Laurence Sterne
The Life and Opinions of
Tristram Shandy Gentleman
Tarassei tosA Antropos o ta Pragmata
alla ta peri ton Pragmaton Dogmata
To the Right Honourable Mr Pitt
Sir
Never poor Wight of a Dedicator had less hopes from his Dedication than I have
from this of mine for it is written in a bye corner of the kingdom and in a
retired thatchd house where I live in a constant endeavour to fence against
the infirmities of ill health and other evils of life by mirth being firmly
persuaded that every time a man smiles but much more so when he laughs that
it adds something to this Fragment of Life
I humbly beg Sir that you will honour this book by taking it not under
your Protection it must protect itself but into the country with you
where if I am ever told it has made you smile or can conceive it has beguiled
you of one moments pain I shall think myself as happy as a minister of
state perhaps much happier than any one one only excepted that I have ever
read or heard of
I am great Sir
and what is more to your Honour
I am good Sir
Your Wellwisher
and most humble FellowSubject
The Author
Volume I
Chap I
I wish either my father or my mother or indeed both of them as they were in
duty both equally bound to it had minded what they were about when they begot
me had they duly considerd how much depended upon what they were then doing
that not only the production of a rational Being was concernd in it but that
possibly the happy formation and temperature of his body perhaps his genius and
the very cast of his mind and for aught they knew to the contrary even the
fortunes of his whole house might take their turn from the humours and
dispositions which were then uppermost Had they duly weighed and considered
all this and proceeded accordingly I am verily persuaded I should have made
a quite different figure in the world from that in which the reader is likely
to see me Believe me good folks this is not so inconsiderable a thing as
many of you may think it you have all I dare say heard of the animal
spirits as how they are transfused from father to son etc etc and a great
deal to that purpose Well you may take my word that nine parts in ten of a
mans sense or his nonsense his successes and miscarriages in this world depend
upon their motions and activity and the different tracks and trains you put
them into so that when they are once set agoing whether right or wrong tis
not a halfpenny matter away they go cluttering like heygomad and by
treading the same steps over and over again they presently make a road of it
as plain and as smooth as a gardenwalk which when they are once used to the
Devil himself sometimes shall not be able to drive them off it
Pray my dear quoth my mother have you not forgot to wind up the clock
Good G cried my father making an exclamation but taking care to moderate
his voice at the same time Did ever woman since the creation of the world
interrupt a man with such a silly question Pray what was your father saying
Nothing
Chap II
Then positively there is nothing in the question that I can see either
good or bad Then let me tell you Sir it was a very unseasonable question
at least because it scattered and dispersed the animal spirits whose
business it was to have escorted and gone handinhand with the HOMUNCULUS and
conducted him safe to the place destined for his reception
The HOMUNCULUS Sir in however low and ludicrous a light he may appear in
this age of levity to the eye of folly or prejudice to the eye of reason in
scientifick research he stands confessd a BEING guarded and circumscribed
with rights The minutest philosophers who by the bye have the most
enlarged understandings their souls being inversely as their enquiries shew
us incontestably That the HOMUNCULUS is created by the same hand engenderd
in the same course of nature endowed with the same locomotive powers and
faculties with us That he consists as we do of skin hair fat flesh
veins arteries ligaments nerves cartilages bones marrow brains glands
genitals humours and articulations is a Being of as much activity and
in all senses of the word as much and as truly our fellowcreature as my Lord
Chancellor of England He may be benefited he may be injured he may obtain
redress in a word he has all the claims and rights of humanity which Tully
Puffendorff or the best ethick writers allow to arise out of that state and
relation
Now dear Sir what if any accident had befallen him in his way alone or
that thro terror of it natural to so young a traveller my little gentleman
had got to his journeys end miserably spent his muscular strength and
virility worn down to a thread his own animal spirits ruffled beyond
description and that in this sad disorderd state of nerves he had laid down
a prey to sudden starts or a series of melancholy dreams and fancies for nine
long long months together I tremble to think what a foundation had been
laid for a thousand weaknesses both of body and mind which no skill of the
physician or the philosopher could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to
rights
Chap III
To my uncle Mr Toby Shandy do I stand indebted for the preceding anecdote to
whom my father who was an excellent natural philosopher and much given to
close reasoning upon the smallest matters had oft and heavily complaind of
the injury but once more particularly as my uncle Toby well rememberd upon
his observing a most unaccountable obliquity as he calld it in my manner of
setting up my top and justifying the principles upon which I had done it the
old gentleman shook his head and in a tone more expressive by half of sorrow
than reproach he said his heart all along foreboded and he saw it verified
in this and from a thousand other observations he had made upon me That I
should neither think nor act like any other mans child But alas continued
he shaking his head a second time and wiping away a tear which was trickling
down his cheeks My Tristrams misfortunes began nine months before ever he came
into the world
My mother who was sitting by lookd up but she knew no more than her
backside what my father meant but my uncle Mr Toby Shandy who had been
often informed of the affair understood him very well
Chap IV
I know there are readers in the world as well as many other good people in it
who are no readers at all who find themselves ill at ease unless they are
let into the whole secret from first to last of every thing which concerns you
It is in pure compliance with this humour of theirs and from a backwardness
in my nature to disappoint any one soul living that I have been so very
particular already As my life and opinions are likely to make some noise in the
world and if I conjecture right will take in all ranks professions and
denominations of men whatever be no less read than the Pilgrims Progress
itself and in the end prove the very thing which Montaigne dreaded his
essays should turn out that is a book for a parlourwindow I find it
necessary to consult every one a little in his turn and therefore must beg
pardon for going on a little further in the same way For which cause right
glad I am that I have begun the history of myself in the way I have done and
that I am able to go on tracing every thing in it as Horace says ab Ovo
Horace I know does not recommend this fashion altogether But that
gentleman is speaking only of an epic poem or a tragedy I forget which
besides if it was not so I should beg Mr Horaces pardon for in writing
what I have set about I shall confine myself neither to his rules nor to any
mans rules that ever lived
To such however as do not choose to go so far back into these things I
can give no better advice than that they skip over the remaining part of this
Chapter for I declare before hand tis wrote only for the curious and
inquisitive
Shut the door
I was begot in the night betwixt the first Sunday and the first Monday in the
month of March in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighteen
I am positive I was But how I came to be so very particular in my account of
a thing which happened before I was born is owing to another small anecdote
known only in our own family but now made publick for the better clearing up
this point
My father you must know who was originally a Turky merchant but had left
off business for some years in order to retire to and die upon his paternal
estate in the county of was I believe one of the most regular men in every
thing he did whether twas matter of business or matter of amusement that
ever lived As a small specimen of this extreme exactness of his to which he
was in truth a slave he had made it a rule for many years of his life on
the first Sunday night of every month throughout the whole year as certain as
ever the Sunday night came to wind up a large houseclock which we had
standing upon the backstairs head with his own hands And being somewhere
between fifty and sixty years of age at the time I have been speaking of he
had likewise gradually brought some other little family concernments to the same
period in order as he would often say to my uncle Toby to get them all out of
the way at one time and be no more plagued and pesterd with them the rest of
the month
It was attended but with one misfortune which in a great measure fell
upon myself and the effects of which I fear I shall carry with me to my grave
namely that from an unhappy association of ideas which have no connection in
nature it so fell out at length that my poor mother could never hear the said
clock wound up but the thoughts of some other things unavoidably poppd into
her head amp vice versâ which strange combination of ideas the
sagacious Locke who certainly understood the nature of these things better than
most men affirms to have produced more wry actions than all other sources of
prejudice whatsoever
But this by the bye
Now it appears by a memorandum in my fathers pocketbook which now lies
upon the table »That on LadyDay which was on the 25th of the same month in
which I date my geniture my father set out upon his journey to London with my
eldest brother Bobby to fix him at Westminster school« and as it appears from
the same authority »That he did not get down to his wife and family till the
second week in May following« it brings the thing almost to a certainty
However what follows in the beginning of the next chapter puts it beyond all
possibility of doubt
But pray Sir What was your father doing all December January and
February Why Madam he was all that time afflicted with a Sciatica
Chap V
On the fifth day of November 1718 which to the æra fixed on was as near nine
kalendar months as any husband could in reason have expected was I Tristram
Shandy Gentleman brought forth into this scurvy and disasterous world of ours
I wish I had been born in the Moon or in any of the planets except Jupiter
or Saturn because I never could bear cold weather for it could not well have
fared worse with me in any of them tho I will not answer for Venus than it
has in this vile dirty planet of ours which o my conscience with reverence
be it spoken I take to be made up of the shreds and clippings of the rest
not but the planet is well enough provided a man could be born in it to a great
title or to a great estate or could any how contrive to be called up to publick
charges and employments of dignity or power but that is not my case and
therefore every man will speak of the fair as his own market has gone in it
for which cause I affirm it over again to be one of the vilest worlds that ever
was made for I can truly say that from the first hour I drew my breath in
it to this that I can now scarce draw it at all for an asthma I got in
scating against the wind in Flanders I have been the continual sport of what
the world calls Fortune and though I will not wrong her by saying She has ever
made me feel the weight of any great or signal evil yet with all the good
temper in the world I affirm it of her that in every stage of my life and at
every turn and corner where she could get fairly at me the ungracious Duchess
has pelted me with a set of as pitiful misadventures and cross accidents as ever
small HERO sustained
Chap VI
In the beginning of the last chapter I informd you exactly when I was born
but I did not inform you how No that particular was reserved entirely for a
chapter by itself besides Sir as you and I are in a manner perfect
strangers to each other it would not have been proper to have let you into too
many circumstances relating to myself all at once You must have a little
patience I have undertaken you see to write not only my life but my opinions
also hoping and expecting that your knowledge of my character and of what kind
of a mortal I am by the one would give you a better relish for the other As
you proceed further with me the slight acquaintance which is now beginning
betwixt us will grow into familiarity and that unless one of us is in fault
will terminate in friendship O diem præclarum then nothing which has
touched me will be thought trifling in its nature or tedious in its telling
Therefore my dear friend and companion if you should think me somewhat sparing
of my narrative on my first setting out bear with me and let me go on and
tell my story my own way or if I should seem now and then to trifle upon the
road or should sometimes put on a fools cap with a bell to it for a moment
or two as we pass along dont fly off but rather courteously give me
credit for a little more wisdom than appears upon my outside and as we jog
on either laugh with me or at me or in short do any thing only keep your
temper
Chap VII
In the same village where my father and my mother dwelt dwelt also a thin
upright motherly notable good old body of a midwife who with the help of a
little plain good sense and some years full employment in her business in
which she had all along trusted little to her own efforts and a great deal to
those of dame nature had acquired in her way no small degree of reputation
in the world by which word world need I in this place inform your worship
that I would be understood to mean no more of it than a small circle described
upon the circle of the great world of four English miles diameter or
thereabouts of which the cottage where the good old woman lived is supposed
to be the centre She had been left it seems a widow in great distress
with three or four small children in her fortyseventh year and as she was at
that time a person of decent carriage grave deportment a woman moreover
of few words and withall an object of compassion whose distress and silence
under it calld out the louder for a friendly lift the wife of the parson of
the parish was touchd with pity and having often lamented an inconvenience to
which her husbands flock had for many years been exposed inasmuch as there
was no such thing as a midwife of any kind or degree to be got at let the case
have been never so urgent within less than six or seven long miles riding
which said seven long miles in dark nights and dismal roads the country
thereabouts being nothing but a deep clay was almost equal to fourteen and
that in effect was sometimes next to having no midwife at all it came into her
head that it would be doing as seasonable a kindness to the whole parish as to
the poor creature herself to get her a little instructed in some of the plain
principles of the business in order to set her up in it As no woman
thereabouts was better qualified to execute the plan she had formed than
herself the Gentlewoman very charitably undertook it and having great
influence over the female part of the parish she found no difficulty in
effecting it to the utmost of her wishes In truth the parson joind his
interest with his wifes in the whole affair and in order to do things as they
should be and give the poor soul as good a title by law to practise as his
wife had given by institution he chearfully paid the fees for the ordinarys
licence himself amounting in the whole to the sum of eighteen shillings and
fourpence so that betwixt them both the good woman was fully invested in the
real and corporal possession of her office together with all its rights
members and appurtenances whatsoever
These last words you must know were not according to the old form in which
such licences faculties and powers usually ran which in like cases had
heretofore been granted to the sisterhood But it was according to a neat
Formula of Didius his own devising who having a particular turn for taking to
pieces and new framing over again all kind of instruments in that way not
only hit upon this dainty amendment but coaxd many of the old licensed matrons
in the neighbourhood to open their faculties afresh in order to have this
whimwham of his inserted
I own I never could envy Didius in these kinds of fancies of his But
every man to his own taste Did not Dr Kunastrokius that great man at his
leisure hours take the greatest delight imaginable in combing of asses tails
and plucking the dead hairs out with his teeth though he had tweezers always in
his pocket Nay if you come to that Sir have not the wisest of men in all
ages not excepting Solomon himself have they not had their HOBBYHORSES
their running horses their coins and their cockleshells their drums and
their trumpets their fiddles their pallets their maggots and their
butterflies and so long as a man rides his HOBBYHORSE peaceably and quietly
along the Kings highway and neither compels you or me to get up behind him
pray Sir what have either you or I to do with it
Chap VIII
De gustibus non est disputandum that is there is no disputing against
HOBBYHORSES and for my part I seldom do nor could I with any sort of grace
had I been an enemy to them at the bottom for happening at certain intervals
and changes of the Moon to be both fiddler and painter according as the fly
stings Be it known to you that I keep a couple of pads myself upon which
in their turns nor do I care who knows it I frequently ride out and take the
air tho sometimes to my shame be it spoken I take somewhat longer journies
than what a wise man would think altogether right But the truth is I am
not a wise man and besides am a mortal of so little consequence in the
world it is not much matter what I do so I seldom fret or fume at all about
it Nor does it much disturb my rest when I see such great Lords and tall
Personages as hereafter follow such for instance as my Lord A B C D E
F G H I K L M N O P Q and so on all of a row mounted upon their
several horses some with large stirrups getting on in a more grave and sober
pace others on the contrary tuckd up to their very chins with whips
across their mouths scouring and scampering it away like so many little
partycolourd devils astride a mortgage and as if some of them were resolved
to break their necks So much the better say I to myself for in case the
worst should happen the world will make a shift to do excellently well without
them and for the rest why God speed them een let them ride on
without any opposition from me for were their lordships unhorsed this very
night tis ten to one but that many of them would be worse mounted by one
half before tomorrow morning
Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break in upon my rest
But there is an instance which I own puts me off my guard and that is when I
see one born for great actions and what is still more for his honour whose
nature ever inclines him to good ones when I behold such a one my Lord
like yourself whose principles and conduct are as generous and noble as his
blood and whom for that reason a corrupt world cannot spare one moment
when I see such a one my Lord mounted though it is but for a minute beyond
the time which my love to my country has prescribed to him and my zeal for his
glory wishes then my Lord I cease to be a philosopher and in the first
transport of an honest impatience I wish the HOBBYHORSE with all his
fraternity at the Devil
My Lord
I maintain this to be a dedication notwithstanding its singularity
in the three great essentials of matter form and place I beg
therefore you will accept it as such and that you will permit me to
lay it with the most respectful humility at your Lordships feet
when you are upon them which you can be when you please and that
is my Lord whenever there is occasion for it and I will add to the
best purposes too I have the honour to be
My Lord
Your Lordships most obedient
and most devoted
and most humble servant
TRISTRAM SHANDY
Chap IX
I solemnly declare to all mankind that the above dedication was made for no one
Prince Prelate Pope or Potentate Duke Marquis Earl Viscount or Baron
of this or any other Realm in Christendom nor has it yet been hawkd about
or offered publickly or privately directly or indirectly to any one person or
personage great or small but is honestly a true VirginDedication untried on
upon any soul living
I labour this point so particularly merely to remove any offence or
objection which might arise against it from the manner in which I propose to
make the most of it which is the putting it up fairly to publick sale which
I now do
Every author has a way of his own in bringing his points to bear for
my own part as I hate chaffering and higgling for a few guineas in a dark
entry I resolved within myself from the very beginning to deal squarely and
openly with your Great Folks in this affair and try whether I should not come
off the better by it
If therefore there is any one Duke Marquis Earl Viscount or Baron in
these his Majestys dominions who stands in need of a tight genteel
dedication and whom the above will suit for by the bye unless it suits in
some degree I will not part with it it is much at his service for fifty
guineas which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it ought to be
afforded for by any man of genius
My Lord if you examine it over again it is far from being a gross piece of
daubing as some dedications are The design your Lordship sees is good the
colouring transparent the drawing not amiss or to speak more like a man of
science and measure my piece in the painters scale divided into 20 I
believe my Lord the outlines will turn out as 12 the composition as 9
the colouring as 6 the expression 13 and a half and the design if I may
be allowed my Lord to understand my own design and supposing absolute
perfection in designing to be as 20 I think it cannot well fall short of 19
Besides all this there is keeping in it and the dark strokes in the
HOBBYHORSE which is a secondary figure and a kind of background to the
whole give great force to the principal lights in your own figure and make it
come off wonderfully and besides there is an air of originality in the tout
ensemble
Be pleased my good Lord to order the sum to be paid into the hands of Mr
Dodsley for the benefit of the author and in the next edition care shall be
taken that this chapter be expunged and your Lordships titles distinctions
arms and good actions be placed at the front of the preceding chapter All
which from the words De gustibus non est disputandum and whatever else in
this book relates to HOBBYHORSES but no more shall stand dedicated to your
Lordship The rest I dedicate to the MOON who by the bye of all the PATRONS
or MATRONS I can think of has most power to set my book agoing and make the
world run mad after it
Bright Goddess
If thou art not too busy with CANDID and MISS CUNEGUNDS affairs take
Tristram Shandys under thy protection also
Chap X
Whatever degree of small merit the act of benignity in favour of the midwife
might justly claim or in whom that claim truly rested at first sight seems
not very material to this history certain however it was that the
gentlewoman the parsons wife did run away at that time with the whole of it
And yet for my life I cannot help thinking but that the parson himself tho
he had not the good fortune to hit upon the design first yet as he heartily
concurred in it the moment it was laid before him and as heartily parted with
his money to carry it into execution had a claim to some share of it if not
to a full half of whatever honour was due to it
The world at that time was pleased to determine the matter otherwise
Lay down the book and I will allow you half a day to give a probable guess
at the grounds of this procedure
Be it known then that for about five years before the date of the
midwifes licence of which you have had so circumstantial an account the
parson we have to do with had made himself a countrytalk by a breach of all
decorum which he had committed against himself his station and his office
and that was in never appearing better or otherwise mounted than upon a lean
sorry jackass of a horse value about one pound fifteen shillings who to
shorten all description of him was full brother to Rosinante as far as
similitude congenial could make him for he answered his description to a
hairbreadth in every thing except that I do not remember tis any where
said that Rosinante was broken winded and that moveover Rosinante as is the
happiness of most Spanish horses fat or lean was undoubtedly a horse at all
points
I know very well that the HEROS horse was a horse of chaste deportment
which may have given grounds for a contrary opinion But it is certain at the
same time that Rosinantes continency as may be demonstrated from the
adventure of the Yanguesian carriers proceeded from no bodily defect or cause
whatsoever but from the temperance and orderly current of his blood And let
me tell you Madam there is a great deal of very good chastity in the world in
behalf of which you could not say more for your life
Let that be as it may as my purpose is to do exact justice to every
creature brought upon the stage of this dramatic work I could not stifle this
distinction in favour of Don Quixotes horse in all other points the
parsons horse I say was just such another for he was as lean and as lank
and as sorry a jade as HUMILITY herself could have bestrided
In the estimation of here and there a man of weak judgment it was greatly
in the parsons power to have helped the figure of this horse of his for he
was master of a very handsome demipeakd saddle quilted on the seat with green
plush garnished with a noble row of silverheaded studs and a noble pair of
shining brass stirrups with a housing altogether suitable of grey superfine
cloth with an edging of black lace terminating in a deep black silk fringe
poudré dor all which he had purchased in the pride and prime of his life
together with a grand embossed bridle ornamented at all points as it should be
But not caring to banter his beast he had hung all these up behind his study
door and in lieu of them had seriously befitted him with just such a bridle
and such a saddle as the figure and value of such a steed might well and truly
deserve
In the several sallies about his parish and in the neighbouring visits to
the gentry who lived around him you will easily comprehend that the parson
so appointed would both hear and see enough to keep his philosophy from
rusting To speak the truth he never could enter a village but he caught the
attention of both old and young Labour stood still as he passd the
bucket hung suspended in the middle of the well the spinningwheel forgot its
round even chuckfarthing and shufflecap themselves stood gaping till he had
got out of sight and as his movement was not of the quickest he had generally
time enough upon his hands to make his observations to hear the groans of the
serious and the laughter of the lighthearted all which he bore with
excellent tranquillity His character was he loved a jest in his heart
and as he saw himself in the true point of ridicule he would say he could not
be angry with others for seeing him in a light in which he so strongly saw
himself So that to his friends who knew his foible was not the love of money
and who therefore made the less scruple in bantering the extravagance of his
humour instead of giving the true cause he chose rather to join in the
laugh against himself and as he never carried one single ounce of flesh upon
his own bones being altogether as spare a figure as his beast he would
sometimes insist upon it that the horse was as good as the rider deserved
that they were centaurlike both of a piece At other times and in other
moods when his spirits were above the temptation of false wit he would say
he found himself going off fast in a consumption and with great gravity would
pretend he could not bear the sight of a fat horse without a dejection of
heart and a sensible alteration in his pulse and that he had made choice of
the lean one he rode upon not only to keep himself in countenance but in
spirits
At different times he would give fifty humorous and opposite reasons for
riding a meekspirited jade of a brokenwinded horse preferably to one of
mettle for on such a one he could sit mechanically and meditate as
delightfully de vanitate mundi et fugâ sæculi as with the advantage of a
deaths head before him that in all other exercitations he could spend his
time as he rode slowly along to as much account as in his study that he
could draw up an argument in his sermon or a hole in his breeches as
steadily on the one as in the other that brisk trotting and slow
argumentation like wit and judgment were two incompatible movements But
that upon his steed he could unite and reconcile every thing he could
compose his sermon he could compose his cough and in case nature gave a
call that way he could likewise compose himself to sleep In short the
parson upon such encounters would assign any cause but the true cause and he
withheld the true one only out of a nicety of temper because he thought it did
honour to him
But the truth of the story was as follows In the first years of this
gentlemans life and about the time when the superb saddle and bridle were
purchased by him it had been his manner or vanity or call it what you will
to run into the opposite extream In the language of the county where he
dwelt he was said to have loved a good horse and generally had one of the best
in the whole parish standing in his stable always ready for saddling and as the
nearest midwife as I told you did not live nearer to the village than seven
miles and in a vile country it so fell out that the poor gentleman was
scarce a whole week together without some piteous application for his beast and
as he was not an unkindhearted man and every case was more pressing and more
distressful than the last as much as he loved his beast he had never a heart
to refuse him the upshot of which was generally this that his horse was either
clappd or spavind or greazd or he was twitterbond or brokenwinded
or something in short or other had befallen him which would let him carry no
flesh so that he had every nine or ten months a bad horse to get rid of
and a good horse to purchase in his stead
What the loss in such a balance might amount to communibus annis I would
leave to a special jury of sufferers in the same traffic to determine but
let it be what it would the honest gentleman bore it for many years without a
murmur till at length by repeated ill accidents of the kind he found it
necessary to take the thing under consideration and upon weighing the whole
and summing it up in his mind he found it not only disproportiond to his other
expences but withall so heavy an article in itself as to disable him from any
other act of generosity in his parish Besides this he considered that with
half the sum thus galloped away he could do ten times as much good and what
still weighed more with him than all other considerations put together was
this that it confined all his charity into one particular channel and where
as he fancied it was the least wanted namely to the childbearing and
childgetting part of his parish reserving nothing for the impotent nothing
for the aged nothing for the many comfortless scenes he was hourly called
forth to visit where poverty and sickness and affliction dwelt together
For these reasons he resolved to discontinue the expence and there appeared
but two possible ways to extricate him clearly out of it and these were
either to make it an irrevocable law never more to lend his steed upon any
application whatever or else be content to ride the last poor devil such as
they had made him with all his aches and infirmities to the very end of the
chapter
As he dreaded his own constancy in the first he very chearfully betook
himself to the second and tho he could very well have explaind it as I said
to his honour yet for that very reason he had a spirit above it choosing
rather to bear the contempt of his enemies and the laughter of his friends
than undergo the pain of telling a story which might seem a panegyric upon
himself
I have the highest idea of the spiritual and refined sentiments of this
reverend gentleman from this single stroke in his character which I think
comes up to any of the honest refinements of the peerless knight of La Mancha
whom by the bye with all his follies I love more and would actually have
gone further to have paid a visit to than the greatest hero of antiquity
But this is not the moral of my story The thing I had in view was to shew
the temper of the world in the whole of this affair For you must know that
so long as this explanation would have done the parson credit the devil a
soul could find it out I suppose his enemies would not and that his friends
could not But no sooner did he bestir himself in behalf of the midwife and
pay the expences of the ordinarys licence to set her up but the whole secret
came out every horse he had lost and two horses more than ever he had lost
with all the circumstances of their destruction were known and distinctly
remembered The story ran like wildfire »The parson had a returning fit of
pride which had just seized him and he was going to be well mounted once again
in his life and if it was so twas plain as the sun at noonday he would
pocket the expence of the licence ten times told the very first year So
that every body was left to judge what were his views in this act of charity«
What were his views in this and in every other action of his life or
rather what were the opinions which floated in the brains of other people
concerning it was a thought which too much floated in his own and too often
broke in upon his rest when he should have been sound asleep
About ten years ago this gentleman had the good fortune to be made entirely
easy upon that score it being just so long since he left his parish and
the whole world at the same time behind him and stands accountable to a judge
of whom he will have no cause to complain
But there is a fatality attends the actions of some men Order them as they
will they pass thro a certain medium which so twists and refracts them from
their true directions that with all the titles to praise which a rectitude
of heart can give the doers of them are nevertheless forced to live and die
without it
Of the truth of which this gentleman was a painful example But to know
by what means this came to pass and to make that knowledge of use to you I
insist upon it that you read the two following chapters which contain such a
sketch of his life and conversation as will carry its moral along with it
When this is done if nothing stops us in our way we will go on with the
midwife
Chap XI
Yorick was this parsons name and what is very remarkable in it as appears
from a most ancient account of the family wrote upon strong vellum and now in
perfect preservation it had been exactly so spelt for near I was within an
ace of saying nine hundred years but I would not shake my credit in telling
an improbable truth however indisputable in itself and therefore I shall
content myself with only saying It had been exactly so spelt without the
least variation or transposition of a single letter for I do not know how long
which is more than I would venture to say of one half of the best surnames in
the kingdom which in a course of years have generally undergone as many chops
and changes as their owners Has this been owing to the pride or to the shame
of the respective proprietors In honest truth I think sometimes to the one
and sometimes to the other just as the temptation has wrought But a villainous
affair it is and will one day so blend and confound us all together that no
one shall be able to stand up and swear »That his own great grandfather was the
man who did either this or that«
This evil had been sufficiently fenced against by the prudent care of the
Yoricks family and their religious preservation of these records I quote
which do further inform us That the family was originally of Danish extraction
and had been transplanted into England as early as in the reign of Horwendillus
king of Denmark in whose court it seems an ancestor of this Mr Yoricks and
from whom he was lineally descended held a considerable post to the day of his
death Of what nature this considerable post was this record saith not it
only adds That for near two centuries it had been totally abolished as
altogether unnecessary not only in that court but in every other court of the
Christian world
It has often come into my head that this post could be no other than that
of the kings chief Jester and that Hamlets Yorick in our Shakespeare many
of whose plays you know are founded upon authenticated facts was certainly
the very man
I have not the time to look into SaxoGrammaticuss Danish history to know
the certainty of this but if you have leisure and can easily get at the
book you may do it full as well yourself
I had just time in my travels through Denmark with Mr Noddys eldest son
whom in the year 1741 I accompanied as governor riding along with him at a
prodigious rate thro most parts of Europe and of which original journey
performd by us two a most delectable narrative will be given in the progress
of this work I had just time I say and that was all to prove the truth of an
observation made by a long sojourner in that country namely »That nature
was neither very lavish nor was she very stingy in her gifts of genius and
capacity to its inhabitants but like a discreet parent was moderately kind
to them all observing such an equal tenor in the distribution of her favours
as to bring them in those points pretty near to a level with each other so
that you will meet with few instances in that kingdom of refind parts but a
great deal of good plain houshold understanding amongst all ranks of people of
which every body has a share« which is I think very right
With us you see the case is quite different we are all ups and downs in
this matter you are a great genius or tis fifty to one Sir you are a
great dunce and a blockhead not that there is a total want of intermediate
steps no we are not so irregular as that comes to but the two extremes
are more common and in a greater degree in this unsettled island where nature
in her gifts and dispositions of this kind is most whimsical and capricious
fortune herself not being more so in the bequest of her goods and chattels than
she
This is all that ever staggerd my faith in regard to Yoricks extraction
who by what I can remember of him and by all the accounts I could ever get of
him seemd not to have had one single drop of Danish blood in his whole crasis
in nine hundred years it might possibly have all run out I will not
philosophize one moment with you about it for happen how it would the fact was
this That instead of that cold phlegm and exact regularity of sense and
humours you would have lookd for in one so extracted he was on the
contrary as mercurial and sublimated a composition as heteroclite a creature
in all his declensions with as much life and whim and gaité de coeur about
him as the kindliest climate could have engendered and put together With all
this sail poor Yorick carried not one ounce of ballast he was utterly
unpractised in the world and at the age of twentysix knew just about as well
how to steer his course in it as a romping unsuspicious girl of thirteen So
that upon his first setting out the brisk gale of his spirits as you will
imagine ran him foul ten times in a day of some bodys tackling and as the
grave and more slowpaced were oftenest in his way you may likewise imagine
twas with such he had generally the ill luck to get the most entangled For
aught I know there might be some mixture of unlucky wit at the bottom of such
Fracas For to speak the truth Yorick had an invincible dislike and
opposition in his nature to gravity not to gravity as such for where
gravity was wanted he would be the most grave and serious of mortal men for
days and weeks together but he was an enemy to the affectation of it and
declared open war against it only as it appeared a cloak for ignorance or for
folly and then whenever it fell in his way however sheltered and protected
he seldom gave it much quarter
Sometimes in his wild way of talking he would say That gravity was an
errant scoundrel and he would add of the most dangerous kind too because
a sly one and that he verily believed more honest wellmeaning people were
bubbled out of their goods and money by it in one twelvemonth than by
pocketpicking and shoplifting in seven In the naked temper which a merry
heart discovered he would say There was no danger but to itself whereas
the very essence of gravity was design and consequently deceit twas a
taught trick to gain credit of the world for more sense and knowledge than a man
was worth and that with all its pretensions it was no better but often
worse than what a French wit had long ago defined it viz A mysterious
carriage of the body to cover the defects of the mind which definition of
gravity Yorick with great imprudence would say deserved to be wrote in
letters of gold
But in plain truth he was a man unhackneyed and unpractised in the world
and was altogether as indiscreet and foolish on every other subject of discourse
where policy is wont to impress restraint Yorick had no impression but one and
that was what arose from the nature of the deed spoken of which impression he
would usually translate into plain English without any periphrasis and too
oft without much distinction of either personage time or place so that when
mention was made of a pitiful or an ungenerous proceeding he never gave
himself a moments time to reflect who was the Hero of the piece what his
station or how far he had power to hurt him hereafter but if it was a
dirty action without more ado The man was a dirty fellow and so on
And as his comments had usually the ill fate to be terminated either in a bon
mot or to be enlivend throughout with some drollery or humour of expression
it gave wings to Yoricks indiscretion In a word tho he never sought yet at
the same time as he seldom shund occasions of saying what came uppermost and
without much ceremony he had but too many temptations in life of
scattering his wit and his humour his gibes and his jests about him They
were not lost for want of gathering
What were the consequences and what was Yoricks catastrophe thereupon you
will read in the next chapter
Chap XII
The Mortgager and Mortgagée differ the one from the other not more in length of
purse than the Jester and Jestée do in that of memory But in this the
comparison between them runs as the scholiasts call it upon allfour which
by the bye is upon one or two legs more than some of the best of Homers can
pretend to namely That the one raises a sum and the other a laugh at your
expence and think no more about it Interest however still runs on in both
cases the periodical or accidental payments of it just serving to keep the
memory of the affair alive till at length in some evil hour pop comes the
creditor upon each and by demanding principal upon the spot together with full
interest to the very day makes them both feel the full extent of their
obligations
As the reader for I hate your ifs has a thorough knowledge of human
nature I need not say more to satisfy him that my Hero could not go on at this
rate without some slight experience of these incidental mementos To speak the
truth he had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of small bookdebts of
this stamp which notwithstanding Eugeniuss frequent advice he too much
disregarded thinking that as not one of them was contracted thro any
malignancy but on the contrary from an honesty of mind and a mere
jocundity of humour they would all of them be crossd out in course
Eugenius would never admit this and would often tell him that one day or
other he would certainly be reckoned with and he would often add in an accent
of sorrowful apprehension to the uttermost mite To which Yorick with his
usual carelessness of heart would as often answer with a pshaw and if the
subject was started in the fields with a hop skip and a jump at the end of
it but if close pent up in the social chimney corner where the culprit was
barricadod in with a table and a couple of arm chairs and could not so
readily fly off in a tangent Eugenius would then go on with his lecture upon
discretion in words to this purpose though somewhat better put together
Trust me dear Yorick this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or later
bring thee into scrapes and difficulties which no afterwit can extricate thee
out of In these sallies too oft I see it happens that a person laughd
at considers himself in the light of a person injured with all the rights of
such a situation belonging to him and when thou viewest him in that light too
and reckons up his friends his family his kindred and allies and musters
up with them the many recruits which will list under him from a sense of common
danger tis no extravagant arithmetic to say that for every ten jokes
thou hast got a hundred enemies and till thou hast gone on and raised a swarm
of wasps about thy ears and art half stung to death by them thou wilt never be
convinced it is so
I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem that there is the least spur
from spleen or malevolence of intent in these sallies I believe and know
them to be truly honest and sportive But consider my dear lad that fools
cannot distinguish this and that knaves will not and thou knowest not what
it is either to provoke the one or to make merry with the other whenever
they associate for mutual defence depend upon it they will carry on the war in
such a manner against thee my dear friend as to make thee heartily sick of it
and of thy life too
REVENGE from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at thee
which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set right The
fortunes of thy house shall totter thy character which led the way to them
shall bleed on every side of it thy faith questioned thy works belied
thy wit forgotten thy learning trampled on To wind up the last scene of thy
tragedy CRUELTY and COWARDICE twin ruffians hired and set on by MALICE in the
dark shall strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes The best of
us my dear lad lie open there and trust me trust me Yorick When to
gratify a private appetite it is once resolved upon that an innocent and an
helpless creature shall be sacrificed tis an easy matter to pick up sticks
enew from any thicket where it has strayed to make a fire to offer it up with
Yorick scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read over to
him but with a tear stealing from his eye and a promissory look attending it
that he was resolved for the time to come to ride his tit with more sobriety
But alas too late a grand confederacy with and at
the head of it was formd before the first prediction of it The whole plan
of the attack just as Eugenius had foreboded was put in execution all at once
with so little mercy on the side of the allies and so little suspicion in
Yorick of what was carrying on against him that when he thought good easy
man full surely preferment was oripening they had smote his root and then
he fell as many a worthy man had fallen before him
Yorick however fought it out with all imaginable gallantry for some time
till overpowerd by numbers and worn out at length by the calamities of the
war but more so by the ungenerous manner in which it was carried on he
threw down the sword and though he kept up his spirits in appearance to the
last he died nevertheless as was generally thought quite broken hearted
What inclined Eugenius to the same opinion was as follows
A few hours before Yorick breathd his last Eugenius stept in with an
intent to take his last sight and last farewell of him Upon his drawing
Yoricks curtain and asking how he felt himself Yorick looking up in his
face took hold of his hand and after thanking him for the many tokens of
his friendship to him for which he said if it was their fate to meet
hereafter he would thank him again and again He told him he was within a
few hours of giving his enemies the slip for ever I hope not answered
Eugenius with tears trickling down his cheeks and with the tenderest tone that
ever man spoke I hope not Yorick said he Yorick replied with a look up
and a gentle squeeze of Eugeniuss hand and that was all but it cut Eugenius
to his heart Come come Yorick quoth Eugenius wiping his eyes and
summoning up the man within him my dear lad be comforted let not all thy
spirits and fortitude forsake thee at this crisis when thou most wants them
who knows what resources are in store and what the power of God may yet do for
thee Yorick laid his hand upon his heart and gently shook his head for
my part continued Eugenius crying bitterly as he uttered the words I
declare I know not Yorick how to part with thee and would gladly flatter
my hopes added Eugenius chearing up his voice that there is still enough left
of thee to make a bishop and that I may live to see it I beseech thee
Eugenius quoth Yorick taking off his nightcap as well as he could with his
left hand his right being still grasped closed in that of Eugenius I
beseech thee to take a view of my head I see nothing that ails it replied
Eugenius Then alas my friend said Yorick let me tell you that tis so
bruised and misshapend with the blows which and and some
others have so unhandsomely given me in the dark that I might say with Sancho
Pança that should I recover and »Mitres thereupon be sufferd to rain down
from heaven as thick as hail not one of em would fit it« Yoricks last
breath was hanging upon his trembling lips ready to depart as he uttered this
yet still it was utterd with something of a Cervantick tone and as he spoke
it Eugenius could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for a moment in
his eyes faint picture of those flashes of his spirit which as Shakespeare
said of his ancestor were wont to set the table in a roar
Eugenius was convinced from this that the heart of his friend was broke he
squeezd his hand and then walkd softly out of the room weeping as he
walkd Yorick followed Eugenius with his eyes to the door he then closed
them and never opened them more
He lies buried in a corner of his churchyard in the parish of under a
plain marble slabb which his friend Eugenius by leave of his executors laid
upon his grave with no more than these three words of inscription serving both
for his epitaph and elegy
Alas poor Yorick
Ten times in a day has Yoricks ghost the consolation to hear his monumental
inscription read over with such a variety of plaintive tones as denote a
general pity and esteem for him a footway crossing the churchyard close by
the side of his grave not a passenger goes by without stopping to cast a look
upon it and sighing as he walks on
Alas poor Yorick
Two black pages following
Chap XIII
It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been parted from the
midwife that it is high time to mention her again to him merely to put him in
mind that there is such a body still in the world and whom upon the best
judgment I can form upon my own plan at present I am going to introduce to
him for good and all But as fresh matter may be started and much unexpected
business fall out betwixt the reader and myself which may require immediate
dispatch twas right to take care that the poor woman should not be lost in
the mean time because when she is wanted we can no way do without her
I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note and
consequence throughout our whole village and township that her fame had
spread itself to the very outedge and circumference of that circle of
importance of which kind every soul living whether he has a shirt to his back
or no has one surrounding him which said circle by the way whenever
tis said that such a one is of great weight and importance in the world I
desire may be enlarged or contracted in your worships fancy in a
compoundratio of the station profession knowledge abilities height and
depth measuring both ways of the personage brought before you
In the present case if I remember I fixed it at about four or five miles
which not only comprehended the whole parish but extended itself to two or
three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish which made a
considerable thing of it I must add That she was moreover very well looked
on at one large grangehouse and some other odd houses and farms within two or
three miles as I said from the smoke of her own chimney But I must here
once for all inform you that all this will be more exactly delineated and
explaind in a map now in the hands of the engraver which with many other
pieces and developments to this work will be added to the end of the twentieth
volume not to swell the work I detest the thought of such a thing but
by way of commentary scholium illustration and key to such passages
incidents or inuendos as shall be thought to be either of private
interpretation or of dark or doubtful meaning after my life and my opinions
shall have been read over now dont forget the meaning of the word by all the
world which betwixt you and me and in spite of all the gentlemen reviewers
in GreatBritain and of all that their worships shall undertake to write or say
to the contrary I am determined shall be the case I need not tell your
worship that all this is spoke in confidence
Chap XIV
Upon looking into my mothers marriage settlement in order to satisfy myself
and reader in a point necessary to be cleard up before we could proceed any
further in this history I had the good fortune to pop upon the very thing I
wanted before I had read a day and a half straightforwards it might have
taken me up a month which shews plainly that when a man sits down to write a
history tho it be but the history of Jack Hickathrift or Tom Thumb he knows
no more than his heels what lets and confounded hinderances he is to meet with
in his way or what a dance he may be led by one excursion or another before
all is over Could a historiographer drive on his history as a muleteer drives
on his mule straight forward for instance from Rome all the way to
Loretto without ever once turning his head aside either to the right hand or to
the left he might venture to foretell you to an hour when he should get to
his journeys end but the thing is morally speaking impossible For if he
is a man of the least spirit he will have fifty deviations from a straight line
to make with this or that party as he goes along which he can no ways avoid He
will have views and prospects to himself perpetually soliciting his eye which
he can no more help standing still to look at than he can fly he will moreover
have various
Accounts to reconcile
Anecdotes to pick up
Inscriptions to make out
Stories to weave in
Traditions to sift
Personages to call upon
Panegyricks to paste up at this door
Pasquinades at that All which both the man and his mule are quite exempt
from To sum up all there are archives at every stage to be lookd into and
rolls records documents and endless genealogies which justice ever and anon
calls him back to stay the reading of In short there is no end of it for
my own part I declare I have been at it these six weeks making all the speed I
possibly could and am not yet born I have just been able and thats all
to tell you when it happend but not how so that you see the thing is yet
far from being accomplished
These unforeseen stoppages which I own I had no conception of when I first
set out but which I am convinced now will rather increase than diminish as
I advance have struck out a hint which I am resolved to follow and that
is not to be in a hurry but to go on leisurely writing and publishing two
volumes of my life every year which if I am suffered to go on quietly and
can make a tolerable bargain with my bookseller I shall continue to do as long
as I live
Chap XV
The article in my mothers marriage settlement which I told the reader I was at
the pains to search for and which now that I have found it I think proper to
lay before him is so much more fully expressd in the deed itself than ever
I can pretend to do it that it would be barbarity to take it out of the
lawyers hand It is as follows
And this Indenture further witnesseth That the said Walter Shandy
merchant in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had and by
Gods blessing to be well and truly solemnized and consummated between the said
Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid and divers other good and
valuable causes and considerations him thereunto specially moving doth grant
covenant condescend consent conclude bargain and fully agree to and with
John Dixon and James Turner Esqrs the abovenamed trustees etc etc to
wit That in case it should hereafter so fall out chance happen or
otherwise come to pass That the said Walter Shandy merchant shall have left
off business before the time or times that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall
according to the course of nature or otherwise have left off bearing and
bringing forth children and that in consequence of the said Walter Shandy
having so left off business shall in despight and against the freewill
consent and goodliking of the said Elizabeth Mollineux make a departure
from the city of London in order to retire to and dwell upon his estate at
ShandyHall in the county of or at any other countryseat castle hall
mansionhouse messuage or graingehouse now purchased or hereafter to be
purchased or upon any part or parcel thereof That then and as often as the
said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen to be enceint with child or children
severally and lawfully begot or to be begotten upon the body of the said
Elizabeth Mollineux during her said coverture he the said Walter Shandy
shall at his own proper cost and charges and out of his own proper monies
upon good and reasonable notice which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks
of her the said Elizabeth Mollineuxs full reckoning or time of supposed and
computed delivery pay or cause to be paid the sum of one hundred and twenty
pounds of good and lawful money to John Dixon and James Turner Esqrs or
assigns upon TRUST and confidence and for and unto the use and uses intent
end and purpose following That is to say That the said sum of one hundred
and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux
or to be otherwise applied by them the said trustees for the well and truly
hiring of one coach with able and sufficient horses to carry and convey the
body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux and the child or children which she shall
be then and there enceint and pregnant with unto the city of London and for
the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs charges and
expences whatsoever in and about and for and relating to her said intended
delivery and lyingin in the said city or suburbs thereof And that the said
Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may from time to time and at all such time and
times as are here convenanted and agreed upon peaceably and quietly hire the
said coach and horses and have free ingress egress and regress throughout her
journey in and from the said coach according to the tenor true intent and
meaning of these presents without any let suit trouble disturbance
molestation discharge hinderance forfeiture eviction vexation
interruption or incumberance whatsoever And that it shall moreover be lawful
to and for the said Elizabeth Mollineux from time to time and as oft or often
as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy to the time
heretofore stipulated and agreed upon to live and reside in such place or
places and in such family or families and with such relations friends and
other persons within the said city of London as she at her own will and
pleasure notwithstanding her present coverture and as if she was a femme sole
and unmarried shall think fit And this Indenture further witnesseth That
for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution the said
Walter Shandy merchant doth hereby grant bargain sell release and confirm
unto the said John Dixon and James Turner Esqrs their heirs executors and
assigns in their actual possession now being by virtue of an indenture of
bargain and sale for a year to them the said John Dixon and James Turner Esqrs
by him the said Walter Shandy merchant thereof made which said bargain and
sale for a year bears date the day next before the date of these presents and
by force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into possession
All that the manor and lordship of Shandy in the county of with all the
rights members and appurtenances thereof and all and every the messuages
houses buildings barns stables orchards gardens backsides tofts crofts
garths cottages lands meadows feedings pastures marshes commons woods
underwoods drains fisheries waters and watercourses together with all
rents reversions services annuities feefarms knights fees views of
frankpledge escheats reliefs mines quarries goods and chattels of felons
and fugitives felons of themselves and put in exigent deodands free warrens
and all other royalties and seignories rights and jurisdictions privileges and
hereditaments whatsoever And also the advowson donation presentation and
free disposition of the rectory or parsonage of Shandy aforesaid and all and
every the tenths tythes glebelands« In three words »My mother was to
lay in if she chose it in London«
But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the part of
my mother which a marriage article of this nature too manifestly opened a door
to and which indeed had never been thought of at all but for my uncle Toby
Shandy a clause was added in security of my father which was this »That
in case my mother hereafter should at any time put my father to the trouble
and expence of a London journey upon false cries and tokens that for every
such instance she should forfeit all the right and title which the covenant gave
her to the next turn but to no more and so on toties quoties in as
effectual a manner as if such a covenant betwixt them had not been made«
This by the way was no more than what was reasonable and yet as reasonable
as it was I have ever thought it hard that the whole weight of the article
should have fallen entirely as it did upon myself
But I was begot and born to misfortunes for my poor mother whether it
was wind or water or a compound of both or neither or whether it was
simply the mere swell of imagination and fancy in her or how far a strong
wish and desire to have it so might mislead her judgment in short whether
she was deceived or deceiving in this matter it no way becomes me to decide
The fact was this That in the latter end of September 1717 which was the year
before I was born my mother having carried my father up to town much against
the grain he peremptorily insisted upon the clause so that I was doomd
by marriage articles to have my nose squeezd as flat to my face as if the
destinies had actually spun me without one
How this event came about and what a train of vexatious disappointments
in one stage or other of my life have pursued me from the mere loss or rather
compression of this one single member shall be laid before the reader all in
due time
Chap XVI
My father as any body may naturally imagine came down with my mother into the
country in but a pettish kind of a humour The first twenty or fiveandtwenty
miles he did nothing in the world but fret and teaze himself and indeed my
mother too about the cursed expence which he said might every shilling of it
have been saved then what vexed him more than every thing else was the
provoking time of the year which as I told you was towards the end of
September when his wallfruit and green gages especially in which he was very
curious were just ready for pulling »Had he been whistled up to London upon
a Tom Fools errand in any other month of the whole year he should not have
said three words about it«
For the next two whole stages no subject would go down but the heavy blow
he has sustaind from the loss of a son whom it seems he had fully reckond
upon in his mind and registerd down in his pocketbook as a second staff for
his old age in case Bobby should fail him »The disappointment of this he
said was ten times more to a wise man than all the money which the journey
etc had cost him put together rot the hundred and twenty pounds he did
not mind it a rush«
From Stilton all the way to Grantham nothing in the whole affair provoked
him so much as the condolences of his friends and the foolish figure they
should both make at church the first Sunday of which in the satirical
vehemence of his wit now sharpend a little by vexation he would give so many
humorous and provoking descriptions and place his rib and self in so many
tormenting lights and attitudes in the face of the whole congregation that my
mother declared these two stages were so truly tragicomical that she did
nothing but laugh and cry in a breath from one end to the other of them all the
way
From Grantham till they had crossd the Trent my father was out of all
kind of patience at the vile trick and imposition which he fancied my mother had
put upon him in this affair he would say to himself over and over again
»the woman could not be deceived herself if she could what weakness«
tormenting word which led his imagination a thorny dance and before all
was over playd the duce and all with him for sure as ever the word
weakness was uttered and struck full upon his brain so sure it set him upon
running divisions upon how many kinds of weaknesses there were that there was
such a thing as weakness of the body as well as weakness of the mind and
then he would do nothing but syllogize within himself for a stage or two
together How far the cause of all these vexations might or might not have
arisen out of himself
In short he had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out of
this one affair all fretting successively in his mind as they rose up in it
that my mother whatever was her journey up had but an uneasy journey of it
down In a word as she complained to my uncle Toby he would have tired out
the patience of any flesh alive
Chap XVII
Though my father travelled homewards as I told you in none of the best of
moods pshawing and pishing all the way down yet he had the complaisance to
keep the worst part of the story still to himself which was the resolution he
had taken of doing himself the justice which my uncle Tobys clause in the
marriage settlement empowered him nor was it till the very night in which I was
begot which was thirteen months after that she had the least intimation of his
design when my father happening as you remember to be a little chagrind
and out of temper took occasion as they lay chatting gravely in bed
afterwards talking over what was to come to let her know that she must
accommodate herself as well as she could to the bargain made between them in
their marriage deeds which was to lyein of her next child in the country to
balance the last years journey
My father was a gentleman of many virtues but he had a strong spice of
that in his temper which might or might not add to the number Tis known by
the name of perseverance in a good cause and of obstinacy in a bad one Of
this my mother had so much knowledge that she knew twas to no purpose to make
any remonstrance so she een resolved to sit down quietly and make the most
of it
Chap XVIII
As the point was that night agreed or rather determind that my mother should
lyein of me in the country she took her measures accordingly for which
purpose when she was three days or thereabouts gone with child she began to
cast her eyes upon the midwife whom you have so often heard me mention and
before the week was well got round as the famous Dr Maningham was not to be
had she had come to a final determination in her mind notwithstanding there
was a scientifick operator within so near a call as eight miles of us and who
moreover had expressly wrote a five shillings book upon the subject of
midwifery in which he had exposed not only the blunders of the sisterhood
itself but had likewise superadded many curious improvements for the quicker
extraction of the foetus in cross births and some other cases of danger which
belay us in getting into the world notwithstanding all this my mother I say
was absolutely determined to trust her life and mine with it into no souls
hand but this old womans only Now this I like when we cannot get at the
very thing we wish never to take up with the next best in degree to it
no thats pitiful beyond description it is no more than a week from this
very day in which I am now writing this book for the edification of the world
which is March 9 1759 that my dear dear Jenny observing I lookd a
little grave as she stood cheapening a silk of fiveandtwenty shillings a
yard told the mercer she was sorry she had given him so much trouble and
immediately went and bought herself a yardwide stuff of tenpence a yard
Tis the duplication of one and the same greatness of soul only what lessend
the honour of it somewhat in my mothers case was that she could not heroine
it into so violent and hazardous an extream as one in her situation might have
wishd because the old midwife had really some little claim to be depended
upon as much at least as success could give her having in the course of
her practice of near twenty years in the parish brought every mothers son of
them into the world without any one slip or accident which could fairly be laid
to her account
These facts tho they had their weight yet did not altogether satisfy some
few scruples and uneasinesses which hung upon my fathers spirits in relation to
this choice To say nothing of the natural workings of humanity and justice
or of the yearnings of parental and connubial love all which prompted him to
leave as little to hazard as possible in a case of this kind he felt himself
concernd in a particular manner that all should go right in the present case
from the accumulated sorrow he lay open to should any evil betide his wife
and child in lyingin at ShandyHall He knew the world judged by events and
would add to his afflictions in such a misfortune by loading him with the whole
blame of it »Alas oday had Mrs Shandy poor gentlewoman had but her
wish in going up to town just to lyein and come down again which they say
she beggd and prayd for upon her bare knees and which in my opinion
considering the fortune which Mr Shandy got with her was no such mighty
matter to have complied with the lady and her babe might both of em have been
alive at this hour«
This exclamation my father knew was unanswerable and yet it was not
merely to shelter himself nor was it altogether for the care of his offspring
and wife that he seemed so extremely anxious about this point my father had
extensive views of things and stood moreover as he thought deeply
concernd in it for the publick good from the dread he entertained of the bad
uses an illfated instance might be put to
He was very sensible that all political writers upon the subject had
unanimously agreed and lamented from the beginning of Queen Elizabeths reign
down to his own time that the current of men and money towards the metropolis
upon one frivolous errand or another set in so strong as to become
dangerous to our civil rights tho by the bye a current was not the
image he took most delight in a distemper was here his favourite metaphor
and he would run it down into a perfect allegory by maintaining it was
identically the same in the body national as in the body natural where blood
and spirits were driven up into the head faster than they could find their ways
down a stoppage of circulation must ensue which was death in both cases
There was little danger he would say of losing our liberties by French
politicks or French invasions nor was he so much in pain of a consumption
from the mass of corrupted matter and ulcerated humours in our constitution
which he hoped was not so bad as it was imagined but he verily feared that
in some violent push we should go off all at once in a stateapoplexy and
then he would say The Lord have mercy upon us all
My father was never able to give the history of this distemper without
the remedy along with it
»Was I an absolute prince« he would say pulling up his breeches with both
his hands as he rose from his armchair »I would appoint able judges at every
avenue of my metropolis who should take cognizance of every fools business who
came there and if upon a fair and candid hearing it appeared not of weight
sufficient to leave his own home and come up bag and baggage with his wife
and children farmers sons etc etc at his backside they should be all sent
back from constable to constable like vagrants as they were to the place of
their legal settlements By this means I shall take care that my metropolis
totterd not thro its own weight that the head be no longer too big for the
body that the extreams now wasted and pind in be restored to their due
share of nourishment and regain with it their natural strength and beauty
I would effectually provide That the meadows and cornfields of my dominions
should laugh and sing that good chear and hospitality flourish once more
and that such weight and influence be put thereby into the hands of the
Squirality of my kingdom as should counterpoise what I perceive my Nobility are
now taking from them
Why are there so few palaces and gentlemens seats« he would ask with some
emotion as he walked across the room »throughout so many delicious provinces
in France Whence is it that the few remaining Chateaus amongst them are so
dismantled so unfurnished and in so ruinous and desolate a condition
Because Sir« he would say »in that kingdom no man has any countryinterest
to support the little interest of any kind which any man has any where in
it is concentrated in the court and the looks of the Grand Monarch by the
sunshine of whose countenance or the clouds which pass across it every
French man lives or dies«
Another political reason which prompted my father so strongly to guard
against the least evil accident in my mothers lyingin in the country was
That any such instance would infallibly throw a balance of power too great
already into the weaker vessels of the gentry in his own or higher stations
which with the many other usurped rights which that part of the constitution
was hourly establishing would in the end prove fatal to the monarchical
system of domestick government established in the first creation of things by
God
In this point he was entirely of Sir Robert Filmers opinion That the plans
and institutions of the greatest monarchies in the eastern parts of the world
were originally all stolen from that admirable pattern and prototype of this
household and paternal power which for a century he said and more had
gradually been degenerating away into a mixd government the form of which
however desirable in great combinations of the species was very troublesome
in small ones and seldom produced any thing that he saw but sorrow and
confusion
For all these reasons private and publick put together my father was
for having the manmidwife by all means my mother by no means My father
beggd and intreated she would for once recede from her prerogative in this
matter and suffer him to choose for her my mother on the contrary insisted
upon her privilege in this matter to choose for herself and have no mortals
help but the old womans What could my father do He was almost at his wits
end talked it over with her in all moods placed his arguments in all
lights argued the matter with her like a christian like a heathen like
a husband like a father like a patriot like a man My mother answered
every thing only like a woman which was a little hard upon her for as she
could not assume and fight it out behind such a variety of characters twas
no fair match twas seven to one What could my mother do She had the
advantage otherwise she had been certainly overpowered of a small
reinforcement of chagrine personal at the bottom which bore her up and enabled
her to dispute the affair with my father with so equal an advantage that
both sides sung Te Deum In a word my mother was to have the old woman and
the operator was to have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my father and my
uncle Toby Shandy in the back parlour for which he was to be paid five
guineas
I must beg leave before I finish this chapter to enter a caveat in the
breast of my fair reader and it is this Not to take it absolutely for
granted from an unguarded word or two which I have droppd in it »That I am
a married man« I own the tender appellation of my dear dear Jenny with
some other strokes of conjugal knowledge interspersed here and there might
naturally enough have misled the most candid judge in the world into such a
determination against me All I plead for in this case Madam is strict
justice and that you do so much of it to me as well as to yourself as not
to prejudge or receive such an impression of me till you have better evidence
than I am positive at present can be produced against me Not that I can be
so vain or unreasonable Madam as to desire you should therefore think that my
dear dear Jenny is my kept mistress no that would be flattering my
character in the other extream and giving it an air of freedom which perhaps
it has no kind of right to All I contend for is the utter impossibility for
some volumes that you or the most penetrating spirit upon earth should know
how this matter really stands It is not impossible but that my dear dear
Jenny tender as the appellation is may be my child Consider I was born
in the year eighteen Nor is there any thing unnatural or extravagant in the
supposition that my dear Jenny may be my friend Friend My friend
Surely Madam a friendship between the two sexes may subsist and be supported
without Fy Mr Shandy Without any thing Madam but that tender and
delicious sentiment which ever mixes in friendship where there is a difference
of sex Let me intreat you to study the pure and sentimental parts of the best
French Romances it will really Madam astonish you to see with what a
variety of chaste expression this delicious sentiment which I have the honour
to speak of is dressd out
Chap XIX
I would sooner undertake to explain the hardest problem in Geometry than
pretend to account for it that a gentleman of my fathers great good sense
knowing as the reader must have observed him and curious too in philosophy
wise also in political reasoning and in polemical as he will find no way
ignorant could be capable of entertaining a notion in his head so out of the
common track that I fear the reader when I come to mention it to him if he
is the least of a cholerick temper will immediately throw the book by if
mercurial he will laugh most heartily at it and if he is of a grave and
saturnine cast he will at first sight absolutely condemn as fanciful and
extravagant and that was in respect to the choice and imposition of Christian
names on which he thought a great deal more depended than what superficial
minds were capable of conceiving
His opinion in this matter was That there was a strange kind of magick
bias which good or bad names as he called them irresistibly impressd upon
our characters and conduct
The Hero of Cervantes argued not the point with more seriousness nor had
he more faith or more to say on the powers of Necromancy in dishonouring his
deeds or on DULCINEAS name in shedding lustre upon them than my father had
on those of TRISMEGISTUS or ARCHIMEDES on the one hand or of NYKY and SIMKIN
on the other How many CÆSARS and POMPEYS he would say by mere inspiration of
the names have been renderd worthy of them And how many he would add are
there who might have done exceeding well in the world had not their characters
and spirits been totally depressd and NICODEMUSD into nothing
I see plainly Sir by your looks or as the case happend my father would
say that you do not heartily subscribe to this opinion of mine which to
those he would add who have not carefully sifted it to the bottom I own has
an air more of fancy than of solid reasoning in it and yet my dear Sir if
I may presume to know your character I am morally assured I should hazard
little in stating a case to you not as a party in the dispute but as a
judge and trusting my appeal upon it to your own good sense and candid
disquisition in this matter you are a person free from as many narrow
prejudices of education as most men and if I may presume to penetrate
further into you of a liberality of genius above bearing down an opinion
merely because it wants friends Your son your dear son from whose sweet
and open temper you have so much to expect Your BILLY Sir would you for
the world have called him JUDAS Would you my dear Sir he would say laying
his hand upon your breast with the genteelest address and in that soft and
irresistible piano of voice which the nature of the argumentum ad hominem
absolutely requires Would you Sir if a Jew of a godfather had proposed the
name for your child and offered you his purse along with it would you have
consented to such a desecration of him O my God he would say looking up if
I know your temper right Sir you are incapable of it you would have
trampled upon the offer you would have thrown the temptation at the tempters
head with abhorrence
Your greatness of mind in this action which I admire with that generous
contempt of money which you shew me in the whole transaction is really noble
and what renders it more so is the principle of it the workings of a
parents love upon the truth and conviction of this very hypothesis namely
That was your son called JUDAS the sordid and treacherous idea so
inseparable from the name would have accompanied him thro life like his
shadow and in the end made a miser and a rascal of him in spight Sir of
your example
I never knew a man able to answer this argument But indeed to speak of
my father as he was he was certainly irresistible both in his orations and
disputations he was born an orator Teodidaktos Persuasion hung upon his
lips and the elements of Logick and Rhetorick were so blended up in him and
withall he had so shrewd a guess at the weaknesses and passions of his
respondent that NATURE might have stood up and said »This man is
eloquent« In short whether he was on the weak or the strong side of the
question twas hazardous in either case to attack him And yet tis strange
he had never read Cicero nor Quintilian de Oratore nor Isocrates nor
Aristotle nor Longinus amongst the antients nor Vossius nor Skioppius nor
Ramus nor Farnaby amongst the moderns and what is more astonishing he had
never in his whole life the least light or spark of subtilty struck into his
mind by one single lecture upon Crackenthorp or Burgersdicius or any Dutch
logician or commentator he knew not so much as in what the difference of an
argument ad ignorantiam and an argument ad hominem consisted so that I well
remember when he went up along with me to enter my name at Jesus College in
it was a matter of just wonder with my worthy tutor and two or three
fellows of that learned society that a man who knew not so much as the names
of his tools should be able to work after that fashion with em
To work with them in the best manner he could was what my father was
however perpetually forced upon for he had a thousand little sceptical
notions of the comick kind to defend most of which notions I verily
believe at first enterd upon the footing of mere whims and of a vive la
Bagatelle and as such he would make merry with them for half an hour or so and
having sharpend his wit upon em dismiss them till another day
I mention this not only as matter of hypothesis or conjecture upon the
progress and establishment of my fathers many odd opinions but as a warning
to the learned reader against the indiscreet reception of such guests who
after a free and undisturbed enterance for some years into our brains at
length claim a kind of settlement there working sometimes like yeast but
more generally after the manner of the gentle passion beginning in jest but
ending in downright earnest
Whether this was the case of the singularity of my fathers notions or
that his judgment at length became the dupe of his wit or how far in many
of his notions he might tho odd be absolutely right the reader as he
comes at them shall decide All that I maintain here is that in this one of
the influence of Christian names however it gaind footing he was serious
he was all uniformity he was systematical and like all systematick
reasoners he would move both heaven and earth and twist and torture every
thing in nature to support his hypothesis In a word I repeat it over again
he was serious and in consequence of it he would lose all kind of patience
whenever he saw people especially of condition who should have known better
as careless and as indifferent about the name they imposed upon their child
or more so than in the choice of Ponto or Cupid for their puppydog
This he would say lookd ill and had moreover this particular
aggravation in it viz That when once a vile name was wrongfully or
injudiciously given twas not like the case of a mans character which when
wrongd might hereafter be cleard and possibly sometime or other if not
in the mans life at least after his death be somehow or other set to
rights with the world But the injury of this he would say could never be
undone nay he doubted even whether an act of parliament could reach it
He knew as well as you that the legislature assumd a power over surnames
but for very strong reasons which he could give it had never yet adventured
he would say to go a step further
It was observable that tho my father in consequence of this opinion had
as I have told you the strongest likings and dislikings towards certain names
that there were still numbers of names which hung so equally in the balance
before him that they were absolutely indifferent to him Jack Dick and Tom
were of this class These my father calld neutral names affirming of them
without a satyr That there had been as many knaves and fools at least as wise
and good men since the world began who had indifferently borne them so
that like equal forces acting against each other in contrary directions he
thought they mutually destroyed each others effects for which reason he would
often declare He would not give a cherrystone to choose amongst them Bob
which was my brothers name was another of these neutral kinds of Christian
names which operated very little either way and as my father happend to be at
Epsom when it was given him he would oft times thank heaven it was no worse
Andrew was something like a negative quantity in Algebra with him twas
worse he said than nothing William stood pretty high Numps again was low
with him and Nick he said was the DEVIL
But of all the names in the universe he had the most unconquerable
aversion for TRISTRAM he had the lowest and most contemptible opinion of it
of any thing in the world thinking it could possibly produce nothing in rerum
naturâ but what was extreamly mean and pitiful So that in the midst of a
dispute on the subject in which by the bye he was frequently involved he
would sometimes break off in a sudden and spirited EPIPHONEMA or rather
EROTESIS raised a third and sometimes a full fifth above the key of the
discourse and demand it categorically of his antagonist Whether he would
take upon him to say he had ever rememberd whether he had ever read or
even whether he had ever heard tell of a man calld Tristram performing any
thing great or worth recording No he would say TRISTRAM The thing is
impossible
What could be wanting in my father but to have wrote a book to publish this
notion of his to the world Little boots it to the subtle speculatist to stand
single in his opinions unless he gives them proper vent It was the
identical thing which my father did for in the year sixteen which was two
years before I was born he was at the pains of writing an express DISSERTATION
simply upon the word Tristram shewing the world with great candour and
modesty the grounds of his great abhorrence to the name
When this story is compared with the titlepage Will not the gentle
reader pity my father from his soul to see an orderly and welldisposed
gentleman who tho singular yet inoffensive in his notions so played upon
in them by cross purposes to look down upon the stage and see him baffled
and overthrown in all his little systems and wishes to behold a train of events
perpetually falling out against him and in so critical and cruel a way as if
they had purposedly been plannd and pointed against him merely to insult his
speculations In a word to behold such a one in his old age illfitted for
troubles ten times in a day suffering sorrow ten times in a day calling the
child of his prayers TRISTRAM Melancholy dissyllable of sound which to his
ears was unison to Nicompoop and every name vituperative under heaven By
his ashes I swear it if ever malignant spirit took pleasure or busied
itself by traversing the purposes of mortal man it must have been here and
if it was not necessary I should be born before I was christened I would this
moment give the reader an account of it
Chap XX
How could you Madam be so inattentive in reading the last chapter I told
you in it That my mother was not a papist Papist You told me no such
thing Sir Madam I beg leave to repeat it over again That I told you as
plain at least as words by direct inference could tell you such a thing
Then Sir I must have missd a page No Madam you have not missd a word
Then I was asleep Sir My pride Madam cannot allow you that refuge
Then I declare I know nothing at all about the matter That Madam is the
very fault I lay to your charge and as a punishment for it I do insist upon
it that you immediately turn back that is as soon as you get to the next full
stop and read the whole chapter over again
I have imposed this penance upon the lady neither out of wantonness or
cruelty but from the best of motives and therefore shall make her no apology
for it when she returns back Tis to rebuke a vicious taste which has crept
into thousands besides herself of reading straight forwards more in quest of
the adventures than of the deep erudition and knowledge which a book of this
cast if read over as it should be would infallibly impart with them The
mind should be accustomed to make wise reflections and draw curious conclusions
as it goes along the habitude of which made Pliny the younger affirm »That he
never read a book so bad but he drew some profit from it« The stories of
Greece and Rome run over without this turn and application do less service
I affirm it than the history of Parismus and Parismenus or of the Seven
Champions of England read with it
But here comes my fair Lady Have you read over again the chapter Madam
as I desired you You have And did you not observe the passage upon the
second reading which admits the inference Not a word like it Then Madam
be pleased to ponder well the last line but one of the chapter where I take
upon me to say »It was necessary I should be born before I was christend« Had
my mother Madam been a Papist that consequence did not follow1
It is a terrible misfortune for this same book of mine but more so to the
Republick of Letters so that my own is quite swallowed up in the
consideration of it that this selfsame vile pruriency for fresh adventures
in all things has got so strongly into our habit and humours and so wholly
intent are we upon satisfying the impatience of our concupiscence that way
that nothing but the gross and more carnal parts of a composition will go down
The subtle hints and sly communications of science fly off like spirits
upwards the heavy moral escapes downwards and both the one and the other
are as much lost to the world as if they were still left in the bottom of the
inkhorn
I wish the malereader has not passd by many a one as quaint and curious
as this one in which the femalereader has been detected I wish it may have
its effects and that all good people both male and female from her example
may be taught to think as well as read
Memoire presenté à Messieurs les Docteurs de Sorbonne2
Un Chirurgien Accoucheur represente à Messieurs les Docteurs de Sorbonne quil
y a des cas quoique trés rares où une mere ne sçauroit accoucher amp même
où lenfant est tellement renfermé dans le sein de sa mere quil ne fait
paroître aucune partie de son corps ce qui seroit un cas suivant les Rituels
de lui conférer du moins sous condition le baptême Le Chirurgien qui
consulte prétend par le moyen dune petite canulle de pouvoir baptiser
immediatement lenfant sans faire aucun tort à la mere Il demand si ce
moyen quil vient de proposer est permis amp légitime amp sil peut sen
servir dans le cas quil vient d exposer
Reponse
Le Conseil estime que la question proposée souffre de grandes difficultés Les
Théologiens posent dun coté pour principe que le baptême qui est une
naissance spirituelle suppose une premiere naissance il faut être né dans le
monde pour renaître en Jesus Christ comme ils lenseignent S Thomas 3 part
quæst 88 artic 11 suit cette doctrine comme une verité constante lon ne
peut dit ce S Docteur baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le fein de
leurs Meres amp S Thomas est fondé sur ce que les enfans ne sont point nés
amp ne peuvent être comptés parmi les autres hommes doù il conclud quils
ne peuvent être lobject dune action extérieure pour recevoir par leur
ministére les sacremens nécessaires au salut Pueri in maternis uteris
existentes nondum prodierunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant unde
non possunt subjici actioni humanæ ut per eorum ministerium sacramenta
recipiant ad salutem Les rituels ordonnent dans la pratique ce que les
théologiens ont établi sur les mêmes matiéres amp ils deffendent tous dune
maniére uniforme de baptiser les enfans qui sont renfermés dans le sein de
leurs meres sils ne font paroître quelque partie de leurs corps Le concours
des théologiens amp des rituels qui sont les régles des diocéses paroît
former une autorité qui termine la question presente cependant le conseil de
conscience considerant dun coté que le raisonnement des théologiens est
uniquement fondé sur une raison de convenance amp que la deffense des
rituels suppose que lon ne peut baptiser immediatement les enfans ainsi
renfermés dans le sein de leurs meres ce qui est contre la supposition
presente amp dun autre côté considerant que les mêmes théologiens
enseignent que lon peut risquer les sacremens que Jesus Christ a établis comme
des moyens faciles mais nécessaires pour sanctifier les hommes amp
dailleurs estimant que les enfans renfermés dans le sein de leurs meres
pourroient être capables de salut parce quils sont capables de damnation
pour ces considerations amp en égard à lexposé suivant lequel on assure
avoir trouvé un moyen certain de baptiser ces enfans ainsi renfermés sans faire
aucun tort à la mere le Conseil estime que lon pourroit se servir du moyen
proposé dans la confiance quil a que Dieu na point laissé ces sortes
denfans sans aucuns secours amp supposant comme il est exposé que le moyen
dont il sagit est propre à leur procurer le baptême cependant comme il
sagiroit en autorisant la pratique proposée de changer une regle
universellement établie le Conseil croit que celui qui consulte doit
saddresser à son évêque amp à qui il appartient de juger de lutilité amp
du danger du moyen proposé amp comme sous le bon plaisir de levêque le
conseil estime quil faudroit recourir au Pape qui a le droit dexpliquer les
régles de leglise amp dy déroger dans le cas ou la loi ne sçauroit
obliger quelque sage amp quelque utile que paroisse la maniére de baptiser
dont il sagit le conseil ne pourroit lapprouver sans le concours de ces deux
autorités On conseille au moins à celui qui consulte de saddresser à son
evêque amp de lui faire part de la presente décision afin que si le prélat
entre dans les raisons sur lesquelles les docteurs soussignés sappuyent il
puisse étre autorisé dans le cas de nécessité ou il risqueroit trop dattendre
que la permission fût demandée amp accordée demployer le moyen quil propose
si avantaguex au salut de lenfant Au reste le conseil en estimant que lon
pourroit sen servir croit cependant que si les enfans dont il sagit
venoient au monde contre lesperance de ceux qui se seroient servis du même
moyen il seroit nécessaire de les baptiser sous condition amp en cela le
conseil se conforme a tous les rituels qui en autorisant le baptême dun enfant
qui fait paroître quelque partie de son corps enjoignent néanmoins amp
ordonnent de le baptiser sous condition sil vient heureusement au monde
Déliberé en Sorbonne le 10 Avril 1733
A LE MOYNE
L DE ROMIGNY
DE MARCILLY
Mr Tristram Shandys compliments to Messrs Le Moyne De Romigny and De
Marcilly hopes they all rested well the night after so tiresome a consultation
He begs to know whether after the ceremony of marriage and before that of
consummation the baptizing all the HOMUNCULI at once slapdash by injection
would not be a shorter and safer cut still on condition as above That if the
HOMUNCULI do well and come safe into the world after this that each and every
of them shall be baptized again sous condition And provided in the second
place That the thing can be done which Mr Shandy apprehends it may par le
moyen dune petite canulle and sans faire aucun tort au pere
Chap XXI
I wonder whats all that noise and running backwards and forwards for above
stairs quoth my father addressing himself after an hour and a halfs silence
to my uncle Toby who you must know was sitting on the opposite side of the
fire smoking his social pipe all the time in mute contemplation of a new pair
of blackplushbreeches which he had got on What can they be doing brother
quoth my father we can scarce hear ourselves talk
I think replied my uncle Toby taking his pipe from his mouth and striking
the head of it two or three times upon the nail of his left thumb as he began
his sentence I think says he But to enter rightly into my uncle Tobys
sentiments upon this matter you must be made to enter first a little into his
character the outlines of which I shall just give you and then the dialogue
between him and my father will go on as well again
Pray what was that mans name for I write in such a hurry I have no
time to recollect or look for it who first made the observation »That there
was great inconstancy in our air and climate« Whoever he was twas a just and
good observation in him But the corollary drawn from it namely »That it is
this which has furnished us with such a variety of odd and whimsical
characters« that was not his it was found out by another man at least a
century and a half after him Then again that this copious storehouse of
original materials is the true and natural cause that our Comedies are so much
better than those of France or any others that either have or can be wrote
upon the Continent that discovery was not fully made till about the middle
of king Williams reign when the great Dryden in writing one of his long
prefaces if I mistake not most fortunately hit upon it Indeed towards the
latter end of queen Anne the great Addison began to patronize the notion and
more fully explained it to the world in one or two of his Spectators but the
discovery was not his Then fourthly and lastly that this strange
irregularity in our climate producing so strange an irregularity in our
characters doth thereby in some sort make us amends by giving us somewhat
to make us merry with when the weather will not suffer us to go out of doors
that observation is my own and was struck out by me this very rainy day
March 26 1759 and betwixt the hours of nine and ten in the morning
Thus thus my fellow labourers and associates in this great harvest of our
learning now ripening before our eyes thus it is by slow steps of casual
increase that our knowledge physical metaphysical physiological polemical
nautical mathematical ænigmatical technical biographical romantical
chemical and obstetrical with fifty other branches of it most of em ending
as these do in ical have for these two last centuries and more gradually
been creeping upwards towards that AAkmh of their perfections from which if we
may form a conjecture from the advances of these last seven years we cannot
possibly be far off
When that happens it is to be hoped it will put an end to all kind of
writings whatsoever the want of all kind of writing will put an end to all
kind of reading and that in time As war begets poverty poverty peace
must in course put an end to all kind of knowledge and then we shall have
all to begin over again or, in other words, be exactly where we started
Happy thrice happy Times I only wish that the æra of my begetting as
well as the mode and manner of it had been a little alterd or that it could
have been put off with any convenience to my father or mother for some twenty
or fiveandtwenty years longer when a man in the literary world might have
stood some chance
But I forget my uncle Toby whom all this while we have left knocking the
ashes out of his tobacco pipe
His humour was of that particular species which does honour to our
atmosphere and I should have made no scruple of ranking him amongst one of the
firstrate productions of it had not there appeard too many strong lines in it
of a familylikeness which shewed that he derived the singularity of his temper
more from blood than either wind or water or any modifications or combinations
of them whatever And I have therefore oft times wondered that my father
tho I believe he had his reasons for it upon his observing some tokens of
excentricity in my course when I was a boy should never once endeavour to
account for them in this way for all the SHANDY FAMILY were of an original
character throughout I mean the males the females had no character at
all except indeed my great aunt DINAH who about sixty years ago was
married and got with child by the coachman for which my father according to
his hypothesis of Christian names would often say She might thank her
godfathers and godmothers
It will seem very strange and I would as soon think of dropping a riddle
in the readers way which is not my interest to do as set him upon guessing
how it could come to pass that an event of this kind so many years after it
had happened should be reserved for the interruption of the peace and unity
which otherwise so cordially subsisted between my father and my uncle Toby One
would have thought that the whole force of the misfortune should have spent and
wasted itself in the family at first as is generally the case But nothing
ever wrought with our family after the ordinary way Possibly at the very time
this happened it might have something else to afflict it and as afflictions
are sent down for our good and that as this had never done the SHANDY FAMILY
any good at all it might lye waiting till apt times and circumstances should
give it an opportunity to discharge its office Observe I determine nothing
upon this My way is ever to point out to the curious different tracts of
investigation to come at the first springs of the events I tell not with a
pedantic Fescue or in the decisive Manner of Tacitus who outwits himself and
his reader but with the officious humility of a heart devoted to the
assistance merely of the inquisitive to them I write and by them I shall
be read if any such reading as this could be supposed to hold out so long
to the very end of the world
Why this cause of sorrow therefore was thus reserved for my father and
uncle is undetermined by me But how and in what direction it exerted itself
so as to become the cause of dissatisfaction between them after it began to
operate is what I am able to explain with great exactness and is as follows
My uncle TOBY SHANDY Madam was a gentleman who with the virtues which
usually constitute the character of a man of honour and rectitude possessed
one in a very eminent degree which is seldom or never put into the catalogue
and that was a most extream and unparalleld modesty of nature tho I
correct the word nature for this reason that I may not prejudge a point which
must shortly come to a hearing and that is Whether this modesty of his was
natural or acquird Which ever way my uncle Toby came by it twas
nevertheless modesty in the truest sense of it and that is Madam not in
regard to words for he was so unhappy as to have very little choice in them
but to things and this kind of modesty so possessd him and it arose to
such a height in him as almost to equal if such a thing could be even the
modesty of a woman That female nicety Madam and inward cleanliness of mind
and fancy in your sex which makes you so much the awe of ours
You will imagine Madam that my uncle Toby had contracted all this from
this very source that he had spent a great part of his time in converse with
your sex and that from a thorough knowledge of you and the force of imitation
which such fair examples render irresistible he had acquired this amiable
turn of mind
I wish I could say so for unless it was with his sisterinlaw my
fathers wife and my mother my uncle Toby scarce exchanged three words with
the sex in as many years no he got it Madam by a blow A blow Yes
Madam it was owing to a blow from a stone broke off by a ball from the parapet
of a hornwork at the siege of Namur which struck full upon my uncle Tobys
groin Which way could that effect it The story of that Madam is long and
interesting but it would be running my history all upon heaps to give it you
here Tis for an episode hereafter and every circumstance relating to it in
its proper place shall be faithfully laid before you Till then it is not
in my power to give further light into this matter or to say more than what I
have said already That my uncle Toby was a gentleman of unparalleld
modesty which happening to be somewhat subtilized and rarified by the constant
heat of a little familypride they both so wrought together within him that
he could never bear to hear the affair of my aunt DINAH touchd upon but with
the greatest emotion The least hint of it was enough to make the blood fly
into his face but when my father enlarged upon the story in mixed companies
which the illustration of his hypothesis frequently obliged him to do the
unfortunate blight of one of the fairest branches of the family would set my
uncle Tobys honour and modesty obleeding and he would often take my father
aside in the greatest concern imaginable to expostulate and tell him he would
give him any thing in the world only to let the story rest
My father I believe had the truest love and tenderness for my uncle Toby
that ever one brother bore towards another and would have done any thing in
nature which one brother in reason could have desird of another to have made
my uncle Tobys heart easy in this or any other point But this lay out of his
power
My father as I told you was a philosopher in grain speculative
systematical and my aunt Dinahs affair was a matter of as much consequence
to him as the retrogradation of the planets to Copernicus The backslidings
of Venus in her orbit fortified the Copernican system calld so after his name
and the backslidings of my aunt Dinah in her orbit did the same service in
establishing my fathers system which I trust will for ever hereafter be
calld the Shandean System after his
In any other family dishonour my father I believe had as nice a sense of
shame as any man whatever and neither he nor I dare say Copernicus would
have divulged the affair in either case or have taken the least notice of it to
the world but for the obligations they owed as they thought to truth
Amicus Plato my father would say construing the words to my uncle Toby as he
went along Amicus Plato that is DINAH was my aunt sed magis amica veritas
but TRUTH is my sister
This contrariety of humours betwixt my father and my uncle was the source
of many a fraternal squabble The one could not bear to hear the tale of family
disgrace recorded and the other would scarce ever let a day pass to an end
without some hint at it
For Gods sake my uncle Toby would cry and for my sake and for all our
sakes my dear brother Shandy do let this story of our aunts and her ashes
sleep in peace how can you how can you have so little feeling and
compassion for the character of our family What is the character of a family
to an hypothesis my father would reply Nay if you come to that what is
the life of a family The life of a family my uncle Toby would say
throwing himself back in his armchair and lifting up his hands his eyes and
one leg Yes the life my father would say maintaining his point How
many thousands of em are there every year that come cast away in all
civilized countries at least and considerd as nothing but common air in
competition of an hypothesis In my plain sense of things my uncle Toby would
answer every such instance is downright MURDER let who will commit it
There lies your mistake my father would reply for in Foro Scientiæ there
is no such thing as MURDER tis only DEATH brother
My uncle Toby would never offer to answer this by any other kind of
argument than that of whistling half a dozen bars of Lillabullero You must
know it was the usual channel thro which his passions got vent when any thing
shocked or surprised him but especially when any thing which he deemd very
absurd was offerd
As not one of our logical writers nor any of the commentators upon them
that I remember have thought proper to give a name to this particular species
of argument I here take the liberty to do it myself for two reasons First
That in order to prevent all confusion in disputes it may stand as much
distinguished for ever from every other species of argument as the
Argumentum ad Verecundiam ex Absurdo ex Fortiori or any other argument
whatsoever And secondly That it may be said by my childrens children when
my head is laid to rest that their learnd grandfathers head had been
busied to as much purpose once as other peoples That he had invented a
name and generously thrown it into the TREASURY of the Ars Logica for one of
the most unanswerable arguments in the whole science And if the end of
disputation is more to silence than convince they may add if they please to
one of the best arguments too
I do therefore by these presents strictly order and command That it be
known and distinguished by the name and title of the Argumentum Fistulatorium
and no other and that it rank hereafter with the Argumentum Baculinum and
the Argumentum ad Crumenam and for ever hereafter be treated of in the same
chapter
As for the Argumentum Tripodium which is never used but by the woman
against the man and the Argumentum ad Rem which contrarywise is made use
of by the man only against the woman As these two are enough in conscience
for one lecture and moreover as the one is the best answer to the other
let them likewise be kept apart and be treated of in a place by themselves
Chap XXII
The learned Bishop Hall I mean the famous Dr Joseph Hall who was Bishop of
Exeter in King James the firsts reign tells us in one of his Decads at the
end of his divine art of meditation imprinted at London in the year 1610 by
John Beal dwelling in Aldergatestreet »That it is an abominable thing for a
man to commend himself« and I really think it is so
And yet on the other hand when a thing is executed in a masterly kind of a
fashion which thing is not likely to be found out I think it is full as
abominable that a man should lose the honour of it and go out of the world
with the conceit of it rotting in his head
This is precisely my situation
For in this long digression which I was accidentally led into as in all my
digressions one only excepted there is a masterstroke of digressive skill
the merit of which has all along I fear been overlooked by my reader not for
want of penetration in him but because tis an excellence seldom looked for
or expected indeed in a digression and it is this That tho my digressions
are all fair as you observe and that I fly off from what I am about as far
and as often too as any writer in GreatBritain yet I constantly take care to
order affairs so that my main business does not stand still in my absence
I was just going for example to have given you the great outlines of my
uncle Tobys most whimsical character when my aunt Dinah and the coachman
came across us and led us a vagary some millions of miles into the very heart
of the planetary system Notwithstanding all this you perceive that the drawing
of my uncle Tobys character went on gently all the time not the great
contours of it that was impossible but some familiar strokes and faint
designations of it were here and there touchd in as we went along so that
you are much better acquainted with my uncle Toby now than you was before
By this contrivance the machinery of my work is of a species by itself two
contrary motions are introduced into it and reconciled which were thought to
be at variance with each other In a word my work is digressive and it is
progressive too and at the same time
This Sir is a very different story from that of the earths moving round
her axis in her diurnal rotation with her progress in her elliptick orbit
which brings about the year and constitutes that variety and vicissitude of
seasons we enjoy though I own it suggested the thought as I believe the
greatest of our boasted improvements and discoveries have come from some such
trifling hints
Digressions incontestably are the sunshine they are the life the soul
of reading take them out of this book for instance you might as well take
the book along with them one cold eternal winter would reign in every page of
it restore them to the writer he steps forth like a bridegroom bids All
hail brings in variety and forbids the appetite to fail
All the dexterity is in the good cookery and management of them so as to be
not only for the advantage of the reader but also of the author whose
distress in this matter is truly pitiable For if he begins a digression
from that moment I observe his whole work stands stockstill and if he
goes on with his main work then there is an end of his digression
This is vile work For which reason from the beginning of this you
see I have constructed the main work and the adventitious parts of it with such
intersections and have so complicated and involved the digressive and
progressive movements one wheel within another that the whole machine in
general has been kept agoing and whats more it shall be kept agoing
these forty years if it pleases the fountain of health to bless me so long with
life and good spirits
Chap XXIII
I have a strong propensity in me to begin this chapter very nonsensically and I
will not balk my fancy Accordingly I set off thus
If the fixture of Momuss glass in the human breast according to the
proposed emendation of that archcritick had taken place first This
foolish consequence would certainly have followed That the very wisest and
the very gravest of us all in one coin or other must have paid windowmoney
every day of our lives
And secondly That had the said glass been there set up nothing more would
have been wanting in order to have taken a mans character but to have taken a
chair and gone softly as you would to a dioptrical beehive and lookd in
viewd the soul stark naked observd all her motions her machinations
traced all her maggots from their first engendering to their crawling forth
watched her loose in her frisks her gambols her capricios and after some
notice of her more solemn deportment consequent upon such frisks etc then
taken your pen and ink and set down nothing but what you had seen and could
have sworn to But this is an advantage not to be had by the biographer in
this planet in the planet Mercury belike it may be so if not better still
for him for there the intense heat of the country which is proved by
computators from its vicinity to the sun to be more than equal to that of red
hot iron must I think long ago have vitrified the bodies of the
inhabitants as the efficient cause to suit them for the climate which is the
final cause so that betwixt them both all the tenements of their souls from
top to bottom may be nothing else for aught the soundest philosophy can shew
to the contrary but one fine transparent body of clear glass bating the
umbilical knot so that till the inhabitants grow old and tolerably
wrinkled whereby the rays of light in passing through them become so
monstrously refracted or return reflected from their surfaces in such
transverse lines to the eye that a man cannot be seen thro his soul might
as well unless for more ceremony or the trifling advantage which the
umbilical point gave her might upon all other accounts I say as well play
the fool out odoors as in her own house
But this as I said above is not the case of the inhabitants of this earth
our minds shine not through the body but are wrapt up here in a dark covering
of uncrystalized flesh and blood so that if we would come to the specifick
characters of them we must go some other way to work
Many in good truth are the ways which human wit has been forced to take to
do this thing with exactness
Some for instance draw all their characters with wind instruments
Virgil takes notice of that way in the affair of Dido and Æneas but it is as
fallacious as the breath of fame and moreover bespeaks a narrow genius I
am not ignorant that the Italians pretend to a mathematical exactness in their
designations of one particular sort of character among them from the forte or
piano of a certain wind instrument they use which they say is infallible I
dare not mention the name of the instrument in this place tis sufficient we
have it amongst us but never think of making a drawing by it this is
ænigmatical and intended to be so at least ad populum And therefore I beg
Madam when you come here that you read on as fast as you can and never stop
to make any inquiry about it
There are others again who will draw a mans character from no other helps
in the world but merely from his evacuations but this often gives a very
incorrect outline unless indeed you take a sketch of his repletions too
and by correcting one drawing from the other compound one good figure out of
them both
I should have no objection to this method but that I think it must smell
too strong of the lamp and be renderd still more operose by forcing you to
have an eye to the rest of his NonNaturals Why the most natural actions of
a mans life should be calld his NonNaturals is another question
There are others fourthly who disdain every one of these expedients not
from any fertility of his own but from the various ways of doing it which they
have borrowed from the honourable devices which the Pentagraphic Brethren3 of
the brush have shewn in taking copies These you must know are your great
historians
One of these you will see drawing a fulllength character against the light
thats illiberal dishonest and hard upon the character of the man who
sits
Others to mend the matter will make a drawing of you in the Camera that
is most unfair of all because there you are sure to be represented in some
of your most ridiculous attitudes
To avoid all and every one of these errors in giving you my uncle Tobys
character I am determined to draw it by no mechanical help whatever nor
shall my pencil be guided by any one wind instrument which ever was blown upon
either on this or on the other side of the Alps nor will I consider either
his repletions or his discharges or touch upon his Non but in a word I
will draw my uncle Tobys character from his HOBBYHORSE
Chap XXIV
If I was not morally sure that the reader must be out of all patience for my
uncle Tobys character I would here previously have convinced him that
there is no instrument so fit to draw such a thing with as that which I have
pitchd upon
A man and his HOBBYHORSE tho I cannot say that they act and react
exactly after the same manner in which the soul and body do upon each other Yet
doubtless there is a communication between them of some kind and my opinion
rather is that there is something in it more of the manner of electrified
bodies and that by means of the heated parts of the rider which come
immediately into contact with the back of the HOBBYHORSE By long journies
and much friction it so happens that the body of the rider is at length filld
as full of HOBBYHORSICAL matter as it can hold so that if you are able to
give but a clear description of the nature of the one you may form a pretty
exact notion of the genius and character of the other
Now the HOBBYHORSE which my uncle Toby always rode upon was in my
opinion an HOBBYHORSE well worth giving a description of if it was only upon
the score of his great singularity for you might have travelled from York to
Dover from Dover to Penzance in Cornwall and from Penzance to York back
again and not have seen such another upon the road or if you had seen such a
one whatever haste you had been in you must infallibly have stoppd to have
taken a view of him Indeed the gait and figure of him was so strange and so
utterly unlike was he from his head to his tail to any one of the whole
species that it was now and then made a matter of dispute whether he was
really a HOBBYHORSE or no But as the Philosopher would use no other argument
to the sceptic who disputed with him against the reality of motion save that
of rising up upon his legs and walking across the room so would my uncle
Toby use no other argument to prove his HOBBYHORSE was a HOBBYHORSE indeed
but by getting upon his back and riding him about leaving the world after
that to determine the point as it thought fit
In good truth my uncle Toby mounted him with so much pleasure and he
carried my uncle Toby so well that he troubled his head very little with
what the world either said or thought about it
It is now high time however that I give you a description of him But to
go on regularly I only beg you will give me leave to acquaint you first how my
uncle Toby came by him
Chap XXV
The wound in my uncle Tobys groin which he received at the siege of Namur
rendering him unfit for the service it was thought expedient he should return
to England in order if possible to be set to rights
