agonizing struggle of her soul She remained silent for five minutes crossing her arms over her bosom and reclining her head—then exclaimed The conflict is over—I will live for my child
A few readers perhaps in looking over these hints will wonder how it could have been practicable without tediousness or remitting in any degree the interest of the story to have filled from these slight sketches a number of pages more considerable than those which have been already presented But in reality these hints simple as they are are pregnant with passion and distress It is the refuge of barren authors only to crowd their fictions with so great a number of events as to suffer no one of them to sink into the readers mind It is the province of true genius to develop events to discover their capabilities to ascertain the different passions and sentiments with which they are fraught and to diversify them with incidents that give reality to the picture and take a hold upon the mind of a reader of taste from which they can never be loosened It was particularly the design of the author in the present instance to make her story subordinate to a great moral purpose that of exhibiting the misery and oppression peculiar to women that arise out of the partial laws and customs of society—This view restrained her fancy It was necessary for her to place in a striking point of view evils that are too frequently overlooked and to drag into light those details of oppression of which the grosser and more insensible part of mankind make little account
See authors preface Godwins note
THE END