He was four years totally confined part of it to his bed and all of it
to his room and in the course of his cure which was all that time in hand
sufferd unspeakable miseries owing to a succession of exfoliations from the
os pubis and the outward edge of that part of the coxendix called the os
illeum both which bones were dismally crushd as much by the irregularity
of the stone which I told you was broke off the parapet as by its size
though it was pretty large which inclined the surgeon all along to think that
the great injury which it had done my uncle Tobys groin was more owing to the
gravity of the stone itself than to the projectile force of it which he
would often tell him was a great happiness
My father at that time was just beginning business in London and had taken
a house and as the truest friendship and cordiality subsisted between the two
brothers and that my father thought my uncle Toby could no where be so well
nursed and taken care of as in his own house he assignd him the very best
apartment in it And what was a much more sincere mark of his affection still
he would never suffer a friend or an acquaintance to step into the house on any
occasion but he would take him by the hand and lead him up stairs to see his
brother Toby and chat an hour by his bed side
The history of a soldiers wound beguiles the pain of it my uncles
visitors at least thought so and in their daily calls upon him from the
courtesy arising out of that belief they would frequently turn the discourse to
that subject and from that subject the discourse would generally roll on to
the siege itself
These conversations were infinitely kind and my uncle Toby received great
relief from them and would have received much more but that they brought him
into some unforeseen perplexities which for three months together retarded
his cure greatly and if he had not hit upon an expedient to extricate himself
out of them I verily believe they would have laid him in his grave
What these perplexities of my uncle Toby were tis impossible for you to
guess if you could I should blush not as a relation not as a man
nor even as a woman but I should blush as an author inasmuch as I set no
small store by myself upon this very account that my reader has never yet been
able to guess at any thing And in this Sir I am of so nice and singular a
humour that if I thought you was able to form the least judgment or probable
conjecture to yourself of what was to come in the next page I would tear it
out of my book
End of the First Volume
Volume II
Chap I
I have begun a new book on purpose that I might have room enough to explain the
nature of the perplexities in which my uncle Toby was involved from the many
discourses and interrogations about the siege of Namur where he received his
wound
I must remind the reader in case he has read the history of King Williams
wars but if he has not I then inform him that one of the most memorable
attacks in that siege was that which was made by the English and Dutch upon the
point of the advanced counterscarp before the gate of St Nicolas which
inclosed the great sluice or waterstop where the English were terribly exposed
to the shot of the counterguard and demibastion of St Roch The issue of
which hot dispute in three words was this That the Dutch lodged themselves
upon the counterguard and that the English made themselves masters of the
covered way before St Nicolass gate notwithstanding the gallantry of the
French officers who exposed themselves upon the glacis sword in hand
As this was the principal attack of which my uncle Toby was an eyewitness
at Namur the army of the besiegers being cut off by the confluence of the
Maes and Sambre from seeing much of each others operations my uncle Toby was
generally more eloquent and particular in his account of it and the many
perplexities he was in arose out of the almost insurmountable difficulties he
found in telling his story intelligibly and giving such clear ideas of the
differences and distinctions between the scarp and counterscarp the glacis
and covered way the halfmoon and ravelin as to make his company fully
comprehend where and what he was about
Writers themselves are too apt to confound these terms so that you will
the less wonder if in his endeavours to explain them and in opposition to many
misconceptions that my uncle Toby did oft times puzzle his visitors and
sometimes himself too
To speak the truth unless the company my father led up stairs were
tolerably clearheaded or my uncle Toby was in one of his best explanatory
moods twas a difficult thing do what he could to keep the discourse free
from obscurity
What rendered the account of this affair the more intricate to my uncle
Toby was this that in the attack of the counterscarp before the gate of St
Nicolas extending itself from the bank of the Maes quite up to the great
waterstop the ground was cut and crosscut with such a multitude of dykes
drains rivulets and sluices on all sides and he would get so sadly
bewilderd and set fast amongst them that frequently he could neither get
backwards or forwards to save his life and was oft times obliged to give up the
attack upon that very account only
These perplexing rebuffs gave my uncle Toby Shandy more perturbations than
you would imagine and as my fathers kindness to him was continually dragging
up fresh friends and fresh inquirers he had but a very uneasy task of it
No doubt my uncle Toby had great command of himself and could guard
appearances I believe as well as most men yet any one may imagine that
when he could not retreat out of the ravelin without getting into the halfmoon
or get out of the covered way without falling down the counterscarp nor cross
the dyke without danger of slipping into the ditch but that he must have
fretted and fumed inwardly He did so and these little and hourly
vexations which may seem trifling and of no account to the man who has not read
Hippocrates yet whoever has read Hippocrates or Dr James Mackenzie and has
considered well the effects which the passions and affections of the mind have
upon the digestion Why not of a wound as well as of a dinner may easily
conceive what sharp paroxisms and exacerbations of his wound my uncle Toby must
have undergone upon that score only
My uncle Toby could not philosophize upon it twas enough he felt it
was so and having sustained the pain and sorrows of it for three months
together he was resolved some way or other to extricate himself
He was one morning lying upon his back in his bed the anguish and nature of
the wound upon his groin suffering him to lye in no other position when a
thought came into his head that if he could purchase such a thing and have it
pasted down upon a board as a large map of the fortifications of the town and
citadel of Namur with its environs it might be a means of giving him ease I
take notice of his desire to have the environs along with the town and citadel
for this reason because my uncle Tobys wound was got in one of the
traverses about thirty toises from the returning angle of the trench opposite
to the salient angle of the demibastion of St Roch so that he was pretty
confident he could stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where he was
standing in when the stone struck him
All this succeeded to his wishes and not only freed him from a world of sad
explanations but in the end it provd the happy means as you will read of
procuring my uncle Toby his HOBBYHORSE
Chap II
There is nothing so foolish when you are at the expence of making an
entertainment of this kind as to order things so badly as to let your criticks
and gentry of refined taste run it down Nor is there any thing so likely to
make them do it as that of leaving them out of the party or what is full as
offensive of bestowing your attention upon the rest of your guests in so
particular a way as if there was no such thing as a critick by occupation at
table
I guard against both for in the first place I have left half a dozen
places purposely open for them and in the next place I pay them all court
Gentlemen I kiss your hands I protest no company could give me half the
pleasure by my soul I am glad to see you I beg only you will make no
strangers of yourselves but sit down without any ceremony and fall on
heartily
I said I had left six places and I was upon the point of carrying my
complaisance so far as to have left a seventh open for them and in this very
spot I stand on but being told by a critick tho not by occupation but
by nature that I had acquitted myself well enough I shall fill it up directly
hoping in the mean time that I shall be able to make a great deal of more room
next year
How in the name of wonder could your uncle Toby who it seems was a
military man and whom you have represented as no fool be at the same time
such a confused puddingheaded muddleheaded fellow as Go look
So Sir Critick I could have replied but I scorn it Tis language
unurbane and only befitting the man who cannot give clear and satisfactory
accounts of things or dive deep enough into the first causes of human ignorance
and confusion It is moreover the reply valiant and therefore I reject it
for tho it might have suited my uncle Tobys character as a soldier excellently
well and had he not accustomed himself in such attacks to whistle the
Lillabullero as he wanted no courage tis the very answer he would have
given yet it would by no means have done for me You see as plain as can be
that I write as a man of erudition that even my similies my allusions my
illustrations my metaphors are erudite and that I must sustain my character
properly and contrast it properly too else what would become of me Why
Sir I should be undone at this very moment that I am going here to fill up
one place against a critick I should have made an opening for a couple
Therefore I answer thus
Pray Sir in all the reading which you have ever read did you ever read
such a book as Lockes Essay upon the Human Understanding Dont answer me
rashly because many I know quote the book who have not read it and many
have read it who understand it not If either of these is your case as I
write to instruct I will tell you in three words what the book is It is a
history A history of who what where when Dont hurry yourself It is
a historybook Sir which may possibly recommend it to the world of what
passes in a mans own mind and if you will say so much of the book and no
more believe me you will cut no contemptible figure in a metaphysic circle
But this by the way
Now if you will venture to go along with me and look down into the bottom
of this matter it will be found that the cause of obscurity and confusion in
the mind of man is threefold
Dull organs dear Sir in the first place Secondly slight and transient
impressions made by objects when the said organs are not dull And thirdly a
memory like unto a sieve not able to retain what it has received Call down
Dolly your chambermaid and I will give you my cap and bell along with it if I
make not this matter so plain that Dolly herself shall understand it as well as
Malbranch When Dolly has indited her epistle to Robin and has thrust her
arm into the bottom of her pocket hanging by her right side take that
opportunity to recollect that the organs and faculties of perception can by
nothing in this world be so aptly typified and explained as by that one thing
which Dollys hand is in search of Your organs are not so dull that I should
inform you tis an inch Sir of red sealwax
When this is melted and droppd upon the letter if Dolly fumbles too long
for her thimble till the wax is over hardend it will not receive the mark of
her thimble from the usual impulse which was wont to imprint it Very well If
Dollys wax for want of better is beeswax or of a temper too soft tho it
may receive it will not hold the impression how hard soever Dolly thrusts
against it and last of all supposing the wax good and eke the thimble but
applied thereto in careless haste as her Mistress rings the bell in any one
of these three cases the print left by the thimble will be as unlike the
prototype as a brassjack
Now you must understand that not one of these was the true cause of the
confusion in my uncle Tobys discourse and it is for that very reason I enlarge
upon them so long after the manner of great physiologists to shew the world
what it did not arise from
What it did arise from I have hinted above and a fertile source of
obscurity it is and ever will be and that is the unsteady uses of words
which have perplexed the clearest and most exalted understandings
It is ten to one at Arthurs whether you have ever read the literary
histories of past ages if you have what terrible battles yclept
logomachies have they occasioned and perpetuated with so much gall and
inkshed that a good natured man cannot read the accounts of them without
tears in his eyes
Gentle critick when thou hast weighd all this and considerd within
thyself how much of thy own knowledge discourse and conversation has been
pestered and disordered at one time or other by this and this only What a
pudder and racket in COUNCILS about oysia and ypostasis and in the SCHOOLS of
the learned about power and about spirit about essences and about
quintessences about substances and about space What confusion in
greater THEATRES from words of little meaning and as indeterminate a sense
when thou considers this thou wilt not wonder at my uncle Tobys perplexities
thou wilt drop a tear of pity upon his scarp and his counterscarp his
glacis and his coveredway his ravelin and his halfmoon Twas not by ideas
by heaven his life was put in jeopardy by words
Chap III
When my uncle Toby got his map of Namur to his mind he began immediately to
apply himself and with the utmost diligence to the study of it for nothing
being of more importance to him than his recovery and his recovery depending
as you have read upon the passions and affections of his mind it behoved him
to take the nicest care to make himself so far master of his subject as to be
able to talk upon it without emotion
In a fortnights close and painful application which by the bye did my
uncle Tobys wound upon his groin no good he was enabled by the help of
some marginal documents at the feet of the elephant together with Gobesiuss
military architecture and pyroballogy translated from the Flemish to form his
discourse with passable perspicuity and before he was two full months gone
he was right eloquent upon it and could make not only the attack of the
advanced counterscarp with great order but having by that time gone much
deeper into the art than what his first motive made necessary my uncle Toby
was able to cross the Maes and Sambre make diversions as far as Vaubans line
the abbey of Salsines etc and give his visitors as distinct a history of each
of their attacks as of that of the gate of St Nicolas where he had the honour
to receive his wound
But the desire of knowledge like the thirst of riches increases ever with
the acquisition of it The more my uncle Toby pored over his map the more he
took a liking to it by the same process and electrical assimilation as I
told you thro which I ween the souls of connoisseurs themselves by long
friction and incumbition have the happiness at length to get all bevirtud
bepicturd bebutterflied and befiddled
The more my uncle Toby drank of this sweet fountain of science the greater
was the heat and impatience of his thirst so that before the first year of his
confinement had well gone round there was scarce a fortified town in Italy or
Flanders of which by one means or other he had not procured a plan reading
over as he got them and carefully collating therewith the histories of their
sieges their demolitions their improvements and new works all which he would
read with that intense application and delight that he would forget himself
his wound his confinement his dinner
In the second year my uncle Toby purchased Ramelli and Cataneo translated
from the Italian likewise Stevinus Marolis the Chevalier de Ville Lorini
Cochorn Sheeter the Count de Pagan the Marshal Vauban Mons Blondel with
almost as many more books of military architecture as Don Quixote was found to
have of chivalry when the curate and barber invaded his library
Towards the beginning of the third year which was in August ninetynine
my uncle Toby found it necessary to understand a little of projectiles And
having judged it best to draw his knowledge from the fountainhead he began
with N Tartaglia who it seems was the first man who detected the imposition of
a cannonballs doing all that mischief under the notion of a right line This
N Tartaglia proved to my uncle Toby to be an impossible thing
Endless is the Search of Truth
No sooner was my uncle Toby satisfied which road the cannonball did not go
but he was insensibly led on and resolved in his mind to enquire and find out
which road the ball did go For which purpose he was obliged to set off afresh
with old Maltus and studied him devoutly He proceeded next to Gallileo and
Torricellius wherein by certain geometrical rules infallibly laid down he
found the precise path to be a PARABOLA or else an HYPERBOLA and that the
parameter or latus rectum of the conic section of the said path was to the
quantity and amplitude in a direct ratio as the whole line to the sine of
double the angle of incidence formd by the breech upon an horizontal plane
and that the semiparameter stop my dear uncle Toby stop go not one
foot further into this thorny and bewilderd track intricate are the steps
intricate are the mazes of this labyrinth intricate are the troubles which the
pursuit of this bewitching phantom KNOWLEDGE will bring upon thee O my
uncle fly fly fly from it as from a serpent It is fit goodnaturd man
thou shouldst sit up with the wound upon thy groin whole nights baking thy
blood with hectic watchings Alas twill exasperate thy symptoms check thy
perspirations evaporate thy spirits waste thy animal strength dry up
thy radical moisture bring thee into a costive habit of body impair thy
health and hasten all the infirmities of thy old age O my uncle my uncle
Toby
Chap IV
I would not give a groat for that mans knowledge in pencraft who does not
understand this That the best plain narrative in the world tackd very close
to the last spirited apostrophe to my uncle Toby would have felt both cold and
vapid upon the readers palate therefore I forthwith put an end to the
chapter though I was in the middle of my story
Writers of my stamp have one principle in common with painters Where an
exact copying makes our pictures less striking we choose the less evil deeming
it even more pardonable to trespass against truth than beauty This is to be
understood cum grano salis but be it as it will as the parallel is made more
for the sake of letting the apostrophe cool than any thing else tis not
very material whether upon any other score the reader approves of it or not
In the latter end of the third year my uncle Toby perceiving that the
parameter and semiparameter of the conic section angered his wound he left
off the study of projectiles in a kind of a huff and betook himself to the
practical part of fortification only the pleasure of which like a spring held
back returned upon him with redoubled force
It was in this year that my uncle began to break in upon the daily
regularity of a clean shirt to dismiss his barber unshaven and to allow
his surgeon scarce time sufficient to dress his wound concerning himself so
little about it as not to ask him once in seven times dressing how it went on
When lo all of a sudden for the change was as quick as lightening he began
to sigh heavily for his recovery complaind to my father grew impatient with
the surgeon and one morning as he heard his foot coming up stairs he shut up
his books and thrust aside his instruments in order to expostulate with him
upon the protraction of his cure which he told him might surely have been
accomplished at least by that time He dwelt long upon the miseries he had
undergone and the sorrows of his four years melancholy imprisonment adding
that had it not been for the kind looks and fraternal chearings of the best of
brothers he had long since sunk under his misfortunes My father was by My
uncle Tobys eloquence brought tears into his eyes twas unexpected My
uncle Toby by nature was not eloquent it had the greater effect The
surgeon was confounded not that there wanted grounds for such or greater
marks of impatience but twas unexpected too in the four years he had
attended him he had never seen any thing like it in my uncle Tobys carriage
he had never once droppd one fretful or discontented word he had been all
patience all submission
We lose the right of complaining sometimes by forbearing it but we
oftner treble the force The surgeon was astonished but much more so when
he heard my uncle Toby go on and peremptorily insist upon his healing up the
wound directly or sending for Monsieur Ronjat the Kings SerjeantSurgeon
to do it for him
The desire of life and health is implanted in mans nature the love of
liberty and enlargement is a sisterpassion to it These my uncle Toby had in
common with his species and either of them had been sufficient to account for
his earnest desire to get well and out of doors but I have told you before
that nothing wrought with our family after the common way and from the time
and manner in which this eager desire shewd itself in the present case the
penetrating reader will suspect there was some other cause or crotchet for it in
my uncle Tobys head There was so and tis the subject of the next chapter
to set forth what that cause and crotchet was I own when thats done twill
be time to return back to the parlour fireside where we left my uncle Toby in
the middle of his sentence
Chap V
When a man gives himself up to the government of a ruling passion or, in
other words, when his HOBBYHORSE grows headstrong farewell cool reason and
fair discretion
My uncle Tobys wound was near well and as soon as the surgeon recovered
his surprize and could get leave to say as much he told him twas just
beginning to incarnate and that if no fresh exfoliation happend which there
was no signs of it would be dried up in five or six weeks The sound of as
many olympiads twelve hours before would have conveyd an idea of shorter
duration to my uncle Tobys mind The succession of his ideas was now rapid
he broild with impatience to put his design in execution and so without
consulting farther with any soul living which by the bye I think is right
when you are predetermined to take no one souls advice he privately ordered
Trim his man to pack up a bundle of lint and dressings and hire a chariot and
four to be at the door exactly by twelve oclock that day when he knew my
father would be upon Change So leaving a banknote upon the table for the
surgeons care of him and a letter of tender thanks for his brothers he
packd up his maps his books of fortification his instruments etc and by
the help of a crutch on one side and Trim on the other my uncle Toby
embarkd for ShandyHall
The reason or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as follows
The table in my uncle Tobys room and at which the night before this
change happened he was sitting with his maps etc about him being somewhat
of the smallest for that infinity of great and small instruments of knowledge
which usually lay crouded upon it he had the accident in reaching over for
his tobaccobox to throw down his compasses and in stooping to take the
compasses up with his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and
snuffers and as the dice took a run against him in his endeavouring to catch
the snuffers in falling he thrust Monsieur Blondel off the table and Count de
Pagan otop of him
Twas to no purpose for a man lame as my uncle Toby was to think of
redressing all these evils by himself he rung his bell for his man Trim
Trim quoth my uncle Toby prithee see what confusion I have here been making
I must have some better contrivance Trim Canst not thou take my rule and
measure the length and breadth of this table and then go and bespeak me one as
big again Yes an please your Honour replied Trim making a bow but I
hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get down to your country seat
where as your Honour takes so much pleasure in fortification we could manage
this matter to a T
I must here inform you that this servant of my uncle Tobys who went by
the name of Trim had been a Corporal in my uncles own company his real name
was James Butler but having got the nickname of Trim in the regiment my
uncle Toby unless when he happened to be very angry with him would never call
him by any other name
The poor fellow had been disabled for the service by a wound on his left
knee by a musketbullet at the battle of Landen which was two years before the
affair of Namur and as the fellow was well beloved in the regiment and a
handy fellow into the bargain my uncle Toby took him for his servant and of
excellent use was he attending my uncle Toby in the camp and in his quarters as
valet groom barber cook sempster and nurse and indeed from first to last
waited upon him and served him with great fidelity and affection
My uncle Toby loved the man in return and what attached him more to him
still was the similitude of their knowledge For Corporal Trim for so for
the future I shall call him by four years occasional attention to his Masters
discourse upon fortified towns and the advantage of prying and peeping
continually into his Masters plans etc exclusive and besides what he gained
HOBBYHORSICALLY as a bodyservant Non HobbyHorsical per se had become no
mean proficient in the science and was thought by the cook and chambermaid
to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle Toby himself
I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal Trims character and
it is the only dark line in it The fellow loved to advise or rather to
hear himself talk his carriage however was so perfectly respectful twas
easy to keep him silent when you had him so but set his tongue agoing you
had no hold of him he was voluble the eternal interlardings of your
Honour with the respectfulness of Corporal Trims manner interceding so strong
in behalf of his elocution that tho you might have been incommoded you
could not well be angry My uncle Toby was seldom either the one or the other
with him or at least this fault in Trim broke no squares with em My
uncle Toby as I said loved the man and besides as he ever looked upon a
faithful servant but as a humble friend he could not bear to stop his
mouth Such was Corporal Trim
If I durst presume continued Trim to give your Honour my advice and speak
my opinion in this matter Thou art welcome Trim quoth my uncle Toby
speak speak what thou thinkest upon the subject man without fear Why then
replied Trim not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a country lout
but stroking his hair back from his forehead and standing erect as before his
division I think quoth Trim advancing his left which was his lame leg a
little forwards and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of
Dunkirk which was pinnd against the hangings I think quoth Corporal Trim
with humble submission to your Honours better judgment that these ravelins
bastions curtins and hornworks make but a poor contemptible fiddle faddle
piece of work of it here upon paper compared to what your Honour and I could
make of it were we in the country by ourselves and had but a rood or a rood
and a half of ground to do what we pleased with As summer is coming on
continued Trim your Honour might sit out of doors and give me the nography
Call it ichnography quoth my uncle of the town or citadel your Honour was
pleased to sit down before and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis
of it if I did not fortify it to your Honours mind I dare say thou
wouldst Trim quoth my uncle For if your Honour continued the Corporal
could but mark me the polygon with its exact lines and angles That I could
do very well quoth my uncle I would begin with the fossé and if your
Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth I can to a hairs breadth
Trim replied my uncle I would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the
town for the scarp and on that hand towards the campaign for the
counterscarp Very right Trim quoth my uncle Toby And when I had sloped
them to your mind an please your Honour I would face the glacis as the
finest fortifications are done in Flanders with sods and as your Honour
knows they should be and I would make the walls and parapets with sods too
The best engineers call them gazons Trim said my uncle Toby Whether they
are gazons or sods is not much matter replied Trim your Honour knows they are
ten times beyond a facing either of brick or stone I know they are Trim in
some respects quoth my uncle Toby nodding his head for a cannonball
enters into the gazon right onwards without bringing any rubbish down with it
which might fill the fossé as was the case at St Nicolass Gate and
facilitate the passage over it
Your Honour understands these matters replied Corporal Trim better than
any officer in his Majestys service but would your Honour please to let the
bespeaking of the table alone and let us go into the country I would work
under your Honours directions like a horse and make fortifications for you
something like a tansy with all their batteries saps ditches and palisadoes
that it should be worth all the worlds riding twenty miles to go and see it
My uncle Toby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went on but it was not a
blush of guilt of modesty or of anger it was a blush of joy he was
fired with Corporal Trims project and description Trim said my uncle Toby
thou hast said enough We might begin the campaign continued Trim on the
very day that his Majesty and the Allies take the field and demolish them town
by town as fast as Trim quoth my uncle Toby say no more Your Honour
continued Trim might sit in your armchair pointing to it this fine weather
giving me your orders and I would Say no more Trim quoth my uncle Toby
Besides your Honour would get not only pleasure and good pastime but good
air and good exercise and good health and your Honours wound would be well
in a month Thou hast said enough Trim quoth my uncle Toby putting his hand
into his breechespocket I like thy project mightily And if your Honour
pleases Ill this moment go and buy a pioneers spade to take down with us
and Ill bespeak a shovel and a pickax and a couple of Say no more Trim
quoth my uncle Toby leaping up upon one leg quite overcome with rapture
and thrusting a guinea into Trims hand Trim said my uncle Toby say no
more but go down Trim this moment my lad and bring up my supper this
instant
Trim ran down and brought up his Masters supper to no purpose Trims
plan of operation ran so in my uncle Tobys head he could not taste it Trim
quoth my uncle Toby get me tobed twas all one Corporal Trims
description had fired his imagination my uncle Toby could not shut his eyes
The more he considerd it the more bewitching the scene appeared to him so
that two full hours before daylight he had come to a final determination and
had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal Trims decampment
My uncle Toby had a little neat countryhouse of his own in the village
where my fathers estate lay at Shandy which had been left him by an old uncle
with a small estate of about one hundred pounds a year Behind this house and
contiguous to it was a kitchengarden of about half an acre and at the bottom
of the garden and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge was a bowlinggreen
containing just about as much ground as Corporal Trim wished for so that as
Trim uttered the words »A rood and a half of ground to do what they would
with« this identical bowlinggreen instantly presented itself and became
curiously painted all at once upon the retina of my uncle Tobys fancy
which was the physical cause of making him change colour or at least of
heightening his blush to that immoderate degree I spoke of
Never did lover post down to a belovd mistress with more heat and
expectation than my uncle Toby did to enjoy this selfsame thing in private
I say in private for it was sheltered from the house as I told you by a
tall yew hedge and was covered on the other three sides from mortal sight by
rough holly and thickset flowering shrubs so that the idea of not being seen
did not a little contribute to the idea of pleasure preconceived in my uncle
Tobys mind Vain thought however thick it was planted about or private
soever it might seem to think dear uncle Toby of enjoying a thing which
took up a whole rood and a half of ground and not have it known
How my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim managed this matter with the history
of their campaigns which were no way barren of events may make no
uninteresting underplot in the epitasis and working up of this drama At
present the scene must drop and change for the parlour fireside
Chap VI
What can they be doing brother said my father I think replied my uncle
Toby taking as I told you his pipe from his mouth and striking the ashes
out of it as he began his sentence I think replied he it would not be
amiss brother if we rung the bell
Pray whats all that racket over our heads Obadiah quoth my father my
brother and I can scarce hear ourselves speak
Sir answerd Obadiah making a bow towards his left shoulder my Mistress
is taken very badly and wheres Susannah running down the garden there as if
they were going to ravish her Sir she is running the shortest cut into the
town replied Obadiah to fetch the old midwife Then saddle a horse quoth
my father and do you go directly for Dr Slop the manmidwife with all our
services and let him know your Mistress is fallen into labour and that I
desire he will return with you with all speed
It is very strange says my father addressing himself to my uncle Toby as
Obadiah shut the door as there is so expert an operator as Dr Slop so near
that my wife should persist to the very last in this obstinate humour of hers
in trusting the life of my child who has had one misfortune already to the
ignorance of an old woman and not only the life of my child brother but
her own life and with it the lives of all the children I might peradventure
have begot out of her hereafter
Mayhap brother replied my uncle Toby my sister does it to save the
expence A puddings end replied my father the doctor must be paid the
same for inaction as action if not better to keep him in temper
Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world quoth my uncle Toby in
the simplicity of his heart but MODESTY My sister I dare say added he
does not care to let a man come so near her I will not say whether my
uncle Toby had compleated the sentence or not tis for his advantage to
suppose he had as I think he could have added no ONE WORD which would have
improved it
If on the contrary my uncle Toby had not fully arrived at his periods
end then the world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of my fathers
tobaccopipe for one of the neatest examples of that ornamental figure in
oratory which Rhetoricians stile the Aposiopesis Just heaven how does the
Poco piu and the Poco meno of the Italian artists the insensible more or
less determine the precise line of beauty in the sentence as well as in the
statue How do the slight touches of the chisel the pencil the pen the
fiddlestick etcætera give the true swell which gives the true pleasure
O my countrymen be nice be cautious of your language and never O
never let it be forgotten upon what small particles your eloquence and your fame
depend
»My sister mayhap« quoth my uncle Toby »does not choose to let a man
come so near her « Make this dash tis an Aposiopesis Take the
dash away and write Backside tis Bawdy Scratch Backside out and put
Coverdway in tis a Metaphor and I dare say as fortification ran so
much in my uncle Tobys head that if he had been left to have added one word to
the sentence that word was it
But whether that was the case or not the case or whether the snapping of
my fathers tobaccopipe so critically happened thro accident or anger will
be seen in due time
Chap VII
Tho my father was a good natural philosopher yet he was something of a
moral philosopher too for which reason when his tobaccopipe snappd short in
the middle he had nothing to do as such but to have taken hold of the
two pieces and thrown them gently upon the back of the fire He did no such
thing he threw them with all the violence in the world and to give the
action still more emphasis he started up upon both his legs to do it
This lookd something like heat and the manner of his reply to what my
uncle Toby was saying provd it was so
»Not choose« quoth my father repeating my uncle Tobys words »to let a
man come so near her « By heaven brother Toby you would try the patience of
a Job and I think I have the plagues of one already without it Why
Where Wherein Wherefore Upon what account replied my uncle Toby in
the utmost astonishment To think said my father of a man living to your
age brother and knowing so little about women I know nothing at all about
them replied my uncle Toby and I think continued he that the shock I
received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk in my affair with widow
Wadman which shock you know I should not have received but from my total
ignorance of the sex has given me just cause to say That I neither know nor
do pretend to know any thing about em or their concerns either Methinks
brother replied my father you might at least know so much as the right end
of a woman from the wrong
It is said in Aristotles MasterPiece »That when a man doth think of any
thing which is past he looketh down upon the ground but that when he
thinketh of something that is to come he looketh up towards the heavens«
My uncle Toby I suppose thought of neither for he lookd horizontally
Right end quoth my uncle Toby muttering the two words low to himself and
fixing his two eyes insensibly as he muttered them upon a small crevice formd
by a bad joint in the chimneypiece Right end of a woman I declare
quoth my uncle I know no more which it is than the man in the moon and if I
was to think continued my uncle Toby keeping his eye still fixd upon the bad
joint this month together I am sure I should not be able to find it out
Then brother Toby replied my father I will tell you
Every thing in this world continued my father filling a fresh pipe
every thing in this earthly world my dear brother Toby has two handles Not
always quoth my uncle Toby At least replied my father every one has two
hands which comes to the same thing
Now if a man was to sit down coolly and consider within himself the
make the shape the construction comatability and convenience of all the
parts which constitute the whole of that animal calld Woman and compare them
analogically I never understood rightly the meaning of that word quoth my
uncle Toby ANALOGY replied my father is the certain relation and
agreement which different Here a Devil of a rap at the door snappd my
fathers definition like his tobaccopipe in two and at the same time
crushed the head of as notable and curious a dissertation as ever was engendered
in the womb of speculation it was some months before my father could get an
opportunity to be safely deliverd of it And at this hour it is a thing
full as problematical as the subject of the dissertation itself considering
the confusion and distresses of our domestick misadventures which are now
coming thick one upon the back of another whether I shall be able to find a
place for it in the third volume or not
Chap VIII
It is about an hour and a halfs tolerable good reading since my uncle Toby rung
the bell when Obadiah was ordered to saddle a horse and go for Dr Slop the
manmidwife so that no one can say with reason that I have not allowed
Obadiah time enough poetically speaking and considering the emergency too
both to go and come tho morally and truly speaking the man perhaps has
scarce had time to get on his boots
If the hypercritick will go upon this and is resolved after all to take a
pendulum and measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of the bell and the
rap at the door and after finding it to be no more than two minutes
thirteen seconds and three fifths should take upon him to insult over me
for such a breach in the unity or rather probability of time I would remind
him that the idea of duration and of its simple modes is got merely from the
train and succession of our ideas and is the true scholastic pendulum and
by which as a scholar I will be tried in this matter abjurning and
detesting the jurisdiction of all other pendulums whatever
I would therefore desire him to consider that it is but poor eight miles
from ShandyHall to Dr Slop the manmidwifes house and that whilst Obadiah
has been going those said miles and back I have brought my uncle Toby from
Namur quite across all Flanders into England That I have had him ill upon
my hands near four years and have since travelled him and Corporal Trim in a
chariot and four a journey of near two hundred miles down into Yorkshire all
which put together must have prepared the readers imagination for the entrance
of Dr Slop upon the stage as much at least I hope as a dance a song or
a concerto between the acts
If my hypercritick is intractable alledging that two minutes and
thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen seconds when I
have said all I can about them and that this plea tho it might save me
dramatically will damn me biographically rendering my book from this very
moment a professd ROMANCE which before was a book apocryphal If I am
thus pressed I then put an end to the whole objection and controversy about
it all at once by acquainting him that Obadiah had not got above threescore
yards from the stableyard before he met with Dr Slop and indeed he gave a
dirty proof that he had met with him and was within an ace of giving a
tragical one too
Imagine to yourself but this had better begin a new chapter
Chap IX
Imagine to yourself a little squat uncourtly figure of a Doctor Slop of about
four feet and a half perpendicular height with a breadth of back and a
sesquipedality of belly which might have done honour to a Serjeant in the
HorseGuards
Such were the outlines of Dr Slops figure which if you have read
Hogarths analysis of beauty and if you have not I wish you would you must
know may as certainly be caracaturd and conveyd to the mind by three strokes
as three hundred
Imagine such a one for such I say were the outlines of Dr Slops
figure coming slowly along foot by foot waddling thro the dirt upon the
vertebræ of a little diminutive pony of a pretty colour but of strength
alack scarce able to have made an amble of it under such a fardel had
the roads been in an ambling condition They were not Imagine to
yourself Obadiah mounted upon a strong monster of a coachhorse prickd into a
full gallop and making all practicable speed the adverse way
Pray Sir let me interest you a moment in this description
Had Dr Slop beheld Obadiah a mile off posting in a narrow lane directly
towards him at that monstrous rate splashing and plunging like a devil
thro thick and thin as he approachd would not such a phænomenon with such a
vortex of mud and water moving along with it round its axis have been a
subject of juster apprehension to Dr Slop in his situation than the worst of
Whistons comets To say nothing of the NUCLEUS that is of Obadiah and the
coachhorse In my idea the vortex alone of em was enough to have involved
and carried if not the Doctor at least the Doctors pony quite away with it
What then do you think must the terror and hydrophobia of Dr Slop have been
when you read which you are just going to do that he was advancing thus warily
along towards ShandyHall and had approachd to within sixty yards of it and
within five yards of a sudden turn made by an acute angle of the garden wall
and in the dirtiest part of a dirty lane when Obadiah and his coachhorse
turned the corner rapid furious pop full upon him Nothing I think
in nature can be supposed more terrible than such a Rencounter so imprompt
so ill prepared to stand the shock of it as Dr Slop was
What could Dr Slop do He crossd himself Pugh but the Doctor
Sir was a Papist No matter he had better have kept hold of the pummel He
had so nay as it happend he had better have done nothing at all for in
crossing himself he let go his whip and in attempting to save his whip
betwixt his knee and his saddles skirt as it slippd he lost his stirrup
in losing which he lost his seat and in the multitude of all these losses
which by the bye shews what little advantage there is in crossing the
unfortunate Doctor lost his presence of mind So that without waiting for
Obadiahs onset he left his pony to its destiny tumbling off it diagonally
something in the stile and manner of a pack of wool and without any other
consequence from the fall save that of being left as it would have been with
the broadest part of him sunk about twelve inches deep in the mire
Obadiah pulld off his cap twice to Dr Slop once as he was falling
and then again when he saw him seated Illtimed complaisance had not the
fellow better have stoppd his horse and got off and helpd him Sir he did
all that his situation would allow but the MOMENTUM of the coachhorse was so
great that Obadiah could not do it all at once he rode in a circle three
times round Dr Slop before he could fully accomplish it any how and at the
last when he did stop his beast twas done with such an explosion of mud that
Obadiah had better have been a league off In short never was a Dr Slop so
beluted and so transubstantiated since that affair came into fashion
Chap X
When Dr Slop entered the backparlour where my father and my uncle Toby were
discoursing upon the nature of women it was hard to determine whether Dr
Slops figure or Dr Slops presence occasioned more surprize to them for as
the accident happened so near the house as not to make it worth while for
Obadiah to remount him Obadiah had led him in as he was unwiped
unappointed unanealed with all his stains and blotches on him He stood
like Hamlets ghost motionless and speechless for a full minute and a half at
the parlour door Obadiah still holding his hand with all the majesty of mud
His hinder parts upon which he had received his fall totally besmeard and
in every other part of him blotched over in such a manner with Obadiahs
explosion that you would have sworn without mental reservation that every
grain of it had taken effect
Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle Toby to have triumphd over my
father in his turn for no mortal who had beheld Dr Slop in that pickle
could have dissented from so much at least of my uncle Tobys opinion »That
mayhap his sister might not care to let such a Dr Slop come so near her
« But it was the Argumentum ad hominem and if my uncle Toby was not very
expert at it you may think he might not care to use it No the reason was
twas not his nature to insult
Dr Slops presence at that time was no less problematical than the mode
of it tho it is certain one moments reflection in my father might have
solved it for he had apprized Dr Slop but the week before that my mother was
at her full reckoning and as the doctor had heard nothing since twas natural
and very political too in him to have taken a ride to ShandyHall as he did
merely to see how matters went on
But my fathers mind took unfortunately a wrong turn in the investigation
running like the hypercriticks altogether upon the ringing of the bell and
the rap upon the door measuring their distance and keeping his mind so
intent upon the operation as to have power to think of nothing else
commonplace infirmity of the greatest mathematicians working with might and
main at the demonstration and so wasting all their strength upon it that they
have none left in them to draw the corollary to do good with
The ringing of the bell and the rap upon the door struck likewise strong
upon the sensorium of my uncle Toby but it excited a very different train of
thoughts the two irreconcileable pulsations instantly brought Stevinus the
great engineer along with them into my uncle Tobys mind What business
Stevinus had in this affair is the greatest problem of all it shall be
solved but not in the next chapter
Chap XI
Writing when properly managed as you may be sure I think mine is is but a
different name for conversation As no one who knows what he is about in good
company would venture to talk all so no author who understands the just
boundaries of decorum and good breeding would presume to think all The truest
respect which you can pay to the readers understanding is to halve this matter
amicably and leave him something to imagine in his turn as well as yourself
For my own part I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind and do
all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own
Tis his turn now I have given an ample description of Dr Slops sad
overthrow and of his sad appearance in the back parlour his imagination
must now go on with it for a while
Let the reader imagine then that Dr Slop has told his tale and in what
words and with what aggravations his fancy chooses Let him suppose that
Obadiah has told his tale also and with such rueful looks of affected concern
as he thinks will best contrast the two figures as they stand by each other
Let him imagine that my father has steppd up stairs to see my mother And
to conclude this work of imagination let him imagine the doctor washd
rubbd down condoled with felicitated got into a pair of Obadiahs
pumps stepping forwards towards the door upon the very point of entering upon
action
Truce truce good Dr Slop stay thy obstetrick hand return it safe
into thy bosom to keep it warm little dost thou know what obstacles little
dost thou think what hidden causes retard its operation Hast thou Dr Slop
hast thou been intrusted with the secret articles of this solemn treaty which
has brought thee into this place Art though aware that at this instant a
daughter of Lucina is put obstetrically over thy head Alas tis too true
Besides great son of Pilumnus what canst thou do Thou has come forth
unarmd thou hast left thy tiretête thy newinvented forceps thy
crochet thy squirt and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance
behind thee By heaven at this moment they are hanging up in a green bays
bag betwixt thy two pistols at thy beds head Ring call send Obadiah
back upon the coachhorse to bring them with all speed
Make great haste Obadiah quoth my father and Ill give thee a crown
and quoth my uncle Toby Ill give him another
Chap XII
Your sudden and unexpected arrival quoth my uncle Toby addressing himself to
Dr Slop all three of them sitting down to the fire together as my uncle Toby
began to speak instantly brought the great Stevinus into my head who you
must know is a favourite author with me Then added my father making use
of the argument Ad Crumenam I will lay twenty guineas to a single crown
piece which will serve to give away to Obadiah when he gets back that this
same Stevinus was some engineer or other or has wrote something or other
either directly or indirectly upon the science of fortification
He has so replied my uncle Toby I knew it said my father tho for
the soul of me I cannot see what kind of connection there can be betwixt Dr
Slops sudden coming and a discourse upon fortification yet I feard it
Talk of what we will brother or let the occasion be never so foreign or
unfit for the subject you are sure to bring it in I would not brother Toby
continued my father I declare I would not have my head so full of curtins and
hornworks That I dare say you would not quoth Dr Slop interrupting
him and laughing most immoderately at his pun
Dennis the critick could not detest and abhor a pun or the insinuation of a
pun more cordially than my father he would grow testy upon it at any time
but to be broke in upon by one in a serious discourse was as bad he would
say as a fillip upon the nose he saw no difference
Sir quoth my uncle Toby addressing himself to Dr Slop the curtins my
brother Shandy mentions here have nothing to do with bedsteads tho I
know Du Cange says »That bedcurtains in all probability have taken their
name from them« nor have the hornworks he speaks of any thing in the world
to do with the hornworks of cuckoldom But the curtin Sir is the word we
use in fortification for that part of the wall or rampart which lies between
the two bastions and joins them Besiegers seldom offer to carry on their
attacks directly against the curtin for this reason because they are so well
flanked Tis the case of other curtins quoth Dr Slop laughing however
continued my uncle Toby to make them sure we generally choose to place
ravelins before them taking care only to extend them beyond the fossé or ditch
The common men who know very little of fortification confound the ravelin
and the halfmoon together tho they are very different things not in
their figure or construction for we make them exactly alike in all points
for they always consist of two faces making a salient angle with the gorges
not straight but in form of a crescent Where then lies the difference
quoth my father a little testily In their situations answered my uncle
Toby For when a ravelin brother stands before the curtin it is a ravelin
and when a ravelin stands before a bastion then the ravelin is not a ravelin
it is a halfmoon a halfmoon likewise is a halfmoon and no more so long
as it stands before its bastion but was it to change place and get before
the curtin twould be no longer a halfmoon a halfmoon in that case is
not a halfmoon tis no more than a ravelin I think quoth my father that
the noble science of defence has its weak sides as well as others
As for the hornworks high ho sighd my father which continued my
uncle Toby my brother was speaking of they are a very considerable part of an
outwork they are called by the French engineers Ouvrage à corne and we
generally make them to cover such places as we suspect to be weaker than the
rest tis formd by two epaulments or demibastions they are very pretty
and if you will take a walk Ill engage to shew you one well worth your
trouble I own continued my uncle Toby when we crown them they are much
stronger but then they are very expensive and take up a great deal of ground
so that in my opinion they are most of use to cover or defend the head of a
camp otherwise the double tenaille By the mother who bore us brother
Toby quoth my father not able to hold out any longer you would provoke a
saint here have you got us I know not how not only souse into the middle of
the old subject again But so full is your head of these confounded works
that tho my wife is this moment in the pains of labour and you hear her cry
out yet nothing will serve you but to carry off the manmidwife
Accoucheur if you please quoth Dr Slop With all my heart replied my
father I dont care what they call you but I wish the whole science of
fortification with all its inventors at the Devil it has been the death of
thousands and it will be mine in the end I would not I would not
brother Toby have my brains so full of saps mines blinds gabions
palisadoes ravelins halfmoons and such trumpery to be proprietor of Namur
and of all the towns in Flanders with it
My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries not from want of courage I
have told you in the fifth chapter of this second book »That he was a man of
courage« And will add here that where just occasions presented or called it
forth I know no man under whose arm I would sooner have taken shelter nor
did this arise from any insensibility or obtuseness of his intellectual parts
for he felt this insult of my fathers as feelingly as a man could do but he
was of a peaceful placid nature no jarring element in it all was mixd up
so kindly within him my uncle Toby had scarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly
Go says he one day at dinner to an overgrown one which had buzzd
about his nose and tormented him cruelly all dinnertime and which after
infinite attempts he had caught at last as it flew by him Ill not hurt
thee says my uncle Toby rising from his chair and going across the room with
the fly in his hand Ill not hurt a hair of thy head Go says he lifting
up the sash and opening his hand as he spoke to let it escape go poor
Devil get thee gone why should I hurt thee This world surely is wide
enough to hold both thee and me
I was but ten years old when this happened but whether it was that the
action itself was more in unison to my nerves at that age of pity which
instantly set my whole frame into one vibration of most pleasureable sensation
or how far the manner and expression of it might go towards it or in what
degree or by what secret magick a tone of voice and harmony of movement
attuned by mercy might find a passage to my heart I know not this I know
that the lesson of universal goodwill then taught and imprinted by my uncle
Toby has never since been worn out of my mind And tho I would not depreciate
what the study of the Literæ humaniores at the university have done for me in
that respect or discredit the other helps of an expensive education bestowed
upon me both at home and abroad since yet I often think that I owe one half
of my philanthropy to that one accidental impression
This is to serve for parents and governors instead of a whole volume upon
the subject
I could not give the reader this stroke in my uncle Tobys picture by the
instrument with which I drew the other parts of it that taking in no more
than the mere HOBBYHORSICAL likeness this is a part of his moral character
My father in this patient endurance of wrongs which I mention was very
different as the reader must long ago have noted he had a much more acute and
quick sensibility of nature attended with a little soreness of temper tho
this never transported him to any thing which looked like malignancy yet in
the little rubs and vexations of life twas apt to shew itself in a drollish
and witty kind of peevishness He was however frank and generous in his
nature at all times open to conviction and in the little ebullitions of
this subacid humour towards others but particularly towards my uncle Toby whom
he truly loved he would feel more pain ten times told except in the affair
of my aunt Dinah or where an hypothesis was concerned than what he ever gave
The characters of the two brothers in this view of them reflected light
upon each other and appeard with great advantage in this affair which arose
about Stevinus
I need not tell the reader if he keep a HOBBYHORSE that a mans
HOBBYHORSE is as tender a part as he has about him and that these unprovoked
strokes at my uncle Tobys could not be unfelt by him No as I said
above my uncle Toby did feel them and very sensibly too
Pray Sir what said he How did he behave Oh Sir it was great
For as soon as my father had done insulting his HOBBYHORSE he turned his
head without the least emotion from Dr Slop to whom he was addressing his
discourse and lookd up into my fathers face with a countenance spread over
with so much good nature so placid so fraternal so inexpressibly
tender towards him it penetrated my father to his heart He rose up hastily
from his chair and seizing hold of both my uncle Tobys hands as he spoke
Brother Toby said he I beg thy pardon forgive I pray thee this rash
humour which my mother gave me My dear dear brother answerd my uncle
Toby rising up by my fathers help say no more about it you are heartily
welcome had it been ten times as much brother But tis ungenerous replied my
father to hurt any man a brother worse but to hurt a brother of such
gentle manners so unprovoking and so unresenting tis base By
heaven tis cowardly You are heartily welcome brother quoth my uncle
Toby had it been fifty times as much Besides what have I to do my dear
Toby cried my father either with your amusements or your pleasures unless it
was in my power which it is not to increase their measure
Brother Shandy answerd my uncle Toby looking wistfully in his face
you are much mistaken in this point for you do increase my pleasure very
much in begetting children for the Shandy family at your time of life But
by that Sir quoth Dr Slop Mr Shandy increases his own Not a jot quoth
my father
Chap XIII
My brother does it quoth my uncle Toby out of principle In a familyway I
suppose quoth Dr Slop Pshaw said my father tis not worth talking of
Chap XIV
At the end of the last chapter my father and my uncle Toby were left both
standing like Brutus and Cassius at the close of the scene making up their
accounts
As my father spoke the three last words he sat down my uncle Toby
exactly followed his example only that before he took his chair he rung the
bell to order Corporal Trim who was in waiting to step home for Stevinus
my uncle Tobys house being no farther off than the opposite side of the way
Some men would have droppd the subject of Stevinus but my uncle Toby had
no resentment in his heart and he went on with the subject to shew my father
that he had none
Your sudden appearance Dr Slop quoth my uncle resuming the discourse
instantly brought Stevinus into my head My father you may be sure did not
offer to lay any more wagers upon Stevinuss head Because continued my
uncle Toby the celebrated sailing chariot which belonged to Prince Maurice
and was of such wonderful contrivance and velocity as to carry half a dozen
people thirty German miles in I dont know how few minutes was invented by
Stevinus that great mathematician and engineer
You might have spared your servant the trouble quoth Dr Slop as the
fellow is lame of going for Stevinuss account of it because in my return
from Leyden thro the Hague I walked as far as Schevling which is two long
miles on purpose to take a view of it
Thats nothing replied my uncle Toby to what the learned Peireskius did
who walked a matter of five hundred miles reckoning from Paris to Schevling
and from Schevling to Paris back again in order to see it and nothing else
Some men cannot bear to be outgone
The more fool Peireskius replied Dr Slop But mark twas out of no
contempt of Peireskius at all but that Peireskiuss indefatigable labour in
trudging so far on foot out of love for the sciences reduced the exploit of Dr
Slop in that affair to nothing the more fool Peireskius said he again
Why so replied my father taking his brothers part not only to make
reparation as fast as he could for the insult he had given him which sat still
upon my fathers mind but partly that my father began really to interest
himself in the discourse Why so said he Why is Peireskius or any man
else to be abused for an appetite for that or any other morsel of sound
knowledge For notwithstanding I know nothing of the chariot in question
continued he the inventor of it must have had a very mechanical head and tho
I cannot guess upon what principles of philosophy he has atchievd it yet
certainly his machine has been constructed upon solid ones be they what they
will or it could not have answerd at the rate my brother mentions
It answered replied my uncle Toby as well if not better for as
Peireskius elegantly expresses it speaking of the velocity of its motion Tam
citus erat quam erat ventus which unless I have forgot my Latin is that it
was as swift as the wind itself
But pray Dr Slop quoth my father interrupting my uncle tho not
without begging pardon for it at the same time upon what principles was this
selfsame chariot set agoing Upon very pretty principles to be sure replied
Dr Slop and I have often wondered continued he evading the question why
none of our Gentry who live upon large plains like this of ours especially
they whose wives are not past childbearing attempt nothing of this kind for
it would not only be infinitely expeditious upon sudden calls to which the sex
is subject if the wind only served but would be excellent good husbandry
to make use of the winds which cost nothing and which eat nothing rather than
horses which the Devil take em both cost and eat a great deal
For that very reason replied my father »Because they cost nothing and
because they eat nothing« the scheme is bad it is the consumption of our
products as well as the manufactures of them which gives bread to the hungry
circulates trade brings in money and supports the value of our lands and
tho I own if I was a Prince I would generously recompense the scientific
head which brought forth such contrivances yet I would as peremptorily
suppress the use of them
My father here had got into his element and was going on as prosperously
with his dissertation upon trade as my uncle Toby had before upon his of
fortification but to the loss of much sound knowledge the destinies in the
morning had decreed that no dissertation of any kind should be spun by my father
that day for as he opened his mouth to begin the next sentence
Chap XV
In poppd Corporal Trim with Stevinus But twas too late all the
discourse had been exhausted without him and was running into a new channel
You may take the book home again Trim said my uncle Toby nodding to
him
But prithee Corporal quoth my father drolling look first into it
and see if thou canst spy aught of a sailing chariot in it
Corporal Trim by being in the service had learned to obey and not to
remonstrate so taking the book to a sidetable and running over the leaves
An please your Honour said Trim I can see no such thing however continued
the Corporal drolling a little in his turn Ill make sure work of it an
please your Honour so taking hold of the two covers of the book one in each
hand and letting the leaves fall down as he bent the covers back he gave the
book a good sound shake
There is something fallen out however said Trim an please your Honour
but it is not a chariot or any thing like one Prithee Corporal said my
father smiling what is it then I think answered Trim stooping to take it
up tis more like a sermon for it begins with a text of scripture and
the chapter and verse and then goes on not as a chariot but like a
sermon directly
The company smiled
I cannot conceive how it is possible quoth my uncle Toby for such a thing
as a sermon to have got into my Stevinus
I think tis a sermon replied Trim but if it please your Honours as it
is a fair hand I will read you a page for Trim you must know loved to hear
himself read almost as well as talk
I have ever a strong propensity said my father to look into things which
cross my way by such strange fatalities as these and as we have nothing
better to do at least till Obadiah gets back I should be obliged to you
brother if Dr Slop has no objection to it to order the Corporal to give us a
page or two of it if he is as able to do it as he seems willing An please
your Honour quoth Trim I officiated two whole campaigns in Flanders as Clerk
to the Chaplain of the Regiment He can read it quoth my uncle Toby as well
as I can Trim I assure you was the best scholar in my company and should
have had the next Halberd but for the poor fellows misfortune Corporal Trim
laid his hand upon his heart and made an humble bow to his Master then
laying down his hat upon the floor and taking up the sermon in his lefthand
in order to have his right at liberty he advanced nothing doubting into the
middle of the room where he could best see and be best seen by his audience
Chap XVI
If you have any objection said my father addressing himself to Dr Slop
Not in the least replied Dr Slop for it does not appear on which side of
the question it is wrote it may be a composition of a divine of our church
as well as yours so that we run equal risks Tis wrote upon neither side
quoth Trim for tis only upon Conscience an please your Honours
Trims reason put his audience into good humour all but Dr Slop who
turning his head about towards Trim lookd a little angry
Begin Trim and read distinctly quoth my father I will an please
your Honour replied the Corporal making a bow and bespeaking attention with a
slight movement of his right hand
Chap XVII
But before the Corporal begins I must first give you a description of his
attitude otherwise he will naturally stand represented by your imagination
in an uneasy posture stiff perpendiculardividing the weight of his body
equally upon both legs his eye fixd as if on duty his look determined
clinching the sermon in his left hand like his firelock In a word you would
be apt to paint Trim as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action
His attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive
He stood before them with his body swayed and bent forwards just so far as
to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the horizon
which sound orators to whom I address this know very well to be the true
persuasive angle of incidence in any other angle you may talk and preach
tis certain and it is done every day but with what effect I leave the
world to judge
The necessity of this precise angle of 85 degrees and a half to a
mathematical exactness does it not shew us by the way how the arts and
sciences mutually befriend each other
How the duce Corporal Trim who knew not so much as an acute angle from an
obtuse one came to hit it so exactly or whether it was chance or nature or
good sense or imitation etc shall be commented upon in that part of this
cyclopædia of arts and sciences where the instrumental parts of the eloquence
of the senate the pulpit the bar the coffeehouse the bedchamber and
fireside fall under consideration
He stood for I repeat it to take the picture of him in at one view
with his body swayd and somewhat bent forwards his right leg firm under
him sustaining seveneighths of his whole weight the foot of his left leg
the defect of which was no disadvantage to his attitude advanced a little
not laterally nor forwards but in a line betwixt them his knee bent but
that not violently but so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty
and I add of the line of science too for consider it had one eighth part
of his body to bear up so that in this case the position of the leg is
determined because the foot could be no further advanced or the knee more
bent than what would allow him mechanically to receive an eighth part of his
whole weight under it and to carry it too
This I recommend to painters need I add to orators I think not
for unless they practise it they must fall upon their noses
So much for Corporal Trims body and legs He held the sermon loosely
not carelessly in his left hand raised something above his stomach and
detachd a little from his breast his right arm falling negligently by his
side as nature and the laws of gravity orderd it but with the palm of it
open and turned towards his audience ready to aid the sentiment in case it
stood in need
Corporal Trims eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony with
the other parts of him he lookd frank unconstrained something assured
but not bordering upon assurance
Let not the critick ask how Corporal Trim could come by all this Ive told
him it shall be explained but so he stood before my father my uncle Toby
and Dr Slop so swayed his body so contrasted his limbs and with such an
oratorical sweep throughout the whole figure a statuary might have modelld
from it nay I doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a College or the Hebrew
Professor himself could have much mended it
Trim made a bow and read as follows
The Sermon
Hebrews xiii 18
For we trust we have a good Conscience
»Trust Trust we have a good conscience«
Certainly Trim quoth my father interrupting him you give that sentence
a very improper accent for you curl up your nose man and read it with such a
sneering tone as if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle
He is an please your Honour replied Trim Pugh said my father smiling
Sir quoth Dr Slop Trim is certainly in the right for the writer who I
perceive is a Protestant by the snappish manner in which he takes up the
Apostle is certainly going to abuse him if this treatment of him has not
done it already But from whence replied my father have you concluded so soon
Dr Slop that the writer is of our Church for aught I can see yet he may
be of any Church Because answered Dr Slop if he was of ours he durst
no more take such a licence than a bear by his beard If in our
communion Sir a man was to insult an Apostle a saint or even the
paring of a saints nail he would have his eyes scratched out What by
the saint quoth my uncle Toby No replied Dr Slop he would have an old
house over his head Pray is the Inquisition an antient building answered my
uncle Toby or is it a modern one I know nothing of architecture replied Dr
Slop An please your Honours quoth Trim the Inquisition is the vilest
Prithee spare thy description Trim I hate the very name of it said my
father No matter for that answered Dr Slop it has its uses for tho Im
no great advocate for it yet in such a case as this he would soon be taught
better manners and I can tell him if he went on at that rate would be flung
into the Inquisition for his pains God help him then quoth my uncle Toby
Amen added Trim for heaven above knows I have a poor brother who has been
fourteen years a captive in it I never heard one word of it before said my
uncle Toby hastily How came he there Trim O Sir the story will make
your heart bleed as it has made mine a thousand times but it is too long
to be told now your Honour shall hear it from first to last some day when I
am working besides you in our fortifications but the short of the story is
this That my brother Tom went over a servant to Lisbon and then married a
Jews widow who kept a small shop and sold sausages which some how or other
was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed
where he was lying with his wife and two small children and carried directly to
the Inquisition where God help him continued Trim fetching a sigh from the
bottom of his heart the poor honest lad lies confined at this hour he was
as honest a soul added Trim pulling out his handkerchief as ever blood
warmd
The tears trickled down Trims cheeks faster than he could well wipe them
away A dead silence in the room ensued for some minutes Certain proof of
pity
Come Trim quoth my father after he saw the poor fellows grief had got a
little vent read on and put this melancholy story out of thy head I
grieve that I interrupted thee but prithee begin the sermon again for if
the first sentence in it is matter of abuse as thou sayest I have a great
desire to know what kind of provocation the Apostle has given
Corporal Trim wiped his face and returning his handkerchief into his
pocket and making a bow as he did it he began again
The Sermon
HEBREWS xiii 18
For We Trust We Have a Good Conscience
»Trust trust we have a good conscience Surely if there is any thing in this
life which a man may depend upon and to the knowledge of which he is capable of
arriving upon the most indisputable evidence it must be this very thing
whether he has a good conscience or no«
I am positive I am right quoth Dr Slop
»If a man thinks at all he cannot well be a stranger to the true state of
this account he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires he must
remember his past pursuits and know certainly the true springs and motives
which in general have governed the actions of his life«
I defy him without an assistant quoth Dr Slop
»In other matters we may be deceived by false appearances and as the Wise
Man complains hardly do we guess aright at the things that are upon the earth
and with labour do we find the things that are before us But here the mind has
all the evidence and facts within herself is conscious of the web she has
wove knows its texture and fineness and the exact share which every passion
has had in working upon the several designs which virtue or vice has plannd
before her«
The language is good and I declare Trim reads very well quoth my father
»Now as conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind has
within herself of this and the judgment either of approbation or censure
which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our lives tis plain
you will say from the very terms of the proposition whenever this inward
testimony goes against a man and he stands selfaccused that he must
necessarily be a guilty man And on the contrary when the report is
favourable on his side and his heart condemns him not that it is not a
matter of trust as the Apostle intimates but a matter of certainty and fact
that the conscience is good and that the man must be good also«
Then the Apostle is altogether in the wrong I suppose quoth Dr Slop and
the Protestant divine is in the right Sir have patience replied my father
for I think it will presently appear that St Paul and the Protestant divine are
both of an opinion As nearly so quoth Dr Slop as East is to West but
this continued he lifting both hands comes from the liberty of the press
It is no more at the worst replied my uncle Toby than the liberty of the
pulpit for it does not appear that the sermon is printed or ever likely to be
Go on Trim quoth my father
Another is sordid
Sterne The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy Gentleman S 190
Digitale Bibliothek Band 57 Operntexte von Monteverdi bis Strauss S 191 vgl
SterneTristram Shandy S 97
»At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case and I make no
doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind
of man that did no such thing ever happen as that the conscience of a man
by long habits of sin might as the scripture assures it may insensibly become
hard and like some tender parts of his body by much stress and continual
hard usage lose by degrees that nice sense and perception with which God and
nature endowd it Did this never happen or was it certain that selflove
could never hang the least bias upon the judgment or that the little
interests below could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions
and encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness Could no such thing
as favour and affection enter this sacred COURT Did WIT disdain to take a
bribe in it or was ashamd to shew its face as an advocate for an
unwarrantable enjoyment Or lastly were we assured that INTEREST stood
always unconcernd whilst the cause was hearing and that passion never got
into the judgmentseat and pronouncd sentence in the stead of reason which is
supposed always to preside and determine upon the case Was this truly so as
the objection must suppose no doubt then the religious and moral state of a
man would be exactly what he himself esteemd it and the guilt or innocence
of every mans life could be known in general by no better measure than the
degrees of his own approbation and censure
I own in one case whenever a mans conscience does accuse him as it
seldom errs on that side that he is guilty and unless in melancholy and
hypocondriack cases we may safely pronounce upon it that there is always
sufficient grounds for the accusation
But the converse of the proposition will not hold true namely that
whenever there is guilt the conscience must accuse and if it does not that a
man is therefore innocent This is not fact So that the common consolation
which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself that
he thanks God his mind does not misgive him and that consequently he has a
good conscience because he has a quiet one is fallacious and as current
as the inference is and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight yet
when you look nearer to it and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts
you see it liable to so much error from a false application the principle
upon which it goes so often perverted the whole force of it lost and
sometimes so vilely cast away that it is painful to produce the common examples
from human life which confirm the account
A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles
exceptionable in his conduct to the world shall live shameless in the open
commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify a sin by which
contrary to all the workings of humanity he shall ruin for ever the deluded
partner of his guilt rob her of her best dowry and not only cover her own
head with dishonour but involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow
for her sake Surely you will think conscience must lead such a man a
troublesome Life he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches
Alas CONSCIENCE had something else to do all this time than break in upon
him as Elijah reproached the God Baal this domestick God was either
talking or pursuing or was in a journey or peradventure he slept and could
not be awoke
Perhaps HE was gone out in company with HONOUR to fight a duel to pay off
some debt at play or dirty annuity the bargain of his lust Perhaps
CONSCIENCE all this time was engaged at home talking loud against petty
larceny and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and
rank in life secured him against all temptation of committing so that he lives
as merrily« if he was of our church tho quoth Dr Slop he could not
»sleeps as soundly in his bed and at last meets death as unconcernedly
perhaps much more so than a much better man«
All this is impossible with us quoth Dr Slop turning to my father the
case could not happen in our Church It happens in ours however replied my
father but too often I own quoth Dr Slop struck a little with my
fathers frank acknowledgement that a man in the Romish Church may live as
badly but then he cannot easily die so Tis little matter replied my
father with an air of indifference how a rascal dies I mean answerd
Dr Slop he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments Pray how
many have you in all said my uncle Toby for I always forget Seven
answered Dr Slop Humph said my uncle Toby tho not accented as a
note of acquiescence but as an interjection of that particular species of
surprize when a man in looking into a drawer finds more of a thing than he
expected Humph replied my uncle Toby Dr Slop who had an ear understood
my uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven
sacraments Humph replied Dr Slop stating my uncle Tobys argument over
again to him Why Sir are there not seven cardinal virtues Seven mortal
sins Seven golden candlesticks Seven heavens Tis more than I know
replied my uncle Toby Are there not seven wonders of the world Seven
days of creation Seven planets Seven plagues That there are quoth
my father with a most affected gravity But prithee continued he go on with
the rest of thy characters Trim
»Another is sordid unmerciful« here Trim waved his right hand »a
straithearted selfish wretch incapable either of private friendship or
publick spirit Take notice how he passes by the widow and orphan in their
distress and sees all the miseries incident to human life without a sigh or a
prayer« An please your Honours cried Trim I think this a viler man than the
other
»Shall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occasions No thank
God there is no occasion I pay every man his own I have no fornication to
answer to my conscience no faithless vows or promises to make up I have
debauched no mans wife or child thank God I am not as other men adulterers
unjust or even as this libertine who stands before me
A third is crafty and designing in his nature View his whole life tis
nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable subterfuges
basely to defeat the true intent of all laws plain dealing and the safe
enjoyment of our several properties You will see such a one working out a
frame of little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and
needy man shall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth or the
unsuspecting temper of his friend who would have trusted him with his life
When old age comes on and repentance calls him to look back upon this black
account and state it over again with his conscience CONSCIENCE looks into
the STATUTES at LARGE finds no express law broken by what he has done
perceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels incurred sees no
scourge waving over his head or prison opening his gates upon him What is
there to affright his conscience Conscience has got safely entrenched behind
the Letter of the Law sits there invulnerable fortified with Cases and Reports
so strongly on all sides that it is not preaching can dispossess it of its
hold«
Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged looks with each other
Aye aye Trim quoth my uncle Toby shaking his head these are but sorry
fortifications Trim O very poor work answered Trim to what your Honour
and I make of it The character of this last man said Dr Slop interrupting
Trim is more detestable than all the rest and seems to have been taken from
some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you Amongst us a mans conscience could
not possibly continue so long blinded three times in a year at least he
must go to confession Will that restore it to sight quoth my uncle Toby Go
on Trim quoth my father or Obadiah will have got back before thou hast got to
the end of thy sermon tis a very short one replied Trim I wish it was
longer quoth my uncle Toby for I like it hugely Trim went on
»A fourth man shall want even this refuge shall break through all this
ceremony of slow chicane scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots and
cautious trains to bring about his purpose See the barefaced villain how
he cheats lies perjures robs murders Horrid But indeed much better
was not to be expected in the present case the poor man was in the dark
his priest had got the keeping of his conscience and all he would let him
know of it was That he must believe in the Pope go to Mass cross
himself tell his beads be a good Catholick and that this in all
conscience was enough to carry him to heaven What if he perjures Why
he had a mental reservation in it But if he is so wicked and abandoned a
wretch as you represent him if he robs if he stabs will not
conscience on every such act receive a wound itself Aye but the man has
carried it to confession the wound digests there and will do well enough
and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution O Popery what hast thou
to answer for when not content with the too many natural and fatal ways
thro which the heart of man is every day thus treacherous to itself above all
things thou hast wilfully set open this wide gate of deceit before the face
of this unwary traveller too apt God knows to go astray of himself and
confidently speak peace to himself when there is no peace
Of this the common instance which I have drawn out of life are too
notorious to require much evidence If any man doubts the reality of them or
thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himself I must refer
him a moment to his own reflections and will then venture to trust my appeal
with his own heart
Let him consider in how different a degree of detestation numbers of wicked
actions stand there tho equally bad and vicious in their own natures he
will soon find that such of them as strong inclination and custom have prompted
him to commit are generally dressd out and painted with all the false
beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can give them and that the
others to which he feels no propensity appear at once naked and deformed
surrounded with all the true circumstances of folly and dishonour
When David surprized Saul sleeping in the Cave and cut off the skirt of his
robe we read his heart smote him for what he had done But in the matter
of Uriah where a faithful and gallant servant whom he ought to have loved and
honoured fell to make way for his lust where conscience had so much greater
reason to take the alarm his heart smote him not A whole year had almost
passed from the first commission of that crime to the time Nathan was sent to
reprove him and we read not once of the least sorrow or compunction of heart
which he testified during all that time for what he had done
Thus conscience this once able monitor placed on high as a judge within
us and intended by our maker as a just and equitable one too by an unhappy
train of causes and impediments takes often such imperfect cognizance of what
passes does its office so negligently sometimes so corruptly that it
is not to be trusted alone and therefore we find there is a necessity an
absolute necessity of joining another principle with it to aid if not govern
its determinations
So that if you would form a just judgment of what is of infinite importance
to you not to be misled in namely in what degree of real merit you stand
either as an honest man an useful citizen a faithful subject to your King or
a good servant to your God call in religion and morality Look What is
written in the law of God
How readest thou Consult calm reason and the unchangeable obligations
of justice and truth what say they
Let CONSCIENCE determine the matter upon these reports and then if thy
heart condemns thee not which is the case the Apostle supposes the rule will
be infallible« Here Dr Slop fell asleep »thou wilt have confidence towards
God that is have just grounds to believe the judgment thou hast past upon
thyself is the judgment of God and nothing else but an anticipation of that
righteous sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being
to whom thou art finally to give an account of thy actions
Blessed is the man indeed then as the author of the book of Ecclesiasticus
expresses it who is not prickd with the multitude of his sins Blessed is the
man whose heart hath not condemnd him whether he be rich or whether he be
poor if he have a good heart a heart thus guided and informed he shall at all
times rejoice in a chearful countenance his mind shall tell him more than seven
watchmen that sit above upon a tower on high« A tower has no strength
quoth my uncle Toby unless tis flankd »In the darkest doubts it shall
conduct him safer than a thousand casuists and give the state he lives in a
better security for his behaviour than all the clauses and restrictions put
together which lawmakers are forced to multiply Forced I say as things
stand human laws not being a matter of original choice but of pure necessity
brought in to fence against the mischievous effects of those consciences which
are no law unto themselves well intending by the many provisions made that
in all such corrupt and misguided cases where principles and the checks of
conscience will not make us upright to supply their force and by the
terrors of gaols and halters oblige us to it«
I see plainly said my father that this sermon has been composed to be
preachd at the Temple or at some Assize I like the reasoning and am
sorry that Dr Slop has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction for
it is now clear that the Parson as I thought at first never insulted St Paul
in the least nor has there been brother the least difference between them
A great matter if they had differed replied my uncle Toby the best
friends in the world may differ sometimes True brother Toby quoth my
father shaking hands with him well fill our pipes brother and then Trim
shall go on
Well what dost thou think of it said my father speaking to Corporal
Trim as he reachd his tobaccobox
I think answered the Corporal that the seven watchmen upon the tower
who I suppose are all centinels there are more an please your Honour
than were necessary and to go on at that rate would harrass a regiment all
to pieces which a commanding officer who loves his men will never do if he
can help it because two centinels added the Corporal are as good as twenty
I have been a commanding officer myself in the Corps de Garde a hundred times
continued Trim rising an inch higher in his figure as he spoke and all the
time I had the honour to serve his Majesty King William in relieving the most
considerable posts I never left more than two in my life Very right Trim
quoth my uncle Toby but you do not consider Trim that the towers in
Solomons days were not such things as our bastions flankd and defended by
other works this Trim was an invention since Solomons death nor had they
hornworks or ravelins before the curtin in his time or such a fossé as we
make with a cuvette in the middle of it and with coverdways and counterscarps
pallisadoed along it to guard against a Coup de main So that the seven men
upon the tower were a party I dare say from the Corps de Garde set there not
only to look out but to defend it They could be no more an please your
Honour than a Corporals Guard My father smiled inwardly but not
outwardly the subject between my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim being rather
too serious considering what had happened to make a jest of So putting his
pipe into his mouth which he had just lighted he contented himself with
ordering Trim to read on He read on as follows
To have the fear of God before our eyes and in our mutual dealings with
each other to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right and wrong
The first of these will comprehend the duties of religion the second those
of morality which are so inseparably connected together that you cannot divide
these two tables even in imagination tho the attempt is often made in
practice without breaking and mutually destroying them both
I said the attempt is often made and so it is there being nothing more
common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion and indeed has
so much honesty as to pretend to none who would take it as the bitterest
affront should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character or imagine
he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite
When there is some appearance that it is so tho one is unwilling even to
suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty yet were we to
look into the grounds of it in the present case I am persuaded we should find
little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive
Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject it will be
found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest his pride his
ease or some such little and changeable passion as will give us but small
dependence upon his actions in matters of great stress
I will illustrate this by an example
I know the banker I deal with or the physician I usually call in« There
is no need cried Dr Slop waking to call in any physician in this case »to
be neither of them men of much religion I hear them make a jest of it every
day and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn as to put the matter past
doubt Well notwithstanding this I put my fortune into the hands of the one
and what is dearer still to me I trust my life to the honest skill of the
other
Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence Why in
the first place I believe there is no probability that either of them will
employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage I consider that
honesty serves the purposes of this life I know their success in the world
depends upon the fairness of their characters In a word Im persuaded
that they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more
But put it otherwise namely that interest lay for once on the other
side that a case should happen wherein the one without stain to his
reputation could secrete my fortune and leave me naked in the world or that
the other could send me out of it and enjoy an estate by my death without
dishonour to himself or his art In this case what hold have I of either of
them Religion the strongest of all motives is out of the question
Interest the next most powerful motive in the world is strongly against me
What have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation
Alas I have nothing nothing but what is lighter than a bubble I must lay
at the mercy of HONOUR or some such capricious principle Strait security for
two of my most valuable blessings my property and my life
As therefore we can have no dependence upon morality without religion
so on the other hand there is nothing better to be expected from religion
without morality nevertheless tis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral
character stands very low who yet entertains the highest notion of himself in
the light of a religious man
He shall not only be covetous revengeful implacable but even wanting
in points of common honesty yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against the
infidelity of the age is zealous for some points of religion goes twice
a day to church attends the sacraments and amuses himself with a few
instrumental parts of religion shall cheat his conscience into a judgment
that for this he is a religious man and has discharged truly his duty to God
And you will find that such a man thro force of this delusion generally looks
down with spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of
piety tho perhaps ten times more moral honesty than himself
This likewise is a sore evil under the sun and I believe there is no one
mistaken principle which for its time has wrought more serious mischiefs
For a general proof of this examine the history of the Romish church«
Well what can you make of that cried Dr Slop »see what scenes of
cruelty murders rapines bloodshed« They may thank their own obstinacy
cried Dr Slop »have all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by
morality
In how many kingdoms of the world« Here Trim kept waving his right hand
from the sermon to the extent of his arm returning it backwards and forwards to
the conclusion of the Paragraph
In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this misguided
sainterrant spared neither age or merit or sex or condition and as he
fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and
humanity he shewd none mercilessly trampled upon both heard neither the
cries of the unfortunate nor pitied their distresses«
I have been in many a battle an please your Honour quoth Trim sighing
but never in so melancholy a one as this I would not have drawn a tricker in
it against these poor souls to have been made a general officer Why
what do you understand of the affair said Dr Slop looking towards Trim with
something more contempt than the Corporals honest heart deserved What do you
know friend about this battle you talk of I know replied Trim that I
never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it but to a
woman or a child continued Trim before I would level my musket at them I
would lose my life a thousand times Heres a crown for thee Trim to drink
with Obadiah tonight quoth my uncle Toby and Ill give Obadiah another too
God bless your Honour replied Trim I had rather these poor women and
children had it Thou art an honest fellow quoth my uncle Toby My father
nodded his head as much as to say and so he is
But prithee Trim said my father make an end for I see thou hast but a
leaf or two left
Corporal Trim read on
It the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient
consider at this instant how the votaries of that religion are every day
thinking to do service and honour to God by actions which are a dishonour and
scandal to themselves
To be convinced of this go with me for a moment into the Prisons of the
inquisition« God help my poor brother Tom »Behold Religion with Mercy and
Justice chained down under her feet there sitting ghastly upon a black
tribunal proppd up with racks and instruments of torment Hark Hark what a
piteous groan« Here Trims face turned as pale as ashes »See the melancholy
wretch who utterd it« Here the tears began to trickle down »just brought
forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial and endure the utmost pains that a
studied system of cruelty has been able to invent« Dn them all quoth Trim
his colour returning into his face as red as blood »Behold this helpless
victim delivered up to his tormentors his body so wasted with sorrow and
confinement« Oh tis my brother cried poor Trim in a most passionate
exclamation dropping the sermon upon the ground and clapping his hands
together I fear tis poor Tom My fathers and my uncle Tobys hearts yearnd
with sympathy for the poor fellows distress even Slop himself acknowledged
pity for him Why Trim said my father this is not a history tis a
sermon thou art reading prithee begin the sentence again »Behold this
helpless victim deliverd up to his tormentors his body so wasted with sorrow
and confinement you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers
Observe the last movement of that horrid engine« I would rather face a
cannon quoth Trim stamping »See what convulsions it has thrown him into
Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched what
exquisite tortures he endures by it« I hope tis not in Portugal »Tis
all nature can bear Good God see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his
trembling lips« I would not read another line of it quoth Trim for all this
world I fear an please your Honours all this is in Portugal where my poor
brother Tom is I tell thee Trim again quoth my father tis not an
historical account tis a description Tis only a description honest man
quoth Slop theres not a word of truth in it Thats another story replied
my father However as Trim reads it with so much concern tis cruelty to
force him to go on with it Give me hold of the sermon Trim Ill finish it
for thee and thou mayst go I must stay and hear it too replied Trim if your
Honour will allow me tho I would not read it myself for a Colonels pay
Poor Trim quoth my uncle Toby My father went on
» Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretchd what
exquisite torture he endures by it Tis all nature can bear Good God See
how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips willing to take
its leave but not suffered to depart Behold the unhappy wretch led back
to his cell« Then thank God however quoth Trim they have not killed him
»See him draggd out of it again to meet the flames and the insults in his last
agonies which this principle this principle that there can be religion
without mercy has prepared for him« Then thank God he is dead quoth
Trim he is out of his pain and they have done their worst at him O
Sirs Hold your peace Trim said my father going on with the sermon lest
Trim should incense Dr Slop we shall never have done at this rate
»The surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is to trace down
the consequences such a notion has produced and compare them with the spirit of
Christianity tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us
for these and suchlike cases and it is worth a thousand arguments By their
fruits ye shall know them
I will add no farther to the length of this sermon than by two or three
short and independent rules deducible from it
First Whenever a man talks loudly against religion always suspect that
it is not his reason but his passions which have got the better of his CREED A
bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours and
where they separate depend upon it tis for no other cause but quietness sake
Secondly When a man thus represented tells you in any particular
instance That such a thing goes against his conscience always believe he
means exactly the same thing as when he tells you such a thing goes against his
stomach a present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both
In a word trust that man in nothing who has not a CONSCIENCE in every
thing
And in your own case remember this plain distinction a mistake in which
has ruined thousands that your conscience is not a law No God and reason
made the law and have placed conscience within you to determine not like an
Asiatick Cadi according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions but like a
British judge in this land of liberty and good sense who makes no new law but
faithfully declares that law which he knows already written«
Finis
Thou hast read the sermon extremely well Trim quoth my father If he had
spared his comments replied Dr Slop he would have read it much better I
should have read it ten times better Sir answered Trim but that my heart was
so full That was the very reason Trim replied my father which has made
thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done and if the clergy of our church
continued my father addressing himself to Dr Slop would take part in what
they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done as their compositions
are fine I deny it quoth Dr Slop I maintain it that the eloquence of our
pulpits with such subjects to inflame it would be a model for the whole
world But alas continued my father and I own it Sir with sorrow that
like French politicians in this respect what they gain in the cabinet they lose
in the field Twere a pity quoth my uncle that this should be lost I like
the sermon well replied my father tis dramatic and there is something
in that way of writing when skilfully managed which catches the attention
We preach much in that way with us said Dr Slop I know that very well said
my father but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr Slop full as much as
his assent simply could have pleased him But in this added Dr Slop a
little piqued our sermons have greatly the advantage that we never
introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarchs wife or a
martyr or a saint There are some very bad characters in this however said
my father and I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for em But pray
quoth my uncle Toby whos can this be How could it get into my Stevinus A
man must be as great a conjurer as Stevinus said my father to resolve the
second question The first I think is not so difficult for unless my
judgment greatly deceives me I know the author for tis wrote certainly by
the parson of the parish
The similitude of the stile and manner of it with those my father
constantly had heard preached in his parishchurch was the ground of his
conjecture proving it as strongly as an argment a priori could prove such a
thing to a philosophic mind That it was Yoricks and no ones else It was
proved to be so a posteriori the day after when Yorick sent a servant to my
uncle Tobys house to enquire after it
It seems that Yorick who was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledge had
borrowed Stevinus of my uncle Toby and had carelessly poppd his sermon as
soon as he had made it into the middle of Stevinus and by an act of
forgetfulness to which he was ever subject he had sent Stevinus home and his
sermon to keep him company
Illfated sermon Thou wast lost after this recovery of thee a second
time droppd thro an unsuspected fissure in thy masters pocket down into a
treacherous and a tatterd lining trod deep into the dirt by the left hind
foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst buried
ten days in the mire raised up out of it by a beggar sold for a halfpenny to
a parishclerk transferred to his parson lost for ever to thy own the
remainder of his days nor restored to his restless MANES till this very
moment that I tell the world the story
Can the reader believe that this sermon of Yoricks was preached at an
assize in the cathedral of York before a thousand witnesses ready to give
oath of it by a certain prebendary of that church and actually printed by him
when he had done and within so short a space as two years and three months
after Yoricks death Yorick indeed was never better served in his life
but it was a little hard to maletreat him after and plunder him after he was
laid in his grave
However as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with Yorick
and in conscious justice printed but a few copies to give away and that I
am told he could moreover have made as good a one himself had he thought fit
I declare I would not have published this anecdote to the world nor do I
publish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the church
I leave that to others but I find myself impelld by two reasons which I
cannot withstand
The first is That in doing justice I may give rest to Yoricks ghost
which as the country people and some others believe still walks
The second reason is That by laying open this story to the world I gain
an opportunity of informing it That in case the character of parson Yorick
and this sample of his sermons is liked that there are now in the possession
of the Shandy family as many as will make a handsome volume at the worlds
service and much good may they do it
Chap XVIII
Obadiah gaind the two crowns without dispute for he came in jingling with all
the instruments in the green bays bag we spoke of slung across his body just
as Corporal Trim went out of the room
It is now proper I think quoth Dr Slop clearing up his looks as we are
in a condition to be of some service to Mrs Shandy to send up stairs to know
how she goes on
I have ordered answered my father the old midwife to come down to us upon
the least difficulty for you must know Dr Slop continued my father with
a perplexed kind of a smile upon his countenance that by express treaty
solemnly ratified between me and my wife you are no more than an auxiliary in
this affair and not so much as that unless the lean old mother of a
midwife above stairs cannot do without you Women have their particular
fancies and in points of this nature continued my father where they bear the
whole burden and suffer so much acute pain for the advantage of our families
and the good of the species they claim a right of deciding en Soveraines in
whose hands and in what fashion they chuse to undergo it
They are in the right of it quoth my uncle Toby But Sir replied Dr
Slop not taking notice of my uncle Tobys opinion but turning to my father
they had better govern in other points and a father of a family who wished
its perpetuity in my opinion had better exchange this prerogative with them
and give up some other rights in lieu of it I know not quoth my father
answering a little too testily to be quite dispassionate in what he said I
know not quoth he what we have left to give up in lieu of who shall bring our
children into the world unless that of who shall beget them One would
almost give up any thing replied Dr Slop I beg your pardon answered my
uncle Toby Sir replied Dr Slop it would astonish you to know what
Improvements we have made of late years in all branches of obstetrical
knowledge but particularly in that one single point of the safe and expeditious
extraction of the foetus which has received such lights that for my part
holding up his hands I declare I wonder how the world has I wish quoth my
uncle Toby you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders
Chap XIX
I have droppd the curtain over this scene for a minute to remind you of one
thing and to inform you of another
What I have to inform you comes I own a little out of its due course
for it should have been told a hundred and fifty pages ago but that I foresaw
then twould come in pat hereafter and be of more advantage here than
elsewhere Writers had need look before them to keep up the spirit and
connection of what they have in hand
When these two things are done the curtain shall be drawn up again and
my uncle Toby my father and Dr Slop shall go on with their discourse without
any more interruption
First then the matter which I have to remind you of is this that from
the specimens of singularity in my fathers notions in the point of
Christiannames and that other point previous thereto you was led I think
into an opinion and I am sure I said as much that my father was a gentleman
altogether as odd and whimsical in fifty other opinions In truth there was not
a stage in the life of man from the very first act of his begetting down to
the lean and slipperd pantaloon in his second childishness but he had some
favourite notion to himself springing out of it as sceptical and as far out
of the highway of thinking as these two which have been explained
Mr Shandy my father Sir would see nothing in the light in which others
placed it he placed things in his own light he would weigh nothing in
common scales no he was too refined a researcher to lay open to so gross
an imposition To come at the exact weight of things in the scientific
steelyard the fulcrum he would say should be almost invisible to avoid all
friction from popular tenets without this the minutiæ of philosophy which
should always turn the balance will have no weight at all Knowledge like
matter he would affirm was divisible in infinitum that the grains and
scruples were as much a part of it as the gravitation of the whole world In
a word he would say error was error no matter where it fell whether in
a fraction or a pound twas alike fatal to truth and she was kept down at
the bottom of her well as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterflys
wing as in the disk of the sun the moon and all the stars of heaven put
together
He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly and
of applying it skilfully to civil matters as well as to speculative truths
that so many things in this world were out of joint that the political arch
was giving way and that the very foundations of our excellent constitution in
church and state were so sappd as estimators had reported
You cry out he would say we are a ruined undone people Why he would
ask making use of the sorites or syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippus without
knowing it belonged to them Why why are we a ruined people Because we are
corrupted Whence is it dear Sir that we are corrupted Because we are
needy our poverty and not our wills consent And wherefore he would add
are we needy
From the neglect he would answer of our pence and our halfpence Our
bank notes Sir our guineas nay our shillings take care of themselves
Tis the same he would say throughout the whole circle of the sciences
the great the established points of them are not to be broke in upon The
laws of nature will defend themselves but error he would add looking
earnestly at my mother but error Sir creeps in thro the minute holes and
small crevices which human nature leaves unguarded
This turn of thinking in my father is what I had to remind you of The
point you are to be informed of and which I have reserved for this place is as
follows
Amongst the many and excellent reasons with which my father had urged my
mother to accept of Dr Slops assistance preferably to that of the old woman
there was one of a very singular nature which when he had done arguing the
matter with her as a Christian and came to argue it over again with her as a
philosopher he had put his whole strength to depending indeed upon it as his
sheet anchor It failed him tho from no defect in the argument itself but
that do what he could he was not able for his soul to make her comprehend the
drift of it Cursed luck said he to himself one afternoon as he walkd
out of the room after he had been stating it for an hour and a half to her to
no manner of purpose cursed luck said he biting his lip as he shut the
door for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in
nature and have a wife at the same time with such a headpiece that he
cannot hang up a single inference within side of it to save his soul from
destruction
This argument tho it was intirely lost upon my mother had more weight
with him than all his other arguments joined together I will therefore
endeavour to do it justice and set it forth with all the perspicuity I am
master of
My father set out upon the strength of these two following axioms
First That an ounce of a mans own wit was worth a tun of other peoples
and
Secondly Which by the bye was the ground of the first axiom tho it
comes last That every mans wit must come from every mans own soul and no
other bodys
Now as it was plain to my father that all souls were by nature equal
and that the great difference between the most acute and the most obtuse
understanding was from no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinking
substance above or below another but arose merely from the lucky or unlucky
organization of the body in that part where the soul principally took up her
residence he had made it the subject of his enquiry to find out the
identical place
Now from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter he was
satisfied it could not be where Des Cartes had fixed it upon the top of the
pineal gland of the brain which as he philosophised formd a cushion for her
about the size of a marrow pea tho to speak the truth as so many nerves did
terminate all in that one place twas no bad conjecture and my father had
certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into the center of the
mistake had it not been for my uncle Toby who rescued him out of it by a
story he told him of a Walloon Officer at the battle of Landen who had one part
of his brain shot away by a musketball and another part of it taken out
after by a French surgeon and after all recovered and did his duty very well
without it
If death said my father reasoning with himself is nothing but the
separation of the soul from the body and if it is true that people can walk
about and do their business without brains then certes the soul does not
inhabit there QED
As for that certain very thin subtle and very fragrant juice which
Coglionissimo Borri the great Milaneze physician affirms in a letter to
Bartholine to have discovered in the cellulæ of the occipital parts of the
cerebellum and which he likewise affirms to be the principal seat of the
reasonable soul for you must know in these latter and more enlightened ages
there are two souls in every man living the one according to the great
Metheglingius being called the Animus the other the Anima as for this
opinion I say of Borri my father could never subscribe to it by any means
the very idea of so noble so refined so immaterial and so exalted a being as
the Anima or even the Animus taking up her residence and sitting dabbling
like a tadpole all day long both summer and winter in a puddle or in a
liquid of any kind how thick or thin soever he would say shockd his
imagination he would scarce give the doctrine a hearing
What therefore seemd the least liable to objections of any was that the
chief sensorium or headquarters of the soul and to which place all
intelligences were referred and from whence all her mandates were issued was
in or near the cerebellum or rather somewhere about the medulla oblongata
wherein it was generally agreed by Dutch anatomists that all the minute nerves
from all the organs of the seven senses concentered like streets and winding
alleys into a square
So far there was nothing singular in my fathers opinion he had the best
of philosophers of all ages and climates to go along with him But here he
took a road of his own setting up another Shandean hypothesis upon these
cornerstones they had laid for him and which said hypothesis equally stood
its ground whether the subtilty and fineness of the soul depended upon the
temperature and clearness of the said liquor or of the finer network and
texture in the cerebellum itself which opinion he favoured
He maintained that next to the due care to be taken in the act of
propagation of each individual which required all the thought in the world as
it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture in which wit memory
fancy eloquence and what is usually meant by the name of good natural parts
do consist that next to this and his Christianname which were the two
original and most efficacious causes of all that the third cause or rather
what logicians call the Causa sine quâ non and without which all that was done
was of no manner of significance was the preservation of this delicate and
finespun web from the havock which was generally made in it by the violent
compression and crush which the head was made to undergo by the nonsensical
method of bringing us into the world by that part foremost
This requires explanation
My father who dippd into all kinds of books upon looking into Lithopædus
Senonesis de Partu difficili4 published by Adrianus Smelvogt had found out
That the lax and pliable state of a childs head in parturition the bones of
the cranium having no sutures at that time was such that by force of the
womans efforts which in strong labourpains was equal upon an average to a
weight of 470 pounds averdupois acting perpendicularly upon it it so
happened that in 49 instances out of 50 the said head was compressed and
moulded into the shape of an oblong conical piece of dough such as a
pastrycook generally rolls up in order to make a pye of Good God cried my
father what havock and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and
tender texture of the cerebellum Or if there is such a juice as Borri
pretends is it not enough to make the clearest liquor in the world both
feculent and mothery
But how great was his apprehension when he further understood that this
force acting upon the very vertex of the head not only injured the brain
itself or cerebrum but that it necessarily squeezd and propelld the
cerebrum towards the cerebellum which was the immediate seat of the
understanding Angels and Ministers of grace defend us cried my father
can any soul withstand this shock No wonder the intellectual web is so rent
and tatterd as we see it and that so many of our best heads are no better than
a puzzled skein of silk all perplexity all confusion within side
But when my father read on and was let into the secret that when a child
was turnd topsyturvy which was easy for an operator to do and was extracted
by the feet that instead of the cerebrum being propelld towards the
cerebellum the cerebellum on the contrary was propelld simply towards the
cerebrum where it could do no manner of hurt By heavens cried he the world
is in a conspiracy to drive out what little wit God has given us and the
professors of the obstetrick art are listed into the same conspiracy What is
it to me which end of my son comes foremost into the world provided all goes
right after and his cerebellum escapes uncrushed
It is the nature of an hypothesis when once a man has conceived it that it
assimilates every thing to itself as proper nourishment and from the first
moment of your begetting it it generally grows the stronger by every thing you
see hear read or understand This is of great use
When my father was gone with this about a month there was scarce a
phænomenon of stupidity or of genius which he could not readily solve by it
it accounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in the family
Poor Devil he would say he made way for the capacity of his younger
brothers It unriddled the observation of drivellers and monstrous heads
shewing a priori it could not be otherwise unless I dont know
what It wonderfully explaind and accounted for the acumen of the Asiatick
genius and that sprightlier turn and a more penetrating intuition of minds in
warmer climates not from the loose and commonplace solution of a clearer sky
and a more perpetual sunshine etc which for aught he knew might as well
rarify and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing by one extreme as
they are condensed in colder climates by the other but he traced up to its
springhead shewd that in warmer climates nature had laid a lighter tax
upon the fairest parts of the creation their pleasures more the necessity
of their pains less insomuch that the pressure and resistance upon the vertex
was so slight that the whole organization of the cerebellum was preserved
nay he did not believe in natural births that so much as a single thread of
the network was broke or displaced so that the soul might just act as she
liked
When my father had got so far what a blaze of light did the accounts of
the Cæsarian section and of the towering geniuses who had come safe into the
world by it cast upon this hypothesis Here you see he would say there was no
injury done to the sensorium no pressure of the head against the pelvis no
propulsion of the cerebrum towards the cerebellum either by the os pubis on
this side or the os coxcygis on that and pray what were the happy
consequences Why Sir your Julius Cæsar who gave the operation a name and
your Hermes Trismegistus who was born so before ever the operation had a name
your Scipio Africanus your Manlius Torquatus our Edward the sixth who
had he lived would have done the same honour to the hypothesis These and
many more who figurd high in the annals of fame all came sideway Sir
into the world
This incision of the abdomen and uterus ran for six weeks together in my
fathers head he had read and was satisfied that wounds in the epigastrium
and those in the matrix were not mortal so that the belly of the mother
might be opened extremely well to give a passage to the child He mentioned
the thing one afternoon to my mother merely as a matter of fact but seeing
her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it as much as the operation
flattered his hopes he thought it as well to say no more of it contenting
himself with admiring what he thought was to no purpose to propose
This was my father Mr Shandys hypothesis concerning which I have only to
add that my brother Bobby did as great honour to it whatever he did to the
family as any one of the great heroes we spoke of For happening not only to
be christend as I told you but to be born too when my father was at Epsom
being moreover my mothers first child coming into the world with his head
foremost and turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful slow parts my
father spelt all these together into his opinion and as he had failed at one
end he was determined to try the other
This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood who are not easily
to be put out of their way and was therefore one of my fathers great reasons
in favour of a man of science whom he could better deal with
Of all men in the world Dr Slop was the fittest for my fathers purpose
for tho his newinvented forceps was the armour he had proved and what he
maintained to be the safest instrument of deliverance yet it seems he had
scattered a word or two in his book in favour of the very thing which ran in my
fathers fancy tho not with a view to the souls good in extracting by the
feet as was my fathers system but for reasons merely obstetrical
This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr Slop in the
ensuing discourse which went a little hard against my uncle Toby In what
manner a plain man with nothing but common sense could bear up against two
such allies in science is hard to conceive You may conjecture upon it if
you please and whilst your imagination is in motion you may encourage it to
go on and discover by what causes and effects in nature it could come to pass
that my uncle Toby got his modesty by the wound he received upon his groin
You may raise a system to account for the loss of my nose by marriage articles
and shew the world how it could happen that I should have the misfortune to
be called TRISTRAM in opposition to my fathers hypothesis and the wish of the
whole family Godfathers and Godmothers not excepted These with fifty other
points left yet unravelled you may endeavour to solve if you have time but I
tell you beforehand it will be in vain for not the sage Alquise the
magician in Don Belianis of Greece nor the no less famous Urganda the
sorceress his wife were they alive could pretend to come within a league of
the truth
The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these matters
till the next year when a series of things will be laid open which he little
expects
End of the Second Volume
Volume III
Multitudinis imperitæ non formido judicia meis tamen rogo parcant
opusculis in quibus fuit propositi semper a jocis ad seria a
seriis vicissim ad jocos transire
Joan Saresberiensis
Episcopus Lugdun
Chap I
»I Wish Dr Slop« quoth my uncle Toby repeating his wish for Dr Slop a
second time and with a degree of more zeal and earnestness in his manner of
wishing than he had wished it at first5 »I wish Dr Slop« quoth my uncle
Toby »you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders«
My uncle Tobys wish did Dr Slop a disservice which his heart never
intended any man Sir it confounded him and thereby putting his ideas
first into confusion and then to flight he could not rally them again for the
soul of him
In all disputes male or female whether for honour for profit or for
love it makes no difference in the case nothing is more dangerous madam
than a wish coming sideways in this unexpected manner upon a man the safest way
in general to take off the force of the wish is for the party wished at
instantly to get up upon his legs and wish the wisher something in return of
pretty near the same value so balancing the account upon the spot you stand
as you were nay sometimes gain the advantage of the attack by it
This will be fully illustrated to the world in my chapter of wishes
Dr Slop did not understand the nature of this defence he was puzzled
with it and it put an entire stop to the dispute for four minutes and a half
five had been fatal to it my father saw the danger the dispute was one
of the most interesting disputes in the world »Whether the child of his prayers
and endeavours should be born without a head or with one« he waited to the
last moment to allow Dr Slop in whose behalf the wish was made his right of
returning it but perceiving I say that he was confounded and continued
looking with that perplexed vacuity of eye which puzzled souls generally stare
with first in my uncle Tobys face then in his then up then down
then east east and by east and so on coasting it along by the plinth of
the wainscot till he had got to the opposite point of the compass and that he
had actually begun to count the brass nails upon the arm of his chair my
father thought there was no time to be lost with my uncle Toby so took up the
discourse as follows
Chap II
»What prodigious armies you had in Flanders«
Brother Toby replied my father taking his wig from off his head with his
right hand and with his left pulling out a striped India handkerchief from his
right coat pocket in order to rub his head as he argued the point with my
uncle Toby
Now in this I think my father was much to blame and I will give you my
reasons for it
Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves than »Whether my
father should have taken off his wig with his right hand or with his left«
have divided the greatest kingdoms and made the crowns of the monarchs who
governed them to totter upon their heads But need I tell you Sir that the
circumstances with which every thing in this world is begirt give every thing
in this world its size and shape and by tightening it or relaxing it this
way or that make the thing to be what it is great little good bad
indifferent or not indifferent just as the case happens
As my fathers India handkerchief was in his right coat pocket he should by
no means have suffered his right hand to have got engaged on the contrary
instead of taking off his wig with it as he did he ought to have committed
that entirely to the left and then when the natural exigency my father was
under of rubbing his head calld out for his handkerchief he would have had
nothing in the world to have done but to have put his right hand into his right
coat pocket and taken it out which he might have done without any violence
or the least ungraceful twist in any one tendon or muscle of his whole body
In this case unless indeed my father had been resolved to make a fool of
himself by holding the wig stiff in his left hand or by making some
nonsensical angle or other at his elbow joint or armpit his whole attitude
had been easy natural unforced Reynolds himself as great and gracefully as
he paints might have painted him as he sat
Now as my father managed this matter consider what a devil of a figure
my father made of himself
In the latter end of Queen Annes reign and in the beginning of the reign
of King George the first »Coat pockets were cut very low down in the skirt«
I need say no more the father of mischief had he been hammering at it a
month could not have contrived a worse fashion for one in my fathers
situation
Chap III
It was not an easy matter in any kings reign unless you were as lean a
subject as myself to have forced your hand diagonally quite across your whole
body so as to gain the bottom of your opposite coatpocket In the year one
thousand seven hundred and eighteen when this happened it was extremely
difficult so that when my uncle Toby discovered the transverse zigzaggery of
my fathers approaches towards it it instantly brought into his mind those he
had done duty in before the gate of St Nicolas the idea of which drew off
his attention so entirely from the subject in debate that he had got his right
hand to the bell to ring up Trim to go and fetch his map of Namur and his
compasses and sector along with it to measure the returning angles of the
traverses of that attack but particularly of that one where he received his
wound upon his groin
My father knit his brows and as he knit them all the blood in his body
seemed to rush up into his face my uncle Toby dismounted immediately
I did not apprehend your uncle Toby was ohorseback
Chap IV
A mans body and his mind with the utmost reverence to both I speak it are
exactly like a jerkin and a jerkins lining rumple the one you rumple the
other There is one certain exception however in this case and that is when
you are so fortunate a fellow as to have had your jerkin made of a gumtaffeta
and the bodylining to it of a sarcenet or thin persian
Zeno Cleanthes Diogenes Babylonius Dyonisius Heracleotes Antipater
Panætius and Possidonius amongst the Greeks Cato and Varro and Seneca amongst
the Romans Pantenus and Clemens Alexandrinus and Montaigne amongst the
Christians and a score and a half of good honest unthinking Shandean people
as ever lived whose names I cant recollect all pretended that their jerkins
were made after this fashion you might have rumpled and crumpled and
doubled and creased and fretted and fridged the outsides of them all to pieces
in short you might have played the very devil with them and at the same
time not one of the insides of em would have been one button the worse for
all you had done to them
I believe in my conscience that mine is made up somewhat after this sort
for never poor jerkin has been tickled off at such a rate as it has been these
last nine months together and yet I declare the lining to it as far as I
am a judge of the matter it is not a threepenny piece the worse pell mell
helter skelter ding dong cut and thrust back stroke and fore stroke side way
and long way have they been trimming it for me had there been the least
gumminess in my lining by heaven it had all of it long ago been frayd and
fretted to a thread
You Messrs the monthly Reviewers how could you cut and slash my
jerkin as you did how did you know but you would cut my lining too
Heartily and from my soul to the protection of that Being who will injure
none of us do I recommend you and your affairs so God bless you only
next month if any one of you should gnash his teeth and storm and rage at me
as some of you did last MAY in which I remember the weather was very hot
dont be exasperated if I pass it by again with good temper being
determined as long as I live or write which in my case means the same thing
never to give the honest gentleman a worse word or a worse wish than my uncle
Toby gave the fly which buzzd about his nose all dinner time »Go go
poor devil« quoth he » get thee gone why should I hurt thee This world
is surely wide enough to hold both thee and me«
Chap V
Any man madam reasoning upwards and observing the prodigious suffusion of
blood in my fathers countenance by means of which as all the blood in his
body seemed to rush up into his face as I told you he must have reddend
pictorically and scientintically speaking six whole tints and a half if not a
full octave above his natural colour any man madam but my uncle Toby who
had observed this together with the violent knitting of my fathers brows and
the extravagant contortion of his body during the whole affair would have
concluded my father in a rage and taking that for granted had he been a
lover of such kind of concord as arises from two such instruments being put into
exact tune he would instantly have skrewd up his to the same pitch and
then the devil and all had broke loose the whole piece madam must have been
played off like the sixth of Avison Scarlatti con furia like mad Grant
me patience What has con furia con strepito or any other hurlyburly
word whatever to do with harmony
Any man I say madam but my uncle Toby the benignity of whose heart
interpreted every motion of the body in the kindest sense the motion would admit
of would have concluded my father angry and blamed him too My uncle Toby
blamed nothing but the taylor who cut the pockethole so sitting still till
my father had got his handkerchief out of it and looking all the time up in his
face with inexpressible good will my father at length went on as follows
Chap VI
»What prodigious armies you had in Flanders«
Brother Toby quoth my father I do believe thee to be as honest a man
and with as good and as upright a heart as ever God created nor is it thy
fault if all the children which have been may can shall will or ought to be
begotten come with their heads foremost into the world but believe me dear
Toby the accidents which unavoidably waylay them not only in the article of
our begetting em though these in my opinion are well worth considering
but the dangers and difficulties our children are beset with after they are got
forth into the world are enow little need is there to expose them to
unnecessary ones in their passage to it Are these dangers quoth my uncle
Toby laying his hand upon my fathers knee and looking up seriously in his
face for an answer are these dangers greater now o days brother than in
times past Brother Toby answered my father if a child was but fairly begot
and born alive and healthy and the mother did well after it our
forefathers never looked further My uncle Toby instantly withdrew his hand
from off my fathers knee reclined his body gently back in his chair raised
his head till he could just see the cornish of the room and then directing the
buccinatory muscles along his cheeks and the orbicular muscles around his lips
to do their duty he whistled Lillabullero
Chap VII
Whilst my uncle Toby was whistling Lillabullero to my father Dr Slop was
stamping and cursing and damning at Obadiah at a most dreadful rate it
would have done your heart good and cured you Sir for ever of the vile sin
of swearing to have heard him I am determined therefore to relate the whole
affair to you
When Dr Slops maid delivered the green bays bag with her masters
instruments in it to Obadiah she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head
and one arm through the strings and ride with it slung across his body so
undoing the bowknot to lengthen the strings for him without any more ado she
helped him on with it However as this in some measure unguarded the mouth of
the bag lest any thing should bolt out in galloping back at the speed Obadiah
threatened they consulted to take it off again and in the great care and
caution of their hearts they had taken the two strings and tied them close
pursing up the mouth of the bag first with half a dozen hard knots each of
which Obadiah to make all safe had twitched and drawn together with all the
strength of his body
This answered all that Obadiah and the maid intended but was no remedy
against some evils which neither he or she foresaw The instruments it seems
as tight as the bag was tied above had so much room to play in it towards the
bottom the shape of the bag being conical that Obadiah could not make a trot
of it but with such a terrible jingle what with the tiretête forceps and
squirt as would have been enough had Hymen been taking a jaunt that way to
have frightened him out of the country but when Obadiah accelerated this
motion and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coachhorse into a full
gallop by heaven Sir the jingle was incredible
As Obadiah had a wife and three children the turpitude of fornication and
the many other political ill consequences of this jingling never once entered
his brain he had however his objection which came home to himself and
weighed with him as it has ofttimes done with the greatest patriots »The
poor fellow Sir was not able to hear himself whistle«
Chap VIII
As Obadiah loved wind musick preferably to all the instrumental musick he
carried with him he very considerately set his imagination to work to
contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of
enjoying it
In all distresses except musical where small cords are wanted nothing
is so apt to enter a mans head as his hatband the philosophy of this is
so near the surface I scorn to enter into it
As Obadiahs was a mixd case mark Sirs I say a mixd case for it
was obstretical scriptical squirtical papistical and as far as the
coachhorse was concerned in it caballistical and only partly musical
Obadiah made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient which
offered so taking hold of the bag and instruments and griping them hard
together with one hand and with the finger and thumb of the other putting the
end of the hatband betwixt his teeth and then slipping his hand down to the
middle of it he tied and crosstied them all fast together from one end to
the other as you would cord a trunk with such a multiplicity of roundabouts
and intricate cross turns with a hard knot at every intersection or point where
the strings met that Dr Slop must have had three fifths of Jobs patience at
least to have unloosed them I think in my conscience that had NATURE been in
one of her nimble moods and in humour for such a contest and she and Dr
Slop both fairly started together there is no man living who had seen the bag
with all that Obadiah had done to it and known likewise the great speed the
goddess can make when she thinks proper who would have had the least doubt
remaining in his mind which of the two would have carried off the prize My
mother madam had been delivered sooner than the green bag infallibly at
least by twenty knots Sport of small accidents Tristram Shandy that thou
art and ever will be had that trial been made for thee and it was fifty to
one but it had thy affairs had not been so depressd at least by the
depression of thy nose as they have been nor had the fortunes of thy house and
the occasions of making them which have so often presented themselves in the
course of thy life to thee been so often so vexatiously so tamely so
irrecoverably abandoned as thou hast been forced to leave them but tis
over all but the account of em which cannot be given to the curious till I
am got out into the world
Chap IX
Great wits jump for the moment Dr Slop cast his eyes upon his bag which he
had not done till the dispute with my uncle Toby about midwifery put him in mind
of it the very same thought occurred Tis Gods mercy quoth he to
himself that Mrs Shandy has had so bad a time of it else she might have
been brought to bed seven times told before one half of these knots could have
got untied But here you must distinguish the thought floated only in Dr
Slops mind without sail or ballast to it as a simple proposition millions of
which as your worship knows are every day swimming quietly in the middle of
the thin juice of a mans understanding without being carried backwards or
forwards till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side
A sudden trampling in the room above near my mothers bed did the
proposition the very service I am speaking of By all thats unfortunate quoth
Dr Slop unless I make haste the thing will actually befall me as it is
Chap X
In the case of knots by which in the first place I would not be understood
to mean slipknots because in the course of my life and opinions my
opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the
catastrophe of my great uncle Mr Hammond Shandy a little man but of
high fancy he rushed into the duke of Monmouths affair nor secondly
in this place do I mean that particular species of knots called bowknots
there is so little address or skill or patience required in the unloosing
them that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them But by the
knots I am speaking of may it please your reverences to believe that I mean
good honest devilish tight hard knots made bona fide as Obadiah made his
in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of
the two ends of the strings through the annulus or noose made by the second
implication of them to get them slippd and undone by I hope you apprehend
me
In the case of these knots then and of the several obstructions which may
it please your reverences such knots cast in our way in getting through life
every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them Tis wrong
Believe me Sirs the most virtuous way and which both reason and conscience
dictate is to take our teeth or our fingers to them Dr Slop had lost his
teeth his favourite instrument by extracting in a wrong direction or by some
misapplication of it unfortunately slipping he had formerly in a hard labour
knockd out three of the best of them with the handle of it he tried his
fingers alas the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close The deuce
take it I can make nothing of it either way cried Dr Slop The trampling
over head near my mothers bed side increased Pox take the fellow I shall
never get the knots untied as long as I live My mother gave a groan Lend me
your penknife I must een cut the knots at lastpughpsgaLord I have
cut my thumb quite across to the very bone curse the fellow if there was
not another man midwife within fifty miles I am undone for this bout I wish
the scoundrel hangd I wish he was shot I wish all the devils in hell had
him for a blockhead
My father had a great respect for Obadiah and could not bear to hear him
disposed of in such a manner he had moreover some little respect for himself
and could as ill bear with the indignity offerd to himself in it
Had Dr Slop cut any part about him but his thumb my father had passd
it by his prudence had triumphed as it was he was determined to have his
revenge
Small curses Dr Slop upon great occasions quoth my father condoling
with him first upon the accident are but so much waste of our strength and
souls health to no manner of purpose I own it replied Dr Slop They are
like sparrow shot quoth my uncle Toby suspending his whistling fired against
a bastion They serve continued my father to stir the humours but carry
off none of their acrimony for my own part I seldom swear or curse at all
I hold it bad but if I fall into it by surprize I generally retain so much
presence of mind right quoth my uncle Toby as to make it answer my purpose
that is I swear on till I find myself easy A wise and a just man however
would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours not only
to the degree of them stirring within himself but to the size and ill intent
of the offence upon which they are to fall »Injuries come only from the
heart« quoth my uncle Toby For this reason continued my father with the
most Cervantick gravity I have the greatest veneration in the world for that
gentleman who in distrust of his own discretion in this point sat down and
composed that is at his leisure fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases
from the lowest to the highest provocations which could possibly happen to him
which forms being well considerd by him and such moreover as he could stand
to he kept them ever by him on the chimney piece within his reach ready for
use I never apprehended replied Dr Slop that such a thing was ever
thought of much less executed I beg your pardon answered my father I was
reading though not using one of them to my brother Toby this morning whilst
he pourd out the tea tis here upon the shelf over my head but if I
remember right tis too violent for a cut of the thumb Not at all quoth
Dr Slop the devil take the fellow Then answered my father Tis much at
your service Dr Slop on condition you will read it aloud so rising up
and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome a copy of
which my father who was curious in his collections had procured out of the
legerbook of the church of Rochester writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop with a
most affected seriousness of look and voice which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS
himself he put it into Dr Slops hands Dr Slop wrapt his thumb up in the
corner of his handkerchief and with a wry face though without any suspicion
read aloud as follows my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero as loud as he
could all the time
Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi per Ernulfum Episcopum
Cap XXV
Excommunicatio6
Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis Patris et Filij et Spiritus Sancti et
sanctorum canonum sanctæque et intemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariæ
Atque omnium coelestium virtutum angelorum archangelorum thronorum
dominationum potestatuum cherubin ac seraphin amp sanctorum patriarchum
prophetarum amp omnium apostolorum et evangelistarum amp sanctorum
innocentum qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare
novum et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum et sanctarum virginum
atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei Excommunicamus et
anathematizamus huncos furems vel huncos malefactorems N N et a
liminibus sanctæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus et æternis suppliciis excruciandusi
mancipentur cum Dathan et Abiram et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo Recede
à nobis scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus et sicut aquâ ignis extinguitur sic
extinguatur lucerna ejuseorum in secula seculorum nisi respuerint et ad
satisfactionem venerint Amen
Maledicat illumos Deus Pater qui hominem creavit Maledicat illumos Dei
Filius qui pro homine passus est Maledicat illumos Spiritus Sanctus qui in
baptismo effusus est Maledicat illumos sancta crux quam Christus pro nostrâ
salute hostem triumphans ascendit
Maledicat illumos sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria Maledicat
illumos sanctus Michael animarum susceptor sacrarum Maledicant illumos omnes
angeli et archangeli principatus et potestates omnisque militia coelestis
Maledicat illumos patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis numerus
Maledicat illumos sanctus Johannes præcursor et Baptista Christi et sanctus
Petrus et sanctus Paulus atque sanctus Andreas omnesque Christi apostoli
simul et cæteri discipuli quatuor quoque evangelistæ qui sua prædicatione
mundum universum converterunt Maledicat illumos cuneus martyrum et confessorum
mirificus qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est
Maledicant illumos sacrarum virginum chori quæ mundi vana causa honoris
Christi respuenda contempserunt Maledicant illumos omnes sancti qui ab initio
mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti inveniuntur
Maledicant illumos coeli et terra et omnia sancta in eis manentia
Maledictusi sitsint ubicunque fuerint sive in domo sive in agro sive
in viâ sive in semitâ sive in silvâ sive in aquâ sive in ecclesiâ
Maledictusi sitsint vivendo moriendo
manducando
bibendo esuriendo sitiendo jejunando dormitando dormiendo vigilando
ambulando stando sedendo jacendo operando quiescendo mingendo cacando
flebotomando
Maledictusi sitsint in totis viribus corporis
Maledictusi sitsint intus et exterius
Maledictusi sitsint in capillis maledictus sinnt in cerebro
Maledictusi sitsint in vertice in temporibus in fronte in auriculis in
superciliis in oculis in genis in maxillis in naribus in dentibus
mordacibus in labris sive molibus in labiis in guttere in humeris in
harnis in brachiis in manubus in digitus in pectore in corde et in omnibus
interioribus stomacho tenus in renibus in inguinibus in femore in
genitalibus
in coxis in genubus in cruribus in pedibus et in unguibus
Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum a vertice capitis usque ad
plantam pedis non sit in eo sanitas
Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suæ majestatis imperio
et insurgat adversus illum coelum cum omnibus virtutibus quæ in eo moventur
ad damnandum eum nisi penituerit et ad satisfactionem venerit Amen Fiat
fiat Amen
Chap XI
»By the authority of God Almighty the Father Son and Holy Ghost and of the
holy canons and of the undefiled Virgin Mary mother and patroness of our
Saviour« I think there is no necessity quoth Dr Slop dropping the paper down
to his knee and addressing himself to my father as you have read it over
Sir so lately to read it aloud and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great
inclination to hear it I may as well read it to myself Thats contrary to
treaty replied my father besides there is something so whimsical
especially in the latter part of it I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a
second reading Dr Slop did not altogether like it but my uncle Toby
offering at that instant to give over whistling and read it himself to them
Dr Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle Tobys
whistling as suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone so raising up the paper
to his face and holding it quite parallel to it in order to hide his chagrin
he read it aloud as follows my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero though
not quite so loud as before
»By the authority of God Almighty the Father Son and Holy Ghost and of
the undefiled Virgin Mary mother and patroness of our Saviour and of all the
celestial virtues angels archangels thrones dominions powers cherubins and
seraphins and of all the holy patriarchs prophets and of all the apostles and
evangelists and of the holy innocents who in the sight of the holy Lamb are
found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors and
of the holy virgins and of all the saints together with the holy and elect of
God May he« Obadiah »be damnd« for tying these knots »We
excommunicate and anathematise him and from the thresholds of the holy church
of God Almighty we sequester him that he may be tormented disposed and
delivered over with Dathan and Abiram and with those who say unto the Lord God
Depart from us we desire none of thy ways And as fire is quenched with water
so let the light of him be put out for evermore unless it shall repent him«
Obadiah of the knots which he had tied »and make satisfaction« for them
Amen
»May the Father who created man curse him May the Son who suffered for
us curse him May the Holy Ghost who was given to us in baptism curse him«
Obadiah »May the holy cross which Christ for our salvation triumphing over
his enemies ascended curse him
»May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary mother of God curse him May St
Michael the advocate of holy souls curse him May all the angels and
archangels principalities and powers and all the heavenly armies curse him«
Our armies swore terribly in Flanders cried my uncle Toby but nothing to
this For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so
»May St John the præcursor and St John the Baptist and St Peter and
St Paul and St Andrew and all other Christs apostles together curse him
And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists who by their preaching
converted the universal world and may the holy and wonderful company of
martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God
Almighty curse him« Obadiah
»May the holy choir of the holy virgins who for the honour of Christ have
despised the things of the world damn him May all the saints who from the
beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God damn
him May the heavens and earth and all the holy things remaining therein
damn him« Obadiah »or her« or whoever else had a hand in tying these
knots
»May he« Obadiah »be damnd wherever he be whether in the house or the
stables the garden or the field or the highway or in the path or in the
wood or in the water or in the church May he be cursed in living in
dying« Here my uncle Toby taking the advantage of a minim in the second barr
of his tune kept whistling one continual note to the end of the sentence Dr
Slop with his division of curses moving under him like a running bass all the
way »May he be cursed in eating and drinking in being hungry in being
thirsty in fasting in sleeping in slumbering in walking in standing in
sitting in lying in working in resting in pissing in shitting and in
bloodletting«
»May he« Obadiah »be cursed in all the faculties of his body«
»May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly May he be cursed in the hair of
his head May he be cursed in his brains and in his vertex« that is a sad
curse quoth my father »in his temples in his forehead in his ears in his
eyebrows in his cheeks in his jawbones in his nostrils in his foreteeth
and grinders in his lips in his throat in his shoulders in his wrists in
his arms in his hands in his fingers«
»May he be damnd in his mouth in his breast in his heart and purtenance
down to the very stomach«
»May he be cursed in his reins and in his groin« God in heaven forbid
quoth my uncle Toby »in his thighs in his genitals« my father shook his
head »and in his hips and in his knees his legs and feet and toenails«
»May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members from
the top of his head to the soal of his foot may there be no soundness in him«
»May the Son of the living God with all the glory of his Majesty« Here
my uncle Toby throwing back his head gave a monstrous long loud Whewww
something betwixt the interjectional whistle of Hey day and the word itself
By the golden beard of Jupiter and of Juno if her majesty wore one
and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships which by the bye was no
small number since what with the beards of your celestial gods and gods aerial
and acquatick to say nothing of the beards of towngods and countrygods or
of the celestial goddesses your wives or of the infernal goddesses your whores
and concubines that is in case they wore em all which beards as Varro
tells me upon his word and honour when mustered up together made no less than
thirty thousand effective beards upon the pagan establishment every beard of
which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroked and sworn by by all
these beards together then I vow and protest that of the two bad cassocks I
am worth in the world I would have given the better of them as freely as ever
Cid Hamet offered his only to have stood by and heard my uncle Tobys
accompanyment
»Curse him« continued Dr Slop »and may heaven with all the
powers which move therein rise up against him curse and damn him« Obadiah
»unless he repent and make satisfaction Amen So be it so be it Amen«
I declare quoth my uncle Toby my heart would not let me curse the devil
himself with so much bitterness He is the father of curses replied Dr
Slop So am not I replied my uncle But he is cursed and damnd already
to all eternity replied Dr Slop
I am sorry for it quoth my uncle Toby
Dr Slop drew up his mouth and was just beginning to return my uncle Toby
the compliment of his Whuuu or interjectional whistle when the door
hastily opening in the next chapter but one put an end to the affair
Chap XII
Now dont let us give ourselves a parcel of airs and pretend that the oaths we
make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own and because we have
the spirit to swear them imagine that we have had the wit to invent them
too
Ill undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world except to a
connoisseur though I declare I object only to a connoisseur in swearing
as I would do to a connoisseur in painting etc etc the whole set of em are
so hung round and befetishd with the bobs and trinkets of criticism or to
drop my metaphor which by the bye is a pity for I have fetchd it as far
from the coast of Guinea their heads Sir are stuck so full of rules and
compasses and have that eternal propensity to apply them upon all occasions
that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once than stand to be
prickd and tortured to death by em
And how did Garrick speak the soliloquy last night Oh against all
rule my Lord most ungrammatically betwixt the substantive and the
adjective which should agree together in number case and gender he made a
breach thus stopping as if the point wanted settling and betwixt the
nominative case which your lordship knows should govern the verb he suspended
his voice in the epilogue a dozen times three seconds and three fifths by a
stopwatch my Lord each time Admirable grammarian But in suspending
his voice was the sense suspended likewise Did no expression of attitude or
countenance fill up the chasm Was the eye silent Did you narrowly look I
lookd only at the stopwatch my Lord Excellent observer
And what of this new book the whole world makes such a rout about Oh
tis out of all plumb my Lord quite an irregular thing not one of the
angles at the four corners was a right angle I had my rule and compasses
etc my Lord in my pocket Excellent critic
And for the epick poem your lordship bid me look at upon taking the
length breadth height and depth of it and trying them at home upon an exact
scale of Bossus tis out my Lord in every one of its dimensions
Admirable connoisseur
And did you step in to take a look at the grand picture in your way back
Tis a melancholy daub my Lord not one principle of the pyramid in any one
group and what a price for there is nothing of the colouring of Titian
the expression of Rubens the grace of Raphael the purity of
Dominichino the corregiescity of Corregio the learning of Poussin the
airs of Guido the taste of Carrachis or the grand contour of Angelo
Grant me patience just heaven Of all the cants which are canted in this
canting world though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst the cant of
criticism is the most tormenting
I would go fifty miles on foot for I have not a horse worth riding on to
kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his
imagination into his authors hands be pleased he knows not why and cares
not wherefore
Great Apollo if thou art in a giving humour give me I ask no more
but one stroke of native humour with a single spark of thy own fire along with
it and send Mercury with the rules and compasses if he can be spared with
my compliments to no matter
Now to any one else I will undertake to prove that all the oaths and
imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred
and fifty years last past as originals except St Pauls thumb Gods
flesh and Gods fish which were oaths monarchical and considering who made
them not much amiss and as kings oaths tis not much matter whether they were
fish or flesh else I say there is not an oath or at least a curse amongst
them which has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a thousand
times but like all other copies how infinitely short of the force and spirit
of the original It is thought to be no bad oath and by itself passes very
well »Gd damn you« Set it beside Ernulphuss »God Almighty the Father
damn you God the Son damn you God the Holy Ghost damn you« you see tis
nothing There is an orientality in his we cannot rise up to besides he is
more copious in his invention possessd more of the excellencies of a
swearer had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame its membranes
nerves ligaments knittings of the joints and articulations that when
Ernulphus cursed no part escaped him Tis true there is something of a
hardness in his manner and as in Michael Angelo a want of grace but
then there is such a greatness of gusto
My father who generally lookd upon every thing in a light very different
from all mankind would after all never allow this to be an original He
considerd rather Ernulphuss anathema as an institute of swearing in which
as he suspected upon the decline of swearing in some milder pontificate
Ernulphus by order of the succeeding pope had with great learning and
diligence collected all the laws of it for the same reason that Justinian in
the decline of the empire had ordered his chancellor Tribonian to collect the
Roman or civil laws all together into one code or digest lest through the
rust of time and the fatality of all things committed to oral tradition
they should be lost to the world for ever
For this reason my father would ofttimes affirm there was not an oath
from the great and tremendous oath of William the Conqueror By the splendour
of God down to the lowest oath of a scavenger Damn your eyes which was not
to be found in Ernulphus In short he would add I defy a man to swear out
of it
The hypothesis is like most of my fathers singular and ingenious too
nor have I any objection to it but that it overturns my own
Chap XIII
Bless my soul my poor mistress is ready to faint and her pains are
gone and the drops are done and the bottle of julap is broke and the
nurse hat cut her arm and I my thumb cried Dr Slop and the child is
where it was continued Susannah and the midwife has fallen backwards upon
the edge of the fender and bruised her hip as black as your hat Ill look
at it quoth Dr Slop There is no need of that replied Susannah you had
better look at my mistress but the midwife would gladly first give you an
account how things are so desires you would go up stairs and speak to her this
moment
Human nature is the same in all professions
The midwife had just before been put over Dr Slops head He had not
digested it No replied Dr Slop twould be full as proper if the midwife
came down to me I like subordination quoth my uncle Toby and but for it
after the reduction of Lisle I know not what might have become of the garrison
of Ghent in the mutiny for bread in the year Ten Nor replied Dr Slop
parodying my uncle Tobys hobbyhorsical reflection though full as
hobbyhorsically himself do I know Captain Shandy what might have become of
the garrison above stairs in the mutiny and confusion I find all things are in
at present but for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to
the application of which Sir under this accident of mine comes in so a
propos that without it the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by the
Shandy family as long as the Shandy family had a name
Chap XIV
Let us go back to the in the last chapter
It is a singular stroke of eloquence at least it was so when eloquence
flourished at Athens and Rome and would be so now did orators wear mantles
not to mention the name of a thing when you had the thing about you in petto
ready to produce pop in the place you want it A scar an axe a sword a
pinkddoublet a rusty helmet a pound and a half of potashes in an urn or a
threehalfpenny pickle pot but above all a tender infant royally accoutred
Tho if it was too young and the oration as long as Tullys second
Philippick it must certainly have beshit the orators mantle And then
again if too old it must have been unwieldy and incommodious to his action
so as to make him lose by his child almost as much as he could gain by it
Otherwise when a state orator has hit the precise age to a minute hid his
BAMBINO in his mantle so cunningly that no mortal could smell it and produced
it so critically that no soul could say it came in by head and shoulders
Oh Sirs it has done wonders It has opend the sluices and turnd the
brains and shook the principles and unhinged the politicks of half a nation
These feats however are not to be done except in those states and times I
say where orators wore mantles and pretty large ones too my brethren with
some twenty or five and twenty yards of good purple superfine marketable cloth
in them with large flowing folds and doubles and in a great stile of
design All which plainly shews may it please your worships that the decay
of eloquence and the little good service it does at present both within and
without doors is owing to nothing else in the world but short coats and the
disuse of trunkhose We can conceal nothing under ours Madam worth
shewing
Chap XV
Dr Slop was within an ace of being an exception to all this argumentation for
happening to have his green bays bag upon his knees when he began to parody my
uncle Toby twas as good as the best mantle in the world to him for which
purpose when he foresaw the sentence would end in his new invented forceps he
thrust his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in where your
reverences took so much notice of the which had he managed my
uncle Toby had certainly been overthrown the sentence and the argument in that
case jumping closely in one point so like the two lines which form the salient
angle of a raveline Dr Slop would never have given them up and my uncle
Toby would as soon thought of flying as taking them by force but Dr Slop
fumbled so vilely in pulling them out it took off the whole effect and what
was a ten times worse evil for they seldom come alone in this life in pulling
out his forceps his forceps unfortunately drew out the squirt along with it
When a proposition can be taken in two senses tis a law in disputation
That the respondent may reply to which of the two he pleases or finds most
convenient for him This threw the advantage of the argument quite on my
uncle Tobys side »Good God« cried my uncle Toby »are children brought
into the world with a squirt«
Chap XVI
Upon my honour Sir you have tore every bit of the skin quite off the back of
both my hands with your forceps cried my uncle Toby and you have crushd all
my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly Tis your own fault said
Dr Slop you should have clinchd your two fists together into the form of a
childs head as I told you and sat firm I did so answered my uncle Toby
Then the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently armd or the rivet
wants closing or else the cut on my thumb has made me a little aukward or
possibly Tis well quoth my father interrupting the detail of
possibilities that the experiment was not first made upon my childs head
piece It would not have been a cherry stone the worse answered Dr Slop I
maintain it said my uncle Toby it would have broke the cerebellum unless
indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado and turned it all into a perfect
posset Pshaw replied Dr Slop a childs head is naturally as soft as the pap
of an apple the sutures give way and besides I could have extracted by
the feet after Not you said she I rather wish you would begin that way
quoth my father
Pray do added my uncle Toby
Chap XVII
And pray good woman after all will you take upon you to say it may not be
the childs hip as well as the childs head Tis most certainly the head
replied the midwife Because continued Dr Slop turning to my father as
positive as these old ladies generally are tis a point very difficult to
know and yet of the greatest consequence to be known because Sir if the
hip is mistaken for the head there is a possibility if it is a boy that the
forceps
What the possibility was Dr Slop whispered very low to my father and
then to my uncle Toby There is no such danger continued he with the head
No in truth quoth my father but when your possibility has taken place at
the hip you may as well take off the head too
It is morally impossible the reader should understand this tis
enough Dr Slop understood it so taking the green bays bag in his hand with
the help of Obadiahs pumps he trippd pretty nimbly for a man of his size
across the room to the door and from the door was shown the way by the good
old midwife to my mothers apartment
Chap XVIII
It is two hours and ten minutes and no more cried my father looking at
his watch since Dr Slop and Obadiah arrived and I know not how it happens
brother Toby but to my imagination it seems almost an age
Here pray Sir take hold of my cap nay take the bell along with
it and my pantoufles too
Now Sir they are all at your service and I freely make you a present of
em on condition you give me all your attention to this chapter
Though my father said »he knew not how it happend« yet he knew very
well how it happend and at the instant he spoke it was predetermined in
his mind to give my uncle Toby a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical
dissertation upon the subject of duration and its simple modes in order to shew
my uncle Toby by what mechanism and mensurations in the brain it came to pass
that the rapid succession of their ideas and the eternal scampering of
discourse from one thing to another since Dr Slop had come into the room had
lengthened out so short a period to so inconceivable an extent »I know not
how it happens« cried my father »but it seems an age«
Tis owing entirely quoth my uncle Toby to the succession of our ideas
My father who had an itch in common with all philosophers of reasoning
upon every thing which happened and accounting for it too proposed infinite
pleasure to himself in this of the succession of ideas and had not the least
apprehension of having it snatchd out of his hands by my uncle Toby who
honest man generally took every thing as it happened and who of all men
in the world troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking the ideas
of time and space or how we came by those ideas or of what stuff they
were made or whether they were born with us or we pickd them up
afterwards as we went along or whether we did it in frocks or not till we
had got into breeches with a thousand other inquiries and disputes about
INFINITY PRESCIENCE LIBERTY NECESSITY and so forth upon whose desperate and
unconquerable theories so many fine heads have been turned and crackd never
did my uncle Tobys the least injury at all my father knew it and was no
less surprised than he was disappointed with my uncles fortuitous solution
Do you understand the theory of that affair replied my father
Not I quoth my uncle
But you have some ideas said my father of what you talk about
No more than my horse replied my uncle Toby
Gracious heaven cried my father looking upwards and clasping his two
hands together there is a worth in thy honest ignorance brother Toby
twere almost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge But Ill tell thee
To understand what time is aright without which we never can comprehend
infinity insomuch as one is a portion of the other we ought seriously to
sit down and consider what idea it is we have of duration so as to give a
satisfactory account how we came by it What is that to any body quoth my
uncle Toby7 For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind continued my
father and observe attentively you will perceive brother that whilst you and
I are talking together and thinking and smoaking our pipes or whilst we
receive successively ideas in our minds we know that we do exist and so we
estimate the existence or the continuation of the existence of ourselves or
any thing else commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds the
duration of ourselves or any such other thing co existing with our thinking
and so according to that preconceived You puzzle me to death cried my uncle
Toby
Tis owing to this replied my father that in our computations of time
we are so used to minutes hours weeks and months and of clocks I wish
there was not a clock in the kingdom to measure out their several portions to
us and to those who belong to us that twill be well if in time to come
the succession of our ideas be of any use or service to us at all
Now whether we observe it or no continued my father in every sound mans
head there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other which follow
each other in train just like A train of artillery said my uncle Toby A
train of a fiddle stick quoth my father which follow and succeed one
another in our minds at certain distances just like the images in the inside of
a lanthorn turned round by the heat of a candle I declare quoth my uncle
Toby mine are like a smoakjack Then brother Toby I have nothing more to
say to you upon the subject said my father
Chap XIX
What a conjuncture was here lost My father in one of his best explanatory
moods in eager pursuit of a metaphysics point into the very regions where
clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed it about my uncle Toby
in one of the finest dispositions for it in the world his head like a
smoakjack the funnel unswept and the ideas whirling round and round about
in it all obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter By the
tombstone of Lucian if it is in being if not why then by his ashes by
the ashes of my dear Rabelais and dearer Cervantes my father and my uncle
Tobys discourse upon TIME and ETERNITY was a discourse devoutly to be wished
for and the petulancy of my fathers humour in putting a stop to it as he did
was a robbery of the Ontologic treasury of such a jewel as no coalition of
great occasions and great men are ever likely to restore to it again
Chap XX
Tho my father persisted in not going on with the discourse yet he could not
get my uncle Tobys smoakjack out of his head piqued as he was at first with
it there was something in the comparison at the bottom which hit his fancy
for which purpose resting his elbow upon the table and reclining the right side
of his head upon the palm of his hand but looking first stedfastly in the
fire he began to commune with himself and philosophize about it but his
spirits being wore out with the fatigues of investigating new tracts and the
constant exertion of his faculties upon that variety of subjects which had taken
their turn in the discourse the idea of the smoakjack soon turned all his
ideas upside down so that he fell asleep almost before he knew what he was
about
As for my uncle Toby his smoakjack had not made a dozen revolutions
before he fell asleep also Peace be with them both Dr Slop is engaged
with the midwife and my mother above stairs Trim is busy in turning an old
pair of jackboots into a couple of mortars to be employed in the siege of
Messina next summer and is this instant boring the touch holes with the
point of a hot poker All my heroes are off my hands tis the first time
I have had a moment to spare and Ill make use of it and write my preface
The Authors Preface
No Ill not say a word about it here it is in publishing it I have
appealed to the world and to the world I leave it it must speak for
itself
All I know of the matter is when I sat down my intent was to write a
good book and as far as the tenuity of my understanding would hold out a
wise aye and a discreet taking care only as I went along to put into it
all the wit and the judgment be it more or less which the great Author and
Bestower of them had thought fit originally to give me so that as your
worships see tis just as God pleases
Now Agalastes speaking dispraisingly sayeth That there may be some wit
in it for aught he knows but no judgment at all And Triptolemus and
Phutatorius agreeing thereto ask How is it possible there should for that wit
and judgment in this world never go together inasmuch as they are two
operations differing from each other as wide as east is from west So says
Locke so are farting and hickuping say I But in answer to this Didius the
great church lawyer in his code de fartandi et illustrandi fallaciis doth
maintain and make fully appear That an illustration is no argument nor do I
maintain the wiping of a lookingglass clean to be a syllogism but you all
may it please your worships see the better for it so that the main good
these things do is only to clarify the understanding previous to the
application of the argument itself in order to free it from any little motes
or specks of opacular matter which if left swimming therein might hinder a
conception and spoil all
Now my dear AntiShandeans and thrice able critics and fellowlabourers
for to you I write this Preface and to you most subtle statesmen and
discreet doctors do pull off your beards renowned for gravity and wisdom
Monopolos my politician Didius my counsel Kysarcius my friend
Phutatorius my guide Gastripheres the preserver of my life Somnolentius
the balm and repose of it not forgetting all others as well sleeping as
waking ecclesiastical as civil whom for brevity but out of no resentment to
you I lump all together Believe me right worthy
My most zealous wish and fervent prayer in your behalf and in my own too
in case the thing is not done already for us is that the great gifts and
endowments both of wit and judgment with every thing which usually goes along
with them such as memory fancy genius eloquence quick parts and what
not may this precious moment without stint or measure let or hinderance be
poured down warm as each of us could bear it scum and sediment an all for I
would not have a drop lost into these veral receptacles cells cellules
domiciles dormitories refectories and spare places of our brains in such
sort that they might continue to be injected and tunnd into according to the
true intent and meaning of my wish until every vessel of them both great and
small be so replenished saturated and filld up therewith that no more would
it save a mans life could possibly be got either in or out
Bless us what noble work we should make how should I tickle it off
and what spirits should I find myself in to be writing away for such
readers and you just heaven with what raptures would you sit and read
but oh tis too much I am sick I faint away deliciously at the
thoughts of it tis more than nature can bear lay hold of me I am
giddy I am stone blind Im dying I am gone Help Help Help
But hold I grow something better again for I am beginning to foresee when
this is over that as we shall all of us continue to be great wits we should
never agree amongst ourselves one day to an end there would be so much
satire and sarcasm scoffing and flouting with raillying and reparteeing of
it thrusting and parrying in one corner or another there would be
nothing but mischief amongst us Chaste stars what biting and scratching and
what a racket and a clatter we should make what with breaking of heads and
rapping of knuckles and hitting of sore places there would be no such thing
as living for us
But then again as we should all of us be men of great judgment we should
make up matters as fast as ever they went wrong and though we should abominate
each other ten times worse than so many devils or devilesses we should
nevertheless my dear creatures be all courtesy and kindness milk and
honey twould be a second land of promise a paradise upon earth if
there was such a thing to be had so that upon the whole we should have done
well enough
All I fret and fume at and what most distresses my invention at present is
how to bring the point itself to bear for as your worships well know that of
these heavenly emanations of wit and judgment which I have so bountifully
wished both for your worships and myself there is but a certain quantum
stored up for us all for the use and behoof of the whole race of mankind and
such small modicums of em are only sent forth into this wide world circulating
here and there in one by corner or another and in such narrow streams and at
such prodigious intervals from each other that one would wonder how it holds
out or could be sufficient for the wants and emergencies of so many great
states and populous empires
Indeed there is one thing to be considered that in Nova Zembla North
Lapland and in all those cold and dreary tracts of the globe which lie more
directly under the arctick and antarctic circles where the whole province of
a mans concernments lies for near nine months together within the narrow
compass of his cave where the spirits are compressed almost to nothing
and where the passions of a man with every thing which belongs to them are as
frigid as the zone itself there the least quantity of judgment imaginable
does the business and of wit there is a total and an absolute saving
for as not one spark is wanted so not one spark is given Angels and
ministers of grace defend us What a dismal thing would it have been to have
governed a kingdom to have fought a battle or made a treaty or run a match
or wrote a book or got a child or held a provincial chapter there with so
plentiful a lack of wit and judgment about us for mercys sake let us think no
more about it but travel on as fast as we can southwards into Norway
crossing over Swedeland if you please through the small triangular province of
Angermania to the lake of Bothnia coasting along it through east and west
Bothnia down to Carelia and so on through all those states and provinces
which border upon the far side of the Gulf of Finland and the north east of the
Baltick up to Petersbourg and just stepping into Ingria then stretching
over directly from thence through the north parts of the Russian empire
leaving Siberia a little upon the left hand till we get into the very heart of
Russian and Asiatick Tartary
Now throughout this long tour which I have led you you observe the good
people are better off by far than in the polar countries which we have just
left for if you hold your hand over your eyes and look very attentively you
may perceive some small glimmerings as it were of wit with a comfortable
provision of good plain houshold judgment which taking the quality and
quantity of it together they make a very good shift with and had they more
of either the one or the other it would destroy the proper ballance betwixt
them and I am satisfied moreover they would want occasions to put them to use
Now Sir if I conduct you home again into this warmer and more luxuriant
island where you perceive the spring tide of our blood and humours runs high
where we have more ambition and pride and envy and lechery and other
whoreson passions upon our hands to govern and subject to reason the height
of our wit and the depth of our judgment you see are exactly proportioned to
the length and breadth of our necessities and accordingly we have them sent
down amongst us in such a flowing kind of decent and creditable plenty that no
one thinks he has any cause to complain
It must however be confessed on this head that as our air blows hot and
cold wet and dry ten times in a day we have them in no regular and settled
way so that sometimes for near half a century together there shall be very
little wit or judgment either to be seen or heard of amongst us the small
channels of them shall seem quite dried up then all of a sudden the sluices
shall break out and take a fit of running again like fury you would think
they would never stop and then it is that in writing and fighting and
twenty other gallant things we drive all the world before us
It is by these observations and a wary reasoning by analogy in that kind of
argumentative process which Suidas calls dialectick induction that I draw
and set up this position as most true and veritable
That of these two luminaries so much of their irradiations are suffered
from time to time to shine down upon us as he whose infinite wisdom which
dispenses every thing in exact weight and measure knows will just serve to
light us on our way in this night of our obscurity so that your reverences and
worships now find out nor is it a moment longer in my power to conceal it from
you That the fervent wish in your behalf with which I set out was no more than
the first insinuating How dye of a caressing prefacer stifling his reader as a
lover sometimes does a coy mistress into silence For alas could this effusion
of light have been as easily procured as the exordium wished it I tremble to
think how many thousands for it of benighted travellers in the learned
sciences at least must have groped and blundered on in the dark all the nights
of their lives running their heads against posts and knocking out their
brains without ever getting to their journies end some falling with their
noses perpendicularly into stinks others horizontally with their tails into
kennels Here one half of a learned profession tilting full butt against the
other half of it and then tumbling and rolling one over the other in the dirt
like hogs Here the brethren of another profession who should have run in
opposition to each other flying on the contrary like a flock of wild geese all
in a row the same way What confusion what mistakes fiddlers and
painters judging by their eyes and ears admirable trusting to the passions
excited in an air sung or a story painted to the heart instead of measuring
them by a quadrant
In the foreground of this picture a statesman turning the political wheel
like a brute the wrong way round against the stream of corruption by
heaven instead of with it
In this corner a son of the divine Esculapius writing a book against
predestination perhaps worse feeling his patients pulse instead of his
apothecarys a brother of the faculty in the back ground upon his knees in
tears drawing the curtains of a mangled victim to beg his forgiveness
offering a fee instead of taking one
In that spacious HALL a coalition of the gown from all the barrs of it
driving a damnd dirty vexatious cause before them with all their might and
main the wrong way kicking it out of the great doors instead of in
and with such fury in their looks and such a degree of inveteracy in their
manner of kicking it as if the laws had been originally made for the peace and
preservation of mankind perhaps a more enormous mistake committed by them
still a litigated point fairly hung up for instance Whether John oNokes
his nose could stand in Tom oStiles his face without a trespass or not
rashly determined by them in five and twenty minutes which with the cautious
pros and cons required in so intricate a proceeding might have taken up as
many months and if carried on upon a military plan as your honours know an
ACTION should be with all the stratagems practicable therein such as feints
forced marches surprizes ambuscades mask and a thousand other
strokes of generalship which consist in catechising at all advantages on both
sides might reasonably have lasted them as many years finding food and
raiment all that term for a centumvirate of the profession
As for the clergy No If I say a word against them Ill be shot I
have no desire and besides if I had I durst not for my soul touch upon
the subject with such weak nerves and spirits and in the condition I am in
at present twould be as much as my life was worth to deject and contrist
myself with so sad and melancholy an account and therefore tis safer to
draw a curtain across and hasten from it as fast as I can to the main and
principal point I have undertaken to clear up and that is How it comes to
pass that your men of least wit are reported to be men of most judgment But
mark I say reported to be for it is no more my dear Sirs than a
report and which like twenty others taken up every day upon trust I maintain
to be a vile and a malicious report into the bargain
This by the help of the observations already premised and I hope already
weighed and perpended by your reverences and worships I shall forthwith make
appear
I hate set dissertations and above all things in the world tis one of
the silliest things in one of them to darken your hypothesis by placing a
number of tall opake words one before another in a right line betwixt your
own and your readers conception when in all likelihood if you had looked
about you might have seen something standing or hanging up which would have
cleared the point at once »for what hinderance hurt or harm doth the
laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man if even from a sot a pot a
fool a stool a wintermittain a truckle for a pully the lid of a goldsmiths
crucible an oyl bottle an old slipper or a cane chair« I am this moment
sitting upon one Will you give me leave to illustrate this affair of wit and
judgment by the two knobs on the top of the back of it they are fastend
on you see with two pegs stuck slightly into two gimletholes and will place
what I have to say in so clear a light as to let you see through the drift and
meaning of my whole preface as plainly as if every point and particle of it was
made up of sun beams
I enter now directly upon the point
Here stands wit and there stands judgment close beside it just like
the two knobs Im speaking of upon the back of this self same chair on which I
am sitting
You see they are the highest and most ornamental parts of its frame
as wit and judgment are of ours and like them too indubitably both made and
fitted to go together in order as we say in all such cases of duplicated
embellishments to answer one another
Now for the sake of an experiment and for the clearer illustrating this
matter let us for a moment take off one of these two curious ornaments I
care not which from the point or pinacle of the chair it now stands on nay
dont laugh at it But did you ever see in the whole course of your lives
such a ridiculous business as this has made of it Why tis as miserable a
sight as a sow with one ear and there is just as much sense and symmetry in the
one as in the other do pray get off your seats only to take a view of
it Now would any man who valued his character a straw have turned a piece
of work out of his hand in such a condition nay lay your hands upon your
hearts and answer this plain question Whether this one single knob which now
stands here like a blockhead by itself can serve any purpose upon earth but to
put one in mind of the want of the other and let me further ask in case the
chair was your own if you would not in your consciences think rather than be
as it is that it would be ten times better without any knob at all
Now these two knobs or top ornaments of the mind of man which crown the
whole entablature being as I said wit and judgment which of all others as
I have proved it are the most needful the most prizd the most
calamitous to be without and consequently the hardest to come at for all
these reasons put together there is not a mortal amongst us so destitute of a
love of good fame or feeding or so ignorant of what will do him good
therein who does not wish and stedfastly resolve in his own mind to be or
to be thought at least master of the one or the other and indeed of both of
them if the thing seems any way feasible or likely to be brought to pass
Now your graver gentry having little or no kind of chance in aiming at the
one unless they laid hold of the other pray what do you think would
become of them Why Sirs in spight of all their gravities they must een
have been contented to have gone with their insides naked this was not to be
borne but by an effort of philosophy not to be supposed in the case we are
upon so that no one could well have been angry with them had they been
satisfied with what little they could have snatched up and secreted under their
cloaks and great perrywigs had they not raised a hue and cry at the same time
against the lawful owners
I need not tell your worships that this was done with so much cunning and
artifice that the great Locke who was seldom outwitted by false sounds
was nevertheless bubbled here The cry it seems was so deep and solemn a one
and what with the help of great wigs grave faces and other implements of
deceit was rendered so general a one against the poor wits in this matter that
the philosopher himself was deceived by it it was his glory to free the world
from the lumber of a thousand vulgar errors but this was not of the number
so that instead of sitting down cooly as such a philosopher should have done
to have examined the matter of fact before he philosophised upon it on the
contrary he took the fact for granted and so joined in with the cry and
hallood it as boisterously as the rest
This has been made the Magna Charta of stupidity ever since but your
reverences plainly see it has been obtained in such a manner that the title to
it is not worth a groat which by the bye is one of the many and vile
impositions which gravity and grave folks have to answer for hereafter
As for great wigs upon which I may be thought to have spoken my mind too
freely I beg leave to qualify whatever has been unguardedly said to their
dispraise or prejudice by the one general declaration That I have no
abhorrence whatever nor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or long
beards any further than when I see they are bespoke and let grow on purpose
to carry on this selfsame imposture for any purpose peace be with them
mark only I write not for them
Chap XXI
Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have it
mended tis not mended yet no family but ours would have borne with it
an hour and what is most astonishing there was not a subject in the world
upon which my father was so eloquent as upon that of doorhinges And yet at
the same time he was certainly one of the greatest bubbles to them I think
that history can produce his rhetoric and conduct were at perpetual
handycuffs Never did the parlourdoor open but his philosophy or his
principles fell a victim to it three drops of oyl with a feather and a
smart stroke of a hammer had saved his honour for ever
Inconsistent soul that man is languishing under wounds which he has
the power to heal his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge his
reason that precious gift of God to him instead of pouring in oyl serving
but to sharpen his sensibilities to multiply his pains and render him more
melancholy and uneasy under them poor unhappy creature that he should do so
are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enow but he must add
voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow struggle against evils which cannot be
avoided and submit to others which a tenth part of the trouble they create
him would remove from his heart for ever
By all that is good and virtuous if there are three drops of oyl to be got
and a hammer to be found within ten miles of ShandyHall the parlourdoor
hinge shall be mended this reign
Chap XXII
When corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear he was delighted with
his handywork above measure and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his
master to see them he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them
directly into his parlour
Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of
hinges I had a speculative consideration arising out of it and it is this
Had the parlourdoor opend and turnd upon its hinges as a door should do
Or for example as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its
hinges that is in case things have all along gone well with your worship
otherwise I give up my simile in this case I say there had been no danger
either to master or man in corporal Trims peeping in the moment he had
beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleep the respectfulness of his
carriage was such he would have retired as silent as death and left them both
in their armchairs dreaming as happy as he had found them but the thing was
morally speaking so very impracticable that for the many years in which this
hinge was suffered to be out of order and amongst the hourly grievances my
father submitted to upon its account this was one that he never folded his
arms to take his nap after dinner but the thoughts of being unavoidably
awakened by the first person who should open the door was always uppermost in
his imagination and so incessantly steppd in betwixt him and the first balmy
presage of his repose as to rob him as he often declared of the whole sweets
of it
»When things move upon bad hinges an please your lordships how can it be
otherwise«
Pray whats the matter Who is there cried my father waking the moment
the door began to creak I wish the smith would give a peep at that
confounded hinge Tis nothing an please your honour said Trim but two
mortars I am bringing in They shant make a clatter with them here cried my
father hastily If Dr Slop has any drugs to pound let him do it in the
kitchen May it please your honour cried Trim they are two mortarpieces
for a siege next summer which I have been making out of a pair of jackboots
which Obadiah told me your honour had left off wearing By heaven cried my
father springing out of his chair as he swore I have not one appointment
belonging to me which I set so much store by as I do by these jackboots
they were our greatgrandfathers brother Toby they were hereditary Then I
fear quoth my uncle Toby Trim has cut off the entail I have only cut off
the tops an please your honour cried Trim I hate perpetuities as much as
any man alive cried my father but these jackboots continued he smiling
though very angry at the same time have been in the family brother ever since
the civil wars Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of MarstonMoor I
declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them Ill pay you the money
brother Shandy quoth my uncle Toby looking at the two mortars with infinite
pleasure and putting his hand into his breechespocket as he viewed them
Ill pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my heart and soul
Brother Toby replied my father altering his tone you care not what money
you dissipate and throw away provided continued he tis but upon a SIEGE
Have I not a hundred and twenty pounds a year besides my halfpay cried my
uncle Toby What is that replied my father hastily to ten pounds for a
pair of jackboots twelve guineas for your pontoons half as much for
your Dutchdrawbridge to say nothing of the train of little brassartillery
you bespoke last week with twenty other preparations for the siege of Messina
believe me dear brother Toby continued my father taking him kindly by the
hand these military operations of yours are above your strength you mean
well brother but they carry you into greater expences than you were first
aware of and take my word dear Toby they will in the end quite ruin your
fortune and make a beggar of you What signifies it if they do brother
replied my uncle Toby so long as we know tis for the good of the nation
My father could not help smiling for his soul his anger at the worst was
never more than a spark and the zeal and simplicity of Trim and the
generous tho hobbyhorsical gallantry of my uncle Toby brought him into
perfect good humour with them in an instant
Generous souls God prosper you both and your mortarpieces too quoth my
father to himself
Chap XXIII
All is quiet and hush cried my father at least above stairs I hear not one
foot stirring Prithee Trim who is in the kitchen There is no one soul in
the kitchen answered Trim making a low bow as he spoke except Dr Slop
Confusion cried my father getting up upon his legs a second time not one
single thing has gone right this day had I faith in astrology brother which
by the bye my father had I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging
over this unfortunate house of mine and turning every individual thing in it
out of its place Why I thought Dr Slop had been above stairs with my wife
and so said you What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen He
is busy an please your honour replied Trim in making a bridge Tis very
obliging in him quoth my uncle Toby pray give my humble service to Dr
Slop Trim and tell him I thank him heartily
You must know my uncle Toby mistook the bridge as widely as my father
mistook the mortars but to understand how my uncle Toby could mistake the
bridge I fear I must give you an exact account of the road which led to it
or to drop my metaphor for there is nothing more dishonest in an historian
than the use of one in order to conceive the probability of this error in
my uncle Toby aright I must give you some account of an adventure of Trims
though much against my will I say much against my will only because the story
in one sense is certainly out of its place here for by right it should come
in either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle Tobys amours with widow Wadman in
which corporal Trim was no mean actor or else in the middle of his and my
uncle Tobys campaigns on the bowling green for it will do very well in
either place but then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my story
I ruin the story Im upon and if I tell it here I anticipate matters and
ruin it there
What would your worships have me to do in this case
Tell it Mr Shandy by all means You are a fool Tristram if you do
O ye POWERS for powers ye are and great ones too which enable mortal
man to tell a story worth the hearing that kindly shew him where he is to
begin it and where he is to end it what he is to put into it and what
he is to leave out how much of it he is to cast into shade and whereabouts
he is to throw his light Ye who preside over this vast empire of
biographical freebooters and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects
hourly fall into will you do one thing
I beg and beseech you in case you will do nothing better for us that
wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls out that three several
roads meet in one point as they have done just here that at least you set up
a guidepost in the center of them in mere charity to direct an uncertain
devil which of the three he is to take
Chap XXIV
Tho the shock my uncle Toby received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk
in his affair with widow Wadman had fixed him in a resolution never more to
think of the sex or of aught which belonged to it yet corporal Trim had
made no such bargain with himself Indeed in my uncle Tobys case there was a
strange and unaccountable concurrence of circumstances which insensibly drew him
in to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel In Trims case there was a
concurrence of nothing in the world but of him and Bridget in the kitchen
though in truth the love and veneration he bore his master was such and so
fond was he of imitating him in all he did that had my uncle Toby employed his
time and genius in tagging of points I am persuaded the honest corporal
would have laid down his arms and followed his example with pleasure When
therefore my uncle Toby sat down before the mistress corporal Trim
incontinently took ground before the maid
Now my dear friend Garrick whom I have so much cause to esteem and honour
why or wherefore tis no matter can it escape your penetration I defy
it that so many playwrights and opificers of chit chat have ever since been
working upon Trims and my uncle Tobys pattern I care not what Aristotle or
Pacuvius or Bossu or Ricaboni say though I never read one of them
there is not a greater difference between a singlehorse chair and madam
Pompadours vis à vis than betwixt a single amour and an amour thus nobly
doubled and going upon all four prancing throughout a grand drama Sir a
simple single silly affair of that kind is quite lost in five acts but
that is neither here or there
After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my
uncle Tobys quarter a most minute account of every particular of which shall
be given in its proper place my uncle Toby honest man found it necessary to
draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly
Corporal Trim as I said had made no such bargain either with himself or
with any one else the fidelity however of his heart not suffering him to go
into a house which his master had forsaken with disgust he contented himself
with turning his part of the siege into a blockade that is he kept others
off for though he never after went to the house yet he never met Bridget in
the village but he would either nod or wink or smile or look kindly at her
or as circumstances directed he would shake her by the hand or ask her
lovingly how she did or would give her a ribban and now and then though
never but when it could be done with decorum would give Bridget a
Precisely in this situation did these things stand for five years that is
from the demolition of Dunkirk in the year 13 to the latter end of my uncle
Tobys campaign in the year 18 which was about six or seven weeks before the
time Im speaking of When Trim as his custom was after he had put my uncle
Toby to bed going down one moonshiny night to see that every thing was right
at his fortifications in the lane separated from the bowlinggreen with
flowering shrubs and holly he espied his Bridget
As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth shewing
as the glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had made Trim courteously and
gallantly took her by the hand and led her in this was not done so privately
but that the foulmouthd trumpet of Fame carried it from ear to ear till at
length it reached my fathers with this untoward circumstance along with it
that my uncle Tobys curious drawbridge constructed and painted after the
Dutch fashion and which went quite across the ditch was broke down and some
how or other crushd all to pieces that very night
My father as you have observed had no great esteem for my uncle Tobys
hobbyhorse he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever gentleman
mounted and indeed unless my uncle Toby vexed him about it could never think
of it once without smiling at it so that it never could get lame or happen
any mischance but it tickled my fathers imagination beyond measure but this
being an accident much more to his humour than any one which had yet befalln
it it proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him Well but
dear Toby my father would say do tell us seriously how this affair of the
bridge happened How can you teaze me so much about it my uncle Toby would
reply I have told it you twenty times word for word as Trim told it me
Prithee how was it then corporal my father would cry turning to Trim It
was a mere misfortune an please your honour I was shewing Mrs Bridget our
fortifications and in going too near the edge of the fossè I unfortunately
slipd in Very well Trim my father would cry smiling mysteriously and
giving a nod but without interrupting him and being linkd fast an
please your honour arm in arm with Mrs Bridget I draggd her after me by
means of which she fell backwards soss against the bridge and Trims foot
my uncle Toby would cry taking the story out of his mouth getting into the
cuvette he tumbled full against the bridge too It was a thousand to one my
uncle Toby would add that the poor fellow did not break his leg Ay truly my
father would say a limb is soon broke brother Toby in such encounters
And so an please your honour the bridge which your honour knows was a very
slight one was broke down betwixt us and splintered all to pieces
At other times but especially when my uncle Toby was so unfortunate as to
say a syllable about cannons bombs or petards my father would exhaust all
the stores of his eloquence which indeed were very great in a panegyric upon
the BATTERINGRAMS of the ancients the VINEA which Alexander made use of at
the siege of Tyre He would tell my uncle Toby of the CATAPULTÆ of the
Syrians which threw such monstrous stones so many hundred feet and shook the
strongest bulwarks from their very foundation he would go on and describe the
wonderful mechanism of the BALLISTA which Marcellinus makes so much rout about
the terrible effects of the PYRABOLI which cast fire the danger of the
TEREBRA and SCORPIO which cast javelins But what are these he would say to
the destructive machinery of corporal Trim Believe me brother Toby no
bridge or bastion or sally port that ever was constructed in this world can
hold out against such artillery
My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against the force of this
ridicule but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe in doing
which he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper that it set my
father who was a little phthisical into a suffocating fit of violent coughing
my uncle Toby leapd up without feeling the pain upon his groin and with
infinite pity stood beside his brothers chair tapping his back with one hand
and holding his head with the other and from time to time wiping his eyes with
a clean cambrick handkerchief which he pulld out of his pocket The
affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little
offices cut my father thro his reins for the pain he had just been giving
him May my brains be knockd out with a battering ram or a catapulta I care
not which quoth my father to himself if ever I insult this worthy soul
more
Chap XXV
The drawbridge being held irreparable Trim was ordered directly to set about
another but not upon the same model for cardinal Alberonis intrigues at
that time being discovered and my uncle Toby rightly foreseeing that a flame
would inevitably break out betwixt Spain and the Empire and that the operations
of the ensuing campaign must in all likelihood be either in Naples or Sicily
he determined upon an Italian bridge my uncle Toby by the bye was not far
out in his conjectures but my father who was infinitely the better
politician and took the lead as far of my uncle Toby in the cabinet as my
uncle Toby took it of him in the field convinced him that if the King of
Spain and the Emperor went together by the ears that England and France and
Holland must by force of their preengagements all enter the lists too and
if so he would say the combatants brother Toby as sure as we are alive will
fall to it again pellmell upon the old prizefighting stage of Flanders
then what will you do with your Italian bridge
We will go on with it then upon the old model cried my uncle Toby
When corporal Trim had about half finished it in that stile my uncle
Toby found out a capital defect in it which he had never thoroughly considered
before It turned it seems upon hinges at both ends of it opening in the
middle one half of which turning to one side of the fossè and the other to
the other the advantage of which was this that by dividing the weight of the
bridge into two equal portions it impowered my uncle Toby to raise it up or let
it down with the end of his crutch and with one hand which as his garrison
was weak was as much as he could well spare but the disadvantages of such a
construction were insurmountable for by this means he would say I leave
one half of my bridge in my enemys possession and pray of what use is the
other
The natural remedy for this was no doubt to have his bridge fast only at
one end with hinges so that the whole might be lifted up together and stand
bolt upright but that was rejected for the reason given above
For a whole week after he was determined in his mind to have one of that
particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally to hinder a
passage and to thrust forwards again to gain a passage of which sorts your
worships might have seen three famous ones at Spires before its destruction
and one now at Brisac if I mistake not but my father advising my uncle
Toby with great earnestness to have nothing more to do with thrusting bridges
and my uncle foreseeing moreover that it would but perpetuate the memory of
the corporals misfortune he changed his mind for that of the marquis
dHôpitals invention which the younger Bernouilli has so well and learnedly
described as your worships may see Act Erud Lips an 1695 to these a
lead weight is an eternal balance and keeps watch as well as a couple of
centinels inasmuch as the construction of them was a curveline approximating
to a cycloid if not a cycloid itself
My uncle Toby understood the nature of a parabola as well as any man in
England but was not quite such a master of the cycloid he talked however
about it every day the bridge went not forwards Well ask somebody about
it cried my uncle Toby to Trim
Chap XXVI
When Trim came in and told my father that Dr Slop was in the kitchen and busy
in making a bridge my uncle Toby the affair of the jackboots having just
then raised a train of military ideas in his brain took it instantly for
granted that Dr Slop was making a model of the marquis dHôpitals bridge
Tis very obliging in him quoth my uncle Toby pray give my humble service
to Dr Slop Trim and tell him I thank him heartily
Had my uncle Tobys head been a Savoyards box and my father peeping in all
the time at one end of it it could not have given him a more distinct
conception of the operations in my uncle Tobys imagination than what he had
so notwithstanding the catapulta and batteringram and his bitter imprecation
about them he was just beginning to triumph
When Trims answer in an instant tore the laurel from his brows and
twisted it to pieces
Chap XXVII
This unfortunate drawbridge of yours quoth my father God bless your
honour cried Trim tis a bridge for masters nose In bringing him into the
world with his vile instruments he has crushd his nose Susannah says as flat
as a pancake to his face and he is making a false bridge with a piece of cotton
and a thin piece of whalebone out of Susannahs stays to raise it up
Lead me brother Toby cried my father to my room this instant
Chap XXVIII
From the first moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of the
world and my opinions for its instruction has a cloud insensibly been
gathering over my father A tide of little evils and distresses has been
setting in against him Not one thing as he observed himself has gone
right and now is the storm thickend and going to break and pour down full
upon his head
I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy frame
of mind that ever sympathetic breast was touched with My nerves relax as I
tell it Every line I write I feel an abatement of the quickness of my
pulse and of that careless alacrity with it which every day of my life prompts
me to say and write a thousand things I should not And this moment that I
last dippd my pen into my ink I could not help taking notice what a cautious
air of sad composure and solemnity there appeard in my manner of doing it
Lord how different from the rash jerks and harebraind squirts thou art wont
Tristram to transact it with in other humours dropping thy pen spurting
thy ink about thy table and thy books as if thy pen and thy ink thy books
and thy furniture cost thee nothing
Chap XXIX
I wont go about to argue the point with you tis so and I am persuaded
of it madam as much as can be »That both man and woman bear pain or sorrow
and for aught I know pleasure too best in a horizontal position«
The moment my father got up into his chamber he threw himself prostrate
across his bed in the wildest disorder imaginable but at the same time in the
most lamentable attitude of a man borne down with sorrows that ever the eye of
pity droppd a tear for The palm of his right hand as he fell upon the bed
receiving his forehead and covering the greatest part of both his eyes gently
sunk down with his head his elbow giving way backwards till his nose touchd
the quilt his left arm hung insensible over the side of the bed his
knuckles reclining upon the handle of the chamber pot which peepd out beyond
the valance his right leg his left being drawn up towards his body hung
half over the side of the bed the edge of it pressing upon his shinbone He
felt it not A fixd inflexible sorrow took possession of every line of his
face He sighd once heaved his breast often but utterd not a word
An old setstitchd chair valanced and fringed around with partycolourd
worsted bobs stood at the beds head opposite to the side where my fathers
head reclined My uncle Toby sat him down in it
Before an affliction is digested consolation ever comes too soon and
after it is digested it comes too late so that you see madam there is but
a mark between these two as fine almost as a hair for a comforter to take aim
at my uncle Toby was always either on this side or on that of it and would
often say He believed in his heart he could as soon hit the longitude for
this reason when he sat down in the chair he drew the curtain a little
forwards and having a tear at every ones service he pulld out a cambrick
handkerchief gave a low sigh but held his peace
Chap XXX
»All is not gain that is got into the purse« So that notwithstanding my
father had the happiness of reading the oddest books in the universe and had
moreover in himself the oddest way of thinking that ever man in it was
blessd with yet it had this drawback upon him after all that it laid him
open to some of the oddest and most whimsical distresses of which this
particular one which he sunk under at present is as strong an example as can be
given
No doubt the breaking down of the bridge of a childs nose by the edge of
a pair of forceps however scientifically applied would vex any man in the
world who was at so much pains in begetting a child as my father was yet
it will not account for the extravagance of his affliction or will it justify
the unchristian manner he abandoned and surrenderd himself up to it
To explain this I must leave him upon the bed for half an hour and my
good uncle Toby in his old fringed chair sitting beside him
Chap XXXI
I think it a very unreasonable demand cried my great grandfather twisting
up the paper and throwing it upon the table By this account madam you
have but two thousand pounds fortune and not a shilling more and you insist
upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it
»Because« replied my great grandmother »you have little or no nose
Sir«
Now before I venture to make use of the word Nose a second time to avoid
all confusion in what will be said upon it in this interesting part of my
story it may not be amiss to explain my own meaning and define with all
possible exactness and precision what I would willingly be understood to mean
by the term being of opinion that tis owing to the negligence and
perverseness of writers in despising this precaution and to nothing else
That all the polemical writings in divinity are not as clear and demonstrative
as those upon a Will o the Wisp or any other sound part of philosophy and
natural pursuit in order to which what have you to do before you set out
unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgment but to give the
world a good definition and stand to it of the main word you have most
occasion for changing it Sir as you would a guinea into small coin
which done let the father of confusion puzzle you if he can or put a
different idea either into your head or your readers head if he knows how
In books of strict morality and close reasoning such as this I am engaged
in the neglect is inexcusable and heaven is witness how the world has
revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocal strictures
and for depending so much as I have done all along upon the cleanliness of my
readers imaginations
Here are two senses cried Eugenius as we walkd along pointing with
the fore finger of his right hand to the word Crevice in the fiftysecond page
of the second volume of this book of books here are two senses quoth he
And here are two roads replied I turning short upon him a dirty and a
clean one which shall we take The clean by all means replied
Eugenius Eugenius said I stepping before him and laying my hand upon his
breast to define is to distrust Thus I triumphd over Eugenius but I
triumphd over him as I always do like a fool Tis my comfort however I am
not an obstinate one therefore
I define a nose as follows intreating only beforehand and beseeching
my readers both male and female of what age complexion and condition soever
for the love of God and their own souls to guard against the temptations and
suggestions of the devil and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other
ideas into their minds than what I put into my definition For by the word
Nose throughout all this long chapter of noses and in every other part of my
work where the word Nose occurs I declare by that word I mean a Nose and
nothing more or less
Chap XXXII
»Because« quoth my great grandmother repeating the words again »you have
little or no nose Sir« Sdeath cried my great grandfather clapping his
hand upon his nose tis not so small as that comes to tis a full inch
longer than my fathers Now my great grandfathers nose was for all the
world like unto the noses of all the men women and children whom Pantagruel
found dwelling upon the island of ENNASIN By the way if you would know the
strange way of getting akin amongst so flatnosed a people you must read
the book find it out yourself you never can
Twas shaped Sir like an ace of clubs
Tis a full inch continued my great grandfather pressing up the ridge
of his nose with his finger and thumb and repeating his assertion tis a
full inch longer madam than my fathers You must mean your uncles replied
my great grandmother
My great grandfather was convinced He untwisted the paper and signed
the article
Chap XXXIII
What an unconscionable jointure my dear do we pay out of this small estate
of ours quoth my grandmother to my grandfather
My father replied my grandfather had no more nose my dear saving the
mark than there is upon the back of my hand
Now you must know that my great grandmother outlived my grandfather
twelve years so that my father had the jointure to pay a hundred and fifty
pounds half yearly on Michaelmas and Lady day during all that time
No man discharged pecuniary obligations with a better grace than my father
And as far as the hundred pounds went he would fling it upon the table
guinea by guinea with that spirited jerk of an honest welcome which generous
souls and generous souls only are able to fling down money but as soon as
ever he enterd upon the odd fifty he generally gave a loud Hem rubbd the
side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore finger inserted his
hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wig lookd at both sides
of every guinea as he parted with it and seldom could get to the end of the
fifty pounds without pulling out his handkerchief and wiping his temples
Defend me gracious heaven from those persecuting spirits who make no
allowances for these workings within us Never O never may I lay down in
their tents who cannot relax the engine and feel pity for the force of
education and the prevalence of opinions long derived from ancestors
For three generations at least this tenet in favour of long noses had
gradually been taking root in our family TRADITION was all along on its
side and INTEREST was every half year stepping in to strengthen it so that the
whimsicality of my fathers brain was far from having the whole honour of this
as it had of almost all his other strange notions For in a great measure he
might be said to have suckd this in with his mothers milk He did his part
however If education planted the mistake in case it was one my father
watered it and ripened it to perfection
He would often declare in speaking his thoughts upon the subject that he
did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against
an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses And for the contrary
reason he would generally add That it must be one of the greatest problems in
civil life where the same number of long and jolly noses following one another
in a direct line did not raise and hoist it up into the best vacancies in the
kingdom He would often boast that the Shandy family rankd very high in king
Harry the VIIIths time but owed its rise to no state engine he would say
but to that only but that like other families he would add it had felt
the turn of the wheel and had never recovered the blow of my great
grandfathers nose It was an ace of clubs indeed he would cry shaking his
head and as vile as one for an unfortunate family as ever turnd up trumps
Fair and softly gentle reader where is thy fancy carrying thee
If there is truth in man by my great grandfathers nose I mean the external
organ of smelling or that part of man which stands prominent in his face and
which painters say in good jolly noses and wellproportioned faces should
comprehend a full third that is measuring downwards from the setting on of
the hair
What a life of it has an author at this pass
Chap XXXIV
It is a singular blessing that nature has formd the mind of man with the same
happy backwardness and renitency against conviction which is observed in old
dogs »of not learning new tricks«
What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever
existed be whiskd into at once did he read such books and observe such
facts and think such thoughts as would eternally be making him change sides
Now my father as I told you last year detested all this He pickd up
an opinion Sir as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple It becomes
his own and if he is a man of spirit he would lose his life rather than give
it up
I am aware that Didius the great civilian will contest this point and cry
out against me Whence comes this mans right to this apple ex confesso he
will say things were in a state of nature The apple as much Franks
apple as Johns Pray Mr Shandy what patent has he to shew for it and how
did it begin to be his was it when he set his heart upon it or when he
gatherd it or when he chewd it or when he roasted it or when he peeld or
when he brought it home or when he digested or when he For tis
plain Sir if the first picking up of the apple made it not his that no
subsequent act could
Brother Didius Tribonius will answer now Tribonius the civilian and
church lawyers beard being three inches and half and three eighths longer than
Didius his beard Im glad he takes up the cudgels for me so I give myself no
further trouble about the answer Brother Didius Tribonius will say it is a
decreed case as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and Hermogeness
codes and in all the codes from Justinians down to the codes of Louis and Des
Eaux That the sweat of a mans brows and the exsudations of a mans brains
are as much a mans own property as the breeches upon his backside which
said exsudations etc being droppd upon the said apple by the labour of
finding it and picking it up and being moreover indissolubly wasted and as
indissolubly annexd by the picker up to the thing pickd up carried home
roasted peeld eaten digested and so on tis evident that the gatherer
of the apple in so doing has mixd up something which was his own with the
apple which was not his own by which means he has acquired a property or, in
other words, the apple is Johns apple
By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his
opinions he had spared no pains in picking them up and the more they lay out
of the common way the better still was his title No mortal claimd them
they had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digesting as in the
case above so that they might well and truely be said to be his own goods and
chattles Accordingly he held fast by em both by teeth and claws would
fly to whatever he could lay his hands on and in a word would intrench and
fortify them round with as many circumvallations and breastworks as my uncle
Toby would a citadel
There was one plaguy rub in the way of this the scarcity of materials to
make any thing of a defence with in case of a smart attack inasmuch as few men
of great genius had exercised their parts in writing books upon the subject of
great noses by the trotting of my lean horse the thing is incredible and I am
quite lost in my understanding when I am considering what a treasure of precious
time and talents together has been wasted upon worse subjects and how many
millions of books in all languages and in all possible types and bindings have
been fabricated upon points not half so much tending to the unity and
peacemaking of the world What was to be had however he set the greater store
by and though my father would ofttimes sport with my uncle Tobys library
which by the bye was ridiculous enough yet at the very same time he did it
he collected every book and treatise which had been systematically wrote upon
noses with as much care as my honest uncle Toby had done those upon military
architecture Tis true a much less table would have held them but that
was not thy transgression my dear uncle
Here but why here rather than in any other part of my story I am
not able to tell but here it is my heart stops me to pay to thee my
dear uncle Toby once for all the tribute I owe thy goodness Here let me
thrust my chair aside and kneel down upon the ground whilst I am pouring forth
the warmest sentiments of love for thee and veneration for the excellency of
thy character that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephews bosom Peace
and comfort rest for evermore upon thy head Thou enviedst no mans comforts
insultedst no mans opinions Thou blackenedst no mans character
devouredst no mans bread gently with faithful Trim behind thee didst thou
amble round the little circle of thy pleasures jostling no creature in thy way
for each ones service thou hadst a tear for each mans need thou hadst
a shilling
Whilst I am worth one to pay a weeder thy path from thy door to thy
bowling green shall never be grown up Whilst there is a rood and a half of
land in the Shandy family thy fortifications my dear uncle Toby shall never
be demolishd
Chap XXXV
My fathers collection was not great but to make amends it was curious and
consequently he was some time in making it he had the great fortune however to
set off well in getting Bruscambilles prologue upon long noses almost for
nothing for he gave no more for Bruscambille than three half crowns owing
indeed to the strong fancy which the stallman saw my father had for the book
the moment he laid his hands upon it There are not three Bruscambilles in
Christendom said the stallman except what are chaind up in the libraries
of the curious My father flung down the money as quick as lightening took
Bruscambille into his bosom hyed home from Piccadilly to Colemanstreet with
it as he would have hyed home with a treasure without taking his hand once off
from Bruscambille all the way
To those who do not yet know of which gender Bruscambille is inasmuch as
a prologue upon long noses might easily be done by either twill be no
objection against the simile to say That when my father got home he solaced
himself with Bruscambille after the manner in which tis ten to one your
worship solaced yourself with your first mistress that is from morning even
unto night which by the bye how delightful soever it may prove to the
inamorato is of little or no entertainment at all to bystanders Take
notice I go no farther with the simile my fathers eye was greater than his
appetite his zeal greater than his knowledge he coold his affections
became divided he got hold of Prignitz purchased Scroderus Andrea
Paræus Bouchets Evening Conferences and above all the great and learned
Hafen Slawkenbergius of which as I shall have much to say by and bye I
will say nothing now
Chap XXXVI
Of all the tracts my father was at the pains to procure and study in support of
his hypothesis there was not any one wherein he felt a more cruel
disappointment at first than in the celebrated dialogue between Pamphagus and
Cocles written by the chaste pen of the great and venerable Erasmus upon the
various uses and seasonable applications of long noses Now dont let Satan
my dear girl in this chapter take advantage of any one spot of risingground
to get astride of your imagination if you can any ways help it or if he is so
nimble as to slip on let me beg of you like an unbackd filly to frisk it
to squirt it to jump it to rear it to bound it and to kick it with long
kicks and short kicks till like Tickletobys mare you break a strap or a
crupper and throw his worship into the dirt You need not kill him
And pray who was Tickletobys mare tis just as discreditable and
unscholarlike a question Sir as to have asked what year ab urb con the
second Punic broke out Who was Tickletobys mare Read read read read
my unlearned reader read or by the knowledge of the great saint
Paraleipomenon I tell you beforehand you had better throw down the book at
once for without much reading by which your reverence knows I mean much
knowledge you will no more be able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled
page motly emblem of my work than the world with all its sagacity has been
able to unravel the many opinions transactions and truths which still lie
mystically hid under the dark veil of the black one
Two marbled pages following
Chap XXXVII
»Nihil me pænitet hujus nasi« quoth Pamphagus that is »My nose has been
the making of me« »Nec est cur pæniteat« replies Cocles that is »How the
duce should such a nose fail«
The doctrine you see was laid down by Erasmus as my father wished it
with the utmost plainness but my fathers disappointment was in finding
nothing more from so able a pen but the bare fact itself without any of that
speculative subtilty or ambidexterity of argumentation upon it which heaven had
bestowd upon man on purpose to investigate truth and fight for her on all
sides My father pishd and pughd at first most terribly tis worth
something to have a good name As the dialogue was of Erasmus my father soon
came to himself and read it over and over again with great application
studying every word and every syllable of it thro and thro in its most strict
and literal interpretaion he could still make nothing of it that way
Mayhaps there is more meant than is said in it quoth my father Learned men
brother Toby dont write dialogues upon long noses for nothing Ill study
the mystic and the allegoric sense here is some room to turn a mans self
in brother
My father read on
Now I find it needful to inform your reverences and worships that besides
the many nautical uses of long noses enumerated by Erasmus the dialogist
affirmeth that a long nose is not without its domestic conveniences also for
that in a case of distress and for want of a pair of bellows it will do
excellently well ad excitandum focum to stir up the fire
Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to my father beyond measure and had
sown the seeds of verbal criticism as deep within him as she had done the seeds
of all other knowledge so that he had got out his penknife and was trying
experiments upon the sentence to see if he could not scratch some better sense
into it Ive got within a single letter brother Toby cried my father of
Erasmus his mystic meaning You are near enough brother replied my uncle in
all conscience Pshaw cried my father scratching on I might as well be
seven miles off Ive done it said my father snapping his fingers See
my dear brother Toby how I have mended the sense But you have marrd a word
replied my uncle Toby My father put on his spectacles bit his lip and
tore out the leaf in a passion
Chap XXXVIII
O Slawkenbergius thou faithful analyzer of my Disgrázias thou sad
foreteller of so many of the whips and short turns which in one stage or other
of my life have come slap upon me from the shortness of my nose and no other
cause that I am conscious of Tell me Slawkenbergius what secret impulse
was it what intonation of voice whence came it how did it sound in thy ears
art thou sure thou heardst it which first cried out to thee go go
Slawkenbergius dedicate the labours of thy life neglect thy pastimes call
forth all the powers and faculties of thy nature macerate thyself in the
service of mankind and write a grand FOLIO for them upon the subject of their
noses
How the communication was conveyed into Slawkenbergiuss sensorium so
that Slawkenbergius should know whose finger touchd the key and whose hand
it was that blew the bellows as Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead and laid
in his grave above fourscore and ten years we can only raise conjectures
Slawkenbergius was playd upon for aught I know like one of Whitfields
disciples that is with such a distinct intelligence Sir of which of the
two masters it was that had been practising upon his instrument as to make
all reasoning upon it needless
For in the account which Hafen Slawkenbergius gives the world of his
motives and occasions for writing and spending so many years of his life upon
this one work Towards the end of his prologomena which by the bye should
have come first but the bookbinder has most injudiciously placed it betwixt
the analitical contents of the book and the book itself he informs his
reader that ever since he had arrived at the age of discernment and was able
to sit down coolly and consider within himself the true state and condition of
man and distinguish the main end and design of his being or to shorten
my translation for Slawkenbergiuss book is in Latin and not a little prolix
in this passage ever since I understood quoth Slawkenbergius any thing
or rather what was what and could perceive that the point of long noses had
been too loosely handled by all who had gone before have I Slawkenbergius
felt a strong impulse with a mighty and an unresistible call within me to gird
up myself to this undertaking
And to do justice to Slawkenbergius he has entered the list with a stronger
lance and taken a much larger career in it than any one man who had ever
entered it before him and indeed in many respects deserves to be ennichd
as a prototype for all writers of voluminous works at least to model their
books by for he has taken in Sir the whole subject examined every part
of it dialectically then brought it into full day dilucidating it with all
the light which either the collision of his own natural parts could strike or
the profoundest knowledge of the sciences had impowered him to cast upon it
collating collecting and compiling begging borrowing and stealing as he
went along all that had been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the schools and
porticos of the learned so that Slawkenbergius his book may properly be
considered not only as a model but as a thoroughstitchd DIGEST and regular
institute of noses comprehending in it all that is or can be needful to be
known about them
For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of so many otherwise
valuable books and treatises of my fathers collecting wrote either plump upon
noses or collaterally touching them such for instance as Prignitz now
lying upon the table before me who with infinite learning and from the most
candid and scholarlike examination of above four thousand different skulls in
upwards of twenty charnel houses in Silesia which he had rummaged has
informed us that the mensuration and configuration of the osseous or boney
parts of human noses in any given tract of country except Crim Tartary where
they are all crushd down by the thumb so that no judgment can be formed upon
them are much nearer alike than the world imagines the difference
amongst them being he says a mere trifle not worth taking notice of but
that the size and jollity of every individual nose and by which one nose ranks
above another and bears a higher price is owing to the cartilagenous and
muscular parts of it into whose ducts and sinuses the blood and animal spirits
being impelld and driven by the warmth and force of the imagination which is
but a step from it bating the case of ideots whom Prignitz who had lived
many years in Turky supposes under the more immediate tutelage of heaven it
so happens and ever must says Prignitz that the excellency of the nose is in
a direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of the wearers fancy
It is for the same reason that is because tis all comprehended in
Slawkenbergius that I say nothing likewise of Scroderus Andrea who all the
world knows set himself to oppugn Prignitz with great violence proving it
in his own way first logically and then by a series of stubborn facts »That
so far was Prignitz from the truth in affirming that the fancy begat the nose
that on the contrary the nose begat the fancy«
The learned suspected Scroderus of an indecent sophism in this and
Prignitz cried out aloud in the dispute that Scroderus had shifted the idea
upon him but Scroderus went on maintaining his thesis
My father was just balancing within himself which of the two sides he
should take in this affair when Ambrose Paræus decided it in a moment and by
overthrowing the systems both of Prignitz and Scroderus drove my father out
of both sides of the controversy at once
Be witness
I dont acquaint the learned reader in saying it I mention it only to
shew the learned I know the fact myself
That this Ambrose Paræus was chief surgeon and nosemender to Francis the
ninth of France and in high credit with him and the two preceding or
succeeding kings I know not which and that except in the slip he made in his
story of Taliacotiuss noses and his manner of setting them on was esteemed
by the whole college of physicians at that time as more knowing in matters of
noses than any one who had ever taken them in hand
Now Ambrose Paræus convinced my father that the true and efficient cause of
what had engaged so much the attention of the world and upon which Prignitz and
Scroderus had wasted so much learning and fine parts was neither this nor
that but that the length and goodness of the nose was owing simply to the
softness and flaccidity in the nurses breast as the flatness and shortness
of puisne noses was to the firmness and elastic repulsion of the same organ of
nutrition in the hale and lively which tho happy for the woman was the
undoing of the child inasmuch as his nose was so snubbd so rebuffd so
rebated and so refrigerated thereby as never to arrive ad mensuram suam
legitimam but that in case of the flaccidity and softness of the nurse or
mothers breast by sinking into it quoth Paræus as into so much butter the
nose was comforted nourishd plumpd up refreshd refocillated and set a
growing for ever
I have but two things to observe of Paræus first that he proves and
explains all this with the utmost chastity and decorum of expression for
which may his soul for ever rest in peace
And secondly that besides the systems of Prignitz and Scroderus which
Ambrose Paræus his hypothesis effectually overthrew it overthrew at the same
time the system of peace and harmony of our family and for three days together
not only embroiled matters between my father and my mother but turnd likewise
the whole house and every thing in it except my uncle Toby quite upside down
Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a man and his wife never surely
in any age or country got vent through the keyhole of a streetdoor
My mother you must know but I have fifty things more necessary to let
you know first I have a hundred difficulties which I have promised to clear
up and a thousand distresses and domestic misadventures crouding in upon me
thick and threefold one upon the neck of another a cow broke in tomorrow
morning to my uncle Tobys fortifications and eat up two ratios and half of
dried grass tearing up the sods with it which faced his hornwork and covered
way Trim insists upon being tried by a courtmartial the cow to be shot
Slop to be crucifixd myself to be tristramd and at my very baptism made a
martyr of poor unhappy devils that we all are I want swaddling but
there is no time to be lost in exclamations I have left my father lying
across his bed and my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair sitting beside him
and promised I would go back to them in half an hour and five and thirty
minutes are lapsd already Of all the perplexities a mortal author was ever
seen in this certainly is the greatest for I have Hafen Slawkenbergiuss
folio Sir to finish a dialogue between my father and my uncle Toby upon
the solution of Prignitz Scoderus Ambrose Paræus Ponocrates and Grangousier
to relate a tale out of Slawkenbergius to translate and all this in five
minutes less than no time at all such a head would to heaven my enemies
only saw the inside of it
Chap XXXIX
There was not any one scene more entertaining in our family and to do it
justice in this point and I here put off my cap and lay it upon the table
close beside my inkhorn on purpose to make my declaration to the world
concerning this one article the more solemn that I believe in my soul
unless my love and partiality to my understanding blinds me the hand of the
supreme Maker and first Designer of all things never made or put a family
together in that period at least of it which I have sat down to write the
story of where the characters of it were cast or contrasted with so dramatic
a felicity as ours was for this end or in which the capacities of affording
such exquisite scenes and the powers of shifting them perpetually from morning
to night were lodged and intrusted with so unlimited a confidence as in the
SHANDYFAMILY
Not any one of these was more diverting I say in this whimsical theatre of
ours than what frequently arose out of this selfsame chapter of long noses
especially when my fathers imagination was heated with the enquiry and
nothing would serve him but to heat my uncle Tobys too
My uncle Toby would give my father all possible fair play in this attempt
and with infinite patience would sit smoaking his pipe for whole hours together
whilst my father was practising upon his head and trying every accessible
avenue to drive Prignitz and Scroderuss solutions into it
Whether they were above my uncle Tobys reason or contrary to it or
that his brain was like wet tinder and no spark could possibly take hold or
that it was so full of saps mines blinds curtins and such military
disqualifications to his seeing clearly into Prignitz and Scroderuss doctrines
I say not let schoolmen scullions anatomists and engineers fight for
it amongst themselves
Twas some misfortune I make no doubt in this affair that my father had
every word of it to translate for the benefit of my uncle Toby and render out
of Slawkenbergiuss Latin of which as he was no great master his translation
was not always of the purest and generally least so where twas most wanted
this naturally opend a door to a second misfortune that in the warmer
paroxisms of his zeal to open my uncle Tobys eyes my fathers ideas run on
as much faster than the translation as the translation outmoved my uncle Toby
s neither the one or the other added much to the perspicuity of my fathers
lecture
Chap XL
The gift of ratiocination and making syllogisms I mean in man for in
superior classes of beings such as angels and spirits tis all done may it
please your worships as they tell me by INTUITION and beings inferior as
your worships all know syllogize by their noses though there is an island
swiming in the sea though not altogether at its ease whose inhabitants if my
intelligence deceives me not are so wonderfully gifted as to syllogize after
the same fashion and ofttimes to make very well out too but thats neither
here nor there
The gift of doing it as it should be amongst us or the great and
principal act of ratiocination in man as logicians tell us is the finding out
the agreement or disagreement of two ideas one with another by the intervention
of a third called the medius terminus just as a man as Locke well observes
by a yard finds two mens ninepinalleys to be of the same length which could
not be brought together to measure their equality by juxtaposition
Had the same great reasoner looked on as my father illustrated his systems
of noses and observed my uncle Tobys deportment what great attention he
gave to every word and as oft as he took his pipe from his mouth with what
wonderful seriousness he contemplated the length of it surveying it
transversely as he held it betwixt his finger and his thumb then foreright
then this way and then that in all its possible directions and
foreshortenings he would have concluded my uncle Toby had got hold of the
medius terminus and was syllogizing and measuring with it the truth of each
hypothesis of long noses in order as my father laid them before him This by
the bye was more than my father wanted his aim in all the pains he was at in
these philosophic lectures was to enable my uncle Toby not to discuss but
comprehend to hold the grains and scruples of learning not to weigh them
My uncle Toby as you will read in the next chapter did neither the one or
the other
Chap XLI
Tis a pity cried my father one winters night after a three hours painful
translation of Slawkenbergius tis a pity cried my father putting my
mothers threadpaper into the book for a mark as he spoke that truth
brother Toby should shut herself up in such impregnable fastnesses and be so
obstinate as not to surrender herself sometimes up upon the closest siege
Now it happened then as indeed it had often done before that my uncle
Tobys fancy during the time of my fathers explanation of Prignitz to him
having nothing to stay it there had taken a short flight to the bowlinggreen
his body might as well have taken a turn there too so that with all the
semblance of a deep schoolman intent upon the medius terminus my uncle Toby
was in fact as ignorant of the whole lecture and all its pros and cons as if
my father had been translating Hafen Slawkenbergius from the Latin tongue into
the Cherokeè But the word siege like a talismanic power in my fathers
metaphor wafting back my uncle Tobys fancy quick as a note could follow the
touch he opend his ears and my father observing that he took his pipe out
of his mouth and shuffled his chair nearer the table as with a desire to
profit my father with great pleasure began his sentence again changing
only the plan and dropping the metaphor of the siege of it to keep clear of
some dangers my father apprehended from it
Tis a pity said my father that truth can only be on one side brother
Toby considering what ingenuity these learned men have all shewn in their
solutions of noses Can noses be dissolved replied my uncle Toby
My father thrust back his chair rose up put on his hat took
four long strides to the door jerked it open thrust his head half way out
shut the door again took no notice of the bad hinge returned to the
table pluckd my mothers threadpaper out of Slawkenbergiuss book went
hastily to his bureau walkd slowly back twisting my mothers threadpaper
about his thumb unbuttond his waistcoat threw my mothers threadpaper
into the fire bit her sattin pincushion in two filld his mouth with bran
confounded it but mark the oath of confusion was levelld at my uncle
Tobys brain which was een confused enough already the curse came
charged only with the bran the bran may it please your honours was no
more than powder to the ball
Twas well my fathers passions lasted not long for so long as they did
last they led him a busy life ont and it is one of the most unaccountable
problems that ever I met with in my observations of human nature that nothing
should prove my fathers mettle so much or make his passions go off so like
gunpowder as the unexpected strokes his science met with from the quaint
simplicity of my uncle Tobys questions Had ten dozen of hornets stung him
behind in so many different places all at one time he could not have exerted
more mechanical functions in fewer seconds or started half so much as with
one single quære of three words unseasonably popping in full upon him in his
hobbyhorsical career
Twas all one to my uncle Toby he smoaked his pipe on with unvaried
composure his heart never intended offence to his brother and as his head
could seldom find out where the sting of it lay he always gave my father the
credit of cooling by himself He was five minutes and thirtyfive seconds
about it in the present case
By all thats good said my father swearing as he came to himself and
taking the oath out of Ernulphuss digest of curses though to do my father
justice it was a fault as he told Dr Slop in the affair of Ernulphus which he
as seldom committed as any man upon earth By all thats good and great
brother Toby said my father if it was not for the aids of philosophy which
befriend one so much as they do you would put a man beside all temper Why
by the solutions of noses of which I was telling you I meant as you might have
known had you favoured me with one grain of attention the various accounts
which learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the
causes of short and long noses There is no cause but one replied my uncle
Toby why one mans nose is longer than anothers but because that God
pleases to have it so That is Grangousiers solution said my father Tis
he continued my uncle Toby looking up and not regarding my fathers
interruption who makes us all and frames and puts us together in such forms
and proportions and for such ends as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom
Tis a pious account cried my father but not philosophical there is more
religion in it than sound science Twas no inconsistent part of my uncle Tobys
character that he feared God and reverenced religion So the moment my
father finished his remark my uncle Toby fell a whistling Lillabullero with
more zeal though more out of tune than usual
What is become of my wifes threadpaper
Chap XLII
No matter as an appendage to seamstressy the threadpaper might be of some
consequence to my mother of none to my father as a mark in Slawkenbergius
Slawkenbergius in every page of him was a rich treasury of inexhaustible
knowledge to my father he could not open him amiss and he would often say in
closing the book that if all the arts and sciences in the world with the books
which treated of them were lost should the wisdom and policies of
governments he would say through disuse ever happen to be forgot and all
that statesmen had wrote or caused to be written upon the strong or the weak
sides of courts and kingdoms should they be forgot also and Slawkenbergius
only left there would be enough in him in all conscience he would say to
set the word agoing again A treasure therefore was he indeed an institute of
all that was necessary to be known of noses and every thing else at matin
noon and vespers was Hafen Slawkenbergius his recreation and delight twas for
ever in his hands you would have sworn Sir it had been a canons
prayerbook so worn so glazed so contrited and attrited was it with fingers
and with thumbs in all its parts from one end even unto the other
I am not such a bigot to Slawkenbergius as my father there is a fund in
him no doubt but in my opinion the best I dont say the most profitable but
the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergius is his tales and considering
he was a German many of them told not without fancy these take up his
second book containing nearly one half of his folio and are comprehended in
ten decads each decad containing ten tales Philosophy is not built upon
tales and therefore twas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to send them into
the world by that name there are a few of them in his eighth ninth and
tenth decads which I own seem rather playful and sportive than speculative
but in general they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail of so many
independent facts all of them turning round somehow or other upon the main
hinges of his subject and collected by him with great fidelity and added to
his work as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses
As we have leisure enough upon our hands if you give me leave madam
Ill tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad
The End of the Third Volume
Volume IV
Slawkenbergii Fabella8
Vespera quâdam frigidulâ posteriori in parte mensis Augusti peregrinus mulo
fusco colore insidens manticâ a tergo paucis indusijs binis calceis
braccisque sericis coccinejs repletâ Argentoratum ingressus est
Militi eum percontanti quum portus intraret dixit se apud Nasorum
promontorium fuisse Francofurtum proficisci et Argentoratum transitu ad fines
Sarmatiæ mensis intervallo reversurum
Miles peregrini in faciem suspexit Di boni nova forma nasi
At multum mihi profuit inquit peregrinus carpum amento extrahens e quo
pependit acinaces Loculo manum inseruit amp magnâ cum urbanitate pilei
parte anteriore tactâ manu sinistrâ ut extendit dextram militi florinum dedit
et processit
Dolet mihi ait miles tympanistam nanum et valgum alloquens virum adeo
urbanum vaginam perdidisse itinerari haud poterit nudâ acinaci neque vaginam
toto Argentorato habilem inveniet Nullam unquam habui respondit peregrinus
respiciens seque comiter inclinans hoc more gesto nudam acinacem elevans
mulo lentò progrediente ut nasum tueri possim
Non immerito benigne peregrine respondit miles
Nihili æstimo ait ille tympanista e pergamenâ factitius est
Prout christianus sum inquit miles nasus ille ni sexties major sit meo
esset conformis
Crepitare audivi ait tympanista
Mehercule sanguinem emisit respondit miles
Miseret me inquit tympanista qui non ambo titigimus
Eodem temporis puncto quo hæc res argumentata fuit inter militem et
tympanistam disceptabatur ibidem tubicine amp uxore suâ qui tunc
accesserunt et peregrino prætereunte restiterunt
Quantus nasus æque longus est ait tubicina ac tuba
Et ex eodem metallo ait tubicen velut sternutamento audias
Tantum abest respondit illa quod fistulam dulcedine vincit
Æneus est ait tubicen
Nequaquam respondit uxor
Rursum affirmo ait tubicen quod æneus est
Rem penitus explorabo prius enim digito tangam ait uxor quam dormivero
Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est ut unumquodque verbum
controversiae non tantum inter militem et tympanistam verum etiam inter
tubicinem et uxorem ejus audiret
Nequaquam ait ille in muli collum fraena demittens amp manibus ambabus
in pectus positis mulo lentè progrediente nequaquam ait ille respiciens non
necesse est ut res isthaec dilucidata foret Minime gentium meus nasus nunquam
tangetur dum spiritus hos reget artus ad quid agendum ait uxor
burgomagistri
Peregrinus illi non respondit Votum faciebat tunc temporis sancto Nicolao
quo facto sinu dextram inserens e quâ negligenter pependit acinaces lento
gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam quæ ad diversorium templo ex
adversum ducit
Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi amp manticam inferri jussit
qua apertâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum argenteo laciniato
Perizomate his sese induit statimque acinaci in manu ad forum deambulavit
Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus uxorem tubicinis obviam euntem aspicit
illico cursum flectit metuens ne nasus suus exploraretur atque ad diversorium
regressus est exuit se vestibus braccas coccineas sericas manticæ imposuit
mulumque educi jussit
Francofurtum proficiscor ait ille et Argentoratum quatuor abhinc
hebdomadis revertar
Bene curasti hoc jumentum ait muli faciem manu demulcens me
manticamque meam plus sexcentis mille passibus portavit
Longa via est respondet hospes nisi plurimum esset negoti Enimvero ait
peregrinus a nasorum promontorio redij et nasum speciosissimum
egregiosissimumque quem unquam quisquam sortitus est acquisivi
Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem de seipso reddit hospes et uxor ejus
oculis intentis peregrini nasum contemplantur Per sanctos sanctasque omnes
ait hospitis uxor nasis duodecim maximis in toto Argentorato major est
estne ait illa mariti in aurem insusurrans nonne est nasus prægrandis
Dolus inest anime mi ait hospes nasus est falsus
Verus est respondit uxor
Ex abiete factus est ait ille terebinthinum olet
Carbunculus inest ait uxor
Mortuus est nasus respondit hospes
Vivus est ait illa amp si ipsa vivam tangam
Votum feci sancto Nicolao ait peregrinus nasum meum intactum fore usque ad
Quodnam tempus illico respondit illa
Minime tangetur inquit ille manibus in pectus compositis usque ad illam
horam Quam horam ait illa Nullam respondit peregrinus donec perveneo ad
Quem locum obsecro ait illa Peregrinus nil respondens mulo conscenso
discessit
Slawkenbergiuss Tale
It was one cool refreshing evening at the close of a very sultry day in the
latter end of the month of August when a stranger mounted upon a dark mule
with a small cloakbag behind him containing a few shirts a pair of shoes and
a crimsonsattin pair of breeches entred the town of Strasburg
He told the centinel who questioned him as he entered the gates that he
had been at the Promontory of NOSES was going on to Frankfort and should be
back again at Strasburg that day month in his way to the borders of Crim
Tartary
The centinel looked up into the strangers face never saw such a nose in
his life
I have made a very good venture of it quoth the stranger so slipping
his wrist out of the loop of a black ribban to which a short scymetar was hung
He put his hand into his pocket and with great courtesy touching the forepart
of his cap with his lefthand as he extended his right he put a florin into
the centinels hand and passed on
It grieves me said the centinel speaking to a little dwarfish bandyleggd
drummer that so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbard he cannot
travel without one to his scymetar and will not be able to get a scabbard to
fit it in all Strasburg I never had one replied the stranger looking back
to the centinel and putting his hand up to his cap as he spoke I carry it
continued he thus holding up his naked scymetar his mule moving on slowly all
the time on purpose to defend my nose
It is well worth it gentle stranger replied the centinel
Tis not worth a single stiver said the bandyleggd drummer tis a
nose of parchment
As I am a true catholic except that it is six times as big tis a nose
said the centinel like my own
I heard it crackle said the drummer
By dunder said the centinel I saw it bleed
What a pity cried the bandyleggd drummer we did not both touch it
At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the centinel and the
drummer was the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeters
wife who were just then coming up and had stopped to see the stranger pass by
Benedicity What a nose tis as long said the trumpeters wife as a
trumpet
And of the same mettle said the trumpeter as you hear by its sneezing
Tis as soft as a flute said she
Tis brass said the trumpeter
Tis a puddings end said his wife
I tell thee again said the trumpeter tis a brazen nose
Ill know the bottom of it said the trumpeters wife for I will touch it
with my finger before I sleep
The strangers mule moved on at so slow a rate that he heard every word of
the dispute not only betwixt the centinel and the drummer but betwixt the
trumpeter and the trumpeters wife
No said he dropping his reins upon his mules neck and laying both his
hands upon his breast the one over the other in a saintlike position his mule
going on easily all the time No said he looking up I am not such a debtor
to the world slandered and disappointed as I have been as to give it that
conviction no said he my nose shall never be touched whilst heaven gives me
strength To do what said a burgomasters wife
The stranger took no notice of the burgomasters wife he was making a vow
to saint Nicolas which done having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity
with which he crossed them he took up the reins of his bridle with his
lefthand and putting his righthand into his bosom with his scymetar hanging
loosely to the wrist of it he rode on as slowly as one foot of the mule could
follow another thro the principal streets of Strasburg till chance brought him
to the great inn in the marketplace overagainst the church
The moment the stranger alighted he ordered his mule to be led into the
stable and his cloakbag to be brought in then opening and taking out of it
his crimsonsattin breeches with a silverfringed appendage to them which I
dare not translate he put his breeches with his fringed codpiece on and
forthwith with his short scymetar in his hand walked out to the grand parade
The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade when he perceived
the trumpeters wife at the opposite side of it so turning short in pain lest
his nose should be attempted he instantly went back to his inn undressed
himself packed up his crimsonsattin breeches etc in his cloakbag and
called for his mule
I am going forwards said the stranger for Frankfort and shall be back
at Strasburg this day month
I hope continued the stranger stroking down the face of his mule with his
lefthand as he was going to mount it that you have been kind to this faithful
slave of mine it has carried me and my cloakbag continued he tapping the
mules back above six hundred leagues
Tis a long journey Sir replied the master of the inn unless a man
has great business Tut tut said the stranger I have been at the promontory
of Noses and have got me one of the goodliest and jolliest thank heaven that
ever fell to a single mans lot
Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself the master of
the inn and his wife kept both their eyes fixed full upon the strangers nose
By saint Radagunda said the innkeepers wife to herself there is more of it
than in any dozen of the largest noses put together in all Strasburg is it not
said she whispering her husband in his ear is it not a noble nose
Tis an imposture my dear said the master of the inn tis a false nose
Tis a true nose said his wife
Tis made of firtree said he I smell the turpentine
Theres a pimple on it said she
Tis a dead nose replied the innkeeper
Tis a live nose and if I am alive myself said the innkeepers wife I
will touch it
I have made a vow to saint Nicolas this day said the stranger that my nose
shall not be touched till Here the stranger suspending his voice looked up
Till when said she hastily
It never shall be touched said he clasping his hands and bringing them
close to his breast till that hour What hour cried the innkeepers wife
Never never said the stranger never till I am got For heaven sake into
what place said she The stranger rode away without saying a word
The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfort before
all the city of Strasburg was in an uproar about his nose The Complinebells
were just ringing to call the Strasburgers to their devotions and shut up the
duties of the day in prayer no soul in all Strasburg heard em the city
was like a swarm of bees men women and children the Complinebells
tinkling all the time flying here and there in at one door out at another
this way and that way long ways and cross ways up one street down another
street in at this ally out at that did you see it did you see it did you
see it O did you see it who saw it who did see it for mercys sake who
saw it
Alack oday I was at vespers I was washing I was starching I was
scouring I was quilting GOD help me I never saw it I never touchd it
would I had been a centinel a bandyleggd drummer a trumpeter a trumpeters
wife was the general cry and lamentation in every street and corner of
Strasburg
Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great city
of Strasburg was the courteous stranger going on as gently upon his mule in his
way to Frankfort as if he had had no concern at all in the affair talking all
the way he rode in broken sentences sometimes to his mule sometimes to
himself sometimes to his Julia
O Julia my lovely Julia nay I cannot stop to let thee bite that thistle
that ever the suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed me of enjoyment
when I was upon the point of tasting it
Pugh tis nothing but a thistle never mind it thou shalt have a
better supper at night
Banishd from my country my friends from thee
Poor devil thourt sadly tired with thy journey come get on a little
faster theres nothing in my cloakbag but two shirts a crimsonsattin pair
of breeches and a fringed Dear Julia
But why to Frankfort is it that there is a hand unfelt which secretly
is conducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracts
Stumbling by saint Nicolas every step why at this rate we shall be
all night in getting in
To happiness or am I to be the sport of fortune and slander destined
to be driven forth unconvicted unheard untouched if so why did I not
stay at Strasburg where justice but I had sworn Come thou shalt drink
to St Nicolas O Julia What dost thou prick up thy ears at tis nothing
but a man etc
The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and Julia till
he arrived at his inn where as soon as he arrived he alighted saw his mule
as he had promised it taken good care of took off his cloakbag with his
crimsonsattin breeches etc in it called for an omelet to his supper went
to his bed about twelve oclock and in five minutes fell fast asleep
It was about the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg being abated for
that night the Strasburgers had all got quietly into their beds but not
like the stranger for the rest either of their minds or bodies queen Mab like
an elf as she was had taken the strangers nose and without reduction of its
bulk had that night been at the pains of slitting and dividing it into as many
noses of different cuts and fashions as there were heads in Strasburg to hold
them The abbess of Quedlinberg who with the four great dignitaries of her
chapter the prioress the deaness the subchantress and senior canoness had
that week come to Strasburg to consult the university upon a case of conscience
relating to their placket holes was ill all the night
The courteous strangers nose had got perched upon the top of the pineal
gland of her brain and made such rousing work in the fancies of the four great
dignitaries of her chapter they could not get a wink of sleep the whole night
thro for it there was no keeping a limb still amongst them in short they
got up like so many ghosts
The penitentiaries of the third order of saint Francis the nuns of mount
Calvary the Præmonstratenses the Clunienses9 the Carthusians and all the
severer orders of nuns who lay that night in blankets or haircloth were still
in a worse condition than the abbess of Quedlinberg by tumbling and tossing
and tossing and tumbling from one side of their beds to the other the whole
night long the several sisterhoods had scratchd and mawld themselves all to
death they got out of their beds almost flead alive every body thought saint
Antony had visited them for probation with his fire they had never once in
short shut their eyes the whole night long from vespers to matins
The nuns of saint Ursula acted the wisest they never attempted to go to
bed at all
The dean of Strasburg the prebendaries the capitulars and domiciliars
capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case of butterd buns all
wished they had followed the nuns of saint Ursulas example In the hurry and
confusion every thing had been in the night before the bakers had all forgot to
lay their leaven there were no butterd buns to be had for breakfast in all
Strasburg the whole close of the cathedral was in one eternal commotion such
a cause of restlessness and disquietude and such a zealous inquiry into the
cause of that restlessness had never happened in Strasburg since Martin
Luther with his doctrines had turned the city upside down
If the strangers nose took this liberty of thrusting itself thus into the
dishes10 of religious orders etc what a carnival did his nose make of it in
those of the laity tis more than my pen worn to the stump as it is has
powers to describe tho I acknowledge cries Slawkenbergius with more gaiety
of thought than I could have expected from him that there is many a good simile
now subsisting in the world which might give my countrymen some idea of it but
at the close of such a folio as this wrote for their sakes and in which I have
spent the greatest part of my life tho I own to them the simile is in being
yet would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either time or
inclination to search for it Let it suffice to say that the riot and disorder
it occasioned in the Strasburgers fantacies was so general such an
overpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties of the Strasburgers
minds so many strange things with equal confidence on all sides and with
equal eloquence in all places were spoken and sworn to concerning it that
turned the whole stream of all discourse and wonder towards it every soul
good and bad rich and poor learned and unlearned doctor and student
mistress and maid gentle and simple nuns flesh and womans flesh in
Strasburg spent their time in hearing tidings about it every eye in Strasburg
languished to see it every finger every thumb in Strasburg burned to touch
it
Now what might add if any thing may be thought necessary to add to so
vehement a desire was this that the centinel the bandyleggd drummer the
trumpeter the trumpeters wife the burgomasters widow the master of the
inn and the master of the inns wife how widely soever they all differed every
one from another in their testimonies and descriptions of the strangers nose
they all agreed together in two points namely that he was gone to Frankfort
and would not return to Strasburg till that day month and secondly whether his
nose was true or false that the stranger himself was one of the most perfect
paragons of beauty the finest made man the most genteel the most
generous of his purse the most courteous in his carriage that had ever entered
the gates of Strasburg that as he rode with his scymetar slung loosely to his
wrist thro the streets and walked with his crimmsonsattin breeches across
the parade twas with so sweet an air of careless modesty and so manly withal
as would have put the heart in jeopardy had his nose not stood in his way of
every virgin who had cast her eyes upon him
I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and yearnings
of curiosity so excited to justify the abbess of Quedlinberg the prioress the
deaness and subchantress for sending at noonday for the trumpeters wife she
went through the streets of Strasburg with her husbands trumpet in her hand
the best apparatus the straitness of the time would allow her for the
illustration of her theory she staid no longer than three days
The centinel and the bandyleggd drummer nothing on this side of old
Athens could equal them they read their lectures under the city gates to comers
and goers with all the pomp of a Chrysippus and a Crantor in their porticos
The master of the inn with his ostler on his lefthand read his also in
the same stile under the portico or gateway of his stableyard his wife
hers more privately in a back room all flocked to their lectures not
promiscuously but to this or that as is ever the way as faith and credulity
marshald them in a word each Strasburger came crouding for intelligence and
every Strasburger had the intelligence he wanted
Tis worth remarking for the benefit of all demonstrators in natural
philosophy etc that as soon as the trumpeters wife had finished the abbess of
Quedlinbergs private lecture and had begun to read in public which she did
upon a stool in the middle of the great parade she incommoded the other
demonstrators mainly by gaining incontinently the most fashionable part of the
city of Strasburg for her auditory But when a demonstrator in philosophy
cries Slawkenbergius has a trumpet for an apparatus pray what rival in
science can pretend to be heard besides him
Whilst the unlearned thro these conduits of intelligence were all busied
in getting down to the bottom of the well where TRUTH keeps her little court
were the learned in their way as busy in pumping her up thro the conduits of
dialect induction they concerned themselves not with facts they reasoned
Not one profession had thrown more light upon this subject than the faculty
had not all their disputes about it run into the affair of Wens and oedematous
swellings they could not keep clear of them for their bloods ans souls the
strangers nose had nothing to do either with wens or oedematous swellings
It was demonstrated however very satisfactorily that such a ponderous mass
of heterogenious matter could not be congested and conglomerated to the nose
whilst the infant was in Utero without destroying the statical balance of the
foetus and throwing it plump upon its head nine months before the time
The opponents granted the theory they denied the consequences
And if a suitable provision of veins arteries etc said they was not laid
in for the due nourishment of such a nose in the very first stamina and
rudiments of its formation before it came into the world bating the case of
Wens it could not regularly grow and be sustained afterwards
This was all answered by a dissertation upon nutriment and the effect which
nutriment had in extending the vessels and in the increase and prolongation of
the muscular parts to the greatest growth and expansion imaginable In the
triumph of which theory they went so far as to affirm that there was no cause
in nature why a nose might not grow to the size of the man himself
The respondents satisfied the world this event could never happen to them so
long as a man had but one stomach and one pair of lungs For the stomach said
they being the only organ destined for the reception of food and turning it
into chyle and the lungs the only engine of sanguification it could
possibly work off no more than what the appetite brought it or admitting the
possibility of a mans overloading his stomach nature had set bounds however to
his lungs the engine was of a determined size and strength and could
elaborate but a certain quantity in a given time that is it could produce
just as much blood as was sufficient for one single man and no more so that
if there was as much nose as man they proved a mortification must necessarily
ensue and forasmuch as there could not be a support for both that the nose
must either fall off from the man or the man inevitably fall off from his nose
Nature accommodates herself to these emergencies cried the opponents else
what do you say to the case of a whole stomach a whole pair of lungs and but
half a man when both his legs have been unfortunately shot off
He dies of a plethora said they or must spit blood and in a fortnight or
three weeks go off in a consumption
It happens otherways replied the opponents
It ought not said they
The more curious and intimate inquirers after nature and her doings though
they went hand in hand a good way together yet they all divided about the nose
at last almost as much as the faculty itself
They amicably laid it down that there was a just and geometrical
arrangement and proportion of the several parts of the human frame to its
several destinations offices and functions which could not be transgressed
but within a certain limits that nature though she sported she sported
within a certain circle and they could not agree about the diameter of it
The logicians stuck much closer to the point before them than any of the
classes of the literati they began and ended with the word nose and had it
not been for a petitio principii which one of the ablest of them ran his head
against in the beginning of the combat the whole controversy had been settled
at once
A nose argued the logician cannot bleed without blood and not only blood
but blood circulating in it to supply the phaenomenon with a succession of
drops a stream being but a quicker succession of drops that included said
he Now death continued the logician being nothing but the stagnation of the
blood
I deny the definition Death is the separation of the soul from the body
said his antagonist Then we dont agree about our weapon said the logician
Then there is an end of the dispute replied the antagonist
The civilians were still more concise what they offered being more in the
nature of a decree than a dispute
Such a monstrous nose said they had it been a true nose could not
possibly have been suffered in civil society and if false to impose upon
society with such false signs and tokens was a still greater violation of its
rights and must have had still less mercy shewn it
The only objection to this was that if it proved any thing it proved the
strangers nose was neither true nor false
This left room for the controversy to go on It was maintained by the
advocates of the ecclesiastic court that there was nothing to inhibit a decree
since the stranger ex mero motu had confessed he had been at the Promontory of
Noses and had got one of the goodliest etc etc To this it was answered it
was impossible there should be such a place as the Promontory of Noses and
learned be ignorant where it lay The commissary of the bishop of Strasburg
undertook the advocates explained this matter in a treatise upon proverbial
phrases shewing them that the Promontory of Noses was a mere allegoric
expression importing no more than that nature had given him a long nose in
proof of which with great learning he cited the underwritten authorities11
which had decided the point incontestably had it not appeared that a dispute
about some franchises of dean and chapterlands had been determined by it
nineteen years before
It happened I must not say unluckily for Truth because they were giving
her a lift another way in so doing that the two universities of Strasburg the
Lutheran founded in the year 1538 by Jacobus Sturmius counsellor of the
senate and the Popish founded by Leopold archduke of Austria were during
all this time employing the whole depth of their knowledge except just what
the affair of the abbess of Quedlinbergs placketholes required in
determining the point of Martin Luthers damnation
The Popish doctors had undertaken to demonstrate a priori that from
necessary influence of the planets on the twentysecond day of October 1483
when the moon was in the twelfth house Jupiter Mars and Venus in the third
the Sun Saturn and Mercury all got together in the fourth that he must in
course and unavoidably be a damnd man and that his doctrines by a direct
corollary must be damnd doctrines too
By inspection into his horoscope where five planets were in coition all at
once with scorpio12 in reading this my father would always shake his head in
the ninth house which the Arabians allotted to religion it appeared that
Martin Luther did not care one stiver about the matter and that from the
horoscope directed to the conjunction of Mars they made it plain likewise he
must die cursing and blaspheming with the blast of which his soul being
steepd in guilt sailed before the wind into the lake of hell fire
The little objection of the Lutheran doctors to this was that it must
certainly be the soul of another man born Oct 22 1483 which was forced to
sail down before the wind in that manner inasmuch as it appeared from the
register of Islaben in the county of Mansfelt that Luther was not born in the
year 1483 but in 84 and not on the 22d day of October but on the 10th of
November the eve of Martinmasday from whence he had the name of Martin
I must break off my translation for a moment for if I did not I know I
should no more be able to shut my eyes in bed than the abbess of Quedlinberg
It is to tell the reader that my father never read this passage of
Slawkenbergius to my uncle Toby but with triumph not over my uncle Toby for
he never opposed him in it but over the whole world
Now you see brother Toby he would say looking up »that christian names
are not such indifferent things« had Luther here been called by any other
name but Martin he would have been damned to all eternity Not that I look
upon Martin he would add as a good name far from it tis something better
than a neutral and but a little yet a little as it is you see it was of some
service to him
My father knew the weakness of this prop to his hypothesis as well as the
best logician could shew him yet so strange is the weakness of man at the same
time as it fell in his way he could not for his life but make use of it and
it was certainly for this reason that though there are many stories in Hafen
Slawkenbergiuss Decads full as entertaining as this I am translating yet there
is not one amongst them which my father read over with half the delight it
flattered two of his strangest hypotheses together his NAMES and his NOSES I
will be bold to say he might have read all the books in the Alexandrian
library had not fate taken other care of them and not have met with a book or
a passage in one which hit two such nails as these upon the head at one
stroke
The two universities of Strasburg were hard tugging at this affair of
Luthers navigation The Protestant doctors had demonstrated that he had not
sailed right before the wind as the Popish doctors had pretended and as every
one knew there was no sailing full in the teeth of it they were going to
settle in case he had sailed how many points he was off whether Martin had
doubled the cape or had fallen upon a leeshore and no doubt as it was an
enquiry of much edification at least to those who understood this sort of
NAVIGATION they had gone on with it in spite of the size of the strangers
nose had not the size of the strangers nose drawn off the attention of the
world from what they were about it was their business to follow
The abbess of Quedlinberg and her four dignitaries was no stop for the
enormity of the strangers nose running full as much in their fancies as their
case of conscience The affair of their placketholes kept cold In a word
the printers were ordered to distribute their types all controversies droppd
Twas a square cap with a silk tassel upon the crown of it to a nut shell
to have guessed on which side of the nose the two universities would split
Tis above reason cried the doctors on one side
Tis below reason cried the others
Tis faith cried the one
Tis a fiddlestick said the other
Tis possible cried the one
Tis impossible said the other
Gods power is infinite cried the Nosarians he can do any thing
He can do nothing replied the Antinosarians which implies contradictions
He can make matter think said the Nosarians
As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sows ear replied the
Antinosarians
He cannot make two and two five replied the Popish doctors Tis false
said their opponents
Infinite power is infinite power said the doctors who maintained the
reality of the nose It extends only to all possible things replied the
Lutherans
By God in heaven cried the Popish doctors he can make a nose if he thinks
fit as big as the steeple of Strasburg
Now the steeple of Strasburg being the biggest and the tallest
churchsteeple to be seen in the whole world the Antinosarians denied that a
nose of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn at least by a middlesizd
man The Popish doctors swore it could The Lutheran doctors said No it
could not
This at once started a new dispute which they pursued a great way upon the
extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of God That
controversy led them naturally into Thomas Aquinas and Thomas Aquinas to the
devil
The strangers nose was no more heard of in the dispute it just served as
a frigate to launch them into the gulph of schooldivinity and then they all
sailed before the wind
Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge
The controversy about the attributes etc instead of cooling on the
contrary had inflamed the Strasburgers imaginations to a most inordinate degree
The less they understood of the matter the greater was their wonder about it
they were left in all the distresses of desire unsatisfied saw their
doctors the Parchmentarians the Brassarians the Turpentarians on one side
the Popish doctors on the other like Pantagruel and his companions in quest of
the oracle of the bottle all embarked and out of sight
The poor Strasburgers left upon the beach
What was to be done No delay the uproar increased every one in
disorder the city gates set open
Unfortunate Strasburgers was there in the storehouse of nature was there
in the lumberrooms of learning was there in the great arsenal of chance one
single engine left undrawn forth to torture your curiosities and stretch your
desires which was not pointed by the hand of fate to play upon your hearts I
dip not my pen into my ink to excuse the surrender of yourselves tis to write
your panegyrick Shew me a city so macerated with expectation who neither eat
or drank or slept or prayed or hearkened to the calls either of religion or
nature for seven and twenty days together who could have held out one day
longer
On the twentyeighth the courteous stranger had promised to return to
Strasburg
Seven thousand coaches Slawkenbergius must certainly have made some mistake
in his numerical characters 7000 coaches 15000 single horse chairs 20000
waggons crouded as full as they could all hold with senators counsellors
syndicksbeguines widows wives virgins canons concubines all in their
coaches The abbess of Quedlinberg with the prioress the deaness and
subchantress leading the procession in one coach and the dean of Strasburg
with the four great dignitaries of his chapter on her lefthand the rest
following higgletypigglety as they could some on horseback some on foot
some led some driven some down the Rhine some this way some that all
set out at sunrise to meet the courteous stranger on the road
Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my tale I say Catastrophe cries
Slawkenbergius inasmuch as a tale with parts rightly disposed not only
rejoiceth gaudet in the Catastrophe and Peripeitia of a DRAMA but rejoiceth
moveover in all the essential and integrant parts of it it has its Protasis
Epistasis Catastasis its Catastrophe or Peripeitia growing one out of the
other in it in the order Aristotle first planted them without which a tale
had better never be told at all says Slawkenbergius but be kept to a mans
self
In all my ten tales in all my ten decads have I Slawkenbergius tied down
every tale of them as tightly to this rule as I have done this of the stranger
and his nose
From his first parley with the centinel to his leaving the city of
Strasburg after pulling off his crimsonsattin pair of breeches is the
Protasis or first entrance where the characters of the Personæ Dramatis are
just touched in and the subject slightly begun
The Epistasis wherein the action is more fully entered upon and heightened
till it arrives at its state or height called the Catastasis and which usually
takes up the 2d and 3d act is included within that busy period of my tale
betwixt the first nights uproar about the nose to the conclusion of the
trumpeters wifes lectures upon it in the middle of the grand parade and from
the first embarking of the learned in the dispute to the doctors finally
sailing away and leaving the Strasburgers upon the beach in distress is the
Catastasis or the ripening of the incidents and passions for their bursting
forth in the fifth act
This commences with the setting out of the Strasburgers in the Frankfort
road and terminates in unwinding the labyrinth and bringing the hero out of a
state of agitation as Aristotle calls it to a state of rest and quietness
This says Hafen Slawkenbergius constitutes the catastrophe or peripeitia
of my tale and that is the part of it I am going to relate
We left the stranger behind the curtain asleep he enters now upon the
stage
What dost thou prick up thy ears at tis nothing but a man upon a horse
was the last word the stranger uttered to his mule It was not proper then to
tell the reader that the mule took his masters word for it and without any
more ifs or ands let the traveller and his horse pass by
The traveller was hastening with all diligence to get to Strasburg that
night What a fool am I said the traveller to himself when he had rode about
a league farther to think of getting into Strasburg this night Strasburg
the great Strasburg Strasburg the capital of all Alsatia Strasburg an
imperial city Strasburg a sovereign state Strasburg garrisoned with five
thousand of the best troops in all the world Alas If I was at the gates of
Strasburg this moment I could not gain admittance into it for a ducat nay a
ducat and half tis too much better go back to the last inn I have passed
than lie I know not where or give I know not what The traveller as he made
these reflections in his mind turned his horses head about and three minutes
after the stranger had been conducted into his chamber he arrived at the same
inn
We have bacon in the house said the host and bread and till eleven
oclock this night had three eggs in it but a stranger who arrived an hour
ago has had them dressed into an omlet and we have nothing
Alas said the traveller harrassed as I am I want nothing but a bed I
have one as soft as is in Alsatia said the host
The stranger continued he should have slept in it for tis my best bed
but upon the score of his nose He has got a defluxion said the traveller
Not that I know cried the host But tis a campbed and Jacinta said he
looking towards the maid imagined there was not room in it to turn his nose in
Why so cried the traveller starting back It is so long a nose replied the
host The traveller fixed his eyes upon Jacinta then upon the ground kneeled
upon his right knee had got his hand laid upon his breast Trifle not with my
anxiety said he rising up again Tis no trifle said Jacinta tis the most
glorious nose The traveller fell upon his knee again laid his hand upon his
breast then said he looking up to heaven thou hast conducted me to the end
of my pilgrimage Tis Diego
The traveller was the brother of the Julia so often invoked that night by
the stranger as he rode from Strasburg upon his mule and was come on her part
in quest of him He had accompanied his sister from Valadolid across the
Pyrenean mountains thro France and had many an entangled skein to wind off in
pursuit of him thro the many meanders and abrupt turnings of a lovers thorny
tracks
Julia had sunk under it and had not been able to go a step farther than
to Lyons where with the many disquietudes of a tender heart which all talk of
but few feel she sickend but had just strength to write a letter to Diego
and having conjured her brother never to see her face till he had found him out
and put the letter into his hands Julia took to her bed
Fernandez for that was her brothers name tho the campbed was as soft
as any one in Alsace yet he could not shut his eyes in it As soon as it was
day he rose and hearing Diego was risen too he enterd his chamber and
discharged his sisters commission
The letter was as follows
»Seig Diego
Whether my suspicions of your nose were justly excited or not tis
not now to inquire it is enough I have not had firmness to put them to
farther tryal
How could I know so little of myself when I sent my Duena to forbid
your coming more under my lattice or how could I know so little of you
Diego as to imagine you would not have staid one day in Valadolid to
have given ease to my doubts Was I to be abandoned Diego because I
was deceived or was it kind to take me at my word whether my
suspicions were just or no and leave me as you did a prey to much
uncertainty and sorrow
In what manner Julia has resented this my brother when he puts
this letter into your hands will tell you He will tell you in how few
moments she repented of the rash message she had sent you in what
frantic haste she flew to her lattice and how many days and nights
together she leaned immoveably upon her elbow looking thro it towards
the way which Diego was wont to come
He will tell you when she heard of your departure how her spirits
deserted her how her heart sickend how piteously she mournd how
low she hung her head O Diego how many weary steps has my brothers
pity led me by the hand languishing to trace out yours how far has
desire carried me beyond strength and how oft have I fainted by the
way and sunk into his arms with only power to cry out O my Diego
If the gentleness of your carriage has not belied your heart you
will fly to me almost as fast as you fled from me haste as you will
you will arrive but to see me expire Tis a bitter draught Diego
but oh tis embitterd still more by dying un «
She could proceed no farther
Slawkenbergius supposes the word intended was unconvinced but her strength
would not enable her to finish her letter
The heart of the courteous Diego overflowed as he read the letter he
ordered his mule forthwith and Fernandezs horse to be saddled and as no vent
in prose is equal to that of poetry in such conflicts chance which as often
directs us to remedies as to diseases having thrown a piece of charcoal into
the window Diego availed himself of it and whilst the ostler was getting
ready his mule he eased his mind against the wall as follows
Ode
Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love
Unless my Julia strikes the key
Her hand alone can touch the part
Whose dulcet movement charms the heart
And governs all the man with sympathetic sway
2d
O Julia
The lines were very natural for they were nothing at all to the purpose says
Slawkenbergius and tis a pity there were no more of them but whether it was
that Seig Diego was slow in composing verses or the ostler quick in saddling
mules is not averred certain it was that Diegos mule and Fernandezs horse
were ready at the door of the inn before Diego was ready for his second stanza
so without staying to finish his ode they both mounted sallied forth passed
the Rhine traversed Alsace shaped their course towards Lyons and before the
Strasburgers and the abbess of Quedlinberg had set out on their cavalcade had
Fernandez Diego and his Julia crossed the Pyrenean mountains and got safe to
Valadolid
Tis needless to inform the geographical reader that when Diego was in
Spain it was not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the Frankfort road
it is enough to say that of all restless desires curiosity being the strongest
the Strasburgers felt the full force of it and that for three days and nights
they were tossed to and fro in the Frankfort road with the tempestuous fury of
this passion before they could submit to return home When alas an event was
prepared for them of all others the most grievous that could befal a free
people
As this revolution of the Strasburgers affairs is often spoken of and
little understood I will in ten words says Slawkenbergius give the world an
explanation of it and with it put an end to my tale
Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy wrote by order
of Mons Colbert and put in manuscript into the hands of Lewis the fourteenth
in the year 1664
Tis as well known that one branch out of many of that system was the
getting possession of Strasburg to favour an entrance at all times into Suabia
in order to disturb the quiet of Germany and that in consequence of this plan
Strasburg unhappily fell at length into their hands
It is the lot of few to trace out the true springs of this and such like
revolutions The vulgar look too high for them Statesmen look too low Truth
for once lies in the middle
What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city cries one historian
The Strasburgers deemed it a diminution of their freedom to receive an
imperial garrison and so fell a prey to a French one
The fate says another of the Strasburgers may be a warning to all free
people to save their money They anticipated their revenues brought
themselves under taxes exhausted their strength and in the end became so weak
a people they had not strength to keep their gates shut and so the French
pushed them open
Alas alas cries Slawkenbergius twas not the French twas CURIOSITY
pushed them open The French indeed who are ever upon the catch when they saw
the Strasburgers men women and children all marched out to follow the
strangers nose each man followed his own and marched in
Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever since
but not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned for it is owing to
this only that Noses have ever so run in their heads that the Strasburgers
could not follow their business
Alas alas cries Slawkenbergius making an exclamation it is not the
first and I fear will not be the last fortress that has been either won or
lost by NOSES
The End of Slawkenbergiuss Tale
Chap I
With all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my fathers fancy
with so many family prejudices and ten decads of such tales running on for
ever along with them how was it possible with such exquisite was it a true
nose That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father had could bear the
shock at all below stairs or indeed above stairs in any other posture but
the very posture I have described
Throw yourself down upon the bed a dozen times taking care only to
place a lookingglass first in a chair on one side of it before you do it
But was the strangers nose a true nose or was it a false one
To tell that beforehand madam would be to do injury to one of the best
tales in the christian world and that is the tenth of the tenth decad which
immediately follows this
This tale crieth Slawkenbergius somewhat exultingly has been reserved by
me for the concluding tale of my whole work knowing right well that when I
shall have told it and my reader shall have read it thro twould be even
high time for both of us to shut up the book inasmuch continues
Slawkenbergius as I know of no tale which could possibly ever go down after it
Tis a tale indeed
This sets out with the first interview in the inn at Lyons when Fernandez
left the courteous stranger and his sister Julia alone in her chamber and is
overwritten
The Intricacies
of
Diego and Julia
Heavens thou art a strange creature Slawkenbergius what a whimsical view of
the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened how this can ever be
translated and yet if this specimen of Slawkenbergiuss tales and the
exquisitiveness of his moral should please the world translated shall a couple
of volumes be Else how this can ever be translated into good English I have
no sort of conception There seems in some passages to want a sixth sense to
do it rightly What can he mean by the lambent pupilability of slow low dry
chat five notes below the natural tone which you know madam is little more
than a whisper The moment I pronounced the words I could perceive an attempt
towards a vibration in the strings about the region of the heart The brain
made no acknowledgment Theres often no good understanding betwixt em I
felt as if I understood it I had no ideas The movement could not be
without cause Im lost I can make nothing of it unless may it please
your worships the voice in that case being little more than a whisper
unavoidably forces the eyes to approach not only within six inches of each other
but to look into the pupils is not that dangerous But it cant be avoided
for to look up to the ceiling in that case the two chins unavoidably meet
and to look down into each others laps the foreheads come into immediate
contact which at once puts an end to the conference I mean to the sentimental
part of it What is left madam is not worth stooping for
Chap II
My father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death had
pushed him down for a full hour and a half before he began to play upon the
floor with the toe of that foot which hung over the bedside my uncle Tobys
heart was a pound lighter for it In a few moments his lefthand the
knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon the handle of the chamberpot
came to its feeling he thrust it a little more within the valance drew up
his hand when he had done into his bosom gave a hem My good uncle Toby
with infinite pleasure answered it and full gladly would have ingrafted a
sentence of consolation upon the opening it afforded but having no talents as
I said that way and fearing moreover that he might set out with something
which might make a bad matter worse he contented himself with resting his chin
placidly upon the cross of his crutch
Now whether the compression shortened my uncle Tobys face into a more
pleasureable oval or that the philanthropy of his heart in seeing his
brother beginning to emerge out of the sea of his afflictions had braced up his
muscles so that the compression upon his chin only doubled the benignity
which was there before is not hard to decide My father in turning his eyes
was struck with such a gleam of sunshine in his face as melted down the
sullenness of his grief in a moment
He broke silence as follows
Chap III
Did ever man brother Toby cried my father raising himself up upon his elbow
and turning himself round to the opposite side of the bed where my uncle Toby
was sitting in his old fringed chair with his chin resting upon his crutch
did ever a poor unfortunate man brother Toby cried my father receive so many
lashes The most I ever saw given quoth my uncle Toby ringing the bell at
the beds head for Trim was to a grenadier I think in Makays regiment
Had my uncle Toby shot a bullet thro my fathers heart he could not have
fallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly
Bless me said my uncle Toby
Chap IV
Was it Makays regiment quoth my uncle Toby where the poor grenadier was so
unmercifully whippd at Bruges about the ducats O Christ he was innocent
cried Trim with a deep sigh And he was whippd may it please your honour
almost to deaths door They had better have shot him outright as he beggd
and he had gone directly to heaven for he was as innocent as your honour I
thank thee Trim quoth my uncle Toby I never think of his continued Trim and
my poor brother Toms misfortunes for we were all three schoolfellows but I
cry like a coward Tears are no proof of cowardice Trim I drop them
ofttimes myself cried my uncle Toby I know your honour does replied Trim
and so am not ashamed of it myself But to think may it please your honour
continued Trim a tear stealing into the corner of his eye as he spoke to
think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies and as honest as
God could make them the children of honest people going forth with gallant
spirits to seek their fortunes in the world and fall into such evils poor
Tom to be tortured upon a rack for nothing but marrying a Jews widow who
sold sausages honest Dick Johnsons soul to be scourged out of his body for
the ducats another man put into his knapsack O these are misfortunes
cried Trim pulling out his handkerchief these are misfortunes may it please
your honour worth lying down and crying over
My father could not help blushing
Twould be a pity Trim quoth my uncle Toby thou shouldst ever feel
sorrow of thy own thou feelest it so tenderly for others Alackoday
replied the corporal brightening up his face your honour knows I have neither
wife or child I can have no sorrows in this world My father could not help
smiling As few as any man Trim replied my uncle Toby nor can I see how a
fellow of thy light heart can suffer but from the distress of poverty in thy
old age when thou are passed all services Trim and hast outlived thy
friends An please your honour never fear replied Trim chearily But I
would have thee never fear Trim replied my uncle and therefore continued my
uncle Toby throwing down his crutch and getting up upon his legs as he uttered
the word therefore in recompence Trim of thy long fidelity to me and that
goodness of thy heart I have had such proofs of whilst thy master is worth a
shilling thou shalt never ask elsewhere Trim for a penny Trim attempted to
thank my uncle Toby but had not power tears trickled down his cheeks faster
than he could wipe them off He laid his hands upon his breast made a bow to
the ground and shut the door
I have left Trim my bowlinggreen cried my uncle Toby My father smiled
I have left him moreover a pension continued my uncle Toby My father looked
grave
Chap V
Is this a fit time said my father to himself to talk of PENSIONS and
GRENADIERS
Chap VI
When my uncle Toby first mentioned the grenadier my father I said fell down
with his nose flat to the quilt and as suddenly as if my uncle Toby had shot
him but it was not added that every other limb and member of my father
instantly relapsed with his nose into the same precise attitude in which he lay
first described so that when corporal Trim left the room and my father found
himself disposed to rise off the bed he had all the little preparatory
movements to run over again before he could do it Attitudes are nothing
madam tis the transition from one attitude to another like the preparation
and resolution of the discord into harmony which is all in all
For which reason my father played the same jig over again with his toe upon
the floor pushed the chamberpot still a little farther within the valance
gave a hem raised himself up upon his elbow and was just beginning to
address himself to my uncle Toby when recollecting the unsuccessfulness of his
first effort in that attitude he got upon his legs and in making the third
turn across the room he stopped short before my uncle Toby and laying the
three first fingers of his righthand in the palm of his left and stooping a
little he addressed himself to my uncle Toby as follows
Chap VII
When I reflect brother Toby upon MAN and take a view of that dark side of him
which represents his life as open to so many causes of trouble when I
consider brother Toby how oft we eat the bread of affliction and that we are
born to it as to the portion of our inheritance I was born to nothing quoth
my uncle Toby interrupting my father but my commission Zooks said my
father did not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year What
could I have done without it replied my uncle Toby Thats another concern
said my father testily But I say Toby when one runs over the catalogue of
all the cross reckonings and sorrowful items with which the heart of man is
overcharged tis wonderful by what hidden resources the mind is enabled to
stand it out and bear itself up as it does against the impositions laid upon
our nature Tis by the assistance of Almighty God cried my uncle Toby
looking up and pressing the palms of his hands close together tis not from
our own strength brother Shandy a sentinel in a wooden centrybox might as
well pretend to stand it out against a detachment of fifty men we are upheld
by the grace and the assistance of the best of Beings
That is cutting the knot said my father instead of untying it But
give me leave to lead you brother Toby a little deeper into this mystery
With all my heart replied my uncle Toby
My father instantly exchanged the attitude he was in for that in which
Socrates is so finely painted by Raffael in his school of Athens which your
connoisseurship knows is so exquisitely imagined that even the particular
manner of the reasoning of Socrates is expressed by it for he holds the
forefinger of his lefthand between the forefinger and thumb of his right and
seems as if he was saying to the libertine he is reclaiming »You grant me this
and this and this and this I dont ask of you they follow of themselves
in course«
So stood my father holding fast his forefinger betwixt his finger and his
thumb and reasoning with my uncle Toby as he sat in his old fringed chair
valanced around with partycoloured worsted bobs O Garrick what a rich scene
of this would thy exquisite powers make and how gladly would I write such
another to avail myself of thy immortality and secure my own behind it
Chap VIII
Though man is of all others the most curious vehicle said my father yet at the
same time tis of so slight a frame and so totteringly put together that the
sudden jerks and hard jostlings it unavoidably meets with in this rugged
journey would overset and tear it to pieces a dozen times a day was it not
brother Toby that there is a secret spring within us Which spring said my
uncle Toby I take to be Religion Will that set my childs nose on cried my
father letting go his finger and striking one hand against the other It
makes every thing straight for us answered my uncle Toby Figuratively
speaking dear Toby it may for aught I know said my father but the spring I
am speaking of is that great and elastic power within us of counterbalancing
evil which like a secret spring in a wellordered machine though it cant
prevent the shock at least it imposes upon our sense of it
Now my dear brother said my father replacing his forefinger as he was
coming closer to the point had my child arrived safe into the world
unmartyrd in that precious part of him fanciful and extravagant as I may
appear to the world in my opinion of christian names and of that magic bias
which good or bad names irresistably impress upon our characters and conducts
heaven is witness that in the warmest transports of my wishes for the
prosperity of my child I never once wished to crown his head with more glory
and honour than what GEORGE or EDWARD would have spread around it
But alas continued my father as the greatest evil has befallen him I
must counteract and undo it with the greatest good
He shall be christened Trismegistus brother
I wish it may answer replied my uncle Toby rising up
Chap IX
What a chapter of chances said my father turning himself about upon the first
landing as he and my uncle Toby were going down stairs what a long chapter of
chances do the events of this world lay open to us Take pen and ink in hand
brother Toby and calculate it fairly I know no more of calculations than this
balluster said my uncle Toby striking short of it with his crutch and
hitting my father a desperate blow souse upon his shinbone Twas a hundred
to one cried my uncle Toby I thought quoth my father rubbing his shin
you had known nothing of calculations brother Toby Twas a mere chance said
my uncle Toby Then it adds one to the chapter replied my father
The double success of my fathers repartees tickled off the pain of his shin
at once it was well it so fell out chance again or the world to this
day had never known the subject of my fathers calculation to guess it there
was no chance What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out for it has
saved me the trouble of writing one express and in truth I have enow already
upon my hands without it Have not I promised the world a chapter of knots
two chapters upon the right and the wrong end of a woman a chapter upon
whiskers a chapter upon wishes a chapter of noses No I have done that
a chapter upon my uncle Tobys modesty to say nothing of a chapter upon
chapters which I will finish before I sleep by my great grandfathers
whiskers I shall never get half of em through this year
Take pen and ink in hand and calculate it fairly brother Toby said my
father and it will turn out a million to one that of all the parts of the
body the edge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to fall upon and
break down that one part which should break down the fortunes of our house with
it
It might have been worse replied my uncle Toby I dont comprehend said
my father Suppose the hip had presented replied my uncle Toby as Dr Slop
foreboded
My father reflected half a minute looked down touched the middle of his
forehead slightly with his finger
True said he
Chap X
Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down one pair of
stairs for we are got no farther yet than to the first landing and there are
fifteen more steps down to the bottom and for aught I know as my father and my
uncle Toby are in a talking humour there may be as many chapters as steps
let that be as it will Sir I can no more help it than my destiny A sudden
impulse comes across me drop the curtain Shandy I drop it Strike a line
here across the paper Tristram I strike it and hey for a new chapter
The duce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this affair and
if I had one as I do all things out of all rule I would twist it and tear it
to pieces and throw it into the fire when I had done Am I warm I am and the
cause demands it a pretty story is a man to follow rules or rules to follow
him
Now this you must know being my chapter upon chapters which I promised to
write before I went to sleep I thought it meet to ease my conscience entirely
before I layd down by telling the world all I knew about the matter at once
Is not this ten times better than to set out dogmatically with a sententious
parade of wisdom and telling the world a story of a roasted horse that
chapters relieve the mind that they assist or impose upon the imagination
and that in a work of this dramatic cast they are as necessary as the shifting
of scenes with fifty other cold conceits enough to extinguish the fire which
roasted him O but to understand this which is a puff at the fire of Dianas
temple you must read Longinus read away if you are not a jot the wiser by
reading him the first time over never fear read him again Avicenna and
Licetus read Aristotles metaphysicks forty times through apiece and never
understood a single word But mark the consequence Avicenna turned out a
desperate writer at all kinds of writing for he wrote books de omni scribili
and for Licetus Fortunio though all the world knows he was born a foetus13 of
no more than five inches and a half in length yet he grew to that astonishing
height in literature as to write a book with a title as long as himself the
learned know I mean his Gonopsychanthropologia upon the origin of the human
soul
So much for my chapter upon chapters which I hold to be the best chapter in
my whole work and take my word whoever reads it is full as well employed as
in picking straws
Chap XI
We shall bring all things to rights said my father setting his foot upon the
first step from the landing This Trismegistus continued my father drawing
his leg back and turning to my uncle Toby was the greatest Toby of all
earthly beings he was the greatest king the greatest lawgiver the greatest
philosopher and the greatest priest and engineer said my uncle Toby
In course said my father
Chap XII
And how does your mistress cried my father taking the same step over again
from the landing and calling to Susannah whom he saw passing by the foot of
the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand how does your mistress As
well said Susannah tripping by but without looking up as can be expected
What a fool am I said my father drawing his leg back again let things be as
they will brother Toby tis ever the precise answer And how is the child
pray No answer And where is doctor Slop added my father raising his voice
aloud and looking over the ballusters Susannah was out of hearing
Of all the riddles of a married life said my father crossing the landing
in order to set his back against the wall whilst he propounded it to my uncle
Toby of all the puzzling riddles said he in a marriage state of which you
may trust me brother Toby there are more asses loads than all Jobs stock of
asses could have carried there is not one that has more intricacies in it than
this that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed
every female in it from my ladys gentlewoman down to the cinderwench becomes
an inch taller for it and give themselves more airs upon that single inch than
all their other inches put together
I think rather replied my uncle Toby that tis we who sink an inch lower
If I meet but a woman with child I do it Tis a heavy tax upon that half
of our fellowcreatures brother Shandy said my uncle Toby Tis a piteous
burden upon em continued he shaking his head Yes yes tis a painful
thing said my father shaking his head too but certainly since shaking of
heads came into fashion never did two heads shake together in concert from
two such different springs
God bless
Duce take
em all said my uncle Toby and my father each to himself
Chap XIII
Holla you chairman heres sixpence do step into that booksellers shop
and call me a daytall critick I am very willing to give any one of em a crown
to help me with his tackling to get my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs
and to put them to bed
Tis even high time for except a short nap which they both got whilst
Trim was boring the jackboots and which by the bye did my father no sort of
good upon the score of the bad hinge they have not else shut their eyes since
nine hours before the time that doctor Slop was led into the back parlour in
that dirty pickle by Obadiah
Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this and to take up
truce
I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the
strange state of affairs between the reader and myself just as things stand at
present an observation never applicable before to any one biographical writer
since the creation of the world but to myself and I believe will never hold
good to any other until its final destruction and therefore for the very
novelty of it alone it must be worth your worships attending to
I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelvemonth and
having got as you perceive almost into the middle of my fourth volume and no
farther than to my first days life tis demonstrative that I have three
hundred and sixtyfour days more life to write just now than when I first set
out so that instead of advancing as a common writer in my work with what I
have been doing at it on the contrary I am just thrown so many volumes back
was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this And why not and the
transactions and opinions of it to take up as much description And for what
reason should they be cut short as at this rate I should just live 364 times
faster than I should write It must follow an please your worships that the
more I write the more I shall have to write and consequently the more your
worships read the more your worships will have to read
Will this be good for your worships eyes
It will do well for mine and was it not that my OPINIONS will be the death
of me I perceive shall lead a fine life of it out of this selfsame life of
mine or, in other words, shall lead a couple of fine lives together
As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year or a volume a month it no way
alters my prospect write as I will and rush as I may into the middle of
things as Horace advises I shall never overtake myself whippd and driven
to the last pinch at the worst I shall have one day the start of my pen and
one day is enough for two volumes and two volumes will be enough for one year
Heaven prosper the manufactures of paper under this propitious reign which
is now opend to us as I trust its providence will prosper every thing else
in it that is taken in hand
As for the propagation of Geese I give myself no concern Nature is all
bountiful I shall never want tools to work with
So then friend you have got my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs
and seen them to bed And how did you manage it You droppd a curtain at
the stairs foot I thought you had no other way for it Heres a crown for
your trouble
Chap XIV
Then reach me my breeches off the chair said my father to Susannah There is
not a moments time to dress you Sir cried Susannah the child is as black in
the face as my As your what said my father for like all orators he was a
dear searcher into comparisons Bless me Sir said Susannah the childs in a
fit And wheres Mr Yorick Never where he should be said Susannah but his
curates in the dressingroom with the child upon his arm waiting for the name
and my mistress bid me run as fast as I could to know as captain Shandy is
the godfather whether it should not be called after him
Were one sure said my father to himself scratching his eyebrow that the
child was expiring one might as well compliment my brother Toby as not and
twould be a pity in such a case to throw away so great a name as Trismegistus
upon him But he may recover
No no said my father to Susannah Ill get up There is no time cried
Susannah the childs as black as my shoe Trismegistus said my father But
stay thou art a leaky vessel Susannah added my father canst thou carry
Trismegistus in thy head the length of the gallery without scattering Can I
cried Susannah shutting the door in a huff If she can Ill be shot said my
father bouncing out of bed in the dark and groping for his breeches
Susannah ran with all speed along the gallery
My father made all possible speed to find his breeches
Susannah got the start and kept it Tis Tris something cried Susannah
There is no christian name in the world said the curate beginning with Tris
but Tristram Then tis Tristramgistus quoth Susannah
There is no gistus to it noodle tis my own name replied the curate
dipping his hand as he spoke into the bason Tristram said he etc etc etc
etc so Tristram was I called and Tristram shall I be to the day of my death
My father followed Susannah with his nightgown across his arm with nothing
more than his breeches on fastened through haste with but a single button and
that button through haste thrust only half into the buttonhole
She has not forgot the name cried my father half opening the door No
no said the curate with a tone of intelligence And the child is better
cried Susannah And how does your mistress As well said Susannah as can be
expected Pish said my father the button of his breeches slipping out of the
buttonhole So that whether the interjection was levelled at Susannah or the
buttonhole whether pish was an interjection of contempt or an interjection
of modesty is a doubt and must be a doubt till I shall have time to write the
three following favourite chapters that is my chapter of chambermaids my
chapter of pishes and my chapter of buttonholes
All the light I am able to give the reader at present is this that the
moment my father cried Pish he whiskd himself about and with his breeches
held up by one hand and his nightgown thrown across the arm of the other he
returned along the gallery to bed something slower than he came
Chap XV
I Wish I could write a chapter upon sleep
A fitter occasion could never have presented itself than what this moment
offers when all the curtains of the family are drawn the candles put out
and no creatures eyes are open but a single one for the other has been shut
these twenty years of my mothers nurse
It is a fine subject
And yet as fine as it is I would undertake to write a dozen chapters upon
buttonholes both quicker and with more fame than a single chapter upon this
Buttonholes there is something lively in the very idea of em and
trust me when I get amongst em You gentry with great beards look as grave
as you will Ill make merry work with my buttonholes I shall have em all
to myself tis a maiden subject I shall run foul of no mans wisdom or fine
sayings in it
But for sleep I know I shall make nothing of it before I begin I am no
dab at your fine sayings in the first place and in the next I cannot for my
soul set a grave face upon a bad matter and tell the world tis the refuge of
the unfortunate the enfranchisement of the prisoner the downy lap of the
hopeless the weary and the brokenhearted nor could I set out with a lye in my
mouth by affirming that of all the soft and delicious functions of our nature
by which the great Author of it in his bounty has been pleased to recompence
the sufferings wherewith his justice and his good pleasure has wearied us
that this is the chiefest I know pleasures worth ten of it or what a happiness
it is to man when the anxieties and passions of the day are over and he lays
down upon his back that his soul shall be so seated within him that which ever
way she turns her eyes the heavens shall look calm and sweet above her no
desire or fear or doubt that troubles the air nor any difficulty past
present or to come that the imagination may not pass over without offence in
that sweet secession
»Gods blessing said Sancho Panca be upon the man who first invented
this selfsame thing called sleep it covers a man all over like a cloak« Now
there is more to me in this and it speaks warmer to my heart and affections
than all the dissertations squeezd out of the heads of the learned together
upon the subject
Not that I altogether disapprove of what Montaigne advances upon it tis
admirable in its way I quote by memory
The world enjoys other pleasures says he as they do that of sleep without
tasting or feeling it as it slips and passes by We should study and ruminate
upon it in order to render proper thanks to him who grants it to us for this
end I cause myself to be disturbed in my sleep that I may the better and more
sensibly relish it And yet I see few says he again who live with less sleep
when need requires my body is capable of a firm but not of a violent and
sudden agitation I evade of late all violent exercises I am never weary with
walking but from my youth I never liked to ride upon pavements I love to lie
hard and alone and even without my wife This last word may stagger the faith
of the world but remember »La Vraisemblance as Baylet says in the affair of
Liceti nest pas toujours du Coté de la Verité« And so much for sleep
Chap XVI
If my wife will but venture him brother Toby Trismegistus shall be dressd
and brought down to us whilst you and I are getting our breakfasts together
Go tell Susannah Obadiah to step here
She is run up stairs answered Obadiah this very instant sobbing and
crying and wringing her hands as if her heart would break
We shall have a rare month of it said my father turning his head from
Obadiah and looking wistfully in my uncle Tobys face for some time we shall
have a devilish month of it brother Toby said my father setting his arms
akimbo and shaking his head fire water women wind brother Toby Tis
some misfortune quoth my uncle Toby That it is cried my father to have so
many jarring elements breaking loose and riding triumph in every corner of a
gentlemans house Little boots it to the peace of a family brother Toby that
you and I possess ourselves and sit here silent and unmoved whilst such a
storm is whistling over our heads
And whats the matter Susannah They have called the child Tristram
and my mistress is just got out of an hysterick fit about it No tis not my
fault said Susannah I told him it was Tristram
Make tea for yourself brother Toby said my father taking down his hat
but how different from the sallies and agitations of voice and members which a
common reader would imagine
For he spake in the sweetest modulation and took down his hat with the
gentlest movement of limbs that ever affliction harmonized and attuned
together
Go to the bowlinggreen for corporal Trim said my uncle Toby speaking to
Obadiah as soon as my father left the room
Chap XVII
When the misfortune of my NOSE fell so heavily upon my fathers head the
reader remembers that he walked instantly up stairs and cast himself down upon
his bed and from hence unless he has a great insight into human nature he
will be apt to expect a rotation of the same ascending and descending movements
from him upon this misfortune of my NAME no
The different weight dear Sir nay even the different package of two
vexations of the same weight makes a very wide difference in our manners of
bearing and getting through with them It is not half an hour ago when in
the great hurry and precipitation of a poor devils writing for daily bread I
threw a fair sheet which I had just finished and carefully wrote out slap
into the fire instead of the foul one
Instantly I snatchd off my wig and threw it perpendicularly with all
imaginable violence up to the top of the room indeed I caught it as it fell
but there was an end of the matter nor do I think any thing else in Nature
would have given such immediate ease She dear Goddess by an instantaneous
impulse in all provoking cases determines us to a sally of this or that member
or else she thrusts us into this or that place or posture of body we know
not why But mark madam we live amongst riddles and mysteries the most
obvious things which come in our way have dark sides which the quickest sight
cannot penetrate into and even the clearest and most exalted understandings
amongst us find ourselves puzzled and at a loss in almost every cranny of
natures works so that this like a thousand other things falls out for us in
a way which tho we cannot reason upon it yet we find the good of it may it
please your reverences and your worships and thats enough for us
Now my father could not lie down with this affliction for his life nor
could he carry it up stairs like the other He walked composedly out with it to
the fishpond
Had my father leaned his head upon his hand and reasoned an hour which way
to have gone reason with all her force could not have directed him to any
thing like it there is something Sir in fishponds but what it is I leave
to system builders and fishpond diggers betwixt em to find out but there is
something under the first disorderly transport of the humours so unaccountably
becalming in an orderly and a sober walk towards one of them that I have often
wondered that neither Pythagoras nor Plato nor Solon nor Licurgus nor
Mahomet nor any of your noted lawgivers ever gave order about them
Chap XVIII
Your honour said Trim shutting the parlour door before he began to speak has
heard I imagine of this unlucky accident O yes Trim said my uncle Toby
and it gives me great concern I am heartily concerned too but I hope your
honour replied Trim will do me the justice to believe that it was not in the
least owing to me To thee Trim cried my uncle Toby looking kindly in his
face twas Susannahs and the curates folly betwixt them What business
could they have together anplease your honour in the garden In the
gallery thou meanest replied my uncle Toby
Trim found he was upon a wrong scent and stopped short with a low bow Two
misfortunes quoth the corporal to himself are twice as many at least as are
needful to be talked over at one time the mischief the cow has done in
breaking into the fortifications may be told his honour hereafter Trims
casuistry and address under the cover of his low bow prevented all suspicion
in my uncle Toby so he went on with what he had to say to Trim as follows
For my own part Trim though I can see little or no difference betwixt my
nephews being called Tristram or Trismegistrus yet as the thing sits so near
my brothers heart Trim I would freely have given a hundred pounds rather
than it should have happened A hundred pounds anplease your honour replied
Trim I would not give a cherrystone to boot Nor would I Trim upon my own
account quoth my uncle Toby but my brother whom there is no arguing with in
this case maintains that a great deal more depends Trim upon christian
names than what ignorant people imagine for he says there never was a great
or heroic action performed since the world began by one called Tristram nay he
will have it Trim that a man can neither be learned or wise or brave Tis
all a fancy anplease your honour I fought just as well replied the
corporal when the regiment called me Trim as when they called me James Butler
And for my own part said my uncle Toby though I should blush to boast of
myself Trim yet had my name been Alexander I could have done no more at
Namur than my duty Bless your honour cried Trim advancing three steps as he
spoke does a man think of his christian name when he goes upon the attack Or
when he stands in the trench Trim cried my uncle Toby looking firm Or when
he enters a breach said Trim pushing in between two chairs Or forces the
lines cried my uncle rising up and pushing his crutch like a pike Or facing
a platoon cried Trim presenting his stick like a firelock Or when he marches
up the glacis cried my uncle Toby looking warm and setting his foot upon his
stool
Chap XIX
My father was returned from his walk to the fishpond and opened the
parlourdoor in the very height of the attack just as my uncle Toby was
marching up the glacis Trim recovered his arms never was my uncle Toby
caught riding at such a desperate rate in his life Alas my uncle Toby had not
a weightier matter called forth all the ready eloquence of my father how hadst
thou then and thy poor HOBBYHORSE too have been insulted
My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it down and after
giving a slight look at the disorder of the room he took hold of one of the
chairs which had formed the corporals breach and placing it overagainst my
uncle Toby he sat down in it and as soon as the teathings were taken away and
the door shut he broke out in a lamentation as follows
My Fathers Lamentation
It is in vain longer said my father addressing himself as much to Ernulphuss
curse which was laid upon the corner of the chimneypiece as to my uncle
Toby who sat under it it is in vain longer said my father in the most
querulous monotone imaginable to struggle as I have done against this most
uncomfortable of human persuasions I see it plainly that either for my own
sins brother Toby or the sins and follies of the Shandyfamily heaven has
thought fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artillery against me and that the
prosperity of my child is the point upon which the whole force of it is directed
to play Such a thing would batter the whole universe about our ears brother
Shandy said my uncle Toby if it was so Unhappy Tristram child of wrath
child of decrepitude interruption mistake and discontent What one misfortune
or disaster in the book of embryotic evils that could unmechanize thy frame or
entangle thy filaments which has not fallen upon thy head or ever thou camest
into the world what evils in thy passage into it What evils since
produced into being in the decline of thy fathers days when the powers of
his imagination and of his body were waxing feeble when radical heat and
radical moisture the elements which should have temperd thine were drying up
and nothing left to found thy stamina in but negations tis pitiful
brother Toby at the best and called out for all the little helps that care and
attention on both sides could give it But how were we defeated You know the
event brother Toby tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now when the
few animal spirits I was worth in the world and with which memory fancy and
quick parts should have been conveyd were all dispersed confused
confounded scattered and sent to the devil
Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecution against him
and tried an experiment at least whether calmness and serenity of mind in your
sister with a due attention brother Toby to her evacuations and repletions
and the rest of her nonnaturals might not in a course of nine months
gestation have set all things to rights My child was bereft of these What
a teazing life did she lead herself and consequently her foetus too with that
nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying in in town I thought my sister
submitted with the greatest patience replied my uncle Toby I never heard her
utter one fretful word about it She fumed inwardly cried my father and
that let me tell you brother was ten times worse for the child and then
what battles did she fight with me and what perpetual storms about the midwife
There she gave vent said my uncle Toby Vent cried my father looking up
But what was all this my dear Toby to the injuries done us by my childs
coming head foremost into the world when all I wished in this general wreck of
his frame was to have saved this little casket unbroke unrifled
With all my precautions how was my system turned topside turvy in the womb
with my child his head exposed to the hand of violence and a pressure of 470
pounds averdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon its apex that at this
hour tis ninety per Cent insurance that the fine network of the intellectual
web be not rent and torn to a thousand tatters
Still we could have done Fool coxcomb puppy give him but a NOSE
Cripple Dwarf Driviller Goosecap shape him as you will the door of
Fortune stands open O Licetus Licetus had I been blest with a foetus five
inches long and a half like thee fate might have done her worst
Still brother Toby there was one cast of the dye left for our child after
all O Tristram Tristram Tristram
We will send for Mr Yorick said my uncle Toby
You may send for whom you will replied my father
Chap XX
What a rate have I gone on at curvetting and frisking it away two up and two
down for four volumes together without looking once behind or even on one side
of me to see whom I trod upon Ill tread upon no one quoth I to myself
when I mounted Ill take a good rattling gallop but Ill not hurt the poorest
jackass upon the road So off I set up one lane down another through this
turnpike over that as if the archjockeys had got behind me
Now ride at this rate with what good intention and resolution you may
tis a million to one youll do some one a mischief if not yourself Hes
flung hes off hes lost his seat hes down hell break his neck see
if he has not galloped full amongst the scaffolding of the undertaking
criticks hell knock his brains out against some of their posts hes
bounced out look hes now riding like a madcap full tilt through a whole
crowd of painters fiddlers poets biographers physicians lawyers logicians
players schoolmen churchmen statesmen soldiers casuists connoisseurs
prelates popes and engineers Dont fear said I Ill not hurt the poorest
jackass upon the kings highway But your horse throws dirt see youve
splashd a bishop I hope in God twas only Ernulphus said I But you have
squirted full in the faces of Mess Le Moyne De Romigny and De Marcilly
doctors of the Sorbonne That was last year replied I But you have trod this
moment upon a king Kings have bad times ont said I to be trod upon by
such people as me
You have done it replied my accuser
I deny it quoth I and so have got off and here am I standing with my
bridle in one hand and with my cap in the other to tell my story And what is
it You shall hear in the next chapter
Chap XXI
As Francis the First of France was one winterly night warming himself over the
embers of a wood fire and talking with his first minister of sundry things for
the good of the state14 it would not be amiss said the king stirring up the
embers with his cane if this good understanding betwixt ourselves and
Switzerland was a little strengthened There is no end Sire replied the
minister in giving money to these people they would swallow up the treasury
of France Poo poo answered the king there are more ways Mons le
Premier of bribing states besides that of giving money Ill pay Switzerland
the honour of standing godfather for my next child Your majesty said the
minister in so doing would have all the grammarians in Europe upon your back
Switzerland as a republick being a female can in no construction be
godfather She may be godmother replied Francis hastily so announce my
intentions by a courier to morrow morning
I am astonished said Francis the First that day fortnight speaking to
his minister as he entered the closet that we have had no answer from
Switzerland Sire I wait upon you this moment said Mons le Premier to lay
before you my dispatches upon that business They take it kindly said the
king They do Sire replied the minister and have the highest sense of the
honour your majesty has done them but the republick as godmother claims her
right in this case of naming the child
In all reason quoth the king she will christen him Francis or Henry or
Lewis or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us Your majesty is
deceived replied the minister I have this hour received a dispatch from our
resident with the determination of the republick on that point also And what
name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin Shadrach Mesech and
Abednego replied the minister By saint Peters girdle I will have nothing
to do with the Swiss cried Francis the First pulling up his breeches and
walking hastily across the floor
Your majesty replied the minister calmly cannot bring yourself off
Well pay them in money said the king
Sire there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury answered the
minister Ill pawn the best jewel in my crown quoth Francis the First
Your honour stands pawnd already in this matter answered Monsieur le
Premier
Then Mons le Premier said the king by well go to war with em
Chap XXII
Albeit gentle reader I have lusted earnestly and endeavoured carefully
according to the measure of such slender skill as God has vouchsafed me and as
convenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime
have permitted that these little books which I here put into thy hands might
stand instead of many bigger books yet have I carried myself towards thee in
such fanciful guise of careless disport that right sore am I ashamed now to
entreat thy lenity seriously in beseeching thee to believe it of me that in
the story of my father and his christennames I had no thoughts of treading
upon Francis the First nor in the affair of the nose upon Francis the Ninth
nor in the character of my uncle Toby of characterizing the militiating
spirits of my country the wound upon his groin is a wound to every comparison
of that kind nor by Trim that I meant the duke of Ormond or that my book
is wrote against predestination or free will or taxes If tis wrote against
any thing tis wrote anplease your worships against the spleen in order
by a more frequent and more convulsive elevation and depression of the
diaphragm and the succussations of the intercostal and abdominal muscles in
laughter to drive the gall and other bitter juices from the gallbladder
liver and sweetbread of his majestys subjects with all the inimicitious
passions which belong to them down into their duodenums
Chap XXIII
But can the thing be undone Yorick said my father for in my opinion
continued he it cannot I am a vile canonist replied Yorick but of all
evils holding suspense to be the most tormenting we shall at least know the
worst of this matter I hate these great dinners said my father The size of
the dinner is not the point answered Yorick we want Mr Shandy to dive into
the bottom of this doubt whether the name can be changed or not and as the
beards of so many commissaries officials advocates proctors registers and
of the most able of our schooldivines and others are all to meet in the
middle of one table and Didius has so pressingly invited you who in your
distress would miss such an occasion All that is requisite continued Yorick
is to apprize Didius and let him manage a conversation after dinner so as to
introduce the subject Then my brother Toby cried my father clapping his two
hands together shall go with us
Let my old tyewig quoth my uncle Toby and my laced regimentals be hung
to the fire all night Trim
Chap XXV
No doubt Sir there is a whole chapter wanting here and a chasm of ten
pages made in the book by it but the bookbinder is neither a fool or a knave
or a puppy nor is the book a jot more imperfect at least upon that score
but on the contrary the book is more perfect and complete by wanting the
chapter than having it as I shall demonstrate to your reverences in this
manner I question first by the bye whether the same experiment might not be
made as successfully upon sundry other chapters but there is no end an
please your reverences in trying experiments upon chapters we have had enough
of it So theres an end of that matter
But before I begin my demonstration let me only tell you that the chapter
which I have torn out and which otherwise you would all have been reading just
now instead of this was the description of my fathers my uncle Tobys
Trims and Obadiahs setting out and journeying to the visitations at
Well go in the coach said my father Prithee have the arms been altered
Obadiah It would have made my story much better to have begun with telling
you that at the time my mothers arms were added to the Shandys when the
coach was repainted upon my fathers marriage it had so fallen out that the
coach painter whether by performing all his works with the lefthand like
Turpilius the Roman or Hans Holbein of Basil or whether twas more from the
blunder of his head than hand or whether lastly it was from the sinister
turn which every thing relating to our family was apt to take It so fell out
however to our reproach that instead of the bend dexter which since Harry the
Eighths reign was honestly our due a bend sinister by some of these
fatalities had been drawn quite across the field of the Shandyarms Tis
scarce credible that the mind of so wise a man as my father was could be so
much incommoded with so small a matter The word coach let it be whose it
would or coachman or coachhorse or coachhire could never be named in the
family but he constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of Illegitimacy
upon the door of his own he never once was able to step into the coach or out
of it without turning round to take a view of the arms and making a vow at the
same time that it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it again
till the bendsinister was taken out but like the affair of the hinge it was
one of the many things which the Destinies had set down in their books ever to
be grumbled at and in wiser families than ours but never to be mended
Has the bendsinister been brushd out I say said my father There has
been nothing brushd out Sir answered Obadiah but the lining Well go
ohorseback said my father turning to Yorick Of all things in the world
except politicks the clergy know the least of heraldry said Yorick No matter
for that cried my father I should be sorry to appear with a blot in my
escutcheon before them Never mind the bendsinister said my uncle Toby
putting on his tyewig No indeed said my father you may go with my aunt
Dinah to a visitation with a bendsinister if you think fit My poor uncle
Toby blushd My father was vexed at himself No my dear brother Toby said
my father changing his tone but the damp of the coachlining about my loins
may give me the Sciatica again as it did December January and February last
winter so if you please you shall ride my wifes pad and as you are to
preach Yorick you had better make the best of your way before and leave me
to take care of my brother Toby and to follow at our own rates
Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out was the description of this
cavalcade in which corporal Trim and Obadiah upon two coachhorses abreast
led the way as slow as a patrole whilst my uncle Toby in his laced
regimentals and tyewig kept his rank with my father in deep roads and
dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and arms as each could
get the start
But the painting of this journey upon reviewing it appears to be so much
above the stile and manner of any thing else I have been able to paint in this
book that it could not have remained in it without depreciating every other
scene and destroying at the same time that necessary equipoise and balance
whether of good or bad betwixt chapter and chapter from whence the just
proportions and harmony of the whole work results For my own part I am but
just set up in the business so know little about it but in my opinion to
write a book is for all the world like humming a song be but in tune with
yourself madam tis no matter how high or how low you take it
This is the reason may it please your reverences that some of the lowest
and flattest compositions pass off very well as Yorick told my uncle Toby one
night by siege My uncle Toby looked brisk at the sound of the word siege
but could make neither head or tail of it
Im to preach at court next Sunday said Homenas run over my notes so I
hummd over doctor Homenass notes the modulations very well twill do
Homenas if it holds on at this rate so on I hummd and a tolerable tune I
thought it was and to this hour may it please your reverences had never found
out how long how flat how spiritless and jejune it was but that all of a
sudden up started an air in the middle of it so fine so rich so heavenly
it carried my soul up with it into the other world now had I as Montaigne
complained in a parallel accident had I found the declivity easy or the
ascent accessible certes I had been outwitted Your notes Homenas I should
have said are good notes but it was so perpendicular a precipice so wholly
cut off from the rest of the work that by the first note I hummd I found
myself flying into the other world and from thence discovered the vale from
whence I came so deep so low and dismal that I shall never have the heart to
descend into it again
A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own size take
my word is a dwarf in more articles than one And so much for tearing out of
chapters
Chap XXVI
See if he is not cutting it all into slips and giving them about him to light
their pipes Tis abominable answered Didius it should not go unnoticed
said doctor Kysarcius he was of the Kysarcij of the low countries
Methinks said Didius half rising from his chair in order to remove a
bottle and a tall decanter which stood in a direct line betwixt him and Yorick
you might have spared this sarcastick stroke and have hit upon a more proper
place Mr Yorick or at least upon a more proper occasion to have shewn your
contempt of what we have been about If the Sermon is of no better worth than to
light pipes with twas certainly Sir not good enough to be preached before
so learned a body and if twas good enough to be preached before so learned a
body twas certainly Sir too good to light their pipes with afterwards
I have got him fast hung up quoth Didius to himself upon one of the two
horns of my dilemma let him get off as he can
I have undergone such unspeakable torments in bringing forth this sermon
quoth Yorick upon this occasion that I declare Didius I would suffer
martyrdom and if it was possible my horse with me a thousand times over
before I would sit down and make such another I was delivered of it at the
wrong end of me it came from my head instead of my heart and it is for the
pain it gave me both in the writing and preaching of it that I revenge myself
of it in this manner To preach to shew the extent of our reading or the
subtleties of our wit to parade it in the eyes of the vulgar with the beggarly
accounts of a little learning tinseled over with a few words which glitter but
convey little light and less warmth is a dishonest use of the poor single half
hour in a week which is put into our hands Tis not preaching the gospel but
ourselves For my own part continued Yorick I had rather direct five words
point blank to the heart
As Yorick pronounced the word point blank my uncle Toby rose up to say
something upon projectiles when a single word and no more uttered from the
opposite side of the table drew every ones ears towards it a word of all
others in the dictionary the last in that place to be expected a word I am
ashamed to write yet must be written must be read illegal uncanonical
guess ten thousand guesses multiplied into themselves rack torture your
invention for ever youre where you was In short Ill tell it in the next
chapter
Chap XXVII
Zounds Zds cried Phutatorius partly to
himself and yet high enough to be heard and what seemed odd twas uttered
in a construction of look and in a tone of voice somewhat between that of a
man in amazement and of one in bodily pain
One or two who had very nice ears and could distinguish the expression and
mixture of the two tones as plainly as a third or a fifth or any other chord in
musick were the most puzzled and perplexed with it the concord was good in
itself but then twas quite out of the key and no way applicable to the
subject started so that with all their knowledge they could not tell what in
the world to make of it
Others who knew nothing of musical expression and merely lent their ears to
the plain import of the word imagined that Phutatorius who was somewhat of a
cholerick spirit was just going to snatch the cudgels out of Didiuss hands in
order to bemawl Yorick to some purpose and that the desperate monosyllable
Zds was the exordium to an oration which as they judged from the sample
presaged but a rough kind of handling of him so that my uncle Tobys good
nature felt a pang for what Yorick was about to undergo But seeing Phutatorius
stop short without any attempt or desire to go on a third party began to
suppose that it was no more than an involuntary respiration casually forming
itself into the shape of a twelvepenny oath without the sin or substance of
one
Others and especially one or two who sat next him looked upon it on the
contrary as a real and substantial oath propensly formed against Yorick to
whom he was known to bear no good liking which said oath as my father
philosophized upon it actually lay fretting and fuming at that very time in the
upper regions of Phutatoriuss purtenance and so was naturally and according
to the due course of things first squeezed out by the sudden influx of blood
which was driven into the right ventricle of Phutatoriuss heart by the stroke
of surprize which so strange a theory of preaching had excited
How finely we argue upon mistaken facts
There was not a soul busied in all these various reasonings upon the
monosyllable which Phutatorius uttered who did not take this for granted
proceeding upon it as from an axiom namely that Plutatoriuss mind was intent
upon the subject of debate which was arising between Didius and Yorick and
indeed as he looked first towards the one and then towards the other with the
air of a man listening to what was going forwards who would not have thought
the same But the truth was that Phutatorius knew not one word or one syllable
of what was passing but his whole thoughts and attention were taken up with a
transaction which was going forwards at that very instant within the precincts
of his own Galligaskins and in a part of them where of all others he stood
most interested to watch accidents So that notwithstanding he looked with all
the attention in the world and had gradually skrewed up every nerve and muscle
in his face to the utmost pitch the instrument would bear in order as it was
thought to give a sharp reply to Yorick who sat overagainst him Yet I say
was Yorick never once in any one domicile of Phutatoriuss brain but the true
cause of his exclamation lay at least a yard below
This I will endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable decency
You must be informed then that Gastripheres who had taken a turn into the
kitchen a little before dinner to see how things went on observing a
wickerbasket of fine chesnuts standing upon the dresser had ordered that a
hundred or two of them might be roasted and sent in as soon as dinner was over
Gastripheres inforcing his orders about them that Didius but Phutatorius
especially were particularly fond of em
About two minutes before the time that my uncle Toby interrupted Yoricks
harangue Gastripheres chesnuts were brought in and as Phutatoriuss
fondness for em was uppermost in the waiters head he laid them directly
before Phutatorius wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin
Now whether it was physically impossible with half a dozen hands all thrust
into the napkin at a time but that some one chesnut of more life and
rotundity than the rest must be put in motion it so fell out however that
one was actually sent rolling off the table and as Phutatorius sat straddling
under it fell perpendicularly into that particular aperture of Phutatoriuss
breeches for which to the shame and indelicacy of our language be it spoke
there is no chaste word throughout all Johnsons dictionary let it suffice to
say it was that particular aperture which in all good societies the laws of
decorum do strictly require like the temple of Janus in peace at least to be
universally shut up
The neglect of this punctilio in Phutatorius which by the bye should be a
warning to all mankind had opened a door to this accident
Accident I call it in compliance to a received mode of speaking but
in no opposition to the opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in this matter
I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it and are so to
this hour That there was nothing of accident in the whole event but that the
chesnuts taking that particular course and in a manner of its accord and
then falling with all its heat directly into that one particular place and no
other was a real judgment upon Phutatorius for that filthy and obscene
treatise de Concubinis retinendis which Phutatorius had published about twenty
years ago and was that identical week going to give the world a second edition
of
It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy much undoubtedly
may be wrote on both sides of the question all that concerns me as an
historian is to represent the matter of fact and render it credible to the
reader that the hiatus in Phutatoriuss breeches was sufficiently wide to
receive the chesnut and that the chesnut some how or other did fall
perpendicularly and piping hot into it without Phutatoriuss perceiving it or
any one else at that time
The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted was not undelectable for the
first twenty or five and twenty seconds and did no more than gently solicit
Phutatoriuss attention towards the part But the heat gradually increasing
and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure and
then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain the soul of
Phutatorius together with all his ideas his thoughts his attention his
imagination judgment resolution deliberation ratiocination memory fancy
with ten batallions of animal spirits all tumultuously crouded down through
different defiles and circuits to the place in danger leaving all his upper
regions as you may imagine as empty as my purse
With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him back
Phutatorius was not able to dive into the secret of what was going forwards
below nor could he make any kind of conjecture what the devil was the matter
with it However as he knew not what the true cause might turn out he deemed
it most prudent in the situation he was in at present to bear it if possible
like a stoick which with the help of some wry faces and compursions of the
mouth he had certainly accomplished had his imagination continued neuter but
the sallies of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this kind a
thought instantly darted into his mind that tho the anguish had the sensation
of glowing heat it might notwithstanding that be a bite as well as a burn
and if so that possibly a Newt or an Asker or some such detested reptile had
crept up and was fastening his teeth the horrid idea of which with a fresh
glow of pain arising that instant from the chesnut seized Phutatorius with a
sudden panick and in the first terrifying disorder of the passion it threw him
as it has done the best generals upon earth quite off his guard the effect
of which was this that he leapt incontinently up uttering as he rose that
interjection of surprise so much discanted upon with the aposiopestick break
after it marked thus Zds which though not strictly canonical was still
as little as any man could have said upon the occasion and which by the
bye whether canonical or not Phutatorius could no more help than he could the
cause of it
Though this has taken up some time in the narrative it took up little more
time in the transaction than just to allow time for Phutatorius to draw forth
the chesnut and throw it down with violence upon the floor and for Yorick to
rise from his chair and pick the chesnut up
It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the mind
What incredible weight they have in forming and governing our opinions both of
men and things that trifles light as air shall waft a belief into the soul
and plant it so immoveably within it that Euclids demonstrations could they
be brought to batter it in breach should not all have power to overthrow it
Yorick I said picked up the chesnut which Phutatoriuss wrath had flung
down the action was trifling I am ashamed to account for it he did it for
no reason but that he thought the chesnut not a jot worse for the adventure
and that he held a good chesnut worth stooping for But this incident
trifling as it was wrought differently in Phutatoriuss head He considered
this act of Yoricks in getting off his chair and picking up the chesnut as a
plain acknowledgment in him that the chesnut was originally his and in
course that it must have been the owner of the chesnut and no one else who
could have plaid him such a prank with it What greatly confirmed him in this
opinion was this that the table being parallelogramical and very narrow it
afforded a fair opportunity for Yorick who sat directly overagainst
Phutatorius of slipping the chesnut in and consequently that he did it The
look of something more than suspicion which Phutatorius cast full upon Yorick
as these thoughts arose too evidently spoke his opinion and as Phutatorius
was naturally supposed to know more of the matter than any person besides his
opinion at once became the general one and for a reason very different from
any which have been yet given in a little time it was put out of all manner of
dispute
When great or unexpected events fall out upon the stage of this sublunary
world the mind of man which is an inquisitive kind of a substance naturally
takes a flight behind the scenes to see what is the cause and first spring of
them The search was not long in this instance
It was well known that Yorick had never a good opinion of the treatise which
Phutatorius had wrote de Concubinis retinendis as a thing which he feared had
done hurt in the world and twas easily found out that there was a mystical
meaning in Yoricks prank and that his chucking the chesnut hot into
Phutatoriuss was a sarcastical fling at his book the
doctrines of which they said had inflamed many an honest man in the same
place
This conceit awakend Somnolentus made Agelastes smile and if you can
recollect the precise look and air of a mans face intent in finding out a
riddle it threw Gastripheres into that form and in short was thought by
many to be a masterstroke of archwit
This as the reader has seen from one end to the other was as groundless as
the dreams of philosophy Yorick no doubt as Shakespear said of his ancestor
»was a man of jest« but it was temperd with something which withheld him from
that and many other ungracious pranks of which he as undeservedly bore the
blame but it was his misfortune all his life to bear the imputation of saying
and doing a thousand things of which unless my esteem blinds me his nature was
incapable All I blame him for or rather all I blame and alternately like him
for was that singularity of his temper which would never suffer him to take
pains to set a story right with the world however in his power In every ill
usage of that sort he acted precisely as in the affair of his lean horse he
could have explained it to his honour but his spirit was above it and besides
he ever looked upon the inventor the propagator and believer of an illiberal
report alike so injurious to him he could not stoop to tell his story to them
and so trusted to time and truth to do it for him
This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many respects in the
present it was followed by the fixed resentment of Phutatorius who as Yorick
had just made an end of his chesnut rose up from his chair a second time to
let him know it which indeed he did with a smile saying only that he would
endeavour not to forget the obligation
But you must mark and carefully separate and distinguish these two things in
your mind
The smile was for the company
The threat was for Yorick
Chap XXVIII
Can you tell me quoth Phutatorius speaking to Gastripheres who sat next to
him for one would not apply to a surgeon in so foolish an affair can you
tell me Gastripheres what is best to take out the fire Ask Eugenius said
Gastripheres That greatly depends said Eugenius pretending ignorance of the
adventure upon the nature of the part If it is a tender part and a part
which can conveniently be wrapt up It is both the one and the other replied
Phutatorius laying his hand as he spoke with an emphatical nod of his head
upon the part in question and lifting up his right leg at the same time to ease
and ventilate it If that is the case said Eugenius I would advise you
Phutatorius not to tamper with it by any means but if you will send to the
next printer and trust your cure to such a simple thing as a soft sheet of
paper just come off the press you need do nothing more than twist it round
The damp paper quoth Yorick who sat next to his friend Eugenius though I know
it has a refreshing coolness in it yet I presume is no more than the vehicle
and that the oil and lampblack with which the paper is so strongly impregnated
does the business Right said Eugenius and is of any outward application I
would venture to recommend the most anodyne and safe
Was it my case said Gastripheres as the main thing is the oil and
lampblack I should spread them thick upon a rag and clap it on directly That
would make a very devil of it replied Yorick And besides added Eugenius it
would not answer the intention which is the extreme neatness and elegance of
the prescription which the faculty hold to be half in half for consider if
the type is a very small one which it should be the sanative particles which
come into contact in this form have the advantage of being spread so infinitely
thin and with such a mathematical equality fresh paragraphs and large capitals
excepted as no art or management of the spatula can come up to It falls out
very luckily replied Phutatorius that the second edition of my treatise de
Concubinis retinendis is at this instant in the press You may take any leaf
of it said Eugenius No matter which provided quoth Yorick there is no
bawdry in it
They are just now replied Phutatorius printing off the ninth chapter
which is the last chapter but one in the book Pray what is the title to that
chapter said Yorick making a respectful bow to Phutatorius as he spoke I
think answered Phutatorius tis that de re concubinariâ
For heavens sake keep out of that chapter quoth Yorick
By all means added Eugenius
Chap XXIX
Now quoth Didius rising up and laying his righthand with his fingers
spread upon his breast had such a blunder about a christianname happened
before the reformation It happened the day before yesterday quoth my uncle
Toby to himself and when baptism was administerd in Latin Twas all in
English said my uncle Many things might have coincided with it and upon the
authority of sundry decreed cases to have pronounced the baptism null with a
power of giving the child a new name Had a priest for instance which was no
uncommon thing through ignorance of the Latin tongue baptized a child of
TomoStiles in nomino patriæ amp filia amp spiritum sanctos the baptism
was held null I beg your pardon replied Kysarcius in that case as the
mistake was only in the terminations the baptism was valid and to have
rendered it null the blunder of the priest should have fallen upon the first
syllable of each noun and not as in your case upon the last
My father delighted in subtleties of this kind and listend with infinite
attention
Gastripheres for example continued Kysarcius baptizes a child of John
Stradlings in Gomine gatris etc etc instead of in Nomine patris etc Is
this a baptism No say the ablest canonists inasmuch as the radix of each
word is hereby torn up and the sense and meaning of them removed and changed
quite to another object for Gomine does not signify a name nor gatris a father
What do they signify said my uncle Toby Nothing at all quoth Yorick
Ergo such a baptism is null said Kysarcius In course answered Yorick in a
tone two parts jest and one part earnest
But in the case cited continued Kysarcius where patrim is put for patris
filia for filij and so on as it is a fault only in the declension and the
roots of the words continue untouchd the inflexions of their branches either
this way or that does not in any sort hinder the baptism inasmuch as the same
sense continues in the words as before But then said Didius the intention of
the priests pronouncing them grammatically must have been proved to have gone
along with it Right answered Kysarcius and of this brother Didius we have
an instance in a decree of the decretals of Pope Leo the IIId But my
brothers child cried my uncle Toby has nothing to do with the Pope tis the
plain child of a Protestant gentleman christend Tristram against the wills and
wishes both of its father and mother and all who are akin to it
If the wills and wishes said Kysarcius interrupting my uncle Toby of
those only who stand related to Mr Shandys child were to have weight in this
matter Mrs Shandy of all people has the least to do in it My uncle Toby
layd down his pipe and my father drew his chair still closer to the table to
hear the conclusion of so strange an introduction
It has not only been a question captain Shandy amongst the15 best lawyers
and civilians in this land continued Kysarcius »Whether the mother be of kin
to her child« but after much dispassionate enquiry and jactitation of the
arguments on all sides it has been adjudged for the negative namely »That
the mother is not of kin to her child16« My father instantly clappd his hand
upon my uncle Tobys mouth under colour of whispering in his ear the truth
was he was alarmed for Lillabullero and having a great desire to hear more of
so curious an argument he beggd my uncle Toby for heavens sake not to
disappoint him in it My uncle Toby gave a nod resumed his pipe and
contenting himself with whistling Lillabullero inwardly Kysarcius Didius and
Triptolemus went on with the discourse as follows
This determination continued Kysarcius how contrary soever it may seem to
run to the stream of vulgar ideas yet had reason strongly on its side and has
been put out of all manner of dispute from the famous case known commonly by
the name of the Duke of Suffolks case It is cited in Brook said Triptolemus
And taken notice of by Lord Coke added Didius And you may find it in
Swinburn on Testaments said Kysarcius
The case Mr Shandy was this
In the reign of Edward the Sixth Charles Duke of Suffolk having issue a son
by one venter and a daughter by another venter made his last will wherein he
devised goods to his son and died after whose death the son died also but
without will without wife and without child his mother and his sister by the
fathers side for she was born of the former venter then living The mother
took the administration of her sons goods according to the statute of the 21st
of Harry the Eighth whereby it is enacted That in case any person die
intestate the administration of his goods shall be committed to the next of
kin
The administration being thus surreptitiously granted to the mother the
sister by the fathers side commenced a suit before the Ecclesiastical Judge
alledging 1st That she herself was next of kin and 2dly That the mother was
not of kin at all to the party deceased and therefore prayd the court that
the administration granted to the mother might be revoked and be committed unto
her as next of kin to the deceased by force of the said statute
Hereupon as it was a great cause and much depending upon its issue and
many causes of great property likely to be decided in times to come by the
precedent to be then made the most learned as well in the laws of this realm
as in the civil law were consulted together whether the mother was of kin to
her son or no Whereunto not only the temporal lawyers but the
churchlawyers the jurisconsulti the jurisprudentes the civilians the
advocates the commissaries the judges of the consistory and prerogative
courts of Canterbury and York with the master of the faculties were all
unanimously of opinion That the mother was not of17 kin to her child
And what said the Duchess of Suffolk to it said my uncle Toby
The unexpectedness of my uncle Tobys question confounded Kysarcius more
than the ablest advocate He stoppd a full minute looking in my uncle Tobys
face without replying and in that single minute Triptolemus put by him and
took the lead as follows
Tis a ground and principle in the law said Triptolemus that things do not
ascend but descend in it and I make no doubt tis for this cause that however
true it is that the child may be of the blood or seed of its parents that the
parents nevertheless are not of the blood and seed of it inasmuch as the
parents are not begot by the child but the child by the parents For so they
write Liberi sunt de sanguine patris amp matris sed pater et mater non sunt
de sanguine liberorum
But this Triptolemus cried Didius proves too much for from this
authority cited it would follow not only what indeed is granted on all sides
that the mother is not of kin to her child but the father likewise It is
held said Triptolemus the better opinion because the father the mother and
the child though they be three persons yet are they but una caro18 one
flesh and consequently no degree of kindred or any method of acquiring one in
nature There you push the argument again too far cried Didius for there is
no prohibition in nature though there is in the levitical law but that a man
may beget a child upon his grandmother in which case supposing the issue a
daughter she would stand in relation both of But who ever thought cried
Kysarcius of laying with his grandmother The young gentleman replied
Yorick whom Selden speaks of who not only thought of it but justified his
intention to his father by the argument drawn from the law of retaliation
»You layd Sir with my mother said the lad why may not I lay with yours«
Tis the Argumentum commune added Yorick Tis as good replied Eugenius
taking down his hat as they deserve
The company broke up
Chap XXX
And pray said my uncle Toby leaning upon Yorick as he and my father were
helping him leisurely down the stairs dont be terrified madam this
staircase conversation is not so long as the last And pray Yorick said my
uncle Toby which way is this said affair of Tristram at length settled by these
learned men Very satisfactorily replied Yorick no mortal Sir has any
concern with it for Mrs Shandy the mother is nothing at all akin to him and
as the mothers is the surest side Mr Shandy in course is still less than
nothing In short he is not as much akin to him Sir as I am
That may well be said my father shaking his head
Let the learned say what they will there must certainly quoth my uncle
Toby have been some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess of Suffolk and
her son
The vulgar are of the same opinion quoth Yorick to this hour
Chap XXXI
Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learned
discourses twas still but like the anointing of a broken bone The moment he
got home the weight of his afflictions returned upon him but so much the
heavier as is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips from under us He
became pensive walked frequently forth to the fishpond let down one loop of
his hat sighd often forbore to snap and as the hasty sparks of temper
which occasion snapping so much assist perspiration and digestion as
Hippocrates tells us he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them
had not his thoughts been critically drawn off and his health rescued by a
fresh train of disquietudes left him with a legacy of a thousand pounds by my
aunt Dinah
My father had scarce read the letter when taking the thing by the right
end he instantly begun to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out mostly
to the honour of his family A hundred and fifty odd projects took possession
of his brains by turns he would do this and that and tother he would go
to Rome he would go to law he would buy stock he would buy John Hobsons
farm he would new forefront his house and add a new wing to make it even
There was a fine watermill on this side and he would build a windmill on the
other side of the river in full view to answer it But above all things in the
world he would inclose the great Oxmoor and send out my brother Bobby
immediately upon his travels
But as the sum was finite and consequently could not do every thing and
in truth very few of these to any purpose of all the projects which offered
themselves upon this occasion the two last seemed to make the deepest
impression and he would infallibly have determined upon both at once but for
the small inconvenience hinted at above which absolutely put him under a
necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other
This was not altogether so easy to be done for though tis certain my
father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my brothers
education and like a prudent man had actually determined to carry it into
execution with the first money that returned from the second creation of
actions in the Missisippischeme in which he was an adventurer yet the
Oxmoor which was a fine large whinny undrained unimproved common
belonging to the Shandyestate had almost as old a claim upon him He had long
and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise to some account
But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of things as
made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice of their claims
like a wise man he had refrained entering into any nice or critical examination
about them So that upon the dismission of every other project at this crisis
the two old projects the OXMOOR and my BROTHER divided him again and so
equal a match were they for each other as to become the occasion of no small
contest in the old gentlemans mind which of the two should be set ogoing
first
People may laugh as they will but the case was this
It had ever been the custom of the family and by length of time was almost
become a matter of common right that the eldest son of it should have free
ingress egress and regress into foreign parts before marriage not only for
the sake of bettering his own private parts by the benefit of exercise and
change of so much air but simply for the mere delectation of his fancy by the
feather put into his cap of having been abroad tantum valet my father would
say quantum sonat
Now as this was a reasonable and in course a most christian indulgence to
deprive him of it without why or wherefore and thereby make an example of
him as the first Shandy unwhirld about Europe in a postchaise and only
because he was a heavy lad would be using him ten times worse than a Turk
On the other hand the case of the Oxmoor was full as hard
Exclusive of the original purchasemoney which was eight hundred pounds
it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in a lawsuit about fifteen
years before besides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation
It had been moreover in possession of the Shandyfamily ever since the
middle of the last century and though it lay full in view before the house
bounded on one extremity by the watermill and on the other by the projected
windmill spoken of above and for all these reasons seemed to have the
fairest title of any part of the estate to the care and protection of the family
yet by an unaccountable fatality common to men as well as the ground they
tread on it had all along most shamefully been overlookd and to speak the
truth of it had suffered so much by it that it would have made any mans heart
have bled Obadiah said who understood the value of land to have rode over it
and only seen the condition it was in
However as neither the purchasing this tract of ground nor indeed the
placing of it where it lay were either of them properly speaking of my
fathers doing he had never thought himself any way concerned in the affair
till the fifteen years before when the breaking out of that cursed lawsuit
mentioned above and which had arose about its boundaries which being
altogether my fathers own act and deed it naturally awakened every other
argument in its favour and upon summing them all up together he saw not
merely in interest but in honour he was bound to do something for it and
that now or never was the time
I think there must certainly have been a mixture of illluck in it that the
reasons on both sides should happen to be so equally balanced by each other for
though my father weighd them in all humours and conditions spent many an
anxious hour in the most profound and abstracted meditation upon what was best
to be done reading books of farming one day books of travels another
laying aside all passion whatever viewing the arguments on both sides in all
their lights and circumstances communing every day with my uncle Toby
arguing with Yorick and talking over the whole affair of the Oxmoor with
Obadiah yet nothing in all that time appeared so strongly in behalf of the
one which was not either strictly applicable to the other or at least so far
counterbalanced by some consideration of equal weight as to keep the scales
even
For to be sure with proper helps and in the hands of some people tho the
Oxmoor would undoubtedly have made a different appearance in the world from
what it did or ever would do in the condition it lay yet every tittle of this
was true with regard to my brother Bobby let Obadiah say what he would
In point of interest the contest I own at first sight did not appear so
undecisive betwixt them for whenever my father took pen and ink in hand and
set about calculating the simple expence of paring and burning and fencing in
the Oxmoor etc etc with the certain profit it would bring him in return
the latter turned out so prodigiously in his way of working the account that
you would have sworn the Oxmoor would have carried all before it For it was
plain he should reap a hundred lasts of rape at twenty pounds a last the very
first year besides an excellent crop of wheat the year following and the
year after that to speak within bounds a hundred but in all likelihood a
hundred and fifty if not two hundred quarters of pease and beans besides
potatoes without end But then to think he was all this while breeding up my
brother like a hog to eat them knocked all on the head again and generally
left the old gentleman in such a state of suspence that as he often declared
to my uncle Toby he knew no more than his heels what to do
No body but he who has felt it can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to
have a mans mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength both
obstinately pulling in a contrary direction at the same time For to say nothing
of the havock which by a certain consequence is unavoidably made by it all over
the finer system of the nerves which you know convey the animal spirits and
more subtle juices from the heart to the head and so on It is not to be told
in what a degree such a wayward kind of friction works upon the more gross and
solid parts wasting the fat and impairing the strength of a man every time as
it goes backwards and forwards
My father had certainly sunk under this evil as certainly as he had done
under that of my CHRISTIAN NAME had he not been rescued out of it as he was
out of that by a fresh evil the misfortune of my brother Bobbys death
What is the life of man Is it not to shift from side to side from sorrow
to sorrow to button up one cause of vexation and unbutton another
Chap XXXII
From this moment I am to be considered as heirapparent to the Shandy family
and it is from this point properly that the story of my LIFE and my OPINIONS
sets out with all my hurry and precipitation I have but been clearing the
ground to raise the building and such a building do I foresee it will turn
out as never was planned and as never was executed since Adam In less than
five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire and the little drop of
thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my inkhorn after it I have
but half a score things to do in the time I have a thing to name a thing to
lament a thing to hope a thing to promise and a thing to threaten I have
a thing to suppose a thing to declare a thing to conceal a thing to chuse
and a thing to pray for This chapter therefore I name the chapter of THINGS
and my next chapter to it that is the first chapter of my next volume if I
live shall be my chapter upon WHISKERS in order to keep up some sort of
connection in my works
The thing I lament is that things have crowded in so thick upon me that I
have not been able to get into that part of my work towards which I have all
the way looked forwards with so much earnest desire and that is the
campaigns but especially the amours of my uncle Toby the events of which are
of so singular a nature and so Cervantick a cast that if I can so manage it
as to convey but the same impressions to every other brain which the
occurrences themselves excite in my own I will answer for it the book shall
make its way in the world much better than its master has done before it Oh
Tristram Tristram can this but be once brought about the credit which will
attend thee as an author shall counterbalance the many evils which have
befallen thee as a man thou wilt feast upon the one when thou hast lost all
sense and remembrance of the other
No wonder I itch so much as I do to get at these amours They are the
choicest morsel of my whole story and when I do get at em assure yourselves
good folks nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takes offence at it I
shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words and thats the thing I
have to declare I shall never get all through in five minutes that I fear
and the thing I hope is that your worships and reverences are not offended if
you are depend upont Ill give you something my good gentry next year to be
offended at thats my dear Jennys way but who my Jenny is and which is
the right and which the wrong end of a woman is the thing to be concealed it
shall be told you the next chapter but one to my chapter of buttonholes and
not one chapter before
And now that you have just got to the end of these four volumes the thing
I have to ask is how you feel your heads my own akes dismally as for your
healths I know they are much better True Shandeism think what you will
against it opens the heart and lungs and like all those affections which
partake of its nature it forces the blood and other vital fluids of the body to
run freely thro its channels and makes the wheel of life run long and
chearfully round
Was I left like Sancho Pança to chuse my kingdom it should not be maritime
or a kingdom of blacks to make a penny of no it should be a kingdom of
hearty laughing subjects And as the bilious and more saturnine passions by
creating disorders in the blood and humours have as bad an influence I see
upon the body politick as body natural and as nothing but a habit of virtue
can fully govern those passions and subject them to reason I should add to my
prayer that God would give my subjects grace to be as WISE as they were MERRY
and then should I be the happiest monarch and they the happiest people under
heaven
And so with this moral for the present may it please your worships and
your reverences I take my leave of you till this time twelvemonth when
unless this vile cough kills me in the mean time Ill have another pluck at
your beards and lay open a story to the world you little dream of
Finis
Volume V
Dixero si quid fortè jocosius hoc mihi juris
Cum venia dabis
Hor
Si quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet theologum aut
mordacius quam deceat Christianum non Ego sed Democritus dixit
Erasmus
To the Right Honourable John
Lord Viscount Spencer
My Lord
I humbly beg leave to offer you these two Volumes they are the best my
talents with such bad health as I have could produce had providence granted
me a larger stock of either they had been a much more proper present to your
Lordship
I beg your Lordship will forgive me if at the same time I dedicate this
work to you I join Lady Spencer in the liberty I take of inscribing the story
of Le Fever in the sixth volume to her name for which I have no other motive
which my heart has informed me of but that the story is a humane one
I am
My Lord
Your Lordships
Most devoted
And most humble Servant
Laur Sterne
Chap I
If it had not been for those two mettlesome tits and that madcap of a
postilion who drove them from Stilton to Stamford the thought had never
entered my head He flew like lightning there was a slope of three miles and
a half we scarce touched the ground the motion was most rapid most
impetuous twas communicated to my brain my heart partook of it »By the
great God of day« said I looking towards the sun and thrusting my arm out of
the forewindow of the chaise as I made my vow »I will lock up my study door
the moment I get home and throw the key of it ninety feet below the surface of
the earth into the drawwell at the back of my house«
The London waggon confirmed me in my resolution it hung tottering upon the
hill scarce progressive dragd dragd up by eight heavy beasts »by main
strength quoth I nodding but your betters draw the same way and
something of every bodies O rare«
Tell me ye learned shall we for ever be adding so much to the bulk so
little to the stock
Shall we for ever make new books as apothecaries make new mixtures by
pouring only out of one vessel into another
Are we for ever to be twisting and untwisting the same rope for ever in
the same track for ever at the same pace
Shall we be destined to the days of eternity on holydays as well as
workingdays to be shewing the relicks of learning as monks do the relicks of
their saints without working one one single miracle with them
Who made MAN with powers which dart him from earth to heaven in a moment
that great that most excellent and most noble creature of the world the
miracle of nature as Zoroaster in his book peri pyseos called him the
SHEKINAH of the divine presence as Chrysostom the image of God as Moses
the ray of divinity as Plato the marvel of marvels as Aristotle to go
sneaking on at this pitiful pimping pettifogging rate
I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the occasion but if there is no
catachresis in the wish and no sin in it I wish from my soul that every
imitator in Great Britain France and Ireland had the farcy for his pains and
that there was a good farcical house large enough to hold aye and sublimate
them shagrag and bobtail male and female all together and this leads me to
the affair of Whiskers but by what chain of ideas I leave as a legacy in
mort main to Prudes and Tartufs to enjoy and make the most of
Upon Whiskers
Im sorry I made it twas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered a mans
head A chapter upon whiskers alas the world will not bear it tis a
delicate world but I knew not of what mettle it was made nor had I ever seen
the underwritten fragment otherwise as surely as noses are noses and whiskers
are whiskers still let the world say what it will to the contrary so surely
would I have steered clear of this dangerous chapter
The Fragment
You
are half asleep my good lady said the old gentleman taking hold of the old
ladys hand and giving it a gentle squeeze as he pronounced the word Whiskers
shall we change the subject By no means replied the old lady I like your
account of these matters so throwing a thin gauze handkerchief over her head
and leaning it back upon the chair with her face turned towards him and
advancing her two feet as she reclined herself I desire continued she you
will go on
The old gentleman went on as follows Whiskers cried the queen of
Navarre dropping her knottingball as La Fosseuse uttered the word
Whiskers madam said La Fosseuse pinning the ball to the queens apron and
making a courtesy as she repeated it
La Fosseuses voice was naturally soft and low yet twas an articulate
voice and every letter of the word whiskers fell distinctly upon the queen of
Navarres ear Whiskers cried the queen laying a greater stress upon the
word and as if she had still distrusted her ears Whiskers replied La
Fosseuse repeating the word a third time There is not a cavalier madam of
his age in Navarre continued the maid of honour pressing the pages interest
upon the queen that has so gallant a pair Of what cried Margaret smiling
Of whiskers said La Fosseuse with infinite modesty
The word whiskers still stood its ground and continued to be made use of in
most of the best companies throughout the little kingdom of Navarre
notwithstanding the indiscreet use which La Fosseuse had made of it the truth
was La Fosseuse had pronounced the word not only before the queen but upon
sundry other occasions at court with an accent which always implied something
of a mystery And as the court of Margaret as all the world knows was at
that time a mixture of gallantry and devotion and whiskers being as
applicable to the one as the other the word naturally stood its ground it
gaind full as much as it lost that is the clergy were for it the laity were
against it and for the women they were divided
The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur de Croix was at
that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour towards the
terras before the palace gate where the guard was mounted The lady de
Baussiere fell deeply in love with him La Battarelle did the same it was
the finest weather for it that ever was remembered in Navarre La Guyol La
Maronette La Sabatiere fell in love with the Sieur de Croix also La Rebours
and La Fosseuse knew better De Croix had failed in an attempt to recommend
himself to La Rebours and La Rebours and La Fosseuse were inseparable
The queen of Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the painted bowwindow
facing the gate of the second court as De Croix passed through it He is
handsome said the Lady Baussiere He has a good mien said La Battarelle
He is finely shaped said La Guyol I never saw an officer of the horseguards
in my life said La Maronette with two such legs Or who stood so well upon
them said La Sabatiere But he has no whiskers cried La Fosseuse Not a
pile said La Rebours
The queen went directly to her oratory musing all the way as she walked
through the gallery upon the subject turning it this way and that way in her
fancy Ave Maria what can La Fosseuse mean said she kneeling down upon
the cushion
La Guyol La Battarelle La Maronette La Sabatiere retired instantly to
their chambers Whiskers said all four of them to themselves as they bolted
their doors on the inside
The Lady Carnavallette was counting her beads with both hands unsuspected
under her farthingal from St Antony down to St Ursula inclusive not a saint
passed through her fingers without whiskers St Francis St Dominick St
Bennet St Basil St Bridget had all whiskers
The Lady Baussiere had got into a wilderness of conceits with moralizing
too intricately upon La Fosseuses text She mounted her palfry her page
followed her the host passed by the lady Baussiere rode on
One denier cried the order of mercy one single denier in behalf of a
thousand patient captives whose eyes look towards heaven and you for their
redemption
The Lady Baussiere rode on
Pity the unhappy said a devout venerable hoaryheaded man meekly holding
up a box begirt with iron in his withered hands I beg for the unfortunate
good my lady tis for a prison for an hospital tis for an old man a
poor man undone by shipwreck by suretyship by fire I call Cod and all his
angels to witness tis to cloath the naked to feed the hungry tis to
comfort the sick and the broken hearted
The Lady Baussiere rode on
A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground
The Lady Baussiere rode on
He ran begging bareheaded on one side of her palfry conjuring her by the
former bonds of friendship alliance consanguinity etc Cousin aunt
sister mother for virtues sake for your own for mine for Christs sake
remember me pity me
The Lady Baussiere rode on
Take hold of my whiskers said the Lady Baussiere The page took hold of
her palfry She dismounted at the end of the terrace
There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints of themselves
about our eyes and eyebrows and there is a consciousness of it somewhere
about the heart which serves but to make these etchings the stronger we see
spell and put them together without a dictionary
Ha ha hee hee cried La Guyol and La Sabatiere looking close at each
others prints Ho ho cried La Battarelle and Maronette doing the same
Whist cried one st st said a second hush quoth a third poo poo
replied a fourth gramercy cried the Lady Carnavallette twas she who
bewhiskerd St Bridget
La Fosseuse drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair and having traced the
outline of a small whisker with the blunt end of it upon one side of her upper
lip put it into La Rebourss hand La Rebours shook her head
The Lady Baussiere coughd thrice into the inside of her muff La Guyol
smiled Fy said the Lady Baussiere The queen of Navarre touched her eye with
the tip of her fore finger as much as to say I understand you all
Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined La Fosseuse had given it
a wound and it was not the better for passing through all these defiles It
made a faint stand however for a few months by the expiration of which the
Sieur de Croix finding it high time to leave Navarre for want of whiskers the
word in course became indecent and after a few efforts absolutely unfit for
use
The best word in the best language of the best world must have suffered
under such combinations The curate of dEstella wrote a book against them
setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas and warning the Navarois against
them
Does not all the world know said the curate dEstella at the conclusion of
his work that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago in most parts of
Europe which Whiskers have now done in the kingdom of Navarre The evil indeed
spread no further then but have not beds and bolsters and nightcaps and
chamberpots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since Are not trouse and
placketholes and pumphandles and spigots and faucets in danger still from
the same association Chastity by nature the gentlest of all affections
give it but its head tis like a rampaging and a roaring lion
The drift of the curate dEstellas argument was not understood They ran
the scent the wrong way The world bridled his ass at the tail And when the
extreams of DELICACY and the beginnings of CONCUPISCENCE hold their next
provincial chapter together they may decree that bawdy also
Chap II
When my father received the letter which brought him the melancholy account of
my brother Bobbys death he was busy calculating the expence of his riding post
from Calais to Paris and so on to Lyons
Twas a most inauspicious journey my father having had every foot of it to
travel over again and his calculation to begin afresh when he had almost got
to the end of it by Obadiahs opening the door to acquaint him the family was
out of yeast and to ask whether he might not take the great coachhorse early
in the morning and ride in search of some With all my heart Obadiah said
my father pursuing his journey take the coachhorse and welcome But he
wants a shoe poor creature said Obadiah Poor creature said my uncle Toby
vibrating the note back again like a string in unison Then ride the Scotch
horse quoth my father hastily He cannot bear a saddle upon his back quoth
Obadiah for the whole world The devils in that horse then take PATRIOT
cried my father and shut the door PATRIOT is sold said Obadiah Heres
for you cried my father making a pause and looking in my uncle Tobys face
as if the thing had not been a matter of fact Your worship ordered me to sell
him last April said Obadiah Then go on foot for your pains cried my father
I had much rather walk than ride said Obadiah shutting the door
What plagues cried my father going on with his calculation But the
waters are out said Obadiah opening the door again
Till that moment my father who had a map of Sansons and a book of the
post roads before him had kept his hand upon the head of his compasses with
one foot of them fixed upon Nevers the last stage he had paid for purposing
to go on from that point with his journey and calculation as soon as Obadiah
quitted the room but this second attack of Obadiahs in opening the door and
laying the whole country under water was too much He let go his compasses
or rather with a mixed motion betwixt accident and anger he threw them upon the
table and then there was nothing for him to do but to return back to Calais
like many others as wise as he had set out
When the letter was brought into the parlour which contained the news of my
brothers death my father had got forwards again upon his journey to within a
stride of the compasses of the very same stage of Nevers By your leave Mons
Sanson cried my father striking the point of his compasses through Nevers into
the table and nodding to my uncle Toby to see what was in the letter
twice of one night is too much for an English gentleman and his son Mons
Sanson to be turned back from so lousy a town as Nevers what thinkst thou
Toby added my father in a sprightly tone Unless it be a garrison town said
my uncle Toby for then I shall be a fool said my father smiling to
himself as long as I live So giving a second nod and keeping his compasses
still upon Nevers with one hand and holding his book of the postroads in the
otherhalf calculating and half listening he leaned forwards upon the table
with both elbows as my uncle Toby hummed over the letter
hes gone said my uncle Toby Where Who cried my father My
nephew said my uncle Toby What without leave without money without
governor cried my father in amazement No he is dead my dear brother quoth
my uncle Toby Without being ill cried my father again I dare say not
said my uncle Toby in a low voice and fetching a deep sigh from the bottom of
his heart he has been ill enough poor lad Ill answer for him for he is
dead
When Agrippina was told of her sons death Tacitus informs us that not
being able to moderate the violence of her passions she abruptly broke off her
work My father stuck his compasses into Nevers but so much the faster What
contrarieties his indeed was a matter of calculation Agrippinas must have
been quite a different affair who else could pretend to reason from history
How my father went on in my opinion deserves a chapter to itself
Chap III
And a chapter it shall have and a devil of a one too so look to
yourselves
Tis either Plato or Plutarch or Seneca or Xenophon or Epictetus or
Theophrastus or Lucian or some one perhaps of later date either Cardan or
Budæus or Petrarch or Stella or possibly it may be some divine or father of
the church St Austin or St Cyprian or Barnard who affirms that it is an
irresistable and natural passion to weep for the loss of our friends or children
and Seneca Im positive tells us somewhere that such griefs evacuate
themselves best by that particular channel And accordingly we find that
David wept for his son Absolom Adrian for his Antinous Niobe for her
children and that Apollodorus and Crito both shed tears for Socrates before his
death
My father managed his affliction otherwise and indeed differently from most
men either ancient or modern for he neither wept it away as the Hebrews and
the Romans or slept it off as the Laplanders or hangd it as the English
or drowned it as the Germans nor did he curse it or damn it or
excommunicate it or rhyme it or lillabullero it
He got rid of it however
Will your worships give me leave to squeeze in a story between these two
pages
When Tully was bereft of his dear daughter Tullia at first he laid it to
his heart he listened to the voice of nature and modulated his own unto it
O my Tullia my daughter my child still still still twas O my
Tullia my Tullia Methinks I see my Tullia I hear my Tullia I talk with my
Tullia But as soon as he began to look into the stores of philosophy and
consider how many excellent things might be said upon the occasion no body
upon earth can conceive says the great orator how happy how joyful it made
me
My father was as proud of his eloquence as MARCUS TULLIUS CICERO could be
for his life and for aught I am convinced of to the contrary at present with
as much reason it was indeed his strength and his weakness too His
strength for he was by nature eloquent and his weakness for he was hourly
a dupe to it and provided an occasion in life would but permit him to shew his
talents or say either a wise thing a witty or a shrewd one bating the case
of a systematick misfortune he had all he wanted A blessing which tied up
my fathers tongue and a misfortune which set it loose with a good grace were
pretty equal sometimes indeed the misfortune was the better of the two for
instance where the pleasure of the harangue was as ten and the pain of the
misfortune but as five my father gained half in half and consequently was as
well again off as it never had befallen him
This clue will unravel what otherwise would seem very inconsistent in my
fathers domestick character and it is this that in the provocations arising
from the neglects and blunders of servants or other mishaps unavoidable in a
family his anger or rather the duration of it eternally ran counter to all
conjecture
My father had a favourite little mare which he had consigned over to a most
beautiful Arabian horse in order to have a pad out of her for his own riding
he was sanguine in all his projects so talked about his pad every day with as
absolute a security as if it had been reared broke and bridled and saddled
at his door ready for mounting By some neglect or other in Obadiah it so fell
out that my fathers expectations were answered with nothing better than a
mule and as ugly a beast of the kind as ever was produced
My mother and my uncle Toby expected my father would be the death of Obadiah
and that there never would be an end of the disaster See here you rascal
cried my father pointing to the mule what you have done It was not me said
Obadiah How do I know that replied my father
Triumph swam in my fathers eyes at the repartee the Attic salt brought
water into them and so Obadiah heard no more about it
Now let us go back to my brothers death
Philosophy has a fine saying for every thing For Death it has an entire
set the misery was they all at once rushed into my fathers head that twas
difficult to string them together so as to make any thing of a consistent show
out of them He took them as they came«
»Tis an inevitable chance the first statute in Magnâ Chartâ it is an
everlasting act of parliament my dear brother All must die«
»If my son could not have died it had been matter of wonder not that he
is dead«
»Monarchs and princes dance in the same ring with us«
» To die is the great debt and tribute due unto nature tombs and
monuments which should perpetuate our memories pay it themselves and the
proudest pyramid of them all which wealth and science have erected has lost
its apex and stands obtruncated in the travellers horizon« My father found
he got great ease and went on »Kingdoms and provinces and towns and cities
have they not their periods and when those principles and powers which at
first cemented and put them together have performed their several evolutions
they fall back« Brother Shandy said my uncle Toby laying down his pipe at
the word evolutions Revolutions I meant quoth my father by heaven I
meant revolutions brother Toby evolutions is nonsense Tis not nonsense
said my uncle Toby But is it not nonsense to break the thread of such a
discourse upon such an occasion cried my father do not dear Toby
continued he taking him by the hand do not do not I beseech thee interrupt
me at this crisis My uncle Toby put his pipe into his mouth
»Where is Troy and Mycenæ and Thebes and Delos and Persepolis and
Agrigentum« continued my father taking up his book of postroads which he
had laid down »What is become brother Toby of Nineveh and Babylon of
Cizicum and Mitylenæ The fairest towns that ever the sun rose upon are now no
more the names only are left and those for many of them are wrong spelt are
falling themselves by piecemeals to decay and in length of time will be
forgotten and involved with every thing in a perpetual night the world itself
brother Toby must must come to an end
Returning out of Asia when I sailed from Ægina towards Megara« when can
this have been thought my uncle Toby »I began to view the country round about
Ægina was behind me Megara was before Pyræus on the right hand Corinth on the
left What flourishing towns now prostrate upon the earth Alas alas said I
to myself that man should disturb his soul for the loss of a child when so
much as this lies awfully buried in his presence Remember said I to myself
again remember thou art a man«
Now my uncle Toby knew not that this last paragraph was an extract of
Servius Sulpiciuss consolatory letter to Tully He had as little skill
honest man in the fragments as he had in the whole pieces of antiquity And
as my father whilst he was concerned in the Turky trade had been three or four
different times in the Levant in one of which he had staid a whole year and a
half at Zant my uncle Toby naturally concluded that in some one of these
periods he had taken a trip across the Archipelago into Asia and that all this
sailing affair with Ægina behind and Megara before and Pyræus on the right
hand etc etc was nothing more than the true course of my fathers voyage and
reflections Twas certainly in his manner and many an undertaking critick
would have built two stories higher upon worse foundations And pray brother
quoth my uncle Toby laying the end of his pipe upon my fathers hand in a
kindly way of interruption but waiting till he finished the account what
year of our Lord was this Twas no year of our Lord replied my father
Thats impossible cried my uncle Toby Simpleton said my father twas
forty years before Christ was born
My uncle Toby had but two things for it either to suppose his brother to be
the wandering Jew or that his misfortunes had disordered his brain »May the
Lord God of heaven and earth protect him and restore him« said my uncle Toby
praying silently for my father and with tears in his eyes
My father placed the tears to a proper account and went on with his
harangue with great spirit
»There is not such great odds brother Toby betwixt good and evil as the
world imagines« this way of setting off by the bye was not likely to cure
my uncle Tobys suspicions »Labour sorrow grief sickness want and woe
are the sauces of life« Much good may it do them said my uncle Toby to
himself
»My son is dead so much the better tis a shame in such a tempest to
have but one anchor«
»But he is gone for ever from us be it so He is got from under the hands
of his barber before he was bald he is but risen from a feast before he was
surfeited from a banquet before he had got drunken«
»The Thracians wept when a child was born« and we were very near it
quoth my uncle Toby »and feasted and made merry when a man went out of the
world and with reason Death opens the gate of fame and shuts the gate of
envy after it it unlooses the chain of the captive and puts the bondsmans
task into another mans hands«
»Shew me the man who knows what life is who dreads it and Ill shew thee
a prisoner who dreads his liberty«
Is it not better my dear brother Toby for mark our appetites are but
diseases is it not better not to hunger at all than to eat not to thirst
than to take physick to cure it
Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues from love and melancholy
and the other hot and cold fits of life than like a galled traveller who comes
weary to his inn to be bound to begin his journey afresh
There is no terror brother Toby in its looks but what it borrows from
groans and convulsions and the blowing of noses and the wiping away of tears
with the bottoms of curtains in a dying mans room Strip it of these what is
it Tis better in battle than in bed said my uncle Toby Take away its
herses its mutes and its mourning its plumes scutcheons and other
mechanic aids What is it Better in battle continued my father smiling
for he had absolutely forgot my brother Bobby tis terrible no way for
consider brother Toby when we are death is not and when death is we are
not My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to consider the proposition my fathers
eloquence was too rapid to stay for any man away it went and hurried my
uncle Tobys ideas along with it
For this reason continued my father tis worthy to recollect how little
alteration in great men the approaches of death have made Vespasian died in
a jest upon his close stool Galba with a sentence Septimius Severus in a
dispatch Tiberius in dissimulation and Cæsar Augustus in a compliment I
hope twas a sincere one quoth my uncle Toby
Twas to his wife said my father
Chap IV
And lastly for all the choice anecdotes which history can produce of this
matter continued my father this like the gilded dome which covers in the
fabrick crowns all
Tis of Cornelius Gallus the prætor which I dare say brother Toby you
have read I dare say I have not replied my uncle He died said my father
as And if it was with his wife
said my uncle Toby there could be no hurt in it Thats more than I know
replied my father
Chap V
My mother was going very gingerly in the dark along the passage which led to the
parlour as my uncle Toby pronounced the word wife Tis a shrill penetrating
sound of itself and Obadiah had helped it by leaving the door a little ajar
so that my mother heard enough of it to imagine herself the subject of the
conversation so laying the edge of her finger across her two lips holding in
her breath and bending her head a little downwards with a twist of her neck
not towards the door but from it by which means her ear was brought to the
chink she listened with all her powers the listening slave with the
Goddess of Silence at his back could not have given a finer thought for an
intaglio
In this attitude I am determined to let her stand for five minutes till I
bring up the affairs of the kitchen as Rapin does those of the church to the
same period
Chap VI
Though in one sense our family was certainly a simple machine as it consisted
of a few wheels yet there was thus much to be said for it that these wheels
were set in motion by so many different springs and acted one upon the other
from such a variety of strange principles and impulses that though it was a
simple machine it had all the honour and advantages of a complex one and a
number of as odd movements within it as ever were beheld in the inside of a
Dutch silkmill
Amongst these there was one I am going to speak of in which perhaps it
was not altogether so singular as in many others and it was this that
whatever motion debate harangue dialogue project or dissertation was going
forwards in the parlour there was generally another at the same time and upon
the same subject running parallel along with it in the kitchen
Now to bring this about whenever an extraordinary message or letter was
delivered in the parlour or a discourse suspended till a servant went out
or the lines of discontent were observed to hang upon the brows of my father or
mother or in short when any thing was supposed to be upon the tapis worth
knowing or listening to twas the rule to leave the door not absolutely shut
but somewhat ajar as it stands just now which under covert of the bad
hinge and that possibly might be one of the many reasons why it was never
mended it was not difficult to manage by which means in all these cases a
passage was generally left not indeed as wide as the Dardanells but wide
enough for all that to carry on as much of this windward trade as was
sufficient to save my father the trouble of governing his house my mother at
this moment stands profiting by it Obadiah did the same thing as soon as he
had left the letter upon the table which brought the news of my brothers death
so that before my father had well got over his surprize and entered upon his
harangue had Trim got upon his legs to speak his sentiments upon the
subject
A curious observer of nature had he been worth the inventory of all Jobs
stock though by the bye your curious observers are seldom worth a groat
would have given the half of it to have heard Corporal Trim and my father two
orators so contrasted by nature and education haranguing over the same bier
My father a man of deep reading prompt memory with Cato and Seneca and
Epictetus at his fingers ends
The corporal with nothing to remember of no deeper reading than his
musterroll or greater names at his fingers end than the contents of it
The one proceeding from period to period by metaphor and allusion and
striking the fancy as he went along as men of wit and fancy do with the
entertainment and pleasantry of his pictures and images
The other without wit or antithesis or point or turn this way or that
but leaving the images on one side and the pictures on the other going strait
forwards as nature could lead him to the heart O Trim would to heaven thou
hadst a better historian would thy historian had a better pair of
breeches O ye criticks will nothing melt you
Chap VII
My young master in London is dead said Obadiah
A green sattin nightgown of my mothers which had been twice scoured
was the first idea which Obadiahs exclamation brought into Susannahs head
Well might Locke write a chapter upon the imperfections of words Then quoth
Susannah we must all go into mourning But note a second time the word
mourning notwithstanding Susannah made use of it herself failed also of doing
its office it excited not one single idea tinged either with grey or black
all was green The green sattin nightgown hung there still
O twill be the death of my poor mistress cried Susannah My mothers
whole wardrobe followed What a procession her red damask her
orangetawny her white and yellow lutestrings her brown taffata her
bonelaced caps her bedgowns and comfortable underpetticoats Not a rag
was left behind »No she will never look up again« said Susannah
We had a fat foolish scullion my father I think kept her for her
simplicity she had been all autumn struggling with a dropsy He is dead
said Obadiah he is certainly dead So am not I said the foolish scullion
Here is sad news Trim cried Susannah wiping her eyes as Trim stepd
into the kitchen master Bobby is dead and buried the funeral was an
interpolation of Susannahs we shall have all to go into mourning said
Susannah
I hope not said Trim You hope not cried Susannah earnestly The
mourning ran not in Trims head whatever it did in Susannahs I hope said
Trim explaining himself I hope in God the news is not true I heard the letter
read with my own ears answered Obadiah and we shall have a terrible piece of
work of it in stubbing the oxmoor Oh hes dead said Susannah As sure
said the scullion as I am alive
I lament for him from my heart and my soul said Trim fetching a sigh
Poor creature poor boy poor gentleman
He was alive last Whitsontide said the coachman Whitsontide alas
cried Trim extending his right arm and falling instantly into the same
attitude in which he read the sermon what is Whitsontide Jonathan for that
was the coachmans name or Shrovetide or any tide or time past to this Are
we not here now continued the corporal striking the end of his stick
perpendicularly upon the floor so as to give an idea of health and stability
and are we not dropping his hat upon the ground gone in a moment Twas
infinitely striking Susannah burst into a flood of tears We are not stocks
and stones Jonathan Obadiah the cookmaid all melted The foolish fat
scullion herself who was scouring a fishkettle upon her knees was rousd with
it The whole kitchen crouded about the corporal
Now as I perceive plainly that the preservation of our constitution in
church and state and possibly the preservation of the whole world or what
is the same thing the distribution and balance of its property and power may
in time to come depend greatly upon the right understanding of this stroke of
the corporals eloquence I do demand your attention your worships and
reverences for any ten pages together take them where you will in any other
part of the work shall sleep for it at your ease
I said »we were not stocks and stones« tis very well I should have
added nor are we angels I wish we were but men cloathed with bodies and
governed by our imaginations and what a junketting piece of work of it there
is betwixt these and our seven senses especially some of them for my own
part I own it I am ashamed to confess Let it suffice to affirm that of all
the senses the eye for I absolutely deny the touch though most of your
Barbati I know are for it has the quickest commerce with the soul gives a
smarter stroke and leaves something more inexpressible upon the fancy than
words can either convey or sometimes get rid of
Ive gone a little about no matter tis for health let us only carry
it back in our mind to the mortality of Trims hat »Are we not here now
and gone in a moment« There was nothing in the sentence twas one of your
selfevident truths we have the advantage of hearing every day and if Trim had
not trusted more to his hat than his head he had made nothing at all of it
»Are we not here now« continued the corporal »and are we not«
dropping his hat plumb upon the ground and pausing before he pronounced the
word »gone in a moment« The descent of the hat was as if a heavy lump of
clay had been kneaded into the crown of it Nothing could have expressed the
sentiment of mortality of which it was the type and forerunner like it his
hand seemed to vanish from under it it fell dead the corporals eye fixd
upon it as upon a corps and Susannah burst into a flood of tears
Now Ten thousand and ten thousand times ten thousand for matter and
motion are infinite are the ways by which a hat may be dropped upon the ground
without any effect Had he flung it or thrown it or cast it or skimmed it
or squirted or let it slip or fall in any possible direction under heaven or
in the best direction that could be given to it had he dropped it like a
goose like a puppy like an ass or in doing it or even after he had done
had he looked like a fool like a ninny like a nicompoop it had faild
and the effect upon the heart had been lost
Ye who govern this mighty world and its mighty concerns with the engines of
eloquence who heat it and cool it and melt it and mollify it and then
harden it again to your purpose
Ye who wind and turn the passions with this great windlass and having
done it lead the owners of them whither ye think meet
Ye lastly who drive and why not Ye also who are driven like turkeys
to market with a stick and a red clout meditate meditate I beseech you
upon Trims hat
Chap VIII
Stay I have a small account to settle with the reader before Trim can go on
with his harangue It shall be done in two minutes
Amongst many other bookdebts all of which I shall discharge in due time
I own myself a debtor to the world for two items a chapter upon chambermaids
and buttonholes which in the former part of my work I promised and fully
intended to pay off this year but some of your worships and reverences telling
me that the two subjects especially so connected together might endanger the
morals of the world I pray the chapter upon chambermaids and buttonholes
may be forgiven me and that they will accept of the last chapter in lieu of
it which is nothing ant please your reverences but a chapter of
chambermaids greengowns and old hats
Trim took his off the ground put it upon his head and then went on
with his oration upon death in manner and form following
Chap IX
To us Jonathan who know not what want or care is who live here in the
service of two of the best of masters bating in my own case his majesty King
William the Third whom I had the honour to serve both in Ireland and Flanders
I own it that from Whitsontide to within three weeks of Christmas tis not
long tis like nothing but to those Jonathan who know what death is and
what havock and destruction he can make before a man can well wheel about
tis like a whole age O Jonathan twould make a goodnatured mans heart
bleed to consider continued the corporal standing perpendicularly how low
many a brave and upright fellow has been laid since that time And trust me
Susy added the corporal turning to Susannah whose eyes were swiming in water
before that time comes round again many a bright eye will be dim
Susannah placed it to the right side of the page she wept but she courtsied
too Are we not continued Trim looking still at Susannah are we not like a
flower of the field a tear of pride stole in betwixt every two tears of
humiliation else no tongue could have described Susannahs affliction is not
all flesh grass Tis clay tis dirt They all looked directly at the
scullion the scullion had just been scouring a fishkettle It was not
fair
What is the finest face that ever man looked at I could hear Trim talk
so for ever cried Susannah what is it Susannah laid her hand upon Trims
shoulder but corruption Susannah took it off
Now I love you for this and tis this delicious mixture within you which
makes you dear creatures what you are and he who hates you for it all I can
say of the matter is That he has either a pumkin for his head or a pippin
for his heart and whenever he is dissected twill be found so
Chap X
Whether Susannah by taking her hand too suddenly from off the corporals
shoulder by the whisking about of her passions broke a little the chain of
his reflections
Or whether the corporal began to be suspicious he had got into the doctors
quarters and was talking more like the chaplain than himself
Or whether Or whether for in all such cases a man of
invention and parts may with pleasure fill a couple of pages with suppositions
which of all these was the cause let the curious physiologist or the
curious any body determine tis certain at least the corporal went on thus
with his harangue
For my own part I declare it that out of doors I value not death at all
not this added the corporal snapping his fingers but with an air which
no one but the corporal could have given to the sentiment In battle I value
death not this and let him not take me cowardly like poor Joe Gibbins in
scouring his gun What is he A pull of a trigger a push of a bayonet an
inch this way or that makes the difference Look along the line to the
right see Jacks down well tis worth a regiment of horse to him No
tis Dick Then Jacks no worse Never mind which we pass on in hot
pursuit the wound itself which brings him is not felt the best way is to
stand up to him the man who flies is in ten times more danger than the man
who marches up into his jaws Ive lookd him added the corporal an hundred
times in the face and know what he is Hes nothing Obadiah at all in the
field But hes very frightful in a house quoth Obadiah I never mind it
myself said Jonathan upon a coachbox It must in my opinion be most
natural in bed replied Susannah And could I escape him by creeping into the
worst calfs skin that ever was made into a knapsack I would do it there said
Trim but that is nature
Nature is nature said Jonathan And that is the reason cried
Susannah I so much pity my mistress She will never get the better of it
Now I pity the captain the most of any one in the family answered Trim
Madam will get ease of heart in weeping and the Squire in talking about it
but my poor master will keep it all in silence to himself I shall hear him
sigh in his bed for a whole month together as he did for lieutenant Le Fever
An please your honour do not sigh so piteously I would say to him as I laid
besides him I cannot help it Trim my master would say tis so melancholy
an accident I cannot get it off my heart Your honour fears not death
yourself I hope Trim I fear nothing he would say but the doing a wrong
thing Well he would add whatever betides I will take care of Le Fevers
boy And with that like a quieting draught his honour would fall asleep
I like to hear Trims stories about the captain said Susannah He is a
kindlyhearted gentleman said Obadiah as ever lived Aye and as brave a
one too said the corporal as ever stept before a platoon There never was a
better officer in the kings army or a better man in Gods world for he
would march up to the mouth of a cannon though he saw the lighted match at the
very touchhole and yet for all that he has a heart as soft as a child for
other people He would not hurt a chicken I would sooner quoth Jonathan
drive such a gentleman for seven pounds a year than some for eight Thank
thee Jonathan for thy twenty shillings as much Jonathan said the
corporal shaking him by the hand as if thou hadst put the money into my own
pocket I would serve him to the day of my death out of love He is a friend
and a brother to me and could I be sure my poor brother Tom was dead
continued the corporal taking out his handkerchief was I worth ten thousand
pounds I would leave every shilling of it to the captain Trim could not
refrain from tears at this testamentary proof he gave of his affection to his
master The whole kitchen was affected Do tell us this story of the poor
lieutenant said Susannah With all my heart answered the corporal
Susannah the cook Jonathan Obadiah and corporal Trim formed a circle
about the fire and as soon as the scullion had shut the kitchen door the
corporal begun
Chap XI
I am a Turk if I had not as much forgot my mother as if Nature had plaistered
me up and set me down naked upon the banks of the river Nile without one
Your most obedient servant Madam Ive cost you a great deal of trouble I
wish it may answer but you have left a crack in my back and heres a great
piece fallen off here before and what must I do with this foot I shall
never reach England with it
For my own part I never wonder at any thing and so often has my judgment
deceived me in my life that I always suspect it right or wrong at least I
am seldom hot upon cold subjects For all this I reverence truth as much as any
body and when it has slipped us if a man will but take me by the hand and go
quietly and search for it as for a thing we have both lost and can neither of
us do well without Ill go to the worlds end with him But I hate
disputes and therefore bating religious points or such as touch society I
would almost subscribe to any thing which does not choak me in the first
passage rather than be drawn into one But I cannot bear suffocation and
bad smells worst of all For which reasons I resolved from the beginning
That if ever the army of martyrs was to be augmented or a new one raised I
would have no hand in it one way or tother
Chap XII
But to return to my mother
My uncle Tobys opinion Madam »that there could be no harm in Cornelius
Gallus the Roman prætors lying with his wife« or rather the last word of
that opinion for it was all my mother heard of it caught hold of her by the
weak part of the whole sex You shall not mistake me I mean her curiosity
she instantly concluded herself the subject of the conversation and with that
prepossession upon her fancy you will readily conceive every word my father
said was accommodated either to herself or her family concerns
Pray Madam in what street does the lady live who would not have done
the same
From the strange mode of Corneliuss death my father had made a transition
to that of Socrates and was giving my uncle Toby an abstract of his pleading
before his judges twas irresistable not the oration of Socrates but
my fathers temptation to it He had wrote the19Life of Socrates himself the
year before he left off trade which I fear was the means of hastening him out
of it so that no one was able to set out with so full a sail and in so
swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon the occasion as my father was Not a
period in Socratess oration which closed with a shorter word than
transmigration or annihilation or a worse thought in the middle of it than
to be or not to be the entering upon a new and untried state of things
or upon a long a profound and peaceful sleep without dreams without
disturbance That we and our children were born to die but neither of us
born to be slaves No there I mistake that was part of Eleazers oration
as recorded by Josephus de Bell Judaic Eleazer owns he had it from the
philosophers of India in all likelihood Alexander the Great in his irruption
into India after he had overrun Persia amongst the many things he stole
stole that sentiment also by which means it was carried if not all the way by
himself for we all know he died at Babylon at least by some of his maroders
into Greece from Greece it got to Rome from Rome to France and from
France to England So things come round
By land carriage I can conceive no other way
By water the sentiment might easily have come down the Ganges into the Sinus
Gangeticus or Bay of Bengal and so into the Indian Sea and following the
course of trade the way from India by the Cape of Good Hope being then
unknown might be carried with other drugs and spices up the Red Sea to Joddah
the port of Mekka or else to Tor or Sues towns at the bottom of the gulf and
from thence by karrawans to Coptos but three days journey distant so down the
Nile directly to Alexandria where the SENTIMENT would be landed at the very
foot of the great staircase of the Alexandrian library and from that
storehouse it would be fetched Bless me what a trade was driven by the
learned in those days
Chap XIII
Now my father had a way a little like that of Jobs in case there ever was
such a man if not theres an end of the matter
Though by the bye because your learned men find some difficulty in fixing
the precise æra in which so great a man lived whether for instance before
or after the patriarchs etc to vote therefore that he never lived at all
is a little cruel tis not doing as they would be done by happen that as it
may My father I say had a way when things went extremely wrong with him
especially upon the first sally of his impatience of wondering why he was
begot wishing himself dead sometimes worse And when the provocation
ran high and grief touched his lips with more than ordinary powers Sir you
scarce could have distinguished him from Socrates himself Every word would
breathe the sentiments of a soul disdaining life and careless about all its
issues for which reason though my mother was a woman of no deep reading yet
the abstract of Socratess oration which my father was giving my uncle Toby
was not altogether new to her She listened to it with composed intelligence
and would have done so to the end of the chapter had not my father plunged
which he had no occasion to have done into that part of the pleading where the
great philosopher reckons up his connections his alliances and children but
renounces a security to be so won by working upon the passions of his judges
»I have friends I have relations I have three desolate children« says
Socrates
Then cried my mother opening the door you have one more Mr
Shandy than I know of
By heaven I have one less said my father getting up and walking out of
the room
Chap XIV
They are Socratess children said my uncle Toby He has been dead a hundred
years ago replied my mother
My uncle Toby was no chronologer so not caring to advance a step but upon
safe ground he laid down his pipe deliberately upon the table and rising up
and taking my mother most kindly by the hand without saying another word
either good or bad to her he led her out after my father that he might finish
the ecclaircissment himself
Chap XV
Had this volume been a farce which unless every ones life and opinions are to
be looked upon as a farce as well as mine I see no reason to suppose the last
chapter Sir had finished the first act of it and then this chapter must have
set off thus
Ptrrring twing twang prut trut tis a cursed bad fiddle
Do you know whether my fiddles in tune or no trutprut They should be
fifths Tis wickedly strung tr aeioutwang The bridge is a mile
too high and the soundpost absolutely down else trutprut hark tis
not so bad a tone Diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle dum There is
nothing in playing before good judges but theres a man there no not him
with the bundle under his arm the grave man in black Sdeath not the
gentleman with the sword on Sir I had rather play a Caprichio to Calliope
herself than draw my bow across my fiddle before that very man and yet Ill
stake my Cremona to a Jews trump which is the greatest musical odds that ever
were laid that I will this moment stop three hundred and fifty leagues out of
tune upon my fiddle without punishing one single nerve that belongs to him
Twaddle diddle tweddle diddle twiddle diddle twoddle diddle twuddle
diddle pruttrut krish krash krush Ive undone you Sir but you
see he is no worse and was Apollo to take his fiddle after me he can make
him no better
Diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle hum dum drum
Your worships and your reverences love musick and God has made you all
with good ears and some of you play delightfully yourselves trutprut
pruttrut
O there is whom I could sit and hear whole days whose talents lie in
making what he fiddles to be felt who inspires me with his joys and hopes
and puts the most hidden springs of my heart into motion If you would borrow
five guineas of me Sir which is generally ten guineas more than I have to
spare or you Messrs Apothecary and Taylor want your bills paying thats
your time
Chap XVI
The first thing which entered my fathers head after affairs were a little
settled in the family and Susannah had got possession of my mothers green
sattin nightgown was to sit down coolly after the example of Xenophon and
write a TRISTRApædia or system of education for me collecting first for that
purpose his own scattered thoughts counsels and notions and binding them
together so as to form an INSTITUTE for the government of my childhood and
adolescence I was my fathers last stake he had lost my brother Bobby
entirely he had lost by his own computation full three fourths of me that
is he had been unfortunate in his three first great casts for me my geniture
nose and name there was but this one left and accordingly my father gave
himself up to it with as much devotion as ever my uncle Toby had done to his
doctrine of projectils The difference between them was that my uncle Toby
drew his whole knowledge of projectils from Nicholas Tartaglia My father spun
his every thread of it out of his own brain or reeled and crosstwisted what
all other spinners and spinsters had spun before him that twas pretty near the
same torture to him
In about three years or something more my father had got advanced almost
into the middle of his work Like all other writers he met with
disappointments He imagined he should be able to bring whatever he had to
say into so small a compass that when it was finished and bound it might be
rolled up in my mothers hussive Matter grows under our hands Let no man
say »Come Ill write a duodecimo«
My father gave himself up to it however with the most painful diligence
proceeding step by step in every line with the same kind of caution and
circumspection though I cannot say upon quite so religious a principle as was
used by John de la Casse the lord archbishop of Benevento in compassing his
Galatea in which his Grace of Benevento spent near forty years of his life and
when the thing came out it was not of above half the size or the thickness of a
Riders Almanack How the holy man managed the affair unless he spent the
greatest part of his time in combing his whiskers or playing at primero with
his chaplain would pose any mortal not let into the true secret and
therefore tis worth explaining to the world was it only for the encouragement
of those few in it who write not so much to be fed as to be famous
I own had John de la Casse the archbishop of Benevento for whose memory
notwithstanding his Galatea I retain the highest veneration had he been
Sir a slender clerk of dull wit slow parts costive head and so forth
he and his Galatea might have jogged on together to the age of Methusalah for
me the phænomenon had not been worth a parenthesis
But the reverse of this was the truth John de la Casse was a genius of fine
parts and fertile fancy and yet with all these great advantages of nature
which should have pricked him forwards with his Galatea he lay under an
impuissance at the same time of advancing above a line and an half in the
compass of a whole summers day this disability in his Grace arose from an
opinion he was afflicted with which opinion was this viz then whenever a
Christian was writing a book not for his private amusement but where his
intent and purpose was bonâ fide to print and publish it to the world his
first thoughts were always the temptations of the evil one This was the state
of ordinary writers but when a personage of venerable character and high
station either in church or state once turned author he maintained that
from the very moment he took pen in hand all the devils in hell broke out of
their holes to cajole him Twas Termtime with them every thought first
and last was captious how specious and good soever twas all one in
whatever form or colour it presented itself to the imagination twas still a
stroke of one or other of em levelled at him and was to be fenced off So
that the life of a writer whatever he might fancy to the contrary was not so
much a state of composition as a state of warfare and his probation in it
precisely that of any other man militant upon earth both depending alike not
half so much upon the degrees of his WIT as his RESISTANCE
My father was hugely pleased with this theory of John de la Casse
archbishop of Benevento and had it not cramped him a little in his creed I
believe would have given ten of the best acres in the Shandy estate to have
been the broacher of it How far my father actually believed in the devil
will be seen when I come to speak of my fathers religious notions in the
progress of this work tis enough to say here as he could not have the honour
of it in the literal sense of the doctrine he took up with the allegory of
it and would often say especially when his pen was a little retrograde
there was as much good meaning truth and knowledge couched under the veil of
John de la Casses parabolical representation as was to be found in any one
poetic fiction or mystick record of antiquity Prejudice of education he
would say is the devil and the multitudes of them which we suck in with our
mothers milk are the devil and all We are haunted with them brother
Toby in all our lucubrations and researches and was a man fool enough to
submit tamely to what they obtruded upon him what would his book be Nothing
he would add throwing his pen away with a vengeance nothing but a farrago
of the clack of nurses and of the nonsense of the old women of both sexes
throughout the kingdom
This is the best account I am determined to give of the slow progress my
father made in his Tristrapædia at which as I said he was three years and
something more indefatigably at work and at last had scarce compleated by
his own reckoning one half of his undertaking the misfortune was that I was
all that time totally neglected and abandoned to my mother and what was almost
as bad by the very delay the first part of the work upon which my father had
spent the most of his pains was rendered entirely useless every day a page
or two became of no consequence
Certainly it was ordained as a scourge upon the pride of human wisdom
That the wisest of us all should thus outwit ourselves and eternally forego
our purposes in the intemperate act of pursuing them
In short my father was so long in all his acts of resistance or in other
words, he advanced so very slow with his work and I began to live and get
forwards at such a rate that if an event had not happened which when we
get to it if it can be told with decency shall not be concealed a moment from
the reader I verily believe I had put by my father and left him drawing a
sundial for no better purpose than to be buried under ground
Chap XVII
Twas nothing I did not lose two drops of blood by it twas not worth
calling in a surgeon had he lived next door to us thousands suffer by
choice what I did by accident Doctor Slop made ten times more of it than
there was occasion some men rise by the art of hanging great weights upon
small wires and I am this day August the 10th 1761 paying part of the
price of this mans reputation O twould provoke a stone to see how things
are carried on in this world The chambermaid had left no under
the bed Cannot you contrive master quoth Susannah lifting up the sash
with one hand as she spoke and helping me up into the window seat with the
other cannot you manage my dear for a single time to
I was five years old Susannah did not consider that nothing was well
hung in our family so slap came the sash down like lightening upon us
Nothing is left cried Susannah nothing is left for me but to run my
country
My uncle Tobys house was a much kinder sanctuary and so Susannah fled to
it
Chap XVIII
When Susannah told the corporal the misadventure of the sash with all the
circumstances which attended the murder of me as she called it the blood
forsook his cheeks all accessaries in murder being principals Trims
conscience told him he was as much to blame as Susannah and if the doctrine
had been true my uncle Toby had as much of the bloodshed to answer for to
heaven as either of em so that neither reason or instinct separate or
together could possibly have guided Susannahs steps to so proper an asylum It
is in vain to leave this to the Readers imagination to form any kind of
hypothesis that will render these propositions feasible he must cudgel his
brains sore and to do it without he must have such brains as no reader
ever had before him Why should I put them either to tryal or to torture
Tis my own affair Ill explain it myself
Chap XIX
Tis a pity Trim said my uncle Toby resting with his hand upon the corporals
shoulder as they both stood surveying their works that we have not a couple
of field pieces to mount in the gorge of that new redoubt twould secure the
lines all along there and make the attack on the side quite complete get me
a couple cast Trim
Your honour shall have them replied Trim before tomorrow morning
It was the joy of Trims heart nor was his fertile head ever at a loss
for expedients in doing it to supply my uncle Toby in his campaigns with
whatever his fancy called for had it been his last crown he would have sate
down and hammered it into a paderero to have prevented a single wish in his
Master The corporal had already what with cutting off the ends of my uncle
Tobys spouts hacking and chiseling up the sides of his leaden gutters
melting down his pewter shaving bason and going at last like Lewis the
fourteenth on to the top of the church for spare ends etc he had that
very campaign brought no less than eight new battering cannons besides three
demiculverins into the field my uncle Tobys demand for two more pieces for
the redoubt had set the corporal at work again and no better resource
offering he had taken the two leaden weights from the nursery window and as
the sash pullies when the lead was gone were of no kind of use he had taken
them away also to make a couple of wheels for one of their carriages
He had dismantled every sash window in my uncle Tobys house long before in
the very same way though not always in the same order for sometimes the
pullies had been wanted and not the lead so then he began with the pullies
and the pullies being picked out then the lead became useless and so the
lead went to pot too
A great MORAL might be picked handsomly out of this but I have not time
tis enough to say wherever the demolition began twas equally fatal to the
sash window
Chap XX
The corporal had not taken his measures so badly in this stroke of
artilleryship but that he might have kept the matter entirely to himself and
left Susannah to have sustained the whole weight of the attack as she could
true courage is not content with coming off so The corporal whether as
general or comptroller of the train twas no matter had done that
without which as he imagined the misfortune could never have happened at
least in Susannahs hands How would your honours have behaved He
determined at once not to take shelter behind Susannah but to give it and
with this resolution upon his mind he marched upright into the parlour to lay
the whole manoeuvre before my uncle Toby
My uncle Toby had just then been giving Yorick an account of the Battle of
Steenkirk and of the strange conduct of count Solmes in ordering the foot to
halt and the horse to march where it could not act which was directly contrary
to the kings commands and proved the loss of the day
There are incidents in some families so pat to the purpose of what is going
to follow they are scarce exceeded by the invention of a dramatic writer I
mean of ancient days
Trim by the help of his forefinger laid flat upon the table and the edge
of his hand striking across it at right angles made a shift to tell his story
so that priests and virgins might have listened to it and the story being
told the dialogue went on as follows
Chap XXI
I would be picquetted to death cried the corporal as he concluded Susannahs
story before I would suffer the woman to come to any harm twas my fault
an please your honour not hers
Corporal Trim replied my uncle Toby putting on his hat which lay upon the
table if any thing can be said to be a fault when the service absolutely
requires it should be done tis I certainly who deserve the blame you
obeyed your orders
Had count Solmes Trim done the same at the battle of Steenkirk said
Yorick drolling a little upon the corporal who had been run over by a dragoon
in the retreat he had saved thee Saved cried Trim interrupting Yorick
and finishing the sentence for him after his own fashion he had saved five
battalions an please your reverence every soul of them there was Cutts
continued the corporal clapping the forefinger of his right hand upon the thumb
of his left and counting round his hand there was Cutts Mackays
Anguss Grahams and Levens all cut to pieces and so had the
English lifeguards too had it not been for some regiments upon the right who
marched up boldly to their relief and received the enemys fire in their faces
before any one of their own platoons discharged a musket theyll go to
heaven for it added Trim Trim is right said my uncle Toby nodding to
Yorick hes perfectly right What signified his marching the horse
continued the corporal where the ground was so strait and the French had such
a nation of hedges and copses and ditches and felld trees laid this way and
that to cover them as they always have Count Solmes should have sent us
we would have fired muzzle to muzzle with them for their lives There was
nothing to be done for the horse he had his foot shot off however for his
pains continued the corporal the very next campaign at Landen Poor Trim got
his wound there quoth my uncle Toby Twas owing an please your honour
entirely to count Solmes had we drubd them soundly at Steenkirk they would
not have fought us at Landen Possibly not Trim said my uncle Toby
though if they have the advantage of a wood or you give them a moments time to
intrench themselves they are a nation which will pop and pop for ever at you
There is no way but to march cooly up to them receive their fire and
fall in upon them pellmell Ding dong added Trim Horse and foot said
my uncle Toby Helter skelter said Trim Right and left cried my uncle
Toby Blood an ounds shouted the corporal the battle raged Yorick
drew his chair a little to one side for safety and after a moments pause my
uncle Toby sinking his voice a note resumed the discourse as follows
Chap XXII
King William said my uncle Toby addressing himself to Yorick was so terribly
provoked at count Solmes for disobeying his orders that he would not suffer him
to come into his presence for many months after I fear answered Yorick the
squire will be as much provoked at the corporal as the King at the count
But twould be singularly hard in this case continued he if corporal Trim who
has behaved so diametrically opposite to count Solmes should have the fate to
be rewarded with the same disgrace too oft in this world do things take
that train I would spring a mine cried my uncle Toby rising up and
blow up my fortifications and my house with them and we would perish under
their ruins ere I would stand by and see it Trim directed a slight but
a grateful bow towards his master and so the chapter ends
Chap XXIII
Then Yorick replied my uncle Toby you and I will lead the way abreast
and do you corporal follow a few paces behind us And Susannah an please
your honour said Trim shall be put in the rear Twas an excellent
disposition and in this order without either drums beating or colours
flying they marched slowly from my uncle Tobys house to Shandyhall
I wish said Trim as they entered the door instead of the
sashweights I had cut off the churchspout as I once thought to have done
You have cut off spouts enow replied Yorick
Chap XXIV
As many pictures as have been given of my father how like him soever in
different airs and attitudes not one or all of them can ever help the
reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think speak or act
upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life There was that infinitude of
oddities in him and of chances along with it by which handle he would take a
thing it baffled Sir all calculations The truth was his road lay so
very far on one side from that wherein most men travelled that every object
before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye altogether
different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind In
other words twas a different object and in course was differently
considered
This is the true reason that my dear Jenny and I as well as all the world
besides us have such eternal squabbles about nothing She looks at her
outside I at her in How is it possible we should agree about her value
Chap XXV
Tis a point settled and I mention it for the comfort of Confucius20 who is
apt to get entangled in telling a plain story that provided he keeps along the
line of his story he may go backwards and forwards as he will tis still
held to be no digression
This being premised I take the benefit of the act of going backwards
myself
Chap XXVI
Fifty thousand pannier loads of devils not of the Archbishop of Beneventos
I mean of Rabelaiss devils with their tails chopped off by their rumps
could not have made so diabolical a scream of it as I did when the accident
befell me it summoned up my mother instantly into the nursery so that
Susannah had but just time to make her escape down the back stairs as my mother
came up the fore
Now though I was old enough to have told the story myself and young
enough I hope to have done it without malignity yet Susannah in passing by
the kitchen for fear of accidents had left it in shorthand with the cook
the cook had told it with a commentary to Jonathan and Jonathan to Obadiah so
that by the time my father had rung the bell half a dozen times to know what
was the matter above was Obadiah enabled to give him a particular account of
it just as it had happened I thought as much said my father tucking up his
nightgown and so walked up stairs
One would imagine from this though for my own part I somewhat question
it that my father before that time had actually wrote that remarkable
chapter in the Tristrapædia which to me is the most original and entertaining
one in the whole book and that is the chapter upon sashwindows with a
bitter Philippick at the end of it upon the forgetfulness of chambermaids I
have but two reasons for thinking otherwise
First Had the matter been taken into consideration before the event
happened my father certainly would have nailed up the sashwindow for good an
all which considering with what difficulty he composed books he might
have done with ten times less trouble than he could have wrote the chapter
this argument I foresee holds good against his writing the chapter even after
the event but tis obviated under the second reason which I have the honour to
offer to the world in support of my opinion that my father did not write the
chapter upon sashwindows and chamberpots at the time supposed and it is
this
That in order to render the Tristrapædia complete I wrote the chapter
myself
Chap XXVII
My father put on his spectacles looked took them off put them into the
case all in less than a statutable minute and without opening his lips
turned about and walked precipitately down stairs my mother imagined he had
stepped down for lint and basilicon but seeing him return with a couple of
folios under his arm and Obadiah following him with a large reading desk she
took it for granted twas an herbal and so drew him a chair to the bedside
that he might consult upon the case at his ease
If it be but right done said my father turning to the Section de
sede vel subjecto circumcisionis for he had brought up Spencer de Legibus
Hebræorum Ritualibus and Maimonides in order to confront and examine us
altogether
If it be but right done quoth he Only tell us cried my mother
interrupting him what herbs For that replied my father you must send for
Dr Slop
My mother went down and my father went on reading the section as follows
Very well said my
father
nay if it has that
convenience and so without stopping a moment to settle it first in his mind
whether the Jews had it from the Egyptians or the Egyptians from the Jews he
rose up and rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the palm of his
hand in the manner we rub out the footsteps of care when evil has trod lighter
upon us than we foreboded he shut the book and walked down stairs Nay
said he mentioning the name of a different great nation upon every step as he
set his foot upon it if the EGYPTIANS the SYRIANS the PHOENICIANS the
ARABIANS the CAPADOCIANS if the COLCHI and TROGLODYTES did it if
SOLON and PYTHAGORAS submitted what is TRISTRAM Who am I that I should
fret or fume one moment about the matter
Chap XXVIII
Dear Yorick said my father smiling for Yorick had broke his rank with my
uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry and so had stept first into the
parlour this Tristram of ours I find comes very hardly by all his religious
rites Never was the son of Jew Christian Turk or Infidel initiated into
them in so oblique and slovenly a manner But he is no worse I trust said
Yorick There has been certainly continued my father the duce and all to do
in some part or other of the ecliptic when this offspring of mine was formed
That you are a better judge of than I replied Yorick Astrologers quoth my
father know better than us both the trine and sextil aspects have jumped
awry or the opposite of the ascendents have not hit it as they should or
the lords of the genitures as they call them have been at bopeep or
something has been wrong above or below with us
Tis possible answered Yorick But is the child cried my uncle Toby
the worse The Troglodytes say not replied my father And your theologists
Yorick tell us Theologically said Yorick or speaking after the manner of
21 apothecaries 22 statesmen or23 washerwomen
Im not sure replied my father but they tell us brother Toby hes
the better for it Provided said Yorick you travel him into Egypt Of
that answered my father he will have the advantage when he sees the Pyramids
Now every word of this quoth my uncle Toby is Arabick to me I wish
said Yorick twas so to half the world
ILUS24 continued my father circumcised his whole army one morning Not
without a court martial cried my uncle Toby Though the learned continued
he taking no notice of my uncle Tobys remark but turning to Yorick are
greatly divided still who Ilus was some say Saturn some the supream Being
others no more than a brigadier general under Pharoahneco Let him be who
he will said my uncle Toby I know not by what article of war he could justify
it
The controvertists answered my father assign two and twenty different
reasons for it others indeed who have drawn their pens on the opposite side
of the question have shewn the world the futility of the greatest part of them
But then again our best polemic divines I wish there was not a polemic
divine said Yorick in the kingdom one ounce of practical divinity is
worth a painted ship load of all their reverences have imported these fifty
years Pray Mr Yorick quoth my uncle Toby do tell me what a polemic
divine is The best description captain Shandy I have ever read is of a
couple of em replied Yorick in the account of the battle fought single hands
betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet which I have in my pocket I beg I may
hear it quoth my uncle Toby earnestly You shall said Yorick And as the
corporal is waiting for me at the door and I know the description of a
battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper I beg brother
youll give him leave to come in With all my soul said my father Trim
came in erect and happy as an emperour and having shut the door Yorick took a
book from his righthand coat pocket and read or pretended to read as
follows
Chap XXIX
»which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there divers of them
being inwardly terrified did shrink back and make room for the assailant all
this did Gymnast very well remark and consider and therefore making as if he
would have alighted from off his horse as he was poising himself on the
mounting side he most nimbly with his short sword by his thigh shifting his
feet in the stirrup and performing the stirrupleather feat whereby after the
inclining of his body downwards he forthwith launched himself aloft into the
air and placed both his feet together upon the saddle standing upright with
his back turned towards his horses head Now said he my case goes forward
Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was he fetched a gambol upon one
foot and turning to the lefthand failed not to carry his body perfectly
round just into his former position without missing one jot Ha said
Tripet I will not do that at this time and not without cause Well said
Gymnast I have failed I will undo this leap then with a marvellous strength
and agility turning towards the righthand he fetched another frisking gambol
as before which done he set his righthand thumb upon the bow of the saddle
raised himself up and sprung into the air poising and upholding his whole
weight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb and so turned and whirled
himself about three times at the fourth reversing his body and overturning it
upsidedown and foreside back without touching any thing he brought himself
betwixt the horses two ears and then giving himself a jerking swing he seated
himself upon the crupper «
This cant be fighting said my uncle Toby The corporal shook his head
at it Have patience said Yorick
»Then Tripet passd his right leg over his saddle and placed himself en
croup But said he twere better for me to get into the saddle then putting
the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him and thereupon leaning
himself as upon the only supporters of his body he incontinently turned heels
over head in the air and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle
in a tolerable seat then springing into the air with a summerset he turned him
about like a windmill and made above a hundred frisks turns and
demipommadas« Good God cried Trim losing all patience one home thrust
of a bayonet is worth it all I think so too replied Yorick
I am of a contrary opinion quoth my father
Chap XXX
No I think I have advanced nothing replied my father making answer to a
question which Yorick had taken the liberty to put to him I have advanced
nothing in the Tristrapædia but what is as clear as any one proposition in
Euclid Reach me Trim that book from off the scrutoir it has oft times
been in my mind continued my father to have read it over both to you Yorick
and to my brother Toby and I think it a little unfriendly in myself in not
having done it long ago shall we have a short chapter or two now and a
chapter or two hereafter as occasions serve and so on till we get through the
whole My uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeisance which was proper and the
corporal though he was not included in the compliment laid his hand upon his
breast and made his bow at the same time The company smiled Trim quoth my
father has paid the full price for staying out the entertainment He did not
seem to relish the play replied Yorick Twas a Tomfoolbattle an please
your reverence of captain Tripets and that other officer making so many
summersets as they advanced the French come on capering now and then in
that way but not quite so much
My uncle Toby never felt the consciousness of his existence with more
complacency than what the corporals and his own reflections made him do at
that moment he lighted his pipe Yorick drew his chair closer to the
table Trim snuffd the candle my father stird up the fire took up the
book coughd twice and begun
Chap XXXI
The first thirty pages said my father turning over the leaves are a little
dry and as they are not closely connected with the subject for the present
well pass them by tis a prefatory introduction continued my father or an
introductory preface for I am not determined which name to give it upon
political or civil government the foundation of which being laid in the first
conjunction betwixt male and female for procreation of the species I was
insensibly led into it Twas natural said Yorick
The original of society continued my father Im satisfied is what
Politian tells us ie merely conjugal and nothing more than the getting
together of one man and one woman to which according to Hesiod the
philosopher adds a servant but supposing in the first beginning there were
no men servants born he lays the foundation of it in a man a woman and
a bull I believe tis an ox quoth Yorick quoting the passage oikon men
protidta gynaika te Boyn tA arothra A bull must have given more trouble
than his head was worth But there is a better reason still said my father
dipping his pen into his ink for the ox being the most patient of animals
and the most useful withal in tilling the ground for their nourishment was
the properest instrument and emblem too for the new joined couple that the
creation could have associated with them And there is a stronger reason
added my uncle Toby than them all for the ox My father had not power to take
his pen out of his inkhorn till he had heard my uncle Tobys reason For
when the ground was tilled said my uncle Toby and made worth inclosing then
they began to secure it by walls and ditches which was the origin of
fortification True true dear Toby cried my father striking out the bull
and putting the ox in his place
My father gave Trim a nod to snuff the candle and resumed his discourse
I enter upon this speculation said my father carelessly and half
shutting the book as he went on merely to shew the foundation of the natural
relation between a father and his child the right and jurisdiction over whom he
acquires these several ways
1st by marriage
2d by adoption
3d by legitimation
And 4th by procreation all which I consider in their order
I lay a slight stress upon one of them replied Yorick the act
especially where it ends there in my opinion lays as little obligation upon the
child as it conveys power to the father You are wrong said my father
argutely and for this plain reason
I own added my father that
the offspring upon this account is not so under the power and jurisdiction of
the mother But the reason replied Yorick equally holds good for her She
is under authority herself said my father and besides continued my father
nodding his head and laying his finger upon the side of his nose as he assigned
his reason she is not the principal agent Yorick In what quoth my uncle
Toby stopping his pipe Though by all means added my father not attending
to my uncle Toby »The son ought to pay her respect« as you may read Yorick
at large in the first book of the Institutes of Justinian at the eleventh title
and the tenth section I can read it as well replied Yorick in the
Catechism
Chap XXXII
Trim can repeat every word of it by heart quoth my uncle Toby Pugh said my
father not caring to be interrupted with Trims saying his Catechism He can
upon my honour replied my uncle Toby Ask him Mr Yorick any question you
please
The fifth Commandment Trim said Yorick speaking mildly and with a
gentle nod as to a modest Catechumen The corporal stood silent You dont
ask him right said my uncle Toby raising his voice and giving it rapidly like
the word of command The fifth cried my uncle Toby I must begin with
the first an please your honour said the corporal
Yorick could not forbear smiling Your reverence does not consider said
the corporal shouldering his stick like a musket and marching into the middle
of the room to illustrate his position that tis exactly the same thing as
doing ones exercise in the field
»Join your right hand to your firelock« cried the corporal giving the word
of command and performing the motion
»Poise your firelock« cried the corporal doing the duty still of both
adjutant and private man
»Rest your firelock« one motion an please your reverence you see leads
into another If his honour will begin but with the first
THE FIRST cried my uncle Toby setting his hand upon his side
THE SECOND cried my uncle Toby waving his tobaccopipe as he would have
done his sword at the head of a regiment The corporal went through his manual
with exactness and having honoured his father and mother made a low bow and
fell back to the side of the room
Every thing in this world said my father is big with jest and has wit
in it and instruction too if we can but find it out
Here is the scaffold work of INSTRUCTION its true point of folly without
the BUILDING behind it
Here is the glass for pedagogues preceptors tutors governours
gerundgrinders and bearleaders to view themselves in in their true
dimensions
Oh there is a husk and shell Yorick which grows up with learning which
their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away
SCIENCES MAY BE LEARNED BY ROTE BUT WISDOM NOT
Yorick thought my father inspired I will enter into obligations this
moment said my father to lay out all my aunt Dinahs legacy in charitable
uses of which by the bye my father had no high opinion if the corporal has
any one determinate idea annexed to any one word he has repeated Prythee
Trim quoth my father turning round to him What dost thou mean by
»honouring thy father and mother«
Allowing them an please your honour three halfpence a day out of my pay
when they grew old And didst thou do that Trim said Yorick He did
indeed replied my uncle Toby Then Trim said Yorick springing out of his
chair and taking the corporal by the hand thou art the best commentator upon
that part of the Decalogue and I honour thee more for it corporal Trim than
if thou hadst had a hand in the Talmud itself
Chap XXXIII
O blessed health cried my father making an exclamation as he turned over the
leaves to the next chapter thou art above all gold and treasure tis thou
who enlargest the soul and openest all its powers to receive instruction and
to relish virtue He that has thee has little more to wish for and he that
is so wretched as to want thee wants every thing with thee
I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important head said my
father into a very little room therefore well read the chapter quite thro
My father read as follows
»The whole secret of health depending upon the due contention for mastery
betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture« You have proved that matter
of fact I suppose above said Yorick Sufficiently replied my father
In saying this my father shut the book not as if he resolved to read no
more of it for he kept his forefinger in the chapter nor pettishly for
he shut the book slowly his thumb resting when he had done it upon the
upperside of the cover as his three fingers supported the lowerside of it
without the least compressive violence
I have demonstrated the truth of that point quoth my father nodding to
Yorick most sufficiently in the preceding chapter
Now could the man in the moon be told that a man in the earth had wrote a
chapter sufficiently demonstrating That the secret of all health depended upon
the due contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical
moisture and that he had managed the point so well that there was not one
single word wet or dry upon radical heat or radical moisture throughout the
whole chapter or a single syllable in it pro or con directly or indirectly
upon the contention betwixt these two powers in any part of the animal oeconomy
»O thou eternal maker of all beings« he would cry striking his breast
with his right hand in case he had one »Thou whose power and goodness can
enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to this infinite degree of excellence and
perfection What have we MOONITES done«
Chap XXXIV
With two strokes the one at Hippocrates the other at Lord Verulam did my
father atchieve it
The stroke at the prince of physicians with which he began was no more
than a short insult upon his sorrowful complaint of the Ars longa and Vita
brevis Life short cried my father and the art of healing tedious And
who are we to thank for both the one and the other but the ignorance of quacks
themselves and the stageloads of chymical nostrums and peripatetic lumber
with which in all ages they have first flatterd the world and at last
deceived it
O my lord Verulam cried my father turning from Hippocrates and making
his second stroke at him as the principal of nostrummongers and the fittest
to be made an example of to the rest What shall I say to thee my great lord
Verulam What shall I say to thy internal spirit thy opium thy saltpetre
thy greasy unctions thy daily purges thy nightly glisters and
succedaneums
My father was never at a loss what to say to any man upon any subject
and had the least occasion for the exordium of any man breathing how he dealt
with his lordships opinion you shall see but when I know not we
must first see what his lordships opinion was
Chap XXXV
»The two great causes which conspire with each other to shorten life says lord
Verulam are first
The internal spirit which like a gentle flame wastes the body down to
death And secondly the external air that parches the body up to ashes
which two enemies attacking us on both sides of our bodies together at length
destroy our organs and render them unfit to carry on the functions of life«
This being the state of the case the road to Longevity was plain nothing
more being required says his lordship but to repair the waste committed by the
internal spirit by making the substance of it more thick and dense by a
regular course of opiates on one side and by refrigerating the heat of it on
the other by three grains and a half of saltpetre every morning before you got
up
Still this frame of ours was left exposed to the inimical assaults of the
air without but this was fenced off again by a course of greasy unctions
which so fully saturated the pores of the skin that no spicula could enter
nor could any one get out This put a stop to all perspiration sensible and
insensible which being the cause of so many scurvy distempers a course of
glisters was requisite to carry off redundant humours and render the system
compleat
What my father had to say to my lord of Verulams opiates his saltpetre
and greasy unctions and glisters you shall read but not to day or to
morrow time presses upon me my reader is impatient I must get forwards
You shall read the chapter at your leisure if you chuse it as soon as ever
the Tristrapædia is published
Sufficeth it at present to say my father levelled the hypothesis with the
ground and in doing that the learned know he built up and established his
own
Chap XXXVI
The whole secret of health said my father beginning the sentence again
depending evidently upon the due contention betwixt the radical heat and radical
moisture within us the least imaginable skill had been sufficient to have
maintained it had not the schoolmen confounded the task merely as Van
Helmont the famous chymist has proved by all along mistaking the radical
moisture for the tallow and fat of animal bodies
Now the radical moisture is not the tallow or fat of animals but an oily
and balsamous substance for the fat and tallow as also the phlegm or watery
parts are cold whereas the oily and balsamous parts are of a lively heat and
spirit which accounts for the observation of Aristotle »Quod omne animal post
coitum est triste«
Now it is certain that the radical heat lives in the radical moisture but
whether vice versâ is a doubt however when the one decays the other decays
also and then is produced either an unnatural heat which causes an unnatural
dryness or an unnatural moisture which causes dropsies So that if a
child as he grows up can but be taught to avoid running into fire or water as
either of em threaten his destruction twill be all that is needful to
be done upon that head
Chap XXXVII
The description of the siege of Jerico itself could not have engaged the
attention of my uncle Toby more powerfully than the last chapter his eyes
were fixed upon my father throughout it he never mentioned radical heat and
radical moisture but my uncle Toby took his pipe out of his mouth and shook
his head and as soon as the chapter was finished he beckoned to the corporal
to come close to his chair to ask him the following question aside
It was at the siege of Limerick an please
your honour replied the corporal making a bow
The poor fellow and I quoth my uncle Toby addressing himself to my father
were scarce able to crawl out of our tents at the time the siege of Limerick
was raised upon the very account you mention Now what can have got into
that precious noddle of thine my dear brother Toby cried my father mentally
By Heaven continued he communing still with himself it would puzzle an
OEdipus to bring it in point
I believe an please your honour quoth the corporal that if it had not
been for the quantity of brandy we set fire to every night and the claret and
cinnamon with which I plyed your honour off And the geneva Trim added my
uncle Toby which did us more good than all I verily believe continued the
corporal we had both an please your honour left our lives in the trenches
and been buried in them too The noblest grave corporal cried my uncle
Toby his eyes sparkling as he spoke that a soldier could wish to lie down in
But a pitiful death for him an please your honour replied the corporal
All this was as much Arabick to my father as the rites of the Colchi and
Troglodites had been before to my uncle Toby my father could not determine
whether he was to frown or smile
My uncle Toby turning to Yorick resumed the case at Limerick more
intelligibly than he had begun it and so settled the point for my father at
once
Chap XXXVIII
It was undoubtedly said my uncle Toby a great happiness for myself and the
corporal that we had all along a burning fever attended with a most raging
thirst during the whole five and twenty days the flux was upon us in the camp
otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisture must as I conceive it
inevitably have got the better My father drew in his lungs topfull of air
and looking up blew it forth again as slowly as he possibly could
It was heavens mercy to us continued my uncle Toby which put it into
the corporals head to maintain that due contention betwixt the radical heat and
the radical moisture by reinforcing the fever as he did all along with hot
wine and spices whereby the corporal kept up as it were a continual firing
so that the radical heat stood its ground from the beginning to the end and was
a fair match for the moisture terrible as it was Upon my honour added my
uncle Toby you might have heard the contention within our bodies brother
Shandy twenty toises If there was no firing said Yorick
Well said my father with a full aspiration and pausing a while after the
word Was I a judge and the laws of the country which made me one permitted
it I would condemn some of the worst malefactors provided they had had their
clergy Yorick foreseeing the sentence was likely to end with no sort of
mercy laid his hand upon my fathers breast and begged he would respite it for
a few minutes till he asked the corporal a question Prithee Trim said
Yorick without staying for my fathers leave tell us honestly what is thy
opinion concerning this selfsame radical heat and radical moisture
With humble submission to his honours better judgment quoth the corporal
making a bow to my uncle Toby Speak thy opinion freely corporal said my
uncle Toby The poor fellow is my servant not my slave added my uncle
Toby turning to my father
The corporal put his hat under his left arm and with his stick hanging upon
the wrist of it by a black thong split into a tassel about the knot he marched
up to the ground where he had performed his catechism then touching his under
jaw with the thumb and fingers of his right hand before he opened his mouth
he delivered his notion thus
Chap XXXIX
Just as the corporal was humming to begin in waddled Dr Slop Tis not
twopence matter the corporal shall go on in the next chapter let who will
come in
Well my good doctor cried my father sportively for the transitions of his
passions were unaccountably sudden and what has this whelp of mine to say to
the matter
Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a puppydog
he could not have done it in a more careless air the system which Dr Slop had
laid down to treat the accident by no way allowed of such a mode of enquiry
He sat down
Pray Sir quoth my uncle Toby in a manner which could not go unanswered
in what condition is the boy Twill end in a phimosis replied Dr Slop
I am no wiser than I was quoth my uncle Toby returning his pipe into his
mouth Then let the corporal go on said my father with his medical lecture
The corporal made a bow to his old friend Dr Slop and then delivered his
opinion concerning radical heat and radical moisture in the following words
Chap XL
The city of Limerick the siege of which was begun under his majesty king
William himself the year after I went into the army lies an please your
honours in the middle of a devilish wet swampy country Tis quite
surrounded said my uncle Toby with the Shannon and is by its situation one
of the strongest fortified places in Ireland
I think this is a new fashion quoth Dr Slop of beginning a medical
lecture Tis all true answered Trim Then I wish the faculty would follow
the cut of it said Yorick Tis all cut through an please your reverence
said the corporal with drains and bogs and besides there was such a quantity
of rain fell during the siege the whole country was like a puddle twas
that and nothing else which brought on the flux and which had like to have
killed both his honour and myself now there was no such thing after the first
ten days continued the corporal for a soldier to lie dry in his tent without
cutting a ditch round it to draw off the water nor was that enough for
those who could afford it as his honour could without setting fire every night
to a pewter dish full of brandy which took off the damp of the air and made
the inside of the tent as warm as a stove
And what conclusion dost thou draw Corporal Trim cried my father from all
these premises
I infer an please your worship replied Trim that the radical moisture is
nothing in the world but ditchwater and that the radical heat of those who
can go to the expence of it is burnt brandy the radical heat and moisture of
a private man an please your honours is nothing but ditchwater and a dram
of geneva and give us but enough of it with a pipe of tobacco to give us
spirits and drive away the vapours we know not what it is to fear death
I am at a loss Captain Shandy quoth Doctor Slop to determine in which
branch of learning your servant shines most whether in physiology or divinity
Slop had not forgot Trims comment upon the sermon
It is but an hour ago replied Yorick since the corporal was examined in
the latter and passd muster with great honour
The radical heat and moisture quoth Doctor Slop turning to my father you
must know is the basis and foundation of our being as the root of a tree is
the source and principle of its vegetation It is inherent in the seeds of all
animals and may be preserved sundry ways but principally in my opinion by
consubstantials impriments and occludents Now this poor fellow continued
Dr Slop pointing to the corporal has had the misfortune to have heard some
superficial emperic discourse upon this nice point That he has said my
father Very likely said my uncle Im sure of it quoth Yorick
Chap XLI
Doctor Slop being called out to look at a cataplasm he had ordered it gave my
father an opportunity of going on with another chapter in the Tristrapædia
Come chear up my lads Ill shew you land for when we have tugged through
that chapter the book shall not be opened again this twelvemonth Huzza
Chap XLII
Five years with a bib under his chin
Four years in travelling from Christcrossrow to Malachi
A year and a half in learning to write his own name
Seven long years and more teptoing it at Greek and Latin
Four years at his probations and his negations the fine statue still lying
in the middle of the marble block and nothing done but his tools sharpened
to hew it out Tis a piteous delay Was not the great Julius Scaliger
within an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all Fortyfour years
old was he before he could manage his Greek and Peter Damianus lord bishop
of Ostia as all the world knows could not so much as read when he was of
mans estate And Baldus himself as eminent as he turned out after entered
upon the law so late in life that every body imagined he intended to be an
advocate in the other world no wonder when Eudamidas the son of Archidamas
heard Xenocrates at seventyfive disputing about wisdom that he asked gravely
If the old man be yet disputing and enquiring concerning wisdom what time
will he have to make use of it
Yorick listened to my father with great attention there was a seasoning of
wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims and he had sometimes
such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses as almost attoned for them
be wary Sir when you imitate him
I am convinced Yorick continued my father half reading and half
discoursing that there is a North west passage to the intellectual world and
that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work in furnishing itself
with knowledge and instruction than we generally take with it But alack
all fields have not a river or a spring running besides them every child
Yorick has not a parent to point it out
The whole entirely depends added my father in a low voice upon the
auxiliary verbs Mr Yorick
Had Yorick trod upon Virgils snake he could not have looked more
surprised I am surprised too cried my father observing it and I reckon
it as one of the greatest calamities which ever befell the republick of letters
That those who have been entrusted with the education of our children and whose
business it was to open their minds and stock them early with ideas in order
to set the imagination loose upon them have made so little use of the auxiliary
verbs in doing it as they have done So that except Raymond Lullius and the
elder Pelegrini the last of which arrived to such perfection in the use of em
with his topics that in a few lessons he could teach a young gentleman to
discourse with plausibility upon any subject pro and con and to say and write
all that could be spoken or written concerning it without blotting a word to
the admiration of all who beheld him I should be glad said Yorick
interrupting my father to be made to comprehend this matter You shall said my
father
The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of is a high
metaphor for which in my opinion the idea is generally the worse and not
the better but be that as it may when the mind has done that with it
there is an end the mind and the idea are at rest until a second idea
enters and so on
Now the use of the Auxiliaries is at once to set the soul a going by
herself upon the materials as they are brought her and by the versability of
this great engine round which they are twisted to open new tracks of enquiry
and make every idea engender millions
You excite my curiosity greatly said Yorick
For my own part quoth my uncle Toby I have given it up The Danes an
please your honour quoth the corporal who were on the left at the siege of
Limerick were all auxiliaries And very good ones said my uncle Toby But
the auxiliaries Trim my brother is talking about I conceive to be different
things
You do said my father rising up
Chap XLIII
My father took a single turn across the room then sat down and finished the
chapter
The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here continued my father are am
was have had do did make made suffer shall should will would can
could owe ought used or is wont And these varied with tenses present
past future and conjugated with the verb see or with these questions added
to them Is it Was it Will it be Would it be May it be Might it be And
these again put negatively Is it not Was it not Ought it not Or
affirmatively It is It was It ought to be Or chronologically Has it
been always Lately How long ago Or hypothetically If it was If it was
not What would follow If the French should beat the English If the Sun go
out of the Zodiac
Now by the right use and application of these continued my father in
which a childs memory should be exercised there is no one idea can enter his
brain how barren soever but a magazine of conceptions and conclusions may be
drawn forth from it Didst thou ever see a white bear cried my father
turning his head round to Trim who stood at the back of his chair No an
please your honour replied the corporal But thou couldst discourse about
one Trim said my father in case of need How is it possible brother
quoth my uncle Toby if the corporal never saw one Tis the fact I want
replied my father and the possibility of it is as follows
A WHITE BEAR Very well Have I ever seen one Might I ever have seen one
Am I ever to see one Ought I ever to have seen one Or can I ever see one
Would I had seen a white bear for how can I imagine it
If I should see a white bear what should I say If I should never see a
white bear what then
If I never have can must or shall see a white bear alive have I ever seen
the skin of one Did I ever see one painted described Have I never dreamed
of one
Did my father mother uncle aunt brothers or sisters ever see a white
bear What would they give How would they behave How would the white bear have
behaved Is he wild Tame Terrible Rough Smooth
Is the white bear worth seeing
Is there no sin in it
Is it better than a BLACK ONE
End of the Fifth Volume
Volume VI
Chap I
Well not stop two moments my dear Sir only as we have got thro these
five volumes do Sir sit down upon a set they are better than nothing let
us just look back upon the country we have passd through
What a wilderness has it been and what a mercy that we have not both of
us been lost or devoured by wild beasts in it
Did you think the world itself Sir had contained such a number of Jack
Asses How they viewd and reviewd us as we passed over the rivulet at the
bottom of that little valley and when we climbed over that hill and were
just getting out of sight good God what a braying did they all set up
together
Prithee shepherd who keeps all those Jack Asses
Heaven be their comforter What are they never curried Are they
never taken in in winter Bray bray bray Bray on the world is deeply
your debtor louder still thats nothing in good sooth you are
illused Was I as Jack Asse I solemnly declare I would bray in Gsolreut
from morning even unto night
Chap II
When my father had danced his white bear backwards and forwards through half a
dozen pages he closed the book for good an all and in a kind of triumph
redelivered it into Trims hand with a nod to lay it upon the scrutoire where
he found it Tristram said he shall be made to conjugate every word in the
dictionary backwards and forwards the same way every word Yorick by this
means you see is converted into a thesis or an hypothesis every thesis and
hypothesis have an offspring of propositions and each proposition has its
own consequences and conclusions every one of which leads the mind on again
into fresh tracks of enquiries and doubtings The force of this engine added
my father is incredible in opening a childs head Tis enough brother
Shandi cried my uncle Toby to burst it into a thousand splinters
I presume said Yorick smiling it must be owing to this for let
logicians say what they will it is not to be accounted for sufficiently from
the bare use of the ten predicaments That the famous Vincent Quirino
amongst the many other astonishing feats of his childhood of which the Cardinal
Bembo has given the world so exact a story should be able to paste up in the
publick schools at Rome so early as in the eighth year of his age no less than
four thousand five hundred and sixty different theses upon the most abstruse
points of the most abstruse theology and to defend and maintain them in such
sort as to cramp and dumbfound his opponents What is that cried my father
to what is told us of Alphonsus Tostatus who almost in his nurses arms
learned all the sciences and liberal arts without being taught any one of them
What shall we say of the great Piereskius Thats the very man cried my
uncle Toby I once told you of brother Shandy who walked a matter of five
hundred miles reckoning from Paris to Schevling and from Schevling back again
merely to see Stevinuss flying chariot He was a very great man added my
uncle Toby meaning Stevinus He was so brother Toby said my father
meaning Piereskius and had multiplied his ideas so fast and increased his
knowledge to such a prodigious stock that if we may give credit to an anecdote
concerning him which we cannot withhold here without shaking the authority of
all anecdotes whatever at seven years of age his father committed entirely to
his care the education of his younger brother a boy of five years old with
the sole management of all his concerns Was the father as wise as the son
quoth my uncle Toby I should think not said Yorick But what are these
continued my father breaking out in a kind of enthusiasm which are these
to those prodigies of childhood in Grotius Scioppius Heinsius Politian
Pascal Joseph Scaliger Ferdinand de Cordouè and others some of which left
off their substantial forms at nine years old or sooner and went on reasoning
without them others went through their classics at seven wrote tragedies
at eight Ferdinand de Cordouè was so wise at nine twas thought the Devil
was in him and at Venice gave such proofs of his knowledge and goodness
that the monks imagined he was Antichrist or nothing Others were masters of
fourteen languages at ten finished the course of their rhetoric poetry
logic and ethics at eleven put forth their commentaries upon Servius and
Martianus Capella at twelve and at thirteen received their degrees in
philosophy laws and divinity But you forget the great Lipsius quoth
Yorick who composed a work25 the day he was born They should have wiped it
up said my uncle Toby and said no more about it
Chap III
When the cataplasm was ready a scruple of decorum had unseasonably rose up in
Susannahs conscience about holding the candle whilst Slop tied it on Slop
had not treated Susannahs distemper with anodines and so a quarrel had
ensued betwixt them
Oh oh said Slop casting a glance of undue freedom in Susannahs
face as she declined the office then I think I know you madam You know
me Sir cried Susannah fastidiously and with a toss of her head levelled
evidently not at his profession but at the doctor himself you know me
cried Susannah again Doctor Slop clapped his finger and his thumb instantly
upon his nostrils Susannahs spleen was ready to burst at it Tis false
said Susannah Come come Mrs Modesty said Slop not a little elated with
the success of his last thrust if you wont hold the candle and look you
may hold it and shut your eyes Thats one of your popish shifts cried
Susannah Tis better said Slop with a nod than no shift at all young
woman I defy you Sir cried Susannah pulling her shift sleeve below her
elbow
It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a surgical
case with a more splenetic cordiality
Slop snatched up the cataplasm Susannah snatched up the candle A
little this way said Slop Susannah looking one way and rowing another
instantly set fire to Slops wig which being somewhat bushy and unctuous
withal was burnt out before it was well kindled You impudent whore cried
Slop for what is passion but a wild beast you impudent whore cried
Slop getting upright with the cataplasm in his hand I never was the
destruction of any bodys nose said Susannah which is more than you can say
Is it cried Slop throwing the cataplasm in her face Yes it is cried
Susannah returning the compliment with what was left in the pan
Chap IV
Doctor Slop and Susannah filed crossbills against each other in the parlour
which done as the cataplasm had failed they retired into the kitchen to
prepare a fomentation for me and whilst that was doing my father determined
the point as you will read
Chap V
You see tis high time said my father addressing himself equally to my uncle
Toby and Yorick to take this young creature out of these womens hands and put
him into those of a private governor Marcus Antoninus provided fourteen
governors all at once to superintend his son Commoduss education and in six
weeks he cashiered five of them I know very well continued my father that
Commoduss mother was in love with a gladiator at the time of her conception
which accounts for a great many of Commoduss cruelties when he became emperor
but still I am of opinion that those five whom Antoninus dismissed did
Commoduss temper in that short time more hurt than the other nine were able
to rectify all their lives long
Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son as the mirror in
which he is to view himself from morning to night and by which he is to adjust
his looks his carriage and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart I
would have one Yorick if possible polished at all points fit for my child to
look into This is very good sense quoth my uncle Toby to himself
There is continued my father a certain mien and motion of the body and
all its parts both in acting and speaking which argues a man well within and
I am not at all surprized that Gregory of Nazianzum upon observing the hasty
and untoward gestures of Julian should foretel he would one day become an
apostate or that St Ambrose should turn his Amanuensis out of doors
because of an indecent motion of his head which went backwards and forwards
like a flail or that Democritus should conceive Protagoras to be a scholar
from seeing him bind up a faggot and thrusting as he did it the small twigs
inwards There are a thousand unnoticed openings continued my father which
let a penetrating eye at once into a mans soul and I maintain it added he
that a man of sense does not lay down his hat in coming into a room or take
it up in going out of it but something escapes which discovers him
It is for these reasons continued my father that the governor I make
choice of shall neither26 lisp or squint or wink or talk loud or look
fierce or foolish or bite his lips or grind his teeth or speak through
his nose or pick it or blow it with his fingers
He shall neither walk fast or slow or fold his arms for that is
laziness or hang them down for that is folly or hide them in his pocket
for that is nonsense
He shall neither strike or pinch or tickle or bite or cut his nails
or hawk or spit or snift or drum with his feet or fingers in company nor
according to Erasmus shall he speak to any one in making water nor shall he
point to carrion or excrement Now this is all nonsense again quoth my uncle
Toby to himself
I will have him continued my father cheerful faceté jovial at the same
time prudent attentive to business vigilant acute argute inventive quick
in resolving doubts and speculative questions he shall be wise and
judicious and learned And why not humble and moderate and gentle
tempered and good said Yorick And why not cried my uncle Toby free and
generous and bountiful and brave He shall my dear Toby replied my
father getting up and shaking him by his hand Then brother Shandy answered
my uncle Toby raising himself off the chair and laying down his pipe to take
hold of my fathers other hand I humbly beg I may recommend poor Le Fevers
son to you a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in my uncle Tobys eye
and another the fellow to it in the corporals as the proposition was made
you will see why when you read Le Fevers story fool that I was nor can
I recollect nor perhaps you without turning back to the place what it was
that hindered me from letting the corporal tell it in his own words but the
occasion is lost I must tell it now in my own
Chap VI
The Story of Le Fever
It was some time in the summer of that year in which Dendermond was taken by the
allies which was about seven years before my father came into the country
and about as many after the time that my uncle Toby and Trim had privately
decamped from my fathers house in town in order to lay some of the finest
sieges to some of the finest fortified cities in Europe when my uncle Toby was
one evening getting his supper with Trim sitting behind him at a small
sideboard I say sitting for in consideration of the corporals lame knee
which sometimes gave him exquisite pain when my uncle Toby dined or supped
alone he would never suffer the corporal to stand and the poor fellows
veneration for his master was such that with a proper artillery my uncle Toby
could have taken Dendermond itself with less trouble than he was able to gain
this point over him for many a time when my uncle Toby supposed the corporals
leg was at rest he would look back and detect him standing behind him with the
most dutiful respect this bred more little squabbles betwixt them than all
other causes for five and twenty years together But this is neither here nor
there why do I mention it Ask my pen it governs me I govern not it
He was one evening sitting thus at his supper when the landlord of a little
inn in the village came into the parlour with an empty phial in his hand to beg
a glass or two of sack Tis for a poor gentleman I think of the army said
the landlord who has been taken ill at my house four days ago and has never
held up his head since or had a desire to taste any thing till just now that
he has a fancy for a glass of sack and a thin toast I think says he taking
his hand from his forehead it would comfort me
If I could neither beg borrow or buy such a thing added the
landlord I would almost steal it for the poor gentleman he is so ill I
hope in God he will still mend continued he we are all of us concerned for
him
Thou art a good natured soul I will answer for thee cried my uncle Toby
and thou shalt drink the poor gentlemans health in a glass of sack thyself
and take a couple of bottles with my service and tell him he is heartily
welcome to them and to a dozen more if they will do him good
Though I am persuaded said my uncle Toby as the landlord shut the door he
is a very compassionate fellow Trim yet I cannot help entertaining a high
opinion of his guest too there must be something more than common in him that
in so short a time should win so much upon the affections of his host And of
his whole family added the corporal for they are all concerned for him
Step after him said my uncle Toby do Trim and ask if he knows his name
I have quite forgot it truly said the landlord coming back into the
parlour with the corporal but I can ask his son again Has he a son with
him then said my uncle Toby A boy replied the landlord of about eleven or
twelve years of age but the poor creature has tasted almost as little as his
father he does nothing but mourn and lament for him night and day He has
not stirred from the bedside these two days
My uncle Toby laid down his knife and fork and thrust his plate from before
him as the landlord gave him the account and Trim without being ordered took
away without saying one word and in a few minutes after brought him his pipe
and tobacco
Stay in the room a little said my uncle Toby
Trim said my uncle Toby after he lighted his pipe and smoakd about a
dozen whiffs Trim came in front of his master and made his bow my uncle
Toby smoakd on and said no more Corporal said my uncle Toby the
corporal made his bow My uncle Toby proceeded no farther but finished his
pipe
Trim said my uncle Toby I have a project in my head as it is a bad night
of wrapping myself up warm in my roquelaure and paying a visit to this poor
gentleman Your honours roquelaure replied the corporal has not once been
had on since the night before your honour received your wound when we mounted
guard in the trenches before the gate of St Nicholas and besides it is so
cold and rainy a night that what with the roquelaure and what with the
weather twill be enough to give your honour your death and bring on your
honours torment in your groin I fear so replied my uncle Toby but I am not
at rest in my mind Trim since the account the landlord has given me I wish
I had not known so much of this affair added my uncle Toby or that I had
known more of it How shall we manage it Leave it ant please your honour
to me quoth the corporal Ill take my hat and stick and go to the house and
reconnoitre and act accordingly and I will bring your honour a full account in
an hour Thou shalt go Trim said my uncle Toby and heres a shilling for
thee to drink with his servant I shall get it all out of him said the
corporal shutting the door
My uncle Toby filled his second pipe and had it not been that he now and
then wandered from the point with considering whether it was not full as well
to have the curtain of the tennaile a straight line as a crooked one he
might be said to have thought of nothing else but poor Le Fever and his boy the
whole time he smoaked it
Chap VII
The Story of Le Fever continued
It was not till my uncle Toby had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe that
corporal Trim returned from the inn and gave him the following account
I despaired at first said the corporal of being able to bring back your
honour any kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick lieutenant Is he in
the army then said my uncle Toby He is said the corporal And in what
regiment said my uncle Toby Ill tell your honour replied the corporal
every thing straight forwards as I learnt it Then Trim Ill fill another
pipe said my uncle Toby and not interrupt thee till thou hast done so sit
down at thy ease Trim in the window seat and begin thy story again The
corporal made his old bow which generally spoke as plain as a bow could speak
it Your honour is good And having done that he sat down as he was
ordered and begun the story to my uncle Toby over again in pretty near the
same words
I despaired at first said the corporal of being able to bring back any
intelligence to your honour about the lieutenant and his son for when I asked
where his servant was from whom I made myself sure of knowing every thing which
was proper to be asked Thats a right distinction Trim said my uncle Toby
I was answered an please your honour that he had no servant with him that
he had come to the inn with hired horses which upon finding himself unable to
proceed to join I suppose the regiment he had dismissed the morning after
he came If I get better my dear said he as he gave his purse to his son to
pay the man we can hire horses from hence But alas the poor gentleman
will never get from hence said the landlady to me for I heard the
deathwatch all night long and when he dies the youth his son will
certainly die with him for he is broken hearted already
I was hearing this account continued the corporal when the youth came into
the kitchen to order the thin toast the landlord spoke of but I will do it
for my father myself said the youth Pray let me save you the trouble young
gentleman said I taking up a fork for the purpose and offering him my chair
to sit down upon by the fire whilst I did it I believe Sir said he very
modestly I can please him best myself I am sure said I his honour will
not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old soldier The youth
took hold of my hand and instantly burst into tears Poor youth said my
uncle Toby he has been bred up from an infant in the army and the name of a
soldier Trim sounded in his ears like the name of a friend I wish I had him
here
I never in the longest march said the corporal had so great a mind to
my dinner as I had to cry with him for company What could be the matter with
me an please your honour Nothing in the world Trim said my uncle Toby
blowing his nose but that thou art a good natured fellow
When I gave him the toast continued the corporal I thought it was proper
to tell him I was Captain Shandys servant and that your honour though a
stranger was extremely concerned for his father and that if there was any
thing in your house or cellar And thou mightst have added my purse too
said my uncle Toby he was heartily welcome to it He made a very low bow
which was meant to your honour but no answer for his heart was full so he
went up stairs with the toast I warrant you my dear said I as I opened the
kitchen door your father will be well again Mr Yoricks curate was
smoaking a pipe by the kitchen fire but said not a word good or bad to
comfort the youth I thought it wrong added the corporal I think so too
said my uncle Toby
When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast he felt himself a
little revived and sent down into the kitchen to let me know that in about
ten minutes he should be glad if I would step up stairs I believe said the
landlord he is going to say his prayers for there was a book laid upon the
chair by his bedside and as I shut the door I saw his son take up a cushion
I thought said the curate that you gentlemen of the army Mr Trim never
said your prayers at all I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers last
night said the landlady very devoutly and with my own ears or I could not
have believed it Are you sure of it replied the curate A soldier an
please your reverence said I prays as often of his own accord as a parson
and when he is fighting for his king and for his own life and for his
honour too he has the most reason to pray to God of any one in the whole world
Twas well said of thee Trim said my uncle Toby But when a soldier
said I an please your reverence has been standing for twelve hours together
in the trenches up to his knees in cold water or engaged said I for months
together in long and dangerous marches harrassed perhaps in his rear
today harrassing others tomorrow detached here countermanded there
resting this night out upon his arms beat up in his shirt the next
benumbed in his joints perhaps without straw in his tent to kneel on must
say his prayers how and when he can I believe said I for I was piqued
quoth the corporal for the reputation of the army I believe an please your
reverence said I that when a soldier gets time to pray he prays as heartily
as a parson though not with all his fuss and hypocrisy Thou shouldst not
have said that Trim said my uncle Toby for God only knows who is a
hypocrite and who is not At the great and general review of us all
corporal at the day of judgment and not till then it will be seen who has
done their duties in this world and who has not and we shall be advanced
Trim accordingly I hope we shall said Trim It is in the Scripture
said my uncle Toby and I will shew it thee tomorrow In the mean time we
may depend upon it Trim for our comfort said my uncle Toby that God Almighty
is so good and just a governor of the world that if we have but done our duties
in it it will never be enquired into whether we have done them in a red coat
or a black one I hope not said the corporal But go on Trim said my
uncle Toby with thy story
When I went up continued the corporal into the lieutenants room which I
did not do till the expiration of the ten minutes he was lying in his bed
with his head raised upon his hand with his elbow upon the pillow and a clean
white cambrick handkerchief beside it The youth was just stooping down to
take up the cushion upon which I supposed he had been kneeling the book was
laid upon the bed and as he rose in taking up the cushion with one hand he
reached out his other to take it away at the same time Let it remain there
my dear said the lieutenant
He did not offer to speak to me till I had walked up close to his bedside
If you are Captain Shandys servant said he you must present my thanks to
your master with my little boys thanks along with them for his courtesy to
me if he was of Levenss said the lieutenant I told him your honour was
Then said he I served three campaigns with him in Flanders and remember
him but tis most likely as I had not the honour of any acquaintance with
him that he knows nothing of me You will tell him however that the person
his good nature has laid under obligations to him is one Le Fever a lieutenant
in Anguss but he knows me not said he a second time musing possibly
he may my story added he pray tell the captain I was the ensign at Breda
whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a musket shot as she lay in my
arms in my tent I remember the story ant please your honour said I very
well Do you so said he wiping his eyes with his handkerchief then well
may I In saying this he drew a little ring out of his bosom which seemed
tied with a black ribband about his neck and kissd it twice Here Billy
said he the boy flew across the room to the bedside and falling down
upon his knee took the ring in his hand and kissed it too then kissed his
father and sat down upon the bed and wept
I wish said my uncle Toby with a deep sigh I wish Trim I was asleep
Your honour replied the corporal is too much concerned shall I pour
your honour out a glass of sack to your pipe Do Trim said my uncle Toby
I remember said my uncle Toby sighing again the story of the ensign and
his wife with a circumstance his modesty omitted and particularly well that
he as well as she upon some account or other I forget what was universally
pitied by the whole regiment but finish the story thou art upon Tis
finished already said the corporal for I could stay no longer so wished
his honour a good night young Le Fever rose from off the bed and saw me to the
bottom of the stairs and as we went down together told me they had come from
Ireland and were on their route to joint the regiment in Flanders But alas
said the corporal the lieutenants last days march is over Then what is
to become of his poor boy cried my uncle Toby
Chap VIII
The Story of Le Fever continued
It was to my uncle Tobys eternal honour though I tell it only for the sake
of those who when coopd in betwixt a natural and a positive law know not for
their souls which way in the world to turn themselves That notwithstanding
my uncle Toby was warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of
Dendermond parallel with the allies who pressed theirs on so vigorously that
they scarce allowed him time to get his dinner that nevertheless he gave up
Dendermond though he had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp and
bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn and except
that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up by which he might be said to
have turned the siege of Dendermond into a blockade he left Dendermond to
itself to be relieved or not by the French king as the French king thought
good and only considered how he himself should relieve the poor lieutenant and
his son
That kind BEING who is a friend to the friendless shall recompence thee
for this
Thou hast left this matter short said my uncle Toby to the corporal as he
was putting him to bed and I will tell thee in what Trim In the first
place when thou madest an offer of my services to Le Fever as sickness and
travelling are both expensive and thou knowest he was but a poor lieutenant
with a son to subsist as well as himself out of his pay that thou didst not
make an offer to him of my purse because had he stood in need thou knowest
Trim he had been as welcome to it as myself Your honour knows said the
corporal I had no orders True quoth my uncle Toby thou didst very
right Trim as a soldier but certainly very wrong as a man
In the second place for which indeed thou hast the same excuse continued
my uncle Toby when thou offeredst him whatever was in my house thou
shouldst have offered him my house too A sick brother officer should have
the best quarters Trim and if we had him with us we could tend and look to
him Thou art an excellent nurse thyself Trim and what with thy care of
him and the old womans and his boys and mine together we might recruit him
again at once and set him upon his legs
In a fortnight or three weeks added my uncle Toby smiling he might
march He will never march an please your honour in this world said the
corporal He will march said my uncle Toby rising up from the side of the
bed with one shoe off An please your honour said the corporal he will
never march but to his grave He shall march cried my uncle Toby marching
the foot which had a shoe on though without advancing an inch he shall march
to his regiment He cannot stand it said the corporal He shall be
supported said my uncle Toby Hell drop at last said the corporal and
what will become of his boy He shall not drop said my uncle Toby firmly
Awelloday do what we can for him said Trim maintaining his point
the poor soul will die He shall not die by G cried my uncle Toby
The ACCUSING SPIRIT which flew up to heavens chancery with the oath
blushd as he gave it in and the RECORDING ANGEL as he wrote it down droppd
a tear upon the word and blotted it out for ever
ChapIX
My uncle Toby went to his bureau put his purse into his breeches pocket
and having ordered the corporal to go early in the morning for a physician he
went to bed and fell asleep
Chap X
The Story of Le Fever concluded
The sun looked bright the morning after to every eye in the village but Le
Fevers and his afflicted sons the hand of death pressd heavy upon his
eyelids and hardly could the wheel at the cistern turn round its circle
when my uncle Toby who had rose up an hour before his wonted time entered the
lieutenants room and without preface or apology sat himself down upon the
chair by the bedside and independently of all modes and customs opened the
curtain in the manner an old friend and brother officer would have done it and
asked him how he did how he had rested in the night what was his
complaint where was his pain and what he could do to help him and
without giving him time to answer any one of the enquiries went on and told him
of the little plan which he had been concerting with the corporal the night
before for him
You shall go home directly Le Fever said my uncle Toby to my house
and well send for a doctor to see whats the matter and well have an
apothecary and the corporal shall be your nurse and Ill be your servant
Le Fever
There was a frankness in my uncle Toby not the effect of familiarity
but the cause of it which let you at once into his soul and shewed you the
goodness of his nature to this there was something in his looks and voice
and manner superadded which eternally beckoned to the unfortunate to come and
take shelter under him so that before my uncle Toby had half finished the kind
offers he was making to the father had the son insensibly pressed up close to
his knees and had taken hold of the breast of his coat and was pulling it
towards him The blood and spirits of Le Fever which were waxing cold and
slow within him and were retreating to their last citadel the heart rallied
back the film forsook his eyes for a moment he looked up wishfully in my
uncle Tobys face then cast a look upon his boy and that ligament fine
as it was was never broken
Nature instantly ebbd again the film returned to its place the
pulse fluttered stoppd went on throbd stoppd again moved
stoppd shall I go on No
Chap XI
I am so impatient to return to my own story that what remains of young Le
Fevers that is from this turn of his fortune to the time my uncle Toby
recommended him for my preceptor shall be told in a very few words in the next
chapter All that is necessary to be added to this chapter is as follows
That my uncle Toby with young Le Fever in his hand attended the poor
lieutenant as chief mourners to his grave
That the governor of Dendermond paid his obsequies all military honours
and that Yorick not to be behind hand paid him all ecclesiastic for he
buried him in his chancel And it appears likewise he preached a funeral
sermon over him I say it appears for it was Yoricks custom which I
suppose a general one with those of his profession on the first leaf of every
sermon which he composed to chronicle down the time the place and the
occasion of its being preached to this he was ever wont to add some short
comment or stricture upon the sermon itself seldom indeed much to its credit
For instance This sermon upon the jewish dispensation I dont like it at
all Though I own there is a world of WATERLANDISH knowledge in it but
tis all tritical and most tritically put together This is but a flimsy
kind of a composition what was in my head when I made it
NB The excellency of this text is that it will suit any sermon and
of this sermon that it will suit any text
For this sermon I shall be hanged for I have stolen the greatest part
of it Doctor Paidagunes found me out Set a thief to catch a thief
On the back of half a dozen I find written So so and no more and upon
a couple Moderato by which as far as one may gather from Altieris Italian
dictionary but mostly from the authority of a piece of green whipcord which
seemed to have been the unravelling of Yoricks whiplash with which he has
left us the two sermons marked Moderato and the half dozen of So so tied fast
together in one bundle by themselves one may safely suppose he meant pretty
near the same thing
There is but one difficulty in the way of this conjecture which is this
that the moderatos are five times better than the so sos shew ten times
more knowledge of the human heart have seventy times more wit and spirit in
them and to rise properly in my climax discover a thousand times more
genius and to crown all are infinitely more entertaining than those tied up
with them for which reason wheneer Yoricks dramatic sermons are offered to
the world though I shall admit but one out of the whole number of the so sos
I shall nevertheless adventure to print the two moderatos without any sort of
scruple
What Yorick could mean by the words lentamente tenutè grave and
sometimes adagio as applied to theological compositions and with which he
has characterized some of these sermons I dare not venture to guess I am
more puzzled still upon finding a loctava alta upon one Con strepito upon
the back of another Scicilliana upon a third Alla capella upon a fourth
Con larco upon this Senza larco upon that All I know is that they
are musical terms and have a meaning and as he was a musical man I will
make no doubt but that by some quaint application of such metaphors to the
compositions in hand they impressed very distinct ideas of their several
characters upon his fancy whatever they may do upon that of others
Amongst these there is that particular sermon which has unaccountably led
me into this digression The funeral sermon upon poor Le Fever wrote out very
fairly as if from a hasty copy I take notice of it the more because it
seems to have been his favourite composition It is upon mortality and is
tied lengthways and crossways with a yarn thrum and then rolled up and
twisted round with a half sheet of dirty blue paper which seems to have been
once the cast cover of a general review which to this day smells horribly of
horsedrugs Whether these marks of humiliation were designed I something
doubt because at the end of the sermon and not at the beginning of it
very different from his way of treating the rest he had wrote
Bravo
Though not very offensively for it is at two inches at least and a
halfs distance from and below the concluding line of the sermon at the very
extremity of the page and in that right hand corner of it which you know is
generally covered with your thumb and to do it justice it is wrote besides
with a crows quill so faintly in a small Italian hand as scarce to sollicit
the eye towards the place whether your thumb is there or not so that from
the manner of it it stands half excused and being wrote moreover with very
pale ink diluted almost to nothing tis more like a ritratto of the shadow
of vanity than of VANITY herself of the two resembling rather a faint
thought of transient applause secretly stirring up in the heart of the
composer than a gross mark of it coarsely obtruded upon the world
With all these extenuations I am aware that in publishing this I do no
service to Yoricks character as a modest man but all men have their
failings and what lessens this still farther and almost wipes it away is
this that the word was struck through sometime afterwards as appears from a
different tint of the ink with a line quite across it in this manner as if
he had retracted or was ashamed of the opinion he had once entertained of it
These short characters of his sermons were always written excepting in this
one instance upon the first leaf of his sermon which served as a cover to it
and usually upon the inside of it which was turned towards the text but at
the end of his discourse where perhaps he had five or six pages and
sometimes perhaps a whole score to turn himself in he took a larger
circuit and indeed a much more mettlesome one as if he had snatched the
occasion of unlacing himself with a few more frolicksome strokes at vice than
the straitness of the pulpit allowed These though hussarlike they skirmish
lightly and out of all order are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue
tell me then Mynheer Vander Blonederdondergewdenstronke why they should not be
printed together
Chap XII
When my uncle Toby had turned every thing into money and settled all accounts
betwixt the agent of the regiment and Le Fever and betwixt Le Fever and all
mankind there remained nothing more in my uncle Tobys hands than an old
regimental coat and a sword so that my uncle Toby found little or no opposition
from the world in taking administration The coat my uncle gave Toby the
corporal Wear it Trim said my uncle Toby as long as it will hold
together for the sake of the poor lieutenant And this said my uncle
Toby taking up the sword in his hand and drawing it out of the scabbard as he
spoke and this Le Fever Ill save for thee tis all the fortune
continued my uncle Toby hanging it up upon a crook and pointing to it tis
all the fortune my dear Le Fever which God has left thee but if he has given
thee a heart to fight thy way with it in the world and thou doest it like a
man of honour tis enough for us
As soon as my uncle Toby had laid a foundation and taught him to inscribe a
regular polygon in a circle he sent him to a public school where excepting
Whitsontide and Christmas at which times the corporal was punctually dispatched
for him he remained to the spring of the year seventeen when the stories of
the emperors sending his army into Hungary against the Turks kindling a spark
of fire in his bosom he left his Greek and Latin without leave and throwing
himself upon his knees before my uncle Toby begged his fathers sword and my
uncle Tobys leave along with it to go and try his fortune under Eugene
Twice did my uncle Toby forget his wound and cry out Le Fever I will go with
thee and thou shalt fight beside me And twice he laid his hand upon his
groin and hung down his head in sorrow and disconsolation
My uncle Toby took down the sword from the crook where it had hung
untouched ever since the lieutenants death and delivered it to the corporal to
brighten up and having detained Le Fever a single fortnight to equip him
and contract for his passage to Leghorn he put the sword into his hand If
thou art brave Le Fever said my uncle Toby this will not fail thee but
Fortune said he musing a little Fortune may And if she does added
my uncle Toby embracing him come back again to me Le Fever and we will shape
thee another course
The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of Le Fever more than
my uncle Tobys paternal kindness he parted from my uncle Toby as the best
of sons from the best of fathers both dropped tears and as my uncle Toby
gave him his last kiss he slipped sixty guineas tied up in an old purse of his
fathers in which was his mothers ring into his hand and bid God bless
him
Chap XIII
Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal his
sword was made of at the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade but a series of
unmerited mischances had pursued him from that moment and trod close upon his
heels for four years together after he had withstood these buffetings to the
last till sickness overtook him at Marseilles from whence he wrote my uncle
Toby word he had lost his time his services his health and in short every
thing but his sword and was waiting for the first ship to return back to
him
As this letter came to hand about six weeks before Susannahs accident Le
Fever was hourly expected and was uppermost in my uncle Tobys mind all the
time my father was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind of a person
he would chuse for a preceptor to me but as my uncle Toby thought my father at
first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required he forbore
mentioning Le Fevers name till the character by Yoricks interposition
ending unexpectedly in one who should be gentle tempered and generous and
good it impressed the image of Le Fever and his interest upon my uncle Toby so
forceably he rose instantly off his chair and laying down his pipe in order
to take hold of both my fathers hands I beg brother Shandy said my uncle
Toby I may recommend poor Le Fevers son to you I beseech you do added
Yorick He has a good heart said my uncle Toby And a brave one too an
please your honour said the corporal
The best hearts Trim are ever the bravest replied my uncle Toby
And the greatest cowards an please your honour in our regiment were the
greatest rascals in it There was serjeant Kumbur and ensign
Well talk of them said my father another time
Chap XIV
What a jovial and a merry world would this be may it please your worships but
for that inextricable labyrinth of debts cares woes want grief discontent
melancholy large jointures impositions and lies
Doctor Slop like a son of a w as my father called him for it to exalt
himself debased me to death and made ten thousand times more of Susannahs
accident than there was any grounds for so that in a weeks time or less it
was in every bodys mouth That poor Master Shandy
entirely And FAME who loves to double every thing
in three days more had sworn positively she saw it and all the world as
usual gave credit to her evidence »That the nursery window had not only
but that
s also«
Could the world have been sued like a BODYCORPORATE my father had
brought an action upon the case and trounced it sufficiently but to fall foul
of individuals about it as every soul who had mentioned the affair did it
with the greatest pity imaginable twas like flying in the very face of his
best friends And yet to acquiesce under the report in silence was to
acknowledge it openly at least in the opinion of one half of the world and
to make a bustle again in contradicting it was to confirm it as strongly in
the opinion of the other half
Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered said my father
I would shew him publickly said my uncle Toby at the market cross
Twill have no effect said my father
Chap XV
Ill put him however into breeches said my father let the world say what
it will
Chap XVI
There are a thousand resolutions Sir both in church and state as well as in
matters Madam of a more private concern which though they have carried all
the appearance in the world of being taken and entered upon in a hasty
harebrained and unadvised manner were notwithstanding this and could you
or I have got into the cabinet or stood behind the curtain we should have
found it was so been weighed poized and perpended argued upon canvassed
through entered into and examined on all sides with so much coolness that
the GODDESS of COOLNESS herself I do not take upon me to prove her existence
could neither have wished it or done it better
Of the number of these was my fathers resolution of putting me into
breeches which though determined at once in a kind of huff and a defiance
of all mankind had nevertheless been prod and connd and judicially talked
over betwixt him and my mother about a month before in two several beds of
justice which my father had held for that purpose I shall explain the nature
of these beds of justice in my next chapter and in the chapter following that
you shall step with me Madam behind the curtain only to hear in what kind of
manner my father and my mother debated between themselves this affair of the
breeches from which you may form an idea how they debated all lesser
matters
Chap XVII
The ancient Goths of Germany who the learned Cluverius is positive were first
seated in the country between the Vistula and the Oder and who afterwards
incorporated the Herculi the Bugians and some other Vandallick clans to em
had all of them a wise custom of debating every thing of importance to their
state twice that is once drunk and once sober Drunk that their
counsels might not want vigour and sober that they might not want
discretion
Now my father being entirely a waterdrinker was a long time gravelled
almost to death in turning this as much to his advantage as he did every other
thing which the ancients did or said and it was not till the seventh year of
his marriage after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices that he hit
upon an expedient which answered the purpose and that was when any difficult
and momentous point was to be settled in the family which required great
sobriety and great spirit too in its determination he fixed and set apart
the first Sunday night in the month and the Saturday night which immediately
preceded it to argue it over in bed with my mother By which contrivance if
you consider Sir with yourself
These my father humourously enough called his beds of justice for from
the two different counsels taken in these two different humours a middle one
was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well as if he had
got drunk and sober a hundred times
It must not be made a secret of to the world that this answers full as well
in literary discussions as either in military or conjugal but it is not every
author that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did it or if he
can may it be always for his bodys health and to do it as my father did it
am I sure it would be always for his souls
My way is this
In all nice and ticklish discussions of which heaven knows there are
but too many in my book where I find I cannot take a step without the danger
of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back I write one
half full and tother fasting or write it all full and correct it
fasting or write it fasting and correct it full for they all come to the
same thing So that with a less variation from my fathers plan than my
fathers from the Gothick I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed
of justice and no way inferior to him in his second These different and
almost irreconcileable effects flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful
mechanism of nature of which be hers the honour All that we can do
is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactury of the
arts and sciences
Now when I write full I write as if I was never to write fasting again
as long as I live that is I write free from the cares as well as the
terrors of the world I count not the number of my scars nor does my fancy
go forth into dark entries and bye corners to antedate my stabs In a word
my pen takes its course and I write on as much from the fullness of my heart
as my stomach
But when an please your honours I indite fasting tis a different
history I pay the world all possible attention and respect and have as
great a share whilst it lasts of that understrapping virtue of discretion as
the best of you So that betwixt both I write a careless kind of a civil
nonsensical good humoured Shandean book which will do all your hearts good
And all your heads too provided you understand it
Chap XVIII
We should begin said my father turning himself half round in bed and shifting
his pillow a little towards my mothers as he opened the debate We should
begin to think Mrs Shandy of putting this boy into breeches
We should so said my mother We defer it my dear quoth my father
shamefully
I think we do Mr Shandy said my mother
Not but the child looks extremely well said my father in his vests and
tunicks
He does look very well in them replied my mother
And for that reason it would be almost a sin added my father to take
him out of em
It would so said my mother But indeed he is growing a very tall
lad rejoind my father
He is very tall for his age indeed said my mother
I can not making two syllables of it imagine quoth my father who the
duce he takes after
I cannot conceive for my life said my mother
Humph said my father
The dialogue ceased for a moment
I am very short myself continued my father gravely
You are very short Mr Shandy said my mother
Humph quoth my father to himself a second time in muttering which he
plucked his pillow a little further from my mothers and turning about again
there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half
When he gets these breeches made cried my father in a higher tone hell
look like a beast in em
He will be very aukward in them at first replied my mother
And twill be lucky if thats the worst ont added my father
It will be very lucky answered my mother
I suppose replied my father making some pause first hell be exactly
like other peoples children
Exactly said my mother
Though I should be sorry for that added my father and so the debate
stopped again
They should be of leather said my father turning him about again
They will last him said my mother the longest
But he can have no linings to em replied my father
He cannot said my mother
Twere better to have them of fustian quoth my father
Nothing can be better quoth my mother
Except dimity replied my father Tis best of all replied my
mother
One must not give him his death however interrupted my father
By no means said my mother and so the dialogue stood still again
I am resolved however quoth my father breaking silence the fourth time
he shall have no pockets in them
There is no occasion for any said my mother
I mean in his coat and waistcoat cried my father
I mean so too replied mother
Though if he gets a gig or a top Pour souls it is a crown and a
scepter to them they should have where to secure it
Order it as you please Mr Shandy replied my mother
But dont you think it right added my father pressing the point home to
her
Perfectly said my mother if it pleases you Mr Shandy
Theres for you cried my father losing temper Pleases me You
never will distinguish Mrs Shandy nor shall I ever teach you to do it
betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience This was on the
Sunday night and further this chapter sayeth not
Chap XIX
After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother he
consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it and Albertus Rubenius used my father ten
times worse in the consultation if possible than even my father had used my
mother For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto express De re Vestiaria Veterum
it was Rubeniuss business to have given my father some lights On the
contrary my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal
virtues out of a long beard as of extracting a single word out of Rubenius
upon the subject
Upon every other article of ancient dress Rubenius was very communicative
to my father gave him a full and satisfactory account of
The Toga or loose gown
The Chlamys
The Ephod
The Tunica or Jacket
The Synthesis
The Pænula
The Lacema with its Cucullus
The Paludamentum
The Prætexta
The Sagum or soldiers jerkin
The Trabea of which according to Suetonius there were three kinds
But what are all these to the breeches said my father
Rubenius threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been
in fashion with the Romans There was
The open shoe
The close shoe
The slip shoe
The wooden shoe
The soc
The buskin
And The military shoe with hobnails in it which Juvenal takes notice
of
There were The clogs
The patins
The pantoufles
The brogues
The sandals with latchets to them
There was The felt shoe
The linen shoe
The laced shoe
The braided shoe
The calceus incisus
And The calceus rostratus
Rubenius shewed my father how well they all fitted in what manner they laced
on with what points straps thongs lachets ribands jaggs and ends
But I want to be informed about the breeches said my father
Albertus Rubenius informed my father that the Romans manufactured stuffs of
various fabricks some plain some striped others diapered throughout
the whole contexture of the wool with silk and gold That linen did not begin
to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire when the
Egyptians coming to settle amongst them brought it into vogue
That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the
fineness and whiteness of their cloaths which colour next to purple which was
appropriated to the great offices they most affected and wore on their
birthdays and public rejoicings That it appeared from the best historians
of those times that they frequently sent their cloaths to the fuller to be
cleaned and whitened but that the inferior people to avoid that expence
generally wore brown cloaths and of a something coarser texture till towards
the beginning of Augustuss reign when the slave dressed like his master and
almost every distinction of habiliment was lost but the Latus Clavus
And what was the Latus Clavus said my father
Rubenius told him that the point was still litigating amongst the learned
That Egnatius Sigonius Bossius Ticinensis Bayfius Budæus Salmasius
Lipsius Lazius Isaac Causobon and Joseph Scaliger all differed from each
other and he from them That some took it to be the button some the coat
itself others only the colour of it That the great Bayfius in his
Wardrobe of the ancients chap 12 honestly said he knew not what it was
whether a tibula a stud a button a loop a buckle or clasps and
keepers
My father lost the horse but not the saddle They are hooks and eyes
said my father and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made
Chap XX
We are now going to enter upon a new scene of events
Leave we then the breeches in the taylors hands with my father standing
over him with his cane reading him as he sat at work a lecture upon the latus
clavus and pointing to the precise part of the waistband where he was
determined to have it sewed on
Leave we my mother truest of all the Pococurantes of her sex
careless about it as about every thing else in the world which concerned her
that is indifferent whether it was done this way or that provided it was
but done at all
Leave we Slop likewise to the full profits of all my dishonours
Leave we poor Le Fever to recover and get home from Marseilles as he can
And last of all because the hardest of all
Let us leave if possible myself But tis impossible I must go along
with you to the end of the work
Chap XXI
If the reader has not a clear conception of the rood and the half of ground
which lay at the bottom of my uncle Tobys kitchen garden and which was the
scene of so many of his delicious hours the fault is not in me but in his
imagination for I am sure I gave him so minute a description I was almost
ashamed of it
When FATE was looking forwards one afternoon into the great transactions of
future times and recollected for what purposes this little plot by a decree
fast bound down in iron had been destined she gave a nod to NATURE twas
enough Nature threw half a spade full of her kindliest compost upon it with
just so much clay in it as to retain the forms of angles and indentings and
so little of it too as not to cling to the spade and render works of so much
glory nasty in foul weather
My uncle Toby came down as the reader has been informed with plans along
with him of almost every fortified town in Italy and Flanders so let the Duke
of Marlborough or the allies have set down before what town they pleased my
uncle Toby was prepared for them
His way which was the simplest one in the world was this as soon as ever
a town was invested but sooner when the design was known to take the plan of
it let it be what town it would and enlarge it upon a scale to the exact size
of his bowlinggreen upon the surface of which by means of a large role of
packthread and a number of small piquets driven into the ground at the several
angles and redans he transferred the lines from his paper then taking the
profile of the place with its works to determine the depths and slopes of the
ditches the talus of the glacis and the precise height of the several
banquets parapets etc he set the corporal to work and sweetly went it
on The nature of the soil the nature of the work itself and above all
the good nature of my uncle Toby sitting by from morning to night and chatting
kindly with the corporal upon pastdone deeds left LABOUR little else but the
ceremony of the name
When the place was finished in this manner and put into a proper posture of
defence it was invested and my uncle Toby and the corporal began to run
their first parallel I beg I may not be interrupted in my story by being
told That the first parallel should be at least three hundred toises distant
from the main body of the place and that I have not left a single inch for
it for my uncle Toby took the liberty of incroaching upon his kitchen garden
for the sake of enlarging his works on the bowling green and for that reason
generally ran his first and second parallels betwixt two rows of his cabbages
and his collyflowers the conveniences and inconveniences of which will be
considered at large in the history of my uncle Tobys and the corporals
campaigns of which this Im now writing is but a sketch and will be finished
if I conjecture right in three pages but there is no guessing The
campaigns themselves will take up as many books and therefore I apprehend it
would be hanging too great a weight of one kind of matter in so flimsy a
performance as this to rhapsodize them as I once intended into the body of
the work surely they had better be printed apart well consider the
affair so take the following sketch of them in the mean time
Chap XXII
When the town with its works was finished my uncle Toby and the corporal
began to run their first parallel not at random or any how but from the
same points and distances the allies had begun to run theirs and regulating
their approaches and attacks by the accounts my uncle Toby received from the
daily papers they went on during the whole siege step by step with the
allies
When the duke of Marlborough made a lodgment my uncle Toby made a
lodgment too And when the face of a bastion was battered down or a defence
ruined the corporal took his mattock and did as much and so on gaining
ground and making themselves masters of the works one after another till the
town fell into their hands
To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others there could not
have been a greater sight in the world than on a postmorning in which a
practicable breach had been made by the duke of Marlborough in the main body of
the place to have stood behind the hornbeam hedge and observed the spirit
with which my uncle Toby with Trim behind him sallied forth the one with
the Gazette in his hand the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the
contents What an honest triumph in my uncle Tobys looks as he marched up to
the ramparts What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood over the
corporal reading the paragraph ten times over to him as he was at work lest
peradventure he should make the breach an inch too wide or leave it an inch
too narrow But when the chamade was beat and the corporal helped my uncle up
it and followed with the colours in his hand to fix them upon the ramparts
Heaven Earth Sea but what avails apostrophes with all your elements
wet or dry ye never compounded so intoxicating a draught
In this track of happiness for many years without one interruption to it
except now and then when the wind continued to blow due west for a week or ten
days together which detained the Flanders mail and kept them so long in
torture but still twas the torture of the happy In this track I say did
my uncle Toby and Trim move for many years every year of which and sometimes
every month from the invention of either the one or the other of them adding
some new conceit or quirk of improvement to their operations which always
opened fresh springs of delight in carrying them on
The first years campaign was carried on from beginning to end in the plain
and simple method Ive related
In the second year in which my uncle Toby took Liege and Ruremond he
thought he might afford the expence of four handsome drawbridges two of which
I have given an exact description in the former part of my work
At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with
portcullises These last were converted afterwards in orgues as the better
thing and during the winter of the same year my uncle Toby instead of a new
suit of cloaths which he always had at Christmas treated himself with a
handsome sentrybox to stand at the corner of the bowlinggreen betwixt which
point and the foot of the glacis there was left a little kind of an esplanade
for him and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon
The sentrybox was in case of rain
All these were painted white three times over the ensuing spring which
enabled my uncle Toby to take the field with great splendour
My father would often say to Yorick that if any mortal in the whole
universe had done such a thing except his brother Toby it would have been
looked upon by the world as one of the most refined satyrs upon the parade and
prancing manner in which Lewis XIV from the beginning of the war but
particularly that very year had taken the field But tis not my brother
Tobys nature kind soul my father would add to insult any one
But let us go on
Chap XXIII
I must observe that although in the first years campaign the word town is
often mentioned yet there was no town at that time within the polygon that
addition was not made till the summer following the spring in which the bridges
and sentrybox were painted which was the third year of my uncle Tobys
campaigns when upon his taking Amberg Bonn and Rhinberg and Huy and
Limbourg one after another a thought came into the corporals head that to
talk of taking so many towns without one TOWN to show for it was a very
nonsensical way of going to work and so proposed to my uncle Toby that they
should have a little model of a town built for them to be run up together of
slit deals and then painted and clapped within the interior polygon to serve
for all
My uncle Toby felt the good of the project instantly and instantly agreed
to it but with the addition of two singular improvements of which he was
almost as proud as if he had been the original inventor of the project itself
The one was to have the town built exactly in the stile of those of which
it was most likely to be the representative with grated windows and the
gable ends of the houses facing the streets etc etc as those in Ghent and
Bruges and the rest of the towns in Brabant and Flanders
The other was not to have the houses run up together as the corporal
proposed but to have every house independant to hook on or off so as form
into the plan of whatever town they pleased This was put directly into hand
and many and many a look of mutual congratulation was exchanged between my uncle
Toby and the corporal as the carpenter did the work
It answered prodigiously the next summer the town was a perfect
Proteus It was Landen and Trerebach and Santvliet and Drusen and Hagenau
and then it was Ostend and Menin and Aeth and Dendermond
Surely never did any TOWN act so many parts since Sodom and Gomorrah as
my uncle Tobys town did
In the fourth year my uncle Toby thinking a town looked foolishly without a
church added a very fine one with a steeple Trim was for having bells in
it my uncle Toby said the mettle had better be cast into cannon
This led the way the next campaign for half a dozen brass field pieces to
be planted three and three on each side of my uncle Tobys sentrybox and in a
short time these led the way for a train of somewhat larger and so on as
must always be the case in hobbyhorsical affairs from pieces of half an inch
bore till it came at last to my fathers jack boots
The next year which was that in which Lisle was besieged and at the close
of which both Ghent and Bruges fell into our hands my uncle Toby was sadly
put to it for proper ammunition I say proper ammunition because his great
artillery would not bear powder and twas well for the Shandy family they would
not For so full were the papers from the beginning to the end of the siege
of the incessant firings kept up by the besiegers and so heated was my uncle
Tobys imagination with the accounts of them that he had infallibly shot away
all his estate
SOMETHING therefore was wanting as a succedaneum especially in one or two
of the more violent paroxysms of the siege to keep up something like a
continual firing in the imagination and this something the corporal whose
principal strength lay in invention supplied by an entire new system of
battering of his own without which this had been objected to by military
critics to the end of the world as one of the great desiderata of my uncle
Tobys apparatus
This will not be explained the worse for setting off as I generally do at
a little distance from the subject
Chap XXIV
With two or three other trinkets small in themselves but of great regard
which poor Tom the corporals unfortunate brother had sent him over with the
account of his marriage with the Jews widow there was
A Monterocap and two Turkish tobacco pipes
The Monterocap I shall describe by and bye The Turkish tobacco pipes
had nothing particular in them they were fitted up and ornamented as usual
with flexible tubes of Morocco leather and gold wire and mounted at their ends
the one of them with ivory the other with black ebony tippd with silver
My father who saw all things in lights different from the rest of the
world would say to the corporal that he ought to look upon these two presents
more as tokens of his brothers nicety than his affection Tom did not care
Trim he would say to put on the cap or to smoak in the tobaccopipe of a Jew
God bless your honour the corporal would say giving a strong reason to the
contrary how can that be
The Monterocap was scarlet of a superfine Spanish cloth died in grain
and mounted all round with furr except about four inches in the front which
was faced with a light blue slightly embroidered and seemed to have been the
property of a Portuguese quartermaster not of foot but of horse as the word
denotes
The corporal was not a little proud of it as well for its own sake as the
sake of the giver so seldom or never put it on but upon GALAdays and yet
never was a Monterocap put to so many uses for in all controverted points
whether military or culinary provided the corporal was sure he was in the
right it was either his oath his wager or his gift
Twas his gift in the present case
Ill be bound said the corporal speaking to himself to give away my
Monterocap to the first beggar who comes to the door if I do not manage this
matter to his honours satisfaction
The completion was no further off than the very next morning which was
that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the Lower Deule to the right and
the gate St Andrew and on the left between St Magdalens and the river
As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war the most gallant
and obstinate on both sides and I must add the most bloody too for it cost
the allies themselves that morning above eleven hundred men my uncle Toby
prepared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity
The eve which preceded as my uncle Toby went to bed he ordered his ramallie
wig which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old
campaigning trunk which stood by his bedside to be taken out and laid upon the
lid of it ready for the morning and the very first thing he did in his
shirt when he had stepped out of bed my uncle Toby after he had turned the
rough side outwards put it on This done he proceeded next to his
breeches and having buttoned the waistband he forthwith buckled on his sword
belt and had got his sword half way in when he considered he should want
shaving and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on so
took it off In assaying to put on his regimental coat and waistcoat my
uncle Toby found the same objection in his wig so that went off too So
that what with one thing and what with another as always falls out when a man
is in the most haste twas ten oclock which was half an hour later than his
usual time before my uncle Toby sallied out
Chap XXV
My uncle Toby had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedge which separated his
kitchen garden from his bowling green when he perceived the corporal had began
the attack without him
Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporals apparatus and of the
corporal himself in the height of this attack just as it struck my uncle Toby
as he turned towards the sentrybox where the corporal was at work for in
nature there is not such another nor can any combination of all that is
grotesque and whimsical in her works produce its equal
The corporal
Tread lightly on his ashes ye men of genius for he was your kinsman
Weed his grave clean ye men of goodness for he was your brother Oh
corporal had I thee but now now that I am able to give thee a dinner and
protection how would I cherish thee thou shouldst wear thy Monterocap
every hour of the day and every day of the week and when it was worn out I
would purchase thee a couple like it But alas alas alas now that I can do
this in spight of their reverences the occasion is lost for thou art gone
thy genius fled up to the stars from whence it came and that warm heart of
thine with all its generous and open vessels compressed into a clod of the
valley
But what what is this to that future and dreaded page where I look
towards the velvet pall decorated with the military ensigns of thy master the
first the foremost of created beings where I shall see thee faithful
servant laying his sword and scabbard with a trembling hand across his coffin
and then returning pale as ashes to the door to take his mourning horse by the
bridle to follow his hearse as he directed thee where all my fathers
systems shall be baffled by his sorrows and in spight of his philosophy I
shall behold him as he inspects the lackered plate twice taking his spectacles
from off his nose to wipe away the dew which nature has shed upon them When
I see him cast in the rosemary with an air of disconsolation which cries
through my ears O Toby in what corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow
Gracious powers which erst have opened the lips of the dumb in his
distress and made the tongue of the stammerer speak plain when I shall
arrive at this dreaded page deal not with me then with a stinted hand
Chap XXVI
The corporal who the night before had resolved in his mind to supply the grand
desideratum of keeping up something like an incessant firing upon the enemy
during the heat of the attack had no further idea in his fancy at that time
than a contrivance of smoaking tobacco against the town out of one of my uncle
Tobys six field pieces which were planted on each side of his sentrybox the
means of effecting which occuring to his fancy at the same time though he had
pledged his cap he thought it in no danger from the miscarriage of his
projects
Upon turning it this way and that a little in his mind he soon began to
find out that by means of his two Turkish tobaccopipes with the supplement of
three smaller tubes of washleather at each of their lower ends to be taggd by
the same number of tin pipes fitted to the touch holes and sealed with clay
next the cannon and then tied hermetically with waxed silk at their several
insertions into the Morocco tube he should be able to fire the six field
pieces all together and with the same ease as to fire one
Let no man say from what taggs and jaggs hints may not be cut out for the
advancement of human knowledge Let no man who has read my fathers first and
second beds of justice ever rise up and say again from collision of what kinds
of bodies light may or may not be struck out to carry the arts and sciences
up to perfection Heaven thou knowest how I love them thou knowest the
secrets of my heart and that I would this moment give my shirt Thou art a
fool Shandy says Eugenius for thou hast but a dozen in the world and
twill break thy set
No matter for that Eugenius I would give the shirt off my back to be burnt
into tinder were it only to satisfy one feverish enquirer how many sparks at
one good stroke a good flint and steel could strike into the tail of it
Think ye not that in striking these in he might peradventure strike
something out as sure as a gun
But this project by the bye
The corporal sat up the best part of the night in bringing his to
perfection and having made a sufficient proof of his cannon with charging them
to the top with tobacco he went with contentment to bed
Chap XXVII
The corporal had slipped out about ten minutes before my uncle Toby in order to
fix his apparatus and just give the enemy a shot or two before my uncle Toby
came
He had drawn the six fieldpieces for this end all close up together in
front of my uncle Tobys sentrybox leaving only an interval of about a yard
and a half betwixt the three on the right and left for the convenience of
charging etc and the sake possibly of two batteries which he might think
double the honour of one
In the rear and facing this opening with his back to the door of the
sentrybox for fear of being flanked had the corporal wisely taken his post
He held the ivory pipe appertaining to the battery on the right betwixt the
finger and thumb of his right hand and the ebony pipe tippd with silver
which appertained to the battery on the left betwixt the finger and thumb of
the other and with his right knee fixed firm upon the ground as if in the
front rank of his platoon was the corporal with his monterocap upon his head
furiously playing off his two cross batteries at the same time against the
counterguard which faced the counterscarp where the attack was to be made that
morning His first intention as I said was no more than giving the enemy a
single puff or two but the pleasure of the puffs as well as the puffing had
insensibly got hold of the corporal and drawn him on from puff to puff into
the very height of the attack by the time my uncle Toby joined him
Twas well for my father that my uncle Toby had not his will to make that
day
Chap XXVIII
My uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out of the corporals hand looked at it for
half a minute and returned it
In less than two minutes my uncle Toby took the pipe from the corporal
again and raised it half way to his mouth then hastily gave it back a second
time
The corporal redoubled the attack my uncle Toby smiled then looked
grave then smiled for a moment then looked serious for a long time
Give me hold of the ivory pipe Trim said my uncle Toby my uncle Toby put it
to his lips drew it back directly gave a peep over the hornbeam hedge
never did my uncle Tobys mouth water so much for a pipe in his life My
uncle Toby retired into the sentrybox with the pipe in his hand
Dear uncle Toby dont go into the sentrybox with the pipe theres no
trusting a mans self with such a thing in such a corner
Chap XXIX
I beg the reader will assist me here to wheel off my uncle Tobys ordnance
behind the scenes to remove his sentrybox and clear the theatre if
possible of hornworks and halfmoons and get the rest of his military
apparatus out of the way that done my dear friend Garrick well snuff the
candles bright sweep the stage with a new broom draw up the curtain and
exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character throughout which the world can
have no idea how he will act and yet if pity be akin to love and bravery no
alien to it you have seen enough of my uncle Toby in these to trace these
family likenesses betwixt the two passions in case there is one to your
hearts content
Vain science thou assists us in no case of this kind and thou puzzlest us
in every one
There was Madam in my uncle Toby a singleness of heart which misled him
so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature
usually go on you can you can have no conception of it with this there was
a plainness and simplicity of thinking with such an unmistrusting ignorance of
the plies and foldings of the heart of woman and so naked and defenceless
did he stand before you when a siege was out of his head that you might have
stood behind any one of your serpentine walks and shot my uncle Toby ten times
in a day through his liver if nine times in a day Madam had not served your
purpose
With all this Madam and what confounded every thing as much on the other
hand my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of
and which by the bye stood eternal sentry upon his feelings that you might as
soon But where am I going these reflections croud in upon me ten pages at
least too soon and take up that time which I ought to bestow upon facts
Chap XXX
Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the sting of
love was maintaining first all mysogynists to be bastards the greatest
heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in
ten of the honour and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study out of
my drawwell only for five minutes to tell you their names recollect them I
cannot so be content to accept of these for the present in their stead
There was the great king Aldrovandus and Bosphorus and Capadocius and
Dardanus and Pontus and Asius to say nothing of the ironhearted Charles
the XIIth whom the Countess of K herself could make nothing of
There was Babylonicus and Mediterraneus and Polixenes and Persicus and
Prusicus not one of whom except Capadocius and Pontus who were both a little
suspected ever once bowed down his breast to the goddess The truth is they
had all of them something else to do and so had my uncle Toby till Fate
till Fate I say envying his name the glory of being handed down to posterity
with Aldrovanduss and the rest she basely patched up the peace of Utrecht
Believe me Sirs twas the worst deed she did that year
Chap XXXI
Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht it was within a
point of giving my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges and though he recovered his
appetite afterwards yet Calais itself left not a deeper scar in Marys heart
than Utrecht upon my uncle Tobys To the end of his life he never could hear
Utrecht mentioned upon any account whatever or so much as read an article of
news extracted out of the Utrecht Gazette without fetching a sigh as if his
heart would break in twain
My father who was a great MOTIVEMONGER and consequently a very dangerous
person for a man to sit by either laughing or crying for he generally knew
your motive for doing both much better than you knew it yourself would always
console my uncle Toby upon these occasions in a way which shewed plainly he
imagined my uncle Toby grieved for nothing in the whole affair so much as the
loss of his hobby horse Never mind brother Toby he would say by Gods
blessing we shall have another war break out again some of these days and when
it does the belligerent powers if they would hang themselves cannot keep us
out of play I defy em my dear Toby he would add to take countries
without taking towns or towns without sieges
My uncle Toby never took this backstroke of my fathers at his hobbyhorse
kindly He thought the stroke ungenerous and the more so because in
striking the horse he hit the rider too and in the most dishonourable part a
blow could fall so that upon these occasions he always laid down his pipe upon
the table with more fire to defend himself than common
I told the reader this time two years that my uncle Toby was not eloquent
and in the very same page gave an instance to the contrary I repeat the
observation and a fact which contradicts it again He was not eloquent it
was not easy to my uncle Toby to make long harangues and he hated florid
ones but there were occasions where the stream overflowed the man and ran so
counter to its usual course that in some parts my uncle Toby for a time was
at least equal to Tertullus but in others in my own opinion infinitely
above him
My father was so highly pleased with one of these apologetical orations of
my uncle Tobys which he had delivered one evening before him and Yorick that
he wrote it down before he went to bed
I have had the good fortune to meet with it amongst my fathers papers with
here and there an insertion of his own betwixt two crooks thus and is
endorsed
My brother TOBYS justification of his own principles and conduct in wishing to
continue the war
I may safely say I have read over this apologetical oration of my uncle Tobys
a hundred times and think it so fine a model of defence and shews so sweet
a temperament of gallantry and good principles in him that I give it the world
word for word interlineations and all as I find it
Chap XXXII
My uncle Tobys apologetical oration
I am not insensible brother Shandy that when a man whose profession is arms
wishes as I have done for war it has an ill aspect to the world and
that how just and right soever his motives and intentions may be he stands
in an uneasy posture in vindicating himself from private views in doing it
For this cause if a soldier is a prudent man which he may be without
being a jot the less brave he will be sure not to utter his wish in the hearing
of an enemy for say what he will an enemy will not believe him He will be
cautious of doing it even to a friend lest he may suffer in his esteem
But if his heart is overcharged and a secret sigh for arms must have its vent
he will reserve it for the ear of a brother who knows his character to the
bottom and what his true notions dispositions and principles of honour are
What I hope I have been in all these brother Shandy would be unbecoming in
me to say much worse I know have I been than I ought and something
worse perhaps than I think But such as I am you my dear brother Shandy who
have sucked the same breasts with me and with whom I have been brought up
from my cradle and from whose knowledge from the first hours of our boyish
pastimes down to this I have concealed no one action of my life and scarce a
thought in it Such as I am brother you must by this time know me with all
my vices and with all my weaknesses too whether of my age my temper my
passions or my understanding
Tell me then my dear brother Shandy upon which of them it is that when I
condemned the peace of Utrecht and grieved the war was not carried on with
vigour a little longer you should think your brother did it upon unworthy
views or that in wishing for war he should be bad enough to wish more of his
fellow creatures slain more slaves made and more families driven from their
peaceful habitations merely for his own pleasure Tell me brother Shandy
upon what one deed of mine do you ground it The devil a deed do I know of
dear TOBY but one for a hundred pounds which I lent thee to carry on these
cursed sieges
If when I was a schoolboy I could not hear a drum beat but my heart beat
with it was it my fault Did I plant the propensity there did I sound
the alarm within or Nature
When Guy Earl of Warwick and Parismus and Parismenus and Valentine and
Orson and the Seven Champions of England were handed around the school were
they not all purchased with my own pocket money Was that selfish brother
Shandy When we read over the siege of Troy which lasted ten years and eight
months though with such a train of artillery as we had at Namur the town
might have been carried in a week was I not as much concerned for the
destruction of the Greeks and Trojans as any boy of the whole school Had I not
three strokes of a ferula given me two on my right hand and one on my left for
calling Helena a bitch for it Did any one of you shed more tears for Hector
And when king Priam came to the camp to beg his body and returned weeping back
to Troy without it you know brother I could not eat my dinner
Did that bespeak me cruel Or because brother Shandy my blood flew out
into the camp and my heart panted for war was it a proof it could not ache
for the distresses of war too
O brother tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels and tis
another to scatter cypress Who told thee my dear Toby that cypress was
used by the ancients on mournful occasions
Tis one thing brother Shandy for a soldier to hazard his own life to
leap first down into the trench where he is sure to be cut in pieces Tis
one thing from public spirit and a thirst of glory to enter the breach the
first man to stand in the foremost rank and march bravely on with drums and
trumpets and colours flying about his ears Tis one thing I say brother
Shandy to do this and tis another thing to reflect on the miseries of war
to view the desolations of whole countries and consider the intolerable
fatigues and hardships which the soldier himself the instrument who works them
is forced for sixpence a day if he can get it to undergo
Need I be told dear Yorick as I was by you in Le Fevers funeral sermon
That so soft and gentle a creature born to love to mercy and kindness as man
is was not shaped for this But why did you not add Yorick if not by
NATURE that he is so by NECESSITY For what is war what is it Yorick
when fought as ours has been upon principles of liberty and upon principles of
honour what is it but the getting together of quiet and harmless people
with their swords in their hands to keep the ambitious and the turbulent within
bounds And heaven is my witness brother Shandy that the pleasure I have taken
in these things and that infinite delight in particular which has attended
my sieges in my bowling green has arose within me and I hope in the corporal
too from the consciousness we both had that in carrying them on we were
answering the great ends of our creation
Chap XXXIII
I told the Christian reader I say Christian hoping he is one and if he
is not I am sorry for it and only beg he will consider the matter with
himself and not lay the blame entirely upon this book
I told him Sir for in good truth when a man is telling a story in the
strange way I do mine he is obliged continually to be going backwards and
forwards to keep all tight together in the readers fancy which for my own
part if I did not take heed to do more than at first there is so much unfixed
and equivocal matter starting up with so many breaks and gaps in it and so
little service do the stars afford which nevertheless I hang up in some of
the darkest passages knowing that the world is apt to lose its way with all
the lights the sun itself at noon day can give it and now you see I am lost
myself
But tis my fathers fault and whenever my brains come to be dissected
you will perceive without spectacles that he has left a large uneven thread
as you sometimes see in an unsaleable piece of cambrick running along the whole
length of the web and so untowardly you cannot so much as cut out a here
I hang up a couple of lights again or a fillet or a thumbstall but it is
seen or felt
Quanto id diligentius in liberis procreandis cavendum sayeth Cardan All
which being considered and that you see tis morally impracticable for me to
wind this round to where I set out
I begin the chapter over again
Chap XXXIV
I Told the Christian reader in the beginning of the chapter which preceded my
uncle Tobys apologetical oration though in a different trope from what I
shall make use of now That the peace of Utrecht was within an ace of creating
the same shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and his hobbyhorse as it did betwixt
the queen and the rest of the confederating powers
There is an indignant way in which a man sometimes dismounts his horse
which as good as says to him »Ill go afoot Sir all the days of my life
before I would ride a single mile upon your back again« Now my uncle Toby could
not be said to dismount his horse in this manner for in strictness of language
he could not be said to dismount his horse at all his horse rather flung him
and somewhat viciously which made my uncle Toby take it ten times more
unkindly Let this matter be settled by state jockies as they like It
created I say a sort of shyness betwixt my uncle Toby and his hobbyhorse
He had no occasion for him from the month of March to November which was the
summer after the articles were signed except it was now and then to take a
short ride out just to see that the fortifications and harbour of Dunkirk were
demolished according to stipulation
The French were so backwards all that summer in setting about that affair
and Monsieur Tugghe the deputy from the magistrates of Dunkirk presented so
many affecting petitions to the queen beseeching her majesty to cause only
her thunderbolts to fall upon the martial works which might have incurred her
displeasure but to spare to spare the mole for the moles sake which in
its naked situation could be no more than an object of pity and the queen
who was but a woman being of a pitiful disposition and her ministers also
they not wishing in their hearts to have the town dismantled for these private
reasons
so that the whole went heavily on with my uncle Toby insomuch that it
was not within three full months after he and the corporal had constructed the
town and put it in a condition to be destroyed that the several commandants
commissaries deputies negotiators and intendants would permit him to set
about it Fatal interval of inactivity
The corporal was for beginning the demolition by making a breach in the
ramparts or main fortifications of the town No that will never do
corporal said my uncle Toby for in going that way to work with the town the
English garrison will not be safe in it an hour because if the French are
treacherous They are as treacherous as devils an please your honour said
the corporal It gives me concern always when I hear it Trim said my uncle
Toby for they dont want personal bravery and if a breach is made in the
ramparts they may enter it and make themselves masters of the place when they
please Let them enter it said the corporal lifting up his pioneers spade
in both his hands as if he was going to lay about him with it let them
enter an please your honour if they dare In cases like this corporal
said my uncle Toby slipping his right hand down to the middle of his cane and
holding it afterwards truncheonwise with his forefinger extended tis no
part of the consideration of a commandant what the enemy dare or what they
dare not do he must act with prudence We will begin with the outworks both
towards the sea and the land and particularly with fort Louis the most distant
of them all and demolish it first and the rest one by one both on our
right and left as we retreat towards the town then well demolish the mole
next fill up the harbour then retire into the citadel and blow it up into
the air and having done that corporal well embark for England We are
there quoth the corporal recollecting himself Very true said my uncle Toby
looking at the church
Chap XXXV
A delusive delicious consultation or two of this kind betwixt my uncle Toby
and Trim upon the demolition of Dunkirk for a moment rallied back the ideas
of those pleasures which were slipping from under him still still all
went on heavily the magic left the mind the weaker STILLNESS with SILENCE
at her back entered the solitary parlour and drew their gauzy mantle over my
uncle Tobys head and LISTLESSNESS with her lax fibre and undirected eye
sat quietly down beside him in his arm chair No longer Amberg and Rhinberg
and Limbourg and Huy and Bonn in one year and the prospect of Landen and
Trerebach and Drusen and Dendermond the next hurried on the blood No
longer did saps and mines and blinds and gabions and palisadoes keep out
this fair enemy of mans repose No more could my uncle Toby after passing
the French lines as he eat his egg at supper from thence break into the heart
of France cross over the Oyes and with all Picardie open behind him march
up to the gates of Paris and fall asleep with nothing but ideas of glory No
more was he to dream he had fixed the royal standard upon the tower of the
Bastile and awake with it streaming in his head
Softer visions gentler vibrations stole sweetly in upon his slumbers
the trumpet of war fell out of his hands he took up the lute sweet
instrument of all others the most delicate the most difficult how wilt
thou touch it my dear uncle Toby
Chap XXXVI
Now because I have once or twice said in my inconsiderate way of talking That
I was confident the following memoirs of my uncle Tobys courtship of widow
Wadman whenever I got time to write them would turn out one of the most
compleat systems both of the elementary and practical part of love and
lovemaking that ever was addressed to the world are you to imagine from
thence that I shall set out with a description of what love is whether part
God and part Devil as Plotinus will have it
Or by a more critical equation and supposing the whole of love to be as
ten to determine with Ficinus »How many parts of it the one and how
many the other« or whether it is all of it one great Devil from head to
tail as Plato has taken upon him to pronounce concerning which conceit of his
I shall not offer my opinion but my opinion of Plato is this that he
appears from this instance to have been a man of much the same temper and way
of reasoning with doctor Baynyard who being a great enemy to blisters as
imagining that half a dozen of em on at once would draw a man as surely to his
grave as a herse and six rashly concluded that the Devil himself was nothing
in the world but one great bouncing Cantharidis
I have nothing to say to people who allow themselves this monstrous liberty
in arguing but what Nazianzen cried out that is polemically to Philagrius
»Eyge« O rare tis fine reasoning Sir indeed »oti pilosopeis en
Patesi« and most nobly do you aim at truth when you philosophize about it in
your moods and passions
Nor is it to be imagined for the same reason I should stop to enquire
whether love is a disease or embroil myself with Rhasis and Dioscorides
whether the seat of it is in the brain or liver because this would lead me
on to an examination of the two very opposite manners in which patients have
been treated the one of Aoetius who always begun with a cooling glyster of
hempseed and bruised cucumbers and followed on with thin potations of snuff
of the herb Hanea and where Aoetius durst venture it his topazring
The other that of Gordonius who in his cap 15 de Amore directs they
should be thrashed »ad putorem usque« till they stink again
These are disquisitions which my father who had laid in a great stock of
knowledge of this kind will be very busy with in the progress of my uncle
Tobys affairs I must anticipate thus much That from his theories of love
with which by the way he contrived to crucify my uncle Tobys mind almost as
much as his amours themselves he took a single step into practice and by
means of a camphorated cerecloth which he found means to impose upon the taylor
for buckram whilst he was making my uncle Toby a new pair of breeches he
produced Gordoniuss effect upon my uncle Toby without the disgrace
What changes this produced will be read in its proper place all that is
needful to be added to the anecdote is this That whatever effect it had
upon my uncle Toby it had a vile effect upon the house and if my uncle
Toby had not smoaked it down as he did it might have had a vile effect upon my
father too
Chap XXXVII
Twill come out of itself by and bye All I contend for is that I am not
obliged to set out with a definition of what love is and so long as I can go on
with my story intelligibly with the help of the word itself without any other
idea to it than what I have in common with the rest of the world why should I
differ from it a moment before the time When I can get on no further and
find myself entangled on all sides of this mystick labyrinth my Opinion will
then come in in course and lead me out
At present I hope I shall be sufficiently understood in telling the
reader my uncle Toby fell in love
Not that the phrase is at all to my liking for to say a man is fallen in
love or that he is deeply in love or up to the ears in love and
sometimes even over head and ears in it carries an idiomatical kind of
implication that love is a thing below a man this is recurring again to
Platos opinion which with all his divinityship I hold to be damnable and
heretical and so much for that
Let love therefore be what it will my uncle Toby fell into it
And possibly gentle reader with such a temptation so wouldst thou
For never did thy eyes behold or thy concupiscence covet any thing in this
world more concupiscible than widow Wadman
Chap XXXVIII
To conceive this right call for pen and ink heres paper ready to your
hand Sit down Sir paint her to your own mind as like your mistress as
you can as unlike your wife as your conscience will let you tis all one to
me please but your own fancy in it
Blank page following
Was ever any thing in Nature so sweet so exquisite
Then dear Sir how could my uncle Toby resist it
Thrice happy book thou wilt have one page at least within thy covers
which MALICE will not blacken and which IGNORANCE cannot misrepresent
Chap XXXIX
As Susannah was informed by an express from Mrs Bridget of my uncle Tobys
falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened the
contents of which express Susannah communicated to my mother the next day it
has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle Tobys amours a
fortnight before their existence
I have an article of news to tell you Mr Shandy quoth my mother which
will surprise you greatly
Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice and was
musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony as my mother broke
silence
My brother Toby quoth she is going to be married to Mrs Wadman
Then he will never quoth my father be able to lie diagonally in his bed
again as long as he lives
It was a consuming vexation to my father that my mother never asked the
meaning of a thing she did not understand
That she is not a woman of science my father would say is her
misfortune but she might ask a question
My mother never did In short she went out of the world at last without
knowing whether it turned round or stood still My father had officiously
told her above a thousand times which way it was but she always forgot
For these reasons a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt them than
a proposition a reply and a rejoinder at the end of which it generally
took breath for a few minutes as in the affair of the breeches and then went
on again
If he marries twill be the worse for us quoth my mother
Not a cherrystone said my father he may as well batter away his means
upon that as any thing else
To be sure said my mother so here ended the proposition the reply
and the rejoinder I told you of
It will be some amusement to him too said my father
A very great one answered my mother if he should have children
Lord have mercy upon me said my father to himself
Chap XL
I am now beginning to get fairly into my work and by the help of a vegetable
diet with a few of the cold seeds I make no doubt but I shall be able to go on
with my uncle Tobys story and my own in a tolerable straight line Now
These were the four lines I moved in through my first second third and fourth
volumes In the fifth volume I have been very good the precise line I
have described in it being this
By which it appears that except at the curve marked A where I took a trip to
Navarre and the indented curve B which is the short airing when I was there
with the lady Baussiere and her page I have not taken the least frisk of a
digression till John de la Casses devils led me the round you see marked D
for as for c c c c c they are nothing but parentheses and the common ins and
outs incident to the lives of the greatest ministers of state and when compared
with what men have done or with my own transgressions at the letters A B D
they vanish into nothing
In this last volume I have done better still for from the end of Le Fever
s episode to the beginning of my uncle Tobys campaigns I have scarce
stepped a yard out of my way
If I mend at this rate it is not impossible by the good leave of his
grace of Beneventos devils but I may arrive hereafter at the excellency of
going on even thus
which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it by a writingmasters
ruler borrowed for that purpose turning neither to the right hand or to the
left
This right line the pathway for Christians to walk in say divines
The emblem of moral rectitude says Cicero
The best line say cabbageplanters is the shortest line says
Archimedes which can be drawn from one given point to another
I wish your ladyships would lay this matter to heart in your next birthday
suits
What a journey
Pray can you tell me that is without anger before I write my chapter
upon straight lines by what mistake who told them so or how it has come
to pass that your men of wit and genius have all along confounded this line
with the line of GRAVITATION
End of the Sixth Volume
Volume VII
Non enim excursus hic ejus sed opus ipsum est
Plin Lib quintus Epistola sexta
Chap I
No I think I said I would write two volumes every year provided the vile
cough which then tormented me and which to this hour I dread worse than the
devil would but give me leave and in another place but where I cant
recollect now speaking of my book as a machine and laying my pen and ruler
down crosswise upon the table in order to gain the greater credit to it I
swore it should be kept a going at that rate these forty years if it pleased but
the fountain of life to bless me so long with health and good spirits
Now as for my spirits little have I to lay to their charge nay so very
little unless the mounting me upon a long stick and playing the fool with me
nineteen hours out of the twentyfour be accusations that on the contrary I
have much much to thank em for cheerily have ye made me tread the path of
life with all the burdens of it except its cares upon my back in no one
moment of my existence that I remember have ye once deserted me or tinged the
objects which came in my way either with sable or with a sickly green in
dangers ye gilded my horizon with hope and when DEATH himself knocked at my
door ye bad him come again and in so gay a tone of careless indifference did
ye do it that he doubted of his commission
»There must certainly be some mistake in this matter« quoth he
Now there is nothing in this world I abominate worse than to be interrupted
in a story and I was that moment telling Eugenius a most tawdry one in my
way of a nun who fancied herself a shellfish and of a monk damnd for eating
a muscle and was shewing him the grounds and justice of the procedure
» Did ever so grave a personage get into so vile a scrape« quoth Death
Thou hast had a narrow escape Tristram said Eugenius taking hold of my hand
as I finishd my story
But there is no living Eugenius replied I at this rate for as this son
of a whore has found out my lodgings
You call him rightly said Eugenius for by sin we are told he enterd
the world I care not which way he enterd quoth I provided he be not in
such a hurry to take me out with him for I have forty volumes to write and
forty thousand things to say and do which no body in the world will say and do
for me except thyself and as thou seest he has got me by the throat for
Eugenius could scarce hear me speak across the table and that I am no match for
him in the open field had I not better whilst these few scatterd spirits
remain and these two spider legs of mine holding one of them up to him are
able to support me had I not better Eugenius fly for my life Tis my
advice my dear Tristram said Eugenius Then by heaven I will lead him a
dance he little thinks of for I will gallop quoth I without looking once
behind me to the banks of the Garonne and if I hear him clattering at my heels
Ill scamper away to mount Vesuvius from thence to Joppa and from Joppa
to the worlds end where if he follows me I pray God he may break his neck
He runs more risk there said Eugenius than thou Eugeniuss wit and
affection brought blood into the cheek from whence it had been some months
banishd twas a vile moment to bid adieu in he led me to my chaise
Allons said I the post boy gave a crack with his whip off I went like a
cannon and in half a dozen bounds got into Dover
Chap II
Now hang it quoth I as I lookd towards the French coast a man should know
something of his own country too before he goes abroad and I never gave a
peep into Rochester church or took notice of the dock of Chatham or visited
St Thomas at Canterbury though they all three laid in my way
But mine indeed is a particular case
So without arguing the matter further with Thomas oBecket or any one else
I skipd into the boat and in five minutes we got under sail and scudded away
like the wind
Pray captain quoth I as I was going down into the cabin is a man never
overtaken by Death in this passage
Why there is not time for a man to be sick in it replied he What a
cursed lyar for I am sick as a horse quoth I already what a brain
upside down hey dey the cells are broke loose one into another and the
blood and the lymph and the nervous juices with the fixd and volatile salts
are all jumbled into one mass good g every thing turns round in it like a
thousand whirlpools Id give a shilling to know if I shant write the clearer
for it
Sick sick sick sick
When shall we get to land captain they have hearts like stones O I
am deadly sick reach me that thing boy tis the most discomfiting
sickness I wish I was at the bottom Madam how is it with you Undone
undone un O undone sir What the first time No tis the second
third sixth tenth time sir heyday what a trampling over head hollo
cabin boy whats the matter
The wind choppd about sDeath then I shall meet him full in the face
What luck tis choppd about again master O the devil chop it
Captain quoth she for heavens sake let us get ashore
Chap III
It is a great inconvenience to a man in a haste that there are three distinct
roads between Calais and Paris in behalf of which there is so much to be said
by the several deputies from the towns which lie along them that half a day is
easily lost in settling which youll take
First the road by Lisle and Arras which is the most about but most
interesting and instructing
The second that by Amiens which you may go if you would see Chantilly
And that by Beauvais which you may go if you will
For this reason a great many chuse to go by Beauvais
Chap IV
»Now before I quit Calais« a travelwriter would say »it would not be amiss to
give some account of it« Now I think it very much amiss that a man cannot
go quietly through a town and let it alone when it does not meddle with him
but that he must be turning about and drawing his pen at every kennel he crosses
over merely o my conscience for the sake of drawing it because if we may
judge from what has been wrote of these things by all who have wrote and
gallopd or who have gallopd and wrote which is a different way still or
who for more expedition than the rest have wrotegalloping which is the way I
do at present from the great Addison who did it with his satchel of
schoolbooks hanging at his a and galling his beasts crupper at every stroke
there is not a galloper of us all who might not have gone on ambling quietly
in his own ground in case he had any and have wrote all he had to write dry
shod as well as not
For my own part as heaven is my judge and to which I shall ever make my
last appeal I know no more of Calais except the little my barber told me of
it as he was whetting his razor than I do this moment of Grand Cairo for it
was dusky in the evening when I landed and dark as pitch in the morning when I
set out and yet by merely knowing what is what and by drawing this from that
in one part of the town and by spelling and putting this and that together in
another I would lay any travelling odds that I this moment write a chapter
upon Calais as long as my arm and with so distinct and satisfactory a detail of
every item which is worth a strangers curiosity in the town that you would
take me for the town clerk of Calais itself and where Sir would be the
wonder was not Democritus who laughed ten times more than I townclerk of
Abdera and was not I forget his name who had more discretion than us both
townclerk of Ephesus it should be pennd moreover Sir with so much
knowledge and good sense and truth and precision
Nay if you dont believe me you may read the chapter for your pains
Chap V
Calais Calatium Calusium Calesium
This town if we may trust its archives the authority of which I see no
reason to call in question in this place was once no more than a small village
belonging to one of the first Counts de Guines and as it boasts at present of
no less than fourteen thousand inhabitants exclusive of four hundred and twenty
distinct families in the basse ville or suburbs it must have grown up by
little and little I suppose to its present size
Though there are four convents there is but one parochial church in the
whole town I had not an opportunity of taking its exact dimensions but it is
pretty easy to make a tolerable conjecture of em for as there are fourteen
thousand inhabitants in the town if the church holds them all it must be
considerably large and if it will not tis a very great pity they have not
another it is built in form of a cross and dedicated to the Virgin Mary the
steeple which has a spire to it is placed in the middle of the church and
stands upon four pillars elegant and light enough but sufficiently strong at
the same time it is decorated with eleven altars most of which are rather
fine than beautiful The great altar is a masterpiece in its kind tis of white
marble and as I was told near sixty feet high had it been much higher it had
been as high as mount Calvary itself therefore I suppose it must be high
enough in all conscience
There was nothing struck me more than the great Square tho I cannot say
tis either well paved or well built but tis in the heart of the town and
most of the streets especially those in that quarter all terminate in it
could there have been a fountain in all Calais which it seems there cannot as
such an object would have been a great ornament it is not to be doubted but
that the inhabitants would have had it in the very centre of this square not
that it is properly a square because tis forty feet longer from east to
west than from north to south so that the French in general have more reason
on their side in calling them Places than Squares which strictly speaking to
be sure they are not
The townhouse seems to be but a sorry building and not to be kept in the
best repair otherwise it had been a second great ornament to this place it
answers however its destination and serves very well for the reception of the
magistrates who assemble in it from time to time so that tis presumable
justice is regularly distributed
I had heard much of it but there is nothing at all curious in the Courgain
tis a distinct quarter of the town inhabited solely by sailors and fishermen
it consists of a number of small streets neatly built and mostly of brick tis
extremely populous but as that may be accounted for from the principles of
their diet there is nothing curious in that neither A traveller may see
it to satisfy himself he must not omit however taking notice of La Tour de
Guet upon any account tis so called from its particular destination because
in war it serves to discover and give notice of the enemies which approach the
place either by sea or land but tis monstrous high and catches the eye so
continually you cannot avoid taking notice of it if you would
It was a singular disappointment to me that I could not have permission to
take an exact survey of the fortifications which are the strongest in the
world and which from first to last that is from the time they were set about
by Philip of France Count of Bologne to the present war wherein many
reparations were made have cost as I learned afterwards from an engineer in
Gascony above a hundred millions of livres It is very remarkable that at the
Tête de Gravelenes and where the town is naturally the weakest they have
expended the most money so that the outworks stretch a great way into the
campaign and consequently occupy a large tract of ground However after all
that is said and done it must be acknowledged that Calais was never upon any
account so considerable from itself as from its situation and that easy
enterance which it gave our ancestors upon all occasions into France it was not
without its inconveniences also being no less troublesome to the English in
those times than Dunkirk has been to us in ours so that it was deservedly
looked upon as the key to both kingdoms which no doubt is the reason that there
have arisen so many contentions who should keep it of these the siege of
Calais or rather the blockade for it was shut up both by land and sea was the
most memorable as it withstood the efforts of Edward the third a whole year
and was not terminated at last but by famine and extream misery the gallantry
of Eustace de St Pierre who first offered himself a victim for his fellow
citizens has rankd his name with heroes As it will not take up above fifty
pages it would be injustice to the reader not to give him a minute account of
that romantic transaction as well as of the siege itself in Rapins own words
Chap VI
But courage gentle reader I scorn it tis enough to have thee in my
power but to make use of the advantage which the fortune of the pen has now
gained over thee would be too much No by that all powerful fire which
warms the visionary brain and lights the spirits through unworldly tracts ere
I would force a helpless creature upon this hard service and make thee pay
poor soul for fifty pages which I have no right to see thee naked as I am I
would browse upon the mountains and smile that the north wind brought me
neither my tent or my supper
So put on my brave boy and make the best of thy way to Boulogne
Chap VII
Boulogne hah so we are all got together debtors and sinners before
heaven a jolly set of us but I cant stay and quaff it off with you Im
pursued myself like a hundred devils and shall be overtaken before I can well
change horses for heavens sake make haste Tis for high treason quoth
a very little man whispering as low as he could to a very tall man that stood
next him Or else for murder quoth the tall man Well thrown SizeAce
quoth I No quoth a third the gentleman has been committing
Ah ma chere fille said I as she trippd by from her matins you look as
rosy as the morning for the sun was rising and it made the compliment the more
gracious No it cant be that quoth a fourth she made a curtsy to me
I kissd my hand tis debt continued he Tis certainly for debt quoth a
fifth I would not pay that gentlemans debts quoth Ace for a thousand pounds
Nor would I quoth Size for six times the sum Well thrown SizeAce again
quoth I but I have no debt but the debt of NATURE and I want but patience of
her and I will pay her every farthing I owe her How can you be so
hardhearted MADAM to arrest a poor traveller going along without molestation
to any one upon his lawful occasions do stop that deathlooking longstriding
scoundrel of a scaresinner who is posting after me he never would have
followed me but for you if it be but for a stage or two just to give me
start of him I beseech you madam do dear lady
Now in troth tis a great pity quoth mine Irish host that all this
good courtship should be lost for the young gentlewoman has been after going
out of hearing of it all along
Simpleton quoth I
So you have nothing else in Boulogne worth seeing
By Jasus there is the finest SEMINARY for the HUMANITIES
There cannot be a finer quoth I
Chap VIII
When the precipitancy of a mans wishes hurries on his ideas ninety times faster
than the vehicles he rides in woe be to truth and woe be to the vehicle and
its tackling let em be made of what stuff you will upon which he breathes
forth the disappointment of his soul
As I never give general characters either of men or things in choler »the
most haste the worst speed« was all the reflection I made upon the affair the
first time it happend the second third fourth and fifth time I confined
it respectively to those times and accordingly blamed only the second third
fourth and fifth postboy for it without carrying my reflections further but
the event continuing to befall me from the fifth to the sixth seventh eighth
ninth and tenth time and without one exception I then could not avoid making
a national reflection of it which I do in these words
That something is always wrong in a French postchaise upon first setting
out
Or the proposition may stand thus
A French postilion has always to alight before he has got three hundred
yards out of town
Whats wrong now Diable a ropes broke a knot has slipt a
staples drawn a bolts to whittle a tag a rag a jag a strap a
buckle or a buckles tongue want altering
Now true as all this is I never think myself impowerd to excommunicate
thereupon either the postchaise or its driver nor do I take it into my head
to swear by the living G I would rather go a foot ten thousand times or
that I will be damnd if ever I get into another but I take the matter coolly
before me and consider that some tag or rag or jag or bolt or buckle or
buckles tongue will ever be a wanting or want altering travel where I will
so I never chaff but take the good and the bad as they fall in my road and
get on Do so my lad said I he had lost five minutes already in alighting
in order to get at a luncheon of black bread which he had crammd into the
chaisepocket and was remounted and going leisurely on to relish it the better
Get on my lad said I briskly but in the most persuasive tone imaginable
for I jingled a four and twenty sous piece against the glass taking care to
hold the flat side towards him as he lookd back the dog grinnd intelligence
from his right ear to his left and behind his sooty muzzle discoverd such a
pearly row of teeth that Sovereignty would have pawnd her jewels for them
Just heaven
What masticators
What bread
and so as he finishd the last mouthful of it we enterd the town of
Montreuil
Chap IX
There is not a town in all France which in my opinion looks better in the map
than MONTREUIL I own it does not look so well in the book of post roads
but when you come to see it to be sure it looks most pitifully
There is one thing however in it at present very handsome and that is the
innkeepers daughter She has been eighteen months at Amiens and six at Paris
in going through her classes so knits and sews and dances and does the
little coquetries very well
A slut in running them over within these five minutes that I have stood
looking at her she has let fall at least a dozen loops in a white thread
stocking Yes yes I see you cunning gipsy tis long and taper you
need not pin it to your knee and that tis your own and fits you exactly
That Nature should have told this creature a word about a statues thumb
But as this sample is worth all their thumbs besides I have her thumbs
and fingers in at the bargain if they can be any guide to me and as Janatone
withal for that is her name stands so well for a drawing may I never draw
more or rather may I draw like a draughthorse by main strength all the days
of my life if I do not draw her in all her proportions and with as
determind a pencil as if I had her in the wettest drapery
But your worships chuse rather that I give you the length breadth and
perpendicular height of the great parish church or a drawing of the fascade of
the abbey of Saint Austreberte which has been transported from Artois hither
every thing is just I suppose as the masons and carpenters left them and if
the belief in Christ continues so long will be so these fifty years to come
so your worships and reverences may all measure them at your leisures but he
who measures thee Janatone must do it now thou carriest the principles of
change within thy frame and considering the chances of a transitory life I
would not answer for thee a moment eer twice twelve months are passd and
gone thou mayest grow out like a pumkin and lose thy shapes or thou mayest
go off like a flower and lose thy beauty nay thou mayest go off like a
hussy and lose thyself I would not answer for my aunt Dinah was she alive
faith scarce for her picture were it but painted by Reynolds
But if I go on with my drawing after naming that son of Apollo Ill be
shot
So you must een be content with the original which if the evening is fine
in passing thro Montreuil you will see at your chaise door as you change
horses but unless you have as bad a reason for haste as I have you had better
stop She has a little of the devote but that Sir is a terce to a nine in
your favour
L help me I could not count a single point so had been piqued and
repiqued and capotted to the devil
Chap X
All which being considered and that Death moreover might be much nearer me than
I imagined I wish I was at Abbeville quoth I were it only to see how they
card and spin so off we set
27de Montreuil a Nampontposte et demi
de Nampont a Bernay poste
de Bernay a Nouvion poste
de Nouvion a ABBEVILLE poste
but the carders and spinners were all gone to bed
Chap XI
What a vast advantage is travelling only it heats one but there is a remedy
for that which you may pick out of the next chapter
Chap XII
Was I in a condition to stipulate with death as I am this moment with my
apothecary how and where I will take his glister I should certainly declare
against submitting to it before my friends and therefore I never seriously
think upon the mode and manner of this great catastrophe which generally takes
up and torments my thoughts as much as the catastrophe itself but I constantly
draw the curtain across it with this wish that the Disposer of all things may
so order it that it happen not to me in my own house but rather in some
decent inn at home I know it the concern of my friends and the last
services of wiping my brows and smoothing my pillow which the quivering hand of
pale affection shall pay me will so crucify my soul that I shall die of a
distemper which my physician is not aware of but in an inn the few cold
offices I wanted would be purchased with a few guineas and paid me with an
undisturbed but punctual attention but mark This inn should not be the inn
at Abbeville if there was not another inn in the universe I would strike
that inn out of the capitulation so
Let the horses be in the chaise exactly by four in the morning Yes by
four Sir or by Genevieve Ill raise a clatter in the house shall wake the
dead
Chap XIII
»Make them like unto a wheel« is a bitter sarcasm as all the learned know
against the grand tour and that restless spirit for making it which David
prophetically foresaw would haunt the children of men in the latter days and
therefore as thinketh the great bishop Hall tis one of the severest
imprecations which David ever utterd against the enemies of the Lord and as
if he had said »I wish them no worse luck than always to be rolling about« So
much motion continues he for he was very corpulent is so much unquietness
and so much of rest by the same analogy is so much of heaven
Now I being very thin think differently and that so much of motion is
so much of life and so much of joy and that to stand still or get on but
slowly is death and the devil
Hollo Ho the whole worlds asleep bring out the horses grease
the wheels tie on the mail and drive a nail into that moulding Ill not
lose a moment
Now the wheel we are talking of and whereinto but not whereonto for that
would make an Ixions wheel of it he curseth his enemies according to the
bishops habit of body should certainly be a post wheel whether they were set
up in Palestine at that time or not and my wheel for the contrary reasons
must as certainly be a cartwheel groaning round its revolution once in an age
and of which sort were I to turn commentator I should make no scruple to
affirm they had great store in that hilly country
I love the Pythagoreans much more than ever I dare tell my dear Jenny for
their »xorismoy apo toy Somatos eis to Kalos pilosopein« their »getting
out of the body in order to think well« No man thinks right whilst he is in
it blinded as he must be with his congenial humours and drawn differently
aside as the bishop and myself have been with too lax or too tense a fibre
REASON is half of it SENSE and the measure of heaven itself is but the
measure of our present appetites and concoctions
But which of the two in the present case do you think to be mostly in
the wrong
You certainly quoth she to disturb a whole family so early
Chap XIV
But she did not know I was under a vow not to shave my beard till I got to
Paris yet I hate to make mysteries of nothing tis the cold cautiousness
of one of those little souls from which Lessius lib 13 de moribus divinis
cap 24 hath made his estimate wherein he setteth forth That one Dutch mile
cubically multiplied will allow room enough and to spare for eight hundred
thousand millions which he supposes to be as great a number of souls counting
from the fall of Adam as can possibly be damnd to the end of the world
From what he has made this second estimate unless from the parental
goodness of God I dont know I am much more at a loss what could be in
Franciscus Ribberas head who pretends that no less a space than one of two
hundred Italian miles multiplied into itself will be sufficient to hold the
like number he certainly must have gone upon some of the old Roman souls of
which he had read without reflecting how much by a gradual and most tabid
decline in a course of eighteen hundred years they must unavoidably have
shrunk so as to have come when he wrote almost to nothing
In Lessiuss time who seems the cooler man they were as little as can be
imagined
We find them less now
And next winter we shall find them less again so that if we go on from
little to less and from less to nothing I hesitate not one moment to affirm
that in half a century at this rate we shall have no souls at all which being
the period beyond which I doubt likewise of the existence of the Christian
faith twill be one advantage that both of em will be exactly worn out
together
Blessed Jupiter and blessed every other heathen god and goddess for now ye
will all come into play again and with Priapus at your tails what jovial
times but where am I and into what a delicious riot of things am I rushing
I I who must be cut short in the midst of my days and taste no more of em
than what I borrow from my imagination peace to thee generous fool and let
me go on
Chap XV
»So hating I say to make mysteries of nothing« I intrusted it with the
postboy as soon as ever I got off the stones he gave a crack with his whip to
balance the compliment and with the thillhorse trotting and a sort of an up
and a down of the other we danced it along to Ailly au clochers famed in days
of yore for the finest chimes in the world but we danced through it without
music the chimes being greatly out of order as in truth they were through
all France
And so making all possible speed from
Ailly au clochers I got to Hixcourt
from Hixcourt I got to Pequignay and
from Pequignay I got to AMIENS
concerning which town I have nothing to inform you but what I have informed you
once before and that was that Janatone went there to school
Chap XVI
In the whole catalogue of those whiffling vexations which come puffing across a
mans canvas there is not one of a more teasing and tormenting nature than
this particular one which I am going to describe and for which unless you
travel with an avancecourier which numbers do in order to prevent it there
is no help and it is this
That be you in never so kindly a propensity to sleep tho you are passing
perhaps through the finest country upon the best roads and in the easiest
carriage for doing it in the world nay was you sure you could sleep fifty
miles straight forwards without once opening your eyes nay what is more was
you as demonstratively satisfied as you can be of any truth in Euclid that you
should upon all accounts be full as well asleep as awake nay perhaps better
Yet the incessant returns of paying for the horses at every stage with
the necessity thereupon of putting your hand into your pocket and counting out
from thence three livres fifteen sous sous by sous puts an end to so much of
the project that you cannot execute above six miles of it or supposing it is a
post and half that is but nine were it to save your soul from destruction
Ill be even with em quoth I for Ill put the precise sum into a piece
of paper and hold it ready in my hand all the way »Now I shall have nothing to
do« said I composing myself to rest »but to drop this gently into the
postboys hat and not say a word« Then there wants two sous more to drink
or there is a twelve sous piece of Louis XIV which will not pass or a
livre and some odd liards to be brought over from the last stage which Monsieur
had forgot which altercations as a man cannot dispute very well asleep rouse
him still is sweet sleep retrievable and still might the flesh weigh down the
spirit and recover itself of these blows but then by heaven you have paid
but for a single post whereas tis a post and a half and this obliges you to
pull out your book of postroads the print of which is so very small it forces
you to open your eyes whether you will or no then Monsieur le Curè offers you
a pinch of snuff or a poor soldier shews you his leg or a shaveling his
box or the priestesse of the cistern will water your wheels they do not
want it but she swears by her priesthood throwing it back that they do
then you have all these points to argue or consider over in your mind in doing
of which the rational powers get so thoroughly awakened you may get em to
sleep again as you can
It was entirely owing to one of these misfortunes or I had passd clean by
the stables of Chantilly
But the postillion first affirming and then persisting in it to my face
that there was no mark upon the two sous piece I opend my eyes to be convinced
and seeing the mark upon it as plain as my nose I leapd out of the chaise
in a passion and so saw everything at Chantilly in spite I tried it but for
three posts and a half but believe tis the best principle in the world to
travel speedily upon for as few objects look very inviting in that mood you
have little or nothing to stop you by which means it was that I passd through
St Dennis without turning my head so much as on side towards the Abby
Richness of their treasury stuff and nonsense bating their jewels
which are all false I would not give three sous for any one thing in it but
Jaidass lantern nor for that either only as it grows dark it might be of
use
Chap XVII
Crack crack crack crack crack crack so this is Paris quoth I
continuing in the same mood and this is Paris humph Paris cried I
repeating the name the third time
The first the finest the most brilliant
The streets however are nasty
But it looks I suppose better than it smells crack crack crack
crack What a fuss thou makest as if it concernd the good people to be
informd That a man with pale face and clad in black had the honour to be
driven into Paris at nine oclock at night by a postillion in a tawny yellow
jerkin turned up with red calamanco crack crack crack crack crack
crack I wish thy whip
But tis the spirit of thy nation so crack crack on
Ha and no one gives the wall but in the SCHOOL of URBANITY herself
if the walls are besht how can you do otherwise
And prithee when do they light the lamps What never in the summer
months Ho tis the time of sallads O rare sallad and soup soup and
sallad sallad and soup encore
Tis too much for sinners
Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it how can that unconscionable coachman
talk so much bawdy to that lean horse dont you see friend the streets are so
villainously narrow that there is not room in all Paris to turn a wheelbarrow
In the grandest city of the whole world it would not have been amiss if they
had been left a thought wider nay were it only so much in every single street
as that a man might know was it only for satisfaction on which side of it he
was walking
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten Ten
cooks shops and twice the number of barbers and all within three minutes
driving one would think that all the cooks in the world on some great
merrymeeting with the barbers by joint consent had said Come let us all go
live at Paris the French love good eating they are all gourmands we shall
rank high if their god is their belly their cooks must be gentlemen and
forasmuch as the periwig maketh the man and the periwigmaker maketh the
periwig ergo would the barbers say we shall rank higher still we shall be
above you all we shall be28 Capitouls at least pardi we shall all wear
swords
And so one would swear that is by candlelight but there is no
depending upon it they continue to do to this day
Chap XVIII
The French are certainly misunderstood but whether the fault is theirs in
not sufficiently explaining themselves or speaking with that exact limitation
and precision which one would expect on a point of such importance and which
moreover is so likely to be contested by us or whether the fault may not be
altogether on our side in not understanding their language always so critically
as to know »what they would be at« I shall not decide but tis evident to
me when they affirm »That they who have seen Paris have seen every thing«
they must mean to speak of those who have seen it by daylight
As for candlelight I give it up I have said before there was no
depending upon it and I repeat it again but not because the lights and shades
are too sharp or the tints confounded or that there is neither beauty or
keeping etc for thats not truth but it is an uncertain light in this
respect That in all the five hundred grand Hôtels which they number up to you
in Paris and the five hundred good things at a modest computation for tis
only allowing one good thing to a Hôtel which by candlelight are best to be
seen felt heard and understood which by the bye is a quotation from Lilly
the devil a one of us out of fifty can get our heads fairly thrust in
amongst them
This is no part of the French computation tis simply this
That by the last survey taken in the year one thousand seven hundred and
sixteen since which time there have been considerable augmentations Paris doth
contain nine hundred streets viz
In the quarter called the City there are fifty three streets
In St James of the Shambles fifty five streets
In St Oportune thirty four streets
In the quarter of the Louvre twenty five streets
In the Palace Royal or St Honorius forty nine streets
In Mont Martyr forty one streets
In St Eustace twenty nine streets
In the Halles twenty seven streets
In St Dennis fifty five streets
In St Martin fifty four streets
In St Paul or the Mortellerie twenty seven streets
The Greve thirty eight streets
In St Avoy or the Verrerie nineteen streets
In the Marais or the Temple fifty two streets
In St Antonys sixty eight streets
In the Place Maubert eighty one streets
In St Bennet sixty streets
In St Andrews de Arcs fifty one streets
In the quarter of the Luxembourg sixty two streets
And in that of St Germain fifty five streets into any of which you may
walk and that when you have seen them with all that belongs to them fairly by
daylight their gates their bridges their squares their statues and
have crusaded it moreover through all their parish churches by no means
omitting St Roche and Sulpice and to crown all have taken a walk to the
four palaces which you may see either with or without the statues and pictures
just as you chuse
Then you will have seen
but tis what no one needeth to tell you for you will read it yourself
upon the portico of the Louvre in these words
EARTH29 NO SUCH FOLKS NO FOLKS EER SUCH A TOWN
AS PARIS IS SING DERRY DERRY DOWN
The French have a gay way of treating every thing that is Great and that is
all can be said upon it
Chap XIX
In mentioning the word gay as in the close of the last chapter it puts one
ie an author in mind of the word spleen especially if he has any thing to
say upon it not that by any analysis or that from any table of interest or
genealogy there appears much more ground of alliance betwixt them than betwixt
light and darkness or any two of the most unfriendly opposites in nature
only tis an undercraft of authors to keep up a good understanding amongst
words as politicians do amongst men not knowing how near they may be under a
necessity of placing them to each other which point being now gaind and that
I may place mine exactly to my mind I write it down here
Spleen
This upon leaving Chantilly I declared to be the best principle in the world
to travel speedily upon but I gave it only as matter of opinion I still
continue in the same sentiments only I had not then experience enough of its
working to add this that though you do get on at a tearing rate yet you get on
but uneasily to yourself at the same time for which reason I here quit it
entirely and for ever and tis heartily at ones service it has spoiled me
the digestion of a good supper and brought on a bilious diarrhæa which has
brought me back again to my first principle on which I set out and with which
I shall now scamper it away to the banks of the Garonne
No I cannot stop a moment to give you the character of the people
their genius their manners their customs their laws their religion
their government their manufactures their commerce their finances with
all the resources and hidden springs which sustain them qualified as I may be
by spending three days and two nights amongst them and during all that time
making these things the entire subject of my enquiries and reflections
Still still I must away the roads are paved the posts are short the
days are long tis no more than noon I shall be at Fontainbleau before the
king
Was he going there not that I know
Chap XX
Now I hate to hear a person especially if he be a traveller complain that we
do not get on so fast in France as we do in England whereas we get on much
faster consideratis considerandis thereby always meaning that if you weigh
their vehicles with the mountains of baggage which you lay both before and
behind upon them and then consider their puny horses with the very little
they give them tis a wonder they get on at all their suffering is most
unchristian and tis evident thereupon to me that a French posthorse would
not know what in the world to do was it not for the two words and
in which there is asmuch sustenance as if you gave him a peck of
corn now as these words cost nothing I long from my soul to tell the reader
what they are but here is the question they must be told him plainly and
with most distinct articulation or it will answer no end and yet to do it in
that plain way though their reverences may laugh at it in the bedchamber
full well I wot they will abuse it in the parlour for which cause I have been
volving and revolving in my fancy some time but to no purpose by what clean
device or facete contrivance I might so modulate them that whilst I satisfy
that ear which the reader chuses to lend me I might not dissatisfy the other
which he keeps to himself
My ink burns my finger to try and when I hav twill have a worse
consequence it will burn I fear my paper
No I dare not
But if you wish to know how the abbess of Andoüillets and a novice of her
convent got over the difficulty only first wishing myself all imaginable
success Ill tell you without the least scruple
Chap XXI
The abbess of Andoüillets which if you look into the large set of provincial
maps now publishing at Paris you will find situated amongst the hills which
divide Burgundy from Savoy being in danger of an Anchylosis or stiff joint the
sinovia of her knee becoming hard by long matins and having tried every remedy
first prayers and thanksgiving then invocations to all the saints in heaven
promiscuously then particularly to every saint who had ever had a stiff leg
before her then touching it with all the reliques of the convent principally
with the thighbone of the man of Lystra who had been impotent from his youth
then wrapping it up in her veil when she went to bed then crosswise her
rosary then bringing in to her aid the secular arm and anointing it with
oils and hot fat of animals then treating it with emollient and resolving
fomentations then with poultices of marshmallows mallows bonus Henricus
white lillies and fenugreek then taking the woods I mean the smoak of em
holding her scapulary across her lap then decoctions of wild chicory water
cresses chervil sweet cecily and cochlearia and nothing all this while
answering was prevailed on at last to try the hot baths of Bourbon so having
first obtaind leave of the visitorgeneral to take care of her existence she
ordered all to be got ready for her journey a novice of the convent of about
seventeen who had been troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger by
sticking it constantly into the abbesss cast poultices etc had gained such
an interest that overlooking a sciatical old nun who might have been set up
for ever by the hot baths of Bourbon Margarita the little novice was elected
as the companion of the journey
An old calesh belonging to the abbess lined with green frize was ordered
to be drawn out into the sun the gardener of the convent being chosen
muleteer led out the two old mules to clip the hair from the rumpends of their
tails whilst a couple of laysisters were busied the one in darning the
lining and the other in sewing on the shreds of yellow binding which the teeth
of time had unravelled the undergardener dressd the muleteers hat in hot
winelees and a taylor sat musically at it in a shed over against the
convent in assorting four dozen of bells for the harness whistling to each
bell as he tied it on with a thong
The carpenter and the smith of Andoüillets held a council of wheels and
by seven the morning after all lookd spruce and was ready at the gate of the
convent for the hotbaths of Bourbon two rows of the unfortunate stood ready
there an hour before
The abbess of Andoüillets supported by Margarita the novice advanced
slowly to the calesh both clad in white with their black rosaries hanging at
their breasts
There was a simple solemnity in the contrast they entered the calesh
the nuns in the same uniform sweet emblem of innocence each occupied a window
and as the abbess and Margarita lookd up each the sciatical poor nun
excepted each streamd out the end of her veil in the air then kissd the
lily hand which let it go the good abbess and Margarita laid their hands
saintwise upon their breasts lookd up to heaven then to them and lookd
»God bless you dear sisters«
I declare I am interested in this story and wish I had been there
The gardener who I shall now call the muleteer was a little hearty
broadset good natured chattering toping kind of a fellow who troubled his
head very little with the hows and whens of life so had mortgaged a month of
his conventical wages in a borrachio or leathern cask of wine which he had
disposed behind the calesh with a large russet coloured riding coat over it to
guard it from the sun and as the weather was hot and he not a niggard of his
labours walking ten times more than he rode he found more occasions than
those of nature to fall back to the rear of his carriage till by frequent
coming and going it had so happend that all his wine had leakd out at the
legal vent of the borrachio before one half of the journey was finishd
Man is a creature born to habitudes The day had been sultry the evening
was delicious the wine was generous the Burgundian hill on which it grew was
steep a little tempting bush over the door of a cool cottage at the foot of
it hung vibrating in full harmony with the passions a gentle air rustled
distinctly through the leaves »Come come thirsty muleteer come in«
The muleteer was a son of Adam I need not say one word more He gave the
mules each of em a sound lash and looking in the abbesss and Margaritas
faces as he did it as much as to say here I am he gave a second good
crack as much as to say to his mules get on so slinking behind he enterd
the little inn at the foot of the hill
The muleteer as I told you was a little joyous chirping fellow who
thought not of tomorrow nor of what had gone before or what was to follow it
provided he got but his scantling of Burgundy and a little chitchat along with
it so entering into a long conversation as how he was chief gardener to the
convent of Andoüillets etc etc and out of friendship for the abbess and
Mademoiselle Margarita who was only in her noviciate he had come along with
them from the confines of Savoy etc etc and as how she had got a white
swelling by her devotions and what a nation of herbs he had procured to
mollify her humours etc etc and that if the waters of Bourbon did not mend
that leg she might as well be lame of both etc etc etc He so contrived
his story as absolutely to forget the heroine of it and with her the little
novice and what was a more ticklish point to be forgot than both the two
mules who being creatures that take advantage of the world inasmuch as their
parents took it of them and they not being in a condition to return the
obligation downwards as men and women and beasts are they do it sideways
and longways and backways and up hill and down hill and which way they
can Philosophers with all their ethics have never considered this rightly
how should the poor muleteer then in his cups consider it at all he did not
in the least tis time we do let us leave him then in the vortex of his
element the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men and for a moment let
us look after the mules the abbess and Margarita
By virtue of the muleteers two last strokes the mules had gone quietly on
following their own consciences up the hill till they had conquerd about one
half of it when the elder of them a shrewd crafty old devil at the turn of an
angle giving a side glance and no muleteer behind them
By my fig said she swearing Ill go no further And if I do replied
the other they shall make a drum of my hide
And so with one consent they stoppd thus
Chap XXII
Get on with you said the abbess
Whysh ysh cried Margarita
Sha shuu shu u sh aw shawd the abbess
Whu v w whew w w whuvd Margarita pursing up her sweet lips
betwixt a hoot and a whistle
Thump thump thump obstreperated the abbess of Andoüillets with the end
of her goldheaded cane against the bottom of the calesh
The old mule let a f
Chap XXIII
We are ruind and undone my child said the abbess to Margarita we shall be
here all night we shall be plunderd we shall be ravishd
We shall be ravishd said Margarita as sure as a gun
Sancta Maria cried the abbess forgetting the O why was I governd by
this wicked stiff joint why did I leave the convent of Andoüillets and why
didst thou not suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her tomb
O my finger my finger cried the novice catching fire at the word servant
why was I not content to put it here or there any where rather than be in
this strait
Strait said the abbess
Strait said the novice for terrour had struck their understandings
the one knew not what she said the other what she answerd
O my virginity virginity cried the abbess
inity inity said the novice sobbing
Chap XXIV
My dear mother quoth the novice coming a little to herself there are two
certain words which I have been told will force any horse or ass or mule to
go up a hill whether he will or no be he never so obstinate or illwilld the
moment he hears them utterd he obeys They are words magic cried the abbess
in the utmost horrour No replied Margarita calmly but they are words sinful
What are they quoth the abbess interrupting her They are sinful in the
first degree answered Margarita they are mortal and if we are ravishd and
die unabsolved of them we shall both but you may pronounce them to me quoth
the abbess of Andoüillets They cannot my dear mother said the novice be
pronounced at all they will make all the blood in ones body fly up into ones
face But you may whisper them in my ear quoth the abbess
Heaven hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the inn at the bottom of
the hill was there no generous and friendly spirit unemployd no agent in
nature by some monitory shivering creeping along the artery which led to his
heart to rouze the muleteer from his banquet no sweet minstrelsy to bring
back the fair idea of the abbess and Margarita with their black rosaries
Rouse rouse but tis too late the horrid words are pronounced this
moment
and how to tell them Ye who can speak of every thing existing with
unpolluted lips instruct me guide me
Chap XXV
All sins whatever quoth the abbess turning casuist in the distress they were
under are held by the confessor of our convent to be either mortal or venial
there is no further division Now a venial sin being the slightest and least of
all sins being halved by taking either only the half of it and leaving
the rest or by taking it all and amicably halving it betwixt yourself and
another person in course becomes diluted into no sin at all
Now I see no sin in saying bou bou bou bou bou a hundred times
together nor is there any turpitude in pronouncing the syllable ger ger ger
ger ger were it from our matins to our vespers Therefore my dear daughter
continued the abbess of Andoüillets I will say bou and thou shalt say ger
and then alternately as there is no more sin in fou then in bou Thou shalt
say fou and I will come in like fa sol la re mi ut at our complines
with ter And accordingly the abbess giving the pitch note set off thus
Abbess
Margarita
Bou bou bou
ger ger ger
Margarita
Abbess
Fou fou fou
ter ter ter
The two mules acknowledged the notes by a mutual lash of their tails but it
went no further Twill answer by an by said the novice
Abbess
Margarita
Bou bou bou bou bou bou
ger ger ger ger ger ger
Quicker still cried Margarita
Fou fou fou fou fou fou fou fou fou
Quicker still cried Margarita
Bou bou bou bou bou bou bou bou bou
Quicker still God preserve me said the abbess They do not understand us
cried Margarita But the Devil does said the abbess of Andoüillets
Chap XXVI
What a tract of country have I run how many degrees nearer to the warm sun am
I advanced and how many fair and goodly cities have I seen during the time you
have been reading and reflecting Madam upon this story Theres FONTAINBLEAU
and SENS and JOIGNY and AUXERRE and DIJON the capital of Burgundy and
CHALLON and Mâcon the capital of the Mâconese and a score more upon the road
to LYONS and now I have run them over I might as well talk to you of so
many markettowns in the moon as tell you one word about them it will be this
chapter at the least if not both this and the next entirely lost do what I
will
Why tis a strange story Tristram
Alas Madam had it been upon some melancholy lecture of the cross the
peace of meekness or the contentment of resignation I had not been
incommoded or had I thought of writing it upon the purer abstractions of the
soul and that food of wisdom and holiness and contemplation upon which the
spirit of man when separated from the body is to subsist for ever You would
have come with a better appetite from it
I wish I never had wrote it but as I never blot any thing out let us
use some honest means to get it out of our heads directly
Pray reach me my fools cap I fear you sit upon it Madam tis
under the cushion Ill put it on
Bless me you have had it upon your head this half hour There then let
it stay with a
Fara diddle di
and a fari diddle d
and a highdum dyedum
fiddledumbc
And now Madam we may venture I hope a little to go on
Chap XXVII
All you need say of Fountainbleau in case you are askd is that it stands
about forty miles south something from Paris in the middle of a large forest
That there is something great in it That the king goes there once every
two or three years with his whole court for the pleasure of the chase and
that during that carnival of sporting any English gentleman of fashion you
need not forget yourself may be accommodated with a nag or two to partake of
the sport taking care only not to outgallop the king
Though there are two reasons why you need not talk loud of this to every
one
First Because twill make the said nags the harder to be got and
Secondly Tis not a word of it true Allons
As for SENS you may dispatch it in a word »Tis an archiepiscopal see
«
For JOIGNY the less I think one says of it the better
But for AUXERRE I could go on for ever for in my grand tour through
Europe in which after all my father not caring to trust me with any one
attended me himself with my uncle Toby and Trim and Obadiah and indeed most
of the family except my mother who being taken up with a project of knitting
my father a pair of large worsted breeches the thing is common sense and
she not caring to be put out of her way she staid at home at SHANDY HALL to
keep things right during the expedition in which I say my father stopping us
two days at Auxerre and his researches being ever of such a nature that they
would have found fruit even in a desert he has left me enough to say upon
AUXERRE in short wherever my father went but twas more remarkably so in
this journey through France and Italy than in any other stages of his life
his road seemed to lie so much on one side of that wherein all other travellers
had gone before him he saw kings and courts and silks of all colours in such
strange lights and his remarks and reasonings upon the characters the
manners and customs of the countries we passd over were so opposite to those
of all other mortal men particularly those of my uncle Toby and Trim to say
nothing of myself and to crown all the occurrences and scrapes which we
were perpetually meeting and getting into in consequence of his systems and
opiniatry they were of so odd so mixed and tragicomical a contexture That
the whole put together it appears of so different a shade and tint from any
tour of Europe which was ever executed That I will venture to pronounce the
fault must be mine and mine only if it be not read by all travellers and
travelreaders till travelling is no more or which comes to the same point
till the world finally takes it into its head to stand still
But this rich bale is not to be opend now except a small thread or two
of it merely to unravel the mystery of my fathers stay at AUXERRE
As I have mentioned it tis too slight to be kept suspended and when
tis wove in theres an end of it
Well go brother Toby said my father whilst dinner is coddling to the
abby of Saint Germain if it be only to see these bodies of which Monsieur
Sequier has given such a recommendation Ill go see any body quoth my uncle
Toby for he was all compliance thro every step of the journey Defend me
said my father they are all mummies Then one need not shave quoth my uncle
Toby Shave no cried my father twill be more like relations to go with
our beards on So out we sallied the corporal lending his master his arm and
bringing up the rear to the abby of Saint Germain
Every thing is very fine and very rich and very superb and very
magnificent said my father addressing himself to the sacristan who was a
young brother of the order of Benedictines but our curiosity has led us to see
the bodies of which Monsieur Sequier has given the world so exact a
description The sacristan made a bow and lighting a torch first which he
had always in the vestry ready for the purpose he led us into the tomb of St
Heribald This said the sacristan laying his hand upon the tomb was a
renowned prince of the house of Bavaria who under the successive reigns of
Charlemagne Louis le Debonair and Charles the Bald bore a great sway in the
government and had a principal hand in bringing every thing into order and
discipline
Then he has been as great said my uncle in the field as in the cabinet
I dare say he has been a gallant soldier He was a monk said the sacristan
My uncle Toby and Trim sought comfort in each others faces but found it
not my father clappd both his hands upon his codpiece which was a way he had
when any thing hugely tickled him for though he hated a monk and the very smell
of a monk worse than all the devils in hell Yet the shot hitting my uncle
Toby and Trim so much harder than him twas a relative triumph and put him
into the gayest humour in the world
And pray what do you call this gentleman quoth my father rather
sportingly This tomb said the young Benedictine looking downwards contains
the bones of Saint MAXIMA who came from Ravenna on purpose to touch the body
Of Saint MAXIMUS said my father popping in with his saint before him
they were two of the greatest saints in the whole martyrology added my father
Excuse me said the sacristan twas to touch the bones of Saint Germain
the builder of the abby And what did she get by it said my uncle Toby
What does any woman get by it said my father MARTYRDOME replied the young
Benedictine making a bow down to the ground and uttering the word with so
humble but decisive a cadence it disarmed my father for a moment Tis
supposed continued the Benedictine that St Maxima has lain in this tomb four
hundred years and two hundred before her canonization Tis but a slow rise
brother Toby quoth my father in this self same army of martyrs A desperate
slow one an please your honour said Trim unless one could purchase I
should rather sell out entirely quoth my uncle Toby I am pretty much of your
opinion brother Toby said my father
Poor St Maxima said my uncle Toby low to himself as we turnd from her
tomb She was one of the fairest and most beautiful ladies either of Italy or
France continued the sacristan But who the duce has got lain down here
besides her quoth my father pointing with his cane to a large tomb as we
walked on It is Saint Optat Sir answered the sacristan And properly is
Saint Optat placd said my father And what is Saint Optats story continued
he Saint Optat replied the sacristan was a bishop
I thought so by heaven cried my father interrupting him Saint
Optat how should Saint Optat fail so snatching out his pocketbook and the
young Benedictine holding him the torch as he wrote he set it down as a new
prop to his system of christian names and I will be bold to say so
disinterested was he in the search of truth that had he found a treasure in St
Optats tomb it would not have made him half so rich Twas as successful a
short visit as ever was paid to the dead and so highly was his fancy pleasd
with all that had passed in it that he determined at once to stay another day
in Auxerre
Ill see the rest of these good gentry tomorrow said my father as we
crossd over the square And while you are paying that visit brother Shandy
quoth my uncle Toby the corporal and I will mount the ramparts
Chap XXVIII
Now this is the most puzzled skein of all for in this last chapter as far
at least as it has helpd me through Auxerre I have been getting forwards in
two different journey together and with the same dash of the pen for I have
got entirely out of Auxerre in this journey which I am writing now and I am got
half way out of Auxerre in that which I shall write hereafter There is but a
certain degree of perfection in every thing and by pushing at something beyond
that I have brought myself into such a situation as no traveller ever stood
before me for I am this moment walking across the marketplace of Auxerre with
my father and my uncle Toby in our way back to dinner and I am this moment
also entering Lyons with my postchaise broke into a thousand pieces and I am
moreover this moment in a handsome pavillion built by Pringello30 upon the
banks of the Garonne which Mons Sligniac has lent me and where I now sit
rhapsodizing all these affairs
Let me collect myself and pursue my journey
Chap XXIX
I am glad of it said I settling the account with myself as I walkd into Lyons
my chaise being all laid higgledy piggledy with my baggage in a cart which
was moving slowly before me I am heartily glad said I that tis all broke
to pieces for now I can go directly by water to Avignon which will carry me on
a hundred and twenty miles of my journey and not cost me seven livres and
from thence continued I bringing forwards the account I can hire a couple of
mules or asses if I like for no body knows me and cross the plains of
Languedoc for almost nothing I shall gain four hundred livres by the
misfortune clear into my purse and pleasure worth worth double the money by
it With what velocity continued I clapping my two hands together shall I fly
down the rapid Rhône with the VIVARES on my righthand and DAUPHINY on my
left scarce seeing the ancient cities of VIENNE Valence and Vivieres What a
flame will it rekindle in the lamp to snatch a blushing grape from the
Hermitage and Cotê roti as I shoot by the foot of them and what a fresh spring
in the blood to behold upon the banks advancing and retiring the castles of
romance whence courteous knights have whilome rescued the distressd and see
vertiginous the rocks the mountains the cataracts and all the hurry which
Nature is in with all her great works about her
As I went on thus methought my chaise the wreck of which lookd stately
enough at the first insensibly grew less and less in its size the freshness of
the painting was no more the gilding lost its lustre and the whole affair
appeared so poor in my eyes so sorry so contemptible and in a word so
much worse than the abbess of Andoüillets itself that I was just opening my
mouth to give it to the devil when a pert vamping chaiseundertaker stepping
nimbly across the street demanded if Monsieur would have his chaise refitted
No no said I shaking my head sideways Would Monsieur choose to sell it
rejoind the undertaker With all my soul said I the iron work is worth
forty livres and the glasses worth forty more and the leather you may take
to live on
What a mine of wealth quoth I as he counted me the money has this post
chaise brought me in And this is my usual method of bookkeeping at least with
the disasters of life making a penny of every one of em as they happen to me
Do my dear Jenny tell the world for me how I behaved under one the
most oppressive of its kind which could befall me as a man proud as he ought
to be of his manhood
Tis enough saidst thou coming close up to me as I stood with my garters
in my hand reflecting upon what had not passd Tis enough Tristram and I
am satisfied saidst thou whispering these words in my ear
any other man would have sunk down to the
center
Every thing is good for something quoth I
Ill go into Wales for six weeks and drink goatswhey and Ill gain
seven years longer life for the accident For which reason I think myself
inexcusable for blaming Fortune so often as I have done for pelting me all my
life long like an ungracious dutchess as I calld her with so many small
evils surely if I have any cause to be angry with her tis that she has not
sent me great ones a score of good cursed bouncing losses would have been as
good as a pension to me
One of a hundred a year or so is all I wish I would not be at the
plague of paying land tax for a larger
Chap XXX
To those who call vexations VEXATIONS as knowing what they are there could
not be a greater than to be the best part of a day in Lyons the most opulent
and flourishing city in France enriched with the most fragments of antiquity
and not be able to see it To be withheld upon any account must be a vexation
but to be withheld by a vexation must certainly be what philosophy justly
calls
VEXATION
upon
VEXATION
I had got my two dishes of milk coffee which by the bye is excellently good for
a consumption but you must boil the milk and coffee together otherwise tis
only coffee and milk and as it was no more than eight in the morning and the
boat did not go off till noon I had time to see enough of Lyons to tire the
patience of all the friends I had in the world with it I will take a walk to
the cathedral said I looking at my list and see the wonderful mechanism of
this great clock of Lippius of Basil in the first place
Now of all things in the world I understand the least of mechanism I
have neither genius or taste or fancy and have a brain so entirely unapt for
every thing of that kind that I solemnly declare I was never yet able to
comprehend the principles of motion of a squirrel cage or a common
knifegrinders wheel tho I have many an hour of my life lookd up with great
devotion at the one and stood by with as much patience as any christian ever
could do at the other
Ill go see the surprising movements of this great clock said I the very
first thing I do and then I will pay a visit to the great library of the
Jesuits and procure if possible a sight of the thirty volumes of the general
history of China wrote not in the Tartarian but in the Chinese language and
in the Chinese character too
Now I almost know as little of the Chinese language as I do of the
mechanism of Lippiuss clockwork so why these should have jostled themselves
into the two first articles of my list I leave to the curious as a problem of
Nature I own it looks like one of her ladyships obliquities and they who
court her are interested in finding out her humour as much as I
When these curiosities are seen quoth I half addressing myself to my valet
de place who stood behind me twill be no hurt if WE go to the church of St
Ireneus and see the pillar to which Christ was tied and after that the
house where Pontius Pilate lived Twas at the next town said the valet de
place at Vienne I am glad of it said I rising briskly from my chair and
walking across the room with strides twice as long as my usual pace »for so
much the sooner shall I be at the Tomb of the two lovers«
What was the cause of this movement and why I took such long strides in
uttering this I might leave to the curious too but as no principle of
clockwork is concernd in it twill be as well for the reader if I explain
it myself
Chap XXXI
O There is a sweet æra in the life of man when the brain being tender and
fibrillous and more like pap than any thing else a story read of two fond
lovers separated from each other by cruel parents and by still more cruel
destiny
Amandus He
Amanda She
each ignorant of the others course
He east
She west
Amandus taken captive by the Turks and carried to the emperor of Moroccos
court where the princess of Morocco falling in love with him keeps him twenty
years in prison for the love of his Amanda
She Amanda all the time wandering barefoot and with dishevelld hair
oer rocks and mountains enquiring for Amandus Amandus Amandus making
every hill and valley to echo back his name
Amandus Amandus
at every town and city sitting down forlorn at the gate Has Amandus has my
Amandus enterd till going round and round and round the world
chance unexpected bringing them at the same moment of the night though by
different ways to the gate of Lyons their native city and each in well known
accents calling out aloud
Is Amandus
Is my Amanda
still alive
they fly into each others arms and both drop down dead for joy
There is a soft æra in every gentle mortals life where such a story
affords more pabulum to the brain than all the Frusts and Crusts and Rusts of
antiquity which travellers can cook up for it
Twas all that stuck on the right side of the cullender in my own of
what Spon and others in their accounts of Lyons had strained into it and
finding moreover in some Itinerary but in what God knows That sacred to
the fidelity of Amandus and Amanda a tomb was built without the gates where to
this hour lovers calld upon them to attest their truths I never could get
into a scrape of that kind in my life but this tomb of the lovers would some
how or other come in at the close nay such a kind of empire had it
establishd over me that I could seldom think or speak of Lyons and sometimes
not so much as see even a Lyonswaistcoat but this remnant of antiquity would
present itself to my fancy and I have often said in my wild way of running on
tho I fear with some irreverence »I thought this shrine neglected as it
was as valuable as that of Mecca and so little short except in wealth of the
Santa Casa itself that some time or other I would go a pilgrimage though I
had no other business at Lyons on purpose to pay it a visit
In my list therefore of Videnda at Lyons this tho last was not you
see least so taking a dozen or two of longer strides than usual across my
room just whilst it passed my brain I walked down calmly into the Basse Cour
in order to sally forth and having called for my bill as it was uncertain
whether I should return to my inn I had paid it had moreover given the maid
ten sous and was just receiving the dernier compliments of Monsieur Le Blanc
for a pleasant voyage down the Rhône when I was stopped at the gate
Chap XXXII
Twas by a poor ass who had just turned in with a couple of large panniers
upon his back to collect eleemosunary turnip tops and cabbage leaves and stood
dubious with his two forefeet on the inside of the threshold and with his two
hinder feet towards the street as not knowing very well whether he was to go
in or no
Now tis an animal be in what hurry I may I cannot bear to strike
there is a patient endurance of sufferings wrote so unaffectedly in his looks
and carriage which pleads so mightily for him that it always disarms me and
to that degree that I do not like to speak unkindly to him on the contrary
meet him where I will whether in town or country in cart or under panniers
whether in liberty or bondage I have ever something civil to say to him on my
part and as one word begets another if he has as little to do as I I
generally fall into conversation with him and surely never is my imagination so
busy as in framing his responses from the etchings of his countenance and
where those carry me not deep enough in flying from my own heart into his
and seeing what is natural for an ass to think as well as a man upon the
occasion In truth it is the only creature of all the classes of beings below
me with whom I can do this for parrots jackdaws etc I never exchange a
word with them nor with the apes etc for pretty near the same reason they
act by rote as the others speak by it and equally make me silent nay my dog
and my cat though I value them both and for my dog he would speak if he
could yet some how or other they neither of them possess the talents for
conversation I can make nothing of a discourse with them beyond the
proposition the reply and rejoinder which terminated my fathers and my
mothers conversations in his beds of justice and those utterd theres an
end of the dialogue
But with an ass I can commune for ever
Come Honesty said I seeing it was impracticable to pass betwixt him and
the gate art thou for coming in or going out
The ass twisted his head round to look up the street
Well replied I well wait a minute for thy driver
He turned his head thoughtful about and looked wistfully the opposite
way
I understand thee perfectly answered I if thou takest a wrong step in
this affair he will cudgel thee to death Well a minute is but a minute and
if it saves a fellow creature a drubbing it shall not be set down as illspent
He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse went on and in the
little peevish contentions of nature betwixt hunger and unsavouriness had dropt
it out of his mouth half a dozen times and pickd it up again God help thee
Jack said I thou hast a bitter breakfast ont and many a bitter days labour
and many a bitter blow I fear for its wages tis all all bitterness to
thee whatever life is to others And now thy mouth if one knew the truth of
it is as bitter I dare say as soot for he had cast aside the stem and
thou hast not a friend perhaps in all this world that will give thee a
macaroon In saying this I pulld out a paper of em which I had just
purchased and gave him one and at this moment that I am telling it my heart
smites me that there was more of pleasantry in the conceit of seeing how an
ass would eat a macaroon than of benevolence in giving him one which
presided in the act
When the ass had eaten his macaroon I pressd him to come in the poor
beast was heavy loaded his legs seemd to tremble under him he hung rather
backwards and as I pulld at his halter it broke short in my hand he lookd
up pensive in my face »Dont thrash me with it but if you will you may«
If I do said I Ill be dd
The word was but one half of it pronounced like the abbess of Andoüillets
so there was no sin in it when a person coming in let fall a thundering
bastinado upon the poor devils crupper which put an end to the ceremony
Out upon it
cried I but the interjection was equivocal and I think wrong placed too
for the end of an osier which had started out from the contexture of the asss
pannier had caught hold of my breeches pocket as he rushd by me and rent it
in the most disasterous direction you can imagine so that the
Out upon it in my opinion should have come in here but this I leave to
be settled by
The
REVIEWERS
of
MY BREECHES
which I have brought over along with me for that purpose
Chap XXXIII
When all was set to rights I came down stairs again into the basse cour with my
valet de place in order to sally out towards the tomb of the two lovers amp
c and was a second time stoppd at the gate not by the ass but by the
person who struck him and who by that time had taken possession as is not
uncommon after a defeat of the very spot of ground where the ass stood
It was a commissary sent to me from the postoffice with a rescript in his
hand for the payment of some six livres odd sous
Upon what account said I Tis upon the part of the king replied the
commissary heaving up both his shoulders
My good friend quoth I as sure as I am I and you are you
And who are you said he Dont puzzle me said I
Chap XXXIV
But it is an indubitable verity continued I addressing myself to the
commissary changing only the form of my asseveration that I owe the king of
France nothing but my goodwill for he is a very honest man and I wish him all
health and pastime in the world
Pardonnez moi replied the commissary you are indebted to him six livres
four sous for the next post from hence to St Fons in your rout to Avignon
which being a post royal you pay double for the horses and postillion
otherwise twould have amounted to no more than three livres two sous
But I dont go by land said I
You may if you please replied the commissary
Your most obedient servant said I making him a low bow
The commissary with all the sincerity of grave good breeding made me one
as low again I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my life
The devil take the serious character of these people quoth I aside
they understand no more of IRONY than this
The comparison was standing close by with his panniers but something
seald up my lips I could not pronounce the name
Sir said I collecting myself it is not my intention to take post
But you may said he persisting in his first reply you may take post
if you chuse
And I may take salt to my pickled herring said I if I chuse
But I do not chuse
But you must pay for it whether you do or no
Aye for the salt said I I know
And for the post too added he Defend me cried I
I travel by water I am going down the Rhône this very afternoon my
baggage is in the boat and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage
Cest tout egal tis all one said he
Bon Dieu what pay for the way I go and for the way I do not go
Cest tout egal replied the commissary
The devil it is said I but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first
O England England thou land of liberty and climate of good sense thou
tenderest of mothers and gentlest of nurses cried I kneeling upon one knee
as I was beginning my apostrophe
When the director of Madam Le Blancs conscience coming in at that instant
and seeing a person in black with a face as pale as ashes at his devotions
looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery askd if I
stood in want of the aids of the church
I go by WATER said I and heres another will be for making me pay for
going by OYL
Chap XXXV
As I perceived the commissary of the postoffice would have his six livres four
sous I had nothing else for it but to say some smart thing upon the occasion
worth the money
And so I set off thus
And pray Mr commissary by what law of courtesy is a defenceless
stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a Frenchman in this
matter
By no means said he
Excuse me said I for you have begun Sir with first tearing off my
breeches and now you want my pocket
Whereas had you first taken my pocket as you do with your own people
and then left me bare a d after I had been a beast to have complaind
As it is
Tis contrary to the law of nature
Tis contrary to reason
Tis contrary to the GOSPEL
But not to this said he putting a printed paper into my hand
PAR LE ROY
Tis a pithy prolegomenon quoth I and so read on
By all which it appears quoth I having read it over a little too
rapidly that if a man sets out in a postchaise from Paris he must go on
travelling in one all the days of his life or pay for it Excuse me said
the commissary the spirit of the ordinance is this That if you set out with
an intention of running post from Paris to Avignon etc you shall not change
that intention or mode of travelling without first satisfying the fermiers for
two posts further than the place you repent at and tis founded continued
he upon this that the REVENUES are not to fall short through your fickleness
O by heavens cried I if fickleness is taxable in France we have
nothing to do but make the best peace with you we can
AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE
And if it is a bad one as Tristram Shandy laid the corner stone of it
nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged
Chap XXXVI
Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came
to six livres four sous yet I was determined to note down the imposition
amongst my remarks before I retird from the place so putting my hand into my
coat pocket for my remarks which by the bye may be a caution to travellers
to take a little more care of their remarks for the future »my remarks were
stolen« Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his
remarks as I did about mine upon the occasion
Heaven earth sea fire cried I calling in every thing to my aid but what
I should My remarks are stolen what shall I do Mr commissary pray did
I drop any remarks as I stood besides you
You droppd a good many very singular ones replied he Pugh said I
those were but a few not worth above six livres two sous but these are a
large parcel He shook his head Monsieur Le Blanc Madam Le Blanc did you
see any papers of mine you maid of the house run up stairs François run
up after her
I must have my remarks they were the best remarks cried I that ever
were made the wisest the wittiest What shall I do which way shall I
turn myself
Sancho Pança when he lost his asss FURNITURE did not exclaim more
bitterly
Chap XXXVII
When the first transport was over and the registers of the brain were beginning
to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of cross accidents
had cast them it then presently occurrd to me that I had left my remarks in
the pocket of the chaise and that in selling my chaise I had sold my remarks
along with to the chaisevamper I leave this void space that the reader may
swear into it any oath that he is most accustomed to For my own part if
ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy in my life I think it was into that
said I and so my remarks through France which were as full
of wit as an egg is full of meat and as well worth four hundred guineas as
the said egg is worth a penny Have I been selling here to a chaisevamper
for four Louis dOrs and giving him a postchaise by heaven worth six into
the bargain had it been to Dodsley or Becket or any creditable bookseller
who was either leaving off business and wanted a postchaise or who was
beginning it and wanted my remarks and two or three guineas along with them
I could have borne it but to a chaisevamper shew me to him this moment
François said I the valet de place put on his hat and led the way and I
pulld off mine as I passd the commissary and followed him
Chap XXXVIII
When we arrived at the chaisevampers house both the house and the shop were
shut up it was the eighth of September the nativity of the blessed Virgin
Mary mother of God
Tantarraratantivi the whole world was going out a Maypoling
frisking here capering there no body cared a button for me or my remarks so
I sat me down upon a bench by the door philosophating upon my condition by a
better fate than usually attends me I had not waited half an hour when the
mistress came in to take the papilliotes from off her hair before she went to
the Maypoles
The French women by the bye love Maypoles a la folie that is as much
as their matins give em but a Maypole whether in May June July or
September they never count the times down it goes tis meat drink
washing and lodging to em and had we but the policy an please your
worships as wood is a little scarce in France to send them but plenty of
Maypoles
The women would set them up and when they had done they would dance round
them and the men for company till they were all blind
The wife of the chaisevamper stepd in I told you to take the papilliotes
from off her hair the toilet stands still for no man so she jerkd off her
cap to begin with them as she opend the door in doing which one of them fell
upon the ground I instantly saw it was my own writing
O Seignieur cried I you have got all my remarks upon your head Madam
Jen suis bien mortifiée said she tis well thinks I they have stuck
there for could they have gone deeper they would have made such confusion in
a French womans noddle She had better have gone with it unfrizled to the day
of eternity
Tenez said she so without any idea of the nature of my suffering she
took them from her curls and put them gravely one by one into my hat one was
twisted this way another twisted that ay by my faith and when they are
published quoth I
They will be worse twisted still
Chap XXXIX
And now for Lippiuss clock said I with the air of a man who had got thro
all his difficulties nothing can prevent us seeing that and the Chinese
history etc except the time said François for tis almost eleven then we
must speed the faster said I striding it away to the cathedral
I cannot say in my heart that it gave me any concern in being told by one
of the minor canons as I was entering the west door That Lippiuss great
clock was all out of joints and had not gone for some years It will give me
the more time thought I to peruse the Chinese history and besides I shall be
able to give the world a better account of the clock in its decay than I could
have done in its flourishing condition
And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits
Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history of China in
Chinese characters as with many others I could mention which strike the fancy
only at a distance for as I came nearer and nearer to the point my blood
coold the freak gradually went off till at length I would not have given a
cherrystone to have it gratified The truth was my time was short and my
heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers I wish to God said I as I got the
rapper in my hand that the key of the library may be but lost it fell out as
well
For all the JESUITS had got the cholic and to that degree as never was
known in the memory of the oldest practitioner
Chap XL
As I knew the geography of the Tomb of the Lovers as well as if I had lived
twenty years in Lyons namely that it was upon the turning of my right hand
just without the gate leading to the Fauxbourg de Vaise I dispatchd
François to the boat that I might pay the homage I so long owd it without a
witness of my weakness I walkd with all imaginable joy towards the place
when I saw the gate which intercepted the tomb my heart glowed within me
Tender and faithful spirits cried I addressing myself to Amandus and
Amanda long long have I tarried to drop this tear upon your tomb I come
I come
When I came there was no tomb to drop it upon
What would I have given for my uncle Toby to have whistled Lillo bullero
Chap XLI
No matter how or in what mood but I flew from the tomb of the lovers or
rather I did not fly from it for there was no such thing existing and just
got time enough to the boat to save my passage and eer I had sailed a
hundred yards the Rhône and the Saôn met together and carried me down merrily
betwixt them
But I have described this voyage down the Rhône before I made it
So now I am at Avignon and as there is nothing to see but the old house
in which the duke of Ormond resided and nothing to stop me but a short remark
upon the place in three minutes you will see me crossing the bridge upon a
mule with François upon a horse with my portmanteau behind him and the owner
of both striding the way before us with a long gun upon his shoulder and a
sword under his arm least peradventure we should run away with his cattle Had
you seen my breeches in entering Avignon Though youd have seen them better
I think as I mounted you would not have thought the precaution amiss or
found in your heart to have taken it in dudgeon for my own part I took it
most kindly and determined to make him a present of them when we got to the
end of our journey for the trouble they had put him to of arming himself at
all points against them
Before I go further let me get rid of my remark upon Avignon which is
this That I think it wrong merely because a mans hat has been blown off his
head by chance the first night he comes to Avignon that he should therefore
say »Avignon is more subject to high winds than any town in all France« for
which reason I laid no stress upon the accident till I had inquired of the
master of the inn about it who telling me seriously it was so and hearing
moreover the windyness of Avignon spoke of in the country about as a proverb
I set it down merely to ask the learned what can be the cause the
consequence I saw for they are all Dukes Marquisses and Counts there the
duce a Baron in all Avignon so that there is scarce any talking to them on
a windy day
Prithee friend said I take hold of my mule for a moment for I wanted to
pull off one of my jackboots which hurt my heel the man was standing quite
idle at the door of the inn and as I had taken it into my head he was someway
concerned about the house or stable I put the bridle into his hand so begun
with my boot when I had finished the affair I turned about to take the mule
from the man and thank him
But Monsieur le Marquis had walked in
Chap XLII
I had now the whole south of France from the banks of the Rhône to those of the
Garonne to traverse upon my mule at my own leisure at my own leisure for I
had left Death the lord knows and He only how far behind me »I have
followed many a man thro France quoth he but never at this mettlesome rate«
Still he followed and still I fled him but I fled him chearfully
still he pursued but like one who pursued his prey without hope as he
lagd every step he lost softened his looks why should I fly him at this
rate
So notwithstanding all the commissary of the postoffice had said I changed
the mode of my travelling once more and after so precipitate and rattling a
course as I had run I flattered my fancy with thinking of my mule and that I
should traverse the rich plains of Languedoc upon his back as slowly as foot
could fall
There is nothing more pleasing to a traveller or more terrible to
travelwriters than a large rich plain especially if it is without great
rivers or bridges and presents nothing to the eye but one unvaried picture of
plenty for after they have once told you that tis delicious or delightful
as the case happens that the soil was grateful and that nature pours out
all her abundance etc they have then a large plain upon their hands which
they know not what to do with and which is of little or no use to them but to
carry them to some town and that town perhaps of little more but a new place
to start from to the next plain and so on
This is most terrible work judge if I dont manage my plains better
Chap XLIII
I had not gone above two leagues and a half before the man with his gun began
to look at his priming
I had three several times loiterd terribly behind half a mile at least
every time once in deep conference with a drummaker who was making drums for
the fairs of Baucaira and Tarascone I did not understand the principles
The second time I cannot so properly say I stoppd for meeting a couple
of Franciscans straitend more for time than myself and not being able to get
to the bottom of what I was about I had turnd back with them
The third was an affair of trade with a gossip for a hand basket of
Provence figs for four sous this would have been transacted at once but for a
case of conscience at the close of it for when the figs were paid for it
turnd out that there were two dozen of eggs coverd over with vineleaves at
the bottom of the basket as I had no intention of buying eggs I made no sort
of claim of them as for the space they had occupied what signified it I had
figs enow for my money
But it was my intention to have the basket it was the gossips intention
to keep it without which she could do nothing with her eggs and unless I
had the basket I could do as little with my figs which were too ripe already
and most of em burst at the side this brought on a short contention which
terminated in sundry proposals what we should both do
How we disposed of our eggs and figs I defy you or the Devil himself
had he not been there which I am persuaded he was to form the least probable
conjecture You will read the whole of it not this year for I am hastening
to the story of my uncle Tobys amours but you will read it in the collection
of those which have arose out of the journey across this plain and which
therefore I call my
PLAIN STORIES
How far my pen has been fatigued like those of other travellers in this journey
of it over so barren a track the world must judge but the traces of it
which are now all set o vibrating together this moment tell me tis the most
fruitful and busy period of my life for as I had made no convention with my man
with the gun as to time by stopping and talking to every soul I met who was
not in a full trot joining all parties before me waiting for every soul
behind hailing all those who were coming through cross roads arresting all
kinds of beggars pilgrims fiddlers fryars not passing by a woman in a
mulberrytree with out commending her legs and tempting her into conversation
with a pinch of snuff In short by seizing every handle of what size or
shape soever which chance held out to me in this journey I turned my plain
into a city I was always in company and with great variety too and as my
mule loved society as much as myself and had some proposals always on his part
to offer to every beast he met I am confident we could have passed through
Pall Mall or St Jamess Street for a month together with fewer adventures
and seen less of human nature
O there is that sprightly frankness which at once unpins every plait of a
Languedocians dress that whatever is beneath it it looks so like the
simplicity which poets sing of in better days I will delude my fancy and
believe it is so
Twas in the road betwixt Nismes and Lunel where there is the best Muscatto
wine in all France and which by the bye belongs to the honest canons of
MONTPELLIER and foul befall the man who has drank it at their table who
grudges them a drop of it
The sun was set they had done their work the nymphs had tied up their
hair afresh and the swains were preparing for a carousal My mule made a
dead point Tis the fife and tabourin said I Im frightend to death
quoth he They are running at the ring of pleasure said I giving him a prick
By saint Boogar and all the saints at the backside of the door of purgatory
said he making the same resolution with the abbesse of Andoüillets Ill not
go a step further Tis very well Sir said I I never will argue a point
with one of your family as long as I live so leaping off his back and kicking
off one boot into this ditch and tother into that Ill take a dance said I
so stay you here
A sunburnt daughter of Labour rose up from the groupe to meet me as I
advanced towards them her hair which was a dark chesnut approaching rather to
a black was tied up in a knot all but a single tress
We want a cavalier said she holding out both her hands as if to offer
them And a cavalier ye shall have said I taking hold of both of them
Hadst thou Nannette been arrayd like a dutchesse
But that cursed slit in thy petticoat
Nannette cared not for it
We could not have done without you said she letting go one hand with
selftaught politeness leading me up with the other
A lame youth whom Apollo had recompenced with a pipe and to which he had
added a tabourin of his own accord ran sweetly over the prelude as he sat upon
the bank Tie me up this tress instantly said Nannette putting a piece of
string into my hand It taught me to forget I was a stranger The whole knot
fell down We had been seven years acquainted
The youth struck the note upon the tabourin his pipe followed and off we
bounded »the duce take that slit«
The sister of the youth who had stolen her voice from heaven sung
alternately with her brother twas a Gascoigne roundelay
VIVA LA JOIA
FIDON LA TRISTESSA
The nymphs joind in unison and their swains an octave below them
I would have given a crown to have it sewd up Nannette would not have
given a sous Viva la joia was in her lips Viva la joia was in her eyes A
transient spark of amity shot across the space betwixt us She lookd amiable
Why could I not live and end my days thus Just disposer of our joys and
sorrows cried I why could not a man sit down in the lap of content here and
dance and sing and say his prayers and go to heaven with this nut brown maid
capriciously did she bend her head on one side and dance up insiduous Then
tis time to dance off quoth I so changing only partners and tunes I danced
it away from Lunel to Montpellier from thence to Pesçnas Beziers I danced
it along through Narbonne Carcasson and Castle Naudairy till at last I danced
myself into Perdrillos pavillion where pulling a paper of black lines that I
might go on straight forwards without digression or parenthesis in my uncle
Tobys amours
I begun thus
End of the Seventh Volume
Volume VIII
Chap I
But softly for in these sportive plains and under this genial sun where
at this instant all flesh is running out piping fiddling and dancing to the
vintage and every step thats taken the judgment is surprised by the
imagination I defy notwithstanding all that has been said upon straight lines
31 in sundry pages of my book I defy the best cabbage planter that ever
existed whether he plants backwards or forwards it makes little difference in
the account except that he will have more to answer for in the one case than in
the other I defy him to go on cooly critically and canonically planting
his cabbages one by one in straight lines and stoical distances especially if
slits in petticoats are unsewd up without ever and anon straddling out or
sidling into some bastardly digression In Freezeland Fogland and some other
lands I wot of it may be done
But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration where every idea
sensible and insensible gets vent in this land my dear Eugenius in this
fertile land of chivalry and romance where I now sit unskrewing my inkhorn to
write my uncle Tobys amours and with all the meanders of JULIAS track in
quest of her DIEGO in full view of my study window if thou comest not and
takest me by the hand
What a work is it likely to turn out
Let us begin it
Chap II
It is with LOVE as with CUCKOLDOM
But now I am talking of beginning a book and have long had a thing upon
my mind to be imparted to the reader which if not imparted now can never be
imparted to him as long as I live whereas the COMPARISON may be imparted to him
any hour in the day Ill just mention it and begin in good earnest
The thing is this
That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice
throughout the known world I am confident my own way of doing it is the best
Im sure it is the most religious for I begin with writing the first sentence
and trusting to Almighty God for the second
Twould cure an author for ever of the fuss and folly of opening his
streetdoor and calling in his neighbours and friends and kinsfolk with the
devil and all his imps with their hammers and engines etc only to observe how
one sentence of mine follows another and how the plan follows the whole
I wish you saw me half starting out of my chair with what confidence as I
grasp the elbow of it I look up catching the idea even sometimes before it
half way reaches me
I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intended
for another man
Pope and his Portrait32 are fools to me no martyr is ever so full of
faith or fire I wish I could say of good works too but I have no
Zeal or Anger or
Anger or Zeal
And till gods and men agree together to call it by the same name the errantest
TARTUFFE in science in politics or in religion shall never kindle a spark
within me or have a worse word or a more unkind greeting than what he will
read in the next chapter
Chap III
Bon jour goodmorrow so you have got your cloak on betimes but tis
a cold morning and you judge the matter rightly tis better to be well
mounted than go ofoot and obstructions in the glands are dangerous And
how goes it with thy concubine thy wife and thy little ones oboth sides
and when did you hear from the old gentleman and lady your sister aunt uncle
and cousins I hope they have got better of their colds coughs claps
toothaches fevers stranguries sciaticas swellings and soreeyes What a
devil of an apothecary to take so much blood give such a vile purge puke
poultice plaister night draught glister blister And why so many
grains of calomel santa Maria and such a dose of opium periclitating pardi
the whole family of ye from head to tail By my great aunt Dinahs old black
velvet mask I think there was no occasion for it
Now this being a little bald about the chin by frequently putting off and
on before she was got with child by the coachman not one of our family would
wear it after To cover the MASK afresh was more than the mask was worth and
to wear a mask which was bald or which could be half seen through was as bad
as having no mask at all
This is the reason may it please your reverences that in all our numerous
family for these four generations we count no more than one archbishop a
Welch judge some three or four aldermen and a single mountebank
In the sixteenth century we boast of no less than a dozen alchymists
Chap IV
»It is with Love as with Cuckoldom« the suffering party is at least the
third but generally the last in the house who knows any thing about the matter
this comes as all the world knows from having half a dozen words for one
thing and so long as what in this vessel of the human frame is Love may be
Hatred in that Sentiment half a yard higher and Nonsense no Madam
not there I mean at the part I am now pointing to with my forefinger how
can we help ourselves
Of all mortal and immortal men too if you please who ever soliloquized
upon this mystic subject my uncle Toby was the worst fitted to have pushd his
researches thro such a contention of feelings and he had infallibly let them
all run on as we do worse matters to see what they would turn out had not
Bridgets prenotification of them to Susannah and Susannahs repeated
manifestos thereupon to all the world made it necessary for my uncle Toby to
look into the affair
Chap V
Why weavers gardeners and gladiators or a man with a pined leg proceeding
from some ailment in the foot should ever have had some tender nymph breaking
her heart in secret for them are points well and duely settled and accounted
for by ancient and modern physiologists
A waterdrinker provided he is a professd one and does it without fraud
or covin is precisely in the same predicament not that at first sight there
is any consequence or shew of logic in it »That a rill of cold water dribbling
through my inward parts should light up a torch in my Jennys «
The proposition does not strike one on the contrary it seems to run
opposite to the natural workings of causes and effects
But it shews the weakness and imbecility of human reason
»And in perfect good health with it«
The most perfect Madam that friendship herself could wish me
»And drink nothing nothing but water«
Impetuous fluid the moment thou presses against the floodgates of the
brain see how they give away
In swims CURIOSITY beckoning to her damsels to follow they dive into the
centre of the current
FANCY sits musing upon the bank and with her eyes following the stream
turns straws and bulrushes into masts and bowsprits And DESIRE with vest held
up to the knee in one hand snatches at them as they swim by her with the
other
O ye waterdrinkers is it then by this delusive fountain that ye have so
often governed and turnd this world about like a millwheel grinding the
faces of the impotent bepowdering their ribs bepeppering their noses and
changing sometimes even the very frame and face of nature
If I was you quoth Yorick I would drink more water Eugenius And if
I was you Yorick replied Eugenius so would I
Which shews they had both read Longinus
For my own part I am resolved never to read any book but my own as long as
I live
Chap VI
I wish my uncle Toby had been a waterdrinker for then the thing had been
accounted for That the first moment Widow Wadman saw him she felt something
stirring within her in his favour Something something
Something perhaps more than friendship less than love something no
matter what no matter where I would not give a single hair off my mules
tail and be obliged to pluck it off myself indeed the villain has not many to
spare and is not a little vicious into the bargain to be let by your worships
into the secret
But the truth is my uncle Toby was not a waterdrinker he drank it neither
pure nor mixd or any how or any where except fortuitously upon some advanced
posts where better liquor was not to be had or during the time he was under
cure when the surgeon telling him it would extend the fibres and bring them
sooner into contact my uncle Toby drank it for quietness sake
Now as all the world knows that no effect in nature can be produced without
a cause and as it is as well known that my uncle Toby was neither a weaver a
gardener or a gladiator unless as a captain you will needs have him one
but then he was only a captain of foot and besides the whole is an
equivocation There is nothing left for us to suppose but that my uncle Tobys
leg but that will avail us little in the present hypothesis unless it had
proceeded from some ailment in the foot whereas his leg was not emaciated from
any disorder in his foot for my uncle Tobys leg was not emaciated at all It
was a little stiff and awkward from a total disuse of it for the three years
he lay confined at my fathers house in town but it was plump and muscular and
in all other respects as good and promising a leg as the other
I declare I do not recollect any one opinion or passage of my life where
my understanding was more at a loss to make ends meet and torture the chapter I
had been writing to the service of the chapter following it than in the
present case one would think I took a pleasure in running into difficulties of
this kind merely to make fresh experiments of getting out of em
Inconsiderate soul that thou art What are not the unavoidable distresses with
which as an author and a man thou art hemmd in on every side of thee are
they Tristram not sufficient but thou must entangle thyself still more
Is it not enough that thou art in debt and that thou hast ten cartloads of
thy fifth and sixth volumes still still unsold and art almost at thy wits
ends how to get them off thy hands
To this hour art thou not tormented with the vile asthma thou gattest in
skating against the wind in Flanders and is it but two months ago that in a
fit of laughter on seeing a cardinal make water like a quirister with both
hands thou brakest a vessel in thy lungs whereby in two hours thou lost as
many quarts of blood and hadst thou lost as much more did not the faculty tell
thee it would have amounted to a gallon
Chap VII
But for heavens sake let us not talk of quarts or gallons let us take the
story straight before us it is so nice and intricate a one it will scarce bear
the transposition of a single tittle and some how or other you have got me
thrust almost into the middle of it
I beg we may take more care
Chap VIII
My uncle Toby and the corporal had posted down with so much heat and
precipitation to take possession of the spot of ground we have so often spoke
of in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies that
they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair it was
neither a pioneers spade a pickax or a shovel
It was a bed to lie on so that as Shandy Hall was at that time
unfurnished and the little inn where poor Le Fever died not yet built my
uncle Toby was constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs Wadmans for a night or
two till corporal Trim who to the character of an excellent valet groom
cook sempster surgeon and engineer superadded that of an excellent
upholsterer too with the help of a carpenter and a couple of taylors
constructed one in my uncle Tobys house
A daughter of Eve for such was Widow Wadman and tis all the character I
intend to give of her
»That she was a perfect woman«
had better be fifty leagues off or hi her warm bed or playing with a
caseknife or any thing you please than make a man the object of her
attention when the house and all the furniture is her own
There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad daylight where a woman
has a power physically speaking of viewing a man in more lights than one but
here for her soul she can see him in no light without mixing something of her
own goods and chattels along with him till by reiterated acts of such
combinations he gets foisted into her inventory
And then good night
But this is not matter of System for I have delivered that above nor is
it matter of BREVIARY for I make no mans creed but my own nor matter of
FACT at least that I know of but tis matter copulative and introductory to
what follows
Chap IX
I Do not speak it with regard to the coarseness or cleanness of them or the
strength of their gussets but pray do not nightshifts differ from dayshifts
as much in this particular as in any thing else in the world That they so far
exceed the others in length that when you are laid down in them they fall
almost as much below the feet as the dayshifts fall short of them
Widow Wadmans nightshifts as was the mode I suppose in King Williams and
Queen Annes reigns were cut however after this fashion and if the fashion is
changed for in Italy they are come to nothing so much the worse for the
public they were two Flemish ells and a half in length so that allowing a
moderate woman two ells she had half an ell to spare to do what she would
with
Now from one little indulgence gaind after another in the many bleak and
decemberly nights of a seven years widowhood things had insensibly come to
this pass and for the two last years had got establishd into one of the
ordinances of the bedchamber That as soon as Mrs Wadman was put to bed and
had got her legs stretched down to the bottom of it of which she always gave
Bridget notice Bridget with all suitable decorum having first opend the
bedcloaths at the feet took hold of the half ell of cloath we are speaking of
and having gently and with both her hands drawn it downwards to its furthest
extension and then contracted it again side long by four or five even plaits
she took a large corking pin out of her sleeve and with the point directed
towards her pind the plaits all fast together a little above the hem which
done she tuckd all in tight at the feet and wishd her mistress a good night
This was constant and without any other variation than this that on
shivering and tempestuous nights when Bridget untuckd the feet of the bed
etc to do this she consulted no thermometer but that of her own passions
and so performed it standing kneeling or squatting according to the
different degrees of faith hope and charity she was in and bore towards her
mistress that night In every other respect the etiquette was sacred and might
have vied with the most mechanical one of the most inflexible bedchamber in
Christendom
The first night as soon as the corporal had conducted my uncle Toby up
stairs which was about ten Mrs Wadman threw herself into her arm chair and
crossing her left knee with her right which formed a restingplace for her
elbow she reclind her cheek upon the palm of her hand and leaning forwards
ruminated till midnight upon both sides of the question
The second night she went to her bureau and having ordered Bridget to bring
her up a couple of fresh candles and leave them upon the table she took out her
marriagesettlement and read it over with great devotion and the third night
which was the last of my uncle Tobys stay when Bridget had pulld down the
nightshift and was assaying to stick in the corking pin
With a kick of both heels at once but at the same time the most natural
kick that could be kickd in her situation for supposing to be
the sun in its meridian it was a northeast kick she kickd the pin out of
her fingers the etiquette which hung upon it down down it fell to the
ground and was shivered into a thousand atoms
From all which it was plain that widow Wadman was in love with my uncle
Toby
Chap X
My uncle Tobys head at that time was full of other matters so that it was not
till the demolition of Dunkirk when all the other civilities of Europe were
settled that he found leisure to return this
This made an armistice that is speaking with regard to my uncle Toby but
with respect to Mrs Wadman a vacancy of almost eleven years But in all
cases of this nature as it is the second blow happen at what distance of time
it will which makes the fray I chuse for that reason to call these the
amours of my uncle Toby with Mrs Wadman rather than the amours of Mrs Wadman
with my uncle Toby
This is not a distinction without a difference
It is not like the affair of an old hat cockd and a cockd old hat
about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one another but
there is a difference here in the nature of things
And let me tell you gentry a wide one too
Chap XI
Now as widow Wadman did love my uncle Toby and my uncle Toby did not love
widow Wadman there was nothing for widow Wadman to do but to go on and love my
uncle Toby or let it alone
Widow Wadman would do neither the one or the other
Gracious heaven but I forget I am a little of her temper myself for
whenever it so falls out which it sometimes does about the equinoxes that an
earthly goddess is so much this and that and tother that I cannot eat my
breakfast for her and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat my
breakfast or no
Curse on her and so I send her to Tartary and from Tartary to Terra del
Fuogo and so on to the devil in short there is not an infernal nitch where I
do not take her divinityship and stick it
But as the heart is tender and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten
times in a minute I instantly bring her back again and as I do all things in
extremes I place her in the very centre of the milkyway
Brightest of stars thou wilt shed thy influence upon some one
The duce take her and her influence too for at that word I lose all
patience much good may it do him By all that is hirsute and gashly I
cry taking off my furrd cap and twisting it round my finger I would not
give sixpence for a dozen such
But tis an excellent cap too putting it upon my head and pressing it
close to my ears and warm and soft especially if you stroke it the right
way but alas that will never be my luck so here my philosophy is
shipwreckd again
No I shall never have a finger in the pye so here I break my metaphor
Crust and crumb
Inside and out
Top and bottom I detest it I hate it I repudiate it Im sick at the
sight of it
Tis all pepper
garlick
staragen
salt and
devils dung by the great arch cook of cooks who does nothing I
think from morning to night but sit down by the fireside and invent
inflammatory dishes for us I would not touch it for the world
O Tristram Tristram cried Jenny
O Jenny Jenny replied I and so went on with the twelfth chapter
Chap XII
»Not touch it for the world« did I say
Lord how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor
Chap XIII
Which shews let your reverences and worships say what you will of it for as
for thinking all who do think think pretty much alike both upon it and
other matters LOVE is certainly at least alphabetically speaking one of
the most
A gitating
B ewitching
C onfounded
D evilish affairs of life the most
E xtravagant
F utilitous
G alligaskinish
H andydandyish
I racundulous there is no K to it and
L yrical of all human passions at the same time the most
M isgiving
N innyhammering
O bstipating
P ragmatical
S tridulous
R idiculous though by the bye the R should have gone first But in short
tis of such a nature as my father once told my uncle Toby upon the close of a
long dissertation upon the subject »You can scarce« said he »combine two
ideas together upon it brother Toby without an hypallage« Whats that
cried my uncle Toby
The cart before the horse replied my father
And what has he to do there cried my uncle Toby
Nothing quoth my father but to get in or let it alone
Now widow Wadman as I told you before would do neither the one or the
other
She stood however ready harnessed and caparisoned at all points to watch
accidents
Chap XIV
The Fates who certainly all foreknew of these amours of widow Wadman and my
uncle Toby had from the first creation of matter and motion and with more
courtesy than they usually do things of this kind established such a chain of
causes and effects hanging so fast to one another that it was scarce possible
for my uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house in the world or to have
occupied any other garden in Christendom but the very house and garden which
joind and laid parallel to Mrs Wadmans this with the advantage of a
thickset arbour in Mrs Wadmans garden but planted in the hedgerow of my
uncle Tobys put all the occasions into her hands which Lovemilitancy wanted
she could observe my uncle Tobys motions and was mistress likewise of his
councils of war and as his unsuspecting heart had given leave to the corporal
through the mediation of Bridget to make her a wickergate of communication to
enlarge her walks it enabled her to carry on her approaches to the very door of
the sentrybox and sometimes out of gratitude to make the attack and
endeavour to blow my uncle Toby up in the very sentrybox itself
Chap XV
It is a great pity but tis certain from every days observation of man that
he may be set on fire like a candle at either end provided there is a
sufficient wick standing out if there is not theres an end of the affair
and if there is by lighting it at the bottom as the flame in that case has
the misfortune generally to put out itself theres an end of the affair again
For my part could I always have the ordering of it which way I would be
burnt myself for I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a beast I
would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top for then I should
burn down decently to the socket that is from my head to my heart from my
heart to my liver from my liver to my bowels and so on by the meseraick veins
and arteries through all the turns and lateral insertions of the intestines and
their tunicles to the blind gut
I beseech you doctor Slop quoth my uncle Toby interrupting him as he
mentioned the blind gut in a discourse with my father the night my mother was
brought to bed of me I beseech you quoth my uncle Toby to tell me which is
the blind gut for old as I am I vow I do not know to this day where it lies
The blind gut answered doctor Slop lies betwixt the Illion and Colon
In a man said my father
Tis precisely the same cried doctor Slop in a woman
Thats more than I know quoth my father
Chap XVI
And so to make sure of both systems Mrs Wadman predetermined to light my
uncle Toby neither at this end or that but like a prodigals candle to light
him if possible at both ends at once
Now through all the lumber rooms of military furniture including both of
horse and foot from the great arsenal of Venice to the Tower of London
exclusive if Mrs Wadman had been rummaging for seven years together and with
Bridget to help her she could not have found any one blind or mantelet so fit
for her purpose as that which the expediency of my uncle Tobys affairs had
fixd up ready to her hands
I believe I have not told you but I dont know possibly I have be it
as it will tis one of the number of those many things which a man had better
do over again than dispute about it That whatever town or fortress the
corporal was at work upon during the course of their campaign my uncle Toby
always took care on the inside of his sentrybox which was towards his left
hand to have a plan of the place fastend up with two or three pins at the
top but loose at the bottom for the conveniency of holding it up to the eye
etc as occasions required so that when an attack was resolved upon Mrs
Wadman had nothing more to do when she had got advanced to the door of the
sentrybox but to extend her right hand and edging in her left foot at the
same movement to take hold of the map or plan or upright or whatever it was
and with outstretched neck meeting it half way to advance it towards her on
which my uncle Tobys passions were sure to catch fire for he would instantly
take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand and with the end of
his pipe in the other begin an explanation
When the attack was advanced to this point the world will naturally
enter into the reasons of Mrs Wadmans next stroke of generalship which was
to take my uncle Tobys tobaccopipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly
could which under one pretence or other but generally that of pointing more
distinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the map she would effect before my
uncle Toby poor soul had well marchd above half a dozen toises with it
It obliged my uncle Toby to make use of his forefinger
The difference it made in the attack was this That in going upon it as in
the first case with the end of her forefinger against the end of my uncle
Tobys tobaccopipe she might have travelled with it along the lines from Dan
to Beersheba had my uncle Tobys lines reachd so far without any effect For
as there was no arterial or vital heat in the end of the tobaccopipe it could
excite no sentiment it could neither give fire by pulsation or receive it
by sympathy twas nothing but smoak
Whereas in following my uncle Tobys forefinger with hers close thro all
the little turns and indentings of his works pressing sometimes against the
side of it then treading upon its nail then tripping it up then
touching it here then there and so on it set something at least in
motion
This tho slight skirmishing and at a distance from the main body yet
drew on the rest for here the map usually falling with the back of it close
to the side of the sentrybox my uncle Toby in the simplicity of his soul
would lay his hand flat upon it in order to go on with his explanation and
Mrs Wadman by a manoeuvre as quick as thought would as certainly place hers
close besides it this at once opened a communication large enough for any
sentiment to pass or repass which a person skilld in the elementary and
practical part of lovemaking has occasion for
By bringing up her forefinger parallel as before to my uncle Tobys it
unavoidably brought the thumb into action and the forefinger and thumb being
once engaged as naturally brought in the whole hand Thine dear uncle Toby
was never now in its right place Mrs Wadman had it ever to take up or with
the gentlest pushings protrusions and equivocal compressions that a hand to
be removed is capable of receiving to get it pressd a hair breadth of one
side out of her way
Whilst this was doing how could she forget to make him sensible that it
was her leg and no ones else at the bottom of the sentrybox which slightly
pressd against the calf of his So that my uncle Toby being thus attacked and
sore pushd on both his wings was it a wonder if now and then it put his
centre into disorder
The duce take it said my uncle Toby
Chap XVII
These attacks of Mrs Wadman you will readily conceive to be of different
kinds varying from each other like the attacks which history is full of and
from the same reasons A general looker on would scarce allow them to be
attacks at all or if he did would confound them all together but I write
not to them it will be time enough to be a little more exact in my descriptions
of them as I come up to them which will not be for some chapters having
nothing more to add in this but that in a bundle of original papers and
drawings which my father took care to roll up by themselves there is a plan of
Bouchain in perfect preservation and shall be kept so whilst I have power to
preserve any thing upon the lower corner of which on the right hand side
there is still remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb which there is
all the reason in the world to imagine were Mrs Wadmans for the opposite
side of the margin which I suppose to have been my uncle Tobys is absolutely
clean This seems an authenticated record of one of these attacks for there are
vestigia of the two punctures partly grown up but still visible on the opposite
corner of the map which are unquestionably the very holes through which it has
been pricked up in the sentrybox
By all that is priestly I value this precious relick with its stigmata
and pricks more than all the relicks of the Romish church always excepting
when I am writing upon these matters the pricks which enterd the flesh of St
Radagunda in the desert which in your road from FESSE to CLUNY the nuns of
that name will shew you for love
Chap XVIII
I Think an please your honour quoth Trim the fortifications are quite
destroyed and the bason is upon a level with the mole I think so too
replied my uncle Toby with a sigh half suppressd but step into the parlour
Trim for the stipulation it lies upon the table
It has lain there these six weeks replied the corporal till this very
morning that the old woman kindled the fire with it
Then said my uncle Toby there is no further occasion for our services
The more an please your honour the pity said the corporal in uttering which
he cast his spade into the wheelbarrow which was beside him with an air the
most expressive of disconsolation that can be imagined and was heavily turning
about to look for his pickax his pioneers shovel his picquets and other
little military stores in order to carry them off the field when a heigh ho
from the sentrybox which being made of thin slit deal reverberated the sound
more sorrowfully to his ear forbad him
No said the corporal to himself Ill do it before his honour rises
tomorrow morning so taking his spade out of the wheelbarrow again with a
little earth in it as if to level something at the foot of the glacis but
with a real intent to approach nearer to his master in order to divert him
he loosend a sod or two pared their edges with his spade and having given
them a gentle blow or two with the back of it he sat himself down close by my
uncle Tobys feet and began as follows
Chap XIX
It was a thousand pities though I believe an please your honour I am going
to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldier
A soldier cried my uncle Toby interrupting the corporal is no more exempt
from saying a foolish thing Trim than a man of letters But not so often
an please your honour replied the corporal My uncle Toby gave a nod
It was a thousand pities then said the corporal casting his eye upon
Dunkirk and the mole as Servius Sulpicius in returning out of Asia when he
sailed from Ægina towards Megara did upon Corinth and Pyreus
»It was a thousand pities an please your honour to destroy these works
and a thousand pities to have let them stood«
Thou art right Trim in both cases said my uncle Toby This
continued the corporal is the reason that from the beginning of their
demolition to the end I have never once whistled or sung or laughd or
cryd or talkd of passd done deeds or told your honour one story good or bad
Thou hast many excellencies Trim said my uncle Toby and I hold it not
the least of them as thou happenest to be a storyteller that of the number
thou hast told me either to amuse me in my painful hours or divert me in my
grave ones thou hast seldom told me a bad one
Because an please your honour except one of a King of Bohemia and his
seven castles they are all true for they are about myself
I do not like the subject the worse Trim said my uncle Toby on that
score But prithee what is this story thou hast excited my curiosity
Ill tell it your honour quoth the corporal directly Provided said my
uncle Toby looking earnestly towards Dunkirk and the mole again provided it
is not a merry one to such Trim a man should ever bring one half of the
entertainment along with him and the disposition I am in at present would wrong
both thee Trim and thy story It is not a merry one by any means replied
the corporal Nor would I have it altogether a grave one added my uncle Toby
It is neither the one nor the other replied the corporal but will suit your
honour exactly Then Ill thank thee for it with all my heart cried my uncle
Toby so prithee begin it Trim
The corporal made his reverence and though it is not so easy a matter as
the world imagines to pull off a lank Monterocap with grace or a whit less
difficult in my conceptions when a man is sitting squat upon the ground to
make a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont yet by suffering
the palm of his right hand which was towards his master to slip backward upon
the grass a little beyond his body in order to allow it the greater sweep
and by an unforced compression at the same time of his cap with the thumb and
the two forefingers of his left by which the diameter of the cap became
reduced so that it might be said rather to be insensibly squeezd than
pulld off with a flatus the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better
manner than the posture of his affairs promised and having hemmed twice to
find in what key his story would best go and best suit his masters humour he
exchanged a single look of kinness with him and set off thus
The Story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles
There was a certain king of Bohe
As the corporal was entering the confines of Bohemia my uncle Toby obliged
him to halt for a single moment he had set out bareheaded having since he
pulld off his Monterocap in the latter end of the last chapter left it lying
beside him on the ground
The eye of Goodness espieth all things so that before the corporal had
well got through the first five words of his story had my uncle Toby twice
touchd his Monterocap with the end of his cane interrogatively as much as
to say Why dont you put it on Trim Trim took it up with most respectful
slowness and casting a glance of humiliation as he did it upon the embroidery
of the forepart which being dismally tarnishd and frayd moreover in some of
the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern he layd it down again
betwixt his two feet in order to moralize upon the subject
Tis every word of it but too true cried my uncle Toby that thou art
about to observe
»Nothing in this world Trim is made to last for ever«
But when tokens dear Tom of thy love and remembrance wear out said
Trim what shall we say
There is no occasion Trim quoth my uncle Toby to say any thing else and
was a man to puzzle his brains till Dooms day I believe Trim it would be
impossible
The corporal perceiving my uncle Toby was in the right and that it would be
in vain for the wit of man to think of extracting a purer moral from his cap
without further attempting it he put it on and passing his hand across his
forehead to rub out a pensive wrinkle which the text and the doctrine between
them had engenderd he returnd with the same look and tone of voice to his
story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles
The Story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles continued
There was a certain king of Bohemia but in whose reign except his own I am
not able to inform your honour
I do not desire it of thee Trim by any means cried my uncle Toby
It was a little before the time an please your honour when giants were
beginning to leave off breeding but in what year of our Lord that was
I would not give a halfpenny to know said my uncle Toby
Only an please your honour it makes a story look the better in the
face
Tis thy own Trim so ornament it after thy own fashion and take any
date continued my uncle Toby looking pleasantly upon him take any date in
the whole world thou choosest and put it to thou art heartily welcome
The corporal bowed for of every century and of every year of that century
from the first creation of the world down to Noahs flood and from Noahs flood
to the birth of Abraham through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs to the
departure of the Israelities out of Egypt and throughout all the Dynasties
Olympiads Urbeconditas and other memorable epochas of the different nations
of the world down to the coming of Christ and from thence to the very moment
in which the corporal was telling his story had my uncle Toby subjected this
vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet but as MODESTY scarce
touches with a finger what LIBERALITY offers her with both hands open the
corporal contented himself with the very worst year of the whole bunch which
to prevent your honours of the Majority and Minority from tearing the very flesh
off your bones in contestation Whether that year is not always the last
castyear of the last castalmanack I tell you plainly it was but from a
different reason than you wot of
It was the year next him which being the year of our Lord seventeen
hundred and twelve when the duke of Ormond was playing the devil in Flanders
the corporal took it and set out with it afresh on his expedition to Bohemia
The Story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles continued
In the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelve there was an
please your honour
To tell thee truly Trim quoth my uncle Toby any other date would have
pleased me much better not only on account of the sad stain upon our history
that year in marching off our troops and refusing to cover the siege of
Quesnoi though Fagel was carrying on the works with such incredible vigour
but likewise on the score Trim of thy own story because if there are and
which from what thou hast dropt I partly suspect to be the fact if there are
giants in it
There is but one an please your honour
Tis as bad as twenty replied my uncle Toby thou shouldst have
carried him back some seven or eight hundred years out of harms way both of
criticks and other people and therefore I would advise thee if ever thou
tellest it again
If I live an please your honour but once to get through it I will
never tell it again quoth Trim either to man woman or child Poo poo
said my uncle Toby but with accents of such sweet encouragement did he utter
it that the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity than ever
The Story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles continued
There was an please your honour said the corporal raising his voice and
rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily together as he begun a certain king
of Bohemia
Leave out the date entirely Trim quoth my uncle Toby leaning forwards
and laying his hand gently upon the corporals shoulder to temper the
interruption leave it out entirely Trim a story passes very well without
these niceties unless one is pretty sure of em Sure of em said the
corporal shaking his head
Right answered my uncle Toby it is not easy Trim for one bred up as
thou and I have been to arms who seldom looks further forward than to the end
of his musket or backwards beyond his knapsack to know much about this matter
God bless your honour said the corporal won by the manner of my uncle
Tobys reasoning as much as by the reasoning itself he has something else to
do if not on action or a march or upon duty in his garrison he has his
firelock an please your honour to furbish his accoutrements to take care of
his regimentals to mend himself to shave and keep clean so as to appear
always like what he is upon the parade what business added the corporal
triumphantly has a soldier an please your honour to know any thing at all of
geography
Thou wouldst have said chronology Trim said my uncle Toby for as for
geography tis of absolute use to him he must be acquainted intimately with
every country and its boundaries where his profession carries him he should
know every town and city and village and hamlet with the canals the roads
and hollow ways which lead up to them there is not a river or a rivulet he
passes Trim but he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is its name
in what mountains it takes its rise what is its course how far it is
navigable where fordable where not he should know the fertility of every
valley as well as the hind who ploughs it and be able to describe or if it
is required to give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles the forts
the acclivities the woods and morasses thro and by which his army is to
march he should know their produce their plants their minerals their waters
their animals their seasons their climates their heats and cold their
inhabitants their customs their language their policy and even their
religion
Is it else to be conceived corporal continued my uncle Toby rising up in
his sentrybox as he began to warm in this part of his discourse how
Marlborough could have marched his army from the banks of the Maes to Belburg
from Belburg to Kerpenord here the corporal could sit no longer from
Kerpenord Trim to Kalsaken from Kalsaken to Newdorf from Newdorf to
Landenbourg from Landenbourg to Mildenheim from Mildenheim to Elchingen from
Elchingen to Gingen from Gingen to Balmerchoffen from Balmerchoffen to
Skellenburg where he broke in upon the enemys works forced his passage over
the Danube crossd the Lech pushed on his troops into the heart of the
empire marching at the head of them through Friburg Hokenwert and Schonevelt
to the plains of Blenheim and Hochstet Great as he was corporal he could
not have advanced a step or made one single days march without the aids of
Geography As for Chronology I own Trim continued my uncle Toby sitting
down again coolly in his sentrybox that of all others it seems a science
which the soldier might best spare was it not for the lights which that science
must one day give him in determining the invention of powder the furious
execution of which renversing every thing like thunder before it has become a
new æra to us of military improvements changing so totally the nature of
attacks and defences both by sea and land and awakening so much art and skill
in doing it that the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precise time
of its discovery or too inquisitive in knowing what great man was the
discoverer and what occasions gave birth to it
I am far from controverting continued my uncle Toby what historians agree
in that in the year of our Lord 1380 under the reign of Wencelaus son of
Charles the fourth a certain priest whose name was Schwartz shewd the use
of powder to the Venetians in their wars against the Genoese but tis certain
he was not the first because if we are to believe Don Pedro the bishop of Leon
How came priests and bishops an please your honour to trouble their heads
so much about gunpowder God knows said my uncle Toby his providence brings
good out of every thing and he avers in his chronicle of King Alphonsus who
reduced Toledo That in the year 1343 which was full thirty seven years before
that time the secret of powder was well known and employed with success both
by Moors and Christians not only in their seacombats at that period but in
many of their most memorable sieges in Spain and Barbary And all the world
knows that Friar Bacon had wrote expressly about it and had generously given
the world a receipt to make it by above a hundred and fifty years before even
Schwartz was born And that the Chinese added my uncle Toby embarass us and
all accounts of it still more by boasting of the invention some hundreds of
years even before him
They are a pack of liars I believe cried Trim
They are some how or other deceived said my uncle Toby in this matter
as to plain to me from the present miserable state of military architecture
amongst them which consists of nothing more than a fossè with a brick wall
without flanks and for what they give us as a bastion at each angle of it
tis so barbarously constructed that it looks for all the world Like one of
my seven castles an please your honour quoth Trim
My uncle Toby tho in the utmost distress for a comparison most
courteously refused Trims offer till Trim telling him he had half a dozen in
Bohemia which he knew not how to get off his hands my uncle Toby was so
touchd with the pleasantry of heart of the corporal that he discontinued his
dissertation upon gunpowder and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with
his story of the King of Bohemia and his seven castles
The Story of the king of Bohemia and his seven castles continued
This unfortunate King of Bohemia said Trim Was he unfortunate then cried my
uncle Toby for he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gun and other
military affairs that tho he had desired the corporal to go on yet the many
interruptions he had given dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account
for the epithet Was he unfortunate then Trim said my uncle Toby
pathetically The corporal wishing first the word and all its synonimas at
the devil forthwith began to run back in his mind the principal events in the
King of Bohemias story from every one of which it appearing that he was the
most fortunate man that ever existed in the world it put the corporal to a
stand for not caring to retract his epithet and less to explain it and
least of all to twist his tale like men of lore to serve a system he
looked up in my uncle Tobys face for assistance but seeing it was the very
thing my uncle Toby sat in expectation of himself after a hum and a haw he
went on
The King of Bohemia an please your honour replied the corporal was
unfortunate as thus That taking great pleasure and delight in navigation and
all sort of seaaffairs and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of
Bohemia to be no seaport town whatever
How the duce should there Trim cried my uncle Toby for Bohemia being
totally inland it could have happend no otherwise It might said Trim if
it had pleased God
My uncle Toby never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God but
with diffidence and hesitation
I believe not replied my uncle Toby after some pause for being
inland as I said and having Silesia and Moravia to the east Lusatia and Upper
Saxony to the north Franconia to the west and Bavaria to the south Bohemia
could not have been propelld to the sea without ceasing to be Bohemia nor
could the sea on the other hand have come up to Bohemia without overflowing a
great part of Germany and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who
could make no defence against it Scandalous cried Trim Which would
bespeak added my uncle Toby mildly such a want of compassion in Him who is
the Father of it that I think Trim the thing could have happend no way
The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction and went on
Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one fine
summers evening to walk out Aye there the word happening is right Trim
cried my uncle Toby for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have walkd
out or let it alone twas a matter of contingency which might happen or
not just as chance ordered it
King William was of an opinion an please your honour quoth Trim that
every thing was predestined for us in this world insomuch that he would often
say to his soldiers that »every ball had its billet« He was a great man said
my uncle Toby And I believe continued Trim to this day that the shot which
disabled me at the battle of Landen was pointed at my knee for no other
purpose but to take me out of his service and place me in your honours where
I should be taken so much better care of in my old age It shall never Trim
be construed otherwise said my uncle Toby
The heart both of the master and the man were alike subject to sudden
overflowings a short silence ensued
Besides said the corporal resuming the discourse but in a gayer accent
if it had not been for that single shot I had never an please your honour
been in love
So thou wast once in love Trim said my uncle Toby smiling
Souse replied the corporal over head and ears an please your honour
Prithee when where and how came it to pass I never heard one word of it
before quoth my uncle Toby I dare say answered Trim that every drummer
and serjeants son in the regiment knew of it Its high time I should said
my uncle Toby
Your honour remembers with concern said the corporal the total rout and
confusion of our camp and army at the affair of Landen every one was left to
shift for himself and if it had not been for the regiments of Wyndham Lumley
and Galway which covered the retreat over the bridge of Neerspeeken the king
himself could scarce have gaind it he was pressd hard as your honour
knows on every side of him
Gallant mortal cried my uncle Toby caught up with enthusiasm this
moment now that all is lost I see him galloping across me corporal to the
left to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him to support the
right and tear the laurel from Luxembourgs brows if yet tis possible I
see him with the knot of his scarfe just shot off infusing fresh spirits into
poor Galways regiment riding along the line then wheeling about and
charging Conti at the head of it Brave brave by heaven cried my uncle Toby
he deserves a crown As richly as a thief a halter shouted Trim
My uncle Toby knew the corporals loyalty otherwise the comparison was
not at all to his mind it did not altogether strike the corporals fancy when
he had made it but it could not be recalld so he had nothing to do but
proceed
As the number of wounded was prodigious and no one had time to think of any
thing but his own safety Though Talmash said my uncle Toby brought off the
foot with great prudence But I was left upon the field said the corporal
Thou wast so poor fellow replied my uncle Toby So that it was noon the next
day continued the corporal before I was exchanged and put into a cart with
thirteen or fourteen more in order to be conveyd to our hospital
There is no part of the body an please your honour where a wound
occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the knee
Except the groin said my uncle Toby An please your honour replied the
corporal the knee in my opinion must certainly be the most acute there being
so many tendons and whatdyecallems all about it
It is for that reason quoth my uncle Toby that the groin is infinitely
more sensible there being not only as many tendons and whatdyecallems
for I know their names as little as thou dost about it but moreover
Mrs Wadman who had been all the time in her arbour instantly stoppd her
breath unpinnd her mob at the chin and stood up upon one leg
The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncle
Toby and Trim for some time till Trim at length recollecting that he had often
cried at his masters sufferings but never shed a tear at his own was for
giving up the point which my uncle Toby would not allow Tis a proof of
nothing Trim said he but the generosity of thy temper
So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin cæteris paribus is
greater than the pain of a wound in the knee or
Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of a
wound in the groin are points which to this day remain unsettled
Chap XX
The anguish of my knee continued the corporal was excessive in itself and the
uneasiness of the cart with the roughness of the roads which were terribly cut
up making bad still worse every step was death to me so that with the loss
of blood and the want of caretaking of me and a fever I felt coming on
besides Poor soul said my uncle Toby all together an please your honour
was more than I could sustain
I was telling my sufferings to a young woman at a peasants house where our
cart which was the last of the line had halted they had helpd me in and the
young woman had taken a cordial out of her pocket and droppd it upon some
sugar and seeing it had cheerd me she had given it me a second and a third
time So I was telling her an please your honour the anguish I was in and
was saying it was so intolerable to me that I had much rather lie down upon the
bed turning my face towards one which was in the corner of the room and die
than go on when upon her attempting to lead me to it I fainted away in her
arms She was a good soul as your honour said the corporal wiping his eyes
will hear
I thought love had been a joyous thing quoth my uncle Toby
Tis the most serious thing an please your honour sometimes that is in
the world
By the persuasion of the young woman continued the corporal the cart with
the wounded men set off without me she had assured them I should expire
immediately if I was put into the cart So when I came to myself I found
myself in a still quiet cottage with no one but the young woman and the
peasant and his wife I was laid across the bed in the corner of the room with
my wounded leg upon a chair and the young woman beside me holding the corner
of her handkerchief dippd in vinegar to my nose with one hand and rubbing my
temples with the other
I took her at first for the daughter of the peasant for it was no inn so
had offerd her a little purse with eighteen florins which my poor brother Tom
here Trim wipd his eyes had sent me as a token by a recruit just before he
set out for Lisbon
I never told your honour that piteous story yet here Trim wiped his
eyes a third time
The young woman calld the old man and his wife into the room to shew them
the money in order to gain me credit for a bed and what little necessaries I
should want till I should be in a condition to be got to the hospital Come
then said she tying up the little purse Ill be your banker but as that
office alone will not keep me employd Ill be your nurse too
I thought by her manner of speaking this as well as by her dress which I
then began to consider more attentively that the young woman could not be the
daughter of the peasant
She was in black down to her toes with her hair conceald under a cambrick
border laid close to her forehead she was one of those kind of nuns an
please your honour of which your honour knows there are a good many in
Flanders which they let go loose By thy description Trim said my uncle
Toby I dare say she was a young Beguine of which there are none to be found
any where but in the Spanish Netherlands except at Amsterdam they differ
from nuns in this that they can quit their cloister if they choose to marry
they visit and take care of the sick by profession I had rather for my own
part they did it out of goodnature
She often told me quoth Trim she did it for the love of Christ I did
not like it I believe Trim we are both wrong said my uncle Toby well
ask Mr Yorick about it tonight at my brother Shandys so put me in mind
added my uncle Toby
The young Beguine continued the corporal had scarce given herself time to
tell me »she would be my nurse« when she hastily turned about to begin the
office of one and prepare something for me and in a short time though I
thought it a long one she came back with flannels etc etc and having
fomented my knee soundly for a couple of hours etc and made me a thin basin of
gruel for my supper she wishd me rest and promised to be with me early in
the morning She wishd me an please your honour what was not to be had
My fever ran very high that nighther figure made sad disturbance within me I
was every moment cutting the world in two to give her half of it and every
moment was I crying That I had nothing but a knapsack and eighteen florins to
share with her The whole night long was the fair Beguine like an angel
close by my bedside holding back my curtain and offering me cordials and I
was only awakened from my dream by her coming there at the hour promised and
giving them in reality In truth she was scarce ever from me and so accustomed
was I to receive life from her hands that my heart sickened and I lost colour
when she left the room and yet continued the corporal making one of the
strangest reflections upon it in the world
»It was not love« for during the three weeks she was almost constantly
with me fomenting my knee with her hand night and day I can honestly say
an please your honour that once
That was very odd Trim quoth my uncle Toby
I think so too said Mrs Wadman
It never did said the corporal
Chap XXI
But tis no marvel continued the corporal seeing my uncle Toby musing upon
it for Love an please your honour is exactly like war in this that a
soldier though he has escaped three weeks compleat o Saturdaynight may
nevertheless be shot through his heart on Sunday morning It happened so here
an please your honour with this difference only that it was on Sunday in the
afternoon when I fell in love all at once with a sisserara it burst upon me
an please your honour like a bomb scarce giving me time to say »God bless
me«
I thought Trim said my uncle Toby a man never fell in love so very
suddenly
Yes an please your honour if he is in the way of it replied Trim
I prithee quoth my uncle Toby inform me how this matter happened
With all pleasure said the corporal making a bow
Chap XXII
I Had escaped continued the corporal all that time from falling in love and
had gone on to the end of the chapter had it not been predestined otherwise
there is no resisting our fate
It was on a Sunday in the afternoon as I told your honour
The old man and his wife had walked out
Every thing was still and hush as midnight about the house
There was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the yard
When the fair Beguine came in to see me
My wound was then in a fair way of doing well the inflammation had been
gone off for some time but it was succeeded with an itching both above and
below my knee so insufferable that I had not shut my eyes the whole night for
it
Let me see it said she kneeling down upon the ground parallel to my knee
and laying her hand upon the part below it It only wants rubbing a little
said the Beguine so covering it with the bed cloaths she began with the
forefinger of her righthand to rub under my knee guiding her forefinger
backwards and forwards by the edge of the flannel which kept on the dressing
In five or six minutes I felt slightly the end of her second finger and
presently it was laid flat with the other and she continued rubbing in that way
round and round for a good while it then came into my head that I should fall
in love I blushd when I saw how white a hand she had I shall never an
please your honour behold another hand so white whilst I live
Not in that place said my uncle Toby
Though it was the most serious affair in nature to the corporal he could
not forbear smiling
The young Beguine continued the corporal perceiving it was of great
service to me from rubbing for some time with two fingers proceeded to rub
at length with three till by little and little she brought down the fourth
and then rubbd with her whole hand I will never say another word an please
your honour upon hands again but it was softer than satin
Prithee Trim commend it as much as thou wilt said my uncle Toby I
shall hear thy story with the more delight The corporal thankd his master
most unfeignedly but having nothing to say upon the Beguines hand but the same
over again he proceeded to the effects of it
The fair Beguine said the corporal continued rubbing with her whole hand
under my knee till I feard her zeal would weary her »I would do a thousand
times more« said she »for the love of Christ« In saying which she passd
her hand across the flannel to the part above my knee which I had equally
complained of and rubbd it also
I perceived then I was beginning to be in love
As she continued rubrubrubbing I felt it spread from under her hand an
please your honour to every part of my frame
The more she rubbd and the longer strokes she took the more the fire
kindled in my veins till at length by two or three strokes longer than the
rest my passion rose to the highest pitch I seizd her hand
And then thou clappedst it to thy lips Trim said my uncle Toby and
madest a speech
Whether the corporals amour terminated precisely in the way my uncle Toby
described it is not material it is enough that it containd in it the essence
of all the loveromances which ever have been wrote since the beginning of the
world
Chap XXIII
As soon as the corporal had finished the story of his amour or rather my uncle
Toby for him Mrs Wadman silently sallied forth from her arbour replaced the
pin in her mob passd the wickergate and advanced slowly towards my uncle
Tobys sentrybox the disposition which Trim had made in my uncle Tobys mind
was too favourable a crisis to be let slippd
The attack was determind upon it was facilitated still more by my uncle
Tobys having ordered the corporal to wheel off the pioneers shovel the spade
the pickaxe the picquets and other military stores which lay scatterd upon
the ground where Dunkirk stood The corporal had marchd the field was clear
Now consider Sir what nonsense it is either in fighting or writing or
any thing else whether in rhyme to it or not which a man has occasion to do
to act by plan for if ever Plan independent of all circumstances deserved
registering in letters of gold I mean in the archives of Gotham it was
certainly the PLAN of Mrs Wadmans attack of my uncle Toby in his sentrybox
BY PLAN Now the Plan hanging up in it at this juncture being the Plan of
Dunkirk and the tale of Dunkirk a tale of relaxation it opposed every
impression she could make and besides could she have gone upon it the
manoeuvre of fingers and hands in the attack of the sentrybox was so outdone
by that of the fair Beguines in Trims story that just then that particular
attack however successful before became the most heartless attack that could
be made
O let woman alone for this Mrs Wadman had scarce opend the wickergate
when her genius sported with the change of circumstances
She formed a new attack in a moment
Chap XXIV
I am half distracted captain Shandy said Mrs Wadman holding up her
cambrick handkerchief to her left eye as she approachd the door of my uncle
Tobys sentrybox a mote or sand or something I know not what has
got into this eye of mine do look into it it is not in the white
In saying which Mrs Wadman edged herself close in beside my uncle Toby
and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his bench she gave him an
opportunity of doing it without rising up Do look into it said she
Honest soul thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heart as
ever child lookd into a rareeshewbox and twere as much a sin to have hurt
thee
If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things of that nature
Ive nothing to say to it
My uncle Toby never did and I will answer for him that he would have sat
quietly upon a sopha from June to January which you know takes in both the
hot and cold months with an eye as fine as the Thracian33 Rodopes besides him
without being able to tell whether it was a black or a blue one
The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby to look at one at all
Tis surmounted And
I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand and the ashes falling
out of it looking and looking then rubbing his eyes and looking again
with twice the good nature that ever Gallileo lookd for a spot in the sun
In vain for by all the powers which animate the organ Widow Wadmans
left eye shines this moment as lucid as her right there is neither mote or
sand or dust or chaff or speck or particle of opake matter floating in it
There is nothing my dear paternal uncle but one lambent delicious fire
furtively shooting out from every part of it in all directions into thine
If thou lookest uncle Toby in search of this mote one moment longer
thou art undone
Chap XXV
An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon in this respect That it is
not so much the eye or the cannon in themselves as it is the carriage of the
eye and the carriage of the cannon by which both the one and the other are
enabled to do so much execution I dont think the comparison a bad one
However as tis made and placed at the head of the chapter as much for use as
ornament all I desire in return is that whenever I speak of Mrs Wadmans
eyes except once in the next period that you keep it in your fancy
I protest Madam said my uncle Toby I can see nothing whatever in your
eye
It is not in the white said Mrs Wadman my uncle Toby lookd with might
and main into the pupil
Now of all the eyes which ever were created from your own Madam up to
those of Venus herself which certainly were as venereal a pair of eyes as ever
stood in a head there never was an eye of them all so fitted to rob my uncle
Toby of his repose as the very eye at which he was looking it was not
Madam a rolling eye a romping or a wanton one nor was it an eye sparkling
petulant or imperious of high claims and terrifying exactions which would
have curdled at once that milk of human nature of which my uncle Toby was made
up but twas an eye full of gentle salutations and soft responses
speaking not like the trumpet stop of some illmade organ in which many an
eye I talk to holds coarse convers but whispering soft like the last low
accents of an expiring saint »How can you live comfortless captain Shandy
and alone without a bosom to lean your head on or trust your cares to«
It was an eye
But I shall be in love with it myself if I say another word about it
It did my uncle Tobys business
Chap XXVI
There is nothing shews the characters of my father and my uncle Toby in a more
entertaining light than their different manner of deportment under the same
accident for I call not love a misfortune from a persuasion that a mans
heart is ever the better for it Great God what must my uncle Tobys have
been when twas all benignity without it
My father as appears from many of his papers was very subject to this
passion before he married but from a little subacid kind of drollish
impatience in his nature whenever it befell him he would never submit to it
like a christian but would pish and huff and bounce and kick and play the
Devil and write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye that ever man wrote
there is one in verse upon some bodys eye or other that for two or three
nights together had put him by his rest which in his first transport of
resentment against it he begins thus
»A Devil tis and mischief such doth work
As never yet did Pagan Jew or Turk«34
In short during the whole paroxism my father was all abuse and foul language
approaching rather towards malediction only he did not do it with as much
method as Ernulphus he was too impetuous nor with Ernulphuss policy for
tho my father with the most intolerant spirit would curse both this and that
and every thing under heaven which was either aiding or abetting to his love
yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it without cursing himself in at
the bargain as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs he would say that
ever was let loose in the world
My uncle Toby on the contrary took it like a lamb sat still and let the
poison work in his veins without resistance in the sharpest exacerbations of
his wound like that on his groin he never dropt one fretful or discontented
word he blamed neither heaven nor earth or thought or spoke an injurious
thing of any body or any part of it he sat solitary and pensive with his pipe
looking at his lame leg then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho which
mixing with the smoak incommoded no one mortal
He took it like a lamb I say
In truth he had mistook it at first for having taken a ride with my father
that very morning to save if possible a beautiful wood which the dean and
chapter were hewing down to give the poor35 which said wood being in full view
of my uncle Tobys house and of singular service to him in his description of
the battle of Wynnendale by trotting on too hastily to save it upon an
uneasy saddle worse horse etc etc it had so happened that the serous
part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins in the nethermost part of my
uncle Toby the first shootings of which as my uncle Toby had no experience
of love he had taken for a part of the passion till the blister breaking in
the one case and the other remaining my uncle Toby was presently convinced
that his wound was not a skindeepwound but that it had gone to his heart
Chap XXVII
The world is ashamed of being virtuous My uncle Toby knew little of the
world and therefore when he felt he was in love with Widow Wadman he had no
conception that the thing was any more to be made a mystery of than if Mrs
Wadman had given him a cut with a gapd knife across his finger Had it been
otherwise yet as he ever lookd upon Trim as a humble friend and saw fresh
reasons every day of his life to treat him as such it would have made no
variation in the manner in which he informed him of the affair
»I am in love corporal« quoth my uncle Toby
Chap XXVIII
In love said the corporal your honour was very well the day before
yesterday when I was telling your honour the story of the King of Bohemia
Bohemia said my uncle Toby musing a long time What became of that
story Trim
We lost it an please your honour somehow betwixt us but your honour
was as free from love then as I am twas just whilst thou wentst off with
the wheelbarrow with Mrs Wadman quoth my uncle Toby She has left a ball
here added my uncle Toby pointing to his breast
She can no more an please your honour stand a siege than she can fly
cried the corporal
But as we are neighbours Trim the best way I think is to let her know
it civilly first quoth my uncle Toby
Now if I might presume said the corporal to differ from your honour
Why else do I talk to thee Trim said my uncle Toby mildly
Then I would begin an please your honour with making a good thundering
attack upon her in return and telling her civilly afterwards for if she
knows any thing of your honours being in love before hand Ld help her
she knows no more at present of it Trim said my uncle Toby than the child
unborn
Precious souls
Mrs Wadman had told it with all its circumstances to Mrs Bridget
twentyfour hours before and was at that very moment sitting in council with
her touching some slight misgivings with regard to the issue of the affair
which the Devil who never lies dead in a ditch had put into her head before
he would allow half time to get quietly through her te Deum
I am terribly afraid said widow Wadman in case I should marry him Bridget
that the poor captain will not enjoy his health with the monstrous wound upon
his groin
It may not Madam be so very large replied Bridget as you think and I
believe besides added she that tis dried up
I could like to know merely for his sake said Mrs Wadman
Well know the long and the broad of it in ten days answered Mrs
Bridget for whilst the captain is paying his addresses to you Im confident
Mr Trim will be for making love to me and Ill let him as much as he will
added Bridget to get it all out of him
The measures were taken at once and my uncle Toby and the corporal went
on with theirs
Now quoth the corporal setting his left hand a kimbo and giving such a
flourish with his right as just promised success and no more if your
honour will give me leave to lay down the plan of this attack
Thou wilt please me by it Trim said my uncle Toby exceedingly and as
I foresee thou must act in it as my aid de camp heres a crown corporal to
begin with to steep thy commission
Then an please your honour said the corporal making a bow first for his
commission we will begin with getting your honours laced cloaths out of the
great campaigntrunk to be wellaird and have the blue and gold taken up at
the sleeves and Ill put vour white ramalliewig fresh into pipes and send
for a taylor to have your honours thin scarlet breeches turnd
I had better take the red plush ones quoth my uncle Toby They will be
too clumsy said the corporal
Chap XXIX
Thou wilt get a brush and a little chalk to my sword
Twill be only in your honours way replied Trim
Chap XXX
But your honours two razors shall be new set and I will get my Monterocap
furbishd up and put on poor lieutenant Le Fevers regimental coat which your
honour gave me to wear for his sake and as soon as your honour is clean shaved
and has got your clean shirt on with your blue and gold or your fine scarlet
sometimes one and sometimes tother and every thing is ready for the attack
well march up boldly as if twas to the face of a bastion and whilst your
honour engages Mrs Wadman in the parlour to the right Ill attack Mrs
Bridget in the kitchen to the left and having seizd that pass Ill answer
for it said the corporal snapping his fingers over his head that the day is
our own
I wish I may but manage it right said my uncle Toby but I declare
corporal I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench
A woman is quite a different thing said the corporal
I suppose so quoth my uncle Toby
Chap XXXI
If any thing in this world which my father said could have provoked my uncle
Toby during the time he was in love it was the perverse use my father was
always making of an expression of Hilarion the hermit who in speaking of his
abstinence his watchings flagellations and other instrumental parts of his
religion would say tho with more facetiousness than became an hermit
»That they were the means he used to make his ass meaning his body leave off
kicking«
It pleased my father well it was not only a laconick way of expressing
but of libelling at the same time the desires and appetites of the lower part
of us so that for many years of my fathers life twas his constant mode of
expression he never used the word passions once but ass always instead of
them So that he might be said truly to have been upon the bones or the back
of his own ass or else of some other mans during all that time
I must here observe to you the difference betwixt
My fathers ass
and my hobbyhorse in order to keep characters
as separate as may be in our fancies as we go along
For my hobbyhorse if you recollect a little is no way a vicious beast he
has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about him Tis the sporting
little fillyfolly which carries you out for the present hour a maggot a
butterfly a picture a fiddlestick an uncle Tobys siege or an any thing
which a man makes a shift to get a stride on to canter it away from the cares
and solicitudes of life Tis as useful a beast as is in the whole creation
nor do I really see how the world could do without it
But for my fathers ass oh mount him mount him mount him
thats three times is it not mount him not tis a beast concupiscent
and foul befall the man who does not hinder him from kicking
Chap XXXII
Well dear brother Toby said my father upon his first seeing him after he fell
in love and how goes it with your Asse
Now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blister
than of Hilarions metaphor and our preconceptions having you know as great
a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things he had imagined that
my father who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words had enquired
after the part by its proper name so notwithstanding my mother doctor Slop
and Mr Yorick were sitting in the parlour he thought it rather civil to
conform to the term my father had made use of than not When a man is hemmd in
by two indecorums and must commit one of em I always observe let him
choose which he will the world will blame him so I should not be astonished
if it blames my uncle Toby
My Ae quoth my uncle Toby is much better brother Shandy My father
had formed great expectations from his Asse in this onset and would have
brought him on again but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laugh and my
mother crying out L bless us it drove my fathers Asse off the field and
the laugh then becoming general there was no bringing him back to the charge
for some time
And so the discourse went on without him
Every body said my mother says you are in love brother Toby and we hope
it is true
I am as much in love sister I believe replied my uncle Toby as any man
usually is Humph said my father and when did you know it quoth my mother
When the blister broke replied my uncle Toby
My uncle Tobys reply put my father into good temper so he charged ofoot
Chap XXXIII
As the antients agree brother Toby said my father that there are two
different and distinct kinds of love according to the different parts which are
affected by it the Brain or Liver I think when a man is in love it behoves
him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into
What signifies it brother Shandy replied my uncle Toby which of the two
it is provided it will but make a man marry and love his wife and get a few
children
A few children cried my father rising out of his chair and looking
full in my mothers face as he forced his way betwixt hers and doctor Slops
a few children cried my father repeating my uncle Tobys words as he walkd to
and fro
Not my dear brother Toby cried my father recovering himself all at
once and coming close up to the back of my uncle Tobys chair not that I
should be sorry hadst thou a score on the contrary I should rejoice and be
as kind Toby to every one of them as a father
My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair to give my
fathers a squeeze
Nay moreover continued he keeping hold of my uncle Tobys hand so
much dost thou possess my dear Toby of the milk of human nature and so
little of its asperities tis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures
which resemble thee and was I an Asiatick monarch added my father heating
himself with his new project I would oblige thee providing it would not
impair thy strength or dry up thy radical moisture too fast or weaken thy
memory or fancy brother Toby which these gymnicks inordinately taken are apt
to do else dear Toby I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my
empire and I would oblige thee nolens volens to beget for me one subject
every month
As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence my mother took a
pinch of snuff
Now I would not quoth my uncle Toby get a child nolens volens that is
whether I would or no to please the greatest prince upon earth
And twould be cruel in me brother Toby to compell thee said my father
but tis a case put to shew thee that it is not thy begetting a child in
case thou shouldst be able but the system of Love and marriage thou goest
upon which I would set thee right in
There is at least said Yorick a great deal of reason and plain sense in
captain Shandys opinion of love and tis amongst the ill spent hours of my
life which I have to answer for that I have read so many flourishing poets and
rhetoricians in my time from whom I never could extract so much
I wish Yorick said my father you had read Plato for there you would have
learnt that there are two LOVES I know there were two RELIGIONS replied
Yorick amongst the ancients one for the vulgar and another for the
learned but I think ONE LOVE might have served both of them very well
It could not replied my father and for the same reasons for of these
LOVES according to Ficinuss comment upon Velasius the one is rational
the other is natural
the first ancient without mother where Venus had nothing to do the
second begotten of Jupiter and Dione
Pray brother quoth my uncle Toby what has a man who believes in God to
do with this My father could not stop to answer for fear of breaking the
thread of his discourse
This latter continued he partakes wholly of the nature of Venus
The first which is the golden chain let down from heaven excites to love
heroic which comprehends in it and excites to the desire of philosophy and
truth the second excites to desire simply
I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world said
Yorick as the finding out the longitude
To be sure said my mother love keeps peace in the world
In the house my dear I own It replenishes the earth said my mother
But it keeps heaven empty my dear replied my father
Tis Virginity cried Slop triumphantly which fills paradise
Well pushd nun quoth my father
Chap XXXIV
My father had such a skirmishing cutting kind of a slashing way with him in his
disputations thrusting and ripping and giving every one a stroke to remember
him by in his turn that if there were twenty people in company in less than
half an hour he was sure to have every one of em against him
What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally was
that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest he would be sure to
throw himself into it and to do him justice when he was once there he would
defend it so gallantly that twould have been a concern either to a brave man
or a goodnatured one to have seen him driven out
Yorick for this reason though he would often attack him yet could never
bear to do it with all his force
Doctor Slops VIRGINITY in the close of the last chapter had got him for
once on the right side of the rampart and he was beginning to blow up all the
convents in Christendom about Slops ears when corporal Trim came into the
parlour to inform my uncle Toby that his thin scarlet breeches in which the
attack was to be made upon Mrs Wadman would not do for that the taylor in
ripping them up in order to turn them had found they had been turnd before
Then turn them again brother said my father rapidly for there will be many a
turning of em yet before alls done in the affair They are as rotten as
dirt said the corporal Then by all means said my father bespeak a new
pair brother for though I know continued my father turning himself to the
company that Widow Wadman has been deeply in love with my brother Toby for many
years and has used every art and circumvention of woman to outwit him into the
same passion yet now that she has caught him her fever will be passd its
height
She has gaind her point
In this case continued my father which Plato I am persuaded never
thought of Love you see is not so much a SENTIMENT as a SITUATION into
which a man enters as my brother Toby would do into a corps no matter
whether he loves the service or no being once in it he acts as if he did
and takes every step to shew himself a man of prowesse
The hypothesis like the rest of my fathers was plausible enough and my
uncle Toby had but a single word to object to it in which Trim stood ready to
second him but my father had not drawn his conclusion
For this reason continued my father stating the case over again
notwithstanding all the world knows that Mrs Wadman affects my brother Toby
and my brother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs Wadman and no obstacle in nature
to forbid the music striking up this very night yet will I answer for it that
this selfsame tune will not be playd this twelvemonth
We have taken our measures badly quoth my uncle Toby looking up
interrogatively in Trims face
I would lay my Monterocap said Trim Now Trims Monterocap as I once
told you was his constant wager and having furbishd it up that very night in
order to go upon the attack it made the odds look more considerable I would
lay an please your honour my Monterocap to a shilling was it proper
continued Trim making a bow to offer a wager before your honours
There is nothing improper in it said my father tis a mode of
expression for in saying thou wouldst lay thy Monterocap to a shilling all
thou meanest is this that thou believest
Now What dost thou believe
That widow Wadman an please your worship cannot hold it out ten days
And whence cried Slop peeringly hast thou all this knowledge of woman
friend
By falling in love with a popish clergywoman said Trim
Twas a Beguine said my uncle Toby
Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction and my
father taking that very crisis to fall in helterskelter upon the whole order of
Nuns and Beguines a set of silly fusty baggages Slop could not stand it
and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his breeches and Yorick
about his fourth general division in order for their several attacks next day
the company broke up and my father being left alone and having half an hour
upon his hands betwixt that and bedtime he called for pen ink and paper and
wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions
My dear brother Toby
What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women and of
lovemaking to them and perhaps it is as well for thee tho not so
well for me that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon
that head and that I am able to write it to thee
Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots and
thou no sufferer by the knowledge I had been well content that thou
shouldst have dippd the pen this moment into the ink instead of
myself but that not being the case Mrs Shandy being now close
besides me preparing for bed I have thrown together without order
and just as they have come into my mind such hints and documents as I
deem may be of use to thee intending in this to give thee a token of
my love not doubting my dear Toby of the manner in which it will be
accepted
In the first place with regard to all which concerns religion in
the affair though I perceive from a glow in my cheek that I blush as
I begin to speak to thee upon the subject as well knowing
notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy how few of its offices thou
neglectest yet I would remind thee of one during the continuance of
thy courtship in a particular manner which I would not have omitted
and that is never to go forth upon the enterprize whether it be in the
morning or the afternoon without first recommending thyself to the
protection of Almighty God that he may defend thee from the evil one
Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or
five days but oftner if convenient lest in taking off thy wig before
her thro absence of mind she should be able to discover how much has
been cut away by Time how much by Trim
Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy
Always carry it in thy mind and act upon it as a sure maxim Toby
»That women are timid« And tis well they are else there would
be no dealing with them
Let not thy breeches be too tight or hang too loose about thy
thighs like the trunkhose of our ancestors
A just medium prevents all conclusions
Whatever thou hast to say be it more or less forget not to utter
it in a low soft tone of voice Silence and whatever approaches it
weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain For this cause if
thou canst help it never throw down the tongs and poker
Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse
with her and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time to keep
from her all books and writings which tend thereto there are some
devotional tracts which if thou canst entice her to read over it will
be well but suffer her not to look into Rabelais or Scarron or Don
Quixote
They are all books which excite laughter and thou knowest dear
Toby that there is no passion so serious as lust
Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt before thou enterest her
parlour
And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with her and
she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers beware of taking it
thou canst not lay thy hand on hers but she will feel the temper of
thine Leave that and as many other things as thou canst quite
undetermined by so doing thou will have her curiosity on thy side and
if she is not conquerd by that and thy Asse continues still kicking
which there is great reason to suppose Thou must begin with first
losing a few ounces of blood below the ears according to the practice
of the ancient Scythians who cured the most intemperate fits of the
appetite by that means
Avicenna after this is for having the part anointed with the
syrrup of hellebore using proper evacuations and purges and I
believe rightly But thou must eat little or no goats flesh nor red
deer nor even foals flesh by any means and carefully abstain
that is as much as thou canst from peacocks cranes coots didappers
and waterhens
As for thy drink I need not tell thee it must be the infusion of
VERVAIN and the herb HANEA of which Ælian relates such effects but
if thy stomach palls with it discontinue it from time to time taking
cucumbers melons purslane waterlillies woodbine and lettice in
the stead of them
There is nothing further for thee which occurs to me at present
Unless the breaking out of a fresh war So wishing every thing
dear Toby for the best
I rest thy affectionate brother
WALTER SHANDY
Chap XXXV
Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions my uncle Toby and the
corporal were busy in preparing every thing for the attack As the turning of
the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside at least for the present there was
nothing which should put it off beyond the next morning so accordingly it was
resolvd upon for eleven oclock
Come my dear said my father to my mother twill be but like a brother
and sister if you and I take a walk down to my brother Tobys to countenance
him in this attack of his
My uncle Toby and the corporal had been accoutred both some time when my
father and mother enterd and the clock striking eleven were that moment in
motion to sally forth but the account of this is worth more than to be wove
into the fag end of the eighth volume of such a work as this My father had
no time but to put the letter of instructions into my uncle Tobys coatpocket
and join with my mother in wishing his attack prosperous
I could like said my mother to look through the keyhole out of curiosity
Call it by its right name my dear quoth my father
And look through the keyhole as long as you will
End of the Eighth Volume
Vol IX
Si quid urbaniusculè lusum a nobis per Musas et Charitas et omnium
poetarum Numina Oro te ne me malè capias
A Dedication to a Great Man
Having a priori intended to dedicate The Amours of my uncle Toby to Mr
I see more reasons a posteriori for doing it to Lord
I should lament from my soul if this exposed me to the jealousy of their
Reverences because a posteriori in Courtlatin signifies the kissing hands
for preferment or any thing else in order to get it
My opinion of Lord is neither better nor worse than it was
of Mr Honours like impressions upon coin may give an ideal and local
value to a bit of base metal but Gold and Silver will pass all the world over
without any other recommendation than their own weight
The same good will that made me think of offering up half an hours
amusement to Mr when out of place operates more forcibly at present as
half an hours amusement will be more serviceable and refreshing after labour
and sorrow than after a philosophical repast
Nothing is so perfectly amusement as a total change of ideas no ideas are
so totally different as those of Ministers and innocent Lovers for which
reason when I come to talk of Statesmen and Patriots and set such marks upon
them as will prevent confusion and mistakes concerning them for the future I
propose to dedicate that Volume to some gentle Shepherd
Whose Thoughts proud Science never taught to stray
Far as the Statesmans walk or Patriotway
Yet simple Nature to his hopes had given
Out of a cloudcappd head a humbler heaven
Some untamd World in depth of woods embraced
Some happier Island in the watrywaste
And where admitted to that equal sky
His faithful Dogs should bear him company
In a word by thus introducing an entire new set of objects to his Imagination
I shall unavoidably give a Diversion to his passionate and lovesick
Contemplations In the mean time
I am
The AUTHOR
Chap I
I Call all the powers of time and chance which severally check us in our
careers in this world to bear me witness that I could never yet get fairly to
my uncle Tobys amours till this very moment that my mothers curiosity as
she stated the affair or a different impulse in her as my father would have
it wished her to take a peep at them through the keyhole
»Call it my dear by its right name quoth my father and look through the
keyhole as long as you will«
Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour which I have
often spoken of in my fathers habit could have vented such an insinuation
he was however frank and generous in his nature and at all times open to
conviction so that he had scarce got to the last word of this ungracious
retort when his conscience smote him
My mother was then conjugally swinging with her left arm twisted under his
right in such wise that the inside of her hand rested upon the back of his
she raised her fingers and let them fall it could scarce be calld a tap or
if it was a tap twould have puzzled a casuist to say whether twas a tap of
remonstrance or a tap of confession my father who was all sensibilities from
head to foot classd it right Conscience redoubled her blow he turnd his
face suddenly the other way and my mother supposing his body was about to turn
with it in order to move homewards by a cross movement of her right leg
keeping her left as its centre brought herself so far in front that as he
turned his head he met her eye Confusion again he saw a thousand reasons to
wipe out the reproach and as many to reproach himself a thin blue chill
pellucid chrystal with all its humours so at rest the least mote or speck of
desire might have been seen at the bottom of it had it existed it did not
and how I happen to be so lewd myself particularly a little before the vernal
and autumnal equinoxes Heaven above knows My mother madam was so at
no time either by nature by institution or example
A temperate current of blood ran orderly through her veins in all months of
the year and in all critical moments both of the day and night alike nor did
she superinduce the least heat into her humours from the manual effervescencies
of devotional tracts which having little or no meaning in them nature is oft
times obliged to find one And as for my fathers example twas so far from
being either aiding or abetting thereunto that twas the whole business of his
life to keep all fancies of that kind out of her head Nature had done her
part to have spared him this trouble and what was not a little inconsistent
my father knew it And here am I sitting this 12th day of August 1766 in a
purple jerkin and yellow pair of slippers without either wig or cap on a most
tragicomical completion of his prediction »That I should neither think nor act
like any other mans child upon that very account«
The mistake of my father was in attacking my mothers motive instead of
the act itself for certainly keyholes were made for other purposes and
considering the act as an act which interfered with a true proposition and
denied a keyhole to be what it was it became a violation of nature and was
so far you see criminal
It is for this reason an please your Reverences That keyholes are the
occasions of more sin and wickedness than all other holes in this world put
together
which leads me to my uncle Tobys amours
Chap II
Though the Corporal had been as good as his word in putting my uncle Tobys
great ramalliewig into pipes yet the time was too short to produce any great
effects from it it had lain many years squeezed up in the corner of his old
campaign trunk and as bad forms are not so easy to be got the better of and
the use of candleends not so well understood it was not so pliable a business
as one would have wished The corporal with cheary eye and both arms extended
had fallen back perpendicular from it a score times to inspire it if possible
with a better air had SPLEEN given a look at it twould have cost her
ladyship a smile it curld every where but where the corporal would have it
and where a buckle or two in his opinion would have done it honour he could
as soon have raised the dead
Such it was or rather such would it have seemd upon any other brow but
the sweet look of goodness which sat upon my uncle Tobys assimulated every
thing around it so sovereignly to itself and Nature had moreover wrote
GENTLEMAN with so fair a hand in every line of his countenance that even his
tarnishd goldlaced hat and huge cockade of flimsy taffeta became him and
though not worth a button in themselves yet the moment my uncle Toby put them
on they became serious objects and altogether seemd to have been picked up by
the hand of Science to set him off to advantage
Nothing in this world could have cooperated more powerfully towards this
than my uncle Tobys blue and gold had not Quantity in some measure been
necessary to Grace in a period of fifteen or sixteen years since they had been
made by a total inactivity in my uncle Tobys life for he seldom went further
than the bowlinggreen his blue and gold had become so miserably too strait
for him that it was with the utmost difficulty the Corporal was able to get him
into them the taking them up at the sleeves was of no advantage They were
laced however down the back and at the seams of the sides etc in the mode of
King Williams reign and to shorten all description they shone so bright
against the sun that morning and had so metallick and doughty an air with
them that had my uncle Toby thought of attacking in armour nothing could have
so well imposed upon his imagination
As for the thin scarlet breeches they had been unrippd by the taylor
between the legs and left at sixes and sevens
Yes Madam but let us govern our fancies It is enough they were held
impracticable the night before and as there was no alternative in my uncle
Tobys wardrobe he sallied forth in the red plush
The Corporal had arrayd himself in poor Le Fevers regimental coat and
with his hair tuckd up under his Monterocap which he had furbishd up for the
occasion marchd three paces distant from his master a whiff of military pride
had puffd out his shirt at the wrist and upon that in a black leather thong
clippd into a tassel beyond the knot hung the Corporals stick My uncle
Toby carried his cane like a pike
It looks well at least quoth my father to himself
Chap III
My uncle Toby turnd his head more than once behind him to see how he was
supported by the Corporal and the Corporal as oft as he did it gave a slight
flourish with his stick but not vapouringly and with the sweetest accent of
most respectful encouragement bid his honour never fear
Now my uncle Toby did fear and grievously too he knew not as my father
had reproachd him so much as the right end of a Woman from the wrong and
therefore was never altogether at his ease near any one of them unless in
sorrow or distress then infinite was his pity nor would the most courteous
knight of romance have gone further at least upon one leg to have wiped away a
tear from a womans eye and yet excepting once that he was beguiled into it by
Mrs Wadman he had never looked stedfastly into one and would often tell my
father in the simplicity of his heart that it was almost if not alout as bad
as talking bawdy
And suppose it is my father would say
Chap IV
She cannot quoth my uncle Toby halting when they had marchd up to within
twenty paces of Mrs Wadmans door she cannot Corporal take it amiss
She will take it an please your honour said the Corporal just as the
Jews widow at Lisbon took it of my brother Tom
And how was that quoth my uncle Toby facing quite about to the
Corporal
Your honour replied the Corporal knows of Toms misfortunes but this
affair has nothing to do with them any further than this That if Tom had not
married the widow or had it pleased God after their marriage that they had
but put pork into their sausages the honest soul had never been taken out of
his warm bed and draggd to the inquisition Tis a cursed place added the
Corporal shaking his head when once a poor creature is in he is in an
please your honour for ever
Tis very true said my uncle Toby looking gravely at Mrs Wadmans house
as he spoke
Nothing continued the Corporal can be so sad as confinement for life or
so sweet an please your honour as liberty
Nothing Trim said my uncle Toby musing
Whilst a man is free cried the corporal giving a flourish with his stick
thus
A thousand of my fathers most subtle syllogisms could not have said more for
celibacy
My uncle Toby lookd earnestly towards his cottage and his bowling green
The Corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with his
wand and he had nothing to do but to conjure him down again with his story
and in this form of Exorcism most unecclesiastically did the Corporal do it
Chap V
As Toms place an please your honour was easy and the weather warm it put
him upon thinking seriously of settling himself in the world and as it fell out
about that time that a Jew who kept a sausage shop in the same street had the
ill luck to die of a strangury and leave his widow in possession of a rousing
trade Tom thought as every body in Lisbon was doing the best he could devise
for himself there could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it on
so without any introduction to the widow except that of buying a pound of
sausages at her shop Tom set out counting the matter thus within himself as
he walkd along that let the worst come of it that could he should at least
get a pound of sausages for their worth but if things went well he should be
set up inasmuch as he should get not only a pound of sausages but a wife
and a sausage shop an please your honour into the bargain
Every servant in the family from high to low wishd Tom success and I can
fancy an please your honour I see him this moment with his white dimity
waistcoat and breeches and hat a little o one side passing jollily along the
street swinging his stick with a smile and a chearful word for every body he
met But alas Tom thou smilest no more cried the Corporal looking on one
side of him upon the ground as if he apostrophized him in his dungeon
Poor fellow said my uncle Toby feelingly
He was an honest lighthearted lad an please your honour as ever blood
warmd
Then he resembled thee Trim said my uncle Toby rapidly
The Corporal blushd down to his fingers ends a tear of sentimental
bashfulness another of gratitude to my uncle Toby and a tear of sorrow for
his brothers misfortunes started into his eye and ran sweetly down his cheek
together my uncle Tobys kindled as one lamp does at another and taking hold
of the breast of Trims coat which had been that of Le Fevers as if to ease
his lame leg but in reality to gratify a finer feeling he stood silent for a
minute and a half at the end of which he took his hand away and the corporal
making a bow went on with his story of his brother and the Jews widow
Chap VI
When Tom an please your honour got to the shop there was nobody in it but a
poor negro girl with a bunch of white feathers slightly tied to the end of a
long cane flapping away flies not killing them Tis a pretty picture said
my uncle Toby she had suffered persecution Trim and had learnt mercy
She was good an please your honour from nature as well as from
hardships and there are circumstances in the story of that poor friendless slut
that would melt a heart of stone said Trim and some dismal winters evening
when your honour is in the humour they shall be told you with the rest of Toms
story for it makes a part of it
Then do not forget Trim said my uncle Toby
A Negro has a soul an please your honour said the Corporal doubtingly
I am not much versed Corporal quoth my uncle Toby in things of that kind
but I suppose God would not leave him without one any more than thee or me
It would be putting one sadly over the head of another quoth the
Corporal
It would so said my uncle Toby Why then an please your honour is a
black wench to be used worse than a white one
I can give no reason said my uncle Toby
Only cried the Corporal shaking his head because she has no one to
stand up for her
Tis that very thing Trim quoth my uncle Toby which recommends her
to protection and her brethren with her tis the fortune of war which has
put the whip into our hands now where it may be hereafter heaven knows
but be it where it will the brave Trim will not use it unkindly
God forbid said the Corporal
Amen responded my uncle Toby laying his hand upon his heart
The Corporal returned to his story and went on but with an embarrassment
in doing it which here and there a reader in this world will not be able to
comprehend for by the many sudden transitions all along from one kind and
cordial passion to another in getting thus far on his way he had lost the
sportable key of his voice which gave sense and spirit to his tale he attempted
twice to resume it but could not please himself so giving a stout hem to
rally back the retreating spirits and aiding Nature at the same time with his
left arm akimbo on one side and with his right a little extended supporting
her on the other the Corporal got as near the note as he could and in that
attitude continued his story
Chap VII
As Tom an please your honour had no business at that time with the Moorish
girl he passed on into the room beyond to talk to the Jews widow about love
and his pound of sausages and being as I have told your honour an open
cheary hearted lad with his character wrote in his looks and carriage he took
a chair and without much apology but with great civility at the same time
placed it close to her at the table and sat down
There is nothing so awkward as courting a woman an please your honour
whilst she is making sausages So Tom began a discourse upon them first
gravely »as how they were made with what meats herbs and spices« Then
a little gayly as »With what skins and if they never burst Whether the
largest were not the best« and so on taking care only as he went along to
season what he had to say upon sausages rather under than over that he
might have room to act in
It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution said my uncle Toby
laying his hand upon Trims shoulder That Count de la Motte lost the battle of
Wynnendale he pressed too speedily into the wood which if he had not done
Lisle had not fallen into our hands nor Ghent and Bruges which both followed
her example it was so late in the year continued my uncle Toby and so
terrible a season came on that if things had not fallen out as they did our
troops must have perished in the open field
Why therefore may not battles an please your honour as well as
marriages be made in heaven My uncle Toby mused
Religion inclined him to say one thing and his high idea of military skill
tempted him to say another so not being able to frame a reply exactly to his
mind my uncle Toby said nothing at all and the Corporal finished his story
As Tom perceived an please your honour that he gained ground and that
all he had said upon the subject of sausages was kindly taken he went on to
help her a little in making them First by taking hold of the ring of the
sausage whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her hand then by cutting
the strings into proper lengths and holding them in his hand whilst she took
them out one by one then by putting them across her mouth that she might
take them out as she wanted them and so on from little to more till at last
he adventured to tie the sausage himself whilst she held the snout
Now a widow an please your honour always chuses a second husband as
unlike the first as she can so the affair was more than half settled in her
mind before Tom mentioned it
She made a feint however of defending herself by snatching up a sausage
Tom instantly laid hold of another
But seeing Toms had more gristle in it
She signed the capitulation and Tom sealed it and there was an end of
the matter
Chap VIII
All womankind continued Trim commenting upon his story from the highest to
the lowest an please your honour love jokes the difficulty is to know how
they chuse to have them cut and there is no knowing that but by trying as we
do with our artillery in the field by raising or letting down their breeches
till we hit the mark
I like the comparison said my uncle Toby better than the thing itself
Because your honour quoth the Corporal loves glory more than pleasure
I hope Trim answered my uncle Toby I love mankind more than either and
as the knowledge of arms tends so apparently to the good and quiet of the world
and particularly that branch of it which we have practised together in our
bowlinggreen has no object but to shorten the strides of AMBITION and
intrench the lives and fortunes of the few from the plunderings of the many
whenever that drum beats in our ears I trust Corporal we shall neither of us
want so much humanity and fellowfeeling as to face about and march
In pronouncing this my uncle Toby faced about and marchd firmly as at the
head of his company and the faithful Corporal shouldering his stick and
striking his hand upon his coatskirt as he took his first step marchd close
behind him down the avenue
Now what can their two noddles be about cried my father to my mother
by all thats strange they are besieging Mrs Wadman in form and are marching
round her house to mark out the lines of circumvallation
I dare say quoth my mother But stop dear Sir for what my mother
dared to say upon the occasion and what my father did say upon it with her
replies and his rejoinders shall be read perused paraphrased commented and
discanted upon or to say it all in a word shall be thumbd over by Posterity
in a chapter apart I say by Posterity and care not if I repeat the word
again for what has this book done more than the Legation of Moses or the Tale
of a Tub that it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them
I will not argue the matter Time wastes too fast every letter I trace
tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen the days and hours of it more
precious my dear Jenny than the rubies about thy neck are flying over our
heads like light clouds of a windy day never to return more every thing
presses on whilst thou art twisting that lock see it grows grey and
every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu and every absence which follows it are
preludes to that eternal separation which we are shortly to make
Heaven have mercy upon us both
Chap IX
Now for what the world thinks of that ejaculation I would not give a groat
Chap X
My mother had gone with her left arm twisted in my fathers right till they had
got to the fatal angle of the old garden wall where Doctor Slop was overthrown
by Obadiah on the coachhorse as this was directly opposite to the front of
Mrs Wadmans house when my father came to it he gave a look across and
seeing my uncle Toby and the corporal within ten paces of the door he turnd
about »Let us just stop a moment quoth my father and see with what
ceremonies my brother Toby and his man Trim make their first entry it will
not detain us added my father a single minute« No matter if it be ten
minutes quoth my mother
It will not detain us half a one said my father
The Corporal was just then setting in with the story of his brother Tom and
the Jews widow the story went on and on it had episodes in it it came
back and went on and on again there was no end of it the reader found it
very long
G help my father he pishd fifty times at every new attitude and gave
the corporals stick with all its flourishings and danglings to as many devils
as chose to accept of them
When issues of events like these my father is waiting for are hanging in
the scales of fate the mind has the advantage of changing the principle of
expectation three times without which it would not have power to see it out
Curiosity governs the first moment and the second moment is all oeconomy to
justify the expence of the first and for the third fourth fifth and sixth
moments and so on to the day of judgment tis a point of HONOUR
I need not be told that the ethic writers have assigned this all to
Patience but that VIRTUE methinks has extent of dominion sufficient of her
own and enough to do in it without invading the few dismantled castles which
HONOUR has left him upon the earth
My father stood it out as well as he could with these three auxiliaries to
the end of Trims story and from thence to the end of my uncle Tobys
panegyrick upon arms in the chapter following it when seeing that instead of
marching up to Mrs Wadmans door they both faced about and marchd down the
avenue diametrically opposite to his expectation he broke out at once with
that little subacid soreness of humour which in certain situations
distinguished his character from that of all other men
Chap XI
Now what can their two noddles be about cried my father etc
I dare say said my mother they are making fortifications
Not on Mrs Wadmans premises cried my father stepping back
I suppose not quoth my mother
I wish said my father raising his voice the whole science of
fortification at the devil with all its trumpery of saps mines blinds
gabions faussebrays and cuvetts
They are foolish things said my mother
Now she had a way which by the bye I would this moment give away my purple
jerkin and my yellow slippers into the bargain if some of your reverences
would imitate and that was never to refuse her assent and consent to any
proposition my father laid before her merely because she did not understand it
or had no ideas to the principal word or term of art upon which the tenet or
proposition rolled She contented herself with doing all that her godfathers and
godmothers promised for her but no more and so would go on using a hard word
twenty years together and replying to it too if it was a verb in all its
moods and tenses without giving herself any trouble to enquire about it
This was an eternal source of misery to my father and broke the neck at
the first setting out of more good dialogues between them than could have done
the most petulant contradiction the few which survived were the better for
the cuvetts
»They are foolish things« said my mother
Particularly the cuvetts replied my father
Twas enough he tasted the sweet of triumph and went on
Not that they are properly speaking Mrs Wadmans premises said my
father partly correcting himself because she is but tenant for life
That makes a great difference said my mother
In a fools head replied my father
Unless she should happen to have a child said my mother
But she must persuade my brother Toby first to get her one
To be sure Mr Shandy quoth my mother
Though if it comes to persuasion said my father Lord have mercy upon
them
Amen said my mother piano
Amen cried my father fortissimè
Amen said my mother again but with such a sighing cadence of personal
pity at the end of it as discomfited every fibre about my father he instantly
took out his almanack but before he could untie it Yoricks congregation
coming out of church became a full answer to one half of his business with it
and my mother telling him it was a sacrament day left him as little in doubt
as to the other part He put his almanack into his pocket
The first Lord of the Treasury thinking of ways and means could not have
returned home with a more embarrassed look
Chap XII
Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter and surveying the texture of
what has been wrote it is necessary that upon this page and the five
following a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted to keep up that
just balance betwixt wisdom and folly without which a book would not hold
together a single year nor is it a poor creeping digression which but for the
name of a man might continue as well going on in the kings highway which will
do the business no if it is to be a digression it must be a good frisky
one and upon a frisky subject too where neither the horse or his rider are to
be caught but by rebound
The only difficulty is raising powers suitable to the nature of the
service FANCY is capricious WIT must not be searched for and PLEASANTRY
goodnatured slut as she is will not come in at a call was an empire to be
laid at her feet
The best way for a man is to say his prayers
Only if it puts him in mind of his infirmities and defects as well ghostly
as bodily for that purpose he will find himself rather worse after he had
said them than before for other purposes better
For my own part there is not a way either moral or mechanical under heaven
that I could think of which I have not taken with myself in this case
sometimes by addressing myself directly to the soul herself and arguing the
point over and over again with her upon the extent of her own faculties
I never could make them an inch the wider
Then by changing my system and trying what could be made of it upon the
body by temperance soberness and chastity These are good quoth I in
themselves they are good absolutely they are good relatively they are
good for healththey are good for happiness in this world they are good for
happiness in the next
In short they were good for every thing but the thing wanted and there
they were good for nothing but to leave the soul just as heaven made it as for
the theological virtues of faith and hope they give it courage but then that
sniveling virtue of Meekness as my father would always call it takes it quite
away again so you are exactly where you started
Now in all common and ordinary cases there is nothing which I have found to
answer so well as this
Certainly if there is any dependence upon Logic and that I am not
blinded by selflove there must be something of true genius about me merely
upon this symptom of it that I do not know what envy is for never do I hit
upon any invention or device which tendeth to the furtherance of good writing
but I instantly make it public willing that all mankind should write as well as
myself
Which they certainly will when they think as little
Chap XIII
Now in ordinary cases that is when I am only stupid and the thoughts rise
heavily and pass gummous through my pen
Or that I am got I know not how into a cold unmetaphorical vein of
infamous writing and cannot take a plumblift out of it for my soul so must be
obliged to go on writing like a Dutch commentator to the end of the chapter
unless something be done
I never stand confering with pen and ink one moment for if a pinch of
snuff or a stride or two across the room will not do the business for me I
take a razor at once and having tried the edge of it upon the palm of my hand
without further ceremony except that of first lathering my beard I shave it
off taking care only if I do leave a hair that it be not a grey one this
done I change my shirt put on a better coat send for my last wig put my
topaz ring upon my finger and in a word dress myself from one end to the other
of me after my best fashion
Now the devil in hell must be in it if this does not do for consider Sir
as every man chuses to be present at the shaving of his own beard though there
is no rule without an exception and unavoidably sits overagainst himself the
whole time it is doing in case he has a hand in it the Situation like all
others has notions of her own to put into the brain
I maintain it the conceits of a roughbearded man are seven years more
terse and juvenile for one single operation and if they did not run a risk of
being quite shaved away might be carried up by continual shavings to the
highest pitch of sublimity How Homer could write with so long a beard I dont
know and as it makes against my hypothesis I as little care But let us
return to the Toilet
Ludovicus Sorbonensis makes this entirely an affair of the body exoterikh
praxis as he calls it but he is deceived the soul and body are
jointsharers in every thing they get A man cannot dress but his ideas get
cloathd at the same time and if he dresses like a gentleman every one of them
stands presented to his imagination genteelized along with him so that he has
nothing to do but take his pen and write like himself
For this cause when your honours and reverences would know whether I writ
clean and fit to be read you will be able to judge full as well by looking into
my Laundresss bill as my book there was one single month in which I can make
it appear that I dirtied one and thirty shirts with clean writing and after
all was more abusd cursd criticisd and confounded and had more mystic
heads shaken at me for what I had wrote in that one month than in all the
other months of that year put together
But their honours and reverences had not seen my bills
Chap XIV
As I never had any intention of beginning the Digression I am making all this
preparation for till I come to the 15th chapter I have this chapter to put
to whatever use I think proper I have twenty this moment ready for it I
could write my chapter of Buttonholes in it
Or my chapter of Pishes which should follow them
Or my chapter of Knots in case their reverences have done with them they
might lead me into mischief the safest way is to follow the tract of the
learned and raise objections against what I have been writing tho I declare
beforehand I know no more than my heels how to answer them
And first it may be said there is a pelting kind of thersitical satire as
black as the very ink tis wrote with and by the bye whoever says so is
indebted to the mustermaster general of the Grecian army for suffering the
name of so ugly and foulmouthd a man as Thersites to continue upon his roll
for it has furnished him with an epithet in these productions he will urge
all the personal washings and scrubbings upon earth do a sinking genius no sort
of good but just the contrary inasmuch as the dirtier the fellow is the
better generally he succeeds in it
To this I have no other answer at least ready but that the Archbishop
of Benevento wrote his nasty Romance of the Galatea as all the world knows in
a purple coat waistcoat and purple pair of breeches and that the penance set
him of writing a commentary upon the book of the Revelations as severe as it
was lookd upon by one part of the world was far from being deemd so by the
other upon the single account of that Investment
Another objection to all this remedy is its want of universality
forasmuch as the shaving part of it upon which so much stress is laid by an
unalterable law of nature excludes one half of the species entirely from its
use all I can say is that female writers whether of England or of France
must een go without it
As for the Spanish ladies I am in no sort of distress
Chap XV
The fifteenth chapter is come at last and brings nothing with it but a sad
signature of »How our pleasures slip from under us in this world«
For in talking of my digression I declare before heaven I have made it
What a strange creature is mortal man said she
Tis very true said I but twere better to get all these things out of
our heads and return to my uncle Toby
Chap XVI
When my uncle Toby and the Corporal had marched down to the bottom of the
avenue they recollected their business lay the other way so they faced about
and marched up streight to Mrs Wadmans door
I warrant your honour said the Corporal touching his Monterocap with his
hand as he passed him in order to give a knock at the door My uncle Toby
contrary to his invariable way of treating his faithful servant said nothing
good or bad the truth was he had not altogether marshald his ideas he wishd
for another conference and as the Corporal was mounting up the three steps
before the door he hemd twice a portion of my uncle Tobys most modest
spirits fled at each expulsion towards the Corporal he stood with the rapper
of the door suspended for a full minute in his hand he scarce knew why Bridget
stood perdue within with her finger and her thumb upon the latch benumbd with
expectation and Mrs Wadman with an eye ready to be deflowered again sat
breathless behind the windowcurtain of her bedchamber watching their
approach
Trim said my uncle Toby but as he articulated the word the minute
expired and Trim let fall the rapper
My uncle Toby perceiving that all hopes of a conference were knockd on the
head by it whistled Lillabullero
Chap XVII
As Mrs Bridgets finger and thumb were upon the latch the Corporal did not
knock as oft as perchance your honours taylor I might have taken my example
something nearer home for I owe mine some five and twenty pounds at least and
wonder at the mans patience
But this is nothing at all to the world only tis a cursed thing to be
in debt and there seems to be a fatality in the exchequers of some poor
princes particularly those of our house which no Economy can bind down in
irons for my own part Im persuaded there is not any one prince prelate
pope or potenate great or small upon earth more desirous in his heart of
keeping streight with the world than I am or who takes more likely means for
it I never give above half a guinea or walk with boots or cheapen
toothpicks or lay out a shilling upon a bandbox the year round and for the
six months Im in the country Im upon so small a scale that with all the good
temper in the world I outdo Rousseau a bar length for I keep neither man
or boy or horse or cow or dog or cat or any thing that can eat or drink
except a thin poor piece of a Vestal to keep my fire in and who has generally
as bad an appetite as myself but if you think this makes a philosopher of me
I would not my good people give a rush for your judgments
True philosophy but there is no treating the subject whilst my uncle is
whistling Lillabullero
Let us go into the house
Chap XVIII
Chap XIX
Chap XX
You shall see the very place Madam said my uncle Toby
Mrs Wadman blushd lookd towards the door turnd pale blushd
slightly again recovered her natural colour blushd worse than ever which
for the sake of the unlearned reader I translate thus
»Ld I cannot look at it
What would the world say if I lookd at it
I should drop down if I lookd at it
I wish I could look at it
There can be no sin in looking at it
I will look at it«
Whilst all this was running through Mrs Wadmans imagination my uncle Toby
had risen from the sopha and got to the other side of the parlourdoor to give
Trim an order about it in the passage
I believe it is in the garret said my uncle Toby I saw it there
an please your honour this morning answered Trim Then prithee step
directly for it Trim said my uncle Toby and bring it into the parlour
The Corporal did not approve of the orders but most chearfully obeyd them
The first was not an act of his will the second was so he put on his
Monterocap and went as fast as his lame knee would let him My uncle Toby
returned into the parlour and sat himself down again upon the sopha
You shall lay your finger upon the place said my uncle Toby
I will not touch it however quoth Mrs Wadman to herself
This requires a second translation it shews what little knowledge is got
by mere words we must go up to the first springs
Now in order to clear up the mist which hangs upon these three pages I must
endeavour to be as clear as possible myself
Rub your hands thrice across your foreheads blow your noses cleanse your
emunctories sneeze my good people God bless you
Now give me all the help you can
Chap XXI
As there are fifty different ends counting all ends in as well civil as
religious for which a woman takes a husband she first sets about and carefully
weighs then separates and distinguishes in her mind which of all that number
of ends is hers then by discourse enquiry argumentation and inference she
investigates and finds out whether she has got hold of the right one and if
she has then by pulling it gently this way and that way she further forms a
judgment whether it will not break in the drawing
The imagery under which Slawkenbergius impresses this upon his readers
fancy in the beginning of his third Decad is so ludicrous that the honour I
bear the sex will not suffer me to quote it otherwise tis not destitute of
humour
»She first saith Slawkenbergius stops the asse and holding his halter in
her left hand lest he should get away she thrusts her right hand into the very
bottom of his pannier to search for it For what youll not know the sooner
quoth Slawkenbergius for interrupting me
»I have nothing good Lady but empty bottles« says the asse
»Im loaded with tripes« says the second
And thou art little better quoth she to the third for nothing is there
in thy panniers but trunkhose and pantofles and so to the fourth and fifth
going on one by one through the whole string till coming to the asse which
carries it she turns the pannier upside down looks at it considers it
samples it measures it stretches it wets it dries it then takes her
teeth both to the warp and weft of it
Of what for the love of Christ
I am determined answered Slawkenbergius that all the powers upon earth
shall never wring that secret from my breast
Chap XXII
We live in a world beset on all sides with mysteries and riddles and so tis
no matter else it seems strange that Nature who makes every thing so well to
answer its destination and seldom or never errs unless for pastime in giving
such forms and aptitudes to whatever passes through her hands that whether she
designs for the plough the caravan the cart or whatever other creature she
models be it but an asses foal you are sure to have the thing you wanted and
yet at the same time should so eternally bungle it as she does in making so
simple a thing as a married man
Whether it is in the choice of the clay or that it is frequently spoiled
in the baking by an excess of which a husband may turn out too crusty you
know on one hand or not enough so through defect of heat on the other
or whether this great Artificer is not so attentive to the little Platonic
exigences of that part of the species for whose use she is fabricating this
or that her Ladyship sometimes scarce knows what sort of a husband will do I
know not we will discourse about it after supper
It is enough that neither the observation itself or the reasoning upon it
are at all to the purpose but rather against it since with regard to my
uncle Tobys fitness for the marriage state nothing was ever better she had
formed him of the best and kindliest clay had temperd it with her own milk
and breathed into it the sweetest spirit she had made him all gentle
generous and humane she had filld his heart with trust and confidence and
disposed every passage which led to it for the communication of the tenderest
offices she had moreover considered the other causes for which matrimony was
ordained
And accordingly
The DONATION was not defeated by my uncle Tobys wound
Now this last article was somewhat apocryphal and the Devil who is the
great disturber of our faiths in this world had raised scruples in Mrs
Wadmans brain about it and like a true devil as he was had done his own work
at the same time by turning my uncle Tobys Virtue thereupon into nothing but
empty bottles tripes trunkhose and pantofles
Chap XXIII
Mrs Bridget had pawnd all the little stock of honour a poor chambermaid was
worth in the world that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days
and it was built upon one of the most concessible postulatum in nature namely
that whilst my uncle Toby was making love to her mistress the Corporal could
find nothing better to do than make love to her »And Ill let him as much as
he will« said Bridget »to get it out of him«
Friendship has two garments an outer and an under one Bridget was serving
her mistresss interests in the one and doing the thing which most pleased
herself in the other so had as many stakes depending upon my uncle Tobys
wound as the Devil himself Mrs Wadman had but one and as it possibly
might be her last without discouraging Mrs Bridget or discrediting her
talents was determined to play her cards herself
She wanted not encouragement a child might have lookd into his hand
there was such a plainness and simplicity in his playing out what trumps he had
with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the tenace and so naked and
defenceless did he sit upon the same sopha with widow Wadman that a generous
heart would have wept to have won the game of him
Let us drop the metaphor
Chap XXIV
And the story too if you please for though I have all along been hastening
towards this part of it with so much earnest desire as well knowing it to be
the choicest morsel of what I had to offer to the world yet now that I am got
to it any one is welcome to take my pen and go on with the story for me that
will I see the difficulties of the descriptions Im going to give and feel
my want of powers
It is one comfort at least to me that I lost some fourscore ounces of blood
this week in a most uncritical fever which attacked me at the beginning of this
chapter so that I have still some hopes remaining it may be more in the serous
or globular parts of the blood than in the subtile aura of the brain be it
which it will an Invocation can do no hurt and I leave the affair entirely
to the invoked to inspire or to inject me according as he sees good
The Invocation
Gentle Spirit of sweetest humour who erst didst sit upon the easy pen of my
beloved CERVANTES Thou who glidedst daily through his lattice and turnedst
the twilight of his prison into noonday brightness by thy presence tingedst
his little urn of water with heavensent Nectar and all the time he wrote of
Sancho and his master didst cast thy mystic mantle oer his witherd36 stump
and wide extended it to all the evils of his life
Turn in hither I beseech thee behold these breeches they are all
I have in the world that piteous rent was given them at Lyons
My shirts see what a deadly schism has happend amongst em for the laps
are in Lombardy and the rest of em here I never had but six and a cunning
gypsey of a laundress at Milan cut me off the forelaps of five To do her
justice she did it with some consideration for I was returning out of Italy
And yet notwithstanding all this and a pistol tinderbox which was
moreover filchd from me at Sienna and twice that I payd five Pauls for two
hard eggs once at Raddicoffini and a second time at Capua I do not think a
journey through France and Italy provided a man keeps his temper all the way
so bad a thing as some people would make you believe there must be ups and
downs or how the duce should we get into vallies where Nature spreads so many
tables of entertainment Tis nonsense to imagine they will lend you their
voitures to be shaken to pieces for nothing and unless you pay twelve sous for
greasing your wheels how should the poor peasant get butter to his bread We
really expect too much and for the livre or two above par for your suppers and
bed at the most they are but one shilling and ninepence halfpenny who would
embroil their philosophy for it for heavens and for your own sake pay it
pay it with both hands open rather than leave Disappointment sitting drooping
upon the eye of your fair Hostess and her Damsels in the gateway at your
departure and besides my dear Sir you get a sisterly kiss of each of em
worth a pound at least I did
For my uncle Tobys amours running all the way in my head they had the
same effect upon me as if they had been my own I was in the most perfect
state of bounty and good will and felt the kindliest harmony vibrating within
me with every oscillation of the chaise alike so that whether the roads were
rough or smooth it made no difference every thing I saw or had to do with
touchd upon some secret spring either of sentiment or rapture
They were the sweetest notes I ever heard and I instantly let down the
foreglass to hear them more distinctly Tis Maria said the postillion
observing I was listening Poor Maria continued he leaning his body on one
side to let me see her for he was in a line betwixt us is sitting upon a bank
playing her vespers upon her pipe with her little goat beside her
The young fellow utterd this with an accent and a look so perfectly in tune
to a feeling heart that I instantly made a vow I would give him a four and
twenty sous piece when I got to Moulins
And who is poor Maria said I
The love and pity of all the villages around us said the postillion it
is but three years ago that the sun did not shine upon so fair so quickwitted
and amiable a maid and better fate did Maria deserve than to have her Banns
forbid by the intrigues of the curate of the parish who published them
He was going on when Maria who had made a short pause put the pipe to her
mouth and began the air again they were the same notes yet were ten times
sweeter It is the evening service to the Virgin said the young man but who
has taught her to play it or how she came by her pipe no one knows we think
that Heaven has assisted her in both for ever since she has been unsettled in
her mind it seems her only consolation she has never once had the pipe out
of her hand but plays that service upon it almost night and day
The postillion delivered this with so much discretion and natural eloquence
that I could not help decyphering something in his face above his condition and
should have sifted out his history had not poor Marias taken such full
possession of me
We had got up by this time almost to the bank where Maria was sitting she
was in a thin white jacket with her hair all but two tresses drawn up into a
silk net with a few oliveleaves twisted a little fantastically on one side
she was beautiful and if ever I felt the full force of an honest heartache it
was the moment I saw her
God help her poor damsel above a hundred masses said the postillion
have been said in the several parish churches and convents around for her
but without effect we have still hopes as she is sensible for short intervals
that the Virgin at last will restore her to herself but her parents who know
her best are hopeless upon that score and think her senses are lost for ever
As the postillion spoke this MARIA made a cadence so melancholy so tender
and querulous that I sprung out of the chaise to help her and found myself
sitting betwixt her and her goat before I relapsed from my enthusiasm
MARIA lookd wistfully for some time at me and then at her goat and then
at me and then at her goat again and so on alternately
Well Maria said I softly What resemblance do you find
I do intreat the candid reader to believe me that it was from the humblest
conviction of what a Beast man is that I askd the question and that I
would not have let fallen an unseasonable pleasantry in the venerable presence
of Misery to be entitled to all the wit that ever Rabelais scatterd and yet
I own my heart smote me and that I so smarted at the very idea of it that I
swore I would set up for Wisdom and utter grave sentences the rest of my days
and never never attempt again to commit mirth with man woman or child the
longest day I had to live
As for writing nonsense to them I believe there was a reserve but that
I leave to the world
Adieu Maria adieu poor hapless damsel some time but not now I may
hear thy sorrows from thy own lips but I was deceived for that moment she
took her pipe and told me such a tale of woe with it that I rose up and with
broken and irregular steps walkd softly to my chaise
What an excellent inn at Moulins
Chap XXV
When we have got to the end of this chapter but not before we must all turn
back to the two blank chapters on the account of which my honour has lain
bleeding this half hour I stop it by pulling off one of my yellow slippers
and throwing it with all my violence to the opposite side of my room with a
declaration at the heel of it
That whatever resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which are
written in the world or for aught I know may be now writing in it that it
was as casual as the foam of Zeuxis his horse besides I look upon a chapter
which has only nothing in it with respect and considering what worse things
there are in the world That it is no way a proper subject for satire
Why then was it left so And here without staying for my reply shall I
be calld as many blockheads numsculs doddypoles dunderheads ninnyhammers
goosecaps joltheads nicompoops and sh tabeds and other unsavory
appellations as ever the cakebakers of Lernè cast in the teeth of King
Garagantuas shepherds And Ill let them do it as Bridget said as much as
they please for how was it possible they should foresee the necessity I was
under of writing the 25th chapter of my book before the 18th etc
So I dont take it amiss All I wish is that it may be a lesson to the
world »to let people tell their stories their own way«
The Eighteenth Chapter
As Mrs Bridget opend the door before the corporal had well given the rap the
interval betwixt that and my uncle Tobys introduction into the parlour was so
short that Mrs Wadman had but just time to get from behind the curtain lay
a Bible upon the table and advance a step or two towards the door to receive
him
My uncle Toby saluted Mrs Wadman after the manner in which women were
saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven hundred and
thirteen then facing about he marchd up abreast with her to the sopha and
in three plain words though not before he was sat down nor after he was
sat down but as he was sitting down told her »he was in love« so that my
uncle Toby strained himself more in the declaration than he needed
Mrs Wadman naturally looked down upon a slit she had been darning up in
her apron in expectation every moment that my uncle Toby would go on but
having no talents for amplification and LOVE moreover of all others being a
subject of which he was the least a master When he had told Mrs Wadman once
that he loved her he let it alone and left the matter to work after its own
way
My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle Tobys as he
falsely called it and would often say that could his brother Toby to his
processe have added but a pipe of tobacco he had wherewithal to have found
his way if there was faith in a Spanish proverb towards the hearts of half the
women upon the globe
My uncle Toby never understood what my father meant nor will I presume to
extract more from it than a condemnation of an error which the bulk of the
world lie under but the French every one of em to a man who believe in it
almost as much as the REAL PRESENCE »That talking of love is making it«
I would as soon set about making a blackpudding by the same receipt
Let us go on Mrs Wadman sat in expectation my uncle Toby would do so to
almost the first pulsation of that minute wherein silence on one side or the
other generally becomes indecent so edging herself a little more towards him
and raising up her eyes sub as she did it she took up the gauntlet or
the discourse if you like it better and communed with my uncle Toby thus
The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state quoth Mrs Wadman are
very great I suppose so said my uncle Toby and therefore when a person
continued Mrs Wadman is so much at his ease as you are so happy captain
Shandy in yourself your friends and your amusements I wonder what reasons
can incline you to the state
They are written quoth my uncle Toby in the CommonPrayer Book
Thus far my uncle Toby went on warily and kept within his depth leaving
Mrs Wadman to sail upon the gulph as she pleased
As for children said Mrs Wadman though a principal end perhaps of
the institution and the natural wish I suppose of every parent yet do not
we all find they are certain sorrows and very uncertain comforts and what is
there dear Sir to pay one for the heartachs what compensation for the many
tender and disquieting apprehensions of a suffering and defenceless mother who
brings them into life I declare said my uncle Toby smit with pity I know of
none unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased God
A fiddlestick quoth she
Chapter the Nineteenth
Now there are such an infinitude of notes tunes cants chants airs looks
and accents with which the word fiddlestick may be pronounced in all such causes
as this every one of em impressing a sense and meaning as different from the
other as dirt from cleanliness That Casuists for it is an affair of
conscience on that score reckon up no less than fourteen thousand in which you
may do either right or wrong
Mrs Wadman hit upon the fiddlestick which summoned up all my uncle Tobys
modest blood into his cheeks so feeling within himself that he had somehow or
other got beyond his depth he stopt short and without entering further either
into the pains or pleasures of matrimony he laid his hand upon his heart and
made an offer to take them as they were and share them along with her
When my uncle Toby had said this he did not care to say it again so
casting his eye upon the Bible which Mrs Wadman had laid upon the table he
took it up and popping dear soul upon a passage in it of all others the most
interesting to him which was the siege of Jericho he set himself to read it
over leaving his proposal of marriage as he had done his declaration of love
to work with her after its own way Now it wrought neither as an astringent or a
loosener nor like opium or bark or mercury or buckthorn or any one drug
which nature had bestowed upon the world in short it workd not at all in
her and the cause of that was that there was something working there before
Babbler that I am I have anticipated what it was a dozen times but there is
fire still in the subject allons
Chap XXVI
It is natural for a perfect stranger who is going from London to Edinburgh to
enquire before he sets out how many miles to York which is about the half way
nor does any body wonder if he goes on and asks about the Corporation etc
It was just as natural for Mrs Wadman whose first husband was all his time
afflicted with a Sciatica to wish to know how far from the hip to the groin
and how far she was likely to suffer more or less in her feelings in the one
case than in the other
She had accordingly read Drakes anatomy from one end to the other She had
peeped into Wharton upon the brain and borrowed37 Graaf upon the bones and
muscles but could make nothing of it
She had reasond likewise from her own powers laid down theorems drawn
consequences and come to no conclusion
To clear up all she had twice asked Doctor Slop »if poor captain Shandy
was ever likely to recover of his wound «
He is recovered Doctor Slop would say
What quite
Quite madam
But what do you mean by a recovery Mrs Wadman would say
Doctor Slop was the worst man alive at definitions and so Mrs Wadman could
get no knowledge in short there was no way to extract it but from my uncle
Toby himself
There is an accent of humanity in an enquiry of this kind which lulls
SUSPICION to rest and I am half persuaded the serpent got pretty near it in
his discourse with Eve for the propensity in the sex to be deceived could not
be so great that she should have boldness to hold chat with the devil without
it But there is an accent of humanity how shall I describe it tis an
accent which covers the part with a garment and gives the enquirer a right to
be as particular with it as your bodysurgeon
Was it without remission
Was it more tolerable in bed
Could he lie on both sides alike with it
Was he able to mount a horse
Was motion bad for it« et cætera were so tenderly spoke to and so
directed towards my uncle Tobys heart that every item of them sunk ten times
deeper into it than the evils themselves but when Mrs Wadman went round
about by Namur to get at my uncle Tobys groin and engaged him to attack the
point of the advanced counterscarp and pêle mêle with the Dutch to take the
counterguard of St Roch sword in hand and then with tender notes playing upon
his ear led him all bleeding by the hand out of the trench wiping her eye as
he was carried to his tent Heaven Earth Sea all was lifted up the
springs of nature rose above their levels an angel of mercy sat besides him on
the sopha his heart glowd with fire and had he been worth a thousand he
had lost every heart of them to Mrs Wadman
And whereabouts dear Sir quoth Mrs Wadman a little categorically did
you receive this sad blow In asking this question Mrs Wadman gave a slight
glance towards the waistband of my uncle Tobys red plush breeches expecting
naturally as the shortest reply to it that my uncle Toby would lay his
forefinger upon the place It fell out otherwise for my uncle Toby having
got his wound before the gate of St Nicolas in one of the traverses of the
trench opposite to the salient angle of the demibastion of St Roch he could
at any time stick a pin upon the identical spot of ground where he was standing
when the stone struck him this struck instantly upon my uncle Tobys sensorium
and with it struck his large map of the town and citadel of Namur and its
environs which he had purchased and pasted down upon a board by the Corporals
aid during his long illness it had lain with other military lumber in the
garret ever since and accordingly the corporal was detached into the garret to
fetch it
My uncle Toby measured off thirty toises with Mrs Wadmans scissars from
the returning angle before the gate of St Nicolas and with such a virgin
modesty laid her finger upon the place that the goddess of Decency if then in
being if not twas her shade shook her head and with a finger wavering
across her eyes forbid her to explain the mistake
Unhappy Mrs Wadman
For nothing can make this chapter go off with spirit but an apostrophe to
thee but my heart tells me that in such a crisis an apostrophe is but an
insult in disguise and ere I would offer one to a woman in distress let the
chapter go to the devil provided any damnd critick in keeping will be but at
the trouble to take it with him
Chap XXVII
My uncle Tobys Map is carried down into the kitchen
Chap XXVIII
And here is the Maes and this is the Sambre said the Corporal pointing
with his right hand extended a little towards the map and his left upon Mrs
Bridgets shoulder but not the shoulder next him and this said he is the
town of Namur and this the citadel and there lay the French and here lay
his honour and myself and in this cursed trench Mrs Bridget quoth the
Corporal taking her by the hand did he receive the wound which crushd him so
miserably here In pronouncing which he slightly pressd the back of her hand
towards the part he felt for and let it fall
We thought Mr Trim it had been more in the middle said Mrs Bridget
That would have undone us for ever said the Corporal
And left my poor mistress undone too said Bridget
The Corporal made no reply to the repartee but by giving Mrs Bridget a
kiss
Come come said Bridget holding the palm of her left hand parallel to
the plane of the horizon and sliding the fingers of the other over it in a way
which could not have been done had there been the least wart or protuberance
Tis every syllable of it false cried the Corporal before she had half
finished the sentence I know it to be fact said Bridget from credible
witnesses
Upon my honour said the Corporal laying his hand upon his heart and
blushing as he spoke with honest resentment tis a story Mrs Bridget as
false as hell Not said Bridget interrupting him that either I or my
mistress care a halfpenny about it whether tis so or no only that when one
is married one would chuse to have such a thing by one at least
It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs Bridget that she had begun the attack
with her manual exercise for the Corporal instantly
Chap XXIX
It was like the momentary contest in the moist eyelids of an April morning
»Whether Bridget should laugh or cry«
She snatchd up a rollingpin twas ten to one she had laughd
She laid it down she cried and had one single tear of em but tasted of
bitterness full sorrowful would the Corporals heart have been that he had used
the argument but the Corporal understood the sex a quart major to a terce at
least better than my uncle Toby and accordingly he assailed Mrs Bridget after
this manner
I know Mrs Bridget said the Corporal giving her a most respectful kiss
that thou art good and modest by nature and art withal so generous a girl in
thyself that if I know thee rightly thou wouldst not wound an insect much
less the honour of so gallant and worthy a soul as my master wast thou sure to
be made a countess of but thou hast been set on and deluded dear Bridget
as is often a womans case »to please others more than themselves «
Bridgets eyes poured down at the sensations the Corporal excited
Tell me tell me then my dear Bridget continued the Corporal taking
hold of her hand which hung down dead by her side and giving a second kiss
whose suspicion has misled thee
Bridget sobbd a sob or two then opend her eyes the Corporal wiped
em with the bottom of her apron she then opend her heart and told him all
Chap XXX
My uncle Toby and the Corporal had gone on separately with their operations the
greatest part of the campaign and as effectually cut off from all communication
of what either the one or the other had been doing as if they had been
separated from each other by the Maes or the Sambre
My uncle Toby on his side had presented himself every afternoon in his red
and silver and blue and gold alternately and sustained an infinity of attacks
in them without knowing them to be attacks and so had nothing to communicate
The Corporal on his side in taking Bridget by it had gaind considerable
advantages and consequently had much to communicate but what were the
advantages as well as what was the manner by which he had seizd them
required so nice an historian that the Corporal durst not venture upon it and
as sensible as he was of glory would rather have been contented to have gone
barehead and without laurels for ever than torture his masters modesty for a
single moment
Best of honest and gallant servants But I have apostrophizd thee
Trim once before and could I apotheosize thee also that is to say with
good company I would do it without ceremony in the very next page
Chap XXXI
Now my uncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table and was
counting over to himself upon his finger ends beginning at his thumb all Mrs
Wadmans perfections one by one and happening two or three times together
either by omitting some or counting others twice over to puzzle himself sadly
before he could get beyond his middle finger Prithee Trim said he taking
up his pipe again bring me a pen and ink Trim brought paper also
Take a full sheet Trim said my uncle Toby making a sign with his pipe
at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table The
Corporal obeyed placed the paper directly before him took a pen and dipd
it in the ink
She has a thousand virtues Trim said my uncle Toby
Am I to set them down an please your honour quoth the Corporal
But they must be taken in their ranks replied my uncle Toby for of them
all Trim that which wins me most and which is a security for all the rest is
the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her character I protest added
my uncle Toby looking up as he protested it towards the top of the ceiling
That was I her brother Trim a thousand fold she could not make more constant
or more tender enquiries after my sufferings though now no more
The Corporal made no reply to my uncle Tobys protestation but by a short
cough he dipd the pen a second time into the inkhorn and my uncle Toby
pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at the left
hand corner of it as he could get it the Corporal wrote down the word
HUMANITY thus
Prithee Corporal said my uncle Toby as soon as Trim had done it how
often does Mrs Bridget enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee which
thou receivedst at the battle of Landen
She never an please your honour enquires after it at all
That Corporal said my uncle Toby with all the triumph the goodness of his
nature would permit That shews the difference in the character of the
mistress and maid had the fortune of war allotted the same mischance to me
Mrs Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred
times She would have enquired an please your honour ten times as often
about your honours groin The pain Trim is equally excruciating and
Compassion has as much to do with the one as the other
God bless your honour cried the Corporal what has a womans
compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a mans knee had your honours
been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of Landen Mrs Wadman would
have troubled her head as little about it as Bridget because added the
Corporal lowering his voice and speaking very distinctly as he assigned his
reason
»The knee is such a distance from the main body whereas the groin your
honour knows is upon the very curtin of the place«
My uncle Toby gave a long whistle but in a note which could scarce be
heard across the table
The Corporal had advanced too far to retire in three words he told the
rest
My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender as if it had
been spun from the unravellings of a spiders web
Let us go to my brother Shandys said he
Chap XXXII
There will be just time whilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to my
fathers to inform you that Mrs Wadman had some moons before this made a
confident of my mother and that Mrs Bridget who had the burden of her own as
well as her mistresss secret to carry had got happily delivered of both to
Susannah behind the gardenwall
As for my mother she saw nothing at all in it to make the least bustle
about but Susannah was sufficient by herself for all the ends and purposes
you could possibly have in exporting a family secret for she instantly
imparted it by signs to Jonathan and Jonathan by tokens to the cook as she
was basting a loin of mutton the cook sold it with some kitchenfat to the
postillion for a groat who truckd it with the dairy maid for something of
about the same value and though whisperd in the hayloft FAME caught the
notes with her brazen trumpet and sounded them upon the housetop In a word
not an old woman in the village or five miles round who did not understand the
difficulties of my uncle Tobys siege and what were the secret articles which
had delayd the surrender
My father whose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis
by which means never man crucified TRUTH at the rate he did had but just
heard of the report as my uncle Toby set out and catching fire suddenly at the
trespass done his brother by it was demonstrating to Yorick notwithstanding my
mother was sitting by not only »That the devil was in women and that the
whole of the affair was lust« but that every evil and disorder in the world of
what kind or nature soever from the first fall of Adam down to my uncle Tobys
inclusive was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite
Yorick was just bringing my fathers hypothesis to some temper when my
uncle Toby entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and forgiveness
in his looks my fathers eloquence rekindled against the passion and as he
was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wroth as soon as my
uncle Toby was seated by the fire and had filled his pipe my father broke out
in this manner
Chap XXXIII
That provision should be made for continuing the race of so great so exalted
and godlike a Being as man I am far from denying but philosophy speaks
freely of every thing and therefore I still think and do maintain it to be a
pity that it should be done by means of a passion which bends down the
faculties and turns all the wisdom contemplations and operations of the soul
backwards a passion my dear continued my father addressing himself to my
mother which couples and equals wise men with fools and makes us come out of
our caverns and hidingplaces more like satyrs and fourfooted beasts than men
I know it will be said continued my father availing himself of the
Prolepsis that in itself and simply taken like hunger or thirst or sleep
tis an affair neither good or bad or shameful or otherwise Why then
did the delicacy of Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against it and
wherefore when we go about to make and plant a man do we put out the candle
and for what reason is it that all the parts thereof the congredients the
preparations the instruments and whatever serves thereto are so held as to
be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no language translation or periphrasis
whatever
The act of killing and destroying a man continued my father raising his
voice and turning to my uncle Toby you see is glorious and the weapons by
which we do it are honourable We march with them upon our shoulders We
strut with them by our sides We gild them We carve them We inlay them
We enrich them Nay if it be but a scoundril cannon we cast an ornament
upon the breech of it
My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithet and
Yorick was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to pieces
When Obadiah broke into the middle of the room with a complaint which
cried out for an immediate hearing
The case was this
My father whether by ancient custom of the manor or as improprietor of the
great tythes was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the Parish and
Obadiah had led his cow upon a popvisit to him one day or other the preceeding
summer I say one day or other because as chance would have it it was the
day on which he was married to my fathers housemaid so one was a reckoning
to the other Therefore when Obadiahs wife was brought to bed Obadiah thanked
God
Now said Obadiah I shall have a calf so Obadiah went daily to visit
his cow
Shell calve on Monday on Tuesday or Wednesday at the farthest
The cow did not calve no shell not calve till next week the cow put
it off terribly till at the end of the sixth week Obadiahs suspicions like
a good mans fell upon the Bull
Now the parish being very large my fathers Bull to speak the truth of
him was no way equal to the department he had however got himself somehow
or other thrust into employment and as he went through the business with a
grave face my father had a high opinion of him
Most of the townsmen an please your worship quoth Obadiah believe
that tis all the Bulls fault
But may not a cow be barren replied my father turning to Doctor Slop
It never happens said Dr Slop but the mans wife may have come before her
time naturally enough Prithee has the child hair upon his head added Dr
Slop
It is as hairy as I am said Obadiah Obadiah had not been shaved for
three weeks Wheu u u cried my father beginning the sentence
with an exclamatory whistle and so brother Toby this poor Bull of mine who
is as good a Bull as ever pssd and might have done for Europa herself in
purer times had he but two legs less might have been driven into Doctors
Commons and lost his character which to a Town Bull brother Toby is the
very same thing as his life
Ld said my mother what is all this story about
A COCK and a BULL said Yorick And one of the best of its kind I ever
heard
The End of the Ninth Volume
Notes
1 The Romish Rituals direct the baptizing of the child in cases of danger
before it is born but upon this proviso That some part or other of the
childs body be seen by the baptizer But the Doctors of the Sorbonne by a
deliberation held amongst them April 10 1733 have enlarged the powers of
the midwives by determining That tho no part of the childs body should
appear that baptism shall nevertheless be administered to it by injection
par le moyen dune petite Canulle Anglicé a squirt Tis very strange that
St Thomas Aquinas who had so good a mechanical head both for tying and
untying the knots of schooldivinity should after so much pains bestowed
upon this give up the point at last as a second La chose impossible
»Infantes in maternis uteris existentes quoth St Thomas baptizari possunt
nullo modo« O Thomas Thomas
If the reader has the curiosity to see the question upon baptism by injection
as presented to the Doctors of the Sorbonne with their consultation
thereupon it is as follows
2 Vide Deventer Paris Edit 4to 1734 p 366
3 Pentagraph an instrument to copy prints and pictures mechanically and in any
proportion
4 The author is here twice mistaken for Lithopædus should be wrote thus
Lithopædii Senonensis Icon The second mistake is that this Lithopædus is not
an author but a drawing of a petrified child The account of this published by
Albosius 1580 may be seen at the end of Cordæuss works in Spachius Mr
Tristram Shandy has been led into this error either from seeing Lithopæduss
name of late in a catalogue of learned writers in Dr or by mistaking
Lithopædus for Trinecavellius from the too great similitude of the names
5 Vid Vol II p 159
6 As the genuineness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the question of
baptism was doubted by some and denied by others twas thought proper to
print the original of this excommunication for the copy of which Mr Shandy
returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of Rochester
7 Vid Locke
8 As Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis is extremely scarce it may not be
unacceptable to the learned reader to see the specimen of a few pages of his
original I will make no reflection upon it but that his storytelling Latin is
much more concise than his philosophic and I think has more of Latinity in
it
9 Hafen Slawkenbergius means the Benedictine nuns of Cluny founded in the year
940 by Odo abbé de Cluny
10 Mr Shandys compliments to orators is very sensible that Slawkenbergius
has here changed his metaphor which he is very guilty of that as a
translator Mr Shandy has all along done what he could to make him stick to it
but that here twas impossible
11 Nonnulli ex nostratibus eadem loquendi formulâ utun Quinimo et Logistæ amp
Canonistæ Vid Parce Bar e Jas in d L Provincial Constitut de conjec vid
Vol Lib 4 Titul 1 N 7 quà etiam in re conspir Om de Promontorio Nas
Tichmak ff d tit 3 fol 189 paffim Vid Glos de contrahend empt ampc
nec non J Scrudr in cap § refut ff per totum cum his cons Rever J
Tubal Sentent amp Prov cap 9 ff 11 12 obiter V et Librum cui Tit
de Terris amp Phras Belg ad finem cum comment N Bardy Belg Vid Scrip
Argentotarens de Antiq Ecc in Episc Archiv fid coll per Von Jacobum
Koinshoven Folio Argent 1583 præcip ad finem Quibus add Rebuff in L
obvenire de Signif Nom ff fol amp de Jure Gent amp Civil de protib
aliena feud per federa test Joha Luxius in prolegom quem velim videas de
Analy Cap 1 2 3 Vid Idea
12 Hæc mira satisque horrenda Planetarum coitio sub Scorpio Asterismo in nonâ
coeli statione quam Arabes religioni deputabant efficit Martinum Lutherum
sacrilegum hereticum christianæ religionis hostem acerrimum atque prophanum ex
horoscopi directione ad Martis coitum religiosissimus obiit ejus Anima
scelestissima ad infernos navigavit ab Alecto Tisiphone et Magera flagellis
igneis cruciata pereniter
Lucas Gauricus in Tractatu astrologico de præteritis multorum hominum
accidentibus per genituras examinatis
13 Ce Foetus netoit pas plus grand que la paume de la main mais son pere
layant éxaminè en qualitè de Médecin amp ayant trouvé que cetoit quelque
chose de plus quun Embryon le fit transporter tout vivant à Rapallo ou il le
fit voir à Jerome Bardi amp à dautres Medecines du lieu On trouva quil ne
lui manquoit rien dessentiel à la vie amp son pere pour faire voir un essai
de son expérience entreprit darchever louvrage de la Nature amp de
travailler à la formation de lEnfant avec le même artifice que celui dont on se
sert pour faire éclorre les Poulets en Egypte Il instruisit une Nourisse de
tout ce quelle avoit à faire amp ayant fait mettre son fil dans un four
proprement accommodé il reuissit à lélever et a lui faire prendre ses
accroissemens necessaires par luniformité dune chaleur étrangère mesurée
éxactement sur les degrés dun Thermomètre ou dun autre instrument équivalent
Vide Mich Giustinian ne gli Scritt Liguri à Cart 223 488
On auroit toujours été trèssatisfait de lindustrie dun Pere si experimenté
dans lArt de la Generation quand il nauroit pû prolonger la vie a son fils
que pour quelques mois ou pour peu dannées
Mais quand on se represente que lEnfant a vecu pres de quatrevingts ans amp
que il a composé quatrevingts Ouvrages differents tous fruits dune longue
lecture il faut convenir que tout ce qui est incroyable nest pas toujours
faux amp que la Vraisemblance nest pas toujours du coté de la Veritè
Il navoit que dixneuf ans lorsquil composa Gonopsychanthropologia de Origine
Animae humanae
Les Enfans celebres revûs amp corriges par M De la Monnoye de lAcademie
Françoise
14 Vide Menagiana vol 1
15 Vid Swinburn on Testaments Part 7 § 8
16 Vid Brook Abridg Tit Administr N47
17 Mater non numeratur inter consanguineos Bald in ult C de Verb signific
18 Vide Brook Abridg tit Administr N 47
19 This book my father would never consent to publish tis in manuscript with
some other tracts of his in the family all or most of which will be printed
in due time
20 Mr Shandy is supposed to mean Esq member for
and not the Chinese Legislator
21 Xalephs nosoy kai dysiatoy apallagh hn antraka kaloysin PHILO
22 Ta temnomena ton etnon polygonotata kai polyantropotata einai
23 Katariothtos eineken BOCHART
24 O Ilos ta aidoia peritemnetai tayto poihsai kai toys amA ayto symmaxoys
katanagkasas SANCHUNIATHO
25 Nous aurions quelque interêt says Baillet de montrer quil n a rien de
ridicule sil étoit véritable au moins dans le sens énigmatique que Nicius
Erythræus a tâché de lui donner Cet auteur dit que pour comprendre comme Lipse
a pû composer un ouvrage le premier jour de sa vie il faut simaginer que ce
premier jour nest pas celui de sa naissance charnelle mais celui au quel il a
commencé duser de la raison il veut que çait été a lage de neuf ans et il
nous veut persuader que ce fut en cet âge que Lipse fit un poem Le tour est
ingenieux etc etc
26 Vid Pellegrina
27 Vid Book of French postroads page 36 edition of 1762
28 Chief Magistrate in Toulouse etc etc etc
29 Non Orbis gentem non urbem gens habet ullam
ulla parem
30 The same Don Pringello the celebrated Spanish architect of whom my cousin
Antony has made such honourable mention in a scholium to the Tale inscribed to
his name Vide p 129 small edit
31 Vid Vol VI p 152
32 Vid Popes Portrait
33 Rodope Thracia tam inevitabili fascino instructa tam exacte oculis intuens
attraxit ut si in illam quis incidisset fieri non posset quin caperetur I
know not who
34 This will be printed with my fathers life of Socrates etc etc
35 Mr Shandy must mean the poor in spirit inasmuch as they divided the money
amongst themselves
36 He lost his hand at the battle of Lepanto
37 This must be a mistake in Mr Shandy for Graaf wrote upon the pancreatick
juice and the parts of generation